Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Season 6, Episode 1:
“Model Behavior”

NARRATOR: And now, the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s Arrested Development.

Open on MICHAEL BLUTH. Close up of his face, with a beautiful blue sky and gentle waves behind him, just audible. MICHAEL looks peaceful and content.

NARRATOR: This is Michael Bluth. He is enjoying a day off with his son, George Michael.

Zoom out to show that MICHAEL and GEORGE MICHAEL, now visible, are not at sea at all but at a MINIATURE GOLF COURSE with a marine theme.

GEORGE MICHAEL hands MICHAEL his club.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey Dad, I saw this soft serve stand on the way over. I know it’s only breakfast time, but—

MICHAEL: You know what, that sounds perfect. After all, we’re celebrating, right? We have left this family once and for all, and doesn’t it feel so good?

MICHAEL swings, gets a hole in one, and cheers.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah, I mean… of course. It feels—

GEORGE MICHAEL swings and misses the ball.

MICHAEL: Hey, that’s okay. Just try again. Let me show you.

MICHAEL comes up next to his son and swings the golf club for him. Another hole in one.

MICHAEL: See what happens when we work together? Just the two of us. Forget everyone else.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah…

MICHAEL: Hey, I’m really glad we got over whatever the heck was going on between us earlier, huh?

NARRATOR: Upon finding out that they were dating the same woman, George Michael had once punched his father in the face.

Cut to said scene (Season 4 finale).

NARRATOR: It was a difficult moment for all.

Cut back to the present day.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey Dad, if we’re going to be here for a while—

MICHAEL: We are. Who knows if we’ll ever move again, huh?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Right… I was thinking maybe I should start looking for a job. I mean, this is a great vacation, but it can’t last forever.

MICHAEL: Oh, yeah… well, in the meantime, we could always break out the old banana stand, huh?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, I’ve heard around here that might not be the best idea…

NARRATOR: The Bananagrabber cartoon, created by Michael and his older brother GOB, had aired on a local station in Phoenix, despite very limited syndication elsewhere. Due to executive meddling, however, it had become more grotesque and had frightened and even disgusted viewers, greatly decreasing the local demand for bananas.

GEORGE MICHAEL: This mini golf course is hiring.

MICHAEL: Or — or you could break out the old degree. There’ve gotta be some good tech jobs around here, right? Non-fraudulent ones?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah. I’ll look into it. Hey, what about you?

MICHAEL: You know, I’ve got some savings, some financial things I’ve gotta look into… How about we go home, cool off, I make some phone calls, you hop on the old computer—

GEORGE MICHAEL glances at the Bluth Company STAIR CAR in the parking lot. It is currently vacant.

MICHAEL —we figure out how to make a life here.

GEORGE MICHAEL: But we’ll stop for soft serve first, right?

MICHAEL: Of course. Can’t forget the soft serve.

NARRATOR: They did, in fact, forget the soft serve, so busy were they talking on the drive home. But that is the price of being once more father and son.

***

Remains of the MODEL HOME. Shot first of the outside, then of the downstairs.

NARRATOR: While Michael was in Phoenix with his son, the Fünke family had remained in Orange County. Having lived in various places, they had all yearned for stability and comfort, and so had decided to be a model family in a model home.

LINDSAY is sitting at the kitchen island, looking through a newspaper, while TOBIAS lies on the couch.

LINDSAY: These modeling jobs are everywhere! I’ve always had the looks for it…

TOBIAS [sitting up]: What a delightful idea, my dear! We’ll be one of those celebrity power couples, like Brooke Shields and Michael Jackson.

LINDSAY gives TOBIAS a look but does not respond. MAEBY appears from upstairs and starts making herself breakfast.

LINDSAY: Maeby, have you seen these modeling ads?

MAEBY takes the newspaper and flips through it. An idea starts to form in her head.

MAEBY: Cool.

LINDSAY: So?

MAEBY: So?

LINDSAY: You’ve always represented me so well—

NARRATOR: Maeby had once pimped out her mother to a Republican politician.

LINDSAY: —and you don’t seem to be working right now—

NARRATOR: The irony was lost on Lindsay.

LINDSAY: —so what do you say?

MAEBY: Sure, I’ll see what I can do.

MAEBY takes her bowl of cereal upstairs with her.

TOBIAS: I’m so proud of her. Only sixteen years old—

NARRATOR: Maeby was in her twenties.

TOBIAS: —and soon to be a model.

LINDSAY: A model? She eats breakfast! I meant for her to be my agent.

TOBIAS: Ah, I see. [Beat] Forgive me for intruding, but, well, who in this family has actual Hollywood experience? Maeby, or yours truly?

NARRATOR: Maeby.

TOBIAS: Couldn’t I be your agent? You know I have experience working two jobs.

Cut to TOBIAS’ “analrapist” business card, then back.

LINDSAY: You also have experience working no jobs.

NARRATOR: Again, Lindsay and irony.

TOBIAS [laughing awkwardly]: Ouch! Well, if you don’t want my manly presence, I’ll just get off your ass about it.

TOBIAS retreats back to the living room.

LINDSAY [to herself]: I wonder how fast my hair will grow back.

***

LUCILLE’S PENTHOUSE. LUCILLE is sitting on an armchair, drinking a martini, while GEORGE SR. sits on the adjacent couch and eats a slice of cake. He is very comfortable there, wrapped in a blanket; clearly he had been sleeping there.

NARRATOR: Michael’s parents, Lucille and George Sr., were at home in their penthouse.

LUCILLE: Really, the kind of things you eat for breakfast!

LUCILLE takes a large sip of her martini in aggravation.

GEORGE SR.: Well, if we weren’t out of cereal, I wouldn’t have to have cake.

LUCILLE: Wasn’t that Marie Antoinette’s excuse too?

LUCILLE turns on the TV, to hear JOHN BEARD reporting the local news.

JOHN BEARD: In the Orange County prison, riots are breaking out among rival gangs, seemingly about the control of substances.

LUCILLE: That’s it, I’m going to see Buster today. A mother just worries so much.

NARRATOR: Plus Lucille wanted to get out of the house. She had a little too much company at the moment.

LUCILLE gets up and goes into her bedroom, carrying her martini with her. GEORGE SR. also gets up, opens the refrigerator, and pours out the last of a gallon of milk to accompany his cake, before settling back down.

LUCILLE [rummaging around her room, in the dark]: Oh, for the love of God, where is my purse? Let’s see: I had it yesterday, and Lupe has the day off today so for once she must be innocent. And we know Buster can’t have taken it.

LUCILLE laughs at her own joke, but her laughter cannot cover up a coughing sound coming from inside the room. LUCILLE is startled and hurriedly turns on the light.

OSCAR: Sorry, dry cereal really does a number on my throat, and that nice moist cake Lupe made is all gone.

LUCILLE: I think your throat has undergone enough damage.

Without asking, OSCAR takes a refreshing sip of LUCILLE’s martini, which she then sets down on the nightstand in disgust.

LUCILLE: Oh, great. I have to drive all the way to the prison today to see Buster, and now you’ve spoiled my breakfast.

OSCAR: Maybe his father can go to see him too.

Dramatic “Buster-is-actually-Oscar’s-illegitimate-son” music swells. LUCILLE rolls her eyes.

LUCILLE: I don’t think so. This is a family matter, and you know how George is.

LUCILLE begins opening dresser drawers, looking for her purse. Finally she finds it, stuffed with OSCAR’s sash of marijuana. Annoyed, she empties most of the contents onto the bed.

LUCILLE: Find a better place to store this. [Turning to leave] Oh, and don’t go into the living room. Everything is being repainted.

OSCAR [to himself]: I thought I’d seen some new colors when I went out there last night.

LUCILLE leaves her bedroom with her purse and heads out to the door. GEORGE SR. is still on the couch, watching the local news.

LUCILLE: Oh, by the way, the bedroom is being fumigated, so don’t go in there.

GEORGE SR. [to himself]: I thought I’d smelled some vapors coming from there last night.

LUCILLE [to herself, as she leaves the house]: This is an awfully queer situation.

***

GOB’S YACHT. GOB is sitting on the deck, in his bathrobe.

NARRATOR: Lucille’s was not the only queer situation. Having recently undergone intense scrutiny from the Gay Mafia, her son GOB was now living with openly gay magician Tony Wonder.

TONY WONDER appears, also in a bathrobe, monogrammed with a stylized letter W, his insignia. He has just hung up the phone.

TONY WONDER [kissing GOB]: Good morning, GOB. God, you look so good.

GOB: Well, I did use to be a model.

NARRATOR: Sort of. GOB had never been a model, but he had worked as a stripper in a group known as the Hot Cops.

GOB: Who was that on the phone?

TONY WONDER: You know Steve Holt?

