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Chapter Text

Ki Tae adjusted his bag over his shoulder and eyed Sunny coolly.

She had clearly just woken up. Her dark hair was askew—though perhaps that did not differ much from the usual—and pillow marks lined her right cheek. He thought he even saw the markings of drool on the corner of her lip.

“You told me to be here at 7:00AM.”

Sunny just sighed.

“Late night. Gaming,” She said by way of explanation. "Also, didn't actually think you would get here on time."

“Why wouldn’t I be here at the time you said to be here?”

“Eddy—” she huffed, using his gaming nickname.

“There really is nothing left up to interpretation about a text saying to get here at seven in the morning,” he interrupted, crossing his arms. “Do you want me to show you what you sent?”

“Just shut up and come in,” she said resignedly and stepped aside to let him in.

He followed her into the small apartment. He did not come here often, only when Sunny graciously offered her home as a place to continue the fun after bar outings with their colleagues. Though he had often been in a mellow, alcohol-fueled haze by the time he arrived during his previous visits, Ki Tae still remembered the apartment layout.

Sunny and Ki Tae worked together at a small video game company. Given their small size, the company employees spent extraordinary amounts of time together. It was a multidisciplinary effort on everyone's parts: coders helped with character design, particularly organized members of the team stepped up to be project managers, and each member took their turn in beefing up their boss’s business acumen where it was sometimes lacking. Their boss was a good boss, passionate and friendly, but at times a bit silly.

Ki Tae and Sunny were both game programmers, so they often had to collaborate closely to get their work done. This had led to a good friendship between them, which eventually expanded outside of the workplace. Sunny was a blunt, not-exactly-nice-but-genuinely-kind person.

He made his way to the couch and gingerly sat on it.

“Tea? Coffee?” Sunny asked, turning towards the kitchen.

“No, thanks.”

He looked at his watch.

It was a Saturday morning and he had been up since the ass-crack-of-dawn for apparently no reason. He glared over at her again, and pulled out his phone to load a game.

“So when is the other guy supposed to come?” he asked, starting to press the screen navigation to move his character forward. He was currently stuck on one level and had been killed one too many times for his liking.

“He will meet us there,” she said, shrugging. She put her cup of tea down on the tiny coffee table and sat next to Ki Tae, peering at his screen.

“You’re still on that level?”

“Shut up.”

“I mean it was a bit difficult but not that difficult—”

“Shh.”

“I can help you if you—”

‘Game over’ called the tinny narrator's voice from the phone. He took a calming breath and looked over at Sunny who looked back unimpressed.

“I’ll change quickly then,” she muttered.

Today they were going to go on a hike. It had been some time since Ki Tae had gone hiking—he got most of his workouts done in the gym—but having just come off the adrenaline of launching a game, he figured he should see sunlight and enjoy nature that was not currently potted in his home or the office. Sunny had agreed that perhaps some sun would do them both some good. Judging by the paleness of her skin, he thought she was probably due for some vitamin D.

True to her word—‘but not her texts,’ Ki Tae thought grumply—Sunny changed with urgency and got them going in about fifteen minutes. They were driving up to a mountain not too far of a drive from Seoul’s city center to do a trail there. At first, it was just going to be the two of them, but Sunny had asked just last night if she could invite a friend. Ki Tae had sleepily agreed, not caring. The text had come in super late anyway.

“So…you have friends outside of work,” he stated dubiously.

“Yes,” Sunny hissed, scowling as she tried hard not to take her eyes off the road and smack him. “I met him at an art show.”

“Since when do you go to art shows?”

“I don’t just help with character design for the heck of it. I actually do like art.”

Ki Tae put his hands up in mock surrender. “OK, just asking! So…they’re an artist?”

“Yeah, they do mostly graphic design. He did some artwork for a few manhwas. That’s what the show was about.”

Ki Tae nodded, not having much to add. He wasn’t particularly big on art, and the only person he had known in his life that had allowed him to peek into the art world wasn’t around anymore. He shifted uncomfortably in the passenger seat. He didn’t like to think about that person very much.

Sunny smoothly pulled into a parking spot. She turned off the car, and reached back to get some of the things she had dropped onto the backseat. Ki Tae opened his door, stepping out into the cool autumn air, feet crunching the gravel beneath them. Not many cars were parked, and he hoped that the trail would be relatively empty. It would be nice to just enjoy nature without having to deal with the general public.

The sound of the car locking, brought Ki Tae’s attention back to Sunny. She jerked her head towards the parking lot exit which led to the road where they would find the trailhead. As they walked she busily put up her dark hair into a very messy bun.

“He said he would meet us at the trailhead.”

Ki Tae followed her as he looked up at the mountain they were about to climb. Colorful trees dotted rock: greens, fiery reds, and oranges. The sun was already above the horizon, having peeked over the hour before, casting its warm light across the scenery. A light fog hovered on the peaks, shrouding the mountain in strokes of mist.

“Lee Wan,” he heard from Sunny distantly. She raised her hand to capture the attention of a man who was waiting by the signage announcing the trailhead.

Ki Tae's head swam.

Lee Wan.

He faltered in his step and looked up at the man Sunny was waving towards.

Lee Wan.

The first thing he saw were deep brown eyes that shone honey when caught in the rays of the sun. Then came the full lips and handsome face.

Lee Wan.

The name reverberated in his head as if it was in an echo chamber.

It was him after all this time.

“Hey,” Lee Wan said, smiling as he walked up to Sunny. “How are you today?”

“Peachy. Lee Wan, this is Ki Tae,” she said, quickly introducing him.

He had come back into his life just as swiftly and suddenly as he had left.

Ki Tae would have appreciated a bit of warning. As such his breath seemed to have completely vacated his chest, and a dull ache seemed to have taken its place instead. It was difficult to know how to react to someone who you had lost contact with but was such an integral part of one of the most defining moments of your life.

His senses were in spasm. A roaring filled his ears, his mouth dried out, and his vision was blurry. He felt his hands start to tremble as he took in the man before him. A breeze wafted and he smelled just the same, just the same as before—

Ki Tae snapped out of it.

“Hello,” he said, reaching out for a handshake.

He wasn’t going to let on that he recognized Lee Wan. It would be best to see how Lee Wan reacted. Did he recognize him in return? Did he even want to be recognized? Or was Ki Tae just something of the past for him, something that has not warranted a second thought in years.

Lee Wan’s eyes grew wide when they landed on him, the recognition flashing clear in his eyes.

“H-Hello,” Lee Wan stuttered, shyly shaking his hand. His hand was clammy, and his expression had shifted rapidly from pleasant interest to, shock, and settled on apparent nervousness. He remained silent after that, giving no acknowledgement of their past.

His timidness empowered Ki Tae. The memory of Lee Wan had held so much power over him for several years; he was proud to be able to stare at him in the eye unflinchingly.

“Shall we get started?” Ki Tae said, dropping Lee Wan’s hand and nodding towards the trailhead. They began to walk. Leaves and twigs crunched underneath their feet and the birds called to each other in the trees. The air maintained crisp, cooling them as they began their ascent. Autumn hiking was always a treat to the senses.

Ki Tae led, clearly the fittest of the pack. Sometimes he would scout ahead and enjoy some of the view while he waited for the other two to catch up.

“How was your last interview?” Sunny asked Lee Wan at one point as they rested on a boulder that jutted out enough to catch a glimpse of Seoul.

Lee Wan sighed, “It was OK, but I think they will probably go with someone else.”

“What do you do?” Ki Tae asked reluctantly.

Ki Tae had gone on to pursue his passion of video games by becoming a coder, but he had been deprived of the chance to see what Lee Wan had made of himself. When younger, Lee Wan had been bookish, smart, with a love and passion for art, particularly photography. He had definitely been more introverted than Ki Tae had ever been, which honestly had intrigued him more so. Ki Tae had enjoyed spending time with him despite the quiet, each doing their own thing, but still appreciating each other’s company. It had been calming to him then, allowing the energy that often flowed through him to settle into a soft hum. 

“I-I do graphic design…illustration for manhwa writers mostly. I also have my own illustration blog. If work is low, then I have restaurant experience. It is not much…”

“Don’t say that,” Sunny chided. “He’s really good. I read the manhwa he illustrated and honestly the art was really special. Plus his blog is getting a good following too!”

“Thank you,” Lee Wan said, a blush high in his cheeks. Ki Tae hated how he reacted favorably to the red tint.

“I see,” Ki Tae murmured. No photography had been mentioned.

“As I said,” Lee Wan said, misinterpreting his response for dismissiveness, “Not much.”

Ki Tae shrugged. “Art is important. I work in video game programming, but there is no game without art.”

“I assume AI will probably replace us all in a couple of years,” Lee Wan said cheekily.

“AI is soulless. No machine can replace human creativity.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Lee Wan agreed, raising his water bottle in Ki Tae’s direction, before taking a couple of gulps.

He had been struggling to get up the mountain. Ki Tae could hear his heavy intakes of breath from his position at the front as they hiked. It seemed that Lee Wan did not hike often–he pondered on why he would come today, especially to this hike which was deemed to be not exactly for beginners.

“So, what will you do?” Sunny asked Lee Wan, bringing the conversation back around.

“Well I still have some savings, so that should be OK in terms of covering the living arrangements for a bit. In terms of a job, I will keep on trying. I hope something will come up soon.”

“Are you trying to stay in Seoul?”

“Yes,” he said, eyes briefly flicking to Ki Tae. “I’d like to stay if possible.”

They climbed on, up towards the top where the morning mist hovered below them. Ki Tae tried to slow down, but Lee Wan was particularly slow. He had also run out of water, causing Ki Tae to share his extra bottle.

“Have you never hiked before?” He asked Lee Wan discourteously.

He knew had been rude when Sunny stopped and stared at him.

Lee Wan bit his lip. “I’m sorry, I hadn’t realized it would be this difficult—”

It was hard not to grow more frustrated with Lee Wan the further the day went on.

With each step, he thought more and more about the last day they had seen eachother.

Lee Wan had kissed him for God's sake.

Kissed him, professed to liking him, and then promptly left him alone on the rooftop of their school. When he had recovered enough from the confession to respond, Lee Wan had already left the rooftop. Ki Tae had searched for him everywhere but didn’t find him. He had ran around for so long and could not find him. He could not find him and when he had realized that he would not find him, he broke.

His devastation had lasted months. Friends had pitied him, his family had worried for him, and he had slipped into a depression that had been so difficult to grow to manage. Perhaps it was unfair to blame Lee Wan for all of the ache, but since when had Ki Tae ever been rational when it came to the man?

“—I am not a particularly active person, so I probably should’ve figured. You can go ahead at your pace, and I will eventually catch up. Don’t feel the need to wait.”

“We are in no rush,” Sunny assured, shooting another stern look at Ki Tae, effectively chastising him. Ki Tae swallowed what he wanted to say and just pushed on.

When they reached the summit, Ki Tae took a couple of pictures, enjoying the look that the morning light cast upon the landscape. He noted that Lee Wan didn’t take any pictures of his own, but had brought out a notebook to draw some sketches.

Sunny pulled him aside.

“What’s up with you?” she asked bluntly.

“Nothing,” Ki Tae replied, stuffing his phone in his pocket. He moved to sit on the mountain edge, so that his feet could dangle off the rock and over the scenery below.

Sunny practically rolled her eyes, but decided not to push which he was relieved by.

The walk down had been relatively painless. Lee Wan seemed to be able to handle the descent much better than the ascent. While he and Sunny talked, Ki Tae kept quiet, just listening to all the life Lee Wan had lived without him.

The departure was a blur, Ki Tae barely remembered acknowledging Lee Wan’s goodbye. He sat quietly as Sunny did him the favor of driving him home. He had also bid her good day distractingly, itching to just be alone in his home so that he could breathe easier.

Much later he found himself on the couch, thinking. Part of him hoped that it would be the last time he saw Lee Wan. The other part, the treacherous one that had existed and longed for much longer, ached to see him again.

Chapter Text

Ki Tae groaned at the phone screen and dropped his phone on his desk in frustration. He sagged into his computer chair, head thunking back on the backrest in defeat. He wasn’t sure what he was doing wrong, but the victory on this particular level of the game had continued to evade him.

He sighed, bringing his eyes to stare at the ceiling above him, knowing he would regret what he was about to do. Glancing around the office, he noticed that Sunny was not present. Miffed that this would have to be in writing, he plucked his phone from the table again, opening his texts.

Me [12:34PM]: How do you get past the dragon?

Sunny [12:35PM]: …Is that the fresh scent of defeat I smell?

Me [12:37PM]: …

Sunny [12:42PM]: Don’t you have work on OUR code to do?

Me [12:42PM]: It’s lunch time. 

Me [12:44PM]: Help me with the game.

Sunny [12:45PM]: After work. Happy hour at Ginseng?

Me [12:45PM]: I’ll buy you a drink.

Sunny [12:46PM]: You’ll buy me whatever I want.

Me [12:46PM]: Only if you help...deal.

He put his phone down and turned to his computer again. Reaching for his noise-canceling headphones, he placed them on, and unlocked his computer to continue his work. His lunch hour wasn’t quite over, but there was no point in delaying the inevitable. Sunny would kill him if he did not meet the deadline.

—

The beginning of the evening found Ki Tae opening the doors to Ginseng and walking into the dimly lit bar. The low sound and occasional din of the Monday evening regulars washed over him. There weren’t very many people, Mondays were often slow days given that people were still recovering from the weekend. He was able to find a spot easily at the bar itself, ensuring to claim the seat next to him for when Sunny arrived.

“Ki Tae!” greeted the bartender Soo-min when she spotted him a few minutes later. He smiled as she made her way over. She wore a black, low-cut crop top, and dark pants. Her hair was pulled back and tied up in a long ponytail that swished behind her, a style that allowed her beautiful face to shine. A deep red stained her lips, which parted in a grin.

“This isn’t your usual day,” she declared, squinting at him in question. “What brings you here?”

“Meeting Sunny,” he responded. The bartender knew the pair of them well. They often came here, sometimes with the whole team, in order to enjoy drinks. “I don’t suppose you know how to beat this?” he said, nodding towards the phone.

She peered at the phone and scoffed. “Wait until the dragon’s wings are down, shoot an arrow above them to hit the chandelier’s rope, the chandelier will drop on it like…well a chandelier. Collect the prize.”

