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Chapter Text

There's no one else in this world who makes Kunikida Doppo break his rules more than Dazai Osamu.

And now it's probably worse than ever.

*

It starts during a mission, which requires staying in a fancy hotel in a different city to gather information from some shady business meeting. Everything goes pretty well. They talk with the people they need, they get what they wanted. It would be almost too smooth like that, though, wouldn't it? There's a moment when Kunikida thinks their identities are about to be discovered and the mission is going to turn into something ugly. Somehow, he and Dazai get the situation handled, thanks to a – mostly Dazai's – plan. Yet, it leaves this feeling of stress and anxiety buzzing in Kunikida for the rest of the night.

And now he lost Dazai. Although lost may not be the right word. Bastard probably ran off somewhere, for shits and giggles. Still, Kunikida is worried, emotions from earlier haven't left him yet.

He makes his way through the halls of the hotel, cursing Dazai's name under his breath. He just wants this mission to be over so he can can go home, back to normal.

At last, Kunikida finds Dazai without even expecting it. He immediately stops in his tracks looking at the man who made him worry so much – and for what?

He is sitting at a bar, relaxed with a grin on his face, chatting, or rather flirting, with an unknown woman. Kunikida feels frustration growing under his skin as he quickly walks up to the bar.

"What the hell are you doing?" 

Dazai turns to him, his face lighting up in this specific way Kunikida knows means trouble.  "Kunikida! I was just talking to this beautiful lady and–"

"You can't just leave like that without saying anything."

"Oooh, were you worried?" Kunikida's expression is unimpressed, not having the energy to deal with Dazai anymore. "Anyway, you should relax, you know? The job is over, have some fun." Dazai pats his arm.

Kunikida is tired, frustrated and so done at this point. He notices the drink next to Dazai, takes it and downs it in one go, not caring what the lady might think. He has had enough for today to give a fuck.

"The train leaves tomorrow at six. If you're not there, I don't care, I'm leaving you here" he announces sternly, then apologise to the woman for the interruption and turns on his heels to leave. Kunikida hears Dazai muttering something about how cruel he is, but whatever.

He gets to the elevator and leans against a wall, sighing. Just before the doors close, someone else burges in. Kunikida sighs again.

"What? I'm just being professional and obedient like you wanted." Dazai looks at him innocently. The glint in his eyes makes Kunikida think this man has to have another motive. He always does.

"Or maybe you were hoping I would miss the train and stay here?" he teases, getting closer to Kunikida and nudging his arm.

Kunikida huffs. "I should've have made sure that would happen."

It's annoying, yet this banter with Dazai is oddly familiar, something he's so used to, he doesn't know how he would operate without it.

"Traitor."

Kunikida suppreses a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. No, Dazai doesn't deserve it, not tonight. He disrupted his schedule so much Kunikida is already behind it, still having some things to do before going to bed. He clicks his tounge impatiently, revising the plans in his head, frustrated once again.

Dazai, on the other hand, is grinning carefreely, treating the whole day like vacation. He's chattering about the woman from the bar, describing his love conquests. Kunikida stays silent, trying not to show his displeasure. He isn't really in the mood to be listening all of this. As soon as the elevator doors open, he gets out and marches in direction of their rooms. He doesn't bother waiting for Dazai, hearing his steps as the man catches up.

Kunikida knows Dazai is close to him when he gets to the door. It's quiet in the corridor, no one except them outside. Kunikida takes out the keys and starts fumbling with the lock, when he feels a hand on his lower back.

"You seem pretty tensed" he hears. Kunikida stops in his tracks, startled, but trying not to show it.

"I wonder whose fault is that" he says dryly. The hand slides tantalizingly slow causing something in Kunikida's stomach to shift, up to his shoulder. Then it gently pushes and turns him around so Kunikida's back is against the door and his face in front of Dazai's.

"Then maybe I should help you with it." His gaze is piercing right through Kunikida.

"What do you mean?" Kunikida asks, naively hoping to keep some composure.

Dazai tilts his head to the side, not smirking, not laughing, not making a joke out of this. "You know very well what I mean."

And the worst thing is, he's telling the truth. There's a proposition in his brown eyes, a suggestion, which, if Kunikida's totally honest with himself, he is isn't seeing for the first time. He understands it already. However, this time it doesn't feel like something completely irrational, something out of possible outcomes. Now it seems so easy to just grab, to take, and that's what scares Kunikida so much he has to restrain himself from making stupid moves.

"Weren't you just telling me about seducing the woman at the bar?" Kunikida retorts, arching his brow, hoping to keep his face blank. His words aren't exactly a rejection, though, are they? No, these words mean consideration, these words mean he is thinking about it. These words are a confession of sorts.

He should've said something else.

Dazai chuckles, a low, dark sound. He's too close, Kunikida can feel his breath on his face. "Apparently in the end, I'm loyal to you" he lowers his voice to a husky whisper, while straightening the collar od Kunikida's shirt, fingers grazing the skin on his neck seemingly on accident. Kunikida knows Dazai too well to be fooled, to not know just how precise his every move is. He's also aware that Dazai is a much better liar than anyone Kunikida has ever met. And that most probably, he is using this skill right now.

It's just a game. A stupid, rigged game. And they are both going to lose, Kunikida can feel it.

Dazai leans even closer, because Kunikida lets him, doesn't push him away, doesn't even move, feeling the last ounce of strength to do what's right leaving his body. They are both staring at each other with anticipation, awaiting their sentence. 

"C'mon, don't you want to blow off some steam?" Dazai purrs into Kunikida's ear.

Kunikida is a weak, weak man.

Not even a second later, he is tasting the remains of the bitter drink Dazai had earlier on Dazai's lips. The other man hums encouragingly, doesn't even pretend to be surprised by this situation ending exactly how he planned. He presses their chests flush, deepens the kiss. Kunikida suspects Dazai must feel how his heart is hammering. He doesn't know what to do about it yet, his world is spinning, he thinks he's going to fall. He needs some control back, at least for a show, pretend he's ever had it.

Kunikida pulls back and finally reminds himself that they're still in the corridor, no one else in sight thankfully. Dazai doesn't seem to care. He looks at Kunikida with too many secrets in his eyes, too many hidden motives. But there's only one Kunikida needs to worry about tonight.

Dazai licks his lips, looking like he's about to say something. Kunikida doesn't let him. He pushes the man through the door to their room, grabbing him by the collar and then he is the one pressing Dazai against the nearest wall.

Even in the dark, Kunikida notices a mischievous glint in Dazai's eyes, although he can't figure it out. Is it mischief, is it desire, is it purely satisfaction that he is the one who got to break the idealist in such a heinous way?

There are no good answers to these questions, at least not any Kunikida would be able to come up with. He's still not sure what's happening, what it's supposed to mean, he doesn't know anything, except–

"This is nothing" Kunikida says, cursing the fact that his voice is raspy already. But he has to make some things clear. This is wrong, this is so wrong, his mind tries to tell him. But his body seems to think otherwise.

"Of course" Dazai agrees immediately. Nothing in his expression changes, it's still an unreadable mystery to Kunikida. He shouldn't even bother with trying to solve it.

"We will never tell anyone about this" Kunikida continues, looking at Dazai sternly, needing to know he understands how much he means every word.

"Sure thing." Dazai nods.

"We will forget about it." Kunikida isn't sure who he's convincing at this point. Still, Dazai is patient, waiting for his every move, for his decision. You already won, Kunikida wants to tell him.

"This won't happen again" he says finally. He thinks something flashes in Dazai's eyes, something different than what it was a second ago. It's gone in a moment though, it might have as well been the lack of light confusing Kunikida.

There's no confusion in the smirk that shows on Dazai's face. He reaches with his hand to twirl a strand of Kunikida's hair around his finger. Kunikida can't beat the haunting feeling that Dazai could play with him just as carefreely.

"Whatever you want" Dazai whispers. 

That's all they need. Kunikida's lips are on Dazai's in a second, his brain fogged up, refusing to work properly. Kunikida wraps his arms around Dazai's waist, holding him close as he deepens the kiss which makes Dazai gasp and push his hands through Kunikida's hair, pulling it just enough to suggests he should just give in totally, lose all the restraints. Something deep inside Kunikida is screaming faintly, telling him to stop, but he knows he can't, that's not what he wants.

So, Kunikida doesn't stop when Dazai starts unbuckling his belt, moving his lips to his throat, bringing shameless gasps and moans out of him. When they eventually stumble towards the bed, Kunikida thinks, for the last time this night, that this is wrong.

But how can something wrong feel so good?

*

Kunikida wakes up alone and with so many mixed feelings to fight, but there's too much of them for right now. What strikes him is that he's completely alone and when he finally finds Dazai it's in the hotel hall, he's already dressed and ready to leave. The man grins at him in his usual way, teasing Kunikida about almost oversleeping.

So that's how it's gonna go for real, huh. Kunikida is aware that technically it was him who requested they won't even bring this whole thing up, but somehow it doesn't feel right. He feels something itching under his skin as they take their places on the train, pretending that they aren't actively avoiding looking at each other. It's also quiet. Too quiet. It's not like they are always constantly talking, but this silence between them isn't the comforting, familiar one. This one is full of everything unsaid, everything they are now refusing to acknowledge.

Kunikida feels sick. It was a bad decision, he knew it, yet everytime he felt Dazai's touch on his skin, he just couldn't hold himself back. Now he has to live with the consequences.

When they're back at work, Dazai acts normal. He doesn't tell anyone, at least to Kunikida's knowledge. Although the truth is, he just really trusts Dazai. Apart from that, Dazai doesn't make any teasing comments, any hints. It's as if nothing has ever happened. Just like it was meant to be.

But it did happen and Kunikida is the one who can't follow his own rules – he can't forget. Every time he looks at Dazai and sees his eyes, he gets reminded how these eyes were looking up at him, glimmering with want and pleasure. Every time he hears Dazai speak, he remembers how he sounded while he was letting out those sweet sounds. Every time he accidentally touches the man, he can almost feel how his hands were clutching at his back, combing through his hair.

No, Kunikida can't forget. He doubts he will ever be able to. This is what he gets for not living up to his ideals. This is what he gets for taking what he shouldn't have. 

The worst thing is, that despite all of this growing inside him, unable to control, to understand, Kunikida still wants more.

*

Kunikida doesn't fool himself that he's good at reading Dazai. Still, he feels he is better at it than many people. Which doesn't really mean anything, though.

However, he notices slight changes in Dazai's behavior. He notices his lingering profound gaze, he notices it more often than before. He notices his eyes are hiding something else now, another secret, one that he only partly shares with Kunikida.

It was supposed to be nothing, they were supposed to go back to normal, yet when they're back at work it seems anything but. Kunikida avoids Dazai and feels that Dazai is avoiding him, too. And whenever they're both in the same room Kunikida quickly loses his focus, his eyes moving in Dazai's direction, bringing back memories that were meant to be forgotten and hidden. 

Kunikida tells himself it's going to pass, that be needs to pull himself together. He tries to do so for one day, then another, then he notices Dazai's eyes piercing through him, with this questioning gaze. It gets too much. Kunikida needs...

He doesn't know what exactly he needs, maybe some kind of assurance that it was real and that it's really over, some kind of closure. Maybe that's why he finally braces himself and walks up to Dazai's desk.

"We should talk" he says. Dazai looks up at him raising his brows expectantly. Kunikida clears his throat. "After work. You can come to my place."

Dazai nods and it's over. They both go back to their own things.

Kunikida feels heavy weight on his shoulders as he waits for this day to end. His mind is full of conflicted thoughts, of worries and wonderings if he made the right decision. But then times passes and he hears knocking, his door opening. Suddenly there's no more time to think because Dazai is already in, dropping his coat on the couch where Kunikida's sitting and crossing his arms on his chest.

"Well?"

Kunikida clears his throat. If he ever had a plan or at least some courage, he definitely loses it right now. 

"We shouldn't have done that" is what he decides to say.

Dazai is silent for a second as if he's making sure he heard it right. He shakes his head with a quiet sigh, almost disappointed. "Really? That's what you wanted to talk about?"

Kunikida gets up. "I just wanted to make that clear because I can see we're both not acting normal."

"You were the one who said it would be nothing and now you're making a fuss about it" Dazai retorts raising a single brow. Kunikida presses his mouth into a thin line, words failing him completely. Because what is he supposed to say? That this is wrong, so unlike his ideals and yet he can't stop thinking about it?

Maybe Dazai knows. Hell, he definitely knows, Kunikida's sure when he sees this glint in his eyes.

"Or maybe you just want more?" Dazai tilts his head taking a step closer to Kunikida.

Kunikida's breath hitches but he doesn't move, unable to. "We shouldn't, Dazai."

Dazai walks even closer. Kunikida moves back but doesn't run away, doesn't step aside when his back hits the wall. 

"I'm not asking what we should or shouldn't do" Dazai says, his voice lower. He leans into Kunikida's space because Kunikida lets him. Dazai notices it for sure, looking him up and down slowly, carefully, until his gaze lands on Kunikida's face.

"I'm asking what do you want."

Kunikida licks his lips trying to quiet down all the noise in his head. What he wants? It's not that simple and the answer to it is full of doubt and conflict.

Yet somehow, when he looks in Dazai's eyes in that one moment it seems simple. Easy. Obvious.

The corner of Dazai's lips lifts in a small smirk. He knows. The devil always knows. 

One of his hands moves to Kunikida's side, the other lands on the wall next to Kunikida's head. Kunikida feels trapped but he knows it's his own choice. He can get out anytime he wants. But that's the problem, isn't it?

Dazai leans closer, his lips move up Kunikida's throat until they're right next to his ear. Kunikida inhales sharply in anticipation. 

"I won't do anything you won't ask me to" Dazai whispers and just like that Kunikida ignores all the questions and worries, decides to shut them up the same moment he moves his lips to meet Dazai's in a brutal kiss.

Admittely, Dazai is true to his words – he does everything Kunikida asks him, almost begs him to. He gives and keeps giving, in such a divine way Kunikida can't get enough.

The only thing he doesn't do is staying. But to tell the truth, Kunikida doesn't ask him to.

*

They make a deal. A pretty simple logical deal – if any of them needs to blow off some steam in this particular way, then let it be. It's going to last until they say they're done, which is honestly a pretty unclear term.

This is still nothing more, obviously. They agree on keeping it private, in their bedrooms. Apart from this one detail, their relationship isn't going to change.

After a short conversation about conditions, Kunikida feels a bit calmer. Or maybe more at peace with himself. He will be able to get rid of this specific buzzing under his skin from time to time and won't have to regret it or avoid Dazai for the following few days. Because they're going to act like nothing happened anyway, both aware of what they chose.

The thing that itches Kunikida like a torn in his side is how far from his ideals this whole arrangament is. It doesn't resemble how his life should look in the slightest. It makes him feel like a failure, unable to live up to his own expectations. But at the same time he knows he's just a human. And like any other human he needs, he wants.

It's a poor excuse and Kunikida's aware of that. But he promised himself it will only be temporary, he will stop this soon, go back on the right path and forget about this.

Because in the end it's really nothing.

*

A stack of documents lands on Dazai's desk with a quiet thud, enough to wake him up from the nap he was taking.

"These" Kunikida says when Dazai's gaze finally focuses on him "are meant to be finished by the end of the week."

He expects groaning, pouting and making excuses – all the usual stuff. Kunikida is even ready to nag Dazai about how he wouldn't have so much work if he did it regularly. Just as he opens his mouth to say this, Dazai leans back in his chair and lifts his chin, a challenge in his eyes.

"I will have them done today. All of them" he announces, locking his gaze with Kunikida's. "If I get something for it."

Kunikida is too stunned to remind Dazai that this is literally his job which he is getting paid for. Instead, he tilts his head to the side, observing Dazai carefully weighing if it's worth getting tangled up in his game.

"Like what, for example?" The second he asks, Dazai's eyes lit up.

The man shrugs nochalantly. A smug smirk appears on his mouth. "I don't know. You can choose."

Dazai isn't exactly an open book and it's not clear what he has in mind. Kunikida watches him trying to guess. The first thought would be– well, something Kunikida decides not to indulge him with, because of the smug expression. But that would be too predictable anyway, wouldn't it? No, Dazai is testing him.

That's why Kunikida sighs and says the second thing that comes to mind. "I'll buy you dinner."

Dazai's eyes sparkle not with surprise but something similar. "And you're eating with me?"

Kunikida lifts a brow, then shrugs. "I guess."

A wide grin spreads on Dazai's face. He sits up, takes the first file, winks at Kunikida and without any other word, starts working.

Kunikida watches it for a moment, too confused to move until he decides to get back to his own work, wondering shortly what he has gotten himself into.

Surprisingly, Dazai actually finishes all of the reports. Kunikida doesn't even know what to say, when Dazai hands the files, with a smug expression on his face.

The deal is the deal. At the end of the day they're both too tired to go out and eat somewhere in a restaurant, so they decide to get take out on their way to Kunikida's dorm.

Once inside, when Dazai plops down on the couch and starts eating, it hits Kunikida how strange all of it suddenly seems – Dazai fully clothed on his couch not pulling Kunikida down for a bruising kiss, both of them talking all the way here about latest cases or any other thing, just being around each other.

And then it hits Kunikida again that this shouldn't feel weird. Because that's how it was before everything, before the arrangament. Because this is who they are – coworkers that somehow turned into surprisingly well fitting friends. Partners.

"You know this is getting cold?" Dazai's mumbling – without stopping eating – gets Kunikida out of his thoughts. He sits next to Dazai.

"Do you have to talk with your mouth full?" he sighs, taking his own portion.

"It could be full of something else if you'd like" Dazai retorts immediately. Kunikida almost chokes, then glares at Dazai who only laughs loudly in response.

This part is new, well, kind of. At the same time it's still incredibly familiar, just another dose of Dazai's never ending teasing. And it's not like his comments weren't suggestive before. Yet now it just feels more...

Kunikida tell his mind to shut up, instead focusing on Dazai's rambling. It's different, of course it's different. But it's not a reason to make it weird.

The night goes as many others before – Dazai picks a movie for them to watch even if they talk through a half of it (Kunikida refuses to admit he likes Dazai's comments). Through the other half Kunikida starts noticing the signs of Dazai's tiredness, how his eyelids fall close more and more often, how he keeps swaying to the side unconsciouly. Finally Kunikida feels Dazai's body pressed against his, his head resting on Kunikida's shoulder and a second later the only thing he can hear is the quiet even breath.

It's not new. It's not unusual. Right, Dazai isn't always very keen on physical touch and closeness of another human being, yet at times he can be quite clingy. Seeing him like this isn't exactly shocking.

But Kunikida stills for a moment, bewildered. That's what feels strange – the fact that the familiar and well-known things cause Kunikida to react like this, even if just for a second. 

He needs to pull himself together and stick to the deal. If he said it's not going to affect their relationship, then he needs to make sure it's true. Because Kunikida has to admit a part of him is terrified of what could happen if he's not able to.

*

It's easier now because Kunikida doesn't have to wonder what kind of games Dazai wants to play when he finds the bandaged nuisance in his dorm. It's easier because he doesn't have to restrain himself and pretend he's a better man than he actually is, whenever he knocks on Dazai's door.

It's easier because now it's just lips pressed in heated kisses, warm skin, limbs tangled together, quiet breathy gasps and loud moans.

It's easier because they never have to wake up next to each other, one always leaves early enough. 

It's easier because they both know what they're doing, there's not any room for doubt or questions, there's no need for puzzled glances at work.

It's easy, isn't it?

*

When Dazai doesn't appear at work on time, it's not surprising at all. Kunikida decides to call him after a few hours when it seems as more than just usual oversleeping. Dazai responds, thankfully, and says he's sick. And that's it.

He begins to worry when Dazai still isn't at the Agency the next day. Perhaps Kunikida shouldn't be so concerned, after all if Dazai is ill, it's best he stays at home. 

On his way to the dorms, Kunikida decides to get some food for Dazai because he knows the bastard isn't eating well, most probably. When he finally knocks on Dazai's door, his heart is hammering. A sigh of relief comes out of Kunikida's mouth, seeing Dazai a few moments later.

Relief quickly turns into something much more dreading as Kunikida examines Dazai's state. The man in front of him looks... exhausted. Sick, but not how most people would expect. Kunikida knows this look quite well, unfortunately.

"I brought this for you" he says, standing still, unsure what to do. Dazai takes the bag, mumbling "thanks" and immediately shuts the door in front of Kunikida's face.

Kunikida stands there for a moment until he sighs quietly and goes back to his own dorm.

He knows he won't get through to Dazai today. Or maybe he's just too afraid of failing if he dares to try. Nevertheless, when he goes to sleep the only thing on his mind is if he could ever be able to help Dazai feel fine.

The next day Dazai comes back, thankfully. Kunikida notices the dark circles under his eyes, the slouched posture, the void in his gaze. But he doesn't say anything as Dazai tries to act normal around Atsushi, throwing teasing comments around, perhaps not noticing his younger coworker's worry.

Dazai doesn't try so hard with Kunikida. When they're out for a case he's quiet, unless it's something case-related. He keeps losing focus which is disturbing and most of the time his gaze is fixed on something unshaped in the distance.

It's when they're walking back in silence which is just too silent, Kunikida has enough. He grabs Dazai's bandaged wrist to pull him into a quiet alley. Dazai pulls his hand away and leans against a brick wall, lifting a single brow, demanding an explanation.

Kunikida lets out a deep breath. "I can see something's wrong, Dazai. Do you need anything?"

He can almost see the gears working in Dazai's mind as he processes the question but it's just a moment. In the next second Kunikida is pulled by a strong hand on his arm and his lips are seared in a bruising kiss. He gives in, only for a second, not understanding what's happening. However, when he feels Dazai pulling his lower lip between his teeth, he finally realises. He shakes his head getting out of Dazai's grasp.

"That's not what I..." Kunikida tries but words keep failing him. Dazai's expression is blant, emotionless, hard to say if it's a mask or his real face.

"It's just... If you need help or anything, let me know" Kunikida tries again because Dazai still hasn't said anything and it's getting hard to remain still under his gaze. "It's obvious you're not doing well–" Kunikida unconsciously lifts up his hand – to what? Hold Dazai's face or his hand gently, tell him it's okay?

Whatever it might be, Dazai grabs his wrist, keeping Kunikida's hand between them. Something cold flashes in his eyes almost making Kunikida shiver.

"Just because we're hooking up, it doesn't mean you're my damn babysitter" Dazai hisses through his teeth. Kunikida puts all of strength into not moving an inch, not wincing, not showing his hurt at the sudden harshness.

Kunikida stops himself before he snaps back that he was babysitting Dazai long before this started. But he's not in a mood to fight. Instead, he lets Dazai go, the man doesn't look back even once, while Kunikida stays in his place, struggling to accept that there's no way he could ever win a fight like this, that there's no way he wouldn't be a failure.

It's much later, middle of the night, when Kunikida hears knocking on his door and somehow already knows what it means. He opens and lets Dazai in, without any word spoken between them. There's a question in his partner's eyes, something else, too, a confession or a request perhaps. In response, Kunikida just nods and lets himself be pressed against the wall, lips burning in a brutal kiss, his head spinning.

Perhaps this is Dazai's way of apologising. Or, more probably, he's just doing whatever the hell he wants.

And perhaps this is Kunikida's way of showing that he's here anyway. That he's going to give as long as Dazai takes.

*

It wouldn't be enough to say this isn't Kunikida's best day as he downs another glass of whiskey hoping that the alcohol burning down his throat will somehow numb everything else.

Rubbing a hand over his face he lets out a deep breath. It's pitiful to be honest. Yet, at the same time he's aware that even though right now he feels like he's going to lay down crumbling, and never get up, tomorrow Kunikida will wake up despite the terrible headache and stick to his schedule as usual.

Because that's how it always goes.

He hears someone knocking on the door but doesn't care to get up from his couch. Soon the lock is being picked and that's enough to guess who the mysterious intruder is.

When Dazai finally walks into the line of Kunikida's gaze, his hands are in the pockets of his pants, eyes locked on the sight in front of him. Despite the fact that they've both seen each other in far worse state, Kunikida still feels a sudden urge to hide, to make up an excuse.

Nevertheless, he looks back at Dazai. There's a small cut on his chin and a bruise under his eyes reminding Kunikida of the unfortunate events of the day. He frowns, sighing deeply.

Dazai notices this because Dazai notices almost everything. It makes Kunikida wonder anxiously if perhaps he notices even more thank Kunikida is aware.

"Do you want to talk about this?" Dazai finally asks, gesturing vaguely at Kunikida.

Kunikida isn't surprised by the question as he already knows this farce and his role in it. Maybe in a different setting, on a different stage, the play would somehow change.

Not tonight though.

Kunikida snorts humorlessly. "Do I look like I wanna talk about it?"

"No." Something flashes on Dazai's face, then a crooked smile appears on his lips as his knees hit the couch beside Kunikida. "Thank god no."

Maybe Kunikida should feel disappointed at this. Maybe he should pay more attention to this strange thing that shatters Dazai's face for a mere second. However, soon enough Dazai is hovering over him, holding Kunikida firm and steady, breaking him with his touch and rebuilding over again. And Kunikida lets him do all of this, pleading for more, lets Dazai whisper sweet nothings and praise Kunikida despite having done nothing to be worth praising. But just for a moment, Kunikida lets himself believe in it.

*

They are friends. It wasn't like that from the beginning but with time Kunikida got to know some of Dazai's layers, found out Dazai is more than just a nuisance. Much more. Despite all the teasing and the differences between them, Kunikida couldn't imagine a better partner. Someone who would work with him as efficiently, who would understand him so easily, someone who Kunikida would trust so much.

Kunikida would lie if he said their relationship revolves only about work, if he didn't admit he also enjoys spending free time with Dazai, going on walks together or eating out.

So, they're friends. And they're still friends when Dazai wraps his legs around Kunikida to pull him closer, when he whispers breathy praises into his ear, when Kunikida leaves marks and bruises on the inside of Dazai's thighs, when he lets out another needy moan at his hair being pulled 

They're still friends when each of them wakes up alone. They're still friends the next day at work, allowing themselves only one meaningful glance, then going back to normal.

Friends with benefits – wasn't that the term? Kunikida isn't particularly fond of it, if he's honest, but at least it's some kind of assurance that maybe nothing has to change.

Not that he would want it to.

*

Kunikida is woken up by feeling light tugging at his hair. He slowly opens his eyes, his neck and back sore. It takes him a minute to recognize his surroundings. He immediately sits up straight, rubbing a hand over his face, tryb to really wake up.

"Shh, don't move so sudden, you'll mess it up" he hears.

Oh no. The one time Kunikida accidently falls asleep at work and of course Dazai is present and messing with him.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asks. Dazai's head comes into his view, peering over his shoulder.

"Well, well, who would've thought we would see Kunikida nap during worktime?" he teases, a smirk on his lips.

"Shut up. Why didn't you just wake me up?"

Dazai glances sideways, gaze unreadable, just for a second. "Now, why would I do that when you're clearly so tired?"

Kunikida presses his mouth into a thin line, deciding that he isn't going to win this fight anyway and admittely he is too tired to try.

"Just sit still for a moment" Dazai mutters and disappears from Kunikida's view. Another second, another light tug. Kunikida furrows his brows, more confused than worried by Dazai's actions. Soon, Dazai announces "Here, it's done."

