Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

In the beginning, there was the Creator.

He molded the Earth from nothing, and gave his children life. These became the Gods of this new land, giving rise to the various peoples that inhabit it.

But eventually, the Creator passed away.

His essence was sealed within seven magical orbs. When brought together, they will grant the power of creation to their wielder.

The world was torn apart by war as a result. All the peoples fought bitterly over the Orbs, and even the gods themselves took part in the bloodshed.

Eventually, the survivors came to a decision: the Orbs were too dangerous for anyone. They were scattered to the four winds, and remain lost to this day...

-Gaian Codex, Prologue

"I knew this was a mistake," Rex grumbled. He had been sitting in the Adventurers' Tavern in Centrum for the past three hours, desperately attempting to recruit any passersby to his noble cause. One would think a trade hub would be a good place to find potential allies. Unfortunately, people don't often take ads for a 'heroic' quest seriously when the person giving them looks like your typical hoodlum. His red reptilian features, large horns, muscular body, and huge battleaxe did not give the friendliest first impression, especially when he towered over almost everyone else in the bar.

Even the purple cloak he had, a signifier of royalty, had seen better days- desperately needing a seamstress. About the only way he could look more intimidating was if he was missing a limb.

This was just the latest in a long line of taverns he’d been to, attempting to gather anyone who would be willing. No results, anywhere. Rex was getting increasingly desperate. He’d even traveled all the way to Centrum, in the Gaian Empire’s borders- the exact place he was hoping to avoid at the moment. Rex hoped desperately he could avoid making a ruckus- lest he be arrested, executed, or worse.

He looked around again. Nobody was even glancing his way. It is quite unfitting for someone of MY station to be reduced to trawling for peasants, he thought. As a particularly rough-looking dwarf walked by, he tried again to plead his case.

"Excuse me, sir! Would you be interested in joining a great quest to restore a prince's lost honor? Untold riches await-"

“Piss off, scaleface. I’ve got enough problems,” the dwarf interrupted, before walking right past him to the bar counter.

Rex’s eye twitched as he seethed indignantly. "Ingrates. Don't they know who I am??"

There was no response from any of the patrons. If any of them were listening, they did not care.

"Hey, dragonborn." The rough voice of the bouncer, a tall orc wearing very little above the waist, cut through Rex's thoughts. "You've been sitting here for three hours. Buy something."

"My good man, you don't understand, I’m waiting for my potential recruits to arrive to start the merrymaking-"

"Buy something or get out. That's the rule." He cracked his knuckles to accentuate the point.

Rex clenched his fist, preparing to grab the bouncer by the throat, but restrained himself. He could probably take this man, but that would DEFINITELY get him thrown out, and he’d have to find somewhere else to ply his trade. Good rulers don't get angry at their subjects for minor transgressions...

Celeste was lost.

She had been sent on another wild goose chase by her mysterious patron, and had no idea where she was going, as usual. All the buildings in Centrum looked the same- generic stone walls, the same tiled roofs it was so drab it made her want to puke. The only difference between them were the shops inside. Anyway, there was something about a “Rex Brimstone”...

Supposedly he was around here, but like always, Asteron didn’t give much in the way of details. Grumbling to herself. “Asteron, I have no idea where this guy is… can I have a hint as to where I’m going? Pleeeease? I know you work in mysterious ways, but sometimes they’re a little too mysterious..."

Her plea went unanswered. Asteron only contacted her through cryptic messages in her head when he had something important to say. To be fair, she usually managed to find whatever she was supposed to be looking for… but not until getting into a few close scrapes that she would miraculously escape from. More of Asteron’s guidance, she supposed.

Unfortunately, all the holy guidance in the world couldn’t compensate for lack of direction. She had popped into almost every building around this city she’d come across,, and nobody had any idea who this Rex Brimstone was. Most everyone just ignored her.

Well except for that heretical bookseller that morning that she’d gotten into a tiff with… but he wasn’t important. And besides, he deserved it for spreading the word of false gods!

“Come ON, there’s no one in this Asteron-forsaken city who knows a Rex Brimstone?!”

She had double-checked all the buildings. Triple-checked them, even! Including the ones that were probably private property. All had left her completely in the lurch- no results whatsoever.

Egh. I had to get up SO EARLY for this! At noon! NOON! And for what, trying to find a guy I know nothing about in a city I’ve never been to. Sometimes being a divine messenger is exhausting-

A piece of paper blew in and smacked her in the face, derailing her train of thought.

“ACK!” She yanked it off her face, about to crumple and toss it on the ground indignantly, but something caught her eye…

It was an ad for prospective adventurers, presumably made by hand and on short notice. It read…

'DO YOU WANT TO EMBARK ON THE QUEST OF A LIFETIME? GAIN ULTIMATE POWER, RICHES, AND WHATEVER ELSE YOU CAN IMAGINE? THIS IS YOUR GREAT OPPORTUNITY!! Talk to the dragonborn in the Adventurers’ Tavern, Centrum. Be quick- positions might fill up quickly!!'

Wait a minute, I passed that tavern five minutes ago! This could be it!! Hopefully.

She looked up, her prior agitation melting away. The more guidance she had, the better!

“This must be a sign! Thank you, Asteron!!”

No response. But she knew he appreciated it. Being a god with only one worshipper had to be pretty depressing, so she had to do her part to give some inspiration back! Gods needed attention just as much as mortals did, after all.

Reluctantly, Rex got up, grumbling under his breath, and stomped over to the bar counter. Ingrates. I should be sitting on the throne of my ancestors... instead, I'm cast out, forced to beg for aid… Gods, what did I do to deserve this?? The Great Rex Brimstone, reduced to running and hiding-

“IS THERE A REX BRIMSTONE IN HERE?”

Rex blinked for a second. Who said that? Looking around the tavern, his eyes landed on a new patron who had just walked in- and his surprise turned into confusion. It was a High Elf- long blond hair, pale skin, the most typical of looks for someone of her race. She was clad in a white robe with an ‘A’ plastered on the front. If that was a religious symbol, it was an extremely unsubtle one.

A High Elf? Rex mused. I don’t know any elves, High or otherwise. Why would one be looking for me by name–- and in such an attention-grabbing way? After all, I’m a wanted man…

“Anybody? I’m looking for a Rex? Brimstone? It’s for something important…” She scurried about the tavern, asking anyone in her vicinity. Most ignored her. Some laughed. One person, the same dwarf from earlier, mumbled a curse, to which she didn’t appear to be fazed.

And I definitely didn’t put my name on the poster, how does she know that! Rex’s confusion grew by the second as he took stock of the mysterious lady.

She carried a staff made of petrified wood, with a large pale blue gemstone at the end of it. At first glance, she looked like any other High Elf– tall, pale skin, long blond hair in a shade far more vibrant than usual for their race, slender figure. But something looked different about her. High Elves normally carry themselves with more… stoicity than this, he thought, as she continued to pester the patrons, without a hint of any subtlety.

She knows me, yet doesn’t know what I look like? And she’s just… asking about a wanted man… in broad daylight. And she’s not even armed!

The more he thought about this, the more his head hurt trying to comprehend it all. But… she’s the only person who’s expressed any interest… in hours.

He sighed, knowing he would probably regret this later, and moved over to the inquisitive elf. Trying to keep his voice down, in case someone more unsavory was listening in, he whispered “Um, excuse me… are you looking for me, by any chance?”

She turned around, staring at him. “Huh. You’re Rex?” She looked him up and down. “I was expecting someone a bit more… regal, I guess? That ratty cloak REALLY does not suit you!”

He growled in annoyance. Gods, what am I doing, he thought. Thankfully, nobody seemed to be paying attention to them. “Listen, there’s a table over there. Let’s discuss my identity… more quietly, please?”

“Okay!” She followed him over, with all the naive bounciness of a lapdog who’s just heard the word ‘food’. As she did, Rex thought ruefully,

I’m very much going to regret this.

“So.” Rex sat across from the mysterious elf, still just as cheery as ever. She had ordered a glass of milk instead of any alcohol, an action that gave her a very strange look from the tavern owner- not that she noticed. “There’s a few questions I have to ask you. First, what’s your name, anyway?”

“Celeste.” She guzzled the last of the milk down.

“Second… What’s your class?”

“I’m the high priestess of Asteron, the Creator of all things!” She beamed.

If Rex had any eyebrows, he would have raised them. “Never heard of Asteron, but isn’t the Creator dead-”

“NO.” Celeste pouted. “He’s alive, and watching us all from the ether! Praise be to him, for he guides the people of the world in subtle ways-”

“All right, I’m sorry I brought it up!” Rex groaned. “So, a cleric, then. You don’t look like much of a fighter…”

“Oh, no, I’m a healer, not a fighter. Well, usually. There was that one time someone stole a bag of candy I’d bought recently, and I couldn’t let THAT stand, so I took my staff and-”

“ANYWAY…” Rex could feel his exasperation growing by the minute. How can I take over the world if people aren’t going to take me seriously?!

“What’s your personal objective, if any?”

“Listen, I’ve been told to find you, for a secret quest. It’s REALLY important!”

A secret. That you’ve already announced. To the entire tavern. Rex felt a migraine coming on. “...And what would that be?”

She beamed. “Why, to save the world, of course!”

Rex sighed. Why couldn’t I get the ones that just wanted money, or vengeance, or something… obtainable? “All right, Celeste, listen. I don’t think this is going to work. Our objectives are quite incompatible.”

“Oh, it can’t be THAT bad!” Celeste’s smile continued to grow.

Rex felt his migraine growing, too.

He leaned closer to whisper to Celeste, in the vain hope to shield it from people that might be listening. “Listen, my quest is quite dangerous… I can’t say what, but it’s very, very dangerous.”

“Can’t say, huh?” Celeste said. “Well, don’t worry, I can just ask Asteron about it!”

“What,” Rex replied flatly.

“One sec.” She put the gem on her staff to her ear and began speaking. “Hello? Asteron? What’s this guy’s quest again?” Then, a pause. She looked like she was listening to someone, but Rex couldn’t hear anyone speaking.

“Um… are you-”

“SSSSH! I’M LISTENING!” Celeste snapped. Rex facepalmed. After a few minutes, Celeste gasped. “OHHHH, that’s why? Ooh, that sounds important. Got it. Great. I’ll tell him that, thank you!”

Celeste lowered the staff from her ear and turned back to Rex. “Okay, I’ve got the details.” She leaned in to whisper in his ear, a little too close for his comfort. “You’re trying to overthrow the Empire, right?”

“What- how- how did you know that?!” Rex exclaimed. If she has no idea who I am, how would she be able to guess something like that?!

Then again, it wasn’t like wanting the Gaian Empire abolished was an uncommon sentiment. Despite their claims of holiness, the list of their sins was almost uncountable. But stating it so openly, when she was technically within its borders? Is she off her rocker?!

“Hee hee. Asteron told me everything! And trust me, saving the world and toppling those weirdos are one and the same. We can work together! And judging by your current situation, you might need all the help you can get…”

Damnit. He didn’t want to admit it to a religious buffoon like her, but she was right. If she could really get strange knowledge from somewhere, perhaps she could be useful yet- and of course, clerics were always useful- after all, charging bravely onto the front lines meant nothing if his wounds couldn’t be healed.

“...Fine. Welcome to this quest, I suppose…”

“YAAAAAY!!” Celeste “I’ll be REALLY useful, I promise!!” As she rejoiced, Rex thought,

I am really, really, going to regret this.

Chapter Text

CENTRUM

A major trade hub in the Empire, located on the southwestern peninsula of the Northeast Continent.

Conveniently located between several prominent spots, it’s a bustling hub of commerce and information. Port of Kall is to the southwest, allowing for a steady influx of trade goods. Peace Forest is to the northwest, where resources are steadily harvested from. The Informatorium is to the east, and students there often come here to kick back, blow a few gold pieces, or get useful items for their studies.

Of course, you can’t find anything TOO objectionable here on the surface, thanks to its close proximity to the capital city of Gaiapolis. But if you know where to look, there’s always a way.

-The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Gaia

Unfortunately, Rex and Celeste were soon ejected from the bar– after all, it was closing. So here he was, with only one additional recruit to his glorious cause.

I can’t be too public with my objective, otherwise the Empire will get wind and come down on my head.

“Oh, come ON!”

Hmph. I suppose I could go to the Sisterhood of Assassins- no, they’d laugh me out on my ear. And I can’t be seen anywhere near my REAL home, Dragonia… someone will recognize me, and then everything will-

“Who drew this picture?!”

Rex snapped out of his pondering at the loud bothering of Celeste. “What?! I’m trying to plot our next move-”

Celeste, seemingly uncaring of this, pointed to a nearby pole. Upon closer inspection, Rex understood why– on the pole, there was a wanted poster, which depicted an elf laughing maniacally, with a very thin face and a long nose. The sign said “WANTED for false god worship, heresy, destruction of property– Celeste Cherie.”

“Look at this! This is terrible! I have a MUCH prettier face than that!!” Celeste pouted.

Rex glared at Celeste. “What did you do?!”

“Oh, yeah… some Empire priests were peddling their fake religious texts, in the square. I was arguing with some guy and when I was leaving I, uh… knocked over the bookshelf…”

Rex breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, we could explain that as an accident-”

“...onto the guy I was arguing with.”

Dumbfounded, Rex narrowed his eyes. “What?”

“It was an accident!! I turned around and the back end of my staff hit it!! Then he started yelling about heretics, and then the other-”

All Rex could do was smack his forehead in sheer annoyance. “You- all right, we need to leave before you get us arrested and end this quest before it begins. We’re leaving-

“STOP RIGHT THERE!!”

Rex took a long, deep sigh before turning around, hoping that whoever said that was chasing after someone else. Unfortunately, today was not his lucky day.

An Empire soldier approached the duo. A human clad in white armor, marred by various dents and dings, who didn’t look particularly friendly.

“There’s the elf that caused all that mess earlier!! Do you know how many books were ruined because of that avalanche you caused?!”

Rex glared at Celeste, who didn’t seem to notice. Perhaps a little bit of regal charm can get me out of this. Stay calm… stay calm… He took a deep breath. “Apologies, officer, there appears to be some mistake. We’ve just arrived here, perhaps you’ve mistaken her for some other elf?”

“Rex, wha—-OW!” He cut her off with a sharp elbow before she could continue. Keep your mouth shut, you airhead!! I can get you out of this if you be SILENT for five minutes!

 The soldier narrowed his eyes. “What’re you tryin’ to pull, scaleface? I think I can recognize her. She’s even got shorter hair compared to the usual!”

Don’t rise to the insults…

“She just cut her hair short recently, you see. It’s a new fashion statement in Ellmark, all the ladies are doing it!” Please work, please, I do NOT need a public fight in the middle of a busy city street!!

The soldier, unfortunately, was not swayed so easily. “I’m not falling for that! Now get out of the way, worm, or I’ll arrest you too!!”

Rex’s eye twitched. “Worm? Do you- do you know who you’re speaking to?”

The soldier looked nonplussed. “Not really. And if you don’t get out of the way, I’m gonna stomp you like the worm you- URK!”

That’s it.

Before he could stop himself, he’d grabbed the fool by the neck, his scaly hand gripping him firmly. Something snapped inside of Rex. That’s IT. His rage was burning, like the fire he breathed. Face twisted into a mask of rage, he bellowed words that he’d been aching to say since the start of the encounter!

“You DARE mock my birthright, PLEBEIAN?! I have been raised from birth to rule an ENTIRE KINGDOM! Your authority is worth less than the dust on my boots!!”

The soldier didn’t even bother to respond, before running away, screaming his head off. Rex felt very proud of himself. Clearly SOME people know the proper order of things!!

Unfortunately, his pride was cut short quickly by a terrible realization- that he’d just blown his cover. He turned to Celeste and barked, “We need to leave, now. He’s going to get more of his friends, and we don’t want to be here when they arrive!”
Celeste, stunned for a second at the total shift in his demeanor, just nodded. “Yeah… yeah. Let’s!”

The duo darted through the city streets, in a desperate attempt to vacate the premises. Celeste could still not contain herself, constantly bombarding Rex with questions while running at a brisk pace. How does she not run out of breath? She has more hot air than most of the Empire’s soldiers!

“Wait, you’re a prince?! Of what? That’s so cool-”

“I’ll tell you when we’re not currently being chased!!” Rex snapped. He dragged Celeste around a corner into a dark alley. only to run smack into another Empire soldier! Not that way!

Whirling around, the soldier from earlier had caught up to them! They were sandwiched in the alley.

“Gods damn it!!” Rex growled. This wasn’t an ideal situation to be in, and more reinforcements would probably arrive soon…

“So, you’re the one responsible for this commotion?”

A human with long, flowing blond hair strode around the corner. He looked far more handsome than one would expect, with nary a scar on his face. Clad in heavy-looking golden armor, he hoisted a large two-handed sword above his shoulder, surveying the scene with a trained gaze. Hmph. Someone higher on the totem pole, I’m guessing?

The soldier Rex had scared off earlier was standing next to him, babbling frantically. “Master Bard, sir… I found the heretic, but this guy showed up and beat the hell out of me!!”

“So he did?” The blond man turned around, his eyes narrowing. “Then I shall fight in your stead.”

Celeste looked worried. “Uh, Rex, we should probably get out of here… this guy looks like he means business-”

“He has insulted my honor!! I shall not stand and let mere lapdogs of the Empire walk over me!!” Rex bellowed. “State your name, so I may know who I am about to triumph over!!”

“Hmph. My job is to apprehend miscreants who disturb the peace, like you.” He raised his sword dramatically. “I am Bard, the Redeemer! It is my duty to find lost souls like you, and set them on the path of righteousness!”

Rex groaned. Oh, no, it’s one of THESE people…

“Do you REALLY think I’ll bow down and submit to your sodding empire with simple words?! I have more self-respect than that!!”

Bard frowned. “Listen, friend. I’m just here to capture the heretic. I don’t know who you are, but as long as you hand her over, I’ll be willing to forgive your actions towards my subordinate.”

Rex looked at Celeste for a minute. The gravity of the situation seemed to be getting to her, finally, as something resembling fear started to appear in her eyes. I could just hand her over and walk away…

…no. Not again! I won’t run away again!!

Rex turned his gaze back to Bard. “Apologies, but this ‘heretic’ is under my protection as a party member. If you want her, you’ll have to go through me first! And besides…” He grinned. “Anyone who’s wanted by the Empire is a friend of mine, lapdog!”

Bard frowned, then shrugged. “So be it. Resisting arrest, aiding a known criminal…” He raised his sword. “Then, I shall have to subdue you myself, to keep the peace of this fair city!” Bard gestured to the soldier behind them. “You, go let the second in command know what’s happened.” With a nod, the soldier ran off- he looked desperate to be out of this situation.

He’s fighting by himself? Idiot! It’s two on one! I’ll show him not to trifle with the great Rex Brimstone!!

Rex turned to Celeste. “You said you’re a healer? Well, now’s the time!! Back me up while I drive this FOOL into the ground he walks on!!”Rex rushed forward with his battleaxe, only for Bard to block it handily. They clashed furiously, trading blows at an even pace.

Bard grinned. “You fight well, dragonborn, but against the Empire’s might, you will fall!”

“SILENCE!!” Rex interrupted. “Your empire is built on the ruins of kingdoms! You don’t have the right to lecture ME!!”

Rex swung again, but it bounced off Bard’s large shield, sending him reeling!

“Such are the words of a HERETIC!” Bard raised his sword, setting it alight with a holy glow, before swinging it at Rex to unleash a wave of light energy! The force of it knocked him back, but he remained standing.

“You’ll have to try harder than THAT, you-” Rex got cut off by Bard slamming the pommel of his sword into Rex’s gut, knocking the wind out of him!

“And you should not leave yourself open so easily, friend.” Bard swung again, but Rex barely ducked under it!

Rex growled. “Don’t call me that, dog of the Empire!! I’ll have you whimpering under my boot!!” Bard wordlessly continued his assault- clearly he had touched a nerve.

I am loath to admit it, but this fool is stronger than I thought. If things keep going the way they are…

“FOR THE GLORY OF ASTERON THE CREATOR!” Celeste’s voice rang out over the din of the battle, and all of a sudden, Rex felt rejuvenated!

Bard frowned. “Hmph. Still on about that? The Creator is dead, heretic- no matter what you believe! Wherever your power is from, it cannot be from him!”

Celeste pointed her staff at him, an uncharacteristically serious expression on her face. “Heretic? You’re the heretic, trying to deny His power in favor of your phony Pope!! The real creator wouldn’t want any of what your people are doing!!” She turned to Rex. “Come on, show this idiot who the REAL god is! I’ll heal any wounds you take!!”

Rex already felt rejuvenated, his body glowing a pale pink. Getting to his feet, he raised his axe. “Guess you’re useful after all…” Glaring at Bard, he charged, swinging wildly!

Bard swung his sword into Rex’s shoulder, yelling in anger. “Heretics cannot stand against me!!” Rex grunted in pain, but before he knew it, the wound was healing back up, glowing white!

Perfect. He grinned, continuing to swing wildly at Bard, forcing him on the defensive. He looked unprepared for such a relentless assault- especially when his opponent’s wounds kept healing!

Rex bellowed imperiously, “Fool! Mere pawns cannot stand against a king! And soon it’ll be checkmate for you, lapdog!!” Rex breathed in and belched a burst of flame onto Bard’s cape, catching the fabric into an inferno! Taking advantage of his opponent’s newfound distraction, he charged forward, slamming the butt of his axe into Bard’s chiseled face, making a great flow of blood spurt from the knight’s nose!

Bringing the blade of his axe up to the fool’s neck, Rex glowered. “Are you ready to accept who the TRUE ruler is?! Or do I have to send you to the afterlife first?”

Bard grinned. “Truly, you are stronger than I had anticipated, dragonborn. I will admit that. But this battle is already over.”

An angered expression crossed Rex’s face, and he bared his teeth. “For you, it might be-”

“REX! BEHIND YOU!!”

Confused at Celeste’s words, Rex whirled around, only having a few seconds to glimpse a new assailant- an armored centaur woman- before the rearing hooves came down on his head, knocking him down!

As he felt his consciousness fading, Rex only had one thought…

You couldn’t… have told me sooner?!

Celeste was reeling. The prophecy’s chosen hero, knocked out cold! This couldn’t be happening!

Bard’s centaur ally had leaped over Celeste’s head and clocked Rex over the head with her massive hooves, sending him down to the ground with nary a fuss. She was covered in silver armor, with a long blond ponytail coming out the back of her helmet. Her cream-colored legs barely peeked out of the metal plates and cloth skirt covering her equine half’s back and sides. She was carrying a healer’s staff, wrought out of steel and a gold ball at the tip.

She would be a menacing figure if she wasn’t currently busy doting over her boss.

“Master, you need to be more careful! If I hadn’t been summoned, you could have been in serious danger!” The centaur quickly checked him for any signs of injury. “You’re always too reckless!”

Bard shrugged. “If the heretic was really going to kill me, he wouldn’t have hesitated. That one was soft, not enough resolve to finish the job…”

“That’s not the point!” She raised her staff, enveloping him in the light of healing magic. “I’m supposed to protect you, and you keep going off on your own!”

Celeste looked around. The other soldiers were too busy with the commotion, and seemed to be ignoring her for the moment- but she knew that wouldn't last for long!

Okay, maybe I should try to get away from here. I’m sure I’ll be able to get Rex out of jail, probably, assuming Asteron smiles on me…

Celeste prepared to run away- the longer she stayed, the more likely she’d be to get captured once their attention returned to her. If she ran now, she could get lucky…

But that would mean abandoning the prophecy and Asteron’s orders. I can’t do that! But if I get captured, I can’t do anything! What do I do?!  

If I heal Rex enough for him to get up, we might be able to make a break for it. Here we go-

Unfortunately, Bard was much too alert, and he spotted her ploy. “Hmph. Georgina, get the other one, please.”

“Oh! Right! Sorry!” The centaur darted in front of her, swinging her staff to knock Celeste’s away! She didn’t look like a fighter, but that didn’t matter when she was bigger and faster by default.

Without my staff, I can’t communicate with Asteron! This is bad… what do I do?!

Bard walked up to her, his stern expression unchanging. “Now, what I came for. Celeste Cherie, cleric of a false god. Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use force?”

She looked at Rex, who was still out like a light. She couldn’t abandon one of the prophecy’s heroes! “You’re not going to hurt him, right? He’s important!”

Bard nodded. “Important, you say. Well, I give my word as a Knight of Gaia, that no harm will come to him if you surrender quietly. The prophet of a false god is far more dangerous than some washed-up royalty.”

Oh, he knows about that. That can’t be good. As long as we stay together, it’s fine. It’s fine!

“...fine. You don’t know what you’re doing, though! Asteron is real!”

Bard rolled his eyes, as if he’d heard that sort of complaint a million times already. “Yes, yes. Georgina, grab her.”

Instantly, the centaur produced a pair of handcuffs to bind her wrists with. Before long, both her and Rex were slung over her broad back, as the duo of knights made their way to the nearest jail…

I’ll get a chance… Asteron always delivers me ways to escape danger. I just have to have faith…

Chapter Text

If you find yourself imprisoned, take heart- there are treasures in there, too.

As of late, the Gaian Empire’s been confiscating any magical artifacts they deem “too powerful for the general public.” But really, they mean “anything they can use for themselves.” Usually these are kept in special rooms in your local jail facility. You’ll probably find something in there to pawn off. Or, if you’re the more moral sort, return them to their owners for a pretty penny. Just make sure to not get caught again while escaping!

-Toki Dorobo, The Thief’s Guide to Mischief

Usagi lazed about in the cell’s bed, searching the room for any weak spots for the umpteenth time. Of course, he hadn’t found any, but it was worth triple checking.

Day 10 in this cell… and no distractions around here. How disappointing.

“I can’t believe I got caught filching a wallet of all things. What an elementary mistake…” he muttered. “They left it on a table, it was practically asking to be stolen!” Unfortunately, he had the bad luck to grab it right as its owner came back…

Of course, he COULD simply leave through the front door by picking the lock- the trusty straw he always kept by him would make sure of that. But sneaking out by himself would be too risky- he was fast, but he couldn’t outfight an entire legion of guards. No, he needed a distraction of some sort- or someone who could back him up. Or, in a worst-case scenario, a fall guy to get captured in his stead. Someone who REALLY wanted to leave, and would cooperate with a plan…

But who?  He wondered. None of the other people in here seem fit for this… they’re all too, how should I put it? Resigned. And besides, he had asked already- all of them had rejected his proposal for escape. It’s not that difficult to get out of a cell if you know what you’re doing, really… The only problem is getting out of the building around it.

“GIVE ME BACK MY STAFF!!”

A spectacularly loud voice quickly shattered the silence of the dismal building, and Usagi’s ears pricked up. Usually something that loud meant a new prisoner was arriving- or one was being taken to death row. The former was more common in his experience, thankfully.

Usagi quickly scurried into the corner of the room, trying to make himself look as small as possible. Not terribly difficult, when one was only four feet tall.

The guards threw open the door, and Usagi could finally get a look at the offender of that awful noise. A High Elf and a dragonborn… quite an unlikely duo.

The duo was shoved into the cell block, with the guards shutting the door quickly behind them. The elf attempted to rush the door, but it was already shut and locked. Meanwhile, the dragonborn was clearly out cold. Oh? New cellmates? That’s a surprise. Usually they don’t put anyone else in cells with known career criminals… like yours truly. They must have run out of space.

The dragonborn was completely knocked out, a nasty bump forming on the top of his head. Wonder if he picked a bigger fight than he could handle. He looks fairly strong, so it must have been rough… Meanwhile, the elf was still raising all sorts of hell.

“DON’T DROP THAT!! THAT’S A HOLY ARTIFACT YOU’RE MISHANDLING!!” She banged against the bars of the cell, saying every piece of bad language short of actually swearing. It would be amusing, but Usagi’s ears already hurt from the cacophony of this woman. Gods, she’s loud. Is she trying to wake up everyone in the cell block? How her companion could sleep through that racket was a complete mystery to Usagi.

The elf rushed back over to her unconscious compatriot, attempting to shake him awake. The violent motion seemed to work, as the large reptilian man began to stir, groaning in pain. Unlike his partner, this one looked fairly strong- and the gears began turning in Usagi’s head. Hm. Best attempt to glean some information before attempting to enlist their services… don’t want to end up dead if they’re fools, after all. But I might be able to work with this…

“Rex!!”

Ugh, my head…

Rex slowly opened his eyes, his vision blurry and head still pounding. If I see that centaur again, I will personally take my axe and bury it in-

“Rex, wake up!!” Celeste evidently did not understand the meaning of whispering… or headaches.

“I’m awake, I’m awake, cease your whining!!” Rex barked. “Can’t I get a moment’s peace?!” Celeste, as usual, was blind to his annoyance.

“Oh, good, you’re awake. We’ve got a problem. They took my staff!!”

“And?"

Celeste looked crestfallen. “I can’t do magic without it! And I can’t hear Asteron, either!! Oh no, oh no oh no, how am I going to fulfill the prophecy now?”

“All right, what is this prophecy, anyway?! You’ve gotten me thrown in jail for it, I think I deserve to know!!” Rex growled.

“Oh, it’s simple!” Celeste beamed, her former sadness gone almost instantly. “All I need to do is gather six other warriors, gather the Orbs of the Creator, and save the world!!”

“Wh- what orbs?! Creator?!” Rex was getting more confused by the second. “I’m going to need more of an explanation than that!”

Celeste sighed. “Right, not everybody’s been gifted with knowledge like I have.”

At that, Rex’s eye twitched. Knowledge?! You, who announced your purpose to the entire world and can’t keep your mouth shut to save your life?!

“Basically, the Creator broke his power up into seven magic balls, and whoever finds them all gains ULTIMATE POWER, or something. My job is to gather them, with the aid of six other fearsome warriors, so they don’t fall into the wrong hands!”

Rex’s interest was suddenly piqued. “Wait, what did you say about… ultimate power?” Celeste tilted her head curiously, as if she didn’t see anything interesting about that statement- which just made Rex more annoyed. “As in, the great and ultimate power of the Creator, capable of reforming entire worlds? And you didn’t feel the need to mention this earlier, why??”

“YOU didn’t tell me you were a prince, either!” Rex couldn’t think of a good response to that, so he thought it would be best to turn his attention to more pressing topics. Like escape.

He shook the bars. They seemed solidly built– and without his ax, he wasn’t breaking them down. “Fine, we can illuminate each other later. First, we need to get out of here, somehow-”

A smooth voice cut in over their arguing, gentle yet somehow commanding. “Heh. Princes? Orbs of ultimate power? What a jackpot I’ve stumbled into…” Rex looked around, before locating the source. A short harengon clad in blue robes and a straw hat, was lounging around in the corner, nibbling on a piece of straw. His fluffy and cute appearance was offset by a scar on his left cheek. He blended in so well, Rex hadn’t even noticed him.

“You two are, without a doubt, the most unstealthy people I have ever seen… but, I must say, what you’re blathering about intrigues me.” He hopped up and strode over to the duo, looking them up and down. He was two feet shorter than Rex, yet didn’t seem intimidated at all. Either this one has seen far more than his appearance would suggest, or he’s a massive fool. Let’s hope it’s the former…

“Orbs of ultimate power, princes… very, very interesting. Tell me, you wouldn’t happen to be Rex Brimstone, by any chance?”

Rex’s jaw dropped. “H-how?! I’ve been hiding for years!!”

“Word gets around in the circles of those who hide from the law, your majesty. The lost prince of the Kingdom of Dragonia, chased out when his father was deposed…” The rabbit grinned. “And the cleric of Asteron too? Oh boy, I’ve heard of you. Constantly getting into trouble, arrested, escaping under unclear circumstances… luck of the devil, heh.”

Rex growled. “What’s your point, rabbit! Are you just going to tell us what we already know?”

“This rabbit has a name. Usagi Dorobo, master thief, last of the Dorobo clan, with one of the biggest bounties in the world… What I’m saying is I want in on the hustle. Something like this? Probably a lot of money to be made…”

“HE’S SO CUTE!!” Celeste squealed, finally breaking her silence. “SO FLUFFY!!”

Usagi laughed. “Ah ha ha! I know ladies can’t help but fall all over me, but perhaps we should focus on getting out of here first?”

Rex frowned. “And how are you going to do that? I tried smashing those doors down and they didn’t even budge. And I’m much stronger than you!”

“Heh heh. Don’t need muscles or fire breath to get out of here. Give me a minute…” Usagi crouched down near the door, pulled the piece of straw out of his mouth and began tinkering with it.

“Ooh, look at his cute little tail, I could just poke it for ages…” Celeste crooned. Rex turned toward her, an incredulous look on his face.

“This is an Empire facility, do you REALLY think some rabbit can get us out of here so easily-”

CLANG!

The door swung open. Usagi stood outside, grinning at him. “You were saying, Your Majesty?”

Rex grimaced. “Save your mockery. We need to get out of here!!”

“Thank you, bunny!!” Celeste picked up Usagi in a desperate attempt to snuggle him- before he deftly wriggled out of her grip.

“Sorry, sweetheart, but you’re not my type. Not enough fur. Or… sharp appendages. Anyway, you said you were looking for your staff?”

Celeste nodded vigorously. “Yes!! I can’t do magic or talk to Asteron without it!!” Rex rolled his eyes- he’d heard this way too many times already.

Usagi rubbed his small chin. “Hm. That would be kept in the contraband locker… I know where that is. Follow me, and don’t lag behind- the guards will be back any moment!” He hopped off, with Celeste following close behind.

Rex followed, grumbling to himself. “I swear to the gods, if this rabbit gets us caught, I’ll shove that straw down his smug throat…”

As the trio snuck through the foreboding passages of the jail, Rex thought at how off the rails this day had gone. Getting stuck in the mad ramblings of a religious loon, duelling a self-righteous Empire soldier, and then breaking out of their jail with the aid of a very dubious rabbit. Not the most… elegant way of assembling allies…

He looked around furtively. Oddly, there weren’t any guards around. It’s awfully quiet around here… good. The less excitement right now, the better…

“Wait. Stay back.” Usagi’s harsh whisper cut through the silence of the room. He peered around a corner, scoping out the situation ahead. “Hm. That’s not ideal…”

Oh no. Rex was dreading what was about to come out of the rabbit’s mouth. Rabbits are good luck, they say… bah.

“What is it??” Celeste said, in a voice that could barely qualify as a whisper.

“Well, I have good news and bad news. The contraband locker’s just up ahead, and your staff’s probably inside." Usagi muttered. "Bad news is, there’s a guard there. And she looks pretty alert…”

Rex snuck a look past the corner to confirm, and indeed, Usagi was correct. A human guardswoman with a ponytail was standing outside the door, staring at the clock on the wall. Rex sighed. “Great. And we don’t have our weapons, either… I suppose we’ll just have to knock them out the old-fashioned way…”

Usagi chuckled. “Oh, please, your majesty, we don’t have to resort to such boorish- and likely to fail- methods. I’ve been doing this for years. Watch the master at work…”

Before Rex could stop him, Usagi walked directly out in the open, into the guard’s view! What?! What are you doing?! Weren’t you just talking about being stealthy?!

Holding his hat in his hands, Usagi put on his cutest face and stared directly at the guard. “Hewwo!! I’m a widdle wost, can you hewp me??”

Rex had to fight valiantly to not laugh. THIS is the rabbit’s plan? What is he going to do, give them a heart attack??

Celeste, meanwhile, was too busy gaping. “Oooh, he’s even cuter now!!” she crooned. “Look at his chubby cheeks, I could just-”

“Silence!!” Rex elbowed her in the gut.

The guard was instantly smitten. “Poor baby… don’t worry, I’ll help you find your way!” She led Usagi away, who was still babbling in a cute voice that made Rex want to gag. Even if this works, I could do with hearing less of… that.

“Are you looking for your parents, little one?” The guard said in a motherly tone. Usagi got a look at her name tag, which said ‘Officer Holly’.

“Yeah, they said they’d be awound hewe somewhewe… I think they work hewe…” While he was keeping her occupied, Usagi quickly snatched the set of keys hanging from her belt. They’re not even secured. How has she not lost them yet?

“Do you know any more? What do they look like?” Holly asked. Usagi almost felt bad about deceiving her. Almost.

“They’re wabbits just wike me… one’s bwack, the othew’s white…”

“Hm… I don’t remember seeing anyone like that around here, they must be visitors. Or transfers. They’re always transferring people in here without telling me… I don’t know how they keep everything straight!"

That’s right, keep talking… keep being distracted… need to find somewhere to get you out of the way-

“Wait… where are my keys?”

Damnit. I’ve got to act quickly…

Looking around frantically, Usagi spotted a nearby cell, which was conveniently open. It was covered in a thick metal door with a sliding window near the top- thick enough that it would block most sound from coming out. 

Ah, it’s my lucky day. Perhaps it hadn’t been filled with a prisoner yet. Well, it’s about to be…

“Miss guard! Who’s that in there?” Come on, natural beauty, do your job…

“What? There’s no one in there…” Despite herself, the guard went to go look anyway- which was a grave mistake for her, as Usagi darted to her side and tripped her inside!

Quickly, before the guard could get up, Usagi slammed the door and locked it.

“Ah, perfect. Sorry, love, couldn't have you raising an alarm."

“You tricked me! When I find your parents, they’re going to be so cross!!”

“Joke’s on you, they’ve been dead for years.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry- wait, you were lying even more?!”

Usagi was struggling not to laugh at how… simple this guard was. Perhaps she was a bit too green for this job. I almost pity her- almost.

“It’s called a hustle, sweetheart. A point of advice for the future- most harengon are older than they look. I’m sure someone will come to let you out eventually- take this as a learning experience.”

“A learning experience?! I’ll- you- open this door right now, and I might not-”

But before she could finish her weakly worded threat, Usagi slid the window on the door closed, and started hopping back to the others.

Usually that’s more difficult. I guess I happened upon the weak link here… lucky me!

Not five minutes later, Usagi strolled back around the corner, dusting off his robe and with a shit-eating grin on his face.“Guard’s been dealt with.”

Rex’s jaw dropped.  “What did you do?? You were only gone for a little bit…”

“Filched the keys, tripped her into a cell, and locked the door behind her.”

“...well… good job, then. That was quick…” Rex turned away, heading to the contraband locker door. This rabbit is far cleverer than one would expect… perhaps he’ll be a valuable asset after all…

Picking the door open, he peered inside. Thankfully, there weren’t any more guards inside the place, otherwise he’d be in deep trouble. “Coast is clear. Let’s get our things back-”

“ASTERON, I’M COMING!!” Celeste immediately shoved past him before he could finish his sentence.

Usagi strode up behind her, raising an eyebrow towards Rex. “Is she always like that?”

Rex rolled his eyes in the most disapproving manner he could muster. “Unfortunately.”

Inside the small room, was a ton of stuff piled up. Weapons, armor, and an assortment of other miscellany.

“Oh, perfect. Let’s see what they’ve been hiding in here…” Usagi quickly hopped up to the top of a large pile of bags and began digging. “Oh, good, a wallet… whoever had this won’t need it… earrings… oh ho ho, that’s an interesting pendant…”

Ignoring the greedy rabbit’s muttering, Rex quickly located his axe, sitting on a nearby shelf, hefting it triumphantly. “Excellent. NOW I’ll be able to show those guards what for!!”

Usagi stopped his search for a moment. “I wouldn’t recommend that… we should try to be as inconspicuous as possible, remember?”

Rex looked at the large bag of stuff Usagi was now sporting, then back to him. Pot calling the kettle, here… hmph. At least the alarm hasn’t been raised yet, so unless someone REALLY sticks their foot in it, we should be able to-

BONG!

The loud sound of a bell echoed throughout the room, ringing in Rex’s ears, catching him halfway through putting his armor back on. “Oh, what NOW?!” He whirled around, to see Celeste, holding her staff, looking sheepish.

Rex stormed over, his scaled face looking even redder than usual. “What did you do?! We needed to be subtle! SUBTLE!!”

“Uh… the staff was stuck on this wall, so I had to really pull to get it off… and when I did, that bell started ringing-”

Usagi, toting a large sack of valuables, inspected the mount the staff was attached to, and sighed. “Curses, the staff must have been trapped…” he muttered. “We’d better make ourselves scarce, and quickly before the guards come back. Follow me!” He rushed out of the room, with Celeste following close behind.

Rex stomped quickly out of the room, snarling curses under his breath. “If we get recaptured because of this, I’m going to take that staff and break it over my knee!! Holy artifact, my tail…”

Chapter Text

These races are to be apprehended on sight, even if there is no warrant. They are too dangerous to be allowed amongst the general populace, due to their highly powerful nature and propensity for mayhem.

-Draconians are property of the Empire. Any of them that go missing must be retrieved.

-Driders typically live alone and away from people, but due to their nature as demonspawn, they must be apprehended if spotted. Too dangerous.

-Lycanthropes are highly unpredictable. Especially ones that aren’t werewolves, rare as they may be. Their animalistic urges may drive them to commit terrible crimes.

-Hengeyokai are similar to lycanthropes, however, their ability to shift at will makes them even more dangerous. If you suspect one is about the premises, report to the nearest Iron Watch garrison and it will be investigated.

Take care to leave them alive if possible. They could be useful assets.

-Dossier of the Gaian Empire

Arandia was bored. Not that that was unusual for her.

It had been a couple months since she’d been locked in this cell, and she fucking hated every minute of it. She was no stranger to living in terrible conditions, but this was on a whole other level. At least outside she could kill whatever animal happened to be around for food. Here, she had to resort to eating rats because the food they gave was too little for someone of her size. Hope I didn’t finally eat all of them. Then I’ll really be up shit creek… should have spaced them out a little bit. FUCK.

She tapped her eight legs in agitation, in a clockwise motion. They couldn’t even have the decency to give her a cellmate. The only time anyone bothered to talk to her was when they were delivering her food, or when the asshole warden came to rub his nose in her misfortune. She often fantasized about getting out of that cell and beating him to a bloody pulp- such thoughts of spite were her biggest motivator right now.

Well, besides getting out and getting a real fucking meal for once…

Speaking of, Arandia realized that nobody had come to deliver her lunch yet. Maybe they were busy. Or maybe they were trying to starve her to keep her docile. If they wanted me dead, they would have just killed me already… I must be too valuable. Jokes on them, if they think they can recruit ME, I’d rather strangle myself with my own webs.

She’d tried breaking out. Several times. Sadly, despite her considerable strength, the cell was built too solidly to get out. Three walls of heavy stone, and one made of metal bars too small to even fit an arm through.

One time she’d almost gotten somewhere, using a thread of webbing slipped through the gaps to catch a guard who got too close, but that hadn’t gone very well either. I’m sure the food will get here… might as well take a nap until it does-

She stopped ruminating. Something was off. A sound. Faint, but getting closer. Her hunter’s instinct hadn’t dimmed, even after months in a shitty stone cell.

Footsteps. Loud ones, too.

“The hell is that…” she muttered. Bad enough that i’m locked in here, now they can’t even let me sleep?!

The sound of armored footsteps harangued the trio as they rushed through the passages, pushing them forward.

“Usagi, where’s the exit?! We need to get out of here!!” Rex growled, trying to hide his frustration. Damn this armor! It wasn’t made for long-distance running!!  

And yet, despite him carrying heavy armor and a huge axe, Celeste was somehow even more winded than he was. “Asteron… give me strength…” She panted, looking even paler than before.

Usagi was the farthest ahead, but stopped in the middle of the hallway suddenly, nearly making Rex bump into him in the process. “Hm… There are guards up ahead, and behind us… I have an idea. Quickly, hide in there!” He pointed to a large, banged up door on the nearby wall… with a sign that said ‘Maximum Security Prisoner! Enter At Your Own Risk!!’

Rex turned to Usagi, snapping “THIS is your idea of a plan?! Throwing ourselves into a dragon’s den to escape a wolf?!”

Usagi shrugged. “I’m not hearing any better ideas, your majesty, unless you plan on facing all of those guards at once? By all means, me and the elf could certainly escape, and your sacrifice would be appreciated.”

“Well, there’s… I…” As Rex struggled to prove himself right, a sly grin appeared on Usagi’s face. “FINE.” He spat, at a loss. “But if whatever’s in there is hungry, YOU’RE on the-”

The door slamming behind Usagi cut off Rex mid-rant. Blasted rabbit. Insubordination, I say! If I wasn’t desperate… I’d- I’d do something unpleasant that I’d think of later!! He quickly followed, yanking Celeste in behind him.

What the FUCK?!

Three people had just barged into the room where her cell was, and slammed the door. There was no chance of her getting back to sleep now, not after all that racket.

She took stock of the motley crew before her. A dragonborn with a heavy-looking axe, an elf with a valuable-looking staff, and a harengon with no weapon at all. Couldn’t get more different if you tried.

The hell? Why would they hide in HERE? There’s no space to get out… No secret exits, nothing. Gods know I’ve tried.

An idea came to her. Wait. The big guy looks strong enough. Maybe he can break down these fucking bars and get me out of here…

Yeah. Yeah, it’s unlikely, but it’s not like I have any better options at the moment…

The room inside the door was mostly barren, except for a large metal gate covered in locks on the back wall, which closed off a large, dark cell.

“I don’t think they’ve noticed us…” Celeste was peering through the viewing hole in the door, her normally annoyingly chipper voice a rare whisper. “Phew! That was close… Any more running and I would have melted in this robe!!” Rex gritted his teeth, struggling to fire back that he was wearing armor, and thus had far more of a right to complain about sweating.

“Thankfully they don’t seem to be coming in here…” Usagi muttered. “Perhaps they’re afraid of what lies inside, heh.”

“No other exits. Argh!!” Rex growled. “Now we’re trapped-”

“Hey! You three!” A low voice rang out over the din of guard footsteps, interrupting him, which seemed to be a theme lately. Rex turned around, but couldn’t see whoever it was.

“In the big cell. C’mere.”

Rex could barely see in the back of the cell, much less who was inside, given that it had no lights inside. Straining, he could catch a few glimpses- a flash of white hair, a glint of red. “Well, get to the point then. Who are you?”

What was obvious was the shape- whoever was in there was far bigger than a normal person.

“I’ll cut you a deal. Let me out of here, and I’ll get you out of this place.” The prisoner grunted.

“Oh, I’m sure she’s nice! If she’s locked up by the Empire, that must mean she’s on the side of good!!” Celeste chimed in.

“That logic… doesn’t… whatever.” Rex shook his head. This… seems too good to be true. Why would anyone willingly get into a brawl like this, when the chance to get recaptured is so high?

Rex turned to Usagi, who was busy checking the room for anything useful- or valuable. “...Usagi, would you happen to know who this is? You’ve been in here for a while…”

He shrugged. “Apologies, Highness, I haven’t been anywhere near this area in a while. This one’s a total mystery to me- though, if she was tossed in the maximum security cell, she must be a spicy customer indeed, heh heh.”

“That’s one way of putting it.” The prisoner grunted. “But you’re trapped, and unless you can teleport or something, I’m your only chance.”

Rex narrowed his eyes. There’s no way that this person just wants freedom. There must be a reward on the line, or something… “What do you want? Money? Power? There must be something.”

“Ha! Nah, not really. Though I wouldn’t turn any of that down if you were so inclined. I just can’t break out of these fucking bars. You wouldn’t happen to have the keys, would ya?”

Rex groaned. “No… unfortunately… but the rabbit might be able to pick the locks…”

Usagi peered at the almost comical number of locks on the door. “Hm. That’s a lot of them. I probably COULD take care of this, but it would take too long, and we’d definitely be caught before then…”

“Guys, I think they’re coming- OW!!” Celeste’s shrill voice cut off the commiserating, making Rex jump.

“I can’t look away from you for FIVE MINUTES-” As he turned around, Rex’s words caught in his throat, and whatever threat he was going to spew was left unsaid- for the view of the wide open door and the troop of guards outside replaced his anger with nerves.

Celeste, meanwhile, was totally unaware of this, having been smacked in the face by the opening door. “Ow- ow, ow! Asteron, why didn’t you warn me??”

A pudgy elf with a large mustache- both rare traits for elvish folk- stepped forward, a long, extravagant cape trailing behind him. “So you’re the miscreants who thought you’d escape! A bold scheme, I’ll grant you that! Now, you’ve got two choices. Either give up and go back to your cell quietly, or be cut down by the great Captain Padrag and his guards. What’ll it be?” He grinned.

Rex looked frantically around for anything that he could use. Celeste was currently trying to stop a nosebleed from the door, and Usagi was busy waiting for anyone else to make the first move. Argh! This day wasn’t supposed to escalate this quickly. As loathe as I am to admit it, I can’t fight my way through all of those soldiers… So then…

“Offer’s still good, you know.” said the prisoner. “And it doesn’t seem like you have any better ideas…”

Rex groaned. We’re out of options, and I don’t have the luxury of picking my bedfellows right now!!

“Fine! Get back, it’s going to get hot in there!!” Rex inhaled, before belching a mighty burst of flame at the metal bars- not hot enough to melt them straight away… but certainly hot enough to weaken them! The prisoner didn’t even flinch in the face of his burning breath.

“Oh, I get it. All right… GANGWAY!!” The prisoner yelled.

Before Rex could process it, a huge shape rushed forward and slammed against the bars, sending the pieces scattering everywhere with a thunderous clang!!

As the dust cleared, a large shape loomed in the blackness of the dingy cell.

“Fucking FINALLY, I get to get out of that awful cell!!”

The prisoner strode out, having to duck under the low door- and suddenly, Rex understood why she wasn’t in a normal cell.

Her lower half was that of an enormous hairy spider, each leg ending in a sharp claw, making loud clacks as she made her way into the hall. Where the spider’s face would be, there were vaguely-leg shaped mandibles. Above that was a large woman’s torso, muscular and covered in scars. A wild mane of unkempt white hair framed her face- which had four pure red eyes.

Rex could scarcely believe his eyes. The mystery woman towered over everyone in the room easily. And Rex was not used to being towered over. Stretching her arms and many legs, she shook off the dust from herself. “Finally, I get to stretch a little bit, that place was WAY too small for-”

“The-THE MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISONER HAS ESCAPED! ARANDIA’S OUT OF HER CELL!!” The warden spoke up, his voice wavering for a moment. She turned around, glaring at him like he was a yappy little dog that tried to bite a tiger.

“I’ll help you people in one minute…” She cracked her knuckles. “But first, I gotta teach this ASSHOLE a lesson.” She turned around, her crimson eyes filled with rage.

Arandia quickly looked around, taking stock of her new situation. Okay, let me think…

There’s a fair amount of guards outside here, but they’re all terrified of me- the warden’s the only one who’s making them so bold.

Take care of HIM, and all the others should run away with their tails between their legs. Cut off the head, and the body goes limp…

Arandia grinned. Finally, I get some FUCKING PAYBACK!

“Eep!! Get back in your cell, and we won’t have to-” Before the warden could finish, Arandia had rushed across the hall with startling speed and grabbed him by his cape, hoisting him up like a ragdoll!

Rex was dumbfounded. How can someone that large move so fast?!

“Won’t have to WHAT?” She laughed. “The only reason you FUCKS were so smug is because I couldn’t break that goddamn gate down.” She raised her fist, a grin of satisfaction spreading across her face, her pointed teeth bared. “Now you’re gonna get as good as you gave, asshole!!”

The warden panicked, covering his face. “Wait! I’ll give you anything!! Please, let me go!! I didn’t mean any of that, I swear-” his begging was cut off by her fist barreling straight into his stomach.

“Go! Fuck! Your! Self! You! Prissy! Piece! Of SHIT!!” She delivered an additional punch after every word, and after the last one, she tossed the now unconscious warden to the ground, with a final spiteful spit for good measure. Brushing her hair out of her face, she breathed a sigh of satisfaction, before glaring at the rest of the soldiers, her pointed teeth flashing in the light.

“What’re you looking at? If you want a piece of me, you’d better hurry up, before I rip off a piece of YOU.”

After a long pause, the soldiers got the hint, and ran away screaming, while the spider woman grinned. “Yeah, you’d BETTER run. Assholes!!”

Rex was gobsmacked by the spectacle that had just occurred before him, unable to tear his gaze away from her.

…Finally, an actually competent fighter… She had him knocked out in less than a minute, with no weapons or armor! My luck’s beginning to turn!!

“...fuuuuck me, that felt so good.” She turned to the others. “Let’s get outta this place before more come back.”

She could probably break me in half- well, if I didn’t have my weapons, anyway-

Catching Rex’s gaze, she narrowed her eyes. “What, never seen a drider before?”

“No! I mean…your… uh… your strength is impressive… ” Rex stammered.

“Whatever.” Arandia grunted, before focusing her attention to the now-bloodied warden, leaving Rex cursing his tied tongue. “Ooh, that looks good… I’m just gonna take… this!” She bent down and lifted the warden’s scimitar off his unconscious body. Glancing it over for a moment, she grinned. “Oh, yeah, that’s a nice sword. Curved scimitar, gold handle… better in MY hands than yours. Ha!”

“Oh my, what a lucky coincidence.” Usagi spoke up. “Arandia Reclusa, the renowned mercenary… wanted in many countries for thievery, property damage, drunken disorderliness-”

Slamming one of her thick legs just a hair’s breadth away from Usagi to cut him off, Arandia growled “Hey, rabbit. Better shut your ass up if you want to keep your feet.”

“...point taken, ma’am.” The normally unflappable Usagi actually looked intimidated for once, which Rex took note of. Celeste, having staggered to her feet and plugged up her nose with a scrap of the warden’s cape, looked back and forth between Rex and Arandia, before whispering in his ear.

“Oh, wow, do you like her?? You’ve only just met, how SCANDALOUS!!” Celeste gasped.

“THAT’S NOT WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE-” Rex yelled back, before getting cut off by Arandia’s verbal blue streak. She had gotten her large abdomen stuck in the doors to the cell, struggling to get out.

“Argh, this FUCKING door! I hate these!! They’re! All! TOO! GODDAMN! SMALL!!!” After a desperate straining grunt. She groaned. “Someone back there, give me a push, will ya?!”

Rex sighed, and gathered his strength for this. Usagi, meanwhile, was trying desperately to contain his laughter.

Chapter Text

We have some sad news to report- one of our largest printing houses has been busted by the Empire. Due to this, the next issue will be delayed until we find a new place to set up.

All authors who had their work printed in that issue, your checks will come next month instead. Hopefully you have a rainy day fund.

Remember, folks- the best way to rebel against tyranny is with subversive media! They wouldn’t want to stamp us out if they weren’t scared of what we could do to their propaganda machine! Let your freak flag fly!!

-The Sassy Satyr

Stephen was frustrated. Writer’s block was one of the worst afflictions for someone in his profession, and it’d been hitting him particularly hard lately.

He was currently a stack of pages into his latest potential masterpiece, about a powerful she-devil who takes a bargain to be the lover of a lonely man. It had everything! Drama! Power dynamics! Paranormal!

And he was stuck.

He’d been trying to finish this chapter for the last three days, and he could not get the ideas out of his head. Something about the love confession running too quickly into making sweet love, it was driving him up the wall.

Before he could finish his thought, a knock at the door made him lose his train of thought again. Gods- I’m busy!! Genius needs time to be harnessed, art does not burst forth like a waterfall from a mountainside!!

“For gods’ sake, what is it?!” Stephen groaned. He went to the door, looking out through the small peephole. A normal-looking elf was there in a bellhop’s uniform. Strange considering the rest of the inn was staffed by humans, but perhaps he’d missed him.

“We need to inspect the room, we’ve heard that a mouse ran in here yesterday.”

Stephen narrowed his eyes. “What? I was HERE all day yesterday writing, and I didn’t see any…”

“Well, perhaps you weren’t observant enough. Are you going to open the door, or should we come back later?”

I suppose I might as well deal with this now, so I can finally back to work… Stephen rolled his eyes, and opened the door. “Fine. Do what you must, but make it quick! I have a deadline to meet!!”

However, instead of doing anything that would be expected to help catch a mouse, like laying traps, or something, he just came in and shut the door behind him.

“I can’t believe that worked. Usually targets don’t make this so easy…” The bellhop said, snickering.

Of course. Of course some criminal’s after me now. I only hope I can talk my way out of this… “Are you here to rob me? I don’t have much money on hand to speak of… my latest payment hasn’t come in yet. Perhaps we could take a rain check, or-”

“Shut it.” In a puff of smoke, the elf transformed into a sinister figure, clad in a red robe with a hood.

The person in red did not look friendly. But perhaps they were looking for some party in another room. After all, he was no stranger to questionable clothing choices, given the pink suit he was currently clad in. He raised a knife, quickly changing the entire mood of the situation with one swift motion. Oh. Oh, he’s not just after money…

Stephen was not prepared for this. Usually when he got into trouble, he could get out of it just as easily. Being gifted with a silver tongue could do that.

Well, it was more like a tarnished silver tongue considering how often his big mouth got him INTO messes in the first place, but it still helped! Occasionally.

“W-whatever you got paid for this, I’m sure I can make a better offer! In a week or so, once my payment for the latest installment of Passions in the Dark comes in!!” Stephen stammered. He didn’t think that would work, but all he needed to do was distract the assassin long enough to think of a plan to escape.

“I highly doubt you can pay more than my mistress. You’re just a disaffected noble. She’s far above that.”

Unfortunately, he was standing in the way of the door… which left only one thing. Thinking quickly, Stephen did the only thing that he could think of.

And that was jumping out the window.

Thankfully, the guards in the immediate area had deserted following their captain’s miserable defeat, but more would definitely be coming.

“All right, I got you out of the prison… where do we go from here?” Arandia cut in. Rex slowly turned to look at her, his face a picture of almost total disbelief.

“You don’t have a plan to escape the city?!” Rex groaned. Argh. I should have known!! Nothing would EVER be this easy!!

Arandia bared her fangs in response, in what seemed to be a common thing for her. “Listen, jackass, I was in there for over a year, you expect me to remember anything outside? I don’t have planning skills. I get paid to beat people up. YOU come up with something.”

“You’re the one who was trumpeting their own horn about how she’d be a great help!! Where was all that confidence from earlier?!”

“I don’t see YOU coming up with a better plan, shorty!”

Rex’s eye twitched. “Short-?! I am six feet in height!! The physique befitting royalty!!”

Arandia condescendingly leaned down to his eye level to tap his head. “Royalty, huh? Guess whatever bloodline’s gone downhill if a blowhard like you is descended from them.”

Rex growled, feeling fire build in his throat. He was not going to sit here and take it! “Listen here, you!! I am of a far higher station than-”

“GUYS!” Celeste’s shrill voice cut off the argument before it could come to blows, thankfully. “Usagi has an idea… that he’s been trying to tell you for the last minute.”

Usagi cleared his throat. “Ahem. Thank you. I would tell you both to get a room, but we can save that for later. Besides, it’d be difficult to find one that could fit both of you…” Arandia looked about ready to punch him for that, but Rex quickly stopped her with a glare. "There’s a port nearby- if we can grab a ship, we can make our escape on the open seas.”

“Wait, but I don’t know how to sail a boat…” Celeste chimed in.

“The only times I’ve been on a boat is in the brig…” Arandia muttered, somewhat ruefully.

Usagi chuckled. “Never fear, this hare is hiding many talents. I’ve been on boats before, I’m sure I know enough to get us out at least.”

Rex groaned. That is not the least bit reassuring. But we have no other choices… AGAIN. “Fine. Anywhere’s better than here-”

He was cut off by the sound of glass shattering above his head, and shortly after, a loud thud followed by an expletive. I really need to keep my mouth shut…

“FUCK! ASSHOLE!!" Arandia had broken up the conversation, rather abruptly. Someone had fallen out of the sky, directly onto her huge abdomen!

Well, at least she broke his fall, but attracting her ire might actually be worse for him…

“Oh, excuse me!! My apologies, miss, I’m in a hurry- OOF!” He was cut off by Arandia shoving him off of her back, then pointing her newly acquired sword at his neck.

“Ohhh, no, you’re not getting away that easily. What the fuck was that, why are you jumping out of buildings?! Onto me?! Who the hell are you anyway?!”

Rex took in the strange man. He was wearing a bright pink suit, with equally pink hair- both of which were significantly rumpled, as if he’d taken a fall down a flight of stairs. The suit in particular looked like it’d been torn up- definitely from the window. His face had slender pointed nose, cheekbones you could cut someone on, and slender-rimmed glasses. He also seemed totally unconcerned by a sword being inches away from his head.

“Oh, right… where are my manners?! I’m in the presence of a beautiful lady!!”

Rex’s eye twitched. What in god’s name is he talking about?! He just fell out of a window and he’s already trying this?!

“Ahem. Stephen Myer, of House Myer, at your service. Famous author of fine romance novels, perhaps you’ve heard of them?”

Myer… no, it can’t be THAT Myer- oh, NO. Rex groaned, as the realization hit him. The ONE person of noble birth I meet in this and it’s HIM. He had read only one of his… ‘works’, the first volume of ‘Scales of Passion’, about the illegitimate romance of his several greats-grandmother and a nearby black dragon, before proposing a ban on his oeuvre from Dragonia. It didn’t go through. But it should have, he thought. Such drivel was physically painful to read.

Not ONLY because attempting to read about his ancestors engaging in intimate acts disgusted him on a visceral level, but also because Stephen tried to paint it as an intensely salacious and degenerate affair, rather than a simple political alliance that happened to turn into something more later. Horrifically inaccurate! If either of them were still alive today, they would have been appalled!!

Arandia’s normally caustic demeanor was somehow silenced by his blatant pass- meanwhile, Celeste’s pale skin was turning a lovely shade of beet red.

“The presence of a lady? You- listen here, you-” Rex had to stop her from hauling off and knocking Stephen out with her staff.

“Gods damn it, we JUST got out of prison! Do you want to go back?!”

Usagi, however, was trying- and failing- not to laugh. “Well, that’s something I wasn’t expecting out of you, aren’t clerics typically celibate-”

“YES, BUT IT’S NOT ABOUT THAT! IT’S ABOUT BEING IGNORED!!” Celeste shot back.

Stephen, meanwhile, was too busy being smitten to hear any of that. “I’m going to need some directions, because I’m getting lost in all your eyes-”

“Yeah, no, I’m not listening to any more of this.” Arandia glared at him. “Not interested, so get out before you piss me off any more than you already have.”

The noble suddenly looked much more serious. “W-wait! Listen! You look like mercenaries of some skill! I have a job for you!!”

Oh for- this man has already taken enough of our time!! We need to LEAVE!!

“You three. Let’s GO.” Rex barked. Starting to walk away, ignoring the pink fop- unfortunately, he didn’t take the hint- running in front of him to block his way.

Stephen was stammering frantically, completely ignorant of the obvious irritation of half the party. “Listen, there’s a bunch of people in red robes following me. I don’t know who he was, but he didn’t look reasonable!! And he didn’t even respond to my attempt at a bribe!! This is nothing like the plays I’ve seen!!”

Rex rolled his eyes. Oh, no. He’s a SHELTERED noble- the worst kind, the ones who don’t have any real world experience… “What sort of assassins?”

“Oh boy…” Arandia pinched the bridge of her nose. “Buddy, I have some BAD news for you… that’s the Red Assassins, man. They don’t stop until they’re dead or their target is, and bring back their heads as proof.”

Stephen gasped. “What?! That’s… that’s against the law!!”

It was currently taking all of Rex’s resolve to not tell this man what a massive idiot he was directly to his face, and that resolve was faltering by the second. Unfortunately, Stephen’s was not. “Wait! I have a brilliant idea. Please, take me with you!!”

Arandia groaned, her thinly veiled rage readily apparent. “This is a bad idea. The cleric’s ALREADY a safety hazard, don’t add another one to the mix-”

“Please, I’ll give you anything!! I have money!! Plenty of it!!”

Rex was trying to steer the conversation away from this man, and back towards the topic of escape. “Listen, we don’t need your money, we’re kind of in a hurry-”

“Money, you say?” Usagi cut in. “How much are we talking? Our services are… expensive, you see…”

Arandia grinned maliciously. “For once we agree on something, rabbit. How much you got, pinko?

“More than you can imagine! If you’re worried about me defending myself, I have magic!!”

…if he can actually defend himself, then… there’s probably an ulterior motive for this, but a hostage WOULD get the soldiers to back off… argh! Fine! I’m going to regret this later, I know it…

“Fine. If anyone asks, you’re our hostage. But if you drag us down, we will be leaving you. Right! Here!!” Rex growled.

“Ooh, a hostage! I should use that… posing as a hostage to someone else to deter pursuers…” Stephen pulled out a notepad and began scribbling- not noticing a bunch of mysterious figures running into the alleyway!!

By the time Rex could process what had happened, several people in red robes had already filed out from both ends of the alleyway, before the party could leave!

Rex glared at him. “You said there was only one!!”

“There was! Oh, drat, they must have had backup…”

“Damn, those guys are fast…” Arandia grunted. “I could probably bowl through them, but then you all would be left behind…”

Usagi grinned. “Glad you care so much about us-”

“And I wouldn’t get paid.” Arandia retorted.

“Man, those robes are tacky…” Celeste muttered. “Red? Really? You guys look terrible!!” Unfortunately, her attempt at a cutting remark did nothing to dissuade their advance.

Rex thought frantically. These seem like deadly folk, direct confrontation is probably not the best idea. But… wait, they need proof of the deed… I have an idea!

He grabbed Stephen by the collar and pulled him close, putting him in a headlock.

Rex whispered. “Act scared. Now. Or I will leave you here, and you will die in this alleyway!”

Getting the message, Stephen nodded frantically.

“Stand back, we have a hostage!!” Raising his voice, Rex was trying his best to sound menacing, but the absurd circumstances undercut his charisma somewhat. “Take one step closer and I’ll burn him to cinders!! And you’ll never get your proof that way!!”

“Oh, my!! Please, don’t approach, lest this miscreant scorch my beautiful features with his horrid breath!!” Stephen was trying his best to sell the act. Unfortunately, he clearly had never learned the important lesson of subtlety.

…can you BE any more dramatic?! Rex thought. No matter, I need to push the act farther! “This man’s a high-profile target, yes? I don’t think you want to blow such a bounty so easily!”

A long pause ensued, before one of the robed figures drew a knife, and began advancing.

Blast. I suppose that wasn’t terribly convincing. Fine. I can just burn HIM instead-

“OH NO, WHAT’S THAT OVER THERE?!” Stephen suddenly announced.

A huge, imposing suit of armor had rounded the corner, advancing on the alley, clanking menacingly!

“Oh, we’re all done for!! The Iron Watch has come to take us all hostage!! OH, THE HUMANITY!!” Stephen wailed.

Oh, for- as if today can’t get any worse!!

The assassins seemed to be fearful of the armored titan, despite outnumbering him ten to one. It wasn’t long before they bolted past the party, disappearing around a corner.

As soon as the assassins were out of earshot, however, Stephen’s face changed from a mask of terror to one of immense smugness instead.

“Ohoho, the looks on their faces!! That was magnificent!! And your reaction, sir, helped immensely. You sold the act brilliantly!!”

Rex was utterly dumbfounded. “...act?! ACT?! What- but- the Empire-”

“I told you I knew magic, didn’t I? I can’t fight very well, but I’m very skilled at illusions…” He snapped his fingers, and the towering armor disappeared in a puff of smoke.

“A clever trick indeed. Now, we mustn’t dawdle.” Usagi peered around the corner. “The coast appears to be clear, so we should hop to it!” He dashed off, with Celeste and Arandia close behind.

Stephen turned to Rex, bowing dramatically. “So. Still convinced I’ll be a hindrance?”

“FINE. You can go. Let’s… just go and find a boat already…” Rex grunted. No matter how annoying he is, at least he can be USEFUL, so I can swallow my disgust… probably. But if I end up in any of his books I am going to wring his neck!!

Chapter Text

NOTICE

Remember: if someone seems suspicious, they probably are, so do something about it before it becomes everyone else’s problem!

If you want to know what qualifies as ‘suspicious’- use some common sense. If they look like they’re sneaking around anywhere… if they’re carrying too much weaponry and aren’t a soldier… if they’re trying to steal a vehicle… do your part as a citizen and try to apprehend them!

If you can’t do that, please report to the nearest Empire soldier and we’ll take care of it. Prompt enough reports may be rewarded.

-Gaian Empire Transit Authority

Spacey was not having a good day.

All she wanted to do was simply get on an outgoing boat, so she could simply leave Centrum and continue her mission elsewhere. Unfortunately, most of the boats in the harbor were chartered by somebody else, full, or else inaccessible.

“At this rate, I might have to take a cabin girl position just to get out of this place…”

Such things were definitely beneath her. She was the youngest heir of a great house of dragons! Not by blood- she was a construct that had fallen from the sky and adopted into the family- but it was close enough! A genuine, bona fide princess!! And she couldn’t even get a ticket. 

Much to her annoyance, trying to appeal to fear of a draconic family to get what you want was not particularly wise when said line is technically wanted by the Empire for treason. A fact which Spacey knew, and hated, every single time she got into a tiff with somebody.

She’d tried getting onto all the boats in the harbor already, except one. A dwarf in a pirate’s outfit was standing around, waiting for somebody.

Nobody else seemed to be on his ship, so perhaps he was running a passenger vessel? Spacey didn’t know. Or care. All SHE needed was some transport to ANYWHERE BUT HERE. “Excuse me! Sir!”

