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Chapter Text

“My diagnosis is killing papa, isn't it, Daddy?“

Ian looked down at his daughter lying in his arms on the couch with a slight fever and obvious pain. He kissed her forehead, knowing his husband's absence was confusing, and tried to explain Mickey's behavior to her.

"Oh, my Lily girl, no. You’re not killing Papa. He’s just panicking. He loves you more than anything.” He watched her usual calm blues churn and peak like a North Atlantic storm. Their girl was trying to be brave while they all fell down around her. But no more.

Ian was done. His daughter needed them, and they were both consumed by what ifs and not what now. They could reel in the dismay when she was asleep; right now they both needed to remember Lily took her cues from them. Time for he and Mickey to nut up, as Debs would say.

“You're just covering for him. He barely talks, and when he does, he won't look at me. Half the time, he stays out and comes home drunk. He was done taking care of everyone. I did that. This is my fault.“ Lily sniffled into the old afgan Ian had pulled up over her.

Ian had always been the more laid-back parent, yet he knew when to be more firm in the way Lily responded. “Lily, your papa loves you; he is just struggling. It's not okay, and it's not an excuse. You and Liam are his life. He will do the right thing; he always does. Now, baby, I need you to lay down and rest. You take your meds?”

She sat up and cocked her brow like Mickey, but hers was vibrant orange.

“You take yours?“ She challenged. 

He did a patented Lily Gazer Gallagher eye roll. “Look, bossy pants, I did. So, how about I grab us some Gatorades and you lay with me? We can watch TV in mine and Papa's room until we crash.”

Lily grinned a real grin for the first time in weeks and headed down the hall in her sloth pajamas, making her look younger than her 15 years.

Ian went into the dark kitchen, opened the fridge, and grabbed two drinks. Closing the door, he put his hand on the door to let out the sob he choked on all night and to steady himself. His palm felt the magnets that no doubt were arranged by Lily to spell something obnoxious.

In a tight voice, he asked. ”You've been in here long enough to catch all of that, Mick?.”

In the darkness, a small drunken voice slurred, “Yeah, I did. Ian–”

He was cut off. “She's not dead yet, Mick, but she's damn well not going to fight with us all acting like weak ass bitches. You have an appointment with Heather at 11 a.m. tomorrow. You don't have a plan after that; you can stay at Carl’s or Iggy’s while she is in treatment. It is terrifying, babe. I am right there with you, but imagine what she is going through. She needs both of us.”

He walked past Mickey and squeezed his shoulder.

“Sleep it off in one of the kids rooms. Night, Mick.”

And like that, Mickey was left head-in-hand in darkness.

He sat like that in the kitchen for god knows how long—in the cool, inky darkness and with the hum of the fridge. He finally got up, guzzled water, and showered. Grabbing Ian's sweats from the laundry, he stumbled by his and Ian's room.

The glow from the TV and lowered sound proved that Lily had talked her father into watching YouTube videos. Ian was spread out in his starfish pose, his default if he wasn’t being an octopus squeezing the love out of Mickey.

Ian was pissed; Mickey knew it was deserved. With one doctor's visit, all the emotional growth he had made these past 15 years stopped. Three weeks ago felt like a lifetime.

***
three weeks ago

Mickey opened the front door, stamping snow off his boots and cursing at the dogs who had gone out in said snow willingly, and then flung snow over his hardwood foyer. He was cold; his years of using his fists gave him wicked arthritis in his hands. But Ian, just off a low, was out getting the deep dish that he was craving. Mickey did not want Ian to slip, so he shoveled and salted the walkway. Ian was fresh out of bed, and Mickey did not want another downtime due to injury. He loved his still hottie ginger, and he loved the Genos deep dish coming home with his husband as well.

He hung up his jacket and shooed Bazooka out of his way to use the dog towels to mop up the floor. Shit, he was getting old, 42, and bitching about the cold like a little old man. But a man with a damn good life. Ian, his passion for the first half of his life and his husband for the rest of it. 

He had to admit they created a good life for themselves. They remodeled the house with help from the family. Worked through a lot of shit, trauma, illness, hurts, and heartbreak. Mickey shocked them both when Mandy came to them pregnant, and he told Ian he was ready to try this parenting gig. Fourteen plus years ago, they were gifted with Lily. Eleven years ago, they adopted Liam. And every night since 17, together or not, his heart belonged to Ian.

He padded towards the kitchen. Ian said Lily was studying. Which she was partially doing. She had Uncle Carl's police academy hoodie and Uncle Iggy's worn-out megadeth sweats, which dragged a good two inches even after she rolled them at the ankles. Because she enjoyed making his eye twitch, she was on her favorite studying perch ever, cross-legged in the center of the kitchen table, books spread around. His brow went higher as she was talking, not studying. This had been an ongoing issue for weeks. Ian said she maybe finally hit the stubborn, surly teen phase, but it was messing with Mickey. He was frustrated with her more than normal. True, even as he aged, change had not gotten easier for him. She just seemed to be pushing back on them more and more.

Terry had been a psychotic, abusive prick. Mickey prided himself on having none of those traits. Some days, Mickey would sit in his brown, overstuffed recliner, feeling like an ass because he yelled at her. Never laid a hand on her or Liam.Not even when she ran away at 13 or Liam called from the park after taking'shrooms.' 

Not that Terry was even parental enough to care about things like that. He just strived to make sure both fear and blind obedience ruled his house. Once, after being grounded for a week, she asked him, what was the longest time he had been grounded as a kid? He remembers looking at her big blue eyes, the color like his and Mandy's, but the round owl eyes, well, like looking at his mom.

She knew about Terry; sadly, because of a run-in with Svet, she knew about the rape. But she was a loved kid, and part of her thought Terry was a regular dad, at least a small part of the time.

“Yeah, punk, Terry was more just about hitting than grounding.” She hugged him hard after that.

He did not say too much about Terry but often thought back to his childhood as a how not to parent guide. Terry never made Mickey try a vegetable. The fucker could care less if the kids had daily meals. His whole childhood was drugs, drunks, guns, and his father beating him with his belt or fists. No, his kids would never see or feel that, thank God.

Mickey did, however, pride himself on being firm. His kids rocked, and his kids had rules. Ian and him had decided together the rules for the kids, but Mickey, in his personality, jumped in, often playing the enforcer. But he was also a softie for his family. Ian, the kids, fuck even the two old pitbulls knew how to make him melt. But the family also knew he was all business about Ian's medications, the kids' school, and now drawing hard lines with their youngest. 

He stood in front of her and watched pointedly at her phone until she said goodbye and hung up. Wordlessly, he held out his hand, and she slapped it in his hand.

“You get this back in the morning, punk. You study, then  catch up with whoever. Next time Daddy or I have to remind you, Papa gets this for a week.” He shook her phone at her, slipping it into his shirt pocket. Then he reached up and tousled her hair. "Also, this house has three desks, one of which is in your room; any reason your ass is on the table.“

Lily schoched her backside down the end of the table and hopped down and sighed so much like her aunt that Mickey felt transported back in time. Him and Mandy fighting over a soda, over Ian. 

“Daddy said do my schoolwork where he could see me." She shrugged, putting her backpack on the side table.

“ Really? My husband, Mr. Study Smart, told you to come out here. Why, Little Miss?”

She was quieter as she turned to get plates to set the table. 

"He held off watching Top Model to watch it with me. Then I was supposed to work on homework, but I was talking to cousin Freddie.”

“Who also is not supposed to be on his phone until homework is done? Does Liam do this crap? Young lady, I am getting tired of you ignoring what Daddy or I tell you.”

Her bright blues burned into his, then a heavy, dramatic sigh. ”Papa, it's Liam; he just tells me to call after I do my homework. He is a stickler like you.”

Mickey rocked on his heels and twiddled his fingers. “Excellent, excellent. I have one Gallagher minion, bw wa ha.“

He leaned in, trying to tickle her neck as she swatted at him. They heard a strangled laugh, and Ian was coming through the door to the kitchen, two pizzas, and almost slipping on his stocking feet. His last low was only three day long and he willingly had some small amounts of food. To see him up and focused, tight jeans and a Notre Dame hoodie. Mickey smiled. Ian was still a handsome bastard who did not look forty, save a few wrinkles around his eyes and the fading of freckles.

Lily pushed off Mickey and hurled herself at Ian. "Hi, Daddy.” She buried her head on his shoulder as he hugged her, then pulled away, cupped her face, and kissed her nose. “Papa nabbed your phone huh?” 

She nodded while he held her head and kissed her. ”Sorry, Lily Girl, we have rules for a reason.” 

She pushed away. “Fiiiiiine.” She blew a curl out of her eye and braced herself for the lecture. Daddy placed the pizza on the table. Both her dads sat at opposite heads of the table, Daddy dishing up salads and Papa going directly for the pizza, ignoring the salad Lily passed to him. 

Ian looked at Lily. “It's not fine. Lils, we have a deal about school work, and you have just been ignoring it. Not sure where the heads  at , but it has not been in a space where you are paying attention to house rules.”

Mickey watched their daughter stay silent but roll her eyes, which drove Mickey up the wall. His kids were allowed to have their own tastes and opinions; he was proud of that. But much to the families surprise and Lips amusement, cocky trash talking teen Mickey Milkovich had a pet peeve of his kids talking back, eye rolls included in that. 

He rapped the table with his faded u-up knuckle. "Lily, you do not roll your eyes at Daddy when he is talking to you. I can get eye tape; tape um closed til you can stop.” To outsiders, this might sound threatening, but Lily was used to her papa’s bluster. She put her pizza down and looked at Ian. ”Sorry, Daddy.” Then she faced off with Mickey and sighed. "Papa, you can't tape my eyes shut; last week you got pissed trying to wrap that present for Aunt Mandy and took the meat mallet to the roll when you could not get it started, so there's that.” She shrugged 

Both Mickey and Ian noted that Lily was picking at her dinner. She was an active kid and ate very well at meals.Lately though she was, just moving food on the plate. She ate half her pizza and a bite or two of salad.

“May I be excused?”

Ian frowned at her still full plate.They were trying something new, having her put her plate up to eat later. Sometimes it worked, but often it was him and Mickey after she was asleep and after sex, using her leftovers as a midnight snack. 

"Lily, you didn't eat much; put that in the fridge; do not feed the two furry beasts. You get hungry; eat it later, please. Yeah, go finish your homework. You get on that tablet, and I will take it, and you can come to the office after school for a week. Sandy can most certainly keep you busy.” 

She jutted her chin up but did not argue.

Lily did as told except for tossing each dog a crouton. When Ian heard her bedroom door, he looked at Mickey.

"Do you think her schedule is too much? She does not eat when she is stressed. And her attitude is starting to get big. She pitched such a fit about having to do her homework in the kitchen, I longed for the days to just send her to time out.”

Mickey grabbed his third piece of pizza and burped. “I mean, yeah, let's watch her a bit more this week. She is doing that piano and choir, plus is in the cheer gym three times a week. She seems happy, and man, we all know if she's not. Maybe make a doctor's appointment, unless it's her, you,.. Her.” 

Ian smiled at his husband. “Period, Mick. She is old enough, and that is part of her life now.”

Mickey rubs his palms over his face. ”Man,, it just makes me feel ancient. Fuck, it used to be me going to the store and hearing, ‘Papa, please bring me back candy.‘ Now it's, 'Papa, can you bring me candy and tampons’?". Fucking former king of the southside comparing boxes in the feminine shit aisle.”

Ian smiled indulgently at his husband. “And you buy her both like a champ. King of all girl dads.”

They had just finished with dishes when Liam called from Notre Dame.

The trio caught up and talked about the holiday dinner being hosted by Debbie and Sandy. They were getting ready to hang up when Liam looked at them both, his eyes a bit serious.

“Dad, Pops, she is going to be pissed at me, but I think Lily needs a checkup. I think she is getting super anemic. I mean, I know Aunt Mandy was a lot when younger. Last few times we talked, she said she was really tired, and she had a fever a few times for no reason. Plus that bruise is slow healing—that one from 3 weeks ago from the stunt fall. I made her show Sascha, and it is still really new-looking. I mean, I know it's easier to take a coked-out badger or pops to the doctor than Lily. I think she is keeping this from you for that reason. Tell her I am sorry and to not mess with my room. Love you both, bye.”

As soon as they hung up, Mickey was on the move, despite Ian trying to calm him down. Since birth, Mickey has had severe anxiety over Lily somehow being hurt. Even with therapy, certain things triggered him. Lily running away at 13 was the last time Ian saw this level of panic. Mickey had aged and mellowed, but panic still made him lash out.

He reached Lily’s door to hear Mickey bellow. “Lily Gazer Gallagher, I can't even right now. You overdoing it, running yourself the fuck down, keeping that from me and Daddy.”

“I can't believe Liam snitched.“ She huffed angrily.

Ian took a deep breath, preparing for what he was walking into. Since a toddler, Lily could melt Mickey and get her way with him easier than Ian. She would often push Ian if she did not want to listen, but most of the time she obeyed Mickey immediately. But since age 2, they would go Milkovich on each other, neither wanting to bend. Ian knew this was happening now, five feet away from him. 

The battle of his blue eyes.

Starting into the room, Ian saw Mickey was standing under the twinkle lights in Lily's yellow room, with one wall still having the large flowers Mickey painted in her nursery. Mickey was standing, arms folded, while Lily was crossed legged on the bed, glaring.

Ian knew she was as angry at being found out as Mickey was at being left in the dark. Lily hated the doctor; they had no idea, but it was one thing Lily never easily did. She even bit a dentist or two. He knew she felt that Liam ratted her out, but how she responded to Mickey was a tone that shocked Ian.

“I didn't tell you because it's no big deal. I didn't tell you because I have it handled. You act like I am still five. I don't need a fucking doctor.“ She flopped over on her bed and stared at the ceiling. 

'Mickey's face was scarlet, and Ian felt this was the best time to jump in.

“Lily, you will not speak to Papa or I that way. You are going to the doctor; you are getting a checkup. You will start eating your dinner and for awhile lights out at 9:30.”

“Daddy, thats dumb.“ 

“Fine, it's dumb, but now your butt is in bed 9. Also, you will go to the doctor and do as you are told, or you can take a break from cheer. You understand?”

The baby blues went gray, and she pouted. Mickey shook her foot nestled in sock monkey slippers.

“Daddy’s waiting for an answer.”

“Yes, daddy, I understand.” 

Lily then rolled and faced the wall.

In the hall, Mickey looked at Ian and said, "It's like dealing with a pissed-off teen Mandy; holy hell, the flashbacks to my sister are terrifying, although it is hot when you take charge.”

Ian leaned in close. ”You wanna Netflix and chill.”

Mickey stood on his toes to kiss his husband's lips, “Of course.”

At nine, they checked on Lily, who was fast asleep despite her fuss earlier. Curled almost into a ball under her rainbow of different blankets. They smiled and turned off her light.

Ian called the pediatrician in the morning, and two days later, their daughter went grumpily but willingly to her appointment. The doctor listened and thought it was anemia, as Lily had struggled with it before.

They took the standard blood work and told Ian they would call in the iron supplements.

It was supposed to just be routine bloodwork.

What it was was a spiral of unknowns that Ian and he had never faced .

Their daughter was not okay.

Lily had cancer.

Chapter Text

Lily whimpered and curled up tightly, stealing the covers off Ian.

That whimper pulled Mickey out of his thoughts. He was stealth, tucking the covers around her, giving her a kiss on the cheek.God, he was fucking this all up. His head was twisted, and he was drowning. When Ian had an episode or Liam a migraine, Mickey knew what to do. He was unsettled and unsure. He went out of his room, grabbed the bottle of Jack, and teetered to Liam’s room.

Usually for the past several weeks the alcohol numbed until he had no thoughts, no fears of the monster inside their baby. But Lily’s words tonight were like getting doused with glacial water. He wept as the whiskey and events of the past three weeks took over.

She was just supposed to be worn out.

***

Fuck Cancer.

Mickey and Ian both expected to hear that she had just been rundown and even joked that maybe she had mono, which caused Mickey to have a long, crazy dialogue about how she best not be kissing boys because she was too young.

They were shocked to see Lily was hiding weight loss with baggy clothes. She had lost nine pounds, which for her frame made her too thin. 

After the first set of tests, the doctors asked for another and another, and then Lily was sent for a scan.

Ian, former EMT, was taking copious notes, and Mickey was somewhat in a daze, at least in his heart. He was in the dark because he did not think that anything bad could happen to their baby; he didn't know anything that could be fatal at so young, and Lily was healthy.

Lily was his heart, and he couldn't live without her, so he thought these tests were just standard; even though Ian was preparing him for something, he could see it in Ian's troubled eyes. They opted to meet with the doctors to hear the test results before they brought Lily in with them. 

They sat in the pediatric oncology office, and Mickey first heard words like survival rate, Hodgkins, tumor, B-set, and chemotherapy. He walked out of the doctor's office, and his body simply shut down. His brain had stopped processing, and he was forgetting to breathe.

He looked at Ian and whispered, “Lily is our life. What does this mean? She is going to be OK; she has to be OK. I can't. I love her. I love you. I love Liam. I can't, I can't. I can't watch our baby.” 

Ian pulled Mickey close to touch but did not overcrowd. Mickey spent several minutes matching Ian’s breath until the panic attack ceased. Mickey looked up, seeing Ian’s eyes looking like shattered green glass, cracks, and chips of emotion.

"Mick, we have to take her back to the doctor in two days and meet with the care team. We are over to the children’s hospital. It's the best one, and it's a teaching hospital. They have a lock on advancements for treatments. All the brightest and best will be taking care of Lily, but Mickey,  she has cancer. I don't want to believe it; none of us want  deal with it. We have to deal with it for Lily.”

Once in the truck, they clung to each other as heartbreak and sobs filled the cab of the truck.

Mickey finally looked at his husband. “What now?”

Ian’s hands shook. "Look, baby, I can feel the voices pushing. While Lily is in school, I need to take my med and sleep. Yes, I made a psychiatrist appointment to make sure I stay as level as I can. Everyone is coming for dinner, and we talk to Lily. We are going to need the families help Mick and Lily needs to feel secure as we move ahead. We protect her at all  costs.“ Ian pulled Mickey in for another hug.

Back at home, Ian slept, and Mickey stayed frozen by his side. Finally he got up and started dinner—lamb stew, one of Lily’s favorites. He wanted to go pick her up from school, but the doctor recommended her regular routine for this last while, minus cheer gym.

He watched her come home that day, quiet and not hungry. She scooted out of the kitchen. He found her curled up in bed with her earbuds on.

That night the whole family was joining for dinner. The adults and Liam already had heard the diagnosis and were coming to support Lily and figure out what the family could do during her treatments. Mandy had to take a few minutes before dinner to gather her thoughts. She had always been happy being Lily’s aunt. She never felt like Lily’s mom.

Until now.

Now the child she birthed, Mandy, could outlive. Lily their pretty girl. How did they get here? She was aware of Lip leaning against the rail of the porch where she was leaning. It was freezing, but both she and Lip forgot their jackets. Lip blew a ring of smoke up to the sky.

Mandy watched him. “Maybe it is a good time for all the smokers in the family to quit.”

Lip looked at his cigarette and crushed it out. “Mandy, I know this is messing us all up. You, Ian and Mickey, though, how are things holding for you?”

She sighed. ”Well, Ian is a walking shell who I am terrified is going to ignore his mental health. Mickey has that shattered, going to implode look in his eyes. That is not going to end well. And baby girl, my baby girl, their baby girl, she is going to need so much.” Mandy began to break down.

”I can’t imagine this life without her Lip. Jesus, after all the scary, messed up shit Gallagher’s and Milkovich’s have had, this is worse. If I could trade places, in a heartbeat, Lip.”

Lip grabbed Mandy and held her as she sobbed. Over the years, she and Lip had found a truce over their turbulent dating history in their youth. Even Tami and Mandy were friendly. Lip, still worried about Mandy, never stopped. She had gotten out though. Besides working in the sex industry, Mandy went to school and became a real estate investor. The ghost of Terry did not haunt her anymore, and Lip was thrilled to see the woman she had become.

"Ok, Ok Mands, we are both set to freeze out here. Let’s go in; we got Lily; we got you and Ian and Mickey.”

***

As everyone took turns at the stove dishing up stew, Ian stood next to Lily and bumped her shoulder.

”Baby girl, Papa spent all afternoon on this. It’s your favorite; a few more bites, yeah.”

If their circumstances were different, Ian would be adoringly grinning at the bobbling bottom lip with the same exact chapped spot as her papa. They both pouted and chewed their lips in the exact same spot.

”Daddy, I am not super hungry; I ate almost all my lunch.”

”So, if I check your lunch bag, it’s almost empty.” He pulled her in for a kiss and took her bowl.

She elbowed his side and smiled wanly. “Oh my God, fine. One more carrot and one, Daddy, one potato.”

He obliged, “You just made Papas night.”

She just grimaced and grabbed a biscuit and sat at the folding table with Frankie, Liam, and Freddy.

”If you need me to finish anything to keep the dads from freaking out, pass it to me.” Liam tipped her spoon at Lily.

***

Liam spent his first five years in the chaos of the Gallagher house. Fi and his siblings looked after him and kept him away from the scams and things they had to do to survive. He loved them all, but Ian was his favorite. His brother wore his heart on his sleeve and worked hard to help provide. He really never understood bipolar as a child, just glimpses of Ian being in bed and being gone. Prison. But to Liam, it seemed like Mickey was always there. 

After they married, Ian and Mickey let him hang out at their place whenever he wanted. He was fascinated by Lily since she was born. It was a seamless blend, her and her daddy and papa. Then the pair began to talk to him about adoption. Lip and Tammi were great, but Lips drinking made that feeling of insecurity blanket the house. Ian and Mickey were the stability Liam craved. Frank would be his father forever. Mickey became Pops and Ian, dad. They were dads. They let him be a kid and encouraged him. Heat, food, school bills—he stopped laying in bed at night, stomach hurting, hoping that these things would be taken care of.

And then Lily. He fell in love with his little sister, whom he admits hero worshiped him from day one. Going from being the youngest to having a little sister was cooler than he imagined. Her sweet “brother“ was how she normally addressed him and the high-pitched screech of “LIIIIIAAAM” when she was upset or feeling bossy. He wanted to protect her, which was easy in the dad’s house. Their dads were ex-cons, tattooed gay men who both had mental health challenges. Yet he never felt safer.

Dad and Pop protected them with a fierceness that warmed Liam to his core. There were routines and expectations, consequences. They were the most stable of the family, having both walked through fire to be the people they were. As Liam thrived, so did Lily. Lily would never be left alone with a bag of coke or shuffled from house to house. He and the dads would never leave Lily, like Fiona did to him. Finally last year he started therapy, his doctor saying Liam repressing feelings was not healthy; it did not help his chronic migraines at all.

But the days he would come home from therapy, keyed up and exhausted, his baby sister would drag him to watch a movie, show him 8 million tik-toks, and just let him process. They shared fears when Dad would have an episode and commiserated when Pops had periods of insomnia. As siblings, they made a good pair. They were tight. Now Lily was ill, and to get better, the treatment was brutal, even more for a 15-year-old's body. Lily had forgiven him for telling the dads about her health.Now she just clung to him, needing his calm demeanor. He was worried about the discussion after dinner.

Lily knew something was really off.

Liam promised her he would be right here the whole time.

Because Gallagher siblings had each other's backs, period.

***

Mickey was standing by the sink when Lily brought her bowl in. He looked in, pleased there was very little left. She touched his arm.

”It was really good, papa.” Mickey flushed and pulled her in to kiss her head.

His face then went somber. “Let’s go sit in the living room with everyone; we need to talk about all this. It’s hard punk, but we will figure it all out.”

Lily went and sat between Daddy and Papa. The thoughts creeping in and tearing her normally confident self. She knew she had cancer, from all the tests and the oncologist. 

Her body was worn out; she was running fevers, had night sweats, and could barely eat.

Lily was frozen.

Lily was a happy, stoic teen with a wild streak that came out in all the weirdness time. She had plans. Co-captain on the 4th cheer squad, early graduation, following in Liam’s footsteps at Notre Dame. Learn guitar with Daddy; wear Papa down to get her nose pierced. And now she felt like instead of the fuzzy love she craved from the family, there was a red light flashing above her head. 

Warning: DAMAGED TEEN APPROACH WITH PITY.

Lily’s future plans dissolved right in front of her in just a matter of seconds.Her directions in life became all muddled up, making all plans feel out of reach. Despite the love heaped on her, she was lost and disoriented; it felt like her life had been put on hold. What had to happen was going to make her Lily, the kid with cancer. She wanted to run, but after her running away at 13, she promised Daddy and Papa she wouldn’t ever again. She leaned into Daddy and just waited to be handed the new shitshow that would be her life.

Daddy was ruffling her hair, and Papa had her hand in his. She wanted to hide until she looked at Uncle Iggy, who just mocked, saluted, and mouthed, "I love you, girl.”

Daddy took it slow, making sure he explained what was happening. Lily had a cancer called Hodgkin lymphoma. The care team at the children’s hospital had created a care plan based on responses to medication. The first step would be the surgery to remove the tumor, and while under, they would put in her chest port. After that, Lily would be receiving a combination of chemotherapy and radiation every two weeks for seven months. Everyone loved her, and the whole family would be there, every step.

Lily stiffened and pushed Daddy a way, she ran as far as she could right now, to her room. She threw herself on the bed and grabbed sneaky bastard. This is not fair. She didn’t want surgery or chemo. She wanted to go to the winter cheeroff and have a sleepover with her friends. Now it was the stupid hospital. 

The whole family took turns knocking on her door, and she asked to be alone. There were “I love you" through her door several times over. When she heard Uncle Iggy tell Daddy he would be by to check in the morning, the damn broke.

Hot tears began to fall until she was choking. Normally she would seek out Papa or Daddy, but she needed to not feel their panic.

***

Mickey, Ian, and Liam sat chatting about getting the house prepped for some of Lily’s potential needs when they heard it .

” Brother”

Liam got up and went in, and he felt her sobbing, and he sat down on the bed and pulled his baby sister into his arms, and he let her just cry. She cried herself to sleep. He tucked her in and looked at his dad standing in the doorway.

“Dads, this can’t be real. I mean, what the hell did my sister ever do to get cancer.?” Liam raged.

***

Mickey suddenly was transported back in time to the Alibi, his pregnant, hooker wife bitching about Ian and how cold the rub and tug was. Mickey was a different guy back then. Terry’s views of women were still buried deep in him back then. Also, being cruel to Svet and the prostitutes felt like a way to balance the scales of his then-shitty life. He had just told the ladies to stay naked, and if their tits froze off, so be it.

Svet leveled her with that fiery gaze and spat at him.

”We are lucky; we have a son. The sins of a father would destroy a daughter.” 

Sins of the Father. This was his fault—payback for his youth and his daughter's sacrifice. He hated himself. All progress he made in his life seemed to stop. He did this. Lily was sick because of every gay guy Terry forced him to bash, the women at the rub and tug, the women Terry paid for and had his sons help degrade. If he stayed away, maybe the universe would not torture his girl. So after the family talk with Lily, he stopped engaging.

***

Mickey went to work. Mickey came home and ate dinner. He would smile indulgently at her and then leave, stumbling home at two or three in the morning dead ass drunk, one night high on Coke. Iggy, Ian, and Lip tried to talk to him. He ignored it. Lily tried to talk to him, have him stay home, and give her attention, but his fear kept her at arms length. 

At first it was Lily, silent eyes, pleading with him, but then she just switched off, choosing to meet his silence with silence. Ian tried to do everything he could to get through to his obviously panicking husband to make him remember that they were not scared kids anymore; they would make it through. 

So when he snuck home that night, unhappily drunk, cursing his father, cursing Svet, cursing so many things, he was not prepared to hear the sadness in the raw emotion motion in Lily's voice of asking Ian if she was killing her father by being sick. His heart began to seize as Ian reassured their little girl. Ian sent  her to lay down, then confronted Mickey in the darkness of the kitchen, reminding him that Lily was not dead yet and that he was acting like she was. Ian laid down the law; they all had to pull their heads out of their asses and make Lily feel like she was supported in her fight.

God, he fucked it up. Suddenly his body decided to sober him up, quickly. He barely made it to the hall bathroom as he began to vomit and shit himself, alcohol and fear surging out of his body. He cleaned up, banging his foot into the washer and stumbling in the shower. He managed to pull on boxers he found in the laundry.

He kneeled, all the bile and booze leaving him. He was shivering and hunched over the toilet alone with nausea and guilt.

”Jeez Papa, maybe puke with your drinking buddies next time.” He felt Lily drape his robe over his shoulders. Her soft padding footsteps were turning to leave. She thought he was passed out, not just mortified that his sick child was playing caretaker.

”Just because I am not letting you freeze to death does not mean I am still really mad at you.” Then softer, “I love you, Papa, I miss you.”

As he lost consciousness, he slurred into the cold room, “Punk, gonna do better." I love you; give me another chance.”

***

The next morning Mickey woke around 10 and stumbled out of the bathroom. Sunlight was like needles behind his eyes and in his head. The house was quiet. He heard Ian in the living room mumbling to the dogs. Ian was sitting on the couch with the dogs, looking sleepy himself. Mickey knew this was because he had taken an extra med to make sure he was getting the sleep. Triggers were all around Ian, and he was doing everything in his power to stay level. But Mickey saw the small signs of a low and knew the family would experience both Ian and Lily down. Ian was adamant. If he had a high or low, Mickey, Mandy, and Liam focused on Lily. No exceptions. Ian’s brothers and Debs would help him. 

Ian, the creator of plans and routines. Mickey adored that about him.

And here he was, an asshole, coming home drunk and wreaking of alcohol, creating chaos in their family. That was stopping today. 

He tentatively walked over to the couch and stood in front of Ian, who gave him a tired smile, pulled him down on his lap, and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

”I think you’re too old to sleep hugging the toilet, Mick. Lily told me to make sure you were not hyperthermic.” Ian rubbed Mickey's temples.

”Impressed she did not give me a swirly; I deserve it—a lot worse, if honest. Where is she?”

“Liam Freddie and Frankie took her out for breakfast, and yes, they are just getting the food to go and going to Lips. And yes, they have their masks, and yes, they have their hand sanitizer. I thought no one needed to be here for our conversation, and I thought you’d agree.”

Mickey could not meet his husband’s concerned gaze. This was worse than planned, trying to explain this to Ian. Ian just held him and waited for Mickey to find his words.

He leaned into Ian’s warmth, even though at that moment he felt unworthy.

”Aye, I have been a prick. I know I've been a prick. I don't know what's going on with me, man. It's like this fear is turning me back into that angry guy. I was when we first got together. Like all the shit I did somehow is stacking against Lily. It’s not rational; I get it. But maybe you are all safer without me.” Mickey dropped his head.

Ian cupped Mickey's face, and finally Mickey looked up. Ian’s eyes were glowing, wet with tears but not angry. It was concern—a deep concern. Normally, Ian’s concern spurred Mickey to action. Right now though he looked to Ian for guidance.

“I love you, Mick. I love you so much, and I love our daughter. But the rule is you are not going to make this worse for her. No one is. I need you. Lily needs you. We all need you right now. We all need Papa to be Papa. Baby, you can be scared, you can be angry, and you can be hurt. I need you to do it in a healthy way. I need you to process with me or Dr. Heather. Most of all, Lily needs shelter from the storm; you have always been her shelter. You've always been her protector. You have always been all-encompassing love to her, and she's confused, and she's pissed at you. She is so damn pissed at you. You're going to have to do a lot of work, and you only got three days before surgery. I'm serious about this; today figure out a plan or move into Carl’s place.”

”Mmm, not leaving any of you. I am figuring this out today. I love you, Ian; my whole world is you and the kids. The last people who died around us were Terry and Frank. And then thinking of her in pain, I did my reading in this. To help our girl, she can have a shitton of side effects. I’m sorry, Ian, so fucking sorry. What if she never forgives me?” 

Mickey leaned into Ian, feeling Ian’s heartbeat as he cried on Red's shoulder. They sat like that until Mickey felt the large hand run through his hair.

” Mickey , there are so many things I don’t trust or believe in. You are not in those categories. I trust you and believe in you. You love this family and will figure it out. We all emotionally fall apart; just get back to us, ok .”

Mickey nodded into Ian’s neck, then got up and headed to his appointment.

***

Mickey sat in the waiting room, chewing his thumbnail until the door opened.

“ Mickey , come on back.”

Chapter Text

Heather followed Mickey into her office and watched him pace like a caged animal, with a stale scent of alcohol pouring from him. It had been 14 years since she had seen him this wrecked.

She sat and waited, and finally Mickey flopped in the plaid chair across from her. She smiled a concerned smile and said,

”I am so sorry to hear about Lily, Ian told me.”

The damn broke, and Mickey released an animalistic snarl, then a sob. 

“Fucking Aye, Heather. I told you when Mands had her, I told you. I was such a piece of shit. Hell, I even knew Ian was banging old guys back then and did nothing. Every crappy, violent thing, hurting my daughter, is how I am being punished, and it’s punishing Lily. I tried to stay away from her, but she is so sad. Sick and scared and now fucking sad because of me.”

” Mickey,”

”He’s coming for her; you said it would not happen; Ian said it would not happen, but here we are. Bastard .”

"Mickey, are you having the dreams again?”

He pounded on the sleek coffee table between them, panic flooding his whole body.

”No nonononono, not a dream, a warning. Terry is taunting me. Every time, I fall asleep, except she is not in her crib. She is in her room, and I can’t get past her door. She’s screaming for us, for Liam. And he is behind her. I can’t save her; he keeps showing me all my mistakes; I have to pay like he has. And he grabs her; I can’t; I can’t; her screaming for us over and over, and I can’t get past the door. And he takes her, and I don’t die, but I don’t live; I just stay stuck in that door listening to her scream until she is not screaming for me but at me.”

He can barely hear Heather as he hyperventilates. 

It goes dark.

***

When he wakes up, the wellness nurse is checking his vitals. He is cleared and given an orange juice and told to drink. Once she leaves, he sits straighter and looks at Heather.

"Well, it’s been 12 years since I did that in here; good times.”

Silence

”Whatta fuck do I do?”

”What did you do last time?” Heather questioned gently.

”I tried to reframe my goddamn thoughts and took meds. This is different, doctor; this is not a what if, baby in the crib, what’s in the vaccines, anxiety. My kid has cancer; in her, cancer. Terry was a goddamn cancer.”

” Mickey, think about what you just said and about your dream, then talk to me.” 

Mickey sat, and slowly the fog started lifting.

”Terry was cancer. He just destroyed and destroyed. Just toxic. I have been so afraid that our DNA is seeping Terry, my cancer, into my punk. But it’s not true. Lily has cancer because she does, not because of his rotting corpse.”

He exhaled for the first time in weeks.

”She’s gonna fucking hate me.“

” Mickey, close your eyes and just think about Lily. Take a few and tell me the theme of what you see.

Mickey closed his eyes and almost instantly began to smile. The first night, holding Mandy’s hand while Lily and him sat in Ian’s lap in the maternity ward rocker. Lily taking her first steps to get a cookie from Liam. Tea parties with Sneaky Bastard. Master tumblir. James Bond marathons with nachos.

”Happiness and love.“

”Lily loves you, yes, Mickey.”

His voice broke, thin and worn. ”Yeah, she does.“

”Is there anything Lily could do to make you not love her?”

”Don’t fuck around, Doc; you know the answer.”

Heather leaned in towards Mickey. ”Lily sounds hurt, confused, and angry, and rightly so. But in that all, do you believe that child would stop loving you?”

He shook his head, afraid of words at the moment.

”Then we need to come up with your plan, Mickey.”

He was shaking like a paint mixer the whole time, part from his drunken raves the past two weeks and part anxiety, but he trusted Heather to keep him on task.

Towards the end, he looked at her, his face that mask of tension and fear he thought he had lost years ago. “Heather, after all I’ve done, don’t get it. Why give us Lily?”

” Mickey, usually I have you come up with some cognitive-behavioral reframes, but today I am giving you one. The world did not give you Lily so she could be used to punish you. Maybe the world gave you Lily as a second chance. You love Lily this fiercely; what you do for her—maybe that’s how you are making it up to those women. By doing and being better.“

Mickey felt a wall of warmth flow through him; that felt right to him.

He made a new appointment after Lily’s surgery and headed home.

***

The house was quiet. Ian had his own therapy today and then was picking up ingredients to make chicken parm. He grinned. His bigger red head was playing dirty. Since age two, this has been Lily’s favorite meal. Certain restaurants she never looked at the menu. But Daddy’s, well, Daddy’s was her hands-down favorite. 

Mickey looked around their comfortable living room with family pictures and comfy seats. The house was sparkling clean, and it made him feel like shit. While he was in a bender, Ian had been shouldering the brunt of the house upkeep and Lilies needs.And while his husband had shoulders like Atlas, this stress without support could trigger something bigger in Ian. He had not really checked in with him and realized that now. That sick feeling almost made him retch and grab a beer, but there was no time to wallow. He needed to come back to his family.

He walked to the kitchen, dogs flanking him, hoping for treats. He emptied the dishwasher, cleaned the fridge, and then snagged the cleaning supplies. He deep cleaned the hall bathroom and then changed his and Ian’s bedding so his husband could get rest on clean, crisp sheets.

Then he showered, tears and booze stink swirling down the drain. He changed into Ian’s sweats and a big Henley. Then he sat in his chair, waiting. 

***

He heard her first. That laugh. It was a soundtrack to his happiness; it always first brought him to his mom. Those moments when she still laughed. Those notes of joy and wonder. Then Lily. The first time he heard her, it was after a nap, and he was walking the house with this tiny infant, cooing and pointing. He tickled her neck, and she let out this sound; it was all unrestrained, blissful, bright, and joyous. The notes were clear and bright. Mickey sighed, realizing he had not heard it in weeks.

She flounced in and was trying to catch Liam up as she always did. Liam going to college was hard on her at first. The first year was many tears, tantrums, and calls to her brother. So now when he was home, she needed to tell him everything. Which she was doing at the moment as Liam took off his coat and she dropped her jacket on the floor. Normally he and Ian would be in her for it, but today she was smiling.

Until she saw him. His heart crushed, but he understood. Liam came over and gave him a huge bear hug. Fuck Mickey was proud of his son. Liam was a strong, intelligent young man. 

“Hey Pop, I missed you. Can’t wait to catch up at dinner.” He leaned in and whispered, “We even got her double-chip pancakes, like two bites. Even worse than dad in a low.”

He stood up and looked at Lily. “Sis, I need to finish a paper today. If you need me, knock.“

She nodded, not looking at her papa. When Liam left, she finally looked up.

And Mickey wanted to curl up.

Lily had many Milkovich traits. She had Mickey's mannerisms, Mandy’s temper, and Iggy’s sense of humor. Her biological dad, Mandy’s long-term client, was an older version of Ian. She looked like a cross between the two men. And Mandy and Mickey thought she looked like a redheaded version of Laura.

But when she was angry, the blue smudged and faded to a battleship grey blue.

Terrys eyes.

That is what he was looking at now. 

Lily petted Bazooka and sneered. ”Tell Daddy, I will be in my room. If you’re gonna puke tonight, can you do it in the bar, or wait, or are you running to Mexico again?”

Mickey closed his eyes.

Mom, I don’t know what to do.

Yes, my love, you do.

Mickey for a split second felt Laura.

He opened his eyes.

"Lily, come here,” he coaxed gently. 

She shook her head.

“Please, Punk, please come to Papa.”

It was said so quietly that Lily felt the emotion rather than hearing the words. She moved a few steps but was out of reach. He patted the spot she normally snuck in when he sat there. She perched on the arm of the chair instead. He simply pulled her in, kid gloves on. She resisted, and that was ok; he got it.

He took his arm, pressing her to his shoulder, and his other arm reached across his body to place his hand on her face. She was stiff, but he just kept holding and started to rock. He started to hum Hey Jude, her nighttime song since birth. His eyes got teary; it was faint but there. Her hand on his shoulder, fingers almost needing like a kitten. She had been doing it since she was two.

He just kept holding her under easy pressure, giving her the ok to pull back if she needed. He heard the sniffle, then gathering speed, tears, and wails. Suddenly she was hysterical in his arms, him going to her being three and Ian in the hospital. She cried jagged, heartbroken tears, wanting Daddy. Three hours of holding and walking an incoherent toddler, suddenly now an incoherent teen. Mickey shifted her deeper into his side and just kissed her.

”Oh my punk, it’s ok; let it out; papa got you; not gonna fail you again.”

They sat like that until the tears slowed and then stalled. He played with her curls, marveling at how it mirrored Ian’s red as she got older. Mandy’s client could pass for Ian’s older brother, and it made Lily have features like her Daddy.

"Papa, is my hair going to fall out?”

He wanted to say hell no, but it was a probability.

“ Might. But look at it this way: no way are you allowed to dye your hair, so if it does happen, Aunt Tammi can get your hair in every color that normally would get you grounded.”

”If I do, no one in this family does the shave your head in solidarity; I mean it, Papa.”

”I will alert the family via group text, bossy girl.” 

“If I do die, you and Daddy gotta be okay; you can’t leave Liam alone.”

Fuck, his heart started trying to seize.

”Lily, it’s not happening that way." 