Kunikida blinks a few times and slowly moves his hands to his hair. It's... braided? Is that why Dazai didn't wake him? So he could see how much he can mess with him?

"It doesn't look too bad" he hears and sees Atsushi watching them with attention. The boy tilts his head, watching carefully ."Actually, it's pretty nice."

Dazai stands next to Atsushi to admire his work from distance, a smug expression on his face. "What can I say, I have magical hands."

Kunikida feels his face heating up and isn't sure if it's because of falling asleep during work, Dazai and Atsushi witnessing it or because of Dazai's teasing comment and the wink he sends his way.

He sighs and rubs his eyes, done with Dazai's bullshit. "Just get back to work, Dazai."

"Yes, yes, in a second." the man walks past him patting his arm. "But first I'm getting some coffee so you don't nap on the rest of the reports."

And just like that Dazai's gone, leaving Kunikida staring in his direction. Even though the thought of getting coffee did cross Kunikida's mind, Dazai's offer seems surprising. Perhaps it's just an excuse to avoid more work or to flirt with the waitress. 

However, even if it is just Dazai messing with him, Kunikida suddenly realises that something warm and nice starts spreading inside his chest.

*

It's a slow day in the Agency when Kunikida walks by the break room, catching snippets of a conversation.

"I mean everybody has their flaws, some of them just aren't visible at first sight" Tanizaki says.

"Exactly" Dazai's voice joins and something in it pulls Kunikida closer. He leans against the break room's doors frame, remaining unnoticed. "I mean, look at Kunikida."

Kunikida furrows his brows at the sound of his name slipping out of Dazai's mouth. Maybe he should end this right here but his curious side wins once again.

"Such a hard-working, handsome and responsible guy and yet still alone."

"Maybe he just doesn't want–" Naomi tries to add, supported by an eager nod from Atsushi.

Dazai waves his hand dismissively. "Nah. I bet it's something else. He's a bad kisser probably."

Kunikida rolls his eyes before clearing his throat loud enough to make his presence known. He feels his face heat up, hopefully not too evident, yet it's not exactly embarrasment. He's sure of it when he catches Dazai's startled gaze – at least at first it seems startled. Unless Kunikida imagined it, there's a specific glint in his eyes, a sparkle.

It's gone in a second, Dazai's usual playful grin appears on his face, hiding his surprise. The rest of the group is quiet, looking at them with wide eyes full of anticipation.

"Kunikida, my dear partner, you wouldn't believe who we were just talking about–" Dazai starts his well-known foolery as a way to get out of trouble. Kunikida shoots him an unimpressed look.

"Instead of gossipping, you should finish your reports. Now" he adds firmly when Dazai just mindlessly nods.

"Yes, of course, whatever you say." Dazai raises his hands pliantly.

"You better learn to spend your time more efficiently than talking about your coworkers" Kunikida says looking at Dazai solely, despite everyone else still being in the room. "You waste enough time already."

"Right as always." Dazai looks back and smirks. Kunikida glares daggers at him and leaves to do his own work, to do anything in order not to strangle Dazai now and there. Obviously words didn't impress that bastard at all.

Obviously. So maybe there's something else he should use.

Kunikida is walking down the empty corridor when Dazai appears beside him.

"All of the reports done" he announces, his arms crossed behind his neck, making him look like he couldn't care less. After a moment when Kunikida doesn't say anything, doesn't even spare him a glance, Dazai folds. "Okay, almost all of them. Most of them. Almost most of them. It's still a lot. Are you proud of–"

He would probably keep going with this if Kunikida didn't catch his wrist and pull him into a closet nearby. Inside it's dark, so Kunikida pulls Dazai close enough to see him as well as possible. It's not like he has a lot of choice, anyway. It's tight. Very tight.

Dazai doesn't seem to mind. His lips curl into that devious little smirk as he leans even closer.

"Oh, is this my prize?" His lips meet Kunikida's throat, leaving small kisses while travelling upwards. "How considerate" he chuckles deeply, a sound that often makes Kunikida break incredibly fast. Right now though, he stands unaffected. Dazai's lips are on his jaw, getting closer and closer to finally meet his in an anticipated kiss.

Kunikida moves his hand gently to Dazai's cheek, caressing it softly, watching the man close his eyes. Then he grips Dazai's chin firmly, but not too much, holding it a few inches away from his face, stopping Dazai from kissing him in the last second.

Dazai furrows his brows with confusion. He looks up at Kunikida, pouting like the brat he is, as if he deserved to make complaints.

Kunikida tilts his head, observing Dazai with an unimpressed look, lifting his brow. "A bad kisser, huh?"

Dazai's eyes widen for a second before he realises. "That's what this is about? C'mon it's nothing, just some stupid joke. You know I was just talking."

Kunikida leans closer to press his mouth right next to Dazai's ear as he speaks. "I know you were," he says, voice low but even, almost like he couldn't care less about this "because I can remember how you were begging for it last time."

He hears Dazai gasp and it almost makes Kunikida's head spin. A thought crosses his mind, that it's probably not that stupid to assume Dazai somehow planned all of this and got exactly what he wanted. But even if Kunikida is just a pawn in Dazai's game, the look on the other man's face is worth it.

Dazai swallows, staring right into Kunikida, looking for clues. "Do you want me to beg now?" he asks. Kunikida has to fight with every inch of his sanity to remain unphased. He keeps looking at Dazai without a word, his thumb slowly running circles into his skin. Dazai's eyes close for a second. He looks like a painting with this dazed expression, slightly parted lips.

"No, you don't want that" he decides. The brown eyes are back on Kunikida's face as enchanting as always. "You want me to apologise."

Kunikida hums. Something in his chest flutters. "Only if you understand your mistake."

"I definitely do." Dazai starts regaining some of his familiar smugness as his smirk returns on his face, surprised and proud at the same time of the way he made Kunikida act.

Dazai's hands move to Kunikida's sides, sliding up and down teasingly before stopping at his waist. Kunikida's breath almost hitches, watching Dazai lick his lips, slowly moving down, kneeling before him.

"And I will make it up to you." Dazai looks up at him from under his eyelashes and while there's still the undeniable smugness and tease behind it, he seems also unbelievably pliant, trying to be good for once. For him, for Kunikida.

Kunikida leans his head against the wall behind him, letting out a deep breath, letting his reasonable side list all doubts and worries for a second.

This is wrong, wrong at its core – no matter how good it feels to have Dazai so obedient before him, to have him smile in this disarming way as his hands move towards Kunikida's belt. It shouldn't be happening, definitely not during their worktime, definitely not with Dazai, definitely not in these conditions. It's so unlike everything Kunikida thought he wanted to live up to.

But the truth is, he's just not able to right now – neither to live up to said ideals, nor to let this go. The pleasure can at least mute the thoughts about constantly failing.

So Kunikida lets it do exactly this, ignoring his reason, as he pushes his hand through Dazai's soft hair.

*

They are driving away from the building on the edge of the town they were meant to investigate. Apart from few unclear leads they didn't really found anything. Kunikida grips the wheel tighter, letting out a deep breath.

They've been driving for a little over fifteen minutes now and they're still on an almost empty road surrounded by empty buildings and forest. At first it was just like usual – Dazai's relentless chatter, going through literally all of the radio stations until it started losing signal. But now it's quiet. Suspiciously quiet.

Kunikida tries not to take his gaze off the road however, the feeling of Dazai's eyes on him makes something under his sking itch. He wants to ignore it, to just get back to the Agency and back to work and there's definitely enough of it to keep his mind busy. It shouldn't be too hard, right? Well, that's the thing. It's disturbing that Kunikida even has to think about it, that he has to convince himself not to look at Dazai.

He glances sideways. Once. It's enough to catch the sight of these brown eyes piercing through him. 

Sometimes Kunikida wonders why he even tries to fight this bastard. Yet, at the same time he knows he can't just give up like that, forgetting everything he worked so hard for. He can't just–

He looks at Dazai again. Dazai looks back.

Kunikida sighs. He can give in from time to time. Another thing is that it becomes more and more often, but it doesn't mean he lost. Right?

"What's going on?" he asks, noticing the triumphant glint in Dazai's eyes. 

"The case got you pretty frustrated, huh?" Dazai says.

Kunikida frowns. "Well, unlike some people I care about my work" he says, looking meaningly at his partner.

"Hey, I care too. You wound me." Dazai shakes his head, putting a hand on his chest dramatically.

"I'd hope so" Kunikida says dryly. He hears Dazai chuckle and even though he still feels this weird tension, he thinks that maybe he got the wrong idea, that maybe this will be nothing else than their usual bickering. 

And yet, these haunting eyes are still watching him carefully.

"You're staring" Kunikida murmurs, glancing at Dazai. He sees Dazai grin and perhaps that's what he needs – a teasing answer that will just hang in the air while Kunikida rolls his eyes. And that will be it. It will be something Kunikida is used to, something he secretly likes, and nothing more will grow out of this–

"You look really pretty today" is what Dazai says.

The worst thing is how genuine this sounds. How genuine Dazai's smile seems. The worst thing is that Kunikida's heart skips a bit.

"What do you want?" he asks, voice stern yet quiet. He's lost because once again Dazai isn't giving him any clear clues.

"You should ask yourself that."

"Drop it, I'm not in the mood for your games."

"Oh, I think you're exactly in the mood." And suddenly there's a hand on Kunikida's shoulder, sliding up to the back of his neck, and Kunikida doesn't shake it off, just secures his grip on the wheel.

Yes, they haven't really been close with each other for the last few days. Yes, they have been busy with so much work it makes them both frustrated. But these are just excuses and lately Kunikida is letting excuses lead him more than it's acceptable.

But there's an itch under his skin, too notorious to ignore, too annoying to get rid off on his own. What's even worse, is that deep down, Kunikida doesn't even want to ignore it, not when it comes to Dazai.

He stops himself from cursing under his breath as he turns to park the car on the road between trees. It's quiet, no one in sight. Kunikida takes a deep breath and turns to Dazai.

"Why do you do this, Dazai?" He's not really sure what he means with this question. Everything. Nothing specific. Anything. He's not even sure if he wants an honest answer, if he wants what might come with it.

Dazai tilts his head, his eyes looking at Kunikida with curiosity, looking through him. "Why did you pull over, Kunikida?"

The answer isn't expected nor needed. They just stare at each other as if it was some kind of competition, as if they were waiting to see which one is going to fall first. As if they haven't fallen together.

Kunikida hears a soft click of a seatbelt being unbuckled. He does the same, never taking his eyes off Dazai, almost like it would mean giving up. 

Dazai's fingers are still on the back of his neck, moving tantalizingly, in such way that Kunikida subconsciously leans into the touch. Dazai notices, obviously, and a smug smirk appears on his face. His eyes glance at his partner's lips once. Kunikida finally breaks.

Second later he presses his lips against Dazai's, who hums visibly satisfied with this outcome. Kunikida puts his hand on the back of Dazai's head and Dazai leans in even closer, licking into Kunikida's mouth as soon as he gets the chance. 

It feels like the only thing Kunikida ever needed, but at the same time like something he shouldn't have ever wanted. Like losing and finding himself over and over again.

It's not an ideal kiss, it's messy, almost brutal, but Kunikida just kisses Dazai, matches his pace, both of them wanting the exact same thing. Kunikida's hands start sliding down Dazai's throat, his shoulders, chest, moving along his sides, enjoying all the satisfied hums it brings out of Dazai. And Dazai starts pressing even closer against Kunikida, lifting up from his seat, looping his arms around Kunikida's neck and then moving onto Kunikida's lap in one swift move.

Kunikida gasps as Dazai places his knees on either side of his thighs. He's close, so close it's dangerous, because Kunikida is aware it's not too long before his mind gets foggy, focusing on Dazai and Dazai only. 

And they're both still on their shift, technically.

"This wasn't meant to interfere with work" Kunikida murmurs with accusation, as Dazai starts moving his lips over his jaw.

"Don't be such a worrywart. I'm just helping you blow off steam. That was part of the deal" Dazai says, nipping the skin gently. Kunikida closes his eyes and breathes in. Well, Dazai isn't exactly wrong. 

He can feel Dazai's smirk on his skin. His lips are brushing over the shell of his ear as he whispers. "Also, you're being a hypocrite. Did you forget that time in storage room? Or..."

"Shut up" Kunikida cuts him off, feeling his face heat up at being confronted with his own mistakes.

Dazai pulls away, his gaze pinning Kunikida in his seat. "I can stop. Just tell me to" he says. It's not a tease, it's nothing complicated, just a simple offer. It couldn't be easier. But Kunikida only shuts his mouth close, not trusting his words, not trusting his mind, not trusting himself, not around Dazai.

Dazai tilts his head. He puts his hands on Kunikida's face, hold his chin gently so he doesn't look away, and leans closer again. "Or I can do what you actually want."

Kunikida sucks in a sharp breath. His decision is already made when Dazai puts his thumb on his bottom lip, raising a brow.

"You're a menace" Kunikida breathes out. Dazai chuckles. He smiles, leaning in even closer, lips brushing over Kunikida's as he speaks.

"Maybe. But I'm your menace, right?"

Kunikida's mind gets caught up in this too fast. It keeps repeating words like yours, mine. Why? Why would he even think about it? It doesn't really make sense how his heart flutters hearing this. In the end, Kunikida knows Dazai will never be his, just like he won't be Dazai's. This thing doesn't make them belong to each other in any way they already haven't.

Kunikida decides to shut off these thoughts by finally closing the gap between him and Dazai. He doesn't waste any time, the kiss being deep and hot from the beginning. Dazai moves his hands into Kunikida's hair, pulling the blond strands, causing Kunikida to let out quiet groans into his mouth. His own hands are sliding down Dazai's body, resting on his thighs, grabbing the flesh just enough to hear a needy gasp leaving Dazai's lips.

They have to breathe unfortunately, but as soon as they pull away, Kunikida brings his lips to Dazai's neck, leaving a trail of kisses alongside his throat where the bandaged don't reach, making his way towards his collarbone. He feels Dazai's fingers tightening the grip on his hair as he starts nipping the sensitive skin gently before biting just the right way. Hearing the way Dazai moans he can't help but smile against his skin, something hot spreading inside his body. He makes his way up Dazai's throat, leaving small bites just to hear more of these bewitching sounds Dazai makes. 

After a few minutes, he looks up at Dazai who immediately takes his face into his hands, kissing him with so much force it drives Kunikida crazy. When he pulls up, Kunikida is breathing heavily and Dazai just smirks.

"So pretty" he whispers. Then, his head lowers and his lips move to find that spot under Kunikida's jaw that makes him gasp every time. Dazai is making his head spin, sucking the skin, biting and soothing the bites with his tounge. Kunikida has to bite his own lips to prevent letting out too much noises, while his hands start moving over Dazai's warm body again, holding his hips, his waist, slowly getting annoyed at the layer of clothes between them.

Dazai must feel the same because his fingers start unbuttoning Kunikida's vest as he keeps leaving kisses on his collarbone. 

Kunikida's head is a mess. He doesn't knows anything except where this is leading. He's way past caring or worrying about how inappropriate this is.

They pull away for a moment, both of them breathing heavily. Kunikida watches Dazai, his flushed skin, his swollen lips, the look of pure want in his eyes and he can't help but feel kind of smug because he caused this. Kunikida opens his mouth, feeling like he should say something, hard to say what exactly, but something, because Dazai makes him fell like–

Kunikida's phone starts ringing. They both jump with surprise, looking at each other with wide eyes.

Kunikida almost wants to ignore it, treat it like some background noise, not mattering at all. But his reasonable – or worrisome – side suddenly wakes up. What if there was something wrong, what if someone needed help? What if he decided to ignore that? It would be his fault then, how would he even try to explain it...

Something nudges his hand. He looks up and sees Dazai handing him the phone. His eyes seem understanding, like he knows Kunikida would be too paranoid if he didn't pick up this call. Of course he knows.

"Just be quick with it" Dazai says, voice hoarse which makes Kunikida shiver.

Kunikida takes a few breaths, trying to compose himself before answering the call. "Hello?"

"Kunikida, hey, it's Tanizaki. We're done here with Kenji and we were wondering when you're coming back."

Oh. Oh shit. Kunikida only now remembers their coworkers were meant to investigate another place and he and Dazai were meant to drive them back to the Agency.

He holds back a frustrated groan, rubbing a hand over his eyes. "Yes, we're going to be there soon" he says finally. Tanizaki thanks him or says something else, but Kunikida is too busy beating himself over the fact that he forgot something work-related due to what, making out with Dazai like a teenager?

Dazai listens to the conversation and when Kunikida puts the phone away with a quiet sigh, he slowly moves back to his seat, getting off Kunikida who reaches out his hands, but quickly lets them down, unsure what he should do. Yes, it's awkward, but even more noticeable is this weird sense of disappointment.

Kunikida buttons up his vest and tries to fix his hair, glancing at Dazai who's doing the same. There's nothing to say really, nothing that Kunikida can think of, so he clears his throat and starts the car.

Tanizaki and Kenji don't seem to notice the tense atmosphere in the car, thankfully. Kunikida, on the other hand, feels like he has committed some unspeakable crime and this is the hell he's been sent to.

When they finally manage to get to the Agency's parking, Kunikida's knuckles are almost white from gripping the wheel so tight. They get out of the car and Kunikida breathes in deeply, hoping the fresh air will help him clear his mind. They say goodbye to Tanizaki and Kenji, but while Tanizaki moves away, the younger detective stays in front of Dazai and Kunikida, squinting his eyes and watching them carefully.

"What happened to your neck?" he asks Dazai with curiosity in his voice. His eyes move to Kunikida. "Yours too."

Kunikida immediately looks at Dazai and sucks in sharply. He must've been too distracted, they both must've, because how the hell would he miss two visible hickeys on Dazai's neck. He swallows with difficulty seeing Dazai's eyes widen and realising his neck must look the same. 

"We, erm..." Kunikida starts, because Kenji keeps staring at them with question. When nothing comes to his mind, he can only hope he doesn't look too mortified.

"...got into a fight" Dazai finishes, always better at improvising and quickly acting calm. Kenji nods slowly, but there's something about his expression that tells Kunikida he isn't entirely convinced. Dazai takes care of it. "Hey, how about you choose a seat for us in the cafe and we have that apple cake?"

Kenji's face lights up at the mention of cake and he smiles before leaving them. Kunikida lets out a relieved sigh and leans against the car door.

"Fucking hell" he mutters.

Dazai whistles "Harsh."

Kunikida looks at him and sees Dazai grinning, evidently amused by the whole situation. Something inside Kunikida starts boiling.

"This was your stupid idea" he says through his gritted teeth.

"I didn't hear you protest" Dazai smirks sharply, devilishly. He shakes his head "I told you, don't be such a worrywart–"

"I don't want any rumors spreading, Dazai."

Dazai's smile disappears from his face. Something else appears, something real beneath the mask, but it's gone immediately. Dazai crosses his arms on his chest.

"Oh, right, it would definitely break your ideal prude image, wouldn't it?" he scoffs.

"Could you take this more seriously? It's not my fault you don't feel any shame" Kunikida snaps. It comes out worse than he intended. He presses his lips into a thin line, still feeling dull anger, but unsure at whom it's pointed.

Dazai's eyes are ice cold, his expression blant, unreadable. "If you're so ashamed of me, then maybe don't act so eager next time" he says, words cutting like a knife, then turns on his heel and walks away. Kunikida doesn't even have time to say anything.

What would he say anyway? Something in Dazai's words bothers him, but he's not sure what exactly. There's a horrible feeling in his guts – guilt? Shame? He stands there, confused, confronted with too many things at once. What hits him is that he isn't ashamed of Dazai not really. That's what's wrong with what Dazai said. Yes, he feels shame, kind of. At himself, at this whole situation maybe. But Dazai... It's a completely different matter with him. Kunikida isn't able to understand it yet.

In the evening someone is knocking on Kunikida's door and he has a feeling just who it might be. And his guess is right – he sees Dazai standing in front of him.

They both stare at each other, their expressions full of mixed feelings.

"So..." Dazai starts.

"So..." Kunikida says at the same time. Their eyes lock. It's not hard to guess where this is going.

Neither of them says sorry. But the kiss that follows feels a bit like an apology, feels like admitting this wasn't worth it, not when in the end it's nothing more than that.

*

"What is going on with you and Dazai?"

Kunikida is sitting still in Yosano's infirmary, she's cleaning the cuts on his face, which weren't bad enough for her to use her ability, as Kunikida eagerly convinced her.

Or at least he was sitting still, until the question was asked. Kunikida involuntarily winces, too surprised to say anything at first. He tries to compose himself, as quickly as possible, not to cause any suspicions.

He clears his throat. "What do you mean?"

Yosano shrugs, almost carelessly, but there's something more to it. Kunikida tries to remain calm under her gaze, which is so observant, as if she was examining him to give the right diagnose.

"You just sometimes act weirdly around each other. Well, weirder than usual" she explains, cleaning the last cut on Kunikida's cheekbone. She's not nosy, far from it, Kunikida's aware. So it must be genuine interest or confusion even.

She turns her back to him, checking something in her supplies. "Or maybe I'm wrong?"

The problem with Kunikida is that he isn't the best actor. As usual, Dazai is the total opposite of him in this case. Nevertheless, Kunikida likes to think they're both pretty good at keeping their arrangament between them. After all, Kunikida has some experience with keeping Dazai's and Dazai related secrets to himself.

Obviously, despite all of this, he suspects Ranpo knows. Yet it seems unlikely of him to just tell it like that, without anything in return, without any drama about it.

But that would mean Yosano has noticed something on her own. She is good at that, at observing people, but Kunikida wonders what exactly might have given them away, gave her a reason to believe something has changed. Maybe it was one longing look in Dazai's direction too much. Maybe it was the way Kunikida blushed after Dazai teasing him once or twice. Maybe, although Kunikida can't imagine it, it was something on Dazai's side.

Whatever it was it shouldn't have happened – this is nothing to proudly announce, show around like you would with a normal partner, a date. No, their arrangament is meant to be kept between them two only, locked inside their bedrooms and memories.

"It's nothing. Really" Kunikida says, knowing he won't be able to come up with a better excuse. He hopes this way he will at least signal Yosano to drop the subject, which isn't worth this conversation anyway.

When Yosano turns back she looks as if the diagnose he's about to hear is pretty pessimistic. Kunikida almost wants to hide from this worry he can see in her eyes. Some part of him wants to know what exactly she sees when she looks at him, at them, what is she worried about, what kind of image she has in her mind.

"Okay. Just don't let this 'nothing' hurt either of you" she retorts, crossing her arms on her chest and lifting her brows. Kunikida tells her there's nothing to be worried about.

Because there's nothing going on, not really. This is just something to be hidden in the dark, never let out to see daylight. A secret, Kunikida's secret to keep on the side, until he finally learns to be better and can let this go, until he's good enough to properly follow his ideals, forgetting this ever happened.

*

"Listen, I'm not saying I would." Dazai lifts his hands in an innocent manner. "I'm just saying he could take care of me if he wanted to."

Yosano nods slowly with understanding, beside her a disgusted and astonished Ranpo.

"What is wrong with you?" he asks, genuinely shocked. He scrunches his nose, gaze moving from Dazai to Kunikida. "Don't tell me you agree with them."

Kunikida is too drunk for this.

It's been a few hours since they entered the bar, all the empty glasses and bottles on the table being the evidence. The place feels somehow cozy with their table in the corner, dim lights and music not too loud. Besides, they're all drunk to the point where it would be hard to spoil their good mood.

Kunikida isn't sure what made him let loose like that, leading to feeling tipsier than usually. Maybe it was a tiring day, maybe the relief of having some time off, maybe it was Dazai's intoxicating smile as they downed every round together.

Anyway, Kunikida is having fun. Not surprisingly, he is among friends after all. What surprises him is that he's able to forget about everything that feels heavy on his shoulders, at least for a few hours. So he relaxes, deciding that this evening is important enough to fit it into the schedule, even unexpectedly.

They talk, they laugh, they drink. The subjects of their conversations become more and more unserious with every round until one way or another someone brings up Fukuzawa's... pretty good shape, let's call it that.

Kunikida's face heats up a little (because of the alcohol, obviously) as the three pair of eyes turn to him. Ranpo is staring with a warning and threat, Yosano with genuine interest, and Dazai, well it's something more complicated with Dazai, as if he possessed some secret knowledge.

Suddenly Dazai grins, a wide diabolical grin, and before Kunikida can stop him he turns to Ranpo and says "Well, Kunikida has this whole 'fuck authority' attitude, so you know."

Yosano snorts, Ranpo is probably plotting several murders in his head and Kunikida's face goes red. He tries to seem unimpressed, smacking Dazai in the back of his head.

"Shut up, idiot."

"Am I wrong though?" Dazai keeps pushing, the alcohol probably giving him too much unreasonable courage.

Kunikida doesn't honor him with an answer, instead turns to Ranpo. "I'm sorry for him. The President is a good man and a great leader, who I look up to in many ways."

"Aaaand he's objectively attractive" Yosano adds, leaning to Ranpo who rolls his eyes at her, still visibly not very keen on this conversation, but too done with his friends to act angry.

"He has to have some flaws, though, right?" Dazai bumps Kunikida's shoulder, apparently expecting an answer from him. Sober, Kunikida wouldn't give it much thought. However, drunk–

"Well, he is a bit obsessed with cats" he decides finally. He says it almost carelessly, but Dazai catches it up immediately.

"Exactly. Imagine you had to compete with little Mr. Whiskers or Peanut."

Kunikida isn't very proud of himself, but this is the moment when he breaks. He tries to fight it, to keep his lips pressed into a thin line, but before he can there's laughter coming out out of his mouth, first little weakly hidden giggles, then regular laugh coming from somewhere deep inside him. 

Kunikida tries to take a breath, to calm down, but that's when he realises Dazai is laughing too. Not his cartoonishly mischievous giggle, but real open laugh. Combined with all the drinks Kunikida has had, it makes his heart skip a bit hearing such honest and sweet sound. 

Their gazes meet suddenly and Kunikida curses the alcohol, because maybe he would be able to name whatever he sees in Dazai's eyes if it hadn't been for it. But at the same time he's thankful for being able to just brush it off, start laughing again, their bodies shaking against each other, until they're both wheezing, catching their breaths, slouched in their seats, Kunikida with his forehead pressed against Dazai's shoulder.

"Don't worry, we will leave your dad alone" Dazai tries to reassure Ranpo, lifting his glass as in toast. Even though he probably means it, his words are too slurred and too amused.

Kunikida is unfortunately more drunk than he has been in a long time, close to Dazai and exposed to his humor in unhealthy amount, that he's unable to refrain from mutterring into Dazai's shoulder, quietly, thinking only Dazai hears it "At least until someone calls him daddy."

The way Dazai's body starts shaking with laughter is such a surprise to Kunikida, that he lifts his head, looks at his partner and starts laughing too, tears in his eyes. They laugh probably louder than they should, blame it on alcohol in their systems.

Ranpo observes the scene with a grimace on his face. "You're the fucking worst" he concludes, which only gets them laughing again.

They are still laughing when they leave the bar about an hour later. It's dark and getting chilly so they head in their dorms' direction right away.

However, the road isn't so easy.

"You should carry me" Dazai says after almost tripping over his feet for the third time in row.

"Absolutely not, you lazy bastard" says Kunikida for whom keeping himself standing upright and walking is a hard enough task.

"But you're sooo strong."

"And you're trying to get something for yourself by using sweet words."

