Chapter Text
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Season 6, Episode 3:
“Ear, Nose, and Throat”
NARRATOR: And now, the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s Arrested Development.
Open at Tantamount Studios, HOLLYWOOD. GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY are on set for Model Behavior, standing around with a group of COWORKERS.
NARRATOR: Having finalized their divorce, George Michael and Maeby had recently sent out wedding invitations.
MAEBY: We actually hadn’t seen each other for months, and then we both separately got jobs here.
NARRATOR: Their engagement had also become known at the studio, where they had both joined the crew of Model Behavior.
GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah, I found the video editing job online, and she—
Cut to earlier at the STUDIO.
SET DESIGNER: Where did the producer go?
MAEBY: Right here!
SET DESIGNER: Oh, I thought it was—
MAEBY [hastily]: No, it’s me.
Cut back to present day.
COWORKER 1:. It’s like something out of a rom-com!
COWORKER 2: Like fate pushed you together!
GEORGE MICHAEL [with a nervous smile]: Something like that.
COWORKER 3: How’d you two meet in the first place?
GEORGE MICHAEL: Uh, well, I was working at the banana stand—
MAEBY [simultaneously]: Actually, we’re cousins!
EVERYONE stares in shock at MAEBY.
MAEBY: Just kidding! Childhood friends.
Camera pans to ANN, who is approached by STEVE HOLT.
STEVE HOLT: Hey, babe. You ready for lunch?
ANN [holding up her invitation]: Did you get this?
STEVE HOLT [doing his signature cheer]: WEDDING! You wanna go together?
ANN: Well, I suppose there was cousin marriage in the Bible. [Beat] All right.
STEVE HOLT: Maybe my dad has a suit I could borrow.
Cut to GOB (Season 2, Episode 6).
GOB: $6,000 suit!
Cut back to present day.
ANN: We should see if that suit is modest and God-honoring. Let’s go tomorrow.
Exit ANN and STEVE HOLT. Camera pans back over to GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY.
MAEBY: What a weird couple.
***
LUCILLE and GEORGE SR. in the PENTHOUSE.
NARRATOR: Across town, Lucille was feeling very cramped in her apartment.
GEORGE SR.: Did you see those wedding invitations?
LUCILLE: Who do we know who’s tacky enough to get married at this time of year?
GEORGE SR.: Maybe I need new glasses. [Looking more closely] No, that definitely says—
LUCILLE snatches the invitation, reads it. Shocked, she drops her martini, which spills on GEORGE SR’s shirt.
GEORGE SR.: I’ll go change.
LUCILLE [Not looking up]: It’s a little late for that. [Beat — still caustically] Oh, you meant your clothes.
GEORGE SR. heads into the BEDROOM, where he is met with a surprise: an immobile OSCAR. GEORGE SR turns on the bedroom light, pokes at OSCAR, pulls his hair. OSCAR does not budge.
GEORGE SR.: That bastard. First he tries to take away my wife, then he comes to die in my home!
GEORGE SR. tries to drag OSCAR’s body away, which goes poorly and mostly just makes a lot of noise.
LUCILLE [loudly, from the living room]: That noise, when other people are ill!
NARRATOR: Lucille had recently developed a cough from the environmental conditions in her apartment.
Cut to Lucille in BED, sitting next to OSCAR, surrounded by a cloud of smoke. Cut back to present day.
LUCILLE: What are you doing in there, dragging a corpse around?
GEORGE SR. emerges from the bedroom. He has not changed his shirt. LUCILLE is now at the doorway.
LUCILLE: All right, boys, I’m leaving. I have to go to the pharmacist.
GEORGE SR. [feigning ignorance]: Boys?
LUCILLE [hastily]: I meant you and Buster. [Mock-wistfully] I keep forgetting that he has forsaken us.
GEORGE SR. returns to the BEDROOM.
GEORGE SR.: I wonder how fast his hair will fall off.
***
GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY, standing in the MODEL HOME in front of MICHAEL, LINDSAY, and TOBIAS.
NARRATOR: George Michael and Maeby were dragging around difficulties of their own.
LINDSAY: Maeby, did you design this yourself?
