Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Do you wonder where the self resides?
Is it in your head or between your sides?
And who will be the one who will decide its true location? - Andrew Bird, Dark Matter

V opened her eyes. She saw a sterile white ceiling above her and, lifting her head slightly, sterile white walls surrounding her. The last thing she remembered was being led to Mikoshi. And Goro. He had implored her to consider his offer, to consider Arasaka’s offer, had convinced her to sell her soul for a chance to be cured, a chance to live again. Did it work? she wondered. It certainly seemed that she was alive, but was she cured?

She closed her eyes, and images flashed unbidden into her mind. A red bird. A yellow flower. She grimaced, opening her eyes again, for the first time realizing how strange she felt. She looked down at her body, covered by a thin white sheet. She drew her hands out from under the sheet, studying them. Something was wrong.

A woman entered the room, disrupting her thoughts. She spoke something to V in Japanese, but V couldn’t parse the words. Why wasn’t her translator picking this up? The woman spoke again, this time to someone outside of V’s range of vision, and approached her.

“I can’t –” V started, attempting to sit up, but was gently pushed back down into the bed by the woman. “I don’t understand,” she said, but her voice was strange. Another thought occurred to her, and she looked down at her hands again. “My implants,” she said. “What happened to my implants?”

The woman spoke softly, words V couldn’t comprehend. “Where the fuck are my implants?” she said, her voice rising, again attempting to sit up and this time rebuffing the woman’s attempts to stop her. “Where am I? Why can’t I understand you? What the fuck is going on?”

The woman was becoming more frantic now, trying to prevent V from getting out of the bed, which only caused V’s frustration to grow. “No, don’t touch me...what...the absolute fuck...is going on?!”

“V.” The stern voice from the doorway stopped her in her tracks. One word was enough to make her freeze, make her suck in a gasping lungful of air. She turned toward the voice.

“Goro?”

He stepped into the room, saying something in Japanese to the woman, and nodding curtly at her. She bowed to him and hurried out of the room.

He was at V’s bedside in an instant, placing a hand lightly on her shoulder and guiding her back into a reclining position. “You need to take it easy,” he said, his voice no longer stern, but instead soothing.

“Goro, I don’t...please tell me what’s happening.”

He studied her face briefly, silently. “The procedure was a success. The Secure Your Soul program – Arasaka has upheld its end of the agreement, and you have returned, free of the damage from the Relic.”

She took in a breath, absorbing the information. “I don’t remember anything after the orbital station. How long was I in Mikoshi?”

“Two years.”

“Two years,” she repeated neutrally. What had she been expecting? Days, months? Decades? She had no memories from Mikoshi, no way to measure the passing of time. She supposed it could have been worse; she could have been awoken long after everyone she knew had already died. She could have never been awoken at all.

“It took some time to find a compatible donor body,” he explained.

“A compatible…” She stopped, taking in his words, then looking down at her hands again. “Donor body,” she breathed, suddenly looking back up at Goro in alarm. “Donor body?!”

“Of course,” he said. “Your body was beyond repair; you were no doubt aware of this?” She could only stare at him, mouth slightly agape. “Your engram was transferred as soon as a match could be found. I...I did what I could to ensure your match would be prioritized.”

She had signed a contract; she was sure the details had been laid out in the fine-print she hadn’t bothered reading. She had made the decision hastily – and if it hadn’t been Goro offering, she likely would have refused. She hadn’t had time to really consider the consequences. Logically, this made sense – her body was dying, after all – but she supposed she thought she would remain in Mikoshi until a means to cure her was found. A full body transplant wasn’t what she had expected.

She pulled the thin sheet that was still partially covering her away, taking in her body for the first time. Her body? A stranger’s body. Her cyberware was gone. Her tattoos were gone. Every scar, every birthmark. Her whole self – gone. She felt the formation of tears beginning to prickle her eyes, and turned away from Goro in embarrassment.

“V –“ he started.

“I need to see,” she said hoarsely, interrupting him. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but changed his mind and instead nodded, leaving the room. While he was gone, she brought both hands to her face, tracing over unfamiliar features, trying to will the panic rising in her chest to subside. Too soon he was back, carrying with him a small hand-held mirror. He sat next to her on the bed, watching her momentarily before holding the mirror out to her. She took it hesitantly, and took in a deep breath.

She looked into the mirror, and a stranger looked back at her – a Japanese woman, roughly her age. Who was this woman – who had she been? Had she been forced out to make room for V? Did V do to someone else what Johnny had tried to do to her? Her skin crawled – a stranger’s skin – and she felt like she might be sick. She shuddered, putting the mirror down, unable to stop the tears from flowing freely now.

Goro, to his credit, remained placid, putting an arm around her and pulling her in toward him, silently holding her while she cried. “It is a lot to take in all at once,” he said quietly when she had stopped. She nodded, sniffling. “We will take things one day at a time,” he reassured her.

“We?” she asked, weakly.

“I have offered to let you stay with me during your recovery,” he said. “The doctors have cleared you for release, but would like to check in over the next few weeks to ensure everything is...functioning properly.”