“What, lass?”

“Ahem. I’m looking to charter a boat for transport to the southern continent, and it doesn’t look like you’re particularly busy…”

“Yer in luck, I’m headin’ that way anyway. Transportin’ any wares or anythin’?”

Spacey tapped her foot nervously. “Weellll…” Oh boy. This is the thing that’s caused me so much trouble before… “Just this suitcase of personal belongings.” She gestured to a large trunk on wheels that she was lugging behind her.

The dwarf raised his eyebrows. Oh, I should've expected this... It wasn’t exactly the least conspicuous thing she could have brought. “What’s in there?”

“Nothing YOU need to know about. Can I get on your boat or not?!”

“Sorry, lass, I need to know exactly what all passengers are bringin’ aboard. I can’t have ye bringin’ the Empire down on my head…”

Of course. Of COURSE he says the SAME thing that everyone else does. I KNEW I should have saved up for a bag of holding, I’d be able to get into places a heck of a lot easier!! “Listen, is there any, uh, price I can give you to get you to not-”

“Ha! Ashbeard has more honor than that. I’ve got my own livelihood to think about!”

Argh, if only he knew who I was technically related to, then he’d probably be a little bit less stubborn!!

As Rex and his growing entourage snuck out onto Centrum Harbor in search of a boat to steal, two voices rang out over the general din of the dock- one far louder and more feminine.

“I’ve got money to pay for the ticket!! Are you gonna turn away a paying customer?!”

“Lass, there’s rules I have to follow…”

“That’s ridiculous, I’ve seen other nobles get onto ships carrying much worse without even a slap on the wrist!”

Outside the boat, the ranting was coming from a strange mechanical construct. What was immediately obvious was her bright pink coloration, which looked like no metal Rex had seen before. On her hips was a metal skirt of sorts, but she didn’t seem to be wearing any other clothing- not that there were any features that mattered to cover up in the first place. Her arms didn’t seem to have proper joints, instead being segmented like a worm before ending in metal gauntlets. Her head looked like a strange box with the front side being made up of a sort of crystal, upon which a simple face was displayed. Curiously, it seemed to move in accordance to what she was actually saying… It looked like nothing Rex had ever seen before… He’d seen artificial life forms before, of course, but this was something entirely out of his wheelhouse.

And next to her was, presumably, the ship’s captain- a dwarf in a pirate outfit, who looked like he wanted to be anywhere else. Trying in vain to reason with the angry construct, he continued standing there, trying to not be a doormat. “Lass, I don’t get paid enough to look the other way when I have everything to lose…”

“You don’t even KNOW if there’s anything in here!”

“Yer’ not helpin’ yer case with how yer’ actin.”

“FINE.” Spacey groaned. She didn’t want to have to expose her most private of things to this guy, but if she wasn’t going to get anywhere… Clumsily opening the trunk, she hoped nobody else was looking at the contents. Thankfully there wasn’t anyone else around…

It was almost evenly split between two categories. The first random mechanical junk and parts, for her hobby of building stuff.

The other, which was significantly more embarrassing, was the steadily growing collection of romance novels… by one ‘Stephen Myer’.

Almost all of which involved dragons, constructs, or some combination involving them.

It was fortunate that Spacey didn’t possess the ability to blush, because otherwise she’d have turned as red as a beet. “You know these are banned, right, lass-”

She groaned in annoyance. “Yes, yes, ‘crimes against decency, blah blah BLAH.” Spacey had heard this spiel almost every time someone spotted them on her person. “But they’re not ILLEGAL to HAVE, merely strongly discouraged. Now can I get on the boat or what?!”

“I can’t let those on my boat, lest the Empire come and arrest me for possession of indecent literature-”

“WHAT?! Since when?! I thought it was illegal to PRINT them, not possess them?!”

“Clearly you haven’t been up to speed on the latest laws passed… If you want to get on, yer gonna have to pitch those."

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It took AGES to get these, and he was suggesting she just throw them away?!

“How much hot air does she HAVE?” Celeste said. “Surely she’d run out of things to say eventually…”

Rex had to desperately resist the urge to burst into laughter at that statement. Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, the last thing we need right now is more petty arguments…

“I would suppose it’s because she doesn’t have to breathe.” Stephen mused. “That must be a convenient ability to have… I might have to use that for a later installment.”

“Hm.” Usagi rubbed his chin, thinking intensely. “This might actually be beneficial- that construct’s got the captain distracted, so we just have to get on and shove off before they notice.”

Rex looked at him like he was going mad. “They’re right there!! How do you expect to get on without attracting attention?!”

“All right then, your highness, do you have a better plan?” Usagi looked at him expectantly.

After a long pause, Rex sighed. “Unfortunately, not anything that would be sensible. Let’s… just get this boat…”

“It’ll be simple. Just act natural, you can get quite far by just pretending like you belong there…” Usagi began walking over to the boat, not even attempting to hide himself. Somehow, neither of the arguing pair paid any notice of him.

Stephen shrugged. “Well. If it’s that easy…” Beckoning Celeste to the boat, he took a dramatic bow. “Ladies first!”

“Well, THANK you. Nice to get some respect fitting my position- AUGH!” Her bragging was cut off by tripping over her robe and slamming her face into the ground.

Stephen winced. “Oh dear. Are you all right?”

Celeste leapt to her feet, only slightly bleeding from her nose. “The high priestess of Asteron does not let one fall get in her-”

Rex was quick to cut her off, mustering the loudest voice that could still technically qualify as a whisper. “Don’t say that out loud!! Someone will hear you!! Just get on the gods-damned boat already!!”

“Fiiiine.” Celeste shuffled onto the boat, with Stephen following close behind. Looking around, Rex was shocked that nobody was noticing their trespass- they weren’t exactly inconspicuous… and the would-be passenger was still yelling the captain’s ear off.

“Do you KNOW who I AM?! I am Spacey, daughter of Tania the Silver and Tamaranch the Gold!!”

“Miss, I don’t know who either of those people are…”

Please, please don’t hear my armor, please… Rex carefully and smoothly walked onto the boat, trying to seem as unimportant as possible, which offended his sensibilities significantly. Thankfully, the arguing people still didn’t seem to take any notice of him whatsoever.

“This is RIDICULOUS. How was I supposed to know that they weren’t allowed?! Where’s your manager?!”

“Lass, I am the manager-”

“Well then, I’ll tell YOU that this policy is BULL!”

Rex couldn’t decide whether to be grateful of the incredible distraction this construct was providing, or feel bad for the poor captain whose time she was monopolizing- either way, the clanking of his armor was drowned out by her loud berating. Turning back around, Arandia was taking a lot longer than the others, carefully creeping up the ramp to the boat. 

“What are you doing?! Hurry up, they’re going to see us!!” Rex whispered angrily. He looked back over at the arguing pair- they were still embroiled in the same argument from earlier- but they wouldn’t be forever!

“Listen, asshole, look how narrow this shit is, I’m trying my best!!” Arandia spat back. She was correct, the boat ramp wasn’t in the best shape, and given that her leg span was almost as wide as the ramp itself, it was clear that she was trying desperately not to fall off.

Rex's patience was draining away by the second. “We’re running on borrowed time! Hurry up!!”

“Give me a second- SHIT!!” she exclaimed, as one of her legs stepped on a weak board, going right through it with a loud CRUNCH!!

Which, unfortunately, attracted the attention of captain and passenger. Spacey turned, without missing a beat, continuing her ranting.

“Look at this! How come SHE gets to get on?! She’s probably just as guilty of SOMETHING, and you’re over here arguing about my literature?!”

“Fucking- come over here and say that, you piece of junk!!” Arandia growled, as she wrenched her leg free and scuttled the remainder of the way onto the boat.

“I WILL!!” Spacey started storming over to the boat, the captain following close behind.

“Hey what do ya think yer doing?! You need a ticket!!”

…of course something had to go wrong. Of COURSE. This has been the unluckiest day of my life…

The angry dwarf charged up the boat ramp, spewing an angry diatribe. “What the blue hell are you doin’?! Get off my boat, you pieces of- AAAAAAAAAGH!!”

Usagi had taken the opportunity to shove him off the ramp and into the water. Rex whirled around to see the rabbit dusting off his hands. Sensing Rex’s withering glare, Usagi just shrugged.

“What? He’ll be fine. He’s not wearing anything heavy. Unless he can’t swim, but that’s not our problem right now… Anyway, we need to leave, now. Do you know anything about boats?”

What- I- what kind of question is that?! “NO! My kingdom was landlocked!!”

“Well, you’re about to learn. Untie that rope, please.” Usagi pointed to the mooring rope at the back end of the boat, before turning to Stephen. “You. Help me hoist this sail.”
Turning to Celeste, he paused. “And you… keep a lookout.”

Unfortunately, the rope was in far too tight of a knot to be untied easily, and Rex’s patience was at an end. “Oh, blast it!!” In a fit of rage, Rex simply breathed fire at the end of the rope, causing it to ignite and catch fire! Before long, the rope had burned away, letting the ship drift away freely. “That’s quicker, anyway!!”

Meanwhile, Arandia was still embroiled in arguing with the construct known as Spacey, being completely and utterly unproductive in the process. “Take MY boat, why don’t you?! I was just about to pay good money for this ticket!!”

“You can take that ticket and shove it up your ass, rust bucket!!”

“I do NOT rust!! I am RUSTPROOF, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE THAT ANATOMY!!”

“Uh… guys?!” Celeste’s shrill voice rang out over the din of the boat. “We, should probably leave… now…”

Dreading what he would see, Rex shot a glance back to the harbor- and groaned at the sight of a platoon of Empire soldiers running along it… with Bard and his centaur compatriot leading the charge!!

“Oh for gods’ sake!!” Rex cursed. “Not HIM again!!”

“What is that HAIR? Something that long doesn’t fit his rugged complexion at all…” Stephen mused, having finished drawing up the sail. Rex had to desperately resist the urge to strangle the noble for his skewed priorities, and focused on how exactly they were going to get out of THIS jam… The boat wasn’t THAT fast…

“Oh, do you need to get out of here?? Gee! I wonder what happened…” A sarcastic, mechanically tinged voice beckoned from behind.

Oh, no. Rex was praying to whatever god was listening, that that voice didn’t belong to who he thought… Only to turn around and see the construct known as Spacey tapping her foot impatiently. “Well, I COULD help you… BUT you have to take me where I need to go. For free!!”

Rex sighed deeply, admitting defeat. “Fine!! Just get us out of this!!” Arandia looked like she wanted to explode at the prospect of working with her, but wisely chose not to say anything. Whether she was waiting to enact revenge later or had a moment of clarity, Rex couldn’t say, and did not care. “You can travel with us!!” I’ve certainly picked up enough misfits today!! One more can’t hurt, right?! Gods!!

“Great!! Now, about getting out of here… I’ve got something that’ll do just the trick!” She grabbed her comically large suitcase, and began digging through it, tossing out random items from her luggage, scattering them all over the deck. “No, not that… not that either… gah, where is it?!”

A large silver dragon doll nearly bowled Rex over when she tossed it in his direction. Rex groaned. “Why do you need a silver dragon doll the size of a person?! All it does is take up space!!”

Spacey’s screen grew as red as Rex’s natural complexion. “I don’t tell you how to live YOUR life, mister giant unwieldy battleaxe!! Give me a minute…”

“We don’t HAVE a minute to-”

“AH! Found it!” She pulled out a hefty mechanical device the size of a small barrel. It resembled a large metal ball. atop a metal tripod, with a large metal rod pointing outwards from the sphere. “PRESENTING… the Force Cannon Mk 0.5! Capable of blasting a hole through a solid wall, up to and including brick, steel, and granite! Runs on-”

“HOW DOES THIS HELP US NOW?!” Rex was about to blow a gasket.

“Sheesh, you’re impatient. Well, firing it will knock whatever it’s ON back a significant distance if it’s secured properly. Though, I haven’t tested it yet, urban settlements frown upon firing weapons of destructive power in the immediate vicinity. But now’s the perfect time!!” She pressed a large red button on the back of the device. “3! 2! 1!! GO!!!”

For a long moment, nothing happened. As the seconds passed, Rex’s patience withered. Drakoth, why have you forsaken me?

“Come on, you!! Work!!” Spacey gave a swift kick to the malfunctioning device. After which it immediately started humming and firing a huge beam at the nearby abandoned building, propelling the boat out of the dock at ludicrous speed!! It spun around and around, sending everything on board every which way!

Being tossed around like a ragdoll as the ship spun wildly, Rex could barely see straight, much less stand! Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Usagi go tumbling overboard, barely managing to catch himself by grabbing Stephen’s collar as he passed. Celeste, meanwhile, was busy clinging to the mast, praying for dear life.

“ACK! I can’t- I can’t breathe!!” Stephen gasped.

“Well, good thing you were there, or I wouldn’t have been breathing for much longer myself…” Usagi rushed over to the mast, grabbing on tightly.

Celeste, meanwhile, was busy clinging to the mast, praying for dear life. “Asteron, please, let me survive! I didn’t mean that part about offering myself to another religion!! I only said that when you told me not to buy a lifetime supply of candy!!!!”

Arandia was seemingly the only one not having to worry about being tossed around so violently- perhaps her larger body had something to do with that. “If we survive this, you hunk of junk, I’m going to punch that fucking flat face out!!”

Spacey was already on the floor. “Sorry about that, uh, it hadn’t been tested yet… That’s why it’s only Version 0.5…”

“WHAT?! IT- YOU- I’M-” Before he could chew out Spacey, a nearby barrel slammed into Rex, cutting off his rage and knocking him flat on his back! As chaos and angry voices unfolded around him, all he could think was…

There’d better be some alcohol on this vessel, for I am going to desperately need a drink after this…

Chapter Text

Rules of Zarnath Worship, Precept 4

99- There are no rules.

45-If you find a rule or law stupid, try your best to disrupt it.

A- Killing people is less fun than leaving them alive so you can bother them again later.

56- If you’re causing mayhem out of anger or hate, you’re doing it wrong. It should be funny.

34- Make sure to stick up for demons. Not all of them are THAT bad, and they can be great allies to the cause of making life a little more interesting.

Octavia was asleep. Until five minutes ago, when a huge explosion woke her up.

She was all curled up in her nice little barrel, all stowed away on this ship, ready to emerge at the next port and cause more of her favorite thing- havoc. But that barrel had been thrown every which way, and she was not happy.

Man. Dad, why’d you send me here? You said there’d be great opportunities for chaos, but I’ve been sitting in a barrel for the last three days! I’m BOOOOOORED.

The barrel was a tight fit. No matter how much she shifted in an attempt to get a better position, she couldn’t stand it. She wanted to get out, stretch her tentacles, eat whatever trash the sailors left…

Thankfully, the voices seemed to have calmed down, and she could feel her eyes drooping.

I suppose I could try to sleep a little longer… I’m TIRED.

After the boat had finally come to a standstill, Rex staggered to his feet. That device was far more powerful than its size would suggest, and had propelled the boat far out to sea. However, it was in a state of complete disarray. Barrels on the deck were scattered everywhere, the railings were a hairs breadth away from breaking, and everything was soaked.

We’re lucky to still be above water, after that beating…

Predictably, his erstwhile compatriots were in the midst of chaos.

Stephen was busy vomiting off the edge of the boat. “Agh… my fragile constitution can’t take this… and now my suit is ruined… BLECH!!” He collapsed to the deck, seemingly fainted from the strain.

Celeste was busy praying in the corner. Rex couldn’t quite make out what she was saying, but caught brief bits about needing aid… and fixing her hair. She… can deal with her own delusions, for right now…

Arandia and Spacey were busy trying to desperately ignore the other, their burgeoning grudge seemingly cooled for the moment. Rex hoped nothing ELSE would set them off.

Usagi, meanwhile, was totally unconcerned about any of this, leaning against the ship’s helm. Rex approached, dreading what the rabbit would say next. “Well, your highness, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we escaped our pursuers…”

Rex facepalmed. “That much is obvious, yes… what’s the bad news?” He tensed up, waiting for yet another problem in this day full of them.

“Well, this boat has no cannons, so if any Empire enforcers show up, we’re going to be in deep trouble.”

Rex sighed. “Fine. At least we’re safe for now… Now, to business… how do we get back to land?”

Usagi shifted on his feet, looking a little bit worried. “Um, about that… I don’t know where we are. At all.”

A long silence ensued. Before Rex could break it himself in an explosion of anger, Arandia did the job for him, groaning loudly. “Oh for fuck’s sake. Now we’re stranded, and have no idea where we are… because of this metal BITCH-”

Spacey whirled towards the drider, clearly incensed. “Hey!! I had no idea it would do that!! That was the first time I’ve used it!!”

“So you literally used an untested magic device, on the boat that WE WERE ON, and didn’t see a problem with that?!" Arandia stomped towards her, her hands balled into fists.

“Did YOU have a better plan?!” Spacey grabbed what little of a shirt Arandia was wearing and yanked her down to her own eye level.

“I’m sure I could’ve come up with one that didn’t involve getting thrown all over the place and LOST!!” Arandia spat.

Usagi shrugged. “Oh dear, it appears we already have some infighting. Might want to step in, your highness, before it boils over…”

Rex was just about to blow a gasket or three. Putting on his best ‘I am royalty and very important’ voice, he bellowed. “SILENCE!!! We have enough to deal with without you both spewing your hot air everywhere! You’re worse than the cleric, which is quite an impressive feat!”

Thankfully, Celeste was too busy cowering to respond to that. Good. I don’t need a THIRD hysterical fool to deal with…

Argh! I’m trying to have a sweet nightmare over here!

Unfortunately, Octavia could not get the rest she was so desperately craving, not in the least because two women nearby were hurling insults at each other. And they didn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon…

Aaaaaaaaaaaagh! Come ON, some of us are trying to SLEEP around here! 

Octavia didn’t have the energy to get out and blow her cover YET, but if that racket kept up she would. And when she did, she’d be as creepy about it as possible. That tended to get good results.
Being thrown overboard didn’t matter, she could swim anyway. And breathe underwater.

Arandia appeared to be cowed by the imperious outburst, grumbling under her breath.

Spacey couldn't resist throwing a last-minute barb, though. “Insect butt.”

“OH, THAT’S IT!” Arandia hauled off and punched the construct in the flat surface that represented a face, but recoiled in pain after the act. Gripping her hand, she grunted in pain. Spacey, meanwhile, was entirely nonplussed by the assault.

“The heck did you think would happen? I’m made of pure Hihiro’kane, second strongest metal in the world. You could throw me in a volcano and I’d still last longer than you!”

Arandia gripped her hand. “I could still throw you overboard, you pile of-”

Before Rex could attempt to separate the seething women phsyically, a webbed hand burst out of a nearby barrel, immediately cutting off the conversation.

“UgggghhhHHH!! I’m trying to SLEEP. STOP. TALKING. SO. LOUDLY.”

Oh, not ANOTHER strange person… On the one hand, Rex was grateful for the assistance. On the other, he was terrified of what new insanity this person would bring. The mysterious stowaway crawled out of the barrel and onto the deck, grumbling angrily.

“All those explosions and throwing me all around, you’re RUINING my nightmares!!” Her lower half was that of an octopus, with eight long tentacles dragging her out of the compartment. The humanoid top half looked more normal, but not by much. She was clothed in a thick purple robe with a hood, that did absolutely nothing to hide her ample chest. Her eyes… did not look normal, being bright yellow with oddly shaped pupils. Tentacles waved wildly on her head in place of hair, and her skin was bright purple. And she did not look happy to be woken up. “I was having the BEST dream!! It was raining ink, tentacles were bursting out of the ground, and I was pigging out on dead animals!! And then YOU had to wake me up before it was getting to the best part!”

The octomaid stomped- well, more like ‘slaps her tentacles on the ground while slithering to give the effect of stomping’- over to the arguing women, and crossed her eyes to stare directly at both of them at once. “Who ARE you two anyway? And are you DONE? Because if you’re not, I’m gonna squeeze the heck out of you until you are!!”

Sensing that this could turn ugly, Rex rushed over to intervene. He didn’t need more infighting than there already was on this boat. “I… I think we’ve skipped several steps here… who are you, exactly??” Rex stammered, attempting to maintain what little of his dignity remained in the face of this… lunatic.

“Oh, me? I’m OCTAVIA Z’RATHI, DAUGHTER OF ZARNATH, CHILD OF CHAOS!!”

Rex could only blink in confusion. I think I feel my migraine coming on again… Zarnath is one of the GODS. How?! What?! Real demigods haven’t been sighted in decades- I- argh!

Nobody spoke for several seconds. Octavia pouted in frustration. “What? You’re the one who asked!”

Rex held his head, trying to stave off the stress-induced headache that had been bothering him for the last… several hours, really. “There is… SO much to unpack in that sentence… daughter? Of Zarnath?”

She nodded. “Yes.”

“As in, the GOD OF CHAOS?”

Nodding again, as if what she just said was completely normal. “Yep! Daddy sent me here because apparently some great mayhem would be happening, but all I’ve been hearing is stupid arguments.”

“Oh my, the mechanics of it must be mind-boggling- OUCH!” Stephen began a tangent, before Arandia’s fierce elbow shut him up.

Rex's mind was racing. We have an actual demigod on this boat!! I don’t care how insane she is, she’d be immensely useful, just think of the power she must have!! He cleared his throat. "Ahem. Would you… be willing to join our party? You see, we could use your… abilities… for my cause-”

“Uhhhhhh…” Rex could practically hear the gears turning in her head- and they were very rusty. “Are you one of those adventurers who’s gonna complain whenever I do anything? Like… burning down buildings, or breaking people in half, or eating-”
…this could be a mistake, but against my better judgement… “I don’t think I need to hear the rest of this- but I’m sure we can find outlets for your… um… desires…”

“Sold! I’m gonna go back to sleep now. I’ll wake up when I’m needed, or not.” Octavia didn’t stay to listen to anything else Rex said, immediately going below deck.

“Rex, are you sure you should be having HER around??” Celeste said. “She… doesn’t seem like she’s all there…”

Rex struggled to not chuckle at Celeste of all people saying that. “Her potential power can’t be ignored, she could be a very valuable asset!!”

“Yeah, but… eh, whatever. If she burns this boat to the ground that’s your problem I guess- wait, is that a ship?”

Rex whirled around. “A what?!” Celeste was right- another ship was rapidly catching up to theirs, with a bird woman resembling a pheasant at its stern, screeching loudly. “STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINALS!!”

“Oh, great. An Empire navy ship…” Arandia grumbled. “Great. Just what we needed, an opportunity to get arrested AGAIN.”
“Oh, for gods’ sake!!” Rex grumbled. “Can’t we get a break?!”

Usagi, however, looked absolutely terrified. “Oh no. No, no, no, anyone but her!!”

“USAGI, I KNOW YOU’RE ON THAT BOAT!! GIVE YOURSELF UP OR I CAN’T MAKE ANY PROMISES!!”

Arandia glared at Usagi, who was shaking. “All right, rabbit, what the fuck did you do?”

The normally unflappable rabbit had his head in his hands. “It’s my ex, Officer Taka! She’s been chasing me across the world for over a year!!”

“Oh my! What twists of fate led to your divorce?!” Stephen exclaimed, pulling out a notepad- presumably for research. As always, his priorities were… skewed.

“First, we were never married. Second, I stole an important object… that she was supposed to be guarding… by…” He sighed. “Getting in her good graces, so to speak.”

Stephen blushed. “Oh my, how scandalous!!” He immediately started scribbling. “Oh, this will be a great idea to use for later…”

MORE annoying voices?! Uuuuugh. Can’t these people respect the value of a good nap?!

Octavia groaned. If these other people were bent on interrupting her rest, she was going to show them that making a spawn of Zarnath angry was a terrible mistake. One that usually tended to end in someone losing their sanity, a limb, or some other intangible concept.

She lurched out of the bed she’d flopped onto earlier, and staggered towards the deck. Whoever was making that racket would soon have much bigger things to worry about!

“GIVE YOURSELVES UP, OR WE OPEN FIRE!”

Quickly turning his attention away from the petty arguing of the other men on the boat, Rex took stock of the situation- unfortunately, there were no cannons on this boat… or any method of offense. At all. He quickly ran over to Spacey, who was still hammering away at the cannon she used earlier. “Spacey!! Can you use that thing to blow them away?!”

Spacey shrugged. “I can’t use it again, the last blast blew out the battery!”

“Of course. And this ship doesn’t have any weapons. Argh, how are we supposed to get out of this?!”

As if on cue, Octavia’s annoyed voice rang out from belowdeck, with an eldritch rumble more present with every word. “Oh, would you people SHUT UP?! I’M TRYING TO SLEEP IN HERE!!!” Octavia stormed above deck, grabbed a random barrel with her tentacles, and hurled it at the opposing ship! Unfortunately, this accomplished very little except riling up their pursuers.

“OPENING FIRE IT IS!! USAGI, IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE THIS, GET BELOWDECKS!!”

Stephen turned to Usagi, raising an eyebrow. “Hm. Clearly she still holds some affection-”

Usagi hid behind Stephen, desperately trying to not freak out. “No, she just can’t give me an earful if I’m dead!!”

Rex ran over to the annoyed octomaid, his desperation for any way out of this mess. Plainly evident. “Octavia, they’re going to sink our ship!! Can’t you do something?!”

“Eh? Me? You sure?”

The last of Rex’s patience bled away, as “YOU’RE A DEMIGOD!! DON’T YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF POWERS?!”

Octavia rolled her eyes, both of them in different directions. “Oh, of course I do. But are you SURE you’re not going to complain if I use them? Every time I do, people run screaming and wailing, like LOSERS-”

“JUST USE THEM! GET US OUT OF THIS BEFORE WE ALL DROWN!!” Rex screamed, his voice cracking unflatteringly.

“Okay. One sec…” After clearing her throat, she began to chant in eldritch tongues, as if her voice was that of an entire choir of profane worshippers! “Z̓̎͘R͑͝͝AͅT̯͇̺̗ͯ̆͞Ḧ́Ị͓͐ͅ F͖̦̈̈́̈́ͫH̯̒̚͠_Ţ̞ͣ̓̒̈͘AĜ̷̝̉̈́N_͆͡!̐̈́̽ A̵̒̾̾̈GͥO̙̪̓̌ͯSU̹̞ R̻̖̰̋͛͑͋Y'̶Lͪ̾ͤ̓́Ạ͙̗̀ͣ̃͜Ḧ͍̝͔̔͝!!!” She chanted. “DADDY, BREAK THIS SHIP SO WE MAY ESCAPE!!”

Five seconds passed, and nothing happened before Octavia spoke up again. “Oh, right, I forgot. PLEASE!”

Right on cue, a large purple magic circle appeared above the Navy ship, out of which came an enormous red tentacle- which instantly got to work slamming all over the deck and causing absolute mayhem. After which, another one appeared in front of the vessel the party was on, giving it a good shove to send it on its way.

“Oh, there we go!! Thank you, Daddy!!”

Rex could barely process what was happening anymore- clearly he was more sheltered than he thought… “What in the gods’ name was that?!”

“Oh, that’s the Astral Kraken! I can’t tell you his name, otherwise other people would be able to control him. He’s a big softie, aren’t you, cutie?!” In response, the tentacle patted Octavia on the head affectionately, before retreating back into the space hole, which immediately disappeared.

Nobody could say anything. This was just too weird for everyone, even for the likes of Celeste. Octavia was the only one who didn’t seem to care.

“Now… I can FINALLY get some sleep! And if ANY OF YOU WAKE ME UP, I WILL CALL HIM TO STRANGLE YOU, THEN EAT YOU, THEN STRANGLE YOU AGAIN!!” She stormed back to the ship’s lower decks in a huff, totally unconcerned with any of the events that just transpired. Rex was at a loss for words for a few moments, but a thought came to him…

How can anyone so strong be so… so… unhinged?! I don’t know whether I should offer her a job or kick her off the ship, she’s a looser cannon than the artillery on this boat!! …I think I need a nap myself, or at least some alcohol…

Chapter Text

All the deities that we currently know were made by the Creator’s hand, to assist him in giving further life to the world he had wrought from nothing.

The Creator has many titles- the Maker, the All-Father/Mother, etc. But nothing resembling an actual name. The only people who would know it are the false gods that currently govern the world in his absence, but they cannot be trusted either.

Some people have come up attempting to claim they know the Creator’s true name, but those people are liars. Hopefully. Such people are heretics and should be ignored.

-Gaian Codex

Finally, after the events of the day were about to close, things had finally settled to something resembling peace. Octavia was sleeping inside a barrel. Stephen was busy scribbling something in a notebook that Rex dearly hoped was not anything involving him or any of his immediate family. Arandia had found the liquor on the boat, and was taking full advantage- too exhausted to notice Usagi grab a bottle from the pile she was working through. Spacey was trying to fix her unstable cannon- and Rex secretly hoped she wouldn’t repair the damned thing, lest she cause all of their deaths.

Regardless, there was something important he needed to broach. Putting on his best “important speech” voice, he spoke up. “Ahem. Subjects!! Now that we’ve all had a moment to breathe… there’s something important we need to discuss-”

“EVERYONE!! ASTERON HAS DELIVERED AN IMPORTANT PROPHECY!!” Celeste’s shrill voice had gathered the attention of everyone else on the boat- and stolen Rex’s thunder.

He sighed loudly. “Excuse me, I was in the middle of attempting to broach a very important topic as well. Do you MIND?!”

“Oh, okay! You can do your thing first, it’s probably less important!” Celeste said, the cheer in her voice never fading. Rex couldn’t tell if she didn’t notice how high-strung he was at the moment, or didn’t care- and he had to struggle not to lose what little decorum still remained after the indignities of the day. Good rulers don’t silence their subjects… even when they’re getting on their LAST. NERVES.

“Thank you. Ahem!” Finally, all the attention was focused on him- for a given value of ‘focused’ for some of these people. There were no interruptions, and he could finally reveal the purpose for which he’d been attempting to gather allies in the first place! It was time to plead his case to his erstwhile compatriots, and hope that his natural charisma would win him the allies he needed. After clearing his throat, he began. “My name is Rex Malum Brimstone. I am the heir apparent to the throne of Dragonia, a once-great kingdom. I was meant to rule it- but the Gaian Empire took over on the day of my coronation, forcing me to flee and leaving it in the rule of their puppet! Ever since, I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to strike- the plan is simple. Obtain the Orbs of the Creator, and use the ultimate power they grant to oust those fools from their ill-gotten posts!!”

Celeste piped up. “Didn’t you just find out about them today? What was your plan before-”

Rex’s eye twitched at the sudden interruption. I have been practicing this speech for WEEKS, and of course someone has to interrupt!! “Of course I KNEW about them before, but having confirmation that they actually exist is something else entirely! Anyway… the dangers will be great- taking on the Gaian Empire directly is unheard of- better nations have failed, even with armies at their disposal. But! If every man shied away from a task because it was dangerous, then nothing would ever change! However, if we manage to accomplish this task, the rewards would be unimaginable. Ultimate power would be at our disposal! The Empire’s coffers would be open for looting! And most of all, justice would be done for all of their terrible atrocities!! And if we manage to kill the Seven, the bastards at the very top- we can make them SUFFER for their misdeeds!!”

He held out his hand, revealing the birthmark of Brimstone on his palm- a darkened patch of scales, resembling a burning flame. “IF ANY OF YOU WISH TO JOIN ME ON THIS QUEST, STEP FORWARD!! We shall swear an oath on this crest, the mark of the Brimstone bloodline, and cement our bond!!” Rex announced in his most dramatic tone.

For a whole minute, nobody said anything. Please work, please work… otherwise all the nonsense I’ve went through today will be for nothing!!

Celeste was the first to break the silence, talking to either herself or her unknown deity again. “Uh… are you sure you’re okay with swearing an oath to someone else?” She paused. “I mean, it’s not another god, sooooo… I guess it’s fine.” She turned back to Rex.  “All right, Asteron gave me this duty, and I will accomplish it!! Without him, I’d probably be a nobody in a ditch somewhere… and besides, saving the world in his name means tons of new converts to Asteron!”

That’s one… but she was a given. What about the others-

Stephen gasped “It’s just like one of my novels!! Grand adventure… intrigue… drama… potential love interests… I accept!! If nothing else, it’ll be a great source of inspiration…”

“If I show up anywhere in your tripe, you’re being ejected from the party…” Rex grumbled. Stephen either didn’t hear what he said, or didn’t care.

“Perhaps I’ll finally meet my soulmate! Someone who completes me… heals the aching hole in my-”

“ALL RIGHT, I GET IT!!” Rex groaned. If I have to hear any more of his overly dramatic whining, my brain is going to melt out of my ears!!

Arandia let out a loud belch and rolled her eyes. “Fffffuck it. As long as I get paid and fed, I couldn’t fucking care less what the job is. At least you seem more competent than my last boss… Fine. But you were talking about ‘unimaginable wealth’, right? You’d better live up to that.”

…not the biggest vote of confidence, but beggars can’t be choosers…

Usagi, meanwhile, was far more interested, a mischievous grin unfolding on his tiny, fluffy face. “So, you’re willing to take on the Empire? A dangerous proposition to be sure. But they’re sitting on untold riches that need… redistributing, shall I say. We can discuss my share of the winnings later… but for now, consider my interest piqued, your highness-”

Rex's eye twitched. “Stop calling me that!! The way you say it makes it lose all its luster!!”

Usagi shrugged. “Rex it is, then. Looking forward to my share of the profits! And besides, if this will lead to running all over the world, I’m sure I’ll find some… ahem, companionship at the end of that.” He turned to the spider woman, who was still chugging her latest bottle of alcohol. “Oh, Arandia, I bet you can’t rack up more from stealing things than I can. Let’s make it a wager, shall we? I get more, you have to donate half your winnings to me.”

Arandia grunted. “The hell- you’re on, you fucking rabbit! But if I win…” She grinned. “YOU gotta buy me food. For a month. And I can eat till the fucking cows come home!”

“Ho ho! I accept. May the best thief win!” With that, the duo of criminals returned to their libations. Rex made a mental note to get a drink himself later- he’d need it trying to manage all of these buffoons.

With these two, I’m probably going to need all that money to satisfy their greed… and gluttony… and everything else…

Octavia had woken up from her barrel, and was giggling like a maniac. “Hehehehehe!! I can mess with the Gaian Empire?! Those idiots are all about ORDER, and stuff… they’re LAME. If going on this thing means I get to burn them down, I’ll do whatever you say- can I break any of their bones?!”

“...if we manage to confront any of the Seven, you have my express permission to murder them in as brutal of a fashion as you see fit.”

“AHAHAHA!! I can’t WAIT!!” Octavia was positively giddy with excitement. Rex knew he’d have to rein her in later… but later was not now, and right now he was desperate for people to help his cause.

This. This is the one I’m going to regret.

“The Empire…” Spacey was the last one to speak up, in a far more serious tone than anything Rex had previously heard from her. “Weeeelll… I do have some things to settle with them… My mom went off to fight them years ago, and never came back. If I can find her… that’ll be reason enough.”

“Wait. Mother?” Rex was dumbfounded. Constructs can’t… reproduce, can they?

“Oh, I’m adopted. Tania? Tamaranch? Do either of those ring a bell to you?”

Wait… it can’t be THAT Tamaranch… “The gold dragon ruler of the Isle of Rejects? The one who’s said to incinerate anyone who approaches? THAT Tamaranch??”

“Okay, I don’t know where you heard that, but Dad’s not THAT bad. He only incinerates people who try to steal things. Or Empire people. Or… people who annoy him…”

Rex narrowed his eyes.“You’re not exactly inspiring confidence.”

Spacey’s cartoonish eyes rolled. “Please, it’s not like you’re ever going to meet him! Probably! Oh, wait, one question. I’m not gonna be expected to help RULE said kingdom after we win, right?”

Finally, someone sensible!!

“That would be up to you, alternate forms of rewards are perfectly acceptable within reason-”

“Because, my goal is to meet the right dragon to be captured by, and spend the rest of my life being doted on like any self-respecting princess!!”

Rex couldn’t even form the words to respond to that statement. What in gods’ name has she been reading?? “What… what are you TALKING ABOUT?”

“You’re from Dragonia! Your bloodline’s descended from dragons directly, right?! I gotta ask- do you know any eligible singles, or something?”

Rex responded indignantly, “NO!! Most of my relatives are dragonborn, not full dragons!! There’s a DIFFERENCE!!”

Spacey sounded completely undeterred. “...most, huh? Anything’s good!!”

“Well, there is my great-grandmother, but I don’t think-”

A cartoonish frown appeared on Spacey’s flat face. “I said BACHELORS, not bachelorettes. I don’t swing THAT way… darn. Not even, like, a distant cousin or something?”

Rex was struggling very hard not to lose his mind over what he was hearing. It wasn’t working. “I- I don’t- Stephen!!”

Stephen stepped in, a huge grin on his face. “Yes?”

“Please handle this conversation about seducing… dragons. I don’t have the words for this, and you probably do, given your… literary interests.”

Spacey gasped. “Wait. No, it can’t be. Stephen… romance novel writer… are you THE Stephen Myer??”

“Why, yes, the one and only.”

“OH MY GOSH!! I’VE BEEN READING YOUR STUFF FOR YEARS!!” Spacey threw open her bag and pulled out a very well-loved copy of Scales of Passion. “This book’s AMAZING!! Oh, the tragedy of being in an arranged marriage, but your heart wanders to someone else- let alone the boorish prince of a rival nation!!”

Stephen was beaming. “YES! THANK YOU!! Finally, someone gets it! The drama! The painful choice, to pursue your star crossed lover, or resign yourself to your fate!!”

“THAT’S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED!!” Rex raged. Unfortunately, both parties were too wrapped up in their newfound common ground and defiling of his ancestry to care about his indignation.

“You must know so much about matters of the heart! Can you give me some pointers?? I’ve been, uh, rather unsuccessful in that department… as of late… dragons aren’t typically easy to make a crack at, and I REALLY don’t want to ask my siblings about this, that would be SO weird!”

“Of course! It’s so nice to meet someone with similar interests!! Anyway, the real problem with trying to find one is getting past the initial ‘you’re so much lower than I am’ phase…” Stephen immediately began spewing a massively long diatribe of the PROPER way to court draconic bachelors- which Spacey was listening to with rapt attention.

Rex felt like he was losing more of his brain with every word these two were saying. I don’t think she know that most dragons- or most people for that matter- don’t work like that… at least they’re getting along? Maybe??

Celeste’s shrill voice suddenly interrupted the activities of everyone else on the boat. “OH RIGHT, I FORGOT ABOUT THE PROPHECY!! Everybody listen, this is important!!” Clearing her throat, Celeste began to speak, her eyes glowing as her voice took on a deep, powerful echo.

"ORBS OF POWER, SEVEN THERE ARE…
BURIED IN THE SAND, BY FELINE GUARDS.
HIDDEN IN THE FOREST, BY FEY OF OLD,
IN THE CITY OF RICHES, SET TO BE SOLD.
THE DEPTHS OF THE OCEAN, IN THE DEEPEST PIT,
HELD BY DARK SISTERS, A PLACE UNLIT.
HOARD OF INIQUITY, THE PRETENDER’S THRONE,
THE FALSE PROPHET’S CLUTCHES, IN A CASTLE OF BONE.
FIND THEM ALL, FIGHT TO YOUR LAST BREATH
OR THE WORLD SHALL LANGUISH IN DARKNESS AND DEATH."

After the last word was uttered, Celeste’s eyes returned to normal. Stephen was busy writing what she just said down, but everyone else was very, very confused.

Spacey muttered. “That’s… not a lot to work with. Anything more specific?”

Stephen, still scribbling away, piped up. “At least it rhymes. This Asteron has something of a way with words…”

“Dark sisters… Oh, GREAT.” Arandia groaned. “That’s gotta be those Sisterhood of Assassins assholes…”

Usagi tilted his head. He didn’t have eyebrows, but the tone of his voice sounded like he would raise one if he did. “Oh ho ho. Is there some history, perhaps?”

“I got fired. I don’t want to talk about it. They don’t like me very much. So… where are we going, again?”

“Uh… ask Rex, he’s the leader!!” Celeste pointed at him.

“You’re the one who- argh. Fine!” Most of those don’t sound particularly welcoming. I don’t want to deal with the Sisterhood right now if I can help it, they’re… not friendly to outsiders. Ocean, only one of us can breathe underwater. The Pretender’s Throne… that must be my former kingdom, but… as much as I would desire to run back and grab it immediately, at our current stature we would be routed most easily. And I have no idea what ‘city of riches’ or the forest one mean, those descriptors are far too broad… the only one left would be…

“Ahem! ‘Buried in the sand, by feline guards…’” Rex announced. “That is most definitely referring to the desert kingdom of Pyrarin, governed by the Tabaxi of the desert. If there is any place we should start, it should be there. Now, unfortunately, we don’t seem to have a sense of direction at the moment, so… we should try and find land, first thing. Once we do, we abandon this ship and set out for the desert. ANY OBJECTIONS?”

When no one responded, Rex breathed a sigh of relief, then continued. “Good! Now… Usagi, you said you knew how to sail a ship?”

“Indeed. Thankfully the ship's compass is still intact- we left from Kalport, so if we due south, we should end up somewhere near the southern continent. It’ll be a bit of a trek, but we can figure out the details once we’re not on a stolen vessel.”
“Good. Talk amongst yourselves, or some such. I’m going to bed.”

With that, Rex staggered into the captain’s quarters, and immediately collapsed into the nearby bed, the sheer stress of the day finally taking its toll.

Well… I suppose this day wasn’t a total loss… I have gathered powerful allies… I can only hope that they won’t be the death of me!

That thought comforted him, only slightly, as he drifted off- hoping that when he woke up, the ship wouldn’t be on fire or some other terrible fate.

Chapter Text

Wanted Dead or Alive: Rex Malum Brimstone
Crimes: Heresy, Attempted Treason
Reward: 10,000,000 Gold
Cannot be reasoned with. Deadly force likely required.

Wanted Dead: Celeste Cherie
Crimes: Heresy, False God Worship
Reward: 1,000,000,000 Gold
If sighted, terminate with extreme prejudice.

-Wanted posters for the Gaian Empire

Rex was trying to sleep. He had had a very long, exhausting day, and he needed time to recover his sanity. Operative word being “trying”. Because unfortunately, wanting to sleep badly doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll fall into a slumber at the drop of a hat.

Especially when a certain elf wouldn't leave him alone…

“Hi, Rex!!” Celeste threw open the door without even knocking, predictably. Clearly I need to put up a sign… No, she wouldn’t read it. “Hey, why are you sleeping in your armor? Isn’t that uncomfortable?”

Rex groaned. “Because I’m too tired to get up. Is something the matter, or can I ask you to le-”

“Yes, actually! I’m trying to find out what the goal is when you get all of the Orbs, what are you going to do with them? Societal change? Executing all your enemies? I need DETAILS.”

Rex could feel his migraine getting worse. Gods damn it, she’s not going to leave unless I entertain this line of questioning, is she. FINE .“That’s assuming they even exist… ”

“THEY DO.” Celeste pouted. Clearly that’s a touchy subject… better not touch that, lest her screeching split my head in half.

Rex sat up, rubbing his head, trying to frame his reply in a way that sounded at least somewhat altruistic. “I don’t know, I’ll figure that out when I get there… all I know is that I want my gods-damned kingdom back, anything else is merely an accessory. Crushing the Empire would be a good use, I suppose.”

“You should probably think about that more, it is important to have a long-term goal, like Asteron, who has plans stretching back hundreds of years-”

Rex gritted his teeth. “I don’t need to hear about them.”

Celeste tilted her head, seemingly unable to take the hint. “You seem tense. Is everything okay?”

NOW you say that?! After waking me up, bothering me for trivial conversations, and refusing to LEAVE? “I am FINE. I am trying to SLEEP. Are you done with this line of questioning?”

“Uhhh, one last thing.” Celeste stared at him, her formerly cheery expression turning dark and her voice shifting to an intimidating monotone. “You wouldn’t happen to be trying to replace the heads of the Empire, would you? After all, they control half the world… that’s a lot of power you could grab…”

What is this… she’s never normally this serious. “N-no… I couldn’t care less what happens in that power vacuum, as long as Dragonia is restored to its former glory.”

“Okay!” Celeste’s voice returned to its normal bubbly cadence, but the sudden shift still gave Rex pause.

“Asteron wouldn’t send me to somebody who has negative intentions for the world, after all. Just needed to confirm for myself so I’m not COMPLETELY blindly following orders… thank yoooou!” She waltzed out of the room, completely forgetting to shut the door on the way out. As Rex staggered to his feet to shut it, he couldn’t get that mood swing out of his head.

…I think I’d better watch myself around her… there might be a bad side I don’t want to get on, especially if even some of her nonsense is true…

Celeste was busy praying. Asteron usually tended to grant ones that were more altruistic instead of selfish. Mental gymnastics to dress up selfish requests never worked- the perks of being omniscient, she supposed.
Right now, she was busy praying for a safe voyage to their next destination. “Asteron, who art above the heavens, please grant my request for safe passage…”

CLANG!

Celeste looked over to find the source of the noise. The construct calling herself Spacey was swinging a hammer on the broken device from earlier. It was very annoying, but part of being a priestess was turning the other cheek to small annoyances. “So that we may reach our destination with no interruptions-”

CLANG!

Celeste sighed. Breathe, Celeste, you’re supposed to be above earthly temptations and problems… you have a greater purpose-

CLANG!

Celeste snapped, her attempt at decorum failing miserably. “WOULD YOU STOP THAT AWFUL NOISE?!”

Spacey put down the hammer she was swinging away with, and yelled back. “Maybe you could you can it for a minute? I’m trying to concentrate on fixing this thing… and if i had some quiet myself I could fix it faster.”

Celeste’s face twisted into an annoyed grimace. How rude! Doesn’t she know I’m the righteous hand of the Creator? I- and He- deserve more respect than that! “I am busy trying to make sure we get to land safely and make sure we don’t drown or something, that is more important than your… whatever that is!”

Spacey continued hammering away at the broken cannon, completely uncaring for her righteous indignation.“Right. By praying to a god that most certainly has been dead for-”

“ASTERON! IS! NOT! DEAD!!” Celeste stormed over, fuming intensely.

Spacey didn’t even bother to get up from her seat to talk back. “All right, I’ll bite. If he does exist… I don’t know… ask him to set me up a blind date or something.”

Celeste stammered. “He doesn’t take such selfish requests! If gods just gave people everything they wanted, life would be meaningless!

“Ah, but it’s not entirely selfish. Wouldn’t more people knowing he exists give him more worshippers? That sounds like a good deal for both of us.” Spacey mused. “Also, I’ve been trying to find a proper draconic boyfriend for years. Surely that persistence is worthy of SOMETHING… eh?”

Celeste sighed. If it’s in the name of spreading His word, I suppose I can bother him with the occasional self-centered prayer… “Great God Asteron, please grant this lady’s request to find her soulmate!”

Silence. With every moment, Celeste’s apprehension increased. Spacey was tapping her foot. “Great response.”

Celeste was sweating nervously, a fact not helped by how hot her priestess robes could be. Perhaps I wasn’t specific enough. Maybe if I give more details… “Uh… find her DRACONIC soulmate!”

After a long, awkward pause, still nothing occurred, not even a puff of smoke. A cartoonish grin appears on Spacey’s flat face, as she chuckled. “Told you that wouldn’t work.”

Celeste’s normally pale skin turned a furious shade of red as she fumed. “IT’S NOT MY FAULT HE’S CHOOSY WITH WHAT HE DOES! HE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS!!”

Spacey shrugged. “Well, that sounds like a weak way to operate… he should take lessons from the ACTUAL gods, holding big festivals in their names, putting in public appearances… even sleeping around with mortals… really, this Asteron needs some better PR.”

“HE’S ABOVE SUCH MATERIAL PURSUITS!!”

“Sure, godhead.” Spacey waved dismissively. “I’ll just take my work somewhere else so you can finish your prayers in peace.” She got up, carrying the hunk of junk belowdecks.

How dare she! Such an insult! If Asteron didn’t teach peace and forgiveness, I’d smack her upside the head for being so rude!

Celeste was seething. “Forgive her, Asteron, she knows not the blasphemy with which she speaks… smiting won’t be necessary.” But maybe an annoying inconvenience would teach her a lesson… wait, no, she’d just chalk it up to coincidence and not divine intervention! DARN IT!

Spacey was still trying to fix her broken Force Cannon, before spying Stephen down the hall, scribbling in his notebook. Oh, perfect! Just the man I needed to see.

Spacey had read all the volumes of Scales of Passion- cover to cover, repeatedly. He wrote with such a romantic touch- clearly he knew what he was talking about. Maybe he knows where I can find a Mr. Right to sweep me off my feet and add me to his hoard… “Excuse me, Mr. Myer…” Spacey slid over, desperately attempting to hide her nervousness. Focus! It’s not that difficult of a question! You asked Rex earlier!

Granted, Rex was not a famous author that she idolized, so it was a little more difficult.

“Yes? Do you need something?” Stephen adjusted his glasses, looking a little skittish.

“Weelll… I figured, since you probably have some experience in draconic romance, do you happen to know any dragon bachelors? I’ve been on the market for YEARS and I’ve had no luck…”

Stephen coughed, looking rather guilty. Uh-oh. Too much? Half the people I ask that to just laugh… or call me a weirdo… “Apologies, I am sorry to admit that I, ahem… don’t know any personally. I merely write about the subject matter… I’m not as well-travelled as you may have been led to believe.”

I suppose it was too good to be true… dragons are famously choosy. “Oh. Darn. Well, hopefully you can give me some tips for seducing one the next time I meet one… with the way you write, clearly you must be a maestro in the ways of the heart…”

Stephen’s face turned into an uncharacteristically serious expression, his mouth curled into a thin frown. “...you should probably ask somebody else about putting that into practice.”

Spacey was shocked. “Wait, you- you don’t have real experience with this??”

“Not currently.”

Spacey couldn’t believe her ears, that she didn’t have, per se, but she couldn’t believe her hearing anyway. Here was the premier romance author of most of the known world, at least in her eyes, telling her that he had no luck with women. Was the pedestal higher up than he could possibly live up to?

Truly, sometimes fate is a paradox. “Huuhhhh? That’s… quite surprising. You’d think if you write about something you’d be able to know what to do about it…”

Stephen sighed, looking rather annoyed. “Bad luck, I suppose. Is there anything else, or can I-”

Spacey realized too late what she had said. Oops. I think I touched a nerve… of course he’d take that personally. Oh no, I can’t alienate my favorite author!! Wait. I know how to fix this! She grabbed his hand, a determined look on her face. “That’s it! By the end of this adventure, we’ll find the perfect soulmate for you, just you wait! I’ll be your wingwoman!!”

Stephen looked fairly caught off guard by the offer. “You really don’t have to do that… I’m sure I can manage-”

“I totally get what it’s like to have the deck stacked against you from the start, look at me, I’m a construct trying to find a dragon. Do you know how specific that is?!”

Stephen raised his eyebrow. “Very, I would imagine…”

“Then we can be siblings in loneliness together! Your books gave me hope for my happy ending, I’m gonna find you yours!”

Stephen smiled. “...thank you, I suppose. I appreciate the offer.”

“Oh, good, now that that’s settled…” Spacey mused. Okay! Now’s the perfect time to ask! GO! “I, uh, have some books that, uh… could you autograph them? PLEASE??”

That appeared to put a big grin back on Stephen’s face, much to Spacey’s relief. “Of course, anything for one of my adoring fans!”

Stephen’s hand hurt from autographing Spacey’s entire collection of his novels. The noises of joy she made made it worth it though. Finally, meeting someone who actually cares about what I write… I thought I’d just be reading anonymous fan letters for the rest of my life.

He staggered onto the deck of the ship. He wasn’t used to sailing, having been in a landlocked city for most of his childhood, and holed up in hotel rooms writing for a big portion of the rest of his life.

Yes, it’s nice to- what in the gods’ name is that smell?

His train of thought was cut off by a stench of fish nearby- fittingly, coming from a large pile of dead fish near the ship’s railing. It wasn’t there when he was there earlier… Stephen squinted to take a closer look. “Why is there a pile of fish in the middle of the-”

“DON’T TOUCH THAT!!!” Octavia’s shrill voice interrupted his sentence, startling him like a cat spotting a cucumber. “Wh-where…” He looked around, but couldn’t see her anywhere. “One second! I’m in the middle of organizing those!” The voice came from over the side of the ship. Stephen took a look, and was treated to the strange sight of Octavia slamming a fish against the surface of the water in an attempt to kill it. “There we go, this one’s dead… perfect. That should be enough… probably…”

Stephen beheld the fish pile once again. Did- did she catch ALL of those? With her bare hands… tentacles… whatever. Most people would probably be disturbed, but he was fascinated. Well, if the drider isn’t interested, perhaps… I suppose it’s worth a shot…

Octavia hoisted herself up the side of the deck, her long tentacles sticking to the wood as she dragged herself over the railing. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Thinking, I suppose.”

She leaned in to stare directly into his eyes, with her bizarre pupils unblinking. “About whaaaaat?”

Come on, Stephen, she asked! And you want to make a good first impression, don’t you? First impressions are everything! “You… wouldn’t happen to be single, would you?”

Octavia said nothing, as if the question had frozen her thought process. Stephen hoped this wouldn’t burn yet ANOTHER potential bridge… Better to burn it at the start than hope for it to be built only for it collapse.

She cracked a crazed grin. “Ha! Yes, I am! But sorry, you’re not my type… you’re not nearly ugly enough.”

He wasn’t expecting that reaction. He’d dealt with a lot of rejections in his time- too short, too skinny, mostly ‘too desperate’- or the worst, getting told yes only to be ignored later- but being told he was too handsome was a new one. “Wh- too handsome? That… that’s oddly gratifying that you think I’m handsome…”

“Yeeeeaaaahh… sorry, I only go for people who are, uh, more on the wavelength of chaos… no rules… no etiquette… physical deformities… things like that.”

Well, at least she let me down gently… I suppose I can take comfort in that…

“So, what’re you REALLY thinking about?” Octavia leaned over the edge of the deck, her head dangling over the water.

If Stephen didn’t see her tentacles gripping the floor, he would’ve worried for her safety. “Well, I’d kind of settled into a rut of publishing my work, getting paid, not really leaving whatever place I’d holed up in… trying to meet people… I just hope that this is what will finally help me find… someone who likes me back, is all.”

Octavia laughed. “Man, thinking is hard. Whenever I do that too much, I get all stressed out and junk. So I try to do that as little as possible!”

Stephen sighed. “I wish I could do that so easily…”

The octomaid lurched back over the railing, looking pensive. “You know what you need? You sound like you need some chaos in your life. One sec…” Octavia reached into a pocket on her robes, and pulled out a purple book. On the cover was a strange picture of a purple octopus giving a thumbs up.

“What… what is this?”

“Oh, it’s the Tome of Zarnath! Daddy gives these out to all his worshippers to spread the bad word of him. If you need any advice on how to kick those thoughts out of your head, come see me and I’ll clear all that fog away.”

“R-really? You’d do that?”

Octavia was practically beaming. “Of course! People get so wrapped up in what’s right or wrong that they forget what the most important thing is- to do what you WANT. If you live your life doing what you want, everything’s so much easier! Part of my job is to spread that philosophy to the world!”

Stephen thought for a moment before taking the strange tome from her. “...I’ll take you up on that, I suppose. Thank you.”

“Great!! Now, I gotta drag all this fish to the kitchen… I’m sure somebody’s gonna start complaining about food soon…” She sauntered off, dragging a barrel full of the fish she’d caught behind her.

Stephen couldn’t get a read on her. At first she seemed like an insane lunatic, but she was surprisingly personable… and her way of thinking was oddly appealing. …it’s that easy, hm. He smiled. Joining this odyssey may have been the right choice after all.

Octavia was dragging the barrel of fish behind her with her tentacles, looking for the kitchen. I can eat it raw, but I’m sure nobody else here can… except the metal lady, she can’t eat anything… somebody else could probably do better with this…  She didn’t have any experience cooking whatsoever- only making eldritch concoctions which were hardly edible most of the time- so she hoped somebody else would. 

She heard a voice coming from a nearby room- it was Usagi, the cute little rabbit. “Hm. The pickings are rather slender aboard this vessel. Hopefully we make landfall soon… otherwise we might have to resort to cannibalism.”

Oh, good, he can cook. Finally, I can stop lugging this thing around, it’s heavy! Gently opening the door and slinking up behind him, Octavia breathed in, and yelled a greeting as loudly as she could muster. “HI, RABBIT!!” Octavia exclaimed loudly, making Usagi jump onto the table in fright. Ha! His fur’s practically standing on end! I love doing that.

“Don’t- don’t DO that.”

“You should’ve seen the look on your face!” Octavia guffawed. “Looked like you were about to jump out of your fur!! HA!”

Usagi climbed down off the table, dusting himself off. “Do you often go around making skittish people fear for their lives?”

“Sometimes. But that’s not the ONLY reason I came here…” Octavia shoved the barrel forward and into the room. “I heard you looking for food, couldn’t find any… well, here’s some! Was busy grabbing all these juicy little fishies out of the water!” Casually grabbing one out of the barrel and shoving it under her torso so her beak could gnash the bones apart, Octavia giggled.

Usagi looked disturbed at the sight. “What? Did you- did you just… what did you do?”

“Oh, it’s fine. I’ve got a second mouth with a beak under there, I won’t choke on any of the bones!” She grinned, her yellowed teeth gleaming in the light of the room’s lantern. But nothing Octavia said appeared to make Usagi’s concern any less apparent. Man. It’s a totally normal part of my body! No different than your ears, Mr. Too-Cute-For-His-Own-Good. Ignoring his confusion, she continued to ramble. “I was hungry earlier, but I caught too much to eat all by myself. Here, you can use it for everybody else!!”

Usagi peered at the pile of fish, rubbing his chin. “That’s… a sizable amount, actually. How did you catch it? We don’t have any fishing rods…”

“Oh, I just grabbed them and slammed them against the water’s surface ‘til they died!” She grinned even wider.

Usagi looked even more disturbed than before. Octavia couldn’t see why. Would he rather I deliver them to him alive? That’d be way more inconvenient, I’d think… “...quite. Well, thank you for the help… I can handle it from here…”

“Cool. Anyway, I’mma take a nap. Wake me up when dinner’s ready!!” Octavia ripped open the top of another barrel, and crawled inside. Mmmm… comfy. Who needs beds when you have barrels?

Usagi was busy attempting to cook a few of the fish that Octavia had dredged up. Thankfully, while it lacked in raw ingredients, the ship’s kitchen was decently stocked with cookware.

The oven had some firewood already inside, so getting a decent cooking fire going wasn’t terribly difficult. Some of those were rather large, I’m impressed. Half of them aren’t edible, though… And some already have bites taken out of them… There should still be enough for a few meals, at least.

Usagi sprinkled a little salt in the pot, the contents of which were already turning a decent white color. Fish soup was always a convenient option for being on ships, even if it wasn’t particularly glamorous. An eyeball floated to the top of the surface. “Oop. Let’s just… get rid of that…” Usagi grabbed it with the spoon and tossed it into the pile of fishbones to the side. Hopefully there aren’t any other unpleasant bits I missed…

“The fuck is that smell?”

Usagi turned to see Arandia standing outside the room. She couldn’t get all the way inside, since the doorway was too narrow for her abdomen to fit through.

“Ah, a simple fish soup. Octavia so kindly donated the ingredients. Good thing, too- this ship had barely anything to speak of in terms of raw materials.”

Arandia cocked her head, seemingly surprised. “You can cook? That’s a surprise. I just throw shit on a fire and eat it. Hell, sometimes I don’t even have that.”

Usagi shrugged, letting the remark slide. “I try to maintain that skill, yes. It helps greatly when keeping up a sophisticated appearance, or infiltrating the homes of rich folk. Or making breakfast the morning after a successful night out.”

“I didn’t even know rabbits could eat fish.”

“Harengon can indeed. Most prefer vegetables, yes, but when you’re on the run constantly, you learn fairly fast that preferences mean little if you’re starving.”

Arandia chuckled in approval. “Isn’t that the truth… I’ve had to eat literal trash before to not collapse. I don’t even remember what good food tastes like anymore…”

Usagi chuckled. “Well, you’re about to remember. I need a taste tester…”

“Me? Can’t you ask somebody else? I don’t, uh, really have the palate for this…”

“Oh, it’ll just take a minute.” Usagi grabbed a ladle, carefully spooning some of the concoction into a small wooden bowl. Carrying it to Arandia, he held it up so the drider could grab it. “Try it, please.”

“Listen, rabbit, I just eat what’s put in front of me. Growing up in the shithole back-alleys of the world, I didn’t have the luxury of ‘not liking’ things. I’m not sure what opinion I could give…”

Usagi groaned. “Oh for- just try it, already! Even knowing it’s EDIBLE will be good enough.”

“Fine.” Arandia grabbed the ladle and took a big gulp of the soup, sucking it down in an instant with a loud slurp. “Huh. That’s… good. It tastes like fish, it doesn’t make me want to vomit… yeah. It’s tasty.”

“Oh, good. Given the limited stock, I was worried.” Really, I was worried about pissing off someone of your size and strength, but that too.

Arandia reached down to rumple his fluffy head. “I’ll have to nominate you for the party cook position, then… that construct can’t eat, and I wouldn’t trust most of the rest of these clowns with cooking shit. Especially not Celeste, she’s been eating sweets from her bag all day. Her concept of nutrition is probably a blank slate.”

“I’m glad to hear your vote of confidence. On a related note, go get Rex for me, will you? He hasn’t left the captain’s quarters since this afternoon, and I wouldn’t want His Majesty to miss out…” Usagi chuckled.

“Sure. Be right back.” Arandia clomped off down the hall, leaving Usagi alone in the kitchen.

Usagi reached up to readjust his fur. Hm. I was expecting her to be a fool, but she seems more put together than I gave her credit for. I’ll have to consult on some schemes later… criminals have to stick together.

Arandia moved down the hall, towards the captain’s quarters, going to get Rex. Usagi had finished the dinner he was preparing, and Rex was the only one who hadn’t shown up yet.

She rapped on the door loudly, and only heard loud snoring in response. Clearly something extra would be required to get him up. Arandia sighed. Good thing the captain’s quarters have double doors… otherwise I’d have to get somebody else to go in there.

She barely squeezed through the gap, thanking her luck that her rear didn’t get stuck again, and staggered into the room. Arandia beheld the sight, standing over Rex. He was completely conked out, snoring loudly. Damn, he sounds like a hibernating bear. Far cry from the pompous jackass who broke me out of jail… “Yo. Boss. We found food. Get up.”

All Rex did was let out a noncommittal grunt before shifting under the blanket. She frowned, and grabbed his shoulder to shake it. “Get UP. Food. NOW. Unless you want me to eat all of yours.”

Another incomprehensible noise, before getting right back to dozing. Fucks sake, this guy’s talking his ass off about being the ‘greatest ruler of the world’ and he can’t even get up for food? Jackass.

Arandia rolled her many eyes. “Right, if you don’t want to get up, I’ll just carry you.” Arandia grabbed and tossed off the blanket, revealing Rex still clad in his armor from earlier. What? Why- that’s heavy, why wouldn’t he take it off?

“Father… no!! I’m not going to leave you here!!”

What the fuck…? Arandia was taken aback by the sudden outburst. Rex was talking in his sleep. About what, she had no idea… but it couldn’t have been anything good. She grabbed and shook him more furiously, which finally roused him from his slumber.

Rex was groaning in his usual annoyed manner. “What?! All right, I’m awake!!”

“Uh… you were talking in your sleep. Do you want to talk about it, or-”

Rex looked away, his normally brash voice softening. “Just a nightmare. Nothing you need to concern yourself with. What is it?”

“Well, other question is, why the fuck are you sleeping in your armor? It’s gonna smell later.”

Rex moaned. “You’re the second person to ask me that! I was too tired to take it off!!”

“Right. Well, dinner’s ready.” Without waiting for a response, she scooped him up in a bridal carry with her large arms. “Damn, you’re heavy. All those royal palace dinners must’ve put on a few pounds…”

Rex was thrashing about, albeit weakly thanks to his exhaustion. “How dare you?! Unhand me! Kings are not to be carried around like bundles of firewood!! Especially when they’re trying to sleep!! AND I AM AT A PERFECTLY HEALTHY WEIGHT FOR MY AGE AND SPECIES!!”

Arandia was in no mood for anyone’s nonsense, especially not when she was hungry. “Okay, asshole, want me to drop you on the ground instead, so you can crawl your way to the kitchen?”

Neither of them said anything, and a wordless understanding seemed to have been reached. “Thought so. You’re lucky I’m a strong bastard, otherwise you’d be out of luck.” Arandia squeezed back through the doorway and carted him to the dining hall. She was having trouble getting his sleeping outburst out of her head... 

He was going on and on about reclaiming his kingdom… hm. Maybe he’s not as much of a blowhard noble as I thought. Or he is, and he just happens to have dead relatives. Whatever. I’m sure I’ll find out later.

Or maybe we have more in common than I thought.

Author's Note:

Wow, this took a while. But now the full party's assembled and the actual plot can kick off in earnest.
Curious to see who people's favorite characters are. (Not that any of the seven will get shortchanged in terms of screentime...)

Chapter Text

The Astral Kraken:

One of the most powerful known demons in terms of sheer strength- but in practice, it’s lazy and inaccessible nature means not many can make use of its power.
Most of the time, the Kraken is asleep, and does not react well to being woken up. Most of those who summon it typically experience disastrous results, ranging from death to the destruction of everything around them.

Only the God of Chaos, Zarnath, and his descendants, by virtue of being demons themselves, can freely call upon and make use of it, since the Kraken is said to be a blood relative of him. Due to this, they are the only ones who can understand its indecipherable screeching. And even then, using its power expels a tremendous amount of energy- such that it cannot be summoned on a constant basis.

The Kraken is secluded away in its own personal pocket dimension, and summoning it merely exposes a limb or two. A tentacle, an eye, a gnashing beak, a drooling toothy maw- all mere glimpses of its terror. Woe betide those who are exposed to its entire being, for they are not long for this world.

-Ars Daemonia

Everyone was gathered around the table belowdecks, resting and eating the soup that Usagi had made. There was no plan or strategy to discuss yet beyond ‘get to the southern continent’, and without any sign of where they were, there was nothing to do in the immediate moment. So, everyone was free to do what they wanted for a change.

Nobody was saying much of anything- the events that had brought them all together were probably too exhausting. Octavia was asleep, snoring loudly. Arandia was busy wolfing down the food in front of her without a care. Usagi had his feet up on the table, slowly sipping a bottle of alcohol he’d found. Stephen was busy scribbling in his notebook- Arandia carrying him into the dining hall had given him some terrible ideas, much to their mutual frustration. Spacey, being unable to partake, was busy reading her… Rex hesitated to define it as ‘literature’, but she was certainly reading.

Rex took an idle sip. Hmph. Even to my refined palate, it is better than I was expecting. Perhaps the rabbit shall have a place as a palace chef at the end of this, if he desires it…

He couldn’t stop thinking about that dream- it had become far too common as of late. The ruins of Dragonia’s palace, in flames… and the screams… 

Rex shook his head, trying to banish the thoughts, which wasn’t particularly successful. It’s only a nightmare. It can’t hurt me now…

Celeste was the only one saying much of anything, praying to Asteron, again, for some kind of guidance. At least her familiar rambling gave him something to focus on other than the remnants of nightmares. She put her hands together and began. “Asteron, who art above all, please grant us a sign to reach the nearest shore…”

“I’m telling you, lady, that’s not going to work…” Spacey muttered, setting Celeste off instantly. Her hearing is rather selective… half the time she’s not listening, but if you insult her deity she catches on instantly… Rex kept silent, not needing more of a headache.

Celeste turned that familiar shade of red, and started telling off the unconcerned construct, waving her staff like a petulant child. “YOU DON’T KNOW THAT!! FINE. YOU pray to some god or other, I bet you can’t get any better results!!”

Spacey rolled her eyes. “Fine. HEY, any gods that happen to be listening! C’mere and prove that you’re better than-”

“Hey, you two, can it. The hell is that?” Arandia interrupted the bickering duo to point at the ceiling- which was rapidly dripping a strange purple liquid.

“That’s not his doing! He’s typically more subtle than that…” Celeste muttered. “It might be a monster!” She raised her staff, readying to defend herself if something jumped at her.

“Or some other god coming to prove my point-” Spacey started to say, before a withering glare from Celeste silenced her.

A particularly large drop of purple liquid came down from the ceiling, and before anyone could react, it landed in the fish soup pot with a wet splash! In an instant, it had taken shape- a purple blob with a singular eye, several tentacles, and a mouth full of small, pointy teeth!

“What the- I spent a lot of time on that!!” Usagi protested.

“Forget the soup, somebody catch that thing before it escapes!” Arandia grunted, pulling out her scimitar.

“Ooh, we could get some useful materials out of that…” Spacey grabbed a nearby soup bowl, readying it to slam it down on the offending creature. “C’mere, little guy… I’m not gonna hurt you…!”

But before any of them could react, a sardonic-sounding voice rang out amidst the din of the hall. “I wouldn’t recommend that, pinky, eight-legs. Not that you could, but trying probably wouldn’t go well.”

