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Chapter Text

Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter often spend time in their dorm doing various things, and today happens to be one of those days. Sirius and Remus cuddling on Sirius’ bed, James pretending to be dead on his own bed, and Peter scribbling something at his desk with some light music in the background before James’ voice flows through the air.

“Hey guys?”

“Yeah, James?” Remus replies looking over at James with a hint of exhaustion on his face. Sirius hums but doesn’t open his eyes to actually look at James. Pete doesn’t answer, all too entranced in his own world.

“So,” James starts. “Regulus said something to me the other day and it's not really my place to say anything, but I don’t know what else to do.”

An “Oh” escapes Sirius’ mouth while Remus continues to run his hand through Sirius’ hair and gestures for James to continue.

“He said that he got kicked out, but didn’t tell me why and I wanted to invite him home with us but I thought it would be best if you would do it.” James practically spits out like he couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Sirius says absolutely nothing. He gets up, grabs his wand and the map, walks out of the dorm, and slams the door.

“He's not mad at you James,” Remus speaks up, now standing to go sit next to James, “he’s mad at a lot of people, but not you.”

James sighs, “No, I know, I wish Reg had told him though.”

“Yeah, he should have.”

“Regulus,” Sirius whisper shouts finding Regulus in the library, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what”

Sirius is close to Regulus now, close enough to recognize Regulus’ slightly puffy and red eyes. “That you got kicked out”

“Who told you-” Regulus cuts himself off and sighs, “James.”

“Yeah, Reggie do you think he wouldn’t?”

Regulus looks almost ashamed as if he did something horrible. “Did he tell you why?”

“No, he said he didn’t know why”

“Oh”

Regulus lowers his voice even further before speaking, “Sirius, they kicked me out because I told Mother that I’m gay.”

Suddenly Regulus feels strong arms around him and can smell Sirius’s cologne. He wraps his arms around Sirius in return, not too concerned if anyone sees as it is a sunny Saturday so not many people are in the library.

Regulus is the first to pull away, upset he let himself be seen as weak in front of his brother.

“Regulus, you know that being gay is not a bad thing, right?”

Regulus nods, not making eye contact with Sirius, “I knew you’d say that. I could tell you and Remus are a little more than friends.”

“What,” Sirius says eyes wide, “You can?”

“No, well kind of?” Regulus laughs. “James kind of told me but I had a suspicion before.”

Sirius has a harsh look on his face, clearly displeased with James’ actions. He contemplates walking away entirely but starts speaking instead. “Why did-”

Regulus cuts Sirius off, “I wanted to talk and he wanted to listen. I told him what was happening and why. He wanted to make me feel better I guess?”

Sirius opens his mouth to speak before Regulus once again quickly cuts him off. “I was going to tell you regardless if I had talked to James or not, I just needed my own time to process and I couldn’t talk to any of my friends about it. I told them but- they don’t know what it’s like.”

“I just would have liked to hear that my little brother got kicked out for being gay from him and not from my best friend.”

“That’s understandable, sorry.”

Sirius sighs, “No, it’s okay, James is easy to talk to, he has a way of getting people to open up to him.”

Regulus laughs a little, “Yeah, I guess I proved that hunh.”

“And speaking of which,” Sirius adds before his small smile falters, “I know you don’t need my help or anything, and you don’t like it when people pity you, so I’m not going to. But you know that I live with James and he wanted me to tell you that him and his family extended that invitation towards you. I know you can handle everything on your own and you might already have a place to stay, but just think about it.”

“Okay, I will think about it.”

“Can we agree to start telling each other these things? Cause we are each other's only family now.”

“Yeah, I can agree to that,” Regulus says smiling, happy to be friends with his brother for the first time in a long time.

Sirius starts to walk back to his dorm before Regulus speaks up again, “How do you always know where I am?”

Sirius laughs loud and genuine, making Regulus smile. “You’ll find out one day baby Black, and today is not that day. I will talk with you later.”

Sirius bursts through the door, scaring the shit out of his roommates who are continuing their chill day.

“James” Sirius calls out in a sing-song tone before closing the door.

“Oh god, Moony hide me” James shrieks and runs across the room to try to get behind Remus.

“The fuck have you done in the time Sirius was gone, you didn’t even leave the room?” Remus laughs moving out of the way so he is not blocking James. He's gotten tackled far too many times to try to block James from Sirius.

Unlike normal Sirius does not go to tackle James and instead sits on his bed, crosses his legs, and bats his eyelashes. “James my dearest have you been cheating on me with my brother?”

Remus almost falls over he's laughing so hard, unable to breathe. James however is flabbergasted and silent.

Sirius continues, ”Well I had a chat with Reggie and it seems that you two have been quite close recently.”

“Uh, no,” James responds, Remus just starts laughing harder, finding this entire situation incredibly funny.

Sirius breaks his character, returning back to normal. “No but like you could have told me that you are Reg are friends”

“Sirius,” James says, sounding much calmer than before, “we aren’t really friends, he wanted to talk so I listened.”

“He said the same thing. But he also said that you told him about Moony and I. And you could have told me why he got kicked out.”

This peaks Remus’ interest suddenly “You did what?”

“Oh yeah,” Sirius starts, directing his attention towards Remus. “Reggie’s gay and apparently to comfort him James told him that we are together. I don’t mind 'cause it's Regulus,” Sirius turns back to James, “but I would have liked to know.”

“Sorry,” James mumbles, looking down at his feet.

“I- It’s okay James, Reggie isn’t going to do anything with the information and you knew that, I don’t mind,” Remus replies very level-headedly.

“You guys aren’t mad at me?” James speaks up looking ever so slightly worried.

“No James,” Sirius starts, walking over to sit next to James. “We are not mad at you, I wish he had come to me but you are the next best option, so.”

“Thank Merlin.” James laughs while pushing Sirius over.

Chapter Text

James can't sleep, he can't ever sleep but tonight is worse, for whatever reason. So he has found himself wandering around the halls attempting to tire himself out. They had just gotten back from a weekend at home and perhaps James might be missing his parents. He'd never admit that to anyone, besides maybe his mom.

James comes across the astronomy tower and decides to make the trek to the top, hoping something about it would make him want to sleep. As James reaches the observation room he doesn't seem to notice the small figure in the corner.

"James?"

James shrieks like a five-year-old girl. He nearly jumps out of his skin before gathering himself enough to speak. "Regulus?" Regulus sighs, upset that his alone time has been cut short.

"Sorry," James responds timidly, "I can go if you want."

"It's okay, stay if you want." Regulus shrugs

James eventually settles, sitting on the floor a couple of feet away from Regulus.

Regulus gets scared half to death when James suddenly starts speaking after minutes of quiet. "Why are you up here, it's late?"

"Couldn't sleep," Regulus lies half-heartedly, "You?"

"Ohhh, nightmares right?"

"Yeah, how'd you-" Regulus gets cut off by James already starting to explain himself.

"You and Sirius get them of your parents and that house. Sirius doesn't get them a lot anymore, he says not going back there has helped. Remus too, although he probably wouldn't admit that out loud."

Regulus pauses, thinking over what he wants to share with James. "Oh, hm. I guess mine will get better then."

"What?"

Regulus pauses again, preparing himself. "I- they kicked me out."

"Oh." James pauses before choosing his next words carefully. "If you don't mind me asking, why?"

"I like boys." Regulus lets out, just barely loud enough for James to hear.

James is the one to stop and think carefully this time, leaving the room in an awkward silence before he speaks. "Thank you for telling me. I want you to know that they are in the wrong, not you."

"No, I know."

"Sirius does too. I don't know if he still likes girls but him and Remus are-" James lets out almost rambling, not wanting to say the wrong thing to Regulus.

"I kind of figured. I had a suspicion before, but when you said that Remus helps him, I knew."

James lets out a small "oh" before yawning and slowly getting up "I'm gonna go get some sleep, you staying here?" If James didn't know Regulus he would say that he almost looks disappointed that he's leaving.

"Yeah. James?" Regulus asks looking up at James, somehow looking smaller than he did before.

"Hm?"

"Don't tell anyone," Regulus says carefully.

"Of course. And if you need anything don't be afraid to ask, okay?"

"Okay," Regulus nods, knowing full well the last person he would want to go to for help is James Potter. Even though he did just have a meaningful conversation with him and is currently listening to James make his way down the tower. It is at that moment Regulus realizes how truly fucked he actually is, and that sooner or later he will have to ask someone for help.

As James makes his way back to his shared dorm thinking over his interaction with Regulus he realizes that this was the first time he'd seen Regulus out of his normal day clothes and in pajamas. He feels his face warm at the thought, seeing Regulus vulnerable and willing to open up to him.

Next James ponders how he could help Regulus. All of his options unfortunately include going against Regulus' wishes and telling someone. After some mulling over he decides that he's going to talk to his parents, to at least give Regulus a place to stay even if he doesn't want it. James also decides that he'll tell Sirius too, thinking maybe he already knew. He just needs to figure out how.