GOB: Steve Holt, as in Maeby’s ex?

NARRATOR: Also Steve Holt as in GOB’s son.

TONY WONDER: He wanted to talk to you.

GOB: Then why didn’t he call me?

TONY WONDER: I don’t think he has your number. He got mine through some mutual acquaintance. He wants to meet up.

GOB: Why? [excitedly] Does he want us to teach him magic?

NARRATOR: No, that would be insane.

GOB [tearing up]: I’m so proud! He wants to learn from the greats… Do you think he saw our wall illusion on TV?

GOB gets lost in thought.

GOB: [Beat] I have so much to prepare.

GOB dives into the indoor part of the boat to prepare for the magic lesson.

***

MICHAEL and GEORGE MICHAEL’s new APARTMENT, in Phoenix. MICHAEL is on the phone, on hold, while GEORGE MICHAEL is on his laptop.

MICHAEL: Any luck?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, there’s this video editing job I found. I don’t know, you know, with my internal clock, it might work.

MICHAEL: Hey, that’s great!

GEORGE MICHAEL: Uh, yeah, it’s for this movie they’re trying to make. Model Behavior. I don’t know what it’s about.

MICHAEL: Well, you might as well apply. [Smiling] Talented kid like you, they’d be stupid to turn you down. Is it here, or are you working remotely or something? Hold on, I have to take this. [Now speaking on the phone] Yes? [Beat] Thank you so much. [Laughing] I don’t think that’ll be a problem. All right, I’ll talk to you soon.

MICHAEL hangs up.

MICHAEL: Excellent news! It looks like your old man might have enough money to retire early.

GEORGE MICHAEL looks surprised but happy for his father.

MICHAEL: Yep, well, now that we are out of the family and the company, it was either that or maritime law, and do you see any great bodies of water around here?

Cut to marine-themed MINI GOLF COURSE, then back to the APARTMENT.

MICHAEL: Yeah, there was some weird clause about inheritance, though. The fund is only available since I just have a dependent son and no grandchildren.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Dependent? In — in what sense?

MICHAEL: You know, living with me, never been married.

GEORGE MICHAEL suddenly looks uneasy.

MICHAEL: Hey, you okay? What, are you gonna tell me you don’t want to live with me? [Chuckles] Or that you’re secretly married?

GEORGE MICHAEL looks even worse.

BLACKOUT.

***

Orange County PRISON. LUCILLE is at a table in the visiting room, waiting.

NARRATOR: Lucille Bluth was visiting her youngest son Buster in prison, where he’d found himself after killing his ex-girlfriend, and his mother’s old friend and rival, Lucille Austero.

LUCILLE [to herself]: What can be taking him so long? He never used to treat me like this.

Finally BUSTER appears. His missing left hand has been replaced with a tennis ball; in his right hand he holds a Styrofoam cup. LUCILLE stands up with mild indignation upon seeing him.

BUSTER: Hello, Mother.

LUCILLE: A tennis ball? Have you found a doubles partner to replace me?

BUSTER [offended]: No one can replace you, Mother! [Beat] They didn’t let me have the hook, so I got this during rec hour.

BUSTER and LUCILLE sit down. Clearly they are unhappy about the “no touching” rule.

LUCILLE: I can’t believe how they’re treating you here. I came to let you know that Barry and I are working round the clock to get you free.

BUSTER [apprehensively]: Well, it’s not so bad here…

LUCILLE: Not so bad? My little boy is behind bars! And I heard there’s some kind of drug trafficking going on.

A PRISONER passes by and high-fives BUSTER on his tennis ball. Cries of “No touching!” from the GUARD.

LUCILLE: Who was that?

BUSTER [enigmatically]: A friend. [More proudly] Yes, Mother, I have friends here — more than I ever had at home.

LUCILLE [fully irate]: That’s it. I am getting you out of here so that I can teach you a lesson. [Seemingly softening] And so I can have you all to myself.

LUCILLE leaves. BUSTER takes a sip from his cup and sighs.

***

HOLLYWOOD. MAEBY is driving her PARENTS to Tantamount Studios.

TOBIAS: Let me tell you, seeing all these handsome and talented actors is just so exciting! All these beautiful faces, and soon you’ll be one of them.

TOBIAS reaches out to pat LINDSAY’s hand, but instead knocks over a bottle of water that she had been drinking. Unresponsive to this incident, MAEBY pulls into the driveway and takes out a very outdated parking pass.

LINDSAY [proudly]: You’ve always been so independent. I don’t even remember teaching you how to drive.

NARRATOR: That was because Maeby had taught herself. Practicing on the stair car had been rather difficult, but it made every other vehicle seem easy.

The FÜNKES get out of the car and walk toward a building marked by a sign saying AUDITIONS.

LINDSAY [checking her makeup in a portable mirror]: You know, with Lucille no longer my mother, I just feel so confident. It’s like nothing she says can affect me.

MAEBY: Really? ‘Cause she’s calling you.

LINDSAY reluctantly picks up the phone. Split screen showing both her and LUCILLE.

LUCILLE: Buster is out of control. Plus they searched my bag!

LINDSAY: I am not just a replacement for Michael, Lucille. I can’t take care of all your problems.

LUCILLE: Oh, don’t worry, I never thought you could. I need Maeby.

LINDSAY: Then why didn’t you call her yourself?

LUCILLE: I don’t think I have her number. Is she with you?

LINDSAY: As a matter of fact, she is, because mothers and daughters stick together.

MAEBY has wandered off.

LUCILLE: I hear some kind of flamboyant noise in the background. Is that just Tobias?

LINDSAY: We’re in Hollywood, Lucille. [Defiantly] I’m auditioning to be a model.

LUCILLE: That’s very valiant, dear, but I think the casting directors will be able to tell that you eat breakfast.

LINDSAY hangs up, then looks around to see that MAEBY is gone but TOBIAS is still waiting patiently with her. The two of them go inside to their audition.

***

PHOENIX. MICHAEL and GEORGE MICHAEL are sitting outside on Adirondack chairs.

NARRATOR: While Lucille was dealing with the abandonment of her now blistering, very grown-up son, George Michael was wishing that the blistering Arizona sun would abandon them.

MICHAEL: Okay, George Michael, I just got off the phone with a very competent lawyer in Orange County, and we can get you through this.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Can we go inside? It’s really hot out here.

MICHAEL [visibly sweating]: It’s not hot out. [Beat] But you know who is hot? This lawyer. Let me tell you, just listening to her, she is at the top of her game. So don’t worry, we will get you that annulment and it will be like that whole fiasco never happened.

NARRATOR: At the age of sixteen, George Michael had accidentally gotten legally married to his cousin, Maeby, during a supposedly fake ceremony at a retirement home. For some reason, this event was never brought up again, until now.

GEORGE MICHAEL: I guess we’ll have to talk to Maeby about this.

MICHAEL: Oh, don’t worry, she’ll be on board. I mean, who wants to be married to their cousin, huh?

GEORGE MICHAEL [laughing nervously]: Well, technically, once removed, but yeah…

MICHAEL: But there is a downside to this. It looks like we’ll have to go back to California for a little while to settle this matter.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, actually, that might be a good thing anyway, ‘cause that job I found is out in Hollywood, and also ‘cause… I kinda miss the family.

MICHAEL: I tell you what, George Michael: we’ll see the family. I mean we’ll have to. Certainly Maeby is your family… I suppose in more ways than one. But we are not getting involved, remember? That’s our motto. NGI.

GEORGE MICHAEL: NGI, right.

MICHAEL: I want us to take care of this right away, so let’s pack our things, get on the road tomorrow before it gets too hot.

GEORGE MICHAEL: I thought it wasn’t hot.

MICHAEL: In Arizona? Are you kidding me?

MICHAEL goes to pack, leaving GEORGE MICHAEL alone with his thoughts.

***

HOLLYWOOD. MAEBY and LINDSAY are sitting in a waiting room.

LINDSAY: Was I supposed to have any material prepared?

MAEBY: To be a model? All you need is your good looks.

TOBIAS returns from an adjoining room, holding a pamphlet.

TOBIAS: Did you see this? They’re holding auditions right now for a new movie! I believe I will impress the casting directors as their next [looking at the pamphlet] Clerk #3.

LINDSAY: A movie? What’s it about?

TOBIAS: I believe it’s a scathing critique of the hospitality industry, which I happen to know very well. Motel Behavior, it says.

LINDSAY: Give me that. [Taking the pamphlet] Maeby, were you having me audition for a movie?

NARRATOR: The movie in question was Model Behavior, a scathing critique of the fashion industry. Knowing that her mother was as dramatically inept as she was beautiful, Maeby had connived to have Lindsay audition — and embarrass herself — in order to teach her a lesson.

LINDSAY [delighted]: What a wonderful surprise! Now I can stick it to Lucille in even more ways!