“Papa, I made Daddy promise, you have to too. I mean, I know it would be really bad, but you can’t leave Liam.” She cried a bit again.

Jeez, in what world does your teen daughter create death plans?

He cupped her face so she would look at him.

”Lily, if you leave us, Daddy and I will never be the same or okay again, either will Liam. But I promise you we will never leave Liam alone. Baby, right now let’s work on getting you better before we all drown in the what ifs, tried it . Look how shitty that turned out.”

Her eyes held his. ”Yeah, that did not work out so well. Papa, why did you do that?” The petite freckled face still wore hurt.

”Lily, you know some bad stuff about Terry and really bad stuff about him from Svetlana. When I was a kid, much younger than you, I was expected to do criminal shit with him and your uncles. I hurt a lot of innocent people, Punk. Wasn’t much of a choice—get beat or get beat really bad. You listened; you maybe just got punched and the belt. You messed up; it could be something like an electrical cord. He wasn’t a good man.“

”Is that why you have those scars on your back, Papa?” She started fiddling with his wedding band.

"Yeah, Lily, it is. But because I did so much heinous shit and learned it from him, I was afraid I would be a shitdad. Then Mands got pregnant with you. When we found out you were a girl, I lost my shit.I was sure all my bad stuff was gonna follow you. I kinda bolted too back then, so sure, if I stayed away, you would be better off. I wound up in the hospital, then I found Doctor Heather. So this time, well, I used to have fucked up dreams. Terry was trying to steal you out of your crib. Past few weeks it has been the same dream, but you bigger. Terry was a cancer, and I was afraid because of me…”

She sat up. ”Papa, you think you gave me cancer? It is not how it works. Papa, Terry can’t hurt me, or you, or Daddy and Liam. He was just a horrible man we were related to. And yeah, when I learned that stuff from Svetlana, I was hurt and ticked off. Daddy and you had a lot of bad stuff happen. Papa, you are not bad; maybe a big prick back then, but still not evil. You, I love you, ok?”

He wiped a tear. “My life, Lily, I love you with my life.”

***

Mandy bustled in the kitchen door and smiled at the taublu she saw past the doorway into the living room. Lily was chatting with Mickey, who had her tucked into him.

Mickey had always been willing to protect Mandy with his life. She knew the second the test strip showed she was pregnant, he would protect the baby the same way. He might have been concerned, but she was sure he would say yes to adopting Lily. Terry had fucked all his kids in a variety of ways. Mickey was the one he beat the most.All the horrific abuse outside a beating went to Mickey. From burns to being pissed on, he only did that to Mickey. All of that had her brother panicking that he could hurt a child. As if.

Mickey had never hurt Lily, never raised a finger, never threatened. Didn’t have to. He had this tone, strict but not cruel, and he could not be pushed. Lily and Liam both would knock off whatever trouble was brewing. Mandy loved that her brother, the dirty, rough thug as a teen, had rules for his kids.

Her best delight was watching that once chaotic, closeted kid grow into a gay man not afraid to love his husband and kids. Lily was a daddy’s girl through and through, but she was Papa's princess. She never tired of catching him doting on her. Like now, his pinky brushing back a curl, an amused nod, and the pull in to kiss her eye.

Relieved that he pulled his head out of his ass right now. The spectral Terry still haunted him; she hurt for him. But Lily trumped their dear old dead dad. And if he stayed away from her, Liam, and Ian too much longer, he would have lost so much.

”Aunt Mandy!”

”Hi Lily Bean. Ian told me he was making chicken parm, so I bought bread and pastries from that Italian bakery over off 18th. “

She and Mickey exchanged looks as Lily looked horrified and took off. They heard her knock on Liam’s door, then the thud of it closing.

Mickey rubbed, then pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay, I got nothing. Food has been an issue for a couple of months, and now with the diagnosis, it's harder to even get her to try. Liam said he and Frankie and Fred tried everything to get her to eat this morning.”

They paused hearing some yelling, then crying from Liam’s room, then low conversation. They were talking about family schedules to make sure Lily had people, and there was respite because Ian, as worried as he was, still needed sleep and a routine. The dogs went crazy, crowding Ian as he stepped in, snowflakes on his ginger beard he was growing. 

“How was your appointment, Firecrotch?” He was pleased that Ian was looking at him with goofy love again.

”Um, are adjusting the anti-pyscotic, a small tweak, and I need to journal and ground, you?”

”Super freaking great, cognitive behavioral reframing, and back in my ptsd med. Hella a pair, ey?” He shook his head.

“Best pair And you and Lily?”

Mandy got up to put away the groceries Ian bought to let the boys talk.

“Yeah, Ian, I think we figured it out. Missed her, missed you. E, I am sorry, man. Leaving you with all this.”

”For better or worse, right?” Ian noted and came to Mickey and sat in his lap for a kiss. Then Mickey's face went serious.

“Ian, so fucking sorry. I was ignoring you, not just Lily.” Ian snuggled in.

”If you are back with us, then we are done talking about Mick.”

They both jumped when Liliy’s voice carried over them to Mandy in the kitchen.

“Aunt Mandy, were they this lovey-dovey when you were kids?”

Mandy met Lily halfway into the living room. “Worse, they mellowed with age, trust me.” She pulled Lily in tight, then frowned.

"Mickey, get the thermometer. Lily sit down.”

”Aunt Mandy, it’s just the stupid fever.”

”I know Bean, but we are supposed to track it.” She did the machine and Lily’s ear and frowned. ” 101” 

Ian quietly noted it on his phone, then turned to his daughter. "I want to do the pajama shopping while I prep for dinner." Ian had promised Lily some new lounge clothes.

Mickey jumped up and looked at his husband. “Lily, you grab my laptop, and you and Daddy do your thing. I cannot make your chicken; it never comes out right. But I have been your sous-bitch for about 20 years. Mands and I will prep. You two try to get me matching PJs with Daddy, and I will throw myself out a window.”

Lily returned with the laptop. “Papa, don’t be so dramatic.“

***

Lily and Ian did not order him matching pajamas; however, they did purchase him big foot slippers. His shoulders visibly relaxed as he heard his pair of redheads teasing and laughing.

Lily sat on the couch and tossed the stuffed chickens to the dogs and watched football halfheartedly with Mickey. Mandy stayed in the kitchen to help Ian. In a low voice, she spoke to Ian while rubbing his arm.

"How are you doing, bestie? And I mean really, not what you are snowing everyone else with.”

”Well, sleep has been my saving grace, holding the mania at bay. It’s there right under my skin. Not full on hallucinations but movement, whispers. But in this phase where I know they are not real, my warning system internally, I guess. And yes, letting Mickey know tonight, we haven’t had much time these past three weeks. And Lily, this does not feel real, though. That’s my girl, and this makes me want to just scream to the sky until I break my voice.” 

They hugged. “I’m glad you are here, Mands; we all need each other to be here for her. I mean it, though. Things go south with me; Lip handles it. Everyone else is focused on Lily, even Mick. “

”I know Ian, I promise.” 

***

Dinner and Liam came out of his room. He joined everyone in the kitchen, and Liam felt this sense of nostalgia creep in. Their kitchen was bright and cheerful, with soft grays and tons of plants. It was a room where food was never a concern, kids did not worry about paying bills, and where every night Liam and Lily got undivided attention from their dads.

Liam had learned it had been room for the recent battle of food with his sister. She simply had been eating less for the past three months. While Ian and Mickey saw Lily not eating dinner, Lily was tossing or giving away her lunch or taking breakfast to go and doing the same thing. Last week she confessed that to Liam, and he flipped out on her.

He had felt bad, but he had been reading up on her cancer and cancer treatments.He learned some people started food aversions before diagnosis, and many people during treatments struggled to eat. Lily simply did not want to eat right now. Liam suspected it was more than a symptom of her illness. So today, when she came in his room saying she was going to just fake needing to go to bed to not have dinner, he yelled at her. Felt like the world's biggest ass and apologized to her.

”Sis, you know how awful it feels when dad is low and can hardly eat anything.”

Lily nodded.

”You tell me when dad is low that you just need to see him eat something. Lily, I need to see you eat something. You’re scaring me, and as long as it’s not going to make you feel sick, eat okay."“

”Liam” 

He looked at her and said, “Lily, let me help you, ok? Just some. “

”Ok, but you gotta promise me something ok.” She moved closer to him by sitting on the edge of his bed. He nodded, and she took a huge breath in and then let out a slow one. Tears started in her eyes, and Liam wondered how many times in the past three weeks she had cried.

” Liam. If this doesn’t get rid of it. If it gets bad, like buying time bad, make Daddy and Papa let me go; tell them I said it would be ok. Nothing to just keep me alive and a shell. Brother please.”

Liam was not prepared for that. He could hardly see her through his tears; he just reached for the blur of red and pulled her in. This was so messed up; his bubbly but stubborn baby sister should not be asking him to tell their dads to let her pass, DNR. Christ, she was not even old enough to drive, and she was planning for death. It felt like his guts were being slashed by broken glass, but as they cried together, he tried to push his heart through his chest to Lily.

He feared his voice would not hold, but it did when he nodded. “Yes, Lily, I promise.”

When she went to go find Daddy, he called his girlfriend Sasha and fell apart.She spoke low and comforting as she watched him on his side, sobbing. After a bit, they chatted both, knowing Liam’s decision was the right one; now he just needed to tell his dads.

***

They sat at the table, and Ian watched Lily side-eye Liam. He jostled her shoulder and whispered, and she grinned. Ian then watched something the pair had done for years but never at home. At restaurants, Liam would take part of what he ordered and would give it to Lily. Lily did the same. At home, though, it was their own plates. 

Liam took two pieces of chicken, a heap of pasta, and a hunk of bread. He grabbed Lily’s plate and put a bigger half of one piece of chicken on her plate, a scoop of pasta, and the bread. Ian was nervous; that was more food than the norm on her plate, and bigger portions were shutting her down. 
She looked at Liam with so much adoration that Ian could see the small kindergartener eating broccoli because Liam made it better with dip. Now Lilynodded to Liam and shared half her plate back with him. He looked at what she kept.

”You got it, sissy.” He said encouragingly and watched her take a bite.

Mickey, Mandy, and Ian kept quiet about what was going on between the siblings because whatever it was, Lily was eating. They all noted the half piece of chicken and most of the pasta and bread gone. Mickey wanted to dance a jig when she snagged a piece of Liam’s bread off his plate. When she was small, he would fight to get anything but bread in first; today we would give her the whole damn loaf.

”Daddy, can I be excused? I wanna take a bath before Will Trent is on.”

She gave a round of hugs as Ian excused her.

Mickey peered at Liam. ”Ok,, whatever just happened, can you teach us?”

Liam flexed his hands and stared at his dads, serious. "Yeah, I won’t have to. I talked with my advisor at school. I have put in to take the winter semester off. I am not leaving you guys to deal with this all, and I am not leaving while Lily is in treatment. This is not up for discussion. Dad, Pop, I love you, and I am staying.”

Chapter Text

“The fuck you are.” Ian spat out. “Liam, you need to stay on track.”

The battle of the Gallagher chins. Lily had the chin too, but hers was from mimicking the two men that were almost toe to toe.

”Dad, I am taking two classes online. I am staying here. No way am I getting anything done in the dorms worrying about her, you.” Liam knew he said the wrong thing. His dad went white.

”You think. I can’t take care of your sister or of myself. Been doing this more than half my life, Liam. Pop and I take care of things.” Mickey was about to jump in when Mandy, who was closer, put her hand on Ian’s shoulder.

”E, we know you can take care of Lily. But what Liam says makes sense. It is not smart for him to spin at school, worrying about Lily.Liam needs Lily just like Lily needs Liam. He is not giving up his dreams. And yeah, bestie, if you need that break, Liam here is better. C’mon Ian breathe.” 

“Dad.”

For the past three weeks, Ian had been in planner mode, worries and tears, but keeping things going. He stumbled, and Liam caught him as Ian’s body shook. They clung to each other, everyone watching Ian finally let it out. Mickey got up and brought Ian against his body, squeezing Liam’s arm as he did.

”C’mon tough guy, let’s go shower and breathe.”

***

Lily came into the kitchen, and Liam just shook his head. She had a Gallagher Security tee that was so big it was to her knees.

”Uncle Colin know you snagged a shirt of his?” Lily mock glared. Liam knew she was notorious for nabbing family clothing. He thought it was endearing, but she wore it despite the sizes. 

“Where’s everybody?” Lily was rooting around for her favorite mug to heat up Chai.

”Aunt Mandy took a call from Pat. Pops took dad to get a shower and get him to lay down. He is trying Lily, but I know you know.”

”I do; I think he was just waiting for Papa to be back. Is he manic?”

”A bit Amp'd, he says. I think him sleeping and adjusting his meds is helping; he might get manic, but Uncle Lip and Papa got it. I know you worry too, but Lily, I need you to let us take this without you.”

”Like, I cannot worry, Liam, this is my fault.”

”Lily Gazer Gallagher, knock that talk off. You and I both know getting cancer is not fault. I know you’re frightened as hell, and nothing makes sense. Dad is bipolar, and good and bad stress can affect that. You don’t help him, or you think that. So if you keep shitting on yourself, I will tell Debbie, and she is going to give you one of her chicken soups for the soul lectures; you love them."“ Liam joked as he poured water into the cups for tea.

”Ugh,, no, why do you hate me? She tries, but oh my god, the stories are so long and go nowhere. Sandy and Frankie wander off, and I am too polite to tune out.” She chucked a tea towel at Liam, who ducked and laughed.

***

Mandy sat on the guest bed at Mickeys. Her plan was to stay here for the surgery, then take Iggy’s spare room when Lily had her chemo and stay here when she was needed. She knew Mickey and Ian would be fine if she stayed here the whole time.She would move back in here if needed, but she wanted the house to have some breathing room. 

Lily. Her girl. The sassy thing flourished with her dads; Mandy never regretted having her boys adopt her. Terry had done a number on Mandy’s psyche. She was a great aunt and did the best for Lily that way. But the idea of being her mother would have made her unsuccessful in Lily’s life. 
Her phone rang, and she watched Pat’s calm, ginger face pop into view.

Mandy joined the escort service after fleeing Kenyatta. The owner was a former sex worker who protected her employees and helped them move onto other things if they chose. By twenty, Mandy had a steady job, a good bank account, a GED, and was starting college classes. Most of her clients were kind. Some did not even want sex each time. With the exception of the creep Ian helped her with, no one was violent.

At 23, she had her first “date” with Patrick Gabriel Mallory. Pat was 10 years her senior, and on first meeting, she had a stomach twist. He could have passed for Ian’s older brother. He was funny and kind and did not expect sex on the first meet. He booked her 11 more times in a row. On the 12th date, he took her to Quebec for a long weekend, and they spent it in bed. He was the first man ever who cared about her orgasms as well, well, first since Lip.

Patrick was an educated, assertive man. He was high up in the mob but the business, not on the murder side, although he never lied that it happened. His marriage at 18 was to a very Catholic woman whose father was a higher up. She hated him but would not agree to divorce. So he felt he never would have intimacy with any woman. By the time Mandy was 26, he no longer paid the service for her time. They just made time for each other. When she found out she was pregnant, he followed her lead. Let her process and make her decision. She knew she could have had an abortion, and even then he would have supported her. But she woke up one night swearing she heard her mother’s voice, and in that instant, she knew her baby needed to go with Mickey and Ian. Pat remained supportive; he had seen pictures and Lily updates since she was a baby. Had lunch with her and Mandy once. He loved her, Mandy knew, even if he never said. But agreed with her; her dad’s had been the best choice. He was worried though too.

She hit the button to FaceTime and watched him shuffle to get comfy on the couch in his hotel. The NYC skyline twinkling. Now fifty, he was even more handsome, if not disheveled, which meant he had been doing books all night. His smile grew to a beam seeing her. He took off his glasses and watched her.

”Amanda, you look tired; so much is going on before Lily’s surgery. Amanda, darling?”

Pat had been with her before she headed back to Chicago and had spent days weeping in his arms. He was not seeing that sadness now but fury.

”I want to go pay to have his bones unearthed and take him to some black magic, bring him back, and kill him, over and over. The man got away with so much. Beat Colin’s mom so bad, she killed herself from the pain. Iggy's mom; he left her as a present for the Cartel. My mom, god only knows, but he got her pregnant at 13. He was 32. Teachers knew, police knew. Everyone knew why all of us were so bruised; no one did a fucking thing. Lily is 14. And she is smart, a smart ass, and not a saint. But she is safe. I was 14 the first time Terry raped me. He had Mickey raped at 18. I am glad that nun killed him, because I would have had to kill him myself to protect Lily. Why Pat, bastard, survived for years, torturing us all, never facing anything. Lily, Lily faces cancer; god, it’s so fucked.”

”Amanda, if you are serious about the bones, I know people. And I know the bastard caused pain that comes back in waves. We can’t change that; I can just support you through it. Now, Lily, Lily is the young woman she is because all of you walked through fire and you all do better by and for her. Mickey and Ian have the best doctors and team. Your families are strong. You have this and her. I can fly to Chicago in the morning if you need me.

”Pat, you are working; I can’t ask that.” She began to unbraid her hair, letting it fly around her shoulders.

He smirked. “I still get flutters in my chest when you do that hair thing, darling. But yes, you can ask. You are not only her aunt but also her mother. She does not know me, and the guys are her dads, but I helped create her, and the pain you feel, so do I. So a compromise. I fly out after her surgery and grab us a suite downtown. When you need to see me, you come; when you need to be with Lily, you do.”

His green eyes crinkled, and he knew he had won. Mandy was in caretaker mode. Lily, Liam, Mickey, and Ian. But she would neglect herself, and that is why he was going to be her anchor. 

“Pat, I...”

” Amanda I love you too. Now what are you doing tonight?“ He knew talking about Lily made her smile every time.

And it did

”Tonight just watching TV. Mickey and Ian are at work in the morning finalizing the schedule and doing payroll with Sandy. Iggy is taking Lily out, and Liam and I are going to get some things for the house. Lily is having friends over before the surgery on Tuesday. While she is out, getting Sneaky Bastard in the wash so he is clean enough to go to the hospital. You know, you got it for her for me to give her when she was three.”

”Yeah, I did. Better story that he was from Aunt Mandy.” 

“Mickey and Ian would let you see her.”

”I know, they are good men and the best girl dads I have ever seen. She has her dads, and I feel blessed she does. I am ok that she gets info about me, but unless she asks, her life is there, and I am a family friend.”

”Aunt Mandy, I am going to say goodnight to Daddy. Are you going to watch the show? Papa watches it, and I just filled Liam in on the first few episodes, so he can watch.”

Mandy turned, looking at their wonderful girl. ”How did Liam handle getting caught up in 60 seconds?”

“He said I was going to give him an eye-twitch, but he is gonna watch too. I wish he brought Sasha, but she has to work.”

Pat watched her chatter to Amanda and thought about the first time he saw Lily in action. Since birth, he has seen all the pictures, and Mandy shared milestones after each visit. One day he called Mickey and asked him and Ian if he could see her when Mandy FaceTimed. After a conversation, they agreed.

They were in New York when Mickey called Amanda. Ian’s brother had spanked Lily, and the dads were furious. She was three. As he sat back while she talked to Mickey, a squeal richotted into the laptop speakers. A little curly red head was jumping to get into view.Mickey put Lily in his lap, and Pat turned to goo. She was one of the most beautiful children he ever saw. Curly red hair like coils, bouncing. Tiny freckles dusted over her nose and clear blue eyes, Mickey's eyes. 

Mickey, the man who looked like he should be an enforcer for Pat's crew, doted on the boisterous toddler. You could see it. He watched her like she was the only person in the room; he sang with her as he cuddled and bounced her. Mickey was her father and the best place for her. Pat was humble; they let him in.

She knew who he was and chatted with him when Amanda called while with him. Her dads allowed her to lunch with Amanda and him. She was a delight.

” Pat?”

He came back, seeing Lily by Amanda. ”Hey kiddo. Not going to ask how you feel, but instead, how are you holding up?”

She chewed her bottom lip like he had seen Mickey do, then laid her head on Amanda’s shoulder. “As much as I don't want surgery, since I have to, I wish it was just done with. I hate hospitals and doctors. Daddy said to pretend scrubs are just the newest fashion trend. He is such a goof.“

”I’m sorry you are stuck with that, Lily; it would stink to be there. Lily, is it ok if I put your name on the prayer list at church?”

Lily shrugged. "It can’t hurt; I am going to go; I want to see Daddy before his meds knock him out. Bye Pat.”

”Bye Lily.”

They both watched her go.

”Pat, I am going to go make popcorn in the hope she eats some. The original weight loss was nine pounds; the last check-in  was 11. I know Ian has the same fear; if it keeps going, they might order a feeding tube. She and Mickey would lose it for that. I love you, Pat; call me in the morning.”

”I love you too; goodnight, Amanda.”

Pat went to the bar in the suite and poured a scotch. Sitting there watching the skyline, he prayed. He knew he was a hypocrite; his career and marriage were shams. But he still believed. His wife Claire and he were strangers; she despised him. Life and sex were dull, gray. Then he met Amanda, and his life was colorful and electrifying. Lily was a gift, and her dads were wrapped around that petite finger. He sat, sipping his scotch and letting tears fall as he prayed to protect the beautiful girl he helped create.

***

Ian leaned on Mickey. He was sluggish, his blood feeling like cement. He let Mickey undress him and sat on the toilet, waiting for Mickey to fill the tub.

”I would say shower, but your ginger butt would be wobbling like a stoned colt, sitting seems better.” Mickey’s face was smooth, but his eyes burned with shame and sadness. “Ian, I know you said it’s over, but I went too far away from you all. I should have been helping you, helping Lily. Just humor me, no bullshit. What’s your number on the mania, the psychosis?”

This was a scale Ian had found with a therapist years ago. It helped him communicate to family where he was and had a clear format that he could follow and made it accurate.

”Mania likes three, but ummm, hallucinations about five.”

”Jesus Ian, why didn’t you say something?”

Ian's voice was gentle, yet that vein of hurt was still flowing, even as he tried to mask it.

”No one around to tell baby.”

That was a wrecking ball to the gut, it was true. He leaned down and kissed Ian’s head. “Yeah, I am back, E. So glad you got in and got your meds adjusted.” 

He got into the tub, and Ian climbed in and laid back against his chest. Ian’s heartbeat was higher and the fidget slight. Mickey grabbed Ian’s hands and began to massage them. 

“Gotta keep an eye on your stuff, Ian, but if a swing happens, you know it’s ok. This is a lot, and you’re doing so well.” 

“Mick, I feel like if I can just get through her surgery, then if I have a few bad days they are here and she is here. I have to be there for our girl; it’s just not an option for me.“

Mickey just snuggled into Ian’s neck and gave a chain of kisses. He slowly washed Ian, feeling his husband’s heart beat slower. They cuddled until the water cooled, then as they sat on the bed, Mickey dropped to his knees.

"I need you knocked out resting Red, so let’s take you all the way.” Mickey flicked his tongue over Ian’s tip as it grew hard and began to leak. He looked up at Ian and took him all the way down. Tonight it was fast, wet, sloppy, and deep throated. He wrung Ian out quickly and brought him to shuddering climax twice. They had just cleaned up and gotten into sweats when Lily knocked on the door and opened it when Mickey said it was fine to come in.

”Daddy, I figured you were not going to watch TV, so I wanted to say goodnight.” She climbed in and curled up with Ian.

He smoothed her wrinkled brow with his thumb. "Yeah, Lily, I need to get ahead of my moods right now, even if I would rather be watching with you.”

She hugged Ian hard. “Daddy, I know that. I want and need you right now, so I need you to take care of yourself. I love you.“ 

“I love you too, my Lily Girl.” 

She started out to the living room, and Mickey leaned over and kissed Ian, helping him get comfy. He stayed rubbing Ian’s back for a few minutes until the even breathing showed Ian was out.

”Goodnight, Firecrotch.”

***

”She can have the anti-nausea every three hours if needed, and, oh yeah, no coffee. I mean it, Iggy, and if the fever hits 102, she has to come home.”

”Mands, Carl, and I have been watching her since birth more than anyone aside from you and the guys. I speak very fluent, Lily.“

”Sorry, Igs, I know that. Just super worried.”

”I get it, Mands, I do. But she is just having a chill day with Uncle Iggy.”

"Yeah, Aunt Mandy, just chilling today."  Lily came out in a long patchwork dress with her black cheer jacket. She kissed Aunt Mandy bye. Her dads had come into her room earlier to say goodbye. She was relieved. Daddy had a less wild look in his eyes this morning, and the extra hours of sleep helped. 

She jumped into Iggy's Pathfinder and synced her phone. Uncle Iggy always let her play her music. Papa did, sometimes but usually bitched if anything remotely sexy was in the lyrics. 

Coffee,""he asked.

Yes, please,"  she replied. 

They went through her favorite coffee house, Iggy getting a large black and Lily a peanut butter mocha, decaf. They had two destinations for today and a nice drive to listen to music and talk. Uncle Iggy was her go-to for things she could not tell her dads or aunt. Iggy also helped her understand both of her father's mental health and some of their personalities.

As she looked out the window, she asked a question to him.

”Uncle Iggy, did Terry do things to you like he did Papa and Aunt Mandy? I mean, he’s dead, and Papa at times seems afraid of him still.”

”Lily, yeah, he did. Terry beat us all the time. I think by the time your papa came along, he was worse. He definitely was always wanting to hurt Mickey more. Not sure why. So yeah, between the abuse and Svet, Terry built long-term fear in Mickey. He never wants to be like Terry, and sometimes he forgets he is nothing like him; he’s better.”

” Yeah. I am glad he is dead. Uncle Iggy?”

”Yes, love?”

”If I die, will you take Sneaky Bastard? But you can’t keep him in a box, getting dusty; you gotta keep him out somewhere. And if you marry Wendy and you have a baby, you gotta give Sneaky Bastard to them. And make sure my dads have me creamated , no box. Spread me in nice places.”

Iggy touched her hand.

”Lily, I will ok. However, I think we need to stay positive like your doctors. If Wendy and I get hitched and I have my own rug rat, planning on you giving them the unicorn, ok?”

Lily's voice was a whisper. “Uncle Iggy, what if this doesn’t work? What if it gets worse, or if it hurts too much, or I just get to the point where I want to... "She stopped. Her blue eyes said it all. Iggy pulled the car over. Fuck, he knows what she needs to hear; he believes it but says it.

”Lily, I love you with every fiber of my being. I know what you’re asking, Lily. If you ever get to that stage, then Lily, you go; if you have to, ok.“

He pulled her in, and they both cried. 

Finally, they both pulled away, and the trip continued. Iggy had learned industrial sewing during his last prison stint. With that, he had gotten into embroidery. That and going on runs with Ian lowered his anxiety. He sold smart ass embroidery on Etsy for extra cash. Lily wanted to learn to knit, something to do during treatments. Iggy and her decided to learn together via YouTube.

They ran amok in the yarn store, having knitting needle fights and filling the cart with obnoxious bright yarn balls. After spending about one hundred dollars, they headed out for lunch. Iggy picked this road trip for a reason. Lily was curious about this restaurant after seeing it in a food show. To Iggy’s delight, she ate a half of a chili dog, a few fried pickles, and a small shake. The four-hour trip was singing at the top of their lungs songs like Werewolves of London and Alice’s Restaurant.

Walking in the Gallagher’s, her dads were already home. Daddy and Liam were cooking, and Aunt Mandy and Papa were playing Call of Duty. Lily dropped her coat as she set her bag down by the couch to kiss her aunt and papa. 

“Terry would choke on your hobbies, Ig.” Mickey noted, giving Lily a noogie as he gave one right back.

”Papa whatever. But we had the best hotdogs ever today; it was so good I almost finished it.“ She began to unload her yarn on the coffee table.

Mickey kept playing but raised his brow at Lily. “Almost half, wow. What is the name of this place?”

”American Coney, it was really good.“

Iggy was in the kitchen when he heard the bellow. 

“Ignacio Vladmere Milkovich” 

Ian looked at his brother-in-law. “What the fuck did you do?”

Mickey was now in the doorway, face beet red. “You took her to Detroit? Motherfucker, Detroit. She, that’s too far, too much. Use your head, all those fast-talking, smooth-planning scammers. What if the flu hit Detroit? Did she keep her mask on? Fuck Iggy.”

Ian grabbed Mickey and pulled him in, to Iggy’s relief.

”Baby, look at Lily. Look how happy she is, relaxed. And she ate, willingly. They didn’t go to roll drunk sailors at the border. She got yarn and had lunch. She blew off steam; that’s good. So no kicking Iggy's ass, yes?” 

Mickey peered into the living room where Lily was on YouTube, giggling and holding yarn.

”Yeah, she’s smiling; I missed that.

***

Two days before the surgery, five of Lily’s best friends came over to watch movies and eat tacos. Lily was glowing for a long time, but Mickey saw her exhaustion as he carried her to bed that night.

The day before, the house was tense. Lily napped for several hours with Ian and, when up, was wrapped in someone’s lap. She was clingy and quiet, and they all just let her cling. She refused food except for jello and hot chocolate. 
That night she crawled into their bed, and an hour later Liam wormed his way in. They streamed a food show, and soon Mickey watched his family fall into sleep.

Last one awake, Mickey set the alarm for 4:30 am. They had to be at the hospital by 6 am. Mickey got up, smiling at the three who crashed in his bed. Even the dogs were curled up together. Mickey went and checked the locks and prepped the coffee machine. Double check their bag and lilies. He went past the guest room and saw Mandy on her side. He pulled a blanket over her.

Back in his room, he kissed Ian, rubbed Liam’s head, then crawled to his side of the bed, gathering Lily in his arms. 
It was here: surgery, chemotherapy.

Tommorow Lily had to start her fight, but the Gallagher Milkovich Army would be right there with her. 

Chapter Text

The alarm began to bleep at 4:30 am. Despite the heat in September, mid-October was frigid. Ian and Mickey let Lily sleep while they got dressed and started coffee. 

Lily had her biopsy to determine her cancer, but they also found a mass in her spleen. This was one place in the organs her HL could effect. While she hated masking, she knew it was needed pre-surgery. So she adjusted to the flowered masks, and Aunt Mandy bought her Until her body adjusted, she was open to infection with her immune system flagging. Ian had assured Mickey that because only a part of her spleen was being removed, it was better long run.

Lily kicked at the covers as Mickey gently went to wake her up as Liam stumbled to let the dogs out.

”Punk you can sleep on the way, but you gotta go do that hibaclense thing before we go. I will even bring a blanket to the  car. C'mon, my love.” Mickey found himself baby talking a bit, knowing how vulnerable she was.

She rolled into Ian’s arms and clung tight. ”Daddy, don’t make me go; Papa will stay here if you do.“

Ian pulled Lily onto his lap and whispered something. He leaned in again, and she shook her head no. Finally, whatever was repeated, registered. She got up and, after hugs, lumbered sleepily into the bathroom. 

Ian got up and wrapped around Mickey to get his husband to stop shaking. They and Liam were silent as they heard Lily chatting with Aunt Mandy, who had gone to get Lily going. They came out, Lily in her sweats and Mandy holding Lily’s bag. The children’s hospital scheduled 4 days in hospital for this type of surgery. 

Mickey watched. Lily was petite; she had him and his mom's smaller stature. But now she looked so tiny. He hated taking her here even if it was the best option, the only option. 

Mickey and Ian signed the last-minute check-in paperwork while Mandy helped Lily get into the hospital gown  and get on the bed and warm. When Ian and Mickey got in, Lily was just getting a Valium, and her blankets were having warm air blown in by a hose.

”Papa, if you had this, you would never get up during hockey season; it’s so warm.“ She laughed as he stuck his hand up and grabbed her calf. 

“Oh fuck yeah, help after your dad decides to freeze me with his big feet.” Ian just swatted Mickey on his ass. The nurses and what Lily called the vein team came in to get her hooked on her IVs. Her doctor and team came in and led them through the about five-hour surgery. They had just all gotten a kiss, and I love you out, and they were wheeling her back.

Ian herded Mickey and Mandy to the family waiting area, and Liam went downstairs to grab drinks and a bagel for Ian’s medicine. Wordlessly, Ian took Mickey's jacket and sneakers off and then pulled Mickey down into his chest. Ian slept last night; he knew Mickey had not. Now he got his husband comfortable so he could get a few hours of shut eye.

He was right; Mickey bitched for about a minute then settled down, his breathing evening out. Sitting there with the nurses moving about and paging of doctors, Ian thought back to the night Lily was born.

***

Mandy, always a badass, had been in labor for 11 hours, threatening him and Mickey in such a colorful manner that even seasoned delivery nurses laughed at the brunette, who had the two men cowed and were snapping to her demands. Mandy had used a birthing bar, and Mickey had watched his sister in awe. Mandy had grown up in a house full of misogyny. Girls had been seen as weak, and she had had to fight harder than any of the boys to survive Terry. She fought to get out, and she did. Ian was damn proud of her.And that night she fought to bring Lily into the world. She held Lily, kissed her, and whispered, “Hi sweet girl, I am your Aunt Mandy. I need a nap, and these two guys have been waiting to meet you.” 

Then she handed her to Ian and fell asleep.
She was four days late but only 5.32 pounds. A mass of hair and lungs like an opera star. Mickey sat in Ian's lap, those arms around them both. They watched her sleep, panicked at her tears, and took at least 50 pictures of her first bottle and yawns. 

Mickey was obsessed with watching their tiny redhead. He made mohawks with wisps of hair. And when they got home, Mickey became patrol. He would sneak out of bed to keep Ian from being sleep deprived and watch her, rock her, and fall asleep by her crib. Their dates were about her, mostly. And Mickey realized with first steps, first words, first everything, he was not Terry. The apple away from the tree and the whole damn orchard. Ian adored being at home until she went to kindergarten.

For years, she and Ian would get Liam and Papa off to work, then it was swim time or story time. Other times Lily would play while Ian worked on the pod cast. His favorite time of day was when Mickey came home to the three of them. Ian was Lily’s go-to dad. She checked in on how things worked; she worked the world with Daddy. Daddy explained and soothed. Papa fixed things; he praised her, scolded her, and locked horns with her. Papa was her white knight, the heavy when someone wronged her. She would spend the day with Ian, getting good jobs and time outs. Mickey walked in the door and everything, from how many chips she had with her sandwich to how many guys asked for Daddy’s number at the park. Each day, Mickey got the full rundown. 

And now still their baby, at least in their minds. 

***

Mickey was stirring, almost three hours into surgery, and jerked awake, rubbing his eyes. 

“We hear anything?” Mickey looked around at the white walls with colorful but banker art.

”Nah, baby, but most likely getting close to being done or having someone come out to say it might take the five.”

Four hours later, a surgery rep came out.

”Mr. and Mr. Gallagher. They jumped up, and Mandy and Liam followed.

”Hi Mister Gallagher’s, I am Sara, part of the team. The doctor will be out in an hour or so. Lily had some internal bleeding. They are getting that under control, and the surgery will continue. We will have a surgeon or nurse call before they come out to see you.“ 

Bleeding, what the hell? 

Ian stood up, kissed Mickey, and mumbled. “Not leaving the hospital; I just, fuck, fuck need a minute.“

Liam hustled Mickey and Mandy into the cafeteria and pressed sandwiches into their hands, saving one for Ian. Mickey took three bites, then excused himself to find Ian.

Ian was in the chapel, head down. Mickey was worried until he heard Ian at God, not SHIM.SHIM only came with Ian’s mania.

He listened as Ian continued.

”Look, you left with two parents who did not give a shit. Fine. Fi was better to us than they ever could be. Foster care, it bit every time, but we never spent a lot of time there. Mickey, being raped.Why was that necessary? Then the bipolar. It took the army, Mickey, my career choices away. Mick and I are solid; the family is intact. So much I gave up, so much I thought was lost, I got to keep. But why Lily? I have no idea how to do this without failing them all.“ Ian laid his head in the plain chair in front of him and broke down.

Ian did not see Mickey slide into the seat next to him. Rubbed his back. Searched for the right words. Something to make Ian smile.

”I remember the first time she said no to you, Firecrotch; she had just turned three.”

*** 

They both had never experienced a tantrum until Lily turned three.

At two, they had a misguided smugness, as the twos were not terrible. Her joyful prattling filled the house, and naps and bedtimes were joy, meals easy. She brought the family together in a weird way, the tiny toddler fragile like a flower.

Then she turned three. The fragile flower became fragile like a bomb.

She was now home with Ian, and their easy-going yes, please daddy and carrot-eating angel had suddenly found her sass.

Mickey and Sandy had been out in a route when Ian called. Just from the hello, Mickey knew Ian was teary.

“Fuck, I changed my mind; I want to be the fun; don't give a crap, dad.“ He sniffled.

Mickey smiled; he loved Ian and knew he fretted over being super dad.

"Ian, really, I know you don’t mean that. We were feral from being raised by our folks. What’s wrong.”

”She is napping now, but oh my god, Mick, she has been fighting everything. She was tossing green beans out of the cart at Whole Foods. I told her to stop, and she told me no twice, Mick,  and then she threw another green bean. Took her out and gave her a time out in the car seat before we drove home.” 

***

Ian looked at the cross he had turned to face him in the chapel. “She chanted I hate Whole Foods the whole way home. Positive proof she was your kid; the Milkovich is big in her. Seriously, I thought I fucked up, but then after her nap, she came out like nothing happened. She is resilient and always has been. This morning, she was begging to stay home, and we had to make her come here; adulting can bite me.” 

Mickey stroked Ian’s head; he got it. Making your child go get treated hurt, and you did it to save her. Ian knew more about the medical though. “Ian, so Lily, bleeding.”

”It is serious, Mick; internal bleeding always is. But it’s stopped, which is the best news. Let’s grab the crew and head back upstairs.”

***

Debbie, Iggy, and Carl joined the waiting party. Liam had his head on Debbi’s lap, and she smoothed circles in his back. Ian was nodding at Mickey, and Iggy held Mandy while they watched TV with no real focus.

Seven hours after she went in, her surgeon came through the door and sat with the family.

”Lily is just being moved down to recovery. Once she starts waking up, dads can see her. Limiting visitors tonight and in the morning, but after that we can have a few more folks in. So her port is in; that was fine. The mass was larger and more interwoven in the tissue that we had seen on screen. We could not save any of the spleen, and we had a few bleeds; those are closed. We will get this surgery healed and then will set the chemotherapy schedule. She is going to be very groggy tonight, and her nurses will be on top of her pain medications. Once they get her ready after recovery, we will move you all to a room.“

”Fucking Aye, what the fuck her fucking entire spleen?“

Mickey was pacing, and Mandy looked shocked. Liam updated the group text as pings went wild.

Ian looked at Mickey. “The tumor was too much in the spleen, Mickey; in this case, safer, it’s all gone.“

”Gallagher’s“

”Yo, right here." Mickey called out

”Ok dads, let’s get you back to recovery. Sorry, only dad’s in the back.” The nurse chirped.

Mandy leaned in to hug them both, then Liam tackled them both to hold on tight. “Aunt Mandy and I are headed home. We will be back in the morning. Kiss her hard for me. I love you, dads.” 

***

The recovery room had that sterile, medicinal smell and the hum of groggy voices and beeping machines. Lily was in the third bed, close to the nurses station. Her surgery nurse, Lari, was by her side, rubbing Lily’s hands. Lily’s lids were mottled purple, and they fluttered like feathers falling in the ground.

”Daddy, Papa, it hurts.”

Mickey's eyes were huge, and his face read unstable. Lilies voice and tears driving him to lash out; make someone fix it. Just then. Lari put meds in the IV .

Lari gave Lily a  call button.

”Ok, sweet pea, this button will let you push pain medications into your IV when it’s time. Hit it, Lily; it will help. Hi dads. Lily is doing a great job waking up; her first pain medicine was just a post-op. So they told you about the changes during surgery? Yes, good. Now we are going to keep an eye on her for a bit here; make sure her bladder wakes up too, then she goes to her room.” 

Both men sat on opposite sides of the bed, rubbing her arms and kissing her as she babbled and got emotional. The nurse said it was the anesthesia and her pain and discomfort.

”Papa, can I have Sneaky Bastard and some water?”

Mickey brought a straw to her lips and helped her get a few sips in. "Sorry, punk, he has to wait until you go to your room. You did so good, baby, so good.”

”Lily, honey. Just so you don’t hear it later, they had to take the whole spleen.” 

Lily chewed her lip but said nothing; soon they watched her start drifting off.

The nurses had them leave, and they headed up to Lily’s room. The floor nurses checked them in and had the family pull out the couch already open and linens. Mickey parked their pillows, and Ian pulled out their throw. They laid Sneaky Bastard on the night table and put Lily’s snuggly micro throw on her bed. 

Their home away from home for the next several months.

They wheeled Lily in, and Ian had to physically restrain Mickey from picking Lily up to get her in her bed. "Mick, they know better than us how to get her settled after surgery. Give them a minute.”

As soon as Lily was settled, Ian and Mickey swooped in. Ian took her blanket and laid it over the hospital bedding while Mickey tucked Sneaky Bastard by her right side. 

Ian was holding her hand, and Mickey tousled her hair.

”You need anything punk.” He asked in the voice of comfort, of chasing away monsters, repairing skinned knees.”