Eventually, James does get back to his dorm and settles in bed. He can't help but wonder if Regulus has also gone to bed or if he is still up in the astronomy tower alone in the dark.

Chapter Text

Days pass after Regulus' talk with Sirius and he can't help but to feel lonely. He can't stop thinking about his conversation with James and in turn his conversation with Sirius as well. He's realized that his only option is going to be accepting Sirius and James' help.

Regulus sits in the observation room of the astronomy tower mulling over everything that has happened in the past week. He hates the fact that he let himself be vulnerable to anyone but himself, never mind James who was most definitely only being nice to Regulus to not piss off Sirius. Regulus finds this truly ridiculous as up until recently he and Sirius have had very little contact with each other.

Regulus always envied Sirius, even when they were young, Sirius was always so much more outgoing than Regulus, made friends so much easier. Bad things would happen and it always seemed to just roll off this back and not impact him in the slightest. But even in his three years at Hogwarts Regulus has made very few friends, none of them being as close as Sirius and his friends are.

Right now all Regulus wants is to be young again when Sirius would sneak into his room at night to make him feel better. He misses the relationship he had with Sirius before they went to Hogwarts. But Regulus knows that it won't happen because Sirius is happy with his life here, he doesn't need Regulus. No one does.

Just as a tear escapes his eye Regulus hears footsteps echoing, someone obviously coming up to the top of the tower. He quickly wipes his face and picks up his book to pretend nothing was just happening.

"Regulus?" James' voice echoes up to Regulus.

He closes his book and doesn't answer until James reaches the room and he can see him. "Go away James."

"I know you're mad and if you want me to I'll go but I wanted to talk to you."

"You get five minutes," Regulus says nonchalantly, but he truly does want to believe that James is here because he feels bad for telling Sirius and whoever else his secrets.

"I know you told me not to tell anyone," James starts, "but I wanted to help you and I couldn't do it by myself."

"Who else did you tell James?"

"My parents and Sirius told Remus. That's it I promise." James' voice remains calm and steady, hoping that Regulus will find it comforting.

"Not even your other friend Peter, I think his name is." Regulus questions sounding concerned and slightly angry.

"No, not even Pete. You, me, Sirius, and Remus are the only ones."

"Oh." Regulus pauses, all anger in his face leaving. "Why'd you have Sirius ask if I wanted to live there, instead of doing it yourself?"

"I figured you'd listen to him, and actually consider it," James whispers the last part but Regulus hears anyway.

A few minutes pass before James speaks again, "Sirius really wants to live with you again you know."

"He does?" Regulus' voice has hints of childlike excitement, but his body is still very closed off, not letting himself get too excited.

"Yeah Reg, he hasn't stopped talking about what it would be like this summer, all the things he wants to show you."

"I didn't know that," Regulus says quietly, slightly smiling at the nickname. His smile falters as the silence continues. His own thoughts running his mood.

"What's wrong?" James asks, clearly noticing Regulus' shift in mood.

"What about you, and your parents? Do you guys want me there?" Regulus asks timidly.

"Yeah Regulus, we do. I care about you and your safety." James talks in a strong and stern, also calming voice.

"You barely know me," Regulus says, letting his demeanor fall, deciding to show his true emotions to James. He lets his posture fall, uncrossing his arms and bringing his knees to his chest. Something about James' presence makes Regulus feel more comfortable showing himself and his emotions. He makes Regulus feel safer than he has in years, just like Sirius had said that James has the tendency to do.

James shifts so they aren't sitting next to each other and instead he's looking directly at Regulus "That doesn't mean I can't care about you, and want good things for you."

"You actually want me to come live at your house?"

"Yes Regulus, I do." James remains patient and calm with Regulus, smiling remembering how he had done the same with Sirius years ago. James remembers how distraught Sirius was that he'd no longer be able to protect Regulus. He then looks at Regulus now and he still sees parts of the little kid that Sirius wanted to protect.

Regulus is actually speechless, he wants to think that James is just saying these things to be nice or to screw him over in the future but it seems as though James is saying these things to Regulus because he truly means them. Regulus starts to feel tears well in his eyes for the second time that day, but for the first time since he was a small child, Regulus doesn't try to hide it.

James notices immediately, "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to make you upset, that is not what I was trying to do. I'll go if you want."

James starts to get up when Regulus reaches to grab his wrist and have him sit back down. "Stay." Is all Regulus needs to say to break James' heart.

"Okay," James whispers, "Do you want a hug?"

Regulus nods, letting himself be wrapped in James' arms. No one ever asked Regulus if he wanted a hug, he had never particularly liked them and how people, including Sirius, often hugged him when they thought he needed it. Regulus lets himself cry in James' arms for a long time, long enough for both boys to start to get sleepy. And for Regulus to come to terms with a lot of the things that he's feeling. He pulls away from James, wipes his face with his sleeves, and asks, "You asked me if I wanted a hug, why?"

"Cause," James says," I didn't know if you wanted one and I don't like it when people give me hugs when I don't want one, so I asked."

"Thank you," Regulus responds, smiling a small, real, genuine smile.

"Of course." James says yawning, "I think I'm going to go to bed though, are you coming?"

"No, I'll stay."

"Do you sleep in here?" James asks concerningly.

"Sometimes" Regulus replies timidly, almost as if someone were shouting at him.

"Why?"

"The stars," Regulus points, "Being able to see them helps with the nightmares."

"Oh, I'll remember that."

"Why?" Regulus is the one to ask.

"For when we set up your room." James says while standing up like it's the most obvious thing in the world, "Goodnight Regulus"

"Night" Regulus whispers, but James doesn't hear him. Regulus falls asleep quickly, not giving him a chance to think about the night's events.

All James thinks about on the walk back to his dorm is that he's glad Regulus will never have to go back to the Black family house again.

Chapter Text

Some days later, after another couple of late-night visits with James, Regulus is sitting up in the astronomy tower writing when he hears a familiar voice calling his name.

James likes to make his presence known as soon as he starts climbing the tower to not scare Regulus. He likes to have one-sided conversations with himself on the way up. A few times James heard Regulus giggling softly at some of the things he said. Tonight though James didn't hear anything at all. He wondered if Regulus was even up there. He continued the trek anyway, talking and singing to himself.

He makes it to the top where the observation room is and finds Regulus sitting in his normal spot intently writing in a journal. He doesn't look up when James makes it to the top or when he sits down next to Regulus.

"What are you writing?" James asks. He hasn't seen Regulus so focused before, even mid-chapter of a book he'll still stop to look at James.

"Give me like two minutes" Regulus answers, still not looking up from his notebook.

James waits, and waits, and waits. He probably only waits a couple of minutes but it feels like an eternity. James doesn't like sitting in silence, he doesn't know what to do, and his thoughts come and go quicker than he can hold onto them. When Regulus puts his journal down and starts talking James almost has a heart attack.

"What did you say?"

"Hm?" James snaps his head so he's looking at Regulus.

"What did you say?" Regulus asks again.

"Oh, I asked what you were writing."

"Nothing, it doesn't matter."

"Yes it does, you were writing in there for forever."

"Drop it potter, it doesn't matter, It's none of your business." Regulus snaps

"Okay"

This was the first time James had even a fraction of Regulus' anger directed towards him. He absolutely hated it. James had seen Regulus get angry, mostly at people who would say nasty things about Sirius. And mostly without Regulus' knowledge. That's something Regulus and Sirius had in common, even if they were in the middle of a fight they would defend the other like no one else.

"I'm sorry," Regulus mumbles, "It's not your fault."

"What"

"In first year a couple of Gryffindor boys stole it, started spreading rumors that our parents were going to make Sirius and I-" Regulus pauses and takes a deep breath. "or that they had. Nothing like that ever happened nor would I write that it did. But anyways they found my personal information funny and would read it out loud."

"Reg, I had no idea" James answers.

"No I know, I didn't mean to direct my anger towards you, I'm just really protective over it, Barty and Evan don't even know where I put it, never mind what's inside."

"It's okay Regulus, you don't have to explain yourself to me, I understand." James is calm and reassuring, more so than Regulus has ever heard in his entire life. He doesn't really even know how to react, it's so different from what he's used to. He feels safe though, confident that James and the little family he's built will show him what family really means, he hopes so at least.

"Sorry" Regulus whispers

"Don't be sorry Reg, it's not your fault." James tries not to show it but he's sad for Regulus, sad that he reminds James so much of Sirius only a few years ago, sad that Regulus hasn't been able to truly be himself all these years.

Regulus stands up suddenly, slightly startling James. He walks over to the telescope, "Come here" Regulus waves James over. "I wanna show you something."

"Can you see the group of stars that kind of look like an animal, the body is almost a rectangle with a curved head on the top right?"

"Yeah"

"Now look to the bottommost star on the right, it should be the brightest of the bunch."

"Okay"

"That's Regulus, my star."

James smiles, Regulus knows the position of his star by memory, his cheeks start to heat, thinking about how passionate Regulus is about this makes James' intestines twist and turn but not in the way they do before a presentation, he likes the feeling, it's different from what he's used to.