Closeup of the INVITATION. It is riddled with typos.
LINDSAY [proudly]: Because it’s gorgeous!
MICHAEL takes the invitation, looks at it questioningly.
MICHAEL: Maeby, it’s very… you.
MAEBY grins.
MICHAEL [trying to be supportive]: George Michael, you wanted to tell us something about this upcoming, uh, celebration?
GEORGE MICHAEL [almost nauseated]: Yeah, um, just that we know it’s… unusual—
MAEBY [a little defiantly]: But legal!
GEORGE MICHAEL: Yes, uh, it would be legal in the state of California, even if we were— which we’re not… well, legally we are, paperwork pending…
MAEBY: Best state in the Union! Beaches, movies, legal weed, cousin marriage—
GEORGE MICHAEL: The point is, that, uh, we’d really appreciate it if you guys could be, you know, not too weird about this.
MAEBY [lightly]: But if you are weird about it, we really don’t give a—
TOBIAS: Fun! What fun this will be! Since I’m afraid I’m too old to be your flower girl, perhaps I could offer my services to my lovely daughter as her escort.
EVERYONE gives TOBIAS a concerned look.
TOBIAS: Down the aisle.
LINDSAY [ignoring TOBIAS]: Well, I, for one, am delighted. No one can call me a Bluth now!
TOBIAS: I concur with my lovely wife. Now, at last, the esteemed Bluth and Fünke clans will be united through the sacred bonds of matrimony, an institution I hold so dear to my heart.
Cut to TOBIAS in cutoffs as an exasperated LINDSAY rants at him (Season 1, Episode 7).
TOBIAS: How am I not addressing your needs?
LINDSAY: How can you even ask that?
Cut back to present day.
TOBIAS: I am sure you will make your “cousband”, as it were, very happy. But if you need any conjugal advice, the analrapist is in.
Standing up, TOBIAS awkwardly pulls GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY into a group hug and kisses them each on the cheek.
MICHAEL: Now, I’ve already offered to George Michael, but, uh, even though I’m not a big-shot maritime lawyer quite yet, I would still be happy to pay for the, uh, event.
MAEBY: That’s very nice, Unc— [confusedly] Mr. Michael?
MICHAEL: Just Michael is fine.
GEORGE MICHAEL: But we’re keeping it pretty low-budget.
LINDSAY: Have you chosen a dress yet?
MAEBY: That’s all taken care of.
Cut to MAEBY on SET for Model Behavior, wearing a wedding dress.
COWORKER: Isn’t that from costuming?
MAEBY [walking toward the PARKING LOT]: It’s okay, I’m just taking it in for alterations.
Cut back to present day.
LINDSAY: What color?
MAEBY: Uh, white?
LINDSAY: Oh, come on. You know white washes me out. It’s like you don’t even want me as your maid of honor.
MAEBY: I meant for my dress.
LINDSAY: Oh, that. It’s too bad you’re not my size.
MAEBY: If you want, I can take you to the shop where I got mine.
GEORGE MICHAEL: And Dad, I wanted to ask you, since you're kind of Mr. First Man in my life—
DISTANT VOICE: Mr. F!
GEORGE MICHAEL: —if you [smiling awkwardly but sincerely] could be Mr. Best Man for me.
MICHAEL: We’d just call it “best man”. But of course I will, George Michael. [Hugging GEORGE MICHAEL and ruffling his hair paternally] Because I love you.
MAEBY: And because he doesn’t have any other friends. Kidding — I mean, neither do I.
TOBIAS: And you both have me! That’s what family is: friends who touch you every day.
TOBIAS receives another look.
TOBIAS: You know, your hearts.
***
ANN and STEVE HOLT walking down the DOCK.
ANN: I don’t feel very good about this. The docks are full of unsavory characters. Plus it smells like beached animals.
STEVE HOLT [looking down]: Ooh, a penny! [Bending down to pick it up] You go on ahead.
GOB does not see STEVE HOLT, but he and ANN catch a glimpse of each other.
ANN: Him?
GOB: Her?
NARRATOR: Wanting to avoid his former girlfriend, GOB decided to do what he did best, and make himself disappear.