She opened her eyes and gave a drugged, lopsided grin. “Apparently, I need a new spleen.“

Mickey snorted. “ Goof”

”Hey, you’re giving away my title!” Ian pretended to look hurt. Lily pinched his hand.

”You’re still the biggest goof in the house, Daddy." Then she looked at Ian, her dad, and informed him about what was going on.

”Daddy, this hurts, like when you fall at cheer and catch a foot in the stomach. But it’s not quick; this is over and over.”

To Papa, who slayed all her demons, she turned. “Papa, make it stop. Please make it stop.“

This helplessness was killing him. Last time he felt like this, he had a gun at his head and a wife to be on his lap. It was hard to look at Ian in pain then, but harder to watch his little girl now. He kissed her and got up.”

”Mick.“ Ian tried to warn, but Mickey was out the door. He found the nurses station. “ Oi! What’s going on in this place? My daughter just got out of surgery. There was organ removal and hemorrhaging. She is in pain, and somebody needs to fucking rectify this, now or some slow poke loses a spleen too, capice?”

An older nurse, who was totally unfazed by the outburst, looked down at her paperwork. “Lynda is headed to Lily with her pain medications. This is hard, dad, but we will keep Lily as pain-free as possible.” 

Mickey cracked his knuckles and hurried back to the room. A nurse was changing Lily’s IV bag to a new one and was adding in her medications. Mickey watched Lily stop squirming a visibly relaxed.

Lynda was checking Lily’s vitals and was telling Ian they needed to order food off the white menu for Lily. They wanted her to try to eat. The yellow menu was for families, and they could place it with hers.

Mickey grabbed the menu and kicked back in the blue vinyl recliner. “Ok punk, let’s look at this menu for you. Need you to eat, at least a bit, punk. Not just pushing it around but really eating. Oh, and big redhead who answers to husband, you need to eat too.”

Groans from them both.

Lily ordered the baked chicken, mashed potatoes, and jello. Ian ordered a turkey club and Mickey a burger even though it was turkey. But he was damn well not eating White Castle in front of Lily.

Before the food came, Dr. Weilder came in. He checked out Lily and her abdomen. He made sure Lilly understood why she had the compression cuffs on her legs and how to use the breathing machine exercises. He explained why they had to remove her whole spleen. Mickey half listened. The tumor was in Lily; the tumor was gone. That was all he needed to know.

Lily dozed on and off while Mickey and Ian watched TV. She ate a bit, telling her dads that the chicken was worse then when Uncle Joey gets out of jail and tries to cook. Ian fell asleep holding her hand. Mickey chatted with nurses and messed with blankets. Then he sent a group text.

Mick: Lily is settled in, managing pain; she and Ian are wiped out. Gonna see how night goes; will let you know when all visitors can come.

Lip: Give her a kiss for us. How are you handling this? 

Mick: Trade anything to be in that bed instead of her

Iggy: I’d trade too. 

Colin: Me too.

Debbie: Sandy and I are down.

Carl: Gallagher’s got her and you, Mick.

Mick: Don’t you shitheads make me cry. I love you, assholes.

Lip: 💕

Mick: 🖕🏻

Ian woke up and sent Mickey down the hall to the family shower. The plan was Ian would stay up and take his meds; it was only 8 p.m., and Lily would be out most of the night. Mickey was showering and crashing on their pullout. He was setting his alarm for midnight. Ian would sleep, and Mickey would cat nap in the chair by Lily. Just like they did it through colic, teething, and chicken pox. Tonight the stakes felt bigger, heavier.

Mickey stood under the hot shower, letting the water relax his tired muscles. The surgery was done; one thing checked off. Then chemo. There would be checkups, of course, and follow-ups, but they were moving on to getting this darkness out of their kid. He dried off and slipped into his sweats and old tank. Heading back to the room, he was bolstered to see Lily drinking juice and letting Ian adjust her so she was comfortable. He slipped by Ian kissing him, then reached down to hug Lily and give her a kiss. She snacked on juice and jello then fell back asleep.

Mickey had no clue that a hospital mattress could feel like heaven. He set his alarm, smiled at his red heads, texted Liam he loved him, and crashed. 
He dreamed, thinking in the morning maybe the nurse would ok a smoothy for Lily.

They had this.

It was 2am, and he was cat-napping lightly while watching Lily in between. The room was warm and quiet.

Until alarms went off and there was a swarm of nurses around his daughter. 

Chapter Text

Ian awoke to what he believed it would sound like in hell. Alarms and Mickey howling their daughter’s name. He bolted up seeing a crash team working on Lily and Mickey, by instinct, trying to push them aside. Ian sprang up and pulled Mickey away, assuring him this team was doing what they needed.

Lily was seizing.

Ian was fighting with himself. The former EMT knew to stay out of the way. Like Mickey, his dad instinct was to get to her. A nurse not on team asked them to go wait in the night family lounge. 

Ian pulled Mickey down, and they held each other, both trying to regulate heartbeats and breathing. Finally, Mickey started to speak in a low, hollow tone.

”She was sleeping so fucking good. Woke up, had water, and wanted Sneaky Bastard and another blanket. I heard this sound, and she was, fuck, she was... I can’t. Then the alarms went off and folks came hightailing it in here.” Mickey had red eyes, deep bags, and terror in his blues.

Ian shuddered at the vision.

Two hours later, a doctor joined them. The seizure was caused by a fever of 104 and an early infection. She had been moved to the ICU. They would not be allowed to the floor until 9 a.m. The doctor suggested they go to Lily’s room to rest. There was nothing they could do. 

At 8 am, they called Sandy and asked her to drive Liam to the hospital; they did not want him driving after they told him what happened. By ten to nine, Liam came through the doors and hurled into Ian’s arms, sobbing. Mickey joined Ian in holding Liam close. Since before they adopted him, Liam adored her. 

When they got to the ICU, Liam was first through the door. He fell into the chair, gazing at Lily. Shaking when he really looked at her.As Ian and Mickey passed the nurses station, they were stopped.

”Hi,, I am Mike, Lily’s nurse today. Can I fill you in on where we are at with Lily? The doctor will be by around 11 for more information. Lily, as you know, started seizures early this morning and was running a high fever. Tests confirmed there is an infection. The doctor decided to put her in a medically induced coma, which helped with the seizures.“

”What are you talking about? Like those long-term, move her to a home, no way, no fucking way.” Mickey was white and shaking.

Mike leaned in. ”Mr. Gallagher, no, nothing like that. Lily was put under to help control the seizures while the team figured out what was going on. So she is on her IV and responding to antibiotics. No fever for four hours. The doctor will be in, and the plan is to bring her out later this afternoon. It looks terrifying, but she is doing well. Please just hit the call button if you need anything.”

Mickey turned to look at Ian. Ian had been teatering for a while now. Even with meds and checking in with Erin, this was a lot—an ocean of triggers, and Ian’s mental health was taking him under. Ian was at Lily’s doorway, quiet, and that heavy, worn look that showed it was hard for him to process.

”Ian?”

His husband looked at him and knew it was just a matter of time before Ian was down. Slowly, his hand carded through his hair.

“Mick, I know we both know I am not ok, but right now, I need to be by Lily.” Ian shuffled over to the bed. Kissed the top of Liam’s head. Liam stood and gently pushed his dad down. Ian took Lily’s hand and kissed it, holding it tight, and put his head on the edge of her bed.

”My Lily girl. You are ok, such a sweet girl. Daddy and Papa are here with brother. We got you, baby, my sweet, sweet girl. Daddy is right here.” He closes his eyes.

Mickey came to the bed, still shaken by the extra apparatus on their daughter. He pulled a chair up, as did Liam.

”Hey punk, Papa got you ok.”

***

They brought Lily out of the coma that night, and two days later she was moved to a room out of the ICU. The plan was she would stay at least another five days.

Once she was settled, Ian was almost dead in his feet. He wrapped her in his arms and whispered to her, tears on their faces. He let Lip help him up and used a wheelchair to avoid a fall. Kissed Mickey goodbye and went home. Lip, Debbie, and Carl to take turns staying to help him. Mandy was now on Mickey duty, Lily duty.

She got to the hospital and walked in the room. Lily was watching TV, nodding off, and Mickey was sprawled in the chair, eyes trained on Lily.

Fuck, she knew that look. Mickey was spinning in his own way, hyper-focused.

Mandy went over to Lily and kissed her, her heart melting as Lily reached up slowly.

”Hi Aunt Mandy.“

Mickey snarled at his sister. ”You hugged her without washing your hands.”

Lily smiled a wan smile. “Papa's on the warpath. He lysoled Sneaky Bastard and washed my jello spoon three times before he let me eat.” Mandy was thrilled to see that frustrated pout on that tiny face.

"Look, Missy, I have seen the commercials about all the crap fabric absorbs. And you have had him since you were three.And yeah, my sister, he made air quotes with his fingers , washed him. However, Typhoid Mary over there can’t even take five minutes to wash her hands.” He rubbed his eye.

Lily and her aunt exchanged glances, then Lily watched Mickey. “ Papa”

”Protesting does not make the facts less true there, punk.”

Mandy watched the pair, seeing that Lily was frustrated with Mickey. Lily thought the sun rose and set with Mickey, but they at times could drive each other up a wall. Lily acted chill like Ian most of the time, preferring knockdown dragouts, mostly with Papa.

” Mickey, go downstairs and get us some bagels in the cafeteria. Drop the glare; I just got here.”

Mickey tugged on his Timerlines and mumbled as he left.

”Thank you,“ Lily murmured.

***

When Mickey got back up, Lily was in the bathroom with a nurse. Mandy watched her older brother and decided to just blurt it out. “You need to go home today.”

”What are you on about, not going a damn place?”

Mandy just watched and tried to be a bit more gentle. “You are worried about her, Ian and Liam. You are stressed, which is making Lily stressed. She does not know how to say it; she wants you to go home for a day, see Ian, and do good self-care.”

He folded his arms. “And who is gonna be here, huh?”

Mandy snapped. “Well, I thought I would let a crack dealer and their dog with rabies do it. Bloody hell, Mickey. Us, the family. No one is leaving her alone, ok? See, I just texted the family schedule for coming here today. I will be coming back and staying tonight. You can’t keep up like this. I will have Colin and Iggy drag you out, need be. She will want you to FaceTime. It’s one day, Mickey. “

”Yeah, and what do I do when I leave her here, hmmm wise ass?” He froze to see Lily shuffling with the nurse back in.

The nurse helped Lily into the recline chair and got her comfortable. Once the nurse left, Lily looked at Mickey.”

”Go home for the day, Papa. Check on Daddy. Walk the dogs. Have a beer in the shower and eat non cafeteria food. Take a nap in your bed. I am ok, and someone will be here, please, Papa.“

He was startled to see her eyes ready to throw down with him. That gave him a secret thrill. It had been almost a week since he saw this level of spark. 

He managed to not smile as he groused. “Two against one, nice. I ain’t winning this, huh?” Lily nodded solemnly. He moved to kneel down in front of her. ”What are you and Aunt Mandy going to do this morning without me?” He pretended to look hurt.

Lily shrugged, a gleam in her eyes. “Not sure. Maybe go clubbing, pick up boys. Really Papa? We are hanging out and airing out Sneaky Bastard.”

He threw his hands up in mock surrender, then leaned in to hug her. She whispered. “Even if Daddy is asleep, can you FaceTime with him and me when you get home?"

“Sure Punk. Behave, my girl.”

”I am missing an organ and am being given pain meds; pretty sure I am totally compliant.”

He gave her another kiss and headed out after swearing to Mandy that if their daughter even coughed wrong, he was coming back.

***

Mickey did not remember driving home. He sat in the front room, the couch and the photos and the art, all feeling foreign right now. The dogs backed into him for warmth. He didn’t know how long he sat, but Carl came out of the bedroom and high-fived him.

”Ian just had some water and did toast with his meds earlier. Lip came by and helped get him washed up. You are home, so I guess the coup happened. I was gonna door-dash that burger joint a few blocks over in about an hour. You want anything. FYI, I am staying til Lip gets here to tag in. Yes, you are home, but we still have Ian. You relax. The rest of the family still has Lily. Frankie and Fred are going over to see her for a few hours. Tami has permission to help wash her hair; gonna give her a manicure. Liam has dinner there, and Mands is staying the night. You need a break, Mick. Sorry, not sorry.”

He wanted to argue, but they, including his daughter, were right. He could no longer dig deep.

”Yeah, I am gonna go shower; lay by Ian. A bourbon bbq double patty sounds fucking fantastic; just wake me up when the food is here. Carl, thanks man.”

”Gallagher’s forever man."  Carl mock saluted.

The shower, hot and private shower was letting his anxiety calm. He really did not want to leave Lily; he had not left her since surgery. He knew logically the doctors said she was getting better; the infection was nearly gone, and she was doing small jaunts in the room and down the hall. Logic, but his heart felt heavy. But Carl was right. The family had her and would call if he needed to get back. He dressed in his flannel sleep pants and old slayer shirt.

Gazing in their room, he watched Ian. Mercifully, his big ginger was asleep, not staring at the wall with tears. Carefully he eased into bed, getting close but not crowding Ian until he knew how much touch, if any, he could handle. He felt Ian stir.

”Hi Ian, It sounds like Carl got you taken care of, hmm, family, and our daughter kicked me out for the day. Love you, baby. Oh Ian, it’s ok. Mandy is with her; the boys are going to see her. Gonna lay right by you, ok?“

He did not expect a response, Carl said; besides tears, Ian had been nonverbal. He was startled by the horse voice. “Li..ly “

Mickey carefully reached to touch Ian’s arm, thankful there was no push away. “Our daughter is feeling better; little punk had the nerve to kick me out. Not thrilled, but Mandy backed her up. That's fine; she was smiling when I left. Wanna FaceTime? Don’t even hafta open your eyes, darling, just listen.” The nod is minuscule, but there.

He rang Mandy’s phone, and her eyes went gentle seeing Ian next to Mickey. “Hey bro, hey bestie. Wanna talk to a girl and her unicorn?” She handed Lily her phone.

”Daddy, hi! It’s ok; you don’t have to talk or anything. I love you. Papa can update you later, ok, but I feel better today, I promise. I even ate half a bagel. Papa, can you call me later, ok?”

Mickey felt Ian relax as Lily blew kisses.Silently, he became the big spoon as they both went back to sleep.

***

”Dude, don’t have a preference; boobs are boobs.”

”So Sandy’s boobs?“ 

“ Really? Do I bring your mom’s girlfriends boobs into this?”

”Um, mom barely has time for dad, no less a side piece.”

”Didn’t your dad date Mandy back in the day?“

”Yeah, she has nice boobs.”

Lily opened her eyes and stared at her cousins, Frankie and Fred. Lily was the baby of the cousins, and Freddy was 19 and Frankie was 20. Like Liam, they teased and doted on her. She, like Liam, adored them. Even when they were being idiots.

”You are so lucky I am on anti-nausea medications or I would hurl all over you.”

” Lily!” 

They flung themselves at her, hugging her awkwardly.

She watched them amused. “Why are you wearing masks? Even the doctors don’t.”

Wordlessly, Fred handed her the phone and opened his messages.

UncleMick: Tweeldee, I heard you two are headed to see Lily. Wear a mask, or I am making you drink bleach and stapling you in a hazmat suit.” 

Lily rubbed her eyes.

”Wow, just thought when he was mellowing.” Lily said more to herself than her cousins. 

Frankie sat at the foot of her bed. “Usually Uncle Mick's rants are harmless. Kinda when Bazooka sits by you and barks for food. I think in this instance, he would bite and make good on the threat.”

Fred sat on the couch that had been refolded and watched her. “So besides surgery, internal bleeding, seizures, and an infection, how are you doing? Damn Lil, you need to stop being an overachiever.”

She flipped them off, something she would not do around her dads. Mickey was ok with it, but got a bit overbearing if she did it too much. Which was fine; their petite cousin had other ways of making her feelings known.

She looked up and chewed her bottom lip. “I just want to go home. To my own room and bed. I want to see Daddy and the dogs and not have anyone poke me or wake me up to ask questions every four hours. It’s just a few more days in here, but soon I will be in and out for chemo. You guys won’t take off the mask; you are not smuggling me out.” 

Frankie nodded. “Look, even if your dads did not tear off the balls, I do not yet have; we gotta leave you right here. But we can offer you a nurse-approved Kit Kat and a few rounds of cards against humanity.” Her smile lit the room. She ate one half a Kit Kat and drank an apple juice. Frankie bitched about his mom still not fully understanding his transition.

By the time Tami came in, Lily was tired but in much better spirits. Her cousins hugged her and said they would swing by in a day. Aunt Tammi watched Lily hopefully eye her coffee. 

“Sorry, sweet girl, Lip and Mickey, Iggy and Liam reminded me no coffee several times, but I did grab your hibiscus green tea. Now I have the stuff to hook up your sink, but you gotta get in the wheelchair.” Lily took a few swigs of tea and let Tami wheel her in to the bathroom. She pulled out the portable rest that let Lily rest her head and the hose sprayer for the faucet. 

“So you kicked Mickey Gallagher out of the hospital. Impressive sweetie. He has been kicked out of bars, grocery stores, and Michael’s Crafts.”

”My cheer competition,“ Lily added as she leaned into the soapy scalp massage.

”Oh, I forgot about that. No sure how; Lip watches it on his phone for fun. But he has never been tossed out of a hospital. He do that trying not to sulk, sulk?”

”Yep,” Lily giggled. 

Tami watched, her face settling into deep thought. Lily was the youngest of the family and the youngest in a male-heavy world. She always held her own. But her greatest personal amusement is the way she handled her papa. Tami did not like Mickey when they first met. She was postpartum and overrun in a house, now adding Ian’s prison boyfriend. She realized very quickly he was more to Ian and all the Gallagher’s. Ian and Mickey loved each other on a level Tammi had never witnessed. He cared for Ian, Frankie, and Fred. When Lip was still not fully in recovery, Mickey would just text her that he paid Fred’s swim lessons, the rent, or let Fred use him like a jungle gym so she could have some time to herself. Then Mandy was pregnant, and Lily became theirs.

Suddenly the tough-looking man was calling her on teething and onsies and recipes to hide veggies. From her first words, everyone knew the toddler had Papa's number. Problem was Lily knew too. She obeyed both her dads and was a good kid, but she could crumble Mickey like a cookie. 

The fact that they almost lost her, Lip and Tami, tried not to think that, just be there. She was thrilled at how relaxed her niece looked. She sat her up and dried her hair with a fluffy pink towel she grabbed from the shop. 

“Lily, if you sit there, I can French braid your hair. Might be better off your face.”

Lily nodded.

After, Tammi helped Lily do her required walk down the hall, and they watched  Tik Tok as the nurses popped in and out. When Liam showed up, Lily was napping. Liam kissed Tammi and sat watching Lily like she would disappear into thin air.

”Liam, are you ok?” Tammi asked, concerned.

As always, Liam was thoughtful in his response. “When I was little, Fi, Lip, and Ian kept us all fed and housed. Loved. But Frank and Monica, you know enough. The house was chaos and survival. My siblings love me, but still I was alone on my own, too young really. Then you guys took me in, and I know you were happy to do it. Lip was still drinking too much; you all had a lot going on. Mickey and Ian, I needed dads. I needed Lily. I love being her big brother. I don’t like this type of chaos and pain in her life.”

Tammi hugged him. “No one does; it is so much to take in. I love you, Liam.”

He hugged her back. ”I love you too.” 

***

When Mandy arrived, Liam was sharing door-dash soup dumplings with his sister and taking selfies being posted to Gallagher Family chat. Lily happily filled her aunt in on the day.The trio FaceTimed, and Mickey was happily tucking into a big plate of pasta that Mandy had made and frozen.

His face registered delighted as Lily prattled on about seeing everyone and how good her hair felt.She then looked around, asking for Ian.

”Bored with Papa already cupcake? It’s ok; Daddy is easier on the eyes. Give us a minute. Uncle Lip is helping him out, getting him back to bed. Ok, all clear. Hey Firecrotch, wanna say goodnight to our girl?” 

Lip waved as he settled Ian into bed.Ian's eyes were red and teary, his movements slow, but looking at Lily, there was more life.

”Baby girl…love you.”

Mickey sat on the bed as Lip let himself out so they could both see her. She showed Ian her hair and gave Mickey her food intake. Mickey finally looked at his sister.

”You get the small redhead to sleep; I will tackle the big one.” He smirked.

***

By the time Mandy finished Lily’s nails, she was yawning and a bit groggy from the evening meds. She curled on her side in bed and cried a bit, telling Mandy it always ached worse at night. Mandy carefully crawled in, Lily even smaller with her weight loss, and cuddled her like when she was little.

”Aunt Mandy?”

"Yes, my love?” 

“When I feel better, can you make me green borscht like Grandma made for you and Papa?“ 

”Lily, I can, but how do you know about that baby?”

”Grandma told me when I was in that induced coma.”

Mandy peered over to see Lily’s face serious.

”Lily?”

”Grandma Laura, and well, Monica, she did not want me to call her that, said it made her feel old. Grandma pointed out she was also dead. They hung out when Terry first moved them to that house. They watch us.”

Mandy just hummed, thinking this was a dream in the coma.

She told me to tell you, “ty dobre zrobyv, moya malenʹka kvitko, ya lyublyu svoyikh mylykh kachenyat” (you did well, my tiny flower; I love my ducklings).”

Mandy stopped, and tears flooded her eyes. Lily did not speak Ukrainian, but her pronunciation was perfect. Tiny Flower was Laura’s nickname for her, and she would  call her and Mickey her little ducklings because they always followed behind her. With those words she could feel her mom as she held Lily tight.

As Lily dropped off, she whispered, “I love you, Aunt Mandy.”

”Baby girl, I love you too.”

”Goodnight, mama.” Lily said as she drifted off.

.

.

t

”

.

(

Chapter Text

Mickey downed his coffee as he made this trek yet again. Ian was down, Lily was getting better, and Mickey could breathe. If everything looked good, Lily could be discharged tomorrow. He wants their girl home. 

He nodded at Joel, the security guard who always asked how the kids were doing. The children’s hospital feels like a second family already. That fact should sadden him, but it was comfort. These people cared about Lily.

Up on the 7th floor, he made his way to the nurses station. Mike was there, and wordlessly, Mickey handed him a coffee. Mike smiled and asked. ”How is Ian doing?”

Mickey smiled. This morning Ian wanted a longer shower and ate one piece of peanut butter toast with his medicine. He was coming back.

”Yeah, starting to be awake more, antsy to get Lily home, well we all are.”

Mike laughed. "Well, Lily is also chomping at the bit. She is so over this place and us. This morning she told me if one more dietary aid suggested an extra jello or pudding, she was "going to make a shiv and stab him in the eye.’ Don’t look so horrified, dad; our older kids say a lot of things, Shiv, ha ha, that girl has an imagination on her.”

”Uh, yeah, she does.“ Mickey agreed weakly. Despite their very detailed parenting plan, he and Ian were who they were, as was the family. Iggy, Colin, Carl, and even Debbie had told her about shivs. It was a fun conversation in kindergarten when she tried to make one out of a crayon.

Speaking of reformed troublemakers, Carl and Lily came zooming down the hall, wheelchair racing. Carl had the good grace to hit his breaks. Lily turned to see why her uncle stopped and rammed right into Mickey.

”Lily Gazer Gallagher, what are you thinking? I know you don’t have a wheelchair in your room; you can’t just go lifting them to race your idiot and cop uncle, who should know better.” 

“When he was my age, Daddy got busted with Uncle Lip stealing that Porsche, and you have hot wired cars, Papa.”

”Sick or not, you do not talk back.”

”Not talking back, just stating fact.”

”Sure you are, thin line, Lily, thin line. You eat, like, really eat today?”

”Hospital food bites; I don’t want it.”

”I will send Carl to get you something, besides a smoothie or Pink Berry.”

Carl and Mike watched them bicker as Mickey wheeled her to her room.

”For all your sakes, I think Lily needs to be home.” Carl said.

”Yeah, it’s time. She needs a break from this place. Only bummer is I don’t get to chat with her uncle.” Mike said with a flush.

Carl was bi, and he thought Mike was rugged and handsome. He smiled and grabbed a pen and a notepad from the nurses station. He wrote down his number and handed it to him.

“We could keep talking over dinner sometimes,” Carl said.

Lily stuck her head out the door of her room and groused at her uncle. ”I agreed to my spleen removal for not being a wingman for one of my many horny uncles. I am so telling Daddy when I get home.” She floated back into her room, and Carl cracked up.

”Well, I better get back. The next family member she threatens with is my older sister; she raised us and still has weird power over us. But seriously, call me; let’s go out.”

Mike went back to work, a smile plastered on his lips.

***

Carl walked in, Lily was glaring, and Mickey was laughing.

”You gonna tap that ass officer?” Mickey questioned.

”Let you know after our date.” He winked 

Lily agreed to eat, and Carl said he would head to the Thai place across from the hospital and get Lily Tom Kha Gai. The family noticed she ate more of a soup or açaí bowl than a meal. Ian and Mickey were concerned, as was her doctor. Before discharge, they would be having the weight conversation. Mickey wished Ian could be here for it, but it had to be had today.

***

Their daughter ate her soup, and Mickey was immensely pleased. Lily, after being cooped up, was not. 

She sniffed at him, and Mickey heard Iggy in her total dismissal of his excitement.

”Papa, you know I have been using a spoon by myself for 12 years.”

”Yeah, let’s call it 10, you flung a crap ton at me until you were ready for kindergarten. Kidding aside, Punk, I know you aren’t feeling food, but the chemo is not going to help that either. We are going to work on it, baby.“

Wrong answer.

”Work on what? I just ate. Also, who are we? We always mean you and Daddy. That we come up with what I do. So if it was we, me, everyone would leave me the fuck alone.” Her eyes were frosty, shutting him out, baiting him.

He took the bait because she was getting smaller and he knew the alternative.

”Oh yeah, it is we, Lily. Forgive Daddy and I for making sure you are okay. And yeah, you are fourteen, Lily. Daddy and I are still going to worry; make hard decisions to protect you. And there is nothing in the world to make me leave you the fuck alone.“

Lily narrowed her eyes. “Daddy was having sex and running an underground fight club; you were, well, up to all kinds of sketchy shit. No one listens to me.”

Round Two was spared because Iggy walked in holding a bag. He had heard the shouting.

”Everybody in one piece? If this is a classic Milkovich bitch fest, my money is on Lily. My brother has slowed with age and always hit like a bitch. My Lily Girl has Mands inner rage and a great right hook that Colin taught her.”

Neither spoke.

”Mick, take a walk.“

Mickey did not move.

Iggy walked him to the door. “If Ian was here, he would tell you to pause. She is at you because you are safe for her.Take a walk.” Iggy seldom played the big brother card, but he did now.

Mickey looked at Lily. “This conversation is not over, tough girl. You need to eat, and so help me; if I have to sit at the motherfucking table and watch you eat, I will. You will follow whatever the doctor says. Do you understand me, young lady?”

The response shocked both brothers. Lily threw the leftover soup container at her papa, bits splattering his jacket as she rolled over and ignored him. 

Mickey reached like he was going to unbuckle his belt. He and Iggy gasped at Mickey's response. Iggy pulled him in, hard, for a hug.

”Bro, you all are being pulled too thin; that meant nothing, ok. Just let me take a run at Hurricane Lily.”

Iggy protected Mickey and Mandy in his own way when they were kids. Candy or chips would be in the bed when Terry decided the food in the house was off limits. Shoplifted jackets. As they got older, they drifted apart. Ian was the one who brought them back together. Then Lily.

Iggy had a tight relationship with his niece. Really deep stuff; she often talked to him when it was hard to talk to him and Ian. They got each other, and like he did with Mickey and Mandy, he got her in his own off-beat way. 

Mickey hugged Iggy back. Now, as adults, they were learning to show affection to one another. Mickey nodded and fled, trying to process what just happened.

***

Mickey walked down the hall and went into an empty lounge. He called Heather's emergency number; five minutes later, she called.
 He sputtered as she asked what was going on.

”Lily’s whole life, no one except that shit with Lip ever put their hands on her. Ian and I never considered it. Not when she took off her pull-up and put it in the dishwasher, not when she colored a whole damn wall, or when she ditched school and had an edible. She won’t eat much, Heather; we may have to agree to a feeding tube if this continues. She hates the hospital, I know. But she threw shit at me. It’s all too much. Heather, I reached for my belt. She has cancer, and I am finally turning into Terry."

He broke down.

Heather was careful, knowing Mickey. 
“Mickey, a kneejerk reaction in a time of stress you did not follow up on and panicked about is not your father. Even with cancer, what would Terry have done if you did that?”

He did not respond, but a shiver worked down his spine. 

Heather took the silence as a win.

”Mickey, not saying it was your greatest moment. You are stressed and caring for two people you love; even with help, it is a lot. Lily is stressed and scared, and we know she has your number. Who is with her right now?”

“Iggy,“ he wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

”He pulls her out of her head; let him take this. Back the doctors. It’s hard, even ill; she has boundaries and consequences. Taking those away might confuse her more. When Ian is more available, let’s do a session, ok? Mickey, you have this.”

***

Iggy regarded his niece as trying to ignore him with amusement. Lily was the 80/20 rule in real life. Mickey, to his amusement, was a strict parent, loving and supportive but strict. Lily was not allowed to date until 16 but could do group dates with permission; she was not allowed to pierce her ears. Her school came first. Both she and Liam towed the line and were seemingly content to do so. Parts of her were easy, and she was a sunny, well-mannered kid. But when she wanted to push or was unhappy, Lord, help them all. Without the violence of the Milkovich family, she still had their short fuse. Mickey was often the one she pushed to his limits.

His little brother never hit her. No one did. He knew Mickey felt like shit. No one but him and Mickey could even have known what that gesture was. He understood how thin Mickey was stretched, how guilty Ian felt, and how unsettled Liam was. The only person he had no read on was Lily.

Lily Girl. 

Iggy tried to protect Mickey and Mands when they were young. It was easier when Laura was there, pre-drugs. They together hid things from Terry. Then, at 11, he was with Colin, the thin line between Terry and the younger kids. They stole food. There was only food when Terry wanted to eat, and he never shared. His food, his rules, dear old dad would say.

They stole clothes and tooth brushes. Period stuff for Mands later in life. Most importantly, they ran interference from Terry. Terry had this belt, had it forever. After the nun smothered him, Iggy did go back. He snuck in, stole the belt, and burned it. 

All the boys had scars from it, not Mandy. But Iggy learned the scars Terry left in her, in Mickey. But as kids, they would jump in and try to take the worst of the beating. But Iggy started getting locked up, and his ability to protect lessened. Mandy got out; Mickey got out. 

And now the best part of them was closing herself off. 

He sat by her bed and tickled her foot.

”Hey, are you trying out for the Sox with a pitch like that? What did that poor defenseless soup do to you? Or your papa, for that matter?”

She turned to look at Iggy, and his heart was crushed at her forlorn glance. He opened his arms, and she burrowed in. The tears seemed to go on forever, and her hysteria caused a doctor to come in to order a sedative. Iggy had never seen this, but the floor had. Sometimes the enormity of the situation broke the older kids down to the point of inconsolable. They knew from the sheer force of the hysterics that Lily, only one week post-op, would be in pain later. Iggy held her while they gave her an injection.

He carried her to the window seat, sick to his stomach at how light she was. They sat, and he waited.

A small voice “Sorry about the snot, Uncle Iggy, but it’s an ugly shirt anyway.”

He kissed her head, "says the girl rocking a hospital gown. Besides, in your life, you have peed and puked on me more times than I can count. Lily bean, what is in that head of yours?”

She looked at him defeated. “No one asks me, Uncle Iggy.”

He raised a brow, confused. “Ask what Lily.“

”I never care about homework rules, dating rules, all that; everybody gets that. Even if Papa gets a bit overzealous about weird things like my dresses and language. But now it’s like my life, literally my life, and no one asks me about it. I mean, I don’t want to die yet. I want to go to Notre Dame like Liam and be old enough to date without Papa hiding behind me three rows back. I want to go to Ireland with Aunt Mandy and Pat and go back to Mexico. See Frankie fully transition. Be here when Uncle Joey gets out of prison so I can slug him for being an idiot and going back. 

So yeah, this is awful. I hurt, like hurt I can’t even describe. I hate this port; I want to claw it out. Chemo is going to fucking stink. I am so afraid of it. And I love my hair, and it is going to go away. I am going to look like a freak, a sick freak. But given all that, I knew I needed and wanted to get treatment. 

Papa did not ask, and Daddy did not ask. I did not even go to the doctor when all this was discussed. You all told me what was going to happen. No one asked me about my port; they just told me I was getting it put in. I hate this thing; it creeps me out. No one asked me how I felt about being in a break from cheer. I was just told. No one asked me about my online classes when I can’t be at school; they just registered me. Hell, no one even asked what I wanted in my hospital bag; Aunt Mandy packed it like I was two. Like my IQ dropped a hundred points because I have cancer. Like, I don't understand anymore. 

I don't want to eat Uncle Iggy. I have no idea why, but my body and brain are just not about it. I eat what I do to not freak Daddy, Papa, and Liam out. My body does not care about food anymore. I am not hungry. I get it; I need more calories. And you all are, hush hush, let’s keep the secret. I know if this keeps up, it will happen. I will get a feeding tube, and no one will even ask me. You heard, Papa, they will just do it. Like I didn't even get a courtesy conversation, just a young lady. This is what is going to happen; don’t talk back. Don’t be angry or annoyed. I am just really angry at all of you for leaving me out of my own life.”

Iggy felt like shit stuck to a shoe. They all smothered her a bit, he knew. It came from making sure their shitty childhoods were not hers. For Iggy, seeing Mandy live her best adult life, Lily was to be given the childhood his baby sister never had. 

But she was right; her cancer was impacting all their lives, but they keep forgetting that it is her life. 

“Ok, Lily Bean, wanna tell us all?“

a shake of the head 

“How about you group text it if you can’t tell us all off in person?”

She nodded and kissed his cheek.

”Thank you, Uncle Iggy, for getting it. I think I need a nap; this medicine is not a fun high, just a sleepy one. You should make sure Papa is not beating up a vending machine by now."

He kissed her, giving her space.

*** 

He was heading to check in with Mickey when his phone pinged with a family text. From Lily.

Cancer kid. I am not used to this referring to me; I hate it. I know you all hate it too.It feels like just the words squeeze me tight. A waistband that digs in. It hurts. You all want me to keep tugging at it to make it feel better.

I know you all love me, and this is hard for you all as well. But every time I try to adjust, it’s like my hand is slapped away. You have secret hush-hush calls and texts. You all panic. I get it. But I feel like you all think my IQ dropped 100 points since the diagnosis. No one asks what I feel about this; hell, even my crappy hospital meals get chosen by Daddy and Papa. I just want to feel like Lily again. Not Lily with cancer, who is too broken to even choose the slippers she brings to the hospital. But no one asks about what I am thinking, just how I am feeling. 

Alone, I cry, scream, and curse. More than a few times, after everyone is asleep, I hide in the bathroom on my knees, head in my hands. Then for you all, I wipe my face. Put on a smile. And I want to scream being left out of my own life. Kinda pissed at you all for pushing me aside when I am the one who has to do the treatment.

You are the best family in the whole world, especially since Gallagher’s and Milkovich’s are all high-maintenance whackadoodles. But you are my whackadoodles, and I couldn’t picture my world without any of you. Please let me be in the loop with you all; it is my life. Love you, Lily Bean.

💕💕💕💕🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻💕💕💕🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻

***

Mickey sat outside as Iggy approached; he glanced at his phone, and his eyes welled.

” Fuck”

Tammi and Liam were golfing when the phones pinged.

”Oh Lily”

Lip and Carl were helping Ian in the shower after they all opened their phones.

Lip and Carl held Ian as he cried.

Sandy, Debbie, Frankie, and Fred were at Debbie’s playing cards.

”Fuck,“ Sandy spat, hugging Debbie.

Mandy opened her phone at the store, read it, and then went to cry in the car.

They all promised themselves to do better to talk to Lily and not over her again.

***

Lily was just waking up when she saw the tall redhead in her door.

”Oh, hey Lily, I was supposed to drop some things off for Amanda; I didn’t mean to wake you.”

”Hi Pat, I think Aunt Mandy is on her way." She hesitated, “You could hang here if you want.”

”You sure?” He smiled

She shrugged. ”Sure, besides, I have questions for you about your intentions with my aunt.”

Chapter Text

Pat moved slowly, taking off his coat and hanging it up. Lily had been this vision from afar. Amanda’s home had pictures all over of Lily. Ian and Mickey are holding a five-pound baby girl. Lily on her trike. Her and Amanda in selfies, making cupcakes, curled in a hammock in Mexico. Her cheer pictures from five until a few months ago. Lily and Liam with their dads, their dogs, and each other. Her fathers were doing an amazing job creating this strong young woman.

Mickey and Ian allowed him to see her in visits of FaceTime when she was with Amanda. It was never awkward but not overly warm. Neutral. She knew he was her biological father. He had no other children; it had been hard when Amanda said she was giving Lily up for adoption at first. But the reality was that Lily would not be safe as his illegitimate child, and Amanda was more traumatized by her father than anyone but him knew. As a present, he had Terry's bones dug up, and they went on a week-long road trip as she threw his pieces in several dumps.

Full time, she knew she could not give their baby what she needed, but her brother and best friend could. She never regretted it, and neither did Pat. But right now, though she was Ian and Mickey's little girl, he was sitting near his daughter. And it was enough. He looked at her; Amanda was right; Lily was no longer petite but gaunt. Her pale skin was now translucent, purple bags above freckles. Her red hair, usually in curls, was braided. She sat cross-legged on her bed and accepted his help adjusting her pillows behind her.

Amanda said Lily had a lot of Mickey in her; she just says what she says. Today was no exception.

”Is Aunt Mandy staying with you in a hotel right now?”

”She is. When we can coordinate schedules, I rent the best place for Amanda.”

”You had a kid with her; you rent her too? Happy to be alive and all, even with all this, but you pay extra for no condom?" Her eyebrows raised and arched to her hairline.

Pat's green eyes that matched hers held her gaze.

”Feel the way you need about me, Lily, but do not drag Amanda into this. No one talks about her like that, not even you. Amanda and I have not been clients and escorts for almost 16 years. Your aunt only takes clients that want arm candy, and even though my wife and I do not have sex, I moved out of my marital bed 17 years ago.“ 

She paused, taking it in. ”Why are you not divorced? I mean if you don’t love or like each other.”

He decided to level with her. “Our marriage was a business deal to merge families. She was 18 and I was twenty. Our two families decided to become one, and to seal the deal, I was to marry the other head boss's daughter. The rumor was she was frigid; in my heart, I believe she’s a lesbian who has not been able to find that piece of herself. I did not want to marry; I was a young man. And I was not attracted to her. When I told my father that I was going to refuse, I was tied to a tree at the mansion and was beaten by my father and my grandfather. I married her with 100 marks from my shoulders to my thighs. Which was fine on our wedding night. She had built a wall of pillows between us and told me it would be over her dead body before we consummated the marriage. Lily, because she chose to be celibate, expected that of me. I couldn’t do it, but I couldn’t have an affair. The families heavy religious obligations made it impossible to leave. I began to hire escorts by the time I was 21. When I met Amanda, she was the most beautiful, intriguing woman I ever saw. So yes, I did pay for Amanda's services, but not for long. And by the time she was pregnant with you, I was having an affair with her, not caring what my wife, who despises me, thinks.” He ran his head against the back of the chair and watched something in Lily soften.

”Papa was forced to marry a prostitute when he was younger. My grandfather was an evil man; he thought that by doing that, Daddy and Papa would never get together again. But if your wife hates you, why can’t you just divorce? I mean, you’re not kids anymore, and well, I looked you up. You kind of run things, or at least that is what the paper says. Can’t you say screw it?" Pat watched Lily try to adjust, and her face wrenched with pain.

”I,, Well, it’s not that easy. In our family, it is code that you stay married forever. Divorcing her would cause a riff in the harmony our family has created. I can love Amanda, but I am not allowed to have her as my wife.”

Lily shook her head. “So where do I fit in this poor you scenario? You got her pregnant, Pat, and I wouldn’t change being with my papa and daddy for anything; they are my real fathers; they are my only fathers, but you gave me up without a fight.”

Pat watched her face; there was a brief flash of anger, but then loss.

”That is not exactly true, Lily. Amanda was happy that she was pregnant, but your grandfather has done some things to her and her body and her mind that she can’t get past. When she was pregnant with you, she just thought that you belonged with Mickey and Ian. I knew we couldn’t keep you, and it wasn’t like I wasn’t excited that I had a child in the world; I just knew you had to be somewhere else. You needed a normal childhood and needed your dads. This way, you still have your aunt Amanda. I didn’t know where you fit in my life when you were little because we didn’t want to confuse you. Now that you’re getting older, I don’t need you to be my daughter in that sense. You are the daughter of two very kind men. I would like perhaps that we learn maybe to be friends, that would make me incredibly happy.“

Lily fidgets with her hands in her lap and thinks about what he said. She looked at him and gave a smile.