“That’s very generous of you.”

“It is the least I can do,” he said, and a small smile played at the corner of his lips. “Without you, I would be...well. I do not like to think of where I would be.” He paused suddenly, looking almost bashful. “I have missed your company these last two years, and I am grateful for the opportunity to spend this time with you.”

She brushed dampness from her cheeks, and looked up at him through puffy eyes. Despite everything, she smiled slightly. “This body might need an implant for better hearing, because I could have sworn you just said you missed me.”

He cleared his throat awkwardly, releasing his hold on her, and stood. “Yes, well. Come. We must gather your things. It is time to go home.”

Chapter Text

She stood in Goro’s guest bathroom the next morning, blinking, watching someone she didn’t recognize blink back at her. Twenty-four hours of staring at a stranger’s face in the mirror was all it took to convince V she needed answers. While no longer working directly for Saburo, Goro still had a role within Arasaka – and evidently enough of a role that he had been able to pull some strings to get her out of Mikoshi. If he didn’t already have the information she wanted, she was confident he would be able to acquire it.

He had taken a couple of days off to help her settle in – something that would have been unheard of when he was a bodyguard – and she could hear him downstairs in his kitchen, preparing breakfast. She took in a deep breath, and closed her eyes. Images flashed into her mind – a red bird, a yellow flower – as they had done with disconcerting frequency since she had awoken. She shook her head in an attempt to will them away. She was certain she had never seen either prior to entering Mikoshi, but now couldn’t seem to close her eyes without seeing them. What were they – some sort of residual memory from her new body’s former owner? The very thought caused bile to rise in the back of her throat, and she had to force it back down.

She took another deep breath and looked back in the mirror as she ran a brush through her hair. Her hair – but not her hair. The woman in the mirror’s hair was long and black, while her own had been cropped short and dyed any number of unnatural colors. Everything was wrong. She slammed the brush down on the bathroom sink, more forcefully than she had intended, and left the room in a huff.

Goro’s house in Kagawa was more modest than she had expected, considering his position of power within one of the world’s largest megacorporations. She had assumed a man of his stature would live a life of opulence and luxury – after all, she had only known him for a brief time, but he had spent much of it lambasting Night City’s squalor. She found the practicality and homeyness of his place pleasantly surprising, and not at all what she would have predicted from a corpo; then again, Goro was unlike most other corpos she had met.

She paced a bit on the upstairs landing, torn between going back into the bathroom to finish getting ready or retreating to her room and spending the rest of the day in bed. She had never considered herself indecisive, but now even the smallest choices seemed insurmountable. Scents from downstairs began wafting their way up to her, causing her stomach to growl, thus making her decision for her. She walked down the stairs, her mouth practically watering by the time she entered the kitchen.

“Good morning,” Goro greeted her warmly upon hearing her enter. He stood at the stove, back to her as he focused on his cooking. “I trust you slept well?”

“Yeah,” she answered honestly. “Very well.” The previous day had been exhausting on her; both the physical and mental toll of getting used to her new body had guaranteed that, despite all of the anxious thoughts building in her head, once she had settled down into Goro’s guest room, she had crashed immediately and slept soundly through the night. “I’ve been very comfortable here. Thanks again for letting me stay.”

She could hear the smile in his voice as he hummed his acknowledgment. “Please, sit,” he said, gesturing toward the table. “I am almost finished.” True to his word, he joined her moments later, bringing numerous bowls and plates with him.

“Wow, Goro,” V said, taking in the spread. “This is...a lot of food. You didn’t have to do all this for me; I normally just grab a vending machine burrito to go.”

He tsked at her. “Nonsense,” he said, putting an empty plate in front of her and himself, and beginning to divvy up the meal. “We must properly fuel our bodies for the day. What kind of host would I be if I did not treat you to a traditional Japanese breakfast on your first morning as my guest?”

She scooped some rice onto her plate. “What is all this?”

He seemed truly in his element as he helped serve her, explaining each item as he went. “The bowl is miso soup – a warm, comforting way to start the day! Then grilled salmon, tamagoyaki – made of egg, like an omelet – and on the side, fresh broccoli, pickled cucumber, and natto – fermented beans.”

“And you make all of this for yourself, every day?”

He shrugged nonchalantly. “Maybe not every day, but I usually eat something similar.”

“Wow.” Struggling slightly with a pair of chopsticks, she took a bite. It was wonderful – rich, savory, and...somehow familiar? “Okay, I think I finally get your issue with the food in Night City.”

“You like it?” he asked, beaming.

“Yeah, it’s delicious!” She chewed, something nagging at her. “It’s strange...I know I’ve never had food like this, but it somehow reminds me of home?” She looked at him pointedly. “Do you think this is food she was used to eating?”

He coughed, looking up from his plate at her sharply. “V,” he started, and hesitated. “I should not...the doctors involved in your procedure said it was best not to encourage you to think in that way.”

She raised an eyebrow. “In what way, exactly?”

“You should try to view your body as your body.”

“But it isn’t my body, is it?”