GOB jumps into the water.
STEVE HOLT [approaching ANN]: I found a stick of gum, too! [Looking around] Aw man, did he abandon me again?
***
GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY, on the living room floor in the MODEL HOME, with papers strewn about. MICHAEL sits on the couch.
GEORGE MICHAEL [consulting a checklist]: Do you think we should invite Uncle Buster after all?
MICHAEL: You know what, I think it would just offend him.
MAEBY: Hey, how do you spell RSVP?
MICHAEL [Beat — with the classic Michael face]: Been a while since you threw a party, huh? What would the last one be, your high school graduation? How long ago was that?
Moment of awkward silence. GEORGE MICHAEL absents himself.
NARRATOR: For once, Maeby’s instincts of deception failed her, as had her grades.
MICHAEL: You never… [Industriously] Well, it’s never too late. They have night school and exams going on all the time. Hey, maybe you can even get it done before your festivities.
MAEBY: You want me to get my Jed?
Enter LINDSAY.
LINDSAY: Maeby, are you ready to take me to that boutique? [Looking around] What’s going on?
MICHAEL: Did you know that your daughter does not have her high school diploma?
LINDSAY: Oh, that doesn’t matter. I hardly ever used mine — although, of course, I had my looks.
MAEBY [immediately]: I’ll do it.
MICHAEL: Hey, that’s great! [Looking on his phone] Good news: there’s an exam going on this weekend. Now, I don’t know if you’ll be prepared by then, but you could always give it the ol’ high school try, huh?
MAEBY [sarcastically]: Yeah, I’ll totally ace it.
Exit MICHAEL; reenter GEORGE MICHAEL. Enter GOB, who absently picks up a Q-tip which has been sitting on the COUCH.
GOB [swabbing the Q-tip in his ear]: God, living by the water is absolute hell. I don’t know how beached animals do it. [With feigned nonchalance] What’s going on?
GEORGE MICHAEL: Oh, hi, Uncle GOB. We’re just looking over wedding stuff.
GOB: Ooh, who’s getting married? [Beat] Kidding.
NARRATOR: GOB was not really kidding, but had momentarily forgotten.
GOB: Have you given any thought to my proposition?
GEORGE MICHAEL: It’s a really nice idea—
MAEBY: No magic at the wedding.
GOB: Come on!
GEORGE MICHAEL: I’m sorry, Uncle GOB, but it’s just that we don’t really want any extra attention. We were just thinking of, you know, a small, quiet wedding.
MAEBY: A family affair, if you will.
NARRATOR: She said it, not me.
GEORGE MICHAEL: I hope you understand.
GOB: No — yeah — of — of course I — I —
GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey, if you see Uncle Buster, can you tell him no hard feelings?
GOB: I’m sure… he’ll feel exactly as I do.
***
PENTHOUSE.
NARRATOR: Lucille had gone out to the pharmacist, leaving George Sr. to do some investigation.
GEORGE SR. pokes OSCAR with various kitchen implements.
NARRATOR: It turned out that George Sr. hadn’t been the only one sent into the bedroom by Lucille’s drink.
Cut to OSCAR wandering around the LIVING ROOM, smoking marijuana like a cigarette. He notices an unattended small glass of what appears to be wine.
OSCAR [taking a sip]: Mmm, that’s delightful. I wonder if there’s any more.
OSCAR spies a bottle of the drink next to the glass and takes it with him to the BEDROOM.
NARRATOR: The combination of the marijuana and the drink, which turned out to be Lucille’s drowsy cold medicine, had sent him into an almost coma-like sleep.
Close up of MEDICINE, labeled NGI: Nighttime Grape Ingestible.
NARRATOR: This meant that when George Sr. finally discovered Oscar, he mistook him for dead.
GEORGE SR.: I’ll bet he wants to be cremated.
NARRATOR: Oscar, too, had recently found out that George Sr. was living in the penthouse, but did not know that George Sr. knew about him. It was a rather convoluted situation.
GEORGE SR. tries to carry OSCAR: first dragging him wrapped in blankets, then lifting him on his shoulders, then prying him off the bed with a large spatula. The latter method finally wakes OSCAR.
