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Chapter Text

Not too far away from Pentagram City lay a shady place in the bowels of Hell. “Welcome to Imp City: est. 1981” was posted on a worn wooden sign with a white painted eye toward the top. Under a crimson sky, a wide array of buildings made up the city, some with spikes on the roofs. Downtrodden imps of various colors and sizes mulled around the streets and ghettos. Mugging, sex, drugs, poverty, and murder were common aspects of their everyday afterlives. Indeed, being considered “lesser demons” and the “lowest of the low,” not very many had opportunities granted to them.

Well, save for a unique family of imps, trying to get their business running.

Just who were these imps?

A nearby screen showed old fashioned numbers ticking down, 3, 2, and 1. Blitzo, a red and white faced imp, appeared on stage in front of purple open curtains. “Hi there! I’m Blitzo! The “O” is silent, and I’m the founder of I.M.P.!” He put out his hand and the logo appeared above it. The “M” in I.M.P. looked like imp horns, black and white in color. Down below were the words “Immediate Murder Professionals.”

Blitzo spoke again. “Are you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell?”

A picture of Blitzo with a mustache and two black top hats over his horns was grinning evilly as a building burned in the background. The sign nearby read “Orphanage for elderly, blind, and newborn dogs.”

“Or are you an innocent soul who just happened to get fucked over by someone else?!”

The next image showed Blitzo in a white angel costume, happily throwing away a Styrofoam coffee cup in a wastepaper basket instead of a recycling bin in an office.

In the next shot, Blitzo held up a sign which read “Some guy who hired us!” A buff horned red demon wearing a white Ohio shirt stood not too far from the camera, a 666 News billboard in the background. He punched one fist into his hand.

“After lovingly killing my wife for fucking a delivery man, you can imagine my surprise when I wound down here, after the state of Ohio killed me! I really wish I could stick it to that yappy jogger who saw me hiding the body!”

Blitzo appeared again, this time with his fellow imps Millie and Moxxie in the background. A white-clothed altar with a mirror and skulls on it was in the very back. White candles were spread around the room. The two imps were sitting at a pentagram drawn on the floor. Blitzo held a blue Satanic ritual book in his hand.

“Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company’s special access to the living world…”

He waved his hand and a flaming portal appeared in the center of the room, causing Moxxie and Millie to scatter.

“…we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive!” He happily fell through the portal on his back like it was a mosh pit.

Then the musical jingle started:

“When you want somebody gone

And you don’t want to wait too long

Call the Immediate Murder Professionals!”

“Hand grenade or cyanide

We’ll make it look like suicide

The Immediate Murder Professionals!”

“We do our job so well

‘Cause we come straight up from Hell!”

“We’ll kill your husband or you wife

We’ll even let you keep the knife,

The Immediate…Murder…Professionals!

Kids die for freeee!”

A white person appeared with a thought bubble of his enemy with a red x. A demon fell to the floor and the person looked up. The I.M.P. logo appeared, silhouettes of Millie with a spear, Moxxie with a gun and Blitzo in the middle, spreading out his arms to make an “M.”

Fast paced shots flashed through the ad.

Moxxie throwing a grenade out a window as his companions grinned.

Blitzo hanging a person in an office building while Moxxie watched. Millie held a suicide note in her hand with a grin.

Then more killing scenes flashed: Blitzo electrocuting a person, Millie using a mace, Moxxie choking his victim.

Blitzo led the way through a portal to Earth, Millie and Moxxie following. Moxxie tripped on a book and landed on his face while the others posed. They then stood up shocked…at the people in a church staring at them in confusion.

Millie killed a naked couple with a chainsaw while Blitzo looked greedily at a woman’s underwear.

Blitzo repeatedly stabbed someone else tied up near a “Blitzo show” sign at a circus.

The three imps used more methods to kill Earthlings: Medieval torture racks, shark attacks, fire and gasoline on someone, pillow suffocation, crushing someone to death with a grand piano, the electric chair for a prisoner…

“Kids die for freeeee!” ended the ad.

Moxxie and Millie sang a murder love song in their living room before the meeting. Moxxie played on his purple demon-face guitar as Millie watched him with love in her eyes. It reminded them of the good times when they would shot at demons together in the streets, drag a bloody sack behind them and when Millie got a grenade as a present and used it to blow up a building.

“Oh what a thrill when the crimson starts to spill

And my Millie goes in for the kill

She takes away my breath

She’s the angel of death for me

Oh Millie

She’s a queen, it’s like a dream

When I hear her victims start to scream

Get him out of the sack

She’s a maniac for me

Oh Millie

When the blood starts dripping down the sides

And the bodies start to fall from the skies

My heart skips a beat

When my Millie’s guns a blazing in the night

That’s in love

She makes the murdering fun for me”

Both of them hummed before Moxxie finished,

“Of all the imps in Hell…

Millie joined in, “It’s for him that I fell…”

“Oh Millie.” They leaned in for a kiss.

They paused. Moxxie yelled, while looking out the window. His boss, Blitzo was pressed against the window with a video camera. “Are you fucking filming us right now?!”

Moxxie sighed, as a smiling Blitzo held up a sign which read “Meeting in 20 min: nice job banging yo’ wife!”

0 0 0

Just before the meeting, the head imp, Blitzo walked into the receptionist room.

“Blitz!” called Loona, the hellhound, holding a bone shaped phone in her hand. “That clingy rich asshole is on the phone! Says it’s urgent and wants to talk to you!” Then she added in a lower voice, “Sounds a little DTF-y.” (Down to Fuck)

Blitzo spilled water on himself as he talked with Moxxie by the water cooler. “Oh god it was one time! We wouldn’t have access to the living world…if I hadn’t slept with that privileged asshole!”

“You what?” Moxxie asked in disbelief.

“Blitz!” Loona barked in outrage.

“I heard you already!” Blitzo yelled. He stomped into his office and picked up his red cell phone. He played with little bobble heads of his imp coworkers, Moxxie and Millie. Signs were tacked to the wall, reading: “The Incredible Blitzo! One night only! Tickets now at the Big Top!”

“So…” Blitzo beamed nervously, “What can I do you for this time, Stolas?”

The owl overlord replied, lounging on his couch in a royal red robe and a crown.

“Remember that time when I told you that a political candidate was causing problems up on Earth for a few of my associates? That he tried to convince people that global warming existed?”

“Yes?” Blitzo answered.

“And that it does, but more people die when nothing’s done about it? Oh, how lonely I felt.”

“Okay well, yeah that makes sense,” Blitzo said.

“But now…” he hooted in laughter. “There are tons of new sinners coming down here every day! I just had a feast and a murder party several nights ago. I wondered why a horde of people arrived and it’s because of a disease called the coronavirus! My, it’s the best thing to ever happen since my wedding and my darling daughter Octavia’s graduation from flight school!”

“Well…I’m very happy for you, sir,” Blitzo said. “I hope that…corn-ah virus does its thing.”

Stolas sighed. “My wife Stella wasn’t happy with me, though. She said you fell onto a cake in the middle of a lunch with her and the royal officials during her tea party.”

A tense silence.

Blitzo examined his chest and arms. “I still have the talon scars and peck marks to prove it.”

“And she also said that you stole one of my books, is that true?”

“No! No way!” Blitzo lied with a nervous laugh. “That was another imp long ago. I…may not have sneaked out while you slept and shed feathers and said, ‘I got the book, I got the book, I got this fucking heavy book!’ And then I yelled, ‘Oh shit!’ and fell down from the balcony into the cake with the book. Then I told her ‘Sorry I fucked your husband!’”

A tense silence.

Blitzo added nervously, “Can I tell you how great it felt…sleeping with you?”

“Indeed,” Stolas agreed with a contented sigh, forgetting about the imp’s trouble-making. “Your sharp horns and claws ruffling through my feathers, and my talons and beak exploring your multicolored flesh. You know what happens when I’m lonely, Blitzy?”

“Oh, god fucking dammit…” Blitzo muttered to himself.

Stolas’ eyes grew red. “When I’m lonely, I become hungry. And when I’m become hungry…I want to choke on that red dick of yours!  **** your ***** then lick all of your *****, before taking out your **** and **** with more teeth until you’re screaming ******** like a fucking baby!”

Blitzo hung up the phone, the words on Stolas’ picture reading “creepy mouth: aka one night stand bird dick.” and smashed it with a rotary phone. He threw the pieces into a blender and mixed it up.

“Eat this!” he told Loona who walked in and drank the red liquid.

“And then y’know that bridge over the freeway?” he asked.

“Yeah?”

“Shit off it! It’s time for the meeting, let’s go.”

0 0 0

The imps currently resided in a tall office building that seemed to stand out among the other structures. Along with spikes jutting from the roof and sides, there were a pair of giant black and white imp horns attached to the sides of the building for decoration. The lights inside near the top floor were on.

Posted on a door were the words “I.M.P. Headquarters” with “IMP Meeting in Progress” written on a piece of paper taped to the door, a smiley face off to the side.

On a white board was a bar graph and a line graph, the line graph pointing lower at a drawing of a raging horned demon. “Fix this shit!” was written in big bold letters that took up much of the board. “Blitzo is the best, by Blitzo” was scribbled off to the side. Several tall chairs with spikes jutting from the top boarders were set near a brown table in the center of the room. A white pentagram was drawn in the center of the table.

Up front, a black, white, and red colored imp paced back and forth, sprouting long curved striped horns: Blitzo. He wore black fingerless gloves with what looked like a yellow eye design on each glove. He was dressed in a slender navy blue business suit with light red buttons. A small round pink pin with black eyes and a stitched mouth was attached onto a red undershirt below his slender chin. What looked like a black two-clawed print mark lay over his red forehead. Along with sharp teeth, the imp has red iris eyes with yellow sclera. Like a typical devil, he also had a red pointed tail. He had four red finger-shaped claws on each hand.

Blitzo began to speak, pacing back and forth. He looked toward his audience of two imps and a hellhound sitting on chairs around a table.

“Alright, now I know business has been…a bit slow lately, yes.”

He mentioned to the board at the downward sloping line. “In fact, there seems to be less people seeking out our services; 1,056 in comparison to the 1,066 from last month. We’ve basically spiraled from the True Blue Market to that of the Raging Bull.” He pointed at the roaring demon head drawing on the board.

“Shouldn’t it be the Bull Market is good and the Bear Market is bad?” said a voice.

“Loona, nobody cares,” Blitzo said. He continued.

“Any decrease could spell disaster for us, not to mention how lots of people use our services and yet look down on us.”

Blitzo cleared his throat and spread out his hands. “It’s no one’s fault, okay? I’m not naming any names here…Moxxie.”

Moxxie raised his eyebrows in a “what the hell?” gesture as Blitzo looked at him. The serious imp had a red face, yellow eyes, white hair framing his face and stripped horns jutting off to the sides in slight curves. He wore a large red bow-tie and a navy blue suit. White freckles were present under his eyes.

Blitzo continued, “Now does anyone have…any bright ideas on how we can get business drummin’ up again?”

Millie, the bubbly imp raised her hand. She had a red face, messy black hair with a white flower patch near the top, and short black horns with faint white stripes. Her eyes were also yellow and she wore a black top, black torn pants, high heeled shoes and a little black choker around her neck. Her eyelashes extended past her face.

Millie waved her hand and beamed, eyes shining. “What…about…a car wash?!”

“This is Hell, Millie. No one cares about cars being clean here, okay?”

Just then, there came a coughing from the other room. A small cyclops demon with hot pink hair with a patch of yellow opened the door and walked in. She brushed off soot from her hot pink skirt and waved at the group, who stared in surprise.

“Hi, I’m Niffty! It’s nice to meet you. Are you part of I.M.P.?”

“Uh yes?” Blitzo replied, unsure of what to make of this random maid.

“Oh great, because one of my friends sent me here to investigate, he’s a busy chap, you know, and oh so dreamy!”

She darted around the room and began removing cobwebs from the windows. “It looks like there are two men, a woman and a dog here, a nice balance.”

Loona, the grey hellhound glared at Niffty, narrowing her red eyes. “What was that, you little shit?”

Loona had a red cell phone in her clawed paws, the back of the phone displaying a black upside down cross. She wore a grey top with black strings in the shape of an inverted pentagram. A spiked collar was around her neck. Her pants were dark and torn, with a white crescent moon on them. Her feet were bare and her hair and tail were thick with white and dark fur.

Niffty stopped in her tracks. “Now, did you guys need any cars to be washed?”

Blitzo shook his head. “We don’t have any cars here, we’re broke as fuck.”

Millie stared at Niffty and cupped her own cheeks with her hands. “Oh my Satan! She’s so adorable! Can we keep her?!”

“No!” Moxxie and Loona said at the same time. The two workers then glared at each other.

Moxxie crossed his arms. “We’re in the middle of a meeting right now. Do you mind?!” He pointed to the door.

Niffty laughed nervously, “Oh okay, sorry about that, hehehe! I’ll be outside if you need me!”

She scurried out of the room.

Blitzo paused for a moment, then said, “Oh right! Ideas for our company!” He waved his hands, his eyes shining. “Ooh, what about a billboard?”

Moxxie crossed his arms. “We can’t afford a billboard, sir.”

Blitzo rushed over and held Moxxie in a headlock. His voice was rushed and sarcastic, “Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you’re in the room right now.” He shoved Moxxie away.

Blitzo stared in frustration. “Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?”

He picked up a remote and turned on an old fashioned TV.

After static appeared on screen, the footage showed the group killing off individuals.

Blitzo bashing a red demon’s head with a mullet.

Moxxie shooting a blue person tied up to a chair.

Loona grabbing a red person in her mouth and shaking the person side to side like a wolf.

Millie beheading a blue person with a spear and laughing.

Blitzo watched with a relaxed smile on his face, holding up a blue bowl of popcorn. Loona sat on the table, popping popcorn pieces into her mouth. Millie was perched on the table, enjoying the show, but Moxxie stood off to the side with a grumpy face.

Posters hung from the walls, one showing Blitzo and his twin sister Barbie Wire (a smiling imp with ram-like horns.) It was a picture of them at a circus, the banner reading “The Amazing Imp Siblings!”  Tilla, was a kind-faced red imp with long black hair who stood behind them in the background. She helped raise her two twin children for much of their life. Blitzo remembered the good times he had with them when they performed on stage. Barbie Wire would balance on a tightrope, holding a pole with flames on either end. Blitzo’s childhood friend Fizzarolli would do acrobatic tricks in the air to the amusement of the audience. Even Tilla would tame manticores, dragons, lions and vicious mythical beasts that were released into the arena. Blitzo would tell jokes and sing songs about murdering people and they would all pose and bow at the end as the crowd cheered. Blitzo and Fizzarolli would also wear shirts with Mammon’s symbols on it, admiring the rich jester ruler.

That was before Blitzo moved on to form I.M.P., recruited Moxxie and Millie, and adopted Loona.

Blitzo moved his hand toward his chest and sighed with content. “Ahh, those were the good times.”

Moxxie spoke up as Millie ate a piece of popcorn. “I don’t need any reminding, sir, considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel nobody watches.”

Blitzo turned his head, insulted. “Uh, hey, excuse me.” He stood up. “What’s ‘obnoxious’ about a super-fun jingle, all right? It’s a fun distraction when an advertisement’s spittin’ bullshit!”

He walked across the room.

“People love musicals, sir,” Millie added.

Blitzo smiled. “Exactly, Millie! And we’re basically doin’ a musical.” Blitzo did jazz hands before pointing rapidly at Moxxie with a scowl.

“Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?” He lowered his head.

“Sir…” Moxxie began, but his boss cut him off.

“Because right now, all I see is just my dad’s asshole talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.” He turned his head away.

Millie leaned in toward her husband and spoke with a teasing tone. “Are you trying to crush his dreams, Moxxie?”

“I…what?” he asked, looking at her. Millie leaned in close and stuck out her tongue, tail curling. “I thought I knew you.” Moxxie rolled his eyes; his wife loved to annoy him.

Blitzo turned back to Moxxie, tears in his eyes. “I can’t believe you, Moxxie. After I made you employee of the month!” He held a picture of Moxxie with his mouth open in a roar, snake tongue showing.

Moxxie threw up his hands, “Okay, sir! I’m sorry, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre. Nobody actually likes the jingles.”

“I liked it!” Millie pipped up.

Moxxie turned to her, finger shaking, “Do not…do not agree with him in front of me!”

Loona sat, bored, playing on her phone. Moxxie’s head appeared on the screen but was crushed by a weight and then blown up by a bomb. At one point his face was sliced in half as “boom!” flashed across the screen.

“Remember when we shot that kid on Earth?” Blitzo asked.

Moxxie got a flashback. “Oh, right. I shot that boy who was walking around licking strawberry ice cream. It was an accident. He was taken on a stretcher to the hospital.”

The pink haired nurse had said, “Doctor, he’s not responding!”

“Cool water, stat!” The blue-haired man had said next. He slammed water down on the boy and said, “It didn’t do anything!”

The doctor had said, “Damn it! I’m not losing another one! “Clear!” Then they had shocked him and the boy somehow woke up with a gasp. The doctor said “Holy shit, it actually worked.”

Millie then explained that the three of them sat in the waiting room. Blitzo read a magazine while Millie comforted Moxxie. The doctor had said to the imps, “He appears to be in stable condition, but he’ll need surgery. Now what insurance provider do you freaks have?”

Then Blitzo asked, “The fuck is insurance?”

Moxxie sighed, “…and then they kicked us and the boy out through the window, briefly getting caught on the stretcher, and we fell back into Hell.”

A moment later, Moxxie spoke, hands forward in front of him. “I’d like to go on record and say that incident was Loona’s fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It’s very simple.”

“Oh, sit on a dick, Moxxie,” Loona replied without looking up.

Moxxie stuttered angrily, looking for a comeback. “You sit! Sit on…a… and the d...do your job!” He slammed his palm on the table.

Blitzo scolded him. “Hey, now we don’t blame our screw-ups on Loona, okay?! She didn’t do anything wrong!” He hugged her and nuzzled his head against her cheek, the hellhound growling at him to get off.

Moxxie stared in disbelief. “Are you kidding me, sir? She’s awful!”

Lonna looked at her phone. “The other day, right? I answered the puppy barking bone shaped phone and said ‘Hello, I.M.P.’ Millie was yelling, ‘Loona, I got stabbed! Call Mox…’ and then I hung up. Wasn’t my problem. My Hellhound Monthly magazine was much more interesting.”

“Don’t forget about my adoption anniversary gift I gave you at home!” Blitzo said, scratching his neck.

Lonna seethed. “Don’t remind me. It wasn’t a cure for syphilis, I didn’t want it! It so happened to be black spiders, crawling all over me!”

“Again, I’m sorry it was spiders,” Blitzo said.

“God damn it, apology not accepted!”

“You should be thankful that I rescued you after your hellhound family kicked you out,” Blitzo remarked.

Loona’s ears twitched. Millie stared nervously. “I was perfectly capable of fending for myself,” barked Loona, looking up from her phone for the first time. “There was nothing special about them, other than all the alcohol, meth and drugs they took. My parents never cared about us. I mean, they sent off my other siblings to work for other Overlords and were never seen again. Perhaps I was fortunate enough to not have to deal with them.”

Blitzo had tears in his eyes. He hugged her again. “Well, at least you’ve got me, Moxxie, and Millie as your new family!”

Loona hid a smile and just bared her fangs. “Get off of me before I bite your face off!”

Blitzo stepped back.

Loona then smiled and looked at Moxxie, a look of mischief in her red eyes.

Moxxie scowled. “Excuse me, did you just fax me an ad for weight loss the other day?”

“No,” Loona answered. “I was busy watching the princess sing in that video.”

“Wha-Why…Why would anyone send me that?!” Moxxie argued.

“Come on, you know why.” She smirked.

“I’m not chubby, thank you very much! Not to mention, you were the one who ate my avocado salad lunch! How rude.”

“I took it because I had the worst hangover.”

“But why would you drink on a work night?” Millie asked.

“I was hungover from that morning, dumbasses!” Loona said to Moxxie and Millie. “I couldn’t take your assaults much longer. So I decided to blow some fucking steam! I kicked a baby in a carriage down the street and caused some destruction. Felt good afterwards.”

Blitzo mentioned to Loona. “Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family and we don’t get rid of family.”

“We aren’t a family, sir!” Moxxie pointed out. “You are the boss! We are the employees! You treat her like she’s some troubled teenager! She’s more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phone!”

Loona flipped him the bird.

“That is offensive!” said Blitzo, walking to the window, pulling open the blinds. “Without homeless people, I wouldn’t have half the joy and laughter I do in this life!”

Outside, a homeless imp with a broken horn and ragged grey clothing held up a sign that read “Monee helps. Satan Bless.” An imp woman with black clothing and little bat wings blushed at Blitzo who waved and did a playful raise of eyebrows before closing the blinds.

Moxxie crossed his arms. “While we’re on the subject of “family,” can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?”

“Come on, sweetie, it’s not that big a deal!” Millie said.

Moxxie’s eyes grew wide. “Excuse me…what?! Back at home, I asked you, ‘Honey, can you get the butter?’ You said, ‘sure sweetie’.”

“Spoiler alert, the butter’s spoiled!” Blitzo added. Millie giggled.

“He was in our fucking fridge! He was spying on me while I was asleep. And worse, he fucking filmed me and you while we were singing and about to kiss!”

Blitzo giggled. “I still have it on camera.”

“It’s fine, honey,” Millie replied to Moxxie, patting his shoulder. “The “spoiler alert, butter’s spoiled!” was a funny impressive use of wordplay Blitzo used.”

“Why was he in our fridge anyway?” Moxxie countered. “And then I was dreaming that my parents were being murdered and Blitzo interrupted it. I wanted to get back to that.”

“I was just curious,” Blitzo responded.

“Just…stop...doing that,” Moxxie growled.

“I don’t see what the issue is!” said Blitzo. “There somethin’ you don’t want me seein’?” A mischievous silly look crossed his face.

“No!” Moxxie spat, eye twitching.

“You a baby-weiner-havor?” Blitzo asked, another term for a small dick.

Loona giggled under her breath.

Moxxie was fed up and stood. “Sir, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate!”

Millie pulled him down gently. “Calm down, Mox, you’re gonna have another panic attack!”

“I am calm!” he yelled.

Millie rubbed his head and soothed him. “Shh, shh, there, there.” Moxxie whimpered.

Blitzo spoke again with a childish grin, making a hole with two fingers and tapping the opening with one finger. “Look, I don’t judge the boring couple stuff you do outside of work hours, so don’t...judge…me!”

Veins popped out of Moxxie’s yellow eyes. “Oh I do judge you, sir! Quite a lot, actually!” He crossed his arms as Millie gasped in horror.

“Mox, he’s our boss!”

“No, no, no, it’s fine, Mills,” said Blitzo with a wave of his hand. “Your husband is just…how do I say this without being offensive…retarded.”

“Does immaturingly insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single, life?”

Blitzo leaned in toward Moxxie. “It actually does.”

Loona appeared to agree, because she added to Moxxie, “The only reason you have a wife is because you’re easy to manage!”

Moxxie gasped. She had called Moxxie submissive.

“No he’s not, you bitch!” Millie yelled, holding up two middle fingers.

“Do not talk to my assistant that way!” Blitzo demanded. “She’s sensitive!”

“Yes, I am!” Loona barked, snapping her jaws.

Then a squeaky voice sounded from nearby: “You guys are all fucking assholes.”

Everyone turned and stared at a boy wearing an orange shirt with a planet on it. He had brown hair, a blue baseball cap on and was connected to a monitor.

Blitzo pointed at him. “Oh shut up, kid, you’re lucky to witness this!”

Moxxie pinched his nose and sighed in frustration. “Ugh, this company is such a mess!”

“Did someone call me?” Niffty’s voice rang from the hallway. She opened the door a crack. “I can clean up any messes you may have!”

“No!” Moxxie called. “Go away!”

Niffty slowly closed the door.

An awkward silence…

“Alright, let’s get back to talking about my outfit!” Blitzo said out of nowhere.

“Nobody was talking about that!” Loona mentioned.

“Which is why I’m tryin’ to get that ball rolling. So how does it look? It’s good, right?”

The kid pointed his finger at Blitzo. He ripped off the wires from his stomach.

“It’s been a literal hell pretending to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn’t kill me, but now? I want that. I want death! You!” he pointed to Blitzo. “You are a selfish, greedy clown. And I’m a kid! We’re supposed to like clowns…even the creepy ones!”

Moxxie scoffed. “Hey now! That’s not very…”

The kid cut him off. “If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I’d rip out your spine and ask you some shit.”

Moxxie shivered in fear.

“That’s my husband you’re talkin’ to!” Millie yelled.

The kid snickered. “That’s your husband?! I figured you for a slut, but I didn’t know you needed dick that bad!”

Millie fumed at her husband being called ugly and weak. To think that she would have sex with anyone else at random…

“And you!” The kid pointed at Loona.

“What? What about me?” Loona asked.

The kid crossed his arms. “Nothing. I don’t talk to dogs. I’m a cat person.”

Loona whined.

“Wow,” said Blitzo. “You know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit.”

“Yeah, after all, he’s kind of a piece of shit,” Moxxie muttered.

A ding came from Loona’s phone. She smiled. “Oh fuck! Guys, I just got a text from our client! Guess he was the right target after all!”

“Who?” Blitzo asked.

“Him.”

“Me?” asked the kid.

“Yup,” she confirmed.

“They wanted us to kill an actual child?” Blitzo asked.

“That’s what they’re sayin’,” Loona said.

Blitzo grinned and twirled a gun in his hand. His job just got more fun and easier. “Well Christ on a stick, I guess there is a God!” He fired and fatally shot the boy in the chest. He flopped down dead in a pool of blood, smoke and sparks lingering in the air.

Blitzo spoke about I.M.P.: “Y’know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we’re capable of doing the same things anyone else can. Like killing people! So, from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money… is gone and you’re never getting it back and you can write us a bad review, but we’ll play dumb to it because it’s Hell and no one fuckin’ cares.”

Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie kicked the dead kid on the floor, enjoying themselves. Loona snapped a picture with her phone and recorded the scene. After the imps left with the body, Niffty came in and gasped.

“Well, time to clean this up. What a mess!” She hummed a happy tune as she mopped up the blood at rapid speed.

Blitzo and Moxxie wore gas masks and green suits as Blitzo sawed off the boy’s arm and Moxxie sawed his chest, organs spilling out into a sack below. Millie tossed an arm into the sack and Loona helped hold open the sack. Moxxie dropped the boy’s severed head inside and shared a loving smile with his wife.

Etched in red graffiti on a dumpster behind them were the words “Devil,” “Hell,” “Happy Hotel,” and “I’m always chasing rainbows.” A pentagram, and wide smiles were also doodled on the surface.

Blitzo embraced the entire group in a forceful hug, knocking the phone from Loona’s hands.

“Y’know, even though this kid was a target…he’s still a child. It’s important that we’ve handled this going forward respectfully.” Blitzo wrapped his long tail around the group, all of them smiling genuinely. For despite all their problems, they were still a company family.

Back in the human world, a crying blonde mother wearing a pink shirt and a necklace held up a paper saying “missing boy.” Below in large letters read on the news: “Mom sucks at drawing own kid!” Words say “There is a missing boy!’ and “Yet another missing kid!”

The mother spoke into the microphone and sobbed, “Please! If anyone has seen my little Eddie, please contact us at…b-oohh!”

She gasped as a sack dropped into her hands. She and the news reporter looked up to see a smiling Blitzo, Millie, and Moxxie through a portal up above.

“You’re welcome!” Blitzo called with a wave before the portal closed. The mother looked inside the bag and screamed. “My son! He’s dead! Noooo!”

Chapter Text

Part One: Mrs. Mayberry

Once upon a time, there was an innocent lovely blonde teacher named Mrs. Mayberry.

She taught at a red schoolhouse with a little golden bell at the top of it. “Learning is fun,” was written in bright yellow letters on the side of the building with art of colorful kites and a rainbow painted on the wall. A sign at the front read “Puppies Junior School” in the sunlight. There were tall green trees and a playground off to the side. The golden old-fashioned bell rang for the start of the day. A blue jay and a cardinal sang from a tree branch as the teacher opened the white curtains.

The Vivziepop lookalike woman wrote “Good morning!” in white chalk on the green blackboard.

“Good morning!” She twirled in a dance, catching her piece of chalk. She wore a white shirt with colorful red cherries on it and a long blue-gray skirt. A green pendant rested on her shirt. She wore cherry earrings and round yellow glasses. Her blonde hair was tied back in a flower-like shape behind her. “Have a bright and sunny day” was written on a poster with a large smiling sun with big eyes on it. Nearby was a calendar and an old boxy computer on a desk. A white daisy was in a flower pot. “The word of the day is harmony,” was written on a schedule posted on a board behind the children sitting at desks. The orange curtains by the windows had white math symbols on it. The schedule read “math, history, reading, grammar, science, art and music” as the many school subjects for the days of the week.

“I hope you all did your homework!” she trilled.

The children nodded with a dance to their bodies. One boy wearing an orange shirt spun around in a stool wearing a dunce cap and he faced the wall. The class broke out randomly into song.

“We love to do our homework and we love our teacher too!”

The teacher sang, “And when I throw out these fun questions, you should know just what to do.”

“Okay!” they cheered, arms in the air.

She wrote on the board 2 + 6 = 8 and added,

“Two plus six is…”

“Eight!” the class answered.

“And good behavior’s…”

“Great!” they chimed in.

“And now it’s that part of the class when we say the time of day and date.”

“It’s nine in the morning,” sang a blonde boy.

“On January 8th…” added a black girl.

“The sun is out smiling,” said a brown haired girl with a bow.

“And it’s your husband’s birthday!” reminded the dunce boy with his tongue out.

As the class sang “la la la,” the teacher found herself scrapping her chalk down in a line on the board. Sweat coated her forehead as the chalk was almost completely broken down. The singing was a constant drone in her head. Her right eye twitched and she turned around.

“Oh my stars, stop singing children! Hush up now!”

The class fell silent.

She put a hand to her forehead. “I forgot it’s my husband’s birthday! I didn’t get him anything special.”

The brown haired girl stood up and said, “Maybe if we call him, we could do a happy birthday surprise!”

The teacher and kids gathered around the boxy computer. At the husband’s house, a lone sock fell on the call screen that read “wifey” on it.

The screen turned on, and everyone gasped in disbelief.

The teacher’s husband was in the process of having sex with another lady!

A tie, a bra and a condom flew against the screen as they straddled naked in their bed.

“We won’t be needing this,” a voice said as the condom hit the screen with Mrs. Mayberry’s face on the other side.

The teacher sat at her desk, looking stunned, her face turning red. The other woman was so young and beautiful. There was her husband, clad naked and showing off his muscles and parts to the other lady.

“Oh yeah,” the husband giggled, “Not there, not there.” They seemed to be also playing with squeaky sex toys.

With a blank shadowed look on her face, the teacher suddenly stood up and walked away. If she wasn’t going to be able to divorce that cheating bastard…

“Wait! Mrs. Mayberry!” called the brown haired girl. She took hold of the teacher’s hand. “Remember what you taught us…think before you act.”

Dark thoughts suddenly festered within the woman and she gripped the girl’s neck before tossing her up in the air through the roof. She stomped out of the room and shut the door. The children ran to the window to watch as she got in her old green car and plowed through a white picket fence. “I love school” was on her license plate. The children rushed to the computer.

The door to the bedroom was quickly pulled open.

“Oh shit, sweetie!” said her husband, caught in the act of fucking the young lady on their master bed. “What are you doing here?”

“Shut up, Jarold!” A newfound rage flared in her eyes. A deadly looking riffle was in her hands. She fired several shots.

The blonde lady shrieked as Mrs. Mayberry moved closer.

“You scream like a bitch!” the teacher mentioned to the blonde haired lady.

With a demonic yell, she brutally shot the younger woman across multiple areas of her body. Thick blood splattered everywhere.

Her husband gasped. “Oh god, what have you done?! She had a family!”

“We could’ve had a family!” the teacher sobbed, in a flood of despair and rage. She picked up a bullet and shot her husband square in the head. He collapsed to the floor, dead.

“Oh god, what have I done?” she asked, frazzled, whipping away the blood from the screen. She saw her children stare in horror and disgust. “In front you all.” She broke down into tears, seeing her dead husband in a pool of blood. She spoke her last words through sobs. “I’m so sorry my children. Don’t forget to work on your timestamps.”

Mrs. Mayberry knew there was nothing left for her but jail time and grief. There was only one other option. With shaking hands, she shot herself in the chest with a yelp. The children fainted on the floor one by one at the traumatizing sight. The policeman took the wailing blonde lady to the hospital…and found Mrs. Mayberry’s body lying next to her husband’s on the blood-stained floor.

The blonde lady Martha stared lovingly with a brown uncovered eye at her new muscular husband Ralphie wearing an orange plaid shirt. He had brown hair and an athlete/superhero build. Their two children stood by her bedside as she recovered. The room had bouquets of colorful flowers in every corner. Camera flashed as news reporters talked to her.

“How does it feel to have survived such a crazy bitch?” a newswoman asked.

“I just hope that sick woman finally found peace,” Martha drawled in her hospital bed.

Her husband comforted her, head lowered.

“You are so brave,” the reporter commended to Martha. “Here’s $2 million dollars!”

The woman’s face lit up as she was handed a large golden check. “Oh thank you!” She smiled at the cameras with her husband like she was a movie star.

The stereotypical America family lived in a house near the woods and by a lake. Martha dressed like a housewife with a long polka dot skirt. Her daughter had brown pigtails, a lavender shirt with a tie, and a red skirt with boots. The younger boy had a beaver-skin cap, a white shirt, brown pants and camouflage boots. On the outside, they were the perfect typical family.

“You’re a hero,” said more news people as she stood elegantly at a VNN (Vivienne News Network) podium.

“You’re a hero, girl,” admired a brown skinned jogger with short blonde passing Martha by. Martha basked in the attention and wealth she received. Who knew that getting shot at would change her life for the better.

“My mama’s a hero!” declared the son.

“She is a hero!” The brown haired casher agreed down to him with a wide grin as the family went grocery shopping.

“Ooooh…You’re a hero!” moaned Martha’s husband as he thrust his penis wildly in and out of her as they made love in their bedroom. Their walls were covered with pelvises and newspaper clippings of Martha under “local hero” headings.

“You’re a hero,” smiled an old praying priest who stood by her at one church meeting.

Even worse for Mayberry, a new class of children cheered, “You’re a hero!” to Martha when she taught a “How to deal with trauma 101 class.”

“Oh you’re a hero!” another man groaned in the bedroom as he wildly gave her anal.

0 0 0

Mrs. Mayberry woke up staring at a crimson red sky. Her form had completely changed… Mrs. Mayberry was now a purple demon with stripped curved horns on her head, and wearing rectangular glasses. She wore a pale red shirt with x stitches on it, along with an eye where her pendant was. Her hair was long and white and pulled back with a black bandana. She wore a dark skirt with an upside down cross on it and heels. She also had sharp yellow teeth.

After finding a place to live and shying out of sight from shady strangers, Mrs. Mayberry had the chance to continue her career where she left off. So she did. It took some learning and adaptation to Hell’s culture but fortunately it was pretty simple.

Mrs. Mayberry was soon hired at “Pentagram Penitentiary Place,” one of the top public schools in the Pride Ring district. It was a large school for grades K-12. The name of the school was in black letters surrounded by a red downward facing pentagram over the black front doors. “All grades in one place!” read the slogan. The building was of red-orange brick with three rows of low cracked windows facing the front. The outdoor playground consisted of rusted basketball hoops, a jungle gym, dark asphalt and a swing set that made squeaky sounds every time it was used. The slide was high up and made of metal, so that it was always painfully hot for the young demon children to slide down. A barbed wire fence with swirls of wire at the top surrounded the prison-like school.

A bunch of middle schoolers were bouncing a demon skull around and tossing it into the basketball hoops. Little preschooler demons rough-housed on the grass-less ground, laughing. One small green dragon kept making burping sounds, emitting orange sparks much to the delight of his peers.  A dinosaur used his tail for a black eyed doll girl to use as a jump rope. There was even a little scary-go round that furry bird-like kids went on to test their flying…and they’d often spin out of control in the air. One white bird crashed against the fence and slid down with a flop.

“Loser!” taunted a bulky blue cyclops kid wearing a baseball cap. He spat on the bird’s upside-down head and laughed with his goons. An older demon with a rhino’s horn was spray-painting teal blue penises on the walls.

“Watch your back!” the rhino called out in mockery to a centaur who fired an arrow from a bow, startled. The green lizard demon tied to the target glanced down at the arrow that had almost gotten him in the crotch. He sighed with relief, only to have an ax lodged into his head, thrown by an orange goat bipedal teenager.

Nearby were two purple demons with silvery snake hair sitting on a concrete window ledge, wearing blouses, sequined navy skirts and shoes. They were listening to music from their Eye-Pods. One of them was painting her nails and the other took a drag from an e-cigarette. Every kid had a number temporarily tattooed on their necks. An E, an M and an H were before the numbers, for elementary, middle and high school. K or a P next to the E stood for kindergarten and preschool.

A loud buzzer rang at the top of the roof, signaling class starting. The children were lined up in front of their respective teachers. Mrs. Mayberry stood in front of her line of preschool demons.

After singing a song about a demonic turtle drowning in a bathtub with the class, she counted each child as they made their way to homeroom. They all filled in and sat at their wooden desks. The demonic alphabet was listed on a nearby poster with translations into English and other languages.

“Good morning!” Mrs. Mayberry trilled in the windowless classroom, scrapping her chalk against the blackboard before catching it with a twirl. “I hope you all did your homework!”

The kids fearfully nodded.

“Hmm, I don’t think you did, EP-04,” she scolded a demon boy wearing an orange shirt with no paper in front of him. “Go sit in time-out.”

The boy groaned and sat on a stool facing the wall. The white dunce cap burned on his head.

“The pledge of allegiance,” Mrs. Mayberry led. The class stood up with their hands on their hearts.

“I pledge allegiance and my soul to the banner

Of His Majesty Lucifer and Her Majesty Lilith

And to the unholy Inferno

For Pentagram City

One nation under Satan

Indivisible

With liberty and chaos for all!”

They sat back down.

“Now let’s sing,” Mrs. Mayberry ordered.

The demonic class broke out into song:

“We love to do our homework and learn stuff every day.”

“And when I throw in these hard questions, you should know just what to say,” Mrs. Mayberry sang.

“Okay!” they cheered.

She wrote an equation on the board. “Divide this number by…”

“Zero!”

“Our favorite paint is…”

“Bloody red!”

“And when there’s a stranger danger…”

“You stab them in the head!” they answered, making stabbing motions with their arms.

“A poison for a deep sleep?” she asked.

“Wormwood! Does no good!”

“The geological components of Hell?”

“Fire and brimstone!” added a girl.

“If you can’t use love…”

“Use hate!”

“Now it’s time for us to say the day and date.”

“Your death day was on January 8th, right?” piped up a boy in the back.

Mrs. Mayberry stopped short. “Hush up! We don’t mention that date.” She turned to the class. “Go on.”

“It’s 3 in the afternoon…” said a boy.

“On October 31st,” said a green girl.

“Hell’s heat is still hot,” said another girl, sweating.

“Let’s watch the episode first!” reminded the dunce boy.

The demons went “la la la” as Mrs. Mayberry stared at the board, red eyes wide.

“Oh my suns! Stop singing children. Shut up!”

The demons fell silent.

“I forgot it’s the new episode! I’m supposed to be off to pursue my revenge!”

“Maybe you could scare your enemies at a death-day party!” a girl suggested with her hands up in the air.

Mrs. Mayberry looked at her hell-phone and saw the last seconds of an I.M.P. commercial. She stood up to walk away.

“Wait! Mrs. Mayberry,” said a girl, taking hold of her hand. “Remember what you taught us. Act before you think.”

Mrs. Mayberry pat her head. “I think not. Work on your timestamps and assignments, children. I’m off to pursue a little education of my own.”

A horn-covered sub man walked in and bellowed, “200 pushups on the double! Or it’s back to your cells!”

The demon children got up from their seats and bent down to do the pushups.

Mrs. Mayberry called a taxi outside and it drove her off.

Up on a screen outside her window, Mrs. Mayberry saw a full commercial where she learned of an assassination company called I.M.P.

“Hi there, I’m Blitzo, the “o” is silent and I’m the funder of I.M.P.! Are you a piece of shit that got sent to Hell? Or are you an innocent soul who just so happened to get fucked over by someone else?”

The next shot showed a bulky red demon with horns, wearing a white Ohio shirt/jersey. A sign read, “Some guy who hired us!” The demon spoke:

“After lovingly killing my wife for fucking a delivery man, you could imagine my surprise when I wound down here, after the State of Ohio killed me.” He rammed his meaty fists. “I really wish I could stick it to that yappy jogger who saw me hiding the body!”

“Guess I’m not the only one who murdered my spouse,” she thought.

Blitzo appeared again. “Well luckily for you, thanks to our company’s special access to the living world…we promise to take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who may have screwed you over when you were alive!”

The sounds of the imp jingle motivated Mrs. Mayberry as the taxi pulled to a stop in front of the I.M.P. building. She got out, climbed up the stairs and knocked on the office door. It opened and out popped Blitzo.

“Is this I.M.P.?” she asked.

“Yes,” Blitzo said.

“I figured, since I saw the commercial. I have one bad bitch that needs to be killed. And I’ve got a lot to say.”

“Well, come on in then,” he said with a grin and a low voice.

Mrs. Mayberry paced Blitzo’s office at I.M.P. headquarters as she told her story. Blitzo listened half-heartedly, lounging on his leather office chair.

“I was a good person before it all went down,” she narrated, pacing to and fro. “I was good my entire life.”

She continued on, adding details about her personal life. She held a cigarette in her hand. Apparently, it was easy to get into unhealthy habits in Hell.

“You do everything right in life, play by the rules, and still get sent down here with all the Hitlers and Epsteins of the world. After one measly massacre propelled by blind rage. So that’s why I’m here. To get my revenge.”

“I mean was she hotter?” Blitzo remarked with a smirk.

The demon’s eyes flared red in anger, her face partially in shadow by the drawn blinds. A lemon tree was in the background with a sign that read “no whores” beside it.

“I’m just saying I had a hard time understanding the unprompted melodrama you just spat at me, tits,” Blitzo chuckled.

Mayberry growled and her body briefly glowed red. Her cigarette bent in her hand.

Blitzo rolled his eyes. “Anyway I don’t think you quite understand how we’re operating down here.” He stood up and Mrs. Mayberry glared at him. “You see we take revenge on the living and it sounds like the core cast of your sitcom of a death frankly are all probably down here in Hell with you. Boop.”

He bonked her on the nose.

Mayberry’s pointed tail twitched, her purple claws clenched. Her skirt was torn with holes and her feet were cloven hooves. This imp guy was worse than the demonic children she taught.

Mayberry extended her left claws. “Not all of them. That whore survived. Now they all call her a hero.”

She continued. “Between the talk shows and bullshit donations she made so much goddamn cash. Getting shot was the best thing to happen to her!”

Mayberry bashed her fists into the ground, creating cracks. “She’s not a hero!” Mayberry yelled, getting in close to Blitzo’s face.

“Yeah, okay, yeah, my thoughts exactly,” Blitzo stuttered in a rapid nervous voice. He frantically pressed a red button under the desk multiple times. The red light flashed under the “Deranged Client” label on a dashboard. The other labels read, “More Coffee,” “Soiled My Pants,” “Horny Client,” “Client Giving Birth,” “Ghost,” and “Stolas.”

Blitzo later burst through the door, followed by Mrs. Mayberry. “Guys, I’d like you to meet, our newest client!”

The room suddenly burst into flames…Blitzo was furious. He quickly led Mrs. Mayberry outside where she hopped into a taxi to wait back home.

“Bye and don’t worry,” called Blitzo to her, “We’ll get that skank in less than 24 hours or your first kill is free!”

She could only hope that crazy imp and his team could do their job.

As it turned out, Mrs. Mayberry later found out that not only had I.M.P. killed Martha, they also killed her crazy Satanic family. Mrs. Mayberry was very impressed. She held a piece of cake and laughed with the I.M.P. members for a special celebration. Millie talked about how it was okay to kill someone if they tried to kill you back.

“That’s messed up,” mentioned Mrs. Mayberry. Then she smiled. “But I paid for it!”

Everyone laughed again. Mrs. Mayberry felt good among her new allies. She had embraced her past at last.

After the celebration, she got back into the taxi but instead of heading home, she headed further into town.

There was a red Ohio demon for her to thank.

0 0 0

Part Two: The Imps’ Adventure

In another office room during the time of Blitzo and Martha’s meeting, Moxxie was holding a black and red crossbow in his hands. In front of him was a picture of a smiling family: a father, a mother, a baby and two children. His arms were shaking as the reflector hovered around the man’s crotch area.

“Moxxie, stop shaking!” Millie chided. “You’re gonna shoot our only hellhound!”

Loona lay on her back on a gray couch. The family picture was in one hand and her phone was in the other. On the wall were drawings of Blitzo as a horse and a drawing of Robo Fizz with an arrow sticking out from it.

Loona spoke in a sarcastic tone, not looking at them, “Wow. I feel so loved here.”

“Just take a deep breath,” Millie told Moxxie, inhaling, “and let it out.”

“But, it’s a family,” Moxxie argued. “Under what circumstances would we ever need to kill a human family?”

“I mean if that’s what the client wants,” Millie began with a shrug.

“Maybe like a shitty dad,” Moxxie suggested. “Or a mob family.” He spoke through his teeth, “That’s understandable. He then spoke normally, pushing aside bad memories of his horrible murder family. “But to eradicate an entire innocent, seemingly innocent, upper middle class family bloodline?”

Loona stood up and stared at the picture for a moment before pointing to Moxxie.

“Hey! You don’t know they’re innocent.”

She pointed to the boy. “This kid probably sets dogs on fire.”

She pointed to the girl. “Maybe this girl gets off to bullying Australian kids online.”

She pointed to the father. “And this guy…” She narrowed her eyes and spoke lower. “This guy definitely watches.”

“Exactly!” Millie agreed. “Humans are full of secret nasties. It’s why so many of them end up down here. But guilty and innocent ain’t our business, Mox.” She cupped his cheeks with her hands. “Killing who we’re paid to is our business. Choose a target.”

She kissed him before stepping aside. Moxxie positioned his crossbow again.

“I just think it’s a bit excessive and we could be a bit more selective, is all.”

Just then, Blitzo barged into the room, followed by Mrs. Mayberry.

“Guys! I want you to meet…”

Startled, Moxxie fired the arrow and it ricocheted around the room. Millie jumped into Moxxie’s arms as the arrow hit a computer. It then flew and poked a hole in the family picture that a startled Loona held. The arrow made impact with the bottom of an eel tank, causing it to wobble dangerously. The arrow speed toward Mrs. Mayberry but Blitzo calmly caught it in one hand.

“…our newest client!”

The eel tank suddenly fell down, glass and water pouring onto the floor. The eels burst with electricity, casing the room to erupt in flames. Loona, Moxxie and Millie cowered in fear.

“Dammit, Moxxie! I just bought those eels!” Blitzo yelled in anger.

Soon, imp firefighters rushed to the scene to put out the flames as the group waited outside. The firefighters also carried the eels away to their red fire truck. Although imps were immune to fire, the buildings were not.

Mrs. Mayberry climbed into a taxi cab.

“Bye,” Blitzo waved, “and don’t worry, we’ll get that skank in less than twenty four hours or your first kill is free!” He waved as the taxi drove away.

“When did we start implementing that deal?” Moxxie asked.

Blitzo turned to glare at him. He pulled him close, holding his face.

“When you set fire to my office in front of a…” Blitzo screamed, “client, you fucking dipshit!" He shoved Moxxie out of the way in anger. “Now someone please tell me that fancy book is still intact!”

Loona stood against the wall, typing on her phone. “You mean our only ticket to the other side?” She pulled out a blue book from behind her. “Yeah, got it.”

Blitzo came over to her and started to baby talk to her. “And that’s why you’re my favorite, Loony. You get a treat now.”

He held up a dog treat in his hands, tossed it in the air and caught it with his long tongue.

“Ew, stop it,” Loona said with disgust. Blitzo pulled the biscuit into his mouth and chewed.

“You’re so gross!” she remarked.

A nearby billboard with Blitzo’s face on it read with misspellings: “Goat an asshole in the living worlds!? Come to I Am Pee!!??! Make sure you put this sign up on the rite side. Don’t fuck this up. Also payment may take a couple of weeks because it cums in the mail. –Speech to text- -Blitzo”

Millie drew a pentagram with chalk onto the wall. The pentagram glowed red and a portal to the human world appeared.

“Aw stop it, I get enough of that from my therapist,” Blitzo told Loona before she left. He mentioned to the other imps, and moved his fist in front of him in anticipation. “Now let’s go lick some ass!” He pressed his hand into Moxxie’s face.

“The expression is “kick some ass.” Blitz,” Millie mentioned before she stepped through the portal. Blitzo let go of Moxxie’ face.

“Mine’s better,” Blitzo said before following her.

“Aw, fuck,” Moxxie sighed as he followed them through the portal.

All three imps stood in front of a small red house by the lake as the sun set. Blitzo and Moxxie leaned against the side of the house, rising from the bushes. Blitzo stood up and peered into a window. A row of white flowers were on a planter on the ledge.

“That’s gotta be her,” Blitzo whispered. He then chuckled darkly. “This is too easy.” He looked over at Moxxie. “Moxxie, do you want this one?”

Moxxie looked stunned and smiled nervously. “Me?”

“Yeah, this one’s simple enough for you to handle. It’s just a happy mother who just got out of the hospital.”

Moxxie stood up and looked through the window. His face fell as he looked at the happy family enjoying dinner. A pig’s head was at the center of the table. The house was decorated with axes and guns on the walls. A lamp stand seemed to be made out of a spinal column. Ralphie and Martha affectionately rubbed each other’s noses, Martha holding a dinner platter in her hand. Moxxie hesitated; there was no way he could kill any one of them.

“You snooze you lose, Mox!” Blitzo called out.

He got out his gun, which was black with flames painted on it. The reflector was an upside down cross and it hovered over Martha’s face. She smiled with large doe eyes and blinked innocently.

“And I’ve got you, bitch,” Blitzo murmured.

“Wait, are we actually killing a family?!” Moxxie asked in disbelief.

“No, don’t be a puss, we’re just killing a mother,” Blitzo remarked. “We’re running a family.” He grinned and clicked his rifle, positioning it.

“But…” Moxxie began. “Hold on, hold on, let’s just think about it…”

Moxxie lifted up the rifle just before Blitzo fired. The bullet hit a glass mirror in the house, causing the family members to gasp in fear.

“What was that, Ralphie?” Martha asked her husband, who sat at the table.

Ralphie shook his head. “I don’t know Martha, but whatever it is…”

He stood up with a sharp-toothed grin, holding a rifle in his hands.

“They’re gonna be tomorrow night’s dinner!”

Martha set the platter down on the table, downed a glass of wine and smashed the glass on the floor.

“Alright, kids! Gun’s out!” she called with an evil grin. The kids, too, grinned evilly as they pulled out smaller guns. The boy pulled out his from his brown beaver-skin hat.

“Looks like we’ve got some rabbits to catch, youngins!” Ralphie said with an evil chuckle.

Back outside, Blitzo was fuming. “What the fuck was that, Moxxie?”

Moxxie breathed anxiously before letting out a croak, his snake-like tongue flickering. He fell to his knees, hands over his face.

“I’m sorry. They just seemed so wholesome and happy.” Tears fell from his eyes. “I panicked.”

Blitzo face-palmed. “Oh who the fuck is innocent, Moxxie? From the moment of birth, you’re already a parasite leeching off your momma’s tits.”

He grabbed his chest in an imitation of holding breasts. He leaned in and poked Moxxie painfully on the head. “Now get the fuck over yourself you baby dick prick!”

A bullet fired through the wall and shot Blitzo in the arm. He cried out as black blood splattered.

“A new hole!” Blitzo cried in terror. “Scatter!”

Blitzo and Millie leapt into the air just as another gunshot created a larger hole in the wall. A grinning Martha and Ralphie leapt through the hole and chased after them, guns drawn. Moxxie peered out from behind the bush, rapidly looking around. A child’s hand grabbed Moxxie’s pointed tail and he yelped. He only saw a barrage of fists from the children before passing out.

Millie flipped backwards along a cobblestone trail before diving into the lake.

“Where’d you go, little critter?!” Ralphie called, firing another bullet. He stepped onto the wooden dock. “Y’all can’t hide long from me!”

Millie had her head above the water under the dock, a knife in her mouth. She broke through the dock with a crash before landing with a grin, knife at the ready. Ralphie swing a beer bottle at her, but she moved behind him out of the way. Millie jumped up in the air, knife in both hands. Ralphie swung the bottle upwards, hitting her in the head. The glass shattered and she fell to the ground with a loud yelp. Millie struggled weakly to stand, but collapsed onto the dock, eye twitching. Ralphie grinned down at her as the sky spiraled red. He picked her up and headed deep into the woods.

Moxxie opened his eyes and gasped with a squeak to find his hands and body tied with rope. He appeared to be tied to a stitched up headless dead body sitting on a chair. Moxxie’s face fell in fear as he stared at the boy and girl in front of him. Both their eyes were red and devious grins formed on their faces.

Moxxie tried to defuse the fear. “Oh. Hello there little ones. Aren’t you cute?”

The children spoke in low distorted voices at the same time:

“It’s nice to have a new critter to play with!”

Moxxie glanced up in terror at a red spotlight above him. The light revealed a human head high up and several limbs on plaques. The wooden walls were stained with red blood. Two plaques held stitched up faces of skin. A larger plaque displayed a dead man with long white hair, arms crossed, eyes and teeth bulging out. His upper chest was connected to the plaque. A picture frame made of bones displayed another face made of skin inside it. Human skin was tacked to the wall with “bless this mess” stitched onto it. Moxxie looked and saw a dead human body on a platter, an apple in its mouth. Organs were displayed in a nearby bowl.

Moxxie took one look at the dead body and whimpered. “Aw. Crumbs.”

Meanwhile, Blitzo was running for his life in the woods. Four gunshots rang out as Blitzo darted through a bush, leaves falling to the ground. Martha’s evil echoing laughter quickened his pace. The imp slide down a grass hill, landing on his feet. He crouched under the bushes, looking around. He panted, catching his breath.

“I know you’re hurtin’, little devil,” drawled Martha in a sing-song voice.

Blitzo darted behind a tree, taking in deep silent breaths. His back was pressed against the bark. He covered his mouth, not daring to move.

“I promise that I can make that pain go real quick.”

Martha walked through the woods, not too far away, in shadow. “Just come let Mama Martha put a bullet in that pretty little skull!”

Blitzo sighed in relief after hearing the footsteps fade.

Ring! Ring! Ahh!

A startled Blitzo scrambled to retrieve his yellow cell-phone, which was ringing a yelling ringtone. He eventually caught the phone before pressing it to his ear. The phone had a GFY (Go Fuck Yourself) on it and a laughing devil emoji with imp horns.

“This is a really bad time,” Blitzo whispered harshly.

At Stolas’ palace, the owl prince was currently lounging in an ornate bathtub, several lit candles with blue flames positioned around the edges. Astrological symbols glowed white in a circle on the floor. The midnight blue curtains looked like the night sky, with starry designs on them. Floating constellations hovered around the room. He was the prince of astronomy as well as being horny.

“When isn’t it a bad time, Blitzy?” he mused, stretching his long slender arm. He held a rotary phone to his ear, the speakers shaped like sunflowers.

Blitzo sighed in frustration. “What is it?”

Stolas’ four red eyes blinked. “I’ve been meaning to follow up on our last conversation regarding my grimoire?”

Blitzo’s angry face appeared in a bubble.

“What did you just call me?” Blitzo asked. Stolas popped the bubble with a finger. “My book, Blitzy. The book I was given to do my job that I have allowed you to use to do yours?”

Blitzo ducked as a bullet flew through the tree he was behind. Martha’s shadowy figure appeared in the hole, her eyes and mouth glowing red.

“I can hear ya, darling!” she called out.

“Shit,” Blitzo muttered, scurrying off.

“Anywho,” Stolas continued. “I have been thinking. You know, I have been permitting you to access the mortal realm less than legally for quite some time now, but I do need it back to fulfil my duties. I was thinking, what if we worked out some sort of exchange?”

He ran a finger along the edge of the tub. He then did a walking motion with his fingers as they glowed red.

“Favors for favors? Doesn’t that sound…” He spoke seductively, “…enticing?”

Blitzo skidded to a stop as another bullet hit a tree. He ducked behind another one and frantically whispered, “You gotta stop using your fancy-ass rich people talk, okay? I’m trying to concentrate on not getting fucked in my hay!”

Bam!

Another bullet hit a spot on the tree.

“Then let me keep it simple,” Stolas explained. “Once a month, on the full moon, you return the book to me, followed by a night of…”

His eyes glowed red, his beak open in lust…

“…passionate fornication.” He briefly slid lower in the tub with a blush before rising up to lean against the tub.

“And…you get to keep it the rest of the time. Sound fair my little imp?”

“Fine, whatever!” Blitzo replied.

Stolas let out a happy sigh. “Oh Blitzy! I’m so excited! I cannot wait to fill your slimy cock inside of my mouth…”

Blitzo cringed as Stolas went on about the sexual things he planned to do to him.

Out of nowhere, Blitzo found himself being pinned against the tree by the bottom handle of Martha’s gun.

“Gotcha!” she grinned. Blitzo’s phone was on the ground, Stolas still talking.

“So, you’re a little devil, huh?” she asked, a wide grin. “Come to drag me and my kin to Hell? Well not today, Satan!”

She pressed the gun further into Blitzo. “Gonna send y’all back where ya came from!”

She hit Blitzo hard and he slumped to the ground. She took him and headed off into the woods.

Back at the house, Moxxie struggled to free his tied up hands and body. In the reflection of the window, he could see the orange yellow lights of fires. He gasped.

“Millie!”

The two kids stared deviously at him. He froze when the girl revealed a long sharp knife in her hands. Moxxie glared, determined. As the girl raised the knife, Moxxie shoved her backwards with the chair. There was a thud as the chair toppled over onto the floor. Moxxie grabbed the knife and cut the rope loose, freeing himself. A “Live, Laugh, Love” sign and a hangman’s noose hung from the wall. Moxxie burst through the round window, a shadow silhouette with glowing yellow eyes. Wasting no time, he raced into the woods and toward rows of torches. Hanging from the trees were intricate red Satanic symbols made of wood. There were also tents around the area.

A full moon appeared in the sky from behind thin clouds. Down below, Blitzo and Millie were tied to a stake decorated with black spikes at the top. Ralphie laughed as he poured gasoline onto the ground by their feet. Martha stood nearby, holding a torch in her left hand. Her blouse was torn and low cut, with polka dots on them. Her demonic eyes were red and she wore skull earrings.

Blitzo groaned in frustration. “I had that fucking shot. God dammit, Moxxie.”

“Satan!” Martha declared. “We return your filthy creatures back to the pits of Hell!” She raised her torch. “May the root of evil remain honored as we continue thy work!”

Martha tossed the torch underneath Blitzo and Moxxie, who still struggled to free themselves. Ralphie laughed again. The stake soon lit up in flames…

…leaving the imps unscathed.

“Yeah sorry, that’s not exactly how it works, lady,” Blitzo explained. “You see, your fire doesn’t really hurt us, but I mean I could fake it if that’ll get your dick hard.” He smirked and Millie giggled.

“Oh. Shit.” Martha stared confused and rolled her eyes. “I don’t have one.”

Then she got a better idea and grinned. “Well, I’ll just shoot you in your smart-ass mouth!” She held her rifle in her hands.

“That would be more effective,” Blitzo mentioned.

“Blitz!” Millie spat.

Martha laughed manically again as she raised the rifle, two barrels pointing at the imps. The imps closed their eyes and braced for death.

A loud bang and a yelp was heard. Martha’s eyeball flew from her socket and she collapsed dead to the ground.

“Moxxie!” Millie cried in relief, seeing Moxxie hold a gun in his hands. Moxxie raced over and untied Millie and Blitzo.

“You’re not getting your goddam paycheck for this one, Mox!” Blitzo mentioned before he fell down. Moxxie and Millie embraced each other with small smiles. They slowly moved their heads against each other in affection. Ralphie tripped over Martha’s body before fleeing the scene.

“Oh yeah, thanks! I’m fine!” Blitzo spoke out in angry sarcasm.

Moxxie helped his boss up, supporting him.

“I’m sorry, sir. I compromised our objective and put us in harm’s way. It won’t happen again. I promise.”

Blitzo pulled Moxxie into a hug. “Apology accepted.” Then he spoke to Moxxie in a low threatening voice. “But if you ever pull off a stunt like this again, I’ll fuck you and your wife.”

Just as fast, Blitzo separated from Moxxie and announced, “Alrighty! Job well done! Now let’s get off.” Millie lifted her arms in a cheer. From his chest, Blitzo pulled out a gray horse figure with a black mane like a My Little Pony toy. He put it back and retrieved his hell phone.

“Eh. Yeah give me a moment. I need to get something I left at the house,” Moxxie said.

“Okay, fine but hurry up,” Blitzo said. He put his hell phone to his ear and spoke loudly, “Loona! We’re ready to come home, dear!”

Moxxie raced through the woods, determined to set things right. In the background, Stolas was talking to Blitzo, mentioning, “You and I on…peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all night.”

Back inside the house, the boy and girl were in their father’s arms in a corner.

“Don’t move!” Moxxie demanded, pointing his rifle at them. The boy and girl looked scared and innocent. The girl even had a dark gray stitched up teddy bear with her.

Ralphie chucked before glowering at the imp. “What are you gonna do, little guy? Kill us?”

“I should!” Moxxie replied, stepping back. “You people are monsters!” Then he lowered the rifle. “But… you should have a chance at a life and a purpose. Look at your children. They have their whole future ahead of them! You are going to face your crimes, justly.”

He picked up a remote from a stand. “I am calling your earthly authorities and they will make sure you are dealt with, fairly. I am handing this, my way.”

He pressed a button and a television turned on in the adjacent room. A black and white program played. Moxxie gasped in surprise, then looked down at the remote.

“Oh shit,” he muttered. The black remote had pink and white buttons reminiscent of a smiling goofy face.

“Uh do you…do you have a phone to summon 911?”

“Yeah, it’s in the kitchen,” Ralphie mentioned behind him.

Moxxie held the remote. “Then what’s this for?”

“It’s a universal remote,” Ralphie replied. “Got it for the kids.” The kids smiled and he pulled them in a hug.

“Aww,” Moxxie smiled, eyes shining.

Moxxie called the police and hurried back to the portal in the dark woods.

“There he is,” Blitzo said. “Have a good wank-off session, Moxxie?”

“Excuse me?”

Blitzo walked over to him. “Well I don’t care where you cum in the living world, just come to your job on time, alright?” He poked Moxxie several times for emphasis. “See you at the office!” He ran through the portal.

Millie placed a hand on Moxxie’s cheek. “You doing okay, sweetie?”

“Better now, honey,” Moxxie replied with a smile. “I think I just needed a minute to process.”

Millie tenderly touched Moxxie’s chest. “You have a good heart, honey.” She playfully pinched Moxxie’s nose. “Just a fuzzy head.” She kissed him and Moxxie’s heart fluttered. He smiled happily as Millie walked through the portal.

Moxxie heard the whirl of blades and flashes of light. He turned around. There were police cars and a helicopter in front of the house.

A voice over a loudspeaker said, “We got em’ boys!”

A missile fired at the roof and the entire house exploded in a fiery inferno. Something hit Moxxie in the face. He stared at the ground and found the head of the teddy bear that had flown off. He stared with a shocked look of disbelief on his face. The family that had a chance to be better was now dead.

Blitzo grabbed Moxxie hard by the neck and pulled him through the portal.

Later on, everyone was laughing and celebrating back at I.M.P. headquarters. They were all wearing birthday party hats. Loona and Mrs. Mayberry held slices of cake on plates. A white banner read “Killed the bitch,” in red letters. A white and blue cake sat in front of Moxxie, the blue icing read “We did it! :)” Everyone seemed joyful except for Moxxie. He still felt awful that they had killed an entire family. An evil family, but still…They had come inches to being killed or being caught by the humans. Now here they were celebrating human death.

Moxxie wasn’t sure if he agreed to the “senseless killing” morals of I.M.P. anymore.

Millie squealed for joy and hugged Moxxie tight around the neck. “Did you see my little Mox, Mox? We did it! Oh Moxxie!”

“Well here’s to another mission accomplished,” Blitzo announced, “…and Moxxie finally learned not to fuck up.”

Moxxie just stared wordlessly at his plate, dark circles under his eyes.

“And killing people isn’t that big of a deal if they try to kill you back,” Millie added, rubbing Moxxie’s white head of hair.

“That’s messed up,” said Mrs. Mayberry, “But I paid for it!”

Everyone except Moxxie chuckled at that.

“Yeah, fuck that family!” Blitzo declared, raising a victorious fist.

Chapter Text

Part One: Octavia

Hundreds of years ago in Hell…Stolas’ Palace

Before Octavia Goetia was a 117 year old owl princess (Mentally turned seventeen supposedly August 15 2003), she was a cute little child owl living with her mother and father.

At night, faint blue constellations illuminated against the exterior of the estate. On the lower jutting wall structure supporting a balcony, Stolas’ sigil symbol also glowed blue in the dark. The balcony itself was spacious and decorated with hanging see-through drapes along the pillars. Spirals and a few eyes were also part of the design above the pillars. Bushes were lined up in rows on an upper row above the balcony, with little rows of coffin-shaped windows behind them in another wall. The borders of the building were decorated with difference phases of the moon in gold. Finally, the double doors on the balcony were stained glass in yellow and orange, with a sun on the left and a crescent moon on the right.

Inside the estate, three candles cast a dim teal light in the darkened master bedroom. The spacious room had a white tall couch off to the side and a rotary phone on a nearby dresser. Hanging on the wall was a mirror and several large portraits of Stolas dressed in red robes and a crown. Rows of small red banners hung around the top of the bed and four red curtains with gold royal symbols were draped tight around the bed. The bedspread matched the curtains.

“Mommy! Daddy!”

A child’s cry from another room roused the owl prince from his slumber. One of his red eyes opened halfway, another one a slit near the top of his dark feathery head. His face was white and heart-shaped. He turned his head to where his wife was sleeping. She was a white owl with long eyebrows that extended past her face. She was curled up in most of the blankets.

“Via’s calling us, Stella,” Stolas groaned sleepily.

Stella let out a sigh. “You get up,” she replied tiredly.

Stolas sighed and rose out of bed, briefly putting his fingers to his head. He opened the door to Octavia’s bedroom. The wallpaper consisted of several columns of moons and stars. Astronomy books lined a shelf while taped drawings on the wall showed stick figures of Stolas and Octavia, labeled “Daddy,” and “Me.” A nearby portrait showed a smiling Stolas giving an overjoyed Octavia a piggy back ride against a blue background.

Stolas opened the white door, wearing his red housecoat and a pair of demon face slippers.

“Via? What troubles you, my owlet?”

Octavia’s room was small, with a bookcase and strings of lights hanging around. A white and pink chest and telescope were decorated with stray feathers. Her bed was decorated with small stars and a pink crown on the white headboard, sparkling curtains on either side. A stuffed cat lay on the floor. A lavender blanket with yellow stars on it was currently quivering on the bed. A small frightened face popped out from under the covers: little Octavia. She wore pink jammies with white stars on them. Her face was white and her eyes were large and pink with white pupils. Three gray feathers stuck out from her feathery head and she also had a little tail.

The little girl sobbed and climbed out of bed.

“Daddy! Daddy!”

She ran into her father’s arms.

“I had a dream! A really bad dream!” Her mouth quivered in a whimper.

Stolas scooped her up into his arms and yawned.

“A nightmare.”

He wiped a tear away from her face.

Octavia spread out her arms. “I was looking all over the palace and…I couldn’t find you anywhere! You weren’t there!”

Tears appeared from her eyes and she hugged her father around the neck.

“There, there, Via. It’s okay. You’re okay.”

He pat her several times on the back and carried her into the room. A blue grimoire with a golden crescent moon on the cover floated into the room in a purple cloud of magic.

Stolas sat down on the bed, Octavia in his lap. The book hovered next to him and he waved his hand to turn the pages. Stolas looked at Octavia.

“When you’re sacred and you don’t know where I am, you must remember…no matter what happens to me, I will never be far away from my special little Starfire.”

He playfully poked her on the nose and she giggled.

Stolas waved his hand and magic surrounded it. He moved his hand to the ceiling and created a starry portal above their heads. Octavia looked up with wonder in her eyes. It was then that Stolas started singing his lullaby to her: “You Will Be Okay.”

“It always seems more quiet in the dark”

“It always feels so stark”

Both of them floated upward through the hole. A brilliant indigo night sky filled with stars was revealed. A small bright sun and a distant ringed planet hovered in the distance. Stolas stood on the surface of a large white moon dotted with craters of various sizes.

“How silence grows under the moon

Constellations gone so soon”

Stolas’ feet made talon bird tracks on the surface as he carried his daughter.

“I used to think that I was bold

I used to think love would be fun

Now all my stories have been told

Except for one”

Stolas looked down at Octavia’s innocent eyes as their faces shone from the pinkish light of the nearby star. Octavia was the ongoing part of his life that Stolas continued to live for, day by day. In all the centuries of his long life, no sexual conquests, no battles nor royal duties could compare with the unique experience of raising a child. In a sea of constellations, Octavia was a guiding light to a greater purpose.

The ringed planet hovered beside another planet bathed in purple-pink light. A rocky meteor caught on fire and soared toward a molten planet.

“As the stars start to align

I hope you take it as a sign

That you’ll be okay”

Stolas sat down on a small rock and held his daughter close.

“Everything will be okay.”

The meteor slowly dipped into the molten planet, turning a fiery orange. The meteor broke through the planet, causing it to break into rocky pieces. Stolas and Octavia sat on a floating chunk of rock as light burst upward from between the gaps of the planet debris.

“And if the Seven Rings collapse

Although the day could be my last

You will be okay. When I’m gone you’ll be okay…”

Octavia yawned and nestled into her father’s feathery chest with a small smile on her sleepy face. Stolas knew that even a powerful demon like himself could not live forever. Angelic weapons could kill both Hell-born and Sinners in Hell. The higher class Hell-born could respawn like the Sinners but unlike the dead previous humans, the Hell-born aged slowly and could die of natural causes like mortals.

Stolas was a part of a powerful ancient clan of demons, one of the first in Hell. The Ars Goetia brothers in arms were very numerous and powerful…desirable targets for enemies. The family living for so many centuries did not lessen the potential sadness that permanent death would bring.

Like any good parent, Stolas wanted what was best for his child; to pass down some existential knowledge for her to remember later on.

“And when creation goes to die

You can find me in the sky”

Seven planets and the moon they were on were pulled toward the pink sun, creating powerful impacts. The planets turned ashen black before everything burst into an explosion of light. Stolas’ vocalizing face was illuminated by the large pink smoke from the galactic explosion.

Tears pooled in Stolas’ eyes as the portal closed behind him, now back in the bedroom. A red and gold metallic model of a solar system hung from the back wall. Stolas lifted the starry blanket and draped it over a sleeping Octavia.

“Upon the last day

And you will be okay…”

Having finished the lullaby, Stolas walked toward the door, looking at his daughter lovingly again before closing it. Octavia slept peacefully in her bed like a happy chick in a nest.

0 0 0

Stolas’ palace, Dec 9 2020, present day

Octavia jolted awake suddenly, her pink eyes angular with constricted white pupils. Her hand rested by her face. Her eyes narrowed in anger, her fist clenched as piercing yelling from another room echoed off the walls.

Her parents were having yet another fight.

Octavia knew that her regal mother, Stella was pissed that Stolas had fucked the imp Blitzo behind her back. Octavia often worried that Stolas would go on some honeymoon with that creature and leave her behind with Stella. Stella wasn’t cruel but she was sterner than Stolas was. Octavia didn’t know which was worse, her father’s childish attitude laced with a perverted nature…or her mother’s cold critiques of Octavia’s behavior. Stella loved her but expected her to mold into the royal role she was given from birth. Stella was more concerned with tea parties, fashionable attire and her appearance than Octavia’s many thoughts.

Currently, Octavia was just a typical emo/goth teenager who had to deal with a lot of shit going on.

Octavia’s room was currently different as well. More spacious, it had a couple of slanted windows between purple drawn curtains that let in some light. A solar system mobile hung from the ceiling in the center of the room. A mirror hung on the wall along with several banners with suns and moons on them. A long couch in the style of white feathers sat off to the side, complete with comfy cushions and pillows. There was a smaller purple telescope as well. Her bed still had the sparkling starry drapes and above that, were hanging purple drapes with a small moon on it and a large pink eye at the very top. Her bedspread was midnight blue with crescent moons on them and the chest by her bed was plainer than before.

Octavia sat up in bed, with her feathers ruffled, quite literally as well as figuratively. With a grumpy look on her face, Octavia inserted earphones into her ears and held a blue phone in her hand, decorated with a yellow crescent moon. Octavia got dressed in her usual pink shirt with stars on it, black pants, shoes and a crown on her head.

A playlist of songs appeared, the majority of them were by My Chemical Romance and some were by Lilith. An icon with flames and a sad face appeared on the screen and she pressed the play icon. Pop music played in her ears as a person sang: “My World is Burning Down Around Me.”

“My world is burning down around me

My deep despair is what surrounds me, (yeah)

The dark decay

I feel so sad

It’s black and gray

I hate you, dad

You’ll never change

You’ll only lie

It’s all the same

My world is burning down around me

My deep despair is what surrounds me, (yeah)

My world is burning down around me

My deep despair is what will drown me, (yeah)

It’s not a phase

It’s not a phase

It’s not a phase

It’s not a phase

It’s not a phase

It’s not a phase

Mom, I swear, it’s not a phase

My world is burning down around me

My deep despair is what surrounds me, (yeah)

My world is burning down around me

My deep despair is what will drown me, (yeah)”

The screams grew with intensity as she got out of bed and walked down a hall lined with Venus Fly Trap plants of different colors. They were arranged in a pattern of brown, magenta and purple. One poor potted planet crashed to the floor in front of Octavia. She stepped over the mess as she continued listening.

She could hear the vehement arguments form her parents as she walked into the spacious kitchen.

There was her mother, Queen Stella in a white dress with the top part of her outfit a light pink. A crown was on her head and light gray feathers fanned from her head like long hair.

“I can’t believe you slept with an imp, in our fucking bed!” she screeched.

“It was unexpected!” Stolas replied. “I didn’t have time to go to a motel!”

Stella seethed in disgust. “A motel?! Like a fucking plebian?!” (Roman word for commoner)

Stella screamed in rage.

“You want to fuck this one too?!”

In a fury, Stella grabbed a small white dressed imp butler and violently tossed him at her husband.

Stolas flinched, holding up his hands. “No! Of course not!”

Stella pointed a condescending finger at him. “You are a god damn embarrassment! I’m not spending another moment looking at your pathetic, imp-sucking face!”

Stella stormed out of the room, tossing and breaking more of Stolas’ beloved potted plants as she yelled.

Stolas sighed in exasperation before turning to look at his sulking daughter who was sitting at a table with a box of cereal.

“Good mooorning, Octavia!” he greeted. “Did you sleep well, my owlet?”

“Was that a serious question?” she deadpanned as she drank coffee from a mug.

“Mm-hmm…” Stolas began as he walked to an old fashioned white refrigerator with the royal crest on it. He opened the door and took out a slab of zebra meat on a plate. In a corner shelf was a can of soda and a cartoon of chocolate milk. In a zip-lock bag were three white dead mice for a later snack. (They were owls after all!)

“What’s that you’re listening to?” he asked, with a snap of his fingers.

“This song is called “My World Is Burning Down Around Me.” It’s by Fuck You Dad. It’s a band.”

“Ohh…how charming…” Stolas chuckled bemusedly, hurt by what he heard. He shut the door and fed the meat to a large white potted plant in a small alcove off the kitchen as he pet it. The satisfied plant closed its three eyes. A starry calendar hung on a nearby wall.

“So…you two done screaming for the day?” Octavia asked with a sip of her coffee.

“Um…” Stolas began as Stella let out another scream of anger along with a shattering of another object.

Stolas walked over to Octavia, who had a box of Robo Fizz’s Greed Seed cereal next to her. He placed a hand on her shoulder. “You know what I haven’t done in a long, looong time? I haven’t taken you to your favorite place in all of Hell! Why don’t we go to Loo-Loo Land?” He mentioned to a portrait of Stolas, Stella and a happy child Octavia in a dress at an apple theme park.

“I’m not five anymore,” Octavia muttered.

“You always were so happy when I took you to Loo-Loo Land! What do you say we go there again, have a day, just the two of us!”

“I’d rather kill myself,” she deadpanned.

“There we go!” Stolas beamed, bypassing her comment. “Anything but staying in this house.” He lifted a finger. “Now, I’ll arrange our security.”

He picked up a white rotary phone carried on a platter by the battered imp servant.

“Security for a theme park?”

“We are rich, and we’re hot. People want our money and our bodies!”

“Our money, maybe,” Octavia said under her breath. Stolas rotated the dial a few times.

“Speak for yourself, Princess. Now, I’m calling the only man who can fuck me!”

Octavia looked with disgust, cereal falling from her hand. “What?”

“Who can protect me! Us,” Stolas said. “Being part of the Goetia family is rather valuable, you know.” The imp collapsed.

Octavia groaned and pulled her hat down over her eyes.

At the I.M.P. office, there was a picture of Blitzo wrapped in a towel with the words “#1 Bitch” on it, with the word “BOSS” in red over the letters. A paper crown rested on one corner of the picture frame.

Blitzo played with crude representations of Moxxie and Millie made of office supplies. “Millie” was made from a stick and clips while “Moxxie” was made from an eraser.

“Oh, Blitz, you’re such a good boss!” Blitzo impersonated Millie. “Yeah, I really want you sir,” he impersonated Moxxie. “Me too!” he said as Millie. “Let’s three-way!” he said as himself before lowering the office puppets to his crotch. The screaming ringtone of his cell-phone interrupted his pansexual fantasy.

“What?!” Blitzo yelled angrily into it. He lounged in his chair, legs propped up as he drank iced coffee from a bloodstained mug. A poster with SpindleHorse on hind legs with “Wild and Free,” hung from the wall.

“Why hello, my big-dicked Blitzy!” Stolas spoke lustfully.

Both Blitzo and Octavia forcefully spit out their coffee. Blitzo slammed his “Boss Bitch” mug onto his desk.

Blitzo spoke angrily, “What…”

Octavia said, “The…

Blitzo: “Fuck…”

Octavia: “Dad?!

“Language! Everyone!” Stolas shouted out loud before speaking into the phone again. “I have a special request...”

“Aw G- Look,” Blitzo mentioned, “I just had a chemical peel, so you’ll have to find someone else’s face to plant that feathered ass!” He was in no mood for another intimate session.

“It’s for my daughter.”

A session with Stolas’ daughter? “Ah, well make sure she washes it.”

“Oh! No! No, no, no!” Stolas cried taken aback. “I’m taking my daughter to Loo-Loo Land and I was hoping you brave little imps would accompany us!”

“We’re assassins, not bodyguards, ‘kay? Don’t invite us to shit unless someone’s gonna die.”

“I’ll pay you.”

“With what?”

“Money.”

“Done!” Blitzo yelled in confirmation, accidentally smashing his phone against the desk. He glanced in annoyance at the shattered pieces before producing a white megaphone with a painted monster mouth on it. He put the crown on his head.

“M and M, get in here! We’re goin’ to Loo-Loo Land!”

Moxxie opened the door to respond. “Loo-Loo Land?” he asked in concern. An excited Millie smashed her head through the glass window of the office door.

“Loo-Loo Land?!” Her eyes were shining.

“Loo-Loo Land!” Blitzo yelled excitedly through the megaphone, his long snake-like tongue flickering.

“Shut the fuck up!” Loona yelled from another room.

0 0 0

Part Two: Loo-Loo Land

Loo-Loo Land was a knockoff apple themed park located in Mammon’s Ring of Greed. The sky was green instead of red like it was in the Ring of Pride. Indeed, there were Seven Rings in this Hell ruled by Archdemons and named after the Seven Deadly Sins: Pride, Envy, Lust, Sloth, Greed, Gluttony, and Wrath. Only sinners could dwell in the Ring of Pride; it was Lucifer’s punishment since he hated mortals. Lucifer, Satan, Leviathan, Mammon, Asmodeus, Belphegor and Beelzebub were the Archdemons…but Lucifer was the Ringmaster of all of them!

A wide array of attractions spun, lit up, whirled and roared to life, some of them reaching toward the sky. There was a large Ferris wheel with a large blue star structure in the center. A star flyer swing ride spun demons on swings, while a towering red roller coaster contrasted against the blue sky. A brick tower displayed an eye with pointed ears on the top of it. A white and red stripped circus tent stood between two tall pillars with red painted caramel apples on top as part of the design. Two smiling red apples wearing straw hats were the pillars that flanked the entrance. A teal sign with blinking lights around the border read “Mammon’s Loo-Loo Land” in white, the last “o” hanging lopsidedly. A cardboard cutout of Robo Fizz had an extended hand in an arch holding a welcome sign. A sign read, “Legally he has to say this,” and another sign said “Not affiliated with Lu Lu World.” Another sign read “Money please!” by a ticket booth.

A dark gray van pulled into a parking spot and Moxxie got out. He walked with a serious expression on his face, wearing a black suit and dark sunglasses like his imp colleagues. A bold red I.M.P. decal was spray painted onto the van door. Moxxie slid open the door.

There was the hunched black silhouette of Stolas, his four red eyes glowing menacingly in the dark. He got out of the van, a happy tall owl wearing red shorts and a white Loo-Loo Land shirt. There was a brief silhouette of Octavia, her two eyes glowing violet. Octavia seethed in annoyance as she peered out through the door. Blitzo and Millie came along as well, getting up from the red seats. Stolas put on an apple hat with big eyes and excitedly mentioned for his daughter to come along. Octavia covered her face with her black hat before following.

In a black suit and sunglasses, Blitzo strolled by Stolas with a serious expression as they walked by a booth that sold apple Loo-Loo hats. By a clock with a black crown on it that read 7:30 AM, was another booth with “Balloons Attack” on it.

“Now remember, this is work and work only,” Blitzo reminded Stolas. “Me and my crew are not here to satisfy your perverted bird needs, alright?”

“Hey, dad, do we have to…” Octavia complained before Blitzo cut her off.

“Okay, yeah, hold on right there, sweetie.” He turned to Stolas, holding an accusing finger at him. “If you try fuckin’ my little ass in that park, I swear to…”

Stolas leaned down and playfully tapped and booped Blitzo on the nose. “You are so cute when you are serious!”

“I am literally going to be sick,” Octavia deadpanned.

“Oh crumbs!” exclaimed Moxxie, rummaging through his small gray bag. “I knew today would be a lot! What do you need?”

Moxxie fished around in the bag, retrieving pill bottles. “Antacids? Ibuprofen? Morphine?”

With a sharp toothed grin, Moxxie showed Octavia eight hypodermic needles with a glowing green substance in them.

“That was figurative, old man,” Octavia replied, arms crossed before walking away.

“Oh, right,” Moxxie chuckled sheepishly as he casually tossed the needles into a baby stroller by the cotton candy booth. A red baby imp wearing a bib with a pentagram on it stuck out his tongue and cooed as he reached playfully toward the deadly looking needles.

“But she said it was ‘literal,’” Moxxie muttered under his breath.

On a wall of a Plush booth were Robo Fizz posters and several taped signs that read: “Not Lu Lu World! Stop showing complaints,” “Does Lu Lu World have a sex robot? No! Stop asking!” “I would never do that to my BFF Lucifer.” “Everyone is so mean to me.”

Millie took off her sunglasses and beamed. “Wooow! I haven’t been to this place since I was a tot!”

An R on an “Apple Core Roll” sign fell off and squashed a poor teen imp below it. Moxxie flinched.

“It hasn’t changed a bit! Oh! Look! It’s Big Woobly!”

Near a gray Extermination booth with exterminator plush heads stood a blue animatronic T-Rex dinosaur wearing a shirt with a planet on it. It had yellow lopsided eyes. Three imps stood to watch it. The malformed dino suddenly opened its mouth and let out a fierce demonic shriek.

“That is…deeply upsetting,” Moxxie mentioned. Millie pulled him toward her. “Oh come on! It’s fun! You’ve never been here?”

“No,” said Moxxie. “Theme parks always disturbed me. Especially the mascots,” he shivered.

The park’s apple mascot suddenly appeared behind Moxxie. It was a large red apple with a big row of teeth with several holes in them. The top of the apple was green and a black top hat rested on top of the costume. The eyes were big, the black pupils shaped like Pacman symbols. The mascot also wore gloves.

“Well hey there!” the mascot called in a goofy southern accent.

Moxxie screamed in fright as the imps both turned around.

“I’m Loo-Loo! Welcome to Loo-Loo Land!” said the mascot, spreading out his arms. “If y’all get hurt here, just try and sue us!” The mascot stood on an apple design on the ground as the animatronic head fell onto another imp. Stolas and Octavia stood near a carousel with monstrous looking horses and a small triceratops dinosaur. Some of the horses had bat wings, painted eyes all over their sides and fiery shaped manes.

Stolas’ eyes glowed with childish excitement, while Octavia stood embarrassed. “Look! Via! It’s Loo-Loo!”

“I have a question,” Octavia stated, holding up a finger.

The mascot leaned in close to her. “Well ask away, little girlie!” The mascot bounced around, an eyeball hanging out as he made “a-hyuk, a-hyuk a-hyuk!” sounds.

“Is it true this park is just a really shameless spin-off of Lucifer’s far more popular Lu Lu World?” Octavia smirked as Stolas looked at her with a pleading frown.

The mascot paused. “No?”

Octavia narrowed her eyes and scoffed. “This place reeks of insecure corporate shame.”

Stolas chuckled in embarrassment before leading Octavia away. “Why don’t we go check out the rides?”

“That chick’s creepy, huh?” the mascot asked.

“Ah, wait till her dad tries to diddle your holes,” Blitzo deadpanned.

“What’s that mean?”

“Don’t talk to me!” Moxxie called in suspicion, poking a finger at him. “I know you’re a pervert under there!”

Moxxie and Millie left. The mascot hung his body in dejection as he sighed “Yeah.”

Moxxie and Millie headed down a pathway while a sweating Moxxie stopped to catch his breath. “You really like this place, huh?”

“I love this place!” Millie exclaimed. “My parents would bring me and my siblings here, when they could swing it, money-wise.”

An imp wearing loose clothing and a baseball cap pushed a wheelbarrow full of money into a nearby toy shop. A nearby sign on a brick wall showed a Robo Fizz doll and the words, “New! Fizzy Buddy! He laughs, he sings, he swears! Tell your parents to buy me! Over 100 lovable phrases! Posable! Only 48% asbestos.”

The two imps approached a window where apple plushies and apple shaped novelty cups with Ls on them were sold for $29.

Moxxie mentioned, “Yeah, the prices do seem rather criminal. I mean, that much for a novelty cup that you use one time?”

“’Cause it’s Loo-loo Land!” Millie said excitedly. Blitzo walked over, slurping from a straw in a novelty cup. He wore a hat with an apple on it and two can holders and straws attached to it. Loo-Loo Land brought back memories of him and his sisters doing jokes and performing at the circus.

“Listen to your hoe, Mox,” Blitzo said, mentioning behind him and bumping him with the cup. “How ‘bout I take the first watch while you two…” he winked, “have a little fun.” Stolas held up a white shirt with an apple on it to Octavia who frowned.

“Ohhhhh!” Millie cried. “We gotta do my favorite ride!” She picked Moxxie up and carried him as she ran.

“Oh yeah? Wh-Which one?”

Millie and Moxxie raced over to The Lawsuit roller coaster, the carts were red with the front displaying a green grin.

“Oh crumbs!” he cried in terror.

The ride plunged at a sheer 90 degree drop while on fire. A lone rider hung on for dear life and screamed as the ride plunged into a tunnel in the ground. The mascot posed by a height rules sign. Later on, Moxxie threw up in a trash can as an angry vomit covered imp family glared at them. Even the red three eyed dragon from the petting zoo glared at Moxxie.

Stolas happily carried a balloon in his hand while Octavia slouched on. They walked by a stand that read “Funnel Cakes: Eternal Suffering” with popcorn and a sausage on a fork. Blitzo snuck around like a secret agent with his sniper rifle. He appeared on a teal-green tent roof of an “Ice Cream Bugs” stand. Blitzo slid with his rifle and knocked over cups at a “Hot and Cold Drunks” stand. The imps glared at him as he toppled backwards onto the ground. A nearby blaster game was titled “Stop that Soul” and showed a frowning sun and cardboard angels in clouds with xs over their eyes. Another sign read “Hax Away.”

Five grinning imps with knives and weapons peered out from an alleyway at Stolas, itching to kill him and steal the prince’s money. Blitzo slid along the floor, then glared at the imps, causing them to scatter away. Blitzo aimed his sniper again, near a game where imps could knock out mechanical clown’s teeth at “Teeth Off!” There was a game where one could toss balls into skulls and a ring toss with real spikes to toss them onto.

Stolas tilted his head upside down and stroked Blitzo’s horns from above.

“You know, it’s quite thrilling to see you on the job, Blitzy.”

“Save it, bitch. I’m working.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “You both need to get a room.”

“Hey!” Blitzo called. “I am not a day-hooker!”

A nearby imp mother and her baby glared at Blitzo.

“What? I just said I’m not one, prude!” He flipped her the bird. A nearby film sign read “Pirana.”

Meanwhile, Moxxie and Millie walked along a line of booths, one read “Muppet” and one read “Knock a Bottle.” Millie suddenly beamed and pulled Moxxie toward another vendor. A smug imp wearing a yellow hat and a red shirt spotted them.

“Hello, hello!” he called. “Step right up and win a thing!”

Millie’s eyes shone as she gasped and pointed upwards. “Oh, look Moxxie! A thing!”

The “thing” was a purple stuffed animal wearing pink overalls with stripped imp horns. It had a yellow beak, an upside down cross on it and a tag with “Thing?” on it.

Moxxie looked at her with a grin. “Oh, you like that thing?”

“Yessss!” Millie exclaimed, drawing out the word. “I don’t know what that thing is, but I want that thing!”

Moxxie straightened his bow tie with a smug look. “Finally something I can handle.”

He walked up to the vendor, took out some money and handed it to the carnie. “Okay! One game, please!”

The carnie rolled his eyes and handed Moxxie a clown-like blaster with his tail. Moxxie pulled the trigger with one eye shut and the cork projectile hit the bullseye on the cardboard smiling apple’s behind. Millie clapped in the background. Moxxie made a “ricochet” noise and blew the black powder smoke clear of the gun.

The carnie just grinned. “Strike one, little man!”

Moxxie stared in disbelief. “But I hit it!”

“Hmm, I don’t know what to tell you, buddy. The target, see? It didn’t go down. So yeah, no go, bro.”

Moxxie slammed another dollar bill onto the counter, picked up the gun and fired again. He hit the bullseye but the cardboard apple stayed in place again. He slapped the pistol in annoyance. “The Heaven’s wrong with this thing?!”

The carnie smirked. “Oh man, a real shame I tell ya. Whaa, whaa!” He pretended to cry and rub his eyes.

Moxxie hissed in anger and slapped another bill on the counter. “Another!”

Again and again Moxxie tried to hit it, but the carnie rigged the game, not making the apples go down. Soon, the carnie was holding 600 souls of Moxxie’s money, the dollar bills had Robo Fizz on them. He rolled one bill up into a cigar and put it in his mouth.

“Wow! Man, you’re really starting to make this sad. You know, if you suck, you suck! Guess you won’t win your honey here a prize.”

Moxxie seethed in anger.

“Let me try!” Millie said, taking the blaster from Moxxie. She fired it and the cork flew far off between the apples. The carnie grinned mischievously, and pressed a foot pedal, making an apple target go down.

“Oh, look at that! Lucky shot, baby,” the carnie said. He wiggled the rolled up bill against Moxxie and dropped it. Millie laughed and clapped.

Moxxie yelled, “Are you kidding me?! You…you…charlatan!”

The carnie pressed his hand into Moxxie’s face. “Hey, uh get lost pipsqueak, I’m talkin’ to the lady.”

He leaned toward her and made a purring sound, causing her to flinch back in disgust.

0 0 0

Meanwhile, Stolas pulled Octavia close with a gasp, letting go of his balloon.

“Oh, look, Via! You used to cry such tears of joy at this show!”

Stolas mentioned to a large circus tent with promotional signs of Robo Fizz on either side. A mother imp tried to drag her crying child toward the tent.

“Oh no…” Octavia breathed, her white pupils constricting. A flashback of when she was a young girl came back to her. She was pushed against the stage by other cheering imp children. Robo Fizz was a robotic imp jester who posed on the stage with his arms spread out. An animatronic band was behind him. A neon sign above read “Fizzarolli and Friends,” with the “R” burnt out which made it look like “Fiends.” Robo Fizz sparked and cackled, wiggling his fingers and leering over a crying Octavia. Off to the side, a scowling Blitzo was dressed in clown makeup and attending a food cart.

Back in the present, Octavia and Blitzo muttered at the same time: “I hate that fucking clown!”

Meanwhile, Stolas happily waved as he was being held captive in the air by the gang of imps pointing weapons at him.

“Oh Blitzy! I need my bodyguard, please!” Stolas smiled unconcerned before another imp jumped up and put a purple cloth sack over the owl’s head. Another imp grinned and held Stolas’ wallet. One imp jumped, trying to skewer him with a pitchfork. Blitzo turned around and fired his rifle, shooting the imp in the torso. Black blood splattered against the cloth sack over Stolas’ head. The imps dropped him and quickly scattered away. Blitzo carried Stolas into the tent and set him down on a wooden bench before leaving. Octavia sat next to him, rolled her eyes and removed the blood-soaked cloth from Stolas’ head. The owl blinked, wondering where he was.

Two spotlights merged into one on the stage and Robo Fizz flapped open the curtains. He wore a jester outfit and his horns were covered with stripped cloth and little bells hung from the ends. A happy face and sad face pin were by his shoulders along with a string of lights as a necklace. His pants were stripped and he wore gloves. His shirt had small white broken hearts near the bottom and his eyes glowed an eerie green.

Six lit up arrow signs pointed to him and read: “Fizzarolli,” “Robot property of Mammon,” “Look at him go!” “Yes! Love 2 c it!” “Wow!” “He.”

Robo Fizz held up a sign with “Lu Lu” crossed out in red with “Loo-Loo, the better one,” on it. He also briefly held out a red and gold contract signed by Mammon: “This is a statement regarding the unfair accusations that my theme park “Loo-Loo Land” is trying to profit off my friend and ruler Lucifer’s park Lu Lu World. This is false. These allegations are baseless and untrue. You are all just dicks. Fuck right off and stop saying that, alright? They are legally distinct. I checked. Signed Mammon.”

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Implings!” he said in his showman voice. “It’s me, the Robotic Fizzarolli! Shipped from Mammon’s factory to bring you a wonderful show celebrating Loo-Loo Land (spelled with O’s to avoid lawsuits!) H-H-H-H-Hit it!”

He snapped his fingers. Rows of spotlights lit up and he began to sing. The curtains opened and Robo Fizz’s Five Nights at Freddy’s band played. An open clown mouth served as the stage backdrop. Robo Fizz rapidly pointed at a boy imp and a girl imp and made his rounds toward Stolas and Octavia. He moved back to the stage just as Blitzo aimed his sniper at him in warning. The band played on a rising structure shaped like a cake, decorated with eyes and sharp spikes.

“Loo-Loo Land, Loo-Loo Land!

Everybody sing along with the Loo-Loo band!

Every girl, every boy, every woman, every man

Loves Loo-Loo Land!”

An animatronic bear and a smaller rabbit meshed together played a red banjo with a pentagram on it. A lopsided dinosaur played a guitar decorated with flames. A green frog with large human teeth played the Robo Fizz head drums and a brown dog played the triangle. The two speakers on either side were shaped like weapons and had skulls on them. “Fizzarolli and Friends” sign glowed at the top.

“Loo-Loo Land! Loo-Loo Land!

Everything is beautiful in Loo-Loo Land!

Ugly children holdin’ hands

In Loo-Loo Land!”

Robo Fizz briefly pulled a crowd of imps into a hug before spinning around and tossing them aside. They crashed back into the stands. He hugged the animatronic dinosaur which fizzled and slapped the bear and rabbit, which squirted black ink at a nearby imp.

He poured gasoline onto a pile of “cease and desist” papers, causing them to go up in flames.

“Everybody’s friendly, and nobody is mean

No copyright infringement’s ever seen!”

In an imitation of Princess Charlie, Robo Fizz then posed on top of a piano. He stood on top, hand over his heart in the spotlight.

“I have a dream…”

The backup singer added (“He has a dream…”)

“I’m here to tell…”

(“He’s here to tell…”)

“About a magical fantastic place called Loo-Loo Land!”

He spun his body around and landed in a pose with arms and legs spread out. Octavia watched with disgust and boredom.

“Loo-Loo Land, Loo-Loo Land!

Everybody sing along with the Loo-Loo band!

Every girl, every boy, every woman, every man

Loves Loo-Loo Land!”

The show ended with a pyrotechnic display. Green flames ate up one of the curtains and Robo Fizz laughed manically as he did a final pose up front. Octavia leaned her head back and pounded her fist on the bench in annoyance. Stolas cheered and rapidly clapped.

“Ohhohohoho! How delightful!” he hooted. “Haven’t had this much fun since the last Harvest Moon Festival…” Octavia hid her face in her hat again.

Behind Stolas, an imp armed with a wave-shaped keris sword rose from beneath the seats, ready to stab him. The imp’s head was quickly blown apart by Blitzo at the back seats.

“Oh! My, what aim you have, Blitzy!” Stolas praised.

“Ugh! I can’t do this anymore!” Octavia shouted in fury.

“Octavia!” Stolas reached out in concern as the owl teen stormed off. Stolas chased after her as Blitzo followed suit. Robo Fizz cackled as he spotted the imp dashing along.

“Mu ha ha ha hoho-oh! Is that Blitzo my sensors spot up there?” He emphasized the silent “O” in his name. “I bet the kiddies are still running away from you, huh?”

He spun his head around in loops and cackled.

“The ‘O’ is silent now!” Blitzo stopped and yelled.

Robo Fizz mocked him some more and did wild dance-like poses. “A-awwww, just like your audience always was when you to-told your lazy jokes here!” He laughed.

Blitzo tossed his sunglasses aside. “I make more money killin’ people than you do being a cheap-ass robo ripoff of an overrated sell-out jester!”

Robo Fizz glitched. “Oh ho ho! Someone’s salty! Real or not though, people love me! Does anybody love you…”

His face turned dark and his eyes glowed menacingly, grin stretched wide, “Blitzo?!”

“No. But I’m really good with guns now!” Blitzo took out his sniper. “Dance, bitch!”

Blitzo slammed a new magazine into his rifle, switched it to full-auto and opened up on Robo Fizz, who cartwheeled out of the way of the rounds. He rapidly spun like a wheel up the stairs to where Blitzo was. He coiled himself around Blitzo like a snake, before using his momentum to launch the imp out of the tent.

“Ohhhh! Fuck meeeee!” Blitzo yelled.

Outside, Wally Wayford, an imp with a southern accent was selling lit torches from a cart. There were two posters of Robo Fizz, the first was “Fizzarolli and the Handy Dandies.”

The other showed Robo Fizz with handcuffs:  “Robo Fizz Personal Companion. Gives and receives. Ribbed for your pleasure. Real tentacle action. Ten speed vibration. BDSM feature. Machine Washable.”

“Torches, I say, I say!” Wally said in a southern accent. “Get your inconvenient torches here!”

Blitzo landed on the cart with a yell, which scattered the green torches everywhere.

“Oww! I say ow!” Wally screamed.

The flames lit the big top of fire. The emerald flames rapidly spread to all corners of the park. The burning melting animatronics fled the tent as Robo Fizz cackled with demonic glee at the chaos.

Back at the blaster game, Blitzo had crash landed through the roof and into the pervert carnie just in time, saving Millie.

“Sir?!” asked Moxxie, surprised.

“Oh hey guys!” a dazed Blitzo replied. “You should probably go and uh…make sure Stolas is okay! I got some…unfinished business to take care of.”

Blitzo stood up and drew a brown flintlock pistol and fired. Robo Fizz swayed creepily toward Blitzo, a red eye showing on his burning grinning face, green flames behind him. His metal arms and body were revealed. The impact spun Robo Fizz’s head around…but the jester was unharmed by the shot.

“Oh what a mouth!” Blitzo exclaimed as Robo Fizz caught the bullet in his mouth and spat it out. Blitzo grimaced as Robo Fizz rolled at him again. Moxxie, Millie and Blitzo jumped out of the way as the jester hit the booth, destroying it in a large explosion. Shrapnel and several white imp head prizes flew through the air on fire. The piece of a stuffed animal hit a young imp boy on the head, leaving him unconscious. The photographer then snapped the picture of the imp family.

“Goddammit Nathan!” the fat father yelled to the fallen boy. “You ruined another bloody photo! Why were you even born?!”

Stolas wandered around other booths: Aim and Fire Shoot Apple, Happy Ducking, and a bomb themed Knok Knok game. One was called Eggs in the Basket, Poison Apples sold caramel apples decorated like slimy skulls and a dunking game was called Drown the Sinner.

Stolas then gasped. “Octavia?”

“Just leave me alone!” she fired.

Octavia ran into a fun house shaped like an elongated head of Lucifer. The face was white with the blushes on the cheeks and the eyes were green and snake-like. The steps were positioned onto a long tongue and the fun house entrance was shaped like Lucifer’s fanged mouth. A top hat and an apple reading “Fun House” was at the top. Stolas followed her inside as two grinning imps held rope and weapons close behind.

The neon purple interior was filled with eyes, tubes, swinging pendulums, mirrors and disembodied hands. Stolas went further into the room and looked around. A sign reading “Smile” had an arrow pointed down at a tunnel. A shadow appeared behind Stolas as a random imp jumped onto his shoulders.

“Um, I think I’m supposed to be body-guarded right now!” Stolas said, annoyed.

The imp covered Stolas’ mouth with his shirt sleeve, but was shot in the head, falling to the ground. Moxxie and Millie appeared in the entryway, Millie had just shot the imp.

“Ugh. That’s better,” Stolas said, brushing his sleeve. “Where is Blitzy? He’s my knight in shining armor, not you littler ones.” Even his apple hat got an annoyed expression on it.

The imps came over to him, Millie hugging the thing stuffed animal. “He’s…uh busy.”

“Being a fool,” said Moxxie.

“What kind of fool?” asked Stolas.

“The “everything is now on fire,” kind,” Moxxie replied.

Stolas left the imps, dodging two swinging pendulums, and headed down a tunnel into an adjoining room filled with eyes on the wall. He then spotted Octavia sitting in one of four apple-themed rail cars, crying.

“Octavia…” Stolas breathed. He took off his apple hat and it fell to the floor, the goofy face now a sad face, reflecting Stolas’ emotional state.

Stolas scooted next to Octavia, leaving a bit of space between them. “I take it you are…not having fun.”

“I didn’t even want to come here!” Octavia protested, arms folded.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. I…I thought you loved it here.”

Octavia glared at her father and sniffed. “When I was a kid and my parents didn’t hate each other, and my dad didn’t flirt with some…weird red dickhead the entire time.”

Both owls looked downcast.

“I’m sorry, Via,” Stolas said. “I’m sorry for…everything happening right now. I know it’s a lot but I…uh…I should have listened.”

Octavia sobbed. “I just want to go home, but home doesn’t even feel like home anymore. You ruined it.” More tears fell from Octavia’s eyes as she shook her head and wiped more away with her arm.

“You need to understand, you mother and I…” He stroked the back of his head, nervously. “I just…I felt…she’s always been…I haven’t been…” He stuttered, “…we weren’t in…” He buried his head in his hands, “I’m sorry, I-I-I don’t have the words.”

“Are you going to run off with him? And leave me behind? Go away where…I can’t find you?”

“What? No!” Stolas pulled her close. “No, no, never. I’d never do that. Never.”

Both of them embraced in a tight hug for several quiet moments.

“I think it’s time to leave this place,” Stolas said. Octavia smiled a bit through her tears. Despite his mistakes, her father loved her dearly. It wasn’t too hard to forgive him. Stolas lifted her up into his arms and continued, “You were right. You are too old for it, anyway.” He walked through an apple shaped opening.

Stolas carried Octavia out of the Fun House as an imp grinned manically in the space above the drop-ceiling. The imp dropped down and flicked open a switchblade behind him. Stolas immediately turned around, his red eyes glowing brightly. The frightened imp was turned to stone on the spot, then was knocked over by a pendulum.

As dusk feel outside, the park was reduced to pandemonium. Millie tried to shoot Robo Fizz who wildly rolled around. The red dragon picked up Robo Fizz, tossed him into the air before catching him and swallowing him whole. On the dragon’s back, Moxxie gaped in terror.

Stolas and Octavia left the park gates.

“So, what would you like to do now?” Stolas asked.

Octavia smiled. “Oh, can we go to Stylish Occult? They sell weird taxidermy there.”

“Hmm,” Stolas said reluctantly, but then said “Okay.”

Octavia let out a small laugh. “Thanks, dad. You’re okay sometimes.”

Stolas smiled down at her, his face bright against the starry sky above. It was nice to get a compliment from her. “Thank you Via. Thank you…”

A massive explosion rocked the park, sending green flames shooting up into the air. The I.M.P. imps hurtled through the air, screaming before all three landed in front of the owls. All three were covered with smoke.

“Way to ruin another good thing, sir!” Moxxie strained at Blitzo.

“Worth it!” Blitzo replied, holding up a shaking finger. “That slutty toy clown had. It. Comin’!”

Moxxie and Blitzo then fell unconscious.

In the darkness, Valentino’s hairless black dog Queef sniffed the unconscious Millie, grabbed her by the hair and dragged her still form away…

Chapter Text

Part One: Verosika

The ground-shaking rock music blared as a gray van rolled along the street at high speed. The front hood of the van was loose and rattled up and down, showing a dark opening. The front headlights looked like a dark grate with a few yellow lights at the very ends. The small license plate at the front read “IMP-666” in black letters. Two red stripes streaked across the side of the van while the bold red and white I.M.P. decal was proudly displayed on the side door.

“I love this song!” exclaimed the leader imp, Blitzo. He was wearing his usual work outfit; a navy blue coat with red buttons and a red pin at the front. Above Blitzo hung small red and white flags. In the center was a white toy horse with a blonde mane and tail. With his hands on the wheel, Blitzo belted out the lyrics:

“You were the little spicy little demon with the bleach blonde haaaair
Fiendin' for that semen when I caught your stare
Thought it might be love but you went too far
Fucked all of my friends and blew up my car!”

“Lit me on fire made me watch rom-coms
Made a secret sex tape and showed it to my mom
You were a bitch kinda generally
Now I'm a wet wild stallion and I'm running free!”

“You stepped on my nuts and you tore me apart
Slapped up my booty and tangled my farts
Cut off my dick when you shattered my heart
But it grew back twice as long…”

MUSTANG DONG!”

“Oh my god! I just went through puberty twice!” Blitzo wheezed as his voice cracked on the last line.

Memories of him and a former lover were already rushing back to him. The song perfectly described Blitzo’s previous love life and though not very pleasant, was still fun to sing to. There were many times in his life where he considered horses to be better companions than his peers. An array of endless horse names and adventures he could conjure up in his head…

Blitzo made “horn” rocker symbols with his hands as he nodded his head to the beat. In shotgun, Loona made a face of annoyance as she glanced at her black and white cell phone in her hands. She wore her usual shorts, torn gray tank top and black strings in the shape of a downward facing pentagram below her neck. In the back of the van, Moxxie covered both ears as he sat in the long red seat. He wore his usual dark coat and red bow tie. Millie rolled down her window and smiled as the breeze blew through her wild black hair. She had on her black tank top and torn pants as well.

Blitzo drove the van into a reserved parking lot, surrounded by graffiti-sprayed buildings. A worn white banner on one building read “Buck you Flitzo” in bold capital letters. One of the buildings was decorated with a large red eye made of glass. Bizarrely enough, there was a billboard that advertised holy water. Blitzo haphazardly drove through the lot opening. He was just about to pull into the remaining empty space to the right when a pink convertible car beat him to it.

“Unholy shit! Fu…” Blitzo yelled, he and Loona both fearful. Blitzo rapidly turned the wheel and the horn sounded. He slammed on the brakes and the van skidded to a stop. The pink car had a red heart with gold trim on the back and a golden border. The license plate read “SUCK-4-LIFE.” The wheels had small white hearts on the dark inside, white rims surrounding them.

An angry Blitzo rolled his head and turned off the radio.

Oh, you “suck for life,” do ya?!” he asked as he glared at the car. He pulled out his white megaphone and leaned out the window.

“Listen up, you unoriginal pink cum dump!” he yelled through the megaphone. “You have three goddamn seconds to get your tits out of my parking spot!”

A pair of tall high heels lowered to the ground. The shoes were black with pink hearts on them. The figure wore black tight pants with three pink xs on the side. She wore a black and white dress, a black star on the lower half and a large X and O over her breasts. A sparkly light pink fluffy coat covered her shoulders. Her face was dark pink and a black choker was around her neck. She had a pointed tail, little bat wings and curved pink horns with a few black stars on them. Her hair was long and pinkish white, and sunglasses with pink hearts on them obscured her eyes.

Blitzo lowered his megaphone in shock at the sight of the familiar succubus.

“Oh shit! Verosika?!”

The succubus blew a bubble of pink gum before it popped.

“Blitzo,” she greeted, arms folded. She had pronounced the “o” on purpose to annoy Blitzo.

Blitzo glared. “I should have known you’d be here. I could smell fish for miles. Which is odd because I believe the nearest ocean is…”

Blitzo fell out through the window, face-planting onto the ground. He quickly stood up, pointing at the ground, “…three Rings down!” He was referring to the Ring of Envy where the oceanic ruler Leviathan resided.