“You are no stranger to cyberware; think of it as another implant.”

She shook her head, disheartened that he didn’t seem to understand. “Ain’t the same thing. I woke up in someone else’s skin. This isn’t some new chrome I’ve added to myself; this is someone else entirely. You don’t have any idea what it’s like to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself, Goro.”

He was silent for a moment. “No. I do not.”

She absently raised a hand to her face, tracing fingertips over unfamiliar skin. “I don’t even know who she was.”

“What difference would it make?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe nothing. But maybe…” She frowned, rubbing at the bridge of her nose, one that didn’t feel at all like her nose. “You called it a ‘donor body.’ Knowing that the donation was voluntary might at least help ease some of the guilt.”

His eyes widened in surprise. “Guilt?”

There was a pause as she sighed in frustration, struggling to find the words. “I spent plenty of time as a thief, but taking someone’s whole existence...it crosses a line.” She gestured down at her body. “This was a person once, with her own thoughts and feelings, who probably had friends and a family and dreams for her future, and all of that’s gone now. What if she never agreed to this? What if the ‘donation’ was a lie?”

“Ah.” The realization dawned in his eyes. “You do not trust Arasaka.”

“Of course I don’t trust Arasaka!” she snapped, with more bite than she had intended, and immediately felt ashamed. “Sorry.”

“There is no need to apologize,” he said genuinely. “I cannot blame you for feeling this way. Arasaka has not always done right by...either of us.”

“They don’t do right by so many people. Did they kill this woman?” she asked quietly. “Did they forcibly evict her consciousness from her body? Did they pay some poor, desperate schmuck to sacrifice one member of his family in order to feed the rest?” She grimaced. “I’ve had an engram try to take me over – I don’t know if I could bear it, being the one to do that to someone else.”

“V, I had not considered...I will see what I can find out about her.”

It was V’s turn to react with surprise. She had hoped it would be possible, but wasn’t certain if he would be both able – and willing – to help her. “You would do that?”

“I do not have the security clearance I once did,” he admitted, “but there are many in Arasaka who might be inclined to assist. I cannot guarantee anything, but I will see what I can do.” Setting his chopsticks down, he reached across the table, holding his hand out to her. She placed her hand in his instantly, before she could even think about it, and then was somewhat taken aback at her own actions. “I know this is difficult for you. It will continue to be a difficult adjustment, I am sure. I want to help see you through it, in whatever way I can.”

Knowing the lengths that Goro was willing to go through for her was enough to lift some of the weight from her shoulders, and she let out a quiet laugh before she could stop herself. “Thank you. Truly. For everything. I –” She faltered, not sure how to express the overwhelming gratitude she was currently feeling. “I don’t even know how to tell you…”

“You do not have to say anything.” He squeezed her hand before letting it go. “It is enough that you are here.”

“Is it? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure I ruined breakfast.”

He waved her concerns away. “Nothing is ruined. There is still food on the table, and it is still tasty when it is slightly cold.” She couldn’t disagree, and they ate in companionable silence for awhile. “I meant it,” he finally said, and she looked at him questioningly.

“Meant what?”

“It is enough that you are here. I...I have waited two years to see you again, but it has felt like an eternity.” She would never have described Goro as shy, but the way he avoided meeting her eyes made her wonder. “There were times I feared I might never see you again.” He looked up at her then, smiling softly. “I am glad I was wrong.”

She snorted. “Not so sure I was worth the trouble. You didn’t owe me anything, Goro; you know that, right?”

He shook his head. “I could not have left you to die on that station, not when there was another way. You may not believe it, but I owe you a great debt. In one moment, I lost everything – and then I found you. Those I was most loyal to had betrayed me, but you – a stranger – came to my aid, at great risk to yourself. You were dying; you could have left me to deal with your own problems, but you did not. I would not have been able to live with myself if, after all of that, I had abandoned you in your time of need.”

“Okay – I saved you, you saved me. We’re even.” She smirked at him. “You’re not under any obligation to provide me with room and board.”

“It is no obligation; it was my pleasure to take you in.” He smiled. “I do not exactly have fond memories of Night City, but...I did very much enjoy your company.”

“I enjoyed your company too.”

“When you were being taken to Mikoshi, I promised you that one day we would meet here, and I would show you real food. Kagawa is famous for its udon – there are so many restaurants, I could not decide on just one. So while I waited for you, I, ah...I made a list. Of the places I would take you when you awoke. It is now quite long, and would take some time to get through.” He paused, smile faltering. “But you, of course, are not required to stay if you do not wish to. My home is yours for as long as you would like, though I am sure you look forward to returning to Night City at some point.”

She reflected upon it. Was she looking forward to returning to Night City? It was never really home to her, not in the short time she lived there. Jackie was the city’s one redeeming quality, and with him gone, well. She thought about the calls she had made to people she had considered friends when she was aboard the orbital station, and couldn’t help feeling disappointment all over again. “Can’t say I’ve thought about it much yet,” she said. “Not sure there’s that much to go back to. I was born a nomad; maybe staying in one place isn’t what I’m meant to do.”