"It usually works."

And it is a bit scary how he's right, isn't it? It makes Kunikida think about all these times he gave in to Dazai's plans, ideas, wishes, about all these times he gave him what he wanted and about all these times Kunikida wanted to give him exactly that. 

He's too drunk to be thinking this over, nothing reasonable will come out of it anyway.

"Not this time" he says at last.

"You're being mean" Dazai whines, pouting.

"You're being annoying" Kunikida retorts flatly.

Dazai stops in his tracks, so Kunikida obviously stops too, watching the other man turn in his direction, tilting his head.

"And yet somehow we always end up like this.

"Like what?"

"Together."

It's stupid, just a silly thing said about their bickering under the influence of all the alcohol they both had tonight. But at the same time, it is undeniably true, said quietly in the darkness, shared only between them. And the way Dazai's eyes shine in the dim light from the street lamp, the way the corner of his lips lifts up in a beginning of soft smile, makes Kunikida feel that it's more than just a stated fact.

"I guess you're right" Kunikida says, a bit uncertain if he shouldn't say something else, something more meaningful.

Dazai grins. "That's nothing new, name one time I wasn't."

Kunikida is about to do exactly that, while Dazai is jumping ahead, but then he sees the bandaged man on his way to meet with the pavement so he needs to quickly walk up to him and wrap an arm around his waist, pulling him up and holding him steady. Dazai immediately wraps his arm around Kunikida too, giggling drunkenly for whatever reason.

And they stay like this for the rest of the road, holding each other safe from falling. Not that it's the first time. Kunikida remembers many different occasions when after parties or just a couple rounds of drinks, they had to get to their dorms in very unhelping states. But every time they were together so whenever one of them fell, the other could pull him back to his feet. 

So it isn't very different now, even if Kunikida's heart beats a little bit faster at the feeling of Dazai's body pressed to his side, at the sound of his laugh tearing through the quiet night. Unfortunately, even now Kunikida is too smart to believe it's only the alcohol running in his blood.

When they get to the dorms, Dazai is almost sleeping on Kunikida's shoulder, his words getting more slurred and eyelids falling heavily despite the walk. Kunikida decides to walk into his dorm and safely get him to the bedroom. Dropping the man on the bed, he watches as Dazai immediately clutches a pillow, mumbling something incomprehensible. Kunikida is almost about to drift off too, but he shakes his head and goes to find some painkillers, then brings them along with a glass of water, managing not to spill too much of it, putting it on the bedside table. He is already turning to leave, when Dazai catches his wrist.

"Just stay here" he mumbles, slurred, on the edge of sleep. "I won't get you up if you fall on the way out."

Kunikida turns, quickly taking in the image in front of him – Dazai with his eyes closed, curled on the bed, his brown hair sprawled around his head. He looks peaceful, kind of soft.

Kunikida is drunk and tired and Dazai mutters "don't be an idiot", so he finally clears his throat quietly and without further thinking lays down on the other side of the bed. It's not the biggest one, but it wasn't a problem for them before, was it? Although Kunikida does everything not to think about it. They're not even facing each other, anyway.

"Goodnight, Dazai."

"Goodnight."

It's dark, they're laying back to back, Dazai's breathing sounds calm and even, he's probably already asleep. But Kunikida can't help wondering how strange it seems, despite their history. It's not like he's never slept in the same room as Dazai – he has during these couple times when his partner made him worried, when he argued about not needing any help, but in the end let Kunikida take care of him. The difference is, whenever that happened, Kunikida just spent the night in the armchair near the bed, too scared that if he left he wouldn't see Dazai in the morning. 

Now they are sharing a bed, which admittely also happened before, however not like this, not quietly and peacefully, not as simply being next to each other.

Now it feels... easier than Kunikida suspected. He wonders if it would be so easy if he was sober, though.

Yet, the thought that Dazai is so close, letting himself be seen in such vulnerable state, letting Kunikida stay in this moment with him – that's what makes Kunikida turn a few times from side to side, then onto his back, staring at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep despite the exhaustion, because there's too many thoughts and voices in his head.

Suddenly he hears Dazai hum, perhaps annoyed by his companion, so Kunikida opens his mouth to apologise immediately. But then the other man just slides closer to him, until their bodies are pressed close. Kunikida glances at Dazai, sees that his eyes are closed, his face so fascinatingly calm – he's apparently still asleep. And in this unaware state he is closing the distance between them until his head is resting on Kunikida's shoulder, brown hair tickling his chin.

Kunikida freezes, startled at the contact, but just as soon relaxes. Then, everything slowly becomes quiet and simple as he falls asleep. It's just Dazai, after all. 

Chapter Text

"You have to stay focused in order to keep your balance."

Atsushi nods, listening carefully – after all, he was the one to ask Kunikida for the training. The boy is getting better, which Kunikida notes with pleasure. However, when he moves towards his older colleague this time, maybe something distracts him, because Kunikida easily throws him over his shoulder.

"C'mon Atsushi, you have to show the old man" they hear a mocking voice followed by a whistle. Kunikida turns to see Dazai leaning against the door frame, watching them although it's hard to say for how long he's been standing there.

"Who are you calling old?" Kunikida huffs. He glances at Atsushi once, then back at Dazai, crossing his arms on his chest. "Maybe you should try with me. To show the kid."

Dazai tilts his head visibly considering the offer. "Okay. Just don't regret this."

Kunikida raises a brow as Dazai takes off his coat and takes position in front of him. Atsushi slides to the side watching them, eyes wide with interest.

In spite of all his cockiness, Dazai manages to knock Kunikida down only once, then lands on the floor two times in a row, maybe not without a fight, but it certainly lacks something.

So, the third time it happens, Kunikida keeps Dazai caged between him and the floor. Dazai lifts his brows, glancing at Atsushi who Kunikida almost forgot was even there. It's hard to tell what exactly the kid is thinking, but most probably he's just watching his two mentors giving him a lesson, completely unaware of this messy thing they share.

Thankfully, Kyouka comes in, asking Atsushi if he could help her with something and soon enough younger members of the Agency leave the room.

As soon as they're alone, it's evident what crosses Dazai's mind. He smiles at Kunikida, batting his eyelashes in a, honestly, shameless way.

"What a nice lesson, huh?" he says, sounding like it's actually the last thing he's thinking about, his hand reaching out to tuck a strand of Kunikida's hair behind his ear.

And admittely, they haven't really been alone for a few days, precisely since Kunikida woke up hungover, exchanged a muttered 'good morning' with Dazai and left his partner's dorm. They haven't really talked until now, neither have they done anything about it.

That's why Dazai's antics, especially the way his warm eyes are examining Kunikida's face, unfortunately do make Kunikida react at first, shivering and leaning closer into the touch.

But the thought from earlier hasn't left his mind.

"You're holding back" he says, lips almost brushing Dazai's.

"I would never" Dazai's tone is mocking, falsely offended, as he tries to close the distance between them.

"You are" Kunikida repeats, regaining all self-control he can to pull away. He forbids his brain from thinking about Dazai's lips until he at least tries to solve this question. So, Kunikida gets up on his feet, Dazai doing the same with an annoyed sigh.

"You were acting almost as if you liked being tossed around like that." Kunikida shoots Dazai a glare when he smirks impishly. "I thought you would put up a better show for Atsushi. I know you can fight."

Kunikida witnessed, not even once, the state Dazai left some of their enemies in. Obviously he wasn't expecting something like that, but still it's weird for Dazai to go so easy on him.

Dazai's smile disappears, his expression and voice turning serious. "I don't think you wanted to show him that." He takes a step back, maybe subconsciously, but Kunikida immediately wants to reach out to him. He doesn't though.

Dazai is looking at him as he talks, yet his gaze seems to be somewhere else. "It's not like you. You have clear technique and good training. I fight dirty. Port Mafia dirty."

There's something in Dazai's eyes and voice that Kunikida recognizes. The way Dazai sometimes acts or talks, the way he sometimes distances himself from the rest of the Agency, the way he doesn't like sharing his experiences aren't unfamiliar to Kunikida. He has noticed all of this and after time reached a conclusion – that occasionally Dazai still considers himself more a former Port Mafia Executive than a current detective.

Kunikida can understand that, to some extent, but at the same time it confuses him. Probably because when he looks at Dazai what he sees is simply his partner, someone needed in the Agency, someone working to help people.

Of course Kunikida is aware of Dazai's past, aware that he might never even get to know its darkest parts. Kunikida is also aware that it's still somewhere deep inside Dazai, hidden but not gone completely, not yet at least. 

But that's just a part of him, a part Kunikida has learnt to accept as it made Dazai who he is now. Dazai he knows isn't a ruthless mafioso. He is Kunikida's partner.

Kunikida wants to tell Dazai all of this one day. He just can't brace himself to do it now, when he isn't sure if Dazai won't run away. It's also hard to say what exactly Kunikida wants to convey with these words, and he needs to know it.

What he says instead is "As long as you can fight for yourself and others, I don't see anything wrong with that."

Dazai's eyes are back on Kunikida and he understands, of course he understands. His mouth parts but eventually nothing comes out. His eyes however, soften in this specific way that makes Kunikida's heart jump, effectively distracting.

Which seems to be the point because a second later there's a sharp smile on Dazai's lips as he runs forward into Kunikida.

It's different now, still not a real fight obviously, but at least this time Dazai is actually doing something instead of just avoiding punches. They can finally test their skills for real, Kunikida notes the differences and similarities between them and some habits they must've picked up from each other during their work together.

Kunikida will be left with some light bruises, Dazai probably too, but neither of them cares much. Somehow it's the sign of them trusting each other enough for this to be safe.

Suddenly when Kunikida is almost sure he has the upper hand as he serves the punch meant to knock Dazai down, in the same moment his leg is kicked and pulled from under him causing Kunikida to land heavily on his back.

Dazai is on top of him immediately, legs on either side of his hips, preventing Kunikida from moving. Kunikida sometimes forgets how strong his partner actually is, despite the lanky posture. What he realises is that right now, he doesn't mind that at all. Whatever it means.

Kunikida groans quietly and Dazai tuts, reaching his hand to cradle Kunikida's face, thumb stroking his cheekbone.

"Didn't I warn you?" he asks sweetly. He's close, but not enough, just as close as he needs for acting like a tease and a menace. Kunikida can feel Dazai's breath on his face, his touch making his skin burn even hotter, he can see his eyes shining and his grin is just too triumphant.

Kunikida can also fight dirty.

He pulls Dazai by the collar of his shirt, firmly but not firmly enough not to give him a choice, and finally connects their lips in a hungry, needy kiss. Dazai gasps into his mouth, his hand moves to Kunikida's nape as he happily kisses back with just as much fervor. Kunikida hums, putting his hand on Dazai's waist then slowly sliding to his hips, his thighs, holding him carefully and firmly, just enough to flip them over when Dazai isn't expecting.

The man yelps as his back hits the training mat, but it quickly turns into giggle as he loops his arms around Kunikida's neck. "So this is the training you had in mind?"

"Shut up" Kunikida remarks as intelligently as he can. In his defense, listening to Dazai whine as Kunikida pulls his lower lip between his teeth is far more interesting than forming a sensible sentence.

From now on, both of them are loosing and winning equally often (as if anyone could lose in this situation). It makes Kunikida burn when Dazai reacts just as ferociously as he does, making him wonder if maybe Dazai missed this as much as Kunikida, if he missed him as much as Kunikida did, even though it was less than a week.

It's not smart to act like this, something deep in Kunikida reminds him. However, they are too entrapped in each other, not wanting or needing anything else. It feels as if they they only had now and needed to make the most of it. That's a familiar feeling around Dazai. And yet even with the rush, with the bruises, with the hardness of the training mat, it's good, it's safe.

Still, maybe they should've at least tried to take this somewhere else.

Just when Dazai's hand starts expertly sliding under Kunikida's shirt, they hear the sound of approaching footsteps and Atsushi's voice "Hey, Tanizaki wanted to know if you're going to make it to that case you had scheduled–"

Kunikida pushes himself off Dazai as fast as he can, landing on his back beside him, when Atsushi appears in the entrance. He tries to calm his breath, to at least look composed, hoping it isn't that obvious what has just been interrupted. His red face, that can be easily explained by the intensity of the training. Swollen lips are a totally different thing, though.

"Yes, we're going to be there soon" Kunikida manages to say, cursing under his breath, because of course it's Dazai who makes him forget about the schedule. It's hard to admit, but Kunikida doubts anyone else could mess with his head as much.

Atsushi glances at Dazai who only raises his thumbs up in agreement. Atsushi nods and leaves the room with an oblivious smile on his face.

"Shit" Dazai says, almost breathless.

"Shit" Kunikida agrees, equally out of breath. He should be more annoyed at this, he should be thinking what could've happened if they hadn't stopped in time. But for some reason, he can't bring himself to care enough, to feel threatened at the thought.

He turns his head and Dazai is there, looking at him. They laugh quietly, and maybe this, the trust of it all, is better than getting angry, Kunikida thinks.

*

At first glance there's no reason to suspect anything is wrong with Dazai, but Kunikida has learnt to watch him more carefully, to look for more signs, things hidden under the surface.

So, he notices the paleness of Dazai's skin, the way his hands tremble from time to time, how tired his eyes seem. And he can't pretend to be unbothered about it.

When it's the time of their break, Kunikida drops his lunchbox on Dazai's desk. "Have this."

Dazai observes it for a moment as if it's an object from a foreign country, a puzzle he's meant to solve. Then his gaze slowly moves up to Kunikida.

"It's yours" he says without any specific emotion, maybe just a bit surprised, and Kunikida almost laughs, because honestly it's one of the stupidest excuses Dazai could have come up with.

"Has this ever stopped you before?" He lifts his brow mockingly. He shakes his head, explaining "I'm not hungry and I don't want it to waste, so–"

"I don't need your pity, you know that?" Dazai cuts in, voice flat and quiet yet his words are sharp enough to sting Kunikida. He tries not to show it, though, stopping himself before he winces.

Dazai continues like he's bored of this conversation. "Just ask your usual 'when was the last time you ate something', get annoyed when I say I don't remember and let's get this over." He waves his hand dismissively, glancing away.

Kunikida knows this is meant to provoke him, to make him snap and lose his temper, so instead he clenches his jaw and counts to ten, then slowly breathes in and out. He's very familiar with Dazai's tactic to make him give up, to make him think it's not worth it. And admittely, there were times Dazai succeeded. Kunikida doesn't want it to be today.

"It's not pity, some people just care about you, asshole" he says when he's sure his voice is calm enough. Dazai glances at him, then quickly looks down, in an almost sorry way.

It's quiet for a moment, getting obvious Kunikida isn't going to hear an answer, not this time at least. He sighs and tries a different approach, the one that usually works better between them – a half-truth masked behind a seemingly meaningless sentence.

"Also, you don't work as efficiently if you don't eat."

Dazai finally turns his gaze back to Kunikida, because dealing with such bullshit is not as difficult as dealing with genuine feelings. 

Despite this fact, Kunikida knows he will keep trying to change this attitude, even if he's not exactly sure why he's so adamant about Dazai realising how much other people care.

Dazai lets out a dreary sigh. "Well, if it's for work, I guess I have to do my best as always."

Kunikida rolls his eyes, mainly because it's a part of their play. Inside, however, he feels relief mixed with some kind of fondness, when Dazai gives in and takes the food.

Maybe one day Kunikida will stop caring so much or maybe Dazai will actually let him care. For now, this has to be enough.

*

"Well, you look terrible."

Kunikida only groans in response.

The sound of Dazai walking into his dorm, woke him up, not exactly from a dream but rather this state of drifting off in sickness.

Now, Kunikida rubs his face and blinks a few times, finding his glasses on the nightstand. "What are you doing here?" he asks, furrowing his brows at how hoarse his voice sounds.

"You didn't show up on time and everyone thought you must be dead. I was chosen to find the body" Dazai explains, walking closer to Kunikida, examining his state thoroughly. "But turns out you're still in the stage of dying."

Kunikida listens to this confused, until his eyes land on the clock. Shit, he's late. Very late. At least that's something he still understands, despite these weird circumstances. He curses under his breath and sits up, moving to get out of bed. What he doesn't notice is that Dazai is now very close and in a few quick steps stops him by putting his hand on Kunikida's shoulder and firmly, yet not too hard, pushing him back against the headboard.

"What do you think you're doing?" Dazai asks.

"I'm late, I have to–" A loud sneeze interrupts what Kunikida was meant to say.

"You look like a corpse" Dazai says flatly. He presses the back of his hand to Kunikida's forehead and something flashes on his usually indifferent face. "Where do you keep medicine?"

"In the bathroom cabinet." Kunikida closes his eyes and leans his head against the headboard, listening to Dazai's furthering steps. Now he has to admit, he does feel like shit. His head is killing him, everything is too hot, his bones are aching and he's just so incredibly tired. 

Dazai comes back with a glass of water and bunch of medicine which he puts on the bedside table. He tilts his head watching his partner with such attention, that Kunikida doesn't know what to do. He's only sure his heart shouldn't probably flutter in this weird, unfamiliar way. Perhaps it's another symptom of his illness.

"You should probably go now" he says impulsively, not able to think of anything else, just knowing he has to do something about this whole situation.

"I'm not leaving you alone in this state. I can call Yosano or someone else if you want–"

"Don't" Kunikida stops him, maybe a bit too fast and honestly he can't explain it. He sneezes again, his whole body shaking, then sighs heavily. "I mean, I just don't understand why..." He waves his hand in Dazai's direction as if that was supposed to explain everything. It's quite hard to think clearly in the state that he is.

Dazai frowns, his eyes darken for a moment with something strange and a bit gloomy. "I know you might not think I'm able to take care of a living person, but unfortunately if you don't want to call for anyone else, you're stuck with me."

There's something bitter in these words, Kunikida can hear that. He suppresses a grimace. "It's not that, Dazai. It's just you don't have to do this."

Dazai rolls his eyes, as if Kunikida said something utterly stupid. Did he? Maybe, it's hard to say, his head feels too heavy on his neck. "And you don't have to always put everyone else first until you end up sick or injured, yet here we are. You would really go to work like this?"

Yes, because that's his duty, that's his ideal. Because Kunikida can't just fail at something as stupid as this, not when lately he hasn't been very good at living in a truly ideal way. Because how is he supposed to help other people if he's not able to take care of himself?

At the same time, he understands it might sound quite silly, especially in his current state. He understands some people will never really grasp his reasoning. What Kunikida doesn't exactly understand though, is why, despite all of that, Dazai is still here.

"I'm sorry" Kunikida manages to say quietly, gaze dropping down for a moment. 

Silence falls between them feels heavy, both of them uncertain of what they should do, how they should act. 

Kunikida drags a hand over his warm face, breathing in deeply before looking back at Dazai. His profound gaze is already on Kunikida, of course.

Dazai sighs, shaking his head slowly. "Don't be, you idiot. But if you're always trying to help other people, even me for some stupid reason, then let others help you sometimes."

Kunikida often feels like an open book, unable to hide his emotions when needed, but with Dazai it's even more. Different. It's like being known with all the dread and comfort it brings. 

He knows he's too sick and too tired to argue, to have this conversation, to figure out what this means. To tell Dazai it's never stupid when he tries to take care of him. To tell Dazai Kunikida has to feel needed, to be worth enough to be needed, even though Dazai will never need him in some ways. 

Dazai doesn't seem to be in a talkative mood either. He glances sideways, Kunikida can almost see the gears in his head working, thinking about a way out, planning an escape – but not from Kunikida this time, no, he made it clear he wants to stay. What is Dazai running from then?

"You should probably eat something" Dazai suggests, ripping Kunikida away from his thoughts. Kunikida notices him fidgeting with the edge of the bandage on his wrist, glancing down and furrowing his brows, as if he was reminding himself what to do, what should be normally done. Dazai seems unsure, but fixated on getting this right. "Or at least have a warm drink first. How does tea sound?"

"Sounds good" Kunikida says, still a bit surprised. Dazai just nods and turns to leave. Before he disappears from the room, Kunikida manages to let out "Thank you."

The corner of Dazai's mouth twitches upward "It's nothing."

But it feels like something more than nothing for Kunikida, at least for a second. But even this second when warmth spreads inside him – not the illness warmth, or maybe exactly that – when Kunikida looks at Dazai and sees someone who cares for him, even then it's too dangerous.

*

As soon as Kunikida is recovered enough to come back to work he throws himself into it without a thought, forgetting about everything. It's not like he should be thinking about much else, considering how behind his schedule he is. That's why he decides to stay overtime for the third evening in a row. Kunikida is aware no one really expects him to do that, but if he doesn't he won't be able to calm down.

It's getting late, already dark outside, as Kunikida leans over another report. Soon all of them will be done, if he keeps up with the pace, obviously. Kunikida inhales deeply, tapping his pen on the desk a few times, before getting back to work.

That's when he feels a familiar presence near him, then two hands on his shoulders, fingers digging lightly into the skin. "You're so tense, Kunikida."

Ah, yes, Dazai is also here. Kunikida should probably be used to this by now, because his partner has been staying overtime with him – usually to pester Kunikida rather than doing his own work. Still, Kunikida is a little surprised, once again wondering what is Dazai's reason for staying late, other than the obvious foolery.

"What the hell do you want?" Kunikida asks, but it comes out flat, lacking true irritation. 

"Shhh, relax" Dazai shushes him. Kunikida should and is about to push him away, but then Dazai's fingers start moving just right, good enough that Kunikida doesn't know how to deny himself.

Unfortunately, Dazai isn't wrong – Kunikida is tense, he can feel the soreness in his neck. What's even worse and more dooming for him, is that Dazai is devilishly skilled with his hands. Although, Kunikida would lie if he said he wasn't aware of that before.

"You know I've been wondering" Dazai says, while his hands are casually doing wonders on Kunikida's shoulder blades. "What can possibly make someone stay overtime so often?"

Kunikida grunts, because Dazai is working out a specific knot near his neck. Shit, he's too good at this. There's also the fact that Kunikida is pretty tired, but he's too smart to believe it's playing any bigger role.

It takes him some effort to actually process the question. "Not everyone is as lazy as you. It's important I catch up with everything, besides–"

"Yes, yes, the ideals, ambition, helping people, all that" Dazai cuts in, making Kunikida roll his eyes. He knows this is meant to be a tease. They've had this conversation many times before, too many to start an argument over this now, to get mad at Dazai. Because deep down, Kunikida knows Dazai isn't totally dismissing his point of view, knows Dazai understands him a little bit, understands their differences. 

But what Dazai truly thinks is a mystery.

"I think there's also another thing that motivates you" Dazai's tone changes so slightly, Kunikida almost misses it. However, he doesn't miss the way Dazai's hand stills on his shoulder, while the other one slides up his neck, stroking the skin in a calculated manner.

"Don't you just adore when your work is appreciated by others, when the President makes you an example, praises you?" Dazai's hand moves to Kunikida's jaw, then cups his chin gently, tilting his head slightly so when Dazai leans closer, his lips are brushing the shell of Kunikida's ear.

Kunikida presses his mouth shut, not saying anything, not even moving an inch, posing as indifferent to Dazai's antics yet anticipating what's to come. He's pretending to put up a fight that's already rigged.

Dazai is well aware of this. Kunikida can feel his lips forming a smirk while the man huskily whispers into his ear "You love it, don't you, good boy?"

Kunikida gasps before he can stop himself. But is there even a point in denying or fighting it, when Dazai is his opponent, Dazai who knows him so well it's almost terrifying? He could do anything he wanted with his knowledge. 

Yet, at the same time, Kunikida isn't actually scared. This feeling of being known can be equally comforting, might be one of the reasons he lays so much trust in Dazai, one of the reasons Kunikida knows he isn't going to get hurt.

So instead of pushing Dazai away and running, like he probably should, he turns to face him, finding the bewitching brown eyes already waiting for him.

"Dazai–" he whispers and in the same second Dazai's lips find his own. Kunikida gasps into the kiss, unaware there's so much want and need stored in him, in both of them. Dazai's hands find the collar of Kunikida's shirt, drag him from his chair, push him against the desk. And Kunikida doesn't resist in the slightest, he pliantly follows Dazai's moves, pushing his fingers through his soft hair, pressing their bodies even closer.

Dazai's mouth and tounge work in wicked ways, Kunikida has to put one hand on the desk to brace himself. He accidently knocks over some documents and that's what reminds him where he is, what he is doing and that he probably should feel more shame and remorse than he does.

"Dazai, we shouldn't–" he tries to say, while Dazai starts kissing his jawline. "–here–" is all Kunikida manages in the middle of the efforts to catch his breath.

"Everyone else left already, we're alone" Dazai says, but pulls away, enough to look Kunikida in the eyes, to ask the question, to give him a choice.

The choice is already made when Kunikida sees how these brown eyes shine, how they're focused on Kunikida and Kunikida only. It's already made when Dazai puts one of his hands on Kunikida's hip and the other softly cradles his face. 

Kunikida knows every single reason why he shouldn't do it, but this fact doesn't stop him from nodding his head. 

In an instant Dazai's mouth is back on his jaw, nipping the skin gently. "Just let me adore you for being so good" he whispers, making Kunikida shiver. In this moment he would let Dazai break him in any way he craved. Thankfully for Kunikida, that's not what the man wants. Dazai is holding him firmly and close, his touch burning Kunikida's skin while simultaneously treating Kunikida like something precious.

Dazai's warm lips move to Kunikida's neck, mouthing and biting, until Kunikida finally lets out a quiet whimper. Even though it's getting hungrier and hotter every second, there's still some underlying trust of it all, something that makes Kunikida's heart beat even faster.

"Would you like that?" Dazai brushes his thumb over Kunikida's lower lip. Their eyes lock once again, and it crosses Kunikida's mind how disheveled he must look but he doesn't care. He's too busy looking into Dazai's eyes, looking for... well, he isn't really exactly sure.

But he finds it, or at least something that reflects it. It's fragile, too fragile, he knows it will be gone soon. There's no sense in holding on to it.

So, Kunikida just puts his hand on Dazai's neck and pulls him closer until their lips meet, so fiercely it's almost bruising, so hot it's burning, so hungrily it's devouring. 

But at least that way it's real. And if it bruises, it will stay real for longer.

*

"Fuck, Dazai" Kunikida pants, looking down at the other man.

Dazai grins slyly, biting the inside of Kunikida's thigh, leaving yet another mark there. Kunikida knows there are traces of his fingernails on Dazai's back so he guesses they're even.

It's simultaneously easy and complicated to explain how they found themselves in Kunikida's bed. Easy, because Kunikida knew what Dazai standing at his door late at night with a bottle of wine meant. Complicated, because... well, they didn't really have any particular reason to do this, did they? It wasn't stress on Kunikida's part, a need for relief. It wasn't this unexplainable distant emotion, like sadness or frustration, that Kunikida sometimes sees in Dazai's eyes. It wasn't a need to forget that something nad happened. It just was.

They both have their needs, Kunikida supposes. And why not? Why not, when they have this deal anyway? Still, it makes Kunikida a little bit uneasy that this happens more and more often without any clear reason, any other reason than pure want. Instead of waiting for Dazai to appear at his door, Kunikida should remember he is still waiting for the ideal person to show up.

"You're in your head again" Dazai tuts which finally brings Kunikida back. The man is now straddling him, getting close so their chests are almost touching.

"It's nothing" Kunikida says immediately, pulling Dazai into a deep kiss. Maybe he needs to get something off his mind, apparently. And the way Dazai grinds his hips into his, may be quite helpful with that.

