Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

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Well, I grew up wishing I could close off the way my dad did,

'Cause that man never felt a damn thing he didn't wanna feel.

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A shiver runs down Nick’s spine and he wraps his purple cardigan tighter around his frame as he picks up his pace to get to the barn as fast as possible. The wind around him is particularly cold today and he really wants to avoid the worst of it in order to not get sick. Nick knows, considering the state of it, it won’t be much warmer inside, but at least it will hold off the worst and the cows will also give off some of their body heat to warm him up. 
 
Just as he reaches for the door handle, something grazes his left foot and he looks down to catch his dog, Daisy, slipping between his legs and closer to the door, also more than eager to get inside. “Alright,” he huffs. “But if you disturb the cows again, you know it’s back into the cold with you. So, you better behave.” Nick says as he tries to give his three-year-old golden retriever a stern look, but fails as soon as his eyes land on her soft brown ones.
 
If his mum could see him right now, she’d definitely laugh at him for even trying to be strict with her when everyone in this damn town knows that he’s a sucker for his dog. But what can he say? The minute he laid eyes on her when she was only two months old, he knew there would be no going back. Maybe he should really think about consulting that dog trainer Tara told him about; it was about time Daisy learned some rules that did not include knowing exactly what to do just to get him to give her the tenth treat of the day.
 
“In you go love,” Nick mumbles as he finally manages to push the old wooden door open,making sure to close it as soon as he and Daisy are safely inside the barn. When he turns around to look at the open space, a huge smile starts spreading on his face as his eyes land on his ten beauties all lined up and more than eager to get their food rations for the day.
 
“Hello Dottie,” he greets the nearest cow as he lets his hand softly glide over the lower part of her back before he walks along the corridor in-between them, quickly surveying every single one of his ten Welsh Black cows in order to make sure nothing had happened to any of them during the night. Satisfied with what he sees, he grabs a bucket and starts shovelling some food into it, distributing it evenly into the feeding troughs closest to him. He repeats the same motion a few times until all of them are full and steps back proudly, heart swelling as soon as all his cows start moving to the troughs’ direction to get their first meal of the day.
 
Nick loves this time of the day. Everyone else always calls him crazy for enjoying getting up before the sun even rises to feed his babies, but it’s the most peaceful when it’s just him, Daisy and the cows. If someone had told him five years ago that this would be his life, he would have laughed at them, but now that he’s really living it, he couldn’t be more grateful for the peace and quiet it brings. 

He rolls his head back and forth, attempting to relieve an ache in his neck, but his attention remains on the feeding animals, and Daisy, who is currently digging around in the corner of the barn. He knows he should probably go and check that she’s not eating something that could be possibly harmful to her, but just as the thought passes through his mind, she abandons whatever she was looking for and makes her way over to him, plopping down right over his left foot.
 
Without a second thought, Nick bends and scratches behind her ear. “You’re gonna get your breakfast as soon as these ladies are done, alright?” She shoots him a bored look and lays her head down on the ground. “Oi, no need to give me attitude this early in the morning, it’s not like I’m the one making sure you’re happy all day long,” he chuckles and straightens back up.
 
Just as Nick is about to get started on filling some buckets with water, his phone chimes in his pocket and he frowns, wondering who could possibly be texting him at this hour of the morning. Normally he doesn’t hear from his friends until 8am the earliest, since he is the only one with a job that requires him to get up before the sun even rises.

Back when he was living in London, he couldn’t even imagine getting up at 5am, let alone growing to love it, but back in London everything was different and Nick tries really really hard not to let this become one of those days where he does nothing but think about the past and what could have been. He’s gotten better at not dwelling about the past lately, but there’s still this hollow ache inside of his stomach that keeps screaming at him for being a coward and leaving it all behind. Even though deep down he knows it was for the best, the what if will probably be hanging over his head forever. 

Before he can spiral any further, he puts all of his attention towards his phone. 
 
Tara: Any chance Sarah is up for making her legendary breakfast? I could use it!
 
Upon seeing it’s Tara, he is even more confused than before, considering he knows she doesn’t open her clinic before 10am so she can get a good night’s rest. Between her job being so busy and Darcy running the pub into the late hours of the night, they usually try to have a good lie-in when they can. 
 
Nick: What the hell are you doing up so early, u sick???? 
 
Tara: Darcy called 2 hours ago, some pipes burst at the pub. Worst time of my life, it was a right freaking mess. I will tell you about it later. So… Sarah? 🥺
 
Nick: Please tell me everything, and yes, I guess I’ll be able to convince her, especially if I tell her it’s for her favourite girl.
 
Tara: Damn right I’m her favourite. Tell her it’s for her second favourite one too!
 
Nick: Me?
 
Tara: Of course not, Darcy is coming too after the hell of a morning she’s had.
 
Nick: Rude xx
 
His phone chimes again, but he ignores it, pretty sure that Tara has just sent him a stupid string of emojis and now that he knows they’re getting company, he wants to get done with his morning work sooner rather than later. He puts the phone back in his pocket in favour of getting on with it, so he can inform his mother about Tara and Darcy coming for breakfast.

As much as he tries to concentrate on work, he can’t stop his brain from trying to figure out how he can maybe help with what happened at the pub to make it easier on Darcy. Nick knows Tara said that they called a professional to help them, and he hopes it’s not going to be too expensive to fix it, otherwise they will have to come up with some kind of plan. There is no way he’s going to let his friends hang like that, even though it technically doesn’t have anything to do with him. 
 
Half an hour later, he finally opens the door to the main house, whistling for Daisy to make sure she realises what he’s doing and doesn’t get stuck outside in the cold weather. He takes off his cardigan and boots in the hall and makes his way to the kitchen, where his mum is already sitting at the table with her first cuppa of the day and her trusty iPad.
 
As soon as she sees him enter the room, a warm smile spreads across her face. “Good morning my darling,” she says as she lifts her cup up to take a sip. “Everything went alright, I guess?”
 
“Yeah, the cows are all fed for now. I noticed the barn is getting worse with everyday that passes, though,” he winces as he sees his mum’s smile fade. “I promise I will think of something. I always do, don’t I?” Nick tries to give her a reassuring smile, but he knows it’s probably not even half as convincing as he wants it to be.
 
Before even giving her the chance to reply, he continues. “Tara and Darcy are coming over for breakfast. Apparently, there was some issue at the pub, and they’ve been up for ages. Are you alright to make some breakfast? You know how much they love it, and I have a feeling they could use some good old motherly cheering up right now.”

“Of course.” Her eyes soften at the mention of the pair. “I hope everything’s alright. I’ll get started in a minute, just let me finish my cuppa.”
 
“They said they will tell us later, but I assume the fact that they’re coming over means they've done all they can,” Nick adds before making his way up the stairs and into his part of the house, to get a fresh set of clothes and take a quick shower. 
 
When he gets to his room, his eyes land on the photo on his nightstand and a sigh escapes his lips. He realises it has been almost two years since his stepdad died, but at the same time it feels like it was just yesterday. The pain and grief are still as fresh as they were right after it happened and he knows his mother feels the same, if not worse. Sarah tries not to show him her pain, but he can see it in the way she carries herself through the day. He also knows that their bedroom still holds some of the clothes he wore the most and even though their bedrooms are pretty far apart from each other, he knows that she still doesn’t sleep through every night.
 
Being aware of the fact that all of this is part of a completely natural grieving process doesn’t make it easier for him to see his mum like that. Robin has left such a big hole in their lives that no one will ever be able to fill, but on the other hand he knows his mother will forever be grateful to have found someone so wonderful after getting divorced from his dad, Stéphane. 
 
Shaking his head, he realises he has to get a move on if he wants to get changed and shower before Tara and Darcy show up, so he grabs a fresh set of clothes and makes his way into his bathroom to get the shower started. Living in a farmhouse may have its perks, but the water taking ages to get to a bearable temperature is definitely not one of them.
 
Half an hour later, he re-enters the kitchen just as there’s a loud knock on the door, followed by a cackle that is undoubtedly Darcy’s. Nick shakes his head and joins his mother at the stove, eager to help and knowing that Tara and Darcy are definitely aware that the door is always open and they’re welcome to come and go as they please.
 
When the door finally does open a few seconds later, it’s immediately followed by a dramatic huff from Darcy as she plops down at the kitchen table, Tara right by her side. “I don’t know about you, Tara, but when someone knocks on my door, I would be inclined to politely invite them in, wouldn’t you?” Darcy asks. 

Even before Tara has the chance to try to answer, Sarah chimes in. “Darcy, you know I love you, but if you were even half as dramatic as you actually are, it would do everyone some good.”
 
Darcy fake gasps and puts her hand on her heart. “You wound me, Sarah! And here I thought you would be happy to see me and Tara after we just had the worst experience ever!” Darcy tries not to let her laughter show, but she’s doing a very poor job of it.
 
Instead of replying, Sarah just gets out the plates and starts arranging the breakfast on it, while Nick makes his way over to the kettle to get some hot water for their tea.
 
“I know you’re dying to finally tell us what happened, so go on love,” Sarah says as she places their plates in front of Tara and Darcy and takes a seat at the head of the table. “Also, you know I am always the happiest when you two come over so don’t even start,” she laughs.
 
“Long story short, a pipe burst in the pub last night and I only noticed because the supplier came over at four this morning to deliver some stuff. Which, by the way, 4am? I don’t know who told him that time of the day was a good idea,” Darcy says while stabbing her eggs with her fork. “Anyway, I’m happy about it cause as soon as I entered the kitchen, I noticed the massive puddle on the floor and immediately called Tara to come over and help me. Took me twenty minutes to get a hold of her!”
 
Tara huffs and rolls her eyes. “Why you called me, a vet, to help you with your burst pipes is still a mystery to me anyway.”
 
“Because you’re the love of my life, you dumbass,” Darcy argues and now it is Nick’s turn to fake gasp. “Hey! I thought I was the love of your life!”
 
“You know I love you darling, but you’ve got a dick and I don’t particularly like those. Sorry Sarah,” Darcy shoots his mum a sheepish look who just shakes her head fondly. “And I didn’t call you because I knew you’d have to get up to feed the cows anyway,” Nick starts pouting at Darcy, but she is too engrossed watching her wife trying to eat her breakfast. 
 
“So, you got it sorted, then?” Nick asks while putting the tea bags in the cups and pouring the hot water over them.  
 
“Well, no. Turned off the water and called the plumber. There’s not really anything else we could have done, to be honest,” Darcy shrugs and accepts her cuppa from Nick.
 
“Tara made it sound like you two nearly died or something. With her saying she had the worst morning of her life,” Nick laughs.
 
Finally, Tara realises she’s being talked about. “It was a traumatic experience, okay?” She mumbles. “I’m just glad it gave us an excuse to come over for breakfast.”
 
“As if you’d ever need one,” Sarah says and pats the top of Tara’s hand lovingly.

🐄

Nick is finishing up collecting the eggs from his chickens when he hears the car pull up the driveway.
 
At first he doesn’t bother checking who it is, because the person will either know how to find him, or is coming to visit his mum anyway. When he is done, he picks up his basket, makes sure the chickens still have enough food and water to last them until tomorrow and gently exits the coop in order to not disturb them any further. 
 
As soon as he steps back into the fresh air, his eyes land on the red Porsche parked way too close to the house and he frowns, wondering what a person with a car like that could want from them. His eyes glide over to the front door and his stomach swoops uncomfortably when he spies a man in a black suit talking animatedly to his mother, who doesn’t look too happy about the unexpected guest.
 
Not feeling quite brave enough to face whatever this is alone, he whistles for Daisy to follow him and starts making his way over to his mum and the stranger to see what the whole thing is about. As he’s getting closer, he hears the man’s voice, and it definitely does not sound friendly.
 
“I’ve already told you ma’am, I am not going to leave until I speak to your son,” the curly haired man states sternly, which causes Sarah to roll her eyes at him. 

“Well, maybe he doesn’t want to speak to you, how about that?” she challenges him.

Nick has no idea what they are talking about, but if the way the man is speaking to his mum is anything to go by, he’s not going to like him that much. 

Just as he is about to make his presence known, the stranger moves one inch to the right and Nick is able to see his face, stopping dead in his tracks. He feels like he has been hit in the head with something, unable to stop staring at what must be the hottest man he’s ever seen in his life. His black curls are styled artfully, framing his face perfectly and Nick can’t stop staring at the way his jawline moves while he talks. There’s a tiny silver hoop earring peeking out from under the man’s hair and it makes him swallow; until now he wasn’t aware that he’s into something like that. 

Nick starts to let his gaze wander over the rest of the stranger’s body, but suddenly he is brought back to reality by his mother letting out an appalled noise and he decides it’s time for him to push his attraction aside and figure out what is even happening.
 
“Listen-,” the man starts, but Nick takes this as his cue to make his presence known and promptly cuts him off. 

“You’re looking for me?”
 
The man swiftly turns around and fixes him with a glare. “Yes,” he clears his throat. “As I have told your mother, I need to take a look at your farm. And especially at your finances. You haven’t paid back any of your loan in almost a year now, we need to take a look at what we can take from you, or even the whole… thing, if necessary.” The man lets his gaze wander over the barns and its surrounding fences, unable to hide the distaste on his face.
 
“Wait, loan?” Nick’s mind immediately starts spiralling, he didn’t even know there was a loan to pay off, neither Robin nor his mum had ever talked about it. He pleadingly looks at her, hoping that she will be able to clear up the misunderstanding and wave the stranger off, but all he’s met with is an apologetic look on her face. Suddenly reality starts to settle in. “Shit,” he mumbles while trying not to burst into tears. The last thing he needs right now is to lose his cool in front of the person who wants to take their whole livelihood away. He needs to get himself together and show the man that their farm is worth way more than them trying to sell it off to some stranger that’s probably going to turn it into some amusement park or some weird shit like that.  
 
“Yeah, okay…yeah,” Nick tries to get out before clearing his throat. “Okay yeah, no… no problem,” he hesitates. “Where do you want to start?” Nick starts turning around before thinking the better of it and moves to offer the man his hand. “Nick, my name’s Nick by the way. And you are?”
 
The man in front of him still hasn’t shown an ounce of emotion since the whole thing started. “I know very well who you are. My name is Charlie Spring,” he states and reaches over to give Nick a firm handshake. “We best start assessing the situation by showing me what we’re working with. The buildings and the animals and such. And of course, your finances. I have to know how badly you’ve fucked this whole thing up.”
 
“If you’re already going to ruin our lives, you don’t have to be this mean about it, you know?” Nick regrets the sentence as soon as it’s out of his mouth, but there’s nothing he can do about it now. At least this Charlie Spring person is going to be aware of the fact that he and his mum are not going to go down without a fight. He will do whatever it takes to keep their home.
 
“Mister Nelson, I’m gonna be completely honest with you and tell you that I don’t give a flying fuck about your feelings,” he fixes Nick with a glare. “It is certainly not my fault that you were not able to run this business properly, or otherwise you wouldn’t be in this situation right now. Let’s start before I lose my patience or I’m gonna tell the bank the foreclosure is going to go ahead without me even looking at the situation we have here.”
 
Sarah makes a sound that sounds suspiciously like a sob, but Nick doesn’t dare to look in her direction, afraid that if he does, he really will lose his shit and just start crying with her. “Let’s go then.”
 
Ten minutes later, after Charlie has already declined looking at the chicken coop or the shed, Nick starts to get frustrated with the man in front of him. “What’s the point of me showing you around if you don’t wanna see anything and have made up your mind already anyway?”
 
For the first time since he showed up, a hint of a smile appears on Charlie’s face but instead of giving Nick a glimmer of hope, all it does is make him worry even more. “I didn’t think you would be this observant, Mister Nelson,” he smirks. “But yes, of course I have already made up my mind. I have done my research after all, don’t underestimate me. I just think it’s funny to watch you try to convince me that this farm is worth more than a few hundred pounds at most.”
 
Nick’s stomach drops and he honestly doesn’t understand how someone can be that cruel. How does this Charlie person not feel one ounce of sympathy for their situation? Before he can even think about it properly, his mouth is working faster than his brain. “Why don’t you fuck off then?”
 
There’s a beat of silence between them and then suddenly Charlie starts to smirk. “Do you really want me to?” 
 
Before Nick can give his confirmation, he halts. If he tells this guy to leave right now there’s not even a glimmer of hope to save their farm, but if he manages to show him at least one little thing that makes it worth his while, he might be able to bargain with him. “Come on then,” is all he says while walking into the barn’s direction without bothering to look if Charlie is coming to follow him.
 
As soon as they enter the barn, he can hear Charlie stopping dead in his tracks and Nick turns around to see the other man staring at him completely horrified. “Yeah, I don’t think I need to see this,” Charlie states and starts turning around, but before he has the chance to do so, Nick grabs his arm to keep him in place. 

“What is your fucking problem?” Nick asks.
 
“What’s my problem? Mate, you can’t tell me that you don’t feel like throwing up every time you come in here.” Charlie starts pulling his dress shirt over his nose to block some of the smell, which makes Nick roll his eyes. 

“I don’t know why I even expected such a posh wanker like you to know how to behave properly,” he fixes Charlie with a glare, but the man says nothing in return. “Well, anyway, these are my babies. Dottie, the oldest one is already eight years old and very fragile, but I love her more than anything else.” Nick gestures to the black and white cow standing in the far-left corner at the end of the row. “The other ones are around two to six years old, give or take.”
 
Charlie rolls his eyes at him. “Yeah, I think we can leave now.”
 
“What why?” Nick asks. “You haven’t even touched one yet. How can you know how precious they are if you don’t even wanna engage with them?” He knows he’s just being annoying right now, but that’s exactly what he plans on doing. If Charlie can be mean to him, two can play this game of trying to piss each other off as much as possible until one of them cracks. 
 
Charlie snorts and starts shaking his head. “Yeah, right. No fucking way, lad.”
 
“I’m not surprised,” Nick only nods before starting to make his way out the barn, but this time it’s Charlie who grabs his arm to stop him from going anywhere. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What it means is that all you probably care about is your car and the amount of money you have in your bank account. When was the last time you’ve spoken to your mum, huh?” He pauses to give Charlie a chance to answer, but the other man just stares at him blankly. “Thought so. I really am not surprised at all that you refuse to even give me a chance, let alone touch some stupidly adorable animals. You’re really not as hard to read as you’d like to be.”
 
Nick knows it was probably a low blow to attack him like that, especially because he hasn’t even known him for more than fifteen minutes, but he really can’t bring himself to care at the moment. This is the man who wants to take his entire life away, who wants to ruin him within a second and then go on with his own life like nothing happened. For him this is just another little stupid job he has to do, probably almost like a game. But for Nick this is what he lives for, what gives him a reason to get up each day. 

“I’m sorry, it-” Nick starts, but it’s like his words cause Charlie to finally snap out of his own thoughts. 

“Save it, I don’t care about what you think of me,” Charlie snaps and makes his way out the door, not even bothering to check what Nick is doing. 
 
There’s an unbearable silence between them when Nick joins Charlie outside the barn, but he doesn’t know what he could say to make it better, so he opts to stay silent. Slowly, he starts making his way into the house to lead the other man into the office, in order to finally show him the worst part of this whole operation: their finances. He knows it’s bad, there’s no sugar coating it, but up until this morning he thought they had enough time to get things back on track. But with a loan looming over their heads and no way to pay it back, things are looking more than dire. 

If Charlie would be just a bit more accommodating, they probably would be able to work something out, but he knows every glimmer of hope went out the window as soon as Nick started insulting him.
 
He opens the door to the office and motions for Charlie to go through before moving to sit behind his desk. He bends down, opening one of the drawers closest to him and brings out a huge binder which includes most of their outcomes, bills and the very few incomes they have. He looks at Charlie questioningly, not knowing where to start. “So?”
 
“Just give me the whole thing. If the state of this room is anything to go by, the binder won’t be much better, I guess,” Charlie says and sits down at the opposite end of the table.
 
Reluctantly, Nick hands the binder over and watches as the other man starts flipping through it, stopping here and there to look at certain pages more thoroughly before he gets on with it. He’s not taking any notes and his face is as unreadable as ever, so Nick can’t decide how bad the situation really is, but he figures it can’t be good if there’s not even a hint of a smile on the other man’s face. Not that Charlie had shown him even a hint of a smile in the past thirty minutes he has known him, but the more time passes the more Nick feels like he might throw up all over his desk. 

The whole time they are sitting there, Nick doesn’t know what to do. He contemplates if it would be impolite to get out his phone and text Tara about what’s happening, eager to get to talk to someone about this whole shit show, but decides against it in order to not be distracted when Charlie decides to speak to him again.
 
After ten more minutes spent in silence, Charlie finally clears his throat and looks at Nick expectantly, “I don’t have to tell you how bad it is, do I?” He asks and Nick can only shake his head no. “Do you have any other forms of income maybe? A part time job or little shop where you sell products from the farm?” Nick shakes his head no again and looks down, unable to look at the judgement in Charlie’s eyes any longer.

“Well, I thought so. I’m afraid that there’s nothing I can do but to let the bank know that they can initiate the sale of the property and everything that’s on it. That includes the farmhouse, all the barns and the animals also.”
 
“The animals? What?!” Nick feels like someone slapped him right across the face. Just when he thought it couldn’t get worse than losing his own home, he will now lose his pride and joy too. “What about Daisy? You can’t do that, it’s not fair!”
 
“I’m sorry Mister Nelson, there’s nothing I can do.” Charlie gets up and offers to shake Nick’s hand, but he is still in too much of a shock to do anything at all, let alone get his hands to move. 
 
Charlie clears his throat and starts walking out the door. “Okay, well. I’m going to get going then. It was nice to meet you.”
 
For a second Nick doesn’t even register Charlie’s words, but when they sink in, he finally breaks out of his trance and jumps out of his seat to hurry along behind him. “Nice to meet me? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Do you love running around ruining other people’s lives? Huh? Do you get off on that, Mister Spring?”
 
By now, Charlie has already reached his car and opened the door to get inside, but he stops dead in his tracks at Nick’s words. “You’re a fool. There is nothing I can do. If there’s someone you can be mad at, it's yourself. Or maybe your stepdad? Isn’t he the one who got you into this whole mess in the first place?” The smirk on his face proves that Charlie knows exactly what kind of impact his words are going to have on Nick, and even worse he seems to be enjoying it too. 
 
“Don’t you fucking dare talk about my stepdad! It’s none of your damn business!” Nick shouts while trying to get closer to the car, but Charlie has already gotten inside and started the engine in the meantime.
 
Without saying anything else, Charlie drives off and all Nick can do is stare at him leaving. 

His thoughts start to spiral. How is he supposed to tell his mum? His friends? Where are they supposed to live if their own home is going to be taken away from them? Who is going to get the animals, and what if they treat them badly? 

There are a few seconds in-between, where Nick feels like he’s going to have a panic attack right there and then, but before anything can happen, he suddenly spots one of his chickens happily trying to cross the road, unaware of the Porsche driving in its direction. A laugh suddenly forces its way out of his throat, and he feels almost delirious watching one of his chickens trying to stand in the way of the one thing that is able to take away everything he and his mum have worked for. It feels eerily like when Nick tried to stand in Charlie’s way, feeling so small and incapable even though he probably could have physically overpowered the other man easily. 

Nick feels like a maniac, looking at the person who has his whole life in his hands driving away while laughing his ass off.
 
But suddenly the laugh gets stuck in his throat as he watches Charlie steadily drive towards the chicken, seemingly unaware of its presence just a few feet away. Nick doesn’t know what to do, should he start running behind the car to make Charlie aware of what’s going on? But wouldn’t that distract him and minimise the chance of him noticing the chicken even further? 

Before he can make a choice, he sees that, with only a few seconds to spare, Charlie finally realises what’s happening and he tries to dodge the chicken, swerving the car to the right and therefore only nearly missing it. Nick breathes a sigh of relief, but suddenly he hears Charlie’s car losing control and slamming right into a tractor that has been parked nearby along the road.
 
“Fuck!” Nick curses and for a moment he’s stuck again, not knowing what to do. Shaking himself out of his stupor, he starts running towards the car in order to make sure Charlie is alright. As soon as he arrives Nick notices that the hood of the car has definitely seen better days and Charlie’s head has slammed against the steering wheel. He curses again as he opens the door and notices that Charlie is definitely unconscious and there’s some blood running down the side of his head. 

“Fuck, shit, fuck fuck!” He checks Charlie’s pulse, relieved to feel that his heart is still beating steadily, and he moves to get his phone out and call an ambulance. But before he can begin typing, his mum is next to him and snatches his phone out of his hand.
 
“Are you crazy?” Sarah asks and Nick just stares at her blankly, his heart racing like he’s just run a marathon. “Do you know what will happen if he wakes up in the hospital? He will sue us for everything we have. And then we will have even less than we have now, it’s going to kill us Nick, do you understand?” There are tears in Sarah’s eyes and Nick wants nothing more than to hug her, but his head is a mess and he thinks he has never felt this torn and confused before. 
 
He knows that what she’s saying makes sense, but he can’t wrap his head around just leaving him there. Surely, leaving the other man to die would be even worse than losing their home. “What are we supposed to do, then?” The longer he stares at Charlie’s lifeless form, the more he feels like throwing up. “We can’t just leave him here! People are gonna see, he could die, mum!”
 
“He’s not going to die, look at him, he’s breathing steadily so everything is fine right now. Now help me get him into the house, he’s gonna have a hell of a headache when he wakes up,” Sarah says, but Nick still feels unable to move.

She sighs. “I’m going to call Clara and make sure she takes a look at him as soon as we’ve gotten him inside, okay?” After what feels like a lifetime, Nick finally nods and goes to grab Charlie under his armpits so they can carry him inside. 

🐄

It’s been three hours since Nick and his mum brought Charlie inside the house and to Nick’s bedroom. After having cleaned his wounds, his mum called her friend who was a retired nurse to come and have a look at Charlie and make sure that he’s doing good, considering the circumstances. She did a few checks that Nick had absolutely no clue about, but she reassured him that he was breathing properly, his pulse was stable and that the wound on his head didn’t need any stitches.

Nick isn’t sure what his mum had said to her, or if she even explained the whole thing, but just before Clara left to go back home, she had promised Nick not to say anything and that she was going to pretend like she had never seen Charlie before. 

It had been over two hours since then and the whole time Nick had been sitting beside the bed to make sure that Charlie was still breathing properly, but as the time went on and he still hadn’t woken up, hadn’t even moved an inch, Nick had called Tara to come over. 

“What exactly am I supposed to look at?” Tara asks while staring at Charlie, who is lying on Nick’s bed. If you didn't know what happened, you’d probably think he’s just sleeping peacefully, but to Nick it felt like looking at his worst nightmare.
 
“I don’t know! You are the doctor, not me!” Nick makes a pleading noise which causes Tara to roll her eyes at him. 
 
“You know I’m a vet! What’s in front of me is definitely not an animal, Nick.”
 
“Oh my god, I know… what are we supposed to do Tara, what if we call an ambulance after all?” Nick says, clearly desperate to do something because he can’t stand seeing Charlie like that. No matter how mean the other man was to him, he just feels awful for what had happened.

He thinks about what would happen if they actually did call an ambulance, would the police believe him if he told them it was all an accident? He wouldn’t be lying, the chicken crossing the road definitely wasn’t Nick’s fault, but wouldn’t it be suspicious if the man who was about to take his livelihood away suddenly had an accident while still in Nick’s driveway? He was only twenty eight years old, he was definitely way too young to go to jail.  
 
“You know Clara said he will be alright, you just need to-” Tara starts, but suddenly they are both interrupted by Charlie making a painful sound from the bed. 

“Oh my god, is he going to wake up?” Nick instantly moves to his side, not daring to touch him but still wanting to be near in case something happens.
 
Silence envelops them as they keep staring at Charlie, willing him to do or say something.
 
Seconds, that feel more like hours, pass until Charlie starts moving again and this time they can see his eyelids flutter. Nick holds his breath as the other man opens his eyes and he doesn’t know what to do. Will Charlie scream at them? Will he be in pain? How are they supposed to explain this whole mess to him?
 
“Who are you?” Is probably the last sentence Nick had expected to come out of Charlie’s mouth, so he just keeps staring at him. He doesn’t know what to say, maybe Charlie is just taking the piss because he’s still angry at Nick. 

“Do you want anything to drink?” Is what Nick says instead. But Charlie just keeps staring at him blankly, not moving a muscle, only his eyes are surveying the room as he’s trying to understand where he is. 
 
“I’m Nick, Nick Nelson. Uh, are you okay? How do you feel?”
 
“My head fucking hurts. Where am I? What day is it?” Charlie asks and tries to move, which just causes him to wince in pain and lay his head back down. 
 
“You’re at our...farm,” Nick winces. “It’s Tuesday, September 13th.”
 
Charlie looks at him pleadingly. “What year?”
 
“Excuse me? Uhm …  2023?” Now Nick feels like Charlie is definitely just taking the piss and making fun of him. 
 
“What the fuck?” Charlie tries to sit up, but Tara is quick to stop him. “Don’t, you probably have a concussion, it’s best that you keep lying down until we know for sure. You have been out for three hours, that’s not something to treat lightly.” 
 
“And who are you? Wait, never mind… who am I?!” At Charlie’s words, Nick’s world starts turning upside down. There is no way he just heard him right. If Charlie doesn’t know who he is, he probably also doesn’t remember that he was about to take their farm away, but if he doesn’t know who he is, he also probably doesn’t remember anything else about his life so what are they supposed to do with him? They can’t just explain what happened, because that will just put them back to square one and he will sue the shit out of them after all.
 
“Your name is Charlie S-” Nick starts, but Tara suddenly steps on his foot in order to shut him up. “Your name is Charlie. You’re Nick’s fiancé over here.” Tara says.

Chapter Text

-

Until I'm left to myself, it's honestly kind of funny how every voice in my head is trying its best to haunt me.

-

Tara points a thumb into Nick’s direction and tries to give Charlie a reassuring smile. “You had a little accident with one of your lovely chickens. It caused you to hit your head quite hard so I think there might be some memory loss, hopefully only temporarily?”

Nick can’t even concentrate on her words because he genuinely feels like he’s about to lose his mind. Why the fuck did Tara say that?

His eyes keep darting between Tara and Charlie, who looks like he has no idea what’s going on. Instead of trying to calm him down, he motions for Tara to leave the room so they can talk about what the fuck just happened. “Yeah, right, see you later!” is all Nick can bring himself to say before shoving Tara out of the room and firmly shutting the door behind them.

The door is barely closed when he explodes. “What the fuck, Tara? What did you think? How is this going to help the situation in ANY way? Oh my god, I feel like I am gonna lose my mind. How are we supposed to get out of this? You’re out to ruin my life, aren’t you?” Nick is trying so hard to keep his voice down, definitely not wanting Charlie to hear anything, but his anxiety is rising second by second. 

Nick finally gets to look at Tara properly, and to his utter surprise there’s a smirk on her face. “Nick, darling, love, relax. I came up with the best plan ever, it’s so damn good you’re going to want to kiss the ground I walk on!” She gives Nick time to say something, but he just keeps on staring at her, daring her to say what she wants to say. 

“Think about it, he doesn’t remember a single thing, this is the best thing that could have ever happened to you. It’s genius, you and Sarah are going to make him feel right at home and show him the best time he’s ever had and if he never remembers anything about his old life then that’s it and you are going to live happily ever after. If, at some point, he does remember something, he’s going to be so buttered up by you two that he won’t want anything to do with his old life anyway. It’s foolproof!”

“What the fuck, Tara. How did you come up with this?”

Without missing a beat, Tara starts laughing. “I am married to Darcy, did you really think her ideas never rub off on me?”

“How are we supposed to pull this off? Everyone in town knows that I am definitely not in a relationship, let alone engaged. As soon as someone sees him — or even worse, sees us together — they’re gonna start asking questions!” Nick grits his teeth, trying to get Tara to understand what a shit plan this is. “You know I have the worst poker face on earth.” 

“Easy,” Tara shrugs, “We just gotta keep him away from everyone else.”

“Yeah, like that’s gonna be something that’s easy to handle. You know I’m always in town with the pub and the market and everything else I’m helping people with, how am I supposed to convince Charlie that my own fucking fiancé never accompanies me to any of those things?”

Suddenly, Sarah appears from one of the other rooms and puts her arm around Nick’s shoulders. “Then I am going to keep him busy, dear.”

“You’re on board with this whole thing?” Nick can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“I am,” Sarah says and gives him a reassuring smile.

🐄

“Darcy was here to bring over, uh, something for the cows?” Sarah says as she enters the living room, surveying where Charlie sits on the sofa in Nick’s purple bathrobe. He was complaining for a bit when Nick told him to put it on, but they couldn’t put him in his old clothes, nor in Nick’s, so they had to find a way to tie him over until Darcy was able to bring over something from the charity shop next to the pub that would hopefully fit Charlie. 

“Oh yeah, she can just put it in my closet?” Nick tries not to wince while he says it, knowing that it doesn’t make any sense in that context, but he hopes that Charlie won’t notice, or that if he does he won’t call him out on it. 

When Nick looks over at Charlie, he is staring blankly at the wall. “So, uh, how long have we been engaged for?” 

“Oh, two weeks actually, it was all pretty quick. That’s why you also don’t have a ring yet.” Nick knows as soon as the words leave his mouth that he couldn’t sound more unsure of himself, but he can’t backtrack now.   

A warm smile washes over Charlie’s face, the first genuine one he has seen ever since the man stepped foot on their property, and it makes Nick feel happy and sad at the same time. “Can you tell me a bit about us?” Charlie murmurs.

“Us?” Nick panics. “I don’t know what to tell, there’s not a lot to tell… uhm, we were together and then just got engaged.. I guess.”

“Just engaged? Well, don’t sound so enthusiastic about it, Nicholas. Have I not been a good boyfriend to you?” Charlie’s tone is playful, and it causes Nick to blush. 

“Don’t call me Nicholas, only my dad does that and he’s… well, he’s out of the picture.”

“Well then, just Nick. Tell me everything. How did we meet? When did I move in? Who proposed to who? Any family plans?” As soon as he says the word family, a glint appears in his eyes that makes Nick’s stomach swoop.

“We met through mutual friends actually, Tara and Darcy,” Nick’s going to have to make sure to tell them about it before they meet properly, but at least now he’s not alone in this mess. “You and Darcy met in London, she was working at a dingy pub, you were an accountant back then. You were actually being stood up on a date at that pub??” Charlie quirks an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah, right! And then Tara and Darcy met on this dating website. Isaac and me, another friend of ours, actually signed Tara up for it without her knowing. And the rest is history. Darcy first moved here for Tara, who’s the local vet you met earlier, and when you visited Darcy that’s when you and I met and… well, yeah.” He hesitates, not really knowing how to navigate the next part. “I guess we just fell in love.” 

Nick’s face starts to heat up and if the look on Charlie’s face is anything to go by, he definitely notices. 

“Yeah! Uh.. you actually still lived in London until like last week and usually it was me who visited you, not the other way around since your finance job kept you pretty busy… That’s also why none of your stuff is here yet, it’s still all being shipped.” Nick nods to himself, kind of proud of himself for pulling a story like this out of his ass within minutes. “Yeah, you quit your job on a whim, because you hated it and I hated how sad it made you. We wanted to move in together anyway, but we couldn’t really decide where so this made the decision pretty easy for us… and no family, no. No kids or anything like that.” Nick blushes again and does his best not to look into Charlie’s direction, afraid that if he does so the other man will call him out on his blatant lies.

“That sounds nice actually, but everything probably happened way faster than we intended it to?”

“Yeah!”

“Cool,” Charlie hesitates. “So… what do I actually do around here?”

Nick can feel a headache coming on from all the lying he has to do. “I mean, you haven’t been here long so we haven’t really established a routine yet but I guess you, like, chop some wood, milk the cows, help me feed the chickens. And you do the washing up!”

“Not the finances, like the obvious thing here?” Charlie asks hesitantly.

“No!” At Nick’s outburst, even Daisy, who’s been lying in the corner of the room the whole time, raises her head to look at him expectantly. “No, never.” He fears that if Charlie even attempts to look at the documents he could maybe remember his old life, or something else about the whole thing that had gone down between them. And until Nick has figured out a solid plan for what to do if that ever happens, he has to do everything he can to stop Charlie from remembering anything.

Nick knows that even if Charlie never finds out the truth about his past, he will not be able to hold up this charade forever. There is going to be a point where he is gonna realise that Nick has been lying to him the whole time, and it is not going to be pretty. Additionally, there’s still the aspect of Charlie’s family: if he is still in touch with them and if so, are they going to notice that he’s gone and has not contacted them in weeks, or are they not going to think anything of it? Certainly, there will come a time when someone from his past life is going to notice that he has gone missing and it’s just a matter of time until they will get found out. 

Right?

“Okay, okay,” Charlie interrupts his spiralling thoughts. “One last question though. When can I meet the rest of the squad?”

🐄

Isaac keeps staring at Nick and Nick feels like if he doesn’t say anything soon he might explode, or worse, start crying again. He can’t believe that it is actually still the same day, not even 7pm yet, because he feels like he’s living a completely different life than the one he had just mere hours ago. 

How did he end up with a fake fiancé, that does not even know who he is, within the span of eight hours? 

Nick hasn’t had even one single second to himself ever since Charlie crashed into that tractor and literally turned his life upside down. Even now, when he would normally be getting ready to go to bed and watch some Netflix with Daisy, he is sitting on his living room floor in front of Isaac while Tara and Darcy are in the kitchen arguing with Charlie, trying to figure out what food he likes and dislikes. Earlier, when Charlie asked Nick what his favourite food was, Nick couldn’t come up with a single thing and literally just left the room.

If this situation was real, and the actual love of his life had suffered some form of memory loss, essentially forgetting everything, he would be trying everything under the sun to help him get back his memories, but at the moment Nick can’t stop thinking about how Charlie probably thinks he’s a lousy fiancé and is planning on breaking off the engagement within the next week or so. 

His thoughts are interrupted by Charlie sitting down next to him and knocking their knees together. The little motion sends a slight shiver down Nick’s spine, but he has no capacity to even start dissecting that right now, so he adds it to the mental stack of problems he has to figure out later. Way later, probably.

“How are you not freaking out right now?” At first, Nick doesn’t realise who Isaac is talking to, but the other man is pointing his book at Charlie and Nick heaves a sigh of relief, definitely not feeling ready to talk about what’s going on in his head.

Charlie just laughs and shrugs his shoulders, “I don’t know, I mean, should I be freaking out? I know this is weird, but I don’t feel uncomfortable or anything. I feel like I belong here.” He reaches over to grab Nick’s hand, but Nick’s first instinct is to flinch away and look the other way. He doesn’t see the flash of hurt cross Charlie’s face, but he knows it’s there. “Anyway, yeah. Probably best to just take it day by day and see if I get my memories back. Don’t know what else I should be doing, to be honest.”

“Maybe Nick just needs to remind you of why you fell in love with him in the first place!” Darcy giggles from the doorway and raises her eyebrows suggestively at the two of them while making a bunch of obscene gestures with her hands. 

“Darcy!” Tara shoots her a stern look, “Excuse her, she has no manners.” Tara goes on to explain more about memory loss, but Nick completely tunes out his surroundings. 

Is Charlie expecting to have sex? Today? It’s not the prospect of sex in general that is making him want to cry, he’s a young and out bisexual man who’s very familiar with what he likes and dislikes, thank you very much, but he’s known Charlie for less than a day and he’s spent 99% of that time lying to him. And he’s lying to him in probably one of the worst ways ever. Charlie thinks they are engaged for god’s sake and Nick doesn’t even know his favourite food, let alone what side of the bed he prefers to sleep on! 

Nick isn’t even going to start lying to himself by pretending like Charlie isn’t one of the most attractive men he’s ever laid his eyes on, but he has to focus on what’s important here. He has to save his and his mother’s home, he has to make an actual plan on how to pay the bank back and how to handle Charlie as soon as he realises he’s been lied to for weeks or even months. The last thing he needs is starting to fantasise about all the things he’d like to do to Charlie in their bed. It’s not even their bed, for god’s sake. 

Suddenly, Charlie’s shoulder knocks against Nick’s and he looks at the curly haired man, noticing not for the first time how extremely blue his eyes are. “Sorry, zoned out,” Nick says “What did you say?” 

“Tara said that we have to go back to our established routine in order to have a chance at getting my memories back. If I do the things I always do, then it might trigger something that can flip the switch that got fucked up in my brain.” 

“As I said, this also includes things in the bedr-” Darcy starts, but Tara finally puts her hand over her wife’s mouth and shakes her head. “No. Charlie literally suffered a major head injury. I know I’m just a vet, but even I know he needs to let his head rest otherwise things might get worse, not better.”

Nick knows Tara isn’t only saying that for his benefit, but he still shots her an entirely grateful smile. “Yeah, that’s why I’m sleeping on the sofa.” 

“You’re what?” Charlie is full on frowning now. “You know I’m not expecting us to have sex, I don’t even know if I remember how to do that to be completely honest. But you’re being absolutely ridiculous, you are my fiancé! You are not sleeping on the sofa, why would you even suggest that?” 

“I … I, uh, I just don’t want you to feel uncomfortable? I’m a literal stranger to you.” If Charlie knew how true that statement really is, he would probably be all the way back in London by now. 

“A handsome stranger though.” Charlie plants a kiss on Nick’s cheek and giggles. “If you think I don’t want to at least cuddle with my fit as fuck fiancé, you’re severely mistaken. I might have amnesia, but I’m not blind or dumb.” 

Nick feels an unmistakable blush spread across his face, made even worse by the fact that he has one of the lightest complexions known to mankind, and while it feels amazing to know that Charlie thinks he’s handsome, he also feels like he might throw up any second now. So, he says nothing and looks at his friends pleadingly, willing at least one of them to say something to take the attention off him. 

“Well, don’t let me stop you guys, but I need to get some sleep because I feel like my head is killing me and I don’t want to make a shit situation even worse.” Charlie gets up and shoots a genuine smile at Nick. “I can find my way to the bathroom, don’t worry, but if I wake up in the middle of the night and you are on the sofa, we might have to rethink this whole engagement thing darling, even though we are not even married yet!” Nick knows that Charlie means it as a way to lighten the mood, but the idea of having to explain to him that there is no breaking the engagement necessary, since they are never going to get married anyway, causes another wave of nausea to wash over him. 

“I’ll be right with you, I’m just gonna see these guys out.” 

Charlie waves at Isaac, Tara and Darcy and makes his way into the other part of the flat. For a few seconds nobody moves, then Tara puts her hand on Nick’s shoulder, and that’s what breaks the dam. Tears instantly start welling up in his eyes and as he tries to hide them from his friends, he realises it’s no use — they know him better than he knows himself sometimes. 

Tara’s arms are now gripping both of his shoulders, but instead of wrapping them around him like he expected her to, she tries to get him up off the floor and moving. “I know babe, you can cry in a second but let’s just move to the hall first so he won’t hear. Stressing him out even more isn’t going to do anyone any good. And you deserve to finally have a good cry.”

Flanked by Isaac and Darcy, Tara leads Nick the few steps outside of his living room and into the hall. As soon as Isaac shuts the door that separates the two rooms behind them, Nick crumbles, literally. He’s not sure if it’s a panic attack or if he’s just hyperventilating, but he can’t stop the tears from coming while simultaneously trying to get air into his lungs. He doesn’t even know what he’s really feeling, he’s in a place between feeling like the biggest asshole on earth, just wanting to protect his mother and wanting to just send Charlie away in hopes that it all goes away so he can wake up tomorrow and realise it was all just a bad dream and carry on with his life like normal. 

Isaac tries to talk to him, but all he can hear are his own sobs and if he’s being honest with himself, he knows nothing his friends are saying could fix the situation he’s in right now. He just wants the ground to open up beneath him and swallow him whole, so he doesn’t have to deal with all of the shit he’s in right now. With his head buried in Tara’s jumper, breathing is getting a bit too hard but he kind of doesn’t mind, thinking that if he passes out he might just not have to deal with anything that’s happening. 

But of course that’s not what happens, Darcy gently removes him from Tara’s embrace and starts cleaning his face with a wet wipe that she has conjured up from god knows where. “Shhh, Nick, we love you all so much, you know that right?”

Nick looks at her, still with tears brimming in his eyes, but at least he’s not full on sobbing anymore, and nods. “We are in this together okay. I know this is an awful situation but what’s done is done and we have to deal with it. You are not alone, you’ve got your mum and Isaac, Tara and me. Okay?” Nick nods again, still unable to conjure up anything that could resemble a smile. 

Isaac, who’s been standing behind him the whole time, pulls him in an embrace too and suddenly all four of them are huddled together. Nick takes a deep breath and lets his friends’ warmth wash over him, feeling better for a split second. 

Suddenly, Charlie’s voice rings out throughout the whole flat, breaking the spell Nick has been under. “So, Nick, I know we’re engaged and all, but for the love of god please tell me we’re not sharing a toothbrush?!”

Chapter Text

-

You know me so you know I'm feeling lonely 

I'm lonely right down in my heart.

-

The next morning, Nick wakes up before his alarm goes off, which means it’s not even 4:30am yet. He’s impressed that he had managed to get some sleep in the first place. With everything that had gone down yesterday he was sure he’d be up all night tossing and turning, but after he had argued with himself for an hour that he couldn’t not get into bed with Charlie, because sleeping on the sofa would be the most idiodic thing ever, he finally went into his bedroom, planning on just quietly slipping into bed and staying as far away from Charlie as possible.

But the other man had different plans, as soon as his subconsciousness felt Nick getting into bed, Charlie had attached himself to him and hasn’t let go since. They are currently pressed together from head to toe with Nick acting as the little spoon and Charlie being attached to his back with one leg thrown over Nick’s. In any other situation, Nick would be delighted to be waking up with another person in his bed, one who’s clearly incredibly comfortable with him, but in this moment he can’t help but feel extremely terrified by it. 

Charlie was peacefully snoring away next to him while Nick was close to throwing up again. 

He can’t recall the last time he has ever felt like this, especially with this intensity and so regularly within less than 24 hours. 

They didn’t close the curtains properly last night, Charlie probably just didn’t think of it and Nick was too terrified of the whole situation to notice, but now he can see that the sun is about to rise, which means his alarm will probably go off soon. Nick knows that he really doesn’t want to wake Charlie; if it were up to him, Charlie would be sleeping the entire day away so he could start coming up with a plan of how to handle this whole situation, but he knows that’s probably not going to happen. 

Too scared at the prospect of his alarm suddenly going off, he slowly starts untangling himself from Charlie as gently as he can,thanking the gods above that he’s probably still exhausted from yesterday and doesn’t wake up. Nick can’t stomach the idea of showering this close to Charlie, so he just grabs some fresh clothes and makes his way downstairs, planning on using his mum’s bathroom for some peace and quiet. 

As soon as his foot lands on the last step, he’s being greeted by the best sight he could ever wish for. Daisy is staring at him with her deep brown eyes, sticking her tongue out at him and wagging her tail happily. Instantly, his eyes fill with tears again and he gets on his knees next to her, hugging her to his body like his life depends on it. Nick buries his head in her fur and lets the tears run freely, knowing that she would never judge him for it. “I love you so much girl, I’m so glad you are here,” he whispers into her neck. 

Daisy gives him a quiet bark but otherwise stays surprisingly still, letting her warmth wash over him like a comforting blanket. 

Nick stays like this for a few more minutes until he feels a hand on his upper back. “Come on,” his mum says, “I made you a cup of tea.” 

He dreads having to talk to her, but only a few minutes later they’re both sitting at the dining table, staring at each other. Nick’s thinking about how he still hasn’t showered and probably looks like a right mess, but if he does his mum isn’t saying anything about it. She’s just staring at him, waiting to see if he wants to talk or not. But Nick doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know if there’s even anything to say. 

“Well, I’m gonna go feed the cows,” is what he finally gets out after even more silence passes between them. He motions to get up and his mother shoots him a look that clearly tells him that she doesn’t approve of his avoidance tactics. “We can talk about it later… maybe.” With that, he’s out the door. 

Stepping into the barn and seeing his girls is like a breath of fresh air, which sounds insane considering it always smells like cow shit in here, but he can’t stop a smile from spreading on his face. “Morning girls,” Nick whispers while methodically making his way down the line, giving each of them a quick scratch on the bridge of the nose and filling their water and food troughs. If he closes his eyes, it almost feels like yesterday never happened and he doesn’t have to worry about being thousands of pounds in debt, or losing his home, or the stranger in his bed who thinks he’s his goddamn fiancé . 

He looks around, searching for Daisy, but quickly realises that he must have left her back in the house. This somehow makes him feel even worse. How is he supposed to save their home when he can’t even look after his own dog? Objectively, he knows that comparison makes absolutely no sense, and that Daisy is safe and sound with his mum, but with what he’s going through at the moment, every little thing that goes wrong could be his tipping point. 

They can’t lose their home, it’s just not an option. Nick knows that it would break his heart, but he can’t even start to imagine what it would do to his mother. It would be like losing her husband all over again and even if he doesn’t want to admit it to himself, deep down he has a feeling that she might not survive another heartbreak like that.