“Maybe you have never had a good enough reason to stay somewhere.”

“Maybe not.” She shrugged. “Maybe I just needed someone to make a list for me.”

He laughed. “You have not even seen it yet.”

“So let’s change that!”

“Yes,” he agreed, getting up from the table and beginning to clear the dishes. “But first, we clean up.”

Chapter Text

In her dreams, a young woman with binoculars around her neck laughed in a garden of yellow flowers. The woman was most certainly a stranger, yet V was certain there was something familiar about her. When she awoke, she felt an emptiness; a yearning to return to a place she had never before been. She avoided the mirror as she got ready, and met Takemura downstairs for breakfast.

“You have good timing,” he greeted her, setting a plate in front of her as she sat down at the table. “I have just finished preparing our meal. Unfortunately, I will need to eat quickly, as I have been called in to work.”

“Oh?” She thought of the list of plans Goro had shown her the previous day, trying – and seemingly failing – to hide her disappointment.

“I will only be gone a few hours,” he reassured her, “and I can use this opportunity to try to find some of the information you have requested on your –” He cut himself off, stealing a glance over at her and clearing his throat. “Your donor,” he finished, quietly.

“Okay,” she nodded, fidgeting with the chopsticks in her hands. “Hey Goro, what do you know about flowers?”

It was clearly not a question he had anticipated. “Flowers?” he asked, tilting his head. “Regretfully little. Why do you ask?”

“Ever since I woke up here, I’ve been…” She paused, struggling to explain. “Seeing things.”

“What do you mean, ‘seeing things’?”

“When I sleep, when I close my eyes, I see these...images. A big yellow flower with a bunch of petals, a bird with a pale beak and red on its head and stomach, a woman who I know I’ve never met but feel like I know…” She shook her head. “They’re like...memories, but not of anything I’ve experienced. I think they are memories, just...not mine.”

“What you are suggesting – it should not be possible. There must be a more reasonable explanation,” he said, though the concerned look on his face betrayed his doubt.

“My consciousness has been inserted into someone else’s body, someone else’s brain,” she argued. “Does Arasaka have a way to wipe a person like a hard drive before sticking someone new inside?”

“I do not know as much about the process as I would like,” he admitted.

“How many other people has the Secure Your Soul program resurrected?” she pressed.

“Not many. Saburo’s...resurrection –” he failed to hide the disdain from his voice upon saying the word “– set a precedent. The technology works, but it has been difficult to perfect. Despite Arasaka’s efforts the last two years, the program is still not ready for commercial use. You are one of the first beneficiaries, and only because I insisted upon it.” He turned his head, avoiding eye contact. “If you are suffering now, it is because of my selfishness. If only I had more patience, if only –”

She put a hand on his arm. “Hey. Don’t. Don’t go down that path. If it weren’t for you, I’d be dead.” Pained eyes looked up, meeting hers once again. “What’s done is done; the Relic is gone, I’m out of Mikoshi, and I’m alive. All the time in the world might not have made a difference. If this is something I have to go through, I’m glad I’ve got you here to help me.”

He sighed. “You should contact the doctors today while I am gone. They might have a solution for you.” He looked down at his only partially eaten breakfast. “I need to clean up before I leave.”

“Let me,” she offered. “Please,” she insisted upon seeing his expression. “It helps to have something to do. I will even try very hard not to burn your house down in the process.” He conceded, shaking his head, small smile playing on his lips.

*

She took his advice and called the doctors overseeing her treatment when he left, but they were decidedly unhelpful. They were certain that nothing out of the ordinary was going on, but would run some tests if it would make her feel better when she came in for her next check-up. That left her with little to do after cleaning up breakfast, and with that lack, a feeling that she might lose her mind cooped up in Takemura’s house with only her impostor body for company.

A few minutes of research and a moderate-length walk led her to a nearby hair salon. Despite being unable to speak the language, she was able to communicate to the hairdresser what she wanted via a photo of herself back in Night City. Seeing a stranger’s face with her old hairstyle and color in the mirror didn’t help as much as she had hoped, but at least when she ran a hand through her hair, she could pretend for a moment that everything was normal.

Taking in the fresh air on her walk back did a bit to lift her spirits, she had to admit. Kagawa remained relatively rural, especially compared to the last place she had resided, and she was conscious of the noticeable lack of air pollution. She walked slowly, trying to remember the last time she had really appreciated the natural world around her. Had she ever?

She was home before Takemura, and something about the way his eyes lit up when he walked through the door and saw her pleased her more than she might care to admit.

“V!” he exclaimed, smiling. “You are starting to look more like yourself!”

“Wish I was feeling more like myself,” she confessed, “but this seemed like a good first step.”

“I hope you are at least feeling up for travel,” he said, “because there is somewhere I would like to take you.”

“Somewhere on your list?”

“No, actually,” he said, “but you mentioned flowers this morning, and it reminded me that there is a chrysanthemum festival at Tamamo Park this time of year. Is this something you would be interested in seeing?”

