Chapter Text
His head is still throbbing dully.
He's been fighting off a burgeoning migraine since that cloud of mako fumes hit him the day before and the nausea rolling in the pit of his stomach isn't helping his case either. He really should be asleep right now but, he couldn't help himself. He had to see her one last time.
Cissnei's room is eerily quiet, save for Tifa's soft little squeaky snores, and it was tying his already frayed nerves into knots. Cloud having to swallow past the sudden tight lump that's lodged itself in his throat. His eyes are faintly burning as he stared at Tifa's sleep slack face. The drool dribbling down her chin is definitely a more welcome sight than her blank pale face after the Weapon spat her out.
He shifts nervously in the threshold. His bag is sitting packed and ready by his boots at the front door. It'd been a massive pain in the ass waiting for Barret to finally stop hovering around him like a helicopter parent and go to bed so he could pack. The last thing Cloud needed was to get caught by either him or Aerith (He still has nightmares about those damn buckets.) He doesn't want a fight. He just wants to leave without a fuss. It was for the best. For all of them. But he doubts they'd understand where he was coming from.
He hadn't been able to resist stopping by Cissnei's room after he'd gotten everything ready, though.
Tifa is so achingly beautiful in the soft moonlight spilling in through the open curtains. Her skin all but glows and the dark silk of her hair haloing around her makes her look ephemeral. Her full pink lips slightly parted. He wants to sear the image into his brain. This is the last time he'll ever see her. His hand drifts absentmindedly towards his own mouth.
She'd almost kissed him.
It still feels like a dream. Cloud vividly remembers her hands closing around his. The look in her eyes that promised him the world as she vowed to be the one to save him now. How she'd started to lean closer and closer. Wine red eyes half lidded - dark with desire. The sweet herbal scent of the soap she'd bought in Costa cloyingly thick in his nose. He'd honestly been about to pass out. His heart trying to rabbit itself out of his chest. Every emotion he had warring within him. They'd been so close. The tip of her nose had just brushed his when Yuffie and Cait Sith came falling through the door.
It was probably for the best they had. Even though, at the time, he'd been contemplating murdering them.
The bubble he'd been in popped and he had been caught up in the look she gave him as she turned to leave for just a moment after the door closed. Then the guilt came rushing back. It was so thick it nearly suffocated him. He'd almost killed her.
The memory might be foggy but he can still see her plummeting toward the pool. Her face twisted in terror and sadness. He knew then he had to leave.
His fits were coming more and more often. He, clearly, wasn't safe to be around. Next time someone wasn't going to be so lucky when he got violent. They were going to end up dead.
Cloud lets out a shaky sigh and takes a hesitant step toward the bed - drawn like a magnet to the only person left that knew him before the glowing eyes and memory gaps. He knows the others have chalked up his episode at the reactor to mild mako poisoning but, they were wrong. It was something much worse than that.
'She turns into those you love.. and those you fear….'
She was in his head.
Jenova.
A chill runs up his spine as he stops at the edge of the mattress. Tifa's still none the wiser he's there, snoring away peacefully, and he needs to keep it that way. There's no way he'd be able to leave if she wakes up. He could only imagine how upset she'd be and he'd fold like wet cardboard if she asked him to stay.
Cloud very carefully sits beside her, taking in the faint moles that dot across her skin, and the delicate wisps of her lashes resting against her cheeks. His vision starts to blur with unshed tears. He doesn't want to leave her. He wants to stay so bad. But he ,realistically, doesn't have a choice. If he hurt her - or any of the rest of their group - he'd never forgive himself. They'll be safer without him. No matter how much that fact burns.
He reaches out and lightly brushes his thumb over her cheek. Relishing the feel of her bare skin against his. He's traded in his worn uniform for a serviceable pair of dark brown fatigues, a zip up black sleeveless turtleneck, and compression sleeves that he'd bought in Junon. The SOLDIER uniform was too recognizable. It made him stand out too much.
Cloud cups the side of her face in his palm as gently as he can. Tifa sighs in her sleep, her eyes fluttering, and he freezes when she nuzzles into his touch; quietly whispering his name. But, thankfully, she doesn't wake up. Only lets out a sigh of contentment as she settles.
He needs to nip this little visit in the bud soon. He's flirting with danger.
A single tear rolls down his cheek and he scrubs it off hastily on his shoulder. He doesn't have time to cry either.
The deep longing in his chest threatens to choke him and he's bending over before he even has time to think it through. His nervous exhale stirs her bangs and he winces. She just keeps sleeping. The doctor had said she'd be more tired than usual.
"I'm sorry, Tifa," He says, voice barely audible. "I can't stay with you guys any more."
Cloud swallows thickly and continues," I…I'm not safe to be around… So just forget 'bout me, alright? I…I love you. And I want you to be safe.. You aren't with me… So this is goodbye.."
He gets choked up halfway through his little speech and the tears just keep coming as he zeroes in on her lips. He starts to bend the rest of the way down, when he stops himself. Kissing her right now wasn't right - not while she was asleep and couldn't tell him no. But he couldn't help the selfish yearning for more. Her bangs flutter again. He gets an idea. He leans forward and carefully presses his lips to her forehead. Lingering for almost a moment too long.
Cloud finally manages to pull himself away from her bedside then quickly heads out the door before he can change his mind - tugging it shut behind him.
He pauses in the hallway, listening out for anyone that might have gotten up while he was distracted or Cissnei coming home, but it was quiet. Peaceful, even. He wipes his damp eyes.
It's time for him to go.
He heads to the living room so he can put on his boots and get his sword and bag. The room is empty when he gets there. Cissnei is still out - as per usual - Cloud's grateful for that. He doesn't trust her. She knows far more than she lets on - he wouldn't be surprised if she was tied up with Shinra somehow. She always seemed to turn up places she shouldn't be. But other than that everything was as it should be.
He drops his PHS off on the edge of the kitchen counter as he passes, he doesn't need it anymore, before grabbing his boots and tugging them on - along with Buster's new sheathe. Slipping the massive blade into its new home he finally picks up his pack and shoulders it, taking a fortifying deep breath to calm his nerves. He's ready to leave.
Opening the front door he spares the dark hallway to the bedrooms one final look and whispers a soft 'goodbye' under his breath before stepping outside and pulling the door shut behind him. Making sure to lock it.
Nighttime Gongaga is loud in a way only a backwater town could be. Crickets, cicadas, tree frogs, and whatever other wildlife was native to the area were singing at the tops of their lungs. Walking through the town center reminds him of the summer nights in Nibelheim when he used to sneak out after dark to cool off. But Cloud shoves those thoughts away - he doesn't need to get caught up in memories of the past. He needs to get going before one of the watch catches him and starts asking questions.
It seems like it's late enough that all the tavern goers were in bed and he doesn't run into anyone on his way through town. But the looming sense of dread and sorrow he feels as he passes the Fair's house still tugs at his heartstrings. From there it's a straight shot into the jungle but he lingers on the edge of the dark path.
Something at the back of his mind is begging him to turn back - to go back to Cissnei's and just go to bed - no one would know he'd ever tried to leave and they could head out together in the morning. But he couldn't. Not in good conscience. No matter how much he wanted to. Even as some part deep down wondered if the others wouldn't be happy he was gone. He's sure they'd be relieved to not have to deal with his instability anymore…
Cloud quiets the little voice, takes another deep breath to clear his mind, he doesn't need to be thinking about this right now. He needs to focus. Steeling his nerves he steps into the forest. The shadows swallowing him whole and wiping away any sign he's ever been there.