Dazai hums when they part, watching Kunikida attentively. "You know, I used to think you were kind of a prude" he says, a teasing tilt in his voice. 

That isn't a big surprise to Kunikida, especially since he's heard Dazai joking about that so many times. Well, he proved him wrong in the end.

He rolls his eyes. "Any other assumptions that need correcting?" he asks before he can stop himself. But even like this, in his bed, feeling Dazai's warm skin on his body, it's still to easy to just fall back into their familiar banter.

Dazai grins, visibly pleased Kunikida played along. He squints his eyes looking at him, as if he was thoroughly thinking about it. "That you were the top of your class."

Kunikida considers it for a moment, then shrugs. "Almost. I got into a few fights, and questioned the bullshit the authorities tried to pass too many times to be awarded or anything."

For a second something like surprise and maybe approval flashes in Dazai's eyes. It's gone soon, replaced with this all-knowing look of understanding, as if something made sense in his puzzle. "Yeah, that figures" he chuckles. A corner of Kunikida's lips twitches. 

"Okay, so what did you think about me? Back then" Dazai asks, a playful grin on his face.

Even though it's obviously another joke, Kunikida tenses a bit. Should they be talking about this, about them right now? On the other hand, why shouldn't they? They're friends after all, even in this situation, even if the lines are getting a bit blurry.

In the end, Kunikida decides to confess "That you're hiding something. A lot of things probably." Dazai doesn't say anything, just watches him with curiosity. After a moment, Kunikida adds "And that I'm going to find out what it is."

For a second, Kunikida wonders how to call what he sees on Dazai's face – a slip of his mask, maybe? Dazai is quick to fix that, although his eyes are still weirdly widened even as he leans closer to Kunikida, their noses practically touching.

"And did you succeed?" 

Kunikida almost shivers, feeling Dazai's breath on his lips as he whispers. He's lost, unsure how he got here, unsure if he will ever get out. 

But, for a moment, he considers the question. He thinks about everything Dazai told him in these years, willingly or not. He thinks about slowly taking another layers off him, and about them disappearing when he wouldn't expect it.

His eyes roam over Dazai's face, his body. Some bandages on his shoulder loosened a little, revealing a few scars. Kunikida thinks about how he witnessed some of them forming. But at the same time, his gaze moves to the other bandages, other scars he has never seen or been told how they got there. At the same time, Kunikida reminds himself about the dreadful sadness he sometimes sees in Dazai's eyes, about how Dazai seems to be looking at something far away, something that Kunikida may never know.

He looks back at Dazai, knowing there's too much to say and yet nothing worth being said. Not in this situation. So he just whispers "Not yet" and pulls Dazai even closer. He's relieved when Dazai sighs into the kiss, letting Kunikida flip them over and push him against the mattres, letting them act like this is as meaningless as it's supposed to be.

*

Kunikida curses under his breath as he gets on the rooftop. Damn it, he is going to be behind the schedule again and for what reason?

There's a familiar figure sitting at the edge of the roof holding a cigarette in one hand. Bastard, Kunikida thinks despite the relief blooming in his heart.

"I was looking for you" he says walking up to him. Dazai turns in his direction, raising a brow and Kunikida's breath gets stuck in his chest.

Dazai looks tired. He's pale, there are bags under his eyes, his moves are slow. And his eyes... his eyes are just so unspeakably empty and dull.

"Are you–" Are you okay?, Kunikida wants to ask. What happened? Can I hell? Can I do something, anything? Will I ever be able to help?

But these are the questions Dazai doesn't want to hear. He waves his hand dismissively and leans his head back, looking unbothered, posing as someone who couldn't care less about anything. Always posing. 

"I know you must've missed me but I'm on my break. Or is over already?"

It is, they're both very aware of this – Dazai because there's a visible challenge, a test in his gaze, Kunikida because that's why he came looking for Dazai in the first place.

He should tell him to get back to work, to do something properly. But hearing how exhausted and hollow Dazai's voice sounds, how carelessly the words come out of his mouth, it makes Kunikida's heart clench.

He shakes his head. "There are five minutes left."

Kunikida knows he is like an open book, that's how he feels when Dazai's eyes are piercing through him right now. However, Dazai's reaction, his real feelings remain a mystery, nothing more than a silent nod of acknowledgement.

Kunikida is about to turn and leave when Dazai gestures at the spot next to him. When Kunikida sits beside Dazai, his gaze is already fixed on the street below.

Maybe there are words that should be said, things that should be addressed, but this is neither time nor place. They just sit in silence, next to each other but in two completely different worlds.

Why does Dazai let him stay, let Kunikida almost cross the barrier between them? Does he want the company, is he simply indifferent? Perhaps Dazai just knows he will never let Kunikida truly inside, any closer, so it's safe for him anyway. 

Kunikida watches Dazai's profile, the dark smoke leaving his mouth, the way his fingers are holding the cigarette. It's meant to be a distraction but his thoughts relentlessly come back to Dazai's eyes and the darkness behind them. The hollowness.

Kunikida doesn't fool himself that he's able to fill it. What he should remember is that it isn't actually his mission, that he shouldn't think about it so much (even if he knows he always will).

He decides not to, at least for the next five minutes, as the silence between them stretches, interwining and keeping the two partners apart at the same time.

*

Kunikida wakes up to the feeling of another body moving beside him. Yet, when he reaches his hand the only thing it meets are crumpled sheets and an empty mattress growing cold.

He turns on his side and opens his eyes slightly. The room is still dark, it's probably the middle of the night. The other person in the room is quiet in a way that Kunikida got used to. His moves are calculated, well rehearsed. He is avoiding to let his gaze go in Kunikida's direction while collecting clothes from all over the bedroom floor.

This person just a few hours ago was whispering sweet nothings into Kunikida's ear. This person was so hot in his embrace that he felt this warmth spreading inside his chest. This person was looking at him in such way, Kunikida almost believed this could last forever.

Now, he watches Dazai dress up in the dark, in silence, as if in secret, even though it's just a part of their deal, a part they know very well.

But this time something in Kunikida's chest stings. When Dazai walks up to the door and looks over his shoulder just once, Kunikida almost reaches out to him, almost pulls him back. 

Dazai must know he's not asleep. Is he waiting for something then? Is he also considering to make a move? 

Kunikida almost opens his mouth. The words are almost let out. He almost tells Dazai to stay, at least once – but what would be enough to make him stay? Why would Kunikida want that, anyway? 

Although, he can't find so many reasons why he wouldn't.

For a second, Dazai's posture seems hesitant, as if he almost was going to turn back. Almost. In the end, Dazai leaves the room, closing the room on his way out.

Kunikida is once again left in the never ending almost of it all, the only thing that actually lasts forever.

*

Dazai's eyes are objectively pretty, Kunikida has to admit that. They can be fascinatingly warm, shining in a way that lures people in... but that doesn't really matter. Shouldn't matter.

Anyway, the thing is that while Dazai's eyes can be very alive at times, excited or mysterious, they can also turn incredibly, hauntingly dull, as if someone switched off the light.

It makes Kunikida uneasy, always did. Maybe he should just let it go, but he can't, it's not like him to leave people behind, for better or for worse. And unfortunately, Dazai isn't just anybody. 

So, when Dazai comes to work that day, acting quietly, his eyes without any life in them, Kunikida knows he has to at least try to get to the bottom of this. He knows he won't be at peace otherwise.

Kunikida's eyes roam over his schedule once again, even thought the decision has already been made. He sighs, closing the notebook and hiding it in his pocket. 

When he walks up to Dazai, the man doesn't look up at him, head still resting on his desk. Kunikida nudges his arm to get his attention.

"Do you want to go for a walk?"

For a second Dazai doesn't say anything, as if he didn't even hear. Then, he furrows his brows, a little confused. "It's two hours until work ends."

Kunikida nods, pretending to know exactly what he's doing, even though his head feels like a mess. "I know but, I finished my work early."

He doesn't mention the fact that Dazai didn't do almost anything today, that he spent most of the time laying on the desk, looking out of the window. Dazai doesn't mention it either. Instead, his eyes just scan over Kunikida's face, looking for a trap, looking for something deeply hidden. 

Whatever Dazai finds, it's apparently something he wanted to see. Or, maybe he just doesn't care and that's why not much later they're outside.

They walk in silence for a while. It's Dazai's strategy, he's waiting for Kunikida to start talking, since he was the one to initiate all of this. Kunikida is aware if he doesn't make a move, they won't get anywhere. So, when they emerge on the road beside the river, Kunikida clears his throat, braces himself and asks "Are you alright, Dazai?"

Something twitches in Dazai's face, just for a second, probably out of surprise. Dazai is very good at regaining his composure, though, and soon he looks like nothing is going on.

"Why do you ask?" He glances at Kunikida. Instead of nervousness, there's a tilt of curiosity in his voice.

"You seem off. And I just wanted to know how you're doing, generally."

Maybe it's another example of Kunikida's sight playing tricks with him, but he thinks he notices Dazai clenching his jaw while shaking his head. "Look, I know I didn't do much work today, but–"

"It's not about that" Kunikida says immediately, defensively. He tries to find the right words, he should have them prepared, but it's always more complicated with Dazai. And yet, for some reason Kunikida keeps being stubborn about this. "You're clearly not okay and it's not..."

"Not ideal, huh?" Dazai cuts in, a corner of his lips turning into a mocking smirk, but it seems forced. All this time, Dazai still isn't looking at Kunikida. Maybe it would be easier if he was, if Kunikida could try to figure out what's behind those brown eyes.

He notices Dazai licking his lips, almost nervously, before saying "The thing is, I'm used to it not being okay. Sometimes it's just worse."

His voice. There's something in his voice that evidently gave up the whole "indifference act". It just sounds too tired, like he couldn't care even if he wanted to, because it's a weight too heavy to put on his shoulders. 

And Kunikida understands. He has seen the bandages, he has seen Dazai's scars. And Dazai has seen Kunikida's. Maybe that's why he decided to tell him.

"Like the last few days?" Kunikida asks.

"Like the last few days."

They both let the silence fall between them and continue to walk side by side, listening to the quiet sounds the river or chirping birds make.

It's a pretty, warm day and the sun is slowly beginning to set, the rays hitting the river in a beautiful way. But what captures Kunikida's attention more is how sunlight lays over Dazai's features, how it makes his hair and eyes shine, how it makes him look like something out of this world yet at the same time it places him right here and right now.

Kunikida knows this is important. Important and fragile. And he knows in order to not break anything, Dazai has to help him, has to allow Kunikida to be gentle.

"No one blames you for that. It's nothing wrong" Kunikida says, unable to find better words. Maybe simple is better. 

"And yet you can't help but try to fix this. Fix me." Dazai keeps his eyes on something far away, distancing himself, from Kunikida, from Kunikida's feelings and probably from his own emotions, too.

Kunikida frowns. It hurts, like a hundred small needles stabbing at his sides. But he knows it's supposed to hurt and he doesn't want to give in to the provocation, not today.

"I want to help you, because I want you to feel good. Because that's what people who care about each other do" he says before can act like a coward and back out. And these words finally seem to have some effect on Dazai who actually stops in his tracks. Kunikida stands beside him.

"People like friends and partners. Like me and the rest of the Agency."

That's when Dazai looks at Kunikida for the first time in a while. Kunikida is relieved, yet at the same time his heart beats a little faster like with anxiety. Dazai just stares at him for a moment, reminding Kunikida of the way he was seeking the trap in his offer when they were still at the office. He stares as if he wanted to figure out every one of Kunikida's motives. Perhaps he should, because even Kunikida doesn't know all of them.

Finally Dazai sighs, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck. "I know. And I try to appreciate it, but sometimes it's just... suffocating" he says and Kunikida just nods, unsure what he should do and amazed in a way because this is the most vulnerable Dazai let himself be in quite some time. And he let Kunikida witness it.

"It's still better than it used to be, I think. At least usually" Dazai adds with a shrug. It's clear he's done for now and that's okay for Kunikida, that's more than he could ask for. He knows that for all of Dazai's scheming and his mind working in a way that most people wouldn't be able to understand, he is pretty strange and timid when it comes to feelings, especially his own. Kunikida sometimes thinks Dazai treats them like he's not supposed to be feeling them, like they're a perplexing problem to be fixed. 

But maybe – just maybe – something is starting to slowly change.

"I hope it can be actually good one day" Kunikida says. Then, because he can't just leave it at that "Listen, if you need anything, you know–"

"I know. You remind me very often" Dazai cuts in again, but this time it sounds more light-hearted and his lips form a small smile, not a happy one, more of the melancholic type, but still a smile.

And maybe Kunikida is naive or wishful, but in that moment Dazai's eyes aren't so empty anymore. There's this glint in them, Kunikida can't exactly figure it out. Nevertheless, it makes him hopeful.

"You shouldn't worry so much about me, though." Dazai puts his hands into the pockets of his coat and steps from feet to feet, looking for a way out of this conversation, for a way to make it not about him. Yet still, he doesn't run away.

"Someone has to" is the first thing that comes to Kunikida's mind. Dazai raises a brow and Kunikida feels his face heat up a little, wondering if he said that too fast.

Dazai doesn't comment, only tilts his head as he watches Kunikida. "Just don't forget that you should have someone to take care of you, too."

Before Kunikida realises, there are images popping up in his head showing various situations with one element connecting them all – Dazai. Dazai's arm around Kunikida's waist helping him get home after drinking too much, Dazai's furrowed brows as he's focusing on making something edible for Kunikida when he's too sick, Dazai's chuckle when he put the blanket over Kunikida's shoulder while he was falling asleep at work, Dazai's–

Kunikida blinks a few times before he's too lost in it, knowing he needs to come back to reality immediately.

Thankfully Dazai's voice pulls him away from his thoughts and doesn't let him ponder on them too long. "I'm just saying, because you can be pretty stupid when it comes to that."

Kunikida knows what he means, knows what Dazai is trying to say. Or at least he thinks he does. Either way it makes the inside of his chest warm in a rather pleasant way.

Kunikida is also aware that the time for a vulnerable and open conversation passed. The good thing is, Dazai sounds more teasing than tired now.

"Thanks, you're also an idiot" Kunikida responds flatly.

"I'm right though, your hair will go gray soon if you keep getting worked up about everything."

"Oh, so that's what you're concerned about?" Kunikida rolls his eyes and starts walking again.

Dazai quickly catches up with him. "Not that concerned, to be honest. I think you would look pretty hot" Dazai winks at him. Kunikida spares him a single glare.

"Just shut up."

"I thought you wanted to talk" Dazai says, batting pouting and acting like the most innocent creature in the world.

"I forgot how annoying you are."

"You wound me." Dazai puts his hand on his heart dramatically. Kunikida shakes his head fighting an amused, but also relieved smile – because somehow this didn't end in disaster, didn't effect on Dazai building an even stronger wall around himself. Somehow, Kunikida feels like something shifted in a good away, towards a better direction, despite the fact that after all they just went back to their usual banter.

Kunikida isn't sure what it means yet, but he won't be thinking about it now. Now, the sun is setting down and Dazai's eyes are shining again, even if only a little. And that's what's important.

*

The next day Kunikida offers Dazai the same thing and Dazai agrees once again.

They don't really talk about anything specific this time, just wander through the city letting out anything what's on their mind. Nothing too serious, not too light either. 

It's good. Nice. As if nothing changed, nothing had to change. Familiar, yet strange at once especially with the way Kunikida's eyes can't seem to have enough of Dazai's face these days. One time Dazai catches him staring but just turns away immediately, without any comment, not even a teasing one. It leaves Kunikida a bit confused, a feeling he's gotten used to.

It's getting dark as they walk. The night is peaceful and quiet, the chilly air refreshing, yet filled with something mysterious, too. The moon is almost full. 

In this atmosphere Kunikida finds himself in front of his door, playing with his keys in one hand.

"Do you want to come in?" Kunikida asks not giving it much thought. Then he realises he does actually want Dazai inside his dorm. That's what this unknown feeling accompanying Kunikida through the whole walk was. He does really understands it, but he just wants Dazai close tonight, wants to make him tea, to continue their conversation, to run his fingers through his hair...

Dazai leans against the door, tilting his head, eyes piercing through Kunikida, slowly looking him up and down, not exactly considering the question, but figuring out what it meant, what made Kunikida ask.

It's honestly alarming how Kunikida starts to feel solely under this gaze, without Dazai doing anything. Dazai's eyes seem to be able to break all of Kunikida's defenses on their own. 

Kunikida notices the tip of Dazai's tounge on his bottom lip and he takes a deep breath, recognising another thing he wants.

"I don't know. Do you want me to come in?" Dazai asks leisurely, for sure aware of the effect his voice has on Kunikida.

Kunikida swallows slowly, then braces himself, wanting to pass as unbothered as the other man, deciding to play along.

"Are you going to make it worth my while?" He raises his brow, his voice low and steady, his gaze challenging.

Dazai smirks. This smirk is a trap Kunikida falls into willingly. "I think I can try."

As soon as the door locks behind them, Dazai's lips are on Kunikida's and his cold hands are slowly sliding under his shirt. Kunikida gasps at the sensation, pulling them further into the flat, both of them knowing the way to the bedroom pretty well by now. During their short route, Kunikida helps Dazai lose his shirt while Dazai gets his vest and belt off for him practiced precision.

Still unable to pull away from those devious lips, Kunikida gently lays Dazai on the bed, then gets on it too, hovering over the man. When after a moment Kunikida breaks the kiss to take a breath, he finds Dazai looking at him like there's nothing else in this room, like there's nothing he would rather be looking at right now.

Kunikida's heart clenches, but he ignores it. Instead, he starts trailing kisses down Dazai's throat – that's easier, that has become something Kunikida understands better than some of his own thoughts. And the noises Dazai is making are an amazing distraction, enough to make Kunikida forget about anything disturbing him.

His lips travel to Dazai's chest, his hands to the man's waist. As he leaves the upper half of Dazai's body covered in kisses and some hickeys, his fingers move in soothing circles. The feeling of the bare skin under his hands make his head spin for a moment.

Kunikida looks up, eyes roaming all over Dazai's body. He could never get enough of this sight, of the pale almost porcelain-like skin, of the arched back, of the marks he left, of the sharp edges that create Dazai's figure. There are bandages and scars too, of course they are, but Kunikida could never mind. They're both scarred in their own way. 

"You're so beautiful" he says, unable to stop himself. His lips move down Dazai's body and back up, until he's pressing kisses against his jaw. "You have no idea what you're doing to me."

Kunikida tries to find Dazai's eyes, to hold his gaze as he whispers. That's why he notices something shattering on Dazai's face as the man brings his hand to cup Kunikida's cheek. But just as soon, it disappears. Perhaps it was just Kunikida's imagination. Dazai's eyes are filled with nothing but want as he speaks, lips brushing over Kunikida's.

"Think you could show me?"

Kunikida does because Dazai asked him to, maybe because he trusted him enough. Or maybe he just wanted, needed, and didn't really care. It doesn't matter, Kunikida supposes. What matters is every shiver he feels going through Dazai's body, what matters is every gasp and moan leaving his mouth. What matters is that it's soft and gentle, what matters is that Dazai allows it to be like that, what matters is that it's true – even if only for a moment.

Chapter Text

After a whole day of interviewing suspects and looking around the town, Kunikida can finally enjoy the peaceful atmosphere of his hotel room.

Well, maybe enjoy is a bit of an overstatement.

He's on a case outside Yokohama. Alone, because it's not really that hard, besides Dazai had his own job. Of course Kunikida wouldn't necessarily need Dazai, but considering they're partners, they usually end up together.

Whatever. The case didn't require Dazai. And Kunikida is glad that for once he can spend some time without annoying jokes.

In fact he's so glad that he keeps turning over on the bed, unable to fall asleep. It's quiet, so quiet he has to listen to all the thoughts causing chaos in his head. Kunikida groans quietly, turning on the night lamp. His first instinct is to go over his schedule once again because that always helps to keep things in order. But after reading it once, twice, and the third time, Kunikida has a feeling it might take more than this.

His eyes fall on his phone laying on the bedside table. He presses his lips into a thin line, turning to face the ceiling. It's hard to say what bugs him more – the fact that this idea crosses his mind or that he can't really find anything convincing against it. It's not even that late, after all.

Damn it, before Kunikida can keep thinking about how ridiculous he's acting, he reaches for his phone with a quiet sigh.

Listening to the signal, he throws an arm over his eyes, at this point expecting nothing. But then, someone on the other side picks up.

"Can't go through one mission without your fantastic partner?"

"Dazai" Kunikida says and it sounds like his usual stern voice. But it almost feels like a sigh of relief.

"So, did something happen and you need a rescue mission?" Dazai's voice sounds familiar and playful, yet there's something behind this teasing. There's this knowledge that Kunikida possesses that if he actually did need help, his partner would be there.

"No, it's just..." It's just what? It's just that Kunikida couldn't sleep because he kept thinking about too many things? Because It was too quiet? It's just that a certain person appeared in his mind? It's just that something told Kunikida it might be better if he heard his voice?

Kunikida clears his throat realising he should shut off these thoughts and focus on the conversation. "How is everything at the Agency?"

Dazai chuckles lightly. "It's alright, really. You know it's not going to burn down because you're not there?"

Logically? Yes, Kunikida is aware of that, these people don't need anyone watching over them all the time. But if something happened when he wasn't there, if he wasn't able to help...

"How's the case?" Dazai asks preventing Kunikida from spiralling. 

Kunikida rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. "Good. Mostly good. I think I'll be finished with it earlier than planned" he says but then frowns as a memory from earlier slips into his mind. "One of the witnesses was so uncooperative and he kept saying the most disgusting things about his girlfriend I almost punched him."

It's not really a secret when it comes to his temper, but it also isn't something Kunikida announces proudly. Actually he's working on the opposite most of the time. However, Dazai is Kunikida's partner and he knows a lot about him. Sometimes Kunikida wonders if not too much.

"They really should just send me with you to watch over your temper" Dazai says. Well, technically it often works like that, despite the fact that just as often it's Dazai who gets on Kunikida's nerves. "I would probably let you punch him though" Dazai adds after a moment. Kunikida wonders if he's smiling just like he is.

"You probably would."

It's quiet for a moment, Kunikida can hear Dazai draw a breath. The thoughts from earlier come back to Kunikida's head, all the anxiety that comes with not being close, being unaware what's going on somewhere else, being unable to help–

"Dazai, how are you doing?"

"Okay? I'm telling you we're not all gonna die just because you're out of town, so–"

Kunikida cuts in. "Are you really okay? Or just not the worst?"

Dazai doesn't speak for what feels like eternity. Kunikida can almost imagine his eyes turning cold and then away from Kunikida, making him want to flinch. 

But Dazai isn't here and Kunikida is watching the ceiling counting seconds, waiting for him to finally hang up. However, 

"It's not too bad lately" he hears Dazai's voice. And even though these words aren't technically filled with enthusiasm, Kunikida's heart does feel a bit lighter. "It's really okay" Dazai assures. Kunikida nods out of habit, despite the fact that the other man can't see that. But he's too afraid to say the wrong thing now, now that Dazai stayed instead of running away. 

He waits a few seconds before his mind comes up with something reasonable. "Did you eat today?"

Kunikida can almost see Dazai rolling his eyes. "I thought my nanny would take some time off." Now he's rolling his eyes too. He doesn't expect an honest nice answer.

But Dazai surprises him once again. "Yes, I did. I actually got the inspiration from you and took Atsushi and Kyouka for a dinner with me." Kunikida hears smugness in his voice because Dazai must know how stunned Kunikida is right now. But he also hears something else, something gentle, something happy. That's what makes his heart jump.

"I'm not doing it again until you're back, these kids eat like they never get full" Dazai adds and it just sounds so much like him.

"Oh, well, that's nice" Kunikida says, unable to form a more coherent sentence. Because how does he even convey this strange mix of pride and relief and... and something else, hard to even name? "I'm glad."

Dazai hums. "You know, I can almost hear the gears in your head working" he says, light-hearted to make it sound a bit like a tease but Kunikida knows better. 

He hears Dazai sigh quietly. "Stop worrying so much. It's not worth it." It's said unusually gentle, still stern but with this gentleness in Dazai's voice that makes Kunikida even more confused yet comforted at the same time. As if someone held his hand in a labyrinth but didn't help him to find a way out at all.

Kunikida wishes he could see Dazai now, just to get the tiniest clue about what's on his mind, what exactly isn't worth it, or rather who. But would he be able to read anything from Dazai's face or is he overstimating himself?

Kunikida breathes in deeply. "I'm not worrying. Just... thinking."

"About?" 

"Many things." Too many. Too many to not be dangerous.

Dazai hums again. Something in Kunikida tingles with anticipation.

"About what I'm wearing, perhaps? Well, I could tell you if you asked nicely" Dazai teases, making Kunikida roll his eyes again, more amused than annoyed this time.

"Why the hell did I even call you?" He tries to sound as exhausted as he can. Dazai can probably see right through him anyway, but it's fun, it's their thing. Only theirs.

"Because you missed my voice" Dazai says, more huskily now, lowering his voice on purpose. Whether he knows what he's doing or not (Kunikida supposes he is too aware of it, bastard), Kunikida hopes the way his breath slightly hitches goes unnoticed on the other side. 

"Would you like me to sing you to sleep?" Dazai continues, having too much fun in Kunikida's opinion. He can even imagine the smirk on the other's man lips, this devious smirk, while his eyes would look right into Kunikida's and he would come closer and closer until those lips would brush over Kunikida's ear while he would whisper "Or would you like me to keep you up all night?"

A quiet involuntarily gasp leaves Kunikida's mouth. Probably too quiet to be heard, so when Dazai chuckles it must be about something entirely different. Right?

Kunikida licks his lips, realising how his heartbeat is getting faster. There's a decision to be made and he knows he's hesitating about it. On one hand, why not, for the hell of it, it's already the best part of this day. On the other however, something in Kunikida doesn't want the devil to win this time.

"If I called you because I was missing your voice then what was your reason to answer?" he asks, voice playful. In his imagination, Dazai's smile widens.

"Maybe I hoped you remembered about me, tossing naked in the sheets and realised how much you need this." Kunikida's mind stops at the need part for a second. Because there is something true in it, isn't there? Even if he needed something different than what Dazai's implying.

Kunikida shakes his head trying to focus on Dazai's words. "I was tossing back and forth with this image in my mind."

"So you couldn't sleep?" Kunikida asks, a small smile making its way on his lips while his fingers play with the sheets.

"No, I need something to tire me out, I think." In Kunikida's imagination, Dazai tilts his head and bats his eyelashes at him, and those big brown eyes are shining and Kunikida can't say no. 

Even though his imagination doesn't do reality any justice it's still hard for Kunikida to brace himself, to clear out his head and deny himself.

Yet in the end he succeeds.

"Well, I'm already quite tired so I'm hanging up" he says in a normal, indifferent voice now. A yawn slips out of him, not on purpose, but it adds to the picture.

He kind of expects Dazai to whine but there's silence on the other side. Until...

"You are such an asshole" Dazai mutters, voice grave serious all of a sudden. The change makes Kunikida chuckle.

"And you're annoying" he says, a wide smile on his lips.

"And you still haven't hung up." Dazai in imagination raises a brow, looking at Kunikida as if he knew something more, something Kunikida wanted to know too.

"I'm going to."

"Take your time."