He stared at her.

She laughed, “How long have you been working on that?”

“Too long,” he said embarrassedly. “Wait, you're a gamer?” he asked, with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, when I have the time here and there.”

She cocked her head to the side, looking at him with slightly pursed lips and a smirk. “I don’t look like I would play video games?”

“Now that sounds like a trap,” Ki Tae said wearily and she burst out in laughter.

“Give it a shot,” she said pointing at the phone. Soo-min turned to take care of two more customers, each man doing his best to flirt with her while ordering God-awful IPAs. She was masterful at side stepping their advances, having endured the unwanted male-gaze too often in her line of work.

Ki Tae went about trying the method she had suggested. A few minutes later he found himself collecting the mission objective and moving on to the next level.

“I think you may have just saved my wallet,” he said to her as she came near again.

“Did you bet on this or something?” Soo-min asked, reaching for the beer tap handle to start pouring him his usual.

“Not exactly,” he murmured, pausing to grin when he spotted Sunny entering the bar. “Well, actually…,” he said in an amused tone. “Here comes the bill you helped me avoid right now.”

She followed his line of sight and giggled when she saw Sunny walking towards them. She placed the pint on the bar top in front of him. “Who's the friend?”

He frowned and looked over again. Following behind her was indeed a friend: Lee Wan.

“Hey,” Sunny said easily when she reached the bar. She gratefully accepted the beer that Soo-min had just finished pouring for her. Lee Wan shifted nervously, taking the seat next to her, furthest from Ki Tae. 

“Lee Wan,” Ki Tae drawled. “What brings you here?”

“I bumped into Sunny a bit earlier today and she asked if I wanted to join,” He said softly. “Hello again.”

“Hi,” Ki Tae said shortly. He turned to Sunny and pointed at her beer. “You’re paying for that on your own.”

“You promised—”

“–that I would pay if you helped me pass the level, yes,” he said smugly. “Our dear Soo-min here helped me do it instead.”

Sunny rounded on the bartender, “How could you?”

Lee Wan hid a laugh behind his hand.

“My deepest apologies, Sunny! I fell for his charms,” Soo-min said, winking at Ki Tae. “He just looked ever so pitiful.”

Ki Tae could see Lee Wan’s expression faltered at that, but the man made no comment.

They each reached for the bar menu and chatted as they decided what to eat and placed an order with Soo-min. Ki Tae and Sunny began discussing the new project they were working on before realizing that it left Lee Wan largely out of the conversation. In turn, they tried to explain the game concept to him: a dating RPG. It was something new for them, delving into the crux of romantic emotion in a video game, that which sparked between people, while making it fun.

“There’s obviously different kinds of love. We’ll focus on the unrequited one in this game,” Sunny said.

“Seems juicy,” Soo-min said, dropping off their appetizers.

“Surely you can’t relate,” Ki Tae said to her with a smile. “Who would pass you up?”

“You’d be surprised at the idiocy of your gender,” Soo-min sniffed.

“In that, dear Soo-min, you are correct,” Ki Tae chuckled, raising his glass to her in surrender.

Sunny and Lee Wan raised their pints too.

Ki Tae did his best to behave while conversing, but found himself sniping at Lee Wan every once in a while. It was hard to control his emotions: he found himself annoyed when Lee Wan shared small things about his life during their time apart, wondering if Lee Wan would have told him then if they had still talked, would have experienced it with him.

At one point, Sunny declared she needed a bathroom break. She hopped off the stool and made her way across the bar to join the queue for the restroom.

A silence came over the pair. Ki Tae drank his second beer, gazing down the bar where men continued to fail miserably at capturing Soo-min’s attention. 

Lee Wan cleared his throat.

“Do you…dislike me?” he asked delicately.

Ki Tae snorted. 

Did he dislike him? That was the whole problem, wasn’t it? For years Lee Wan’s sudden disappearance had haunted him, tortured him even. Then he suddenly reappeared as if nothing had occurred. Both had yet to acknowledge that they knew each other and Ki Tae was done playing the game.

“No,” he retorted, setting down his pint. “In fact I’ve had the opposite problem in my lifetime.” 

He whipped towards Lee abruptly, cornering the other man in his gaze. 

“Where’s your camera, Lee Wan? You took so many pictures before, I figured you would get into photography before graphic design.”

Lee Wan’s eyes widened.

“Y-you remember—?”

“Of course I remember you. Do you think I could possibly forget?”

Lee Wan bit his lip, a flash of hurt appearing in his eyes, but he said nothing.

Ki Tae inched closer. “Have you been well? Without me? You didn’t even say goodbye, didn’t even give me a chance to say anything—”

Lee Wan looked down, ashamed. 

“—so excuse me if I’m not giving you the warmest of welcomes.”

“Look, we can just forget what happened—,” Lee Wan tried to say.

“I. Can’t,” Ki Tae snapped. “Ever since that day I’ve been repeating it over and over and over in my head—”

“—I’m sorry—”

“I liked you,” Ki Tae finally choked out with a watery, incredulous laugh. The muscles in his throat felt tight and the wetness around his eyes was threatening to spill over, but he would not allow it. He couldn’t allow it. “I actually liked you.”

Lee Wan’s eyes snapped up to meet his. His mouth hung open in surprise.

“Ki Tae…”

“Will it be a second round, boys?” Soo-min asked, appearing at their side again to check in.

Ki Tae breathed in sharply.  

“No, I have to go.”

He fished some money out of his wallet. “That should cover our tab. Take the rest as a tip.”

Soo-min scanned his face in growing concern, but he didn’t give her the chance to speak. He slung his work bag over his shoulder and brushed past Lee Wan, heading outside. His heart was thundering, breath coming short and shallow. He started to walk home, head down. He could feel the onslaught coming: the tidal wave of unchecked feeling gathering at his chest, crawling up his throat. 

He hadn’t had one of these attacks in a long time. Perhaps, that is why it felt so raw, or perhaps it had always felt this way and he had simply forgotten. His skin was crawling, and he continuously tried to unclench the fists his hands had balled up into.

At home, he showered, rinsing the tremors off. When he stepped out of the shower, he looked in the mirror, taking in his appearance. He was the same Ki-Tae as before. Black hair that fell over his forehead; high cheek-boned, and sharpened jawed; soft, blush-pink lips that often seemed to naturally curl into a smirk, even when neutral; dark eyes that were sharp, but currently displayed a vulnerability he found himself unable to look at for long.

He turned away and dressed in his comfiest outfit, lay on his couch, bundled in his throw blanket. 

He shouldn’t have left. It was the one thing he hated about Lee Wan and he had done it in return. 

He glanced at his phone, and saw a text from Sunny he had received a while ago.

Sunny [6:59PM]: Lee Wan said you had to go..?

He ignored it, burrowing deeper into his blanket. 

Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe.

—

Waking up felt like wading through sludge. 

He groaned as he sat up on the couch. His head was pounding and his body heavy. He hadn’t had an anxiety attack as bad as the one from last night in a while. He had honestly thought he had gotten over them, but that had clearly been wishful thinking.

He peered at the clock on the wall across the room, dimly lit in the morning light. Luckily, he had woken early enough, even without having set an alarm, to be able to get ready in relative peace. He stood up with a grunt and began his morning routine: brushed his teeth and changed into some shorts, t-shirt, and the fluffiest hoodie he could find in his closet. He wanted nothing but comfort today.

A light breakfast would have to do. His stomach was still upset this morning, and he honestly wasn’t very hungry. He sat at his breakfast table and ate a banana slowly, eyes glazed over, deep in thought.

What should he do now? 

Everything was out in the open between them. Lee Wan knew that he remembered him. Lee Wan knew that he had reciprocated his feelings seven years ago.

Would Sunny continue to invite him to events? Would he have to continue to interact with him for as long as he was in Seoul? Ki Tae’s heart seized. It was odd, the sensation of wanting to stay as far away from the man as he possibly could, and yet wanting to draw him in and get to know that which he had become. This push and pull in feeling was frustrating.

He threw away the banana peel, collected his things, and headed to work. On the subway he played his instrumentals and soothing sounds playlist, hoping it would help in reducing the level of anxiety he was feeling. When he got to the office, he placed his things down, and turned on his computer.

Today he would lose himself in coding.

The numbers, parentheses, and functions became anchors. Each tethered his nerves to the present, to the project at hand. His colleagues came in individually, but he did nothing more than acknowledge their greeting and give a quick one of his own. Sunny had hovered, as if she had wanted to say something but just sighed and went to her desk.

At some point, Jamie, his other colleague, finally waved a hand in front of his face to get his attention.

“It’s lunchtime, Eddy! Boss is paying,” she said with a grin. Ki Tae looked over at their boss, who was waving his company card in a manner that was probably supposed to be convincing. “You coming?”

Ki Tae shook his head. “You guys go on without me.”

Jamie pouted, “You want us to bring you anything?”

He declined, and they set off, including Sunny, a fact that Ki Tae was utterly grateful for. He didn’t much feel like being cornered.

His relief lasted all the way until the end of the work day. He was putting the finishing touches on a particular section of the code, when he felt the distinct feeling of being watched. He stopped, slowly raising his eyes up to meet Sunny’s across the room. Glancing around the office, Ki Tae noticed they were alone.

“Yes?” He said questioningly. She scowled.

“Cut the crap, Ki Tae,” she said sharply. “What’s wrong? Honestly, you’ve been acting all kinds of weird since I introduced you to Lee Wan. I only introduced you because you're usually pretty nice to people, but lately you’ve been an asshole.”

Well Sunny wasn't really one to mince her words.

Ki Tae sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t need an apology. I need the truth,” she stated. “Or at least as much of it as you can give me,” she amended when she saw him tense up.

Ki Tae pondered how exactly to tell her.

“I know Lee Wan from before. We…went to high school together.”

Sunny seemed a bit surprised at that, curious. “Were you…not friends?”

“We were best friends,” he corrected. “But…he hurt me.”

Sunny frowned, drawing herself up and striding towards him. “How?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Is he a bad person?” Sunny asked hesitatingly.

“No!” Ki Tae rushed to say. “Not at all! He was always quiet…and sweet. Please don’t take it the wrong way.”

“Then how did he hurt you?”

“I-I don’t want to say,” he mumbled. “It was a misunderstanding honestly. But it hurt. Hurts,” he amended.

“Should I stop talking to him?” Sunny asked, but before she finished her sentence, he was already shaking his head. 

“No, Sunny. He never had many friends before. I don’t want him to lose one now. Not because of me. I…we…what happened between us isn’t…has nothing to do with anything. If he's anything like he was back then, then he’s a good person,” Ki Tae insisted.

Sunny nodded slowly, trying to parse through the pieces of information she had been given. 

“I’m sorry I invited him to our outings.”

Ki Tae shrugged. “You didn’t know.”

“It won’t happen again.”

Ki Tae wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but didn’t argue.

“I'll drive you home,” Sunny declared. It was a clear peace offering.

Ki Tae took her up on it.

Chapter Text

For the most part, Ki Tae was fine.

The episode at the bar had been over a month ago and Sunny had kept her promise. He had seen neither hide nor hair of Lee Wan, had heard not a whisper.

His recovery from a major anxiety episode was always slow. It was only now that his body was beginning to settle into a semblance of stability again. The fried nerves soothed and his mind slowed its pace, resting in between thoughts.

For days after, he had jumped at the slightest unexpected sound and found his productivity suffering with his inability to concentrate. It was noticeable enough that even his oblivious boss had taken him aside to ask him if he was OK.

That had been embarrassing.

But he was getting better now.

Better meant he could think about his situation much more rationally. Better meant he had to ask himself if he had overreacted. And had he overreacted? Should he have given Lee Wan a chance to…he didn’t even know what. 

After all, what did Lee Wan want in all of this?

In all his turmoil, he truly hadn’t considered how Lee Wan himself was actually taking their reunion. He had seen glimpses of the man’s nerves, mostly as he tip-toed around and endured Ki Tae’s pointed jabs. Lee Wan had said he wanted to move forward from the past, but that was definitely in response to Ki Tae’s anger and frustration. If given the chance to speak freely, without judgment, what would Lee Wan say?

“Hey,” Jamie said as she packed up her things for the day on a Thursday afternoon. “Are you coming to game night at Sunny’s tomorrow? You weren’t there last week! What gives?”

Ki Tae frowned. He hadn’t been aware that Sunny had hosted anything last week. He looked over at Sunny who met his gaze. Her expression told him she would speak with him privately.

“Not sure yet,” he said slowly. “Might have a conflict, but I’ll try my best.”

“Oohh, Mr. Popular,” Jamie said teasingly. “Or…is it a girlfriend?”

“Haha,” Ki Tae said with a roll of his eyes. “Go fish for gossip elsewhere.”

Jamie bid him goodbye with a shrug and grin.

Once she had left, Ki Tae turned to Sunny with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh, don’t give me that look,” Sunny said, rolling her eyes at him this time. “I hosted board games night the other day and invited Lee Wan. He said he would come, which is why I didn’t invite you.”

Ki Tae understood the reasoning, but it still sat uncomfortably with him. He didn’t like Sunny having to juggle which engagements she invited him or Lee Wan to. He didn’t like that he had become this…complication. It wasn’t in his nature to be this complicated. He liked to consider himself pretty easy-going for the most part. 

“Thank you,” Ki Tae said earnestly. “But, you don’t have to do that. I don’t want to be difficult—”

“It’s not a problem,” Sunny quickly reassured him.

“But it is,” Ki Tae said with a sad smile. “And I don’t like that.”

Sunny remained silent, giving him the chance to gather his thoughts before continuing.

“I want to try,” Ki Tae said hesitatingly, as if still making up his mind as the words spilled out . “You don’t have to avoid putting us in the same room. I want to try and be at least cordial.”

“Are you sure?” Sunny asked quietly. “I really don’t mind—”

“I’m sure,” Ki Tae declared more firmly.

It was unfair to ask Sunny to manage encounters between them. If Lee Wan was to be in his social circle, then he would need to get over himself and deal with it.

“So…do you want to come to board game night? It’s tomorrow after work. Lee Wan is coming.”

Ki Tae put on a brave face.

“Sure, I’m game.”

"I hate when you try to be funny."