She thought about her walk earlier that day, and nodded. “You know what? I think it is.”

*

They took a quick train ride, then walked the rest of the distance to the park. V found herself once again enjoying the crisp autumn air more than she had expected to. The park itself was on the ruins of an old castle near the coast, and the area was quiet and scenic. Kiosks were set up throughout the park, displaying a near infinite variety of chrysanthemum blooms. Some were small, daisy-like with petals radiating from a central disk; some had long, coiling, tube-like petals, like some kind of floral firework; some had been shaped like bonsai trees into intricate designs; some had been crafted into figures and displayed in a scene like a diorama. An explosion of pinks, reds, oranges, and yellows erupted from nearly every direction, almost overwhelming in their brilliance.

“If you would have told me back in Night City that one day we’d be walking through a peaceful garden, marveling at flowers, I would never have believed you,” she said with a soft smile.

“I think, after the events of Night City, we have both earned some peace,” he responded. She couldn’t disagree with him.

The visit was legitimately starting to take her mind off of her nagging body problem when a particular kiosk caught her eye, and she gasped in recognition. It was simple compared to some of the other displays – just a collection of flowers in pots. The stems were tall, and the flowers themselves looked almost like balls: large, globular, yellow things, with hundreds of inwardly curving yellow petals. “Goro,” she said as she walked towards the blooms, voice nearly a whisper, “this is it. This is the flower I’ve been seeing.”

Something like relief washed over his face. “Perhaps, as I said before, there is a simpler explanation. Chrysanthemums are commonly displayed throughout Japan this time of year. Maybe you saw one shortly after leaving the hospital.”

She furrowed her brow. It was true that her memories after waking up in the hospital were a bit of a blur, but she could have sworn the image of the flower had been in her mind before she left. “Maybe,” she said, but she remained unconvinced.

Goro was about to respond when he received a notification on his holo. He held up a hand to excuse himself to V, and then his eyes flashed as he accepted the call. She couldn’t understand what was being said, as he spoke in Japanese, but midway through the call his mouth had thinned into a straight line, and he looked somber as the call ended. “A colleague of mine has turned up information on your…” His expression contorted. “Your donor.”

“Oh!” The turn-around was quicker than she had expected. “And?”

“Yoshinaga Kiku,” he said simply.

“Okay.” She waited, intuition telling her he had something to add.

“V,” he said slowly, “the given name, Kiku...it is the Japanese word for chrysanthemum.”

Chapter Text

The name was no coincidence, she was sure of it. Even Goro’s confidence that her visions meant nothing had faltered. And now, knowing this much...well, it wasn’t enough. She wasn’t content to leave it at a name. She had to know more.

Goro left shortly after breakfast the next morning. “Do not do anything rash,” he warned as he was leaving, and some part of her laughed internally. He seemingly knew her too well. “We will figure out our next steps together.”

She nodded, but knew it was a promise she couldn’t keep. He was barely out the door before she was on his computer, finding whatever information she could about the woman whose body she now inhabited. Her cyberware may have been gone, but she was not without abilities or knowledge of underground networks. It took less than an hour for her to dig up an address.

She muddled her way through several forms of public transportation, eventually finding herself at the front door of a small house in a bucolic village. Holding up a fist to knock, she suddenly paused. Is this a good idea? But it was too late; she was here now, and there was no turning back. Before she could second-guess herself, she knocked on the door.

After a few moments, an older woman opened the door. Her expression upon seeing V was at first shock, then fear, followed instantly by grief. Before V could get a word out, the woman yelled something in Japanese, and was then sobbing into her own hands. “I’m sorry,” V said softly, not even knowing if the woman could understand her. Guilt gnawed at her. What were you expecting? What exactly was your plan?

A man, roughly the same age as the woman, came running to the door, and his face went white upon seeing V. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “I didn’t mean to…” The man put an arm around the woman, leading her inside, speaking quiet words to her that V couldn’t understand. As they left the doorway, V saw another woman inside. She was close to V’s age, maybe a few years younger, and V felt an unmistakable pull toward her. The woman looked at the couple in confusion, then turned and made eye contact with V. Understanding dawned on the younger woman’s face, and she hurried to the door.

V’s breath caught in her throat: she recognized this younger woman from her dreams. They laughed together in a garden, binoculars around the woman’s neck. “I know you,” she whispered as the woman approached.

The woman asked her something in Japanese, but V shook her head. “I don’t understand,” she admitted, and the woman nodded, switching to English.

“I expect you are here to ask about Kiku,” she said simply, sneaking a look back into the room at the couple as she spoke the name.

“I…” V furrowed her brow. “Yes. I think. I don’t know if I really know why I came, I just…it was something I felt I needed to do.”

The woman nodded. “Come in,” she said, stepping aside to let V enter. V tentatively stepped foot inside, feeling overwhelmed with strangeness and familiarity, all at once. The woman said something to the couple; the older woman, now seated on a sofa, continued to cry, and the man rubbed her arms in an attempt to soothe her. There was something unreadable on his face, and V turned away, wracked with guilt. “Follow me,” the woman said, and led V up a set of stairs and into a small bedroom.