TOBIAS: And I can co-star with you! Oh, Maeby, you really set us up so well.

MAEBY: Well, I tried.

MAEBY’s phone rings. Split screen between her and BUSTER.

BUSTER: Hey, niece!

MAEBY: Uncle Buster? How did you even get my number?

BUSTER [slightly hurt]: From my address book.

MAEBY: In the year 20—

Sound of a BELL in the background.

BUSTER: Listen, I only have five minutes until lunch, and I need your help. Mom is trying to get me out of jail, and I don’t think I want to go back home. I mean, here they have… well, I suppose you’re familiar with the power of… juice?

Cut to GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY, on the living room floor of the MODEL HOME (Season 3, Episode 12).

NARRATOR: Maeby had once gotten drunk off of fake wine with her cousin, George Michael.

Cut back to present day.

MAEBY: Okay, I got it. Doing drugs and avoiding Gangy.

BUSTER: Can you try to get her to back off?

MAEBY: I’ll see what I can do, but I’m kind of busy right now.

BUSTER: Right… Oh, hey, did you hear about this new movie they’re making? It’s a scathing critique of the Alpine singing industry. Maybe you should audition.

MAEBY: Maybe so.

MAEBY hangs up the phone.

MAEBY [to herself]: How many movies are being made?

***

A casual RESTAURANT, at lunchtime. GOB and TONY WONDER are waiting for their appetizers and for their dining companion.

GOB: What does he look like again?

TONY WONDER: Tall, letterman jacket, emphatic hand gestures—

GOB: Like your W thing?

TONY WONDER: Much less cool. Seriously, do you not remember Steve?

GOB [mildly indignant]: Of course I remember Steve. Hey, why is that waiter not in uniform?

Approaching them is not a waiter, but STEVE HOLT himself.

STEVE HOLT [grinning making his signature gesture]: DADS!

GOB [pretending to remember his own son]: Steve!

TONY WONDER [much more sincerely]: Steve! How’s it going? How’s your mother? I only met her once, but she was so lovely.

STEVE HOLT: All good, she’s good.

GOB [half to himself]: Seriously, Tony, do you know everyone? [To STEVE] So, what brings you here?

STEVE HOLT: Besides wanting to hang out with my AWESOME GAY DADS?

STEVE HOLT and TONY WONDER cheer; GOB confusedly joins them.

STEVE HOLT: This is kinda embarrassing, but… well, there’s this girl I want to impress, and I mean, she’s really successful. She’s got this whole ethical modeling business, and it’s just so cool… and I was thinking, maybe if you could teach me, I could ask her out with magic.

NARRATOR: I take back what I said earlier.

All THREE become very enthusiastic and simultaneously cheer, much louder than before.

WAITER [approaching them]: I’m sorry, but there’s been a noise complaint, and I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.

STEVE HOLT: That’s okay, I know this great taco place out in Hollywood. [As they are leaving] Maybe we can go see the studio where they’re making this cool new movie. I heard it’s a scathing critique of the winemaking industry.

BLACKOUT.

***

NARRATOR: On the next Arrested Development…

HOLLYWOOD. Maeby walks onstage.

NARRATOR: Maeby gets an unexpected opportunity in the fashion industry…

MAEBY [reading from a script, somewhat awkwardly]: Oh, the life of a model! The ups and downs, the dizzy highs and dizzier lows—

CASTING DIRECTOR: You know, miss, I don’t see you as an actress. But I have a friend in the modeling industry…

NARRATOR: As does GOB.

GOB is chugging a bottle of beer, cheered on by STEVE HOLT and TONY WONDER.

AGENT [approaching them]: That was amazing! That posture, that speed… I represent the Nonperishable Goods Industry, or NGI: Beer, Wine, and Soft Drinks Division. How would you like to be our next bottle model?

ROLL CREDITS.

Chapter Text

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Season 6, Episode 2:
“Melancholy Blues”

NARRATOR: And now, the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s Arrested Development.

Open on GEORGE MICHAEL and MICHAEL in a HOTEL ROOM in Orange County.

NARRATOR: George Michael Bluth and his cousin, Maeby Fünke, had recently decided it best to avoid each other.

Cut to footage of GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY from the first three seasons.

NARRATOR: After much speculation on the nature of their true relationship, and some on-again, off-again romantic interest between them, they had finally learned that they were, in fact, blood relatives. This revelation changed things between them, once and for all.

Cut to GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY kissing at the wall opening, then to MICHAEL and GEORGE MICHAEL leaving in the stair car (Season 5, Episode 16).

NARRATOR: After a final celebratory kiss, George Michael had left with his father, Michael, for Phoenix, never to see Maeby again.

Cut back to present day.

NARRATOR: But it seems fate had other plans.

GEORGE MICHAEL: You got all the papers, Dad?

MICHAEL: Yes, George Michael, for the thousandth time. [Kindly] Hey, I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. You just seem worried.

GEORGE MICHAEL [trying to make a joke]: Well, you know, this is my first divorce.

MICHAEL: Annulment. We’re going for an annulment, remember? Since you and Maeby never… I don’t even want to think about that.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Right, um, yeah, we never…

NARRATOR: George Michael really did not want to finish his sentence.

MICHAEL and GEORGE MICHAEL gather their things and leave the hotel room, heading toward the stair car.

MICHAEL: Perfect. But hey, don’t worry, this lawyer, I tell you, is top-notch. Soon enough it’ll be like nothing ever happened between you and Maeby.

GEORGE MICHAEL: I guess we should probably talk to her. Maeby, I mean.

They get in the STAIR CAR.

MICHAEL: Definitely. Hey, how about I drive and you call her? Should be smooth sailing from here.

***

GOB and TONY WONDER in the MODEL HOME, practicing magic.

NARRATOR: George Michael wasn’t the only Bluth about to face a figure from his past.

GOB [nervously]: He’s supposed to be here by now! Do you think he got lost? Or he doesn’t actually want to see us?

NARRATOR: GOB and his gay magician partner, Tony Wonder, were awaiting a visit from GOB’s son, Steve Holt. After some incidents with maritime magic—

Cut to GOB sinking the YACHT (Season 1, Episode 16).

NARRATOR: —they had decided it best to practice on dry land, and so had chosen the model home as a meetup spot.

Cut back to present day. The door opens. Enter STEVE HOLT.

STEVE HOLT: STEVE HOLT!

GOB: Hey, it’s Steve! Hey, Steve! How’s— how’s it—

TONY WONDER [much more calmly]: Come in!

STEVE HOLT sits down on the living room floor.

STEVE HOLT: Hey, I really appreciate you guys helping me ask out this girl. I mean, she is way cooler than I am. But, I should say, I think the magic should be, you know, family-friendly, since she has a little kid.

GOB: No problem. I once dated this religious chick, so I know all about Christian magic.

TONY WONDER: Is there some kind of theme you want to go with? Like, what kind of movies does she like?

STEVE HOLT: Oh, it’s funny you should ask! Remember that new movie I told you about?

***

GEORGE MICHAEL on the phone with MAEBY. Split screen showing both of them.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey, Maeby?

MAEBY [unexpectedly cheerful]: George Michael! What’s going on?

GEORGE MICHAEL [nervously]: Well, this is a matter of some delicacy…

MAEBY [laughing]: I think I can take it.

GEORGE MICHAEL: I’m sorry to dig up the past, and I know it’s all over, but… do you remember how we kind of… got married?

MAEBY [totally nonchalant]: Oh, yeah.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, it turns out the marriage was kind of… legally binding.

MAEBY: Yeah, I know.

GEORGE MICHAEL: You knew?

MAEBY: Yeah, it was really useful for some financial stuff. What about it?

GEORGE MICHAEL: [Beat] I think we have to get divorced.

MAEBY is unresponsive.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Can you come meet us today? We’re going to see a lawyer.

Zoom out to show MAEBY at work in HOLLYWOOD.

MAEBY: I’m kinda busy today. How about tomorrow?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Sure, sure. Today is just the initial consultation anyway.

MAEBY: Or tonight? We could also meet tonight.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, I think the office will be closed by then…

MAEBY: Pick me up at eight, okay? At the model home.

MAEBY hangs up.

MICHAEL: All good?

GEORGE MICHAEL: It looks like I’ll see her tonight.

MICHAEL: Hey, you got a date, huh? [Seriously] Just kidding. That would be—

GEORGE MICHAEL [laughing nervously]: Weird, so weird—

MICHAEL: Since you’re cousins—

GEORGE MICHAEL [simultaneously]: Since we’re getting divorced—

The STAIR CAR arrives outside some LEGAL OFFICE BUILDING; MICHAEL and GEORGE MICHAEL get out and approach their lawyer’s OFFICE.