—

He had tried to prepare himself mentally for Lee Wan’s arrival, but it still hit him like a punch to the gut when Sunny opened the door some time after game night had commenced and Lee Wan came through the entryway. 

Ki Tae had been conversing with his boss when the doorbell rang. He paused mid-sentence, startled at the sound and what it meant.

Lee Wan entered the room and greeted everyone. The get-together today consisted of the company team, and a couple of Sunny’s friends outside of work. It seemed Lee Wan already knew some of them as he greeted a couple of the people a bit more animatedly.

“Excuse me, Ki Tae,” his boss had said, heading in the direction of the bathroom. He stopped briefly to pat Lee Wan on the shoulder in greeting, exchanging a few pleasantries before continuing.

Lee Wan made his way around the room, pausing here in there to have a more extended conversation. His memory of Lee Wan was seven years removed, but Ki Tae could see some of the changes Lee Wan had undergone throughout the years. He was still shy, but there was an ember self-assuredness in him that Ki Tae was surprised, yet pleased to see. The Lee Wan of the past would have headed straight for the snacks area and remained there until he was approached, or dragged into the fray by Ki Tae. He had often shrunk himself, only engaging when others approached him. He had once explained that he preferred to give others the choice to engage with him, so as to not unwillingly burden them with presence.

However, here he was, making his rounds.

When he reached Ki Tae, he hesitated, unsure of how to proceed. Their last conversation had been a trainwreck and Ki Tae’s absence at other get-togethers had clearly not been lost on him.

“Hello,” Ki Tae said. He would extend the olive branch. 

“Hi,” Lee Wan responded tentatively. 

For a moment, Ki Tae mourned the state of their relationship; they had been so close before, and now they could barely greet each other.

Lee Wan shifted his stance to move away, but Ki Tae spoke again.

“Are you any better at video games nowadays?” he said with a small smile that made it clear he was lightly teasing.

Lee Wan was unable to hide his surprise.

“Well, I’m definitely not as good as you, I’m sure. But tonight isn’t about video games, it's board game night, and you never did test me on those.”

“Ho, ho! Are you a board game master?”

“I never met a monopoly board I could not monopolize.”

Ki Tae laughed out loud, the banter making him feel light. He missed this. He wanted this. Perhaps they were not beyond repair. 

He could feel Sunny eyeing them from across the room, ready to swoop in if anything went amiss. But he felt confident he would not need her, confident for the first time in a long time that maybe, with a little work and perseverance, they would be alright. 

“You want a drink,” he said, gesturing to the table filled with soju, liquors, and mixers behind him. 

Lee Wan nodded with a grin.

—

“He’s a literal artist! It’s not fair!” Jamie screamed, as Lee Wan’s team easily guessed another word from the drawing he had quickly sketched, continuing their dominance on the scoreboard. Pictionary was quite easy when there were artists in the room.

“You have an artist on your team too,” Sunny calmly reminded her. The woman in question scratched at her neck guiltily as Jamie swung to glare at her.

“Are you a plant? Is this sabotage?”

“It has been a while since I did object drawing,” she said defensively. 

Jamie sneered, cursing abstract artists to hell and back. 

“Since it is clear that you will not be making up the difference in score, let’s just declare your team the loser,” Sunny announced.

Jamie scoffed, their boss pouted, and Ki Tae cheered and leaned over to high-five Lee Wan.

“I guess drawing manhwa is good for something,” Lee Wan said amusedly. 

The party settled down and Ki Tae could feel himself growing tired. It was two in the morning and though he didn’t have anything pressing to do early the next day, he still felt it was about time he started heading home. He voiced this to Sunny, who nodded in understanding and stood up to bid him a good night.

“Are you feeling alright?” she asked him quietly as she led him to the door after he bid goodbye to the room. 

“Yes,” he assured her and he felt it to be true.

Lee Wan skipped to his side at that moment. 

“Do you mind if I join you?” he asked. “I think we are headed the same way.”

Ki Tae had the distinct feeling that that was not exactly true. After all, at the end of their hiking trip, Lee Wan had taken the train home whereas Sunny had driven Ki Tae home. Had it all been in the same direction, he was sure Sunny would’ve driven Lee Wan home too.

Sunny shot Lee Wan a suspicious look, but Ki Tae gave her a reassuring smile before answering.

“Sure. Are you ready to go?”

Lee Wan nodded, hugging Sunny goodbye. The door closed and they were alone together for the first time in a while. 

“Shall we?” Ki Tae said heading down the hall towards the steps. Lee Wan followed closely behind.

They walked outside together silently, the cool breeze causing them to zip up their jackets against the autumn chill. The night was still, streets in this residential area of the city empty except for them. Ki Tae was tired enough to not worry about making conversation. It had been Lee Wan that wanted to join him on his stroll home. Ki Tae would let him take the lead.

They walked for a while, the only sound coming from their feet hitting the pavement, and the occasionally car that passed. From the corner of his eye, Ki Tae could see that Lee Wan seemed to be struggling. He had opened his mouth and snapped it shut several times by this point. The nervous energy emanating from him was nearly palpable. 

Finally, about two minutes from Ki Tae’s home, Lee Wan stopped and faced him.

“I’m sorry, Ki Tae. I’m so sorry.”

The words washed over Ki Tae now. They were words he had long wanted to hear.

“I wish I could change…what I did. I was scared, and you weren’t responding, and I—”

“I was in shock,” Ki Tae cut in. “You can’t blame me—”

“I’m not,” Lee Wan said hurriedly. “I promise. I’m just saying that I didn’t know what to do and I panicked and fled, because that seemed so much better than facing the fact that I had possibly ruined our friendship. You were one of the best things in my life, Ki Tae. The best thing.”

“I know,” Ki Tae agreed softly. “I felt the same.”

“So, for that, I'm sorry,” Lee Wan continued. “I-I don’t expect you to forgive me. Honestly, you're already doing me enough of a favor just by listening.”

He lowered his eyes, but then with a small smile, said, “Thank you for talking to me tonight.”

Ki Tae gazed at him thoughtfully. He had spent so long mired in confusing, staunchly negative emotions when it came to Lee Wan. It was hard to disentangle everything, to cast those emotions aside. 

He continued walking, without saying word, eventually coming to a stop in front of his apartment building.

The lack of response made Lee Wan shift and clear his throat. “That’s all I wanted to say, I’ll go—”

“Come with me,” Ki Tae finally said, spinning towards the door, and opening it. “I need to show you something.” 

“OK,” Lee Wan agreed easily.

They rode the elevator, both silent, occupied in their own thoughts.

Ki Tae’s home was clean and minimalistic. He didn’t like a lot of clutter, and though he was not against color, he found his home’s color scheme trended towards grays with accents of bold color throughout. 

“You have a nice home,” Lee Wan commented, slowly taking it in as he removed his shoes.

“Thanks. You can sit over at the couch. I’ll get us some drinks.”

He went over the fridge, glad for the distraction. There was the thrum of anxiety building up underneath his skin. Brining Lee Wan here had been rather impulsive.

Feeling the need to sober up, he filled two cups with water, and returned to the living room, handing one to Lee Wan.

“You have a lot of plants.”

Ki Tae did have a number of plants of all sizes scattered around. Their different shades of green brought life to the otherwise austere home.

“Yeah, they calm me. Give me a sense of routine. They help.”

Lee Wan, brought a hand out to graze the leaf of the rubber tree next to the couch. Its leaves were thick, dark, and clearly well cared for. In fact, all the plants in the home were thriving. 

“Which is your favorite?”

“Out of my plants?” Ki Tae questioned, hoping he had misunderstood him. When Lee Wan nodded, his eyebrows shot up scandalized. “I can’t choose!”

“But if you had to.”

“But I don’t have to.”

“Hypothetically speaking.”

“Nothing hypothetical about choosing amongst your children.”

“What if there was a fire and—”

“I’m going down with my plants.”

“But if you had to choose—”

“All.”

“Alright, but which is the fairest and prettiest of them all?”

“My monstera,” he relented and immediately clapped his hands over his mouth as if afraid the other plants would overhear. It didn’t help that his monstera had been particularly fruitful this past summer, encompassing a large part of the area by the window; she was big, ever growing, and constantly preening towards the sun. 

“I knew you had a favorite!”

“Shh,” Ki Tae said, smacking Lee Wan’s arm and grinning at him. “How dare you make me choose!”

Lee Wan shook his head, gazing at him fondly. At least, that is what Ki Tae thought that look meant. It was a look he had seen often back then. 

Despite their joking, Lee Wan sat stiffly, wringing his hands. He was nervous.

“I missed you, Lee Wan,” Ki Tae finally stated after a few moments of silence between them.

“Me too,” Lee Wan said, nonplussed.

Ki Tae shook his head and stood up. He strode across the room to his bookshelf where he pulled a camera off one of the shelves. He brought it to the couch.

“I really don’t think you understand,” he remarked, holding up the camera so that Lee Wan could see it. “I missed you.”

Lee Wan’s flickered in surprise as he looked at the camera. He had left it so many years ago in the storage shed where they used to hang out behind the gym. With it he had chosen to leave behind everything that tied him to the school, but most of all, to Ki Tae.

“You found it? You kept it?”

“Yes,” Ki Tae said softly. “I kept it. I needed it. I-I needed to have something of you.”

Lee Wan reached out to take the camera. Ki Tae found it hard to let it go. Lee Wan's departure had broken him and he really needed Lee Wan to understand that. He needed to know that his departure had broken him, had undone him. He couldn't go through it again. 

He felt his fingers unravel from the hallowed device.

“I understand,” Lee Wan said solemnly.

“Do you?”

“I do,” Lee Wan affirmed, turning over the camera in his hands. He fiddled with it, taking in the details and seeing that it clearly had been loved all these years. The dials were clean, not an ounce of dust caught in its grooves. It even turned on, though he noted that there was no film. 

He gave it back to Ki Tae who took it, gently placing it on the table.

“I know this is a lot to ask,” Lee Wan said slowly. “But seeing you again makes me happy. I…want to know you again. If you're open to that."

It was truly tragic that the first thing that Ki Tae thought when hearing those words was ‘for how long this time?’

“Can we try?” Lee Wan asked delicately. He didn’t seem to want to pressure Ki Tae. He held himself rigidly, looking down at the ground as if to not to startle him away with too much eye contact.

Ki Tae breathed in deeply, feeling a knot in his throat. He closed his eyes, willing his thoughts to not get so far ahead of themselves. At some point in his life, he had longed for an opportunity like this. At other points, he had imagined himself rejecting Lee Wan, giving him a taste of the hurt he had endured back then.

“I’d like that,” he responded.

He would give himself this.

Lee Wan’s eyes finally met his again, his expression soft and uncertain. 

“Yeah?”

Ki Tae nodded.

They held each other’s gaze for a moment longer, but then both looked away shyly, a blush tinting their cheeks. How did one start again after so long?

“Hey,” Lee Wan finally said, nudging his shoulder with a half smile. “You have a video game we could play? To be honest, my gaming skills haven’t actually improved much, but I think I could probably last longer than two minutes.”

He was reaching for an easy topic to commiserate on. Ki Tae appreciated the change in subject. He had felt tired leaving the party, but now excitement was beginning to course through him. Circumstances had changed. They had changed. Things could be better this time around. He had to believe they would be.

“Get your water and come with me to the promised land,” he said, leading Li Wan to sit on the rug in front of his TV and gaming consoles.

“You design video games now, right?”

“Yeah, I work on the backend, coding and such. Our company is small, so sometimes I help with other aspects like concept brainstorming, character profiles, storyline building.”

“Sounds fun. I’m glad you ended up doing what you love,” Lee Wan said and Ki Tae beamed. 

“I honestly do love it. My company is pretty laid-back and the CEO gives us a lot of creative freedom, perhaps too much. But our last game sold well, so I guess something must be going right.”

“Who knew that all that time you spent playing video games instead of going to gym could actually be considered job training for your future employment.”

“Oh, shut up. All you did was read.”

“We all do need to know how to read.”

“Yeah, documents, grown-up stuff. Not manhwa.”

“I’ll have you know I collaborated with a manhwa writer once. I did the drawings for her story.”

“Did it become successful?”

“In certain circles…” Lee Wan said evasively.

Ki Tae was about to probe further, but Lee Wan pointed at the screen that had just loaded up.

“Are you going to teach me? Because if not I’m just going to start smashing buttons.”

“Fine, come here,” Ki Tae said, scooting over to the man. He spent some time explaining some of the functions and button combos that would work best. 

They played a couple of rounds of a racing game, Lee Wan getting trounced each and every time. Eventually, he made his way up to 6th place out of 12th place which was an accomplishment. The sun was just peaking over the horizon by the time Lee Wan had decided he should probably go.

He gathered his things, meeting Ki Tae at the door.

“Let's do this again,” Ki Tae declared.

Lee Wan visibly exhaled, his eyes bright as he grinned at Ki Tae in return.

“Yes, I’d like that!”

They exchanged numbers.

Lee Wan gave a quick wave goodbye before starting down the hallway towards the elevator. Closing the door, Ki Tae leaned on it, knocking his head back on the wood. This was good, he thought, smiling at the memory of the day. This was good.

Chapter Text

It started with a few texts here and there, testing the waters. Their conversations were simple, asking after each other’s days or sharing a meme they thought the other might like. Occasionally something ridiculous happened, and they would share a laugh.

Lee Wan [3:06PM]: Interviews are killing my soul.

Ki Tae [3:13PM]: Didn’t go well?

Lee Wan [3:14PM]: Don’t know why they post jobs if they already have someone in mind for it. They didn’t seem interested in what I had to say at all.

Lee Wan [3:15PM]: The other day someone made me come in again just to tell me they were going to go in a different direction.

Lee Wan [3:15PM]: I wore a suit and everything!

Ki Tae [3:16PM]: That does seem a bit assholeish…

Lee Wan [3:20PM]: Feels like I’m competing against the entirety of Seoul.

Ki Tae [3:21PM]: Hey, I already have a job! That’s one person less.

Ki Tae [3:22PM]: ...I’m sorry ☹️. Do you want to drown your sorrows in alcohol?

Lee Wan [3:25PM]: Meet you at Ginseng around 6:30pm?