“And I should have known you’d be here when I heard the Amber Alerts,” Verosika retorted. She held a white and brown flask bottle in her left hand. It was decorated with a small red and white heart near the top. “I.M.P. is a scam!” and “Swear word” were painted on a nearby brick wall.

“Oh yeah?” he asked. “I’m surprised they let your fat ass outta rehab. I can see you’re still a drunken whore, clutching onto that beelzejuice juice bottle like it’s the last cock in Hell!”

“They let me out because I’m still famous,” Verosika bragged, flipping back her long hair dramatically, “and rehab is for sad, loser wash-ups.”

She took a drink from her bottle and wiped her black lipstick mouth with a gloved white thumb.

“So, your sister says ‘Hi,’” she smirked, implying a temporary sexual relation with Barbie Wire.

Blitzo stomped over toward Verosika. “Why are you parkin’ here?” he growled. “This is the only parking spot my company has! So take your tampon race car somewhere else!”

Verosika leaned slightly toward him. “Actually, prick…it has my name on it.”

She pointed down at their feet, where “Verosika” and a heart was spray painted in purple over the previous black “I.M.P.”

Verosika stood up. “I’m doing a bit of freelance for one of the infinitely more successful companies in the building…”

“No way,” Loona breathed as she peered from the van.

“…and they wanted to have me come in this week to lead their team during spring break.”

“A week?!” Blitzo exclaimed loudly. “No, no, you are not parking here for a fucking week!”

Verosika removed her sunglasses, revealing pink irises with yellow sclera.

“Aw, you mad, Blitzo?” she cooed in a mocking tone. “You gonna run off, leaving someone else to pay for the hotel room, steal their car…”

Verosika and Blitzo talked over each other, “…and run three Rings to Wrath and back and max my credit cards on shitty horse riding lessons?!”

Blitzo stomped his foot. “God dammit whore, you will not let that go!”

Verosika walked past him, showing a middle finger. “Choke on a sandpaper cock.”

Loona lowered her head as she walked by. Blitzo angrily followed Verosika.

“Hold on! You better move that pussy wagon right now or I’m gonna…”

Blitzo froze as he heard a low growling sound behind him. Towering over him was a beefy dark gray Hellhound man. He wore a torn black jacket decorated with red spikes along the shoulders. A black tattoo of a wolf with sharp teeth and a tongue out was on his left shoulder. He had thick eyebrows, torn pointed ears, a black nose and a scar over his milky left eye. His right eye was red.

“You’ll what?” he grunted, showing his sharp white teeth.

Blitzo stuttered and looked around, fearfully. “Or I’ll…um…I’ll…I’ll call HR!”

Blitzo, Verosika and the Hellhound burst into sudden laughter like a sitcom before they calmed down.

“Anyway,” said Verosika, “Meet my new Hellhound, Vortex. Unlike you, he actually does his job well.”

Vortex walked by Verosika’s side as she left. She flipped off Blitzo again before saying, “Ta ta, fuck stain.”

“Ugh, I wasted so much time with a bag of holes like that,” Blitzo muttered in annoyance.

Just then, Loona kicked open the door and stepped out of the van. “You know Verosika Mayday?!”

“Huh?” Blitzo asked. Then he casually answered, “Oh yeah, her, yeah, we dated.”

“Was it before or after she became a pop star?” Millie asked in curiosity.

Blitzo crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes.

“You dated a popstar?!” Moxxie added as he stepped out of the van.

“Okay, why are you all acting like that’s such a shock?” Blitzo asked.

“Hellooo. It’s Verosika Mayday?” Loona replied.

“It’s you?” Millie said. Moxxie and Millie were surprised that a famous person like Verosika would consider dating someone who was perceived to be far below her league.

Moxxie scratched his head. “I just…Is she blind? Suffering some form of brain damage?”

“Okay look, you are all making this into a way bigger deal than it needs to be,” Blitzo said. “I don’t pry into your stupid personal lives.”

Loona, Moxxie, and Millie did overlapping yells:

“You do that all the time, sir!” yelled Moxxie.

“Come on, you do that,” added Millie.

“You totally do that,” Loona agreed.

Millie grinned mischievously, her eyelids lowering. “What was sex with her like?”

“Millie!” Moxxie yelled, taken aback.

“What?!” Millie shrugged. “It’s a pop star! You’d wanna know what sex with Michael Crawford was like.”

Moxxie paused in mid argument. “Touché.”

“Okay look, let’s just drop it!” Blitzo demanded. “Millie, find a temporary spot for that truck.”

He tossed a pair of keys to a gleeful Millie, who caught them and scampered off.

“Okay, Loonie, Moxxie, let’s go handle this shit.”

In the building, Loona led the way between the imps as the three stepped out of an elevator. The dark brown walls were decorated with yellow webbed cracks. I.M.P. was painted in red on an office door window. The Hellhound nervously stepped forward, hands together.

“Do you think they saw me? Fuck! I did my makeup shitty today!” she muttered. Blitzo smiled at her with shining eyes.

“Oh you look perfect, Loonie. Like always.”

She flinched away from him, arms crossed as she passed by a water cooler. A look of annoyance crossed Loona’s face at Blitzo baby-talking her.

“Oh shut up da…” Loona began before seeing a look of adoration and wide eyes on Blitzo’s face. She had almost said, “dad.”

“Urgh!” she caught herself and shoved him aside. “…Blitzo!” She checked her face in a small hand mirror, a wolf design on it. She then bumped into a long furry arm.

“Oh. Whoa,” she breathed. Glancing down at her was none other than Vortex. Redness crept up to her cheeks and she wagged her tail. Blitzo briefly smiled at Loona before gasping in shock. He dashed between Loona and Vortex protectively, arms out.

“Hiiii big man,” he said. “Where’s your bitch bag of an employer?”

“She’s in her office,” said Vortex in a low voice. “There wasn’t room on the second floor so they rented one here on this one. It’s cheaper.”

Vortex mentioned toward a room down the hall, across from the I.M.P. office. Three neon hearts stood right above two blue double doors. A large pink “V” and a pink “M” were painted on the door windows, standing for Verosika Mayday (and Vivienne Medrando, creator of Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss!)

“Oh come on!” Blitzo yelled in frustration.

Vortex chuckled with a shrug of his shoulders. “Sorry man,” he said before walking away.

“Oh no you don’t, bitch,” Blitzo muttered.

“Sir,” Moxxie began. “How about you let me go in and try to reason with her. I don’t really listen to what’s classified as “pop genre” music, so her status to me is name recognition alone, her music is a bit derivative of…”

Blitzo tuned out Moxxie’s rambling.

“Moxxie!” he spat. “Shut the fuck up!”

“All righty then,” Moxxie replied, pushing open one of the blue doors and going inside. Electronic music briefly sounded from inside the room. The room had been converted into a dimly lit recording studio, with mixing consoles, effects units, microphones and separate booths. The neon pink border of light just under the ceiling gave it a club-like atmosphere, as did the rows of beer bottles on the counters. The silhouettes of Moxxie, Verosika and her gang of demons were visible from a large glass window.

“Hello Miss Verosika was it?” Moxxie asked, his eyes golden and glowing. “I work for Imp and it is actually rather important for us to retain the singular parking space we were assigned because…”

A woman succubus with a bob of hair pointed at Moxxie. “Aw, look at the little one. He’s got a wittle bow tie!” The gang snickered.

“Please don’t condescend me, ma’am,” Moxxie replied. “I…”

A male incubi leaned uncomfortably close to Moxxie. “Wanna kissy, little guy?”

Moxxie repulsively stepped back. “A…A kind offer, but…I’m married.”

Verosika stepped forward as her hungry gang surrounded Moxxie. “Hey, why don’t you send a little message from me back to your limp-dick boss?”

Verosika and her gang hissed with sharp shadowy mouths over Moxxie. They morphed into monstrous dark forms with razor sharp teeth and glowing red eyes. The imp screamed “Don’t touch thaaaat!” Blitzo raced over and pressed both hands on the window pane in terror.

“Moxxie, do not let her access any of your holes!” he cried.

Moxxie raced back into the hall, his back against the closed doors. He was shaken and battered, with red lipstick kisses all over his face. He had almost been sexually assaulted.

“I…I gotta go lie down…now,” he stuttered as he walked away and collapsed.

Blitzo fumed, veins popping in his yellow eyes. “Oh this won’t stand!”

He boot-kicked both doors open, gaining the attention of his ex and her crew: Josh, Coco, Apple, Kat, Milky, Kiki, and Ace. There were other succubi and incubi with reddish pink skin, horns, pointed tails and small bat wings. A white-haired man wore a black collar with a black upside down cross around his neck. He wore a black short sleeved shirt with a red logo that read “burn forest burn” on it. His taller male partner wore a ripped black tank top with a circled X on it. His hair was black and he had a black goatee. Two demon women partners sat together as well. The first had long dark hair and wore a fishnet top and leggings. The white-haired succubi next to her wore short revealing overalls. Verosika stood poised in the middle.

“Alright, (censored)! That’s it!” Blitzo yelled, marching over toward Verosika. “If you’re gonna be shitty to my employees…” he pointed a finger at her, “…then I challenge you to a fucking…challenge!” He leaned his head back in frustration. “Fuck, I said that twice.”

The woman with long dark hair, Kiki chuckled. “Is this imp boy starting a demon duel?”

“I think he is,” Verosika replied with a snicker. She bent over toward the imp. “What’s the game then, Blitzo?”

“Every year, you STD spreaders go topside for easy pickings while spring break is a prime time for crime of all kinds!” Blitzo responded. He grinned, “So I bet…you succu-bitches can’t fuck as many people as we can off by the end of the day.” He briefly made a hand gesture of a gun.

Verosika and her gang burst into laughter. Blitzo glared in determination. Verosika and the others stopped laughing. “Oh, you’re serious?” Verosika asked. She leaned in and spoke to Blitzo in a low whisper, “Game on, bitch.”

0 0 0

Later at I.M.P. headquarters, Blitzo stood in front of an easel full of paper and a large whiteboard flanked by bat wings near the top. There was a large bar graph drawn on the board along with horse drawings. On the left hand corner, Blitzo had written, “Potential Horse Names: ‘Grape Fiesta’, ‘Paperclip’, and ‘Soap’, -32.”  Moxxie, Millie and Loona sat in their usual spiked chairs around a long table to listen.

“Alright, shut your assholes, here’s how were gonna do this shit!” Blitzo announced.

“First, we find a fuck ton of clients…”

The animated childish drawings on the paper showed Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie and Loona standing together. A crowd of imps and clients surrounded them and gave them hugs and piles of money.

“We portal up…”

The Blitzo drawing snapped his fingers and the I.M.P. figures fell down to earth.

“We have our fun murder time as per usual…”

The I.M.P. figures used guns to kill the human figures around them.

“We pile all the bodies into a big fuckin’ canoe…”

Drawing Blitzo tossed the dead humans into a canoe that read “S.S. Cum Gutter.”

“We push said canoe into some water. We light it on fire to attract the sharks and eagles and shit, and maybe a goose, too! Fuck it!”

Animated drawings of sharks, snakes, eagles and a goose ate at the bodies on fire. A large octopus sea monster snapped the boat and everything up in its mouth.

“They come and eat the bodies, we win the bet…”

The I.M.P. figures cheered, while the Loona one wore a party hat and blew a noisemaker.

“We rub it in that sloppy bitch’s drunken whore ass face.”

The Verosika drawing burst into tears on her knees as the I.M.P. figures flipped her off several times.

“Do you have any questions?” Blitzo asked as the real meeting continued.

“Uh yeah, why was that nonsense?” Moxxie deadpanned.

Blitzo walked over to him. “That wasn’t a question.”

“That wasn’t a plan,” Moxxie retorted.

Blitzo put a hand around Moxxie. “I’m sorry, but that was a flawless presentation of what we should do, Mox. It’s not my fault you’ve got a smooth little brain upstairs.”

“A what now?” Moxxie asked, eyebrows raised.

“I’m calling you slow, Moxxie. God, why don’t you learn to take criticism, you talentless baby dick troll?!” He pointed his finger into Moxxie’s chest several times as he spoke.

An angry Moxxie stood up on the table. “Well why don’t you take an art class?”

Blitzo grabbed Moxxie by the collar and threw him back onto the chair. “Why don’t you see how expensive they are?!”

Loona interrupted the argument, still holding her cell phone. “Hey, is there a way I can come with you guys this time?”

Blitzo crossed his arms in disapproval. “Absolutely not. I forbid it. Not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie. Spring break is no place for young vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of freaks up there who’d drool all over you!”

All four characters glared into the camera, breaking the fourth wall.

“Well, I can blend in with humans easy enough,” Loona explained. “Just let me tag along.”

“Wait, say that again,” said Blitzo.

“I can blend in?” Loona reiterated.

“You have a human disguise?” Millie asked.

“Yeah. Don’t you?”

The three guilty imps nervously looked at each other, eyes darting from side to side.

“You three have been screwing around on Earth this whole fucking time, without human disguises?!” Loona asked in disbelief.

“Okay, new plan!” Blitzo called, rapidly scribbling on a piece of paper. He placed the paper on the easel, showing Loona surrounded by human figures with tiny hearts around them.

“Loonie can help lure the humans to us and we’ll take care of the rest. Okay how about that?”

“Flawless logic,” Millie smiled in agreement.

Moxxie held up a clawed finger. “I think you’re missing the biggest issue, sir. Isn’t it crucial to have a client who demands enough kills to win this bet? We aren’t just going up to massacre!”

Blitzo smirked in response. “I got that covered, Mox.”

Not long after, Blitzo stuck a flyer onto a pole. It read “Spring Break Victim 50% Off!” It had a drawing of Blitzo, a dead victim and little cartoon horses.

Blitzo strode to Moxxie. “Now, we wait.”

Moxxie shook his head. “Sir, there is no way we are going to get enough clients by the end of the day with one poorly spelled bad grammar flyer!”

Both Moxxie and Blitzo paused and looked over to see a line of a dozen creatures looking in curiosity at the flyer under the Pride Ring’s blood red sky. They arrived in a variety of shapes and sizes. Some of them were imps and others were sinners. There was a pink fluffy monster with black eyes, an orange fly trap plant wearing librarian glasses, a fox with thick white hair, a humanoid dog with pointed ears and a hook for a hand. Next to a teal lizard lady with dyed hair stood a tall man wearing a blue suit with a deer skull for a head. Even Travis, a gray owl demon, was there.

Blitzo elbowed Moxxie with a smug grin before strolling over to the other demons. “Now, who’s first?”

Part Two: At The Beach

The beach in the human world was alive with humans from everywhere. Men, women and children happily walked around, relaxed under umbrellas, or had snacks. Several surf boards stood up in the sand by a decorated teal wall with a wavy orange design taking up the center. The crowd was positioned between a wooden dock and a makeshift stage. Two women wearing sunglasses got comfortably close and kissed each other in the shade. A muscular dark skinned man talked with a red haired woman while a blonde guy wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap shook a bottle of pills into his mouth. Above the beach lay a small row of shops. One sign read “Pawn Paradise.” One sign read “hotel” in red letters while another sign read “Sea cream” with a teal ice cream cone structure next to it. Another sign read “Pico Puncho Pizza” and another read “Dagon Juice” and had a green fish with a sailor’s cap on it.

In the shadows under the dock, the I.M.P. crew emerged from algae-covered rocks.

“Now remember, we can’t be seen, alright?” Blitzo reminded them. “And loose shots will likely cause a panic, so Loona can help with leading targets to a better spot to off them. You got the list, Loonie?”

Loona skimmed the list in her hands and gave it a sniff. “Got it.”

She dropped the paper, stood up and walked into the light. A rush of swirling blue magic enveloped her before it vanished.

Loona was now in human form. She opened her red eyes and brushed her thick light gray hair with her hands. She wore her same dark crop top and high black shorts but she now had white skin, two bars in her right ear and a partially shaved head. She had gray eye makeup on and a black choker around her neck. Her pale midriff, arms and legs were visible.

All three imps stared in amazement.

“Ohhh Loonie, look at you!” Blitzo breathed. “You look downright awful!”

Loona glared at him.

Blitzo wiped a tear from his eye. “I’m so proud.” He pointed ahead. “Now fetch!”

Loona peered in front of her with a hand over her eyebrows to help block out the light. Her target humans were outlined in red in her vision. Loona smirked and strolled over to a tall dark haired muscular man wearing sunglasses. She moved a finger toward his chest and gave him a flirtatious grin. She mentioned behind her to a private alleyway. Loona led him into the alleyway and leaned casually against the wall. The man reached out to grab her in lust but was immediately shot in the head by Blitzo spying on the roof. He gave Loona a thumbs up.

Later on, a blonde man ran to Loona in an alleyway with a hungry lustful look on his face. He was caught in a noose by Blitzo. A random “music band” poster hung on the wall. On a rooftop, a brown haired man leaned in to kiss Loona, but Millie knocked him off the roof with a kick. The man fell into a green dumpster that Moxxie slammed shut. Loona walked with a fat man down the sidewalk and a flower pot crashed fatally into his head. Blitzo killed a woman with a knife, Millie killed a white haired woman with a spiked baseball bat, and another woman got shot in the head.

Blitzo and the gang put the bodies in bloodstained dark trash bags, closing them. In the background, Millie happily jumped on another body.

“That’s nine kills in the bag!” called Blitzo. “I’d like to see that waily snatch orgasm that many…”

The imps froze when they heard a voice through a microphone. It was Verosika Mayday on stage, in her human form. Her shadowy silhouette in the clearing smoke resembled her demon form. She had blonde hair, tan skin and wore black leggings and high heels. She wore a pink skirt and a matching frilly top that revealed her right shoulder. She had a small black heart on her right cheek. The background lights were pink, giving the appearance of moving hearts. “Verosika Mayday” was on a pink banner overhead. Verosika appeared on two screens on either side of the stage, showing moving hearts of red, pink and white for the background. Six pink spotlights shone on her.

“All right spring breakers! Y’all ready get fucked up and make some bitching bad choices?!”

The crowd cheered in affirmation. A white teen boy with short blonde hair tore off his shirt and yelled “Verosika!” He had her name written in pink on his bare chest.

Verosika sang her song:

“This is your final boarding call.

All aboard

Pack your bags

Sun’s out

Take a vacay babe

Take it straight to Bonetown”

“V-time, free time, baby relax

Self-care, no hair, Brazilian wax

Hardtop succu-bus to the beach

Catch some rays while catching some D”

“Pack your bags

Sun’s out

Take a vacay babe

Take it straight to Bonetown”

“Hot dog, hot bod, sausage and buns

Threesome, fivesome, having some fun

Back to my place, welcome to Hell

Sun’s out, hormones out, how does it smell?”

“Pack your bags

Sun’s out

Take a vacay babe

Take it straight to Bonetown”

Verosika performed her song on stage and took a drink from her bottle. “Fuck you Blitzo” appeared on the screens as Blitzo seethed. The humans made out with others around them. The humans kissed, hugged, and some gave each other anal. One dark woman succubus showed a love-struck man a popsicle with semen-like saliva on it. She grinned and threw herself onto the human male. An incubi with dark hair in human form smiled and snapped his fingers at a blonde man…his sunglasses fell off his surprised sunburned face. Several more succubi and incubi grinned and snuck up on the humans.

Blitzo was furious. “God dammit, that bitch started her godish mating call! Now she’s gonna win all those sex maniacs. We gotta pick things up, guys! He on the list, Loonie?”

Blitzo mentioned to a vomiting long haired blonde man in boxer shorts.

Loona appeared distracted, not even looking at him. “Huh? Yeah I think so.” Loona was staring at a tall muscular black skinned bouncer by the stage: a human Vortex.

“Good!” Blitzo called.

The blonde man looked up at Blitzo in a stupor.

“Whoa, what are you? A leprechaun? Hahaha!”

Blitzo raised a sharp black and red ax. “Oh yeah, pretty cool, huh?”

Blitzo smashed the man’s head open with the ax, causing blood and brains to splatter.

“But you sure as shit ain’t gonna tell nobody.” He looked over. “All right, next one, Loonie, come on! Wait where…?”

Blitzo rapidly glanced around, but Loona wasn’t where she was a moment before.

“Where’s my baby?!” he cried in a panic. Millie pointed toward the stage. “Look!”

Loona nervously made her way through the crowd, avoiding a French-kissing couple and tossing aside a bra that landed on her head. A squealing fanboy ran toward Verosika but Vortex punched him into the ground, head first. He dragged the teen away in the distance as Loona watched. A male incubus appeared as a white skinned human with short white hair. Putting both hands on her shoulders, he smirked and wiggled his eyebrows at her. With a roll of her eyes, Loona landed an uppercut on his chin, causing him to fall.

“Now, who wants a piece of this?” Verosika called as she took one last gulp.

She tossed her flask into the ocean, creating a small golden portal. A fish appeared, which rapidly grew in size.

Loona walked sideways over toward Vortex.

“Hey, you,” she tried.

“Hey,” Vortex replied. “You’re the hound working for my boss’s freaky ex.”

“Yeah. Sorry if that’s weird.”

“It’s cool,” he shrugged. “Her beef ain’t mine. I’m not paid enough to care.”

Loona laughed nervously. “Yeah. Yeah.” She pushed her hair behind her ear. “I’m Loona!”

“Okay.” In her giddy tone he repeated, “I’m Vortex!” Both chuckled.

“That’s hot,” Loona said with a grin. Then her face turned red and flustered. “I mean like literally you know because vortexes, you know, they give off heat. Probably. Right?” She pointed both fingers in a snap, trying to act cool.

Vortex chuckled lightly. “Uh, yeah. I guess. But my friends call me Tex.”

“Oh yeah? I wish I had friends. I mean no, I mean, I don’t. I…I don’t have friends.”

Just then, Blitzo arrived, moving himself between them.

“Am I interrupting something?”

“Nah man. Just having a conversation,” Vortex replied.

Blitzo narrowed his eyes and wagged a finger at him. “’Conversation’ leads to HPV!” Loona clenched her fists in frustration.

0 0 0

Meanwhile, Moxxie and Millie hid behind several metal beer barrels.

“And… we lost him,” Moxxie declared. “Huh, it’s looking like it’s up to us handle this list.”

Millie’s face shone in excitement. “Hell yeah! Team M and M, getting shit down, making the money!”

Moxxie and Millie ran off holding hands in the sunset and killed more people. A sign read “Senpai, notice me.”

Loona pinched her nose. “Let’s get the fuck out of here,” Loona said to Blitzo in concern. “You’re gonna get us all into shit.”

“I just wanted to see what was so important that you’d be distracted from your job.”

Loona angrily pulled Blitzo away from Vortex.

“What, I can’t have a break?”

Blitzo yelled at the top of his lungs. “We have a parking spot on the line!”

“Hey dude,” Vortex mentioned as he walked over. “Why don’t you chill out?”

Blitzo wagged a finger. “Why don’t you stay out of it?”

He turned back to Loona.

“Okay, this is our business!” He pointed to the ground and in his tail was a drawing of Blitzo killing a person, a horse followed by an equal sign and dollar signs. “Literally!”

Loona clenched her fists and briefly leaned forward in anger. “Oh fuck Blitzo! Why can’t you stay out of my face for like five minutes?!”

“Because I adopted you! And that should mean something!”

“Oh what does it matter? You’re not my real dad! I was almost eighteen!”

“It still counts!”

“Well it shouldn’t! I didn’t need you then, asshole! I don’t need you now!”

A tense silence followed. Both of them crossed their arms, their backs to each other. Both faces showed hurt expressions.

As a young pup, Loona had been left to fend for herself by her real neglectful parents. She had lived a life of meth addiction, syphilis, sex, fighting and insecurity with no real friends. Blitzo was perhaps the first person to truly care about her. He took her in as a teen and adopted her…and she had worked at I.M.P. ever since. Loona already felt bad at what she had just said. But there was no taking it back.

She stuttered, trying to say something.

“Uh, Blitzo…I’m…”

“Enjoy your break, Loonie,” he replied coldly. “I’m gonna go kill something.”

Loona sighed sadly as he left.

“Damn, girl. That was savage,” Vortex remarked sympathetically. He placed a large comforting hand on her shoulder. “You okay?”

Loona blushed heavily, forcing a smile.

“Yeah, I’m fine. He’ll get over it. He usually does.”

“I’m glad you could stick up for yourself, at least,” Vortex mentioned. “Hmm. Takes guts.”

“Thanks,” Loona smiled.

0 0 0

Meanwhile, Moxxie looked to the left and right from behind the beer cans on a table. Beer can and bottles were everywhere. Moxxie ducked back behind them, watching as Millie loaded her crossbow. The two imps smiled and kissed.

A man with a baseball cap, sunglasses and a tie-dye shirt that read “Kool” threw down a beer can. “Wooo! Yeah! Party!” he yelled. “Let’s do this!”  The man pointed both fingers in the air and then promptly flipped the table, sending the imps flying. Moxxie landed on the ground as the beachgoers stepped back.

“Eww!” exclaimed a red haired woman in disgust, pointing down at him. “Oh my god! It’s a fucking possum!”

Moxxie tried to scurry off, but a man picked him up. “Oh, crumbs!”

“I got it!” called the guy with “Kool” on his shirt, holding up Moxxie in the air. A muscular blonde man held a large beer barrel. The first guy tossed Moxxie inside while the second one closed the lid. “We put him in the keg,” one of them said. The other people cheered as Moxxie was carried away. “Beer is awesome!” they cheered. While he was inside, he gulped down the beer around him. The people tossed the barrel and played catch with it before leaving it behind.

Millie dashed from behind the beer cans, arriving at the barrel Moxxie was in. The barrel wobbled, surprising Millie. She placed her ear to it before tipping it over. Moxxie spilled out on his back with the remaining beer.

“Moxxie!” Millie cried.

“Millie! Hi! Hey!” Moxxie slurred, rolling onto his back and looking at her upside down. “Hey, when did you get four heads? I wanna kiss ‘em!”

He made smooching noises before Millie picked him up.

0 0 0

Suddenly, a large gush of water rose up from behind them. A dark shadow passed over their faces, darkening the sky. The humans glanced up in shock. Even the demon gang and Verosika looked on in fear and surprise. A woman pointed upwards and several people ran off. A giant foot crushed a man lying on a turtle towel. Blood splattered everywhere and onto the crowd of humans. Another woman screamed and the humans ran for their lives. Blitzo was in the process of chocking a drinking man from behind, when he, too, stopped to look.

A giant black Leviathan fish monster had risen from the ocean!

The fish had large teal eyes, fins, white whiskers and dozens of blue sharp teeth. The beast let out a fierce, ear-shattering roar.

“Oooh! Fish!” Moxxie grinned stupidly in his drunken haze.

Like a deadly vine, a long spiked tongue wrapped around Moxxie and pulled him toward the fish.

“Hehe! Weeeee!” Moxxie grinned.

Millie watched in horror as Moxxie was wrapped up above the large maw before the fish snapped its jaws shut.

Millie got into a fighting stance. She glanced to her left and spotted a fat man drinking and wearing sunglasses. She stabbed him with a knife and tore off a piece of his towel. With her knife in her mouth, she lit the cloth on fire over a vodka bottle, creating a Molotov cocktail. Millie tossed it toward the monster, sending the fish stumbling and crashing down into the sea.

Wasting no time, Millie swam toward the monster and cut upwards along its scaly body with her knife. Using all her strength, she pried open the monster’s mouth. Moxxie was punching the monster’s uvula, still wrapped up in the tongue.

Millie reached for him with her hand. Moxxie reached too, then gave her a high five. Millie grabbed hold of his wrist and pulled him up. She used her other hand and foot to support herself on the monster’s teeth. She pulled as hard as he could, but Moxxie wouldn’t budge.

Just when she lost her grip, she slashed her knife across the tongue, slicing a piece off. In a roar of pain, the monster spat Moxxie out. Moxxie spread out his arms, enjoying the feeling of flying. Back on the beach, a man flinched as the tongue piece landed on the ground. Moxxie landed in Blitzo’s arms. The man cheered before Blitzo shot him with a gun. Moxxie cheered drunkenly.

Back inside the monster’s mouth, Millie rapidly punched at the tongue, trying to get out. The monster roared in pain and anger, slashing around as Millie wrestled with it.

“I love that woman!” Moxxie declared.

Blitzo smirked. “Oh she totally pegs you, doesn’t she?” Indeed, Millie was dominant in the bedroom and Moxxie loved it.

Millie leapt into the air, knife aimed downward. She fell back inside the mouth…then sliced off the fish’s head from the inside. A gush of blood flowed out from the monster before it landed with a final thud into the water. Millie walked back to shore and dropped her knife, exhausted.

Blitzo and Moxxie cheered. “Oh yeah, way to show off, Mils!” Blitzo called.

“Is Mox okay?” Millie panted.

Blitzo glanced at the drunken Moxxie. “Oh yeah, he’s fine,” he casually said before dropping him onto the sand.

Millie raced over and held Moxxie in her arms.

Moxxie grinned at Millie with a doped expression. “This is funny. I’m soooo… drinky.”

Millie just laughed and hugged him.

Blitzo scowled and crossed his arms. “Okay, this is too wholesome for my liking.”

“Blitzo!” Verosika called, pronouncing the ‘O’.

“Oh perfect,” he said sarcastically. He turned around to the human-disguised gang of seducer demons. “That must be the whores!”

Verosika was flanked by four succubi and an incubi disguised as humans. “That was handled rather…obvious, don’t you think?” She grinned a smug grin.

Millie held up Verosika’s flask. “I don’t think this belonged to any of us.”

Millie tossed the flask to Verosika who caught it with one hand. She dropped it into one of the succubus’ hands.

“Would be a shame if anyone found out you guys were behind a giant monster fish in the human world,” Millie added with a grin.

Even Moxxie laughed out loud, pointing at them. “Oh Satan! You all be so fucked!”

Verosika briefly looked concerned, then sneered. “Yeah, well you three nasty ass gremlins will be in shit for not being in disguises!”

Moxxie fell to his knees and face-planted into the sand. He lifted his head up. “A human called me a possum! I am not a possum!” He face-planted again.

Blitzo stepped forward and moved Moxxie out of the way with a foot. “You know, we could keep this little B movie scene on the down low if you agree to let us use that parking space.” Blitzo smirked in anticipation.

Verosika, not wanting to get in trouble, relented with a sigh. “Fine.”

Blitzo raised both arms in the air and laughed in triumph. “We fucking won!”

“Fuck yeah!” Millie cheered.

“In your face, bitch!” Blitzo taunted Verosika, who scowled.

She glared at Blitzo one last time. “Come on, let’s get out of here. Tex!”

Vortex stood with Loona not too far from the empty stage. “Well…guess it’s time to bounce, but hey, if you’re ever down to party, I’ll give you a ring sometime.”

Loona smiled in excitement. “Really? I mean, heh, yeah. Yeah.”

“Yeah. My girlfriend throws a ton of crazy hound parties.”

Her smile fell. “Nice. Can’t wait for my first one.”

“Let’s get you some friends, girl.”

Vortex gave her a playful punch before following Verosika. Loona looked downcast at seeing Vortex leave and being reminded of her confrontation with Blitzo. Loona felt instant dejection; Vortex already had a girlfriend and he wasn’t coming with her. Now she would go back to doing her usual secretary work. With Hell being “every demon for themselves,” it was hard to make true friends, especially if one was of lower class and lost in dark thoughts all the time. Loona could not deny to herself that she often felt like a lone wolf.

Millie carried Moxxie and jumped into the portal.

“Come on, Loonie tooney!” Blitzo called to her. “Let’s go back and park our fat fucking car in our fat fucking space!” He ran off into the portal.

Loona followed Blitzo and fell through the portal on her back.

Blitzo mockingly gave Verosika double middle fingers through the portal from behind her. Verosika growled in anger after noticing. She and her gang made their way up the stairs and onto the street.

A policeman yelled through a megaphone, “Put your hands up, you sick deviants!”

The gang huddled in fear as guns were trained on them. They were surrounded by police cars, a SWAT team, men on horses and a helicopter. A clown and a mime robot were also with the police.

Verosika sighed in defeat. “Alright, sluts, get ready to suck a lot of pig dick.”

Her gang members groaned in disgust at the thought of doing oral with prisoners as they raised their hands in surrender.

Chapter Text

A brilliant pair of golden wrought iron gates gleamed in rays of sunlight. The gates stood on a pile of clouds colored white, blue, orange and pink. The gates had curves and a white cloud arch design on the double doors. The doors opened to reveal a hovering blue-gray crystalline structure shaped like a sun in the center, which may have been a Throne angel. An office building was designed like a large golden harp near a cobblestone path. A series of buildings rested atop more clouds, glass and windows within curved cloud-like roofs of blue and orange. A nearby sign framed by clouds read “Cherub Towne,” opposite of “Imp City,” in Hell. Beyond another golden gate was a silver city of buildings off in the distance surrounded by teal halos: Holy City. Like Imp City, Cherub Towne lay on the outskirts of Heaven, further from the more dominant society of ethereal alien-like angels. And like Imps, Cherubs were of the lower class in comparison to the saints (former good humans gone to Heaven) and the elite HeavenBorn angels.

The C.H.E.R.U.B. headquarters consisted of a tall office building with a golden design over it shaped like a harp. The “strings” were positioned over the windows. Down below, the trees were shaped like various swirled candies. Inside the office building was a sign on a door that read “C.H.E.R.U.B. Headquarters.” Cletus, the leader, paced back and forth as his colleagues sat at a round white table decorated with a dark purple Christian Cross on it. They sat in white wooden polished chairs in the immaculate room. On the walls were portraits of the cherubs in the sky with angelic choirs in the background. Written on the white board in front of them were the words “God loves you,” “Praise Jesus,” “Love saves lives,” and “Be a sheep, not a creep!” Various bar graphs and pie charts were on the board as well.

Cletus had the appearance of a little boy wearing reddish overalls and a yellow undershirt with a white collar. He had a chubby pale baby face with clown-like blushes off to the sides. His eyes were large and purple and his short hair was a light ginger pink in a fluffy style. His elegant wings were white feathers with purple feathers toward the bases. A white halo hovered over his head. Cletus was short-tempered, self-righteous and dedicated to his job.

“Greetings everyone!” he said, waving one of his flabby small arms. “I know business has been a bit on the decline, but I know we all have what it takes to move it back up. I’m not saying it’s anyone’s fault…”

Cletus glanced at one of his colleagues, Collin, who whimpered softly. Collin resembled an anthropomorphic sheep with white wooly hair and a periwinkle face. His eyes were purplish and his hooves were thick and lavender. He wore a sky blue shirt and white overalls with a white bow tie around his neck. He had white feathery wings with a curved light purple base, plus he had a halo. Collin was the most sensitive and kind of the three, caring about his clients and humans the most. He was the only one who showed sympathy toward mortals, rather than as an obligation to his job like the other two cherubs.

“I completed all the paperwork, I swear,” said Collin. Collin had been a record keeper of human sin, choices and religions for decades. Now he recorded God’s messages, and the progress of each human they saved.

“Make no mistakes!” Cletus said. “You know how God and the authorities are about mistakes…”

Collin gulped briefly as Cletus’ shadow covered his face. He rapidly nodded before Cletus pulled back.

“Excellent! Now does anyone have any bright ideas on how we can get our business drumming up again?” Cletus asked.

Keenie eagerly raised her hoof. She was a yellow anthropomorphic sheep with yellow wooly hair and a yellow face. She wore a frilly yellow flowery dress with red trim and a large red bow. Her butterfly-shaped wings were yellow and her eyes had purple pupils with red irises. She also had a yellow halo above her head. Although she was dedicated to her job, she was overly modest and judgmental. She viewed demons as dirt and had low tolerance for what she deemed as inappropriate.

“What about a car wash?” she asked.

“Cars are already clean here,” Cletus mentioned. “Hmm, maybe a billboard.”

“Already have one,” Collin mentioned, pointing to a large sign outside.

The billboard showed the three cherubs in a happy hug. In bold white letters to the left, it read “C.H.E.R.U.B. (Certified Heaven Employees’ Reliable Uplifting Business.) We’re Here To Spread Life And Love At No Cost! Call Us Today At 1-800-CHERUB Or Go Online At 7thHeavenEvangellicAnimals.com.”

Cletus sighed happily. “One of our greatest accomplishments thus far.”

Collin glanced at a piece of paper with comments on it. “It appears that our progress has been well-received by many. But there have been a few complaints. Like this one: ‘You spend all your time saving random people but where were you when Kobe Bryant died? Or Brianna Taylor? James Lipton ring any bells? And how dare you failed to save our beloved Ariana Margarita Rodriguez Hernandez?! If you guys weren’t non-profit, I’d sue you…but I think I will anyway!’”

Collin looked downcast. “Those people are now here in Heaven. Sadly we can’t save everybody. And does anyone know who that Ariana What A Mouthful Name Is?”

Everyone shrugged their shoulders and briefly gave her a moment of respectful silence. Then Cletus interrupted it.

“Oh that reminds us!” Cletus exclaimed happily, lifting up a finger. “We have our next client to visit on Earth…and he’s a Lipton too!”

He pulled out a picture of an old bald man from his overall pocket. “This is Lyle Lipton, a famous inventor of Lyle-Loopty Robotics!”

“What?” Collin asked. “I thought we were supposed to be visiting James Lipton?”

“Nope, this guy is different,” Cletus said. “He’s helped make vehicles, robots, cell phones…even experimented with machines for anti-aging! Very wealthy too.”

“It’s incredible how much human cultures over the centuries have influenced the very fabrics of Heaven and Hell,” Collin added. “Clothing, cuisine, customs…it’s like a mesh of time periods in one vast society! Lyle’s technology has certainly improved efficiency and the economy up here.”

“That’s pretty impressive,” Keenie gaped in amazement. “And just think of what he can do to spread his wealth around to the world! He could fund churches, schools, businesses…”

“That’s what we heard!” said Cletus. “We got a request to bless him from one of his family members here. They said and I quote: ‘The old fart is greedy as…f. Proceed with caution.’”

“Well mean or not, we still need to save him,” Keenie added. “I’m sure we can convince him to do good things in his life. It’s our job after all.”

The cherubs all nodded.

“Well then it’s settled!” Cletus called, doing a happy loop around the office. “We’ll save that man’s life and get that rating boost we need!”

All of them cheered and raised their arms.

“Oh and don’t forget, we still need to do our jingle and commercial today!” Cletus reminded them.

“C-c-commercial?” Collin asked in concern. “What if the other angelic Orders suspect us too much? Plus I hate the spotlight.”

“Relax Collin,” said Cletus. “What bad thing could possibly happen to us?”

0 0 0

Later on, the C.H.E.R.U.B. commercial began, spreading to television stations in Heaven and Hell alike. (Why would it show in Hell? To comfort sinners about loved ones? Make I.M.P. jealous? Plot convenience? Does the I.M.P. jingle appear in Heaven as well?)

The commercial started with the golden heavenly gates opening up on top of the colorful clouds among sunlight. The sun shaped crystalline structure/Throne angel appeared in the center. It cut to Cherub Towne in the clouds. The buildings were slightly slanted and covered with cloud-shaped roofs of blue, orange and white. Another pair of golden gates had three golden eyes on the top. In the background lay the halo-surrounded silver city.

Cletus appeared on the screen.

“Well, howdy! I’m Cletus! Welcome to Heaven! Guess you did something good to get here, and good people deserve to give loved ones special blessings!”

The jingle began.

The clip showed a man falling to his death without a parachute. “Owie!” appeared in a bubble over the man.

Collin sang, “Does it make you want to cry?”

Keenie added, “When your loved one has to die?” as another human got run over by a red Thomas the Tank Engine speeding train. “Oh No!” appeared in a censoring thought bubble.

“Does it hurt you through and through…” sang Cletus as a man was shown accidentally shooting himself in the face in a “Man Cave.” “Oopsie!” was in another bubble over his face.

“When you face is turning blue?” They all sang as a mustached man struggled to breathe in a hangman’s noose.

“Well luckily for you!” sang Collin with a pose.

“There’s something we can do!” sang Keenie with a pose.

Cletus smiled against the sunrise clouds.

“We can help keep them alive!” Cletus sang.

They all posed in a side hug and sang:

“So you can watch them thrive!”

The three cherubs flew together side to side as their logo “C.H.E.R.U.B.” appeared in bold orange and gold letters on the screen with the registered trademark.

“Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.!” they all sang.

“We’ll save your honey bun from dying violently!” added Collin.

The next series of clips showed the sheep saving people from muggers, natural disasters and various accidents. Cletus rescued a woman from a pack of animals while Keenie shoved a frightened Collin toward them, as he held a wooden plank with a nail in it.

“Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.!” they all sang.

“No, we never even ask a fee!” added Keenie.

The next clip showed a human handing dollar bills to Cletus, who waved out a dismissive hand.

“Because good people spread the love!” Collin sang.

The next clip showed Collin and Keenie hugging each other as yellow hearts spread out in all directions.

“And we’re here for all above!” Keenie added in song.

The next clip showed a spinning earth with more glowing hearts around it in every direction.

“We do the paperwork for you!” added Cletus.

An exhausted Collin rapidly wrote down at his desk surrounded by piles of paper around him. A white puppet sat on his desk by the “in box”. A nearby sign displayed a message from God: “Surround yourself with people who will lift you up. So ditch your loser friends you can’t use.”  God was promoting a snobby rich mentality for the citizens to be “nice” and keep up their appearances.

“And the heavy lifting, too!” sang Collin.

Keenie lifted a heavy boulder from a flattened woman. The woman gave a weak smile and thumbs up.

A man in a car crash with a torn up chest and battered skin weakly smiled as the sheep cherubs appeared around him. The man was drunk on Holy Spirit for some reason. A nearby billboard showing the incompetent doctors from the pilot read: “Injured? Good!”

“So sit right back…” sang Cletus before they all harmonized, “And let us bless a soul for you!”

Cletus smiled and flew close to the screen. He joined his two companions who lifted their heads up and sang in harmony. The golden C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appeared above their heads as they held hands.

“Oh we, are the C.H.E.R.U.B.!”

(“Certified Heaven’s Employees’ Reliable Uplifting Business.”)

The C.H.E.R.U.B. commercial ended on a small old fashioned TV before…

Bang!

The TV exploded into flames and debris. Blitzo had exploded it with a tan colored flintlock pistol. He had a look of disapproval regarding the commercials.

Millie grinned next to him. “Nice one, B!”

“Give me another, Mox!” Blitzo ordered.

Moxxie stepped up and nervously swept away the debris with a hand. He put up another old fashioned TV onto the white stand. With an apprehensive look on his face, he turned the TV on. The glowing 666 News logo appeared.

Blitzo poured gunpowder into the flintlock. “Eh, naw, not feelin’ it. Next!”

Moxxie switched the channel. A black and white clip showed Betty Boop dancing erotically with prominent breasts and a black pitchfork in her hand. Both Blitzo and Millie looked bored.

“Uh huh, keep going, keep going, keep going!” Blitzo insisted.

Moxxie switched the channel again. This time, an imp appeared wearing a large black top hat, a white shirt and pants, gray vest, black bow tie and black boots. He held a cane in his hands and he also had a thin curly mustache. A mischievous grin of sharp teeth appeared on his face.

“I say, I say!” the imp exclaimed, briefly pointing his cane at the camera. “Are you looking to get work making crazy contraptions and goofy gadgets?” “Crazy Contraptions” and “Goofy Gadgets” appeared in bold spiked icons to the imp’s left and right. The imp twirled his cane.

“Well call me at Wacky Wally Wackford’s Wacky Idea ‘Factory!’”

He pulled down another screen. The title appeared in bold red, gray and white letters surrounded by pinkish circles reminiscent of classic cartoons. “Factory” appeared in quotations. Wally Wackford appeared again.

“Where you make the things and I make the money!”

Wally Wackford then got up closer to the camera with a pleading look. “Please, I’m very desperate!”

“Bingo!” Blitzo called, shooting and exploding the TV again.

“Woo!” Millie whooped. “You’re on a roll, sir!”

The white board behind them showed a bunch of arrows, exclamation points and squares connected together. One drawing in the upper right hand corner showed Robo Fizz getting eaten by a dragon, with “Nom!” and “Ha!” written next to it. Another doodle showed Verosika Mayday sitting in her car with a sign that read “walk, bitch!” “Mood board” was in big letters off to the left.

Loona snored and woke up from her canine sleep on a chair. Loona’s cup of water spilled from a sudden shake.

“Guys, do you feel that?” Loona asked in concern.

“Oh shit, is that a hell-shake?” Blitzo asked.

“That’s possible?” Moxxie asked as his pointed tail suddenly shot up in fear.

Millie held onto him in comfort. “Alright! Don’t panic, Moxxie!”

“I’m not ‘panicking,’” Moxxie replied, doing quotes with his fingers. “…because hell-quakes don’t happen.”

Loona roughly grabbed hold of Moxxie and shook him. “Stop getting hysterical, fatty!”

With a powerful swipe from her paw, she flung Moxxie across the room, where he landed against the opposite wall.

Smash!

The wall collapsed behind Moxxie, covering him in debris. The wall had been destroyed by what appeared to be black mechanical tubes in a wrecking ball shape. Posing on one knee on the debris was a thin super villain man. The man stood up as the others watched. Loona growled on all fours like an angry wolf.

“Do not be afraid!” said the man, spreading out his arms. He grinned and extended his metal contraptions into loops behind and around him. The man wore a black suit with a green spiraling arrow pointed down toward his crotch on the front. His boots were tall and green. He wore red gloves and a red cape. Red pointed horns curved near his black top hat. A thick black elegant mustache and a pair of glowing green spiraled glasses completed his whimsical weird look.

“Please tell me you got that insurance thing,” Blitzo mentioned, referring back to when he first learned about the term on Earth.

An angry Millie took out a sharp black ax with a red pentagram on it. “Who are you and what do you want?!”

“I’m Loopty Goopty!” the man greeted. He swooped into the room on a loop on his contraptions and landed between Blitzo and Millie. He wiggled his eyebrows playfully and obscured his lower face with his cape. In a sing-song voice he added, “Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopish!” He leaned into an angry Millie.

“Moxxie!” Millie gasped, rushing over toward him, past the villain. She quickly lifted up the debris and flung it away. Moxxie gasped loudly for breath and coughed. She supported Moxxie and led him to an adjacent leather chair.

“Thanks Mils,” he croaked, eyes fluttering.

“Of course I wouldn’t just leave you under there while you were struggling for breath!” she said. “Who would do such a thing?!”

Moxxie weakly laughed.

Loona stood with a hand on her hip, staring at Loopty Goopty. “Could’ve just used the door, dude. Doesn’t need to be this whole thing.”

“I am eccentric!” Loopty Goopty exclaimed, leaning toward Loona who flinched back. “…and therefore must do eccentric shit!”

He waved back and forth in a little dance. Blitzo sniffed near his behind and flinched.

“Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die?”

“Yes!” Loopty answered. “Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me here!”

Loona tapped on her phone. “Just sayin’, the front door would’ve gotten you here fine.”

“Shut up, dear furry!” Loopty Goopty exclaimed, holding a finger close to Loona’s growling angry face. He turned around and held up a small black and white photo of an old bald man in bed.

“This is the man I’m gonna need you to kill!” he said in a singsong voice.

Blitzo took the photo from him and examined it.

“Not even a shit’s length of time in Hell and already plotting revenge?” Blitzo smiled and walked toward him. “I can respect a man with that sort of passion! I’m Blitzo, the “o” is silent.”

Blitzo shook Loopty’s hand.

“What “o”?” Loopty asked.

“Aww thank you,” Blitzo smiled, taking Loopty’s confusion as a compliment. “Now what’s the tea, sis?”

“The tea?” asked a confused Loopty.

“Yeah, why’re we killing this guy? I mean, what did he do to you?” Blitzo pressed, playfully elbowing him.

“He was…my business partner!” Loopty exclaimed. “You see, I was not always an old man.”

An old brown shaded film montage depicted Loopty’s early human life.

“My partner Lyle and I ran Lyle-Loopty Robotics, a technological empire!”

Lyle and Loopty posed with capes and spiral glasses on top of a tall building labeled “Lyle-Loopty Robotics”. The building was surrounded by factories and columns spewing smoke. Loopty put wires together while Lyle tightened a bolt with a wrench.

“Earlier today, we were testing a new machine intended to stop or reverse the aging process!”

The two inventors stood in front of a giant white dome shaped machine labeled “De-age-ifier”.

“It could’ve saved all three trillionaires!”

The two of them strolled into the machine and closed the metal door.

“Unfortunately, we neglected to test the machine on the poor like we usually do. We were too sure of our own genius.”

Loopty briefly leaned out the door and double checked to make sure the lever to the right was set to “young” on the top. He started hard at two of his employees before disappearing back into the chamber. The two employees talked in hushed tones and stared at a family photo of a mutilated old relative in ragged clothing.

“I told two of my employees to keep an eye on the lever, to make sure it was set right. But the machine was accidentally set forward!”

With determined expressions of vengeance, one of the employees pulled the lever down to “old,” just before the machine started. He wasn’t going to allow Lyle to mess with his impoverished relative again.

“By the time we managed to get out, it was too late. At least, for me.”

The two men struggled to open the door, pounding hard on it. Both of them rapidly shriveled up and aged. They stared at their wrinkly arms, hands and faces in horror. Lyle grew old and fat and slid down to the floor. Loopty clutched at his bony chest, suffered a heart attack and collapsed to the ground. A man opened the door and mentioned for doctors to come in. They put a stethoscope over Loopty’s heart and shook their heads somberly. A dark skinned woman put an oxygen mask over Lyle’s mouth and nose. Loopty’s body was zipped shut in a body bag.

“Now that evil son of a bitch is going to take over the empire we built together! Without me to share it with him, he’ll make all the god damn money in the world and become the fourth trillionaire and get all the credit!”

Loopty imagined Lyle laughing evilly as piles of dollar bills rained on him.

Back at the office, Blitzo rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that’s not really evil,” he deadpanned.

“It’s evil toward me!” Loopty exclaimed. “Now get your crimson asses up above and send that heartless no-good son of a bitch to Hell, where he belongs!”

Blitzo spoke. “You do know, Poopty…”

“Loopty!” Loopty seethed in anger. Blitzo held up his hands.

“Of course, of course. If we do kill him though and he ends up down here, you know, you will be stuck with him, forever.”

“Oh, trust me!” Loopty grinned. He summoned an array of weapons with his metal tentacles: several guns, a launcher and a spinning gear. “I’m counting on it!”

“That’s kinda hot,” Moxxie remarked as everyone glanced at him.

0 0 0

Before long, the imps were back on Earth. Blitzo looked at an elegant brown mansion through binoculars. The circular front porch was shaped like a money bag. The wrought iron fence was gold with a money symbol on the gates.

“Gee, I wonder whose house this is?” Moxxie sarcastically asked.

The imps were on a large red tour bus, wearing human disguises. They had stolen the clothes from a nearby thrift store and jumped onto the first bus they could find. The smiling tour guide wore a white shirt and a green baseball cap with a dollar sign on it. His hair was ginger and messy with a thick bang near his black eyes.

“And to your right is the home of famous inventor, Lyle Lipton.”

“Oooh!” said the impressed crowd as they snapped pictures on their cell phones.

Blitzo peered at the mansion, lowering his yellow lensed sunglasses. He had heart makeup over his eyes and wore a large clown wig colored magenta and blue. He tossed the glasses aside and grinned. Moxxie wore a dark colored top hat and suit. Millie wore a straw hat and a pink women’s outfit. Their horns stuck out from their hats.

“Let’s do it, gang!” said Blitzo.

Blitzo pulled out his flintlock pistol, Moxxie pulled out a rifle and Millie pulled out two deadly black and red swords. They leaped over the fence and posed.

“Let’s kill this rich guy!” Millie exclaimed before they all scurried forward toward the windows.

The tour guide added much too casually, “And here you’ll find three tacky stalkers about to attempt a murder! Things like this could happen to famous people all the time!”

The people kept snapping pictures.

The imps leaned against the wall before peering in through one of the large windows. Blitzo had a white cat sock puppet on his hand. The imps spotted an old Lyle bedridden in a large room. The room had portraits of money bags and one statue was of another money bag. He was connected to an IV and monitors, leaning against a sweat-stained pillow.

“Wow,” Moxxie remarked. “That machine really did a number on him.”

Inside, Lyle kissed a picture frame in his hands.

“Goodbye, my one true love.”

The picture was of a pile of dollar bills with a “free stock photos” watermark on it. He ran a wrinkled saliva covered finger down it.

“All the riches of the world cannot fill the emptiness I’m feeling now that my shitty old body can’t do anything of value.”

He somberly crafted a hangman’s noose out of the IV tube.

Blitzo beamed. “Oh, fantastic! He’s gonna do our job for us!”

“Should we go in there and tie it for him?” Moxxie wondered.

Lyle got ready to put it over his head. All the imps watched eagerly with popcorn and drinks. Just as he was about to do it, the tube glowed white and a strong force sent the imps back. Blitzo’s kitty sock blew into the air, his face crestfallen at losing it. The imps turned back around. Inside, the three cherubs floated gracefully in their own columns of sunlight.

Lyle adjusted to the light and grimaced. “Oh lord, I’m being haunted by ugly orphan children now!”

“Who the fuck are they?!” Blitzo yelled in anger. Moxxie stood up and pointed a shaking hand toward the mansion. “Oh no! Sir, those are…”

“Cherubs, Mr. Lyle!” Cletus greeted cheerfully as all three posed together.

Lyle raised a fist. “I hate filthy stinking orphan children!”

Collin spoke. “We’re here to convince you not to kill yourself, sir. To grant you a blessing…” he did a little bow. “…on behalf of those in Heaven benefited by your amazing technological advances.”

“Oh hell no!” Blitzo yelled. He stomped forward and crashed through the window, “Don’t listen…” He face-planted onto the floor among the littered glass shards. Moxxie opened a nearby door and Millie followed.

“Lyle Lipton, it is our…” Moxxie began. He glanced with concern at the fallen Blitzo and continued, “…humble opinion that you should continue the process to commit die.”

Millie walked in. “I mean, what do you expect to do with all this money now you’re old and gross?” She made disgusted faces.

“Is that a serious question?” Keenie exclaimed. She did a graceful swoop in the air. “He can help spread his wealth around with people of the world! And do so much good with it! And be so fulfilled!” She happily threw dollar bills into the air.

“No!” Lyle declared.

“He could pay for new hospitals and schools!” Collin added.

“Why won’t you let me die?” Lyle asked.

Blitzo appeared next to him with a wink. “Oh, sounds like you need help offin’ yourself there, buddy. Moxxie, what do we got for this fella?”

Moxxie rapidly tossed a variety of weapons to Blitzo, who held them in a pile in his arms.

“I have some assault weapons, crossbow, hunting bow, tommy gun, old-fashioned shotgun, revolvers in three colors, chainsaws, katanas…”

Collin glared in anger. “He’d never take his own life! He’s classier than that!”

Collin turned around to see Lyle aiming an assault rifle toward his mouth. The cherub promptly took the gun from him.

“There are still plenty of reasons to live, Mr. Lyle.”

“Yeah, right. Smells like he ain’t been out of bed in months,” Millie remarked. She sniffed, covered her mouth and retched onto the floor. Moxxie patted her back.

“Love can be beautiful at any age,” Cletus added.

“And we’ll show him!” Keenie joined in.

The cherubs cheered “Yay!” while the imps yelled “No!”

0 0 0

The cherubs lifted Lyle’s bed and set it on a hill. There was a picturesque view of a forest and a shining lake. The sun shone in the blue sky and fluffy white clouds perched in the air.

“Look around, Lyle,” smiled Cletus. “God’s gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age…or wealth!” He winked and snapped his fingers.

“If you were to end your life,” Collin added, “You’d be missing all of this!” He slowly waved an arm.

Blitzo appeared in a tiger costume as the cherubs narrowed their eyes. Blitzo made eye contact with Lyle and said with a grin, “Mhm, you’re gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?” He did a motion of a dick in a hole with his claws.

Keenie covered her mouth and the cherubs gasped. Keenie angrily pointed at him. “That is so inappropriate!”

The other two imps appeared in cat costumes. Millie appeared in a white cat costume with a red collar with a pentagram tag. She lifted two middle fingers. “Oh, kiss our ass, prude!”

Moxxie stood nervously in a black and white cat costume reminiscent of Husk (minus the red wings).

“Guys,” he said. “All this fighting is not gonna solve anything…” but Blitzo ignored him.

Blitzo shoved Lyle aside and sat next to him. “Anyway, take it from me, a fellow genius. Nature is no picnic up close.”

Lyle looked through the binoculars and saw a group of bunnies and squirrels together. The critters were suddenly torn apart and eaten by two hungry wolves. “Oh no!”

“S-stop looking!” Collin cried, trying to tug the binoculars away.

Lyle held onto the binoculars. “I can’t stop! I’ve never wanted to die more than I do now!”

A brown bear swiped one of the wolves to the ground and it whimpered. The bear raised a paw over the wolf but was promptly crushed by a falling tree. A logger grinned while operating a chainsaw. A beehive fell on his head and over his face. The logger screamed as the bees buzzed. The chainsaw flew in the air and sliced off both his arms. Then out of nowhere, a charging brown stag skewed the man with its antlers as lightning flashed in the sky.

Everyone froze in horror, even Blitzo was wide-eyed, with his paws against his face.

Cletus laughed nervously and did a motion with his arm. “Let’s go check out someplace else!”

Millie and Moxxie did a fist bump in their costumes, though Moxxie looked visibly uncomfortable.

0 0 0

The bed traveled until landing on the grass.

“Oh, lord. Where are we now?” asked Lyle. “Let me perish.”

“We’re here to show you another thing life is worth living for. Childhood wonderment!” Keenie exclaimed.

Lyle looked to see a bunch of children playing on swings and slides on a school playground by the school where Mrs. Mayberry used to teach. One boy had a “craft mine” shirt as he swung. Another boy ate his booger before climbing up the structure.

“Why, look at those sweet diseased-ridden vermin,” Lyle remarked. “Their joy comes from innocence, unspoiled by the burdens of adulthood, and their middle-class existence. Such simple joy they have. It is inspiring. Thank you for showing me this.”

Just then, Blitzo arrived in a black robber costume and ski mask. “Run, dipshits! It’s a school shooting!” Moxxie and Millie flanked him in dark hoods, Moxxie looking disappointed. Blitzo fired several rounds from his pistol into the air, scaring the kids off. Lyle cried like a baby as Keenie and Collin covered his eyes. With a worried expression on his face, Cletus moved the bed along.

0 0 0

“Eh!” Lyle spat. “This place reeks of teenagers!”

In a forest, a nearby wooden sign read “Lovers’ Lookout: I guess…” in white letters. Teens were making out and stripping in nearby cars. The sky was pink as the sun set.

Cletus flew toward Lyle. “Lovers’ Lookout, sir! We’re here to remind you of possibly life’s greatest joy of all –“

“Money!” Lyle said greedily, lifting up shaking hands.

“No; Love!” Collin smiled, hands over his heart.

“I’ve never been in love before,” said Lyle. “I imagine it’s quite nice.”

“It’s not too late, sir!” encouraged Collin. “You can still find…”

“Ha! Nice try, ugly.”

Blitzo arrived with his crew, who were all wearing dresses. Blitzo wore a pink dress with a long blonde wig, a pink frilly scarf and black hoop earrings. Moxxie wore a lavender dress and a short blonde wig. Millie wore a pink and black dress and thick eyelashes.

Blitzo pulled out his megaphone decorated with a mouth design. “Hey, horny lovers! Which one of you would fuck this old man?”

All five vehicles sped away in response. Lyle looked ejected and pooped himself.

Collin flew into Blitzo’s face. “You know, you three are so utterly c-c-cruel. We’re just trying to give hope to someone in need!”

“Oh, and you three are so superior to us, just because we want some selfish, greedy, authoritarian capitalist to kneel over dead!” Millie retorted.

“You know, you are kind of taking things too far,” Moxxie told Blitzo.

“You’re making things too real now, Moxxie,” Blitzo deadpanned. He squirted piss into Moxxie’s face from a spray bottle labeled “piss.” Moxxie flinched and hissed.

0 0 0

Meanwhile at an opera theater, a woman dressed like a Viking on a white horse sang an opera on stage. A well-dressed man in a brown suit and bow tie played a black grand piano. The cherubs were dressed formerly as well. Cletus now had a pinkish colored suit with a bow tie. Collin wore an indigo suit with a white bow tie while Keenie wore a fancy yellow dress with a red bow on it. The stage backdrop consisted of a large sun and stars.

“Behold, the wonder of art and music!” said Cletus to Lyle. “Something always here to comfort, entertain and live for!”

Up above the stage, Blitzo wagged his butt and tail like a cat in anticipation. The imps stared down at the performance.

“So, how do we make this bad?” Millie asked.

“We can’t,” Moxxie replied. “There’s literally nothing bad about opera. That’s fact.”

Blitzo wagged his butt in Moxxie’s face, his face slanted. “Unless, we ruin it somehow.”

With a mischievous grin, Blitzo grabbed hold of a stage light. He moved the spotlight around the stage. The woman briefly stopped singing and moved into the light and continued. She did the same thing again and again when the spotlight moved.

“She’s not very good,” Lyle remarked.

Blitzo moved the spotlight faster and faster, the woman raced to keep up as she sang on and off. All the cherubs and Lyle narrowed their eyes in suspicion. Millie snuck down into the shadows and used her tail to briefly trip the singer down the stairs as she tried to follow the spotlight. The crowd gasped in concern, but the singer stood up and climbed back on the stage. Millie hurried backup to Moxxie and Blitzo, unseen. Up above, Blitzo moved the light even faster until he accidentally dropped it. He gasped softly. The woman stood under the spotlight and let out a final note before the stage light crushed her underneath.

The audience, the cherubs and Lyle all screamed as a pool of blood was visible on the stage floor. The man at the piano nervously tried to keep playing.

“Oh, at least we made it bad,” Blitzo said.

“Not good, sir,” Moxxie glowered, furious and worried about the whole operation.

“That’s it!” Cletus yelled as he and the cherubs flew angrily toward the imps. “I have had it!” He pointed a finger at the three imps. “You three monsters have messed with us enough!” He made a swiping motion with an arm.

“D’ooh,” Collin stuttered, trying not to get angry. “We’re just trying to do our j-j-job!”

“Well, so are we!” yelled Millie.

“Enough!” Cletus screamed as he and his crew summoned golden crossbows with heart tips on the arrows. The bows were different colors unique to them: periwinkle for Collin, pink for Cletus and yellow for Keenie. They each aimed their crossbows at the imps.

“We are saving that shitty old man’s life whether he wants it or not!” Cletus declared.

“B-but don’t forget that he’s still just a flawed human. We could t-teach him so much-” Collin began, before Keenie spat to her colleague, “Shut it! We don’t have time for that.”

“Well someone wants that fucker dead, m’kay?” said Blitzo. “And he paid in advance and I spent it all on this…”

Blitzo held up a green horse figure decorated with colored gems and sunglasses. It had a baseball cap with “mare-ajuanna” on it. He put it away.

“…so he’s gotta go!”

Keenie flew into Blitzo’s face. “You are all such disgusting, loathsome beasts! Your kind is nothing but dirt that shitty dead people tread on! And now, you’re trying to meddle with the lives of humans?!”

“So are you!” spat Millie, barring her sharp teeth. She pulled Keenie down by her necklace. “So why don’t you shut your trap, you judgmental, cotton candy tit-havin’ bitch?!”

Both women growled.

“Filthy demon crap!” screeched Keenie, ramming into Millie.

Intense opera music played as the fight scene began. Keenie and Millie rolled over in a cat fight on the floor. Cletus and Collin shot golden arrows at Blitzo and Moxxie, who raced down the catwalk, dodging them. The golden arrows sparkled and dissipated. Moxxie ran and jumped down, swinging from a rope. He held a pistol in one hand and aimed it at Keenie. Keenie and Millie fought in the air, Millie slapping the cherub across the face several times. Moxxie fired at a rope which released a bag. The bag separated Keenie and Millie and Moxxie caught Millie. Moxxie and Millie grabbed each other’s faces with lustful grins. They French-kissed with their long snake-like tongues, as they spun around and fired their weapons through the air. Millie’s bra fell off and Moxxie lost his bow tie, both spotted by Blitzo. The arrows and bullets hit and killed the audience members in the first two rows, minus Lyle.

Reflected in one of Lyle’s eyes, Moxxie and Millie were French-kissing and in his other eye, Collin and Keenie were aiming their crossbows. Lyle then pondered his life.

“It’s all starting to make sense now. Life is worth living because we only get one. We must cherish it. If creatures far beyond this world are going through these lengths over my life, then certainly it’s worth living. Killing myself is not the answer. Plus, I’m still rich! I can just buy all the things! I no longer crave death!”

He stood and held dollar bills in both hands in triumph. The remaining audience members clapped before they were shot down as well.

Blitzo ran along metal scaffolding with his flintlock pistol and jumped onto another one attached with rope. Cletus aimed his crossbow at Blitzo but in the blink of an eye, Blitzo tossed his weapon into Cletus’ face.

“Ah! You fucker!” screamed the cherub. Blinded by the impact, he accidentally shot an arrow at the rope, causing the scaffolding to fall down to the stage floor, taking Blitzo and the imps with it. The scaffolding narrowly missed the pianist. The man straightened up his bowtie and used his stool to step down from the higher leveled floor part. The piano was then sent flying into the air.

I.M.P. and C.H.E.R.U.B. followed the falling piano with their eyes. Lyle screamed in terror as he scrambled over and off his bed, wearing a diaper. He cowered in another seat before the piano landed and crushed him.

Moxxie and Millie were tied up together on the floor. “Well, well. Would ya look at that?” Moxxie said. All the imps shared smug grins. “You did our job for us! Heh!” Millie smirked and gave the cherubs two middle fingers. All three cherubs gasped in horror.

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my God!” cried Collin.

Keenie slapped Collin across the face. “Get a hold of yourself, Collin! And do not use the Lord’s name in vain!”

Cletus glared one last time at the imps. “This isn’t over!”

The cherubs summoned a colorful portal to Heaven and flew through it…but then were suddenly repelled back.

“What the?!” Cletus asked.

Five more cherubs came through the portal. Rachel, a white sheep, Beau, a gray sheep with a bow, Honey, a bee, and Bea, another bee. The four hovered with their hands in prayer. The last cherub, the leader, was a brown deer dressed in purple overalls, a lavender shirt and a pink ribbon. Deerie conjured up reading glasses and a clipboard.

She spoke to the cherubs in a condescending manner. “Mmm, yeah, no sorry, Cletus, but I’m afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human. I’m afraid you can’t re-enter Heaven. Yeah, no…”

“What?!” cried the three C.H.E.R.U.B. members in disbelief.

Deerie chuckled. “Yeah, mm, sorry. Yeah, no…”

“Is there anything we can do?” Collin asked with a whimper. Deerie filed her hoof before chuckling again. “Yeah, no! Oh no, no, no.” She then said “no” to Collin, Cletus and Keenie as she pointed her front hooves at them. All of them had tears in their eyes.

“Uh! But we didn’t mean to!” Keenie pleaded. “We never! It was all…”

She pointed down to the scaffolding where I.M.P. was, but they had already left for Hell. Keenie screamed in horror and her companions gasped, eyes wide.

Deerie just smiled, “Anyway, sorry guys. But those are the rules, yeah!”

She did a happy wave and a “Bye!” as she and her group of cherubs flew back up through the portal.

“Wait! But…” Cletus flew up toward the portal but it had already closed. Cletus sniffled, then cried a river of tears from his eyes. The other cherubs also broke down into sobs.

0 0 0

Meanwhile back in Hell, Blitzo clapped his hands together.

“Welp, the old man wanted to live again and we didn’t kill him, so we failed.”

Blitzo began to walk toward the hole in the wall before stopping.

“Thanks to those fucking cherubs, he’s probably up in Heaven now so, it’s a shame.”

He stared forlornly at the red sky and the city buildings. “All our client wanted was eternal revenge on his business partner. And now, the two are forever separated. And now, we gotta face the fire of fuckin' up.”

“Sir, when are you going to tell the client?” Moxxie asked in concern.

Blitzo turned around. “Oh, I already sent him a text and, we’re in good hands ‘cause texts don’t make people angry.”

The texts on his phone read “U fail, U die.” Blitzo responded with “Sorry” surrounded by emojis with “saxophone emoji” a line below.

Crash!

A metal plank crashed into the room from above as Moxxie scurried out of the way. Loopty Goopty strolled down the plank. “Blitz!”

“Loofa!” Blitzo called, saying his name wrong. “We can explain everything. I was…”

Crash!

Millie pulled Moxxie out of the way before another metal plank landed in the spot where he would’ve been. From on the floor, Blitzo’s butt was very much in view. Blitzo glanced down at him and remarked, “Oh chill out Moxxie, if you kiss my ass any harder you’ll go right inside me.”

Moxxie turned beet red in the face and scooted further back. Millie helped him up again.

“Thanks for saving me again,” Moxxie said. “I would’ve foamed at the mouth and maybe died again.”

“Why would you think I would ever ignore you?”

Moxxie shrugged.

Just then, the demonic form of a man rolled down the plank. His body was black and spherical, with a mint green head wearing a black bowler hat on top. He had a large bushy light gray mustache and pince-nez goggles with dark red spirals on the lens like Loopty. His grinning teeth resembled piano keys.

“Lyle Lipton?!” Millie, Moxxie, and Blitzo asked in unison.

“I don’t understand,” said Millie. “We thought you went to Heaven.”

Lyle Lipton chuckled. “Heaven?” He rolled toward Loopty Goopty. “You don’t make millions in technological advances in robotics by not experimenting on the poor!” He laughed.

Loopy Goopty grinned as he unleashed his weapons in front of Lyle Lipton. “Finally! We meet again at last! Now that you’re dead, you have no money to keep from me!”

“Well, I’m a better inventor than you!” Lyle scoffed. “And I’ll make the most money here first!”

“Nonsense you no good son of a bitch!”

“Tie yourself in a knot, loony Loopty!”

“Roll in your grave, fat shit inventor!”

“Two robotic inventors?!” called a nearby voice. A steampunk blimp hovered in the air and a well-dressed snake demon appeared from a hole in his ship.

“Who is that guy?” Lyle Lipton asked.

“I’m the one and only Sir Pentious!” he declared. Several Egg Bois were steering his ship. The eye on his dark top hat peered at the other sinners in curiosity. “With my dominating machines, I aim to take over all of Pentagram City!” Then he muttered, “The repairs were a fucking nightmare to endure.” He glanced at the leftover cracks and holes on the metal sides of his ship.

“Oooh!” Loopty exclaimed in admiration. “I’ve only seen such inventions in old time history books. How long have you been here?”

“Since eighteen eighty eight!”

“Love the loopy numbers!” Loopty grinned, making three small eights with his contraptions. “I’m Loopty Goopty! Lyle is my could’ve been partner in crime but actually rival!”

“When you’re rich as me, who needs a dead partner!” Lyle exclaimed.

“You’re dead too, you know!”

“Where did you cowardly sinners get here?” Sir Pentious asked.

“Well we just got here,” Lyle called. “Experimenting on the poor made us millionaires! Just…be careful when messing with anti-aging machines. Made us both old.”

“A machine that changes one’s age?” Sir Pentious pondered. “That could prove to be ussseful in the future,” he hissed.

“Oh, you should join us, snake man!” Loopy suggested. “Or me, rather.”

Sir Pentious briefly glared. “Hmm. While I’m perfectly capable of spreading my constrictive terror on my own…I suppose having some…lackey sidekicks would suffice.”

“Don’t call us lackeys!” Lyle sneered. “And I’m not working with him!”

“Maybe if we briefly collaborate as a team…”

Lyle grumbled in annoyance.

After a moment, Sir Pentious sighed. “Okay, you may join me, but…”

He spread out his hood, revealing pink eyes. “Don’t even think about crossssing me.” He pulled his hood back. “Now go gather your contraptions and help me manage those scrambled fucking eggs!”

A bunch of eggs in top hats and suits rolled out and jumped on the two inventors, who were stunned.

Loopty then laughed evilly. “Inventors to inventors it is!”

Just then, Wally Wackford popped out of the ground in the room.

“Did someone say, I say inventors?! Name’s Wally Wackford, and I am lookin’ for creative new people to exploit! I mean employ.” He twirled his mustache with an evil grin.

“Everyone, stop fucking up my walls!” Blitzo yelled. “Moxxie’s gonna have to fix all this shit! Satan’s balls! First we deal with Heaven’s table-scraps, now this?”

Wally Wackford smiled. “Well I guess you can say, you say, you have a holey operation here, Blitzo!”

Wally Wackford slapped his knee and laughed at his own joke.

“Get out,” Blitzo muttered.

Wally Wackford doubled down on the floor laughing. “Oh! I said, ‘o’!”

Blitzo yelled, “No, I’m serious, get the fuck out!”

Everyone in the room looked at Blitzo in shock and surprise.

0 0 0

Cletus, Keenie and Collin broke down in heavy tears as they surveyed the area around them. The audience lay slumped and dead in their seats after being shot with arrows and bullets. Metal scaffolding lay bent and wrecked on the wooden stage where Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie were moments before. The former opera singer now lay dead and crushed underneath a stage light that had fallen on top of her. And underneath a broken piano lay the dead crushed body of Lyle Lipton, the elderly inventor they had tried to save.

The scene was eerie and empty. The nervous well-dressed piano guy had promptly fled the scene, traumatized after the events. And those accursed imps had jumped through a portal back to Hell in triumph.

As Cletus cried some more, fountains of tears sprung from his eyes. Keenie and Collin rushed in to comfort him. The trio had never felt so vulnerable before.

“I…I can’t believe this!” Cletus wailed. “We were so close to helping out that man…even though he was shitty and old…”

“Language,” chided Keenie.

Cletus continued. “We did everything right, but now we can’t get back through.”

“It’s not…completely your fault,” Collin said, putting a hoof on his leader’s back in comfort. “It was all an accident.”

Cletus raised an eyebrow at his comrade. “What do you mean ‘not completely?’”

“Well…” Collin began.

“You’re right, it was those imps’ doing!” Keenie interrupted, her white lacy wings flapping in frustration. “If only Deerie had seen what they were doing to us.”

The three took some deep breaths and sobs as they slowly calmed down. With a wave of his hand, their fancy dresses and tuxedos clothes were replaced by their regular outfits: reddish overalls for Cletus, a light blue shirt and white bow tie for Collin and a yellow dress for Keenie.

“What do we do now?” Collin asked, almost in a whisper.

“First thing’s first,” said Cletus. “We find a safe place to stay for a while. Who knows how long we’ll have to stay on Earth?” The others nodded in agreement.

“Urgh,” Keenie scowled. “First those filthy demonic trash decide to mock us and now we have to live among these…messy mortals?”

“Oh come on,” Collin gave a small smile as the three left the theater. They looked again sadly at the deceased humans and made crosses with their hands before flying away through an open window. “Things will work out. We’ve helped humans all the time. Surely they can’t be that bad!”

The three of them later gasped in sheer horror on the streets in a nearby town. A homeless man sat on a corner smoking a cigarette, while his comrade vomited alcohol down a sewer drain. A large man with a mustache ripped off a woman’s shirt as she leaned into him with a messy kiss in an alleyway. A skinny thief snatched a woman’s purse before he was brutally shot in the head by a man with a baseball cap. Two men were fighting each other and swearing, one of them landing a punch that toppled the other to the ground. As a policeman dragged a body away, a nearby band blared on bloodstained instruments. The logo on the drum read “Hail Satan!” in red messy paint.

A group of men sitting on a bench glanced at the cherubs hungrily.

“Anyone want mutton chops tonight?” The others laughed and displayed sinister grins.

C.H.E.R.U.B. stood with open mouths for several seconds. Cletus laughed nervously and made a motion with his arm and fist. “Let’s go check out someplace else!”

The three took to the sky, trying not to look at the watchful eyes of passerby.

Collin’s fluffy light indigo ears perked up. “Hey, I know what we can do! We can keep doing our job like before, helping people in need! Now that those imps are back in Hell, we are free to do what we like.”

Keenie shook her head. “As much as I want to, I don’t think we should just yet. I’m worried that we’ll just cause more deaths.”

“I might have to agree as well,” said Cletus. “I mean, how can we tell anyone about our accomplishments if we aren’t in Heaven anymore?”

“I miss my mom and dad,” Collin whined. “How will they react when they find out about what we’ve done?” He gasped. “What if they already know? What if all of Heaven knows and now sees us as…one of them?”

The others gasped.

“You don’t mean…” Keenie began.

Cletus rapidly shook his head. “No, no, no, no! I refuse to believe that our one mistake would lead us into becoming demons!”

“What if…it’s already too late?” Keenie wondered in fear.

Collin imagined all three of them trapped in long black demonic hands, their wings and halos gone. Flames turning their eyes red and their skin a charred black. The pale face of Lucifer towering behind them and letting out a maniacal laugh.

“Oh my gosh, oh my god!” Collin cried, his eyes wide as he shook his head free of the fear.

Keenie slapped him hard on the head. “Hey, I told you to not use the Lord’s name in vain!” Collin sobbed again and rubbed his large white wool of hair as he flew beside them.

The setting sun turned the sky a brilliant orange as the three cherubs searched for a safe place to stay the night. Their white feathery wings and halos glowed and flickered in the fading light. Their silhouettes followed the setting sun before they landed in a quieter part of town. Neon signs were already humming in the twilight. From inside nearby windows, several woman were wearing dark lace and high heeled boots, pole-dancing to upbeat music. The cherubs huddled close together, staying under streetlights to avoid the dark unknown. Their wings flapped silently as they moved forward inches off the ground.

“I miss Heaven’s comforting light,” Keenie sighed. “And God’s light most of all. It seems like this place is devoid of it.”

“There’s always good somewhere in the world,” said Collin with a hopeful expression. “You just have to know where to look.”

“The only thing I see are shabby buildings and humans indulging in their disgusting desires,” Cletus remarked. He mentioned to a nearby man who burped loudly after stuffing an entire pizza into his mouth. “The sooner we get home, the better.”

Collin took a piece of cheese he bought and popped it into his mouth. He grumbled. “The food here is prison food in comparison to what we have back home. It just tastes so…bland and heavy.”

Keenie munched half-heartedly on a carrot. “It’s still edible at least.”

“Demons eat nothing but raw meat,” Cletus added. “Back up above, we could enjoy all the vegetables, holy fruits, and drinks we wanted. Every day was an endless buffet…”

“Stop making me hungry,” Collin remarked. They fell into silence as a nightly breeze ruffled their clothing and wooly fur.

“I think we should get human disguises soon,” Collin later mentioned as they hovered over the sidewalk.

“Yeah, like those hideous costumes worked out well for those imps,” Cletus rolled his eyes. “Relax, Collin. I’m sure some of the humans will notice and treat us with the respect I…um, we deserve.”

Collin huffed. “I sure hope so.” He clapped his large front hooves together nervously as if trying to say something. As they continued hovering past some alleyways, a low growl was heard. Keenie paused, her hair stood on end.

“Guys…what was that?” Keenie asked, looking around.

“Probably just Collin’s stomach,” Cletus mentioned.

“No, I swear it wasn’t me,” he said. “Through I am very hungry.”

The growling grew louder…it seemed to be coming from behind them. The three slowly turned around and spotted a figure in the shadows. It was a large gray canine with beady black eyes…and very sharp teeth. Drool dribbled onto the ground by its paws.

The cherubs screamed and scattered away in flight. The dog barked loudly and raced after them. The cherubs zoomed up ahead, avoiding passing cars and maneuvering around figures of people. They zoomed over black trash bags as the dog barreled through them at high speed. The dog raced on all fours, snapping its jaws as it moved closer to them.

“Get back!” Keenie called, moving her yellow hooves in a frantic kick, just missing its face. The beast just grabbed at her dress with its teeth and yanked.

“Aaaahhhh! Get off, you beast!” she cried.

Cletus yelled in fury and raised his hand in the air as he flew. He then glanced upward in sheer shock.

“I can’t summon my golden crossbow!”

Collin flew nearby, muttering a prayer while shaking. He took a deep breath and sped toward the dog. He landed a punch to the dog’s eyes…and with a yelp, the dog let go of Keenie’s dress with a rip. Keenie gasped and shook herself. “My dress!” she cried as she stared at the torn slobbery hole. “Look at my dress!”

“Be thankful it’s not your backside,” Cletus mentioned. Keenie seethed at him as Collin came flying back toward them, the dog at his heels. Keenie shoved Collin backwards toward the dog, sending the both of them tumbling to the ground.

Cletus and Keenie flew as fast as they could until Keenie spotted a beacon in the distance. A tall brick building had a large white Christian Cross on top of it, appearing golden as the sun continued to set. Several stained glass windows showed images of Jesus and the Virgin Mary surrounded by golden backgrounds. Even more spectacular was a nearby towering Christmas tree decorated with gold and silver ornaments and a six pointed star at the top.

“A church!” she called. “Hurry!”

They landed in front of the large wooden double doors, catching their breath.

“My wings are sore,” Cletus groaned.

“No more flying for a while,” Keenie agreed.

Cletus knocked politely on the door. “Hello? Anybody in there?”

So far, no answer.

Just then, they heard panting from behind them. They whirled around…only to find Collin hunched over, his clothes torn up. There were several scratches all over him.

“Oh Collin, thank goodness,” Cletus sighed in relief.

“Keenie…” Collin began. “What was that back there?! I’m lucky I escaped at all!”

“I had to distract the dog so we could get away,” she said.

Collin glared and stomped one of his cloven feet. “That’s the second time you pushed me in harm’s way! And the first time was with a whole pack of wild animals!”

“You’re still fine, right?” she asked.

Collin let out a “ha!” followed by a “no.”

“Don’t ever do that again,” he said, folding his arms. The cherubs waved their hands and their clothes and skin were repaired.

Just then, the door solely opened. A woman dressed in a black robe stared into the distance. “Hello?”

“Down here,” said Cletus. She looked down with surprise in her eyes.

“May I help you?”

“Hi,” said Cletus. “We got lost from our home and now we have nowhere to go. May we stay for a bit?”

The woman peered closer at them, narrowing her eyes. “You three look familiar…”

The cherubs gulped. Seconds dragged on.

“Do I know you?”

“Um…” Cletus began, sweat trickling down his forehead.

“Of course!” she called, standing up. “You’re those guardian angels who go out and save people, yes?”

Cletus stood proudly. “Yep, that’s us!” The other two let out soft gasps and looked at Cletus in worry.

The woman looked around. “Hurry, inside now,” she said. “The world is full of people willing to take advantage of you savior children.”

The cherubs bowed in thanks before heading through the door.

“Technically, I’m twenty-four,” Cletus muttered.

“I thought we were hundreds of years old,” wondered Keenie.

Collin grinned, redness briefly spreading to his cheeks. “You’re so beautiful, you don’t look a year over two-hundred.”

Keenie “bahed” at him in annoyance before they made it into the main chamber. The high vaulted ceiling made even the cherub angels feel small. The sky was a dark indigo through the opening above. Rows of arched gaps circled the area near the ceiling, and stone pillars held the ceiling on either side. The floor was in a black and white checkered pattern while a few Greek inspired designs caught Cletus’ attention. The rows of seats were polished and clean, and several white candles were lit in holders, emitting a peaceful glow.

The woman made way for them and came back with a bowl of fruit and grass. Collin munched on blueberries, Keenie on pineapple slices and Cletus started on red apples. Cletus stared into the apple’s red surface. “Just like the Garden of Eden,” he said to himself. “When Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge, she had disobeyed God’s order. She gave the fruit to Adam who then ate one. God banished them from the Garden, cursed them to grow old and die…thus began the fall of man…”

Cletus stared closely at the apple’s surface, the red morphing into the face of a red goat. A grin of sharp white teeth, red eyes surrounded by black, a glowing black Ring with a Roman numeral five on it…

“Are you okay?” Collin asked.

Cletus whipped his head to Collin. “Oh yes, I’m fine, I’m fine,” he said, forcing a grin.

Cletus turned and set the apple aside.

“I sure hope we don’t age too,” Keenie added in concern. “I don’t want to lose my pretty face and looks.”

“That inventor managed to survive for a while,” Collin said.

“Barely,” Cletus mentioned.

“We’re still angels,” mentioned Collin. “It is very rare for us to be erased from existence without good reason…”

“Please don’t say such things!” mumbled Keenie.

The woman went up to the ornate alter and poured in some herbs into an incense burner. The smell of frankincense and myrrh calmed the cherubs down after a while.

“I’ll leave you to it,” said the woman. “Stay for as long as you need but stay out of sight more often than naught. If you need anything, just let me know. Be careful dear sheep babies.”

“Bless you miss,” said Cletus.

The cherubs bowed in thanks as she left.

“Sheep babies?” Cletus scowled. “I’m not a freaking baby!”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Collin.

Keenie walked up to a stone basin nearby as Collin and Cletus bickered for a bit. Gazing in a small pool of holy water, Keenie thought she saw a ghostly face of a pale woman with long blonde hair, a black crown and large curved horns. The face briefly shifted to another white face with orange eyes and flaming wild auburn colored hair. She blinked a few times and it was gone. She only saw her wide-eyed reflection faintly on the surface. She turned away and arrived beside her comrades.

The altar before them was made of gold, as was the ornate cross situated on top.

Keenie, Collin and Cletus knelt down in prayer, tears falling from their faces.

“Oh mighty Lord, please have mercy on us,” Cletus said. “Please forgive us for the mistakes we made here on Earth.”

“Father…we only tried to help a broken man get onto the right path,” Keenie said. “We didn’t mean to kill him.”

“We just want to go home,” Collin added. “We’ll take whatever punishment you give us but please…tell us if there is anything we can do…”

More moments passed as night fell. Stars and a moon were visible through the glass windows.

“God help the outcasts,” Collin chanted softly. “God help our cherub people. We look to you still. If you can’t help us, nobody will.”

“I ask for glory. I ask for fame. I ask for redemption to shine on our name,” added Cletus.

Keenie continued the chant.  “We ask for your guidance, a way to get by. Help us right our fate, listen to our cry.”

Cletus finished, “Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, please watch over us.”

All three said “Amen!” before a colorful portal of clouds opened above them. The cherubs each looked up.

“Lord Gabriel?” asked Cletus. “Is that you?”

A sound of clapping hooves greeted them, followed by a haughty laugh.

“My my, what a marvelous…pitiful performance!”

The brown furry face of a winged deer cherub came into view. A sense of smugness and superiority was clearly reflected in her eyes.

“Deerie?!” the cherubs cried, their faces morphing into angry scowls.

“Wow, I’d expect a more proper welcome from deferential devotees such as yourselves. The human world getting to you so soon?”

“What are you doing here?” Keenie asked. “We called for Gabriel.”

“Gabriel sends you his best regards, and says that you guys can rise again and be fully redeemed after a while…”

The cherubs smiled until she added, “Heheh, yeah, no.”

Their faces fell.

“I’m afraid you guys can’t re-enter Heaven, like I said before. Nothing you can do about it. Rules and all.”

Cletus turned red in the face. “But it was an accident! The imps fought us off. They were the ones trying to kill Lyle Lipton!”

“But they didn’t, correct? Based on what Heaven has seen, you three not only killed Lyle unintentionally…but you caused much more death and suffering.”

“What?!” all three cried out.

Collin thought back to all the dead audience members. They had been so involved in fighting off their rivals that they didn’t even notice them.

“It was I.M.P.’s fault!” Keenie argued.

“Yes, but you also played a role in it,” Deerie explained. “You blindly shot your arrow, which later caused the piano to crush the old man. We see everything, you know.”

Cletus then turned to Collin. “About that time earlier when you said it ‘wasn’t completely my fault…’”

Collin stood his ground. “It was though. It was all our faults.” He jabbed a hoof into Cletus. “But you were so adamant to kill off those imps that you didn’t consider who else would be at risk. We should’ve taken the fight outside! I tried to tell you guys earlier!”

“You’re a literal sheep,” Cletus replied, getting into Collin’s face. “You never said a word; you just followed my orders like you were supposed to.”

“Those imps are nothing more than dirt that the dead tread on,” Keenie added. “We may be angels, but we never go down without a fight. Surely you’d do well with being less of a wimp, Collin.”

Collin scoffed. “I’m sorry. I thought we were supposed to be the good guys. The loving guardians who actually help those we meet. I just realized that we didn’t let Lyle Lipton learn his little lesson.”

“Five times fast,” Cletus snickered, but Collin ignored him.

“We didn’t tell Lyle how sinful it is to be so immersed in his own greed. He really could’ve used his riches for good if we had stayed to help him like we were supposed to! We should’ve explained to our victims why any of their bad behaviors were wrong. But instead we just left them all behind!”

“What did you think we were trying to do?!” Keenie yelled. “We showed him nature, childhood wonderment, young love and the arts. And it would’ve worked if it weren’t for those meddlesome…”

“You done?” Deerie casually asked in the air. She finished filing her hooves and had a bag of popcorn with her. The cherubs turned back to her.

“Far from it, bitch!” Keenie yelled.

“Language!” Collin warned.

“You three have learned nothing, huh? You see scraps, I was briefly summoned here by you guys and I gotta get back soon, so I may as well elaborate on your consequences. Let’s see…”

Deerie summoned her clipboard and her reading glasses. On her notepad, she had drawn cats and Invader Zim characters. A side note read “more musical episodes?”

“Not only did you kill one human, but you also killed multiple mortals in the theater. This has made Azrael, the Angel of Death very upset. There are many people that are chosen to die at certain times and let me tell you, having to cross and uncross multiple names can get pretty irksome.”

The cherubs stood silent.

“In other words, you’re also in trouble for simply…oh I don’t know…doing a business and going to Earth without the permission from your superiors! A big no-no.”

“But we were saving people’s lives, and teaching them God’s true path…” Cletus began.

“…or more than likely, saving humans just to boost about your company accomplishments.”

“I knew it!” Collin called, glaring at Cletus. “Our main purpose is to help humans because it’s the right thing to do. I knew I should have stayed at my record-keeping job.”

“You and Keenie thought joining C.H.E.R.U.B. with me was a good idea and it was!” Cletus protested.

“Cherubs are supposed to do various record keeping for soul count, religions, sins and choices made by humans etc.,”Deerie said. “Just proves that I do my job better than you three after all!”

Keenie smirked. “You sure you’re still not jealous because we got to go on exciting adventures? That we became more famous than you?”

Deerie chuckled. “More like infamous now. Cletus especially, you gave into your pride and wrath during the fight. You cherubs are supposed to help spread the holy word of God, and not go into the human world unless necessary.”

The cherubs lowered their heads a bit.

“Not to mention several people you saved ended up as criminals. You know, the kind of people who abuse their children, scam others into giving them money, enslaving citizens in other countries…”

“How were we supposed to know all of that?!” Keenie cried. “We saved their lives at the request of their loved ones in Heaven!”

“Which, in turn can cause more global suffering and even an altering of history itself,” Deerie explained. “Lyle was destined to die and go to Hell anyway. Your actions are not befitting to your titles as cherubs in the first place. I’m surprised no one has managed to sell you on the black market yet. I guess you can be referred to as…black sheep now!”

Deerie burst into laughter, slapping her furry knees.

“Get out,” Cletus muttered.

Deerie laughed some more, wiping tears from her large eyes. “Oh dearie me, I’m so clever!”

Cletus thought he saw a grinning man’s face with red eyes and licking his lips behind Deerie.

Cletus shook the vision away before yelling, “No I’m serious, get the fuck out!”

“Language!” the other three shouted, their voices echoing in the vast space. The silence was deafening. Or the noises were hearing.

“Well then, I wish you three a fun time on Earth,” Deerie said. “Feel free to not call me again. I have no use dealing with fallen sheep anyway.”

“Can you at least tell us what will happen to us next?” Collin asked.

“Oh that’s actually pretty simple,” Deerie explained.  “I.M.P. will be dealt with in due time. But as for you three…”

She pointed her hooves at Collin, Cletus and Keenie, who each gasped in turn. “In Gabriel’s words: ‘You will still redeem and protect human souls but this time under closer supervision. You will learn to live among them for a while in the hopes that your arrogance toward those different from yourselves will subside over time. Only after your true redemption may you return to Heaven. I have the utmost faith in you.’ End quote.”

The three cherubs sighed in relief.

“Oh one last thing,” Deerie grinned. “I forgot to tell you the best part.” Collin and the others did not like the look on her face.

Deerie continued. “Now that you’re here on Earth, you will all be vulnerable to human emotions and sins. Pride, greed, lust, anger, you know it.”

“Not gonna happen lady,” Keenie spat with her hands on her hips.

“Everyone save for God has flaws. You didn’t think that redeeming yourselves would be a stroll in the clouds did you?”

The cherubs looked at each other.

“Yeah, so basically you all have a limited time to prove yourselves on Earth. A couple days at the very least?”

Collin whimpered with droopy ears as his white halo above him briefly flickered.

“Yeah, so if you don’t complete your mission in time…it’s a one-way trip down for you!”

The cherubs yelled while grabbing onto each other.

“Yes indeed!” Deerie said. “I can see you three reluctantly joining up with I.M.P.’s rivals to enact your revenge, turning into the winged devils you were destined to become!”

“Nooooooo!” they cried in horror.

Deerie then let out a childish laugh, waving her hoof. “But hey, that’s just a theory! I look forward to hearing about your…pandemonium adventures in the next few episodes!”

Deerie waved and called, “That’s a wrap! Bye!”

Cletus charged at her again, but she vanished through the portal and it closed.

“No, no, no!” Cletus sobbed again, his co-workers comforting him.

After several minutes, the cherubs stared at the stars and moon through one long window.

“You know guys,” Collin admitted, “Though you might be a pain in my behind at times, you’re still like my family. Whether we’re in Heaven, Earth or Hell…we can get through anything as long as we stick together.”

Keenie gave Collin a comforting side hug. Cletus soon joined in and he sighed. “That’s one thing we can all agree on.”

After staring at the heavens, Cletus said, “We’d better rest up…we have lots of work to do.”

The three cherubs huddled together underneath another Christmas tree, sleeping on a comfortable red rug.

Though the mighty had fallen, they could only hope that the meek could rise.

Chapter Text

Yet Another Mission

Sunlight cast a cheerful reddish light against the polished walls of the exterior of Stolas’ palace. The double doors displayed half a sun and a crescent moon on them, while thin see-through drapes curved over the balcony. Stolas’ sigil glowed on the wall below the balcony. An array of coffin-shaped stained glass windows added to the decorative design.

Inside Stolas’ bedroom, Stolas let out a deep sigh of passion. Sunlight shone through the stained glass windows. The tied up curtains, walls and hanging banners all bore small crowns within the family crest designs. Blitzo lit up a cigarette and proceeded to smoke with his hands folded behind his head against the pillows. Blitzo glanced over as Stolas leaned his head toward him.

Stolas smiled. “I’m sorry for having to move our little rendezvous early. I have an engagement this month on the full moon.”

Stolas briefly moved his head upside down playfully. His gray feathery chest was visible, with leather straps crossing his chest and shoulders. Both his black hands were tied over his head with rope to the headboard. A red ball gag was around his neck and a harness. Blitzo’s chest was a natural red and white and a small black sleeveless jacket was the only thing he wore.

Blitzo reached up and pressed his cigarette tip against the rope, freeing Stolas’ hands. Stolas took a long drag from Blitzo’s cigarette.

“When this happens, it’s not really something I fuss about,” Blitzo mentioned. “But do you really need the book for this farm bullshit? I have like fifteen new clients waiting for heads to roll.”  Blitzo tapped a finger to his palm several times for emphasis.

“As shocking as it may seem, Blitzy, my grimoiiiire is actually incredibly important,” said Stolas. “And it isn’t supposed to be lent out to itty-bitty imps like yourself.”

Stolas put out the cigarette on Blitzo’s head and pinched the imp’s cheeks. An annoyed Blitzo grunted and shoved his hand away.

“The Harvest Moon is a very special occasion!” Stolas explained. “It’s been my annual duty to showcase it in the Ring of Wrath.” Stolas flexed his thin dark arms while Blitzo pulled a stray white feather out of his mouth in disgust. “It’s celebrated by a very charming little festival with the locals,” Stolas added. Stolas rested his head on his hand close to Blitzo.

“Wrath, huh?” Blitzo asked. “My employees are from there. I’ve never really been there. I’ve heard it’s full of inbred chucklefucks.”

Stolas sat up in excitement. “Oh! Why don’t you all join me at the festival? I can guarantee you all…”

With a playful shake of his shoulders, Stolas pulled the cover over his head. His grinning face then appeared near Blitzo’s crotch.

“…special access.” Stolas chuckled, holding onto Blitzo’s legs.

“Look, I told you, we’re not bodyguards, okay?” Blitzo explained. “That was a one-time thing we did badly.” The Loo-Loo Land event wasn’t something he’d forget anytime soon.

“I’m simply offering a work-free day of fun!” Stolas mentioned. He stood up with the covers on his head and did a playful owl head tilt. “I feel quite safe at the Harvest Festival. It's the same every year.” He smiled, eyes briefly closed.

Blitzo sighed. “Well if you promise this isn’t some fuck fest invite, it does sound like it could be a blast and a half. Plus, it’s not like we can do jack shit without your book anyway.”

Stolas leaned toward Blitzo and spoke in a baby talk voice. “Aww, I’m sowwy your clients will have to wait.”

Blitzo chuckled and waved a dismissive hand. “Oh, fuck my clients!”

0 0 0

Meanwhile, a yellow billboard displayed the face of the jester Fizzaroli. The sign read “Own Fizzaroli Bot Today.” The sign was above Moxxie and Millie’s dilapidated house. The windows were boarded up or broken in several places. The two imps slept peacefully in their bed. The design on the magenta headboard was heart-like and resembled imp horns. The top was decorated with pinkish diamond designs, while several daggers and knives were stuck into it.

Just then, Moxxie’s phone lit up beside a white alarm clock with a music note on it. An organ sound from the Phantom of the Opera played from his cell phone. Moxxie groggily opened his glowing yellow eyes, pressed a finger to the phone and turned over.

The note blared again.

Moxxie pulled the covers over his head before grabbing the phone and sitting up.

“What do you want, sir?” Moxxie asked groggily. He wore lavender striped pajamas.

“Hey, hope I didn’t wake ya, Mox!” called Blitzo’s voice. “How would you and Mils like to visit the Wrath Ring for some harvest bullshit this year?”

Millie sat up in excitement, wearing a black tank top. “The Harvest Moon Festival?! Yee-fucking-haw!”

Moxxie pinched his nose and sighed in annoyance. “Well, Millie likes the idea.” He paused. “Wait…where are you calling from?”

Blitzo then fell down onto the bed in surprise, his phone bonking his head. He had been spying from the ceiling and was now purring.

Moxxie narrowed his eyes. “Of course.”

0 0 0

Before long, the I.M.P. members were traveling along the road in the Ring of Wrath. (They had traveled from the Pride Ring via a magic elevator: the Hellevator ™.) The sky was a brownish orange with dusty colored clouds in a spiral shape. A tall wooden arched sign was decorated with barbed wire and had a carved eye design and a cow skull attached. The sign read “Rough N’ Tumbleweed Ranch.” Millie wore a torn red sleeveless jacket, a torn black tank top and matching shorts. Moxxie wore a long sleeve white shirt with a dark gray bow tie and long dark pants. Blitzo wore red tipped and black cowboy boots, dark pants, suspenders, a collared long sleeve white shirt and a jacket with red and white spot patterns. Loona wore black shorts with torn red trim, a black tank top and a red plaid sleeveless jacket.

Blitzo drove the dark gray van under the sign and stopped not too far away from a white house with dark brown roofs. Standing near a fence were two red-faced imps, a woman and a man. The woman waved as I.M.P. arrived.

The red-faced imp male had black and white striped horns and a white mustache. He wore an earth colored vest, a black belt and tall dark boots. White swirl-shaped tattoos decorated his beefy arms. His wife stood next to him with straight black horns with small white stripes on them. Her hair was messy and similar to Millie’s, except it was dark gray. She wore light pants, a white shirt, a red scarf and brown working gloves. Her tail was long and red with white spots on it. Both imps had yellow sclera eyes and black pupils.

Millie beamed and raced out of the van with a light-hearted laugh.

“Mamma! Daddy!”

Millie jumped into her father’s arms. The man happily embraced her. He spun her around before placing her back on her feet.

“Yeeee-hawww!” He ruffled Millie’s black hair affectionately. “How’s my deadly little pumpkin spice doing?”

“I’m good, Pa!” Millie beamed. “Thanks for lettin’ us stay here for the harvest jamboree!”

“It’s no trouble,” her mother said with a dismissive wave. “We know you aren’t making as much anymore since y’all went ‘freelance.’”

“Freelance pays fine, Ma!” Millie exclaimed, trying to hide her nervousness. “We’re doing fiiiine! It’s fine.”

Millie walked over to Moxxie, who struggled to carry a suitcase.

“Anyway, y’all remember my husband, Moxxie?”

Millie happily shoved a nervous Moxxie in front of her parents. Both of them glared in disapproval, arms crossed. The father let out a “hmph.”

As soon as Moxxie witnessed their judgmental eyes boring into his soul, he knew that he was going to be screwed. “Play it safe,” he thought.

“Greetings, Lin! Joe!” Moxxie waved nervously, holding out his hand. “How have you been, uh, with all the…flaming twisters and stuff around here?”

“We lost our old farm hand to one of them terrors last week,” Joe deadpanned with a drawl.

Moxxie laughed nervously. “Oh crumbs! My bad!” He scratched his horns. “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to open that wound… sir.”

“Hey, watch it!” Blitzo protested to Moxxie, “I’m the ‘sir’ here, bucko!”

“Oh yeah!” Millie added, mentioning toward her co-workers. “Y’all haven’t met my boss Blitz! And his hellhound!”

Loona leaned forward in anger, hands on her hips. “I’m not just his hellhound.”

“Yeah, she’s my daughter!” Blitzo added, pulling her into a tight side hug to her annoyance.

“Only on paper,” Loona said as Blitzo let go. “Y’all don’t deserve to know my name.” She went back to tapping on her cell phone.

Blitzo walked over to Millie’s parents, shoving Moxxie backwards. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet the sperm and egg factory that popped out this little gem of an assassin! You two raised a sturdy bitch!” He playfully elbowed Millie.

Joe chuckled. “That we did! So, Blitz, is it? Heh heh. That’s a fine name.”

Blitzo and Joe shook hands as Moxxie peered over with a glare. Leave it to his boss to make friends with all sorts of shady people.

“It reminds me of war,” Lin said happily.

Joe sighed nostalgically. “Nothing like a little war to make a strong man.” He flexed his bicep.

“I like you people,” Blitzo smiled.

“War, huh?” Moxxie thought. “So that’s what they’re into. Not surprising. Well fortunately, I happen to know all about it! Time to impress them with what I know.”

Moxxie walked over. “You know, more battles were won by technological advances in warfare. I’ve researched the history of weaponry extensively. And it’s inspiring how…for example, the progression of guns utilizing angelic technology has changed the landscape of Hell’s combative…”

Moxxie paused as everyone stared blankly at him. Millie made a “cut it out” motion with her hand. Moxxie realized he must have sounded like a geek.

“I mean…” he spoke in a deep awkward voice, “War fun.”

“Guns get the job done,” said Joe. “But a man ain’t nothin’ if he can’t tear off the head of a hellish beast with only his bare hands!” He rammed his fist into his hand.

“Haaaa!” Blitzo called with a laugh. “He’s right, Moxxie!” He then baby talked to Moxxie. "You got cute little baby hands like your baby dick!” He touched Moxxie’s hand and reached toward his crotch. Moxxie angrily slapped his arm away. “Refrain, sir.”

“Speaking of strong hands,” Joe said. “Y’all should meet our newest help.” He then called out, “Hey, Striker!”

The sound of rapidly clopping hooves approached. Black legs with golden hooves raced across the ground. Small plumes of smoke emitted from the legs and sparks flew off the hooves and onto the rocky path. An imp dressed in cowboy attire rode atop his horse, using his long tan pointed tail to whip the horse’s flank. The imp’s tail moved and hissed like a rattlesnake. The hell horse leaped over a wooden fence and galloped toward the group. With a mixture of a demonic roar and a neigh, the hell horse Bombproof reared up on his hind legs before lowering to a complete stop.

Blitzo stared in complete and utter awe.

The inferno equine was magnificent. He had a coal black coat and three black ribs exposed underneath him. His underbelly, mane and tail consisted of dazzling crimson and orange flames that matched the speed of the creature’s movements. Three golden circles were decorated near his flank and his flaming tail was also black with small spikes on it. The horse had glowing small holes in his face for eyes, seven black spikes jutting out from his long neck and a few sharp fangs from his elongated mouth.

But Blitzo wasn’t prepared to witness the sheer hotness of the rider.

“Well, howdy!” Striker greeted.

The tall imp had a faded red face with reptilian-like features. He smiled a dazzling grin of sharp teeth, a gold tooth standing out. He had a small black mustache and white hair with two jagged black and white striped horns that pointed upward. His long tail was pointed, with four black stripes and eight accompanying sharp spines.

Striker wore a stereotypical brown sun hat, tall cowboy boots, a red scarf and torn white pants. He had a black shirt and a dark navy vest with black cuffs. A light red scarf was around his neck. A straw of wheat was in his mouth. His eyes were yellow and hypnotic with a spiral pattern.

“Oh, lookie here!” Striker spotted Millie and jumped off his horse. “You must be the famous Mildred!”  He playfully poked her with the wheat stalk. “Heard some good things about you from your folks, little lady.”

He winked at her and Millie laughed sheepishly, waving her hand. They both shook hands.

“What’re y’all doing so far away from Imp City?” Striker asked. “Heh. The free working finally slowin’ down?”

“Oh no! Freelance isn’t free! It’s a…” She paused. “Never mind. We’re just visiting for the festival. The prince is our boss’ boyfriend!” She said “boyfriend” dramatically.

Blitzo glared at her, making a slapping gesture. “Millie, I’m not above hitting a female in front of her daddy.”

“Boss, huh?” Striker asked before noticing Blitzo. “Ohhh, so you’re the bold imp to start his own killing biz?”

Blitzo grinned smugly. “Yeah, well if you’re good at somethin’, you should probably capitalize.”

“Not many imps start businesses on their own. That’s pretty impressive, sir,” Striker complimented with a snap of his fingers.

“Oh. Yeah? It is…” Blitzo stuttered. “I-I-I guess, I guess it is, isn’t it?”

“So you even conned that ditzy blueblood into gettin’ you to the surface?” Striker asked.

Striker and Blitzo shook hands again.

“Well, it’s long and complicated but the short answer is, yes,” Blitzo answered. “But he’s not like, you know, we’re not like, we’re not doing it…” Blitzo stuttered. “It’s a transactional fucking, you see.” He did a motion of putting a finger through a hole.

“Y’know,” Joe called, “You boys should enter the Pain Games!”

Blitzo walked sideways toward Joe in excitement. “I heard games! What games? I’m in!”

“Every Harvest Festival, there’s a competition to be the roughest toughest bastard in Wrath!” Lin explained.

“Yeah! Wish I could play!” Millie pouted, crossing her arms in disappointment.

“Millie,” Lin chided, “You know you get too carried away. The last competition ended in fifteen separate funerals.”

“I’m aware, but I only caused nine of them!” Millie protested. “How come Sallie May still gets to compete?”

“Your sister doesn’t have a neighborhood head count.”

“She so does!”

In the background, Sallie May carried a sack while a smaller imp dragged an imp body on the ground.

“Doesn’t count if they don’t find the bodyyyy!” Sallie May sang as Millie seethed.

“Still, you get to root for her and your brothers and now you can cheer on your boss!” her mother encouraged.

Moxxie put a hand on Lin’s shoulder much to her disgust. “You know, she can also cheer for me.”

Joe laughed and slapped his leg. Then he raised an eyebrow and pointed. “Wait, you?”

“Yeah! I can compete, can’t I?” Moxxie asked. Lin elbowed him hard in the side and he teared up in pain. Joe chuckled.

“Sorry boy, but I don’t think sensitive thespian types would last very long in the games.”

“I was born here too!” Moxxie protested. Then he drawled, “I have some fight in me!”

Striker put a hand on Moxxie’s shoulder. “Huh. Well then little fella, why don’tcha help me wrangle one o’ them hogs for dinner?”

Striker mentioned to a large sleeping gray hell hog in a pigpen with large black tusks, spikes along the back and closed eyes on its side.

Moxxie held up his head, nose in the air. “Simple. Watch me!”

“Nah. With these,” Striker said. He tossed a red knife and some rope into Moxxie’s hands.

“Bullets can’t pierce the shell. You gotta get the knife underneath them and pry yourself an openin’.”

Moxxie gulped. “Oh, right, right. I knew that.” Moxxie was better equipped for long distance shooting. He was an expert marksman, but not so proficient when it came to raw physical strength. To say Moxxie was out of his comfort zone would be an understatement.

To make matters worse, Blitzo leaned in toward Moxxie and grabbed his shoulders.

“Now just remember, your rep with the in-laws is on the line here! So no pressure at all, you totally will not make an ass of yourself in front of everyone important in your life.”

Blitzo’s words were laced with sarcasm and mockery. Moxxie’s eyes twitched, his pupils dilated in fear. He could already envision being beaten up and sent away from Millie by her parents.

“Go get’ em tiger,” Blitzo grinned, shoving Moxxie forward.

“Oh.”

“Mox, you don’t need to do this,” Millie countered.

But her words fell on deaf ears as Blitzo remarked, “Oh, he totally does!”

There was no turning back now.

Moxxie hopped over the pen fence and nervously stalked through the mud, rope and dagger in hand.

“Kick its ass, Moxxie! Yeeeeaaaaah!” Blitzo hollered, making punching gestures.

Taking a deep breath, Moxxie leapt forward and wrapped the rope around the hog’s neck. He brought down the knife, which bounced harmlessly off the hog’s armor shell. The glowing eyes on the hog opened up and the beast let out a ferocious roar.

Moxxie yelled out as the hog raced around the pen, trying to buck him off. He held onto the rope for dear life. Blitzo’s cheers added to the intensity and stress.

“Fuck yeah, Moxxie! Ride it, Moxxie! Making that bitch you won’t call back in the morning!”

Loona snickered. “This is fucking beautiful.” She held up her black cell phone and recorded a video.

“Doing great, Moxxie!” Blitzo said with a thumbs up. Then he whispered to Loona, “Send me that video later.”