MICHAEL: Here we are! Voted best lawyer in Orange County from 2003 to 2006. Megan Lezhat is her name.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Weird that we never met her before. Lots of legal stuff back then. Crazy coincidence.

MICHAEL: Well, not everything can be a coincidence, right? Sometimes life is just—

MICHAEL knocks on the door; it opens, and he comes face to face with Orange County prosecutor and his sometime lover, MAGGIE LIZER.

***

Orange County PRISON.

NARRATOR: Buster had been at the top of the world in prison.

Cut to BUSTER walking, escorted by guards, down the prison HALLS, PRISONERS gazing reverently; BUSTER in the YARD, playing tennis with his tennis-ball-hand; BUSTER surreptitiously exchanging contraband goods with other PRISONERS.

NARRATOR: He had, quite accidentally, gained control of a substance trafficking ring in the prison.

BUSTER [in a firm whisper]: Get me… the juice.

NARRATOR: Various illegal substances found their way into other prisoners’ beverages, but as it happened, Buster’s was always just juice.

BUSTER takes a swig; the effects are obvious.

NARRATOR: Not that it made much difference.

Cut to BUSTER’S CELL, trashed as after a party. BUSTER awakens, hung over.

NARRATOR: But recently, things weren’t going so well.

Cut to MAP of Mexico.

NARRATOR: There had been supply chain issues coming in from Mexico, and Buster was beginning to notice.

Cut back to PRISON, present day. BUSTER is at the vending machines.

BUSTER [irritated, to himself]: What do you mean, no fruit punch?

GUARD [approaching Buster]: There’s a visitor for you.

The GUARD escorts BUSTER to the visiting room, where LUCILLE is waiting.

LUCILLE: Hello, Buster. How’s life in prison treating you? Peachy as before?

Cut to BUSTER with other PRISONERS.

BUSTER [irritated]: What do you mean, no peach?

Cut back to visiting room.

BUSTER: Not really.

LUCILLE: So? Are you willing to return to your loving mother?

BUSTER: I don’t know…

LUCILLE: You can come back and live a normal life, Buster.

Cut to the PENTHOUSE: BUSTER zipping LUCILLE’S dress, which matches BUSTER’s outfit. Cut back to PRISON.

BUSTER: A normal life? That ship has sailed.

LUCILLE: I hope that’s not a dig at me.

BUSTER: I could have been a scholar like before. Or I could have been a captain, in Army. Now none of it is possible… [realizing something] and I know who’s to blame.

LUCILLE: If you’re gonna say “Lucille”, you had better mean the other one.

BUSTER: None of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t lost my arm.

LUCILLE: What are you going to do, sue the ocean?

LUCILLE and BUSTER both laugh, the latter a bit maniacally.

***

MAEBY at Tantamount Studios, HOLLYWOOD.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Maeby was having an unprecedentedly busy day.

COSTUMER [holding a rather ugly, splotchy dress]: Does this work?

MAEBY: About as well as you do. What do you think this is, a scathing critique of the expired foods industry?

NARRATOR: Mold Behavior.

MAEBY: Send it back.

LINDSAY and TOBIAS approach MAEBY.

LINDSAY: You show ‘em, Maeby!

TOBIAS: All these stars, and you’re the brightest of all.

TOBIAS tries to draw a star in the air but rather misrepresents the shape.

NARRATOR: Maeby’s parents were visiting her in the studio, in order to show her their support and gratitude for her having recently tried to get them jobs, when really she had been trying to sabotage them.

MAEBY: Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t you go hang out at the water cooler?

TOBIAS: Oh, we would, but what’s cooler than our little girl?

MAEBY: Thanks, Dad. But, uh, there’s this new rule. [Beat] Yeah, families of studio executives are not allowed here because of nepotism.

LINDSAY: Well, we shouldn’t count anyway, since I was adopted.

MAEBY: That’s not how that works, Mom. And, besides, aren’t you Gangy’s sister now?

TOBIAS [to LINDSAY]: Making you Maeby’s great-aunt?

LINDSAY does not appreciate the remark.

TOBIAS: But don’t I seem to recall, from days of yore, a different cultivation of our beautiful family tree? If I remember correctly, my esteemed grandmother-in-law passed away in… well, let’s see, Maeby was around twelve, and now she’s—

LINDSAY: Wait a minute! Something doesn’t add up. I have to go see Lucille.

MAEBY: Leaving so soon?

LINDSAY leaves, while TOBIAS remains. MAEBY receives a call from BUSTER. Split screen showing both of them.

MAEBY: Make it quick.

BUSTER: I had a great idea. I am going to sue the ocean for the loss of my arm.

MAEBY: [Beat — an idea is forming in her head] Hey, you know who could help you? My dad. He knows all about psychological damages.

NARRATOR: Also, Maeby wanted to watch her father and her uncle embarrass themselves in court.

MAEBY: Wait, here he is now.

MAEBY hands the phone to TOBIAS. End split screen.

TOBIAS: Yes… excellent!... You can count on me.

TOBIAS hangs up and sees that LINDSAY is gone.

TOBIAS: How can I get to jail now? Perhaps I can offer my services to some kindly gentleman in exchange for a ride.

***

MAGGIE LIZER, MICHAEL, and GEORGE MICHAEL in the former’s OFFICE.

NARRATOR: While Buster’s legal brilliance was on display, Michael and George Michael attended a legal consultation of their own.

MAGGIE: Now I don’t have much time; I’ve got another meeting soon. Countersuit coming from some crazy kid who’s out of his depth, but I’ll see what I can do for him. [Rummaging around] All you need to do is sign these papers [handing documents to GEORGE MICHAEL], get your wife to sign them too, pop them in the mail, and you’re all set.

MICHAEL: See? I told you it would be easy.

GEORGE MICHAEL: But wait, I thought we were going for an annulment.

MICHAEL: Right, since they’re cousins—

GEORGE MICHAEL [simultaneously]: Since the marriage was an accident—

MAGGIE [simultaneously]: Since you never consummated the marriage? I’m afraid it’s very difficult to prove, especially years later. But since you don’t have children or common property, it should be a pretty straightforward divorce.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Oh, okay, good to hear. [Beat] How much, uh, is this going to cost?

MICHAEL: Oh, don’t worry about that, George Michael. Let me take care of that. In fact, why don’t you go out, get yourself some ice cream, while Magg—an and I finish the consultation?

GEORGE MICHAEL shakes hands with MAGGIE and leaves. MICHAEL waits until he is out of earshot.

MICHAEL: Maggie Lizer! I never thought I would see you again? What did you fake this time, your own death? [Beat] You didn’t…

MAGGIE [exuberant]: You have no idea how easy it is. You like my new name? It’s French for “lying”, as in “making things up”.

NARRATOR: Actually, it was Russian for “lying”, as in “reclining”.

MICHAEL: Delightful. But why’d you do it?

MAGGIE [shrugging]: I just needed to start over. My legal reputation kind of deteriorated, and, you know, some things from back then, I kind of regret.

MICHAEL: But not—

MAGGIE: God no.

Cut to MICHAEL and MAGGIE passionately embracing (Season 1, Episodes 17 and 18; Season 2, Episodes 11 and 12), then back to present day.

MAGGIE: No, that was amazing. That was, like, next-level sex.

MICHAEL [a bit dreamily]: Yeah…

MAGGIE [straightened back into reality]: What about you? Did you finally go into maritime law?

MICHAEL: No, uh, unfortunately not. Actually, I’m trying to retire.

MAGGIE: Really! I can’t picture that. You always had such fire in you. Such passion—

MICHAEL and MAGGIE stare at each other for a moment, then throw themselves at each other and kiss heatedly.

***

BUSTER in the visiting room, Orange County PRISON.

BUSTER: Hey, brother-in-law.

TOBIAS [offscreen]: Buster! I heard from my daughter about your excellent idea, and I have come to get things going for you, the way that only an analrapist can.

Camera pans to TOBIAS, revealing that he has blued himself.

TOBIAS: First things first, I thought we’d do some role play. As you can see, I blue myself to represent the ocean. So go at it, take it out on me.

BUSTER [meekly]: I’m kind of mad at you.

TOBIAS [in analrapist mode]: And why is that?

BUSTER [a little more confidently]: You took my arm away! You and your vicious seals!

TOBIAS: Good, get into it.

BUSTER: I hate you! I wish you would dry up this instant! I’m gonna sue the pants off of you! [Sincerely; no longer angry]: Wow, maritime law is no match for us!

TOBIAS: Look at us. Blue and orange, like a colorful fruit salad.

BUSTER starts daydreaming about fruit salad, especially in liquid form.

TOBIAS: I’d like to see the law try to get between two men like us.

TOBIAS enthusiastically claps BUSTER on the arm, getting blue paint on his orange uniform.

GUARD: No touching!