Ki Tae hesitated to respond, his rational mind finally catching up to his enthusiasm. If he went to Ginseng, that would mean that he would be spending time with Lee Wan alone again.

He put his phone down, considering. It was obvious that having accepted Lee Wan's proposal of renewing their friendship meant that they would spend time together in person. He looked forward to it, but he was also still nervous about spending extended amounts of time with him alone.

"Hey," he said, catching Sunny and Jaime's attention. "Drinks after work?"

"Yeah!" Jaime said enthusiastically. Sunny muttered a quick "Sure." 

"What's going on?" the boss asked, entering the room and eyeing them curiously.

"We're going to drinks after work," Ki Tae said. "The team deserves a nice time together."

"You're right," the boss agreed thoughtfully. "We'll have a company outing!"

He brandished his company card, implying that it was on him.

Jaime grinned and gave Ki Tae a subtle thumbs up. Sunny shot him an impressed look. He had managed to get them free drinks for the night without much effort.

He turned back to his phone.

Ki Tae [3:34PM]: Actually, my team is going to grab drinks after work. Any chance you would want to join that instead?

Lee Wan [3:37PM]: Sure! Where?

Ki Tae breathed out in relief and sent him the address of their usual spot. It was fine to take small steps, he reminded himself. Being alone together at his home had been impulsive. He could allow himself to take a step back and navigate this new start slowly. 

In the evening, Ki Tae and the team stepped through the doors of the bar and noodle shop they often frequented in high spirits. They had been quite productive that day, the thought of free drinks fueling their last few hours of work. The shop owners greeted them familiarly and directed them to a corner table by the window.

The bar was fairly small, but homey. It had been run by the same family for generations, and each member had brought their own kind of flair to the business while maintaining the comfortable atmosphere that kept their regulars coming. It also helped that the noodles they served—a family recipe that they were tight-lipped about keeping, no matter how much charm Ki Tae put into getting them to divulge it—were divine.

The boss caught the eye of one of the waiters and lifted four fingers up, indicating that they would have one round of the beer of the day. The waiter nodded in understanding as he continued bustling about, clearing one of the tables. 

“I don’t think they're even capable of designing any other type of woman character,” Jamie complained once they had settled into their seats, continuing the conversation they were having on their walk over. “It's always big boobs and skimpy clothes! Some variety would be appreciated!”

They had been talking about the character designs released by one of the larger gaming companies.

“I’ve met them at a convention before. They’re graphics department is full of incels dreaming up their perfect woman. What else can we expect?” intoned Sunny with a roll of her eyes.

“At least they have a full-time graphics department,” the boss groused. “We really need to hire someone.”

“Well, hopefully this game generates enough income to hire someone,” Ki Tae said pointedly. He was quite familiar with the budget and knew their current limitations. Hiring a graphic designer full time was just not an option yet.

“Hello,” greeted a voice from behind him.

Ki Tae grinned, turning to face Lee Wan. 

“Hey, come sit down,” he said, gesturing to the seat on the bench next to him. He then addressed the rest of the table. "I hope you don't mind. I invited Lee Wan."

The rest of the team—well, the boss and Jaime—assured him it was not a problem and enthusiastically welcomed Lee Wan. The pair immediately engaged the newcomer in conversation, but outside of greeting him, Sunny refrained. Instead she was frowning worriedly at Ki Tae.

He appreciated her concern. It warmed him that she cared for him and recognized in him something vulnerable she was willing to protect.

“Sunny, do you want to help me get us some more drinks?” he asked some time later after most of them had finished up their first round of beers. The conversation had been lively, leading to a spirited debate about the importance of including social issues in video game plotlines. Somehow, it had spilled over, involving members of the table next to them, one of which Sunny appeared close to strangling. His views were certainly...controversial.

Sunny glared at the man for a moment longer before taking the bait and standing up to follow Ki Tae to the bar. She waited for him to finish putting in the order with the white-aproned bartender who reminded Ki Tae that they do in fact do table service. Ki Tae laughed saying he just needed to stand and stretch his legs; in return, the man told him that contrary to what the old wives’ tale claimed, he wasn’t going to grow any taller by doing so.

When the bartender had begun the task of fulfilling their order, Ki Tae turned his attention to Sunny who stared with an expectant look on her face.

“We talked,” Ki Tae said, without preamble. “And we decided to try and be friends again.”

She cocked her head in question. “How do you feel about it? I mean I know you were getting along better at my house, but honestly I thought that was the alcohol.”

“I feel…fine,” he responded, unable to quite accurately sum up the jumble of emotions he actually felt. Fine was a good word. A fine word, in fact.

Sunny gazed over at the table where Lee Wan continued to chat with Jamie and their boss. It appeared the tables had gone back to conversing with their respective parties, much to Sunny's content and the continued spotlessness of her criminal record.

“Friends. Is that all you want to be?”

Ki Tae shouldn’t have been surprised by her ability to deduce that something wasn’t quite platonic about his and Lee Wan’s past, but he still found his heart beating faster at the thought that someone knew. It wasn’t something he advertised much about himself, not from shame, but rather from the lack of need. Over the years he hadn’t really dated much, hadn’t cared to put effort into it when that effort could be better put towards studying, exercising, building his career. No one had interested him much anyway.

“It's what we have on the table for now,” Ki Tae affirmed, and immediately wanted to smack himself afterward. He hadn’t meant to imply the possibility of more. Didn’t want to invite thoughts that fancied their newly burgeoning relationship as anything further than friendship. It would do him no good.

But if he was honest with himself, he had to admit it was a battle he had lost long ago. Thoughts of what they could have been, how they could’ve been had Lee Wan not run away, had drifted across his mind since he had been kissed so many years ago. And now, now that Lee Wan was back, in this second chance they had, there was the opportunity to perhaps rekindle…something. 

Sunny eyed him knowingly but said nothing. She picked up some of the steins the bartender had brought them and began her journey back to the table.

Ki Tae knew her discretion was implicit, but his stomach still shifted uncomfortably at the fact that his feelings were apparently easy for her to decipher. 

He picked up the rest of the steins and followed closely behind.

—

Well into late autumn Lee Wan’s job troubles persisted. Though he was able to get temp jobs here and there, they often lasted only a few days or weeks and resulted in not enough money and perhaps too many stories.

“I didn’t know it was an escort service,” he whined one night over a plate of wings he, Sunny, and Ki Tae were sharing. They were sitting around the table at a local fried chicken spot, enjoying a cheap dinner. It had become a habit for them to meet up at some point during the week to share in each other’s woes and occasional fortunes.

Lately, however, Lee Wan’s woes seemed to outweigh any fortune he had. 

He slumped over, folded his arms on the table, and buried his head into them in embarrassment.

“What did you think it was?” Ki Tae asked between gulps of air as he desperately tried to refill his lungs with oxygen. His raucous laugh had received curious glances from some of the neighboring tables.

“Some lonely guy who just needed a friend,” Lee Wan admitted. He picked up his head and revealed a light blush that had settled over his cheeks. “He’s seventy for Christ’s sake. What does he want with someone in his late twenties?”

“I’d imagine quite a lot, though I am unsure if he's overestimating his stamina,” Sunny said deadpanned. 

“Nothing some special pills can’t fix,” Ki Tae quipped.

Lee Wan smacked Ki Tae's arm. “I hate you.”

He sighed, but seemed to brighten on his next thought.

“In any case,” he said, segueing away from his misfortune. “Something promising did come up. It’s a one-off for now, but maybe it can lead to something good?”

“What is it?” Ki Tae asked curiously.

“There’s a couple here in Seoul who reads my blog and looked through my portfolio. They really liked my art style, so they messaged me the other day with a proposal. They, uhh, want me to do a live drawing at their wedding next week. It's a bit last minute, but apparently it's a trend growing in popularity so they took their chance in asking me.”

“A live drawing?” Ki Tae asked, confused. “Like you are actively drawing at their wedding?”

“Yeah, they want me to capture a scene from their wedding event, probably the reception. Usually it's live painters, but they are a bit minimalist and prefer more of a charcoal drawing. Fits their decor better, they said.”

“That’s wonderful,” Sunny chimed in, giving Lee Wan a small, encouraging smile.

“Definitely,” Ki Tae agreed earnestly. “This could be really good! I didn’t even know it was a thing.”

“You don’t know the first thing about art,” Sunny scoffed.

“Of course I do! I had the best teacher,” Ki Tae said, trying to get back into Lee Wan’s good graces. “Unless you’re saying Lee Wan is trash?”

“Of course not,” Sunny snapped. “Lee Wan, you’re not trash,” she assured him.

“Thanks,” Lee Wan muttered, casting Ki Tae an exasperated look.

Ki Tae shrugged, smirking as he bit into a fry.

He was growing more comfortable, little by little, day by day. He was less frazzled, and the erratic energy that thrummed in his body since their reunion had settled into a pleasant hum. He was beginning to feel more like himself around Lee Wan, found himself able to joke around more, laugh more, and relax more. It felt, at times, like they were back at school, playing the roles they once embodied. 

His desire for things to feel 'normal' between them, caused him to ignore the persistent, small, niggling anxiety he still felt. It was something he was not sure would ever go away completely when it came to Lee Wan. The hurt he had endured, though perhaps less intense now, remained within, as if etched into his bones. 

However, he did his best to salve the wounds with new memories, push the bad thoughts and feelings to the back of his mind to a part unseen. A place where they could remained unprobed.

—

It struck Ki Tae on the Saturday afternoon of Lee Wan's live drawing affair, that despite Lee Wan having mentioned it here and there, he had yet to see his blog.

Lee Wan was texting him live updates from the reception. He was obviously nervous, so Ki Tae sent him some words of encouragement. He was happy that this opportunity had come up for him. It was the first time he had seen Lee Wan truly excited and invested in a job prospect.

Ki Tae swiped out of his conversation with Lee Wan, and tapped on Sunny's name. He fired off a text asking her if she knew the link to Lee Wan’s blog.

While he waited for her response, he went about watering his plants. They were on different schedules depending on their needs, so he had an app to keep up with them. He was proud of them, and proud of himself for managing to keep them alive. It took a couple of tries, and there had been a couple of losses in the process (may God rest their soil), but he found a comfort in trying again until he got it right, until the plants flourished. 

After putting away his watering can, he settled on his couch to read. He had no desire to go out this weekend. His body was seeking comfort, his mind attempted rest. The book he was reading was science fiction, his favorite genre. It did not come much as a surprise to him, however, that in the middle of what was surely an incredibly well-written fight scene between cyborgs and robots, he found himself distracted, barely able to hang on to the thread of the plot. 

He wondered if he had made the right decision. Should he have given Lee Wan a second chance to know him? More importantly, to hurt him again? 

But then he thought about Lee Wan’s smiles, his continued shyness when it came to accepting praise for his artistry, his little acts of defiance that Ki Tae found so cute, and how handsome he was. And even though recently their time spent together was always with others present, Ki Tae still recognized in himself the desire to be the center of Lee Wan’s attention. It was a feeling that had pervaded him from the moment they met in the school shed. It appears to have never left him.

He sighed, dropping the book on his stomach and rubbing his eyes.

It was difficult living this way. Constantly questioning whether he was doing the right thing.

The chime of his phone was a welcome respite. He saw Sunny had linked the blog, so he went to his desk to pull it up on the computer. 

He scanned over the first few posts. It seemed like Lee Wan posted short manhwa designs which followed a particular character and his misadventures when it came to dating. He also posted other works in different art mediums: paint, charcoal, oil pastel, clay, but never photography. Choosing to store that last observation for later, Ki Tae became engrossed and read through many of the manhwa story posts. He liked the story, found it to be endearing and at times humorous. The character, however, was frustrating. He was not direct about his feelings which led to a lot of miscommunication. 

He snapped a selfie, with his computer screen in the background open to one of the blog posts, and sent the image along with a text to Lee Wan.

Ki Tae [7:43PM]: Cool story, bro.

Ki Tae [7:44PM]: I always knew you were a wonderful artist. I’m glad others around the world can see it too.

He sent it, knowing Lee Wan was probably hands deep in charcoal and would be unable to respond until much later.

Chapter Text

Ki Tae awoke the next morning to the shrill ringing of his cell phone. He unburied himself from out of his covers, throwing them aside to drop his hands onto the nightstand and grope around. The ringing, he felt, was mockingly louder in each iteration. His hand finally landed on the smooth surface of the phone and he flipped it to face him. When he squinted at the caller ID, Ki Tae felt his heart flop.

He accepted the call and brought the phone to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Lee Wan answered."...are you busy?”

“No. I just woke up,” Ki Tae replied groggily. A big yawn snuck up on him, as if to further illustrate his point.

“Oh, I’m sorry!”

“Not at all, should probably stop being lazy.”

“It's the weekend, you are allowed to be lazy,” Lee Wan replied kindly.

They both grew quiet.

“So…how was the job yesterday?” Ki Tae asked, floundering for something to talk about. He wasn’t quite sure why Lee Wan had called him, but he didn’t want their conversation to wither before it had a chance.

“Amazing,” Lee Wan gushed. Ki Tae was glad to hear it. “They really loved the drawing, Ki Tae. The husband even cried!”

“The husband?”

“Yes!” Lee Wan affirmed.“The husband. It seemed like the wife was used to that kind of thing ‘cause she just hugged him. They looked so in love. I was happy to have been able to give them that moment.”

“And with your drawing they get to have it forever,” Ki Tae added.

“Yeah. They said…I asked if I could include an image of their drawing on my website. I think this is something I’d like to get into. I don’t know if anything will come of it, I mean I’m not exactly anybody, you know, and it is a niche industry, but—”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself with worry,” Ki Tae soothed.“This is something you are excited about. I can hear it. You can feel it, can’t you?”

He heard the other utter a noise of agreement on the line.

“Then just go for it.”

Lee Wan breathed out shakily.

“Ok,” he whispered.

A pause.

“Thank you, for your comment on my blog,” Lee Wan spluttered, his words rushing out as he got to the crux of his call. “Though I’m a bit embarrassed. You were right about the whole manhwa thing.”

“You don’t need to be embarrassed. The blog is wonderful,”

“So you said,” Lee Wan replied softly.

“No, I wrote 'you' were wonderful.”

“Not the same thing?”

“Definitely, not. I wrote what I meant.”

Lee Wan seemed to have no immediate response to that.