”I suppose we could try friends. I mean, my family is complicated and weird enough—room for one more. But if I’m your friend, I have to tell you, as your friend, you’re an idiot for not marrying my aunt. I’m sitting here without a spleen and about to start having poison pump through my body to keep me from dying, possibly your argument. It is pretty freaking lame. You love her. As I get older, she guesses more and more about the time you spent together. If you’re going to be part of this family and kind of my, I don’t know, dad friend, you need to know we’re Gallagher's, and to be part of us, you better nut up as my Aunt Debbie says.”

Pat smiled at her. She had the same crooked smile as him. “OK, I will work on nutting up. Changing the subject, I heard you’re having a hard time eating. As your friend, I think you should find a way to eat. A feeding tube is a crap alternative. Hell, I will even DoorDash whatever your nurse approves.”

”I think if you ask Mike the charge nurse, he will say OK to anything, he wants to bang my uncle.”

Pat snorted, "OOK, you gotta give me a little more. You’ve got a lot of Uncles  on both sides, which one?”

”Uncle Carl. I swear if I have to go out there and watch them make goo goo, eyes to each other one more time, I’m going to puke on somebody's shoes. They are totally cute together, but I don’t know it’s my nurse. It’s weird”

”I get it; that would be weird.but happiness for Carl is better. Also, don’t tear my head off, but I agree with everyone. You either need to start eating or get help why you’re not. You’re not on chemotherapy yet, and while your appetite may have decreased, you are slowly wasting away. If your dad agrees with the doctor that you need a feeding tube, you’re not going to be happy, but you’re going to be safe. They’re terrified for you, and they’re being strong, which makes me laugh, not caring about your feelings. Their child, you, are their world. And I’ve watched you from afar for all of these years, and they are with the rest of your family are your world as well. “

Lily went quiet, and as she sat for a moment and in deep thought, she reminded him of his sister, Claire. Fiery and intelligent, she was trying to find words for what was going on not in her brain, but Pat realized her heart. Soon she looked up at him, tears falling out of her mottled jade.

”I guess since you’re a friend, maybe I can trust you with this. I know it sounds stupid, childish, and ridiculous, but something in the back of my mind keeps telling me if I starve so the cancer. If I don’t feed it, it will leave me alone. Pat, I want it to leave me alone and am desperate for it to leave me alone. I don’t know how I’m going to mentally survive them taking these horrible toxic drugs and putting them in the stupid port that they’ve put in some kind of machine waiting to be filled up. I can't pull the port out, but I can control the food. I’m not trying to, not on purpose anymore, but my brain just goes to if I don’t eat that then it goes away. I know medically it doesn’t work like that; however, it’s just something stuck in my brain. I now get how Daddy  has his voices; it’s so damn hard to shut them up.”

As she began to cry, Pat reached over to comfort her, and her head snuggled into his chest. He held her and rubbed her back. He wanted to cry as well. He thought that she needed someone to just be strong for her in the minute. He never thought too much about that—the holding her as something. He missed out on it until now. He and Amanda gave their child to the best parents they knew.

Since the first time he saw a picture of her as a newborn in their arms, he never questioned that decision in his mind. His child’s parents were the ones in his heart when he prayed that they were meant by God to raise his love child. He didn’t hold her when she was born, skinned her knee, or had a bad day. He was a man of faith and believed in his religion. So he reveled in holding his daughter for the first time and prayed as he held her, Take away this burden of pain she carried. 

Neither of them saw Mickey in the doorway, just watching it all unfold.

When Lily stopped crying, she looked at Pat and took a deep breath.

”What do I do now? I still am afraid to eat, and I got so mad today. I threw something at Papa. What if it’s too much for them and their mental health—me being sick? Do you think everything that’s about to happen will make  them regret having me too much; they shouldn’t have taken me from Aunt Mandy.”

Before Mickey could chime in, Pat gave her a kiss on the cheek and sat at the edge of her bed, holding her hand.

”I’ve heard them all say it 1000 times. Lily Gazer Gallagher, you stop that right now. Mickey and Ian are wonderful, loving men. You, with your brother, their entire world. I know many things—things that I am sure of and things I have faith in. And your dad’s make me sure and have faith that you will be loved and cared for your entire life. You are their child, and that’s all that matters—you getting well. Mickey Gallagher is stubborn about many things, apparently according to your aunt, just like you. I can guarantee you he is not angry that you threw that but very concerned for your mental state right now. Just apologize to him and figure it out with him and Ian. Like everyone else, I am about to shamelessly bribe you with food. The restaurant at the Drake mixes mind-blowing peanut butter chocolate milkshakes. How about I doordash you a large one, and you can at least sip it and share it with your papa when you talk?”

Pat looked up and saw Mickey in the doorway. It was clear he had overheard Lily‘s fear about eating and killing the cancer. He stood up, kissed her  forehead, and then looked at Mickey.

”Well, Lily, Lily, my friend. I think it’s time for me to go, and you hang out with your papa. I’ll have some milkshakes sent up here to your room. I know you don’t feel this way right now, but you’ve got this.”

She smiled a sweet smile. ”Oh, thank you, Pat; if you ever want to swing by with Aunt Mandy, I guess that would be kind of nice. Thank you for giving me to my dad's, and I guess for us figuring out a friendship.” 

Pat put on his coat, waved to Lily, and then walked by, giving Mickey’s shoulder a squeeze.

”You and Ian. Mandy was right; God designed you both before you even met to be destined to be the perfect men to have raised and keep racing that perfect gift over there. Thank you, and thank Ian.”

He walked out, ordering Lily milkshake.

***

Mickey watched Lily drop her head and fidget. The telltale sign since she was about three when she knew she had pressed her luck. But he did not give a fuck about that—the text and what he overheard just then ringing in his ears. He made his way over to her and kicked off his Timberlines. 

He watched her, wanting to just wave his hand and take all this away from her. Ian and him were damn good dads, but even they were not that good.

”Shove over punk, for a tiny thing you hog up a bed.”

As soon as he settled in beside her, she curled up in his chest.

”So is bitchfest between us currently over or what?“ He rubbed her back, and she nodded into his chest. 

“Good, cause Papa is getting too old to be pulling out the rants,” she snorted into his shirt.

He adjusted her on her side, the head of the bed up, the room even with their touches, sterile and cold. He could not wait to bring her home to color and sound with them. Great, the two of them are both prone to stumbling on words, let alone figuring it out.

”Message received on the text, Lily. We will talk with you, but Daddy and I are the ones that need to make adult final decisions. And um... did I hear right about you feeling like you are getting these messages in your head about food?” Another itty-bitty sniff into Ian’s flannel he had thrown on thus morning.

”Ok, so both sides of this family are kind of champs at hearing internal voices. Daddy, more so, he has a fucking PHd in taming them. Lily, we can’t help you fight if we don't know what is all going on. I think it's your choice; we need for you to see Erin or Heather. We gotta get hold of this before the chemo.”

She fiddled with Mickey's Iwatch. “I didn’t mean to, well, I did mean to throw that at you. Not because I was mad at you, just mad at the whole thing. I’m sorry, papa.“

He held her, just feeling how frail and paper thin she appeared.

“I know Punk, I know. Lily, you gotta keep one thing in that head of yours. Me and Daddy never think this is too much. Our lives would be incomplete without you. Daddy and I had a lifetime of crazy fucking shit happen to us before the age of 25, pfft tumor, barely in the top ten. Lily, Daddy, and I are going nowhere, ok?”

He wanted to say more, but he knew after today she was at her emotional breaking point and just needed to be held.

True to his word, Pat sent the shake with an extra cup and straw. Mickey divided it up and gave in and watched an old episode of Gilmore Girls with her, muttering how he was going to turn into an eunuch for watching this sappy shit. But he noticed 11 sips of shake before she set it down. The doctor noticed too as he came in.They called Ian, and both he and Lily were thrilled to see him sitting up, more aware. The med adjustment was working.

The doctor laid it out for them. Lily was underweight, staggering so. The doctor cautioned that there were many ways to maintain a healthy weight. For her age and being 5-3, they expected her to be about 110 give or take. Her last cheer checkup six months ago had her at 106. She was now 90 pounds. When they talked about therapy, Lily whimpered, and Mickey curtly told them they had someone for her and that he didn’t let just anyone get in his kids brains. The plan was reached. In three weeks, Lily would start her first round of chemotherapy. If she had not gained at least five pounds, for safety, they would need to do a feeding pouch. Mickey and Ian asked questions while Lily just clung to Mickey.

But everything else was doing well, and Lily would be disharaged in the morning.

She could go home.

Chapter Text

Mickey and Mandy were both up at five am, and in role reversal, Ian was sleeping deep. The siblings had coffee and just sat in excited silence. Lily came home today. After almost 2 weeks, their girl would be home. Liam and Carl were going to help Ian get up and on the couch. He was adamant that he didn’t want to be curled up in bed. He kept asking, when is Lily Girl coming home?

So exactly 8 AM on the dot, Mickey and Mandy stood up, tossed on jackets, and hugged Ian, now on the couch. They both checked the steps as they left. It has been icy out since the snowstorm happened two days ago. Freddy, Frankie, and Liam had shoveled the porch and the walkway, making sure that it was salted and nonslip. Mickey was having a flashback to this tiny little infant and getting her home from the hospital. He must’ve checked the car seat eight or nine times and even more.

They drove slowly, Mickey cursing at any car, even 5 feet away from them. Neither wanted to carry her up the stairs, afraid of tipping the car seat, even though she was strapped in. When they stepped over the threshold of their door with their baby girl, they both breathed out a sigh of relief. That’s what he was feeling now, wanting to breathe again as Lily walked in the door at home. 

They got to the hospital at 8:30 and headed up to the seventh floor like they had done all these days. Nurse Mike was on duty and waved to the siblings.
”Lily is in fine form this morning. I told the doctor, please make her first on the rotation so we can discharge her before she takes one of us out. But she’s pretty bouncy; she even let me do her hair in a top knot, so I’m her favorite nurse right now.” Mike laughed and went to do rounds. 

Mickey and Mandy headed over and into Lily’s room. Lily was already dressed in her sweats, big baggy T-shirt, and striped socks and was waiting with her converse on the ground and sneaky bastard stuffed into her backpack. Mike  said she let him do a messy top knot, and her curls were spinning around.

It was uncanny some thing they knew she had picked up by mimicking Ian; all those years when he stayed home with her, her right leg was bouncing slightly like Ian's, kind of rolling as she waited. And best of all, she had the chin going.

Ian Clayton Gallagher was known for his chin. Sharp and now slightly crooked from the beating by Mickey in that lot all those years ago. It was a signal when his husband was annoyed. He jutted it out, thrusting perfectly in front of his face. The defiant sharpness, ready to cut you like butter. Liam had it too, but not as the family joked the trademark Ian Gallagher chin. When  Lily was two and became a stay-at-home dad periodically, and then at three, her daddy transitioned to, as Mickey called it, stay-at-home superdad. Lily, at that age, was a super mimic. From two on anything, any movement that her family did that she found fascinating she tried to repeat. So now she chews her lip like papa, arches her brow like papa, and flew into little mini rants just like papa. For Daddy, she had perfected his calm level gaze, the smirk little shrug, the bouncing foot, and the infamous chin.

Mickey wanted to laugh at how adorable his pissed-off daughter was.

”Hey there, punk, what do you say we do a little prison break here?”

She looked at her papa and threw that level gaze, like, Daddy, and said,

"I’ve been ready to break out of here for about eight days. Papa, I get to go home, right? I didn’t get dressed and get packed and get ready for just, and I don’t know them to tell me I’m fucking stuck here. Don’t look at me like that. I feel fucking stuck here.”

Mandy turned and looked out the window, so her brother couldn’t see her giggle. Mickey still cursed like a drunken sailor on leave. And for some reason, it bothered him when Lily cussed. Ian wasn’t a fan of it either, but it definitely caused more angst for Papa. And Mandy knew in other situations well she would’ve been told by Mickey to make sure she knocked it off. But now he was letting it pass, and the fact that she did what Mickey called sass  and got away with it was pretty impressive. 

“Lily girl, yes, you had to go home today. If there were any concerns, Mike would’ve told me on the way in. We just have to wait for the doctor to officially discharge. You know I don’t like to wait either, but in this case, I think it’s worth it, don’t you?” 

Lily changed the subject.

“Papa, is Daddy feeling OK today? Is he feeling better? I am allowed  to go see him.” Lily sounded hopeful.

Mandy went over, opening a bottle of cranberry juice for Lily. ”Ian’s great, baby; he’s already dozing in and out on movies in the living room. He’s so eager to see you, baby, and you know he would’ve been here the past six days if he could, just this swing was pretty big.”

Lily nodded; she knew. Daddy’s swings could not always be stopped.Lily missed him; Daddy was her stay-at-home father for about five years. She was crazy about him with the same intensity but different intention than Papa. Papa was smaller but larger than life. Since toddlerhood, she was fascinated by his chest forward swagger, his teasing of Daddy, his rants, and his cussing, but he was the space she needed to curl up in when she needed to feel safe. The man who would threaten a Costco sample lady for not giving Liam a second sample for Daddy could hold any of them quietly and tenderly when they needed him.

Daddy was her window to the world and how she learned about strength. He taught her to swim, tie her shoe, and put on nail polish. He was chattier than Papa but could turn into silent steel when doing the best for them all. He accepted his medications because it kept him and them safe. His more level-headed parenting in the day to day made her feel noticed and prioritized.

Also, Papa was a loose canon, true, but Daddy was the silent threat. When Papas Bluster did not see desired effects, he released "the red-headed Kracken.”. When Ian’s protectiveness over his family bubbled over, people took notice. When she was three, apparently Uncle Lip spanked her. She did not remember it, but Daddy knocked Uncle Lip out and almost wrote him off. If Papa was her Batman, Daddy was Superman. She was ready to see him.

She let Mike take her vitals and openly pouted when, after the doctor came in, she had to wait for a wheelchair, arguing that they said she needed to walk around. 

Mickey and Mandy exchanged glances as all sass disappeared once they got to the doors.She chatted happily with Aunt Mandy as Papa went to bring the truck around. He pulled up, and she scowled as Mickey lifted her.

”I can get into the truck, papa.”

”Okay, but I got a twenty that says you can but cannot without hurting yourself, hoisting up. Also, maybe I just needed to hold you punk; give your old man a break.” He settled her in as Mandy climbed in the back.

Mickey looked at Mandy in the rear view mirror. “Stubborn thing, she gets that from my husband. Mandy snorted her Pepsi through her nose.

”Ian? She gets this from Ian? Mickey, she is basically a mini you in pigtails; no offense, baby.”

Lily twisted around and looked at Mandy. “No offense taken. Papa, you said figure out lunch. Can we get Khao man gai from that food truck in Boys Town?“ 

Mickey knitted his brow. “Baby, that is like 35 minutes away and traffic downtown,” he sputtered, seeing her lip wobble. “Fucking fine, hang on.”

He got on his phone.

”Yeah, Iggy, you take lunch yet ? I yeah got your niece; yes, I checked her out; no, I did not piss off any doctor on our way. Anyway, that’s not really a point Lily wants to eat. Khao man gai from that food cart that we took you and Sandy to that one day, I can text you the address. No, it has to be that food and that store, and I want to just get her home. Yeah, fucknut, come on. I will pay you overtime to do it. I know it’s downtown in the middle of the day, and I know everyone hates downtown in the middle of the day, but come on, you’re my fucking big brother, and this is for L.I.L.Y..”

Lily leaned forward and turned the phone onto the speakers of the car. “Papa, I know how to s.p.e.l.l. Been doing it since I was f.o.u.r. Uncle Iggy, if you get it for me, can you please get extra sauce? Oh, and Thai tea. Ask him if I can do half coconut and half tea; you know how I like it, and they know how I like it, and if you tell them it’s for me, and I’m pretty sure they’ll make it. Can you get an order of papaya salad for Aunt Mandy and for Liam, and oh, get some for Daddy? Do you want any papa?”

”Papa wants Taco Bell from the restaurant next to your Thai place. Igs, I will Venmo you some cash. Yeah, I’ll see you back at our place.”

He shook his head. 

”Best be taking more than a few bites from this little Miss. You bet I’m going to be checking plates. “

“Papa, the doctor said accept my food choices and amounts.” She smiled, looking out the window; by his silence, she knew she had won. 

***

They got home, and Lily let Mickey carry her out of the car, and she flew into the house, sitting on the floor in the foyer, hugging Baskooka and Rueger. She giggled as they kissed her face and whined.

”Hiya puppy butts m I missed you too, so much. Yes, who are my best house hippos? You  are." She played with them until Aunt Tammi came around the corner.

”Hey sweetie, I am glad you are back. You dad is getting showered and shaved, making a bit to do. Lip is with him right now.”

Lily sniffed herself and wrinkled her nose. “I am rank too; maybe I should jump in my shower.”

Mickey was fussing at the door. “Hold up, Lils; I will help you in a minute.”

Tammi jumped in, saving what was going to come out of Lily’s mouth, judging by the look on her niece's face.

”Mick, go check in with Ian. Lily, go get in the shower. I will come sit in at chat through the curtain, do your hair after, and be there in a minute.“

When Tammi heard the hall shower, she turned to Mickey.

”When the chemotherapy starts, Lily is going to need things, like help when the meds make her ill, but right now, she can still have her independence and not have her papa outside her shower. Go check on your husband. Take a deep fucking breath, Micke; savor she is home and feeling better because we both know it can change.”

She pushed him towards his room.

***

Lip looked up and smiled.

”He is in there getting dressed.” He nodded to the bathroom. “He is still a bit woozy, but he is staying awake more; you are right. And he is excited as fuck to see Lily. How is she doing?“

”Better than when that infection happened. Taking a shower, Tammi is keeping an eye. Lip, man, thank you for everything.“ Mickey's voice broke.

Lip hugged him. “We are family, man . You and Ian have helped Tams and me so much. We love Lily; you got us no matter what.”

" Gonna go get some of that leftover coffee cake so you and Ian can be all sweet without making me gag.” He flipped Mickey off on his way out. 

Mickey walked in to a clean, shaven ginger sitting on the tub lip, pulling his tee on.

Mickey made a low wolf whistle. ”How ya doing handsome?“

Ian grinned, "Pulling my own shirt on , thanks, feel accomplished. Where’s our girl?“

”Taking a shower“

Ian looked concerned. ”Shouldn't one of us be by the door just in case, she is still pretty rundown?”

Mickey looked smug. “Nah, man, we need to let her have space right now.”

”Really, says the man that combs through her social media like a covert operative. Lip or Tammy, give you a lecture.”

Mickey sat next to Ian, taking his redheads hand and kissing it. “Tami, because if I had my way, she would have water wings on and a life alert, fallen, and can’t get up bracelet right now. Heads up, still pissed on the weight and feeding tube issue. Is going to have us fetching snacks like her bitch for revenge. Which I am ok with; if she eats, I would drive to fucking Wisconsin for stale Fritos. Now, sugar tits, let’s get you set up on the couch. sure you are the next stop after your shower. You two have missed each other.”

ians eyes got dark. ”I have. Sorry I have not been there, Mick. I know this has been hard.“

”You’re back in the game Firecrotch; that’s all that matters now. Come on, let’s get you set up out there.”

Mickey had just settled Ian propped up on the couch when Lily came out in Liam’s track pants that hung off her and a Hello Kitty sleep shirt. She hugged Uncle Lip, but seeing Daddy, she booked it to the couch and crawled up on him, lying on top of him, head on her shoulder.

Hi daddy," she murmured around his shirt, snuggling in deeper.

Ian looked down and had a series of Deja vu. Newborn Lily, on his chest after fussing for an hour. Three year old, fighting a nap. At five, needing a nap as she adjusted to kindergarten. And now needing a deeper level of comfort.

”Hi, my girl, oh baby girl, I missed you. I am so glad you’re home.” He cuddled her. 

She leveled him with the blue he loved since 15—now in her eyes too.

”I am still angry that you and Papa said okay if I need a feeding tube, but I am glad you are feeling better.”

Ian held her tighter. “I know you are sweet pea. I read your text, and I promise to listen more. However, just like Papa needs to make hospital arrangements if I need them; we have to do that for you, baby. I am sorry you hate the plan; I am not sorry for protecting you.”

She snuggled close. She often chattered endlessly to Papa; just like Ian, but when the Redheads were together, Mickey was sure they had silent conversations. But right now, both of them were home and on the mend, for now, and Liam was about to come through the door.

***

The next one through the door was actually Iggy. He rushed over and Lily sat up to give him a hug. He had her bags of Thai food and a Taco Bell bag for Mickey, who held it over his head and gloated at his daughter.

She got up to follow her uncle into the kitchen when Papa’s voice stopped her.

”Aye, what the heck do you think you’re doing there punk?”

”It’s called walking. Papa and I have been doing it since I was like two; pretty sure I’m pretty good at it. I’m pretty sure I don’t need my stupid spleen to walk five stupid feet into the kitchen. It’s OK; the doctor said I have to get up and walk around. I was going to get Daddy and I some of the chicken and rice. Daddy, don’t make that face at me if I have to eat; so do you. Then Papa will chill and eat, and then Liam will eat leftovers; he always does. It’ll be fun, Daddy; we can both pick at our food and compare our matching eye bags.”

Lily flounced to the kitchen, just as Liam walked in. He took in the scene and his baby sister‘s mini rant and laughed and shook his head at both his dads.

”I think it’s safe to say that Lily is feeling more like herself. Just brace yourself. I know Lily said she would work on eating, but it’s going to be a slow process. If she eats like half the container of sauce, which is her favorite, and like five bits of chicken and rice, just consider it a victory. I think by overscrutinizing her, she shuts down, and it makes her nervous. I promised we could watch Beetlejuice later tonight; that has been her favorite movie since she was six. I’ll try and get some popcorn or some leftovers then. After you guys eat, maybe you and Dad should just go have some time. Lily will probably want to call her friends, and I’ll keep an eye out while I’m studying. And Sasha’s going to come down next weekend. I love my girlfriend for many reasons. One being, she is truly even a better lily whisperer than I am. I’ll have her make that stew from Ghana that Lily loves, and we know she will be too polite to push back on Sasha.”

Jusr then Lily came out of the kitchen carrying two bowls and two sets of chopsticks. She didn’t look overly thrilled; they all knew that her eating right now was to avoid a feeding tube in her stomach. And while they knew she understood why they were doing this, she was not enchanted by her personal delivery service. She handed Daddy a bowl not overly full, but it had the chicken rice and sauce. Ian stopped her to make sure that her bowl had the same amount. To his surprise, it did, and he took his bowl, and she flopped on the other end of the couch and kicked out his feet until their legs were intertwined. His relief saw the glimmer in the blue eyes, and it was mischief, and it was a challenge. And Ian almost broke down and cried. It had been so long since he had seen this little stubborn streak in her, the challenge, and even some amusement. He decided if he had to choke the whole bowl down, he would,  just to keep that look on her face.

”OK, Daddy I deal with deals. I eat all of mine to satisfy my parental overlords, and you will not get a lecture from me for being a hypocrite.”

They both lean forward and bang chopsticks and dug in.

Liam came and hugged Mickey, who was watching it. ”Record this moment in time pops; this is one for the books. The two stubborn ones , finally called a truce and celebrated over Thai food. This might not last, but for now it’s pretty damn good.”

Mickey hugged his son and sighed.

Yes, for the moment things were pretty damn good, and these were the moments they would lean back on when the storm came.

Chapter Text

Ian was relaxing as Mickey snuggled into him after they went the third round of the morning. He was feeling better, and besides a few handjobs and blow jobs, he and Mickey had not had much sex since Lily’s diagnosis. It has been hard for them both, feeling guilty about taking any pleasure for themselves when their little girl is sick. But both Dr. Erin and Dr. Heather were very clear with them. Things in their life were not normal or routine; when your child is critically ill, your world turns upside down. But that’s how families drift apart. The husbands were reminded to take time for themselves.

So here they were less than a week before Thanksgiving, two weeks before Lily began chemotherapy, and the whole family was coming for dinner, and they decided with Lily and Liam out like a light, they were having some adult freak time. Started off like two kids again, sneaking off somewhere, and Ian, big spoon, sliding into his husband and then fucking softly and biting his hand to keep from waking up the house. When they realized no one was awake, they got a little more experimental. Ian handcuffed Mickey to the bed, pulled him on his hands and knees, and gave it to him good and long and hard. Just like his husband loved and just like Ian needed. The third round, all Mickey needed was a cowboy hat to wave in the air as he rode his husband into the mattress until both of them were shaky and sweaty and spent. It was fucking awesome.

Now they were cuddled up. Ian was fretting about the dinner menu and Mickey bitching that they were going to have this much family invading their house for a whole day and he had better get his beer and football. They heard a stirring in the kitchen, and Ian asked if they should head out there.

”Fuck no, we should not head out there,” Mickey muttered. ”Red, are you fucking insane? We are getting maybe 20 or 30 minutes to ourselves before the dogs want to get in here, and your brother calls or Debbie calls about that stupid potato masher, which I really didn’t steal no matter what she says. And Sasha is here; she is even more organized and more responsible than Liam, and that’s pretty fucking hard to do. Plus, Lily adores her, and let’s just let them bond."

Ian nibbled on Mickey's ear. ”You are just not excited about stepping out there and going on another run.”

”Seriously, I know she’s not thrilled with us, but you know how come I am our daughter's official snack bitch, and you have gotten off the hook?”

”Look Mickey, it just happens—the title of snack bitch you can’t claim—it finds you, and since our daughter knows that you are the biggest sucker in the world for that bottom lip, she is going to run you ragged, but we both know you love doing it, and she’s actually eating some of the food she sent you all over to find.”

"Yeah, it reminds me of the time when she was four and she decided she only wanted to eat yellow and blue things. I have never made that many runs to Trader Joe’s in my life. But her stubborn streak is coming back, and I wasn’t sure I’d be glad to see it, but I am now.”

”Me too, Mickey. Just after everything with the surgery and me being down, it’s kind of nice to see the personality coming back even though the food is still struggling. I just want to have a good Thanksgiving before we start all over again with the hospital. Come on, snack bitch, we need to nourish you because you have a whole day of running around helping me get Thanksgiving Day groceries, and I’m quite sure Lily Girl is going to have a few off requests.”

***

Liam's girlfriend, Sasha, was here for the holiday. She finished up finals early and was here to lend support to the family, make sure Liam finished his online courses, and of course to get Lily to come out of her shell and start eating a bit.

They were all gathered in the kitchen, and Sasha was making big fluffy pancakes and sausage. Liam was helping and stealing kisses while his helpful little sister made gagging noises into the sink.

"Look, sis, at some point Papa will stop freaking out and you will be, oh, I don’t know, 40, dating. And then, little sister, the kissing won’t freak you out as much, although I’m still sure it will freak out Papa.”

”Maybe after this whole chemotherapy thing I should petition for him to revisit his thought on me not dating until I was 16 or 17, maybe get a sympathy vote.”

Mickey sauntered into the kitchen and gave Sasha and Liam a hug. He messed with Lily's red curls. "Yeah, not changing my mind on shit little girl. The offer still stands—16 individual dates or a bitch about it—and I get to be your movie buddy with your boyfriend till you’re 18. Don’t look at Daddy; he ain’t helping you. He is on my side, whether he admits it or not.”

Sasha smiled into the frying pan. Her family, by American standards, was strict. In Nigeria, dating in courtship was more tightly controlled than the American version. So she understood both Mickey’s take on Lily dating and Lily‘s total frustration at her fathers. She put a pancake down on a plate and walked it over to Lily at the table.

Lily looked at her. 

“I think I’m just going to have half of this; it looks really good, Sasha, but it’s really big.”

Sasha shook her spatula at Lily. "Lily, you will eat the whole pancake. It’s not that big of a deal, and you haven’t eaten since last night. I bet that will make your dad’s grocery shopping today; your papa can find you that yogurt you were talking about this morning.”

Mickey's heart sank for just a moment. He was hoping to get home, put up his feet, put on a movie, snuggle with the dogs, and maybe have a little weed. But Lily's yogurt was going to become his holy Grail.

He knew it; his kids knew it. Hell, even the dogs knew it. But if she ate any of it, Mickey was good. After her freaking at the hospital, both Daddy and Papa were able to convince her that a feeding tube did not have to happen if she worked on her food. They stated they would get her whatever she wanted to eat.

The whole family was in it. Freddy, Frankie, and Liam would find food trucks and bring her home snacks. Uncle Iggy would make her deep-fried pickles; he was the only one she said who knew how to do it right whenever she wanted.

Aunt Tammy and Uncle Lip cooked pasta dishes. And Aunt Mandy and Patrick supplied her high-end bacon. Ian was a bit concerned about her food without a spleen, but the doctor said as long as she did not overdo it on things that were super rich or fatty, she would be OK as her body adjusted. And even fried foods and fat or fruits, she requested she only would eat a few bites at a time. But that was better than her hiding her food or not eating at all.

Astounded, they all watched. Lily begins to eat the whole pancake without a fight. Mivkey asked Sasha if he could pay her. Stay home from college another semester and just be here to make Lily eat.

Mickey grabbed a large stack of pancakes and sat next to his daughter. Aunt Mandy came in and grabbed coffee.

Mickey looked at the group and said, “OK, people, we all need to focus. I’m not fucking around; in less than a week, this house will be invaded by family, friends, and well, whoever else wanders in. The grocery list for the Thanksgiving shopping is on the counter. If you need anything on the list, add it now or hold your peace.

Stop looking at me. Lily, that does not mean you; if there is something you want to eat between now and Thanksgiving dinner, it does not have to be on the list. Looking at the list, Ian and I should be gone most of the morning.”

Lily looked up. “I thought, Papa, that Daddy had some recipe things and other things he needed to do for his website; can I go with you instead?”

Mickey rubbed his eye. “Punk, there’s going to be a lot of awful sick, cold people out there, and the stores are going to be nuts. I’m not really sure that’s a great idea.”

Ian looked at his husband, then at Lily, who was either going to cry or throw an epic tantrum, just like her papa could. ” Mick, She has done fine in school three days this week. The doctors have said as long as we take precautions, her getting out is fine. You have to wear your mask, though if you want to go with Papa, I think that will be a good idea.”

Liam chimed in, “Lily, it might be good to get out.“

Mickey watched in dismay; he was terrified of Lily in the world now, getting sick before chemotherapy. But the doctors and his husband were correct. After chemo, Lily’s routine could change. She could be homebound depending on side effects and immune system suppression. So he swallowed his anxiety.

”Okay, I have no hazmat suit, so no coughing and hacking strangers. No touching handles or doors. And I may choose to knock anyone out if they get too close to you. Also, Papa says we are leaving; we are, got it.”

”Yes, papa”

***

”Papa, those aren’t the yams.“

He stared at his daughter. "Lily, this is long and orange-skinned, and I may not cook them a lot, but your dad makes them a lot, and it’s sweet potato.“

She rolled her eyes. ”Yes, and Daddy needs yams, not sweet potatoes. You have to get the ones over here, and yes, I know they are $1.20 more, and yes, I know you’re about to preach about organics being a scam; a big grocery is telling us to pay more. Oh yeah, and I know you’re going to tell me that you used to eat these out of a can and you didn’t die. And that’s all well and good, but Daddy said to get yams, not sweet potatoes.”

”Do you have Uncle Carl’s badge now, Jesus? You’re like the little food police. But yeah, it’s snowing. I don’t want to sleep outside, so thank you for saving me from the wrath of your dad playing Martha Stewart. Now check my onions; I’m quite sure I got those wrong too. To be honest, I just grabbed the ones that were on sale."

Lily pushed the cart to the onions. Papa santized the cart three times before he let her grab it. She took the squash out of his hand and pointed to the pumpkins.

"Papa, is this learned helplessness? You eat these things all the time."

"Look punk, this cancer is making you super sassy. Or maybe the spleen was holding it all back. Now it's just salt and sass." He heard a gasp, and an ultra skinny blonde in yoga pants gasped.

"Is that how you talk to a child?" She lowered her voice. "A sick one."

Lily got close to Papa and arched her brow. She could torment her dads; no one else could. 

"Usually he swears like a priest in the whorehouse. But I think my other dad gave him the don't get kicked out of Whole Foods, again, talk. And don't worry, I know I have cancer; they were not saving it for a Christmas surprise. Come on, Papa, let's go meltdown at what you will think is us being fleeced at the price of heritage pork for the stuffing."

As they went in the other aisle, he studied her. Still way too thin, smudges of purple under the eye. But the blue was no longer icy; now there was sparkle, minus ice chips. Her curls were styled, and he noticed she bundled leggings under her patchwork dress. She looked both a young woman and his little girl.

"Aye, we say stupid shit like that twat waffle just said." He studied her.

"Yeah, you do, all the time. I have cancer, Papa. You all talk about my food and sleep. You talk about my treatments almost in code.It's just so much, like I'm about to drown, and all of you are trying to keep me afloat. I am afraid what would happen if you didn’t.”

So right there in the stupid yogurt aisle, he pulled her close, kissing her head. How many times had he heard this fear from Ian, almost the exact words? It made him protective and angry. Those he loved should not suffer on his watch.

”I would take it away if I could punk, you know that.” He pulled her in tighter. 

She just nodded into his shirt. They stood there, shoppers sensing something, no one telling them to move in the overcrowded aisles. When she was little and would melt down in public, he did this. Just held her tight until her moment passed and she pulled back.

She did, kissing his cheek, “I love you, Papa,” then she watched him try to head to check out.

"Hey, just because we had our own Hallmark Family Movie moment in Whole Foods does not mean you get out of the bread aisle. We need the multigrain, the sourdough, your (gag) white bread, the vegan loaf, and the gluten-free “

”Wait, daddy did not put the gluten-free on here to fuck with me? Who eats that?” Mickey looked confused.

Lily shrugged, adding a pound bag of gummy frogs to the cart, and Mickey was thrilled. It had been a while since she was snacking.

”That new guy at the shop, Luke, if he stops by, Daddy wants to have special stuffing for him.”

Mickey threw his phone into the cart. “Aye, how does your father find this shitout?""

Lily patted his arm and said exasperatedly, "It's because when you two are at the office, Daddy leaves your private office and goes and talks to people. You know humans are not related to us?"

She  shook her head.

"Oh, and Liam wants onion bagels, and Aunt Mandy wants those corn cake things."

"Or little Miss, the Hoard can start buying their own damn groceries; see, this is why Ginger Dad needs to be here. I may literally stab someone with a bread tie. Why you all can't just eat Wonder Bread is beyond me. Look, I am fine being your snack bitch kiddo, you and Daddy all the way, but how I get roped into being the whole family and apparently Luke's carb connection is beyond me."

Lily, having grown up with these meltdowns, just smiled and took a Baklava sample. "Don't forget we also need to go to Safeway for the turkey and ham. We should get these Papa; they are pretty good," she was looking towards the diary section.

"Papa, they have my goat's milk yogurt, which can I get?" The yogurts were 6 dollars a pop.

"Get as many as you want, punk," Mickey smiled indubitably. 

As she headed to the case, Mickey looked at the bakery lady. "Hey, can I get a box of these you have out in samples?

The woman looked "Sorry we are out; I think they put the samples  out so people would buy them next time."

Mickey's brow arched, and he tried to keep his voice low. He was stressed. Lily was indicating she wanted food, and they were out. For Mickey, this would not do, plus his sister would kill him.

"Lady, I need some of these. Can you sahshay into the whatever pastry room and check?"

"Sir, we're out. I am sorry."

She turned, and Mikcey flipped her off. Quickly, he grabbed a plastic bag from the donut counter and dumped the whole tray of samples in.

"Psst, punk, put this in your purse."

She did, and Mickey had her put her feet on the cart, and he ran then jumped on, almost knocking over several hipsters, much like she did when she was little.

They made it to the checkout, and 430 dollars later, they were stocked up. They were going to go to Costco to grab paper products when he looked at Lily, who had gone pale, more than her now norm.

He almost side swiped a car, pulling the converted ambulance over. He unbuckled and pressed his lips to her forehead.

"Fuck Lily, you are burning up? Why didn't you tell me?" He scolded quite firmly. 

Her lip trembled. Her dads never hit her, but them being disappointed in her always hurt her worse.

" Papa, I am sorry. It has just been so long since we had a regular day out; I just wanted it to last longer because you and Daddy are going to make me go lay down when I get home, and I am tired of that."

Mickey reached over. "Ok, how about we don't do that when you get home, okay?"

"Daddy will still make me."

"Yeah, let me handle my husband. But you get home; put on comfy clothes at least; take the Tylenol." She nodded.

***

Back at home, Iggy and Mandy were there with Uncle Colin, who had just gotten out of jail. ' She ran to him. Colin was the biggest of all the brothers. Almsot six feet and about 250 pounds of muscle. She squealed as he picked her up and swung her about."

"No, no, let me carry in the groceries I shopped for to feed all your asses on the holiday," Mickey groused as Colin still hugged Lily.

"Fucking Hell, brother, she's burning up. Ian is going to kill you, man."

"No shit sherlock, I know shes burning up. So put her down before she catches whatever was crawling in your cell. Lily, go get Tylenol.

Ian came back from a run and looked around. "Hey, I need to take a shower. Be right back."

When he came out, Mickey was in the kitchen and tried to hide the thermotere behind his back.

" MIck?"

"She got a fever while we were out, and yeah, I forgot to check; I was going to make her take it right now."

Ian grabbed the thermometer out of Mickey's hands, his panic now with Lily's medical clear on his face.

Lily was sitting between her uncles, controller in hand, playing Residnet Evil with them.

He popped the thermometer in and noted the 100 degree temp.

"HI, daddy. I had a great time with Papa. He had a meltdown over you all, making him a bread pimp, and may have made me an accessory to a crime. Well, if you steal all the samples, they are free; no crime, right? Maybe not a crime, but he totally shoplifted all this Baklava for me. It was bigger pieces until he dumped it, but it’s still good. Plus, if they arrested him, I was soooooo playing my cancer card. Oh, and he got over three lanes to park. Totally knocked the unicycle guy off.“

”Punk?”

"Yes, Papa.”

”Please stop snitching on me to Daddy.”

Colin tried to steal a piece out of the doughnut bag, and Lily slapped his hand.

”Yeah, no snitching spitfire.“

***

Ian watched from the door, arms folded, and Mickey hugged him.

” Look. I know it was me who suggested we check her temp every four hours, but Whole Foods was fucking jammed, and I might have low blood sugar because our daughter wanted lettuce wraps, and I ate five plus half of hers, but that’s like 500 calories only.”

”Mick”

“Should Colin be that close to her? Statesville is a Petri dish, you remember. What if he gives her cholera? Or a sinus infection.”

“Mick”

"Aye, I promised to limit my thug tendencies when she was born, but she wanted that damn pastry, and I was not leaving without it, even if someone got beaten down with a baguette. I mean, who in fucks sake puts out samples with none to sell? Thats like putting a condom on a eunuch.”

Ian slapped his husband's ass.

”Mickey, shut up and look at her. She’s snacking and happy. You did good.“

Chapter Text

The day before Thanksgiving, Ian and Liam went on a run while a sleepy Lily dragged herself to Liam’s room to fall back asleep with Sasha.

"How are we going to handle Lily's chemo, dad?"
Liam paused to stretch a cramped hamstring.

Ian watched him

"The plan is in place, but what are you worried about that you are not saying, Liam?”

"Gonna have to talk to her if she has not said anything to you and Pops.”

Liam was not subtle. This question meant he needed Ian to talk to his sister, but he would not spill her secret unless it was an emergency.

 Lily wanted to help him prep today; he decided they could cook and talk like they did when she was young, helping Daddy in the kitchen. Fuck, and he thought bipolar was the worst the family would face; he was so wrong.

***
And bam, just like that, Mickey was back to a time before their world was flipped.

He heard Sasha and Mandy go pick up flowers and smelled coffee. Wandering out, scratching his chest. Mickey saw a sight that annoyed the piss out of him, but today it was fabulous.

Lily sitting dab smack in the middle of the kitchen table with her tablet and cookbooks strewn about. Eating cheese spray on a Hershey bar.

His sigh was deep and practiced, but with a hint of joy.
"Aye punk, I know I said you need to eat, but it’s 8 am. Your breakfast is a little messed up, even by my standards. Also three desks in the house, again. Also couches, chairs. If you fucking fart on it, I am burning the table."

She looked hurt. "Daddy and Ruegar are the farters in the family. Besides it’s cheese spray is good, want some?"

He went to take some, and she shook her head.

"Climb up, papa, enjoy the view."

“Lily Gazer, my old ass ain’t climbing on the table. Daddy would kill me and stuff my ass in the oven for trying."

Lily's snort rang out sharp. "Please, not five. Not like you and Daddy have not done stuff on here."

“LILY!!!!!”

"Papa, all my other friends always worry their parents are not affectionate. Liam and I worry about you getting kicked out of Trader Joes for making out "aggressively."

"Happened once punk, just once, well caught." Mickey climbed on the table and sat by Lily.

That is where Liam and Ian found them, on the table eating spray cheese. Liam fist bumped Mickey and kissed Lily. Ian folded his arms, cocked one brow up, and did his imitation of his husband.

” Aye! Mikhalio Aleksandr Gallagher, we have three desks, one of which is in your office. What the hell are you doing up there?”

Lily giggled and kissed Mickey, slipped off the table, kissed Ian, and laughed. "I need a sweater. You should ground him, Daddy.“ 

"Spray cheese, for real, Mick? It’s nine am."