***

PENTHOUSE. LUCILLE is pouring herself a drink; GEORGE SR. is nearby.

NARRATOR: Having returned from visiting her son Buster, Lucille was trying to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home.

LUCILLE [to herself]: Has this stuff gotten weaker?

GEORGE SR.: How’s Buster?

LUCILLE: Oh, you know, he misses his mother.

GEORGE SR.: And his father?

LUCILLE: Not so much.

A shadow in the BALCONY seems to slump and walk slowly, as if disappointed. Cue sad music from A Charlie Brown Christmas.

NARRATOR: Having finally found about about his twin brother’s presence in the penthouse—

Cut to OSCAR looking in the refrigerator for milk.

OSCAR: That son of a bitch.

NARRATOR: Oscar had been forced out of the bedroom—

Cut to LUCILLE and OSCAR asleep in BED. Enter GEORGE SR.

LUCILLE [pushing OSCAR off the bed]: What are you doing here?

NARRATOR: —into the bathroom—

Cut to OSCAR hiding in the BATHTUB. Enter GEORGE SR., who starts brushing his teeth and humming.

GEORGE SR. [to himself]: Maybe it’s time I take a nice shower.

OSCAR looks panicked.

NARRATOR: —and finally out onto the balcony, where he was now residing.

Cut to present day.

GEORGE SR.: I think I’m gonna go take a nap.

LUCILLE [absently]: Enjoy yourself.

GEORGE SR. exits.

LUCILLE [gesturing to OSCAR]: The coast is clear!

OSCAR comes in.

NARRATOR: But the coast was not quite clear. Lindsay had come to pay Lucille a visit, for no reason in particular.

LINDSAY [storming in]: I need to see some documents.

OSCAR, panicked, hides behind the DOOR.

LUCILLE: You’re really turning into Michael, aren’t you? I suppose you never had much womanly grace anyway, so if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

LINDSAY: I don’t think you’re my sister after all.

LUCILLE: Slander and libel! I did not raise you like this.

LINDSAY: It doesn’t make any sense. First in, like, 2004, we found out that Nana had died six months earlier, and then last year you said that Buster killed her when we were little.

NARRATOR: These two stories were, in fact, remarkably inconsistent, and it’s strange that no one had pointed it out earlier.

LINDSAY: Did you expect me just to forget that?

LUCILLE: I wouldn’t put it past you. All you think about is if the mirror is warped or the scale is broken.

LINDSAY: Lucille! Or should I say, Mother! [Confused, realized she’s supposed to be adopted from the Sitwells] Or should I say, Lucille!

LUCILLE: Have you completed your sentence?

LINDSAY: Are we related or not?

LUCILLE: Only through the deep and lasting bonds of raising you. [Reluctantly] But no, not by blood.

LINDSAY: That’s it. Goodbye, whoever you are.

Leaving, she notices OSCAR behind the DOOR.

LINDSAY: Oh, hi, Dad— I mean— Oh, I give up. [To herself, having left the PENTHOUSE] This is wonderful news! Or terrible news… I don’t know how I feel. I have to call Michael.

LINDSAY calls MICHAEL. Split screen showing both of them.

LINDSAY: Did you know I’m not related to Mom after all?

MICHAEL: Did you know my son and your daughter got married?

LINDSAY: What?

MICHAEL: What?

BLACKOUT.

***

GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY at a RESTAURANT. Louis Armstrong’s “Melancholy Blues” is playing in the background.

NARRATOR: George Michael and Maeby had gone out to dinner in a purely professional capacity.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey, it’s Louis Armstrong!

MAEBY: Where?

GEORGE MICHAEL: [Beat] So, uh, I guess we should talk about this divorce thing.

MAEBY: Do we even have to get divorced?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Oh, uh, do you feel—

MAEBY: I don’t know, it seems like a lot of work. I bet Uncle GOB could just destroy the marriage certificate using magic. [Pulling out her phone] Want me to ask him?

GEORGE MICHAEL: No, thank you.

MAEBY: Or maybe we should stay married for, like, a tax break or something.

NARRATOR: Maeby had never paid taxes in her life.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah, but I thought we were getting divorced for financial reasons. And, of course, because it was wrong…

MAEBY: Right… being cousins—

GEORGE MICHAEL [simultaneously]: Being sixteen—

MAEBY: I don’t know, every time I think about it, it’s just so melancholy, like something terrible I’m eating.

NARRATOR: Maeby was under the impression that "melancholy" was a bitter vegetable. She had the right sentiment, though.

GEORGE MICHAEL: I know what you mean. Like, hey, married at sixteen, divorced in your twenties, nothing to show for it.

MAEBY [laughing bitterly]: I guess there’s no way around it, though.

A moment of bittersweet silence. Suddenly MAEBY receives a call from LINDSAY. Split screen showing both of them.

LINDSAY: It’s official: I am out of the family.

MAEBY: Uncle Michael?

LINDSAY: Not anymore. You can tell everyone that Lindsay Bluth Fünke is not a Bluth at all, and neither are you. Gangy lied about everything.

MAEBY: So George Michael and I aren’t related?

LINDSAY pauses to do the mental math. GEORGE MICHAEL has overheard what MAEBY said. MAEBY excitedly hangs up.

MAEBY: Wanna make this a date?

***

HOLLYWOOD. GOB, TONY WONDER, and STEVE HOLT have driven to Tantamount Studios to find the girl whom STEVE HOLT wants to impress.

NARRATOR: Across town, another date was being planned.

GOB: Crazy people in Hollywood, huh? Nice group of idiots.

TONY WONDER: NGI. I like the sound of that.

STEVE HOLT: Not her, though. She’s really sweet. Funny, too.

TONY WONDER: How did you two meet?

STEVE HOLT: Family connection. We knew a lot of people in common. Actually, we went to the same high school, but never knew it.

GOB [proud of his son]: She seems wonderful.

GOB and TONY both furtively do the W hand signal.

They approach the STUDIO where Model Behavior is being filmed. One corner of the studio is reserved for “Godlike Behavior: A Christian Modeling Company”, which is co-producing the film.

STEVE HOLT [pointing to said corner]: There she is!

GOB: …Her?

***

GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY on top of the STAIR CAR, parked on a hill. It is late evening, and they are looking over the city, drinking soda.

MAEBY: I can’t believe we don’t have anything stronger to drink.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, you know, I do have to drive.

MAEBY [with a touch of irony which GEORGE MICHAEL does not fully understand]: Right, can’t impair the impeccable judgment of the guy who dated Bland.

Cut to the previous scene.

GOB: …Her?

Cut back to the present.

MAEBY: Speaking of your excellent decision-making, that whole legally-binding thing, were you trying to keep it a secret?

GEORGE MICHAEL: No, of course not — I’m terrible at keeping secrets, you know that. Especially from you.

MAEBY: Yeah, you’re pretty obvious.

GEORGE MICHAEL: I don’t know, you used to be kind of oblivious.

MAEBY: Maybe I was just leading you on.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Maybe you actually liked me.

MAEBY: Maybe I did. [Beat] Maybe I still do.

Suddenly, GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY kiss, at some length, with real emotion. They look at each other, a little sad, a little frightened, a little excited.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Now that we’ve made out, shall we sign those divorce papers?

MAEBY: No better time than now.

MAEBY and GEORGE MICHAEL sign the divorce papers, drop them in a nearby mailbox, then sit back down. Silence for a moment.

MAEBY [with a rare show of emotion]: It’s not really over, is it?

GEORGE MICHAEL: [softly, but more confidently than usual]: Only if you want it to be.

They kiss again.

***

Orange County COURTHOUSE. BUSTER, TOBIAS, MAEBY, and MICHAEL are assembled.

MICHAEL: Really, this is inane.

NARRATOR: Barry Zuckercorn, the family lawyer, had a prior commitment and was unable to represent Buster in court.

Cut to BARRY’S MUGSHOTS, then back.

NARRATOR: But Buster had nonetheless gotten leave from prison for his trial. This time, he was not the defendant, but the plaintiff.

BUSTER: Whose side are you even on, Michael?

MICHAEL: Technically, no one’s. [Reluctantly] But I’m with you.

TOBIAS: Well, Buster, you certainly know which team I bat for.

JUDGE [hitting the gavel]: The court is now in session. Calling the prosecution.

The prosecution, MAGGIE LIZER, approaches the bench.

MAGGIE: Your Honor, I am representing Buster Bluth in his noble effort to reclaim the life that was so unjustly taken from him. You see, he has been imprisoned for the supposed murder of Lucille Austero. But we as a society need to look further, deeper, into root causes. Buster and I can prove that the Cinco de Cuatro incident would never have happened if not for a seemingly accidental injury previously sustained by my client in a vicious encounter with the ocean.