Ki Tae could imagine the cute blush dusting over the man’s cheek. Could imagine him refusing to meet his eye if he had instead uttered the words he had wrote to him last night in person. He knew that sometimes he could come off as flirty when he was being complimentary. It had garnered him unwanted attention in the past. However, he thought it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if Lee Wan thought of it that way. As a flirtation.

Not if he welcomed it.

Not if he wanted it.

“I have to go now. I'm working a shift at a restaurant,” Lee Wan explained regretfully. “I hope you have a good day. And again thank you…for your words.”

“Have a good day, Lee Wan,” Ki Tae replied.

They hung up.

Ki Tae buried himself into his sheets again, his mind and heart rushing between thought and emotion.

He was going to have to go one way or another with this.

He couldn’t continue to war with himself about what he wanted with Lee Wan and how slowly he should take their reacquaintance. Perhaps he needed to follow his own advice to not get ahead of himself with worry. It was never going to be only platonic between them, not from his end at least. He could feel himself wanting more, falling more, because he had never quit doing so. He had been frustrated, and angry, and so deeply hurt and confused that he had broken, but he had known that if Lee Wan ever appeared in his life again, if he ever wanted to come back, Ki Tae would always be helpless in denying him that. He didn’t want to continue to deny him that.

He could feel the steely determination gathering in himself. It was time to push past anxieties, to leap.

—

The chat box on his game session opened up with a ping, announcing a new message.

Message [Sunny]: Want to try to do the rescue mission today?

Ki Tae dragged his keyboard closer to clack away a response.

Message [Ki Tae]: sorry, just logging off ☹️. Meeting Lee Wan 😀

Message [Sunny]: …

Message [Ki Tae]: 😛TTYL!

He minimized the window, pushing away from his desk to cross the room and gather his things. He had finally taken Lee Wan up on a hangout, just the two of them, and was eager to see him again. He knew nothing of what they were actually going to do. All Lee Wan had told him was where to meet and to bring the film camera with him.

When he arrived at the spot, Lee Wan was already there and the little sense of relief that always washed over him when he spotted the man overcame him once more. 

“Hey,” He greeted cheerfully.

The sun was setting and the weather was crisp with a hint of winter around the corner. Lee Wan stood from the bench he was sitting on to greet him. He wore a nice cream turtleneck sweater and long tan brown coat over it. He looked well put together. Ki Tae looked down at himself, wondering if he should have made more of an effort. He was wearing a sweatshirt and some jeans, nothing special.

“Ki Tae,” Lee Wan acknowledged warmly.

“Alright,” Ki Tae said, holding up his fingers to start counting off. “I’ve shown up, I’ve brought the camera, I haven’t asked any questions about what we are doing today. The three things you have asked of me.”

“Yes,” Lee Wan said with a smile.

“Sooo…” he said, pushing up to his tiptoes eagerly.

Lee Wan rolled his eyes affectionately. “I thought maybe we could put the camera to some use? How about we walk and take pictures? I brought some rolls of film,” he said rummaging in his bag to take out a canister.

Ki Tae brought the camera out of his bag and handed it to him.

Lee Wan opened the back of the camera, popped the canister in place, and rolled the film across to where it could take up spool by the camera’s mechanism. His fingers were deft, familiar with the camera even now. He also brought out a lens to replace the one the camera currently had, explaining that since it was nearing night, this particular lens would do better with night photography. Ki Tae loved seeing Lee Wan take hold and tinker with the camera. He had watched him do so so often in their youth that that sight was familiar, almost intimate. Caught up in the thought, he didn’t notice a frown appear on Lee Wan’s face.

“Do you not want to? I just thought we could, but I completely understand if you think this is dumb and aren’t—”

Ki Tae rushed to cut off his nervous babble. “No, no I–I really am excited! Show me what to do!” he said brightly.

Lee Wan gave a hesitant smile as if not sure if he should believe him.

“Ok, so this is a Nikon FG-20. There’s a couple of things you can play around with when it comes to the settings…” They spent some time discussing the camera, the buttons, dials, and lens. Ki Tae had words swirling around his head like ‘aperture,’ ‘exposure,’ and ‘ISO.’

“Since we are shooting with film, things are going to come out looking a bit softer, not as sharp once developed. The night might add some graininess to the photo, but honestly that kind of quality makes film photography special.”

Ki Tae couldn’t help the smile on his face. It was good hearing Lee Wan talk about photography. He was animated, yet careful in his explanations. It was a shame he had stopped taking pictures for so long. But watching him handle the camera as if he had never put it down made Ki Tae feel so fond of him. He would do anything to keep that passion in his voice.

Lee Wan stepped towards him to place the camera strap over Ki Tae’s neck. Ki Tae’s skin reacted pleasantly to the warmth of his body nearing, the brush of Lee Wan's fingers against the skin of his neck as Lee Wan adjusted the strap.

“Are you ready?” Ki Tae grinned.

“As ever.”

—

At first they ended up in the Bukchon Hanok Village, on a hilly street lined with traditional Korean houses, a view of the pink skies of sunset and the skyline of modern Seoul. Lee Wan took the camera then and took pictures of the emptied street from different angles. Then he took pictures of Ki Tae looking down the road at the view. Ki Tae tried to take some photos of his own, though was nervous about wasting the film with bad photography.

“Don’t worry about it,” Lee Wan said. “Just have some fun.”

—

“I know you’ve said you haven’t really done much photography over the last few years,” Ki Tae later commented as they waited for a street light to change. “Why?”

Lee Wan frowned.

“It…it was a medium that reminded me too much of the past,” he said carefully.

Ki Tae simply nodded, and nudged Lee Wan forward across the crosswalk when the pedestrian signal told them it was safe to go.

—

“...I could totally beat you!”

“I play games for a living. No way you could beat me!”

“I beat you a couple of times on board game night.”

“Sheer luck. This is about strategy!”

“I can strategize!”

“Yeah, kissing a guy who didn’t even know you liked him as a love confession was a great strategy.”

Lee Wan paused.

“Touché.”

—

“You have rice on your face,” Ki Tae pointed out.

He gestured towards the corner of Lee Wan’s lip at the kernel that had held on after he had taken a bite off the triangle kimbap they had just purchased at the convenience store. Lee Wan tried to wipe his face and completely missed the kernel.

“Here,” Ki Tae said, reaching out to pick the kernel off the man’s face. He looked down at it smirking, before mischievously eyeing Lee Wan. “Were you saving this for me?”

—

“Just stand next to the statue.”

“No,” Lee Wan said defiantly. “You’re making fun of me. I just know it.”

“Not at all, I just want this picture,” Ki Tae whined, but was unable to prevent the grin from reaching his lips.

Lee Wan went over to stand next to the statue and Ki Tae immediately started laughing.

Frowning, Lee Wan looked over the statue, not understanding. It was that of an old man, hands laced behind his back, standing tall and gazing off. Some kind of commemoration to the elderly or perhaps grandfathers? He didn’t see anything overtly funny, but stood still and gazed at Ki Tae, waiting.

Ki Tae stopped giggling enough to take the picture.


—

After taking public transportation, and having fun taking photos of oncoming trains and cars along the way, they made their way to Hongdae, where the neon lights of Seoul tinted their faces in highlighter greens, red, and pinks. It was Saturday night and so the street was thrumming with life. They began a bit of a pub crawl, moving from place to place, trying fun drinks, talking with strangers, laughing, and discovering. Ki Tae even sang a karaoke song to a bar full of people that cheered him on like a superstar. Lee Wan had stayed at the bar counter for that one, but cheered alongside the rest of the bargoers as Ki Tae brought his song to a killer close.

Some time later they were stumbling across the streets, Ki Tae having nearly lost Lee Wan in the crowd a number of times. When it happened again, he quickly grabbed Lee Wan’s arm and pulled him off to a side alley. They stood underneath a bright pink sign advertising a pub. Just as Ki Tae started to suggest they take a small break, Lee Wan brought the camera up and startled him by taking a photo.

“Hey!”

“Sorry, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. You look amaz—” Lee Wan snapped his mouth shut.

Ki Tae leant against the brick wall behind him, considering. “You don't have to stop.”

Lee Wan slowly brought the camera up again. He fiddled around with the setting before snapping away some pictures. Ki Tae merely looked at him, content to be the subject of Lee Wan’s artistry. It was loving, the way Lee Wan looked at him, and Ki Tae had always shone under his gaze.

When it Lee Wan had finished, Ki Tae pushed himself off the wall and was surprised to find Lee Wan holding out his hand.

“Want to find a quieter place?”

Ki Tae took the offered hand, lacing their fingers together.

They stopped by another convenience store to grab some cans of beer, before heading away to a quieter area, finding themselves perched on top of a retaining wall with a good view of the streets below.

“I really liked today,” Ki Tae said after a comfortable silence.

Lee Wan smiled, giving his shoulder a small bump. His face was flush, eyes bright with feeling.

“I’m not so bad, huh?”

Ki Tae smiled, “No, you’re not.” He took another sip of his beer. “Do you have something you want to say?”

Lee Wan looked away and laughed awkwardly.

“No, nothing.”

Ki Tae peered at him.

“Your face says otherwise.”

“No, no…”

“What is it?”

Lee Wan bit his lip. “I’m glad you had fun today. I was hoping…I-I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

“I did,” Ki Tae declared. “But that’s not it.”

“I’m glad that we’ve been hanging out, Ki Tae. I know-I know I hurt you, but…”

“You like me, don’t you?” Ki Tae interrupted.

He didn’t want to be reminded of the hurt tonight. He wanted to enjoy himself. To enjoy this moment. To enjoy Lee Wan and the fact of simply being together after so many years.

Lee Wan’s eyes widened.

“W-What are you saying?” he huffed out with an uncertain laugh.

Ki Tae shuffled closer, leaning into Lee Wan’s space.

He wanted to kiss him.

A yearning.

He wanted to.

“You’re blushing.”

“Because I’m drunk,” Lee Wan claimed, avoiding his eyes now. He didn’t pull back.

“That’s not it,” Ki Tae repeated softly.

And after having reprimanded Lee Wan for his confession style several years ago, Ki Tae deliberately chose to use the same one now.

He closed his eyes and slowly pushed his lips against the man’s. For all his initial protests, Ki Tae found that Lee Wan responded quickly. Their lips slipped between each other's, warm and inviting. Lee Wan leaned in fully, pressing closer. Ki Tae brought a hand to Lee Wan’s face, lightly holding him in place. This is how it should’ve been all along.

When they parted lips their foreheads remained pressed against one another’s, their breaths shaky and mingling between them.

It had taken them seven years, but now they were back again on the cusp, and Ki Tae felt suspended in air. He was too eager for what could come to backtrack, to regress, to shutter his emotions once more. But the path forward for them was unknown and allowing himself to step forward and see what held between them was like leaping and not knowing whether he was falling into safety or an abyss.

He lingered, eyes closed, afraid to move an inch.

Lee Wan pulled back minutely. He was dazed and unsure.

“Ki Tae…” Lee Wan whispered.

Ki Tae brushed his nose against Lee Wan’s before going in again for another kiss.

He would keep them suspended for a bit longer.

Chapter Text

He didn’t realize that the feeling would linger so palpably. 

When he went to bed the night before, Ki Tae had imagined that he would wake up with the thought of their kiss in mind. He had accepted the inevitable—that he would replay the moment over and over, caught in the triumph of having achieved something he had once thought was an impossibility. Enraptured by the thought of them.

But in waking up the next morning he realized that the moment did not only occupy his mind, but rather was etched into his body. His lips still tingled with the ghost of soft kisses and playful bites. Each patch of skin that Lee Wan’s hand had pressed against, felt warm, as if his hands still lay upon it. His body was stamped of Lee Wan. 

Marked. 

This was both better and so impossibly worse than before.

He slowly opened his eyes.

Despite the fact that it felt as if everything he knew had been forever altered, his room looked normal. His world had shifted and yet his sweater still hung off the back of his chair, the paint chip on the wall was still unfixed, and the sun still shone brightly into the room, winning the battle against the curtains.

The world outside of him should not feel this normal.

He gingerly sat up, noting he felt parched; he probably should’ve drank more water last night. Ki Tae rubbed his eyes, bursts of light followed the movement of his fingers against the dark of his eyelids. 

His lips continued to tingle. 

The particular spot where Lee Wan had caressed the skin above his waistband prickled against his clothes.

Ki Tae stood up and made his way into his living space, needing to gather himself. 

He turned on the coffee maker, then headed to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth while his coffee brewed. Once done, he strode back to fix himself up a yogurt bowl, replete with fresh fruit and honey. He poured his coffee out into his favorite mug, a double helping of it given the circumstances, and sighed when he took the first sip.

They had really kissed.

He started on breakfast, chewing slowly as he thought through what came next. He wanted to see Lee Wan again, that was for sure. However, he was unsure of how to go about it. Should he invite him to hangout? Would it be a date or was that still too much?

He unlocked his cellphone and tapped on the screen a few times. He put the phone on speaker, the shrill of the ringing disturbing the peace.

They had kissed. What was the point in wallowing?

“Hello?”

Ki Tae couldn’t help but smile when he heard Lee Wan’s voice.

“Hey,” Ki Tae greeted. “Lee Wan…I’m glad to hear you.”

A pause, then, “I-It’s good you called. I’m…I’m happy you called.”

“Yeah?” Ki Tae inquired playfully, his face breaking into a full grin.

“Yeah,” Lee Wan affirmed, and Ki Tae could hear his smile in his voice. He swore he could.

“What are you doing today?”

“Uh…not much, I’ll probably do some sketching.”

“Do you want to hang out?”

“So soon?”

“Is that so bad?” Ki Tae asked. 

Perhaps he was being greedy with Lee Wan’s time, but he felt no remorse over it. They had lost too much of it already.

“No, no it’s not…” Lee Wan responded shyly. 

“Great! I was thinking, maybe we can do a hike?”

Lee Wan groaned and Ki Tae laughed in response. “Is that a no?”

“Don’t you have a hangover?”

“No, do you?”

“No!” Lee Wan refuted hastily.

“Right…,” Ki Tae teased. “Listen, you'll do fine! I’ll choose an easier one, I promise! Don’t know what Sunny was thinking when she chose the last one.”