Moxxie screamed and tried to stay on as Millie watched in concern.

A shadow fell over Moxxie and he was soon knocked off. He landed in the mud and glared at the figure above him.

It was Striker. He twirled the red knife with his fingers and held it high above his head in a smug pose. He brought the knife down hard, straight through the hog’s tough skin. The hog roared and squealed before dropping dead. Striker had slaughtered the beast.

“Ow…My clavicle,” Moxxie cried, rubbing his neck. Striker towered over him with a grin, his tail rattling.

“Don’t worry, little one. You never stood a chance.”

Moxxie bared his teeth in anger as a proud Striker carried the dead hog on his shoulder back to the group.

“Hey, boss man,” Striker called to Blitzo, looking at him with a sideways turn of his head. “You wanna help the men skin this thing for dinner?”

Blitzo puffed up his chest in pride. “Oh, I am always down to skin the manly meat with the manly men!”

“That’s what she said!” Loona called out, as she tapped on her phone and followed the imps inside.

“What, ‘who said?’” Blitzo asked before asking in anger, “Wait, what bitch is talking shit about me?!”

Moxxie watched the other imps go as he sighed sadly. Millie supported his neck and shoulder.

Millie said, “Don’t let ‘em get to you. And hey, you don’t need my parents to respect you. They will eventually.”

“No, they won’t.”

Millie glared at her transgender sister who had appeared beside them. She wore torn white shorts, a torn black tank top and a red headband with holes. Her black hair had a white spot near the top and covered one of her yellow eyes. A white mark was visible, crossing her eye and thick eyelashes. Interestingly enough, she had the black and white striped imp horns of males.

“What? I’m right, ain’t I?” she shrugged in a low drawl.

Moxxie couldn’t take it anymore.

“Oh I‘mma enter in those games,” he drawled in determination. Millie sighed sadly, already knowing that the outcome would not be good.

Sallie May stood up and mentioned to Millie. “Hmm, how pissed would you be if I bet on him dyin’?” She pointed to Moxxie. Millie glared at her again.

0 0 0

The Festival

Wally Wackford stood on the wooden stage, holding a gray microphone decorated with an eye in the center and small horns on the top. He wore his usual white shirt, vest, white pants and dark boots. He twirled his black cane and tipped his black top hat. Large speakers with skulls on the inside stood off to either side. Nested under a stripped tent in the back center of the stage sat Stolas on a stool. He wore his usual crown, black top hat and royal red robes. The grimoire lay on his lap. A white banner held up by high spears read “Harvest Moon Festival” in bold blood red letters. Stolas’ sigil and a pentagram decorated the banner background.

Wally Wackford spoke dramatically through the microphone.

“Welcome, I say-a welcome all to Wrath-a Ring’s annual Harvest-a Moon-a a Festival! To kick things up, we have the great prince Stolas-a here to user in this here Pain Games!”

Stolas took the microphone from him and chuckled in slight embarrassment.

“How kind, Wackford.”

Stolas then addressed the audience. “Greetings tiny Wrath Ring imps! I hereby welcome you all to another year of celebrating the spoils of your labor that continue to feed the citizens of Hell!”

A crowd of imps glared at him and several boos were heard. Many of these Wrath imps were impoverished farmers who lived on scraps, meat or good crops if they were lucky. The food they worked so hard to produce was consumed by royalty and those in the other Rings. But the reward for their work was being underfed, underpaid and underappreciated instead. The unbalanced cycle had lasted for generations.

Striker too, stared at Stolas with a burning hatred. Here was this owl prince who paraded around in his garb while he had to deal with war and a daily battle for survival.

Stolas obliviously continued. “I’m happy to kick off the start of these games that will challenge the toughest imps to show their skill and dominance.” He did a little wave with his fingers. “Good luck to you all!” He noticed Blitzo in the crowd beside Moxxie and Striker and spoke lower. “Especially that sexy little one there! Yoo-hoo! Blitzy!”

“Ugh. Fuck me,” Blitzo scowled.

A gun went off and the games began.

The first event was the race. Moxxie was instantly trampled by the other racers.

The second event was the high jump. Striker climbed over the high wooden ramp structure with ease and raced after Blitzo who jumped past him. Moxxie struggled to keep his balanced as he reached the top. He slipped down, trying to use his claws to hold on. He fell with a splash in a small puddle…and was promptly chewed on by a monstrous black and white shark with several red eyes.

The third event was an event with rope. Striker grinned as he held a tied up Blitzo. Blitzo’s arms, legs and horns were all tied up. Moxxie gulped as a stronger grinning imp tied him up with ease.

The fourth event was tug of war. The crowd cheered as the two teams pulled hard. Striker, Blitzo and Moxxie were on a team. Moxxie stumbled and fell into nearby water, where the shark attacked him again.

The fifth event was mud wrestling. Blitzo and Striker grinned as they wrestled each other, Striker getting the upper hand as he held Blitzo down, arms locked. Moxxie was instantly crushed in a football hurdle by a group of imps. As they got off of him, Moxxie sat up. And the shark leaped out of the water and over the fence.

“Mother fucker!” Moxxie screamed as the shark crushed him. (Moxxie somehow survived all this.)

Wally Wackford was back on stage.

“I say, I say for the first year ever, we have a tie for winner of the Harvest Moon Pain Games!”

Stolas took the microphone from him again.

“The winners are…Striker, aaaand my darling Blitzy!” Stolas did a one-legged pose as the crowd cheered.

“Just say my name right!” Blitzo hollered. He muttered “Fuckin’ dick!” as he and Striker walked onto the stage.

Millie and Moxxie watched from the stands. Moxxie was dirty and bruised, one of his eyes was swollen. He crossed his arms.

“Alright, so he has the ‘physical advantage.’ I’m better at other things. Like singing!” said Moxxie.

Just then, Striker pulled out a slender dark indigo guitar with knobs made of bones at the top. It was decorated with a brown horseshoe in the center, the guitar curling up into uneven horn-like shapes arching toward the strings.

“I’d like to take this opportunity to sing a quick song I wrote just now, about me winnin’.” He strummed the strings.

“Oh, what the fuck?!” Moxxie bellowed in disbelief, both his arms extended. The crowd began to cheer. The backstage lights turned pink as Striker began his song.

“Sweet victory

I smell it sweet

From up in stinkin’ Heaven

To the rugged rocks of Hell”

“Sweet victory

With everything I do

With every talent

I’m so much more talented than you

Every time I tryyy

I push it and succeed…me!

Every first attempt at every single deed”

“Me! I’m totally the best!

The super cool me, handsome guy”

A fangirl imp squealed with tears in her eyes as she raced over to the stage. Striker kicked her in the face, sending the happy imp into the arms of a larger imp. The girl was then mauled by a group of vicious imps.

Blitzo arrived with a slice of Swiss cheese on a stick. He happily jumped into the spot next to Moxxie and Millie, taking a bite of his snack.

“Isn’t this guy great?” Blitzo asked, his mouth full.

“False!” Moxxie declared. From the moment he first saw Striker, Moxxie’s instincts told him that he was not a trustworthy person.

Blitzo squirted some red hot sauce onto his cheese and took another bite. “It’s gonna be nice workin’ with him!”

Moxxie couldn’t believe his ears. “Working with him? What?!”

“Yeeeeaaaah! I asked him if he wants to join I.M.P.”

Moxxie’s worst fears had come true. Not only was he not good enough for Millie’s parents, now his own boss was turning on him. Striker taking his place at work was unthinkable. There was no way he could bear to be around that pompous cruel bully of an imp every day. Was he really just a slapstick joke to everyone? He could already see Loona laughing her ass off.

It would surely only be a matter of time before Millie would leave him too. At worst, she’d be with Striker and they’d all be murdering buddies at I.M.P. without him.

“You asked…but…” Moxxie began.

Moxxie lowered his head, visibly hurt. Millie sensed that something was wrong.

“Mox, I think you’ve had enough for now. Let’s head back to the house and get you clean.” Millie lifted his chin up and Moxxie smiled a sad smile.

Striker glanced over at Moxxie with a cruel grin. He sang, “Heh. Moxxie go fuck yourself!”

Tears spilled out of Moxxie’s eyes as he scowled and turned away. Millie led him back to the house.

“Did you hear something? It was just the wind.” Striker finished in song as the crowd cheered. “Thank you. You’re too kind.”

The sky was blazing red and yellow lava spheres glowed at the top of large volcanos. Back at the ranch, Bombproof the hell horse ate a dead animal carcass near a bladed windmill. Blitzo lay on his stomach, feet in the air, watching the horse with utmost adoration.

Meanwhile, Millie and her parents watched as her brothers helped load jack-o-lanterns onto a wooden cart in front of the house. A large eye was part of the house design. Millie happily waved to her siblings and wandered off.

0 0 0

Inside the house, Moxxie walked glumly up some stairs. A growling red bull head hung on the wall from a plaque. Moxxie glanced over at a portrait from inside a red skull frame. It was a black and white picture of Millie’s family. There stood Joe and Lin in the very center. Then there was Millie May, her sister Sallie May, and her three brothers: Billie May, Willie May and Tillie May. Moxxie ran his hand along the smiling Millie in the picture.

She and her family looked so happy.

Sure they were crass, and very wild…but they were still strongly bonded together. A real family.

“I’ll never be a part of her family,” he thought. “No matter what I do…I’m just not strong enough.”

He then thought back to his own parents. The negligent assholes who were more preoccupied with alcohol, money and violence than their own son’s well-being. No wonder he dreamed about them being murdered. Theater helped Moxxie escape his harsh reality for so many years. On stage, he could sing, act and become someone else. Phantom of the Opera had always been his favorite. In a way, his love of theater and murder (to some degree) was how he bonded with Blitzo and Millie (and even Loona at times). His expertise with weaponry had made him a great addition to I.M.P. Now, more than ever, Moxxie wanted to prove he was good enough…to help the others see reason.

Moxxie closed his eyes, lowering his head as his horns softly impacted the wall.

A faint humming sound made Moxxie open his eyes and lift up his head. Moxxie noticed a sliver of light coming through the crack underneath one of the white doors. He raised an eyebrow. His cloven hooves stopped in front of the door, catching the light. The humming grew as he stepped closer.

“Well that’s troubling,” he commented.

Moxxie opened the door and peered around. No one was in the bedroom. Nothing but a gray ceiling fan, a bed with a skull on the headboard and a nearby vanity on a dresser.

Moxxie almost froze when he spotted the source of the light and the humming sound. It was coming from a box on a table. He walked closer to inspect it.

“Oh my crumbs!” he breathed, his yellow eyes wide and shining.

Sitting in a brown gun case lay an intricate and very expensive looking rifle. It was a dark reddish color with glowing white swirl-shaped designs along the side. The area near the trigger was decorated red. A white Ichthys fish Christian symbol was on there as well.

In fascination and dread, Moxxie ran a hand along the side.

“A genuine carmine crafted blessed-tipped rifle!”

A weapon with angelic bullets.

Moxxie stared in disbelief. “How…how in the fuck did he get one of these?!”

“Why don’t you ask me, little dude?”

That familiar dark southern drawl…Moxxie’s hairs stood on end.

Moxxie whirled around. “Shit!”

Striker was leaning against the doorframe.

Moxxie glared in suspicion and anger. “W-why do you have this?! Mister!” He pointed a finger at him. “You are aware this kind of weapon can kill…”

“…demon royalty,” Striker finished.

“Yes. That.”

“No shit. That’s kinda the point,” Striker remarked. He flicked the wheat stalk away, running his claws along the door before shutting it.

Moxxie stepped back and stuttered. “Okay. Well I’m…I’m relatively concerned by your possession of this…”

Striker grinned sinisterly, advancing toward Moxxie like a predatory rattlesnake. Striker’s pointed tail hissed in anticipation. Moxxie was cornered by the table behind him.

“I’m also glad my instant dislike of you has been vali…dated!” Moxxie added before gasping.

Striker wrapped his tail around Moxxie’s throat, causing the imp to gag. He tossed Moxxie hard against the wall, where he slid with a thud to the floor. Moxxie sat up and clutched his head…then Striker was upon him. Strong hands firmly gripped Moxxie in a chokehold. He struggled to free himself but Striker held him down with his body weight. Striker’s butt and legs were dangerously close to Moxxie’s crotch. Striker easily avoided Moxxie trying to claw at him. A glint caught Moxxie’s eye and he noticed a red glass vase on a nearby table.

With a grunt of effort, Moxxie kicked at the table, sending the vase crashing onto Striker’s head. Millie heard the crash from outside and raced toward the house. A freed Moxxie stood up and ran as fast as he could toward the door. Panting…panting…almost there…

He managed to open it before Striker pulled him back by his tail with a forceful yank!

“Aaah!” Moxxie screamed before his mouth was covered by Striker’s hand. Beams of red light shone into the room as Moxxie struggled in vain to get free. Striker leaned down and pressed his body weight against Moxxie, pinning him in place. The seconds dragged by, Moxxie losing consciousness. Moxxie’s eyes started to flutter, his body going limp and weaker as Striker held his chin.

Striker chuckled evilly. “Pathetic.”

It was all over…

A sudden slash of pain shot through Striker and he screamed. He let go of his captive and Moxxie fell to the floor.

Through bleary eyes, Moxxie could see the fierce figure of Millie. She was stabbing Striker in the back repeatedly with a knife. Her mouth was open in a snarl, her sharp teeth revealed, veins popping out near her glowing red pupil-less eyes. Little crosses were shown in her eyes instead. She was feral, ferocious…and never looked more beautiful.

She jabbed and stabbed again and again, black blood splattering this way and that. She then leaped onto his shoulders, a knife against his neck. Striker angrily moved around and gripped one of her hands. He grinned and rammed Millie hard against the wall.

Thud!

Millie collapsed to the floor next to Moxxie, grimacing in pain as a fresh wound in her leg oozed black blood. Moxxie weakly reached for her with a shaking hand. Striker had wounds of his own, but his thicker skin had saved him from the brunt of Millie’s attacks. Striker grinned triumphantly above them, grabbing them both by their hair.

A cellar door was opened.

“Millie!” Moxxie cried as he tumbled down the stairs and onto the floor. Millie tumbled and followed suit. Unfortunately for her, one of her legs got caught in a black bear trap.

Snap!

“Owwww!” she cried out, black blood pooling onto the floor. Moxxie gasped in horror.

Both imps looked up at their captor.

“I’d kill y’all but I feel like there’s more leverage with your rodeo clown of a boss if I don’t!” His spiral reptilian eyes gleamed menacingly in the dim light. “Plus you little things aint’ worth the cleanup.”

Moxxie raced up the stairs toward Striker, but he promptly shut the wooden doors. Moxxie banged on the doors before racing toward Millie.

“Millie!” He leaned down and saw her wound. Oh, Satan!”

Millie tried to pry the trap off. “Moxxie, I’m fiiine!” she reassured. “I got worse than this during the flower tufts at my brother’s weddin’.” She let out a small smile and clenched her fist. “But I caught that fuckin’ bouquet and it was fuckin’ worth it. You just have to get out there, and fuck up that brown nosin’ cocksucker for me!”

Moxxie hung his head. “But I can’t break through it. I’m not strong enough.”

Millie lifted his chin. “Not with your hands, baby. Use what you’re good at.”

“I’m not good with my hands?” Moxxie asked. Millie gave him a look and narrowed her eyes.

Moxxie chuckled nervously. “Oh right. Yeah. Yeah.”

He pulled out a red and black pistol with a music note on it and fired a hole in the doors. The lock fell off. He pushed the doors open, revealing a sunset sky.

“I probably should’ve used this earlier, huh?” he chuckled, pointing at his weapon.

“I love you hun…” Millie said with a laugh and a roll of her eyes, “but for fuck’s sake!”

0 0 0

Back on stage, after tapping the microphone, Stolas magically flipped through his grimoire, which hovered in front of him.

“My dear commoners of the Ring of Wrath! I Stolas of the Ars Goetia, hereby curse this year’s harvest with the glow of the true Harvest Moon!”

The sunset sky swirled above him until a portal appeared with a light purple sparkly rim. The portal revealed a beautiful pink-orange colored full moon in a clear starry night sky. The imp audience oohed at the splendid sight. One of them yelled out that he knew that Stolas would do the portal trick.

Not too far away, Striker focused on his target, his rifle drawn. Stolas’ face was shown in the reflector, the glowing white lines centering on his forehead. Striker chuckled darkly and prepared to take aim, wheat stalk in his mouth.

A click sounded behind him. Blitzo stood with his tan flintlock pistol pointed at Striker.

“Uh, excuse me? The fuck?!”

“Bliiitzo!” Striker cooed and turned around in surprise. “I thought you were still at the ceremony!”

Blitzo scowled. “You thought I wanted to stand around with a bunch of hillbillies excited about corn n’ shit with a thirsty owl on stage?!”

Striker stood up. “Huh. And now you seem disappointed in me.”

“Yeah, well I’m not a fan of someone I offered a job to about to off my easiest lanky ticket to Earth behind my back.”

Striker casually leaned against the window frame, one leg propped up, arms crossed. Striker spit out the wheat stalk and Blitzo pointed his pistol at him.

“Blitz, come on,” Striker said. “You know the two of us are superior than most of our kind.” He strode forward while Blitzo stepped back nervously.

Striker continued, circling around Blitzo like a vulture. “And you were so above suckin’ on a disgusting rich pompous Goetia, only to sneak topside for scraps and work for bitter sinners who could care less who you are when you could be slaying Overlords.”

Blitzo froze, pupils darting back and forth. How did Striker know all of that? Blitzo stood conflicted, as Striker continued to try and get inside his head.

Striker’s shadow darted in the darkness, and Blitzo pointed his rifle again.

Striker continued. “Why struggle to run a business that is rigged against you? When you could partner up with me…”

Striker appeared in Blitzo’s face, fingers curled, “and kill the un-killable?”

Blitzo was soon pinned against the wall, both of Striker’s arms on either side. He watched Striker’s chest rise and fall. Adrenaline coursed through his veins. He was sacred…but he also felt something else.

“Starting with the one who treats you like a plaything?” Striker said, his eyes glowing, red pupils, long tongue briefly out. Blitzo blushed, a throbbing starting from inside his pants.

Arousal. The thought of being free from his struggles. Joining this powerful and very sexy man in front of him. He could just leave Stolas and the others behind…pursue his carnal desires without judgement or limitations. Defeating Overlords, becoming rich…no longer the bottom of the hierarchical chain. How easy and tempting it would be to just…forget.

“Oooh that’s kinda hot,” he spoke in a low flustered voice. He was already starting to get lost in Striker’s hypnotizing eyes.

“We could be the most dangerous beings in Hell, Blitzo.” Striker leaned closer.

Who needed I.M.P. when Blitzo and Striker could do a special business of their own? He would no longer be obligated to please Stolas with various sexual shenanigans. He could finally decide things for himself, get full control over his life.

“Wow. That was a good fuckin’ pitch,” Blitzo whispered.

“Been workshoppin’ it.” Striker moved Blitzo’s pistol away.

But wait. His employees… He couldn’t leave them all behind. Where would they go? What would they do without him?

Loona. Stolas. They actually cared about his well-being, didn’t they? He loved Loona like his own daughter. And he had to admit; as pompous as Stolas was…he tried his hardest for both him and Octavia. Striker only liked the strong and powerful. If Blitzo were to get hurt, he wouldn’t bat an eye. Striker only cared about himself.

Blitzo sighed and stared off to the side. “Y’know what? Fuck it.” He grinned. I’m in!” Striker grinned too. Now he could use Blitzo to his heart’s content. No one would mess with him now.

Click.

Striker hissed as Moxxie appeared behind him, holding his prized rifle.

“Huh?”

Blitzo grinned. “Took you long enough, Mox! Ha ha! Wow, you should’ve seen your dipshit face!”

Striker seethed in anger.

“Wait…woah,” Blitzo began. Striker’s tail had wrapped around Blitzo’s knife as he held it behind him.

“Okay, cliché much?” Blitzo asked.

Striker punched Blitzo in the stomach before moving Blitzo’s pistol. The gun went off. Moxxie gasped as he blocked the bullet with the side of the rifle. Blitzo seethed in anger at Striker trying to use him to kill his friend.

“Oh, you daddy fucker!”

He clamped down hard onto Striker’s arm, the cowboy imp crying out. Blitzo elbowed Striker, sending him back. The two imps them fought and landed punches and kicks. A series of grunts were heard. Striker looped his arm around Blitzo’s arm and shoved him away. Blitzo crashed backward into Moxxie, sending both imps to the floor. Moxxie spotted the rifle and reached for it. Striker pinned down Moxxie’s arm with a boot.

“You dumb fucks lost the upper hand fast, huh?” he smirked, scooping up the rifle and aiming at them.

“Ha!” Blitzo declared. “You seem to have forgotten something, fucko!”

He moved his fingers to his lips.

Wheeoo-wheet!

His whistled several times. From outside, Loona’s ears perked up, but she continued tapping on her phone, ignoring him.

“Ugh, fuckin’ damn it, Loona,” Blitzo muttered.

“It’s a damn shame, Blitzo,” said Striker. “We might actually’ve made a good team.” He chuckled and aimed. “Ah well.”

“In your wet dreams, you honky-tonk goat!” Blitzo yelled.

He swiped his foot forward, tripping Striker. He got up and karate-kicked Striker away, causing him to drop his rifle. Moxxie grabbed it and growled. Blitzo then raced toward his foe and knocked his head with a vase. He landed hard punches at his face, while also swiping his tail at him. Black specks of blood fell from Striker’s nose and mouth. Blitzo used his tail to wrap around Striker’s waist, and promptly tossed him to the side. He landed in a corner with a yelp. He moved again, but Moxxie fired a warning shot near his head.

Striker remained silent as Moxxie and Blitzo closed in. Blitzo aimed his pistol at him, the bronze surface glinting.

“I still think it’s embarrassing,” Striker drawled to Blitzo, his gold sharp tooth glinting. “You’re wasting a lot of potential relyin’ on a weak little…”

Moxxie fired another warning shot, clipping off part of his cowboy hat. “You gonna finish that fucking sentence? Pard’ner?”

Striker just grinned in his defeat. “Vermin.”

“Who’s weak now, bitch?!” Moxxie mocked before a door slammed into his face.

“’Kay, I’m here,” Loona called as she stepped through the doorway.

Striker narrowed his eyes and used the distraction to slap Blitzo’s pistol from his hand. He retrieved the rifle on the floor before racing on all fours toward the open window. He grinned again at Blitzo.

“I tip my hat to you, one legend to another. Maybe you’ll get me next time… Blitzy.”

He grinned and leaped out. Blitzo aimed his gun again, but Striker had disappeared into the shadows. He stared at Stolas obliviously finishing the festival. Blitzo then hurried outside to warn Stolas of what had just occurred.

Blitzo skidded to a stop near the stage. Unfortunately, Blitzo saw the tips of Stolas’ gray tail feathers disappear through a portal back to his palace. The portal sealed and the sky closed overhead, revealing a plain night sky and no moon. The festival was over.

0 0 0

Back at the ranch the next day, Lin bandaged Millie’s arm as she sat with her foot in a cast. Moxxie struggled to close a suitcase stuffed with clothes.

“I can’t believe you let him trap you, Millie! Haven’t we taught you better?” Lin chided. “Never let your guard down! You could’ve been killed!”

“I was seein’ red, Ma!” Millie argued. “And he was slippery!”

“Excuses!” Lin barked. “You’re better than that, Mildred!”

Moxxie seethed and closed the suitcase. He couldn’t take it any longer. With newfound determination, he marched over to Joe and Jin.

“You know, she protected me. And maybe I’m not a…” he drawled in a low voice, “…strong beefy dickhead…” he continued. “But Millie has the strength enough for both of us!”

Millie smiled and gave him two thumbs up.

“You two are getting on her case about her getting hurt by a psychopath you hired?!” Moxxie waved a nagging finger and drawled in a cowboy voice. “Shaaame on you!”

Blitzo appeared beside Moxxie with puppy dog eyes and his baby-talk voice. “Aw, Moxxie, look at you. Speechin’ like a big boy with his big paaaants!”

Blitzo pointed toward Moxxie’s crotch and Moxxie glared.

Joe stared at Moxxie for a moment, surprised by his sudden determination. Perhaps he felt guilty about not knowing who Striker really was. At a loss for words, Joe nodded curtly to Moxxie and went with his wife into the house.

Millie beamed in amazement. “Wow! He nodded!” She stood up and walked with two crutches. “He’s never acknowledged your input before!”

Moxxie stood in thought and confusion. “Sooo, is that progress?”

0 0 0

Somewhere in Wrath Ring lay a very shady motel. The sign had a border of round lights and a neon yellow cowboy hat on it. It read in bold letters “Hideaway Motel.”  “Hideaway” was in white cursive, while “Motel” was in bold neon yellow with horns sticking from the “M.” “Vacancy” was in a red neon cactus. In movie theater style font below, it read: “The guy that tried 2 kill u def isn’t here.”

The windows were dark, broken and bordered up. Save for one room on the second floor that had a light shining from it. Lopsided broken blinds were in the lit up window. Inside the room was peeling wallpaper and a bathroom with a sink and a broken mirror.

A long pointed imp tail hissed as the figure pressed a phone to his ear.

“So…is it done?” came the other voice.

“Huh,” came the drawling male voice. “I failed to kill the target at the festival.”

“I granted you that weapon. Just because I could afford it doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard to get,” said the other caller. “You still have it?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Perhaps you can prove me wrong about my assumptions of your kind.”

“Don’t forget how much money you offered me. And additional food.”

“You’ll only get it once the deed is done. Only the most infamous assassin is worthy of this job.”

Striker was lounging on a bed, an orange old fashioned phone in his right hand, while his left hand twirled the glowing angelic rifle. He beamed with pride. “That I am.”

“I’m not doing this out of kindness, imp. You’re a means to a greater end.”

Striker hid his distaste. He was willing to do whatever it took to get that money…and the potential fearful respect that came with being the one to kill the prince.

How satisfying it would be to see the living symbol of all the hardships of the denizens fall before them. Royalty itself would feel the pain that the Wrath imps had felt for years. If royalty could be killed…who knows how much more powerful Striker could become. He already envisioned himself wealthy and leading the imps to a greater prosperous future. No more moments to be shoved aside like dirt.

Striker would be the rootinest tootinest cowboy in all the…

“Do not disappoint me again,” came the other voice, snapping Striker from his daydreaming.

“I failed. But don’t worry, ma’am, it won’t happen again.”

On the other line, slender clawed fingers drummed the table. “It better not!” Another hand slammed down on the table.

“I want this cheating prick dead!”

It was Stella Goetia, Stolas’ wife. Her glowing pink eyes radiated in fury, her white feathery face devoid of its usual regality.  “I don’t care who you have to go through! Make it happen!”

Stella sat with her family at the dinner table at the palace. Plates of pancakes, meat and peas were in front of them. They sat in purple cushioned throne-like chairs. She bared her teeth at her husband, who stared at her in concern, a pancake hanging onto his fork. He held a book in his other hand at the dinner table titled “Imps in the sheets.” In another chair, Octavia was bobbing her head to some music. The imp butler peered over the table with worry. No matter what side he’d decide to take, he was probably screwed. Stella briefly worried that she had gotten caught, but neither one of them had noticed.

“Understood,” replied Striker before Stella hung up the rotary phone.

Striker twirled his rifle again. He’d go through anyone he could. Succubi, imps, sinners, the Seven Deadly Sin Ring rulers. Perhaps even fallen angels. He knew how smooth his words were. There were bond to be other enemies of Stolas and I.M.P. around.

Striker twirled his black rifle, which had a glowing eye, white crosses, six glowing white wings and a small white halo on it, another angelic weapon. “I’ll get him next time.”

Striker chuckled darkly before turning off the lamp. His eyes glowed in the darkness as he emitted a rattlesnake hiss.

Chapter Text

D.H.O.R.K.S., Undisclosed location, Earth, 2021

In a darkened green-lit room, a small monitor screen showed a clip of Moxxie stopping Blitzo from firing his rifle at Martha at her house (“Murder Family”).

Another screen showed a clip of Millie slouching back to shore after killing the fish monster at the beach (“Spring Broken”).

A third one showed Millie and Moxxie French-kissing with their long tongues while swinging above the stage during the battle (“C.H.E.R.U.B.”).

As a fourth screen zoomed in from a field of grazing horses and focused on an excited Blitzo, mouth agape, tongue out and holding a crushed can in one hand and the grimoire on another, the clip paused.

A white finger touched the still screen.

“Right there,” said a male voice. “This was the first sighting.”

A witness had captured Blitzo on a cell phone and the video was soon found by members of a secret organization. The organization was called D.H.O.R.K.S., (Demon Hunter Organization of Rad Kooky Suckers) (at least that’s a theory on what it stood for). They had facilities all over the country. Their goal was to search and hunt for paranormal activity, specifically demons, in order to protect Earth…but also because they were huge occult dorks. They had invented drone-like devices to track energy signatures whenever portals from Hell to Earth opened up…and the heat signatures of those nearby. As soon as the portals opened or closed, the devices were sent out. The near-invisible drones had gotten footage of I.M.P. during all their murder missions on Earth.

The members all wore black suits and carried various weapons like melee, katanas, kusarigama (metal chain with heavy iron weight at the top) naginata (curved sword), throwing stars, pole weapons, and stun guns. They were a combination of Men in Black, the Matrix, SCP Organization, and underground experiment organizations. Just your stereotypical dark conspiracy agents working in secret and studying extraterrestrial beings like those in Area 51. (Although this facility in question was labeled as Area 66.)

Another white hand appeared, gesturing to the screen as a female voice spoke. “They are definitely from Hell. They must use this dark magic to cross over into our world…” The fist clenched.

In the room, more screens displayed various scenes of I.M.P. during their adventures.

The female agent, Agent Two stood up. She had short curly blonde hair, dark skin and dark shades over her eyes. Her attire consisted of a dark suit with a white undershirt, a black necktie, red collar cuffs and red sleeve ends. Pinned on her suit was a logo; a white D over a red triangle. She adjusted her sunglasses and put her hand to her chin as she pondered in thought.

“And they seem to be killing specifically-targeted people. But why?”

The male, Agent One then stood up. He had white skin, a pointed chin and light brown short hair on his angular head. He too, adjusted his shades and wore the same colored suit and logo as his partner.

With a swoop of his hand, he added, “They always attack at random, all over the country. There’s no way to predict where they’ll show up next!”

Just then, the agents gasped and turned as they heard a rattling and screeching cat noise from outside. They peered through a barred window and some lopsided blinds. The male agent pulled the blinds aside and spotted Blitzo with one foot toward a dumpster.

Agent Two grinned evilly. “Ah well, that’s convenient!”

0 0 0

“Shh!” Blitzo shushed to Moxxie as he held onto the dumpster lid. “Remember, we can’t be seen!” Blitzo slammed the lid before losing his balance and tumbling to the ground. He landed head-first into a garbage bag.

Moxxie face-palmed and shook his head while Millie giggled nearby before strolling away. Moxxie glanced around before addressing his boss in a harsh whisper.

“Pardon my word, sir, but you’re currently being the loudest.”

Blitzo got out from the bag and angrily poked Moxxie in the face. A soiled pink garment hung from the tip of one of his horns, a lollipop was on his face, a piece of paper lay on his forehead and on his finger…was a used up green condom. Moxxie stared in utter disgust.

“I said shush your dick-sucking lips, Moxxie!” Blitzo spat, poking hard at Moxxie who then flinched and shooed him away.

From behind Moxxie, a red glow emitted from a nearby portal. Moxxie turned and spotted Loona and Millie in the opening, Millie waving. Moxxie happily began to stroll toward the portal when…

“Get down!” Blitzo yelled.

A shout rang out as Blitzo leapt onto Moxxie and shoved him hard onto the ground. A millisecond later, a net shot from the distance with a wheezt. Blitzo growled on top of Moxxie, staring at a shadowy figure in the background. It was Agent One, holding a large cannon-like weapon with three white barrels with nets in the center. With a click, another net opened up at the ready. Falling from a rooftop, Agent Two landed gracefully on the ground, standing between Blitzo and the portal. Blitzo and Moxxie were surrounded by two armed humans. If these human strangers soon saw the portal to Hell…

“Loona! Close it!” Blitzo shouted.

Loona stared at the grimoire in her furry hands and muttered a few words. “Wait! No!” Millie cried, rushing toward the opening, but it had already closed. Moxxie held out a reaching hand in desperation. He seethed and took out his black and red pistol. The two imps leaped and flipped as they dodged the nets being fired at them. Moxxie smiled and aimed his pistol at Agent One.

Thud.

A tranquilizing dart struck Moxxie in the back of the neck. He wobbled on his feet and groaned before collapsing.

“Moxxie!” Blitzo cried. He hoisted up his employee and darted away. He drop-kicked Agent Two before taking off, carrying Moxxie on one shoulder. He raced down an alley as Moxxie groaned “I smell…colors…” and the agents gave chase. With horror, Blitzo realized he had reached a dead end. He turned around to face the agents, weapon in one hand, a limp Moxxie in the other.

“Back off, you tuxedo-wearing fucks!”

The agents just grinned and aimed their weapons. As Blitzo aimed his flintlock pistol, Agent Two pulled the trigger.

Zzzzap!

A flash of blue electricity shot from Agent Two’s gun, stunning both imps. They shook uncontrollably and cried out as the electricity raced through their bodies. Blitzo was struck twice. When the electricity faded, the imps slumped to the ground, going into unconsciousness.

The agents chuckled darkly, standing over the fallen imps.

“Hmhm. I’d like to see the suits at corporate call us losers now!” laughed Agent One. He turned to his comrade. “That was pretty badass.”

Agent Two smiled and posed with her gun pointed in the air. “Super badass!”

Blitzo and Moxxie slipped under as the agents carried their limp forms back to headquarters.

“Can you believe it?” said Agent Two. “After all those months of hunting down these devils, we finally caught ‘em!”

“And in just minutes, too!” Agent One added. “Now, the corporation will surely believe us.”

“No more being treated like superstitious laughing-stocks,” added Agent Two. “Just imagine…us discovering the demons’ plan. Being heralded as heroes by the government. Think of how much money will pour in!”

Agent One licked his lips greedily as he carried Blitzo. Agent Two dragged Moxxie along before punching in a code (666-666) on a keypad. The button glowed green and a small door opened. The agents walked in before the door closed. From the outside, the door blended perfectly with the white concrete wall.

0 0 0

Mission

Back at I.M.P. headquarters, Millie pounded the wall nine times in frustration, tears in her eyes.

“Shit! Shit, shit, shit!” She cursed and yelled, head back before lowering it and sobbing. It felt like she was drowning in sheer despair and helplessness. Moxxie was there and then he was gone. She hadn’t been able to save him.

Loona stood behind her, book in hand, finger extended. She titled her head in concern. “You uh…you okay there?”

Millie stood up and whirled around, Loona flinching back with her hands up.

“What’re you doing sittin’ there?! The boys are in trouble! Open it again!”

Loona stood with her arms folded. Her red eyes narrowed. “Blitz was using a total of zero euphemisms, innuendos, or swears. That means it was serious.” She crossed her arms in the air and leaned in close in annoyance. “Which means I don’t open it until…”

Millie spat while grabbing Loona’s shirt and lifting her up, “I fucking get it! The sex jokes are the backbone of this whole show! Just you wait; there will be more! Open the fucking portal now!”

Loona then opened an old backpack labeled “Blitzo’s Emergen-C Bag” with the I.M.P. logo on it. With a war-like look on her face, Millie twirled a giant black double-bladed ax in the air with the I.M.P. symbol in the center. Loona transformed into her human disguise before muttering a spell from the grimoire. The portal opened once more into the night air on Earth. Millie crouched into a fighting pose, then gasped.

“They aren’t here!” Tears fell from her eyes again, body going slack. Loona stepped through the opening. The hellhound lifted Millie up with both hands and sniffed the ground.

“It smells like they went this way,” she said. “Come on, let’s find the dumbass twins!”

Loona hoisted Millie onto her back, ax in her other hand. Millie smiled at Loona, glad to be back as a team. They raced down the alley into the night.

Soon enough, they found the white-bricked building. “D.H.O.R.K.S.” was labeled on a large sign and a spotlight rotated from the roof. Four security cameras were in a row over the double doors. Two male agents with suits, dark glasses and spears stood guard on either side. The two females peered from behind the side of the building near a fence.

“This is where they ended up?” Millie whispered.

“I think so,” Loona replied. “Fuck, this looks intense.” They both leaned against the wall, Millie on Loona’s back. “How are we gonna get in?”

Millie glanced upward and pointed. “Lift me up to that vent!”

Loon lifted up her arm as Millie twirled around it, balancing on Loona’s hand. She tore off the vent cover and dove inside. Moments later, Millie pushed open the door, standing on the long handle and holding it for Loona. The duo raced down the hall, Millie on Loona’s shoulders once again. The hallways were metal and bleak, with fluorescent rectangular lights and long pipes on the ceiling. They crept past two other agent guards who were facing the other way, hands on their sheathed swords. Another agent spotted them run down the hall from a camera screen and spit out his coffee in surprise. As he slammed his fist on a red button, the alarm blared. His comrade glared at him with coffee all over his face.

Millie and Loona skidded to a stop as more agents appeared. One held a pike connected to a chain, a kusarigama. Another spun two blades from chained handles and a third had X-Men-like metal claws from his hands. A sign up above read “spicy wires.” Another sign read “Days until last incident.” An agent darted toward them with a long pole spear and they dodged it by ducking. With a leap, Loona turned around and sliced the agent’s right leg off with Millie’s battle ax. Millie shot the agent several times and he fell dead. Millie spun her ax in the air, hitting another agent through the head. She raced up his body to retrieve her weapon before another agent prepared to attack with her naginata sword.

Whoosh!

Millie jumped up to dodge the blow and arched downward with her weapon, slicing the female agent clean in half.

With a drop-kick, Loona landed with her legs spread out before jumping over another agent wielding a kusarigama in an arch. In the blink of an eye, Loona ducked to avoid the pike twirled by another agent with earbuds. The chained weapon instead gutted a fellow agent in the head, the first agent shocked. Before he could blink, Millie had jumped onto his face and promptly snapped his neck. Millie balanced on the pole of her ax before racing forward with Loona toward more agents.

Another agent looked to his comrade, his look ordering him to close the metal door. The three agents took out black throwing stars, three in each hand and threw them at the duo. Loona dodged them as she ran, holding Millie by the hand.

“Throw me!” called Millie.

With a grunt, Loona tossed Millie forward, the imp holding onto her weapon with both hands. She yelled as she was tossed forward, landing on the floor and doing several forward rolls. The metal door labeled “caution, blast danger” closed, Millie making it through. Slashes and screams were heard before the door opened. Millie stood proudly, the walls, ceiling and floor stained with red blood splatters. A sign labeled “out of order,” hung on an un-working red emergency light. Another sign read “Attention: No magicians permitted,” while another showed “Shrek 2,” with an ogre drawing.

“Damn,” said Loona, impressed as she walked forward. “You’re pretty agile for an old lady.”

“I’m like five years older than you,” Millie deadpanned.

Loona and Millie arrived at a keypad. They noticed that the “1” button was worn down.

“Try ‘one,’” said Millie.

Loona pressed “1” five times and the double doors opened. There was a desk with a computer and a potted plant and a sign labeled “D.H.O.R.K.S.” at the top. The duo shared a look and raced in as the doors closed.

0 0 0

Interrogation

Moxxie slowly opened his eyes, his consciousness returning. With his yellow eyes fully open, he looked around. He was in a darkened windowless room. He gasped when he saw he was tied to a chair with Blitzo tied behind him on another chair. Pipes snaked along the ceiling and an overhead light shone on the pair of imps.

A light suddenly shone in Moxxie’s face, the imp squinting his eyes shut.

“Finally awake, huh, little fella?” smirked Agent Two, getting close to Moxxie’s face. “Your partner has been for a while now.”

Moxxie glanced at Blitzo from behind him. Both of their long imp tails were chained to a metal ball on the floor.

“Look, shitbag, it takes a lot to keep me down, alright?” Blitzo deadpanned. “I took a fuck ton of tranquilizers in the college I dropped out of.” He smirked. “Also I’ve been strapped nipple-first to a car battery so I--oh okay…”

Agent One angrily shone a light into Blitzo’s face. “Tell us, demon scum,” Agent One integrated in an intimidating voice. “Who do you work for? Satan?”

Agent Two took the light from Agent One and shone it at Moxxie. “How did you get to our world from the afterlife?”

Agent One took back the light and asked Blitzo, “Why are youse killing humans?”

Agent Two snatched the light back from him. “When did you show up here?”

Blitzo closed his eyes in annoyance. The light was back in the usual overhead position. “Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there, bitch. First of all, we just woke up from a very nasty shock and I’m still feeling fuckin’ woozy so I’m gonna request you to fetch us some coffee before we get into this. I mean everyone gets coffee in shitty movies with scenes like this, am I right?” He grinned widely. “I want something iced, bitch. Mox!”

Moxxie grinned too, happy to play along and annoy them longer. “I’ll have a Neapolitan cappuccino more cappu than cino, make sure it’s got no more than four ounces of milk, the beans won’t have the right texture otherwise, and make sure they spell my name correctly on the cup. They always put ‘Foxy,’ or ‘Roxy,’ I hate that.”

The two Agents stared dumbfounded at Moxxie. Even Blitzo thought Moxxie was going a bit overboard.

Moxxie continued, “If you can’t handle that, I’ll have a Venti traditional Misto. Please use soy milk with two blonde shots, Affogato and Ristretto! I’d also love three vanilla pumps at the very bottom, then add the coffee after, then…”

“Enough!” bellowed Agent One, arms up in frustration. He waved a finger at Blitzo. “We aren’t getting youse coffee!”

“Wow, I was getting massive douche chills just there, Mox. Congrats.” Moxxie grinned mischievously at Blitzo before Agent Two leaned in.

“If we have to, we are willing to resort to torture methods to get answers out of you nasty hell beasts!” She clenched her fist.

Moxxie said, “When you say ‘tortured,’ you mean physical or psychological? Physical seems counterproductive. We would likely tell you anything if it meant an end to the pain, and you would have no way of knowing what was true.”

Blitzo smirked. “Or we may like it too much, and then you got a whole new thing to deal with!”

Agent One pointed at Blitzo in suspicion. “What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, you’re stupid, huh?” Blitzo mocked. “I could work with stupid…daddy likey dummy!”

Agent One flinched back in disgust as Moxxie tried in vain to hold back his laughter, one of his cloven hooves in the air. He then stomped his feet on the ground, tears in his eyes. Both imps laughed as the two agents seethed in the darkness.

“Good one sir, daddy likey…”

“You better stop laughin’ at us!” warned Agent Two.

Agent One grabbed Blitzo by his undershirt. “Yeah! You’re the ones at our mercy!”

“It’s hard to resist, I’m really sorry, I mean considering your approach thus far, you’ve had us tight here, for what, hours?” Moxxie asked. “And you haven’t even had us confirm what exactly we are!”

“What are you?” asked Agent Two, curious.

“I’m a Virgo!” Moxxie retorted. Blitzo burst into laughter, long tongue out, his head upside down.

Agent One let go of Blitzo. “Oh, a smart guy, eh?”

“One more quip out of you and we’ll shut you up!” warned Agent Two.

Blitzo smirked again. “Ohh, getting kinky!”

The disgusted agents recoiled in horror, stepping back against the wall with their hands out. Agent One exclaimed, “What?! We ain’t playing any of your vile demon games!”

Blitzo grinned. “I mean, that’s what it sounds like back there! You sickos!”

“Please don’t give them ideas, sir!” Moxxie added with a playful grin.

Blitzo said, “Why not? I know the shit you’re into!” Moxxie looked embarrassed.

“Stop!” yelled Agent One, leaning toward Moxxie. “Argh! We are not getting kinky wit youse!”

Agent Two pulled her angry colleague back. “Calm down, One! Don’t let these monsters get to you!”

Agent One paced with clenched fists.

“Hey,” called Blitzo, “Aren’t we gonna get our phone call, bitch?”

Agent One lowered to Blitzo’s level slightly and this time had an idea. “Well, that entirely depends…who are you gonna call, hmm?”

“Your fat mom, thanking her for a fat time!”

“Nice try, demon!” called Agent Two, “His fat mom…” she barked leaning forward, “…is dead!!” Agent One burst into sobs in his arm. Blitzo did a blep look.

“Stop insultin’ my mother! She’s dead!” Agent One cried. Agent Two pat him on the shoulder. “Hey, hey, let’s just leave them here until they feel like talking.” Agent Two guided Agent One toward the door and both of them left the room. The door closed behind them.

As soon as they were alone, Blitzo struggled in vain to free himself. He sighed. “Don’t worry, Mox. If we keep being obnoxious, they’ll eventually slip up and we’ll get a chance to get out. Let’s just keep fucking with them until they get so frustrated, they stop thinking clearly. It usually works.”

From inside another room with control buttons, the two agents listened in on the imps.

“Hmm,” said Agent One. “So the demons want to play games, huh?” The two agents shared a look. Agent One said, “Well we could play games!” They smirked and Agent Two raised her arm. With her fist, she punched on a glowing green button labeled “Truth Bomb,” between the “Bitch Juice” and Haha Gas” buttons. “Yeah,” she added with a snicker.

Back in the other room, Moxxie lowered his head. “I’m just worried about Millie; she’ll be on her way by now. I’m sure.”

“Ugh she’ll be fine, Moxxie,” said Blitzo. “It would take a roided-up hippo to take down that woman when she’s upset.”

“We’ve never dealt with the human government before! She’s in danger!”

As green smoke and fumes poured in, Blitzo suddenly barked, “Do you ever honestly shut up about Millie?! It’s always…” He did big wide eyes, “‘Oh, how’s Millie?’ ‘I can’t tonight, I’m hanging with Millie.’ ‘I’m so worried about Millie.’” He then lifted his head with regular eyes, teeth barred, “And she’s always five fucking feet away from you! It’s pathetic.”

Moxxie raised his eyebrows. “That…was oddly personal.”

Blitzo’s eyes widened. “You know what, you’re right. I don’t know why the fuck I let my guts spill like that.”

Moxxie then noticed the green fumes in the room, legs kicking the air. “Sir! They’re filling this room with something!”

Blitzo sniffed. “Fuck! The hell is this?!”

“I think it’s some kind of airborne truth-telling serum.”

“Oh you just guess that’s what it is?”

“Well, uh, just ask me something specific I wouldn’t normally tell you?”

“Okay, uh, does Millie ever peg you?”

“Sometimes,” Moxxie admitted with a goofy grin then, froze. “Wait!” He coughed. “Ew, fuck! Why that?!”

“Heh, I knew it!”

Moxxie fumed. “Well your suit is tacky! Fuck, I’m sorry.”

Blitzo whirled around and gasped. “How fucking dare you! You…have shitty taste in music!” He then mumbled, “I’m sorry.”

“Shitty taste? You said you liked that musical I recommended to you!” said Moxxie.

“I lied,” Blitzo admitted. “I left halfway through!”

Tears were in Moxxie’s eyes. “You-you said you loved it!”

Blitzo wailed. “It was awful, Moxxie! It was about ugly horny cats!”

Both imps bawled out loud, their heads back.

“Oh god Moxxie, I’ve said so many lies to you!”

Back in the control room, the two agents laughed. “This is gonna be a good night!” said Agent Two with a chuckle to Agent One.

“Dammit Moxxie, this is all your fault!” Blitzo barked.

“How is this my fault?!” Moxxie asked.

The two imps then experienced different hallucinations. The two agents watched with glee at the drooling, stoned imps. Agent Two ate popcorn and Agent One drank a soda.

0 0 0

Moxxie

Before his glazed eyes, Moxxie saw clouds part in front of him. He stood up from his chair and saw that he was in outer space. Soft wind was heard. There appeared to be white Greek pillars in the distance. He wandered through the moving clouds in wonder.

“Blitzo!” Moxxie called before coughing. “I-I can’t see you!” Then he scrunched up his face. “God, this smells awful!”

He glanced down and saw he had on a different outfit; a dark gray tuxedo shirt with a black bow tie, a white cloth hanging underneath it, white buttons down the front and white rimmed sleeves. He also wore dress pants.

Organ music played in the distance and Moxxie felt like he was part of some transcendental opera.

“What’s that music?” Moxxie asked, looking around, pointing his finger. “Is that you? Is this a prank? Because I swear to Satan…”

“It is no prank, bitch!” an accented voice declared from behind him.

“Hey!” Moxxie yelled, turning around. “Why do you sound like that?”

“Because you, my precious little bitch boy…”

“Stop it, sir!”

“…are tripping balls!”

To Moxxie’s astonishment, he appeared to be on a hovering rock structure in the middle of space. Rock slabs hovered in place in midair. Curved white stairs were flanked on all sides by rows of lit white candles, also held only by hovering cliffs. The stairs and candles led to a gleaming golden giant organ at the very top, flanked by teal curtains. It gave off a magical Disney-esque feel that only Moxxie’s mind and gas could conjure.

And sitting down at the organ was none other than Blitzo, dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He wore a dark elegant cape with a high pointed collar and a white mask over his right red eye. In place of his birthmark on his forehead was a black broken heart. It was very bizarre for Moxxie to see his boss as the star of his all-time favorite musical.

A spotlight shone on Moxxie, causing him to flinch at the brightness.

Moxxie grabbed a candelabra out of nowhere and hopped up the stairs. The spotlight followed his movements.

“No, what, how could this be?” he asked in song.

“I’ve never tried acid trips or DMT

It’s a bad trip, Oy Gevalt! (oh God!)

Of course, Blitz, this would be your fault!

My lungs are full of honesty

Would you promise me

That you won’t judge me?”

“Yes bitch!” Blitzo replied in a long note, dramatically pressing his fingers to the keys.

“Not trying to divulge too much,” Moxxie sang again,

“But I’m in too deep

So first of all…

Fuck you!”

He angrily pointed at Blitzo as his boss did an alto “What?”

“This is just typical, well two can play at that game of dismay,” Moxxie chanted fast as he walked up the stairs. White candle wax dripped down from the candle surfaces.

“Because if you’re here causing frustration

I’m torturing you and your hallucination!”

Moxxie sang, “Why do you hurt me so?”

Blitzo sang beside him, “I know…”

Moxxie asked, “Why must you push all your friends away?” as Blitzo harmonized, “I push all my friends away.”

Moxxie raced up the stairs and then rapped/talked fast in sing, “Why does it seem like a recurring thing that you alienate with your toxic routine?”

“I don’t know, eventually everyone goes!” Blitzo answered.

“Because you’re thoughtless and cruel and you’ll end up alone!” Moxxie answered.

Blitzo’s red eye flashed in pain and shock.

“Why, Moxxie why,” Blitzo melodized in a low long note. “…have you held your true feelings inside?”

Moxxie placed the candelabra on a white clothed table and sighed.

“I am scared of rejection.”

“Why, Moxxie, why…do you have Millie put it in your butt?”

“It gives me an erection-Hey!”

“No need to hide, we accept your true feelings, so promise me…” sang Blitzo.

“…that I can do, to be true…” added Moxxie.

“The world is your anus, so peg it with honesty!” Blitzo sang, his head briefly upside down. Moxxie groaned as he reached the top.

“I’ve been a jackass, it’s true,” sang Blitzo.

“You’ve been a jackass, it’s true,” Moxxie harmonized.

Both imps then bonded over the song, singing a duet as they both sat at the bench. They first sat back to back, heads downcast, but Moxxie soon turned around to face the organ and Blitzo. They harmonized together.

“But soon as we’re back as ourselves

I will be a better friend

Than I was before.”

Both of them smiled at each other as they both played at the organ. Moxxie soon felt a sense of elation…that perhaps he and Blitzo could get along in time.

“Be better at speaking my miiiiind!

And together we can begin to become

Fiiiine!”

Moxxie sighed dreamily as the fantasy faded to black.

0 0 0

Blitzo

The double doors and the room morphed in front of him. He saw a white light, faint hills and what looked like black liquid ink vines dangling from above. Blitzo was sitting in a chair, wearing a white clown suit with two red buttons. Swirling around him were streams of ink colored red, brown, gray and pink. The area was very dim and eerie. Blitzo stumbled out of his chair, almost losing his balance. The red ink shrieked with an open maw and beady eyes before splattering onto Blitzo’s face. Blitzo examined his stained hand. He sniffed the substance and licked it. Before he could taste it, the ink being shrieked again, causing him to fall backwards to the ground.

Blitzo turned around on his belly and spotted a figure morph in front of him from black ink. It was Moxxie appearing as a moving drawing.

“I simply following your orders,” the doodle drawing exclaimed in a posh accent. “It isn’t my fault if your orders are as nonsensical as a sun tanning bed left out on the cold draining porch of a fresh April shower.”

Blitzo stood up and glared at doodle Moxxie.

“Why are you talking like that? What the fuck does that even mean?”

The doodle Moxxie shifted back and forth from Moxxie’s real face back to the moving sketch. “I am simply speaking Satan’s plain English. Perhaps you should crack open a dictionary sometime and then maybe you can understand half of the frivolous things I carry on and on all about…”

Doodle Moxxie talked on and on as the ink spirals circled dangerously above him like hungry liquid vultures.

“Shut up!” Blitzo bellowed at doodle Moxxie.

“In fact, my dear boss, you don’t know what you’re doing half the time and you depend on me and the Misses to manage your foolish flights of fancy!”

Blitzo fumed and dodged brown sludge flying at him. “I don’t need you, I can do this shit on my own…so easily!”

Brown ink strands wrapped around Blitzo’s neck, choking him and tossing him to the ground. A shadow loomed over him and a grinning brown hued Striker appeared. His eyes were yellow with green circles moving in a hypnotizing pattern.

With an evil grin, Striker spoke in a distorted echo, “But you don’t want to do things alone, do ya Blitzo?!”

Brown strands gagged Blitzo again and two of them tossed Blitzo up in the air. A crazed voice cackled in his ear.

“You tried the solo act, it didn’t work out so well!”

A black and white cartoon Robo Fizz/Fizzarolli appeared near his face, with big wide eyes, sharp teeth and a snake tongue. “Hahahahaha!” Fizz did a maniacal distorted robotic laugh, before twirling his whole body and tossing Blitzo to the inky ground. He felt brief regret for not staying at the circus and resented the clown for outshining him as a star.

Blitzo coughed up in the filth before the pink ink morphed into Verosika Mayday from behind him. He turned around and saw her crawling toward him on all fours. Her hair was straight and white and she wore a short dark blue dress, white arm gloves and white leggings. Pink slime covered her hair, wings, body, and face, congealing near the bottom of her hair. Her eyes glowed red with yellow sclera with long eyelashes. She had a black heart and dark tear-like makeup on her face.

Blitzo had a pained look on his face as he crawled backwards.

Verosika also spoke with a distorted warped voice. “Yet you still shove away anyone who gets too close until they resent you for being a selfish shitty shit fuck!”

Verosika cupped Blitzo’s face hard and her eyes flared with moving white Xs against orange. She bared her sharp teeth. Although they had broken up, Blitzo felt a twang of guilt at his past selfish actions. If he hadn’t used Verosika’s credit card on horse riding lessons, slept with her casually, made her pay for the hotel room…even if he could have let her have the parking spot…

They had bonded over performing in the circus ages ago. Back when both were working to survive and make a living. Then Verosika grew famous, drunk and stalked humans and other weaker beings with her succubus gang. Over time, both of them grew more selfish and careless. They led vastly different lives, never mind they were two different species.

Blitzo glanced around and shoved Verosika away. He scrambled away from the hallucination images of his rivals. Pushing people away had been a survival mechanism he learned early on. It had started with his stern asshole of a father and remained a part of him to this day.

But…the past was the past…he had to get away from it. Always.

Just then, Blitzo saw a marvelous bizarre sight. A heavenly white staircase with gold decorative handles appeared in a ray of sunlight. Blitzo raced up as fast as he could as his rivals stood and looked on. Black ink stained the stairs and white feathers with golden auras fluttered down.

Blitzo rammed his head into an invisible force as the feathers appeared to make the ink stains vanish in white light up the stairs. Looking up, he saw two shadowy silhouettes of himself fan a seated figure. They held fans of large feathers that looked a lot like Stella’s head of feathery hair.

“Are you afraid to love people, Blitzy?” asked an ethereal voice.

The fans parted to reveal Stolas in all his regal horny glory. He was seated on a throne, the back seat of it white with purplish pokka dots. A gold crown was on the top of the throne, flanked by golden wing designs. The throne armrests were also golden and in the shape of owl heads. Stolas lounged his long legs on one of the armrests. Stolas looked the same as usual, with his long tattered robe, pointed gold crown and black top hat with two additional red eyes.

Blitzo gasped as Stolas narrowed his eyes in pleasure. As he crawled up the stairs, a floating feather morphed into a golden manacle on his wrist. Another golden manacle appeared on his other wrist. His clothes returned to his normal work outfit. As he stood up and reached the top, he flinched as another golden manacle appeared around his neck. Stolas let out a naughty grin as he pulled Blitzo toward him on a golden chain like a leashed pet.

Stolas pulled Blitzo by his side and into his lap. Stolas had two fingers on Blitzo’s chin, Blitzo with an uncertain look on his face.

Stolas was a fallen angel after all, hence the angelic imagery. The owl prince was both a caring figure, a light in his life…but also a horny obsessed tyrant. To Blitzo, Stolas saw him as a sex toy to be used…but also wondered if Stolas truly cared about him. Could Stolas, Loona, Moxxie and Millie be his heaven in hell?

Just then, Moxxie’s posh voice echoed again.

“I believe your self-conscience is telling you that you cannot simply fathom proper intimacy, but also crave it well. It’s rather unfortunate sir, considering it’s often how you treat those who stand by you…such as myself!”

One by one, Blitzo’s villain rivals vanished into sludge and departed and the doodle Moxxie morphed in a flash of light…into a princess!

“Are you worried I may have enough of it one day as well?”

Moxxie held up a pink fan and wore a Victorian style periwinkle dress with a pink bow on the front, puffy sleeves and a high collar at the back. His dress sparkled as he strut up the steps with an unimpressed look.

Blitzo had enough. “Stop fucking talking, all of you!”

Moxxie scowled and flipped his fan closed in annoyance. He then vanished away in golden light. Stolas smiled one last time before he too, vanished into golden ink light. The throne and stairs and white plants morphed away as well. Blitzo looked up and saw a hurricane-like spiral of the colorful ink stains in the sky.

“You’re going to die alone,” Stolas lamented to Blitzo.

“You’re gonna die alone!” chanted demonic voices.

The voices echoed and chanted in chilling voices as Blitzo’s world turned upside down and inside out. He was surrounded by molten dark gold, the feathers sticking onto him. The spirals swirled tauntingly above him, distorted voices chanting, “You’re gonna die alone!” More feathers stuck to him, covering his mouth, restraining him, choking him…suffocating him. The world turned crimson red.

“You’re gonna die alone, Blitzo! Hahahaha!”

Blitzo opened his mouth wide, fangs barred in desperation…

…before all went black.

0 0 0

A camera showed Blitzo and Moxxie sitting with their eyes closed. The last of the fumes whiffed away through the vents. The imps’ heads began to clear. They slowly opened their eyes, looking sullen.

“Do you remember what you said to me after my first day with the company?” Moxxie asked Blitzo.

“Not really.”

“I remember. You told me I did a good job,” said Moxxie. “And that you were proud to work with me. I felt like you wanted to say something more judgmental, but…you said that because I needed it.” Moxxie turned his head to look at Blitzo. “And it helped.”

Blitzo stared downcast. “Look, I’m hard on you because I know what you’re capable of, Mox. You care too much about what everyone thinks except for…me because you know my opinion is correct…”

Moxxie narrowed his eyes.

“…but just keep doing a good job, ‘kay? You shoot and kill good. You escape things easy. You can be strategic and cold-blooded when you need to. And don’t expect any more compliments. I’m maxed out.”

Moxxie smiled. “Thank you, sir.”

“You know my name. Use it.”

“Thanks, Blitz.”

A crash and loud thud was heard. Millie crashed through the ceiling, landing on her feet. Moxxie stared with an open mouth. “There’s my Millie!” Millie raced over to the smiling relieved imps and quickly untied them. Millie and Moxxie embraced, touching heads.

“Impressive work, Mils,” Blitzo remarked. “How’d you get here all by yourself?”

Loona then smashed into the room, carrying a battered Agent Two. Blitzo gasped in disbelief, hands on his head.

“Loony?!”

“Get your asses out of here before more fuckers show up!” Loona barked as she tossed Agent Two aside. She landed in front of the group and dropped a backpack, now back in hellhound form.

Moxxie, Millie and Blitzo grinned as they retrieved extra guns from their backpack. Agent One pressed on a button and an alarm blared. Hordes of agents appeared in the room, all wearing dark suits, glasses and carrying a wide array of weapons. A woman with a throwing star, a bearded man with a hook and chain, a guy with a katana. Soon, I.M.P. was surrounded on all sides. The group posed in a fighting stance, pistols, ax and teeth at the ready.

“Okay,” Blitzo called. “I’ve had one too many emotions for today.” He turned to his crew. “Guys, let’s fuck these fuckers up!!”

Blitzo twirled his flintlock pistol and Moxxie grinned with his two guns. The bearded man made the first move with his kursarigama. In a flash, Loona grabbed the blade in her mouth, yanking the chain hard. She tossed the bearded man aside before dodging a red haired woman agent with a double bladed spear. With the chain, Loona maneuvered around and sliced the woman’s throat. With graceful moves, Loona twirled the chain weapon and wrapped it around another man’s neck. She then yanked his head off in a gory mess.

Millie jumped into the air, twirled her weapon and sliced a guy in half. Another guy with a sword rushed at her, but she sliced off his arms and then his legs. Dodging a star, she raced toward another man with a naginata sword, cutting him in half too. Another head of a man was lost to Millie’s ax. Millie laughed like a maniac as she twirled her weapon some more.

Meanwhile, Blitzo and Moxxie were firing bullets from their respective weapons at the surrounding agents.

“Mox, cover me!” Blitzo called.

“Yes, sir!” Moxxie replied.

They fired some more and Blitzo held a sharp green dagger in hand, landing on another agent. He twirled in the air and flipped, slashing at an agent.

“Eat my ass!” yelled Blitzo.

At one moment, with his cell phone with a pink “Thot Patrol” on it, Blitzo took a selfie with another agent before ripping off his head. Moxxie beat another agent with his gun. With his sniper rifle, Blitzo fired some more, the shots echoing across the already chaotic space. Blitzo tossed the rifle to Moxxie, who blew up a guy’s head and then shot another guy.

Blitzo and Moxxie nodded to each other and then charged again. Blitzo fired from atop Loona’s back while Loona karate-kicked another guy with a sword. She leapt forward and gnawed her teeth into his head and throat, shaking him like a wolf shakes its prey. She then tossed the body aside before firing from a lavender gun with a skull on it. “Die, motherfuckers!”

Blitzo stared at her with happy tears in his eyes and embraced her in a hug.

“What?” she asked confused.

“Oh I’m just so damn proud of you, Loony!” Blitzo exclaimed lovingly, nuzzling his face into hers and giving her a kiss on the cheek. Loona seethed and rolled her eyes as Blitzo raced off. “Bye, sweetie!”

Loona grunted loudly in frustration, biting another agent in his head and tossing him through the air, knocking into another agent.

“Watch out!” Loona yelled.

Millie twirled her ax, slicing three agents at the same time. Blitzo waved at Millie and she waved back.

“Hey, Mill!”

“Hiya, Blitz! Just one sec!” she drawled as she fought some more. Millie slid forward and killed four more agents.

“Do you need a gun or anything?” Blitzo asked Millie, holding a rifle.

“Nah, I’m good!” she replied before dashing off to continue her massacre. She tossed a guy in the air and tore him to pieces with a fast spin of her ax. She jumped forward and crushed the neck of a blonde female agent with her powerful legs and thigh.

“How about some water?” Blitzo asked as Millie choked the life out of the blonde woman.

“Sure!” Millie replied cheerfully, opening her mouth. From a small bottle, Blitzo poured water into her mouth and she swallowed in satisfaction. She broke the neck of the woman and the head fell off.

“Thanks, Blitz!”

Blitzo pat her on the head. “No problemy, Millie-Billie!”

Blitzo let out a sinister grin, two guns posed and said in a low demonic voice to the agents, “Now who wants some quality time with daddy?”

Blitzo rushed forward, jumped onto an agent and fired from both guns at the same time. He shot off all their heads and then the head of the agent he was on. He did a graceful double flip in the air, shooting two agents in midair before doing a graceful landing.

Whack!

One fatal hit from a baseball bat from Blitzo to an agent’s core knocked him dead.

“Fore!”

With a grin, he smacked a bomb with the bat like a baseball, watching several agents explode in the distance.

Agent One and Agent Two ran for cover and covered their ears as the explosion rang out from behind them. A body of an agent fell in front of them, a sword fell and impaled the chest. They gasped in terror.

“Why, God, why are we only using weapons from Japan’s Edo Period?!” asked Agent One.

“Hey, the Edo Period was badass and you know it!” Agent Two remarked, grabbing him by his suit.

“Damn it, you’re right!”

“Look out!” cried Agent Two, as she pulled them both to the floor.

Both of them crouched down on their bellies, inching away from the battle as I.M.P. fought. Both of them shared a look and inched forward with their elbows. They flinched in disgust as a head rolled in front of them. They saw Millie grinning evilly after cutting off another head. They flinched as two arms and two legs flew in the air. Moxxie kicked another guy, yelling “Bitches!” before shooting three more atop a pile of bodies. He did warrior yells before Blitzo appeared. Moxxie did another scream of surprise. His weapon fell from his hands and shot an agent in the groin.

“Hey Mox!” Blitzo called. He looked.

“Oh wow, really going for the dick there, ain’t’cha?” Blitzo asked. “Here, I got it for ya!” Blitzo sliced the agent’s penis with a knife. He handed Moxxie the backpack. “Now hold this.”

After rummaging through, Blitzo pulled out a large dark rocket launcher with the words “My Dick” on it.

“Oh yeah! Getting hard holdin’ this motherfucker! Hahaha!”

The rocket fired, shooting a pink torpedo with an evil grin that read “Pussy Destroyer” on it.

Ka- Boom!

The torpedo exploded, taking out five more agents. The room filled with dark smothering smoke and the metallic scent of blood was overpowering.

“Oh crumbs! Is everyone okay?” called Moxxie.

Blitzo stepped onto Moxxie and cheered, arms in the air. “Woooo! How’s that for demon scum?!”

A broken screen monitor only showed shards of glass at the top stained with blood. A drop fell to the ground. Behind the counter, Agent Two nodded at Agent One. Agent One slammed his fist against a red button under a “Red Button” label. The glass broke and the button glowed red. An alarm blared and the rooms turned an eerie red. The glass light on the wall flashed red, on and off.

“Oh shit! C’mon on, fam, let’s blow this cock-iscle joint!” Blitzo called.

Moxxie and Millie smiled lovingly at each other again before following Blitzo. Loona raced ahead before ramming into two double doors that automatically closed. Her wide-eyed face was visible through the door hole. Loona screamed “Hey!” as a metal grate slammed down. Then a metal door slammed shut, and then two slots locked in another opening and a bunch of red security lasers appeared and finally, two restroom doors closed with “vacant” turning to “occupied” on the handle and labels of men and women with fancy hairdos.

Moxxie banged on the door. “Quick! The book!” he called to Loona. Loona growled and squinted.

“Shit,” she muttered. “I can’t…I can’t read the spell in this light!” She slammed her knuckle on the page and squinted her canine eyes. “I can’t see dick!”

For the first time, Loona and the others had fearful looks on their faces.

“Well shit! Looks like we milked this weapon dick dry and now we’re out of badassery.” Blitzo groaned.

“Ha! You demons aren’t going anywhere now!” Agent Two laughed as she and Agent One aimed their guns. The crew growled at them.

“Ah!”

Suddenly, a multi-eyed shadow growled and appeared high on the wall. It appeared to morph from Blitzo’s imp shadow. The agents lowered their weapons and glanced around. A screen fuzzed to static near them, showing a grainy image of something plowing through the metal door. The screen shook then clicked off. A pair of glowing red eyes appeared in the screen reflection.

One by one, the screens snapped off from the pipes and wires, crashing to the floor. A chilling voice whispered…

“Who dares threaten my impish little plaything?”

“Who said that?!” Agent One demanded, aiming his gun at the ceiling.

Faint bird prints appeared on the linoleum tile floor, near I.M.P. Agent One aimed his weapon but a screen crashed into his head, knocking him down. He glanced over at Agent Two, who stood in a very strange manner. She was moving her head rapidly from side to side, her arms slack at her sides.

“Agent Two?” he quavered in fear.

Her face was contorted in pain, her mouth open in an angular shape. Her hands cupped her cheeks and her eyes were wide with red irises. Behind her, the bodies of other agents rose, their eyes sunken black, faces blank. Agent One extended a shaking hand toward her…

She whirled around and Agent One screamed as he flinched back. Her eyes took up much of her face and she bore a wide sinister grin with sharp white teeth. Veins popped out on her skin and eyes. She cracked her neck a few times.

“What’s the matter, demon hunter? Never seen a real demon before?”

Her voice was intermingled with a darker voice and appeared to be distorted. As Agent Two let out a demonic laugh, Agent One noticed the mindless agent bodies, eyes black and empty, drawing Stolas’ sigil in their red blood around her feet. They were creating it at breath-taking speed. Before long, Agent Two fell to her knees and a gush of black energy rose from her mouth. Agent Two, now free from the possession, coughed, black liquid around her mouth. Her eyes were wide in fear as she gasped at the horrific sight before her. Feathers fell around her.

Blitzo and the others watched as a huge shadowy bird slowly rose over them, dark feathers dripping red. Its body was interlaced with what appeared to be red liquid energy that merged with its body like lava. Two demonic red eyes stared back at them, while its mouth displayed a gaping beak with five sharp claw-like appendages on either side of it.

The two agents cowered together in fear on their knees as the towering owl demon owl beast roared at them with a terrible screech. They covered their eyes as the monster showed four glowing red eyes on its face and a gaping open mouth with little sharp teeth on the sides. Its feathery body was silhouetted in the crimson light, as was its talon feet.

With a swoop, the beast diminished in size, twirling in a spiral until revealing the angry four eyed regal figure of Stolas. He glared down at the cowering agents before turning on his heels. Stolas pushed a button and all the doors unlocked, the red light fading.

Stolas walked over to the group, his eyes glowing under the flickering florescent light. His face was in shadow before a light revealed it.

“Stolas?!” gasped Blitzo in disbelief. “Wha-hold on, how did you know we needed help?”

Stolas smiled and lowered to Blitzo’s level. “I have my ways, darling,” he mused. He cupped Blitzo’s cheeks gently. “Are you alright?”

“Ugh, I’m fine, Stolas,” Blitzo muttered.

Stolas pat his head. “Mm. Good.”

Then he roughly grabbed Blitzo’s cheek, eyes blaring in anger. “How the fuck did you get caught by humans?!” He then stepped back and addressed the crew. “Are you little creatures not being careful up here?” He booped Blitzo in the nose. “You know, if you get in trouble, I get in trouble. We don’t want that!” He pinched Blitzo’s cheek hard and he glared.

“They caught us off guard, your highness!” Moxxie exclaimed.

“Yeah, you can unclench your bird-puss, Stolas, it’s not gonna happen again, okay?” Blitzo remarked.

“Luckily for you, most don’t believe the word of the demon-obsessed lunatics,” Stolas mentioned. He bent down toward the shaking agents in the corner. “They are seen as kooks!”

Stolas stood up and giggled. “Kooks! Such a silly word.”

Stolas clapped his hands. “Now! Let us all return!” He spread his hands as if opening a curtain and blue light appeared around a portal. The I.M.P. office lay before them.

“Yes please!” Moxxie said. “I’d like to get back to the correct hellhole as soon as possible.”

Moxxie then glanced back at the cowardly agents and a look of concern came to his face.

“Wait...don’t you guys think we should kill off those agents first? Or at least wipe the camera feed?"

“Nah,” said Blitzo. “We won that fight.”

“Seriously! Why are they still there?! We’ll get in trouble once humans know about our existence…”

“Come on, Mox!” Millie called, dragging the protesting imp through the portal by his hand. Stolas, indeed figured that the two agents were not worth his time…but Blitzo certainly was.

Loona carried the grimoire through. Stolas scooped up Blitzo in his arms before he could walk further.

“Am I going to get any thank you for the rescue, Blitzy?” Stolas asked.

“Well, I suppose you should. Want me to fuck your brains out tonight?” Blitzo replied.

Stolas beamed, eyes briefly closed in bliss. “Very much so.”

“Alright,” said Blitzo with a chuckle, caressing Stolas’ head. “But you’re keeping quiet or I’m using those bear traps!”

He ran a slow finger down Stolas’ feathery neck and the owl prince shivered and sighed in delight. His face was beat red as he said in lust, “Oh, please do.” Blitzo and Stolas then merged their mouths together, their long tongues intersecting and dancing in a passionate French-kiss.

The two agents stood and stared in disbelief as the portal closed and the blue light vanished, a blue compass symbol blinking away.

“So what now?” asked Agent Two.

“What now?!” Agent One beamed with his hands out. “We finally got the evidence we needed to be taken seriously!”

With a swoop of his hand, he cleared a space in front of him. Among the ruined bloodstained pipes, he typed rapidly on a keyboard. Four camera screens lit up after static appeared. The first one showed Blitzo and Moxxie fighting the agents, the second one displayed Millie fighting with her ax. The third showed Loona fighting a guy with a curved sword and the fourth showed in red, Stolas appearing in his demon form, the agents cowering.

Under the flickering rectangular ceiling light, the two agents smiled and put on their sunglasses at the same time.

Agent One paused the screens, showing the faces of a smiling Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie with an ax, Loona with teeth barred and a regal Stolas in battle. The screens faded as “no signal” appeared on them in green.

“Nobody in corporate is ignoring this,” said Agent One before letting out a dark evil laugh.

Chapter Text

Anniversary Plans

Three rays of reddish light shone against the clouds and the dark starry sky. To the casual observer, the sky and area appeared normal as ever. But the tall city buildings with spikes and eyes as part of the design revealed a much more hellish atmosphere. For this was where the imps resided in Hell. Distant yells rang out in the background. A white sign decorated with imp horns, a yellow eye at the top and a red pentagram read “Welcome to Imp City: Second Circle,” indicating one of the nine sectors of the Pride Ring. A tall black office building with giant black and white striped horns jutting from the sides was the headquarters of I.M.P. A light was shining on one of the upper floors.

Inside the building, Loona the hellhound was looking at a magazine with the succubus pink pop star Verosika smirking on the cover, drinking out of a glass bottle. She wore her pink heart sunglasses, her low-cut shirt and her pink scarf. It read “Imp Gossip: ‘Binge Drinking Is Sexy,’ Verosika Mayday Exclusive.” In Loona’s other hand was a brown bottle that she was gulping out off. A bone-shaped rotary phone sat on her desk while a clock on the striped wall read 4:05 in Roman numerals. The front of her desk was decorated with spiky vines and a yellow eye with bat wings and horns.

Loona placed her bottle on a page of the grimoire and the bottle rolled off. Glowing on the page was the trumpet-like sigil for Asmodeus, the ruler of Lust.

By the couch and a poster of a horse with “Ride” on it, a portal fizzed open in white flames. The pink-flamed border showed a forest with orange and yellow trees on the other side.

Crash!

The whirring sound of a chainsaw was heard as one yellow tree fell right through the opening. A man screamed and a slice ripped through the air. The head of a ginger-haired bearded man bounced through the portal and into the room in a gory mess. Moxxie popped up from the leaves and held a black and red chainsaw with a black pentagram on the red handle, grinning manically.

Blitzo held a small black and red ax with a pentagram on it and strut through the portal with an exuberant look on his face.

“Woo! That was a fuck ton of lumberjacks!” Blitzo cheered over the chainsaw whirring.

A grinning Millie crawled sideways on all fours like a spider, a matching black and red ax in her mouth. She stood up and let out an excited primal yell.

“Augh!!! I’m still so jazzed up! Ah ha ha ha!”

She broke the handle with her sharp teeth and happily raced toward Blitzo and Moxxie with a laugh.

“Well you’d better stay ‘jazzed,’ ka cha…” Moxxie pointed finger guns after he tossed the chainsaw aside. He puffed up his chest proudly. “…babe, because guess where I’m taking you tonight?”

“Don’t you dare finish a filthy pun in my presence, Moxxie,” Blitzo chided playfully, hands on his hips. “Besides, drinks are on me, tonight!” He pointed at himself with his thumbs. “Let’s hit up the new dive down the street!”

Moxxie climbed out of the leaves and branches, dusting himself off.

“Actually sir, it’s our one-year marriage anniversary. So I’m taking Millie to Ozzie’s in the Lust Ring!”

Millie’s eyes shone with stars and she gasped in excitement. Her hands supported her cheeks.

“Ozzie’s?! No way!” She clapped her hands. “That place is always booked!”

“Yeah, well, I’ve been planning it for quite a while.”

“Moxxie!” Millie cheered, leaping onto him and kissing him. Moxxie blushed as she kissed him fast several more times. As the two imps French-kissed with their tongues, Blitzo sighed in disgust and rolled his eyes.

“Ugh! Can you two not?”

They stopped but Millie nuzzled her face into Moxxie’s cheek. “I’m sorry sir,” Moxxie said with a lopsided grin. “Maybe another time?”

“No, it’s fine,” Blitzo said with a wave of his hand. “I-I can come with the two of you, help you celebrate your boring-as-fuck monogamy.”

“Uh no,” Moxxie deadpanned with a glare. “The reservation is for us.” Moxxie wrapped his arm around Millie for emphasis.

“Uh huh,” Blitzo nodded with a grin.

“Just us,” Moxxie repeated.

“Mhm,” Blitzo nodded, oblivious.

“Without you there,” Moxxie said, swiping his hand in clear dismissal. “Explicitly without you there!”

Blitzo ignored him and stepped in between them to give them a hug. “I’ll wear something nice. It’s a big deal after all!” He squeezed them in a tight embrace before letting them go. They both glared at him.

“See you love-bugs later!” Blitzo called, as he whistled nine notes on his way out the door. On the nearby wall, a sign with red blood read “IMP: Call us!”

Moxxie clenched his fists and growled.

“Relax, sweetie,” said Millie. “Don’t let him get to you today! Let’s just go home and…clean this blood off.”

Millie made a purring feline noise as she seductively twirled her finger on Moxxie’s chest and near his crotch. Moxxie blushed in arousal, a dreamy look on his face. Moxxie stood straight up on end, his tail pointed up. Millie did a seductive growl again and led the entranced imp out of the room.

0 0 0

Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie soon made it to a golden high-domed building that was reminiscent of Grand Central Station. Six small apples with eyes in the center and wings were decorated behind four spotlights overhead. A large clock with four stretching metal wings read 7:35, a pink diamond gem in the center. On either side were archways decorated with a gem within an eye shape above it. The golden double doors opened from a giant elevator that towered over the imps and denizens below. Above was an elevator arrow dial pointing to different colored gems. Small gold horns curved upwards on the border.

“Elevator 666 departing for Lust…in five minutes,” came a mechanical voice over a speaker, saying “five minutes” in a seductive tone. Denizens began to rush toward the large empty opening. A nearby screen labeled “Elevator #666: Schedule” displayed the departing times for the different Rings like a train or airplane itinerary. “Lust” in blue showed “Direct” and “Boarding” with a down arrow, indicating the direction. “Pride” in red showed “Direct” and an upward arrow. “Envy” was in purple, “Sloth” was in pink, “Gluttony” was in yellow, “Greed” was in green, and “Wrath” was in orange, with “On Time,” labeled next to them. (The colors also matched the sky colors in each Ring).

Moxxie straightened up his large orange bow tie on his black long-sleeved tuxedo. He had a white undershirt, red trim at the bottom, nice black pants and white coverings on his legs. Millie followed him, wearing a short black dress that revealed her legs and the tops of her shoulders. Her dress had a small pink heart on the front. Her black hair was slightly lighter in color, and neatly brushed back. Moxxie spotted her and did a friendly gentleman bow. He held out his arm and she wrapped her arm around his. They strolled together across the tiled shiny floor.

Blitzo peered at them from behind a pillar. The magenta floor was decorated with a large yellow pentagram design. A dozen golden seats with sun-like designs were lined in rows. Moxxie and Millie sat down together on one of the seats. Millie gave him a hug and leaned into him, eyes closed in happiness.

Several rows toward the back, Blitzo peered over a newspaper with a picture of an Exorcist, Robo Fizz, and Fizzarolli’s stage on it. Moxxie and Millie then stood up and wondered toward the open doors as the crowd moved forward. Blitzo followed not too far behind. He smirked and took out his red cell phone. He tapped an icon that read “LoonyPoo.” It showed a grumpy Loona and a smiling Blitzo. A rapid dial tone and a scream was heard. Loona’s voicemail spoke, “Yeah it’s Loona, whoever you are, go for it.” It beeped and Blitzo left his message.

“Hey Loony, just wanna let you know I’m not going back home until real late. I got something important tonight.” He touched the screen and it went dark.

Moxxie and Millie soon stepped into the crowded giant Hellevator.

“Elevator 666 departing for Lust Ring now,” said the mechanical voice. “No need to mind the gap… just slide right in. Stand clear, the doors are closing.”

Blitzo managed to make it into a corner before the doors closed. Buttons on the side wall displayed the Ring levels:

Pride
Greed
Lust
Envy
Gluttony
Wrath
Sloth
Strangely enough, the Rings were ordered on the screen by their sky colors in a rainbow pattern: Pride, Wrath, Gluttony, Greed, Lust, Envy and Sloth.

“Going down.”

The imps felt a jolt as the Hellevator suddenly lowered. It traveled through several glowing portals, first underground and then briefly in the air. The skies were changing color from red to green to dark blue. Blitzo’s stomach dropped and he almost stumbled into a nearby muscular imp. A rush of air sounded from outside and faint organ music played from an overhead speaker.

Finally the elevator stopped with a ding and the double doors opened.

“Exit here, for Lust Ring.”

Moxxie, Millie and Blitzo walked into another terminal station and then out through the sliding glass doors. Blitzo stalked them, making sure not to get too close to the couple. Not only was he entertained by his two employees making love…he secretly desired a relationship like that for himself. Not one where he was briefly used for sex or one where he had to leave like his previous ones.

The sight of Moxxie and Millie happy together propelled him onward.

0 0 0

The Lust Ring

The imps soon stepped into another world. A dark blue sky filled with rain poured down on a city with dozens of neon lights and signs. The surroundings looked like a more shady section of a modern Tokyo city. Catchy sensual jazz music played in the night as demons of all shapes and sizes wandered the streets of Lust. One sign blinked “Hot, Hot, Hot” in hot pink near a lavender sign with two female symbols and two male symbols interconnected. A green “Sex” was in a green heart decorated with dancing dots. Next to “Live” in pink and a green “X” was a neon red winged succubus in a seductive pose; “xs” over her breasts. She had a pointed tail, long hair, a leg with her heel extended and small hearts near her thick lips. Other neon signs shouted “Sex,” showed a pole dancer and one displayed a marijuana plant at the top of a building. More signs read “Tongue Lounge,” “Lingerie,” “Sexy Wear,” and “Kinky” in pink.

The crème de la crème of the city was a dazzling building shaped like a circus tent. The roof consisted of a pink striped circus tent, with lights draped along the sides. Two iron hearts were positioned at the top near two red roses. Over the phallic shaped rows of windows and pink banners was a lit up sign that read “Ozzie’s” in a bold white font.

The entrance to the nightclub was shaped like a heart with a lit up border and two red curtains elegantly draped overhead. By a roped off fence was a long line of demons waiting to get in. Millie looked on at the scene in amazement, arm in arm with Moxxie. They stared lovingly into each other’s eyes before making their way forward. A topless bouncer imp with “xs” over his nipples, a bow tie, and extended bat wings happily let Moxxie and Millie enter the club. He spread out his arms in a “right this way” gesture.

Meanwhile, Blitzo ducked under the rope and tiptoed up the stairs with a smirk…

Yoink!

A hard yank of Blitzo’s tail pulled him back. The bouncer, Jesse, glared at him. Blitzo’s tail was bent in the bouncer’s meaty hand.

“Whoa there, buddy. Got a reservation?”

“Oh yeah, I’m with those two,” Blitzo lied, briefly touching his pointer fingers together, nervously.

Jesse let go of Blitzo’s tail. “This club is for couples only.”

“It’s what?” Blitzo was shocked.

Jesse glared at him, his eyebrows thick, one with an eyebrow ring. “No date, no reservation…” He leaned in, “No entry.”

Blitzo let out a nervous chuckle, looking Jesse up and down. He stroked Jesse’s chin with his finger and batted his eyes. “Y-you know, you have really nice eyes, daddy?”

Jesse was not amused. He tossed Blitzo through the air and he slammed into a nearby dumpster lid with a loud whack! He slid down inside and it closed. In anger, Blitzo lifted the lid and tossed a banana pill on his forehead aside.

“You fucking prude!” Blitzo yelled, flipping him off. Blitzo hoisted himself out and the lid slammed down onto his tail. He yelped and landed on top of some trash bags. He released his tail and lay there with a frustrated look on his face. The windows and the dumpster border were neon teal hearts. A nearby poster read “Lust Ring” in pink and a Robo Fizz poster was there as well. He crossed his arms and looked around. Looking up at the sky reminded him of the full moon.

And the full moon reminded him of…

Blitzo smiled and narrowed his eyes, coming up with an idea.

0 0 0

Stolas poured milk into his bowl of cereal at the palace dining room. He used a purple spoon to eat. His cereal had blue, red and yellow stars and moons in it. The purple and yellow bowl had the family crest on it.

Stolas slumped in a high-backed purple velvet chair, his glowing red eyes slanted and fatigued. He heaved out a sad sigh, sitting all by himself at the long empty table. A bronze space mobile quietly creaked from the ceiling while the hanging potted plant stems extended outwards, giving the room an unkempt look.

Stolas, too, appeared unkempt and dreary. Every day, his relationship with Stella grew worse and worse. Without a word, Stella had led Octavia outside and into their family car. Octavia was spending the weekend with her mother instead, a temporary truce. But one piercing glare from his wife’s pink angry eyes and Stolas knew divorce was imminent.

How cold and empty his castle felt without his family there. But it was even darker without his lovely imp companion. How could Stolas reconcile with his wife and daughter after being so tempted by his sexual desires for him? As fun as being intimate with Blitzo was, a part of him longed to step out of his sensual comfort zone. If he could gather up the courage to really get to know Blitzo…who he was like on the inside…hell forbid, actually feel genuine romance as well…

But everything was so hopeless; he was all alone after all. Would he ever see his loved ones happy again?

Scooping up his cereal bowl, Stolas slumped onto the couch, his red housecoat drooping on his arms. He clicked on the television, the Hell-G Network activated. On the screen, “Hella-novela” appeared in elegant writing. As the show started to play, Stolas turned up the volume several times, briefly escaping from the dullness of reality. He slumped lower in his seat.

Against a pink and white bubbly background, an imp woman with long black hair with a white streak, black horns, and a black dress appeared on screen. She wore a gold necklace, a bracelet and matching hoop earrings. Her mascara trailed down her face like black tears.

“Why, why won’t you love me, Alejandro?” she sobbed.

“That’s a mood, Gabriella,” Stolas sympathized sadly, eating a spoonful of his cereal.

Just then, the rotary phone on a side table rang. The phone speakers were shaped like sunflowers. The ringing of the phone sounded like owl hoots; “Woo-woo-woo-woo-woooo!” Smoke rose from the phone and appearing in lavender letters was a bold message: “Blitzy Is Calling.”

Stolas’ heart leapt; his eyes went wide and he briefly chocked. He frantically reached for his phone, knocking over his bowl of cereal in the process. He lifted himself up from the couch and hastily grabbed the phone.

“Helloo? Hello Blitzy!”

“Stolas, hey you-uh, shit,” Blitzo stuttered. “You busy tonight?”

Stolas glanced at his spilled cereal on the floor. “Umm, why do you ask?”

“I was wondering if you…wanna come with me to a club tonight?”

Stolas’ eyes lit up. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Are you asking me on a date, Blitzy?” He blushed, white hearts appearing in his eyes.

Blitzo paused. “I-yes, I suppose that is what’s happening. How fast can you get down to Lust?”

Stolas eagerly leapt from the couch and raced to his room.

“I can be ready in 20!”

He searched through his closet, pushing aside a hanging red and white shirt from Loo-Loo Land.

“Alright, fantastic. See you soon,” said Blitzo.

“I’ll see yooou, Blitzy!” Stolas crowed as he hung up. He put on a fancy outfit and applied eyeliner in front of a large vanity mirror bordered by purple flower lights. He happily put on blush and admired himself again. With a snap of his fingers, a portal appeared to Lust.

0 0 0

Blitzo paced back and forth on the street next to the “Horny Hotel,” “Position,” “Chucklefucks,” and “Fun House.”

“Come on, come on, come on,” the impatient imp tapped his foot.

“Oh Blitzy!” called a familiar voice. Blitzo turned around and spotted a glowing bluish portal. Stolas strolled out of it. “I’m here!”

Stolas wore a fancy dark high-collared suit with white buttons and a white frilly ruffle. He had long sleeves with white trim by his hands. His magnificent robe displayed a moving red night sky decorated with stars. Blitzo thought he was looking at outer space through Stolas’ clothing. Stolas’ head of feathers was sleeked back.

A spotlight randomly shone on Blitzo, illuminating his dark spiked leather jacket and reddish shirt. “Wow. That’s a bit overkill, don’t ya think?” he deadpanned.

Stolas chuckled nervously and blushed as the portal closed behind him. “W-well I-I just wanted to look a little nicer for you. This is our first real date after all.”

Stolas offered Blitzo his hand and he reluctantly took it. They walked hand in hand toward Ozzie’s.

“Oh yeah, I guess this is, huh,” Blitzo replied, unsure.

They walked up to Jesse the bouncer. He spotted Blitzo and glared.

“You again? Beat it, shithead…”

“Ahem,” Stolas cleared his throat. “Do we have a problem?”

Jesse looked taken aback at the sight of the towering prince. He bowed apologetically. “Oh uh, shit…my apologies, your highness. Uh, please go right in.”

Stolas and Blitzo walked up the stairs and into the building. Blitzo briefly peered from behind the curtain with a triumphant grin and flipped off the angry bouncer before going inside.

Blitzo sneaked around with darting eyes as he entered. Stolas, however, grinned and stood amazed at the grandeur of the dinner theater. He gasped.

“Oh my!”

Blue and pink lighting filled the elegant space. Drapes and string lights hung from the ceiling and blue lotus lights added to the attractive contrasting atmosphere. The wallpaper consisted of Asmodeus’ crest with bull and ram imagery. Blue flames burned behind glass in an impressive display. A mural of an imp with a white dress with a heart on it was displayed on the ceiling. The light fixtures were shaped like large hearts, decorated with dotted lights.

Under a chandelier with blue inward facing drapes and blue flames were hovering cages with glowing teal bars. Inside the cages were dragon-like demons, contained for sexual purposes. A red female imp with dragon wings flew around with a platter of food.

“Oh no; no, but yes!” Stolas contradicted himself as he glanced around in childlike wonder.

Near the penis-shaped runway stage was an array of round tables with white tablecloths and two heart-shaped chairs at each one. A short squat imp waiter showed them to their seats. One of the seats had a stack of books on it. The waiter pushed Stolas’ chair in and left. Stolas happily sighed and sat down in his seat as Blitzo sat on the stack of books. A blue candle was in a holder at the center of the table.

“Oh, Blitz, how romantic is this?! What made you choose such a place to bring me?”

“Oh it just sounded like…” He pulled out a pair of binoculars, “I just thought we’d have a blast here, you know?”

Blitzo peered through his binoculars. At one table, he saw the white-dressed imp butler surrounded by a harem of demons at one table. There was a fat female imp, a slender female imp with curved horns and a blue flame candle on her head, a snake-like jester, a black haired imp wearing upside down cross earrings and a fish net shirt and finally a large goat with an upside down cross and a red flame candle on his head. The butler held a glass of orange liquid, a look of satisfaction on his face.

At another table, Josh and Ace, two male members of Verosika’s crew, sat together at a table, leaning close to each other.

At a third table, a muscular imp appeared to be thrusting and receiving oral from another imp under the table, a long tail pointing out.

Two winged succubi kissing at another table…a lone imp raising a glass…

…Moxxie and Millie staring at each other lovingly at their table.

“Gotcha!” Blitzo grinned.

Stolas sat confused. “Oh, Blitz. What are you looking at?”

Blitzo stayed in place. “I’m looking at nothing; how about that?”

Just then, a small female waitress imp named Crane came up to the table. She wore a feathered headband with a small teal heart on it.

“Can I get you two off…I mean, start you two off with some drinks?”

“Yes!” said Stolas, looking at the menu. “Um, perhaps some wine to share; do you prefer red wine or white wine, Blitz? Or perhaps some champagne?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Blitzo shrugged, still not turning around.

Stolas chuckled nervously. “Well, perhaps all three. Why not?”

The waitress scribbled down their order and walked away. Stolas tapped a finger on the table. “So Blitz, how was your day?”

Blitzo finally looked at Stolas. “Huh? Oh, good I guess. We killed a bunch of beardos.” He glanced back through the binoculars.

“That sounds fun!” Stolas added. “How did you kill them?” He asked a question like it was a typical conversation starter for a date.

Blitzo turned around.

“How? I-I-I mean, there was a lot of them, so I- bullets.”

Stolas laughed nervously again, wondering why Blitzo was acting so standoffish. Maybe Blitzo was nervous at this first date and was trying to act disinterested in him. Or was it an act?

Stolas continued. “Right, right…so what made you decide to ask me out after all this time?”

“Uhhhhhh….”

Blitzo couldn’t tell him about him wanting to spy on Moxxie and Millie. He didn’t want to hurt his feelings or say he wasn’t interested. Mostly he wanted to avoid this awkward moment and go back to looking at his employees. Seeing the people he knew were so happy together…it secretly warmed his heart. But it also made him envious. They could please and love each other as they wanted, with no worry of betrayal. Why was he the one stuck with Stolas who wanted to use him for his own pleasures?

This owl prince who somehow accepted Blitzo for who he was, despite his lower status?

The one who seemed to care for him underneath the lustful exterior?

Before Blitzo could finish his sentence, the lights snapped off and the host spoke to the attendees.

Fizzarolli’s and Asmodeus’ Show

“Ladies and gentlemen! I see some sexy faces around here tonight!”

A robotic voice greeted the audience as six dragon-like demon women with wings descended from the ceiling on clear poles. They wore revealing clothing and had their pointed tails wrapped around the poles. Electricity flowed harmlessly around the pole platforms as pink smoke whiffed through the air. Other staff were there: Lithe the stagehand, Crane, Hen and Robin the waitresses, and goat demons Paradise, Lavender. The flames behind the glass glowed green. The stage background appeared green with metal heart designs. Pink borders with theatrical lights were in the shape of hearts, forming the stage wall. Sliding down from another pole further in the back was a jester who looked a lot like Robo Fizz. He extended his long arms and moved in a backward arch down onto the stage before spreading out his arms in a pose.

It was the star performer Fizzarolli. He wore black heels with blue hearts on them, stripped purple and white pants, matching sleeves and a sharp pink jester top with yellow hearts. Like Robo Fizz, he wore a stripped red and blue jester hat with bells and he also wore a white ruffle. Yellow balls with red hearts were on his shoulders. His face was painted white and a black heart was painted on his forehead. Back spots were on his cheeks and his nose was red like a clown’s.

“Welcome, welcome, welcome to Ozzie’s!” Fizzarolli chorused, “Lust Ring’s number one place for all kinds of sick twisted fantasies. Put on display for all you ‘sleaze’ and ‘sleazettes.’”

Fizzarolli spun around on the pole before extending his twisted body to smile at Josh and Ace at a table. The two incubi gave him a peace sign and a thumbs up as Fizzarolli retracted himself back to the stage.

Fizzarolli spun on his pole once more before walking down the bright green penis-shaped runway. Asmodeus’ sigil in pink glowed at the circular end of it, and the platforms the dancers were on gave off an illusion of labia parts.

“The gem joint of Asmodeus himself! C’mon, give him some love!”

Fizzarolli moved his long arms into a heart shape over his head as the crowd clapped.

Blitzo and Stolas looked stunned.

“Did he just say ‘Asmodeus?’?” Stolas asked in concern.

“Oh, no fucking way. Not him!” Blitzo quivered, hiding his face behind a menu. Both Stolas and Blitzo looked frightened. Asmodeus was even more powerful than the Ars Goetia, perhaps matching up to Lucifer.

Fizzarolli pointed at his face. “I am the one and only Fizzarolli!” He stretched a long blue scroll of himself, making his limbs in the picture appear longer. “Some of you may recognize this dashing clown face from my numerous toy-botic replicas across the Rings of Hell.”

Fizzarolli showed a poster of Robo Fizz in a green downward pentagram with “Fizzarolli” up top and “Loo Loo Land” in blue with theater lights. The scroll folded up and turned into a microphone.

“Gloriously designed by the big man himself and…”

He rolled up a sleeve, revealing his black cybernetic arm, “…ribbed for your pleasure tonight. We have a great lineup for you tonight. Verosika Mayday!”

Verosika stood beside a bar, green banners draped by a large glass shaped case in the wall which displayed drinks, bottles, and wine glasses. Wearing a suit and a pink top hat with a heart on it, Wally Wackford handed Verosika a magenta alcoholic drink with a fish and umbrella in it. He was blushing and had a goofy grin on his face. Verosika wore a low cut black tank top with a white X and O over her breasts. She had a low cut skirt and her pink white sparkly scarf was over her shoulders. She pushed Wally Wackford to the floor, sending the drink falling as well. She grinned and stuck her tongue out as she posed for pictures.

“Wet Dream, and the Squirterz!” Fizzarolli announced.

Three small imps wore black shirts with “Squirterz” on them and white liquid reminiscent of semen. The “Wet Dreamers” were demonic sheep from the Sloth Ring.

Fizzarolli drank a green martini through a curly straw before using his arm to put the drink aside.

“But as everyone’s warming up, I got a funny one for y’all: did any of you hear about the bat-shittery that happened at Loo-Loo Land?”

The audience laughed.

“Ha ha ha, oh yeah, oh wow. I’ll tell you what: I’d sure love to shake the hand of the crazy son of a bitch who decided to burn down that off-brand shithole and then slap a fat subpoena in it, ‘cause I am very much looking to sue!”

Fizzarolli almost appeared to glare at Blitzo. Blitzo and Stolas hurriedly looked away.

Fizzarolli continued. “That robo-me made us more money entertaining those kids than the ones we sell to get you freaks off, if you know what I mean.” He giggled manically.

A fat white-haired imp in the back hollered out, “Oh, I know what you mean! I have four of them! Hahaha!”

Fizzarolli spoke into the mic, turning away. “Okay, keep that guy far away from me.” He turned back to the audience.

“So without wasting any more time, our little opening act is a fresh one! Coming at us from a little imp from the Wrath Ring, give it up for Moxxie…” He narrowed his eyes and waved a disapproving hand, “…with no creative stage name whatsoever.”

The audience applauded and Moxxie stood up with his guitar shaped like an open mouthed red devil monster. The upper part looked like a red skull heart. He tenderly touched Millie on the shoulder before heading up onto the stage. As Moxxie climbed up, Fizzarolli sprang up to a high balcony next to an elegantly dressed figure wearing a top hat with feathers, a high collared suit and a fluffy scarf. The flames brightened the room in a blue glow.

Moxxie walked up to the microphone. “Hello everyone…”

The microphone rang in feedback and Moxxie flinched. “Oh!” He cleared his throat. “Hi, thank you for letting me be here. It’s an honor to play.”

A drunk Wally Wackford slurred loudly, “Uh, hurry up, Bullet and uh, sing boy! I say, I say…”

Moxxie looked lovingly at Millie who smiled. “This song is for my beautiful wife, a surprise for our first anniversary. I love you Millie.”

Moxxie strummed his guitar as he began to sing.

“I love you

More than the brimstone loves the fire

More than Beelze loves her bub

More than a maggot loves gangrenes stubs”

The audience looked on with confusion. It was the equivalent to listening to a person sing a little kid song at a punk rock concert.

“You make my spirit sing

Yeah, you make me glad I live in Hell

Our love is a story sweet to tell

Yeah you cast a special Satanic spell

Over my heart!”

Pink smoke blew from the smoke machine and hit Millie. Pink smoky hearts appeared in the air. Fizzarolli shared a mischievous look with the elegant figure and the figure slanted his eyes.

“Love is a journey we decided to start

Yeah I hope we’ll never ever be apart

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…”

A heart gap appeared behind Moxxie’s head and the smoke turned bright blue. Two blue and neon pink silhouettes in the smoke mockingly repeated “I love you,” to Moxxie before bursting into laughter.

The smoke parted and Moxxie froze as a towering figure appeared behind him on stage. Fizzarolli perched on the figure’s back.

“You singing love songs in my lustful lounge?” asked a deep accented voice in song.

“Ozzie’s ain’t the place for sentimental sounds!” Fizzarolli added as upbeat jazzy music began to play. He waged a finger and leaned into Moxxie’s face. Moxxie’s guitar was snatched away by Fizzarolli. Moxxie fearfully crawled backwards onto Asmodeus’ sigil on the runaway. A dark shadow towered over him.

“What’d you expect from proprietors like us?” asked the first figure.

Fizzarolli’s eyes glowed yellow in the dark, his body hunched and menacing.

“Your demon host, Asmodeus, the embodiment of lu-u-u-u-ust!”

Fizzarolli mentioned to the imposing figure. There was Asmodeus himself. He had a dark blue furry face, glowing green eyes and two smaller faces in his thick cyan hair: a ram and a bull. He wore a navy blue vest and a red undershirt with red heart cufflinks. He wore stripped clothing down his chest to a heart clasp. A black top hat with two feathers rested on his head. On his feet were jagged high heels with red tips. He also had three rooster-like tail feathers, one red, one black and one white. He was pimp-like and similar to Valentino.

Fizzarolli and Asmodeus made lots of money and had to keep their club popular. It was their job to promote sex and lust, thus act the part. Now these two stranger imps were trying to soil their reputation with cheesy love songs!

That could not happen.

The rap song battle soon began.

“Give me a thrust!” Asmodeus barked in a sinister grin. Moxxie nervously pulled at his collar. Asmodeus sounded similar to Oogie Boogie and Dr. Facilier.

“Trumpet!” Fizzarolli called as he played on an invisible trumpet.

“You show me some lust,” Asmodeus rapped. Asmodeus tickled Fizzarolli’s head as the performer leapt onto Asmodeus’ shoulder. Fizzarolli and Asmodeus briefly leaned in close and tenderly nuzzled each other before spinning around in a dramatic dance.

“From the groin to the bust, in desire we trust, in the House of Asmodeus!” the Ring ruler sang.

“Trumpet!” Fizzarolli vocalized again as Asmodeus lowered and leered down at Moxxie, hands under his chin.

“Little imp, you came here to sing your serenade

Perform your feelings on a velvety stage

Well, we got a saying that’s popular in these parts…”

Asmodeus briefly rolled on the floor, lifting a leg before turning back to Moxxie.

Moxxie tried to run but Fizzarolli wrapped him up with his robotic arms.

“Only little bitches strum the strings of their hearts!”

Fizzarolli spun the imp around on the sigil.

“You wanna hang around this lustful town?” Asmodeus asked as a dizzy Moxxie staggered. Asmodeus stopped Moxxie’s spinning momentum with a finger on his head.

“Ditch the lovey-dovey before we knock you around.” Fizzarolli watched in amusement on his master’s shoulders. Moxxie was flicked backward. A concerned Millie stood up and gasped.

“Here we sing about wants and desires,” Asmodeus mentioned.

Fizzarolli lifted up Moxxie and pressed him against two of the glowing cages that held the serpentine women demons.

“Depravity, savagery, loins hotter than fiiiire!” Fizzarolli harmonized.

A pink serpent-like succubus blew a jet of blue fire over Moxxie’s head. A maniacal Fizzarolli wearing neon pink glasses, held a pitchfork with the blue flame on top. Fizzarolli blew out the fire and greedily looked at a white roasted marshmallow. Moxxie fell to the floor.

Asmodeus caught Moxxie in his large hand and sang again.

“So give me a thrust”

Show me some lu-u-u-u-ust!”

Asmodeus stroked Moxxie under the chin; Moxxie frantically kicking his way out of the strong grip. He fell to the floor onto the sigil. Asmodeus stroked Moxxie again under the chin, this time with his high heel boot.

“From the groin to the bust

Little imp, you just must

In the House of Asmodeus.”

Asmodeus spun around on a pole and shook his rear in a seductive manner. Fizzarolli threw money at him and then lifted him up from underneath his back. Asmodeus continued:

“Come on, sing us a so-o-o-o-ong!

Make sure the subject is getting it on

Make it graphic and tactfully long!”

Fizzarolli added, “Be sure to rhyme ‘thong’ and ‘schlong!’”  Fizzarolli smirked at Moxxie wearing reading glasses from a book with “Dick” as the title.

“Go ahead, the mic’s on,” Asmodeus mused as he pushed the microphone in front of a nervous Moxxie. His guitar was back in his hands.

The two stood on either side of Moxxie with devious grins. Moxxie strummed his guitar quietly. “I want to…”

“Yeah, what do you want?” Fizzarolli asked. “Butt stuff? Piss play? Bondage?”

“Make gentle love to you,” Moxxie replied.

“Ugh!” Asmodeus and Fizzarolli rolled their eyes in disgust. They both towered over him, arms crossed.

“What a limp-dick imp, you’re really killing this vibe,” Asmodeus insulted Moxxie. He turned to the audience. “Get a load of this dweeb and his unsatisfied bride!”

The audience laughed, Moxxie going red in the face. Fizzarolli pointed both fingers at Moxxie.

“Hey now, I watched those two pork many times!” said a familiar voice.

“What?! Blitz?!” Moxxie yelled in surprise after Blitzo got up from his seat.

“And honestly they make missionary look, relatively exciting.”

Moxxie glared at Blitzo in disgust. A stunned Fizzarolli seized a new opportunity.

“Is that Blitz-o?” he asked, emphasizing the “o.” “So you’re showing your face? Hey everybody! This guy’s a total disgrace!”

A red spotlight shone on Fizzarolli and then onto Blitzo, who flinched.

“Some nerve you’ve got to comment on a relationship!

Last I checked, your love life is a pile of shit!”

Fizzarolli laughed and leaned in toward Blitzo’s face. Fizzarolli then grinned wider against Blitzo when a pink spotlight shone on the long haired Verosika. She held a microphone and wore her tank top, skirt, crossed x leggings and high heel shoes.

“Oh Blitz-o?” she cooed.

Then she began her mocking melody:

“I used to date him (date him, date him!)”

She waved her hips in a wide seductive manner.

Blitzo crossed his arms. “Oh, Verosika, you’re here.”

“I’d stroke and I’d fellate him (fellate him, fellate him!)”

She was referencing to when they got intimate, when she would stroke his dick and cum and please herself on top of him.

Verosika rolled on a table, boobs erect in the air as fans snapped pictures of her. Verosika basked in the attention under the pink spotlight; one imp had a jealous look on her face.

Verosika continued.

“Yeah, but when it was my turn (my turn, my turn!)”

He did no reciprocatin’ (what a dick-bag!)

Blitzo had felt too insecure to cum on top of her.

Verosika shoved Blitzo hard to the ground and backed him up against the wall.

“A selfish imp in the sheets!

And just as bad in the streets!

A reckless, heart-breaking freak!” she spat, getting in close to his face. Guilt and pain was etched onto his face.

This time, Stolas stood up in concern for Blitzo. Fizzarolli winked at Asmodeus.

“Who’s that at the table? Is your date a demon prince?” Asmodeus asked in song.

Fizzarolli looked at Stolas through a pair of binoculars next to him. The red spotlight shone on Stolas and a frightened look appeared on his face as he looked around.

“Stolas, is that you?” Asmodeus asked.

“Are you sleepin’ with an imp?!” a surprised Wally Wackford bellowed, pointing.

“Wooo! My dark lord, how the mighty do fall!” Asmodeus added in song as Fizzarolli leered at Blitzo on the ground.

Asmodeus sat Stolas in a heart-shaped chair. Appearing on either side of Stolas from blue flames were illusions of Stella and Octavia, eye glowing, faces stern.

“You used to have a smoking wife, a kid, you had it all,” Asmodeus mused.

The illusions disappeared in front of him, only leaving a humiliated Blitzo that Fizzarolli placed onto the chair.

“I hope you didn’t give it up, so you and him could get it on!”

Blitzo and Stolas looked away from each other in shame. Stolas hid his face behind a menu.

Asmodeus was tickled pink at Stolas’ mistake. “You sold your life for a thrust!

Now that’s the spirit of lu-u-u-ust!”

Fizzarolli made a heart around Asmodeus with his arms. Fizzarolli leapt in arcs around Asmodeus as he sang and danced on the stage.

“Grab your groin or a bust

Prepare to get your hair mussed

Pretend you don’t see that crust

Hump ‘til your junk turns to dust!”

Purple penis-shaped firework dispensers shot out yellow blasts of fireworks on either side as the two hosts lifted their arms in triumphant poses.

Fizzaarolli and Asmodeus finished in a duet: “In the House of Asmode-e-e-e…”

Wham!

Millie knocked Fizzarolli to the ground with Moxxie’s guitar. The lights switched back on.

“Hey!” Asmodeus protested at the interruption.

“I think you were trying to sing something for me, Mox,” Millie said, handing Moxxie his guitar.

Moxxie smiled in relief. “Yeah, I was.”

Moxxie strummed his guitar again, Millie standing beside him this time.

“I love us

I love us just the way we are…”

Moxxie and Millie walked across the stage as a sad Asmodeus cradled the fallen Fizzarolli.

“Don’t have to pretend to like to do things we don’t…”

A female backstage imp yawned in boredom and accidentally hit a lever. One of the poles lifted up, carrying Moxxie. Millie happily jumped onto the platform with him. The Ozzie’s logo glowed golden as Moxxie and Millie happily spun around on the moving pole. Their pointed tails were intertwined around the pole as Moxxie sang.