The were both silent for a moment as V took in her surroundings. “I am Sakura,” the woman finally said, breaking the silence.

V closed her eyes, certain she knew this information somewhere deep inside herself. “Her sister,” she said quietly, and the woman nodded. She opened her eyes. “I’m sorry for coming. I didn’t mean to upset your parents.”

Sakura’s eyes drifted to the doorway; the woman’s cries were now muffled, but still audible. “It has been hard on them. Seeing you…” She stopped, making a face. “Seeing their daughter again came as a shock.”

“You don’t seem surprised to see me.”

Sakura shook her head. “I did some research after the donation process. Full body donation is still very new, but I read about recipients of organs reaching out to their donors, or their donors’ families, and I thought it might be a possibility.” She gave V a sad smile. “You found us more quickly than I expected you to.”

V swallowed. “Ever since I was woken up, I’ve been having these...visions. I thought maybe if I knew more about her, I could make sense of them.”

“Visions?” Sakura repeated, a wrinkle appearing between her brows.

“Yeah,” V said. “The chrysanthemums, for one.”

“Hm.” Sakura stepped over to the window, gesturing for V to follow her. She pointed outside, to the large garden below. “These?” V peered out the window to see flowers in a variety of types and colors, but the large yellow chrysanthemums in the center were the most prominent. “Our parents are gardeners,” Sakura explained. “Kiku inherited their green thumbs. She would joke that growing chrysanthemums was her birthright.” She smiled at the memory. “We spent so many hours together in that garden.”

“You were in my visions too.”

“Oh?” Sakura turned her head sharply toward V.

“I don’t know how, but I think this body...remembered you.” V chewed at her lower lip. “I think the things I’ve been seeing are things that held a lot of meaning to her.”

Sakura turned away again, but not before V saw the tears pooling in her eyes. “She was more than my sister, she was my best friend. There is nobody in the world I was closer to…” She trailed off, and V felt an inexplicable urge to reach out to her. Before she could overthink it, V pulled her into a hug. Sakura tensed, but with a shaky sigh relaxed, and returned the hug. “I think she would be glad you came,” she said.

“What was she like?” V asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“She was kind,” Sakura said, pulling away from V. “She had hands that nurtured, not just the land, but people too. She was always willing to give of herself if it would help someone else. That is why she chose to enroll in the body donation program – she said, ‘If someone else can benefit from my body when I no longer can, what reason would I have not to donate?’”

V frowned. “Why donate to Arasaka, though? Why not choose normal organ donation?”

Sakura smiled. “Well, she did that too. Arasaka’s body donation program is a long shot, honestly – the bodies have to be completely intact, with no disease or damage to any internal organs. Of course she thought organ donation would be more likely, but with Arasaka, figured ‘why not?’” V’s knitted brows didn’t let up, so Sakura continued. “She likely would never have heard of the Secure Your Soul program, but...she was working for Arasaka at the time. Nothing crazy,” she added, seeing the look on V’s face, “she just worked in accounting. It wasn’t an ideal situation; she didn’t love the thought of working for a megacorp, but our parents had to close their flower shop, and we needed the money. She didn’t hesitate to set her personal feelings aside to help our family.”

An uneasy feeling arose in her gut as soon as Arasaka was mentioned. “Sakura,” she said, trying to maintain some inner calm. “How did your sister die?”

Sakura wrung her hands together, looked down at the floor. “There was an accident.”

“An ‘accident’?” V asked sharply. “Was Arasaka involved?”

Sakura’s eyes widened in surprise, and she seemed taken aback. “What? No!”

“Are you sure?”

“I was there,” Sakura said firmly. She sighed. “There was no foul play. I convinced her to come out one night with some friends, some people our parents warned us to stay away from. We were...we had been drinking. One of the boys had brought his new motorcycle, and we took turns riding it. Kiku...she fell...hit her head. We made a stupid mistake, and it cost us everything.”

V opened her mouth, then closed it again. Her worst fears had evaporated, but a feeling she couldn’t shake lingered. “It’s not your fault,” V finally said.

“I know,” Sakura responded calmly, “but I will always have to live with the ‘what ifs’.” They were both quiet for a moment, and then Sakura let out a gentle laugh. “Here we have been having this deep, personal conversation, as if we were old friends, and I realize I never even asked your name.”

“It’s…” V hesitated, considering. “Um, it’s Valerie.”

“It is nice to meet you, Valerie.”

V stepped away from the window finally, something like tunnel vision dissipating, and took in the rest of the room. “You can look at her things,” Sakura offered, and V nodded, fingers tracing over the blanket on a neatly-made bed. She looked at the artwork hung on the walls, mostly floral-themed paintings, and framed photographs of Kiku and Sakura, smiling, laughing, and making silly faces together. She passed a bookshelf with a mixture of Japanese and English books, gardening manuals featured most heavily. She found herself at a small desk, where a field guide to birds was propped open next to a notebook with Japanese writing. She nearly walked past it, but her eyes were drawn back to the book, and she squinted, taking a closer look at the illustration on the open page.