Lee Wan remained silently unconvinced. Ki Tae took a bite of his breakfast, before continuing. 

“And about your hangover—”

“I don’t have a hangover.”

“—sure, sure, but haven’t you heard that hikes are good for health and, in particular, hangover recovery?”

“No,” Lee Wan answered flatly. “I seemed to have missed that ancient proverb about hangovers.” 

With a long-suffering sigh he finally agreed to meet Ki Tae at the trailhead of another hike in two hours. Ki Tae hung up the phone, quickly wolfed down the rest of his food and moved to get ready.

—

When Lee Wan arrived at the hiking trailhead, Ki Tae was already there. Ki Tae bound up from his seat on the bench to meet him halfway.

“Hi,” he said eagerly and Lee Wan smiled shyly in return. 

Ki Tae let his eyes roam down the man’s body, taking in the oversized, mustard yellow jacket, brown rugged boots, and khaki cargo. The gray beanie Lee Wan wore, flattened some of his fringe into his eyes, making him look cute in all his hiking gear. 

Moving his eyes back up to Lee Wan's, he noted that he had not been the only one checking the other out. Lee Wan’s eyes had just finished roaming around his body when they looked up to meet Ki Tae’s. A blush spread across his cheeks when he realized he had been caught.

“Should we get started?” Ki Tae asked.

Lee Wan nodded and began to follow him to the beginning of the path and up the first ascent.

They hiked comfortably with minimal chat for about thirty minutes. The landscape trended upwards and the greenery swallowed the entrance behind them. Ki Tae smiled at the golden light that hit the yellow and red leaves of the trees around them, enjoying the beauty of the land. 

He turned towards Lee Wan to make a comment about needing his camera to capture the moment, but found himself nearly flailing as Lee Wan stepped right up to him and captured his lips in a kiss. It was inevitable that he would get lost in it, so enveloped that he would be unable to differentiate between the warmth of the sun’s rays and Lee Wan’s heat. 

They found themselves stumbling until Lee Wan’s back hit the trunk of a tree, and it is here that Ki Tae took over and led the kiss, kissing deeper, hungrier, with an ardor that rendered Lee Wan weak in the knees.

And then Lee Wan moaned. 

Ki Tae gasped at the sound, bringing his hands up to caress Lee Wan’s jaw and the other to hold on to Lee Wan’s nape as he pressed himself further against the man.

“Ki Tae,” Lee Wan whimpered, lips tumbling against Ki Tae’s.

Ki Tae slowly pulled away from the kiss, breathing heavily.

The area around them was silent other than the sound of rustling trees, wind, and occasional birdsong. Not that Ki Tae was sure no one had passed while they were wrapped up in eachother. All his senses had been tuned to Lee Wan. For all he knew someone could have witnessed their debauchery and scurried away, scandalized. 

“You started it,” Ki Tae said accusingly, though it was clear from his tone that it was in jest.

Lee Wan gave him a small hesitant smile. “I know. But we should probably, uh, get it together before someone comes by.”

It took him a few moments to detach himself, but Ki Tae managed to step away from Lee Wan. He eyed him from his new position, wishing he could do the opposite. Lee Wan was able to finally gather himself and stand upright away from the tree. He gave Ki Tae a look before holding out his hand, an offering.

Ki Tae’s eyes brightened in delight. He took Lee Wan’s hand and laced their fingers together, pulling at him to nudge them onwards. He relished in their clasped hands, fixing Lee Wan with a cheeky gaze.

“Is this hike going better than the first one?”

“Infinitely,” Lee Wan replied.

“Not bad for a first date?” Ki Tae asked after a moment.

Lee Wan faltered for a second, before meeting Ki Tae’s eyes determinedly.

“No, not bad at all,” he responded quietly. Then, “I mean, I’ve had worse.”

Ki Tae’s eyes widened. He felt a tightening in his chest at the thought. 

Lee Wan had dated other people? 

He knew it was irrational. They had been apart for seven years, it was stupid to think that Lee Wan would abstain from dating. Irrational even. 

“Who? When?”

“Oh…long ago…you know…some guy,” Lee Wan answered noncommittally.

Ki Tae glared at the ground. He was being a fool and he knew it. Lee Wan had no loyalties to him then. He had every right to date ‘some guy.’ A guy that apparently wasn’t even worthy of a name or second thought, but yet had managed to get to Lee Wan before him. 

The current of jealousy in his body was undeniable.

Lee Wan sighed, casting an exasperated, yet affectionate glance at the man who had practically grown mute beside him.

“I’m joking,” he admitted. “I’ve never dated. There hasn’t been anyone else.”

The admission should not have brought Ki Tae so much joy, but it did. He knew it was selfish and hypocritical. He knew it, but couldn’t help but feel it.

“How about you? Have you dated?”

He really should’ve expected that question.

“We should probably hurry up. The trail will get busier and—”

“Ki Tae,” Lee Wan said firmly, stopping to stare at him with a raised eyebrow. 

Ki Tae stopped and sighed. “Yes, I’ve been on dates, but nothing was ever serious and eventually I just stopped. Nothing felt right. Nothing felt like this…”

Lee Wan squeezed his hand, giving him a small smile. 

“Now that wasn’t so hard was it?”

“Shut up.”

“You’re an idiot. A hypocrite, in fact.”

“Hey!”

Lee Wan laughed. He looked away momentarily in thought. 

“So…you’ll date me then?” he finally asked hesitatingly. His voice reached for aloofness, but there was a vulnerability that belied it. 

Ki Tae leaned in to give him a quick kiss. “Yes.”

—

The movie was watching them.

Ki Tae pushed against Lee Wan, pinning him to the couch, clambering on top of him right afterward. 

After the hike, Ki Tae had invited Lee Wan back to his home. They were both tired but unwilling to part, so they had agreed to rest by watching a movie together. 

“Ki Tae,” Lee Wan gasped.

They had arrived home in good spirits, fatigued but content. The hike had been completed in decent time and they had enjoyed spending it together. Even Lee Wan had not grumbled too much despite his initial reluctance to the activity. They had been too caught up in each other to care all too much about the steep parts; had been too absorbed in learning each other again to not smile through the mud of recent rains, the tripping over rocks, and occasional scratch from rogue branches. 

Ki Tae pressed his lips roughly against Lee Wan’s, bringing his hands up to caress Lee Wan’s jawline and take a hold of the hair at the back of his head. He angled his head to deepen the kiss, swallowing Lee Wan’s soft moans.

Lee Wan brought his hands hesitantly to Ki Tae’s hips, taking a hold of him and pulling him forward, pressing their bodies firmly together. Ki Tae broke free from Lee Wan’s lips, gasping, and thrusting against him, causing Lee Wan to bury his face into Ki Tae’s throat.

There he found a patch of soft skin that he latched onto, sucking deeply.

“P-Please, Lee Wan. Please…”

The initial decision to go to Ki Tae’s home had been thoroughly pure.

When they had arrived, Ki Tae had quickly showered and then had handed Lee Wan spare clothes and a towel so that he could rinse off the grime of the hike as well. While he waited, he had put together a quick charcuterie board of snacks for them to munch on while they watched the movie.

It had started innocently enough as they settled into the comfortable couch, both with their feet up and crossed legged, knees brushing together. Ki Tae had placed the snacks in front of them on the coffee table, and turned on the movie. Some drama Lee Wan had wanted to see. Ki Tae hadn’t cared much for the film, but would have agreed to anything for Lee Wan.

Around thirty minutes in, after a good portion of the snacks had been grazed, Lee Wan had settled comfortably into the couch and cuddled against Ki Tae. 

It had only gotten steamier from there.

Ki Tae moaned under the onslaught. He wanted Lee Wan to mark him, lay a claim on him that made physical the claim that he had unknowingly staked so many years before. Ki Tae felt the smarting of skin on his neck, knowing that tomorrow there would be a hickey. The thought left him wanton.

He pulled away minutely and kissed Lee Wan again, this time softer, with feelings. He pressed their foreheads together, catching his breath. Ki Tae knew that if they continued, they would go further today than either had imagined. 

The bulge in his pants strained against the material and Ki Tae gasped when Lee Wan aligned and pressed himself against him again, equally as hard.

“Do you want to?” Ki Tae rasped out. 

Please. Please. Please.

“Yes,” was Lee Wan’s response which quickly turned into a low moan as Ki Tae started rocking against him. Their breaths mingled, hot and heady. Ki Tae plastered himself against Lee Wan, hands buried deep in his auburn hair, foreheads pressed together.

Lee Wan carefully placed his hands on Ki Tae’s ass, helping him writhe and press into each other. Ki Tae shivered, loving the feeling of Lee Wan touching his body: he could have it, all of it, he could.

Perhaps he should’ve been more embarrassed when he finally came with a loud whine as his orgasm made him see white. He crushed his lips against Lee Wan’s and determined to be closer, every inch of him connected to the man underneath him. Lee Wan’s arms had similarly encircled his waist and pulled him infinitely closer, taking in his moans, his whimpers, giving grunts of his own as he rode his wave of pleasure.
God, they hadn’t even had penetrative sex, and Ki Tae felt completely boneless. 

Would it always feel like this?

God, he hoped it would. 

He hoped.

Chapter Text

Sunny had been staring at him all week and he was starting to get nervous. 

He chanced a glance up at her once more, cursing when her eyes steadily met his, unembarrassed by her own behavior. Ki Tae had to look away again. 

He thought he knew why she had been staring at him, but he did not feel the need to open up that line of conversation. If she chose to not broach the subject with him, then neither would he.

Instead he would continue living his days as normal.

As normal as he could when his world had seemingly teetered into some kind of pleasant but baffling unreality, of course.

His work days were pretty much the same. He came in, sat at his same desk, attended meetings, steered his boss into making rational decisions, and tried to keep their very small company afloat. His work and responsibilities were never ending, his passion for his job was unwavering. So what if Sunny’s eyes were practically lasering the question mark of an unuttered question into his face? He worked around it, he got his job done, and finished all his work in a timely manner.

He needed to be timely because after work is where his entire world spun.

Lee Wan and him seemed to be making up for lost time. They spent every second they could manage together, chatting, laughing, reading, playing, kissing.

There was so much kissing.

Seven years ago, when Lee Wan had disappeared, Ki Tae could not imagine being able to ever experience this closeness with Lee Wan. He couldn’t imagine that he would intimately know the man’s longing looks and breathless sounds of pleasure. Couldn’t dream he would be able to hold him against his chest as they watched TV together. Hold his hand during evening walks in the quiet parts of town. It felt so surreal that he often found himself just staring at Lee Wan, worried that he would be gone in a blink.

Lee Wan was shy and played his feelings a bit closer to his chest, but Ki Tae knew that he was happy. The insidious voice inside himself questioned how long the happiness would last, but Ki Tae would not allow it to overcome him. 

When the clock struck six, he practically jumped from his desk and started gathering his things. He wondered if Lee Wan would be available after his shift tonight and was about to pull out his phone to text him when a tap on his shoulder had him turning.

He came to face Sunny who was looking at him expectantly. The rest of the team was behind her as well.

“...Yes?”

“Did you forget we were going out to the bar tonight? You said you would come.”

“I-I did?”

“Yes,” Sunny said slowly, in a mocking tone. “You did.”

“We’re going to Ginseng. Soo-min says she hasn’t seen you in a while.”

Ki Tae sighed internally.

“Fine.”

Sunny gave him a mocking smile and pushed past him towards the elevator.

“I didn’t realize hanging out with us would be such a downer to you,” Sunny quipped on the walk over to Ginseng.

Ki Tae glared at her.

“Would inviting Lee Wan make it better?”

“He’s working,” Ki Tae bit out and immediately knew it had been the wrong response because Sunny’s eyes brightened in mischief.

“Intimately acquainted with his schedule, aren't you?” she said, and he didn’t deign that with a response.

Jamie and their boss boisterous brought him into their conversation and Ki Tae immediately took the bait. He preferred that to enduring the smug air of knowing that hovered around Sunny.

Soo-min was delighted when they arrived and took their seats at the bar, immediately bringing them a couple of shots on her. She hovered by Ki Tae in particular.

“I haven’t seen you in so long!”

“Sorry,” Ki Tae shrugged with a small, guilty smile. “I’ve been really busy. I’m glad to see you, Soo-min.”

She leaned over the bar and placed an extra shot in front of him, bringing her index finger to her lips in a shushing manner. She then turned, already being called to the other side of the bar to take orders. Ki Tae shrugged and drank the second shot too.

“Soo-min is interested in you, you know that right?”

Ki Tae nearly choked on the liquid.

“W-what?”

“Honestly, you can be so oblivious. That girl has had a crush on you since the first time we started coming here,” Sunny stated. “Yes,” she continued, cutting him off once she saw him about to protest. “She has been flirting all this time. Yes, you’re an idiot to not have noticed, it was quite obvious. Yes, you should probably, at some point, make it quite clear you are not interested.”

Ki Tae swallowed hard, gazing at Soo-min who was still taking orders further along the bar. He hadn’t even noticed. He honestly hadn’t really noticed anyone’s interest in him for years. He hadn’t cared.

“I…well I hadn’t noticed.”

“No shit.”

“Sunny, I didn’t mean to lead her on—”

Sunny rolled her eyes. 

“I know. You're too kind of a person to do something like that. You were just oblivious. But you have found romance, haven’t you, Ki Tae?”

Ki Tae bit his lip, glancing over her shoulder at the boss and Jamie who were engrossed in a conversation with some of the other folks sat at the bar. They seemed to be too preoccupied to overhear them. 

He gave Sunny a short nod. “Yeah, I think so. Lee Wan and I, well, it's not like you haven't figured it out…”

Sunny eyed him curiously. “Are you happy?”

“Yes,” Ki Tae assured her. “We’re…figuring it out.”

“What does that even mean?”

“We’re dating,” Ki Tae tried to affirm.

Sunny tilted her head. “Why don’t you sound sure?”

Ki Tae felt a discomfort in his chest: a tightening, a twinge that caused him to hitch his breath.

“I really like him, Sunny. I still want him,” he insisted.

“But?”

“But I don’t know how long this will last. I don’t know if he will stay in Seoul. He says he wants to, but will he? What if things don’t go right? We said we are dating, but what does he actually want from this, from us?”