He can’t give up and he can’t run away. Not again. 

Suddenly, Sprout moos very quietly and Nick immediately snaps his head to where she’s standing in the corner, looking at him with her big brown eyes. For a second he doesn’t move, but when she does it again tears immediately spring into his eyes and he quickly walks over to her. 

“Was that your first ever mooing, darling?” Nick’s voice is barely more than a whisper while he looks at her adoringly. Of course she doesn’t say anything back, but Nick could swear that he can see the answer in her eyes. He has tried to explain it to his friends countless times before, and none of them have ever been able to relate to it, but Nick swears that the eyes of a cow are one of the most expressive things he has ever seen. They tell you more than a thousand words could ever convey, and in this moment he sees nothing but compassion and love in Sprout’s. “I love you too, darling.” He places a quick kiss in between her eyes before wiping away his tears with the ends of his jumper. “I will do everything I can to keep you and the others safe. Nobody will take you from me, I promise.”  

Nick stays with her for a few more minutes, quietly talking to her and methodically rubbing the spot in between her eyes, but he knows he has to return to the house sooner rather than later. He should really take a shower and have breakfast with his mum, but he can’t bring himself to go back inside. What if Charlie is there? What are they even supposed to talk about? 

Considering they are supposed to be engaged, Charlie will definitely expect things to be more intimate between them than they were yesterday. He said it himself: maybe doing the things they normally do would bring back some memories. If only there were actual things they had done together. 

If he and Charlie had met under normal circumstances – maybe at Darcy’s bar while Charlie was just passing through the town – he’d have inevitably fallen in love with the other man hard and fast. He was exactly Nick’s type and he would have swept him off his feet in a heartbeat. In another life, Nick and Charlie might really be engaged and probably on their way to have kids. 

But he can’t afford to think like that; he can’t let himself fall for the other man. Not only would it not be fair to Charlie, it would also make everything even more complicated than it already is. His own love life really can’t be his priority right now.

Which means he needs to get Charlie’s dimples out of his head as fast as possible. 

Taking his phone out of his pocket, he checks it for the first time since the others left last night and he’s not surprised to see quite a few messages in their group chat.

Isaac: If you need me to come over Nick just say so, I don’t have a shift today and I can keep you both company. Maybe Charlie needs some book recommendations 👀

Darcy: Take him to the bar tomorrow night! If we get him drunk, maybe we will find out some more things about him!

Tara: Babe, the point is him not remembering anything

Tara: Also, nobody in town knows who Charlie is, Nick’s going to have the worst time of his life explaining who he is if he takes him to the busiest spot 

Darcy: You’re a spoilsport 😔

Nick: Sorry guys, didn’t check my phone anymore yesterday. And thank you Isaac, will let you know if I need you! 

Nick: And Darcy, I appreciate you but Tara is right, that probably also means you won’t see me at the pub for quite a while actually 🙃

Nick: Also woke up today with Charlie clinging to me, I think pretending we’re going to be engaged is not going to be that hard for him after all lmao

Nick’s about to put his phone away, figuring that since it’s not even 6am yet he won’t get an answer from any of them for a few more hours, but he’s surprised by a private message from Isaac coming through. 

Isaac: You know I usually want to believe in romance, but maybe don’t fall in love with him? 

Nick stares at the message, not knowing how to respond. Isaac has always been one of the most observant people out there, but to figure this out after not even twenty four hours is ridiculous, even for him. Nick locks his phone and puts it back in his pocket, deciding that he doesn’t have to respond because it’s not even true anyway. 

He knows he won’t fall in love with Charlie, it’s ridiculous to even entertain the idea of it if he’s being honest with himself. The guy literally showed up and wanted to take his livelihood away and even if the amnesia suddenly turned him into a nice person, Nick still has to remember that at the bottom of it all he’s not a good person. 

He’s being nice to him in order to save his home, he isn’t really engaged to Charlie and he can’t let his brain get confused and think this is real. It isn’t, there is no chance in hell that this could turn into some kind of fairy tale, so he needs to quench any possible feelings before anything else happens. He really can’t afford to get distracted. 

By seven am, he has to go back inside, since he’s done everything he could think of. He even watered all the flowers outside even though it makes absolutely no sense to do it this early in the morning. His mum is gonna curse him for it, but he just isn’t ready to face Charlie yet, or her for that matter. 

He takes one last look at the cows, who are now happily grazing on the pasture next to the barn, and takes off his wellies before stepping back into the main house. For a second he thinks he’s safe, the house so quiet you could hear a pin drop, but suddenly Charlie’s laugh rings out from the direction of the kitchen and his stomach drops. It’s time to face the music. 

What he doesn’t expect though is Charlie sitting on the floor in front of the stove, cuddling Daisy while wearing one of Nick’s ridiculous aprons he got last Christmas from Tara and Darcy. There’s something sizzling in a pan on the stove and based on the texture alone Nick figures it’s scrambled eggs. 

His mother is nowhere to be seen and an uneasy feeling settles in his stomach. He really doesn’t want to be alone with Charlie, but the other man has noticed him already so he can’t just turn around and leave. 

“Good Morning,” Nick says and sends Charlie what he hopes is a reassuring smile. “I see you and Daisy have been reacquainted?”

“Yes! I love her Nick, I’m so glad we have a dog. My parents never let us get one, or any animal for that matter, said they were too much work, too dirty and would just distract us from our coursework.” Nick doesn’t really know who “us” is, but he figures asking that question would be too suspicious.

“So, you remember things then?” 

“Yeah, I think so far I remember everything up to when I moved out to go to uni? I think I got into UCL and my parents were really happy about it. Everything else after that is still a blur, to be honest.” 

“UCL… right.” Nick really has no idea if it’s true, but he can’t actually tell Charlie that. “So, where’s my mother? Did she tell you?” 

“Yeah, I think she went to town to deliver some goods, but didn't say what exactly she was going to do to be honest.” Charlie gets up from the floor and makes his way over to Nick. Before Nick can say anything, Charlie hugs him and Nick automatically pushes his nose in Charlie’s hair. When he inhales, he realises Charlie must have used his shampoo and that information makes his insides feel funny, so he also adds it to the stack of problems he has to solve later.

“I’m sorry,” Charlie’s mumble is barely audible from where his face is buried somewhere in between Nick’s neck and chin, but he’s still able to hear him. 

Nick’s heart skips a beat and once again he feels like shit for bringing Charlie into this situation. No matter how awful he was to him yesterday, he’s still his own person with his own feelings and his own life. Nick once again wonders if anyone’s going to come looking for Charlie. His family? Maybe even a partner? 

“What for?” 

Charlie exhales and releases Nick from their hug, but still stays close enough that Nick can smell his own body wash on the other man. “For fucking our life up. Like.. we had it all figured out, didn’t we? And suddenly I don’t know you anymore, I don’t even know myself anymore. Fucking hell, it’s like we have to get to know each other all over again. It’s not fair to you. You didn’t sign up for having to look after your partner who can’t even remember the name of his dog. Or how his fiancé likes his tea, or what he prefers in the bedroom.” Charlie quickly sticks his tongue out at him and Nick can feel himself get hot all over. He knows Charlie is just doing it to deflect from what he’s really feeling, but at the end of the day Nick can’t stop his brain from conjuring up some comprosining images. 

“Sorry, sorry I know it’s not the right time for that. But my point is, from what your mum has said you’re head over heels for me and I can’t remember you. I know there’s an obvious attraction between us, but I just can’t place it and it makes me so damn angry that I can’t remember how much I love you - I do love you, don’t I?” Charlie asks with the most hopeful look on his face and Nick has never seen anything like it in his life.

“Yeah,” he croaks. “Of course you do.”

Nick realises that if he keeps staring at Charlie any longer he will do something completely stupid, like kiss him, so he clears his throat and takes one intentional step back. “Come on, the eggs are getting cold and you need to get your strength back.”

A few minutes later they are sitting next to each other, both slowly eating their eggs until Nick realises neither of them have gotten a cup of tea. “A splash of milk and one spoon of sugar,” Nick says to Charlie, who raises his eyebrows at him questioningly. “My tea, that’s how I prefer my tea.” 

“So have I been giving you shit for taking sugar in your tea ever since we’ve gotten to know each other? Oh god, don’t tell me I’ve changed my mind on this, that would be atrocious. Putting sugar in a perfectly fine tea is a crime.” 

“You haven’t.” Nick once again has no idea. “And you’ve definitely been giving me shit for it, but it’s not my fault you’ve got absolutely no taste, is it?” 

“Gotta have some taste though, otherwise I wouldn’t be planning on changing my surname to Nelson, huh?” Charlie grins at him but Nick’s heart just stutters painfully. 

He does his best not to flirt back. Even though he knows Charlie must be so confused by his actions, he just can’t bring himself to. It’s not that he doesn’t want to – if this was a normal situation he would have probably kissed the other man senseless by now – but he can’t get his hopes up. He can’t let himself get attached, because he knows it’s just going to make the inevitable bad ending even worse. 

“Anyway,” Nick clears his throat. “Why don’t you tell me what you actually remember so I know what we’re dealing with?” 

“Oh.” Charlie’s face falls at Nick’s unwillingness to play into his flirting. “I mean… I guess, like I said earlier, I got into UCL. I think it was more for my parents’ benefit than mine. I think I would have loved to study classics or something, but my mum was going on and on about me having to get a proper job and being able to support myself so I don’t remember the actual decision but seems like I must have ended up studying finances after all.”

Charlie looks so miserable at this moment that Nick can’t help but reach over and give the other man’s hand a quick squeeze. But just as Charlie is trying to hold on and intertwine their fingers, he pulls it back and lets it disappear beneath the table. Nick doesn’t know what to say, so he picks up his fork and eats a few bites of his eggs, willing Charlie to continue with his story.

Awkward silence fills the space between them for a few more seconds until Charlie quietly sighs. “Before that, I remember all the basic stuff to be honest. Going to school, hating it there but being glad that I had Tao and Elle.” Again, Nick has no fucking idea who all of these people are. “Things had gotten a bit better in the last two years of school, people had apparently gotten over the whole forcefully getting outed thing so I was just trying to stay under the radar and get out of there as soon as possible.” 

Nick stomach is in knots. There are so many things he wants to ask Charlie. He wants to tell him fuck the people who were mean to him, that they all don’t deserve his kindness and forgiveness, but instead he just keeps staring at a spot between them on the table, unable to meet the other man’s eyes. 

Suddenly, he isn’t able to take the silence anymore, so Nick gets up from the table and collects their dishes to bring them to the sink. He turns on the water and waits for it to turn into an acceptable temperature. As much as he dislikes doing the washing up, he knows he can’t leave it for his mum: she’s stressed enough already and doesn’t need to deal with their dirty dishes as if she’s suddenly living with a teenager again. 

He’s so distracted by watching the water fill up the sink, and by his racing thoughts, that he doesn’t notice Charlie suddenly standing right beside him, just a hair away. “You told me washing up is my job, did you forget?” Charlie is so close to him that Nick can feel his breath on his neck and it causes an involuntary shiver to run down his spine.

“Right, yeah. I didn’t know if you were feeling up to it, to be honest.”

“I can do it, I already feel pretty useless at the moment so let me have this,” Charlie laughs but it does not reach his eyes. Instead, Nick can see another flash of hurt cross his face. 

He really can’t figure out how to handle this whole situation with the other man. If this was real, he would probably be fussing over his fiancé 24/7 but like this he just can’t figure out what to do in order not to cross any lines. Not that Charlie knows that there are any lines in the first place. 

Again, Nick says nothing and instead just steps away from the sink while indicating that Charlie can make himself at home. 

“You can just leave the stuff out to dry and I can put it away later.” Nick watches as Charlie starts frowning. “Or… I can show you where to put it? I mean… you know, I guess you have to know those things if you’re going to be living here.” 

“Yeah, that would be nice, thanks.”

“Alright, I’m going to take a quick shower and then I’ll join you back here in the kitchen, okay?”

Charlie says nothing and Nick immediately feels bad. “I’m gonna leave Daisy with you so she can scare away the big bad wolf in case he comes to eat you!” Nick forces out what he hopes is a convincing laugh and luckily Charlie shoots him a quick half smile. A win is a win. 

Upstairs, Nick takes off his clothes and puts them in the laundry hamper in the bathroom, but when he opens it, his eyes suddenly fall on Charlie’s suit and the blood that has dried on it. It’s ruined, which doesn’t seem like a big deal considering that Charlie doesn’t even know that he owns it, but for some reason it still brings tears to Nick’s eyes. He can’t believe how his life has been turned upside down in the span of a single day. What did he do to deserve this? Is it because of what happened in London? 

He takes the clothes out and decides that it’s probably best to get rid of them. The suit itself probably wouldn’t make Charlie ask any questions, but the blood on the other hand certainly would have that effect. Even if he got it cleaned, he has no idea what he would do with it. He moves to put it in a trash bag, but suddenly his hand finds something in one of the trouser’s pockets and he pulls out Charlie’s wallet and phone. 

The wallet is perfectly fine. The phone’s screen is slightly smashed, but it still comes to life when Nick pushes the power button. It’s locked though, and Nick can’t do anything but stare at Charlie’s lock screen which is a picture of his car, nothing else. He doesn’t know what he expected but it still makes him sad to see that his car is apparently Charlie’s most prized possession. 

Once again, he wonders about any family or friends that might be looking for the man. He can’t see if there are any new messages or missed calls on the phone. If only he could find out a name to look for their instagram profile or something to message them that Charlie is alright, but without his passcode or face id there is literally nothing he can do to get in contact with anyone. 

Maybe he can try to unlock the phone while Charlie is sleeping, but just the thought of invading his privacy like that makes him feel sick. 

On the other hand, he really wants to make sure that his people know that he is safe, even though he doesn’t even know what he would say. Hey, I know you don’t know me but Charlie is with me, probably forever, don’t worry about it bye bye??? That is an absolute recipe for a disaster. But just leaving them wondering where he is? That’s probably just as horrible. 

As with everything else, Nick decides that this is a problem for later. He figures that Charlie lives alone, so he probably has a few more days before anyone starts wondering where he is. Maybe the phone starts ringing, then he can just pick up and talk to the person, easy peasy. 

When Nick returns from his shower, he shows Charlie where to put all the dishes they used and then gives him a tour of the house. He tries to act like this wasn’t the first time he was showing him all of this, but considering the way he told Charlie at least ten times that he definitely doesn’t have to ask if he wants to use or do something, Charlie probably thinks he’s out of his mind. Nick just doesn’t know what to do; it's like he’s completely forgotten how to act like a normal human being. 

But how do you act when your fiancé, who’s actually not your fiancé, has amnesia so you have to introduce him to the things he thinks he knows, but has actually never seen in his life? When he probably thinks you’re a horrible person because you haven’t dared to touch him once, while you’ve apparently been together for two years?

That is what hurts Nick the most: the possibility that Charlie could think he’s an awful fiancé. He has always been a hopeless romantic, has always dreamed of having a family with the person he loves and even if he’s only had two relationships so far, he knows that he’s a tactile person, that he loves nothing more than touching and holding hands and showering his partner with affection. 

So, he tries to show Charlie his warmth in different ways, by introducing him to the animals. 

Charlie immediately falls head over heels in love with the cows and when Nick sees the way he talks to them, he almost has to laugh. It is such a stark contrast to the way the other man talked about them just a few hours ago. Yesterday, he wouldn’t even enter the barn and today he’s looking at them so fondly that Nick’s heart involuntarily skips multiple beats at once, while imagining what it would be like to be the one Charlie is looking at like this. 

“Do they all have names?” Charlie asks while unable to take his eyes off Sprout, the little calf he’s currently standing in front of. 

“Yeah! Do you want to know them all?”

Charlie gives him a smile and for the first time Nick thinks it’s genuine. “Yes, please.” 

“Alright,” Nick points to the first cow on the left hand side of the barn. “This one is Dottie, next are Flicker, Zoe, Gertie and Gabie.” Charlie raises his eyebrow at him. “I know these are a bit similar, but I like them, sue me! On the right side are Rosa, Nellie, Laurie, Elise and,” he nods his head at the calf Charlie was staring at, “the little one is called Sprout.” 

“Sprout! Oh my god, I love that name! How old is she?” 

“She’s three months and oh actually… you named her.” Nick instantly wants to smack himself, why the fuck he say that?

“I did?” Charlie’s eyes light up once again. He’s now only a few steps away from where Nick is standing and makes his way over to him. 

“I know it was weird earlier,” Charlie takes one step closer so they are almost touching. “But can we hug again? I feel like this is a situation we would normally hug. I am still a hugger, am I not?” 

Nick immediately thinks no you’re probably not, but Charlie is looking at him in a way that makes it impossible to say no. He’s wearing one of Nick's jumpers, courtesy to him not having any of his own clothes. It’s way too big on him and the sleeves are covering his hands, but it makes him look so incredibly cuddly that Nick thinks he might just die if he doesn’t get to touch him again for at least a few seconds. The rational voice in the back of head is screaming at him that this is definitely not a good idea, but at this moment he couldn’t care less. 

If he is being honest with himself, this version of Charlie is everything he has ever looked for in a partner. Nick doesn’t know what happened to the other man to make him so bitter, but the Charlie that is standing in front of him right now is so kind and gentle, curious in the best ways and seems to actually care about Nick’s life and the things he has to say. 

He hasn’t really had that experience lately: people who are not his mother or friends actually caring about him. 

Charlie seems to make the decision for him, because suddenly his arms are around Nick’s shoulders and he hides his face in the crook of his neck, which causes Nick’s brain to completely short circuit. He doesn’t dare to move, not a single inch, and his head is screaming at him to do something, anything, otherwise Charlie will probably move away from him and the only thing that would be worse than hugging him, would not be hugging him. 

After a few seconds, Charlie does indeed seem to move away from him and Nick’s brain finally starts working again and decides that this can’t happen, he can’t lose the other man’s warmth yet. He wraps his arms around Charlie’s waist and pulls him closer, pressing their bodies together and Charlie makes a happy noise in the back of his throat, something not quite like a squeak but also very close to it. 

With them being even closer to each other now, Nick can’t help but bury his face into Charlie’s hair again. His brain is screaming at him, but he’s sure that this is something a good fiancé would do. He’s been so distant from the other man in the past twenty four hours and if he were Charlie, he would definitely get suspicious of the fact that the man that was apparently in love with him was not willing to touch him, at all. 

He’s just doing it to keep the facade up long enough for him to figure out how to get out of this mess without losing his home. Nothing more and nothing less. 

Charlie suddenly starts pulling away from him properly, but not before placing a soft kiss in the crook of Nick’s neck. “Sorry,” Charlie mumbles quietly and takes a deliberate step away from him when he sees the look of pure shock on Nick’s face. “I know we’re engaged and all but … uh, yeah. You were just so warm.” A blush starts spreading across his face and Nick has to force himself to stay rooted in his spot. He knows that if he’d even move an inch, chances are that he’d kiss the life out of Charlie and he really can’t do that. He really, really, really can’t.

“It’s alright.” He tries to give Charlie what he hopes is a reassuring smile. 

“I want you to know I’m trying. It’s only been like a day and I don’t want to let you down but it’s also all so weird for me? Like, I feel like I have never seen you before but on the other hand it feels like I’ve known you all my life,” Charlie starts and before Nick can even think about it, he is taking Charlie’s hand in his. He slowly starts stroking his thumb over the other man’s knuckles and even though Charlie is looking down at his feet, he still continues, “I don’t know what I am saying, Nick. I just know that you are supposed to be a stranger, a stranger that I am engaged to for god’s sake! You feel so far away and at the same time I don’t think I’ve ever been this attracted to someone in my life?” 

“Usually I am not this direct, at least I don’t think so,” Charlie chuckles, “but since you’re my fiancé I hope this isn’t the first time I am telling you that you are gorgeous. Like… never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined to be with a guy like you. People should tell you every day of the week how fucking beautiful you are.”

Nick is rendered speechless again. Nobody has actually ever called him beautiful before. Sure, he is not naive enough to think that he’s not attractive, and all of his past partners have called him hot regularly, but never beautiful . It has never felt as meaningful and important as coming from Charlie at this moment. 

Before he can even stop it, his eyes are filling with tears and his throat is closing up. Even if he wanted to say something to Charlie, he is physically unable to, so he just squeezes the other man’s hand as tightly as possible and tries to clear his throat. 

“I don’t expect anything from you,” Nick finally says. “You have literally been through the most traumatic past twenty four hours and I want you to know that however you want to handle this, we will. If you want to have some space and for me to leave you alone we can do that, if you want me to sleep on the sofa, even though you’ve said no yesterday, I will definitely respect that.”

Suddenly, Nick freezes. “Oh god, I’ve never even asked you if you wanted to go to the hospital? What the fuck was I thinking, of course you need to go to the hospital! Let me just tell mum really quickly that we’re going to be gone for a while and I will-”, suddenly Charlie rips his hand from Nick’s and looks like he’s about to leave, but instead Charlie puts his hands on either side of Nick’s face and starts laughing. Like genuine loud belly laughs and Nick honestly doesn’t know what to make of that reaction. 

“Darling,” Nick’s stomach does what has to be the hundredth flip of the day at Charlie calling him a nickname, “I don’t want to go to the hospital, I genuinely don’t. I know I probably should go, but I honestly feel fine. Well, except for not remembering that I have a whole ass fiancé.” 

“But… I mean, uh, I guess you know my history with hospitals don’t you?” Nick automatically nods, even though he has of course no clue. “Yeah, I guess it makes sense that I told you about it. Uhm, I really don’t wanna go, if it’s not 100% absolutely necessary, I really don’t.” His voice is barely more than a whisper and even though he tries, Charlie doesn’t quite manage to meet Nick’s eyes. 

Nick wants to protest, even though he knows that if Charlie were to go to the hospital this whole thing would blow up in his face. They would realise that there is no relation to Nick except for him working for their bank, would probably call his family and they would immediately tell him that Nick has been lying to him, things would just spiral downwards from there. But he’s also so worried about Charlie and about if this accident did maybe damage something else except his memories. 

“I can see that you are worried.” Charlie’s hands are still on Nick’s face and he starts tracing his right thumb over Nick’s forehead, trying to smooth out the worry lines that have started appearing over the past five minutes. “I promise that if I still don’t remember a thing in, let’s say, two months, I will go to the doctor, okay?” 

Two months. Nick can work with two months. Two months for him to save his home, to come up with some kind of financial plan and to somehow not hurt Charlie even more in the process. 

“You haven’t told my family, have you?” Charlie suddenly asks and Nick feels himself panic. Is he supposed to lie? But then Charlie will wonder why they aren’t coming to visit him. 

“No, I, uh, I was so overwhelmed yesterday and I thought maybe you would want to tell them yourself… or something.” 

“Oh thank god,” Charlie laughs and pulls his hands back. “Yeah no, I won’t do that. Thank you for not making that decision for me. This still doesn’t change anything.” Nick is wondering what that’s supposed to mean, but it’s not like he can just ask Charlie. 

“Tori is- oh, wait, is she still in America?” Nick just nods dumbly. “Ah, well yeah, then I will definitely not tell her. She will just worry and want to come back here, which is unnecessary, and frankly way too expensive anyway. I’m gonna give her a call in a few weeks, it’s not like we speak that regularly and I bet she’s busy with Michael. There is honestly no use worrying her when I know she will just overreact and blow the whole thing out of proportion.”

“We probably need to get you a new phone anyway, it got smashed in the accident and won’t turn on again.” Another lie, but this way Nick can at least get out of Charlie having access to all his friends’ and family member’s numbers. At least for a while. 

“That’s okay, I think I need to concentrate on the present anyway, on being here with you . And a digital detox has never hurt anybody, has it?”

“No, it hasn’t.” Nick gives Charlie a smile and in this moment the urge to take his hand again is almost unbearable, but he forces himself to keep his hands to himself. He can’t get his hopes up, he can’t let his feelings get involved if he wants this to go right. 

Chapter Text

-

I'm trying so hard to just say the right thing,

if such a 'right thing' even exists.

-

Let it be known that Sarah Nelson is a saint.

Nick decides that whenever all of this is over, he is going to treat his mum to the best holiday she has ever been on, or even give her a year off from all the work she is doing around the farm. 

Ever since Charlie and him left the barn, she had been keeping the other man entertained so Nick could catch his breath and try to get his thoughts in order. Not that he had been very successful at getting his shit together, but at least he was able to hide in his office for a few hours to get away from having to lie to Charlie again and again. With only Daisy as his company, Nick couldn’t help but let himself think about how his life would have turned out if this was real, if he had gotten to know Charlie in a normal way and they would have fallen in love and gotten engaged eventually.

With no one else to call him out on it, Nick was able to admit to himself that it would have been pretty much the best thing that could have ever happened to him. Even though he hasn’t known Charlie for long, and he was literally the biggest asshole to him when they first met, Nick is incredibly attracted to him — not only physically but also to his character. He can’t stop imagining their life together and what it would be like if he could succumb to the way Charlie is slowly but steadily captivating him. 

When he came back out, he ate a rather quiet dinner with Charlie and his mum, and afterwards told Charlie to go ahead and get ready for bed, making up an excuse about wanting to take a bath in order to get the other man to use the bathroom before him. He wanted to avoid any awkward run-ins at all costs. 

When the clock strikes ten pm, Nick can’t put off going to bed any longer, but that doesn’t stop him from hovering in front of his bedroom door for at least ten more minutes. He hopes that Charlie might already be asleep so he doesn’t have to think too much about the sleeping arrangements and can just get under the covers and pretend nothing is wrong, but as soon as he opens the door he can hear Charlie quietly talking to Daisy, who has also made herself comfortable on the bed.

“I never thought of myself as a dog person to be honest, but you are the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life,” Charlie keeps scratching her in between her ears and Daisy is clearly loving it, looking at him adorlingly. “Yeah! Aren’t you the cutest? And so well behaved. I wonder if that’s mine or Nick’s doing,” he giggles. “Let’s be honest, it’s probably Nick’s, isn’t it?” 

Just as Nick opens the door fully to make his presence known, Charlie places a small kiss on Daisy’s forehead and the action makes Nick want to die on the spot. He has got the most beautiful man he has ever seen in his life in his bed, cuddling with his dog, but there is no way he can let himself enjoy it. He can’t let himself act on it. 

“Hi,” Nick softly says to Charlie in order not to disturb them. “I thought you would be asleep by now.”

“No, I wanted to wait for you. I was already asleep yesterday when you got into bed and I just… dunno. It felt a bit disrespectful, I don't know. I think I just wanted to share this with you. Be close to you. Sorry, if that’s weird. I’m not sure why I said that. You don’t have to say anything. Sorry.”

“Charlie,” Nick sits down gently on the right side of the bed and covers Charlie’s hand, which is still in Daisy’s fur, with his. “You really need to stop saying sorry so much, you did absolutely nothing wrong.” 

“So-,” Charlie starts but Nick immediately stops him. “Don’t you dare, sorrys are only for occasions where something genuinely went wrong. Not for when you’re just feeling a bit needy, maybe.” 

He can tell that Charlie is clearly embarrassed by being called out, so Nick just shifts his focus onto Daisy. “Come on Dais, you can stay in bed but you need to at least move to the foot of the bed or we won’t be getting any decent sleep at all tonight.” He pats a spot just where Charlie’s feet end and thanks the heavens that Daisy is actually listening to him for once when she starts moving around a bit. 

As soon as she seems to be happy with the position she’s in, Nick moves to turn off the big light so all that’s left are the fairy lights behind his headboard that are bathing the room in a warm yellow glow, and Charlie lets out a soft sigh next to him. 

“Have I told you yet how much I love this room? And this house in general? It’s just so warm, you can tell that it is clearly very well lived in, but in the best way possible.” 

“It’s, uh, it’s mostly all thanks to my stepdad really. He renovated it and did all the important things before I moved back home, it’s a big testament to his skills.” 

Charlie, who has been lying on his back so far, turns on his left side in order to face Nick, who chooses to keep staring at Daisy instead. “He’s gone then?”

“Yeah.” Nick doesn’t dare to look at Charlie, too scared that he would just start bawling if he sees the look of pity on the other man’s face; he’s sure it’s there even without seeing it for himself. “I will tell you about him another time.”

“That’s alright, you don’t ever have to talk about him if it’s too painful.”

Nick intensifies the staring at his dog, willing to stop any stray tears from falling. “You good if I turn the light off?”

“Yeah of course,” Charlie says and Nick immediately clicks the fairy lights off to avoid any more confrontation. 

He expects them to stay silent and eventually fall asleep, but after a few minutes Charlie starts shuffling around and suddenly Nick can feel a hand on his arm. “Turn around, darling.” Charlie’s voice is barely more than a whisper and it causes goosebumps to raise on his skin and his heart to race. What is he doing? Is Charlie going to try to have sex with him? Nick guesses he should have expected it, but not this soon. He thought he had at least one more week or so until it came to crossing that bridge.

But instead of doing anything like that, Charlie simply slides his hand down Nick’s arm and intertwines their fingers. “You can be the little spoon tonight, okay?” 

“Yeah,” Nick’s answer is so quiet and he starts feeling a bit dizzy at the prospect of having Charlie pressed against his back for the entire night. But on the other hand, it also feels like the best thing that could ever happen to him.

He turns around and Charlie follows his movements, pressing his front flush against Nick’s back while slinging one arm around Nick’s waist to pull him even closer to his body. Nick can’t even tell anymore where he begins and where Charlie ends. He tries really hard to stay indifferent, but the warmth that starts spreading through his body accompanied by an immense feeling of happiness cannot be stopped. 

He can’t remember any other time where he has felt this taken care of, this safe and protected from the outside world and before he can even begin to tell himself that this is bad, that he shouldn’t be doing this, Charlie places a small kiss on the nape of his neck.

“It doesn’t matter that I don’t remember you, and I know you are probably so worried about what we are going to do or where this is going, but I just wanna tell you one thing, this feels like home. You feel like home.” 

🐄

The first thing Nick notices when he wakes up is that the blankets are gone, like completely gone and he mentally thanks whoever is responsible for the weather that it’s still a pretty mild September and he isn’t freezing his ass off. The second thing he notices, after shutting off his alarm, is something hard poking against his lower back and that the cause of this hardness is still fast asleep, apparently not bothered at all by Nick’s blaring alarm if the quiet snoring is anything to go by. 

And the third thing is that he is also painfully hard. 

For a second he just lies there, unable to move or to form a single coherent thought, but he can feel his face heating up at the thought of them both getting aroused in their sleep. Logically, he knows that this is a completely normal thing for their bodies to do and that it doesn’t have to mean anything, but Nick’s heart can’t help but read too much into it. 

Is Charlie really attracted to him? He knows the other man has complimented him a few times in the past forty eight hours, but surely that was mostly to make Nick feel better. It was always in situations where Nick was either panicking or speechless, so it makes sense that what Charlie had said must have been just to fill the silence with something to make it all less awkward. 

They haven’t even known each other for a full two days yet and Nick is sure that so far he has spent most of the time making an actual fool of himself, or either lying or hiding from Charlie. 

“I can hear you thinking from a mile away.” Charlie’s mouth is so close to Nick that he thinks he might die when he feels the other man’s breath at the nape of his neck. For a second he contemplates pretending to be asleep, but Charlie must have heard his alarm after all and therefore also that Nick had turned it off. 

For what feels like the hundredth time in the past few days, Nick opts to say nothing. He figures that if he doesn’t reply anything, maybe Charlie will fall back asleep and he can attempt to slip out of bed quietly.

But suddenly there’s a pair of lips on the back of Nick’s neck and his breath stops. Charlie starts tracing the line of Nick’s shoulder with his nose, pushing under the shirt he’s wearing and starting from the crook of his neck all the way to where his shoulder starts connecting to the rest of his arm, where he places a soft kiss as soon as he reaches that spot. Nick holds his breath, thinking that might be it, but after lingering in that spot for a few seconds, Charlie starts making his way back, only this time it’s not only his nose, because he’s actually placing light kisses all along the way. 

The sensation catches Nick off guard so badly, that his ears start ringing faintly and he can’t focus on anything else but Charlie. Charlie and the way his lips feel so soft and feathery against his skin, the way his front is still firmly pressed against Nick’s back, the way he faintly smells like Nick’s body wash since there was literally nothing else he could use. It’s all Charlie, Charlie, Charlie and Nick knows that he has never felt like this before. 

The other man isn’t even doing a lot, they aren’t even kissing or anything, but Nick still feels like this is the purest display of affection anyone has ever shown him.  

After Charlie places one last kiss into Nick’s hair, he starts settling down again, throwing his hand back over Nick’s middle to actually pull him in even tighter. There is a raging storm going on not only in Nick’s head, but also in his tummy and he doesn’t know how to stop it, or if Charlie even wants him to react. Maybe he even wants him to reciprocate, but at this moment he feels like a blushing virgin who hasn’t even had his first kiss yet. 

Charlie is evoking feelings in him that he has never felt before, not even with any of his long term ex-partners. Feelings that, if he’s being honest with himself, he thought were a product of romance novels and you couldn’t even feel in real life. 

And all of that after not even two days - what does that make him? Probably pretty pathetic and lonely. 

That thought catches him off guard and makes him feel angry at himself, he knows that he deserves love, just because he hasn’t gotten it in that way before, it doesn’t mean he is not allowed to wish for or enjoy it. 

In the spur of the moment, Nick removes Charlie’s hand from his waist and the other man makes a sound of protest, but he doesn’t get the chance to say anything because soon after Nick starts turning around so they are face to face. Charlie looks at him worriedly for a second, but Nick shoots him a small, but genuine smile, so he starts to relax again. 

“It’s not even five am yet,” Nick says before placing a lingering kiss on Charlie’s forehead. Realistically, he knows he has to get up to get his day started and feed the animals as soon as possible, but every fibre of his body is protesting against leaving Charlie alone in his warm bed.

So instead of getting up, Nick wraps one arm around Charlie to bring them closer together and brings the other hand to Charlie’s hair where he starts carding through it softly, careful not to let it get tangled up or hurt him. 

Charlie releases a satisfied sigh which makes Nick smile once again. “Go back to sleep, sweetheart.” 

🐄

Two hours later Nick startles awake, he and Charlie are still tangled up in each other but he can’t let himself enjoy it because he knows that he has slept way too long and now not only will his whole routine be off, but the animals will also be so angry at him for denying them their food for so long. 

He tries to get out of bed as quietly as possible, but it’s no use — Charlie slowly blinks awake and immediately shoots a soft smile in Nick’s direction where he’s getting dressed. He thanks the heavens above that he’s already got his jeans and shirt on, because he’s definitely not ready for Charlie to see him naked, let alone for the implications it might come with. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t wanna wake you, but I overslept so badly it’s already seven am and the animals should have been fed by now. You can-” 

Charlie interrupts him. “Nick, darling, calm down. I’m very well rested, definitely also thanks to you. I will come with you, of course.” 

“What?” Nick tries not to let his reaction to the nickname show too much, but there’s definitely a faint blush spreading on his cheeks. 

“This is an us thing, right? We’re a team?”

Nick nods at Charlie and the butterflies in his tummy threaten to spill over once again. 

“Well then, I’m coming with you. Sprout is going to be even more angry if she doesn’t see my beautiful face first thing in the morning!”

“She’s not the only one, then.” Nick is not sure if Charlie even heard his answer, because he’s already next to him pulling the closet doors open and staring at its contents suspiciously. 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you anyway, why do I literally not own more than ten clothing items?”  Charlie quirks an eyebrow at him and Nick falters. He can’t tell Charlie it’s because that’s all Darcy was able to come up with on such short notice, but if he comes up with an elaborate lie that’s another thing he has to keep up with and he already has enough things he needs to keep in mind. 

Charlie starts pulling on one of Nick’s jumpers and his brain shortcuts. “You mostly wear my stuff anyway.” If he could, he would smack himself square in the face for saying that. “Uh, and when you decided to move here you donated a lot of stuff to charity and stuff, the rest just hasn’t arrived yet. I guess. We wanted to buy you some new stuff anyway, it was all shortly before the accident.”

“Oh, that’s nice! I mean, I’m not surprised that I like wearing your stuff,” Charlie sticks his nose in the collar of the jumper he’s wearing and takes a deep breath. “It smells just like you so it’s like carrying my own personal Nick with me anywhere I go.” 

Nick’s stomach flutters again and he can’t help but admire Charlie’s ability to be so open about his feelings. He knows the other man is only doing it because he thinks they are engaged and wants to get his memories back, but it’s still so refreshing to be around someone that isn’t shy about complimenting him. Even if it’s not real. 

“I’m just going to brush my teeth really quick and then we can get going.”

“Wait, I will join you. Can’t have my breath smelling bad when I’m going to be around a handsome man all day!”

Nick decides that it’s going to be a miracle if he can get through this day without wanting to snog Charlie senseless every five minutes. 

Shortly after, they are both making their way downstairs and into the kitchen. Nick is planning to forgo breakfast for now so he can feed the cows and chickens as soon as possible, not wanting to anger them even more.

But just as they’re both putting on their jackets and wellies, his mum rounds the corner and sends them both a warm smile.

“Good morning you two!”

“Morning, mum. I’m sorry we’re late, I.. uh, I didn’t hear the alarm.” Sarah gives him a knowing smile and Nick should have known that his own mother would see through his facade within seconds. “We’re going now, sorry that we’ve missed breakfast too.”

“You’re not going anywhere,” Sarah says and even Charlie looks at her like she’s lost her mind. “I’ve already taken care of it. You both had a traumatic past couple of days, I figured you deserved a good lie in. To be fair, seven am is hardly late, I expected you both to be occupied for a bit longer.” 

“Mum!” Nick starts but he’s being interrupted by Charlie almost doubling over with laughter. “We, uh, we would never- uh, I mean, we didn’t!” Even though Nick feels highly embarrassed about the whole thing, especially given the fact that his mum knows that this engagement is very much not real, he can’t help but join in with Charlie’s laughter.

It’s the first time he’s heard the other man’s genuine laugh and the sound of it is so endearing that he quickly comes to the conclusion that Charlie’s happiness is definitely worth his own embarrassment.  

Sarah looks at them both with a huge smile on her face and goes over to Charlie, laying a hand on his shoulder which makes him stop taking off his boots. She gives him a quick squeeze and then looks pointedly at Nick. “Why don’t you take Charlie out to the lake for a bit? I know he is going to love it and you’ve been meaning to fix the fence over there for weeks anyway. Take advantage of the good weather as long as you still can.” Nick opens his mouth and before he can protest, she speaks again. “I packed you a basket with some food you can take with you for breakfast.” 

Judging by the stern look she gives him, Nick knows that he has no choice other than to agree, but he can’t help but wonder what she is doing. She knows he should be coming up with a proper plan to save their finances and not frolic around with Charlie at a lake. Sarah has to be aware that he can’t afford to develop real and proper feelings for the other man and or to get distracted; this is just as much about her future as it is about his. Yet, there she is, trying to be some kind of matchmaker that Nick is a hundred percent sure he never even asked her to be. 

“Yeah, why not?” His mum’s perseverance paired with the hopeful look on Charlie’s face gives Nick no other choice than to agree. “Let me just get my backpack, so we can put the stuff in it.”

“I’ve already got it!” Once again, his mum is looking at him triumphantly and he curses her inwardly for stopping him from having at least a few minutes to himself to get his thoughts together and prepare himself for spending the whole day with Charlie. Just the two of them, in probably the most romantic spot their land has to offer. Great. 

“Great, thanks mum. Looks like you will need the wellies and jacket after all Charlie.”

Shortly after, they start making their way outside and Charlie instantly starts off in the direction of where Nick’s truck is parked but stops moving when he hears Nick start to laugh. “We’re not taking the car, it’s way too muddy and I don’t want us to get stuck. Come on.” He motions for Charlie to follow him into the barn’s direction and the other man does so without saying a word.

He can feel Charlie staring at his back, probably immensely confused by where he is taking him, but leaving Charlie guessing for a bit actually fills Nick with some glee. He’s excited to see how Charlie’s going to get on with what is going to take them to the lake. 

When Charlie catches up with him, Nick keeps walking right past the barn with the cows and he can see the other man sending a quick wave to Sprout who is happily pottering around the pasture with the others. His heart instantly warms at the sight.

Charlie immediately starts talking as soon as they come to a halt in front of another, much smaller, barn. “Sooo, are you going to tell me what’s inside? Bikes? A golf cart?” He gasps. “A motorcycle maybe?” He suggestively wiggles his eyebrows at Nick, not doing a very good job at it, and it makes Nick laugh. “No, none of that. Come on.”

Nick opens the door with one hand and takes Charlie’s in his with the other. 

“Nicholas, what the fuck?” Nick laughs again. “Why didn’t you tell me before that we actually have horses? Two horses!” Charlie keeps gaping at them and Nick has to admit to himself how cute he looks, being all excited about meeting even more animals. 

“They’re not actually ours, I’m sorry to tell you this. They’re Tara and Darcy’s, they just don’t have the space for them because they live in a flat so they are living here. But Tara and Darcy are the ones that feed and ride them and stuff. They do let us borrow them though.” Now it’s Nick’s turn to ridiculously wiggle his eyebrows at Charlie. 

“Oh god,” Charlie's face blanches and he takes a step back, still not letting go of Nick’s hand though. “I can’t… even if I could, I can’t remember how! Please don’t make me.”

Charlie looks up at Nick like he had just asked him to run a marathon or something and his heart sinks. He genuinely didn’t think about the fact that even if Charlie knew how to ride a horse at one point in his life, he probably doesn’t know how to anymore. 

“Shit, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think about the fact that you would have forgotten that skill too.” He gives Charlie’s hand a quick squeeze before pulling away. “We can take the car, it’s no big deal. The ground should be dry enough for us not to get stuck. I just thought this would be more fun, but I realise now that it was a stupid idea.” 

“Didn’t you tell me to stop saying sorry so much?” 

“Yeah, but I’m allowed to, because I’m genuinely sorry.” 

“You’re not.” Charlie takes one step closer and slides his hand into the back pocket of Nick’s trousers while looking up at him. Nick thinks he might stop breathing any second now. “But we can share a horse, right? I’ll just have to hold onto you tightly, and I can certainly do that, believe me.” Charlie gives Nick’s arse a slight squeeze and it startles Nick so much that he pulls away from the other man to put some distance between them.

“Y-yeah. I guess we can do that.” Nick clears his throat and turns around, looking for the saddle and halter to put on the horse and certainly not to hide his enormous blush from Charlie’s gaze. What the fuck is happening to him? Feeling like this, after only two days, can’t be healthy and Nick really needs to start getting his shit together before this gets out of hand. And it’s not like he can tell Charlie to stop, they are supposed to be engaged after all. 

“Can you go back inside the house and get Daisy? She also loves the lake, it’s a great opportunity to take her along.” Nick just needs one minute to breathe and then he’s sure he will be okay again.

A few minutes later Nick is done getting the horse ready when Charlie comes back out again with a blanket in his hand and Daisy by his side. 

“Your mum gave me this!” He waves the blanket in the air, and it causes Daisy to jump at him, thinking it’s something to play with. “Not now girl, we can play later.” 

Charlie fastens the blanket on top of Nick's backpack since it’s already full with the food they’re taking for the picnic. “Can’t really carry it in my hand if I have to hold onto you, can I?”

“Right.” Nick clears his throat in order to avoid blushing again. “May I help you get on the horse?”

“Yeah.” Now it’s Charlie’s turn to blush and he makes his way over to where Nick is standing next to the horse. “So how are we, uh… doing this?” Nick has to once again fight the urge to kiss him. 

“I’m gonna boost you up and make sure you are comfortable. Don’t worry, she’s tied to the post so even if she moves a bit, I promise you she won’t be going anywhere. And to be honest, she’s a very gentle soul anyway. Then, when you’re settled, I’ll give you the backpack to put on and join you up there, okay?”

Charlie just nods and runs his hand along the horse’s backside. Nick is fascinated by how gentle he is, even though he was so scared of it just a few minutes ago. He’s being so respectful towards the animal, making sure that she is comfortable and knows that he means no harm. 

Charlie interacts with the animal for a bit longer until he gives Nick a reassuring nod. “Okay, I’m ready.”

Nick motions for Charlie to put both of his hands on the saddle to be able to pull himself up and over the horse’s back. When the other man gives him a nod and raises his right foot, Nick puts his hands under it and looks at Charlie one last time. “I’m gonna count to three and then boost, okay?” Charlie nods. “You don’t have to be scared, I’m going to make sure you are completely safe. All you have to do is throw your other foot over her back and then you’re good. One, two, three!” 

Charlie gives a quick squeak when Nick starts lifting him, but he manages to keep his right leg straight while throwing his left one over the horse’s back as soon as he’s high enough to do so. Still gripping onto the saddle for dear life, he shifts around a bit until he’s secure enough. “That was amazing!” He beams down at Nick. 

“I knew you could do it!” Nick returns his smile and gives Charlie’s knee a quick squeeze before retrieving the backpack to hand it to the other man. 

“Are you good for me to get on too?” Charlie nods and Nick puts his foot in the stirrup and swings himself in front of Charlie on the horse. He expects Charlie to say anything when he’s settled, but all he can hear from behind him is silence.

Nick turns around to check on him and is met with a deep red Charlie. He can’t help but laugh, which causes Charlie to hide his face in the back of Nick’s jacket. “Ugh, stop!” This makes Nick laugh even more. “It’s just,” Charlie tries to continue. “It was just right in my face, what was I supposed to do! Your a-arse, it was just right there and it’s so nice and, and I just- Stop laughing! It’s not funny!” By now Charlie is definitely laughing too and he lightly hits Nick in the shoulder in an attempt to make him stop. 

“Okay, okay, no s word, but I am sorry for laughing at you. You have to admit that your reaction was hilarious, though.”

Charlie grumbles a bit but still nods his head in agreement. “Can we go now?” 

“Yeah,” Nick whistles once and Charlie winds his arms tightly around Nick’s middle. “Come on Daisy girl, we’ve got things to show to Charlie!”

They get on their way and things seem to be going well so far, with the exception of the fact that after like ten minutes of riding Charlie suddenly starts shifting his hips backwards. Nick really doesn’t have the time or mental capacity to think about what that means so he just keeps telling himself that it’s simply basic human bodily functions and nothing more.  

Other than that, they make comfortable smalltalk with each other with Charlie asking about the land and making remarks about plants or animals they encounter on their way. His favourite is the small bunny rabbit that crosses their way and for a second Nick is worried that Daisy might scare it away, but luckily she is way too busy trailing ahead of them trying to catch flies that were way too fast for her anyway.  

After about forty minutes or so, they arrive at the lake and he can feel Charlie’s whole body shake with excitement. It’s the exact same reaction he had when his step dad had first brought him here and even though it is an autumnal September day, the sun is still out and bathing the lake and its surrounding trees in a warm yellow glow. It’s perfect for a date, only with the exception that this definitely isn’t a date. 

They have come to a halt and Nick turns around to look at Charlie. “Do you wanna try getting down yourself? It would make the whole thing easier for me, to be honest.”

Charlie gulps, but nods. “You hold onto me and I hold onto you, okay? Leave your right foot in the stirrup and swing the other one around, when you’re stable enough I’m going to grab your hands and help you slowly lower yourself to the ground. I promise there is no scenario in which I’m ever going to let you fall.” 

The other man does just as he is told and when he’s safely on the ground Nick breathes a sigh of relief. He soon joins Charlie and moves to tie the horse to a nearby tree, making sure she has enough leverage to graze in the meadow.  

Meanwhile Charlie has spread the blanket on the ground close to the lake and is lying down on his back with Daisy literally on top of him. Nick lets himself admire the other man for a second: his face being illuminated by the sun accentuates how sharp Charlie’s jaw actually is, and Nick’s gaze wanders over his jawline, over his cheekbones and to his eyelashes, which are so long and frame the whole composition of his face perfectly. He is truly stunning and Nick thinks, not for the first time, that maybe being fake engaged isn’t that bad when it’s to someone as gorgeous and amazing as Charlie. 

He almost doesn’t dare to disturb Charlie’s peace but Daisy seems to get impatient waiting for him to join them and lets out a few quick barks. 

“I’m coming, I’m coming! You’re nearly as demanding as Charlie, do you know that?” He says as he comes to sit down next to them both, lightly scratching Daisy in-between her ears. 

He expects Charlie to complain, but instead he just shifts around a bit so that his head is comfortably resting in Nick’s lap. His eyes are still closed, but there’s a clear smirk playing on Charlie’s lips. 

Nick hesitates for a second, but before he can overthink it too much he starts carding his hand through Charlie’s hair and the other man’s smile gets even bigger. It causes Nick’s tummy to swoop and a smile not unlike Charlie’s appears on his own lips. 

He could really get used to this. Not that he’s going to, but theoretically speaking if Charlie and he were really on their way to be married, this would be how he would want to spend the rest of his days. Just them and Daisy tucked away somewhere where no one else can bother them. 

They stay like that for some time, with Nick running his hand through Charlie’s hair while they listen to what’s going on around them. Charlie looks at him and when Nick’s eyes lock with his bright blue ones he can’t stop a shiver from running down his spine. 

“Tell me something I don’t already know about you.” 