"Step back for a second" Regulus positions the telescope in the direction of Canis Major "Okay go ahead." James steps back up to the telescope and Regulus begins to narrate again

"You should see a group of stars that are supposed to look like a dog. I don't see it but that's just me. But there's a rectangle-type shape that has a curved line at the top left, two lines at the bottom left, one short and one long, two lines at the bottom right kind of the same length, and the top right almost looks like a flag but it's supposed to be the head. Right below that is the top right corner of the rectangle. That star is Sirius."

"Reg that's so cool! How do you know everything off the top of your head, you didn't even need to look when you were describing them to me."

"It's second nature to me now, for a long time at the house after my parents went to sleep I would climb onto the roof and just lay there looking at the sky. Some nights Sirius would be up there too, some nights he'd already be asleep."

"Would you sleep up there too?" James mocks.

"No James, I did not sleep on the roof of the Black family manor."

"Listen, I just wanted to check okay." James defends himself in the same mocking tone.

"Mhm right, just checking, sure." Regulus sits back down in his normal spot against the wall, James following.

After a few beats James starts speaking, "I know you don't really like talking about stuff but if you want to I'm always around. Sirius isn't always the easiest to talk to so I just wanted to put it out there."

"Thank you," Regulus whispers.

"Also," James continues, "if you wanted to hang out during the day I usually have time after our Quidditch practice, or you could come to watch and hang out with Remus if you wanted to."

"Why?" Regulus askes timidly.

"Cause," James starts, "You're my friend and I want to hang out with you more but the only time I know where you are is in the middle of the night. And no, I am not going to go into that library to look for you." James knows he could easily find Regulus anytime he wants but he feels weird about using the map to find Regulus.

"Okay, James doesn't like the library, noted." Regulus laughs

"No, James does not like the library." James yawns and stands up, "Come to practice sometime, that way I won't have to go because I'm falling asleep."

"Aww, is baby getting tired?" Regulus mocks in a fake baby voice.

"Yes, he is, leave him alone. And think about coming to practice, you might actually like it.

"Goodnight Jamieee."

James almost stumbles on the stairs and his heart skips a beat. He gets the same feeling in his stomach and heat in his cheeks.

"Night Reg," James calls back a second later. It's not the first time he's felt this with Regulus, in fact it's only happening more the more time he spends with him. James isn't stupid, he knows that this is how you feel when you have a crush on someone. But he can't have a crush on Regulus because he doesn't like boys. He had a crush on Lily in first and second year but it went away after a while. James is hoping that this thing Regulus will do the same, after all, it can't be a crush because he doesn't like boys.

James lays awake that night thinking about what it might mean for him to have a crush on a boy, never mind his best friend's brother, not that it is even a crush. James knows that people can like both boys and girls, he knows Sirius does. His parents raised him telling him that people like people and it doesn't matter what gender they are. James doesn't even know if he likes boys, maybe this truly is just not a crush, maybe he's getting sick.

Regulus has an easy time falling asleep that night, he thinks about how James called Regulus his friend and that James wants to see him more. Regulus wants to keep spending time with James too, he likes how he feels when James is around. It's like James' attitude is contagious, and Regulus likes taking a break from real life with James.

Chapter Text

Regulus did go to James' Quidditch practice a few days later, he found out when it was through Barty sense James decided to leave out that detail, and he wasn't particularly keen on asking him.

Regulus didn't really make his presence known, he hid under the stands during practice and behind some bushes when the players were coming off the field. He left when James started to hang around.

James was distracted all practice, he's lucky it's the end of the year because his coach would have had it in for him if it wasn't. These practices are mostly just for fun. He knows Sirius can tell something is up but he thankfully doesn't mention it.

James knows Remus watches practice, he finds himself mindlessly making his way up to him.

"Moony?"

"Hm?"

"I think I have a crush on someone." James sighs, as much as he likes talking with people about various things he finds it hard to talk about his own feelings.

"Oh, okay, who is it? And no offense but I think you'd rather talk to Sirius about this." Remus is surprised, James usually goes to Sirius with anything like this, they always just clicked better, more like brothers rather than friends. Sirius is better at it anyway, the whole 'crush' thing isn't really something Remus can advise people on.

"Remus I think I like a boy." James doesn't have his usual tone, he sounds serious.

"Then I really think you should talk to Sirius cause he-"

"It's Regulus, I think I have a crush on Regulus." James isn't embarrassed but it's not like this is something he's ready to announce to the world.

"Okay, now I see why you don't want to talk to Sirius." Remus snickers

"Remus!"

"Listen, James, I don't know how to help you." Remus sighs, "How'd this even happen anyway?"

"Right after we got back from our last home visits. I was missing my parents a little and couldn't sleep, so I was wandering around and made my way up the astronomy tower. Regulus was up there and we talked, I've been going up just about every other night since."

"That's how you knew about him getting kicked out?" Remus says it as more of a statement than a question, James answers anyway.

"Yeah, he told me that first night I found him up there."

"James you have to tell Sirius, you've got to tell Regulus. I mean he's going to be living with you!"

"Or I could just pretend it doesn't exist." James doesn't even want to be having this conversation right now, let alone think about having it with Sirius or Regulus.

"Yeah, I'm sure that will go real well." Remus is snippy, James knows he's in pain, his knees specifically, he has his cane out today.

"I'm just gonna go, they are probably wondering what's taking me so long anyways." James starts down the stands, he doesn't feel great about their conversation but he's glad he at least said it to someone out loud.

"Prongs?"

"Hm?"

"If you want to talk about it you know where to find me okay?"

"Okay, yeah."

***

Regulus makes his way back to his dorm, a bit disappointed he only managed to catch the tail end of practice. From what he could tell James looked distracted, he was there physically but mentally it looked like he was in a different dimension.

Sirius was having a great time though, he had only ever seen Sirius play in a game against himself. He looked like he belonged there, he was messing around with his teammates and he had a smile on his face the entire time.

When Regulus opens the door to his dorm he finds Evan sitting on his bed reading.

"Hey," Regulus announces his presence.

"Where were you? Evan asks

"Quidditch practice." Regulus decides to not lie to Evan, he'd probably find out anyway. Evan has a talent for those sorts of things, except when it comes to Barty. Evan has expressed how much he hates the fact that he can't read Barty. Regulus finds it truly hilarious that they have a crush on each other and neither one of them knows.

"We didn't have practice today."

"I didn't say it was my practice." Regulus comments before sitting on the edge of his bed that's across from Evan's.

"Oooooooooo who's is it then?" Evan slides further down on his bed, more intrigued.

"James Potter invited me"

"A Gryffindor wow. And isn't he one of your brother's friends?" Evan fully discards his book.

"He is, and it's not like that, he's a friend." Regulus is careful with his words, he doesn't want to think about liking James. He's only recently come to terms with the fact that James actually does want to be his friend.

"Okay, how did you become friends with him anyway? I haven't seen you hanging around Sirius lately."

"The day we got back from our home visits he found me in the astronomy tower. Everything was so fresh and he was asking me what was wrong and I told him. He came back a few days later and told me to live with him and Sirius." Regulus looks down at his shoes, even with Evan, one of his best friends he finds it hard to talk about this stuff.

"Really?" Evan questions.

"Yeah, and I guess by then he decided he wanted to keep coming back up there and I let him."

"Reg, I know Barty and I don't have the best homes either but you could have asked."

"I know, but I didn't ask, he offered, and strongly advised me to say yes. Plus Sirius has lived there for years now and it'd be good to stay with him again."

"I get it." Evan pauses, "So you and Potter?"

"Are friends." Regulus finishes.

"You're going to be living with him. You'll see each other all the time like 24/7 and you don't think anything is going to happen."

"No, and that's why we are friends. Now drop it, I need to study."

"Okay, consider it dropped." Evan goes back to his book.

Chapter Text

"James?" Regulus asks. They had been laying in silence next to each other. Regulus was watching the stars flicker, and was sure James had fallen asleep.

"Yeah?"

"What's your house like?" Regulus doesn't look at James, he doesn't want to. He can feel that James is looking at him and doesn't want to have to meet his eyes. Sometimes when James looks at Regulus it's like he can see right through him, right into his soul.

Sometimes it makes Regulus wonder if James can actually see into his soul. Although if James could see into his soul Regulus is sure he wouldn't want to be his friend anymore.

"What?" James is shamelessly staring at Regulus, he loves hearing Regulus talk, getting a glimpse of what goes on in his head.

"Like what would I be able to expect on a day to day basis?"

"Well," James sighs, thinking back to what the past summers have been. "Mum loves to cook and dad really likes cleaning so they don't really use magic around the house, but they never discouraged Sirius or I to use magic for such things. I usually wake up early to go for a run or practice quidditch. I do more running now though cause I can't get anyone out of bed to actually practice with me. Sirius usually doesn't get up until the early afternoon. Mum will make breakfast, but has everyone get food for themselves for lunch, and we typically have dinner together. That's about it I think."

"Really?" Regulus finds himself turning his head to look at James despite his brain screaming at him not to.