NARRATOR: And as he watched his former lover argue on behalf of his little brother, Michael realized three things. One, he cared more about his family than he’d let himself admit.

Camera pans to BUSTER passionately, though ineptly, arguing his case.

NARRATOR: Two, he was fascinated by the intricacies of legality at sea.

MAGGIE points at a chart of international waters. The JUDGE nods solemnly.

NARRATOR: And three, he was really, really into Maggie.

MAGGIE [flashing an attractive smile]: Your Honor, I rest my case.

NARRATOR: But though Maggie Lizer won Michael over, she was not so successful with the judge, and the case was thrown out of court.

JUDGE: This is absurd. Court dismissed.

MAGGIE: Well, I tried. [To MICHAEL] Wanna go home with me?

MICHAEL: You know, I would love to, but I really should check in on my son first.

MICHAEL calls GEORGE MICHAEL.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hi, Dad! What did that lawyer say?

Cut to MAGGIE’S OFFICE.

MAGGIE: That was, like, next-level sex.

Cut back to present day.

MICHAEL: She said some wonderful things. [Beat] But I have some great news. I have found my passion, and it looks like I won’t be retiring after all. [Excitedly] I am going into maritime law.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey, that’s great!

MICHAEL: So you don’t have to get divorced if you don’t want to.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Uh… too late for that.

BLACKOUT.

***

NARRATOR: On the next Arrested Development…

GOB’s YACHT. He and TONY WONDER are sitting, poring over a paper.

NARRATOR: GOB tries to figure out the family tree.

TONY WONDER: So Plant slept with you, Plant slept with me, Plant's now dating Steve…

GOB: Egg dated George Michael, Steve dated Maeby, Maeby dated— I almost said “Maeby dated George Michael”. [Laughing] That would be weird—

TONY WONDER: Since they’re cousins—

GOB [simultaneously]: Since their exes are now dating—

NARRATOR: And certain relationships get even more complicated.

GEORGE MICHAEL in his HOTEL ROOM. MAEBY knocks on the door.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey, Maeby, what’s up?

MAEBY: Marry me.

ROLL CREDITS.

Chapter Text

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Season 6, Episode 3:
“Ear, Nose, and Throat”

NARRATOR: And now, the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s Arrested Development.

Open at Tantamount Studios, HOLLYWOOD. GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY are on set for Model Behavior, standing around with a group of COWORKERS.

NARRATOR: Having finalized their divorce, George Michael and Maeby had recently sent out wedding invitations.

MAEBY: We actually hadn’t seen each other for months, and then we both separately got jobs here.

NARRATOR: Their engagement had also become known at the studio, where they had both joined the crew of Model Behavior.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah, I found the video editing job online, and she—

Cut to earlier at the STUDIO.

SET DESIGNER: Where did the producer go?

MAEBY: Right here!

SET DESIGNER: Oh, I thought it was—

MAEBY [hastily]: No, it’s me.

Cut back to present day.

COWORKER 1:. It’s like something out of a rom-com!

COWORKER 2: Like fate pushed you together!

GEORGE MICHAEL [with a nervous smile]: Something like that.

COWORKER 3: How’d you two meet in the first place?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Uh, well, I was working at the banana stand—

MAEBY [simultaneously]: Actually, we’re cousins!

EVERYONE stares in shock at MAEBY.

MAEBY: Just kidding! Childhood friends.

Camera pans to ANN, who is approached by STEVE HOLT.

STEVE HOLT: Hey, babe. You ready for lunch?

ANN [holding up her invitation]: Did you get this?

STEVE HOLT [doing his signature cheer]: WEDDING! You wanna go together?

ANN: Well, I suppose there was cousin marriage in the Bible. [Beat] All right.

STEVE HOLT: Maybe my dad has a suit I could borrow.

Cut to GOB (Season 2, Episode 6).

GOB: $6,000 suit!

Cut back to present day.

ANN: We should see if that suit is modest and God-honoring. Let’s go tomorrow.

Exit ANN and STEVE HOLT. Camera pans back over to GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY.

MAEBY: What a weird couple.

***

LUCILLE and GEORGE SR. in the PENTHOUSE.

NARRATOR: Across town, Lucille was feeling very cramped in her apartment.

GEORGE SR.: Did you see those wedding invitations?

LUCILLE: Who do we know who’s tacky enough to get married at this time of year?

GEORGE SR.: Maybe I need new glasses. [Looking more closely] No, that definitely says—

LUCILLE snatches the invitation, reads it. Shocked, she drops her martini, which spills on GEORGE SR’s shirt.

GEORGE SR.: I’ll go change.

LUCILLE [Not looking up]: It’s a little late for that. [Beat — still caustically] Oh, you meant your clothes.

GEORGE SR. heads into the BEDROOM, where he is met with a surprise: an immobile OSCAR. GEORGE SR turns on the bedroom light, pokes at OSCAR, pulls his hair. OSCAR does not budge.

GEORGE SR.: That bastard. First he tries to take away my wife, then he comes to die in my home!

GEORGE SR. tries to drag OSCAR’s body away, which goes poorly and mostly just makes a lot of noise.

LUCILLE [loudly, from the living room]: That noise, when other people are ill!

NARRATOR: Lucille had recently developed a cough from the environmental conditions in her apartment.

Cut to Lucille in BED, sitting next to OSCAR, surrounded by a cloud of smoke. Cut back to present day.

LUCILLE: What are you doing in there, dragging a corpse around?

GEORGE SR. emerges from the bedroom. He has not changed his shirt. LUCILLE is now at the doorway.

LUCILLE: All right, boys, I’m leaving. I have to go to the pharmacist.

GEORGE SR. [feigning ignorance]: Boys?

LUCILLE [hastily]: I meant you and Buster. [Mock-wistfully] I keep forgetting that he has forsaken us.

GEORGE SR. returns to the BEDROOM.

GEORGE SR.: I wonder how fast his hair will fall off.

***

GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY, standing in the MODEL HOME in front of MICHAEL, LINDSAY, and TOBIAS.

NARRATOR: George Michael and Maeby were dragging around difficulties of their own.

LINDSAY: Maeby, did you design this yourself?

Closeup of the INVITATION. It is riddled with typos.

LINDSAY [proudly]: Because it’s gorgeous!

MICHAEL takes the invitation, looks at it questioningly.

MICHAEL: Maeby, it’s very… you.

MAEBY grins.

MICHAEL [trying to be supportive]: George Michael, you wanted to tell us something about this upcoming, uh, celebration?

GEORGE MICHAEL [almost nauseated]: Yeah, um, just that we know it’s… unusual—

MAEBY [a little defiantly]: But legal!

GEORGE MICHAEL: Yes, uh, it would be legal in the state of California, even if we were— which we’re not… well, legally we are, paperwork pending…

MAEBY: Best state in the Union! Beaches, movies, legal weed, cousin marriage—

GEORGE MICHAEL: The point is, that, uh, we’d really appreciate it if you guys could be, you know, not too weird about this.

MAEBY [lightly]: But if you are weird about it, we really don’t give a—

TOBIAS: Fun! What fun this will be! Since I’m afraid I’m too old to be your flower girl, perhaps I could offer my services to my lovely daughter as her escort.

EVERYONE gives TOBIAS a concerned look.

TOBIAS: Down the aisle.

LINDSAY [ignoring TOBIAS]: Well, I, for one, am delighted. No one can call me a Bluth now!

TOBIAS: I concur with my lovely wife. Now, at last, the esteemed Bluth and Fünke clans will be united through the sacred bonds of matrimony, an institution I hold so dear to my heart.

Cut to TOBIAS in cutoffs as an exasperated LINDSAY rants at him (Season 1, Episode 7).

TOBIAS: How am I not addressing your needs?

LINDSAY: How can you even ask that?

Cut back to present day.

TOBIAS: I am sure you will make your “cousband”, as it were, very happy. But if you need any conjugal advice, the analrapist is in.

Standing up, TOBIAS awkwardly pulls GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY into a group hug and kisses them each on the cheek.

MICHAEL: Now, I’ve already offered to George Michael, but, uh, even though I’m not a big-shot maritime lawyer quite yet, I would still be happy to pay for the, uh, event.

MAEBY: That’s very nice, Unc— [confusedly] Mr. Michael?

MICHAEL: Just Michael is fine.

GEORGE MICHAEL: But we’re keeping it pretty low-budget.

LINDSAY: Have you chosen a dress yet?

MAEBY: That’s all taken care of.

Cut to MAEBY on SET for Model Behavior, wearing a wedding dress.

COWORKER: Isn’t that from costuming?

MAEBY [walking toward the PARKING LOT]: It’s okay, I’m just taking it in for alterations.

Cut back to present day.

LINDSAY: What color?

MAEBY: Uh, white?