Nick laughs. “You do know that you have forgotten basically everything, right?” There is absolutely no malice in his voice, he’s genuinely amused by Charlie’s question and if the way the other man is smirking at him is anything to go by, he is too. 

“I knoooow,” Charlie practically whines. “But I want to get to know you again.” Suddenly, his head is gone from Nick’s lap and he is sitting in front of him. “This can be our second first date!” 

“Date?” Nick’s voice is barely more than a whisper. A date? A real date? Obviously it wouldn’t be a real one, he would still be playing along but would it be a proper date to Charlie? Maybe his mum put him up to it, god knows what she had said to Charlie while he was in the house getting Daisy. 

“Yeah, I mean, I thought this was what we’re doing. Sorry.” Charlie starts pulling the sleeves of his jumper over his hands and this simple action alone breaks Nick’s heart. Here he was, just trying to get to know him and Nick had to go and ruin it all with one stupid word. 

“No! Wait, I mean yes. Yes as in yes that’s what we’re doing. I just wasn’t sure if you were aware of it, to be honest. I’m glad you are.” 

“I wasn’t sure, but I hoped that it would be a date.”

Nick is going to go insane, he is sure of it. There he is, with the most beautiful man he’s ever laid his eyes on and he can’t even do anything about it. Not properly, not for real. Of course he has to play along with Charlie in order to keep the facade alive but that’s not what Nick wants. He wants to get to know Charlie without the lies and without pretending like he’s told him all of this before, maybe then they would have a real shot at this. If only this could be a proper first date and not this fucked up version of it. 

“I’m absolutely fucking terrified of turning 30 next year and I know it makes no sense.” Nick doesn’t even know where that just came from. He really wasn’t planning on telling Charlie that, he was thinking of something more harmless like his middle name. 

“It doesn’t matter if it makes no sense, darling.” Charlie reaches for Nick’s hand to intertwine their fingers and Nick tries not to think about it. “Do you know why? I mean, there’s gotta be something you are afraid of.”

“It’s because I’m a failure.” Again, Nick curses himself for letting his mouth be quicker than his brain, but now that he has started he also can’t seem to stop. “Like, what have I really achieved in life? I’m living with my mum for god’s sake! That sounded mean, but it’s so fucking hard to explain. I love my mum, I love living on the farm and looking after all the animals but also on the other hand it feels so insignificant? At least back in London I was able to make an impact by teaching children, being able to help them get ready for their life and shape them into the human beings they’re going to be but I couldn’t even…” He pauses for a second, trying to catch his breath. “I couldn’t even do that, because I failed to protect them. Just like I’ve failed at so many other things in my life.” 

Nick doesn’t even notice that he has started crying until Charlie separates their hands to wipe away the stray tears that have made their way down Nick’s face. “Not to toot my own horn, but I hope getting engaged to me isn’t something you also count as a failure?”

He knows Charlie is only trying to cheer him up, but it just makes Nick feel worse. Looking after his mum and the farm properly is just another thing Nick has failed at. 

If he’d only gotten their finances in order, Charlie wouldn’t even have had to come over, would have never gotten into that accident and they wouldn’t have to pretend to be fake engaged, with only one of them knowing that that’s what they’re doing. 

“You’re probably the best thing that has ever happened to me.” That, on the other hand, is definitely not a lie. 

“Nick… can I?” Charlie starts moving his face closer to Nick’s and he can see both panic and excitement in the other man’s eyes. As much as Nick wants to kiss Charlie, he can’t let him: he really really can’t. Rationally, he knows that as fiancés they should be happily kissing at any chance they get, but he knows that he has to protect his heart from falling in love with Charlie. 

Just as Nick is about to say something, Daisy starts barking loudly at something a few feet away from them and Nick has never felt so relieved in his life. At least he didn’t have to turn Charlie down. From now on he just has to make sure that they don’t even get into a situation where they could kiss in the first place. 

“Sorry, I.. uh, I think she saw a butterfly or something. She’s completely obsessed with them.” Is what Nick says instead of acknowledging anything that had happened in the past few minutes. He keeps on staring right past Charlie, too afraid of what he would see if he looked at his face. Definitely disappointment, maybe also disgust that Nick is behaving so cowardly towards him, but before he can start spiralling even worse, Charlie clears his throat.

“Nick, can we talk about it?” Nick still doesn’t look at him, so Charlie actually grabs his chin to gently lift it to look at his face. “I need you to know that I’m aware that this is just as hard on you as it is on me. I will never force you to do anything you don’t want to do, never. If you don’t wanna kiss me ever again, that’s fine by me. If you don’t wanna do it, I don’t wanna do it either.” 

Nick wishes he could tell Charlie how much he actually does want to kiss him, how he just wants to grab his stupid beautiful face and snog him senseless for hours. Because he’s not only one of the most beautiful people he has ever seen, he’s also one of the most gentle and kind human beings he’s ever gotten to meet. 

“I want to do it… eventually. It’s just hard for me at the moment, I’m sorry.” He figures that he can cross that bridge when it comes to it and until then he will do his best to keep Charlie at bay without hurting his feelings even more. 

“Do you want to go back?” 

“No, I actually want to go swimming.” Before Nick can react, Charlie has already taken off to the lake and is taking off his jumper and trousers. 

“What? Naked?” Nick is back in full panic mode, he knows that if he sees Charlie naked all of his plans of keeping his distance and acting nonchalant will be out the window within seconds. 

By now Charlie is in only his pants and shirt and has started wading into the lake. “It’s fucking cold, oh my god. Join me, come on!” He sends a dazzling smile into Nick’s direction who has no other choice than to follow his lead. 

A few seconds later, also in only his underpants and shirt, Nick follows Charlie into the lake and even though the other man is still in the shallow part of it, the water has already reached his middle.  

When Nick is standing next to him, Charlie immediately wraps his arms around Nick, which causes a zing of electricity to go through him. “This is alright, yeah? We’ve hugged before, so I figured we could share the warmth.”

Nick decides that he can at least let himself have that, so he wraps his right arm around Charlie’s waist to pull him in closer. “Yeah, it’s more than alright.” 

They stay like that for a while, Nick asks Charlie if he wants to go deeper but the other man declines, stating that he’s cold enough already as it is. So they just keep on standing there, holding onto each other while watching the sun dance across the surface of the lake. 

When they both decide that they are getting hungry and definitely too cold they make their way back out. “So, uh, you’re just gonna leave your wet underpants on, or?” 

“No way, I don’t need a cold on top of having amnesia, just gonna toss them and wear my joggers like they are. I hope you don’t mind.”

Nick definitely does not mind. “Oh, no. I’m actually gonna do the same, good call.” 
If he has to suffer through seeing Charlie go commando, he is all too happy to make him go through the same thing. 

Charlie is done with changing first, so he’s already sitting back on the blanket and spreading out the food when Nick emerges from the tree he was getting changed behind. There’s bread, fruit, cheese, some sausages, scrambled eggs and tea in a thermos jug that is hopefully still hot. Nick realises that for the first time in three days he actually feels hungry and is looking forward to eating something. 

“This looks amazing, we have to thank your mum again when we get back. She really didn’t have to do all that.”

“Yeah, well, she’s a meddler at heart.” 

Charlie doesn’t say anything so he has either not heard him, or is ignoring him on purpose. Nick is fine with both. 

They don’t talk a lot while they eat, both too hungry to think about much else and if Nick is being honest with himself he’s grateful for the silence. Considering what he had said when they first got here, he thinks that they have had enough difficult conversations for the next year or so, not that he thinks that Charlie is going to stick around for that long.

When they are done, Charlie is more than happy to pack up and go back. So not too long after, following a way less eventful way of getting back on the horse, they are on their way back home. 

This time, Charlie puts a significant amount of distance between his hips and Nick’s backside right from the start, and even though Nick knows that it makes sense and that he probably also doesn’t want to make Nick uncomfortable, it still causes a strange feeling of upset to go through his body.

When they arrive back at the house, they both work together to get the horse settled, watered and fed and to put all the food they didn’t eat back in the fridge. 

Just as Nick is about to take his now empty backpack from Charlie, the other man suddenly freezes and looks at him. “You didn’t fix the fence,” he narrows his eyes at Nick. “Come to think of it, there was not a single fence anywhere near that lake.”

Chapter Text

-

I'm on my hands and knees begging you to kiss me,

when I'm not around, do you even miss me?

-

The third night Nick spent sleeping in the same bed as Charlie was pretty uneventful.

They both were mentally and physically exhausted after they got back from their little excursion, so all they did was shower, separately of course, and settle down in the living room with Daisy to watch a few episodes of Bake Off. Sometime around 6pm, Charlie started to doze off;Nick used the opportunity to do a quick check-in with the animals to make sure they were all still well fed and that nothing had happened during the day. 

Once he was satisfied with how things were going, he returned back to his part of the house and found Charlie and Daisy still snuggled up together on the sofa. Nick watched them for a few minutes, not noticing the huge smile that had spread across his face, before gently waking Charlie to come and eat dinner.

Dinner was also a quiet affair, with Nick and Charlie telling Sarah a bit about what they had gotten up to, but not a lot more was said. Towards the end of it, Charlie started yawning again and Sarah told them both to go and get some rest.

So they did, with Charlie passing out as soon as his head hit the pillow. 

When Nick wakes up in the morning, Charlie is still out cold and Nick couldn’t be happier about it. It’s not like he doesn’t enjoy Charlie’s company, but Nick has to actually go to town today to do his weekly deliveries and there is no way he could explain to the other man why he can’t come and join him without having to make up another lie. 

After eating a quick breakfast and feeding the cows and chickens, Nick drives his truck down the gravel road that leads away from the house and into town. Normally, he would have taken Daisy with him, but he decided to leave her so she could keep Charlie company while he was away. And maybe having her would make Charlie less cross with Nick for leaving him behind. 

There aren’t a lot of deliveries today, a fact that Nick is painfully aware of and takes as an opportunity to remind himself that he needs to start spending less time with Charlie and more time focusing on getting their finances back on track. His first stop is the local supermarket, which, if he’s being honest, doesn’t really deserve the name supermarket, but it’s the biggest store they have and you can get pretty much anything you need. Back in the day when his step-dad was still alive, he had made a deal with them to provide them with some eggs and milk once a week. It is definitely not enough to feed the whole town, but people like buying the products, willing to pay a little more for them because they know they come from a good place. Not that Nick charges a lot for their produce anyway. 

As soon as he’s stepping into the store, the owner Mrs. Willson is on him. “Nicholas, dear! It’s so good to see you. Show me what you have brought!”

Nick laughs, because she does this every week - act like she doesn’t know exactly what he’s bringing her, even though it’s been milk and eggs for the past three years he’s lived here. 

“Mrs. Willson. Are you holding up okay?”

“Fit as a fiddle, as always,” she says. 

Nick knows she’s lying, his mum has told him about the health problem she has had lately, but he decides to indulge her and gives her a polite smile. “That’s good to hear, ma’am.” 

“I’m gonna put the products in the back as always?” 

“Yes, yes, perfect. The envelope with your money is back there too, as always.”

“As always,” Nick nods and makes his way to the backroom, placing the two boxes on the floor next to the table with the envelope. He grabs the envelope and puts it in the inside pocket of his jacket before walking back out front. It’s as light as always and Nick knows he should start charging more, that the things are definitely worth more than he asks for, but he just can’t let himself do it. 

His plan is to leave as soon as possible, but Mrs. Willson is standing right in front of the exit, looking at him expectantly. “You’re going to stay for a cup of tea, aren’t you?” 

Nick shoots her an apologetic smile. “No, I’m afraid I can’t. I need to get back home.” 

“Oh! But it’s still quiet early though, unless you have a special someone waiting for you?”

“Uh… no, absolutely not.” He tries not to make it obvious how much she’s just caught him off guard. “Just promised mum to help her with something.” He clears his throat. “But, uh, have you heard something? Are people talking?” 

“Oh, no dear. Let’s just say it’s my wise, old intuition.” She says with a smile and waves him off, already making her way into the back room to check on what he has brought. 

Back in his truck, Nick tries not to spiral too much. Realistically speaking, he knows that Mrs. Willson was probably just talking out of her arse, trying to get some gossip or a reaction out of him, but he can’t help but wonder if someone might know what’s going on. Someone that doesn’t belong to his inner circle and definitely has no business knowing what he has been doing for the past days, or who he has been spending time with. 

If anyone finds out, especially someone who might recognise Charlie and knows that they are definitely not together, Nick is screwed. Not only will his life be ruined, but his mum’s too and he can’t let anything happen to her. 

For a moment he contemplates going straight back home, wanting to hide away from everyone and everything, but he knows he promised Darcy to come by the pub for a catch up and to bring her their home-made apple juice. It was actually his mum’s idea, not only to sell the apples themselves, but to also make them into juice and sell that too. When Darcy heard about it she was ecstatic and insisted that she had to have a batch for the pub. 

It takes him less than ten minutes to drive over there and as soon as he gets out of the car Darcy is already out the door and running straight at him. He has about three seconds to prepare himself before she flings herself into his arms. “Nick baby! Oh how I’ve missed you!” She smacks a kiss on his cheek before he lets her back down onto the floor. 

“You’re acting like I’ve just come back from war. We literally saw each other two days ago.” 

“And?” She looks at him sternly. “Also, the last time we saw each other I’d say you’ve been pretty occupied by other things, haven’t you?” 

Nick just blushes and chooses not to say anything, instead making his way to the truck bed to get the three boxes of apple juice he brought. 

“Where do you want them?” He asks as he’s following Darcy inside the pub.

“Just put them on the counter, I can figure out where to put them later. And don’t you dare think you can get out of talking about Charlie!”

“What do you want me to say? I hate lying to him, I hate myself for lying to him. But I don’t know what to do.”

Darcy comes around the counter and sits down on the barstool next to Nick. “Have you talked with him? About the accident?”

“Yeah, it seems like all we do is talk.” Nick tries not to let it show how much these talks affect him. “I even panicked and asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital after all, but luckily he said no. Apparently he has a history with hospitals and wants to avoid them as best as he can. And he literally thanked me for not telling his parents, for being so considerate of his history with them!” 

“Well, I mean, if you were engaged these are the things you would definitely know.”

“I know! But we aren’t Darcy, we aren’t.” Nick buries his face in his hands and lets out a groan. “I’m making it all up as I go, I’ve just been lucky that he hasn’t grown suspicious yet but I know that soon I will say something stupid or do something weird and he will start to question if I even know anything about him.” 

“Okay, you say you talk a lot, what do you talk about then? You would be able to find out more about him if that were the topic of the conversation.” Darcy raises an eyebrow at him and he hates that she knows him that well. 

“Well, we, uh. We - we talk about me, I guess,” Nick murmurs. 

“And what about you? Your hobbies?” He knows she’s taking the piss.

“Uh, we talked about the farm, and the land. He asked me to tell him something he doesn’t know about me and I told him that I was terrified of the future basically.” Darcy starts to say something, but Nick immediately shakes his head at her. “Nope, not gonna repeat that. But also we just talk a lot about us, I guess? It’s been three days and he’s told me that he appreciates me and thinks I’m hot more times than anyone else has ever done in my whole lifetime. He even told me that if I never wanted to kiss him, he never wanted to do it either.” Nick can’t help but blush, unable to look Darcy in the eye. 

“And how, pray tell, did that conversation come to be?” 

“I will not tell you that, I respect Charlie’s privacy!”

“Oh, it’s Charlie’s privacy you respect, huh?” Darcy stands up and shoots him a grin. Nick gets up too and pulls her into a hug. He clings to her, enjoying the smell of her deodorant and her hand stroking over his back in circles. 

She doesn’t say anything for a few seconds and just as Nick is about to pull away, Darcy starts talking. “I know you think you don’t deserve good things. I know you feel awful for lying, and I won’t tell you that it’s not bad, but you are in this situation now and you have to make the best of it. If trusting Charlie is good for you, you need to let it happen. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have a good life and I want you to remember that we will always be there for you. All of us.”

Darcy pulls away from their hug and Nick tries to hide his tears from her, but it’s no use. She gives him a gentle smile. “We will be with you every step of the way, okay? We will find a way out of this mess and if you get a real fiancé out of it, well, who are you to say no to that?”

Nick can’t help but pull her back into a second hug.

After he has stayed a bit longer at the pub, talking with Darcy while helping her get everything ready for the day, it’s already almost midday and Nick decides that it’s time to get back and face Charlie. He knows he’s being dramatic, but he’s also aware of the fact that except for his mum and himself, Charlie really doesn’t know anyone else at the moment. He’s been thrown into this new life, fed a bunch of lies and now he’s supposed to live his life as if he’s not gone through this huge life-altering thing only a few days ago. 

Back at the house, Nick is immediately greeted by Daisy when he steps out of the truck. It is not usual for her to be roaming around outside unsupervised, so he doesn’t really think anything of it. He’s just about to go inside, when he notices that the barn door is open just a tad so he decides to make a beeline for the building. Usually the cows are outside in the pasture at this time of the day, meaning nobody would be going in or out of the barn until way later when it’s time to bring them back in. 

He opens the door fully and is surprised when his eyes meet Charlie, who is sitting on the floor with Sprout, who is lying down beside him. Charlie is softly stroking her between her eyes and normally that sight would warm Nick’s heart, but the fact that Sprout is on the floor in the middle of the day causes him to panic instantly.

“Is she okay?” Nick is at their side within a few strides and kneels down on the other side of Sprout, looking into her eyes to try to figure out what’s going on with her. He knows he’s no veterinarian and maybe it’s all hocus pocus but he swears that the eyes really are the window to one's soul, he can always tell when something is wrong, especially with Sprout. 

“Nick,” Charlie says softly and lays his hand on Nick’s arm. “She’s alright, she just took a bit of a tumble, I guess she was really excited to be outside today and when I went to say hi to her with Daisy she got even more excited and literally stumbled over her own legs. She immediately got back up, I swear. I wouldn’t lie to you, especially not about something like that.” 

Nick says nothing and continues staring at her. He knows Charlie is telling him the truth, there is absolutely nothing in her eyes or face that even hints at her not being alright, she’s probably just a bit shocked and sleepy from all the commotion. 

But that’s not why he’s not looking at Charlie. The other man literally just told him without a second thought that he would never lie to Nick, and here Nick is, having lied to Charlie ever since the very first second he woke up. He thinks he might be sick, like actually throwing up all over the floor sick. 

He knows Charlie can tell that something is extremely wrong, he can feel him looking at him with pure panic in his eyes but Nick doesn’t know what to do. He can’t fucking move, he can’t fucking think, he can’t do anything but stare at Sprout. Nick is aware that his breathing is completely fucked up, with every breath he tries to take, it feels like absolutely no oxygen is getting into his lungs.

If he doesn’t get his shit together soon, he might actually throw up all over Charlie. Or maybe even pass out. 

Nick doesn’t know how much time passes, but suddenly he realises that he’s lying on the floor with his head in Charlie’s lap. Charlie is slowly carding one hand through his hair while speaking to him softly, but Nick can’t make out what he’s saying. All he can focus on is how good Charlie’s hands feel on him and that breathing feels a little easier than it had before.

Slowly, his surroundings come back into focus so he can finally hear what Charlie is saying. “You’re safe Nick, Sprout is safe, too. It was just a little tumble and she is perfectly fine, she is even standing up again. I wish you could see her. Can you come back to us so you can see? You’re doing so good, I can hear that your breathing has calmed down a lot, you are so fucking strong, do you know that?” 

At that, Nick makes a little sound of protest and Charlie gasps. “Can you hear me, darling?”

Nick nods, not trusting his voice just yet. 

“Oh god, I am so glad you’re back with me. I was so worried, like, I knew it was a panic attack and that it would pass, but you scared the shit out of me.” Charlie bends down and places a soft kiss on Nick’s forehead. Instead of pulling away immediately, he stays there for a while. “Thank god you’re okay. Do you wanna try to sit up?” Nick doesn’t want to leave the warmth of Charlie's lap but he knows he has to, so he nods. 

Together they get him to sit up and he can see that Sprout is indeed up and running around again as if nothing had happened at all. 

Charlie is watching him watch her. “We can still call Tara if you want? Just to make sure?” 

“No it’s okay. I trust you with her.” Nick turns to look at Charlie. “And like everything, in general I mean.”

“You should really eat and drink. Do you feel like you can walk for a bit?” 

“Yeah.” Nick feels a lot better by now and he’s sure he can manage the short distance to the house. If anything, what he really feels is embarrassment and an immense guilt towards Charlie. He literally had a panic attack because he has been lying to the other man for days and there’s no end in sight. He really is the worst kind of person.

Charlie stands up first and extends his hand to Nick, helping him get up. When they are both standing upright and Nick is sure that he’s not going to faint, he expects Charlie to let go of his hand, but he never does. Not on the way to the house, not while they are crossing the kitchen or going up the stairs, and not when they both plop down on the sofa next to each other. Instead, Charlie starts stroking his thumb over the back of his hand. “Hand holding is okay, too?” 

“Yeah, of course.” After all, it would be suspicious to say yes to hugging but no to hand holding, wouldn’t it? 

Charlie squeezes his hand. “Okay, food. Are you okay with a sandwich? I checked your, uh, our fridge this morning and I think there’s enough stuff for me to make you one. And I’m going to get you water and a coke, sugar is going to do you some good, darling.” 

Nick watches Charlie walk into the kitchen and, even though he’s glad to have some time to himself, he instantly misses the warmth of the other man’s hand. 

He can’t believe he had a full blown panic attack in front of him and Charlie is acting like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Not to say that it isn’t, but he has never had someone not freak out about it, let alone be so careful with him and know exactly what to do. Nick tries to use his alone time to come up with a plan on how to go from here, he can’t keep lying to Charlie like that but he also can’t just tell him the truth. That would not only destroy his home, but also their relationship. 

He tries to wrack his brain, to come up with anything that might get him out of this mess but if he’s being honest with himself he’s completely shattered. The panic attack had taken all of his energy from him and he feels like his brain is made of molasses, unable to form a single coherent thought. 

“You should be relaxing, not frowning like that,” Charlie says as he comes back into the room with a tray equipped with two sandwiches, two glasses of water and a bottle of coke. 

“I think we deserve a day like this, don’t you?”

Nick looks at Charlie questioningly. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Charlie grins. “A day where we don’t do anything but eat, watch Bake Off and cuddle.” 

Cuddling with Charlie sounds like the best thing Nick could ever ask for and it’s not only because he’s in the middle of coming down from a panic attack. He knows that technically they have done it before, but they were both asleep for like ninety percent of it and Nick feels hot all over at the thought of actually getting to feel Charlie pressed against him and to share his warmth. 

He hasn’t had the experience of just cuddling with someone without any ulterior motives in a long while. The last time he has been properly cuddled by someone that isn’t his dog was ages ago and not only that, it was also with a person he definitely doesn’t want to think about anymore. Not when he has the most gorgeous man in the world giving him puppy eyes. 

“That sounds like the best thing in the world, actually.” Nick didn’t mean to be so honest, but as ridiculous as it may sound given the current circumstances, he has a really hard time lying to Charlie when it comes to his feelings. 

Charlie gives him a huge smile and takes a bite of his sandwich, raising his eyebrows at Nick to get him to do the same. With Bake Off in the background they eat their sandwiches side by side, stealing secret glances at each other, but otherwise they don’t talk. When they are done, Nick moves to stand up to put their dishes away but Charlie dismisses him and tells him to choose a film he wants to watch instead. 

Nick queues up ‘Spider-Man: Homecoming’ and Charlie gives him an approving nod. “Oh! I liked Spiderman I think. Is it the one with Tobey Maguire or Andrew Garfield? I think I liked Andrew better, oh, and Emma Stone of course, she’s brilliant.”

Nick can’t help but start laughing uncontrollably, he knows Charlie is looking at him like he has lost his mind but he just can’t stop. “Nick,” Charlie grumbles. “Why is that so funny? Did Andrew get cancelled or something? Please don’t tell me he’s problematic, he’s so hot.” 

“Sweetheart,” Nick grins at Charlie. “He didn’t get cancelled, and you’re right, he’s totally hot. It’s just…, uh, there’s another Spiderman now.”

“What do you mean there’s another Spiderman? A third one? Why?”

“Uh, because they integrated him in the whole Marvel Universe and therefore just had to start the story again. Like, it’s still the same concept and everything. but Andrew or Tobey just wouldn’t have fit timeline wise, I guess?” 

Charlie shoots Nick a worried look.  “I haven’t watched any other Marvel movies. I only watched Spiderman because of Tori all those years ago before we both moved away from home.” 

“Yeah, I know. You don’t have to, if you know the concept of Spiderman that’s good enough. I’m happy to fill in some of the blanks for you, but it mostly works as a stand alone too, don’t worry.” 

“That also means you aren’t allowed to fall asleep, you know that right?” Charlie scoots closer to where Nick is sitting on the sofa and pulls the blanket that has been lying over one of the armrests over the both of them. “Also, did you know that it’s super important to share body heat after one has had a panic attack?”

Nick raises one eyebrow at him. “Oh, is that so?”

“Yep!” Charlie places a kiss on Nick’s cheek and gives him a shy smile. 

It’s little things like this that make Nick’s heart literally beat out of his chest. The small acts of affection Charlie shows him and the way he’s taking such good care of him, even though he knows it definitely should be the other way around. He should be the one making sure that Charlie is feeling comfortable in a place he’s literally never been in before. He should also be the one making sure that Charlie can get back to his old, real, life but that’s something he tries really hard not to think about. 

There will be a day when their little bubble will be burst, when all of his lies will blow up in his face and he will lose Charlie, he’s a hundred percent sure of it and even though he keeps telling himself that’s exactly why he’s not allowed to get attached, he has no idea if his heart will be able to listen to him for much longer. 

Before he can spiral even more, Charlie starts to settle in right next to him and puts his head on Nick’s shoulder, snuggling in the crook of his neck. Nick puts his arm around Charlie to pull him in even closer. He tries not to think about how this basically goes against everything he has just tried to tell himself and places a kiss into Charlie’s hair. 

“So, you remember Tom Holland though, don’t you?”

“Do I remember Tom Holland? I don’t think I could forget that gorgeous face even if I tried!” 

Charlie puts his arm around Nick’s waist and with his face already being so close to Nick’s neck, it sends a shiver down his spine. “Not as gorgeous as you though… I still don’t understand how I got so lucky.” 

Nick raises an eyebrow at him. “What do you mean?”

“It’s obvious isn’t it. Like, you are you and I am me.” Charlie gestures down his body and Nick can see that the smile he’s trying to put on is clearly fake. That’s when it hits Nick, in all of those days they have had together so far, Charlie has told him numerous times how hot he thinks he is and not once has Nick said anything in return. He was always way too stunned and anxious to even say thank you, let alone return the sentiment. 

Nick is the worst fake fiancé the world has ever seen. 

“Charlie,” Nick turns his body so he’s fully facing the other man and cradles Charlie’s face in his hands, not giving him a chance to look away even for a second. “Charlie, oh my god Charlie. Do you know how insanely hot you are? How attracted I am to you? The first time I laid eyes on you I thought I was losing my mind. There you were, looking like you were straight out of a magazine and even though you were acting like a bit-, oh… uh,” Nick clears his throat. “Even though you were acting a bit strange, I knew there was something special about you.” 

“I am so sorry I haven’t told you before, you have been showering me with compliments for the past few days and every time you did, I acted like a coward about it. But I am being a hundred percent honest when I say that you are handsome and beautiful and you are so fucking gentle it kind of drives me crazy sometimes. Honestly, you’re like every single dream come true, sweetheart.” Nick lets his right hand wander into Charlie’s hair and starts playing with it, making the other man sigh happily. “I wish there was a way to show you how serious I am.”

“There is,” Charlie mumbles quietly and looks up at him through his eye lashes. 

Nick swears he can feel his heart stop. He’s not stupid, he knows what Charlie is implying. Every single cell in his body is screaming at him to finally give in to the magnetic pull between them, to finally let Charlie kiss him, but he doesn’t move an inch. 

“Nick, please.” Charlie has put his arms around Nick’s neck in order to pull their faces closer. “Please, please let me.” 

To say that there are butterflies in Nick’s stomach would be the biggest understatement of the century. He feels like he’s about to cry, not because he’s sad or anything, but because he can’t believe that he gets to have Charlie like this. The fact that the other man sounds so desperate and willing to kiss him sends a shiver down his spine, one that races through his whole body and makes him feel like he might explode any second. 

He’s not moving, just looking at Charlie, whose face is so close that he can see the fine hairs on the top of his cheeks and the way his eyebrows wiggle a little while he looks at Nick. He lets his gaze wander down to Charlie’s lips and his stomach swoops. He is certain that there is no other place he would rather be.

“Please, I just can't stop thinking about it,” Charlie says again and the desperation in his voice is what finally does it for Nick. He slides his hands down the other man's body and wraps them around his waist, pulling him in so they are completely pressed against each other.

And then, he finally closes the gap between them.

As soon as their lips touch, Nick can feel himself relax completely, getting lost in the sensation of Charlie’s soft lips moving against his. There is no hurry, no urge to perform for the other person; it's just them gently moving together while Nick keeps one hand firmly on Charlie’s waist and lets the other one slide under the jumper he’s wearing. He doesn’t do anything with it, he just relishes in the feeling of getting to feel Charlie’s warm skin against his.

His heart stutters a bit at the way Charlie seems to be unable to stop a few happy noises from escaping his mouth while they kiss, so he just pulls him even closer while the other man runs his hands freely through Nick’s hair. 

Neither of them moves to deepen the kiss, but he slightly tugs on Charlie’s lower lip as he goes to pull away, and the moan that escapes Charlie’s mouth causes warmth to start pooling in Nick’s lower belly. He knows this isn’t about sex, and the fact that someone else is having this much of an effect on him and that Nick is able to make Charlie feel this good, without any added pressure, is causing another round of butterflies to erupt in his stomach. 

When he finally pulls away from Charlie, he can’t help but marvel at the way he is smiling at Nick and moves to peck his lips one last time. 

“That was perfect,” Charlie whispers and pulls Nick even closer, hiding his face in the crook of his neck. They don’t really speak for the next few minutes, the only sounds that can be heard are their breathing and Charlie snuggling deeper into Nick’s jumper, seemingly wanting to disappear into it. 

Chapter Text

-

But all I thought I knew has been turned upside down,

I don't have a clue what it means to drown,

and what I mean to you I never figure out,

-

Nick wakes up to an empty bed, which isn’t unusual, but considering what had happened yesterday he thought he would get to wake up with Charlie. Not that he had been hoping for it, it was just that it made sense in his head, that’s all. 

The second thing he notices is that his alarm hasn’t gone off yet, so it’s even weirder that Charlie is nowhere to be seen. He picks up his phone from the nightstand and when he sees that it’s shortly before five am, the time when his alarm is set to go off, he moves to get up, because there is no reason to just wait around for a few more minutes. He would much rather check on what Charlie is up to.

Suddenly, dread starts settling in his stomach. What if Charlie regrets what happened last night? What if he’s completely appalled by it and has run away? If he really has run away, he wouldn’t even know where to go, considering he has no phone or ID and doesn’t know the area at all. Except maybe the spot where they had their date not date , so Nick decides that’s the first place where he’s going to look for him. 

Before he can even sit up properly, the bedroom door opens and Charlie carefully makes his way inside, causing Nick to breathe a sigh of relief; he can’t believe that he allowed himself to spiral like that just because Charlie was gone for less than five minutes. 

Charlie doesn’t seem to notice that Nick is awake, so Nick flicks on the fairy lights that are strung along behind the headboard, which seems to startle the other man.

“Oh god!” 

“Not god, just Nick.” He gives Charlie a gentle smile and lays back down again. 

Charlie sends him a soft smile in return and makes his way over to the bed to get under the covers with him. When he’s successful, he slides over to Nick’s side and presses his entire body against his. “Good. I happen to be quite fond of just Nick.” He presses a kiss against the corner of Nick’s mouth. “I didn’t want to wake you, sorry, just had to go pee.”  

“That’s alright, it was just weird to wake up without you. And… uhm, I mean my alarm is going to go off in a few minutes anyway.” 

Charlie giggles quietly, throws one of his legs over Nick’s and puts his arm around his waist. “Can you shut it off now and we can just snuggle for a few more minutes?” He then buries his head in the crook of Nick’s neck and it’s like Nick’s brain immediately goes offline. The kind of feelings Charlie evokes in him are unreal—it’s like lightning going through his body again and again, but in the best way possible. 

He’s sure that he has never cared about anyone this deeply, and if he’s being honest with himself, he probably will never feel like this again. It’s a scary thing to admit to himself, but the knowledge that nothing real will ever come from this manages to starve off another full blown panic attack. As long as he can get through the next few weeks and let down Charlie gently he will be fine. Everything will be fine and he can go back to his old life with his mum and Daisy. 

After all, a broken heart can’t be as bad as a lost home. 

“I’m sorry, I need to get up. We can’t disappoint Sprout, can we?” 

Charlie fake gasps. “Oh no, we can’t! Can’t have her thinking we dislike her or something. She is my favourite after all, but don’t you dare tell the others.” 

“I won’t,” Nick says and quickly presses a kiss into Charlie’s hair. “You don’t have to come with me, I won’t be long and you look so cuddly like that all wrapped up in my bed.”

If Charlie notices Nick saying my instead of our bed, he doesn’t let it show. Instead, he sighs and burrows his head in Nick’s pillow, inhaling. Thinking about Charlie surrounded by his scent makes Nick’s head spin and he coughs a little in order not to say anything inappropriate. 

“I’m coming, I’m coming.” Charlie gently gets up and rounds the bed to open the blackout curtains. “I won’t go outside with you though, it looks fucking cold and I need to stay warm a bit longer. I’ve got to look after myself since you don’t want to share your body heat with me.”

Charlie looks at him expectantly, but Nick is rendered speechless, unable to move or say anything. He is trying to make his brain work, but all he’s able to focus on is the fact that Charlie is wearing one of his old rugby jerseys from Leeds, all whilst acting like it’s no big deal. Nick can’t help focusing on the way his number and last name are splayed all over Charlie’s back and it sends a rush of warmth all through his body. For a second he lets himself think about what it would have been like if they had met at uni: how they would have been infatuated with each other from the get go, with Charlie coming to all of Nick’s games, cheering him on and showing the world that he was his. It almost brings tears to his eyes to imagine what he could have had with this wonderful boy standing right in front of him; how different his life could have turned out to be if he had just met Charlie earlier. 

“Nick?” Charlie raises one eyebrow at him.

Nick still doesn’t say anything, continuing to stare dumbly at Charlie.

He has always known that he had a thing for his partners wearing his clothes, but seeing Charlie wearing his name proudly like that is doing things to him that he can’t even begin to explain. He’s never felt his heart beat as fast as it is right now, and if he’s being honest with himself all he really wants to do is drag Charlie back to bed and say fuck you to all the other things that are going on around them. 

Charlie takes a look out the window, trying to figure out if there’s anything out there that Nick could be staring at, but when he turns around he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror next to the door. “Oh. Oh Nick. ” His voice is barely more than a whisper and it sends another shiver down Nick’s spine. 

“Do you like me wearing your jersey?” Charlie starts making his way over to where Nick is standing and stops just a few inches away from him. “I got my shirt wet earlier when I was washing my hands and changed into it because it was on the bathroom floor. Didn’t really think anything of it, but your reaction tells me that you’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

He quirks one eyebrow at him and takes one last step closer so their bodies are finally touching. “Do you like claiming me ? I never took you for the possessive type, you know.” 

“Charlie, please, I need you to be quiet for a second.” Nick’s voice is barely more than a whisper.

Charlie puts his hands on Nick’s shoulders and squeezes them. “Well, why don’t you make sure I am quiet?”

Yesterday, Nick had promised himself that the kissing was a one time only thing, but right now his head is spinning so badly with want that he can’t focus on anything but showing Charlie just how much he likes what he’s seeing. Charlie’s face is so close to his own and he can smell the shampoo he had used last night, which also happens to be Nick’s shampoo. The morning light hits his face just right and when Charlie wets his lips, Nick decides that he has seen enough and just shuts his brain off completely.  

Wrapping his hands around Charlie’s waist, he pulls them flush against each other. After looking at the other man one last time, he crashes their lips together and Charlie lets out another soft sigh while reciprocating the kiss with as much enthusiasm as possible. This kiss is unlike the one yesterday, which was gentle and the result of days of dancing around each other.—Instead, it’s full of want, and the urge to be as close to each other as possible. He puts every little thing that he is feeling into the kiss, hoping that Charlie will understand just how much he means to him, even though he will probably never be able to say it out loud. 

When it’s over, Nick rests his forehead against Charlie’s and laughs. “You’re a menace, you know that?”

“Well, I was afraid you weren't ever going to kiss me again,” Charlie mumbles. “Who knew wearing your name on my back would make you act like this?”

“As if you didn’t know exactly what you were doing.” Nick places one last lingering kiss on Charlie’s lips. “Come on, I’ve got a matching jumper to go with it.” He grabs Charlie’s hand and pulls him in the direction of his wardrobe. 

🐄

Fifteen minutes later, after Nick has watched Charlie put on his jumper and tried not to lose his mind even more at the sight of it, he’s entering the barn. For what feels like the first time in ages, he’s finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. As much as he likes spending time with Charlie, Nick also feels like every time he’s around him he just can’t think properly. 

Charlie already takes up so much of his thoughts, and when they are spending time with each other it’s even worse—it’s like all of his rational thoughts fly straight out of his head and the only thing that matters is figuring out how to be as close to him as possible and how to make sure he’s happy and safe. 

“Good morning, my lovelies,” Nick says while letting his gaze wander over the cows in front of him. “I’ve missed you and I’m sorry I haven’t been spending as much time with you lately. There’s… uh, yeah, a lot has been going on I guess,” he laughs while making his way over to the hose to fill their troughs with fresh water.

While doing so, he comes to a stop right in front of Sprout and gives her a warm smile. “I think you know best what has been distracting me lately, huh?” She blinks at him slowly and releases a loud sigh. “Yeah, I agree. He really is a wonderful person. But don’t think for a second that I am not still mad at you for scaring the shit out of me yesterday!” 

She bows her head in response and Nick knows that he is lying, of course he’s not mad at anyone, and least of all at Sprout. The only person he’s really mad at is himself, for being so wrapped up into the whole Charlie thing and kind of neglecting the animals lately. 

But if it wasn’t for Charlie, god knows what could have happened if he hadn’t been there to look after Sprout while Nick was gone.

“I’m kidding,” Nick says and starts scratching her in between her eyes. “You just gave us all a huge fright, do you know that?” Sprout just keeps staring at him with her big brown eyes and Nick’s insides melt a bit. “Thank god Charlie was there to keep you company, he is a bit like an angel sent from heaven, isn’t he?”

Sprout just sighs and cants her head into his touch.

“Yeah, he really is. I don’t think I have ever met someone quite like him, it’s like my whole life has been turned upside down ever since he first stepped foot on this property.” Nick decides to abandon what he’s doing and sits down in the hay next to Sprout, who follows suit and lies down beside him. “I, uh… god, you don’t even know how much I wish we could have met under different circumstances. I could have wooed the shit out of him and taken him on dates and bought him flowers without having to think about the fact that I am lying to him the whole damn time.” 

“I don’t wanna lie to him, I really don’t want to. With every new lie I have to tell him I really feel like the worst person on this planet, but what am I supposed to do? I can’t clear things up or it’s only going to get worse. I need to think about mum, I need to keep her safe and there is no universe in which losing this home wouldn’t kill her. I-, “ Nick can feel tears starting to stream down his face but he’s not doing anything to stop them. “I know it would kill her, no matter how strong she’s acting, it’s all a facade. I promised Robin to keep her safe, I promised on his goddamn death bed and there is no way I would break that promise. I already fucked up so many things in life and mum is literally the only thing left that is keeping me sane. She has always stuck by me, even through the worst of times, I can’t let her down.” He’s full on crying by now while Sprout is trying to weasel even closer to him. “If I let her down, I think it would kill me too. I honestly think it would.”

Nick takes the sleeves of his jumper to wipe the wetness from his eyes, but he can’t seem to make it go away. The tears just keep on coming and the more he thinks about the whole situation he is in, the more they are starting to flow. He just feels like the worst person on earth right now. It's tearing his heart open to think about what he’s doing to Charlie—one of the most wonderful people he ever had the privilege of meeting—and he doesn’t know if there is anything that can put it back together. 

“And then there’s the fact that I think I’m in love with him, or I’m at least more than halfway there already.” Sprout doesn’t say anything, of course she doesn’t, but the look in her eyes tells Nick that she understands him more than he’d like. He gives her a small smile and uses some hay to blow his nose, since there is literally nothing else he can use and he knows he can’t go back inside the house looking like this. 

Charlie would instantly know that something is up as soon as he sees his bloodshot eyes and snotty nose and what is he supposed to say then? Oh yeah no big deal, I just trauma dumped on one of the cows, don’t worry about it. Anyway, what's for breakfast?

Nick shakes his head at himself, deciding that he really needs to get a grip. He needs to see whatever is happening now through to the end; there is literally no other option anymore. And if that means he will be left with a broken heart, so be it. It’s not like he hasn’t gone through it before. He tries his best not to think about the fact that losing Charlie will probably be the thing that destroys him for good. 

So, he gets up and does his best to act normal while finishing up feeding the cows, also paying a visit to the chickens to do the same and collect their eggs. When he steps into the kitchen half an hour later, he is greeted once again by the gut wrenching sight of Charlie’s backside, now adorned by Nick’s Leeds rugby jumper. Nick’s mum is standing next to him and together they seem to be preparing breakfast for the three of them while talking to each other quietly. 

The jumper is even bigger on him than the shirt was, since Nick himself already likes a more oversized fit, therefore Charlie has had to push the sleeves up to his elbows. Nick can’t stop thinking about what it would look like if he would let the sleeves fall over his hands. He imagines what it would feel like to intertwine their fingers with the jumper covering up what they’re doing, hiding their intimacy from prying eyes so they can enjoy being close to each other, just the two of them. 

Warmth starts spreading throughout his whole body at the sight, and he can’t stop himself from picturing his life if this was real and Charlie was just as much part of this family as Nick is. Like a second son to his mum. He knows that Sarah would have adored him from the first second he introduced Charlie to her, loving him with every fibre of her being and ganging up with him to make fun of Nick together. They could have been the ultimate dream team: just the three of them against the world. 

It would have been like a constant ray of sunshine moving into the farmhouse with them and keeping him not only warm, but happy and ecstatic to be alive all year round. Nick can see it so clearly, spending the rest of his life with Charlie by his side, cooking together with his mum, feeding the animals, meeting up with their friends and going on endless dates at the lake. Taking him to town and showing him off to everyone, not caring if they want to hear about it or not. And maybe one day they would have extended their family with not only Daisy, but kids of their own. 

Nick is certain they would have been each other's ride or die forever.

“There you are!” Charlie’s voice suddenly interrupts his train of thought and he gives him a gentle smile. “I missed you.” 

“It’s only been an hour or so, sweetheart.” Nick says and Charlie starts to protest, but suddenly Sarah’s hand is on his shoulder and Nick freezes, realising that he has not told her anything about the new developments between them. She is surely going to be disappointed for letting himself get so wrapped up in his feelings. After all, this is the complete opposite of what he is supposed to be doing. He’s supposed to be saving their home, literally the most important thing in his mother’s life. 

He opens his mouth to say something, but Sarah sends him the most gentle smile. “Let him get excited Nicky, it’s like he’s rediscovering love, don’t you think?” He isn’t sure if Charlie notices it too, but Nick immediately catches onto the fact that she is definitely not only talking about one of them. 

He knows that she’s hinting to his past too, and while she is completely right in thinking that Charlie might be able to restore his faith in love, he can’t quite believe it took her less than five minutes to notice what’s happening between them and, more importantly, the emotional turmoil going on inside of him.

“Mum, please.” He’s trying to convey to her that he’s definitely not ready to talk about this right now, not in front of Charlie, and maybe not ever. 

“Sorry, sorry. I’m just saying that it’s nice to see you happy, the both of you.” She shoots a quick look at Charlie. “Not that you weren’t happy before, but this is different.” 

Before Nick can say anything, Charlie clears his throat. “I… uh, well I don’t know, obviously. But it feels different to me too. I can’t put my finger on it, that might be quite obvious, again,” he laughs “But even though I have literally gone through the worst thing possible just a few days ago, I feel at peace.” 

Nick can’t stop tears from welling up in his eyes again as he looks at Charlie, who is still standing next to his mum, with his body now fully turned to face Nick. He’s nervously playing with the hem of his jumper, but he’s staring right at Nick, and a wave of affection once again surges through Nick’s body. He feels like it doesn’t matter that they have only known each other for a few days, he’s so attuned to Charlie’s feelings and emotions that he wants nothing more than to see him safe and happy forever. Before he knows it, Nick makes his way over to where Charlie is standing and takes his hand. “I think we’re going to be okay.” He tries to keep his voice steady while looking right at Charlie, who’s wiping away the wetness from underneath Nick’s eyes. 

After that, the three of them eat their breakfast in relative silence, with only the radio playing in the background, but it’s not uncomfortable at all. They make some small talk here and there, with Sarah telling them that she’s planning on visiting Darcy later on in the day, but otherwise they are just happy enjoying each other's company for now. 

Nick couldn’t be more delighted by the fact that his mum and Charlie seem to get along so well; it really feels like they have all known each other for years. It makes his heart flutter a bit and he reaches over to where Charlie is sitting and puts his hand on his thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze. Charlie looks over and raises his eyebrows at him but Nick just gives him a warm smile in return, which seems to be enough for the other man to return his focus back to his food. 

When they are finished, Nick feeds Daisy whilst Charlie does the washing up. His mum has disappeared, so Nick feels a little bit more comfortable getting closer to Charlie. He stands next to him at the sink and lets one of his hands wander to the back of his neck, where he starts lightly carding through Charlie’s curls. The other man sighs softly. “That feels nice.” 

“I was thinking, do you want to come and fix a fence with me today? For real this time.” His hands are still in Charlie’s hair, so he’s able to not only hear but also feel him laughing. “We need to move the cows to another pasture soon, in order to give the current one a bit of a break and for the grass to regenerate before winter comes, but there’s a hole in it. We can’t have Sprout escaping, and I thought today was a good day for it since it’s supposed to get pretty warm.”

“Depends, are you going to get all dirty and sweaty?” Charlie raises his eyebrows at him. 

“Maybe, I can’t promise anything though, it’s still the end of September in England.” Charlie pouts and this time it’s Nick’s turn to laugh. “If you want I can put on a vest underneath my jumper, just in case.” 

Charlie shoots him a huge grin and nods contently which causes Nick to place a quick kiss on his temple. He knows he really needs to cut back on the casual displays of affection, for both of their sakes, but today is not the day. He already feels vulnerable enough from this morning and Charlie probably feels the same. If he suddenly completely stopped touching him, it would do more harm than good.

“You finish the washing up and I’m going to change and get all the stuff we need, okay? I don’t think we will be gone for too long, but you can pack some bottles of water just in case.” Charlie nods in response. 

When Nick comes back out of the shed with his toolbox and some wooden boards fifteen minutes later, Charlie is already leaning against his car with Daisy by his side. As soon as he notices him, a huge smile starts spreading over his face. “So, did you keep your promise?” 

Instead of a response, Nick just puts the box down in front of Charlie’s feet and raises an eyebrow at him. He makes him wait for a moment before starting to lift his jumper up to show Charlie that he is indeed wearing a white vest underneath. “Happy?”

“Very happy!” Charlie grins and claps his hands together, before squinting at the cloudy sky. “Now the only thing left to do is pray that mother nature also wants me to see those delicious arms up close.” 

Nick starts making his way over to the drivers’ side and gets in. “Come on you menace, get in the car so we can get this party on the road.” Charlie starts to open his mouth, but Nick knows exactly what he is going to say. “Yes, Daisy can sit up front with you.”

Charlie grins once more and happily hops into the passenger seat with Daisy following suit. “So, is it far?” 

“No, only like ten minutes or so. We could have walked, but something tells me you would have complained all the way there.”

“Hey!” Nick raises an eyebrow at him. “Okay, yeah, you’re right. But still.” 

A few minutes into the drive, Charlie places his hand on Nick’s thigh and Nick tries really hard not to show him how affected he is by this simple gesture, instead just shooting him a grateful smile. 

Nick turns the radio on and looks at Charlie. “Wait, so, you probably don’t know any of the popular music right now, do you?”

“Uh, I don’t think so. But it can’t be that different can it?” He listens for a minute before gasping. “Wait! Wait, wait, wait. Okay, promise not to laugh at me?” Nick nods. “Okay, uh… so, are One Direction still on hiatus?” 

Nick can’t stop a laugh from escaping him and Charlie shoots him a disappointed look. “Don’t be mean! You promised not to laugh.”

“I’m so sorry sweetheart, I tried but I really couldn’t help it. That was utterly adorable and I didn’t laugh at you, it was more laughing with you I promise. But anyway, yeah they are, I’m sorry.” Nick tries to look at Charlie, while still keeping an eye on the road, and the other man looks genuinely distraught at the news.