Rex looked around, wondering who could’ve said that. It didn’t sound like any of the current crew… which meant, much to his exasperation… Is that thing talking? Oh, lovely, ANOTHER person to worry about… assuming it isn’t here to kill us all…

Octavia was the first to break the silence, waking up abruptly from her snoring slumber. “DADDY!!” Octavia screeched. “You NEVER visit me in person! Did something important happen?!”

The purple blob crawled out of the pot, grinning happily. “What, I’m not allowed to check on my favorite daughter? Well, also my only daughter. Still!”

“Daughter…” Rex muttered. What did Octavia introduce herself as earlier- oh. OH. He exclaimed, “Wait, you’re- Zarnath, the god of chaos?!”

“Gold star, scalehead.” The purple blob licked its lips. “Hm, that tasted delicious.”

Usagi was grumbling. “Mph. That took me a while… and now we have no more food on board…”

The purple creature turned towards Usagi, grinning. “Oh, you made it, fluffy? Good stuff, you should pursue that career choice instead if you ever need another job.” Usagi moved to say something, but retreated back into a corner, probably sensing it was wiser to keep his mouth shut. “Anyway, as much as I’d love to pay a visit to my favorite daughter as much as possible- I’m here for something bigger than that.”

“Wait, You can’t be the real Zarnath!” Celeste interrupted. “The gods are all sealed up on Deus Mons and can’t leave!” she fumed. “If they escaped, I would’ve heard about it!! You must be a liar trying to trick us!!”

“HOW DARE YOU!!” Octavia yelled, marching up to Celeste, looking like her blood was about to boil out of her veins. “That’s my DAD you’re talking to! You don’t think I’d know him from looking at him!?”

A sarcastic chuckle escaped the lips of the purple blob. “Relax, Octavia, I’m used to being called a pretender. Some folks just don’t want to accept that a demon got promoted to the big boy chair. But like it or not, I’m the real deal. If you want proof THAT bad… Can fake gods do THIS?”

The blob suddenly fired out a purple beam out of its eyeball that set the wall ablaze in purple flames!

“What the- asshole! We stole this ship ourselves! Don’t bust it up!!” Arandia growled.

The purple blob rolled its singular eye. “Oh, relax, eight-legs. Just give it a sec…” Before long, the flames dissipated, leaving charred writing on the wall- that said Daddy’s Home.

“That enough for ya? Sorry I can’t give a better demonstration, but I only got so much energy to spend, and maintaining this little vessel from this far away is difficult enough as it is.”

“Wait…” Rex interjected. “If you’re trapped, how you can do… anything here? The gods haven’t appeared in decades…”

Zarnath laughed. “That’s just what the Empire wants you to think, scalehead. Sure, we’re stuck there, but as long as we’re careful, we can project little bits of ourselves to do whatever we need to. Order our followers around, give advice, make sure my darling daughter hasn’t kicked the bucket yet, you name it.”

Rex was not convinced. I doubt he’s here JUST to visit his daughter… gods are not so single-minded. They always have a bigger purpose in mind. “Be that as it may, one of the top gods of Milennia wouldn’t come to visit randomly unless it was for something important. So. To what do we REALLY owe the honor?” Rex stared down the purple blob, which paused its rambling.

“Don’t question my dad’s unholy purpose!! He’s busy orchestrating chaos that your mortal minds can’t even comprehend!!” Octavia looked about ready to punch Rex, but Zarnath thankfully interjected before she could resort to violence. 

“Octavia, it’s fine, really. At least he knows how to properly address gods. Pointy-ears could learn something from ya. You’re right, though- word on the street is that you two-” His tendrils pointed to Rex and Celeste. “Scalehead, pointy-ears- you two are supposed to be the ones that’ll take down the big bad empire that’s been running the world into the ground by finding those special balls. Normally I wouldn’t give crap like that the time of day- seen enough would-be heroes crash and burn- but when my daughter is involved, I take a bit of a personal interest in helping her succeed, y’know?”

“Do you… uh… think you could get some of the other gods to help, if this is really as important as you say?” Spacey piped up. “You’d think they’d have a vested interest in getting off that mountain…”

“HAHAHA! The other gods won’t help you, pinky. They’ve seen too many people try and fail to gather those little balls. If you manage to get one of them, then maybe I can convince some of the other guys to get off their holy butts… but you’re on your own otherwise. But you do seem to be stranded in the middle of the ocean, with no source of direction… so I suppose I can give you a little push.”

“How the fuck are you supposed to get us anywhere? You’re as small as an apple.” Arandia muttered.

Zarnath glared at her, his eye turning a menacing red. “Careful, eight-legs, you should probably refrain from mouthing off to deities other than me. You might get one of your limbs blasted off. Anyway, I’m not gonna do it personally, I’m a little too weak like this. Ahem. HEY! ASTRAL KRAKEN! GET OUT HERE!!”

A large red tentacle appeared from a purple magic circle near the ship- presumably the same one that had trashed that enemy vessel from earlier, judging by the bit of sail hanging from it. An unholy screech reverberated throughout the ship, to which Zarnath merely rolled his eye. “Yeah, yeah, I know you’re tired of being woken up. Could you just shove this ship to… somewhere in the southern continent? If you help these folks out occasionally, you’ll definitely have some tasty meat to devour later. Plus, my daughter’s here, you wouldn’t want to disappoint her, would you?”

After a brief pause and a seemingly affirmative gurgle, the tentacle reared back.

“Wait, what is your plan here?!” Rex had a feeling he knew what it was, but any other option would be preferable. Unfortunately, the mad god had no such alternative in mind. Not again… can we not rest for more than a day before getting thrown about to god knows where?!

“Might want to hold onto something, scalehead. Pointy-ears- if any of the other gods show up, might not want to mention your little secret. They might get a bit touchy about it. Oh, and Octavia?"

"Yes, daddy?!" Octavia perked up, almost like a dog hearing its name called. If a dog had tentacles, anyway.

"If anything terrible happens to you, just call me and I'll try my best to make the problem go away. Call in a few favors, summon one of my siblings, et cetera. And don't forget to call- I miss hearing those property damage reports you made every month!"

Octavia rolled her eyes. "Daddy, I stopped making those when I was thirty."

"Shame. They were adorable. Call me if you need help coming up with terrible fates for your enemies. Anyway… GO!”

Before Rex could react, the Kraken’s tentacle slapped the side of the ship, sending it practically skipping across the water!

“Not again!! I just- I just managed to feel better from last time- URK!” Stephen immediately went for the nearest barrel and began vomiting. At least there wasn’t any danger of falling overboard since they were belowdecks… not that it was any consolation, getting thrown around like ragdolls.

Rex attempted to keep his footing, but failed miserably, getting thrown against the wall, sending him reeling. “Can I PLEASE have a MOMENT to not get thrown around like a miserable peasant for FIVE MINUTES-”

Before he could finish his sentence, the ship pitched and turned sideways. Rex landed on his tail, sending a jolt of pain through his entire body. Before he could recover, he caught a brief glimpse of something large tumbling towards him before a massive impact knocked him out… again.

Hate… if we ever meet any other gods, let’s hope they can give us more reasonable… transport…

"Phew."

Zarnath floated to the top of the water's surface. The ship containing his daughter and her companions was long gone, thanks to the Astral Kraken's absurd strength.

"That should be enough to get them started. Hopefully. Better than spinning their wheels in the middle of the ocean, possibly resorting to cannibalism..."

Before he could finish his thought, a beam of light suddenly extended down from the heavens, from which emanated the voice of a certain goddess. Evelice, Goddess of Light and Honesty, more like Goddess of Killjoys with how fast she knows whenever I dare have fun...

"Zarnath, what are you doing?"

Oh boy. Guess she found out... oh well. At least I had time to give them a head start...

"Oh, just going for a little swim..." They had done this song and dance many times- and it had always ended the same way. She could tell when anyone was lying. He knew it didn't matter if he did, but she couldn't do anything to him anyway. Hopefully.

Evelice sighed. "Really. Does summoning the Astral Kraken for the second time in two days make your swim any better?"

"Yes, it's more fun when the waves are higher than a ship. You should try it some time."

Evelice paused, before continuing in her exasperated tone. "Just... get back here, will you? We're trying to keep a lower profile, lest the Empire decide that we're plotting something and murder more potential followers..."

"Fine." Zarnath rolled his single eye, and dispelled his vessel. Other gods yelling at him he could deal with. As long as his daughter was safe.

Author's Note:

I hope you all like greek mythology. Because all the major deities are on that level of weird. Have fun.

Chapter Text

Green Deer Month

The beginning of spring, when hibernating animals come out to greet the warmth of the sun, and people breathe a sigh of relief at having made it through the bitter cold. This month belongs to Alviae, goddess of nature. For a brief moment, nature and civilization are in harmony- and the bounties of the earth are replenished for another cycle of life.

-Calendar of the Gods

Rex slowly came to his senses, trying to power through another migraine. Everything hurt. Again.

This was the second time in as many days that he’d been hit on the head and knocked out, and woken up somewhere else… which he dearly hoped would not become a trend.

Something heavy was on top of him- which he quickly realized was Arandia. Her scarred abs were directly in front of his face… which he was having a hard time taking his eyes off of. My gods, you could grind meat on those- no, it’s not proper! Stop staring-

“Ugh. Fuck me, my head… stupid fuckin’ hangover… need more alcohol…” Arandia stirred to her senses, staggering to her feet and off of him. She didn’t seem to care about the compromising position she was just in, much to Rex’s relief. “Where the hell are we now…”

Rex got to his feet, surveying the ship around him. It was certainly torn up and definitely unusable now. Thank you, Zarnath… an excellently terrible first impression. “That god mentioned that he was sending us to the southern continent… WHERE, I have no idea.”

“Great. Well, let’s see if we can find some fucking food around here, I’m STARVING.” Arandia crawled over to a busted up wall of the ship, and ripped boards off until she could fit through. Rex, having nothing better to do at the moment, followed her outside.

He could see a sizable city in the distance. “Oh, delightful. Actual civilization, we can probably get some-”

“Rex? Is that you?”

Rex stopped talking, hoping that he didn’t hear what he just heard. I know that voice… oh, gods, why NOW? Turning around, his suspicions were proven quite correct. A gray kobold, clad in a similarly drab-colored robe, was sitting there on the beach, sipping tea and twiddling his toes. He appeared to be totally unconcerned about the wreck before him.

Unfortunately, Rex knew exactly who this was- his uncle Khalib. He wasn’t actually related to him, being a mere servant to the Brimstone family, but he wormed his way into the uncle role anyway through sheer concern and persistence.

Khalib pulled down his glasses, almost mockingly. “Oh my, do my eyes deceive me? Is that my nephew, come to visit on my vacation?”

Rex grimaced. Gods… damnit… how does he ALWAYS know where I’m going to be? “Hello, Uncle…”

“UNCLE?” Celeste popped up, crawling out of the wreckage of the ship, falling on her face before jumping back to her feet. “Rex, you didn’t tell me you had one of those!!”

Rex let a sigh of utter exhaustion escape him. Could… could she not have stayed asleep for a bit longer?! “Yes… Celeste, Arandia, this is my uncle Khalib…” Rex thought intensely. Please, you two, don’t embarrass me. I finally have proper allies, don’t ruin my reputation with my relatives!!

Looking over at Celeste, Khalib raised his brow. “Oh? A cleric, how interesting.”

Have to explain before she embarasses me even more! Quickly!! “This is-”

Unfortunately, Celeste could not read his mind and thus could not save his dignity by remaining silent. “Celeste, High Priestess of Asteron and devoted ally of your nephew in his quest to save the world!!”

“Charmed.” Khalib got up off his chair, walking over to nudge Rex’s knee with his elbow. “Heh, it appears you’ve finally found a suitable queen… if your mother was here to see this, she’d be positively ecstatic. Although I would worry about an elf overturning your rule once it’s over…”

Celeste looked like something had turned over inside her head, frantically stammering to steer the conversation away. “Uh, NO, sir, it’s not like that… I’m merely an advisor for his holy quest, nothing deeper!!”

Trying vainly to restrain his immense embarrassment, Rex responded. “AHEM. Let us move to more pressing topics…” He could hear Arandia trying not to laugh behind him, which drove him even farther up the wall. Every. Time. I’m royalty, you’d think some RESPECT would be warranted!!

He shifted his focus to Arandia, having to crane his neck quite far to see her face.“And you, you must be his bodyguard. I hope he’s paying you enough for this… he often gets into quite a bit of trouble.”

Arandia burst out laughing, making Rex’s eye twitch in sheer annoyance. “Ha! You got that right. Don’t worry, I’m gonna get my money’s worth out of him… if he’s REALLY taking over the world, I’ll be set for life by the end of this!”

Every time. This is demeaning! I am worthy of more respect than this!!

Khalib took another sip of his tea. Did he always do it that loudly? Is he doing it on purpose? He must be. “Oh, I figured I’d wait to see if anyone crawled out of that ship, that way I could guide them to the nearby village… what a surprise to see my nephew. I gave you a sending stone, why don’t you call more often?”

“Apologies, but I am QUITE busy attempting to restore our throne, thank you…” Rex had heard this lecture many times before. Every time, his patience eroded a little bit. Why can’t he understand that as the crown prince, I have more important duties to uphold than commiserating about nothing!

“As befits your position, I suppose.” Khalib said, with a sarcastic edge.

“We only crashed here… at the behest of  HER god…” Rex gestured towards Octavia, who was currently digging Usagi and Stephen out of the wreck.

Khalib snorted. “It took a literal god sending you here to get you to call, is that it?”

If Rex weren’t already red, he’d be turning red with embarrassment. “I’ve been busy, uncle… trying to take over the-”

“Yes, yes, taking over the world…” Khalib chuckled. “Ever since you were a teenager you kept going on about how you were going to overthrow the Empire, but I didn’t expect you to actually succeed in gathering a real party. Especially with how poorly you tended to work with others growing up…”

Oh, gods no. Rex knew exactly what his uncle was about to say, and he was in no mood for anyone else to hear about it. “Ahem. Yes, that’s a story for another time, now-”

“Oh, this I gotta hear…” Arandia snorted. “Let me guess, he was just as much of a gloryhound back then?”

“It’s NOTHING.” Rex growled. NO. ANYTHING BUT THIS. PLEASE!

“Oh, I’m sure it’s something fitting of your role as this world’s savior…” Celeste mused. “Let’s hear it!!”

“Oh, nothing so grand. He ran off trying to capture a flag in military training, only to fall down a hole. We couldn’t find him for hours- he came back with the flag, but only after the game was already over. Let me tell you, he wasn’t happy that his moment of glory was stolen…”

“THAT WASN’T MY FAULT! The grounds weren’t pruned well enough, there’s no way I could have noticed that hole!!”

Arandia couldn’t stop laughing. Celeste was valiantly trying not to, but the way her face was screwing up betrayed her amusement. Have to change this conversation, now, before he reveals any other embarrassing anecdotes!

“A-Anyway, we really need to be going… we have business in Pyrarin, so we’ll need to get some transport to get there quickly…” Rex stammered, desperate to talk about anything else.

“I could help with that, if you do something for me…” Khalib pulled a poster out of his pocket. It read, Don’t Go Outside the Village at Night! Disappearances Rising! Reward: 1,000 gold. “We’re near the city of Koboldia- apparently people have been disappearing at night. If you go there and fix that, you’ll have enough money to get yourselves some decent transport to the desert.”

Rex groaned. “I know YOU have money, Uncle… would it not be more expedient to simply purchase said transport?!”

Khalib scoffed. Rex hated when he did that.“Because if everything was given to you for free, you wouldn’t learn anything.”

“Uncle, we are on a mission of great import! I would rather not delay to deal with some-”

Khalib simply adjusted his glasses, not fazed at all by Rex’s complaining. “You can’t be a king without the commonfolk’s support. Helping them with their problems goes a long way. Something YOU could stand to learn from your elders…”

As much as he detested being delayed in his quest, Rex knew his uncle was right. He always was… he just wished he wasn’t so high-and-mighty about it. “Fine… I suppose we should go find some leads…”

“Good. Follow me, the city’s not that far…” Khalib instantly took off in a run, much faster than one would expect given his size.

“Wow, he’s really fast for an old guy…” Arandia chuckled. “I like him.”

Rex groaned. I don’t know how he does it. He knows I can’t keep up, but he never slows down when I need to follow him anywhere… “Come on, get the others out of that wreck, we’d better get a move on…”

Rex had never been to Koboldia before, but he had certainly heard of it thanks to his uncle Khalib. Apparently they were the only reason that the Empire had not expanded into the southeastern continent- due to their intense loyalty to the kingdom of Dragonia, they didn’t really appreciate it being turned into a puppet state.

Predictably, most of the houses were quite short, fitting considering the majority population of kobolds in the area. The only exceptions were a merchant’s cart near the entrance, the local tavern, and a decently large mansion in the center of town- presumably where the ruler lived. Other than that, everything looked rather ramshackle- as if it was assembled in a great hurry. Rex knew better than to doubt the construction, though- kobolds were nothing if not dedicated. If a house fell down, they’d just build it again.

Nobody seemed to recognize Rex, unfortunately. Normally he would be annoyed, but he didn’t need a throng of adoring kobolds distracting him even more from the objective at hand. Khalib, however, was far more of a celebrity- almost everyone they passed by greeted him in manners most unbefitting of his station.

Granted, most kobolds were not particularly polite… Khalib was a rare exception.

After finally stopping, Khalib turned around to regard the party. “The people here have quite a bit of affection for the line of Dragonia- I’ll go ahead and put in a good word. You should have a room lined up, free of charge, by the end of the day. Provided you fix the problem they’re having, anyway. I’ll see you later, nephew… try to keep a lid on that temper, please.”

You saying that has the opposite effect, Uncle!! Rex struggled to keep his raging thoughts under control, but managed to stuff them back in his throat. “Fine… we’ll see you later.”

“So, boss, where are we going now?” Arandia leaned over and start using his head as an armrest, a gesture that Rex did not appreciate but did not feel like protesting lest the conversation be derailed further.

“Shouldn’t we go talk to the ruler of this place? They’d probably know more than anyone else!” Celeste chimed in.

Oh, gods, no. The thought of Celeste of all people meeting with anyone in power gave Rex chills. “I- I’m more worried about- um-”

Thankfully, Spacey interjected to cut off the terrible direction of his thoughts. “Eh, don’t worry about her. I can handle this… I’m royalty myself, after all. I’ll make sure she doesn’t do anything dumb.”

“I’m not going to do anything dumb!!” Celeste huffed. “I am a perfectly polite and civilized lady.”

Well, as long as the individual in charge isn’t a dragon, I suppose she’s more polite than some of the others… Rex turned to Spacey and nodded. “Proceed, then. Though, please try to make a decent impression…”

“Sure, sure. Come on, Celeste…” Spacey walked off, with Celeste stewing away in her footsteps. Rex doubted Spacey would be able to contain the force of nature that was the high priestess of Asteron, but she’d probably be less prone to random misfortune at least.

“Ahem. I would like to request to investigate the local tavern…” Stephen piped up. “After all, information often circulates when people loosen their lips…”

At least he’s not running off to chase any skirts. I suppose I can accept this. “Fine. Proceed.”

“I’ll go with him!!” Octavia chimed in. “Just, uh, in case there’s a bar fight, for self-defense-”

Ohhhh, no. “NO. You are not allowed to start bar fights.”

Octavia pouted, trying her best to put on puppy dog eyes- which did absolutely nothing, owing to her terrifying gaze that not even a charm spell could distract from. “What if someone else starts it first?”

Rex sighed, figuring that there was no way he was going to dissuade her inclination towards violence completely. “If someone attacks you first, you are free to defend yourself-”

“Oh, okay, good. C’mon Stephen, let’s get drunk- I mean, uh, get… smart.”

Stephen looked rather confused,“I don’t drink that much alcohol, you can- gah! Slow down!" She’d cut Stephen off by dragging him away in a hurry- just as well, since Rex did not have the words to respond to her last remark.

“She’s going to cause some trouble, I know it…” Rex growled. “Fine. Right. Well, there’s three of us, so it should be quite possible to find any traces of the missing kobolds if we spread out-”

Usagi looked around shiftily. Oh, gods, he’s going to be off trying to steal something, isn’t he. “Well, about that…”

Rex felt that he had to nip the problem in the bud before it grew to be a flower of bad decisions. “You are not allowed to steal anything from innocent civilians! I am trying to cultivate a GOOD reputation!!”

Usagi gave a rather disappointed-looking shrug. “Killjoy. Well, I saw an, ahem, trusted informant on the way in, so I’ll just go get some information out of her. Be back eventually…” Before Rex could ask him to clarify what the hell he meant by that, Usagi had run off.

I can’t figure out what that one is up to. Either he’s a genius or a miscreant…

“Well, I suppose that leaves us…” Rex muttered. “I guess we’ll have to go into the forest ourselves. Hopefully it won’t be too problematic to find what we’re looking for…”

Arandia tapped him on the head. Rex couldn’t discern if the gesture was meant to be friendly or demeaning, considering her obvious height advantage over him. “Tch. At least you’re with me, so you’re better off than those other bitches… at least I can fight. Wouldn’t want to be caught with Stephen in a dark alley…”

“I suppose that’s true. The forest is over that way… let us get a move on.”

Author's Note: finally, the first proper quest chain. and the beginning of a romance subplot, finally! look forward to it.
curious to see which of the main party is people's favorite. if you wish, let me know in a comment if you've got one.

Chapter Text

The Maneki family is quite an anomaly among tabaxi- both physically, in that they’re far pudgier than the ones in the desert- but also because they’re a fair bit less focused on arts and beauty, and more on general useful items.

Most of them live in the Sakura Islands, but many of the younger members tend to leave there to become traveling merchants. If you see a carriage with a rotund feline on top, make sure to give it a look. They always seem to have something you’ll never expect, even unusual gossip.

-The Merchant’s Guide to Trading Abroad

Hm, where is it…

Usagi could have sworn he saw it on the way in. A certain merchant’s cart…

He hoped it was still here, otherwise he’d have accomplished nothing that day, and Rex would certainly blow his top. Thankfully, it didn’t take too long to find it- not that it was hard to find, given how gaudy it was.

This cart was a familiar sight to him. A large sign atop it read “The Lucky Catbox”, and it was covered in signs proclaiming the generous deals found within.

Usagi had been here many times in the past, being well acquainted with the owner- a tabaxi, Fuku Maneki. She always seemed to have useful items, or gossip no one else had heard yet. If anyone knew anything about the mess with disappearing kobolds, it would be her. Hopefully.

If she didn’t know anything, Rex was not going to be happy about him skipping out on actual work, so Usagi hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

At the front was a large dire tiger, leashed to the vehicle by a large chain. It was a familiar sight to Usagi though every time he crossed paths with it, he didn’t like the way it looked at him.

He was hoping it’d be still asleep, but as always, whenever he got close, it awoke as if on cue. It lifted its head, turning towards Usagi with a low grunt as it got to its paws. Well, good morning to you too. The way the beast fixed him with its eyes never failed to send a chill up his spine. Prey instinct at work, perhaps.

“Hello, Khan, just here to see your mistress, don’t mind me…” Usagi said. He didn’t know why, it wasn’t like he could respond back. Khan stared at him for a long minute, licking his lips. I’ve been here before for years, you’d think he would know me by now… After a long, uncomfortable staring contest, he laid back down with a yawn.

Usagi breathed a sigh of relief. Every time he approached this place, he felt like he was being considered for dinner. Fuku claimed he was well trained, but a healthy amount of paranoia hadn’t steered Usagi wrong yet in life.

The counter was a little high for Usagi to reach- thankfully, there was a step stool placed directly in front of the shop window. Perhaps it was for the benefit of the kobolds, but Usagi had seen it enough times to have some suspicions as to who it was really meant for.

Usagi hopped atop it, and rang the little bell on the counter.

RING!

Aw, come on, I was having a nice dream… soft… fluffy…

Fuku blinked, as her blurry surroundings came into focus. The back room of the vehicle was as messy as ever, clothes and shed fur everywhere. It’s not like customers would ever see it, so what did she care? She was enjoying a fine catnap until that noise from the bell so rudely awakened her. Come on, I’m not readyyyy… She was not a morning person in the least.

Whoever that is can wait a few minutes for me to get my beauty rest.

Another ring, more insistent this time. Or not. Ugggghhhh, it’s too EARLY!

“We’re not open yet…” Fuku muttered. “Come back later…” Five more minutes… c’mon…

A handsome, confident voice came from the other side of the window, one that immediately jolted her awake. “Oh dear. I guess I’ll just have to take my business elsewhere, then…”
Fuku’s eyes snapped open, that familiar voice shattering the hold of sleep on her mind. OH. Oh, that’s- Usagi’s here! USAGI’S HERE! She shook her head. What? He’s here?! Oh my gosh, Fuku, focus!! You have to look your best!!

“Uh, um, I’ll- I’ll be right there!! Don’t leave yet, you’ll-” Fuku rolled over, attempting to get to her feet, but failed- falling right out of bed and landing on the floor with a loud crash.

“You’ll, uh, miss out on these bargains! Right!”

Nice save… yeah.

Awkwardly climbing to her feet, Fuku quickly stole a glance from a nearby full body mirror- and the picture was not pretty, to say the least. She had a major case of bed fur, with parts sticking up everywhere. No clothes on, either. Not that she usually slept wearing anything, but in times like this she really regretted that habit.

Oh, come on, I can’t go out in front of him looking like this!! Frantically licking whatever patches of fur looked the least presentable, Fuku desperately attempted to get her looks under control. But every second she took was a possible opportunity for her crus-customer, to get away. Her legs were a mess, but those were hard to reach, and clothes would cover them anyway. It’s fine. Anything below the counter is invisible to him anyway. It’s FINE.

She hurriedly grabbed the first dress she could find out of the dresser. In her struggle, she accidentally ripped the neckline, making it noticeably more… open than it was before.

Argh!! Come on!! I’ll have to get that fixed later… can’t wait any longer! Usagi’s here!! He won’t notice. Probably. Hopefully. Maybe.

Multiple minutes had passed, and the owner was still not present. But Usagi was patient. He knew that Fuku wasn’t a morning person.

Khan, meanwhile, was unappreciative of the repeated noise, growling softly. Fuku, please get here faster, I don’t want to have to-

“Ahem. Sorry to keep you waaaaiting… Oh, was Khan bothering you again?” The curtains of the cart window opened, revealing its owner in all her glory- and more importantly, putting her guard animal at ease. Usagi quietly gulped- no matter how many times he saw her, she was impossible to look away from.

“No, he’s as sleepy as ever…” Usagi lied. The less fights he started with the few people who actually respected him, the better. Especially when they owned enormous cats that could devour him easily.

“Oh, good. You wouldn’t scare off a regalar visitor, would you, you cutie?” Fuku said in a cute voice. Khan purred affectionately in response- a response that nevertheless did not put Usagi at ease.

Fuku was clad in her regular red dress, covered in a pattern of gold coins.  Usagi could have sworn the neckline of the dress was lower than it was last time. Perhaps it was his imagination. A red collar with a golden bell was fastened to her neck- one of her trademarks.

Most tabaxi were rather slender, but Fuku was an exception- she had enough meat on her bones to make a butcher jealous. Her breasts were easily bigger than his head, and her stomach and hips were wide enough to match. If it wasn’t for the stepstool, trying to see her face would be rather difficult. Parts of her red dress were clearly struggling to contain her generous assets, with all the jiggling she made when she made any large movements. In all the time Usagi had known her, she’d never suffered any sort of wardrobe malfunction, somehow.

She was the kind of person that could be intimidating without even trying for a smaller one like him. He’d known her for a long time, so he knew she wasn’t to be feared- but she could be surprisingly shrewd when she wanted to be, and wasn’t to be underestimated.

Fuku, meanwhile, was busy psyching herself up, as subtlely as possible.

Remember, Fuku, today could be the day that you finally work up the courage to ask him. Be on your best behavior!

“Anyway, it’s so nice to see my favorite little rabbit!” Fuku crooned. “It’s been sooooo long since the last time. So, what’re you here for now? Goods? Information? Or-”

“The second option, please. I’m here on business, from a new employer.”

Darn. I should’ve known that line wouldn’t work. I’ll have to start with ‘me’ next time.

“But before that, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you last. How’s life treating you lately?”

Oh, perfect. I can use this! Play it cool, don’t be desperate… even though you are…

Fuku sighed exaggeratedly. “Oh, my parents keep bothering me about marriage. They don’t get it, I don’t WANT to be tied down at this age! Especially not to any of the stuffy nobles they keep trying to set me up with- I’d need somebody who’s more down to earth, y’know?”

Usagi nodded. “Quite. Well, hopefully you’ll find somebody first before they get too impatient…”

Internally, Fuku was trying not to lose it. Oh, come on… that was so obvious! How?! How did he not get it?! Nghgh. “Nobles probably wouldn’t be too happy if they knew you were associating with thieves, after all-”

Fuku hurried to cut him off, laughing nervously. “Nyaha, oh, please, every time we meet, a lot of business comes after. It’s like you’re a living good luck charm, nyaha!” Fuku laughed. That high-pitched giggle was one of her trademarks. “Maybe you should follow me around, I could always use the company… you could be the shop’s mascot!”

“As tempting as that sounds, I have more important things I should be doing…”

All business as usual, huh. Just keep trying, Fuku, you’ll get him eventually… hopefully…

As much as Usagi enjoyed the comfort of somebody he knew wouldn’t try to arrest him or chase him across the globe, he did actually have a job to do.

“Namely, some of the citizens of this place have been disappearing. Perhaps you’ve heard something about that? I know those ears are sensitive, after all.”

Fuku looked startled for a moment. “Oh my, they’re- ahem. Yes, yes they are, I HAVE heard something.” Usagi could have sworn he saw her blushing for a bit when she said that. “I don’t know any specific people you could talk to- most of these kobolds look the same, really- but I do know ONE thing. But, as you know, Usagi, information isn’t free…” Fuku fluttered her eyelashes. “I’ll need something in return, of course. You know, for, ahem, services rendered.”

Usagi had expected this, and came prepared. He pulled a small bag of catnip out of his pocket, and placed it upon the counter. “Oh, we’ve done this enough times by now. I always come bearing gifts for my favorite informant.”

“Ooh, you gentleman, you.” Fuku giggled. She snatched the bag off the counter, and took a huge sniff. “Ohhhh, that’s the good stuff. Anywaaaaay…  Apparently it only started two weeks ago… if it was some kind of animal, you’d think they would have found traces of at least one by now. But nobody’s seen ANYTHING, from what I’ve heard.”

Usagi considered what he’d heard. Odd. If it was some sort of monster, there’d be some sign if they were killed or worse. Blood, torn clothing, something to that effect. Unless they’re very thorough. “How often do these folk enter the forest, anyway?”

Fuku put her hand on her chin and rubbed it pensively. “A lot, it’s where they get all their building stuff from. Usually they travel with buddies, but all the people that have disappeared were one at a time.”

Usagi furrowed his brow. “Curious. What could it mean…”

“I don’t know, that’s not my job, mister investigator.” Fuku giggled. “Although…”

Usagi sighed. Of course she has more. She always does. “All right, what else do you have up your sleeve?” He paused, realizing she wasn’t wearing sleeves. Not that Fuku seemed to notice the flubbed expression.

Fuku continued, fluttering her eyelashes in an attempt to look cute. “Well, something funny happened to me on my way here, that miiiiiight be relevant to you…”

The more useful information I have for Rex, the less likely he’ll be to go on another lecture. I need all I can get!

Usagi leaned in, trying to turn on the charm as high as it would go. “I don’t suppose you would be willing to part with that information, by any chance?”

Fuku didn’t appear to fall for it- she knew him too well for that. “Oh, that info will be worth 500 gold, mister rabbit.”

Usagi didn’t even need to check his pocket to know he didn’t have that much. Most of his pocket money had been confiscated when he was thrown in jail, and what little he’d been able to steal since was nowhere near enough.

“Ah, do you think you could give me an, um, discounted rate…”

Usagi cursed himself. He had shown a moment of weakness, and that was all she needed to take control of the haggling. Usually he could have women falling over him fairly quickly, but Fuku was one of the few exceptions who was never wise to his tricks.

“A discount, you say. How bold of you.” A smug grin creeped slowly across her face. Usagi knew that look- she only wore that face when she knew she was about to get something she really wanted.
And there were only a few things that could be, given their prior history…

She leaned down to make eye contact, the hungry-looking gaze of her slitted pupils making him aware of just how small he was. Between that and her enormous chest resting on the counter, trying to maintain his normal confidence was rather difficult.

“Wellllll, I can’t go any lower… unless you do the thing , then I might be persuaded, nyaha~” She drawled in a lower, almost seductive tone. Whenever she did that, it became supremely difficult to focus. A fact which Usagi was positive she was aware of.

Oh, gods, not this again. Ever since they’d met, there had been an odd routine. One time he’d tried his famous ‘adorable voice’ on her to get her prices down for a smoke bomb- it had worked, but ever since she got wise she couldn’t be haggled down without doing this, or other demeaning activities.

Every time he had to do it, he died a little inside, while she practically melted at how cute he supposedly was. It was incredibly embarrassing.

“Are you certain there isn’t some other way-”

“Nope!” Fuku giggled. “I have to make a living somehow, y’know.”

Fuku was successful enough that she could afford to take a few losses on teasing her favorite bunny man. The voice was funny, of course, but it was also absolutely adorable. Half the time just hearing it was enough to get her excited.

Usagi sighed, then said in his high-pitched cute voice, “Can I pwease have the infowmation? It’s vewy impowtant!”

Ooohhhhhhh, it’s so cute! It’s as cute as ever!! Fnggh, I could just eat him up… Fuku let out a high-pitched squeak, enraptured for a moment by the display of adorability.

“Oh, of COURSE you can, you adorable little rabbit!!” Fuku giggled. “If you do it a little more, I might even give it to you for free, nyaha!”

I knew practicing that old lady voice was a good idea. Every time I do that he looks so flustered, it’s ADORABLE!

After taking a moment to collect herself, she continued. “Right. Well, I had a bizarre dream on my way in- I know it’s weird, but I figured it was worth remembering. There was a voice telling me to go to the forest, or something…”

“A voice. Was there anything special about it?” Usagi mused.

“Yeah, it was really convincing, hard to describe.” Fuku could exactly describe it, it sounded like Usagi to some extent- but she’d be caught dead before telling him that.

“Hm. That’s useful, thank you. I’ll have to bring that up to my employer… thank you as always. It’s a pleasure.” Usagi hopped down off the stool, and turned to walk away.

Frantically, Fuku stammered “Wait, uh, are you busy?? We could, uh, go out to dinner or something… catch up…”. Come on, please!

Usagi shook his head. “Unfortunately, I have to at least appear busy, lest my current employer catch sight of me and drag me into some far more dangerous task than visiting you. If you’re still here by the time I leave, I’ll make sure to make a return trip!”

As Usagi walked away, Fuku slumped forward in slight disappointment. Khan was purring loudly over to the side.

She glared at the tiger, pouting. “If you scare him off, you’re history, mister.”

He let out a loud huff in response, as if laughing. Thanks to being a tabaxi, she could get a better handle on his feelings than most- he was loyal and well trained for the most part- though, he was still a big spoiled kitten at heart.

She couldn’t stay mad at him forever, though. He was too cute with how sleepy he was. Not even being the size of a horse and jaws that could bite off a man’s head could detract from that.
Ignoring the big cat, Fuku was dragged into her thoughts again.

He didn’t even notice that I ripped the neckline of this dress! He can’t be THAT dumb, can he? Hmph. I’ll have to get some carrot-themed perfume next time… Maybe THEN he’ll pay more attention to me. Darn. One day, Fuku, one day you’ll get him-

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sight of something important on the counter.

Usagi had left some of his fluff behind on the counter. Harengon often did that. Fuku looked around furtively. No one appeared to be watching, so she carefully swept the bit of fluff off the counter and into her hand.
She had a place for it.

Author's Note: ah yes, finally one of my favorite characters to write. hopefully the cheesy flirting and tension was worth the wait, it was certainly painful to not be writing this sooner.
Also, Rhaegarthulae (@Dragon_Tamer8 on twitter) made this art of Arandia. It's so good, give him a follow!!

Chapter Text

People in dire straits or in need of good fortune will occasionally refer to the “Goddess of Luck”, praying to her in the hopes that good tidings will come their way.

In truth, the Goddess of Luck does not exist. Rather, all prayers to her go to a communal list on Deus Mons, free for any of the Higher Gods to take care of anonymously if they so choose.

The reason for this is unknown- perhaps the Higher Gods wish to prevent another major deity from arising from people’s common belief, or they are simply bored. Managing the entire world must be a stressful job, and presumably they are in need of diversions as much as anyone else.

-The Secret History of Deities, Demons, and Devils

The bar thankfully was not hard to find for Stephen and Octavia, given that the sign read “The Tender Bar” in large wooden letters.

Stephen chuckled at the name. Octavia, however, was confused. “I don’t get it.”

Stephen turned to Octavia. “It’s a bit of clever wordplay, the word ‘bartender’ being reversed, ‘tender bar’.”

Octavia nodded. “Ohhh, that’s what it means. I thought they misspelled tinder, or something… like, because beer makes you feel warm inside, like a fire…”

“Oh, that’s a colorful description, I’ll have to use that.” Stephen pulled out his notebook, jotted it down, then walked inside.

Predictably, everything was shorter on the inside of the bar, given what race the citizenry were. The place was fairly deserted, which made sense given the time of day, but boded poorly for their attempts at investigating.

Behind the counter was a lizardfolk, her skin a pleasant emerald green, clad in a simple dark green dress. Oh my, that matches rather well with the glint of her scales… she has good taste. Since she was busy polishing a glass- which he looked at, seeing a silver ring on her finger. Presumably she was the bartender.

Octavia leaned over, whispering into Stephen’s ear. “Hey, Stephen, you should try asking her out, bet she has real sharp teeth to nibble with-”

Stephen was briefly caught off guard by the audacity of that statement- thankfully, the bartender didn’t appear to hear it. “I appreciate the encouragement, but she has a wedding ring that wouldn’t go very smoothly.”

Octavia slumped over, disappointed. “Oh. Darn. I mean, you don’t KNOW if that’s a wedding ring… she could just be all blinged up, y’know?”

Ah, to be blissfully oblivious of the ways of the heart… Stephen put his hand on Octavia’s shoulder. “Listen, romance is a complicated and difficult road. In all my experience, I have learned very important lessons-”

Octavia tilted her head like a confused puppy. “I thought you barely had any successes, weren’t you complaining about that earlier?”

Stephen shrugged. “Losing frequently just means you know what not to do, so even painful experiences are invaluable sometimes... And one of those lessons is that rings are much more often than not a sign that someone is off limits to wandering hearts such as myself. In such cases, opening up with something smaller, like complimenting their looks, or asking about the weather, will typically let you gauge their status. Usually.” He put his hand on his chin. “Of course, sometimes they reject you instantly anyway…”

Octavia nodded sagely. “Ohhh, I get it. Half the time when I try to get new converts to follow Zarnath, they just run screaming… it must be similar.”

All she did was hand me her book… I find it hard to believe that she could inspire such reactions that easily through that method. “Compared to winning someone’s heart, distributing your literature would seem a lot less difficult, I would think…” Stephen mused. “What methods have you used? Perhaps I could give some feedback.”

Octavia started counting on her fingers. “A lot of them, actually… knocking on their doors, throwing them through windows if they don’t open them, dropping down their chimneys...”

Ah. That makes considerably more sense.“Hm. I can see why that wouldn’t go over well. Sometimes, a more subtle, gentle approach is needed when approaching the bramble of social constructs that is civilized society.”

“But being subtle’s boooooring.” Octavia moaned. “If you can’t be LOUD, what’s the point-”

“Uh…” The bartender interjected from across the room, in a somewhat peeved tone. “Are you two gonna buy anything? There’s not much to window shop for, here.”

“Oh! Yes, please.” Stephen sidled up to the counter, anxious to not make a bad first impression. “You don’t happen to have any wine, do you? I have a bit of an, ahem, refined palate-”

“Where the hell do you think this is?” The scaled lady said, incredulously. “We got beer, beer, and more beer.” Excellent job, Stephen… you’re already painting a rather obnoxious picture.

“I’ll take one of all three of those!!” Octavia piped up, thankfully attracting the bartender’s attention away from Stephen.

“...right.” The lizardfolk filled up three mugs and left them on the counter for Octavia. She grabbed one with her hands, and the other two with tentacles, being surprisingly careful not to spill any. With a few quick gulps, she’d downed the first mug almost instantly.

Slamming the mug on the counter, she let out a loud belch. “Oohhhh, that’s better. Anywaaay, where are we supposed to find people to interrogate for details on those missing little guys? Not that I’d mind gettin’ a little tipsy and saying we tried, but then I’d have to hear Big Red yell at us, and I’d really rather not…”

“That is the question, isn’t it…” Stephen looked around. The place was practically deserted, an unfortunate byproduct of coming here in the middle of the day. Perhaps it would be prudent to wait here, see who comes in.

“Hey, Stephy, come look at this.” Octavia pointed at a large stain on the end of the short wooden counter. It was a fair bit darker than one would expect, but once one noticed it, they couldn’t unsee it. “What the heck is this stain on the counter, anyway? It doesn’t look like the beer stains on the rest of it…”

Stephen, wondering why this of all things was attracting her attention, responded. “I don’t know, but this is why people typically varnish wooden counters-”

“Hey, you two. Pink suit. Purple robes.” Stephen turned around, before quickly locating the source of the smooth voice. A kobold with a black, hooded cloak was sitting at a table in a dark corner of the bar. His green snout was poking out from under the hood, grinning mischievously. He beckoned with a scaly finger. “C’mon over here.”

Stephen was given pause by the suspicious timing of this interjection. “This man seems rather suspicious…” He muttered. It can’t be that easy to fulfill our objective, can it?

Octavia quickly sucked down her second beer, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. “Eh, I’d be suspicious to most people too. He’s probably-hic-fine.” Sauntering over to the table, she regarded the hooded kobold with enthusiasm. “What’s up, mister, got somethin’ to tell us?”

The kobold chuckled, producing a pair of dice from within his cloak. “Kollin’s the name. I know everyone and everything here, so if you really need some dirt, I’m your man… if you can win in a friendly game, of course.”

Stephen adjusted his glasses, “A most interesting offer… could you possibly tell us more about the disappearances lately?” He seems too confident to be lying about knowing something. And I would be a fool to not take advantage of a potential lead…

Kollin smirked toothily. “Let’s make this interesting with a little wager, shall we?” Kollin put two pairs of dice on the table. “We each cough up fifty gold, roll these dice. Whoever gets higher gets double. And, since you asked… I’ll even throw that dirt you asked for in as a little bonus.”

Stephen narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “How do I know you’re actually telling the truth, good sir? After all, you’re offering valuable information…”

“Eh, don’t worry. If he tries anything-” Octavia interrupted her thought with a loud belch before continuing. “I’ll just break his legs, real good… break ‘em until they can’t walk anymooooore.” Octavia piped up, before immediately gulping her third beer. “HEY, BARKEEP, I NEED MORE OVER HERE!!”

Ignoring his increasingly drunken compatriot, Stephen dug out the requisite amount of gold from his pocket, and handed it to the slimy-sounding kobold. “Hmph. Fine. Here you go-” He tried to sit down, but the short height of the table made it a tad difficult. Kollin seemingly noticed, because he start snickering.

“Oh, we got a spare table for bigger folks like you right over there.” Kollin drawled, pointing to the back end of the bar- where, indeed, there was a normal table. “C’mon over and we’ll get this thing started.” Stephen eased himself onto a stool, sizing up his diminutive opponent. There’s no way it would be that easy. Would it? Just get a better roll… and he’ll tell us. It’s worth a shot, I suppose…

“Your move, pink suit.” Kollin drawled. The bartender had brought over several more mugs of beer for Octavia to down, which she was doing at a rapid pace- seemingly no worse for wear. Suppose that chaos god ancestry has some perks…

Stephen picked up the two dice on his side of the table, and the two rolled. Damn. His dice came up with snake eyes, where Kollin’s had two sixes. “Oh, too bad. If you want to try again, you’ll have to cough up a little more…”

“Very well.” Could have been a fluke. Let’s see… After Stephen coughed up more gold, the two rolled again, only to get a similar result- a one and a three, and two sixes.

Stephen grimaced. “Hmph. That’s… not ideal.” Kollin could only laugh snidely in response. “Bad luck, pink suit… want to try again?”

There’s no way that two dice would roll the same result, every time. That’s ludicrous. There has to be some sort of trick. Stephen pointed to the dice. “Octavia, could you roll these for me? Perhaps I may be cursed.”

“Maybe the goddess of luck will favor your friend more, heh heh.” Kollin smirked. The more he spoke, the more Stephen’s ire grew, despite his attempts at being a gentleman.

Octavia, who was on her eighth beer and starting to show it, lurched over to the table, hiccuping profusely. “Got it, St-hic! Stephy…” She clumsily grabbed the dice on his side, and rolled them- a one and a two. Again?! Something’s wrong here.

Octavia seemed to agree, slamming the mug in her hand on the table in a fit of drunken annoyance. “Whaaaat?! This is-” Another belch. “This is RIGGED. Rigged worse than that ship we were on, HIC.” But something else happened. One of her stray tentacles accidentally shook the table- making Kollin’s dice fall off the side…

And they landed on two sixes. Kollin snatched them up off the floor quickly, but Stephen had already noted it- and the gears were turning in his head. Luck is one thing, but having them land on sixes even when they fall off the table… no. No, that’s not realistic. Those dice must be a trick.

Stephen clenched his fist, announcing his intent in a dry tone far different than his usual flamboyance. “All right, sir- I’ll make my accusation official- I think you’re cheating. Getting two sixes, three times in a row? That defies all reasonable logic.”

Kollin didn’t seem to react. “Oh, that. I’ve just developed a special way of throwing the dice. Nothing in the rules against that, is there?” Kollin said, snidely.

Octavia looked like her blood was about to boil out of her head, her tentacles looking ready to snake across the table and throttle the annoying kobold. “Listen here, you- HIC- I wasn’t lying about breaking your- HIC- legs, so you’d better not be-”

“Patience, my friend…” Stephen moved his hand in front of her to stop any potential assault. They weren’t going to get any of their money back by picking a fight- but they could if they played this smartly.

Stephen didn’t trust this kobold as far as he could throw him- and even though kobolds were light, he was weak enough that it wasn’t far at all. Hmph. This one’s not going to admit it unless I prove it… well, I guess I’ll have to do just that. “Really, now. If that’s truly the case that you have a special method…” Then there should be no problem with getting an outside hand to verify it. Just to rule it out, of course.

Stephen snatched up the dice and sidled up to the bartender, who was still busy polishing the same glass. Either that thing was really dirty, or she was trying to kill time. Either way, it should be no trouble to make this simple request. “Excuse me, ma’am? Could you roll these for me? You don’t seem to be particularly busy.”

“Do I look like a ma’am to you? I’m in my early thirties, thank you very much.” The lizardfolk bartender hissed. Yet another strike… keep your head up, old boy.

Stephen took a polite bow, trying not to annoy their host any more than he had to. “My sincere apologies, miss. But I need your assistance in verifying whether a certain patron is up to board.”

After a long pause, during which she was probably thinking about whether it was worth her time to deal with this, she sighed. “Fine. Give me those.” But that pause got Stephen’s hackles up even more. Why did she have to think so hard about it? Could it be- no, it’s probably nothing. She rolled the dice- two sixes.

And the copper piece drops. Stephen turned towards Kollin, adjusting his glasses menacingly. “Well? Still going to claim that it’s a result of your throwing abilities?”

Kollin looked around nervously. “Well, she could just be, heh, good with her hands-”

A withering look from the bartender put a stop to that comment, making Kollin cough before continuing. “Anyway, you can’t prove anything from that.”
Is this man serious? Fine. I’ll prove it myself. “Fine. You roll my dice then.”

Kollin started laughing nervously. “What? What would- what would that do?”

Stephen held out the two dice he’d been given, a devilish grin crossing his face as he pushed his glasses farther up on the bridge of his nose. They can’t be loaded, since they rolled different results earlier. So, unless he really IS perfect at throwing, which is unlikely- if he rolls these, his trick will be exposed. “If they’re just normal dice, your throwing method should be perfect, shouldn’t it?” Stephen grinned. Ha! He won’t be able to weasel his way out of that one.

Kollin growled, hesitating. Stephen knew he’d discovered the trick, and it felt immensely gratifying.

“Ah… Guess you’ve got me, huh? Clever bastard.” Kollin pulled out a dagger, and started playing with it- with enough dexterity to show that he knew how to use it.

“You still lost, though, so I get to keep your gold, heh. You agreed, after all. And cheating’s fair game as long as you don’t get caught, get me? Unless you want to take this outside, or something…”

“What?! You little scaly- you wanna- HIC- lose your spine?! Give us back our gold, or we’ll- I don’t know what yet, but you won’t like it!!” Octavia raged, her tentacles roiling in anticipation for brutal violence.
Stephen narrowed his eyes. “I think I do ‘get you’. Fine. In that case, I have a game of my own I’d like to propose.”

He says cheating is allowed? That’s an interesting proposal… unfortunately for him, I’ve got far longer sleeves to hide tricks in than him. “Let’s make this more interesting, shall we?” Stephen grinned. “I guarantee i’ll win the next five throws of the dice. If you can’t figure out how before five throws are up… you’ll have to pay double what you won.”

Kollin chortled in disbelief.“And why would I agree to that?”

“Well, if I lose, I’ll pay YOU double what we lost.”

A brief pause ensued, as the competitors sized each other up. Kollin broke into a toothy grin. “I like your confidence, pink suit. Fine. Hey, Khloe! Give us another round, would ya?”

Sighing, Khloe brought three more beers, one of which Octavia immediately yoinked with a tentacle, dipping it inside the mug to savor the taste, before downing the rest. Floating another mug in front of Stephen, she slurred. “Heeyyyy, Stephy, want one? It might give you some courage for… whatever cool thing you’re about to do.”

“I’ll save it for after the rolls, thank you.” Stephen chuckled. “After all, he’s about to lose.”

Octavia stared at the table, her vision blurry. Stephen was busy rolling the dice, taking an absurd amount of time to do so. I wonder what Stephy’s plottin’ up in that big forehead of his… he’s definitely got somethin’, but what…

“First roll.” Stephen rolled the two dice- two sixes. “Good.”

“Second roll…” Again- two sixes. Stephen was grinning devilishly, while the green kobold was starting to fume. Octavia still couldn’t figure out what the deal was- but she was getting a twinge of something that set off her senses.

Whoa… I wonder what he’s up to, I can feel some magic going on, but- no, no, don’t talk about it yet, you can brag laterrrrr… and really rub it in that stupid green face! She could not, however, stop herself from giggling madly at Stephen’s audacity, which just annoyed the kobold more.

“Third roll.” Once again- the best outcome, which made Kollin pound on the table in annoyance, before returning to his cool facade.

“All right, you’re clearly up to something.” Kollin peered at the dice, picked them up- but he couldn’t seem to find anything wrong with them.

“I don’t know what you mean, good sir.” A wry smile creeped across Stephen’s face. “Perhaps the Goddess of Luck has smiled upon me?” All Kollin could do was growl in response.

“Hahahaha, Stephy’s smarter than yooooouuu…” Octavia threw an arm around Stephen’s shoulder, and a tentacle ruffling his pink hair. “That’s what you GET, you little idiot.”

“No need to gloat just yet, two more rolls to go.” With a shake and release, one more pair of sixes graced the bar table. Kollin was really starting to sweat now. Well, kobolds couldn’t sweat, being reptilian, but he looked like he would be.

Octavia still couldn’t figure out what Stephen was doing, but it had to be magical. Ooh, I wonder what he’s doing… the first thing I would’ve thought of would be to recruit a baby mimic like Dad once did, but he’s got something else! She was excited. Taking another swig of her beer, she announced. “Come on, Stephy, send him crying home!!”

“How- how are you doing this?!” Kollin growled. “It’s not- you can’t-”

“Oh, but I can.” Stephen said smugly. “Last roll.”

Time seemed to slow down for a moment, before the dice clattered to the table- one six, then another. “Game, set, match.”

“YEAH!!” Octavia slammed her mug on the counter. “In your FACE!” Some of the beer inside splashed out of the mug, and onto the dice. But something was immediately off about it- something that both Kollin and Octavia noticed at once!

Oh, wow, THAT’s how he did it?! He’s way smarter than me!!

The beer wasn’t visible on the dice, despite clearly splashing on top of them. “Well, I suppose I can give the game away now that I’ve won…” Stephen chuckled. He snapped his fingers, making the dice flicker for a moment- before reverting to normal, beer-soaked dice- with two ones, no less. “Perhaps you can catch someone else who uses that same trick later.”

Kollin shook his head in disbelief, grimacing. “You- that’s how- Illusion magic, huh? You sly bastard.”

“It’s almost imperceptible on such small objects. Child’s play, really…” Stephen shrugged. “Now, are you going to give us our prize?”

“...fine. Guess I lost fair and square… KHLOE!” Kollin hollered over to the bartender. “Go get these fellows their money.”

“I told you eventually someone would catch on. You’ve got to get better methods for this!” Khloe chided, wagging her finger annoyedly, before going to the back room.

“Yeah, yeah… I’ve never had to deal with a gods-damned illusionist before. Hmph.” Kollin took a swig of the beer next to him. “Clever bastard.” The way those two were interacting seemed way too chummy, to the point that even Octavia could finally realize what was happening. Wait… oh. OH.

Stephen’s hope that catching the scam artist red-handed would make the bartender look at him a little more favorably was short-lived. Something caught Stephen off guard at the way the bartender and Kollin interacted. It seemed… too familiar. And what bartender would allow a scam artist to operate openly within their establishment, unless- “Wait, you two- were working together?!”

“Sure am, we’ve been married for years! I even changed my name to begin with a K!” Khloe sat down at a nearby chair, completely enclosing her husband’s much smaller hand in hers. “He’s the one that got me this place, after all, with all the money he brings in… Hehehe. He’s so clever!”

Some part of Stephen was disappointed and a tiny bit jealous at how affectionate she was towards Kollin. But then again, if she’s willing to work with an open scam artist and be complicit in his schemes, perhaps we would not be a good match in the first place.

Kollin finished chugging his alcohol, and set the mug down, before turning back to Stephen, regarding him with some level of annoyance- but also respect. “Right. If you don’t tell anyone else about this, we’ll pay ya and we can be on our separate ways. Deal?”

“We’ll take it.” Stephen shook his hand and took the bag of gold Khloe passed to him, before remembering the reason he came here in the first place. “Oh, right. There’s been some disappearances around here recently… you don’t strike me as the type to engage in trafficking, but you wouldn’t happen to-”

“GODS no, you crazy?” Kollin interrupted. “Scammin’s one thing, but I wouldn’t stoop to things like that…” He rubbed his chin pensively. “Fine, I’ll tell ya. Got woken up by Khloe in the middle of the night a few days ago. She was sleepwalking, muttering about needing to go to the woods…” He rubbed a bruise on his face. “I had to grab her tail and pull it ‘til she woke up, but she still managed to wallop me one before then. Hell if I was gonna let anything happen!”

“If it weren’t for Kollin’s ridiculously tight grip on my tail, I’d probably have disappeared too…” Khloe said. “He’s much stronger than he looks, heh…” Lizardfolk couldn’t blush, but the glint in her eyes looked to Stephen like she was thinking about something more private.

“Heyyy, you two…” Octavia lifted up her head from the table, a string of drool hanging from her mouth rather grossly. “What the heck is that stain at the end of the bar counter, anyway? It’s been bothering me since we came in… why would you only stain one part of a counter? You should make a mess of ALL of it…”

Kollin was clearly struggling not to laugh. “Oh, that’s nothing you should be concerned over. No reason to clean it, since it’s not- OW!” 

“Shush, hubby.” A swift slap to the back of his head from Khloe’s tail had cut him off, along with a fierce glare. Perhaps this is not a wise line of questioning… I’d better leave this alone. “Anyway, hopefully you can figure this out… you seem almost as smart as my hubby over here.” Kollin looked slightly peeved at that remark, but didn’t say anything, probably to protect his dignity.

“That is the idea, yes. Thank you both for your help, and the mental exercise.” The duo of scammers left Stephen and Octavia to their table- and only now could Stephen finally notice the pile of mugs Octavia had been building up, which were all over the nearby short table.

“Good job, Stephy!! Here, have a mug- HIC- to celebrate your victory!!” Octavia dangled a frothy mug of beer in front of him. “You’ve earned it for that brainy move… my head would explode before I come up with somethin’ like thaaat.”

Stephen gulped nervously. “Well, I usually don’t drink that much very often… I can’t hold my liquor very well, being so slender-”

“Heyyyyy, c’mon, one mug won’t hurt ya…” Octavia slid the full mug over to him, wiggling it to attract more of his attention. “Besides, you’ve done the work you were supposed to, Rex won’t complain! Probably. And if he does, who cares, he needs to get that stick out of his butt.”

Stephen thought for a moment. She was right, he HAD accomplished what he’d set out to do. “Well, I suppose one drink couldn’t hurt…”

Ten minutes later, Stephen was completely plastered- and together with the similarly inebriated Octavia, were wandering off down the street, making quite a bit of noise.

“And these- hic- people that write fan letters, half the time they don’t understand my VISION. No, the dragons cannot turn into humans in the end just so they can consummate! That DEFEATS the ENTIRE PURPOSE! If I wanted to write about PEOPLE, I’d just DO THAT INSTEAD-”

He tripped and nearly fell over, but Octavia propped him up with a spare tentacle.

“I hear you, Stephy- hic- those people don’t get it! Ugly people, monsters, deserve love too! That’s one of dad’s- hic- most important teachings!”

“Your father-” Stephen burped, loudly. “I suppose it’s gratifying to know that an actual deity thinks the same way I do… maybe I should pray to HIM for inspiration!”

“Ooh, he’d love that! Anything to spread his message farther- chaos shall reign, order is a construct of society that restricts us!” Octavia let out a loud belly laugh that was interrupted by a thunderous burp, sending them both into hysterics.

“Once I get some money, I might have to- hic- commission ya, to write something about a tentacle monster…” She belched. “Officially branded spicy literature of the Cult of Zarnath, now that’s a method I haven’t- hic- tried before!”

As Stephen laughed uproariously, Octavia noticed something, out of the corner of her eye. For just a second, his hand turned gray, as if the color on it was just an illusion… before immediately turning back to normal.

Huh. Wonder what that could mean. Maybe he’s got a skin condition or something. Cool! Maybe he’ll be cuter if it gets worse… but then he’d be sick, so… nah, never mind.

“Oh… Rex’s short uncle didn’t tell us where the heck the inn is.” Octavia grumbled.

“Ah, well… we can just wait for him here outside… I’m sure he’ll come find us eventually, he seems like he’s got a sense for idle hands, ha!” Stephen chortled.

The duo staggered off down the street, cackling and blathering to each other.

Authors Note: Wow, I managed to write 3000 words for this chapter in a single day. That's a new record!
Also, here's some more art courtesy of @Dragon_Tamer8 on Twitter of Rex. It's incredible as usual, give him a follow!!

Chapter Text

The Kingdom of Dragonia was the largest casualty in the Gaian Empire’s reign of terror so far.

The Empire will claim that they were the aggressor in all their propaganda, but that is not consistent with their largely isolationist stance at the time.

Regardless of what sparked the initial conflict between the Gaian Empire and Dragonia, the end came swiftly and decisively, thanks to the sheer destructive force the Empire wielded.

Currently a puppet king rules what once was a proud kingdom.

Only four people are known to have escaped from the kingdom unharmed. One of the family’s servants, the grandmother of the then-current king, an older princess that abdicated the succession… And the crown prince, Rex Malum Brimstone. Their whereabouts, or if they are even alive, are all unknown.

The nearby settlement of Koboldia is the only reason the puppet state of Dragonia, and thus, the Empire has not expanded far past their border- largely out of loyalty to the old regime. Governor Seozaynnae was a strong supporter of Dragonia, and refuses to accept the orders of anyone not part of the royal line.

-The History the Empire Doesn’t Want YOU to Know!

Spacey and Celeste were on their way to the large mansion in the center of town, and it was not taking long for a one-sided tension to form.

“Rex’s uncle didn’t tell us anything about what the governor of this place looks like…” Celeste mused, chipper as ever. “But it’s fine! Fate will lead us to our objective, as it always does!”

Spacey, meanwhile, was struggling to keep her exact thoughts on Celeste’s religion out of her head. Ugggghhhh. I certainly hope it does, because if I have to listen to any more of your proselytizing I’m going to fall asleep!

Arriving at the building, it did not appear to be guarded. Unlike the rest of the ramshackle homes in this place, it seemed to be built with a much more careful touch- not that that meant much given the surroundings.

The entrance was a large set of double doors flanked on either side by large wooden pillars, and the house’s wooden walls were marked by the scars of electricity. Governor must be a bronze or a blue dragon, then, they breathe electricity… and if it was a blue, we probably would’ve found out by now. Those ones are MEAN.

“I wonder if they called in an outside architect for this, I don’t think kobolds can build something this large…” Spacey muttered. “And if the governor’s a dragon, they wouldn’t settle for anything less.”

Celeste turned to her, the familiar look of confusion in her eyes. “How do you know that?” And Spacey would not pass up the opportunity to blather about HER heritage now that Rex wasn’t around to hog that conversation.

“Well, as I was raised by draconic nobility- a silver and gold pair if you’re curious- I know more about them than most, and the most prominent trait across all types is having a big head.”

“Obviously they’d have big heads, they’re bigger than most people…” Celeste interrupted. I swear, if this lady was any more dense sometimes she’d be heavier than ME.

“I meant in a metaphorical sense. They want to have the most of something, the most valuable, the biggest, et cetera…” Spacey gestured her thumb at the nearby house, whose brick chimney was full of holes and looked like it would collapse at any second. “And the resident builders… do not seem capable of the finer details.” Spacey curtsied to accentuate the feminine air she was trying to give off. Celeste did not seem to be impressed.

“Huh. Well… let’s head inside!” Celeste moved to open the door, before Spacey grabbed her hand to stop her.

“No, no, no no no. You can’t just show up unannounced to a dragon’s residence, otherwise they’ll think you’re an intruder and vaporize you!! My dad nearly burned a mailman alive thinking he was trying to steal one of his books!”

Celeste raised an eyebrow, clearly not taking what Spacey was saying seriously, much to her annoyance. “That sounds more like a problem with him rather than a common trait…”

“Anyway, it would be prudent to announce oneself before entering.” Spacey did not need to clear a throat that she did not have, but imitated the sound anyway for dramatic effect. “Ahem. NOBLE DRACONIC GOVERNOR, WE HAVE COME TO BESEECH YOUR AID!”

The two waited a few seconds for a response. None came, unless the crumbling sound of the nearby chimney could be called one.

“What if the governor’s asleep?” Celeste broke the awkward pause.

Spacey shrugged. “Then we’ll have to come back later, because sleeping dragons are very hard to wake, and impossible to negotiate with-”

“I’m sure they’ll understand, come on already!” Celeste threw the door open and hurried inside, completely taking the steam out of Spacey’s words. Fine, don’t blame me if you get zapped… I tried to warn you…

Annoyed, she followed her companion inside, hoping that Celeste wouldn’t commit some terrible faux pas.

The duo entered, and beheld a small room with a desk, a table, and three chairs. None of it was particularly ostentatious, which was unusual for a draconic residence. Spacey wondered if the governor was one of those types that preferred to keep their hoard in cash.

Sitting at the desk was a smallish bronze dragon, about the size of a large horse. He had small reading glasses on, and was busy paging through a copy of The Complete Unabridged History of Magitech, Volume 2.

The name tag on his desk read, Udhieren- Secretary to the Governor. Next to it was a small bell. Huh. He’s the secretary? Little smaller than I’m used to, all my family members are way bigger than this… Shrugging, Spacey tapped the bell, which was enough to get his attention out of the book he was reading.

Udhier looked up, adjusting his glasses. “Oh, visitors. State your business.”

“Uh, we’re here to meet the governor of this place…” Celeste announced. “We’re here investigating the disappearances around town, and we were hoping she’d have some useful information!”

The small dragon squinted, before coming to a realization. “Oh, you’re the ones Khalib was talking about. There’s an appointment already made thanks to him, which is just as well given how busy Governor Seozay usually is. Well, unfortunately, she’s asleep at the moment, so you’ll have to wait a bit. Have a seat.”

WIth that, he went back to his book. Celeste, seemingly unsatisfied with the answer, tried to get Udhier’s attention. “Um… Do you have any idea when she’ll be awake?”

Without taking his eyes off his book, the only response he gave was a simple “No.”

Celeste pressed further. “Is… there a usual time she gets up, or-”

Udhier sighed. “She gets up when she wants to. You’re lucky you have an appointment already, or she might be asleep all day. Is there anything else?”

“No…” Celeste marched over to one of the chairs in the back of the room, grumbling to herself. “How rude. You’d think metallic dragons would have some manners…”

“Oh, you have so much to learn,” said Spacey. “The metallic dragons are usually on the side of good, but being good doesn’t necessarily mean being nice. My dad, for instance, can be a holy terror if somebody puts a book back in the wrong place… he’d never HURT anybody, but when you have somebody going on a huge tirade about alphabetization, you tend to forget that sometimes.”

Celeste looked up. “What’s the rest of your family like?”

Spacey was all too happy to brag. “Oh, my big sister… she’s so cool. Constantly going on about trying to find treasure and get rich… she hasn’t found any last I checked, but hopefully she can have a hoard to call her own one day! She’s certainly dedicated enough for it…”

Celeste looked enraptured by Spacey’s words. “What about your mom? What’s she like?”

Spacey took a moment before responding. Talking about that wasn’t something she shared as often. “...she’s the one that kept the whole family anchored, really. An expert on ancient ruins and artifacts, she could go on for hours about that. She’s the one who dug me up, actually… raised me alongside her own hatchlings.”

“Oh, that’s adorable!” Celeste gushed. “You’ll have to introduce me to your family at some point, they sound sooo interesting!”

“Yeah.” Thoughts about her currently missing mother flooded back into her head. Spacey tried to push them away, she didn’t have TIME to think about that. Yet. Spacey hoped that Celeste wouldn’t press further- thankfully, her density didn’t come into play this time.

Desperate to get her mind off depressing topics, Spacey scanned the table for anything to occupy herself. On the table was nothing but rather low-brow publications- like The Sassy Satyr , where she knew Stephen published his latest novels. Unfortunately, much of the other content contained within was not up to the same standard in her experience.

Flipping through it briefly, one article caught her eye. It read, How to bring all the drakes to the yard- the latest in perfumes and incense! Spacey put the magazine back. Those things are full of lies. I would know- I’ve tried. 

She paused for a second. But… on the other hand, there might be a new thing in here I haven’t tried yet… She picked the magazine back up and began reading.

Celeste, meanwhile, was similarly bored and annoyed. She was used to being ignored- Asteron was not a popular deity despite her best efforts, but the constant annoyance did not help.

Uuugh, come on. Should’ve come here a bit later, if only our ship crashed at noon, or something…

A kobold cracked open the door, interrupting Celeste’s thoughts. He was dragging what looked like a very heavy wooden crate behind him, to her astonishment. That thing’s even bigger than him, how can he even carry that? He must be really strong…

He was a sickly shade of green, and surprisingly muscular for his species, low as that bar was. At least it explained how he dragged the box up the stairs. His tail had a club at the end instead of the typical point.

Panting, the kobold rang the bell to draw Udhier’s attention. “The governor’s coffee shipment is here, where should I put it?”

Udhier didn’t even attempt to look up from his book. “Put it in the room down the hall, in the large cabinet. The governor will get it later.”

“Right. Thank you.” The kobold moved down the hall, lugging the heavy box behind him. Spacey thought about asking to help him, but she thought he seemed like he could handle it himself. Celeste, meanwhile, would not let an opportunity to do a good deed pass her by, lest a potential convert slip away. Getting up, she put on her best good samaritan voice. “That looks really heavy, do you need some help with that?”

“N-no, it’s fine…” The kobold grunted. He was clearly struggling, though.

“Are you sure? With those skinny arms, you might hurt yourself.” Celeste started to pick up the box. “It’s not THAT heavy…”

The kobold quickly grabbed the box away from her, dropping it on his foot in the process. “Ow! My arms are not THAT skinny, I don’t need your help, tree-fucker! BUZZ OFF!” He snapped, dragging the box away, leaving Celeste in complete shock.

“Did you hear what he just called me?!” She raged. “How rude!! I do not do such unsavory things with natural flora!”

Spacey looked up from the magazine she was reading to briefly acknowledge the spat. “Yeah, guess he really didn’t need help with his coffee box. That thing was huge… the governor must drink a heck of a lot of it.”

Something about the way he refused so quickly made Celeste suspicious… but it could just as easily be simple rudeness. Regardless, she got the hint, flopping back down on the chair in a huff. “Half the people in this place need to learn some respect for the clergy!” Celeste pouted.

While Celeste was busy getting insulted, Spacey had turned her attention to the dragon secretary. Looking him up and down, she appraised her options. He was fairly scrawny and small for a dragon, with slender arms and not much meat on his bones.