James looks away, "I mean yeah, our day to day activities vary but that's it really."

"That sounds really nice actually." He scans the side of James' face trying to find any hint of contempt. He doesn't see any but maybe he just can't read James like he thought he could.

"Yeah, it is." James smiles knowing that Regulus will end up fitting into this life, his life, perfectly.

Regulus looks away from James, eyes diverting back up into the night sky. He feels self conscious now, it seems like James and his family have a nice life and he doesn't want to mess it up.

"What about space?" Regulus asks

"What" James laughs

"Like in your house, you implied before that I'd get my own room. I don't want to put you out." Regulus doesn't look away from the sky, he knows he sounds like a child but it is a genuine concern of his.

"Regulus I promise you don't have to worry about that, we have two extra bedrooms, one of which we will make yours and the other can stay a guest room." James tries to sound comforting.

"But what if-"

James cuts Regulus off. "It's fine Reg, whatever it is, it's fine. I promise." James turns his head and places his hand on Regulus' arm.

Regulus' eyes are pulled away from the night sky to meet James'. It's the first time James and Regulus' eyes have met in tandem and on purpose. Regulus doesn't feel uneasy like he normally does when he looks into someone's eyes. He actually feels closer to James, like he knows him on a deeper level. Regulus can't actually know James more, right? It's not possible to just look at someone and know them.

Regulus doesn't feel anything towards James so he can't be feeling adoration. He must be feeling some new emotion that he doesn't know how to place yet and is just confusing them. This must just be what a genuine friendship feels like. That's what Regulus is telling himself, having his heartbeat quicken and his stomach turn is unrelated to James, he must be coming down with something.

Regulus turns his head back to the stars, breaking eye contact with James. "Your parents."

"Hunh?" James also turns back to the sky but has yet to remove his hand from Regulus's arm.

"I'm sure having another kid around is going to make things harder for them. Plus I don't really have much and getting me things would cost a lot."

"You wanna know something"

Regulus nods, neither of them looking at each other.

"Well, my mum and dad always wanted a big family."

"You don't have any siblings." Regulus confirms.

"No, I guess they were having a ton of issues before and after I was born so they just stopped trying to have more kids. Actually doctors didn't think I would live. But evidently here I am, I'm what they call a miracle baby. But anyways they always wanted a big family but could only ever have me so I think they are actually kind of excited that you're coming to stay with us."

"What about Sirius?"

"Well his situation was a little different," James laughs. "We were in first year and it was Christmas time and Sirius didn't have anywhere to go so I dragged him with me. I didn't tell my parents or anything, we just got off the train together and I informed mum and dad that he would be living with us because he didn't have a home. They were naturally incredibly concerned that little 11? 12 year old? Sirius was homeless and I was asking to keep him like a lost puppy. After a little while and Sirius explaining what happened they brought him to the store and let him decorate his room and told him that this would be his home now."

"I remember that Christmas, everyone was trying to pretend he didn't exist. I hated him and the way he messed up how our lives were planned out. I got over that pretty quickly though, it got lonely not having anyone." Regulus has a somber tone in his voice, one that would usually go unnoticed, but it seems like James is able to read Regulus easier and easier each day.

"It's okay, that you hated him, you guys were just kids, it must have been hard."

"No." Regulus replies, "You aren't supposed to hate family." Regulus is sure of himself, determined to convince James.

"Your parents." James replies.

"What."

"Do you hate them?"

"I don't know. Is that okay?" Regulus doesn't really like asking questions, it makes him feel small and he hates feeling small.

"Yeah Reg, of course it is."

James doesn't make Regulus feel small though, he always feels like he's equal to James.

There's a lapse in the conversation, Regulus has always been the quieter Black sibling.

"Don't worry about the money either Reg, we have enough to go around. Plus mum is happy she has a reading buddy. Sirius and I don't pay attention particularly well and dad can barely sit still long enough to watch a 20 minute show on TV." James suddenly becomes painfully aware of his hand still resting on Regulus' arm. He feels his cheeks heat as the realization that he's been touching Regulus this entire time.

James finally pulls his hand away and kind of just looks at it for a moment, almost like he can't believe they were touching for that long.

Regulus misses the warmth that James' hand provided, the sudden loss of it sends shivers through his body. He gets a burst of Gryffindor courage and takes the hand James is inspecting into his own. Regulus sets both their hands on the floor in between them, he purposely doesn't look at James, feeling the heat return to his body and rushing to his cheeks.

James feels his stomach turn, nerves and excitement running through him. He manages to turn his head and look at Regulus, he can see Regulus' ears turning pink.

"James?" Regulus asks, "Are you gay?"

"I don't know, is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's okay." Regulus replies.

Chapter Text

"Ugh, Evan !" Regulus groans. He's lying like a starfish in the middle of his bed looking up at the ceiling. Barty isn't there, he's been avoiding Evan, neither of them will tell Regulus why but he has a pretty good idea. He's glad at this moment though cause Barty would definitely be laughing at him.

"What?" Evan laughs.

"James"

"Potter?" Evan responds intrigued. He sits crisscrossed at the end of his bed. "Tell me more."

Regulus sits up, mirroring Evan. "Last night, I don't know what came over me, stupidity most likely, but I asked if he was gay and held his hand."

Evan starts laughing hysterically, he falls over backwards making himself laugh even harder. "I'm dying!" He wheezes.

"Evan if you don't stop laughing right now I will snap your legs off and glue them back on backwards."

Evan abruptly stops and sits up, he shakes his head as if he's trying to get the image out of his mind. "Hold on, you asked him if he is gay, what did he say?"

"He said 'I don't know'!" Regulus flops onto his back and groans dramatically.

Evan tries to stifle his laugh, "And why are you upset that he doesn't know if he's gay or not?"

"I'm not upset!" Regulus shouts at the ceiling.

"And I'm not in love with Barty!"

There's a long stretch of silence that fills the room.

Regulus sits up and points at Evan. "That was uncalled for, I am not in love with Potter,"

"Regulus you asked the man if he was gay, and when you told me that he said he didn't know, you were all dramatic and frustrated like you were wishing that he said yes!"

Regulus doesn't like Evan at this moment, he actually kind of hates him. Evan should know by now that Regulus stopped wishing for things years ago. In fact, he stopped wishing part way through his first summer without Sirius, it's when he lost hope.

Regulus never liked speculation, including wishes, he prefers facts and evidence, facts don't let him down. He figured that out at a young age, younger than he probably should have.

"I-" Regulus pauses, a sudden realization coming to the forefront of his brain.

"I was. Bloody hell Evan I was." Regulus' voice sounds surprised like he isn't able to control the words coming out of his own mouth.

"You were what?" Evan asks, confused by Regulus once more.

Regulus sighs, "I was wishing he would say yes. I didn't know it but somewhere inside of me I was."

"So?" Evan pushes, "What does that mean?"

"I don't know Evan. I think- it could mean- I might have a small crush on James."

"See-"

"Please don't say I told you so 'cause I don't know exactly how I feel."

"Okay."

"Let me figure it out on my own."

"Okay," Evan whines. "I'm going to find Barty."

"Hey!" Regulus shouts as Evan gets up to go. "You fucking hypocrite!"

Evan doesn't respond and instead runs out the door

Regulus sits and contemplates what this might mean for him. He thinks about how he's been getting his hopes up and letting his guard down without even realizing it. And how scared that makes him.

***

James makes his way up to Remus in the quidditch stands. He hopes that no one will realize that he isn't following them into the locker rooms.

"Hey Moony?" James asks.

"Hm?" Remus doesn't look up from his book.

"You said I can talk to you about Regulus?"

Remus closes his book and places it carefully on the seat next to him. "Not in those exact words but yes, I'm listening."

"Don't be an ass, I'm kind of freaking out here."

"Well, go on." Remus gestures.

"Okay so last night we were up in the astronomy tower laying on the floor-"

"The floor?"

"Yes don't question it, anyways, he was upset and I was trying to comfort him so I put my hand on his arm." James starts shaking, remembering the night before, nerves spiking. He can't tell if it's leftover or from recalling it to Remus.

"James is that all, cause that's not really anything to freak out at, I mean we all know he doesn't like to be touched but." Remus is having a hard time consoling James, he's not good at that. He was homeschooled until Hogwarts so he never really had any friends.

"No, I mean yes but- it seems really stupid but when I moved my hand he grabbed it and held it."

"Seriously Prongs, that's it?" Remus smiles. It's funny seeing James flustered, even when he was obsessed with Lily he wasn't this bad.

"I mean yes, I know It's really stupid but yeah." James hangs his head down, looking at his hands, he really hates talking about his own feelings.

"Oh James, that's a good thing though, right?"

"I don't know." James sighs and puts his head in his hands.

"I thought you liked him?" Remus is sincere as far as James can tell, he's not mocking James or anything. James decides to be honest back to Remus.

"I think I do but I don't know, I've never liked a boy before. And not being able to talk to Srius is killing me."

"You have to talk to him James, keeping this from him is just going to make it worse later." Remus' voice is steady and calm, opposite to James' own.