“Shit. This might be even worse than me not remembering that we’re engaged.” Charlie grumbles. 

“Oi!” Now it’s Nick’s turn to complain, but he knows Charlie doesn’t really mean it. He actually finds Charlie’s reaction to the news extremely endearing, and his heart swells a few sizes while thinking of teenage Charlie being completely obsessed with the boy band. Not that Nick can’t relate: his mum made him watch the exact X-Factor season the boys had been cast on and he has kept up with them and their solo careers ever since. Darcy even wanted to get them all tickets for Harry’s last tour, but Nick felt too bad about going to London and leaving his mum all by herself for more than a day. 

“It’s adorable and I am not judging you at all I swear. We can listen to them on our way back, if you want.” 

“Yes please.” 

They arrive only a few minutes later. Nick parks next to the pasture door and gets out of the car with both Charlie and Daisy right on his heels. He carries the toolbox and the wood while Charlie grabs the bottles of water he brought and they both follow Daisy into the piece of land, who is happily running around and trying to explore every little inch of it. 

“The hole in the fence is just over here.” Nick points to a spot on his right and Charlie nods, walking with him to where they need to get to. “It shouldn't be too much work, to be honest. We just need to remove the rotten wood and replace them with some new boards to make sure none of the cows will be able to break through.” He looks at Charlie suggestively. “Do you wanna help? Or do you wanna watch?” 

“Hmmm, how about I hand you stuff and otherwise I think I will just appreciate the view.” He looks down at Nick, who is by now crouching on the ground, trying to figure out which boards need to go and which can stay. Nick might have deliberately put on one of his tighter pairs of jeans, but he’s definitely not gonna tell Charlie that. 

“As your highness wishes. Can you hand me the pliers first? I need to get the nails out first, so I can remove the bad stuff.”

Nick keeps looking at the fence, trying to figure out why it was only this part of it that has started to rot and the rest has stayed the same as last year. Meanwhile, Charlie has sat down next to him and is holding the pliers up expectantly.

He shoots Charlie a grateful smile and takes them from him before starting to remove the nails one by one. It’s a bit of a tough process, but with the wood not being in the best shape anymore it’s fairly painless and he gets the job done quickly. He hands every piece of wood he removes to Charlie, who neatly stacks them up next to him so they can take them back home with them and use them for the fireplace after they have dried out a bit. 

They both work in silence for a few minutes until they are suddenly interrupted by Nick’s phone ringing. “Can you grab it please? My hands are kind of full.” Nick asks Charlie while still staring at the damn fence. “It’s in my left back pocket.”

“Uh, so, you just want me to reach in there? Are you sure?” Charlie stammers and Nick is suddenly overcome with a wave of affection for the other man. As much as Charlie likes to act all teasing and confident, Nick loves the way he still gets all shy and blushy around him. 

“Yes, Charlie. I mean, if you don’t want to use this opportunity to sneakily touch my bum I can also do it myself…” Nick trails off and laughs at the way Charlie has turned completely red.

“No! No, I can do it. Absolutely no problem.” The phone is still ringing, but all Nick can focus on is the feeling of Charlie’s hand against his ass while he tries to fumble his phone out of his pocket. It takes him a few tries to get it out and Nick can’t suppress a shudder while thinking about what his hand would feel like if there were no trousers separating them from Nick’s bare skin.

Suddenly, the phone is right in Nick’s face, making the sound even louder and more annoying. “Shit yeah.” He shoots Charlie a grateful smile and takes it from him, picking up without even looking at the caller id.

“Hello?”

“Salut, Nicholas!” Nick’s blood runs cold as soon as he realises it’s his father on the other end of the line. “J’pensais pas que t’allais répondre.” (I didn't think you would answer.)

Nick doesn’t say anything for a moment. He hasn’t spoken to his dad in ten bloody years. What the fuck? 

He clears his throat. “Well, yeah,” he starts in English, quickly realising his dad will definitely not appreciate it. “J’ai pas vraiment vérifié le numéro appelant, j’suppose.” (I didn't check the caller ID, I guess.)

Nick is still facing away from Charlie but he can clearly hear his sharp intake of breath as soon as Charlie realises that Nick is speaking French and he can’t stop a small smile from appearing on his lips.“Qu’est-ce que j’peux faire pour toi?” (Anyways, how can i help you?) He is trying to keep his tone as neutral as possible, not keen on letting his father know just how much talking to him freaks him out. 

“J’ai pas le droit d’appeler mon garçon seulement pour lui parler?” (Can’t I just call to catch up with my son?) Stephané asks and Nick chooses not to say anything. “Okay, j’suis désolé. Je sais que ça fait un bon bout de temps depuis qu’on s’est parlé.” (Okay, sorry. I know it’s been a while since we last spoke.) Understatement of the year. “Donc j’me disais, j’vais être à Londres la semaine prochaine et je pensais aller te voir?” (So I was thinking, I’m going to be in London next week and I wanted to come up and see you?)

“Quoi?” (What?) Nick can’t believe what he’s hearing. Not only has his father not once tried to contact him in the past ten years, he’s definitely never been to the farm, let alone ever given any indications that he even knew where he and his mum were living. 

“Écoute, je sais que c'est peut-être bizzare à entendre, mais j'ai des choses qui se passent dans ma vie présentement et j'apprécierais si vous pouviez m'écouter. Ta mère et toi. J'en ai déjà parlé avec David et il croit que c'est une bonne idée.” (Listen, I know this might sound weird to you. But there’s some stuff happening in my life right now and I would appreciate it a lot if you could hear me out. You and your mother both. I’ve already talked to David and he thinks it’s a good idea.)

“Ne me mentionne pas cette ordure à nouveau, t’as compris?” (Don’t ever mention that piece of shit to me again, you understand?) Being confronted with both his dad and brother in one day was honestly way too much for Nick and he could feel a full on headache coming on. 

“J’suis désolé. J’suis tellement désolé, Nicholas.” (I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Nicholas) They both don’t say anything for a few seconds and Nick can feel Charlie staring and shifting around behind him, but he can’t bring himself to turn around, not yet. 

“Peu importe. Pourquoi tu veux soudainement venir ici?” (Whatever, why do you want to come over?)

“Comme j’ai dit, j’ai des… nouvelles. Puis, j’crois que ce serait mieux de te les partager en personne.” (As I said, there are some… news. And I feel like it’s best to share them in person.) Nick can hear how uncomfortable his dad was, rightfully so and it brings him some satisfaction to realise that he isn’t the only one who is affected by this conversation. 

“D’accord. Quand?” (Alright, fine. When?)

“Dans trois jours? Donc, vendredi?” (In three days? So, Friday?)

“Ouais, d’accord. Peu importe,” (Okay fine, whatever,) is all Nick can bring himself to say before ending the call without even waiting if his dad had anything else to say. He lets his phone fall to the floor and makes no move to pick it up again. He just keeps staring straight ahead at the wooden board that had been giving him troubles for the last few minutes before his phone had rang. 

Nick can’t believe his dad’s audacity. He literally had made no move to contact Nick even once in the past ten years, not when his step-dad died or when he had to move out of London, but now on a random Tuesday he suddenly decides to play nice? What the actual fuck? He shakes his head and finally turns around, coming face to face with Charlie who is looking at him carefully.

“Are you okay? That sounded intense.”

“I honestly don’t know.” Charlie takes Nick’s hand in his and Nick gives him a grateful smile, the touch making him feel a little better. “That was my dad.” 

Charlie squeezes his hand and gives him a small smile. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No, I mean yes. I don’t know, probably. It’s just… this is the first time we’ve talked. In ten years.” 

“Ten years?” Charlie gasps and the sound actually makes Nick laugh a bit. 

“Yeah. Uhm, anyway, he wants to come visit on Friday. Says he needs to tell us something and it’s better to do it in person. I have no idea what it could be, honestly.” Nick waits for a bit before continuing. “I’m terrified actually.”

“Oh darling .” Charlie scoots closer to Nick and puts one arm around his waist. The position is a bit tricky with both of them sitting on the hard floor, but having Charlie so close makes Nick feel instantly better. He takes Charlie’s legs and puts them over his own so Charlie is pressed to Nick’s right side and they are way closer to each other than before. Nobody says anything, so Nick just buries his head in the crook of Charlie's neck and wraps both of his arms around him while he lets Charlie stroke his hair. “It’s going to be alright. Your mum is going to be there, I’m going to be there.”

They both don’t say anything after that, just holding onto each other and relishing in each other’s warmth. Nick can’t believe that Charlie is so willing to take care of him, for the second day in a row, when he is the one who got hurt just a few days ago. The roles should be reversed, but Nick can’t help but let himself enjoy the way Charlie is clinging to him and making his heart beat faster than anyone had ever done before. Maybe it’s because he knows that he won’t get to have Charlie like this forever that he lets himself enjoy it a bit longer.

After what could have been an hour, but was probably more like ten minutes, Nick starts slowly peeling away from Charlie. “Thank you.”

“There is absolutely nothing you have to thank me for, darling.” Charlie hesitates for a moment. “You do have some explaining to do.”

Nick starts panicking at this, definitely not ready to talk about his dad yet and Charlie must see the look on his face because he instantly starts to soften and squeezes Nick’s hand. “Not about your dad, not yet, not ever if you don’t want to.”

Nick breathes a sigh of relief. “What is it then?”

“The fact that you speak French, like fluently??” A blush starts spreading across Charlie’s face as he says it and Nick’s heart skips a beat at the sight. 

“Yeah, I mean sort of. My dad is French and he basically only speaks to me in French. I’m a bit rusty since we obviously haven’t spoken in a while, but yeah…” 

Nick is waiting for Charlie to say something, but the other man is just looking at him like Nick suddenly grew three heads or something. “What?”

“Oh, nothing, absolutely nothing. That’s just interesting isn’t it.” Charlie says and tries to pull his hand away.

Nick just tightens his grip. “Oh god. Wait… do you happen to like the fact that I speak French?”

“Oh.. it’s fine.” Charlie chuckles and gets even redder in the face. “It’s cool, I guess.” 

“Cool, you say?” Nick pulls Charlie closer to him and leans his forehead against his. “So what, you are completely unaffected by it, mon amour ?”

Since they are so close to each other, Nick can feel the tension leaving Charlie’s body and a quiet giggle escapes him. “You are so cringe, do you know that?” His voice is barely more than a whisper.

“I don’t think you’re cringing. The way you are blushing is telling me something completely different.” 

The air between them is filled with electricity and Nick is waiting for Charlie to say something, anything, but instead Charlie just crushes their lips together. It’s their third kiss within less than twenty-four hours and Nick thinks he will never get used to the feeling of Charlie’s lips against his. He feels like he is floating to a place somewhere far away from here, where, if he could only have this and nothing else for the rest of his life, he would die the happiest man on earth. 

Before Charlie came along, Nick used to think that relationships had to be complicated and complex, but being with Charlie feels as easy as breathing, even with the dark cloud of lies looming over his head.

But he once again decides to just push it aside and lets himself get lost in Charlie and the way he tastes. The way they are moving together feels like a well rehearsed dance, one they have been dancing for years, even though they have known each other for less than a week. Nick knows that he has never felt so comfortable with someone, because Charlie feels like home, much more than any actual house ever could. And even though it scares the fuck out of him, there is no doubt in his mind that they were meant to meet, even if was under such messed up circumstances. 

Their kissing feels all consuming to Nick, like a wave taking him under again and again but instead of wanting to come up for air, he wants it to go on for as long as possible. Unfortunately, oxygen does seem to become a problem a few minutes later and Charlie reluctantly starts pulling away. 

“If I had known you’d act like this, I would have revealed my French skills much earlier.” Nick giggles and this time it’s Charlie’s turn to hide his face in the crook of Nick’s neck. 

“Shut the fuck up, that’s unfair.”

Nick places one last lingering kiss into Charlie’s hair and slowly starts untangling them from each other. “Come on, let’s finish this so we can go back home.”

“You’re right,” Charlie sighs and looks up to the sky, which looks even cloudier than it did when they left. “I guess there’s no chance of me seeing you in that vest today, is there?” 

“Probably not, but maybe that’s for the best, I don’t wanna overwhelm you even further.”

“Oi, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to see what my fiancé has to offer!”

Nick just laughs and turns back around, trying not to let the word fiancé settle in his stomach uncomfortably. 

It takes them maybe another hour or so to finish fixing the fence. Unfortunately for Charlie, Nick doesn’t get hot enough to take his jumper off and even though Charlie keeps on complaining to no end, it’s obvious that it’s all in a joking and loving manner. 

When they are back in the car, Charlie immediately snatches up Nick’s phone and goes to open Spotify, looking for a One Direction playlist to put on and they both sing along to the songs all the way back to the farm. It makes Nick’s heart flutter to see Charlie this happy and he can’t stop wondering what had happened to him to turn him into the bitter and angry Charlie he met before the accident. There is no way that version of Charlie was the real one, and Nick knows that if he ever finds out what happened, he will do everything in his power to make sure it can never harm him again.

“Do you mind if I go and take a nap? I know I haven’t done much, but I feel absolutely knackered.” Charlie asks and dramatically drapes himself over Nick’s sofa, which makes him laugh. 

“Absolutely not, you can take as much time as you need,” Nick says. “I’m gonna go check if mum is still here to talk to her about what my father said. God, she’s gonna hate it as much as I do. Come find me when you wake up, okay?” Charlie sends him a soft smile and nods. “Sleep well, sweetheart.” 

Nick turns around and closes the door connecting the living room and the hallway. For a second he just stands there, wondering what the fuck he’s even doing, but there is no turning back anyway, he’s dug himself into a hole and now he has to get his shit together and deal with it. 

A few minutes later he finds his mum on the sofa downstairs with Daisy, who has also decided to take a nap. 

“The fence is fixed.” Sarah sends him a smile and nods, focusing back on the TV that’s playing but she looks back at him when he uncomfortably clears his throat. “There’s something I need to talk to you about though.” 

“If this is about you and Charlie I want you to know that it’s none of my business, I just like seeing you two happy and I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped earlier.” His mum turns off the TV and he sits down on the sofa beside her, careful not to disturb Daisy. 

“No, that’s not it. I mean yes, that too, and thank you for saying that, but it’s not about Charlie. Not really.” 

This seems to grab his mum’s attention. “What is it, darling?”

“Dad called.” 

For a few seconds, nobody moves and Nick thinks she maybe hasn’t heard him, but suddenly there’s a furious look in her eyes. “I see. What did your father want?” 

Nick clears his throat again and shifts around for a second. “Uh, he… he wants to come over. On Friday.”

“Sorry, what? For a second I thought you said he wanted to come here, our home . But that can’t be true, can it?” Her face is completely blank and Nick thinks he has never seen her like that, not even when they had told him and David about the divorce, she was always trying to be pleasant about the whole thing. 

“Yeah, he said he had some, uhm… news for us and he thinks it’s best to tell us in person. I honestly have no idea what it is, but he also said.. he said that David also thinks it’s a good idea.” 

“David? Oh, great, that sounds delightful doesn’t it.” His mum’s relationship with David isn’t as bad as his own. Nick knows that they still talk quite regularly and that he is mostly nice to her, but he also knows that his mum is aware of David’s world views and that it’s are a very sore subject when it comes to dealing with him. 

“Do you have any idea what it could be about?” Nick tries not to sound too hopeful, but any indication of what his father wants would help him prepare for facing him again after so many years. 

“I don’t, sorry darling.” His mum says and takes his hand in hers, giving it a light squeeze. “But whatever it is, we will be facing it together, okay? Don’t believe for a second that I will leave you alone with him, absolutely not. You’ve got me every step of the way, and Charlie too.”

Charlie, oh god Charlie . Nick’s dad obviously doesn’t even know about him. What is he supposed to tell him? Make up another lie about how Charlie is just a roommate and pretend like nothing is wrong? 

Sarah must be able to sense his distress, because she squeezes his hand even harder in order to make him look at her. “This doesn’t change anything, we will tell him that Charlie is your partner and that’s it. If he doesn’t realise that there is no reason why you should have told him about Charlie earlier then that’s his problem, not yours.” 

Nick knows that she is right, he doesn’t want to turn Charlie into a dirty little secret if he doesn’t need to and it’s not like his father doesn’t know that he’s bisexual. He’s very well aware of it, even though he loved to pretend that he had no idea when they were still talking regularly. It’s just that he doesn’t want Charlie to have to face him, unsure of how Stephané will react if he’s face to face with an actual male partner of his. Not that he thinks he will say anything, not really, but he’s very good at derogatory remarks and passive aggressiveness. 

“Yeah, okay. We will get through it together.” He squeezes her hand back and gives her what he hopes is a reassuring smile.

“There is one more thing though, Nicky.” Nick raises his eyebrows at her but doesn’t say anything. “I want you to ask him for the money he has owed you for the past fifteen years.” 

Nick starts to protest, but Sarah fixes him with a gentle glare. “Before you say anything, I know you don’t want to deal with that and you don’t want to ask him for any favours. But it’s not a favour, he literally took money that is legally yours and never gave it back. And we need it baby, we really do, you know that just as well as I do.”

“And to be honest, he’s put you through hell and back ever since he left us, so it’s the least he can do. I know he won’t ever admit it, but he owes us and we really really need it, even if the bank might leave us alone for now, it won’t stay that way forever.” 

Nick sighs and tries to stop tears from welling up in his eyes. Logically speaking he knows that his mum is right, she always is, but every cell in his body is screaming at him to not accept anything from his father, no matter if it’s legally his or not. He has been let down by him countless times and asking him for a favour feels like giving into his manipulation tactics. 

“Yeah, okay. I will think of something.” 

Chapter Text

-

But I see the warmth inside you,

kitchen towels and christmas lights,

you're what I need, I think that scares me. 

-

“Hey, so, do you think we could go into town today?” 

“What?!” Nick, who was just in the middle of texting Tara, completely halts what he’s doing and looks at Charlie, who is sitting in the grass with Sprout. They had decided to go and spent some time with the cows that morning, after feeding them and letting them out into the pasture, and Sprout has been glued to Charlie’s side ever since. Not that Nick can blame her.

“Yeah,” Charlie sends Nick the warmest smile, which makes his stomach erupt into butterflies. “Since my old stuff still isn’t here , I thought maybe I could get a nice shirt or something to impress your dad.” Nick starts to open his mouth, but Charlie just keeps on talking. “And before you say anything, yes I know he’s an asshole and yes I know he’s probably not worth it. But I still want to make a good impression and I can’t do that while wearing another one of your oaf sized jumpers.” He gestures to the lilac one he’s currently wearing, which is indeed another one of Nick’s.

The obvious thing would be to say yes, because everything Charlie has said makes perfect sense, but for even more obvious reasons Nick can’t . He feels like shit, because there is no logical explanation as to why he shouldn’t be able to take Charlie into town — at least none that he can tell Charlie about. But he can’t do it; people know him there, have known him for the past three years and there is no way he can convince them that he has been hiding a fiancé for more than half of his time here. There’s just absolutely no way they would believe him, especially not Mrs. Willson who is literally the biggest gossip of town. Everyone knows that if you need information about someone or something, she is the perfect person to ask.

“Maybe we could even visit Darcy at the pub? A nice, cold glass of cider literally sounds like the best thing that could happen to me today.” Charlie keeps on talking, unaware of the fact how he just keeps making things worse.

The pub is undoubtedly the most popular place in town, and as proud as he is of Darcy’s success and what she managed to build in such a short amount of time, right now he really wishes that she would have failed spectacularly. Or at least that Nick had never told Charlie about her owning the pub. 

He knows he has to say something, but his brain is nothing but a jumble of words and he doesn’t know how to make his mouth work properly. 

“Sorry, give me a second, I need to go to the loo really quick. Be right back!” Is all he can come up with before he literally runs away and into the main house. He waits for a few seconds, making sure that Charlie hasn’t followed him in, and starts frantically texting the groupchat.

Nick: SOS

Nick: !!!!!!

Nick: Oh my god I am sooooo fucked 

Darcy: Congrats!! I thought it would take you a bit longer but I am happy for you guys 🍆😜

Tara: Darcy oh my god pls shut up 

Tara: I am begging you

Nick: @Darcy you really aren’t helping right now I’m literally in the worst predicament of my life 

Nick: Charlie wants to go into town

Nick: Like, our town, the town where everyone knows me and knows that I am definitely NOT in a relationship 

Nick: 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

Tara: Oh shit

Nick: Yeah, oh shit indeed!

Darcy: Okay so what if you just say no? What’s the worst that can happen?

Nick: Thought about that, but I literally can’t come up with a single reason as to why I should say no without exposing the entire web of lies tbh

Nick … and he wants to come to the pub, which is like even worse because there are going to be even more people 

Nick: Why did it have to get so popular, damn you Darcy

Darcy: Oi!!! You were the one who supported me on it 🔪

Tara: Okay wait, so hear me out, what if you take him to the next town over? It’s a bit of a drive, but barely anyone knows you there so it won’t matter

Darcy: GENUIS!! I have always told you guys that my wife is the most brilliant creature there is!! That’s actually foolproof 

Nick: Sorry Darcy, but everytime you call a plan foolproof I actually get scared 

Darcy: 😭😭

Tara: He’s right babe, but Nick, I actually think it might work, Charlie doesn’t know the area anyway so you can literally take him anywhere and he wouldn’t know where he is 

Isaac: I agree with Tara, I think it could work

Isaac: Sorry for the late answer btw, the shop got pretty busy all of a sudden

Isaac: There’s this new romance novel that was released today and all the ladies are going crazy for it 🥴

Nick: I’m glad business is doing good Isaac!

Nick: And thank you Tara, I think I will do that, pls everyone cross your fingers that it will go smoothly

Nick: Love you guys, I honestly would be completely lost without you

Tara: 💜💜

Darcy: Love you too baby goose, even though you’re mean to me sometimes 😘

Isaac: You can do this! Let us know how it goes 🤞🏻

Nick breathes a sigh of relief and puts his phone back into his pocket. Tara is right, it is actually a good plan to just take Charlie to a town that’s a bit further away, where the possibility of running into someone who knows him, and knows that he’s definitely not engaged, is almost zero. 

Now that he is able to think about it with a clear head, he is actually really excited to take Charlie out in public and show him some more of his world. He knows it’s not a date, but if he keeps calling it that in his head then no one else has to know. Maybe he can even take him to get some lunch or something at a nice café; the thought of it alone makes him giddy and gives him somewhat of a spring in his step while he makes his way back to Charlie.

When he returns to the pasture, Charlie is still with Sprout, but instead of playing with her, he’s lying down in the grass with his eyes closed and hands crossed behind his head. The light is hitting his face just right and it makes his cheekbones look so incredible, that Nick has to hold back a sigh in order not to disturb him. Nick doesn’t know if he’s really asleep or just resting, but Charlie looks so peaceful and gentle that it brings a smile on Nick’s face and he can’t help but lie down beside him, careful not to disturb him too much.

They’re both quiet for a moment until Charlie opens his eyes and turns his head to look at Nick. “Hi, darling.” He gives him a dazzling smile and Nick feels like he could explode any second with the amount of affection he’s feeling for the other man. 

“Hi.” Nick turns on his side and extends one of his arms, putting it on Charlie’s chest who releases a happy sigh at the action. He lets his hand wander up to the crook of Charlie’s neck, where he pauses for a second, and then further to one of his ears, where he carefully starts running his thumb over his earlobe. Charlie closes his eyes again and another smile settles on his lips.

“Sorry I was so weird earlier,” Nick starts. “You just caught me off guard a little bit with all the, uh.. with the dad talk.”

“That’s alright. I didn’t want to scare you or anything.”

“Oh you didn’t, don’t worry. And it’s a completely reasonable thing to want to have some clothes of your own, even though I will miss seeing you in mine.” 

Charlie still doesn’t open his eyes, instead he grabs Nick’s hand, which has been caressing his earlobe all this time, and interlaces their fingers together before bringing them to settle on his stomach. 

“If you think I will stop wearing them, you are severely mistaken,” he giggles. 

“Good.” Nick picks up their still intertwined hands and places a soft kiss on the back of Charlie’s hand. “We can leave anytime you want, I’d just like to take a shower first and get changed, if that's okay.”

“Of course… I was actually going to suggest the same thing.” Charlie pauses for a second and opens his eyes to look at Nick. “I was actually going to suggest, maybe, if you want…, uh, taking a shower together?”

Nick’s brain completely short circuits at this and he isn’t sure if he just heard Charlie right. There is no way that he just asked him to shower together, right? Like, how would that even work? Surely he means it in a friendly way, even though Nick has no idea what showering platonically would even entail since they both would be fucking naked and that’s absolutely not something casual friends would do. He also thinks about the fact that casual friends probably don’t kiss on a regular basis, but that’s neither here nor there. 

His heart is beating one hundred miles an hour and his stomach genuinely feels like someone has shoved a whole carnival in there. Nick isn’t sure if it’s nausea, a panic attack or just him being rendered completely speechless, but he can’t even bring himself to look at Charlie, because he’s scared of seeing regret or even disgust in the other man’s face. What if he just said it in a joking manner to lighten the mood or something? If Nick says yes, he’s going to make an absolute fool of himself by thinking Charlie would genuinely want to shower with him and Charlie is probably going to be completely freaked out and leave.

It feels kind of irrational, but he’s probably never been so scared in his life to say the wrong thing. Everything inside of him is screaming at him to say yes yes yes oh my god of course , not being able to imagine anything better than getting to have Charlie like this, getting to see him so vulnerable and, from what he has seen so far, so fucking beautiful. But the smaller and more rational part of him is yelling that there is no way that this is going to end well.

Suddenly, there’s a hand on his cheek that brings him back to reality and when his eyes come back into focus, Charlie’s face is right in front of his. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.. I just thought. No, nevermind, please forget it. Let’s forget I ever asked, okay?” 

“I don’t want to forget it though.” Nick wasn’t even aware that his mouth was moving. “I want to do it. Uh… I didn’t mean.. I meant it as in showering! Not like, do it.” He buries his head in his hands. “Oh my god, I was just talking about showering, that’s all.” 

Before he can spiral down any further, Charlie gently grabs Nick’s hands and removes them from his face. “Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay, I know what you meant.” He’s smiling at him.

“Yeah?” Nick can feel that he’s completely red in the face, but he can’t help but look at Charlie who is grinning at him like a mad man. 

Charlie nods and stands up before extending his hand to Nick. “Yeah. Come on, let’s go.” 

A few minutes later, which included Nick telling himself over and over again that it seems like Charlie really wants this and isn’t just making fun of him, they’re both standing in Nick’s bedroom facing each other. Charlie has already taken off the jumper he was wearing and when Nick saw what he was doing he immediately averted his eyes. 

“Nick, darling, can you look at me?” Charlie is slowly taking one step closer to where Nick is standing. “I promise I am still dressed.” 

This manages to make Nick laugh and he raises his head to look at Charlie, who is looking back at him with so much warmth in his eyes that it almost steals all of the air right out of the room. “I need you to be a hundred percent sure that you want to do this. And additionally, I want you to know that there are absolutely no expectations from my side, okay? All I want to do is be close to you, we don’t even have to kiss. I just thought it would be a nice opportunity to take care of each other.” 

Every doubt that Nick has had in the past few minutes fly right out of the window. “I want to do this, I am completely sure, I promise. Charlie I,.. I also want to be close to you like this, so badly you have no idea.” And with that, Nick also takes his jumper off, sends Charlie a smirk and starts making his way into the bathroom.

“Sooo, do you wanna get in first or should I?” Nick asks when they’re both standing in the bathroom. He starts taking his socks and trousers off, leaving him in just his shirt and boxers and even though his back is turned to Charlie, he can feel the other man staring at him, which causes a smirk to appear on his lips. “Like what you see?”

Charlie gasps and Nick turns around to give him a huge smile. “I think it’s only fair if you take off some things too, don’t you?”

Instead of saying anything, Charlie nods and looks at the floor. Nick can see the wheels turning in his head and just as he’s about to say something else, Charlie starts undoing the knot that has been holding up his sweatpants and slowly starts pushing them down. 

Inch by inch, Nick can see more and more of Charlie’s bare legs and it causes his breath to get stuck in his throat once again. He honestly feels like a Victorian man seeing an ankle for the first time, it almost makes him a bit dizzy to get to see Charlie like this, especially confined in such a small space with just the two of them.

The more Charlie takes off, the more Nick feels like he has genuine troubles breathing properly and he can feel the heat rising in his face. Jesus christ, he really can’t remember any other instance where he was this attracted to someone and all Charlie is doing is taking his trousers off. How is he supposed to act when the other man is actually standing in front of him naked? 

“You’re just so fucking hot, do you know that?” As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he’s scared that he might have freaked Charlie out, but the huge smile that spreads across the other man’s face makes it all worth it. 

“Speak for yourself, you’re literally the most attractive man I have ever seen.” Charlie takes one step closer to Nick. “Those arms? Fucking ridiculous, I bet you could even lift Sprout with them, couldn’t you?” He winks and takes another step closer. “And please don’t get me started on your thighs, I don’t think I’ve ever seen something so delicious in my life.” There is only one more step separating them from each other and Charlie pauses to study Nick’s face carefully to make sure he’s okay with everything that is happening. 

Instead of Charlie, it’s Nick who fully closes the gap between them and he takes Charlie’s face in his hands. “I need you to know, and listen to me carefully right now, that I have never ever in my life been this attracted to someone. And I’m not just saying that, it’s the complete and honest truth. You are truly exquisite and I can’t believe how fucking lucky I am to get to see you like this.” Nick says and places a kiss on Charlie’s forehead, who lets out a content sigh. 

“I want you to take my shirt off for me, please.” Charlie’s voice is barely more than a whisper and it causes goosebumps to erupt all over Nick’s body. 

“Are you sure?” 

Charlie nods and puts his hands up to make it easier for Nick, who hesitates for a second and then carefully places his hands on Charlie’s waist, letting his fingers slip just slightly under the t-shirt to caress the bare skin right there. It causes Charlie to gasp softly, which Nick takes as a good sign to slowly start lifting the shirt up. As soon as Nick’s eyes land on the soft hair that is leading into Charlie’s boxers, his heart rate picks up again and he has to concentrate on not letting his hands shake with excitement. 

The more skin that gets exposed, the more Nick’s knees feel like they’re going to give out at any moment. It’s so hard for him to put into words just how much what he’s seeing is affecting him and the fact that Charlie lets Nick see him in this vulnerable state means everything to him. To him, it feels like that first day of spring after a bitter and cold winter, when you finally feel like life might be worth living again as soon as the first few rays of sunshine hit your face. That’s what Charlie makes him feel like. 

When Nick has finally pushed Charlie's shirt up to his neck, Charlie gives him one last nod of confirmation to just take it off altogether, so that’s what he does. As soon as the shirt is off, Nick lets it fall to the floor and releases one big sigh of relief. “Jesus Christ, Charlie.”

“Actually, it’s just Charlie.” He gives Nick the biggest smile while saying it and the butterflies in Nick’s stomach are working overtime by now. They keep staring at each other, until Charlie breaks the spell and positions himself in front of the shower. 

“As much as I appreciate this, I really want to see what you’re hiding underneath that shirt too. Seriously, if you make me wait any longer chances are I will just explode and then you will have to deal with all of the mess by yourself.” 

Charlie turns around to turn the shower on and in this moment Nick gets his first glimpse of his bum. He almost curses, but instead tears his eyes away and watches for a second as Charlie checks the temperature and turns the faucet a little bit to the left, making sure it's a pleasant temperature for the both of them. Then, without any warning whatsoever, Charlie takes off his boxers and is suddenly standing in front of Nick completely naked. 

Nick absolutely panics, not knowing where to look or what to do, so he promptly turns around in order to get some space to think, but what he doesn’t consider is the fact that now he’s facing the mirror, which is also showing him Charlie in all his glory.  

“You can get in if you want. I will be with you in a second.” Nick stutters and hopes that Charlie can’t hear how badly he’s trying to hide his freak out. 

Nick takes one deep breath and decides that enough is enough, he has to get his shit together. He has the most beautiful man he’s ever laid his eyes on completely naked right behind him and all he can do is act like a little child. He deserves this, Charlie clearly wants this and he’s allowed to let himself enjoy this. 

Without a second thought, Nick whips his shirt off, soon followed by his boxer briefs and turns around to face Charlie again, who has already stepped inside the shower and has his back to him. He lets himself appreciate the view for a moment, before also making his way into the shower and closing the door behind them. 

“Hi.” Nick’s voice is barely more than a whisper but it’s enough to alert Charlie of his presence and to get him to turn around. At first, Charlie is only looking at his face, but after a while he starts letting his gaze slowly wander down Nick’s body, which sends a shiver down his spine. Nobody has ever looked at him like this, in such a loving and tender way and before he can do something stupid like cry, he clears his throat. 

“Hi.” Charlie says back and takes one step closer to him. “I know I have told you countless times already how attractive you are, but I don’t think I will ever get tired of saying it. You are completely unreal, what the fuck.” Charlie puts one of his hands on Nick’s cheek and starts caressing the skin underneath his eye with his thumb, while letting the other one settle on his shoulder. “You, Nick Nelson, are the loveliest human being I have ever seen and I know that I will never ever look at anyone quite like I look at you. I see you, the real you, and I’m not just saying that because you’re currently butt naked,” Charlie laughs. “I’m saying that because I want you to know that no matter if I might not, uh.. remember you, it… it doesn’t matter to me. All that matters is you . I don’t care that we’ve only known each other for a week.”

As much as Nick tries, there is no way in hell that he can hold his tears back after what Charlie had just said, so he just lets them run down his face freely. “They are not sad tears, I promise.” Nick throws his arms around Charlie and pulls him into a bone crushing hug, with Charlie immediately burying his head in the crook of Nick’s neck. What’s happening right now is not sexual at all, but at the same time it’s the most intimate experience he has ever had.

“I.. I don’t… Charlie. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.” There is so much more Nick wants to say, but he doesn’t know how. He wants to say that he is so sorry for lying to him and that he wants to fix it no matter what it takes, but also that he has never been so happy in his life and that he would do literally anything to get to keep Charlie. A little voice in his head is telling him that he would even do it, if it meant giving up his home.

But he doesn’t say any of that, instead he just pulls Charlie even closer and lets the warm water cascade over both of their bodies while they cling to each other like it’s their last day on earth. He can feel Charlie’s heart beating against his and somehow the rhythmic beating of them together gives him hope that somehow he will get out of this and keep Charlie at the same time. 

They stay like this for a few minutes, with no one saying anything until Nick slowly starts pulling away, but not before placing a lingering kiss on Charlie’s neck.

“Let’s get washed up, okay?” He places another kiss on Charlie’s forehead. “I want to show you off in town, if you don’t mind.”

Charlie nods and reaches behind him to grab the shower gel to hand to Nick. “You do my back and I do yours?” Nick gives him a smile and Charlie turns around to give Nick access to his back. 

They both take turns in washing each other, making sure to reach every single nook and cranny, but they never take it any further than that, which Nick is grateful for. He feels so emotionally exhausted, and he’s sure Charlie feels just the same, that he relishes in being so close to the other man without any expectations or preconceptions. 

This is just about taking care of each other and solidifying their connection, which makes Nick think that he might actually trust Charlie with his whole life. 

When they are done, they both get out of the shower and Nick wraps Charlie up in the biggest and fluffiest towel he can find, trying to dry his hair in the process, which makes Charlie giggle like mad. 

They both get dressed in relative silence after that, but Nick can’t help stealing a few glances at Charlie while he thinks the other man isn’t looking. But of course Charlie is doing the same thing and when their eyes meet, with Nick being caught half in and half out of his jeans, he doesn’t even have it in him to feel ashamed of looking at Charlie. 

There’s something so effortless about the other man and when Nick can’t stop staring at him, clothed or not, he has to admit that he is truly and utterly fucked. He knows it might sound a bit insane, considering the circumstances and the fact that they’ve known each other barely a week, but there’s just something about Charlie that draws Nick to him like a moth to the flame. Ever since he has come into his life, there hasn’t been a minute where Nick hasn’t been fascinated by him and even though Charlie was a right prick when they first met, Nick is a hundred percent sure that that wasn’t the real him. Something must have happened to make him act that way and, thinking back to the very short conversation they had about his family, he knows he’s not far off with thinking that Charlie hasn’t had the happiest life so far. 

He feels a bit like a hypocrite, thinking about how he can show Charlie that he is worthy of love, while literally lying to him about everything, but deep down he knows that he isn’t lying about his feelings. It’s crazy to think that if his lies ever see the light of the day, Charlie will just forgive him and not care about it, but there’s this tiny spark of hope in his chest that is screaming at him that he will be able to find a way to make it alright with Charlie, and Nick is determined to not let it die. 

This isn’t the first time he has let himself imagine a future with Charlie, but it’s the first time he thinks about the possibility of it not ending in a giant disaster and a broken heart he will never be able to heal from.

“You ready?” Nick is brought back from his thoughts by Charlie’s voice and him softly squeezing his bicep.

“Yeah.” Nick grabs Charlie’s hand and starts leading him out of the flat and down the stairs. “Should we take Daisy with us?”

“Depends, can she sit up front with me?” 

“Yeah, alright. You’re lucky you’re cute, do you know that?”

“Should I be offended by the fact that you’ve literally seen me naked less than thirty minutes ago and you’re still calling me cute ?” 

“Oh… that’s not, oh my god. That’s not what I mean.” Nick stops right in front of his car and removes his hand from Charlie’s, unable to look at him.. “You’re… Charlie .” He doesn’t know how to tell Charlie that looking at him is literally making him feel like he’s been struck by lightning, not unlike the first time he had realised that he might have a crush on someone that wasn’t a girl. 

He was fourteen years old and a new boy had joined the rugby team at school. At first Nick had thought that he just wanted to impress the other boy with his rugby skills to look cool and assert his dominance as team captain, but after they had hung out privately a few times he quickly realised that he wanted to be around the other boy all the time.

Back then, he didn’t know what to make of it and just repressed whatever he was feeling, putting on a mask around everyone else, too scared of what they might do if they had found out that he had something other than friendly thoughts about another boy. It wasn’t until he went off to University and met Tara, who dragged him to a few LGBTQA+ society mixers, that it dawned on him that he had a proper crush on that other boy. 

Even though he is now very well aware of and secure in his sexuality, Charlie makes him feel like he’s fourteen all over again, just now the butterflies are like ten times the amount they were back then. 

“Hey, I was just joking, you know that, right?” Charlie is looking at him like he’s a wounded animal and his heart sinks. He should be the one making Charlie feel better and not the other way around. 

“Yeah, but I am not joking when I tell you that you are literally the hottest person I’ve ever met.” A blush starts spreading across Charlie’s face and Nick’s stomach starts unclenching a bit at that. “There is no way you didn’t notice how, uhm, … affected I was in the shower earlier.”

“I did, yeah.” Charlie and Daisy both start making their way over to where Nick is standing and just when Nick thinks Charlie is just going to stand there, he takes one last step so they are standing chest to chest. His heart rate picks up at that and he can’t stop a huge smile from spreading across his face, being this close to Charlie is literally everything he wants all the time. 

“I really enjoyed doing this with you, do you know that?” Nick puts his hands around Charlie’s neck and the other man places his right hand on Nick’s lower back, just letting it linger there for a few seconds, before it wanders further down and slips under Nick’s jumper. “As far as I can remember ,” Charlie laughs at his own joke, but all Nick can concentrate on is Charlie’s hand making its way further under his shirt and therefore onto his bare skin. “I think this was the most intimate thing I have ever shared with another person.” 

Goosebumps start breaking out on Nick’s skin and he even shivers lightly while Charlie slips his hand fully underneath his jumper and starts caressing the skin there. His brain is working in overdrive, trying to process what Charlie had just said and what he is currently doing to him, but when he notices that Charlie is actually moving his face closer to his, it short circuits and all he can think about is how badly he needs to feel Charlie’s lips against his. It’s like a magnetic pull that he has never felt before and he wants nothing more than to close the gap in between them.

He lets Charlie take the lead and decide when he’s ready for Nick, so he tries to stay as still as possible while the other man is moving closer and closer. Just when Nick is about to close his eyes in anticipation of their lips meeting, Charlie leans his forehead against Nick’s and releases a quiet breath. “I like you so much… I literally don’t know what to do with myself.” 

Nick doesn’t dare to move, too afraid of Charlie walking away. “Is that a bad thing?” His voice is barely more than a whisper and he’s sure Charlie can feel his breath on his lips. 

“I hope not,” Charlie answers and finally closes the gap between them. 

They kiss for quite a while, and Nick is sure that he will never in a million years get tired of getting to be so close to Charlie, having him pressed against his body and getting to feel his lips against his own. 

Everytime one of them deepens the kiss, Charlie releases a quiet sigh and the noise sends a zing through Nick’s body. With Charlie’s hand still firmly planted against his bare skin and his own hand in Charlie’s hair, carefully caressing his curls in order not to mess with them too much, he genuinely feels like he could stay right here in this moment forever and would not get tired of it.

Suddenly Daisy barks at them, clearly annoyed with their antics, and they break away from each other. Before Charlie can step away, Nick moves his hands to his hips and pulls him close to make sure he can’t go anywhere. “I can’t believe I just got cock blocked by my own flesh and blood.”

Charlie laughs and presses his face into the crook of Nick’s neck, starting to place tiny kisses all along his neckline and up to his ear. “I didn’t know you could get pregnant Nick, this obviously changes things.” Charlie pulls away and raises a playful eyebrow at him. “It obviously changes them for the better, if you know what I mean.” He winks and, before Nick is able to say anything else, steps away and makes his way over to the passenger seat.

“Come on, your fiancé needs clothes that actually fit him and I can already taste the ice cold pint waiting for me at Darcy’s pub!”

Nick is still standing there with his mouth open, while Charlie and Daisy have both already gotten in the truck. Then he registers the last part of what Charlie just said and gets his phone out to text the group chat.

Nick: SOS!!!! Charlie still wants to come to the pub tonight, I don’t have much time to talk but @Darcy I am begging you to figure something out, at this point I don’t care what it is 🙃

He waits for a few seconds to see if anyone is going to reply, but with Charlie waiting for him he doesn’t have a lot of time to spare, so Nick gets in the car and decides to check his phone as soon as they’ve arrived in town.

A few minutes into the drive Nick puts on some Fleetwood Mac, which earns him a proud nod and thigh squeeze from Charlie. Instead of moving it away again, he leaves his hand resting there while drawing small circles onto Nick’s upper thigh from time to time. Nick is trying not to let it affect him too much, especially not while driving, but if the smirk on Charlie’s face is anything to go by he’s probably beet red in the face. 

They don’t really talk a lot on the drive and at first Nick is afraid that the silence between them might be weird, but instead it settles over them like a warm and comfortable blanket. They’ve been through so much over the last week that just sitting with each other and enjoying being so close is enough for them for a while. To Nick, it feels a lot like recharging.

After about thirty minutes or so, Nick starts to notice Charlie getting restless and he puts his hand on top of the other man’s, which is still resting on Nick’s thigh, and gives it a quick squeeze. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just didn’t expect it to be such a long drive. I wasn’t aware just how far away from civilization we actually are.” Charlie laughs and Nick immediately notices that there is absolutely no malice behind the statement, just genuine curiosity. It still makes him feel bad. If he’d only told Charlie the truth he could take him to the town that is barely a ten minute drive away and show him off to anyone who’s willing to listen. 

“Uh… yeah, it’s quite a drive.” Is all Nick can come up with and he hopes Charlie can’t pick up on the weird tone his voice has taken on. “It’s not that much further though, only five more minutes or so, I promise.” 

True to his word, Nick parks the truck barely five minutes later and smiles at Charlie. “Ready?”

“Ready!” Charlie hops out of the truck with Daisy right behind him and puts on her leash as soon as the door is closed. Even though the town isn’t busy by any means, he would still much rather have Daisy safe and sound by their sides instead of roaming around freely, especially in a place she has only been to a few times so far. The fact that Charlie has picked up on that makes his stomach flutter and he automatically reaches for the other man’s hand as soon as he joins them. 

Nick takes one deep breath, reminding himself that this is okay and that there is no way anyone who actually knows him well enough is going to be here on this random afternoon. If someone else sees, they won’t think twice about it, and as long as no one straight up approaches them and calls him out on his bullshit he will be fine. 

“Clothes first?” Nick asks and starts tugging Charlie into a vintage shop’s direction.

They both make their way into the shop and the shop assistant gives them a soft smile, assuring them that it’s fine to bring Daisy inside with them as long as she doesn’t cause any havoc or disturb the other patrons. Nick fixes her with a stern glare while telling her to be a good girl and Charlie just shakes his head at the both of them fondly, telling the woman that they will be just fine and that Daisy is one of the best behaved dogs in the world.

Charlie decides that it’s probably best for them to split up in order to cover as much ground as possible, telling Nick that all he’s really looking for is some pairs of jeans and shirts that actually fit him. “I don’t need too much, after all we can’t have me suddenly not wearing your clothes anymore, can we?” 

Nick blushes and he can hear the shop assistant laughing from somewhere behind them. “Yeah. I don't want all those jumpers to feel lonely.” He places a lingering kiss into Charlie’s hair and grabs Daisy’s leash from him. “I’m gonna start at the back of the store. Meet at the changing room in like twenty minutes or so?”

Charlie nods and blows him a kiss, causing Nick to blush even harder, before turning around and concentrating on a clothing rack right behind him.

Nick’s head can’t stop spinning from the way Charlie is just showing him his affection so freely and openly. He’s never had this before — not that he has a lot of experience with proper relationships, but normally it was always him who tried to shower his partner in affection, most of the time ending in a right disaster and being called too clingy and too much. 

Having someone who apparently not only has no problem with public displays of affection, but even encourages them, will be something to get used to and he can’t wait to wholeheartedly embrace it. 

He makes his way through the store methodically, picking up two pairs of jeans and some shirts that he thinks are pretty but also practical enough to go outside in. Just as he’s about to make his way back to Charlie, he comes to a stop in front of a denim jacket with a fleece collar that practically screams Charlie’s name so picks that one up too. 

Charlie is already in the changing room when Nick arrives so he sits down in an armchair in front of it and decides to wait. It doesn’t take long for Charlie to come out and he shows off a pair of black linen trousers with a wider leg and a basic white Adidas t-shirt, which Nick gives his complete approval to.  

“Take that in with you too.” Nick gestures to the stuff he has collected which is resting in his lap and Charlie makes his way over to him, taking it from him gratefully and placing a quick kiss on his lips before dashing back into the changing room. “Thanks, darling!”

Nick blushes and tries to distract himself by scratching Daisy, who is resting at his feet. Over the next few minutes, Charlie flits in and out of the changing room, showing off various trousers, shirts and cardigan combinations and Nick can’t help but beam at him, nodding approvingly about everything Charlie shows him.

“Okay, I’ve got one more thing, but you can’t laugh!” Charlie half screams from inside the changing room. “I thought it would be funny, and also maybe it would piss off your dad a bit when he comes over, so that’s a nice bonus.” 

“I promise not to laugh, show me please. I can't wait to see it.”

Nick holds his breath as Charlie steps outside and immediately feels like he’s been hit over the head. Charlie is wearing a white crop top, a genuinely full on crop top that stops just above his navel and definitely shows off the hair leading into his trousers. But that’s not even the worst of it, what is really making his head spin is the fact that there’s “MAKING COWBOYS CRY” written all over the front in huge red letters. And if all of this wasn’t bad enough already, the shirt accentuates his waist perfectly. Nick thinks he might pass out if he doesn’t remember how to breathe properly within the next few seconds.

The implication of the shirt paired with seeing so much of Charlie’s skin is really too much for Nick to process, but he also can’t take his eyes off the other man. He lets his eyes wander further down Charlie’s body and notices that he is also wearing a pair of flared beige trousers, which are also insanely tight on his waistline and accentuate it even more. 

“ Sweetheart .” Nick gets up and joins Charlie where he’s standing. “You are insanely hot, oh my god.” Charlie grins at him, but Nick can see that he’s still feeling unsure about it. “I am so serious, your waist is driving me insane right now, what the fuck?”

“Are you sure?” Charlie grabs both of Nick's hands and gives them a squeeze. “I don’t look ridiculous?”

“No!” Nick almost shouts, which makes Charlie giggle. “You look absolutely fantastic, the shirt fits you perfectly and it’s also funny as hell, but definitely not ridiculous. If someone says anything else I will personally make sure that they get a good talking to. And anyway, I am buying, so you have no choice.”

Charlie opens his mouth to protest, and Nick immediately panics, trying to come up with a reason why Charlie literally doesn’t even have a wallet but before he has a chance to do so the other man relaxes and gives Nick a smile. “Thank you, I appreciate you.”

After getting changed back into his normal clothes, Charlie takes Daisy’s leash from him. “I’m gonna take her outside while you pay, okay?” Without waiting for an answer, Charlie turns to leave and exits the store. Nick can see him making his way over to a bench next to a tree and settling down on it. 