OSCAR: Lucille, you know I’m not really into that— [opening his eyes] George?
GEORGE: Oscar? You’re supposed to be dead!
OSCAR: I guess I’m not, but I do think I saw God before I woke up.
GEORGE SR.: So you didn’t come to die here and spite me?
OSCAR: No, I came to live here. Lucille invited me.
GEORGE SR.: Lucille invited you:? Lucille invited me!
OSCAR: Really? What did she say, “I want my fraudulent, philandering husband back?”
GEORGE SR.: What did she say to you, “I like my apartment, but I wish it smelled like weed all the time?”
OSCAR: No, she said— [puzzled] Well, I can’t remember the exact words…
NARRATOR: And that’s when they realized that they had both invited themselves.
OSCAR.: So what’re we gonna do now?
GEORGE SR.: Maybe we should take turns.
OSCAR: As me, or as you?
GEORGE SR.: But neither of us is— Wait, do you hear coughing?
Enter LUCILLE.
LUCILLE [confidently]: Well, I see all has been revealed. I suppose you’re arguing over who can stay?
GEORGE SR. and OSCAR both give their signature wounded-bird expression.
LUCILLE: You may both stay. That is, if you don’t mind sharing with Buster when he’s home from prison.
GEORGE SR.: Oh, forget it.
BLACKOUT.
***
LINDSAY in a pink formal dress, with MAEBY, on SET for Model Behavior.
NARRATOR: While George Sr. was making off under duress, Maeby and her mother were making off with a dress.
MAEBY: Okay, just act nonchalant.
COWORKER: Wait! Don’t I recognize that dress?
LINDSAY: Who are you, the fashion police?
COWORKER: Actually, I was trained with the OCPD.
NARRATOR: Don’t call it that.
MAEBY: Run!
LINDSAY and MAEBY run to the car, LINDSAY tearing the dress on the way. They get in the CAR but cannot get it to start.
MAEBY: We’re just bringing it in for alterations!
COWORKER [pleasantly]: All right then, carry on! [To herself] Oh, I know what I recognize it from! It was in last May’s Vogue. Wow, that woman really is unfashionable.
***
GOB in the visiting room, Orange County PRISON. Enter BUSTER.
NARRATOR: And GOB went past another set of police in order to deliver news to Buster.
BUSTER: Hey, brother!
BUSTER tries to massage GOB on the shoulders, but is met with the cry of “No touching” from the GUARD.
NARRATOR: Though GOB couldn’t enjoy one now, Buster’s shoulder massages had greatly improved since he replaced his left hook with a tennis ball.
Cut to BUSTER approaching PRISONER and massaging him. PRISONER almost punches BUSTER in the face but suddenly realizes he quite enjoys the massage. Cut back to present day.
BUSTER [confidentially]: Those massages are kind of the only thing keeping up my status here since [in a whisper] the juice ran out.
GOB holds his hand over his ear.
BUSTER [getting up to leave]: If you don’t want to listen to me, I am wanted elsewhere.
GOB: Water in the ears. Hurts like hell.
BUSTER [sitting back down]: The water is a vicious foe, GOB. That’s why my motto is Never Go In. NGI. [Slightly annoyed] I wish you had gotten that ear infection earlier so you could’ve joined my lawsuit.
NARRATOR: Buster had recently tried to sue the ocean.
Cut to COURTHOUSE (Season 6, Episode 2).
JUDGE: This is absurd. Court dismissed.
Cut back to present day.
GOB: Buster, do you know anything about the kids’ wedding?
BUSTER: [Defensively] That was years ago, and it was Mother’s idea anyway.
Cut to a photo of a facetious wedding ceremony between BUSTER as a young child and LUCILLE.
GOB: No, our niece and nephew’s wedding.
BUSTER: Maeby and Steve Holt?
GOB: Steve Holt isn’t our nephew.
BUSTER: Oh yeah, he’s my nephew but he’s your son.
GOB [as if he totally remembered that] Right! Also, he’s dating Ann now.
BUSTER: Oh, yeah. I remember Ann. Nice girl. [Beat] So it’s Steve and Ann’s wedding then?