"Save it, fire crotch, she started it. Now help me the fuck off of here; my legs felt asleep 10 minutes ago, and my ass followed."

Ian pulled his husband off and pulled him close. He copped a feel. "After almost 30 years, I would still follow this ass anywhere."

”Chill your tits; our daughter needs no more ammunition against me; getting busted right now would make her so smug."

”Okay, fine, but Mick, shower, me, you, lock on the door.”

"Hmm, let’s go, lover."

***

Later that night, Liam and Sasha were out, and Mandy and Mickey started setting the double tables in the living room.

Ian watched fondly as Lily sat. At the kitchen table, tearing loaves of bread that would be used in the stuffing. Ever since she was little, this was the part of making Thanksgiving dinner that she loved the best. For Ian, it meant buying several extra loaves of bread because between her, Liam, and Mickey there was a lot of sampling going on.

She wasn’t having as much, but bites of sourdough were making it into her mouth.

Ian never got tired of watching his kids. For so long it felt like life with Mickey would never happen and kids a pipe dream. The four of them were strong , and they were beyond survivors. They were thriving. Ian was going to do everything in his power to keep Lily thriving despite the cancer.

Lily had something on her mind, Ian could tell. He just kept prepping and watching her tear bread, pondering. Finally, she put the bowl on the table.

"Daddy, when you are sick, you talk to SHIM , but never when you are well. Do you believe in him/her?

Ian walked over and sat down, reaching across the table to cup his daughter's face, which was heavy in thought.

"Religion is complicated for me, Lily. I mean, compared to Papa, I am more religious, but with the entity, not as dogma. When I first realized I was gay, I thought about being a priest because I did not believe a gay Southside kid had a future. Then I found the army. But yeah, Lily, I believe the universe sometimes overrides all our plans. By life, Papa should have never come back for me; He did, and we built this, our family. SHIM, well, that is a source of good and terrifying for me. But that's me, how about you?"

Lily's level gaze was this emotion wrapped up in her blue eyes, strands that lightened like the sky and gray like thunderclouds.

"I am not really sure. I mean, it's like someone has always kept you and Papa and Daddy safe, the whole family, even when we do dumb stuff. Then people say, "It's God's will," to make people sick. I think that's fucked up, and then I think about Terry and how he kept getting away with shit and well, a lot of bad things. Its confusing. Can I have faith without tying it to one god? I'm not wanting to die whether or not I have faith or fear. I just see everyone that goes into this is with these rally cries or family goals. I don't have that; I just don't want to die. Daddy, what if I do this wrong?"

She leaned into Ian, who enveloped her in a tight embrace. They sat in silence for a while; Lily needed that. No matter how bad things were, Daddy was her solid. He is who grounded her just like he grounded Papa and Liam. He stroked her hair and began to talk softly and crooning, much like when she was younger and needed that extra comfort.

"Lily, there is no such thing as doing this wrong. You are doing it, and it is going to be hard; we all know that. The family is here, and so am I and Papa. I will tell you something; not even Papa knows. When I watched Papa marry her, I think that is when my mania started to take hold. Right before a low or high, you know I feel it—this object about to bound into our lives, not sure when it will explode or leave. After that ceremony, I stumbled drunk into a church, and the father told me this. I hang onto it before I go down in a low or my thoughts get jagged.

I remember this, Lily; it calms me. Hebrews 11:1: Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. I carry this idea until I am on the other side of an episode. Faith does not need a figurehead, baby girl. You find your faith wherever you choose, ok, my love?"

Lily gave Daddy another tight hug and then held the bowl protectively as Papa wandered in trying to steal bites.

That night, the family plus Sasha, Frankie, and Freddy piled on the couch to watch Die Hard.

IN the middle of the pillow fight over the argument of whether Die Hard a Christmas movie was or not, it hit her.

Right here, in this room. Her faith. That her family would keep her from drowning in this all.

She smiled a rare, confident smile she had not had in months.

I got this 

Fuck Cancer

And as Papa says, "I am about to make cancer my bitch.

Lily was finally ready to fight for herself.

Bring it on.

Chapter Text

***

Thanksgiving morning Ian woke about 5 AM. He patted silently through the house and started the oven, programmed the coffee pot, and put in the turkey. Then he peeked through the house; Frankie and Freddy crashed out on the couch. Sasha and Liam curled up in Liam's bed, and Lily slept in Mandy's arms while both dogs snored on the floor.

Everything in the house was serene and filled with warmth. Even his overly excitable but phenomenal husband had mellowed into a man they were proud to say Terri Milkovich would never recognize. For so long Ian thought this would never happen. He felt too sick, too unlovable, and not worth anyone’s time. He had been a lost kid used for sex by older men and then broken by inheriting Monica's disease.

All those years ago when he left Mickey at the border, it was not because he loved him too little. It was because he loved him too much. The border had to end a literal line in the sand separating Mickey from Terry, from prison, and from burdens. And at that period in his life, he believed he was one of Mickey’s burdens; he knew his illness would flare from life on the run, and he could get Mickey caught or, shit, killed.

He believed that last fuck you, Gallagher, would be the last time he heard Mickey's voice. He never thought they would marry or have children, but here they were, owning their own home, raising two children, and still incredibly and deeply in love. He had finally forgiven Monica, and now when he talked about her, he called her Mom or Grandma for Lily's sake. His anger against her burnt out and was replaced by compassion and pity.

He mourned that she never figured out that other people with bipolar disorder lead full, rich lives. That the work to stay healthy is sometimes hard and often taken out of your control, but there were more stories of hope and the tragedy that was Monica Gallagher. and more importantly, Ian Gallagher would not repeat her mistakes.

He walked back to Lily’s room and peered in again. A fierce sense of pride flooded his chest. Neither he nor Mickey had any parenting role models and, truth be told, zero parenting skills when Mandy gave them Lily. The first few months of Lily’s life, they were winging it and reading books.

But together they figured it out. They stayed true to themselves; they were still Ian and Mickey, still had that South Side edge and hood rat mentality at times, but they had become good men and damn good fathers to Lily and Liam. They rose out of the ashes of that dirty couch on that horrific morning. It looked like they broke at times together, and separately they were broken. But it was just an illusion; it was really that they bent until they could straighten up again.

Everyone said Mickey and Ian were endgame. But it was really Lily coming into their life that finally made them both feel invincible. And now at times they both felt like they scared teens, trying to make sense of the world. Lily mumbled and threw her arm over Aunt Mandy. And then he saw the box.

Neither Ian nor Mickey had kid fun on the holiday. Ian had done them with his siblings as a child, but as they grew as a couple, they used the holidays to just spend time with family, although Ian always had a tree, and they did small presents with one another.

***

Lily changed the game for them. Suddenly, Mr. Bah humbug became the ultimate holiday dad. Mickey had five wardrobe changes for Lily her first year. There were reindeer diaper covers, Santa booties, and little green bows to stick in her baby curls. Each year, Papa would proudly hold her to put the star on top of the tree. When Liam came to live with him, they made sure that both kids knew that the holidays were a time for family. Mickey and Ian had decided that if the children wanted to explore religion later in life, they would support it even though neither of them was practicing any specific faith.

Lily, being Lily, absorbed the flair for the dramatic from Papa but added in her own special twist. They now had traditions that were seeped into the way Lily viewed things. Since Lily was three, they had a nativity set. She had seen one downtown and wanted one. The set came in time with her watching a baking championship with Uncle Iggy. They had featured a cake from Minnesota that was served only on Christmas, and the host kiddingly called it Jesus's birthday cake. So every year since then, Ian would bake the cake, as little eyes followed him. She then made them sing happy birthday to Jesus. The singing stopped years ago, but Lily would not let Ian not make the cake. Also, for reasons she still refused to share with them at the age of 14. The nativity set had baby Jesus lost years ago. Instead, she put a Monopoly thimble in the crib and a cow from her Fisher Price set on the roof.

Valentine’s Day was Ian's favorite holiday to observe Lily in her joyous state. As a toddler, they swept up glitter for weeks because she would cry if she was not allowed to use at least 2 pounds of glitter on everyone’s cards. She made Daddy and Papa wear T-shirts with hearts on them and would walk around giving family members kisses and candy. 

But Lily’s claim to fame was the decorations on the Thanksgiving table. 

When Lily was four They went to a market before Thanksgiving. Ian was chatting with a vendor about cranberry sauce recipes, and Lily was pulling the grouchy papa around the market as he bitched about hipsters and why he couldn’t just get a plain black coffee anywhere in this Woodstock organic hippie  love fest. Then they saw it, a woman selling candles. For the holiday, she had little pilgrims and little turkeys.

"Can I get a turkey candle, please? She batted her eyes and buried into his leg, hopefully.

The vendor smiled as he tidied, enchanted by the small, adorable toddler who had the rough, tattooed man wrapped around her finger. The man’s grouchy features softened, and a smile broke out.

”Yeah punk, pick one out.”

Lily clutched one frowning. ”Papa, we need our people candles, but these are silly (she nodded at the pilgrim  candles). Her eyes lit up at other animal candles, and Mickey sighed, glad he brought the Amex, which still shocked him that he was given one. 

Ian found them as Lily ran to him as Mickey called, “Lily, slow down.”

That Thanksgiving morning the turkey was the centerpiece of the table while she carefully put each candle by where she wanted people to sit. Papa was a raccoon, Liam a bear, Daddy a big red wolf, and herself a kitty. Uncle Iggy, a goat, and Uncle Carl, a turtle. Tami, Lip, and Freddy were Daddy, Mommy, and baby shark. Debbie was a bumblebee, Sandy a goldfish, and Frankie a sloth. Uncle Joey was a crab, Uncle Colin a moose. Aunt Mandy is a lioness. He knew this year she had a candle for Sasha and, most surprising, Pat, who said he might come for pie.

He thought she had forgotten, but she must have dug it out last night.

He pulled the blanket up over her and Mandy and headed to bed until his alarm. Mickey was curled up, face peaceful and slack, but he rolled into Ian’s warmth as soon as he crawled in.

Ian no longer wept at the enormity of all it took to get here; they were finally here. He had moments since Lily’s diagnosis, but he tried to hold it together. But in the morning, he finally let himself break over the enormity of what was ahead; he finally fully wept for Lily. Soon his racking sobs woke Mickey, who did not need to ask. He just let Ian get it out without words. Ian cried it out and just held his husband until he could sleep again. 

***

7 am, and Ian left Mickey bitching about the loss of the human body pillow and walked past Frankie and Freddy, still conked out on the couch. Lily was in the kitchen, wearing Mickey's ratty Bon Jovi tee and her sock monkey slippers and pajama pants, humming as she made a relish tray. His heart swelled seeing the figurine at the places.He guessed Sasha was the butterfly and Pat, the fox. 11 years later they were all familiar, but that first year, he thought they would never get to eat because Lily would not tell them who was what character.

He reached over her and stole a small gherkin; she slapped his hand.

"Daddy, those were stacked perfectly; now you need a dill one to balance this out. Also, can I go with Papa, Uncle Iggy, Uncle Colin, and Aunt Mandy to see Uncle Joey?

Ian pulled her in close. “The rule is still in place: your uncles go to prison; you do not go there. Especially now, baby, we can’t risk that. Lily, do not throw the chin at me.”

”Yeah, punk, you could cut someone with that chin. I know you have the letter for him, and we ordered him the two big inmate packs you wanted him to have.” Mickey had walked into the kitchen with Colin and Mandy.

”but what if I do...”

”What if you don’t, Lily? If something goes wrong, we will think of something, but the answer is still no.” Mickey went to pull her in, but she slid out of his arms.

As she stomped down the hall, Colin watched her. Mickey put down his coffee to go after here, but Colin put his hand on Mickey's shoulder.

”Baby bro, let me get this one, ok?". Colin headed to Lily’s room, where she sat chewing on her lip and pouting the way Mandy often would if Colin was not able to steal her favorite candy.

”Hey, Spitfire, we need to talk. You need not be so angry with your papa, OK?

Lily was in the middle of her bed. That was now messy; made quilts and weighted blankets were strewn about. Her legs were crossed, and her arms were crossed, one eyebrow arched, just like Mickey.

”I hate this. I don’t understand why everyone gets to visit but me. I didn’t get to visit when Iggy was in prison, or you. I know Uncle Joey. Those two are so protective; sometimes I’m surprised I’m allowed to breathe without a giant filter in front of my face at all times.”

Colin sat on the edge of the bed.

”Lily, I know you know your dads are ex-felons. And unfortunately, your three uncles, well, are chuckleheads. We’re unlearning a lot of your grandpa's shit. Let me tell you about why it doesn’t sound as exciting as you think it is. The first time I remember visiting Terry in jail, I was four and Joey was six. You get woken up way too early in the morning, and, well, our moms weren’t as kind as your dad’s.

Before we even got to the prison, both of us probably had two or three spankings each. You’re cranky, and you’re bored, and you sit in this room that is beige and concrete, and it stinks like human sweat and sadness. And then you have to see someone through glass, and you can’t touch them, and the glass is disgusting and dirty, and the phones to talk to them are greasy and dirty.

There’s no privacy to say anything important. And when we visited Terry, you had to pretend like you missed him, or he would remember. Your papa was always so curious, and even though Laura would try to focus his attention on Terry, his eyes would dart around the room just trying to take it all in.

That first night out when Terri would be drunk and home, he would beat your papa with his belt or a switch for not missing him in jail. And even though that would never happen to you, none of us want you to get used to seeing that kind of thing. Even Uncle Joey. He misses you, and he sent you letters, and you sent him some. But if you came and picked up some snotty-nosed brats cold, well, that would hurt Uncle Joey."

She looked up at him, her eyes big, especially hearing about Terry's abuse.

”I don’t like when you guys are in jail, and Uncle Colin, great if this doesn’t work and I die while he’s in there?” She began to cry, and Collin gathered her into his arms.

”Lily, I know we can’t predict the future, but by everything your dads have said, this was caught in time. Yeah, I’ll say what no one else wants to say: this chemo is going to fucking suck. It’s gonna fucking suck, Lily, and if any of us could switch places with you, we would do it in a goddamn heartbeat. But we'll be here when it fucking sucks and will help you get through it. And when Uncle Joey gets out, I’ll hold him down, and you can take a few swings at him for being a stupid schmuck. Mandy gave birth to you, and you got Mandy’s DNA. She survived the Milkovich house as the only girl in a bunch of evil men and clueless brothers. She fought for her own survival a lot, and I have a sneaking suspicion you’re going to do the same. Now we gotta go, and I’ll see you later. And maybe today don’t go so hard on daddy, your papa, about this, OK?"

Lilly nodded. Uncle Collin had not been around as consistently as Uncle Iggy but had been around more than Uncle Joey. Colin was a big mountain of a man who, like Uncle Iggy, still struggled with the criminality beat into them by her grandfather. But he never pulled any punches with her, and she liked that. So she allowed him to pull her into the kitchen to say goodbye to everyone. 

After everyone left, Frankie and Freddy finally woke up and wandered into the kitchen. Ian was kneading bread for rolls, and Sasha and Liam were brewing a pot of tea.

Frankie looked around the kitchen and knew that making breakfast would add to the chaos.

”Hey, that great taqueria over on Cermak is open until one today. How about Lily and I go grab some burritos for everybody?

He watched Lily's blue eyes light up and turned pleadingly to Uncle Ian.

Uncle Ian smiled. “Sure, sure thing, but Lily wears a mask inside.”

She ran and hugged  her daddy hard and turned, telling Frankie she should be ready in about 10 minutes.

” Thanks for letting her go with me, Uncle Ian. I know we need to be careful right before the chemo, but I think she needs a break.”

Freddy was texting the family and getting orders from everyone when Lily bounded into the kitchen with more energy than they had seen in days. She was wearing a yellow wrap skirt. With a big black sweater and yellow and red striped tights with her red high converse. She was pulling her curls up into a ponytail and was carrying her large blue parka.

”Frankie, can we stop and get boba tea too?“ When he nodded, she pulled out her phone and began to ask Aunt Debbie and Sandy what they wanted. The three of them, plus Daddy, were the only ones who drank it. Happy to get out of the house, she hugged Liam and Daddy and practically skipped to the old Chevy truck that Frankie drove.

They played old 80s songs and sang at the top of their lungs. They made a side trip to Whole Foods with a short list of things that were still missing for dinner. Then they picked up 15 large breakfast burritos and a drink carrier full of boba tea.

By the time the Milkovich siblings got back from visiting their brother, Lily had run another fever but was playing vintage GTA. With Frankie, Freddy, and Sandy. As the siblings heated up their burritos, Ian told Mickey that Lily had eaten almost a whole bacon, cheese burrito. 

Debbie knocked shoulders with Mickey. “Yeah, it was good to see her actually digging into something. But I couldn’t get her to crack, even bribing her with money. She wouldn’t tell me where the damn potato masher is.

Mickey grinned proudly. ”Neither of my kids is a damn snitch. And I really have no idea what you’re talking about, Debbie.” He flipped her off playfully and began to measure out the ingredients for the cranberry sauce.

He stood for a minute, eyes closed. Taking in the savory smells And his siblings mock arguing, and the kids trash-talking each other. This was so far away from his childhood that he just wanted to ground himself in the moment. This all started and ended with him and Ian falling in love. They did this. They created this, and whatever was coming in the next week, they could handle it.

He opened his eyes to see Ian, watching him, understanding in the bright green eyes that right now look like spring grass, tiny, laugh lines, and the corners of those still mind-blowing eyes. Mickey walked up and cupped his husband’s face. 

“Fucking love you,” he said simply, then went back to letting his sister put her two cents in about how he was making the cranberries wrong.

***

Lilly was having a good day. She was still easily worn out, with aching joints and occasional fevers. But today she rallied until Liam pulled her aside.

”Hey sis, it’s a few hours before dinner, and you’re looking a little weary. Why don’t you go to your room and try and take a nap?”

Lily was tired and cranky, but she was also more sensitive to feeling like she was missing out on things right now. “I’m not five years old anymore, and I think I know what I need to sleep.”

He could see the fatigue and exhaustion on her face. “Lily, I’m not asking; I’m telling. I’m pulling the big brother card here; go lay down. I’m telling Dad and Pops.”

She stamped her stocking foot. ”Ugh, fucking fine, I’m all right.” She stomped down the hall and slammed the door.

Lips's voice startled Liam. "Well played, little brother, if I say so myself. You know when you were younger, you were hard to get down for a nap. Ian was usually the one who could get you down the easiest, and in the beginning, with his diagnosis, sometimes he would sleep better if we put you in with him. You are so good with her. I wish we had all taken better care of you when you were younger.” 

Lips and eyes were sad, the blue-green looking dull with tears.

Liam hugged Lip. “look When I was younger, I can’t lie; I resented Fiona taking off and getting passed around being raised. But now I get it; you guys were young and figuring out your lives too. I never really knew Monica, and I loved Frank despite him being an awful person, but you guys didn’t get anything from either of them, and you guys did more for me than they ever tried to do for any of you. I’m proud of you for being clean and sober this long. When I was younger, I was really worried you were going to drink yourself to death like Frank, so if you think I do a good job being a good brother to Lily, it’s because I learned it from the five of you.”

For the first time in a while, Lip pulled Liam in for a hug.

***

Sandy was grabbing more coffee when she spilt it down her front. Ian mentioned Lily had a bunch of sweatshirts and to go borrow one. She crept in, still aware that Lily might be sleeping.

Never in a million years did she expect Mickey to have kids. After the rape and finding out Yev was not his, she thought Mickey was done with kids. He was like her, she thought.

She didn’t hate kids; she just never wanted her own. Her son had been a rape in a relationship, a scared 15-year-old deciding to either have this 28-year-old man fuck her or go back home and have an uncle do it in her sleep. Prince and she did not talk; she and he parted ways years ago. Royal remarried, and Prince had a stepmother who gave a shit. She loved Frankie because he was part of Debbie, and she loved Lily because she was what all Milkovich women could have been if they had been raised like her, free of fear and not raised with a boot on her neck. 

Mickey raised Lily with Ian in a way she never could have with Prince. He put Lily, Liam, and even Ian first. She was finally learning to do that fully with Debbie and Frankie but not in the way Mickey threw himself into the kids lives. He wept, wept at Liam’s high school graduation. He was the girl dad who put up with snotty PTA moms to make sure the cheer squad made enough money selling cookie dough to go to competitions. Security with grow houses made him the top seller, so he could say, “Suck it, Lululemon bitches.” 

Lily was his life.

As she opened the door, she saw Lily drawing in her journal.

”Hey Lily, can I snag a hoodie? I forgot how to drink coffee apparently.”

Lily nodded to a laundry basket and a stack of clean clothes.

”Cancer perk, apparently Papa thinks I am too feeble to do my laundry. Take whatever you want."

Sandy was rooting through the basket trying to find something not so bright, cheery, or Lily-like. She felt Lily watching and heard her clear her throat.

”You and Papa hurt Daddy when you both made jokes about fucking when you were young. Daddy pretends it doesn’t, but it does. It bothers me too. Why keep bringing it up? What if Daddy had Trevor over and they joked, or Debbie invited April to stay with you after jail? It, it’s just weird that, well, you and him. I mean, it was incest.”

Incest is normal in the Milkovich world by choice or force. But Lily did not have that history.

Lily’s gaze was intense but not judgmental. Sandy sat on Lily’s bed and tried to make it make sense for her and Lily.

After a while she spoke, the first time she ever got real about it.

”Lily, It's fucking sick to say, but incest in the Milkovich clan was disgustingly normal. I mean Mandy and Terry. Iggy and Aunt Randa. Colin’s mom was a cousin, and so was I, with Uncle Terry and Uncle Ronnie. Mickey and I were young, too young. But it was a sick game that some adults encouraged. It was messed up, but in a fucked-up way, it was the only tenderness either of us got as kids. I am deeply ashamed, and so is your papa, but the only way we can deal with it is to crack jokes. And yeah, in the beginning I was worried Ian was going to change him. Now I know Ian loved Mickey when he was a dirty, wild hyena that used his teeth as nail clippers. Ian lets Mickey be the man he deserved to grow into. I am sorry, kiddo; I will work on not bringing that shit up.“

Lily smiled a small grin, barely lifting the corners of her face.

Sandy watched her “I know we just had an intense conversation, but what else is running in that brain, kiddo?”

Lily watched Sandy and then shrugged.

” Today is gonna suck. Usually I love Thanksgiving, but…” she faltered.

Sandy picked it up. ”Because we are all thinking about the chemo, right?“

Lily nodded. “Just today I want to be Lily, not Lily with cancer. Not everyone giving me side looks about how I might be bald by Christmas. Everyone watching me low-key eat. Papa and Daddy trying to check my temp every three hours. It’s just a lot, Sandy. Everyone loves me, and I love you all. I just want the big old shit talking, food throwing, and chaos like normal. Nothing in my life has been normal for so long.“ She lay back on her bed and closed her eyes.

”I think I will sleep more before dinner... Sandy, thank you for being honest with me about you and Papa."

Sandy pulled the blanket up over Lily.

“Anytime, kiddo.“ She handed Lily her headphones and left, herding the Gallaghers and Milkovichs into the kitchen. She stared at them all, the Milkovich glare in full effect.

”Listen up, fucknuts. First Ian, I am only saying this once: treasure it. I never meant to hurt you by talking about me and Mickey, and yeah, Mick, we stop kidding about that. We are old enough to not fucking joke about something so messed up forced on us by kids. Now Lily needs us to be Gallagher’s and nut the fuck up. No doing Bambi eyes at her, no charting everything she eats or does not eat. No cancer talks, nothing. Oh, chop chop, people, let’s stop playing the Waltons and South Side the hell out of this bitch."

Chapter Text

Mickey stared down at the green sleigh bell flannel pants in horror.

He opened one bleary eye and arched his brow at his husband, looking like a treat in boxers and a robe.

”Why the fuck am I wearing these?“ He snarled, then stood on tiptoes for a kiss .

”Um, because I dicked you down three times and you are in a sex-storm stupor," Ian pulled Mickey in for a kiss.

”Sex storm, man, I married a dork.” 

“Fuck you! I married the dork."

”nuh uh“

This led to pushing and neither backing down with titty twisters.

”It seemed like just last week they finally settled down after that Home Depot fiasco.And here they are at it again."

Mickey and Ian jumped apart. Lily and Liam were in the kitchen doorway, Liam hugging Lily, who was laughing and shaking her finger at her dads.

"Mikhalio Aleksandr Milkovich Gallagher and Ian Clayton Gallagher, this is a home, not a hootenanny white trash shack. We (she pointed to her and Liam) work 93 hours a day in snow, uphill, to provide you two with the best, and you fight like hookers from the Jersey Shore."

”Damn Mick, that is an eerily accurate impersonation of you.“

”Fuck you, firecrotch. Fuck you.” He kissed his husband, then went up to his son, hugging him. “Fuck you.“

He picked her up, Lily, spinning her around laughing, “And especially fuck you.“ He put her down and began to tickle her.

”Jesus, you guys are way too energetic for the morning.” Lip and Tammi walked in, and Lily screeched and hid behind them. 

Iggy and Colin stumbled in. “Fuck, wait, if my brother can go out in those pretty princess PJs, I could have just rolled out of bed too.” Colin and Mickey began to wrestle. Mandy came in, stepping over her brothers wrestling on the floor, ignoring them.

Lily let out a low whistle, and everyone froze.

”Daddy, Papa, get dressed. The good bagels run out early, so let’s go."

In their bedroom, Mickey looked at Ian. “She gets that behavior from you, you know that, right, lover?”

Ian slapped Mickey's thigh. ”Keep fooling yourself with that baby.“

*** 

Finally they all met up with the rest of the family at New York Bagel and Bialy. Today the horse-drawn carriages were out in the park, and the family booked five for Lily’s big hurrah before chemotherapy. They were getting bagels before the ride, and seeing Lily ready to fight for a bialy boosted them all. Another Gallagher was joining the party. Aunt Fiona flew in last night and was staying with Uncle Carl.

They were standing in line, Lily rocking  on her heels, eyes on the bialy bin, when Carl walked in with Fiona. She flew to Liam and Lily, hugging them so tight they lost their breath. 
“Hi, my babies, oh, I missed you both. Lily, how are you doing?"

She hugged her aunt again. ”Fine, except that fat fuck, sorry, Papa, fat-freaking Mick is taking all the bialys. Yeah, back up, nut job; you could try another flavor."

Ian pulled Mickey in tight and whispered. ”Still think she gets this from me?” 

Then he went and hugged his sister and pulled Lily in. “Lily, you gotta be nice.“

Fiona jumped in “Ian, let her be. Chemo starts soon; if she needs to be nervous and touchy, let her.”

Ian sighed. He and Fiona had started to get close again, so he said nothing. 

But he saw the sympathetic looks from the crowd at Lily because the c-word was mentioned. He hated that for her.

Lily looked up, bottom lip quivering. ”But Daddy, I only want my breakfast sandwich on that.” 

And suddenly it was his three-year-old in her blue canary dress begging him to get her blankie out of the washer while it was mid-cycle.

That look was all it took. Mickey might be a Statesville widow because he might strangle someone with a bagel bag to get her the bialy. 

Luckily a new tray of bialys came out, keeping homicide a no for the holiday season.

***

Breakfast sandwiches and coffees in hand, the family sat waiting to grab their carriage rides. Fi and Carl started handing out bags while Lily smiled. Each family member received a beanie and a hoodie that stated F*#K CANCER. Lily and the family donned the items and paired up for the ride. Lily was between Mickey and Ian, with Aunt Mandy, Liam, and Iggy, and the rest of the family split up in the rest of their reserved carriages.

Lily was happy blowing bubbles and asking 20 million questions to the driver about their horse and his care. In three days Lily was going to be in a life-changing scenario; they all were, but right now they all keyed in to her happiness and lightness, something that was fleeting these last few months. Ian and Mickey fist bumped behind her back when they realized she had eaten her entire sandwich. Mickey texted Carl to see if he would run by the bagel place in the morning and get a few more, just in case.

She leaned her head in to Ian. "Daddy, what is your favorite baby story about me?" He smiled and pulled her in close.

"There are so many baby girl, so, so many. But let's see, I went to the market when you were two, and Papa called me yelling about calling Uncle Carl and the National Guard, and I think Columbo; he was hard to hear. Said he went to the bathroom and you were missing, and he could not find you. I came home and we searched the house. You slept through all our yelling and were literally napping on the dog bed, between the dogs. I had to do a lot of convincing that we could not put a baby ankle monitor on you, nor could we lojak you like a car."

She leaned into Papa next. "Your turn, Papa." 

"Hmmm, just one. Can I just say 2 months till now? I would count from birth to now, but fuck, not gonna lie, those first two months when you did not sleep, too afraid to miss anything, were rough. The first three weeks, not gonna lie, Aunt Mandy was pumped for you, and I ruined like 9 bottles and 9 cups of coffee by putting the wrong milk in the wrong container. I think, though, trapping Daddy in the bathroom by using a full bottle of your baby oil to paint the bathroom was fun. You guys were stuck in there for an hour, and Daddy still twitches every time he hears the Frozen song to this day because you sang it over and over."

"Liam?"

"Oh, I liked when you got into that dye pack for the dads drop-off of large funds to banks. It worked out well; we got the new couch after that. Oh, or when I was first adopted, you would not eat until I helped you with your napkin. You screamed when those two parental figures touched it." He leaned over and kissed her cheek.

She looked at her aunt.

"Well, Lily, it was your birth. I realized the most amazing thing I ever would do was right there, screaming her tiny redheaded lungs out while my brother tried not to weep copiously. Oh, and your first cheer competition at 6. They were also in awe of this fearless thing doing moves eight-year-olds were doing."

"Uncle Iggy?"

 "Really just one. I mean, you making my brother bang his head against the wall by refusing to leave time out is a classic, but I love the story of me falling asleep and you gluing bells and glitter in my beard to make it pretty and pettable." He jostled her knee lightly.

She beamed, and then put her hand in the middle of the carriage; they all put theirs in as well.

She looked at them all, no fear, just determined.

”So, if I can’t beat this, that’s the stuff I want you to remind yourselves and everyone else about. I mean, I get it. Losing a kid, everyone says, changes you at a core level. I know you guys will grieve.No one would have to remind you if I died. But I want you to think about how I lived. I don’t want memorials every year on my death date. I want the utter chaos that only our families can bring to a party on my birthday. Do not make my room a shrine, but if you don’t take care of sneaky bastard, I will be a poltergeist like the evil you need the house to be. “clean” poltergeist. I need you, Uncle Iggy, to help Daddy and Papa if their mental health goes to shit. Please don’t let Liam be left helping by himself. Aunt Mandy, you tell Pat if I die, his bastard child says marry you or there will be no exorcist strong enough to get me gone. Don’t let Uncle Lip use me dying as a reason to drink again. Papa, you give Debbie her potato masher you hid in the garage back, and if Uncle Joey is still in jail, he gets a jacked-up Lily Gallagher, misspelled like Papa's.“

Mickey sat speechless and pushed back after a minute. ”We aren’t fucking doing this, Lily.“

Ian pulled her close. “Mickey,” he pleaded quietly. 

“Papa, I am not giving up, but this needed to be said now. I need to say it now before the chemo and then the effects and all of it. I need to say it now when I am clearheaded and feeling good. I need to get it out, ok?"

Lism pulled her in, and Ian sat pleading again, only with his eyes on Mickey. He had not been prepared for what Lily just said, could not fathom it, picture what that possible reality looked like without her. But Lily had given it a lot of thought, and no matter how it turned his blood to ice, he needed to hear her.

Finally, Mickey's thoughts turned to Lily.

”Ok, punk, ok. But for the record, I’m not ready to give up that masher, or you, but I hear you, okay? Don’t like it one bit, but I hear it.”

”Ok,“ she snuggled down between them, and at the last ten minutes of the ride, her pain meds kicked in, and she fell asleep. Ian put her in the Bronco. 

He took the keys, seeing how badly Mickey's hands shook.

”Get in the back with her.” Mickey belted in and cradled Lily’s head. 

“We can’t lose her,“ Mickey's voice cracked.

”I know, baby, but she is here now; let’s just be in the moment with her.” 

***

That night the family played poker, and Fiona and Colin wiped the floor with everyone. Fiona was going to get more pizza when she saw Ian in the kitchen rubbing the bridge of his nose.

She hugged him and began to rub his tight back; he closed his eyes and groaned appreciatively.

”How are you doing with all this, sweet face? And no, I do not mean the bipolar.“

Ian looked at his sister.”How did you do it, Fi?". At nine, you made sure we didn’t starve, Mom and Frank didn’t lose us, and you made sure we went to school. Hell, at nine, Mickey and I still did not let Lily not hold our hand in the crosswalk. You were making casseroles and writing fake sick notes. I was sooo mad at you during the Gay Jesus shit; I was mad and manic, and you stuck by me. I love Mom and miss Mom, but you parented me and never gave up. I am dealing with this because I had a good example of loving through fear.”

He pulled her in as she sobbed.

”Ian, I wished I had paid attention to what was happening with Mickey, you, and Svet. Your first episode, prison. You and Mickey are amazing parents to Lily and to Liam. Liam, I raised like mine until I was just so empty and tired. I had adulted my entire childhood. It was leave or give up. I loved and love Liam; he is my baby, but he is yours and Mickey's son. You are amazing, sweetface; I should have told you it more.”

Ian wiped her tears. ”You are telling me now, and it’s when I need it the most.”
They watched Lily in a slap fight with Frankie over the last of the onion dip.

”Tell me she is going to be ok, please, Fi.”

She kissed his cheek. ”Lily will beat this. She has the Milkovich tough-as-nails gene and inherited the Gallagher optimism.”

***

The morning of chemo arrived, and Mickey's alarm went off at 4 am.

This first round, the pediatric oncology team preferred an early treatment, so the whole team was there in case of reactions. Lily was to stay five days for the first time, the doctors focusing on treatment and being cautious of her spleen removal. Subsequent radiation and chemotherapy treatments would be shorter stays if there were no complications.

Mickey watched his family curled up on his and Ian’s bed. Liam sat up and got out, pulling the cover over Lily. Ian took his meds early, and Lily needed her pain and anxiety meds. Both were out by 6:30 pm last night.

 Mickey and Liam got dressed and met in the kitchen.

Liam handed his pops his coffee and jumped on the counter to sit. “You will call me if she needs me, right, and after she gets settled in her room.”

He cupped Liam’s head and pulled him in.”We will, Buddy, ok. And you can come tonight. We have the family thread and will update it a lot."

Liam sniffled. “Pops, she is just so tiny, and they have to put that poison in her.“ He leaned into Mickey’s embrace.

”Papa, can we just blow off this whole chemo thing and just go to the waffle hut instead?“

Lily shuffled in her hair akimbo, dogs at her heels. Mickey squeezed her tight.

”Not gonna happen, punk. Uncle Carl is doing one of your nurses, so the medical folks know where to find us. Plus, I am a smoke show in these weird shoe booties we will have to wear today. Is Daddy up?"

She nodded, trying to steal Mickey's coffee.

”He is sitting on the edge of the bed mumbling.“

Ian walked in, “not mumbling.“ 

Mandy came out and wordlessly held Lily for a long time. Then Liam grabbed his sister. “Love you.“

Lily's eyes welled with tears. ”Love you too; see you tonight.

Mickey and Ian loaded the overnight bags and Lily’s things in the car.

Ian pulled her close. ”Are you ready, Lily Bean?”

She jutted her chin and arched her brow. “Not really, but heck, I've got nothing better to do today.”

.

Chapter Text

Lily stopped halfway to the Bronco and reached out to Ian, who picked her up easily.
He settled her in the backseat and smiled as Mickey indicated he would drive and let Ian hang back with Lily.
The drive to the hospital was quiet.
Not uncomfortable, just quiet.

They got to Lily’s room on the pediatric oncology floor. This time, given Lily’s already underweight status, loss of spleen, and pain and fevers, she would be staying five days. Lily was able to bring some items from home, and as she got in her running pants and shirt that had port access, Mickey and Ian made the hospital bed with her micro throw, fave water bottle, and her tablet and earbuds.

Lily came out of the bathroom, and Reese, her chemo nurse, was waiting. As Mickey watched, Lily chatted as her vitals were taken. He had watched this scenario over and over with Ian. Doctor check-in, review meds, rinse, wash, repeat. And here was their girl, for different reasons but going through the same mundane checklist over and over. Necessary, but he wanted to scream watching it, yet they both handled it as needed, if not wanted.

Lily's first IV was prepped. Pre-chemotherapy. Antihistamines, steroids, anxiety meds, and hydration. She watched as it was put in her port and looked at Reese.

”Can I just do this and blow off the next one?” She sounded teasing, but Ian paused. Like his husband, you had to know what was brewing beneath the surface.

”Lily bean, you know you can get additional anxiety meds if this gets too much,"

Ian approached this carefully. Lily, after years of cheer and pushing herself, knew how to work through jitters and pain. This was different, and he did not want her gritting her teeth through this.

Lily looked at him. “Daddy, it’s already too much.”

Ian watched her seeing his four-year-old in Winnie the Pooh jammies trying to be brave about sleeping in her own bed but failing. “Too big“, she said about moving from her toddler bed to a big girl bed. She simply did not want to be in there, so Mickey and Ian took turns sleeping there until she started pushing them out.

They had learned the art of Lily, when to coddle and when to give space.

He crossed the room, kneeled down, and cupped her face. They held the look between them for several seconds.

”Oh Lily, I know. Daddy wishes I could wave a wand and it’s fixed.”

She leaned into him, and he pulled her close, massaging her shoulders, loosening her tight posture.

After her IV, Reese had her dose ordered and got her wheelchair to take her to treatment. Ian and Mickey walked hand in hand behind her. The husbands sent each other messages of love and support by  fingers rubbing skin. 

Lily was seated in a large reclining chair, and her vitals were taken again. For a Milkovich, Lily was on the tinier and petite side. To Mickey it looked like the chair was swallowing her up. You could taste the tension in the air, to Mickey. It had a sour note of fear, much like waiting for Terri to throw the first punch, mixed in with antiseptic and other sterile smells.

”Once we get the treatment going, you guys can pull up a chair on the side of her and hang out."

His daughter watched the nurse like a hawk as they prepared the dose, flushed her port, and began to open the treatment up, so it flew through and in. 

Ian sat on one side of Lily and Mickey, the other. This whole deal made Mickey ill each time he saw Lily panic or in pain. His heart broke harder. What happened next shattered him.

He didn’t understand this; Pat had no known history of cancer, like this, in his family, and to him and Mandy's knowledge, none of his family did either. He calmed his heartbeat and took a few deep breaths and looked into Ian’s calm eyes that were like a forest canopy, rich and inviting. 

So many times before Lily was born, Mickey had a fear that because of all the bad things that he had done for Terri to survive, his payback would be someone hurting Lily.

He knew he had to be strong for her, but he had that moment of panic that this was his father, reaching beyond the grave. He couldn’t take Ian from Mickey, no matter how many times the bastard tried. And he had to make himself understand that this was just a thought, and Terri from the afterworld was not gunning for his daughter. 

She turned and looked at her papa. Blue eyes that were beyond ice. They were almost fading to gray, and her pupils were huge.

”Papa I don’t care if this is in my brain or not; I can feel this. I can feel this poison going in my body, and I don’t want it. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want this. Papa, please make them take it out. Please make him stop this, please, please, please.” Her voice was ragged in a way that Mickey had never known her to have.

. When he couldn’t respond right away, she turned and looked at Ian.

”Daddy, I don’t know if I can do this. All of this garbage, all of this awfulness, is in me now, Daddy. It’s worse than the cancer. I swear it’s worse than the cancer. Please take it out.” 

Ian reached and stopped her from pulling on her port and grabbed her hand and kissed it as the nurse slid an injection of anti-anxiety into her. 

Ian quietly took his daughter’s hands and placed them on her chest, placed Mickey’s hand over those two trembling hands, and then placed his over both of theirs. He leaned his head into her cheek, and Mickey did the same. Ian wanted to sob; it should be bittersweet, comforting her like he did with his husband when she was a toddler.

But this was the wrong reason for the comfort, and this had been the first time in about six years. They had discovered this was a great way to calm Lily when she was younger, and they had found that out when she was three and Mickey had her for a week alone while Ian was impatient for a low and med regulation. 

He used his other hand to wipe away her tears, then Mickey’s, and finally his own as softly he began to croon.

Hey Jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart.
Then you can start to make it better.

Hey Jude, don't be afraid.
You were made to go out and get her.
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.

“Daddy, Papa, Please make this stop. I don’t understand why this had to happen.” She whispered that softly but began to steady her breathing, and Mickey kissed her cheek and began to sing along with his husband.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool.
By making his world a little colder.

Hey Jude, don't let me down.
You have found her; now go and get her.
Remember to let her into your heart.
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin,
You're waiting for someone to perform with.
And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do,
The movement you need is on your shoulder.

 

By the time they got to the last nanana of the fading of the song, Lily's breathing had evened out. The session was rough, and even though her doctors had prepared them that teenagers could sometimes have very anxiety-ridden responses, they were not emotionally prepared to see Lily break.

Mickey kept telling himself that one day they would be far away from this; she would be in remission, happy and healthy. But for right now this motherfucking sucked. This was his little girl. He had come a long way from the scared 20-something young man not ready to ever be a father to the man sitting in a hard plastic chair, trying to absorb all of his daughter‘s pain.