He looks a little young to be running an entire place like this by himself… eh, you know what they say about good things in small packages. And besides, he’s probably bored of this job… a little excitement might ignite something, hee hee. Spacey sidled up to the desk, trying her best to look dainty and feminine- which was rather difficult given that she was made entirely of metal and clanked with half her steps, but she could try her best.

“Heyyyy, cutie, looks like your hoard’s a little empty… I could always help fill it.”

Udhier looked rather confused. “What?”

Eh? Oh, come on… Spacey struggled to maintain her composure at  “I mean, are you doing anything later? You seem, uh, lonely at this desk

Udhier sighed. “I don’t know what you’re trying to pull, but, flirting is not going to make the governor get up any faster. Are there any other absurd tactics, or can I finish this chapter sometime today?”

Spacey had no words to respond to that except for a simple “Sorry.” Ouch. Chin up, Spacey, perhaps the governor will be less rude-

“Ahem… sorry I’m late...” Spacey was interrupted by a loud, rumbling, feminine voice. Oh. Oh no.

The large door at the back of the room opened, and a much larger bronze dragon peeked through. Judging by the displeased tone in her voice, she had probably heard most of that- much to Spacey’s increasing horror.

“Did you need something important, or were you just trying to seduce my son?”

Ohhhh, my gods… Spacey wanted to crawl into a hole and rust, she was so embarrassed. Thankfully, Celeste came to the rescue, preventing her from having to explain herself. “Um, yes, miss, governor, ma’am, we’re here investigating a spate of disappearances recently, Khalib sent us!”

“Oh, him. Again? Every time he comes here it’s always something… I can’t exactly meet you out there, come in.” She turned to Spacey, glaring. “And… please wait until after work hours to hit on my son, he doesn’t need more distractions, thank you.”

“Mother, please.” Udhi sighed. “It’s not that big of a deal…” But the governor drew her head back through the door, ignoring him.

As soon as the governor was out of earshot, Celeste’s serene demeanor shattered like a window in a storm. “Son-” Celeste whirled over to Spacey, her eye twitching out of brain-breaking rage. “Oh my Asteron, that’s her son!! What are you thinking?”

Spacey’s tone turned defensive. “How was I supposed to know that?!” Seriously, how?! Rex’s uncle didn’t tell me anything!

“There’s only one dragon in the village that you’ve heard of, it can’t be that hard to connect the dots!!” Celeste let out a deep sigh, putting her usual serene face back on. “It’s fine. Just… can you wait outside for a minute, lest you make our first impression even worse…”

“Fine.” Spacey grumbled, shuffling outside the office, while Celeste stormed inside. Hmph. Rude. I didn’t think it was THAT cringeworthy…

As Celeste entered the office, her jaw dropped at its scale. In the center was a large pile of cushions that the governor, roughly the size of an elephant, was sitting on, along with a large stone name tag that read- Governor Seozaynnae of Koboldia.

One wall of her office was filled with sending stones, all with names listed under them. Clearly she’s a governor who kept a close eye on her subjects. Another wall was full of random knicknacks. And behind her were several small doors, kobold-sized, with bells above them. They were all labelled, again, with various names.

Seozay yawned- which, considering her size, was quite a loud sound to make. It made Celeste shiver a bit. “Getting me up this early… normally I’d send anyone who came here without an appointment packing.” She peered down at Celeste, resting her head on one of her front legs. “But, Khalib is one of the few people I trust the word of these days… after all, he’s one of the only vestiges of the old Dragonia left, and they’re the ones who gave me this post, so if he says you’re here to help, then I’ll believe it."

It was a little difficult for Celeste to maintain her composure in front of an intimidating presence like this, but she

“Ahem, Miss Governor, ma’am-”

“Do I look like a ma’am to you?” She leaned in close, smoke beginning to rise out of her nostrils. “I am only two hundred years old, thank you very much.”

“Sorry, um, uh…” Come on, you’re only here for one thing! Just ask about it before you annoy her even more. Celeste thought frantically. For a moment, she wondered if Spacey could have smoothed this over if she was as experienced as she claimed. “Supposedly a bunch of people have been disappearing around the nearby forest… given you’re the governor of this place, any information you can give would help us greatly, ma-”

Celeste stopped. Curse my polite vocabulary! “I mean, Governor Seoz-Seozaynnae….” Celeste rejoiced that she was able to pronounce that name correctly. Are all full dragon names such mouthfuls?! How does Spacey deal with this?! Blegh!

“You are correct, indeed. For the last week, several of my beloved workers have gone missing. But what’s odd is that it only happens at night… never during the day. Inconveniently, that’s when people are asleep and less likely to catch anything suspicious…” Seozay pounded the floor, growling.

“The schedule of maintenance is so behind because of this, it’s driving me up the wall! I have half a mind to burn that forest to the ground looking for them, if only it wouldn’t get rid of too many of our precious resources.”

Hm. Only at night… I suppose that makes sense, but…

“Do you think we could borrow the roof of your house to observe the city? We could probably find out some important knowledge that way."

Seozay yawned. “Be my guest. If it’ll help catch the miscreants doing this and get my workers back, then you could burn the house down for all I care. Houses can be rebuilt. Workers can’t be replaced!” She rubbed her eyes, clearly very tired. “Forgive me, I’m not used to getting up so early. Usually I wake around noon or so…”

That late?? Dragons are lazier than I thought… I’ll have to ask Spacey about that.

“I need some coffee.” Seozay whipped her tail back and hit one of the bells on the back wall, ringing it loudly. Within minutes, a red kobold came in with a large mug of brown liquid. “Thank you, Karson.” She put it to the side, presumably to drink it later.

This… went better than I expected, honestly.

Spacey was sitting outside, tapping her foot impatiently. In her not-at-all-humble opinion, Celeste was being too much of a worrywart.

Hmph, how was I supposed to know who that was? It’s not like Rex’s uncle gave us enough info for that… that cleric needs to get her staff out of her butt, or she’s gonna trip and fall on-
“Um, excuse me.”

The sudden voice snapped Spacey out of her fuming. She turned around and saw a small brown kobold in a deliveryman’s uniform. The nametag read “Koffel”. “I’m here to deliver this month’s shipment of coffee for Mayor Seozay… is she busy at the moment?”

“Yeah, she’s busy meeting with a certain crackpot cleric-” Spacey stopped in the middle of her thought. Wait. Coffee, where have I heard that before? That can’t be right… “Wait, what? YOU’RE the coffee delivery guy?”

“Yes, the mistress is very particular about her beverages. Always orders the same amount of Orcish coffee every month… supposedly it’s the only thing that gets her up in the morning.”

A terrible realization dawned upon Spacey. Wait, then who was that other guy- uh-oh. DRAT!

She had a bad feeling about this- diplomatic incidents be darned, she wasn’t going to let the alarm bells in her head go unanswered! Celeste could stick her complaining somewhere unpleasant if she protested. Better safe than sorry… I’m not gonna let anything happen THAT easily!

“One sec, I gotta deal with this!!” Spacey dashed inside, leaving Koffel out in the dust.

He shook his head. “Her guests are always so strange…”

Spacey slammed the door open and rushed past the desk to the double doors, making quite a racket as she did so.

“You again?” Udhier groaned. “I’ve been on this chapter for the past ten minutes with all the noise…”

Her fleeting attraction long past, Spacey had no politeness left to spare. “No time! We’ve got a problem!!” Spacey barely cared to acknowledge him, throwing open the doors. I’ll deal with the diplomatic fallout later, an innocent dragon’s life is in danger!

Udhier just shrugged and went back to his book. “Adventurers, can’t get a moment’s peace around here… damnit, I’ve lost my place.”

She rushed into the room, looking around frantically. Thankfully, the governor seemed to still be alive- however, her and Celeste looked quite surprised at the sudden intrusion.

Seozay yawned again. “Oh, it’s you. Your friend here seems to have obtained the information you were looking for, is there anything else-”

“There’s no time! Somebody suspicious came in here-”

She noticed the large cup in Seo’s claws, and everything clicked. If that other guy earlier was a fake, then- OH NO.

“DON’T DRINK THAT!!” With no time to think before potential disaster, Spacey hurled her shield at the cup, smashing it to smithereens, sending hot coffee everywhere!

A long pause ensued, during which Spacey had plenty of time to question her decisions and hope they wouldn’t result in her swift demise.

“Spaceeeey… I told you to wait outsiiiiide…” Celeste’s tone didn’t change, but with the way her eyes were twitching it sounded like she was about to abandon pacifism. Spacey ignored her.

“THE- THAT WAS POISONED, I SWEAR! There was a fake coffee delivery guy, and-”

Seozay growled, the rumbling noise shaking the very core of her metal body. “Young lady, I have had quite enough of your intrusions. Leave. Now.”

“But-!!” Spacey was tempted to argue further, but she could see no way out of the more immediate danger of a dragon’s breath. She turned to Celeste. “Celeste, I just saw the ACTUAL coffee delivery guy outside! That other guy earlier was a fake!!” Whirling back to Seozay, she pleaded. “Listen, get that coffee box checked out. There’s probably something in there!”

Seozay sighed. “Fine. I guess I’ll have to get some more coffee later… this is not a good start to the day. I don’t believe you YET, but I’d rather be safe than sorry…”

Celeste felt a twinge of something in her head, currently ignoring Spacey. It was a very familiar sensation to her- whenever that happened, it was Asteron guiding her to something important. Whether it was dangerous or beneficial, following His advice hadn’t steered her wrong yet!

Although, the hints were never straightforward, so interpreting them was difficult.

Danger lurks near, out of reach. Deception uncovered shall foil the leech.  

“What the heck could that mean…” Celeste muttered to herself. She looked around, frantically. Out of reach… what in this room can’t I reach… She looked up, and caught sight of something out of place.

“Wait… look up there!” Celeste pointed up at the wooden ceiling- noticing a suspicious bulge on the ceiling. Spacey and Seozay followed her pointing finger and noticed the same thing. “Somebody’s hiding on the ceiling!!” Wood didn’t bulge like that- that much she knew.

“The power of Asteron compels you, reveal yourself!!” Celeste’s voice became far more intimidating, with a noticeable echo for a moment as she raised her staff, the gem at the end shining brightly. A thin white beam shot out from it, grabbing the bulge and ripping it away- revealing it to be a simple cloth.

As it flew away, a very panicked green kobold clinging to the wood was revealed- one that Celeste recognized as the coffee deliveryman from earlier- she could tell by the clubbed tail. But his clothes were different- he was wearing a dark green bodysuit that only left his snout and tail exposed. “YOU! You called me a tree…word I can’t repeat because it’s too profane!” Another beam shot out of her staff, grabbing him off the ceiling and slamming him to the ground.

Spacey pointed dramatically at the roughed-up kobold. “Governor Seozay, this is the guy that delivered your coffee earlier in the lobby- but the real one, Koffel, is standing right outside! This guy’s a fake, that was probably trying to kill you!” If that’s true, danger lurking out of reach… deception… yeah! It has to be him! Asteron was right again!!

“Hmph. I don’t recognize him at all… and that bodes poorly.” Seozay narrowed her eyes at the kobold on the ceiling. “You. State your name, now.”

“K-Kobra- oh, forget this!!” The kobold tried to dash to the door to escape!

“Where the heck do you think YOU’RE going?” Spacey sidestepped in front of the door, blocking the intruder’s escape. She pulled out her sword, aiming it at his neck.

“Away from here, that’s where- AGH!” He was cut off by Seozay grabbing him with her clawed hand in one swift motion.

“Well, who do we have but a little rat trying to spy on me…” She mused, getting terrifyingly close to him, smoke rising out of her nostrils. “You’re not one of my regular residents.”

“How do you know?! I just- I just emigrated here!” Kobra attempted to explain, flimsily.

“Oh, please, what kind of governor would I be if I didn’t keep track of everyone here? Names, birthdays, professions, everything. You may be able to fool my less attentive son, but not me. ”

Seozay glared at the struggling kobold, tightening her grip. “Either you tell me who sent you, or I’ll burn you to cinders-”

Kobra laughed defiantly. “Ha!! You think a few idle threats are enough to convince me! I’ll have you know I was sent by the Seven themselves!! You’ll never find out anything, they’re as ruthless as they come!!” He didn’t seem to process that he’d just revealed something very important.

“The Seven?!” Spacey clenched her fist. “So you work for the Empire, huh. Well, then we’re definitely gonna teach YOU a lesson…”

Celeste raised her staff triumphantly. “Yeah! It is our sworn mission to topple the Empire and anyone associated with them, for the good of the world! Now tell us what the plan is, or-”

“Or what? You’ll kill me? I am immortal, you fools!! You can’t do- ARGH!”

Seozay had squeezed him even tighter- enough that Celeste could hear something crack, making her wince. Ouch… good thing I managed to not annoy her too much. “Want me to test that?”

He cracked a pained grin, chuckling pompously. “Sorry, no thank you, goodbye! The Seven send their regards!!” 

Before any of them could react, Kobra threw a smoke bomb directly in Seozay’s face, sending her into a coughing fit. “Ugh, you little miscreant!!”

“Fools! The great Kobra shall live to fight another day, on his own terms and when you least expect it!” followed by high-pitched laughter. “You’d better watch your back, lest I stab it!”

Before Celeste could react and cast another holding spell, a loud shattering of glass pierced the commotion.

By the time the smoke cleared, the mysterious assailant was long gone, having left a broken window and a pile of glass shards in his wake. “Curses, I lost my grip on him…” Seozay let out another cough. “He won’t get away with this!” She tapped one of the sending stones on the wall, making the image of a blue kobold appear in it. “Kopper. Mobilize the guards, find that green one that just jumped out of my window! He can’t have gotten far!”

“Yes, Governor!” After the response, the sending stone went dark.

Seozay sighed. “I would look for myself, but I am rather incapable of operating at my full strength without… causing undue destruction to this place. Is there anything else you two need? You’ve done me a great service… if either of you need anything, just ask.”

Spacey thought of something instantly, piping up. “You wouldn’t happen to know any eligible bache-OW!” Celeste stepped on her foot, her eye twitching in barely contained rage. Fine, I get it… party pooper.

Seozay, however, just chuckled. “Quite a one-track mind, I see… well, I might have something for you… one minute.” She turned over to the large cabinet on the wall, digging through it. “Let’s see… not that… oh, there we go.” Seozay pulled out a wooden board and laid it on the ground.

It was an extremely faded sign with a crude drawing of a brass dragon on it. It read, “Are you looking for a hot date? Just go to the cave near Sack-End and ask for Vergal! He’ll be your Prince Charming!”

She chuckled mirthfully. “A few weeks ago, some dragon flew up around here and dropped those signs everywhere for miles. It was quite an embarrassing display, and anyone who resorts to such desperate tactics wouldn’t be a good fit for me.”

Spacey was trying desperately not to give away her excitement, lest she embarrass herself further. “Th-thank you, Governor, this is very useful information. Ahem. Let’s go, Celeste, we should inform Rex of what we’ve found!!”

This could be a lead! I could finally have the draconic boyfriend of my dreams!! Assuming he’s the reasonable kind of desperate and not the kind that drives people to murder. Hopefuilly.

Seozay smiled warmly. “Rex, you say? Do me a favor- tell him to visit me when he gets a chance. I haven’t seen him since he was a teenager, it’d be nice to see how the crown prince is faring.”

Celeste bowed to the bronze dragon dramatically. “We will certainly do that, governor. Hopefully you can find that kobold…” With that, the duo left.

As soon as the duo left the house, Celeste sighed. “Ohhh, Asteron, that was stressful.”

“For YOU?” Spacey said. “I was the one who tried to bag her son! That was awful!”

Celeste turned to her, rolling her eyes. “Yeah, that, you’re not allowed to flirt with dragons we’re trying to get on the good side of.”

“Why?!” Spacey retorted. “That’s not fair, do you know how hard it is to find good draconic bachelors in the first place?!”

Celeste fumed. “Because you nearly caused a diplomatic incident and only got away with it because of a coincidence!”

“Fine. I’ll wait until AFTER we get on their good side first.” Celeste wanted to protest, but this was probably the best she could get out of Spacey right now- her and her one-track mind. She’s so distracted by simple romance… but she is much smarter than I thought, being able to put together that guy’s whole plan. “Hmph. Maybe I should pray to Asteron to find a dragon husband…”

“HE WON’T LISTEN TO SUCH SELFISH REQUESTS!!” Celeste snapped. “But… I do have to say, I was impressed how you figured out Kobra’s plan so quickly. You may have poor priorities, but you’re very intelligent.”

“Thanks, I guess…” Spacey sounded rather displeased with the backhanded compliment. “You’re a complete loon, but you have good magic. When’d you learn to grab and throw people?”

Celeste shrugged. “I don’t know, I could always do it. Just hadn’t really needed to…”

“Yeah, well, keep that in mind, we might need it in the future.” Spacey marched off, her head held high. “Now, I gotta find a map, figure out where this brass dragon’s cave is…”

Celeste sighed. “Fine. I suppose we’ve been useful enough for a day…”

Author's Note: Sorry i'm late with this chapter- only one day past my weekly posting rate! This one was long, and the holidays, yadda yadda. Hopefully the next one won't take too long. Enjoy the foreshadowing, hehehe.
Rex and Arandia's segment of this quest chain is up next, look forward to that. To my readers- which of the main party is your favorite so far? I'd be curious to know.
Also, we have more art from @Dragon_Tamer8 of Spacey! Give him a follow, it's really good!!

Chapter Text

Drakoth, the God of Conquest and Lies. Despite the name, he is not necessarily evil- even forces like him can be pointed at worse, after all.

He is the creator of all dragonkind, molded in his ideal of a perfect being. Strong, independent, egotistical. Ironically, these exact traits meant they could never spread and cooperate the same way other races could.

After the War of the Gods, Evelice, Goddess of Truth and Light, took him as her husband. What they saw in each other is up for debate. Perhaps they each had something the other lacked. For Evelice, he had a certain charisma and willingness to do anything for victory. For Drakoth, she had ironclad determination and unbreakable principles. Only they know for sure.

In a bid to maintain some dignity, he created the Dragonborn race along with Evelice- as a perfect fusion of their respective creations, dragons and humans.

The kingdom of Dragonia was founded by one of his children, and worship of him continues there to this day. The Brimstone royal line was said to have been descended from him directly, and can draw upon his power in times of great need, provided they have trained to unlock that potential.

-The Pantheon of Milennia: A Primer

The day had started off so swimmingly, with Rex and Arandia bravely venturing into the Ashen Woods near Koboldia in the hope of finding any signs of the missing citizens… Now, much later, the optimism had given way to bickering and belligerence.

Arandia had been complaining constantly for the last twenty minutes, grating on his last nerves. “Listen, motherfucker, we are LOST.” The Ashen Woods was located near a volcanic region of the continent, and was full of blackened trees and ground- which made navigation considerably more difficult when everywhere looked the same.

Rex had been attempting to keep spirits up, with diminishing returns as of late. Remember, Rex, you have to set a good example. Good leaders always inspire hope in their subjects, not join in the bellyaching. “We are not lost! We have simply strayed off the path for a moment. Any minute now, we shall find something to right our course, and-”

Arandia groaned. Every “It has been an HOUR since we left! And it’s gonna BE another hour unless we either find the path or get lucky, dragon breath.”

Rex turned to her, nostrils flaring in annoyance. “Where- where did that nickname come from?!”

Arandia tapped him on the forehead, using her superior height to her advantage. Rex hated when anyone did that, a fact which he was sure Arandia knew. “Because half the time you open your mouth, it’s just a bunch of hot air that could burn my patience away!”

Rex’s eye twitched at that nickname. “You can address me by my name, or one of my titles!! My draconic ancestry is not to be taken lightly!”

“Yeah, yeah…” Arandia said, flippantly. “Heard that before. We’ve got bigger problems… namely, the fact that we are still LOST, ASSHOLE!”

Much as he was loath to admit it, she was right. If they didn’t find their way back to the path soon, they were going to be in trouble. “Complaining about it won’t help anyone! We should calm down and attempt to find any familiar landmarks.”

Arandia, still ranting, pointed to a nearby hollow tree, with a large hole on it revealing the inside. “I’ll show you a fucking familiar landmark! I have seen THIS TREE, this EXACT ONE, at least three times in the last ten minutes. We are going in circles.”

This conversation is going in circles! Rex shot back, “How do you know it’s the same tree?! Perhaps there’s more than one with a hole in it!”

Arandia didn’t have irises to roll, her eyes being a pure red, but the head motion and loud sigh she made got the point across. “I’ve got four eyes- count ‘em- and I think I can tell one tree from another! Especially when that one’s got a big hole in it!” She turned and pointed at another nearby tree. “And when that one’s fallen over and split in half!!” She paused, before doing a double take. “...wait. That one wasn’t fallen over before…”

Rex stepped over to the tree, taking a closer look at the wrecked wood. It was knocked over, obviously, but there was something else about it that bothered him. “It looks… desiccated. As if some kind of acid melted part of it away…” Most natural creatures do not possess this kind of fluid. We must be dealing with some manner of magical monster…

“Acid? That’s, uh… not good.” Arandia muttered. “We should probably make tracks away from here, don’t want to meet whatever monster left that.”

Something bothered Rex about this, and he couldn’t let that feeling go so easily. “No, perhaps this has something to do with the disappearances. What in the gods’ name could have caused that kind of-”

A loud hiss abruptly cut off his ruminating. Some kind of serpent? No, most serpents don’t have acidic capabilities…

Arandia seemed to sense the change in atmosphere as well, continuing in a careful whisper, while carefully drawing her scimitar. “The hell was that?”

Rex pulled his axe off his back, ready to swing if necessary. “Whatever it is, we should be on our guard…”

Two more noises penetrated the gloom of the forest. First, a bleat, a goat perhaps? Then a low, harsh growl. Of course this wouldn’t be easy. Lovely. Rex steeled himself, and carefully turned around, axe at the ready. He was right to be worried- what he saw was certainly terrifying. A large animal stood before them, with two heads- a lion’s on the left, and a goat’s on the right. Its long tail ended in a snake’s head, which was hissing menacingly and dripping purple liquid. The creature was very large, almost the size of a horse.

Rex recognized it instantly. A chimera? Those are supposed to be outlawed! Even by the Empire! Not that the Empire was any stranger to ignoring their own rules when it benefited them.

Arandia readied her sword, gritting her teeth. “What the hell?! Since when was there something like this around here?!”Keep calm, keep a level head. That’s what good rulers do. “P-perhaps if we back away slowly…”
Rex took a step back. The chimera took another step forward.

“Without a healer here, trying to take this thing on is a bad fucking idea.” Arandia whispered.

Rex turned to her, nodding. “Indeed, running would be the superior option… live to fight another day, and all that…” Rex was normally loathe to run from a challenge, but sometimes even he knew when he was beat. This was one of those times. “On my count. One… two… three!”

The second Rex uttered the third number, Arandia had bolted off behind him, crashing through dead branches. Within seconds, she had disappeared.

It took only a second, and a louder roar from the chimera, for Rex to turn tail and follow her as fast as his large frame could carry him. Which wasn’t particularly fast, especially when his competition had four legs and no armor.

If there’s one advantage Arandia’s lower half awarded her, it was having superior speed compared to most people. That combined with her padded, clawed legs meant she could sprint right over terrain that would slow down most people. “Ha! Asshole can’t keep up with me-”

Wait. She knew she was forgetting something. Looking to either side, she didn’t see anyone keeping up with her.

What the fuck, where’s dragon breath?! Whirling around, she got her displeasing answer- Rex, just barely ahead of the chimera, barely keeping ahead of the snapping jaws and acid spit expelled by the serpent’s tail.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Of course he’s slow. He’s wearing all that armor… and doesn’t have eight legs. Arandia groaned. “I’ll have to give him a boost so he doesn’t kick the bucket…”

Rex was lagging behind Arandia’s ridiculous gait- the combination of enormous axe, heavy plate armor, and general heavier build meant the gap kept widening. How… How is she so quick?! She’s bigger than most of the party, it’s not fair-

The chimera snapped at his tail, and Rex just barely managed to snatch it out of the way. That tail is a royal symbol! Letting it be defiled by such a beast would be a grave embarrassment!

“Hey, fucker! Take this!!” Before Rex could react, he heard a loud crunch, and a pitiful roar. Quickly sneaking a look behind him, he was shocked at the sight.

Arandia had picked up a nearby rock and hurled it at the chimera, braining it directly in the lion’s head. It appeared to be stunned for a moment, but it wouldn’t be for long. She rushed over to Rex, squatting to lower her spider half. “You’re too slow. Get on.” She growled. Rex was taken aback by the sudden request.

“What? As in, on your back?!” said Rex. Am- Am I allowed to- all of his etiquette classes growing up had been very clear on the subject of riding other sentient beings. Namely, it was disallowed in almost all circumstances except marriage or blood relations.

Arandia, for her part, had no patience for Rex’s upbringing or anything resembling social conduct. “I said GET ON, and you’ve got about five seconds before I leave you here to get your throat ripped out!!”

Her forceful rhetoric snapped him out of his obsession with proper conduct, and he clambered awkwardly onto her spider half’s thorax. It was a fair bit wider than, say, a horse, so he couldn’t properly get a grip with his legs until he slipped them in between two pairs of her own spidery limbs.

Arandia put her hand to her forehead, exasperated. “No, no, your legs can’t go there, I won’t be able to run properly. Here, one sec…” She reached back to grab his calves, hoisting them around her hips. “There. That’ll work. Now hold on!!”

“Hold on to what-” Before Rex could finish his query, Arandia took off at an absurd speed. In a blind panic, Rex wrapped his arms around her bare midriff and held tightly, lest he go flying off backwards. He was taking great care to not put his hands in any places that might be deemed untoward, but it was proving rather difficult given how little Arandia typically wore- and the bumpy pitch of the ride in general. My etiquette classes never prepared me for this situation! Curses!

“Damn, this asshole’s really fast…” Arandia grunted. “If we can’t find somewhere to hide, we might be in trouble!”

Rex should have been more concerned with his life, but at the moment he was having a very rough time not getting distracted, given his close proximity to Arandia. For someone raised to be the picture of nobility, he was having some rather ignoble thoughts, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with that.

Oh gods, she’s built like a tree trunk… Speaking of tree trunks! “There’s a downed tree dead ahead!!” The large, blackened trunk was about as half as tall as a man, much taller than many could feasibly jump over.

“Shit! Gonna have to jump that…” Arandia slowed down for a moment to assess the distance, crouched, then leaped over the fallen log. Unfortunately, the sudden jostling sent Rex’s hand a little… higher than it should have been, into softer territory. Rex couldn’t help but yelp in abject terror, frantically trying to reposition it. She’s going to eat me alive!! It’s improper! Heinous! I am no cad that grabs where he shouldn’t-

Rex’s internal freakout was interrupted by nearly falling off her back, to which Arandia slowed down for a moment to keep him there. “I said HOLD ON, you fucking idiot! If you kick the bucket I won’t get paid!!” she barked.

“R-right… sorry…” Rex muttered, trying not to give away his immense embarrassment. Thankfully, Arandia didn’t seem to notice- and soon, they’d both have a bigger issue to deal with. Dead ahead was a dead end- a large cliff face of gray rock, not quite vertical, but definitely unclimbable for the average person! The wall surrounded them on three sides- the only way out was back into the gnashing, roaring creature after them!

Rex exclaimed in mounting terror “There’s nowhere to run! That thing’s faster than us, and we can’t fight it by ourselves!”

Arandia chuckled. “Nowhere, huh? That’s what you think. You’d better hold on, dragon breath!”

Taking her advice, Rex held on for dear life as she clambered her way up the rocks, his stomach dropping as he struggled to keep from losing his grip.

Thankfully, before long, they’d reached the top of the rocky pile, and they could breathe for a moment.

It had been a few minutes, and while the situation had improved, it was not by much. The duo was stuck atop a large pile of rocks, safe for the moment..

Unfortunately, the chimera was still there, and didn’t seem keen on leaving. We’re not even particularly edible-looking, what with all the armor and weapons! Can’t it find some defenseless animal to devour instead! It was trying desperately to scrabble up the wall, but its paws were nowhere near as dextrous as Arandia’s many legs, so its success was rather limited.

“Well, we’re safe for the moment from that thing…” Arandia muttered. “Probably. It doesn’t seem particularly agile…”

“But we’re stuck here unless we eliminate it somehow… it doesn’t seem like it’ll let us go so easily.” Rex mused. “But how…”

Arandia shrugged flippantly. “You’re the leader, dragon breath, you come up with something. I fight things, I don’t come up with plans.”

“Very well.” Rex put his hand on his chin, wracking his brain for the most convenient method to escape this conundrum.

Hm. Neither of us have healing abilities, so any grievous injuries should be avoided if possible. So, instead… we should try and kill the beast with as little direct combat as possible. But how…

He looked around. The rocky hill they were currently perched on was covered in rocks- some of which looked rather loose, and some of which were very large. An idea began to form.

Rex stood up dramatically, a conveniently timed gust of wind making his cape billow dramatically. “All right, I have a plan to get us both out of this mess with minimal risk to our safety.”

Arandia scoffed. “Really. Let’s hope your ability to plan attacks is better than your sense of direction, yeah?”

Rex resisted the urge to make a witty retort, continuing, “It is very simple. I go down there to lure the beast into position, and you push that boulder off the cliff. With some luck, it’ll crush the abomination, and we will win the day!”

He was expecting some acerbic remark from the drider, but instead, she appeared to be mulling it over seriously. “...that’s actually clever, huh. Gimme a sec…” She turned around to survey their current vantage point, moving over to an enormous, round boulder about four feet high. “Huh. Yeah, that one looks movable…” She tested that theory by attempting to shove it- with a loud grunt, she managed to move it a couple of inches.

“It’s a heavy son of a bitch, but since we’re on a slope… that should work, possibly.”

“Excellent. Just let me know when you’re about to roll it down… I wouldn’t want to have be crushed under it as well.” Rex steeled his resolve, and prepared to descend the cliff face.

“Come on, asshole! Look up here!” Arandia barked, as she heaved a heavy rock towards the beast. “I’ve got plenty more where those came from!” It growled in anger, attempting to leap up the wall- but its unwieldy paws couldn’t get much of a grip, stymieing its efforts.

She stole a glance at Rex, who was slowly making his way down the wall. Man, if only he could push that rock, otherwise I could climb down and do this a lot faster…

The beast tried to take advantage of her moment of distraction- spitting a large blob of acid up towards her with surprising force. “Whoop!” She leaned to the side to dodge it, but she could feel the heat on it just from being near the fluid.

“Yeesh, that was close… No wonder that tree was a mess.” Arandia muttered. At least Rex had finally reached the floor.

Rex raised his axe and his voice. “Look here, abomination! If you are responsible for the disappearances, I shall rend your body to pieces!!”

Rex was trying to look as big and attract as much attention as possible- which was working! Too well, as the chimera was growling at him very loudly. 

For a moment, dragonborn and beast regarded each other, waiting for the other to make the first move. Drakoth, give me strength. 

He charged at the monster, axe and shield in hand, and tried to catch one of its heads with a wide sweep. Unfortunately, the beast was far too agile for that, and simply leapt away before spewing more acid from its tail.

Rex put up his shield to block it- thankfully, the wrought iron was strong enough to weather the caustic fluid without damage- but he shuddered to think what would happen if it got anywhere near his flesh. “You shall need more than simple bile to defeat me, beast!”

It dashed forward, attempting to bite his arm with the lion head, but that plate armor wasn’t just for show- it handily prevented the beast’s fangs from sinking in- an opening which he quickly took advantage of to bash the goat head with his shield, making it screech in pain as it loosened its grip!

“He knows that thing can’t understand him, right?” Arandia muttered, before turning back to the large boulder. She leaned her heavy body against it, and began the arduous push.

“Fuck me, this thing is heavy!!” Arandia grunted, shoving the large boulder forward another few inches. “Just gotta get it rolling down the hill… Oh, gods DAMMIT.” The rock had rolled over a patch of thick mud and gotten stuck.  “Of course this has to happen now. SHIT!”

She looked back at Rex, who seemed to be handling himself all right- but she well knew that battles could take a turn for the worse at any second.

Unfortunately, that turn had just happened- figuring out that Rex was too heavily armored to take down with simple bites or acid, the creature elected to simply slam him with all of its weight, knocking him to the ground and pinning him with paws the size of dinner plates!

Curses! I can’t get up so easily while wearing this!

The monster attempted to bite off his face with the lion head’s fangs, but Rex raised his axe to block the toothy maw with the its handle. If it wasn’t made of metal, the sheer weight of the creature probably would have snapped it in half… not that that was much of a comfort at the moment- especially when their struggle made the chimera step directly on his ankle!

But Rex was too focused on the beast above him to care about a little thing like that.

“ARANDIA!! Some haste is required!!” Rex yelled, with an unfortunately timed voice crack interrupting his bellowing. What is she doing?! This monster is inches away from ripping me to pieces, and it’s in prime position!!

Come on, you piece of SHIT! MOVE!!

Arandia grunted in exertion, bracing herself using her many legs. If she didn’t manage to get that boulder moving, then her new boss would be as good as dead.

And she didn’t need ANOTHER dead client on her conscience. Not again. Not like the last time… or the time before that…

“Move, you goddamn oversized pebble, before I fucking beat you to gravel! GO!!”

As if compelled by Arandia’s profane rant, with her last shove the rock finally started lurching out of the mud pit- and that was the final push it needed. Now that it had finally moved to a slope, it was picking up speed.

“HEY, DRAGON BREATH!! GET OUT OF THE WAY!! IT’S COMIN’ DOWN!!” Arandia yelled, hoping Rex would hear it.

Thankfully for his safety, Rex did hear her warning- seeing the enormous rock tumbling down the hillside, his mind raced. The chimera was off from the intended position, and more importantly, it was still on top of him!!

Just have to get it to move a little bit over… this should do the trick!

“May the flames of Brimstone purify your monstrous body!!” At the last second, Rex belched a stream of fire into the chimera’s face, making it release its grip- but not without grabbing the cape around his neck with its goat head, dragging him with it towards the center of the clearing! He was out of options, and the snake tail whipped around, hissing menacingly, ready to spit its acid directly into his face! Raising his shield to block it, the snake still began expelling its burning bile all over it- if it kept this up, it would drip off the shield onto him!

Damnit! This monster is too tenacious for its own good. Rex shut his eyes, preparing for the inevitable. He did not fear death, so much as not finishing his duty-bound obligations. If I perish here, please, Drakoth, let my allies carry on my important work-

A loud, wet crunch interrupted his racing mind, followed by pitiful noises of three animals, and a warm fluid splattered across his face.

Rex opened his eyes slowly. The chimera had been completely pulverized by the heavy boulder. Its eyes, formerly filled with unholy malice, were now empty and still. Rex breathed a sigh of relief.

As soon as the chimera breathed its last, something changed about the environment- perhaps it was his imagination. Or simple relief. But it seemed less oppressive now.

“Phew. There we go.” Arandia wiped the sweat from her brow. Judging from the sound of that impact, the boulder had landed directly on its target.

Gotta hand it to Rex, that was pretty clever. Hope he’s holding up okay, that chimera was pretty nasty-looking…
She clambered down from the rocky hill, her long, dextrous legs easily picking their way across the mass of stones until she reached the bottom.

“HA! Fuck you, you stitched-together piece of SHIT.” Arandia spat spitefully on the corpse, which now had a pool of blood forming around it.

Rex sat up, in time to see Arandia disrespecting the chimera’s corpse with her expectorating.

“Damn, that thing was TOUGH.” said Arandia. “Other than the, um, blood everywhere, how’re you holding up, dragon breath?”

Rex was too busy reeling to take issue with that nickname. “Fine. I think-” He tried to get up, but a pang of pain in his left ankle kept him grounded. “Argh! Blasted thing stepped on my ankle… it’s as heavy as it looks.”

Arandia bent down to take a look, though she did not have much medical expertise. “Hm. It’s not bleeding, at least. That’s good. Well, hopefully Celeste can fix that. I’ll carry you back…”

She’s not going to acknowledge the thing that I did earlier when I was on her back?! What if it happens again?! What if word gets out? My reputation is at stake, I must fix this! Rex stammered. “Wait, I… it’s… dishonorable… to…”

Arandia, clearly impatient and sick of his dithering, raised her voice to a yell. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, just spit it out already!”

Rex took a deep breath. Proper nobility own up to their mistakes, no matter how accidental or… embarrassing. “Earlier, I may have, um, grasped a part of sensitive anatomy during a bump in the ride…”

Arandia looked very confused. “The hell are you talking about? Of course you were holding on, otherwise you would have fallen on your ass.”

Just make me spell it out for you, why don’t you?! Rex’s voice got even softer. “Your… ahem… chest-”

As soon as he said that last word, the intimidating drider burst out laughing. “THAT’S what you were concerned about? Really?!” Arandia guffawed. “That was like, two seconds, AND it was an accident.” This was not at all the reaction Rex was expecting. Given how they had talked up the importance of ladies’ honor in his etiquette classes, he expected fierce retribution… not mirth. “AHAHAHA!!” Arandia kept laughing. “Oh… Oh, I keep forgetting how up your own asses you nobles are. You think I give a shit about etiquette or being proper?”

Rex stammered. “W-well, I was always told that the honor of a lady is one of the most important-”

She tapped him on the head again, which he was too tired to protest. “News flash, mister king-to-be- outside of your little castle, nobody gives a flying shit about that. Some people, like yours truly, are too concerned with more important things. Like not dying. Gotta get your priorities straight, dragon breath.”

“Fine…” Rex felt the anxiety slowly melting away, thankful that he hadn’t pissed off one of his strongest allies. “Anyway, thank you for saving me… again.”

In a rarity for her, Arandia actually cracked a genuine- albeit toothy- smile. “It’s no problem. How am I gonna get paid if you get offed, huh? Think about that next time, you’ve got bitches to feed.” She lowered her spider body. “Now get on, already. Unless you want to walk back on that busted ankle.”

Rex was too exhausted to consider his upbringing or the implications of riding on her back. He was just grateful to have allies like her, for once. After running around alone for the last couple of years… it was a new feeling. One he didn’t mind so much.

He clambered his way onto her thorax, and they made their way out of the woods- thankfully, it was an uneventful trip.

Unfortunately, once the duo finally exited the forest, the moment of peace would be short-lived. Celeste and Spacey were arguing fiercely, Stephen and Octavia were being a drunken nuisance. Usagi seemed completely normal, but Rex suspected he had probably been doing something untoward.

“Well, looks like they’ve been having fun.” Arandia muttered. “Lucky bastards.”

I almost don’t want to know the details, but unfortunately as leader I am obligated. Rex sighed. “Come on… let us go check on our compatriots, and hope that they were as successful in their pursuits as we were…”

As they approached, Celeste had turned her attention from Spacey to Usagi. She narrowed her eyes. “Usagi, whose hair is this?”

Usagi shrugged. “Oh, it’s just cat hair.”

Octavia belched, giggling like a lunatic in response. “Ooooh, did Usagi find a cute kitty?! Luckyyy, whenever I try to pet cats they bite me and run away. How soft was it?”

Usagi rolled his eyes. “I suppose. I didn’t get a chance for that, today…”

“Ahem.” Rex cleared his throat to get Celeste’s attention. “We have returned.”

“Oh, good!” Celeste whirled around, serene as ever. “Hopefully your excursion went well! Better than ours, anyway…”

Arandia scoffed. “Yeah, about that. Rex got his ankle fucked up, hopefully you can deal with that… could’ve been worse I suppose.”

“Oh, dear. Let me just fix that…” Celeste raised her staff, a familiar bright light emanating from it to heal the injury. “Anyway, our job went okay. We got useful info despite a certain artificial life form trying to seduce the governor’s son…”

Rex felt a migraine coming on- getting worse by the second. “She WHAT?!” He marched over to Spacey, smoke billowing out his nose from pure annoyance. “SPACEY!! DID YOU TRY TO SEDUCE A POLITICAL OFFICIAL?!”

Spacey facepalmed, looking very exhausted. “Listen, Rex, it was a misunderstanding, it was cleared up, there’s no need to make a mountain out of a molehill-”

Rex, however, did not want to hear any of it. Especially not after getting nearly killed and having to deal with two drunk party members. “You are henceforth banned from attempting to seduce dragons we’re trying to make a good impression on!!”

Spacey groaned. “You and Celeste, come ON… the first time you two agree on something and it’s THIS?”

Rex shook his head disapprovingly. "I would have expected this of Stephen or the rabbit, but YOU? You're nobility! You're supposed to be held to a higher standard!"

Spacey balled her hand into a fist, looking very annoyed at the insinuation that she was anything but the perfect princess. "I'll have you know I hold my potential boyfriends to a VERY high standard!"

Rex shot back, "BEING A DRAGON IS NOT A HIGH STANDARD!”

Stephen interjected, and in his drunken state, Rex really did not want to hear what he had to say- not that that would stop him from rambling anyway. “Oh, please, Rex, that’s not- hic- even the worst compared to who I’ve tried to- hic- ask out! One time I was waiting for a meeting at the periodical I publish my work in, and I tried to ask the editor for drinks!”

Rex ignored him, in an attempt to get him to stop bothering his psyche with terrible anecdotes. Unfortunately, Octavia was there to encourage him to spill more of his guts. “Wait, really- hic- you tried to ask out your BOSS?! Wowwww, that’s real bold for youuuu-”

Stephen tried to get up to his feet, but stumbled back to the bench he was currently splayed over as his legs buckled. “Well, technically not my boss, I perform freelance work, but if you’ve seen her, you’d be tempted to as well, let’s just say that the Sassy Satyr isn’t just a name, haha!” Stephen’s drunken laughter was interrupted by loud coughing. “And there was that lizardfolk bartender- hic- but she was married, and I didn’t even know! It was a MESS!!”

Rex’s eye twitched. “Are you telling me, you attempted to get into bed with a local businesswoman… on your FIRST MEETING?!” He dreaded what Stephen would say next, but some part of him hoped it wouldn’t get worse.

“No, I didn’t even get a chance… I was too busy gambling for information instead.”

Rex stormed over and hauled Stephen to his feet, gritting his teeth. “Gambling our- HOW MUCH DID YOU BET?!”

“Oh, lay off him, he won and got all of it back!” Octavia waved her tentacle as if it was a finger. “It was fiiiine, really. No harm, no foul…”

“...fine.” Rex released the annoying noble, before turning to Usagi, terrified of what he would hear next. “Dare I even ASK what you’ve been up to, with your trusted informant? ”

“Oh, please, not all of my tactics involve my incredible good looks and charm. Nothing happened at all.”

Nothing happened, my tail! From what I’ve seen so far of you, you’re so indiscrete we might have to put you on a leash! Rex was having a very hard time believing him, but he really did not want more terrible details of what the rabbit had been up to- he could keep that to himself, very much.

“Listen, we all can discuss our findings tomorrow. I’m sure you all are very tired.” Or at least, I am. “We can go to the inn, get ourselves sorted, and approach the next day with fresh heads…”

“Hey, uh, did your uncle ever tell us where we were supposed to be put up, by the way?” Spacey interjected. Gods… dammit…

“No, he did not…” Rex groaned. “Of course he didn’t. I suppose he’ll-”

“Oh, there you all are.”

Khalib, of course, had already shown up. Rex hated when he did that. Doing his best to keep his composure after the mess he’d dealt with earlier and the embarrassment of his party members’ conduct, he turned to address the old kobold. “Uncle, where’s the inn you promised?”

“Oh, that. Turning in already? There’s still some daylight left, perhaps-”

Oh, gods, I am NOT in the mood for this right now!! Rex fumed. “Uncle, I have fought off a raging chimera in the woods, been lost for hours, hurt my ankle badly, nearly had acid thrown into my eyes, and had my honor besmirched severely. I think I have earned a moment’s respite!”

“A chimera?” Khalib’s normally sardonic demeanor turned serious, which was quite rare. “That’s odd. I hadn’t heard anything about that…”

Perhaps you were not investigating as thoroughly as you thought, then! Rex swallowed his annoyed retort, continuing in the best attempt at politeness he could muster given his current mood. “Yes. Ask Arandia about it. Now, where is that inn?”

Khalib, for once, didn’t try to pry any further. If he had, Rex would not have been able to contain his boiling rage. “Oh, that. It’s called the Scale & Ale Inn. Check near the tavern. I’ve reserved four rooms for you. This place doesn’t get large parties of visitors very often, so there’s not that many…”

“ANYTHING IS FINE. COME ON, ARANDIA, LET US MAKE SURE THE ACCOMMODATIONS ARE PREPARED.” Rex stormed off, bidding the one ally that didn’t make him want to tear his scales out with him. At least she was competent and not prone to moments of sheer idiocy!

“Will do. I need to rest my fucking legs…” Arandia moaned, tromping off down the street close behind him.

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, I CAN’T BE IN THE ROOM?!” Arandia growled at the innkeeper. It had taken approximately ten seconds for an argument to erupt- Rex’s hopes of a peaceful end to the day had been delayed for a little while longer.

The innkeeper was a short- well, short by kobold standards- pink kobold wearing a little dress.“Sorry, um, you can’t fit through the door, so we can’t exactly accommodate you-”

He was correct. The door was sized for normal-sized people- and unfortunately, it was not a double door. Fitting through would be quite impossible.

“So then what the fuck am I supposed to do then, sleep outside?!” Arandia looked like she was about to slam the innkeeper through a wall- which would really not be good for any of their reputations.

“Ahem!” Rex stepped between the irate drider and the cowering kobold. “Would there, perhaps, be another possible accommodation? Anything at all?” He prayed for any kind of concession they could make- anything that would prevent this interaction from turning into a complete disaster. Please, for the love of Drakoth, give me something to work with here! I don’t need another obstacle!!

The innkeeper pointed to a few sheds at the side of the thing. “W-well, we have stables for adventurers’ mounts… you could probably use those…”

Arandia gritted her teeth, looking like she wanted to strangle someone, before relaxing her stance. “Fine. I’ll use those. It’s fine. ” She stomped off, her hands balled into fists in sheer annoyance, leaving Rex behind.

He considered leaving her to work out her rage, but something stopped him. Pragmatism? Possibly. Or maybe it was because she was the most competent person in the entire party besides him. No, I’m not going to leave her like this! She’s the only party member that’s remotely competent, if she can’t get a good rest then that would bode badly in the future.

Rex opened the largest of the stable stalls- one clearly meant for enormous creatures like direwolves, wyverns, or something of similar stature. Arandia was already inside, attempting to arrange the hay within into something a little more comfortable. He approached, attempting to break the tension with a calm voice. “Do you- do you need help, of some sort?”

Arandia turned around, regarding him with a blank look, then returned to what she was doing.  “Nah, not really.”

Something about her demeanor seems different than usual. Perhaps it’s worth looking into. “Are you sure? You seemed… rather more incensed than usual.”

After a brief pause, Arandia sighed a long sigh. “Yeah, I guess I was hoping to sleep in an actual bed for a change. Too bad, I guess…” Arandia groused. “I get cold at night sometimes. It’s fine, I’ve been sleeping outside for my entire life. I’m used to it.” Arandia huffed. She said that, but something about it didn’t seem like her typical rage- more like disappointment.

“Do- do you not have a blanket, or any sort of covering?”

“I lost all my shit when I got thrown in jail, so, no.” She flopped into the hay, looking away from him. “Tell the others I’ll go get dinner later. I need a nap first.” Rex thought for a moment, then arrived at a course of action. He unfastened his long, purple cape and draped it over Arandia’s scarred body. All she could do in response was look back at him, puzzled. “The- what? What’s that for?”

“Well, you were complaining about being cold, and this is strictly a decorative article… I thought, perhaps you could use it for the moment.” Rex looked away nervously, rubbing the back of his head. “I will need that back at some point, though, that’s the only one I have.”

Arandia chuckled. “I’ll keep that in mind.” She grinned- not in a menacing or angry way like her usual smiles, but an earnest one. “Thanks.”

Satisfied that he had helped out his ally, at least a little bit, Rex left the stall. He hoped that trying to procure food on short notice for seven people wouldn’t be too much of an ordeal…

As Arandia lay there in the hay, Rex’s cape atop her, she thought to herself. Nobody’s ever really done anything like that before. Huh. Wouldn’t have expected that, especially not for a noble.

She shifted a bit, letting the cape cover more of her human half, she somehow felt… at ease? Was that what that feeling was? She couldn’t quite place it.

This thing’s pretty warm, huh. Maybe working for this guy won’t suck so bad.

Author's Note: holy hell this chapter took a hot minute to make. it's the longest one yet, over 6,000 words!
I will be on vacation sometime in the next week, so unless i manage to crank out ANOTHER chapter in four days (unlikely) there'll be a little bit of a break. Don't worry, the brainrot is too strong for me to ever give this up.

Chapter Text

Gods typically possess two ‘main’ forms.

Their ‘normal’ form, which they appear to their followers as, or for convenience of getting around. Most are humanoid, but a few exceptions exist. Regardless, most mortals will only ever see a deity in those forms. When they want to make a public appearance, this is what they’ll use.

Their true forms are significantly more eldritch, not normal at all. Beholding one can drive someone mad, blind them, or some other nasty effect. If you can look upon the true form of a god and not lose your faculties, you are a rare specimen indeed.

-The Pantheon of Milennia- A Primer

I hate these meetings.

Zarnath grumbled as he teleported back to Deus Mons. Every week, the Pantheon of Milennia gathered to discuss the state of the world, and argue over whether the latest party of adventurers would succeed in their quest.

He didn’t even realize he was late to this week’s meeting until Evelice had shown up and ruined his night out. Not that he cared in particular about showing up to every single one- they’d been going on ever since he’d joined the Pantheon, it wouldn’t matter if he missed one- but given that he’d just given two high-profile summons to his daughter in a short time, it probably would help if he was there to smooth things over.

Just because I’m the god of chaos, I’m always the one who’s being called reckless when things go wrong… at least I’m DOING something. They’re just sitting on their behinds waiting for someone to help. Pathetic!

If he’d known that becoming a god would invite this much annoyance sometimes, maybe he would have thought about it for more than a few seconds before accepting.

Oh, who am I kidding- no I wouldn’t! It’s too much fun, heh heh.

He assumed his “normal” form, which resembled a vaguely humanoid shape, clad in a tattered purple robe- but the face was completely hidden save for a devilish grin and glowing eyes. Tentacles and eyes poked out of the various holes in the robe, and more purple tendrils undulated from the sleeves and bottom of it. He had many forms, but this one was the most useful for commiserating with his fellow deities, boring as it was.

After all, he’d tried coming to one of the meetings in a few of the others, only to get so much grief from some of them that he’d reverted back to this. Killjoys, the lot of them. Do they know how much effort I put into making them look as unholy as possible, what with all the slavering maws and screeching holes everywhere? Trying to leave as little slime behind as possible, he slinked inside the temple. With luck, this would be over relatively painlessly.

Deus Mons was a pristine construction- a domed white temple, seated perfectly on the flat top of the mountain. It looked unassuming from the outside, but inside it was much bigger. The construction of the place had been a true team effort- Kriella had created the design of the building, Steli had worked tirelessly to mine the best stone and metal to reinforce it, Volkhar carried the stone up the mountain- and of course, Leonis had badgered the others into being allowed to decorate, not trusting the task to anyone else.

All that effort… eh. It could be better. Too symmetrical, not enough bizarre attachments- living or otherwise. But every time I try to add something, everyone else complains… perfection is overrated.

Contrary to what the Empire’s leaders thought, the seal on Deus Mons was not absolute. After all, you cannot truly imprison a god. However, it did greatly limit what they could do outside its bounds. Things that once would be child’s play, like creating a simple earthquake, or blowing an army away with a tornado, were now almost impossible due to the strength of the barrier.

Due to this, the gods had to be more subtle in their meddling. Appearing only occasionally, in forms much less powerful than their usual. Hence, having to appear as a tiny little blob.

Zarnath was by far the one that escaped the most, fitting for a god of chaos. The others worried about what he would bring about with his constant meddling- he simply didn’t care.

He slinked into the throne room, hoping that this would be quick for a change. He had a daughter to watch over, a favorite bride to surprise- their anniversary was in a week after all, and he’d be damned if he was going to forget.

Wonder how I should surprise her… jumping out of a hole in the wall is too played out. As is sneaking out from under the bedsheets... I could try to use the bathtub, but the timing of that will have to be very specific…

The central pavilion was a sprawling affair, with the fourteen thrones of the pantheon surrounding a central table with a scrying stone in the middle. Well, thirteen thrones- a certain top god was too big for a standard one.

Fortunately, Evelice was not in the throne room at the moment, a fact which surprised Zarnath. She has the time to drag me away from something completely benign for a change, and she can’t even show up on time to her own meeting? Blegh.

Unfortunately, he was not the first to show up- her husband, and the other top god, Drakoth, was present and accounted for, staring at the scrying stone in the center of the room. It was a regular occurrence on Deus Mons- for the lack of anything else to do, the gods would make wagers on whether the latest promising band of adventurers would succeed in their quests.

Not all of the gods were typically present for this- after all, bands of adventurers were a regular occurrence, and most of them… did not get very far. But this one! This one has potential! I would know, my own flesh, blood, and eldritch energy is present! Zarnath cackled to himself. I’ll win the bet this time, I know it! And then all the other gods will owe ME favors for a change!

Noticing Zarnath’s entry, Drakoth lifted his head, his usual high-and-mighty grin ever-present. “Ah, the god of chaos returns. What have you been doing on this excursion? Something useful to get us out of here, I would hope.” Drakoth chuckled.

Yeah, thanks, big red. I’ve been on the same level as you for over 600 years, maybe you could let this go by now.

Drakoth’s default form was an enormous red dragon, with eyes of smoldering flame, claws that resembled blackened knives, and clean white teeth sharper than any blade. Upon his head rested a crown carved out of jagged black crystal, and around his neck was a golden necklace adorned with an enormous red gem. Everything about him screamed, “I am the most important person in the room, pay attention to me.” He tended to take up a significant portion of the council room all by himself. He didn’t even have a proper throne, since such a thing would never fit someone of his size. Zarnath was convinced that he COULD take a smaller form, he just didn’t. And nobody except Evelice could dare take his ego down a peg most of the time.

Ugh. I HATE this guy. He thinks he’s better than everybody… just because he could beat most of us in a fight doesn’t mean he’s all that. Whatever Evelice sees in him, I don’t get it.

Zarnath knew better than to engage Drakoth’s snark seriously. He may have had an ego the size of a planet, but he was one of the two top gods of the pantheon for a reason- his battle prowess and sheer cunning were almost unmatched. If it weren’t for Evelice, history would have taken a very different path. I don’t feel like arguing with this guy- he’s got enough hot air for an entire volcano, and then some!

But he couldn’t resist throwing in a little jab. Zarnath shrugged, putting on the most punchable grin he could muster. “Sorry, unlike some people, I have to leave the house to get some… stress relief.”

Drakoth’s nostrils flared and his eyes glowed with a building rage. “Do not insult the name of my mate so casually, wretch! She is far more of a paragon than any of your paramours!”

Zarnath rolled several of his eyes. He’d heard all that before, it was an older rant than most living mortals. “Yeah, yeah, we know you worship the ground she walks on. It’s adorable. I’ve got good ladies and gents in my corner as well, but you don’t hear me constantly blathering about their honor, huh?”

Drakoth slammed his tail against the floor, making the chamber shake. “One more word out of you, and I’ll burn that robe off your-”

“Silence your bickering, it only invites disorder.” A low, annoyed voice cut off Drakoth mid-retort- Kriella, goddess of insects, had entered the room. Thankfully, she was one of the few deities Drakoth respected, so he actually listened.

She resembled a bizarre fusion of praying mantis and bumblebee, standing on two thick legs- like the insectoid races she created. She had four hairy arms, resembling the legs of an insect. The top pair of limbs being a fair bit longer and skinnier, while the bottom pair were much hairier, and thicker. Her antennae twitched periodically, but she did not need to turn to look at either of them, thanks to her compound eyes, before settling into her throne- which lacked a back, to account for her large, fluffy abdomen.

She buzzed in an annoyed tone, “At least I am not the first to arrive, for once. Zarnath, I’ve heard you’ve been disruptive as usual.”

Here we go again… is she ever gonna like me? Not that I give a hoot, but it’s annoying to hear that constantly, y’know.

“Eh, it’s kinda in my job title to be disruptive, y’know? At least I’m doin’ something. Haven’t you heard about the new party?”

Kriella was busy twiddling her thumbs with both pairs of arms- twice the amount of expressing one’s boredom to go around! “No. I do not concern myself with every mildly promising group of people with delusions of grandeur.” Yeesh, always an ice queen… more than the goddess who lives in snow all the time.

Zarnath shrugged. “I’m tellin’ ya, this one’ll be good. Trust me, I’ve got an insider source on the matter.”

Kriella rolled her many eyes, buzzing incredulously. “Zarnath, you always think the latest batch of adventurers can topple the Empire… people have been trying for over a hundred years. It’s like an anthill trying to devour an elephant. It simply does not happen.”

You and your insect similes. But I’ve got my own symbolic retorts, I’ve been practicing! Zarnath grinned. “Hmph. All it takes is one ant biting some sensitive anatomy, like an eye, and that elephant will be in major trouble.”

Kriella looked unperturbed. Granted, her face didn’t really allow for displaying her feelings very well, but her tone gave it away. “The chances of that are astronomically low. You’d have better luck trying to dig through a castle wall with a spoon, while arrows are raining down on you.”

Zarnath shrugged, chuckling. “That may be true, but I have a good feeling about these. After all, my daughter is in their ranks… that’ll give them a leg, or a tentacle, up!”

Two doors on the opposite side of the room opened, and out staggered two more participants.

Oh, it’s the wolf and sheep. Guess they finally got done chasing each others’ tails…

Alviae, goddess of nature sauntered into the room, her usual airy self. Her ‘normal’ form resembled a tall, fairylike woman. Fairies were usually rather slender, but she possessed a much more voluptuous figure than your usual eladrin or pixie- one that was barely contained by the dress she wore, made out of weaved vines and flowers. Her face looked like it had makeup and eyeshadow applied- but no makeup was performed there, that was her natural look.

Zarnath knew, he’d tried splashing her in the face before. Protruding from her back were two large butterfly-esque wings, leaving sparkly dust everywhere they went.

Leaning on her shoulder was Virial, goddess of the hunt. She took the form of a tall, gray werewolf with a toned, muscular body. Enormous claws extended from her fingers, and her snout was kept firmly shut in a stoic expression.

At her waist was a belt adorned with knives, crossbows, and several other hunting implements that Zarnath could not begin to name, though they looked rather deadly. Notably, she was not wearing a shirt- not that she ever did, really. If it wasn't for that thick chest of fur she had, he was sure someone would start moaning about indecency.

Together, the two of them looked like they’d rolled off the wrong side of the bed and into a lake, and only took about ten seconds to dry off and change. Given that Alviae’s room was a natural preserve contained in a pocket dimension, that might have even been literal.

Virial was certainly having a bad fur day- the thick gray fluff was in all sorts of disarray, something that Alviae’s busy hands were taking their sweet time to fix.

“So. What’s on the agenda todaaaay?” Alviae drawled, staring off at nowhere in particular, her hand running through Virial’s furry neck as she leaned on the werewolf goddess.

“You’re late.” Kriella grumbled. “Exactly 20 minutes and 14 seconds late, to be precise.” Zarnath couldn’t believe her ludicrous precision, but she took pride in it.

“Sorryyyy…” Alviae laughed. “We, uh, got a little carried away… and there’s no clock in my room, you see…”

All Virial had to say in response to that was a simple grunt of agreement. She was often a goddess of few words, but since Alviae had gotten close to her, she was up to full sentences- a marked improvement. And besides, her stoic front did nothing to hide her vigorously wagging tail- which only increased in speed when Alviae ran her hand across one of her thighs to pat down a stray tuft of fur.

Zarnath couldn’t help but roll his eyes. I swear, Virial’s reputation as a ruthless hunter is going to suffer if any of her followers catch sight of her like this, especially if she keeps walking funny.

Everyone in the room was trying not to stare at how they were acting. Fortunately, Zarnath had eyes in the back of his head, so he could look anyway.

Drakoth had little patience for their banter, as he did with most things- one of the few things him and Zarnath could agree on. “We are waiting to appraise the newest crop of mortal heroes, to see if they are worth our time and energy.

“That’s it?” Virial grumbled. “There’s so many of those… and most of them are rather poor, to put it mildly.”

Alviae pulled out a pipe, which was mysteriously already lit, and took a big puff before responding. “Ohhhhh, hush, Viri, don’t you want to get out of here? It’s rather boring seeing these same few walls constantly… I miss being able to go out and eat someone’s flowers on a whim.”

“Either that, or breaking out their livestock for shenanigans…” Zarnath chuckled. He knew exactly what she could get up to if she was bored or baked enough.  Alviae could supposedly see the future from those mysterious herbs she partook in. But given how abstract the visions supposedly were, they weren’t as useful as it would seem.

Alviae blew a smoke ring directly towards Zarnath, which he swatted away with a tentacle. “Oh, please, I only break out ones that are mistreated, people who treat them with respect have nothing to fear.” Trying to contain Alviae’s mischief was nearly as difficult as his own, and he respected her creativity. That one time she impersonated a deer some jackass hunter had shot to torment him? Classic.

“Besides, Viri has a lot of excess energy built up. Don’t you?” Alviae wrapped her arm around the werewolf goddess’s shoulder, taking a deep puff of her pipe. It was a wonder how Alviae had managed to ingratiate herself to the famously touch-averse Virial, but the picture was very amusing.

“Hmph. If last night was any indication, so do-” Alviae reached up and put her hand around Virial’s snout for a moment, practically muzzling her. She said nothing else, but Virial returned to her usual taciturn demeanor.

Thankfully, a rain of feathers broke the awkward silence, as Huric, god of the sky, entered the room. He resembled an Aarakocra, his feathers a dark blue that shifted to a white near the edges of his wings. He was surrounded by clouds, which changed from fluffy white to stormy gray depending on his mood.

“Apologies for the lateness, I was very busy.” Huric landed on his throne, his tone betraying his incredible disdain for the proceedings- which Zarnath could certainly empathize with.The gray tone of the clouds surrounding him also didn’t help hide his feelings on the matter.

“Busy playing your childish games, I would assume.” Kriella muttered.

Huric sighed, having had this conversation many, many times with the workaholic insect goddess. “They are NOT childish. They help keep my mind sharp and increase my skills in strategy!”

Kriella started vibrating, her wings starting flap very quickly- both signs of palpable annoyance. “In my experience, they do not seem to be very useful for anything beyond wasting our time that could be spent on more productive endeavors.”

Huric shrugged, putting on a very smug air. “You only say that because you keep losing whenever you play.”

Kriella was seething at the notion, but couldn’t retort. Zarnath would know- the buzzes of rage that filled the godly halls when she lost one of their games were immensely entertaining. Her incoherent buzzes only got louder when Huric had the audacity to yawn in response. He turned to Zarnath, looking bored as ever. “Heard on the winds that you’ve got a personal stake in this one, Zarnath. It’s one of your demigod children, isn’t it?”

“Oh, how could you have possibly guessed?” Zarnath muttered, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Huric chuckled, in that smug way where Zarnath knew he was right, but wanted to smack him anyway. "Zarnath, you have more children than all of us combined. It's always yours." He couldn’t disagree. Out of all the deities, he’d cavorted with mortals more than any other. Even when he was supposed to be keeping a low profile.

“At least you had the temerity to show up on time. I would have thought you were busy playing that ridiculous board game again.” Kriella tutted. Oh, here we go again… Zarnath braced for the annoying bickering that was guaranteed to follow.

Huric groaned. "Oh, buzz off, you've been building a miniature hive filled with miniature bugs for the last month. Don't talk to me about being productive! At least MY followers can handle the weather in my absence!"

Kriella’s wings began flapping intensely, as her rage mounted. “It is a work of great architectural importance! Once I finish it, it will be a model for generations of future hives!!”

Huric scoffed. “Your ‘work’ is made out of chewed wood and your own saliva. I would hardly call it highbrow. Maybe we should get Leonis to weigh in, he seems to have strong opinions-”
“Do not bring that pretentious feline into this!” Kriella hissed. “He makes every project he touches take an eternity with his ridiculous fetish for aesthetics!”

Huric muttered in an annoyed tone. “At least he knows how to have fun, unlike some people…”

“A-hem.” Evelice had finally entered the room, clearing her throat loudly. Her ‘normal’ form was by far the most normal-looking out of all the gods- a tall, toned woman with long hair in a braid, claid in light armor. She carried a mirrored shield on her right arm, and her weapon in her left- a long rod with a spear tip on one end and a magical sphere on the other. White, feathered wings protruded from her back, and a golden halo hovered behind her head.

The most striking thing was her eyepatch, which was punctuated by a glowing red mark on her skin. Ah, the freak flag to end them all. Managed to get away with taming the father of all dragons… guess that’s what being a paragon of good gets you. Her glare could melt diamonds, and it was one of the only things that could make the fearsome Drakoth shut his trap. “I apologize for being late, I was busy.”

“Busy doing what?” Kriella grumbled. “You’re the one that’s late…”

“I had to fix something.” Ah, a characteristically unhelpful answer. Evelice always did that whenever she didn’t want to answer something- giving such simple yet technically truthful answers, such that trying to get anything more out of her was too much trouble. Being unable to lie just meant she had to be more creative with her words. Drakoth’s embarrassed look after she said that spoke a hundred words, though.

Evelice waved her hand over the scrying stone. “Anyway, to business. A new party of promising young adventurers has cropped up in the area near Koboldia… the objective of this meeting is to vote whether they’re worthy of our backing.”

“Were those the ones that caused all that ruckus in Centrum? That was quite something, I must admit.” Huric snarked. “But a few explosions don’t reveal the makings of those who can take down the Empire, we’ve tried and failed for decades.”

“Indeed they were, Huric.” Evelice waved her hand again. “Most of them are run of the mill- the drider, the harengon… but there are some interesting suspects. Namely, this one.” She pointed to Rex.

Just going to ignore the Asteron-shaped elephant in the room, are we? Fine. She’s not who I’m concerned about, anyway. My daughter’s in there, and I’d rather go to hell and back than let anything happen to her!

Drakoth narrowed his eyes when she got to the red dragonborn. “I recognize that one. That little upstart swore an oath to me a decade ago and still hasn’t fulfilled it!”

Virial growled. “The drider looks battle-hardened, but all the others are too green. They won’t last a minute.”

Alviae, whose hands had still not removed themselves from the furry mass next to her, spoke up next. “Now, now, being good at fighting isn’t everything… you know that, don’t you? Magic is just as strong as physical ability. And the one in the suit…” She gestured to Stephen. “He looks unassuming, but something about him- but the visions don’t look good lately…”

“You had better not be appraising the fate of our freedom based on looks. That would be a most poor decision.” Kriella interrupted.

Virial growled in response to the insult at her companion, but one scratch behind the ears from the nature goddess calmed her down. “Ignore her, she’s just a little testy since we were interrupted in our game.”

Virial huffed. “She was cheating. There are rules, and we explicitly banned turning into an- NGH!”

Alviae’s expression had not changed, but her hand had Virial’s fluffy tail in its grip, giving it a brief tug. “Now, now, don’t we have a meeting to continue with, Viri? Let’s finish this up so we can get back to what we were doing.”

Evelice continued, ignoring the snark from the other deities. “Well, you all can probably predict my stance… if they make it past this, we should start paying attention to them. These ones have potential. And besides, it’s not like we have anything else to place our hopes in.”

Drakoth chuckled, bringing his head closer to his partner, so they could see eye to eye. His enormous eyes burned with an eternal flame, and Zarnath could never tell if he was in a good mood or plotting something behind all their backs. He knew Evelice could- she could tell whether people were lying no matter what- but that didn’t bring him much comfort. "Evelice, my dear, you've bet on every party of heroes defeating the Empire... you still owe me four favors from the last few, don’t forget!"

Evelice chuckled, placing her hand on Drakoth’s chin, then another on the top of his head, gently running her hand down the bridge of his nose. "Five, actually. And I don't mind fulfilling my, ahem, favors, you know that. I always keep my promises…"

All Drakoth could do in response was laugh. “Well, if that’s the case… I suppose I’ll bet your way for a change. Because of him.” Drakoth pointed to Rex. “I’d bet my crown on that one succeeding.”

Eh? That guy? He seemed like kind of a blowhard when I’d met him… how’d he get Drakoth of all people to get behind him?

Drakoth grinned, putting on his most dramatic air. Oh gods, he’s going to give a dramatic speech again… delaying the entire meeting… why does he ALWAYS have to do this? “He swore an oath in my name over a decade ago. Going on about how he’d get his kingdom back… I was impressed, so I gave him a bit of a boost. Unfortunately, his progress on that front has been a bit slim… but this could be the push he needs to really live up to my illustrious name.”

All the other gods knew what that meant. Swearing an oath in the name of a god was a quick way to get their favor… but if they gave up, or broke that oath… it invited disastrous consequences for that person. “Sometimes conquering requires longer-term investments. Getting what you want- a kingdom, riches,” He paused, staring directly at Evelice for a moment. “The heart of one’s beloved- does not come easily.”