“I’ve always got you around to laugh at my stupid jokes

I’ll never take you for granted

I’ll always give you my best

And if you can offer the same thing

We’ll handle the rest

‘Cause I love you.”

Fizzarolli looked at Asmodeus and stuck out his long striped forked tongue, indicating his disgust. He and Asmodeus happily leaned their cheeks into each other. Fizzarolli then looked at the two imps with one curious and hopeful eye. Verosika drank from a martini glass in the background.

“‘Cause I love you,” Moxxie finished. Millie touched Moxxie’s face and hair. Millie and Moxxie leaned into each other and shared a passionate, romantic kiss.

Despite the nightclub being sexually themed, the audience clapped for Moxxie and Millie’s duet, perhaps appreciating the rare romantic loving relationship that was hardly ever experienced nor encouraged in Hell. Fizzarolli also secretly enjoyed the whole-heartedness of it. He had not witnessed nor felt that hint of innocence since…

Since that handsome Asmodeus helped erase his pathetic past as an imp. When he left that horse-loving accident-prone of an imp behind. Asmodeus gave him a new cybernetic life of fame, sex and glory. He had been born anew and had risen to the rank of Asmodeus’ number one performer…and lover. Fizzarolli was surely living the dream.

Before long, Stolas looked with concern at Blitzo, who was angry and closed off. Stolas tentatively reached a black hand to comfort him, but Blitzo pulled back with a clenched hand.

“You know what? This was a mistake. Alright, let’s just…let’s just leave.”

A disheartened Stolas responded, “Oh. Right. Of course.”

Both of them got up from their chairs.

“I’ll take you home in my van,” Blitzo offered, looking straight ahead.

“Ok then.”

Blitzo crossed his arms and Stolas clutched his head, both of them feeling vulnerable, exposed and worn out.

Moxxie and Millie finished their kiss around the pole. They turned and saw Asmodeus and Fizzarolli watching. Fizzarolli sat with crossed arms and a disgusted look on his face.

“Aw…ain’t that just such a happy display?” Asmodeus asked with a forced smile. “It sickens me!” Then in an angry low demonic voice he growled, “Get the fuck out!”

Moxxie and Millie promptly ran out of the building and headed back to their house.

After The Show

Blitzo drove the IMP van through a portal that Stolas created, stopping by a water fountain at the front of Stolas’ castle. Stolas winced as he bumped his head getting out of the van. Stolas tossed some apple-shaped straw holders back in the van before closing the door. He peered through the open window.

“Thank you for…inviting me out tonight. Despite everything that’s happened, I…I enjoyed spending time with you.”

“Yeah,” an irritated Blitzo replied, not looking at him.

“You know, I have some more wine in the house. Octavia’s with her mother this weekend so we could…”

“I’m not fucking you tonight, okay?” Blitzo spat. “I’m really just…” He sighed. “I’m really not in the mood, Stolas.”

“We could talk, or…watch a movie, or…maybe cuddle?” Stolas suggested, trying to soften the mood.

Blitzo glared at Stolas, anger and pain in his eyes. “Stolas, don’t act like what we have is anything but you wanting me to fuck you, okay?” His voice broke in sadness, “You make that really clear all the time.” He added, eyes downcast, face turned away, “But I just, I-I can’t do it tonight, okay?”

Stolas and Blitzo stared at each other with sad looks on their faces. “I’m sorry,” said Blitzo.

“Okay,” Stolas sighed, with a sorrowful bow. He stood up and stepped back. “Goodnight, Blitz.”

“Night,” said Blitzo.

Blitzo drove away from the castle and out of sight. Stolas was left all by himself again. Shedding a tear, he sat alone on the steps, head in his hands. Everything was his fault, it seemed. Just when he thought that he and Blitzo had grown closer…Blitzo had pushed him away.

Just like Stella and Octavia.

All because of his sexual urges and mistakes.

More tears fell from his eyes. Would Blitzo break up with him like Stella? Would he be truly alone?

Stolas looked up forlornly at the starry crimson sky…and for the first time, he felt like the cosmos and fate were watching over him instead of the other way around.

0 0 0

Meanwhile, Blitzo arrived back at his one-bedroom apartment. A ceiling fan was overhead and a sign read “Home,” in bold letters. He flicked on the light and walked inside, his shadow moving along the wall. Crowded on the striped wall were drawings of cartoon horses and pictures of Blitzo and his employees. One showed the backs of Moxxie and Millie while another showed Loona flipping the bird. In another picture with all four members, Blitzo had scribbled himself out of it. In another one with Loona, he had blacked himself out. Even in a picture with his sister, he was scribbled out.

It was a deep hidden insecurity of his. Although he projected confidence on the outside, there was this nagging fear of not being seen as good enough. A leftover trait thanks to his father Donner.

Blitzo walked pass Loona’s adoption certificate, which hung on the wall in a picture frame decorated with horns at the top. He came to a gray door with yellow and black police tape on it. A sign decorated with dog bones drawn on it read “Loona’s Room.” More signs read, “Keep Out,” “Must Remain Locked At All Times,” and “Danger: Beware of Dog.”

Blitzo picked off a note on the door: “Tex invited me to a party. Be back late. don’t wait up!” Worried once again of his adoptive daughter’s safety and choices, he slumped across the couch in defeat with a groan. A blue blanket decorated with horses and horseshoes was draped over the striped couch. He lay on a pillow and took out his cell phone. It read 3:27AM and had a pentagram touch logo on it. He pressed it and the screen opened up. The wallpaper showed a grinning Bitzo and Millie with an angry Moxxie and Loona, the typical emotions of the group. The home screen showed a drawing of Blitzo with “Me” labeled on it. Many icons popped up, Instagram with a pentagram on it, a Vox TV logo, “Bee Eats,” 99 + unread texts and emails, the upside down McDonalds logo, NV, a Mammon money logo, and a fancy LM with an apple and snake for Lucifer.

He tapped a pictures logo and a picture of Stolas sleeping soundly next to him appeared. He swiped it to the left to show the second picture, Blitzo smiling with Moxxie and Millie, drinking bubble tea. The third picture showed Blitzo holding an IMP name tag to Moxxie, when Moxxie first joined I.M.P. He had been a great addition to the company with his expertise on weapons. It was around the same time that Millie had joined as well. The fourth one showed Blitzo beaming while holding an adoption certificate. Loona growled in the background, wearing a red shirt with a skull on it.

The fifth picture left more unpleasant memories in Blitzo’s mind, for this one showed Blitzo in a tux posing with Verosika who was wearing a black sparkling dress. This was back before Blitzo made all the selfish mistakes, back when they were still together. Before Verosika got carried away by fame and decided to leave him behind. Or rather, Blitzo became insecure and pushed her away. It appeared that Verosika was more inclined to use him for sex and to brag about her own talents than anything else.

Some part of him sensed that Verosika missed him and still cared for him. It was the same irrational part that convinced him that he still loved her. That she was a victim of fame and circumstance. But then the thought would vanish and he would feel anger and a desire to never see her again.

The sixth picture was interesting. It showed Blitzo posing with none other than his childhood friend Fizzarolli. It was back when they were teenagers. Blitzo had braces in his sharp fangs. Fizzarolli had been a regular red faced imp, with the same black heart-shaped mark that was on Blitzo’s forehead. He had black dots on his cheeks. Blitzo wore a black shirt with “Mammon” in yellow on it. Fizzarolli wore a yellow shirt with a black “M” and a dollar sign on it. Interestingly enough, Blitzo’s white mark was gone. Both had greatly admired the jester Ring Ruler for his wealth and ability to entertain. He was a role model; a promise of a better life for them both.

This was back when both imps performed at the circus together…like the brothers they were. After a terrible circus accident involving fire and dangerous animals, Blitzo had gotten the permanent white scar on the right side of his face. Fizzarolli was not so lucky. Suffering serious burns, he was saved only when Mammon and Asmodeus had attended the show when they heard of the incredible performances of Blitzo, Fizzarolli and Barbie Wire. Seizing the chance to be in Mammon’s good graces, Fizzarolli made a deal with them and soon became Asmodeus’ lover and sex cyborg performer. After his legs, arms and horns were brutally torn off, he was equipped with long robotic prosthetics and used makeup to cover all his imp features. Fizzarolli had been ashamed of his imp features the more he admired the big Overlords. While Fizzarolli desperately wanted to not be seen as an imp, Blitzo wanted others to see that he could live life as an imp.

Relieved at being able to hide his imp status so well, Fizzarolli quickly rose up the ranks and became the top performer at Ozzie’s. But he never forgave Blitzo for casing the accident and trying to upstage him. Meanwhile, Blitzo had remained stuck as a clown at Loo-Loo Land with Robo Fizz, resenting his former friend surpassing him and mocking him. It was a terrible betrayal that would always haunt him.

But a small part of him still cared for Fizzarolli…he was family and another victim of fame and pride. And he also thought that Fizzarolli might felt regret at leaving him behind. Perhaps if things had turned out differently…

Blitzo shook those thought away and continued scrolling.

The seventh picture increased his melancholy, for it showed Blitzo and Fizzarolli posing together as little kids, arm in arm. Fizzarolli wore a white clown suit and Blitzo wore suspenders.

The last picture made Blitzo’s eyes grow wide. Just the sight of it broke him many times inside. For this one showed him and his sister Barbie Wire as little kids. They posed happily together, showing a card that read a misspelled “Happy Berth Moma.” And there was the kind-faced woman behind them, her hair long and black with a gray streak in it. She was Tilla, their mother who also acted like a playful older sister. Tilla even performed with them on several occasions. Unfortunately, she had tragically passed away. Blitzo still wore her red skull necklace around his neck. This tragic event had made Donner more abusive toward Blitzo and his sister. Barbie Wire and Blitzo performed at the circus to earn what they could and to ease their pain.

But in her grief, Barbie Wire had spiraled down too much when it came to drugs. She soon ended up in rehab, where she briefly fucked with Verosika. Blitzo hadn’t seen his beloved twin since.

So many lovers and loved ones gone from his life. Because of him. Dying alone seemed more and more imminent.

Tears spilled out of Blitzo’s eyes and he sobbed deeply into his pillow.

0 0 0

Loona sat alone in the back of a taxicab, the brown seats worn. She wore a short magenta-red dress with a black upside-down pentagram on the front. A spiked collar was around her neck. The same night that Blitzo had been on his date with Stolas at Ozzie’s, Loona had texted Vortex and snuck out to meet him at the party. Vortex had promised to invite her to the party back when they were on the beach during spring break.

Loona was not really a party goer, but she figured she’d give it a try, considering how good-looking Vortex was. She also figured she could use a break from being cooped up in her apartment with Blitzo or being stuck at the I.M.P. office all the time. Loona was surprised to discover that the party wasn’t in the Pride Ring, but instead was at a luxurious place for Hellhounds in the Gluttony Ring. It was one of the few places where the low-class canine citizens of Hell could unwind and lose themselves in a splendor of sensations.

Loona felt the cab go through a portal and the sky changed from a dull crimson to a bold orange. Outside were palm trees and exotic plants. Many of the buildings were restaurants, food stores, liquor shops, some hovels with drug dealers, strip clubs and the like. There was a similar theme to the city like in the Lust Ring, except many of the buildings had bright honey-comb designs on it. “Beelzebub’s Hell Kitchen” was posted on billboards and TV ads for a variety of foods and drinks flashed in all directions. “Welcome to Beelzehaven” danced on another large screen. Beelzebub was the princess of the Gluttony Ring and was known for her lavish parties, honey, and fabulous feasts of food.

Just then, Loona’s cell phone buzzed. Loona glanced down at it. “Blitz” was on the screen; her dad was trying to call her. She ignored it.

“You want me to drop you off here?” asked the female driver.

“Oh! Uh, yeah, yeah, this looks right,” said Loona. “I uh…haven’t been here before.”

Loona got out of the cab and gazed in amazement at the Gluttony Ring. Two orange wavy palm trees stood under an orange sky with honeycomb patterns. Nearby was a small teal bridge with honeycomb patterns and small pillars with blue/teal triangle designs on top. The bridge stood near a small flowing fountain of honey.

Loona texted Vortex:

“Hey, i’m her – oh shit - *here, sry. :)” “Tex!!” was also on the screen.

Loona looked up, her mouth agape. Several demons were outside dancing near a green leafy plant in a pot that looked like a gold beehive. Two blue honeycomb double doors led the way into the mansion, where demon figures were dancing inside. House music played as Loona spotted the magnificent honey-colored dome of the building, with the honeycomb pattern and three white marble structures holding the dome together.

Loona put her phone under her dress and flicked her hair back when…

“LOO-NA!” called Vortex, waving his paw. “Hey girl! Glad you could make it!”

Vortex strolled over to Loona, wearing his usual tattered jacket with red spikes on the top, a tattered black shirt, and pants. One of his eyes was white and blind, his other eye was white with red sclera. He had a hellhound tattoo on one of his muscular arms. His fur was many shades of dark grey.

“Tex! Yeah, hey! Thanks for inviting me,” smiled Loona as she and Vortex walked inside.

“Course, course!” Vortex replied before calling, “Hey everyone! Meet the new face!”

Loona blinked, suddenly feeling self-conscious. She waved softly as Vortex howled in excitement. The hellhounds inside howled in greeting. A white hound sat on a gold couch with an upside-down cross tattoo on his arm made of bones. A female dog wearing glasses over her red eyes, held a bottle in her paws. Another dog with a thick afro of hair and hoop earrings held a cup. They sat near a structure of interconnected hoops. Beelzebub’s sigil glowed golden on a honey wall in the background. Lava lamps with flowing honey inside served as the building’s pillars and honeycomb patterns decorated the floor, ceiling, walls, and balconies.

“You want a drink or anything?” Vortex asked, standing near a sky-blue Venus fly trap plant and white flowers.

“Oh, uh…sure, yeah, totally,” Loona replied. Vortex headed off.

A trio of imps stood off to the side, one of them with a broken horn. The Striker fangirl imp who had been assaulted at the Harvest Moon Festival, wandered around with an arm in a cast, a bee pin in her black hair.

Nearby, a group of Mean Girl hellhounds were talking amongst themselves.

The leader was a poodle with red sclera eyes, thick pink hair, a red bowtie on her head and long fake eyelashes. She wore a pearl necklace, red glasses, lipstick, a fluffy collar, and a gray-green mini-skirt with stars. Her tail was decorated with loops of fur and her claws had red nail polish on them. One of her friends wore a plain white shirt and dark pants and another hellhound was a dalmatian wearing a short dress, black on the top and pink on the bottom. All three teens wore red bowties.

“And so I told him, I’m not gonna go get it, unless you fucking throw it this time!” said the leader.

“That is so not fetch!” replied the dalmatian, waving her hand.

“Not fetch…” the leader smirked.

Loona, wanting to fit in, blurted out, “Hahaha! Yeah, like that happens all the time…ah ha…”

The three teens glared at her.

“O.M.G. Loona?” asked the leader, with an upturned nose. “Lunatic Loona? That you?”

Loona held her arm. “Uhhh, yeah, it’s Loona, yeah…”

The leader smirked. “Wow, I can’t believe you’re showing up to another party. I mean, do you even remember the last one?”

“I’m sure you’ll remind me,” Loona growled.

“Yeah, this, this is you, right?”

The leader smirked and showed a picture of Loona throwing up in a closet on her cell phone.

Loona growled. “Why do you still have that?”

“It brings me joy. You know you’re supposed to keep things that bring you joy.”

The leader scoffed, “Wow…you’re being really negative,” as Loona clenched her fists and growled more. “Your aura is really aggressive right now.”

“Oh yeah,” Loona retorted. “Well maybe because I’m in the presence of a massive BITCH!”

The crowd gasped.

“Oh, my dog, wow,” drawled the leader poodle teen.

“What?!” Loona exclaimed. “Is that not an okay thing to say?! Like, come on, it’s true!”

“You can’t say that!” called someone in the background.

“We’re in Hell, shut up!” barked Loona.

Vortex came back and handed Loona a cup. “Did I miss anything?”

“No, no, no…no, nothing…no,” Loona muttered, already feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable in this vast new place.

“HA HA! How my dirty bitches doing toniiight?!” called a female announcer.

“THIS PARTY DON’T START ‘TIL I WALK IIIIN!” Imps and hounds rushed toward the center of the mansion and cheered. One wore a “BAD DOG” shirt and another hound with sunglasses and a “BALLER” shirt, howled in excitement before running off. A nearby bar provided Beelzejuice, a hard honey liquor, and a variety of candy-themed alcoholic drinks. (Rotten Candy, Bubble-Scum, Screech-Peach, Straw-scary and others.)

“OW, OW! Y’all ready to party with the Queen Bee of Gluttony?!” the voice called. “We be dyin’ young, come on!”

Vortex winked and mentioned for Loona to come along. Loona shyly followed him, taking a breath. A honey drink was in her cup. She walked through the crowd and glanced up at the high honeycomb ceiling. There were three levels above them, with hellhounds and imps up above by the balconies. All the ceilings were held in place by honey pillars. Hanging from the ceiling in the center was a honeycomb disco ball. A feminine figure with golden hair swirling with honey posed on a balcony railing between two honey pillars.

“Hell yeah! Let’s make the most of tonight! ‘Cause the honey is flowing tonight! And this bitch bout to get…”

She leaped…

“…FUCKIN’!...”

She landed on the disco ball and twirled around the pole… “…WILD!” The crowd cheered for their sexy princess hostess.

“LET’S GET IT STARTED! OW!” she called.

Loona started into her honey drink as a house song began to play.

“Cotten Candy…Cotten Candy,” the lyrics began as “Candy, Candy, Candy, Candy,” was spoken in higher and higher notes as the tempo increased. The figure lounged and posed on the large disco ball, until her appearance was revealed.

It was Beelzebub herself. She bore a similar extraverted demeanor to Vivziepop’s Kesha “Die Young” Zoophobia animal character. She was a fox-like demon with cream-colored fur, and large ears with bold reddish-pink stripes on them. Her chin was pointed and white and her nose was a small black heart. She had spotted markings on the sides of her face and a pink U mark on her forehead. Her eyes were light yellow sclera with magenta pupils and her eyebrows extended upward like antennae. The tips of her ears had black antennae as well. Her four arms displayed four-fingered nail-polished hands and she danced gracefully on two long legs. Beelzebub had two light-colored bee wings on her back.

She wore tattered short pink shorts with a lower dark pink stripe on them and a magenta tank top that had a strawberry pattern and a heart-shaped hole in the center for decoration. Black fingerless gloves were on her four arms. Her lower chest glowed with a variety of liquid colors of teal, pink and yellow like a lava lamp. She wore a three-pointed black crown on her head and the top of her hair was magenta, then teal, both in the shape of flames. Finally, her long tail and her long thick mane of hair swirled like thick honey and morphed into a variety of colors like rainbow lava lamps. She spun around the pole and sang.

“Hey! I’m what-chu need, I’m what-chu want”

She spun and twirled in the air.

“I got it all, a carnivale”

She flew up to a hound wearing a band aid on his face and a magenta jacket. She playfully touched his face and his eyes glowed magenta as he collapsed in delight.

“I’ll bring you up, I’ll take you down” (“Down” was sounded by a bass drop)

“I’m sticky sweet, stuck in your teeth like…”

“COTTON CANDY!” (Ah-ah, ah-ah)

Beelzebub posed as the lights changed, her hair turning teal, magenta, and purple.

“COTTON CANDY!” (Ah-ah, ah-oh)

She rose up into the air as smoke magic spun around her in pink.

Loona raised an eyebrow and then flinched as two hounds bellowed in adoration at the performance.

“COTTON CANDY!” (Ah-ah, ah-ah)

Using her magic, Beelzebub manifested a red bowl of honey in two hands and a purple bowl full of pink cotton candy in her other hands. She let go of the bowls and the cotton candy and honey showered through the air in pieces, landing in the mouths of the thrilled audience. The hounds stuffed the cotton candy into their mouths as Loona looked on.

“I’m what-chu want, not what-chu need” (Ah-ah, ah-oh)

Her hair turned purple as she posed and winked with a hand over her chest.

She sang and swayed her hips as she walked down the stairs.

“Hey, I don’t know why, I’m what-chu want, but it’s the truth.”

Three hound fans raced toward the bottom of the stairs. Beelzebub ran a hand along one of the hound’s teeth and he blushed.

“I’m not your lie, let them eat cake, let them eat pie!”

Beelzebub created a piece of white and yellow honey cake and shoved it into the hound’s mouth. She gave another piece of honeycomb pie to an excited female hound.

“Or better yet, let them eat…”

“COTTON CANDY!” (Ah-ah, ah-ah)

She danced in front of her glowing sigil by the honey wall. The wall glowed pink and golden, flashing back and forth.

“COTTON CANDY!” (Ah-ah, ah-oh)

A happy Beelzebub sang, flew around the disco ball, and dove expertly through one of the hoops on a statue. She spun in the air again.

“COTTON CANDY!” (Ah-ah, ah-ah)

Loona flinched and growled again as two hounds stared at Beelzebub, tongues out.

“COTTON CANDY!”

Beelzebub jumped from a hole.

“I’m what-chu want, not what-chu need! COTTON CANDY SKY!”

She dove into the hole and swam in a golden orange sea of honey. There were blobs of yellow honey and honeycomb orange walls. A spotlight shined on Beelzebub. She floated on her back in the liquid, her hands resting against her head. Her chest glowed light orange and yellow like honey.

“SWEET AS APPLE PIE!”

She swam happily in a circle.

“I CAN’T HELP BUT SHINE!”

She burst from the hole in the floor, the room now lit by orange and yellow lights. She leaned her head back in a sexy swoosh and her honey hair did a graceful arc, one honey bubble off to the side. More honey floated around the room. Loona watched in wonder this time. The lava-lamp pillars in the room glowed yellow like honey.

“BRIGHTER THAN THE STARLIGHT IN THE SKY!”

She flew again and sat on the disco ball. The hounds and dalmatians stomped to the beat as everyone sang “COTTON CANDY!”

“COTTON CANDY!” (Yeah)

Loona glanced uncomfortably at Vortex, who smirked and moved to the beat.

“YEAH, COTTON CANDY!”

Beelzebub did a sexy sitting pose as her honey-colored hair flowed in the air.

“I’m what-chu want, not what-chu need”

Her arms folded behind her back and she grinned a sharp sexy grin. More honey flowed around her.

“SO WHAT-CHU WANT?!”

Beelzebub slid up to a hound eating a taco at a table.

“Ya hungry?” Beelzebub enlarged the taco with her hands. “Take a BITE!” She shoved the taco into his mouth.

She walked over to two female hounds sipping on margaritas with honeycomb lemons in it.

“Get fucked TONIGHT!” (So what-chu want?)

She enlarged the drinks and poured them down the dog’s throats. The dog with thick hair collapsed onto the table.

Beelzebub waved her hands and a large glass bowl of fruit punch appeared on the ground. It was full of giant blueberries, two cinnamon sticks, apple slices, strawberry slices, and orange slices.

“Your Queen Bee brings the sweet stuff…”

She went over to a teen male hound wearing a yellow shirt, shorts, and sunglasses.

“So, keep making me that mother-fucking honey!”

She tossed him into the punch bowl with her glowing tail, his shirt flying off. Three other male hounds took off their shirts and jumped excitedly into the punch.

“Yeah, keep it comin’!”

“COTTON CANDY!” (Ah-ah, ah-ah)

The four male hounds smiled, floated on their backs, and waved their arms and legs in circles. Punch bubbled out of their mouths. They were like children making snow angels.

“What the fuck?” Loona mouthed as Beelzebub handed two cotton candies to two female hounds.

“COTTON CANDY!” (Ah-ah, ah-oh)

“COTTON CANDY!” (Ah-ah, ah-ah)

Vortex smiled and took a bite out of his cotton candy. Loona blushed.

Beelzebub showered pieces of candy onto her audience in the air.

“I’m what-chu want, not what-chu need. COTTON CANDY SKY!”

She waved her hand and a golden stream of honey flew up from a hole and knocked a hound down wearing a “SIT SIT” jacket.

With a wave of her hand, another jet of honey shot up in the air like a geyser. More rivers of honey danced through the air and around Beelzebub.

“SWEET AS APPLE PIE!”

“I CAN’T HELP BUT SHINE!”

The honey swirled into a spiral on the ceiling, then exploded into rainbow light. More pieces of pink cotton candy rained down on the excited crowd. The honeycomb ceiling glowed rainbow light with sparkles.

“BRIGHTER THAN THE STARLIGHT!”

“COTTON CANDY SKY!”

“SWEET AS APPLE PIE!”

She spun around the pole again as honey streams danced with her.

“I CAN’T HELP BUT SHINE!” (Whoo!)

“BRIGHTER THAN THE STARLIGHT IN THE SKY!”

Beelzebub sang her final note, leaping into the air as the honey streams spun around her, encasing her in a ball of light. The bass dropped one last time and the light exploded, showering rainbow confetti onto the audience. The hounds howled and cheered. A hound wearing a “DIG IT” jacket, shook his female friend in excitement. Vortex clapped in approval, while Loona shook off the cotton candy and candies in her mane. The lights returned to normal.

0 0 0

“OW, OW! Vortex!” called Beelzebub, swaying her hips. She leaped and grabbed Vortex’s shoulder affectionately. “The party is buzzing now! FUCK!”

Beelzebub stood up on the floor and pushed her colorful teal and magenta hair out of her face. “I feel like I went a little too hard with the confetti this time, though.” She waved her hands and a sparkly rainbow appeared. “I have like a rainbow in my vagina right now.”

Loona stared at her with a perplexed expression. She thought Vortex was hot and now she thought this bee princess was hot…despite her personality being the antithesis of Loona’s.

“Oh hey! Is this the sweet pup you told me about?” Beelzebub asked Vortex.

“Excuse me?” Loona asked.

“She’s a fuckin’ cutie! Where you been hiding, girl?” laughed Beelzebub.

“Is there something funny?” Loona asked, suspicious.

“Nah, I’m just really high on all this tasty energy right now,” said Beelzebub. “Tex says you don’t get invited out much. I hope this itty-bitty get-together can serve as a fun first time.”

Loona rolled her eyes as she watched a dog slide down a banister and flop to the ground after getting hit in the groin.

Beelzebub continued. “I would’ve thrown a bigger one, but I couldn’t convince Belphegor in the Sloth Ring to let me break into her stash of party drugs. So fuckin’ lame. I mean, I usually just steal them, but Belle changed the locks. She says I’m a total “jackass” for tying but, hey…”

She made a peace sign with one hand and twirled a beer bottle in another.

“…I’m proud to be a total jackass.”

She took a big drink from the bottle.

“Ha! Anyway, yeah, Bee, this is Loona,” Vortex introduced. “And Loona, this is my girlfriend, Bee.” He pulled her close for a side hug.

“Nice ta meecha, BITCH!” Beelzebub greeted with a peace sign.

“Oh, this is…she’s HOT!” Loona breathed.

“Ha!” Beelzebub laughed. “Holy shit! Okay, Tex, you didn’t tell me she was hilarious. That’s so funny.”

“Right…” Loona glanced off to the side.

“I love that that’s the first thing you say to me. You don’t give a shit how freaky you come off. And that’s fucking beautiful.”

Loona wondered if Beelzebub actually liked her or if she had called her a low-class freak.

Loona parted her hair awkwardly.

“You are my new favorite person,” Beelzebub said, pulling her close.

“Am I, though?” Loona asked, uncomfortable at being touched by a stranger. She felt especially awkward with being in front of royalty.

“Yeah, BITCH!” said Beelzebub. “No, really. Reminds me of the first time I saw Satan without a shirt on. I was like, “OOF BOY, YOU ARE HOT AS HELL! But then I wanted to die, ‘cause it was so awkward, ‘cause he’s more like a brother to me, you know? But not ACTUALLY my brother, so I guess…it was fine. I COULD hit that…”

Vortex glanced around, awkwardly. Loona flinched and weakly nodded.

“Anyway, girl, you have a good time tonight,” Beelzebub chimed to Loona. “Get some sweets, get some eats, drink it, tear it, fuck it up! WHOO!”

Beelzebub wandered around to the other guests. “Cheers honey! Thank you for coming!”

A dog with an eyepatch and a black shirt that read “SIT, SIT,” was pouring drinks onto another hound with a white cone over his head. A large dog with shaggy fur wore a shirt that read “WOOF.”

“Do you need anything? Are you having fun? Are you good?” asked Beelzebub.  “Are you drunk?” asked Beelzebub to the hound with the cone, who nodded. “Okay, good, okay great!”

Vortex smiled as Beelzebub left, while Loona looked on.

“Yeeeah, I’m gonna go,” Loona mentioned, eyes downcast.

“What? Why?” asked Vortex. “You just got here! At least one drink, right?”

Loona placed her cup on the stair pillar. “Nope. You really wouldn’t like me after one drink.”

Loona walked out the doors, tears in her eyes. Vortex stood in the doorway in concern. Loona felt like she stood out like a sore thumb among the other hellhounds. And though Beelzebub had welcomed her, Loona perceived it as something superficial, like she was still being talked down to. Not to mention, she was a bit envious of Vortex’s hot girlfriend. How could she ever be a perfect royal girlfriend for Vortex?

0 0 0

Back at Blitzo’s apartment, Blitzo’s phone vibrated with a barking ringtone. A half-eaten carton of chocolate ice cream was on the couch. Blitzo sat up groggily, wiping drool from his mouth. He wore a leather jacket with spikes on it and a white shirt that read “Wild Whorses” in red. Blitzo glanced at Loona’s text and his eyes bulged from his head in surprise.

Loona leaned her head back and sighed.

“So stupid. I shouldn’t have come.”

Minutes later, the I.M.P. van swerved around the corner and knocked over a potted plant. The van stopped in front of Loona and Blitzo rolled down his window.

“Hey Loonie, how ya doin’? You alright?” he asked in concern.

Loona got into the van and crossed her arms. “Yeah. I’m fine. I just wanna go.”

A large hellhound with a purple and gold jacket and a skull shirt came over and leaned against the van. “Huh? The hottie next to you wants to leave already?”

“Watch it,” Blitzo growled.

Just then, an imp wearing a shark-tooth necklace and a “Voxflix and Chill” shirt came over.

“Hey, hey! That sounds like Blitzo!”

Blitzo seethed. “The “o” is silent, asshole!”

“Hey, hey, I knew it was you,” said the imp. “Fuck man, where you been? You here for the party?”

“No, I’m just here picking up my daughter,” said Blitzo. Loona covered her face in embarrassment.

The imp peered into the van. “Oh shit! You have a daughter now?”

“ADOPTED!” Loona yelled in frustration.

The imp chimed in, “Oh man, you already leaving? Things just got started. Come in and show us all up again.”

“No, no thank you, but I think Loonie wants to head back,” said Blitzo. “Besides, those old partying days of ours are over.”

“Come on, man. Surely you have enough gusto for one more? Your daughter can join our group if she wants.”

Loona sat and thought for a moment.

Blitzo began, “I think we need to go, m’kay? I think it’s been a long night.”

“Wait,” said Loona to Blitzo. “I mean, we could stay a little longer. These people seem to know you and I could go with your friends.” She brightened when she saw Vortex. “Come on, I think I want to give this another try. Please?” She widened her eyes into puppy-dog ones.

Blitzo sighed and put his fingers to his face. He held up one finger. “Okay, fine, maybe ONE drink.”

0 0 0

Several drinks later, Blitzo had a stoned expression on his face as two hellhounds held him in the air back in the mansion. One of them had the upside-down cross tattoo. Another hound opened up a black keg with beer in it. Another hound wore a shirt that read “DIG IT.” Blitzo gulped down the beer through a hose. Loona, the large male hellhound, a thick-haired hound with the “WOOF” shirt and a slender female hound with hoop earrings were chanting “BLITZ! BLITZ! BLITZ! BLITZ!”

“Aaargh!” Blitzo exclaimed as he flipped himself upright. Howls and cheers followed his performance. Loona also howled in approval, forgetting her previous discomfort. Thanks to Blitzo’s arrival, she finally felt like she fit in.

Blitzo wiped his mouth and wiggled his long snake-like tongue in the air.

“HA, HA! That was nothing, bitch! Give me a real challenge!”

Beelzebub appeared from behind the crowd, holding a chicken leg in one of her hands. “Oh yeah?” she taunted. “Wanna fucks with the big bitch, imp boy?”

She poked Blitzo in the chest with the chicken leg. “I got a challenge for ya.”

The mean girl poodle stood up and drawled, “Oh…he’s gonna die.”

Vortex made a rocker horns sign with his claws, while holding two honeycomb kegs of Beelzejuice in his other hand. “Aaalright, let’s do this!”

He placed the kegs down and clapped his hands together. “From Bee’s personal supply, the hardest shit there is. Beelzejuice mead with honey and a hint of cotton candy!”

Vortex leaned over to Blitzo. “You ready, my man?”

“OH, BORN READY!” Blitzo bellowed.

Blitzo turned the lid on the keg and tried to open it. “Bring it, barky! I will drink you under this fucking table! You have no idea what kind of night I’ve had…”

Beelzebub lifted up the kegs with her magic, the kegs glowing gold. Lavender-colored hellhound figures made of magic energy raced around the kegs in the air, bringing down drinking hoses for Beelzebub and Blitzo. Blitzo took hold of his hose.

“Alright, shit talker,” said Beelzebub with a smirk, pulling her keg, “…but there hasn’t been a soul yet who can beat me at my own game! So, you better bring the fire, baby.”

Blitzo retorted, “Oh, is Queen Bee too scared to lose to a little imp like me?!”

Beelzebub smirked and her eyes glowed golden. “Oh okay, let’s get it on, you little bastard.”

Vortex swiped his arm down and the contest began. Blitzo and Beelzebub gulped down the Beelzejuice through their hoses.

“Come on, Blitz!” called Loona, “Fuck her up! You can do it!”

Loona’s encouraging words quickened Blitzo’s gulps. Blitzo pulled the keg down and popped open the lid. The cheers grew louder as Blitzo dumped the whole keg upside down. The golden mead poured into his mouth as he swallowed. The poodle, Beelzebub and Vortex looked on with stunned expressions. Before long, Blitzo’s keg was empty and he stood on top of it in victory.

“WHO’S THE QUEEN NOW?!” Blitzo hollered as everyone cheered and whooped. Blitzo had finally received adoration and appreciation from the crowd, something he kept longing for.

“YEAH! THAT’S MY DAD!”  Loona yelled, shaking the slender female hound in excitement. Blitzo’s heart danced at hearing his daughter call him that.

Beelzebub lowered her keg and folded her arms. “Well fuck me! That’s a first. I haven’t had a first in a while. That was magical, seriously, impressive.” Beelzebub bowed her head to Blitzo. “I tip my crown to you, imp boy. Respect.”

Beelzebub howled out loud and the crowd threw their cups into the air as they howled with joy. Blitzo lifted his arms in the air, his eyes crossing. He fell backward but was quickly carried along by the crowd as they cheered. Vortex and Beelzebub gave each other concerned looks as they watched the drunken Blitzo go.

0 0 0

“Monster’s Ball” played over the speakers.

“Ladies and gentlemen, non-binary specimen

The ceremony master has arrived

Queen Bee I be, the H.B.I.C.

The hottest dog fresh off the grill, yeah, that’s a vibe

If you don’t already know, these bitches bad to the bone

I’m not alone, all my ladies in the zone

We’re hounds of hell and we rollin’ ‘til the party comes home

I’m on a roll, everybody lose control

So-so tell me what you want, get me drinkin’ alcohol

Ketamine and fentanyl, boys and girls, I got it all

From the window to the wall, from the woman to the hole,

Little word to the wise, it’s no time to snarl

Everything going on upstairs is crazy

Come dig a little deeper down and take it for a day with me

Baby, we’re up all night ‘til we get enough

This is the appetite of Beelzebub

‘Cause once they don’t give up, open up your jaws

Until there’s nothing left of the Monster’s Ball” (Let’s go now. Dubstep techno beat)

Loona was laughing with her new hound female friends when Vortex tapped her on the shoulder. Loona turned around.

“Hey Loon, I don’t mean to be a buzz kill here, but your uh…dad…guy dude…” he put a hand behind his head, “…is um…he’s seeming a bit…”

“Out of control,” added Beelzebub. “Like…a mess.”

“Yeah, it’s worrisome, you wanna maybe check on him or something?” Vortex asked.

“What?! No! No, Blitz, is fine. He’s always a mess, trust me,” said Loona.

“Look honey, I see people having fun and getting fucked up all the time,” Beelzebub mentioned. “But he’s clearly getting wasted off his ass and causing problems on purpose. So, I feel like, you should check up on him at least. Just see if something’s up.”

The two female hounds peered from behind a corner.

“Are you sure? Can I trust someone whom everybody likes so much?”

“Yeah, sour cream. I’m pretty sure he’s had like four tongues inside him at once,” Beelzebub folded her arms. “I mean…good for him, but…I can taste the flavor of people at my parties, and he’s giving off a very…not okay vibe, you know?”

“I’ll…I’ll check on him,” Loona sighed. She knew better than to argue with a princess who could turn into a giant version of herself with flaming hair and magenta eyes.

Beelzebub spoke to Vortex. “I may have gotten a little spicy there, but…I hope everything works out. Now let’s dance!” She happily pulled Vortex onto the dance floor.

0 0 0

Loona maneuvered through the crowd. “BLITZ! BLITZ!  Where are you, shithead? Blitz…”

Loona turned a corner and gasped. A big hound wore a purple shirt that read “No respect” on it. Near an imp female with short hair and the “Voxflix and Chill” imp, was Blitzo and another imp engaged in French kissing. Their long tongues interlaced.

“Oh, piss on a dick!” Loona swore. She shoved the imp away and grabbed Blitzo by the collar. “What the fuck are you doing, Blitz?!”

The two imps on the couch scurried away.

“This guy,” Blitzo grinned, pointing to the guy he had French kissed. The imp waved, wearing a tuxedo and a wool hat.

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a god damn orgy, STOP!” Loona barked.

Blitzo slurred, “Look I didn’t expect you to come in here and see any of this Loonie, I’m so sorry. But it’s a party, I’m just having fun with, uh…”

Blitzo turned around to the imp. “The fuck is your name again?”

“Dennis,” said the imp.

“Christ on a stick, you would be a Dennis,” Blitzo muttered angrily. He waved his arms and Dennis ran off. “Get the fuck away from me! I’m not fucking a Dennis tonight! I need a Monica or Alejandro in here STAT!”

A large white-haired imp grabbed Blitzo and pulled him close. He wore black leather pants, a gray tank top, spiked bracelets, and a skull on his belt.

“Better,” Blitzo grinned.

Loona punched the large imp hard in the face and he collapsed. Blitzo flopped into Loona’ arms.

“You don’t need anyone else sucking your face, freaky weirdo,” Loona grunted. “You need to drink something other than Beelzejuice.”

“Uuurgh no,” Blitzo moaned, waving his arms in the air. Loona carried him out of the mansion and placed him in on a red seat in the I.M.P. van.

Loona turned around and waved goodbye to Vortex, the large hellhound with the skull shirt and her female hound friends.

This lavish party had been fun after all. Loona felt great that she had finally felt included. She got into the van and drove Blitzo home.

“Do you need to throw up?” Loona asked Blitzo as he stared out the open window.

“Mmm…no,” he groaned.

Loona laughed and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, you do.”

0 0 0

Loona punched on the light switch and carried Blitzo into the apartment. She placed him on the striped couch with the blue horse blanket on it. His head rested against a blue pillow. A Loo-Loo Land apple pin and an I.M.P. pin were on the refrigerator. Loona filled up a glass of water from the sink and brought it over to her dad. A large blue rug had skull designs on the corners, two eye designs and a black pentagram on it.

“I had a really shitty day,” Blitzo groaned.

“Oh yeah? Is that why you drank like five gallons worth of who knows what?” Loona asked.

Blitzo flinched. “Fuck, Fizz was right. I’m gonna die alone, aren’t I? Just a wrinkled, old, withered waste…” The nightmare vision with Fizzarolli was coming back to Blitzo, haunting him relentlessly.

Loona had no idea where he got that morbid idea from.

“Will you be there, Loonie?”

“Be where?”

Blitzo mumbled drunkenly into his pillow, “I dunno…lonely...die alone…”

“I’ll be there, dad,” she said, tucking Blitzo in with the horse blanket. “Now go the fuck to sleep…okay?”

Loona turned the lights out and headed into her bedroom.

“Millie…Moxxie…Stolas…” Blitzo muttered.

Blitzo lifted his head and promptly vomited on the floor.

“Fuck! Yeah, I did need to throw up!”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER I: STOLAS’ BIRTH c. 1984

King Paimon and Queen Nebula both sighed happily after their fun make-out session in their satin king-size bed. Nebula’s four eyes were red, her face was white, and her long feathery hair was brown. Both she and her husband were tall, white-faced, and appeared like tall owls. Her silver crown with a star on top of it lay on a nearby dresser with Paimon’s three-pointed gold crown.

“That was…” Paimon breathed.

“…fucking amazing,” Nebula finished.

They both took deep breaths and stared at the ceiling, then gazed into each other’s eyes. Their royal robes and garments were tossed on the floor.

“What a lucky man I am to spend quality time with such a beautiful lady…and the sister of Decarabia, no less,” Paimon sighed.

“Well, my brother does have a knack for turning things into birds and showing off his collection of precious stones,” she replied.

After several more minutes, the queen owl winced. “Speaking of stones, I…”

She grunted for a second.

“Are you alright, dear?” Paimon asked.

“Yeah, I just feel… like I’m hard inside…”

She groaned again.

“Oh, so now you decide to climax,” Paimon snickered. “At least wait until I’m fully prepared…”

“No, you birdbrain!” she moaned. “It’s the egg…the egg’s coming!”

Nebula bent over and spread out her legs. Paimon clapped his hands and a female imp servant wearing a black maid outfit rushed into the room. Owl-screeches came from Nebula’s mouth as she slowly pushed the egg downwards.

“That’s…an ugly sound, dear,” Paimon winced, not even trying to help her.

“You’re doing great, your highness,” said the red imp lady. She placed some towels underneath Nebula. After several more pushes…

Plop!

A large round white egg slipped out and landed safely onto the red towels. Nebula collapsed in relief.

“Well,” said Paimon, eyebrow raised. “That was unexpected.”

Nebula cradled her egg close to her as the imp helped her cool off.

“Well at least you won’t stuff yourself with mice every couple of hours anymore,” Paimon remarked. “I was worried you’d go off and eat every rodent in the Pride Ring.”

Nebula could only give him a tired glare.

After Nebula recovered, she had the female imp put the egg in a special place to keep warm. After washing it, the egg was placed on a royal pink cushion under dark purple curtains. She even added a gold crown to the top of the egg.

Paimon yawned loudly. “Let me know when it hatches. I’m going back to sleep.”

The egg hatched a couple days later. An excited Nebula wandered over and examined her newborn hatching.

“Look at our son!” she said. She briefly made a disgusted face, but then she shrugged.

Paimon leaned down to take a closer look.

“Eck!” He flinched at the sight of the hatchling’s orange face, swollen purple eyes, wrinkled beak, and a few feathers atop its head. “Why are they always so ugly?”

“He can’t help it,” Nebula said. “You know he’ll grow his feathers soon enough.”

Nebula washed her chick and fed him a spoonful of worms. He ravenously gulped them down. Later, she wrapped him in a red bundle with a gold pin showing the Goetia family sigil on it. She placed him in a crib, where he slowly drifted to sleep after she sang a cosmic lullaby.

“As the stars and suns align

Know in my arms you are fine

You will be okay

Everything will be okay

In the cosmos dark and deep

My sweet baby goes to sleep

You’ll be ready for a new day

And you will be okay”

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Nebula exclaimed after she finished her song. She placed a green star toy and a red demon Max bunny rabbit with four small imp horns into his crib.

“My imp caretaker gave me that rabbit a long time ago,” she said. “I bet he will love it.”

“Imps,” Paimon scoffed. “Nothing special about them other than their servitude to us.”

Nebula looked at the beautiful starry night sky through the window and smiled.

“I have the perfect name for him. Prince Stolas!”

“Stolas! I like it!” Paimon clapped and hooted. “He’ll be a great prince in no time!” He paused. “Give or take a few decades.”

“Don’t rush him too much, dear,” Nebula reminded him. “Even though we completed our obligation to produce an heir, I say we enjoy our time with our child as much as we can.”

“Okay then,” Paimon said.

But several times during the days that passed, Paimon would claim he was “busy” with royal duties, a.k.a. riding his terror-inducing camel through the deserts of Wrath and drinking Lucifer’s Apocalypse Apple alcohol drinks with other rich ladies. Nebula didn’t mind too much; she herself was busy tending to the young Stolas and fulfilling her own obligations.

CHAPTER II: STOLAS’ CHILDHOOD

Stolas grew up fast and soon became a fluffy, adorable owlet. He cuddled his red rabbit everywhere he went, posing on a red cushion for a picture. He even had it in his arms when a giant Venus Flytrap dribbled green slime onto the top of his head.

“You sure are a natural with plants, son,” remarked his mother proudly as Stolas fed a small piece of meat to a baby flytrap. The plant nudged Stolas in thanks before basking in the hellish sun. Nebula taught Stolas all about healing plants as well as poisonous ones. Stolas got to gaze into beautiful crystals from far and wide. Some were tall and blue, others pulsed with red energy. A few were black and were specialized for dark energy spells.

“There are many kinds of crystals,” Nebula explained as she hovered her hand around lined books, skulls, and gems in one of the libraries. “Luciferian crystals, those are the black ones, for advanced hexing and magic. Satan crystals, the red ones, are for power. The purple ones from the Sloth Ring induce calmness, and the green ones create a desire for greed and accomplishment.”

She held up a couple teal-white crystals on necklaces, Stolas mesmerized by their glow. “These ones are special: the Asmodean Crystals. Mined by imps in the Ring of Lust, and infused with power by Asmodeus himself. Popular to use for jewelry, these crystals allow the person to project strong feelings of love and passion onto a chosen subject. In addition, it allows for succubi and incubi to access the Living World.”

“The Living World?” Stolas asked in wonder.

“Indeed. Succubi and incubi are one of few demons other than the elite who have easy access to that world. Asmodeus sends them there to seduce humans, thus encouraging them to sin. Then when they die, they help increase Hell’s population!”

“Cool,” Stolas breathed.

“Of course, they are under strict lock and key,” said Nebula, tucking them away. “Wouldn’t want any royalty or imps or villains stealing them and causing more family problems in the future! Now let’s review your demonic Latin and Enochian words.”

0 0 0

Almost every night, he and his mother would stand on the balcony together and name the constellations. Nebula often wore gorgeous gowns of midnight blue that sparkled with stars that moved on the silky fabric surface. Stolas learned about the wonders of space from his mother, who provided him with endless books and stories. Some of Stolas’ favorite bedtime stories were those about the bizarre world where mortals resided in.

“They have the same stars as we do, up on Earth,” Nebula said one night. “But of course, there’s no red sky there, it’s always blue. And it’s nowhere near as hot over there as it is here in Hell. Heaven kind of makes its own stars and rainbows and shit. I don’t really know.”

“That’s pretty cool!” said Stolas. “Could we visit there someday?”

“Going there is forbidden, unfortunately,” she explained. “Only mature experienced demons can access the Living World and that’s under certain conditions. We must study their world in secret and not allow any terrified humans to see us.”

“Well, I heard that there’s a new Imp City that was built not too long ago. Perhaps we could go there and explore!”

“We’ll see what your father thinks,” she said. “You know how disdainful he is of the poor.”

“Okay,” Stolas said with a sigh. Then he brightened and held up a brown book with a many-eyed frog and toad on it. “I know the differences between frogs and toads! Wanna hear it?”

“I’ve heard it five times already but okay,” Nebula giggled. She pat her son affectionately on the head and Stolas closed his eyes in happiness.

“Stars, plants, hell’s citizens…you will be a powerful great prince of Hell,” mused Nebula. She conjured glowing images of the constellations and Stolas reached out to touch them in wonder. The images burst into silver sparkles near his face that made Stolas giggle.

Looking back at the sky, Stolas’ eyes widened as he spotted a shooting star near the red and black inverted pentagram moon. “Look, Mother! A shooting star!”

“Go ahead and make a wish,” she said. “But don’t say it out loud or it won’t come true. Just think about it in your head.”

Stolas closed his eyes. “I wish I had a friend to spend time with!” he thought.

“I wish I could always spend time with you, Mother,” said Stolas. “We seem to be so busy a lot.”

“I know. But no matter where life takes us or what happens to me, I’ll never be far away from you, my little Starfire,” said Nebula, kissing her son on the head.

There was something else that Stolas treasured from a young age…his bond with the imps. They helped make the family dinners, clean the chambers, make the beds, and made sure things ran smoothly. His favorite companion was his personal butler imp. Whenever his father was too busy with his own lavish pursuits, the white-mustached imp butler would be there to tend to his every need. In a way, the imp was more of a fatherly figure than his own dad. Aside from helping Stolas get dressed, he often just stood there as Stolas told him all the things he learned about in his books. Although the butler had duties of his own, he was happy to listen to his prince. Stolas and Nebula never treated him cruelly; in fact, for them, the butler was just another member of the family.

For the most part, Stolas’ childhood was magical.

CHAPTER III: SEVERAL DECADES AGO, c. 1995…

Stolas was soon a little eleven-year-old owl child, bursting with curiosity and life. Stolas’ palace stood elegantly as ever in the dawn in the Pride Ring. There was a white telescope off to the left and sparkly magenta pink curtains draped over the thin pillars that lined a marble balcony. Constellations glowed against the walls and King Paimon’s four-looped sigil glowed in the front structure below the balcony. Inside in a bedroom, little Stolas snuggled happily with his stuffed red rabbit toy with sharp teeth (resembling a demonic Max from “Sam and Max”) and four small imp horns sticking from its head. There was a pink unicorn teddy bear with white curly hair off to the side. Smiling plant plushies and stuffed flowers fashioned with buttons also surrounded him. Red curtains surrounded his large bed. Wearing navy blue stripped pajamas, the young Stolas yawned, smacked his lips, and slowly opened his eyes. Then he sat up in excitement, four eyes wide.

“My birthday! My birthday! It’s my birthday!”

Stolas happily jumped out of bed, landing on all fours. He then raced into the adjacent dressing room. “Yay!” he cheered with his small black arms in the air. A butler imp with a white mustache, a bowtie, a dark gray vest, and white hair followed him. His arms were folded behind him, and his pointed tail was spiked.

The dressing room was dim, dark, and draped in various shades of purple curtains. The large vanity mirror was bordered by eighteen purple flower lights on a golden vine and up at the top was a structure with five slanted shapes like eyes for decoration. The purple dresser was decorated with small blue ringed planets on the drawers. The mirror reflected a white bathtub with white candles and glowing teal constellations hovering in the air.

“Yaaay! Birthday, birthday! Woohoo!” Stolas cheered as he pushed a red stool in place and stood on top. “Birthday tiiiime!” In front of Stolas was a small gold crown on a red crown cushion.

“Calm yourself, young prince,” the butler reminded him as he applied hair gel to the top and sides of Stolas’ feathery hair and face. “You know excitement is unbecoming of a Goetia.” The butler walked off.

Stolas chuckled apologetically. “Oh! Right.” He took a deep breath and his face lit up again. “But Father told me today is the day I am old enough to know my purpose and responsibility!”

Stolas’ eyes sparkled as the butler put a red vest on Stolas and buttoned it. He then proceeded to put Stolas’ red cape on him.

“Of course,” said the butler, putting a small gold crown on Stolas’ head. “I’m sure it will be wonderful.”

With the vest, cape, and crown, Stolas looked more like a regal prince. The butler then led the way to the throne room, Stolas following in excitement.

Down the hall were giant royal portraits off to the side. The first one showed the egg Stolas hatched from, the egg sitting on a pink cushion and a crown on top of it. The next one showed Stolas as an ugly baby hatchling bundled up in a crib in a red blanket with a gold pin with the Goetia family insignia on it. His face was orange, his eyes purple and sunken. Stolas’ stuffed red rabbit sat nearby. The next one showed a happy Stolas as a toddler holding his rabbit toy on a red pillow. In the next one, Stolas again, held his toy as a giant Venus Fly Trap plant dripped green slime on his head.

The double doors opened, and a shadowy figure sat on his throne under orange curtains with hanging purple and gold jewels. A long-clawed arm rose from the armrest. In a flash, shadowy monster heads roared then fused together into a fierce shadow hydra with many red eyes. The hydra briefly switched to a tall demon with ram horns, then into a monstrous elephant head, then into a flying bat-winged eye with dog heads below. Finally, the room brightened and there stood the towering owl Paimon in his ordinary form. He wore a starry red and gold cape with a high collar like a vampire. Red swirly designs curved on his white masked portion of his face, his pink eyes glowing with authority. A tall three-pointed gold crown with a red diamond and infinity symbol was perched on his brown feathery head. On either side of his crown, his hair arched upwards, giving the appearance of four brown horns.

The butler took his position beside the king.

“Ahhh!” said Paimon with a smile, arms out. “There is my little, uh…”

Stolas smiled gleefully at his father.

Paimon whispered to his butler. “Which son is this one? There’s so fucking many.”

“Stolas, your highness,” replied the imp.

“Stolas!” exclaimed Paimon. He chuckled. “Yes! Ha! Right, right! That’s the one!” He walked toward Stolas. “The owl boy.”

Paimon leaned down toward his son’s face, Stolas bearing a surprised look. “Well, my little one…”

Paimon stood up and walked in front of him. “It is finally your day of becoming a true part of the Goetia family.”

Paimon briefly looked down at his son and mentioned, “How good for you,” before continuing his regal walk. “Are you ready to know what you’ll be meant to do to serve Hell?”

“Yes father!” Stolas stated confidently.

Paimon opened portal above his head, revealing a starry sky.

“You will be entrusted with the study of the Earth’s skies, the stars, the prophecies they hold, all that stuff.” Stolas looked in awe as a teal green comet and a purple comet flashed across the room.

A bunch of green vines and vivid colored flowers burst from one of Paimon’s clawed hands. A Venus fly trap popped out and snapped its jaws. “You will study the various properties of plants, herbs, poisons from here and Earth, how they can hurt and heal.”

A pink flower flew in the breeze and gently touched Stolas’ cheek. The young owl giggled as he held the flower in his hand.

The plants vanished and in Paimon’s other hand appeared blue and red crystals. “You will also be invested in the study of precious stones, crystals, and gems in both places, how they are used in spell work, healing, prophecies, strength, etc.”

Stolas admired his glowing eyes reflected in the crystal’s surfaces.

The crystals vanished as well.

“Isn’t that fun?” Paimon asked, as a blue grimoire with a gold moon appeared hovering in a magic aura over his hand. On the back of the book was Stolas’ sigil. “You will begin your studies of your grimoire, which will grant you access to the Mortal Realm to study and observe…”

Paimon levitated the book toward Stolas, who eagerly grabbed it.

Paimon continued in a passionate tone. “And you will grow to be a mighty Prince of Hell with your own legions to lead and pass on your knowledge to!”

“I will do my best, Father!” the confident Stolas proclaimed proudly. Stolas couldn’t wait to get started! Everything would be just fine…

“Wonderful!” Paimon exclaimed. Then he spoke faster. “Also, son, you are destined to sire a precautionary addition to the Goetia family, so you are now engaged.”

Stolas paused and raised an eyebrow. “Wait, what? What’s a precautionary…”

Paimon chuckled. “Oh, Stolas, it means that you are engaged to be married to your future wife for the purpose of raising a child who will help continue the family line! Congratulations!”

“M-married? To whom?” Stolas asked.

Paimon held out a picture to Stolas. “Her name is Stella. Isn’t she charming?” he chuckled.

In the picture was a white swan princess that gave off a bratty Azula/Angelica Pickles/Veruca Salt vibe. She wore a feathery dress of dark gray at the bottom and white at the top. Her white feathery hair was in pigtails with two pink bows and two gold crowns on her head. Her parents had given her two black fly-like dogs as a present. A disgusted Stella had stomped on the head of one and angrily choked another in her hands. The creatures cried from their yellow/red eyes as Stella’s pink eyes glowed with menace.

A scared Stolas burst into tears and turned away from the picture in fear.

“Ohh!” Paimon exclaimed. “That’s an ugly noise, son. Here…” he pat Stolas on the head. “How about you cease this bitch crying?”

Stolas cried louder.

“Hm, that usually works,” Paimon said. “Oh, would you like it if I took you to the circus in town? Children enjoy the circus, right?” He pat Stolas on the head again. “Would that distract you enough from your non-negotiable future marriage?”

A tear rolled down Stolas’ cheek as he stood in somber silence.

“Butler!” Paimon called. “Bring my magic gold mirror so I can see what goes on in that dump. And bring along two Doberman dog guards.”

“Guards, sir?” asked the imp.

“Yes, guards! I don’t care much for the boy, but I don’t want him to get hurt from any rowdy commoner imps at the circus. Fetch them!”

“Yes, your highness.”

The imp bowed and wandered off. A tear rolled down Stolas’ cheek and dripped off.

0 0 0

A few hours later, a sad Stolas stood with the imp butler at the top of the stairs, flanked by the bi-pedal guard dogs in black suits. They were under a striped circus tent with hanging lights up above. Circus music played in the background. Imps of various shapes and sizes sat in the rows, their yellow eyes glowing. One fat imp was snoring in his seat while several child imps sat with their parents. Another was eating popcorn. Stolas held his grimoire in his hands. It wasn’t as comforting as his rabbit toy, but it was better than nothing.

In the mirror, Paimon looked around then whispered to the butler. “Is there a spot that’s close to the front, but also far enough that I don’t have to…”

He sniffed and gagged…

“…smell the poor?”

A few minutes later, the butler, the dogs, and Stolas stood in an empty section with a crude brown cloth sign that read “GOETIA” in dripping black paint.

The scene went black as two spotlights showed two imps in green clown suits and white painted faces juggling four balls in their hands. Two imps in purple suits did a series of flips and landed gracefully to the front. A young female imp wearing a yellow and green gymnastics top balanced on one hand atop a black horse with a skull face, plus a mane and tail of neon green flames. The horse had green and yellow feathers atop its head with matching colored saddle and bells. The black heart-shaped symbol seen on the foreheads of the performers was displayed at the top of the stadium inside a red heart bordered by lights. The horse galloped past Stolas and crew, but only Paimon clapped his hands and hooted with delight. “Hohohohoho!” It was a parallel to when an excited Stolas took his bored daughter to the circus in the future.

Stilt-walker imps wearing purple and yellow costumes were juggling balls in the air. Blitzo’s sister Barbie Wire was twirling on a tightrope wearing a purple dress and holding a yellow umbrella in her hand. She had black curled ram-like horns with small white stripes on them. She spun in the air and landed back on the tightrope. She smiled and posed.

“Hohohohohoho!” Paimon clapped again. Stolas half-heartedly flicked a peanut off the top of his grimoire.

Another performer breathed fire as a group of imps dressed in clown suits and bells over their horns balanced on top of each other in an inverted imp pyramid, holding gold rings. Two imps leaped through the hoops. Four imps balanced on a board and a small imp blew fire from a torch on top of the others. The crowd cheered. A knife thrower imp guy with white hair threw a knife near where a smiling black-haired imp woman was bond to a plank of wood with a target painted on it. Stolas bumped his head three times against his book, clearly upset.

Stolas then looked up as the ringmaster imp spoke up. He had long curved horns, a purple top hat, and a stitched up old circus costume of green and dark green vertical stripes. He was Cash Buckzo, Blitzo’s greedy father.

“Nowwww, everyone’s favorite thing about circus shit: the motherfucking clowns!”

The crowd screamed and gasped as ten imps in clown outfits leaped forward.

A small foot stepped onto a board high in the air.

“You ready Blitzo?” asked a young Fizzarolli.

A young Blitzo grinned, tugging the rope. “Born ready, Fizzarolli!” Blitzo didn’t mind the “o” in his name.

At the same time, the two young imps swung off the boards, holding onto ropes. Fizzarolli was a child imp, wearing a teal green suit with red markings and red bells attached to his intact stripped imp horns. He also wore a red clown nose. The young Blitzo’s face was red and scar-free, and he wore purple overalls and a pink shirt underneath.

This happy moment was back when Blitzo’s mother Tilla was still alive, before Barbie Wire went to rehab and before Fizzarolli lost his limbs and horns. It was clear that the two were best friends, who both loved money, Mammon, and the thrill of the show. Blitzo took Fizzarolli’s hand and together they swung around the stadium in a big arc. Both of them laughed together as they swung past Stolas.

Stolas’ eyes suddenly lit up as he caught sight of the happy Blitzo. The imp’s face reminded him of the comfort of his rabbit toy.

“A new friend!” Stolas thought, happily.

After Fizzarolli and Blitzo landed down safely, Blitzo balanced on a red and yellow ball with an eye design on it. He posed with a “Haaa! Ta-da!”

Then he said, “Heya folks! Wanna see me make a horse?”

Blitzo pulled out a green balloon and blew into it. He rapidly wrapped it and it appeared as a bundle of knots before it popped.

“Crap,” Blitzo muttered. He blew another balloon and tried again, but it popped again.

He tried again. And tried again. But the balloons kept popping.

“De-de-de-de-do-do-do-do,” Blitzo hummed nervously as a bored and unimpressed audience stared down at him.

Blitzo chuckled nervously. “Ah, he, he! Horse!” He showed a green balloon horse, except it had no legs. “Well, heh, it was a horse, but then it ate too much sugar and its legs stopped working, so they had to amputate, now it’s a gross worm horse.”

The young Stolas laughed.

Blitzo smiled and pointed at him. “See, he gets it because horses, they make no sense.”

Fizzarolli chuckled and stood beside Blitzo. “Okay, Blitzo, that’s enough ‘horsing’ around!”

In one try, Fizzarolli made a perfect red balloon horse, presenting it to the crowd. “Hey everybody, look at this! It’s Banana Pudding the clown horsey! Neigh!”

The crowd laughed as Blitzo looked down sadly and sighed.

“I liked his broken horse joke, it was funny,” said Stolas. “Their legs do stop working when they eat too much sugar, it’s called Laminitis.” He watched Blitzo balance on the ball with his legless balloon horse in his hand and Fizzarolli performing by his side.

Paimon raised a confused eyebrow at his son, staring at him judgmentally. “Perhaps the crazy owl prince would be easily entertained by that common imp,” thought Paimon. “It’d be nice to get my random son out of my hair so I can focus on more important duties. Like terrorizing desert dwellers on my camel! Or lounging with the ladies in Sloth! Or better yet, be around a dignified mature son who’s more like me.”

Paimon watched the ringmaster imp retreat backstage with a bottle of Greed Mead and had a clever idea.

0 0 0

Backstage inside the Big Top, Cash Buckzo gulped his Greed Mead on an old mattress, wearing patched up gray pants, a worn pink and magenta stripped top, and an old gray patched up top hat. A pair of underwear and an old shirt hung on a clothesline above him. Mirrors, jester caps and props were stored messily in a cabinet and some boxes. A “Fortune Teller” box stood in the background. A rug showed the black heart-like circus family symbol with red and white circus stripes. It symbolized the unity of many imp families living the life of “circus freaks” as other imps called them. It was a way to get by and the bonds were enough.

Cash Buckzo paused in mid-drink as the imp butler and the dogs walked inside.

“What a show,” Paimon remarked from the mirror. “That was real great so…”

He cleared his throat. “That little clown you have. My son really enjoyed that one. I was wondering if I could buy him.” His hands were clenched together in excitement.

Cash Buckzo looked taken aback. “Buy him?”

Paimon put his hands together and his pointer finger moved outward. “Purchase him, yes, accurate.”

Paimon clapped his hands, and the butler pressed a button that made the mirror move right into Cash Buckzo’s face. Sweat dripped down his face as he felt the king lean over him.

“My son doesn’t have any friends you see, and he liked the little clown boy. It’s his birthday, he’s so sad and I don’t want to deal with him. Can I write a check?”

Cash Buckzo began, “Well, Fizzarolli is a big draw. He has a few more shows to be in today, so it would be pretty expensive.” He rubbed his fingers in a “give me money” gesture and smirked.

Paimon chucked. “No, no, the other one.”

“Blitzo?!” Cash Buckzo looked shocked.

“Correct. How much?”

Cash Buckzo stroked his small white goatee. “Wha-Well he’s my son so ah, hm, ah, how much ya got in your pocket?”

The butler pulled out a waded $5 bill and a pink wrapped “cumdom.” “A wadded up five and a slim-fit condom,” said Paimon.

An annoyed Cash Buckzo was about to demand more but saw Blitzo swipe a small horse toy from a shelf in the background…and got an idea.

“Ah, that’s plenty, done,” Cash Buckzo scoffed.

“Splendid,” said Paimon. “Fetch him for me and we will be on our way.”

Paimon clapped his hands and he and the butler vanished up through a red portal. The explosion caused half of the tent and a pole to collapse into debris and dust.

Cash Buckzo shrugged. He remembered when he first got attracted to Tilla way back when. He remembered how she always wanted to help those in need, so it wasn’t hard to pull off the “homeless victim” look. Tilla was an exceptionally good animal tamer and before long, they both became part of the circus. They had some drinks, fucked, and out came the twins. He worked his way up to ringmaster, always searching for that pretty penny. He often got frustrated whenever his family didn’t perform hard enough…especially his son.

“If we want to be in good standing for Lord Mammon,” Cash Buckzo would say, “We gotta look the part! Act the part! Be the part! Perform like you’ll win a million souls, or you’d alternatively face double death otherwise.” He’d also add in lines such as “Mammon sees the wealth of potential in you! Don’t you kids wanna be his stars?!”

“Yes Papa!” Barbie Wire and Blitzo would chime in, along with Fizzarolli.

Cash Buckzo wasn’t sure what to make of this unexpected situation.

But then again, he could always suggest to his children to do things in his favor.

“This’ll be a piece of hell-cake,” he thought, eyeing a bottle of Greed Mead nearby.

0 0 0

Meanwhile, Blitzo and Fizzarolli played with their balloon horses together on a purple rug with a teal spiral decoration.

Fizzarolli moved his red balloon horse. “I’m Banana Pudding, and I like to dance!”

“I am Worm Horse!” said Blitzo, holding his legless green balloon horse. “And I… I am sad!”

“Why are you sad, Worm Horse?”

“Because, I have no legs!”

“Oh, well that’s okay.”

“I lost all my legs in…The War,” Blitzo dramatized.

Fizzarolli gasped. “The War?!”

“Yes!” said Blitzo. “The Great Pirate War!”

Fizzarolli giggled. “No, no pirates.”

“It’s a great pirate warrrr!” Blitzo teased.

Fizzarolli exasperated, “If you keep talking about pirates, I will punch you.”

Blitzo dramatized as he played, “I fought bravely but I could not run fast enough. They took my legs, there was blood everywhere!”

Fizzarolli laughed at Blitzo. “Oh no, eww! No blood. Blood is disgusting!”

Blitzo stood up with a grin. “No, blood is cool!” He laughed.

Fizzarolli moved his horse in a dance and giggled. “Well, Banana Pudding is here to save the day with his magical feet he dances around with. He will dance all over Worm Horse and make him feel better!”

“And then…” Blitzo paused dramatically. “There will be more blood!” He did a fake evil laugh as he squirted ketchup all over his green horse.

“Blitzo!” Fizzarolli laughed. “That’s so gross! Stop!”

Blitzo held up his ketchup bottle, arms in the air. “Never!”

(The balloon toys were a foreshadowing of Fizzarolli, the green horse, losing his legs in the distant future…)

Just then, Cash Buckzo grabbed Blitzo and pulled him up.

“Boy, I’ve got a job for you.”

They walked off to the side, his father holding Blitzo’s wrist tightly. “You are gonna spend the day with one of the Goetia princes.”

Blitzo made a face. “Eww. Why?”

“Because money!” exclaimed his father, turning around. “Now listen carefully, you are being bought out to be his playmate, but I want you to steal as much from those rich fuckers as you possibly can.”

“Steal?” Blitzo asked, yanking his arm away from his father’s tight grip. He flinched. “But what if I get caught?”

Cash Buckzo went into manipulation mode. “Oh Blitzo. Don’t you want your family to be able to buy a bigger tent? Better food? Don’t you want to be able to help me and your mama out?” His lip trembled.

“Of course I wanna help Mama!” Blitzo declared. Tilla was very sick, and the imp siblings grew more worried each day. “I’d do anything!”

“Then you gotta do this, everything those rich fucks have will be worth a fortune!” His claws curled upwards; his eyes full of greed.

The young Blitzo still looked unsure. “But if I’m caught…I’m scared dad.”

Cash Buckzo put a hard hand on his son’s shoulder. “There are scarier things, aren’t there, son?”

Exorcists. Monsters. His father on a bad day.

“But…” Blitzo began but his father widened his yellow and black eyes into tearful puppy-dog eyes, with a trembling lip.

“Yes, Papa,” Blitzo responded dejectedly.

0 0 0

Later that night, Blitzo and his father traveled from their Greed Ring homeland through a portal to the Pride Ring, where Stolas and his father stood waiting. They met by the elegant trickling water fountain outside the palace. Blitzo yanked his arm free from his father’s grip and stepped forward. Both boys looked nervous.

“Here is your new friend, my son. Happy birthday,” Paimon shrugged.

Stolas’ face lit up. “A friend?”

Blitzo rubbed his neck in worry. “I guess. Hi, uh, I’m Blitzo.”

Stolas bowed politely. “I’m Stolas. It’s nice to…”

Paimon smacked his son on the head. “Don’t bow to that one! He bows to us! Idiot.”

“Oh, right. Sorry Father.” Stolas rubbed his arm.

“I’m so good at daddying!” Paimon bragged as the boys ran inside the palace together.

“As am I,” Cash Buckzo sneered as he snuck off toward the bushes in the shadows.

0 0 0

Blitzo and Stolas sat together in one of the libraries inside the palace. Stolas had showed Blitzo piles of books on the floor, at least twenty. The hours dragged by, leaving Blitzo in sheer absolute boredom.

“This is my book on the difference between frogs and toads,” lectured Stolas. He held up a brown book with a frog on it, eggs and “Frogs and Toads” on it, reminiscent of “Frog and Toad are Friends” books. “There’s a lot of differences.”

He held up another book with white flowers on it in a pentagon-shaped glass dome with “Botany” as the title. “And this is my book on plants and herbs. Did you know that plants can hear you?”

“Plants are boring!” Blitzo spat, standing up. “This is all boring stuff!”

“Oh,” said Stolas in surprise, briefly looking away. “I’m sorry. I never had a friend to share my books with.”

Blitzo slumped and looked around at all the treasures in the palace.

All the treasures…just waiting to be hunted for…

Blitzo grinned and stepped closer to Stolas. He had a sudden idea.

“You know what would be fun? A game!” He lowered Stolas’ book. “Let’s play treasure hunt!”

“What’s that?” asked Stolas.

“It’s where we pretend we are pirates,” said Blitzo, picking up a tan feather and wielding it like a sword. “…and we go around the house collecting all the nicest things…”

He picked up a book and then stepped onto two larger piles of books like stairs.

“…and then, we throw them out the window!” He threw the book off in the distance.

“We…throw them out the window?” Stolas asked in confusion.

“Yes!”

“Since when did pirates throw things out windows?”

Blitzo spread his arms out. “Since like the dawn of time!” He stepped down from the book piles. “Come on! Pirates are always throwing stuff out windows!”

“I don’t think they had windows,” mentioned Stolas.

“What? Did a book say that?” Blitzo asked.

“Yes, actually. Several,” Stolas replied, pulling out two pirate books, an orange one labeled “Pirates,” and the other blue one which was labeled “The Porthole Myth.”

Blitzo grabbed the books from Stolas and tossed them to the side. “Well in this game, we are throwing them out the window because it’s fun!” He spread out his arms.

“Well,” began Stolas, “That’s an odd game.” Then he gasped. “Is this an imp game?” He tilted his head in curiosity.

“Sure,” Blitzo shrugged. “Why not?”

“Well, if it’s what you want to play…”

“Let’s do it!” Blitzo cried, putting his arm around Stolas.

An ornate crystal chandelier hung above a resplendent hallway. Blitzo laughed as he swiped ornate vases off stands and tossed them into a brown sack in his other hand. Stolas panted as he tried to keep up.

“Come on, come on, come on!” Blitzo called.

Blitzo grabbed a gold vase with red gems, a small mirror, a thin purple vase, a thick green and yellow vase, a crystal ball, and purple crystals. He grabbed more vases from a shelf and tossed them to Stolas who put them in the sack. Stolas moved around to catch the falling objects. Blitzo climbed a shelf and gave Stolas a thumbs up. An unsure Stolas gave a thumbs up back.

Blitzo opened a treasure chest full of gold coins, crystals, pearl necklaces, a necklace with an eye in a red gem, goblets, and a moon watch. Both boys laughed as they grabbed handfuls of treasure and stuffed them into the sack.

Stolas handed Blitzo a green bottle which he had struggled to reach and smiled. Blitzo shoved a barrel off a shelf, and it rolled on the floor. Before long, they had cleared the room of crystals, skulls, books, potions, and barrels, all somehow managing to stuff everything inside the sack. After jumping on the sack in excitement, they slid other crystals and valuables from shelves into the sack as they rode on a moving ladder. They raced down vast hallways until coming up to an ornate spiral crystal chandelier just above their heads.

“Wow!” They breathed as they stared at the chandelier in wonder. Blitzo proceeded to snatch a string of crystals from the chandelier as they both stood in the center. “Yay!” they cheered. The sparkling magical world spun round them, their heads in a spin. They lay on their backs on the marble floor, laughing with no care in the world. Constellations dotted the ceiling as they reached a balcony, the sky crimson red in the twilight.

Stolas and Blitzo danced along until a whistle from outside made Blitzo pause.

Blitzo walked onto the balcony and lifting himself on the railing. A rustle in the bushes sounded below and there was his father. With a grin, he mentioned for his son to toss down the sack. Blitzo glanced at the oblivious Stolas, who was trying to reach a book. With some effort, Blitzo tossed it down into his father’s arms. His father grinned sinisterly and disappeared back under the bushes with the sack.

“Blitzo! Over here!” called Stolas. Blitzo raced to meet his friend. The sky filled with stars and the red clouds parted to paint a calmer magenta shade. A crescent moon was at the top of a large tree.

Blitzo climbed the tree while Stolas read his book.

Blitzo looked at Stolas after falling upside down, hanging by his tail. “So, what is that? Your diary?”

“No. This is my new grimoire,” said Stolas. “It’s a spell book. I have to learn it so that I can access the Living World.”

“The Living World?” Blitzo asked, swinging. “Like the world with humans and stuff? Where the sinners come from?”

“Mmmhmm,” Stolas nodded.

“That’s cool!” Blitzo exclaimed, flipping and landing down onto a root.

“Yes! I’m supposed to learn to use it to study the sky!” said Stolas.

“Why?”

“My dad said I can find prophecies, but I don’t really know. But I’m supposed to, that’s what my job will be when I grow up. To join the rest of the Goetia family.”

Blitzo stood up confidently with his hands on his hips. He put one hand to his heart. “Well, you know what I’m gonna do when I grow up?” He climbed the black and red tree trunk and hoisted himself onto a branch. “I’m gonna run my own circus and I’m gonna be the most famous imp ever and I’ll be able to do what I want to do all day! I’m gonna make so much money and buy myself a big building with a big office!” He stood up in excitement.

“A big office? For a circus?”

“Yeah! A big office! Circus business with clowns and horses!” He cupped his cheeks and his eyes shone with giddiness. “And the horses will all have good names like Stapler and Biscuit Queen!” His eyes shone again.

Stolas giggled. “I’m sure you will. That sounds like a good business.”

“Yeah! And if you apply, I’ll hire you. Maybe.”

Stolas laughed. “You’ll hire me?”

“Yeah, if I feel like it.” Blitzo shrugged and jumped back down.

“Well, I hope I qualify,” Stolas replied with a giggle. “You’d be a good boss. One helluva boss!”

“You say that with sarcasm but I totes would!” Blitzo replied with a confident pose.

Both boys laughed together underneath the tree, savoring the wonderful moment.

CHAPTER IV: STOLAS’ TEEN YEARS c. 2003

Ever since Stella came into Stolas’ life, it was nothing short of torture. It was literally hell in Hell. Back when Stolas had still been a child, his father had nudged him forward to meet Stella face to face out by the fountain. There she was in her frilly feathery pink and black dress, pink bowties in her hair and two crowns on her head. She stood with her ice peacock brother Andrealphus and her two cold-hearted parents, Queen Eis and King Boreas. Eis was a tall swan who had ice powers like Andrealphus. Boreas was a vain peacock who was closely connected with Malphas.

The young Stella and Andrealphus elbowed each other until a firm glare from their mother made them stop.

“Your majesties, I present to you, one of my many sons, Stolas,” said Paimon.

“Here is my daughter Stella and this is my son Andrealphus,” replied Eis. “Stella is quite picky about food. She’ll only eat the finest raw rodents, fried eggs of dragons and the occasional mortal intestine.”

A black fly dog raced over and growled at Stella. Immediately, the girl screamed in anger, grabbed the creature by the neck and smashed its head several times against the cobblestone. Stolas watched in horror as the fly-puppy whined and buzzed, tears spilling from it’s yellow-sclera and red pupil eyes. After stomping on its head, the creature lay unmoving among blood splatters.

Stolas whimpered.

“Mother!” barked Stella. “I asked for two hell-ponies, not those disgusting vermin!”

“But you swore that you’d freeze all of Hell if I didn’t get you pets,” Eis reminded her. “The fly-dogs were the only creatures they had at the store.”

“Do better! I’ve already had to exterminate three!”

Then Stella glared at the flinching Stolas. “Ew. Who’s the pathetic little bitch?”

“Your future husband,” said Boreas. “Go along and play, now.”

“Right this way,” said Paimon to Stella’s family. “My imps prepared your dinner just as you like it, raw and cold!”

Stella smirked evilly at Stolas, who gulped. She stared at Stolas like a bully who spotted a kid with a target on their back.

Paimon clapped his hands in delight. “Oh Stolas, what a sweet charming little girl! You two will be perfect together!”

A few moments later in a hallway, Stolas was sobbing loudly after Stella dangled his red rabbit toy in the air. She used her other hand to push Stolas back.

“Give it back!” he cried. “That’s my special bunny!”

“What are you gonna do about it?” Stella mocked as she strut toward a balcony. “I always get what I want, and I want what you want the most!”

“I don’t want that!” Stolas pouted.

“You don’t want this? Good!” She cackled and tossed the toy out the window where it landed in mud. “No!” he cried.

Stella shouted “Freak!” from behind Stolas and pinched him on the arm.

“Leave me alone!” he cawed.

In anger, Stolas swiped at her dress and feathers flew everywhere.

“That was hand-made by my imp servants!” she spat. She gripped Stolas hard by the neck as he cried out for help. Just as Stella was about to hit Stolas in the face, they heard footsteps. Stella let go of his neck, Stolas wheezing in response. Stella did an innocent curtsey and smile as the parents approached.

“Aww,” smiled Eis. “Look at those two happily playing together.”

“I knew they were a match made in Hell,” Boreas smiled.

Eis gave Stella some candy and a new necklace for her “good behavior.” But unfortunately for Stolas, all he got was a forced family picture with Stella and her family later that night. (Stolas had to hold the golden mirror that showed Paimon’s face for the portrait.) The parents posed elegantly; Stella glared at the camera while Stolas looked off sadly. Stella blew raspberries at Stolas behind her parent’s backs as they left. Andrealphus gave Stolas a look of superiority and didn’t hesitate to bump into him on the way out.

“See you next time!” Paimon smiled from within the gold mirror.

Stolas later curled up in a ball and cried in his dark room, a picture of Nebula next to him and his dirty tattered bunny toy.

0 0 0

Stolas and Stella got married when Stolas was only eighteen. Stella walked down the aisle wearing a white feathery dress and veil. Stolas wore a dark black suit and red bowtie with the Goetia family sigil pin on the top. Both of them wore their gold crowns…and dull expressions on their faces. They stood together holding hands from inside a Satanic church. Red and black roses decorated the aisles and black marble pillars. Stained glass windows depicted hunched over demons building Pandemonium, the capital palace building in Hell. Others showed Lucifer and Satan seated on thrones flanked by upside down red crosses. Candles glowed blue and black all around the vast chamber.

“We are gathered here today,” said a red bull demon with a flaming bull skull for a head, “to celebrate the wedding of his majesty Prince Stolas and her majesty Princess Stella. If you have any objections to this bond, please say them out loud and we’ll throw you into a lake of fire.”

Brimming in both Stolas and Stella’s eyes was a sense of non-negotiable commitment, a loss of their teenage freedom. There was a heavy sense of awkwardness and in Stolas’ case, dread. If they stared into each other’s eyes for too long, Stella’s pink eyes glowed with fire while Stolas’ red eyes shrank back toward darkness.

“Do you, Stolas Goetia, son of King Paimon, take Stella to be your wedded wife?” asked the demon.

“I do,” said Stolas with no emotion.

“And do you, Stella Goetia, sister of Marquis Andrealphus, take Prince Stolas to be your wedded husband?”

“I do,” she glared.

They exchanged rings as Andrealphus looked smug in a fancy white suit made of peacock feathers in the front row.

The demon officiant cleared his throat. “By the power vested in me by Lord Lucifer, I know pronounce you husband and wife. You may now fuck and shit.”

Stolas and Stella tentatively kissed as the two royal families clapped politely in their seats. Banners read in gold, “Congratulations Married Couple! May You Never Divorce!” More pictures were taken and Paimon made an appearance as well…from within his mirror of course.

“How mad would Father be if I ‘accidentally’ broke it?” Stolas thought.

Stella, of course, enjoyed the large fancy party, the drinks, and the dirty dancing. She basked in the attention and gossiped with her two white bird elite demons. Stolas, meanwhile, paid close attention to how Leviathan’s Sin Gin tasted, and was anxious to head back to the palace. Demon musicians played orchestral instruments and violins as Stolas and Stella danced. Both of them were buzzed from drinking and it was only because of the alcohol that the two did have some fun together later on. It was a blurry drunken honeymoon.

The days, weeks, after the wedding were one of the worst times of Stolas’ life. Stella, obsessed with parties, status, and dominance, didn’t hesitate to take advantage of her puny husband. When she got especially angry, Stolas would have to duck to avoid his potted plants crashing into his face.

Stolas endured slap after slap from Stella. She seemed to take pride in tormenting him.

“This is all your fault!” she barked, slapping him in the face again. Stolas would flinch every time. “You and your father made me marry you and now I’m stuck here as a housewife.”

Although they had enjoyable sex a few times, Stolas soon grew bored. One night in August 2003, Stella forcefully kissed him and shoved his dick into her hole. After some brief straining, a white egg fell out of her.

Stella sighed in relief, “Finally. Now people won’t pester us about whether or not we have any kids.”

Stolas’ eyes lit up in the dark. The egg rolled toward the edge of their master bed and Stella didn’t notice. With a soft gasp, Stolas managed to catch it in one swoop. The egg felt warm and damp in his hands.

“I can’t believe it,” he said quietly. “I’m a father at nineteen.”

“Good for you,” she scoffed. “I’m heading off to the 3AM soiree for drinks.”

“Stella,” Stolas breathed as his wife headed toward the shower to clean herself up. “Our first child is in this egg.”

“Not my problem.”

“You need to take care of it too,” said Stolas.

“Shut up and suck it! You don’t tell me what to do! Now if you’ll excuse me…”

She stomped off.

Stolas carried the egg toward the window and stood on the balcony. As the egg wobbled and cracked in his hands, he looked up at the sky.

A solar eclipse had covered the red hell sun and red streaks of lightning lit up the sky. Darkness permeated all of Hell, so much that Stolas had to squint slightly to see in the dark. Stolas flipped through the hovering grimoire with his other hand and found a page. He gasped.

“The prophecy is true. A powerful princess will be born under an eclipse and bear witness to Hell’s destruction…and help save so many…”

The egg burst open a few minutes later and there lay an ugly hatching, eyes half-closed. Only the light around the grimoire made things visible in front of Stolas.

“All my stories have been told,” Stolas breathed, sweat coating his face. “I’ve studied the stars and plants. I’ve gone to Goetia meetings and ruled over legions of demons. All my stories…except for this one.” The hatching stared at Stolas as the red light of the sun slowly reappeared, reflected in its newborn eyes.

“You will be okay,” Stolas said to the hatchling.

“Octavia,” Stolas breathed, coming up with her name on the spot, “I have a new purpose in life now…”

0 0 0

The years passed on and on. Day after day, Stolas sang lullabies to his baby owlet as Stella reluctantly played with Octavia and made her food. Stolas would sob to himself every week, enduring Stella’s abuse, and menacing taunts.

“I have to get through this,” he thought. “For Via. Until she can take care of herself.”

Stolas remembered one night vividly.

“Mommy! Daddy!”

Octavia’s cry roused the owl prince from his slumber.

“Via’s calling us, Stella,” Stolas groaned sleepily.

Stella let out a sigh. “You get up,” she replied tiredly.

Stolas sighed and rose out of bed, briefly putting his fingers to his head. He opened the door to Octavia’s bedroom. The wallpaper consisted of several columns of moons and stars. Astronomy books lined a shelf while taped drawings on the wall showed stick figures of Stolas and Octavia, labeled “Daddy,” and “Me.” A nearby portrait showed a smiling Stolas giving an overjoyed Octavia a piggyback ride against a blue background.

Stolas opened the white door, wearing his red housecoat and a pair of demon face slippers.

“Via? What troubles you, my owlet?”

A small, frightened face popped out from under the covers: little Octavia. She wore pink jammies with white stars on them. Her face was white, and her eyes were large and pink with white pupils. Three gray feathers stuck out from her feathery head, and she also had a little tail.

“Daddy! Daddy!”

She ran into her father’s arms.

“I had a dream! A really bad dream!” Her mouth quivered in a whimper.

Stolas scooped her up into his arms and yawned.

“A nightmare.”

He wiped a tear away from her face.

Octavia spread out her arms. “I was looking all over the palace and…I couldn’t find you anywhere! You weren’t there!”

Tears appeared from her eyes, and she hugged her father around the neck.

“There, there, Via. It’s okay. You’re okay.”

He pat her several times on the back and carried her into the room. A blue grimoire with a golden crescent moon on the cover floated into the room in a purple cloud of magic.

Stolas sat down on the bed, Octavia in his lap. The book hovered next to him, and he waved his hand to turn the pages. Stolas looked at Octavia.

“When you’re sacred and you don’t know where I am, you must remember…no matter what happens to me, I will never be far away from my special little Starfire.”

He playfully poked her on the nose, and she giggled.

Stolas waved his hand and magic surrounded it. He moved his hand to the ceiling and created a starry portal above their heads. Octavia looked up with wonder in her eyes. It was then that Stolas started singing his lullaby to her: “You Will Be Okay.”

“It always seems more quiet in the dark”

“It always feels so stark”

Both of them floated upward through the hole. A brilliant indigo night sky filled with stars was revealed. A small bright sun and a distant ringed planet hovered in the distance. Stolas stood on the surface of a large white moon dotted with craters of various sizes.

“How silence grows under the moon

Constellations gone so soon”

Stolas’ feet made talon bird tracks on the surface as he carried his daughter.

“I used to think that I was bold

I used to think love would be fun

Now all my stories have been told

Except for one”

Stolas looked down at Octavia’s innocent eyes as their faces shone from the pinkish light of the nearby star.

The ringed planet hovered beside another planet bathed in purple-pink light. A rocky meteor caught on fire and soared toward a molten planet.

“As the stars start to align

I hope you take it as a sign

That you’ll be okay”

Stolas sat down on a small rock and held his daughter close.

“Everything will be okay.”

The meteor slowly dipped into the molten planet, turning a fiery orange. The meteor broke through the planet, causing it to break into rocky pieces. Stolas and Octavia sat on a floating chunk of rock as light burst upward from between the gaps of the planet debris.

“And if the Seven Rings collapse

Although the day could be my last

You will be okay. When I’m gone you’ll be okay…”

Octavia yawned and nestled into her father’s feathery chest with a small smile on her sleepy face.

Like any good parent, Stolas wanted what was best for his child; to pass down existential knowledge for her to remember.

“And when creation goes to die

You can find me in the sky”

Seven planets and the moon they were on were pulled toward the pink sun, creating powerful impacts. The planets turned ashen black before everything burst into an explosion of light. Stolas’ vocalizing face was illuminated by the large pink smoke from the galactic explosion.

Tears pooled in Stolas’ eyes as the portal closed behind him, now back in the bedroom. A red and gold metallic model of a solar system hung from the back wall. Stolas lifted the starry blanket and draped it over a sleeping Octavia.

“Upon the last day

And you will be okay…”

Having finished the lullaby, Stolas walked toward the door, looking at his daughter lovingly again before closing it. Octavia slept peacefully in her bed like a happy chick in a nest.

Stolas spotted a shooting star in the night sky. He remembered to make a wish.

“Mother, please let my daughter be okay.”

CHAPTER V: AROUND THE TIME OF THE 2019/2020 PIOLIT…

Stolas’ only solace besides Octavia in his adulthood were the times where he could talk to and see his best friend…his best friend turned lover, Blitzo.

Stolas slowly opened his eyes as he lay on his bed. He sat up and groaned loudly with his head in his hands. He pulled at his baggy eyes and pushed aside the sheets. With a tired expression, he slipped on his red robe and red slippers…and stared at himself in the mirror.

Broken. Blank. Barely alive.

He brushed his feathery head with a hand and took out a pink bottle. It was a pill bottle labeled “Belphegor’s Hard Candy Happy Pills,” Hell’s version of antidepressants. He popped a couple into his mouth and slouched on.

He wandered over to his bookshelf and grabbed the grimoire from the top shelf. He opened it and the glowing constellations appeared from the book in front of him.

Stolas didn’t notice Blitzo just outside a pink glass window. His eyes darted around until they widened at the sight of Stolas and the grimoire. Stolas snapped the book shut and continued on his way.

Blitzo frantically tried to pull open the window. When Stolas yawned and walked away, Blitzo gave him an angry look, hands against the pane.

For the sake of his business and his survival…and for the chance to finally see horses…he had to get that grimoire!

Stolas walked toward a door with three white stars on it. He slowly opened it and smiled at the sight of a sleeping teen Octavia. She lay peacefully with her eyes closed, just like she did as a young girl. Her rug was dotted with constellations, her purple sheets had crescent moons and stars on them, and a hanging planet mobile hung from the ceiling. White unlit candles were attached to the walls. Stolas smiled and gently closed the door. He walked into the kitchen and picked up a copper pot to make coffee in. Stella was talking on her feathery pink rotary phone. An imp held the phone stand.

“I know we’re together, but it seems like I’m married to a fucking board. Stolas just lazes around and pouts. Everyone else gets better-mannered spouses. I know still being married isn’t a big enough occasion, but to be fair, it’s no picnic being married to a boring stiff like Stolas.” She glared at him before turning back. Stolas opened his mouth to speak, but she held up a finger and turned away.

Stolas poured his coffee into a blue mug with yellow stars on it. He sat at a table and took a sip of his coffee, using his magic to flip open a newspaper. A headline read “NOT DIVORCED ANNIVERSARY PARTY! Couples Only.”

“Stella, what in hell is this?” Stolas asked in disgust.

“Urgh Stolas, you know I like throwing parties. Plus, it’s true so, you can come if you want.” She flipped back her long white feathery hair and walked away, beak-nose in the air.

Stolas dropped his newspaper and groaned in disgust. He figured he’d get it over with. He sipped his coffee…

…and several hours later, he sipped wine from a glass at the party. Verosika’s sultry music theme from Spring Broken played in the background. Bird-like demons wearing royal garb chatted together in groups around the chamber-like room. A gray quail and a smaller blue parrot-like being danced together, both wearing fancy suits with long trims at the ends. The parrot held his partner under him in a dance. There were silver curtains hanging by the glass windows and spiral silver plants were displayed in pots. A female imp was serving a drink to a lady wearing a yellow dress, while another imp held two wine glasses on a platter. Another lady wore a magenta dress, fancy golden gloves and pink tips in her white feathery hair. She was with a gentleman bird who wore a matching magenta coat.

Near the crystal spiral chandelier, Stella and two white birds dressed in formal attire were laughing and holding wine glasses in their hands. They loved gossiping and dressing up. Stella wore her usual white dress with a pink top and her gold crown on her head. The yellow-eyed woman owl wore a pink dress and a pearl necklace, while the male white bird wore a tuxedo and had yellow eyes.

Stella laughed loudly as she gossiped. “No! Stolas is terrible in bed! I swear to fuck he just lays there staring at the wall, and I have to do everything! It’s embarrassing!” She sighed. “I’m glad one egg fell out of me so I could stop pretending to want to fuck his scrawny twig ass.”

Stella gulped down her drink and tossed her wine glass at the window, causing it to shatter. All three royals laughed loudly, while a grumpy Stolas stood stiffly under a blue banner reading “Not Divorced!”

The three white birds walked off, Stella in the middle. Stella turned back and sneered at Stolas. “What a pathetic fucking man! Ha!”

Stolas seethed and made hawk-like bird noises.

Stella talked with her friends some more. “Poor people! Ugh! I’m so glad they’re not allowed in this thing! I don’t want them anywhere near me. Can you imagine if you didn’t have money?” She laughed derogatively.

An imp waitress with black hair in a long ponytail, a white shirt and a black bowtie walked over. Stolas held up a finger.

“Do you have anything stronger than this?”

“We have absinthe, your highness,” she said nervously. She held out a plate bordered by a design of moons and constellations. Three gray dead mice on skewers lay on the plate.

Stolas placed his empty glass on the plate.

“Bring me all of it.”

Stolas grabbed all three mice kababs and stuffed them into his mouth in one bite.

The imp hurried off as Stolas chewed.

The female imp shoved a male imp waiter forward toward Stolas. He caught a flying cup on the platter. Nervously, the imp poured a green alcoholic beverage into a small cup from a green heart-shaped flask on a platter. Stolas instead grabbed the flask and proceeded to gulp down as much absinthe as he could.

“Stolas, sir?” asked a male voice.

Stolas spat out the drink and coughed.

“I’m fine!” the waiter called.

Stolas saw two bi-pedal guards, one with a doberman head and a collar around his neck, the other gray and wolf-like. Both wore dark suits with neckties and dark sunglasses. In-between the guards, horns coated with mud and a yellow flower was none other than…

Blitzo!

“We got this nasty imp trying to sneak into your chambers,” said the wolf. “What should we do with him?”

Blitzo smiled nervously at Stolas.

Stolas’ face turned pink. His heart fluttered.

“Into my chambers? Really? Oh well that is concerning,” Stolas pondered then cleared his throat. “Leave him to me.” His face turned pinker as he smirked. “I’ll deal with him accordingly.”

The guards dropped Blitzo and the doberman lowered his head in disappointment.

Blitzo stared up at Stolas on the floor as Stolas’ silhouette came over him.

“Follow me, imp,” Stolas deadpanned. Blitzo did so, looking very out of place at the fancy soiree. He folded his arms around himself.

Blitzo glanced at the portraits that lined the hall.

Stolas appeared in a gloomy father-son portrait, wearing a suit and a serious expression. His father Paimon appeared in red in the golden mirror in Stolas’ hands. In another portrait, Stolas wore his red royal cape and vest and his crown with a black top hat. Stella wore an elegant white dress, a red necklace and earrings, and a gold crown with a purple gem on her head topped with black feathers. Her thick eyelashes extended past her face. Stolas held the grimoire in his hands, and both wore annoyed scowls. In sharp contrast, Stolas and a young Octavia were smiling in the cosmos by a ringed planet in another portrait. Pink magic light zipped around them.

Blitzo held up his hands. “Look I-I didn’t mean to interrupt your whatever party, I was just trying to…”

“Don’t bother with excuses. I know why you were here,” Stolas replied.

Blitzo’s face froze with fear. “You do?”

This was it. He was going to get ratted out for breaking in and trying to steal the book.

Stolas opened the door to his bedroom, holding it open for Blitzo. Blitzo wandered inside and Stolas shut the door behind him.

“Yes,” Stolas smirked with a crooning pose, arm to his head. “You were here to ravish me, weren’t you?”

Blitzo stared in disbelief. “Uhhhh…you?”

Stolas looked at Blitzo with curiosity. “Why else would you be breaking into my room? You could’ve asked to visit, you know. It’s been a long time, but I have a very good memory.” He clapped his hands and a candelabra lit up.

Blitzo then noticed the grimoire with the fancy blue and gold spine with a red gem in the center. It was on the highest shelf. His eyes widened.

Blitzo grinned and decided to play along. “Oh yeah…yeah, well, uh you know, I figured, you know since you’re a prince and all, it might just be easier to scale the walls and slip on in.” He crouched closer and posed with his hand behind his head. His eyebrows bounced. “It certainly is easier than going through your fucking staff.” He briefly winced in pain.

“One would think you might be here for nefarious reasons,” Stolas smirked, wiggling his fingers. He lowered his voice in a seductive tone, “...if you are sneaking in during the cover of night.”

Blitzo grinned. “Oh, I wanted to crash the party and it’s always more fun, you know, to make an entrance.”

Stolas glided over to a heart-shaped couch and Blitzo rushed over to sit by him. “I recall how you enjoy making an entrance.” Blitzo brushed off dirt on his shoulder.

“I know we may have hung out in our teen years a bit and started to fall in love…well at least I did for sure since it’s not easy being alone,” Stolas mused. “But still, it’s been so long since I’ve last seen my favorite entertainer.” Stolas tilted his head. “Last time I remember seeing you, you were with teen Fizzarolli at the circus. Are you still a circus clown?”

Blitzo scoffed. “Oh no, not anymore. No.” He grinned. “I kill people now.”

Stolas chuckled nervously and pulled away slightly. “Oh, how afraid should I be?”

Blitzo spotted the book again.

“Well, I mean…” he then spoke in a seductive tone. “How afraid do you want to be?” He touched Stolas’ fingers with his own, leaning in closer with a sharp-toothed sexy grin.

“Oh well, um well I uh,” Stolas stuttered as Blitzo crawled forward, backing him into a corner on the couch. “I was teasing. I don’t really…”

“You seem pretty tense,” Blitzo mused. He gently pushed apart Stolas’ long legs. “How about I help you out there?”

Blitzo placed his hands on Stolas’ knees.

Stolas flushed and left the couch. Blitzo fell to the floor. “Um you get, you know this is, um, getting a wee bit, is it hot?” He used his finger to pull on his furry spotted part at the top of his robe. Blitzo inched closer and closer. “I’m starting to feel it getting very hot.”

Blitzo slammed him against the bookshelf, pinning him.

“Oh! What are you doing?”

Blitzo watched as the grimoire wobbled on the shelf before it fell and bounced off to the side.

“I barely remember you name,” said Stolas. Blitzo glanced at the book off to the side.

Blitzo grinned…he had an idea.

He used the ladder to zoom to the side, lowering Stolas in a ballroom dance dip.

“It’s Blitz.”

Blitzo used his pointed tail to grab hold of the book.

Stolas began, “Didn’t it have an ‘o’ at the end like a clown name? I remember…oh!”

Blitzo and Stolas tripped and fell off the ladder. Blitzo hit the floor and the book bounced off. Stolas hit the side of his bed with his back as he stumbled backwards. The book slid to a stop on the pinkish purple starry floor. Stolas lifted up his head and Blitzo pinned him onto the bed.

“Yeah well it’s silent now, okay?” Blitzo stated, his long snake-like tongue sticking out. So call me…Blitz.”

Stolas stuttered and chuckled nervously as Blitzo pursued him further down the bed. The red sheets bore the Goetia family sigil.

“Okay, Blitz, what are you doing to me?” Stolas asked as Blitzo crawled toward him. Blitzo spotted the book off to the side.

“What do you want me to do to you?”

“I, uh well,” Stolas stuttered. Stolas looked to see a blank spot where his grimoire used to be. Blitzo caught onto Stolas’ suspicion and distracted him…with a large bite to his feathery neck!

Stolas’ face turned bright pink, he flustered and moaned. Sweat poured down his face. “Oh my fuck! Oh wow!” He collapsed into the bed. “Oh you are so forward, Blitz!” Stolas could feel the heated hints of an erection.

Stolas began to sit up. “Oh, what are we doing?”

Blitzo, bent over the edge trying to get the book, saw Stolas and leaped onto him.

“No! No! Stay down, dammit!” Blitzo gripped Stolas’ arms.

“Oh, so you like to command, you like being in charge, hm?”

“Yeah, I sure do,” Blitzo replied. He grinned and reached out his hand for the book…

Stolas suddenly bounced Blitzo in the air with his feathery butt and moved him sideways.

“Oh, so you’re a kinky little imp, aren’t you? Do you like it when I talk dirty to you? I want you to f*** me with your **** **… Get it me through…”

Blitzo turned Stolas’ head around and covered his mouth with his hand. “No. Stop it.”

“Yes, if that’s what Blitzy wants,” Stolas replied.

Thinking fast, Blitzo grabbed the curtain from the bed poster and ripped it. He made strips and tied them around Stolas’ eyes.

“Blitzy! Oh, my, yes!” Stolas moaned in pleasure, BDSM fantasies rummaging through his head. Blitzo tied Stolas’ hands and feet to the bed as well.

“Oh, I’ve never had anyone want me this way,” Stolas mused.

Blitzo grabbed the grimoire and started to leave. He looked around.

Stolas smiled and sighed. “You have no idea how long I’ve craved this kind of passion, and how much it means that the one who wants me is…my first ever friend…”

Blitzo froze. Like Stolas, he didn’t really have any friends. Could he actually become friends with someone so different in status? At the moment, he felt a sort of pity for the bird prince.

Blitzo sighed and rolled his eyes. “Alright, fine, I can do this real fast.”

The Morning After ‘Real Fast’…

Blitzo snuck out of the room as Stolas slept, feathers shedding. “I got the book, I got the book, I got this fucking heavy book,” Blitzo whispered with a grin as he snuck toward the window. He placed the book on the ledge and climbed on top…

The book started to lean forward and fall.

“Oh shit!” Blitzo cried.

There was a big splat as Blitzo crashed into the fancy teal cake that was present at the tea party with Stella and her white elite friends. They sat in pink heart chairs. Stolas rose out of bed and looked outside.

“Sorry I fucked your husband!” Blitzo called to Stella before running for his life with the grimoire.

Stella turned to Blitzo in a fury, brown tea splattered all over the royals’ faces and clothes.

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT STOLAS?!” Stella fumed. She smashed her teacup onto the cobblestone ground.

Stolas grinned in victory. “That…was the sound… of a FUCKING DIVORCE!”

In one swipe, he ripped the blue banner in half.

The “Still Not Divorced!” banner now read “Divorced!” in gold.

Stolas held his arms in the air and laughed in triumph.

Blitzo drove the IMP van through a portal that Stolas created, stopping by a water fountain at the front of Stolas’ castle. Stolas winced as he bumped his head getting out of the van. Stolas tossed some apple-shaped straw holders back in the van before closing the door. He peered through the open window.

“Thank you for…inviting me out tonight. Despite everything that’s happened, I…I enjoyed spending time with you.”

“Yeah,” an irritated Blitzo replied, not looking at him.

“You know, I have some more wine in the house. Octavia’s with her mother this weekend so we could…”

“I’m not fucking you tonight, okay?” Blitzo spat. “I’m really just…” He sighed. “I’m really not in the mood, Stolas.”

“We could talk, or…watch a movie, or…maybe cuddle?” Stolas suggested, trying to soften the mood.

Blitzo glared at Stolas, anger and pain in his eyes. “Stolas, don’t act like what we have is anything but you wanting me to fuck you, okay?” His voice broke in sadness, “You make that really clear all the time.” He added, eyes downcast, face turned away, “But I just, I-I can’t do it tonight, okay?”

Stolas and Blitzo stared at each other with sad looks on their faces. “I’m sorry,” said Blitzo.

“Okay,” Stolas sighed, with a sorrowful bow. He stood up and stepped back. “Goodnight, Blitz.”

“Night,” said Blitzo.

Blitzo drove away from the castle and out of sight. Stolas was left all by himself again. Shedding a tear, he sat alone on the steps, head in his hands. Everything was his fault, it seemed. Just when he thought that he and Blitzo had grown closer…Blitzo had pushed him away.

Just like Stella and Octavia.

All because of his sexual urges and mistakes.

More tears fell from his eyes. Would Blitzo break up with him like Stella? Would he be truly alone?

Stolas looked up forlornly at the starry crimson sky…and for the first time, he felt like the cosmos and fate were watching over him instead of the other way around.

0 0 0

CHAPTER XII: NOW (c. 2022) …

Stolas groaned and slowly opened his eyes. He found himself staring at a pink stained glass ceiling dome decorated with crescent moons. Hanging from the dome was a golden mobile shaped like a sun. The rest of the ceiling looked like the night sky.

The world shifted into a clearer focus. Stolas sat up and wiped away the green remains of the absinthe he had gotten hungover on. He was still wearing the starry red cape and fancy dark suit he had worn with Blitzo at Asmodeus’ club. Several striped Venus Fly Trap plants looked at Stolas in curiosity. He put his fingers to his aching head and wandered toward his vanity in his room. Stolas sighed with melancholy, black mascara dripping from his red eyes. With a finger, he knocked over his bottle of happy pills, took three, and popped them into his mouth.

Stolas then scrolled through his cellphone, looking at pictures of Blitzo. One pictured showed a grumpy looking Blitzo in Stolas’ room. Another showed Blitzo’s drawing of a brown horse with white wings. Another showed Blitzo in a tired, mad position in his horse hoodie near a starry curtain. The last picture showed Stolas smiling and posing with his collection of monstrous plants behind him. Blitzo glanced off to the side, looking bored and unhappy. Stolas then realized his mistakes.

“Blitzo…wasn’t happy being with me,” Stolas thought sadly. “I didn’t consider his feelings. What have I done?”

Blitzo didn’t want to fuck him, nor be with him. He had only wanted the grimoire to expand his business.

Yet Stolas wondered if there was a part of Blitzo that secretly longed for a friend and partner. Both of them felt lonely and lost, surrounded by a variety of people. Some were friendly, while others shunned them away and downright hated them. Stolas thought that his dates with Blitzo was the beginning of not only freedom from his daily struggles…but also a spark of true love and freedom.

And now it was gone.

He walked into the night air and paced back and forth near the double glass doors, which glowed pink and magenta in the light.

0 0 0

Octavia finished her cereal at the kitchen table, while listening to punk music from her earbuds. She rose to put her stuff away, then headed back toward her room. She was glad that her taxidermy books didn’t judge her, at least.

“Octavia!” barked a voice.

Octavia took out her earbuds and saw her mother’s face.

“The fuck do you want, now?”

“I just want to talk.”

“Shove it,” Octavia scoffed. “I’m not in the mood for your fucking monologues.”

“But this is important, Octavia. It’s not about etiquette or rules this time. It’s about your father.”

Octavia seethed and made her way out toward the balcony.

“He’s been under a lot of stress, lately…”

“Gee I wonder why,” Octavia deadpanned. “With you two constantly bickering, I’m not surprised.”

Stella put a hand on Octavia’s shoulder. “I know I haven’t really been…the most attentive mother, but you know I’m only trying to do what’s best for you in this hellhole.”

“Neither of you know what’s best for me.”

“But you still love your parents, don’t you?”

“Yes…”

“And I love you, too, Via. Your father however…not so much.”

Octavia then turned to look at her. “What do you mean?”

“This may be hard to hear, but he really is a pathetic excuse of a father. We were forced to marry each other and every day I wish things were better.”

“But why is he so sullen and nervous around you?” Octavia asked suspiciously. “If he’s really pathetic, why do you constantly scream at him and argue every chance you get?”

Octavia’s pink eyes narrowed, and Stella raised one brow.

“Don’t think I’m not aware of certain things,” Octavia said, arms folded. “I know you are a big part of the problem. Perhaps if you’d just fucking leave me and dad alone for once…”

Stella put her hands on her hips. “And let him be a bad influence on you and fuck around with more common imps? I know I may be very stern, but you have to trust me that I only want what’s best for you and our family.” She smirked. “Us ladies have to stick together, after all.”

She stroked Octavia’s shoulder and Octavia stepped back. “Still…that’s no excuse for your behavior. How do I know you’re just using me?”

“The real question is…” Stella’s eyes glowed with menace. “How do you know your father’s not doing the same?”

Octavia paused. “What?”

Stella scoffed. “Clueless as ever, I see.”

“If you’re fucking abusing him, tell me!”

“I may get angry, but I’d never resort to such uncouth behavior. But I’ve seen Stolas talk to himself at night. I’ve seen right through his innocent behaviors and now know he has more nefarious purposes…”

Stella widened her eyes in a tearful look. “The truth is, dear…Stolas doesn’t really care for you.”

“Bullshit,” Octavia scoffed.

“It’s true though. The only reason you were born is because you were raised to be a precautionary heir to the Goetia line. Stolas never really wanted any kids. The only things he cares about are money and screwing imps. Any kindness he has shown you is just a façade. He’s the one who’s abusing me in private.”

“That can’t be true…” Octavia breathed.

“And he’s only been so withdrawn and flinchy around me because he doesn’t want to admit the truth. Your dad not only hates you, but he’s also burdened by your very existence!”

Tears began to well in Octavia’s eyes. “What…why tell me now?”

“Stolas has been wanting a divorce for a while now. He wants…” Stella sniffed dramatically, “…to leave the palace and leave you behind.”

Octavia’s eyes widened. “My dad…doesn’t really care for me? But…”

“But what? What is there left to do? Stolas can’t wait for you to turn eighteen, because once you do, you won’t be his problem anymore!”

Octavia gasped as more tears rolled down. “No, no, no, no. I can’t fucking believe it.”

A pause of dread.

“I’ll leave you alone to think about it,” Stella said, pulling her into a hug. “Stolas is inevitably going to leave. But I promise, I will make my amends and keep looking after you. I’ve only wanted you to live as normal of a life one can live in a royal family. I hope you’ll forgive me someday.”

“Okay, mom,” Octavia cried. “Just…leave me alone.”

They separated and Octavia raced out of sight, head in her hands.

After Octavia vanished, Stella smirked. “How pathetic.”

0 0 0

Stolas sang his lament out loud, tears welling in his eyes as he wandered into his library.