As they held Lily, part of him raged inside. They grew up, he and Ian, surrounded by some really terrible people. His father was a violent, racist homophobe who, despite his drugs and alcohol, was a fairly healthy man until his son Liam accidentally put a bullet in him. And then a nurse finished him off. He knew that the last minute of his father’s life was probably filled with fear and pain. And yet Mickey's daughter had been living with fear and pain for a very long time. It just wasn’t fair.

“Daddy, tell me a story.“

Mickey smiled for the first time in several hours, a real smile. Lily never got bored hearing about their lives before her or even when she was little. Mickey hoped this was the distraction she needed.

”Lily bean, what story do you want, or is it  dealers  choice?” Ian asked as he adjusted the pillow behind her.

”How did you know Papa was it for you?”

”I think I have always known it, kiddo. But I was right about your age when I met Papa, and I knew it was different, and I didn’t have words or understanding of what it was. No matter how many times I left and no matter how many times I pretended that I didn’t need Papa in my life. It wasn’t the truth. And when we were apart, part of me had to get my head straightened out. Not the bipolar part, but the how to be an adult in my own mind part.

But when Daddy left Papa at the border, that was when it cemented for me, deep, deep down into my bones, kiddo. I had wanted to cross so bad; the idea of sun and sandals and tequila sounded so good. But if he had gotten caught, Papa would still be in jail. And I felt the mania coming on when I left him at the border. And I knew that my bipolar would make life on the run more difficult. Not for me but for him.

I wanted to go with Lily. I wanted to go so badly, and I watched Papa drive off, and then I left, and then I cried. Because at that point, I didn’t think I would ever see him again, and I knew he would start a life with someone else and maybe fall in love with that person and have what he needed in Mexico. And that, my dearest, is true love, when you can give them up because you think you are protecting them. And then when I turned around in prison and Papa was there, it was like my soul looked at his and was like, Hey, where have you been?” 

She looked at Mickey. 

“Did you find someone to have in Mexico? Did you find someone that made you consider staying?”

Mickey squeezed her hand.

”So many people told me that the reason I loved Daddy so much when I was young was because he was the only person I’d ever really been with in kind of a relationship. But that wasn’t true. Like Daddy, I knew it was just like part of me wanted to rip out through my chest and be glued to him. Mexico was not all I had hoped it would be.

I worked for the cartel, Lily, and they knew my dad, and basically I did the same thing there that I did for my father in Chicago. Except the stakes were more deadly. Terri would kick the crap out of me. The cartel would’ve put a bullet in me. I lived in a crappy apartment with two other cartel foot soldiers and spent my time going to bars and trying not to miss my home. And my home was Daddy.

I worked in hot, crappy tourist markets and kept my head down because I couldn’t get arrested. And yeah, Lily, I had a boyfriend, but it was very out on the down low. Because cartel soldiers who are openly gay don’t live long, no matter how romantic stories and movies might make that sound. And he was a good guy, a great guy,

But I learned from him. There is a difference in love. You can have love for someone and not be in love with them. And I had love for him because I had a person in my life who accepted me, and again I didn’t have to hide. But I wasn’t in love with him. I was in love with Daddy, and that was never going to change, and so, yeah, when I heard Daddy was going to jail, I turned myself in because I just didn’t want to be with someone that I loved, as in had love for. I wanted to be the person who was with the man I was in love with, and that is your father."

An hour and a half later it was finally over. They wheeled Lily back to her room, and Mike was on duty, and they waved hi as he came in and took her vitals. Lily lay down, and you could tell she was exhausted. She grabbed sneaky bastard.

And curled up under her quilt, finally allowing herself to rest. When she was finally asleep, Mickey scrubbed his face with his hands several times and looked at Ian, who was making up the family bed. The hospital allowed parents to stay in the rooms as long as there was no illness or infection going around. 

“Are you as fucking gutted as I am?” Mickey said in a low voice to not wake up Lily.

”Gutted like a fish.” Ian said dryly. 

“Man, when she was seven, she hurt her hand after that cheer competition, and she wouldn’t let the doctor wrap it. That was tough. I remember Liam had to sit behind her, and he finally coaxed her to let the doctor touch it. I never told you this, fire crotch, but when everybody fell asleep that night, I walked down the hallway, and she had cuddled up in Liam's bed.

Those are our kids, our fucking kids. The ones I never thought I was going to have, the ones I never thought I’d want, and the three of you are my fucking world, and when everybody was asleep, I just cried thinking of how much I love them and how I never wanted them to be in pain. I don’t think I’ll have any tears today because there aren’t enough for this.” Mickey said dryly.

Ian leaned in and trailed his pinky down the side of his husband’s face, then kissed him with tears in his eyes.

”I know you did that, that night, baby. I just pretended to be asleep. And I agree with you. I don’t even know what the emotion is here except I just want our girl to be OK. After all the shit that you and I have done, her and Liam are our greatest gift to the world.“

”You’re still a fucking sap,” Mickey leaned into Ian.

Ian returned the lean to Mickey. “and you’re the biggest softy in the world.”

”And neither of you have ever mastered the art of inside whispering voices.” Lily grumbled into sneaky bastard.

At the sound of her voice, both men flew to her side. Ian silently began his triage, feeling her forehead and listening to her breathing while checking the pulse points on her wrist. Mickey played with her hair, scanning her face for some sign of discomfort.

“You OK there, punk?” 

“Also, I would like to point out that you both also suck at trying to be discreet. And I just don’t mean that’s why I have noise-canceling headphones. I don’t feel sick yet, and I hope I don’t, but Papa is watching me like I’m a can of soda he just shook up and was about to open, and Daddy, there are nurses here who are paid really well. One of them is dating my uncle Carl. I am quite sure someone will be in here. Maybe we could just watch TV or something. I just need a moment.”

Ian smiled to himself. While he was extremely concerned for his daughter and her health, she was never afraid to put her father in his place. And well, her sarcasm was almost a talent, much like Mickey and Mandy. However, she put her own spin on it. Hers had a light teasing lilt, and it was easy to tell she was joking. Whereas with his bestie and husband, if you did not know them, you would have to guess if they were really mad or not.

They watched some mindless TV. Both Ian and Mickey taking turns cuddling with her in the bed. She FaceTimed with Liam, and he brought a smile to her face as he cracked jokes about science that only the two of them seem to get. Aunt Mandy FaceTimed for a bit, and it was the first time they saw her weep, tears pooling in her blue eyes as she talked to her aunt. Patrick is in the background, and he chatted for just a moment, making sure that he left the room discreetly so Mandy could have some time.

Frankie and Freddie were next cracking jokes and offering to make her various forms of Jell-O and to promise that Aunt Tammy would not make chicken soup because they all knew cooking was not something. She was great at.

Uncle Carol swung by to drop off coffee to Mike and stick his head in the door to chat with her. Uncle Iggy and Uncle Colin were next, both of them getting into slap fights to see who could monopolize the small phone screen.

She had fallen asleep when Uncle Lip and Aunt Tammy called, and Lip burst into tears. Seeing their girl curled up and pale. Ian stepped out into the hall because he needed to process what had happened in the treatment room, and then Mick took the phone out to talk to Tammy. She and he had become unlikely allies, and he processed how useless he felt.

About an hour later, Lily woke up and halfheartedly picked up the Jell-O and ignored the other soft foods on her tray. Mickey threatened to steal the Jell-O, and he was not met with his hand slapped away. He and Ian exchanged worried looks.

Lily was texting her friends and giving them updates and looking at all of the pictures that they had sent holding up get well signs and other words of encouragement.

Finally she looked up at her dad's.

”You both need to eat too, and snacking off this crappy food on my plate really isn’t going to do it for you. I think I just need to nap again, so why don’t you guys go down and get real food, and I’ll see you when you get back?"

She rolled over and curled into a ball, pulling the blanket tight. When they heard her even breathing, they stopped to let Mike know they would be downstairs.

Ian’s Cobb salad and Mickey’s pastrami on rye were picked at, with no real desire to eat. But Lip, Mandy, Iggy, friends, and other assorted people in the hospital explained to them they need to take care of themselves to take care of Lily. Mickey grabbed a coffee. Ian grabbed a tea and grabbed a bottle of Gatorade for Lily and headed back upstairs.

***

The ride up the elevator was silent; they held onto each other, telling them that they loved one another. They had attended therapy together and separately and knew that couples could break apart because of the edge of worry from their sick child. They vowed that would not happen. They knew at some point the stress would make one or both snap the other's head off, and there would be a fight, but they would not let this illness break Lily or break them or break their family.

Once through the door, they realize Lily was not in bed, and they heard her getting very ill in the bathroom while Mike was in there, whispering soothingly. "You’re OK."

”Hey guys, can you give us a minute, and then I will let you see Lily?" Mike’s voice was kind but no-nonsense, and whatever they heard in it stopped both of them from rushing past him and going into the bathroom. 

As they paced, Ian thought back to those hours that he and Mickey walked the floor, waiting for Lily to be born. He did it as a way of meditating and getting ready for their daughter to be born. Mickey paced the floor with vim and vigor, willing Kiddo to get out so he could meet her. The first year, well, hell, the first few weeks, they took turns up and down their hallway, rocking, bouncing, and handing her off to one another like she was a baton in a relay race. Mickey had told him that when he was in the hospital, when Lily was three, that third night he spent hours walking up and down the hall, his back screaming, and his arms almost numb just to soothe their baby girl.

The last time they paced well, the last time Mickey paced, Lily went on her first overnight cheer competition, coed, and neither of them could attend. He was convinced when she was 15 minutes late, calling them that she was drunk in some older boy's room at a party getting roofied.

And now they paced again.

Mike came out of the bathroom with what he called his nurse’s face. Compassionate but informed...

”Lily kicked you out to go get food because she knew she was going to start getting sick and she needed for you both to not be here when it started. I asked her if she needed me to stay or if you guys could come in now. She said she was fine and was ready to let you both help her.

And I know you have some medical background, so you understand this, and I know that you trust her care here; however, I need you guys to be prepared. She is feeling really ill, and at this point she’s doing a lot of dry heaving. I’m going to give her a nausea injection, and then once she is feeling more stable, we’re going to try and get another IV in her for hydration."

They spent the next hour in Lily's bathroom, rubbing her back, putting cool cloths on her face, and handing her a washcloth so she could wipe her own face. By the time it slowed down and the medication kicked in, Mickey just scooped her up and carried her to bed.

She shook her head and pushed away the Gatorade and even pushed away water. Mike came in and began a hydration IV and some other notes that Mickey at this point couldn’t even fathom what they were.

She snuggled exhaustedly and nuzzled into Mickey’s shoulder, curled on her side against him, so Ian could rub her back. 

After a while, she opened her eyes.

”Daddy, Papa?”

”Yes, baby girl, what do you need? Mickey asked.

”I told you we should’ve just blown this off and gone to the Waffle House."

💕

Chapter Text

💕

The rest of the day and into the night, Ian and Mickey dealt with the fallout of Lily's chemotherapy. Their girl was really sick, vomiting, nauseous, and experiencing phantom pain.

She refused Mickey or Ian's help, so Aunt Mandy came to help her clean up. Well, that was happening. The men took turns sobbing out in the hallway and being reassured by the nurses that they were going to be ok.The side effects were paralyzingly scary that they would do everything they could to minimize her discomfort.

Mandy, realizing that the three of them were stressed out, sent her brother and her best friend down to stock up on coffee. On the oncology floor, they could get unlimited juice, teas, popsicles, and snacks for them 24/7, especially Lily. It was obvious, though, that for tonight she was still on her liquid IVs. But her papa and daddy needed a break and Lily needed to be able to be washed up in her bathroom without her dads hovering around the door .

” Aunt Mandy, I really don’t know how I feel except I am pretty sure that someone dropped some kind of weird hook into my stomach and is trying to pull it out through my throat. I also think those weird Costco gummy bears I ate when I was four just wound up in the toilet. Do you think Daddy is OK? I’m starting to really worry that this could send him in a spiral. I know I’m not supposed to worry about that, but I do.”

She sat on the toilet and let her aunt begin to wash her legs. Once they were clean and dry. Mandy slipped Lily's fuzziest and warm  pajama bottoms on her before carefully helping her off with her shirt and washing her back in front. They threw one of Liam's big Notre Dame hoodies on her and then realized they needed to take it off because it interfered with her port. They quickly pivoted and grabbed one of Mickey’s dark blue Henleys out of his overnight bag and put it over her and unbuttoned it so the port could still be reached.

Mandy regarded Lily carefully. She wasn’t going to give her some glib answer, but she also needed Lily to understand that, like everything else, Ian's mental health was not Lily's fault.

” Lilly Bean, we both know that we can’t guarantee how Daddy’s levels react to stress, good or bad. But his doctor is aware of what’s going on and he took some proactive measures. He’s working on keeping his sleep and I think what will be will be. You know we have a plan for him just like we have a plan for you. Also, if there are gummy bears that have been in your system for the past 10 years, we may want to write to the manufacturer and get some kind of monetary compensation because those things should’ve never stayed that stuck . “ She booped her niece's nose playfully.

” Do you want to get in bed?” When Lily crinkled her nose delicately, Mandy helped her into the big reclining chair, got her comfy, and handed her her phone so she could FaceTime Liam.

Liam had woken up not feeling well and did not want to come up even with a mask. They didn’t want to violate policy because they wanted one person to be able to stay with her if she wanted it and he would never forgive himself if he got his baby sister sick right now.

They chatted and he chased the dogs around so she could watch them. And when she cried, Mandy held her as Liam told her over and over that she would be fine and that she was being so brave and soon this wave of sickness would end. He simply told her he believed in her and he wished that he could trade places and that she could call him at any time she wanted to.

Iggy, Collin, and Sandy and Debbie FaceTime her next. They had all gone out to dinner and were checking in with her. Uncle Iggy, who had recently taken up knitting as therapy, told her that if she felt better, he would teach her and they could make mistakes and get better together. Lip and Tammy checked in next, stating they were going to the bookstore tomorrow and would pick her up a few surprises and if there was anything else she wanted, they could get that too.

Lily was finally starting to relax, the nausea medications, and the fluid was doing its job and for right now, the vomiting had ceased. Mandy hoped that Mickey and Ian were taking some time to just have a breather as well.

***

Mickey and Ian took a quick walk around the block before they went to get coffee. The kitchen was not serving regular meals, but grab-and-go was available and the coffee was hot and fresh.

Mickey took a sip of the coffee and made a face; he had forgotten to grab sugar. Ian patted his husband’s hand and let him know he would get up to get it. While he was beat, he had had an early night the night before, whereas he knew his husband had most likely been up pacing and checking on Lily. There were black bags under his deep blue eyes.

As Ian walked to the condiment kiosk, he heard a sound, like someone calling him. But he’s pretty sure he was imagining it. They were both pretty rummy at this point. He took two steps and then he heard a male voice.

” Oh my God, I wasn’t sure that was you or not but it is.”

He turned, expecting that because they were in a children’s hospital, it was one of the dads from Lily’s class or one of the people he used to work with as an EMT. He was not prepared for the face that greeted him.

Kash.

Ian looked at the man that when he was so young, he thought he loved and that he was good for him. He felt so lucky that instead of continuing to be used, he learned true love from Mickey. Over the years he had been in denial about what had happened between him and Kash , but now, after much therapy, he was fully aware of how fucked up it was and that this man had groomed him for sex. Lily was now the same age that he had been when he took up with the married store owner. The thought of someone in their 30s having sex with Lily made him want to vomit. And yet this man was still clueless.

” Ian, oh my God, you look good. Are you here because of your younger siblings?”

Kash was wearing a janitorial uniform and smiling like he hadn’t basically molested Ian when he was a teenager.

” I thought you left Chicago all those years ago."

That was the only thing Ian could figure out to make his brain work for him in the moment. This was not the shit he wanted to put up with today. His daughter was ill and needed him and here he was feeling disgusting and dirty and very angry at Frank and Monica that they left them alone all those years ago; that type of parental neglect opened the door wide for all of them getting hurt.

Kash shrugged his shoulders and made an off-putting sound. Maybe it was supposed to be a laugh, but in the end, it sounded like sandpaper scraping against metal under his skin and not in a good way.

” I came back to town about eight years ago. Lynda needed help with the kids and I’m trying to reform a relationship with them. I see a wedding band; I can’t help but think someone is a lucky bastard. I also feel like I missed out. At least whoever you’re with has to be better than that dirty Milkovich boy .” 

Ian was spiraling; he was trying to keep a grip on it. However, with Lily and his focus slowly on her, now this poke from an unwanted memory and how casual his abuser was speaking to him was making his blood boil, but his mind was becoming this mushy, unfocused mess. And he couldn’t let that happen right now; his daughter was upstairs. And she needed him to be present, needed them both to be present.

Mickey, who had been sitting at the table texting family, must’ve looked up and realized who was trying to engage with his husband. No matter how Ian moved, Kash kept getting into Ian's personal space. Mickey pushed back his chair and quickly walked up to the pair.

” Ian, sweetheart, why don’t you go see what Mandy is up to? I and our friend were going to go outside and have a little talk.” Mickey noted Ian’s trembling hands and pale, ashen face. 

“Please just remember Mickey to pause. I don’t want to be a Statesville widow and kiddo needs you more than ever right now. More than the satisfaction of grinding this ass face into a pulp.” Ian whispered as he struck Mickey’s hair, pulling him in for a kiss.

without another word, Mickey grabbed Kash's  elbow and pulled him out the doors down the road and into an alley.

” Number one, stop making fucking gooey eyes at my husband. He’s a grown ass man so he shouldn’t be all that attractive to you and it’s not a level playing field when he was a kid. I’m going to make this real easy for you, Kash  and Grab; you are going to go in tomorrow and resign because there is no fucking way you  should be allowed a whole hospital of vulnerable kids. Then you are going to forget that my husband ever existed. Because if I see you around here one more fucking time, I’m going to get my brothers, and we’re going to make sure you never fucking surface again. Capeesh? “

Kash swallowed hard but looked at Mickey. ” Ian was young, but what we had was real. I really did love...”

mickey’s fist connected with Kash's  face. After everything that had happened with Lily, connecting with the old pedophile's jaw felt amazing.

” You loved a child, you sick motherfucker. And I am not going to let you upset or hurt my husband ever again. So take this as the warm-up. The main event will be more brutal, especially if I grab my brothers. Three of us can do a fuck ton more damage. So in review, you resign, you forget you ever saw us and you fucking stay away from this hospital.”

Mickey turned and headed back inside, stopping in the downstairs bathroom to wash the blood off his knuckles.

Back in the room, Mandy, Ian, and Lily were playing Uno. Mickey reached down and kissed his husband, then brushed the lock of Lily’s hair out of her face, kissing her cheek. He was happy to say she did not look so pale and the IV fluids seem to have revived her just a bit.

”  Papa, why do you have a speck of blood on your T-shirt?” she asked with a hint of amusement and a hint of concern.

Mickey wasn’t sure what to say, but Ian piped up.

” Daddy and Papa ran into someone from our past down in the lobby. I think that Papa convinced him he shouldn’t be around here.” 

Lily's  eye cocked up and she pretended to mean mug both of her fathers. “Who could you have possibly run into in a children’s hospital that Papa needed to put a beat down on?”

The two men looked at each other, and Mandy looked at both of them.

” Remember that store owner that was really just too handsy with Daddy when he was younger? It was him. I think Papa just maybe scared him off.

” Of course he scared him off. He wasn’t gone way too long. That means there was no body  to hide.” Lily said, throwing down a winning hand.

Mandy threw up her hands. ” And this right here is what you guys got: lots and lots of phone calls between kindergarten and third grade. Lily likes to very easily overshare.”

”Yeah, name one time Auntie Douchebag." Mickey started to deal with the new game.

his sister, folding her hands over her chest and looking at both her brother and her best friend incredulously.

” oh I don’t know how about the time she got her picture colored before everybody else and they said maybe she should slow down and re-color and she said she liked it that way and her teacher said well maybe you could try and your dear sweet daughter said “liking what I like don’t make me a bitch“ or we could go with my personal favorite which was when her third grade teacher tried to take away her fidget spinner and she threatened to “meltdown a crayon and shiver her in the eye“

Mickey just smiled and shrugged.” That just means Lily is good with using her words.

Ian finally had gotten back from the faraway look in his eyes and just smiled at the trio. With Liam, they were the things and places of good memories, and they were the reason he kept going when things were hard. He prayed; Lily looked at everyone else in the room and her brother in the same way. He had a sneaking suspicion that she did.

Mandy left and Ian and Mickey had some dinner and cokes, and Lily had several sips of Gatorade. She got her vitals taken and her nighttime med doses and they tucked her into her bed. Ian took his meds and curled up in his sweatpants, fell asleep, lightly snoring in the chair. Mickey moved him over to the guest pull-out bed and threw a blanket over him. He took Ian's spot and they watched old movies until Lily finally fell asleep as well. He tucked up her blankets, made sure Sneaky Bastard was close and then curled next to Ian and fell asleep.

About  3 AM he heard Lily crying and almost tripped over his backpack getting to her bedside. He put down one side of the bed and got in, pulling Lily to his chest. He patted her hair and just hummed softly until his little girl fell back to sleep. Ian found them that way the next morning before first rounds.

Mickey woke up and rolled away carefully, making sure Lily  was still comfortable. He went to use the bathroom and then came shuffling back, using his fingers to wake up by pushing sleep out of his eyes.

” She woke up last night.". Ian sat quietly, not to wake her up.

” Yeah she had a few nightmares, and before you give me that look, you were out, and after seeing the asshole, I figured I would get this round; you get the next.”

” I didn’t want to ask last night but what happened after you sent me back up here?”

” I just reminded him that we know his secrets and he needed to find different employment. I’m pretty sure he took the suggestion. He can’t be around kids this vulnerable. I mean, fuck, he shouldn’t be able to be around kids at all, but at least for right now we got him not sniffing around here. Maybe we’ll do some follow-up on his next employment.”

Ian  shook his head. ” I was Lily’s age when I started up with him and I’m so fucking embarrassed looking at it as an adult."

Mickey held him tightly and kissed his lips lightly. You were a kid and you are not the one who has anything to be embarrassed or ashamed about. That asshole saw that you were vulnerable and sought you out and this bitch of a wife wasn’t much better. She should’ve had that bastard arrested and instead she bartered for you like you were a goddamn baseball card.”

“ I know, Mickey , baby, thank you. I just knew with both our kids I wanted better for them.”

They silently watched Lily sleeping, form.

” You made it better for all of us, Ian, and together, we are strong enough to make sure she is going to be OK."

Chapter Text

💕

Mickey sprinted through the garage and did his best imitation of Bo Duke sliding over his desk to grab his cell, which was bleating out Liam’s ringtone.

“ Liam is everything ok? “ Liam could hear the panic in his pop's voice. Lily heard it too and grinned as Liam forked over a twenty . Yeah, she had been right; Dad would not have been this freaked out. They should have called him first, not Pops.

It was the week before Christmas and Lily was on the mend from the first round of chemo . The whole family had a winter cold and of course, Lily was slower to mend. Both Ian and Mickey had to go to the office; holiday collections were increasing and they were doing year-end paperwork. Mickey was nervous. He hated being away from Lily but both the family and his therapist pointed out he was becoming hyperfocused.

Ian had to almost drag him out of the house this morning, and he knew Ian was as nervous as he was, but his giant redhead sometimes had a better poker face than he did. Lily also rolled her eyes and leaned in close for a hug, telling him that she would be fine and that she would see him later.

” Pops, chill. Everything is fine at the house and Lily is OK. We just had a question. We were talking and she had mentioned one time when she was about three or four, we went ice-skating and then we stopped at a bakery and you told her that the cookies we got were something that your mother used to buy on occasion and sneak to you and the kids. It’s not those poppyseed cookies or the walnut cookies from the Ukrainian bakery. But we think they’re either Ukrainian or Polish or maybe Russian and I know it’s a weird question but it was kind of driving Lilly nuts .”

Mickey scratched his head .

” Liam, I appreciate that you and your sister think I can remember what happened like, oh, 10 years ago, but I’ve taken Lily ice-skating, cheer competitions, your science fairs, your book nights, and anything that your dad had going on, and so no, I don’t remember what I ate for dinner yesterday, nonetheless the cookies, but I’ll think on it. Does that mean she wants one?”

There was a slight sliver of hope in Mickey‘s voice. He was like the rest of the family, worried about how little again Lily  was eating.

” She might; she actually had half a teaspoon of peanut butter an hour ago without making a gagging face so I’m pretty impressed with that. She’s drunk some tea, had a Gatorade, and now she and the dogs are watching Top Chef.”

Mickey heard Lily bellow in the background.

” Ironic, isn’t it? I don’t want to eat. Food makes me feel nauseous but yet I’m binging on a cooking show.” 

They all chatted for a few more minutes and then Liam went to go help Lily find her big, snuggly robe from the laundry.

Mickey limped back into the main office and looked at Ian and beckoned him behind a closed door. He quickly shot off a text to the family saying that Lily was on the hunt for a certain cookie, if anyone remembered what it was, that it had honey and she thinks almonds, to let him know and if anyone could pick it up, that would be great.

Then he limped over to his husband and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

” So I’m totally fucking getting a hand job out of this, but also I really need you to do your EMT shit, Ian; I swear I pulled a hamstring diving for my phone.”

Ian  walked over to the chair and pulled his husband close. His face was neutral, but his eyes were dancing and curious.

” Should I even ask why you were diving for your phone? I mean, you’re still the sexiest motherfucker I’ve ever seen in my entire life and that’s never going to change but I think we’re too old to be diving for shit anymore unless it’s cock.”

” Ha ha, Red, very funny. Liam called and you know I was just worried, but it was the question I sent everybody about Lily‘s cookie. So let’s get with the program, cupcake. Give me a once-over make sure I didn’t tear a muscle, a hand job to relieve my stress, and then we’re going to Google some cookies because, goddamnit, if she’ll even eat a bite of it, I will go buy a fucking bakery, hire my brothers, and make them sweat and toil for 1000 years until they get the motherfucking treat right .”

” You are my favorite husband and the bossiest bottom in bed or out. As you would say, Drop those drawers."

After a thorough exam on his thigh muscles, which left Mickey moaning and oozing  pre-cum, there was an enthusiastic hand job and a 20-minute makeout session. Then using the best of all of his company assets, Mickey and Ian got the van and started to stalk European bakeries, looking for a cookie that Mickey vaguely remembered.

But he remembered the day. Lily had always been an active child and a bit of a daredevil. They got her into tumbling and then competitive cheer by the time she was five because that’s all she wanted to do. Going with Daddy to the rock climbing gym or watching Papa box fascinated her.

She always wanted to try new things and so one year Ian was having a depressive episode that had lasted for a few days. Lip and Carl came to hang out and do the couch and movies with their brother, and Liam, Freddy, Frankie, and Lily headed with Debbie and Sandy to go ice-skating.

His little girl wiggled impatiently as he strapped on the skates and listened to Sandy on how to do skating on ice. She flew out of his arms, and no matter how many times she fell and landed on her butt, she simply scooched to the wall, grabbed the railing, hauled herself up, and did it again. And again. And again. She was past her nap, cranky and tired, but still wanted to be out on the ice. So Mickey did what any good papa would do when your other half was not watching you not follow the parenting plan; he bribed her.

They stopped at a bakery, everyone getting cookies and hot chocolate, and Lily knew that it was something special because she was not usually allowed that close to her nap time. Luckily, the influx of sugar and all of the exercise worked on Mickey's side. By the time they got home, the sugar rush was crashing, and Lily happily fell asleep in Daddy‘s arms, and Mickey got lavish praise from his husband for the day out with the kids. win win. But now all he had to do was remember the stupid fucking bakery they went to, which seemed to be blocked out of his mind.

*** 

Two hours and four different kinds of cookies later, Mickey and Ian arrived home. Aunt Mandy was back and was hanging out in the bathroom while Lily took a shower. She was not overly thrilled about that, but Mickey pointed out and Ian backed him up that because she still got lightheaded, someone should have been at least close when she was in the shower . 

As they walked in, they noticed a large bakery box from Mandy that had a bunch of different drop cookies, some with almonds, some with cherries.

” They weren’t the ones but they’re pretty good,” Liam said as he calmly stirred the chicken soup on the stove. He was starting to get into cooking and the basics and was really enjoying it and occasionally he would look at Lily and get her to taste at least a spoonful or two of what he was making.

Lily came down the hallway sliding in her monkey slipper socks and flinging herself into Ian‘s open arms.

Then she turned and flung herself into Papa’s arms, and Mickey held her tight. He always kidded about Ian sniffing him, but he loved smelling the strawberry shampoo on his daughter, and he understood why smell gave such powerful and warm memories.

” OK, you two. I am finally caught up and the new seasons of Top Chef are not ones any of us have watched. Do you think we can watch a few episodes before dinner? I did my online schoolwork and I talked to Nelly and Sarah and they are going to live stream the cheer competition for me on Friday night, which is so totally cool.”

Mickey picked her up and swung her around. She was always light but now it was like picking up a towel off the floor.

” Aye , Daddy and I scoured all the bakeries and I think maybe we have the cookie. It’s in the kitchen next to Aunt Mandy‘s box. If I get you one, will you eat it while we’re watching the show?”

Blue eyes met blue eyes and well, Lily did not want to eat; however, the hopeful look on Papa's and Daddy's faces made her capitulate.

She blew a curl out of her eyes. " Fiiiiiiiiine, but that means you have to actually eat salad without bitching about it tonight.” 

Mickey kissed her cheek. ” You just made yourself a deal, punk.

Aunt Mandy flopped on the big double chair and Lily flopped next to her, kind of wrapping herself around her. Lilly was always a cuddly kid, but right now when she was clingy, that was a sign that she was either uncomfortable or feeling sick. Without a word, Ian went to the kitchen and got her a glass of peppermint iced tea; wordlessly, he put it on a coaster next to the chair, gave her a kiss, touched Mandy’s shoulder and flopped so Liam and Mickey could situate themselves on the couch as well. Liam‘s girlfriend Sasha was coming next weekend and the whole house was excited. Sasha’s calm and friendly demeanor did wonders for Lily's anxiety.

The opening credits started to roll when there was a banging on the door, and Frankie and Freddy poured in.

” Hey Lil Pil. We have no idea what cookie you were talking about but then we thought about it and had an edible. Don’t glare at us. Uncle Ian, we didn’t drive; we Ubered all over. So no luck on the cookie, but we found those cream puffs that you used to like and that big weird cinnamon roll thing. So we brought those over. Do you want one now?”

When Lily shook her head, Frankie walked into the kitchen while Freddy flopped down next to Mandy and Lily snagged a blanket and used the chair as a backrest.

” Cool new season of Top Chef. I swear when I open my food truck and get famous, I’m still going on the show,” Frankie boasted.

Lily flicked his ear and laughed.

Mickey was getting his groove on, joking with Liam about some of the contestants and feeling the silent, comforting warmth from Ian when their front door opened and it felt like a clown car poured in even though it was just Iggy and Colin.

Both uncles were carrying large bakery boxes.

As always, Iggy‘s calm and often clouded eyes became sparkling and loving when he focused on his youngest niece. He was so happy that the family without Terri was back together and that Colin and Joey were coming back into the fold.

But, more than anything, he loves the way his niece‘s face lit up every time she saw him; she got up and tackled him like she did when she was a small child. It was a game they had and today he went down like a sack of potatoes, even though he felt like he had been tapped with a feather. 

“ Uncle Iggy, Uncle Colin, what did you guys do? Frankie and Freddie got stoned and bought pastries. I’m having the weird sensation that both of you did it too.”

Colin peeled her off of Iggy, who was pretending to be injured and gave her a big hug.

” I fucking wish but no partaking for me. I have a piss test next week for my PO and I have too many reasons to not go back in. Your degenerative Uncle Ignacio smoked enough for himself, me, and Snoop Dogg. I remember when we were working on this house when you were about two or three, and you couldn’t get enough of those chocolate chip cookies from the bakery down the street. We bought a couple dozen and scared the hell out of the guy who owns the Chinese food place on the corner. We figured if we couldn’t find a Ukrainian bakery that had almond cookies, we would just get all the almond cookies that the Chinese place had; we bought four boxes.”

Lily rolled her eyes.” You guys are so sweet, even though I really don’t think I’m going to be able to eat a lot of this.

”Well, at least try, baby girl,” Iggy said, dusting himself off. He walked by Mandy and smacked her head. She grabbed her brother‘s arm and proceeded to give him a static burn on it. As the slap fight ensued, Lily took it all in, and then soon Debbie and Sandy were walking through the door. She wasn’t surprised to see yet another bakery box and her favorite Jamba Juice.

” OK, Lily. I kind of remember Aunt Laura sneaking us cookies every once in a while but honestly, I have no idea what flavor they were. We were just happy to get food, to be honest. But we went to that Ukrainian bakery over on Cermac and bought two of everything they had. I think the cookies you’re talking about are Russian but I didn’t want to say that to the little lady behind the counter; I was pretty sure she’d stab me .”

Sandy reached over and gave Lily a side hug. The whole family marveled at how affectionate Sandy was at times with Lily. She loved Debbie and was affectionate with her and loved her whole family, but growing up like Mandy, a girl in their household, she had learned that she was subject to a lot of bad touches. That made her hesitant in life. But ever since she came back and she and Debbie reconciled, she was affectionate with Lily and the other kids .

Lilly stuck her head into the kitchen and looked at the plethora of boxes and bags. ” I love you, whackadoodles, with my whole heart, but you realize that there’s more pastry in this kitchen that, if you put it on a scale, probably weighs more than I do right now.”

” Well maybe you should eat some of it or at least try Lily and then it won’t weigh as much.” Liam quipped.

Her response was flicking her brother the middle finger.

Mickey sat up a little straighter. "Punk, the chemo was not a free pass. You know it bothers the shit out of me when you do that.”

Lily looked at her papa and just shook her head. ” With the rate you all flip each other off, I’m surprised all of you don’t have arthritic fingers. I know, Daddy and Papa, you both see me sometimes as still five but trust me, it’s OK if I flip people off. Heck, in this family, it’s a sign of affection.”

In a show of solidarity. Everyone in the room smiled and flicked Mickey off.

Just then Uncle Lip and Aunt Tammy came through the kitchen door, also carrying large bakery boxes. Lip took one look at the scene and smiled his smarmy grin.

”Well, hell, we got here in time. It’s always a good day when I walk in and somebody’s flipping Mickey off.”

” Ha ha, very funny, Philip. You know these are the reasons my daughter is trying to act like a degenerate.” Mickey joked, his eyes soft as he looked at Lily.

” Oh wait, being a Milkovich and growing up around her reformed thug fathers has nothing to do with her attitude. Seriously, Mick, did you hit your head or something?”

”Ha ha, chucklehead. All right, tell us what you added to the bounty of baked goods.”

” Well, we struck out on almond cookies, but we found those butter spritz cookies that really like some have nuts and some sprinkles. Oh yeah, and we got those weird little chocolate croissant mini things that she likes. “

”Papa, did you send out some kind of distress call for pastry because, well, it all looks great but it’s a lot.”

” Yep, pastry for the patient; whatever my punk wants, my punk gets."

” Cool, can you all remember this moment when I’m 16 and I want a car? Also, you can all contribute or I can just get what I want apparently because that’s what Papa just said.”

Before Mickey could stutter into a rant, Ian got up and said, “Here’s the deal: I am going to make a cookie plate and put it on the coffee table. I say screw traditional dinner. Liam made chicken soup; there are pastries for days and apparently we’ve got to figure out who our favorite and our least favorite are for this new season.”

There was a thud as the door opened again .

” Soup and sugar , hell yeah, just in time. “ Carl stomped the snow off of his boots and balanced the big pink box as he took off his coat.

” More pastries?”

“ Yep. I remembered the cookie because I watched the red-headed Cookie Monster that night when she was little and she sang the song Pryaniki over and over . Burned it in my brain . It’s a Russian cookie, by the way . The local bakery adds almonds for crunch .”

They were all amused when Lily shrieked and grabbed the box to her chest and went to help Ian plate all the goodies .

Ian handed Lily an old ceramic platter and smiled indulgently as she watched her plate the treats and suck some powdered sugar off her finger.

He grabbed the Instant Pot and brought it out to the buffet by their dining room table that led into the living room room. He set up a bunch of mugs and spoons. Figuring family could grab that and a cookie or three or 100 based on how many dozens of pastries were spilling off the platter.

Both of them were pretty lenient and indulgent with Lily right now, but Daddy caved slower than Papa. At this point any food in her was good, but he was concerned that she was sticking to things because of safety and fear of being sick.

He took a mug, the smallest one, and filled it up, only halfway with soup, mainly broth, and handed it to her.

” Indulge your daddy, won’t you, Lily? Have at least half of this before you jump into the cookies.” Ian was asking, but there was still that calming, firm, but authoritative tone  in his voice.

She did the perfect version of Mickey, turning his nose up. But then she sniffed it and took a sip and without a word, she carried it back to the chair and curled up, sipping very slowly.

Mickey tried not to get excited; it was the first time in a while. He had seen Lily actually eating more than a bite or two.

Without making her feel self-conscious, he slid up to the chair and melted next to her and Mandy.

” Good job, punk.”

Both her chin and her bottom lip jutted out. “ Daddy said I have to have some.” She made her blue eyes wide and batted her deep red lashes, hoping that Mickey would cave and tell her she didn’t have to eat it. When he didn’t cave, she said it again and then took a few more sips, handing the empty cup back to Mickey. ” Here here’s the evidence for you in the warden.”

Ian blew her a kiss and then winked at Mickey.” You got an upgrade, huh? Not only are you sleeping with a prisoner or a former prisoner but now you’re sleeping with the warden.”

Lilly scrunched her brow and stared at her daddy.” You guys are lucky. I love you. You’re impossible sometimes.”

Mickey ran his fingers through Lily‘s curls to mess it up, his heart hurting, knowing that at some point the beautiful red locks might be gone.

” Yeah, kiddo, impossible is kind of Daddy's and my forte. "

***

Watching TV as a family was not just a passive thing; in their household, it was a spectator sport. Carl was yelling about cilantro, and Mandy was sniffing the air and wondering who the heck thought dates with anything was a good idea. Collin asked Mickey if four of the guys were gay and then laughed because of his brother’s sucky gay dar . And Ian just took it all in.

Ian just saw love . He went from the bipolar, like his mother, forgotten child to the glue that pulled the family together. That was never his plan, but he loved his family so much that being without them seemed impossible. And then having Lily and adopting Liam completed something in him that he didn’t know was missing. Mickey made this parenting world possible for him and not only did he do that, but his husband, who was so afraid of being his father, had become this strong, devoted man, not just to their children, but to the whole family.

At the end of the second show, they heard Mandy very quietly say, "Hey, guys."

Lily had very quietly eaten three cookies during the show and while both Mickey and Ian noticed, they said nothing, just happy to see her nibbling away.

When they all looked over, a smile flitted across every single face. When Lily was little, she was notorious for watching a movie or getting ready for a nap and falling asleep with a treat in her hand. Right now she was fast asleep against her aunt, powdered sugar all over her fingers and a cookie firmly in her grasp.

Chapter Text

❤️

Christmas had never been big between Mickey and Ian. Younger, they had a tree and holidays were fucking under Christmas lights or Mickey using peppermint sticks very inappropriately. But when Lily came bursting into their lives , Ian’s former groomzilla began to live like they had just fallen into a Hallmark Holiday movie marathon.

Lily was adorned with dresses with snowflakes, reindeer, and trees. He spent 300 dollars on holiday books even though Lily was more wanting to chew her papa and the book rather than be read to. He babyproofed the tree, the mantle for the stockings and raved about how the small nativity scene was an accidental choking death waiting to happen. Then suddenly they had two kids and Mickey and Ian began to reduce Liam’s anxiety about money and holidays by just letting him be a kid and not a provider.

Over the years , the kids helped create tradition and Christmas breakfast at Ian and Mickey's was an epic family affair. They were still having it this year . Mickey had suggested maybe canceling it and it caused Lily to run crying down the hall and slamming her door. Aunt Debbie was let in and she came out an hour later and squared up to her brother-in-law.

“ Geez Mickey. I get that Lily being sick is throwing us all for a loop but you need to nut the fuck up , Gallagher. Nothing in Lily’s life looks normal or familiar to her. If it’s too much, she is capable of going and lying down. But it’s not too much for her . Her world for health and safety got small; don’t make it smaller . Now get those obnoxious lights up on the house and prepare to make a shit ton of coffee cake for the hoard .”

Thoroughly chastised, he began to search for the box of stockings and string lights.

***

It was three days before Christmas and the family had been up prepping. Liam helped Ian with the sweet breakfast breads while Mickey sat being his daughter's tape and bow bitch as she carefully wrapped packages. In deep concentration, she would have a tiny furrowed brow as she wrapped presents with surgical accuracy.

Debbie's comment struck a nerve in both dads. With teen hormones, no spleen, cancer, and chemo rumbling in her body, their girl was not herself. They did not want cancer to be her whole world.They had bundled up the car and drove to Northside neighborhoods to look at lights . They went to a cheer competition and sat high up , away from follow-ups. Lily was grinning under her mask.

The fear was there, under the surface , but Mickey felt like he was handling it .