"But I don't want to tell him if I'm unsure of anything, plus I'm not sure Regulus even considers me a friend, never mind anything else. Merlin, I can't even imagine that right now."

"Okay. Is there anything else cause it seems like you are still freaking out a bit?" Remus is trying to help James but he has a feeling that he isn't helping and is just making things worse.

James sighs. "Okay, yeah. There is one other thing. He asked me if I'm gay, I told him I don't know."

"Aw James, It's good that you were honest with him."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it wouldn't have benefited either of you if you lied to him. But freaking out about hand-holding isn't exactly productive either." Remus chuckles.

"I knowwww." James whines

"Feeling better now?" Both James and Remus are smiling now, some of the tension in the air dissipated.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go get cleaned up and get my stuff out of the locker room." James starts down the steps, "Thanks Moony."

James feels better having talked with someone but they leave in a few days and he doesn't know what it will be like staying with Regulus, Sirius, and his new confusing feelings. He's going to like living with Regulus though, spending more time with him.

Chapter Text

"Moonyyy stop laughing, it's not funny. I don't know how I'm going to survive without you. Every day is going to feel like a million years and everything is going to be so much harder." Sirius perks up a bit, "But maybe our time apart will make the time we spend together even better! But for now, I guess I just have to hold onto the memories and count down the days till we see each other again."

"Bloody hell Sirius, that was dramatic, even for you." Peter laughs, his book discarded next to him.

James snaps back into reality, "What did he do?"

"You really didn't catch anything he just said?" Remus questions James, astonished that he wasn't listening.

"Yeah Prongs, you've been zoning out a lot lately," Sirius adds.

James stands, "I think I'm gonna go walk around for a bit, clear my head."

"What's up with him?" Peter asks after James is out of earshot.

"I have no idea," Sirius says dimly.

James feels bad for not being as present as he should be with his friends but he has a plethora of new things he's feeling and has no idea how to handle them.

As James is walking around the train, he gets to the last car and is about to turn around; he sees movement in the dark and wants to go check it out.

He walks in and the figure in the darkness is unmoving, it looks like they are just sitting and staring off into the distance.

"Hello?" James calls out.

"Merlin, James you scared me."

James recognizes Regulus' voice immediately and goes to sit down next to him as his eyes start to adjust to the dark.

James gives Regulus a quizzical look, realizing he is sitting alone in the dark. "Why aren't you with your friends?"

"I could ask you the same thing you know."

"Mhm, but I'm checking on you." James sits down in the seat next to Regulus.

"I'm fine, I don't need to be checked on." Regulus' voice is flat.

"It's okay to be nervous Reg." It's getting easier for James to read Regulus, he's able to differentiate small changes in words or movements. Although James does not think that Regulus has realized that he can do this.

"I'm not."

"Regulus, you are sitting in a completely dark train car by yourself."

"No, you're here. Plus I sit in the dark every night."

"It's not nighttime."

"Fine, I'm anxious, there." Regulus snaps at James.

"Sorry."

"For what."

"I did not mean to push."

Regulus sighs with his whole body like he's realized that he's not in imminent danger. "You didn't, I snapped at you, sorry."

"It's okay," James puts his hand on Regulus' knee in a comforting gesture. "You can take it out on me if you need to."

Regulus feels his heart sink into his chest. How could someone like James be so comforting and understanding even when he is rude to him? Regulus blinks and suddenly his face is wet, tears falling out of his eyes. He quickly reaches to wipe his face with his sleeve. Merlin, he really doesn't want to be crying in front of James right now.

"No, It's okay." Regulus continues to wipe his face, he doesn't even know why he's crying, he's not sad. "I guess I am nervous." Regulus laughs.

"Yeah?" James laughs, twisting his body so he's fully facing Regulus. "About what?"

"I don't know," Regulus responds, "Everything?"

"That's okay, you know, to be nervous. I want you to know that there's nothing to be nervous about, but it's okay that you are."

"I know, thank you." Regulus takes a deep breath to compose himself, realizing that at some point James got closer, and started touching him. The spot where James' hand sits starts to become hot like James is warming him up from the outside in.

"You okay?" James always tries his hardest to be genuine with Regulus, he knows that Regulus doesn't have many people he can trust.

James' voice brings Regulus out of his trance. "Yeah, I'm okay now."

Regulus also becomes painfully aware that although they are in the dark, anyone can walk in and see them sitting together. "Go back to Sirius, I'll find you guys on the platform."

"You sure?" James starts to stand.

"Yeah go ahead." Regulus tries his hardest to convince James that he is actually okay.

"Don't stay back here the whole ride, go sit with your friends." James leans back into Regulus' space. "You aren't going back there unless it's on your terms, I will make sure of it."

"Okay." Regulus sighs. "Thank you, James"

***

"Hey, James," Sirius says excitedly. "Wanna go with me to find Reg, I don't want to lose him on the platform."

"Yeah sure, I think I saw him on my walk earlier anyway." James hopes that Regulus is in fact back with his friends instead of sitting by himself. It would be a lot harder to explain to Sirius if Regulus is off somewhere by himself.

They do end up finding Regulus sitting with Barty and Evan. Barty looks less than pleased that they've come to collect Regulus, and Evan has a smug look on his face.

James lets Sirius do the talking, and before he realizes the three of them are walking back to Remus and Peter for the last few minutes of their ride.

Regulus doesn't usually like travel days; it means that he has to go home and pretend to be someone that he isn't. He doesn't mind today, he's just nervous, he doesn't like new people or environments.

Before Regulus can even realize they have reached the station, James and Sirius are pulling him along the platform looking for James' parents.

Sirius must have seen them because he starts sprinting in one direction and James follows. Regulus has to try his hardest to keep up with James and they finally stop in front of a cheery-looking couple, both around the same height wearing matching grins.

Sirius is already hugging the man while James goes in to hug his mum. Regulus feels awkward like he's intruding on a family moment, he doesn't know these people who James and Sirius seem to call mum and dad.

Once they finish with their exchanges the woman- James' mum says, "You must be Regulus, come give me a hug."

Regulus does feel drawn to her, she has a calming presence. Reluctantly Regulus does give her a hug and when he pulls away she says, "I'm so sorry dear we forgot to introduce ourselves. I'm Effie and this is Monty."

Monty holds his hand out for a fist bump and Regulus lightly taps his knuckles against Monty's.

"Can we go now?" Sirius asks like a child.

James and Effie both laugh before Monty smiles and says, "Yeah, let's go."

James lightly brushes against Regulus as he walks by and Regulus catches himself smiling. He thinks that he's really gonna like living with James.

Chapter Text

Regulus wakes up the next morning in an unfamiliar environment and jolts out of bed. After looking around and taking in the environment he realizes quickly that he is safe and is in his room at James' house.

Regulus had stayed up questionably late staring out his window, taking in the sky from this perspective. Once sleep did fall over him it was not a peaceful night, he was riddled with nightmares about his mother and father. He decides that he will not be able to go back to sleep and instead is going to get dressed and go down to the kitchen for breakfast.

James had given Regulus a quick tour the previous night but the house is big and confusing, much like Grimmuald. Instead of relying on his memory early in the morning, Regulus follows the smell of warm coffee and sizzling bacon.

As Regulus walks through the halls he realizes that this house is nothing like Grimmuald, although they are similar in size James' home has a strong, warm, comforting feeling. Family photos line the walls, not the posed ones Regulus was forced to be in every year, but photos taken amid a moment; James learning how to ride a bike, or Sirius opening gifts on Christmas.

Regulus was so enamored by the pictures and paintings on the walls he failed to realize that he had made his way to the kitchen where Effie is cooking.

"Hello dear," Effie's voice brings Regulus back to the present. "Sirius is asleep and James is out for a run so breakfast isn't quite done yet, but you're welcome to have anything ready. Or I could make you something else if you want."

"Oh, no thank you, I'll wait at the table until it's done." Regulus is thankful that James informed him that they typically eat at the counter in the kitchen and leave the dining room for special occasions.

"Oh, Regulus I am going to the store today, let me know what color you want your room to be and I will pick up the paint while I'm there. James has red and Sirius has blue, you can pick any color you want."

"Would it be okay if it is green?"

"Of course, what shade do you want?"

"Maybe a forest green, I think anything else would be too bright."

"I agree," Effie turns around and smiles at Regulus. "We can decorate it like a forest too if you would like, we could put some fake vines on the walls, some plants too."

Regulus' face lights up, "Yes I would like that thank you."

"Like what?" James asks, returning from his run.

Regulus didn't hear James come in, he's wearing a sleeveless shirt and you can see the dark spot where it's soaked through from his sweat. Regulus can feel his cheeks start to heat and quickly diverts his attention from James. He had never seen James' upper arms before and admittedly he is much more fit than Regulus would have thought.

Regulus knows James is attractive, most of the school knows James is attractive but he has never thought about it this much before. James had also never been standing in front of him after a workout either.

"Go shower, breakfast is almost ready."