“Out in a cage

You show your age

Your sweetness has run foul

Without a change, you’re lost, exhausted

By your time on stage

Then you walked into my room

And light sparks in the dark

Life was suddenly thrilling and new

What’s between you and I

Just a comfortable lie

I’m the fool who believes when you look in my eyes”

Stolas grabbed another fancy book titled “Asmodeus King of Lust”, flipped through the pages and stopped on a page on Asmodean crystals. The text was written in runes.

“Asmodean Crystals: Bestowed to mainly succubi and incubi by the king of sin and lust – these crystals allow access to the mortal realm.”

“My hellborn in possession of a registered crystal may be granted portal summons.”

“It is common practice to have the crystal paired with another object of convenience.”

“Jewelry is the most popular option.”

“This writing in runes shit was fun at first but I know I am definitely not doing this right. I should be spending more time with my friends and family.”

Stolas dropped the open book on his bed. He imagined a teal Asmodean crystal soaring though the air like a shooting star, lighting up Blitzo’s silhouette beside him. His mascara ran like black tears down his face as he sang.

“Prince, all alone, upon your throne

Your power is so frail

You raise your voice

You have no choice

Inside your gilded jail”

Stolas’ voice cracked as he reached his hand toward the red starry sky in vain. Two bushes of flowers sat in crown-shaped holders.

“The fuck are you doing?!” called Stella’s voice from behind him.

“Reflecting,” Stolas replied, still staring straight ahead.

“Well, stop!” Stella demanded as she walked toward him. “It’s annoying to hear you screeching your silly woes all the time!”

“Why are you still here?” Stolas demanded, turning around. “You leave with Via on weekends but then you stay around the house despite everything.”

“I like tormenting you,” Stella smirked, holding out a finger. “I want to keep reminding you of what you did.”

“I know what I did!” Stolas yelled, leaning his face in. “I would feel bad if I hurt you, but we both know I didn’t do that. You and I were arranged for one reason; to birth a precautionary heir to the Goetia family, nothing more. I tried so many years to make it comfortable for us; to have this family, but it was never enough. The only reason I have endured your constant insults and cruelty was for that girl to have a normal life. I cannot do this anymore. I want you out. Now!”

Stella looked taken aback. “What do you mean, out?”

Rage flowed through Stolas, no longer contained inside. “I mean out! Out of this palace, out of my life! We are getting the divorce!”

Stella’s eyes twitched in fury. “How dare you?!”

She stomped forward, pointing at him and Stolas shrank backwards, hands in front of him.

Stella spat, “What do you think the rest of the Goetia family will think? Andrealphus…”

Stella raised her hand to slap him…only for Stolas to grip her arm, blocking her attack. For so many years, he had endured her horrible abuse. But anger and newfound courage had now enabled Stolas to stand up for himself.

“I don’t care what your arrogant brother thinks!” Stolas fired back. “And the only thing the Goetia family wanted from our marriage is already seventeen, so it’s over! I’m DONE!”

Stella briefly stared wide eyed in surprise at Stolas’ sudden defiance. Then she glared and pulled her hand away from his grip.

“Fine,” Stella scoffed. “I have no desire to stay in the place of a traitorous embarrassment. You have fallen from what little grace you had, and I know…”

She smirked evilly… “…you’ll pay for it.”

Stella stomped off, leaving Stolas alone.

Stolas sighed, hand briefly over his face as he looked forlornly at the sky, his cape making a dark fan-shape near the ground. Another shooting star zoomed through the sky.

“I wish things didn’t have to end like this,” he thought.

From behind a wall, a figure gasped softly, shaking. Tears rolled down Octavia’s face. She had overheard the whole argument between her parents.

“I can’t fucking believe it,” she thought. “They are getting a divorce. Now I’ll be left all alone.”

She wiped away her tears and raced back inside. She walked into Stolas’ library and remembered Blitzo’s grimoire, the one that allowed the imps to travel to Earth. “If only there was something that could help me…some sort of spell in the grimoire or one of these books…” she thought. Looking down at the open book on the bed, she spotted the page on Asmodean crystals.

“Access to the Living World?” she thought. Octavia pondered over her future responsibilities as part of the Goetia family and maintaining the cosmos. She had her suspicions that Stella and Andrealphus had sinister plans to aid in her father’s further fall. But if Stella was right and her father didn’t really love her…who could she really trust?

Octavia was still a lonely, antisocial, young teen. She could do magic easily, but she felt far from ready when it came to taking on her father’s role. If she couldn’t fully trust her mother or her father or that imp pal of Stolas’…she’d have to go on alone.

Octavia could fulfill her predestined role… or alternatively, she could perhaps start a new life somewhere else. An independent life away from her parents…or at least somewhere where she could take time to reflect.

A place to figure out her true divine purpose, aside from being an heir.

A look of pain and determination was set in Octavia’s pink eyes.

She knew what she had to do.

Chapter Text

“In the great expanse of the nether, there exists boundless amounts of magnificent phenomena. The great brilliance of an exploding star. The nimble dance of space dust through a nebula. But once every one thousand years, our corner of reality is treated to an incredible sight. From the deep eldritch recesses of the cosmos, the tears of a forgotten colossus begin to fall. Tears made of the hopes and dreams of every living thing that never came to be, condensed and sent shooting across the night sky in a dazzling final display. What appears to mortal beings as a meteor shower, we can see for what it is, Azathoth’s Tears.”

Stolas narrated as he conjured up magical holographic images of space. The universe showed a vast purple nebula sky, a giant pink star exploding, and a dazzling pink swirling nebula that looked like a galaxy. Finally, four rocky meteors soared across the sky, two with teal flames, one with purple flames and one with teal and pink flames trailing behind it.

Stolas curled his hand and the images faded as the portal closed. Little Octavia giggled in his lap, wearing her pink dress with stars on it. Her room had hanging lights, a headboard with a princess crown on it, ringed planet bedposts, a mobile with moons and stars, constellation posters and a bookshelf. Stolas’ grimoire hovered in the air, surrounded by purple and blue magic.

“Daddy,” said little Octavia. “Can we go see it someday?” Wonder filled her magenta pink eyes.

“Yes, dear,” said Stolas, lifting her up and placing her onto the bed. He tucked her in with her purple quilt with yellow stars on it. “I promise, when the day comes, nothing will be able to keep me from being there with you.”

He playfully poked her on the nose, and she giggled. He put his hands over his heart and displayed a loving fatherly smile. “Good night, my Owlette.”

“Good night!” little Octavia called with a yawn. Stolas’ grimoire closed and it trailed behind him. She wiggled in bed and softly squealed in excitement, even though the event was…

0 0 0

…many years later in the present (2021). The excited teen Octavia got out of bed. With a feathered quill, she crossed out a date and spotted the present day. She had drawn meteors in purple. In pink, there were stars and the smiling faces of her and her father watching the meteors. She circled the picture and hurried off.

Down the hall with the purple and green Venus fly traps, Octavia hopped on one foot, pulling on her black high heeled boot. She wore her usual pink dress with yellow stars on it, her crown, a black soft hat, a pink collar, a black jacket and fingerless gloves.

Octavia turned a corner. “Hey, Dad!”

She paused. In front of her was an empty kitchen. Moving boxes were stacked on the floor.

“Dad?” Octavia questioned in concern as she turned another corner.

“Daaaad!” Octavia called as she ran her hand down the gold stair rails. Curled within the rails were red eye designs.

She wandered out the open doors to the front courtyard. Stolas, wearing a scowling expression, was holding the sunflower rotary phone in one hand, and squeezing the imp butler in the other.

“Yes, I know!” he said angrily into the phone to his former wife. “It will be there shortly!”

“Are the commoner imps being careful?” Stella shouted through the phone.

“Of course they’re being careful!” Stolas barked.

In front of Stolas, servant imps were busy lifting the boxes into a moving van. An “expensive shits” sign was taped to the back of the van.

“Dad, what’s going on?” Octavia asked from the doorway.

Stolas’ eyes widened and he turned to her.

“Apparently, your mother can’t exist somewhere two minutes without the entirety of her possessions before she…what?!”

He paced to the side, turning his attention back to the phone.

Stella yelled into the phone. “You turn my own daughter against me, hanging out…!”

Stolas put his hands on his hips. “No, I’m not turning her against you…!”

“Bring me my stuff!”

“Yes Stella!” Stolas breathed into the phone with too-wide eyes and a forced open-mouthed grin.

Stella screamed, “I hope I never have to see your fucking face again! Everyone in our family hates your guts!”

“Dad,” Octavia began, twiddling her fingers. “This is going to be done before tonight, right?”

“What?” Stolas lowered the phone. “Oh,” he sighed in frustration. He turned back around. “I hardly think so, knowing your mother, this will take all weekend.”

He yelled at the imps. “Don’t be gentle about it now! Break whatever you have to to get it all in there!”

He was satisfied when he heard Stella’s yells of protest. “What?! What did you just tell them to do?!”

“But,” said Octavia. “Tonight, we’re supposed to…”

“Darling, can we not talk about this now?” Stolas whispered hoarsely. “Your mother’s being a real B-I-T-C-H.”

Bird calls came through the phone. “Fuck, you know I can spell, right?!”

“Well how was I supposed to know you can spell?! I’ve never seen you read!” Stolas barked back as he strode toward the van.

Stella yelled again. “I’m going to take everything! Everything you own!”

Octavia stomped off toward her room. “Urgh!” She yelled in frustration as she slammed the door. “Urgh! She yelled in frustration as she flipped over her telescope, sending it crashing to the floor. She crumpled up her calendar and yelled again as she tossed it to the ground. Octavia took some shaky breaths and spotted her blue and white backpack on the floor. It had a yellow star on the back and two strings with crescent moons on them. She slung it over her shoulder and angrily walked out of the room.

0 0 0

Meanwhile back at I.M.P. headquarters, a calendar hung on the wall. On the 20th, Blitzo had written in caps “HAVE THE TALK” with a red circle around it. “Have the talk” was crossed out in the other squares other than “Stolas?” with a full moon and a dick and another square with a horse on it with “Riding Lessons” at the bottom. More horses were drawn around the calendar, along with a long-necked horse with Stolas’ face and hat. Other tasks on Blitzo’s calendar included “Murder Tien,” “Observe Employees,” “Pissing Contest,” “Commit Tax Fraud,” “Kill That Guy,” “Stab That Bitch,” an explosion, “I Love Moxxie,” “Sunday Fuckday” and “Moar Horses!” An arrow held up another Blitzo drawing.

The calendar image was a picture of a lounging Verosika Mayday but with a sticky note of a winking Blitzo drawing covering her face.

Blitzo was apparently going to have the talk with Loona about her aggressive behavior toward his clients. Unfortunately, the raging hellhound was currently throwing a dagger and two spinning weapons at her adoptive dad’s head.

Blitzo smiled nervously. “Loona, honey, wait just a…shit!”

Blitzo ran for cover as Loona chased him while holding the water dispenser in her hands.

Blitzo appeared on the other side. “Loonie, please, can we talk…?”

The water dispenser smacked him in the face.

“Fuck! Uh, I mean, wow!” His eye was swollen where the water cooler hit it. He smiled nervously and said sarcastically, “A good throw, honey,” while pointing both fingers in a mock, “good job,” gesture. “I’m so proud of youuuu…!”

Blitzo’s method of trying to calm her down resulted in a growling Loona barreling into Blitzo and the imp screaming in response. They rolled onto the floor, where Loona proceeded to bash Blitzo’s face with a spiked frame picture of a horse drawing surrounded by hearts.

Moxxie smirked happily on the moth-ridden gray couch, holding a mug in his left hand. Millie smiled in fascination as Loona continued her attack. She walked over to Moxxie. Moxxie poured Millie a mug of coffee and handed her a lavender mug with her face on it surrounded by hearts. Moxxie’s mug was purple and surrounded by golden music notes. Millie jumped into Moxxie’s lap.

“What’s this all about, honey?” Millie asked.

Moxxie drank and sighed happily with an “ah.”. “Oh. Blitz finally talked to her about her attitude with clients.”

Blitzo was on the floor, and he got up on shaking legs. Blitzo pushed the couch in front of him like a shield as Loona growled lowly again.

“I-I just think some small tweaks might help you be more of a uh…people person, you know?” Blitzo began as Loona approached, teeth bared.

“I am a people person!” Loona seethed.

The three imps shared looks.

Loona grabbed Blitzo by the collar and pulled him close. “If I’m so terrible, how about you just grow a pair and replace me?!”

Blitzo glanced to the side. “Okay, well maybe I…” Then he thought. “Maybe I might.”

Loona paused. “What?”

Blitzo glanced at Moxxie who smiled and gave a thumbs up.

“Maybe I will, little missy!” Blitzo declared, poking her in the stomach and folding his arms. “Yeah, that’s right, it’s tough love time!” He paused and pointed. “So now you can…go to your desk!”

Loona growled “Urgh!”, dropped Blitzo upside down and stomped off.

Meanwhile, out of everyone’s line of sight, Octavia opened the adjacent door with a pair of purple pliers. She did a silent roll into the room, covering her mouth with her feathery hair like a scarf disguise.

Moxxie lifted Blitzo up onto the couch. “Sir, if I may say so, you’re doing the right thing.” Moxxie massaged Blitzo’s shoulders. “If we can’t even hire a cheerful qualified receptionist, how can people trust us to massacre and mutilate their enemies for them? It’s good for business.”

Octavia zoomed off and hid behind a thin brown cactus plant. The plant had a tag: “To Millie from Dad.” She crawled along the floor and crouched behind a fax printer that read “Hel 9000.” She stood up and spread out her arms against a picture of a Blitzo stick figure drawing with Blitzo’s head, a gun, and horses. She glanced at Loona who was sitting at her desk, staring at her phone and computer, bored.

She dashed off and opened the door to Blitzo’s office. Octavia removed her hair from her mouth and dashed forward. A heating vent was shaped like weapons in a connected row. There was a lemon plant with “no whores allowed,” “The Incredible Blitzo,” picture, bloodstained playing cards in frames, a “Wild and Free” horse picture and office items. She opened a drawer and tossed out objects from it: Moxxie and Millie-themed office supplies, a Loo-Loo Land cup, a paper crown, and a Mare-juana horse toy with gems on it. She turned her head backward around to the giant poster of Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie and Loona smiling.

There was always something hidden behind giant posters, there had to be.

Octavia lifted the flap and sure, enough, there was a rusted red safe box coated in spider webs. On it was a sign with horses drawn on it and “Blitz’s stuf, do nut steal!”

Octavia was worried that she wouldn’t find the password, until she looked on the back of the paper and saw “Password: 1-2-3-4” scribbled on. She typed in the red 1-2-3-4 buttons, the screen glowed green, and the box clicked open!

Octavia grabbed the grimoire and flipped through the pages.

“Take me to see the stars,” she said. A purple light glowed from the book. Her eyes glowed white and a black pentagram surrounded her. Swirling black tendrils of energy danced around her and a loud whooshing sound was heard.

Moxxie noticed the magenta-violet light coming through Blitzo’s open office.

“Um, sir?” Moxxie began, pointing at the door. Blitzo was relaxing with cucumbers over his eyes.

“The fuck?” he gasped, cucumbers falling off.

The three imps burst into the room; weapons drawn. They squeezed through the door, Blitzo carrying his flame rifle, Moxxie drawing his pistol and Millie smashing her mug to the ground. Octavia gave Blitzo a brief look before walking through the large glowing white portal. It closed behind her.

The three imps stared in disbelief.

“Loona!” Blitzo bellowed.

“Oh yeah, you have a visitor,” she replied nonchalantly as Blitzo narrowed his eyes.

Blitzo crouched down and breathed heavily in a panic. He held his head and grabbed Moxxie’s shirt. “Shit, shit, shit, shit! What the fuck am I supposed to tell Stolas?!”

“Well, he seems to like you, sir,” Moxxie replied nervously. “Maybe he would understand if…”

Blitzo shoved Moxxie away. “Okay, my dick is good…but it is not that good, Moxxie.”

“Sir, I don’t think we really have a choice,” mentioned Moxxie.

Blitzo scoffed. “So, what? You want me to just call him up and be like…”

Later, on Loona’s bone phone…

“Hey, Stolas, oh your daughter came by, took your book, and teleported off to who the fuck knows where, we have no way of getting either of them back, okay?! Okay, good talk, byeee!”

Blitzo hung up the phone and flinched. He turned to a concerned Moxxie and swiped his head in brief relief. “Whew, wow that actually went better than I thought…”

“BLITZ!”

The exit door blasted open and sent Moxxie flying. A demonic Stolas appeared, a black towering owl with four red eyes and red outlines.

Stolas stomped into the room, his gaze menacing, his voice demonic.

“WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER?!”

Blitzo stepped back and held up his hands. “I promise, Stolas, all of us will find a way to get her back as soon as…”

“YOU’D BETTER!” Stolas replied. Just when Blitzo thought he was going to double Hell, Stolas took some deep breaths and morphed back into his normal demon form. Stolas paced back and forth in front of the three imps.

“How could this happen?! Do you just let anyone waltz into your office and grab infinitely powerful artifacts?!” Stolas clutched his hat, worryingly. “Why would she do this? How are we supposed to find her? Where would she go?”

“Well, the best-case scenario, she could’ve used the grimoire to go to another Ring in Hell,” Moxxie suggested.

“Yeah, maybe she wanted to go…shopping,” Millie added. “To that Stylish Occult store, maybe?”

Loona then sniffed the air.

“Well, it reeks of urine and desperation so…”

She flinched in disgust. “Ugh…L.A.”

Everyone looked at her in surprise.

“What?” she shrugged.

“L.A.? Los Angeles?” Blitzo asked. “But that’s in…”

“The human world!” Stolas sighed. “If the humans find her and discover what she is…”

His eyes flared red as he growled at Blitzo, face close, “I’ll be in eternal trouble!”

“Okay, okay,” Blitzo said, sweat beading his face. “We’ve been to the human world many times! It won’t be too hard, right?”

Without a word, Stolas waved his hand and summoned a glowing portal in front of him.

Blitzo noticed Stolas’ passive, upset look on his face. He spoke quietly. “Um…about several nights ago. I, um, I may have been a little harsh with, ya know, pushing you away after the time at Ozzies…”

“I tried to make things nice for us, but obviously, you didn’t care,” Stolas replied coldly.

“I-it’s not that I didn’t care, it…” Blitzo began. He still couldn’t bring himself to belief that Stolas may have deeply cared for him as a sort of loving friend. He was still used to viewing Stolas as a pompous promiscuous annoyance but a necessary one to keep up his killing business. Now Blitzo felt especially bad now that Stolas’ daughter was likely in danger.

Moxxie and Millie looked concerned. Loona rolled her eyes.

Stolas remained silent for a moment.

“If perhaps you…don’t only care about…fucking me, and you actually want something more…” Blitzo added.

Stolas held up a hand, his voice detached. “Find my daughter and I’ll accept your apology.”

Millie was about to step through the portal, but Stolas held her back.

“Wait. We will need disguises first,” said Stolas.

Stolas and Loona’s eyes glowed white and they began their Sailor Moon themed transformations. Loona transformed into a tall white woman with long white hair and a partially shaved head. She had ripped black shorts, a gray short, ripped top and her downward black pentagram design on her chest. Her tennis shoes resembled her foot paws. She stared intently at her cell phone.

Stolas did a pose in his new human form. He had high heel black shoes, long gray pants, and a red vest with the hanging tails in the back resembling owl feathers. His hair was brown, short and spiky, his skin white, his eyes red.

Millie clapped happily while Blitzo stared agape. “No chance you couldn’t conjure up a couple of those, can ya?”

Muttering some words, Stolas waved his hands and dark tendrils with red auras shot out of his fingers. The three imps rose into the air and did their own Sailor Moon themed transformations. They all wore their same outfits, but each looked different. Blitzo posed as a man with large ears, olive colored skin, red eyes, and short black hair. Moxxie was short with white skin and his same, white-colored hair. Millie was now a black woman with wild thick black hair and dark lipstick on.

“Whoa!” the imps all gasped in shock, looking at their new forms with red eyes. They all stared at Stolas in shock.

Stolas shrugged. “What? Did you think I would just waltz into the human world and not allow you imps to be disguised as well since my powers are limited in the human world without my grimoire?”

The imps just stood silent, glancing at each other. Wordlessly without looking, Blitzo tossed Loona through the portal. She landed on her butt on the ground.

“I just think you wouldn’t be able to memorize your own fucking spells,” Blitzo replied as he and the others walked through the portal.

“If you think your memory’s so great,” scoffed Stolas, “then what’s his phone number?” He mentioned to Moxxie.

“Fuck you,” Blitzo seethed.

“Exactly,” Stolas smiled.

The five disguised demons looked around. They were standing in an alley. “Fuck you” was graffitied in red on the wall behind them over art of a squid in an ocean. There were vents in the wall to the left, a green dumpster and garbage bags to the right. Beer bottles stood in a wet spill, among damp boxes. “Bullshit” was written in white over a vented garage door, two florescent lights above it. Graffiti art of a skull with a snake coming from its eye socket, smiled on another wall near some stairs.

Nearby posters read, “PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING! City finds LA water to be 2% sewer overflow and 98% acid. NO OBVIOUSLY DON’T DRINK THAT SHIT!! Top scientists say.”

A distant gunfire and scream were heard as the disguised imps spotted a dead body nearby.

“Oh, this doesn’t look much different from Hell,” Blitzo remarked. “Alright, Loona, let’s make this quick in and out before anyone notices us here.” He brushed his shirt and happily marched forward. “Alright, now let’s get to work. Loonie, sniff!”

“How am I supposed to smell anything in this city?” Loona asked, tossing aside an orange can from her mane of white hair.

“Can’t you even do one thing right?” Moxxie argued.

“Can’t you ever stop being a nagging whimp?” Loona replied.

Moxxie seethed as Loona walked on.

Stolas walked out of the alley and spied a dazzling pair of red sunglasses on display. He picked them off the stand and put them on. Blitzo and Loona followed him while Millie dragged an apprehensive Moxxie by the hand down the sidewalk.

Just then, Moxxie ran into a man in front of him. The man had light brown skin, a gold tooth, a single curled hair on his chin, yellow square sunglasses, and red hair. He wore a pair of red earphones around his neck along with a brown floppy hat, a dark shirt, baggy red pants, and a purple jacket.

The man snapped his fingers with both hands and grinned.

“Hey, little man. How about you check out...”

He pulled a CD out of his jacket that read “My Demo!!” in black marker…

“…this demo right here? This is some premium Grade-A fire right here!”

He shoved the CD into Moxxie’s hands and Moxxie beamed wide-eyed at it as the man did peace sign poses.

The man pulled Moxxie and Millie close to him. “Perfect for you to crank with the little lady,” he said in a sing-song voice.

A disgusted Millie walked out of his arms.

“Oh, wow!” exclaimed Moxxie. “You made this? Thank you.”

Moxxie and Millie began to walk away but the man swung around a palm tree and blocked their path. Moxxie fell to the ground.

“Oh, hey, hey, hey. Hold up a sec, you just gonna grab it and go?” he asked.

“He said ‘thank you,’” said an annoyed Millie.

The man held out his hand. “Twenty bucks, man.”

Moxxie stood up and desperately grabbed Millie’s face. Tears came to his eyes as he went on his knees.

“Millie, we need money to pay this talented artist!” he begged.

Millie watched in annoyance as the rest of the group turned a corner.

Millie lifted up Moxxie. “You can just give it back, Mox.”

Moxxie gasped, held his hands to his face and crouched beside the palm tree. He held the CD close.

“Millie! These artists put their heart and soul into their work! I can’t just give it back like it’s worthless!”

Moxxie hissed and swiped at a squirrel that was sniffing him. His real face briefly appeared.

“It probably is,” Millie mentioned bluntly. The man glared at her.

A tall woman with orange hair, purple sunglasses, black hoop earrings, black shorts with pink flames on them, and a revealing pink top flipped a coin at Moxxie.

“Sick demon costume, man! It’s metal as fuck!” She did two horn gestures with her hands and walked on.

Moxxie’s face vanished and his disguised face appeared again. Moxxie flipped the coin and it fell out of his hands. “I have an ide…oh, whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey, come get back here!” Moxxie chased after the coin and grabbed it. He turned back to Millie and grinned. “I have an idea!” Moxxie looked at the coin, which had an American eagle, USA on the top and 2021 on the back.

Moxxie and Millie turned back into their demon imp forms and began to sing. A white man wearing a red shirt and a “dude” tattoo lovingly held a woman wearing an orange and yellow dress with a crescent moon necklace. Another woman closed her eyes in happiness as she listened. A man wearing an Elmo dinosaur costume took off his costume head and sobbed. The demo man crossed his arms in envy.

Millie and Moxxie stood high up in the palm tree leaves and sang. They held their hands, their faces close.

Moxxie began:

“You’re my pretty ray of hellfire

And you set my soul alight

I’m aflame with love

For you, my dove

You see…”

Millie joined in:

“Moxxie…

You’re the sweetly rotten pustule

On my heart as it decays

You’re the stench of evil clinging to my every dying day…”

They sang their duet:

“You’re the melody in every song

You’re the reason nothing’s ever wrong

You’re the first thing that I think of

When I wake anew to kill again…”

You’re my lovely little monster

And I’ll never say goodbye

I will kill for you

Until they day we diiiieeeeee!”

They ended on several long notes by raising their arms in the air as a white “Hollys Wood” sign stood on the hill in the background. The sun shone high in the smoggy sky.

The crowd clapped and Moxxie bowed back on the ground. A red rose was tossed to him. The man in the Elmo dino costume was slipping him dollar bills. Moxxie excitedly pointed to the cup of coins in his hand while Millie rolled her eyes.

Moxxie held out a cup of coins to the man. “And here you are my fellow Troubadour.”

The man snatched the cup and shoved Moxxie away.

“Whatever, man. Get the fuck outta here, you’re cramping my business!”

The imps’ faces turned human again. A sign read “palm readings!”

“Come on, babe!” called Millie. “We have to catch up to Blitz before…”

Millie ran face first into a billboard painted exactly like the area in front of her.

“Ayyy, wanna buy some art?” asked a bald man with a long beard.

Moxxie beamed. “Wha? Yes!” He held up a dolphin beach flyer that said “believe” on it. Millie face-palmed at Moxxie’s distractions.

Other items were on display: a poster with a shirtless humanoid wolf-man, a palm-tree head with a woman’s bikini body, a stuffed dog, “Mon-nya Lisa,” a poster of a blue humanoid anime bunny, an “I love LA” shirt, dolphin posters and other sexualized furry characters. There were also keychains of the palm-tree head lady, a Verosika Mayday keychain and a purple shirtless hellhound with heart nipples.

0 0 0

Octavia groaned and slowly opened her eyes. She moved her right hand with her fingerless glove in front of her. On the ground was a gold star with an old-fashioned movie camera in the center. It didn’t show any actor’s name.

“Where am I?” she groaned.

Green vomit with a balloon piece in it suddenly splattered in front of her from a hunched over hobo man. Octavia flinched and stood up, spotting another man. He had olive skin, short black hair, and an eyeball hanging down. Octavia had accidentally killed actor Brennon Ragers by stepping on him. The portal closed above her. His head flopped down after she accidentally kicked it. She gasped and stepped back; grimoire clutched to her chest. Another man wore cardboard boxes with hamburgers painted on.

She bumped into a man dressed as a clown.

“Whoa!”

The clown angrily turned around, raising a fist.

“Hey! This is my territory, bitch! Take your shitty costume and get the fuck off my corner!”

The clown shoved her into the street, where she narrowly dodged cars. She raced on. Angry protestors were yelling at a gold statue of a smiling man dressed in a suit and top hat, hand extended. The protestor’s signs read, “Demons walk among us,” “God hates your personally,” and “< - - to Hell.”

Octavia tripped with a yelp, falling to the ground. She turned around and spotted two women who were freaked out. One wore green and the other wore a cream-colored dress and matching fancy hat. She grabbed the grimoire and hurried off to an alley. She leaned against the wall, breathing in a panic.

Octavia then took some deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. Even though it was a strange new world, at least she was free to explore and not be stuck back at the mansion.

Octavia brushed herself off and stood up. She figured she could start by asking the humans where to go.

She sighed and walked out of the alley. She spotted a lady walking a hyper girl on a leash by a TVs4Less store.

“Hey, do y…” she began, but the lady walked away.

“Can you help…” she tried talking to another lady and two men, but they walked past her.

“H-how do I get, ah – I – excuse me, I just need to know where I can…”

She sighed in defeat, “…see the…stars.”

She groaned in frustration, hiding her face behind her beanie and rubbing her eye.

A bus tours pamphlet hit her in the face from the wind. She opened it and saw an ad: “Star Struck Tourz – stalk your favorite celeb!”

“Yes!” Octavia whispered, crumbling the flyer in a hug. She spotted the blue bus and hopped on.

After an hour, Octavia stared at an overhead orange plane in boredom. She groaned as she stared at the blue sky. Not a star in sight.

The tour guide was the same orange haired man who did the tour in front of Lyle Lipton’s mansion. A guy in front of her was taking pictures.

The tour guide said, “And to your left, you’ll see the home of one of those influencers who thinks they’re hot shit cause they now do TV shows!”

Octavia spotted a black man on his knees wearing sunglasses on the ground. He was begging as a woman and son left him and went inside a limo. After the limo left, the black man raced over to a pink-haired man in a bathrobe, and they kissed. Octavia groaned and put her beanie over her face again.

After the bus stopped, Octavia stepped out and ripped the pamphlet in half with a deadpan expression. She pulled her beanie over her ears and walked by a door spray-painted with a teal “bullshit” and a green nuclear explosion. She walked by two police officers, one of them smoking, leaning against a lamppost. Two cars were wrecked and stained with blood. A lady was yelling at an old man on the sidewalk. Without looking, Octavia stepped over the corpse of a man with glass in his chest and organs spilled on the sidewalk. The other people gasped as she walked on.

Octavia turned and spotted a magnificent art piece on display. It showed a lavender owl with teal light swirling from its eye, a skull in its talons near a full moon. “Star Owlz Souvenir Shop” was at the top.

Octavia’s eyes went wide with excitement. She never thought she’d see something so cool on Earth. She took out her phone and snapped a picture.

She peered inside a shop and spotted eyeball shaped hanging lights, an “Oh Weed Ya” board, and an IT clown doll in a box. It read “I luv you. Wanna play? He can talk!” There were also watches, spiky collars, and graphic t-shirts on display.

She walked past the window, before turning around. She pressed her face against the glass, fingers sliding as she spotted a blue and teal “Star Struck Surprise Box” with a gold ribbon.

‘Maybe if I were human,’ thought Octavia, ‘I could work at an observatory…or a Not Topic store. Or be in a punk band. I’d rather be anywhere than near my arguing parents.’

She thought about Stolas again and sighed. Why couldn’t her parents just leave her alone and get along? She didn’t want anyone getting hurt, despite them living in Hell.

She put her earbuds in and listened to “My Life Is Burning All Around Me,” and another song “I Like It.” It felt good to be free.

“Don’t wanna do what my daddy told me to

On the edge, tryna to see a brand-new view

Woah, and I liked that”

“Sick and tired of just wastin’ all my time

You know what?

I think I’ll go commit a crime, woah

And I like it”

“Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,

Oh, no

And I like it”

“Wanna see the sights

Be a troublemaker

Turn off the lights

Get in a fight”

“Live on long

I’m not a faker

I’m a product of a broken home”

“And I know that I can make it on my own

A story I will write

And, going off the radar

And I like it.”

0 0 0

A door opened from a “Little Costume Shop of Horrors.” A sign with a bat on it read “Year-Round Halloween Shop.” A hanging green zombie animatronic with an eye falling out, cackled on the door. Signs nearby read “Store Closing Sale – just take stuff.”

Blitzo posed in front of Stolas and Loona with a costume.

“So?”

He wore a pink shirt, blue jeans, boots, a brown wig, and large pink ears. Adding his olive-colored skin of his human disguise, he looked just like…

A woman wearing a white shirt with a YouTube-like logo screamed excitedly.

“Look everyone! It’s Holly’s Wood star, Brennon Ragers! (Brandon Rodgers)”

“The fuck is a Brendon Rager…” Blitzo began before looking up at a billboard ad. “Oh.”

The ad showed a smiling Brennon Ragers calling “SWEETIE! I’M IN THE HOUSE! ™ Guest Starring Brennon Ragers.”

Stolas looked wide-eyed at the billboard. “Oh dear,” he breathed.

Blitzo found himself immediately mobbed by an adoring crowd. The people took pictures as Blitzo frantically tried to escape.

“Millie! Where are you and your whore bag husband?!” Blitzo shouted over the noise of the crowd.

The crowd lifted up Blitzo in the air as he yelped.

“I’m taking this out of their pay!” he yelled.

A dark truck pulled up and muscular agents hopped out of the back. More people held back the crowd and Loona. A man blew a whistle and held up a certificate that read “Cinephile University, Master of Arts in Film Production, I guess.”

Blitzo fell to the ground and looked up at three men approaching. A short man with a blonde ponytail and glasses was flanked by two tall men wearing black shirts, blue jeans, and black sunglasses. He held a bag of fruit snacks.

“Mr. Ragers, we’ve been looking everywhere for you. You were supposed to be on set an hour ago!”

“The fuck are you talking about?” Blitzo asked as the two agents picked him up.

“Your guest spot on…” said the producer as a brief ad for “Sweetie, I’m In The House!” played. “Thursdays at 8PM, ads by Gaagle.” He ate a fruit snack. “We’re taping tonight. Now hurry up and get in the car!”

“Oh no, no, no, no, no, no! I’m not going anywhere with you, jizz-biscuit!” He flipped him off with both fingers.

“Very funny, Mr. Ragers,” said the producer, his gold tooth, glinting. “Now, get in the car.” He held out a fruit snack in his hand and tried to lure him like a dog. “Come on, boy. Come on.”

Blitzo struggled again. “Get your fucking hands off me!” He briefly got himself free before one of the agents lifted him up in the air. One of his pink ears fell off and landed into a man’s arms. The fans fought over the ear and a teen boy with ginger hair tore off his shirt. His chest read “Brennon Ragers” as he cheered.

“Loona! Stolas! A little help here?!” cried Blitzo as he was carried away by the agent.

Stolas tried to push his way through. “E-excuse me, sir. I’m…Mr. Rager’s agent, and I don’t believe you can just…”

One of the muscular agents cracked his neck and picked up Stolas with his meaty hands, carrying him away.

“Oh, you are strong!” Stolas blushed.

Blitzo and Stolas were tossed into the back of the van. Blitzo leaped forward with a growl, but the doors closed in front of him.

Stolas sat down; eyes downcast. “Oh Blitz, we don’t have time for this. Via could be anywhere. She could be in danger.”

“Don’t worry, I’m on it,” Blitzo replied. Blitzo’s horns briefly appeared, and he broke the window with them before they vanished.

“Loonie!” Blitzo called. Loona knocked a person down. Blitzo yelled, “Go find Via! We’ll catch up, soon!”

Loona turned around and flipped off Blitzo with two fingers.

“Yeah! Way to be a team player, sweetie!” Blitzo remarked proudly with a thumbs up.

Blitzo turned to Stolas. “She’s in great hands.”

Soon they arrived at the tall building labeled “Starstruck Studios.” A sign read “Authorized personnel only.” Blitzo clawed at the door frame in protest as the agent carried him in. He yelled and growled to no avail. Another agent carried Stolas in. The agent dragged Blitzo along and a group of smiling people followed, holding water, paintbrushes, and a microphone. One had a notepad with questions on it. Another poked Blitzo in the eye with a water bottle.

Blitzo was tossed into a black makeup chair.

“Let’s get him ready! He’s on in five!” called the producer.

Makeup artists were spraying his hair and brushing his face.

“What?” Blitzo asked in shock. “Five what? I-I can’t be on a sitcom!”

Blitzo was smacked in the face with a powder pad as the artists continued. He was then carried backstage to Stolas, who was holding water bottles.

“Should’ve had an ego crisis before signing the contract,” the producer remarked to Blitzo.

“I-I-I, whoa, I don’t even know the fucking lines, idiot!”

“Well, that’s why God invented teleprompters!” remarked the producer.

The teleprompter was a lanky blonde man wearing a purple shirt, a baseball cap, and dark pants. He was picking his nose and leaning against an old teleprompter with a screen that read “GOD KILL ME PLS”. A pizza slice also hung from it. The teleprompter guy got electrocuted on top of the device. Nearby, a blonde actress wearing a teal blue dress was smoking on a couch. A blonde girl with a red bow tie, blonde curls and a red dress was snorting cocaine through her nose, her eyes turning red.

“Shouldn’t he rehearse or something?” Stolas asked.

“No can do,” said the producer. “We’re live in 10, 9…”

The producer walked away through the curtains.

Blitzo panicked. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! I-I…I can’t do this. No, not again. I-I haven’t performed since…”

Stolas shoved him forward onto the set, eyes narrowed. “Hurry up and wow them so we can get back to finding Via.”

Blitzo soon found himself on set and the lights turned on. The set appeared to be a typical cheerful living room with yellow wallpaper, yellow comfy chairs, a couch, and a coffee table. A “Love, Listen, Live” picture was on the wall to the left and a picture of the smiling blonde actress girl nearby with flowers. Angel figures were on a shelf. Trophies were on another shelf near a picture of a black puppy and another picture of ballerina shoes.

“Action!” called the producer. Blitzo stood stiff with fear as cheerful old-time theme music played.

A fat blonde male actor sat on the couch nearby.

“Well, if it isn’t our neighbor, Ronnie.” The man stood up. “You feel that earthquake, earlier?”

Blitzo sweat heavily. The agent next to the camera shook his head. Another blonde man nervously flipped through a script. The producer looked displeased.

“Say something!” Stolas whispered.

The teleprompter appeared and Blitzo stuttered as he read his line.

“Oh yeah, that was just my wife…rolling out of…bed.”

After a brief silence, the audience members laughed. Stolas chuckled. Screens above the stage read “LAUGH” in green letters.

Unaware of the screens prompting them to laugh, Blitzo smiled, wide-eyed.

With more enthusiasm, he added, “Yeah, yeah and then that bitch hit her head on the way down and shattered her skull!”

Stolas snickered while the audience sat in shocked silence.

“There’s blood everywhere…pee in her pants…” Blitzo exaggerated.

Stolas laughed. The audience look up at the screens which read “SRSLY, LAUGH ANYWAY,” in green. They laughed. Blitzo winked at Stolas, not as nervous. Stolas blushed and chugged a bottle of water. His disguise briefly flicked off as steam rose from his throat and he coughed. Then just as fast, the steam and the discomfort vanished.

After a while, the audience members were either bored or mentally scarred by Blitzo’s acting. One audience member held a noose. One popped bubblegum all over his face. Another guy leaned on the chairs. One woman fell asleep.

An old man read the Los Angeles News. The newspaper read, “The Observatory, or the best place to see stars. The observatory prepares for a long-awaited meteor shower. Tourists and astrologists alike come to witness this extravagant event. Oh, who am I kidding? No one really reads these anymore. At this point, I’m doing all can to hit my word count so I can get my paycheck, go home, and get high. A master’s degree in journalism, all for what? To get paid $20 an hour for a shitty newspaper? To have your wife leave you for a sexy Romanian lover? Oh my god, kill me now.”

“Man with nothing to declare has 6 turtles in his pants,” “Help Wanted: help needed removing rabid frogs from my swimming pool. They’re vicious, vile and won’t stop tormenting my family. Poor Timmy can’t even go outside without screaming in fear. The poor frogs have ben soaking in chlorine for nearly two months.” A picture of Blitzo’s shadow was in the paper with “Alien attack?” on top. “Nondescript nail polish brand gets canceled after fingers fall out…”

More articles read, “Obituary: numerous fans create shrines and mourn over the loss of the actor no one really cared about until just now. Everyone will forget about this in the next week, probably.” “The sub-par actor you loved when you were 12, passed earlier this week.” “Missing dog. Name: Contact Me. Reward: If you want. Location: To buy some. Awesome drugs!”

“Oh, Uggie! You’ve gone and done it again!” Blitzo remarked as a pug sat on the couch after he urinated on it. “That’s the fifth couch this year!”

The screens still advised the audience to laugh, and they did so, half-heartedly. Stolas also looked troubled. One guy laughed in insanity, green foam in his mouth, before he collapsed to the floor. One woman had a noose around her neck.

Blitzo picked up the pug and squeezed him tightly in his arms. “You know, maybe it’s about time I found you a new home, one that could put up with your attitude.”

Blitzo put a red leash on the pug and playfully bopped him on the nose.

Several actors appeared on set. The blonde child actress raised her hand.

“I could take him, Mr. Ronnie! I’d be happy to adopt old Uggie and give him the attention he needs!”

The blonde girl appeared with the other family of actors: the blonde fat man, the lady with the blonde wig, a blonde boy with spiky hair and a baby with a red heart pacifier in her mouth. They all smiled and posed like a perfect family. Birds, a fawn, a squirrel, and an orange cat circled around them in the spotlight.

“Aww,” cooed the audience.

Blitzo faced away from them and stared at the leash, downcast.

“Yeah, yeah, m-maybe you should adopt….”

Blitzo stared at the pug and a brief flashback came to him…

0 0 0

Blitzo was back in Hell at a hellhound adoption center. The center was a dimly lit place, a combination of a prison and a pound. It was dank and dimly lit, with the hellhounds locked in kennel-like cells.

Five hellhound bipedal dogs stared at Blitzo with wide red eyes. There was a small tan colored dog wearing a tattered green dress, a lanky hound with a white dress and thick black hair, a black and white hellhound, and another dog who wore a blue patched up shirt. The Uggie-like hound in the middle wore a ripped up blue shirt and wore a can on his head. On the cell floor were pizza boxes, bones, and a single book on a shelf. A urinal was in the background and there were messy bunk beds behind them.

Blitzo had his hands on the bars of the kennel cell.

“Aww, they’re all so cute. And they’re…sad.”

A large old adoption center lady stood beside him, with a gray wrinkled face and a deadpan expression. She had a gray dog face, thin white glasses, white hair, and a white pearl necklace over her dark clothing.

The lady stood under a worn red “Hellhound Adoption” sign with a pawprint on it. Teal fluorescent lights hummed above each of the cells, several of them shattered. The floor was wet with water.

“Maybe you could adopt this one here,” said the lady, pointing to an adjacent cell. “Quite a strong lad, he’ll be perfect for whatever work you want to use him for.”

Blitzo grinned and peered into the cell. Inside the cell was a hunched, wrinkled, ugly hound with red eyes, a thick face, and sharp claws. A scratched up green chair and a static old-fashioned TV were behind him. A few of his teeth were broken.

Blitzo flinched back.

“Ugh! No, I’m not looking for no ugly wonker, heh. I need something that’s more family-friendly.”

“A gift for the wife, huh?” the lady deadpanned. “No problem.”

Blitzo followed her several cells down.

“We have a nice selection of other hounds,” the lady said.

Blitzo stopped at another cell.

“Who’s that?” Blitzo pointed.

The lady stopped and looked in.

Sitting on a wooden bench was a teenage hellhound with a cell phone in her hands. She had a thick mane of white hair, narrow red eyes, and a thick black tail. She wore a red shirt with a skull on it and torn black pants. Above her was a torn-up sign that read “Hang in there.” Scratch marks all over the wall counted the number of days spent in the cell. A couple of books were under the bench and a pillow was in a corner.

“Oh, her? That’s just Loona,” said the lady in the same monotone voice. “What a nightmare.”

Near the bunkbeds were drawings of Loon and a thunder cloud, a drawing of flowers and another drawing of Loona stomping through a city. A young hellhound kid smirked mischievously at Loona. He wore a blue baseball cap, a torn white and red shirt, and blue pants. He held a bloodstained bat with nails stuck on the end of it. The boy pointed at Loona and jabbed her with his club. With a fierce growl, Loona slammed the boy against the cell bars, where he fell with a thud. Loona growled again, then curled up.

“Serious attitude problems,” the lady deadpanned. “She’ll be out of our hair next month when she ages out.”

Blitzo figured that would mean she’d be homeless.

Loona scooted backwards on the bench with a whine.

“Good riddance, if you ask me,” said the lady. “She’ll never amount to anything much.”

Blitzo took one look at Loona, who was now curled up and crying on the bench…and knew he had to save her.

0 0 0

“No,” Blitzo breathed, holding onto the leash back in the present. “No, no, no, you can’t have her!” Blitzo held the pug close and pointed at the child actress. “She’s mine and I love her!”

“AWWW?” appeared in lavender on the screens and the audience did their “Awws.”

Blitzo put his other hand to his head, choaking up.

“But, Mr. Ronnie,” said the girl. “You gotta let me have the puppy! You just gotta!”

The girl’s eyes briefly turned red, one of her teeth was sharp.

Blitzo hissed through his teeth and shoved her away.

“Don’t you touch her, you little anal fissure!” he spat. The girl clenched her fists in anger.

To Blitzo’s surprise, the audience laughed mindlessly again.

“Oh, you think this is funny, assholes?!” asked an offended Blitzo. He pointed to the child actress who scooted away from him. “She’s not fit to be a mother! I saw her doing lines of coke in her dressing room!”

The blonde man crumped up the script and a woman facepalmed. The producer rammed his fist, angry that Blitzo was going out of character. He gave a signal to the agents, and they approached the set menacingly. The blonde actress lady walked over to Blitzo, trying to calm him down.

“Now uh, Ronnie, I think maybe you should…”

She tried to grab the pug, but Blitzo held on tight.

“No, you can’t have my baby, bitch!” Blitzo shouted.

Blitzo smacked her off him, causing her wig to fall off. She looked sadly at her wig, then seethed at Blitzo, her head bald.

The agents reached out to grab him, as Blitzo stepped back.

As Blitzo pulled out his golden flintlock pistol in his other hand, his human disguise faded in a flash, revealing his true angry imp form. The audience gasped in horror as “OH SHIT!” appeared in red on the overhead screens.

“Demon!” someone cried.

“I’ll never get rid of her!” Blitzo bellowed.

One of the agents leaped into the air and tackled Blitzo. The gun fired and blood sputtered around. Blitzo sent the agent back with a powerful kick and shot him in the head.

Another guy wearing an orange shirt, tackled Blitzo and grabbed his arm. Blitzo elbowed him in the gut, and he sent the man to the ground. He shot the man and his head exploded in blood and smoke. The fat blonde man tackled Blitzo, and he was soon under a mob of attackers.

“Get off me!”

One swung a club of bails and others used briefcases. Several audience members filmed on their cell phones.

Stolas looked concerned. “I’m coming, Bliiitz!” he yelled before awkwardly tripping over a railing. He stood up and adjusted his sunglasses. “Excuse me! Would you mind?!” He tried to push through the crowd.

Stolas was pushed back hard by a blonde man. He scowled and with a flinch, threw a bottle of water at the producer.

The water was actually acid…and it severely burned the producer’s skin.

The producer screamed in agony as steam rose from his body. He stumbled and crashed into the teleprompter. The teleprompter crashed to the ground as flames appeared. “LET IT BURN” flashed in red on the flickering teleprompter screen. Electricity danced across the device and flames rapidly spread over the scripts and throughout the room.

For a brief second, all went dark.

Then the lights came back on, and all was chaos!

The flickering overhead screens now read “PANIC!” in red. Uggie the pug sat calmly on the couch as if to say, “This is fine.”

Fire flickered across the set and the stage floor was covered in blood. Bodies littered the ground. A woman screamed at a high pitch. Several people ran and screamed as they were burned by fire. The man reading the newspaper ignored the commotion. One of the agents was lifelessly pinned to the wall by the club. The boy actor had been crushed by a falling screen. The producer lay dead, and another person lay dead over a screen above.

A man ran into Stolas, but Blitzo reached out and grabbed his hand as he started to fall.

Stolas blushed heavily as Blitzo posed with his chest muscles exposed.

“Now, let’s go find our daughters,” Blitzo said in a serious tone, holding up his pistol as an explosion flared behind him. Stolas’ eyes grew wide, and his face turned red before he was pulled by Blitzo out of the building. Starstruck Studios was up in flames and smoke. (Fortunately, the pug got out safely).

“Don’t you ever reject me in the future again,” Stolas called, breathing heavily. “We’re friends no matter what…”

“Don’t get your dick in a twist just yet,” Blitzo glared as he pulled Stolas along.

0 0 0

Meanwhile, walking around the city, Loona listened to the same song Octavia listened to: “I Like It.”

“Don’t wanna do what my daddy told me to

On the edge, tryna to see a brand-new view

Woah, and I liked that”

“Sick and tired of just wastin’ all my time

You know what?

I think I’ll go commit a crime, woah

And I like it”

“Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,

Oh, no

And I like it”

“Wanna see the sights

Be a troublemaker

Turn off the lights

Get in a fight”

“Live on long

I’m not a faker

I’m a product of a broken home”

“And I know that I can make it on my own

A story I will write

And, going off the radar

And I like it.”

Loona happily sipped her coffee from a styrofoam cup in front of a “Best Coffee” shop. ($50 and $70 price labels were off to the side). Apparently, this Earth place wasn’t too bad. She opened up Sinstagram, Hell’s version of Instagram on her phone. She walked along until turning around with a soft bark. She spotted the Star Owl Souvenir Shop art that Octavia had admired. With a shrug, Loona took a selfie with the art in the background. For her new post, she wrote “#earthshit” with a flame emoji next to it. The “add location” included “Earth,” “Pride Ring,” “Sloth Ring” “Gluttony Ring,” “Envy Ring, “Wrath Ring,” “Greed Ring,” and “Lust Ring.” Her username was “moonlighthowling666.” Other friends of Loona on Sinstagram were a masculine hellhound, “hellboy61,” “Verosika,” “Vortex,” and “Hotdog.”

“Wacky Wally Official” read under “sponsored”: “DO YOU WANT TO MAKE TONS OF MONEY, but don’t know how? Just buy my free courses…” with 66,666 likes.

When Loona spotted Octavia’s selfie by the owl art with the same “#earthshit” caption, she spat out her coffee in shock. Octavia had posted: “Finally found at least something cool in this place! The artist who did this, rocks!” She put a flame emoji at the end. Octavia’s username was “gothchick17.”

Loona clicked on her profile, which read “VIA,” “Sad” and “Depressed” with crying devil emojis. She had 999 posts, 67 followers and 576 profiles she was following.

Octavia posted a selfie of her looking bored in front of a castle. “Found a cool looking castle. Reminds me of home. #earthshit.”

Loona narrowed her eyes and examined the picture closely. She turned around and spotted the castle building far behind her. In frustration, Loona crumpled up her coffee cup and ran off in search of Octavia. The coffee spilled onto the ground.

She reached the castle, but there was no sign of Octavia. The woman with the YouTube-like shirt posed for a selfie. Loona started sweating and nearly dropped her phone. She clicked on Octavia’s next post.

Octavia had a grumpy expression as she stared at the Starstruck Studios globe structure, reminiscent of the Universal Studios globe. A tall black guy and a white woman with green hair and a shaved head were carrying a “1 year” heart anniversary balloon.

Octavia had posted: “A globe ball in the fountain? Not the designing choice I’d recommend.”

Octavia’s fourth post showed her blank-faced selfie in front of the Holly’s Wood sign. “What is a Holly’s Wood? #bored.”

Loona growled as she reached the sign, but thought she suddenly spotted Octavia in front of her. She reached out her hand to her shoulder…and flinched back when she saw it was an olive-skinned woman, with big purple glasses, a peace sign necklace, braces, and a phone with a Canada leaf on it. She gave her an apologetic look and continued on.

Octavia’s fifth post was her looking up at a Chinese temple with a dragon design in the center. “Wow, that looks dope!”

The sixth post showed a grumpy Octavia near a hotel with an elephant statue, picnic benches and a tall white archway structure with designs that looked like angels or hieroglyphics.

The seventh post… “I’m near the castle again. #lost.”

All around town all day, Loona tried to follow Octavia. By the time night fell, Loona panted with sweat as she sat near the observatory. The building was golden colored with blue mosque-shaped domes. An old lady with a Christian necklace was busy lecturing a little kid.

Octavia’s post: “This is supposed to be an observatory, I assume. If I want to find a place to watch stars here, I don’t know.”

Loona wiped sweat off her face and strode forward. She looked around and walked by a curved set of stairs. She then spotted Octavia sniffing at the top, looking out over the polluted lit-up city. Her backpack with the grimoire was next to her. Octavia spotted a flash of teal light from the corner of her eye…Loona had reverted back to her usual hellhound form.

“Hey,” Loona said with a small wave as she walked over to Octavia.

Octavia sniffed and wiped her eyes with her arm. “Hey. How did you find me?”

“Your Sinstagram,” Loona smiled, holding up her phone. She looked up and swiped on her phone, seeing Octavia’s pictures of the observatory and city. “Nice pics by the way.”

“Oh, thanks,” Octavia sniffled.

Loona pocketed her phone. “You okay?”

Octavia shook her head. “Can’t believe I was so stupid. I spent all day looking for a place where I could see some dumb meteor shower.”

Octavia began to cry, her face in her arms. “And all I get is…” she gestured to the smoggy sky… “…this!”

“Yeah, smog’s a bitch,” Loona agreed. She got out a pack of cigarettes and pulled one out. Loona tried to ignite her lighter, but no flame appeared.

Octavia poked Loona to get her attention. Loona glanced over and saw Octavia snap her fingers. A small pink flame magically appeared on her finger. She moved the flame to the cigarette and the front end burned. Loona smoked with a deep inhale, while Octavia coughed and swatted away some smoke that got in her face.

“You know,” Loona mentioned, “Your dad’s really worried about you.” Loona joined her on the ledge.

“Right!” Octavia scoffed. “That’s why you’re here instead of him. He couldn’t be bothered to keep his promise, and now he can’t be bothered to come and get me himself. He’d rather spend his time just screaming at my mum.”

Octavia’s voice croaked, “Why does he hate her more than he loves me?”

Loona paused and took the cigarette out of her mouth. She thought about what to say to comfort Octavia. She took a breath and blew out smoke.

“Sometimes…sometimes it’s not as simple as that. This kind of shit gets messy and everybody’s got issues, especially dads. And sometimes they fuck up…well all the time. But, that doesn’t mean they don’t care.”

“If he cares, where is he?” Octavia asked.

“He’s somewhere down there,” said Loona, mentioning to the city.

“He’s here?”

“Looking for you. I mean…” Loona smoked again. “Try to cut your dad some slack.” Loona lit her lighter and this time, an orange flame appeared. “He may not always get it right, but…he’s trying.”

Loona smiled as she stared at the glow of the flame. “That’s more important than you think.”

Octavia and Loona then looked up and saw a shining full moon appear from behind the clouds in a starry sky. Loona’s words had instilled a spark of hope in Octavia’s heart.

‘Perhaps mum was wrong,’ thought Octavia. ‘Perhaps dad really does care about me.’

She looked at Loona. Despite her rough demeanor, she had compassion, deep down. The two teenage girls could sense a new bond beginning…a bond of friendship that was almost sister-like.

Loona tossed her cigarette aside, got up and stretched. She turned to Octavia and held out her hand.

“You ready to go?”

Octavia placed the grimoire in her hand. “Yeah.” The owl stood up. Loona held out her hand again, but this time Octavia embraced her in thanks.

Hugs were a rarity for Loona…and this one warmed her to her core. Her hellhound parents were long gone and the only embraces she had felt were her own when she had curled up in her prison bed. (And very rarely, she tolerated hugs from Blitzo.) Loona didn’t really have any friends…but perhaps this one would be nice for a change of pace. Being lonely got boring at times.

The teens separated and Octavia created a portal after opening a page in the grimoire. They held hands and walked through.

0 0 0

As the Starstruck Studios building continued to burn, Blitzo was typing in “Not Topic” in the search bar on his phone. He dragged Stolas with him, holding onto his arm. They ran next to a fence near a Moon Tea factory.

“Now if we can just find where…” Blitzo began.

Blitzo and Stolas gasped as a pink flame portal appeared in front of them. Loona stepped through first.

“Loona!” Blitzo cried in joy.

Octavia stepped out next, holding Loona’s hand. The portal closed behind them.

Blitzo raced toward Loona, tears in his eyes.

“Oh, Loona, my sweet baby girl! I’m so sorry! I’ll never replace you no matter what you…”

Loona covered his mouth with her hand to stop him from talking. He embraced her and Loona froze. For a split second, she appreciated Blitzo’s gesture. Then she remembered how annoying he was and gently pushed him back.

“Drop it,” she muttered with a growl.

Loona’s face softened when she spotted Octavia in the background. “You’re good,” she called.

“Dad, I’m so sorry…” Octavia began.

Stolas morphed back into his demon owl form and happily embraced his daughter, spinning her around. “I’m just relieved you’re okay!”

They separated, Stolas putting a hand on her cheek. “But what would possess you to do such a thing? You know I haven’t taught you spells like this yet.”

Octavia’s eyes looked downcast. “I just wanted to see the stars you promised.”

“The stars?” Stolas said. Then he gasped, putting a hand to his head. “Azathoth’s Tears! Oh, no. Oh, my dear sweet Via. I am so…”

Octavia cut him off with a tight hug. “I know, dad. It’s okay. You’re here now.”

Stolas returned the hug, the two owls thankful to be together. Loona, for the first time in a while, smiled a genuine smile as she witnessed the reunion. She felt happy that Octavia had a loving dad. Blitzo crept up for another hug, but Loona playfully shoved the grimoire in his face, pushing him back.

Just then, a purple flash of light boomed and spread out in the sky. Loona looked up and so did the others.

It was a beautiful purple firework. Two more fireworks shot into the sky, a large red one and a smaller blue one with yellow sparks.

“What the fuck is that?” Loona asked she filmed the fireworks with her phone.

Blitzo stood up and folded his arms. “My acting career,” he deadpanned.

A large firework changed from blue to purple in the sky. Then a teal one and a magenta one lit up the sky in a dazzling display. A red firework, a purple firework and a small green firework boomed and burst.

Stolas and Octavia watched the show happily together. It wasn’t what Octavia had originally hoped…but somehow, the fireworks still reminded Octavia of brilliant stars.

Being able to watch these kinds of stars with her dad…it was close to the wonderous experience she had dreamt of since she was little…an experience that seemed perfect just the way it was. The light of the fireworks mesmerized her eyes, heart, and soul…solidifying the bond between her and her dad.

Octavia gasped in awe and pointed up at the rainbow fireworks. “Look at that one! Did you see that one?”

“Now, where the fuck are M and M?” Blitzo asked out loud.

0 0 0

Meanwhile, back at the alley, Millie texted Blitzo a picture of a sex toy. It was a collar with a pink ball on it. Her phone icon was a black sword and his was a brown horse.

Millie: “Moxxie be into this, you think?”

Blitzo: “B1TCH where u @?”

Millie: “Near the Alley! Portal Plz :) <3”

Blitzo: “Kk I gotchu. Makin Stols do it now.”

Millie: “Thx.”

A poster for stargazing “Go for stargazing!” and “Fix it tech, send resume” were on a wall with barbed wire on top.

The portal appeared, revealing Blitzo’s office. A green fluorescent light hummed above a door. Both Moxxie and Millie were back in their demon imp forms.

Moxxie strained as he dragged a bag of art merchandise behind him. There were roses, plaques, trophies, medals, CDs, and an Oscar statue. Millie mentioned for Moxxie to keep moving before walking through the portal.

“Art is heavy!” he groaned.

Moxxie then froze as a smirking white salesman in a baseball cap, a tank top, and pink hearts against white on a dress put a hand on his shoulder and held out a CD that read “Demo Lil Shween.” Moxxie took the CD and beamed. He was about to hand a dollar bill to him, when Millie stepped back through the portal and threw a blade straight into the man’s forehead. He fell to the ground, lifeless. Millie than angrily tossed the CD aside.

“March, mister!” demanded Millie. She lifted Moxxie up effortlessly and carried him through the portal. Moxxie cried “Noooo!” as the portal closed with his merchandise left behind.

Chapter Text

Part 1

Moxxie, like Millie, was born in the Wrath Ring. He had his parents, Crimson Knolastname and Rosa Knolastname. Rosa was a beautiful, hard-working imp with a rougher side to her. She wore colorful pollera and blue and white diner-style dresses with lots of ruffles. She wore hoop earrings and had a red flower in her long black hair. She had two black straight horns and white freckles on her face like Moxxie. While she was known for her Latin American-style dancing and her delicious meat meals, no one dared mess with her. For she was skilled with wielding a variety of weapons from a young age.

She soon became a purchased wife of Crimson and Moxxie was born. Crimson, greedy from the start, soon grew tired of the dry, less than humble lifestyle in the desert lands. As the head of the family, he decided to move to the Greed Ring when his son became a young kid, and of course, Rosa and Moxxie had to follow him.

Crimson quickly used his charm and cleverness to start off as a salesman. He sold a variety of weapons, drugs, and drinks to a variety of imps. Quickly adjusting to the “survival of the richest” mentality of the Greed Ring, he moved up the ranks. After joining a smaller mafia and killing off rivals, he befriended loan shark bodyguards and incubi. He’d offer his services to other demons but found a way to raise his prices so they’d have no choice but to pay him back extra…or lose their lives in the process. Rebellious gang members conceded to Crim’s whims, and he soon became a mafia boss.

Crimson and Rosa trained Moxxie in weaponry at a young age. Moxxie’s specialties were long-range weapons, battle tactics, and planning. Crimson encouraged domination and brute strength in his son, but Rosa did her best to steer Moxxie away from murdering in cold blood. Although Rosa was involved in the mafia and enjoyed what wealth they had, there were moments where she drew the line. Rosa loved her son dearly, while Crimson saw Moxxie as more of an asset to the family. Moxxie was in good hands, provided he kept the family rich and their dealings a secret.

Little Moxxie wore a white sweater with a small pink bowtie and was trying to cut his Fiorentina steak at the dinner table with potatoes on the side. Rosa took his plate in her hand. She cut his steak with two knives and smiled warmly at her son. Moxxie smiled back as she handed the plate back to him. Moxxie enjoyed his meal. Crimson glared at his wife.

“Let the boy cut his own meat,” he muttered.

“I was just trying to help,” she replied.

Crimson moved his foot toward her feet, and she fearfully moved hers back. Crimson stomped his foot in warning. Crimson wore black pointed shoes and Rosa wore her signature white high heeled shoes with pink tips and bows.

Not long after, Moxxie fired his gun at three scarecrow-like targets with white sack heads shaped like imp faces. They had yellow grins and stripped horns. Moxxie fired into each of their chests, right on the bull’s eyes. He held his rifle proudly as Rosa stroked his head in approval. He smiled at her.

A green arm then grabbed hold of Moxxie. It was a green loan shark, one of his father’s many lackeys. He had a white tank top and a black hat.

“Mox!” he called. “Here’s something really cool you can shoot at! Come on, I’ll show you!”

He and another loan shark dragged Moxxie over to a roofed wooden section of the junkyard. The sky was a dark gloomy gray, made darker by the smog. Crimson stood flanked by his lackeys. Rosa held up a hand and called “Wait!” but no one heard her.

Moxxie got excited, ready to impress his father with his marksmanship.

Then he heard a man’s voice, struggling.

“Crim, you loaned me six thousand souls for my business. I already paid you back the nine thousand souls yesterday!”

“Due to extra tax and my service, I told you that you owed me ten thousand nine hundred and two souls!”

“You never said that before!”

“I say what I want. Business is business and you didn’t listen.”

“Let go of me!”

“This is what happens to those who don’t pay me.”

The shirtless imp was hoisted upright, his arms tied to a wooden stake, a red target painted on his chest. His eyes glowed hypnotic green and he had a fearful look on his face. The sharks and incubus moved off to the side.

Moxxie froze.

“Your first living target, Mox!” Crimson said excitedly. “A necessary skill for the family business.”

Crimson pulled Moxxie close and pointed at the victim. “Go ahead, shoot him right in the chest like you practiced.”

With shaking hands, Moxxie aimed his rifle.

Rosa then snatched it away from him.

“She shoved the rifle into Crimson. “You do it! I’m not letting my son become a killer. Let’s go, Mox.”

She took Moxxie by the hand and led him away.

Crimson growled angrily from behind.

Moxxie hid under the bed as his parents argued and fought. Crimson slapped his wife hard in the face.

“Cagna!” Crimson spat. “You really think you’re doing this family a favor by making our son into a soft sissy?”

“Don’t call him that!” Rosa barked, hiding her fear. “I may do everything you ask, but I draw the line when it comes to morality. At least wait until he’s older to make the first kill.”

“Everyone gets started young,” Crimson demanded. “I will not allow my son to taint the image of my family business. He needs to grow some fucking balls and do the necessary deeds!”

“He’s just a kid! Murdering in cold blood will scar him for life! I teach him planning and self-defense. He’ll be an honorable fighter, not some brute who feeds off of fear!”

“Which is exactly what we do!” Crimson explained. “You think I’m gonna let my son be at the mercy of our rivals or worse, allow him to leave this family? Dead wrong! Mox must be calculating, tough, and not afraid to end anyone who threats our lineage!”

“Well, I’m not gonna let you turn my son into a psychotic murderer! Or one who abuses him every day like you do! At least he shows respect for the dead! You happily kill like a maniacal monster if it means getting moolah at the end of the day!”

“Greed is our home, and here it is survival of the richest.”

“W-well, guess what? This place does not feel like home. I-in fact…I’m gonna move back to Wrath with Moxxie!”

Crimson seethed, cupping her face roughly. “If you value this family and your life…you will do no such thing.”

“Tempta id.”

With a courage she didn’t know she had, Rosa slapped him back in the face. With that, she turned on her heels and left, slamming the door. Crimson stomped after her.

All Moxxie could hear were screams and thumps from the other room.

0 0 0

The next time Moxxie tried to cut his steak, Crimson narrowed his eyes at Moxxie, holding his cigar. Moxxie whimpered and Crimson growled in warning. He blew smoke in his son’s lonely face.

“Come with me,” said Crimson after Moxxie was finished eating. “There are two victims that need disposing of.”

Crimson took Moxxie out on a wooden boat down a murky trash-filled lake. The boat had slime on it and barnacles with eyes on the side. The sky was a dark ominous gray. Inside the boat were two figured with their hands tied behind their backs. There were sacks over their faces and Crimson had drawn black smiley faces on them.

Crimson stopped the boat and lifted up a cinderblock with rope tied to it. He mentioned to Moxxie to push it into the water. Tears filled Moxxie’s eyes.

“Don’t cry, boy,” Crimson gripped Moxxie’s shoulder tightly. “Just do it.”

Moxxie’s heart broke at the sounds of their victims groaning and whimpering under their gags and sacks. Moxxie thought the pointed tail of the first victim looked familiar. Before Moxxie could take a further look, Crimson shoved him forward. The force made Moxxie push the cinderblock into the water and the first victim toppled overboard.

Moxxie gasped and stared at the dark depths. But Moxxie was soon guided by Crimson toward the second victim.

The imp whimpered and struggled in vain against his bonds. His stripped horns had been cut off. Moxxie stared at his long tail wrapped around the block in curiosity. Moxxie reached for the sack, but his father shoved him back, hitting his face on the cinderblock. He rubbed his nose as more tears fell. The victim spoke behind the gag.

“Please don’t! Please no! I have a family! Don’t do this! Please don’t…!”

Moxxie stared up at the imp for a few more moments and pushed the cinderblock. The imp toppled over into the water. Moxxie watched a few bubbles pop up and then…nothing.

Crimson lifted a rock with a rope tied to it onto the boat. He cupped Moxxie’s face roughly.

“Let this be a lesson, Moxxie. This is what happens to those who cross me.”

Moxxie saw a variety of things in the water…old cats, cigarette packs, imp horns, shoes, playing cards…

…and bobbling up to the surface was his mother’s white high heeled shoe.

Moxxie gasped. “What have I done?” he thought in despair.

Moxxie never saw the two black bloodied horns of his mother on display in his father’s bedroom.

0 0 0

Time passed and as Moxxie grew up, he soon attended his induction into the mafia. It was one of the few times that his father kissed him on the cheek and said, “I’m proud of you.”

Several shark mafia members clapped at the table, one of them having bony hands. Chaz smirked as he clapped, wearing a black jacket with bone designs on it. Chaz noticed Moxxie and winked with a grin. Moxxie’s face flushed. Chaz truly was sexy and magnetic.

Moxxie soon had his first mission: fight off a warring imp gang. The imps had been trying to steal Crimson’s resources for years. Moxxie ducked under an overturned car as gunfire blasted on the top with metallic clangs. Imps in suits and gray hats were busy shooting at each other and one lay dead. An explosion shook the ground and Moxxie flinched. He tossed his rifle to the side and took out a hand grenade. It was round with a pentagram on it. He tried to pull the string, but he fumbled with it. It bounced out of his hand and rolled out into the open. Moxxie ran after it as green explosive fire rose behind him. As Moxxie reached for the grenade, a larger hand covered his own.

Moxxie looked into Chaz’s sexy shark face and nervously scratched the side of his head. Both his cheeks were pink. Moxxie was able to pull the black string and tossed the grenade into the air. Moxxie and Chaz stared romantically at each other as the grenade exploded into a green heart of flame.

But back at the mansion…

“Moxxie, what were you doing staring at Chaz like an idiot?”

“Well, dad, I…”

“You’re not in love with him, are you?” His eyes narrowed as he sat in his armchair, green fire behind him.

“W-what if I am? Is that a bad thing?”

“You bet your ass it is,” Crimson remarked. “Especially if he’s not rich. I saw you and Chaz on the battlefield…the guy couldn’t stop talking about his looks and dick.”

“I love him, dad! Both of us will do great things for this family!”

“I don’t wanna see you getting distracted. Being gay doesn’t look good to traditional mafia associates. And besides, he’s nothing but a friendless horse-fucker! You’re better off with a rich lady imp from Greed. Leviathans and those of the sea are more…unpredictable.”

Unpredictable? Moxxie suddenly got excited thinking about Chaz.

“I’m bisexual and he’s hot and we’ll find a way to make things work!” Moxxie spoke with confidence.

“I still don’t approve of it,” said his father. “If I ever see you mess around with that piss stain again instead of doing your job…you’ll see him in a box next time.”

“Y-yes sir,” Moxxie whimpered.

Later on, there was a knock at the door. Moxxie was alone in the room. He opened it and there stood a smug Chaz. He held cardboard slabs and flipped them. He had written:

“TELL YOUR DAD IT’S A SALEMAN…”

“I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU…”

“MOKSIE WILL YOU BONE WITH ME?” He drew a heart.

Moxxie blushed and smirked again, letting him in. They had some fun sex in his bedroom. Moxxie turned on some music to make sure his father didn’t hear anything else. After the session. Moxxie wiped his rifle in the candlelight and Chaz helped him clean it beside him.

Finally, Chaz painted a shirtless Moxxie on a couch, Moxxie wearing black boots and a blue heart necklace reminiscent of the Titanic scene. Chaz snickered at his cartoon drawing of Moxxie and him labeling: “Smaller dick than mine.”

Moxxie thought he and Chaz would get married and live happily ever after…

…until the night they decided to initiate a heist. They snuck into a vault and managed to grab bags of money. It was a vault in one of Mammon’s banks. If Moxxie could show this to his dad, he’d be praised for a week. The alarms rang, the lights flashed red, and the two of them raced down the hall. There was a pink chandelier above them and shutters with Mammon’s logo on them. Moxxie gasped as the gate was about to close. Moxxie tossed the bag of money under it and the bag slid outside. Moxxie slid forward and held it open for Chaz. Chaz slid under the gate and grabbed the bag of money. Moxxie let go and accidentally caught his leg and tail under the gate.

“Chaz, help!” Moxxie called, arm outstretched.

Chaz was about to lift the gate when police sirens sounded nearby. Police cars raced toward the duo on either side. Chaz gave Moxxie an apologetic look and raced off with the money into the shadows, just before the police cars converged in front of the bank. Tears fell from Moxxie’s eyes after Chaz’s betrayal.

Before long, Moxxie was tossed into a green jail cell. The bars were worn, and parts were missing. There was nothing but two bunk beds and an old dirty toilet in the corner. Moxxie cried and curled up on the lower bunk. Moxxie wore an orange prison outfit with #6984 on it.

“So, what are you in for?” asked a voice.

Moxxie turned and saw his cellmate #6983. It was another imp, who rested on the top bunk bed with his hands behind his head. Both imps wore orange prison outfits. The other imp poked his head and looked over at Moxxie, still curled up. “Okay, not much of a talker, are we?”

The imp hopped down and shook Moxxie’s hand. “Yeah, I’m Blitz, the ‘o’ is silent! Now I’m sure we’re gonna get along just fine, so what’s your deal? What’d you do? Who’d you diddle?” He mimicked shooting a gun. Moxxie cried and held up a hand to speak, but Blitzo interrupted him. “You look like someone who’s good with a gun. You look like someone who’d shoot up an office and I hope you are, because I got a plan to get us out of this dump, but I’m gonna need some help. You think you can give me a hand? I need to get out to my daughter. The babysitter will kill me if I don’t get back soon…”

Moxxie smiled, tearfully as he watched this strange imp talk about his family. Blitzo caring for his daughter reminded Moxxie of how his mother used to care for him.

With Moxxie’s help, the imps scratched their way through the worn bars of the jail, snuck past the German shepherd guards (and fought some of them off) and raced through the streets and alleyways beyond the police eyes. They soon took refuge at Blitzo’s apartment.

“So, you wanna help me kill some people?” Blitzo asked. “We could make it into our own business.”

Moxxie shook Blitzo’s hand in agreement and smiled…he had nowhere else to go after all. For the moment, he was finally free from his father and old life.

0 0 0

Not long after Chaz dated Moxxie, he soon started hutting on Millie. Like Moxxie, Millie was awestruck by his charm, sexiness, and charisma. Every time he visited Wrath, he swooned Millie over with flowers and his display of wielding various weapons. Chaz even laughed when he lost to Millie in an arm-wrestling contest.

“Millie, my beautiful warrior…your eyes burn brighter than the suns in Hell. If Hell is hot, then it has never met the new love of my life.”

He and Millie held hands and also had several juicy sexual sessions together in Millie’s bedroom. Her parents didn’t seem to mind too much, if Millie was happy, then they were as well…provided Chaz was tough enough. Millie laughed as Chaz held her in her arms on top of an old boat, like the two main characters did on the Titanic. Millie whooped and smiled as they cheered for all of Wrath to hear.

Millie thought she and Chaz would get married and live happily ever after…

…until Chaz started hitting on Sallie May and bragged about his dick size.

Needless to say, when Millie found out the truth…

“I’ll kill you, Chazwick Thurman! When I’m finished with you, you’ll be shark bait!”

And with that, Millie chased him out of her house with a knife…and then held her head in her hands after the breakup.

0 0 0

Part 2 – Present Day

The I.M.P. headquarters office building loomed large against the hellish red sky above. Inside the office, Moxxie and Loona sat at the table on tall chairs with spikes around the jagged tops. Moxxie held a magenta mug in his hand with a small picture of his face on it and gold musical notes. Loona stared at her black cellphone in her hands. Moxxie wore his usual suit and bowtie while Loona wore her usual tattered dark gray tank top, collar, and shorts. On the white board were a variety of Blitzo’s drawings. One showed a horse head with “Breakfast” next to it, and the horse’s name “Lesbian Bottom.” Another horse head drawing with “Kaboom: Bisexual, Versatile. (One night stand with all the other horses) And another horse head: “King Slut: Bisexual, Versatile, Transphobic.” Another horse wearing sunglasses: “Blue Cheese: Gay, Top.” “Sunbeam: Lesbian, Top, Versatile.” “Slime: Bottom, Doesn’t Like Labels!” Another horse head: “Bottom: says he’s straight but he’s not, bong water is antivax. Blue Cheese’s side hoe.” In big red letters with arrows pointing to the horses, it read “All are Trans!” Also, “Lesbians in love, engaged!” “Open relationship with Blue Cheese.” In purple it read, “These are my OCs, do not steel!”

Moxxie looked around and put down his mug. He looked down nervously and clapped his hands.

Moxxie moved his head around. “You know, I checked the scale today…” He breathed deeply with a sigh and gave a smug grin and upward fist... “…and it said I lost two pounds this week.” He held up two fingers, proudly.

Loona stared blankly, rolled her eyes with a shrug, then returned to looking at her phone.

Moxxie stood up angrily. “I. Am not. FAT!”

A fuming Millie kicked open the door, knocking off a stone bust of Blitzo’s head off a pillar. She stomped again and the stone head shattered on the ground. In Millie’s hand was her cracked pink mug with hearts and her face on it. She growled, muttered, and stomped again.

She stood on her toes before tossing her pink mug onto the table. It landed in front of Loona, coffee slopping. Loona froze in stunned confusion. Millie punched a nearby pink button that read “Nut Button!” on a sticky note. A cardboard cutout of a blonde-haired man rose up from the floor wearing a blue suit, black necktie, pants and black shoes. “Hi, I’m a Hooman!” was written on tapped cardboard near his face. Red targets were visible on his forehead, chest, and groin. Millie tossed a jagged dagger into the cardboard man’s groin. She lunged herself at her target with a yell and began ripping off his cardboard head with her claws and teeth.

“Millie, honey? Everything okay?” Moxxie asked in a meek concerned voice.

In response, Millie let out a demonic growl, her forked tongue sticking out with a hiss, her eyes glowing yellow. Millie’s eyes returned to normal, and she took some breaths.

“Yeah…just…bumped into an ex.” Her tail rattled.

“Oh!” Moxxie said. “Oh...” He looked downcast.

Millie slipped off her cardboard target, holding her dagger. “He just kept going on about how he has money now, and a ‘bright future’, and a ‘bigger cock!’”

“Wait, what?” Moxxie asked.

Millie seethed. “Every time I see his stupid face, I can’t help it, I just need to…”

Millie yelled and punched square filing cabinets and they crashed to the floor. Pictures spilled out and floated everywhere.

Blitzo marched inside, holding his red cellphone, covering it with a hand. “What the fuck is all this noise?! I got a client!”

Moxxie raced over. “Sorry, sir. I’ll get this all cleaned…What is this?”

Among all the pictures of succubus in sexual positions and porn was a picture in Moxxie’s hands of two imps making out with their tongues while wearing horse suits.

Blitzo took the picture from a disgusted Moxxie. “Uh…research! For science!” He dropped it and headed back out the door. “Put them back correctly, okay? I alphabetized them.”

Blitzo talked on his cell phone in the shadows back in his office.

“Okay, so let me get this straight: you don’t want us going to Earth at all for this job?”

“Correct,” spoke a male voice on the other end. “That will not be necessary.” He had a subtle Italian accent. In a tall chair, the businessman faced the fireplace, the iron barrier decorated with designs of black sharks. The fire in the fireplace glowed a ghastly green. In one of his hands was a lit-up cigar and he twirled it. A chipped white bowl was on a nearby table.

The businessman continued. “I’d like to meet you with your whole crew at my estate.”

Blitzo pondered. “Uh, you want us killing someone in Hell, ‘cause I gotta tell ya, that ain’t exactly our business no more.”

“I’ll tell ya all about it when you’re here. It’s in regards to a business venture I’m sure will be very worth your time.” He dumped ashes from the lit cigar into the bowl. The smoke from the cigar floated in a skull-like shape.

Blitzo grinned. “Ooh, how ominous.” He chuckled. “Fine, whatever, what’s the address?”

“Transportation has already been taken care of,” the businessman finished.

A black shark-like shadow darted across the window from the outside. Blitzo peered through the blinds, then raced into the other room toward the window. He spotted a large purple helicopter hovering by the I.M.P. building. It had pointed imp horn designs underneath it and a sharp tail like a shark.

Blitzo pressed his hands against the window. “What the fuck is that?!” Millie and Moxxie stood up and joined Blitzo.

In a flash, a green arrow grappling hook shot out from the helicopter and pierced a lower window. The cracks rapidly expanded as the rope was pulled.

CRASH!

The windows and wall burst apart and shattered, leaving a giant open hole. Loona stared in disinterest as if this were an everyday occurrence.

“Satan’s ass crack!” Blitzo bellowed as the smoke cleared. “Enough with the walls shit! We have a door!”

A gust of wind blew all of Blitzo’s porn pictures out the window. Blitzo gasped and extended his hand. “My research!!”

The pictures floated down and a mother imp walked with her little son and daughter. The daughter took one of the pictures and the boy did, too. The boy looked at the picture of the horse imps making out and the girl saw two succubi giving each other anal. The girl imp wailed while the boy vomited as the mother gasped.

A ramp extended from the helicopter and a green shark appeared. He wore a purple jacket with a small bowtie and a matching pilot’s cap. He wore thick sunglasses and had a cigar in his mouth.

“I.M.P.? Right this way, please,” he called.

Moxxie held out his pistol, while Millie brandished her dagger.

“Uh sir, what’s going on?!” Moxxie asked his boss.

Blitzo waved a hand. “Now don’t worry. It’s just some fancy schmuck from Greed wanting to do business with us.”

Blitzo stepped over the window and onto the ramp. Millie and Moxxie followed. Moxxie looked down below in fright. “Uh, sir, I don’t think this is a good idea!”

“It’ll be fine,” Blitzo glared. “Now get your asses moving!” He shoved his employees into the helicopter. Millie and Moxxie sat up in their seats. Millie held a broken seatbelt in her hands, the metal curved like horns. “Is this thing safe?!” she called out.

The two green shark pilots grinned. The leader said, “Don’t worry! We are professionals!”

They crashed through the building and headed toward the elevator. A vent opened up, with “Elevator Hangar 3” written below it in white. The helicopter took off into the air. The sky was now green instead of red and clouded with smog and pollution. They were in the Greed Ring.

Down below them were the remains of the Loo-Loo Land theme park. The roller coasters and rides were broken and charred from the previous fire. The Loo-Loo apple mascot strolled by a sign that read “under construction” and yellow tape that read “do not cross.”

An inspector imp held a clipboard and wore a thick dark green jacket that covered his mouth. He wore a green wide hat and black boots. He observed as more male imps wearing green hats and tailcoats carried bags of money over their shoulders. One bag read “Mammon Logo” on it, as the other bags showed Mammon’s joker-like face on it. They marched into an old building with a brick and a pile of sludge inside. A nearby boat was overturned, jutting sideways in the dirty water. Oil drums and tires were staked in a pile nearby. Underneath a bridge, two male gang imps poured toxic waste onto the ground from an oil drum, and it spewed green flames. Another imp drank from another barrel of toxic waste. Not too far away, a mafia gang of imps grinned as their member stabbed at a tied-up corpse of one of their members, that leaned against a smashed red car. A leader stood in the middle, flanked by two imps carrying clubs. The attacking imp them shot the corpse’s face multiple times for good measure.

Near slime-covered sailboats was a sign that read, “Welcome to NOTAMAFIA TOWN! No mafia here! We’re mafia free!”

“Ugh! I hate this place!” Moxxie stared in disgust at the city buildings and sewage below. Green neon toxic sewage poured from pipes into a stream near a large factory with power plants. A small suburban neighborhood was nearby.

“Oh yeah, this is your old stomping ground isn’t it, Mox?” Blitzo asked.

“Well, like Millie, I was born in Wrath. My family and I moved to Greed when I was a kid. I grew up just over there.” He pointed off into the distance. “I’d swore I’d never come back and…”

Moxxie paused, his eyes going wide. “Uh…uh…what…what, where are we going?”

The helicopter turned around and Moxxie grew more anxious.

“What…Blitz…who did you say this meeting was with?”

“I’m not sure, just some rich somebody or other who wants to discuss biz at his place.”

The helicopter landed on a white H on the ground.

The door opened and Moxxie flinched back in a panic.

“Oh no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!”

A large mansion stood before them, dark smoke fuming through both chimneys. Bullet holes made dents in the walls and the windows glowed an eerie green. Sharp claw designs hung over the roof and around the edges of the mansion. Bits of slime covered the roof as well. Moxxie shivered in fear as Blitzo shoved him forward out of the helicopter.

“There he is!” called a voice. It was the same businessman that Blitzo had talked to earlier. He had Moxxie’s signature white side hair, red face, and pointed jagged stripped imp horns. He had white spiral-like markings around his eyes. Like Striker and Valentino, he had a sharp gold tooth. He posed in a navy-blue stripped suit with thin red vertical stripes and a red necktie. He had a black brimmed hat with a red band around it, plus a sharp zigzag pointed tail. He was flanked by a fat green shark wearing a blue and white suit and red necktie. A black-winged incubus was also wearing a navy-blue hat and suit with thin red stripes. The incubus had a cigarette in his mouth.

“There’s my boy! Get over here and give your daddy a hug!”

“Daddy?!” Blitzo and Millie exclaimed.

“I only let Moxxie call me that…unless ya pay me!” He laughed and made his way toward the trio.

“Guys,” Moxxie cleared his throat. “This is my father, Crimson. Sir, this is my boss, Blitz. And my…”

Millie held out her hand. “Millie! I’m his wife!”

“And what a beautiful wife you are,” Crimson purred as he kissed Millie’s hand. “Mox, where have you been hiding this pretty little thang?”

“Oh, I’m sure he would’ve introduced us…eventually,” Millie mentioned.

“Oh, I’m sure.” Crimson walked over to Blitzo. “You gotta be Blitz, with the silent “o” right?” They shook hands. Crimson pulled Blitzo close as they walked. “I’ve heard a lot of good things about you and your work.”

“Really?” Blitzo asked, in suspicion. “What kind of shit has Moxxie been spreading about me? I’ll fucking kill you, Moxxie, don’t you fucking test me!” He glared at Moxxie and pointed an accusing finger at him. Moxxie flinched.

“No, no! From all over,” Crimson assured. “Looks like you’re building a bit of a name for yourself here, kid.”

“Really?” Blitzo chuckled with a grin, hands on his hips. “Huh. Well, I guess it’s about time folks recognized my talent.”

Crimson laughed out loud. “I like your attitude!” He playfully punched Blitzo on the shoulder. “Well, I hope you’re all hungry. We put together a fabulous dinner for ya.” Crimson made his way back to the mansion and Blitzo followed.

“Hey, baby, why haven’t I met your pa before?” Millie asked.

Moxxie fumbled nervously with his large red bowtie. “Uh well, y’know it’s…it’s just never been a…”

“Hey! You two, move it before it gets cold,” Crimson called.

“Look, look, Millie, we can talk about it later,” said Moxxie. Millie took his hand and they followed Blitzo inside as Crimson smiled at them. Once the imps were inside, Crimson’s face turned serious. He snapped his fingers and headed inside. His lackeys followed suit and the incubus closed the door behind him.

0 0 0

Inside the mansion, Crimson slammed a glass onto the counter. He put ice cubes in it and poured in HellFire Aged Scotch. Behind him was a large glass cabinet with wine glasses, beer bottles and a fish head. One of the bottles had a skull on it. The cabinet light glowed a greedy green. The dark green wallpaper around the manor showed white designs of shark jaws and dead fish bones.

“So, Blitz, ya always been a hitman?” Crimson strolled to Blitzo, who sat in a high comfortable chair.

“No, no, not always,” Blitzo replied, taking the drink from him. “I was in the circus for a long time.”

“Show business!” Crimson exclaimed with both fingers pointing in gun-like gestures. He sat down. “Good money in that.”

They both grinned at each other, Crimson taking out his cigar from behind his suit and Blitzo sipping his drink. Moxxie and Millie sat together on an adjacent couch, looking visibly uncomfortable. They couldn’t help but notice the array of shark jaws, bloodied imp horns, spiked collars, and black wings on display like hunting trophies all around the manor rooms. The round lights overhead and the fire in the fireplace also glowed green.

Moxxie then spoke up. “What are we doing here…sir?”

“Moxxie, I raised you better than that,” Crimson remarked condescendingly, lighting his cigar. “Ya know there’s no business before dinner. Besides, we’re still waitin’ on one more.”

With a sudden kick to a nearby door, a shark barged his way into the house, making an entrance. He was tall and thin, with crosses around his nostrils, a scar near his eye and black hair in a mohawk style and a small hat. He also had a white bone above his groin, long pants, and a dark jacket. His eyes glowed teal green with hypnotic spirals as he pointed his fingers out in a pose and wiggled.

“Woo-hoo-hoo, what is up, party people?!” he called.

“Chaz?!” Moxxie and Millie cried at the same time. Then they looked at each other and pointed. “Wait, what?!”

“You know him?!” Moxxie asked, flabbergasted.

Millie groaned and slapped her forehead. “You remember that “ex” I was talking about?”

Chaz walked over and hugged Moxxie and Millie from behind the couch, much to their discomfort and surprise.

“Looks like I got two big sex reunions today!” Chaz bragged before adding in a sing-song voice, “How lucky am I?!”

“Did you date him, too?!” Millie asked Moxxie.

“Ha, yeah,” Chaz smirked. “No big deal, but I usually bone half the people in any room I’m in…”

Blitzo spat, “Are you fucking kidding me?! There’s someone who’s fucked both of you?!”

Moxxie pushed himself out of Chaz’s arms. “It was a long time ago.”

“But I still remember it like it was yesterday,” Chaz began. “You, a fledging mafioso! Me, the dashing and extremely sexy muscle! It was like…” he spoke fondly, his eyes gleaming, “…it was written in the stars!”

Blitzo scoffed, his drink clinking. “Ha! Moxxie in the mafia! That’s fucking rich!”

Blitzo then looked around. He spotted a framed picture of Crimson shaking the hand of a mob boss imp, wearing glasses, a suit, and a rose. On the mantle near white candles with emerald flames, he spotted a larger picture of Moxxie and his family. The frame was decorated with four snail shells with eyes. Crimson sat proudly in his chair as if it were a throne. Little Moxxie stood by his father, wearing light blue clothing. He held his tail in fear, looking like he was about to cry. Closer to the shadows was Moxxie’s mafia mother, Rosa. She wore white heeled shoes with pink bows on them, a Latin-American-style dress/pollera with blue ruffles and red stripes, and a white shirt. She held a small bouquet of flowers in her hands and had a red flower on her head of long dark hair. Her horns were black and straight. She wore hoop earrings and a necklace. Like Moxxie, she was originally from Wrath.

The door burst open and a thick loan shark with a blue sweater growled and dragged in a body bag with a dead mafia shark demon inside. More loan sharks stood in the room, holding their guns as Crimson grinned.

“Oh shit,” Blitzo remarked, coming to the realization.

“You’ve never told me this before,” a concerned Millie said to Moxxie.

Moxxie lowered his eyes. “I-I don’t really like to talk about this part of my life. I first saw Chaz at my induction in the family. Our eyes met from across the room. And there was just something about him…something that was…magnetic!”

After Moxxie told his story, he quoted from the Titanic, his face half in shadow, “It’s been eighty-four years.”

Blitzo narrowed his eyes. “Isn’t that from that ‘boat’ movie?”

Millie looked skeptical. “Did any of that stuff actually happen?”

“Oh yeah!” Chaz added, licking his lips. “Buddy skipped over the jizz covered parts.”

Moxxie glared at Chaz, then turned back to Millie. “Anyway. Things changed when we went on a heist together…”

After Moxxie had finished the rest of his story, he said, “Once I got out, I never looked back.”

Millie growled at Chaz again.

“At least Moxxie didn’t have to worry about Chaz being rough in the sack and him roaming his eyes upon other nearby lady imps,” Millie muttered in anger. “Not to mention hittin’ on my sister…”

Chaz glanced with a nervous laugh, pulling at his jacket collar. “Well, heh, like you said, it was a long time ago.”

Millie bared her sharp yellow fangs, flames in her eyes. She spoke in a demonic voice, foaming at the mouth, “I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!”

She brandished her dagger and swiped at Chaz. “Whoa, the fuck?! Crazy bitch!” Chaz cowered behind Crimson’s armchair.

Millie took the dagger out of the couch and lunged toward him.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Moxxie and Blitzo held her back. “Hold on a second!” Crimson had his hands up.

“You’re gonna die, bitch!” Millie spat at Chaz, pointing her weapon.

Everyone then froze as an imp with black hair dressed in a maid uniform announced in a low Italian voice, “Dinner is served.”

0 0 0

Dinner consisted of the finest mortadella sausage meat, (Rosa’s old recipe), focaccia bread on the side, green peas, and potatoes. Roses were in a vase at the center of the rectangular table. Moxxie held his fork and stared sadly at his meal. Blitzo glanced around, while Millie shot Chaz a murderous look as she cut her meat. Crimson downed a shot of sambuca, not paying attention to the awkwardness. Purple and yellow seaweed stood off to the side of the room. They all sat in red fan-like chairs.

Blitzo bluntly remarked, “So, this is aggressively uncomfortable.”

“I suppose you wanna know why you’re here,” Crimson began.

Blitzo raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, so what gives? I mean, you know we kill people on Earth, right? We don’t normally do contracts for locals so, if you wanna do business with us, you gotta…”

Crimson held up a hand. “I don’t wanna do business with I.M.P.” He pointed with his fork. “I wanna do business with Moxxie.”

Moxxie nearly jumped out of his seat. “Me?!”

“Yeah, kid! I summoned I.M.P. to be sure you’d show.” Crimson briefly held up his knife and then took his glass of wine in one hand. “Because…well…we’re bringin’ Chaz into the family.” Chaz grinned smugly.

“What?” Moxxie asked. “Since when can just anyone join the family?”

Crimson drank his wine with a scowl. “Come on, Mox. You had responsibilities here that I had to pick up once you left! Now Chaz is going to lighten the load.”

Moxxie clenched his fists in anger as Blitzo ate. “Wait, I thought you always hated his guts.”

“Well, I don’t know if I exactly ‘hated’ him…”

“You called him a ‘friendless horse-fucker’ and said we lived a ‘shitty’ lifestyle when we dated.”

“Yeah, well I was wrong,” Crimson shrugged half-heartedly. “You’ve been gone a long time, Mox. A man can change. And so has Chaz.”

“Yeah,” Chaz added. “I’ve grown. Matured. And recently came into millions!” He held up his fork proudly. He shrugged. “But ya know, mostly the mature thing.”

Chaz burped after finishing his meal. Crimson gave him a look, and he lowered his eyes in apology.

Blitzo rolled his eyes and held his hands forward. “Ohh, okay, okay, so the ‘friendless horse-fucker’ over here gets a little moolah and suddenly it’s worth wasting our time over?”

Chaz leaned back. “Well, I’m the whole ‘package’, if you know what I mean!” He pointed at his crotch with both fingers. He did a song-song voice, “I’ve got a big dick!” as the imps glared at him. All the plates were now empty.

“But what does any of this hafta to do with Moxxie?” Millie inquired.

Crimson put down his utensils and wiped his face after finishing his meal. “There’s gonna be a ceremony tomorrow.” He held up his glass of wine. “Moxxie here is going to officially release his holdings in the organization. Then you can get back to ignoring your family to your heart’s content.” He took another sip.

Millie scowled and stood up. “Maybe he wouldn’t ‘ignore his family’ if they didn’t force him to rub elbows with a no-good shark-tooth fuck face!” She pointed her dagger at Chaz’s neck and he flinched.

“’Ey, look, everybody, relax,” Crimson said. “I know tensions have been high tonight. Say, why don’t you stay here and get some rest? We’ll have the ceremony tomorrow and then you will be free to leave. I have your rooms all prepared.”

“Yes, sir,” Moxxie muttered.

“Mox?” Millie asked.

“And Mox, I even went through the trouble of making the house more to…your kind of liking,” added Crimson.

Crimson pressed a button under a slot in his armchair. A horde of rainbow dildos popped up from behind the walls as the trophies on the walls flipped over. Four purple ones were above Moxxie’s disgusted face. More purple dildos popped up on the chairs and orange ones came from behind the flowers. One big red one appeared in the fireplace. Another orange one popped from behind the seaweed plant. A yellow hanging ball opened up, releasing penis-shaped rainbow confetti, a trumpet “ta-da” sound and a banner that read “CONGRADULATIONS, GAY!” in rainbow letters. Even the chandelier candles were phallic.

Moxxie was furious. Millie made a disgusted face at the bouncing dildos on the chairs.

“Wait…what…what do you think I’m into?!” Moxxie exclaimed.

Crimson shrugged. “What? This is the kind of shit gays like, right?”

Millie growled again with a look of disgust, muttering curse words.

“Okay, first off, dad, I’m bisexual,” said Moxxie.

“Yeah, gay. A frocio!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, I’m not a faggot!” Moxxie pushed a purple dildo away. “Secondly, I don’t know a single person of any sexuality who would enjoy this!”

Blitzo and Chaz laughed out loud and cheered.

“Ah, there’s dicks in the walls! Oh, that’s fucking hilarious!” Blitzo exclaimed.

“My kind of decorations!” Chaz added with a snicker.

“See, they like it,” Crimson shrugged.

Chaz downed his glass of wine. Moxxie, Chaz, Millie, and Blitzo stood up. A tall green serpent-like shark with red hypnotic eyes moved toward the door, showing the imps to their rooms upstairs.

“A moment, Moxxie!” Crimson barked. Moxxie froze in fear on the spot.

“Just give me a minute, Millie,” said Moxxie, as he inched back into the dining room. “I’ll be there.”

Chaz reached out to grab Millie, but she snapped her teeth at him. Millie looked at Moxxie in concern before the loan shark closed the door.

A tense silence filled the room, Crimson sitting with his hands folded.

“So, you think you’re too good for this family now?”

“What?” Moxxie asked.

Crimson beckoned Moxxie with a finger. “C’mere.”

Moxxie walked nervously forward around the table.

“I-I don’t understand…”

Crimson slapped Moxxie hard in the face and the imp fell to the floor.

“You think you’re just gonna get to walk away from this family and never come back?!”

Moxxie sat up, holding his scratched cheek.

Crimson pointed at him with an accusing finger. “You’re dead wrong, Mox! As a matter of fact…”

He yanked Moxxie up by his collar. “…the only thing you’re right about is that obnoxious piss-stain can’t get made! Not unless he marries in!”

“’Marries?’ But, but who would he…?”

“Who do you think?! This family needs that money and it’s about time your pathetic ass was useful for something!”

“Sir,” Moxxie began. “I’m already married. I-I can’t…”

“Poco Stronzo! You think I give a shit about your stupid ragazza? C’mon, Mox!”

“Look at me, cagna,” Crimson sneered, grabbing Moxxie’s face. “One way or another, you’re gonna to do what I fucking say. Don’t cross me. Now get to bed Moxxie. You have a big day tomorrow.”

“Yes, sir,” Moxxie whimpered.

“Oh, and Mox,” Crimson added, eyes narrowed in malice. Moxxie fearfully backed up toward the double doors. “If you ever talk back to me again, you and that pretty little thang ya brought here will be going home in boxes. Cofanetti. Capeesh?”

“Yes, sir,” Moxxie whimpered again, before reaching for the doorknob and rushing up the stairs.

0 0 0

Moxxie made it to the top of the stairs, holding the railing that looked like fishing spears. A tall green shark demon leered down at him and mentioned to the door.

“Wait!” Millie called from the far end. “How come we aren’t…”

“Crimson wants you all to stay in separate rooms,” said the shark.

“Why?” Millie asked in disbelief. “Moxxie?”

She took his hands.

“It’s just one night, Millie,” Moxxie said, somberly. “It’s okay.” Moxxie smiled half-heartedly.

“Mox?” Millie asked, concerned. “Are you okay?”

Moxxie let go. “I’m fine. Please, don’t worry, sweetie.” They clasped hands again.

“You know you can tell me anything,” said Millie. “Right?”

Moxxie glanced around, eyeing the shark.

“Right, yes, everything’s fine.”

Millie put her hand on the side of Moxxie’s head. “We’re partners, Mox.” Moxxie lowered her hand. “It’s just my dad. It’s okay, really.”

Moxxie kissed Millie’s hand. “It’ll be over tomorrow.”

“Okay. I love you.” They kissed.

“I love you too,” Moxxie finished, as they separated.

“Good night,” Moxxie said sadly, as he lowered his hand. Moxxie went into the room and turned on the light.

“What the?!” he bellowed in anger. “Fucking why?!” He put his hand over his face.

The bedroom walls were covered with portraits of Chaz in sexual positions and poses. In several, he was grinning and shirtless, one of them, he had his tongue out and was smoking in another. In the bathroom, a shirtless portrait of Chaz stared at Moxxie and read “Nice cock!”

Moxxie washed his face, glumly, then went back into the bedroom. He pressed a switch and Chaz rose up from a hole in the floor.

“Like what I’ve done with the place?” Chaz mused. He lounged on a heart-shaped bed with a pink cover and two headboards shaped like purple hearts with gold trim. There were round pillows on the bed and pink heart pillows. Several cans had “lube” labeled on them in white.

Moxxie turned around. “Uh…just get out of here!”

“Come on, Mox!”

Chaz turned on a switch shaped like a pink butt plug. “CUM ZONE” lit up in neon white letters in the center. A pink neon arrow with hearts and “FUCK HIM!” glowed pink on one wall and “OH YEAH! HAVE SEX WITH ME!” glowed on the other side.

“We used to have so much fun here! Remember?” Chaz pulled an angry Moxxie close. Moxxie shoved him away.

“I’m married, Chaz! And even if I weren’t, I would never…”

“Never what?” Chaz asked. “Take you to Cum Town again?” He poked his finger through a hole in his hand for emphasis.

Moxxie crossed his arms in an X shape and seethed in disgust. “You are so gross! Just leave me alone!”

Chaz just grinned. He poked Moxxie in the face, reached down toward his groin and spun him in a dance. “I know what you want most, Moxxie, Poxxie.” He pointed two fingers playfully. “How about a sexually charged…”

He spoke in a high sing-song voice, “…musical number! Hey! You always love those.”

Chaz pressed a pink button labeled “Sextremely HAWT Sex Music” in white. A disco ball appeared and lit up. The room turned pink, violet, and blue as electronic jazz music played. Chaz’s voice autotuned as he sang into the microphone.

“Ow!

Woah-oh, hoo, woah-oh, yeah-yeah!

It’s Chaz time!

Moxxie, I see you lookin’ at me, lookin’ at you

Wondering when I’m gonna crack you open like a walnut

And the answer is soon (walnut)”

Chaz blew smoke from his vape into Moxxie’ face. He grabbed Moxxie and pulled him into a dance. He poked his head and stroked his face with a finger.

“Now I’m feelin’ what you’re feelin’ and I’m feelin’ that you wanna feel my feelings

And fee-the feel-you feel me? (sax-o-phone)

Yeah, so let me get a little something off my chest, while I blow a hot emotional load

Onto yours”

Chaz tossed his hat into Moxxie’s face.

“Moxxie, feeling foxy

Wanna get a good taste of your boxxy

Well I got two tickets to pleasure land (oh baby)

I’m now here to have your wayhey, yeah, with my sexual bod-ay-ay

With my sensual body yeah-yeah-yeah, (so naughty)

So long, yeah!”

Chaz touched and tickle Moxxie’s butt and pulled him uncomfortably close. He posed shirtless on the bed, moving his hand up his body.

“BIG DICKS” glowed from behind him, hearts on the i’s.

Chaz then threw his trousers into Moxxie’s face. Moxxie then growled and shoved him out the door. Chaz then stood outside the door, shirtless and confused in black boxers with a white anchor on them.

Moxxie slid onto the floor and sobbed, head in his hands.

Millie paced back and forth in her room. She heard a knock on the door.

“Moxxie?” she perked up and ran to the door to open it. To her dismay, Chaz posed with a sharp-toothed grin.

“What do you want?!” she barked.

Chaz swayed into her room and began to sing “Whoa, whoa…”, but Millie held her jagged dagger to his throat.

“Damn it, this usually works,” Chaz breathed in surprise. He fell and Millie slammed the door.

Chaz stood up and wiggled both eyebrows playfully as he came across the third door. It opened.

“Hey there, good looking,” Chaz mused flirtatiously.

Blitzo grinned, too. Now was the chance for him to find out what Chaz was up to!

“Oh, I was wondering how long it would take for you to make a pass,” mused Blitzo.

“Does that mean you’re…down to clown?”

“Yeah, what, you’d think I would violate my friend’s trust by sleeping with their ex, especially one who fucked them over the way you did?”

“I’ll show you all of the things they liked in the sack,” Chaz sang.

“Deal!” said Blitzo and pulled a grinning Chaz into the room.

Blitzo and Chaz soon had rough sex in the other room.

“Ew! The fuck! Ew!” Blitzo cried.

Moxxie tossed and turned in bed, annoyed by the noise and grunts. He briefly put a pillow over his head and then scrolled through his cell phone. His phone read “I don’t cry” on the back. He checked his hell Facebook account. His profile came up labeled “Moxxie Knolastname” and a red and black pistol as his banner. His profile read: “Assassin at I.M.P. Lives in Imp City, Pride. From Greed. Married to Millie Knolastname.” Another tab read “Afterlife events.”

Moxxie’s Facebook friends were Blitzo, Millie, Randall, Oliver, and Steve. “Told Randall to break a leg, then he did! LOL! Guess who’s starring tonight instead?”

Moxxie then browsed through the many pictures of him and Millie. Blitzo got close to the camera in one picture, much to Moxxie’s annoyance. Millie posed with a downward sword in another. A couple pictures showed Millie posing. Tears welled in Moxxie’s eyes, and he wiped them away. He looked at a picture of both of them smiling at a restaurant together, holding hands. Moxxie had a dark collar shirt and Millie wore a black dress that revealed her shoulder with a heart tattoo on it. She had a pink flower in her thick black hair. He swiped right and another picture showed Millie smiling at Moxxie in bed next to him, Moxxie covering his eyes with a smile. Next, Moxxie and Millie were smiling together, holding mugs with the Phantom of the Opera mask icons on them. The last one showed Moxxie and Millie kissing each other at their wedding. They were on a sunny balcony. Moxxie wore a white suit with a bowtie and Millie wore a dress with a black top and lavender-colored ruffles down toward the bottom. She had flowers in her long neat hair and a bouquet of colorful flowers of pink, red, purple and white in her hand.

Moxxie sighed and buried his face into his pillow. He could get the wedding with Chaz over with and not face the wrath of his father. After all, Moxxie once wanted to marry Chaz. But the cost of losing Millie was too great…and things were different.

Millie…his beautiful, loving wife, cared for him wholeheartedly. She didn’t care that he wasn’t seen as “macho enough” to her family…she wholeheartedly embraced his personality and love of theater. In her smile and her face, he was reminded of his mother. Rosa had radiated feminine love and at the same time, formidable strength and power, just like Millie.

Moxxie took several deep breaths.

His father had taken his mother from him. He was not going to let the same thing happen to his remaining family. Moxxie then realized deep inside himself, underneath all his fears…he’d rather face death than lose the one he loved.

“Guess I’ll have to do this alone,” he thought. His yellow eyes glowed with a newfound determination.

0 0 0

Meanwhile in the other bedroom, a nude Chaz and Blitzo were passed out on the bed after a wild sexual session. Condom wrappers and their clothes littered the floor. Chaz muttered, “Oh, I got a big dick,” in his sleep. Chaz rolled over and pilled the black jacket toward him, exposing Blitzo to the stale air. But Blitzo wasn’t asleep. Quietly, he lifted himself out of bed. He put on his brown horse boxers. He picked up Chaz’s jacket and draped it over himself, his cloven hooves tapping the floor. He fiddled with the pockets, finding nothing.

“Okay, fucker, nobody who’s that bad in bed can score two hotties that easily. I know you gotta be hiding something.”

Blitzo glanced at Chaz’s long sharp tail that moved. He saw the bone that was on Chaz’s pants. He lifted up the bone and a label with Mammon’s joker-like label read “Mammon Suit Rental.” He pulled out a pair of car keys, clicked it with a smirk, and snuck out of the bedroom. Blitzo’s silhouette walked down the path outside the manor.

Blitzo looked around and came to a parking lot. He saw three cars, a black one, a tan one, and a magenta convertible with pink flames decorated on it and sharp arrow headlights. He pressed the button and four red lights flashed from the middle car and a chirp sounded. “HGECOK (Huge cock) was on the license plate. Blitzo unlocked the car and peered inside. There was a black shark hanging from the front mirror and an octopus-like figure wearing a dress on the dashboard. He lifted the center compartment between the seats, only to find a bunch of junk. He opened the glove compartment and found more junk.

In his hands were several pieces of paper. One letter to Chaz read: “EVICTION NOTICE: Listen you asshole, have the fucking house by the 6th of this month, or we will kill you. We do NOT care about you and your huge cock. Fuck you.” There were several bills.

Blitzo popped open the trunk to see more junk and trash inside. He saw a tire, tickets, bags, empty beer bottles, and a bowl. He reached into a white sack and tossed aside a candy wrapper and a bottle of “wet lube.” At last, he found a crinkled stained piece of paper that had a list in black font and a dick drawing on it.

“CHAZ’S MASTUR PLAN: 1. Rent Suit. 2. Convince Crim I’m rich. 3. Marry Moxxie to get into family. 4??? 5. Profit! $$$

Blitzo seethed. “Oh, fuck that! No one fucks with M&M’s marriage but me!”

A green syringe suddenly struck Blitzo’s neck. The imp cried out as black blood spurted out. Blitzo groaned and collapsed forward into the trunk. Chaz snickered as he closed the trunk door. He grinned, eyes glowing teal, “Sorry babe, you’re not the only junk in my trunk!” Then he sighed, “Damn it, that was not a good one!”

Cars pulled up to the front of the manor outside. Crimson grinned as he poured drops of black poisonous liquid into a mug. The drops blended with the brown hot liquid and the mug had a dead fish design on it. A shark mafia member poured death black coffee for Crimson. Crimson grinned until Chaz got close to Moxxie’s spiked mug. Annoyed, he shooed Chaz away with a hand and pointed at an adjacent seat. Chaz shrugged and began to angrily speak, but a tired Moxxie entered and he sulked off.

“Hey, hey, the man of the hour!” Crimson declared. “You ready to get started?”

“Wait, where’s Blitz?” Moxxie asked. “And where’s Millie?”

Chaz put a finger to his chin in thought, his eyes shifting. “I think I saw him head outside. He said something about ‘needing some fresh air’ or something.”

“Why don’t you grab him so we can get moving?” Crimson asked with a grin.

Moxxie took a deep breath and walked toward his father.

“What you looking so glum for, kid?” Crimson asked. “It’s your wedding day! Best day of your life!”

Moxxie paused and looked at Chaz who gave him a sharp-toothed smirk.

Moxxie’s brows furrowed, and he closed his eyes. “I’m not doing it.”