That night he heard a tiny sound, something that had him set upright and toss on a robe to amble down the hall.

His smile grew adorably sappy. Little punk was awake, her ass taking up the kitchen table so she could spread things out to look at them.

Then the oxygen was sucked out of his body.

Mickey had only had this feeling once before . It started in his balls , shriveling as a vice grip wrapped in razor wire squeezed his intestines , his stomach, shredding bile up his throat. It was when he knew what would happen the second Terry said, “Send the Russian.”

This second time was much worse. 

Lily was sitting , not looking at photos or ornaments but strands of red.

Her hair.

Mickey was never religious but he asked God right then and there to stop this for his girl. If so, he would be willing to spend eternity reliving his childhood. Absorb it all so their daughter's pain would stop. He stood rooted in the hardwood floor while waves of acid welled up from his belly.

Behind him he heard a sharp intake of breathe. Ian had woken up.

Mickey could not move; the look of defeat and heartbreak on Lily’s face was shredding him.

Ian moved slowly, approaching Lily cautiously; for the first time in his life , he could read his daughter's expression.

” Lily , baby girl …” He started taking a step to the table . She held up her hand to stop him. Her mouth gaped open, uncertain whether to breathe or scream, then she chewed her lips  pinched together in a hard line. Finally she began to speak , flat and robotic almost .

” They said it could happen any time; I just did not think it was going to happen this fast. “

” Baby girl”

” Daddy , don’t . Just leave me alone. Take Papa and go away .”

Ian watched her .”We will give you space, my love , but you are in shock and Daddy and Papa can not leave you alone .”

Dull eyes met his.

” I just thought I had more time before this happened. I just didn't know what to do.” Tears fell as she looked at the long strands .

” I know, Lily. Papa and I know, “

He studied her for a minute, then squeezed Mickey's hand.

” Lily girl, daddy can’t stop this; I would give anything to. But I might have an idea of someone who might help us figure something out. Can I call Aunt Tami and can Papa sit in his chair by you while I do ?”

” Yes, but don't touch me. “

Mickey finally found his voice.

” My punk, Papa is just going to cop a squat right there. “ He nodded to his chair at the head of the table . Slowly with exaggerated moves, he pulled it out and sat . His eyes tried to look anywhere but at the long strands lying like discarded ribbon.

***

Ian held his breath, hoping Lip had remembered to charge the phone .

He exhaled when he heard his brother's voice , usually smug, now filled with love and concern.

” Ian. Shit , what’s wrong?"

” Woke up to Lil in utter panic . Her hair is starting to fall out. Mick  looks like he is about to stroke out and I am hanging by a thread . Love you but can you put Tami on?”

He heard rustling and then Tami’s sleep-laden but concerned voice .” Ian , what’s up? "

"Lily is not hurt, not physically. Her hair is starting to go . I just thought, well, you said you had long-term clients who did chemo. Anything we can do to get her out of the shock of it .”

Tami heard the dense sadness in her brother-in-law's voice .

” Jabby , warm up the car . Ian, we will be there in twenty.” Tami jumped up and began to pull on sweats.

***

Lip wanted to sob.

He stood in the doorframe of Ian’s house. He was rubbing his brother's back and kept a hand on Mickey's shoulder as they watched Aunt Tami and Aunt Mandy talk to a trembling Lily.

His niece was tiny , taking on the more petite Milkovich size, which he learned was Laura, Mickey and Mandy's mom. Her petite size never stopped her from having a larger-than-life personality, like Mickey. Through this whole journey, he had seen Lily hurting, terrified, angry, and sad. But never this.

She looked defeated.

And there is not a damn thing anyone could do to stop this. He just stood repeating in his brain the serenity prayer over and over.

***

Mandy and Tami were best described as fremeies. When Tami got with Lip, she was uneasy with how casually Mandy was mentioned as a loved partner of Lip. Yes, they were kids then but it still stung. Then she was overjoyed about Mickey and Ian adopting but floored that it was Mandy's baby and that Mandy was not ready to be a mom. Tami had not been either but not keeping Freddy was not something she could fathom. 

It came to a head at Lily's second birthday party. Both women had had a lot of wine and the cattiness was petty until Tami berated Mandy for giving up too easily. They came to blows and when Tami sobered up and pulled the ice pack off her jaw, Lip angrily explained what life was like for Mandy with Terry. The  ladies had a long hungover coffee and talked it out. However, at times they still were uncomfortable with one another.

But not tonight.

Mandy had woken up and stumbled out of the guest room with Ian in hushed tones over the phone and Mickey was watching a sitting Lily like she was glass about to shatter. She told Mickey to go open the door and she sat next to Lily, who had not yet said a word. Tami came in the kitchen and Lip stayed back with his brother and brother-in-law.

" Lily girl, hey look, it's Aunt Tami . I know, Lily , I know . This is so scary and we wish we could stop it ."

"It's really real now. I am now, and everyone now is going to just see a cancer kid , not me." Lily's voice was raw but still a whisper. "

"Anyone calls you a cancer kid and I guarantee I and Aunt Tami will kick their fucking asses."

Tamy nodded. " Totes take someone out for you, pretty girl. Some of my regular customers, when they went through treatment , opted for a super cute, shorter cut in the begining . I know it does not stop the hair loss but it was easier to see small bits being lost than large strands. Then we can totally get you wigs if you want . Make your papa's eye bulge out with all the colors he won't let you dye your hair."

Lily nodded but kept looking at the red curls on the table.

Mandy touched Lily's foot and she did not pull back.

" Lily girl , we can look at these short hair books Tami brought and she can cut it right now if you want. I will sit in front of you and hold your hand."

Lily nodded again and both aunts were relieved as Lily moved at a sloth's pace off the table.

They turned on all the lights and Lily slowly looked through big glossy books while Mandy and Tami set up a chair for Lily to sit in and for Mandy to sit in front of her for support. 

After about 20 minutes, Lily looked up .

" Aunt Tami, could you do this ?" She pointed to a page and Tami came over and hugged Lily . 

" I can, sweetheart, and I think it would be adorable with your cheekbones; you could totally pull it off ."

There was a long, long pause.

"Okay, let's do it. I would rather see small pieces on my pillow than that." Her chin tilted to the hair on the table. 

Tami opened her bag and grabbed her roll with scissors , razor tools, and texturizers. She pulled out a cape and put it around Lily's neck , moving the hair to assess and trying not to wince as a few long pieces came through her fingers.

Aunt Mandy kissed her cheek . "Are you ready to do this, Gallagher?" she kidded.

Lily tried to smile . " Darn straight, Milkovich."

***

The guys sat in the living room waiting for the big reveal. Ian had watched for a minute but came back, tears flowing . It was just hair.He knew that. But his tears were for Lily's lack of control. The pain, nausea, confusion, and hair loss were all beyond her control . It was what needed to be done to get better; the fallout was always at a cost to Lily. He sat next to Mickey, rubbing his leg, knowing his husband was in deep thought and probably did not have the words right now to share. 

Mickey sat , mute, staring at his faded tattoos. It was just hair. But like Ian's red , Lily's spring red curls were a familiar sight, soothing in his life. He hated change and change forced by illness fucking sucked. Lily was born with a riot of big red that matched her little screaming lungs. Power and seeking immediate notice. When he was terrified of being a bad dad or felt like he screwed things up , toddler Lily wanting him to do " piggy tail papa" or " sparkly barrettes please" made him feel like he was rocking this whole girl dad world. 

Cheer team , all the girls wore their hair in specific updos, and Mickey managed to help her curl it up without accidental curling iron mishapes. Her mass or curls fighting for freedom. But those red curls, when Lily was front and center as a flyer or on top of a pyramid, everyone, everyone saw her. And now as a teen, he loved watching her pull it up into a messy bun when she tackled tasks , whether it was algebra or washing the dogs. He knew why Lily was so upset. It was his same reason. Hair loss was the tangible sign of this being real. They could not run from it anymore. Lily had cancer and was getting chemo. What was a private family and friends affair could now be broadcast to strangers. And Lily hated pity . People were trying to be kind; they all knew it . But it bogged down her spirit. And Mickey could not shout this away, drink this away . Papa fixed things her whole life. He could not fix this and it weighed on him like a boulder.

In the kitchen , Lily had her eyes screwed shut to not see the hair falling on the floor while Mandy held her hands. Mandy staunchly refused to cry. She would save her tears for when she was under a hot shower or on the phone with Pat. The grit and strength it took to fight her off or deal with Terry's attacks gave her depth of power. Tonight she gave it all to Lily.

Finally Aunt Tami stopped cutting. "Gonna hold up a mirror, pretty girl, tell me what you think."

Lily stared at her reflection; a short , very short pixie cut was in place of her mane. She leaned into Tami , wrapping her arms around her aunt's middle and holding tight .

"Thank you," she mumbled into her aunt's belly.

" I know we can't stop things, Lily, but some of the ladies also said they do not rinse their hair directly under the shower spray. They fill a cup and gently pour. Some say it feels like they see less of the hair in one shot in the. drain. Want to go show off your new do?"

Lily nodded and walked into the living room. Liam, now up, gave a big smile and a thumbs up. Uncle Lip smiled and kissed her cheek. Daddy came up and cupped her face so gently and checked out the cut .

" It looks good, Lily Girl; Daddy loves it." She flung herself into his arms, relieved, and turned worried eyes to Papa.

" Papa do you like it?"

Mickey crossed the room in a flash and pulled her in tight. 

" Yeah punk , I love it." he looked over his daughter's head and mouthed thank you to Tami.

She smiled and turned to Lip. " Our work here is done . I have ham and cheese quiche to make for Christmas morning."

It was four am but Lily was going to go take a quick shower to wash stray hairs off her neck. She grabbed a plastic Pepsi cup from what she called their casino collection, aka Mickey walking out of casinos with their drink glasses. Before she headed down the hall, she looked at her dads.

"Can I lie down with you guys?"

Mickey smiled. " Of course, punk ."

Mandy went to follow Lily and Mickey could see how emotional his sister was , even though she hid it well.

" Mands?"

" Not ok, Mickey, not even a little . But once she goes to bed and I cry for an hour straight, it will be better. Love you both." She followed Lily down the hall.

***

20 minutes later , Lily crept in their room, crawling between them and stealing a pillow of Ian's before pulling the blankets up in a way that left Mickey's whole side exposed , save the sheet.

Once settled, she sighed.

" I don't hate it; it's just weird."

" I bet it is Lily," Ian answered smoothly.

" Kinda strange seeing my ears , just BAM, front and center . At least they are not ugly."

Mickey tickled her side and she laughed , rolling to Ian for protection.

" Punk , you have Milkovich ears; they aren't bad. Thank god. Next time you video chat with Pat , check him out. He has those royal family, inbred dumbo ears. You lucked out."

"Can I get an orbital piercing for them?" she asked. 

" Nice try, punk but  no" Mickey stated.

"So a tattoo on my ear is also out."

" Yeppers. But on your 18th birthday , I will drive you wherever you want to go to get one." He kidded.

Her tone grew serious. " You think I will be here to make 18?"

Ian pulled her in and Mickey came in for a hug as well.

"Yeah, baby girl, you will be here. Besides the ears, you got the Milkovich fight and the Gallagher stubborness. Cancer got fucking nothing on you." Mickey knew he should not promise that but in this moment it was true.

She stayed still for a bit, then kissed Ian's cheek and rolled to kiss Mickey.

" Ok then. But I am ordering beanies with animal ears on Amazon tomorrow."

Lily fell asleep and Ian and Mickey stayed up another hour , watching her sleep and watching each other.

Chapter Text

Christmas morning was the usual Gallagher chaos. There was laughter and teasing, and even a few pieces of food chucked at one in particular, smart mouth, usually Mickey. But more important to the whole family without saying it, Lily was there. Lily was showing up even though she felt like shit. And she was teasing. Her cousins even got her to eat a bit of food and Mickey and Ian breathed a silent, connected sigh of relief.

Everyone noticed the haircut, and everyone told her how adorable it looked until they actually got her eyes to light up a bite. Everyone knew that Lily loved her hair and that she had been dreading the fact that it could fall out since day. The hair loss , along with her port, was her biggest bane around the whole treatment process.

The family turned on football, and Colin was sitting on the floor on a big, huge pillow. Colin had missed most of Lily’s younger years and now he was determined to stay out of jail like Mickey and now Iggy . It happened so fast; Mands got knocked up and then Mickey and Ian were prepping to be dads. Colin pretended it was no big deal but deep down it was . Terry was a scary bastard, having multiple kids with three wives and a few with random girlfriends . Hell, no one was sure if Sandy was really Ronnie’s or Terrys . Terry expected devotion , loyalty, and obedience .

He raised them rough so he had no idea what to do with his smallest son, who at 5 wanted to color and sing with Mandy . They all suffered under Terry but Mandy and Mickey got the worst; Mickey most certainly caught the worst abuse . Iggy and Colin spent their teen years pulling Terry off their youngest brother and sadly keeping him from crying so he did not get beat more .

Around 17 , Mickey changed. He smiled more when Terry was not around . They all had no clue it was Ian. Then Mickey was married, came out, and went on the run . That he took in stride. Besides the coming out , all the rest was typical Milkovich stuff .

Then suddenly Mickey was a dad . Not that Colin thought Mickey would not love a kid , but Mickey was convinced he would have no clue how to care for a kid. But getting that text of Mickey holding a newborn Lily, Colin realized how perfectly suited his baby brother was to fatherhood. And watching his brother look collected and calm, he knew inside Mickey was terrified. Ian and the kids were his life; losing any piece of that was not part of the equation.

Lily was looking worn out and Colin smiled. She grabbed her body pillow and flopped next to him.

" Whats up, spitfire?"

" Tired Uncle Colin "

" Then go rest, girlie."

" If I go lie down , Papa and Daddy will panic."

"Ah, fuck that, come on, I will tuck you in and kick anyone's ass who gives you the oh no look , ok?"

She nodded.

He pulled her up and looked at his brother and brother-in-law. 

" Lily and I are going to go have a chat; be back soon."

***

Mickey watched them go , a warm feeling in his chest. His relationship with his brothers was complicated. He loved them and really did not realize that until he and Ian began to build a life and Ian had invited his brothers over more. Colin and Joey were big, brutish, and for many years followed Terry's bullshit. Iggy wavered, but like Mickey, he went along. They were hard on each other , pitted against each other by Terry all the time. But now as an adult , he realized his brothers protected him and Mands the best they could.

Conversations. That is how Colin got Mickey away from Terry when he was in a mood . Colin would pick up a porno or a baggie of weed and tell everyone he and Mickey were going to go have a conversation about girls or a conversation while they got high. He would take him into his room upstairs and would let 7-year-old Mickey color or 11-year-old Mickey get a nap. That way Terry did not get on him. 

Conversation with Lily . Well, Mickey was almost 100 % certain that Lily was tired and did not want folks to worry. Uncle Colin was covering.

Getting to Lily's room, he marveled that it reminded him of Mandys. Growing up, his sister's room was the only one in the house that felt like people should live in there . Bright, clean personality over dirt and trash. Lily's room held her personality. Sunny , cozy, and inviting .

Lily flopped on her bed and began to nuzzle into a pile of blankets, her foot sticking out . Colin began to try to clean her rocker off to sit.

" Uncle Colin, you can sit on my bed if you want; everyone else does; it's fine."

Colin smiles and sits on her bed . " You know the last time I sat on your bed , I broke it. Well, not completely; I had to replace a board under. It was your firetruck bed and you were 6 . You had a nightmare, and I was watching you. The bed made a crack sound and you laughed. Your papa wanted to kill me but you were good."

She giggled. " This is a real bed, and it has held me , Liam, Frankie, Freddy, and my friend nola . You will be fine, Uncle Colin.

He sat and watched Lily struggle to get comfortable. " Hey give me your arm."

A thin, freckled arm popped out from under a royal blue micro fleece. He began to trace patterns on it and watched Lily relax.

" I used to do this to your Papa when he was little. Terry and Laura would have just had a five-hour trash-the-house fight or a party. Mandy was allowed to go sleep with Iggy but Terry made Mickey stay in his room , not be a pussy. Those fights were rough and of course, us kids got backhanded or something during them. Terry was notorious for being drunk and coked at the parties and if us boys did not move fast enough to get him or a buddy something, we got the belt. Your papa was smaller than the rest of us so sometimes he could not keep up. Terry would just whip us right there in front of everyone and you could not cry. So when everyone was passed out, I would sneak in and stay with Mickey, doing this on his arm to soothe him. I wish I could have done more, Lily ." His blue-grey eyes misted with tears.

The wan face peeped out of the covers.

" Uncle Colin, Terry was an asshole and the fact that none of you died really surprises me. You tried your best; you were a kid too. I mean, you were the oldest; who protected you ?"

His smile was soft but painful . " No one, Lily. I took care of myself."

Her blue eyes softened to almost a pastel , so much like Mickey's when he was a child , before Terry taught him to hide anything kind.

"Here, give me your arm, Uncle Colin; I got you."

An hour later, Mickey and Iggy went to check on the pair . They stood shoulder to shoulder, memories of their angry brother who, when not in Terry's sight, could be loving and protective. Collin was sitting against Lily's headboard, mouth slack, snoring. Lily was curled next to him, her face in her pillow. Both had fallen asleep tracing patterns on the other.

Mickey pulled a blanket up on Colin. His big brother snuck in ways to care for them all. 

"We got another hour till dinner; let's let them be." He nodded to Iggy. He leaned over and kissed Lily's cheek.

" Theres my punk."

Then he reached over and placed a kiss on Colin's stubble. " Love you, big brother."

***

The holidays had passed and they were in a routine . Lily would do her schoolwork via an online system and her friends came by or FaceTimed her often. Mandy and Iggy stayed during the day so Liam could do his schoolwork as well. Meals were still silent battle zones for Lily and now she wore cup beanies and headscarfs. Round two of chemo was coming . This round they were adding her radiation.

Combining chemotherapy and radiation can have a synergistic effect, meaning the treatments work better together than separately. This new treatment was having positive effects for treatment based on recent studies. The doctors believed this would work to shrink the lymph tumor; they were not able to cut it all the way out. Mickey and Ian trusted the science but knew the toll this would take on Lily .

The second round started like the first. Check in. Lily went to the art room to see her new friends also in treatment , while Mickey and Ian made up the room. They would stay the first night and Lily had three to five days here depending on her responses to treatment. When Lily came back , Mickey watched Ian clock Lily with great concer. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her mouth was tight, as was her jaw.

Ian went over to her and let her flop in the large chair. She looked up and Ian realized their daughter had lost yet another innocent childhood moment.

" Daddy "

" Yes my love."

"Mitchell died, Becky just told me. They had not caught him quick enough. He was only 7 ." She put her head into her hands and just froze. Ian and Mickey held her but no tears came. She stayed like that, then climbed into bed and put in an audiobook, holding Sneaky Bastard and tuning even Liam out. 

Mickey and Ian went out to the nurses station where Mike was working. They could tell he had been crying as well.

He looked at Mickey and Ian sadly . " I have been on this floor five years now; it never gets easier. Mitch was our youngest right now on the floor. Lily last time taught him orgami . Look, when we lose a kid here , our other kiddos mourn and grieve hard; it also makes them think about their own sitiation. If Lily is quiet or lashes out, it is normal. We have a grief counselor now on the floor the next few days; Lily already knows that. Give her space, okay? Most of the kids will talk about it, but on their own time."

Both men nodded and could feel the air of sadness that was on the floor. When they went back, Liam was sitting near Lily, who had basically turned to stone. But she was at least letting Liam touch her.

Mickey looked at his kids, thinking Lily might talk more to Liam without him and Ian lurking.

"Ok, Daddy and I are headed on a smoothie run and to pick up that book for you, Lily. We will be back in about two hours. Love you."

They headed out confident that Lily would talk to Liam; they were so wrong.

***

They had found two of Lily's books and Mickey found a book on Al Capone when both their phones went off.

" Wait, what, Liam? Slow down. fuck, no, I'm not mad at you. Wait, is that who is on the phone with Dad?"

at the same time

"Wait, she what? Okay, fuck, I'll be right down."

They looked at each other and ran to the car, filling each other in .

Apparently Liam dozed off and Lily walked past the nurses station, saying she was going to the reading room. Security footage shows her leaving the hospital at the main entrance.

She had just wandered back in and was at the nurses station on her floor.

They parked in two spaces and flew upstairs.

The nurses , doctors, and hospital administrator all braced for impact. They had all been on the wrong end of a Mickey Gallagher rant or tongue lashing.

Surprisingly , they watched him just fold his arms and stare at his daughter, almost seeing the cartoon-like smoke puff from his ears.

Instead it was the gentle, charming Ian Gallagher who lost his proverbial shit.

" Lily Gazer Gallagher, what in the actual fuck was going through your head?" His chin jutted out sharp .

Lily matched him chin for chin. " I needed space."

" Really there are 14 atriums in this damn hospital; how about trying them?"

She shrugged . " Needed a change of scene."

Ian rubbed the bridge of his nose and then squared off with his daughter.

" Lily you can't just run from this when it gets too much."

" Says the man who joined the army to avoid Papa's wife ." 

The staff looked shocked , wife?

" Lily that was long ago and that decision was the bipolar really starting to kick in . You could have gotten hurt."

The chin jabbed up like a weapon . " I am fine."

Ian continued. " Lily this is not ok. You left a hospital MIA right before chemo to go get tacos."

" Papa broke out of prison and ran to Mexico."

Mickey shook his head. " Nuh uh , no little girl , not even the same."

Ian shook his head and that daddy voice, no nonsense, no argument, said firmly . " Go to your room, Lily. Apologize to Liam, who you totally freaked out."

" Fiiiiiiiinnnnne. But just an FYI, you and Papa do not get the burritos I brought back for you. " She spun on her heel and went to her room.

Mike looked at the husbands. "Bummer, my burrito was delicious. Mickey, don't look so worried; this is not a club; Lily is not getting kicked out. But we have had runners before. Look, Lily said some things before she disappeared about not wanting to do this anymore . So we called her therapist on file. Dr. Heather is on her way over to do an evaluation for us."

Mickey looked confused.

Ian took his husband's hand and pulled him in closer to hold him as he delivered the news.

" Baby , this means Lily said things very specifically; they need to see if Lily was just frustrated or if Lily was showing intention."

Mickey looked at Ian. "What, intention for what?" 

"Baby, suicidal intention. To see if Lily is giving up." Ian's heart hurt but it also hurt for Mickey . His husband had weathered that storm with Ian and it drained him and terrified him. He watched Mickey grow an ashen gray.

" No , fucking no. Our girl is not giving up; she is a fighter."

" And Dr. Heather will figure out what is going on. “

Mickey needed a minute to calm down before they went in . Ian had a poker face but Mickey was a wreck. They held each other silently and then finally started to head for Lily’s room.

“ Mickey, hola. “

oh shit, not now. Because it was innocent enough, he did not tell Ian, and now it was going to look like a fuckton of a big deal.

” Tito, hey, um so this is my husband, Ian."

Ian smiled, wondering if the older man in a CNA uniform was an old acquaintance from the joint; Mickey was too friendly for it to be an old Terry connection. 

The older man shook Ian’s hand . “ Ah , Mickey's great love. Paulo was sad when Mickey came back to the states to be with you . But my brother understands true love . I told him you were doing well when we had coffee. Oh, my shift is starting . Ian, it was so good to meet you. Prayers for your little one .”

Tito left and Mickey could feel Ian’s anger and his stressed-out redhead's brain jumping to conclusions while the voices were trying to twist and take hold.

“ Red, this is so not what you are thinking. “

Mickey could feel the icy sarcasm dripping out of every word.

” Really, Mickey, because right now what it seems to look like is that you have been chatting with your ex-boyfriend‘s brother. Not like, Oh hey, you’re in the hospital working; I am here too. What a coincidence. But now you’ve apparently had conversations over coffee. Maybe I should see if Caleb‘s sister is available to go have tea with me or how about Trevor‘s brother? Could catch up on the past and pass messages back and forth to each other. Why the fuck do your ex and your ex's family understand what’s going on with Lily?”

”Ian it didn’t happen exactly that way and it’s not that I forgot. I just knew that this would unsettle you and so I hadn’t said anything."

” Oh, and when would it be a good time for me to know ? How about when you FaceTime with your ex over dinner with his brother when you started exchanging texts and pictures with your ex? Jesus Christ, Mickey, our daughter is sick and you’re playing catch-up and learning about what’s been going on with your ex-boyfriend. Fuck you, Mickey. I don’t want to talk about this right now, especially don’t want to talk about it in front of Lily so you know what? We’re going to go in there and you’re going to shut your damn mouth and you’re not going to say another word about this to me right now and we’re going to fucking take care of our daughter and then you can go canoodle with whoever the fuck you want.”

Ian took a cleansing breath and then pushed into Lily’s room.

Liam was munching a burrito and rubbing Lily’s back .

” So Miss Lily is pretending to sleep and I kept her from throwing out your stuff. Hoduni over here actually had a taco on her escape . So Mike said someone has to be here during the day too since Lily left. They took her vitals and blood; treatment is still a go. Doctor Heather will be here tonight at four .” 

Ian kissed Liam and touched Lily's shoulder . Despite being pissed that she left the hospital, scared that she needed a mental health check in , a small part of him wanted to laugh. Lily played possum better than anyone . One time at five , Mickey told her she was getting a time-out after nap. She faked sleep for five hours. 

Mickey , his husband, is having coffee with his ex's brother and keeping it a secret; fuck him . 

They sat in silence.

When Dr Heather pulled them into the hall, she could feel tension between Mickey and Ian. She knew Ian had his own therapy appointments and Mickey had a call with her in two days but for now she was here for Lily.

She patted both  men’s arms and told them that she would decompress with them after. Heather went in to talk to Lily and Ian just looked at Mickey and said coldly, I’m going for a walk and he left.

 Mickey kicked his legs out in front of him and tried to remind himself that every bad time in their life before this had passed, and this would too.

Then he grabbed his phone, unlocked it, and made an I need advice call to one of the last people he admitted he needed. Lip.

” Mickey , shit, did Lily run again ?” He could hear Lips's concern.

Mickey smoothed his brow. 

“ You know the boneheaded shit that I sometimes do where I forget that Ian is not fragile china and I try to keep shit from him not to upset him, then it blows up in my face? I just did it.”

Lip sighed. "How bad?"

”The Mexican ex-boyfriend's brother works at the hospital.”

” Mickey, yeah, you are fucked. Look, my brother is texting me nonstop. So you talk; I talk him down via text and when I stop by the hospital, whatever I say , act surprised.”

” Yeah, and Lip… thanks “

” Whatever , I can not break in another brother-in-law so this gets fixed .”

Ian came back before Lily’s session ended . He did not say a word to Mickey . 

Doctor Heather came out and the administrator and care team leader joined .

” Lily has elevated anxiety but given all that’s going on. I would suggest Valium for her anxious moments, as it is the least invasive with her meds. She agreed to meet with my colleague, who works with children with severe illness. She is depressed but not suicidal. She has started back with her no-bolting pact. Mickey, Ian, and Lily will be okay; she just needs understanding. The personality is different but it’s Lily; with therapy , it will help.”

Ian nodded, then headed in to see Lily . She was no longer playing possum but was sitting on her bed . She had been crying. When Mickey walked in, she twisted her seat.

” Daddy, papa. I really did not mean to scare anyone; it was just that the walls were caving in. “

Wordlessly , they moved to their daughter , holding her.

“ Can we play Scrabble? Dirty words allowed ?” Lily asked cautiously. 

“ Sure Punk. “ Mickey watched Ian give a small smile as he went to grab the board game from the game closet down the hall .

” Daddy is mad at you , huh, papa” Lily pulled her beanie down .

“ Yeah, I was an idiot , but it’s ok, Lily. I’m going to fix it .”

” You guys always do , Papa. "

***

Mickey just had a triple word score with numbnuts when Lip sauntered in with a hibiscus boba for Lily.

“ Hey you three, I and Tami have a plan . Lily I know your dads will stay tomorrow night since it’s chemo day . But the next night Tami says, Let’s have you all do a girls night . Mandy, Tami , Debbie, and Sandy . Nails, facials, donuts. Mandy stays overnight and brings you home if you get sprung the next morning .

“Mickey and Ian , we got you a room at the Claridge . Hang in robes , get room service."

Ian was about to protest when Lily looked at him. “ Daddy you guys should do it, please. “

Ian sighed; he just was over Mickey's bullshit but for Lily, he would go. 

” So , it’s a date, Red?” Mickey's eyes glowed with love and hope.

Damn, Ian could not resist that look.

He gave a true smile to Mickey. ”Yeah, Mick, it’s a date. “

X

Chapter Text

Lily had chemo and radiation the next day.

This second round, everyone  knew what to expect. It did not make it suck less.

Ian kept his word; he was friendly and loving around Lily but Mickey knew his husband's brain was working overtime. Ian did his super daddy thing , simply carrying Lily around and not flinching as she vomited on him . EMT Ian crept out , making sure Lily was hydrated and her pulse not too high.

Mickey had always been a sympathizer with puke and would gag whenever someone else did. But for Lily, he held the puke bag without a sound and sang to his girl as she got sick. His heart was a dull ache realizing he did not have to hold her hair back; little was left. Finally spent , their girl got an IV that did not make her ill and her pain and anti-nausea meds started doing their job.

Ian had stripped down to a tank , his dirty shirt in a hospital bag. He held her as Mickey and Mike changed her sheets and a female nurse came in to help her change. Once she was tucked in , Ian kissed her .

” Ok baby girl, I smell like a goat. I am gonna clean up in the family bathroom. Here's your phone; call Liam; he has been waiting. Papa will be right here and the crafty bastard lifted you a few extra apple juices. “

He squeezed Mickey's bicep in passing.

When Ian was gone, Lily turned to Mickey.

” Papa is you in trouble as mellow as buying a food dehydrator when stoned or as bad as if you forgot to tell daddy you forgot me at a cheer competition.”

Mickey scratched his brow. “Cheer level sadly. Papa really stepped in it. “

She nodded solemnly as he helped her sip a juice.

” Papa when you guys go to the hotel, you need to have flowers, a peach boba, and one of your sudokus waiting for daddy “

” My sudoku?”

Lily shook her head. Every time you do your puzzles, daddy gets all googly-eyed and clingy . He told Aunt Mandy he thinks you're hot when you concentrate.”

” Ok, I am taking that as a compliment, I think. Yeah, I got some soothing and apologizing to do. “

” You got this, papa. Daddy has had the most time watching you go off half-cocked than anyone .”

Hey.” “ Mickey dropped down to give her a kiss. ”Be nice to your old man.”

Ian came in , his curls still damp, in old sweats and a tee. His Ian.

Mickey stood , stretched, and kissed Ian’s cheek.

” I smell worse than a goat; my turn to hit the showers.”

When he returned, Ian was holding Lily as they changed her IV. Soon she was out.

The husbands crawled into the parent pullout. 

While they held each other , there was a disconnect, and Mickey was panicking. He knew parents of ill children could divorce due to stress. He never thought about it with him and Ian . But by keeping silent about Tito, he put a kernel of mistrust in Ian. He was going to rip that distrust out .

***

The next morning Mickey woke to one of his favorite sights, even in sterile walls. Liam was here and his husband and kids were gathering up straws to blow wrappers at each other .

Lily looked better than last night and Mickey had a sleepy grin watching her eat half a piece of peanut butter toast.

”Papa, you’re awake; you can have my other half of toast; daddy saved you a donut too. “ 

Mickey nodded, accepting a hug and coffee from Liam. Lily was not better but she was not worse. The tests were run ,  vitals  taken, IVs were changed. Lily was ill a few times and slept most of the morning. Ian and his conversations were light but stilted.

Mandy came in about one with jolly ranchers and some adult coloring books. She listened to Liam bitch about a term paper and then grabbed the things to protect Lily’s port while they used the handheld to get her washed up. 

Both dads grinned hearing Lily bitch about wanting her bathtub, candles, and music at home .

Ian glanced at Mickey, who swiped his thumb over his lip. “ She gets that love of the tub from you, Firecrotch.”

Ian regarded the bathroom door with a tender look.

” It’s soothing . Remember when she was four and would try to put her toys in the drain to stop the water? Man, she would get so pissed with us. Gets her lungs from you, Mick.”

” Ian, I am sorry…”

” I know, Mick. But not right now, ok?

He squeezed Mickey's knee and both men had wide, genuine smiles as Lily came out .

” Are you guys still here? Tami , Sandy, and Debbie will be here soon. Aunt Tami bought me glitter polish. You hang out any longer and papa is getting gel tips.”

Mickey pulled Ian up. “ No clue what that is, but taking daddy. “ He hesitated. “ Only if you are sure, punk. “

Lily was sucking on an orange push pop that Nurse Mike had dropped off .

” I am sure everyone has a phone and we will call you. Love you both; please stop hovering and ruining the girl vibe .”

They kissed her and left, both ignoring the pull to stick to their girl like glue.

They rode to the hotel and checked in , both sinking onto the wide grey couch overlooking Lakeshore drive . Mickey got up, grabbing him a beer and Ian a seltzer with lime .

Coming back, he found Ian, head in hands, sobbing .

He put down the drinks and flew to Ian’s side.

” Sweetheart, Ian”

He touched Ians  arm .

Ian looked up, eyes red. ” I just feel like we should not be away from her . I just am trying to not smother but we can’t lose her or you.”

” E, I’m not going fucking anywhere. “

The eyes morphed from sad to angry.

” So you never thought sharing information about our life with your ex's brother could put a target on you, her, Liam, and fucking us. Do you not remember he still has cartel connections or do you only remember his dick in your ass? I have always mentioned if I ran into an ex or their family. Except my exes won't have someone put a bullet in you . Why keep it from me , you had coffee with the motherfucker and never mentioned it. You want that old life, fine but not until Lily is stable.”

Mickey did as Ian often told him; he paused. He felt a bit ill; he never thought of the cartel situation. He knew his ex was almost out but he sure as fuck was not telling Ian. 

He sank between Ian’s legs and cupped his husband's face.

” Ian, look, sometimes you know I get all hyper focused and I try to keep you from being stressed and I make it worse. This was that . I did not have coffee with Tito; he sat down by me while Lily had her bloodwork. I barely heard heard him but it was nice to not be just a dad waiting for their sick kid. I don’t care about my ex. I don’t miss him and never bottomed for him. Ian, you and the kids are it .I mean it. I fucked up but I never meant to hurt you.”

His eyes pleaded with Ian.

Ian sighed. ” I fucking can’t stay mad when you look at me like that."

Mickey pulled up and into his arms, and finally he felt his husband relax.

" C'mon Red. You, me, hot shower, hotter sex, and room service. Then I need a nap."

They tumbled into the bathroom , stripping as they went. In the steam, they held each other, taking the time to let some of the fear and stress wash down the drain. Touches and kisses were sweet, tender, and needy.

Soon though the heat of the water, heated both me. Kisses were more aggressive, touches, primal, and longing. They barely got out of the shower and dried off when Ian manhandled Mickey onto a large ottoman by a chair that looked out on the skyline.

" Only me, only my dick in your ass, huh, baby?" Ian grabbed a handful of the pale, sexy ass and squeezed.

Mickey was on his hands and knees, ass up and thighs spread wide. " You know it's only ever been you, man. Fucking love you, and I love how your dick has wrecked my ass for any other man. Fucking get on me!"

Ian grabbed lube from his back pack and teased Mickey. His fingers kneaded Mickey's ass as his finger , slick with lube, massaged his husband's rim, small presses inside and stretches, small.

Mickey put his head on the cool fabric , reached back, and pried his ass cheeks apart so his perfect rosy hole was on display.

" Ian , please. "  He was rewarded with 5 smacks to his ass.

Ian began to prep, one finger in , sliding , stretching, and teasing Mickey's prostate. By finger three, there was a mumbling, begging mess. He almost gave a sob of relief , feeling Ian's large, weeping tip pushing on his rim. That first push was like a drug hit: warm, shocking, burn. Then the thrill and euphoria start.

Both men needed to be pulled out of their heads, so this was a rough fuck, moving them to release.

Ian gripped Mickey's hips , leaving bruises as he slammed into Mickey , pounding his ass and growling about owning Mickey; he was all his and any man who ever dared challenge that would rip limb from limb. jealous Gallagher made Mickey swoon like a teenage girl every time. 

Ian maneuvered, and Mickey was held , impaled on his husband's cock, as Ian quickly lifted his husband and sat. Mickley was no longer a cowboy on Ian's lap. Ian wrapped around tight , holding Mickey's waist as Mickey began to ride, bouncing on Ian's cock , babbling about how fucking good it felt, how he was all Ian's, forever. Soon the large warm hands left his waist. One hand cupped and fondled his balls, teasing his taint. The other hand wrapped around Mickey's throbbing cock and began long, firm strokes.

" Not gonna last much longer, Mick. fucking cum with me."

Mickey bit his lip and as he felt Ian's hot and thick cum fill him, he began to erupt, coating his belly and Ian's hand.

They rode the orgasm for a while; both men spent . Ian picked Mickey up and went to the couch; he laid down a blanket and then lay with Mickey on his chest , then pulled a second throw on them. Watching the bustle below , both men drifted off.

Three hours later, bleary and content, they ordered room service. 

As they were eating their steaks, Ian’s phone rang, and the ringtone flight of the Bumblebee" filled the room.

Lily.

” Hey baby girl, “ Ian began.

Mickey watched Ian’s face drain .

He hung up. ” Mandy knew no matter what we were doing, we would pick up a call from Lily. We need to head back; they are moving Lily to ICU .”

Chapter Text

💕

Ian and Mickey did not even remember driving to the hospital. They flew into the ICU waiting room where all the aunts sat , tense and pale. Lily was having a good time but began running a fever . She fainted, fell out of bed and the crash team shooed them out of the room . That was all they knew.  

An hour later, Dr. Taylor , Lily’s oncologist, came out. Mickey was held down by Ian so he did not pounce.

” Ok dads , I think we have this under control. It may affect the timing of her next treatment as we reevaluate her plan. Lily had a small cut on her knee. She was just watching it and putting neosporin on it . That would have been fine except Lily has developed febrile neutropenia. Febrile neutropenia is the development of fever in a patient who has neutropenia, which is a condition where the blood has a lower-than-normal number of neutrophils , a type of white blood cell that helps fight infection. 

Lily’s cut went from an infection to sepsis quickly due to her condition. We are treating the sepsis first and watching to make sure she does not go into seizures. If that happens, we will go back to the medically induced coma , but right now she is responsive. You can go back and see her now. She is sedated and groggy but asking for you both . You can’t stay over in the ICU but visiting is from 8 am until 8 pm and you can stay as long as needed."

Ian and Mickey nodded and followed down the quiet hall, into the ICU.

Ian was almost slammed to his knees in helplessness in this situation. Last night was rough but Lily was still resilent . They left her teasing them and sucking on a popsicle. Now she was a wrinkle in the blanket , just as pale and brittle. She faded into the bed save for the seafoam green beanie from Uncle Carl and a bruise on her cheek from falling. 

Lily. Lily was a fighter, always had been. Now he watched the fight slowly draining out of her. The therapist who had two sessions with her told them that children dealing with life-threatening illnesses often showed their anxiety as personality changes. Often in recovery they came back into themselves. She reminded Ian and Mickey that while Lily was intelligent and sure of herself, her young brain was still developing. Exploring your mortality at any age was scary. 14. it’s all-consuming. 

Ian's rational brain knew that, his heart watching Lily fade, it could not accept it.

The now exhausted purple eyelids fluttered open and you could see she was struggling to process .

” Daddy, papa, sorry I ruined your night out .” 

They pulled up chairs and Ian smiled at their daughter.

” Lily girl, nothing to be sorry about , you know that. “

Mickey fiddled with her blankets. “ Not sure why you are apologizing, punk. You would think that fancy, schmancy hotel had good steak. It was for crap; the low-fat turkey meatloaf here is much better than that slop.”

” Liar” she huffed softly.

Then she fell back asleep. Ian went out to talk to the family and talk Liam down. It was only Mickey and  Ian allowed in the ICU and their usually stoic son almost pulled a Shirley McCain terms of endearment moment at the desk. He was frantic. 

***

Mickey sat watching Lily sleep, the drone of the machines finally melting into white noise. When she was a baby, he would get up and watch her sleeping. It used to calm him , her little body warm and safe in her crib . She was always a deep sleeper when she finally fell asleep. He used to marvel at how a child , not fearful, could sleep so soundly. He never thought he or Ian slept like that as children. He dealt with parties and violence and Ian slept in cars and alleys until about four or five. 

Now his girls sleep was not restful , painful, and forced by exhaustion and medication. He hated this for her. He hated this period. Fuck that, this was beat down walks, howling into the void hate. Despite his original fears about kids, he turned out to be a family man. His family. His precious cargo. And he was enraged and exhausted and ready to fight the world.

Ian came in , eyes tearful and red. His lip trembled and he took a shuddering breath. He sat next to Mickey , also watching g Lily. He stroked Ian’s cheek.

”How are you doing, E?” He was concerned this was affecting Ian’s mental health.

” Concerned , like you. No triggers, no symptoms if that’s what you are asking. Love you, Mick, not as subtle as you believe.”

”Yeah.”

Ian had to be physically pulled away from Lily when visiting hours were over. Mickey finally got Ian to take his meds at 10 and his big red head fell asleep by midnight.