GOB: No, George Michael and Maeby’s.
BUSTER: George Michael and Maeby? That’s just so wrong… that they didn’t invite me! I am indignant!
GOB: And they didn’t even ask me to perform magic for them! I’m even less dignant than you!
***
MODEL HOME. MAEBY is in the living room; GEORGE MICHAEL approaches her.
GEORGE MICHAEL: I just put the test in the mail, so the results should come in soon by email.
MAEBY: But I took it in person. Actually, it was really easy. Maybe they gave me the one for Mexican kids by mistake.
GEORGE MICHAEL: No, I mean the test we did together. [Beat] Listen, Maeby. This all so sudden, and I feel like you’re making a lot of jokes about it, and I — I need to know that you’re not just marrying me because it’s a crazy thing to do, like, I don’t know, Aunt Lindsay did with Tobias. Because I feel like we have real history, and chemistry—
MAEBY: Ugh, please do not remind me of that test.
GEORGE MICHAEL: But if you don’t feel that too, then, you know, it is what it is. [Awkwardly joking] “‘Tis what it’s”, as they say. Huh, I wonder why people never say that.
MAEBY: God, you’re so dorky. [Beat] Hey, you know by now, I am the way I am. I mean, I’m a mean person. I do things my way. I mess with people. I steal from my workplace. I’m not really, you know, a serious person.
GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey, if I wanted someone serious, I’d marry Ann.
MAEBY: Who? [Beat] So yeah, life is kind of a joke to me. You know, [somewhat bitterly] like a dark comedy.
NARRATOR: Hey, like our show!
MAEBY: But I’m not doing this for the joke. [Sincerely] George Michael, I’m marrying you because I think otherwise I might live the rest of my life without love. And I don’t mean just, like, receiving love. I mean giving it too.
NARRATOR: This was perhaps the most perceptive thing Maeby had said thus far in her life.
GEORGE MICHAEL [moved]: Maeby, I love you.
MAEBY: Maybe I do too. [Beat — grinning] Just kidding. I know what you meant.
GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY kiss.
GEORGE MICHAEL: But do you—
MAEBY [teasingly]: What do you think?
GEORGE MICHAEL: I think you do. [Softly] But I’d like to hear you say it.
MAEBY: Then I love you too.
They kiss again.
***
WEDDING VENUE. GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY, in their wedding garb, are making final preparations. Enter the WEDDING GUESTS: LUCILLE with GEORGE SR. and OSCAR on either side; LINDSAY and TOBIAS; MICHAEL with MAGGIE LIZER; STEVE and ANN with TONY WONDER.
NARRATOR: Finally, after years of seemingly implausible obstacles, and a great deal of controversy, George Michael and Maeby’s big day had come.
GEORGE MICHAEL [looking through the crowd]: Should we wait for Uncle GOB?
MAEBY: Oh, you know him. I’m sure he just wants to make a dramatic entrance.
GEORGE MICHAEL: And you sent Uncle Buster that consolation note, right?
MAEBY: No, I thought you sent that. Also, I was kinda avoiding him since I didn’t want him trying to help me study for Jed.
MICHAEL and MAGGIE approach GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY; the two men and the two women among them pair off.
MICHAEL: Hey, kid, I just wanted to check in before your, uh, big moment. All good?
GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah, we talked, and… [smiling nervously but charmingly] I think it’s really gonna be good. [Beat] Oh, Dad, can you hold my phone? I don’t seem to have pockets. Actually, I think this might be a woman’s suit.
Cut to MAEBY absconding from the SET of Model Behavior with said tuxedo in hand. Cut back to present day. GEORGE MICHAEL hands MICHAEL his cell phone.
MICHAEL: Of course. Don’t worry, I won’t interrupt the ceremony if you get an email or something.
Camera pans to MAEBY and MAGGIE, who are clearly hitting it off.
MAGGIE [with mild disgust]: So let me get this straight, you use fraud and deception to do more work?
MAEBY: Not always. Once I pretended to be retired.
MAGGIE: Once I pretended to be pregnant.
MAEBY: Once I pretended to be dying.