“What was that?” Crimson asked. “I couldn’t make it out over the sound of you being a whiny cagna!”

Moxxie slammed his hands on the table and stood up. “I said, I’m not doing it, sir. I’ve spent my whole life being afraid of you, but I’m not giving up the only good thing I’ve ever had just so you can keep your fragile little sense of control over everything. Millie is a good woman, a better woman than I deserve, and there’s nothing that scares me more than hurting her. Not even you.”

Crimson locked eyes with the red-eyed shark and nodded. The mafia shark crept behind Moxxie.

“I’m leaving, dad. And if you or Herpes the Clown here…”

“Hey!” Chaz growled.

“…try to stop me, you’ll learn firsthand just how good I’ve gotten at my job!” Moxxie got into his father’s face as he spoke.

Rough shark hands pulled Moxxie’s head away, holding him down. Moxxie screamed as the other hand shocked Moxxie with a taser. Moxxie banged his head on the table and crumpled to the ground.

“Now take care of the others,” Crimson ordered his men.

0 0 0

The wedding was taking place in the mansion courtyard. The rows of seats were covered with teal cloth and a pink aisle was littered with small flowers. White-teal round string lights decorated the walls. An archway over the podium displayed pink flowers. Only a few people were in the audience, three tough muscular mafia sharks, one of them smoking a cigar.

“Is everybody here?” asked the tan-green hammerhead shark priest. He wore black robes with red trim. A red upside down cross was on his tall hat. His eyes glowed yellow and he held a book with an upside-down red cross on the cover.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah!” Crimson declared with a sinister grin. “Don’t worry about it, let’s get this thing rolling, eh?”

A towering Chaz stood nearby in a dark suit with a red bowtie and the white bone on his pants. Crimson’s tall shark mafia stood guard behind him. Crimson held a struggling Moxxie who had his hands tied behind his back. Moxxie was wearing a white wedding dress and over his mouth was a gray gag with a red smile of fangs drawn on it.

“Aww,” Chaz complained. “You told me all the chairs would be filled!”

Crimson sighed in annoyance and pulled out a remote. He pushed a button and bouncing purple dildos popped out onto all the seats. Smiley faces were drawn on them. A big mafia shark and a thin shark jumped in surprise in their seats. Then the big shark nodded fast after the other shark gave him a “You down to fuck, later?” look.

“Satisfied?” Crimson asked.

“Fuck yes!” replied a pleased Chaz.

The priest spoke. “Will you, Chazwick Thurman, take Moxxie Kno…last…name to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“Oh yeah,” Chaz mused.

“And do you, Moxxie…whatever, take Chazwick Thurman to be your lawfully wedded…uh…”

Moxxie struggled to free himself from his father’s grip, but Crimson pulled him back. Crimson forcefully moved Moxxie’s head in nodding motions. “Look at that! He’s just so fucking happy to be here!”

0 0 0

Millie paced back and forth in the parking lot, looking for Moxxie. Millie was about to leave when she saw the Chaz’s car trunk shake. She pulled out her dagger and dug into the cracks to get it open. Blitzo lay on his back, arm on his head.

“Oh, Millie, you found me,” he slurred. “Who’s your friend?”

“Friend?”

Millie’s instincts activated as she sensed two shark goons grinning, about to attack her from behind. In a flash, she sliced open the chest of one of the thinner sharks to her left and ducked under the thick shark’s arms, trying to grab her. Millie leaped over the big shark, landed behind him, and with a yell, crushed his head with the trunk door. Black demon blood spilled everywhere. The shark’s head was in Blitzo’s hands. Millie helped Blitzo out of the trunk and he shook the blood off.

“What is going on?!” asked Millie.

“That seductive dick-hole is trying to marry Moxxie and he’s not even rich!” Blitzo responded.

“Moxxie!” Millie called in a panic.

Millie pulled Blitzo forward in urgency. Millie raced down the path to the front of the house, but to her dismay, a metal shutter closed over the door. More metal shutters closed over the windows and over the gate to the courtyard.

“Everything’s locked down!” Millie cried. “How are we gonna get in?!”

Blitzo pulled out a spare key from his pocket and came up with a plan. He pulled Millie into Chaz’s car and turned the key into the ignition hole. The RPM dial moved up. Blitzo pressed a button for the radio station and various stations popped up as he switched them around.

“MAMMON CHANNEL ™” played the Loo-Loo Land theme song.

Blitzo switched to “Station 69.” Then to “Lusty Tunes.” Then to “Station 66.6.” Then to “Station 80.085 (Boobs)”. Finally, he found the perfect one: “WRATH’S #1 F*CK YOU UP HITS.”

Blitzo clicked his seatbelt and moved the stick to reverse.

“Buckle up, Millie,” Blitzo grinned. “We’re doing a Shrek!”

They backed the car up at a high speed…and crashed through the garden wall. Smoke fumed from the car and the headlights looked like angry white eyes.

Doing a Shrek quote, Blitzo stumbled out and shouted, “I object!” before collapsing.

Millie leaped from the damaged car and landed on her feet in a fighting stance, one palm on the ground. Her eyes glowed a menacing yellow.

“You want my husband…you’re going to have to fucking kill me!”

Crimson rolled his eyes, snapped his fingers, and pointed at Millie. At least a dozen of Crimson’s men readied themselves to attack.

A rock song called “Crashin’ A Motherfuckin’ Wedding” blared from the Wrath radio station. Millie screamed the song out loud to Chaz as she attacked the mafia sharks, sending a clear message to him.

(Ooh, oh-ooh, oh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, oh-ooh)

“Oh I ain’t a stranger to your thorns

Think I’m a damsel, now you get the horns

Lay low, my dear, I’ll get you outta here

I ain’t a damsel, I’ll make that clear (She’ll make that clear)

(Ooh) Just try to stop the reckoning that’s comin’

(Oh-ooh) Lay down your head boy, can’t you hear those beats a drummin’

(Oh-ooh) Be it as it may, by death do us part

(Oh-ooh) Think fast cause momma’s gonna tear out your heart

(Momma’s gonna tear out your heart) (Oh,oh-yeah-yeah)

(Momma’s gonna tear out your heart) (Oh)

(Soon you’ll have no heart) (Oh-ooh)

(Ooh) Giddy up, little bitch boy, you’re dead

(Oh-ooh) Giddy up, little bitch boy, you’re dead

(Oh-ooh) You tried to take him like you didn’t know

(Oh-ooh) He was mine, and taken, now reap what you sow

(Giddy up) (Giddy up) (Giddy up) (Ooh)

(Reap what you sow) (Reap what you sow) (Oh-ooh)

(Oh-ooh) You tried to take him, like you didn’t know

(Oh-ooh) He was mine, and taken, now reap what you sow”

Millie pounced in the air, claws out. She landed on a shark’s face and tore off the skin from the shark’s upper mouth and face. She then ripped open the jaws and turned to face another goon. The shark man gasped as Millie climbed toward his head and tore out his shark skull with one hand. With the shark spine, she attacked another thin green shark, wrapping it around his neck and choking him before diving her dagger into his face.

Millie jumped onto a chair, dodging a bullet. She spun through the air and sliced the shooter shark clean in half with her knife. Another shark leaped at her, but she spun him around and slammed him onto the ground. She tore out his teeth and broke apart the jaws to use as weapons. She used the jaws to crunch on the arm of another long-haired shark demon wearing a suit. She maneuvered the shark’s gun to fire at another shark mafia member, then proceeded to shoot the longhaired demon in the face. An eye hung out. Everyone looked on in horror as Millie chewed on the shark demon’s blue heart like a ravenous feline and spat it out.

More mafia sharks cackled at her, surrounding her, but Millie stood ready with her weapon. She spotted their reflections in her blade. She spun around and stabbed at the smaller demons. The larger shark grabbed her arm as Millie tossed another shark aside. She spun around and ripped off her captor’s arm and face. Another demon got stabbed in the face as well.

“She’s a dame! She’s a broad!” Crimson yelled to his men. “Get her!”

One demon hung from the archway by his entrails. Crimson tore the demon down and released the intestine noose. He shoved the shark demon forward…only for the demon to get cut into sushi by Millie. Another lackey fell on top of Crimson.

Meanwhile, Millie had forced a dildo in another shark’s mouth and gored his eyes out. A shark grabbed hold of her throat and the struggled, until Millie shoved a dildo into his face then right into his butt. A stab to the neck finished him off. Millie narrowly avoided another bullet fired by a shark behind her. She grabbed a dildo, walking on top of the chairs and swatted the bullets away as she twirled it. She batted the bullet back to him and it blew up in his face. She fought with a mafia imp demon, knocking his knife away and slapping his face with her tail. She used the dildo to trip him from under his feet… and he got skewered from the dildo poles.

WHAM!

A big shark hit Millie with a chair and sent her backwards into a car.

Blitzo covered for her, holding a crowbar. “Fuck boy again!”

As Blitzo was fighting the incubus, Millie shoved a red canister of gasoline into the incubus’ mouth. As a fat shark approached, Millie spun Blitzo around and he skewered the shark with his horns, sending black blood everywhere. After drop-kicking the fat shark, she aimed a pistol at the incubus and fired. He instantly exploded.

The priest closed his book and left with two pointed fingers, “Fuck this, I’m outta here.”

Millie stood over the thick muscular shark, shoved a mafia shark into his mouth, then crushed them both with her elbow. As the thick shark got up, she wrapped a string of lights around his neck. She hopped into the car and stepped on the gas. The car zoomed forward, carrying the choking screaming shark behind it. Blitzo smiled with a double thumbs up. The lights exploded and the car created flames across the courtyard. The chairs were smashed to pieces as Millie drove through them. Her teeth were bared in a menacing sneer as she drove forward at full speed toward Crimson, Moxxie, and Chaz.

Millie slammed on the brakes and got out of the car as smoke filled the air. Millie punched another shark rushing at her. She cracked her pointed tail like a whop and stared directly at Crimson.

Crimson backed up as Millie tore off the gag and freed Moxxie’s hands. Millie and Moxxie danced together, and Millie used a pistol to fire at more sharks in the distance.

“Reminds me of our engagement,” Millie said to Moxxie, as she enjoyed the slaughtering fun.

Moxxie’s eyes sparkled as he stared at his heroine wife. “Indeed. Can I please marry you again?”

Millie grinned with a wink and kissed him on the cheek. “Don’t mind if…I do.”

Millie turned to Crimson. “This ass is mine!” Millie slapped Moxxie’s butt and carried him away over her shoulder. Moxxie’s face flushed and he grinned in pleasure and relief.

Chaz outstretched his arm in panic. “Hey what about my…”

Millie silenced him with a dildo in his mouth.

Blitzo grinned and called out to Crimson, “By the way, y’all should probably know that Chaz isn’t even rich! Okay, check his car! He just played you like a fucking rube!”

Crimson’s eyebrow twitched as he folded his arms.

“Later losers!” Blitzo hollered as he tossed the car keys to the ground and was lifted up by Millie. They dashed behind a wall and got into the helicopter. The banner from the helicopter had “Just Married” crossed out in red and instead read “We’re Married Bitch!”

Chaz struggled and eventually got the dildo removed from his throat, drool from his mouth. Crimson slowly turned his head to Chaz, in an ominous fashion. Chaz laughed nervously with a shrug, his eyes full of fear.

The I.M.P. crew soon made it back to their office. Loona glared at them and shrugged as if to say, “Where the hell have you been?!” Moxxie was wearing his white wedding dress, Millie’s clothes were stained with black blood and Blitzo posed in Chaz’s jacket. They hopped out of the helicopter through the hole and the flying vehicle crashed with an explosion below. Moxxie and Mille gave each other a tearful hug.

“Millie, thank you for saving me,” said Moxxie. “You’re amazing.”

They let go. Millie said, “Next time, just tell me if your dad is a psychopath. I can handle it.”

Blitzo pulled them together in a hug. “Well, I’m glad everything ended up okay. Good to know we both have daddy issues.” He ruffled Moxxie’s white hair.

“And uh…our moms…” Moxxie began. “Let’s just say Millie is incredibly lucky. Her mom is still alive.”

Millie’s eyes looked down in guilt. “Mox, I’m sure your mom would be very proud of you. For standin’ up to your pa like that.”

“I guess so,” he said. “Millie…you remind me of her…her name was Rosa.” He turned to Blitzo. “Who were your parents, Blitz?”

“Cash Buckzo, my asshole father. Tilla was my mother. Taught me everything in the circus. But ya know, let's talk sentimental later. I’m just pleased that I got to plow the ex-boyfriend of both of you! Isn’t that great!” He hugged them tighter. “Now we are all connected, now we all fucked the same guy!” Millie rolled her eyes while Moxxie looked annoyed. Loona still didn’t care.

Back at the manor, Crimson hoisted up Chaz’s shark jaws onto the wall, “Chaz Thurman” was displayed on a plaque below the trophy. His shadow revealed a menacing horned monster.

Beaten by a wild imp and his own traitorous son. Dozens of his men killed. Chaz, the sleazy conman, now dead by his hand. It wouldn’t be long before his business would fail. And a failed business would lead to a failed existence.

Since his son had almost destroyed his legacy, there was no use for him anymore. He was only a wimpy burden that had to…

Crimson remembered dumping the bodies of his men into the lake…

…sleep with the fishes.

With a vengeful growl, Crimson tossed a knife toward a portrait. The knife tore into the forehead of a fearful baby Moxxie…

Chapter Text

“No, Not The Vet!”

Blitzo was driving in the gray I.M.P. van along the freeway, wearing his usual work outfit. He sat on a red worn seat. Loona wore her usual black tank top and pants with a white crescent moon on them. In contrast to her usual grumpy demeanor, Loona sat still next to Blitzo, her red eyes wide and her arms folded across her chest.

“There is no reason to be sacred, Loonie,” Blitzo said. “I know we’re on our way for your very important…”

He spoke in a whisper, “Hellbies S.H.O.T…”

Loona’s eyes stayed wide as she stared at him.

“…but I promise it’ll be quick and easy. It takes years to book an appointment at this place, it took five to get this one. And you’ve been doing a lot of field work, so you need it.”

Loona stayed frozen.

Blitzo briefly looked at the empty seats behind him. “Seems so empty without Moxxie and Millie here,” he thought.

In contrast to the usual red sky, the sky above was pink. Blitzo had driven through a nearby portal and was now in the Sloth Ring. A skyscraper city stood in the background with some of the building tops decorated with golden horns. Other buildings were on rocks that hovered in the sky. Many of Sloth’s denizens were goat-like beings with candles on top of their heads. Some of them were lazy sloths with many eyes on their faces and fur. Advertisements displayed mattresses, sleeping pills and “Happy-PillZ”, hospitals, and vacation spots. Another billboard showed a black goat demon with a large red candle on his head sleeping on a mattress. “Baphomet’s Master Beds! For All Bedroom Needs! 66% Off!” Another sign read “Lord Belphegor wants you…to do it tomorrow!”

Blitzo pulled up to large pink and white hospital building called “St. An’s” (Satan’s). There were a few disabled parking spaces, with horns on the white figure’s head on the ground. Waterfalls streamed down to the ground near the hospital. Labels on the building read “Financial Processing,” “Surgical Wing,” and “Pediatric Wing” while the sign in front read “Emergency.” Clouds and closed eyelid designs decorated the building. Venus fly trap plants were on display outside. The buildings on the floating rock islands had candle-like appearances. There were some trees on the rock islands with drooping leaves and eyes on them. Even the elevator music pouring from the speakers and the trickling of the waterfalls were enough to put anyone in a relaxed state.

The staff were mostly goat-like demons with candles on their heads. The doctors wore pointed plague masks and were dressed in black. The hospital was infamously known for charging high fees, making appointments hard to get and deceiving people with pharmaceutical addictions. Not to mention the elaborate and expensive gift shop. They, of course, made great profit from it. Rumor said that the plague doctors helped spread the Bubonic Plague on Earth to harm humans. Like the succubi and imps, they were demons sent up to Earth to try and conquer mankind.

Blitzo got out of the van and picked up Loona with both hands, carrying her over his head.

“Come on, Loonie, come on, this’ll be over lickity split alright?”

Blitzo carried her over toward the double doors. Loona struggled to get away, but Blitzo grabbed hold of her. As the double doors opened, Blitzo was dragging her into the waiting room by her tail. Her claws scratched the floor in protest. There was a round purple rug and several round yellow-pink waiting chairs.

“Christ on a stick!” Blitzo swore. “I have waited five fucking years for this appointment! FUCK ME IN MY LITTLE RED HOLE!”

Blitzo glanced at a demon lady who gave him a glare. She looked to be from the Envy Ring and had light gray skin and short dark gray hair with a white stripe along the bottom. Her eyes were neon green, and she wore a pearl necklace and a purple top. She had small black horns on her head and the legs of a goat. Her son had similar features, plus small gray and white fins protruding from his face. The demon boy was connected to a leash the mother was holding. The lady sat under a small note that read “ISO KIDNEY: I need your hip, NOT a scan, CALL ME, Chuck 555.” Another Venus fly trap plant stood in the corner. More signs read “no photos” and “no perfume.”

“Hi. The fuck you looking at?” Blitzo asked the lady with a glare of his own.

Blitzo slid up to the front desk. A demon goat nurse stood there with orange skin, pink hair, floppy ears, and long curved horns on her head. On top of her head was a white cap with a pink cross on it with small hearts in the corners. She wore a matching white shirt with the logo on it. A pink candle flame hovered above her head. Her four teal eyes were lopsided, two big and two smaller ones. A poster showed a smiling hellhound with a syringe sticking from its back and doing a thumbs up. “Get yours today, or else!” was shown in bold black letters. On the front desk was another Venus fly trap, a notepad, and a stack of papers.

“Heya toots, I’m here for that S.H.O.T. for my Loonie Toonie.” Blitzo chuckled as Loona growled in the background.

“The what?” the nurse asked with a dumbfounded look. A bottle of Happy Pill drugs was also on her desk.

“Ugh, the B.U.L.L. shit my daughter has to get every year that you M.O.T.H.E.R. fuckers only allow us to schedule every five years. How the fuck you fuck up that bad anyway, Titty Haver?”

Blitzo scribbled something on a notepad.

“Oh, I can’t spell,” said the nurse.

An annoyed Blitzo pushed the notepad forward. The nurse picked it up with her tentacle hands. “I can’t read either.”

“The fucking Hellbies shot you fucking reeeee…” Blitzo began but then finished. “…eeeally can’t say that word anymore. The appointment is under Blitz.”

“Uh, I don’t see any Blitz on the list,” she said, skimming through the notepad.

“With an “O,” it’s silent you fucking…”

Another nurse came over and flipped through the notepad. She pointed to Blitzo’s name and showed it to the first nurse.

The first nurse lit up. “OH! An “O” right here, yep, yep. Like she said. Blitzooo, Blitzooo…”

Blitzo seethed at his name being pronounced wrong. He revealed his flintlock pistol under his outfit.

“Yes well, we will be ready for her in just a bit. Please take a seat Mr. “O.” said the nurse.

The demon mother Blitzo saw earlier raised her eyes after seeing his gun.

“Perv,” Blitzo waved his hand, slouched forward, and took a seat with his arms folded. He tapped his finger impatiently on his shoulder.

Blitzo glanced and saw Loona whimpering and shaking under three chairs.

“Oh, don’t worry Loonie,” said Blitzo. “It’s okay, it’s just one little prick, you won’t feel it.” He bopped her on the nose.

“Ew, don’t say that, it sounds vulgar,” spat the demon mother.

Blitzo glared. “Excuse me?”

“Pervert!” mocked the lady, folding her arms.

More hours seemed to pass. Blitzo swung his boots back and forth and Loona eventually lay on two chairs, half-asleep. The demon lady stared at her green cellphone.

Blitzo tried to make the situation less awkward.

“Soooo, nice weather we’re having, huh?”

Just then, the boy demon pointed at Blitzo. “Look mommy! They let varmints in here!”

Blitzo scowled. “The fuck did you just call me?”

“A wild animal, a miscreant, a fire toad!” the boy replied. He was pulled to the side by his mother.

“It’s not polite to call them that to their face, honey. Wait ‘til we’re in the car.”

Blitzo stood up, teeth bared. “You got a problem with me? (censored “cunt”)?”

The woman gasped and pulled her son close. “There is a child present, you filthy Wrathian!”

“You’re one to talk, you pompous Karen Leviathan,” Blitzo responded. “And by the way, I’m not from Wrath, bitch. ALSO, my kid’s here too, and I don’t think she would appreciate you calling her father… ‘things.’”

The mother raised her hand and called to the nurse. “Is there any way we can reschedule for a time when less of the unemployed rabble are out?”

Blitzo scoffed. “Oh please. I bet the hardest work you’ve ever done is convincing your husband that little shit’s his.” He pointed to the boy and his eyes watered.

The lady got in his face. “Oh yeah, and what do you do that’s SO important?”

Blitzo smirked. “Me? Oh, I kill people.” He pulled out his pistol. “How does a two for one special sound, whore?” He aimed the pistol at her, and they both got into a wrestling fight.

The nurse came out of the room. “Mr. “O,” the doc will see your hound, now.”

Blitzo strangled the mother and the boy with his arm, then shoved them to the floor. Dusting off his pants, he carried a scared Loona into the room, blowing a raspberry behind him with his snake-like tongue. More signs read “helladays” “wait behind here,” and by a soap dispenser, “please cleanse your claws.”

Blitzo sat Loona next to him on the covered patient chair in the small vet room.

Not too long after, the doctor came in. He was a pink goat with teal horns, a white furry beard, and round glasses. He wore a white suit, dark pants, and a teal necktie. He had thick white eyebrows and a flickering teal candle in the center of his head. He had an upside down pink cross logo on his suit. He flipped through a notepad with his hoof-hands, sitting on a small chair shaped like a paw-print. His name tag read “Dr. Somma.”

“Welcome, Bingo!” he greeted Blitzo. He then pointed at Loona. “And this must be Tuna!”

Blitzo waved a hand. “Loona, yeah, and can you hurry up please? She isn’t a fan of shots, so let’s try and make this quick for all our sakes.”

Nearby posters showed various hellhound faces showing various emotions – “How do you feels?” Another one showed a jumping blonde hellhound with “Don’t do this!” in bold red letters. Another one showed a red male hellhound looking in a mirror and wearing sunglasses. The caption read, “Look at your life…who is that dog?” On a desk were a bowl of treats, Kleenex, a sink with paper towels, and a radio with teeth around the round speaker.

The doctor stood up. “Oh, come now, it can’t be that bad. I see hellhounds every day and there hasn’t been ONE that caused any issue.”

He dug through a bin of needles and held up a giant needle with green liquid inside. Loona’s eye twitched and she growled, fur standing up. Sensing this, Blitzo raced toward the doctor and lifted him up just before Loona charged at the spot where he was moments before. Blitzo jumped before Loona could attack and raced off Loona to the other side of the room. Loona howled as Blitzo faced the doctor. “Yep, right there, told ya, dipshit,” Blitzo said. He took the giant syringe and the doctor stood in fear.

For the next several minutes, Blitzo, Loona and the doctor yelled and barked and chased each other in circles around the chair. Blitzo was gripping onto Loona’s tail, trying to slow her down. The scared doctor found himself backed against a wall, syringe in his hands. Loona growled and crouched down like a wolf, drool dripping from her mouth. Blitzo spread his arms out wide from behind Loona. The doctor tossed the needle over Loona’s head and Blitzo caught it. With a yell, Blitzo charged at Loona with the needle. Loona moved out of the way and whacked Blitzo hard with her tail.

“OW! Sorry!” Blitzo called. Blitzo climbed on top of her and managed to pin her arms onto the chair. Loona snapped her jaws and moved her head to the sides as the doctor aimed the needle at her neck. She dodged to the left, to the right and ducked. Clenching her fists, she broke free from Blitzo’s grip and swatted the doctor away with her clawed hand. He fell into the bin of needles and screamed as nine needles stuck out of him. He leaped into the air in pain. After Blitzo helped get the needles out of the doctor, he wiped his blooded lip, one of his eyes swollen. The doctor flinched as Blitzo then rode Loona like a wild bull. Loona tried to buck Blitzo off, but Blitzo managed to grab her nose and jaw and pin her face to the floor.

Blitzo mentioned for the doctor to come over and the doctor nodded. The doctor walked over…and stuck the needle right into Loona’s butt. Her red eyes bulged, and she let out a feral howl of pain. Blitzo fell off her back and crashed onto the floor. The doctor helped him up, staring at the cracks in the floor from the impact. After Loona was sedated, she had a white cone placed over her head.

At long last, after paying a very expensive fee of $666.06, Blitzo limped out of the hospital with Loona trailing behind him. The white cone was over her face. Blitzo opened the back of the van and the exhausted Loona slumped down belly-first onto the seat. Blitzo checked to make sure his arm wasn’t too broken.

“It’s…it’s over Loonie,” Blitzo breathed. “We got through it. You won’t have to worry about it for another five years.”

All Loona could manage was an angry slurred groan and a weak middle finger.

“Thanks for…not killing me,” Blitzo added with a soft chuckle.

In a tired silence, Blitzo drove them back to his apartment to rest and recover. For despite the dreamy atmosphere of the Sloth Ring, nothing felt quite like home than his small dwelling in Pride.

“A Prince In Distress”

It was another seemingly ordinary day in the Pride Ring. The sky seemed to glow a crimson red with hints of salmon pink. An array of city buildings were decorated with eyes and gold pointed horns jutting from the tops. Triangular features on the buildings gave the appearance of yellow fangs. Cars blared and spotlights flashed green, yellow, and red. Situated on a main street corner, between two tall buildings was a café. On top of the store was a constructed large white teacup with gold trim and a gold handle. It gave the appearance of brown tea being spilled over the store’s name in gold letters: “Richest Café.” A nearby sign on the side read: “Where the poor pour for you!” Tables with purple tablecloths and chairs were positioned under a red awning. An inverted pentagram decorated a nearby building.

Inside the elite café, fancy soft violin music played from speakers overhead. Quietly talking, holding their teacups with pinky fingers raised, were the many bird-like members of the Ars Goetia. Small imp servants in tuxedos and aprons were busy pouring tea for the royals and carrying platters of tea in cups, small cakes, eggs, hell-crab sandwiches, and other delicacies. Small chandeliers of four soft lavender lights hung overhead.

Among the royals were the familiar faces of Stolas and Stella. With pinky finger raised, the swan-like spouse of Stolas sipped her tea, looking elegant in her pink and black dress and three-pointed gold crown. Her long black eyelashes extended past her face. She had carefully groomed her long white feathery hair and added tan eye-makeup on her eyelids.

Her glowing red eyes narrowed as she lowered her cup of hot tea.

“Stolas.”

The Goetia prince wore his usual black top hat with a five-pointed gold crown on it and two small red eyes on it. He wore his red robe with a high tight collar up to his neck.

“Stella,” Stolas returned with a glare of his own, black pinky raised as he, too, sipped his hot tea.

A small imp wearing a tuxedo and a large purple bowtie, tried to keep steady as she held a large teapot, pouring tea for Stella.

“(Censored “cunt”)” Stella barked at Stolas.

“Witch,” Stolas retorted at his soon-to-be ex-wife.

Another royal at the table groaned in frustration at the bickering couple.

“FUCKISH! IMP! SUCKER!” Stella yelled at Stolas, standing up. The imp poured more tea for Stolas.

“Why did you insist on meeting me here?” Stolas asked. He stared at his cellphone with a reminder popping up on the screen: “Deal at Ozzie’s Set.” He was meeting with the King of Lust to retrieve Asmodean crystals to help Blitzo keep entering the human world in case his grimoire got lost. And despite the dangers of the mortal world, it was a potential refugee in case things between authorities got out of hand.

Stolas wondered how his imp companion was doing. He had texted Blitzo and tried to mend things from when they were at Ozzie’s. He had wanted to talk to him in person, but with both being tied down to their duties, it made the distance between them seem greater. Perhaps helping Blitzo with I.M.P. and not insisting on sex during each full moon would show Blitzo that he wanted a genuine partnership beyond the physical pleasures…

The third royal member cleared his throat, snapping Stolas from his thoughts. He was Andrealphus, Stella’s brother, lover, and a marquis in the Ars Goetia. In contrast to Stella’s fiery eyes of rage, Andrealphus’ orbs glowed icy teal, cold and calculating. Andrealphus was known for his expertise in astronomy, geometry, turning foes into birds and more predominantly, his ice magic. He was a tall white peacock with a teal three-pointed crown and a teal scarf with a white snowflake design around his neck. His hair was short and light purple, his skin snowy white.

Andrealphus turned to Stolas. “We wanted to properly discuss the terms of this divorce. I feel my darling sister deserves a bit more…compensation.”

Stella revealed a sneaky grin, her fingers laced together. She seemed pleased that someone else was on her side. Now if only Stolas would drop dead then and there, her nagging feelings of anger and hurt would cease.

Andrealphus continued to Stolas. “After all, you did CHEAT on the poor thing. Surely you owe…”

Andrealphus imagined the feeling of Stolas’ five-pointed crown nestled on his head. Just the thought of basking in the prince’s wealth and gaining Stolas’ possessions made him shiver with delight.

“Andrealphus!” snapped Stolas, gripping his teacup with two hands. “Cheating implies there was a betrayal.” He pointed accusingly at Stella. “This woman never gave two shits about me or our very much ‘arranged marriage.’ As far as I’m concerned, this divorce is far overdue.”

Stolas wondered if Stella still loved his daughter, or if her feelings of rage toward him overshadowed any remaining innocence inside her.

The female imp began to pour another cup for Stolas. The imp then glanced nervously out the window. A black stallion with a fiery mane and tail was galloping at full speed toward the window.

“Up yours!” Stella barked at Stolas, flipping the bird at him.

Andrealphus put a hand on his head. “Stellaaaa, for fucks sake, stop making this harder to bullshit!”

The sound of breaking glass rang from behind Stolas. Stolas turned around with a worried glance. Other royals looked around to see where the commotion was coming from. Someone had leaped off the galloping horse and was posing on a table from behind a dark robe.

With sharp fangs, a cowboy hat and hypnotic yellow glowing eyes, it was none other than the outlaw imp Striker. He stood up with a grin, twirling two black angelic pistols in his hands. They both had white glowing designs of a halo and angel wings on it. Striker had gained more angelic weapons, courtesy of Stella (and maybe a little bit of black-market stealing). He had a hint of a black mustache. The succubus and incubus seated at the table glanced up at Striker with nervous expressions. The imp criminal mastermind was wanted in Pride and Wrath alike.

With a bang, Striker fired a white angelic bullet from the pistol right at Stolas’ face. Stolas morphed into his demon form and leapt out of the way as the bullet struck Stella’s cup. The bullet had also cracked the window. Stolas looked at Stella who turned toward him with a sinister grin. Another bullet made a smoky hole in his hat and another crack in the window. Four more holes appeared in the window as more bullets flew. Stolas flew out of the way as Striker leaped across the bar tables after him. Stella and Andrealphus smirked as Stolas ran off. He flew by a yellow royal lady carrying a pocket imp in her purse and staring at her cellphone. There were succubi, incubi, and a Sloth Ring demon in the corner. Stolas flew toward the exit doors as Stolas pulled out a glowing white lasso. Outside in an alleyway were wanted posters: “Wanted: Striker, Preferably Dead, Please.” With a yelp, Stolas fell to the ground as the blessed rope caught around his neck. “Oh dear, this is worrisome,” Stolas gulped in concern as his hat flew off his head. He was now bound with the white blessed rope.

Striker’s glowing yellow eyes flashed as he strut out of the café with an evil grin. He stood over Stolas, gold fang glinting, black cowboy boot pressing into Stolas’ leg. In his belt was an angelic knife, sharp and reddish with glowing white light pulsing within it. “How in blazes did he get all those dangerous weapons?” Stolas thought.

“Oh, how the mighty do fall, eh Stolas?”

Stolas flashed his red eyes at Striker, intending to turn him into stone. Striker just chuckled. Stolas gasped in surprise.

“Don’t bother trying your little eye trick on me,” Striker drawled. “Those ropes ain’t gonna let you do anything. Got something to say about that your…”

Striker whipped Stolas hard in the face with his pointed spiked tail,

“…highness?!”

“Argh!” Stolas flinched. He managed to press the “call Blitzy” button on his cellphone with a finger before Striker smashed it to bits with his boot a few moments later. The owl struggled in vain as Striker lifted him up and placed him on the back of his horse, Bulletproof. With a western cackle, Striker leaped onto his horse and galloped away with his victim down the streets.

0 0 0

Blitzo yawned as he stared out the window from his small, cramped apartment. Loona was sleeping in her room, recovering from the vet’s shot. The familiar city sounds of gunshots, shouts, swears, and passing cars rang out in the distance. Blitzo thought he saw a blur of Stolas tied up on the back of a galloping fiery horse.

“Stolas tied up to a horse? Lucky bitch,” Blitzo thought. “Even luckier if Striker was also a part of the hallucination.”

Blitzo walked away from the window and made his way toward bed. Then after several moments, he froze with a strange feeling of dread. He rubbed his eyes and raced back toward the window. But, of course, the image was gone. There was no hint of Stolas ever being tied up by Striker on a horse.

It would’ve been simple to dismiss it as part of his fatigued imagination…

…if a lone owl feather and scorched hoof marks weren’t present on the street.

Blitzo groaned in frustration. First, he nearly lost his limbs taking Loona to the vet. Now he was on yet another rescue mission. He knew what Stolas would say: “I’m your prince in distress, being carried away by a sexy cowboy. So, you should come and save me.”

“Fuck my afterlife,” Blitzo muttered. He saw that there was a missed call from Stolas on his cellphone…the only sound on the other line was Stolas’ yelps and static as the line went dead. Blitzo seethed as he began to call Moxxie and Millie.

Striker maneuvered his horse off-roads until spotting a portal in the dark. The horse raced so fast through it that only a glimpse of a fiery mane and tail could be seen. Soon enough, Striker was back home in the Wrath Ring.

0 0 0

Blitzo soon met up with Moxxie and Millie in front of I.M.P. headquarters. Blitzo led them into the I.M.P. van and Blitzo drove them down the road.

“Stolas…kidnapped?” Moxxie exclaimed. “How could that have happened? Shouldn’t Stolas have guards around him?”

“I also wondered why he couldn’t just escape since he’s powerful,” Blitzo said with a worried look. “But from what I got from my cellphone it sounded like Stolas is in real shit this time.”

“Sir,” said Millie from the back seat. “Let me and Moxxie handle this one.”

“Are you sure you two got this alone?” Blitzo asked.

Moxxie grinned. “We can do it, sir. Together, we are a lethal combo.” Millie placed a reddish-pink cowboy hat onto Moxxie, who smiled.

“Appreciate your enthusiasm, but I’m gonna make this a threesome and come with you,” Blitzo sighed. “Knowing Striker’s aesthetic, my money’s he’s in Wrath and still just as dangerous as he was at the Harvest Moon Festival. Probably still has a bunch of cowboy crap with him.”

Millie thought for a moment. “Well, we could always use the extra backup.”

Moxxie glanced around. “And we still need to follow those scorched hoof marks. It’s our only clue to finding Stolas.”

Blitzo agreed. The imp trio followed the scorched horse hoof marks backward until they reached the Richest Café (“Where the poor pour for you!”). They parked the car and slowly got out, being careful not to draw too much attention. There was yellow caution tape over the broken window and the cracked window with the bullet holes. The remaining royals were standing outside the café, talking in hushed whispers. A few of them glanced at the imps with apathy and disdain. Moxxie soon came across the little female server imp wearing a tuxedo and purple bowtie.

“Excuse me,” said Moxxie. “Do you work here?”

“Yes,” squeaked the imp. “But the Café is closed until tomorrow.”

“What happened here?” Millie asked.

“Well, it was just an ordinary busy day,” said the imp with a sigh. “My first morning shift. My back and arms were sore from holding the teapot for the Goetia royals. One looked like a prince with red robes. There was a very loud woman arguing with him. And a third ice bird.”

“Ice bird?” Blitzo raised his eyebrows. “How many pompous birdbrains are there?”

The server imp continued. “I was just about to pour tea for the prince, when I saw a giant demonic stallion charging toward the windows! Next thing I knew, the glass breaks and this rogue cowboy imp starts firing bullets everywhere! Oh, it was scary.”

“Where did the prince go?” Moxxie asked.

“I don’t know,” replied the imp. “I was hiding under the table afterward, but I did see some movement in the alleyway. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for my 12-hour workday tomorrow. Being poor fucking sucks!”

The imp darted away before Blitzo could ask any more questions. Moxxie raced toward the alley. “Sir, you might want a look at this.”

Blitzo and Millie followed.

“Oh shit,” Blitzo breathed. There on the ground was Stolas’ missing top hat and broken cellphone. Blitzo picked up the hat.

“He definitely was here,” Moxxie said. “I wonder what he was doing while drinking his tea?”

“Well, we have no time to wonder about that,” said Blitzo. He mentioned for the group to climb back into the I.M.P. van. Blitzo called, “It’s best we go prepared. Millie, you have your weapons?”

Millie grinned, “Yeah!” as she held up a black double-sided axe with the I.M.P. logo in the middle and then a two-handled Zwei-hander sword.

Mox?” Blitzo asked.

Moxxie grinned as he showed two pistols.

“You guys have any angelic weapons?”

Both shook their heads.

“Just don’t let Striker hit you with any angelic weapons. Rumor has it, they hurt like double hell in comparison to other weapons. Now let’s move out to Wrath.”

“We got this, boss!” Moxxie stated, with a proud fist. Millie nodded. They drove and followed the hoof marks through the portal to Wrath.

0 0 0

The imps were soon in the Wrath Ring, driving by ranches, cacti, deserts, and red-rock mountains with lava spheres flowing above them. Several muscular imps were tending to many-eyed cattle or mining for precious gems in the shafts. They hauled gold, diamonds, and rubies into carts to sell to royals at markets. A few brave ones were sliding down the lava streams in open logs. Blitzo soon pulled up to a gas station on the side of the road. The wooden roof structure had white horn designs on the top and a few knives sticking out of the ends. A nearby wooden building read “Route 666,” also decorated with swords, spikes, and horns. A mariachi imp band sat on a bench where rifles lay on their sides. One wore a thick hat decorated with eyes on the brim. There was a broken vent on the building side and more Striker wanted posters. An old motel was across the way with two wagon wheels on a rock. The volcanic mountains were connected above by rickety wooden bridges.

“Crumbs!” Moxxie exclaimed. “I’ll grab the gas, Millie. Go and see if anyone’s seen Striker anywhere.”

Blitzo got out and stretched his legs, while Moxxie and Millie spread out. As Millie walked over to the imp band, three motorcycles revved to a stop as a biker gang parked their vehicles.

“Hey, queer boy!” shouted the leader biker to Moxxie.

Moxxie froze, eyes wide. The leader was tall, muscular, and red-skinned with a white beard and mustache. He wore a reddish cowboy hat and had thick horns sticking from his head. He was shirtless with a white scarf, black leather pants, white cowboy boots, and black incubus wings extending from his back. He was flanked by two imps with faces covered. One wore a red face scarf, brown cowboy hat and white shirt, the other had a dirty hat, a red and white shirt, and a thick white mustache.

“You stealin’ my hat?” the leader asked, anger in his eyes.

“What?” Moxxie asked.

The biker’s eyes glowed yellow as he pointed to his hat. “Same hat.”

Moxxie fidgeted with his hat nervously. “Oh sorry. My wife just put this hat on my head…you know, because it was…hot…outside…”

The biker got into Moxxie’s face and growled. “Same. Hat.”

Moxxie glanced around at the gang and sighed. “So, we’re doing this, huh?”

“Howdy, boys!” Millie called to the imp band. “Y’all seen this motherfucker riding around here?” She held up a drawing labeled “Striker” which showed a shirtless Striker firing his gun.

In the background, Blitzo and Moxxie were seen fighting the biker gang. Moxxie jumped onto the biker with the white shirt and stabbed him repeatedly in the waist with a dagger. Moxxie jumped out of the way as the biker leader accidentally punched his comrade while charging after Moxxie. Blitzo swiped at the other guy with a knife, pulling the cowboy hat over his head. Before the biker could fully turn around and see, Blitzo shot him dead.

“Yeah,” one of the imps said. “He lives out by the Bad Man Lands, in the old train tunnel near the mine shafts. Very outlaw aesthetic, ya can’t miss it.”

“Thank you, kindly,” Millie smiled.

“Now for a song!” the four imps said with grins.

“NO! NO! No singing, please!” Millie protested to no avail. She rolled her eyes and left to join her crew. The band played their instruments and sang as Blitzo and Moxxie and Millie fought the biker gang:

“He’s galloping over the dusty plains

Even the cacti know his name

If you don’t want to die, don’t cross his path

The best assassin in the Ring of Wrath

He’s Striker! He’s Striker!

Sure shootin’, darn tootin’, his name is Striker

Gonna bring the bird back to his lair

With his magic rope and western flair

He’s very good at causing pain

He loves to ride on the choo-choo train!

Dirty-dealin’, prince-stealin’

He’s a villain, Striker!

He’s fast and strong and tall and mean

The foulest imp you’ve ever seen!

He’ll break your bones to hear em’ crunch!

He likes to eat Paté for lunch!

He’s Striker! Ye-yeah! Ye-yeah!”

While Blitzo and Millie fought the other biker, Moxxie rode on top of the biker leader and smashed his face repeatedly against the glass part of the wooden door. With a swipe of his credit card, Moxxie paid for the gas and smashed the biker’s head through the van’s glass window. He dodged the biker’s next punch and proceeded to wrap the nozzle cord tightly around the biker’s neck. The biker struggled and strained as Moxxie then causally put the nozzle into the van’s tank and stared at his cellphone as he waited.

Millie brushed herself off, then glanced in the distance and spotted a figure galloping across the bridges and into the volcanic tunnels.

She ran off and called, “Come on, Mox! We got a lead!”

Blitzo finished off the other biker with another shot to the face and raced over to the van. Blitzo took the wheel as Millie and Moxxie took their places in the back. Blitzo sped forward down the road. With a “yee-haw!” the nozzle flew out of the tank, taking the biker’s head off. The gas machine detached from the ground and soon exploded. The top of the roof structure landed on the ground off to the side.

0 0 0

The dust cleared deep within the mine shafts. Stolas coughed and looked around. Striker was off to the side sharpening his angelic knife with a rock.

Stolas lowered his head…and flicked it back up with a yelp. He was tied to train tracks with the blessed rope…and his black head of hair had almost touched the stream of orange lava below. He was suspended a few feet up.

“Careful,” Striker chuckled. “Move down too far and you’ll fall right in.”

“So, my wife paid you for this, huh?” Stolas asked. “Wouldn’t a holy bullet have sufficed? Or could you not afford those?”

Striker smirked, waving his knife in the air. “I was paid to give you the real royal treatment. Your wife must really hate you.” He laughed.

“You have no idea,” said Stolas.

Around Striker’s hideout were strings of lights, barrels, and a small black caldron over a wood pile. A train car had been overturned to the side. There were neon signs that read “KILL COUNT CASINO,” with a black cowboy skull and arrows pointing down toward Stolas, a “KILLER VENOM,” sign with a blue beer bottle inside a blue snake’s mouth, a “KILLER BEER,” logo, “NEW BLOOD,” and up on top near an orange light figure of Striker’s horse: “STRIKER’S SALOON.” Striker had a small bed with a string of lights over it, a neon purple cactus and bull horns on the wall. By a green neon cactus was a statue of Striker, posing with a wheat stalk in his mouth and a large dick. There was also a radio on the ground by Striker’s boots.

Stolas stared at the statue. “Is the giant statue of yourself a classic?”

“Only the best,” Striker grinned.

“I didn’t know you wanted to suck your own dick so badly,” Stolas remarked.

Striker scowled. “Are you seriously judging me right now?”

Stolas shrugged. “I’m just saying that Blitzy’s dick is a much more enjoyable sight.”

“Shut it!” Striker spat. He took a metal pan and splashed some lava near Stolas’ face. He closed his eyes and flinched in pain. “All you royals ever do is talk over us imps. And then you fuckers think that the entire world’s yours, so you take away everything we care about.”

“But I didn’t take anything from…”

Stolas screamed as Striker dug his dagger deep into his feathery neck. Black blood spilled out of the owl’s neck. To further intimate Stolas, Striker licked the blood off the knife.

“Say one more word,” Striker held the knife to Stolas’ neck, “and you won’t be worth more than the tombstone you’ll be buried under. You’ll choke on your own blue blood.”

Stolas let out a forced laugh. “Blitzy says far dirtier things to me…”

Striker dug the knife in…

“And…his knife digs sooo much deeper into me…”

Striker seethed and stepped back. “Being a smartass, huh? Well guess what? You’re the one hanging over the lava.”

Stolas breathed heavily. “Well, you seem to be forgetting…you’re the one working for a royal…right…now!”

Striker seethed again. “If it means getting the chance to kill you and gaining some money, then I’ll take the risk of being a temporary underling.”

“You won’t kill me,” Stolas began. “Blitzy will…”

“That rodeo clown ain’t comin’ to save you. You won’t see him again…”

Striker pondered and smirked. “…and neither will you see your kid again. What a shame…”

Stolas’ eyes flared. “Don’t you dare breathe a word about my daughter…”

Striker got close to his face. “Ooooh, finally hit a nerve, huh?”

“I swear, if you hurt Via, I will destroy you…”

Striker cackled and moved his knife toward Stolas’ eyes. “Not if I have your red eyes as a trophy. Can’t have you seeing me again, can we…?”

Just then, Striker’s burner phone rang. “Yellow?” he said, answering it. A horseshoe keychain hung from the phone.

“Change of plans, darling, I need the prick alive,” came Stella’s voice.

“I’m kinda in the middle of killing him,” Striker scoffed.

“Well stop it, we need him alive to get some affairs in order. I will pay you more to spare him and bring him to us.” Striker covered Stolas’ mouth with his tail.

Striker’s eyes narrowed. “Who else do you mean when you say ‘us?’”

“Not your concern, imp! Just do as I say.”

“Well…I’ll still get paid if I do kill him, right?”

“You will not…”

Striker’s eyes became bizarrely defiant, glowing in a mix of rage and maniacal glee. “You really think I’ll say ‘yes, ma’am,’ after you won’t tell me about the details on your end? After all the troubles I went through? You forget I follow my own orders first. Now say goodbye to your dick-devoted husband, (censored “cunt.”)

“MOTHERFUC…!” Stella began before Striker hung up. In anger, Striker tossed the burner phone aside and it shattered into pieces. Stolas gasped in bewilderment.

“I don’t need to take any more orders! I don’t even need your eyes!” Striker roared. He dug the knife close to Stolas’ heart and then hovered the knife over the white ropes bounding Stolas to the train tracks.

“Into the lava you go!”

Just then, a cheerful car horn blared from above. Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-dadadada! Striker looked up as the ceiling caved in with a crash. The I.M.P. van dive-bombed through the cavern ceiling, this time with Moxxie driving. Blitzo spotted Stolas about to fall into the lava. Thankfully he had brought cowboy rope with him. He swung the rope, and it wrapped on a metal railing part of the train tracks near Stolas. As the van plummeted down a rocky hill, Blitzo swung forward from the rope and grabbed hold of Stolas just before he could fall into the lava. Striker dove out of the way as Blitzo and Stolas crashed in a heap on the ground, with Stolas underneath Blitzo. The owl blushed at the unexpected sight of his savior. “Oh Blitzy…”

Striker stood up as the van rolled sideways down the hill, then straightened itself. Moxxie already had his rifle trained on the cowboy. Striker darted out of range before twirling his knife in response. With a well-aimed throw, the knife dug into Moxxie’s rifle, jamming it. Millie raced behind some rocks. Moxxie fired a stray bullet which bounced off Striker’s statue dick, off the casino sign and into a radio.

A western Wrath Ring version of “Whatcha Thinkin’ About?” played on the radio. Striker bopped his head with a grin and tapped his foot as the battle began. Striker twirled his angelic pistols and fired at Blitzo, who was trying to free Stolas. Blitzo moved out of the way and joined with Moxxie. Millie wielded her double-handled sword and leaped over Striker’s head. She swung it and Striker ducked. Striker dodged Millie’s swings and kicked Millie backward. She landed near Stolas on her back. Millie barely managed to flip out of the way when Striker used his strong tail to stab the spot where she was at with the sword. A brief pushing of swords ensued before Striker flinched from Moxxie’s bullets. Taking advantage of Blitzo’s weak arm, Striker fired a bullet at it and sent Blitzo down. He yelped in pain.

Meanwhile Moxxie and Millie flipped in the air and dove around as Striker fired a series of rounds at them. Millie tossed a piece of rock at Striker. It missed and instead landed in the radio.

A bubblegum pop Sloth Ring version of “Whatcha Thinkin’ About?” replaced the country song. Striker raised his eyebrows and snarled in disgust before continuing the fight.

Moxxie raced and tossed the double-sided black I.M.P. axe to Millie, who caught it in midair. Striker fired both pistols at the same time as Moxxie and Millie jumped in for the attack. Millie used her axe to shield them from Striker’s bullets. Moxxie fired one of his pistols and Striker avoided it. With a scream and swing of her axe, Millie sliced Striker’s angelic pistols apart, sending him to the ground. He seethed at the broken weapons in his hands and the white wax pouring from them. He tossed them aside and narrowly avoided getting his tail chopped off by Millie’s axe. With a grin, Striker lassoed a piece of rock to his cowboy rope and rammed it straight into Millie. Millie yelled as she was forced forward. She dug her axe in the ground to steady herself. Striker swung the rock at Moxxie who narrowly dodged it. Striker swung himself several times with his cowboy rope and lassoed a sharp stalactite from the ceiling. He jumped out of the way as the pointed rock came crashing down, knocking the imps off their feet.

Millie flew into a rock near the radio as Striker kicked Moxxie down. She barely had time to blink before Striker tossed her axe at her, narrowly missing her neck. Striker snapped his fingers as if to say “darn, I missed.” Before Moxxie could reach his pistols, Striker lassoed a rock at Moxxie and crashed it onto his head. Millie gasped. Striker walked over to Moxxie and began to strangle him.

“Oh, I remember how easy you are to choke the life out of, little one.”

Trying a new Stolas approach, Moxxie weakly grinned and moaned “Harder.” Striker reeled back in disgust and Moxxie proceeded to trip Striker, swiping at his legs. Moxxie then used the lasso to wrap around Striker’s neck, twirling him around and screaming “YOU COWBOY PIECE OF SHIT!” Striker growled after he was freed and brandished an extra pistol. Millie wacked her axe into the rock supporting the Striker statue. Striker saw the statue begin to fall and leaped out of the way before it crashed.

Completely distracted, Striker did not see Blitzo weakly use his other arm to fire a bullet into Striker’s stomach. Striker seethed in pain and turned to attack Blitzo, but this time, Millie and Moxxie stood with Blitzo, also surrounding Stolas.

“Blitzo, this is your last chance to join me against the royals. We could have the freedom to do what we please if you let me kill that bastard prince,” said Striker.

“Fuck off,” was Blitzo’s reply.

Outnumbered, Striker retreated into the dark, tail rattling in anger.

“Oh crumbs!” cried Moxxie, staring down at the unresponsive Stolas. “We have to get him to a hospital!”

0 0 0

The three imps carried him back to the van, where they drove through a portal to the Sloth Ring hospital. After they arrived, doctors in plague masks carried Stolas on a stretcher and rushed him inside. Several nurses with candles on their heads carried first-aid kits and followed the doctors. A 666 Imperial News station was outside the hospital where a pink tall demon woman reported Stolas’ condition. Another horned demon lady with pink fire on her head, posed for pictures. Many reporters stood outside the double doors, snapping pictures and chatting.

“Ready to go home, Blitzo?” asked Millie. Blitzo stared at the black top hat in the back seat. “Give me a sec,” he replied.

Inside the hospital room, a monitor showed Stolas’ heart rhythm with beeps. An IV bag with black blood was connected to Stolas. Stolas lay down on the bed, the pillow dotted with sleeping-eye designs. The windows were tinted pink.

Stolas was surrounded by red flowers with eye designs in the middle. Several rose petals fell off a flower onto a bed-side table. One of his arms was in a cast. Stolas then smiled as he saw a familiar face.

“Via?”

“Oh dad!” His daughter’s eyes brimmed with tears. “What happened? I got here as soon as I could.” Octavia finished placing the last of the flowers near Stolas’ bed.

“You gave me the flowers?”

“You were growing them already,” she replied.

“You didn’t have to…”

“Why wouldn’t I come over to see you? At the very least, visiting you gives me something to do.”

“Thank you,” Stolas smiled softly.

“Oh,” Via said. “Here.” She handed him a new cellphone. “I found the broken pieces by the café. Please be careful next time.”

“I love you, Via. Please stay safe.”

After talking for a few more moments, Octavia left.

Stolas looked at the notification on his new phone; he had one message from Blitzo.

He scrolled through all the phone texts.

Stolas: I’M SORRY IF ANYTHING I SAID OR DID MAY HAVE OFFENDED YOU TONIGHT.

Blitzo: ITZ WUTEVS

Stolas: NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER, MAYBE WE CAN TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AT OZZIE’S?

Blitzo: Y?

Stolas: I’M SORRY! NEVERMIND, IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. I WAS JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU. YOU SEEMED VERY UPSET AND YOU TOOK OFF SO FAST. BUT MAYBE I READ TOO MUCH INTO THAT, I’M GLAD IF THAT’S NOT THE CASE. I WASN’T UPSET EITHER, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WEREN’T AND OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN HANDLE ANY STUPID JOKE A CLOWN CAN MAKE. ASMODEUS CAN BE VERY INVASIVE IN HIS HUMOR, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY MYSELF. WHAT HE SAID ABOUT ME AT LEAST, I ENJOY BEING THE SUBJECT OF JEST. MAYBE YOU CAN SAY MEAN THINGS TO ME TOO NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER.

IF YOU WANT?

Blitzo: SHUR

Stolas: THANKS FOR HELPING ME WITH VIA TODAY, YOU WERE GREAT IN THAT HUMAN SHOW.

Blitzo: NP

Stolas: ARE YOU COMING OVER TONIGHT WITH THE BOOK?

Blitzo: LYKE OLWAYS

Stolas: IF YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE COMING, THAT’S OK! I’M SURE I CAN DO WITHOUT IT FOR ONE MONTH. :)

Blitzo: K

Stolas: DO YOU PLAN TO VISIT TOMORROW? I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN BUSY AND WORKING HARD. MAYBE IF YOU’D PREFER, WE CAN SKIP THE BEDROOM AND JUST RELAX, MAYBE? I’M SURE YOU NEED A BREAK.

Blitzo: WUTEVR YOU WANT, ITS UR NIGHT

Stolas: IF YOU’RE NOT UP FOR IT, OR TOO TIRED, THAT’S PERFECTLY FINE. NO PRESSURE, I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING WITH THE GRIMOIRE TILL NEXT MONTH.

Blitzo: MAE BEE

Stolas: MAYBE INSTEAD OF OUR USUAL ARRANGEMENT ON THE FULL MOON WE COULD PROPERLY CATCH UP THIS WEEK? MAYBE MONDAY?

Blitzo: I MITE B BSUY

Stolas: I WOULDN’T WANT TO BOTHER YOU!

YOU CAN ALWAYS DROP OFF THE BOOK ON THE FULL MOON AND I CAN LEAVE IT FOR YOU IF YOU ARE TOO TIRED TO DO ANYTHING…

BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU.

Blitzo: K

Blitzo: GIT BEVVER SWOON :(

Stolas typed and left a message.

Stolas: THANK YOU, BLITZ, THAT MEANS A LOT. I MIGHT BE HERE FOR A WHILE, IF YOU EVER WANT TO VISIT. (purple heart emoji)

The phone showed “Blitzy is typing…” but nothing showed up. Stolas sighed sadly and placed his phone on the bedside table. Another rose petal fell off a sad-looking flower. As Stolas drifted off to sleep, he didn’t notice his top hat being placed near his phone by a familiar imp. Or said familiar imp gently holding his hand. Or the familiar imp who sat and worried about Stolas and Loona and his I.M.P. business. By the time Stolas opened his eyes again…his imp savior had vanished from the room.

0 0 0

Off in the northern unknown regions of Hell stood a giant gleaming ice palace. It had an ice walkway and a teal diamond over the door entrance. It had the appearance of a frozen three-layer cake and the roof was decorated with giant pointed snowflake designs. Andrealphus, master of ice and geometry had built his home all by himself. The dark red sky swirled with snow and ice spikes jagged the ground in all directions. Despite Andrealphus being unaffected by the cold, he often longed for the more traditional cushiony comforts held in Stolas’ palace.

“I have done all my duties to the letter,” Andrealphus thought. “King Paimon would be proud of me already if only I were a prince.”

Andrealphus and Stella sat at a dining room table made of ice and decorated with teal diamonds. The marquis moved two sugar cubes in his hand with blue magic, dropped them in his tea and stirred it with a spoon. The rectangular windows overlooking the red sky were frosted. Stella stared at the ice rotary phone she had used to call Striker.

“Andrealphus, why did you make my assassin call off the attack?”

“My fiery vixen,” Andrealphus mused. “You were the one who called him, not me.” He smirked. “You hired him to kill your husband, didn’t you?”

“Guilty,” Stella laughed, sipping her tea. “Yesss it wasss me!”

“You are a silly minx,” Andrealphus laughed. “Though you know, if your husband dies, it won’t turn out well for you.”

Stella scoffed. “I still don’t you why you wanted me to stop the imp from doing his job. I don’t really care what happens as long as Stolas is dead.”

“You haven’t been listening to me,” her brother sighed. “It’s not the best course of action.”

“He’ll be dead! Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Because, my dear sister, you’ve already produced an heir. When Stolas dies, all of his possessions, his legions will pass onto…”

Andrealphus seethed, “…your daughter Via instead. She’s next in line, after all.”

Stella giggled. “You’re joking.”

“No I’m not, you stupid cow! You’ll get nothing! You’re lucky you’re so attractive to get this far.” He briefly placed his white fingers onto Stella’s black ones.

“Well, what do you suppose we do?”

“You already called off your mangy stray,” Andrealphus said.

“Yeah, that went well,” Stella muttered. “But I want Stolas dead so badly! He won’t leave me anything willingly. He hates me almost as much as I hate him.”

“Well, this situation is extremely unique. A Goetia has never behaved like this before.” He stood up and got close to Stella. “Think of it like this, with Stolas alive, we have actions, opportunities…”

Andrealphus was already formulating some ideas. If Via were to die in a ‘tragic accident,’ then the legacies would stay with Stolas. And then with Stolas out of the way…

Yes, it would be a complex, risky endeavor. Andrealphus would get what he was looking for. He would be the ideal next candidate with no Stolas there. And Stella would happily follow him around if provided with luxury and comforts. But would it work?

“Eternity is a long time, my dear,” he told Stella, stroking under her chin. “I say we bide our time and wait for the chance to gain the upper hand.”

“Fine,” Stella scoffed. They both sipped their hot tea quietly as the snow swirled outside.

Chapter Text

Part One: Millie Finds Her Way

Blitzo shoved open the door to the I.M.P. office, a grumpy look on his face. His face was muddy and his clothes were dirty and torn, with lavender-colored leaves from bushes. Moxxie and Millie had been talking to a client at their desk when all three froze to stare at Blitzo.

“Sir, what happened to you?” Millie wondered out loud.

Blitzo slouched past the Hel-9000 fax machine printer and past the picture with a stick figure Blitzo with a gun and a pink pony.

Moxxie stood up. “Sir! There’s a client here who wants to…”

Blitzo ignored him and stomped straight into his office, slamming the door.

Millie chuckled nervously, turning to the visitor. “I’m sorry, you were saying?”

Their client was a tall aquatic sinner demon with a torn short white shirt and a green piece of a yin-yang symbol as a necklace. He had gray skin, finned fingers, and dark-teal long hair that looked like seaweed. He had dark long pants, dark shoes and his chest glowed teal blue and watery. One of his eyes glowed neon green, his teeth sharp. Formerly on Earth, he had been a regular man with white skin and long dark hair.

“Well, it’s just that I’m sure one of the other camp counselors killed me. I’m just not sure which one,” he said with a shrug, hands out.

“How could you not know?” Moxxie asked, raising an eyebrow.

The aquatic demon continued. “I was out on the lake when my boat started to sink. Someone had drilled holes in it. The counselors are the only ones with keys to the boathouse, and they’re the only ones who knew I couldn’t swim. It had to be them.”

“Hmm, we don’t typically do investigations,” said Moxxie, “I’ll have to check with the boss.”

Moxxie opened Blitzo’s door. “Uh, pardon moi, sir.”

Blitzo glared at Moxxie as he flipped through address files on a rotary.

“Not now, Mox.”

“Sir, there’s client that needs us to investigate his death and we don’t usually…”

“No tiiime,” Blitzo replied.

Moxxie rubbed his neck. “But sir, we really need the cashflow, and I was thinking maybe…”

“What part of ‘NO. FUCKING. TIIIIIME.’ do you not understand?!” Blitzo yelled, facing Moxxie. “Just handle it yourself.”

“You want me to lead? On a hit?”

Blitzo seethed and slammed his hands on the desk. “I swear on all that is evil, Mox, if you aren’t out of my office in negative three seconds…”

“Yooou GOT IT, SIR!”

Moxxie slammed the door and then turned back around to Millie and the client.

“We’ll take the case!” he beamed. “And I’ll be handling this investigation personally!” He jabbed a thumb to himself.

“Honey, are you sure? What about Blitz?” asked Millie, gesturing to the door.

“Honey, honey, please. Blitz put me in charge this time.”

“He did?!”

Moxxie narrowed his eyes and Millie quickly added, “Oh! I mean, he…HE DID!”

“Right!” said Moxxie to the client. “And this is going to be the cleanest, most well-prepped, most surgical hit we’ve ever had! Don’t worry, sir! We’ll find your killer and give him what’s coming to him. And/or her…or they.”

Moxxie and Millie later stood by a police investigation whiteboard where Moxxie had posted up pictures of fliers, boat outlines, and strings leading to different pictures around the white board and the walls. Moxxie peered closely at his work while holding an I.M.P. file folder. One flier had a picture of a magnifying glass and black footprints.

“Mox…” Millie began. “Are you sure this isn’t a little…much?”

“It’s my first lead, Mils, it has to be…perfect.” Moxxie said “perfect” in an accent. “Now in front of you, you’ll find a comprehensive guide to your cover persona. Memorize it, we’ve got a lot of work to do.”

They used the grimoire to make a portal to enter Earth.

0 0 0

Near a cabin in the woods, several kids were running around, laughing as they squirted each other with water guns. A fat boy walked holding a bag and wore the camp t-shirt with a “C” in a green triangle as the logo. Three preteen girls were sitting at a wooden picnic table. A camp counselor lady with brown hair stood wearing green shorts and a shirt with a whistle around her neck. On a wooden sign with wooden mountains on the top was “CAMP IVANNAKUMMORE.”

Millie and Moxxie stood off to the side with their human disguises. Moxxie wore a short dark blue tube top, torn pink pants, a heart collar, and magenta high boots. He had fake eyelashes and a wig of white ponytails covering his horns. Millie wore shoes, dark gray pants, fingerless gloves, a black shirt with a yellow lightning bolt and a circle on it, plus a wig of long dark hair and a yellow beanie hat.

“Okay, Millie, one last time for safety,” Moxxie said. He straightened up and pulled back his top, his claws covered by fake pink nails.

Moxxie spoke in a girly teenage voice, “I’m Moxxine, the hottest, most popular girl at my school, and you are?” He examined his nails.

Millie spoke in a low voice. “Your boyfriend Millerd, I like sports and fucking bitches!” Millie made thrusting movements.

“Hmm, you know these kids are a bit younger than I was expecting. Maybe lose that last part,” Moxxie mentioned.

“Check!” Millie said in her boyish voice.

“Alright, I think we’re ready,” said Moxxie.

“Hey, Mox!” Millie spoke, pointing ahead. “Check out that shady looking fella over there.”

Moxxie and Millie spied a blonde man with glasses glancing around by the log cabins. He side-walked near the bushes.

“I think that’s our guy.”

“Ahem, Millie,” said Moxxie in a girlish voice, “I hardly think pointing out the first guy you see is the proper way to conduct an…”

Millie peered through her binoculars. “No that’s definitely him. That bag’s full of money and drugs and what looks like a drill one would use to poke holes in a boat.”

Sure enough, the man scooped up the fallen money and needles and hurried off, a drill in his hand.

“But-but that’s all circumstantial at best! We need to methodically eliminate all suspects until we can be sure…”

“Now he’s looking around and heading into that locked boathouse we heard about!” Millie declared.

The man headed inside, peering around to make sure no one was there. Next to him were missing posters of the drowned counselor. “Missing: last seen next to the lake. If you have information please call (xxx) xxx-xxxx.” Another set of red eyes in the cabin glared outside.

“That would be the perfect place to…”

She glanced at Mox before sighing. “Fine, Mox, we’ll do it your way.”

Moxxie grinned. “With my sleuthing skills and your killer eye, we should have this wrapped up in no time. Now we just have to find the kids with the most influence.”

Moxxie spotted the three teen girls sitting at the picnic table.

“Oh, target acquired,” he said in a girly voice. He headed off.

The girl with long orange hair began, “So he snorted a whole line of ground up mints, and tried to convince us he was high. Can you even believe him?”

The girls laughed and Moxxie walked toward them.

“Ground up mints, you say? Derek must be a riot.”

“Who the fuck are you?” asked the leader girl.

“I’m Moxxine, the prettiest girl at my school. A more mature preteen who likes boys, hot cars, fancy jewelry…”

Another girl scoffed, “You call yourself the prettiest when you probably spent three years in a tanning bed.”

“It’s uh, natural?” Moxxie added.

“Yeah, you wish,” said the orange-haired girl. “That botch job looks like it cost five bucks in an alley behind Walmart.”

The other girls snickered.

“Have you seen anyone doing drugs around here?” Moxxie asked.

“Other than you maybe? I don’t think so,” said another girl.

“Get lost you fucking freak!” they all said, pointing off to the left. Moxxie slouched off.

Meanwhile, a volleyball rolled and stopped in front of Millie.

“Hey!” waved a blonde girl to Millie at a volleyball court near the lake.

Millie smiled and decided to play along. She carried the volleyball in her hands and headed down to the campers.

The girls at the picnic table watched as Millie passed the ball to her teammate, a dark-skinned boy.

“Oh my god! Who is that?!”

“Look how beautifully tan he is!” said the leader. The dark-skinned girl blew bubblegum and stood up to get a closer look.

“What?!” Moxxie called in disbelief.

The boy bounced the ball in the air.

“I got it!” called Millie in her boyish voice. She leaped into the air and spiked the ball over the net…

…hitting a blonde boy in the face and sending him crashing to the ground. Everyone gasped as the boy lay in a crumpled Yamcha-like pose in a cracked crater. The coach jumped from his stand and held the wounded boy in his arms.

“That was...” he began…

“…the best spike I’ve ever seen!” Tears were in his eyes.

The kids cheered and lifted Millie into the air.

“Please, I need medical attention…” the boy began.

“First Aid is for WINNERS!” the coach mocked.

All the girls admired Millie.

“Oh my god, he is so fucking HOT!” sighed the red-haired leader girl.

“Oh! Ya know he’s my boyfriend…” Moxxie began.

“FUCK OFF, TROLL!” another girl barked before the girls walked off.

Later, Millie happily leaped from a cliff and jumped from side to side onto wooden boards. She leaped onto a wooden high bar- twirled at rapid speed and shot into the air…

And in a fiery comet, smashed the blonde boy into the ground. Everyone cheered louder.

“Mox! Did you see? I broke the record on the course!”

“Mhmm. I saw.” Moxxie smiled forcefully.

“Can you believe this? Everyone LOVES me, they’re cheering, they even posted videos of me online! Look!”

Heart emojis popped up on her phone after the replay of Millie smashing the kid into the ground. Millie’s phone was red with flame designs on it.

A Millie icon appeared over the bold white lyrics as Millie sang karaoke style, amazed and also unsure of all the rockstar fame she was getting.

“EVERY DAY!

AS I WALK AROUND CAMP

ALL OF THESE GIRLS

FOLLOW ME AROUND

I DON’T KNOW WHY?

OR WHAT COULD IT BE???”

Millie smiled as she got into a group photo. The campers held out their phones for selfies around her. Millie danced with a girl with red hair.

A blonde girl came up close to Millie, wearing a cap with her face on it, a shirt with her face on it and a “MIL #1” orange cardboard glove showing a pointed finger on a hand.

“HEY MILLERD!

HAH!

WILL YOU TAKE A SELFIE WITH ME?!”

Her eyes bulged and her mouth foamed.

The crowd followed Millie and held up a banner that read “Millerd!” on it as they strolled by the cabins. One blonde boy replaced the American flag with a white flag with Millie’s disguised face on it. Millie posed on a picnic table.

“AH-WA-OH!

I’M A REGULAR JOE

AH-WA-OH!

I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW

AH-WA-OH!

I’M SIMPLE AND PLAIN…

WHY DO ALL THESE GIRLS

KEEP SCREAMING MY NAME???”

“MILLERD!”

Millie paddled a canoe and two girls stared admiringly at her. (Moxxie’s canoe tipped over and sunk).

“MILLERD?!”

“AH! MILLERD, I LOVE YOU!”

Millie led a hike and stood on a log, pointing forward. (Moxxie fell into a pit.)

Millie happily sat with two girls by a campfire. (Moxxie’s s’more stick caught on fire and he frantically smashed it around on the ground.)

Millie smiled as she wore gold sunglasses, a white Greek-style outfit and a golden laurel on her head. She relaxed on a lounge chair as girls fanned her with leaves. One fed her purple grapes.

“I’M SO ORDINARY

JUST A COMMON DUDE

BUT THEY’RE ALL UP IN MY DMS

THEY KEEP SENDING ME NUDES?!?”

Even the blonde naked man in the picture stretched out to kiss her, much to her disgust.

“I’M NOTHING SPECIAL

I’LL TELL YOU IT’S TRUE”

The comments appeared in the eight million + viewer video of Millie being awarded seven gold star medals, a trophy, and a Grammy award.

“I LOVE YOU MILLERD! <3”

“I’M NOT OKAY!”

(Flame emojis)

“OMG DESERVED”

“millerd is the best uwu”

“CLICK HERE FOR PRIZE scam.ly”

“I LOVE YOU”

“HE ATE!”

“Sub 2 my channel”

“Hermoso” (heart emoji)

“LOOK AT HIM”

“ILY MILLERD”

“he’s so hottt”

“I love him, I LOVE HIM”

“MILLERD: Sub 2 me pls”

“SLAY KING” (crown emoji)

The blonde super fan girl leaned over and yelled,

“BUT MILLERD, OVER HERE! I BAKED A CAKE FOR YOU!” She held a brown, orange, and white cake with a figure of Millie in her guy disguise on top.

Later as the sun set, an airplane flew overhead with a flag of Millie’s face on it. Her face was also on several blimps in the sky. With a microphone, Millie sang on stage under a large “MILLERD!” banner and more campers took selfies and videos on their phones.

“AH-WA-OH!

I’M A REGULAR JOE!

AH-WA-OH!

I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW!

I’M SO SIMPLE AND PLAIN

I WISH ALL THESE GIRLS…

WOULD STOP SCREAMING MY NAME!”

“OH MILLERD! LOVE YOU, MILLERD!” called the blonde fan girl.

Millie stood proudly on stage, glad to feel appreciated after feeling in competition with her brothers and sister.

0 0 0

TUESDAY: Moxxie climbed to the top of a pine tree, looking for the drug counselor through binoculars. He got hit with a volleyball and fell down from a tree.

WEDNESDAY: Millie led a team of campers canoeing across the lake. Moxxie searched for the suspect, wearing a mask and snorkel. Unfortunately, he got thrashed around by a shark similar to the one from the Harvest Moon Festival.

THURSDAY: Millie successfully shot her arrow through a red apple on a boy’s head as the sky turned a beautiful pink and purple. Moxxie peered through binoculars in a bush, dodging the arrow…but soon screamed as he was being attacked by a black angry bear.

FRIDAY: Posters were passed around, reading, “MILLERD: CAMP IVANNAKUMMORE, July 17th at 7PM.” The coach/lifeguard handed Millie the poster and he winked at her with a finger snap gesture. Millie beamed in excitement.

0 0 0

“OHH MOXXIE! THAT WAS SO FUN! No wonder you sing all the time!”

Millie twirled and laughed as she held a golden bouquet of white daisies in her hands.

“Not exactly a low profile…” Moxxie leaned against a cabin wall, eyes downcast.

“I know…but it’s kinda nice having people cheer for me for once, ya know? Instead of…”

She dramatically ripped the bouquet and opened her jaws, “…screaming in PAIN and HORROR!”

“Don’t forget what we’re here to do, Millie,” Moxxie reminded her, clapping a fist against his other hand.

“I haven’t. I’m just waitin’ until you’re ready. Have you been able to eliminate any suspects?”

“No.”

Millie held up two worn daggers. “If you want, we can off the guy right now! I think he’s alone in the cabin…”

She wandered forward.

“No!” Moxxie pulled her back. “I have to do this right.”

Moxxie swore under his breath as “BITCH” was spray-painted in black on his tent nearby.

0 0 0

Later that night by the campfire, Millie did an epic banjo solo. She leaped over the fire and posed on her knees as everyone cheered.

(EPIC BANJO SOLO)

(MILLERD IS REAL COOL)

(WOW, YOU GONNA CRY, MOXXINE? CRINGE.) (NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, MOXXINE)

Moxxie raced off and cried in an outhouse. Millie walked in the dark to the outhouse. Moxxie pulled out stickers and thorns in his pants.

“Moxxie? You okay?”

“GO AWAY!” Moxxie sobbed.

“Moxxie, what’s going on?”

“I’ve been having the worst luck imaginable! First, I try to eliminate any suspects and make it a perfect methodical mission. But everything is going wrong. I can’t find the guy! And all the girls hate me…and they all love you!”

“What’s wrong with that?”

Moxxie cried.

“Hey, you’re the best assassin/musician/preteen girl I know,” Millie encouraged.

“And investigator?”

“And investigator.”

Millie reached through the crescent moon window and touched Moxxie’s nails. “I know it’s been tough. Just keep playing to your strengths.”

“Okay,” said Moxxie. “Thank you.” Moxxie came out of the outhouse, facing Millie. Millie smiled.

“I have good news! Look Mox!” She held the poster in her hands, showing it to him. “They want me to perform on stage tomorrow tonight for the local news! These videos have made me some kind of human celebrity!” A pink bird flew happily around Millie’s head. Millie then gasped as several red-eyed crows attacked Moxxie around his head. He swatted the cawing birds away until they flew off.

Moxxie’s anger and frustration finally bubbled to the surface. “I’ve heard enough from you! And I’ve had enough of this place! Most of all, the attention you’re getting all the time is annoying!”

“Mox, what are you talking about? There’s no reason to be jealous of me!”

“Well, I am, alright?!” Moxxie sobbed again. “Being the son of a mob boss, you get used to the attention. And instead of focusing on the mission, you get distracted by swooning fangirls and dance for views!”

“What?! I only let the mission go this long, so I could do it YOUR WAY!” Millie retorted. “We could’ve completed this mission faster if you had just listened to me and let me finish off the guy in the beginning!”

“It was my first lead mission! I wanted it to be perfect!” Moxxie spat back.

Millie stomped toward him. “Well don’t blame me for it! It doesn’t matter how many views I get. What matters is how I feel about myself!”

She wiped tears from her eyes. “And for once, I feel like I’m…I’m important! Like I’m someone to be proud of! Not just some country girl blending in with her siblings.”

She stomped forward. “And I had hoped that my husband would support me better HALF as much as I’ve supported HIM this week! I’m not just your momma, you know!”

“Millie…I didn’t mean…”

“SAVE IT, MOX! Finish the job, go home if you want, I’m having my moment to shine, with or without you!”

Millie raced off in the dark, the Millerd flier floating to the ground.

“Oh crumbs…”

0 0 0

Later that night, the same night Blitzo entered the human world…

Millie peered through the red curtains at the crowd cheering for her.

“You ready to go on, champ?” asked the coach/lifeguard, holding a clipboard and holding out his pen.

“I guess…”

“Great, now get out there and put Camp IVANNAKUMMORE on the MAP!”

He lowered his sunglasses over his eyes and posed. More campers and kids cheered, wearing merchandise shirts and hats. The blonde super fan girl held a sign that read “MARRY ME, MILLERD!”

Millie took a breath and stepped onto the stage. More fans cheered, two of them were crying and hugging each other, waving a Millerd flag. A cameraman stood near the top off to the side. Millie flinched as a spotlight shone on her.

“Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls!” called a girlish voice. Moxxie rose up onto the stage from the floor and held a microphone. “ARE YOU READY FOR A SHOOOOOW?!”

The crowed booed and an African American girl yelled, “GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE!” Another girl flipped him the bird on both hands. Another yelled, “KILL YOURSELF, NERD!”

Moxxie continued. “I am very proud to introduce to you…someone with abilities never before seen on this Earth…”

Millie held her hands to her heart, smiling at Moxxie.

“Someone with the raw athletic skill of an Olympian…” Moxxie looked at her and smiled. “The voice of an angel…the acrobatic techniques of an indentured twelve-year old Russian ballerina…”

Millie waved her hands, saying “enough!”

“And a body that JUST. DOESN’T. QUIT.”

A few boys looked at each other, confused and disgusted at Moxxie’s butt.

Moxxie turned around and cleared his throat nervously. “The best and most supportive person I’ve ever known, and the love of my life. My wife…uhhhh boyfriend….Millerd!”

Millie sighed in relief as Moxxie headed her the microphone.

“Thank you,” said Millie.

“Knock’em dead, baby,” Moxxie grinned.

“Speaking of…” Millie added, as she spotted two figures heading toward a cabin with a bag.

“You sure?” Moxxie asked.

“Go get’em baby,” Millie smiled. They touched their heads and nuzzled.

Moxxie smiled as he pushed his way through the crowd, who glared at him. Millie did a Squidward/sexy look with her face and the crowd exploded with cheers. The show began.

Millie juggled four axes in her hands, much to the crowd’s amusement. She threw an ax into a target. Another ax hit a tree, which sent a beehive falling…

…into the blonde boy in the ground, who screamed in futility.

Millie then sat on a stool, holding a red triangular electric guitar in her hands. She began her song and stood up in a pose. She did a “rocker” hand signal as columns of sparks blasted upwards from the front of the stage.

Millie began her 80’s style rock anthem.

“OOOOH YOU’VE GOT THE POWER!

WAOOOOH!

OOOO! YOU’VE GOT THE POWER!”

Millie played a set of red drums, then yelled “YEAH!” as she strummed her guitar.

“A TALE AS OLD AS ROCK AND ROLL

WHEN YOU WIN, YOU’RE THE BEST

YOU WORK UNTIL YOU REACH THE GOAL FROM WITHIN

THAT’S THE TEST! WOAH! WOAH!

YOU FIGHT UNTIL YOU REACH THE TOP

TO RUB IT IN THEIR FACE! WOAH! WOAH!

YOU LOVE SO HARD, YOUR FLESH EXPLODES!

AND YOU WIN THE FUCKIN’ RAAAAAACE!”

She slammed the guitar down on the stage as white fireworks boomed.

She then spun black nun chucks in her hands.

“OOOOO! YOU’VE GOT THE POWER!”

Millie did a fighting pose as an explosion boomed behind her. A girl screamed as her hair caught on fire as the crowd did rocker signs and cheered.

“OOOOO! YOU’VE GOT THE POWER! WOOOAH!

“A HEAT SO HOT IT BURNS YOUR HOLE LIKE A FIRE WHEN YOU PEE!”

Millie breathed fire to light a torch and held a sword in her other hand. She swallowed the sword and it went down her throat point-first. She dropped her torch and dive-bombed into the crowd of kids. They all held her in the air as she strummed her guitar again.

“THE INNER FLAME INSIDE YOUR SOUL MAKES YOU CRY…VICTORY!

YOU FLEX YOUR CHEEKS UNTIL IT HURTS

YOU BUST OUT OF YOUR JEANS! WOAH! WOAH!

YOU BLOW YOUR LOAD ON ALL YOUR FOES!

AND DROWN OUT ALL THEIR SCREAMS!”

Millie jumped back on stage.

“OOOOH! YOU’VE GOT THE POWER!” Two streams of fire shot off to the left of Millie as she played. “WOAH!”

The coach smiled with his arms folded…until he got incinerated by the flames.

“OOOOH! YOU’VE GOT THE POWER! WOAH!”

More fireworks shot into the air and a red and yellow rocket flew off into the distance.

Millie smiled and posed on the stage, arms outstretched as the audience applauded. She bowed, before she saw Moxxie walk up to the stage, blood staining his wig. She walked over to him.

“Looks like you did it,” she said, referring to the death of the drug counselor killer.

“No…you did it,” Moxxie added, lifting her hands into his.

“I’m so proud of you, Millie,” Moxxie smiled. He looked to the side. “And I’m sorry I let you down.”

Millie picked him up in a hug and twirled him around. “Just don’t do it again, dummy!”

They kissed hard on stage until someone shouted, “Get a fucking room, high school sweethearts!”

Moxxie and Millie laughed and raced off into the bushes for some sexual privacy. The last thing they needed was to be infamous online for a scandalous public display of what many would assume to be incest.

0 0 0

Back at the I.M.P office, the whiteboard was covered in various drawings. “DIE” was written over a drawing of Loona killing the goat demon who had given her the shot at the vet’s office. “Days since last fuck up: 0” was written near small pony drawings. “Productivity brainstorm: CUM” was written off to the side.

“Gonna be honest, Moxxie,” said Blitzo, not too bad for your first solo mission.” He sipped hot coffee from a blood-stained white mug with “BOSS BITCH” on it.

Moxxie’s eyes sparkled and he gasped. “Reeeeally siiiir?”

“Nooo, no not really,” Blitzo deadpanned. “You’re a fucking disgrace.”

Moxxie slumped in disappointment as Millie glared at Blitzo. Loona was fast asleep on the table.

Part Two: Meet Barbie Wire

Back in the Sloth Ring, the sky a pale pink, Blitzo peered around a corner of the St. Ann’s (Satan’s) hospital. A thick canopy tree with giant yellow eyes in the leaves and a wavy purple trunk stood in the background. Seeing the coast was clear, he darted past a window. He wore his usual work outfit with a dark suit, dark boots and a torn dark blue cape trailing behind him. He raced across the grounds and climbed up a white downspout and inched his way, carefully sideways to the windows on the second floor. In the sky were floating trees on rocks and a few buildings. Blitzo peered inside and spotted silver Venus fly trap plants.

He lifted up the window, straining to get his horns through it…

“Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on…”

He rolled haphazardly inside…

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!”

…and landed on a heap on the tile floor. A poster with a happy cloud on it with a thumbs-up read “Enjoy your stay!” There was a nearby bookshelf, a pool table, a few red cloud-shaped couches, and Venus fly trap plants filled the room. Overhead was a chandelier of glowing lavender orbs, the lights producing a soothing atmosphere.

Blitzo was hoisting himself up when…

ZAP!

With a yell, the imp got tasered in the back. His butt stood up in the air.

“Well, if it isn’t the deadbeat,” scoffed a voice from behind him.

Blitzo stood up, brushing himself off. “Well, if it isn’t nurse pussy-face,” he responded.

The demon nurse stood with a hand on her hip, wearing a teal uniform. She had a nametag, and a pocket with the upside-down cross logo on it with a heart pencil and pen inside. She was heavyset, with floppy ears, pink skin, short dark hair and pointed black horns with white stripes. Her eyes were teal, her eyebrow thick and she had lipstick and a sideways mouth with sharp teeth. Like other denizens in Sloth, she had a candle at the top of her head and a pointed tail.

“You ain’t gettin’ in here,” she said to Blitzo, folding her arms. “How many times do I have to sodomize you with a taser before you take a hint?”

“As many as it takes to get me off, now enough with this foreplay, where’s Barb?”

“She checked out months ago, but that ain’t none of your business,” said the nurse.

“Wait, what?” Blitzo asked in shock. “How? This is…wh-where the fuck did she go?”

“Yeah, like I’m gonna tell you, ass clown,” she barked, holding up the taser in warning.

“You know I kill people for a living, right bitch?”

“Oh, I’m so FUCKIN’ scared,” she sarcastically responded.

“Ugh, fine,” Blitzo scoffed, stomping over toward the window.

“Blitz, she’s got a job now, a life,” mentioned the nurse. “Don’t fuck it up by finding her.”

Blitzo rolled his eyes as he climbed out the window. “Oh, that’s nice, why don’t you take that advice and shove it right between your pussy liiiipppps!”

Blitzo screamed as he fell to the ground. Amazingly, he survived.

0 0 0

Blitzo stomped in frustration into his office at I.M.P Headquarters, ignoring his employees. At his desk, Blitzo was talking on his cellphone and browsing on his red laptop. The logo on the laptop was a glowing white demon head. “RIDE ME” was written on Blitzo’s cellphone cover. There were two ads on the screen: one showed a pink succubus with her bare butt showing over blue flames. “Lusttinder (Tinder page for the Lust Ring, an app made by Asmodeus), “You’re right, your husband’s cock IS too small, find a bigger one NOW!"

And the other ad on Gaggle/Google: “CLICK ON THIS AD AND GET $100M! I’M NOT FUCKING WITH YOU DUDE, FOR THE LOVE OF SATAN JUST CLICK IT!”

Blitzo spotted Barbie Wire’s profile page. It had no profile picture and it read: “BARBIE WIRE: currently looking for work! Just got outta rehab. Previous Experience in a circus (performer). 217 followers. Barbie hasn’t posted recently. Experience: Acrobatics, Endurance, Stealth, Improv, Labor.”

“Why the fuck wouldn’t she tell you where she was going?! I mean did you even ask?! Wait hold on, I’m getting another call…hellooooo!” He paused. “Oh good, did you find…really? Where? Thanks, and I promise if we ever get a contract on your children, we’ll make it quick and painless…BYEEEE!”

Blitzo raced past his employees.

Meanwhile, In the Sloth Ring, Blitzo entered a room where pill bottles were stored on shelves. The wallpaper was pink and decorated with designs of hearts, pills, and health crosses. The double glass doors had a pill icon on them. The white-haired incubus was scrolling on his phone when Blitzo slipped up to the desk. He held out his phone with a picture of his sister on it.

“Hi, I’m looking for one of your employees. Her name is Barbie. Does she work here?”

“Wait, what? Who are you?” the incubus glared.

Blitzo grabbed him by his shirt and slammed him against the wall.

“Someone who’s gonna get reeeal creative if you don’t tell him what he wants!” Blitzo barked. He slapped the incubus on the face with his pointed tail. “Where is she, fucknut?”

Blitzo pressed harder. “I know you know! It only gets worse from here, asshole!”

The incubus raised his white hands. “Okay! Okay! She’s out on a pickup!”

Blitzo lowered him. “Where?”

“In the Lust Ring!”

So Blitzo traveled to the Lust Ring and slammed a smaller incubus against an alley wall. “Have a Robo Fizz personal companion!” was advertised on a flier. Another poster read in neon pink letters, “Welcome to the LUST RING! Have an eXXXtraordinary stay!”

“It’s here man, I swear!” cried the small incubus to Blitzo.

Blitzo raised his flintlock pistol threateningly and held it under his chin. “Open it!”

The long black-haired incubus raised his hands and pulled out a large crystal on a ring. It was a magical Asmodean crystal, used by succubi and incubi under Asmodeus to travel to Earth to torment humans. The incubus pointed the crystal and a diamond shimmering portal appeared to a forest on Earth.

“Thanks, chump,” Blitzo grinned. He tossed the incubus away (he fell into a dumpster) and jumped through the portal.

0 0 0

Moxxie peered over the bushes and spied on two figures entering the cabin and closing the door. Moxxie turned around and made his way through them. He stumbled downward and landed on…

“What in the…SIR?!”

…the back of his boss.

Blitzo shoved Moxxie off him.

“MOXXIE?! What the fuck are you doing here?!”

“Trying to finish the job you gave me,” Moxxie replied.

“Christ on a stick, you’re still working on that? It’s been like a fucking week. THIS is why I don’t trust you with dick, Mox,” Blitzo remarked.

Moxxie followed Blitzo and both of them snuck up to the cabin. They pressed their back against the wall.

“And what exactly are you doing here, sir?”

“Apparently helping finish your botched job,” Blitzo glared. “But mostly I’m looking for my sister…”

Knowing the killer camp counselor lurked inside, Blitzo kicked down the door. There was a small green boat in the middle of the water. Near the “Missing” fliers were packs of drugs stacked on top of each other off to the side. Sunlight shone through the holes in a cloth over an opening.

Sure enough, the counselor was there, looking like a surprised innocent white nerd. He had dirty blonde short hair, glasses, a small beard, and wore a camp cap, brown shorts, brown boots, and a green shirt.

But he was not alone. A slender woman stood behind him, wearing a short torn black sleeveless jacket and a torn dress with red and white stripes on it. She wore dark tall boots and a gold watch on her right wrist. Her fingers were claws and some white lines and Xs scarred her light brown arms. The woman’s hair was a reddish brown with two large ponytails that curled inward like horns. Blitzo spotted the black Mammon circus mark on her forehead, crossed out by a white X. It was the same mark that Blitzo, Fizzarolli and his family had on their foreheads.

As soon as he spotted the crossed-out mark, he knew who it was.

“BARBIE?!” Blitzo asked in shock.

“BLITZ?!” Barbie Wire cried, equally surprised.

“You know her?” Moxxie asked.

“Do I know her? That’s my sister, fuckface!” Blitzo replied.

“What the fuck are you doing here, shithead?!” Barbie barked.

“I should be asking you the same thing!” Blitzo fired back. “You check yourself out of rehab, no call, no note…and I have to track you down to this shithole with…” he paused, looking at the man. “…who the fuck is this?”

Barbie put a hand over his face. “No one, he works for me. And who’s the little twink here?” She looked at Moxxie.

Blitzo covered Moxxie’s face with his hand. “No one…he works for me.”

“Sir! That guy’s the target!” Moxxie called.

Blitzo smirked and folded his arms. “Oh shit, Barb! Looks like your little boy toy got himself into some trouble.”

“The fuck are you talking about?” Barbie asked.

“He killed our client and now our client wants to kill him back,” Moxxie explained. Blitzo nodded.

Barbie turned to the man in anger. “You fucking WHAT?!”

The man shrugged. “He found out about your drugs.”

Barbie waved a hand. “I don’t want to fucking hear it, kid!” She turned to Blitzo and Moxxie, pointing. “Look, you’re not killing my supplier!”

Blitzo put a hand to his head. “Oh fuck…supplier of what? You’re not back on that H-8 are you?” Blitzo pointed an accusing finger. Moxxie pulled out a worn dagger.

Barbie rolled her eyes. “FUCK NO, it’s just heroin!”

“Oh thank, Satan,” Blitzo sighed. “So now you’re peddling heroin? What’s the point? That shit barely gets rid of a headache.”

The three individuals stepped closer toward the middle of the space, save for the man who hid behind the drugs.

“It’s honest work, okay?” Barbie said. “And I thought it would be sure to keep me as far away from you as possible.”

Moxxie waved his knife. “And you teamed up with genius here because…?”

“Do you have any idea how easy teenage humans are to manipulate?” Barbie smirked, mentioning to her partner.

“Heeey! No, I’m not!” the man protested.

Barbie turned to him, widening her eyes. She moved her butt seductively, showing her black underwear, and spoke in a babyish voice.

“Oh Jimmy-wimmy, can you pwease keep loading up deez druggie-wuggies for me?”

Jimmy blushed, raising his eyebrows. “Heh, sure Barb. Whatever you say.”

“Sir…” Moxxie fumed to Blitzo. “I’ve spent a week on this…” He held up his knife. “I’m finishing it, one way or another…”

Barbie stepped forward, sharp teeth bared, her eyes briefly glowing white. “DON’T YOU DARE!”

The four of them then got into a brawl. After briefly noticing the fireworks outside, Moxxie growled and leaped toward Jimmy with his weapon. Jimmy flinched as Moxxie was thrown into the water by Barbie’s long pointed tail. Barbie pressed a button on her Asmodean Crystal and she morphed into her demon imp form. Her skin was red and her horns were black and curved with small white stripes.

“Come on Blitzo,” she mocked, using the “o” in his name on purpose to annoy him, “…Haven’t you fucked my life up enough already?!”

Moxxie reached out a hand and crawled out of the water toward Jimmy. Barbie pulled him back with her tail and he fell into her. He landed some fists near her face. The frightened Jimmy hoped over the drugs and raced toward the door. He frantically pulled on the knot holding the cloth and flinched back as Moxxie’s dagger hit the spot where he had been.

Barbie was chocking Moxxie and Blitzo was choking Barbie as they struggled to free themselves. Moxxie fell to the ground and Barbie held him down with a hand. She punched his head before Blitzo removed her hand. Moxxie crawled away from Barbie and raced toward Jimmy. He leaped off the boat and lunged for him. He punched him in the face before Barbie raced over and attempted to start the boat. Moxxie knocked her off to the side and moved Jimmy’s head toward the deadly motor blades of the boat. Barbie knocked Moxxie down with a hard punch to his head. Blitzo retaliated by pulling his sister up in a headlock.

Moxxie attempted to catch Jimmy again, the man screaming in fear. Barbie tackled Moxxie to the ground in midair. Moxxie stood up, accidentally stepping onto Blitzo’s head. Barbie leaned back and pulled hard at Moxxie’s wig. Jimmy shivered with fear further back. Blitzo’s eyes were swollen and he took tired breaths. Moxxie choked Jimmy again as Barbie growled and jabbed him in the face with her elbow. Eventually, Moxxie was thrown against the wall, eye makeup melting around his eyes. He pulled his knife from the wall and stalked toward Jimmy once again, teeth barred. As Jimmy stepped back, Barbie cut in front of Moxxie, landing punches of her own while dodging his knife. She also shoved Jimmy aside. She punched Moxxie in the face, holding his wrist and he jabbed her in the abdomen. The knife fell and he grabbed it. Moxxie was about to grab him when Barbie tackled him from behind. Barbie held Moxxie down as Blitzo shoved Jimmy into the water.

Not too long after, Barbie choked Blitzo near the steps. Moxxie had a cut on his forehead, staring with menace at Jimmy. With a bloodied mouth, Jimmy pleaded for mercy. Barbie tackled Moxxie again before he could reach him. All three imps growled and tugged at each other, while Jimmy crept up the steps. He grabbed a package of heroin and threw it into the imps. Their eyes turned black and they roared primal roars. Jimmy stood on the boat in fear. In a split second he spotted the firework rocket heading toward him through a window…

BOOM!

Jimmy’s head exploded and the imps got rained in blood.

“SATAN FUCKING DAMMIT!” Barbie bellowed in rage. “Thanks a lot, Blitzo, I’m out of a job! FUCK!”

She stomped off.

“Barb, wait!” Blitzo cried, wanting to make amends. “I want to help you…let me help you. Please? You’re clean now, right? Let’s grab dinner, we’ll catch up and we’ll talk about…”

Barbie let out a forced laugh and turned back to her brother. “You don’t fucking GET IT!” She jabbed her finger into his chest. “Just cause I’m outta rehab, doesn’t mean I wanna see you. I NEVER WANNA see you EVER!”

Barbie marched off and pressed her Asmodean Crystal. A shimmering diamond portal appeared, leading back to the Sloth Ring. She stepped through it and peered out.

“Next time you wanna find me Blitzo…DON’T!”

She vanished and the portal closed. Blitzo stood heartbroken and Moxxie had his head in his hands. Blood covered the floors, walls, and the imps. Blitzo couldn’t believe after all the time he spent searching for her, she had vanished again. What had he done to hurt her so horribly?

Chapter Text

Part 1: Routine

The sky in the Lust Ring of Hell was a deep navy blue, with thin dark lavender clouds shaped like hearts. The usual raindrops fell in their steady rhythm onto the metropolis below. Neon lights on skyscrapers revealed various sexual symbols that stood out in the dark: pink hearts, blue phalluses, green breast shapes, red Xs’, red hearts, and a purple windmill. Towering above the other buildings was the phallus-like pink penthouse palace of Asmodeus. Strings of lights decorated the top and giant cock feathers of pink, white, and teal intertwined around the structure.

Inside the palace was a spacious room, with windows that allowed for a great view of the city. Off to the side was a blue couch and a coffee table with a lamp of blue flames on it. There was a dresser and vanity mirror near a small bookshelf. Thick navy-blue curtains were draped overhead throughout the room. Under a round pink spotlight was Asmodeus sleeping in his round red bed decorated with round lights and a flame design. There were small pink drapes attached to hooks over the bed and long transparent curtains around the bed for display. Lit up stairs led to the raised bed and a closet cabinet. There was also a pentagram structure for decoration.

Under a light blue blanket with white hearts on it, lay the King of Lust himself, shirtless with hairy armpits, a purple muscular chest, teal heart nipples and his three heads of a ram, a bull, and a rooster. He had a crown of rooster feathers on his head and tail, and his two smaller horned heads on the side were somewhat obscured by his mane of teal hair. The robotic imp jester Fizzarolli was lying peacefully on Asmodeus’ chest.

Nearby was a grand ornate fireplace with teal blue flames creating heart shapes. Small candles on the mantle also had teal blue flames. There was another couch, books on raised stands, and a clock with Roman numerals with a gold heart design in the middle.

The cuckoo-clock activated, and a robotic red bird sprang from the device, unsheathing a metal point where its cock would be. From underneath the covers, Fizzarolli’s yellow-red eyes popped open. With a quick strike from one of his robotic arms, Fizzarolli punched through the bird, breaking it apart in wires and sparks. He extended both his arms into another room. Walking with thick thigh-high black leggings and high heels with hearts on them was a red succubus maid with dark hair in a thick bang. She wore a white apron and was carrying a pile of pink towels in her hands. She had red skin, a pointed tail, small black horns, and black bat wings. Behind her was a purple couch with a pillow and purple gear wallpaper.

The startled succubus dropped her towels and jumped back as Fizzarolli’s robotic arms shot past her. They looped over a gear-themed chandelier and into the kitchen. The wallpaper was purple with the heart/ram Asmodeus crest on it. Fizzarolli shakenly poured hot coffee into a mug that read “Thirsty boy.” (With a red pointed tail after the “Y.”) The coffee spilled on his hands and on the counter, but that didn’t bother him. He retracted his arms, causing the succubus to spin and stumble, and finally placed the coffee onto the dresser.

He picked up a horn-shaped jester wig to cover what was left of his horns and placed it on his head. Along with the wigs on display was a small picture of Fizzarolli’s white pet fly-dog. He smiled and posed as he got dressed, his pointed tail sticking out. Standing on his robotic legs, he soon was wearing a light greenish striped jester outfit, complete with pink bells on his horns. He had a pink heart on his forehead for decoration. His skin was scarred and white, except for a spot on his nose and at the back of his neck. Reaching over, Fizzarolli happily gulped down the hot coffee in the kettle, licking his lips with a forked tongue.

Fizzarolli whooped with delight as he jumped into the air and extended his limbs to support himself in the air. Smiling down at his partner, he laughed and called in his robotic Beetlejuice voice, “Rise and shine, Ozzie!”

He got out a red horn attached to a canister, shook it, and pressed a button. The airhorn sound woke Asmodeus up with a start as Fizzarolli laughed.

Asmodeus groaned and put his pillow over his head. “Ugh…Again with the horn…?”

Fizzarolli appeared next to him wearing 3D glasses and a long schedule list in his hands. “Don’t blame me, blame how fuckin’ fun they are!” He blasted the airhorn again and sat up.

“Mmkay, so today you have a meeting with the distributor about the new shipment of vvvibrators. Then you gotta host a safety meeting because of what happened with the old shipment of vvvvvibrators, and then you have a nooner with Prince Stolas.”

Asmodeus yawned, got out of bed, and stretched as he pulled a red housecoat from a hook and put it on. “Ahh, you scheduled me during lunch?”

Fizzarolli bowed and smirked. “Well, you’re pretty good at…”

He crept up and tightened the sash around Asmodeus’ waist, revealing his buttocks underneath… “…squeezing things in.” He eyed Asmodeus’ buttocks with a smirk.

Fizzarolli hoped onto Asmodeus’ shoulder and added in a sing-song voice, “But I left time for a big ol’ breakfast!”

Asmodeus playfully rolled his eyes. “Let me guess; I’m handling that, too?”

Fizzarolli lowered himself to the ground with his legs.

“I mean…unless you want me to take a crack at cooking again.”

Asmodeus laughed and then did a deadpan, “No. Never again.”

“Whaaaat? Maybe I could burn the milk this time!”

“Stooop,” Asmodeus responded playfully.

Fizzarolli hoped onto his shoulder again.

“OH! You know what I’m craving? Burgers!”

“No! It’s too early for burgers, you maniac!” Asmodeus responded with a grin.

“Burger time! Burger time! Burger time!” Fizzarolli chanted as they walked into the kitchen. They both laughed and leaned their heads together in a heart shape.

Asmodeus hummed as he made breakfast in the kitchen. The kitchen had a stove, cabinets decorated with sunset-colored panels, pots and pans, a small table with stools on a red and gold rug, and a gold sink faucet with handles.

Fizzarolli stretched his way over to the counter and picked up a magazine. “LUST RING NEWS: We have the horny!” There was an ad “Call for breast implants!” with a female imp with large round exposed breasts. An ad that showed red, yellow, and green tubes with monster faces read “Wally Wackford’s Wacky Waving Inflatable Flailing Tubes, order today!” Another ad showed locations for condoms in vending machines and “Brand New!” condoms in various designs. On the back of a magazine was a picture of a naked red succubus, being tangled in a leash of her fly-like dog; “Win steamy vacays in the Sloth Ring!”. There was also a “sexi crossword puzzle.”

“Lust’s biggest and ballsiest shop for all the grown-up fun times is about to have one of its hottest blow-out sales yet! The proprietor, a curious relocator from the Sloth Ring tells us that no one knows the bedroom quite intimately like a Sloth Ring demon…”

A large picture showed Fizzarolli and Asmodeus hugging in each other’s arms. The main blue headline read boldly: “KING OF OZZ A HYPOCRITE?!” The teal O’s were shaped like eyes. “King of Lust drops off…into romance??? Witnesses and new photos showing their sickenly lovey-dovey acts are revealed!” The front of the magazine showed another photo of the couple, Fizzarolli holding one of his pet fly-dogs. “Royal Scandal Special! SHOCKING NEW PHOTOS EMERGE! Lust’s eternal bachelor and Hell’s most famous jester co-habiting. Heart hoarded by an imp?”

“Tongues wagging and hearts breaking today as shocking new photos emerge of Asmodeus, the study sin of lust engaged in elicit kandooling with long ‘business partner’ Fizzarolli, ex-performer from the now disbanded all-imp circus as well as the face (and body) of everyone’s favorite personal companion bot Robo-Fizz! Mammon’s favored bot has seemed to bedazzle our own Asmodeus…”

Fizzarolli’s face fell, and he soon crumbled up the magazine and tossed it into a nearby trash can. Fizzarolli snuck behind the humming Asmodeus, tossed the trash can out the window and fell onto the floor.

“WHOA!”

Asmodeus glanced at Fizzarolli, and he did a quick pose and a wave. A demon screamed from outside after the trash can fell. There was a golden vinyl record player on a shelf, a gear chandelier, and a big screen TV in the living room.

Asmodeus opened the fridge to see all kinds of food and drink: a death-by-chocolate cake with a strawberry on top, a pitcher of fruit punch and ice, eggs from a fire-breathing red chicken, juicy 100% juice cartoon, butter, cream pie whipped cream, lemons, and other sweets.

Asmodeus and Fizzarolli soon had plates with their morning breakfast: bacon, and eggs. Fizzarolli popped a piece of jelly toast into his mouth. “Yeah, yeah, I know I can pick up some more milk while I’m out today,” Fizzarolli smiled.

“About that…” Asmodeus added, as he gave Fizzarolli his breakfast plate. “You’re still going to that contest rehearsal…without me?”

Fizzarolli ate some egg and bacon. “Well y-you have a packed day today…and I know you aren’t big on the whole Mammon thing, sooo…”

“It’s the Greed Ring…” Asmodeus mentioned. “One of the cities is literally called, ‘Ransom.’ Quite dangerous.”

Fizzarolli waved a hand. “Ah! You worry too much. You know I ain’t afraid of ropes. ‘Sides, I’m…”

He slid to the side, “…slippery.”

Asmodeus smirked. “I mean only after I…”

“What?” Fizzarolli turned around with food in his mouth.

“What?” Asmodeus repeated. Both of them blushed as they briefly thought of their sexual fantasies.

Fizzarolli broke the silence. “C’mon Ozz! I can be on my own ONE day!”

Asmodeus looked at Fizzarolli with concern and took his plate to wash it in the sink. “But you haven’t been to the Greed Ring alone since becoming Mam’s big brand-figure.”

“Yeah, I guess, but it’s not like I’m gonna stick around!”

Asmodeus scratched the back of his neck. “I can get you an escort.”

“Ah! I can handle it!” Fizzarolli protested. “C’mon big daddy!” He widened his eyes into puppy-dog eyes, pink hearts sparkling. “PWEEEASE??”

Asmodeus snorted and laughed. “Well, you know I can’t say no to a face that cute.”

Fizzarolli playfully poked him on the nose. “Mhm! That’s why I use it!”

Asmodeus leaned his head against Fizzarolli’s back and seductively put a finger under his partner’s chin. Fizzarolli wobbled in delight. “Just try to stay out of trouble, Fizzie-frog,” Asmodeus mused, twirling Fizzarolli’s tail on his finger and snapping it back.

Fizzarolli gently pushed Asmodeus’ furry face away. “Ah! Stop it!”

“Nooo!” Asmodeus mused.

Both of them giggled as the giant king picked up the imp in a hug and spun him around.

“Ozz!” called a succubus woman with round glasses thick white hair, pink skin, a white skirt, and a black shirt. She came into the room, carrying boxes with Mammon’s jester logo on them. “I have the new shipment of…”

She paused in confusion as she spotted Fizzarolli in Asmodeus’ arms.

“Ya mind?!” Fizzarolli asked in annoyance. “Trying to have an un-emotional bang-sesh here!”

Asmodeus made a show of slamming Fizzarolli onto the kitchen table. “YEAH! ‘Cuz we’re so NOT in love!” A crystal and bowl crashed to the floor.

“YEAH!” Fizzarolli added. “LOVE. IS STUPID!”

The succubus placed the boxes down and glanced in suspicion before leaving the room and closing the door.

“Whew!” breathed Fizzarolli. “That was close, huh?”

Asmodeus sighed as Fizzarolli slipped out from underneath him. “Just come right back when it’s over and keep your phone on ya, okay?” Asmodeus told Fizzarolli.

Fizzarolli gave a thumbs up and a finger snap and reached out to grab his cell phone with a round yellow smiling keychain attached to it. “Got it riiight here! Be riiight back after!” He poured himself some coffee into a “Daddy Juice” cup with hearts on it and drank from it. There were nearby cookies shaped like penises and round holes to resemble vaginas. “Don’t worry, Ozz! I’ll be super low-key. Nobody will notice me!”

Asmodeus folded his arms and shook his head as Fizzarolli finished his drink and slinked his way out the door. The king placed his fingers on his head. He knew that Fizzarolli loved being the center of attention…and that almost always led to trouble. Asmodeus sighed as he looked at the rest of his long schedule. It was too late to change his mind about letting his partner go off on his own. Now it was time to start his usual day.

0 0 0

*Willy Wank-a dildo factory noises*

In a factory in the Lust Ring, (Big Ozzie’s Factory) a red heart-shaped machine opened up to reveal freshly made dildos, with steam coming out from the lower part of the heart-shaped container. The dildos in the container lowered to the level of an assembly line of succubus and incubus workers below. A round bot with bat wings and metal spider-like legs carried a metal box of dildo devices throughout the area. Below were several trucks decorated with devil horns on the top. Workers were putting the sex toys into crates and loading them up into the trucks. Overhead on a balcony, a succubus with white curly hair was examining machine blueprints.

Succubi and incubi of all shapes and sizes stood in line wearing all-body black hazmat suits, gloves, and protective goggles. Plastic protected their black bat wings. A heart shaped opening in their bodysuits only revealed a small part of their pink skin. Several succubi wore high-heel pink boots. A fellow incubus lifted a heavy metal crate filled with dildos, vibrators, and a metal phallus-shaped test vibrator.

In the art section of the factory, a smiling succubus with white curly hair was painting a dildo a bunch of rainbow colors. A small black case of paints was next to her. Another worker grinned as he spray-painted another dildo purple. An incubus carried a bucket of dildos overhead. An older incubus was talking to the painter succubus.

Nearby in a large caldron, another succubus was pouring chemicals from a hose into the caldron while another one poured liquid from a tan barrel with a black hazard symbol on it. Pink smoke wafted through the air. An incubus and a succubus laughed as they played with teal and magenta dildos in a swordfight. Another worker took notes on a notepad.

The incubus from earlier placed the test vibrator onto the moving conveyor belt where more workers with face masks and transparent caps over their horns examined the sizes of the dildos.

“Larger, you can never be too large,” Ozzie told one of the workers with a laugh. “You can never be too large.” A succubus in a hazmat bodysuit grabbed the test vibrator and flew off. More workers were gathered around the balconies, talking, relaxing, and examining the giant glass tubes and climax-inducing concoctions cooking in the corners.

Surrounded by ten workers hovering in the air, Asmodeus examined two large blueprints for the test vibrator. Asmodeus wore his usual black top hat, high heel dark boots and striped suit, with white stripes that seemed to glow in dark places. Some of the workers wore white lab coats near an area labeled “Test Chamber.” “Hm…smaller, smaller,” Asmodeus mentioned as he pointed at the designs. “Hit the spot right there. Oh, that’s good. I like…oh I like that…that’s good, mhm!”

The succubus arrived with the metal test vibrator device.