Mickey sat up with Liam, watching movies and calming Liam’s fears about Lily. Both dropped off about 2am. By 7 am , Mickey and Ian were heading back up to the hospital, waiting for visiting hours.

Lily was awake when they came through the doors.

The nurses had warned them that Lily had woken up late last night, very confused . She had been pulling at her IV, unsure why she was not in her regular room. They had calmed her and she fell back to sleep. 

With her level of infection, confusion was expected, and the nurses did their best to prep parents.

Sitting by her , she scrunched up her nose.

” Daddy, why am I not in my room? I want Sneaky Bastard. Papa, my face hurts, and I want ginger ale” Lily looked five seconds from tears.

Ian leaned in and kissed her, his voice whisper-soft and babying. “ Lily sweetheart, you have an infection from that nick on your leg. You fainted and fell out of bed; that’s why your face hurts. I am sorry, baby, you are not in your room but I will get you Sneaky Bastard in a bit .”

That placated her for a minute and she turned a full pout and blue eyes glassy and wide to Mickey.

” Yeah , yeah, papa is the serving wench , hang on.” He ambled out to the nurses desk and came back with a can and a straw.

” Thank you, Papa.” She took a sip.

” Papa”

” Yes, punk?”

” What’s this thing in my chest? can you get out, like, get your knife out ?”

Her dads looked at each other . Ian took the lead.

” Baby girl, I know the fever and meds are making you fuzzy. That’s your port for the chemo, Lily. Daddy and papa are sorry, love; it has to stay in.”

Lily began to cry.

” I just want to be done with all of this. “

Mickey rocked her and Ian patted her back; soon , exhausted, she fell back asleep.

Both men just sat and watched her .

***

Lily spent four days in ICU and then three days back on the oncology wing. The family was uneasy but understood Ian's and Mickey's decree. Liam and Mandy were in the house and had been isolating to protect Lily when she came home . The rest of the family could FaceTime her but for at least a week, no visitors . They wanted Lily out of the woods . Her immune system had not had her labeled medically fragile and that was breaking everyone’s hearts.

But she was finally home , yet things were off. The regular responses, her feeling ill , run-down, and sleepy, were normal. One day they found her asleep in the bathroom, the dogs acting as her body pillows and blankets. Mickey carried her to the couch and then sobbed in the kitchen into a dish towel for an hour.

One night Ian woke up to find her making bread and she shooed him away. They found her two hours later , asleep at the table, the dough over proofed. She cried for hours but refused to tell them why it was so upsetting.

They often found her with Liam. She would work on school and Liam did his online class. She would fall asleep with a death grip on her brother's wrist . Liam had a bruise but he didn’t care .

When family could start coming over , one of the first through the door was Iggy. Lily was standing at the counter, dejected and stirring tea .She tossed the spoon and fell into his hug. He cupped her face and just held her gaze. Then in silent agreement he grabbed her mug and they headed to her room. She flopped dramatically on the bed and he followed suit, equally as dramatic.

Lily giggled.

Mickey and Ian were folding laundry when they heard it.

” Your brother really is the Lily whisperer.”

Mickey nodded, thanking his stars that Iggy had become part of their life.

***

” Lil bill, I am getting worried, girl. I know these treatments are attacking the cancer but the side effects are kicking your ass. It’s expected. I am more worried about where your head is at. It’s like it’s a Lily shell. My sweet pea, what’s going on in there?” Iggy put his hand on her heart .

She sat chewing her lip , reminding him of Mandy at this age, trying to navigate a tough day.

Finally she looked at him , the blues shattered and weary .

” I don’t know, Uncle Iggy. It’s like there is this big knot inside me , worse than the fucking cancer. Like who I am , it’s just being devoured . I am sick of puking and fevers, pain, and exhaustion. I just feel lost , like I need to do things, just in case but I have no drive. It’s like I am just watching myself go through the motions as this inner stone crushes me. “

The tears started . “ I just want to feel like me again. “ 

Iggy nodded . “ Yeah sweet pea , I want that too. Uncle Iggy is going to help you figure it out. "

She nodded. ” Will you read to me the poetry book you found for me? Your voice is super soothing.”

Iggy nodded. He picked up the worn copy of Tracy K. Smith's Life on Mars.

 

I didn't want to wait on my knees
In a room made quiet by waiting.

 

A room where we'd listen for the rise
Of breath, the burble in his throat.

 

I didn't want the orchids or the trays
Of food meant to fortify that silence,

 

Or to pray for him to stay or to go then
Finally toward that ecstatic light

 

I didn't want to believe
What we believe in those rooms:

 

That we are blessed, letting go,
Letting someone, anyone,

He looked over and Lily was out. He marked their page and just sat with her, formulating an idea . Then when Mandy helped Lily get the bath going, he talked with Mickey.

The next week , Iggy came in and found Lily watching tv.

” Get sneakers, Lily; we are going on an outing.”

She looked up confused.

Iggy sat down next to her .

” We are getting ready to get that stone out of your chest. I thought about this . You are dealing with this like Gallagher . Known the family forever. They had some brutal shit , like everyone else in the back of the yards. Frank, Monica, lots of abuse. But to most of us, they were Damn Leave it to Beaver. They fought, but shit , family dinner, hugs, and their obsession with using their words.”

” Daddy and Liam are really good at it. papa and I are a work in progress."

” Yeah , me too, Lily. But it got me thinking . You are a Gallagher but also a Milkovich . In our Ukrainian/Polish dna is this  squirrelly loud need to explode. Aunt Mandy now gets it out when she does that whole deep clean , violent cleaning where you could do heart surgery on the walls. Your papa has his rants that are the best side of my brother being a gay disaster. All of us have the need to fuck shit up to feel better.”

” How is this an outing, Uncle Iggy? “

” Oh my lovely niece , get up. It’s time to go, Milkovich. “

She put on her shoes and followed her uncle to his car . They drove to a warehouse and she raised her brow .

” We running guns, Uncle Iggy ?”

” Ha ha. Lily, this is a rage room. You are going to beat the fuck out of things. “

Iggy made sure she was zipped into the jumpsuit, gloves, helmet , and eyewear. No chance of cuts . Then he handed her a bat.

She just stood there. 

Iggy went and rubbed her back.

” Everything in here is just stuff, replaceable. No one mourns it breaking. You, Lily, are not replaceable, and we are mourning you being sick. You have mourned long enough,now; fight.”

Lily looked at her uncle. His eyes were more gray than blue. Papa said they were Terry’s eyes but had warmth and compassion. He was right  this ball of frustration was what felt like it was killing her, not the cancer , not the treatment.

She swung the bat and a vase shattered. She kicked over a table , beating it to splinters as a banshee-like wail bounced off the walls. The glass mirror was thrown and her screams magnified as she  broke plate after plate.

” Fucccccccccccck. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you. He was a little kid and you took him . I’m a kid and you are trying to take me. Nooooooooooo. You fucking suck. You are not taking me . I want my life back, my hair back, and my school. I want a view that’s not from the hospital or the house . I want to stop being sad; I want my family to stop being sad . “

They had an hour session; the owner hearing her just let her go. Two hours later she sat , her voice gone and destruction all around. Iggy sat next to her. 

“ Went Milkovich,” she stated. 

Iggy grinned. “ Yeah you did. pretty proud of you.” 

“ Does going Milkovich include a Frosty? " She asked hopefully .

” I used to take Mickey to Dairy Queen and would lift a Dilly Bar for him and Mands. So sure, why not?”

*** 

Carl was coming up the walk as Iggy was carrying a sleeping Lily up the steps. Carl took Lily’s backpack and her half-eaten Frosty and opened the door.

” Uncle Carl, went Milkovich. “

He lifted her hands. “ well part, although I would love to see Ian’s face if you got ink.”

” ha ha, not funny. I was sleeping before you bugged me. “

Carl simply shrugged. “ You have been my Lily bug forever , so bugging is allowed.”

Ian came out of the study. He walked over to the couch where Iggy put her down.

”Ian, she is running a fever but she took the med when we realized.”

” Daddy, I busted a ton of crap.”

” Cool, you look sleepy, but in a good way. “

” Yeah, can I lay down in your and Papa's room and watch tv? “

Mickey came inside with the dogs. He answered before Ian.

” Of course, punk, just drool on daddy’s pillow , not mine.”

He walked her down the hall. She climbed in bed and grabbed Mickey's pillow and grinned .

” Uncle Iggy said I made the Milkovich name proud. “

He pulled a throw blanket over her .” Not going to juvie right?” he teased .

Lily rolled her eyes.

***

Iggy, Carl, and Ian were sitting in the kitchen having coffee when Mickey came in.

He was smiling. He reached over, pulled Iggy into a bear hug and kissed him.

” Fucking love you, bro. Whatever you did , it’s like her spunk is back; Lily is back.”

He turned to Ian. His eyes were wet with tears and gleams of hope.

” She said she is hungry. She wants quote “ only daddy’s chicken parmigiana “ and the rest of her Frosty.” 

Chapter Text

💕

Lily started to come out of her shell. Liam, knowing his sis did best with routines, created new ones. He planned weekly outings to the park and organized family game nights that encouraged her to engage more with everyone. As the days passed, Lily began to smile more often, her laughter filling the house and bringing everyone closer together. Every morning as Mickey and Ian got ready to head to the office , Liam would be dragging Lily into the kitchen. Sometimes she was giggly and energetic; sometimes it was the grunting, butt-dragging papa spirit.

Lily made tea; Liam made toast. Lily always got half a piece. If she was hungry, she just snagged Liam’s. He had her help with the dishes and feeding the dogs. Usually then she knitted or did online work. Napped. Liam would call various family members if they needed to drop off a Jamba Juice or, if they were lucky, sweet potato fries.

By the third chemo treatment , the extended family had the routine down. The first few days after the treatment, Lily was always sick, run down, clingy, and tearful. Sasha stayed one weekend and Lily would flop between her and Liam in his bed , one hand over each other's stomachs. While not doing a gele, Sasha taught Lily other options to do a fashionable head scarf instead of just a beanie.

Tami had brought over several high-end wigs and to everyone’s shock , Lily looked at herself and burst into tears. She ran into Mickey and Ian’s room and locked herself in the bathroom. Mickey was desperate and picked the lock , screaming for Ian as he found Lily curled up. Ian scooped her up and realized she had just cried herself to sleep.

” Mickey baby ; you need to pause. You are going to make Lily get more upset. Go to that Polish Deli, take Carl, and get us all dinner, ok?” 

“Okay,” Mickey replied, his voice trembling with concern. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself before heading out, knowing that a warm meal might help ease the tension for everyone. Mickey was unnerved , paler, shaking like a leaf. He kissed Ian , adjusted the blanket on Lily and left the room.

” Lily Gazer Gallagher, I was the dad who stayed home and dealt with naps. Unlike papa, I can always tell when you are pretending to sleep. That one sleepover last year, remember? Papa  would look at me. Ian, I swear it’s 2 am and those girls are still up like they are at Studio 54. Then he would stomp into your room , stomp back here, and go ,nope they are asleep. By the third time, he actually thought it was just his ears permanently embedded with  teen girl giggling. “

” You did not tell him,“ She mumbled into Mickey's pillow.

” Hey! Gallaghers and Milkovichs don’t snitch,“ Ian said indignantly. Then he lay down next to Lily.

” Why the tears, baby girl?”

”The wig, it looked so unnatural, like I was trying to replace part of me. Did I hurt Aunt Tami?”

” Nah, she is tough, said not everyone in chemo dug wigs. 

“ Daddy?”

”Yes, love.”

” Is this kind of like how you feel with bipolar?" It just keeps taking things; you don’t feel real.”

Ian took a deep breath. Bipolar had taken things but at the same time, it taught him life lessons he might never have had. He nodded to Lily.

” Baby, yes, when I was unmedicated , it cost me quite a bit. But this longer stability , you, Liam, and papa , you are gifts I never thought would come your way. One day this will be behind you, I promise.”

” What scaring her papa half to death, I think she is doing that forever !” Mickey bitched from the doorway.

”Punk, are you better ?” All joking is gone and his voice is soft , comforting.

Ian kissed Lily. ” Hang with Papa; I am going to supervise the hoard unpacking dinner.“ He and Mickey touched in passing. Mickey flopped on the bed, stole his pillow back and handed Lily Ian’s. She curled up under his arm.

She hated to admit it; she was 14 , not a baby. But curled into Papa made her feel safe, really safe, like cancer could not get her safe. As she nestled closer, the warmth of his presence wrapped around her like a protective shield. For a moment, the chaos of their lives faded away, and all that mattered was the steady rhythm of papas heartbeat and the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathed.

” Papa”

”Yeeeeesss,” he said in a fake vampire voice , tickling her. She swatted him with Ian’s pillow .

” Do you miss my hair? I do .”

Mickey breath is slow. He inhaled and exhaled. He knew his kid could see right through any bullshit answer but he was afraid of upsetting her more. He rubbed her back and started.

” So in all the pregnancy books and mommy blogs daddy made me read , they said not all newborns had hair or were very thin. Ok, look, I know gender roles can be a problem and shit but I wanted everyone to know you were a little girl. I bought like 100 baby hair bands with huge bows and flowers from those crunchy chai-drinking , fucking-their-tennis-pro mommy crafters and those stick-a-bow things. Then you popped out , tiny, screaming, and a mass of red curls. Daddy has curly hair; you have bed spring coils. Yeah , I love your hair; yes, I miss seeing it. But Lily , I would miss you more. It’s hair; you are my girl, no freaking competition. “

” Do you think it will come back curly?”

”Not sure but if not, stick a penny in an outlet; that will fix it .”

” Ha ha , not funny.“

He hugged her again. “ Totally funny, just never repeat it to Frankie and Freddy , poncho and lefty might actually try it. Now I got you that black rye you like; let’s go get it before my sister hogs it all. “

He pulled her up, let her go ahead, wiped his tears, and plastered a smile on his face. 

***

The next day, Mickey's phone rang while he was on the rig with Iggy. They answered each other's phone all the time. It was Ian’s doctor's office. Mickey was his emergency contact and they were concerned Ian missed his appointments.

Shit, shit , shit .

He rescheduled for two days out and sank down to think.

With  Lily’s illness , he swore he would take care of things even more with his mental health. He went home at lunch , smiled at Lily, who was doing schoolwork, and went into his and Mickey's room and to their bathroom.

Liam found him an hour later , crying and spacey. Ian had thought he was on top of things. Counting pills, he realized he missed five doses this past two weeks and the thoughts flooded and drowned him.

Lily was his life , with Liam and Mickey and he failed. Failed them, failed to be on top of it. No matter what he did , he still fucked up . Liam sat next to his dad on the cool subway tiles he helped dad and pop install.

” Dad, you shielded me from the bipolar when I was a kid. But I am not anymore. This is a lot; things can get missed. You give us everything and the best life. I love you. Have you felt off”?

”Tired,” Ian was honest. ” Three nights ago, I thought I was dreaming, saw Monica but maybe it was a hallucination. Lily needs me, you need me, I can’t fail now.”

” Hell dad , you built two businesses, have been with the same man since 15 and are putting me through college and Lily in private school. you are kicking ass, dad .”

Just then, Lily appeared in the doorway; out of sorts, she had been left out .

” Are you guy bonding or is  daddy trying to hide that he is going into a low from me ?” 

Ian and Liam both looked at her surprised.

” Oh my God, daddy it’s ok. We knew this cancer was going to add stress and maybe some bigger cycles. “

She slid down the wall and leaned into Ian, who was now flanked by both his kids .

” Daddy, when I got cancer, you told me it was ok to let go, be mad, and be sad. Daddy, I am giving you permission to be low until your meds stabilize .” 

***

Mickey was concerned; he tried to drive the speed limit .

He tossed the keys in the bowl by the front door and followed low talking .

His three loves are sitting on the bathroom floor. Liam was telling Lily about when she was little and trapped her and Ian in the bathroom.

”So this was before I was adopted and pops called . You , Miss thing had snuck into the bathroom and painted the floor and walls with baby oil. Dad almost broke his ass getting to you. You both were trapped until pops got home. I bought a five-pound bag of baking soda to get it all up.”

” I would love to say you only did that once. You found beard oil from daddy’s scruffy phase and spread it on the toilet. I almost flew to Timbuktu trying to take a shit. But what are you all doing in here? Daddy and I have a three thousand dollar bed and a full set of furniture; why not use them?”

Lily shrugged . ”Daddy was too stubborn to tell us he was feeling low and missed a few doses. We were going to make him lay down but Liam can’t fully support him getting up and apparently the girl power you can do anything speech goes out the window when you have cancer. Help daddy up or I start singing let it go”

All three men groaned. From three to five, Lily would often sing that song in a loop. They helped Ian to his feet and got him in bed. Lily got him Gatorade and his meds. Mickey called the doctor.

Lily lay down next to Ian and chatted with him about getting back into cheer. Mickey found them playing cards and finally Ian nodded off. Lily pulled up the covers and turned to Mickey.

” Why is daddy so stubborn?”

Mickey gave a sharp snort. “ Been pondering that for decades. Daddy was the kid who tried to please everyone, keep it together, and not talk about his pain, even when it was bad. He wants to never have his illness hurt us.”

” I hurt more when he tries to hide it.”

” I know, punk.”

” It’s not fucking fair.“ Lily kicked at the floor.

Mickey nodded . ”No, it’s not, but also you are not a sailor one leave , watch the language.“

She threw up her hands and stomped to her room. She came out in a long wrap dress, boots, and a headscarf.

”Dinner is not that fancy, you know that.”

” Papa , tonight is the cheer finals. Uncle Colin said he would take me. Yes, I will wear my mask. Yes, I will not sit within 3000 miles of anyone and yes, I will tell uncle Colin if I don’t feel okay.”

Shit, he and Ian said she could go but this last chemo/radiation session knocked Lily on her ass. She had been so sick from treatment she lost six pounds. He wanted to say no, tell her another time. He heard Ian in his head, reminding him that Lily needed some normalcy. 

Just then Colin came in , playing with the dogs and hugging Lily, then Liam.

”Where is Big Red?”

” Daddy is low; he is resting . Uncle Colin, can we get a giant pretzel?“

Colin gave a thumbs up. “Spitfire, you can have whatever your heart desires. Oh hey , uncle Joey loved the letter .”

When Lily ran to get her jacket, Mickey turned to his brother.

Colin already  had his hands in the air.

” Brother, Spitfire is going to be fine. We all know enough about when she doesn’t feel good and we all know that we need to take it slow with her. But cheer was part of her life for so long and it was everything to her, Mickey. I mean, I know she’s gone to a few other competitions and the girls sent her stuff all the time. They make her feel like she’s still part of the team. She’s not as excited though and one day when this cancer is behind her, she’s going to want to get back into it. Let’s not squish any enthusiasm. OK? “

Mickey nodded. A lot of times in childhood because of his age. Colin seemed like a bully to him. He understood, though, like all of Terri‘s children, you did what you were told even if it meant hurting your sibling or everyone got it worse. He had remembered finding some notes sent home about Colin in a drawer once. The note said that he had been tested and should be in advanced classes.

But by 13 he was hardly in school. Colin had space in his room under a floorboard that was bigger than Mickey’s Heidi hole and his childhood room. Terri would always beat Mickey if he went near any art supplies or was caught doodling. Colin sometimes, though, would take Mickey into his room and pull out a sketchpad and a cheap box of dollar store crayons and let the younger Mickey go to town. So he trusted his brother about making sure that Lily held onto her spark.

Lily came out in her big puffy jacket and jumped on her uncle’s back, blowing kisses to Mickey as she left. When she was gone, he checked on Liam, who was FaceTime-ing with Sasha discussing when her train got in for the next weekend’s visit. Then he went into the bedroom, adjusted the blanket on Ian and stroked his cheek. One green eye slowly opened.

”Ian, it’s going to be OK and you know none of us have been completely on top of things. I should’ve had it in my calendar too. That’s how we normally do it. Just like how you have my doctor's appointments in your calendar. We got busy and now we just have to make sure we get back to having each other's backs. Don’t cry, sweetheart. All you have to do is rest. I am good, Liam is good, and Lily is good. She’s at that big fancy cheer competition right now and, well, she wouldn’t let me staple 50 Lysol wipes to her body. She does have my bear of a brother as her bodyguard .”

***

Colin held his head as eardrum-puncturing screams filled the room. Lily‘s friends from cheer were jumping up and down and waving to her. They all put their masks on so she could go and chat with them. As he watched the shrieking ,the hugging,and the tears, he thought again about what awesome parents Mickey and Ian made. Because damn, being a girl Uncle was hard enough, and they made being girl dads look easy .

The got a space front and center that was reserved with about 5 feet on either side of them so that Lily could watch the routines up close. Colin got up and headed to the snack bar. When he returned, he saw glowing in Lily that had been absent for weeks, months maybe, if he was honest with himself. He sat down on the rickety bleachers and started unloading things into Lily’s hands.

”OK, spitfire, you got your pretzel. you’ve got marinara sauce for your pretzel, you’ve got cheese sauce for your pretzel, and if you’re a pretzel purist, I have a few packets of mustard in my jacket. You are welcome to any of my nachos or the peanut M&Ms. And here is your lemonade. “

He noted, but said nothing as Lily tore into her pretzel.

” Uncle  Colin, do you think I’ll ever be able to cheer like that again? I mean, since I’ve been sick, I’ve watched everybody else perfect some of their things. I mean, Janet’s a great flyer right now and she used to fall over all the time. I just miss it. Please don’t tell Daddy or Papa but I tried to cartwheel and almost knocked myself out.”

”Milkovich’s don’t snitch; you know that. Look, Lily, you’ll get back to this. And I know you’ll work hard and be determined and be back to where you feel you were shining. You walked before you were supposed to, and you talked before you were supposed to. Hell, I think you even started reading at 3 1/2. One day you’ll be back out there kicking ass and taking names and we both know it.”

she rested her head on his shoulder and happily watched her team win all three of its divisions. 

She was still chatting about it when she walked through the front door. Mickey was watching a show, and Liam had gone out to dinner with friends. The first thing he noticed was the chatter, or as he used to say, her chirping. Once they had adjusted to the chemo routine, Lily was starting to have a bit of fire back in her, but he hadn’t seen her this animated in a long time. He also noticed that she had a bag of smash burgers.

”Any of those for me, punk?”

She nodded enthusiastically.

” Hmmm, yeah we got you a double smash burger and those weird spicy onion rings that you like. I know daddy doesn’t often eat a lot, but I got him his favorite turkey burger from there. I figured maybe he can try a few bites when you try and get him to eat. I had half a smash burger and my other half in there so don’t eat it. I might want it OK. Papa. It was so good. We won every category. Can I go stick my head in your room? I promise if daddy is sleeping I won’t wake him up, but if he’s kinda in his sleepy zone, but awake, I want to tell him about tonight, please.”

Lily squealed when Mickey nodded his head yes and he watched happily as she ran down the hallway.

Collin flopped on the couch, and Mickey gave him a once-over.

”Aye, you look like we used to look like after a five-day run with Terri, exhausted and overwhelmed.”

” How the fuck do you do that, Mivkey? The happy screams, the angry screams. Who knows what the fuck they are for screaming? Preteen girls and teenage girls seem to have their own language and I don’t remember it being this bad when Mandy was a kid, but holy fuck, I have had more information about Taylor Swift and backhand springs. And Pinkberry and Sephora are now shoved into my brain that I don’t know if I can find my own way home tonight. That’s how much pink litter unicorn princess screaming I absorbed.”

Mickey patted his brother‘s leg.

“Dude, teenage girls are brutal. I don’t know why we bother torturing people. I say you just shove them in with, oh I don’t know, Lily, when she has PMS and is angry at the world and wants to play the same five sad songs over and over and over and screams that you don’t love her unless you have chocolate. People would be confessing to shit left and right just to get out of that room. Seriously, whatever magic you just worked on The Kid, I love you for it, brother .Cuz. I think she needed that spark back.”

Colin looked somber.

” OK brother, you can get mad at me if you need but let me just get this out there. I know we’re all doing the best we can and her being sick scares the living crap out of all of us. I know it takes a toll. But all these years with your husband and his bipolar disorder are just a part of life. Maybe it’s one that sucks, but there is an acceptance there. There is an acknowledgment of how strong Ian is. He does so much to keep himself level and he has learned how to let others care for him when he is not. He is not a victim and you’ve never treated him like one. Lily has cancer and that’s life-threatening, but Lily is not a victim. And I think she needs to be reminded of that outside of the hospital walls. She needs to be reminded that her passion and her dreams still count. And I’m not saying we’re fucking that up; I am just saying that I think Lily needs to hear it more than she is willing to admit.”

Mickey stared at his brother with wide eyes .

” You know, I was just a kid about my knucklehead brothers, but you're pretty damn smart. I think it’s a good reminder for all of us. You, Iggy, Carl, Lip,Debbie, Mandy, and then all the kids; I don’t think she could do as well if she didn’t have you all rallying behind her.”

Collin stood up and in pure defiance of everything his father never let him show or do, he leaned down and pulled Mickey in for a hug and kissed the top of his head.

”Brother, we’re not just here for her; we’re here for all of you.” 

They sat like that , both with huge grins, as they heard her giving Ian a blow-by-blow of her evening and hearing small, slow murmurs from Ian. 

Chapter Text

After this one treatment, the homestretch.💕

Two sessions left .

The homestretch. Lily was eating small amounts but at regular frequency. Her immune system still needed safeguarding, but her heart was coming back to full Lily wattage.

Lily was at her stay for her third-to-last treatment and she was now okay and often wanting her dads now to only stay the first night when it was the hardest. They came the remaining two days and stayed until night. Family came while Mickey and Ian were at work.

Today Mickey had his therapy so he was meeting Ian at the hospital.

Ian texted that the L was awful and he would meet Mickey there .

Mike was on duty and pointed Mickey to Lily, in the sunroom.

He sauntered in. “ Punk, daddy is running late. I say we make him get us that spicy ramen you both…oh hell no!”

Ok, it may be a children’s hospital, but a hospital all the same; someone could bring him back after his brain exploded.

Lily was sitting on a beanbag under a blanket .

With a boy.

“ Hi Papa.”

Mickey looked for the camera, convinced Carl and Mike were pranking him. Finding none, he looked at his daughter. Who was way too calm.

” Hi, that’s all you can say ?” He sputtered .

”Oh, sorry. This is Craig.“ She gestured towards the tall boy whose shoulder was touching Lily.

The kid looked up and had the audacity to, the sheer balls, to say. “ Hi Mr. Gallagher, nice to meet you.”

Yeah, this kid had trouble written all over him. Just when Mickey was trying to formulate any response besides “ Get your fucking shoulder off my daughter,” Craig stood up and squeezed Lily’s shoulder .

” Time to call my brother. Later, Lily. See you, Mr. Gallagher.“

Mickey spun on his heel and looked between the door and his daughter .

His voice went up three octaves and his face was scarlet.

” LILS, LILS. WHO the fuck was that ?”

Lily crossed her arms. “ Papa. I introduced you to him, it’s Craig. He only has one more treatment left .”

” Good for him; now let’s get back to  my impending stroke. Are you 16 , are you making your own rules? No, you are not. Jesus Lily! In a room , with the door closed , with a boy, under a blanket. With his cutesy pet names and tallness.”

” Daddy is tall too, you know, papa.”

” He is, he is so in trouble too.”

” Why?”

” It’s that pyscho babble bullshit about you going for a guy who has your dad’s traits. “

”Well, you give everyone nicknames , so it’s your fault too.” She tried joking.

” Oh ok , I see how it is . Boys, blankets , sassing me. What’s next ? Juvie, shitty tattoos , running from the law“?

”Again, Papa, that’s you.“

” Lily Gazer Gallagher. You know what would not be me ? 15 , under a blanket with a fucking boy.” 

“No, you were 16; I was 15. But why are we talking about you under the blankets with boys, Mick ?” Ian stood in the doorway , utterly confused.

” Later, Firecrotch, on our stroll down memory lane. Do you know what your daughter has been up to?”

”Well, she is in sweats and slippers so my guess is resting ?”

Ian watched Mickey's brows and arms fly up.

” Oh ho ho ho no. You would think that being the case. Nope. There was a boy in here, Carmen.”

” Craig”

”Whatever.”

”Papa, please.”

Ian felt the air crackle. The blue eyes, both sets, narrowed. Four arms crossed.

A powder keg. Rants, threats, tears.

And that was just Mickey.

Ian walked over and rubbed Mickey's shoulder. Tried to diffuse.

“ Mick, I need some more information. This is a common area for the kids. Boys do come in here , as well as the nurses, like every 15 minutes.”

Mickey squeezed Ian’s hand, hard.

” Side note , I need to kill Mike. No, Ian. You didn't get it. Corey is a boy, boy.

Ian rubbed away the start of a migraine .

“ First Mickey, it’s Craig. Second, I thought you were over that transphobia shit.”

” No daddy. Craig is a boy. Papa is just trying to drive the point home that he is around my age. He is almost 17 .”

Mickey resumed pacing. ” Oh well, that’s more good news. Ian she was sharing that bean bag with a blanket over them.”

Ian looked at Lily .

“ Daddy, it was draped over our knees. Papa is overreacting.“

And the fuse was lit.

”OVERREACTING! Fuck no. My 15-year-old daughter, who is not allowed to date until 16, is letting a boy play hide the salami next to her .”

Ian tried to pull Mickey in. “Baby, I don’t think you are using that term right.”

Lilys face was murderous “ I was sitting there with him, not fucking him.”

Ian winced and Mickey flipped .

”The rules are still the damn rules, Lily. You don't want to be treated differently with this cancer , then fine. You are fucking grounded. You are not to leave your hospital room, then at home your damn door is of“f.

” Mick “

“No, Ian, no. These are the damn rules and yep, I get it; we are old-fashioned, over protective,  assholes . But it’s our goddamn right. You wanted kids forever. We dealt with Svet for Yev. I had just about a nervous breakdown before she was born. I was sleep deprived for 6 months. I used a weird thing to suck snot out of her. I puréed veggies, changed diapers, and sang way too many Disney songs. I have been cried on , shit on and have had frosting and glitter in my hair more times then I should be able to count. I almost lost it the first day of kindergarten; I have nine ulcers from watching her tumble at cheer. So if I want to be an overprotective ass who sticks to the rules , I am allowed to.”

Lily stood up and matched Mickey's tone and posture.

” What? You think I don’t know it. Lily didn't cuss, Lily didn't yell, and don’t talk back. Do your homework. Didn't do anything. Oh, big whoop, papa , stuck in the house. How is that different from the past 10 months? Guessing it’s like jail , minus conjugal visits. Which won’t happen because Craig is just my friend .”

Mickey rolled his eyes .

Lily was the final explosion .

” And he is gay , like 100% daddy gay.”

Ian pulled her in for a hug. “Aww, thank you, baby girl. Now go back to your room, k”

She looked hopeful. ” Can you calm papa down?” 

“ Think the whole Craig is gay thing soothed my savage beast. Go “

She scurried out .

***

Mickey had flopped in the beanbag that Lily and her Gay Lothario just  vacated. Ian flopped next to him , pulling him close .

”Well, that went well.” He smoothed Mickey's hair.

” Aye, fuck off, Red.”

Mickey felt that comforting arm bring him in closer.

” Well, you did use your words; many of them were curses but words all the same. Lily pushes buttons; she seldom crosses boundaries, you know that, right?”

Mickey pouted as he rested his head on Ian.

” Look, it was just they were all close and canoodling. Look, see those markers? Check out Lily’s arm. He doodled on her with little hearts and happy faces and shit. It was like when I would come home with Terry and you were all draped over Mands.”

” Ummm Mick, so exactly like me and Mands? You knew what that was , why jump to conclusions with Lily?” 

Mickey chewed his lip while Ian patiently waited for him to talk. When they were younger , Ian did push people to talk and do things. It drove Mickey crazy. But as an adult, husband, and father, Ian now had a deep well of patience. The big ginger relaxed on a floaty in that well as he waited for his loved ones. Finally, he patted Ian’s knee and began.

” Look, I never felt innocent or anything as a kid. I knew you had big shit as a Gallagher too. Mandy had dad but even in her own way, despite it , she was able to act like a teenager. Lily is not innocent but she has innocence, ya know. I just think of that time I came in and you and Mands were draped over each other doing homework. Then bam , two years later, and Terry forced any part of the childhood we had left to end. “

Ian began to kiss Mickey's neck as Mickey almost curled up into him .

” I know I tease when you get misty at Liam being in his 20s already or anytime you feel like Lily is growing too quick. But you know it bothers me. I spent so many years not wanting Yev, other kids , or to be a dad. Then we get Lily and poof , suddenly my little toddler is almost old enough to date , closer to college than kindergarten. She has bras for Christ's sake, Ian. I just worry. What if this cancer is her version of that day for us? What little, if any, childhood she had left, this cancer took. What if our smart, funny, realistic girl now says, fuck it and becomes reckless”?

Ian turned Mickey so they had eye contact.

” I doubt that is the case. But Mick , if that happens , we help her; we get her help. Yes having cancer is trauma. Yes, it will change her. But baby , she is still here. Lily will be our baby even when she is 80. I watch her and yeah, I get it; I want that toddler in pigtails too. But I also want to see Lily in college , what she wants to be , who she loves, and if she wants to have children.”

Mickey jerked his head and bumped Ian’s chin so hard his teeth rattled.

” What the fuck? What do you mean if she wants to have children? Do you know every time I almost have a nervous breakdown about Liam or her becoming adults and losing my little kids and losing my babies that the only compensation—and I’ve been the only compensation—is the fact that I get to be grandpa and you and I get to be the cool grandparents? Think of it, I mean, Sasha and Liam, those babies are going to be out-of-this-world adorable and you know Lily has good taste so she’s not going to be shallow. She’s going to pick somebody with substance. They’re still going to be hot and then we’re going to have a little beautiful baby to pick up and adore and spoil and have Lily whine that we never let her get away with what the grandbaby can. And yeah, yeah, I know she teases me about what if she’s a lesbian, then I expect her to adopt cute, cute, cute children also. So what do you mean by fucking if?”

Ian tried to hide his amused grin. For a man who never wanted to be a dad and thought he was being a shit dad, Mickey was now secretly obsessed with being a grandpa. And he had had to admit they would both rock the whole grandparent thing. Their grandchildren would be Hella cute. But they never had that talk with Lily, and he didn’t assume that every woman wanted to have a child.

” Mickey, of course, whether they were adopted or birthed. any grandchildren in this family would be wonderful and shit. I would love them so dearly. But to assume that just because Lily is female, she wants to have a baby is not really fair. And even if she doesn’t want to have a baby, maybe she doesn’t want children. She’s not even 18 yet. There’s plenty of time for her to figure that out.”

Ian side as he watched his explanation, go in one ear and out the ear of his stubborn husband. Mickey jumped up and started stomping down the hall. Ian is hot on his heels.

***

When they got to Lilly‘s room, she was watching orange is the new black, had on a paper hat that was colored black and white to make it look like the old-time jail hat that she had seen in Elvis Presley‘s jailhouse rock. She was also chatting with her brother on the phone, asking him to order her a harmonica and to bring her a cupcake, a chocolate one, with a file inside.

Mickey ignored all that.

” Yo, punk, do you want to have a baby?”

Lily paused and then quietly put Liam on speaker; she felt he should be present for this conversation and enjoy it.

” What are you talking about? Papa?”

” A baby Lily. Making us grandparents, Lily. Do you want to have a baby? It’s a simple question.”

She could hear Liam chuckling in their kitchen.

Ian shook his head and looked at his daughter's blue eyes, glacial with little bursts of electric blue.

” Daddy, you understand that this is the exact opposite of calming him down, right?”

Then she turned her attention to Mickey.

”Papa, right now all I want is a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich and for my hair to grow back. I think the whole baby thing can safely be ,h, I don’t know , off the table for another 5 to 10 years. Also, I am pretty sure once I do start dating, the threat of creative, painful, long, and torturous deaths will be all the birth control that my date ever needs. Papa, what is going on? I mean, I’m used to you getting nutty, but this nutty was totally over-the-top and completely uncalled for.”

Mickey just pulled her into his lap on the sofa in her room and sniffled.

Ian sat next to the pair and rubbed Mickey’s back encouragingly and patted Lilly’s wrist.

”OK, girl, in a very confused, very, very, very roundabout way , papa is trying to tell you that he is concerned that cancer will have made want to rush ahead, do things you’re not supposed to, and grow up faster than you need to.”

Lily just looked at her dads.

"I love you, Waka doodles so much that at times it physically hurts. The cancer has not made me feel like I need to grow up faster. In some ways, it makes me feel like I need to slow down, like see each milestone and minute. Seize the day and all of that cra.… I mean, crud. I’m getting another chance and I want to do good things with it. I really don’t know what to say about the grandkid thing, especially since, well, I’m not even allowed to date. But if it makes you feel any better, when I am old enough, after my partner, papa will be the first person. I’ll let you know I’m pregnant.”

Liam chimed in.

” Yeah, and pops if it makes you feel better. if Sasha and I ever decide to have a baby, you will be the first call if the stick turns pink.”

That lightened the tone and the family chatted. Liam and Lily made plans to see a movie and hit the park for some sunshine when she got home. She very wisely did not gloat that she was no longer grounded.

Mickey and Ian grabbed Lily‘s food order and headed down to the little diner right outside the hospital to place the order and place an order for them and Mike. Once they left, Lily and Liam stared at each other through the phone.

After a minute , finally , Liam broke the silence.

” OK, it’s official. I am no longer holding my breath about your treatment, sis.”

She gazed at her brother. “ Why is that?”

” The doctor said everything is responding well to treatment. it must be so. This is the first time since you’ve been diagnosed that Pops has efficiently gone off completely half-cocked, irrational, and ranting at you. So that proves it, little sister, you’re going to be just fine.” 

Chapter Text

Mickey stood just soaking in the moment. Despite his initial fears, they had finally arrived.

This morning he watched her teasing Ian and fighting with Frankie over a waffle. Liam held her with tears in his eyes, and Mickey couldn't help but feel a swell of pride and joy. This was what family meant to him—moments filled with laughter, love, and the promise of new memories yet to be made.

He knew his eyes were welling up. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself as he watched the scene unfold before him. These were the moments he had dreamed of, the ones that made every struggle worthwhile, and he silently vowed to cherish each one as it came.

He did not give a fuck who saw it. Mickey Gallagher no longer buried his emotions under dirt and bruises; he was now capable of expression. 

Ian did that; his kids did that for him .

But most importantly, he did it for himself .

. Life without Ian, Liam, and Lily was inconceivable. They were his anchors, the light that guided him through the darkest days, and he promised himself he would never take that love for granted again.

Cancer transformed their world with a single blood test.

This morning he just watched her , bossy , sassy, and sweet. She was full of energy, bouncing around the kitchen while preparing breakfast, and her infectious spirit made him smile. In that moment, he realized that every little quirk and every shared laugh was a gift he would cherish forever.

Tonight the house would be packed; everyone in their life who kept Lily and kept them all going. This was a celebration, a gathering of friends and family who had supported them through thick and thin.

Iggy and Ian were up until 10 last night , pan after pan of chicken parm prepped, sausage and peppers in crockpots. Mandy and Tami did a cupcake run. Mickey cleaned the house .

But right now they had a circle to complete, an earned right of passage for their girl.

*** 
After finishing her treatment, Lily appeared more vibrant than ever. Her laughter now filled a room, a sound that had been too rare during her battle. Surrounded by the people who loved her most, Mickey knew she had hope and gratitude, ready to embrace this new chapter in her life.

This morning she spent forty minutes having Aunt Tammi do her hair. To everyone’s delight, the copper locks kept their curl. It took some time for it to come back but now it was chin length. 

Her strength floored him .

He and Mickey learned that Lily had forged their signatures to get ahead of her classes. She was graduating a year early and had an early acceptance to Notre Dame. She would just turn 17 when her classes started.

As they expressed their amazement, Ian and Mickey simultaneously felt a mixture of pride and concern for Lily. They knew that with her determination, she was bound to face new challenges, but they also believed she had the resilience to conquer them all. After cancer, college was a cakewalk.

But only their daughter would get grounded for lying about overachievement.

But they fucking made it. Lily made it .

***

The hallway was jam-packed with people. Lily was surrounded by her friends, her cheer squad, and her nursing team. The family passed around tissues and Iggy leaned into Colin and sobbed, his big brother pulling him tight.

Pat held Mandy, now his wife, and took pictures to commemorate the moment. Both Pat and Mandy were shocked when Claire approached Pat, saying she knew about Mandy and Lily. She had her lover for years and wanted to be with her. After a quick divorce, they parted ways. Lily helped Pat plan the perfect proposal. 

He felt Ian squeeze his hand as they walked down the hall. Lily pulled them in for a hug. 

Then she looked at the crowded hallway and began to cry.

” I love you all so much and thank you for never giving up on me. You stood up for me when I couldn't. You have always been there to cheer me up, clean me up, and comfort me. I know how lucky I am to have you all. No matter how bad it got , I had all of you ,  my reason to fight and live. I will keep going for you who believe in me, and I promise to live for each moment. Your love has been my strength, and I will carry it with me always. Daddy, Papa, thank you for being my rocks, my superheroes, and my strength.”

Happy tears flowed as Lily reached up and rang the bell .