LINDSAY: Oh, come on. You know white washes me out. It’s like you don’t even want me as your maid of honor.

MAEBY: I meant for my dress.

LINDSAY: Oh, that. It’s too bad you’re not my size.

MAEBY: If you want, I can take you to the shop where I got mine.

GEORGE MICHAEL: And Dad, I wanted to ask you, since you're kind of Mr. First Man in my life—

DISTANT VOICE: Mr. F!

GEORGE MICHAEL: —if you [smiling awkwardly but sincerely] could be Mr. Best Man for me.

MICHAEL: We’d just call it “best man”. But of course I will, George Michael. [Hugging GEORGE MICHAEL and ruffling his hair paternally] Because I love you.

MAEBY: And because he doesn’t have any other friends. Kidding — I mean, neither do I.

TOBIAS: And you both have me! That’s what family is: friends who touch you every day.

TOBIAS receives another look.

TOBIAS: You know, your hearts.

***

ANN and STEVE HOLT walking down the DOCK.

ANN: I don’t feel very good about this. The docks are full of unsavory characters. Plus it smells like beached animals.

STEVE HOLT [looking down]: Ooh, a penny! [Bending down to pick it up] You go on ahead.

GOB does not see STEVE HOLT, but he and ANN catch a glimpse of each other.

ANN: Him?

GOB: Her?

NARRATOR: Wanting to avoid his former girlfriend, GOB decided to do what he did best, and make himself disappear.

GOB jumps into the water.

STEVE HOLT [approaching ANN]: I found a stick of gum, too! [Looking around] Aw man, did he abandon me again?

***

GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY, on the living room floor in the MODEL HOME, with papers strewn about. MICHAEL sits on the couch.

GEORGE MICHAEL [consulting a checklist]: Do you think we should invite Uncle Buster after all?

MICHAEL: You know what, I think it would just offend him.

MAEBY: Hey, how do you spell RSVP?

MICHAEL [Beat — with the classic Michael face]: Been a while since you threw a party, huh? What would the last one be, your high school graduation? How long ago was that?

Moment of awkward silence. GEORGE MICHAEL absents himself.

NARRATOR: For once, Maeby’s instincts of deception failed her, as had her grades.

MICHAEL: You never… [Industriously] Well, it’s never too late. They have night school and exams going on all the time. Hey, maybe you can even get it done before your festivities.

MAEBY: You want me to get my Jed?

Enter LINDSAY.

LINDSAY: Maeby, are you ready to take me to that boutique? [Looking around] What’s going on?

MICHAEL: Did you know that your daughter does not have her high school diploma?

LINDSAY: Oh, that doesn’t matter. I hardly ever used mine — although, of course, I had my looks.

MAEBY [immediately]: I’ll do it.

MICHAEL: Hey, that’s great! [Looking on his phone] Good news: there’s an exam going on this weekend. Now, I don’t know if you’ll be prepared by then, but you could always give it the ol’ high school try, huh?

MAEBY [sarcastically]: Yeah, I’ll totally ace it.

Exit MICHAEL; reenter GEORGE MICHAEL. Enter GOB, who absently picks up a Q-tip which has been sitting on the COUCH.

GOB [swabbing the Q-tip in his ear]: God, living by the water is absolute hell. I don’t know how beached animals do it. [With feigned nonchalance] What’s going on?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Oh, hi, Uncle GOB. We’re just looking over wedding stuff.

GOB: Ooh, who’s getting married? [Beat] Kidding.

NARRATOR: GOB was not really kidding, but had momentarily forgotten.

GOB: Have you given any thought to my proposition?

GEORGE MICHAEL: It’s a really nice idea—

MAEBY: No magic at the wedding.

GOB: Come on!

GEORGE MICHAEL: I’m sorry, Uncle GOB, but it’s just that we don’t really want any extra attention. We were just thinking of, you know, a small, quiet wedding.

MAEBY: A family affair, if you will.

NARRATOR: She said it, not me.

GEORGE MICHAEL: I hope you understand.

GOB: No — yeah — of — of course I — I —

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey, if you see Uncle Buster, can you tell him no hard feelings?

GOB: I’m sure… he’ll feel exactly as I do.

***

PENTHOUSE.

NARRATOR: Lucille had gone out to the pharmacist, leaving George Sr. to do some investigation.

GEORGE SR. pokes OSCAR with various kitchen implements.

NARRATOR: It turned out that George Sr. hadn’t been the only one sent into the bedroom by Lucille’s drink.

Cut to OSCAR wandering around the LIVING ROOM, smoking marijuana like a cigarette. He notices an unattended small glass of what appears to be wine.

OSCAR [taking a sip]: Mmm, that’s delightful. I wonder if there’s any more.

OSCAR spies a bottle of the drink next to the glass and takes it with him to the BEDROOM.

NARRATOR: The combination of the marijuana and the drink, which turned out to be Lucille’s drowsy cold medicine, had sent him into an almost coma-like sleep.

Close up of MEDICINE, labeled NGI: Nighttime Grape Ingestible.

NARRATOR: This meant that when George Sr. finally discovered Oscar, he mistook him for dead.

GEORGE SR.: I’ll bet he wants to be cremated.

NARRATOR: Oscar, too, had recently found out that George Sr. was living in the penthouse, but did not know that George Sr. knew about him. It was a rather convoluted situation.

GEORGE SR. tries to carry OSCAR: first dragging him wrapped in blankets, then lifting him on his shoulders, then prying him off the bed with a large spatula. The latter method finally wakes OSCAR.

OSCAR: Lucille, you know I’m not really into that— [opening his eyes] George?

GEORGE: Oscar? You’re supposed to be dead!

OSCAR: I guess I’m not, but I do think I saw God before I woke up.

GEORGE SR.: So you didn’t come to die here and spite me?

OSCAR: No, I came to live here. Lucille invited me.

GEORGE SR.: Lucille invited you:? Lucille invited me!

OSCAR: Really? What did she say, “I want my fraudulent, philandering husband back?”

GEORGE SR.: What did she say to you, “I like my apartment, but I wish it smelled like weed all the time?”

OSCAR: No, she said— [puzzled] Well, I can’t remember the exact words…

NARRATOR: And that’s when they realized that they had both invited themselves.

OSCAR.: So what’re we gonna do now?

GEORGE SR.: Maybe we should take turns.

OSCAR: As me, or as you?

GEORGE SR.: But neither of us is— Wait, do you hear coughing?

Enter LUCILLE.

LUCILLE [confidently]: Well, I see all has been revealed. I suppose you’re arguing over who can stay?

GEORGE SR. and OSCAR both give their signature wounded-bird expression.

LUCILLE: You may both stay. That is, if you don’t mind sharing with Buster when he’s home from prison.

GEORGE SR.: Oh, forget it.

BLACKOUT.

***

LINDSAY in a pink formal dress, with MAEBY, on SET for Model Behavior.

NARRATOR: While George Sr. was making off under duress, Maeby and her mother were making off with a dress.

MAEBY: Okay, just act nonchalant.

COWORKER: Wait! Don’t I recognize that dress?

LINDSAY: Who are you, the fashion police?

COWORKER: Actually, I was trained with the OCPD.

NARRATOR: Don’t call it that.

MAEBY: Run!

LINDSAY and MAEBY run to the car, LINDSAY tearing the dress on the way. They get in the CAR but cannot get it to start.

MAEBY: We’re just bringing it in for alterations!

COWORKER [pleasantly]: All right then, carry on! [To herself] Oh, I know what I recognize it from! It was in last May’s Vogue. Wow, that woman really is unfashionable.

***

GOB in the visiting room, Orange County PRISON. Enter BUSTER.

NARRATOR: And GOB went past another set of police in order to deliver news to Buster.

BUSTER: Hey, brother!

BUSTER tries to massage GOB on the shoulders, but is met with the cry of “No touching” from the GUARD.

NARRATOR: Though GOB couldn’t enjoy one now, Buster’s shoulder massages had greatly improved since he replaced his left hook with a tennis ball.

Cut to BUSTER approaching PRISONER and massaging him. PRISONER almost punches BUSTER in the face but suddenly realizes he quite enjoys the massage. Cut back to present day.

BUSTER [confidentially]: Those massages are kind of the only thing keeping up my status here since [in a whisper] the juice ran out.

GOB holds his hand over his ear.

BUSTER [getting up to leave]: If you don’t want to listen to me, I am wanted elsewhere.

GOB: Water in the ears. Hurts like hell.

BUSTER [sitting back down]: The water is a vicious foe, GOB. That’s why my motto is Never Go In. NGI. [Slightly annoyed] I wish you had gotten that ear infection earlier so you could’ve joined my lawsuit.

NARRATOR: Buster had recently tried to sue the ocean.

Cut to COURTHOUSE (Season 6, Episode 2).