Evelice chuckled. “Indeed. The blessings of immortality, I suppose…”

The way those two bantered sometimes felt like they were trying to constantly test each other’s weaknesses. Perhaps it was. Either way, Zarnath had become used to it after a hundred years.

He stood up, pointing at the spectral image of Octavia. “Well, it’s patently obvious what direction I’m going in. My daughter’s in that party, and I’d rather eat half my tentacles than let her fail!”

Evelice nodded. “Well, that’s three votes from those present to support this party… Anyone else?”

A heavy silence filled the hall. Of course Kriella and Virial wouldn’t- those two were pessimists. And Alviae tended to make decisions based on her vague prophecies instead of the present. Argh, if only Neptalia were here! She’d back any child of mine in a heartbeat! Anyone?! Please?! Come on… one more vote!!

“Fine.” The vote came from a surprising source- Huric, who normally detested excess work. “I”m sick of sitting here… at least it’ll be exciting if they succeed, and it sounds like there’s a couple gems in that band. I vote we should support them for a change.”

“YES!” Zarnath could barely contain himself. Finally, he’d gotten the celestial oligarchy to DO something- which was harder than it sounded, especially after so many failed attempts. “Ahem. Thanks, very much, feathers- Huric.”

“Hmph.” Huric scoffed. “Let’s hold the thanks until we see if this actually works.”

Evelice stood up. “It seems we are in agreement- let’s try to find openings to throw some good fortune their way if they arise. Meeting adjourned…” She glanced across the squabbling pairs. “You can go back to whatever you were doing, now.”

“Oh, thank us.” Huric groaned. “I have the PERFECT move in mind for this kenku I’ve been playing by correspondence… Speaking of, Kriella, you still owe me something from the last game you lost.”

Kriella buzzed angrily. “I remember very well. I will come up with something to bestow upon you in due time.”

Huric snapped his fingers in a mock gesture of realization.“Well, you could always give me some of that honey you keep making. I know you have so many jars of it.”

The mere suggestion made Kriella flap her wings even faster. “It is not for you, Huric!”

The bird god shrugged, having heard that retort many times. “Then who IS it for? You don’t have any minions in here, you might as well donate it to someone who can use it.”

Kriella stormed off, her chitinous legs making a soft clack against the stone floor of the council room. “Maybe if you lose when we play one of your strategy games, I’ll let you have some.”

Huric sighed loudly. “Oh, come on, that’s not fair!!”

Kriella and Huric stormed off to their respective rooms, the regular spat of bickering concluded. Zarnath knew they’d be back to it soon… as per usual.

Alviae sighed, dusting wolf hairs off of her dress. “Well, if the meeting’s over… come on, Viri, let’s go finish our game. I’m pretty sure you were losing.”

Virial growled. “That is a filthy lie. I was about to engage a fierce counterattack-”

Alviae silenced her with a simple grab of her snout, muzzling her with little effort. “I’ve heard that excuse a hundred times in the last month… you really need to come up with a better one.”

How does she do that? The last time I tried that I got a tentacle bitten off! At least she spat it out afterwards… though the comments about the taste were rather rude.

They seemed in a mighty hurry to get away- Zarnath even thought he saw the nature goddess licking her lips before they slammed the door to her room shut.

Drakoth grunted, sounding rather bored. “If that foolish oath-hogger actually proves to be useful, then I will eat my own claw.”

Evelice ran a soft hand along his scaly chin. “Now, beloved, my intuition is never wrong. Potential heroism can come from the unlikeliest of places. You know that better than anyone.”

Grumbling and turning around, Drakoth turned heel to his room. “I desire rest. I’ll prepare a hot bath. Feel free to join me if you wish.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.” Satisfied, Drakoth squeezed his way through the oversized door, hooking his tail into the handle to shut it behind him. How do those two even TAKE a bath together, he’d drive all the water out from stepping into it!

The only remaining ones in the room were Evelice and Zarnath- and he had something he needed to ask. He was sure she already knew- she always did. “You know you can’t keep ignoring the obvious standout in that group, right? Or their objective?”

Evelice narrowed her remaining eye. She couldn’t lie- so she couldn’t dodge such pointed questions, not without plenty of verbal gymnastics.

“I am aware. Whether that one is actually useful will be determined later. As are whether the Orbs will be a problem to deal with.”

Later, later later, that’s what you always say. Whatever. At least she acknowledged that one. Zarnath shrugged. “Fine. But if they-who-must-not-be-named turns out to be instrumental to our survival… I get to say ‘I told you so’.”

Evelice sighed. “The point has been made. Don’t you have an anniversary to plan for?”

“I’m surprised you even remembered that. And yes, I do!” Zarnath rushed into his room. He had so many ideas to sort through! Hm, perhaps I could harvest some rare ingredients she's never used before... or, I'm sure she'd appreciate an update on how our daughter's moving on to bigger things! Moving on to a proper world-shaking endeavor... she'll be so proud!

Evelice sat in the throne room, ruminating heavily.

“...I suppose I can’t avoid it any longer, then, can I?” Thoughts she had tried to avoid for so long came rushing back for a brief moment. Things she wanted to forget. Thoughts of the war, centuries ago.

“It is ready, my queen. As boiling as a volcanic lake.” Drakoth’s grandiose affections, as always, were the perfect antidote to such thoughts, his rumbling voice snapping her out of her reverie. “Coming, beloved.”

She got up, eagerly anticipating the warmth of her husband’s embrace. It always worked to wash the stresses of her position away, and she hoped she’d never have to live without it.

Author's Note: Sorry this chapter took FOREVER to post, holidays, vacation, and a medicine/insurance scare back to back was a mess. But here it is!
Hopefully the next one won't take so long... though it'll probably be pretty long.
Also, got art of Usagi from @Dragon_Tamer8. He looks so cool, go check out his work!!

Chapter Text

(this one's smutty, yo)

Kobolds are very much a cooperative race, their culture emphasizing each member having their own defined role- usually in service of some greater power or purpose, such as a dragon or a royal bloodline.

Their bonds of loyalty are easily formed and not so easily broken, but those above should not take them for granted- if they find enough reason to distance themselves from their superior, they will do so without a second thought, leaving them high and dry.

However, kobolds do not take themselves for granted either. Some are quite resourceful and full of guile- to better serve their chosen masters, or for their own selfish ends. A lone kobold should not be underestimated, for one should consider- if there is only one, how have they survived despite their weak physical stature?

-The Races of Millennia

A few days before the party arrived at Koboldia…

It was the late afternoon, and the Tender Bar did not have any customers to tend to.

Kollin rolled his dice, bored. Two more sixes. He didn’t know why he kept doing this- the dice were loaded, after all- but he needed something to occupy his time. His job was to make extra money for his wife by swindling travellers out of their money with his dice and smooth talking.

Khloe had been polishing the same glass obsessively for the last half an hour. The squeaking was getting increasingly louder- and by the sound of it, she was getting just as restless as he was. “Hubby, I’m boooored.”

Khloe moaned. “No one’s coming in today…”

Kollin grinned. Whenever she said that, it meant one of two things. Either she was going to go out and kill some wild animal for them to eat later, or he was going to be very busy for the next half hour… and on days when the bar was closed, she tended to get bored frequently. “Well, love, everyone’s a little on edge thanks to those disappearances… No wonder they want to stay inside.”

Khloe put the glass back, slumping over the counter. “Welllll… if no one’s gonna come in, maybe we could close early.”

Kollin chuckled. “And do what, love?” As if I didn’t already know the answer. He couldn’t complain too much. Growing up constantly having to lie and cheat his way to financial gain, someone like her who wore her intentions on her sleeve was a refreshing thing. After all, it was why he’d married her in the first place. Kollin cracked a sly grin. “Actually, I have an idea… we could, well, break in that new counter.”

His wife gasped, instantly getting his meaning. “What?! We just got that counter installed last week! And you want to… mate on it?! What if it breaks?!”

Kollin chuckled. “Think of it this way, it’ll be a good stress test. You know adventurers, constantly coming in and leaving places a mess…”

Lizardfolk couldn’t visibly blush, but her tone made it clear she would be if she could. “Oh, how naughty… let’s make this a bet, shall we? If I manage to get you off in under a minute with just my mouth, you’re cleaning up any stains this makes.”

Oh, ho. How fascinating. Khloe making bets on her performance was an extremely common occurrence. Most of the time she won, but the few times she lost, that was when the real fun began. “What happens if you fail?”

Khloe grinned slyly. Oh boy. When she makes that face, she’s confident she’s going to win. “Well, then you can suggest anything you want to do afterwards.”

“Anything, huh? I’ll accept that wager, love.” 

He could see Khloe licking her lips already, her gray, forked tongue flicking out of her emerald snout. He knew exactly what- and who- was coming. “Well, get on the counter, hubby.” Kollin eagerly clambered onto the flat surface.. Several times he thought she’d get bored of doing that, but she dove into it with gusto every single time. Meeting her is the best bit of gambler’s luck I’ve ever had, heh. Sometimes he questioned why she was so accepting of his choice of career- but they’d been together for four years. If it didn’t matter then, it wouldn’t matter now. He ran off to put up the ‘closed’ sign at the bar’s entrance- didn’t want anyone interrupting their work break, after all.

Khloe was getting all excited again. If the customers knew what that barmaid’s outfit had been involved in, their clientele would probably be cut in half. Good thing it’s dark green, it helps to hide any, ahem, spills. And what they don’t know won’t hurt them…

She could already see something rising under the cloth before she grabbed his robe and yanked it off- and the sight she beheld never disappointed her.

Her gaze centered on his sly, grinning face- that tongue was capable of sweet words and even sweeter pleasures. His wiry, scaly chest which was a brighter, paler green than the rest of his body. His slender arms, which were very firm and toned despite their diminutive nature- especially those hands. Kobolds had a reputation for being stronger than they looked, and she knew that better than most- despite their size, those hands were very hard to remove from her when he got going. Not that she minded in the least.

But the real prize, of course, came between his legs- she could already see it poking out from his slit a few inches, but that wasn’t all of it.

She flicked out her tongue, tasting the air- and the scent of her husband’s cock- and pulling that smell back inside her snout, where it rushed through her mind. “Mmm, you smell so good… just like a good hubby ought to.” Lizardfolk had a particularly strong sense of smell- the first time she’d gone on about how attractive his scent was, Kollin was a bit weirded out, but he’d gotten used to such comments.

“Heh. Glad I can fill that role, love.” Kollin said, looking very content with himself.

Khloe nuzzled his groin with her snout for a bit, giving a few cursory licks, taking in that heady scent she’d become so familiar with. “Come on… let’s get it all out of there…” He gasped, it was sensitive. A fact that they were both very aware of. Come on, hubby, let’s get it all out in the open…

She knew she could go faster, but that was less fun. One last forceful nudge was enough to coax the rest of his cock out, making him grunt softly.

She leaned back to take in the sight for a moment. Kollin’s dick would be thoroughly average on a normal-size person, but for a kobold, he was packing quite a bit. They tended to be quite variable- but he was blessed, something that his wife appreciated.

It was around five inches long, a very pale shade of pink, with slightly darker veins running all along its length. But the real excitement came from two things. The first was an assortment of small, fleshy barbs at the bulbous tip. They weren’t sharp, but they were sturdy enough that Khloe could always feel them.

The second, and more interesting, was a small ball of flesh at the base of it, about the size of a small orange- enough that she could take it in her hand easily. It was called a knot- presumably, because once it was inside somebody, they’d be a little tied up. Again, not terribly impressive in the grand scheme of things. But Khloe knew that once it was buried inside her warm, wet hole, it would be a lot more impressive.

According to her research, kobolds typically had only one unique feature- the barbs, the knot, or something else, on their equipment- but Kollin, as usual, was very lucky. And clearly some of that luck’s rubbed off on me, since I get to have him all to myself… heh.

“Ready, love?” Kollin said, nabbing a small pocket watch out of his discarded robe. He always kept it on him- and Khloe made sure he got plenty of chances to use it. “3… 2… 1… go!”

Khloe didn’t waste a moment, gingerly opening her snout to slide his cock inside, slowly, gently. Once she reached the knot, she opened her mouth just a little more to allow the knot past- before gently closing it again around the base.

Kollin managed to get out a few words. “Taking your time, huh? I guess this’ll be an easy win for me then…”

That’s what you think! Now that I’ve got you, I’m going to make you shiver like you’re cold-blooded! She applied just enough pressure to make him shiver a bit.

He was always impressed at her ability to completely swallow his length without any hint of a scratch from those teeth. She swore up and down that she didn’t have any long-term relationships before meeting him, but he somehow doubted that. Not that he cared that much… especially when she did things like this, too good to pass up over a white lie.
Grabbing his hips to hold him in place, she quickened her pace. Her forked tongue swirled around the rod of meat, licking up, and down, the forked tip dragging itself along the veiny cock.

“Gods, you’re so good at that.” Kollin gasped. Khloe couldn’t supply a verbal response given the dick in her mouth, but her chipper grunt of approval got the message across. As she continued, he could feel her mouth getting wetter and wetter, as thick saliva coated every inch of his meat.

Come on, can’t go off this quickly… I have a bet to win!

She could feel him getting more tense by the second, he was straining to not cum too quickly. Too bad, hubby, I’m going for a record. Ten seconds left… it’s time to pull out all the stops!

She began to emit a low growl from deep in her throat, starting to breathe faster… And her head and throat began to vibrate, gently at first, then faster and faster. “Oh, c-come on, that’s… you’re too good at that!” Kollin gasped as a small spurt of precum came out of his twitching member.

There we go. Just a little more! The taste and smell of her husband never failed to get her excited, and she increased her fervor, growling loudly. His cock was beginning to twitch and throb more and more. She wrapped as much of her tongue as she could around it and squeezed, driving another grunt out of her adorable husband. Come on… I’m going to win!

Finally, just as the time was about to run out, she applied just enough pressure with her muzzle to the slender base of his cock, behind his knot… and before long, Kollin had lost his composure, and the bet.

His toes curled and fingers clenched, digging slightly into the wooden countertop, and he let out a loud grunt of pleasure as he released his building orgasm inside Khloe’s emerald maw. “...d-damnit… every time you do that, I can’t hold back anymore…”

I know, it’s one of my best skills. Practiced it for ages before meeting you!

Now that the time limit was done, she could take her time lapping up all of the mess he’d made. She never wasted a drop of all that delicious fluid, it was too tasty and addicting for that.

Kollin’s mind was reeling from that. She was so good at that, it defied any words he could use. He looked at the pocket watch. A minute hadn’t even passed… He’d lost. Dammit… Guess I’m cleaning this up. Again.

Khloe withdrew herself from his twitching member, licking her chops clean with satisfaction. “That’s a new record! Less than one minute!”

Kollin was struggling to stay sitting up from that, his arms shaking.“That’s not fair, I’m at a massive disadvantage… especially when you do that thing with your mouth…”

Khloe sighed. They’d been through this argument many times, and he’d never won it. “Oh, please, we’re both gifted in different ways. Anyway, you’ll have to clean this up when we’re done…” Kollin looked down, and spied a telltale stain on the groin area of her dress. She’d gotten a little excited too, it seemed.

Kollin rolled his eyes, exasperated. “Oh, for- fine, I guess it’ll be my turn to do laundry this week…” It’s not fair, your clothes are so much bigger than mine! And they’re always dirtier…

Khloe giggled. “Though, if we have to wash it anyway… might as well get it properly dirty, shall we?” Before he could react, she stood up, snatching her husband up in one fluid motion. Licking her lips, she moved closer to his face, sporting a lascivious grin.  “Come here, I want to taste you a little bit more.” She opened her mouth, and he was staring directly down her soft throat…

Kollin suddenly remembered the last time they’d tried what she was about to do. “You’re not going to bite me again, are you?”

Khloe laughed, before nuzzling her hubby’s snout affectionately. “Oh, come on, you shouldn’t be scared of that. You know I’d never hurt you, I love you too much!”

Chuckling, Kollin affectionately stroked the side of her face, making her shiver a little bit. “Just be careful with your teeth, please. We don’t want another accident, do we?”

“That was one time!” Khloe pouted. “And you healed just fine. But I’ll be careful anyway, don’t you worry.”

Thankfully, since they both had lizard-like snouts, making out was substantially easier than it would be if one of them didn’t. They’d practiced this many times before- Kollin tilted his head to the side a bit, opening as wide as he could.

She adjusted her snout so her jaws were perpendicular to his own, opened wide, and pulled him into a deep kiss. Her body His smaller tongue had no chance to take control against the writhing onslaught of her own- it was much longer, and forked to boot. All he could do was relax and let her have her fill.

Mmmph, he tastes so delicious…

Kollin always talked a big game, but she knew just how to bring him to her level. To an untrained observer, it would look like she was trying to bite his face off. To them, it was a passionate expression of their mutual adoration. As she continued plumbing the depths of his throat with her slick tongue, she could feel his rod hardening against her stomach. Oh, Kollin, all ready to go again after just a few minutes. Well, you’ll have to wait until I’ve gotten my fill of you first.

After a few minutes of that, when she’d gotten good and riled up, she pulled herself off of him. His face was dripping with her thick drool, and he had a big, stupid grin plastered all over it. She looked down, only to spy a telltale stain on the stomach area of her dress. She’d gotten him a little too excited again, it seems.

Kollin noticed it too, looking rather sheepish. “Sorry, I can’t help it when you do that…”

Khloe giggled affectionately, giving him another nuzzle. “Oh, it’s fine. We’ll wash it later- speaking of… I have an idea…” She draped herself over the counter, pressing her stomach against the smooth wood. It was short enough that she was practically on all fours, but just a hair too tall to rest her legs on the ground. Hiking up her dress, she exposed her bare rear to him. “Did you forget the bet we made yesterday? Where you drank an entire keg over the course of a day? You won, so I haven’t been wearing my undergarments all day… You’re lucky no one’s come in, otherwise I’d be very embarrassed.” The cool air of the tavern made her shiver.

“I don’t remember that, I was very drunk… but I’ll take it!” Kollin ran over to grab a stool so he could properly reach the height of Khloe’s hips.

Dragging the bar stool over, Kollin shoved it into position behind her. Kollin was staring directly at his wife’s toned rear, her tail raised up high to allow better access to her wet entrance. Lizardfolk didn’t have two holes- instead, they just had one, a cloaca, on their groin area. It was a bit of a surprise at first, but he’d gotten used to it.

Kollin grinned. “Let’s make another bet, shall we? If I can’t hold on and let loose first, I’ll do all the cleaning for the next week.”

“And what if I lose, then?” Oh ho ho, I have just the thing. Been wanting to try that again for ages…

“Hm… oh, I know.” Kollin laughed. “If I win, I get to try going down on you again.”

Khloe looked back at him, slightly worried. “Hubby, last time you tried that I nearly broke your neck… I’m not sure if you’re built well enough to handle my legs squeezing you like that…”

Undeterred, Kollin continued. “Eh, if we just have some healing potions on standby it’ll be fine. We just need practice. And besides… isn’t a little risk what gambling is all about, hm?”

Oh, how dirty! And exciting. Fine. “Fine, I accept. But if you get hurt, you only have yourself to blame… well, come on, hubby.” Khloe waved her tail from side to side, her cloaca wet and oozing with anticipation. “No need to take it slow, neither of us will last long enough for that.” She shivered in anticipation. Ooh, this is so naughty, but it’s exciting!!

“We’ll see about that, love… let’s see who loses it first, heh.” It didn’t take long for Kollin to accept the invitation. With one hard thrust, he slammed all five inches into her, driving a pleasurable hiss out of her. Lizardfolk were cold-blooded- which made the feeling of a nice, warm member doubly stimulating.

For a moment, Kollin stayed motionless inside of his much larger wife. The feeling of her tight cloaca around him never failed to excite him. Lizardfolk were generally quite lithe and toned, Khloe not being an exception, and he knew from experience that extended to every part of them. She could clench so hard with her thighs and cloaca that one of the few times he’d gone down on her, she’d nearly cracked his skull. She was right to be worried.

But dammit, that’s what makes it exciting! The danger! The risk! It’s a gambler’s dream!

“Just one thing to take care of before we really get started…” Kollin muttered. He was no cad who didn’t make sure his wife didn’t get off just as much as he did.

“Take your time, hubby, this bet isn’t time-sensitive…” Khloe drawled seductively.

First, he reached around her muscled thigh to grasp back between her legs, looking for the magic spot… rubbing around blindly for a moment, before Khloe jolted with a hiss of pleasure. He’d found them- her clits. Lizardfolk, in addition to only having one hole, had two of them. A bit of a mismatch, he thought, but it wasn’t his job to question the peculiarities of reptilian biology. Drawing on his years of practice, he carefully positioned his fingers so he could rub both at once- making sure to sync up his finger motions so he could drive her as wild as possible- which she definitely appreciated.

“Ohhhh, that’s good. C-can’t believe how much better you’ve gotten at that…” Khloe hissed.

Indeed, when they’d first met it was rather difficult to adjust to her biology, in addition to his general inexperience. However, that was years ago. He’d had practice. “Well, experience is a good teacher.” Grabbing her tail tightly with his other arm, he began to slide his cock in and out as he kept up his rubbing. In, out, slowly at first, drawing every hiss and grunt he could out of his reptilian lover. He could feel her clamping down already, trying to get every bit of sensation she could from those fleshy barbs on his cock. It was hard to keep from losing it already when he was so aroused and she could clench so tightly, but the thought of winning the bet kept him steady.

“Right, that’s enough foreplay… let’s see who’ll lose their grip first, hm?” Kollin grabbed her tail and hugged it tightly to keep his grip from failing, and started thrusting as hard as he could. In, out trying to get as deep as he could manage before sliding it out again. He had no idea if he could ever reach her deepest limits- but neither of them cared when it felt so good.

“Oh, Kollin! Keep going, just like that…” At her encouragement, her husband started pounding faster and faster, the sound of wet slaps quickening in intensity and rhythm until it sounded like a loud, fleshy drumbeat.

With every thrust, she could feel those barbs raking hard at her inner walls- back and forth, they poked and scratched at her sensitive folds. Of course it was a little painful- but she loved it. Size didn’t matter when he had things like this. She felt something large and hard at the base of his cock- she knew it was his knot. Oh, he’s getting bigger! “Come on, bury that big knot in me!”

She knew that when Kollin was properly buried in her, he couldn’t hold back anymore- and she’d win, if only by a little bit. Because the feeling of that big ball of meat plugging up her hole so none of his semen could escape, never failed make her a panting, hissing mess.

“Can’t do that yet, love, then I’ll lose the bet, heh. Don’t worry, all in due time…” Khloe groaned. She knew exactly what he was going to do- he slammed that big knot inside of her, just for a moment- then yanked it right back out, sending a wave of pleasure up her entire body.

“Nngh! You- ever since you figured out you could do that… it’s not fair!”

“We’ve all got our own aces up our sleeves, don’t we?” Kollin said, ignoring the fact that half the time she wore sleeveless dresses. Kobolds that had knots were meant to lock in place in females their size. But since she was a lot bigger than he was, he could pop it in and out of her without too much trouble… well, except for how immensely overstimulating it was. Every time he did it, it felt a little bigger, and the more stimulating the gesture was. Loud, repeated pops filled her ears as he wrenched it out, then jammed it right back in again. Pop! Plop! It was driving her over the edge…

Come on… can’t lose this easily! He doesn’t even seem like he’s close to going off yet… “Stop teasing me and keep it in there already!” Timing it with another of his thrusts, she clenched on it as hard as she could, squeezing his knot and shaft for all they were worth, finally locking his throbbing cock inside of her warmth. He tried to pull it out, but his knot had gotten too big, and she was squeezing too hard. She could feel every bit of it, throbbing, pulsing. It was too much for either of them to take, and they were both sent hurtling into the abyss of pleasure.

“Dammit, can’t hold on!” Kollin couldn’t hope to hold back any more, finally letting out all that pent up energy he’d been trying in vain to preserve. One spurt, then another, then more… His fat knot held all that warm, sticky fluid inside her, and that warmth spread across his entire member.
It was all he could do to stay standing as he rode the waves of sensation until they finally subsided.

“Ngh! Yes!” Khloe hissed, her mind completely clouded by how good she felt.

At the feeling of him finally coming inside her, Khloe couldn’t hold back anymore either. Her back arched, she gritted her teeth as her cloaca contracted harder around her husband’s slick, warm length. Waves of pleasure crashed over her as she squeezed tightly, trying to milk every drop of essence she could out of him.

If she couldn’t win the bet, she would make sure he enjoyed his win, instead.

After a few minutes, Kollin’s cock withdrew from her with a wet-sounding pop. Khloe lay there on the bar, feeling his semen drain out of her and all over the wooden counter. Well, at least he’ll be the one cleaning that…

“...I guess that’s a draw. We came at the same time…”

Khloe looked back at him, incredulous. “What? I definitely did it after you…”

“That’s not what I felt.” Kollin sat down on his stool, cock still hanging out and leaking the last few drops of his orgasm. “It was so close that it was impossible to tell, really.”

Khloe narrowed her eyes. “Well, what happens if it’s a draw?”

“Well, neither of us get our prizes…” Kollin grinned. “Or both of us do.”

“Oh, you tease . Fine. Next time, I’ll let you do what you were asking for. As long as you fulfill your end, and clean up this mess.” She pointed at the sticky mess that was spreading over the bar counter, getting close to dripping all over the floor.

“I’ll prepare the healing potion!” Kollin laughed, as he grabbed a rag from behind the counter, and got to scrubbing.

A few minutes later, Kollin was having a problem. No matter how hard he scrubbed, the stain from their last round of intimacy wouldn’t leave.

Out, damned stain! Ohhh, Khloe’s not going to be happy about this.

Swallowing his pride and a little bit of saliva, he turned to his wife, who had put on a new, yet very similar dress. “Um, I’m having a little problem.”

Khloe reached down to affectionately rub his head, something he always appreciated. “What’s that, hubby?”

Kollin scrubbed again. Nothing. “The, um, stain from our last, ahem, encounter isn’t coming out.” He said sheepishly.

Khloe gasped. “Oh, for- what are we going to do?! Someone’s going to come in and see it!!” She fretted. Given how much she’d spent installing that after the last one fell to pieces, he really couldn’t blame her.

He raised his hands in a gesture of peace. “Relax, love. There are stains everywhere, all the time, on every piece of furniture ever made. I guarantee you, as long as it’s not fresh, nobody is going to bring it up, it’ll be too awkward for them.”

Khloe whirled around and glared at him intensely, her piercing gaze threatening to impale him. “You’d better be right, otherwise you’re not getting any tail for a month after this! That counter was expensive!!” She huffed.

“Let’s hope I’ll still get my prize, at least…” Kollin muttered.

Author's Note: Finally, the first smut chapter!!! (only took over 50,000 words to get here.) The actual plot will resume next time. Who do you think will perform the best in the upcoming BIG FIGHT?

Chapter Text

The Ashen Woods, located near Koboldia, are an odd place. Despite the name, the trees inside are very much alive. But due to its proximity to the volcanic region of Dragonia and the Blasted Expanse, the forest’s trees maintain a blackened look that never really goes away.

Supposedly there is a cliff face deep in the woods covered in holes- apparently the kobolds of the area used to live there before leaving to found Koboldia, and it is filled with tunnels and handholds inside. It is rather barren now, but perhaps some secret still lurks inside.

-The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Milennian Tourism

Rex woke up with a headache, an extremely parched palate, and for once- no nightmares.

That’s… that’s the first time that’s happened in a while. 

Yesterday, after getting settled in the inn, he’d bought food for everybody else, before heading off to sleep immediately. He hoped dearly they hadn’t gotten into any MORE chaos after he’d left. I suppose I’ve earned the right to sleep in a little bit, before I get thrust back into the heat of adventuring-

“HEY, REX, GET OUT OF BED! EVERYBODY ELSE IS UP ALREADY!!”

Spacey’s shrill voice cut through his sleepiness like a hot knife through meat, followed by stomping footsteps and her usual loud clanking. He looked around, eyes bleary- Stephen and Usagi were missing from their own beds. He was the last one to get up. Curses! I’m not setting a very good example, here…

He staggered to his feet, muscles protesting after every lurching movement. I need to remember to stop sleeping in my armor, I always ache in the morning after I’ve done that… Opening the door, Rex heard tons of blathering from downstairs- immediately torpedoing any hopes he had for a peaceful, quiet morning.

But his growling stomach and pounding, dehydrated head outweighed his wish to sleep more, and he stumbled down the stairs towards his companions.

As Rex approached the table, Celeste turned to greet him, her bubbly voice as infuriatingly chipper as usual. “Good morning, Rex! Are you ready to continue our glorious quest to save the world?” All Rex could get out was a noncommittal grunt as he pulled out a chair and sat down.

It’s too early for your mindless chatter, please… I need a minute to collect myself…

“Our fearless leader returns to the land of the living.” Usagi slid a plate of eggs and dried meat over to Rex. “Did you have a good rest?”

“I was, until a certain artificial woman woke me up…” Rex grumbled, shovelling food into his mouth. Stop talking to me… please, for the love of the dragon god, let me have breakfast in peace…

“Yeah, you better get used to that. I wake up at the same time, every day… like clockwork! Well, I mean, I don’t have any literal clockwork, I run off But still.” Spacey said.

Pointedly ignoring the pink machine, and mourning the loss of his peace and quiet, Rex turned to the others. “Please, for the love of Drakoth, tell me that you didn’t cause any MORE mayhem last night…”

Spacey was the first to answer. “Nope! Everyone just kind of went their separate ways. Nothing to report!”

“Thank the gods for small mercies, at least…” Rex muttered.

“Well, except for HER.” Spacey grumbled, pointing to Arandia. “She REALLY didn’t want to get out of bed, either. Talk about ‘not a morning person’, it took me yanking off that blanket she had to get her moving!”

Arandia was currently even more irritable than usual, which was quite a feat. “Shut the fuck up, scrap-heap, I’m not used to getting up this early. Usually as a merc you get to choose your own work hours. I need a beer. Now.”

Usagi chuckled. “This early? You’re getting a head start, I see.”

Arandia slammed her fist on the table, making everyone’s plates shake with the force. “I’m gonna give somebody a head start through a wall if I don’t get something to drink in the next minute.”

Thankfully, before Arandia could succumb to her angry impulses, the pink kobold innkeeper came up with a large beer stine. “Here it is, ma’am-”

“Good. Gimme that.” Arandia yanked it off the tray before she could even put it down, and gulped it down in a matter of seconds, letting out a loud belch. “Ohhhhh, that’s better. Need another one, please.”

The pink kobold ran off again, carrying the empty glass with her. Clearly she is going to be busy getting back to her normal level of inebriation. Rex shifted his attention to Stephen, who somehow looked in worse shape than he was. “Mmmph… that… that could go there… yes…”

Octavia was busy mixing something in a miniature cauldron next to him. Rex sighed, before asking, “...what in gods’ name happened to him? He looks like he got run over by a carriage.”

The octomaid giggled, before throwing a suspicious powder into the tiny cauldron. “Oh, don’t worry about him. Apparently he can’t handle a good beer very well. Not to worry, I can make potions for all sorts of things, including waking up sleepyheads!!”

Rex was more than a little disturbed, and he would rather not have one of his party members get violently ill on the day of an important mission. “Could Celeste not just… make it go away? She has healing magic.”

“Apparently she doesn’t do that.” Octavia jerked a thumb at the miffed elf, who had overheard the transparent jab.

Celeste pouted. “Well, exCUSE me, hangovers are not a bodily injury! And besides, it’s self-inflicted anyway. He has made his bed, now he’ll have to lie in it.”

“Nah, no he won’t. Not with THIS!” Octavia held up the teeny cauldron, which was now filled with a thick, purple goop. “This’ll wake him up, easy. Watch this!” She lifted up Stephen’s head, using a tentacle to pry open his mouth. “C’mon, Stephy, open wide, heeeeere comes the parasite…” She dumped the entire contents of the cauldron in his mouth. After a brief pause, Stephen started screaming!

“AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!! Water!! I need water!! Immediately!!” Grabbing the nearest mug of water he could grab- which happened to be Rex’s, much to his consternation- he downed the entire vessel almost instantly.

“What on earth was that?!” Rex whirled around, growling at Octavia. “If you kill any of the party with your shenanigans, you’ll be next on the guillotine!”

“Oh, that’s better…” Stephen gasped. “My word, that flavor… that was indescribable! What WAS that?!”

“Eh, just a simple little wake-up potion… a shot of unholy pepper, eldritch goo and the vastness of time and space directly to your tongue! Works wonders, doesn’t it? You probably shouldn’t rely on those, though, there might be side effects if you drink too many. Like growing tentacles in odd places.”

Stephen coughed, shaking his head. “I’ll keep that in mind, thank you… Phew. That is a powerful substance indeed.” Stephen returned to his meal, his former hangover seemingly completely disappeared. As long as it works, I suppose… though if I ever have the misfortune of having to drink such a thing, I think I’d rather hop off this mortal coil first.

Rex quickly devoured the food on his plate, Ah. Much better. “So, we should share the information we gathered yesterday-”

“Oh, we already did that.” Spacey interjected. “You just took too long to get here, so we’ve already hashed all that out.”

Rex was secretly relieved. “Well, good, I suppose that saves me the trouble.” And more pointless conversation. 

“Yup, all sorts of useful info we got yesterday.” Spacey reached over to pat Usagi on the head. “Including about how Usagi has a girlfrieeeeend…”

The harengon rolled his eyes and brushed Spacey’s hand away. “It’s not like that… she’s just a useful informant. Known her for years.”

Spacey leaned in closer, narrowing the dots that resembled eyes on her flat face. “Really. Then why is her cart currently parked outside our inn when it wasn’t there yesterday?”

“I haven’t the foggiest. Perhaps this is a better place to do business.” Usagi muttered. 

Spacey and Stephen turned to each other, giggling knowingly, before Stephen pulled out a notebook and begin scribbling god knows what. All Rex knew is that he didn’t want to hear it.

He wiped a bit of food off his teeth, and stood up. “Right. As soon as we’re finished, we shall leave to deal with the danger plaguing this village!” He paused, knowing he was forgetting something. “Oh, right. Arandia, my cape, please.”

“Yeah, uh, about that…” Arandia sheepishly presented Rex’s cape- now soaking wet. “Turns out, uh, the roof leaks… and it rained last night.” She looked away, trying not to meet his gaze. “Sorry about that…”

Rex felt like he was about to bust a vein. Do you KNOW how expensive that thing is?! It- I- Rex swallowed his building rage before he could let it out. It wasn’t her fault, after all- it would be rude to go off over every little thing. That’s not what good leaders did. “It is of no concern. Given the trouble it got me into yesterday, perhaps it will be a blessing to leave it behind. It will dry eventually.” He sighed. “I’ll just go hang that up.”

As Arandia handed it to him, she smiled for a moment. “It was really warm, though. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Feeling a little better about the whole mess, Rex marched upstairs to hang the sopping purple cape up. Hopefully it’ll be dry by the time we need to leave…

Unfortunately, Usagi’s “informant” was asleep when they left, as was the enormous feline attached to her cart. Much to Stephen’s mild disappointment. Pity. She sounds like a lovely lady from what I’ve heard. I suppose I won’t get any inspiration for my literature today…

As the party made their way into the Ashen Woods, nobody was really talking much. Celeste was lighting the way with her glowing staff- a technique she hadn’t shown off before, but was very useful. Arandia was grumbling about being lost again, Spacey was groaning about how annoying it would be to clean the mud off of her, and everybody else was too focused on watching out for threats or ill-placed tripping hazards to say much else.

But Stephen could tell something was off. There was a magical haze in the air, one that weighed heavily on him, a sort of mental fog that clouded his vision and thoughts. He was always particularly sensitive to magic, ever since he was a boy.

All the trees look very similar, almost the same but… that does not make sense. No two trees are completely identical. Something must be afoot!

“Wait. Everyone, stop for a minute.” Stephen lifted his cane. “There is an odd miasma in the area…”

“Yeah, it’s called wilderness smell. You get used to it.” Arandia grunted. “Not like you’d know, probably, being all rich and pretty…”

“That’s rich coming from somebody who hasn’t combed their hair or bathed in months, probably.” Spacey retorted.

“Fuck you, I was in JAIL. They don’t give you combs in jail!” Arandia growled.

“Enough, you two!” Celeste stuck her staff between the construct and drider before they could come to blows, which seemed to work. “Let Stephen finish, please.” He was grateful for her mediating- he wasn’t the best at confrontation.

Moving on from the petty arguing, Stephen continued. “It’s not that, anyway. I can feel a strong magic permeating this forest.” Stephen narrowed his eyes. “Something eldritch is at work here.”

“Are you sure it’s not just your nerves? I would understand, venturing into dangerous territory can have people on edge.” Usagi said flippantly.

Celeste spoke up next. “No, he’s right… the air feels off. And Asteron’s telling me something’s up.” Clearly Celeste could sense it too. Oh, splendid, it’s not just me!  

“I believe I have some of what’s happening. One minute…” Stephen prepared to cast the spell he knew to dispel illusions- it normally worked on those he made, but perhaps…

He raised his cane, which shone briefly with a warm, humming glow- and the surrounding changed. The trees looked totally different from each other- different sizes, states of growth, level of burnedness. “I figured as much. This forest is under an illusion spell. Thankfully, it’s not so strong that we cannot find our way through…”

Rex scratched his chin, a brief smile forming before he resumed his typical serious expression. “Impressive. You may have more use in you yet than I thought.”

Stephen was surprised to hear a compliment from Rex of all people, but he was glad to take it.

“Thank you. It is rather difficult to make illusions yourself without being able to spot other ones.” 

Stephen pointed between a particularly gnarled pair of trees. “The level of magic in the area is particularly strong from there. We should be able to find what we’re looking for soon if we go that direction, hopefully.”

“No wonder we were so lost…” Arandia grumbled. “Fucking illusion bullshit, man. We were out here for HOURS!” As she passed a nearby tree, she punched it.

Before long, they’d made their way to a large clearing- marked in the center by a large rocky cliff, with several holes all along it- and a large cave entrance at the bottom.

“Hey, wait a minute… that’s where- that’s where we fought the chimera yesterday!” Arandia said, pointing to the still-relatively-fresh carcass. “Bastard’s still lying there after we killed him. But there wasn’t an entrance there…”

“The illusions in the area probably hid it from your eyes.” Stephen mused. “No wonder you didn’t find it. You were lucky to get out of the forest at all.”

“Do you hear that?” Usagi interjected, his ears perking up. “I hear voices in there. Faint, but there’s definitely something…”

Stephen craned his ear. “Perhaps it’s some sort of auditory illusion- I admit, I do not have much experience with those.”

“I can’t hear nothin’.” Octavia responded. “But you’ve got those big ears, you’re probably right!”

“Ssh!” Rex shushed the group, and they fell silent. Indeed, once the words ceased, new ones replaced them- a wave of mumbling and indecipherable speech. Stephen couldn’t make out of any of it at this distance, but it was definitely words. Who could possibly be out here, in the middle of an illusionary forest? Nobody who’s up to any good, that’s who…

Rex narrowed his eyes. “I believe we’ve found our objective. Let us retreat a bit and plan our next move.”

“Now, we need to know a little more about that cavern before we set foot in there.” Rex addressed the party, who had gathered a short distance away from the cavern. Usagi had a feeling he knew what was coming. 

“Otherwise, we’ll be marching in blindly to our deaths. Usagi, first we’ll need you to scout out the area. Get as much information as you can, so we may make a proper assault with minimal casualties.”

Ah, time to put my stealth skills to the test. Finally, something I’m good at for a change. “Does this mean I don’t have to participate in the actual-”

Arandia, and Rex both responded almost instantly, with a resounding “NO.” He’d expected that response, but it was good to check. Usagi shrugged. “Oh, well. Couldn’t hurt to ask. I’ll be back…”

He trudged off in the direction of the large structure, hoping that for once this mission would go without a hitch. After all, I wouldn’t be able to call myself a phantom thief if I got caught on the first proper heist in front of allies, would I?

As Usagi carefully clambered his way up the cliff, carefully watching for any potential hazards- loose rocks, et cetera, he hoped dearly that what he saw inside would be easy to deal with. Please, just a simple kidnapping job. Nothing magical, no Empire presence… let this be an easy job for a change.

Usagi found a crack in the rocky cliff face. Peering through, what he saw did not assuage his worries. The most notable thing were the kobolds standing there in the large cavern. Well, I suppose we’ve found the missing citizens… But something was off about them. Kobolds were generally constantly moving, performing some task or other, but these were standing stock still, in total orderly lines.

It was as if they were asleep, yet their eyes were wide open.

Perhaps they have been brainwashed… what Stephen and Octavia heard would make sense with that. But by what, though?

What caught his attention next was a large, glass capsule in the back of the cavern. The glass was fogged up, but Usagi could see something moving inside of it. A tentacle here, an eyeball there, a glimpse of something purple and wrinkly near the top… Overall, not a pleasant-looking being.

I have absolutely no idea what that is, but I’m not sure I want to, thank you very much.

Thankfully, it didn’t seem to be awake at the moment, which was a very good thing. Otherwise, I’d be in trouble. And the others too, I suppose.

“AHEM! TROOPS!! WAKE UP, WE HAVE WORK TO DO!!” Oh, this sounds unpleasant.

Looking for the source of the voice, Usagi found it. A kobold, wearing a dark green bodysuit, was standing next to the macabre construction. Hm. Is he the one that Spacey and Celeste were talking about? He doesn’t look particularly threatening. He had a large bandanna on, with a logo resembling a dragon’s head… not that that helped Usagi decipher what his affiliation was, since every draconic or draconic-adjacent lineage had some variation of that as their symbol. They all look the same to me. I know they’re proud of their heritage, but at some point you’d think they’d realize the confusion it causes to everyone else…

The kobold was pacing back and forth and giving what he probably hoped was a rousing speech. Unfortunately, due to his constant voice cracks, it was fairly difficult to take seriously. “Minions, we have a problem. The plan to poison the governor failed, so we will have to deal with her when we rush the village. As long as she is glimpsed killing some of you, the others who aren’t brainwashed will rebel, and cause enough chaos that it will throw the place into total disarray!"

“Yes, master.” All the kobolds in attendance said it in unison.

He turned on his heel, pointing dramatically at nothing in particular. “As long as she is glimpsed killing some of you, the others who aren’t brainwashed will rebel, and cause enough chaos that it will throw the place into total disarray!”

“Yes, master.”

“All right, you can stop saying that. It’s disturbing.” The green kobold shivered. …is this one sane? He’s just casually telling me his whole plan… not that he knows I’m here, but still.

“Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice that must be made for the mission. Remember, minions! What is the plan?”

All the kobolds in attendance spoke up. “KILL THE GOVERNOR.”

Kobra put his hand up to his hear. “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

The chorus of voices spoke again, louder this time. “KILL THE GOVERNOR!”

“That’s right!! Kill her or die trying!! We march in one hour!!”

As the diminutive leader continued to ramble, Usagi shook his head. “Of course this was never going to be a simple thing, was it.” Usagi muttered. “At least I”ll get paid for this… hopefully…”

Sighing ruefully, he started clambering back down from his vantage point, preparing to make his way back to the others. This was not going to be a quick or easy affair, that was for sure.

Rex was a bit relieved to see the rabbit make it back with no injuries or enemies on his tail. Oh, splendid. He can actually pull off stealth missions, I’ll have to note that. “So, Usagi. What do you have to report?”

“Quite a lot, I’m afraid. This is not going to be an easy thing to deal with.” Usagi sat down on a nearby log. “At least we know where the kidnapped citizens are… but there’s a problem. Namely, that they’re seemingly brainwashed, and there’s a kobold in a ridiculous bodysuit in there giving them orders.”

“Kobold in a bodysuit?” Spacey spoke up. “It’s gotta be- yeah, it’s has to be that guy who tried to assassinate the governor earlier!”

Celeste gripped her staff tightly, fuming. “We must administer divine justice on that man, lest he cause more awfulness in the long run!”

“Might want to work on your intimidation factor, lady.” Arandia muttered. “That wasn’t very good.”

Usagi cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention back. “Ahem. In addition to that, there’s this bizarre thing in a glass case… tentacles, an eye… I have no clue what it might be, but it looks rather unsettling.”

“Ooh, sounds eldritch. I can probably deal with that!” Octavia perked up over the mention of tentacles. “Can I kill it?! Or recruit it?!”

“I think everyone here would much prefer it if you killed it.” Rex growled. Octavia shrugged, that vacant stare never leaving her unsettling eyes. “Give me a minute, I need to come up with a plan.”

“By yourself?” Usagi spoke up. “You’re not the one who actually saw the layout of that place-”

“Oh, shut up. He came up with a plan on the spot yesterday and it saved both of our asses.” Arandia shot back. “At least let him propose something before you complain about it. If it sucks, THEN you can tell him.”
It was surreal seeing someone actually have respect for his authority. Rex really hoped this would become a trend for a change. “Thank you, Arandia. Now, where was I…”

Stephen has illusion magic, but he’s fragile, so I’ll get Arandia to cover him while he distracts the kobolds inside.. Usagi would be an excellent person to take down that kobold, but he shouldn’t fight alone- Spacey should go with him. Octavia seems to have experience with whatever’s in that capsule… I’ll go with her to take it down, with Celeste to heal us.  A perfect plan!

“Right. Got it. First, we are aiming to NOT harm any of the citizenry.” Rex pointed at Arandia and Stephen. “Stephen, you create a distraction to lure the kobolds out of harm's way. Arandia, after that happens, you’ll be there to cover Stephen in case something terrible happens.”

“Man, I’m stuck with him?” Arandia groaned. “Not the worst idea, I suppose.” Stephen didn’t appear happy about the arrangement either, but he wisely said nothing.

Next, Rex gestured to Usagi and Spacey. “Usagi and Spacey, you handle that small kobold- I suspect that he can do more than he lets on, so engaging him solo would not be wise.”

“I’m not sure that Spacey is, ahem, a good fit for stealthy ambushes…” Usagi muttered.

Spacey shrugged. “We’re not gonna need stealth if we can just knock him out before he does anything. Besides, I’ve got a secret weapon!” 

Rex could feel his migraine coming back. Hopefully it’s not like the last one. I would rather not have this forest burn down… “Octavia and I shall engage the Brain directly, with Celeste covering us in case we need healing.

“I shall guard the leader of the prophecy with my life!” Celeste nodded. At least she’s loyal… and dedicated.

Rex stood up. “Now, are there any questions?” Please, let’s hope not… this plan is quite simple.

“Yep! So, just to be clear, noooo killing anybody else other than the brain?” Octavia piped up.

Rex sighed. “No. We are aiming to free these people from this situation, not create casualties.”

“If somebody ELSE comes in that’s not a citizen here, can I-”

“If they seem malevolent, do what you must to defend yourself…” Rex sighed. Good grief, must I spell out orders for every possible situation?  

“Does this make sense to everyone? Any more questions?” Nobody raised their hands. Rex nodded. “Good. Let us move!”

Please let this work. For the love of Drakoth, please let this work!!

Author's Note: Sorry this chapter took so long and leaves off on a cliffhanger, it was gonna be longer but I felt like this was enough to post by itself. Hope y'all are looking forward to the PLAN, heheheheheheheehehehe.
Also, new art from @Dragon_Tamer8 of Octavia, it looks SO GOOD!!! Give him a follow please!!
Hopefully the next one won't take so long to drop. As always, feel free to leave feedback!!

Chapter Text

Any race can have good in them, supposedly.

Mind flayers are one of the few exceptions. Existing for no reason other than the pursuit of knowledge, no matter what ends they must go to get it. Their experiments are wide in breadth and horrific in their results, and the scars they left are still felt in places to this day.

The demented deity that created them, Cthalhus, was thankfully wiped from the face of the earth during the War of the Gods. His legions of spawn were completely exterminated by the gold dragon Tamaranch centuries ago, but rumors still persist of a survivor, lurking in the shadows…

-The Races of Milennia- A Primer

Arandia and Stephen were sitting behind a rock near the cave entrance, completely hidden from the mob of kobolds, their leader, or whatever was in that glass tank. The cave ceiling was covered in large stalactites, which Arandia desperately hoped were stable given how sharp they looked. Thankfully, Arandia hadn’t bumped into anything, and Stephen hadn’t tripped over his own feet from nerves. So, all in all, a good start.

“So. What’s the distraction you have planned? More of that fancy illusion shit?” Arandia whispered. “A simple knight probably isn’t gonna cut it here…” She had to curl up her legs and bend over really far to not be visible from behind that rock, a position which looked extremely uncomfortable for her.

She doesn’t seem very confident in my abilities. Oh well, a sufficient enough demonstration should prove they are invaluable. Hopefully. “Indeed. but the larger an illusion, the more difficult it is to keep it up for long. So, give me a moment…” Stephen raised his hands, pink energy swelling from them.

Outside the cave, a projection of a large bronze dragon suddenly appeared- which was noticeable enough to attract the attention of the brainwashed mob. Several voices emanated in the cavern- “Governor is here!” “Kill the governor!” “Destroy!” Before long, the entire group was walking towards the cave entrance in an attempt to fulfill their assigned mission.

The kobold ninja had noticed the shift in his troops, and was not taking it kindly. “What?! What are you imbeciles doing, that- AAAGH!” He jumped back in fear, as the facsimile of the governor loomed just outside his dwelling. “G-governor Seozay, I… this is some kind of misunderstanding!” A quick glare from the projection’s steely eyes sent him screaming to hide behind the glass case. Stephen had to stifle a giggle at the pathetic display. Perfect. He’s too cowardly to come over and see for himself! As long as he stays over there, this plan will be executed to perfection!

Arandia stole a quick glance from over the rock to observe the ruse before ducking back down. “The hell? How the fuck did you do that-”

“Concentrating! Don’t talk to me, please.” Stephen was visibly sweating as he continued to maintain the illusion- and Arandia wisely backed off- albeit with an impressed look on her face. This projection is fairly large, and of course it’s intangible… so hopefully the others manage to deal with the threat first, before someone figures out the deception!

Spacey and Usagi were currently perched on top of the rock structure, peering in through a large hole- thankfully large enough for people to fit through, so they could make a quick entrance.

“Wow, Stephen really pulled it off! If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that’s a real dragon!” Spacey gushed.

“Indeed, he seems to have more talents than peddling for the lowest common denominator.” Usagi mused. “Hopefully that kobold won’t be too much of an issue. He looks rather pathetic, but as I would know, good things come in small and unassuming packages.”

Spacey turned towards him, incredulous. “What weapons do you even have, anyway? I haven’t seen you use any yet…”

Usagi drew a small blade from a sheath on his hip. “Just a simple wakizashi, more than enough to dispatch most common guards.” Spacey didn’t look impressed. “What, not flashy enough for your advanced tastes?”

“Not compared to my Charge Blade, version 0.5!” Spacey brandished her odd weapon dramatically. “I built this baby out of an ancient energy generator! It siphons energy from the impact of blows, then uses that to make explosions!!”

“That’s, ahem, interesting.” Usagi muttered, not even remotely comprehending how that would work. Artificing is far too complicated a business for me, especially when a simple knife does the job just fine. “One half… does that mean it’s not finished yet?” Usagi didn’t want another repeat of the disaster with the Force Cannon that sent their boat flying away…

Spacey sighed, exhaustedly. Hm, perhaps I have touched a proverbial nerve. “No, it isn’t… but I can guarantee it works as intended! It’s just, uh, missing some features. The shield needs some improvements before it’ll work properly.”

Her enthusiasm is incredible, but her grasp of long-term planning seems to be a bit less. “Let’s hope they’re not safety features…” Usagi muttered. He looked back at the now-empty cavern. The kobold leader was still cowering behind the glass tank…

A prime opportunity to catch him off guard. If we pull this off, we might not even need to contend with whatever is in that tank. Hopefully. Usagi tied a rope to the nearby rock, and lowered it gently into the hole. “After you, ma’am.”

“Don’t call me ‘ma’am’!” Spacey huffed. “I am only forty years old since waking up after falling through my parents’ ceiling, thank you very much!”

Well, you certainly don’t act like it… Usagi resisted the urge to throw out a witty retort- he knew better than most how sensitive women could be about their age. He’d asked Fuku about hers once, and all she’d responded with was “Age is just a number, not an expression of a lady’s worth!”

Chuckling at the thought, he followed the construct down the hole, carefully climbing down the rope. Spacey followed behind him- he hoped it would hold under her weight.

Rex, Celeste and Octavia were carefully sneaking in through a back entrance they had found in the rear of the large structure. Unfortunately, said back entrance was very dark and narrow… and neither of his compatriots were very well coordinated. “Slow down, will you!” Celeste moaned. “I have to feel my way around this mess!”

“I don’t have legs, yet I’m somehow faster… bit of a sad problem to have, huh?” Octavia chided.

Needless to say, their attempt at a stealthy entrance was doomed almost from the start. Every word that came out of their mouths felt like a spike being jammed into Rex’s brain. If we get caught because of your intolerable bickering, I will tie you both together for a day to force you to get along!

“Something touched me!” Celeste exclaimed, in a whisper that was just barely not a shriek. “It was awful, and slimy, and-”

Octavia responded with an audible pout. “Sorry, that was a tentacle… and, that’s really rude. I don’t comment on how YOUR skin feels, or tastes.”

Desperate to get them to stop bothering each other, Rex attempted to interrupt. “Tastes?” Rex asked, before immediately regretting voicing that question. Oh, gods, no, I don’t want to know how she knows what we taste like-

“Oh, it’s simple! I can taste through my tentacles!” Octavia chirped, as if that was a completely normal sentence. “Like, yesterday, I shoved one in a mug of beer to make it last longer…”

Oh, gods, please save me from this torrent of information I would be better off not knowing.

“Wait, so you know what the ground tastes like… or anything you grab- oh, that’s so weird.” Celeste said, in a disturbed tone. Weird? Coming from you? That’s a bit rich, isn’t it? Rex swallowed the retort- he didn’t need more petty arguing slowing them down even more.

“Henceforth, you are banned from extending your tentacles for greeting anyone.” Rex muttered. “We don’t need any bizarre comments about how their hands… taste.” Oh gods, her insanity is spreading if I’m saying things like that with a straight face.

Thankfully, they stumbled into the main hall before any more horrible conversations could take place. Celeste nearly walked out into the open, but Rex yanked her back inside the darkness first before she could expose them.

He took a look in the big cavern-  at the entrance, Stephen’s illusion of the governor was quite convincing. Good. The kobolds are too distracted by it to come back here… Looking up, he spied Spacey and Usagi descending from the ceiling as well. Perfect, they’ll take him by surprise. Lastly, he beheld the enormous glass tank. What little he could spy through the fogged glass filled him with revulsion. “Urgh, that thing is horrendous. An abomination on the face of-”

“Wait a minute, I recognize that!” Octavia piped up, interrupting his monologue. “That’s an Elder Brain! Look at how ugly it is.” She shook her head disapprovingly. “Perfectly symmetrical, single eye, pristine glass tank, YEGH! Whoever makes these doesn’t know ANYTHING about proper eldritch aesthetics.”

Rex was very confused, having very little idea of what she was talking about. What?! Are you attempting to communicate, or  Celeste, apparently had even less. “What’s an Elder Brain? An old brain doesn’t sound very threatening…”

Octavia rolled her eyes, as if what she was describing was the kind of thing everybody knew about and she had to educate a bunch of schoolchildren. “What, YOUR parents never taught you about mind flayer life cycles? Sheesh.”

“Sorry, absorbing all of Asteron’s teachings precludes a lot of other information. Hmph.” Celeste grumbled.

“Mind flayer?!” Rex exclaimed. He’d heard whispers of their kind, but they were supposed to have all been exterminated by the gods themselves. If one was alive and still perpetuating their bizarre experiments, that was an ill omen indeed. “I was not educated on the particulars, but I have indeed heard of them.”

“Yeah, when they grow up, they lose all the body parts except their brains, and the brains get HUGE. But this one’s… it’s too small. They’re supposed to be way bigger than that…” Octavia mused. “And also, they don’t normally have eyes. I wonder if something weird’s been done to it!”

“Whatever the case is, let’s hope it stays asleep for now… if we can dispose of it without it waking up, that would be ideal.” Rex muttered. “Now, all we have to do is wait for Spacey and Usagi to distract him…”

For the love of Drakoth, please let this work.

I can’t believe this shit is working. I guess that smut peddler is worth something after all… Arandia took a glance at Stephen, who was still concentrating intently. There’s no way this can go off without a hitch, right?

“Wait a minute…” Kobra muttered. “The governor is a famously wordy sort. Why would she not go on a lecture about how I’m trespassing, or some other nonsense…” He thought for a brief moment. “It must be an illusion of some sort!” He turned to the glass case and began knocking on it. “You! Elder Brain Number 24! Wake up!! I need you to tell me if that thing has actual thoughts, or if it’s a pathetic simulacrum!”

Arandia gritted her teeth. Uh-oh. Shit! If whatever’s in there wakes up, we’re gonna be in deep shit. Thinking quickly, she grabbed a nearby rock, hucking it at the kobold!
It didn’t hit him, but it was close enough to attract his attention away from the specimen in the glass case, at least.

“What?! WHOEVER IS HERE, SHOW YOURSELF!” Not gonna happen, idiot…

Before either of the two could react, however, Kobra quickly pulled out a crossbow, and shot an arrow upwards- which was aimed nowhere near either of them.

He’s trying to psyche us out. Just gotta stay here and not get caught. Simple…

“I know you’re here, intruders!!” Kobra fired another arrow at the ceiling- it hit a stalactite on the ceiling near them, causing it to fall directly down and send stone shards and dust everywhere. And unfortunately, some of it landed in her eyes!

“Ow, fuck-” Arandia grunted, before realizing what she’d just done. Oh, for- Arandia, you big fucking dumbass!

Kobra whirled his head “A-HA! YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” Before either of the two could respond to his rhetorical question, Kobra quickly aimed his crossbow directly above them, impacting another stalactite on the ceiling!

Heh, he missed! Idiot- Some dust drifted down onto Arandia, cutting off her though. “Uh-oh.” She looked up, and saw the sharp stone point hurtling right towards them! “Shit! MOVE!” Quickly, before could think about the outcome of it, she rushed over to tackle Stephen- who was too busy focusing on his illusion to notice- out of the way before he could get impaled. By some miracle, he managed to keep the illusion up- though now they were in an even worse situation.

As soon as they got out in the open, Kobra grinned. “There you are. Did you REALLY think that would work?!” He reached inside his suit and pulled out several sharp-looking shuriken! “Harebrained schemes don’t have a chance against Master Kobra, master of subterfuge and planning!!” With that, he hurled the sharp projectiles at the duo!

“Crap! Those things look nasty…” Arandia leaped in front of Stephen and batted several of them away with her scimitar, but she couldn’t get all of them- one of them flew right past and grazed Stephen’s cheek, leaving a nasty gash!

“Argh!” Stephen winced in pain, and the magic energy coming from his hands flickered out. Shit. That can’t be good… Arandia whirled around to look outside- the projection of the governor had disappeared. Fuck. Now we’re really in trouble. Goddamnit! Unfortunately, when he had lost his concentration, it looked like the illusion had disappeared with it. And the brainwashed kobolds had noticed…

Their small voices erupted in a chorus of monotone ramblings. “Governor is gone.” “Where is governor?” “Must kill governor!”

“WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING?!” Kobra’s cracking voice interrupted the incoherent mumbling of the army of kobolds, and they all looked toward him for guidance. He flailed his arm in the direction of Stephen and Arandia. “KILL THEM! NOW!! TEAR THEIR LIMBS FROM THEIR BODIES!!”

“Oh. Well, that’s a bit of a problem…” Stephen muttered.

YA FUCKING THINK, JACKASS?! Arandia had a more succinct exclamation. “FUCK!” She readied her blade, gritting her teeth in anticipation for the now-certain fight they would have to deal with. “They’re comin’ this way. I hope you can at least defend yourself!”

“Well, not physically, but that’s what magic is for, is it not?” Stephen raised his cane. “Cover for me, will you? My constitution does not suit direct confrontation…”

Arandia groaned in exasperation. Fucking skinny-ass noble, no battle training, at least Rex has that! “Fine. You’d better have something, otherwise you’re in for it!” As the kobolds rushed towards her, she readied herself for one hell of a brawl. “COME ON, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS!!”

Uh-oh. Arandia and Stephen blew their cover…

Spacey was nervous, but at least it was less likely that they’d be noticed on the way down. She hoped. What was more worrying was if that kobold ran away before they could get him.

She heard a soft snap. Oh, that can’t be good. What Spacey saw when she looked up did nothing to assuage her fear- the rope was fraying!

Uh-oh… Please, please, please! “Uh, Usagi…” Spacey muttered nervously.

“Sssh!” Usagi hissed. “Quiet.” Listen here, you stubborn hare! This is important for a change!

The bit of rope holding them up continued to get thinner! In a more worried tone, Spacey stammered.“You might want to know about this-”

“I said silence!” Usagi continued to focus, shimmying his way down the rope. Oh, nuts!

“Usagi, the rope!!” By the time the rabbit looked up, it was too late! With a loud snap, the rope tore, and Usagi and Spacey went plummeting to the cave floor! Oh, nuts! Usagi managed to roll deftly into a combat stance, with nary a sound.

Spacey, who was not so agile, failed utterly at making a graceful landing, her impact making a deafening clang that echoed throughout the entire cave. “Ouch… that’s gonna leave a dent…”

“What in the gods’ name was that?!” Kobra  barked, his attention drawn away from Stephen and Arandia towards the new interlopers. “More intruders?! How- HOW MANY OF YOU ARE THERE?!”

Usagi was too busy being annoyed to pay attention to Kobra’s ranting. "You were too heavy for the rope! How much do you weigh?!"

Spacey staggered to her feet, rubbing her shoulder. "I ONLY weigh 300 pounds!"

The rabbit facepalmed, clearly flabbergasted at what he’d just heard. "That's- no wonder it snapped!"

"WELL, EXCUSE ME, IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN LOSE ANY! And I’ll have you know I’m underweight for a machine of my size! Without the armor integrated into my frame, anyway.” Spacey said, not helping her case in the slightest.

“WHAT IS THIS?! Wait, you… YOU’RE ONE OF THE WENCHES THAT RUINED MY PLAN!” Kobra’s enraged ranting drew Spacey’s attention. Right! Need to take down this guy before he does anything else stupid.

“Hey, green, short and angry!” Spacey drew her sword, pointing it at Kobra’s small frame. “Didn’t think you’d get away with an assassination attempt so easily, did you?” She rushed at him, swinging her Charge Blade in a wide arc, but he jumped back! “You’re not gonna get away with this insult to dragonkind!” Spacey tried to stab him with a quick motion, but Kobra jumped directly over her head, landing behind her! How- how is he so fast?!

“Are you mad? You’re as clumsy as an ox, you pile of scrap!” Kobra taunted. “You’ll never catch me with technique like that!” RRRGH! You little brat, I’m gonna grab you and give you to my siblings as a foot rest!

Spacey growled. “Get back here, you little-” Spacey slashed wildly at her diminutive opponent, but he kept dodging out of the way! “Stop DOING that! Stand still!!”

Given most of her practice with her blade had been on large targets, either unmoving or too big to possibly miss, this was not a favorable matchup for her in the least. Stupid- should’ve found sparring partners that weren’t my siblings! They’re so big it’s impossible NOT to hit them!

“And let you injure me with that bizarre blade? I think not- URK!” SInce he was too busy focusing on doding Spacey’s clumsy flurries. Usagi had brained him with the blunt end of his sword, sending him reeling, before following up with a wide slash across his back! “You really need to pay attention to your surroundings.” Usagi chuckled.

Kobra chuckled. “Another one? I’ll admit, you’re better than your clanking compatriot. But you’ll never stop me, not when I have an Elder Brain on my side!”

“Oh, no you don’t!” Usagi darted forward, attempting to catch him before he could enact his plan, but Kobra was just a hair quicker! 

“Ha! For being a rabbit, you don’t seem to have a lot of luck on your side!” Before Usagi could stop him, Kobra pulled out his crossbow and fired a bolt at the glass case- a glancing blow, but enough to disturb the slumber of the horror within! The brain twitched and came to life, waving its tentacles wildly! Kobra laughed maniacally, revelling in the advantage he’d just gained. “Elder brain!! Wake up, and- WHAT?! MORE INTRUDERS?!”

Spacey looked over in the direction he was yelling at, and saw Rex running desperately towards the brain. An opening! Taking advantage of his distraction, she leaped at him, delivering a deep cut to his shoulder, making him cry out in pain!

The blade thrummed with energy. There we go. If I could hit him more times, I’d get more, but this’ll have to do!

Celeste winced at the unholy racket that was filling the cavern. Ooh, it looks like fate is not on our side today…

“This is a plan that took less than a minute to go over! How is it going so awry?!” Rex growled. “Curses! It’s been awakened from its slumber! We must slay this aberration before it can wreak more havoc on us all!” Rex charged forward, with Octavia close behind and Celeste bringing up the rear… by a significant distance, seeing as she was nowhere near as fast.

“Haah… wait for me, will you-” Celeste panted.

“You’re too slow, elf lady.” Octavia lashed out two tentacles, grabbing Celeste off her feet and roughly throwing the elf over her shoulder. “We’ve got mayhem to cause!!”

“Ooh, Asteron keep us safe…” Celeste uttered a short prayer before Octavia rushed into the fray with her in tow. She hoped the octomaid’s insanity wasn’t contagious.

The elder brain turned towards the trio, engorged eye regarding them with some emotion that couldn’t be described in common tongue. Whatever it was, though, it probably wasn’t positive.

“It seems to possess no method of direct attack.” Rex raised his axe. “In that case, this shall be a swift execution!” He swung it down, ready to pulverize the monstrous, fleshy being!

But before his blade could make an impact, the brain’s eye flashed a light purple, and a high-pitched whine emanated from its tank! Rex stopped his assault, falling to his knees. “Argh, my head!!” Rex grunted, clutching his temples. “What- what is this?!”

“Rex?!” Celeste shouted with concern, rushing towards him- but Octavia stopped her, yanking her back with a tentacle.

“Wait a sec, something about this…” Octavia muttered. “Look at his eyes!”

Indeed, Rex’s eyes, normally a bright orange, resembling the brimstone of his family name, were tinted a deathly purple. That’s not normal! What on Milennia could have done this?

“I can’t- I can’t control my body!!” Rex staggered to his feet jerkily, as if some macabre puppetmaster had exerted a hold over him! He started flailing his axe wildly, clomping in the direction of Celeste and Octavia- his eyes vacant and empty.

Octavia put a hand on her chin. “Oh, right, that kobold scam artist mentioned this! There’s voices in people’s heads that make them do things!” Octavia chimed in, her tone unchanging from the bubbly tone it usually had. She lashed out another tentacle to stop Rex’s axe, holding it inches away from her face. “If I had to guess, he’s having his brain scrambled by the elder brain. Better kill it quick!”

“THAT’S REALLY BAD!!” Celeste screeched. “If he’s possessed, then we might have to-”

“Nah, we won’t.” Octavia got into a combat stance. “I’ll hold him off and keep him from doing something stupid. YOU break that glass case! It’s filled with brain fluid, without it the elder brain can’t live!”

“What do you mean by brain fluid?!” Celeste said, before Octavia tossed her aside in the direction of the capsule, in time to hurriedly wrap one of her tentacles around Rex’s body to keep him away!

“Ah-ah, no fire breath for you. I know the prospect of grilled octopus is tempting, but you’ll have to find somebody else, cannibal!” Octavia bitch-slapped him with one of her slimy limbs, sending the possessed Rex reeling for a moment.

Celeste turned to look at the Elder Brain’s capsule.Her staff was practically indestructible- at least that’s what she thought, after all the times she’d dropped it with nary a scratch on it. Which made it a perfect instrument for breaking glassware!

“Come on, you!! Let him go!!” Celeste slammed the tip of her staff into the capsule, hard enough to make a loud ringing sound! Unfortunately, it seemed to be far thicker than it looked- only a tiny crack appeared on its surface. Oh, no. Is it magically reinforced? Celeste prepared to swing again, but before she could connect, she felt something overtake her mind- voices! And it wasn’t Asteron’s voice either!

KILL HER! DO IT NOW!

“N-no!! I can’t- I don’t want to- NNGH!” Celeste fell to her knees, grasping at her head! “Let me- let me GO!”

“Fucking- God damnit!” Arandia growled. One thing she was learning- kobolds were small and easy to throw around, but when there were a lot of them, it was a lot harder to deal with the little pests! And for every one she tossed away, another one came back!

One kobold started grabbing at her legs, and she threw it off. Another attempted to bite her arm, but she punched him in the face and slammed him into the wall.

“Fucking little bastards, they’re so small but there’s so many of them!!” Arandia growled. One had leaped onto her back and was pulling her hair! “OW! You little piece of SHIT, get OFF!” She reached back to grab the kobold’s leg, yanking him off and using him as a bludgeon to clear a few more away!

It was at this moment that she really missed the luxury of being able to kill her enemies. One good sweep with her scimitar could definitely deal with these guys, but if she did that, she’d never hear the end of it from half the party. “Stephen!! You’d better have something else ready, or I’m gonna kick your ass all the way to the afterlife!!” Arandia yelled over the chaos.