That was weird, wasn’t it? Nick was so sure that Charlie was planning on protesting about who should pay and would insist on doing it himself, but it was almost like a switch had suddenly flipped inside of him and he decided to keep his protests to himself. He knows he hasn’t known Charlie for long, but that seemed pretty unlike the other man.

“Can I take this from you?” Nick’s thoughts are suddenly interrupted by the shop assistant standing right in front of him and gesturing to the clothes in his hands. “Uh, yeah… thanks. Yeah!”

While she rings him up, Nick’s gaze suddenly falls on a bunch of necklaces they have displayed near the cash register and he snatches one of them up. He tries not to think about it too hard, because if nobody except for him knows the deeper meaning of it, he can pretend that it’s okay. 

Nick joins Charlie at the bench a few minutes later and they decide to bring all their stuff back to the truck before grabbing a quick bite to eat. While putting the bags in the backseat, Nick suddenly sees his phone still lying in the middle console of the car and snatches it up. There are a few messages from the group chat, but not nearly as much as he was expecting.

Darcy: I’ve got you, don’t worry about it.

Isaac: Oh god, Darcy what did you do? 👀

Darcy: Nothing! I would never put my own property in danger, you know that 😌

Tara: She’s right, it really isn’t bad. We’ve got it handled!

Darcy: Just make sure you guys don’t come around before 6 pls @Nick. Oh and also Isaac you’re coming too, no arguments allowed

Isaac: I’ll be there, I wanted to see Charlie again anyway.

Nick: I am still a bit scared, but thank you Darcy!! I owe you big time 💜 

Nick: Oh and Isaac, should I be offended that you want to see Charlie but not me?

Isaac: I said what I said 💆🏻

“Darcy said we can come around to the pub at like six and since it’s only five right now, do you want to grab a bite to eat first and then drive over?” 

“Oh, we’re still going to the pub?” Charlie looks up at Nick, who’s standing in between his legs, still fiddling with his phone. 

“Do you not want to?” Nick finally puts his phone away and sits down next to Charlie, so close that their sides are completely pressed against each other. Charlie releases a sigh of relief at the contact, which makes Nick smile. “I do. You just seemed a bit stressed earlier when I mentioned it, so I wasn’t sure.” 

“Oh!” Nick puts his arm around Charlie’s shoulder and draws him even closer. “No, sorry, I didn’t want you to think that. It’s all good.” He places another kiss into Charlie’s hair, probably the tenth one today, and tries not to think about how easy it is for him to exist like this with Charlie. “Do you maybe just wanna grab some chips and eat in the car? Not sure if I’m up for facing too many other people right now.”

“That sounds absolutely perfect, actually. I can get Daisy settled in the truck and you can join us as soon as you’ve got the food?” 

“Yeah,” Nick shoots Charlie a soft smile and he hopes that it conveys how grateful he is. It is true that he doesn’t really want to be around other people right now, and it’s not even because he’s scared of getting found out. He just really wants to have some peace and quiet alone with Charlie before having to face his friends and their potential meddling. As much as he loves them, they can be a bit much sometimes and Nick is still not sure what Darcy’s plan is to keep other patrons from bothering them and questioning who Charlie is. 

Therefore, a few more minutes just with Charlie sound like the best thing that could happen to him right now. 

When Nick returns to the car with some chips and bottles of coke tucked under his arm, he finds Charlie and Daisy cuddling in the passenger seat, which makes his heart thud uncomfortably. But he decides not to dwell on it too much so they start eating in relative silence, just exchanging a few words and sneaking Daisy a few chips here and there. 

“Nick,” Charlie says just as Nick is about to wipe his mouth clean from some ketchup. “I just want you to know how much I appreciate you, okay? Nobody… I think nobody has ever treated me so, uh, gently. I guess.” Nick starts to open his mouth, but Charlie is quick to cut him off. “No, you don’t have to say anything. Actually I think it’s better if you don’t say it right now, I just wanted you to know. I haven’t had an easy life so far, and you make me feel more like a human again,” he hesitates. “I’m sorry, I know this might not make much sense to you… but yeah.” 

“Okay,” Nick says after a while. There is actually so much he wants to say to Charlie, but not only is he going to respect his wishes of not replying, he’s also not sure if he would be able to keep lying to him if he started talking right now. So instead, he just grabs his hand and plans on not letting it go until he really has to. “Should we get going? We also don’t have to stay long, maybe just one pint. Isaac said he was excited to see you again.” 

🐄

As soon as they step foot in the pub, Nick realises that there is absolutely no one else there except for Tara, Darcy and Isaac. It seems like he’s not the only one who notices, because Charlie raises his eyebrows at him questioningly after letting his eyes wander around the space. He nudges Nick with his elbow, beckoning him to come closer. “So, not to be rude or anything, but is it safe to assume that business isn’t that good?” 

Nick is just about to answer, but somehow Darcy must have overheard them because she gasps loudly. “How dare you, Charlie! This is actually the busiest pub in the entire town, thank you very much, I certainly know how to run a business.” She looks at Charlie, daring him to say something and the other man just grins and raises his hands in defeat. 

“I’m kidding!” Darcy puts her hand around Charlie’s shoulder and starts leading him to where the others are sitting. “Well, I’m actually not kidding about being the most popular pub, that is certainly true. I just told everyone that we’re closed today and to come back tomorrow. Wanted it to just be us tonight, I thought it would be, uh, less stressful.” She shoots Nick a questioning look and he makes his way over to her and pulls her into a fierce hug. 

“Thank you so much, I’m gonna repay you for this.”

“You are definitely not doing that, but you’re still welcome Nicholas.” She pulls away from him and looks pointedly at Charlie. “I’ve heard through the grapevine that someone is dying for a pint, is that right?”

Charlie nods and laughs while sitting down next to Isaac, who’s got his nose in a book, but as soon as he notices Charlie he pulls him into a half hug and greets him warmly. “It’s nice to see you again, Charlie.”

“It’s nice to see you guys too, we’ve had a busy week but I think we’re both doing better now compared to when we last saw each other.” He clears his throat. “Anyway, what are you reading?”

Isaac launches into a monologue about his book and Nick squeezes himself in between Charlie and Tara, laying a hand on Charlie’s thigh while he and Tara watch Darcy pull some pints for all of them. 

Conversation flows easily between the five of them and it makes Nick’s heart soar to see how easily Charlie fits in with his friends. He had already had his suspicions last week when they had first met, but his head was so all over the place back then that he wasn’t sure if he was able to trust his memories. 

They don’t talk about the accident at all, which Nick is entirely grateful for, and Darcy even tries to behave herself by only making two comments about how close they are sitting. All in all it is a great evening and Nick is glad that they got out of the house. Charlie seems to be having a great time too, he’s on his second pint, which is causing him to lean even closer to Nick, but he’s definitely not complaining about it.

“I know I made a joke about being busy earlier,” Darcy says when there’s a lull in the conversation. “But it’s honestly killing me a bit. Tara is busy at the practice and I can’t keep her away from that, so I really need to get around to hiring some help before I run myself ragged.”

“Nick can do it!” Charlie’s sudden outburst surprises Nick and he raises an eyebrow at him. “I can?”

“Yeah! I mean, you could use the money.” 

At this, Nick’s blood runs cold. What the fuck is happening right now? Did someone tell Charlie what was going on?

Before his thoughts can spiral any further, Charlie continues. “I mean… uh, I just meant because everyone can use some more money, right? It’s not like anyone ever has enough money? Yeah, sorry, that’s what I meant. You don’t have to, it was just an idea.” He is looking down onto his lap while he says it, and Nick is sure that something is wrong, but he doesn’t want to call him out on it in front of everyone. 

He reaches over to squeeze Charlie’s hand, but the other man doesn’t squeeze back which is even weirder. “It’s a good idea.” He squeezes again, but again there’s no reaction to it. 

“If you would have me Darcy, I think it would really make sense for me to help you out from time to time.” 

Darcy mumbles some agreement and promises to be in touch with him within the next few days so they can figure something out. Charlie is still blankly staring at everything but Nick, so he doesn’t notice Nick shaking his head at Darcy’s questioning look. 

After a few more minutes of frankly uncomfortable conversation, Charlie suddenly sits up straighter and finally gives Nick’s hand a squeeze back. “Can we go home?” He doesn’t even wait for Nick’s answer before standing up and making his way to the exit. 

Chapter Text

-

They say I'm the spit of you and they're not wrong,

bury my head too.

Stomach hurts all the time, can't shift it,

been like that since eight.

-

"You’re not actually wearing that crop top to meet my dad, are you?”

“What, do you think he might take me to bed if I did?” Charlie smirks at him and Nick feels pure relief washing through his body. Ever since they had left Darcy’s pub last night, Charlie had been acting extremely strange and Nick hadn’t been able to figure out why. But now, after a good night's sleep full of cuddles and some proper breakfast, he seemed to be almost back to his normal self.

“Well, fortunately for me, I don’t think he swings that way.” Nick walks over to where Charlie is standing at the sink and attaches himself to the other man’s back by wrapping his arms securely around his waist. Charlie hums and lets himself fall back into Nick’s chest, half heartedly trying to continue doing the dishes but it’s obvious that his mind is somewhere else. “Thank you for being with me today,” Nick whispers and hides his face in the back of Charlie’s neck. “You’re honestly like the only person in the world that’s not draining my energy right now. Instead it’s like you’re, uh, recharging me or something.” 

“Oh darling, if my hands weren’t all wet right now I would hug you back properly.” Charlie chuckles and Nick can feel the rumble of his laughter in his own body. “Do you want to talk about it? We still have two more hours before he’s supposed to get here.”

Nick pulls Charlie even closer to him and slips his hand under his shirt, splaying it all over his bare stomach. “No,” he waits for a second. “I mean, I don’t want to, but I need to anyway. There are a few things I want to explain to you before he arrives.” 

It’s not like he can be a hundred percent truthful, but he at least wants Charlie to know the most important basics and that unfortunately also includes the thing about his dad owing him money. Nick just hopes that Charlie isn’t still hung up on the weird vibes following the money talk from yesterday. 

Charlie hums in agreement and finishes up washing the last plate. “I can make us tea and we can sit outside and watch the cows for a bit? It’s pretty warm today and I think it will make you feel better to be close to them.” 

Nick’s heart gives a painful thud and he has to stop himself from tearing up. He technically knows that Charlie remembering things like that about him is not a big deal, but he just never had anyone care for him like this before and, if he’s being honest with himself, he doesn't know what to do with it. One second he wants to shout from the rooftops how much he likes this man, and the other he just wants to hide from him.

“You’re being too good to me,” is all he says before pressing one last lingering kiss behind Charlie’s ear and pulling away from him. “I need to get something from the flat really quick, meet you with tea and blankets at the pasture in like five?”

As promised, Nick joins Charlie five minutes later on a blanket Charlie has spread over some nice patch of grass in the corner of the pasture, so they can lean their backs against the fence and still have a good view of the cows. Charlie passes Nick the thermos flask and Nick sends him a grateful smile before taking a tentative sip. “So before we talk, I actually have a small present for you?”

“Nick!” Charlie takes the thermos from him and turns around so he’s fully facing him. “Why? You’ve literally done so much for me already, you really didn’t have to.”

“It’s not much, I promise. Can you close your eyes for a second?”

Charlie huffs, but closes his eyes nonetheless. “I swear, if this was expensive I will make you return it, you hear me?”

Instead of replying, Nick reaches into the front pocket of his sweatpants and carefully gets out the necklace he has put in there earlier. He makes sure that Charlie’s eyes are still closed before correctly arranging the chain and pendant in his palm. He lets his finger softly stroke over the pendant for a second before snapping out of it. “You can open your eyes, if you want.”

Charlie does just that and as soon as his eyes land on the necklace he gasps. “Holy shit, Nick!” He presses his face closer to inspect the pendant carefully. “It’s so beautiful,” his voice is barely more than a whisper. 

“Do you really think so?” Charlie just nods and keeps staring at the palm of Nick’s hand. The necklace is made of gold, adorned by a sun and moon pendant. Both are intertwined with each other, the moon part being slightly bigger than the sun, encompassing it. The sun is a simple gold, but the moon is embellished with a few glimmering white gemstones. 

“I guess it just reminded me of… us.” It’s not quite the truth—there’s another reason for it, too—but Nick isn’t ready to reveal that part yet. Hell, he doesn’t know if he will ever be. 

“I love it, I really really do. Thank you so much, baby.” 

And oh , Nick has just gotten used to Charlie calling him darling, but calling him baby feels like a whole new world altogether. It feels massive and makes him feel all warm and tingly inside, so he can’t help but let a few tears well up in his eyes. They are good tears, though, and he hopes Charlie will be able to tell without him saying so. 

“Can I put it on you?” Nick asks. Charlie nods and slightly turns around so Nick can close the clasp perfectly. When he’s done, Charlie turns back around and Nick can’t take his eyes off of the way it’s dangling in between the strings of Charlie's hoodie. 

It is of course actually Nick’s hoodie, which makes the whole situation even more dizzying. “It looks beautiful on you. You look beautiful.” 

He can see Charlie moving closer, clearly with the intention of kissing him, but for some unknown reason a ball of anxiety settles in Nick’s stomach and it makes him want to turn away. It’s not that he doesn’t want to kiss Charlie, he always wants to, but there is just some invisible force stopping him from giving into it right now; maybe it’s the dread of his father coming to visit soon or something else, he doesn’t really know. 

Instead of blatantly turning Charlie down though, he just clears his throat and hopes that the other man will not think too much about it. “So… My father?”

Charlie looks a bit taken aback by the sudden change in topic, but at the same time his face softens and he takes one of Nick’s hands in his, squeezing it softly. “Tell me as much or as little as you want.”

“Okay so,” Nick is grateful for Charlie’s hand in his, it manages to ground him and it’s nice to feel that Charlie is there for him and genuinely cares. “My parents got divorced when I was pretty young. We lived near London back then, and I gotta say I don’t remember much of that time. I’ve always been a mummy’s boy, can you believe it?” Charlie fake gasps, which makes Nick laugh. “Yeah, shocking I know! Anyway, when they got divorced dad moved back to France and took David with him, mum and I moved up north to be closer to her parents and that was that.”

“For the first few years, until I was like ten I think, I used to regularly visit my dad and brother in Paris. The first few times it was all extremely exciting being in such a new and huge city, but with every summer I went back I realised more and more that they didn’t really care about me, probably never have, and that it was just really weird going back even though I knew they didn’t even want me there. So during the year I turned ten, dad didn’t ask me to come back, and I also didn’t ask my mum to go, so it just kinda fizzled out I guess. I was much happier staying with mum and my grandparents, people I knew cared about me and were glad to have me around.” 

Charlie squeezes his hand again. “Do you want me to comment on it or just listen for now?”

“Uhm, probably just listen and ask questions later, if that’s okay?”

“More than okay, baby.” 

There it is again: the nickname that makes Nick feel like he might float away any second. It isn’t just the name itself, but also the way Charlie manages to put so much affection into saying it. 

“Thanks.” Nick blushes and looks down onto their intertwined hands in his lap. “Okay, so from then on contact literally ceased to exist between us except for the odd text here and there and a phone call on Christmas and my birthday if I was lucky enough. I tried to text him more often than that, but a lot of time I just wouldn’t get a reply or it would come through literal weeks later, which kinda ruined the whole point of me trying to have a conversation. So I got used to almost being an only child, but I had my mum and she loved me, still does, so much that it’s literally enough until the end of times, so I was okay. The next part is a bit tricky though, because my mum actually didn’t tell me about it until I was eighteen years old.” 

“Apparently my father stopped paying child maintenance when I was twelve years old. And not because of a court ruling or something, he just did it because he didn’t feel like paying it anymore. Apparently since I wasn’t visiting him anymore he stopped feeling responsible for me, or something—god knows what fucked up reason he came up with in his head. Do you know what the worst part is? I had no idea my mum was struggling all these years, he was supposed to pay until I turned twenty, which means she was literally single handedly paying for everything for eight years, and that includes my first years of university. I obviously got a job as soon as I arrived in Leeds, but still, with rugby training and classes I couldn’t get too many shifts in.” 

“Nick… How much does he owe you guys?” Nick can see that there are actual tears in Charlie’s eyes and he instantly feels bad for laying it all on him.

“Uuhhh… I actually don’t know exactly, but maybe around fifty thousand pounds?”

“What?!”

Nick tries to pull his hands away, but Charlie won’t let him. "Yeah," he says with a humourless laugh, with his voice barely more than a whisper. “It’s only that much because he actually has a decently paying job, like, he’s not in the top 1% or something, but he has more money than a regular person. Which makes it even worse that he just stopped paying.” 

“What the fuck? Why didn’t your mum… why didn’t you guys… oh god, it all makes sense now, doesn’t it?” Nick isn’t sure if Charlie is even talking directly to him or what exactly he’s saying, but it’s honestly not the reaction he expected. 

It sounds like Charlie is blaming his mum and that just really doesn’t sit right with him. She was always there for him, she always tried to protect him, if there’s someone to blame it’s Nick. He’s twenty-eight years old, he’s known about his dad fucking them over for ten years now and not once has he had the guts to call him out on it and just ask for the goddamn money. All he did was just never reply to his dad’s messages again until his father stopped trying. Not that it took long for him to give up.

He finally successfully manages to tear his hands away from Charlie’s and tries to stand up. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have put this on you. You can stay in the flat while he’s here or something, this is not any of your-” 

Charlie seems to finally snap out of it and abruptly grabs Nick’s hands back, effectively stopping him from leaving. “No! Please don’t go. Oh god… I didn’t mean to sound like you or your mum is to blame. Please believe me, that’s absolutely not what I meant. That number just shocked me, I’m sorry I know it’s none of my business. Please don’t leave, please don’t .”

Nick, who is still hovering awkwardly somewhere in between standing up and sitting down, takes one look at Charlie’s face to realise that he really didn’t mean to come across as mean or anything like that. He sits back down and cradles Charlie’s face in his hands. “No, it’s all good. You have nothing to be sorry about, it was just the first time I’ve told someone the full story and it’s a sore subject.” Nick places a soft kiss on Charlie’s forehead and releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “If you want to be there, I would really love to have you. I think… I think I need you.” He hopes that Charlie can hear how vulnerable Nick is trying to be with him. 

“Then I will be there, every step of the way. And I will be glaring at him until he feels so uncomfortable that he offers you guys the money straight away, and some emotional compensation on top of it.”

“To be fair, I don’t think the money is the reason he’s asked to come see us.” Nick hates to admit it, but deep down he believes that it’s just going to be another thing that’s supposed to hurt his mum, and probably Nick too.

“Nevertheless, you do plan to ask him for the money, right?” Nick tries to avoid Charlie’s gaze, but it’s no use. “Nick, it is such a huge amount that is legally yours and your mum’s, the things you could do with it, you could be free .”

“I know… I know. We need the money, there is no way around it and I already promised mum that I would do it.” Nick admits quietly. 

“So what I am hearing is that I should wear the crop top after all, so the money thing isn’t the biggest elephant in the room today?”

🐄

“Can you please stop pacing and sit down?” Sarah looks like she’s about to restrain Nick if he doesn’t calm down soon, but he just can’t get himself to relax properly. 

After their talk, him and Charlie had spend thirty more minutes just lazing around in the sun and watching the cows, with the cheeky make out session here and there, and it did a really good job at taking his mind off his father, but now that he was supposed to arrive any minute, Nick felt like he was going to throw up. He hasn’t seen his father since he was sixteen, and he hasn’t talked to him at all in ten years. What could be so important that he is willing to come all the way to the North of England from Paris? After all these years of no contact, Nick can’t imagine that it’s going to be just a nice, “oh hey I missed you here’s your money bye,” thing. 

He looks over at Charlie who’s sitting next to his mum at the table and, to be fair, he doesn’t look to be doing much better than Nick. For obvious reasons he isn’t wearing the crop top, but he is wearing Nick’s rugby jumper and even though Nick had told him that he didn’t have to do that, he was adamant about wearing it to show Nick’s father that the three of them are a united front. Nick told him that unfortunately he wasn’t sure if Charlie looked as intimidating as he wanted to, but Charlie assured him that if it came to that, he had a lot of not so nice words up his sleeve that he was more than happy to confront Stéphane with. 

“Chances are he isn’t coming anyway, right?” Nick can’t help but give his mum a hopeful look. 

“I mean, yeah, there is always a chance, I remember all the Christmases he said he was going to show up and never did, but unfortunately in this case I think he is going to show. After all, he was the one who called and asked if he could come.” 

Nick pauses for a second, unsure if he even wants to say out loud what’s going on inside his head, but he can’t help it. “Am I a bad person for not wanting to see him? He’s my father .” 

As soon as the words leave his mouth, he feels even worse than he did before. What if what his father did isn’t even that much of a big deal and Nick is just blowing it out of proportion? After all, he did still have a good childhood and his mum is literally the best person he could have ever asked for. She gave him everything and literally sacrificed so much just so he could go to university and here he is, acting like an ungrateful brat just because his dad hasn’t talked to him in a few years. Isn’t that extremely unfair to her? There are much worse things than some abandonment issues, other unspeakable things that have happened to people he can’t even start to imagine.

Nick checks the time and realises that it’s only ten more minutes until the time his father said he would arrive. Did he have enough time to run upstairs and have a quick cry before that? He can’t imagine-. “Nick… Nick. Hey, do you hear me?” Suddenly his thoughts stop, and he feels a hand on his elbow desperately clinging to him. 

“ Baby , are you back with us?” And oh, the term of endearment instantly brings tears to his eyes, but no matter how hard he tries he can’t bring himself to say anything to Charlie. It’s like he’s stuck in this weird place between his spiralling thoughts and reality and if he dares to move, he’s afraid that real life is going to be even worse than what his brain just came up with. 

Charlie throws his arms around Nick’s trembling body, and gently guides his head into the space where his neck and shoulder meet. “I’ve got you, my darling.” He starts stroking Nick’s hair gently and after a few more tense seconds, Nick’s body finally gives up and completely relaxes into Charlie’s embrace. He settles his hands on Charlie’s waist and gives it a quick squeeze, still too afraid to say anything, but desperate to show the other man how much he appreciates him. 

“I’m here. And your mum too, and we will be there for you every step of the way, no matter what he says or does to you, you are not alone, okay?” Nick manages a weak nod in response and he can hear Charlie exhale. “Good.” He squeezes Nick even tighter, before starting to let go of him slowly. 

When they are face to face, Nick notices the concerned expression on Charlie’s face and it causes his stomach to turn uncomfortably. “I need you to know one more thing before he gets here. You are not a bad person— he is.” Nick starts to protest, but Charlie shakes his head at him. “No, don’t you say it. I’m a hundred percent serious. He is your father and he basically abandoned you, when he is supposed to be one of the most important people in your life. He is supposed to support and love you, unconditionally, and instead he fucked off to fuckass Paris and made you feel bad even when you went to visit him. And then one day he just decided to not ever speak to you ever again, like that’s a normal thing to do. It isn’t, I need you to know that, and you have every right to be angry and pissed and sad. What he did was awful, Nick, and you don’t deserve any of this.” 

There are now tears coating Charlie’s cheeks too and Nick can’t help but wipe them away with his thumbs as gently as he can. “I need you to believe me, please believe me.”

Finally, after what seems like years, Nick finds his words again. “Thank you for being here with me.” 

Charlie raises an eyebrow at him, definitely not expecting this kind of response from him. “Always. I am your… uh, I am your fiancé, there is nowhere I’d rather be.” He places a soft kiss on Nick’s forehead and just as he’s about to reply, they can hear a car pulling into the driveway and Daisy gets up from her spot on the couch and to position herself at the front door. If she could, Nick is sure she would be giving him a worried look right now.

“Shit, okay. Shit!” He ruefully pulls away from Charlie. “Let me wash my face, I’m going to be back in a second. Please don’t go anywhere, the both of you. I need you.” He gives his mum and Charlie a pleading look before vanishing into the downstairs bathroom.

After splashing his face with water and giving himself a pep talk in the mirror, Nick finally steps back into the kitchen and is greeted by his mum and dad sitting on opposite ends of the table. Charlie is hovering near the kettle, apparently preparing cups of tea for all of them, and he gives Nick an encouraging smile when he notices that he’s back. His father’s back is to him, he hasn’t noticed Nick yet, so Nick uses the opportunity to blow Charlie a silent kiss before clearing his throat.

“Hey dad,” Nick scolds himself for the way his voice is wavering a bit. “Long time no see I guess.” 

Stéphane abruptly turns around and Nick instantly notices the way his eyes wander over his whole body, carefully studying him from head to toe. If this was a different situation he could be led to believe that his father was making sure that he’s alright, but in this case he’s sure it’s more to scrutinise him. After a few more seconds of silence, Stéphane finally speaks. “Bonjour Nicholas, c’est un plaisir de te revoir.” (Hello Nicholas, it’s good to see it again)

“Ah, bon?" (Is it?) Nick almost laughs and then curses himself for instantly accommodating his father and slipping into French. “En faite, j'apprécierais qu’on parlerait en anglais. Pour que maman et Charlie, mon fiancé, puissent comprendre.” ( Anyway, I would be more comfortable if we would speak in English. It’s only fair to mum and Charlie. My fiancé.)

He tries his best not to look away while saying the word fiancé, which also means that he doesn’t miss the way his dad’s eyes widen in shock at it. 

The silence stretches between them and Nick can feel Charlie shifting around uncomfortably in front of him, but he still doesn’t look away, daring his father to say something inappropriate. “D’accord?” Is all he says after he gets fed up with Stéphane just staring at him like he’s some zoo animal.

“D’accord.” Stéphane hesitates for a second. “Sorry, I mean of course. I’m just not used to it. Your brother David always speaks to me in French and I just thought-”. This time it’s Sarah who pointedly clears her throat to effectively shut Stéphane up. 

Without saying anything else, Nick makes his way over to Charlie, who has just finished pouring the cups of tea. He takes two from him and places a kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, sweetheart.” Then he turns around and puts one cup in front of his mum, who gives him a grateful smile, and the second one in front of his dad before sitting down himself. Charlie comes over too, giving him his own cuppa before hovering next to his chair awkwardly. 

“Do you want me to leave?” Charlie’s voice is barely more than a whisper, but luckily Nick can hear him. 

“No!” Nick makes sure that his voice is loud enough for his dad to be able to hear him as clear as day. “I want you here. I need you.” He takes Charlie’s hand in his while pulling him into the chair next to him, not letting go of it even after Charlie has settled down properly. 

Nick expects his father to say something, anything, but instead he just watches him squirm and look around uncomfortably. As if Nick’s day hasn’t been exhausting enough already, now he also has to deal with a grown ass man who is too cowardly to say why he has suddenly come all the way from Paris after ten years. “Please, can we just get it over with?” He raises his eyebrows expectantly at him, but Stéphane keeps on avoiding any eye contact. 

“Okay, well let me start then, huh? I know you haven’t paid any child maintenance since I’ve been twelve years old. And I know we haven’t said anything in all those years, but we need the money. You’re going to give us the money.” Nick hopes that his voice sounds stronger than he’s feeling right now. 

“I can’t- I don’t have that, uh, I don’t have that kind of money right now.” Stéphane looks completely caught off guard, like that’s the last thing he had expected Nick to say and if the situation wasn’t as dire as it is, Nick would have probably started laughing out loud at the way his dad really thought he could waltz back into his life without addressing the literal biggest elephant in the room. 

Just as Nick opens his mouth, his mum suddenly starts speaking. “I frankly don’t care about that, Stéphane. It is legally our money. We need it, there will be no discussion about it and if you aren’t going to pay we will go through the legal process. We have suffered the consequences of you not paying for your own child for eight years, and it ends now.” She raises his eyebrows at him, daring him to say anything out of line. “We have let this slide for way too long, and that’s also on us, but I think my lawyer would be really interested in taking on this case.” 

Nick knows that there’s no lawyer and almost laughs, but instead he just squeezes Charlie’s hand to stop himself from exposing his mum’s lie. 

“I don’t know how to... I don’t have it all right now. What then?” 

“Then we come up with an agreement, a payment plan, literally anything to make you finally pay for what you are responsible for,” Charlie suddenly says, “you have let these amazing people suffer alone for way too long. It’s a lot of fucking money and we all know it.” 

Stéphane once again says nothing and Nick is suddenly filled with so much rage that he doesn’t even know what to do with it. He has never felt like this before, but seeing his father sit in front of him, looking like the embodiment of misery itself and acting like he isn’t the cause of it all, is making him unbelievably angry. 

He squeezes Charlie’s hand even tighter. “I need you to listen to me right now, dad. We haven’t seen each other in eighteen years, haven’t spoken in ten and you sit here and act like that’s a normal thing to do for a father, the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally. And to top it all off, you just randomly stopped paying child maintenance and left mum alone with all of the costs because… What, you just felt like it? Probably woke up one day thinking oh you know what, I actually don’t wanna pay for my son anymore, my own flesh and blood . Because you had David, perfect David who did everything you wanted him to and was oh so happy to go along with all of your mind games, is that it?”

“Nicholas, I-” Stéphane starts, but Nick interrupts him. “Please, if you are going to make up lies and excuses, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t think I can take it, to be honest.” 

“I please, I… I need you to understand that… I just couldn’t pay for it anymore.”

“What the fuck does that mean? Your contractor job pays well enough, we know that.” Nick is on the edge of his seat by now and he knows that if it wasn’t for Charlie’s hand in his, he would have probably already started crying. “What do you mean?”

“I’m trying, I’m trying to say it, okay. It’s actually the reason why I came here today, why I wanted to talk to you in person.” Stéphane’s voice is trembling a bit and Nick almost feels bad for him, but he keeps reminding himself that it’s him who’s the victim in this situation and not his father. 

When nobody says anything, Nick starts to reach for his mug, desperate to do anything to keep himself from staring at his father.

“When you were eleven, your half sibling was born.” 

At first, the words don’t register and Nick turns to look at Charlie to gauge his reaction to the whole thing. As soon as he realises that there are tears gathering in Charlie’s eyes, he looks back to his dad. “What did you just say?”

“The reason why I never asked you to come back to Paris to visit is because I became a father for the third time. And for the first two years I really tried to juggle all three of you but it just got so expensive and since David was living with me I had no choice but to… to, uh, to make the decision I made.”

Nick’s head starts spinning, there is no way his father just actually said those words. His brain can’t even keep up with all the information he just got within the last seconds; it’s like something has turned his whole life upside down and decided to trample on it too for good measure. 

He has a half sibling? An actual person he is related to and had been kept away from for the past eighteen years? He thinks about the fact that David was probably so delighted by the fact he got another sibling, someone he can get along with better than he did with Nick and who he can shape to be just the way he wants them to be. It makes him feel like he’s about to throw up any second and he knows that Charlie feels it too, if the way he’s rubbing his back softly is anything to go by. 

He’s just about to get up and make his way into the bathroom when it suddenly hits him. This is not on him, this is not something he has caused. This is entirely his father’s fault and he can’t give in and run away now.

“So you made the decision to abandon me? To leave mum and me high and dry and to let us fend for ourselves when you knew how much we depended on your money? The fact that mum had to work overtime AND pay for my tuition and food and the mortgage and everything that came with it? For the house you chose, by the way!” 

“Nicholas, please.” Stéphane tries to say something, but Nick waves him off. 

“No, I really don’t wanna hear it. Is that all? Is that why you came?”

“Well, actually, when Louise turned eighteen she asked us if she could meet you so I thought–” His father keeps on talking, but Nick stops listening as soon as he realises that coming here and telling him the truth wasn’t even his father’s choice. He only did it because his daughter wanted him to. If it wasn’t for her, Nick would have probably never known the truth, with his father being too much of a coward to tell him. 

He gets up suddenly, feeling like if he stays in this room for any longer he might suffocate. He can’t stand looking at his father, who looks at him like a wounded animal but at the same time doesn’t have an ounce of remorse showing on his face. His mum hasn’t moved or said anything ever since the whole thing started and he shoots her an apologetic look before turning back to Stéphane.

“I think it’s best if you leave now.” Stéphane opens his mouth and starts to protest, but Nick shakes his head at him firmly. “No, this isn’t a choice. It’s time for you to go.” 

Nick watches as Stéphane looks over at Sarah, like that’s going to change anything, but she just stares at him blankly. “Nick’s right, you should go now.”

Stéphane looks defeated, and for the first time since he has stepped foot into their house, Nick thinks he might even look a bit sorry about what has just gone down, but the thought is gone as soon as Stéphane starts making his way outside without even as much as one glance back.

Nick follows him, with Charlie still right by his side and they come to a stop in the doorway, watching his father make his way to his car. Just as he’s about to get in, Nick clears his throat once more. “Don’t think this changes anything about the money by the way. We need it, you need to make it work. I frankly don’t care how, but we will be getting it.”

Without waiting for a reaction, Nick closes the front door behind them and instantly collapses into his mother’s arms. 

Chapter Text

-

On judgement day they'll be glued right to the bed.

And you'll look and tell me "Baby, you remember what I said?"

I know who you are, you'll be fine,

I know who you are 'cause you're mine.

-

The past two days are a bit of a blur to Nick. If you were to ask his mum or Charlie, they’d probably tell you that Nick was completely out of it and had said barely five words a day. Nick himself can’t remember much except for going through the motions of looking after the animals, going for walks with Daisy and maybe eating a meal here or there. He had tried his best to seem normal, but especially his mum was looking at him like she expected him to have a full on breakdown any moment.

He doesn’t really blame her, to be honest. When he had first closed the door behind his father, he did find himself in his mum’s arms, crying like he was six years old again after his dad had left them for the first time. Then, the tears stopped after only five minutes or so. And just never returned. 

Crying wasn’t unusual for Nick; he has always been a very emotional person that wore his heart on his sleeve. It made sense that the fact that he hadn’t cried in two days, except for those initial five minutes, worried his mum. At first, she tried to get him to talk, promising him over and over again that she had no idea that his father had been hiding a whole ass sibling for the past eighteen years, and he believed her. He wholeheartedly believed that there was no way she would keep something like this from him. 

But somehow, no matter how much he wanted to rant and curse and scream about what had happened, the words didn’t leave his mouth. Not even Charlie had managed to get him to talk, even though Nick had come pretty close to breaking down when they were both lying in bed that night. Charlie had let his hand wander up and down Nick’s spine again and again, there was something about the repetitive gesture that had caused him to choke up, but neither any words nor tears were able to make their way out of his body. 

He hadn’t talked to his friends about it either, but he suspects that his mum had probably told them to give him a bit of space since the group chat has been eerily silent ever since that day. 

Now, two days later, after getting most of his work done for the day, he and Charlie are lying on the sofa, pretending to watch Bake Off. Or more like Nick is pretending to watch the show and Charlie is openly staring at him like he has grown a second head. 

“Do you know that we haven’t kissed properly in days?” It’s obvious that Charlie doesn’t want to say since that day your dad dropped a fucking bombshell on us , but Nick knows that’s obviously what he means. 

“I-”

“Don’t you dare apologise, that’s not why I said it,” Charlie murmurs and starts getting up from his end of the sofa, making his way over to where Nick is lying awkwardly on the armchair he’s way too big for. “If you don’t wanna kiss ever again, that’s fine by me. But, baby , I’m saying it because I know that it’s a clear sign that you’re not doing alright right now. Which is perfectly fine, if I was in your situation I would probably be crying non stop but you’re… you’re not even doing that. You haven’t cried in two days and that scares the fuck out of me, Nick.”

Nick’s stomach drops. He knows that Charlie is right, but he wasn’t expecting him to be this clear about it, let alone to call him out on not crying. “Can we not talk about it?” he begs. 

If he’s being honest with himself, he does want to talk about it, especially with Charlie, but suppressing it seems like the safer choice than having to face it all over again. And even worse, to have to start figuring out what to do about the whole thing. His dad said that his half sister wants to meet him, but is that something he’s even ready for? He hasn’t seen his actual brother in eighteen years and now he suddenly has a half sibling that was born at the exact time they broke off all contact with him. 

Objectively, he knows it’s not Louise’s fault. He’s not even sure how long she has known that Nick exists, but he can’t help but resent her just a little bit. For living part of the life that could have been his, even though he knows he would have always chosen to stay with his mum if he would have been given a choice.

“Hey.” Suddenly, Charlie places his hand on Nick’s cheek and brings him back to reality. “We don’t have to talk about it, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. But I think maybe it would help you figure things out.”

Nick nods and sends Charlie a grateful smile. “What do you want to do?” Charlie starts to speak, but Nick promptly cuts him off. “Oh god, I just realised I haven’t checked in with you for two days now. You literally had an accident like a week ago and here I am moping and moaning about my stupid dad. I really am the worst p- …,uh, fiancé ever. I am so sorry Charlie, I promised to take care of you and somehow I’ve made it all about myself for the past few days. I’m going to do better, I promise.”

“Oh my god Nick, you giant idiot.” Nick knows that Charlie is trying to cheer him up, but his brain is still wiring with ways to make it up to Charlie and show him that he didn’t mean to neglect him and his health for so long. The more he thinks about how he has just slipped into a routine of acting like this is completely normal and not fucked up at all, the worse he feels. 

Sometime in the past few days he has let himself believe that he can just play this game of pretend forever, but if the talk with his father has shown him anything, it’s that they are still in deep shit money wise. If he doesn’t think of something soon, there will probably be another letter form the bank, or worse they send another one of their guys to check in on them. And then what? They see Charlie and all hell will break loose before Nick can come up with a proper plan on how to keep Charlie and the farm. 

He makes a mental note to ask Darcy about that part time job at the pub as soon as possible. If they manage to pay off even a tiny part of their loan, hopefully the bank will realise that they are working on it and leave them alone for a few more weeks, or at least until Nick can come up with something else. Now that his father is aware of the fact that he knows about child maintenance, he hopes that they can work out a way to get the money back, even if it’s in small payments instead of everything at once. At this point, every pound they can pay back is going to be essential in order to not lose the farm. He has put off thinking about the loan for a week now, blaming it all on being so distracted by Charlie and then his father, but he knows it can’t go on like this.

Nick has to get his shit together. But first he has to take care of Charlie.

“You know that your feelings and your health are just as important as mine, yeah? It doesn’t matter if your conflicts are not physical or whatever, there is no hierarchy when it comes to the two of us. I take care of you and you take care of me, and sometimes one of us just needs a little more care than the other one. And that’s fine .” Charlie slowly lets his hand slip under Nick’s shirt, letting it settle somewhere on his back just above the waistband of Nick’s jeans. Feeling Charlie’s skin on his, even if it’s just his hand, is sending shivers down his spine and he can feel himself relax. 

“Let me take care of you today, please .” Charlie says while still hovering awkwardly on the armchair’s armrest, so Nick carefully grabs his waist and starts manoeuvring him into his lap. He makes a sound of protest when Charlie’s hand slips away from his back in the process, but as soon as Charlie is settled properly, he returns it to its rightful place and lets it wander to one of Nick’s love handles. 

“I love this part of you, did you know that?” Charlie hums appreciatively and gives the skin there a soft squeeze. “I love how broad and muscular you are, but there’s just something about the places where you are soft and warm that drives me especially insane. It’s like you’re literally the best of both worlds.”

By now their faces are so close to each other that Nick can feel Charlie’s breath on his lips and he can’t help but smile. “Do you know which one of your soft places I like the most?” Charlie’s voice is barely more than a whisper and Nick shakes his head in awe. 

“Your lips, darling.” He says and places a quick kiss on Nick’s lips before pulling away again, smirking at him. “I think they are probably my favourite place in the whole wide world.” 

Before Charlie can say anything else, Nick finally pulls him in into a proper kiss that tries to make up for all the kissing they have missed out on in the past two days. 

After a fifteen minute make out session that turns Nick’s brain to literal mush, he sighs contentedly and leans his forehead against Charlie’s. “So?” He raises one eyebrow suggestively, even though there is no way Charlie can see it.

“Hmm… I would give it an eight out of ten, maybe?”

“What?” Nick gasps. “First of all this was me asking what you wanted to do today and second of all no way was this just an eight. It was at least a nine point five, you menace!” 

Charlie starts giggling at Nick’s fake outburst and for the first time since his father had stepped foot inside their kitchen, Nick’s whole body feels like it’s his own again. He feels a lot lighter, even with the weight of Charlie on top of him. And he knows that Charlie did the right thing by calling him out on his bullshit and even if they didn’t really talk about anything, just being close to the other man again and letting himself feel something other than panic and worry is doing wonders for his nervous system.

“How about we go to the beach today? I’m not sure how far it is really, but maybe we could take Daisy and just make a proper date out of it.”

“I would love that,” Nick whispers and places a lingering kiss on Charlie’s forehead. 

Instead of moving away from Charlie, Nick lets his nose wander down the side of the other man’s face and buries his head in the crook of Charlie’s neck, placing another kiss on the soft skin where his neck meets his shoulders. He can feel Charlie chuckle lightly, but instead of saying anything, Nick just tightly winds his arms around Charlie’s waist and stays where he is. 

Charlie stays as still as possible, but after a few minutes he removes his hand from where it’s still sitting under Nick’s shirt and starts scratching the short hairs on the nape of Nick’s neck. “If you want to stay home for another day, I understand. What happened with your dad wasn’t fun at all, it’s normal to feel awful about it.” His voice is barely more than a whisper, but with Nick being so close to him he hears every word as clear as day.

For a second he considers telling Charlie that he really wants to stay home and just cuddle with him and Daisy the entire day, hopefully sneaking some more of those stomach-turning kisses between them, but if Charlie wants to go to the beach then that’s what he will get. 

There is no doubt in Nick’s mind that one day there’ll be a time when Charlie won’t be his anymore, not that he really is at the moment, but it would be stupid to waste the precious time they still have together by moping around on the couch just because his dad has upgraded from a shitty person to an a grade asshole.

“No,” Nick murmurs against Charlie’s neck. “I want to give you a day you’re gonna love.”

“Nick… baby , every day I get to spend with you is a day I love. I don’t care if we lie on the couch all day or are knees deep in cow shit, it doesn’t matter to me. All that matters to me is you.”

Suddenly, Nick feels like he’s been struck by lightning. Even though the words should have made him feel better, they somehow evoke the exact opposite reaction and he abruptly pulls away from Charlie. He tries to put some space between them, but with the other man still sitting in his lap the best he can do is lean back as far as possible.

“How can you even say that?” Charlie stares at him like he’s lost his mind, but all Nick can focus on is the way his insides feel like they’re about to make an appearance on the floor in front of him. “You barely even know who I am!” 

“What?” Charlie stutters, he sounds like he’s about to cry, but it doesn’t register with Nick at all.

“You don’t know me, I don’t know you.” As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Nick regrets them. But ever since he has let himself get used to the idea that he’s probably falling in love with Charlie, he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about the way this is not real. None of this is real: they’re both playing a role in this fucked up version of his life. It’s like they’re playing house and they’re mere seconds away from it all crumbling down on them and there’s nothing Nick can do to stop them from colliding against a wall. A wall that can only end in heartbreak and the biggest loss of his entire life. 

The fact that his dad made such a sudden appearance and proceeded to drop the worst possible bombshell on him didn’t do anything to deter him from thinking that his life is truly fucked. Deep down, he knows that he doesn’t deserve good things happening to him. And Charlie is something good, something great even, that he’s probably gonna destroy sooner rather than later. 

Nick doesn’t know how to stop it, doesn’t know how to make all the things and lies he’s told Charlie right. It’s like a spinning wheel that’s getting faster and faster.

The more time he spends with the other man the deeper his feelings for him get—how could they not when Charlie is everything he could ask for and more—and therefore the harder it will be to come out at the end still standing when everything eventually crumbles. 

“Nick!” Charlie’s voice suddenly snaps him out of his thoughts and Nick finally looks at Charlie properly. He’s still sitting in his lap, but his whole body has gone rigid, like he’s in shock or angry or a mix of both. He also looks like he’s about ready to bolt any second. “What the fuck are you on about?”

Charlie looks absolutely devastated, and for a second Nick considers telling him the truth—the whole truth. In a way, he would finally be free of the weight of lying and scheming, but he can't bring himself to do so. He knows losing Charlie is inevitable, but if he can still get a few more good days with him then he needs to take advantage of them. It almost shocks him how desperate he is for just a few more moments with this man. He’s always been a bit of a romantic, but this is another level of feelings and in a way it scares him to death. 

It’s completely selfish of him, but if he can delay this heartbreak by a few more days or weeks, he will do so. He says the only thing he can think of: “I don’t know.”

“Nick, you’re not making any sense at all, what’s happening right now? I thought- I thought we were good?” 

“We are, you are . I’m afraid you are one of the only good things in my life.” He means for it to be reassuring and make this all go away, he wishes he hadn’t even said anything to begin with, but Charlie shakes his head at him and finally gets up. Nick instantly misses his warmth and he hates himself for thinking about how he would never feel it again if he told Charlie the truth.

“Well, to be honest, from what you’ve just said it really doesn’t sound like it.” Charlie takes a few steps back. He can see tears welling up in his eyes, but he keeps staring at Nick like he’s challenging him to say something else, like he’s determined for him to just spit it out. 

“Okay, you want to know the truth?” Nick sighs and Charlie nods and crosses his arms in front of his chest. As he does so, Nick can see that his hands are shaking a bit and it makes his stomach sink. Making Charlie this upset was the last thing he ever wanted to do. 

“My head is messed up. It’s all messed up.” Charlie tries to say something, but Nick just shakes his head at him. He tries to untangle his thoughts without spilling out every single secret he's been fighting so hard to keep. “No, seriously. It’s not only because of my dad. Well, I mean obviously it’s a big factor for what’s happening right now, but everything that has happened to you and with you just makes me feel so guilty. I know that it’s technically not my fault, I didn’t cause the accident myself, but it feels like I’ve been taking advantage of you. You don’t even know me, and I’m acting like it’s fine to just play house with you and pretend that this isn’t weird or wrong. I am a stranger to you, and somehow you’re also one to me.” He panics, realising that his mouth said more than his brain intended to. “Uhm… I mean because you’re obviously not the person that you were before. Which is fine, obviously, but it’s just… complicated.” 

Nick keeps staring at his hands, trying to keep himself from looking at Charlie in fear of having said too much. Then again, maybe if Charlie gets angry at him and tells him to fuck off, he’d be able to get out of this before he loses his heart completely. Nick doesn’t want to call himself a coward, but he knows all too well that ripping off this bandage himself is going to be one of the hardest things he will ever have to do.

“Maybe it’s okay that we don’t know each other,” Charlie whispers. “Uh… Like we used to, I mean. Like, we obviously knew each other before.” When Nick finally looks up at Charlie, the other man is trying to smile at him reassuringly, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Nick’s about to ask if he’s alright, but Charlie just continues rambling. 

“That sounded weird, don’t mind me. I clearly don’t know what I’m saying.” He clears his throat and starts walking towards where Nick is sitting, but instead of settling down in his lap again, he sits down in front of the armchair, still putting a considerable amount of space between them. He takes a deep breath and Nick all but shudders—out of relief or fear, he’s not quite sure yet.

“What I meant is that we can get to know each other. I thought that’s what we have been doing anyway, to be honest. We can just pretend that we’ve only met a week ago, just with the added bonus of me already living with you.” Nick almost laughs at the irony of what Charlie just said, because if he only knew how true that is, but he can’t bring himself to do anything but nod.

“Yeah?” There are so many more things Nick wants to say, but he can’t quite articulate them and looking down at Charlie, it seems like the other man isn’t in the mood for a lot more conversation either. Ever since Nick had said his piece, Charlie seemed anxious and Nick wasn’t quite sure he was ready to ask why just yet.

“Yeah.” Charlie smiles up at him. “Just one day at a time, okay? Like any other couple that’s just getting to know each other. We’ve done it once, we can do it again, but even better this time, if that’s even possible.” Again, Nick has to bite his tongue to keep himself from barking out a laugh, except this time from humour. Oh, if only Charlie knew.  

“Okay, yeah. I’m sorry again, for snapping at you like that. I think I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed, but it's not an excuse for me to take it out on you especially since you’ve been so lovely to me.” Nick looks down at his hands again, still feeling guilty. “So, do you still want to go to the beach? Might be good for us to get out of the house.”

“No sorrys, and yes, let’s go and touch some grass. Or stones, more like.” Charlie laughs and the sound makes Nick’s heart feel a bit lighter. 

“Next time we’re going to plan this better and I’m going to take you to a beach that has actual sand.” Nick presses a kiss against Charlie’s temple before getting up and looking down at the other man still sitting on the floor. “And preferably on a day that’s much warmer than today.” 

The weather outside isn’t too bad, but they’re still going to have to bundle up if they want to stay outside for a bit. “You better make sure you put on one of my hoodies then, I don’t think any of the ones you got from the vintage shop are quite winter ready.” 

“Oh dear!” Charlie fake gasps and gets up from where he was still sitting. He shoots Nick a smirk and lets both of his hands settle back on Nick’s hips, giving them a soft squeeze. “That is really unfortunate for me, how will I ever survive?” 

Nick’s heart skips a few beats at the way Charlie is looking at him with adoration written all over his face. He can’t believe that just a few minutes ago they were fighting, and now Charlie is looking at him like he hung the moon. There’s some uneasiness trying to make its way back into his gut—screaming at him that nothing has really changed, that he is still lying to Charlie and making a fool out of himself by believing this can go anywhere—but before he can spiral any further, Daisy is suddenly squeezing in between them. 