He faltered, as he mind continued to produce more questions than he had realized he had.

“Ki Tae,” Sunny murmured, reaching out to take his hands into hers. "You seem to have a lot of questions.”

“I don’t want to push—”

“—But you need them answered,” Sunny rebutted. “You’ve been hurt. All this time, you’ve been hurt. And now you are dating the source of that pain. Do you think he understands that?”

“Yes, I think so. He said he did...I mean it was implied...”

Sunny looked at him with a sad smile, “I don’t know if that’s enough.”

“What do you mean?” Ki Tae asked, but Sunny shook her head moving on. 

“You should talk more—with Lee Wan—and get the answers to your questions.”

Ki Tae sighed. Objectively, he knew this was sound advice, and that he would be a fool to ignore it. But he didn’t want to feel so needy, seem so desperate. He was afraid of being so wrapped up in what he wanted them to be that he ended up pushing Lee Wan away. Because at the end, though Ki Tae knew that Lee Wan liked him, he wasn’t sure that Lee Wan's desire for him was proportionate to the one he felt for Lee Wan.

That kind of desire to be returned…

It felt an impossible thing.

—
Ki Tae didn’t know why he agreed to it, but he couldn’t exactly get out of it now.

“Stop moving,” Lee Wan repeated for the sixth time.

“How long is this going to take?”

“I told you earlier, it would be around ten minutes or so per pose.”

“You said that like twenty minutes ago,” Ki Tae protested.

“Worst. Model. Ever,” Lee Wan said under his breath.

“I don’t know, Lee Wan, the man’s hot,” his friend quipped, causing Ki Tae to preen smugly and Lee Wan to shoot a glare at his friend.

“That doesn’t constitute a good model!”

“Yeah, but it sure doesn’t count against him.”

Lee Wan rolled his eyes.

Ki Tae had been enthusiastic when Lee Wan had asked him to model for the art circle he was a part of one evening. He thought it would be nice to contribute to Lee Wan’s passion, just as Lee Wan suffered through video games for him, so he had followed him to the studio of a local artist who was hosting the event.

Ki Tae had tried to hold still, but had come to realize it was not his best event. In fact, he was disastrously bad at it.

He concentrated more to cease the inertia of his limbs. 

It was interesting to be observed like this, twelve pairs of eyes roaming over his body and choosing where to focus their efforts. He had walked around in an earlier break to talk to some of the artists and if permitted, view their sketches. It fascinated him, their different styles and mediums. He had enjoyed viewing their interpretations of him. 

Unfortunately, Lee Wan had adamantly refused to allow him to view his sketches. He hoped to convince him otherwise later. He had ideas on how to do so, but for that they would need a private room.

When the art hour wrapped up, the place became more relaxed and people stayed around to chat and eat snacks. The artist had floor pillows strewn across the space; folks claimed them and sat to chat with friends. Ki Tae was familiar with a few of the people present, having met them at Sunny’s party earlier in the year.

“I’m Roha,” said the man who had complimented him earlier. He had sidled up to Ki Tae with a winning smile and friendly eyes. 

“Ki Tae,” Ki Tae responded with a grin. 

Roha took a seat on one of the throw pillows by the corner and gestured for Ki Tae to join him. Ki Tae did just as Lee Wan brought over a cup of wine for him. He took a seat next to Ki Tae and Roha too.

“So, Lee Wan, where did you find him? I mean we asked you to bring in a model, but I didn’t think you would actually go GQ!”

Lee Wan shook his head and smiled, “I’ve known Ki Tae for a while. We went to the same high school.”

It stung though Ki Tae tried to remain unbothered.

A high school buddy, huh. 

He reasoned that was the safest answer Lee Wan could really give. Their dating wasn’t something that they had agreed to tell anyone; the only reason Sunny knew was because she had pretty much figured it out for herself.

“What do you do?” Roha asked Ki Tae, and Ki Tae gave him a quick run down of his work. Roha was highly interested in his job, having worked for video game companies before, and they spent the next half hour or so chatting. Lee Wan seemed to be content to just listen and snack, continuing to sketch in his notebook.

“Lee Wan, I’m so sorry you have to hear us blathering on about games!” Roha exclaimed at one point apologetically. 

“It's OK,” Lee Wan said with a shrug.

Roha turned his attention to Lee Wan, seemingly determined to make up for his faux-pas.

“How’s everything on your end of things?”

“Good,” Lee Wan said carefully, as if cautious to get too excited. “I think the wedding painting business is picking up. I have three events booked in the coming months.”

“Wow, that’s great! Honestly, ever since you mentioned it to me, live painting at weddings has been infiltrating my feed. The algorithm is listening,” Roha joked.

Lee Wan blushed. “I’m not one to support the algorithm, but if it drums up business for me…let the phones listen on.”

“It’s really cool though, and I’m sure you’ll get more folks. Especially rich folks. They always want to find ways to make their weddings unique,” Roha said agreeably with a wink. “I’m sure they’d fly you out somewhere just to have you paint at their wedding. Maybe you'll end up in the Maldives or Tuscany.”

“I actually already have an offer like that,” Lee Wan admitted embarrassedly. 

“Really!?” Roha asked, sitting up in excitement. Ki Tae sat up as well but with another feeling entirely.

“Yeah, I got an offer from a couple in Singapore. They’ve been together ten years and want to make their wedding special. They want me to do a painting of the wedding and also a scene from their tea ceremony. I’m flying out next month to do that one.”

“That’s amazing!” said Roha, clapping Lee Wan on the back. “And there’s surely more where that came from! Soon you’ll be jet-setting!”

“Hardly, but...I’ve never been to Singapore before,” Lee Wan said, excitement beginning to color his voice. “I’ve never actually been out of the country.”

“You’re going to love it!”

They began to talk further about Lee Wan’s upcoming travels, Roha trying to convince Lee Wan to stay longer in Singapore so that he could explore it. Lee Wan was hesitant but certainly seemed to be warming up to the idea.

Next to him, Ki Tae was spiraling.

Lee Wan hadn’t even bothered to inform him that he was leaving. He knew it wasn't forever, but apparently he hadn’t been considered important enough to even mention it to. Was it a slip of the mind, or did Lee Wan simply not see him as a person who should know such things? Were they not dating? Weren’t these the kind of things you told someone you were dating? Surely you would tell someone you're dating you’re going away, even if it were just a weekend.

If you cared to, you would.

Ki Tae stood abruptly. It wasn’t right. They weren’t right.

Ki Tae’s sudden movement made the pair stop mid conversation and look up at him confusedly. Ki Tae stepped over Roha, not bothering to bid him as much as a goodbye, and went to the other side of the room to gather his belongings quickly. He couldn’t stay; he could feel it coming, constricting his chest, and clawing up his throat. He hated that he was reacting this way. It wasn’t rational. Wasn’t even close to logical. It wasn’t the side of him he wanted people to see. 

“Ki Tae!” cried Lee Wan going after him, but Ki Tae shrugged off the hand that wrapped around his arm and headed to the door. He was trying to not crack in front of everyone. He was already causing a scene and was beyond humiliated.

He left the studio and reached the exit to the building in record time. Stepping into the cool air, he threw on his coat and scarf haphazardly as he tried to get away quickly. He had managed to get a couple of blocks away before he felt someone yank him back.

“Ki Tae, what’s wrong?” Lee Wan demanded, holding him by the shoulders. 

Ki Tae opened his mouth to speak, but all that came was a sob.

Lee Wan watched alarmed as the man he was dating broke down in front of him. 

Ki Tae tried to wipe his tears, but the more he tried to get rid of them, the more they pooled in his eyes, and he had to give up, slumping against the side of the building he stood in front of. He was shaking, agonizing in the whirling fears that overwhelmed him.

“Y-your leaving,” he gasped out. “Y-you didn’t tell me?”

Lee Wan frowned. He opened his mouth several times unsure of how to answer. It hurt him to see Ki Tae like this and not know what to do.

“I-I guess I forgot. I’m not leaving indefinitely…”

That had clearly been the wrong answer because Ki Tae’s lips trembled and he looked down at the ground stubbornly silent.

“Ki Tae,” Lee Wan said in a low voice, stepping closer to the man. “Please, tell me what’s wrong.”

Ki Tae drew a breath and worked to calm himself. 

He wouldn’t allow the anxiety to take over. He focused on the rhythm of his heart, willing it to slow down.

“I missed you then, Lee Wan,” he finally said, echoing the words he had spoken months ago. “I missed you.”

“I know—”

“You don’t,” Ki Tae said sharply, surprising Lee Wan by cutting him off. “You said you did, but you don’t. But I can’t blame you for it. I wasn’t clear enough.”

Ki Tae let his head loll back on the side of the building, moving it to gaze at Lee Wan’s eyes. His body was trembling and the feeling of the cold brick against his back was the only thing that was keeping him grounded.

“I'm scared, Lee Wan. Of losing you again. Of you disappearing. Lee Wan, I...I need to know that you aren’t going to do that again. You’re talking about flights and going abroad, y-you didn’t even tell me you were going…”

“I’m sorry,” Lee Wan acknowledged, moving to take Ki Tae’s hand in his. “I didn’t realize how…I just didn’t realize.”

Ki Tae smiled sadly, shaking his head. “It was a mistake for me to have assumed you actually understood how intensely I felt for you then. How I still feel it now. Your leaving, it wounded me. These wounds are deep. I bear them most of the time, but sometimes…”

He trailed off, taking his hand away from Lee Wan. 

“I need you to understand that I can’t live with ambiguities. Not when it comes to you. So if you want to be together, you have to say so. You need to be direct with me. Always. Because when you're not," Ki Tae said, voice breaking, "I despair. And I’m so, so tired of living in despair…”

He pushed off the wall and stepped closer to Lee Wan, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. He gave him a sad, shaky smile and nod, before turning away and heading towards the train station.

Lee Wan stood there.

And he thought. 

Chapter Text

It had been a night of fitful sleep.

His eyelids weighed heavy and he could feel the deep imprint of the dark circles that bruised the skin underneath his eyes.

Yawning, Ki Tae staggered out of bed. If sleep had eluded him throughout most of the night, he had no hope of finding it now.

Slipping into his house slippers, he shuffled into the kitchen, putting on a kettle to heat water for a tea. As he waited, he curled up on the couch that he and Lee Wan had blissfully cuddled in only a few days ago. Craving comfort, he drew the throw blanket over his body, wrapping himself in its warmth. He buried his face in its material, and let out a frustrated groan. 

His mind whirled, replaying the events of the night before, wondering how he could have been so stupid. The more he thought about it, the more he cringed at the gross overreaction he had allowed himself to have. It was mortifying to break down at the drop of a hat simply because his boyfriend was going away for a few days, and yet he hadn’t been able to control it, reason himself into not overreacting. He hadn't been able to stop himself from saying all that he did.

They hadn’t even been dating for long and he had shown himself to be a nervous, insecure wreck of a man. A patchwork man, stitched together by hurt and yearning. 

He curled further into the blanket, ignoring the sound of the kettle alerting to the water having boiled. He had told Lee Wan to think it over. Perhaps it was still too early to expect a response. Or perhaps the lack of communication was response enough.

The sound of an email coming in had him frowning and dragging his phone from his pocket.

Noting the sender, Ki Tae drew a deep breath before tapping on the notification which opened his email app. Another tap brought him to the message, containing only a link. Frowning, he clicked on the link and was brought to Lee Wan’s blog site. 

Lee Wan had posted something new this morning.  

The blog post was entitled “Longing.” It was a series of small vignettes done in many styles and mediums, but the focus of each was clearly the same person.

Ki Tae’s eyes roamed over the works. His familiarity with Lee Wan’s style of drawing back then dated some of the works for him, but he glanced down at each of the dated signatures anyway, confirming that they had been done throughout the years they were apart.

He then allowed himself to really look at the art. In vignette after vignette Lee Wan had depicted himself in many spaces: a watercolor of him sitting on the floor, game controller in hand, eyes darkened and looking towards another controller that lay unused on the floor; an oil painting of him at his desk in a packed classroom, quietly doing work as his peers—depicted in dynamic swirls of color and brush strokes—laughed, jeered, and joked with each other around him; a quick ball-point drawing of Lee Wan reading a book on a bench, raising the book close to his face as if accustomed to leaving enough space on his lap for a person to lay their head there and stretch their body across the bench if they wanted to; a pencil masterpiece of him gazing into a mirror critically; a highly saturated acrylic of him waiting on a table in a dimly lit restaurant; sketches of him doing mundane tasks, walking, biking, just being, but in each work his eyes are far away and sad, or he is alone, utterly alone, even when the space around him is not.

Ki Tae’s breath caught. These works were intimate and messy, acting as journal entries of his time after his departure.

He scrolled a bit further, heart jumping when a picture of himself appeared on the screen. The picture was from the day they had gone out together and taken photos around the city; a portrait from the evening, when they had stumbled into Hongdae.

In the portrait, Ki Tae's gaze penetrated past the camera, connecting not with the object, but with the person behind it. The soft glow of Hongdae’s neon lights kissed his skin, hues of pinks and red colored his face and gleamed in his eyes. His features softened in film, the medium romantic and gentling. Ki Tae's eyes were like reflection pools, mirroring his innermost thoughts, and perhaps, he dared to hope, reflecting the photographer's as well. In his own eyes, Ki Tae witnessed the curiosity he remembered feeling that night; the mixture of joy, desire, and inkling of renewed hope. 

There was no mistaking the hope.

—

Lee Wan had not expected a knock at his door to sound in the early afternoon.

He loathed to step away from his phone which lay charging on his bedside table, but sighed and reluctantly headed towards the door, hoping that whoever was on the other side didn’t delay him too much.

Ever since he had posted the blog post and emailed it to Ki Tae, time had been ticking forward at an agonizing pace. He had hoped he would’ve received a message or call by now. Surely Ki Tae had seen his email? He wasn’t one to sleep well into the afternoon and Ki Tae’s habit of constantly checking his phone in case he had a work emergency to respond to was well known. It was on this habit that Lee Wan had been counting on when he sent the email that morning.

Lee Wan swung the door open, mood foul enough to level the person on the other side with a glare.

Ki Tae stared at him sheepishly from the other side of the door.

Lee Wan’s glare dropped instantly.

“Can I come in?” Ki Tae asked hesitantly. 