“Sakura,” she said, pointing down at the drawing in the field guide. The bird pictured had a rusty reddish brown body, with brighter red patches on its crown and belly, and a white beak. “What can you tell me about this bird?”

Sakura smiled, not even having to look to know what V was referring to. “It is an Okinawa woodpecker,” she explained. “Critically endangered, and endemic to the Okinawa Prefecture. Kiku’s passion was flowers,” she said, shrugging. “Mine is birds.”

V ran a finger over the bird on the page, outlining its shape. “The Avian Extermination Act banned birds in Night City,” V said absently.

“How?” Sakura asked, frowning. “It is not like you can put up a fence; they have wings.”

“I’m not sure,” V said, “I just know that I never saw them when I lived there.” She looked over at Sakura, who still stood by the window. “What significance did this particular bird have to your sister?”

“She was helping me complete my life list. We wanted to see every bird native to Japan. This was one of the last – it is elusive, and only found in a very small area. Most of the woodpecker’s habitat was destroyed to build a military training base, and the birds are only rarely seen now. If we wanted a shot at finding one – a task that might be nearly impossible – we knew we would have to spent a considerable amount of time on the island of Okinawa. We were in the middle of planning a trip there when she passed away.”

“I’m sorry you never got to take that trip.”

Sakura nodded. “Me too.” She pursed her lips. “I will go someday, on my own. I will honor my sister’s memory by finding that woodpecker. It is what she would have wanted.”

“Do you...do you think we could keep in touch?” V asked, tentatively. “I don’t know if my presence here is reopening wounds or not, and it’s okay if you say no, but...I think I might like to know when you find your bird.”

“I did not know how I would feel when I saw you...when I saw her again,” Sakura said. “But I think I am glad that you are here. Yes, Valerie, we can keep in touch.”

Chapter Text

Goro had returned home while she was still out, and had sent her a worried message. She responded to reassure him, but was deliberately vague. He was visibly relieved when she walked through the door. “You did exactly what I told you not to do,” he said. It wasn’t a question; he was perceptive.

“Yeah,” she admitted, “impulsive decisions are my modus operandi.”

He sighed, taking a seat on the couch, and patted the cushion next to him in invitation. “Well, you can at least tell me what happened.” She sat next to him, recalling the events of the day, and he listened thoughtfully. “Was it what you were hoping for?” he asked when she was finished.

She chewed on her lower lip, considering it. “I’m not sure what I was hoping for,” she said, “but I think it helped. Knowing the circumstances of what happened to her have alleviated most of the fears I’ve had, that’s for sure. But…” She trailed off, and he raised an eyebrow.

“But?” he prompted.

“I don’t know,” she said, shaking her head. “I feel…” Her inability to express herself in words was frustrating; Goro must have sensed that, and he put a hand over hers reassuringly. She tried again. “I feel like there’s still some part of her that I’m carrying in this body,” she said. “I have these residual memories, and I feel like I need to do something with them.”

“What do you need to do?”

“That’s just it; I don’t know! She seems like she was a really good person, and I’m...well, I’m not sure she would have been happy with who got inserted into her.”

“V.” He squeezed her hand, and she glanced over at him. “Why do you think that?”

“She grew things, cultivated them, allowed them to thrive, brought beauty into the world. I’ve done some awful shit, Goro. I’m a thief, a criminal, a murderer. She brought things to life, and I only bring death.”

He was silent for a minute. “I was facing my own end,” he said quietly, “and you pulled me back from the brink. You dragged me out of that building, got me back on my feet. I know I am not the only one in Night City you helped. You were plunged into bad circumstances, like so many in that place were, but you were a bright light among the darkness. You may not believe it, but I assure you, you were a force for good.”

“I don’t wanna...I don’t think I can go back to that life.”

“You do not have to.”

“I just keep thinking that...I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid, but...maybe it’s fate that brought me and her together. This could be a new beginning for me, an opportunity to be something better. She wanted to help people, and maybe together we can. I don’t want to waste her gift, I don’t want to be a disappointment to her; I want…” Her voice caught in her throat. “I want to do something that would make her proud.”

“I do not think you could ever be a disappointment to anyone,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. Her eyes met his, and there was something so genuine there it nearly took her breath away. And then her lips were on his, and she honestly couldn’t even say who had made the first move. But it felt right, it felt like it had been inevitable, like a dam had burst, like something that had been bubbling just under the surface was finally pouring out, making itself realized.

But it wasn’t just her appearance she lost when she left Mikoshi; it was her sense of self, it was her place in the world, it was her confidence. There was a nagging thought in the back of her head, insistently pressing into her like a thorn, and her heart sank. She pulled away suddenly. “Goro,” she said, “when we were in Night City, I messaged you with a proposition. You turned me down.”

He swallowed. “It was not that I had no interest...I just did not feel it appropriate to take you up on your offer, given the circumstances.”

“What changed?”

“You, constantly trying to convince me to leave Arasaka.”

“It didn’t work,” she reminded him glumly.