Stephen, meanwhile, was standing at a safe distance, frozen up until Arandia’s words snapped him out of it. “R-right! One moment!!” He was not used to using his magic for offensive purposes, but his back was against the proverbial and literal wall- and if he didn’t act now, he’d be next. “Come on…” I haven’t had to use this offensively before, I hope this works!

He tried to summon a technique he hadn’t used for years, but it fizzled out before it could take hold. Argh! Work! If I fail here, the other party members will call me useless for weeks! For once, get it together, Stephen!

Arandia, meanwhile, was getting buried in biting, snarling kobold, spouting enough cusses that she could get charged for public obscenity. Stephen raised his cane to unleash his magic, praying that it would work.

“Come on… Attract Ball!”

“Attract ball?! What kind of a fucking name is that?! ” Arandia growled in exasperation. “If this is one of your shitty romance things, I’m going to kill you! And then kill you again!”

“It is far more than a mere innuendo. Observe!” Stephen pointed. A large, radiant ball of energy appeared in the center of the kobold mass- and before long, the effects of it became readily apparent. One of the kobolds tripped and fell over. And another. The kobolds were being sucked toward it! Before long, they were all being drawn towards it in a pile of twitching limbs and gnashing little jaws.

Stephen brushed the dust off his gloves. “There we go. That should keep them busy for a bit-”

Arandia stomped over to him, covered in bleeding cuts and bite marks. “Why the FUCK didn’t you use that earlier?!”

Stephen winced. “Well, I haven’t had to for years, so I was a little bit out of practice…”

Arandia readied herself to break his pretty little nose, but swallowed her rage. She could give him an earful later. “Whatever. That shit’s impressive. Lead with that next time!” She spat. “What the hell are the others doing, anyway?”

Kobra whirled around, his eyes wild with fury and pain. “YOU!” He pulled out more shuriken, tossing them at Spacey- but they clanked off, doing much less than one would expect.

“I’m covered in armor, idiot!” Spacey snarked. “All those’ll do is scratch me!” She tried to hit him again with her energized blade- another miss. Darn it! Usagi! You’d better give me an opening for me to get this guy, otherwise…

“RRGH!” Kobra continued his furious assault on the armored construct, neglecting once again to notice the rabbit waiting for him to get close!

“You really need to be able to focus on more than one target at once, you know.” Usagi chided him, grinning. “No wonder you got caught so easily.” Before Kobra could react, Usagi slid in front of him, kicking him in the groin! Kobra crumpled to the floor with a pitiful whine.

“Thanks, Usagi! Eat chargeblade explosions, you scaly little doormat!” Spacey smacked Kobra on the side of his head with her sword- creating a small blast of energy in its wake, sending him sliding across the cavern floor before he hopped back to his feet. How is he still standing?! Usually one of those knocks out small guys like him easily…

“HOW DARE YOU! I AM KOBRA, ELITE ASSASSIN OF MITHRA THE BEAUTIFUL! I shall not take such insults lying down, especially not after such humiliation earlier!!” He raised his hands and clapped them together! “Face the wrath of my Cloned Killusion technique!”

Any tension in the air was completely and utterly deflated by what he had just said. Spacey couldn’t stop herself from laughing. “K-killusion, what? Are you for real with that? That’s- that’s the stupidest name I’ve ever heard!!”

Usagi seemed to share the opinion, being caught off guard by Kobra’s brazenness. He facepalmed hard, sighing.“...you cannot be serious. You’re giving us stealthy folk a bad name with your-”

Kobra, incensed by the mirth of his opponents, growled. “That’s what you think, fools!!” As he stood, four more of him stepped out of his shadow, instantly jumping into a fighting stance! “I’ll tear you apart and send you to Mithra as trophies! She’ll be really fond of you, construct!”

“Sorry, only my true love gets to objectify me!” Spacey readied herself for Kobra’s assault, as the clones closed in- rushing at her with knives, only one of them actually making an impact- unfortunately, Kobra’s knife was much better than his shurikens, leaving a green goo that sizzled and hissed! Acid?! That’s not good! We’d better kill this guy quick!

“DIEEEEE!!” Kobra raged, using his clones expertly to hide his real approach, so that Spacey couldn’t even begin to defend against it!

“How the heck am I supposed to tell which one’s the real one?!” Spacey slashed at another of the illusory clones, making it disappear in a puff of smoke, before it was replaced by another one instantly. “Stupid little brat!”

“STUPID?! This plan would have been PERFECT if you meddling adventurers hadn't shown up!” Kobra ranted. “I thought of EVERYTHING, but you fools had to drop by at the worst time!! The only way I can keep my honor is by KILLING YOU ALL!!”

“Usagi, do you have a plan?!” Spacey barely blocked one of Kobra’s strikes with her shield, but that acid was worrying. Being an artificial being without flesh didn’t mean you were invincible, after all…

“Not to worry, I have a perfect way to tell.” Usagi pulled a small ball out of his robe, and tossed it right in the middle of the group of clones!

Is- is that another smoke bomb? Usagi, that’s not helpful! Kobra coughed, then started dry heaving. “A stink bomb?! You- UGH!” He gagged. “My- augh, it reeks!! What is even IN this thing?!”

The realization hit Spacey, sending her into a giggling fit. Ohhhh… no wonder I thought it was a smoke bomb. I can’t smell anything- well, that’s convenient, isn’t it!

“Now that, unfortunately, is a patented thief secret.” Usagi retorted, rushing at him to slam the hilt of his knife into his stomach, knocking the wind out of the kobold- leaving him gasping on the floor! Before he could get up, Spacey moved to plant her foot directly on his chest!

“There we go. Good luck getting out from under HERE, I’m very heavy!” Spacey taunted.

Oh, boy, this ain’t good. Celeste was coming at Octavia, trying to brain her with her staff! Octavia grabbed her with another tentacle, slamming her to the ground. “You just stay there for a minute, will ya? Good thing elves are skinny…”

Celeste was easy to hold back, given that she was a beanpole, but Rex was a fair bit harder. He took THREE tentacles! A lot, considering usually she only needed one- expertly placing it around somebody’s neck usually did the job.

Trying not to dry heave from the discomfort of having to taste Rex’s armor, she turned her attention to the Elder Brain, which was staring directly at her. “Ohhh, you think you’re SO threatening because you can control people’s minds, huh?”

She pulled out her morning star, hefting the large spiked ball at the end. The toothy grin carved into the metal matched her own. “You’re gonna regret underestimating Octavia Z’rathi!”

How dare you attempt to call yourself eldritch?! You’re stuck in a jar! You can’t even do ANYTHING without somebody else helping you! You make me SICK!

Octavia began to giggle, which snowballed into cackling, insane laughter! “You’re an affront to all of chaoskind, a pale imitation of our eldritch greatness!” Octavia’s voice echoed as she raised her mace, the carved grin on it gleaming brightly. “I’m gonna splat all that soft goo all over the walls!!”

The brain began to emit more unholy screeching, but it did nothing to Octavia at all. She only grinned wider! “HA! One of the perks of being a daughter of Zarnath- you can’t break a mind that’s already broken, hahahahaha!!”

The brain’s eyes widened, looking around desperately for help- but none came. The kobolds were busy at the entrance, and Kobra had been totally knocked out of commission! Another pitiful wail erupted from the tank.

Is it scared? Too bad! Real eldritchness isn’t made in a lab, it’s born through unnatural means! I must purge this heretical being for the glory of Daddy!

“May your brain be smooth and your eyes ever blinded!” WIth a heavy swing, she cracked the glass, sending the brain fluid spilling out in little streams! The brain inside’s tentacles waved frantically, as if begging for mercy- unfortunately for it, none would come from a certified cultist of Zarnath.

One more swing smashed the glass of the capsule wide open, sending the remainder of the goo inside splashing everywhere- and with a pitiful shriek, the elder brain flopped around like a dead fish, struggling to breathe, before it sank into the depths of unmoving, cold death.

Octavia spitefully spit on the horrible aberration, adding an extra insult to its mortal injury. “And STAY dead!” She turned around to look at Rex and Celeste, who were still currently wrapped in her tentacles. “Yo, get up, will ya?”

Rex got to his feet, brushing off the slime that Octavia had left behind, looking rather disturbed. “That… was most impressive. If rather horrifying.”

Octavia grinned, her eyes still wide open. “Aw, thank you for the compliment! Tell me if I show up in your nightmares!”

Celeste regarded the twitching mass of meat with disgust. “Truly, a disgusting creature… the Seven are monstrous indeed to make such a thing.”

“Yeah, my dad is WAY prettier than that.” Octavia huffed. “He’d look at this thing and puke all over the place! Anyway, how’re the others doing…”

Kobra whirled his head around upon hearing the unholy screech, looking rather terrified. “What?! No!! It can’t be! KOBOLDS! GET THEM!!” He ordered, desperate for any way he could turn the tide- but unfortunately, he was drowning in a sea of failure.

All that he was met with in response was a few murmurs. “What happened?” “My head hurts…”

“Why- why aren’t they obeying me?!” Kobra fretted.

Octavia was marching up, grinning in her usual way. “Ha! Without your pathetic brain, they’re not your minions anymore!” She giggled. “That thing was really weak, y’know.” Celeste and Rex were following behind her, wiping tentacle slime off their clothing.

“Uh… ah… KOBRA'S IN A PICKLE!!” Kobra hurriedly grabbed his knife and slashed at Spacey’s ankle, leaving a gash of green goop and making her stumble over!

“Ow!!” Spacey fell over with a loud clang, releasing Kobra from her grip! Before anyone could react, he’d already tossed out another smoke bomb to obscure their vision, and was already running off in a flash!

“Well, uh… you're a pickle!" Spacey turned to Octavia, sporting a ‘what the heck did you just say’ kind of look. “What? He’s green, and he’s ugly.” Kobra, for all his weaknesses, was very skilled at running away.

“AFTER HIM!!” Rex bellowed from across the room, frantically trying to catch up, though his heavy armor and stocky build made that a difficult task. “We can’t let him get away, lest he alert his masters!” Usagi was already on it, rushing after him- but unfortunately, the kobold was ridiculously fast, especially when powered by fear of getting caught!

“He’s too far away for me to grab him with my magic!” Celeste shouted. “Anyone who’s near the entrance, grab that miscreant!”

As Kobra fled towards the cave entrance, Arandia stepped out, ready to grab him. “YOU. I’m gonna tear that tail off, and-”

“OUT OF MY WAY!!” Kobra slid directly between her legs- not a particularly difficult task, given how high up off the ground they were and his diminutive stature.

“What the fuck?!” She growled, turning around to see the kobold scurrying off behind her. “Get back here, you piece of- AAGH!”

Kobra had thrown a large bola that wrapped around four of her legs, making her trip and fall on her face, cursing! “FUCK! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT HEAP! Stephen!! Get that bastard!!”

“I’m trying!!” Stephen was focusing intently on his magic, but the little kobold was far too fast for the concentration it would take to lay one of his magic traps.

A large bronze dragon had touched down outside the cave, but Kobra was undeterred. “HA! You can’t fool me with your illusions again!!”

Arandia stopped and looked at Stephen, puzzled. “Uh… when did you put that back up? That’s probably not going to work again…”

Before Stephen could answer, Kobra ran directly into the bronze dragon, which was quite solid, falling back down on his rear.

“...I didn’t, I thought the same as you.” Stephen shook his head. “So that means-”

“THAT’S THE GOVERNOR!” Celeste and Spacey exclaimed, filled with joy.

“There you are, you little rat.” Before Kobra could react, Seozay snatched him up in her enormous claws, baring her sharp teeth at the snivelling green man. “You’ve been quite an annoying little pest. And I am not going to fall for one of those smoke bombs again!”

As Rex caught up to the rest of the party, he spied a familiar face on top of the bronze dragon’s back- who else but his uncle, smoking a pipe casually as if he wasn’t sitting on top of one of the deadliest beings in the world. Khalib, perched on Seozay’s back, chuckled. “Sorry I was late, grandson! Since she didn’t have her coffee, getting the governor up was rather difficult.”

Rex didn’t know whether to be excited at the sudden aid, or enraged that they took so long. “Your aid is still appreciated… otherwise that one would have gotten away. Again.”

Seozay turned to regard Rex with a small bit of interest. “So, you’re this one’s nephew. He’s told me all about you, you know. Egotistical, yet extremely dedicated and competent.” Seozay mused. “And you’re supposedly challenging the Empire, of all tasks.”

Rex winced at the remarks. I am not egotistical! I have a healthy respect for my own abilities!

He shook his head, swallowing his building rage. Rex, you are before an important political official… one that your compatriots nearly torpedoed your good standing with yesterday. Put your regal face on.

“Indeed. Their tyranny has gone unchecked for too long. I wish to wrest the kingdom of Dragonia from their wretched grip, and restore its glory. Any aid you can give us would be most helpful.” Rex hoped that those words were enough to not annoy her. No matter what, dealing with a being that could snap you in half was a gamble- he knew that from having to listen to his great-grandmother Inferna complain about the size of the kingdom’s banquets. Thankfully, Seozay seemed to be a much more reasonable sort.

“Oh, don’t worry, your uncle has already convinced me of the task’s worth. Your reward is waiting for you back at the city.” Kobra was trying to wriggle out of her grip, but one more squeeze, followed by a yelp of pain, put a stop to that. Rex was sure he heard a rib crack- not that the bastard didn’t deserve it. I shall put this one in custody. I trust that you all can get back on your own?” Seozay questioned.

“Of course.” Rex said. “The sooner such a bastard is apprehended, the better.”

“Indeed.” Seozay turned on her heels to fly off, in the direction of her home. As soon as she was gone, Rex whirled around to his uncle, eye twitching in annoyance.

“How- how did you know we would be here?!”

Khalib shrugged. “It’s much easier to see pertinent landmarks from above the forest. If you ever get the ability to fly, it’ll probably be very helpful!” He started walking towards the large expanse of black trees. “Anyway, perhaps we should make our way back, now? There’s a reward waiting for you all.”

Spacey mused. “Man, we’d better get a good reward from this.”

“Hopefully we’re not imposing by asking for too much money…” Celeste said. “After all, the quest is for the good of the world!”

It took all of Rex’s self-control not to yell at Celeste’s blatant naivete. Maybe for you! For me, it is a personal, oathbound family affair!! 

Rex turned to her, a blank look on his face. “The entire reason we went to all this trouble is to get paid, so we can afford transportation to the desert. If you dare suggest we do not take the reward we have so justly earned… you are simply wrong.”

“That’s right.” Usagi interjected. “There is no shame in monetary reward for a risk of life and limb. Isn’t that right, Arandia?” Arandia, who was looking extremely cross after the humiliation she’d received earlier, just gave a nonverbal grunt of approval.

The way back through the forest was significantly easier than the trek inwards- with the Elder Brain destroyed, the illusion surrounding it seemed to have disappeared. While everyone else was busy bantering about money, Rex was busy consulting his uncle. “And you’re sure things will be fine in Koboldia?”

Khalib took another sip of his tea, positively beaming. “Yes. The elder brain’s gone, and the missing kobolds have been recovered safely. All in all, I’d call your party’s work a smashing success!” 

Rex took a certain amount of pride in that- after all, he was the one who’d organized the group planning. “And that miscreant Kobra?”

“Oh, I’m sure we’ll get something out of him.” Khalib chuckled. “He really has a habit of running his mouth too much… Really, it’s a wonder any of the Seven kept him around in the first place.”

Rex gritted his teeth at that word. They were the ones who had set his home ablaze, killed his father, and taken the kingdom he was in line to rule from him. Even thinking about that mysterious cabal made his blood boil like the hottest volcano. “...speaking of them… I suppose they know all about us now.”

Khalib nodded, his tone becoming more serious. “Indeed. Now that you’ve directly foiled one of their plans, they’ll be aware of you and your companions. Thankfully, I took the Sending Stone off him, so he can’t report back everything. Even so, I would advise making haste to your destination before any of their other minions come snooping around.”

“I shall do just that- provided you followed through on your end of the deal, Uncle.” Rex hoped, prayed that the wily kobold didn’t have some other trick or riddle up his sleeve.

He remembered his sixteenth birthday, when the old man had given him an elaborate treasure hunt with tons of clues to find his ACTUAL gift. He’d only found it three days later, in the same room he’d started in.

Granted, the gift was rather nice, the majestic purple cape he currently prized heavily, but it was hard to enjoy it when he wanted to throw the old man out the window for the wild goose chase. And judging by the mirthful chuckle Khalib gave him in response to his query, he was right to be a little worried.

After they had arrived back at Koboldia, the party was off running last minute preparations for their imminent departure- since they had interrupted a major plot of the Seven, nobody thought it wise to stick around for very long. Usagi was the only one to groan about having to leave so soon, but he was outvoted quickly.

Perhaps it has something to do with that informant. No matter, the fate of the quest is more important.  

Seozay’s reward had turned out to be a significant portion of gold- most of which was being spent on long-term provisions for the upcoming journey- food, water, etc. It was convenient that Spacey required neither of these things, so they could afford to have some left over.

She did complain when Rex confiscated the portion that would be used to buy her food for later, but SOMEBODY had to make sure that the money wasn’t spent on pointless things, like deplorable literature.

Rex turned to his uncle, who was too busy ordering a ton of tea to pay attention to more pressing matters. “So, uncle. Where is our transport?”

Khalib sipped his tea, very loudly. Rex had no idea if he was trying to cool it, or he was trying to get a rise out of him. With his uncle, either was possible.“As promised, proper transport to the desert… I am a kobold of my word, as you well know. Your ride is just outside.”

Except a good portion of your words are wrapped in riddles and obtusity. Rex swallowed the rude retort. “Ahem. Many thanks.”

In the back of his mind, Rex wondered what sort of locomotion his uncle had arranged. A fine carriage, perhaps, pulled by white chargers? No, they would definitely perish in the desert. Some magitek-powered vehicle? No, attaining such a thing when the Empire has a stranglehold over such techniques would be impossible, even for him. Probably.

Perhaps he had called his great-grandmother over to give them a ride. That would be the most convenient option. Albeit the speed would be offset by her talking everyone’s ear off first… Oh, gods, if Stephen tries to ask her about mating procedures or Spacey tries to get a mate through her, I will throw myself in a lake. With armor on! The notion made him shiver. Shaking off the thought, he threw open the door to see what reward he had gained!

What his uncle ACTUALLY provided fell short of his expectations. Uncle, I know you have enough money for better accommodations… Rex cursed. Why would I expect anything less from the most frugal man I know?

Outside sat a ramshackle cart, with six wheels and a large cloth cover, that didn’t even cover the sides, held up by measly wood posts. Fitting all seven of his party in there was going to be a trial, that was for certain. Especially given the size of Arandia’s lower half. 

Hitched up to the cart was an odd individual. Rex hadn’t seen this manner of person before. It was in the vein of a centaur, but its bottom half was that of a camel instead- with tall, spindly legs, coarse fur, and two well-defined humps. He loomed over Rex without even trying- even Arandia would be dwarfed by a few inches.

His top half was that of a tanned, toned human man with a bored-looking face and small, fluffy ears in place of normal human ones. His hair was long and wavy, as if a typical barbarian cut, but too well-groomed for that. This… is not what I was expecting.

Khalib followed Rex outside, grinning warmly. “This is Sulvan, a bactaur. He’s been guiding travellers to and from the desert for years. And, he’s strong enough to pull all of you.”

Rex looked at Khalib, confused and vaguely annoyed. “Uncle, how do you seem to know the most convenient people?”

The gray kobold shrugged. “Oh, Governor Seozay recommended him. Apparently he brings her new books occasionally.”

Rex sighed. Well, as long as he does his job, it shouldn’t be a problem. Hopefully. “Greetings, sir. Hopefully our journey will be a safe one.”

“Hm.” Sulvan grunted. “You should take off that armor once you reach the desert. Otherwise you’ll roast.” Rex heard giggling from behind him- he didn’t know who, and he didn't care.

“I’ll- I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.” Rex muttered, sheepishly. Not one for pleasantries, I see… “Anyway, I’ll get my companions to load their things in, then we can leave. How much is the fare-”

“No need. This one,” Sulvan pointed at Khalib, “has already paid for the full trip.” Rex stared at him, to which Khalib responded with a simple bow. Of course he has. At least he’s contributing something.

“Well, that’s convenient.” Rex muttered.

Much later, most of the cart had been loaded- except for one thing, that was proving to be quite a challenge. Namely, getting Arandia inside.

“Fucking- stupid things aren’t built for people like me!!” Arandia growled. Even with the wideness of the vehicle, her enormous abdomen was proving to be a painful obstacle. “Come ON!”

Rex sighed. “I’ll help… give me a minute.” He got out of the cart, moving to the rear side of it.

As he lifted her abdomen over the side of the vehicle’s bed, his hands were buried in the soft, bristly hair on its underside. It was softer than he was expecting. … I suppose she has a soft side, literally in this case. Oh gods, that sounds like something Stephen would say!

“Hey, what’s the holdup?!” Arandia grunted. “It’s a bit of an uncomfortable position, having it hanging out like that!”

“S-sorry!” Rex tore himself away from his thoughts before they could take him to improper places, and lifted her rear inside the cart. Clambering inside, he saw Usagi grinning at him. “And what is so amusing, rabbit?”

“Oh, nothing.” He slid over next to Rex, whispering in his ear. “Though there are probably better ways to get that kind of view, you know.”

It was a good thing Rex couldn’t visibly blush, because he would be even redder than he already was, wisely clamming up to keep himself from digging into a deeper hole. Arandia, as usual, didn’t seem to notice or care about how flustered he was, nor did she hear Usagi’s lewd comment.

“If I’m asleep and anyone sees a dragon around, let me know. There’s a draconic bachelor in the area, and I’m gonna find him!” Spacey stretched out, her joints creaking slightly.

“This again?” Celeste shook her head disapprovingly. “Your priorities are rather odd.” Spacey just shrugged in response, not even caring to justify her blatant marriage-seeking.

Stephen was busy scrawling in his notebook about god-knows-what. Octavia was already fast asleep. Thankfully, there didn’t seem to be any lingering issues.

Rex said to the bactaur attached to the cart. “All right, then. Let the journey commence!” As Rex settled into the bumpy cart ride, he couldn’t help but ruminate. So, it has begun. The quest to fulfill my oath finally begins in earnest. No more false starts…

His heart filled with pride at what he’d managed to accomplish so far. For once, he felt good about his position in life. Watch over me, father. I’ll avenge you at last!

Author's Note:
Holy shit, FINALLY got this one out. this is the longest chapter yet, over 8000 words!! Hopefully the next ones won't take quite so long, guh.
Feel free to comment, it gives me life.

Chapter Text

The Gaian Calendar, as of year 900, has been revised for convenience. Before, the days of the week were merely designated by letters A through G.

1st- Workday

2nd- Crimsday

3rd- Wichesday

4th- Flairesday

5th- Horday

6th- Vioday

7th- Holyday

There is no deeper meaning to these name choices that would be relevant to you, the average citizenry.

-Notice from the Prophet Gaius

MEANWHILE, AT THE HALL OF THE SEVEN…

As Invernus stalked into the Tower of Gaia, he was cursing to himself. Today had not been a good day so far. He had to give another weekly speech to the populace- but he had forgotten the words halfway through, and had to improvise a new ending on the spot to the parable of that day.

Thankfully, he was able to play it off as divine inspiration, but if he could sweat, he would have been sweating cannonballs!

I hate those speeches. Those blithering imbeciles lap up every word I say, like pathetic puppies drooling over their mothers’ milk. Pathetic! Wishing desperately he didn’t have to deal with all of this nonsense, Invernus continued on his way.

The tower was a tall, terrifying construction. The inside was built with brilliant, shining obsidian, held together through enough wards to repel any assault. With some help from some of his compatriots, of course. A long, spiral staircase led up to the tower’s peak, where all their secret villainous meetings were held. Normally he would simply fly up- but if any of the peons who worshipped him happened upon this place, it would look very poor indeed.

Curse you, Gaius! So humble, it makes me want to gouge my eyes out, if I had any! For all your magic, none of it went towards bettering yourself. Maybe if you had, you wouldn’t have been such a pathetic, pitiful pinhead!

Of course, that’s not what it looked like on the outside- on the OUTSIDE, it looked like a beautiful, white marble tower. He had justified it by saying it would be an icon for the people to look up to anywhere, that could be seen from anywhere in the Empire. Such exciting rhetoric never failed to whip up the populace into throwing their hard-earned money at him. And it created jobs, too, so it was a boost for public relations.

After looking around the entrance to the meeting room- he couldn’t be too careful, after all- he stepped inside. The one time someone had caught him, he had to blast the intruder down the stairs- and given that the Tower was one of the tallest buildings in the world, that was a long way to fall.

Waving his hand, his human disguise disappeared, revealing his true form- a skeleton in a black and white robe, eyes glowing yellow with malice, bones polished and shined to almost a pure white. Unfortunately he could never get the stains of laying in a dingy wooden coffin for hundreds of years, but this was the closest he could get.

Ah, the Hall of the Seven. One of my greatest achievements. In the center of the room was a round table, with six thrones surrounding it- one member was far too large to fit in one, so she just stuck her head in the room- a fact that Invernus loathed immensely, but in order to keep six other disparate evildoers under control, sometimes concessions had to be made.

Also surrounding the room were six other doors- color-coded and decorated to the others’ specifications- but they didn’t go anywhere. If anyone other than their respective members opened them, they would be met with a cold, stone wall. If the proper person grasped the handles, however, the doors led to their respective strongholds, dotted all over the globe. This way, they could plot to their hearts’ content, without attracting undue attention. Their objective- the most important thing of all- was WORLD DOMINATION! And sometimes achieving that meant playing the long game, and not giving away all their cards too early.

Invernus looked at the clock on the wall. It was five minutes before seven o’clock, when their meetings always were. It had ALWAYS been at that time ever since the group’s founding, but somehow half of them managed to be consistently late. Thankfully, thanks to some nigh-indestructible alarm clocks, that horrible problem had come mostly to a close.

One of the doors in the room rattled. Invernus turned to look, and it was the one closest to him, covered in moss and made out of wet, rotting wood. Ah, Gothal- you’re one of the oldest here, and yet you’re somehow always early. The rest of these cads could learn something from you.

“Oh, goody, I’m early!” The hacking, phlegmy voice of Gothal, the haggiest of all night hags, floated into the room, and the mossy wooden door opened to reveal her. She was clad in her usual tattered, black robe and floppy, pointy hat, lugging her broom behind her. Her nose was pointy enough to resemble a knife, and her eyes, sunken and bagged, looked like empty, soulless pits. Her skin was a disgusting shade of green, with warts and pimples all over her face.

No matter how wrinkly and haggard she looked with her hunched back, she always had a spring in her old step. She didn’t even need a cane- the youth-draining treatments must have been working well. A profound miasma followed her into the room. It is a good thing that I do not have a nasal cavity to smell it with, or I would vomit- not that I have a stomach to throw anything up from, either. “Gothal. You’re looking horrifically ugly as usual.”

Gothal grinned evilly, her sharp, decaying teeth being so nasty that Invernus could have sworn he could see bone in her gums. He knew for a fact she had never brushed her teeth in over a century. “Oh, thank you, dearie! I’ve been working on a special skin care routine- frog poison does WONDERS for my complexion!” She let out a hearty, evil cackle, which turned into a coughing fit, spraying saliva all over the table. Inverness sighed, and zapped the table with a magic blast- soon it was all clean, again.

Don’t need the others complaining about that, thank you. We have more important things to get to than hear them rage about how she’ll give them diseases. That only happened twice, anyway!

“So, anything interesting this fine morning? Any prisoners you need disposing of?” Gothal hacked. She stuck her wizened old finger up her nose, dug around for a moment, only to pull out a bug. Shrugging, she popped it in her mouth.

“I would prefer to wait until all our numbers have arrived before expounding upon our plans, lest I have to repeat myself like a simpering school teacher,” Invernus responded. I despise repeating myself, especially after giving so many speeches to the simpletons out there with the words and names changed around for over a century! Another door opened- this one rubbery and fleshy, like the skin was ripped off some large organism.

“Speak of the devil- or should I say, mind flayer.”

Next to arrive was Ctharze, the last of the mind flayers. He was tall and slender, clad in a long purple robe whose texture resembled the throat of some eldritch beast. His head resembled an angry octopus that was parked on the top of his body as if it had swallowed a normal person’s head. Squishy and saggy, his four suckered tentacles waved idly about, desperate for something to occupy his staggering intellect. His rubbery, purple skin possessed no hair or pores, but was very slick. At least, that’s what Gothal had said when she grabbed his tentacle on a whim, making him miss several meetings after that to wash off her scent.

He had no visible mouth, but his large, glassy eyeballs did all the expressing for him- most of which was sheer displeasure at the chaotic antics of his comrades. Which, given some of their company, was more often than not. He also wore small spectacles, which gave him a more distinguished air.

Invernus looked at the clock. Seven sharp. “Delightful. At least some of us are on time.”

“I am always on time. It would be an insult to my species if I was not perfectly orderly at all times.” Ctharze sniped, drumming his fingers on the table in a rhythmic fashion. He always had a petty barb to throw at someone or other. At least he respects my time, and everyone else’s.

“I am well aware, and it’s one of your best features. Unfortunately, the rest are much less prompt.” Invernus said, attempting to make small talk while waiting for the others. Sometimes it is like trying to corral sheep into a pen, even when the pen has the tastiest grass in the land inside!

Ctharze, being a mind flayer, could read most people’s thoughts without much effort- except that of Invernus. All those wards of psionic protection had paid off when attempting to recruit the devious cerremorph. “I could always install an organism in their skulls that would always wake them up at the appropriate hour.” Ctharze pulled a vial out of his robe with a bizarre-looking tadpole inside, which Gothal immediately turned to look at.

She gushed, reaching for it like a baby trying to get its grubby hands on a piece of candy. “Oh, it’s adorable!! Can I-”

“No, you cannot keep it as a pet. It cannot live outside of brain fluid.” Ctharze cut her off, being well familiar with her practice of collecting any odd organism she found and trying to tame them. Gothal slunk back to her chair, frowning and picking her teeth. “It would feed the stimulus directly to their brains, and it would go on until they are fully awake.” He paused. “Unfortunately, currently they do not work as intended, and do not turn off. A waste of promising test subjects, really. But a few more trials should iron that problem out.”

How much of an issue is this that he spent valuable time and effort coming up with that, let alone focusing on that rather than our more important objectives?! Invernus swallowed his mounting rage. “I don’t believe such drastic measures will be necessary, Ctharze. But do keep those around, they could prove useful for purposes of amusement.”

Ctharze nodded, putting the vial back in his pocket.

Another door opened, this one made of metal and covered in gauges and dials. Fourth was Phylac, the traitor to the gnomes, and the leading authority in magitech. He rolled into the room on his enormous mechanical armchair with wheels- which was far larger than one would expect, given that he was a gnome. It was so wide, in fact, that he’d had to get the magic doorway leading to his laboratory widened so the blasted thing could fit through! 

Invernus was certainly impressed by his ingenuity, at least. It had everything- a tankard of beer to drink from complete with straw, an automatic beard trimmer, and even a bedpan- because if nothing else, Phylac put a staggering amount of work into being the laziest gnome ever born.

His goggles never left his face, obscuring his eyes to all onlookers. His long, haggard white beard and mustache were impressive, but not enough to detract from the complete absence of hair on his scalp- a fact that the rest had long since learned to not bring up, lest they get a hole blasted in them by his arsenal of weapons. His lab coat was a far cry from the white it presumably once was, having weathered many explosions and oil stains.

“You’re late.” Ctharze muttered. “Precisely one and a half minutes late.” Invernus had no idea how he could be that precise without looking at a watch- perhaps it was a talent of his species.

“GENIUS NEVER SLEEPS!!” Phylac ranted. “If only you brainless fools understood the sheer amount of ideas that were contained within my gloriously efficient brain, your gray matter would be leaking out of your pathetic little noses!”

“I do not possess a nasal cavity, so thankfully I will be free of that problem.” Ctharze shot back, busy twiddling his head tentacles out of sheer boredom. “Perhaps you could cut your head open so I could examine it, and we could get some peace and quiet for ten minutes.” Ctharze snarked. “That would be a net benefit for all of us.”

“The only cutting open of my beautiful head will be done to place my brain inside of a magitech body, once the process is complete!” Phylac spat. “And YOU will certainly have nothing to do with it, lest you install some sort of biological mess in there!”

Invernus’ patience was being tested, and he gripped his staff tightly. “Enough! I know you two are like oil and water in a boiling pot, but may we PLEASE get through a single meeting without one of you big-brains without getting into a brain-measuring contest?” Thankfully, the two ceased their bickering, albeit not without glaring daggers at each other, just in time for the next member to appear. At least they can both agree on something with this one. Namely, the fact that he’s a complete and utter beef brain!

The fourth door, made of extremely heavy stone, ground open as its owner pushed it. Even opening a door had to be a workout for the one behind it. Invernus cringed every time he thought about the scratches it would make on the floor- there was a semicircular groove on the stone floor around it that would never go away. I go to all this effort to make a beautiful meeting chamber and he just goes and squanders it like a bull in a pottery shop! Invernus sighed. He had bigger things to deal with than reprimanding this musclebound oaf. “Hordan. So good of you to join us. You’re only… five minutes late, this time.”

“HAW HAW HAW! Sorry I’m late, I was busy exercising. You shoulda seen it, it’s bigger than most of ya combined!” The minotaur Hordan sauntered through his door, his hands covered in blood- a common sight, as he would challenge anyone that looked strong enough. Whoever he had just gotten done beating the tar out of, as long as it didn’t cause an international incident, Invernus did not care in the least.

Part of the terms of him being in the group was constantly being fed strong people to test his mettle against, after all. Thankfully, attempting to take over the world usually meant one would never run out of tough opponents.

His body was tall, muscular, and toned- the culmination of decades of bodybuilding, which had resulted in a veritable tower of brute strength, marked by dozens of battle scars. The enormous hooves attached to his feet could crush a lesser man’s skull with a thought. His horns, the size of shortswords, were long and pointed- he sharpened them every week, and after every kill. Hordan wore as little as possible- a mere loincloth most of the time, and occasionally a fur cape if he was in a colder region. Otherwise, he let his sheer musculature and grit carry him to victory. Invernus thanked the gods- a rare thing for him- that his loincloth was so long, lest he catch an eyeful of something he had no interest in seeing. At times, he sweated so much that steam could be glimpsed coming off his body.

“I’m telling ya, I am on FIRE lately! Haven’t lost a fight in YEARS!!” He bragged.

“Maybe you should set yourself on fire, that way we wouldn’t have to listen to your endless boasting.” Ctharze muttered.

“It is ASTONISHING how much hot air you possess! What could you have possibly been doing to be so LATE?! Perhaps dehydrating yourself to show off your musculature?” Phylac spat, nearly losing his dentures in the process before stuffing them back in. Invernus was struggling not to chuckle at the blatant hypocrisy on display, but thankfully, being a skeleton meant you had a killer poker face.

“HA! You’re wrong, shorty. I was busy testing my stamina!” He did not elaborate, but Invernus knew how he worked by now. With Hordan, it was always the same batch of excuses. Getting into a fight, sleeping with his girlfriend, or fighting with his girlfriend. Occasionally it was getting drunk after doing any of the above. He may have been a bullheaded dolt, but at least he was predictable, which was a valuable asset.
But it didn’t make his obsession with his lifestyle any less grating. If I have to hear one more anecdote about “climbing a hill giant”, I will mount your head on my wall!!

Gothal swooned over his shirtless chest, making Invernus scream internally in disgust. “You know, big guy, I wouldn’t mind taking you…” Considering that she did not follow that up with ‘in a fight’, the meaning was quite clear.

“Ugh, NO! In your dreams, wrinkly!”.Hordan pulled a rock out from under his arm, and began doing bicep curls with it, grunting in exertion loudly. Gothal merely shrugged. She was used to rejection, and being called ugly was a compliment.

“Do you have to do that every single time?” Ctharze groaned. “I’m sure that meat sack you call a body would benefit from some rest.”

“HAW! HAW! That shows how much you know, beanpole!” Hordan grunted. “The reason why I’m the best is that I never slack off, never skip leg day, and never pass up an opportunity for more gains!” As if to prove a point, he flexed his pecs, one after the other. Nobody batted an eye, seeing as they had all seen him do that several times past the point of novelty.

Next, Minerva strode through her door which was a bright red and decorated with a mark resembling a bat, yawning softly. She was a vampire, and being a nocturnal creature, did not like getting up early.

Her dark-skinned, slender body was as flawless as ever, and she carried herself with more grace than the rest of the room put together. She wore a blood red cape which reached the floor, which she parted to reveal the outfit underneath- a simple dress of crimson red fabric, across which holes on the thighs, chest, and midriff strategically revealed flashes of her toned frame. To the uninitiated, she may have looked like some sort of model, but that was merely another weapon, intended to distract opponents and trip them into a swift death.

Or perhaps she just wanted to show off. Regardless, she never wore anything resembling normal attire.

“Well, you look like you got overturned in your coffin.” Hordan laughed. “Have a hard time lifting the lid with those skinny arms?”

“You all know I’m not a morning person, if I go out in the sunlight I will turn to dust.” Minerva scoffed, settling into her chair and putting her feet right on the table. At least her shoes were clean. I remember when she would come in after one of her bloodbaths and leave stains EVERYWHERE. I was seeing more red than I would have thought possible in one day, in more ways than one!

“You are also very late.” Ctharze muttered. “This is the fourth time you have been late this month, which is impressive, considering that is the exact number of times we meet in a typical month.”

“Hmph. Some of us need our beauty sleep… I should be resting right now, in fact.” Minerva sighed, brushing her long, black hair out of her face. “It’s hard enough to drag myself out of my coffin in the middle of the day, I think you can shut your tentacles with the statistics for a change.” Minerva sighed. “Anyway, can we PLEASE get this over with? One of my elites just got back from a mission, and if I don't attend to her needs she's liable to bite someone's limb off."

Minerva was infamous for her collection of ‘girlfriends’, and her nature was well known amongst the Seven. “Well, she sounds delightful.” Hordan laughed. “You should introduce her to me, perhaps we could test our limits-”

Minerva’s eyes flashed, and she bared her fangs.“SHE IS OFF LIMITS TO YOU, YOU BLEEDING HUNK OF SIRLOIN!” She stood up, flaring into a brief rage, staring intensely at Hordan’s smug grin, before sitting back down. “And besides, I know how you treat those you lay with. It’s hard enough to acquire good minions as it is. Training them, instilling absolute loyalty…”

“I can’t help it if I’m so much stronger than everyone else!” Hordan shrugged, tossing the boulder to his other hand to start curling it again. “That’s THEIR problem for not being able to keep up.”

“Strength isn’t everything, you blithering cretin. I would drain all the life out of you if I didn’t risk breaking my fangs.” Minerva sneered. Yes, yes, you two hate each other, WE GET IT. Sometimes I wonder why I surround myself with such foolery…

The last door was not a door, but a large, circular frame resembling a castle window, with curtains covering it. The being on the other side blew them out of the way dramatically, and thrust her enormous head through the opening to present herself in all her glory.

Mithra was a purple dragon- one of the rarest species left, a fact that she loved to trumpet as part of her superiority. She neglected to mention the fact that at least a few died at her claws for being fairer than her, but that did not matter in the present.

Even from the neck up, her grandiosity and ostentatiousness was quite apparent. The spines on the back of her neck were adorned with all sorts of hanging jewelry, which jangled with every movement. Most dragons wore very little clothing or accessories, if any, so her being so heavily adorned perfectly showcased her incredible vanity. Her perfect rows of pointed teeth gleamed like the finest jewels, and her scales shined like the brightest of ceremonial armor.

Of course, Invernus knew that all that beauty only went scale-deep, but she was still useful. When she’s not being a massive pain in my pelvis, that is!

Mithra grinned, putting on the smuggest of airs. “Ahem!! Make way for Mithrallistra, Apple of the Amethyst’s Eye, Queen of Draconic Glory, She Who Deserves the Best-”

“We don’t need to hear your titles again, purple dragon. We have heard them several times, and it always takes up entirely too much of our time!” Ctharze interrupted. “They are meaningless drivel that wastes our time and attention.”

“HOW RUDE!!” Mithra spat. “You made me lose track of where I was! Now I’ll have to start ALL OVER!”

“Eh, it doesn’t matter to me, I’ll be finishing this set no matter what.” Hordan chuckled, continuing to work out and totally ignoring the peeved dragoness.

Mithra seethed, her nostrils flaring in annoyance. “At least I am FASHIONABLY late, unlike YOU, you hideous cow!”

“Oh, stop it, dearie, you’re going to make me blush!” Gothal giggled, before hacking again. Mithra had forgotten the age-old code of night hags- ugly is good, beautiful is bad.

Hordan looked up from the reps he was doing, huffing and puffing in anger! “HEY! I am not a cow, I am a BULL!! THERE IS A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE, YOU OVERGROWN LIZARD!!”

“LIZARD?!” Mithra seethed. “I am a DRAGON, you drooling buffoon!!” She opened her mouth, preparing to unleash her signature psychic breath attack!

“Oh, not this again.” Phylac rolled his eyes. “Ctharze, who do you think will survive that blast?”

“This is a pointless exercise.” Ctharze muttered, completely unperturbed. “But if I had to guess objectively, I would say Hordan would. He is so bullheaded that I’m sure if death came to claim him, he would find a way to beat it back.”

All the rest of the Seven were arguing over petty things, as per usual. He had been dealing with this for decades- his patience for such was as thin and fragile as a sheet of paper that had been out in the rain. And he most certainly did not want MIthra to blow up their meeting room!

“SILENCE!!! IF I DO NOT HAVE SILENCE, I SHALL CUT OUT YOUR TONGUES AND FEED THEM TO THE BIRDS!!” Invernus raged. His voice may have been nasally and high-pitched, but the rest of his cohorts knew better than to anger him. After all, he had “convinced” them all to join him by showing them how easily they could be crushed under his might first- the only way to recruit evil minions, really. “I am already in a rotten mood. I have had to spend an hour giving a ridiculous speech full of metaphors to those peons out there- the old Prophet gave speeches EVERY SINGLE WEEK, even if they were about nothing!”

Ctharze, ever the rational one, voiced what everyone else was probably thinking but was too scared to say. “Why do you persist with the task, then? Surely those fools can live without seeing their idol occasionally. Or will their brains wither without regular contact from their precious prophet?”

Invernus chuckled. The rest of you are lucky. At least you don’t have to manage a public persona that is the exact opposite of your real personality! “Because if I do not, they will start asking questions! And if I have to deal with one more thing that gets on my nonexistent nerves today, someone’s head will roll!”

A brief, precious moment of silence followed. Satisfied, Invernus sat down in his chair. “Good. This meeting should be short, so-”

“My poor Kobra has been kidnapped!!” Mithra roared, fretting fearfully. “He can’t handle himself under situations like this! We have to rescue him!”

“Again?” Phylac pounded on his armrest, sending spittle everywhere with his ranting. “The last time I had to rescue that simpleton, I lost five of my finest soldiers! He is a waste of resources and breath!”

"It was his fault the plan failed, as well." Ctharze muttered. "If he hadn't gotten himself caught, it would have gone off without issue, and I wouldn't have lost one of my Elder Brains- are you aware of how tedious it is to produce those?"

"Your lab experiments can be replaced! He can't!! Where else am I going to find such a blindly loyal minion?!" Mithra snapped.

I refuse to entertain this jabbery even a second longer! “SILENCE!!” Invernus slammed his staff against the floor. Every time he did that, his head rattled a little bit- but it was a small price to pay for keeping the meetings productive. “You try my patience again, Mithra- you should have known this would happen if he failed, like the bungler he is. This is not the first, second, or even fifth time!”

Mithra frowned, her eyes shining a bright, angry amethyst. “But he’s my most loyal sycophant! Who else will heap me with praise day in and out?!” Mithra huffed.

"Good riddance! That bumbling boob is an active detriment to every plan he's involved in!" Invernus snapped. “He can handle himself in a cell for a while, and if you want him back, go get him yourself- otherwise, it’s YOUR job to clean up your minions’ messes!!”

Gothal slapped her forehead, totally ignoring the argument unfolding. “Oh, goodness, I forgot to supply Pollywart’s swamp with fresh slime. She must be so dried out, I’ll have to fix that.”

Mithra let out a rumbling angry growl, as if that would have any effect on him. Too bad, lizard- you may have centuries on me, but I have far more power than you could ever hope to achieve in your pitiful lifespan!

Invernus stared her down, and soon she lowered her head in reluctant submission. “Fine. I’ll hunt down that abominable elf and construct he reported myself! Asteron, that god doesn’t even exist! She must be off her rocker…”

Asteron…? No, it can’t be- No. I refuse to believe it!

“We can always resurrect that kobold.” Ctharze grumbled. “Resurrection is a simple task, even if the time limit has passed. Though he may look a bit different… extra tentacles, violet scales…”

“Or replacing all his limbs with mechanical ones!!” Phylac cackled. “I wonder if he would like a rotating sawblade… no, that would be too loud for a supposedly stealthy one…”

“I DO NOT TRUST EITHER OF YOU TO RESURRECT MY LOYAL SIMPLETON!” Mithra raged. The sound of something crashing was heard through the hall- presumably Mithra had knocked something over with her tail on the other side of the door.

“SILENCE!!!” Invernus raged, bringing the room back under his command. He needed to be absolutely sure of what he’d just heard- because it meant what he thought, things were about to be much less boring. “Mithra, please repeat what you said. A cleric… of Asteron, the Creator?”

Mithra tilted her head, confused. “Yes. He was very specific about that… he figured it was important.”

That abominable god… even now, all these years later, he haunts me from beyond the grave!! “He is correct. I will retract my previous remarks about your little minion- perhaps he may have given us some important information after all.” Invernus stood up. “For now, send anyone you can manage to Koboldia and track them from a distance! THIS IS A TOP PRIORITY!!”

“But why?!” Phylac grumbled. “Surely some elf worshipping a dead god isn’t any concern of ours-”

“Don’t question me, you snivelling simpleton!” Invernus hissed. “If she is allowed to run free, she could ruin EVERYTHING. Tracking her movements is a top priority. And then-”

“And then assassinate them?” Minerva licked her lips. “Oh, I’d love to get something out of her…”

Invernus slapped the top of his skull, forgetting how easily Minerva could be distracted sometimes. “No, Minerva. For now, we wait.”

“NOTHING?!” The other six said, in a rare moment of synchronicity.

“FOR NOW.” Invernus snapped. “We’ve been trying to get ahold of the Orbs for years, and if this party contains a worshipper of the Creator, they’ll be looking for them too. Rushing into-”

Invernus spotted a fly in the corner of the room. Almost instantly, he raised his staff to fire a ray of black energy at it, disintegrating it in an instant! “NO. INSECTS. ALLOWED!!” Hate insects. HATE them. Worms, flies, all the vile vermin should be wiped clean away! Invernus had spent centuries buried in a coffin, feeling them crawl all over and inside him- and he hated every minute of it. If he could, he would exterminate all the little buggers from the face of the earth! The disturbance dealt with, and fresh fear being injected into his minions, he returned to his lecture.

“It’s so simple, a mere rock could understand it! If these fools manage to get ahold of one of the Orbs, then we can pry them from their cold, dead hands. If they don’t, then we can rest easy knowing another threat to our rule is dealt with.” Invernus pointed to the center of the table, where a flawless crystal orb about the size of a fist sat. One of the Orbs of the Creator- the best thing he’d managed to extract from this terrible job, confiscating their ‘holy artifact’ for safekeeping.

“And besides, as long as we have THIS, our victory is guaranteed! They cannot penetrate this castle’s hard walls, with any of their weapons-”

A chortle broke the silence, making Invernus slam his staff into the ground again in agitation. “THE NEXT PERSON TO INTERRUPT ME SHALL HAVE THEIR NETHERS NAILED TO THE CEILING!” Silence followed. Good. They can save the gibbering and maniacal laughter for AFTER we have won the war.

“Now go. Keep at your respective subtle plans in the current area, and tell your subordinates to watch out for any suspicious elves! If we make any moves that are TOO sudden, the general populace, or that party, will notice- and we cannot afford THAT.” Invernus waved his hand dismissively. “Meeting adjourned!”

Once Invernus was alone, he peered back at the Orb. “So, you’ve crawled your way back to the world from the pit you retreated to, have you, Asteron? Heh. No matter.” His skeletal face cracked into a grin that would send chills down the spines of infants everywhere. “Good. My revenge will be sweeter than the finest pastries, and your demise shall be swifter than a single breath! Heh heh heh… Nyeh heh heh heh ha ha ha ha ha!!” 

His nasally laughter echoed throughout the halls as he left- the kind of laugh that does not inspire mirth, for anyone who hears it knows that only bad things come after…

Author's Note: Fun, right? Finally I get to unleash these big bads and let their personalities flow. Feel free to read Invernus' dialogue in a Skeletor voice.
Also, new art from @Dragon_Tamer8 on twitter! This time its Stephen!! He's come a long way from being a terrible parody of a certain romance author.
Anyway, finally the party gets to leave this place, look forward to more exciting things!!

Chapter Text

Transport across the whole of Milennia can take many forms. Of course there are simple carriages pulled by beasts of burden, but for more important people, sometimes they prefer something a little extra.

The bactaurs of the desert continent are one such example, making constant back and forth trips to and from that region. They are often employed by merchants, owing to their considerable strength and not needing very much water.

Of course, they are well aware of their advantageous build, and tend to charge a fortune for their services, so simple joyrides are not often an option. They do not possess the same cultural taboo against riding on their backs as centaurs do, at least- though their fee does not change much even if they’re merely carrying a person, rather than a full cart.

In any case, unless you’re a paying customer or managed to get on the good side of one- difficult considering they are people of few words and fewer outward thoughts- don’t try just asking for a ride somewhere. It won’t end well.

-The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Milennia

The party had been on the road to the desert for a few days, and it had only taken one for Rex to start losing his marbles.

Celeste was currently asleep, taking soft breaths while muttering complete gibberish and drooling in a very unpriestlike manner. Rex couldn’t understand most of it- not that he wanted to. Stephen was seated as far away from the front of the cart as possible owing to Sulvan’s smell. Rex didn’t care- he’d experienced worse in wyvern training growing up- but he did not feel like risking their transport, so Rex was in the front instead.

He was busy scrawling in his notebook about god-knows-what, and Spacey was busy reading something he did not care to know the contents of.

Usagi and Arandia looked similarly bored, but were silent on the matter. Usagi was busy sharpening his knife, and Arandia was occupied with weaving thread from her rear end into some large apparatus.

“Are we there yet?” Octavia complained. Every time she said that, his eye twitched. The intervals between that query had gotten shorter and shorter over the course of the day- soon she’d start saying it before she’d even finished the previous one.

“No.” Rex groaned. “It will take approximately a week to get to the next town.” Rex grumbled. “And you have been asking me that CONSTANTLY. The answer will not change just because you want it to!”

“Oh.” Octavia finally seemed to get the message… for approximately five seconds, before turning over to look outside the cart. “Hey, Big Red, take a look at this!”

I despise that nickname! Is “Rex” too difficult for you to utter?! Rex turned around, extremely annoyed. “If you ask if we’re there yet one more time, I will tie your tongue in a knot!” Rex spat.

“Nah, not that. Take a look at this! HEY, SKINNY LEGS! STOP THE CART FOR A SECOND!”

“Fine.” After his monosyllabic response, Sulvan stopped moving, bringing the cart to a rattling halt. Rex thanked his lucky stars that Celeste was currently asleep- the last thing he needed at the moment was more of her pseudoreligious ramblings. Though, if his compatriots kept up their bickering, that probably wouldn’t last much longer… If I have to hear another lecture about how Asteron is the one true god, I might just unhook that bactaur and ride off to leave these people altogether!

Rex looked over to where Octavia was ogling, and saw a barrel labelled ‘beer’ sitting on the side of the road. “And? What are we supposed to do with this?”

“Man, you really are dense.” Octavia groaned. “You DRINK it, that’s what? It’s not hard. And besides, don’t we need as many supplies as we can get on this looooooooong journey?” Octavia grinned mischeviously. “Isn’t that right, Big Red?”

“She’s right, y’know.” Arandia chimed in, having been alerted by the mere mention of alcohol. “If we run out of water, that’s our next best bet…”

“You- I-” Rex frantically tried to think of a retort that would prevent the inevitable drunken mess, but to no avail. I am going to regret every minute of this. “Fine. Retrieve the vessel, then we can get back on our way.”

“Woohoo!!” Octavia snaked out three tentacles from the front of the cart and grabbed the barrel, grunting with exertion as she hauled it in and laid it between the party members with a loud thud, making the cart shake a bit. Rex prayed that Sulvan wouldn’t complain about the added weight. “This’ll pick things up!” Octavia giggled. “Oh, yeah, gimme that…” She pulled a cup out of Rex’s bag and poured herself a glass.

“Isn’t it a little early to start drinking?” Usagi snarked. “It’s not even the afternoon yet.”

Octavia shrugged. “Hey, I don’t see a clock here, so for me any time is valid.” Downing the first glass quickly, she went for another one with all the gusto of a hog in a trough.

“As if I’ll let you hog all that for yourself, BITCH.” Arandia grunted. “I’ve had a hangover for the past three days!” Arandia grabbed one of the spare mugs, and rolled it across the floor of the cart to Rex. “Hey. Think you could get me some of that? I can’t really move that well in here.”

Rex sighed. “Very well… just please try to refrain from getting into mayhem in this narrow space.”

A few minutes later, Octavia and Arandia were deep into the bottoms of their mugs. Usagi was nursing the first one- understandable, given his status as an extreme lightweight.

Rex was not having any, because someone needed to be alert around here in case some threat came out of nowhere.

“I wonder who left that thing around, anyway.” Arandia took another swig. “Fucking waste to drop a whole barrel of it out here, even if it’s cheap…”

Octavia giggled. “Hey, if they wanted it, they wouldn’t have left it here.”

“It’s not even that bad, as far as cheap beer goes…” Arandia muttered. “Dwarven beer is always good, even when it sucks.”

“How can you tell what it is?” Rex interjected, slightly curious.

“Trust me, when you’ve been in enough bars and downed enough mugs as I have, you tend to pick up on these things.” Arandia waved the mug she was holding, and a few droplets splashed onto the tattered shirt she was still stuck in. Which looked like it was falling apart… not that it covered much in the first place.

His eyes were wandering to her well-defined abs. …no wonder she never uses armor, with a physique like that, one could probably take quite a beating- Rex shook his head. Stop staring! Rex forced himself back to attention, trying to find anything else to focus on, settling on the half-finished thing she was weaving. He scooted closer to get a better look at it. “Ahem. What is that you’re working on?”

“Oh, this?” Arandia held up the silk apparatus. “A hammock. Sleeping on the ground sucks ass for somebody like, well,” She gestured to her lower half, currently crammed into the cart. “Well, like me. So I like to carry one of those around to sleep in. SO much more comfortable. Unfortunately I lost my last one- they don’t let you keep that in jail, the assholes- so I have to make a new one from scratch.”

Rex peered at the unfinished fabric, marvelling at the skill and dexterity it must have taken to get it into a workable form. Especially since Arandia had no form of knitting or weaving implements. “Impressive. And you’ve got so much of it already…”

Arandia grinned, in a rare moment of genuine pride in something that wasn’t violence. “Yeah, now that I have actual food in my stomach, I can make a lot more. Spider silk’s one of the strongest threads in the world. All those pissy weavers in the rich cities ain’t got NOTHING on us.” Arandia bragged. “I’ve had to fight people with nothing but a few stray threads before, and it works way better than you’d think, especially as a makeshift garrote. And, of course, it’s good for tying bastards up.”

Rex’s thoughts went to a spider’s web, and how he’d once observed a small spider devouring a fly easily with nary a fuss. …do driders eat people? That’s what I’ve heard, but- Before he slammed the brakes on that train of thought. Get your mind out of the sewer, you are not Stephen! “That sounds extremely useful. Can you hang from it like smaller arachnids do?”

Arandia shrugged. “Nah, I’m too heavy for that. Could probably lower one of the lighter people here, though.” Arandia paused, looking Rex up and down for a moment. “Not you, though. You’re probably too heavy. Especially with that armor.”

Rex nodded. “Hm. Perhaps you’re right. Usagi would probably be a better fit.” 

Arandia leaned in closer to Rex, narrowing her eyes. For a moment, Rex felt as if he was being sized up in a different manner. “I mean, we could TEST that without the armor at some point, but you don’t seem like a stealthy type…”

As she bent down to his eye level, she was closer to him than she ever had been. Arandia’s ragged shirt didn’t do much to conceal her ample, battle-scarred chest, and all of a sudden, Rex’s armor felt a bit tighter than it normally was, and his breath hitched for a second. Stop it, stop staring-

Octavia hiccuped, before unleashing a loud belch and completely derailing Rex’s train of thought from heading down the path to the station of improper thoughts. “Heyyy, I wonder if we’re there yet-”

At that moment, something in Rex snapped, and he slammed his fist on his leg.

“IF ONE MORE OF YOU OPENS THEIR MOUTH WITH THAT QUESTION, I WILL TURN THIS CART AROUND!!” Rex bellowed. “Am I the only one taking this endeavor seriously?!”

Arandia groaned in annoyance. “Hey, big red. You can’t take EVERYTHING seriously all the time, no wonder you’ve constantly got your tail up your ass.”

“Remember: Precept 1 is ‘alcohol is the elixir of chaos and relaxation!” Octavia said in her usual bubbly tone. She grabbed another mug and poured it for Rex. “C’moooooooon, what do ya say?” She wiggled the mug to accentuate her point.

Rex thought for a moment. I suppose being too uptight is not good for my sanity, nor is being constantly paranoid. And it would be rude for a leader to not participate in the merrymaking of his subjects, lest he appear too aloof for them…

“I suppose one mug wouldn’t cause too much harm.”

One hour later…

“I could- HIC- I could probably lift you, your top half, at least-” Rex sputtered. “I’m still a dragonborn, we’re famous for our strength- HIC!”

“Really, then why did I have to-” Arandia belched, interrupting her thought. “Why did I have to carry ya away from that chimera? You should try some strength training, that way maybe you can carry ME for a change!”

“I’m not tall enough for that! Your legs would be dragging on the ground!!” Rex retorted. “Besides, getting to carry a ruler on your back is an honor!! You should appreciate it!”

Arandia slapped Rex on the back hard enough to nearly knock him over, laughing heartily. “HA! If you ever get a queen, you’ll have to take that up with her, I bet she won’t be happy if she has to carry you away from the altar!”

“There is no shame in that! My great-grandfather was carried away by HIS bride on their wedding day!” Rex belched loudly, accidentally sending out a small burst of fire. “And no one questioned HIS strength- being able to survive a night with her was proof enough of that!”

“Really. How big was she?”

Rex held up his arms to mime holding a very large object. “Large enough that she would take up most of the church by herself if he didn’t hold the ceremony outside!”

“WOW, your ancestors sound like champs!” Arandia laughed, throwing an arm around the swaying dragonborn. “Wonder if it runs in the family, huh?”

“ONE DAY! ONE DAY I SHALL HAVE A BRIDE EQUAL TO THAT OF MY STRONGEST FOREBEARS!! QUEEN REGINA AND KING IMPERIUS BROUGHT STRENGTH TO THE BLOODLINE, AND I SHALL DO THE SAME!!” Rex boasted, loudly. “I SWEAR IT ON-” Rex was interrupted by coughing loudly, having had far above his normal level of alcohol. He was a big man, but even he had his limits.

Stephen was observing the duo’s squabbling with steadily increasing interest. “Oh my. It appears those two are really bonding…” He pulled out his notebook and began scrawling. “I can use this. I know he said not to put him in any of my novels, but as long as the names are changed…”

Yes, perhaps this will get me out of my current slump… although, owing to my current situation, I shall probably be late for the next publishing deadline anyway. I must remember to send a letter to the Sassy Satyr’s office…

Spacey leaned over to look at what he was writing, nodding in approval at the salacious sentences she glimpsed. “Yeah. Prim and proper royal nerd with absolute disaster that he feels the need to fix but drags him out of his shell?” She giggled, as if she’d finally reached a chapter in a book where a slow-burning ember turned into a proper flame. “Aaaah, it’s a classic pattern for a reason. Reminds me of that subplot in- what was that book called?” She placed her hand where a chin would be if she had bones, pondering. “The one with the mercury dragonborn asking out an entire king’s court in order…”

“Hardening Steel and Flowing Mercury? ” Stephen responded. “Yes, I’ve heard of that one, one of the Marquis de Mado’s less influential works. Personally, I thought it went on too long before the ACTUAL couple was introduced.”

“What?! But the repeated failures just make the end result sweeter!” Spacey argued.

Stephen slammed his notebook shut, adjusting his glasses. Normally he was an agreeable sort when it came to others’ preferences, but the works of that author were an exception. The Marquis de Mado… I do not appreciate his work, to put it mildly. Influential does not automatically mean it’s worth going back to! “It was HALF THE BOOK! The Marquis de Mado may have bravely pushed boundaries in terms of acceptable content, but he knew very little of proper structuring of a plot! The best part about it is the flowery descriptions, and there’s only so many ways you can word ‘flowing liquid metal’ before it becomes a dreadful bore to read!”

Spacey shrugged, uncaring of Stephen’s sudden outburst. “Honestly, I read the whole thing in a night… I suppose if I didn’t know the ending already before I started I’d be as annoyed as you.”

“Of course!” Stephen raised his hands to gesticulate dramatically. “But I try to read books in as blind of a manner as one who has stared at the sun, so I was not aware of the eventual happy resolution- it seemed that most of it was rolling a die and picking out a coupling at random.”

Another hour later...

As Spacey and Stephen continued to discuss the merits of ‘classic’ literature, Rex and Arandia had finally stopped their bickering- because both of them had passed out. Arandia was leaning on Rex’s shoulder, snoring like a woodcutter desperate to build a cabin for the winter. Rex was similarly out cold.

Usagi chuckled. Adorable. They could win a beauty contest together. Well, provided all the other contestants were similarly brutish. A beauty contest for warriors, perhaps?

Octavia, meanwhile, was starting to turn a shade of purple a bit different from her usual pallor. Usagi noticed, and tapped her on the shoulder. “Are you all right, there? That was a lot for one person to imbibe, in such a short time-”

Octavia hiccuped, lolling her head like a limp doll. “I’ll be fine, I’ve drank- drunk more than this before. As long as the ride’s smooth for a little bit, it’ll pass-”

Suddenly the cart rocked and shook, wildly jolting the occupants! Arandia lost her perch on Rex’s shoulder and ended up in his lap, instead- though neither of them woke up.

“Sorry.” Sulvan muttered. “There was a hole in the road.”

Usagi sighed. Nearly scared me half to death, there. He turned to Octavia, who was sweating intensely. Oh, no, please, not here. “Octavia, if you are about to return your last meal to the land of the living, please do it outside of the-”

“URK!” Octavia couldn’t hold it back any longer, and coughed up a huge blob of ink all over Rex! Thankfully, neither him nor Arandia woke up, and Stephen and Spacey were too entrenched in their arguing to notice either.

Ohhh, he’s going to be very annoyed about his cape when he wakes up.

“Aw, man, now I have to make more of that!!” Octavia groaned, seemingly totally unconcerned. “That’s really annoying.”

“That’s not vomit?” Usagi said, very confused. He had figured octomaid biology was odd, but this was a new one.

“No, silly, that’s ink! Great for blinding people and generally being distracting. Problem is if I feel sick, I might toss that up first…”

“Well, we should probably clean that up, before-” A delightfully devilish idea crossed Usagi’s mind. “No, this will be quite amusing. Give me a minute…”

Usagi dipped his finger into the dark fluid- it wasn’t at all sticky, to his surprise. He leaned over to the sleeping Celeste with a mischevious grin. “Just a little touch of this, and… perfect.” With a few dextrous strokes, he had drawn a delightful picture on the shining blank canvas that was her forehead. He returned to his seat to admire his handiwork.

“Ooh, you mischevious little rabbit, you!” Octavia patted him on the head with one of her tentacles. “If you gave up the thieving you could be a great cultist!”

“Is everything all right back there?” Sulvan asked, not even bothering to actually look. “I would hope we haven’t lost any passengers yet.”

“No, good man, we are quite fine and dandy.” Usagi chuckled mirthfully. He nudged Celeste’s foot with his own, in an attempt to wake her up. The reaction to this would be splendid- if she was actually awake.

Unfortunately, she was currently sleeping like a log. Octavia seemed to notice, and started grinning mischeviously. “Don’t worry, I got this.” Before Usagi could stop her, she moved one of her tentacles to Celeste’s face… and attached itself to her face, right between her eyes!

Well, I suppose I’ll just sit back and watch the show, now. It’s out of my hands…

“Mmgghh, Asteron… candy…” The feeling of suction had roused her from her slumber- and her reaction to seeing a purple tentacle over her nose was not pleasant.

“AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHH!!” Celeste screeched, grabbing the slimy appendage and yanking it off her face! “What- what what what?! What are you DOING?!”

“You were asleep.” Octavia said, matter-of-factly. Usagi was struggling not to laugh- the drawing on her face was bad enough, but now there were sucker marks on her nose to make it even worse!

Celeste was turning a violent shade of red with very un-priestess-like rage“Why are you giggling?! What did you do?!” Don’t laugh, keep your poker face up. It’ll be plenty of practice for situations when I might need it. Like games of poker.

“Oh, nothing.” Usagi said, as calmly has he could muster, but his forced frown betrayed him.

“You! I know you did something! I’ll deal with you in a minute!!” Celeste scrambled to the front of the cart, fretting intensely.“Oh my gosh, I am SO sorry for these people. They’re not usually so rowdy!!” Octavia was struggling not to burst out in a massive guffaw at that statement, but managed to keep her composure for a little bit longer.

All Sulvan said in response was “You’re not even close to the worst I’ve had to pull.”

And Celeste did not know whether to be relieved that her compatriots weren’t too bad, or offended and embarrassed that they were in the running.

“Also, you might want to look in a mirror. There’s something on your face.”

“What?” Celeste turned around. “You! Let me borrow your face for a minute.” She grabbed Spacey and pulled her close, in order to get an appraisal on her current state. 

Spacey protested, annoyed. “Hey, what the- NOT how to treat a lady!!” Ignoring her, Celeste stared into the shiny surface. Thankfully, her flat screen was shiny and reflective enough to do the job… not that what Celeste saw brought her joy. 

Namely, the ink drawn in the shape of certain… lewd male anatomy directly in the center of her forehead. She whirled around towards Usagi and Octavia, eyes filled with absolute fury. “THIS IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT A WOMAN OF THE CLOTH, LET ALONE A HIGH PRIESTESS OF THE HIGHEST GOD IN THE LAND!! PUNISHMENT! PUNISHMENT SHALL BE YOUR FATE!! ASTERON!! DO SOMETHING TO THEM!!”

Unfortunately, absolutely nothing happened, making Celeste growl indignantly- which, unfortunately, was enough to wake up the sleeping Rex and Arandia.

“What in the gods’ name is that racket?! I’m trying to-” Rex paused. “Why do I feel wet?”

Arandia couldn’t hide her chuckles. “Oh, gods. Uh, Rex… you’ve got a little something on your, um, everywhere.”

Bringing a hand to his face to investigate, Rex glimpsed the black liquid on his hand- and all hell broke loose. “MY CAPE!! MY GLORIOUS CRIMSON SCALES!! WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS GRAVE INSULT WILL BE MADE OFFICIAL ENEMIES OF THE DRAGONIAN STATE!!”

Oh boy. Usagi sensed some sort of punishment was incoming, and he hoped it wouldn’t be too harsh.

Sulvan was trying his best to ignore all the chaos happening behind him. It was part of his job, after all. And he had a strong motivator, indeed. Stronger than most of his brethren, which were only after a living.

Just one last trip… then I can finally afford what I’ve been looking for. Prince Mau… I hope you’ll think me worthy enough to consider my proposal.

The thought of those feelings, and the soft touch and softer fur of his beloved, helped him press on and ignore the steadily rising level of volume of the party behind him. At least he’d been paid well for this.

Author's Note: This took a hot minute longer than I was expecting, had to plan the next batch of chapters after this. Enjoy the worst road trip ever!

Chapter Text

We have good news to report, fellow men and women of culture! We have found a new printing house!

Turns out, the great Sisterhood has more in line with our aims than we thought- freedom, neutrality, and salacious tales of bravery and bedrooms! Don’t expect any spicy articles on them in the near future, though- they like their secrecy. Especially the Eldest Sister.

Ever since we were founded, we support the right to bring trash to the masses! It’s what they crave- and what the Empire doesn’t want you to have! So, if you want more up-to-date publications, consider moving to the great underground city of Blackmar! (Address will not be provided, as per orders from the Sisterhood. If you know, you know.)

In other news, the latest installment of “Passions of the Dark” will be delayed from the next issue, as its author seems to be going through some personal trouble. Updates will be given as they develop.
-The Sassy Satyr Newsletter

Usagi couldn’t sleep. He really wanted to, but he couldn’t. As punishment for getting Rex soaked in ink and drawing lewd symbols on Celeste’s forehead, he’d been assigned the first watch. And the second watch.