Dazai sounds amused too. Kunikida wonders if he's smiling, if he's also laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about things far away from him. Kunikida wonders why he's waiting for him, why he doesn't hung up himself to turn back at him. Kunikida wonders why it's suddenly so hard for him to hang up, why he's trying to make it longer.

He swallows. It's beginning to feel like a labyrinth again. But Dazai is still on the other side. It's just that it's impossible to say if he's in the same maze or a totally different one.

Finally, Kunikida lets out a deep breath. "Goodnight, Dazai."

"Goodnight, Kunikida" he hears. It's quiet but sounds times louder in Kunikida's head. He waits a second more, not sure why, then hangs up.

It's still quiet and dark. Kunikida is still laying on the hotel bed, staring at the ceiling as if it was something more than just a ceiling. And yet it feels as if something changed. Kunikida is smiling.

He turns over and that's when he realises that The Ideal is still on his lap. He takes it in his hands, looks at it once then puts back on the bedside table. As he turns off the light he notices it's much more peaceful now.

He falls asleep almost immediately.

*

Kunikida has no idea how to explain how he found himself in this position.

Technically, after he came back to Yokohama, Fukuzawa made him take a day off. Kunikida didn't really have a choice so the next morning when he woke up, he figured he could use this day to read the book he started some time ago. Then, in the afternoon, he heard a knock on the door and there was Dazai with some takeout for both of them, asking about the case and just talking about anything, as if he didn't just burst into Kunikida's flat.

That's when things start to get a bit blurry.

They both ate, talked about how the things at the Agency are, Dazai put on some movie, Kunikida got back to his book, maybe a bit to signalise to Dazai that he actually was busy with something. But at the same time he didn't do anything to throw the man out, so there's that.

They were sitting next to each other on the couch. Admittely, yes, they were pretty close. And no, Kunikida didn't mind.

But how and why exactly Kunikida's head is now resting on Dazai's thigh as he's laying on the couch while Dazai's fingers are gently combing through his hair, remains a mystery.

Kunikida expected their meeting to look a little different, yet he doesn't complain. It's pretty nice, to be honest, and for the first fifteen minutes he doesn't wonder about it at all. But then he looks up at Dazai whose eyes are focused on something out of Kunikida's sight, and it hits him.

The first thing on his mind is how soft the touch feels and how Dazai was the one to initiate it. Dazai who often acts as if he built a wall around himself, Dazai who sometimes shields himself from physical touch. Kunikida has noticed lately that something about that is changing, more and more often he feels Dazai close to him in normal day situations, as if it was natural to him.

Not that Kunikida pushes him away.

His head is full of these thoughts when Dazai finally senses him staring and turns his gaze toward him. There's this smile on his lips, one Kunikida would maybe call soft or gentle if it was someone else. But it's Dazai, so Kunikida expects a teasing comment or stupid joke. However, instead–

"I like playing with your hair" Dazai says, not quietly, not like a secret, just like if he was informing Kunikida about any other information. 

Kunikida isn't sure how to react, the fact that his heart beats a little faster doesn't help. So he decides to act unaffected. "Yes, I can tell" he says in a dull voice, raising a brow.

Dazai's smirk turns into something mischievous as he leans towards Kunikida, so close Kunikida can almost feel his breath on his lips, so close Kunikida starts imagining how Dazai's lips will feel, how they will taste and–

"Don't think I haven't noticed how you stare at my hands with that dreamy gaze" Dazai teases. Kunikida opens his eyes, not realising he even closed them, and feels the blush crawling up his neck and spreading on his face, as Dazai pulls back laughing.

"I should just throw you out" he says gritting his teeth and glaring at Dazai

"After I brought you a delicious dinner? You're so ungrateful" Dazai clicks his tounge and shakes his head. Kunikida huffs and turns his gaze away, deciding to ignore the man and go back to his book. However, when he feels Dazai's hand combing through his hair again, so gently and just in the right way, he seems to lose his focus.

The thing is, Kunikida has questions he's not sure if he should ask. He's not sure if he should even have them. But is this a part of their arrangament? Or their friendship? Or something totally else, new or maybe something that has already been here?

Kunikida just doesn't know where exactly are their boundaries and when did they change. Not that there was any drastic change, this is still, well, nothing, but he can't really deny that in the last few months they did get closer. Is this wrong, is this a bad thing? Why would that be a bad thing if they're still friends after all? If it's not a bad thing, then why does it make Kunikida feel anxious in this weird way?

He already often feels like he's doing something he shouldn't, rightfully so. However, this feeling isn't exactly the same anxiety Kunikida has about not following his ideals in a good way, no, this is something hidden much deeper inside him.

He supposes Dazai doesn't have these problems with their deal, doesn't have these weird fears about nothing specific. Dazai probably doesn't care so much, doesn't think it over and over again, and honestly Kunikida should try this attitude, because what else–

"What's the book about?"

What?

Kunikida blinks a few times, slowly getting out of the rabbit hole inside his head. He realises he's been asked a question, but thinks he must've misheard it. Only when he looks up and sees Dazai's expectant gaze he knows it's real.

"You really want to know?" he asks furrowing his brows in confusion. It feels like another one of Dazai's traps, but no, his expression is honest when he shrugs.

"Why not? I was surprised your taste in movies isn't that dull and boring, I want to check your choice of litereature, too" he explains. His fingers are, probably unconsciously, pulling on Kunikida's strands of hair. It feels nice.

"So?" Dazai asks. There's something in his eyes beside curiosity, but Kunikida couldn't figure it out even if he tried.

That's why he goes straight to the point and starts talking. He talks because he knows Dazai will listen, because despite all the questions, that's something he's sure of. 

*

It's been raining for a few days so maybe the storm that came today shouldn't have surprised Kunikida as much as it did.

Maybe.

Cursing under his breath, he runs a hand through his hair and realises it's still a bit damp, even after twenty minutes. He puts the kettle on the stove and takes out two mugs to make tea. 

Ah yes, two mugs. Kunikida offered to drive Dazai to their dorms today. It only seemed fair because for some reason Dazai stayed almost an hour after work in the office with him. He spent most of the time being annoying and trying to make Kunikida forget what he was writing about, but still.

It started raining when they were halfway, and it turned into a downpour as they parked. They still had a two or three minutes walk to their dorms and there was no way they were going to wait it out. And so, Dazai proposed they would race. Kunikida agreed provided that Dazai stays at his place to dry off, because he just knew Dazai wouldn't care about something like that on his own and Kunikida doesn't want to get a call two days later and hear that Dazai can't come to work because he's sick.

So now, Dazai is taking a shower in Kunikida's bathroom, because all of his clothes were too wet. Kunikida gave him some of his own clothes to change and left to dress up in something dry, too.

Finally, Kunikida hears the door closing and steps echoing in the flat. He turns just in time to see Dazai entering the kitchen and–

Oh.

The shirt Kunikida gave him fits Dazai just right in the shoulders, catching attention every time he moves. It's more loose on the waist. The pair of sweatpants he's wearing looks baggy on him and is hanging so tantalizingly low, Kunikida has to turn his gaze away before he gets accused of staring.

Dazai's hair is still damp and messy after the shower, and it looks so fluffy, just asking Kunikida to comb his fingers through it.

Kunikida clears his throat. "Everything alright?" His mouth feels dry as he speaks.

Dazai beams. "Yeah. Thanks by the way. I mean, I would be fine on my own..."

"You wouldn't." 

"...but I really appreciate it."

Kunikida shoots him an unimpressed look. "I just don't want you to miss even more shifts."

Dazai gasps, overly dramatic. "You're heartless."

"And that's why I'm making you tea?" Kunikida says dryly, raising a brow.

"Who knows, maybe you'll poison it."

Kunikida shakes his head with disbelief, chuckling against his will. He sees Dazai wandering in the dorm but ignores it and turns back to the stove. After waiting a few minutes he takes the kettle off and prepares tea – the one with too much sugar for Dazai. He takes both of the mugs and places them on the table in the living room. Dazai notices him but doesn't spare him more than just a glance as he keeps whistling quietly and continuing his task.

The task being going through Kunikida's bookshelves. Kunikida stands by the table, watching Dazai move his fingers on the spines of books he finds interesting. He intends to say something, he really does, but just as he opens his mouth, Dazai reaches up over his head for some book, and his shirt slides up revealing some of the skin on his back. Suddenly all sensible thoughts leave Kunikida's head.

He tries not to look, but if he's not looking at that he's looking at Dazai's hips where the pants are hanging so low it's waking imagination, and if he's not looking at that he's looking at Dazai's slender fingers tapping on the shelves, and if he's not looking at that he's looking at Dazai's neck flexing when Dazai raises his head to look up and if he's not–

Kunikida draws in a slow breath hoping to calm himself down. It's useless, obviously, but he can tell himself he's at least trying. He grips the edge of the table lightly, as if for stability.

It feels kind of like another one of Dazai's pranks, like he's doing this on purpose. Somehow it's even worse than that, because it's so effortless, Dazai doesn't really have to try. The fact that he's in Kunikida's clothes doesn't help the case, adding something weirdly sweet to it all, something that makes Kunikida's heart flutter. He could get used to this sight, probably. Even if it's not possible.

Suddenly Kunikida hears thunder somewhere outside. Quite fitting, because he feels like there's a storm inside him, too.

It's not like he makes any decision, he just walks up right to the bookshelf and leans against it, watching Dazai from even closer now, which unfortunately does nothing good to his brain and heart.

"You've got quite a collection here" Dazai says, glancing at him. "I actually read some of them, you know?"

"Oh. That's nice" Kunikida says, caught a bit off guard but enjoying Dazai sharing this with him. He should ask about it as soon as he clears his mind.

"Impressed?" Dazai grins, leaning towards him. Kunikida watches his long eyelashes falling on his cheeks, his pink lips, his brown eyes shining playfully. Dazai seems to have this force in him that just keeps pulling Kunikida in, because suddenly he realises he's even closer to the man than before.

"Would you like me to be impressed?" Kunikida tilts his head. 

"A little appreciation never hurts" Dazai says, still smiling, but something in his eyes changes when he stares at Kunikida as if looking for clues.

Kunikida chuckles, leaning closer in Dazai's direction. "I appreciate you very much" he says, subconsciously lowering his voice. Or maybe consciously, because why wouldn't he try to be a tease like Dazai.  

It's worth it, because when he looks at the man in front of him, the smile is gone from his face, replaced by a look of astonishment of sorts. 

Kunikida feels light-headed, mostly because of the way Dazai looks at him. "For example" he starts, reaching his hand to gently hold Dazai's chin. He doesn't miss Dazai's gaze sliding down to his lips. He smirks. "I appreciate how you look in these clothes" Kunikida says, looking Dazai up and down once again to indulge himself.

Dazai lets out a quiet gasp through his parted lips. Kunikida's heart is beating faster and faster. He brushes his thumb over Dazai's lower lip, watching Dazai look at him so pliantly, so willingly, Kunikida almost gasps too.

It's too much. It's not enough. Kunikida isn't that patient. He looks up to meet Dazai's expecting gaze. "Dazai, can I–"

"Please" Dazai whispers and both the word he chooses and the way he says it make Kunikida forget about the whole world.

He presses his lips against Dazai's, setting a slow pace, kissing him soft and deeply. Dazai takes a step or two back, until his back hits the shelf. He loops his arms around Kunikida's neck, humming into the kiss, opening his mouth eagerly. Kunikida stills has his hands on his face but he starts slowly moving them down, caressing Dazai's side, hearing him gasp at the contact. He pulls away to let them take a breath, looks up into the brown eyes, staring at him, waiting for whatever he decides with anticipation. Kunikida feels something hot spread inside him 

One of his hands wraps around Dazai's slender waist at the same time he pulls Dazai's lip between his teeth, shivering when he lets out a quiet needy whine. The kiss that follows is faster, more heated, something that makes Kunikida's head spin. He feels a cold hand slipping under his shirt, his own hands are roaming over Dazai's body, lower and lower, until they're on the back of his thighs, and Dazai is pulling away just to start kissing his jaw, and Kunikida has to bite back a groan, and suddenly he needs him even closer, and then without a warning he's lifting Dazai up, pressing him against the shelf.

Dazai gasps loudly, surprised, yet doesn't seem disturbed. Still, Kunikida looks at him carefully and asks "Is this okay?"

Dazai wraps his legs around Kunikida tightly, nods eagerly, breathing out "Yes, yes, yes, please" and Kunikida has no choice but to kiss him senseless.

It's enough to say they both forget about the tea after that.

*

"You don't have to do this" Kunikida says for the third time, more or less.

Dazai raises his brow, unimpressed and Kunikida has to let out a defeated sigh. This time Dazai doesn't even bother debating with Kunikida, he just wordlessly starts to clean the cuts on his face.

The mission didn't go wrong, not terribly wrong at least. In the end everybody lived and that's what's important. Kunikida couldn't care less about his own injuries in that case, especially that they aren't very serious. Not wanting to bug Yosano and feeling tired, he decided to go straight back to the dorms.

Dazai was with him on the mission and for some reason he seemed more concerned with his state. Despite Kunikida assuring he's fine, Dazai lead him to his dorm, sat him down on the couch and went to look for the first aid kit.

Now, he's sitting in front of Kunikida, having already bandaged his hand, and is cleaning the cut on his brow. Kunikida hisses quietly once when the pressure is too hard and Dazai pulls away mutterring an apology. When he goes back to his task he's more gentle, so gentle it's confusing and the same could be said about how close he is. Kunikida can't decide whether he should be looking at Dazai or not, which leads to him turning his gaze away every now and then.

When he does look at Dazai, he seems utterly focused, tounge peeking of the corner of his lips, a habit Kunikida noticed some time ago.

Kunikida misses the moment Dazai's fingers move to his chin, holding him in place as he examines Kunikida's state. Finally, Dazai catches Kunikida's gaze, but he doesn't say anything – in fact, for a moment they just stare at each other in silence. Dazai's thumb smooths over a bruise, just under Kunikida's lips, almost making him shiver. He needs to get himself together immediately. It's hard to say at this point if Kunikida wants this moment to last or if it's getting too suffocating.

He doesn't have to worry about it in the end. Dazai scoffs, breaking the silence, as he looks Kunikida up and down.

"At least you still look good. It would be a shame if you were terribly stupid and ugly" he says with a teasing smirk. Kunikida rolls his eyes.

"Why do you even care?" he asks. There are moments when Kunikida thinks he can see the cracks on Dazai's mask and this is one of them. But, like usual, it's gone as soon as Kunikida finds it and tries to get a good look.

"Why do you not?" Dazai is making his voice sound playful, but Kunikida doesn't buy it this time, he knows it's meant turn his attention from the crack he saw.

Or maybe it all was his imagination. Either way, he's too tired for this bullshit. "If you're here to just laugh at me and make jokes, then–"

"It's not a joke, though. You are an idiot. Walking into a falling building? Really?" 

"Well, you walked after me" Kunikida says defensively. Once again this day he feels dumbfounded by this fact. Dazai walked after him. Kunikida isn't sure why his brain chose exactly that to fixate on. After all, Dazai is his partner, has been for some time, it's their job. Sure, maybe Kunikida just didn't expect him to do that, but it's...

It's nothing.

"Someone had to get your ass out of there before you could do something even more stupid." Dazai shrugs indifferently. Sometimes Kunikida is thankful for his pose because it helps convincing himself that this doesn't mean anything. Well, not convincing himself, since he isn't denying any truth. More like reminding.

"It's not stupid. What if there was someone in there?" Part of Kunikida wants to get angry and have a fight over this, but reasonably he knows they're both worn out and not in a mood for something like that. So the usual bitter bickering it is.

"You can't save everyone" Dazai says firmly, looking at Kunikida. His eyes seem dark.

"Not if I don't try. And what's the point then?" They've been over this already, Kunikida knows he won't convince Dazai. He isn't even trying. He's not justifying himself either, he has no reason to. He's just... Maybe he just wants Dazai to understand. Not even accept it, just understand.

Or maybe Kunikida just wants to get it off his chest, tell someone how he sees it and this someone right now is Dazai. The fact that he listens is another thing.

"Sometimes there's actually no point. And you try your hardest anyway. It's not going to bring you anything good" Dazai says, voice serious and quiet. He looks down for a second and there's this unreadable expression on his face. Should Kunikida even try to figure it out? Probably not. But he wants to. More and more with every day.

Suddenly Dazai looks up at him. He looks as if he was looking at Kunikida and somewhere totally else, far away, at the same time. He puts his hand on Kunikida's chest, on the left side. Where his heart is.

"This thing is going to kill you one day" he says and there's something in his voice, this weird mix of frustration and melancholy, a bitter certainty. It makes Kunikida's throat clench.

But after a few seconds, he breathes in deeply. He looks at Dazai, the deep brown eyes that are simultaneously locked on his face and somewhere Kunikida's not allowed to be. He looks at the hands that were caressing his injuries a while ago, he looks at the face he saw in the falling building and thought it's fine.

Kunikida moves his hand, the bandaged one, wraps it around Dazai's wrist and pulls lightly. His heart skips a bit when Dazai gets the message and leans closer.

"I don't think that's what's going to kill me" Kunikida whispers now that their faces are inches apart. Kunikida is grateful he doesn't miss how Dazai's eyes slip to his lips.

Dazai tilts his head. His eyes, these bewitching eyes, locked with Kunikida's, don't move away even for a mere second. There's so much in these eyes, so many secrets to find out, mysteries to solve, desires to fullfil. It's almost overwhelming but for some reason Kunikida's heart beats faster. "Then what is?"

You, Kunikida thinks but doesn't allow himself to say, You are going to be the death of me.

Instead, Kunikida kisses Dazai who gasps and reciprocates immediately. Soon enough Kunikida is pulling him onto his lap, encouraged by a satisfied hum that Dazai lets out at the same time he's pushing his fingers through Kunikida's hair. 

Kunikida kisses Dazai with more heat and energy than he thought he had, as if he's trying to give him everything he can. Dazai leans even closer, clearly happy with his place on Kunikida's lap. Kunikida holds his hip with one hand, fingers tightening when Dazai bites his lower lip.

Just like that the conversation from earlier turns into a concert of gasps, moans, pleas. All this time Dazai's hand is still on Kunikida's chest, over his heart. 

*

Dazai is playing some prank on Atsushi, Kunikida is sure of that. Atsushi doesn't know this man well and long enough to know what this glint in his eyes mean or to sense just how mischievous his smile is. Although he does seem a bit wary, so maybe there's no need to worry that much.

Kunikida is observing these two from the other side of the office when he hears crunching before even noticing the presence of the man next to him.

"So you two are still at it, huh?" Ranpo asks. Kunikida looks at him once, confused, but the realisation downs on him when Ranpo nods towards Dazai.

Kunikida rubs a hand over his face and sighs. "Look, I know there's no way to hide this from you, but please keep this to yourself. It's a private matter" he says. Ranpo looks at him and there's something in his eyes for a second, something much nicer than what gets out of his mouth.

"Whatever, this will probably get more interesting without any intervention." Ranpo shrugs while stuffing his mouth with chips. Kunikida almost shivers at the thought that his life might be an equivalent of a soap opera to this man.

"I have my own dumb problem anyway" Ranpo says, or rather mumbles with his mouth full. His shoulders slump down a little and the detective suddenly looks more grumpy. Kunikida knows about Ranpo's love conquests concerning one American writer – honestly, everyone at the Agency knows, Ranpo's rather loud when he's complaining.

"Maybe you should just ask him out, I'm sure he would agree" Kunikida says with sympathy. 

"First of all, I tried that but he's too oblivious. Also, I'm not taking advice from someone who's making heart eyes at the guy that was constantly drowning in the river not that long ago."

Kunikida furrows his brows until he realises what Ranpo means. He can feel his face warming up as he looks in the direction where Dazai is currently laughing with Atsushi. He's rarely laughing so openly, and honestly it doesn't sound too bad and Kunikida almost wants to know what got him to laugh like this, to smile so wide and warm as he puts his arm over Atsushi's shoulder. 

Kunikida shakes his head, returning to his conversation with Ranpo. "This has nothing to do with heart eyes" he says firmly. He almost laughs at how absurd this idea is. "And heart eyes don't have anything to do with Dazai."

Ranpo wordlessly lifts up one brow, visibly unconvinced, looking at Dazai once, then back at Kunikida. Kunikida can feel his judgement in his bones.

"You're both so stupid you deserve each other" Ranpo decides, patting Kunikida on the back and walking away in a different direction. Kunikida opens his mouth and closes it immediately because he doesn't really have anything smart to say. 

His eyes move to Dazai again and he catches the other man's gaze for a second, only a second, then he turns away, deciding he has work to do.

It's absurd, he thinks, going through the files at his desk. Really, the situation is rather funny. Turns out even the all-knowing detective can be mistaken sometimes.

Unfortunately, Kunikida doesn't feel like laughing.

*

Dazai didn't come to work. At first Kunikida just thought he's sleeping in, but when an hour passed, he decided to call the man. Dazai picked up after the third time, saying he's not coming today and hanging up before Kunikida could ask anything.

It fills Kunikida with worry, to say the least.

He spends the day trying to do his work, but he catches his thoughts wandering off to Dazai way too often to focus. There's still an hour to end the shift, when Kunikida decides he can't wait any longer.

On his way to the dorms, Kunikida steps by a grocery shop. If Dazai doesn't tell him anything or doesn't even let him in, he will leave the bag by his door. That way he can feel he at least tried to get Dazai to eat. Something tells him Dazai didn't care about it himself.

When Kunikida's finally at Dazai's door he feels the worry spreading inside him. But he's also determined, so after taking a deep breath he knocks on the door. Then again. And again. He tries calling Dazai on the phone but it doesn't help either.

Maybe he should just leave, ignore it. However, Kunikida isn't the one to give up so easily, even if it doesn't always end well for him. And he's not the one to leave Dazai like that, whatever it might mean.

He calls one last time and when that fails he puts his hand on the knob. The door opens without any resistance. Oh. Well that was easy.

"Dazai?" Kunikida calls out walking into the dorm. It's messy but that's not really a surprise, is it? He decides to set the shopping bags on the kitchen table while calling for Dazai relentlessly.

He walks out of the kitchen, feeling uneasy yet relieved when he finally hears steps, and there he is, standing in front of Kunikida.

Dazai looks... miserable. There are bags under his bloodshot eyes, his face is pale, he seems like even walking takes too much of his energy. He's wearing a hoodie and has a blanket thrown over his shoulders.

Kunikida comes up to him, slowly and not too close, even after all this time still afraid of making Dazai run away and hide.

Dazai looks at him and his eyes are so incredibly sad and hollow, Kunikida's heart clenches. Dazai gives an impression like he's already given up. He sighs deeply, waving his hand like he doesn't care about anything in the world. "You come here to fuck me or to give me a lecture and I'm not really in the mood for either, so you can go."

Kunikida flinches against his will. But he gathers himself up quickly, used to Dazai's tactic by now. He knows it's his first instinct to make him go away, to bite and scare him off. However, Kunikida was prepared for getting hurt. It doesn't sting that much anymore.

"You didn't come to work" Kunikida says. It sounds like bullshit and honestly he's had enough of leaving some things unsaid, especially if they're obvious. "I was worried."

Dazai rolls his eyes. "You're always worried. It doesn't mean anything" he says dryly and turns to leave. Kunikida can't let him, because he knows deep down Dazai doesn't really want to be left alone. He just feels like he's falling and doesn't want to take anyone with him. Well, Kunikida is falling anyway.

He catches Dazai's wrist. The action stops Dazai who turns back to him and finally there's something more on his face, a sign of emotions. Kunikida just stares at him, unsure what to say when his gaze drops to the wrist he's holding. The sleeve has rolled up, exposing the set of new bandages, already getting dirty with blood.

Kunikida can't tear his eyes off this sight for a second, feeling something almost physically painful spreading inside him. He looks up at Dazai whose eyes are glued to the floor, refusing to look at Kunikida. 

"Dazai?" he says quietly, trying to get his attention. 

Dazai huffs. It sounds as if he's too tired to even be properly frustrated or angry. "I told you I'm not in the mood for a lecture–"

Kunikida cuts him off by pulling him closer and wrapping his arms around him. He can feel Dazai tense but as he starts moving his hands in soothing circles on Dazai's back, the man slowly relaxes into his touch, resting his forehead against Kunikida's shoulder.

Kunikida doesn't know how long they spend like this, how long he tries to ignore his heart aching at seeing how exhausted Dazai is. But he would lie if he said he didn't also think about how Dazai allowed Kunikida to see him like this. He slowly pulls away, not too far, but enough that Dazai looks up at him. 

"Go change these" Kunikida says motioning at the bandages "and I will make something to eat."

Kunikida almost expects a fight, Dazai shutting himself off, telling him to leave for good. But it doesn't come this time. 

"I hate you" Dazai murmurs. It lacks passion, it lacks genuiness, it's said only because it's the easy way. 

But when Kunikida looks into Dazai's eyes, still terribly sad and tired, he can see how this is going to go – him making the dinner, telling Dazai it's important to eat something, Dazai poking at his plate, trying to eat or telling him he will finish later (and Kunikida will make sure of it). Then they'll probably end up on the couch, Dazai buried in his blankets or sharing one with Kunikida, Dazai putting on some movie neither of them will watch but at least the background noise will be a nice break from the suffocating silence.

Or maybe it's going to be one of these days when Dazai talks to Kunikida, even shares something about what happened, or at least tries to argue with him before realising they're both too tired for that. And then Dazai is going to lean against Kunikida's shoulder while Kunikida combs his fingers through his hair, neither of them saying anything, just feeling a bit better that the other one is still here. And Dazai isn't going to thank him verbally, he will just look at him meaningfully telling Kunikida he's too good, and Kunikida will wonder why his heart is hurting in this specific way while Dazai will slowly fall asleep, warm body next to Kunikida's.

Kunikida can see all of this because at this point it's terribly familiar. 

"The feeling's mutual" he says with a sigh. There's something in Dazai's eyes, some kind of understanding, that tells Kunikida they're both aware of their roles in this farce.

*

It's never easy coming here, facing all of his worst failures, but it's something that needs to be done, that Kunikida owns these people. Because they were people first and foremost, not just the results of his mistakes.

He watches the flowers he has put on the grave, breathing in deeply. It's a nice, sunny day. Somehow it helps when his mind starts getting too clouded with gloomy memories.

Kunikida thinks about going home, having spent a lot of time here already. Not enough, it can never be enough, but it's the least he can do. 

His eyes roam over the cemetary, recognising the few people that have passed him. But then, there on the hill, Kunikida notices a figure he hasn't seen here before. A figure too familiar to miss. 

And apparently that person is looking right at him.

Kunikida's unsure what he should do so he just stands there, looking back at Dazai. Finally Dazai nods at him and it seems like an invitation, so Kunikida, hesitantly but still, goes in that direction.

He stops beside Dazai, glancing at him from the side. Dazai's facing the gravestone that reads Oda Sakunosuke.

Kunikida licks his lips hesitantly, watching Dazai who finally turns to look at him. He nods, as if he knew exactly what's going on in Kunikida's head.

"Who's that?" Kunikida asks quietly. He still can't quite believe he's here, so close to Dazai, not in the literal meaning. And for some reason, Dazai is allowing him to get even closer.

Dazai smiles. It's a sad smile. Everything about Dazai is so profoundly sad. "My friend. He was a good man" he says and in his voice Kunikida can hear how much this means for him, he hears and understands why Dazai came here and why he comes here so often, considering what Atsushi once told him.