“Not entirely,” he said, corner of his mouth raising in a half smile. “But it caused me to think. I devoted my life to what Saburo wanted, never once considering what I wanted. How many things have I denied myself because they did not fit into Arasaka’s plans? Part of me will always be loyal to Arasaka, but another part of me has finally decided to start living for myself. I have wasted so much time...I do not want to waste anymore.”

She couldn’t seem to meet his eyes again. “So it’s got nothing to do with the fact that now, I look like this?” She made an offhand gesture to her body.

“Of course not!” He looked aghast. “If you think I felt no attraction to you before Mikoshi, you are wrong. I thought you were beautiful then, and I think you are beautiful now. But more importantly, you are you.” He gently tilted her chin, forcing her to look up at him. “You are special to me regardless of your physical appearance. It is what is in here –” his hand released her chin and instead pressed a finger to her temple “– that matters the most.”

She took a deep breath, closing her eyes, and a tear rolled down her cheek. She felt his fingers brush it away, and when she opened her eyes again, his face was distorted with concern. “I am sorry,” he said, “I should not have –“

“No,” she said, cutting him off. “No, don’t apologize. I want this, Goro, I promise you I do. I’ve wanted it since Night City. I just...I’m trying to adjust to a lot of things right now. I’m trying to figure out who this is,” she said, tapping her temple in the sample place Goro had previously. “Who am I now? Am I the same person I was in Night City? So much of my identity was wrapped up in my physical self...I just need some time.”

“Of course,” he said. “I understand.”

She awkwardly got herself up off the couch. “I think I need to get some rest. It’s been a long day. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

*

But the next day, when Goro awoke, she was gone. It was unlike her, to be awake before him, and somehow she had managed to sneak out early without disturbing him. She left a handwritten note in the tidied guest bedroom.

Goro,

I’m sorry. This is not forever. I need some time to figure out who I am now, and there’s something I think I need to do. I’ll be in touch. Thank you for everything.

V

He picked up the note, read it and then re-read it, and finally set it down with a sigh. He had waited for two years; he would continue to wait for her, for as long as she needed.

Chapter Text

It had been well over a month when he received his first message from her. After she had left, he tried to reach out to her, but other than letting him know she was safe (and that she didn’t give a shit about what the doctors who were supposed to be monitoring her progress thought), she didn’t respond to him. He vacillated between angry, worried, and sad, but ultimately realized that she needed to be apart from him to heal, and he begrudgingly accepted that.

The message was a poor quality photograph of a far-away bird. He didn’t understand, and he told her as much, but she didn’t elaborate. Instead, she sent a follow-up message, a selfie of her and a similar-looking younger woman, both wearing binoculars around their necks, smiling brightly.

Less than a week later, there was a knock on his door, and he couldn’t stop the smile forming on his lips when he saw her standing there. He knew in his heart that he would see her again one day; he thought he might be upset with her when she returned, but now found all of his negative feelings evaporating. She looked similar but different; she was more at ease in her skin. She had gotten a small amount of new cyberware, and he could see fresh tattoos peeking out from under her jacket.

“V,” he breathed, and that was all he was able to get out before she threw her arms around him.

“I’m going by Valerie now,” she said, voice muffled in his shoulder, and he smiled.

“Valerie,” he repeated.

She pulled away, facial expression serious. “Goro, I’m really sorry I left the way I did. I kind of just...panicked, I think. You had two years to build up this image of me in your head, and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to live up to it. I left all of my confidence in my old body, I guess; I couldn’t stop thinking that I’d eventually disappoint you. So...I went ahead and disappointed you.”

“You know that is not true,” he said softly.

She ducked her head. “I kind of doubt that,” she said before looking back up. “Running off without a word, leaving you in the dark? You deserved better than that, especially after all you had done for me. I said I wanted to be better than I used to be, then I went and screwed over the one person who was actually there for me when I needed them. It was selfish, and I’m so sorry.”

“Your apology is accepted,” he said, “but I do not fault you. I could not understand what you were going through; you needed to deal with the circumstances in your own way.”

“Sure,” she said, “but my way was shitty and inconsiderate of you. I mean, you made a whole list of restaurants that we never went to.”

He laughed. “There will be time for that,” he said. “Now, come inside. It is cold out.” She followed him in. “Did you...find what you were looking for?”

“I think so,” she nodded. “What I did, I did for both her and myself. For her, I finished something she started, something I think she would have wanted to see through. For me, I needed to know how much of myself was still me. As it turns out, despite being in her body, I am terrible at both gardening and bird watching, so I must still be in here somewhere.” Her mouth quirked upward in a half-grin. “I’ve made a sort of peace with myself, with my situation, and with her,” she explained. “I’ll be honest – I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. But…”

“But?” he questioned.

“I want to figure that out with you. I said once that I didn’t think staying in one place was something I was meant to do. But I think I finally found somewhere that I want to stay.” She paused. “If you’ll have me, that is.”

He smiled, warm and wide. “You already know that I will.” He took her in his arms and kissed her, and she felt like herself again.