Oh, gods, this is dull. He didn’t want to risk sneaking around or messing with people’s wallets,lest they wake up and throw him in even more hot water. I didn’t even know Celeste’s language could be that colorful… even without swearing, she can be frightening when she wants to be. He had TRIED to explain that Octavia was an equal accomplice in the proceedings, but they were having none of it- “Usagi was the one who had the idea!”, she said. And they believed her instantly- perhaps they thought she wasn’t uncouth enough to come up with such graffiti.

He looked around behind him. All he could see for miles was flat, grassy plains. Come on, at least let there be a wild animal, or something. Anything better than this blasted silence. Usagi sighed and looked outside, again. Nothing. Every time he had looked outside that blasted cart, there was absolutely nothing. Please, give me some drama already… Finding it harder and harder to stay awake, he could feel himself dozing off, ready for dreams of tall, fluffy-

A sound. His big ears perked up, and Usagi reflexively jolted to his feet. Being a thief meant that you had to be ready for any disturbance and react fast enough- a skill that had been honed through years of difficult training from his clan. Even with their dissolution, it had served him well all these years later. He hurriedly pulled out his knife, readying it for…

A market stall with wheels, with a lantern attached. The sound had been the soft grinding of its wheels against the dirt road, snapping stray sticks and whatnot. Confused, Usagi pinched himself. Ow! The twinge of pain told him he wasn’t dreaming. Couldn’t rule out hallucinations yet, though. In any case, this deserves further investigation. What in the gods’ name is something like this doing out in the middle of nowhere- and how did I not see that light from farther away?

Granted, he wasn’t paying the most attention he could’ve been, but something about it was still very odd. Nearly tripping over one of Arandia’s hairy legs, he clambered over the tangle of his party members’ limbs, approaching the side of the cart to get a closer look at the interloping vehicle.

It was similar in size to Fuku’s Lucky Catbox, but significantly less welcoming, being made of sheets of dented metal hastily nailed together. The lantern hung underneath the awning, illuminating the front of the cart with an almost ethereal glow. Beneath it was a counter covered in indiscriminate junk, and what seemed to be a metal shutter- closed, oddly. There was no beast of burden pulling the vehicle, which seemed to be moving on its own before coming to a stop a short distance away.

Off to the side was a lady wearing what looked like some kind of swimwear, holding an arrow-shaped sign carved out of wood, and posing in rather attention-grabbing ways. Every so often she would shift the sign to some other suggestive pose- Usagi wondered if she was trying to draw more attention to herself than the stall. She appeared to be talking to somebody- but from this distance, he couldn’t hear a word of it.

Not that Usagi held any interest- she wasn’t his type, after all- but anyone who would be skulking around at this hour might be the kind of criminal element he could get along with. Or they could simply be waiting for victims to murder, but Usagi hoped that wasn’t the case.

Atop the metal transport was an enormous, wooden sign that read “Deals So Good You’d Sell Your Soul For Them!” But underneath was small, printed text that read “We do not accept souls. Souls have no monetary value.” Usagi was utterly befuddled. This is very odd. Why is the woman out front trying to attract so much attention if the place is closed? It doesn’t make any sense.

And yet, it intrigued him. Perhaps he’d find some useful magic item there. Perhaps he’d find an erstwhile associate in whoever ran the place, or the lady posing outside. Whatever the case, Usagi carefully began to climb over the edge of the cart to investigate-

“What are you doing?” A voice broke the silence, sending Usagi’s nerves into overdrive. What?! Who?! Usagi whirled around to see who’d broken the silence, only to see Stephen sitting up, rubbing his eyes. Without his glasses, Usagi got a look at the bags under his eyes- clearly he had some sleepless nights, writing whatever nonsense paid the bills.

For gods’ sake! Usagi cursed himself for his momentary lack of awareness. “Oh, it’s only you. Don’t startle me like that, you nearly made me jump out of my hide.” He turned back to the mysterious vehicle, regarding it with a mixture of interest and caution.

Stephen rubbed his chin. “For a minute there, I thought you were planning to loot our pockets. But you wouldn’t do that, right?” Disappointing that he thinks so little of me. I haven’t stolen anything from the party yet!
“I’m not fool enough to defecate where I eat, you know.” Usagi whispered. “No, I was distracted by that.” He pointed at the stall. Stephen moved beside him to regard the peculiar structure, looking just as puzzled as he was.

“That definitely wasn’t there before.” Stephen mused. “Why would a market stall be in the middle of nowhere, in a huge field?”

Usagi peered at the stall. “Merchants are intrepid sorts, and they have a nose for adventurers. Why, I know a certain informant who always seems to pop up where I am. Very odd.”

Stephen raised his eyebrow. “Was this that tabaxi you were telling me about? Are you sure she’s not stalking you?”

Usagi shrugged, seemingly uncaring of how it could be read. “When you’re in my line of work, you’re lucky to have consistent contacts at all. Besides, with that terrifying creature she keeps around, she could definitely have my head if she wanted to.”

Stephen coughed, trying not to chuckle at the unintentional innuendo. “Yes, quite, I suppose… I hope you’re not thinking about leaving here to take a look at that place.”

Sharper than I’d expected, eh? Usagi turned around, trying to put on his best ‘this will be perfectly fine’ voice. “Oh, come now, let’s take a look. What do we have to lose?”

Stephen, for his part, looked nervous, tired, and not at all convinced. “Perhaps all our lives, if something takes the opportunity to attack our sleeping friends…”

Egh, nobles. Always so worried about what could go wrong, rather than what they’re missing. Usagi waved his hand dismissively. “Ah, you worry too much. There is NOTHING around here at all, and it’s all just flat grassy plains as far as the eye can see. If ANYTHING comes by, we can raise the alarm and everything will be fine.”

Stephen paused for a moment, before sighing. “Very well. I suppose letting you go off on your own would be MORE dangerous for us. Hopefully this doesn’t go horribly.”

Usagi hopped out of the cart, with Stephen following carefully behind. At least he’d have somebody watching his back if things went wrong… even if he would have preferred somebody with a bit more actual combat ability.

As Stephen and Usagi made their way to the mysterious business, Stephen shivered, his teeth rattling. It was much colder than usual, and his current thin pajamas were not built for this weather. Please let this go quickly… I need my beauty sleep, after all. I hate sleeping outside! Wind, bugs, dampness, argh. Stephen thanked his lucky stars he wasn’t wearing his usual attire, which would undoubtedly be besmirched by the mud pit they were tromping through.

As they approached, the figure near the stall became clearer. She was a tall, busty woman wearing a chainmail bikini, with visible padding underneath to prevent chafing. The top was silver, and the bottom was gold- and both were adorned with many hanging jewels that drew even more attention to it. It was clearly made to be flashy and not for any sort of practical use. Around her neck hung a small necklace with a bell attached.

Her skin was a deep shade of bronze, like freshly-minted coins. It was fairly chilly out, but she didn’t seem to care at all.

She looked human at first glance, but a couple telltale signs told Stephen that she definitely wasn’t. The spiralling horns protruding from her metallic blond hair. The long, slender, golden tail. She could only be one thing, and Stephen knew exactly what.

Is that- is that a succubus?! I’ve heard about them plenty, but never seen one in person… even though the editor-in-chief of the Sassy Satyr is one… Lurid tales of their exploits flashed through his mind. Succubi and incubi were famous (or infamous, in the Empire’s eyes) for founding an entire tabloid for the sole purpose of chronicling their more… interesting endeavors. The fact they became an icon of counterculture against the Empire’s propaganda was by pure accident.

“Oh, boys… interested in some fine treasure?” The succubus mimed blowing a kiss. “I promise, these deals are very good.” Stephen gulped. Well, I suppose now is as good a time as any to practice the art of conversation with-

Usagi elbowed him, breaking him out of his distracted trance. "Word of advice, in case your mind is in the gutter- she's probably not your type."

Stephen glared at him, huffing indignantly. "How do YOU know what my 'type' is?! We have known each other for just over a week!"

The harengon shrugged, continuing to make his way towards the stall. "You're a noble, I doubt your type includes women who have a high chance of robbing you blind."

“You- not everyone is as much of a miscreant as yourself!” Stephen hissed. “Some people have a moral compass!”

Usagi turned to him, raising his brow quizzically. “Oh, I have one of those. It just has a magnet affixed to the bottom so it always points the same way.”

The more words Usagi spouted, the more Stephen could feel his patience draining away. “That doesn’t make any sense!”

“Ahem.” The succubus cleared her throat, in a bid to get their attention. “Are you boys gonna buy something, or are you just gonna window shop?” The succubus drawled. “Looking’s free, but if you touch it, you buy it.”

“Oh, don’t worry, we’ll be there in a minute.” Usagi said, clearly trying to put on the charm. He whispered to Stephen, “Anyway, stop staring and go talk to her already before you embarrass yourself. I have shopping to do.”

“I thought you said-” Before Stephen could finish, Usagi shoved him closer to the bored-looking succubus. Attached to her lingerie was a small name tag- directly in the center of it. Stephen, trying desperately not to look at her assets, focused on that instead. It read “Mula.”

“You don’t have to be shy about lookin’, doll. The name tag’s there for a reason.” Mula giggled.

First impressions are everything. Maintain your composure… MAINTAIN IT! It was an easy line of thought to consider, but Stephen was tired, nervous, and he’d been thrust into this with minimal preparation- the normal flowery language he was so gifted with was escaping him in the face of the lady before him.

“Y-yes, indeed. Ahem.” Stephen took a deep breath. It was now or never. “Well, it certainly saves some time from introductions. The name is Stephen. Very pleased to meet you.” He neglected to include his last name, since he didn’t know if someone else who might want him dead was watching. Hopefully that group wouldn’t include this lady. “You seem like a very shrewd businesswoman.”

Mula giggled, waving her tail gracefully. "Yes, this is the home of big deals and bigger treasures. I’ve been employed here for about a year now- and I wouldn’t give up this job for the world.”

Stephen raised his eyebrow. “Oh, you’re not the owner of this establishment?”

“Oh, gods, no, I don’t have the talent for that. My boss is in there.” Mula jerked a thumb at the metal shutter. “He’s fast asleep at the moment, so it’s my job to handle sales at less… welcoming hours. Comes with room and board, spending money, and… other benefits.” She licked her lips at that last part.

Stephen caught his thoughts venturing into the abyss of hackneyed magazine serials, and shook his head. No, get your mind out of the gutter, not everything is as lewd as you imagine!

“Anyway, what’s a handsome fellow like you doing in a place like this, hm?” Mula looked up and down Stephen’s pajama-clad frame. At that moment, he really wished he had taken the time to put on a proper outfit. Then again, he didn’t know there’d be a potential match here… he’d just have to let his natural charisma carry him across the yawning chasm of social interaction, and hope he didn’t trip and fall on some tiny pebble.

“Well, ahem, I-” Stephen stopped. This is a big quest to save the world, perhaps I should be a little more careful with what information I divulge. “We are but travellers, attempting to see the world. I myself draw much inspiration from my adventures for artistic endeavors.” That was technically correct, even if it didn’t reveal everything.

Mula tilted her head, idly stroking one of her horns. “A real poet, huh. How scintillating… tell me more. You must have a real way with words.” 

In his head, Stephen knew that a succubus of all people wouldn’t bat an eye at his chosen profession, but knowing that and being ready to divulge it so casually were entirely different things. “In a manner of speaking, yes. It’s a bit more reliant on prose than rhyme or other such schemes…” He hoped she wouldn’t pry into any more detail, lest he either say something incriminating or get a judging look for his career path.

“Mmm. How much does it pay?” Stephen couldn’t tell whether she was actually interested or whether she was just attempting to make small talk, but it was too late to stop now.

“Really, it’s more for the love of the craft than to make a lot of money, but it pays well enough, I suppose.” Well, I don’t have to worry about renting that apartment anymore, so my assets will probably improve considerably.

Usagi shook his head. This was an absolutely pathetic display. Stephen had frozen up completely, stammering about his art vaguely, while the succubus known as Mula continued to chat him up- definitely planning to rope him into a big sale. He would seriously have to consider giving him flirting lessons later just so he wouldn’t have to witness such tomfoolery ever again.

Gods, if I ever have to resort to such methods, someone might as well kill me.

Ignoring Stephen, Usagi scanned the counter. Seeing what was on it in detail was a tad difficult owing to his vertically challenged stature, but on his tiptoes he could get enough of a visual. Most of it was random detritus that didn’t seem particularly interesting. A small music box with  no key and nothing to indicate what tune it played. A ring with a golden tooth made out of it, with some name inscribed.

There was a figure in gaudy packaging of some hobbit in a cloak, claiming to be an important relic depicting a great hero. Usagi detested these things. They were cheap and ugly, and their only worth was airheads speculating they’d be more valuable later. The one thing that stuck out immediately was a small metal bracelet, with a golden cat paw on it.

There was a sign on the shutter that read, ‘Other items available upon request, depending on availability. Speak to the owner for details’. Unfortunately, the owner did not seem to be present, even after a brief knock on the shutter, so Usagi paid it no mind. If he’s not awake now, it’s probably not worth waking him up for this. He could learn something from Fuku- if that bell rings, she’s awake in a flash.

Out of everything here, the bracelet was calling to him. Hm, Fuku would like that… I wonder how much she would pay for it. At least I’ll be able to maintain my dignity for a change… that voice she asks for is horribly embarrassing.

Unfortunately, the price tag- 500 gold- was far above his pay grade at the moment. Of course, master thieves didn’t typically pay for things. He looked back over to Mula- she was still chatting with Stephen, who looked like a startled chicken. Perfect. She’s totally distracted…

He looked back at the shutter, which was still firmly closed, with no sign of the owner being present anywhere. It’s just a little bracelet, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her…

Usagi gingerly reached up and grabbed the ring, quickly slipping it into his pocket. Stealing another glance at the chatting duo- Stephen was still busy serving his distraction role well.

Perfect. Now, to make a quick exit… Usagi began to slowly slink away from the area, and back to the safety of the cart.

Mula looked at the counter, noticing the empty spot where the bracelet used to be, and sighed. “Oh, lovely.” She grabbed the small bell from her necklace and rang it, the tinkling noise piercing the silence of the night like a needle through a bubble. “Oh, darling, we have another thief trying to get lucky.”

Calm down, Usagi, she hasn’t accused you of anything. Hopefully. Just keep walking… As soon Usagi took another step, an eldritch-sounding gurgle erupted from the stall! Oh, this is going to be unpleasant, isn’t it.

Stephen turned around to look at him, looking very cross. “You- what did you do?! Did you rob this fine lady?!” But before Usagi could even attempt to lie his way out of the situation, the metal shutter of the stall slammed open, and a long, red bumpy tentacle lashed out!

“What in the gods’ name- AGH!” Usagi’s exclamation was put to a screeching halt by more tentacles grabbing him and slamming his face into the dirt. Another one emerged and wrapped around his arms, pinning them behind his back! What- how- why is there a tentacled horror inside the stall?!

“Oh, dear. You’re a naughty bunny, aren’t you, doll? Thought you could get away with that?” Mula laughed. “Too bad for you, the owner doesn’t take kindly to thieves.”

“Th-that’s the owner?!” Usagi yelped, regretting every choice he’d made that led up to this moment. A tentacle quickly slithered around Usagi’s pocket and snatched the bracelet from it, before yanking him up by the back of his robe, before the other one wagged its tip like a babysitter admonishing a toddler. “Listen, there are more than a few ladies who would be VERY angry if any harm were to come to me. I’ll just take my leave, and we can-”

Mula did not care to let him finish his begging. “You have quite the talent for digging yourself into deeper holes- fitting for a rabbit. Though, not necessarily getting out of them.” Mula smirked. “How do I know you haven’t taken anything ELSE while I wasn’t looking? Darling, shake him down, will you?” At Mula’s behest, the tentacle roughly shook Usagi up and down, until several coins, a candlestick, and a towel tumbled out of his robe’s pockets.

“Those aren’t from you! Those are from the hotel in the last town!” Usagi stammered, hoping that would help. It didn’t. “The bracelet was the only thing!!”

“Oh, but Darling doesn’t take too kindly to thieves.” Mula grinned, her formerly flirtatious demeanor giving way to cold sternness.

Stephen was struggling to process what was happening around him. The shop had a tentacle monster inside of it, that was currently shaking down Usagi, yet did not seem concerned with him at all.

This sounds like something I would make up for one of my novels, but it’s actually happening!! Stephen wished he had his notebook on hand right now- but right now there were other things to focus on.

One of the bumpy, red tendrils was wound protectively around Mula’s arm, the tip weaving itself into her hand as she idly ran her fingers across it. Another had wound itself snugly into the spiralled groove of her horn, as if it was made for that purpose.

Compared to the violent handling it had subjected Usagi to, the way the creature held the succubus was different. Protective, yet gentle- and in turn, Mula seemed totally unafraid of the aberration’s close touch, giving the limb near her head a gentle pat. Stephen could have sworn he’d seen gold-colored marks on one of the waving appendages- lipstick, perhaps?

…oh, my. Could she have- No, Stephen focus, you have a bigger problem on your hands!

“Wait, ahem, I- our party needs him alive, thank you!” Stephen stammered.

Mula giggled. “And how do I know that you weren’t in on the heist, hm? Trying to chat me up while your little bunny makes off with the goods.”

Stephen struggled to come up with a way out of this. Think, Stephen! If you let a party member get grievously injured on your watch, Rex will be furious! Use your words! "You see, I'm doing research on pickup techniques of the criminal element, who don't necessarily need to worry about maintaining good reputations… It’d be very useful for my latest novel!”

Mula narrowed her eyes, as if thinking. "Really, now. What other books have you written?"

Stephen dreaded revealing his work to just anybody, but now he had no choice- further lies would probably just make things worse. “Well, Scales of Passion, several volumes of that- ‘Construction of a Heart’, ‘Love and Tentacles’-”

“Wait, Love and Tentacles?” Mula paused for a moment, then her eyes widened. “That’s YOU? You’ve wrote that?!”

Stephen gulped, then continued. “Yes, that was me.” That worked?! I can’t believe that worked- roll with it! “It was one of my more inspired works, given there’s not a lot of reference materials for, ahem, such anatomy.”

Mula laughed excitedly, rubbing her hands vigorously. “Oh my, that’s one of my favorites! It really helped open up a ton of new possibilities. Unfortunately, they don’t really make manuals for, well, people like him.” She cast a look at ‘Darling’, holding up the tentacle in her hand.

But- but I made it up- I haven’t even- Stephen swallowed, trying to dispel his thoughts of  “Well, ahem, I’m glad it was useful, at least.” Nearby, Stephen could hear Usagi dry heaving behind him. You would think with a deadly appendage holding him hostage, he would learn to be a little bit more polite… “Anyway, I’ll take responsibility for him, just please let him go!”

Mula thought for a moment, pursing her gold-colored lips pensively. “Well. For a favorite author… I suppose I can let him off the hook. Darling, let him go…” A worried-sounding grunt escaped the dark void from the inside of the stall. “Oh, please, I’ll be fine. That little thief doesn’t look like he could take me, in a fight or otherwise, anyway- and especially not you.”

With a gurgle, the tentacle abruptly dropped Usagi, roughly dumping him on the ground, before grabbing the various objects he’d dropped. Then, it slunk back inside the shutter and slammed it shut. “Although, doll, you should probably buy something. He doesn’t like window shoppers.”

Usagi got to his feet, cussing under his breath. “Hey, those were mine! That’s not fair!”

Mula shot a mean glare at the annoyed harengon. “Consider it a tax for attempting to rob him. You’re lucky he didn’t break something.” Turning back to Stephen, she returned to a warm smile. “And, sorry about earlier- I’ll have to respectfully decline any offer you make. I’m married, obviously.”

Stephen could feel all the confidence evaporating from his body. Again?! How does this keep happening?! “You- you didn’t have a ring, how was I supposed to know-”

Mula patted him on the shoulder reassuringly. “Doll, it’s called marketing, don’t take it personally. Fortunately, while I am a taken lady, I know plenty of others who aren’t, if you’d be interested in getting a foot through the door.”

Before he could let thoughts of decorum and nobility stop him, Stephen’s mouth was moving faster than his head. “Yes, um, that would be lovely! Yes.”

Mula giggled at his clear nervousness. “Adorable. Sooooo, hm, who would be a good fit… oh, her. Darling? Can you get me that business card? The one for the, ahem, house of ill repute?” Another gurgle, and the red tentacle came out holding a small business card. Mula grabbed it, then frowned. “No, not Hoofers, that’s the one for the restaurant with scantily clad minotaurs. Sorry, darling, should have been more specific- it’s the one for the bordello, where some of the other succubi work?”

After another grumble and the sound of a few things getting knocked over, the tentacle produced another business card, this one bright red. “Thank you, darling.” Mula planted a quick peck on the tendril, making it shake a little bit, before it retreated back into the stall, sliding shut. “This is the address of the Crimson Lamp. Go here, ask for Trixie. I’ve heard she’s still single. If you can get in the door, she’d probably be interested in at least one date… you’d probably have to pay for it, though.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.” Stephen said nervously, sliding the card into his pocket. He would look at it later. “Ahem. Usagi, perhaps we should get going, and not accost this fine businesswoman any further?”

“Fine.” The harengon grumbled, desperate to leave and get back to a nice, quiet night watch. He got to his feet and brushed himself off- and Stephen could practically feel the distaste and humiliation radiating off of him.

Usagi could feel a lump forming on the side of his head where the aberration known as ‘Darling’ had smacked him. Egh. That’s going to be sore tomorrow. Thankfully, everybody else in the vehicle was still fast asleep, the commotion nearby having down nothing to rouse them. Thank you, Lady Luck, I suppose that’s a small mercy.

“So. What have we learned?” Stephen said, with a small air of smugness.

Oh, not this routine. Usagi rolled his eyes. “Check the security of a shop before attempting to rob it.” He prayed that Stephen wasn’t going to prod him over and over to get him to say something specific, that would drive him mad.

The posh author sighed. “...close enough, I suppose. I need some actual sleep, that is enough excitement for one night.” He was carrying his purchase- that abominable figurine- with him. Looking at it made Usagi want to retch.

“Take advantage of the luxury.” Usagi muttered. “If anyone asks about that lump, I tripped and hit my head.”

Stephen yawned. “Very well. As long as you try to keep your sticky fingers under control in the future, please. Or at least stick to robbing less reputable folk.”

Before Usagi could respond to that request, Stephen had already drifted off back to sleep. Usagi considered what had happened this night, and ideas began brewing in his head. Pretentiousness aside, he does have a way with words. Perhaps I could… persuade him to help me with some future heist… Assuming it doesn’t trample on his morals, of course.

With that, Usagi settled back into his night watch post, hoping nothing else would come along to wake up the rest.

A few days earlier, in Koboldia…

Fuku was having a very pleasant dream, the contents of which was quite familiar to her. “Mmmggh, fluffy buns… so soft- AAGH!” A thunderous crash echoed throughout the Lucky Catbox’s interior.

She’d fallen out of bed. Again. And ruined the nice dream she was having. AGAIN. “Ohhhh, man, it was just about to get to the good part…” Fuku groaned, staggering to her feet from the floor and rubbing her sore backside. Unfortunately, the bed inside the Catbox was a bit too small for her… generous frame, and falling off happened quite frequently.

She could hear the bell on the counter dinging loudly. Either it was a customer, or it could have been Khan- he’d learned that he could use that to get her attention when he wanted food, scratches, or just to distract her from her important thoughts.

“Uuugh, I’m coming.” Fuku tried to shake off the headache that waking up this early often conferred, raising open the shutter in a hurry. Expecting to see the big cat staring at her, instead he was busy lounging around beside the cart as usual.

He’d pulled a ring and dash. A common occurrence, and one that she wished he hadn’t learned how to do. And she hadn’t managed to catch him yet, because she couldn’t get to the window fast enough. One day, that game of cat and mouse would end, but it would not be today. “I’m gonna catch you doing that one of these days, just you wait, you big baby.” Fuku muttered, fuming at her lost naps.

Wait… I feel like I’m forgetting something. Wasn’t there a reason I was parked here-

Fuku suddenly remembered, and she looked around frantically. Her worst fear had come to pass. Namely, a certain harengon was not present. “DID HE LEAVE ALREADY?!” Fuku screeched. I moved the cart directly in front of the inn he was staying at so I could see him at least one more time before he left, and now I’ve blown it by oversleeping! “Ohhhhh, darn it.” Fuku groaned. “Okay, focus, there’s a way I could catch up…”

“Excuse meeee!” Fuku slammed open the door to the inn with a bang, making the pink kobold manning the desk fall out of her chair. The name placard, which read “Kimber”, followed her down to the stone floor. “Did you see a short, cute rabbit leave here?!”

“What- I- a rabbit? If you’re looking for the big party that was just here, they left hours ago…” Kimber clambered to her desk, hastily adjusting her glasses.

“Did they say where they were going?!” Fuku slammed her paws on the desk.

Kimber shook her head. “No, they were in a big hurry.” Fuku’s heart sank. Ohhhh, no! Now I have to find him again, that’s going to be a real pain in the tail-

Fuku’s eyes darted to the floor, where a telltale ball of white fluff lay. She quickly snatched it up before anyone else could, and ran back outside as fast as her pudgy legs could carry her.

“Oh, Khan…” Fuku said, in a sing-songy voice. “Mama needs your big nose again…”

Khan could not speak, but he had the blank expression of someone that was very unimpressed.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that!” Fuku scolded. “This is VERY important.” She pulled out the bit of fluff that Usagi had left behind. “C’mere, I need you to help figure out where my little bunny went.” Khan turned away, shifting his weight slightly, and started dozing off again. He didn’t even turn to look at her.

Fuku sighed in exasperation. She was used to this. Sometimes Khan could be the laziest creature she ever knew, which was impressive considering most of her job consisted of sitting on her behind and not moving. Thankfully, she knew exactly how to handle him.

“Aaaaah, fine. You big baby. I know what’ll work. Give me a minute…” Going back to rummage through her icebox, she pulled out a fat steak she’d bought a few days ago. She didn’t really eat those, she was more of a fish tabaxi. But she knew Khan adored it.

“I’ve got this for yoooouuuu… and you’ll get ALL of it if you help me find what I’m looking for.” She waved it tantalizingly in front of Khan- most people would balk at taunting a huge animal like him with food, but she knew that the big kitty wouldn’t hurt her. He stood up, eyeing the succulent morsel, his head moving back and forth to follow its dangling motion, and licking his chops.

“Good kitty. Now, use that good nose of yours.” She held out the bit of fluff.

Khan looked at her expectantly- or, more accurately, at the food. Fuku couldn’t resist those adorable eyes for very long- it was a weakness. “Ugh! Fine, you’ll get it now. But you’d BETTER find that rabbit, or you won’t get any scratches for a week!” She laid the meat down at his feet, and it was gone in almost an instant. He padded over to the harness attached to the Lucky Catbox, ready for the upcoming journey.

As Fuku hooked him up to it, only one thought was on her mind. One that had been whirling through her head since she’d met the diminutive charmer a few years ago.

I’m not gonna let you get away so easily this time! Wait for me, my sweet fluffybuns!

Author's Note: Got a new one out, one ahead of the weekly posting deadline!
The whacky side character couples continue. Expect a chapter featuring this one in the near future.
On an exciting note, here's art of Celeste from @Dragon_Tamer8 on Twitter, completing the main party! She looks so good, give him a follow!!

Chapter Text

Dragons are often said to be unapproachable- this is not necessarily true. It merely requires the right method to do so.

Chromatic dragons tend to be much more chaotic and selfish. Metallic dragons, on the other hand, tend to skew towards the lawful side of things. Trying to gauge the specifics of one’s personality solely based on the type is a big mistake. Though there are common trends, they are as varied as anything else.

However, even the most vile of them can be persuaded not to devour you if you choose the right words. Whether you will be allowed to leave, or some worse fate will befall you, is entirely up to the individual, for not all dragons are created equal.

The most common ways to deal with a dragon are simple.

-Appeal to ego. Even if the one you’ve encountered is a sort that doesn’t care about formalities and titles, you don’t want to make that gamble.

-If you seek to make a deal with them, come prepared to bargain hard. Even the good dragons would need a strong impetus to engage in any sort of deal with a stranger. Whether they ask for a specific item, or accomplishing some sort of test, dragons rarely supply anything for free.

-Contrary to popular belief, a fair number of dragons are not any more opposed to entering a relationship with a ‘lesser being’ than they would with one of their peers. For the rare folk who seek to seduce one- come bearing gifts, sweet words, or failing that, hope you are exceptional enough in some way for a spark of interest to form.

-Above all else, have courage. If you approach something of their majesty with no fear, it is far easier to speak to them as an equal in spirit, if not physically. At least one long-lasting kingdom has formed from a fearless royal whose ego matched that of the dragon they tried to court.

-The Draconomicon

Spacey had woken up bright and early, as usual, and there was nothing to do.

As an artificial being, when she went into sleep mode, it was set to last exactly eight hours. After that, she would wake up, refreshed and good as new! Unfortunately, not everyone could be as gloriously efficient as herself.

In the meantime, however, Spacey was bored. She’d already managed to finish the book she had on hand, and until they got to the next town, she’d be fresh out of interesting literature. 

She looked around. Usagi was fast asleep after having to do several watch shifts in a row, and everyone else was either sleeping off the alcohol they’d picked up, or was too tired to do much of anything.

Sulvan was the only other person awake, and he wasn’t much for conversation. Half the time he just responded with less than four words. The other half he responded with one. I get being professional, but this is ridiculous! But, for the lack of any other options, she figured she’d try anyway. Carefully stepping over the limbs of her party members, she made her way to the front of the vehicle. “Sooo, Sulvan, do you have anyone waiting for you back in the desert?”

“No.” He kept plodding along, his concentration on the road ahead totally unbroken.

Oh, come on, man, work with me here! “Really? You gotta have SOMEBODY. Family, friends… lovers? Anybody?”

“That’s none of your business.” He muttered. Spacey rolled her eyes. Ugh, what a buzzkill.

“Fine, be that way, I suppose…” Spacey retreated back to the transport’s interior, newly refreshed with a dose of deafening silence.

Guuuh, it’s SO BORING HERE. There’s nothing interesting happening for MILES, and I can’t talk to anyone to pass the time! She tried to tell herself that at least she’d be able to spot incoming threats, but that didn’t do much to abate her ennui.

As Spacey scanned the nearby fields, she saw a cave nearby- the first thing that wasn’t a tree in a while. A few things were scattered around it- a few signs with writing she couldn’t read from this distance, pointed rocks arranged to resemble fangs protruding from the ground, and part of the grass around the cave entrance was burned away in a neat semicircle, as if something had melted it. Spacey had enough experience to recognize them- the telltale signs of a dragon’s residence. The rocks were arranged with too much purpose to be anything else- and dragons often had displays of their breath weapon around their lairs to keep less courageous folk out.

Spacey thought back to the sign she’d picked up from Governor Seozay, advertising the affections of a desperate draconic bachelor. Waaaaait… that couldn’t be it, if he’s so desperate you’d think his lair would be more welcoming… but I have to know! “WAIT, STOP THE CART!!” She hollered to Sulvan, making him abruptly stop moving.

“What is it now?” He said, in his usual disinterested monotone.

Spacey hurriedly exited the vehicle, trying to clank as little as possible. “Uh, there’s an important cave I need to investigate. I’ll be RIGHT back, so don’t leave without me-”

“What the FUCK are you going on about?!” Arandia groaned, stopping Spacey in her tracks with her rough voice. “And why the hell are you so loud?! I’m trying to SLEEP.” Thankfully, none of the others had been roused yet, despite the racket. If Spacey had woken up Rex or Celeste, her plan would be totally ruined. Arandia, as much as Spacey didn’t like her, seemed like the type to leave her alone if the right excuse was supplied.

“Sssh! I, uh…” Think, Spacey! She’s a merc, what do mercs constantly run off to do? “Uh, well, I saw this cave nearby, figured I should investigate to see if there’s anything useful inside.”

“Really.” Arandia glowered at her, the withering gaze of her four red eyes boring into her.

“Well, we should try and get any extra supplies we can, yes? Don’t worry, it’ll be real quick, so you can go back to sleep.” Come on, please work. I don’t want to have to explain this to YOU of all people, it’d be so embarrassing.

Arandia, unfortunately, was not the type to believe her lame excuse so readily. “There’s no way in hell that’s the only reason, not with how flighty you can be. I heard about you trying to fuck the governor’s son, are we in for another-”

“THAT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING!!” Spacey snapped, before pulling herself together. Focus, Spacey, you won’t get to attempt this at all if you make all your allies hate you. “Fine. I learned that there is a dragon looking for, ahem, companionship in the area and figured it’d be worth looking into. You know, having dragons on our side is a good thing, they might give us favors, useful items…” And love, of course. But Spacey didn’t feel the need to mention that last part.

After a long pause, Arandia’s glare softened slightly. “...mmph. Fine.” Arandia grunted, before she started clambering out of the cart. “But I’M coming with you, to make sure you don’t get us into any SHIT, you hear me?”

What? You?! No! You’ll wreck any flirting I try with that filthy mouth of yours! The surly drider did have a point though. No matter how confident she was, dragons could be unpredictable. And if it went badly, it would be good to have backup…

“Fine. But I’m the one who’ll do the talking, here! I don’t trust YOU to properly get on a dragon’s good side.” Spacey rushed off in a hurry.

“Sulvan, watch the cart, if any of the others wake up, please tell them that it’s HER fault.” Arandia said in a resigned tone, before walking off. 

“Fine.” Sulvan responded, his face not betraying a hint of his feelings. The drider followed behind Spacey as she approached the cave- and Spacey desperately hoped that this wouldn’t ruin her chances.

As Spacey and Arandia approached the half-melted, half-burned soil at the entrance, Arandia had a hangover worse than a platoon of sailors after shore leave- and she did not appreciate having to accompany this metal moron. She was busy going on about how her ultimate goal in life was to be the jewel of a dragon’s hoard, and Arandia was desperate for anything that would drive the conversation away from this. Fuck’s sake, what do I ask her about… if she’s gonna blather constantly, at least it can be about something that doesn’t make me want to gouge my eyes out!

Desperate to come up with something, the metal buttons on Spacey’s face caught her eye- all arranged in a row before the flat crystal of her ‘face’. Better this than hearing any more about being a literal trophy wife.

“You know, I’ve been meaning to ask, what the fuck do these buttons do, anyway?”

“I’m glad you asked!” Spacey gestured to the various metal bits and bobs below her face. “These are for bringing up a bunch of stuff that nobody I know can read, so they’re pretty useless. This one just changes up the lighting.” Demonstrating, she pressed it, and the glass panel on her chest lit up in a pale blue. “Great for aesthetics, but doesn’t actually do anything. This one turns on sleep mode… Real nice, to be able to just fall asleep at the flick of a switch.”

“Yeah, you’re pretty fucking lucky to have that power.” Arandia sulked, only half-interested in what Spacey was talking about. “I just have to use beer to fix that problem.”

Spacey continued, completely ignoring the drider in the midst of her lecture. “Those make me louder and softer…” Arandia rolled her eyes. Oh, please, we don’t need you to be any louder.

“This one right here mutes my voice, though I’m not sure why that one’s there.” Oh, good, now I know the way to shut you up if you keep yapping like this.

As they got closer, there was a sign outside the cave entrance, which read in crude lettering “This is the lair of DANTOLARDINN, Master of Revelry! If you wish to partake in drunken merriment and other such pleasures, enter! If not, you had best leave.”

“That’s not much of a title.” Arandia pointed out. “Clearly this guy hasn’t done much…”

Spacey whirled around to Arandia, gesturing wildly at the sign. “Don’t you understand?! This could be it! This could be the answer to all my prayers, being snatched up by the big, scaly arms of a devoted-” Spacey gushed. Every word out of her mouth felt like a spike being driven into Arandia’s skull, and she reached over to hit the mute button on her cube-shaped head. It was a solid thirty seconds before Spacey realized that she’d been gagged, and pressed the button again.

“How rude!! Clearly nobody ever taught YOU any manners, miss big, hairy, and-” Arandia poked her button again, granting her another brief respite before the shrill voice came back.

“Ohhh, I wish I hadn’t told you about that. Anyway, I’m going in!! A potential bachelor is waiting inside! I must be the princess who takes the initiative, and does not wait for Prince Charming to come to her!” Spacey rushed off into the dim cave, clanking loudly with every step.

“Fucking hell.” Arandia groaned. She knew she had better follow the pink bitch inside, lest she get herself killed- she’d definitely get an earful from Rex about that. No matter how amusing his ranting could be, hearing it too much would give her a migraine.

Besides, Rex seemed to think of her as the most competent of the group, and Arandia certainly didn’t want that impression to be dragged through the mud. She liked feeling useful for a change. Between Stephen and her, I’m starting to remember why I don’t like nobles. Why can’t they be like Rex? At least HE isn’t a blithering idiot and actually has a PLAN.

While the interior of the cave was thankfully unoccupied, it was getting increasingly dark inside as the two progressed- a fact that Arandia did not appreciate, especially with the unholy racket Spacey made with every step. She just prayed that the construct’s clanking wouldn’t wake up the cave’s resident- or worse, make him mad.

“You don’t have a light or something built into that body of yours?” Arandia muttered, as she nearly stepped on a sharp rock. “That’d be really useful right about now…”

“No, but that is a good idea. I’ll have to consider that for later.” Spacey said. As the two walked in silence for a few seconds, Arandia figured she’d ask the question that’d been on her mind the entire time.

“Why the fuck do you want a dragon so bad, anyway? There’s probably way better options, ones that can’t kill you with one move.”

Spacey shrugged. “Oh, plenty of reasons. They’re providers, they’re relentlessly devoted, strong enough to defend you from any possible threat… really, they’re the ideal that a lot of bachelors should strive for.”

Yeah… not from what I’ve heard about them. “Don’t they get real anal about not letting their hoard leave their sight? If that includes you-”

“Eh, that depends on the dragon, really- OH, THERE HE IS!” Spacey ran off into a large room up ahead- the objective she was looking for was within striking distance. She was practically chomping at the bit- all Arandia could do was just shake her head and hope to the gods that this wouldn’t end poorly.

The room was full of clutter- typical of a dragon’s hoard. Piles of coins and jewels were strewn everywhere, but a few more interesting things grabbed Arandia’s attention. Like the large kegs of alcohol scattered about the place. She couldn’t tell whether they were empty or not- but they were certainly large.

More obvious, however, were the piles of… interesting literature. Back issues of the Sassy Satyr, going back to the very start… in surprisingly good condition, too. Gaius, that’s a lot of ‘em. He must’ve been subscribed for decades.

The most obvious thing, however, was in the center of the room. Before them lay a large copper dragon, facing towards them. His ridged, coppery scales were extremely smooth and shiny- clearly, he hadn’t gotten into many fights. A magenta blanket was draped over his hindquarters, and his limbs were splayed out every which way as he dozed. He definitely wasn’t as large as the Governor, more resembling the size of the cart they came here in. He was also fast asleep, his snoring sounding like a saw through lumber.

This must be Dantol, huh? Some master of revelry… he looks dead to the world.

Arandia’s eyes were drawn to another part of his body. Something twitched from beneath the blanket… not enough to take to be obvious, but enough for Arandia to put two and two together. Oh. Oh, for gods- oh, fuckin’ hell, man, really? She didn’t know what to expect, given that dragons didn’t wear clothes, but this was a new one for her.

“Huh. He’s a bit smaller than I thought he’d be.” Spacey muttered, appearing completely unperturbed.

Arandia looked at her incredulously, struggling not to give away how odd she thought that statement was. What? What the fuck do you mean small- oh. She’s talking about the rest of him. Hopefully. Right, not everyone’s mind is in the gutter. And you’re a construct, you wouldn’t get it. Spacey carefully stepped over a fallen keg of ale to get a little closer to the sleeping dragon, with absolutely no fear- much to Arandia’s shock.

“Why the- why the fuck are you getting so close?!” Arandia growled, grabbed Spacey’s arm to  yank her back from the sleeping creature. Even if this construct was suicidally stupid, she wasn’t about to let her own life get cut short by her antics. “Don’t touch him, you idiot!! What if he wakes up and fucking bites your hand off?!” She whispered angrily.

“I wasn’t going to!!” Spacey frantically moved her hand behind her back, her guilty-sounding tone betraying her true intentions. “His scales look really smooth, though… and besides, dragons don’t eat metal!”

“That’s not the POINT.” Arandia hissed. “What if you startle the bastard and he smacks you across the room?!”

Spacey rolled the projections of eyes on her flat face. “Please. I grew up in the luxury of a royal family of them! I think I know a little bit more about them than YOU.” While Spacey may have been correct as to her lack of knowledge concerning dragons, her rude tone made Arandia want to punch her in the face anyway.

“Yeah. Royal luxury. Rub it in my face, why don’t you, I had to eat fucking trash every day for years.” Arandia spat. “Maybe you should get off your high horse before you fall off it instead.”

“You- why don’t you come over here and say that!” In a fit of annoyance, Spacey stomped her foot- which, given her metallic body, made a loud clank. Despite Arandia’s prayers, it was loud enough to rouse the copper dragon from his slumber, and his snoring stopped. Oh, for- what the FUCK have you gotten me into?! Arandia swore to herself that if she got out of this, she was never going with Spacey anywhere again.

The dragon yawned, slowly opening his eyes. He hadn’t moved yet, but Arandia couldn’t think of anything to say. Thankfully, or not, Spacey was instantly on the ball to distract his attention away from Arandia, who was now sweating bullets. "Hey big guy… those are some nice scales, I don't suppose you need some polishing?"

Arandia couldn’t believe what she’d just heard. This is it. This is how I die. By being an accessory to the worst fucking lines i've ever heard in my life. Fuck’s sake.

The dragon yawned again, blinking a couple of times, before leaning in closer to her, close enough that Spacey could touch him. Thankfully, she didn’t, but it really didn’t help Arandia’s hopes for their survival.

After all of Spacey’s mental rehearsals for scenes like this, the fact that all Dantol could say in response to Spacey’s opening line was a simple “...what?”, didn’t bring her much confidence. Okay, he’s just woken up, perhaps he didn’t hear me correctly. Let’s try this again.

“Uh, I asked if your scales needed polishing-”

“Oh, no, I heard you the first time. I’m just a little… confused.” The dragon slowly rolled over on his stomach, his large head aimed squarely at the pink construct. “You wouldn’t happen to be one of those Empire goons, would you? They come here on occasion trying to confiscate some of my hoard- a quick puff of acid usually gets them running off, though.”

Even though he seemed quite relaxed, the rumbling of his voice was still intimidating enough to make Spacey doubt herself for a moment.

“No! No, no, definitely not! The Empire sucks!” Spacey stammered, frantically trying to regain her composure- this had not gone how she was expecting it to at all. Fine, the seductive approach didn’t work, perhaps the direct approach will work better. “The- the signs! There was a sign advertising a hot single dragon in the area.” She frantically said, only realizing too late how awful and desperate that sounded, but she powered on anyway.

I should try speaking Draconic, that might get me a few bonus points. She lapsed into the growling, angry-sounding language of dragons- something she’d been taught since being accepted into her family. Half the time it was useless, since common language was so much easier- but she’d never been happier to be able to use it. “I figured it’d be you, as you were pretty close to the place where it was dropped. So… is that offer still open?”

Dantol paused, tilting his head like a confused dog, then chuckled. “Oh dear. This will be rather embarrassing, but I didn’t make those. I’m not THAT desperate.” At that moment, all of Spacey’s confidence came crashing down… again.

Loud, frustrated yelling, came from behind her- Arandia could no longer hold in her anger at this situation. “WHAT?! You- you drag me all the way in here and it’s the WRONG DRAGON?! Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!”

Dantol burst out laughing, his voice echoing through the cave tunnels. "Ha! Oh, oh, I’m so sorry, that’s just- you're not even the first one to make that mistake, but it never gets old!"

“Oh.” Spacey said dejectedly- no longer speaking Draconic, as there was no point anymore. “You- you wouldn’t still happen to be-”

Dantol struggled to stop the fit of laughter that had come over him. “Apologies, no. Sorry, lady, I’m more into folks that are… well, there’s no easy way to say this, a bit softer. More organic. Constructs aren’t really in my wheelhouse.”

“Oh.” Spacey slumped over. That was understandable, of course- but it was still a bit painful. …that’s what I get for getting my hopes up, I suppose. Should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy.

Dantol leaned over, grinning toothily. “Listen, don’t get down on yourself too much. I have to admire your moxie. Rare is the person that waltzes directly into a dragon’s lair with no fear, and even rare is the one that does it to try and seduce one- that takes a will of steel to even consider.”

“Well, technically, I’m made of hihiro’kane…” Spacey muttered.

Dantol chuckled at the remark. “Heh. Anyway… You seem several steps above the average warforged… hihiro’kane, you say? Never seen that before. And you know our language, that’s impressive. Most humanoids who try sound like wild animals, or they end up spewing grievous insults. I heard a story about a diplomat who tried to meet with a red dragon, only to call her a lizard by mistake- quite a scandal!”

Dantol thought for a moment, drumming his claws on the ground, before a mischievous grin crossed his face. “Hm. I think I can help you out a bit, since you came all this way. I know a guy who’d be all over you, probably.”

Spacey perked up. “Wait, so does that mean?” Could it be?! Could I actually succeed?! Could the third time be the charm??

Spacey could hear Arandia groaning behind her- but she didn’t care. It was progress! And that was something to be excited about.

The copper dragon idly waved his tail a bit. “You see, there’s a friend of mine, Vergal- a brass dragon. He’s pretty much twice my size, got these thick, ugly glasses… and, more importantly for you, he’s always banging away at some machine or another.”

A brief pause ensued, during which Arandia let out a loud belly laugh- that Spacey ignored.

“Oops. Not like that, sorry.” Dantol coughed. “If anyone can appreciate the value of a piece of magitech, it’s him. Anyway, he’s one of the biggest eggheads I’ve ever seen. And he LOVES to talk- if you get him rambling about his hobbies, you’ll have his full attention immediately.”

Every word Dantol said lifted Spacey’s spirits a little more. “He sounds PERFECT!! Where can I find him!?”

“He lives over in the nearby mountain pass to the west, in a big cave marked by a bunch of metal junk he cobbled together into an arch. You can’t miss it.”

“What kind of junk?” Spacey queried.

Dantol briefly snorted, as if trying not to laugh, before containing himself and continuing. “Hah, junk. Ahem. Gods if I know. I think he can’t bear to throw it away even if it’s useless, so he melts it into art, or something.

But anyway, he’s ALSO the one who dropped those signs all around. He was whining to me one drunken night about how he was lonely and wanted a mate, and I got so sick of it that I told him he needed to put himself out there. Advertise! After all, I put out a personal ad in the Lonely Hearts section of the Sassy Satyr every month.”

Spacey tilted her head in confusion. “Does- does that work?”

Dantol shrugged. “Not particularly. Even with all the degenerates who write into that publication, somebody like me is too intimidating for most. But at least it’s something. Anyway, after I told him that, he drew a bunch of signs advertising HIS availability, and dropped them all around the area. Unfortunately, he forgot to write where his cave was… which meant the few people looking for him went to ME instead.” Dantol sighed. “Not that I didn’t mind the attention, but as you can imagine, the whole mess really put his self-esteem in the gutter. And I’ve told him that his location, remote as it is, really doesn’t allow for a lot of potential passers-by."

“But- but you’re saying he might actually give me the time of day?!” Spacey said, her words coming out faster with every sentence.

Dantol shifted his weight a bit, chuckling. “Given how often he calls me to tell me about a new machine he’s found, I’d be shocked if he didn’t.”

“Oh, I can’t thank you enough for this!!” Spacey blurted.

“Don’t mention it. Though, if it DOES work out, perhaps you could do me a little favor?” Dantol leaned in close to Spacey, whispering into her ear in draconic language. Spacey was expecting this- dragons never gave anything away for free- even a small piece of advice warranted information of a similar value in return.

“What would you ask in return, then?” Spacey hoped it was something she could actually grant, and not, like, her arm or something- which would be pretty valuable all by itself, but she needed it!

“If you meet anybody who might be a good fit for me… send ‘em my way, yeah? Could always use a foot in the door, especially since I don’t make trips outside that often.”

What little worry Spacey had evaporated. That’s it? That’s easy! Phew, I was worried it’d be something terrible. I know dragons don’t ask for people’s souls, but still… playing matchmaker ain’t so bad. Spacey leaned in a little closer- it wasn’t like Arandia could understand Draconic, but she whispered anyway. “...any specifics?”

“Oh, they just gotta know how to have a good time, is all- real party animals. Oh, and not spending the entire time shivering in fear of dragons, also. Being a bit tall would also help. Other than that, I’m not picky.”

Spacey looked at the piles of magazines with scantily clad women on the floor, and nodded. “I think I can do that.” Okay, yeah, I get the idea of what he’s going for, probably.

“Good!” Dantol grinned. “If you DO meet anybody… give ‘em one of these.” He turned around, rooted through a pile of junk on the floor behind him, and pulled out two sending stones. “They’re halves of a set. I’ve got the corresponding ones around here somewhere. That way, if you find any takers, actually meeting will be much easier.”

“Thank you very much for the generous advice, Dantollardin, it is most appreciated.” Spacey did her best curtsy, practiced over years of imitating her fairy tales. She knew dragons LOVED to be referred to by their full names. “Also, I’ve been wondering this whole time- out of curiosity, what do you have under that blanket-”

“Aaaaaaand that’s enough of that.” Arandia jabbed at the mute button on Spacey’s face before she could finish that sentence. “Thanks for not eating us alive, we’re going now. Bye!”

“Don’t mention it, this is the most entertainment I’ve had in weeks!” Dantol laughed heartily.

Without another word, Arandia grabbed Spacey by the arm and dragged her back to the cave entrance, before she could get embroiled in a very awkward conversation.

Arandia was hauling Spacey back outside the cave, desperate to not put them- mostly herself- in any more danger, before finally releasing her once they were clear of the dragon’s reach. Thankfully, she was quiet for a change thanks to the mute button- though not for long.

“What the heck was that for?!” Spacey snapped, once she finally managed to press the button to get her speech back. “It was an innocent question!”

Oh, if only you knew. “No, it fucking wasn’t.” Arandia said, exhaustedly.

Spacey dusted herself off, glaring at the drider. “Well then, what DOES it mean, miss smarty-legs?”

The fuck kind of insult is that? “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” Arandia finally let her go, and started walking back to the cart, hoping to get back the rest that she’d just lost- but Spacey’s ranting refused to allow her a moment’s peace.

“I have been dated back to before year zero! I am SEVERAL times older than you!” Spacey huffed. “Granted, I only woke up around thirty years ago, so…”

“Yeah, I’m still older than you. This conversation’s over.” Arandia sighed. If Spacey wanted to know more about what kind of heat dragons were packing, she could ask Rex. Wait, no, if she asked him that he’d probably explode. She should ask Stephen instead… wait, no, he’s not a trustable source, either. No, she should just not ask anybody. That’d be better for all of our sanity. “What the fuck did he ask you to do, anyway?” Arandia said. “He seemed a little skeevy…”

Spacey giggled. “Oh, just a simple matchmaking endeavor. Nothing you need to worry about.”

Arandia could tell she was omitting some choice details, but quite frankly she couldn’t care less. This whole excursion had made her want to puke for how pointless and potentially deadly it was. “Fine. But the next time you go off to try to bag some dragon, get somebody else to go with you. If somebody ever flirts with me like that, I’m gonna put my fucking fist through their head.”

Spacey huffed indignantly. “I bet you’re just saying that because nobody’s ever flirted with YOU before.”

Arandia growled irritatedly. “First, you don’t know that. Second, fuck you.”

The arguing and sniping continued until they made it back, glaring daggers at each other. Sulvan didn’t even ask what happened in there- which was for the best, because if Arandia had to explain it, she would rather drink sewage water. Spacey seemed far happier now that she had a lead as to her dream man, giggling like a schoolgirl- Arandia immediately settled back into her spot and tried to get back to sleep.

Romance, huh? Never had time for it, seems like a waste of effort… especially when there’s a good chance they’ll kick the bucket immediately after… Whatever.

Bard was not having a good day.

He had arrived in Koboldia after a bit of a delay, only to find out that the miscreants he’d been pursuing- the disgraced prince, Rex Malum, and the heretic Celeste- were long gone, along with all the other criminals they’d picked up along the way. Every single one of the populace he’d interviewed didn’t have much to say about them- some were downright unhelpful, refusing to talk to him at all. He was outside of the Empire’s borders now, so it was a fact of life that some people would reject him on principle. Still, you would think they’d be interested in capturing a dangerous criminal…

And to top it off, a stray wave had completely messed up his long, blond hair. The cherry on top of a most unproductive day.

Georgina, his trusty companion, approached him, her demeanor as nervous as ever. “Master, I’ve looked all over- they’re nowhere to be seen in the immediate area.”

Her top half was that of a toned, pale woman with long, blond hair tied back in a ponytail. She was currently without her helmet- she hated to wear it, since her long, horse-like ears had to be crammed inside.

Georgina’s bottom half was that of a cream-colored, medium-sized horse- thoroughly average in build, and covered in metal armor and a long skirt, her large metal staff hung over her back. Her tail was quite long, but when in battle it tended to be kept in a simple braid- less likely for it to get caught on something that way.

Even though she wasn’t that large for a centaur- or most horses that knights used, for that matter- she still towered over him. But with her nervous disposition, she tended to feel much smaller to Bard. It was a work in progress- knights needed to have courage, and he could tell she had potential. After all, she’d knocked out that Rex fellow almost instantly before he could even react, the second he was in danger. Her speed was one of her greatest assets.

“Unfortunate, but not unexpected.” Bard sighed. “Any luck in determining their whereabouts?”

Georgina looked down, a little nervous. “Well, I located some cart tracks heading west… but nothing else.”

Bard put his hand on his chin, pondering heavily. “Hm. We should investigate those as soon as possible, lest the weather or some other animal get rid of them.” Looking at Georgina, he could tell she wasn’t in peak condition- a fair bit more wobbly than usual. He moved over to her side, taking her hand. “Are you feeling all right? I know the voyage here was fairly bumpy…”

“Oop… Sorry, I’m still a little unsteady…” Georgina gulped, looking a little green. Like most centaurs, she didn’t do too well on boats, being seasick near-constantly. If it wasn’t for Bard’s constant vigilance, she may have fallen further ill, and he couldn’t have his trusted subordinate in anything less than peak condition- especially when dealing with madmen like the ones they were chasing! And this voyage had been particularly stressful for her- she had requested his presence near-constantly, even when she seemed to be improving. “Anway,” Georgina said. “I talked to the innkeeper, and she said that the party already left.”

“Curses!” Bard muttered. “These are crafty fugitives indeed. We must move out posthaste to not lose their trail!”

“You don’t think we could take a little break?” Georgina said softly. “We did just get off the boat a few hours ago, a day’s rest is surely in order.”

“Argh, but we must catch these lawbreakers before they can continue their spread of chaos elsewhere!” Bard proclaimed. “In my interviews with the populace, I’ve learned that they caused drunken disorder and attempted to seduce the son of a governor to their evil ways!”

“Well… if I may, the problem is, there’s only two of us, and seven of them according to reports. Maybe we should try and get some allies to even the odds a bit?” Georgina said nervously.
Bard thought for a minute. “You are correct as always. I suppose a bit of rest could do us good- perhaps other officers of the Empire will follow in our footsteps, and we can join forces. We should make camp outside of town, and leave in the morning.”

Georgina smiled warmly. “Thank you, master.”

As Bard climbed onto her back to survey for an appropriate spot, he could have sworn he saw her blushing again. To centaurs, letting someone ride on their back was extremely demeaning, and was only allowed for people they trusted completely. Georgina claimed it was merely a rumor, but even so, it made Bard feel slightly awkward. Especially when she blushed like that. What would his superiors think if rumors got out about a tryst with a fellow knight? It would be most scandalous!

Author's Note: Wow, this took a hot minute. Almost missed my weekly posting deadline!
Here's some great art of Dantol from @Dragon_Tamer8 on twitter of Dantol!
Look forward to Spacey's continued draconic flirting attempts.

Chapter Text

In the year 333, the Shattering occurred. Demons and Devils, born from humanity’s negative impulses after the War of the Gods, began to overrun the world. And when the Archdemon rose, an icon for them to follow, all seemed lost. Even the gods could not overcome such an onslaught.

But not all infernal beings were on board with this fate. One demon and devil liked people, and did not wish to see them be playthings for the whims of a mad overlord. Thus began their quest to destroy the Archdemon, once and for all. Through much effort, they had convinced enough of their brethren that the Archdemon did not have their best interests at heart. With the help of the gods, the Archdemon was turned to stone, smashed to pieces, and scattered to the four winds.

The demon and devil who began the crusade and dealt the final blows were recognized by the gods themselves for their bravery, and promoted to godhood- Zarnath, the God of Chaos, and Amoria, the Goddess of Love.

Thanks to this, public standing of infernal beings improved significantly, and ones that were not an active threat to civilization at large were allowed to live in peace.

-The Secret History of Deities, Demons, and Devils 

Useless meetings, useless meetings… I really stuck my foot in it being so outspoken at the last one, now I HAVE to be here. The things I go through for my daughter…

Zarnath was annoyed. The unseen consequence to having his daughter be a part of the latest party to oppose the Empire? Now he HAD to attend all the godly council meetings, lest the other deities get some ideas about leaving her in the lurch.

And since half the pantheon had missed the previous one, someone had got it into their heads to hold a separate meeting for the other half. If he found out who, he would leave some slime under their pillow for wasting his time. The most noxious variety he could expel, as much of it as he could.

As Zarnath slunk into the cavernous throne room, he prayed that this meeting would be less painful. He didn’t know who he was praying to, being a god himself, but if some unknown higher presence happened to be listening, he would be much happier. Maybe even some vestige of the Creator? Hah.

The only one actually there was Mortimus, god of death and the Underworld. In his usual skeletal form, clad in a suit and top hat, he looked rather dapper- except for the fact that the lower you looked, the more rotted and moth-eaten his clothes were. He was never late to meetings- his thankless job of governing the afterlife demanded that he be punctual and economical with his time. Zarnath, however, thought that he was an absolute twit who was so busy working he couldn’t appreciate anything else. He really needs to get out more, try to find a nice ghost or something to brighten up his life a little. Anything’s better than sitting there judging souls all day…

“Well, this is a surprise. Zarnath, the god of chaos and breaking rules, actually arriving early to a meeting for a change.” Mortimus said in a raspy voice. His single fleshy eye regarded Zarnath with a mixture of curiosity and boredom. Yeah, I don’t want to be here either. But I gotta, just to make sure you chuckleheads don’t throw one of my only living relatives into a trash fire.

“Thanks, boney. You know, sometimes the most chaotic thing to do is to arrive before everybody else. You should try sleeping in sometime, it might help you look more alive.” Zarnath chuckled at his own joke.

Mortimus did not react at all to the provocation- he’d heard that nickname and similar jabs far too many times to get annoyed by them anymore. “At least refrain from putting something on anyone else’s throne this time. I am busy enough as it is, and would rather not spend more time than necessary-”

A door slammed open, cutting off the death god’s muttering. Amoria, goddess of love and Zarnath’s best friend, stormed out of her room in a huff. “I am OUTRAGED! This is a TRAVESTY!” Ah, and the most relatable goddess makes her entrance. At least she doesn’t try to hide her priorities.

In any other setting, she would have dominated the attention of everyone in the room- a tiefling with marble white skin, clad in nothing except red ribbons wrapped around her body in an artistic display. Her long black hair trailed behind her like a cascading waterfall- or at least it would, if she had bothered to tend to it today.

“There’s a perfect potential couple in this party, and NOBODY THOUGHT TO TELL ME?!” She screeched. It was fortunate that the central table was built into the floor, otherwise it would have definitely gone out the window by now. Amoria had a tendency to brutalize her furniture when spying on the romances of mortals- the pile of furniture at the base of Deus Mons was starting to gain attention as a tourist attraction. “Have you people SEEN that dragonborn?! He doesn’t know how GOOD he has it!”

Zarnath was used to her romantic ramblings- it came with her domain, after all. And her advice did work- she was the one who shoved him into confessing to the lovely old witch he was eyeing when he was just a lowly demon, after all. “Hey, lovebird. Having fun spying on the mortals’ private lives again?”

“Yes, very much. It’s just SO frustrating sometimes!” Amoria brushed some of her long hair out of her face, attempting to maintain some semblance of composure. “Hello, Zarnath, how’s the wife? Your anniversary is coming up, isn’t it?” Amoria said cheerily.

Zarnath shrugged, twiddling a few of his tentacles idly. “Yep. I need to come up with a surprise to spook her this year. But I don’t have any good ideas… At least, not any that she hasn’t seen already.”

Amoria rubbed her chin, thinking about what surprising method her best friend could use. Given the quotient of insanity in that relationship, it would require ideas that were quite out of her usual wheelhouse. With a god of chaos and the second most powerful witch in the world, she wouldn’t expect anything less- Zarnath romantically jumpscaring his wife was a common occurrence. “Did you finally get around to that idea of possessing her bed and dragging her under it?”

“That was last year. And she accidentally hit her head on the bed on the way down. Really put a damper on the mood.” Zarnath muttered, utterly stumped.
Amoria thought intensely. “Hm. What to do… could always take her on a date to the Astral Plane. If anyone could protect her from having her mind torn apart, it’d be you!”

“Now that’s a fun idea. I’ll have to keep that in mind-”

“ALL RIGHT, LETS GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD ALREADY!!” Zarnath groaned. Oh, great, it’s the master of bullshit himself. Can’t wait to have him pose like a centerfold for five minutes…

The pleasant conversation with one of the few gods Zarnath actually respected was completely derailed by the sudden entrance of Volkhar- god of strength and fire. “Why do you need me for this?! I was in the middle of bench-pressing a mountain, brother!” Volkhar groaned, in his usual level of ham.

Being a minotaur, he tended to act like a bull in a pottery shop- made worse by his sheer height, which towered over most of the other gods by multiple heads. His body was wreathed in flames, that got more intense when he was angry. Which, given his temperament, was rather often.

Somehow, he was the only deity more exposed than Amoria- he was clad in a simple loincloth and nothing else, showing off his reddish, hairy skin and the nasty-looking scar on his chest. And the only reason he wore that is because he got tired of the other deities complaining. You’d think since you’re a god, you could find some way to make that scar less prominent. But Zarnath knew where it came from- and knew not to bring it up. At least not until after the meeting was over and he could make a clean getaway. 

“Because, bullhead, the point of these meetings is to find out what the other gods think about things.” Zarnath snarked.

“HA! When you got the largest arms in the world like ME, you don’t NEED to think!” Volkhar sneered, flexing his considerable biceps. Zarnath was tempted to bring up all the times he’d tripped blindly into a prank or a trap, but he didn’t want this meeting to go on for another hour. Please, let the rest of the deities get here already.

Thankfully, Zarnath’s prayer was answered by Neptalia, goddess of the sea, creaking open the door to her room and hobbling in at leisurely pace. Ah, one of my biggest supporters enters the ring. Good.

“You’re precisely one minute late.” Mortimus muttered. “At least three people would have died in my absence and been added to the backlog…” Talk about a downer. Would it kill you to get outside once in a while?

“Oh, buzz off!” Neptalia croaked. “I was enjoying a nice nap, thank you very much.” Hobbling over to her throne, she hoisted herself in after a minute of grunting and other assorted noises.

She resembled a short, crusty-looking old lady, clad in a turquoise dress. Her hair resembled seaweed, and she reeked of saltwater. The most distinguishing feature was the long, hefty fish tail that protruded from her backside, complete with a fishing hook embedded in it.

Neptalia had been the first of the deities to take notice of him when he began his mad crusade to destroy the Archdemon- making her one of the few gods he actually respected and valued the friendship of. “What is this for, anyway? I’m busy directing my babies to sink some Empire ships. They’re waiting for me to watch!” She grumbled.

“This does indeed concern the Empire, and our imprisonment, so it would behoove you to pay attention.” Mortimus sighed.

“Plus, my daughter is there…” Zarnath muttered. He knew that would get the water out of her ears- Neptalia had a soft spot for strange people like him and his descendants.

“OH, why didn’t you say so?!” Neptalia perked up immediately. “If there’s one thing more important than enacting the wrath of the sea on our oppressors, it’s protecting one of my own. After all, I’m her GODmother!” The crusty old goddess laughed heartily at her terrible joke.

Volkhar was the only one who looked confused. “I don’t get it.”

Zarnath sighed. “Jokes aren’t funny if you have to explain them, bullhead. Maybe you should ask Mortimus, he really knows how to knock ‘em dead!”

Mortimus sighed. “Every second you waste creates a bigger backlog for me to worry about.”

Neptalia giggled. “Well, you should probably get that looked at, then- logs are pretty heavy to carry on your back!” Eh, not the joke I would have used, but if it gets a reaction out of old bone-face over there, that’s good enough.  

Amoria, for her part, was trying not to laugh- she liked to put on the appearance of a pure soul who cared little for lower forms of entertainment, but the other deities knew full well how low her entertainment could be.

A loud explosion interrupted the conversation, and Steli, goddess of the forge, stumbled into the room, her mail and plate armor covered in ash and soot. She pulled the goggles off her eyes, coughing. “Phew! That hunk of adamantine was a stubborn old fucker indeed. Gonna need to pound it a bit more to make it work.”

If ever there was a person that defined the look of dwarves, it was her. Only about 4 feet tall, but with enough muscle packed in to roll most people with no effort. She lacked a beard- female dwarves COULD grow them, but given their usual position as blacksmiths, it was a safety hazard. Didn’t stop her hair from being as elaborately braided and bushy as the oldest dwarves- and her square jaw and cleft chin completed the look. She had clearly been busy. At least she was nice enough to make HER room soundproof- otherwise the banging of her hammer would have driven all of them insane centuries ago. “Ahem. Sorry I’m late. What’s this one about again?”

Mortimus gritted his teeth, clearly getting more agitated by the minute. “It is to decide whether we as the Pantheon should support this new party of-”

“Oh, that’s boring. Another one?” Steli belched loudly, interrupting him. “What’s different about this one?”

“Well, there’s an artificial life-form therein, which would be part of your domain.” Mortimus said. “One of those ancient machines from before the War of the Gods.”

“Wait, what?!” Steli sat up, looking like somebody had lit a fire under her rear. “One of the- you’ve gotta be bluffing. A Starforged? Those are supposed to be extinct!”

“I assure you, this is quite real.” Mortimus waved his hand over the scrying orb in the center of the room, and the image showed a certain purple-pink machine with a boxy head.

“Well, I’ll be damned. Pure hihiro’kane armor… obsidian crystal face… She’s a marvel!” Steli gushed. “She’s in better condition than any other one I’ve seen!”

“Oh, please. A mere machine? That can’t compare to flesh and blood!” Volkhar boasted. “Can’t build up muscle if you don’t have any!”

Steli turned to him with a glare. “Clearly YOU haven’t been paying attention to what some Warforged on the surface have been doing. If you’ve seen those body modifications, maybe you’d consider cutting off one of your hands to copy them!”

“I would NEVER!” Volkhar raged, the flames on his body rising with his temper. “My body is a temple, and sullying it with machinery would be like tearing down the stone walls and replacing them with metal!”

Steli was totally ignoring him, gesturing wildly at the construct like a kid who’d just gotten a new toy they’d been asking for. “They’re a marvel of engineering! The perfect balance between lightness and toughness- only problem is, most of them were destroyed or burned themselves out from overuse. The best part is, they’re solar-powered and can repair themselves from minor injuries, so this one’s probably still in perfect condition even all these years later!!”

As Steli continued to gush about the intricacies of Starforged anatomy, Zarnath thought to himself. Wait. That means there’s no way there could possibly be enough votes to ignore these people. Neptalia and Amoria would be in my corner anyway, and if Steli’s going to vote for that Starforged… yep, this’ll be quick. Only wild card is Mortimus- what will he vote for? I can never figure out that guy. Should probably lay off making terrible jokes about him for a bit, lest I get on his bad side.

Leonis was the last to show up, striding through his door with his usual self-important air- which he was embarrassingly unaware of the annoying stench of. He resembled a tall, well-built tabaxi, covered in short black fur. A long, white tunic covered his bottom half, and gaudy jewelry adorned his chest and tail. “What is that unholy racket?!” He grumbled. Fashionably late as always, furball. When he sat down, it seemed like he was always trying to pose in the most outrageous manner possible. At least he didn’t manspread this time.

Out of all the other deities, Leonis was easily the most infuriating. Every time he spoke about his art, Zarnath had to desperately resist the urge to throttle him.

“What is that unholy racket?!” Leonis grumbled. Ah, and the cat is late as usual. Must’ve had too much milk last night.

“It’s called being productive, you should try it sometime.” Zarnath muttered.

Mortimus, looking more and more like he wanted to crawl into a grave and die again, sighed. “It is simply a routine procedure to determine our stance on the latest crop of-”

“Yes, yes, potentially freeing us from this mess, how dreadfully dull.” Leonis grumbled. “On a more important note, Steli? How is our project going?”

Steli sighed. “Listen, there’s only so much I can do up here. I don’t have access to my usual resources, so I have to make do.”