For the second time that morning Effie brings Regulus out of his James-related trance and for the first time Regulus realizes that he is so inexplicably fucked.

***

"How are you liking the color so far?"

This is the second day Effie and Regulus have spent painting Regulus' room, it's looking pretty good but they won't be able to know for sure until tomorrow when it's dry.

"I really like it, I think it's gonna look nice." Regulus is smiling, he didn't get to decorate his room at Grimmauld. Sirius hung up pictures even though he wasn't supposed to, he would regularly get in trouble for it.

"Good, me too." Effie smiles back at Regulus. "If you want we can put some shelves in and have some hanging plants."

"Okay, but can we get fake ones, I don't know how to take care of plants, and I don't like bugs."

Effie laughs, "Yeah we can get some fake ones for you. Oh, and you won't be able to sleep in here again tonight so you'll have to sleep in the guest room again, that okay?"

"Yes, Mrs.-" Effie gives Regulus a look, "Effie, I will be just fine in the guest room."

Effie starts to walk out of the room, motioning for Regulus to come with her. "You just let me know if you aren't, James insisted that you have that room but wouldn't tell us why. He's so funny like that sometimes."

Regulus can feel a blush creep up on his cheeks, James never had to be this nice to him, making sure he is comfortable but not sharing his secrets. Very few people have shown unwavering kindness to him, Sirius did when they were young but no one has since. No one except for James.

"Yeah," Regulus smiles, "I've noticed that."

Regulus starts to realize that he definitely has more than a small crush on James. He's also realizing that he's been thinking of James more and more fondly as he spends more time with him.

As Regulus settles down for bed that night he's beginning to think as insane as it sounds Evan might be right. What if he is in love with James? Surely James wouldn't want Regulus to live there anymore, surely James' parents and Sirius would agree with James. What would he do? Go back to his parent's house? Regulus doesn't think he'd be able to handle that, not after everything that's happened.

Regulus doesn't want to lose James as a friend either and as much as he hates to admit it James is probably his best friend and having that sort of connection has suddenly become very important to him.

Regulus then realizes that the only way he is going to be able to get through this is by pretending it doesn't exist. He doesn't know how much it will actually work cause it seems to be all he can think about at the moment, but it is the only option he can think of.

Later that night as James is falling asleep he thinks about the day's events and how it was weird that Regulus wouldn't look at him at all during breakfast. Maybe James is remembering it wrong but he thinks that he even saw a hint of pink on Regulus' cheeks when he walked in from his run.

No, James is definitely remembering it wrong, why would Regulus have been blushing, it doesn't make any sense. Well, none of it makes sense but that part is really confusing to James.

Right before James loses consciousness he thinks that over the next days, he is going to watch Regulus more closely to see if he is actually being weird.

Chapter Text

Regulus hears a knock at his door, he doesn’t know what time it is but he knows its late, too late for it to be Effie or Monty, it has to be either James or Sirius.

“Regulus?” It's James, he's talking just loud enough for Regulus to hear on the other side of the door. “It’s James, can I come in?”

“Yes,” Regulus says, sitting up in bed as James opens the door.

“Oh, sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, I was just laying down, what’s up?”

“I can’t sleep, figured you were awake.” James steps fully in the room now, shutting the door behind him. James takes in the space he stepped into, glancing at the dark green walls and the lighter green of the plants surrounding him. His gaze stops for an extra second to admire the big skylight in the center of the celling.

“I like your room,” James is nervous, he doesn’t understand why, he doesn’t get nervous very often and usually it's only about tests or quidditch. He can't stand still, he's swaying and fidgeting with his own hands.

“It's coming together really nicely.”

Regulus starts to get up and out of his bed. He's never seen James act like this before, it's almost funny to him. James is acting like he's nervous, and Regulus knows that James doesn't get nervous.

Regulus continues towards James, his heartbeat quickening. “Com’on”

He grabs James’ wrist and starts pulling him towards his bed. Regulus gets there and plops down on the floor to the side of the bed, letting go of James’ wrist.

James hesitantly follows, sitting a safe distance away from Regulus.

“What is up with you?” Regulus is a bit more blunt than he would have liked to be but James is acting incredibly unusual and Regulus feels he gets to know whats up.

James sighs, he knows he being a bit weird but he didn’t think that Regulus would notice. He also can’t exactly tell Regulus why he's acting strange as Regulus is the reason hes nervous.

“I don’t know.” James hangs his head back, looking up through the skylight into the dark abyss that is space.

Regulus turns to look at James. “Do you really not know? Or do you not want to tell me?”

James sighs again, “Yes and no, I don’t really know.”

“Why wouldn’t you want to tell me if its bothering you, I thought we were friends?” Regulus sounds angry, his voice is quiet and calm, but James can tell there is a difference.

“Cause I don’t know if I want to talk about it at all.” A tear escapes James’ eye, he quickly and aggressively wipes it away with the pads of his fingers.

“Now I feel like a prick.” Regulus sounds deflated, he goes back to facing forward, instead of at James.

“Don’t,” James scoots closer, actually looking at Regulus for the first time that night. “It’s not your fault.”

“Why do you do that ?” Regulus sounds genuinely curious.

James looks quizzically at Regulus, “Do what?”

“When it comes to other people’s emotions you are so good about everything. But when it comes to your own emotions you shut down and don’t want to talk about it. Why?” Regulus’ eyes are soft, he wants James to feel safe in his presence.

“Oh, um, I guess It’s kind of a long story.”

“I've got time.” Regulus almost whispers.

James only then looks away, starring through the skylight in the celling. It’s a clear night, the stars aren’t blocked by clouds.

James smiles distantly, “When I was young Mum always encouraged me to talk about my feelings, especially cause I went to public school. They knew that it wasn’t conventional, sending a pureblood to public school but they wanted me to feel normal I guess.”

“Oh”

James chuckles somnoly, “That did not work. I felt anything but normal. It feels like a weird problem to have but I felt like we almost had too much money. I’d get made fun of for being the rich kid whose parents didn’t care about him enough to be sent to private school. Isn’t that messed up?”

“Mhm” Regulus nods.

“But then I got to Hogwarts and met Remus and Sirius and my problems felt so small compared to theirs. I mean I can’t even imagine what Remus goes through, he’s told us about it, but actually living it.” James shakes his head.

Regulus looks down at his hardwood floor then back up to James. “When did you stop talking about how you felt?”

“Around the time I got my letter. I mean that made me feel more normal and then getting there it’s like I was too normal.”

“You were the same as everyone else for the first time.” Regulus knows exactly what it feels like, he felt invisible for a long time.

“Yeah. And now i-” James becomes aware that he doesn’t know, he confused about almost every aspect of his life. About who he is fundamentally.

Regulus then scoots even closer to James pressing their bodies against each other, sending a shiver down his spine.

“Regulus” James breathes out, hanging his head low, looking at the floor.

“James, not talking about it is not going to make it any easier.”

“But, not thinking about it makes it easier, although it has been on my mind a lot lately.” He tries to sound more lighthearted but James knows that Regulus sees through him.

“James please tell me what’s going on.”

“How’d you know you like boys?” James whispers.

“Oh,” Regulus pauses. “Well I mean I kind of just always knew, but that probably isn’t helpful. I guess it was when I was a child and Mother would throw massive parties and Pandora would be scouting for the next boy to have a crush on. And I guess I found myself doing the same. Pandora was the first one I ever told, then Sirius, followed by Barty and Evan when I got to Hogwarts.” Regulus fells embarrassed that he ranted when James is the one who wants to talk.

“Oh,” James looks disappointed.

Regulus puts his arm around James’ knee. “That probably didn’t help, Im sorry.”

“It’s your story you don’t have to be sorry, I just don’t relate, I never had a crush as a kid, not until Lily, and now,” James’ voice tapers off, not finishing what he was going to say.

“Oh Jamie, I’m sorry.”

James is looking up at the stars, talking to the ceiling, “Stop saying sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“It’s okay to be confused about your feelings James. And its okay to not like things changing or being new. Your feelings are always okay because you cannot control how you feel.”

“Can we stop talking about this for tonight? I’m getting tired.”

“Yeah of course.”

James and Regulus sit curdled up looking out the skylight. Occasionally Regulus will point out constellations but other than that the pair sit in comfortable silence.

“Will you get up early and play Quidditch with me tomorrow morning?” James is whispering not wanting to disturb the peace the two had.

“Yeah,” Regulus smiles, “I’ll play Quidditch with you tomorrow.”

Despite both James and Regulus aknownaging they will be getting up early in the morning neither of them move, not wanting to disturb the calm that has come over them.

Chapter Text

Regulus wakes up to his alarm clock the next morning, only snagging a few hours of sleep. He doesn’t remember when James went back to his own room but it must have happened at some point.

Regulus gets dressed and makes his way through the house to the back patio. James is sitting on the edge of the patio with his back facing Regulus. He looks so peaceful Regulus almost doesn't want to disturb him, he could stand there watching James forever.

“Hey.”