Asmodeus walked around as he read another blueprint. “New Shipment of Vibrators, Test Sample N. 2.0. Share your orgasm hell-wide! Fingering synergy, soft touch, massive, 78 inch.” Along with numerical formulas, the blueprint showed a giant device that could send out energy through the air to give instant erections to males and females alike in the vicinity. Two succubi opened up the metal canister, revealing a giant sparkling magenta vibrator. It was placed in the Test Chamber as the glass door closed down. Workers flew over and helped Asmodeus put on a white lab coat and goggles. He nodded and gave a thumbs up. One worker held plans while another held a clipboard. After everyone got their safety goggles on, a succubus pressed a button. The device vibrated in the chamber…

…and exploded, much to everyone’s shock. The scientists and Asmodeus soon had charred outfits and faces with blue flames.

“Auurgh!” Asmodeus groaned in frustration. “It was so close! Make a smaller version and stand by for a moment…” The demons went back to work.

After completing his meetings at the factory, Asmodeus talked with more demons about the shenanigans of Valentino, the pimp and owner of Porn Studios in the Pride Ring.

“Valentino’s still working with Vox the TV demon, whom he has a relationship with,” said a succubus as they talked on a balcony. “And Velvet is like their psychotic fashionista daughter figure. Thanks to Vox’s influence of television and Velvet’s love potions and social media, Porn Studios is the most famous sex company over there. Angel Dust is one of their famous stars.”

“Does he have any agendas?” Asmodeus asked.

“Oh, the usual, secret sex slave work, pimp business and drugs, porn videos distributed all through Hell, luring sinners and demons alike into his technology traps. The three Vs are the top in Pride. Rumor has it that they want to stop a princess from opening a hotel to redeem sinners.”

Asmodeus scoffed in disgust. “Redeeming sinners, what a laugh! Valentino is one filthy sinner I cannot stand! Besides his cruelty toward animals, he uses and abuses his clients! He gives sex a bad name! N-not that there should be any r-romance per se…” he added after a raising of the eyebrows, “…but unless clients clarify that BDSM is what they want, then there is no consensual passion. Foreplay and intercourse should be pleasurable…molestation and rape are horrific, no matter who you are. Lust is an extravagant art, it should be earned, not tossed around like a toy.”

“Whatever you say, sir,” said the succubus.

Asmodeus scoffed. “If Valentino thinks that he’s the ruler of all things sex in Hell, he hasn’t met the King himself. And frankly he’ll be lucky if he doesn’t.”

Asmodeus then went to a small hidden factory where Asmodean crystals were being constructed and put into sex toys for disguises. He talked with a head succubus on another balcony.

“And let me remind you,” Asmodeus said, “that my Asmodean crystals are to be used by succubi and incubi only. Special permission must be given if other species of demon are to use them. And when going to Earth, it is only their job to seduce humans in disguise without drawing attention. The last thing we need is to be hunted down by the humans and draw the attention of Heaven.”

Asmodeus then spoke in a low demonic voice. “And for the love of Satan, do not let Valentino or any of the sinners near these crystals. Do you understand?”

“Y-yes sir,” she said.

“How many humans has your crew got?”

“Verosika Mayday and her crew seduced many at that beach concert during spring break. Several humans were coincidentally killed on that day and brought to Hell. I’d say around fifty lustful humans are due back to Hell in a few years after their deaths.”

Asmodeus smirked darkly. “Very good.”

“Verosika Mayday and her crew also got arrested that day. I don’t know how they managed to escape and travel back to Hell.”

“Thankfully I provided them with my crystals,” Asmodeus said. “How else could they have mysteriously appeared in Hell again or have traveled to Earth in the first place?”

“The grimoire?”

“Stolas’ grimoire? Not likely. My grimoire? Usually only used for special occasions. Well at least that mystery’s solved. No one knew about the crystals until many episodes later.”

“Episodes, sir?” asked the succubus.

“What was that story about you in a lovey-dovey romance with an imp?” an incubus asked with a glare.

“Yeah, it was in the episode of none of your business,” Asmodeus seethed. “Now get back to work! Dismissed!” Asmodeus stomped off, reminding a fellow succubus to be careful when handling a crystal. She touched the glowing part and accidentally fell with a yell through a portal into an ocean on Earth.

0 0 0

An exhausted Asmodeus was relieved when he could go back to his office, back at his penthouse palace. Back at his desk, the room was dark, save for the blue flames in the lamps on either side. Asmodeus started longingly at a giant Greek-style portrait of him and Fizzarolli. Asmodeus was lounging on a bed, arm extended, as Fizzarolli smiled against his chest, forked tongue out. The fly-dogs posed cherub-style in the air. There was a bowl of grapes and fruit next to them. They both were naked, save for a single magenta cloth around them, also revealing Fizzarolli’s scarred back. Lightning flashed, briefly revealing Fizzarolli’s glowing teal eyes and fanged smile. Asmodeus, startled, soon grew worried. The rain continued to fall as it always did.

Where was his little Froggie imp? (Fizzarolli seemed to enjoy his fly-dogs and hoping around like a frog with his robotic arms, hence his pet-name. And the way Fizz could use his tongue in bed…made Asmodeus shiver with delight).

Asmodeus knew that the Greed Ring could get violent, dirty, and chaotic. Sure, there was chaos in the Lust Ring, but it was chaos without the dirt and brute crimes of the sort. Despite knowing how tough his imp partner was…it still felt like he let a young child or teen go off by himself into some unknown ghetto world. He especially didn’t appreciate how Mammon had paraded Fizzarolli around like a prized product instead of showing any real concern.

Asmodeus checked his watch. It had his purple sigil on it and both hands were pointed at the top to XII. 12:00 noon. It was already time for his meeting with Prince Stolas.

Stolas sat in the dim waiting area on a long couch, wearing his usual red robe, and fancy clothes. The red eyes of two plants glowed faintly in the dark. The double doors had images of a red demon and a purple demon on them, along with hearts. Several candles with small blue flames were in holders covered by glass jars. Stolas clenched his top hat in nervousness until the doors opened.

“Stolas! Hey there, birdy babe,” Asmodeus mused.

Stolas put on his hat and strode forward.

Asmodeus added, “Haven’t seen you since you crashed my club, how ya been?” Asmodeus closed the doors and chuckled. “Still gettin’ yo kink on with that feisty imp?”

The room was dark and spacious, with an ornate fireplace with teal blue flames, two blue leather chairs with gold heart designs and a table. There were torches with the same blue firelight and thin candles arching up in a curved shape. Blue flames were also present in a chandelier overhead. Gears stood against red wallpaper and gold heart designs in contrast to the blue. Most peculiar in the room were figures of semi-nude robotic demons frozen in sexual poses in giant tubes tinted blue. They had ball gags and belts around them.

Stolas laughed nervously. “Aha, well, um, that’s exactly what I’m here about. You see, I um…seem to have found myself with…feelings. For him. And I’m not sure if it’s a mutual thing...”

Asmodeus pulled out a chair. On the table was a blue teapot and cups. In the center was a bowl full of sexual-themed candies: penis shaped candies, lip-vagina shaped candies and heart candies with three x’s on them.

Asmodeus narrowed his eyes and sat down. “Well, I can tell ya, if you’re looking for a love potion, you came to the wrong fucking guy. I don’t fuck with that artificial bullshit!”

Stolas sat down.

Asmodeus picked up the bowl of candies. “Lust shouldn’t be about force…it’s an ART! To be earned and enjoyed. It’s all about that journey…”

He made a show of moving a purple penis candy into the hole of a vagina red candy. “…to Pleasuretown. Ya feel me?” He looked at Stolas through the candy mouth hole and chuckled.

Stola held up his hands, flustered. “Oh no, never, never that!”

Asmodeus popped the candies into his mouth.

“I just…you see…” Stolas began. “This imp has a business he runs. He needs to access the mortal realm to carry out his work. I know your demons are some of the only ones who can transverse freely and legally. I was wondering if you could assist me in…”

He pulled out his Asmodeus grimoire and pushed it on the table toward Asmodeus. “…finding a way he could, too?”

Asmodeus dumped the rest of the candies into his mouth and swallowed.

“Oh! Hmm…Stolas…” Asmodeus cleared his throat and pushed the empty bowl aside. “My heart bleeds for you! But my partner…uh… business partner Fizzarolli, HATES your imp guy. Blitzo, right? Yeah…HAATES…” he clenched his hand.

“He does?” Stolas asked. “But why?”

Asmodeus shrugged. “Not my story to tell, but trust me, I would help if I could. But I can’t. Sorry…”

Stolas looked downcast, secretly envious of how close Asmodeus and Fizzarolli were.

Asmodeus’ cell phone did a frog sound ringtone. He picked it up and it said he had a new message from Fizzarolli, nicknamed “Froggie”. The screen background showed the neon signs of Lust Ring city with the hands of Asmodeus and Fizzarolli making a heart shape. Asmodeus stood up and read the messages.

FROGGIE

Fizz: “DID YOU KNOW THE BIT OF SKIN ON YOUR ELBOW IS CALLED A WEENIS?”

Ozzie: “LMAO I DID KNOW”

Fizz: “SHITS WILD. I JUST SAW A BILLBOARD WITH A MAAAAASIVE BANANNA ON IT. IT MADE ME THINK OF U. <3”

Ozzie: “AWW THANX BB <3”

Fizz: “GOT THE MILK BTW. NOW GONNA SHOW THOSE GREED RING BITCHES A REAL FUCKIN’ ENTERANCE! GET READI FOR THE HEADLINES. AND THE BBIES (dogs) SAY ‘HI!’”

Asmodeus then saw “new video message.” He pressed play and his phone flew into the air in a magenta aura of magic. It hovered over the table and magenta light morphed and extended into a screen after doing a curved heart-shape. A Fizzarolli icon appeared with hands in fluffy cuffs, and it read “DOWNLOADING…” Asmodeus smiled; he couldn’t wait to see more of Fizzarolli’s shenanigans.

0 0 0

Part 2: Revenge

Meanwhile in the Greed Ring, a white coffee cup was run over by a vehicle among a few torn Mammon dollar bills. The license plate read “JIZZLORD”, and the back was decorated with five purple eyes and green sparkling diamonds around the eyes off to the side. The side was decorated with painted blue flames. The door to the limo opened…steam came out and a magenta and gold carpet was laid out across the ground. Gangster imps and mob sharks currently fighting and robbing a bank froze in their tracks. Fizzarolli proudly stepped out onto the stairs in a new jester outfit: pink and white striped suit, a lavender jacket with teal hearts on the shoulders, a fluffy yellow jester collar with pink squiggles and transparent pointed yellow sunglasses with pink rims.

Fizzarolli adjusted his sunglasses as speakers rose onto the roof and cannons jutted out. The purple dildo-shaped cannons blasted forth yellow and white confetti. An imp with a top hat and suit wiped off the confetti. A thin shark demon choked on a piece of confetti and fell dead at Fizzarolli’s feet. Fizzarolli casually walked over him. Fizzarolli held nine magenta leashes in his left hand…eight pairs of green eyes and a pair of magenta eyes glowed in the dark. Moments later, nine Quieves (fly-like dogs) bounded from the limo, squeaking and tearing up the shark’s body. Fizzarolli clapped and whistled, and the dogs raced over toward their owner. Most of the dogs had black/green small bodies, fly wings and large fly eyes, some eyes yellow and red, others blue and purple. Fizzarolli’s favorite dog was the ninth: a cute white Queef with magenta eyes in a small wheelchair. The dogs left behind the shark’s skeleton. The white dog rolled over with a bone in its mouth. Fizzarolli laughed as the dogs twirled around him and he spun around. Grinning, he did a small jump and roller skates appeared under his boots.

“Whoahohhoho!”

The dogs ran off, taking Fizzarolli with them who rolled at full speed.

“Whoa! Girls, girls, girls! Heheheheh!”

The dogs rushed past a startled succubus lady with a magenta baby carriage, almost tripping a bat/dinosaur demon, and racing past a vented garage door spray-painted with a shark on it. They barreled past a “Don’t” construction sign, through wooden boards, past a suited demon with coffee cups, past a “Get mauled sign,” past an imp woman with a dollar sign shirt who was hanging from a pipe, a jester-dressed shopper demon, a fat jester…

Fizzarolli’s jagged windshield wipers wiped off the mud splatting onto his sunglasses. Toilet paper blew from around his waist and a plastic bag hung from his arm.

“Man, it’s great not being in the spotlight for once!” he exclaimed. The denizens of Greed behind him gave him surprised and glaring looks. There was an old man imp, a shark with a hoodie on the ground and another male imp in a car with green glasses.

He raced past a small yellow triceratops, past a dragon with a smoothie and a bones shirt, and a green lizard demon.

Meanwhile up ahead, a hellhound had just kicked Blitzo out of a shop.

Blitzo bellowed on the ground, “Look lady, it’s not MY fault if you only know how to make coffee that tastes like piss!”

Fizzarolli’s eyes widened as he tried to skid to a stop, hitting the brakes. His skates retracted and his heels skidded on the ground, creating sparks.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WOAH!” Blitzo yelled on the ground as he scooted back and the dogs stopped, dust rising and clearing near Blitzo’s face. The dogs squeaked at Blitzo who glanced in confusion.

“Oh wow! Lookie who it is!” Fizzarolli began, standing over Blitzo. The dogs went back to Fizzarolli.

“Oh fuck,” Blitzo groaned as he stood up, “You again…”

Fizzarolli lifted up his glasses, “Stalkin’ me now, huh?”

“Oh, don’t fucking flatter yourself, clown. I have my own life, y’know. WITHOUT YOU IN IT!” Blitzo pointed a finger at him.

“Uh huh, sure,” Fizzarolli mocked. “Blitzo!”

“The ‘o’ is silent now, bitch!” Blitzo yelled, jabbing him with a finger.

Fizzarolli brushed off his arm.

Blitzo then grinned, “and gee whizz, we’ve been in each other’s relative vicinity TWICE in the last fifteen years! That would make me…” he spread out his arms, “THE SHITTIEST STALKER IN HISTORY!”

“Twice…” Fizzarolli began before petting his white dog and standing up to Blitzo, “…IS ALREADY WAY TOO MUCH.” He got into Blitzo’s face and fiddled with Blitzo’s round necklace. He lowered his glasses and shoved Blitzo to the side.

“Yeah?” Blitzo retorted, “Well at least I’m still actually working for my shit and not getting everything handed to me like some pampered attention whore!”

Fizzarolli froze in place at the insult. He growled and clenched his fists. The little white dog bounced up in the wheelchair on another dog’s head up to Fizzarolli. The white dog nuzzled its head against Fizzarolli, causing the jester to pause and look down. There was a bone in the dog’s curved snout. Fizzarolli took the bone and read the letters in gold on the magenta leash: “From Ozzie with <3.”

More determined, Fizzarolli roasted Blitzo with a comeback. “Yeah well…that’s what resilience and talent gets ya.” He chuckled. “Plus! My horns were always bigger than yours…weren’t they?!” He grinned, showing his eyes. Trash blew across the street.

Blitzo seethed…that had hit a nerve. Fizzarolli strolled away with a smug look. Blitzo whirled around and charged at the jester imp. He knocked Fizzarolli to the ground and he screamed. They crashed into the dogs and rolled on the ground in a scuffle. The dogs flew through the air, one of them dizzy on the ground, one running in circles. One of Blitzo’s brown horse plushies bounced onto the sidewalk. Before long, there was a crowd of sharks, imps, and Greed citizens watching them quarrel. A muscular green demon tore off his white shirt, “FIGHT FIGHT” was written on his chest.

0 0 0

Meanwhile in a cracked old warehouse building, a pair of familiar villains were conjuring a sinister plot in the shadows. The office was dim and dirty, with boxes on the floor, a dead fish skeleton on display, and worn furniture. There were dusty bookshelves and a poster on a board that read “Concrete shoes on sale.” Mantles of fish-heads, shark teeth, angler-fish heads and imp horns were on display on the walls. Off to the side were two big mobster demons smoking cigarettes and playing pool. One was a big yellow shark with a dark blue suit and the other was a thin green snake with a dull blue suit, white tie, and white hat. A tall thin green shark with a blue and red suit and matching hat stood guard by the desk.

“So…” began the man sitting in the high-backed office chair. “You say you’re good? Cuz’ we really need a big score right now.”

The cowboy in the adjacent chair spoke. “The best, had a royal on the ropes just last week.”

The shark guard poured wine into a glass on the desk.

“Sure…but not dead?” The mob boss folded his hands in disapproval, eyes glowing yellow. It was Crimson himself. He had the same red face with white freckles, red jagged pointed tail, a black large hat with a red center rim, blue suit with red vertical stripes, and long jagged stripped horns pointing back from his head of white hair. A white flame-shaped scar was around his right eye. Green flames glowed eerily in the fireplace behind him.

Sure enough, the white-haired cowboy Striker, had also returned for revenge. He was donned in his cowboy outfit; dark boots, ripped white pants, black shirt, dark vest, and gray jacket with tassels below. His dark grey sunhat was perched on his chair and a red bandana was around his neck. His long, pointed tail with spikes on it resembled the sharpness of his jagged stripped imp horns and sharp rows of yellow teeth.

Striker took a sip of his wine. “It was…called off,” he admitted. “But I have a body count in the hundreds.” He swooped his hand. “I ain’t afraid to go after anyone. Women, kids…” He spotted a fly-dog being splattered against a nearby window and grinned, “…and cute little faced puppy-looking things. Don’t matter.”

“Hmm…” Crimson began. “I’ll tell ya what…”

Striker growled; his eyes glowing yellow as he heard a commotion from outside. He walked over toward the window. He spotted a large crowd of Greed Ring citizens chanting and taking videos with their cellphones.

“If you can deliver something of value…I’ll consider it,” Crimson finished.

Striker then spotted Blitzo and Fizzarolli fighting on the ground.

“How about Asmodeus’ imp toy and that asshole imp who ruined both our plans?!” Striker thought.

Striker grinned and opened the windows, “One moment.” He twirled his lasso and expertly flung it into the air. The lasso wrapped around the two imps, and they screamed as they were pulled through the window. He flung the two imps into the room, and they crashed in a heap against the wall.

“Two imps with one rope,” Striker thought.

“Hired!” Crimson smirked to Striker, pleased with his quick kidnapping. Blitzo and Fizzarolli were already surrounded and held down by Crimson’s mafia shark gang. Pistols were pointed at Blitzo and Fizzarolli. The two villains laughed evilly as they strolled toward their helpless rivals.

“Funny to run into ya again, Blitzy!” Striker mocked, towering over him. He pulled out a red jagged dagger and put it against Fizzarolli’s throat. “…and with a famous friend…”

“Ah fuck me,” Blitzo groaned in defeat, hand over his face.

“For the record, we are not friends!” Fizzarolli spat, folding his arms.

0 0 0

“Hello, Asmodeus.”

Crimson, hands behind his back, grinned sinisterly in the phone video that Asmodeus and Stolas were watching in Asmodeus’ palace. Asmodeus’ face fell after not seeing his beloved imp in the video.

Crimson continued. “You don’t know me, but you don’t need to. All you need to know is that I have your little jester here with me!”

Striker brought Fizzarolli into view, pulling on one of Fizzarolli’s jester tassels on his head. He was tied up in duct-tape and struggled in vain against Striker. Striker grinned as Fizzarolli screamed before his mouth was covered with the duct-tape.

Asmodeus growled in anger and clawed at the holograph. Fizzarolli’s duct-taped mouth and scared eyes appeared in his hands as the video with Crimson returned.

“If you want him back alive, you will give me exactly what I want.”

Asmodeus clenched his fists and spoke in a low demonic voice. “Do you have any idea who you are FUCKING WITH?!” His face turned red, and his mane burst upward in white-red flame. All his heads were red with anger.

“I…think it’s a recording,” Stolas interrupted. The owl tried to console the king.

“Ya probably just asked if I know who I’m dealing with.” Crimson smirked, eyes narrowing, “and oh yes, I know. The weakest and most non-threatening of the Sins. The king who will do whatever it takes to save the worst kept secret in all of Hell. We both know you won’t risk anything happening to the clown…” He pinched Fizzarolli’s face hard with his hand and tossed him aside for Striker to grab. “So be a good little bitch boy and do the thing. My lawyers will be over shortly with the contract of demands. You have until the witching hour to sign it.” He made a flaming red clock with his finger and pushed it into Stolas’ face. The clock made a crossbones symbol, before fading, making Stolas cough.

“Hahahahaha!” Crimson laughed evilly. “Now cut,” he told one of his goons. “I SAID CUT IT, YA FUCKING MORON!”

The video ended and the cell phone tumbled onto the table. The tea set and candle rumbled as Asmodeus powered up. Stolas stepped back in concern as Asmodeus’ tail feathers turned to pink flame and his mane of teal hair turned to teal flames. All three of his heads roared in rage.

0 0 0

Not too long later, Asmodeus groaned and lowered his head briefly to the table. He groaned in frustration.

“Can I just sign it already? Like can we move this along?”

An elderly purple shark lawyer in a blue striped suit, red necktie, and glasses shrugged and handed him the contract.

The owl prince added, “Sire, you need to know the contents of this contract, you can’t just sign it. A deal made with a sin like yourself would be everlastingly binding. Perhaps I could look it over, I’m a fast reader.”

Asmodeus handed him the paper.

“Oh! Hmm…” Stolas began, suspicious of the lawyer. “This is a contract giving Crimson all of Ozzie’s factory assets and giving him permission to use Fizzarolli’s head for a wall decoration.”

Asmodeus tore the paper out of Stolas’ hands. “WAIT, WHAT?!”

“Juuust making sure you’re paying attention!” The shark laughed nervously. “Here’s the real contract!”

He picked up a tall stack of papers and pushed them over to the royals.

Stolas excitedly clapped his hands and made excited chicken noises. “Ooh! This will be fun! I love words!” He picked up the first page.

Asmodeus seethed, disintegrating the paper to ash in his hands. The meeting seemed to take forever. It was almost like the lawyer shark was being slow on purpose to allow Crimson to have his way…

Asmodeus checked his watch…it read 1:00.

“Ok, so!” Stolas called, pacing back and forth behind a glowering Asmodeus, eyes glowing yellow. “I believe this draft allows for some factory ownership, specifically located in the Greed Ring. With allocated funds going to your client for the foreseeable future, while ensuring the safe return of one ‘Fizzarolli.’” He slammed the contract on the desk, pushing it to the lawyer.

“Yeah, sure sounds good, now lemme just re-read thissss…” the shark said, moving the stack of papers and glancing at the first one through his glasses. He slowly drank out of his white mug which read “LIVE, LAUGH, LAW.”

“HURRY UP!” Asmodeus yelled in his demonic voice.

The shark smirked. “Yelling won’t make me read faster!”

Stolas tried to stamp out the blue flames coming from Asmodeus as his face turned bright red.

0 0 0 0 0

The thin shark guard lit Crimson’s cigar with green fire. He took several breaths of smoke before putting the cigar out on a table. They were now in a large warehouse. The guard held a remote that read “Up” and “Down.” Blitzo was tied up in a cage on the floor and Striker posed on top of the cage. The mafia snake carried a struggling tied up Fizzarolli and tossed him into the cage and shut the door. A few of the cage bars were bent and worn. Fizzarolli breathed heavily in a panic as the cage was lifted upward on a hook with rope. Crimson grinned at his captives as he then eyed a pile of gold coins on a table. A few of the sharks got beer from a few nearby kegs.

“Oh, chill out, jester,” said the tied up Blitzo next to him. “Christ on a stick, it’s like you’ve never been tied up before.”

“Ugh, sure, but not by a bunch of psychos…”

Fizzarolli tumbled on his side. “Ack! And a piece of shit!”

“Am I?” Blitzo asked. “Ok…ok am I the psycho or the piece of shit?”

“Both!” Fizzarolli spat.

“Yeah, that checks.”

Fizzarolli sat up. “How is this happening?! I was just supposed to grab some gas station milk and rehearse some juggling…!” Fizzarolli fell onto his back and sobbed.

“Oh RELAX, I’m sure your big royal chicken ain’t gonna let anything happen to his peppy lil’ fuckdoll,” Blitzo mentioned in frustration.

Fizzarolli rolled over and sat up, seething. “Ooooh playin’ that card, huh? Ok…” he scooted closer. “What about you? Seems your tastes have gotten more…’regal’ lately?” He chuckled.

“Yeah, well unlike you, I fuck who I want, when I want. I’m not gonna be tied down to some big blue-blooded asshole.”

“You coulda fooled me, the way princey was cozying up to you at Ozzie’s…” Fizzarolli retorted, annoyed that Blitzo had insulted his lover. He wrapped his tail around himself, making a show of it with wide puppy eyes.

“Hey!” Blitzo snapped. “Stolas only cares about having a rugged peasant raw-dog him into his mattress!” He then glanced off to the side, nervously. “It’s nothing, ya know…”

Fizzarolli glared in suspicion with raised eyebrows.

Blitzo sighed and groaned. “It’s nothing else…”

“Then why were you even there?” Fizzarolli asked.

Sweat beaded on Blitzo’s forehead, his eyes shifting. “OTHER very important reasons, of course!” He didn’t want to mention how he wanted to spy on his co-workers making love at Ozzie’s.

Fizzarolli shrugged. “Whatever. I don’t actually care.”

Denying his feelings further, Blitzo emphasized, “I mean, Stolas is just a loud, thirsty bitch who loves feeling the thrill of getting dicked by the lower class!”

Fizzarolli narrowed his eyes, seeing through Blitzo’s lies. All he wanted was to be back in Asmodeus’ arms and away from his ex-friend.

“It’s a novelty to him,” Blitzo added.

Fizzarolli scowled. “Literally just said I don’t care.”

Blitzo pressed on. “And THEN! He’ll call me and try to see how ‘my’ day was, and he’ll pretend to care about me, and comment on my photos and laugh at my jokes…”

“Oh!” said Fizzarolli. “Well, that’s definitely your clue right there that it’s all bullshit.”

“I KNOW, RIGHT?!” Blitzo yelled. Fizzarolli rolled his eyes at Blitzo not getting his sarcasm. Blitzo continued. “He’s just a fake privileged asshole.”

“Sounds like you just hate him for being a prince,” Fizzarolli mentioned. He chuckled. “Because no one and I mean NO ONE, pretends to care that much just for a cheap lay.”

“Point is,” Blitzo said, “Royal demons don’t give a shit about guys like us. They’re all the fuckin’ same…”

“That’s not…!” Fizzarolli began, “A-always true…but I guess you’re right. They can’t be all the same if SOME have taste and SOME wanna fuck YOU!”

“Can we talk about something other than my sex life?” Blitzo asked. “Satan’s taint…is fucking that lust guy make this what you’re all about now?”

“YOU brought it up, asshole!” Fizzarolli snapped.

“CAN YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY?!” bellowed Striker from above, banging on their cage. “You bicker like a couple of teen SKANKS!” He hopped onto a box, then leaned forward and walked to the cage. “As far as I’m concerned…you two are BOTH embarrassments to our kind for meddlin’ with blue-bloods to begin with!”

He grabbed onto the bars, scaring Fizzarolli backwards into Blitzo. Blitzo kicked him off. “Says the assassin asshole who licks the boots of Stolas’ ex-wife!” Blitzo retorted back. “And now he resorts to lapping up to the father of my employee. Hypocrite!”

Striker’s eyes glowed and his sharp gold fang glinted in the dark. “You may also be annoying besides the clown. But at least loud-mouth here has the sense to only fuck his rich bitch instead of being a lil’ purse dog.”

“Oh great!” Blitzo called in sarcasm. “The fucking supremacist is on my side, wonderful.”

“Neither of you filth bags know what you’re even talkin’ about,” argued Fizzarolli. “If you think you’re superior to ANYONE, then you’re no better than any royal…”

Fizzarolli found himself being gripped by his neck and pulled to the side by an angry Striker.

“Don’t. You. Dare. Finish that sentence, clown…”

Fizzarolli breathed heavily, sweat dripping down his face. Blitzo seethed at Striker, looking in concern at Fizzarolli.

“HEY! Hick-for-hire!” Crimson called from below. “I said watch ‘em, not fuck ‘em! Keep ya hands off the merchandise!”

Striker reluctantly let go of Fizzarolli and shoved him to the side. He jumped off the boxes.

“EAUGH!” Fizzarolli yelled down to Crimson and Striker. “EVER HEARD OF MOUTHWASH?! FUCKFACE?!”

Blitzo sighed in annoyance. Fizzarolli continued to struggle, trying to bite through the duct tape with his mouth.

“Ya know? You’re really bad at this,” Blitzo deadpanned.

“Hmm? Ya know? Last time I checked, I was a FUCKING JESTER, NOT an escape arti…”

From inside the duct tape, Fizzarolli’s robotic arm buzzed and crackled. The force sent Fizzarolli upward and his face made a screaming face-sized dent on top of the cage. He fell back down, his teal heart on his forehead glowing hot red before cooling down. He sniffled. “I just wanna go home…”

Blitzo had an idea. “Hmm…you want me to get you out?”

Fizzarolli whimpered, “Ye-ye-yes.”

Blitzo stood up and moved his boot. There was a glint and he bent down to pick it up. He extracted a knife.

“You had a knife this whole time?!” Fizzarolli cried.

Blitzo moved the knife between his hands, wiggling it so the ropes would snap off, freeing his arms. He was soon free of all the ropes.

“Aaahh!” Fizzarolli cried as Blitzo came toward him.

Satisfied at Fizzarolli’s reaction, Blitzo stalked toward the whimpering jester with a menacing playful grin. He grinned wider as he raised the knife in the air…

…and sliced off the duct tape, freeing Fizzarolli’s arms. He tossed the jester the knife so he could free his legs.

“Now stop bitchin’ while I work this,” Blitzo said, figuring out how to escape.

There was a yellow forklift with a sticker on the back, “How’s my driving? Call 666.” A demon sat in the cart with headphones. A white bag with powder was on top of green towels and hero-in drugs in a box. A green dragon demon looked at a piece of paper. A bunch of imps and sharks were playing pool in the center of the warehouse. One of the imps had a black wool mask over his face. More mafia demons were creating a pyramid of playing cards on a table. The cards had Mammon’s face on it and coins and dollar bills were also in front of them. A blue fish wearing a monocle sat with more shark demons in a corner, drinking beer, while a teal reptile demon lounged with his feet on the table. The yellow remote for the cage was next to his feet.

“Ahhh, BINGO!” Blitzo exclaimed, coming up with an idea.

“So, what now, genius?” asked Fizzarolli, annoyed.

Blitzo pointed. “See that remote?”

“I mean, I could stretch down there…” Fizzarolli began.

“Yes, he could,” thought Blitzo. “The cage would drop, and we would be free. But then we would have to fight all those goons and we would soon be outnumbered. We’d just get re-captured again. No…I need to find a clever way to get rid of them first…create come chaos…”

“No…no…” Blitzo said. “I have a better idea…”

Fizzarolli yelled in surprise as Blitzo leaned against the cage and moved it violently. He glanced in satisfaction as the cage movement knocked over the stack of nearby boxes. The boxes fell onto the demon drinking beer and wearing a white tank top. The mug flew from his hand and into the air…

The muscular demon wearing a white cowboy hat finished the pyramid of cards and the mafia members cheered with pistols and money in their hands.

By sheer luck, the mug of beer landed into the pyramid of cards. The angry boar-like imp on the chair took out his black rifle, one eye blind, and fired rapidly at all the other screaming goons on the ground.

“Turning goons against each other, classic,” Blitzo thought.

Black imp blood splattered and stained the cage. The imps ducked as the bullets shot through the air.

“Keep it down! I’m shootin’ 8 ball over here!” yelled an angry imp playing pool as several goons were shot down, black blood staining the pool table.

“What’s going on?!” asked the demon wearing headphones in the yellow forklift. The thin green demon near him was dead. The demon was also shot, and the yellow forklift spun out of control. It rammed into more boxes, and by sheer luck also rushed toward the pool player. “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” called the imp. He turned around in fear, saying, “Oh fuck me…” before being run over. The pool table was soon destroyed as forklift and table flew into the air…

Blitzo watched eagerly with a bag of popcorn in his hands.

One of the white pool balls happened to bounce onto a scaffolding roll as an explosion flashed. It rolled and rolled and rolled…

Blitzo moved Fizzarolli’s head for him to watch, as Blitzo sipped into a drink.

The ball rolled some more, getting ready to fall…Blitzo watched in anticipation, hoping his plan would work, Fizzarolli watched in concern…

And in an ultimate stroke of luck, the ball dropped and pressed the down button on the remote. Silence.

Fizzarolli glared. “Well…that didn’t w…”

Fizzarolli then screamed and Blitzo then grinned in victory as they plummeted down onto the floor, the cage breaking apart. One of the fluorescent lights hung haphazardly off a wire, sparking teal sparks before crashing to the floor. The dust settled and Fizzarolli coughed. Blitzo brushed off his suit.

“Show off,” Fizzarolli murmured to a smirking Blitzo, flipping him the bird. The duo then turned to see Crimson staring at them surrounded by five mafia demon sharks. He lifted cucumbers off his eyes in surprise, a martini drink in his hand. The imps froze in fear.

“THE FUCK?!” Crimson bellowed, smashing his drink and his cucumbers to the floor. “GET THEM!”

A mafia dressed in white shot out a net that narrowly missed the imps. Blitzo saved Fizzarolli from the net and dragged him by the arm. They dodged the flying bullets. Blitzo grabbed his flintlock pistol and ducked behind a sideways round table. He fired shots of his own as Fizzarolli frantically ran off. A large gray shark with teal teeth and spine, pushed boxes over and another brown shark leaped at Fizzarolli, who jumped out of reach. Fizzarolli tossed a bowling pin at his face and narrowly avoided getting grabbed. He blasted an airhorn in the muscular thug’s face and was forcefully pulled into his meaty arms. There was a black broken heart tattoo on the thug’s arm. Fizzarolli tossed a banana peel to the floor, but the other thug ran over it instead of slipping.

“Augh, this usually works!” Fizzarolli cried, struggling to escape. “Goddammit!”

The other thug raced toward Fizzarolli with a white cane.

“FUCK!”

Fizzarolli twisted his way free, and the two goons ran into each other. Fizzarolli spun around and ran into Blitzo from behind, knocking both of them over.

“What the fuck, Fizz?!” Blitzo barked. “How is someone this flexible, this useless in combat?!”

They rolled out of the way of a goon and toward some boxes. They scooted away from the large gray shark and away from a deer-skull headed demon.

“I’m a performer! I sing, I dance, I promote products I don’t actually use…” Fizzarolli began. Blitzo shoved a running goon out of the way. Fizzarolli dodged the deer-skull demon’s knife. Blitzo picked up the demon and tossed him into another goon.

“I DON’T DO DANGER!” Fizzarolli cried as Blitzo knocked down the gray shark demon with a snap of the neck. He dragged Fizzarolli along. “Well good to know you’re still a wimpy circus puss.” Blitzo shot another goon in the head.

Fizzarolli growled in response as they climbed up a ladder. “I’d give you a comeback, but that would imply I give a shit what you think.” Fizzarolli leaned onto the ladder, but Blitzo rescued him before he could fall.

“You always cared what I thought!” Blitzo argued.

“Ohhoho, after what you DID TO ME?” Fizzarolli bellowed.

“I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!” Blitzo’s voice broke.

“AN ACCIDENT?!” cried Fizzarolli. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”

0 0 0

Part 3: Remembrance

The scene went black as two spotlights showed two imps in green clown suits and white painted faces juggling four balls in their hands. Two imps in purple suits did a series of flips and landed gracefully to the front. A young female imp wearing a yellow and green gymnastics top balanced on one hand atop a black horse with a skull face, plus a mane and tail of neon green flames. The horse had green and yellow feathers atop its head with matching colored saddle and bells. The black heart-shaped symbol seen on the foreheads of the performers was displayed at the top of the stadium inside a red heart bordered by lights.

Stilt-walker imps wearing purple and yellow costumes were juggling balls in the air. Blitzo’s sister Barbie Wire was twirling on a tightrope wearing a purple dress and holding a yellow umbrella in her hand. She had black curled ram-like horns with small white stripes on them. She spun in the air and landed back on the tightrope. She smiled and posed.

Another performer breathed fire as a group of imps dressed in clown suits and bells over their horns balanced on top of each other in an inverted imp pyramid, holding gold rings. Two imps leaped through the hoops. Four imps balanced on a board and a small imp blew fire from a torch on top of the others. The crowd cheered. A knife thrower imp guy with white hair threw a knife near where a smiling black-haired imp woman was bond to a plank of wood with a target painted on it.

The ringmaster imp spoke up. He had long curved horns, a purple top hat, and a stitched up old circus costume of green and dark green vertical stripes. He was Cash Buckzo, Blitzo’s greedy father.

“Nowwww, everyone’s favorite thing about circus shit: the motherfucking clowns!”

The crowd screamed and gasped as ten imps in clown outfits leaped forward.

A small foot stepped onto a board high in the air.

“You ready Blitzo?” asked a young Fizzarolli.

A young Blitzo grinned, tugging the rope. “Born ready, Fizzarolli!” Blitzo didn’t mind the “o” in his name.

At the same time, the two young imps swung off the boards, holding onto ropes. Fizzarolli was a child imp, wearing a teal green suit with red markings and red bells attached to his intact stripped imp horns. He also wore a red clown nose. The young Blitzo’s face was red and scar-free, and he wore purple overalls and a pink shirt underneath.

This happy moment was back when Blitzo’s mother Tilla was still alive, before Barbie Wire went to rehab and before Fizzarolli lost his limbs and horns. It was clear that the two were best friends, who both loved money, Mammon, and the thrill of the show. Blitzo took Fizzarolli’s hand and together they swung around the stadium in a big arc. Both of them laughed together as they swung across the stadium.

After Fizzarolli and Blitzo landed down safely, Blitzo balanced on a red and yellow ball with an eye design on it. He posed with a “Haaa! Ta-da!”

Then he said, “Heya folks! Wanna see me make a horse?”

Blitzo pulled out a green balloon and blew into it. He rapidly wrapped it, and it appeared as a bundle of knots before it popped.

“Crap,” Blitzo muttered. He blew another balloon and tried again, but it popped again.

He tried again. And tried again. But the balloons kept popping.

“De-de-de-de-do-do-do-do,” Blitzo hummed nervously as a bored and unimpressed audience stared down at him.

Blitzo chuckled nervously. “Ah, he, he! Horse!” He showed a green balloon horse, except it had no legs. “Well, heh, it was a horse, but then it ate too much sugar and its legs stopped working, so they had to amputate, now it’s a gross worm horse.”

The young Stolas laughed.

Blitzo smiled and pointed at him. “See, he gets it because horses, they make no sense.”

Fizzarolli chuckled and stood beside Blitzo. “Okay, Blitzo, that’s enough ‘horsing’ around!”

In one try, Fizzarolli made a perfect red balloon horse, presenting it to the crowd. “Hey everybody, look at this! It’s Banana Pudding the clown horsey! Neigh!”

The crowd laughed as Blitzo looked down sadly and sighed.

“I liked his broken horse joke, it was funny,” said Stolas. “Their legs do stop working when they eat too much sugar, it’s called Laminitis.” He watched Blitzo balance on the ball with his legless balloon horse in his hand and Fizzarolli performing by his side.

0 0 0

Meanwhile, Blitzo and Fizzarolli played with their balloon horses together on a purple rug with a teal spiral decoration.

Fizzarolli moved his red balloon horse. “I’m Banana Pudding, and I like to dance!”

“I am Worm Horse!” said Blitzo, holding his legless green balloon horse. “And I… I am sad!”

“Why are you sad, Worm Horse?”

“Because, I have no legs!”

“Oh, well that’s okay.”

“I lost all my legs in…The War,” Blitzo dramatized.

Fizzarolli gasped. “The War?!”

“Yes!” said Blitzo. “The Great Pirate War!”

Fizzarolli giggled. “No, no pirates.”

“It’s a great pirate warrrr!” Blitzo teased.

Fizzarolli exasperated, “If you keep talking about pirates, I will punch you.”

Blitzo dramatized as he played, “I fought bravely but I could not run fast enough. They took my legs, there was blood everywhere!”

Fizzarolli laughed at Blitzo. “Oh no, eww! No blood. Blood is disgusting!”

Blitzo stood up with a grin. “No, blood is cool!” He laughed.

Fizzarolli moved his horse in a dance and giggled. “Well, Banana Pudding is here to save the day with his magical feet he dances around with. He will dance all over Worm Horse and make him feel better!”

“And then…” Blitzo paused dramatically. “There will be more blood!” He did a fake evil laugh as he squirted ketchup all over his green horse.

“Blitzo!” Fizzarolli laughed. “That’s so gross! Stop!”

Blitzo held up his ketchup bottle, arms in the air. “Never!”

(The balloon toys were a foreshadowing of Fizzarolli, the green horse, losing his legs in the distant future…)

0 0 0

A young happy Fizzarolli wore a clown suit that was green with red buttons on it and a red collar. He wore a red clown nose, and he had red bells on his intact stripped horns. He balanced on a large yellow ball with a red pentagram on it while also balancing spinning plates on sticks with his two hands, nose, and foot. He flipped and balanced the plates again with both feet, his nose and one hand, using his other hand to balance on the ball. The crowd clapped and cheered at his performance. When Fizzarolli finished, he spotted a young Blitzo peering somberly behind the curtain. He wore worn purple overalls and a striped shirt.

“Blitzo, you always had it out for me, because people liked me better! You wanted me gone because you were jealous! Just wanting the spotlight! I looked up to you, I thought you were my best friend. YOU RUINED MY LIFE! And then you just left me! I lost so much because of you! And you selfish piece of shit…YOU DIDN’T EVEN CARE!”

When Blitzo and Fizzarolli were older, they soon celebrated Fizzarolli’s birthday at the circus. They were teens and they wore braces. Blitzo peered behind the curtains again, this time wearing a white shirt with black buttons and red straps on his shoulders. Another imp helped Fizzarolli put on his red clown nose. There was a miniature fat imp with clown makeup on. Many other imps were conversing and drinking at the party, one woman wore a black and white striped dress. All the imp performers bore the same black family mark on their foreheads. Fizzarolli wore a light purple and white jester outfit with pink buttons on the sleeves. Cash Buckzo, Blitzo’s father wore his usual worn brown top hat, white goatee, and purple-ish striped shirt. He laughed and gave a birthday card to Fizzarolli. Blitzo watched in disgust as the outer-space blue card had stars and read “Wish you were my son” in bold gold letters.

The teen Fizzarolli turned and happily waved to Blitzo. But to Fizzarolli’s dismay, his friend scowled in jealousy and pulled back the red curtain. Then to the jester’s horror, green flames appeared out of nowhere, right where Blitzo was before! The clowns and performers and imps’ faces switched from joy to horror as they ran for their lives. Fizzarolli stumbled briefly to the ground before racing off. He opened a tent flap and spotted a box labeled “Fiyawoiks” and dynamite sticks in the corner. He peered closer in fear, flames dancing before his very…

BOOOMM!

The explosion was instant…the tent, red balloons and the “Happy Birthday Fizzarolli!” banner were destroyed. The fireworks blasted in the sky and the clown nose fell off.

Lying down on scorched earth was what was left of Fizzarolli. His horns were now mere stubs, cracking and burning at the tops as more pieces fell off. Tears fell from his eyes as he stared at Blitzo’s dark silhouette. Black blood spilled out from his burning limbs, his arms and legs being reduced to muscle, bone, and ash. His throat was burned and fried, he couldn’t even scream. He reached out what was left of his burning hand to Blitzo, fingers falling off. The last thing he saw was his former friend running off before he passed out from the agonizing pain.

If it hadn’t been for Asmodeus, he wouldn’t have survived.

0 0 0

Blitzo sobbed. “I DID CARE, FIZZ! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! IT WAS!”

Blitzo was jealous of Fizzarolli’s performances. But despite the jealousy, his best friend was also an inspiration. He looked up to Fizz and admired his charisma and skill. The way his eyes sparkled when he played tricks on the performers and on Blitzo’s father. The way he interacted positively with Barbie Wire and Blitzo’s Mom, Tilla.

And when Fizz talked about horses…Blitzo soon felt…flustered. The day of Fizz’s birthday, Blitzo had gathered up the courage to tell his friend how he felt. He had a special private card for him, a white envelope containing a love letter with a red heart on it that read “For Fizz’s eyes only.” He even had a red flower with a yellow eye in the center in his hand. He’d never admit it to anyone but…he loved Fizz. Perhaps more than just a friend and fellow circus performer.

The moment he saw his own father laughing with Fizz and treating him like a son…it became too much. He had suffered through his father’s arrogance for many years, and he now felt more alone than ever. If he wasn’t a good enough son for his own father, then maybe he was out of Fizz’s league as well.

Blitzo pulled back the curtain, staring teary-eyed at his letter. He turned around and closed his eyes, shoving an imp aside, with white hair and a white shirt with yellow buttons on it. Blitzo didn’t know that the imp was carrying Fizzarolli’s birthday cake with the candles already lit. “Happy Birthday Fizz” was written on the cake. The imp cried out and dropped the cake. Blitzo slammed down the letter and the flower in frustration, leaving them behind on the ground. Blitzo did not notice that the flames from the candles had already eaten the red curtains and was now rising up to an emerald-green inferno. Three horses were lying nearby, one with a mane of teal/green flames and tail, one with blue flames and one with pink flames. They had skull faces, feathers on their heads and tassels and outfits. The green-flamed horse noticed the flames and stirred a panic. The equines galloped off into the distance.

Blitzo raced out of the tent as other imps rushed outside screaming. Barbie Wire was not too far away outside, also terrified.

“Fizz!” Blitzo cried.

Before he could react…

Blitzo screamed as his right eye and side of his face got burned with a blast of green fire. His face was burned, as were several areas of his body that would later become scarred and white. He held a hand over his burned eye.

“Mom!” Blitzo cried, searching for any sign of his mother. But all he could see were green flames.

“Ok you’re right, Fizz, it was all my fault, ok? I…I should’ve done more to help…I was…I was TRYING…there was so much going on. I was trying to get help, Fizz. I just…it was still my fault.”

“Glad you could admit it, Blitzo. WANT A MEDAL?”

“Look I’m sorry, Fizz…I am so sorry you got so hurt. I’m sorry for what you lost and I…I KNOW I can never make that right…but you have no idea what I lost in that fire…I mean its…it’s all my fault. I’d hate me, too.”

Teen Blitzo soon spotted the wounded Fizzarolli, straining to reach out.

“Let me get some help!” Blitzo cried as he raced off, Fizzarolli slipping into unconsciousness.

As the flames died down, Blitzo’s worst fear was confirmed. Blitzo and Barbie soon saw the burned dead body of their mother Tilla. Cash Buckzo came over and Blitzo told them the whole story.

It was that moment that Barbie Wire’s eyes widened, tears streaming down her face.

“Blitzo…it, it was you?!”

“Barbie, listen, I didn’t cause the fire, I swear! I bumped into the guy carrying the cake. The cake dropped and the flames spread too fast…”

“So, you did start it! And you weren’t even around to help Mom. What’s the matter with you? If you had been more careful, Mom would still be alive right now! Asshole!” She shoved her brother, brushing ash off her circus dress.

“I SWEAR IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I WAS UPSET WITH FIZZ AND I DIDN’T MEAN IT…”

Cash Buckzo also glared at Blitzo with a sigh. “Now that Fizzarolli is gravely wounded and my wife is gone…and our family circus is gone…and MY CHANCE TO GET FILTHY RICH IS GONE, I CAN OFFICIALY DECLARE THAT MY OWN WIMPY GOOD FOR NOTHING SON IS, ALSO!”

Blitzo flinched back. “D-dad, I’m sorry, I…I-didn’t…”

All the imps stared somberly at their destroyed circus and the lives lost. Cash Buckzo sighed.

“The only good thing I can say is that if Fizz gets better, Mammon will use him as a new star figure. If only Fizz were my son, then Mammon would know about it, and I’d be living the dream. But now I’m in a nightmare because of you. Blitzo. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a fucking drink, somewhere somehow…”

Cash Buckzo slouched off, disappearing through the foggy smoke. Blitzo tried to reach out to his sister.

She cut him off, tears in her eyes. “I HATE YOU, BLITZO! I DON’T WANNA SEE YOU EVER AGAIN!”

With that, Barbie raced off, leaving Blitzo heartbroken and alone. Barbie Wire would then go on to become temporarily famous in the circus before losing her fame to drug addictions. She would then go into rehab, cutting herself, briefly encountering Verosika, and then smuggle drugs on Earth, distancing herself from the family she once knew and loved.

A happy family picture of Tilla, with a young Blitzo and Barbie floated to the ground. It read “Us” with a heart on it. But before long, it caught on fire, starting with where Tilla was. Blitzo held onto his round red necklace, the only thing left to remind him of his mother.

Just like that…Blitzo’s family bonds had been reduced to ash.

0 0 0

Part 4: Reconciliation

Blitzo in the present began, “I mean, I do hate…SHIIIIIIT!”

Blitzo found himself being lifted up in a headlock by a muscular goon with a white tank top and hat. He struggled to free himself from the goon’s muscular arm around his neck. The goon grinned smugly. Blitzo managed to get his gun under his chin and the goon’s face exploded in black blood. Blitzo and Fizzarolli hurried on and scampered some more on the shelf.

“So, why didn’t you try and tell me any of this? Or come see me?” Fizzarolli asked. “Even ONCE would’ve been fine!”

Blitzo ducked behind a box. “I tried…you were all I had left, Fizz. But they told me YOU didn’t want to see me.”

Fizzarolli stared in surprise. “I never told them that!”

“Bullshit…” Blitzo murmured then paused. “You didn’t?”

Fizzarolli cried, “No! And no one told me you came!”

Both of them looked at each other. “Oooohhh…” they said at the same time, realizing their whole fight was based on misunderstandings on both ends.

“WAAOOOH! CHRIST ON A STICK!” Blitzo screamed as he blasted the face of a light green roaring sharp-toothed goon who had tried to swipe at them. The goon fell dead to the floor as other goons tried to lift a ladder.

“TRYING TO HAVE A FUCKING EMOTIONAL MOMENT, HERE!” Fizzarolli spat down at them.

They both stood up, their backs to each other. Blitzo had two guns in his hands.

“Misunderstanding or no, it’s hard to just forgive you,” Fizzarolli mentioned. He picked up Blitzo who shot at a snake goon and a slender female imp wearing blue. “It’s BEEN fifteen years and…that’s so much time. But…”

He swung Blitzo around and he kicked a green goon off the shelf. He then tossed Blitzo forward who fired both guns at a teal goon off to the side. They flipped through the air and knocked two other goons away.

“…I guess you didn’t really ruin my life.” Fizzarolli told Blitzo, who was hanging upside down in Fizzarolli’s robotic arms.

“What? You’re telling me getting BLOWN UP didn’t ruin your life?”

Fizzarolli used a dizzy Blitzo to knock another goon to the ground. “It was painful and challenging and you know…FUCK YOU STILL!” He faced Blitzo with a glare as he put him down, “BUT…it’s not like I’m broken. And now I have someone who understands me and…”

Blitzo knocked away a small blue goon wearing a purple suit, then knocked a gray serpentine demon off. He fired his guns at a green goon and was lifted up by Fizzarolli. “HAHAHA FUCK YOU!”

Fizzarolli continued, “…my life has actually been pretty great.”

Fizzarolli reached down with his left robotic arm, taking him and Blitzo to the floor.

Blitzo folded his arms. “Yeah, that’s lovely. You got a good thing going on with that horny rooster fucker, don’t ya?” There was a hint of envy in his sarcasm.

Fizzarolli said, “Oh yeah it’s been…fantastic…” He blushed then flustered, “UH CUZ YOU KNOW, IT’S A GREAT GIG, AND HE’S GOT THE BIGGEST COCK, YOU KNOW LIKE…” He formed his arms into the shape of testicles, “…MASSIVE! I MEAN IMAGINE LIKE THE BIGGEST…” He moves his arms in a circle, “…JUST A GIANT HUGE, LIKE A KAIJU, (Kaiju roared in the background) “…BUT IT’S A COCK, YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN?! LIKE A BIG MONSTER, IT’S BIG…” He did a handjob motion, “…IT’S HUGE…”

“YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I GET IT, I GET IT!” Blitzo replied in annoyance, both palms out. Then in a gesture of friendship, he placed his hand on Fizzarolli’s shoulder and said, “I’m happy for ya, Fizz.” Fizzarolli smiled genuinely for the first time in a while.

The two imps soon found themselves being backed into a corner of boxes by Crimson, Striker, and five shark-like mafia goons. Striker pushed aside two goons and strolled forward.

Crimson glared at Striker. “If you wanna prove yourself, cowboy, here’s your chance!”

Striker grinned in response, stalking toward the imps. His tail hissed and swayed.

“You been a pain in my ass long enough, Blitz.” His eyes and sclera glowed menacingly in the dark. He took out his lasso and stretched it in his hands. “NOW I’m gonna break you like a FUCKIN’ HORSE!”

“Ooohhh, don’t you dare talk sexy to ME!” Blitzo smirked in response.

Fizzarolli scowled. “You’re still on that horse thing?!”

Striker laughed darkly as he and Crimson and the goons inched forward. Blitzo suddenly had an idea.

“Fizz! Remember how you used to distract my dad so I could steal his booze?”

“I mean, yeah, why?” Fizzarolli asked.

“Yeah, well I need to get up to that window there to bust us out.” Blitzo pointed to a boarded-up hole in the wall, high up.

Fizzarolli chuckled, ready for some fun, one finger up. “Ohohoo! One distraction, comin’ up!”

Fizzarolli leaped forward, touching a white goon’s chin, touching two other goon’s hats, and posing on a tall stack of boxes. There was a spotlight on him that wasn’t there before. He soon began his entertaining improvised song, “Look At This.”

“Look At This”

Fizzarolli slid to the floor and sang:

“When I was a young boy…”

“I’d never thought it comes to this…”

He dramatically hugged three of Crimson’s goons with his robotic arms.

“The scars all seem to heal…”

Fizzarolli moved his face against a disgusted Crimson’s, his robotic arm sparking as he pinched his face. He then jumped and wrapped his arms around a shelf, the spotlight on him.

“And soon all I feel is regret.”

He posed on top of the shelf.

“And nooow I’m a grown man…”

He dramatically fell to the floor.

“I’ve lost it all again…”

He jumped on top of a stack of boxes.

“But what I’ll miss the most…”

Blitzo threw banana peels and candy warpers onto Fizzarolli as if it were confetti. Fizzarolli grabbed Blitzo and pulled him into a dance. They did a circular dance, going on either side until Blitzo found himself being held by Fizzarolli with one hand under his back. Blitzo blushed as he looked up at his face.

“Pay close attention, while you get a look at…”

“THIS!”

Fizzarolli dropped Blitzo and displayed Blitzo’s car keys on a gold keychain shaped like a Twilight Sparkle unicorn pony. He jumped and opened up a box of gold and gems.

“YEAH! LOOK AT THIS!”

He held up a treasure map with a red pentagram on it. Blitzo snuck sideways in the background.

“THEN LOOK AT THAT!” Fizzarolli focused the heads of two goons away from the sneaking Blitzo.

“And here’s a hat!”

Fizzarolli placed a red hat on his head with monster teeth, a white feather and two playing cards on it. He danced and posed on top of another stack of boxes.

“This nonsense mostly doesn’t mean a thiiing!”

Striker briefly glanced behind him at the sneaking Blitzo, but Fizzarolli abruptly grabbed his head to face him.

“But listen closely, maybe it explains EVERYTHING!”

“The secret to Bitcoin!”

A video showed a businessman with glasses, brown hair, and a suit, who was admiring a pile of money in his hands. “Success” was in red in the corner with a green upward jagged arrow. Two coins spun to the sides of the screen and the title read, “Bitcoin, How to get RICH in 5 Steps!”

“Computers and microchips!”

Fizzarolli’s outfit briefly changed to a shirt with black and white checkered squares and a bowtie. The video changed to a purple outer space 80’s background with lines making up digital mountains. A gold Illuminati pyramid showed a large eye with a pink pentagram in the center with hypnotic pink and yellow circles. Fizzarolli turned white on a screen as 0s and 1s flashed by in the background. He did noodle movements with his arms like Squidward as psychedelic colors flashed and waved in the background.

The spotlight turned gold on Fizzarolli as he held a gold key with devil horns on it and placed it into one of the goon’s hands. He gave a coin to another goon, who eyed it.

“The key to the future!”

Fizzarolli bounced back and forth in rapid motions.

“If you only LOOK AT THIS!”

He hugged a disgusted Striker and Crimson from behind.

“Riches untold! You’ll have dollars of gold!”

He placed gold coins in their hands with stars, a smiley face and “fool” on them. Striker glared at Fizzarolli while Crimson tried to bite into his coin.

“If you focus on me as the story unfolds…”

Blitzo piled boxes in a tower toward the window. Fizzarolli moved his face close to the screen, distorting it.

“LOOK AT THIS!”

“I hold the key to the mystery!”

Fizzarolli showed them a book with a pentagram in it and tossed it aside.

“LOOK AT THIS!”

Fizzarolli jumped into the air, sending boxes falling, along with a white Mammon shirt and other junk. He then wrapped his arms around all the villains, constricting them like a snake.

“Look at nothing except for ME!”

He pressed his face up to Crimson’s, Fizzarolli’s eyes briefly flashing teal, yellow and pink. He spun the villains around.

“LOOK AT THIS!”

Fizzarolli held a flashlight to his face and made rabid sounds. He babbled as he waved his arms, making a shadow silhouette behind him. He picked up a fat dizzy goon shark in a suit and hat.

“THAT WAS GIBBERISH!”

He shone the flashlight in his face with a pose on a box.

“BLITZO, HURRY THE FUCK UP!”

He then jumped and posed on a shelf.

“I don’t know how long I can do thiiiis…”

Blitzo had a protective mask on and was wielding a blowtorch over the window boards.

Blitzo called, “I’m gonna need another 60 seconds!”

“AW FUCK!” Fizzarolli spat before singing again.

“Ok the thing I’m trying to say…”

“I will say if you look this waaaay…”

“Uh, ya know it’s…it’s uh…” he stuttered.

The spotlights turned red as the goons turned to see cob-webbed boxes with plates, bowling balls, tires, umbrellas, bags, and other junk in them.

“Just as a Nonna (Grandma) Fizzarolli used to say…”

Fizzarolli hoped down and draped a fur collar around his neck. He spoke in crude Italian, insulting Crimson.

“Puzza lasagna! (Stink lasagna!)

Contorni limoncello! (Side dish limoncello!)

Fortepiano (Loud, soft!)

Buongiorno, ada Vongole (Good morning with clams!)”

One of the smaller reptile goons had hearts in his eyes, lovestruck by Fizzarolli’s Italian.

Striker glared at Crimson, as if asking what Fizzarolli was saying. Crimson shrugged.

Fizzarolli pulled Crimson into a dance and briefly choked him with his arm and his scarf.

“Luigi, Firenze, Bucatini, (Luigi, Florence, Bucatini)”

Blitzo checked his equipment before stumbling backwards, dropping sticks of dynamite to the floor. The smaller goons were crying at Fizzarolli’s performance, while Striker and Crimson pulled out their guns. Blitzo picked up a red dynamite stick and smirked. He then grinned as he found more and hammered at the wood.

“Cingale, Cingale, (Wild boar, wild boar)!”

“Soooo look at…THIS!”

Fizzarolli bashed his face with a piece of strawberry cake and frosting.

“PLEASE, LOOK AT THIS!”

He slid to the floor and held out droopy pink flowers under a pink spotlight. He squirted Striker in the face, pulled him close and shook him hard.

“I am running out of places I can take this bit!”

Blitzo grinned as he lined wire and snuck carefully across a high beam.

“SO, LOOK AT THIS!”

Fizzarolli juggled balls, a gun, and two spinning plates on sticks, balancing one of the plates on his nose.

“LOOK AT MY FACE!”

The goons flinched as black smeared mascara appeared on Fizzarolli’s face. Blitzo tossed a red dynamite stick to Fizzarolli, who held it in his hand. Blitzo flipped the villains the bird from above before they began firing at him. The beam collapsed and Blitzo jumped onto a hanging light.

“I regret every event that got me in this place…”

“This little song is driving me insane...”

“My exhaustion is audible…”

“Now the ending is probable!”

Fizzarolli punched Striker and Crimson with his long robotic arm. Blitzo grinned in victory as he pushed down on the trigger.

“Cuz’ this ruse is impossible to maintain!”

BOOM!

The window exploded, leaving a hole. Fizzarolli stretched up, allowing Blitzo to hop onto his shoulders.

“So fuckin’…”

Fizzarolli leaned back, all limbs stretched out. They both flew toward the hole…

“BYE-BYE!!!”

They both grinned and both did double flipping the birds to the villains as they fell out to freedom. The building shook and caved in…the tower of boxes collapsing. A white-faced horned tall goon solemnly lowered his hat as he prepared for the end. The building collapsed and green flames spread from it. The two imps laughed as they raced along the junkyard. They laughed and stopped to catch their breath.

“You know, you’re actually good at this action-hero bullshit,” Fizzarolli remarked.

Blitzo smiled and pointed a playful finger at Fizzarolli. “And you really know how to put on a show! (gasp) Which is almost (gasp) as impressive as the thing you said I was good at!” Fizzarolli laughed in response.

They both spotted an old striped car, looked at each other and grinned, thinking the same thing. In no time at all, Blitzo had broken in through a window with his gun, hot-wired it and the engine roared to life. The car headlights glowed an eerie green and the front of the car had the appearance of a monster mouth with sharp teeth.

Blitzo climbed over the front of the car and tripped before standing back up. He opened the passenger door and made a polite hand gesture.

“I guess, royal jesters first?”

Fizzarolli giggled and did a show of walking gracefully toward the car. He was just about to climb in when a lasso rope caught around his neck. Blitzo gasped as he spotted Fizzarolli screaming, one hand reaching out. He was being dragged away, his eight fingers making marks in the ground.

A fuming Blitzo jumped on top of the car and pointed his gun out in the distance.

“Get…your…FUCKING shit-stain claws off him!”

The greenish smoke cleared, and Striker reared his head back in laughter, his snake tongue out. He had Fizzarolli in a headlock and an angelic gun in his other hand.

Striker’s yellow eyes widened in a crazed menace. “You think I’m just gon’ let you get away after all this? I’m THOUGH losin’ these fights!” He twirled his weapon and pointed it under Fizzarolli’s chin.

“This worthless little pet REEKS of his over-bloated master…I’ll at least enjoy getting’ rid of ‘im!”

Fizzarolli smirked, despite his fear. “Ok…is it bad that I’m getting hard?”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” shouted an angry Striker, digging the revolver in deeper. “WHY’S IT ALWAYS A SEX THING?!”

Blitzo suddenly spotted two red gasoline cans. He fired a bullet at them and to his delight, the cans exploded. Fizzarolli flew into a high billboard that showed the Mammon logo and read, “Mammon’s Clown Pageant: Be there ya cunts!” Fizzarolli dropped to the ground, a small green flame on his teal heart over his shoulder.

Striker barely had time to look behind him, when the flames exploded into his eyes, face and onto his body. Now Striker was suffering the same fate that had befallen Blitzo and Fizzarolli so long ago.

Striker screeched, swayed, and scampered as the green flames danced across his clothes and body. He made frightened critter noises as he scurried away on all fours under a broken red car. His pointed tail tapped a puddle of water, extinguishing the flames on his tail before he disappeared.

Blitzo turned around and to his horror saw a terrified Fizzarolli surrounded by green flames. He reached up toward a hanging car on a hook but even his long robotic arm could not reach it. His robotic arm crackled with electricity and slumped to the ground. Fizzarolli flinched and cried as a burning telephone pole fell inches away from him. Flashbacks of a burned, helpless Fizzarolli at the circus filled Blitzo with adrenaline and dread.

“FIIIZZZ!”

Blitzo looked around frantically and spotted a metal barrel. He jumped over a line of green fire, rolling on top of the barrel. He rode on the barrel from one junk pile to the next. He rolled himself off a ramp and flew into the air. Blitzo expertly flipped from one trapeze bar to another trapeze bar. He landed on the hood of a car and onto a metal railing. He maneuvered sideways on it, holding onto the railing. He found himself on the edge of a large crane that held the car on a hook. Fizzarolli was surrounded by a circle of emerald flames.

Taking a brave breath, Blitzo leaped onto the hanging car, using his tail to wrap around the rope and hook for support. He lowered himself as much as he could, reaching out both hands for his friend. Fizzarolli strained and reached for Blitzo with his other functioning robotic arm. Thankfully, Blitzo managed to grab Fizzarolli’s hand with both his own. Straining, Blitzo lifted himself back up. Both of them flew into the air…holding each other tightly as they began to fall. Blitzo was afraid it would be the end, but fortunately, Fizzarolli swung them with his arm, which had wrapped around the bottom metal beams of the crane. They managed to swing and steady themselves onto the top of the crane.

After catching their breath, Fizzarolli glared. He shook Blitz hard and angrily cried, “YOU BLEW ME UP AGAIN YOU FUCKIN’ PRICK!”

“I did…” Blitzo began, “…but this time I stuck around.”

Fizzarolli turned around and Blitzo looked downcast. He may have saved Fizzarolli, but now it looked like their friendship was ov…

To Blitzo’s surprise, Fizzarolli embraced Blitzo in a rare hug. It was a “thank you for saving my life” gesture. Happy tears watered in Blitzo’s eyes as he returned the hug. It was a spark of hope, a promise of a new beginning. Even after so many years of misunderstanding, the power of friendship was gradually starting to return.

“If only I could make out with that clown,” Blitzo suddenly thought.

0 0 0

Part 5: Reunion

Stolas made snoring noises as he slept in his chair and blew the paper on his head. Asmodeus groaned again as his watch read 3:00. It was the witching hour; the time Crimson said the contract had to be signed. Now he worried that Fizzarolli would be lost for good. The shark read only the fifth page, smacking his lips, and drinking his coffee.

Slamming his hands on the desk, Asmodeus roared toward the shark in an angry demonic voice, his face turning red and his mane of hair and feathers glowing with red-white flames: “THAT’S IT! I’M GOING TO FUCKING END YOUR LIFE…!”

Asmodeus then froze as he heard a noise behind him. Fizzarolli parted the thick blue curtains, wiped his mouth, and looked up at Asmodeus.

Asmodeus let go of the shark and cried, “FIZZIE!”

“OZZIE!” Fizzarolli cried in turn after a giggle. He had tears in his eyes.

They both embraced and laughed, Asmodeus twirling Fizzarolli around in the air. They leaned into each other as teal fire blue hearts appeared from Asmodeus’ face.

Stolas stood up and straightened his collar and grabbed his top hat. Meanwhile, the nervous shark grabbed the contract papers and stuffed them into a drawer with his briefcase and a purple dildo. His white shirt was torn and sweaty, his red tie unkempt. Crimson would not be happy.

“Hmmm…get fucked little one,” Stolas grinned as he put on his hat and strolled through the curtains out the door.

The shark stuffed the papers into his briefcase. He placed it onto the table, stood up and looked at the duo. Asmodeus and Fizzarolli saw that the shark was now useless and bothersome. They both laughed, then advanced toward him with evil grins.

“OH MY SATAN!” were the shark’s last words as he backed into the spinning chair in fright. Thunder and lightning crashed as rain splattered from outside the giant heart-shaped window.

0 0 0

Asmodeus carried Fizzarolli through the heart-shaped double doors with the demon faces on them.

“I’m so glad you’re okay, babe,” sighed Asmodeus, nuzzling his partner’s face. He snapped his fingers and the lights turned out. He closed the door and entered a dimly lit hallway with blue flame candles in jars. “You ain’t never leaving the palace without protection AGAIN.”

The two of them walked through the hallway, teal hearts floating between their faces. Succubi and incubi froze and glanced at the couple in disgust and confusion. One succubus with long hair sat on top of a vending machine that sold condoms. An incubus in a white suit leaned against a water cooler with a cup in his hand. A muscular dark-skinned incubus sat on a long couch with two succubi in hazmat suits. Another female was flying and carrying papers. The suited incubi spat out his water as he spotted the duo. Another worker carried dildos in a box.

Fizzarolli glanced around nervously in Asmodeus’ arms. “Oz…you know there’s eyes around…”

Asmodeus shrugged. “I know. I don’t care.”

They soon stopped at a large bronze fountain that poured pink liquid into a basin. There were statues of nude incubi and succubi. One was a large-bodied succubi and one was a shirtless incubus with hearts over his nipples. Another showed a succubus carrying a bowl of the pink liquid on her head, hearts over her round breasts and privates. Another was of a slender incubus with an erect penis with water flowing from it.

Asmodeus continued. “Cuz’ they know, if they tell anyone…”

He ended with a demonic voice so they could all hear it, “…I’LL BREAK THEM!”

He punched the penis on the statue, creating cracks and a hole in the figure. Getting the message, the demons in the background scattered out the doors, frightened. Asmodeus and Fizzarolli chuckled in amusement as they reached the transparent elevator. The sign read “Authorized Personnel Only.” A nearby flyer showed a cartoon purple dildo wearing a construction worker outfit that read “Wrap your wood! Safety lessons with Johnson.”

‘Well don’t worry,” said Fizzarolli with a chuckle. “Today I learned that I hate going outside!”

They got into the elevator, and it moved upward.

“You won’t have to, again,” Asmodeus mentioned. Fizzarolli lowered his head. They arrived at an upper floor with pink round glowing lights floating around. Asmodeus carried Fizzarolli into a small dark workshop and set him down on a table. There were boxes of tools and a pair of pink cuffs hanging from a board. The board also had a saw and a heart-shaped pink ruler on it.

“I’m sorry…I got a little messy…” Fizzarolli mentioned, holding his broken arm.

Asmodeus opened up a briefcase with supplies. “You don’t need to apologize for getting banged up, babe! I’m just sorry I couldn’t be there.”

He found a robotic arm and placed it on the table next to the jester imp.

“It’s okay, Oz,” Fizzarolli replied with a smile and a blush. “Guess I’m just not used to this kinda thing.”

Asmodeus sighed. “It’s been an intense day. Just take it easy, okay?” He opened up the curtains, revealing a window and the pouring rain outside. Strings of round lights decorated the windows.

Fizzarolli moaned and sputtered, “Oh it’s fine! I’m fine! Really! You know I bounce back fast!” He weakly gave a thumbs up and held his arm, wincing from his broken arm. “So, besides my whole scary hostage thing…how was your day?” He reached out his good arm.

Asmodeus took out a white first-aid kit with the pink upside-down cross logo on it from the Sloth Ring hospital. It had a purple bottle, a pink “loob” bottle and a pair of scissors. Asmodeus held the scissors in his hand.

“Well, I was stuck with Stolas the whole time. Who by the way, asked me to give him one of my crystals as a gift for that guy you hate!”

Asmodeus carefully cut away loose wire and fabric from Fizzarolli’s right shoulder. “So…I told him ‘NO!’ Mm-hmm!” Asmodeus attached the long robotic arm to Fizzarolli. The imp sighed.

“Meh, fuck it, let him have it.”

Asmodeus looked puzzled. “Excuse me?”

“Yeah, why not? You could say, he earned it.”

Asmodeus moved closer, his hand on Fizzarolli. “Alright then.” He added in a sing-song voice, “Anything for you.”

Before long, Fizzarolli’s arm was connected once again. After fixing the wires and adding the final touches, Asmodeus tightened it in. A teal heart in a circle appeared and teal lines lit up down the black robotic limb. The arm was connected again. Fizzarolli moved his fingers, and everything was back to normal.

Fizzarolli giggled and jumped for joy. He sprang from the window, flipped through the air and Asmodeus caught him.

“Now I don’t know about you, but having a violent brush with crime has given me a whole mess of new kinks!” Fizzarolli mentioned. “Wanna go… ‘make a mess?’”

Asmodeus pressed a pink heart-shaped button and two glass doors slid open. “You really think that’s a good idea right now, Fizz?”

“Sure, don’t you?” He placed his hand onto Asmodeus’ furry face. Asmodeus took Fizzarolli’s hand and leaned his face close.

“Well…obviously.”

Both of them laughed as more teal hearts appeared between them.

“Meow, meow, cuddle, meow…” Fizzarolli purred erotically. Asmodeus carried Fizzarolli to their bedroom for a sexy session as the doors closed. To Fizzarolli’s delight and relief, all his quieves/fly-dogs were also back, safe and sound.

Chapter Text

Part One: The Prelude

“Alright, folks! Give it up for the king of all things greeeen!”

A cheering demon crowd had gathered for a spectacular concert in the Greed Ring. Green-colored spotlights hovered over the heads of the crowd while strings of round green lights arched up into the sky. Large glowing spiderwebs of magenta and neon green were spread out across the stadium and over circus tents and flags. The round stage was made of old moss-covered ship parts that jutted out haphazardly in every direction above it. Pink rectangular speakers stood on either side and Mammon’s sigil glowed magenta upon the curtains. A tattered flag of Mammon’s smiling jester face waved from the very top of the stage. Green flames sprang up in a circle around the outside of the stadium as the crowd grew excited.

A female imp with short black hair did a “horns/rocker” gesture with her hand next to another demon wearing a green and black jester hat. A pink succubus wore a neon green bra, while another imp wore green glasses, a green shirt and two glowing bracelets on her arm. A male imp with white hair and a nose-ring waved his fist in excitement.

The announcer boomed, “Hell’s number one clown! The money-maker himself!”

A screen popped out from under the stage floor and “MAMMON” appeared in bold green letters with white dots that lit up, spun, and dinged like a casino sign.

“The sin you all looove most: MAMMON KING OF GREEEED!”

Among the crowd of demons dressed in dollar-sign shirts and Mammon hats, was the teenage duo of Blitzo and Fizzarolli. The two imps had gone to the concert as friends together before the horrific future circus accident. Teenage Blitzo had braces on his yellowed fangs, a black spiked collar on his neck, green-yellow pants, black boots, and a black tank-top with “Mammon” in green-yellow letters. Teenage Fizzarolli, with red face and large stripped horns intact had a torn short green-yellow shirt with a black “M” and a dollar sign on it, along with green-yellow bracelets, dark pants and green-yellow boots with black puff balls on them. He had neon green eye make-up over his red-yellow eyes.

Four green firework flames shot out into the air from the stage. In a bang of green lightning and smoke, the towering jester appeared in showers of confetti.

“Heya, implings!” he greeted. He wore large high black boots, a layered white jester outfit and in the center of his chest was a gold button with a dollar sign on it. He had four slender arms, one of which held a yellow-green electric guitar with a gold star on the end and a gold jester crown shape on the head of it. Green and black striped leggings covered his legs and a white and black large jester hat with a black dollar sign on it was perched on top of his head. Yellow bells hung from his hat. Sunglasses were over his eyes. He slid down to the ground in a pose, holding the guitar in three of his hands. Two hands were white and two were black.

“How’re your little (*clown HONK sound*) doing tonight?! I hope you’re ready for the best fucking show you will ever see in your shit lives!”

Mammon peered close with a sharp-toothed grin as more flames shot into the air. His tongue was long and purple with yellow stripes.

Blitzo, Fizzarolli and the crowd jumped up and down, chanting “Mammon! Mammon! Mammon!” Blitzo did “rocker” gestures with his hands.

“Right,” Mammon continued. “I got tons of really fuckin’ cool shit for you ‘ere tonight, but first…”

He twirled his guitar in one hand and slammed it upright on the stage. Mammon’s sigil glowed neon green behind him.

“How many of you worthless bitches wanna be big clowns like me someday?”

“I do, I do!” yelled Fizzarolli.

“Me, me, me, me, me!” yelled Blitzo. The teens jumped up and down.

“Well, I’m happy to announce that I will be starting up a new, yearly clown pageant!”

A screen above him read “MAMMON’S SUPER RAD AS FUCKING SHIT CLOWN PAGEANT!” “Fucking” was in red, “rad” and “shit’ were teal blue, and the other words were green.

“YEEAAHH!” the crowd cheered as the green fireworks shot from the stage again. Dollar bills rained into the crowd.

“You know like one ‘a them fucked up beauty contests, but for clowns, so it’s BETTER!”

“IT’S BETTER!” The sign flashed the words as pointed arrows pointed at the sign. More green fireworks, raining money, and hollers from the crowd.

“Just for all you aspiring clown kids out there!” He picked up a small boy imp (a younger Wally Wackford) with thick round glasses and overalls. “A new chance to work with me, Mammon!” Mammon pulled the kid to his face in a hug, the boy smiled, eyes wide.

Blitzo flinched. Fizzarolli stared at Mammon with wonder-filled eyes and an agape expression.

“And to be the new face of my clownish brand!” Mammon continued. Wally Wackford yelled as Mammon shot him back into the crowd like a rubber-band.

“I can’t wait to see all the new talent I can exploit…um…fuck.” Mammon stuttered, almost revealing his greedy intentions. “Wait I mean…enjoy!” He laughed nervously. “Uh, watching me grow my empire!” He spread out his arms before putting his hands on his hips.

“Also, if you’re a chick, maybe give up on your dreams now. ‘Cause I’m not gonna lie: women just ain’t funny.”

Comically, the show’s producer, writer, and director Vivienne Medrano’s name appeared briefly on the screen.

“ANYWAY! My plan is to find the new face of my brand! YEAH! So, they gotta bring the good shit! The winner will get to be like the son I never had! And I’ll be like the stepdad that will love you when it’s convenient!”

Blitzo was disturbingly reminded of his own manipulative father, Cash Buckzo, who loved money and Fizzarolli more than him.

“Wow!” admired Fizzarolli, Blitzo giving him a look.

Mammon continued. “You might be a lunchbox, an action figure, Saturday morning cartoon. Hell, I might even make a sex robot of ya! I don’t know! I mean, if it’ll make money, sure. But it’s not weird.” He glanced around nervously.

He then pointed to a short white-haired male imp wearing glasses, and a yellow-green Mammon hoodie, “You’re weird, you sick fuck!” Next to the imp was a female wearing a bra with dollar signs on them and a green streak in her black hair.

“And if you say it’s exploitation, fuck you!” Mammon stuck his nose in the air. “It’s not exploitation! If you think that then you’re a dickhead!”

Crickets chirped as the crown went awkwardly silent.

“Anyway, CLOWNS!” roared Mammon as the crowd erupted into cheers again.

“ALRIGHT, LET’S GO, YEEEAAAHH!” One of the imps had a ring on his horn.

The cheers turned to panicked screams as an army of clowns pounced onto the crowd.

0 0 0

In the dark green Greed sky, a glowing neon green coin spun slowly like a moon. It had an “M” and a dollar sign on it. Blitzo and Fizzarolli walked home after the concert, old warehouse buildings around them. Overhead were round streetlights shining red still spotlights.

“Alright, I’m gonna say it,” Blitzo began with a chuckle. “That was too many clowns.”

“I have to win that pageant someday,” Fizzarolli exclaimed. “Can you imagine how amazing it would be to get to work with him?!”

Blitzo glanced at his friend. “What’s the point? Isn’t being the star of our imp circus enough? Plenty of people already know who you are, Fizz. You don’t need to go work for Mammon like some creepy mascot.”

“It’s not about that!” Fizzarolli said. “It’s getting to work with my idol. I just love that he’s giving someone new the chance to be in the spotlight! He’s an inspiration!” He stared dreamily at the sky; hands clasped together.

“Well, he’s…definitely something alright,” Blitzo mentioned as they walked under a red streetlight. “I mean I dunno, was it worth all our savings just to have him put on an over-hyped commercial, and then bitch about taxes, and then assault us with clowns, vomit, and pass out on stage?”

Fizzarolli laughed. “So worth it!”

Behind a streetlight post, a horned figure with glasses spied on the imp duo. The streetlight flickered ominously as the shadow darted off.

Fizzarolli sighed. “Blitzo, do you think I could win if I worked really hard?”

“I think…” Blitzo began and smiled. “I think if anyone’s gonna be the new clown face on everything…”

He rubbed Fizzarolli’s face affectionally with his fist and laughed. “…it’ll be you, Fizz.” Fizzarolli smiled.

“Holy shit, you’re Fizzarolli!” cried a voice in front of them. Blitzo and Fizzarolli stopped short with surprised expressions. “Oh MAN! Your stuff is great!”

A red streetlight shone on a tall lanky imp wearing a green shirt, black pants, and square glasses. He had white hair and a beard stubble. His name was Arick “Burnie” Burnz a.k.a. “Creepzo”.

Fizzarolli took a step back. He laughed nervously with a wave. “Oh h-hey there. Thank you, I appreciate that.”

Blitzo and Fizzarolli began to walk away, but the avid fan rushed forward to block their path.

“Whoa…oh…okay…” Fizzarolli breathed, hands up.

“After seeing your shows, I wanted to get into clown performing, too!” Creepzo exclaimed. “I’m really good!”

Fizzarolli chuckled awkwardly and walked toward him. Blitzo glared, arms folded.

“Hey, aren’t you that creep who’s always trying to sniff around our dressing rooms?” Blitzo asked in suspicion.

Creepzo grabbed Fizzarolli’s wrist, hard. “I have the best idea for a duo performance between us, that should spice up your act.” He pulled Fizzarolli to his chest, showing a sharp-toothed yellow grin. “Picture this: we start it like a romantic ballroom dance or a…”

“Dude, weird fuckin’ pitch! Fuck off!” Blitzo yelled.

Creepzo gripped Fizzarolli’s wrist harder. “I was talking to the clown, asshole!” He spun Fizzarolli around in a twisted dance. “I’m sorry Fizzie, I’m not normally so aggressive, I promise. I’ve just waited my whole life for an opportunity like this!” Fizzarolli froze in fear, his face reflected in Creepzo’s glasses. He continued. “With your fame, and my raw undiscovered talent, I know we can…”

“Hey shit-dick, beat it now, or I’ll make ya swallow your fangs!” Blitzo yelled, raising a finger and fist at Creepzo and walking forward.

Creepzo then turned to gaslighting. “Fizz! You don’t want me to leave, right? Tell him you don’t want me to go!”

Fizzarolli’s eyes darted around. “I-um…” Gathering courage, he pulled his wrist from Creepzo’s grip. “We have to go now! Thanks, though!” Blitzo gave Creepzo a shove as he followed Fizzarolli.

Creepzo dramatically crouched under the red streetlight. “Eugh! Fizz! FIZZAROLLI!” He spread out his arms.

Fizzarolli briefly looked back, before walking with Blitzo.

“Fine! Fuck you!” Creepzo spat. “You think you’re better than me, you elitist prick? Your act’s fucking trash anyways!”

“Cheeeese and hot sauce, Fizz,” Blitzo interrupted. “Your fans are something else.”

“What if my acts are trash? What if I’m never good enough?” Tears formed in Fizzarolli’s eyes.

“Hey, hey, don’t let one asshole get to you, ‘kay?” Blitzo said. “You’re, you’re plenty good enough.”

“But I have to be perfect,” Fizzarolli said.

Blitzo groaned. “Do you?”

Fizzarolli walked assertively. “I’ll just have to keep practicing, and someday, maybe, I’ll be good enough for Mammon.”

0 0 0

Mammon appeared on a TV commercial, wearing a green jester outfit with dollar sign tinsels on his hat. His eyes glowed yellow and his face appeared in confetti.

“It’s me, Mammon! And I’m here to announce the amazing new brand: Fizzie!”

Under a spotlight, Fizzarolli posed in his colorful jester outfit as confetti and dollar sign confetti sprinkled around him. There was a sound effect of children cheering.

“We got a Fizzie for every occasion!” announced Mammon. “We got fluffy toy Fizzie…”

The ad showed a Fizzarolli toy being stepped on.

“Fireman Fizzie…”

A Fizzarolli robot seductively posed lying down in a fireman suit, holding a hose that sprayed water onto the floor in an arc.

“Therapist Fizzie…”

The next clip showed an incubus in a business outfit sobbing on a green couch chair as a Fizzarolli robot wore glasses and took notes on a clipboard.

“Wait in line for you, Fizzie.”

Another Fizzarolli robot held two big grocery bags in his hands as he stepped in line, wearing heart sunglasses. The grocery bags read “Hellmart” on them with pentagram logos.

“Doctor Fizzie…beeps every time it senses cancer!”

A Fizzarolli robot beeped in a white doctor’s outfit as he scanned a concerned male imp in a hospital gown sitting on a table. The scanner turned red and read “LOL, RIP.”

“Fat Fizzie, skinny Fizzie…”

A Fizzarolli robot blew up like a balloon before going skinny.

“So many Fizzies!”

A pile of Fizzarolli toys grew as Mammon sat on top.

Mammon added. “And if you wanna fuck ‘em, YOU CAN!” “YOU CAN FUCK THEM!” appeared in green letters along with “Dishwasher safe.”

“We got Fizzies for the kids…”

A dog kid and a goat kid were pulling on a Fizzarolli toy’s robotic arms and hat as they fought over it.

“Fizzies for the teens…”

A teenage imp wearing glasses sat at a desk with computers and sat on another Fizzarolli robot. The Fizzarolli robot gave a thumbs up.

“…and Fizzies for you sick fucking degenerate adults!”

A succubus with hearts in her eyes, a fat female imp and a purple male demon wearing glasses kissed and hugged a smiling Fizzarolli robot. The robot made a gesture with its hands of a penis going into a vagina.

“We got ‘em all!” called Mammon as his smiling face appeared again with a purple background. The advertisement description appeared on the screen. “69.99! ORDER NOW!!! NO REFUNDS! IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, IT’S YOUR FAULT!”

“All based on my new face, Fizzieeee!”

He pulled the real Fizzarolli close to him. Sweat appeared on Fizzarolli’s face and he grinned nervously.

“That’s me!” Fizzarolli pointed to himself and laughed uncomfortably.

They posed in front of a large “BUY” word which was green and decorated with yellow round theater lights. Mammon did rocker signs with his four hands as fireworks of pink, teal and purple appeared on the screen. “Buy yours now! Do it!” The ad ended with Mammon disappearing in a cloud of green smoke, confetti, and gold dollar signs.

“Oh fuck, Mammon is gonna notice that!” Fizzarolli cried in fear. He stared at himself in a large mirror and wore a yellow house robe with a pink scarf that had red hearts on it. A white heart inside a pink heart was on his forehead. A lighter-striped jester hat covered his horns. The mirror was decorated with round theater lights and a pink frame with hearts on them. The drawers also had pink heart designs and a large lavender heart was on the back of the long chair. Lipsticks, makeup, foundations, perfumes, and other products filled the desk in front of Fizzarolli. The vanity area also had a fancy heart-themed tent over it.

“Ozzie! Where did my foundation go?!” Fizzarolli panicked as he picked up various bottles. He was in Asmodeus’ palace in one of the elegant spacious rooms.

Asmodeus stared at Fizzarolli from behind, looking concerned. He put his hand on his hip. “This is the tenth year in a row you’ve done this stupid pageant, Froggie. And you win every time!” He folded his arms. “How come you’re always so dead set on this?”

Fizzarolli held his head with clenched hands. “I wanna make Mammon proud, okay? He’s…really passionate about the craft of clown. He expects perfection, so I-I gotta be perfect.”

Asmodeus walked over and chuckled. “Fizz, you ain’t perfect! Nobody is!” He put a hand on Fizzarolli’s shoulder and gave him a playful poke on his face. “How aboooout, you sit this one out and let someone else take the spotlight?” He spread out his arms. “You deserve a break. Or a vacation where you don’t have to…fend off creeps the entire time.”

Fizzarolli scoffed. “I had to fend off creeps before the robots. I just have thirstier ones, now. Besides, I…just have to do this!”

“Lemme rephrase,” said Asmodeus, annoyed. “I don’t like how many creeps you have now, thanks to Mammon. And I don’t like designing sex toys with your likeness for him! Pretty sure you feel the same.”

Fizzarolli did secretly feel that way. His eyes glanced around. At the same time, he didn’t want to drag Asmodeus into his problems.

He looked back at Asmodeus. “I just don’t think about it, a toy is a toy!”

He looked away. “Look, Ozz, I’m fine.” He looked back. “Working for Mammon is a big deal to me. He’s been my idol since I was five, I can’t just…not compete! I’d be letting him down! Th-the fans down!”

Asmodeus leaned forward, jabbing a finger. “Mammon can eat my ass! In a bad way. Fizz, I’ve known that guy since the start of Hell and He. Fucking. Sucks! Always has! He doesn’t even do clown shit anymore.”

Fizzarolli glanced downward. Could Asmodeus be right?

Asmodeus looked at Fizzarolli and sighed…some teal-blue flames came out of his mouth and vanished. He held a purple striped foundation bottle for Fizzarolli. “I just don’t want you doing all this for someone’s approval.” Asmodeus looked at his partner sadly and added, “Sometimes heroes let you down.”

Fizzarolli grinned and took the bottle. He opened it and puffed foundation onto his head, getting rid of a dark spot.

“I know, Ozz, but this i-is for me,” he stuttered. “I don’t wanna lose.”

Knowing that he wasn’t going to convince Fizzarolli to change his mind, Asmodeus gave him a last sad look. He put a finger to his chin and departed to another room…he suddenly had an idea.

Meanwhile, back at his apartment, Blitzo sat on his worn striped couch, eating cereal with a spoon from a bowl. A bag of chips – “plain ass flavor,” was on the floor, next to two bowls and more chips. Another red bag of chips read “spicy” on it, and a plate of Swiss cheese was on one of the couch arms. Blitzo chewed furiously as his cellphone rang. His cellphone cover read “Ride me” on it as he picked it up. “Yello?” he asked, mouth full.

Asmodeus peered at Fizzarolli from behind the curtains. “Is this…Fizz’s former bestie, then lifelong enemy, then recent hero, now newly rekindled sort of friend, Blitz?”

“Ehh, that is a weird way to put it, but eeyup that’s me.”

“This is Asmodeus.”

Blitzo’s eyes went wide. “Oh shit, the big Ozz himself! Heh, is there a reason you’re calling me on the weekend your sin-sinness? Sinfulness? Sin…royal big man?”

“You’ve lived rent free in Fizz’s head for years, so I can’t help but feel he values your take on things.”

Blitzo watched two cartoon ponies fall in love and kiss on TV. He was like a kid enjoying a Saturday morning cartoon. “Yeah, I was the one who usually had the stronger opinions. Yeah like, like one time, he tried convincing me that juggling was cool, but it’s only a little cool at best.”

Asmodeus continued, walking down the hall near blue walls with gear designs. “Look, he’s dead set on re-entering Greed’s yearly clown pageant.”

“Wow, big fucking surprise there,” Blitzo said sarcastically.

“I was hoping to have some…backup in convincing him that this thing is a waste of time.”

Blitzo happily ate his Swiss cheese after pouring hot sauce on it. He swallowed it whole, then asked. “What? Why? Doesn’t he always win?”

Asmodeus growled. “’Cause Mammon is a selfish, manipulative piece of shit! And Fizz…doesn’t listen to me when I try to tell him that.”

“Well, my special skills are killing things without giving fucks, and pointing out people’s flaaaws…” He beamed. “Alright, count me in!” Asmodeus smiled.

0 0 0

A huge crowd gathered near Mammon’s stadium, excited to see the stars of the show. The show was taking place in the same spot that Mammon’s concert had been held: around the parts of an old ship. Two large circus tents had black and red stripes and glowing yellow spider-web designs on them. The flags on top were part orang and part green. There were smaller tents nearby that sold popcorn, drinks, and other concessions. The main tent was decorated with strings of light, orange, and blue flags. It displayed a glowing sign that read “Mammon Theatre” in green letters, the gold border designed like Mammon’s jester logo with purple eyes. Mammon’s large green sigil glowed on the ground underneath the tent. A long red carpet led to the tent entrance.

Cameras flashed as a black limo decorated with blue flame designs on the side rolled up.

“Hup-hup-hey!” Fizzarolli did a roll out of the limo and posed with his arms in the air. Confetti rained down on the jester as Asmodeus appeared next to Fizzarolli from a teal ball of fire. Asmodeus waved, dressed in a purple suit with vertical red stripes. Fizzarolli wore his usual jester outfit, with a puffy white collar and a striped jester hat with red on one side and light blue on the other. The front was red and dress-shaped, decorated with yellow hearts on the bottom. Three black tassels hung from his neck with yellow bells on the ends. Large bells hung from the end of his hat. The heart on his forehead was teal, black, and red.

“Fuck!” Blitzo fell flat on his face on the carpet. Yet again, he was playing the role of a bodyguard in Hell.

“We love you, Fizz!” yelled the crowd. “Yeah, baby, yeah!” Fizzarolli smiled and waved as he made his way down.

Blitzo stood up and brushed himself off, wearing a tattered black suit and dark sunglasses. He ran to catch up. “Wow, I have not been to a crowd event in years.” He held out his pistol with teeth as part of the design.

Fizzarolli glared at him. “Can you remind me why you’re here, again?”

“I…uhh…invited him,” Asmodeus mentioned, as Blitzo pointed his gun and ran off. He leaned down and whispered, “To help you, with extra security. You know your fans. Since I can’t be with you, I felt he’d be the next best thing.”

“He’d be the next best thing?” Fizzarolli flinched in disgust.

“Well, he kept you safe when I wasn’t able to, so I trust that.”

An angry Blitzo pressed his double-barrel weapon near the cheek of an imp boy fan who were cheering “Yes!” He and a girl imp were wearing green. Asmodeus laughed nervously.

Fizzarolli grumbled in suspicion, assuming Asmodeus’ and Blitzo’s behaviors were quite odd. “Mmm-hmm. L’il sus, babe.”

Asmodeus frowned before he and Blitzo accidentally bumped into each other. They briefly nodded before Asmodeus flew away to the sky in a teal comet of flames.

“You’re doing an awesome job, Fizzarolli!” cheered the crowd heartedly. Fizzarolli forced a wide grin as he waved. Blitzo appeared by his side.

“Come on, it’s just like old times,” Blitzo mentioned. “I’ll make sure no one gives you shit, today.”

“You mean besides you?” Fizzarolli retorted.

Before Blitzo could respond, the ground shook and the ruler of Greed himself appeared in a blast of green smoke. He was dressed in a large green jester outfit, with a jester hat with gold dollar signs dangling down. The outfit was black and green, with diamonds on it with gold trim. The black part on his jester hat looked like a crown. He carried a green and gold cane with a green dollar sign on it. He put two fingers on his cheeks and grinned. He also had black pointed boots and striped, green pants.

“Aaay, there he is!”

He gripped Fizzarolli’s chin with a thick white hand. “Now how’s my bright, shiny, brand baby doing?” He squeezed Fizzarolli’s cheeks and shook him hard. “Ready to reclaim your win another year? Yeah?” He towered over Fizzarolli, eyes glowing green.

Fizzarolli answered, his voice muffled, “You know it, Mammon, sir.”

“Goood, cause, you know…” he bent down to look at Fizzarolli’s face. “I saw your competition, and it’s pretty stiff, right? You are gonna have to try extra-hard like-fixin’ that posture. Not gonna lie, you’re looking a bit chungo, yeah?” He waved his arm near Fizzarolli’s belly. “Maybe lose a few so we don’t gotta make any more adjustments to the Fizzies. People like ‘em skinny as FUCK.”

Blitzo hid his weapon away, took off his sunglasses and seethed at Mammon talking down to his friend.

“Oh, right, sir. Of course! I’ll work on that,” Fizzarolli stuttered.

“What?!” Blitzo spat.

“Oh. And who’s this dumpster-diver ya got here with ya?” Mammon asked, glaring at Blitzo.

Blitzo stormed over to Mammon. “Hi, yes, nice to meet you, I’m the one who saw through your fake-ass bullshit from the day I had to spend all my savings on the shit covered dick show you called a performance. Thanks for that, by the way.”

Fizzarolli laughed nervously. “Haha-ha-ignore him, sir. He’s uh-he’s like this all the time. He thinks he’s funny.”

“Offended,” Blitzo glowered.

“Riight, yeah. You can shut you (HONK) ass mouth, boy,” Mammon shot at Blitzo. He turned to Fizzarolli and spread his arms. “I’ll see you on stage! And don’t forget to fucking smile, Fizzarolli.” He shook him hard, gripping his arms as Fizzarolli did a nervous salute.

“The smile is the face people like to seeeee from you!” He grinned and Fizzarolli forced a grin of his own. Mammon vanished in a cloud of green smoke and gold dollar signs.

“Wow, that guy sucks so hard,” Blitzo glared.

“Look, Blitz,” Fizzarolli barked. “I don’t know why Ozz brought you here, but can you at least not talk back to my boss?! I need this gig!”

“Why?” Blitzo asked. “Don’t you have the world’s best sugar daddy?”

Fizzarolli was incredibly lucky to have a partner like Asmodeus in his life. But now that he was back in Greed with the spotlight on him again, he could think of nothing else but winning the contest and pleasing Mammon…if only to avoid failure and abuse…

“I just need it, okay?!” Fizzarolli yelled, then sighed and turned away. He put his hand to his forehead then stood and took a deep breath. “Smile inside and out,” he told himself. He knew deep down that Blitzo had been right about his obsessive, damaging need to be perfect, but that didn’t matter now.

Fizzarolli waved and walked down the carpet as the crowd cheered, “We love you, Fizz!”

“Ready for another win, Fizz?” asked the crowd.

“Oh, pfft, well,” Fizzarolli began. “I don’t wanna assume, but as always, I have an act that’s without a doubt gonna…”

“Fucking lose!” called two female voices.

A tall slender lionfish-like woman walked over and flipped back her long black and green hair, her skin a tanish-green. She had long black leggings with green diamonds on one side and a green stripe on the other side. She had a neon green short skirt with jester tassels on her waist. Her gloves were neon green, and her black sleeves had green dots on one side. Her dark green crop top with an upside-down heart at the top, revealed her belly. Her hair was black with green spiky highlights on the top and green diamonds on the outside. Thin tan horns with black tips jutted straight up from her head. Around her glowing grey/blue eyes were black eyelashes decorated like the jester tassels and bells on her skirt.

The other twin woman posed beside the first, wearing matching black leggings with green diamonds and a green stripe. She wore a short dress, light green on the top with a dark green pointed design on the bottom. Her crop top and long sleeves were black and on the top was a small green puff ball. She had fingerless gloves on and a black collar around her neck. Her long hair in a ponytail was light green on the outside with a black stripe and black dots and dark green on the inside with spiky bangs. The light green hair at the top of her head resembled lionfish scales, as did her eyelashes of neon green fins with black trim around her glowing grey-blue eyes. Black crosses went through her eyes as part of the design.

The first twin was Glam and the second was Glitz, the two fish twin performers from the Envy Ring. They posed and with a gasp, the crowd cheered.

“Oooh, fun,” Fizzarolli began, unsure. “You gals gonna be competing as well? That’s really nice.”

“You can shut up now, you fugly imp,” mocked Glitz with a sharp-toothed grin.

“Yeah, see we didn’t come to chat, we came to win,” Glam added. They circled each other and posed again.

“Wow what attractive attitudes you got,” Fizzarolli sarcastically remarked, hands on his hips.

“Like we care what your opinion is Fizza…ah…” Glitz began, trying to come up with an insult.

“…rotty!” Glam laughed.

Glitz stomped her foot at her sister. “Shut up, I was thinking of one!”

“Should’ve been faster,” Glam remarked as the two twins stood back-to-back, arms folded.

“Whore!” Glitz spat.

“Slow-ass bitch!” Glam fired back.

“You know it’s pretty telling that you snatches can’t even keep your stupid mirror schtick together,” Blitzo deadpanned, standing by Fizzarolli. He put out his fingers in an “L” loser gesture. “It ain’t cute.” The twins sort of reminded Blitzo of the snotty suburban lady from Envy he had met in the Sloth Ring hospital.

“We don’t need to,” replied Glitz as the two women both turned to their sides and put out their hands at the same time.

“We put our energy towards our performance,” added Glam. They swirled around each other in seductive sways.

“And winning Mammon’s favor,” bragged Glitz.

Fizzarolli did a strained grin. “Oh well. I look forward to seeing what you do, and may the best clown w…”

“We plan to!” interrupted the twins who laughed maliciously. Glam flipped them the bird as Glitz laughed maliciously. The sisters strutted away between the imps.

“…win,” Fizzarolli somberly finished.

Blitzo growled, folding his arms with his sunglasses back on. “Aw man, I didn’t give a rat’s ass about this competition, but Christ on a stick, Fizz, pile drive those sluts!”

Fizzarolli grew more pressured and nervous as the circus music began. It was showtime!

0 0 0

Part Two: The Contest

The stage was located inside an old ship…the opening looked like a giant mouth with sharp teeth. Strings of lights and orange and blue flags were hung all around for decoration. A glowing green spider web held it all together.

“We’ve certainly got some quality up here tonight, folks,” called the announcer. Seven spotlights shone on Fizzarolli, the Glam Sisters, a succubus with a green clown wig and green overalls, a fat clown imp in white, a thin green clown with a white face, and a fat clown with orange hair.

The announcer called, “Will Mr. Ten Years Running come out on top? Or is it time for fresh meat?”

Like a giant spider eager to catch prey, Mammon lounged on his green glowing spider web, flanked by two female jester robots with glowing teal eyes. Their jester caps and outfits were black, green, and yellow, also decorated with dollar signs. One was fanning Mammon while the other held a bowl of chicken legs. Mammon ripped into a chicken leg in his hands and chewed with excitement. A green lollipop with horns, a hamburger, blue cotton candy, a cupcake, and a spilled bag of popcorn were stuck on his spider web.

A song described the exciting contest.

“Juggling, it’s objectively cool.

Our returning champ is nobody’s fool!”

Fizzarolli smiled as he rode a unicycle with a pink pentagram design on the wheel. He rapidly juggled five balls under the spotlight and the balls then bounced off his head. Mammon’s sigil cast a neon green light in the background.

“But what’s this?

The twins bring it up to the wire!

Also, they’re on fire!

Points for style!

(Points for style)”

Balancing on a high wire, Glitz and Glam posed on their own pentagram unicycle. Glam rode the unicycle and held up Glitz who posed upside down on her sister’s hands, while juggling balls with her feet. Glitz lowered the balls for Glam to balance on her knee. They both glowed with white-teal flames, a dazzling pyrotechnic effect. Glitz spread out her legs and then bent down to grin with Glam as they got points.

“The crowd goes wild!

(Crowd goes wild)”

The scoreboard showed Glitz and Glam at 123 points, Fizzarolli at 115 points, Kevin at 13 points and Frank at 3 points.

“It’s the pie gag and the twins want a taste.

But what’s this?

It’s Fizz in the face!”

The twins were about to throw white pies with cherries on top into their faces. They swayed their hips and grinned, holding hands. They wore identical dark green suits, Glitz with a right-side up heart and Glam with an upside-down heart on her suit. They wore bunny ears over their horns, Glitz’s were dark green with a little light green and Glam’s were light green with a little dark green. Fizzarolli grinned as he stepped between them, both pies comically hitting his face. The sisters fumed as Fizzarolli headed over to a purple chair with a rainbow heart on it.

“He takes the cake, and he eats it, too!

He’s hungry to win and he’s covered in goo!”

Fizzarolli wore a yellow top with two black hearts over the nipples, a small red heart, and an orange bowtie. More cream pies were thrown at Fizzarolli, covering him in cream from head to toe. Fizzarolli grinned and seductively posed as he kicked his leg in the air, cream pie hitting the sisters on their heads.

“That’s points for cream!

The crowd screams!”

The scores were now 375 for Fizzarolli, 327 for Glitz and Glam, 13 for Kevin and behind Kevin was Frank. Kevin had 101, Frank had 103 and Pierrot had 3.

Then started the third act.

“Ba-ba-ballons, he’s pumping them out.

From where I’m sittin’, you can hear the crowd.

(Ah-ah-ah-ah)”

Fizzarolli grinned as he held eight balloons in his hands. He made a giant balloon face reminiscent of Mammon. The white face had sharp teeth, red eyes, and a green flower-like mane. More balloons floated.

“Not give a shit, ‘cuz the twins are here!

They’re full of sin and they’re here to win!”

The twins made a large, two-layer crown made of gold-colored balloons. They both lifted it up and it landed on the Mammon balloon head. An ecstatic greedy Mammon laughed and pointed in approval.

Glitz and Glam and Fizzarolli were now tied at a demonic 666 points! Kevin had 404, Frank at 103 and Pierrot at 3.

“Holy moly!

Things are not looking good for Fizzarolli!”

The twins leered at Fizzarolli, who grit his teeth nervously. Sweat fell down his face.

Four green spotlights and two blue spotlights revealed Mammon who appeared from the air in green smoke, rainbow confetti, and yellow dollar bill signs made of electricity.

“And now you (HONK) we are down to our clownly finalists!” he yelled as he grabbed the microphone. He lifted the microphone stand in the air with a pose as green firework sparks ejected from the stage. “GRAND FINALE” glowed in bold yellow letters on an overhead screen. A nude pink succubus was sitting on the head of an imp, squeezing his face. Her breasts were painted with green dollar signs. She wore green striped clown caps over her horns with dollar sign bells on the ends. She held a sign that read “CHARGE ME, MAMMON! 6669-966966 – 69996.” Her eyes caught on green fire as she stared into the light and fell off the imp.

Mammon continued. “My very own pride and joy, the marketable son I never had, Fizzarolli!”

He lifted up Fizzarolli from his neck with his arm, patting his face with a hand. Fizzarolli forced a big grin and a small wave from up on the screen.

“And the surprisingly funny women act that made me reflect on my earlier statements…”

Fizzarolli rubbed his behind as Mammon rushed over to the sisters.

“…the Glam Sisters!” The two sisters posed, fingers pointing out in gun-like gestures and revealed evil grins toward Fizzarolli. Mammon roughly pulled Fizzarolli to the front of the stage by his arm. The twins held hands.

“Now we’re gonna have a quick meet and greet with our finalists!” Mammon announced before vanishing in smoke and dollar bill signs again.

0 0 0

Mammon made a “gimmie’ gesture with his black hand. “…so fork it over, kitties! You know it’s worth it!”

He laughed manically as he tossed bags of money into a bin with his logo on it. He kicked a bunch of fans into the room. There were glowing green spider webs in the corner and the ceiling had a design of glowing magenta diamond spider webs. Round strings of lights and flags decorated the room from above. Fans lined up to hand Mammon their bags of money to see the stars of the show. Mammon danced on his leg as he took two bags of money with two of his hands and tossed them in his bin. A white and gold treasure chest was also in the bin. An imp dressed as a clown bowed to Mammon and handed him a pile of dollar bills. He kicked the fans some more before glancing at his hand. He looked in disgust at a pile of dust, a paperclip, a coin, and a stick of gum. He glared at a small imp boy with one of his horns broken and wearing worn brown clothes and a worn magenta hat. He smiled with wide admiring eyes. Mammon snapped his fingers and a paper bag labeled “Poor sap” was placed on the boy’s head as he was taken away by a muscular hellhound with clown makeup on his face.

A brown dog demon wearing round glasses handed Mammon some money and walked inside.

The twins posed for the cameras, Glam lifting up Glitz. Glitz posed on her side on her sister’s hand, making a peace sign. They basked in the attention and spotlight.

Meanwhile, Fizzarolli was nervously sneaking around behind a cardboard sign of him. Cardboard Fizzarolli posed with a wink, holding a red duster with a seductive caption: “I clean EVERY nook and cranny!” Nearby were crates of Fizzarolli themed merchandise: a body pillow, “soop/soup” cans, an alarm clock, Industrial Grade, a baseball cap with horns, a Fizzaropoly Monopoly board game, a jack-in the box, soda, Piss in a Jar, Fizzarolli Funko-Pops and action figures, chips, Fizzi-O’s cereal, magazines, and hot-sauce.

Mammon tossed in a purple goat demon with bat wings and a candle on their head. He roughly pulled in a pink succubus with a black skirt, a yellow shirt, and a pink tail with a heart on the end.

Fizzarolli wandered over to his boss and peered from behind the cardboard cutout.

“Hey Mammon, uh, I may not be, uh…i-in the right headspace to interact with the fans right now.” Fizzarolli stuttered. “Is it okay if I maybe skip the whole thing?”

“Psh, of course not,” Mammon turned around. He tossed four bags of money into his bin.

“I just don’t think that I’m really…”

Mammon shoved Fizzarolli off to the side, putting a hand over the imp’s mouth.

“Aaaw, come on Fizzie, my boy.” He patted Fizzarolli’s head with two hands. He then lifted him up and gripped his arm, hard. “Don’t you wanna do this for your fans?” He shook Fizzarolli and turned him around.

“Listen to them! They’re dying to meet you!”

Hordes of imps, succubi, and demons raced toward the gate, wearing green Mammon shirts. A giant dog demon with hearts over its breasts roared in excitement behind the cheering eager fans.

Mammon lowered Fizzarolli. “Dying to see your little Fizzie face!” He jabbed him in the chest and pulled him close. “You gotta make a good impression, mate. The better the impression, the more they’ll want a piece of you they can take home and fuck!” He gripped Fizzarolli’s head, leaning in uncomfortably close. “Don’t you want that, Fizzie? To be fucked?!”

Fizzarolli stammered. “Uh, I mean…no, not really, actually.”

Mammon posed with his head up and did a dramatic frown. “Fizzie, I-I’m not gonna lie…”

He then gripped Fizzarolli’s face, sharp yellow teeth bared, “I want that! So come on, just do this one thing for me.”

“Okay, sir,” came Fizzarolli’s muffled voice after Mammon squeezed his face against his own.

Mammon let go and did rocker signs with his hands. “Aw, you’re a bloody legend, Fizzie!” He pulled hard on Fizzarolli’s arms and swung him around. “They’re gonna wanna fuck you, like you’re fucking my heart with joooy right now!” Fizzarolli could barely breathe, he was being crushed by Mammon’s chest and arms. Mammon turned Fizzarolli’s face again and stretched his lips. “Now get out there and make me proud, you stupid little (HONK).”

Mammon vanished in green smoke, causing Fizzarolli to cough.

“Wow, Fizz, you let him talk to you like that?”

A stunned Fizzarolli turned around to see Blitzo behind him. Blitzo was upside down attached to a wire, wearing sunglasses, and holding a rifle. “You got some secret kink I should know about of something?” He spun around in a slow circle with a tattered red cape.

Fizzarolli folded his arms and looked away. “It’s just how he is.”

“I mean shit, if he talked to me that way,” Blitzo began.

“Ugh, it’s fine,” Fizzarolli sighed in annoyance and stomped away.

Fizzarolli spread out his arms and smiled nervously at the large fan group.

“Heya folks, where ya from?”