MAGGIE: Once I pretended to be blind.
MAEBY: Once I pretended to be a movie producer. Well, I’m still kinda doing that.
MAGGIE: Once I pretended to be dead. Well, I’m still kinda doing that too.
MAEBY: How have we never met before?
Finally the time comes. TOBIAS walks MAEBY down the aisle: of course, he is her something blue. STEVE HOLT follows as the flower girl. GEORGE MICHAEL is waiting at the front of the aisle, with MICHAEL behind him as his best man and LINDSAY opposite as MAEBY’s maid of honor. ANN insists on reading a very lengthy prayer. At first, the ceremony proceeds, amazingly enough, without any interruptions to arrest its development.
OFFICIANT: If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace.
Enter BUSTER, out of breath, running in.
BUSTER: I object!
GOB [materializing in a cloud of smoke]: Me too!
MICHAEL [much less dramatically]: Hey, kid, I hate to say this, but I have an objection too.
MICHAEL takes out the phone and shows GEORGE MICHAEL the test results, which have just come in.
GEORGE MICHAEL: I’m her nephew?
EVERYONE looks at LUCILLE, wondering the extent of her deceit, but even LUCILLE is shocked — especially because the OFFICIANT has ripped off his fake nose and glasses.
LUCILLE: Aaaah! Gene!
GENE PARMESAN: Gene Parmesan, private detective. [Looking at the test results] What is this?
GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, uh, we took a genetic test just, you know, to make sure.
GOB: That you're not Mexican?
MAEBY: That we’re not actually related.
BUSTER: Oh, I see. Cool. Hey, for those tests, do you pee in a cup or do you pick your nose?
MICHAEL: There has got to be a better way of saying that.
GEORGE MICHAEL: Uh, it’s the latter.
BUSTER: I actually took a class on genetics a few years back. I don’t know if the complex concepts I studied will show up here, but let me give it a look. [Taking the phone] Hey, George Michael, didn’t you say it was a nasal sample?
GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah, I sent in one of those swabs.
BUSTER: ‘Cause this says your genes were taken from earwax.
Camera pans to GOB. He realizes something.
GOB: I’ve made a huge mistake.
***
SAME LOCATION, after the ceremony.
GENE PARMESAN: That was amazing work you did today, Buster. How would you like to come work for me?
BUSTER: I don’t know, prison doesn’t usually have half days.
GENE PARMESAN: Are you kidding? I can get you out of there in no time.
BUSTER: Will there be [whispering] juice?
GENE PARMESAN: If you can sneak it into a thermos.
BUSTER [enthusiastically]: Then I’m in!
BUSTER shakes GENE PARMESAN’s hand with his tennis ball, which falls off.
GENE PARMESAN: Another excellent move! I can learn from this guy.
MICHAEL [suddenly realizing something]: Gene, are you actually a licensed officiant?
GENE PARMESAN: Oh, no. Those kids aren’t legally married yet.
MICHAEL [concerned]: Do they know that? [Looking around] George Michael? Maeby?
MICHAEL looks out and sees GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY driving off in the STAIR CAR; “JUST MARRIED” is written on the bumper. MICHAEL hurriedly calls GEORGE MICHAEL.
MICHAEL: George Michael? I just realized, Gene didn’t actually— yeah, you’d better—
In the background, the STAIR CAR turns around.
BLACKOUT.
***
On the next Arrested Development:
GOB in the living room of the MODEL HOME, holding a bottle of ear drops and a paper with instructions.
NARRATOR: GOB diligently follows the doctor’s orders.
GOB: “Insert into nostrils, hold for 30 seconds.” Seems kinda indirect, but I guess that’s the miracle of modern medicine.
MODEL HOME. MAEBY is reading a paper while GEORGE MICHAEL looks at his phone.
NARRATOR: And Maeby gets some test results of her own.
GEORGE MICHAEL: Okay, the new results are in and [relieved] it looks like our only relation is as husband and wife. And ex- husband and wife.
MAEBY [calling out]: Hey George Michael, you studied Mexican, right? Can you come read this?
GEORGE MICHAEL [reading the paper]: Summa cum laude?
ROLL CREDITS.