JUDGE: This is absurd. Court dismissed.

Cut back to present day.

GOB: Buster, do you know anything about the kids’ wedding?

BUSTER: [Defensively] That was years ago, and it was Mother’s idea anyway.

Cut to a photo of a facetious wedding ceremony between BUSTER as a young child and LUCILLE.

GOB: No, our niece and nephew’s wedding.

BUSTER: Maeby and Steve Holt?

GOB: Steve Holt isn’t our nephew.

BUSTER: Oh yeah, he’s my nephew but he’s your son.

GOB [as if he totally remembered that] Right! Also, he’s dating Ann now.

BUSTER: Oh, yeah. I remember Ann. Nice girl. [Beat] So it’s Steve and Ann’s wedding then?

GOB: No, George Michael and Maeby’s.

BUSTER: George Michael and Maeby? That’s just so wrong… that they didn’t invite me! I am indignant!

GOB: And they didn’t even ask me to perform magic for them! I’m even less dignant than you!

***

MODEL HOME. MAEBY is in the living room; GEORGE MICHAEL approaches her.

GEORGE MICHAEL: I just put the test in the mail, so the results should come in soon by email.

MAEBY: But I took it in person. Actually, it was really easy. Maybe they gave me the one for Mexican kids by mistake.

GEORGE MICHAEL: No, I mean the test we did together. [Beat] Listen, Maeby. This all so sudden, and I feel like you’re making a lot of jokes about it, and I — I need to know that you’re not just marrying me because it’s a crazy thing to do, like, I don’t know, Aunt Lindsay did with Tobias. Because I feel like we have real history, and chemistry—

MAEBY: Ugh, please do not remind me of that test.

GEORGE MICHAEL: But if you don’t feel that too, then, you know, it is what it is. [Awkwardly joking] “‘Tis what it’s”, as they say. Huh, I wonder why people never say that.

MAEBY: God, you’re so dorky. [Beat] Hey, you know by now, I am the way I am. I mean, I’m a mean person. I do things my way. I mess with people. I steal from my workplace. I’m not really, you know, a serious person.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey, if I wanted someone serious, I’d marry Ann.

MAEBY: Who? [Beat] So yeah, life is kind of a joke to me. You know, [somewhat bitterly] like a dark comedy.

NARRATOR: Hey, like our show!

MAEBY: But I’m not doing this for the joke. [Sincerely] George Michael, I’m marrying you because I think otherwise I might live the rest of my life without love. And I don’t mean just, like, receiving love. I mean giving it too.

NARRATOR: This was perhaps the most perceptive thing Maeby had said thus far in her life.

GEORGE MICHAEL [moved]: Maeby, I love you.

MAEBY: Maybe I do too. [Beat — grinning] Just kidding. I know what you meant.

GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY kiss.

GEORGE MICHAEL: But do you—

MAEBY [teasingly]: What do you think?

GEORGE MICHAEL: I think you do. [Softly] But I’d like to hear you say it.

MAEBY: Then I love you too.

They kiss again.

***

WEDDING VENUE. GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY, in their wedding garb, are making final preparations. Enter the WEDDING GUESTS: LUCILLE with GEORGE SR. and OSCAR on either side; LINDSAY and TOBIAS; MICHAEL with MAGGIE LIZER; STEVE and ANN with TONY WONDER.

NARRATOR: Finally, after years of seemingly implausible obstacles, and a great deal of controversy, George Michael and Maeby’s big day had come.

GEORGE MICHAEL [looking through the crowd]: Should we wait for Uncle GOB?

MAEBY: Oh, you know him. I’m sure he just wants to make a dramatic entrance.

GEORGE MICHAEL: And you sent Uncle Buster that consolation note, right?

MAEBY: No, I thought you sent that. Also, I was kinda avoiding him since I didn’t want him trying to help me study for Jed.

MICHAEL and MAGGIE approach GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY; the two men and the two women among them pair off.

MICHAEL: Hey, kid, I just wanted to check in before your, uh, big moment. All good?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah, we talked, and… [smiling nervously but charmingly] I think it’s really gonna be good. [Beat] Oh, Dad, can you hold my phone? I don’t seem to have pockets. Actually, I think this might be a woman’s suit.

Cut to MAEBY absconding from the SET of Model Behavior with said tuxedo in hand. Cut back to present day. GEORGE MICHAEL hands MICHAEL his cell phone.

MICHAEL: Of course. Don’t worry, I won’t interrupt the ceremony if you get an email or something.

Camera pans to MAEBY and MAGGIE, who are clearly hitting it off.

MAGGIE [with mild disgust]: So let me get this straight, you use fraud and deception to do more work?

MAEBY: Not always. Once I pretended to be retired.

MAGGIE: Once I pretended to be pregnant.

MAEBY: Once I pretended to be dying.

MAGGIE: Once I pretended to be blind.

MAEBY: Once I pretended to be a movie producer. Well, I’m still kinda doing that.

MAGGIE: Once I pretended to be dead. Well, I’m still kinda doing that too.

MAEBY: How have we never met before?

Finally the time comes. TOBIAS walks MAEBY down the aisle: of course, he is her something blue. STEVE HOLT follows as the flower girl. GEORGE MICHAEL is waiting at the front of the aisle, with MICHAEL behind him as his best man and LINDSAY opposite as MAEBY’s maid of honor. ANN insists on reading a very lengthy prayer. At first, the ceremony proceeds, amazingly enough, without any interruptions to arrest its development.

OFFICIANT: If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace.

Enter BUSTER, out of breath, running in.

BUSTER: I object!

GOB [materializing in a cloud of smoke]: Me too!

MICHAEL [much less dramatically]: Hey, kid, I hate to say this, but I have an objection too.

MICHAEL takes out the phone and shows GEORGE MICHAEL the test results, which have just come in.

GEORGE MICHAEL: I’m her nephew?

EVERYONE looks at LUCILLE, wondering the extent of her deceit, but even LUCILLE is shocked — especially because the OFFICIANT has ripped off his fake nose and glasses.

LUCILLE: Aaaah! Gene!

GENE PARMESAN: Gene Parmesan, private detective. [Looking at the test results] What is this?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, uh, we took a genetic test just, you know, to make sure.

GOB: That you're not Mexican?

MAEBY: That we’re not actually related.

BUSTER: Oh, I see. Cool. Hey, for those tests, do you pee in a cup or do you pick your nose?

MICHAEL: There has got to be a better way of saying that.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Uh, it’s the latter.

BUSTER: I actually took a class on genetics a few years back. I don’t know if the complex concepts I studied will show up here, but let me give it a look. [Taking the phone] Hey, George Michael, didn’t you say it was a nasal sample?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah, I sent in one of those swabs.

BUSTER: ‘Cause this says your genes were taken from earwax.

Camera pans to GOB. He realizes something.

GOB: I’ve made a huge mistake.

***

SAME LOCATION, after the ceremony.

GENE PARMESAN: That was amazing work you did today, Buster. How would you like to come work for me?

BUSTER: I don’t know, prison doesn’t usually have half days.

GENE PARMESAN: Are you kidding? I can get you out of there in no time.

BUSTER: Will there be [whispering] juice?

GENE PARMESAN: If you can sneak it into a thermos.

BUSTER [enthusiastically]: Then I’m in!

BUSTER shakes GENE PARMESAN’s hand with his tennis ball, which falls off.

GENE PARMESAN: Another excellent move! I can learn from this guy.

MICHAEL [suddenly realizing something]: Gene, are you actually a licensed officiant?

GENE PARMESAN: Oh, no. Those kids aren’t legally married yet.

MICHAEL [concerned]: Do they know that? [Looking around] George Michael? Maeby?

MICHAEL looks out and sees GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY driving off in the STAIR CAR; “JUST MARRIED” is written on the bumper. MICHAEL hurriedly calls GEORGE MICHAEL.

MICHAEL: George Michael? I just realized, Gene didn’t actually— yeah, you’d better—

In the background, the STAIR CAR turns around.

BLACKOUT.

***

On the next Arrested Development:

GOB in the living room of the MODEL HOME, holding a bottle of ear drops and a paper with instructions.

NARRATOR: GOB diligently follows the doctor’s orders.

GOB: “Insert into nostrils, hold for 30 seconds.” Seems kinda indirect, but I guess that’s the miracle of modern medicine.

MODEL HOME. MAEBY is reading a paper while GEORGE MICHAEL looks at his phone.

NARRATOR: And Maeby gets some test results of her own.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Okay, the new results are in and [relieved] it looks like our only relation is as husband and wife. And ex- husband and wife.

MAEBY [calling out]: Hey George Michael, you studied Mexican, right? Can you come read this?

GEORGE MICHAEL [reading the paper]: Summa cum laude?

ROLL CREDITS.