Lee Wan jerked out of his shock, ears flushing.

“Of course!” he said, springing aside and allowing room for Ki Tae to slip past him into the space. 

He was temporarily living in rentable, dorm-like quarters while he saved up money. The room was small, but tidy. Lee Wan gestured for Ki Tae to sit on the only chair in the room while he gingerly sat at the edge of his bed instead.

Looking at Ki Tae now, he felt so many words come up and die on his tongue. It left him unsure of what to say.

Ki Tae studied him silently and Lee Wan felt comforted at least in the fact that Ki Tae seemed to be just as mute.

Finally, Ki Tae took a steadying breath and stood up. Lee Wan watched him step closer and closer, surprised when Ki Tae slid into his lap, knees framing his hips, and brought his hands up to cradle his face. He leaned down to kiss him. Startled, it took a moment before Lee Wan brought his hand to rest intimately on Ki Tae’s upper thigh and kissed back eagerly. Their lips met, over and over, shallow breaths taken in favor of losing themselves in each other’s mouths. Ki Tae plastered himself against his front, shuddering against him with a whimper.

“I’m sorry,” Lee Wan whispered.

Ki Tae grazed a small kiss on his lips and pressed their foreheads together.

“I am so sorry.”

Shaking his head Ki Tae opened his mouth to respond, but Lee Wan cut off whatever he was going to say. He was sure it would be too forgiving, too self deprecating, and he couldn’t allow that. Instead he raised a hand up to Ki Tae’s face, thumb caressing his cheek.

“When you invited me to your house the first time, y-you tried to warn me. You said you missed me and I…I said I understood, that I knew, but I didn’t…not really.”

He drew a breath. “I’ve honestly tried very hard not to think about it because I didn’t want to believe that I caused you so much pain. I didn’t want to be…responsible for that. But I am…”

“It’s not your fault—” Ki Tae said, tensing up rapidly.

Lee Wan cut in again.

“It is,” he affirmed, finally looking at Ki Tae directly in the eye, determined to set things right. “It was childish to run away like I did, and then I at least had the excuse of having still been pretty much a kid barely heading into adulthood. But now...now there is no excuse other than willful ignorance and I can’t do that to you. I’m sorry for hurting you again. I know. I was inconsiderate and I’m sorry and it is best if—”

Ki Tae pushed his lips against Lee Wan’s again, murmuring against them frantically. “I forgive you. I-I…you were hurt too then. I saw it in your paintings, your drawings on your post. We were both hurting and unaware—”

Lee Wan frowned, bewildered at Ki Tae's tone. Why was he trying so hard to smooth things over and share the blame? Ki Tae had been the one surprised with a kiss back then. Ki Tae had spent years looking for him, when all Lee Wan had done was confuse them both and hide. Ki Tae was not at fault for any of this.

Lee Wan gently took Ki Tae's face into his hand again and really looked at him. Peering into his eyes, he caught a glimpse of what Ki Tae was trying to hide.

Fear. Ki Tae was afraid.

Of what?

"Ki Tae, what's wrong?"

"I don't want you taking all the blame, not if you'll end up thinking it is too much. Not if—" 

He stopped himself from continuing the rest of the thought, as if uttering the words would make them come true. "I won't allow it," Ki Tae finished in a steely non-sequitur. 

But Lee Wan understood.

He was afraid that Lee Wan would decide that the best course of action, the best way to not continue to hurt him, would be to not be with him at all. 

After everything they had been through, how did they keep on finding themselves in these misunderstandings?

Lee Wan was no saint. He was not so selfless as to cast Ki Tae from his life again, even if it was for his own good.

It would break them both.

Lee Wan knew he needed to reassure him and find a way to better explain himself.

“I want you,” he declared, needing Ki Tae to believe it. “Don’t you know that?”

Ki Tae sat up on Lee Wan’s lap, wide-eyed and surprised. Lee Wan hugged the man tight, burying his face into his chest. Ki Tae hesitantly placed a hand into his auburn hair, but still did not audibly respond. 

“I need you to know that,” Lee Wan continued, voice muffled against Ki Tae’s cotton shirt. Tears sprung to his eyes.

“It’s…it’s OK if it is hard to believe now. I’ll work hard…I’ll make you believe it.”

Slowly, Ki Tae sagged down releasing some of the tension in his body.

“OK,” He whispered. “OK.”

Chapter Text

Ki Tae grinned the moment he opened the bar door to Ginseng. He waved at Soo-min who noticed his entrance and gave him a quick wink from where she was pouring a couple of glasses of beer at the bar.

He had cleared things up with her about a month ago, had been forced to really, as she had been close to asking him out and Ki Tae had really not wanted to deal with that. He told her he was taken and introduced her to Lee Wan again, this time as his partner. She had taken it in stride.

"Now don't you stop coming here just because you got yourself a boyfriend. The pair of you, and Sunny for that matter, are too good looking to not have as customers. You make for better scenery and conversation than that lot over there anyway," she had said at the time, jabbing her thumb towards a group of middle-aged men whose visage suggested they may have never seen better days.

And so Ki Tae, and Lee Wan, and Sunny had kept coming.

Ki Tae walked in the direction of the tables by the window, where Sunny sat, beer in hand, watching a group of college boys a couple of tables down with great interest.

“What’s going on with them?” Ki Tae asked, nodding towards the group.

“They’ve spent the last five minutes trying to decode one of their girlfriend’s text messages. Dramatic reading and all.”

Ki Tae laughed, as he pulled up the menu from the table. He was really hungry, having foregone lunch in favor of finishing up some of the coding work on the game they were working on. It was the weekend, and a drag to be working during it, but they had deadlines and he wanted to meet them. He had gotten so caught up in his work that he had even almost forgotten he was supposed to meet Sunny that day.

“Are they getting anywhere with the ‘decoding’?”

“No,” Sunny huffed, with a grimace. “It is quite clear that the girlfriend feels neglected but he seems to think that spending 1-hour a week with her should be enough.”

“What’s taking up all his time?” Ki Tae asked, raising his hand to call attention to a waiter. He put in his order with them, requesting a burger and a pint of ale before turning his full attention to Sunny.

Sunny rolled her eyes, clearly disapproving. 

“His video game league.”

“Doesn’t seem like much would need to be decoded.”

“It doesn’t—they are just idiots. And one of them is about to be a girlfriend-less idiot because the advice he’s been receiving is criminal.”

“Maybe you should go over there and offer him some decoding help,” Ki Tae said, chuckling. He smiled gratefully at the waiter who swiftly stopped by to place a pint of beer in front of him.

“Nah, he deserves it,” Sunny said with a shrug. “Anyway, enough of them. They were just entertainment until you got here. How are you?”

He clinked his glass against hers, taking a gulp before answering.

“I’m good…great actually.”

“Yeah?” Sunny nodded, a small smile on her lips. She gazed at him knowingly and he blushed in response. “That’s good, Ki Tae.”

“Yeah, yeah,” He said, looking down at the table a moment before gazing back up at her. “Lee Wan and I, we’ve…well…things are going rather well.”

“How so?”

Ki Tae took a breath, then said hastily, “Hecaresformeandshowsit.”

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Sunny asked jokingly and Ki Tae stuck out his tongue at her.

“He cares for me…and he shows it,” he repeated, unable to keep the smile off his face. “We've been talking...a lot. Honest talks. I think...I think he's realized how I felt, at least, he understands more. The abandonment I feel, I mean. So, he's said he is going to make it better. He wants us to work."

“So, what works?”

“We have a shared calendar,” Ki Tae admitted sheepishly. “He makes sure to put information about events and jobs he is attending, especially those that will take him out of the country or away for more than his usual work hours. It’s helpful to know, so I can reference it. So that my head doesn't spin.”

“I’m glad you guys were able to find a solution.”

“Yeah, it's helpful, but honestly it means the world to me that he is so diligent about it. Once he books a job he immediately puts it on the calendar. He even consults it when he is booking things to makes sure he knows my schedule and that we still spend enough time together.”

“Makes you feel cared for,” Sunny said, reciting his words from before.

“Yeah, it does. We…we just go so well together. I love spending time with him. Just reading, playing games, or watching TV, you know? Going out into the city and taking photos. Even if I am utter crap at it," He added with a self-deprecating chuckle. "I even like it when we aren’t doing the same things, but are still just…near each other.”

“You got it bad, huh?”

“I’ve been in love with him for years! Of course I do!”

“Well, where is Mr. Perfect now?”

“Jeju-do. He was contracted to do photography for a couple doing their destination wedding there. Has been gone for a few days now. They wanted photos of other events leading up to the wedding as well.”

“Oh, he’s doing photography professionally too? I thought it was only the paintings.”

“Well he started posting more photographs on his blog and people took notice. So he gets a steady income from both.”

“He’s a great photographer,” Sunny opined. “I’m glad he started taking photos again. He showed me some of his work from when he was younger, and honestly, he has the eye for it. Admittedly, a lot of those photos were of you, but—”

“Oh, shut up.”

“You really didn’t notice he liked you then? Because geez if someone had taken that many photos of me I would at least wonder—”

“I didn’t know!”

“They weren’t even covert or anything! You were looking at the camera half the time! Well…I guess you were always a bit…slow,” she said cheekily.

Ki Tae glared at her, but couldn’t hold it for long. 

He had been feeling good lately. The ache in his chest that had always seemed to linger had dissipated, and instead there was a feeling of airiness in his body.

Lee Wan and him were good together. It had taken some time but Lee Wan was able to speak more directly now about his feelings, hopes, and wants. Ki Tae didn’t have to guess as much, could trust that Lee Wan was not obfuscating or withholding information. He understood that sometimes, for some people, it was hard to just lay out the truth and the facts, especially when it came to messy emotions. Those feelings that left one vulnerable and raw. 

But Lee Wan was trying for him.

And he loved him for it.

—

Ki Tae and Sunny had ended up cruising throughout the streets of Itaewon and bar hopping from place to place. When he arrived home, Ki Tae shrugged off his jacket and shoes at the door and stumbled into his bedroom, happily drunk, and celebrating the fact that the next day was a Sunday. 

His sleep was cut short only a few hours later. He woke up gradually, frowning at the feeling of the bed dipping beside him. His senses were coming alive independently of each other. The heat of another person radiated next to him. The scent of his bath soap, and a hint of something else, something soothing, permeated the air. He cracked an eye open, taking in the broad, muscular back of a man sitting at the edge of the bed. 

He smiled.

“Wan-a,” he murmured.

Lee Wan turned towards him, with worried eyes. “I didn’t mean to wake you!”

Ki Tae shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. You’re home.”

Ki Tae sighed, snuggling up to Lee Wan as he scooted further into the bed. Lee Wan stretched out on his side, wrapping his arms around Ki Tae.

“I managed to get an earlier flight. I wanted to wake up next to you.”

Hearing that warmed Ki Tae, even more so than the alcohol that still coursed through his system. He lifted his head to push his lips against Lee Wan’s. 

A thank you for thinking of him.

Lee Wan responded eagerly, whimpering when Ki Tae moved to drape himself over him. They lay together, trading soft kisses, sighs, and gentle touches. Lee Wan traced a light hand on Ki Tae’s bare back, across his arms and shoulders, causing goose-bumps to prickle up; Ki Tae loved being touched that way, tenderly, as if he was fragile. At times he was.

Ki Tae’s breath hitched when Lee Wan’s hand brushed his bottom, the quick graze zinging through him and awakening a whole other feeling and desire. Having heard his response, Lee Wan grabbed his ass more firmly, massaging the cheeks. Ki Tae moaned, kissing Lee Wan deeper. His hand reached for Lee Wan’s hair, grabbing it firmly to elicit the grunt of approval he knew Lee Wan would give.

He liked when Lee Wan was gentle, however, he liked it just as much when their touches grew more demanding.

Ki Tae moved to sit up, straddling Lee Wan’s lap. One of his hands was on Lee Wan’s chest, supporting him as he leaned over the man, and the other was still entangled in the man’s hair. Lee Wan looked up at him, watching him hungrily and panting as he caught his breath, or perhaps lost it. When they were together like this, he was never sure.

Ki Tae began to move, undulating his hips and enjoying the feeling of Lee Wan’s cock as it pressed against his ass.The hands at his hips tightened. 

“Wan,” Ki Tae gasped out, rocking firmly into Lee Wan. “I need you, Wan-a.”

Lee Wan flipped him over so quickly it took him a second to realize they had changed positions. Lee Wan quickly lay on top of him, aligning their cocks to grind into him. Ki Tae moaned out, clutching at Lee Wan’s back. 

It was hot when Lee Wan’s actions grew decisive; when he took claim of Ki Tae’s body and set out to enjoy him.

“Ki Tae,” Lee Wan gasped out, grounding their cocks together steadily. “I love you.”

Their lips met and clung to each other fiercely. It wasn’t the first time Lee Wan had said it. They had gotten over that hurdle pretty quickly. It had been years—there was no use in delaying what had been and continued to be felt. 

Ki Tae brought a hand to grab at Lee Wan’s hair again and pull him deeper into the kiss. If he could meld them, somehow figure out a way to join them as one, he would have. Instead, he settled for opening his legs more readily and responding to every one of Lee Wan’s movements and sounds, his heart thundering in his chest at it all.

He soon grew close to cuming. His hands scrabbled at Lee Wan’s back and he began to babble.

“Wan-a, please…I feel you, love you…oh, fuck, need you so much, I’m—”

He came hard, vision whiting out. He had gathered Lee Wan up against him, holding him tightly as he rode the wave of his orgasm. Lee Wan’s orgasm hit a second after his, and he dug his teeth into Ki Tae’s neck, sucking and biting through it all. 

It took several moments before Ki Tae could feel his body relax into the post-orgasm haze. Lee Wan had already begun to move, dropping small kisses all over his face and body, causing Ki Tae to greedily provide access to more parts of him.

Lee Wan finally came up and planted a kiss on his lips.

Ki Tae couldn’t remember ever being so content in his life. He had his chosen career, a wonderful friend who he had just spent an evening being ridiculous with, and a boyfriend, finally, a boyfriend who missed him and looked forward to seeing him just as Ki Tae did him.

The thought seized him as he deepened their kiss, slipping his tongue into Lee Wan’s mouth again. 

He was happy.