Dazai sighs, a small grimace appearing on his face. "Too good, to be honest. Making stupid decisions by letting his heart choose for him." He looks at Kunikida like he was trying to figure something out. Or like he already solved a mystery. 

"He would like you" he says. Kunikida feels in his heart how genuine it is. He opens his mouth yet stays silent, too scared to break this moment.

Dazai puts his hands in the pockets, gaze back at the engraved name, tilting his head as if he was having a conversation with the gravestone. Kunikida sees echoes of the pain and guilt on his face, being all too familiar with them.

"You know, I left Port Mafia because of him. Because he told me to save people" Dazai says, sounding a bit bitter – at Oda, at himself, at the fate, who knows. Kunikida understands.

"I think he would be proud of you" he says after a moment. It's something he needs to let out, to let Dazai know, even if Dazai just shrugs with evident disbelief.

"Well, I think he believed in me too much."

When Kunikida looks at Dazai, he realises how frail, despite everything, Dazai can be at times, how lost he must feel. 

"You're better than you think, Dazai" he says. He knows Dazai is listening even if he doesn't make any move. "You changed, I've seen you change. And you do save people." 

They're standing close to each other, their hands touching. Kunikida softly brushes Dazai's palm with his own, on purpose, making sure Dazai knows his intention. There's no visible reaction except for Dazai's gaze moving to look at Kunikida for a second. Kunikida looks back, slowly interwining their fingers. He watches Dazai for any sign of protest. At first there's no sign of aby reaction. 

However, this seems to bring Dazai back from a trance. He looks at their joined hands once then at Kunikida. For someone known for making their face unreadable by putting on so many asks, right now Dazai's eyes are so open, full of so many feelings and emotions that it punches the air out of Kunikida's lungs.

Dazai chose Kunikida to see it, trusted him to find out this story. For whatever reason this may be, that's a case for another day. What's important is that Kunikida is here, beside him.

He gently squeezes their joined hands and can't help but feel something warm spreading inside him when Dazai squeezes back after a few seconds. 

He looks at Dazai. Even if in his eyes there is this urge to run or hide, Dazai chooses to stay. Kunikida wonders why, for a moment, but it's pointless in the end, isn't it? As if he could ever guess what's on Dazai's mind.

So instead he decides to keep all his attention on the fact that he stayed.

"You are with the Agency and the Agency is with you" he says, meaning every word, aware it's not going to get to Dazai right away, but maybe it will be somewhere in the back of his head at least. Maybe one day he will actually believe in it. "I don't know how it would be without you" he admits quietly, suddenly feeling vulnerable, unsure what exactly he means, maybe even afraid of what he might have subconsciously revealed.

Dazai listens to him, doesn't tease or joke, doesn't tell him to shut up, doesn't put on an indifferent mask. In the end, he just smiles. It's a small soft smile, full of such melancholy Kunikida's heart clenches.

"You would do fine, Kunikida" Dazai whispers. His eyes are looking somewhere far in the distance, somewhere Kunikida can't reach. Dazai sighs quietly and leans his head against Kunikida's shoulder in a tired manner. "Just fine."

Kunikida feels something inside him break. He wants to tell Dazai he's wrong, he wants to ask him what exactly he means, why he thinks so. Kunikida wants to ask himself why it matters so much for him, why it's making him so uneasy to hear about Dazai not being around.

And yet, in the end, Kunikida doesn't say anything. He lets Dazai rest against him, feeling his hand in his own, both of them being in a needed silence, alone but together.

*

Kunikida forgot about something, he's sure. And if he didn't forget, he definitely did something wrong and will have to fix that. There's still a bunch of paperwork on his desk, he should probably get to it, do something useful, just do something–

Kunikida tries to shake off these thoughts for at least a moment, to not think about anything else than hot lips he can feel on his throat, the hand sliding under his shirt, the nails grazing his chest lightly. He tries to focus, to listen to what Dazai is whispering before biting his earlobe, yet this uneasy feeling inside him steals all of Kunikida's attention.

Suddenly it all stops. Kunikida opens his eyes to see Dazai pull away from him with a puzzled expression.

They're both laying on the couch, well technically Dazai is laying on Kunikida. Kunikida lost track of time, if he's honest so it's hard to say when exactly he drifted off.

Dazai doesn't move far from him, Kunikida can still feel his body weight, and it's somewhat calming. The opposite of calming is Dazai's gaze, piercing into Kunikida, the brown eyes examining him carefully.

"What's wrong?" he asks finally. "I can see you're somewhere else."

Something uneasy shifts in Kunikida, something like disappointment and embarrassment. "Sorry."

Dazai frowns at that, looking as if he was expecting something more. When he realises it's not going to happen, he shakes his head.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to" he says, looking at Kunikida so carefully like he's making sure the man understands him. "But if you do..." the rest is unsaid but Kunikida recognizes it in Dazai's voice, in Dazai's eyes. I'm here.

He sighs deeply, rubbing the back of his hand over his eyes. "It's just... this week has been a lot."

That's an understatement. Fukuzawa had a series of important meetings out of Yokohama so Kunikida was replacing him in charge of the Agency. Somewhere deep down he knows why, he knows it's reasonable, he knows nothing bad happened, the Agency functioned efficiently, all the new cases were solved – and yet Kunikida can't help this feeling like he hasn't done enough, like he's not good enough. It's suffocating, like if there was a rope tightening around his throat and all he could do was panic but he couldn't, not really, because there was still so much work to do.

He sighs again. "I still need to write some reports and..."

Dazai cuts in. "Maybe you should rest instead." 

"It's my duty, I'm–" Kunikida starts but there's a gulp in his throat. He turns his head to look away from Dazai. Kunikida won't be able to bear seeing disappointment or pity in his eyes.

"What if it shouldn't be me, Dazai? What if Im not the right person for this?" he asks quietly, finally voicing his worries.

It's quiet for a moment and Kunikida wants to hide, to run, no he wants to forget about all of this, turn back time and just keep his mind busy with Dazai, he wants this to not mean anything, he wants Dazai to leave, he wants him to stay, close, he wants Dazai to make him stay, to make this matter.

He's a mess. But Dazai is still here. Kunikida feels his hands on his cheeks, stroking the skin softly.

"You are the best person for this spot" Dazai says. Kunikida finally dares to look at him and he sees nothing even resembling pity. No, Dazai is sure of what he's saying, and what he's saying is so genuine it makes Kunikida's heart clench. "You're responsible and smart and just simply kind. And you're so determined you're not going to let yourself fail."

Kunikida wonders for a second if that's how Dazai sees him. If perhaps the cynic, despite laughing at the foolish idealist, admires him in some ways. If besides everything that differs them they simply know each other so well.

Maybe Dazai notices it, that Kunikida understands, because he continues in a firm tone. "But you can't take everything on your shoulders. You're not alone, Kunikida. Everyone at the Agency thinks you're going to be great in this role, and everyone will be there for you, to help."

Kunikida knows this, deep down, but hearing Dazai say it out loud with such certainty makes it a bit easier to believe.

Somehow Kunikida's hands finds Dazai's. He smooths his thumb over Dazai's palm, almost like a thank you.

"You too?" Kunikida asks, not because he doesn't know the answer but because it's the only thing he's able to say.

Dazai's soft smile is the best answer he could get. 

"If you keep buying me lunch, I'll think about it." He shrugs and his eyes shine in this wonderful way and his smile is so genuine and playful and Kunikida almost loses his breath.

Without a second thought he pulls Dazai towards him and kisses him, soft and deep, as if Dazai was his only anchor in the ripping storm.

Dazai hums and kisses back, one of his hands sliding down his body. Kunikida keeps his hands on Dazai's face, caressing it like something precious as the kisses start becoming more and more hungry once again.

Kunikida still feels the heat from earlier but now it's better, hotter, it's more real. He wants Dazai, he wants him so much. Just to be there with him, to make Kunikida stay, to keep him steady. It's like a need to have him close, to feel him close, so his troublesome heart might calm down a bit around comforting presence.

He lets out a quiet moan when Dazai bites his lip before moving to the spot below his jaw that Dazai knows all too well. Kunikida slides one of his hand down Dazai's back, feeling him leaning into his touch, so eager, so responsive, his body so warm against Kunikida's.

"Let me take care of you, hm?" Dazai whispers, lips brushing against Kunikida's skin. Kunikida nods eagerly as he feels clever fingers fumbling with his belt. 

He wants this, he wants Dazai, he wants everything. Because for some reason as long as Dazai is close, everything else slowly fades away.

*

"Please, please, please, Kunikidaaa~"

Kunikida looks at Dazai, unimpressed by his whining. Impatient as usual, thinking begging and batting his eyelashes will do anything.

If this was any other time Kunikida wouldn't give in so easily. But unfortunately besides Dazai's tricks, there's also Atsushi nodding eagerly and Kyouka staring at Kunikida with these big eyes.

Kunikida sighs, officially defeated. "I guess we could stop by."

Dazai cheers and Atsushi has a wide smile on his face as he takes Kyouka's hand and soon enough they both disappear into the night market.

They were all coming back from a case when they approached it and Kunikida didn't really have any deteours scheduled but seeing his younger coworkers' reaction makes him think it's alright.

And now he's left alone with Dazai who's smiling at him smugly. "You can't deny, I'm pretty persuasive."

Kunikida rolls his eyes. "You're pretty stubborn and manipulative."

"What? All I hear is that you think I'm pretty." Dazai grins at him starts heading towards the market. Kunikida shakes his head but can't help the small chuckle that leaves him.

It's nice, Kunikida thinks as they walk through the market. The night is warm, full of happy noises and smell of food. And Dazai looks happy too.

They keep walking up to the stalls, sharing the snacks Kunikida bought, talking about everything and nothing. All this time, Kunikida can't keep his eyes off Dazai, the way his usually sharp features look so soft in the warm lighting, the way he gestures ferociously while telling a story, the way he's humming while eating a sweet bun.

Yes, it's nice.

Kunikida feels warmth spreading inside his chest, familiar and strange at once. He knows there's something more to the way his heart flutters whenever Dazai laughs at something he said or when he bumps his shoulder into Kunikida playfully.

Maybe he should let this go tonight, try to keep it out of his head. They both know it's nothing like a few months ago, they're both aware of what's going on. But perhaps it doesn't matter now, Kunikida supposes. They're having fun together. That's what friends do, right?

They've been walking quietly for a while, just taking in the atmosphere, enjoying the company in silence. Kunikida has to stop himself from staring at Dazai's profile too much, at the soft smile on his lips, at his flushed cheeks. However, unless Kunikida imagined it, whenever he looks away, he notices Dazai looking back.

They walk close to each other and so their hands brush over time to time. Suddenly there's an urge in Kunikida to take Dazai's hand, hold it in his own. Should he? Could he? Would Dazai let him if Kunikida didn't have any other reason than just wanting to?

He isn't given an answer because Dazai rushes forward to some game stall, pointing a finger in the prizes direction, at the biggest teddy bear there.

"I will win you this one" he announces. Kunikida raises a brow as Dazai takes his place to throw the ball at the wall of canes. Before throwing the first ball he winks at Kunikida who doesn't even hide his amusement this time.

Dazai loses spectacularly. However, Kunikida still feels like a winner, watching Dazai pout and complain that the game's rigged. His heart is still beating fast at the thought that Dazai wanted to win something for him, even if only as a joke. 

Eventually Dazai starts smiling again and he notices another stall he wants to visit and then Kunikida feels a hand grabbing his wrist and pulling him through the crowd. And there, as he listens to Dazai's laugh, Kunikida can feel his head spin and his heart overflowing with something fond, something he's not exactly sure friends feel.

*

It's after midnight and Kunikida can't sleep. He can't even stay in bed anymore because the mindless turning over started to get on his nerves. And so he got up to to make himself tea.

With the mug in one hand and his notebook in the other, he sits down in the armchair. Going through the Ideal helps him calm down most of the time, reminds Kunikida what he's working for and that he's on the right track.

However, lately... well lately it hasn't been so easy. Which doesn't mean it's not worth a try.

First, Kunikida goes through his schedule for the next days once again, making sure everything is in order. That makes him a little more peaceful but still doesn't cease all the thoughts ravaging in his head.

Kunikida starts mindlessly flipping the pages until he stops on the one particular entrance. His ideal woman.

A quiet, muffled laugh leaves his mouth. He probably shouldn't laugh, though. Yes, it is a bit amusing considering... well, everything, but technically Kunikida is still set on fullfiling this ideal, finding the right person, living the right life.

Everything else is just a distraction, something he lets himself indulge in until the right time comes and he's good enough to throw it away. 

Right?

He looks over the list. Yes, it is a bit exaggerated and he can understand all the laughs it got. Kunikida's aware how absurd it sounds and he doesn't fool himself that these are advantages a real person can have. Not all of them, definitely. The truth is, these are more like clues, guiding him to find someone as close to the ideal as possible.

But as Kunikida keeps reading the list, he knits his brows, rubbing fingers on his temple. For a moment he wonders if he has changed so much lately or if he has just realised some things about himself. Whatever it is, Kunikida can see that these ideas aren't exactly his desires. These are the things he should want. But what does he actually want?

He leans back in his chair, fixing his gaze on the ceiling, thinking for a moment. 

Physical appearance isn't really that important, he will know if he sees something he likes. Kunikida guesses he wouldn't mind longer soft hair he could comb his fingers through. Warm deep eyes he could get lost in. A nice smile. Someone whose body would just fit with his like a puzzle piece, perhaps someone a bit shorter than Kunikida.

Kunikida breathes in deeply. What else? What do I want? Well, 

He wants someone he could trust with his life. Someone that knows him so well it's comforting and scary at the same time. Someone he can communicate with even without words. Maybe not someone as devoted to his ideals as Kunikida is because that's hard, but someone who understands his devotion at least.

It should be someone who's familiar with his field of work, who knows how his world looks. Someone who makes him break his habits from time to time but respects them, too. Someone who makes Kunikida laugh, makes him excited, makes him shiver with anticipation. Someone he feels safe and good enough to just sit in silence with them, doing nothing particular, just enjoying the other's presence. He wants someone he can show his weaknesses to, he wants someone he will know so well and never get bored of discovering something about them, he wants... 

An image flashes in his mind consisting a soft smile and a pair of warm brown eyes. He almost hears a well-known laughter, too.

Kunikida sucks in a sharp breath and shakes his head, trying to get rid of this image before it escalates into something that just isn't right.

He sits there dumbfounded staring at his notebook. Finally, he decides to write it off as lack of sleep. But he has to acknowledge that slips like this habe been happening more and more often for some time now.

Kunikida refuses to think about what it might mean, why every time his mind brings this up something uneasy shifts in his stomach. In the end it's just a slip, a misstep on his path to something better.

Every time he tells himself that it sounds less and less convincing. Especially because Kunikida finds it hard to actually imagine anything better.

He rubs a hand over his face feeling even more exhausted now. Well, that definitely took a wrong turn. But these are just thoughts, after all. 

It's a totally different thing, that Kunikida can be terrible with thoughts, especially the disordered ones. So at last he decides to put his attention into something clear and understandable. He looks through his schedule again, feeling that nothing else could help him calm down now.

In the end, Kunikida doesn't sleep a wink.

*

"So good, sweetheart" Dazai whispers right into his ear, fingers sinking into the skin of his thigh and Kunikida can't stop the shaky moan leaving his mouth.

He's pinned to the bed under Dazai's hot body and right now, he wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Dazai's skin against his is making the blood in his veins burn so sweetly, and Dazai knows him so well, knows exactly what to do to make him ask for more.

The pet names are relatively new, first meant to be just teasing, but unfortunately they do work on Kunikida. He slides his nails over Dazai's shoulder as the man's lips move to his throat and lower, sucking bruises on his collarbone, his chest.

Kunikida's head is spinning, he feels out of this world, he has never felt anything more real. He moves his hands to Dazai's nape then into his hair, feeling the other man moan against his skin, as he keeps doing everything just right, just the way Kunikida wants, needs.

And that's the the thought that's bugging Kunikida like an itch under his skin – that lately he has started needing Dazai on his own, not just this, not just what Dazai does. No, Kunikida needs him.

He's a mess. All the coherent thoughts left him already as he pulls Dazai by his hair to look in the brown eyes that are the source of his doom. And oh, isn't Dazai a sight, with his face flushed so adorably, with lips so swollen, with sweaty and messed up hair. And these eyes, wide open and looking at Kunikida as if they couldn't see the world beside him.

Kunikida's heart skips a bit. Oh, he's really a mess.

"Osamu" he hears himself say. It's subconscious, something that slips out of his control and he only realises what he's done when Dazai stares at him blankly, mouth parting and eyes widening. 

Shit, he's gone too far. He swallows slowly, worry rising inside him. He prepares to apologise, because why would he do something so stupid, why would he cross this line, why didn't he think, why does Dazai makes him lose his self-control so much, why–

"Say that again" Kunikida hears, which finally gets him out of his mind. Dazai is hovering above him, hands on either side of his head, caging Kunikida, however Kunikida doesn't feel like in a trap. Quite the opposite actually.

Dazai is breathing heavily through his parted mouth. Kunikida can now see the blush spreading up to his ears and his pupils dilating. 

Kunikida can't believe he's allowed to see this.

He keeps his eyes focused on Dazai, who leans even closer, so close that Kunikida feels his lips brushing over his as Dazai whispers "Please, baby."

Kunikida groans heavily and pulls Dazai into a deep bruising kiss, breaking it only to call out Dazai's name again and again and feel the shiver going through his body.

And when Dazai looks at him, this hungry look that's hiding something more, something Kunikida hasn't figured out yet, when he starts moving again, when all of this starts feeling too good to be nothing, that's when Kunikida wonders if perhaps he was doomed from the start.

*

"Just don't break it."

"I won't, you're paranoid."

Kunikida turns his unimpressed gaze towards where Dazai is sitting at the other end of the kitchen counter. "What are you even doing here?"

"I'm the moral support." Dazai beams proudly, still relentlessly turning the knobs on the old radio he found somewhere in Kunikida's cabinet. 

Kunikida decides not to comment, instead focusing on his own task. Today was a good day because the Agency closed a big case. Everyone agreed this called for a celebration, although Kunikida wasn't really in a mood for anything too big. That's why he proposed he would make dinner at his place and everyone agreed eagerly. 

So, now he's here. With Dazai. 

As he's putting a pan on the stove he can't help but feel the intensive gaze watching his every move. He glances at Dazai. "What?"

Dazai tilts his head, speaking over the static noises the radio makes. "You're just simply so kind aren't you?"

Kunikida almost drops the pan. He doesn't know why these words have such an effect on him, or maybe it's the way Dazai says them, with something like wonder. Dazai is looking at him as if he was trying to solve a puzzle, or like he just solved one. 

Kunikida knits his brows with confusion. "What do you mean? It's not an act of kindness to spend time with your friends" he says, pulling out a knife to start cutting some vegetables. A memory slips into his mind and he points the knife in Dazai's direction. "Besides, I remember how just yesterday you called me cruel only because I told you to do your work."

"You also threatened to strangle me" Dazai adds with a wide grin. It turns into something softer, more genuine in. "But that's different, everyone knows that even if you're being stern or angry, you have good intentions. You care."

Kunikida stands there, opening his mouth and closing it, unsure what to say. The genuiness in Dazai's voice makes his head spin. Suddenly it hits him how well Dazai understands him. How he perceives him in such a profound way.

"I... Thank you, I guess" he manages to say finally. Dazai looks at him once then turns back to playing with the radio, his hair covering his eyes.

Kunikida thinks that's it, but then he hears a quiet voice "I just sometimes wonder why would someone like you even... well, nevermind" Dazai sighs, not looking at Kunikida, probably hoping he would ignore this.

For Kunikida Dazai is a mystery that confuses him more than anything else. He doesn't pretend to have him figured out, however, after all this time he recognizes some things, some troubling thoughts Dazai doesn't usually share. After all this time, Kunikida knows Dazai. At least a little bit.

And it does frustrate him sometimes, hearing this specific kind of doubt and guilt in his voice. But he has to approach this without scaring Dazai away.

"Are you fishing for compliments? What about when you were doing shopping for Yosano for a week because she had too much work? Or when you took Kyouka and Atsushi to the zoo only because they said they've never been to one?" Kunikida starts listing. When Dazai looks up and opens his mouth, he shuts him off with a glare "And don't try to fool me that it was for some investigation, I'm not stupid."

There's still this bitter look on Dazai's face but he smirks. "Well, it worked on you the first time."

Kunikida shakes his head, cutting in before Dazai can turn this into a meaningless bickering. "The point is, stop acting like you're the worst thing that happened to the Agency" Or to me, Kunikida adds in his head. Because in reality, he can't imagine a world without Dazai. Because, despite what he might say, Dazai is not a curse.

He catches Dazai's gaze and looks deep into these bewitching brown eyes so Dazai knows he means every word. "You're good, Dazai. You really are."

Something like surprise flashes on Dazai's face, and something else, something unusually vulnerable. He nods slowly, Kunikida nods too, and they go back to their own tasks in silence. Admittely there is something tense in the air, however it feels familiar, something they both agree not to touch tonight, feeling safe enough as it is.

It's quiet for a few minutes, Kunikida finally catches up with his meal, until suddenly–

"Hey, it works!" he hears Dazai's voice and then an old song he thinks he recognizes coming from the radio. The woman singing (about love, because what else could it be) has a honey-like voice and Kunikida lets out a pleased hum.

"Told you I wouldn't break it" Dazai says with pride in his voice. In the corner of his eyes Kunikida sees him sliding off the counter and hears his steps on the ground.

"Smells good, what's that?" Kunikida almost jumps when he suddenly feels Dazai quite literally gluing himself to his back to look over his shoulder, steadying himself with one hand on Kunikida's waist.

"You're here as the moral support, not the taster, right?" 

"I'm great at multitasking" Dazai says and before Kunikida can stop him he reaches for the spoon and steals some food from the pan. He lets out a satisfied hum. "Damn, this is great."

"And if I let you to it there will be nothing left for others" Kunikida sighs grabbing Dazai's wrist. He turns in his spot to face Dazai, who's looking up at him with an innocent smile, batting his eyelashes.

"We could always order takeout" he suggests, eyes shining playfully. 

Kunikida rolls his eyes, unable to hide his amusement. "You're a menace." He takes the spoon Dazai captured and puts it back on the counter. However, his hand stays on Dazai's wrist, rubbing light circles into the skin. That's when Kunikida realises Dazai's hand hasn't moved either, still placed on his waist.

They are close to each other and it seems as if they both were stuck in place, not moving even a bit. Kunikida's other hand is hanging beside Dazai's until it's not, until it's brushing over Dazai's hip, sliding up Dazai's side, until it wraps around his waist.

Dazai doesn't move away, so Kunikida moves closer. 

It's quiet in the kitchen except for the sweet song playing on the radio and Kunikida isn't even sure when they start swaying lightly, almost unnoticeably. He interwines his fingers with Dazai's and notices the corner of his lips lifting upwards. 

The woman keeps singing and they keep swaying without a word, and Kunikida's chest is filled with this overwhelming warmth. He can't help but to think how domestic it feels, how he isn't weirded out about being so close to Dazai in such way, how he wouldn't mind it happening even more often. Dazai chattering while Kunikida's cooking, both of them bickering about something with smiles on their faces, Kunikida pulling Dazai close, sharing just these normal, daily moments – it doesn't look too bad.

Dazai squeezes his hand gently, maybe subconsciously. Kunikida keeps looking into these deep brown eyes, getting lost once again, but he would lie if he said he wanted to get out. And suddenly this urge hits him – he wants to kiss Dazai. But not in the way they're used to, not as in starting something. He just wants to press his lips softly against Dazai, to somehow be even closer to him, to caress this moment between them in such way.

Something shifts in his stomach. There's the catch – Kunikida isn't sure if that's in the deal. And if it isn't, what exactly does it mean for Kunikida to consider it, what does it mean for them?

Dazai looks at him and Kunikida catches his gaze sliding down to his lips, just once, as if he was thinking about the same thing. He seems hesitant, like he's also wondering if they're allowed to do this, if they should and if it would change anything – if so, for better or worse?

Something flashes in Dazai's eyes. Something fond yet afraid, something bittersweet. Or maybe Kunikida just imagines it. Either way, they're both leaning towards each other, making the choice.

And then the bell rings.

They pull away from each other in a second as if them touching caused them to burn. Kunikida clears his throat and Dazai is rubbing a hand on his neck. It's awkward, like something pulled them from a trance and they only now realised what has happened.

"I will get it" Dazai says immediately, looking away from Kunikida who just nods, not trusting his voice. He watches Dazai walk away to open the door.

He's left alone, leaning against the counter and sighing deeply. Alone with his thoughts, alone with the decisions almost-made, alone with all the possible consequences. The better and the worse.

The song ends.

*

Kunikida grunts, still on the floor of some abandoned warehouse where the ability user he and Dazai were meant to catch, sent him. But at least that gave advantage to Dazai who was able to surprise that guy and knock him out. 

Still, Kunikida doesn't really feel like getting up. He hears the familiar steps and after a second sees a pair of brown eyes looking at him from from above.

"Comfortable?" Dazai grins. Kunikida rolls his eyes. 

"So, I was thinking about trying out this new place for dinner, you know the one they opened on the other side of the street. You're in?" Dazai asks as if lately they didn't have dinner together almost every day.

Kunikida sends him a blant look. "Maybe help me get up first and then we can talk" he says dryly.

"Right on it." Dazai reaches his hand towards Kunikida's and pulls him as Kunikida gets on his feet. Dazai's force surprises him as he bumps into the other man's chest, still holding his hand.

Dazai beams at him. "By the way, good job, partner."

Kunikida stares at him, suddenly all too aware of how quiet it is here, how he's able to feel Dazai's body's warmth, how their hands are still interwined, how bright and soft Dazai's smile is.

For some reason Kunikida's heart starts beating faster and suddenly Kunikida wants to pull Dazai close and kiss these smiling lips, then tell him how glad he is to have him by his side. He wants them to go back to their dorms, hand in hand, to get some takeout on the way and eat it on his couch later, bodies pressed close, Dazai's head resting on his shoulder. He wants Dazai to choose a dumb movie that they won't watch anyway because they will be too busy talking. He wants to listen to Dazai's laugh, peck him on the cheek carefreely, see everything that's important in his eyes. He wants to fall asleep next to Dazai, wrapping his arms around him, feeling him relax into the embrace. He wants to wake up and see his face, to know they're going to start a new day together. And the thing is this urge isn't just temporary, Kunikida doesn't want it just now, for this evening. No, he wants it every day, for as long as possible.

Dazai knits his brows probably because Kunikida still hasn't said a word, but Kunikida's head is spinning too much for him to think clearly.

Oh. Oh shit. 

The realisation hits him and almost sweeps him off his feet, probably because it's not actually that surprising. But just before he can name it, acknowledge it properly, Dazai snaps him in the forehead, pulling Kunikida out of the trance 

"Wow, that guy must've hit you pretty bad, huh?" He raises his brow, something like worry slips into his voice. "You're alright?"

No. Kunikida doubts he will be alright anytime soon.

"Yes" he says, clearing his throat, hoping the words don't come out too shakily. "We should go."