“Hey girl,” Charlie whispers and bends down, making Nick immediately miss the warmth his hands brought him. “We’re going out. Not just on a walk, we’re going to the beach!” 

Nick doesn’t know if it’s the word walk or beach that causes it, but Daisy immediately starts wiggling her whole body at what Charlie said and the whole action of it makes him laugh. He bends down too, just a few inches away from where Charlie is scratching the dog’s back, and lovingly takes her head in his. “You heard Charlie right, yes you did!” He places a kiss on her head. “I’m sorry for abandoning you a bit in the last few days, we’re going to make up for it now, okay?” 

🐄

About an hour later, after Charlie had grumbled about not being able to wear Nick’s Leeds hoodie since it was still in the wash and Nick had offered him a purple Carhartt one instead, Nick parks the car in the lot right by the beach.

They had spent the car ride in mostly silence, with Nick’s hand planted firmly on Charlie’s thigh, who had spent his time alternating between patting Daisy and playing with the hairs at the nape of Nick’s neck. 

The silence itself hadn’t been awkward though. Nick had a feeling that they were both still reeling from the argument earlier, but being in each other's presence, reassuring each other with little touches and humming along to some Bon Iver, was enough to cause their nervous systems to be able to calm down. 

Just as Nick is about to remove his hand from Charlie in order to get out of the car, the other man quickly traps it with his own hand and slowly brings it to his lips, placing a quick kiss there with a twinkle in his eye. “We’re good .” 

Nick’s face immediately heats up and he can’t stop a smile from spreading across his face. He knows Charlie didn’t phrase it as a question, but he can’t stop his insecurities from taking over. “Yeah?” His voice is barely more than a whisper. 

Charlie, who is still holding his hand, gives it another tight squeeze. “Yes. What has happened in the past really doesn’t matter to me. I mean it, it really, really , doesn’t.” 

The words are probably meant to reassure Nick, but the way Charlie can’t meet his eyes while saying them makes his stomach flip uncomfortably. He can’t quite put his finger on it, but something about the way Charlie said it doesn’t sit right with him and just as he’s about to open his mouth to ask Charlie to clarify what exactly he meant by that, the other man swiftly pulls his hand away, opens the door, hops out of the car and motions for Daisy to follow him.

As soon as the door closes behind him, Charlie starts making his way towards the beach, leaving a too stunned to speak Nick behind in the car. He can’t make sense of what just happened. Surely Charlie was just talking about the fight, right? There is no other explanation that would make sense, considering the fact that what has happened since the accident are hopefully mostly good memories and not stuff to forget. Nick knows he hasn’t been the best fake fiancé, especially in the last few days, but there is no denying that Charlie is way happier now than he was when he first showed up on their doorstep. 

Nick doesn’t even need to know the specifics of what had happened in his past to realise that it had to be something horrible that made him become such a dislikable person. And it’s crazy to think that, now that he has forgotten so much of what he is, Charlie has practically completely turned around and is one of Nick’s favourite people in the world. 

Maybe the remark about not caring about his past has something to do with the way he reacted when Nick brought up his family a few days ago. Except for this Tori person, it didn’t seem like Charlie cared for them very much, and that was after the accident, meaning whatever had happened, happened before Charlie went off to uni. 

That must be it. Nick really can’t come up with anything else and the more he tries to make sense of what Charlie had said, the more he is giving himself a headache. Considering that he was the one who started the fight earlier, for literally no other reason than him being a coward once again, who is he to judge what Charlie says or does. Guess that’s another thing that he promises to solve later, but will probably be shoved way too far back in his brain. 

Shaking his head, he finally manages to get out of the car and starts following Charlie and Daisy, who are almost at the shoreline by now. It’s not the warmest day outside, considering it’s still September, but Nick had made sure that Charlie was all bundled up in one of his hoodies and a beanie. At first, Charlie protested about wearing the beanie, complaining that it would mess up his hair, but if there’s one thing that Nick had learned in the past few days, it’s that Charlie can’t say no to his best puppy dog eyes. 

“You okay? Not too cold?” Nick wraps his arms around Charlie from behind when he finally catches up with the two, and he can feel the other man relax at his touch. For a second he’s not sure if Charlie has heard him, but when a content sigh escapes his lips, a grin spreads across his face. 

“Yeah,” Charlie murmurs and fully leans his body against Nick’s. “And I also know if I really get too cold you’re going to lend me your jacket anyway.” 

Nick fake gasps, “Oi! And what about me?” 

Before Charlie can answer, Nick quickly slips his hand under the hoodie Charlie is wearing and splays his hand over the other man’s abdomen. He knows his hand is probably too cold for the move to be romantic, but instead of complaining Charlie puts his own hand on top of his, making sure it’s not going anywhere. “Please, don’t act like you’re not a walking furnace. I’m surprised you’re not standing here in nothing but a shirt.” 

“Oh, nothing but a shirt, huh? I bet you would like that, sweetheart.” 

“I should have known this is just an excuse to get me to tell you how hot you are, once again .” Charlie doesn’t turn around, but Nick can hear it in his voice that he’s smirking. 

Nick is grinning too and decides to stay silent. Instead, he gives Charlie’s tummy a soft squeeze and buries his head in the crook of his neck. He stays like that for a while, just breathing in Charlie’s scent and listening to the sound of the waves around them. His smell is a mixture of the shampoo and conditioner they got him when they went into town a few days ago, coconut, and Nick’s body wash and laundry detergent. Nick wanted to get Charlie his own body wash too, but Charlie was adamant that he wanted to keep using Nick’s, arguing that there was no use for his own one when he was constantly surrounded by Nick anyway. The blush on his face as he said it told a different story, but Nick decided to let him get away with it. 

With one last kiss pressed onto Charlie’s neck, Nick pulls away from him, accompanied by a whole lot of complaining by the other man. 

Nick laughs and takes Charlie’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers properly and giving it a good squeeze. “Come on, let’s walk for a bit and then we can go and check out the pier. Get something to eat and maybe play a few games.” 

They both make their way up the beach, throwing the ball for Daisy once in a while, but never straying apart from either other. Their hands stay tightly intertwined the whole time and Nick feels like he and Charlie both need that reassurance after that awful day they had. He knows that Charlie told him that it’s all good, but he’s still more than happy to show the other man how much he cares about him by staying as close as he can and sneaking a few kisses when Daisy isn’t looking. 

It warms Nick’s heart to see how much she already adores Charlie. Not that it’s hard to win the dog over, but Charlie could have also turned out to not be a dog person, or not an animal person in general. Which he supposes was the case before the accident, considering that he protested against even going near the cow’s barn when he had first arrived. 

There are so many things Nick would love to ask Charlie to help figure out what had happened to him, but unfortunately he can’t come up with a single way to make it not obvious that he has only known him for a little over a week now. 

It’s obvious that there’s this magnetic pull between them, making itself known every time they touch, and Nick swears that if they had just gotten to know each other sooner, maybe during grammar school, things would have turned out so much different for Charlie. He would have never had to turn into this bitter version of him that seemed to not care about anything else than himself. 

Suddenly, Charlie comes to a stop and Nick bumps into him, not paying the least attention to where they have been walking to and only following wherever Charlie’s hand took him. 

“Some games and then food?” Charlie cooks his head to the left and Nick follows the movement, realising that they’re standing right by the pier’s entrance. The sun hasn’t fully started setting yet, but it’s definitely not as light outside anymore as it was when they had arrived and Nick can’t take his eyes off the twinkling lights that are adorning the signs on the inside of the arcade. 

It isn’t really inside, the games and rides are still positioned mostly outside, but there’s something resembling a roof that is supposed to protect the machines from any potential bad weather. 

“Yeah, come on. I want to win you something from the claw machine!” Nick says and starts dragging Charlie down the pier, Daisy lazily following behind them.

Ten minutes, and way too many pound coins later, Nick is starting to get more than frustrated with the claw machine. All he has been trying to do is to get one of the purple teddy’s for Charlie, but of course the damn machine won’t cooperate with him.

“Nick, babe, you know these are rigged right? Like, the whole purpose of them is you not being able to win anything, they just want your money.” Charlie is trying to stifle his laugh, but there’s obvious glee in his voice. 

“I know,” Nick grumbles just as he puts yet another pound in the damn machine. “I want to win you something though. Those teddy bears are so big anyway, how is it possible that I can’t hold onto any of them?”

“You don’t have to win me anything!” 

“But I want to!” Nick knows he sounds like a little child, but he can’t bring himself to care at this moment. His brain is telling him that if he wins something for Charlie, he will be able to prove to him that he’s worth sticking around for. That he didn’t mean to be such an asshole this afternoon and how much he likes him, without actually having to say the words. 

He has thought a lot about putting it into words, has spent the past few days thinking about it actually, but he has come to the conclusion that it would make things way too real. And considering the situation they’re in, being real is a very tricky thing for him right now. 

“Okay, one more and then I’m dragging you away. It’s not like we’re exactly swimming in money, anyway.” Charlie is trying to keep his tone light and Nick knows it’s supposed to be a joke, but he can’t stop the pang of regret from filling his stomach. Charlie is right, of course he is, Nick is being a total idiot throwing away the little money they have for absolutely nothing. 

“You’re right, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m so determined. It’s stupid.” He sends Charlie a warm smile. “Maybe a good luck kiss for the last one?” Nick bats his eyelashes at him, and Charlie takes one step closer to him before putting both of his hands on the sides of Nick’s face. “You may be a bit of an idiot,” he presses a soft but determined kiss on Nick’s lips, “but luckily you are my idiot.” 

Once again, Nick’s stomach erupts into a thousand butterflies and he has to shake his head a bit to concentrate. “Okay, gotta get my head in the game,” he whispers more to himself than anyone else. 

For the last time, he puts a pound coin into the machine which comes back to life and he sends a quick look to Charlie, who is sending him an encouraging smile right back. 

Operating the claw machine isn’t rocket science: it’s basically just one big stick you have to move around until you’re happy with the position it's in and then you press one green button to lower the claw down. From there, everything is out of your hands and you can’t do anything but watch another pound go down the drain. Or so Nick thinks.

A few minutes of contemplating and repositioning later, Nick finally presses the green button and intently watches the claw making its way towards one of the teddy bears. At first it looks like it might even hit its target, but he soon realises that he has gone a bit too far to the left and the claw sails right past its intended goal. His stomach sinks, looks like this is just another thing he had managed to mess up.

Not wanting to see the bright red “You Failed!” sign flash, he turns away from the machine and towards Charlie, reaching for his hand to drag him over to the fish and chips stand. He’s more than ready for food after all of those epic failures. 

But Charlie isn’t even looking at Nick, he’s still intently staring at the claw machine. “Charlie, let’s go, I'm hungry.”

“Oh god no, Nick, look. Look!” Charlie is vehemently pointing at the machine with the biggest smile on his face and just as Nick is turning back around again, he realises that the claw has picked up a small square box and is currently transporting it to the hole that will let it fall through to the outside. 

“What? But I wasn’t even aiming for that, I don’t even know what it is!”

“Oh my god, that doesn’t matter anyway. You did it, you got something!” Charlie is grinning at him like a lunatic and Nick can’t help but join in. “Yes,” he places a kiss on Charlie’s lips, “but it’s only because you were my good luck charm.”

Charlie blushes but doesn’t say anything else otherwise. The plonk sound of the box landing in its designated area steals Nick’s attention away from Charlie and he manages to grab it before Charlie does. “It’s yours anyway, I just want to know what it is first.” 

He winks at Charlie and opens the box, not expecting a lot, maybe just a shabby keyring or something but his stomach literally drops into his ass as soon as he realises what it really is.

It’s a ring .

It’s obviously plastic and a bit too tacky for Nick’s taste, but it’s a ring nevertheless and he can’t take his eyes off it. The box is still angled away from Charlie, so he doesn’t know what it is yet, and for a moment Nick contemplates just throwing it over the railing and into the ocean. Just so he doesn’t have to deal with the implications of it. 

He can’t give this to Charlie, he just can’t. Yes, they are supposed to be engaged and Nick had told Charlie he simply hadn’t had enough time to get him a ring yet, but he was never planning on actually giving him one. Because doing that would make it even more real, something that Nick can’t stomach considering the fact that it’s all fucking fake. 

Nick wishes so badly that this was real, in literally any other situation he would be ecstatic to find out that fate had twisted this stupid claw machine in such a way, but right now it only feels like there’s a gaping hole in his gut that is only getting bigger. Maybe if Nick lets it, it will eat him inside out and he doesn’t have to deal with feeling like this anymore. 

But of course that’s not what happens, because suddenly Charlie snatches the box out of his hands and all Nick can do is watch helplessly as realistation also dawns on the other man's face. “ Oh .”

“Yeah, oh.” Nick doesn’t know what else to say, he’s too afraid to even breathe properly. 

“Well… I,” Charlie clears his throat. “I guess I would have expected my first ring to be anything other than plastic. But it kind of fits us, don’t you think?” He’s smiling a bit, but it fails to properly reach his eyes and Nick knows there’s something else he wants to say but doesn’t. 

For a few seconds Nick doesn’t know what to say. There is no way he can let Charlie keep it. Even if it’s just stupid plastic, the implications of what it means are way too big to handle, for the both of them. Especially with him being the only one that knows that they aren’t really engaged, he’s the one that has to do something to stop it, and fast. 

“You don’t have to wear it, it’s ugly anyway.” Nick tries to snatch the ring back from Charlie, who just takes a step back and shakes his head at him. Charlie properly removes the ring from the box, putting the packaging in the front pocket of his hoodie, before examining it even more closely.

“You’re right, it’s really, really ugly.” 

Nick opens his mouth, ready to tell Charlie once again to just forget about it and throw it away, but before he can say anything Charlie extends the ring into his direction and raises his eyebrows at him expectantly. “Put it on me, please?”

If Nick were a better man, he would tell Charlie to quit messing around and throw the thing away. 

But because he is so far gone for the person standing in front of him, whose face is so full of affection and earnesty, he slips the ring on Charlie’s ring finger despite the screaming match going on inside of his head.

It fits perfectly.

Chapter Text

-

And I wonder why I tear myself down to be built back up again,

Oh, I hope somehow, I'll wake up young again

All that's left of myself, holes in my false confidence.

-

“Good morning, Nicky,” Sarah says as soon as Nick enters the kitchen through the main door. He sends her a small smile before getting rid of his wellies and coat, dropping them off in the mudroom to make sure that they’re not getting anything else dirty. Once he’s back in the kitchen, his eyes immediately fall to the chair Charlie usually occupies at this time of the day, and he can feel himself starting to pout a little at the fact that he’s not there. 

Just as he’s about to ask where he is, his mum presses a hot cup of tea in his hands. “He’s taken Daisy for a walk, said he needed to get out of the house for a second. I promise you will survive without him for like thirty minutes or so.” 

Nick starts grinning as he thinks about the past few days. Ever since they had returned from the beach, it was like they had finally fallen into some kind of routine. It wasn’t anything special per se - Nick basically did what he had always done by looking after the animals and the produce - but now he had the added bonus of Charlie helping him with a lot of things. Even though Charlie didn’t know what he was doing most of the time, just having him there was enough to make Nick’s day so much better. 

With every passing day they spend with each other, it is getting harder and harder for Nick to focus on the fact that what they are doing is indeed fake and something he has to keep up in order to make sure he and his mum will still have a home next year. But on the other hand, with Charlie being even more affectionate and lovely ever since the fake engagement ring fiasco, the lines are getting more and more blurred. 

“And also I need to talk to you anyway,” Sarah says and Nick’s mood instantly shifts, going from daydreaming about Charlie to welcoming yet another uncomfortable lump in his throat.

He tries to swallow his fear and instead makes his way over to the stove, shoveling a bunch of scrambled eggs and veggies on his plate. “Okay?” 

“I’m not trying to upset you darling, but we need to talk about your dad,” Nick starts to protest, but Sarah just shakes her head at him. “ And the money thing.”

He knew it was coming, it’s been nearly a week since his father had showed up on their doorstep and dropped not only one, but two bombshells on them. And he knew the longer he tried to suppress it, the worse it would get in the end. He had put off the money thing for too long already. It's been two weeks since Charlie entered his life and at first he had told himself he just needed a few days to get used to it all, but now there wasn’t any other excuse except for the fact that he was avoiding the whole thing.

Nick is aware of the fact that he is behaving like a coward, trying to hide behind every little conflict that comes up in order not to have to face the finances and take a proper look at them. Because as soon as he sits down at that desk and starts looking through all the files carefully, he knows his world will come crumbling down when he realises how bad it really is. So far, he only knows an estimated amount of money they apparently owe the bank - his mum said it should be somewhere around thirty thousand pounds - but something tells him that it’s far worse than that.

If the look on Charlie’s face, back when he was the one looking through all the files, is anything to go by, they are in deep shit. 

“Nicky,” Sarah says when Nick sits down at the table beside her. “It will be okay, we will get through this, okay?” She squeezes his hand and Nick tries to give her a reassuring smile. It doesn’t really work though, because instead of smiling back, Sarah just clears her throat uncomfortably. “So, your father called me yesterday. He… he asked to talk to you but I told him you were unavailable.” 

Nick nods gratefully; as much as he wants to be able to man up and face his dad, he really doesn’t think he can. Just thinking about having to talk to him so soon after what had happened makes his whole stomach seize up uncomfortably. He forces himself to take a bite of his breakfast, aware of the fact that whatever is going to come out of his mum’s mouth isn’t going to be fun. “So?” 

“He asked how much he owed us.. or you for that matter. I told him that the government definitely sent him a letter once a month and he should just add that up himself, but of course he threw the letters away. I just…” Suddenly there are tears in Sarah’s eyes and Nick can’t stop his own ones from getting wet too. He shuffles his chair closer to hers, so he’s able to put one of his arms around her shoulders. “I just don’t get it, how he could care so little. You are the most wonderful boy in the world and he’s such an… uhm… he’s such an asshole!” 

“Mum!” 

“Sorry, sorry,” she laughs. “But you know it’s true.”

Nick laughs too and squeezes her shoulder tightly. “Yeah, he is. He is a giant fucking asshole.” 

“That’s the only time I will let you say that, and we will never talk about it again, Nicky.” 

Nick pulls his arm back and tries to focus back on his breakfast, willing his mum to keep on talking. The sooner he knows what’s gonna happen, the sooner he can force himself to finally do something about it. 

“So, I told him I can get the child maintenance service on the phone and ask them and he instantly panicked. He thinks if I remind them that he hasn’t paid a single penny for eight years they are going to make him pay the whole thing all at once, and he emphasized again how he really, really can’t do that.” Sarah rolls her eyes. “ Anyway , we’ve agreed on sixty thousand pounds, I think it’s-” 

Sarah tries to keep talking, but the sound of Nick’s fork clattering against the floor shuts her up. She looks at him curiously, but Nick can’t help but stare at his unfinished breakfast, unable to meet her eyes. “Did you say sixty thousand pounds?” His voice is barely more than a whisper. 

“Yeah? I think he owes you more, to be honest, but I also couldn’t be bothered to argue with him again.” Sarah says and Nick still feels like he’s been hit over the head. He can’t even start to imagine that amount of money. Everything they could have done if they had gotten the money earlier races through his head. The cows wouldn’t have to suffer through another cold winter in the run down barn, his mum would finally be able to get a new kitchen and not have to fear for her life every time she tries to use the stove, and that damn roof that has been leaking and causing mold in the attic for the past two years. Everything could have been prevented, if his father could just have been a decent human being.

“That’s so much money, mum,” is what Nick finally gets out after having calmed down a bit. “What the hell?”

“Baby,” Sarah turns her body so she’s fully facing Nick and cradles his face in her hands. “That man hasn’t paid for a single thing for eight years straight, and he has a more than decent salary, even if he would never admit it. He’s well off, and you deserve to have a part of that. He is your father, and even though he will never act like one, he needs to pay up. It’s the least he can do.” 

Nick can’t stop a few tears from escaping his eyes. It’s not like he didn’t know that it had to be a decent amount of money, but he is still overwhelmed by the number. He can’t stop thinking about everything they could do with it to make their lives so much easier. Even after paying off the loan, there would still be enough left to fix the barn and a few more other things around the farm. It would take the biggest load off his shoulders.

“Here’s the thing though. He can’t pay it all at once, so we agreed on three thousand pounds a month. Which… I know we don’t know how much the loan exactly is, but I remember Robin talking about twenty five thousand pounds, more or less. So if we don’t want them to send another… person to take away our livelihood we need to come up with some additional income,” she continues while carefully wiping away the tears escaping Nick’s eyes with her thumbs.

“Yeah, I know. I already talked to Darcy about working with her at the pub, I have my first shift tomorrow.” Three thousand pounds a month is a start - that’s way more income than they have had ever since his step dad died, so he knows he can work with it. If he could only figure out the stuff with the bank, and communicate with them, he knows they could come up with some payment plan. One that will work this time. 

“That’s good, I don’t want you to take on more work, honestly, but I think we need it, at least for a year or so. I genuinely don’t know how to go about the whole thing, if we only could…” She trails off, focusing her gaze on the fork that is still lying on the floor.

“If we only could what?”

She clears her throat. “I know you don’t want to, because you’re scared of what might happen, but asking Charlie for help is always an option. It is his job after all.”

“No!” Nick suddenly panics, struck by the thought that if Charlie gets triggered by seeing the files again, he will be gone faster than Nick can even start to explain the past two weeks. “I can’t lose… erm… I mean, I can’t have him go back to the bank, you know what happens if he does. And also, he doesn’t remember anything about his job, so it doesn't make sense to ask him. Please don’t ask him.”

Suddenly, the main door bursts open and Daisy comes running through it, promptly making her way over to Sarah to get her daily scratches, followed by a wet, but smiling, Charlie. 

“Please don’t ask whom what?” Charlie asks and makes his way to the mudroom, getting rid of his wet clothes and hanging them up right next to where Nick had left his own stuff earlier.

Too stunned to answer, Nick just watches Charlie disappear and reappear a few seconds later. Sarah had moved away from Nick when Charlie had burst into the house, so Charlie easily makes his way to where Nick is sitting and positions himself in Nick’s lap without even thinking twice. “Good morning,” he murmurs while placing a lingering kiss on Nick’s lips. 

Nick’s hands instinctively come up to hold onto Charlie’s waist and one of them sneaks underneath his hoodie, reveling in the warmth that spreads through his body as soon as he feels Charlie’s bare skin against his own. He’s careful to do all of this out of Sarah’s sight though, he really doesn’t want to have to deal with any more questions right now.

“So?” Charlie asks while placing another kiss on Nick’s cheek. When he seems satisfied enough with showering Nick in affection, he turns in Nick’s lap so he can see Sarah too. “What or who were you talking about?”

“Uhm…” Nick starts and looks over at his mum, willing her to save him. But instead of coming to the rescue, she seems to be in her meddling mode once again. “Finances, of course. It’s always that way, isn't it.” She pauses for a second. “Stéphane has agreed to pay, but he says he can only pay three thousand a month, which is not enough to start paying off our loan properly.” 

Without breaking his eye contact with Sarah, one of Charlie’s hands finds Nick’s and he immediately intertwines their fingers. Nick gives him a grateful smile and squeezes his hand tightly, hoping to convey how thankful he is for his presence.

“Okay, so… how much is the loan, exactly?” Charlie asks and there’s something unmistakably worrying about his voice. 

“Funny story actually,” Nick clears his throat. “We, uh, we don’t really know?”

Nick expects Charlie to call him stupid, or at least ask him what is wrong with them, but instead of doing anything like that he starts laughing. It’s not a loud one, more like a chuckle, but it still causes Nick’s stomach to settle a bit. He knows this isn’t a laughing matter, but somehow Charlie being here and not judging him for being an idiot who would rather avoid everything instead of facing the truth, makes him feel a little bit better about everything. It doesn’t make sense, because it doesn’t solve any of his problems, but having Charlie right by his side makes things more bearable. 

“Okay,” Charlie squeezes his hand again. “That’s obviously not good, but we can do it. We can look through all of the files together and come up with a plan, okay? Stepahné’s monthly money is obviously not enough, but it is something we can work with. We just have to figure out how much is missing, and then consider what other options we have to increase monthly income. This isn’t something that we will solve within a week, it’s going to be lots of monthly payments and coming up with a detailed plan we have to stick to, but it’s not the end of the world. We will get through this.” 

Charlie probably doesn’t even notice that he’s doing it, but the way he keeps on repeating the fact that they’re in this together makes Nick’s stomach flip. Obviously in a good way, since he thinks Charlie really means it when he says that they are a team and it implies that he is planning on sticking around, but it’s not only sunshine and rainbows. 

He can’t let Charlie into his office and look at all the stuff though. What if it triggers a flashback and he suddenly remembers the entire shitshow that had gone down the last time he had been in that room? It’s a disaster just waiting to happen. 

But on the other hand, he probably has no other choice; he doesn’t know anyone else who he could ask for help with this. His friends are a lot of things, but they are definitely not financial wizards. 

“Darling,” Charlie’s hand on one side of his face suddenly brings Nick back to reality. “Let me help, I want to help. I didn’t go to university for nothing.”

Nick knows Charlie is right and just when he’s about to tell him so, he frowns. “But didn’t you say you don’t remember anything about uni?”

“Oh, yeah.” Suddenly Charlie’s weight is gone from Nick’s lap and all Nick can do is watch Charlie make his way over to the kitchen counter, flicking on the kettle. “Yeah, of course. I just meant I wasn’t planning on studying Finance at uni for nothing, you know? Obviously I was good at maths in school and I’m sure I still know more about it than you guys do, no offence. I just… please let me help.”

Every argument that Nick has instantly dies on his lips when he sees the way Charlie is looking at him. It’s with so much open sincerity that Nick knows the other man is being completely truthful about just wanting to help, and, if he’s learnt one thing in the past two weeks, it’s that he cannot resist him. It doesn’t matter how hard he tries - Charlie has already buried himself so deep in Nick's heart, that he would move heaven and hell for him. 

So, as much as he wants to say no, too afraid of what consequences it might have, he doesn’t have it in himself to decline. And also from an outsider’s point of view it makes absolutely no sense to tell Charlie no, and he has to keep that in mind in order to keep up the facade. 

Nick hopes that his voice isn’t wavering too much. “Okay, yeah, why not?”

Charlie’s whole face lights up at Nick’s words, and that alone makes every consequence he might have to face worth it. 

🐄

Charlie insisted on starting as soon as they had all finished their breakfast, saying that the longer they put it off the longer Nick would feel awful about it. Of course he was right, but just the thought of letting Charlie into his office made Nick want to throw up everything he had eaten in the last few minutes. 

So, an hour later, here they are, standing in front of Nick’s office. The only thing that’s stopping Nick from having another panic attack is the weight of Charlie’s hand in his. He can’t bring himself to move, opening and closing his mouth to tell Charlie to forget it all and go hang out with the cows instead, but before he can say anything Charlie opens the door and walks right over to the desk.

The files and all the receipts that Nick had gotten out the last time he had been in there, which was also when Charlie had laughed straight into his face while announcing that they were going to lose their home for sure, are still exactly where they were when they had left the room. If Charlie thinks anything of it, he doesn’t say.

Instead he gingerly walks over to the chair and sits down, sending Nick a soft smile and beckoning him to come closer. “Come here, darling,” he murmurs before taking Nick’s hand back into his and squeezing softly. “This is scary, I get it. Believe me I do. But we will get through this, I promise you. This is what I do, I’m a problem solver.” Suddenly, he withdraws his hand and clears his throat, clearly uncomfortable. “Why don’t you go get me another cup of tea while I start looking through this, okay?” Nick just nods, unable to say anything while having the biggest lump stuck in his throat. “I will start looking through it and add the numbers up, you don’t have to be here for that. You trust me, right?”

“More than anything in the world.” Once again, Nick’s mouth is faster than his brain and he silently curses himself for being so bold, but the smile Charlie sends his way more than makes up for it. He places a quick kiss into Charlie’s hair and starts making his way back to the kitchen, more than happy to get away from the thing that could potentially ruin his life forever. 

Objectively, he knows that with his father’s money and working at the pub they should be able to come up with a plan to start paying off the loan and get back on track, but his life has changed so much in the past two weeks that he has a hard time thinking about a time where this thing is not looming over his head anymore. He literally went from not knowing anything about their money problems one day, to almost having everything ripped away the next. And somehow he even got himself a fake fiancé in the middle of it all. 

The kitchen is empty when he returns to it so he starts making them fresh cups of tea as slowly as possible, wanting to give Charlie some time to get into the finances without having Nick nervously hovering over him the entire time. He’s still not sure if it’s a good idea to get Charlie involved, but even though he’s suffering from amnesia he’s still the most competent person in this house right now so he really has no other choice. 

His gaze falls onto the dirty dishes they have left in the sink so he decides to take care of those too, trying not to spiral too much about what Charlie is looking at right now. It’s not like he can change it anyway; what’s done is done and now they have to find a way out of this mess, even if it means he’ll probably have to have the hardest conversation of his life later. 

Twenty minutes later, the dishes are washed and put away and the cups of tea are ready, so there is literally nothing else for him to do than go back to the office and face whatever is waiting for him there. He gingerly opens the door, not wanting to disturb Charlie too much, but the other man doesn’t even notice when he enters the room, too busy scribbling away in Nick’s notebook and typing away on the calculator. 

Nick doesn’t say anything and simply places Charlie’s cup of tea within his reach, careful not to put it too close in case it gets knocked over. That seems to bring Charlie out of his bubble and he sends a grateful smile at Nick, who is now sitting down opposite him in the same chair Charlie had sat in two weeks ago. 

“So?” Nick asks gingerly, not wanting to disturb him too much, but also way too anxious to just stare at him. 

Charlie doesn’t even look up from what he’s doing. “Give me five more minutes, then I’m done.” 

“What? Already?” Nick asks, unable to keep the doubt out of his voice.

“Darling, yes, I’m good at this.” Charlie still isn’t looking at him, way too caught up in what he’s doing so Nick is unable to read his face at all. He was hoping to gauge how bad it really is based on his reaction, but it seems like he has to wait a bit longer. 

He doesn’t know what to do with himself, staring at Charlie is usually a good use of his time, but in this case it just makes him even more nervous. Instead, he just pulls his phone out of his pocket and starts scrolling Instagram aimlessly. He hasn’t properly used anything other than Whatsapp ever since Charlie showed up on his doorstep, so he has quite a few posts of his friends to catch up on. There is even some new stuff from friends and colleagues he had in London and seeing them live their best lives really doesn’t do anything to settle his nerves. 

Just as he exits out of Instagram to message the group chat to ask what they are up to, Charlie quietly clears his throat and Nick’s head instantly snaps up to look at him. Charlie’s face is still unreadable and Nick can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing. 

“So,” Charlie starts and takes a quick sip of his tea. “There is good and bad news. The bad news is that you owe the bank a decent amount more than Sarah has said, but the good news is that with your father’s money and some more tweaks we need to implement you will be able to pay it off within the year. Which is crucial, since I don’t think the bank is going to leave you alone for much longer if you don’t come to them with a proper plan. And considering you have not paid them anything in quite a while, you need to get started as soon as possible.” 

Nick doesn’t know what to say, the fact that it’s even more money than his mum thought is like a punch straight into the gut. The twenty five thousand pounds was already an overwhelming amount of money, and he can’t even imagine how much more it could be. He can feel the tears start to form in his eyes, but before he can even let them fall Charlie is suddenly right in front of him. 

“ Baby , please, I need you to calm down. We will get through this, okay? I’ve come up with a plan and we will kick that loan in the ass, I promise you. It’s going to be hard for a while, but it will work.” 

“Okay,” Nick takes a deep shuddering breath and finally looks up at Charlie, who is looking at him with so much open affection that it makes his heart skip a beat. “Yeah, okay. Okay. Hit me with the numbers then, let’s get it over with.” 

“Come with me then,” Charlie says and motions for Nick to bring his chair over to his side of the table so they can look at the calculations together. 

As soon as he is seated, Nick’s eyes fall onto the big £38,567 on top of the page and he instantly feels like crying again. That’s more than ten thousand pounds more. What the fuck?

“Before you panic,” Charlie puts his hand on top of Nick’s thigh and squeezes tightly. “I know this looks like a big number, it is a big number, but with your father’s money it really isn’t a lot of additional income we need to generate in order to get through the next year or so. It looks scary right now, but let me explain okay?”

Nick can’t do anything but stare at the number written on the page, so he just nods dumbly. 

“Okay. So, your mum said your father agreed to send three thousand pounds a month, yeah?” Nick nods again. “Right, so, three thousand a month means that that’s already thirty six thousand a year. Now, don’t get excited yet, because we can’t take all of the three thousand pounds a month and give them all to the bank, you’ve still got to live. I know it has worked so far, but I’ve also seen the state the farm is in and it’s not going to be easy to keep it running for another year without doing any repairs. And not losing the farm is like the whole point of why we’re doing what we’re doing.”

Nick shoulders sag and just as he’s about to open his mouth, Charlie squeezes his thigh again to shut him up. “Don’t you dare apologise, not a single word. I don’t want to hear it, okay? What’s done is done and now we just have to deal with it. That’s how the world works.” Charlie places a quick kiss on Nick’s cheek.

“So, we’ve got your father’s money, but we need to hold some of it back each month just for basic necessities and for taking care of things around the farm. So let’s say, we take two thousand pounds each month from your father, that leaves roughly £1,214 more we need to come up with. From what I’ve seen you make around two hundred pounds each month from selling the eggs, milk and the other produce you sell to the people in town. That’s good , but that’s not nearly enough darling.”

Charlie takes a deep breath. “I know it pains you, but you will need to start charging them proper prices for what they are buying. These are not eggs from some farm where the animals get treated like shit, Nick, these eggs and milk are worth way more than what you are charging, and you need to start acting like it. Let alone the juices I know you’ve been giving Darcy for free. You’re not a charity that can afford to give away things for nothing, baby.” 

“I know you want to help people, to make their lives easier, but it’s time to take care of yourself now.” 

Nick doesn’t know what to say, he knows Charlie is obviously right, but it’s just the way they’ve always done things. The way Robin has always done things, and he’s so scared of messing it all up. What if people start hating him? This town has always been so generous and welcoming of his family, rallying together to support Sarah when Robin had died and Nick was still in London. He can’t just start messing it all up, can he? What if people start resenting them and then he ruins everything his step-father had worked for? 

So instead of saying anything, he just buries his head into Charlie’s neck and remains quiet. They sit like that for a few minutes until Nick finally pulls away to face Charlie properly. “You’re right.” His voice is barely more than a whisper but he knows Charlie can hear him.

“It’s gonna be shit, I won’t lie to you,” Nick chuckles, “but I will talk it through with mum and we will come up with the appropriate prices. Let’s just hope the people in town won’t resent us for it.” 

“I will be by your side every step of the way, okay?” Charlie places a lingering kiss on Nick’s lips which causes his nervous system to settle down a bit. He knows it’s going to be shit, but he has wasted enough time already not doing anything. If he wants to save their home and build a proper, financially sustainable, future for them he needs to do this. There is no way around it.

“And then there’s the job at the pub. You’ve got your first shift tomorrow, right?” Nick nods. “That’s great, if you take up like three to four shifts a week it should be fine to get us going properly. I know it sounds like a lot right now, but if we get a good foundation going and the bank sees that we are good for our word and can get them the payments in time, they will leave us alone. The last thing we need is for them to send someone here and see, uh… Well, we just don’t want that.” Charlie suddenly looks away, unable to meet Nick’s eye. 

He clears his throat. “Anyway, you are not alone in this. Your mum and I can help with the produce stuff, and of course I’m going to take over looking after the animals in the morning so you don’t have to get up early after your shifts. This is a team effort and we are in this together. And after this year, after the loan has been paid off, I promise you not only will I never let anything like this happen again, we’re also going to take all of the leftover money and turn this into the most beautiful farm you have ever seen. We are going to make Robin so so proud. I promise you.” 

Nick can’t wrap his head around Charlie genuinely planning for the future, planning to stick around and talking about what it’s going to be like in a year . Even if it wasn’t for the fact that he has been lying to Charlie, Nick has never had a partner that was eager to plan for their future and made it obvious that it was something they saw for themselves. He had never met anyone that seemed eager to stay with him and now that he had finally found someone, it’s all fake. No matter what Charlie keeps saying and dreaming about, it won’t come true. Even if they manage to pay off the loan within the next year, the chances that Charlie is still around by then are close to zero. 

From the second Nick had realised that he was developing genuine feelings for Charlie, he had started bracing himself for the moment when he would lose him again. It’s inevitable at this point - there is no way the other man will be willing to stick around as soon as he finds out about all the lying Nick has done in the last two weeks. Even if it was to protect his home and mum, there is no excuse for what he has done and put him through. 

It’s all just a matter of time until he loses Charlie. 

And now with Charlie coming up with this plan to save the farm he will be in even more debt to him, it’s something he will never be able to repay him for as long as he lives. 

“Are you okay?” Charlie’s voice suddenly breaks through Nick’s haze and his eyes finally focus on the man in front of him. The most beautiful and wonderful man he has ever seen, the one he can see himself getting engaged to properly in a heartbeat. It makes his heart flutter; there is no denying now that he’s in deep and that the only way this is going to end is in the biggest heartbreak of Nick’s life. He doesn’t know how to get out of it, but with Charlie right in front of him like this, the only thing he can think about is about how deeply he adores him.

“Yeah, just thinking about you,” Nick says, and it’s not even a lie. He is thinking about him, he just can’t tell him that it’s about how he’s never going to recover when Charlie eventually leaves him.

“Me?” Charlie raises his eyebrows at him and grabs his hand. “What about me, hm?”

“The fact that I could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve you. You are so damn smart, you literally just saved our home within an hour and act like it’s nothing. Like it’s not the sexiest thing in the world.” 

Charlie grins at him, raising his eyebrows suggestively. “Me doing math is sexy, huh?” 

“So, so sexy.” With that, Nick closes the gap between them, pulling Charlie into their most passionate kiss yet. 

It’s unlike anything he has experienced before, and Nick is overcome with the need to be as close to Charlie as possible. If he is going to lose this man, he needs to make sure to make the best of the time they still have together. Should Charlie wake up tomorrow and realise he actually resents him, Nick has to make sure that Charlie still knows how much he adores and desires him, despite the circumstances that have brought them together. 

Charlie runs his tongue over Nick’s upper lip and Nick instantly grants him access, deepening the kiss while grabbing Charlie’s hips and promptly depositing him in Nick’s lap, all while not breaking the kiss for a single second. As soon as Charlie is settled properly, he lets his hands wander down Nick’s chest, making sure to give his pecs a good squeeze and Nick can’t stop a moan from escaping his lips. 

Charlie pulls away from Nick, who makes a noise of protest in return. “Oh, you really like that, huh?” 

Now it’s Nick’s turn to let his hands wander and he sneaks them under Charlie’s hoodie, splaying both of his palms over Charlie’s naked back, which causes the other man to shudder pleasantly. “I would like it even more if you did it with your lips against mine.” 

“Well,” Charlie says while firmly placing his hands back on Nick’s chest. “Your wish is my command, baby .” 

Chapter Text

-

I tied a rope around my waist

I tend to get lost in your eyes

I took a breath, jumped off the cliff

Because you told me to

-

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Charlie asks, for what must be the tenth time that day, whilst watching Nick getting dressed for his first shift at the pub. 

Nick is standing in front of the mirror, trying to decide if he should go with the white vest or just put on a random shirt and call it a day. There’s no dress code at the pub, obviously, but Darcy told him to dress comfortably and prepare for it to get really hot in there, considering it’s a Friday night and it’s going to be packed to the brim. So, going with the vest seems like the more sensible option, since it will make it easier for him to move around and he usually runs hot anyway. 

He can feel Charlie watching him carefully from where he’s sitting on the bed and a small smile creeps on his face when he carefully pulls off his hoodie and meets Charlie’s eyes in the reflection. “You know, Darcy said no because she thinks you will be too much of a distraction for me. It’s my first shift, I need to get my head in the game.” It’s not a lie per-se - Darcy really said no considering there is no way she can close the pub to the public again - but the part with Charlie being a distraction is something Nick had decided for himself. Even if Charlie was able to come, there is no way Nick would be able to concentrate on anyone else than him, especially not after their spectacular make out session yesterday. 

They had stayed in Nick’s office making out on that chair for what felt like hours, and it was unlike anything Nick had ever experienced. Every time one of them had tried to pull away, there was an unstoppable force trying to bring them back together and, even though they didn’t do anything more than letting their hands wander all over each other’s bodies, Nick had never felt so connected to another person. It was like realising that losing Charlie was something that he couldn’t prevent from happening unlocked something within Nick, and he was determined to show Charlie how much he desired him until the day he inevitably got ripped away from him. 

Daisy was the one who had finally interrupted their time together when she squeezed through the half open office door and made it more than clear that it was now her time to get some cuddles in, so they decided to go look for Sarah to clue her in on what was happening. 

When they both told her about the plan to pay the loan off within the next year she got teary eyed and immediately pulled Charlie into a big hug, thanking him over and over for helping them get out of this mess. Even though she also wasn’t the biggest fan of it, she promised to have a chat with the people they were selling their produce to, making sure that they were all aware of the fact that there would be some price increases so there would be no surprises afterwards. She assured him that she thinks people will be supportive of it and he can only hope that she’s right. 

“I knooooow,” Charlie whines and snaps Nick out of his thoughts, “but it’s unfair I won’t be able to see my fiancé be all hot and sweaty. I’ve called dibs on seeing you in a vest and now you’re wearing it when I’m not even around!” He lets his eyes roam all over Nick’s bare chest and the gesture alone sends a zip of desire through Nick’s body. He sends a quick wink to Charlie through the mirror and puts on the vest before turning around and making his way over to the bed. 

He gently sits down next to Charlie, who immediately closes the gap between them so they are pressed against each other. Nick chuckles quietly and puts one hand on Charlie’s chest, starting to push him so he’s lying flat on his back, and Nick follows suit. Charlie releases a quiet sigh when Nick settles his body on top of him and before Nick can ask if he’s too heavy, Charlie puts his arms around Nick’s neck and pulls him even closer. “Don’t you dare move. You’re like the perfect weighted blanket that is not only warm but also smells heavenly.” He presses his nose into the crook of Nick’s neck, which causes instant goosebumps to spread all over his body. 

Nick expects Charlie to move in to kiss him, but instead Charlie starts trailing light kisses all over his neck, making his way up to his ear where he bites Nick’s earlobe gently and it’s like Nick’s brain suddenly short circuits and he can’t stop a moan from escaping his lips. “Fucking hell Charlie, you need to stop, otherwise I’m gonna have to change my pants again.” 

“Would that be so bad?” Charlie’s mouth is still against Nick’s ear which makes it extremely hard for him to concentrate on anything else. 

“Well,” Nick starts while slowly turning his head to look at the clock that’s sitting on the bedside table, “considering I should have left five minutes ago I would say yes. You don’t want me to get fired on my first day, do you?” 

“Ugh,” Charlie groans. “I hate when you use logic on me.” He starts pushing against Nick’s shoulders, signaling him to get off him and it makes Nick laugh again. He knows that the action is pretty half hearted, since Charlie isn’t even putting half of his actual strength into it. 

Nick places one last lingering kiss on Charlie’s lips before starting to extract himself from the other man and making his way back to his closet. Without looking back at him, he bends down to put on a white pair of socks, making sure that he sticks his ass out a little more than is actually necessary. He follows the socks with a nice pair of black washed out wide leg jeans and straightens up to give himself a quick once over in the mirror.

Even without Charlie’s reaction, he has to admit that he looks good. The vest definitely accentuates his strong arms and the jeans sit on his hips perfectly, making him look casual but also good - like he put a bit of effort into it. He knows he doesn’t have to impress anyone, and he definitely doesn’t want to except for Charlie, but it still feels good to wear something other than his everyday farm clothes that basically consist of sweatpants, old ratty jeans and hoodies.  

“You should wear your newer pair of vans, they’ll look good with the jeans.” Charlie says from right behind Nick and Nick turns around in delight. “As much as I don’t want anyone else looking at you, maybe the outfit will get you some tips. It's not like we couldn’t use them.” 

Nick knows that Charlie is trying to keep his voice light, but he can still see the concern in his eyes and his heart immediately sinks. The fact that he’s suggesting Nick would even think about looking at anyone else doesn’t sit right with him. 

“You know I will be thinking about you the whole time I’m there, no one else.” Nick cradles Charlie’s face in his hands and places a lingering kiss on his forehead. “You don’t have to wait up for me, the pub closes at two so I don’t think I’ll be home before three.” He pulls back. “You’re still good to get up early to take care of the animals?” Charlie nods, places a kiss on Nick’s lips in return and sends him a soft smile.

🐄

Nick has been at the pub for barely an hour and he’s already regretting every single life choice he has ever made. 

It’s not awful, it really isn’t, Darcy has made him feel welcome from the first second of his shift, and with everything he still remembers from his bartending job during uni he feels quite confident about what he’s doing. The problem is he really just can’t stop thinking about Charlie. 

Even though it’s only 8pm, the pub is packed. Darcy really didn’t lie when she said it was the most popular one in town, and thank god he’s been fairly busy so far. But every time he has even a single second to himself he can’t stop letting his thoughts wander to the man he left behind in his bed. 

He doesn’t even really understand why he can’t stop thinking about him, it’s not like they haven’t been apart in the past two weeks, but somehow something has shifted inside Nick’s brain and all he can think about is the curly haired man. Has he eaten dinner already with Sarah? Is he currently watching some TV cuddled up with Daisy by his side? Nick would give anything right now to be squeezed onto the way too small sofa with him. 

Just as he’s about to slip into another daydream of combing his fingers through Charlie’s hair, Darcy is suddenly right by his side, jamming her elbow right between his ribs to get his attention. 

“Hey!” Nick says and rubs the sore spot she was just pushing against. “What is wrong with you?”

Darcy laughs and nods into the direction of the tables and the dirty dishes on it, waiting to be taken to the kitchen. “I don’t pay you to just stand around and do nothing, Nick.” 

“Oh, god, yeah. I’m getting right on it, I’m so sorry Darcy.” He can feel his face getting hot as he starts making his way around the bar, but Darcy suddenly holds him back. 

“Hey, I was kidding. Those dishes are not going to run away if you let them sit for a minute longer, it’s all good.” She shoots him a concerned look. “Are you okay though?”

“Yeah,” Nick nods. “I was just, uh… thinking.”

“About?” Darcy suggestively raises her eyebrows at him and Nick immediately knows that he has been caught, she is way too perceptive to not realise what he has been dreaming about, so instead of answering he just laughs and starts making his way over to the tables to collect empty glasses and dirty plates. 

After that, the pub gets even busier and Nick doesn’t have a chance to catch his breath until midnight. Even though he has been running around and making drinks non stop, he finds himself enjoying the tasks and falling back into the rhythm he got used to in uni. He actually knows most of the people he serves, so it’s a nice opportunity to catch up with them and have a quick chat here and there. 

Him and Darcy dance around each other each night, already acting like they have been doing it for months, and Nick makes a mental note to thank her again for giving him this job and being so welcoming. It’s not like he was worried about it per-se, but he has always had a hard time getting adjusted to changes in his life, so it’s been nice to have Darcy by his side. 

Around 1am, when the crowd has finally thinned out a bit and spends some time rearranging the glasses and bottles that have gotten mixed up, he suddenly hears someone shout his name from across the bar. 

“Nick!” The guy is waving at him enthusiastically and starts making his way over to where Nick is standing. At first it’s hard for Nick to make out his face, due to the dim lighting, but as soon as he’s standing in front of him his stomach sinks. Fuck . 

“I didn’t know you worked here!” Tom says while Nick is still trying to wrap his head around what he’s supposed to do, so all he can manage is a weak nod while turning around again to put some more glasses in the dishwasher. 

When he turns back around he silently prays for a miracle, something that will make Tom fuck off without having to have an actual conversation with him, but it seems like Nick is out of luck, because Tom has settled down on one of the barstools and is looking like he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. 

“It’s so great to see you again,” Tom says again and flashes Nick what he thinks should be a suggestive smile. If this had been any other time it probably would have even worked on Nick, but under these circumstances all it does is make him feel slightly nauseous. 

“Oh, yeah.” He mumbles and instantly realises that he’s being unfair to Tom. The other man has never been anything but nice to him, and if he’s being honest with himself he has to admit that the times they have hooked up were good, enjoyable even, but he just can’t bring himself to muster up even one ounce of enthusiasm. If the look on Tom’s face is anything to go by, Nick knows exactly which direction this conversation is going to go in and he has no interest in it. 

This is still his job though and he will not be the one to drive away any of Darcy’s paying customers. “Yeah, it’s my first shift today, actually.” He tries to give Tom what he hopes is a convincing smile and the other man returns it enthusiastically. 

“That’s great, I’m so happy to see you again. You look really good,” Tom says while letting his eyes roam all over Nick’s chest and arms and it causes an unpleasant shiver to run down Nick’s spine. “Where have you been hiding?”