Fizzarolli flinched as a pink muscular succubus flashed her breasts at him. “Oh, Lust, love it there, obviously.” An orange goat demon with bat wings and an orange candle on his head, smiled at Fizzarolli. Fizzarolli signed a card from a dark orange goat. “Wet-Dreamsville! Hah! Best pharmacies in Hell!” Fizzarolli signed a toy Fizzarolli from a brown dog boy with black and white striped floppy ears and red and white eyes.

A tan muscular dragon-demon wearing a yellow and black jester cap, grinned as Fizzarolli signed his chest. “Ragesburg, Wrath, well.”

Fizzarolli went up to a fat, white-bearded cowboy imp. He spoke in a Southern accent, briefly putting a piece of straw in his mouth. “Nice to meet cha, partner.” The cowboy spit. Fizzarolli said, “Ha, ha, I don’t do accents! Fun!” He nervously ran off. More fans lined up, a gray goat with a candle on his head, a succubus with a purple bra, and a tan goat wearing a Mammon hoodie. He hugged the goat and the succubus. “Ah, nice to meet you, too!”

Fizzarolli went up to the front and spread out his arms with a bow. “Thank you so much for coming to the show!” Mammon’s green sigil glowed behind him.

“Fizz! Fizz! Fizz! Fizz!” chanted the crowd. “We love you, Fizz!”

Fizzarolli then gasped softly as he spotted a cute little imp boy in line. He had white hair, a pointed tail and wore a green Mammon shirt. He carried a pen and paper with him. His horns were broken, reminding Fizzarolli of his own broken horns and limbs. The boy did a small wave, then spoke with his hands in sign language.

“FIZZAROLLI! I’M A BIG FAN!”

No longer nervous and stressed, Fizzarolli felt his heart warm up.

“COME ON OVER HERE,” he replied in sign.

The boy smiled with excitement and raced over to Fizzarolli. With the pen, Fizzarolli signed the boy’s paper and handed it to him.

“I WANT TO BE A CLOWN JUST LIKE YOU,” signed the boy.

“YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO DO,” Fizzarolli smiled and signed back. He tenderly placed a hand on the boy’s back and called to the crowd, “I hope you’re excited for the biiiig finale!” The crowd applauded in response.

“Boo! Boo! Sellout piece of shit!” yelled a voice.

Fizzarolli glanced around nervously, before gently sending the boy on his way.

“Uh, wh-c-come again?” he stuttered in confusion.

“Ugh, your act is such fucking trash, always has been!”

To Fizzarolli’s horror, the narcissistic Creepzo was crawling up to seethe at Fizzarolli from the back of the crowd. He had his square glasses and wore a stained green shirt and black pants.

“Except now,” he pointed an accusing finger at Fizzarolli, “I have to see your smug face plastered on everything, everywhere! And you can all read all about it on my review blog: “fuck-Fizz-but-not-in-a-sexy-way.complainer.com.org.gov!”

He stumbled and fell forward.

Fizzarolli stepped back and chuckled nervously. “Heh, well anyway folks, heh.”

Creepzo clawed toward Fizzarolli on the ground, bent red fingers like sharp claws. “You’re not even a clown, anymore.” He stood up. “All you do is work at that overpriced, sleaze joint, and then every year, you come back here to put us though the same old tired routine.”

Blitzo seethed as he looked through his gun’s telescope piece…he spotted Fizzarolli fearfully stepping back from Creepzo, who inched toward Fizzarolli, fists clenched. “Is there a single original idea in that head?” Creepzo asked.

Fizzarolli laughed shakily as he backed up against the curtain. “I-uh-uh-uh…” Creepzo’s demonic shadow towered over Fizzarolli, with glowing red eyes. “You fucking suck, and so do your products. Your sex-bots can’t even get me off right, you know…”

Blitzo jumped in between the imps, aiming his rifle at Creepzo’s chin in warning.

“What? Still think you’re too good to even talk to me?” Creepzo spat. “Still gotta get this chump to stand in for you? You’re fucking pathetic.”

“To think what we could’ve been together if you hadn’t been too up your own ass to listen! Ugh!”

In Creepzo’s imagination, he and Fizzarolli jumped for joy on a grassy hill with purple flowers. The clouds were shaped like purple hearts. They held hands and gazed at each other romantically. In another fantasy, Fizzarolli was dressed in a dark purple slave suit, wearing a dog collar connected to a chain leash attached to Creepzo’s waists. He smiled with his tongue out and held a golden trophy with #1 on it to Creepzo, who was dressed like a king.

Blitzo aimed the barrel in Creepzo’s mouth. “Yeah, one more word out of you, twat stan, imma blow your head clean open in front of all these fucking kids.”

Fizzarolli hyperventilated, clearly sacred of Creepzo and his insults. He gripped the curtain and his fluffy white clown collar.

Creepzo laughed evilly in response to Fizzarolli’s fear. Blitzo jabbed his face with his rifle, sending him backwards and stumbling.

“You’re not done with me, Fizzarolli,” swore the envious, vengeful Creepzo, rubbing his swollen cheek and running off.

Fizzarolli collapsed to the side and Blitzo caught him.

“Hey, hey, woah, woah, you good?”

Fizzarolli let out a startled scream as Mammon appeared from smoke again behind them. He swatted Blitzo aside. “Yeah, mate? You alright, Fizz?”

Fizzarolli looked fearfully into Mammon’s glowing eyes. His eyes narrowed and his mouth sneered. As if to say, “You better not mess things up.”

Fizzarolli smiled forcefully. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I’m-I’m fine, yeah, heh.”

Mammon’s eyes narrowed before he declared, “Tell you what, I’ll let the hotties go on before ya, give ya some time to get your shit together.” In a frightening moment, Mammon gripped Fizzarolli’s face and spoke in a low voice. “Get your shit together, Fizzie. You’re a bloody legend.” He grinned evilly, his sharp teeth giant as six small glowing yellow eyes appeared on his forehead.

He then stood up and spoke in his regular voice. “You’re a bloody legend, ya bitch!” He spun Fizzarolli around and he twirled toward the stage side entrance. Four green round lights decorated the open curtains.

“Oh shit, that guy got to you, didn’t he?” Blitzo asked. “You know you don’t have to…”

Fizzarolli was too stressed and scared to deal with Blitzo’s annoying attempts to stop him.

“I do, Blitz, I do.”

“Fucking, Hell, Fizz, this is stupid. That clown shit is not this important.”

“This job is!” Fizzarolli yelled in his face. “Without it, I’ll lose…”

“Everything!” the twin sisters mocked from atop the stairs. They laughed evilly and backed away toward the stage, glowing eyes flashing before vanishing.

“Seriously, that guy is a fucking dick,” said Blitzo bluntly, as Fizzarolli somberly climbed the stairs. “And he’s using you for everything cause you’re likeable, and he’s a fucking trash fire.”

“No, he’s not!” Fizzarolli yelled, not fully convinced. “He’s just trying to make me good enough.”

“Good enough for what?!” Blitzo deadpanned, holding his rifle, growing more concerned about his friend’s wellbeing.

0 0 0

The audience waited eagerly for the next performance. A white-faced woman demon with horns and blue hair that looked like octopus tentacles, smiled next to a green and white dragon-like demon wearing a yellow shirt with a bone on it. Two little dog-Hellhound demons ate popcorn together. A blue fish demon male held a camera. A large brown dog wearing a baseball cap held a toy Fizzarolli in his mouth, sitting next to a pink dragon lady wearing a black bra. A smug male imp with a broken horn sat as his imp girlfriend kissed him on the cheek. Another imp held a green sign with a dollar symbol, a large white muscular demon with heart tattoos held a hamburger and a Mammon flag and an imp wearing a tank top sat next to him. A yellow goat demon talked with a pink succubus wearing a green dress with dollar signs on it. Next to an incubus with white braided hair was a gray-skinned demon with thick hair, gold earrings, and an orange bandana. She wore an upside-down cross necklace and was looking at her cell phone with a green seashell on it.

The lights dimmed and the audience grew excited.

Ta, ta-da-da, da, ta-da-da, ta-da. Electronic pop music played as the stage was bathed in teal, blue, and green light. Water fell in a column to the center of the stage were a figure of a woman posed. She swayed her hips in a dance and waved her long hair around. With her hair and her arms, the woman parted the water, making it spill onto the stage floor. Two spotlights shone on Glam. In the lights, her hair glowed black on top, dark blue in the middle and sea green on the end of her ponytail. Her leggings with diamonds on them looked black on one side and dark blue on the other. Her jester skirt was indigo, and her upside-down heart crop top was black. Her gloves appeared indigo, and the top bang of her hair had glowing dots and stripes of black and blue.

She walked through the puddles of water, swaying her hips and swatting back her hair. She sang with the alluring voice of a siren popstar, her eyes glowing.

“Get ready for the new look.

New rhythm and a new hook”

In a puddle reflection, she swayed seductively, moving her butt, and putting a finger to her lip.

“Not here to cuddle.

More like leave you in a puddle.

Little double trouble got ya boy shook.”

Glam splashed the water and moved her arms in sync with Glitz, who revealed herself beside Glam in their synchronized dance. They held hands up in the air and posed together. Glitz also appeared green, blue, indigo, and black in the light, her bangs glowing with black and teal stripes, glowing teal fin eyelashes, glowing dots on her long indigo hair and flowing diamonds on her outfit.

Glitz leaped into the air and called, “Ha ha! Here’s the stitch!”

The lighting changed to a bold orange, purple, magenta and pink as the song shifted to a faster pace. Glitz’s hair and outfit tuned red, pink, orange, and yellow. Lines of light spread out as Glitz grinned, beginning her rap.

“Feed sin with ya taxes

Greedy greed wins where the cash is.”

She made money gestures with her fingers.

“Wanna sell my funny, slutty body to the masses!”

The sisters moved their butts against each other and Glam leaned down in a seductive pose, her long tongue out and finger to her mouth. They swayed around each other in a circle and posed as the crowd cheered. Water ejected out from the stage, shooting toward the sky.

Glitz and Glam then sang together, synchronizing their dances and twirling their hair.

“Feelin’ lonely on a Saturday night

Well money can’t buy happiness

But it can rent you paradise.”

The lighting changed again, this time to a deep purple. Glitz and Glam turned neon teal, deep blue and purple, slowly lifting into the air, trailing water from their feet. They slowly twirled around each other gracefully as they sang.

“Give in to temptation.

Take your time, I’ll be patient.

Be my little piggy let me

Scratch your dirty itch.”

“I’m a klown, bitch!” They both sprouted large succubus-like bat wings that glowed teal and white. They flew over the adoring crowd who were transfixed by their alluring song and beauty.

“Fix up your frown, bitch!” They flew and put their fingers to their mouths, purple spider webs glowing in the background. Glitz and Glam then spun around in circles Yin-Yang style at the center of the purple glowing spider web. “Gimmie the crown, bitch!” They posed with their wings out again as the crowd danced and swayed to the pink moving lights and the gushing water. They sneered at Fizzarolli.

“You hear that sound?

You’re goin’ down!”

Fizzarolli ran away in tears from his mocking competitors, Blitzo glancing back at his friend in concern.

“Cause I’m a klown, bitch!”

Glam added: “Special occasions, splurge on the urge to go make a mistake.”

Glitz added: “Give you a birthday reward if you can afford all this cake.”

Glam added: “Dollar by dollar you got me romance and lovin’ is fake.”

Glitz added: “Max out your expense account, you’re paying for a…”

They both sang: “…klown, bitch!”

Glitz harmonized (“I’m a klown, bitch, imma klown bitch, yeah!)

“Fix up your frown, bitch!”

Glitz: (“Fix up your frown, bitch! Fix ya frown, bitch!”)

“Gimmie the crown, bitch!”

(“Gimmie the crown, bitch! Gimmie that!”)

“You hear that sound

You’re goin’ down

(Yeah)

‘Cause I’m a klown, bitch!”

Glitz laughed manically. (“Oh”)

“Gimmie the crown, bitch!”

Glitz added an (“Ooh”) and laughed again.

“‘Cause I’m a klown, bitch!”

The sisters sat on each other’s laps as water gushed down on them. They flipped back their wet hair, letting their hair fall naturally in an alluring style. They grinned evilly, their sharp teeth glowing teal in the darkness.

0 0 0

Part Three: The Revolution

Fizzarolli breathed heavily and slammed the door to his darkened dressing room. He leaned back against the door, staring at his frightened face in the mirror. His mirror had the design of Mammon’s giant green jester face with a dozen sharp teeth surrounding the borders. A picture of Mammon’s grinning face with “<3 you cunt!” was taped to the mirror. The lights on the sharp teeth blinked on. On the vanity desk stood bottles and makeup products. A Mammon poster hung on the wall of Mammon posing in the air with his guitar and a microphone. Fizzarolli was holding Mammon’s feet in his hands, blue-teal flames shooting off the stage.

Fizzarolli ran up to the mirror.

“O-kay, Fizz, you can do this.” He placed a hand over his heart. “You can do this. You can do this.”

He wiped his forehead. “It’s okay, it’s fine. You gave a show to do soon, it’s fine.”

Fizzarolli then gasped. “Oh-oh no, oh no, no, no, no.”

He frantically swirled a brush into some cream and dabbed at his face to cover up the dark spots on his forehead. “No, no…” Piles of Fizzarolli merchandise, including a body pillow, the Fizzarolli Monopoly game and hot sauce littered the room. The merchandise covered a small couch and a fun-house mirror stood off to the side. Circus flags and lights decorated the ceiling. There was a fluffy fashion scarf on a stand and a three-headed Venus fly trap plant in the corner. The wallpaper was green with figures of Mammon on it.

His hands shook and he breathed rapidly. He then slowed down a bot as he glanced at a purple and lavender heart in his hands with “OZ” written on it in teal letters. He opened it up, revealing a small heart mirror.

“It’s okay, you’re fine, you need to be fine.”

“Fizz! Are you okay?” called a familiar voice from behind him.

Fizzarolli turned around in shock to see Asmodeus peering inside. Fizzarolli turned around. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?!” He sat down, dabbing his face. “You shouldn’t be here, Asmodeus! I’m fine, please!”

Asmodeus struggled to fit his large body through the door. Annoyed, he snapped his fingers and teleported behind his lover.

“Froggie,” Asmodeus breathed, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Fizzarolli held up his hands and moved out of his grip. “I’m fine! I’m fine! Just needed a minute!”

Asmodeus tried to steady Fizzarolli. “You aren’t okay, you’re shaking.” He pulled down his arm.

“Ozz, I’m about to go on for the finale, I need some time to mentally prepare.” He stood up and walked around his room. A poster on the wall advertised a “never stain Fizzy Scarf, it’s so washable, cum will never stick to it.” Fizzarolli juggled dildos in a “New dildo juggling update” on another poster. Another poster advertised “Fizzarolli clown juice.” A large Fizzarolli doll sat off to the side.

Asmodeus sighed and put a hand to his forehead. “Fizz, come on! I’m trying to talk to you, you can’t force yourself to…”

“Ozz,” Fizzarolli interrupted, “I have to do this. This could be my last chance to prove that I’m still good at this. That it’s not over! That I’m still good enough!”

He stared at the Mammon concert poster. “It’s not just Mammon. I’m fine. I just…need to be better.”

“You think you need to be this perfect, model performer…” Asmodeus began as Fizzarolli stomped to the vanity mirror, “…but that’s because Mammon is always forcing that image onto you!”

Fizzarolli stared at himself sadly. “But everything I have is because of Mammon. I have this life. I have security. I have you.”

Asmodeus looked at Fizzarolli sadly.

Fizzarolli said, “Without Mammon, I wouldn’t be…I wouldn’t have…I just…I have to win this…”

“Fizzie,” said Asmodeus, cupping his chin. He hated to see his cherished partner feel so broken and stressed. He wanted Fizzarolli to know how precious their relationship was, how it went beyond Mammon’s influence. Asmodeus knew that Fizzarolli wouldn’t live forever, nor would he be his last lover. But he knew that in his immortal life, Fizzarolli was one individual who brought such a unique passionate joy to it.

He wasn’t about to let another ruler of Hell take that away from him.

Fizzarolli pulled away. “I don’t want to lose. Because I feel like if I lose this...” his voice choked. “…I lose you.”

Asmodeus scoffed. “How would you lose me?” He placed two hands on Fizzarolli’s shoulders and gave him a gentle shake. “Come on, Froggie.”

Fizzarolli stepped away. “You’re with me because of who I am at my best! I’m barely worthy of working with a King of Sin…”

Fizzarolli cried out as he removed his jester cap… “cause THIS is who I am!” He revealed the broken stubs of what was left of his imp horns. Tears welled in his eyes as he held his cap. “Without all this, I’m just nothing, and Mammon made me this. I owe it all to him.”

“Fizz, Mammon didn’t do shit,” Asmodeus deadpanned. “You already were this.”

Fizzarolli slowly turned to look at his partner.

“You’d be this no matter what! You are the most inspiring demon I have ever known, and meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I adore your inventiveness, your attitude, your resilience.”

“And…” Asmodeus added, “You’re just the cutest little thing alive.” Asmodeus nuzzled Fizzarolli’s face with his furry head and he laughed. They held hands and stared into each other’s eyes.

“Also, you are a waaay better performer than Mammon ever was, and thaaat’s just facts.” Fizzarolli teared up and blushed at Asmodeus’ genuine compliments.

Fizzarolli had almost forgotten how great he was at performing, with his mind locked on pleasing Mammon, who always seemed so perfect and dominant.

Fizzarolli sighed and closed his eyes with a somber expression, more tears falling. “It’s-it’s hard, you know? T-to trust that. I-I just…”

Asmodeus wiped away Fizzarolli’s tear with his finger.

“I love you so much, Ozzie!” He smiled as he embraced Asmodeus in a hug.

“And I love you too, Fizzarolli. And I would whether you win this bullshit or not.”

“Well, I kinda spent my whole warmup having a panic attack, haha.”

Asmodeus smiled down at Fizzarolli and began to sing.

“Crooked horn, crooked grin

You’re a crooked horny, freaky little joker.”

Asmodeus playfully snuck up behind him before Fizzarolli answered in song,

“You’re a deadly Sin.”

He sadly walked away.

Asmodeus continued.

“And I don’t wanna hear another goddamn word about

Win, win, win.”

Fizzarolli put his jester cap back on over his horns as Asmodeus continued, walking toward Fizzarolli.

“Oh, oh, oh, I think you’re messy, but I’m messy, too,” Asmodeus sang as he pulled Fizzarolli into a dance. Sunlight shone on a round pink rug with a yellow heart in the center. The room appeared brighter as Fizzarolli and Asmodeus danced to the music.

“No, no, no, I wouldn’t clean a thing, when I ended up with you” Asmodeus sang as he spun Fizzarolli around. Fizzarolli smiled as he danced and leaned close to Asmodeus’ chest.

“I don’t know, you waste your time on me,” Fizzarolli sang.

“Baby, all I got is time,” Asmodeus mentioned.

“When there is so much I’ll never be,” Fizzarolli sadly reached up in the air, trying to grasp at his dreams. Asmodeus laughed.

“Holy shit, babe,” Asmodeus sang as he and Fizzarolli held hands, fingers intertwining. “There’s so much you can’t see.”

“What can’t I see?”

They sang together as Asmodeus lifted Fizzarolli into the air.

“Oh, oh!”

“You’re a broken record,” Asmodeus began. Fizzarolli did a cartwheel down to the floor.

“Don’t ever shut your crooked little lips,” sang Asmodeus as he carried Fizzarolli before lowering him almost to the floor. Fizzarolli smirked and said, “What do you want me to do with my lips? Heh-heh.”

They spun around together and sang some more.

“Oh, oh, oh, you sure are lucky.

You make my crooked heart do

Freaky little flips.”

They touched each other’s faces and leaned close. They stood still, staring deep into each other’s eyes.

“You make my crooked heart do…” Asmodeus sang softly before finishing with “’Froggie’ little flips.” He nuzzled Fizzarolli’s head.

“Ribbit,” Fizzarolli playfully responded. They both laughed and embraced. Fizzarolli was thankful to have Asmodeus support him. Fizzarolli sighed happily, his eyes wide. They did passionate French-kissing…everything was finally perfect.

“You’re gonna listen to me now, BITCH!” roared Creepzo, who burst into the room, waving a dagger, and rushing forward.

BANG!

One shot from a gun and Creepzo’s head exploded off his body in black blood. The mirror cracked in two and a bullet hole was in the wall. A stunned Fizzarolli and Asmodeus turned to look at Blitzo who was standing in the doorway with his sniper rifle.

Blitzo removed his sunglasses. “Oh, so you two are an item? Well congratulations you fucking hypocrites.” He put them on again.

Just then, Fizzarolli suddenly realized how he was going to do his big finale. Being with Asmodeus had given him the courage to finally be himself…fully himself. Racing past his friends, he went behind the curtains and got to work.

0 0 0

Meanwhile outside, the audience was getting impatient, sad, and confused. On imp wearing a green jester cap gasped with his arms out, next to a succubus holding a Fizzarolli action figure. A green demon stood next to her. An imp with clown makeup on her face sadly clenched a clown horn, making it toot.

“Uuh, d-don’t worry, folks,” Mammon announced nervously, peering from behind the curtain. “I-I’m sure Fizzarolli will be out soon with a grand fucking performance.”

Mammon did rocker signs with his four hands before blue smoke emerged from an explosion from behind him. The crowd roared, clapped, and cheered as Fizzarolli’s performance began. A puzzled Mammon soon grinned before teleporting back onto his green glowing spider web between the jester female bots.

On the set was what appeared to be an old dimly lit office, lit only by a round teal light. A figure sat with boots propped up on the desk. The teal glow of a cigarette end lit up…Fizzarolli took a slow drag and smoke floated away. Fizzarolli lounged in an office chair as a ceiling fan slowly spun overhead. A mug and papers were on his desk. Dramatic French-style music started as Fizzarolli somberly sang.

“I have wasted time.

I have seen my use.”

He put out his cigarette on his desk.

“I have packaged and sold every part of me!

Suffered a lifetime of abuse.”

Four pictures showed Fizzarolli’s brutal history with Mammon. The first one showed Fizzarolli riding on a unicycle, smiling nervously, and juggling a torch with green flames, chainsaws, sharp throwing stars and lit bombs. A smiling Mammon was tossing up the dangerous items to Fizzarolli.

The second one showed Fizzarolli tied to a scale with Mammon measuring him. “Heavy!” was typed in red on a screen and a red light glowed on top of the scale. Mammon was scrutinizing his already tiny waist.

The third picture showed A frightened Fizzarolli dancing on stage, holding a cane in his hands. Mammon was yelling into a megaphone with a dollar sign on it and holding a red sign that read in yellow, “DANCE CLOWN BOY!!”

The fourth picture showed a grinning blindfolded Mammon blindly throwing knives at Fizzarolli. He leaned against a spinning wheel frozen in fear as several knives were stuck in the wheel around him.

“I have lost myself.”

Fizzarolli made a show of chugging down a bottle of beer in the dark and emptying it.

“I have worshipped at your feet.”

Fizzarolli prostrated on his knees at the dark figure of Mammon against the glowing green web. He then stood up with a determined look on his face. A teal spotlight shown on Fizzarolli.

“And here I am standing on top of the world

With some bitches to defeat!”

Fizzarolli grinned and looked to the right as a spotlight blinded Glitz and Glam who flinched behind the curtain. The sisters flipped him off before pulling the curtains closed. The office set was wheeled off the stage.

“I’ve played the game, I’ve won it all.

They’ve screamed my name…”

Fizzarolli mentioned to the adoring crowd…an imp with square glasses, an imp couple, a hellhound woman doing rocker signs…

“They bought the doll…”

Fizzarolli flinched as a large grey canine demon pulled a Fizzarolli robot toy down to his crotch.

“I’ve seized the day.

Now I’ve got one thing left to say-ay-ay…”

Fizzarolli grinned and happily tore off his sleeves, revealing both his robotic arms. He no longer hid his so-called disability.

“Fuck you!” Fizzarolli lifted up both middle fingers as fireworks boomed over the stage. In an orange explosion, “FUCK YOU” appeared in white letters. The whole area was now brightened.

“Here’s my two minutes notice, fuck you!”

Fizzarolli rolled, twirled, and spun on a large teal ball with pink hearts on it. He flipped into the air and revealed both middle fingers again as he fell back down. Pink spider webs pulsed behind him.

He gracefully landed back on the ball, doing acrobatic flips, and then balancing himself on a second ball underneath the first, a pink one with teal stars on it.

“Time to quit and smell the roses…”

He conjured a large bouquet of pink roses and flowers in his hand.

“Say goodbye…”

He tossed the giant bouquet into the crowd, several imps screaming and running as it fell on them. He rolled on the balls some more.

“…While I look you in the eye and say ‘fuck you!’”

He leaped off the ball, spreading out his legs in midair before gracefully landing back down. He raised his middle finger again as four jets of green fire ejected from the stage. The crowd was delighted!

“Interesting song,” Mammon muttered. “I wonder what fuckin’ this is about.”

“Fuckity, fuckity, fuckity you!” Fizzarolli chanted.

Mammon held popcorn in one of his hands. Three pink hearts swirled above his head, creating a flaming portal. Asmodeus poked his head through and smirked at Mammon who was eating, “It’s about you.”

“Wait, what?” Mammon asked with his mouth full as Asmodeus disappeared.

“Fuck you!” Fizzarolli continued.

“I have taken shit.”

Fizzarolli’s arms were pulled by a glowing pink chain. A pink figure of Mammon yelled at Fizzarolli and pointed off to the left. Pink mammon slapped Fizzarolli hard, and he tumbled to the floor. Four teal horned demons held their heads back in a choir around Fizzarolli.

“Been crushed under your heel…”

A yellow and green Mammon apparition grinned as he stomped on Fizzarolli. The real Mammon spat and laughed out loud, pointing at Fizzarolli.

“I have suffered for profit…”

The four teal demon figures “ooohed” again in song before Fizzarolli’s limbs were tangled in glowing green string like puppet strings. He was twirled around erratically in the air under a yellow spotlight as figures of demons laughed.

“…And suckered for fame…”

“Made a fortune you could steal…”

A Mammon shadow grinned and spiraled to consume a green light.

“I’ve had enough!”

Fizzarolli broke free from the shackles binding his hands and feet. He landed back down on stage. A green spotlight was above Fizzarolli.

“I’ve hit the wall,

I’m tired of taking your calls…”

He pulled out his ringing cellphone with a “Queen Clussy” (clown and pussy) cover on it and a yellow fluffy keychain. The screen read “Incumming call: Master. (A picture of Mammon holding his long striped tongue with two fingers.) Under two upside-down pentagrams it read “PICK UP” and “PICK UP, YA CUNT.”

He tossed the phone aside to the floor.

“It ends today.

Now there’s just one last thing to say-ay-ay…”

Fizzarolli grinned as he lit a match by striking it against his robotic arms.

“Fuck you!”

Fizzarolli drew in the air and posed with outstretched arms as “Fuck You!” appeared in fiery cursive above him.

“I wish I had said it sooner, fuck you!”

Off to the side, Asmodeus breathed teal fire onto a stick and tossed it to Fizzarolli. Fizzarolli grinned as he tossed the baton through the air, both ends on fire. He already felt love and confidence surging through him as Asmodeus’ sigil glowed golden behind him on the curtains. He raised his middle finger again and tossed the baton in the air.

“Cut you off, just like a tumor!”

He spun around and posed on his back; his shirt purposefully ripped. He stroked a finger up his stomach and chest, making a seductive smirk. Asmodeus smiled as Fizzarolli skillfully caught the flaming baton in his mouth.

“Hope you die!”

Fizzarolli made a slicing motion with his finger over his throat, leaning his head back to mimic his head being cut off. He twirled the baton in his other hand.

Then on the screen, he playfully slapped his own ass.

“Kiss my ass goodbye, you cuck, fuck you!”

Fizzarolli blew the teal Lust Ring flames into the crowd. Asmodeus smiled from behind the curtains.

Fizzarolli jumped down into the crowd and began a rap as circus music blared.

“Have you ever felt sick and tired

Of doing the same shit everyday with your anger brewin’

Eatin’ shit for a boss that you’re sick of obeyin’

If you ever felt the same, let me hear ya say it!”

He placed his arms around an imp and a gray demon lady with a sharp tail. He poked a pink demon lady on the nose. He smiled at an imp girl, then leaped over a giant dog. An imp with male horns wearing a black mammon dress grinned at Fizzarolli. Imp kids and teens admired him as he sang. He cupped his hands around a demon with a fishhook in his nose and they smiled. Fizzarolli’s charisma was helping to being demons from many Rings and cultures together. Fizzarolli flipped back onto the stage as an ensemble supported him with the next lyrics.

“Did you really think I was gonna stay?”

Fizzarolli swayed up a flight of green stairs coming from the stage floor.

“Spending my life bent over with your fist in my “a.”

Fizzarolli wiggled his butt out and then raised a fist. The crowd clapped before briefly becoming puzzled/disgusted.

“Slander me, say I’ll never work in this town,” he sang as he raced to the top of the green stairs. Two tall candles with green flames appeared and a purple striped coffin rose from the ground. Green light shone from the coffin as Fizzarolli jumped and posed on top.

“If I stick around, I’ll be six more feet under the ground!”

He made a show of placing his hands over his chest and falling dead into the coffin.

“FUCK YOU!” the ensemble cried as Fizzarolli leaped out of the coffin and harmonized, “Wo-oh-oh!” He tore off his puffy white collar in midair as green spotlights crisscrossed over Fizzarolli.

(“Here’s my two minutes notice, fuck you!”) The ensemble sang as Fizzarolli swung across the arena on a trapeze bar, finally feeling free. He let go and spun in the air near the glowing green Mammon coin/moon in the sky.

“Suck it, greedy bastard!

You’re a fucking ass clown!”

(Time to quit and smell the roses!)”

An oblivious Mammon happily clapped along with his jester bots.

(“Say goodbye!”) Fizzarolli and the ensemble sang, “too late to apologize!” The crowd cheered as Fizzarolli leaned down his arm to give them high-fives. Fizzarolli gasped as a dog demon happily grabbed onto his legs as he swung. The dog fell off Fizzarolli dead in a gory mess thanks to a blast from Blitzo’s rifle. Smiling, Fizzarolli looked up at Blitzo, who grinned with a thumbs up.

“So this is it…”

Fizzarolli flipped several times in midair and landed on top of the stairs. He knocked down the coffin as the spotlight on him turned pink. He clenched his fists and took a deep breath at his ultimate act of courage. He pointed at Mammon and yelled,

“MAMMON, YOU SAD SACK OF SHIT!”

The crowd stopped clapping and looked up at Mammon with worried looks.

Mammon froze, then growled loudly after realizing that his star performer was now mocking him. Briefly looking around puzzled, he then bared his teeth and yellow electricity sizzled around him.

“FUCK YOOOOOU….” Fizzarolli sang.

The lighting turned a heroic golden and violet as Fizzarolli triumphantly held up his middle finger again. In a dazzling display, blue fireworks boomed out in both directions and green smoke and confetti exploded from nearby cannons. “FUCK YOU” appeared in blue bold letters with gold trim as more sparks sprayed out from the sides of the structure. A pink F and a U appeared over the words and neon green middle fingers lit up and moved. “Fuck you” was also written in teal cursive on a magenta sign with a teal heart on top. To top it off, neon teal lights at the very top showed two hands mimicking a penis going into a vagina.

“…YOU BITCH! YEAH!”

Fizzarolli posed under a teal spotlight and caught the microphone as all the signs lowered into the floor.

Fizzarolli bowed as the crowd stood up and gave him a roaring demonic encore! One of the jester bots clapped and an angry Mammon slapped it off his web. He took a bag of popcorn from the other fanning bot and angrily chewed. Fizzarolli stood up and blushed at Asmodeus, who gave him a thumbs up behind the curtain. Fizzarolli had never felt so jubilant in his life.

“Thank you all so much. You know, it’s always been one of the greatest thrills of my life performing. And I’m so glad to bring you all one, last show.”

Fizzarolli smiled down at the waving imp boy he had met earlier and signed “THANK YOU.” The boy gasped and grinned, amazed to be recognized by his role model.

“Cause now…” Fizzarolli closed his eyes…and then grinned hugely with a shrug, “I quit!” He dropped the microphone and the crowd gasped.

Mammon vomited on the other fanning bot. “WHAT?!” he bellowed in rage.

In a flash, the king of Greed teleported in front of Fizzarolli. Fizzarolli flinched as Mammon pointed his dollar sign staff under his chin.

“QUIT?! You miserable piece of shit! What do you mean quit?!”

Fizzarolli smirked and moved the staff away with a finger. He waved his hand.

“I meaaaan, I quit. I’m done.” In an Australian accent, he mocked, “G’day, mate!” while flipping him off with two middle fingers.

Mammon’s eye twitched before he seethed, his face darkening. Smoke bellowed from his mouth and six smaller glowing yellow eyes appeared on his forehead. He vanished in smoke and rushed toward the flinching Fizzarolli. With low growls from inside enormous clouds of smoke, Mammon lifted up a giant sharp yellow bug leg that almost stabbed Fizzarolli who backed away. Asmodeus peered from behind the curtain, grabbing it in his fist.

“Oh that motherfucker…”

Mammon pulled back his sharp leg. He wiggled out of a slime-covered larva sack that resembled the design of his jester outfit.

He let out a low demonic growl. “YOU FUCKING UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SHIT!”

He rose from his sack, growling until the growls intensified into screams. Mammon was in his true demonic form, slamming down his eight bug legs on the ground. He had the appearance and traits of a spider and a parasite, thinking of nothing but consumption. He even had a striped bee-like bug bottom with stingers and spikes.

“I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING!” he screamed at Fizzarolli in a distorted demonic voice. “YOU ARE PRACTICALLY IN MY IMAGE!”

Fizzarolli just crossed his arms and glared unintimidated by his former master. Mammon jabbed a giant finger at him.

“I RAISED YOU LIKE THE SON I DIDN’T WANT!”

Fizzarolli slapped his giant finger away and narrowed his eyes, causing Mammon to narrow his eyes in return.

Asmodeus appeared protectively behind Fizzarolli in a roar of teal and red flames. He towered high and his three heads roared and turned red, speaking in a demonic voice.

“YOU’D BETTER BACK THE FUCK UP, MAM!”

In the stands, Wally Wackford laughed out loud and pointed with his cane. “Holy shit! I say, I say!” He was dressed in a green, black, and gold suit and his green top hat had yellow teeth as the rim. Next to him was a hellhound with a small imp appearing out of a bowl of popcorn.

Mammon chuckled darkly before turning to Asmodeus.

“Look who’s acting like a big fuckin’ hero.” He crawled over to Asmodeus, placing a finger under his chin. “Careful what you say, Ozzie. Wouldn’t want your little secret getting out, would we?” He smirked while pointing down at Fizzarolli.

Asmodeus yelled into his face, flames turning red. “I don’t care anymore!” The two Sins butted heads.

“Ozz?” Fizzarolli asked in concern.

Mammon smirked and backed up. “Because if you let him quit, I could tell everyone hereee that you…”

“What?” asked Asmodeus. “That I love him? Well I do!”

To Mammon’s surprise, the crowd erupted into fangirl screams and yelled “I knew it, I knew it!” They all excitedly typed on their cell phones. One male imp wearing a green striped jester hat and a white goatee had three cell phones attached to his arm.

The first phone was “Louie” texting a partner who soon broke up with him.

“Babe I can change. PLEASE!”

“You don’t get it. Don’t talk to me, don’t message me, don’t call me ever again. We’re done, asshole. Have a shitty day.”

“I AM THE ONE TRUE SHIPPER AND I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!”

“YOU CALLED ME A FOOL? WELL LOOK WHO’S LAUGHING NOW! EXPECT FAN ART SOON!”

The second cellphone showed Twitter texts.

“Clarisse @ simparolli: Ozzarolli confirmed guys! It’s fucking REAL! #ozzarolli #fizzaozzie”

“Yannah @mamdonaldsaddict: OZZIE FUX FIZZ? LOVINGLY???”

“LooLooBro @looloolooland: I CALLED IT! I TOLD YOU ALL! (Gif of Fizzarolli yelling and saying “YEEESS!”

“Minnie @downiecookie: I honk but no one listens. (Clown emojis).”

The third cellphone showed profiles on a “ClownEmporium” website, “Greed’s #1 forum for clowns and clown adjacent Hellborns!”

“HAWT NEWS!! OZZIE AND FIZZIE IN LOVE? EW!”

xxHonkiexx: “I am pleased to announce that my collection of multicolored combs continues to grow! I am forever grateful to all my followers who helps me make this possible. And to the haters who like to shit on my collection, you’re just ugly and jealous, touch some grass.”

Doug…Dugs: “Anyone have a good website where one could find quality high res vids of clown feet for research purposes? The only ones I can find are in 480p, I can’t even see the wrinkles. 4k or higher, otherwise, don’t waste my time.”

Mammon looked stunned and scratched his head. “Oh-uh. Shit.” Then he put his hands on his hips, coming up with an insult. “Ah-you dirty bitch!”

He crawled on all his legs and smirked near Asmodeus’ face. He spoke in a demonic voice, whispering ominously into Asmodeus’ ears.

“You are gonna regret revealing that, Ozz!” He chuckled darkly and snorted green smoke into Fizzarolli’s face. He then broke out into loud sinister laughter, revenge brewing in his eyes. He disappeared in smoke and dollar bill signs one last time. The crowd screamed and flinched as the arena, stage, and circus tents came crashing down in explosions.

Asmodeus held Fizzarolli protectively in his flaming teal hands, sitting up after the explosions were over. Fizzarolli stood up and coughed in Asmodeus’ flaming hands. Relieved to see Fizzarolli unharmed, he brought him close to his face, the lovers nuzzling and sighing happily.

Glitz lay on top of her sister and lifted up her head.

“So does that mean we win?”

Glam also lifted up her head. Both sisters smirked at each other before a slab of rock fell on them. “ACK!” they yelled from underneath the rubble.

A poster showing dancing on a ball and Mammon grinning in green light was run over by the wheels of the limo. Mammon dollar bills lay in the street. Meanwhile inside the limo, Fizzarolli and Asmodeus were nuzzling and making lovey-dovey giggling noises, Fizzarolli cradled in his partner’s arms. Blitzo smirked next to them and asked, “So, um, who tops?”

Fizzarolli groaned and Asmodeus blushed. They both looked at each other, implying that they each took turns being dominant in bed.

Chapter Text

C.H.E.R.U.B. Last Time…

Cletus glared one last time at the imps. “This isn’t over!”

The cherubs summoned a colorful portal to Heaven and flew through it…but then were suddenly repelled back.

“What the?!” Cletus asked.

Five more cherubs came through the portal. Rachel, a white sheep, Beau, a gray sheep with a bow, Honey, a bee, and Bea, another bee. The four hovered with their hands in prayer. The last cherub, the leader, was a brown deer dressed in purple overalls, a lavender shirt, and a pink ribbon. Deerie conjured up reading glasses and a clipboard.

She spoke to the cherubs in a condescending manner. “Mmm, yeah, no sorry, Cletus, but I’m afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human. I’m afraid you can’t re-enter Heaven. Yeah, no…”

“What?!” cried the three C.H.E.R.U.B. members in disbelief.

Deerie chuckled. “Yeah, mm, sorry. Yeah, no…”

“Is there anything we can do?” Collin asked with a whimper. Deerie filed her hoof before chuckling again. “Yeah, no! Oh no, no, no.” She then said “no” to Collin, Cletus and Keenie as she pointed her front hooves at them. All of them had tears in their eyes.

“Uh! But we didn’t mean to!” Keenie pleaded. “We never! It was all…”

She pointed down to the scaffolding where I.M.P. was, but they had already left for Hell. Keenie screamed in horror and her companions gasped, eyes wide.

Deerie just smiled, “Anyway, sorry guys. But those are the rules, yeah!”

She did a happy wave and a “Bye!” as she and her group of cherubs flew back up through the portal.

“Wait! But…” Cletus flew up toward the portal but it had already closed. Cletus sniffled, then cried a river of tears from his eyes. The other cherubs also broke down into sobs.

Cletus, Keenie and Collin broke down in heavy tears as they surveyed the area around them. The audience lay slumped and dead in their seats after being shot with arrows and bullets. Metal scaffolding lay bent and wrecked on the wooden stage where Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie were moments before. The former opera singer now lay dead and crushed underneath a stage light that had fallen on top of her. And underneath a broken piano lay the dead crushed body of Lyle Lipton, the elderly inventor they had tried to save.

The scene was eerie and empty. The nervous well-dressed piano guy had promptly fled the scene, traumatized after the events. And those accursed imps had jumped through a portal back to Hell in triumph.

As Cletus cried some more, fountains of tears sprung from his eyes. Keenie and Collin rushed in to comfort him. The trio had never felt so vulnerable before.

“I…I can’t believe this!” Cletus wailed. “We were so close to helping out that man…even though he was shitty and old…”

“Language,” chided Keenie.

Cletus continued. “We did everything right, but now we can’t get back through.”

“It’s not…completely your fault,” Collin said, putting a hoof on his leader’s back in comfort. “It was all an accident.”

Cletus raised an eyebrow at his comrade. “What do you mean ‘not completely?’”

“Well…” Collin began.

“You’re right, it was those imps’ doing!” Keenie interrupted, her white lacy wings flapping in frustration. “If only Deerie had seen what they were doing to us.”

The three took some deep breaths and sobs as they slowly calmed down. With a wave of his hand, their fancy dresses and tuxedos clothes were replaced by their regular outfits: reddish overalls for Cletus, a light blue shirt and white bow tie for Collin and a yellow dress for Keenie.

“What do we do now?” Collin asked, almost in a whisper.

“First thing’s first,” said Cletus. “We find a safe place to stay for a while. Who knows how long we’ll have to stay on Earth?” The others nodded in agreement.

“Urgh,” Keenie scowled. “First those filthy demonic trash decide to mock us and now we have to live among these…messy mortals?”

“Oh, come on,” Collin gave a small smile as the three left the theater. They looked again sadly at the deceased humans and made crosses with their hands before flying away through an open window.

0 0 0

Several months later…

In a park on Earth, a woman in a hooded brown dress stopped to look at a pretty pink flower on a bush. Next to her was a light pink baby stroller. The stroller then rolled down the gray path on its own, the woman waving her arm, then glancing up. The stroller zoomed faster and faster down the paths.

The woman stood up. “My baby! Someone save my baby!”

Two frisbee players ducked as the stroller flew down the path between them. The stroller scattered a daddy and mommy duck, who quaked and flapped their wings. The stroller flew up a hill and barely avoided the snapping mouths of two alligators and a shark in a lake. The stroller continued its race down the street, hitting a red car who skidded to a stop and a blue car slowing nearby.

Two men wearing blue shirts, dark pants and caps were carefully carrying a rectangular pane of glass into a nearby truck that read “Pane In the Glass.”

“Sure hope this glass doesn’t break,” one of them said casually.

The stroller then shattered the glass, sending shards into both men. One man fell to the ground. “It broke!” the standing man yelled in surprise and agony as both men bled from the glass shards in their bodies.

The stroller gained speed and rolled dangerously toward a looming power plant. Noxious dark green smoke fumed into the air, while lime green slime steamed and bubbled in a round tank with a hazard symbol on it. A dark-skinned man with a cigarette in his mouth was wearing a red shirt and a baseball cap. He pushed a ramp that was labeled “INCONVINENT RAMP” with THE “IN” crossed out in pink. A red robin flew up toward the steaming vat of acid, and instantly turned into a dead skeleton from the fumes.

Nearby stores read “West St Bank,” “ICE CREAM,” “Cassettes R US – Closing Down Always.” There was a “Meat and Deli” “Beaukay’s Flowers and Gifts” and a poster with an orca whale and a cruise ship that read, “Coming This Summer, We Said Eat The Rich, THEY AGREED. BILLIONAIRES BEWARE: An Orca Documentary.”

Another dark-skinned man wearing glasses, dark pants, and a green sweater was casually strolling down the street, accidentally dropping his white ice cream from his cone. He scooped up the ice cream on the ground, and turned in shock as the stroller zoomed toward him…

And bonked into him as it came to a stop. There was a moon and star hanging inside the stroller, the baby under a blanket. He stood up with a hand on the stroller and smiled. Near a red car that had “MILF” license plate, the robed woman raced up to him as the baby cried.

“Oh, thank you, thank you! How could I ever repay you?” She embraced him as the man licked his dirty ice cream.

“No need, ma’am, I was just in the right place at the right time,” smiled the man.

A white arm from inside the stroller reached out and snatched the man’s brown wallet from his pants pocket. The woman let go. The man happily licked his ice cream and strolled away.

The woman glanced around and wheeled the stroller into a nearby alleyway. With a kick, a gasping Collin flew out and took several deep gasps.

“Did you have to hug him so hard? I’m at underwear level, you know, and that guy clearly hadn’t showered today!”

Keenie ripped off her dress disguise.

“Oh, stop complaining. I had to sell it, didn’t I?” She glanced over. “How’d we do, Cletus?”

The C.H.E.R.U.B. leader popped out from under the blanket, holding the stolen wallet. He counted the money and frowned.

“Not great. Let’s set up for another run!” He disappeared back under the covers.

Collin nervously looked around, looking guilty and unsure. “I don’t know, Cletus. Doesn’t this all seem a little…” he whispered, “…sinful?”

Cletus popped up. “We’ve been over this! We are still helpin’ people! We just provided that man with an opportunity to be selfless and heroic.”

“After that performance, he’s sure to get into Heaven!” Keenie exclaimed. “We just saved a soul!”

“Is…that how it works?” Collin asked.

“Don’t you think eternal salvation is worth 20 bucks and a Queesno sponge card?” Cletus asked.

Cletus and Keenie gave Collin wide sparkly puppy dog eyes as angelic music played. Collin sighed.

“I guess…it’s just…” Collin stuttered.

Cletus bawled like a baby. Keenie put her hands on her hips in the air. “You wanna eat, don’t you? You wanna live long enough to save more souls and earn our way back to Heaven?”

“Of course! I just…”

Cletus glared and slapped Collin. “Well then quiet your incessant winching and get back under that coat! We have to…”

A dark security camera moved ominously above them in a corner, watching.

As Cletus berated a flinching Collin, a white dart struck Cletus in the back. “Woah! Uhhh…” He wobbled and groaned until he collapsed, head lowered. Keenie and Collin gasped in horror before, they, too, were shocked and stunned from behind. They screamed before they fell to the ground, charred from the stun guns. They were picked up and taken away…by none other than the demon-hunting Agents of D.H.O.R.K.S.

The three Cherubs soon woke up inside the Agent’s headquarters, each of them tied up in chairs in the interrogation room. They all flinched as the light blinded them.

“Where are we?!” Cletus asked, frightened.

A white man with brown hair wearing dark sunglasses and a suit appeared…Agent One. He shined a lamp into Cletus’ face and seethed.

“We ask the questions here, hellspawn.”

Cletus did wide puppy-dog eyes and an innocent look. “But I’m just a little baby! Why would you…”

Cletus then got his face bashed into the table by Agent Two with a fist. She was an African American woman with blonde short hair and dark sunglasses, wearing an identical suit. She grabbed his head roughly, peering close to his face.

“Drop the bullshit!”

She smacked Cletus’ head into the table again.

“We know you’re working for that demon filth!”

Agent One slammed his hand on the desk, threateningly, shining the lamp. “Where’s your boss?”

“What boss?” Keenie asked.

“This guy!”

On a white D.H.O.R.K.S. paper he slammed down on the table, there was a doodle of a grinning Blitzo carrying a cannon weapon. On the side of the paper was the D.H.O.R.K.S. email: [email protected]. 1-555-DHORKS.

“You know that…peanut head?” asked Collin.

Agent Two stood up and pondered.

“So that’s his name…”

“Are you sure?” asked Agent One. “Odd name for a demon.”

Cletus grinned, eye swollen, some teeth missing, and lifted up his head.

“You know, I think maybe we can help each other out here…”

“Silence!” Agent Two smacked Cletus in the back of his head. “We do the talking here!”

“Unless you wanna join your demon brethren in our containment cells!” Agent One added.

“No way, we’re angels!” Keenie exclaimed.

“Oh really?” Agent Two wondered, peering closely at the cherubs’ wings and halos. “How do we know you aren’t shapeshifters?”

The cherubs went silent.

“Uh, I’m pretty sure they are angels, Two,” Agent One remarked.

“Oh.”

The cherubs glanced at each other in the brief awkward moment.

Agent One took back the paper. “The question is, why would a bunch of angels be looking for demons?”

A lone spotlight shone on Collin. “We just want to get back into…”

“We are Exorcists!” Cletus interrupted. He knew the agents would help them if they shared the same lust for vengeance. “The flaming swords of the Heavens here to strike them down with fiery vengeance!”

Keenie grinned evilly as she shared a look with Cletus. “Yeah, yeah! We lay in wait for them to return to Earth, so we can smite them once and for all!”

“What are you guys talking about…OWW!”

Cletus kicked Collin from under the table. Keenie and Cletus both glared at him.

“So, are you saying you guys are like these guys?” Agent One asked. He showed a drawing of an Exorcist angel, complete with a blessed spear, horns, and wings.

“Yes, just like that!” Cletus claimed. “Only…we left our uniforms behind…and we lost our spears, too. We tried to go to Hell, but the portal sent us to Earth.”

Keenie added, “We go down to Hell every year to kill Sinners…oh how we enjoy the spill of their filthy blood!”

Collin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His own colleagues were making up stories and bragging about killing former humans.

Agents One and Two pondered. “Well, although you don’t look like the Exorcists, you have the same enemy we do,” said Agent One. “I’m all for it.”

Agent Two nodded. “And don’t worry about your uniforms…we’ll make you brand new battle suits, capable of enduring any…hellish climates.”

Hellish climates?

Collin stuttered. “B-but I thought we were going back to…”

“Shut it, Collin!” Keenie whispered under her breath. “Killing those demons in Hell is our ticket to salvation!”

“A-are you sure is not just for revenge?”

“Vengeance is good! Right, Collin?” Cletus glared with a forced grin.

“Y-Yeah, I guess…”

Agent Two stood up and put a hand on Cletus’ shoulder. “Maybe you don’t have to wait.”

Agent One grinned, adjusting his sunglasses. “Come with us.”

To the cherubs’ amazement, they soon found themselves being untied and led around the secret facility. The two agents stood in an elevator with the cherubs in the middle. The doors opened and the agents strolled forward.

The cherubs flew forward, eyes wide in amazement. “Whoa!”

Agent Two operated the controls on a moving white platform. Agent One posed with his arms in the air. They were in a vast high-ceiling space with metal walls, dark pipes, and eerie green lighting in every corner. To the left, were a row of sleek white jets hanging from a metal beam.

Agent Two pulled a round lever back and the platform the cherubs hovered on began to move. White, fluorescent lights buzzed and hummed above them. Keenie peered over the black railing and couldn’t believe what she saw. Marching like stormtroopers below were an army of cloned male priests. They had white skin, short gray hair, and wore tall pope hats of white and gold. Their robes were white with gold trim. The gold trim looked like crosses near their chests. Each priest held dark rifles with gold plated ends, handles and gold Christian crosses on top of the guns.

Agent One turned to the cherubs. “Since the demons’ assault on our Compound X, we have successfully sent our videos of the demon attacks to the government as evidence. As a result, our government has quadrupled our funding and allowed us unfettered access to the most bleeding-edge military advancements.”

Agent Two grinned at the surroundings. “Demonic containment cells, hellfire suppression suits, camouflage exoskeletons, and a battalion of highly trained combat priests!”

Off to the side, were three glass tubes full of glowing green light and liquid. Inside were floating clones of the priests. The first was a naked baby holding a cross with a large, pointed head with bulging veins. The second tube held a floating priest with the gold and white robes looking like a child, holding a cross. The third held a full-grown adult priest. By the tubes, two scientists in white coats took notes on their clipboards. One was an African American woman, and the other was a bald white man with round glasses. A nearby green monitor showed brain waves and a green x-ray skeleton of a priest, with a Christian cross in the center of the chest.

“So…do you have enough priests for a full army?” Cletus asked.

“Of course,” said Agent One.

“I mean…are their weapons blessed and powerful? The demons and rulers in Hell are pretty powerful.”

“Don’t worry,” said Agent Two. “These guys will outnumber those demons for sure. Not even the demon royals will see them coming!”

‘I hope Heaven doesn’t find out about this,’ Collin thought. ‘Heaven would be furious at us letting humans go to war with demons. We may be angels, but the Exorcists are the real professionals. At this rate, we’ll only cause more war…and never return home.’

Collin looked to the left and flinched. Shadows of octopus beings, horned demons, and other monsters scratched, roared, and screeched in protest from behind the green-tinted windows of their cells. A nearby sign with an upside-down top hat crossed out read, “No Magicians Permitted.”

The platform maneuvered through a round arch with green lights on the sides, until it came to a stop.

“All so we could finally utilize…this!” Agent Two began.

They ended up in a large room with tall tubes of green liquid on either side of the room. A round metal circle was held in place by four pipes above and beams on either side.

“What is it?!” Cletus asked.

Agent Two showed a victory fist and walked over to a control panel. “Our ticket…to the other side!”

With her right hand, she pushed a round green button. The circles on the large metal circle lit up white, going up until all were lit. The machine hummed and whirred. Agent Two typed on the controls.

Agent One grinned. “This is an extra-dimensional portal generator. This bad boy will allow us to open a door straight into Hell, where we plan on eliminating the demonic threat before they can tarnish this great country!”

The thick tubes on either side filled up with the liquid to the top. A metal clawed device moved out from a slot inside the portal rim. Four more devices appeared from inside. An orange laser beam fired from the first one on the upper left, the lasers bouncing around until they made the shape of an upside-down pentagram. The pentagram spun at rapid speed, until a monstrous portal appeared. Roars echoed from inside and electricity sparked throughout the room. Yellow flames surrounded the red and black swirling maw. The room glowed with ominous red, orange, and yellow light, the liquid in the tubes appearing like lava.

All the cherubs flinched.

Agent One grinned and then paused. “Uh…well once we work out all the kinks, yeah?”

“Kinks?” Keenie asked.

The portal collapsed into teal blue fire until it shrunk into a small hole with a rim of blue flames.

Agent Two turned to the cherubs. “So far, we’ve only been able to open the portal about two feet in diameter. Hardly big enough to fit a child through.”

Agent One turned around. “And we can’t very well send children…after last time.”

Agent One remembered posing as five children wore soldier uniforms and carried guns with lines of bullets on their backs.

“Forward!” they called as they jumped one by one into the portal. Screams were shortly heard as an eldritch monster with black and pink stripes and pink eyes roared. The tenacles burst through the portal, leaving behind a stunned Agent One covered in red blood, organs, and the remains of the eaten children.

Agent One sobbed and did a soldier salute. “Those goddamn American heroes.”

Agent Two stood up and paced with her hands behind her back. “Honestly, we’re not even sure that was Hell we sent them to. Point is, we could use someone…or some ones with more experience.” She grinned while looking at the cherubs. She wrapped an arm around them. “How about it, little guys?”

Agent One held his hands in fists and grinned.

“Wanna help us hunt some demon scum?” the two Agents asked at the same time.

The cherubs looked at each other, their faces scrunched together. Keenie and Cletus looked at each other, then they both glanced down at Collin. Collin kept a face of sheer concern, but Cletus and Keenie roared “FUCK YEAH! HAHA!”

Agent One later typed on a computer where a blueprint of a “Demon Exoskeleton 001” appeared. Various parts were labeled: “Infrared Vision”, “Explosive Ordnance,” Adaptive Camouflage,” “Power Core: Kerosene 666,” “Reinforced Titanium,” “Back-up Battery,” “Ballistic Countermeasures,” “Hella-Dynamic Design.”

After several hours of crafting, the cherubs were called to the side by the Agents. Soon there were four suits in tall glass capsules ready for use. The capsules opened up to reveal the powered mecha suits.

Robotic arms attached the helmet, arms, legs and robotic parts to fit each of the cherubs.

Cletus’ suit was modeled after Blitzo. The suit was a pinkish red with curved pink metal imp-like horns, xs on the wrists like Blitzo had, a purple visor and even a symbol in the chest that matched Blitzo’s necklace symbol. Cletus smiled from inside the suit and did a pose. From his fists, he fired flaming missiles that exploded into a cardboard cutout of Blitzo. A nearby scientist lady with glasses and blonde hair ducked out of the way.

Collin’s suit was modeled after Moxxie. He stepped out of the capsule and looked at one of his weapon arms with uncertainty. His suit was lavender and purple colored, with a purple bow-tie design in the center. The white metal short horns resembled Moxxie’s horns.

Keenie, meanwhile was loving her yellow and gold suit modeled after the fierce fighter Millie. She had a long metallic pointed tail, a spiky dark orange visor, an orange “x” in the center of her chest, slender legs, and smaller metal horns that looked like Millie’s. She did a majestic flip through the air and landed in a fighter pose, her metallic claws scrapping the floor. She then launched herself into the air using a rocket attached to her back and wings on the side. She did ariel flips in the air, purple flames trailing behind her, before landing in a pose again, fist down. The cherubs, now armed with their mechasuits, strode proudly toward the portal, ready to eliminate I.M.P. and get their revenge (save for Collin).

Running alongside C.H.E.R.U.B. was Agent One in a Loona fursuit. He put the headpiece on over his face. Agent Two held a hand to stop Agent One. She smiled and handed Cletus a red Pokedex Pokemon Gameboy-styled device for communication. Agent One slouched off in his costume.

The cherubs reached the portal ready to enter…

Only to realize that they would be too small to fit. Cletus froze with his eyes wide.

The cherubs then spent the next several minutes removing their suits and dragging the heavy metal pieces through the portal. Collin heaved as he pulled his helmet through the portal before the portal closed. They were up on a roof in the Lust Ring. Cletus strode forward on a roof, holding the beeping red device.

“Two, this is Red Baby,” spoke Cletus into the device, using a codename. “Blue Lamb and Yellow Sheep are here. We have arrived into Hell. Through it doesn’t appear to be as fiery as I imagined.”

“What do you see?” asked Agent Two.

“A very strange city, over.”

The device beeped as Cletus looked at the city. The sky was dark blue, always night. There were neon signs of hearts, breasts, sexy legs, lips, x’s and arrows.

After the cherubs put on their suits, Cletus called out, “Let’s go. Don’t attract any attention, you know how dangerous these freaks can be.”

The cherubs flew silently through the rainy sky until they came to a roof. The beeping sounded faster as they moved closer to their main target: Blitzo. Sure enough, there he was, in a candle shop talking to a demon shop keeper with a candle on his head, long horns and many arms.

Collin let out a gasp as Keenie threw him roughly onto the roof.

Cletus glanced at the device, the arrow on the screen close to Blitzo’s icon.

“Ooooh, there he is!” Collin said. Collin and Keenie peered through the dome to get a closer look.

“Let’s take him!” Keenie growled.

Cletus pulled his colleagues back with his metal hands. “Hold on! Where’s the rest of them? He wasn’t alone before. I say we follow him for a bit, make sure he’s by himself.”

Keenie stood with her hands on her hips, metal pointed tail moving. “Cletus, if we don’t do this, we are never getting back into Heaven!”

“Which is why we have to make sure this goes smoothly!” Cletus replied, making himself taller. “We have only one shot. It has to be perfect.”

Cletus leaned over the side and spotted Blitzo walking down the sidewalk in the rain. Various neon signs flashed, “It’s Just Boobs,” “Step On Me,” “Sexy,” “Top-Bottom,” “Lemons,” and “Hot Babes.” Blitzo entered another shop with pink windows. The cherubs flew down and landed on an upper balcony. The three cherubs snuck inside the shop and hid behind a red movable drawer decorated with red hearts.

“Sweet heavens, what kind of store is this?” Collin asked in horror and disgust. He glanced up at the various BDSM sex devices: demonic masks on display, erotic outfits, paddles decorated with hearts, a bunch of straps, chains, whips, phallus shaped vibrators and the like.

Keenie tried not to barf. “This guy truly is a SICKO!”

“Keep it down, Keenie!” Cletus hissed.

“Can I help you all?” asked the spider shopkeeper as he pulled apart the rows of straps hiding them. All three cherubs screamed.

Cletus walked up to the shopkeeper as the others followed and crouched by the counter. Blitzo looked at some straps, not noticing them. Cletus began, “Hello fellow vile hellbeast. We are on a totally normal demon day, just out lookin’ to get some good tormenting in. We need some good…” he gaged in disgust, “…to-torture supplies.”

Cletus’ mouth fell open as Blitzo left the store.

The spider smiled. “Well, you’ve come to the right place, my slyly robotic looking friend. What kind of torturing are we looking to do?”

“Oh!” Cletus replied nervously, sweat dripping down his face as the spider held his shoulder. “You know, just your standard …pain.”

Collin quickly added, “As long as it doesn’t hurt too much. Like do you have any harshly worded bumper stickers?”

“Uhhh…” the spider paused.

“Or something for a mild spanking?” Keenie suggested.

The spider grinned again. “Oh, we have that in spades.” He presented a variety of punishment-inducing props that made the cherubs’ eyes go wide. “We got your flops, your crops, your whips, your whisks, sudden, un-sudden, wooden, leather, titanium, brimstone, what are you intooooo?” Blue flames briefly burned in the darkness as the cherubs huddled together in terror.

The cherubs fell silent in shock. Cletus cleared his throat. “I don’t know if that’s exactly what we’re looking for. What was that other horrid hellspawn looking at?”

“Oh, just some of those!” said the spider. He pointed to an execution-style chair with phallus devices, whips on the wall and a figure of a demon upside down on a rack.

The cherubs stared speechless as Collin fainted backwards. The cherubs burst out of the store with their rockets, Keenie holding Collin in the air.

“Cletus,” Keenie yelled in fear. “He’s clearly on his way to claim another innocent earthly soul in some sick barbaric fashion! We have to stop him!”

Cletus listened as his device received a signal. “Not yet, we have to wait, for our moment.” He spoke into the device, “Red Baby coming in. We are following our target now. Blue Lamb is…recovering from shock.”

They all flew off into the distance. They landed in a bush near a purple neon “Sluts Ur Us” shop. Cletus picked up readings from his satellite from a device in his hand.

Collin used binoculars and observed the long line of demons waiting outside of Ozzie’s. Two bouncers stood guard at the heart-shaped entrance.

“Heavens what is this place? It’s so heavily guarded.”

Keenie put two fingers together. “Armory? War room?”

Cletus banged his fist on her helmet. “Quiet! Don’t you realize stealth is our greatest advantage here?”

A succubi couple walked past them, wearing fancy clothing. “Oh darling, look voyeurs! Positively adorable, darling!”

Collin peered through his binoculars and noticed Fizzarolli driving a forklift and Blitzo walking beside him.

“I think he’s coming…OH GOD! WHAT’S THAT?!”

He spotted Blitzo’s purple phallus-shaped device.

Cletus took the binoculars and gulped. “Dear…God…”

Keenie then peered through the binoculars. “He’s going to use THAT?! ON AN INNOCENT PERSON?! WE HAVE TO STOP HIM NOW!”

Cletus took a breath. “You’re right. Okay guys, it’s time. Now’s our moment. Remember everything that horny little fudgeknuckle did to us because now, we make him pay. For the humans, for the heavens and most of all…FOR US! LET’S GO KICK SOME ASS!” They launched themselves into the air.

“LET’S FUCK ‘EM UP!” Cletus shouted.

Cletus was suddenly knocked onto the ground by a leaping Millie. Cletus seethed and crawled on the ground as Millie brandished her deadly black axe with a smirk.

“W-what? How did you…” Collin stuttered before Loona knocked him to the ground.

“Find ya?” Loona grinned, holding him down. “We were already following our dumbass boss to make sure he doesn’t fuck up our meal ticket.”

Kennie spotted Blitzo walking in the distance. She started to race after him until Moxxie fired bullets in her way. She glared and revealed her metal claws. He aimed his gun at her.

“And you weren’t exactly covert.”

Loona posed and smirked, her butt prominent. “You got a lot of nerve coming to our neighborhood after the ass kicking you took last time.” She wagged her butt, taunting them.

Cletus glared. “A lotta nerve, and a LOTTA UPGRADES, MUTT!”

He clenched his hand into a fist and used his long extendable robot arm to knock Loona away. He fired a missile from his left hand, which Millie barely dodged, swinging her axe. The missile exploded into blue flames. The force of the blinding explosion knocked her back.

Moxxie bared his teeth and fired from his gun at Cletus. He used his gauntlet as a shield.

“The boss!” Cletus called, hovering in the air. “Get their BUTTS!” He fired missiles from both his hands. Moxxie leaped out of the way.

Collin raced forward and aimed his gun hesitantly at the back of Blitzo’s head as he walked. Collin hesitated too long, because Loona lifted the gun out of his hands.

“No you don’t, bitch!” she yelled.

Blitzo inadvertently dodged the bullet when he bent down and picked up a coin. The bullet hit a white-haired incubus in the head and he collapsed. Blitzo grinned as he stared at the coin and put it in his pocket. He glanced down and almost tripped over the incubus body. “Hey wake up, asshole.”

Moxxie leaped behind a pile of debris, avoiding another teal blue explosion. He crouched down with his gun drawn as another explosion flashed nearby. Keenie zoomed forward with her rocket propelling her forward. She kept flying until she yelled and flipped in mid-air, dodging phallus shaped bullets tossed by Millie.

Meanwhile, Loona and Collin wrestled for the gun. Collin aimed it again, but Loona pressed down on it with her hands, causing bullets to create rows of holes in the street. Millie lifted up Keenie with her broken red axe handle. She noticed the barrage of bullets coming her way and used her handle to pull up a manhole drain as a shield decorated with purple neon hearts. She then used the manhole cover to knock Keenie away. Keenie’s metal claws sliced through it. With a swift kick, Millie pushed down on the manhole, causing Keenie’s metal claws to break off.

Millie smirked. “Sorry hun, you can play as me, but that doesn’t mean you’re anywhere close…”

Millie yelped as Cletus grabbed her with his robotic arm. Keenie found herself being pulled along too as Millie’s pointed tail was wrapped around her neck. She grabbed the remains of her metal claw. Both females screamed as they were dragged along. Keenie seethed and stabbed Millie in the leg with the metal claw. Millie cried out as black blood splattered in the air. Keenie grinned but paused as a bullet hit her visor, breaking off some glass. She growled and looked toward Moxxie.

“Mox!” Millie exclaimed with a smile.

Millie then used her tail to fling Keenie into the wall of debris. Moxxie grinned and held the cherub’s shoulder, aiming his gun at her face.

“Welcome to Hell, bitch!”

In response, Keenie grabbed both his arms and sent both of them in the air with her rockets.

Millie screamed in pain as she tore out the metal claw from her leg with her tail and used it to cut off Cletus’ robotic arm, freeing herself from his grip. She swung herself onto Cletus’ other arm and launched herself onto his back.

“Wait, what the…”

Cletus sputtered as Millie stabbed him in the back with the metal claw. His suit sparked with teal electricity. He launched himself into the air. Keenie punched Moxxie repeatedly as they flew into the air. Millie noticed and jumped off of Cletus’ back, kicking him so he would fall. Millie jumped onto Keenie’s back, wrestling her off of Moxxie.

Collin fired his gun repeatedly at Loona who hid near a building. Loona yelped as a bullet struck her in the shoulder. She briefly shifted into her human disguise to make herself smaller. Collin’s gun firing was stopped when Cletus landed on him.

Loona peeked out from her hiding spot.

Millie punched Keenie in the arm, breaking part of her suit. Suddenly, Millie, Moxxie, and Keenie all screamed as they plummeted to the ground. Loona gasped as she turned back into her Hellhound form.

How could she help catch their fall?

Loona then spotted two pink demons up top. A black-haired muscular incubus and a long white-haired succubus clinked their glasses at the top of a hotel. Loona took Cletus’ fallen gauntlet and aimed a missile at the building. The building read “Cock and Comb Resort” in blue neon with blue palm trees.

The building cracked and split in two, the couple on the roof screaming. Blitzo heard the sound but as he turned around, a bus appeared with a graphic smiling Fizzarolli face and the words “Blowout Sale! I don’t want them anymore!”

As the three individuals fell, Moxxie kicked Keenie off of them. By sheer luck, Moxxie and Millie landed in the hotel pool seconds after it crashed to the ground. Both imps, relieved that they survived, made out with their long tongues in plain sight. The incubus stared wide-eyed at the destruction and the scene.

Keenie collapsed painfully to the ground. Had she been human, she would’ve been killed. Blitzo casually walked away to his destination.

The cherubs, now dirty and injured, slowly moved back together. Cletus dragged his companions with one hand, holding his beeping device in the other. All of their suits had been destroyed and left behind.

“R-Red Baby…we failed…must get back to Earth…” Cletus groaned into the device.

The small portal opened next to them. To add insult to injury, a grinning Loona tossed their red device away and kicked all three screaming cherubs back through the portal. They landed in a dazed heap back at D.H.O.R.K.S. headquarters. The portal then closed.

The Agents’ shadows loomed over the wounded cherubs.

“So, how’d it go?” asked Agent Two, curious. She held a white mug that read “Pizza Party?” on it with a slice of pizza in the middle and confetti on the sides. Agent One posed in his Loona furry costume, revealing his face. Agent Two held a leash that connected to Agent One’s spiky collar.

“W-wait,” Cletus moaned. “That’s the demon that kicked us back. Y-you’re a fan of her?”

Agent One shrugged with a smile. “What can I say? She’s hot.”

Agent Two yanked on his collar. “Stop messing around and help me get these angels healed.”

“I-it’s okay,” Cletus croaked, “We can h-heal ourselves…” he slumped back to the ground.

Agent Two grabbed Collin and Keenie, while Agent One got Cletus.

“Let’s get them to the healing chambers,” said Agent One. “I’ll see if I can remake their demon exoskeletons.”

Several hours later, the cherubs awoke to find themselves healed, washed and refreshed. They had rested on glowing green rectangular tables with oxygen masks. An eerie monotonous chant surrounded them as the priest clones raised their arms and spread healing energy to them. They even poured holy water onto their heads. They soon departed into the darkness to continue their marching and training.

“Whoa, what happened?” Cletus asked. He and his colleagues sat up and flapped their wings.

Agent Two grinned. “Did I mention that the priests can also heal people?”

“No offence, but I don’t think any real human would want to encounter those guys,” Collin said. “Too creepy.”

Agent Two shrugged. “They’d hardly notice the difference between them and the real pope. Besides, the humans shall thank us once we’ve finally eliminated the demonic threat.”

“I don’t know if Heaven will approve…”

“Stop your whining, Collin!” Keenie barked. “Now what do we do without our suits?”

“One is in the process of making some new gadgets,” said Agent Two. “And I need to help train the priests and avoid the various complaints and lawsuits about the fallen children that seem to creep in, despite our organization. You three get some rest in the meanwhile.”

“I’m hungry,” Collin mentioned as all of the cherubs’ stomachs grumbled in agreement. “Have any food?”

A few scientists came into the room and brought them small burgers with leafy greens, peas, and a few overcooked mashed potatoes on trays. Three small apple juice boxes came with it.

“Nowhere near as good as Heaven food,” Keenie sighed.

“But it’ll do,” said Collin.

Keenie fumed. “I can’t believe we just got defeated…again! I swear those demons will pay!”

“Look on the bright side,” said Cletus. “If their leader comes to Earth to harm more humans, we’ll be doubly prepared! We have the Agents on our side now!”

Collin sighed. “At least we won’t have to steal any more money to eat…hopefully. This place gives me the jitters, but it’s better than living on the streets.”

Keenie seemed to agree. “Yes, we’re also helping save more souls by working to defeat the demons before they can harm any more people! Surely that alone will get us back!”

“But guys, these Agents also sent children into another world to die,” Collin whispered. “Don’t you think they might…sin against us when we’re no longer needed?”

Keenie put her hands on her hips. “Perhaps we should’ve left you behind to help the homeless people.”

“And let you two take things to extremes and violence? No way.”

Cletus glared. “You are here to help us, right?”

Collin nodded after a pause.

“Then do yourselves and us a favor and FOLLOW MY LEAD! You too, Keenie.”

Keenie mumbled, fists clenched. “If we had attacked that imp at the very start…”

“My moment was the best and you know it!” Cletus barked, jabbing a finger at her chest.

“And if Collin hadn’t hesitated when aiming at that imp…”

“S-sorry, Keenie…” Collin flinched from her angry expression and waving fist.

Cletus then wandered over to Agent One. “Say, do you have any ideas about how to capture a shape-shifting Hellhound?”

Agent One grinned. “Oh, how I’d love to capture Loona! And have her sign my suit. And…examine her fabulous booty…”

“Gross!”

“And there’s the snuggling, too. A real-life body-pillow! My bed’s freezing in this place…”

“You and your boyish fantasizes, One,” Agent Two rolled her eyes.

Keenie turned to Collin. “And don’t even think about sneaking off and telling any humans about this! They don’t need to go into a panic. If they find out about all this, we’re all toast.”

Collin whimpered as Cletus and Keenie flew off.

0 0 0

‘I miss home,’ Collin thought sadly as he watched the cloned priest army march in formation, chanting monotonous psalms meant to drive away demons. Cletus, Keenie, and the two agents were busy engaging in some kind of war strategy game reminiscent of Dungeons and Dragons. Sharing each other’s brutality and hatred of demons, they appeared to be having fun. In this strange new facility in this strange new world, Collin had never felt so alone and insecure. He could imagine the judgmental eyes of the angels and his fellow cherubs after stealing money and partaking in a future Heaven-Earth-Hell war.

Collin then had a thought. If the portal could be used to go to Hell…what if it could be used to get back into Heaven?

‘No, that’s crazy,’ Collin thought. ‘We’d just be banished again.’ He paused. ‘Then again…angels and humans aren’t allowed in Hell and those agents are already breaking the rules. Perhaps if I can convince my co-workers that there is a better way back to Heaven. Maybe we won’t have to kill demons or enter Hell again to prove ourselves.’

After the others had finished their roleplaying game and the agents left to craft more suits and weapons, Keenie called to Collin.

“How about you help the agents get their paperwork done? Cletus and I are going to check to see if any soul needs to be saved.”

Collin raised an eyebrow. “Why is that?”

Keenie folded her arms. “Because you’re the sidekick whimp who always gets in the way.”

“Hey!” Collin barked. “I always have to do the paperwork! And this time it’s not even our own!”

“The agents are busy with trying to recreate our battle suits!” said Cletus. “And since you’re good with paperwork, it’ll be good practice for you to learn how to be quiet!” Keenie snickered.

Collin groaned. “You’re seriously not thinking about going back to…that horrid place again, are you?”

Cletus scoffed. “Preferably not. Ideally, we’ll be fully armed and take those imps by surprise the next time they travel to Earth!”

“We wouldn’t even know where they are!” Collin countered.

“The red device certainly helped track him down in Hell,” Cletus mentioned. “They’ll just make another one for us to use here.”

“Ok then…”

Cletus and Keenie were about to leave, when Collin remembered his idea.

“Guys wait! What if there was another way back into Heaven?”

“Like what?” Keenie asked.

“If the agents can create a portal to Hell, shouldn’t they also be able to create one back to Heaven?”

Keenie pondered. “Well…I suppose it’s possible…”

“No it’s not,” Cletus argued. “They specifically said that portal was for Hell, only.”

“But they said they weren’t even sure where they sent the children,” said Collin. “That means the portal can go to multiple places.”

“The portal is still not complete,” said Cletus. “We could end up in a world even more dangerous! Besides, we’re not abandoning our mission for revenge against the demons! That’s the top priority.” Keenie nodded in agreement.

“Whatever happened to helping save human souls?” Collin asked. “Look at us now! We’re helping a bunch of criminal, child-killing agents, we’re putting humans in danger by opening portals to Hell! Why can’t we just put aside our hatred and…”

“’Get along with everyone’?” Keenie did air quotes. “The only way we can keep saving humans is to get rid of our enemies! The humans need our protection and if it involves invading Hell, then so be it!”

Keenie then turned around. “Although…I could ask the agents about sending us back to Heaven through their portal…”

Collin’s face turned hopeful…

“After we kill I.M.P.!” Cletus and Keenie both declared. They let out crazed laughs and left Collin alone in the cold darkness.

Chapter Text

The red full moon turned the crimson sky even redder than usual. Blitzo had gone shopping for sex toys: phallus shaped candles from a shopkeeper, whips and things from the spider shopkeeper and even got a chance to see Fizzarolli’s collection of gadgets. He had bought the Hell Dinger 5000 eldritch purple vibrator from Fizzarolli and was now lifting up a sack onto Stolas’ balcony.

Stolas twiddled his thumbs and sat sadly on his bed.

Blitzo posed as he lifted himself over the railing. He dragged the bag over to Stolas.

“Hi-dee ha hoo ha, Stolas! Guess what I got for us? I got lots of fun shit for us to play with tonight!”

He pulled out a large candle with “Dankee” on it.

“Like this extra-large candle that smells like…” He sniffed, “…hooorny!” He tossed aside a gnome-shaped butt plug. “I got-I got whatever uh, this little guy is, but I’m sure there’s some place in your cloaca we can stick it. And look at this bad boy!”

He turned on the vibrator and laughed evilly. “HAHAHA!”

Stolas sat up. “Do you…ahem, do you have my book, Blitz?”

Blitzo’s smile fell, and he turned off the vibrator. “Yeah, uh, yeah, it’s right here, I always bring it. Why do you…”

Stolas held out his hand. “I need it back. Permanently.”

Blitzo pulled the grimoire back. “N-n-now hold on, Stolas. Come on. Is this because I’ve taken up skipping a few rounds with you in bed because I’m busy? That ain’t fair. Alright, I-I can still hold up my end of the bargain! Alright? L-let me show you a good time tonight.” He spoke seductively. “You know I caaan…”

Stolas shuddered and pulled away. “Please don’t…say it like that, Blitzo. I…”

Blitzo used his hands to push open Stolas’ legs. “Come onnn, bitch. You know I don’t disappoint…”

Stolas briefly blushed, then shook his head. “No, no, no. There’s no need. I’ve made up my mind.” He stood up and walked away, grimoire in his arms.

Blitzo desperately followed him. “Stolas, please! I-I need this book, please! I need this book, Stolas. I will do anything.”

Stolas’ grimoire hovered next to him. Stolas did a small smile and showed Blitzo a small black box with a blue sigil of Asmodeus on top. He opened it, revealing an orange-yellow crystal on a teal cushion.

“This is an Asmodean crystal. It’s registered in your name.”

Blitzo looked confused. “Uh, what?”

Stolas flipped open the book with his magic, showing an icon of Blitzo using the crystal to travel from the Hell pentagram planet to a city on Earth, where he smashed it with his feet.

“Asmodeus has his demons legally travel to Earth for work all the time. I made the case for you to own one. You will be technically under his jurisdiction, but you will be able to go anywhere you want in the human realm without fear of consequence.”

Stolas put his grimoire back on the shelf. “Without breaking demon law. You no longer need my grimoire.”

“What?” Blitzo asked sheepishly.

Stolas breathed, looking downcast. “You…no longer have any obligation to see me, to touch me, to bed me, you are…you are free of me.”

Blitzo examined the crystal. “I…don’t understand. Why are you giving me this? Am I not, like, fucking you good enough? Because I-I can always-I can always do better…”

“Blitz,” Stolas began, looking him in the eyes and putting a hand on his shoulder. “I’m giving you this because I care…very deeply for you. And I have for some time.” He attached the yellow crystal to Blitzo’s glove, embedding itself into his hand. The sigil of Asmodeus briefly flashed in gold. “But this transactional thing we have, it’s not right anymore. It hasn’t been. It never was. And now all I can see is how wrong it is to be so tethered to someone in such an unfair way…and not know how they feel. But I want you to continue to be who you are, your business.”

Stolas removed his hat.

“You don’t have to stay with here with me. But…I want you to. I want you to stay here with me because you want to. Only if you want to.”

Blitzo then smirked after a pause. “Oookay, alright, you’re fucking with me.” Stolas appeared shocked that Blitzo was dismissing him. “This is an interesting roleplay. Never done this one, but I can get into it. Alright, how’s this, okay…’Oh Stolas, I’ll stay with you. I love you soooo much, I…’”

Stolas held up a hand for Blitzo to stop. He put his hat back on.

“Thank you Blitz, for…awakening me…for making me so happy. Even if only for a little while.” He paused, trembling with the pain of saying goodbye. “I wish you the best with your business.”

Blitzo was stunned. “Wait, what? You were serious? Oh, hold on now, Stols. What the fuck?”

Stolas somberly walked down the hallway, all the mirrors and photos covered by sparkly cloths. Stolas figured it was time to move on and put his past behind him. The pictures of Octavia peered behind the curtains.

“I have my answer, Blitz. You needn’t say anything. I have wanted you for so long, that your first instinct is that it’s always…about sex.” He paused. “That’s enough to know what this is.”

Blitzo fumed, kicking open the double doors. “What?! FUCK you, Stolas! You spring this feelings bullshit on me, are you FUCKING KIDDING?! Can I get a FUCKING minute to think after everything you put me through, you pompous rich ASSHOLE?!”

His voice echoed in the spacious room, bloodred light shining through the stained-glass windows.

Stolas and Blitzo froze, and a somber silence settled. The crystal wavy chandelier from Stolas and Blitzo’s childhood was also covered.

Blitzo continued. “Treat me like one of your little butler imps?! You can’t just dismiss me like that!” Tears formed in his eyes. “I mean, you royal fucks think you can do this EVERY TIME, like you can just play with our feelings because we’re smaller and not as IMPORTANT! Well, I’m not letting you, BITCH! LET’S GO!”

His voice echoed again. Tears flowed in Stolas’ eyes. He gulped silently and his mouth trembled.

“Blitz, I think so very highly of you…” His voice broke, “I didn’t realize you think so lowly of me…”

After a pause, he briefly gave him a glance.

“Goodbye, Blitz.”

Blitzo gasped and reached out. “Stolas, wait! I’m s…”

Before he could apologize, Blitzo found himself teleported outside Stolas’ mansion.

“What…the….FUUUUUUUCK?!” Blitzo screamed in disbelief and fury as a bunch of hellish crows cawed and flocked toward the red full moon in the crimson sky.

0 0 0

A smooth stream of water flowed into a large pool illuminated by white orbs and pink and blue light. Near the stream at the top were a group of dark orange Venus Fly Trap plants with orange eyes surrounded by black sclera. All around the garden were palm trees and leafy plants that gave it a tropical peaceful atmosphere, despite being in Hell. Stolas was lounging on a purple and blue lounge chair with gold trim. Next to him was a glass of red wine on a gold side table. Stolas was currently reading a romance novel called “Pride and Brimstone.” He wore a white housecoat robe decorated with dark leaves.

A figure climbed up the garden wall, which had spiky vines snaking up the sides.

“Heeellloo, hello, hello, Stolas.”

Stolas briefly peered up, then glared and covered his face with his book.

“You have…AH!”

Blitzo fell into the bushes before standing up and posing on a Venus Fly Trap plant.

“You haven’t been answering my texts and I sent you a bunch of funny shit. So what gives?”

Stolas deadpanned, still looking at his book. “I was hoping my lack of ‘ha ha’s’ in response to the photos you sent would be an indicator I didn’t want to talk right now.”

“Oh, come on, Stolas, we just had a rough night.” Blitzo gave him a suggestive look, lowering his book with a hand. “’Sides, you always want to hear from me.”

Stolas sighed and closed the book, fatigue in his eyes. “Blitz. What is it you want?”

“I wanna feel like I’m earning my way to Earth. Kay? So get your tight feathered ass out of that lawn chair and get into the bedroom so I can…” He leaned in close, “fuck it!”

“Wow. Poetry.” Stolas said sarcastically. He rolled his eyes and stood up. “I’m sure such a statement would have had me swooning by now.”

Blitzo followed him, nervously, brushing his own neck. “Uhh, I, sh-yeah, sure that wa-, okay, that was a shitty way for me to say it, but you usually like it when I talk all dirty and fucky and shit…”

Stolas walked toward a small red tent decorated with strings of round lights inside. The tent had a gold mobile at the top with a round moon and extending from it were figures of stars, a sun and a crescent moon.

Stolas turned around with a glare.

“Come on,” said Blitzo, “we don’t do words, we do sex.”

“As shocking as this might seem, Blitz, I don’t think I’m in the mood to do ‘sex’ with you. In fact, I don’t think I’m even in the mood to do words with you!” He waved a hand. “So how about you respect that.”

“Oh, come on, Stolas, you can’t mean that,” Blitzo pleaded, following him. “You always love seeing this.” He grinned and posed by the tent curtains.

“Seeing you right now is hard!” Stolas proclaimed. “I don’t want to feel worse than I already do.”

Stolas placed his book on a table.

“It’s bad enough I got an invite to this anti-Blitzo party,” Stolas said, opening up the invitation, “’an honorary invite for being your freshest ex.’”

Blitzo’s eyes went wide with shock and fury. “ANTI-BLITZO PARTY?! WHO THE FUCK’S BEHIND THIS?!” He reached for it, but Stolas held it back.

“Oh, it’s entirely immature,” Stolas remarked, waving a hand. “I’d never indulge in this nonsense, it’s silly.” He held out the invitation to Blitzo, who ripped it out of his hands.

“Real silly. Real fucking classy.”

Stolas then smirked. “Kind of them to invite me, though. It might be rude not to make an appearance.”

Blitzo opened it up.

On the front of the invitation was “YOU’RE INVITED!!” in pink cursive letters with hearts as the exclamation point dots. Down below was a drawing of a dead Blitzo with a large knife in his chest, lying in black blood. On the back was a pink broken heart. Inside the card were more pink words: “Stolas, congrats! Blitzo has officially broken your fucking heart. It would be my pleasure to extend this honorary invite for being his freshest ex, to our Halloween party in the human world (located at 666 South Maple Avenue) for closure and to indulge in our shared hatred for that miserable fuckboy. Hope to see you there. Verosika Mayday.” She signed her name with more hearts.

“VEROSIKA?!” Blitzo fumed. “Of course, that fucking bitch!”

“I will say,” Stolas began, “It’s rather concerning you have an entire party devoted to hating you though, Blitz.”

Blitzo placed the invitation back into Stolas’ hands. “Oh please, everyone hates me for shitty reasons.” He sat down in a chair. “In the end, everyone’s just bitter they couldn’t tie this ass down.” He propped his legs onto the table. “I’m too much imp to simp.”

Stolas folded his arms. “You really think that’s the reason?”

“Yes sir, they couldn’t handle that I moved on.”

“Oh! So you’re used to being the one crushing others’ feelings, hm?” Stolas asked, glaring.

“If by…” Blitzo impersonated Stolas’ royal voice, “‘crushing others’ feelings,’ you mean ends shit before it gets serious, then bingo!”

“If you’re so scared of getting serious and getting too close in relationships, what are you doing here then, Blitz?” Stolas asked.

Blitzo looked unsure. “Waiting for you to admit that you get off to getting plowed by people you look down on.”

“I don’t look down on you!” Stolas cried. “How many times do I have to say it? When have I ever?!”

Blitzo rolled his eyes and explained sarcastically, “Oh, I don’t know…how about when you first started using me for sex every full moon? Or when you wanted me to kill some guy for spreading info about global warming? And all that dirty talk you did on the phone…you claim I’m scared of intimacy, but you can’t even communicate properly! I’m just giving you what you want, right?!”

Stolas sat in a chair. “You sound just like that horrific cowboy Striker!”

“Oh, don’t compare me to that scumbag!” Blitzo snapped back. “I saved you the first time!”

“The first time?” Stolas asked.

Blitzo paused. “Yeah, you know, at the Harvest Moon Festival?”

“And yet, you didn’t look for me after he almost killed me in the Wrath mine!”

“I got there…eventually…”

“I called you for help!”

“Well, you sure sounded horny as fuck on the phone, though! Besides I had to take care of Loona.”

“Oh right, that pet of yours.”

“She’s my daughter, you prick!”

Stolas sighed and stood up, holding his “Pride and Brimstone” romantic novel in his long black arms. Blitzo followed him down the path.

“Anyway, how was I supposed to know you could get hurt?” Blitzo asked. “You’re immortal and shit! You’re a fucking prince! If me and my team could kick that guy’s ass so easily, then I’m sure you’d have no problem.”

Stolas turned around and did a mock bow. “I suppose you are right, silly me. It’s not an imp’s place to protect a Goetia is it?”

Bypassing Stolas’ sarcasm, Blitzo held out a hand. “Aaand there it is! Took ya long enough!”

Stolas put his hands on his hips. “That’s all you were waiting for, wasn’t it? For me to play into this idea you have of me that I’m this prince who thinks he’s so much better than you.” His arms lowered. “Well, I don’t! Why would I allow everyone to see how much I like you? And even if I didn’t like you, why would I waste my time mistreating you? Our relationship was supposed to be sacred! I’ve tried so fucking hard to spend time with you, to support you. You can’t just ignore all that!”

Blitzo fired back, “THAT’S THE GAYEST SHIT I’VE HEARD ALL DAY!”

Stolas glared down. “Do you ever feel any kind of remorse for what you do? Have you apologized properly to anyone once in your life?”

Blitzo’s tail swished back and forth. “Why would I need to apologize to anyone? They all just hurt me and then they’re gone. I have no time to do something sissy like that.”

“Is that what your father taught you?”

“Like that’s any of your business. Perhaps you should go back to your own prissy papa and let him help you find imp fucktoys to…”

“Get out!” Stolas barked. “Right now! I don’t want to hear any more from a person who can’t apologize…”

Blitzo sniffed, his voice cracking. “You think I can’t apologize?! Oh sorry, this entire time I assumed the worst because I was convinced a prince could never love someone like me and I’ve let my self-hatred stop me from apologizing to anyone I could ever care about!”

Stolas turned around, slightly surprised. “Well yes. That.”

After a brief silence, Blitzo fumed, pointing a finger. “Weeellll fuck you! I can sorry the fuck outta people! Just you watch!”

Stolas turned around and angrily stomped up the stairs toward the double glass doors.

Blitzo continued. “I sorried Fizz so hard, he cried! And I can sorry more people, everyone but you! ‘Cause I don’t owe you dick!”

Without another word, Stolas opened the door and slammed it shut, disappearing inside.

Blitzo sighed before turning around, full of resentment. “Everyone but you.”

0 0 0

Blitzo paced back and forth in his apartment before briefly curling himself up on his couch. Clenching a fist, he later slammed down his mug of coffee on a table, the mug showing a design of two horses howling at a full moon.

“I can totally apologize to the people I’ve fucked with,” Blitzo claimed. He got into his van and closed the door. A pile of junk, boxes, and cans sat next to him on the red seat.

“I mean, how many could there possibly be?”

He took a pen with a horseshoe design on it and wrote on a piece of paper. On the list were “Moxxie?” and “Annoying Kid.”

Blitzo traveled to a basketball court, where a demonic Eddie was pushing other boys and shooting a demon’s head into the basket. He was short and chubby with red skin, red eyes, a forked tail and claws. He still wore the same orange shirt with a ringed planet on it, black pants, and a blue baseball cap.

Blitzo tossed him a crumpled note and he glanced down. He picked it up and Blitzo’s note read, “Sorry. Welcome to Hell, dumbass!”

Eddie roared and gave a waving Blitzo double middle fingers.

Getting back into his van, Blitzo crossed off “Annoying Kid.”

Blitzo then wrote “Southern Bitch” on the list.

0 0 0

Mayberry walked from the I.M.P. office, satisfied that her rival Martha was dead and gone. She was happily full from the cake she had with the gang, “Killed the Bitch!” written on a banner. She figured that I.M.P. did a well enough job, despite the process being expensive and longer than she had expected. She wore her usual purple shirt with eyes, red thin glasses, red earrings, a white worn skirt and often let her hooved feet be free. She thought she would forever delight in the thought of Martha getting shot by the imp.

But after several more chaotic days trying to manage dozens of demonic children at her school, her satisfaction of revenge was short-lived. Here she was now in Hell, stuck in a place of misery. Which could only mean…

“Shit. She must still be out there, too!”

Mayberry couldn’t think of anything worse than being stuck in Hell with her rival. She could only hope that Martha was being tortured somewhere, preferably eaten by cannibals or wild animals.

The days went by. No sign of her husband anywhere. Mayberry was alone, with no family, no friends, and an old small apartment in a polluted city to call home. She worked full time at the school from dawn to dusk, scrambling to create lesson plans and meeting with parents to discuss “Malevolent behavior worthy of gold stars.” (Of course, killing wasn’t allowed and many Hellborn children mocked the Sinners for their deaths. “We’re proper demons, not hybrids,” they sang, while the Sinners punched their classmates retorting “We’re immortal! Have fun being Roo’s food!” “Well beware of the angels, ex-human fuckers!” “You’re not even real demons, freaks!”

“We like our children being tough and no bullshit, but even the interspecies fighting has gotten out of control,” many of the parents said.

“Bring back the Satanic Pledge of Allegiance,” another parent chided.

“Are you sure your heat conditioning works properly? And the reheaterator for their lunches?”

“So what if my son speaks demonic Latin and Enns? Can’t you include the language into your curriculum?

The demonic school board was even more harsh to her.

“Your school may be closed if it doesn’t follow our standards,” they said, holding clipboards and scrutinizing every corner of the classroom. “The torture toys are broken over here. The remains of this demon have not been properly disposed of. And your songs…reek of humanity!”

“Your lesson plans don’t include all the subjects for education. You have math, literature, science, physical activities…but no demon history? No inclusion of wealthy Envian aquatics and poor Wrath Imp children alike? You need updates. Your class has predominant Sinners…you need more diversity.”

“Low marks, Mayberry. Get your act together.”

Mayberry’s face fell as her demon students hit and hollered through her thoughts. Oh, how she missed her more innocent red schoolhouse on Earth and the chirping birds. The only birds around the school were many-eyed vultures around an old, rusted playground situated on cracked asphalt and surrounded by barbed wire fences.

Very little pay. Barely enough for rent. Big meals were few and far between. Long walks back to her apartment with a cacophony of catcalls, cursing, and crying.

Mayberry sighed as she stared at her reflection from her water in a cup. Her hands shook as she tried to eat bits of many classic demon foods: human hearts, fried bugs, dog heads, rotten vegetables and fruit, raw animal meats…anything disgusting to humans. Even the regular familiar food was stale in comparison to Earth. More guilt swept in as she found her taste buds liking and tolerating the food.

Even more bizarre, she found no problems or reactions as she smoked her cigarette. Perhaps she could drown herself in nicotine and drugs for eternity…and no one would notice.

She was a monster. A murderer. No longer human. Forever taken from her family because of her mistake and her jealousy. Being punished for sin…and ironically being in a place full of sin! Existence itself was a cruel joke.

Mayberry was surprised she hadn’t died in Hell already with all the crime and chaos going on. At any moment, her job and home would be lost, and she’d have to beg on the streets. Bags hung under her eyes for lack of sleep. She wondered if she would ever remember the blue sky from her past life ever again.

One of her only activities to bring her a sense of peace was being in nature. She walked through the woods whenever she got the chance. After discovering her newfound strength and enhanced senses, she was no longer afraid of going in alone, even at night.

“Finding refuge in the forest, like a creature of the night,” she thought.

She thought she would be the only Sinner to ever grace the presence of this woody place…

Until she saw HER.

A red skinned woman with thick black hair, and a gaping black eye with black liquid running down. Large black cloven feet and legs, a sexy wavy waist, prominent red breasts under a torn polka dot shirt, thick horns, a glowing pink eye…

There was no doubt.

“You!” Mayberry spat, pointing a clawed finger under the moonlight. “How the fuck are you still alive?!”

Martha turned around, dropping her deerskin. “Oh? Is that the whiny schoolteacher? Yes, I’m back.”

“Mrs. Mayberry, thank you very much,” Mayberry scowled.

“How’d you like your life in Hell now that you don’t have a family?” Martha asked, folding her arms. “Still an elderly widow bitch?”

“Like that’s your concern, slut. And how’re you hanging on after those imps killed you?” Mayberry fired back.

Martha seethed. “Pissed as fuck but otherwise…not so bad. Now if you’re done gloatin’ I gotta get back home…”

“Wait,” Mayberry said. “I…I don’t wanna be alone…”

“Huh?” Martha turned around.

“Although I hate…um hated your guts, you’re the only person I really know here.”

“Where’s my ex-lover and your ex-husband?”

Mayberry looked downcast. “No clue.”

“Wanna go find him?”

“Hell no! I’m barely managing on my own.”

“And you expect me to help you?”

“At least tell me how to better navigate this place.”

“You’ve been here longer than me, darlin,’” said Martha, “You seem to be doing fine on your own.”

“I wish.” Mayberry smirked. “It appears that imp crew I hired was successful in killing you.”

Martha scoffed. “So, you’re part of my death. Feel satisfied with your revenge?”

Mayberry sighed. “Well…not really anymore. I can’t believe it, though! To think they all called you a hero on Earth! If only I had my gun now…”

Martha shrugged. “I guess that means we’re both villains now. No use tryin’ to kill me now. We’re the living dead.”

Mayberry nervously fiddled with her hands. “Well…I killed my cheating husband and traumatized my school children! And now, I’m stuck here in this brimstone hellhole dump! I can barely eat and sleep.”

“I mean, I’m pissed that I got shot by those imps, but hey, Hell ain’t so bad! I mean, look at my new dashing form!” Martha swayed her hips. “And now you don’t have to worry about jail time on Earth. You’re free.”

Mayberry stared at Martha, strangely transfixed. She was stunned that her enemy left her feeling…aroused? Comforted? Confused? “I guess you’re right. I guess when you’ve killed someone and see it so much around you, you get sort of used to it. At least you don’t look like a horned purple people eater.”

Martha chuckled. “I like your body…makes you unique…in an old schoolteacher kind of way.”

Mayberry blushed, despite herself. “Really? I can’t believe I’m saying this but I think you’re…”

Martha smirked. “Hot too? This coming from my rival, heheheh. I guess my southern charm still works wonders.”

Mayberry gasped. “Wait, what about your husband and your kids?”

Martha shrugged. “Oh, they’re busy terrorizing villages and huntin’ the forest creatures. Ever since discovering my new strength and powers, I’ve grown more distant from them and felt…another calling.”

Mayberry raised her eyebrows. “A calling? I’ve been teaching little demon school kids. It has its perks I guess, but I still feel so…lonely.”

“Where do you live?”

Mayberry took a puff of her cigarette. “In the city. Some dingy old apartment.”

Martha grinned. “I live in a cabin in the dark woods. It’s a nice place to be away from the Sinners and scum.”

Mayberry folded her arms. “Your family was a bunch of cannibals!”

Martha grinned evilly. “Yep! All in the honor of Satan himself! I’m an honorary member of his cult, now!”

Mayberry froze. “Wait, Satan is real?”

Martha nodded. “Darn tootin! His cult is mainly comprised of imps from Wrath but there are plenty of centers here in Pride. We do dark rituals, eat other demons and train in an underground army to invade Earth. Actually pays pretty well. Plus, I think it’ll help bring down those imps. Satan’s very particular about how he wants demons interacting with humans.”

“Why would I want to join a bunch of evil psychos?”

Martha flipped her hair. “I mean, this is Hell, we’re all mad here. You’ll be stayin’ here forever, why not let yourself loose for a while? No point in tryin’ to instill your former human values here.”

Mayberry paused. Tired and lonely, she wanted someplace nice to relax, a comfortable bed, and a new companion. “In that case…can I come visit you in your cabin?”

Martha smiled, pleasantly surprised at Mayberry’s sudden eagerness. “Anythin’ to keep this lovely bitch company. I’m still pretty rich. You like baths?”

Mayberry smiled. “Who doesn’t?”

Martha winked. “Wanna join me and let things go…south…?”

Mayberry blushed and took several steps back. “Uh, um…I think Hell’s making me tougher…and gayer than I could have ever imagined on Earth…but still, then I’d be cheating…”

Martha rolled her working eye. “With a long dead ex-husband? Nah. Don’t worry. There’s always a chance to start over and form new relationships. Why not start now?”

Mayberry was still unsure. “And you want one with me? Even after I hired them to kill you?”

“Heh. It still satisfies me seeing you struggle to get used to Hell. I guess our deaths satisfied both our hatreds for each other.”

“And strangely brought us together…” Mayberry finished, staring into Martha’s eye.

Martha picked up her deerskin and took Mayberry’s hand. “Welcome to your new eternity in Hell, babe. Why not let go of the barren past and let your life get…spicy…?”

Mayberry smiled again, suddenly feeling lighter and freer than she could have dreamed. “No husbands…no problems…teach me a thing or two, demonic southern belle…”

Blitzo walked up to a cabin in the woods and knocked on the door. The door opened.

“Yeeauuss?” replied a woman with a southern drawl. She had red skin, sharp teeth and thick wavy gray hair with a few dark gray and red streaks in it. Her hair hung past her waist. She wore black skull earrings with red eyes. Her short shirt was torn, white with red polka dots and a black sharp top line, revealing large breasts. Her legs were black with red lines below her black belt and her feet were goat hooves. Finally, she displayed long black curved horns with red lines. Her left eye was pink against black sclera and her right eye was gaping black where she had been shot by Moxxie.

The woman then frowned and glared down at Blitzo, black hands on her hips. “Oh. It’s you.”

“Heeyy Martha,” Blitzo smiled nervously, speaking fast. “Look I know we killed you in the past, but I just wanted to say no hard feelings and offer this.”

He winked and held out a brown gift basket. Inside was Swiss cheese, bottles of hot sauce and a note with “sorry” on it.

As Blitzo handed it to her, a purple demon stepped out into the living room, dripping wet, hands up. She had red thin glasses, red diamond earrings, straight white hair, horns, a long tail, black hooves and a white towel wrapped around herself. It was none other than Mrs. Mayberry, the former schoolteacher on Earth. She and Martha had gone from rivals to lovers since they both turned into Sinner demons in Hell.

Mrs. Mayberry’s red eyes glowed and went wide in embarrassment as Blitzo gave her a smirk. Martha turned to glance at her partner, then shot back sarcastically at Blitzo, “Yeah, that’s fuckin’ right!” Giving him one last glare, she slammed the door on him. Blitzo smiled and crossed “Southern Bitch” off his apology list.

Martha turned back around and set the basket onto a table. Mayberry dried herself off.

“Was that…that imp I talked to a while ago?”

Martha scowled. “Yep. That horned fucker who traveled to Earth to kill me. What a pathetic excuse for an apology.”

“Your assassin tried to apologize to you? It sounded more like mocking if you ask me,” said Mayberry, raising her eyebrows.

“I agree.”

Mayberry looked downcast. “But still, I was the one who…”

Martha cut her off. “It’s alright, darlin’. How about we focus on relaxation and our future plan to bring down those low-class horned clowns?”

The two women sat down and took out slices of Swiss cheese.

“Whatever you say, dear,” said Mayberry. She poured a little hot sauce on the cheese and took a bite.

“Hey, this is a very unique flavor…wow that’s hot!” She gasped, her face briefly red.

Martha smirked. “Hotter than me?”

Mayberry grinned back. “Well, not even close.”

Martha fed Mayberry some of her cheese and Mayberry did the same. Before long, they had both finished the cheese and hot sauce, leaving only empty hot sauce bottles. They licked the remaining hot sauce around their mouths.

Martha smiled. “Here’s to the glory of Lord Satan, our newfound freedom, death to Blitzo and new relationships beyond husbands!”

Mayberry lit up in return, deciding to embrace her new life as much as she could. “Here, here!”

“Ave Satanus!” Martha proclaimed. The women clinked their empty hot sauce bottles together and made out with French-kissing.

Blitzo walked up to a cabin in the woods and knocked on the door. The door opened.

“Yeeauuss?” replied a woman with a southern drawl. She had red skin, sharp teeth and thick wavy gray hair with a few dark gray and red streaks in it. Her hair hung past her waist. She wore black skull earrings with red eyes. Her short shirt was torn, white with red polka dots and a black sharp top line, revealing large breasts. Her legs were black with red lines below her black belt and her feet were goat hooves. Finally, she displayed long black curved horns with red lines. Her left eye was pink against black sclera and her right eye was gaping black where she had been shot by Moxxie.

The woman then frowned and glared down at Blitzo, black hands on her hips. “Oh. It’s you.”

“Heeyy Martha,” Blitzo smiled nervously, speaking fast. “Look I know we killed you in the past, but I just wanted to say no hard feelings and offer this.”

He winked and held out a brown gift basket. Inside was Swiss cheese, bottles of hot sauce and a note with “sorry” on it.

As Blitzo handed it to her, a purple demon stepped out into the living room, dripping wet, hands up. She had red thin glasses, red diamond earrings, straight white hair, horns, a long tail, black hooves and a white towel wrapped around herself. It was none other than Mrs. Mayberry, the former schoolteacher on Earth. She and Martha had gone from rivals to lovers since they both turned into Sinner demons in Hell.

Mrs. Mayberry’s red eyes glowed and went wide in embarrassment as Blitzo gave her a smirk. Martha turned to glance at her partner, then shot back sarcastically at Blitzo, “Yeah, that’s fuckin’ right!” Giving him one last glare, she slammed the door on him. Blitzo smiled and crossed “Southern Bitch” off his apology list.

0 0 0

His list read, “Moxxie?” “Southern Bitch,” “Annoying Kid,” “Guy I Ran Over,” “Hot Bouncer,” “Shitty Agents,” “Angel Sheep,” “Stolas?” and, of course, “Verosika Bitch.”

A baby carriage rolled over to the Loo-Loo Land apple mascot, Loo-Loo who now sat homeless near a tent, surrounded by the destroyed theme park. A small fire was lit in a metal tin can in front of him with an apple design on it. Blitzo popped out from the carriage and slapped a gift basket of Swiss cheese, hot sauce and a “sorry” note into the mascot’s eye. Blitzo smiled and wheeled away, the mascot sitting dejectedly. Robo Fizz’s glowing eyes and grin appeared menacingly in the darkness.

Blitzo tossed another gift basket through a portal and it landed in a room full of the gruesome remains of the fallen agents.

Blitzo stepped through the portal to the Lust Ring and stood on an incubus he knocked to the ground. With a bow, he presented the pink incubus bouncer a bouquet of white flowers with eyes on them. The bouncer stood perplexed with the flowers in his hands.

At the Hollys movie awards on Earth, Blitzo dressed as a blonde princess in a light blue dress with a crown and bowed on stage. Black and white photos of the movie director and the “Sweetie I’m In The House” actor appeared on a large screen with “In Memorium” in white letters.

The D.H.O.R.K.S agents sat bored in their headquarters. Agent Two was slumped over and Agent One absentmindedly pressed a green button at the controls. Through the pink diamond portal, Blitzo placed a “sowy” note on their desk with a sad face and a drawing of a horse on it. He smiled and snapped both his fingers at them. The agents, perplexed at first, soon yelled and tried to grab him, but the portal closed. Red lights flashed as the agents, a taller blonde agent, and one of the priest clones aimed their guns at the note. “Demon sighting, do not cross” police tape was hung every which way. The cherubs, wounded from battle, also hovered by the agents. Blitzo tapped Cletus on his back with a finger and handed him a note through the portal. As Blitzo vanished, Cletus red his scribbled note: “Cherub” followed inside by “Fuck you guys! Sorry not sorry!” with a Blitzo drawing giving them middle fingers. Cletus glared in response.

0 0 0

Blitzo briefly opened up the invitation again before closing it and putting his hands on the steering wheel.

“Alright, and now onto the exes.” He pulled down the clutch and straightened up the overhead mirror, revealing his worried eyes. “Who are aaall in one place.” He sighed. “Yay.”

He rubbed the yellow Asmodean crystal on his left wrist and pink diamonds of energy appeared. A pink diamond portal shimmered to life and the I.M.P. van roared through it, tumbling to a stop and crushing a jack-o-lantern with a witches’ hat to green goo.

Over a green forest in the background, the sky was dark blue and slightly teal, dotted with stars and a full moon. Trick-or-treaters were out in a variety of costumes near decorated houses. One house had a fake dead body cutout with two nearby cones that were put on display on a lower slanted roof. The windows of the houses were decorated with spiderwebs and smiling jack-o-lanterns glowed in the night. Strings of lights blinked from the houses and toilet paper hanging on trees swayed in the wind. An RIP headstone was propped up on one lawn. A noose hung from another house.

Blitzo’s van came to a stop, startling a kid in a white clown costume and another kid holding a bottle and wearing a red devil mask with an upside-down black cross on the forehead. His regular face revealed slightly dark skin and short black hair. He had fake fangs in his mouth.

Blitzo rolled down his window as the kid with the devil mask approached. “Hey buddy, you know where 666 South Maple Avenue might be?”

The kid grinned and pointed. “Down that way, demon dude! Sick costume, bruh.” He waved a fist and spun a finger in approval. He then glanced as an elderly man approached. He wore yellow glasses, a spiky collar, black and white underwear and thin black straps. He put a hand on the kid and looked at Blitzo.

“Hey, Happy Halloween!” The grandpa then pointed. “Oh, looks like you missed some makeup there.”

Blitzo spoke sarcastically. “Thaaanks. It’s my face.”

Blitzo drove by a house decorated with a bloodied scythe, a witches’ broom, drinks on a bale of hay, a giant spider, a standing ghost, and a wizard hat on the roof.

0 0 0

“YOU’RE INVITED!!” “Has Blitzo broken your fucking heart? Do you desire revenge and Halloween fun? Come on over to our Halloween party in the human world (located at 666 South Maple Avenue) for closure and to indulge in our shared hatred for that miserable fuckboy. Enjoy Blitzo body cake, Beelzejuice drinks, music and fun! Also featuring yours truly in concert! Hope to see you there. Verosika Mayday.”

Verosika handed out invitations to her anti-Blitzo party. Incubi and succubi flew off through the Lust Ring, handing out the invites or posting them online for more demons to see. Several succubi and incubi grinned with excitement and started to plan their Halloween costumes.

“I’m so gonna be a mermaid this year!”

“I’m thinking…high school cheerleader!”

“Haha! Witch, please!”

“How about…an angel. The goofy kind, not, you know…”

“That’s a great idea! There’s a spider shopkeeper that sells great sex toys, I bet he could weave up some outfits for us!”

“Me and my brother will make the Blitzo voodoo dolls! My mom’s side of the family comes from Envy.”

“You wanna come with us, too?”

“Nah. I much prefer Hell’s Halloween tradition of surprise-attacking the weaker ones and trick-or-treating for hearts and guts!”