Dazai nods, but his eyes are watching Kunikida carefully, definitely sensing something's off. Thankfully he doesn't keep prodding and leaves to walk up to the unconscious ability user. Kunikida takes a deep breath and walks up right behind him. 

The last thought he lets himself have about this, before he acts like everything is normal for the rest of the day, is that he will definitely have to schedule a dedicated breakdown about this.

Chapter Text

It's Dazai who persuades Kunikida to go out, reasoning that they should be good friends to Yosano which means not leaving her alone with the two newly official lovebirds.

That, alongside with Dazai's puppy eyes, feels like a manipulative excuse to guilt Kunikida into agreeing and he tells Dazai so.

And yet, here he is, sitting in the booth next to Yosano, watching as Dazai and Ranpo come back from the bar with another round of drinks. 

He would lie if he said he isn't having a good time. The alcohol in his veins spreads warmth inside his chest, makes him indifferent about the colorful lights or loud music, actually he's enjoying all of it. He's gotta be careful though, because one drink too much and he's afraid Dazai will be able to pull him on the dancefloor. And he would never let him live this down.

But it's fun. He's cracking jokes with Yosano, talking about older times, Ranpo and Dazai are probably planning another pranks to make every detective's life a bit more difficult. Oh, and they all get to know Poe a little better. Or maybe in a different setting, because it's not like he's a stranger to them, considering how he's a pretty frequent guest at the Agency. It's good to meet him this way, though. He's visibly anxious at first, but after some time he relaxes telling them about his work as a writer while Ranpo is staring at him like he hung up the moon. It's heartwarming to see them like this, knowing they finally figured out what's going on between them.

It also causes Kunikida's chest to sting a little. He decides to ignore that.

Ranpo takes his seat beside Poe and Dazai sits next to Kunikida, placing the newly brought drinks on the table.

"Missed me while I was gone?" Dazai leans into Kunikida's space. It's weird how much Kunikida expected and anticipated that, and at the same time it's not weird at all. 

"Hoped you wouldn't come back, actually" Kunikida retorts dryly, taking a sip from his glass.

Dazai lets out an exasperated gasp. "See how I'm treated?" he asks Yosano who just laughs at him.  Dazai turns back to Kunikida pouting.

Kunikida wants to kiss that pout. Turns out he wants to kiss him pretty often. Too often for his own good. 

That's when he notices it, in the corner of his eye. It makes him turn towards the older detective. All night he can feel Ranpo's gaze on him, on them, not constantly, but from time to time, shooting him a look as if Kunikida was an object of his investigation. As if he figured it out. 

And if that wasn't enough, Poe is watching too, with similar knowing expression, although he at least seems a bit more uncomfortable about it.

Of course Ranpo told him, what did Kunikida expect. Actually this option is the safer one, because if Ranpo hadn't said anything, that would mean Poe just noticed it on his own. 

Kunikida shakes off his thoughts trying to focus on the conversation. And he does, acting as if he isn't losing his mind just because Dazai's hand is on his thigh while he's leaning over the table to say something to Ranpo. He manages to have a good talk with Poe, pretending to be unaffected when Dazai rests his head against his shoulder. He's laughing with Poe when Dazai and Yosano hit the dancefloor even though the sight of Dazai smiling so carefreely and moving his body so sensually makes Kunikida want to take him home and kiss him senseless, whispering sweet praises until he melts.

Words fail to describe what's going on inside Kunikida's head and he can only hope it doesn't show too much. 

After some time Dazai comes back, smiling and leaning to speak almost directly into Kunikida's ear "Wanna get some fresh air?"

Kunikida nods, using all of his self-restraint not to shiver when Dazai's hot breath hits his skin. And just as he gets up to go after Dazai, he sees it.

Yosano is furrowing her brows looking at the two partners, then something in her eyes flashes. She turns to share a meaningful look with Ranpo (who scrunches his nose with disgust and disappointment, asshole) and Poe because apparently their judgemental squad got a new addition, and then she's looking at Kunikida again, confusion in her gaze along with something in the shape of worry, reminding Kunikida how she looked during their conversation in the infirmary. 

He pretends not to notice, to forget about it for now, aware he's not naive enough to convince himself it was about something else. Instead, he finds Dazai in the crowd, focusing on him solely, and they both get outside. 

Kunikida breathes in deeply, hoping the cold night air might help him clear his head. Dazai stands under the street lamp, humming some tune quietly and Kunikida can't keep his eyes off him.

He has a small smile on his lips, a soft one, with many thoughts behind it, making Kunikida want to know every single one of them. 

In the dark, Dazai's jaw looks even sharper and Kunikida feels this urge to brush his fingers over it, see if he cuts himself, if it's actually dangerous. His brown eyes are roaming over the nearest area and when they finally settle on Kunikida with this playful glint in them, Kunikida wonders why his heart is acting like it's about to break out of his chest.

Oh right – he's in love with Dazai Osamu. That's the problem. A pretty big and disturbing one. 

Dazai's voice gets Kunikida out of his head. "They're cute together. It repulses me, but I gotta admit that" he says with a shrug as if he couldn't be more indifferent about it, but Kunikida knows him too well not to hear the fondness in his voice as he talks about their friend.

Kunikida looks up at the stars. They're quite visible tonight, shining so brightly that they seem close enough to touch them.

"Well, they were meant to be, I guess. It was just a matter of time" Kunikida says, feeling the words slipping off his tounge lazily, aware that the alcohol is giving a certain accent to them.

Dazai tilts his head, smirking at him. "Oh, that's romantic. Are you a romantic, Kunikida?" His words are slurred and his stance a bit wobbly as he walks up to Kunikida who catches him in the last moment.

"Maybe it's time to go home" Kunikida suggests, his hands on Dazai's waist, feeling like he's about to explode.

Dazai giggles. "Are you going to tuck me in bed and give a kiss goodnight? Or hold me and sing a lullaby?"

Dazai looks up at him with these big brown eyes that are breaking all of Kunikida's defense. Kunikida knows Dazai means it as a joke, a tease, but he's had a couple drinks and a couple of feelings, too much of them if he's honest. 

"If you want to" he says, almost whispering. Why is he whispering? Is he afraid of saying this too loud? 

Dazai's expression changes, as if he suddenly realised something. His smirk drops, the amusement in his expression gone, his fogged eyes seem a little distant now.

Kunikida continues, despite feeling like there's something heavy sitting on his chest. "Just tell me what you want, Dazai, I–"

"You're drunk" Dazai cuts him off. He sounds... he sounds cold. And this coldness feels like a sharp knife sliding into Kunikida's heart. 

He tries to figure out what he sees on Dazai's face. It's not fear, not worry, not disappointment, not sadness, it's... it's nothing. It's just another blant mask.

Kunikida opens his mouth to say something, anything, but Dazai doesn't give him the chance. "Go back. You should wait and go home with them."

Kunikida feels angry, he really does, but he doesn't actually do anything, doesn't confront Dazai about what he's running away from, if it's something he recognized in Kunikida and why is he so afraid of it.

He's too tired and, ironically, too drunk. He feels helpless, which only makes the frustration in him grow.

"What about you?" Kunikida asks, trying to read anything from Dazai's face. The only thing he's sure of is that he can't convince him to stay.

"I'm gonna take a walk" Dazai explains as if that was the most obvious thing in the world. As if he thought Kunikida would believe this. As if he wasn't going to get drunk in some dirty, shady place.

He must notice the grimace on Kunikida's face, because he smirks bitterly. The smirk cuts right into Kunikida's heart. "Don't worry, I'm experienced. I'll be just fine." And like that he's walking away.

Kunikida wants to stop him, to go after him, to tell him he is going to worry, to tell him he needs to know whether Dazai is okay. 

And yet, he doesn't do anything, stays in place as if his body was too heavy to move.

He feels a gulp in his throat, he wants to run away, he wants to fall underground, he wants to understand what happened, he wants to forget about it immediately.

Rubbing a hand over his face, Kunikida lets out a shaky breath. He has to brace himself before going back in the club, alone this time. 

His thoughts are racing, chaos in his head is immaculate, and there's this one returning question:

What the hell did he do?

*

Not only does Kunikida wake up with a murdering headache, he also feels an overwhelming sense of dread all over his body. 

The first thing he's reminded of is Dazai's face, his eyes losing their warmth due to some terrible realisation. 

Then he remembers Ranpo furrowing his brows with some kind of worry when Kunikida sat beside him, downing a whole glass of alcohol. Then, going back to the dorms with Yosano, the sympathy she was looking at him with, their unsaid agreement to not talk about why Dazai left Kunikida alone. 

All of that feels defeating, pinning Kunikida to the mattress. For a second he considers just staying here, burying himself under the covers, pretending he doesn't exist, pretending that nothing happened and he didn't ruin something inexplicably important. 

But he knows he can't do that. He has work.

The terrible uneasiness doesn't leave Kunikida when he gets to the Agency. Usually, he would blame it solely on the hangover, but unfortunately Kunikida is too self aware to do that.

Especially when his eyes meet Dazai's. And when Dazai averts his gaze the same second. 

It's not like they have much time to talk, anyway, because Dazai leaves for a case. Nevertheless, Kunikida feels something shattering inside himself. To make it better, or at least more numb, he tries busying himself with work, hoping it will help forgetting all the thoughts about what he should have said, about what he should say now, after everything. 

It's late afternoon when Dazai comes back, everyone beginning to leave the Agency. Kunikida catches Dazai's wrist as he's heading towards the exit. The man looks up at him, question in his eyes, letting the others pass them until they're alone. 

Kunikida clears his throat. Despite the worry, or maybe because of it, he asks "Are you angry at me, Dazai?"

Dazai looks at him, curious and confused, then laughs. "No, why would I be angry?"

Kunikida expected some kind of relief to come but it's nowhere to be found. He realises he started rubbing circles into Dazai's skin. 

"Good, because I wanted to talk with you" he starts, taking a deep breath. Dazai is watching him carefully, looking like he's trying to predict Kunikida's words. Or like he already knows them.

"I know I was drunk yesterday but it wasn't just that" Kunikida says, chaos in his head, but he can't back down now, so instead he just looks deep into Dazai's eyes, so he understands everything. "I... I do want more than this."

It's so quiet, Kunikida can almost hear his heart racing.

"What do you mean?" And there it is, the echo of fear-shaped thing he saw in Dazai's eyes yesterday, that he has been seeing for some time. 

"I think you know what I mean" Kunikida says quietly, afraid of any other explanation. 

Dazai looks at him wordlessly for a second, a tiny second when Kunikida could see his thoughts all over his face. 

But then, Dazai chuckles bitterly. Kunikida watches the new mask appearing, coldness covering his eyes. 

"You should probably look for more somewhere else. It will turn out way better for you." Dazai pulls his hand away from Kunikida's grip. He's looking at him but it's not really Dazai, is it? It's what he wants Kunikida to believe. The sad thing is, it doesn't hurt any less. 

Kunikida presses his lips into a thin line because he knows nothing reasonable will come out of his mouth, nothing he will be proud of later. 

For a second Dazai looks like he wants to add something, something that maybe would change this situation. Yet eventually, he just shakes his head. "Have a good day, Kunikida" he says leaving the office without looking back.

Kunikida watches him until he's gone.

*

Kunikida's only hope is that he manages to at least appear calm and put together, while internally feeling like he's going to turn into a puddle under Fukuzawa's piercing gaze. 

"Did something happen between you and Dazai?"

Shit.

"No, there's nothing wrong, why?" Kunikida says quickly, if not too quickly, because what the hell is he supposed to say?

Fukuzawa watches him carefully. He's calm as usual, nothing signaling that he might be angry. More like... curious. "You haven't been on a case together for some time."

Kunikida swallows. It's been only a couple days, technically. And they didn't use to solve all their cases together. Just most of them. 

Yet, after all, they are partners. It's not surprising that the President might have sensed something odd. 

But how can Kunikida explain this situation if he doesn't really understand it himself? What would he say? That Dazai is avoiding him without giving a single clear reason? That Kunikida is just playing along, afraid that he will make matters worse?

"We had a small misunderstanding, but it's nothing serious" Kunikida decides to say.

Fukuzawa leans over his desk and looks him up and down. Kunikida needs to run away and never come back. 

"I hope so. I want you two to work as efficiently as always. If you had a fight, make up" Fukuzawa says firmly. Yet something shifts in his eyes, something like care, maybe even worry. "You're great partners. Don't throw it away because of something stupid."

Kunikida hears something omniscient in his voice. As if he knew. As if he could feel there's something wrong, much deeper than any fight.

He suppresses a shiver going through him.

"Yes, sir." Kunikida bows his head when President dismisses him. He leaves his office with an uneasy feeling and a thought in his head – he needs to work it out. 

However, it takes two.

*

Kunikida lets out a loud frustrated sigh as he looks through the documents on his desk. Dazai was meant to submit his report yesterday but it's nowhere to be found, just like Dazai himself. 

"Is there something wrong?" he hears and turns to see Atsushi. He takes a deep breath before answering, telling himself the kid doesn't deserve to be snapped at.

"Nothing concerning you, Atsushi."

"Can I help in any way?" Atsushi asks, the kind-hearted boy he is. It makes Kunikida feel slightly better for a second. 

He rubs his eyes under his glasses, muttering quietly "Not unless you know where the hell Dazai is."

"Oh, he's in the cafe" Atsushi says simply and beams.

Kunikida freezes in his seat. Slowly, he turns his gaze back to Atsushi. "What?"

"Yes, I saw him talking with someone there" Atsushi continues, more hesitantly now.

"Thank you" Kunikida says quietly, standing up immediately in order to leave the office.

He is going to kill that bastard.

Kunikida walks into the café and yes, there he is, sitting at the counter and batting his eyelashes at the poor waitress. Something in this sight stings Kunikida. But it's not the time to make it personal, so he shakes it off and strides right to Dazai.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asks when the man looks up at him.

Dazai smirks. The initial surprise gone from his face. "Well, doesn't that bring some memories."

Kunikida just glares at him expecting something, anything more. When it doesn't come he can feel the anger burning in his veins and without much thinking he grabs Dazai's wrist and pulls him from the chair. It's not like Dazai doesn't have a choice – he could stop Kunikida if he wanted. But he doesn't. Instead, he follows him, even though Kunikida has no idea what he's doing. He just knows he needs to get out of here, he needs to go somewhere quiet where he can be alone with Dazai.

He only stops by some door, thankfully open. When it turns out to be a small storage room he pushes Dazai and himself into it.

Dazai crosses his arms over his chest, back against the wall, looking at him expectantly. It's hardly the first time Kunikida takes Dazai aside to lecture him about his missing work. But it's not just that, is it? They're both aware it's about something else, too. That's what makes this situation so unfamiliar, so unpredictable.

Kunikida clears his throat, breaking the silence that is beginning to feel suffocating. "You stood me up" he states, voice stern. "And for what, so you could flirt with that waitress?"

Almost unnoticeably Dazai flinches. It's so quick and sudden, Kunikida thinks he imagined it, especially when Dazai comes back to his usual self.

He chuckles dryly, tilting his head. "Is that jealousy I hear? C'mon, we never agreed on being exclusive, did we?" 

Well no, technically they didn't. To be honest, Kunikida didn't think about it at all. And during all this time there wasn't anyone to catch his eye anyway (maybe that should've made him figure out some things earlier). Another thing is, he hasn't seen Dazai with anybody either. And he didn't talk about his conquests like he used to.

But maybe Kunikida is just being naive, yet again, maybe it was all a facade. He can have his hunch, but where has it ever led him?

"Besides, I thought you were bored of me" Dazai adds mockingly.

Suddenly, Kunikida doesn't even feel angry anymore. He's just tired.

"You know I never said that" he says. His eyes are asking Dazai to stop this. Let us be better than that.

Dazai shakes his head. Kunikida knows they're not finished until the show is over.

"No, you said you wanted more. Because apparently this isn't enough." Dazai probs at Kunikida's chest. Then something shifts in his eyes, they darken for a second and Dazai pulls Kunikida closer to him by the fingers hooped on his belt loops.

They were already close in the tight space but now when Dazai leans in his lips are brushing over Kunikida's as he's whispering.

"I could be on my knees in a second. But you don't want that, do you?"

Kunikida's breath hitches. Dazai is looking up at him, waiting patiently but also as if he was trying to get into Kunikida's head. Perhaps he finds something there, an answer to his questions, because after a moment he lowers his gaze and takes a step back 

Kunikida lets out a deep sigh. It sounds like defeat, like hanging out a white flag. It sounds like letting Dazai go once again, just because Kunikida is still unsure whether he actually wants to confront him or not.

They aren't looking at each other, not really. Just glancing sideways, standing there, so close and so far away, wondering what's stopping them from ending this.

Kunikida's voice is quiet when he asks "Why are you so insistent on playing this game, Dazai?'

Long ago his instinct would've told him it's because of Dazai's cruelty, because he likes torturing him this way. 

However, he knows better after all this time. He knows it's Dazai's self-defense, it's how he keeps the upper hand even though he's just as confused as his opponent.

Kunikida's sure it's true because somewhere deep he can see Dazai's fear, which source he still hasn't figured out. All he knows is that despite acting like the mastermind, Dazai is just as trapped as he is.

Or perhaps Kunikida is totally wrong.

"It's always fun to play with you" is Dazai's reply. There's something real, something true in Dazai's crooked smile. Kunikida wants to hold on to it. They share one last look that doesn't lead anywhere, before Dazai opens the door and walks away.

Kunikida, left alone in the storage room, rubs a hand over his face. It's slowly getting darker and Kunikida notices the lightbulb above him twitching from time to time, on the verge of burning out. He spends a few minutes watching it for no reason. But then he shakes his head, deciding to leave the room before it gets totally dark. He needs to take a break. He needs to forget. He needs to get back to work–

Goddamn it. That's when he remembers. He didn't even get that report.

*

It's not his fault. Reasonably, deep down, Kunikida knows it isn't. And yet his hands are shaking and his heart is heavy in his chest. 

He should've been there, but him and Dazai are still kind of avoiding each other. Which is why Dazai was on a mission only with Atsushi. And who could've known they would be outnumbered. They got out, luckily, but Dazai was in such state he fell unconscious as soon as he walked into the Agency.

The moment Yosano announced Dazai is alright and that she's going on a break, Kunikida volunteered to keep an eye on him. Mostly for his own peace.

"He is going to be fine" Yosano assured him, her hand on Kunikida's shoulder, her eyes worried and looking through Kunikida's bullshit. He just nodded, lips pressed into a thin line, knowing she's right, yet aware that his feelings are too irrational to fully accept that. 

And now, he's sitting beside Dazai's bed, his leg bumping, eyes fixated on the floor, looking up at Dazai from time to time, examining his bruises, watching how peaceful he looks in his sleep.

How the hell did they get here?

That's when it hits Kunikida – he can't lose Dazai, not like this definitely. If he can't have what his heart is asking for, he has to at least try to go back to what they had before all of this went down. Or maybe build something new. The only thing Kunikida is sure of is that he needs Dazai in his life, he doesn't want to learn how to function without him. Damn his ideals, he's not even pretending they're the reason he was so afraid of this – the real reason is that he was scared he would be too helpless, unable to stop a disaster.

Kunikida has to make it right. One way or another.

He hears a quiet groan suddenly and almost jumps in his chair. Immediately he turns his gaze towards Dazai, who's shaking his head, blinking slowly, his eyes adjusting to the light. He seems caught off guard, trying to understand what's going on. 

Kunikida mindlessly puts his hand on Dazai's wrist. "It's okay, you're at the Agency."

Dazai looks up at him, his eyes still a little fogged up from all the painkillers, but there's visible recognition in his gaze. It seems as if he relaxed a little bit. "Oh. You're here."

Kunikida swallows slowly, unsure what's that supposed to mean, if he should leave, if Dazai wants him to leave.

Dazai sighs quietly, his hand weakly catching Kunikida's. "Stay. Just once more" he whispers, words slipping out lazily, eyelids closing. Soon he's asleep again. Kunikida doesn't let go of his hand even then.

"I'll stay as long as you want me to" Kunikida says, more to himself, the confession uncomfortably loud in the silent empty room but maybe that's exactly what he needs. 

*

It's a few days later when Kunikida finally decides it's time. He has had enough of these stupid games, of this dancing around the subject.

He still hasn't planned what he's going to say, which makes it unusual, but have his lists and ideals ever helped with Dazai?

Kunikida's first instinct is to apologise – but it's not entirely his fault, is it? No, he isn't going to apologise. He just wants one honest conversation. Then, he will figure something out.

Kunikida doesn't really believe it, but the door surprisingly opens, revealing Dazai who's looking Kunikida up and down with this weird expression as if he was expecting this for some time. Knowing that bastard, he probably was.

Dazai doesn't say anything and when neither does Kunikida, he just sighs and walks back into the dorm. Kunikida follows him inside, heart heavy. Watching the other man lean against the corner of the couch, he tries to brace himself, get ready, equally sure that this is what must be done and that it will hurt.

"So?" Dazai asks raising his brows at Kunikida, as if to make him hurry. Apart from that, he seems unbothered, almost like nothing Kunikida might say could ever faze him. It's a pose, Kunikida knows that now, but breaking through it will be hard nonetheless.

Kunikida takes a deep breath. It's now or never. "If you want to finish this then do it without your games" he starts, glad that his voice comes out calm and even. "But first, I want us to talk. For real this time, not just pretending we don't understand what we're saying so we can keep this charade."

Dazai is looking at him carefully, waringly, probably determined to guess his every move, to know when to dodge the hit he's expecting. Kunikida wants to tell him that this isn't a fight, that neither of them has to attack. But this is how Dazai operates, how he deals with something scary.

"You want to talk for real? Okay, this" Dazai starts, gesturing between them "isn't going to work." Kunikida opens his mouth but Dazai raises his hand. "I can already see the gears in your head working but stop. This isn't something you can make a whole step-by-step plan to fix."

Kunikida feels as if something cold entwined itself around his heart and tightened its grip. "So you won't even give me a chance?" he asks, words leaving a bitter taste on his tounge.

Dazai crosses his arms on his chest defensively, creating yet another layer of barrier between them. He looks at Kunikida trying to maintain the practiced careless composure. 

"What's the point? What's the point of holding onto this when there's only one possible way this will end?" he asks, peacefully. Both of them are peaceful, actually, never once even raising their voices despite the fact that on the inside Kunikida feels like he's burning. Maybe something like that gets to Dazai, too, because after a moment of silence he lets out a shaky sigh, his eyes sliding off Kunikida, fixated on the floor as he starts speaking again.

"If I hold onto it it's because of my greed, desperation, because I know it's not for me, and I will have to leave anyway" Dazai states and something about how honest these words seem causes a crack in his mask. As if he was giving up, not treating Kunikida like his opponent anymore.

He raises his gaze and Kunikida almost gasps seeing Dazai's eyes, seeing a battle of mixed feelings in his eyes, not hidden behind anything, real at last.

"But if you do it, it's because you think you should fix this in the name of your ideals. And it's only going to burn you and I won't be watching that."

Finally, Kunikida understands what it's all about. And what hits him the most is that Dazai allows him to see it, maybe subconsciously although it's hard to believe since it's the always-one-step-ahead Dazai. Still, he shows Kunikida something true, shows him this vulnerable side, shows him that it's simply...fear.

Kunikida is scared too, scared like hell. Yet, the only person who can make him feel safer, a little more secure is standing in front of him, trying to make him go away.

Kunikida takes a step towards Dazai with newfound determination.

"Don't let me burn, then. And I won't let you leave."

Dazai looks at him for a moment, processing these words or just making sure he heard them right. Then, he also takes a step towards Kunikida. A small one yet it means much more than Kunikida hoped for.

Dazai lifts up his gaze to catch Kunikida's eyes into his cage. "Look me in the eyes and tell me I'm not a problem for you to fix." Dazai is still pushing him away, trying to make Kunikida push him away, but it lacks the strength. Dazai sounds tired, defeated.

It breaks something in Kunikida for final and he starts talking before he realises, because he doesn't need to look for the right words anymore, they've been here already for quite some time, waiting for the right moment. 

"You're...fuck, Dazai, you're so much more" he says releasing a deep breath. Finding the brown eyes observing him carefully with some sort of caution yet anticipation too, Kunikida looks deep into them to make sure Dazai understands how much he means his every word.

"You're always acting like the worst thing that's ever happened to other people or to me, but that's bullshit. I think about you so often, I can't even imagine spending a day without seeing you or hearing your voice." 

It's a confession, genuine, coming right from Kunikida's heart, kind of an ideal one. And he doesn't think it's wrong, not anymore. Letting it all out feels like putting puzzles together to create a complicated, yet beautiful picture. When Kunikida looks at Dazai's face it all feels right. He thinks about all their dinners together, about how much Dazai makes him laugh, about working with him and feeling as if Dazai doesn't need words to understand him, about every time they were each other's only anchor, how they chose one another.

It's not perfect but maybe it doesn't have to be if that's what makes Kunikida feel good, better than anything else. 

He's staring at Dazai while putting this feeling into words. "You are one of the best things in my life. I think you've been for some time, but I was too afraid to admit that." One last deep breath before naming out loud the big scary thing that somehow makes everything make sense. "Dazai, I'm in love with you."

The silence that falls in the room is dreading, painful even. Dazai knew, he must have knew, yet his eyes widen anyway as in surprise, like he didn't expect Kunikida to actually admit it. 

Kunikida doesn't regret it even one bit. Whatever happens at least neither of them can deny it. 

Dazai lowers his gaze. His moves seem hesitant, uncertain. He doesn't know what to do, now that Kunikida refuses to be pushed away, he doesn't have a plan for this. 

"I...I don't think you should do this to yourself" Dazai says after a moment.

Kunikida feels some of the tension leave his body. It's not a no. It could be a maybe.

"I already chose. The question is what about you?"

Dazai looks up at him. This hesitance, this fear makes him appear small. But he doesn't run away. 

"It won't be anything even close to that ideal plan you had" he says a bit bitterly. It also sounds like a challenge, like he can't believe Kunikida would really throw it away.

Kunikida is ready to prove him wrong. He shakes his head. "I don't want it. I want you. Hell, Dazai, we're both fucked up in our own way, but I want this, with everything that's imperfect and broken about you, me, about us. I want to try." His heart is pounding in his chest. He takes a step towards Dazai whose expression is unreadable. Instead of trying to make anything out of it and losing inevitably, Kunikida decides to ask one last important question. "Do you want to?"

He stays still and quiet, awaiting the answer. Dazai is visibly turning the question over and over in his mind, silently staring at Kunikida. His eyes seem to look through him, looking for something, for a sign that this is not real, that perhaps he doesn't really mean it. Well, he won't find that. Whatever the outcome will be, at least Kunikida was honest with himself and Dazai to the end.

A while stretches into eternity, Kunikida feels like the time is frozen. But he stays, he won't leave unless Dazai asks him to. And that doesn't seem to be the case. Dazai also stays.

After another few minutes, Kunikida thinks he sees some kind of realisation spreading on Dazai's face, like something finally broke inside him. Dazai himself seems surprised by it, but his next words, despite how shaky they are, sound sure and thought through "Okay. Yes. Yes, I want to" Dazai lets out, an answer unusually chaotic for him, but Kunikida supposes they're both out of their usual selves.

Some weight is lifted off Kunikida's shoulders, his heart is let free from the tight grip of sorrow and worry. He nods, too scared to say anything. If it's a dream, he doesn't want to wake up because Dazai sounds honest and he doesn't take it back despite seeming a little lost. Instead, he keeps looking at Kunikida as if he was his anchor point. Kunikida does the same.