Panicking slightly, Nick starts frantically looking around the room, trying to see if there’s anyone that needs a new drink or if there’s anything he can do to get away from this conversation, but miraculously everyone seems perfectly happy where they are. Darcy is chatting with someone at the other end of the counter, so he can’t even signal her to come and rescue him. 

He looks back to Tom, who is still looking at him expectantly, all while running his hand up and down his pint glass over and over again. The suggestive nature of his actions make it hard for Nick to look at anything else and he hopes that Tom doesn’t take it as a sign of interest. 

Nick clears his throat, trying to keep his tone as polite and neutral as possible. “Oh, you know, we’ve been busy at the farm, there’s lots to do and we have to start getting ready for winter soon.” 

Someone comes over to place an empty glass on the counter right next to Tom and just when Nick reaches over to pick it up, Tom catches Nick’s forearm and gives it a squeeze. “Not too busy for me, I hope?” 

Nick instantly freezes and looks at Tom like he’s lost his mind. “Uh, like… I appreciate it Tom, really, but we really can’t do that anymore.” He slowly pulls his hand back and thankfully Tom lets him without making too much of a fuss about it. 

But just because he let go of his arm it doesn’t mean Tom is eager to let the conversation go if the determined look on his face is anything to go by. “What do you mean? We had some great times, you know I can make you feel good, Nick. You’ve told me so many times.” 

Suddenly, Nick can feel his face flush and he looks down on the floor to gather his thoughts. Tom is right, they had some great times, but it all that feels like it’s been years ago. Thinking about doing anything with anyone other than Charlie makes him feel like throwing up. Not that Tom knows that, but he has a hard time even remembering how once upon a time he loved to flirt like this with Tom, how he felt flattered and wanted by it.

Now all he wants is to get away from him as fast as possible.

“Yeah, but, like, it’s in the past.” Nick clears his throat. “We did have some good times, I’m just not interested in it anymore. It’s nothing against you, I’m sorry.” 

Tom has never been someone to raise his voice at him, so Nick is actually surprised when it happens. “So, what? You’re suddenly not attracted to me anymore?” 

Nick is so caught off guard by the tone of his voice that he doesn’t even know what to say. He knows Tom is a little bit drunk and probably didn’t mean to come off as aggressive as he did, but it’s still unsettling and he tries to catch Darcy’s eye, who is still busy talking to someone else. 

He sighs, resigning himself to having to solve this by himself. “Listen, Tom. As I’ve said I’m not interested anymore, it’s nothing against you but I would like for you to accept it, okay?”

“Oooooooh, I get it.” Tom suddenly laughs. “You’ve got a boyfriend, don’t you?”

“You know I’m bisexual, actually, it could also be a girlfriend.” Nick fixes him with a glare. “But that’s not important right now. I said I’m not interested and that’s that. Do you need another drink or are you going to fuck off?”

He silently curses himself for losing his cool, but he really needs to get this conversation over with. Not only does he want Tom to stop flirting with him, he also can’t risk revealing anything else that might lead to people finding out about Charlie. It’s not like he wants to hide him, but he knows that if word got out about him, it would spread like a wildfire in this town and then Charlie would find out the truth in a heartbeat. Nick isn’t prepared to lose him, not yet, not before he had time to come up with a plan to fix it all. 

Tom starts laughing again, but thankfully starts getting up from his seat. “I know you’re bisexual, darling , but I also know how much you enjoy getting dicked down. See you, mate!” 

Nick can’t even concentrate on the fact that Tom had just revealed his sexual preferences to half the pub, because as soon as he had heard Tom call him darling all the alarm bells in his head went off. He had grown to love the nickname so much from the first time Charlie had called him that, but hearing it from someone else makes him feel extremely icky. It sounds so wrong coming from someone else that wasn’t Charlie that he physically has to shake himself to get rid of the awful feeling. 

When he finally looks back up, Tom is back with his friends and has his back to Nick, so thankfully he doesn’t have to face him anymore. He feels like shit, on one hand he knows Tom usually isn’t like that and probably just wanted to take the piss out of him, but on the other hand it makes him regret every time he had ever let that man in his bed. 

Before he can even spiral any further, Darcy is suddenly by his side. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost, are you okay?” 

“Not a ghost, just Tom.”

“ Oh ,” Darcy says way too loud and Nick instantly shoots her a warning look. “Sorry, I can see how that might be a problem.”

Nick laughs. “Yeah, oh . I told him I wasn’t interested in doing that with him anymore and I think it hurt his ego quite a bit, to say the least.”

“Well, I’m probably the biggest lesbian in this room right now and even I can see that you look hot as fuck tonight, Nicholas.” She lets her gaze wander through the room for a second. “Does Charlie know this pub is basically an unofficial gay pub if it wasn’t for the few bigots that insist on still coming here even if nobody wants them to?”

“Oh shut up, nobody is looking at me.” Nick tries to keep his voice light, but he can’t stop his thoughts from drifting off to Charlie and how he hopes he knows that Nick really doesn’t have eyes for anyone else than him.

“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, if it makes you feel better,” Darcy says and just as Nick is about to protest, she cuts him off. “Go get your stuff and go home to your man, I can handle the few idiots that are still hanging around. You did good for your first shift, Nick, I’m really proud of you, okay?” Darcy places a quick kiss on his cheek before making her way to someone waiting to get another drink. “Same time, same place tomorrow, sweetcheeks!” 

Nick doesn’t waste any time packing his stuff and driving back home, more than excited to take a shower and snuggle up with Charlie in bed. He has gotten so used to sleeping next to him, that he has a hard time even imagining not getting to do it anymore one day. 

🐄

When he enters the house, he quickly takes off his shoes and makes his way over to the stairs and up to his part of the house. It’s almost 2am by now and he doesn’t expect anyone to be awake, so he’s more than confused when he finds Charlie still awake watching Netflix with Daisy by his side. 

“Sweetheart,” Nick whispers and crouches down next to the sofa to place a lingering kiss on Charlie’s forehead. “I told you not to stay awake, you’ve got to get up early.”

Charlie’s eyes instantly focus on him and a huge smile starts spreading across his face. “I’m not tired at all and Sarah offered to take care of the animals in the morning since she’s planning on driving into town early to talk to everyone about the changes we’re making.” Nick’s heart skips a beat when he hears Charlie talking about them as a team. “Also, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

Nick moves his hand to Charlie’s hair and slowly starts carding through his curls, careful not to pull them and hurt him. “Yeah?” His voice is barely more than a whisper and he can see Charlie visibly react to the tone of his voice. “What have you been thinking about?”

Charlie inhales deeply and takes one of Nick’s hoodie strings in between his fingers, playing with it while trying to drag Nick to sit on the sofa next to him. When they are both pressed up against each other, Charlie gives Nick a quick smile and moves to settle down in Nick’s lap. 

Nick lets a quiet sigh escape his mouth as his hands settle on both sides of Charlie’s waist, slowly slipping them under the shirt he’s wearing. “I was thinking about how I want to take you to bed, Nick. If you want that too, of course.”

“There is nothing I want more.” Nick instantly replies, and even though he knows they probably shouldn’t be doing this because it’s only going to cause him to get even more attached, there is no way he can bring himself to say no to having sex with Charlie. Every fibre of his body is yearning for it, has been for days now, and he can’t imagine anything better than finally getting to have him like that. 

There is no doubt in his mind that he has never before felt so connected to another person, and he can’t wait to show Charlie just how much he desires him. 

Without a second thought, Nick removes his hands from Charlie’s waist and places both of them on his ass, making sure that he has a secure grip on him. “Hold on tightly,” Nick says before using all of his core strength to stand up from the sofa with Charlie in his arms. 

As soon as he’s standing upright, Charlie interlocks his legs behind Nick’s back and brings his mouth to Nick’s ear. “You’re so strong, I don’t think you even realise how hot that is.” 

Nick inhales sharply at Charlie’s words and starts walking them to the bedroom, careful not to bump into anything while Charlie is working away on his neck. He briefly thinks about not wanting to have to explain any hickeys to his mum, but when Charlie gives his skin an especially hard suck all of his thoughts fly right out of the window. If getting to have Charlie like this means having an uncomfortable convocation with his mum, then so be it.

As soon as they arrive in the bedroom, Nick gently places Charlie on the bed and covers his body with his own. They look at each other for a second and the intensity with which Charlie stares at him sends a bunch of shock waves through his body and straight to his dick. 

Nick is no stranger to having sex, but they’re both still completely dressed and still Nick thinks he has never been so turned on in his life. There’s just something about Charlie that makes his head spin and he hopes that he has even half of the same effect on the other man. 

Just as Nick is about to take his hoodie and vest off, Charlie puts a hand on his chest to stop him. “You haven’t even kissed me properly yet since you came back.” There is absolutely no malice behind Charlie’s voice and Nick knows he’s just playing with him, so he doesn’t let him wait any longer and smashes their lips together. 

Charlie already tastes like toothpaste and Nick feels a little bad about not taking care of himself before taking them to bed, so after a while of making out, he reluctantly pulls away from Charlie, who makes a massive noise of protest and lifts his hips a little, eager to show Nick that the last thing he wants them to do is stop.

“I know, sweetheart,” Nick says and places another kiss on Charlie’s lips. “How about I jump into the shower really quick, I know I smell like the pub and I can also, like… take care of myself.” 

Suddenly, the smile falls from Charlie’s lips and he frowns a little. “You don’t want me to help?”

“What?” Nick mumbles. “Of course I do, I just…. oh, no. Oh darling no, that’s not what I meant.” He gently presses his erection against Charlie’s to show him just how affected he is by the whole thing and how much he wants him. “No, not like take care of myself in that way, I just thought I could get myself ready for, you know. For you… if that’s something you would want.”

“Oh!” Charlie says and it comes out more like a moan with Nick now being the one pressing kisses all along his jaw and up to Charlie’s ear. “I didn’t know that’s something you would want. I thought…,” he trails off a bit, too distracted by what Nick is doing to him. “I just thought you would want me to bottom.” 

Instead of answering, Nick starts running one of his hands under Charlie’s shirt, scratching lightly at Charlie’s happy trail and making the other man shudder. He keeps his hand just above Charlie’s waistband, not daring to make it any further down yet. “We can do that too,” Nick mumbles, still not stopping what his hand is doing. “I’m usually not really fussed about it, to be honest. So I’m happy with whatever you want to do, I just thought it would be nice to be close to you like that for our first time,” Nick halts, “uh,... like, our first time since the accident. Obviously.” 

If Charlie notices anything weird about Nick, he doesn’t let it show, instead he just pushes his abdomen against Nick’s hand, encouraging him to continue what he has been doing, and puts one of his own hands on Nick’s back, looking at him for confirmation before he lets it wander under Nick’s jeans until it makes contact with his naked bum. 

“Oh!” Nick says as Charlie squeezes it and Charlie gives a satisfied hum at Nick’s reaction. 

He continues massaging it while talking quietly. “I would love that, baby. I’m not too bothered about the logistics either, but usually men expect me to bottom since I’m the smaller one.” 

Nick removes his hand from where he’s still been playing with the hem of Charlie’s joggers and puts them on either side of his face. He places a lingering kiss on his lips. “Well, I for one don’t think you are too small or weak to do anything, and I would love it if you would fuck me.” He says and deepens their kiss, letting his tongue run over the roof of Charlie’s mouth until they’re both out of breath. 

“I’m going to hop in the shower, there are lube and condoms in the bedside table if you want to do something about it.” Nick winks and quickly removes himself from the top of Charlie’s body, who sends him a protesting look in return. His frown quickly turns into a smile though when Nick starts stripping right there in front of him and he gives Nick an appreciative once over as soon as he’s fully naked. His gaze lingers on Nick’s dick, which by now is so hard he’s sure he’s not going to last long at all, and a surge of self confidence runs though Nick’s body at the way Charlie is looking at him.

He knows he’s not hideous, he’s had his fair share of people tell him how hot he is, but somehow Charlie is able to convey so many emotions through his eyes alone and it makes him even more excited to get through this shower and get back to him as soon as possible. 

“Be right back!” Nick shouts as he turns around and almost runs into the bathroom.

He doesn’t even wait for the shower to heat up properly, he just steps in and makes quick work of lathering his body with shower gel, making sure to pay extra attention to his hole to get it ready for Charlie. Usually he would savour his partner doing it for him, but he’s so pent up already that he probably wouldn’t be able to get through Charlie fingering him without cuming all over himself. 

Despite all of that, he still can’t help but enjoy it and while he’s working himself open and he thinks about what Charlie is doing to himself in the other room. He is probably naked by now and Nick cannot wait to get to see his body again, eager to explore every nook and cranny of it. The last time they had taken their shower together Nick had been way too anxious to look at Charlie properly, but now he’s just excited to stare at him for hours on end. 

When he’s satisfied with his work, he quickly rinses off and steps out of the shower, toweling himself off with one of the towels that he had forgotten in the bathroom when he had taken his shower before the pub. He also brushes his teeth quickly, wanting to make the experience as good as possible for Charlie. 

As soon as Nick is back in the bedroom his eyes fall onto the other man, who has indeed gotten rid of all of his clothes and is lying on his back, idly stroking his own cock while looking at Nick. For a minute, neither of them says anything, just staring at each other in awe until Nick is finally spurred into action by the soft moans that keep escaping Charlie’s mouth. He is on him in a heartbeat, slotting their lips together and as soon as their hips meet each other again Nick is sure this is what heaven feels like. With absolutely nothing separating them he is able to feel every ridge of Charlie’s cock and it feels incredible against his own. 

“I think I’m going to last for like ten seconds, tops,” Nick says when Charlie pulls away from him and instead of replying, Charlie’s hand is suddenly on Nick’s cock, softly letting one finger run up and down the length of it. 

“Holy fuck, Charlie,” Nick whispers and lets his head fall against Charlie’s chest. Wanting and needing to do something to distract him from the bursts of electricity he’s feeling cursing through his veins, he moves his head a little bit and tentatively lets his tongue run over Charlie’s right nipple, which causes the other man to jerk his hand away from Nick’s dick.

“Nick! Oh my god, warn a man, will you?” There is absolutely no malice in his voice, so instead of replying Nick sends him a quick smirk and starts making his way down Charlie’s torso, placing fleeting kisses here and there while he goes. 

“Can I?” Nick’s voice is barely more than a whisper as soon as he’s finally face to face with Charlie’s dick. He’s so hard it looks almost painful and Nick feels a strange feeling of pride washing over him at the knowledge that he’s the one that did it to him. 

Instead of answering, Charlie puts both of his hands into Nick’s hair and gives him an encouraging squeeze. This is all it takes for Nick to finally let himself taste Charlie, and he carefully runs his tongue over the head of Charlie’s dick, his stomach swooping excitedly as soon as he tastes his salty precum on his tongue. Charlie tightens the grip on Nick’s hair and Nick takes it as encouragement to keep exploring. He lets his hands settle on Charlie’s hips, making sure he’s not going anywhere before taking the tip of Charlie’s cock into his mouth and slowly letting him swallow the whole thing. 

The further down he goes, the more intense Charlie’s swearing gets and all the praise is going straight to Nick’s own dick, which is desperately leaking onto the bed sheets.  

Nick keeps on going for a few minutes, thoroughly enjoying himself and the noises he manages to coax out of Charlie, until the other man suddenly gives his hair a sharp tug, causing Nick to pull off and look at him.

Charlie sends him the softest smile Nick has ever seen. “If you keep doing that, I’ll cum before I get inside of you, and I really don’t want that. Not today.” He motions for Nick to join him back on the top of the bed and Nick is more than happy to follow.  

As soon as they are face to face again, they let themselves fall back into their now usual rhythm of making out messily and Nick is loving every single second of it. If someone would have told him that he would get to have Charlie like this one day, all pliant and willing to be so open with him, he would have laughed at them. But right here in this moment it feels like the most perfect thing in the whole world. 

“Can I be on my back? I want to see you.” Nick asks and Charlie’s eyes immediately widen at the request. 

“Of course baby - let’s get you settled then.” 

They move around a bit, with Nick taking Charlie’s position on his back on the bed. Charlie takes one of the spare pillows and places it under Nick’s hips, trying to do everything to make it as comfortable as possible for him. 

When they’re both happy with the position they’re in, Charlie lays his full weight on top of Nick. “You’re sure about this, right?”

Nick nods and takes one of Charlie’s hands in his, squeezing some lube on it before leading it to where he has opened himself up earlier. As soon as one of Charlie’s fingers comes in contact with Nick’s hole, both of them curse quietly. Charlie lets his forefinger slip into Nick and Nick throws his head back on his pillow. “You’re the most exquisite thing I’ve ever seen, did you know that?”

He keeps on looking at Nick, who can’t do anything but nod since it feels like every single one of his nerve ends is on fire a hundred times over. “Another two, please. I know you don’t want to hurt me but I’m ready for you.”

Charlie’s eyes widen for a second but he nods and applies some more lube to his three fingers before letting them slide into Nick’s hole. He’s met by little resistance and Nick immediately realises how proud Charlie is of him for opening himself up properly. He can feel a blush spreading all over his face and Charlie notices it too, choosing to place a kiss on his lips instead of saying anything. 

While Charlie is working him even more open with three fingers, Nick is trying not to lose his mind. Not only has it been so long since he had last felt something like this, but all of the sensations are also heightened so much more by the fact that he’s doing it with literally the sexiest person he has ever seen. 

With every stroke of Charlie’s fingers inside of him Nick knows he can’t last any longer, so he reaches over to the bedside table and opens the condom package, handing it to Charlie as soon as he’s done. 

“Baby, are you a hundred percent sure?” Charlie asks while rolling the condom over his dick and applying a generous amount of lube onto it.

Nick intertwines his hands behind Charlie’s neck and pulls him into a kiss. “I’ve never been more sure of anything ever.” 

“Okay, just try to relax for me, okay? I’m going to make this so good for you, I promise.”

Nick nods and spreads his legs further apart, letting Charlie settle between them. He makes a happy noise as soon as the head of Charlie’s cock comes in contact with his hole and the smile that Charlie sends him causes warmth to spread all throughout his body. 

After taking a deep breath, Charlie carefully starts pushing into Nick, who tries his hardest to stay as relaxed as possible. It’s not painful per-se, but it’s been a while since Nick has had anything up there other than his own fingers so it takes him a while to get used to.

The feeling of having Charlie like this is unlike anything else though, and Nick can’t stop thinking about how good it feels and how happy he is as Charlie keeps pushing deeper inside until he has finally bottomed out.

“Okay?” Charlie whispers and Nick almost laughs at his concerned tone. He feels like the happiest person on earth and here Charlie is, scared of hurting him.

“I’ve never been better, actually.” Nick answers and interlocks his ankles behind Charlie’s back before lifting his hips, encouraging Charlie to start moving in and out of him. 

Everything else from then on is kind of a blur to Nick, the feeling Charlie moving inside of him is so overwhelming that he can’t do anything else but hold on tightly to the other man and let him take him apart. He sends a quick thank you to the universe for making sure that his mother’s bedroom is so far away, because there is no way in hell he could hold his moans in.

And it seems like Charlie is enjoying Nick’s moans a lot, telling him over and over how much he loves hearing him and how good he makes him feel. Nick lets the praise wash over him like a warm blanket and pulls Charlie into another kiss, hoping to convey everything he’s feeling with it.

When Charlie starts speeding up, Nick’s heart jumps, able to feel the familiar feeling of his orgasm approaching and suddenly Charlie’s hand is on his cock. If Nick thought he was already feeling good before it’s no comparison to how he is feeling right now, all surrounded by Charlie and with every single one of his cells on fire. 

“I’m close.” With being so turned on it’s hard for him to speak up properly, but Charlie must have heard him since he doubles his efforts and captures his lips in another kiss.

“Me too, baby. Me too. Can you come for me?” 

It’s a simple request and Charlie probably didn’t even mean anything by it but the way he says it instantly snaps something inside of Nick and he cums all over himself, letting the waves of pleasure wash over him while Charlie also rides out his own orgasm. 

Nick is vaguely aware of Charlie cuming only seconds after himself and he feels kind of proud for being able to pull this off at their first time. But with the connection they have had lately, it also shouldn’t be coming as a surprise to him.

Charlie slowly starts pulling out of Nick, who makes a noise of protest at the emptiness, but a lingering kiss on his forehead quickly causes him to settle down again. 

After getting rid of the condom and pulling Nick close to his body, Charlie releases what seems like the longest sigh of his life. “That was the best feeling of my entire life, darling.”

Nick, who is still lying on his back with Charlie on top of him, wiggles around a bit so they are face to face and cradles Charlie’s head in his hands. He stares at him for a moment, basking in the afterglow of what they’ve just done, and lets both of his thumbs run over Charlie’s eyebrows, trying to massage the tension out of his face. 

“And you are the most important person in my life.” 

Chapter Text

-

I'll move back home forever, I'll feed the dogs

And I'll put all my pieces back together

Where they belong, and I'll say

"I'm a mess, I'm a mess, oh God, I'm a mess"

-

It’s been a week since Nick’s first shift at Darcy’s pub, which means it’s also been a week since Nick and Charlie’s first time together. 

The past week has felt a bit like a dream; him and Charlie had been closer than ever and his dad had finally sent the first share of the money he owed him, even though he pleaded with them to put it off a while longer. 

Surprisingly, it was his mum who put her foot down, called him and almost screamed at him to get his shit together. Nick had never seen her like this—not when Stephané had left them and not when Robin had died—but he also felt something like pride swelling in his chest. He knows exactly where he gets his people pleasing tendencies from, so he was happy to see that it seemed like she had finally decided to put herself and her needs first.

They had also made contact with the bank, knowing that the more they put it off, the higher the chances of them sending someone else to their farm would get. It took Nick three days to get over his fear of calling them and telling them that they’ve worked something out; three days of Sarah being almost as nervous as him and Charlie reassuring him over and over again that it would be fine. 

It wasn’t just the prospect of talking to the bank that had scared Nick. He also couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen if they started questioning him about Charlie. Him and Sarah had a talk about it one afternoon while Charlie had gone to take Daisy for a walk and they had agreed on playing dumb about the whole thing if someone started to question them. Charlie Spring? No sorry, never heard of him, we never had anyone show up here. We just finally came to our senses and realised it’s time to get our shit together. 

It was obvious that they were taking a bit of a gamble by calling them and basically being the ones to initiate contact after what had happened, but there was simply no other choice. If they were to send someone to their farm it would be ten times worse, and this way Nick had been able to use some of his charm to distract whoever was on the other side of the line.

The weird thing was though, that when Nick had finally gotten his shit together and called the bank, the person who had picked it up was as sweet as sugar. The phone call was eerily short too; they simply told him to write up a proper business plan, including everything they had figured out and detailing every single step on how they intended to pay the money back, and then send it to them in a letter as soon as they were done. The bank had given him a deadline of a week, which seemed reasonable to him, and he knew Charlie had gotten started on the whole thing already anyway, so after a few more pleasantries were exchanged they sent him on his way and told him they would be in touch as soon as they had reviewed the proposal.

All of that without a single mention of Charlie Spring, the man they had sent to their home to take it all away. 

Unfortunately he didn’t have a single second to think about how weird it all was, since he had to get to the pub immediately after filling his mum and Charlie in on what had happened. 

Sarah was ecstatic, saying how glad she was that it had all seemed to go down so well and Charlie had merely promised to get the business plan done as soon as possible before pulling him into one of their all consuming kisses, not caring if Sarah was watching or not. 

Nick figured if the other two weren’t concerned about it, it was probably nothing to lose sleep over, especially since he still had other pressing matters to figure out.

For example, how to stop himself from falling even deeper in love with Charlie Spring. 

It is getting harder and harder to keep the truth from Charlie, but on the other hand Nick knows that if he tells him everything right now, he will lose him immediately—and that’s something he’s not sure he will survive. Charlie has become the second most important person in his life in less than a month, and he doesn’t know how to put a stop to it.

Ever since they’ve slept together, it has become obvious to Nick that he just can’t even pretend to want to stay away from the other man anymore. Both him and Charlie have gotten even more attentive with each other, making sure they are always touching in some kind of way if they are in reaching distance of each other. It’s been the best time of his entire life. 

Even though, thanks to his shifts at the pub and the other work still going on, he is now more exhausted than ever, it doesn’t stop him from dedicating all of his spare time to Charlie. As soon as the other man is even in the same room as him, it’s like Nick’s exhaustion and worries immediately melt away and he can’t focus on anything else but him. About the way his curls have finally gotten their glow back, after Charlie begrudgingly admitted that he had to stop using Nick’s shampoo and Sarah picked up the right products for his hair. Or when he pretends to think about his clothing choices really hard, just to end up wearing one of Nick’s jumpers anyway. And of course, the fact that they have gotten closer physically on every level possible. It’s not like they are having sex every day now, but it’s definitely a healthy amount considering the fact that Nick comes home at three am a lot and Charlie has to get up early. It doesn’t matter to them though; they always find their way back to each other, falling asleep in each other's arms and immediately missing the warmth of the other person as soon as one of them has to get up. 

Sarah has obviously noticed the change in their relationship too and even though Nick was scared of what she would have to say about it, she simply pulled him into a hug and told him over and over again how proud she was of him and how much he deserved the way things were seemingly finally looking up again. It made him cry for half an hour straight and when Charlie found him sobbing into Daisy’s fur, he pulled him in as close as possible and held him until the tears had dried. And even though Charlie had no way of knowing what Nick was crying about, he had said the exact words Nick needed to hear. 

Lying to Charlie is eating away at him, but he also can’t come up with a single solution as to how to tell him the truth while also simultaneously making it clear that he never lied about his feelings for Charlie. Their relationship might have started under the most dubious circumstances, but the way he’s feeling and behaving with Charlie is the furthest thing from a charade. 

Nevertheless, Nick knows that such an explanation won’t be enough to make up for lying for almost a month now. He literally took away everything Charlie had been and threw him in this completely different life that he had no knowledge of, amnesia or not, and that’s something he’s not sure Charlie will ever be able to forgive him for. Even he has to admit that it seems like Charlie has developed genuine feelings for Nick, but he’s sure that as soon as the truth comes to light, those will evaporate faster than he can start apologising for it. 

Nick truly feels like he’s navigating a minefield, just trying his best to survive until the whole thing inevitably blows up his heart. 

There might be something poetic about the symbolic meaning behind it, but he really can’t think of anything worse and, to be fair, he also doesn’t want to spend his only day off from work in a week wallowing and thinking about how to get over Charlie when he’s currently still right in front of him, looking like the most beautiful human being on earth. 

Not when the man in question is trying to help one of their chickens balance on Daisy’s back, determined now that Darcy said it was something they could do, claiming that he can’t stop thinking about it. 

Daisy, as always, is a good sport about the whole thing, trying to stay as still as possible while Charlie is trying to get the chicken to do the same, but the animal is definitely not in the mood to play nice at all. Nick is surprised that she let Charlie pick her up in the first place. 

“Maybe we could just take a walk instead, huh? Daisy is definitely going to be happier about that instead of… whatever it is you’re trying to do.” Nick can’t keep the smile out of his voice, so full of fondness for how gentle but determined Charlie is while trying to get the animal to cooperate. 

“No!” Charlie almost shouts, while slowly approaching the chicken in order to pick her up again. “Darcy said it has worked before, and I want to see it.” 

“Darcy loves to make shit up, and you know that.” Now it’s Nick’s turn to approach Charlie, who is longingly staring at the fleeing animal who has apparently decided that she finally has enough of their antics. 

As soon as she is out of sight, Charlie abruptly turns around and flings himself into Nick’s arms. “I’m inconsolable,” he wails, but there’s apparent laughter mixed into his voice. “This is the worst day of my life, you have to cheer me up!”

“Do you want me to kiss it better?” Nick laughs and wraps his arms tightly around Charlie, releasing a sigh of relief as soon as their bodies slot together perfectly. He hesitates for a second before pressing a deep kiss against Charlie’s lips, but as always his stomach immediately erupts into a bunch of butterflies. It’s by far not the first time they have kissed, but somehow it still feels like it. 

“Well, you can also kiss something else . I wouldn’t mind.” Charlie whispers while letting his lips hover just a hair away from Nick’s. The magnetic pull between them is almost too much to resist, but Nick is so taken aback by Charlie’s words that he can’t help but giggle and put a bit of space in between them.

He places another lingering kiss on Charlie’s lips, but just as Charlie is about to deepen it, Nick pulls away softly. “You are a greedy, greedy man. We literally got out of bed less than an hour ago, sweetheart.”

“Oh, well, I guess sue me for wanting to have sex with the prettiest man I’ve ever laid my eyes on.” 

Nick is still not used to hearing Charlie talk about this topic so openly and shamelessly and he can feel the heat spreading up from his neck and all over his face. So, instead of replying, he just extends his hand to Charlie and squeezes it tightly as soon as the other man takes it. 

“We’ve got plenty of time for that later tonight.” Nick lets his thumb run over the back of Charlie’s hand and gives him the softest smile he can. “How about we use my day off to see if Isaac has some books in his shop you might be interested in?”

Nick knows it’s a gamble to take Charlie to Isaac’s bookshop, but it’s an early Monday afternoon and considering this town doesn’t offer many jobs itself, most of the people who live there are out of town at work anyway. He thinks they might have one to two hours where they can go undetected and to be honest, he wants nothing more than to show Charlie off for a bit.

No matter if that showing off only happens to Isaac, he is still craving for Charlie to become even more intertwined with his life and his friend group. He wants to do everything with him, even if that means he has to look over his shoulder the entire time.  

“Really?” Charlie’s whole face immediately lights up and Nick knows that now he has no choice but to take him. 

“Yes,” Nick squeezes his hand before releasing it. “Let me just check with him if he’s in.”

Nick knows Isaac is working, he always is since he’s the only employee working there, but he’s going to use the little white lie to check in with Isaac and ask if it’s safe to come around. 

Nick: How is the shop today, busy?

Isaac’s answer comes within less than a minute, further confirming Nick’s suspicions that he’s not hard at work. 

Isaac: I think I haven’t seen a single soul in an hour or so. Why? Are you concerned about my finances? 😞

Nick: Something like that

Nick: I was thinking about bringing Charlie round?

Isaac: Are you sure????

Isaac: You know I would love to see him, you too of course, but isn’t that a bit risky?

Nick: Yeah

Nick: See you in half an hour or so 🫡

Refusing to wait and see if Isaac replies, Nick puts his phone away again and turns around to look for Charlie, who is already halfway up the driveway to the house. 

“Do you not want to go after all?” Nick shouts and shoots Charlie a confused look.  

Charlie laughs loudly. “Oh I do! Just let me get changed for a minute, you’re not the only person who wants to show their partner off.”

Before Nick can even ask what he means by that, Charlie disappears into the house and Nick can’t do anything else but stare after him dumbly. 

🐄

As soon as Charlie had stepped outside of the house he was able to see what he had meant by wanting to show Nick off - he was wearing his rugby jumper. The one with his name splayed all over his back, and as much as Nick had wanted to tell him to take it off and stop embarrassing him, he just couldn’t.

Because the pride he felt at seeing it was way bigger than any embarrassment or Isaac making fun of him could ever be. It meant the world to Nick that Charlie seemed so carefree and happy to wear his name around loud and proud. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything about it, so instead he just grabbed Charlie’s hand as soon as he got in the car with him and pressed a kiss against the top of it, hoping to convey how much he adored the other man through it.

They spent the ride to Isaac’s shop pretty much in silence, with Charlie having taken the control over the aux. As soon as they had stepped inside the shop Isaac had burst out laughing, and ever since then Nick hadn’t been able to get his face to turn back to its normal shade. He can feel the redness in his cheeks and with every look Isaac gives him it’s just getting worse.

Still, seeing Charlie so happy in these surroundings more than makes up for it. 

“Whatever you choose today is on the house, by the way,” Isaac’s voice breaks through Nick’s thoughts and he gives him a grateful smile. 

This means he doesn’t have to come up with a reason as to why he is paying for the books Charlie has chosen and Isaac knows that too. He’s still going to put up a bit of a fight about it, only if to make the whole thing a bit more realistic.

“You don’t have to do that, you know that. Finances are actually…” he looks over to Charlie, who is nodding at him encouragingly. “... good, I guess? Not good, you know, still wobbly and everything, but we are kind of getting there.” 

“We are.” Charlie is suddenly standing right behind him and it makes Nick’s heart skip a beat. Just as he’s about to turn around, he feels Charlie wrap his arms around his waist and press their bodies together, before resting his chin on Nick’s shoulder. “It’s still a long way to go but as long as your asshole father upholds his end of the deal we should be doing lots better in a year or so.” 

Nick gratefully puts his hands over Charlie’s and gives them a squeeze. It makes him feel a little dizzy how Charlie is so open and willing to show his affection like that, not caring that Isaac is just a few feet away. It seems like Isaac notices it too if the way he’s beaming at them is anything to go by. 

“You know I love romance anyway, but yours might be my favourite story yet.” 

“I’m inclined to agree.” Charlie answers and presses a quick kiss against the nape of Nick’s neck before letting him go. “I’m going to check out the second floor, do you wanna come?” 

“No, you go ahead. I’m going to catch up with Isaac some more. Also get every single book you want, now that we know he’s buying I’ve just remembered that the bookcase at home has been looking a little lonely lately.” 

He presses one last quick kiss against Charlie’s lips and watches as the other man makes his way up the stairs, staring at him until he can’t see him anymore. And even then he has a hard time tearing his eyes away from the space Charlie just disappeared to. 

Isaac waits for him to come back to reality and when he finally does, he starts leading Nick to the space behind the checkout, motioning for him to sit down on one of the chairs. 

“I don’t even know how to start this conversation with you.” Isaac sends one more look to the stairs, making sure Charlie hasn’t come back. “On one hand I am so delighted for you, like seeing the two of you together is like every single one of your dreams come true. But on the other hand I can’t help but worry. What are you doing, Nick?”

There’s no malice in Isaac’s voice, but Nick can’t stop himself from tearing up. He knows Isaac is right, what he’s doing is fucked up beyond any words, but so far nobody has actually called him out on it, and he has been so good at repressing it. It’s not like he hasn’t thought about it—what he is going to do if it all blows up into his face—but somehow every time he lets himself drift into that direction something else happens that takes his mind off it and seems way more important.

He stares at Isaac for a few minutes, unable to say anything or do anything to stop the tears from escaping his eyes. Isaac gives him a sympathetic smile while looking for a pack of tissues in the drawers below his cash register. 

“I know it’s fucked up, I know it is , but somehow I also can’t bring myself to put a stop to it all. I like him so much, I can’t lose him.” Nick’s voice is barely more than a whisper while he gratefully accepts the tissues. 

“It’s because you love him.”

At first, the words don’t even register in Nick’s brain and he needs a minute to come back online, but as soon as he does he can’t help but let some anger bubble to the surface. “Are you insane? It’s not even been a month, Isaac, what the hell? ”

“Am I insane? I am not the one canoodling around and bringing my fake fiancé to a place where it only takes one single person calling bullshit on what you’re doing to ruin everything, am I?” Isaac takes a deep breath. “Look, I don’t want to argue with you, that’s not why I said what I said. I love seeing you like this, I have never seen you this happy and you deserve all the happiness in the world, but Nick, you’ve got to realise that it’s all going to blow up into your face, don’t you? And even if you’re not in love with him yet, you’re well on your way to getting there.” 

“I am the happiest version of myself I’ve ever been, but at the same time I’ve dug myself into this hole and it’s just getting deeper and deeper while I don’t know how to get myself out of it. I know I have to do something, I promise you. I do, I just don’t know what it is.” Nick’s tears are flowing heavily by now and it takes all of his willpower not to start sobbing loudly, the only thing that’s stopping him from breaking down completely is knowing that as soon as Charlie hears him he will come running. 

Isaac obviously notices too, because he gets up from his seat and wraps his arms around Nick, pulling him tightly against his own body. “I know you’re not a bad person, Nick. We all know that, and we also know that you didn’t get yourself into this situation willingly, but unfortunately that doesn’t mean you don’t have to find a way out of it.” 

Just as Nick is about to give into his sobbing, Isaac squeezes his shoulders firmly, pulling him back out of his breakdown for a bit. “How about we make a plan, okay? I also don’t have the solution to all of your problems right now, but how about you get him to talk about his past, let him tell you everything he remembers and maybe it will trigger something inside of him. It might be easier if he remembers on his own instead of just dumping it all onto him at once. I can’t promise that it will work, and fucking hell I can’t tell you what will happen if he really does remember, but maybe just try?” 

Nick knows it makes sense and that it's much better than just not doing anything and hoping for the best, but just the thought of initiating a conversation like that makes him feel a bit nauseous. It’s the same thing that always happens when he thinks about telling Charlie the truth, but one of these days he has to fight the feeling of dread consuming his body and finally bite the bullet. Isaac is right, maybe helping Charlie recover his memories on his own is more sensible than just telling him that he has been lying to him this whole time.Maybe it will make Charlie see that he never had any bad intentions and that everything Nick told him about his feelings for him was always the truth. 

“Okay, yeah,” Nick says while pulling away from Isaac, but not before giving him one last grateful squeeze, “I promise I will try. I want to make this right, I swear I do.” 

“As I said, I know you are a good person, Nick. And everyone can see how much you adore Charlie. You deserve to have him in your life, you just need to fix it first.” 

“I will.” Nick nods gratefully. “I’m going to pop to the loo and splash some water onto my face to make sure Charlie won’t notice anything. Don’t want to have to come up with another lie.”

He does just that and just five minutes later, as he enters the main floor of the bookshop again, he is greeted by Charlie’s laugh. As soon as he spots Nick, he strides over to where he’s standing next to the YA section and wraps him up into a firm hug. “Thank you for bringing me here,” Charlie’s voice is barely more than a whisper, obviously meant for Nick and Nick only. “I love getting to do mundane stuff with you, baby.”

“I’m glad you had fun,” Nick says just as they are pulling away from each other. “Did you find something you’re interested in?”

Instead of answering, Charlie nods into the checkout’s direction and Nick can’t help but laugh at the stack of around ten books waiting for them. 

“I’m glad,” Nick whispers and places a quick kiss into Charlie’s hair.

After that, Charlie thanks Isaac profusely what has to be a hundred times and despite the conversation he just had with Isaac, Nick can’t wipe the smile off his face while watching Charlie carry all of the books to the car. He was adamant that he didn’t need any help and Nick was quick to step back and let him do his own thing. 

Nick spends the ride back to the farm with one hand firmly planted on Charlie’s thigh while listening to the other man ramble about all the books he got and why he chose them. It feels oddly peaceful to him and he thinks it’s a good distraction from having to figure out how he’s going to steer the conversation into the direction of Charlie’s past when they are back home. 

He never gets the chance to do it, though, because as soon as they get back to the upstairs flat, after having said a quick hello to Sarah and showing off Charlie’s new books to her, Charlie instantly pins Nick down onto the sofa and doesn’t let him come up for air for what must be an hour or so. Not that Nick is complaining. 

He only lets go of Nick’s lips when his necklace slips out from under the jumper he is wearing and hits Nick square in the face. 

“Oops, sorry!” Charlie laughs and starts to sit up a bit, pulling Nick with him so they are back to sitting on the sofa properly instead of making out like two teenagers who had just discovered what kissing is. 

“You’ve actually never told me why you chose this exact necklace for me. Like, it’s so beautiful, but I think I know you well enough by now to know it’s not random.” Charlie says and lets one of his hands wander under Nick’s shirt, letting it settle on his hip while his thumb starts stroking the naked skin there.

It makes Nick feel warm all over and even though he hadn’t planned on having this kind of conversation with Charlie right now, maybe not ever, he can’t stop himself from answering. “It was the symbol of the primary school class I taught when I was still in London.” 

“Oh?” Charlie sends him the warmest smile and scoots closer to Nick, careful not to remove his hand from Nick’s hip. “That’s beautiful darling, so it was the sun and the moon then?”

“It was only the sun, actually. Like every class had their own symbol, it was a beautiful message and also it was easier for the kids to keep track of which class they were in, instead of having to remember a number or letters or something. The moon…, uh, the moon was part of it but not it. ” For the second time that day, Nick knows that there’s no way to stop the tears from escaping his eyes. 

“I’m sorry I brought it up, I thought it would be a happy topic. I really didn’t want to make you cry,” Charlie says while reaching up to wipe Nick’s tears away, but they just keep coming so he just settles for squeezing his hip lovingly.

“No, it’s okay. I want to tell you.” Just as Nick says it, he realises it’s nothing but the truth. 

Maybe it’s the first step of coming clean to Charlie, even if it has nothing to do with him, he wants to let him into his life and show him where some of his insecurities and anxieties come from. If he wants to make this work he needs to start being honest, about every aspect of his life. And maybe it’s a stepping stone for asking Charlie about his own past. 

“There was this girl in my class, Claire. It was my third year of teaching at this school and I had never bonded with one of the children as fast as I did with her. Not in a weird way, but I just knew there was something about her that needed a little more help.” Nick takes a deep breath, willing his voice to remain as steady as possible. “She was great in school, that wasn’t the problem, but she always stayed away from the others, never really talked to them and kept to herself. Which isn’t unusual, but normally it goes away after a few weeks, except with her it never did. She didn’t talk to anyone else, just quietly did her work with her cuddly toy by her side and that was it. One day, she… uh, she… she came to school with a black eye.” 

“Oh, baby.” Charlie’s voice is no more than a whisper and Nick is barely able to hear it over the sound of his racing thoughts. It’s been two years now and somehow he has gotten so good at suppressing it all that it feels like he’s suddenly living through it for the first time all over again. 

But at the same time it also feels like he can’t stop talking. 

“I didn’t know what to do. Fuck, Charlie, I was so distraught by the whole thing but everyone I talked to told me to mind my own business and that I couldn’t do anything about it. I even talked to the headmaster about it and he told me there was nothing he could do without evidence. It wasn’t proven where she had gotten it from and since she didn’t talk, at least not in school, there was also no way to ask her about it. They literally straight up told me to shut my mouth and act like nothing was wrong. Mum was the only one who took me seriously, but she also didn’t know what I could do. So I waited, hoping that Claire would start talking to me, that she would give me some kind of sign. Until one day she just stopped showing up to school.”

By now, Nick can’t stop the full body shivers from overtaking him and it’s taking everything in himself to not run away. That’s what he usually does, run away when things get too hard, but Charlie’s hand, which is still steadily gripping onto him, is the only thing stopping him from doing the same thing right now. 

“Nick, oh my fucking god, Nick . Please, please, please tell me that you know that this isn’t your fault. You’re not the one who hurt her, you were told over and over again that there was nothing you could do. Baby , whatever happened to her has nothing to do with your actions. I wasn’t there but I am sure you did everything you could.” Charlie places both of his hands on Nick’s face, but Nick feels like he’s underwater, barely registering what is going on around him.

It’s like he’s suddenly back in London again, getting the news that Claire wouldn’t come to school anymore and that he, under no circumstances, was to ask any questions or try to find out what had happened. And even though he really never found out what had happened, he knows it cannot be good, not when they had to threaten her teacher to shut up about it in order to not make it worse. 

And the worst thing is he let them, when she showed up with the black eye the first time he didn’t do anything. And when she stopped coming to school he didn’t do anything. Except for running away from London like a fucking coward.

“She was a bit like the moon, you know? Even though the class was the sun class, she was more like the moon because she was always there but she never said anything, never complained and never made a mess. She was just a steady presence. It was like the two things completed each other perfectly.” All of the tears in his eyes make it hard to see Charlie properly, but by the quiet sobs coming from the other man Nick quickly realises that he’s crying too. 

“I cannot even imagine what that was like, but I just want to emphasize again how much none of what happened was your fault. Okay?” Charlie asks quietly. “This is awful, so so awful, but you need to stop blaming yourself.” 

“Yeah, I…, I mean I think I know it’s not my fault. But I also know I could have done more. I could have gone behind people’s backs to figure out what was going on.”

Charlie starts wiping away Nick’s tears once again and sends him a soft smile as soon as he realises that Nick’s eyes finally focus on him. “That could have made it even worse though. You did the most sensible thing you could have done, everything else was out of your control.” 

Nick realises that there’s nothing he can say to really convey what he’s feeling. Objectively he also thinks it’s not his fault, but he will always be mad at himself for not doing more. As a teacher you have a responsibility too, and even though everyone had told him to leave it alone, there will always be this little voice in the back of his head telling him that if he had just pushed harder maybe Claire would have gotten to live a better life. 

It will never leave him, not really, but maybe he chose exactly this necklace for Charlie to give the two symbols a better meaning again. To kind of reclaim them again for himself. 

When he tells Charlie exactly that, the other man instantly tears up again. “I love that sentiment and it makes me love the necklace even more now.”

It’s not until they’re back in bed later that night, with Charlie’s naked chest pressed firmly against Nick’s back, that Nick realises he has once again done everything but initiate a conversation about Charlie for once. 

Chapter Text

-

Sexy is something I see in everything

Honey stickin' to your hands, sugar on the rim

Nothing more, nothing less, I've thought, take it all to heart

-

Nick would love to say that he finally got around to talking to Charlie when Isaac checks in with him four days later, but he has been so swamped with work that in-between the shifts at the bar and Sprout getting sick he barely had time to breath, let alone talk to Charlie about potentially life changing information. 

So instead of texting Isaac back, Nick decides to just ghost him and deal with it later.

He knows it’s a terrible move, and Isaac is definitely going to get pissed at him for not texting back, but he honestly can’t bring himself to admit defeat once again. After all this time, nearly one month of having Charlie in his life, he still hasn’t gotten his shit together to initiate a conversation that could lead to Charlie either getting his memories back by himself, or finally telling him everything. 

Logically he is very well aware of the fact that the longer he waits, the worse it’s going to get, but it’s not even just about him. Charlie has been so happy lately, even with the added stress on top of both of them it seems like he’s thriving and loving taking care of everything. Since Nick is working at the bar three or four times a week, Charlie has taken over cow and chicken duties and he seems to be absolutely loving it. Everyday when he comes back to bed after having taken care of the animals, half asleep, Nick can feel the satisfaction radiating off the other man. 

And since Nick is pretty sure he has been put on this earth to make other people happy, to make their lives easier, that’s exactly what he does. Instead of initiating this dreaded conversation with Charlie, he decides to take him on a date instead. 

It’s not like Nick isn’t spending all of his free time with Charlie anyway, but it still feels important to him to do something that is just about them and not connected to work, or his mum, in any way. It’s like she is always there, wanting to chat with Charlie about anything and everything, and as much as he loves her and as much as he understands her desire to spend time with him, he also needs one day where it’s just the two of them and no one else. 

And maybe Daisy.

He has something special planned for them this evening, and even for the night, but before that he just wants to be alone with Charlie.

“It’s nice outside today, isn’t it?” Nick says as soon as Charlie re-enters the bedroom just coming out of a shower. He had tried to get Nick to shower with him, but getting to see Charlie with just a towel slung over his hips and droplets of water still making their way down his torso almost makes up for not agreeing to it.

Nick isn’t shying away from letting his eyes wander all over Charlie’s body and if the smirk the other man is shooting his way is anything to go by, he doesn’t mind at all. 

“Yeah,” he can hear Charlie say but his voice is just sitting in the back of Nick’s head, He’s not really registering anything else he’s saying since he’s so focused on following a droplet of water that has started from Charlie’s shoulder and is currently making its way down his abs until it disappears all the way into the towel. Nick can’t suppress a shudder of pleasure going through his body while imagining what would wait for him underneath. 

Suddenly, Charlie is next to the bed, smirking down at where Nick is lying and still staring at him. “Enjoying the view, are you?” He puts one of his knees on the bed right next to Nick’s head. “If you’re up for round two, so am I. Just say the word, baby.”

“No!” Nick says way more forcefully than he intended to and he immediately shoots Charlie an apologetic look. “Sorry, that shouldn’t have come out the way it did. I would love to, you know that, it’s just… I have something special planned for tonight and I kind of want us to hold out for that. I think it would make it even more fun.”

Raising his eyebrows at Nick’s words, Charlie turns around and walks over to the mirror before dropping the towel. “Fun, you say?” He catches Nick’s eyes through the mirror and watches intently as Nick can’t take his eyes off Charlie’s bum and it makes him laugh softly. “What have you planned then?”

“I wanna take you out.” Nick’s voice is barely more than a whisper, still so focused on taking all of Charlie in.

“What?”

“Oh!” Nick finally shakes his head and chooses to focus on Charlie’s face instead, still watching the other man while he’s getting dressed. “There’s this queer club I want to take you to. It’s further away though, like almost an one and a half hour drive so I booked us a hotel room in the city so I don’t have to drive back in the middle of the night, and so I’m also able to drink.” 

Charlie looks absolutely delighted at Nick’s words and immediately comes over to join him on the bed. He plants his whole body on top of Nick’s and puts his hands on either side of his face before placing a lingering kiss on his lips. “Really? You want to take me out? Like out out?”

“Yeah,” Nick searches Charlie’s face for any hesitation, but all he’s met with is genuine delight. “I used to go with Tara and Darcy a few times before you s– uh, before you moved in. But Darcy is so busy with the pub that she really can’t leave it tonight. So it’s going to be just the two of us if that’s alright with you?”