James is startled by Regulus’ sudden presence. He turns to see a sleepy looking Regulus leaning against the frame of the open sliding glass door, wearing a longsleve and baggy shorts. James notices that he’s never seen Regulus in short sleeves and makes a mental note to ask about it later.

“You ready?”

Regulus nods and steps closer to James, shutting the door on his way out. “So how does this work?”

“What do you mean?”

“You live in a muggle town, how exactly would we be flying on broomsticks without any questions being raised?”

“Oh!” James stands excitedly. “My parents have a charm on the garden so that to muggles it looks like we are doing non magical things, like muggle sports for example.”

“That’s kind of cool.”

“I know right! So are you ready?” James picks up his and Regulus’ broomsticks.

“How in the name of merlin do you have my broom?” Regulus smiles in amusement. He pretends to not like James’ everyday antics, he would admit to no one but himself that he actually enjoys them.

“I got it for you while you were sleeping.” James pulls a very purposely stupid smile on his face, he wanted Regulus to know that he wasn’t trying to be creepy, but rather helpful and mischievous.

“Did you sleep at all?” Regulus asks worriedly.

“No but it's okay, sometimes I just don't sleep.”

“Why” Regulus sounds concerned.

James takes off quickly, yelling behind him a very fake, “What I can’t hear you.”

Regulus rolls his eyes making a note of it for later as he takes off following James. Once he gets closer Regulus notices James let go of the golden snitch.

“You fucker!” Regulus shouts smiling as races in the direction of the snitch.

As time passes James and Regulus find themselves taking turns letting the other win. Stopping to talk to the other or high five mid air while doing a trick. It was much more fun that way.

James did briefly think about how it probably wasn’t the best idea to be practicing with Regulus since they are on opposing teams, but he doesn’t really care. He was having fun and it was easier to ignore everything when he was having fun.

Regulus was having fun too, quidditch was often a release for him, somewhere for him to put everything else aside and focus on one thing. This wasn’t like that though, Regulus was barely thinking about quidditch at all, most of the time his mind was more focused on James. Over the course of the two hours they were “playing quidditch” Regulus found himself starring at James more times than he would like to admit.

Eventually James and Regulus get bored and decide to just sit on the back patio and wait for breakfast to be ready.

“Why didn’t you sleep?” Regulus asks James.

“I don’t know,” James answers truthfully. “Sometimes I just can’t fall asleep, I will lay there for hours wide awake. I went to the doctor for it when I was younger.”

”Really?”

”Yeah, they brushed it off though saying that it was normal and I should just try harder to go to sleep.”

“It seems like you have an easier time at Hogwarts?” It sounds like a statement but Regulus means it like a question.

“Yes and no,” James responds.” I'm more physically tired at Hogwarts and sometimes it helps that I’m not alone in a room there, it makes me feel less lonely.” James never liked being an only child, he often felt alone.

”I get that, being lonely sucks.” Regulus’ demeanor shifts ever so slightly, James notices.

“Are you lonely a lot?” James asks, turning to look at Regulus.

“You want the real answer?” Regulus does not look at James. He keeps his eyes on the ground.

“Yes. Please.” James’ gaze does not waver.

“Yeah I mean, almost all the time. Less so now but it was really bad when I started Hogwarts”

“What about Barty and Evan, you live with them for nine months out of the year, you must be close.”

“Don’t get me wrong we are. They just don’t understand it, both of them are extremely outgoing they could be friends with anyone they wanted. Kind of like you.” Regulus adds the last bit on like an after thought. “They also click better with each other than they do with me, half the time they are in their own little world and I am on the outside.”

“Sirius and Remus act like that sometimes, It’s exhausting.” James feels bad for even bringing up the topic. Regulus is noticeably more upset than before.

“Yeah”

The pair sit in a comfortable silence, occasionally pointing out odd cloud shapes or a rare type of bird.

James doesn’t understand how someone like Regulus got a life like this. He is quickly realizing that Regulus is the best person he knows. Despite everything Regulus continues to be himself and continues to push past everything in his way.

It’s a that moment James decides that he is going to do everything in his power to make Regulus’ life better, to give him everything he never had but always wanted.

As the morning grows later, the smell from the kitchen grows stronger, and eventually Effie calls them in to go eat.

“You know,” James says, giving Regulus a hand up. “If you’re ever lonely, come find me, I’ll be lonely with you.”

Regulus has a blush on his cheeks when they walk in the door. If Effie noticed she didn’t say anything.

Chapter Text

For the next few nights James stays up far too late, past his window to fall asleep. Tonight it’s particularly bad, James has spent the past few hours laying flat on his bed staring at the ceiling.

He contemplates going into Sirius' room but Remus is arriving tomorrow and Sirius is probably asleep. James finds himself getting up anyway. He finds himself opening the door to his room and making his way to Regulus’. He does three quick knocks before he hears a faint voice call to come in. Regulus is in pajamas and it looks like he was just getting ready for bed.

Regulus motions for James to come over as he climbs into the bed. After a minute of persuading, James hops into bed next to him,

They lay there silently looking up at the ceiling before James promptly turns over so he’s facing Regulus.

“Tired yet?” Regulus asks, turning to face James.

”Well yes, but no.” James answers

Regulus laughs quietly.

This is the first time they have been this close face to face. James admires the way regulus smiles and laughs. He likes being able to see every detail on Regulus’ face. James likes the shiver that goes down his spine when he realizes just how close they actually are. Only inches part from each other James can feel his clothed legs against Regulus’ bare ones.

James whispers, “Why don’t you wear t-shirts?” He didn’t want to ruin the moment but by the look on Regulus’ face it’s too late.

“I just don’t okay.” Regulus whispers back

“Do really not want to tell me, or do you just think that whatever reason it is will change how I think about you?”

“It will change how you think about me.”

“Regulus.” James is stern but not angry, he needs Regulus to know that he’s not that easy to get rid of. James is extremely loyal, to a fault sometimes, especially to his friends and family.

Regulus sits up silently, James following.

Still without saying anything Regulus pulls his sleeves up to his elbows, revealing some far faded and some newer self harm scars all along both his arms.

“Regulus” James whispers. “That is noting to be ashamed of.”

After a long pause, James brushes his fingers ever so gently against Regulus’ bare arms. “Everyone has scars, some visible, some not. I understand how it’s not really something you’d want to proudly show off to the world. But it’s definitely not anything shameful.”

“Merlin James. How could you be so nice.” Regulus looks genuinely surprised.

“It’s in my blood. A built in kindness meter.” James laughs.

Regulus playfully pushes James back. “Fuck off.” He laughs.

James can feel a blush creep across his cheeks. He hopes it’s dark enough for Regulus to not notice. “Did you really think that some scars were going to change my perception of you?”

“Yeah.” Regulus can’t bring his eyes to meet James’

“Regulus,” James laughs. “You are one of the strongest people I know. Plus you should know me better than to think that something like scars would make me think less of you.”

“I know that, I don’t think my brain has caught up yet though.”

James laughs, soft and quiet. Different from what Regulus is used to, it feels strangely intimate.

James getting up from the bed pulls Regulus out of his mind. He slips his sleeves back down for good measure.

“Your room makes me tired.” James yawns.

“Oh, are you going to bed then?” For a moment it seemed like Regulus was disappointed that James got up.

“No, I’m just looking at the pictures and drawings on your walls. They are really nice by the way, did you do them yourself?”

“Yeah,” Regulus smiles, “I did. I took all the photos and did all the drawings myself.”

After a few minutes of walking around looking at all the art on the walls, taking time to admire each piece, James walks back over to the bed and sits down Next to Regulus.

“I didn’t know you liked art.”

“Mhm, I haven’t done any in a long time, picked it back up recently.”

James lays down, getting under the covers. Regulus follows.

“I’m only now realizing how little I actually know about you Regulus.” James is sincere he truly thinks there is so much more to Regulus that no one has seen in a long time.

“Truthfully,” Regulus’ eyes meet James’. “I don’t know much about me either.”

“It’s okay,” James says, eyes closed and smiling. “You have time to figure it out.”

It is in that moment Regulus realizes how much he actually likes James. This isn’t some silly crush anymore, Regulus knows it goes much deeper than that.

The pair lay in silence as time passes by.

“James?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I hug you?”

“Yeah.”

That's how James and Regulus sleep that night.

James falls asleep thinking about how comfortable he is around Regulus. About how happy he is in that moment, hugging Regulus until they both fall asleep. No one talking, no one moving. James comes to the conclusion that this is how he wants to fall asleep every night.

The next morning Regulus wakes up a little confused, James is in his bed. He quickly gets his bearings and climbs out of bed slowly as to not wake James. Regulus is glad he is actually sleeping, Merlin knows he needed it.

Regulus makes his way downstairs and to the kitchen, Effie is already making breakfast, him and James must have slept in.

“Hey hon, Remus is here. He’s in the back garden if you want to go keep him company.” Effie vaguely points in the direction of the garden.

“Okay.” Regulus makes his way to the open sliding back door.

“Hey.” Regulus says, getting Remus’ attention

“Morning.” Remus responds.