The atmosphere is still a bit heavy, but much clearer now that everything is out in the open. Kunikida doesn't realise it when he moves towards Dazai again, but he does notice Dazai stepping in his direction. They're still quiet, not ready yet for all of the words needed to be said however it's not a big problem for them after all. When Kunikida opens his arms and Dazai nods, everything's understood.

Slowly, but without hesitation, he pulls Dazai into a hug, holding him close. At first Dazai's body is tense, unsure what to do in this situation. It takes a while for him to relax a little, to rest his forehead against Kunikida's chest, to hold him too as if to make sure he's still here.

Kunikida puts his chin on top of Dazai's head and can't help but notice Dazai's shoulders shaking a bit. However, knowing Dazai wouldn't want him to comment on it right now, he just moves his hands into soothing circles on his back, feeling Dazai calm down after a moment.

Finally, Dazai looks up at him. There are tears in the brown eyes and Kunikida knows he must look similar. So he just waits patiently for Dazai's move, a signal.

Dazai's hands are moving up until they're cupping Kunikida's face, fingers brushing over his cheeks. Kunikida can't even imagine calming his rapid heartbeat, it's easier to ignore it. At least when he catches Dazai's puzzled gaze he knows he's not alone.

Eventually Dazai lets out a shaky breath, leaning closer to Kunikida. "Can I? Please?"

It's obvious what the question means and it's obvious what Kunikida's answer will be as he's already leaning towards Dazai, too.

"Anything you want" he whispers and their lips finally meet. It's slow and so much different than anything else, than anything before. The kiss being an acknowledgement of their history and a beginning of something totally new. 

Kunikida wraps his arms around Dazai's waist to hold himself steady, because it's so soft he feels like he's going to melt. But above everything else it tastes like a promise. Like something worth trying for.

It's already pretty late and Kunikida didn't expect to be so tired but maybe that's fair after everything. They don't really talk a lot about anything serious for the rest of the evening. Kunikida doesn't mind, they have time. And when after dinner Dazai asks him to stay for the rest of night, Kunikida feels as if his heart is going to burst out from his chest. He agrees, obviously.

Despite everything, he sleeps much calmer than the last few nights, a warm body next to him, reminding Kunikida that they're here together, that neither of them has to leave.

When he wakes up, he's met with the sight of the familiar brown eyes watching him. A certain warmth spreads inside him. Good, he thinks. It wasn't a dream.

"Hi" he says quietly.

"Good morning." Dazai's eyes leave Kunikida's face for a moment, staring somewhere undefined, visibly thinking about something. Kunikida waits for whatever is to come.

Dazai takes a deep breath. "I just wanted to tell you that whenever I... ran away, I guess, it wasn't that I didn't feel–you know" he starts and Kunikida is once again amazed by this sudden wave of vulnerability. 

Dazai licks his lips before continuing, not as anxious as yesterday, as if he also had to wake up to realise this is real. "I did. I have, for quite some time, actually. I was worried when you'd finally notice."

Kunikida furrows his brows, although maybe it shouldn't be such a surprise. "Why didn't you just say anything?"

Dazai lifts up his gaze. Kunikida's breath hitches, there's something almost painful in his chest at seeing the hurt in his eyes, at seeing the genuiness. It's a bit overwhelming, in a good way, to be able to finally truly look at Dazai.

"Many reasons, I guess." Dazai shrugs. He chuckles dryly. "And I was afraid. You're good, Kunikida. So good. You make me want to be better. That's terrifying, you know?"

"Then why now, why did you let me in this time?"

Dazai doesn't say anything for a second. Kunikida can see him pondering the question, preparing different answers – every one of them would be true, and none would be enough. Kunikida understands that, so he's not surprised when Dazai replies

"Because you're stubborn." And there's this glint in his eyes, finally something a little hopeful, something like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. Oh, how Kunikida missed it.

"That makes two of us" he counters with a small smile. The corner of Dazai's lips lifts up. But after another second it slowly fades, something darker clouding Dazai's mind again.

"This is going to be fucking hard" he says, almost a whisper. It's not meant to push Kunikida away, it's not a rejection, a change of mind. It's a warning, a last chance to get out so Kunikida won't have to go through this. However, he already made his choice.

Slowly, he takes Dazai's hand and brings it to his lips. "It's worth it as long as you're here" Kunikida says, lips brushing over Dazai's knuckles. The man keeps looking at him, the brown eyes never leaving Kunikida's gaze, and he nods, relaxing slowly, trying to believe it. That's what matters.

They lay like this for some time, hands interwined, gazes locked and Kunikida could spend forever this way, and still wouldn't believe it's actually real, with Dazai staying next to him, closer than ever in some ways. 

It's quiet, it's soft, it's good. They lose track of time and Kunikida wouldn't mind, but maybe maybe some normalcy could also be helpful.

"We should get ready for work" Kunikida says quietly. Dazai, for once, doesn't disagree.

"We probably should."

And yet they stay like this for another few minutes, until Kunikida remembers that he needs to get back to his own dorm to get his own clothes. Clearing his throat, he finally leaves the bed while Dazai moves to sit against the headboard.

"Hey" he calls to get Kunikida's attention. Kunikida turns, putting on his glasses. Dazai is fidgeting with the sheets, glancing at him. If Kunikida didn't know any better he would say Dazai looks almost shy. "Let's not...announce anything, okay?"

"Of course." Honestly Kunikida was thinking the same thing so he's grateful they're on the same side. 

He makes his way towards the door, unsure what else he's supposed to do, to say. At last he turns to Dazai again. "Will you come for dinner later?"

To Kunikida's happiness, Dazai smiles, not a wide gleeful grin, but it's something nevertheless. "Yeah, I'll be there."

Kunikida smiles too, feeling this specific feeling once again. It's hope, he supposes. "See you at work then."

"See you."

Kunikida walks away, heart much lighter than it has been for a long time. Admittedly it's still a little tense, he's still unsure of many things. But he's not alone now, and he believes together they'll figure it out. 

Kunikida tries to busy himself with work for the whole day and Dazai keeps trying to slack off with the same determination. It's like nothing happened, except for some meaningful glances reminding them both that yes, some things are changing. It makes Kunikida smile to himself, even when he has to stay a bit longer in the office.

As he's walking back to his dorm, shopping for the dinner, his head is full of so many thoughts it's hard to keep them in order. Kunikida realises that for the first time in a while he doesn't have a strict, ideal plan. It doesn't terrify him as much as he thought it would, yet it's still a new and strange thing to just go along with it, figure it out along the way. Perhaps that's how it has always been with Dazai – without a plan, sudden, unpredictable, yet still everything Kunikida wants. Maybe...

Shit, he thinks, his thoughts scattered away as he bumps into something on the pavement. Looking up he realises he's at the flower shop near his dorm and looking down it seems that he accidentally walked into a bucket full of red roses.

He notices the owner lady cleaning in front of the shop. She looks at him and Kunikida is opening his mouth to apologise, but then she smiles. "We're closing soon, if you want anything take it."

Kunikida's surprised and he's about to reject the offer, but then the flowers catch his eyes again, the deep red colour. He can't deny their beauty, even if their thorns can hurt.

In the end, Kunikida goes home with one rose in hand.

Kunikida is walking around his dorm, constantly checking if everything is alright in the kitchen and when it obviously is, going back to sit on the couch and look at the clock. Maybe he should call? Or go to Dazai? Technically they didn't agree on any specific hour, which now Kunikida finds stupid and badly organized. Well, he guesses his head isn't functioning perfectly around Dazai. 

He's getting worried at this point, an uneasy feeling growing inside him. Without much thinking Kunikida moves towards the door, subconsciously taking the rose. It's probably stupid, sappy, maybe he shouldn't do this, maybe it didn't really mean what he thought–

"Hi" Kunikida hears as soon as he opens the door. Dazai is standing there, some sort of anxiety visible in his posture and a rose in his hand, similar to Kunikida's. 

"Good to know I'm not the only one getting sappy." Dazai smirks gesturing at the flowers.

Suddenly Kunikida feels like he can breathe again. He laughs and Dazai is laughing too, this sweet sound, and the tension is finally gone. It's just them, after all. 

"Smells good. You were cooking?" Dazai asks when they're both inside. He's visible surprised. "You didn't have to do all that."

"I wanted to" Kunikida says simply, heart fluttering at the way Dazai's eyes soften. This time he doesn't think he imagined that. However, he can't spend the whole evening staring at Dazai, can he? (Maybe he will, one day. Hopefully). Kunikida adjusts his glasses gathering all the important points he was meant to talk about. "So–"

Before he can even finish, Dazai crosses the distance between them to press his lips against Kunikida's. He realises what's going on after a second, bringing his hand to Dazai's nape and kissing back. 

"What was that for?" Kunikida breathes when they pull away.

"I wanted to" Dazai says lightly. His lips find Kunikida's again and it's so sweet Kunikida is more than eager when Dazai starts deepening the kiss, looping his hands around Kunikida's neck.

They know each other well by now, know how to operate together and soon they start moving, landing on the couch, Kunikida hovering over Dazai.

Kunikida pulls Dazai's lower lip between his teeth, enjoying the whine it gets him and the way Dazai's hands start pulling his hair. Suddenly he's reminded how much he lives this, being with Dazai like that, making each other shiver and gasp for more. 

"And here I was thinking you'd make me wait for the dessert" Dazai giggles, nipping at his jaw gently.

And it's good, so good, everything in Kunikida is burning at the thought of getting lost in Dazai, in all these different feelings. Dazai's hands are all over his body, and the way they just know exactly what to do to make Kunikida go crazy, the way he knows how to pull every sweet reaction out of Dazai, all this knowledge seems overwhelming yet feels divine. 

However, soon Kunikida's thoughts begin to rumble again, causing turmoil in his head. He has to pull away for a moment, breathing deeply, aware he can't leave some questions unanswered, not this time. 

Dazai's brows furrow with confusion, but his expression visibly softens when Kunikida cups his face.

"I want this to mean something" he states, looking Dazai deep into his eyes, ready to find anything. But they're shining and Dazai is smiling, an honest disarming smile. His hand moves up to cover Kunikida's.

"It always means something with you" Dazai whispers and oh, Kunikida feels like he's going to die. He would die a happy man, though, kissing Dazai and embracing the new beginning.

*

It's not exactly normal but they are slowly figuring something out, in their own way with all the ups and down of it. It can get frustrating and yet Kunikida wouldn't trade it for anything else.

At least at work they can get busy, pretend nothing has changed. It's a rather silly act, anyway, considering how Dazai keeps teasing Kunikida like he wants to find out what will be his breaking point. 

But right now they're both focusing on a case that's been messing with them for over a week now. Sitting next to him at Kunikida's desk, Dazai is explaining something, putting the photos and documents like puzzle pieces. At first Kunikida is discussing with him eagerly, being the one who pointed out a massive lead, but then...

...then he starts dreading what he's become and wondering how did that even happen: unable to properly focus, watching Dazai instead – brown eyes shining as they usually do when things start coming together, his hands sliding across the desk to get a file, his thigh pressed against Kunikida's. 

Kunikida is still listening to what's Dazai is saying, however he knows it's a lost battle. He comes back to reality near the end to make sure he gets the conclusion right.

"Yeah, I think we got this" Dazai finishes and turns to look at Kunikida, beaming at him. Kunikida's stupid heart does a stupid flip. "Just don't say 'I told you so' or–"

Kunikida doesn't say anything actually, instead he leans close in Dazai's direction and presses a chaste kiss to his lips. Dazai gasps at first before letting out a pleased hum. 

Kunikida isn't even sure why he's so happy that it's happening like this, that they're here, that they're still partners after everything, but he's smiling when they pull away. Dazai is smiling too and it's like they're the only ones in this world, like nothing could ever break this moment–

"So, what's the news?" Kunikida hears a familiar voice and his smile drops. Fuck. When he turns his gaze towards Yosano who's standing in front of their desk, he realises that the breaking point finally happened.

He looks at Dazai with a question in his eyes, refusing to make this decision alone. Dazai shrugs – why the hell not? – and puts a reassuring hand on Kunikida's thigh – i'm here. Kunikida turns back in Yosano's direction, sure of his choice. 

"Dazai and I," he starts, clearing his throat "we're, um, together."

He's expecting anything, a reaction, better or worse, but is met with silence. From the corner of his eyes he can see Atsushi and Kyouka exchanging glances and Tanizaki siblings observing the scene carefully. Yosano is just furrowing her brows, visibly confused.

At his desk, Ranpo starts laughing, finally breaking the silence. Yosano's expression shifts from not understanding to amused. 

"No, I meant something we don't already know" she explains. There's a small smirk on her lips as she gestures at the files. "Like anything considering the kidnapping case?"

Well, Kunikida is going to die for sure. His face is heating up so much it's probably all red and his brain isn't able to form a coherent sentence.

"We figured it out" Dazai says, sounding a bit more composed. 

"That's good to hear" Yosano says, turning to walk away. But then she looks over her shoulder, smiling warm and friendly. "You two, that's also good to hear."

Kunikida nods in response. It does make him feel better, especially when he sees Dazai's soft smile. He's still mortified, because of course he is, but soon he starts laughing with Dazai, wondering how he could have ever been worried when this man is next to him.

*

It's the middle of the night when Kunikida wakes up. The room is dark and he's still a bit hazed, blinking slowly and patting the other side of the bed. That's how he realises he's alone – and he certainty didn't fall asleep alone.

Kunikida feels the uneasiness growing inside him, looking for the glasses at the bed side table and getting out of the bed. The feeling only increases when when he finds out the rest of the flat is empty, too. A cold hand is painfully tightening around his heart once again making it hard to breathe. But he has to do something, to look further. He won't believe that's just it.

He decides to leave the dorm and walk up on the porch. Cold air hits him and a sigh of relief leaves his mouth, because thankfully he finds a familiar figure there. 

Kunikida walks up to Dazai who's leaning over the railing, twisting a cigarette between his fingers, without reacting in any way to Kunikida's presence. Only when he stands beside Dazai, close enough that it would be hard to ignore him, does Dazai ask "Did I wake you up?"

Kunikida shakes his head, carefully looking Dazai up and down, noticing a certain heaviness in his shoulders, noticing how dark his eyes seem in the moonlight. 

"What happened?" Kunikida asks, putting his hand close to Dazai's elbow on the railing. Dazai shrugs wordlessly, taking a drag from the cigarette. Kunikida braces himself and tries again, reminding himself to be patient. "I can see something's wrong."

Dazai raises one brow looking at him as if making sure he heard that right. Then, he chuckles dryly. "Why is it always me who's supposed to talk?"

Kunikida frowns with confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Like when you came late from work last week? You were more snappy than usual and constantly in your head but you wouldn't say anything about it" Dazai explains. He doesn't sound frustrated or accusatory, not really. It's more like fatigue, like accepting the defeat. 

Kunikida opens his mouth but nothing comes out, it's not like any excuse is worth it. He leans against the railing, his body heavy all of sudden and he reaches his hand out to Dazai who obviously understands, handing him the cigarette.

The smoke isn't even half as bitter as the feeling in Kunikida's heart. All this talk about ideals and doing what's right and he can't even do one thing properly. He takes another drag, glancing sideways.

Dazai is still here, looking at him with something unreadable in his eyes. But he's not leaving. After all, the point is to try, Kunikida thinks. So he can try to make things at least a little better. 

"It was a hard day and I was so behind the schedule I had to stay late" he starts taking a deep breath. "And then something didn't make sense in the reports and I had to check them again and correct everything and when I came home I just kept thinking about what I did wrong." He hangs his head for a second before looking up at the bright moon and continuing.

"I didn't want to talk about it because it made me angry and I hate that because it's like losing control."

Dazai doesn't say anything but he's nodding when Kunikida gives him the cigarette back. "But I should've said something" Kunikida admits quietly, distinct regret in his voice. 

Dazai is wordlessly working something over in his head, perhaps taking in what Kunikida said. Eventually, he takes the cigarette to his mouth but instead just sighs heavily. "I had a dream. Something about my past." He looks at the sky, fidgeting with his fingers. "I don't want to tell you about it now. But maybe I will one day."

And I will be here to listen, Kunikida thinks.

They stay silent for a moment, both in their own minds yet together at the same time. There's a wordless understanding between them, acknowledgement that this probably isn't the last time they're having a conversation like that. Still, even with this realisation neither of them moves.

Dazai puts out the cigarette. Kunikida watches him.

"You're right about the talking thing" he says finally. "It applies to both of us."

Dazai shrugs, turning to Kunikida with a crooked half-smile. It's somewhat comforting. "We're both pretty messed up."

A corner of Kunikida's lips lifts up, too. He looks at Dazai meaningly, moving a bit closer to him 

"I'm not leaving anywhere. Are you?"

Dazai presses his lips into a thin line and goes quiet for a moment before leaning in Kunikida's direction. Their shoulders bump. "No, I don't think I am."

There's something lighter in Dazai's eyes now as well as in Kunikida's heart. And that's more than enough.

*

No one can beat Dazai when it comes to detours, especially during missions. At least this time it happened while coming back from a case, so it didn't mess with the schedule that much.

Kunikida and his partner were with Atsushi and Kyouka when they passed an aquarium and their younger coworkers made some comment about never having been to one. Kunikida could already feel it is going to be a lost battle, especially when Dazai started making big puppy eyes commenting how this is good for the kids. With a heavy sigh Kunikida agreed.

Not that he actually was against it. Honestly, walking in the dark spaces, watching all the different and strange species is pretty fun in Kunikida's opinion. Especially when he's here with Dazai.

It's near the closing hours, so there's only few people in there besides them. Kyouka and Atsushi keep running to every aquarium always few steps ahead of them, excited and just so carefree. It fills Kunikida with such fondness, which only grows seeing the look in Dazai's eyes, something nostalgic and soft. 

They are walking slowly towards an aquarium full of colorful fishes, close to each other, their hands brushing from time to time. Kunikida glances down, licking his lips, then wondering why exactly is he hesitating. He decides to ignore it, knowing if he does something wrong, he will be able to tell. So, he just takes Dazai's hand in his, interwining their fingers. When they stop near the glass, Dazai squeezes his hand back.

Kunikida's heart is full of this warm pleasant feeling as if there was a whole sunny day inside his chest. The fact that he can just do this, be with Dazai, feel his skin on his, take his hand without any other reason than just because he wants to – it's more than he was ever hoping for. Such a small gesture and it feels as if Kunikida was holding the whole universe in his hands.

Kunikida smiles to himself thinking about it, watching the big striped fish swimming right in front of him. After a few minutes he starts feeling Dazai's intense gaze and when he turns to face him, Dazai's eyes don't run away. In the dim light they are shining like beautiful stars.

He tilts his head, still watching Kunikida with undivided attention. Heat spreads on Kunikida's face but it's not unpleasant.

"What?" he asks quietly.

Dazai smiles, this bewitching smile of his. Kunikida is a grown, adult man, too old and sensible to say he feels butterflies in his stomach. But it's definitely something similar.

"Nothing" he says, his voice light-hearted, eyes full of... everything. Everything that's important. And Kunikida understands. He smiles back, Dazai's hand in his, as it should always be. 

*

It gets tough sometimes, but that's just how it is. So when Dazai wakes up feeling miserable, his eyes full of this unexplainable sadness, Kunikida stays by his side to take care of him. It requires a lot of patience from both of them, learning how to be together no matter what, but they get used to it, day by day, step by step. 

A few days later Kunikida watches Dazai at his desk, joking with Ranpo, despite the bags under his eyes. Because he's getting better at his own pace, he's working to get better. It fills Kunikida's heart with something light and hopeful.

He goes back to his own report, ignoring the way Dazai is definitely slacking off. At least for now Kunikida has some peace, filing the papers, used to the mild noises around him. However, it's not long before someone is wrapping his long arms around his shoulders and plastering himself to Kunikida's back.

"Hi, sweetheart" he hears Dazai's voice near his ear.

Kunikida rolls his eyes, unfortunately with noticeable fondness. "Do you need anything?"

"Attention." Dazai grins when Kunikida shoots him an unimpressed look. "I'm gonna head out earlier."

Kunikida nods, not questioning it. "Is everything–"

"Yeah" Dazai says with a small reassuring smile. Kunikida nods again, understanding he doesn't need to worry. He will, anyway, because it's him, but not as much.

"Come back to my place later" Dazai adds. 

"Sure."

"See you then." Dazai smiles and leans in to press a kiss against Kunikida's cheek. 

"You guys are disgusting" they hear Ranpo's voice. He's standing in front of their desk, grimacing, as if he wasn't making out with Poe in the middle of the office a few days ago.

Kunikida arches his brow, unfazed at this point and Dazai sticks out his tounge at the older detective like the adult he supposedly is.

A few hours later Kunikida is opening the door to Dazai's dorm, hearing the noises coming from the kitchen. The sight that awaits him is Dazai stirring something in the pan, beaming brightly at seeing Kunikida. Surprisingly, there's no fire anywhere.

"You're cooking?" he asks, pointing out the obvious.

"Apparently."

"But you hate that" Kunikida continues, his confusion deepening.

Dazai frowns. "It's not that I hate cooking, it's that I never need to." He shrugs, turning off the gas and stepping towards Kunikida.

"Then what's the occasion?"

"None, just..." Dazai sighs, rubbing his face. "Just wanted to do something for you, I guess. I know this week hasn't been the best."

Kunikida wraps his arms around Dazai's waist to pull him closer. He can feel the man relaxing into his touch.

"You know that's not something you should be sorry for? And that you don't have to make it up to me?"

"Yeah, I know." Dazai looks at him like he still can't fully believe it. Nevertheless, Kunikida sees the tension leaving him, his eyes brightening again. "Besides, I can just do something nice for the best partner I've ever had, can't I?"

Kunikida smiles. "Thank you, Dazai."

"Anything for you, honey" Dazai giggles. Kunikida raises his brow (Dazai has recently become obsessed with pet names, for better or for worse). He doesn't have much time to ponder, though, because Dazai is already leaning closer and Kunikida meets him halfway, connecting their lips in a soft kiss. 

It's hardly the first time yet it still sends shivers down Kunikida's spine when Dazai's lips are so pliant against his, when they move together like that's what they were made for. Dazai hums encouragingly, brushing one of his hands through Kunikida's hair, putting the other on his chest, clutching his shirt. Kunikida lightly tightens the grip on his waist as soon as Dazai deepens the kiss.

They pull away only when they have to breathe, not moving further than an inch, panting into each other's mouth with giddy smiles on their lips.

"It would be nice if we actually tried what I made" Dazai mutters. Kunikida presses one last kiss to his lips, then one on top of his head, because it never fails to make Dazai blush, and lets him go. 

A few minutes later they're sitting at the kitchen table with the pasta Dazai made (which is pretty good, actually). Kunikida is listening to Dazai telling him about something that happened on the last case he and Ranpo had. He can't keep his gaze off Dazai, the way his eyes are shining, his hands gesturing, the way he just seems so...happy.

It's been a few months since they decided to try for real after that questionable deal and the whole time of dancing around each other. Sometimes Kunikida still can't quite believe that this is his life. He would have never thought it would look like this and at the same time he can't imagine how he could've ever wanted something different.

It's so incredibly domestic, just spending time with Dazai like that, being able to look at him for however long he wants, kiss him whenever he desires, to hear him laugh, to take care of each other. Kunikida will never get tired of this, because it feels so right and he could do it every single day and–

"Would you ever like to move in together?" is what suddenly comes out of Kunikida's mouth. He notices Dazai freeze and go quiet, but the words keep spilling uncontrollably. "Have our own place, not like now or soon, just..." Kunikida finally stops himself, feeling the sense of dread growing inside him, telling him he fucked up.

Dazai's smile falters. His gaze is on Kunikida, but it seems like he's looking through him, like he still hasn't fully comprehend the question. 

"Why?" Dazai asks but Kunikida is already shaking his head, realising he should've thought this through, make a plan, a list or anything instead of acting this impulsive. 

Yet, he's aware that's how Dazai makes him act. With Dazai everything always feels more sudden, stronger, unpredictable. And that's exactly what Kunikida chose. 

"Forget it, it's stupid" Kunikida says, feeling the heat crawling up his face, solely because of being unprepared. 

Dazai seems to shake off, his eyes eventually focusing on Kunikida, nothing similar to coldness or wariness in them, just curiosity. "No, I mean, why?" he asks and there's genuine interest in his voice. He doesn't seem like he's about to run away or throw Kunikida out, which is a bit reassuring. He's just a little confused, apparently. "Let me into that head of yours."

Kunikida looks at him and reminds himself that it's Dazai, the person he trusts the most. In the worst case he will just make an embarrassing sap of himself.

He takes a deep breath. "Because I love you. So much" he says, because in the end it's as simple as that. "And I don't care if you believe me or not but I really want to spend my life with you." Kunikida furrows his brows after turning these words over in his head, realising they don't sound quite right. "Actually fuck that, I do care if you believe me. And I'm going to try and make you believe."

Dazai doesn't react at first, keeps watching Kunikida with such intensity that makes it impossible to hide from his gaze. In the silence that falls between them, Kunikida can almost hear his heart pounding, but he doesn't do anything, just waits for Dazai's move, observing how he fidgets with his fingers, carefully analysing Kunikida's every word, like he usually does.

"It's not that easy for me" he murmurs quietly at last, gaze slipping down to his plate. 

Kunikida swallows, a dreadful feeling spreading inside his chest. "I know, I'm sorry if I made you–"

Before Kunikida realises, Dazai gets up from his seat and closes the distance between them in few quick steps, successfully stopping him from finishing that sentence. 

Kunikida gasps with surprise, then content, when their lips meet in a heated kiss, conveying everything unsaid. He wraps his arms around Dazai, embracing him without the intention of ever letting go, while the other man straddles his lap to get even closer. 

"I love you too, you idiot" Dazai blurts out, panting against Kunikida's lips. Kunikida is too amazed by these words and the sight in front of him to form a full sentence. Dazai's eyes are wide open, shining and focused solely on Kunikida, as if there wasn't anything else in the world. The blush on his cheeks is so lovely, Kunikida's heart does a flip, and on his lips, pink and parted, there's a smile, soft and bewitching.

Dazai cups Kunikida's face, as if to make sure he doesn't look anywhere else, as if to make sure he understands when Dazai says "You make it easier."

Kunikida is still unable to think clearly, to say anything, so he just turns his head to press a soft kiss on Dazai's palm, never breaking the eye contact.  Dazai brushes his thumb over his cheek, sighing quietly.

"I will have to think about that proposition for some time, though."

"Whatever you need" Kunikida says, hugging Dazai close, warm body in his arms, warming up the inside of his chest. 

Dazai looks at him and there's this glint in his eyes, one that always pulls Kunikida in, one that Kunikida will one day figure out. 

"Just you, I think" Dazai whispers, with a smile so genuine Kunikida can't help but smile back and lean to kiss that man senseless. His heart is racing when Dazai kisses back, giggling against his lips, and Kunikida would have never imagined he could feel so carefree and just so incredibly in love. Head clouded with the thoughts about how the man in his arms is the one he's sharing a life with, how they finally found each other and agreed to be found, he can't imagine this moment ending, living in this small eternity they created. 

For a second Kunikida wonders how the hell did he ever think it could be meaningless, that this could be nothing. Because now it's the total opposite.

Now, this is everything.