“If that’s alright with me? Nick! I can’t wait to get drunk and grind on you on the dancefloor, oh my god.” Charlie says and pulls Nick into one of their all-consuming kisses, but just as Charlie runs his tongue over Nick’s lips, begging him to be let in, Nick pulls away as gently as possible. 

“And I thought we could go to the lake before, take some food with us and Daisy and just lie around for a bit. I’m not quite ready to share you with the world just yet.” 

If only Charlie knew how true that really was.He knows he needs to do something about it, knows he can’t get away from talking to Charlie forever, but just the thought of doing it today and maybe ruining the one peaceful day he’s had in weeks makes his throat constrict unconformably. 

He likes Charlie so much that just the thought of upsetting him feels like the biggest crime he could ever commit. 

While he watches him get up again to finish getting dressed, Nick decides that Charlie is way too excited about their day ahead for him to risk messing that up. Especially if the talking about it causes Charlie to get some of his memories back; today could be the last day where they get to enjoy each other unapologetically and as selfish as it might be, Nick is not ready to let him go yet. 

He can’t even stand the thought of losing Charlie.

So, he once again tries to shove all thoughts of helping Charlie recover his memories far to the back of his mind, and gets up from the bed to also get dressed properly. 

They both choose to dress comfortably for their date at the lake, choosing to save the better outfits for later tonight, but Nick can’t help but notice Charlie sending him lingering glances here and there. He knows he doesn’t dress like anything special in his day to day life, it’s mostly sweatpants or dirty jeans with a jumper just for practicality reasons, but it still makes him feel warm all over to know that Charlie thinks he looks good no matter what he’s wearing.

That doesn’t stop him from being extremely excited for Charlie to see the outfit he has in mind for the club though. 

“Can we take the truck instead of the horse?” Charlie’s voice brings Nick back to reality and he can’t help but laugh at his words.

“Yeah, of course. I take it you didn’t really enjoy that the last time we went?”

“I did,” Charlie says, unable to look into Nick’s eyes properly. “I maybe enjoyed it a little too much. I just think that… ugh, I think that if we do that again I won’t be able to resist you, okay?” He can see warmth spreading all over Charlie’s face. “Now that I get to have you like this and know what it’s like. But I wanna wait, like, as you said it would be more exciting to wait until tonight.” 

“Sweetheart,” Nick says and starts making his way over to where Charlie is standing a few feet away. As soon as he’s standing right in front of him, he lets his hands settle down on Charlie’s hips, squeezing them softly. “If you really want us to wait you can’t say stuff like that to me, oh my god.” 

Nick can’t help but let one of his hands slowly move from Charlie’s hip and all the way to his bum, slipping his hand in the pocket of his jeans. Charlie’s breath hitches when Nick softly squeezes his ass and Nick can’t stop himself from doing it again, savouring the way Charlie is reacting to him so beautifully.  

Just as Charlie is about to close the gap between them, Nick takes one step back. “Right. Come on then, let’s go.” 

“I hate you”, Charlie chuckles. 

“No, you like me!” Nick says and sends Charlie a quick wink, making him blush once again.

“Hmmm… I really don’t.” Charlie sends him a wink back and before Nick even has time to react, he’s already out of the bedroom door and making his way downstairs. 

🐄

Not even half an hour later they’re both lying on a big blue blanket near the lake, making sure that they are catching as much of the October sun as they can. Nick has to admit that it is a bit chilly, but with Charlie pressed right to his side and Daisy having squeezed in between them he is in no position to complain about it. 

They won’t be able to stay for too long anyway, so he is going to do his best to enjoy it as much as he can. 

“So tell me more about the club we’re going to?” Charlie asks and intertwines his hand with Nick’s, which has been stroking Daisy’s belly. 

“It’s in Leeds, so like a one and a half hour drive away, depending on the traffic.” Nick halts for a second, unsure if he should say what he’s about to say, but in the end he figures it can do no harm. “I actually went to university in Leeds, so I’ve been there a lot before I moved down to London. The London queer scene is, uh… overwhelming I’d say? But Leeds always felt like home.” Charlie gives his hand an encouraging squeeze. “The club is called Freedom, cheesy as fuck I know. But it’s good, they have good music and the people I’ve encountered there were always nice. Horny, but nice.” He can’t help but laugh.“Not that I am looking for anyone else, absolutely not. But I think it could be fun, we’ve had so much serious stuff to deal with lately that I thought we could use one night off to just let off some steam before it gets worse.” Nick instantly curses himself for his mouth being faster than his brain once again. 

Charlie also stiffens beside him and slowly sits up, still careful not to disturb Daisy too much. “What’s going to get worse?” He looks at Nick so intensely that Nick feels like if he were completely naked right now he would probably feel less uncomfortable than he does at this moment.

“Shit,” Nick mumbles. “No, I didn’t mean it like that. I just…., I just meant, you know. Uh, with winter coming things always get worse. The chickens lay less eggs and work is just going to get more and more miserable. You’re going to hate getting up early even more than you do right now when it’s cold outside.”

When all of this is over Nick really has to find a way to rid himself of all the lying he has been doing. It can’t be healthy to be this good of a liar, he doesn’t even want to keep on doing it. 

Charlie keeps on staring at him, barely moving a muscle, and Nick can see the anxiety written all over his face as clear as day. He doesn’t know what to say or do to make it all better, so he just tries to muster up the biggest smile he can. It feels fake and foreign to him, and Charlie suddenly looks away, so he doesn’t even know if it’s working or not.

“I promise,” Nick knows he really really needs to stop saying that, but he can’t help it. “That’s all I was talking about, I just worded it weirdly. I'm sorry.”

After what seems like an eternity, Charlie finally looks back at him and gives him a small smile. “Alright,” he says and leans over to plant a kiss on Nick’s cheek. “I’m looking forward to dancing with you, but I’m not looking forward to everyone else ogling you. Like, you could go in your ratty ass sweatpants and people would still be drooling after you.” 

“I don’t care about anyone else, I just want to spend time with you. I just want to be close to you and feel your body against mine, nobody else’s.” Nick whispers, too afraid of how vulnerable saying it out loud would make him. 

But Charlie hears him anyway, he always does. “I know. I believe you.” 

“Yeah?” Nick asks and also starts to sit up slowly.

Charlie leans over to where he is, careful to not disturb Daisy between them. “Yes,” he says and places a kiss on Nick’s lip.

It’s still fascinating to Nick that Charlie is so willing to show him affection so openly and easily. Especially considering they have only known each other for a month, he has never met someone who liked him so loudly, and he can’t stop himself from basking in it. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why he can’t bring himself to talk to Charlie about his past. 

What if he leaves and Nick never finds anyone like him ever again?

When he moved home, Nick had kind of resigned himself to being single forever and just hooking up here and there. It wasn’t like he thought he was unlovable per se, but he just kept telling himself that it would be easier like that. That he wouldn’t want to bring anyone into this mess that is his life and his brain, but now that he knows what it’s like to be adored like this things have changed.

He doesn’t know if he can ever live without Charlie ever again. He certainly doesn’t want to. 

Charlie clearing his throat is what brings Nick back to reality and he sends him an apologetic smile. “Did you say anything?”

“No, it’s all good.” Charlie hesitates for a second, clearly thinking about something until he subtly shakes his head. “Anyway, should we get back? We still need to pack an overnight bag and I have to choose my outfit for tonight. As do you.”

🐄

Back at the farm, Charlie doesn’t let Nick see what outfit he is planning to wear to the club, instead he makes Nick collect their toiletries and while he does so, he puts all of his stuff in a backpack and zips it up before Nick is back in the bedroom. 

“Well, if I can’t see yours it’s only fair you can’t see mine either,” Nick raises his eyebrows at Charlie and laughs when the other man just pouts at him.

“I didn’t think that far, to be honest. Oh well, that only makes the anticipation even better.” Just as Nick is about to answer, Charlie continues talking. “Are we getting hotel room service when we get to the room? I don’t feel like cooking or eating out to be honest, and I’ll need some time to get myself ready so I think it might be the most sensible thing for us to do, right?” 

He doesn’t even look at Nick while he’s talking and Nick immediately notices that Charlie is extremely anxious about the whole thing. His shoulders are so tense they could probably break something. 

Instead of saying anything, Nick makes his way over to where Charlie is checking and rechecking the contents of his backpack and wraps his arms around his waist from behind. For one second Charlie tenses up even more, until he sighs quietly and relaxes into Nick’s touch.

“Are you okay?” Nick asks and buries his face into the nape of Charlie’s neck. 

They’re both quiet for a minute, until Charlie finally places his hands on top of Nick’s and gives them a gentle squeeze. “Yeah, sorry. I’m just nervous, but I am so looking forward to it, I promise. It’s just been a while since I’ve gotten to let my guard down like that and be around so many people. But knowing you will be by my side makes it better, I promise.” 

Nick starts placing soft kisses all along Charlie’s shoulder and up to his ear, giving his earlobe a quick bite, which makes Charlie giggle. “You don’t have to be perfect for me, as long as you’re with me I literally couldn’t care less about anything else.” 

“Thank you, I appreciate that so much, baby.” Charlie answers and wiggles out of Nick’s arms to sling his backpack over his shoulder. “Ready to go?”

Nick lets his eyes roam all over Charlie and even though he still looks tense, he hopes the car ride will be relaxing enough for Charlie to calm down a bit. 

He didn’t lie when he said he doesn’t care about anything else but Charlie being with him, the club could literally be a complete disaster and he would be content to just go back to the hotel room and cuddle with the most beautiful man he’s ever seen.

“Yeah, come on, let’s go.” Nick answers and starts making his way downstairs. 

The car ride itself passes pretty uneventfully, with Charlie falling asleep after only thirty minutes or so. Nick isn’t bothered by it though, because it gives him a chance to catch his breath and think. 

As much as he loves being around Charlie, he really didn’t have a lot of time to himself lately, but it’s also a double edged sword. Being alone means getting to let his guard down, but it also means that there’s nothing to distract him from his thoughts. 

So he does what he does best and postpones any conflict that might arise. He decides to let himself have one last good day with Charlie and swears that tomorrow, when they are safely back home, he will initiate a conversation about the other man’s past. 

He owes it to Charlie to at least try to help him get his memories back. And he owes it to himself to do everything he can to fight for Charlie, no matter how complicated it might be, he will not let him leave without explaining everything. 

Refusing to let himself go down the spiral of negative thoughts again, Nick puts on a podcast and tries his hardest to pay attention to it and not what’s going on inside his head. 

Charlie seems to be exhausted, even sleeping through a quick toilet break Nick takes halfway between home and Leeds, so he doesn’t wake him until they are already in the hotel’s parking garage. 

“Sweetheart,” Nick quietly says while running his fingers softly through Charlie’s curls. “We’re here, time to wake up.”

He continues to do so until Charlie finally stirs and opens his eyes, blinking rapidly to get used to the light. “M’sorry,” he mumbles, “I didn't mean to fall asleep, honestly.”

“Absolutely nothing to be sorry for, babe. Come on, let’s check in and then order room service, it’s only 7pm so we’ve got plenty of time to eat and relax some more.” Charlie makes a protesting sound which makes Nick laugh. “And yes, plenty of time to get ready.”

The check in process is fairly painless and they’re settled in their room in less than fifteen minutes. Charlie sprawls out on the bed as soon as he gets into the room and makes a satisfied sound. “Oh that bed is heavenly,” he winks at Nick. “That's going to be a lot of fun later.” 

Nick can feel his face heat up, but he can’t stop a laugh from escaping his throat. “You’re a menace, do you know that? Come on, decide what you want to eat so I can call them and we can put on Modern Family while we eat.” 

Their food arrives thirty minutes later—a veggie burger for each of them and some fries to share. They eat on the bed, careful not to get any sauce on the bed sheets, with Modern Family playing in the background and Nick can’t help but feel at peace. It’s not that different from what they do at home, but it still feels special to be in a fancy hotel room with Charlie.

It’s not a high class hotel or anything, but it’s still nice and clean with a spacious bathroom, a big bed and even a balcony with a fantastic view over Leeds. It’s actually been a few months since Nick has last been in the city and he can’t help but feel like coming home. It doesn’t matter that he really only lived here during his university days, this is the city he has really discovered himself and grown into the man he is now.

It’s the city where he first fell in love, where he met Tara and Darcy and where he realised that he can actually be anything he wants to be and it would be okay; Getting to share this little piece of his heart with Charlie feels amazing.

When the episode they’re watching ends, Charlie suddenly jumps up from the bed and shoots Nick a stern look. “I’ll go into the bathroom now to get ready. No peeking, okay?”

Nick laughs and throws his hands up in defence. “I wouldn’t dare ruin your grand entrance, swear.”

Charlie gives a satisfied nod, grabs his backpack and disappears into the bathroom with a flourish, locking the door behind him. 

The whole thing causes butterflies to erupt in Nick’s stomach and excitement overtakes him. He isn’t lying when he says he thinks Charlie is hot no matter what he wears, but he also can’t deny that he’s excited to see him looking his best. It’s going to be such a stark contrast from his usual sweatpants and jeans, and Nick is so excited to get to show him off.

To show everyone that he is with the hottest man that has ever walked on earth. 

There’s no way Nick is going to take as long as Charlie to get ready, he basically just has to get changed, brush his teeth and do his hair, but he decides to get started anyway. He trimmed his beard earlier before they left, so at least he doesn’t have to take care of that anymore.

Earlier when Charlie was choosing what to wear, Nick also quickly got his choice out of the wardrobe. It’s nothing life changing, but he feels comfortable and sexy in it, so it was an easy choice for him.

A black mesh vest, paired with some black wide jeans and a black belt with a silver buckle. The buckle matches the two silver rings he plans on wearing and even though it wasn’t on purpose, he still feels a bit smug about it working out like that. 

When he’s done, he puts on a pair of white socks and takes his black Dr. Martens low tops out of his bag to put them near the door. They are well loved, and therefore more comfortable than anything else, but they are clean and so different from what he usually wears around the farm. It just felt wrong to wear his usual Vans and he’s glad he went for this choice. 

Charlie is still more than busy in the bathroom so Nick once again rummages through his bag to get his deodorant and perfume, putting on one after the other to make sure he stays as fresh as a busy and sweaty club will allow him to. 

As long as the bathroom is occupied there’s nothing he can do about his hair and teeth, so he just stands in front of the floor length mirror to look at himself. The contrast of the tight vest and the loose fitting jeans makes him smile and he knows Tara would be proud of him for pairing those two things. It’s really nothing outlandish, but even he has to admit that the way his abs and nipples peek through the mesh is quite a sight to behold and he sincerely hopes Charlie likes it too. 

With nothing else to do, he sits back down on the bed and reaches for his phone to aimlessly scroll through Instagram. He’s just about to like a post from one of his old rugby mates when the bathroom door suddenly opens and the noise pulls his attention to Charlie exiting the bathroom.

Nick is up in a flash, not really knowing why, but looking at Charlie steals all the air from his lungs. He can’t believe that he didn’t think of it before, but of course Charlie is wearing the MAKING COWBOYS CRY tank top. He has paired it with some light blue jeans, and Nick really can’t take his eyes off his happy trail leading into those trousers. 

It’s not like he hasn’t seen it before, but there’s something about getting to see his tummy in broad daylight that makes him feel a little dizzy.

“Charlie, you are so fucking hot. Are you sure we have to go out?” Is what Nick says after a few seconds of just dumbly staring at Charlie. “We could just stay here, and, you know…”. His eyes are still firmly glued to his stomach, so he misses the way Charlie is staring right back at him. Like he’s going to eat him up any second.

“I’m inclined to agree,” Charlie hums. “I don’t know how I’m going to fend off all the people who will want to take a good long look at you tonight.”  

“And yet the only person I want to look at is you. Preferably every single nook and cranny. And preferably with less clothes on, not that you don’t look fantastic in them. I should have expected that damn crop top.” Nick laughs and finally manages to get his body to move.

Within a few strides he’s standing right in front of Charlie and immediately places his hands on his hips, letting them slide under his shirt so they’re sitting on his bare skin. “Hi,” Nick mumbles and moves to kiss Charlie, who immediately deepens the kiss by letting his tongue slip in Nick’s mouth.

Instant goosebumps break out all over Nick’s skin and he can’t stop a moan from escaping him, which seems to only spur Charlie on and he presses their bodies even closer to each other. Nick lets his hands slide from their place on Charlie’s hips to his bum and gives each cheek a generous squeeze.

They stay like that for a couple of minutes until Nick finally pulls away, needing to get up for air. “Holy shit,” he says and places another round of quick kisses on Charlie’s lips. “You’re going to be the death of me.” 

“So should we go?” Charlie asks after glancing at the alarm clock on the bed side table. It’s already almost 10pm. 

“Yes. Even though I want nothing more than to take you to bed and not come up for air until we have to check out tomorrow.” Nick trails off, too distracted by the way Charlie is letting his hands wander from Nick’s shoulders all the way to the waistband of his jeans.

He’s relentless while doing so, stopping here and there to tease Nick’s skin through the mesh of his vest. “I didn’t know you had a shirt like that, baby.” Charlie’s voice is barely more than a whisper and he’s still staring right at Nick’s chest, seemingly unable to tear his gaze away from it.

The mesh is pretty tightly knit, so Nick’s skin is more like shimmering through it instead of being too in your face, but Charlie doesn’t seem to mind if the twinkle in his eyes is anything to go by. “Okay, honestly we need to go now before I kiss you again and then we will never leave this room.” 

Nick doesn’t want to, but he can feel the magnetic pull between them getting stronger and he knows Charlie is right. He took him to Leeds for a reason and if they don’t leave right now, chances are that they won’t leave at all.

Instead of saying anything, Nick just nods cheekily at Charlie and quickly puts on his Dr. Martens while Charlie himself retrieves a pair of black Converse he got from the charity shop.

The walk to the club is brief, Nick chose the hotel on purpose so they didn’t have to drive or take an Uber and in less than ten minutes they are standing in front of the club, hands tightly intertwined with each other. 

The queue isn’t too bad and it takes them less than ten minutes to get inside. As soon as they are in, they are immediately hit by loud music and flickering lights around them. Nick can feel Charlie tense up right beside him and he gives his hand a soft squeeze, hoping to get the other man to relax a bit.

“Drink?” Nick asks and nods into the bar’s direction. Luckily it isn’t too crowded yet, most people don’t go out before midnight these days so he quickly finds a vacant spot at the bar and drags Charlie over to it. 

Nick lets go of Charlie’s hand, but only to be able to wrap his hand around his waist and pull him as close as possible. “What do you want?” 

“Shots!” Charlie screams over the music and Nick raises his eyebrows at him. “Shots and a gin and tonic, yes please and thank you.” He places a quick kiss on Nick’s cheek and Nick can’t stop a huge smile from taking over his face. 

While they both wait for the bartender to come over to them, Nick’s arm is still planted firmly around Charlie’s waist and his hand is in the perfect position for Charlie to play with his rings. “I didn’t know that you wear rings,” Charlie half screams without taking his eyes off Nick’s hand. “... it’s really hot.” 

“Is it now?” 

Charlie nods and even though the lights are all messed up inside the club, Nick can see a faint blush spreading all over his face. “I got used to wearing them at uni, but with the work around the farm I’m too scared of losing them, so now I really only wear them when I go out. Which is basically never.” 

Nick wants to keep looking at Charlie, he always does, but his attention is suddenly taken away by the barkeeper and he quickly orders them two tequila shots, a gin and tonic and a pint. 

“Beer? At the club?” Charlie asks teasingly. 

“I don’t want to get too drunk tonight. Which doesn’t mean you can’t get drunk, I just want to make sure we are going to get back to the hotel safely, that’s all.” 

Instead of answering Charlie places a kiss against Nick’s lips and just as he’s about to deepen it, the barkeeper returns with their drinks and clears her throat loudly to get their attention.

“Sorry,” Nick mumbles while fumbling for his credit card. “Can you open a tab for Nelson?” 

“It’s nothing I haven’t seen before, don’t worry about it.” She answers and disappears in a flash to tend to some other customer. 

Each of them takes their drink and one shot each before Nick starts leading them to some couches further in the back. He definitely wants to dance with Charlie, but he needs some liquid encouragement before that and he feels like Charlie does too. As sexy as Charlie is looking right now, he does look a bit panicked at the prospect of having to be surrounded by so many strangers, so it’s a safe bet for them to relax a bit before throwing themselves onto the dancefloor. 

They make quick work of their tequila shots and Charlie laughs at the way Nick grimaces at the taste. Before Nick can even reach for his lemon to chase it away, Charlie quickly bites into his own and pulls Nick into a kiss. 

Nick would have probably been satisfied with the kiss alone, but throwing the citrusy taste into the mix makes him feel genuinely light headed and he can’t help but pull Charlie even closer. 

He doesn’t even have time to think about the fact that they’re in public and that anyone can see them making out like horny teenagers, because Charlie’s taste is overwhelming all of his senses. It’s like his whole body is full of electricity, just waiting to burst open, and at the same time it’s the best feeling in the world.

Without any idea of how much time had passed, Charlie suddenly pulls away from Nick and hides his face in the crook of his neck. “Sorry, was that too much?”

“No, that was perfect,” Nick answers and places a quick kiss into his curls.

They stay like that for a few more minutes, and Nick can’t help but let his hand slip underneath Charlie’s crop top, enjoying the way he shudders when his hand comes into contact with Charlie’s bare skin. He starts running his hand up and down his spine slowly and Charlie releases a sigh of relief. 

“Unfortunately I think it’s too loud for a proper conversation,” Nick says when Charlie starts to pull away from him. “Should we finish our drinks and, uh… dance?” 

Charlie nods and they spend the next fifteen minutes or so silently sipping their drinks and listening to everything that is going on around them. Nick’s hand is still firmly planted against Charlie’s back and he can feel how grateful the other man is for the skin on skin contact. 

When they’re done, Nick stands up and starts pulling Charlie behind him to the dance floor. He knows neither of them is really drunk, but he feels a pleasant buzz and Charlie’s glassy eyes confirm that he’s not completely sober either.

The dance floor is pretty full, so they are determined to stick to each other as much as possible. Charlie puts his hands on Nick’s shoulders and in return Nick lets his own one's settle on the other man’s bum. He raises an eyebrow at Charlie questioningly, asking if that’s okay and Charlie gives him a determined nod in return. 

The music around them is fast and loud, making it impossible to talk to each other above the beat, but neither of them seem to mind. They’re moving as one, keeping their bodies pressed as close to each other as possible and Nick can’t help but feel affected by the whole thing. He’s not normally one to get aroused in public, but the feeling of Charlie’s body against his own, combined with him smelling like one of Nick’s perfumes and sweat, is making his head feel a bit hazy. 

Charlie gives him an innocent smile when he notices Nick’s hard on, but instead of moving away, he slowly moves his own hips against Nick’s, making it obvious that the feeling is very much mutual. 

They stay like that for ages, alternating between dancing and making out with each other and with each time Charlie plays with the hairs on the nape of Nick’s neck, it’s getting harder and harder for Nick to concentrate on where they are and what they are doing.

He knows they are not doing anything scandalous, especially not in a gay club, and he can’t help but be proud of the way that Charlie has apparently loosened up. 

“Are you okay?” Nick bends down slightly to whisper into Charlie’s ear, but not without giving his earlobe a quick nibble. 

“Yeah,” Charlie nods. “I’m just, Jesus Christ, Nick. I’m so turned on right now I don’t think you have any idea.” 

“Do you want to leave?”

“No,” Charlie says and emphasizes his answer by taking one of his hands and placing them right over Nick’s crotch, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I want to get another drink, then I want to keep dancing until we literally can’t take it anymore, and then I want you to take me back to the hotel and fuck me.” He places a kiss on Nick’s cheek, one that really doesn’t fit any of the filthy things he’s just whispered into Nick’s ear. “Okay?” He asks innocently, batting his eyelashes in a way that would be way too excessive if Nick wasn’t so turned on right now.

So that’s exactly what they do. 

Nick takes Charlie back to the bar, ordering a gin and tonic for each of them and downing it way faster than they should. When they get back to dancing, although he’s not sure if you could even call it dancing anymore with the amount of grinding and making out they do. 

It’s like nothing outside of the two of them and the music around them matters, and he loves every single second of it. Getting to have Charlie like this, so willing and open, does things to his heart and brain that he thinks nobody has ever done before. It’s like it almost rewires his entire brain chemistry, being able to show his attraction to Charlie so openly.

He’s not sure for how long they keep dancing like that; the songs just blend into each other at one point and all he can focus on is keeping Charlie as close to him as possible. Never letting him stray too far away. When Charlie finally breaks and asks Nick to take him back to the hotel room, it takes him less than a second to react and start leading them both out of the club and to the hotel. 

They make it into the elevator within ten minutes and just as Nick is about to pull Charlie into another kiss, someone else squeezes into the lift behind them, shooting them an apologetic look for holding it up. 

Nick tries his hardest not to let out a groan and instead angles Charlie away from the stranger and faces him, determined to not scare some rando with their more than obvious erections. When he looks at Charlie, he realises the other man is doing his best not to burst out laughing and Nick can’t help but lean forward and bury his face into the crook of Charlie’s neck, unable to stop his body from shaking with laughter. 

Five minutes later they are finally in the room and as soon as the door closes behind them Nick starts unbuckling his belt and taking off his jeans. There’s a snicker coming from where Charlie is doing the same over by the bed and Nick can’t help but marvel at the way this feels so natural. 

Sure, they’ve had sex a couple of times now since their first time together, but it still feels marvelous how far Charlie has come from that day when they had first taken a shower together and he was so nervous to take his shirt off in front of Nick.

Now, he is already almost completely undressed with just his crop top remaining and it fills Nick with so much pride to see him so at ease. 

“Condoms and lube?” Charlie asks when he’s finally completely naked, lounging on the bed. 

“They’re under the pillow behind you,” Nick answers sheepishly. “I, uh, I didn’t know how drunk we were going to be when we came back so I wanted to have easy access.” 

Instead of answering, Charlie reaches behind the pillow and retrieves both of the things while Nick climbs onto the bed with him. 

“You okay?” Nick checks and is relieved to get a confident nod from Charlie.

“I’m more than okay, if you haven’t noticed it yet.” Charlie answers and gestures to his dick, which is so hard it looks like it must be hurting a bit. Nick is not surprised though, he has been in a similar state ever since they had made their way onto the dance floor for the first time.

Charlie reaches for Nick, who easily follows him to his spot on the bed and sits down on Charlie’s hips, careful not to put his entire weight on the other man.

“I really want to feel you inside of me, baby.” Charlie’s voice is barely more than a whisper and Nick can’t help a moan from escaping his lips.

The feeling of Charlie’s bare skin against his own and their naked cocks touching, but not really rubbing against each other, makes him feel a thousand things at once. 

“Yeah?” Nick asks and scoots forward a bit, finally letting their dicks connect with each other properly. 

“Yes, baby. Please.” 

🐄

The next morning, Nick wakes up tangled up in sweat, dried cum and with a mouth full of Charlie’s hair, but he couldn’t be happier about it. 

He checks the alarm clock on the bedside table and immediately curses when he realises it’s already 10:30am and they have to check out of the room by 11am. So, even though it’s literally the very last thing he wants to do, he wakes up Charlie softly.

The other man just groans and grumbles all the way while getting dressed and brushing his teeth and Nick has to bribe him into doing all of this by promising that they’re going to get coffee and breakfast on the way home. 

They make it to the reception at around 11:10 am and the receptionist takes one look at Charlie, leaning heavily against Nick and already on his way to fall back asleep, and wishes them a safe drive home.

Even though he had been promised breakfast, Charlie falls back asleep not even ten minutes into their drive so instead of stopping, Nick decides to just power through the drive to get them home and back to bed as soon as possible. Except for being violently tired, the drive really isn’t too bad and Nick can’t help but steal a few glances at Charlie every few minutes, overcome by so much adoration for the other man.

Last night was amazing and he hopes that they can do it again soon. Maybe he can even convince Darcy to shut the pub for one night only so she and Tara can join them. Asking Isaac would probably be pointless—the last time he went to a club was years ago—but he decides to ask him nevertheless in order to not make him feel left out. 

Close to 1pm, Nick finally pulls into their driveway and breathes a sigh of relief when he parks the car next to an unfamiliar one. It’s a black Toyota and he notices the license plate, indicating that it’s from London.

Just as he’s about to get out, Charlie suddenly startles awake and groans, shielding his eyes from the sun. “Are we home?”

“Yes,” Nick answers and leans over the middle console, placing a lingering kiss on Charlie’s lips. “You go on up back to bed, I’ll get our stuff and join you in a minute. I promise.” 

Charlie nods gratefully and when he opens the car door he seems to notice the strange car for the first time. Instead of getting out, he quickly closes the door again and shoots a panicked look at Nick. “Who’s that?”

“I don’t know,” Nick answers honestly. “My best guess is one of mum’s friends or something.”

“You sure?” Charlie whips his head around again and intensely stares at the car until suddenly his entire body goes frigid and completely unmoving. “Oh fucking hell.”

Chapter Text

-

You can have your space, cowboy

I ain't gonna fence you in

Go on, ride away in your Silverado

Guess I'll see you 'round again

-

“Actually, now that I think of it, you did promise me a proper breakfast. Why don’t we go into town?” Charlie says before Nick can even ask him what’s wrong, and why he looks like he might throw up any second. 

“What? Charlie, there’s food at home, I can make you something right now. I really still feel kind of shitty from the alcohol and I would love to get some more-” 

“Please? Nick! We can sleep when we’re dead, can’t we? I’m craving some hash browns, please!” Charlie’s voice is even louder than before and he reaches over to take Nick’s wrist into his hand, trying to get him to put the key back into the ignition. Nick lets him, but still makes no proper move to start the car again. He just can’t figure out why Charlie is suddenly so freaked out by seeing a random car in their driveway and frankly it’s making his head hurt more and more by the second.

“Babe, I genuinely just wanna sleep, can we please-” for the second time within a minute Nick gets interrupted; this time it’s not by Charlie, but by the front door of the house slamming open. Before he can even make out who it is, he gets distracted by Charlie releasing a literal scream and trying to hide his entire body in the footwell of the passenger seat. 

When that doesn’t work out, he shoots another pleading look into Nick’s direction. “Please, can you just drive? I need you to trust me, please Nick.”

Nick doesn’t even have time to make a decision, because mere seconds later the passenger door is forcefully being opened by a stunning black woman he has never seen before. 

“What the fuck, Charlie? What the actual fuck?!”

While Nick is staring at the woman, a man that’s just as tall as her steps out behind her. It’s obvious that he’s just as pissed as her, if not even more. He doesn’t say anything, but he’s shooting daggers right at Nick and even though Nick has no idea who he is, he feels like he doesn’t want to find out. The both of them together are intimidating enough that Nick wishes he had just listened to Charlie and driven away. 

Nobody says anything, but from the corner of his eye Nick can see Charlie still staring at him and there are obvious tears in his eyes, waiting to be shed. This causes Nick to finally pull his gaze away from the two strangers and his hands immediately find Charlie’s face, trying to wipe his tears away. “Sweetheart, are you okay?”

Charlie tries to get his mouth to work, but the tall asian guy is way faster than him and his voice whips through the air. “Sweetheart? Have you lost your mind? Oh my god!” 

Suddenly, the guy steps in front of the woman, who has been looking at them like she’s seen a ghost, and tries to motion for Charlie to get out of the car. Even going as far as grabbing his arm to drag him out, but as soon as Nick notices what he’s doing he finally snaps out of whatever stupor he’s been in and he puts one of his arms around Charlie protectively. 

The other guy is still holding Charlie's arm, which makes Charlie release another sob and Nick can’t help but see red. “Let go of him, who the fuck do you think you are?”

“Who do I think I am?” The guy laughs and throws his head back, “That’s rich coming from you! Who do you think you are? Lying to Charlie, making him believe all those fucked up things, taking advantage of him when he-”

Charlie’s voice suddenly cuts through the guy’s rant. “Stop it, Tao!” His voice is wavering and Nick wants nothing more to make it stop, but he doesn’t know what to do with all the tumult around him. 

“Stop it? You want me to stop it? Charlie! This guy has been lying to you for weeks, you aren’t his fiance, you didn’t even know him a month ago. Elle and I are trying to save you from this psycho!”

“I know,” Charlie whispers after a few seconds, still not looking at anyone but Nick and Nick thinks the words aren’t meant for anyone but him, but Tao and Elle pick up on them too.

Tao suddenly lets go of Charlie’s arm and takes one step back. “What did you just say?”

By now, there are even more tears streaming down Charlie’s face and as much as Nick wants to comfort him, he’s rooted on the spot. The dots finally connect and he realises that Elle and Tao must be friends of Charlie and that they have figured him out. They are here to tell Charlie the whole truth, before Nick could even try to make amends with him and tell him on his own terms. 

It’s all about to blow up into Nick’s face and it’s no one’s fault but his own. If he had just had the guts to tell him sooner, maybe Charlie would be more understanding. 

“I know,” Charlie says again louder this time, trying to make Nick look at him properly. As soon as he does, Charlie keeps talking. “I know all of it, I’ve known for weeks. It’s okay, Nick.” 

Nick doesn’t even notice it at first, but he is also full on crying by now and there are so many thoughts running through his head that he has a hard time making sense of what Charlie is saying. Is he lying? Is he trying to soften the blow for his friends? But when he meets Charlie’s eyes, he sees nothing but sincerity in them, it’s like he’s pleading for Nick to listen to him. 

“My memories started coming back a few days after the accident. At first I was furious, but then I just realised that I… that despite everything I was happy. I was so fucking happy, I’ve never been this happy in my life before.” Charlie reaches over to Nick’s hand and grabs it gently. “Please Nick, you have to believe me. I am so happy with you.”

“You… you know? Everything?” Nick knows he should say more, ask questions and especially finally apologise to Charlie for what he has put him through, but he can’t seem to find the words. He has come up with so many scenarios as to how a situation like this could play out, but Charlie already knowing everything certainly wasn’t on his bingo card. 

“Yes.” Charlie whispers and starts to sit up properly. He still hasn’t looked at Elle or Tao since they stormed out of the front door so it’s no surprise that he doesn’t see it coming when Tao steps as close to the passenger door as possible and grabs his arm again, way more gently this time.

“Get out of the car right now,” Tao says. “This is fucking insane. You should hear yourself talk, this guy basically kidnapped you and you are saying you’re happy with him? I don’t know what he did to you, but this is not normal Charlie. He took advantage of you!” 

Before he can do anything else, Elle is by his side and gently pries his arm off Charlie’s once again, and instead offers her own hand to Charlie. “Tao might be a bit aggressive right now, but he’s right. This is not normal Charlie, I’m sorry to tell you this. Please come out of the car so we can talk and finally take you home.”

At the mention of home, Charlie’s head whips around forcefully and he stares at Elle. “Home?” He scoffs. “London hasn’t been home in years and you know that. You know that better than anyone else, Elle, so don’t act like I have a happy life to come back to. This is the closest I’ve felt to being at home in years and you have no right to tell me otherwise. You don’t even know Nick, you don’t know how good he has been to me!”

Nick wants so desperately to say something, anything, but he has the biggest lump in his throat watching everyone else having a go at each other, so the only thing he can do is silently get out of the car. As soon as the car door closes behind him, Charlie finds his gaze through the windshield and Nick gives him a small nod, encouraging to follow him into the house. 

He makes his way into the kitchen, where his mum has been waiting for them, and if the look on her face is anything to go by she has heard the whole thing. Behind him, he can hear Charlie finally getting out of the car and telling Tao and Elle to not touch him, but that they can come into the house with him. 

Nick sits down next to his mum at the kitchen table and she immediately reaches over to grab his hand in hers. “I’m sorry, I should have warned you but everything happened so fast and they just kept interrogating me. I just had to tell them everything. I… I didn’t know what else to do.” Her voice is barely more than a whisper and Nick shoots her what he hopes is a reassuring smile. 

“It’s alright, it had to happen one way or another, I guess.”

Charlie finally makes his way into the house and immediately sits down right next to Nick, but not before dragging his chair as close to Nick’s as possible. As soon as Tao notices his actions, he scoffs again and shoots a derogatory look at Nick. “Apparently I need to keep repeating myself, but this is insane. You are literally holding the hand of a man that has basically kidnapped you and lied to you for weeks, you do know what Stockholm Syndrome is right? I can’t keep watching this, it makes me sick to my stomach.” 

“You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.” Charlie says and keeps shooting daggers at Tao. 

“Charlie,” Tao starts, but Elle puts a hand on his shoulder to get him to stop. After looking at each other for a second, Tao silently nods and reluctantly takes a seat at the table across from Nick and Charlie.

Elle does the same, and Nick can see in her face that she’s trying her best to try to stay civil. 

“Please, we just need you to understand that this is not normal. From what we’ve been told,” Elle shoots a quick look at Sarah, “you’ve suffered a major hit on the head. Even if you’ve gotten your memories back, I don’t think you can trust yourself right now. You’ve been with a stranger from the first second you’ve woken up, how do you even know what you’re feeling is real? How do you know he hasn’t been lying about his feelings for you too?”

Nick suddenly feels like he’s been hit over the head. “I would never lie to Charlie about something like that.” His words come out harsher than he had intended them to. “I know… I know how fucked up this is, alright? Do you think I haven’t stayed up endless nights beating myself up about the whole thing? I never planned on lying to him. I…” Suddenly his voice breaks and Charlie gives his hand a quick squeeze, enabling Nick to take a deep breath. “What I feel for Charlie is real and I have never felt like that about anyone else ever before. You don’t know how many times I’ve tried to tell him the truth.”

“Then why didn’t you?!” Tao’s question cuts through the air like a knife straight into Nick’s heart. “Because you know that what you are doing is fucked up. Wrong.”

“Of course I know it’s wrong!” Nick suddenly bursts out and rips his hands away from Sarah and Charlie’s. “Do you know how much time I’ve spent wondering how I’m going to get Charlie out of this unscathed? Do you know how many shoulders I have cried on because I didn’t know what to do? Do you know how fucking scared I am of losing the best thing that I ever had? If you think for even one second that I’m not aware of how fucked up this is and how this makes me an awful person, you’re sorely mistaken.”

Unable to look anyone in the eye, he gets up from the table and starts making his way to the kitchen island, staring at the kettle intently. “If there is one thing I want in life it’s to make Charlie happy.” His voice is barely more than a whisper and he’s not sure if anyone can even hear him, but he can’t hold them in any longer. “Because I love him.”

As soon as the words are out of his mouth his ears start ringing and he instantly regrets them. Not because they aren’t true, but because telling Charlie that he loves him for the first time really shouldn’t have gone like this. It should have been the most romantic thing in the world, but now the words are out there and either Charlie hasn’t even heard them, or he’s going to think he’s an idiot for falling in love with him in such a short time. Nevermind the fact that two people who completely hate his guts are in the same room with him right now, probably out to kill him if they had the chance. 

Before he can spiral any further, there’s suddenly a set of arms wrapping themselves around his waist from behind and Nick immediately realises that they belong to Charlie. Charlie places a soft kiss against the nape of Nick’s neck and he manages to relax a bit. 

“And I love you too,” Charlie suddenly says, loud enough for everyone in the room to hear him clearly. 

There’s a beat of silence between them and just as Nick is about to say something in return, there’s a crash behind him followed by Tao storming out of the room and onto the driveway. 

Elle is quick to follow him and Nick finally turns around to face Charlie, who is looking at him with the same worried expression on his face. He can’t stop thinking about how this was probably the worst moment possible to tell Charlie that he loves him, but at the same time he’s glad that it’s finally out there. That the whole truth is out there and now they can try to deal with it, no matter what it looks like.

“I think it’s best if you boys follow him out there, I’m a bit scared of what he might do, to be honest,” Sarah says and shoots an apologetic look at them. 

Outside, Tao is standing with his back to them and his gaze fixed on the cows that are grazing on the pasture. “I don’t know what you have done to Charlie, but this madness stops right here and right now. This has gone on for way too long and whatever you two think you are feeling for each other is absolute fucking madness. You can’t keep playing house and act like this is normal.” 

He finally turns around and immediately stares at Charlie. “Pack your shit, or whatever can even be classified as yours, we’re going back to London and you are coming with us. I will not let you stay here in the arms of someone who has been taking advantage of you, no matter if you can see it or not. This is clearly what’s happening here and as long as you are here with him you won’t be able to think clearly. You need to get back to your old life and realise how crazy this situation is. You need some distance from him lovebombing you non-stop.” 

Charlie intentionally takes a step back away from Tao “I am not going anywhere. Who do you think you are telling me what to do?” He starts, but Elle suddenly steps right in front of him, which causes him to shut his mouth and avert his eyes. 

“Charlie, you need to know how much we care about you.” Elle says and reaches for his hand. For a second Nick expects him to pull it away, but instead he lets her intertwine their fingers. “We love you so much, and even though Tao phrased it way too aggressively he’s right. Being here isn’t good for you, you need some time to figure out what you want and you can’t do that if you’re around him all the time. I know it might seem like you love him right now, but you don’t know that for sure until you get back to somewhat of a routine.”

“I’m not saying Nick is a bad person,” Elle continues, and Nick can’t figure out if she’s being serious or not. “But you need some distance, both of you do. This is an extreme situation and you can’t know how you really feel unless you both get some time to yourselves.” 

Still holding Elle’s hand, Charlie is back to full on sobbing and it breaks Nick’s heart to see him like this. There is nothing more he wants to do but pull him into his arms and disappear back into the house, locking the door behind them so Tao and Elle can’t get to them, can’t take them away from each other.

“But Elle,” Charlie says, choking on his own tears. “There is nothing back for me in London, absolutely nothing. I hate my job, I hate my fuckass flat and everything reminds me of him. I cannot do this again, I finally know what it’s like to really feel at home and no matter what Tao or you say, London isn’t it.”

Not touching Charlie in any way is getting harder and harder by the second, so instead of doing it to the other man, Nick wraps his own arms around himself and lets his tears flow freely. Just thinking about Charlie being taken away from him feels like someone ripping his heart out of his chest. Logically he knew all along that it would end this way, but facing the reality of it is harder than he ever imagined. He really doesn’t know what will happen if he leaves. It might destroy him for good—maybe even more than if they had lost their home because in a way, he is. 

Nick keeps crying while watching Elle pull Charlie into her arms, who is crying just as much as he is; again, he wishes that it could be him with his arms around Charlie. Looking at the two of them now is kind of like watching a car crash waiting to happen and you know that there’s nothing in the world you can do to stop it. 

Elle keeps talking quietly to Charlie, but Nick is unable to hear her over the sound of his own sobs, until suddenly his mum is by his side and pulls him into her arms. They must look like a pair of lunatics, each one crying into the arms of women who only want what’s best for them, but in this moment he couldn’t care less. Even if he wanted to stop crying, he doesn’t think there’s any way he could bring himself to. 

A few minutes later, Sarah softly pulls back from Nick, who is surprised to see Charlie standing right behind her. His eyes are puffy and he looks like he hasn’t slept in a week, but to Nick he is still the most beautiful man he has ever laid his eyes on.

“Can we talk?” Charlie asks, his voice hoarse from all the crying. “Just the two of us, please.” 

“Of course, yes, yes please.” He gingerly extends his hand to Charlie, his heart dropping for a second at the thought of Charlie maybe not taking it, but as soon as the thought appears Charlie’s fingers are intertwining with his own as he starts leading the both of them in the direction of the barn. 

“I know the cows always make you feel better, and they do the same to me.” Charlie says and Nick’s heart soars at the thought of the other man knowing him so well. No matter what Tao says, Charlie will always know more about him than any other person on this planet and it doesn’t matter that they’ve only known each other for a month.

As soon as they are in the barn, Nick tugs Charlie onto a hayball and they both try to get somewhat comfortable. Nick can’t help but notice that there’s more distance between them than would usually be the case and it makes his heart ache. 

“I’m sorry,” Nick says as soon as they have both settled down. “This is long overdue but I need you to know how sorry I am, really. I have tried to tell you the truth so many times but everytime I’ve come close I just got so scared of losing you that I just couldn’t do it. I just.. I’ve gotten so used to having you around that the thought of not having that anymore destroyed me. So I kept on being a coward.” 

“I know. And I’m sorry for not telling you that I remember it all. I wanted to, but as soon as I realised how much I really like you and how much I love the life we’ve so quickly built together I couldn’t bring myself to. I didn’t want to destroy what we had, even though I knew it would have been better for both of us to know the truth.” Charlie sighs. “Now, in hindsight I realise that it would have saved both of us a lot of heartache if we’d have known the other person is in the same boat.” 

Nick reaches over and gingerly takes Charlie’s hand in his. “You have nothing to be sorry for, absolutely not. I’m the one that took advantage of you. Tao may have been a bit out of line with the way he said things, but he’s right. I should be ashamed of myself and I shouldn’t have let you kiss me that first time. It would have made everything so much easier.”

“Baby, I am so fucking attracted to you that there is no way we would’t have ended up kissing any way or another. It was just a matter of time.” Charlie can’t stop a laugh from escaping him and it makes Nick feel better to see that the other man at least isn’t crying anymore. 

“And also, you always one hundred percent of the time had my full consent. Always. That’s what counts and that’s the truth, I don’t care what Tao thinks, he wasn’t there with us and he doesn’t know that I did all of those things with you more than willingly. Please don’t beat yourself up about any of that, if I had wanted to say no I would have, amnesia or no amnesia.” 

“Yes?”

“Yes,” Charlie answers and moves closer to Nick. “Just like right now when I need your consent to kiss you… May I?”

Nick immediately nods and not even a second later Charlie’s lips are against his. There’s nothing chaste or reserved about it, they are kissing with everything they got and Nick can’t help a moan from escaping his lips when their tongues meet. It’s not unlike the way they kissed yesterday in the club, but the major difference is that this feels like a goodbye kiss, no matter how much Nick would like to pretend that it doesn’t.

He knows that Charlie is going to tell him that he’s going to leave. He can feel it in his bones and in the way Charlie keeps pulling Nick closer and closer, unable to let him get up for air. 

“Please don’t,” Nick whispers when they finally pull away from each other and he’s still so close to Charlie that he can feel every shallow breath the other man takes. “Not yet, at least.”

“Okay,” Charlie answers and places another lingering kiss against Nick’s lips. “I need you to know that I don’t want to do it. I really don’t. I hated my life back in London, I hate everything it represents and what it turned me into. I know that you know I was a right asshole when I first came here and I don’t want to turn back into that again. I promise I won’t, I don’t want to be that person anymore. You showed me how fun life can be and I won’t lose that again.”

“Yeah I… I figured something must have happened in your life for you to be this way. There was no way in hell you’ve always been like this. You are one of the most loving and gentle people I have ever met and I need you to know that the real you is the only one that matters to me, it’s the you that I love.” 

“You meant that?” Charlie asks, his voice hushed like he’s telling a secret.

“Yes, I meant that. With my whole chest. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, sweetheart.” Nick can feel a fresh batch of tears welling up in his eyes once again. “That’s why letting you go will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

Immediately, he can feel Charlie’s whole body tense up. “I don’t want to leave, I  really really don’t want to leave you.” He cries and Nick places his hands on his face, carefully kissing away the tears that are escaping his eyes. 

“I know, my love.” He keeps on placing gentle kisses all over Charlie’s face. “But I think Elle’s right, I think you need to figure out who you are away from me.” 

“But you are the best thing that has ever happened to me!” Charlie almost screams and starts pushing Nick away, it’s not hard enough to physically hurt Nick, but the way Charlie keeps pushing at his shoulders causes him to move away a few inches, if only to soothe Charlie. 

“Charlie, ever since you’ve come into my life I have been the best and happiest version of myself. Not because you’re a financial wizard, but because you are one of the best people I have ever met. You made me better in every way possible.” 

“Why are you sending me away then?” Charlie suddenly gets up and starts pacing up and down the front part of the barn. “We’re happy. I don’t have to go. I can tell Tao and Elle to go fuck themselves and never talk to them again. I can just stay right here in the barn until they get tired and leave. It doesn’t have to end this way, it really doesn’t. I don’t need them, I need you!”

“But you need them just as much as you need me. I can’t even put into words how much it will hurt me to see you go, seriously, like… when you first showed up I thought losing our home would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But lately I think that’s not true, it wouldn't hurt as much as losing you.” Nick gets up to stand next to Charlie, gingerly reaching for his hand once again. 

When Charlie doesn’t say anything, Nick continues. “But I need you to be happy. I need you to figure out if you really like me and not just because of our proximity and what you’ve been through. I need you to take care of yourself and not to worry about me. Because at the end of the day I will always love you, no matter what you choose.” 

“I don’t want to be away from you. I’m scared of what will await me in London and I know it won't… ” Charlie looks at Nick intently. “Being away from you won’t change a thing, it will just make me miserable.”

Nick lets go of Charlie’s hand and places both of his on the sides of Charlie’s face. “If you really still feel that way about me, I will be waiting for you to come back to me. No matter how long it takes, this house and me and mum will wait for you.”