Regulus walks over to the empty chair next to Remus and promptly sits. He’s nervous, Remus isn’t exactly the most approtable person.

“Remus?” Regulus’ voice is quiet, small.

“Hm?” Remus does not look up from his book.

“How did you know you loved Sirius? Not in the how did you know you like boys way. In the how do you know you love anyone way.”

“Regulus,” Remus closes his book to give Regulus his full attention. “What are you on about?”

“I’m going to tell you,” Regulus pauses. “But you are not allowed to comment until I am done. Okay?”

“Okay?” Remus is apprehensive, Regulus is an extremely odd person, he doesn’t know what he is going to say.

“I've been hanging out with James for a while, before the summer. We've become quite good friends actually.”

“Mhm” Remus has a feeling he knows exactly where this is going.

“But recently I've realized that I might have a crush on him… well actually probably more than a crush.”

“What makes you think that?” Remus genuinely wants to know, he hasn’t been getting any updates from James.

“I told you not to comment but I'll allow the question.”

Remus rolls his eyes at Regulus.

“I guess I realized last night. It was late and I was getting ready to go to bed but he came in claiming he couldn't sleep. I invited him to lay in my bed cause apparently my room makes him tired. But after a while of talking and stuff we ended up hugging and we fell asleep like that in my bed.”

Remus makes a face similar to one of an older sibling that knows something the younger doesn't.

“Okay,” Regulus continues. ”your turn.”

“You want the truth Regulus?” Remus is one of those people that will tell you exactly what he is thinking. He doesn’t have time to hold back the truth from people.

“Yes. Please.” Regulus sounds small, needy. He cringes to himself.

“You need to tell him.” Remus presents it simply.

Regulus is taken aback, “Tell him what exactly?”

“That you like him or have a crush on him or something.”

“Why on earth would I do that? That seems like a horrible idea.” Regulus is starting to panic, telling James was not a part of his plan.

“Regulus,” Remus is extremely calm,”I can promise you that it is not a bad idea and that you really need to do it sooner rather than later.”

“What if-”

“No.” Remus interrupts,”No what ifs, you need to do it and you need to do it soon.”

“Remus I really don't know.” Just thinking about it is making Regulus’ heart rate spike, he could feel himself start to sweat.

“Merlin,” Remus whispers,”idiots, the both of you.”

The boys hear a call to come inside.

“Do it Regulus.” Remus says while the pair are walking inside. Regulus doesn't respond.

Chapter Text

For days the only thing Regulus can think about is what Remus said to him. Constantly obsessing, hyping himself up and then psyching himself out. Every time Remus sees him he has a look on his face that says, have you done it yet. The answer is Regulus shaking his head no every time. Remus looks disappointed every time.

Regulus has kind of been avoiding James. Obviously he can’t entirely, they live in the same house. And Sirius would know if something suddenly changed so drastically. He doesn’t want to do it to James but now every time he sees him Regulus gets sent into panic, sometimes he can push it down and things are relatively normal, but most times he can’t.

James doesn’t like the new Regulus that has come about in the past few days, It’s almost like Remus changed him immediately. Regulus and Remus had been giving each other odd looks the entire time.

It’s late, James doesn’t know how late, he's been outside for a long time. All he knows is that his parents went to bed a few hours ago at this point.

James has just been sitting outside thinking in the fresh night air. He’s not stupid, he knows he has a crush on Regulus. Maybe he went too far? Crossed lines that he shouldn’t have? Maybe he did something else that made Regulus not want to talk to him.

Regulus is wandering around the house, just thinking. Sometimes he likes to walk around the house at night, just to make sure everything is in order. He’s still paranoid that his parents will somehow find him and take him back.

As Regulus is passing by the back door he notices a figure sitting out in the garden. It should be fine if he goes out, right?

He slowly slides the door open, getting closer to the figure only to realize that it’s James. Regulus stops in his tracks, late at night, alone with James.

“James,” Regulus’ voice is weak, timid, small even. “What are you doing out here?”

“I’m surprised that you don’t know already.” James briefly looks back at Regulus but quickly turns back to face forward.

“Can’t sleep?” Regulus asks, continuing towards James.

“Mhm”

Regulus sits down next to James, leaving a good amount of space between them. He doesn’t dare look at James.

“It’s more than that though, isn’t it?” Regulus asks, voice just barely above a whisper.

James glances toward Regulus but quickly turns away. “Why have you been acting like this? Like there’s suddenly this massive brick wall in between us.”

“I-“ Regulus starts but doesn’t know how to continue his sentence, he wants to explain but he knows there are no valid reasons he can share with James.

“Is it Remus? I thought you guys were friendly or at least cordial. I mean I know he’s different but that shouldn’t matter. But I would think that if it was Remus you wouldn’t be like this right now.”

“No James, it’s not Remus, he seems like a cool guy.”

“Is it me Reg?” James glances at Regulus again but quickly looks back down at his feet. “Cause I swear I didn’t mean to overstep any boundaries the other day, and if I did I apologize.”

Regulus feels his heart sink into his chest, he didn’t realize that he had actually affected James that much. “No James.”

“Okay so you’re not saying much of anything to me and have just been finding excuses to avoid me for fun? And look, even now we are out here in the middle of the night, everyone is asleep and you are still on edge.”

“I tried to go talk to you last night, I knocked on your door and you didn’t respond and I tried the doorknob but it was locked. Is there something going on, do you need help? If you don’t like it here I can get you a different place to stay. Regulus, if you need anything I can help you. I want you to be the safest and happiest you can be.”

“Merlin James.” Regulus wipes a tear from his cheek. He knew James cared about him, but hearing it all out loud is overwhelming for him.

“What?”

James looks over at Regulus and for the first time that night he doesn’t look away. James fully turns towards Regulus, inching closer to him. James’ heart breaks seeing him sitting there silently crying.

“Holy fuck Reg are you okay?” James whispers

“Yeah,” Regulus smiles, “I just never had someone care about me this much. You have such a big heart it’s just amazing. And you are right, I have been avoiding you.”

“I really didn't mean to overstep the other day, I'm so sorry, I really need to stop being so nosy.”

“No,” Regulus says while frantically wiping his tears. “You didn't overstep or upset me or anything. It was nice telling someone and still be treated like a person.”

“What is it then? What's been going on?”

At this point James and Regulus are facing each other, close enough for their knees to be touching.

Regulus has nothing left to say, he's trying to make his mouth move but words won't come out. He has three words running rampant through his mind 'I love you’. Regulus knows now he has no other choice but to tell the truth, he's backed into a corner with no other way out.

“Reg?” James' voice snaps Regulus back into reality. “What's going on?”

“I-” Regulus can feel his cheeks start to heat up. He can't make eye contact with James, he knows he should, but he can't.

“I really like you James And I think I'm in love with you And I kn-”

James cuts Regulus off by grabbing the sides of his face and pressing their lips together.

Regulus pulls away first, shock and adrenaline running through his veins.

“I have feelings for you too Reg.”

Regulus leans in and presses his lips to James’, more passion and energy than before.

Regulus pulls away first. “So when you asked how I knew I liked boys it was cause-”

James cuts Regulus off, “Yeah, I mean by that point I kind of already knew and I was kind of just questioning myself and my sexuality.”

“So, what'd you land on?” Regulus asks jokingly.

“Well I like boys and girls and I don't really know the name for that but it's what I am.” James seems proud of himself.

“Bisexual”

“What?” James smiles.

“Liking boys and girls, it's called being bisexual.” Regulus is smiling, a real genuine smile.

“Oh,” James says, “Cool!”

A few minutes pass in comfortable silence before Regulus speaks. “James? What's next?”

James sighs, “I don’t know.”

Regulus stands up suddenly, putting his hand out for James to grab.

Regulus silently leads them back into the dark house and up to his room. It’s only when James closes the door behind him that Regulus lets go of his hand.

James is smiling at Regulus, it's amazing how comfortable he’s become around James, not afraid to show his true self anymore.

“Why are you staring at me?” Regulus is also smiling, like they are the only people in the world right now.

”Because, the more I learn about you the more I believe this is exactly what is meant to be.”

”I wouldn’t go that far.” Regulus says, sitting on the end of his bed.

“Fuck off.” James laughs, pushing Regulus back gently.

Regulus’ heart skips a beat, he loves this, being playful with James without worrying about holding back.

James lays down next to Regulus and intertwines their fingers. They are both looking out the skylight just enjoying being in each other’s presence.

“Stay in here tonight?” Regulus turns his head to look at James.

”Absolutely.” James responds, turning his head to make eye contact with Regulus.

As the night gets later Regulus and James begin to get ready for bed. Moving lazily around each other like they had done it a million times before.

Regulus drifts off to sleep with his head on James’ chest listening to his heartbeat. Thinking that nothing could ever get better than this.

James falls asleep to the sound of Regulus breathing and the thought that this is the best feeling in the world.

Neither one of the boys have an idea of what the next years, weeks, or even tomorrow will look like, but it doesn’t matter. Laying in Regulus’ bed together makes it feel like they are untouchable, nothing and no one could ever ruin what they have.