Leonis was attempting to maintain his composure- unfortunately, his blatant impatience was on full display, with the way he was digging his claws into his throne. The arms of Leonis’ seat had a ton of scratches on it- he tended to do that when he was annoyed, or bored, or just in general, and ever since the deities were imprisoned, that habit had gotten worse than ever. “It has been going on for an entire year! The festival in Pyrarin is coming up, and I need to have my statue done as soon as possible for it. It’s one of the most productive times for worship!”

“You’re lucky, before we got stuck in here I had way more clients. Since it’s just you, it’s going a lot faster than usual.” Steli said matter-of-factly. Leonis was fuming- but he wisely decided not to press the issue, lest Steli install a bomb in it or something.

Zarnath rolled his eyes- he’d seen them argue over this SO many times. Unfortunately, since Steli was desperate for things to do, and Leonis needed to get out his artistic impulses, they were stuck with each other.

“Listen, fluffy, maybe we could speed this up a bit?” Zarnath said. “We’re not missing anybody, are we?” Maybe if you stopped your mewling, we would get through these things faster.

“And where are our glorious leaders? Surely they would care about being there for this foolishness.” Leonis muttered. “If they can’t even be bothered to show up, why should I have to?” Oh, for our sake, the lack of enthusiasm from some of you people makes me want to vomit. I know it’s been a while since a promising party showed up, but STILL, this is ridiculous.

“Oh, buzz off!!” Neptalia croaked crankily. “As if YOU have anything better to do than sit around swooning over yourself from your ‘art’.” Leonis’ fur bristled a bit at the remark, but his wish to leave the meeting barely outweighed the need to defend his honor.

“The leaders are currently busy, so they have enlisted ME to oversee this meeting.” Mortimus sighed. “I am currently quite behind on making sure these souls are being sorted, so the less time this takes, the better.”

“Busy, huh…” Amoria giggled. “Oh, yeah, I bet they’re getting REAL busy-”

Mortimus had little patience at the best of times, but Amoria was one of his constant targets of ire for her flighty nature. “Before you start derailing the topic of the meeting, Evelice at least is actually out attempting to do something to aid the current party.”

Amoria pouted. “Killjoy. Can’t let me imagine, huh?” Oh, please, I don’t have to imagine. I’ve heard ALL about their little excursions. From you.

Mortimus coughed. “Ahem. Before we begin, I think I know the answer to this, but I shall ask anyway. Does Pyx wish to join us for this meeting?”
A deafening silence followed.

Zarnath didn’t know why anyone bothered asking where Pyx was. She was never there. She had never been to any of these meetings in a thousand years, a perfect non-attendance record. It would be impressive if it wasn’t so infuriating at times.

Even so, he didn’t want to be the one who was on the receiving end of her wrath if she DID bother to show up. She was the only god who wasn’t imprisoned in Deus Mons for a good reason- even though she was asleep most of the time, that possibility that she would wake up struck terror into the hearts of everyone who knew her. Trying to contain her was frankly impossible. The day SHE showed up to a meeting in her little pink cloud was as likely as the world ending, or Drakoth and Evelice getting a divorce.

“Excellent. Anyway, the simple matter is- do we as a pantheon actually care about supporting this latest band of adventurers?” Mortimus said, waving his hand over the scrying apparatus to bring up a picture of the latest party. Of course Mster Dead Man over here is going to go last. He always goes last. He has to have the last word on everything… And he’s the one I’m most worried about!

“Well, I know where MY support goes.” Amoria giggled. “I’ll be watching this group- that dragonborn and the drider, the sparks are flying EVERYWHERE and they’re too dense to notice! And it would be rotten luck if either of them breathed their last before they could realize it. And that warforged, she’s so desperate, but I have to admire her tenacity…”

Thanks, lover girl. Amoria was predictable to a fault- if there was some potential for romance, she could always be convinced to throw her hat into the ring for any party. The fact that her best friend’s daughter was in there was merely the cherry on top.

“Hmph.” Leonis muttered. “Whether I take an interest in these buffoons depends on whether they treat MY glorious domain with respect. They are heading there, yes?”

“Shall I treat this as abstaining?” Mortimus said. “It is a simple yes or no question, and I would prefer it if you voted now so we don’t have to drag your opinion out of you later.”

Zarnath rolled his eyes. Oh, if we have to hold ANOTHER meeting because somebody didn’t vote, I will throttle whoever it was so hard they’ll be seeing the Astral Plane!

“No, I shall vote now. I think they are a waste of time. They seem like a bunch of hooligans. Only the dragonborn seems to have anything resembling culture, and he is a blithering idiot who cannot fulfill his oath. And that rabbit…” Leonis dug his claws deeper into the arm of his throne. “I think he is a detriment to their success, is all.”

Oh? Do I sense a grudge? What reason could a god have to despise one person who he’s never even met? Zarnath was burning with curiosity, but he didn’t want to press the issue, lest this meeting take even longer.

“Leonis is correct. What proof do we have that they’re up to snuff?” Steli mumbled, only slightly drunk- which for a dwarf, much less a dwarf goddess, was quite an achievement. Gods didn’t have to worry about liver poisoning, after all. “Though, I’m going to vote yes anyway. I want to see a Starforged in action!” She punctuated her vote with another belch. “Hopefully these other ones don’t mess her up. I could count the intact specimens of these remaining on one hand!”

An unexpected vote, but appreciated. Good. Two to one… It was close last time, so hopefully Mortimus doesn’t mess this up.

Volkhar laughed heartily. “THESE weaklings? They’ve only gotten so far with blind luck! They don’t possess the power necessary to overthrow the Empire! That drider is the strongest one there, but even she’s nothing compared to their best. Especially that octomaid, she’s a loose cannon if I’ve ever seen one. Why, if I was the leader-”

Zarnath fumed at the insult. Insulting HIM was one thing, but going after his family members was quite another- something that made the black blood in his veins boil. “You of all people should remember that power isn’t everything, bullhead- although, even if it was, you STILL wouldn’t be in charge. Lest we forget, you LOST to Big Red in a straight fight!”

Volkhar did not like being reminded of that- smoke was streaming out of his flared nostrils. “Why don’t you come over here and say that, you- ARGH!”

Neptalia had flung a splash of water on him, threatening to put out the flames on his body. “Oh, shut it already, both of you. I can’t hear myself think! Anyway, I can’t do anything where they’re going- the desert’s a fair bit outside my domain, y’see. But if they end up taking a trip on the water, you can bet I’ll be watching over ‘em! Heh heh heh!” Neptalia cackled.

“Thanks, old hag.” Zarnath said. Calling any of the other gods that would get him on her bad side, but Neptalia was far past the point of caring about such things. Her age was a point of pride for her anyway- after all, she was the oldest god still alive, no mean feat when the War of the Gods claimed so many.

“Don’t mention it!” She cackled.

Now, it’s time for the vote of Mister Bones. What are you going to do, hm?

Mortimus thought for a moment. “...I vote to support them. If both Evelice and Drakoth are agreeing, then they must be something special indeed.”

YES!!! GOOD!! Trying hard to contain himself, Zarnath cleared his throat. “Ahem. Well, good. Is there anything else? Since the pantheon has officially voted to support this party…”

“No. No there isn’t. Meeting adjourned, I have work to do.” Mortimus stood up and strode back to his room. Soon, all the other gods had left as well- Leonis in particular fuming about his statue was late. Zarnath secretly hoped it would melt, or something, if only for the look on the cat god’s face.

He thought back to Evelice. He could never tell what was going on in that woman’s head, even after all the years he’d known her. She SAID she’d be supporting this party, but he wondered if she had some hidden agenda behind it.

Oh well. As long as my daughter is safe, I don’t mind TOO much. Everyone’s got their secrets…

As Evelice sat in her room, her thoughts were consumed by events she had not thought about for centuries. Drakoth had laid his head in her lap as she sat against his side, snoring loudly. His scales were hot to the touch, but she’d gotten used to it over the years. As she ran her hands along the top of his scaly head, he was muttering in his sleep about his ‘greatest treasure’- and she knew that he was referring to her.

She’d never tell him that, but it was just as comforting for her. It was a warm, protective presence, to have someone that utterly devoted- even if he was hesitant to acknowledge it outright.

But not even the scaly embrace of her husband couldn’t chase those thoughts away. On the one hand, things had settled into a relative period of stability- even though they were trapped, they could still influence the world in subtle ways. Was it worth risking even that to help a band of nobodies that would probably die in the next week, after so many failed attempts?

She thought of what Drakoth would say, as he had many times previously. “Stop sitting there fretting, and take what you want! Strong rulers don’t wait for threats to come to them, they go to destroy them before they can fester!”

She chuckled at the thought- but he was right. Sitting there would do nothing.

Nobody believed in Zarnath and Amoria at first, either, and yet they accomplished the impossible. Perhaps I should take a page from their book…

Gently shifting Drakoth’s head off of her, Evelice stood up. She had work to do. If she got caught, that was one thing- but at least she would have tried to fix things, instead of sitting there.

Author's Note: holy shit managed to finish this like fifteen minutes before i had to leave for something. sorry for the wait!!

Also heres some delightful art of Fuku and Khan, courtesy of @Dragon_Tamer8. Give him a follow!!

Chapter Text

(this one's smutty, yo)

The Unseen Merchant is a devil that takes the form of an innocuous-looking transport, with the window covered by a metal shutter that cannot be opened except by itself. When it does open, it takes the form of green tentacles that emerge from the darkness within. It always tends to appear in places where people who have a lot of money, or are very desperate, show up- since that is likely to be where it makes the most lucrative sales. The door on the back of the transport is locked, and is similarly unopenable by anyone except the Merchant.

The objects it tends to sell are mostly mundane (albeit rare), but if you have enough capital on hand, it can be convinced to acquire other, more magical fare. It will only accept money or physical objects- no vague offers like a firstborn child are allowed.

The Merchant is unable to speak, and will only communicate through notes that it passes through the hole in the shutter. It is still perfectly capable of understanding common language, so that will not be an issue.

The most important thing to remember is to, under no circumstances, steal anything or welch out of a deal. If you do, you risk extreme bodily harm- those tentacles are extremely strong, and could definitely break some fool’s neck.

-Ars Daemonia

One year earlier…

A devil woke up to somebody ringing the bell on his desk, and he let out a seething, unholy gurgle of annoyance. His store was not open yet. The hours were posted DIRECTLY beside the stall’s shutter, and yet people kept waking him up early anyway. If he could leave this vehicle, he would be throwing the intruders into the garbage, before throwing a copy of the store hours in with them.

Some people called him the Unseen Merchant. An apt descriptor, considering no one had ever seen his true form in ages- and indeed, if they had, they would wish they hadn’t. The few times someone had, they’d fainted from fright like a child who’s had a jester show up at their surprise party.

The bell rang again, shattering what little remained of the deep sleep he was in. He blinked his enormous eye a few times to get the sleep crust out of it, and hastily grabbed one of the pieces of scrap paper in the room to write a quick note, that he slid through the small opening in the metal shutter. It read “Come back later. It’s too early for this.”

The new customer giggled. “Oh, but this will be really quick. I’m just here to get what I need, then I’ll leave you to your nap.” Her voice was warm, yet mischievous- like pretty amber that trapped bugs. He could tell she was a her- after a lifetime of being stuck in this room, exposing as little of his form to the outside as possible, he tended to pick up on the subtle intricacies of people’s voices. The shutter had been rusted shut recently, so he had barely been able to see the customers he did get.

He looked at the clock on the wall. It was six in the morning. He couldn’t tell if this customer was trolling him on purpose, or was a massive airhead. Whatever the case was, the sooner he got her out of his tentacles, the sooner he could get back to sleep. He put out another note that read, “Fine. What do you want to buy?”.

The customer responded after a minute of hemming and hawing. “Ooh, this bracelet would look great on me, but… 200 gold? Are you sure it’s worth THAT much?” The Merchant was used to tactics like this. A low grunt in the affirmative was all he cared to supply in response, and she appeared to get the message. “Hm. Listen, darling, I don’t have quite enough money to pay for this. But perhaps there’s another way I can pay you…”

The devil rolled his singular eye from behind the metal shutter. He’d heard so many people say that over the years, and their alternate forms of compensation were never enough. Firstborn children were out- too easily welched out of, given the people who tended to offer that were often smart enough to find loopholes. And children wouldn’t even be useful to him anyway- they wouldn’t be able to do anything relating to the business according to HIS standards.

“I could always give you a little something else, to make it worth your while, hm? What do you say?” The voice on the other end was low and confident- she was clearly an experienced haggler. The devil groaned, and tapped one of the signs to the right of the shutter. It read “Only money and physical goods accepted. No firstborn children, no promises of greater investments, etc.”

“Ha, you’ve really thought of everything haven’t you? Don’t worry, what I have in mind isn’t any of those. And I can give it to you right now, so you won’t be left waiting… What do you say?”

This one is incredibly persistent, isn’t she? It was worth a shot, he supposed. The bracelet she wanted wasn’t particularly valuable anyway. And at least it would let him get back to sleep.

No sooner had he put out another hastily-scrawled sign with ‘yes’ written on it, then he felt an odd sensation. Something soft and slightly wet was being pressed against his quivering appendage, as fleeting as a raindrop, then it was gone.

“Thanks for the bracelet! I might come back tomorrow, see if you have anything else I’d be interested in. Ta-ta, darling- can I call you Darling? ‘Unseen Merchant’ is a bit of an ahem, mouthful.”

He supposed it was fine. After all, none knew his true name anyway, and if it made business easier he didn’t care. He didn’t know why she paused when she said that, though. ‘Mouthful’ was not a difficult word to say for people who had tongues.

Her words were followed by steadily softening footsteps, until he couldn’t hear them anymore- but the echoes of her voice still reverberated through his mind. The Unseen Merchant was left in utter awe by what had just transpired. 

She had touched him.

The Unseen Merchant wasn’t sure how to react. He couldn’t remember the last time anyone had done that- of course he’d brushed hands with people when exchanging money and goods, but that was a byproduct of his job.

But she’d reached out and grabbed HIM, not anything else on the counter. Her hand was soft and gentle, and the way she ran her hands over the bumps on his long tendril… It felt different. Calming.

He didn’t know what it meant, or if it was even on purpose, but he knew one thing. He wanted to experience that sensation again. If this was one of those ‘alternate forms of compensation’, he supposed he didn’t mind losing the occasional low-value item on them. He withdrew his tentacle back inside the stall- and saw a lipstick mark on it, in bright gold. It shone brightly on the dark, mottled green of his limb.

He wished he could see what this mysterious woman looked like, but the shutter was nearly rusted shut long ago, and he couldn’t get it open far enough to get his enormous eye through. And even if he could- she’d probably be terrified. For now… he had an idea.

She said she’d be back.

The newly-christened Darling quickly grabbed a pen and began frantically scrawling on a sheet of paper. He had an important sign to make.

Mula was having an odd day, and the day hadn’t even started yet.

Yesterday, she’d smooched an odd green tentacle in order to get a shiny gold bracelet for free. It’d worked like a charm- as a succubus, she had no qualms about using her body to get things for cheap, or free if she was lucky enough. She was planning to visit again, see if there was anything else she could tease out of him, but nothing more than that.

I can’t believe that worked. Usually it’s not so easy to get things by showing a little leg… or, well, I couldn’t really show him anything. Not that she didn’t have experience with people sticking random things through holes in a wall- she WAS a succubus- this was odd even by that standard, but still nothing she hadn’t seen before.

But then, somebody had left a poster under the door of her room, that she’d seen as she’d A ‘help wanted’ ad for a nearby store… one that looked suspiciously similar to the Unseen Merchant’s stall that she’d visited yesterday. Offering full time employment, and ‘generous additional benefits’, air quotes included.

Is this because i mentioned ‘alternate forms of compensation’ yesterday? If so, he must catch on quick. The real question is, how’d he leave that note outside the door… it didn’t look like he could leave that vehicle.

Mula shrugged. It wasn’t like she had anything else to do that day- it was at least worth looking into- and she WAS currently out of a job. She put on her usual gold and silver bikini, and strode out the door to the inn. Not that he could see it, probably, but it made HER feel expensive.

As Mula approached the familiar stall, wearing her usual revealing ensemble, she saw a new sign. It said “HELP WANTED- Shop Assistant”. The sign looked almost identical to the one that was in her room that morning.

Oh, that’s interesting. Could it be a coincidence? Regardless of if it was, Mula was not the type to look a gift horse- or tentacle monster, as it were- in the mouth. She needed a new job, and a salary. Putting on her best ‘definitely not aware of how pretty I am’ voice, she strode up to the vehicle. “Oh, hello, darling!”

Since it was actually around the store’s regular hours, the shutter slid open slightly, and that familiar green tentacle snaked out. It was green, with lots of long, stretched narrow bumps all over it. A familiar gurgle accompanied it, as it busied itself arranging the various items on the counter. 

She couldn’t stop staring at it. The way it moved, so dextrously… Honestly, when she kissed it yesterday, she was expecting it to taste awful. But it didn’t- it tasted of regular skin with a hint of citrus. Not altogether unpleasant.

Mula shook her head. She could save the lewd thoughts for AFTER she’d actually gotten the advertised position. I wonder what those ‘additional benefits’ are. All right, let the buttering up commence. “I’m back from yesterday… Oh, don’t mind me. I brought you a drink. As thanks for the delightful bargain.”

Mula placed a waterskin filled with ale from the inn on the counter. It took a second for the tentacle to find it and lift it up with a cursory grunt. Oh, he must be wondering if I’m trying to trade it for something. “Oh, don’t worry, it’s free.” He must not receive gifts very often… hm.

Another grunt, possibly of approval. Before long, a second tentacle slid out through the small opening- this one looked different. The tip was a much lighter green, covered in dark-looking veins, and it had a small hole on it. Huh. I didn’t see that one yesterday.

He stuck the hole over the waterskin’s nozzle, and began slurping down the contents.

Every suck was punctuated with a wet, sloppy noise as the lighter tentacle sucked up all the liquid inside. She could practically see the liquid travelling up it as the tentacle bulged and contracted. In less than a minute, the Merchant had finished its guzzling, and left the waterskin on the counter, a thin string of green liquid briefly connecting it to the tentacle before snapping. It punctuated the whole thing with a gurgling, guttural belch.

Oh. Oh my. That’s… quite something.

She picked up the waterskin, and before her better instincts could stop her, she stuck a finger on the substance he’d left behind. It was thin and slightly greenish white.

I might have to wash that… later.

“So, ahem, Darling… you don’t get out often, do you?” Mula said, attempting to chase the lewd thoughts out of her head. Right now, she needed to focus on business. A simple note reading ‘no’ was slid out on the counter. Before he could snake the limb back inside, Mula reached for it.

She was expecting him to jerk it away, but he didn’t. A low grunt escaped the interior of the vehicle as she ran her hands across it. It was smooth, like skin for the most part- but it was covered in bumps that were slightly harder than the rest. Surprisingly, it wasn’t slimy at all.

“Um, you don’t mind this, do you?” Mula quickly stammered. Her curiosity had gotten the better of her, and she’d forgotten what he might think of it. Thankfully, Darling simply tapped the same ‘no’ note from earlier. Phew.

The way he gurgled and groaned as she ran her hands across it, it was adorable. As she continued to stroke and pet the wiggly limb, she was entranced by how flexible it was. She already knew what it tasted like from yesterday… but now she was wondering what flavor that other, lighter one would provide. Or, of course, how either of them would feel against more sensitive regions.

Mula blushed at the thought. Her standards weren’t terribly low, but something about this one intrigued her. Hm. I have an idea. If that sign is for real… and he pays well… And he’s probably single, too. “You don’t get much company, do you?”

A sad-sounding grunt, then he tapped the note- it read ‘No.’.

Come on, Mula, this is your chance. A well-paying job with potential pleasure as a bonus, how can you say no?! “Well. I think I have an idea that can benefit both of us. You need somebody that can help run the store, and I’d love some extra cash. I could always work for you… So, Darling, what do you say?”

There was a moment of apprehension in Mula’s mind- after all, she HAD gotten fired from a previous sales job from sleeping with her boss’s son- a minotaur- not one of her finest moments. It was the dumbest reason for getting fired, literal bullshit. But ‘Darling’ didn’t know that, and she didn’t care. Regardless, now she was presently out of a job, and even if it was a tentacle devil, he WAS kind of cute. And she’d never been with something with tentacles before.

After a brief moment, Darling whipped out a note saying. ‘Yes, of course, you can start today.’

It looked like it was written very quickly.

Mula grinned. Perfect. Steady income, a cute boy to tease… excellent. She couldn’t wait to see where this gamble went.

It’d been a week since Mula had started this job, and it couldn’t be easier.

Over the last week or so, they’d worked out a simple little signal so that he wouldn’t have to constantly bring out small notes just to answer yes or no questions. One ring of the bell meant yes, and two meant no.

He’d also given her a small bell for her to keep on her person, to be rung in case of emergencies. Mula wondered what kind of clientele this thing was keeping, but as long as she got paid, she couldn’t care less. 

Since she didn’t know his real name- part of the rules of being an unholy being- ‘darling’ was the preferred name of choice. He certainly seemed to like it, and she thought it was cute.

The job was rather easy- most of what it entailed was standing there and luring customers to the store with her natural beauty- which tended to enthrall customers far more than a nondescript stall in the middle of an alley. He handled all the negotiating, customer service, and anything else relating to the actual business. And yet, he still paid handsomely- apparently the price of an occasional piece of physical affection, an idle rub of one of his tentacles, was worth a lot of money for him. And apparently business had been going up since she had taken this job.

Not that she minded. It was easy, and she couldn’t resist hearing what new and interesting reactions she could get out of her new boss. It certainly wasn’t a type of teasing she was used to, but it was fun.

Mula yawned. This day was almost over, the store closing in five minutes- and her thoughts kept going elsewhere. She wondered when she would get to see what he really looked like. Of course, he’d probably be nervous and guarded about it. Chasing her thoughts away, she turned her attention to what was probably the last customer of the day.

He was a weedy-looking human, gaunt and skinny, with shifty eyes. Hm. Better keep a watch on this one, he might try to steal something. “Hello, welcome to the Unseen Merchant’s shop, how can I-”

Before she could even finish her sentence, he whipped out a knife from his pocket. “Hey, lady, give me all your money!” Mula sighed. He couldn’t even be smart enough to just take it and run? And that barely qualifies as a knife. Pathetic.

Trying to restrain her obvious disdain for the poor crook, she spoke calmly. “I wouldn’t recommend that, brat. The owner of this store doesn’t take kindly to thieves…”

Truthfully, she hadn’t seen Darling deal with any yet, but she had a feeling he wouldn’t appreciate them very much at all. Anything with that many tentacles could probably do some major damage with them.

“Did you hear me, bitch?! I said give me your money!!” He was gritting his teeth, but Mula could tell he was rather unsteady.

Oh, lovely, another person who thinks robbing a succubus will be easy. I’ll just show him a little-

But before Mula could finish that thought, an eldritch screech ripped through the cold air of the alleyway, and multiple green tentacles lashed out at the incompetent criminal. In an instant, his knife had been ripped out of his hand, and he’d been slammed against the wall with his arms pinned behind his back! She hadn’t even needed to ring the small bell he’d given her.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” The crook screamed, as the situation rapidly changed to favor her.

“Ah, well, that’s what you get for trying to rob a devil.” She drawled, trying not to burst into laughter. He looked even more pathetic than he did originally, as Darling threatened to bend his arm in an unnatural manner, gurgling all the while.

“Please! Let me go! I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again!!” The miscreant begged, clearly terrified out of his wits. Unfortunately, Mula had no sympathy for those who only changed their tune after they got caught red-handed.

“Well, that’s up to Darling, isn’t it?” She glanced over at the gurgling, angry creature. “Might want to apologize, then get out of here- you’ll be lucky if you’re banned for life.”

And this idiot isn’t anywhere near as charismatic or beautiful enough to use my tactics to get out of jams.

“I’m sorry!! I’ll never do it again!!” He blubbered. In response, Darling lifted him up and tossed him out of the alley, after which he ran away screaming. Immediately after, the tentacle moved towards Mula’s body, rubbing all over her torso. Is- is he checking for injuries? What a gentleman he is.

“Darling, I’m fine.” She laughed. “But thank you for your concern.” Another grunt followed, sounding almost like a sigh of relief. But Mula’s mind was not so easily sated, not after that.

I probably could have dealt with him, but he just popped out and thrashed him faster than I ever could! The way he just him and tossed him aside… I wonder if he could lift me as easily.

“Thank you, Darling.” She patted one of the tentacles, and Darling gurgled happily as it wound around her fingers, spiralling up her arm and patting her cheek. The way he was so desperate for touch… it send Mula’s mind to some interesting places. She thought back to the other tentacle, the lighter one with a hole. How he’d sucked away at her waterskin, like a dog at a water bowl. “Hm. I can think of a reward I can give you for protecting me so well. If you’d be interested, anyway.”

Darling rang the bell once. Mula licked her lips at the thought. Oh, this will be interesting. “Well, Darling… bring out one of your lighter tentacles, the one you drank with. I have an idea.”

After a brief pause, Darling brought out the limb she was after, and her excitement only increased. A pale, sickly-looking green, covered in dark veins, with a small hole at the tip. Mula took a deep breath, carefully considering what she was about to do.

She had slept with fellow employees before, but propositioning her BOSS was on another level.

But on the other hand, the curiosity was quite overwhelming. She was SO curious to know what it felt like. What it tasted like.

“That one… it felt good when I touched it, didn’t it?” Mula said, gently. She didn’t want to spook him, after all. That would ruin everything. Another ring of the bell, signifying agreement. “Well… I think I can do something that’ll make you feel even better. If you’d be all right with that.” Another single ring- he wanted it just as much as she did. All of her previous lovers were humanoid- but this one was a new dimension entirely. And yet, the prospect excited her like nothing else. The way he’d so quickly dealt with that idiot from before… The way he could be so quick to lash out when he wanted to…

She wanted to see where this train of thought would take her. Looking around, she determined there was no one else in the immediate area that could interrupt what she was about to do. Good. I’ve been waiting long enough as it is!

Taking a deep breath, Mula raised the squirming appendage to her mouth, and gently placed her lips on it. The darker green one she’d kissed before tasted and felt fairly normal- nothing particularly odd about it other than its shape and hue. But this one was different. It tasted odd, with a slightly unpleasant tartness- but she found herself getting used to it. Very quickly.

Oh, wow. This… is not what I was expecting, but… heh. Let’s see how far I can go. As she worked her way down the lighter part with her hands, it was starting to twitch and wriggle more violently. It was much softer and more rubbery than his normal one- and very, very wet. 

After one particularly tight squeeze, Darling grunted in exertion- he was starting to ooze something from the fleshy tip, as well. It was thin and runny, and tasted even more strongly of that tart flavor. Was it precum?

She didn’t know, and she didn’t care. All she was thinking of at the moment was that she wanted more of it. A lot more.

Mula put the throbbing organ in her mouth, and began gently sucking on it, steadily working her way down the length, trying to drag out the motion as long as possible as he oozed his more and more. And all the while, Darling was making adorable, unholy grunts and gasps of clear pleasure.

But, soon, Darling couldn’t wait any longer. He quickly put his normal limb on the back of her head, and roughly shoved her face forward- forcing a fair bit more of his sensitive organ down her throat, and letting out a gasp of satisfaction afterwards.

Mula chuckled in her head. Ha, I suppose you were sick of the teasing. That’s fine. I can pick up the pace.

Mula began to move her tongue over it, sliding her head up and down the light, veiny appendage. With every move, a new, exciting sound came from inside the mysterious vehicle. Like that, do you? I can do even better. Sucking even more vigorously, she was practically milking him at this point. She could tell her mystery lover was enjoying it a lot, and that excited her even more. She couldn’t understand his speech, but some things were universal.

As Darling grunted in pleasure, the tentacle spasmed violently in her mouth- and immediately, Mula could tell what was about to happen. Come on, Darling…

The first jet of fluid hit the back of her throat, then the second. It was a fair bit thicker than what he’d oozed out before. Mula tried to swallow as much of the tart goop as she could, but it was so sudden that she had to tap out. She pulled the thing out- and a few more jets of warm, greenish fluid splattered all over her face and chest. Finally, Darling let out a long, gurgling grunt as the flow slowly tapered off, the writhing of his limb finally calming. If that wasn’t the sound of immense pleasure, Mula didn’t know what was. Mula coughed, wiping the thick fluid from her face, and sticking her fingers in her mouth to lick up as much as she could. “That was a lot… you must have been really pent up, huh?”

She could have sworn she heard another noise from inside the vehicle when he came. Like liquid splashing all over a floor. Perhaps it was her imagination? Or perhaps he was hiding something else.
But in any case, her curiosity was piqued- she wanted to know more. A lot more.

Darling was busy recovering from sensations he’d never imagined. The hole she’d shoved his tentacle into was so soft and wet, so warm… and the small, fleshy tentacle that was inside there, the way it had rubbed over him! And the taste… Is- is this what ambrosia tastes like? He’d heard about the food of the gods, that mortals weren’t allowed to have. It must have been something like this, he supposed.

Mula clearly enjoyed it just as much as he did, from the moans she was making during the act. “Heh. I think we can definitely work with this. Well, now that you’ve gotten me all hot and bothered… think you’ve got another round in you, Darling?”

Darling thought for a moment- he was extremely aroused by what had just transpired, enough that his largest tentacle had erupted, leaving a hot, sticky mess all over the floor inside.

And she was asking for MORE? He certainly wouldn’t refuse, not when it felt this good. He reached over to tap the bell outside once, and she giggled. “Good. Now, hold still for a moment…”

She grabbed his sensitive appendage again, sending a jolt of pleasure through his body. He could feel her guiding the quivering limb to somewhere… somewhere wet and warm. This place felt soft- softer than anything he’d ever experienced. As he wiggled around it, he felt so many things- the cloth of her clothing that she was gently pulling to the side, a small tuft of hair that surrounded it, a small nub that made her gasp a bit when it was touched. All things that he would like to explore later- but right now, there was one thing that was clearly more important than the rest.

Mula crooned. “Right here, Darling. Go ahead- you can stuff it right in there. Come on- don’t be shy.” As his sensitive, veiny organ sank into the soft, wet hole, he heard a loud moan from outside. It felt indescribable- and the way it tasted! His singular eye rolled back in total adulation towards the wonderful taste that surrounded his throbbing, pale appendage. He couldn’t resist- he had to know what all of it would taste like. As he wriggled it around, the moans continued- and he could feel the warmth spreading throughout his whole body.

“Good, Darling, just like that…” Mula gasped from outside. “Go a little faster.” Darling was eager to comply, trying to thrash about and touch all of her most sensitive spots, twisting and turning inside the inviting warmth that surrounded him. With every move, she gasped and moaned a little more- and that made him want to go even deeper.

One of his less sensitive tentacles wound around her body, scrabbling for some kind of hold, before eventually reaching two fleshy, soft mounds. He squeezed one experimentally, and was pleased when it got another moan out of her.

“Oh, that’s good.” Mula sighed. “Tighter.” He did so, squeezing another lusty gasp out of his soft lover. “Mmm… come on, go ahead and thrust that other one inside me.”

Darling was confused as to what she meant- he was already inside her, after all. He drew it back out and slid it in again, and she giggled. “Right, like that. But faster, harder.”
It only took a few cursory attempts before the moans coming out of Mula told him he was doing a good job, settling into a steady rhythm. “Oh, Darling…” Mula moaned. “I’ve never had anything like this before… come on, go faster!”

Immediately obeying the request, Darling thrusted the limb inside her even quicker than before- all the liquid he was oozing combined with her own wetness made the motion easier than ever. The slick sounds of the lewd act, combined with Mula’s loud wails of pleasure, were driving him absolutely wild. He started squeezing the soft mound in time with his thrusts, which made her gasp again. “Good! That’s how… that’s how you do it. Like that. Give it to me as hard as you can!!”

With every slam and thrust into her soft entrance, he could feel that lovely sensation from earlier building again. Every time he slid it in, he got a brief flash of her wonderful taste. He’d never known such pleasure in his entire life so far- but he’d be damned if he was going to let this opportunity pass him by.

Eventually, though he wished this moment could last forever, he couldn’t hold back anymore- his largest tentacle was fit to burst, and with a loud, guttural roar, he unleashed a torrent of hot, sticky fluid all over the wall and floor of the interior. His lighter one spurted again inside Mula’s slick folds, again and again, as he hugged her body tight with his other limb.

“Oh, fuck, Darling, that’s goooood…” Mula crooned as she clenched around his sensitive limb, trying to squeeze as much of that love juice as she could out of him, as she let out a flood of her own. The taste of it overwhelmed him- it was incredible. For a moment, they just stood still, the other tentacle still gently wrapped around her breast and torso, as he oozed the last of his essence into her.

A few minutes later, after enough basking in the afterglow, he finally withdrew his sticky appendage from her, letting all the fluid flow out of her and drip on the ground. The wet dripping sound it made just got him even more excited. He’d done that. He’d made this lady gasp and moan for him, with just a fraction of his full body and being unable to see her. It was a strangely empowering feeling.

Mula gasped as she steadied herself, breathing heavily as her speech returned to her. “Wow, that was incredible, Darling… I’ve never had anything like that before. Can I come inside the store tomorrow… so we can explore each other a little more in-depth? If you can get me going like that with just two tentacles, then I’d love to see what you’re like with all of them.”

Before he could think, Darling frantically slammed the bell several times- which was outside their normal signals, but it made Mula giggle. He frantically grabbed a piece of paper, wrote ‘YES’ several times, and shoved it outside.

“Eager, aren’t we? All right, I’ll come back at the same time tomorrow. I’m really curious what other tricks you’ve got in there.” Mula walked away, her gentle footsteps slowly disappearing- until all that Darling was left with was the echoes of ecstasy in his tentacles.

Darling looked around his abode. There was a rather large stain in the corner- the result of the previous two encounters, that he’d ejected from his largest tentacle.

This was going to take a bit to clean up. Darling grumbled, and grabbed a towel from the corner of the room. He needed to make sure this room was as clean as he could get it- he wouldn’t get another chance like this in a hundred years!

Today was the day. The day when Mula, the mystery woman that he’d hired and rapidly gone further with than he’d ever expected, was going to come inside Darling’s stall to go all the way. He was terrified. What was she going to do once she saw what he really looked like? Run? Scream? Call some guards to deal with the aberration?

Or, he dared to imagine, finally help alleviate the profound loneliness he’d been feeling, along with some other emotion he couldn’t quantify? Whatever the case, he’d been thinking about her all day.

He looked at the clock. It was 10 in the morning. She hadn’t specified a time, much to his consternation. Darling was trying desperately not to get too wrapped up in himself- she’d gone this far, she wouldn’t have offered to go even further if she wasn’t a supremely open-minded person.

Gods, he wanted more of her. Her taste, her soft feel, the way she moaned when he rubbed and plunged inside her, everything. He hoped that she felt the same way. Is this what love felt like? He didn’t know. He didn’t care.

“Oh, Darling, I’m here!” Mula’s ever-seductive voice wafted through the metal door, cutting through the haze of his thoughts like a hot knife through butter. “I hope you’re ready for me, because I’ve been thinking about you all night.”

Fumbling with the multitude of locks on the door, Darling eventually gave up and ripped the last one off in a fit of annoyance, tossing it to the ground. He needed to see what she looked like.

He needed to feel that touch again. He needed to feel as close- no, even closer- than he did last night.

As Mula waited outside the door, her excitement was palpable. She’d already nearly embarrassed herself at the inn this morning. The soap the cleaning lady was using that morning was orange-scented, and she had to fight hard not to blush when she caught a whiff of it- it reminded her of the tart fluid she’d gotten a few mouthfuls of yesterday. The ‘CLOSED’ sign out front would deter anyone else- but to her, right now, it was an open invitation to what was sure to be a very fun morning.

She heard a loud metal crash from inside, before the door opened slightly. All right, no turning back now! If I get a proper fuck out of this job, it’ll be the best decision I’ve ever made.

“All right, let’s see what my mystery man looks like…” Mula gently opened the door, and beheld the surreal scene before her.

The room inside was quite disorganized, full of random miscellany that was bartered, or simply not for sale. But Darling had clearly done his best to clear enough space for her to work with. There wasn’t a bed, though. Mula hoped that wouldn’t be an issue. The most striking thing was the tall, full-sized mirror off to one side- which was very clean, considering the less-than-spotless state of the rest of the domicile.

But the most important thing of all, was Darling himself. Mula whistled at what she saw. Wow. Not what I was expecting, but… I can definitely work with this.

There wasn’t even a body that the tentacles were attached to- they were all coming out of a magic circle on the floor, etched in black ink. Four of the normal, bumpy ones and four of those lighter, veiny ones she’d played with yesterday. Oh, my. He’s got four of those… I can think of some interesting things to do with those.

And, in the center, a huge, singular eye on a long green stalk regarded her with an inscrutable emotion. Hunger? Lust? Loneliness? She couldn’t quite tell. Neither of them said anything- she’d clearly have to make the first move. “Well. Like what you see, Darling?”

Before she could react, several tentacles surged towards her, but instead of grabbing her or some such barbarity, simply began nestling themselves into her hands and chest. And, most oddly, around her spiralled horns. That didn’t do anything for her, but if he liked it, she didn’t mind.

Oh, that’s adorable! He’s so cute, in an odd sort of way. “I guess that’s a yes. Come here, you.”

Mula waltzed over to the eyestalk, and planted a wet kiss on his green eyelid, leaving a gold-colored smudge on it. He gurgled appreciatively after that.

“Well, Darling- you’ve managed to get a very attractive lady into your room. What do you say we get started?” The tentacles were winding up her legs, now, only stopping at the bikini bottom in their way. She knew exactly what he wanted- and she was more than ready.

Darling withdrew his tentacle from her, and gestured to a piece of paper affixed to the wall- which simply read ‘Darling’s Anatomy’, covered in crude drawings and hasty scribbles. Well, I’ll be damned. He has a chart and everything. Mula couldn’t help but laugh, but she did appreciate the thought- she’d certainly been with some nonstandard folks who didn’t even attempt to explain the peculiarities of their equipment. “Okay, then. Teach me all about what you’ve got…”

It had three crude drawings of tentacles on it. His artistic ability wasn’t the best, but it got the point across well enough. The first illustrated the ones he used for grabbing things, arranging them on the counter, etc.

‘These are for grabbing.’ Fairly self-explanatory, I suppose.

The second depicted the ones he used for drinking… or sucking things, as she well knew. ‘These are for tasting, they’re sensitive.’ Oh, I know that very well… with the way he was gurgling last night.

The third drawing depicted one she hadn’t seen before, however. “This one tends to spurt everywhere when I get excited. I don’t really know what it’s for.”

Mula grinned devilishly as she read that line, biting her lip hungrily. “Oh, you. I’m pretty sure I know EXACTLY what to do with that one. Can I see it?” 

Darling rang the bell once in the affirmative, and carefully brought out his largest tentacle. It was green like the rest of him, but no bumps were present. It was very wrinkly, though. It reminded her of some of the older gentlemen she’d been with before. It was quite thick, about as much as her forearm. There was also a large hole on it… presumably hiding something more interesting inside. “All right… let me know if you’re uncomfortable.” She didn’t want him not liking something she did and treating her the same way he did that crook from yesterday, after all.

Licking her lips, Mula gently took him in her hands, running her hands down the quivering appendage. With every touch, a gurgling gasp emerged from the void below. Hm. Rather normal-looking for the business end… Let’s see what you’re hiding in there.

Carefully, Mula placed her lips on the tip, giving a cursory lick at it- it tasted like the fluid from yesterday, but even more pungent and sweetly acidic. And she could smell something inside… she knew that smell well, she’d slept with enough lonely men to recognize it anywhere. The smell of a desperate man, aching to finally get some. Even if it was a tentacle monster and not a normal humanoid, it didn’t matter.

With an unholy grunt, the tentacle shivered- and something started peeking out. Something dark green. “Oh, there we go.” Mula grinned devilishly. “Let’s see how much of that we’ve got to work with…”

More and more of the bizarre organ extruded from its sheath as she rubbed the wrinkly flesh- when she stopped, his infernal cock was almost a foot and a half long. It was a much darker green than the rest of him, covered in even more bumps and protrusions. Though, these were much softer, almost pliable. The real star of the show was the tip, however- a large, conical head that tapered until the very end could easily fit in her mouth, with a large hole on the end- presumably where the magic happened.

“Oh, wow. ” Mula murmured, totally entranced by the massive member before her. “No wonder you didn’t have that out as soon as I came in… That would probably send a normal person screaming.” Darling let out a gurgling whimper, to which Mula gave his eyestalk a reassuring pat. “Oh, don’t worry. I’m not going to run, not when I’ve got such an enticing hunk right here…”

Mula gently grasped the long, twitching cock, and was even more fascinated than she was with his tasters. The bumps felt soft, but she could feel the inner hardness as she ran her hands over it. It was already covered in thick slime from the moment it came out, dripping and oozing all over the floor and her hands. As Mula looked closely, it seemed to be secreting it from several of the bumps, and more oozed out when she squeezed some. But even more was coming out of the tip, a thick, off-green substance.

“Oh my, Darling, you were hiding this much from me? Talk about having extra stock in the back…” She giggled at her own joke. “Now, let’s see what this one tastes like…”

Before she could back down, she took the plunge and put her lips on the sensitive member, eagerly licking up the sticky slime that it was putting out. Darling croaked and gurgled immediately as he shivered in her grasp- he was clearly having fun. And she was about to have just as much.

His sensitive tasters and tentacles were winding around her, settling into the spiralled grooves of her horns, gently nuzzling any soft part they could get to. One of the tasters was clearly trying to get to her pussy- but she left her bikini bottom on. She stopped her licking to stare at him, mockingly wagging her finger like a displeased schoolteacher. “Oh, you’re desperate, aren’t you? Just wait a little longer, you’ll get to shove it in me once I’ve learned what makes you tick.” She fully planned to let him his way with her later, but right now she needed to get acquainted with this new and fascinating dick.

After a few minutes of gentle rubbing and slurping, Mula grabbed the huge organ and pulled herself forward on it, cramming even more of the soft flesh down her hungry throat. It was a tight fit, considering its size- but a large chunk of it was able to just barely squeak past her lips.

Darling roared as she deepthroated as much of him as she could, running her tongue along the bits and bobs, sucking his essence greedily. She made sure to squeeze and rub the rest of it, too, bending and squeezing as many bumps as she could- an act which made her infernal lover writhe even more at her expert touch.

Darling was sensitive- and such a constant assault of sensation soon drove him over the edge. His dark green member spasmed, and a thick spurt of his cum hit the back of Mula’s throat so hard it came out her nose.

She gagged in surprise- a rare thing indeed for a succubus- at that sudden torrent of fluid. It burned as it exited her nostrils- and that was only the first shot. Another one blasted into her gullet hard- and another. And another. Mula yanked the massive member from her throat, gasping- a rather difficult task given the odd shape and girth of it.

As this was happening, several of the bumps on the rest of his cock splattered the goo elsewhere, in a veritable fountain of cum. The last few pumps of his thick, citrus-y goo splattered all over her as his cock writhed in her hands. Her face, her hair, chest and stomach- nowhere was safe from the pent-up lust of this creature.

Holy shit. He must’ve been building this up for ages. No wonder he was so desperate.

As Darling finally calmed down, the huge spurts of semen slowed to a gentle ooze. Darling was grunting and gurgling like she’d never heard him before- the sounds of a man crawling through a desert, only to finally reach an oasis.

Mula had never been so turned on in her entire life. She’d been with a lot of odd creatures before- it was in the nature of succubi to push the extremes- but this was the most exciting yet.

Darling was reeling from the sensation. After she’d handled his most sensitive tentacle like that, he couldn’t hold back anymore, and he’d unloaded all of that pent up stress all over her.

He gazed at the body of Mula, covered in his built-up, greenish fluid- she was currently licking up as much of it as she could and making some extremely unladylike noises while doing so. Quickly, he moved his tasting tentacles all over her, sucking up the remainder as quickly as possible. “Hah, cleaning me up, are you? What a gentleman, heh.”

Mula got to her feet, staring directly into his singular eye. She had a different look than before. She looked hungry- and given what had just happened, Darling didn’t have to ask for what.

“That… was the most exciting thing I’ve ever done.” She gasped. “And thanks to you, now I’m really ready for you to make a hot mess out of me, emphasis on the ‘hot’.” She gestured to her dripping body, breathing heavily with clear arousal, flicking her heart-shaped tail. “One thing before we start. I know you’re going to want to stick one of those pale ones in my mouth- so. Remember, Darling- if I bite down, that’s your cue to stop whatever you’re doing. Succubi are tough, but we’re not perfect. Understand?”

The bell rang once, in the affirmative, and Mula grinned. “Good. Now… go ahead and explore, hm? Get your money’s worth out of me.”

Darling didn’t need to be told twice. He made sure to carefully remove her clothing, gently sliding it off of her voluptuous body. After all, he wouldn’t want to have to pay for that stuff- it looked very expensive.

Mula giggled at the sight. “Oh, what a gentlemanly way to do it… and here I was expecting you to just rip it off. You’re just full of surprises, aren’t you?” Unfortunately, the moment was ruined by that infernal top. He was having trouble removing her top- unfortunately, his tentacles were not quite dextrous enough to unfasten it.

“Oh, let me help with that.” Sensing his annoyance, Mula quickly unfastened it and gently laid it on the floor, after which he picked it up and put it in the corner. He knew that once they got going, the splash zone would be quite large. Not that it hadn’t been stained already- it was like wiping up a fractured water tower with a handkerchief. And then, the exploration began in earnest. Darling quickly grabbed her torso with one tentacle, lifting her off the ground easily.

“Ooh, you’re a strong devil, aren’t you?” Mula cooed. “Go on, you can feel every part of me, as much as you want.”

Two of his normal limbs were quickly occupied holding up her legs, spreading them as wide as he could muster to expose the soft entrance between them. This was what he’d experienced yesterday- and the yearning for it only increased. But there was more to explore first.

“Mmm, you got to squeeze one of them yesterday. Did you like that?” Mula said, with clearly increasing arousal. “Well, I certainly did. So go ahead and grab them, as hard as you want.” Darling was certainly eager to oblige her. Wrapping another normal tentacle around one of her arms to secure it before getting to one of the mounds, he squeezed at it. It was so soft against his bumpy tendril- he could never get tired of feeling that.

Warily, one of his tasters snaked up her other arm before he placed it upon the darker nub of the other one, and began to suck at it gingerly. No fluid came out, but it coaxed another gasp out of Mula- enough reason to keep at it. “Oh, that’s it. Go ahead and suck it, just like that…” The succubus groaned.

“Now, come on already, Darling, I want to taste more of that delicious nectar you’ve got- Mmph!” One of the tasters slid directly down her throat and past her lips with minimal effort- he’d already been so excited, it was wet and slick already. He could feel the small tentacle inside rubbing around it again, slurping as greedily as ever.

Moving his gaze to her backside, Darling gently wrapped a tendril around Mula’s tail, before giving it an experimental pull. “Mmph!” Mula groaned, shuddering in his grip, her eyes already starting to roll back in sheer ecstasy.

Darling was confused. He’d tugged on what was clearly a sensitive part, and she’d yelped in what sounded like pain- but there was no bite. Was that the sound of pain, or was she enjoying it? He gently tugged on it again, only to be met with a soft moan. Still no bite. Every experimental pull drove a new, exciting sound from her body.

As one final test, he gave it a quick, sharp yank- and after another long moan, she started shaking and oozing more warm fluid all over. And still no bite. Clearly this was something she liked. She hadn’t mentioned it, but Darling supposed that this was just part of the learning experience.

Speaking of that, there were still a couple tentacles he had yet to find a use for. He was worming a third tasting tentacle around Mula’s body, trying to find some productive thing to do with it… and soon, he’d found what he was looking for.

Near the first hole he’d slid inside last night, there was another one, in between two soft, pillowy mounds. This one was tighter, and substantially less wet. Experimentally, he slid part of it inside- and Mula grunted loudly as soon as he did. Still no bite…  So he shoved it in another couple inches, and the same result. Clearly this was something she liked, so he would keep doing it.

This hole tasted different than the others. More bitter, saltier. But still just as alluring and arousing- he wanted to taste just as much of her there, too, so he began wriggling it inside her, driving ever more lusty moans from her as his wet organ squelched in and out of the tight entrance.

Honestly, he was quite astonished at her ability to so easily adapt to his anatomy. From the texts he’d read, normally humanoids weren’t so pliable, or so eager.

She must be special indeed. Darling thought.

Mula was already reeling from the sheer sensory overload. She’d come once already from him yanking her tail, and he hadn’t even shoved that monster of a cock inside of her yet.

Oh, fuck, I wasn’t expecting him to go there, but… nngh, it feels so GOOD. Good thing I cleaned there before this. Anyway, what are you waiting for?! Go! Fuck me with that massive-

As if reading her mind, Darling spread her legs even farther, positioned the dark, bumpy appendage at her entrance- and began slowly slithering it inside. Yes! YES!! She moaned in pleasure at the feeling of the bizarre thing worming its way into her depths, as each wet, slimy protrusion stretched her vagina just a little bit more. She was in heaven- it felt even better than she’d expected, as it plundered her pussy utterly. Before long, he’d somehow managed to shove the entire thing inside of her, in all of its bizarre glory.

She felt so full. She knew succubi like herself could take more than the average person. She knew infernal beings could bend the rules of biology a bit when they banged mortals. but this was her first time on the receiving end of the latter- and the combination of both of these two facts was something to behold.

Thanks to that mirror, she could see a large bulge in her stomach as the massive dong stretched her utterly. It was a bit painful, of course- but it felt so GOOD at the same time, having it wriggle and ooze like that. It was the most obscene thing she’d ever seen, but gods, it excited her. Fuck, he actually got it all the way in… I was expecting to bottom out before that. He’s really something… fuck, it’s so much!

All three of her holes were totally stuffed by the eldritch being- two of the lighter tentacles sliding down her throat and up her tight ass, oozing their tart slime as they went. And, of course, that dark monster of an appendage steadily moving in and out of her pussy, every soft bump popping in and out as he went.

But, after a few minutes, it wasn’t quite enough. He was so slow, he was barely moving fast enough to really get her going. Come on… it’s adorable that he’s so gentle, but this is ridiculous! Fuck me silly already, you’ve already got me at your mercy!

And unfortunately, with a tentacle buried deep in her throat, she couldn’t exactly vocalize her complaints. And she didn’t want to bite him, lest he think he’d done something wrong…

The weakness of this system of communication had become quite apparent. Deciding she’d have to risk it, she gently bit the long tentacle in her throat as gently as she could, hoping it would work. In a flash, he’d yanked it out of her throat, and was staring at her with a concerned grunt. Worried as ever, I see.

“Listen, you haven’t done anything wrong, Darling. I just figured I’d give some tips. Going slow is all well and good, but… I’m practically fit to burst, so you should be a bit rougher.”

Darling was silent. Perhaps he hadn’t gotten her meaning. An understandable problem for someone like him.

Mula sighed. I suppose I’ll be more direct. “I’m telling you to stop holding back, already! If you’re worried about hurting me, succubi are built for this kind of thing. I’ll let you know if you’re actually hurting me. Otherwise…” She grinned, clenching her rear on his taster, making Darling emit a throaty gasp. “I want you to go as wild as you want. Pound me as hard and fast as you can, as much as you want until you’re satisfied. Oh, and- you see that little nub near my pussy? Make sure to give that spot some attention.” He had completely neglected her clit up to now, much to her annoyance. “It’ll make me feel REALLY nice. Are we clear?”

A single ring of the bell. With an affirmative-sounding gurgle, Darling slid the tentacle back down her throat, slowly.

Quickly, his last taster moved to her clit, and latched onto it, eagerly squeezing and massaging the small organ with all of his might. There we go, darling! Perfect! Now you’re really learning. It wasn’t long before she started losing herself to the throes of pleasure again.

And just when she thought he’d totally ignored her device, the fun began. He raised her up, drawing the enormous member out of her… and thrusted it forward, slamming her down on it at the same time. The sudden fullness drove a scream of pleasure out of her- she wasn’t prepared for it in the least, but she knew she wanted more.

There we go, Darling, that’s it! Fuck me like a ragdoll! She knew he couldn’t hear her thoughts, but he seemed to get it anyway from the noises she was making- he drew it out, the bumps prodding and poking at her inner walls on the way out- and slammed it down again, with even greater force. She was completely off the ground, totally at the mercy of his enormous, unholy cock- and he was only increasing in speed!

Elsewhere, the rest of his tentacles continued their motions. Squeezing, rubbing, slamming down her throat and up her ass, all in perfect, synchronized motions- it was all too much, and she came again. Fuck, the way he’s using me like a toy for him… It’s so hot! That’s the second time he’s made me cum, and he still hasn’t gone off yet! How much longer can he go?!

The way he was practically shaking her up and down his bumpy member was practically driving her wild. Every inch that went further inside drove her closer to the edge of ecstasy, and when he made thrusted hard enough to bottom her out, she went plummeting off the cliff, again and again. Fuck… he’s- he’s so fast! I knew he was holding back, but- gods!

Mula got a brief look at herself in the mirror. Held up off the ground, legs spread wide, green tentacles wrapped around her and writhing inside and outside. The bulge in her stomach where the enormous phallus was pounding away at her was even bigger. Every time it forced itself into her deepest parts, her arousal only grew. Especially when Darling moved his eye to look directly at her- he was staring at the huge bulge, taking plenty of satisfaction in how he was utterly dominating her body.

Part of it was knowing that she’d brought such pleasure to something that never had it before- and the other part of it was knowing that nobody else she’d been with- or COULD be with, probably- could ever hope to fill her like that. Not the way Darling was, stretching her like a hunk of rubber around his prodigious penis. His unholy screeches of pleasure filled her ears as his pace quickened. She knew what- or who- was about to come, and braced for it- but nothing could have prepared her for what was to come. Darling’s eye rolled back, he let out one final roar, and Mula’s world went white as the first waterfall of his semen began to burst forth.

It was even more than last time- she’d driven him to such heights of lust that he was unleashing everything he had. Every massive spurt shook her world as he made sure every bit of it stayed firmly inside. She could swear she saw the bulge growing bigger as he spurted inside of her- and it turned her on like nothing else.

The way he thrashed about and squeezed her so tight with every pump, the way the dark green tentacle throbbed and twitched, the way the lighter ones spurted and oozed to get her all sticky, it was unlike anything she’d ever felt before. He may not have had a face, but the way his eyeball rolled back told her everything she needed to know.

Eventually, however, the explosive orgasm finally subsided, and Darling carefully withdrew all his limbs from her, gently laying her down on the ground. No sooner had he wrenched his fat cock free of her aching pussy, than a waterfall began to gush between her legs- their combined juices, flowing freely onto the floor for him to quickly slurp up.

Mula lay there, a sweaty, panting mess. Her lipstick was smeared, her hair was unkempt and in disarray, and she was totally in awe of what she’d just been through. “That much… I can’t believe you came that much. You must have been holding that in for years! I’ve… Oh, gods, Darling, that was incredible.”

He tapped the bell once to agree, making Mula giggle in response. “Ha, cheeky, aren’t you? So, I'm not going to get fired from THIS job for sleeping with you, right?"

Darling paused for a moment, before ringing the bell twice. The meaning was quite clear-a resounding no.

Mula sighed in relief. “Good. Gods, if you keep that up, I might consider paying YOU for it.”

She attempted to get up, but her legs were too sore, so she gave up. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to walk after that… I suppose I’ll have to sleep here, but… there’s no bed…”

Darling simply gestured to his tentacles, making Mula chuckle again. “Oh, my. How gentlemanly of you. You wouldn’t happen to have any alcohol, would you? I’m a bit dehydrated after that.”

He pulled out an expensive-looking bottle of wine from one of the piles of stuff, and gently handed it to her, where she hurriedly opened it and took a long swig.

“Fuck. This might be the best job ever… talk about workplace benefits.” She reached over to pat Darling on the eyelid again. “Well, if I’m going to be a live-in assistant, we will need to make this space a bit more livable. A bed, for one thing. And- you wouldn’t happen to have any food, would you?”

Darling withdrew one of his tentacles into the magic circle, before pulling it back out with a cloth bag of food. She didn’t know where he got that, and she did not care in the least. Opening it and greedily devouring the meal within, she scooted up to the bed of tentacles, relaxing into their soft embrace.

“You’re really the full package, you know that? Cute, gentlemanly, rich, a provider, and a real monster in bed… I could get used to this.” Darling nestled his closed eyeball into her lap as she idly patted it, grunting contentedly. “Never thought I’d see myself settling down with one person, but I suppose there’s a first for everything…”

Before long, she’d fallen fast asleep, with Darling’s many tentacles wrapped protectively around his new ‘assistant’.

The store did not open that day. Or the day afterwards.

Or for the next week, in fact. But everyone who stopped by could hear constant moans and horrifying screeching, so they stayed away.

Once it opened back up again, however, the succubus ‘mascot’ certainly helped to drive up profits…

Meanwhile, back on Deus Mons…

“I KNEW IT WOULD WORK!! I’M A GENIUS!!” Amoria bounced up and down on her soft couch, frantically devouring a bucket of bacon-flavored ambrosia.

Her room was filled wall to wall with massive boards covered in notes and red string- the product of her life’s work, plotting out possible relationships for mortals the world over- which she kept a close watch on with the scrying stone attached to the wall. It was one of the biggest ever produced- and she was very proud of it. “Look at them, the way they’re fawning over each other! This is one of my finest accomplishments yet! FATE has brought these two together!

Zarnath, her best friend, was sitting nearby, watching the spicy proceedings with just as much interest. After all, it was an unholy being that was the subject of her latest project- and given his origins, he was always a supporter of his ilk finding actual companionship.

“Are you sure this doesn’t count as interfering with fate?” Zarnath jested. “I assumed that it was supposed to be, well immutable.”

Amoria rolled her eyes. She’d heard that argument plenty of times from the other deities- and her rebuttal was always the same. “Oh, please. All I did was give one of them a little shove in the right direction. After that, it was love at first sight!” She grinned smugly. “Well, technically he couldn’t see her at first. Love at first touch? Whatever.”

Zarnath shrugged, dumping a bowl of nectar into the space of his robe that vaguely constituted a face. “Anyway, wow he is NOT using those creatively. If he really wants to make her feel good, he needs to think of better uses for those tentacles!”

Amoria poked him in mock annoyance. “Zarnath, I’m sure YOU weren’t any better during your first time. I remember your wife complaining that you didn’t know what hole was what, and ME having to come in and give you both a proper lesson-”

“That was CENTURIES ago, lovebird.” Zarnath sighed. “But you’re right, I suppose everyone has to start somewhere…”

Amoria grinned cheekily. “Indeed. Wonder if that daughter you blather so much about will need my help one day if she ever finds somebody…”

“Excuse me, I will be the one to give ‘the talk’ about that when the day comes!” Zarnath fumed. “She’s MY daughter, not yours!”

“Oh, wait, look, they’re cuddling now! AAAA, it’s so adorable!!” Amoria gushed. “Mmgnh, look at the way he’s so protectively wrapped around her… and she’s patting his eyelids in her sleep… PERFECT!!”

Author's Note: Back to my weekly posting rate with a vengeance with this utter behemoth of a chapter. Hope you liked it- I've had this in my brain ever since seeing Jeb from Lethal Company, and thought "wow, he's a sweetie that just wants to do his job."
(if 10,000 words seems like a lot for a minor couple, just you wait until a main character gets down and dirty.)
The plot will resume next time!! Please let me know if you have any feedback, it'll make future smut chapters better!

Also, some more delightful art from @Dragon_Tamer8 on Twitter of Mula and Darling!! Please give him a follow, he deserves it!!

Chapter Text

Bactaurs are a rare race, created as an offshoot of centaurs by Steli to carry things more easily into the desert areas Leonis governs over, to aid in construction of the towering structures of Pyrarin. Rumors say he was rather displeased with certain aspects of their anatomy, but the resulting conversation is up to our imaginations.

In thanks for their aid, however, he placed oases around the desert more frequently to make their travelling lifestyle easier. A rare moment of kindness from the normally-smug cat god.

They are a strictly nomadic race, moving from place to place in desert or plain-like regions. Because of this, along with their general rarity, they tend to attract a lot of attention when they enter cities- horses tend to be scared of them if they have not encountered them before, in particular. (Centaurs are, obviously, smart enough not to cause a fuss.)

Their rarity has more to do with being away from each other for long periods of time, and when they meet, raising children with their lifestyle is not particularly easy. Therefore, most bactaur children are born in the larger family units, where care is easier.

Despite their intimidating stature, and blunt nature, however, they are a noble and dignified race. Antagonize one at your peril, for they can crush most mortals easily and quickly.

-The Races of Milennia, A Primer

Sulvan was rather bored.

Of course, his job didn’t typically lend itself to being intellectually stimulating. His job was to escort folks to their destination, not be a conversation partner. He was fine with that, it gave him time to be alone with his thoughts. Thoughts of how much he was going to get paid for this endeavor, thoughts of his beloved waiting for him back home… thoughts of profuse apologies for scratching up his behind, again.

Some of his previous clients had more hot air than they knew what to do with, and the less of that he had to deal with, the better. Especially nobles. Most of them had nothing in common with people like him- the prince he was seeing was one of the only exceptions. But despite having multiple members of the upper crust in it, this group wasn’t like the others. They were much odder.

Between two of them going off to a dragon’s lair to do gods-knew-what, the big quest they were attempting, and the inane conversations they tended to have about romantic literature, this was certainly a group he’d remember. If not necessarily positively.

Usually if he was pulling a party of people, they didn’t usually needle him for conversation this much- but their leader, the dragonborn known as Rex, was being stubbornly insistent on getting something out of him.

Rex spoke up, sounding slightly awkward. "Ahem. So, do you have anyone back home in the desert waiting for you? Family? Friends?"

"One person." Sulvan replied vaguely. He was a professional, giving personal information wasn’t necessary for the job.

Rex didn’t seem to understand this, though. "Oh, who is it?" 

Sulvan cursed internally. Of course he’d want more information. As long as it’s vague, I suppose it won’t be too much harm. All Sulvan would muster was a simple "Nobody you know." Unfortunately for him, Rex still persisted with his queries. “Well, obviously I don’t know him. Maybe you could tell-”

Sulvan was getting increasingly annoyed, but he maintained his stoic, professional tone. “Please stop asking.” Doesn't this man have anything better to do? I don't think Mau would appreciate divulging our relationship to every customer I pull...

Rex sighed, clearly getting very bored. “Very well then. On another note, what are those scratches on your rear? Did some manner of beast attack you? Those look painful.” Rex pointed to his backside, which did indeed contain recently healing scratches.

Sulvan paused for a moment, before giving a simple, one-word answer. “...yes.” He figured that telling him that would keep him from probing any further, he hoped. Even though he dwarfed Mau easily, somehow he was always the one with more visible signs of their trysts. A fact that he had to constantly make excuses for whenever someone expressed concern at his ‘injuries’. Which was a very frequent occurrence. Especially when a bite mark was among them. He could certainly handle himself against wild beasts. The marks currently on him were simply the result of his prince getting too excited.

After this job, they wouldn’t have to be so discreet anymore… he hoped. Then he could wear those marks with a little more pride, if not necessarily less embarrassment.

Rex was not having a good day so far.

After keeping watch a few days ago, Usagi had been covered in bruises and refused to specify how they got there. ‘Tripped over a rock’, he said, but Rex knew he’d gotten up to something, especially with the way Stephen couldn’t stop laughing as he said it.

As if that wasn’t enough, Spacey was going on and on about how she’d finally had a lead in getting her perfect draconic boyfriend- not the best way to find out that she’d been flirting with potentially deadly individuals, again. If she ever meets my great-grandmother, I would rather lock myself in a closet than listen to that conversation.

He’d tried relieving his boredom and frustration by attempting to talk to Sulvan, but that had gone over as well as passing gas in a church. It felt like talking to a giant, hairy, smelly wall, made worse by the fact that the bactaur never turned to face him the entire time. He seemed particularly displeased when Rex brought up the scratches on his rear. But what else am I supposed to look at?! Your backside has been hovering in front of me for the past several hours!! Rex was hoping for some small talk that wasn’t from the usual suspects, but that talk was a little too small for his liking.

Arandia, the only person who he actually appreciated the company of in this group, was busy working through a hangover, and rebuked any attempt to talk to her with profanities that would make a sailor blush. Worst of all, nobody was taking his quest seriously except for Celeste, and that brought its own set of problems- ones that he had no solutions for.

His thoughts turned to the ever-mysterious Celeste, who had gone off with Octavia to get some extra firewood, after getting into an argument that their respective patrons would help them find more. He hoped they wouldn’t cause too much mayhem… those two were like oil and water, if the oil was set on fire and the water was poisoned. Something about her didn’t add up, no matter how many times he thought about it, and it bothered him immensely.

She claimed to worship Asteron- a god that, for all intents and purposes, was supposed to be dead. At least, that’s what his history classes growing up told him. Of course, few lived who could confirm that for certain- but his lack of appearances since the War of the Gods painted a clearer picture, when the Pantheon had appeared frequently in the history books since. And yet, here Celeste was, claiming to hear the dead god’s voice in her head, and clearly getting her powers from somewhere. It sounded like a prank the god of chaos would pull, but Zarnath clearly wasn’t the source of her abilities either. Let alone the fact that Octavia and Celeste were in the middle of a religious feud.

That elf was a buffoon, who seemed to approach this quest with almost no fear, despite the odds. Since she tumbled into his life, it’d been nothing but lucky coincidences. Instantly gaining a party of allies- granted, not all of them were top-shelf material, but they were workable at least. And now, they had an actual lead- which was more than he could say for several years after he’d sworn that oath to take down the Empire.

Could Lady Luck be smiling on me? Or am I going mad? Why would fate choose to favor me now, after years of pitiful failures?

Such questions weighed heavily on his mind, and he had no answers.

Thankfully- or not- Rex’s brooding was interrupted by a certain sensation. Oh, lovely. I have to use the commode… and there isn’t one for miles, probably. Lovely.

“Ahem. Sulvan, I’ll be right back.” Rex said. Sulvan didn’t even bother to dignify him with a response. I do hope I haven’t angered this man. It would be unwise to enrage the person who’s transporting us to the desert…

Approaching the rear of the vehicle, he moved to Arandia- so far, the only person who had proved worthy of his respect in this party- and tapped her on the shoulder to rouse her from her daze. At least she would treat the request seriously- he hoped. “Ahem, nature is calling. If I do not return back in ten minutes, come investigate, lest I get ambushed by something.”

“Sure, yeah.” Arandia waved dismissively. Perhaps it was the hangover talking. They had run out of alcohol recently- that keg could only last so long in the face of someone like her, who could imbibe more alcohol than most grown men. Then again, she was shockingly resilient- surviving for months in a prison cell with barely any food- so perhaps there was nothing to worry about. Rex was more surprised that she didn’t swear for a change.

Is it a sign of respect? Or is she too exhausted? Rex didn’t care to find out- he was too concerned with not making his armor smell- sleeping in it tended to do that. 

He strode a little ways into the nearby patch of trees, hastily undoing the metal skirt on his armor. Nature was calling, and denying it would be a rude thing indeed. At least it would be a temporary distraction from the thoughts racing through his head.

Rex had finished taking care of his business, feeling a bit better and more relaxed.

That’s better. Well, I suppose I should head back… hopefully the others haven’t gotten into any mayhem while I was gone.

However, before he could properly fix his armor, a stern woman’s voice shattered the tranquility of the surroundings and sent him into a panic. “Rex Malum Brimstone, I presume?”

Curses! I should have known there’d be an ambush! Before he had time to think Rex quickly grabbed and swung his axe toward the intruder in one quick motion. However, she simply caught the axe with her bare hands, with nary a cut or scratch to be found as she gripped the weapon’s blade tightly. “I see your temper is as explosive as I’ve heard.”

Rex was totally undeterred by her nonchalance. “You’re the one who snuck up on me! You’re lucky I didn’t take your head off!!” Rex snapped. “Who are you?! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?!" She could catch my blade with so little effort… who is this?! Rex had several ideas running through his head, but none were particularly pleasant.

“Paranoid as ever, I see. Hopefully this will be enough to convince you that I mean no harm.”

As soon as she took the hood off, a golden halo appeared behind her- and Rex realized, with increasing horror and embarrassment, who he’d just taken a swing at. The eyepatch with the red dragonmark surrounding it… there was only one possibility. That’s- that’s the goddess Evelice! The highest leader of the Pantheon, here! Rex took a deep breath. All right, Rex, keep your composure.

Rex silently thanked Lady Luck that the skirt on his armor was long enough to cover certain… unmentionables. “Ahem. Um, what do I owe the honor of having the radiant leader of the Pantheon reveal herself to a lowly-”

Evelice sighed. “No grovelling, please. I don’t have much time before the barrier on Deus Mons closes. I’m here to tell you something very important.” Rex gulped. Evelice was said to be omniscient- if she had something to tell him, it was bound to be important indeed. “Are you familiar with the Orbs of the Creator?”

This again? Rex struggled not to let out an annoyed sigh. “Yes, Celeste says they’re very important, grant ultimate power.” Wait. Evelice is honor-bound to tell the truth to anything anyone asks her. “Do they actually exist, or are they a mere legend?”

Evelice continued, her expression as stern as ever. “Oh, I assure you, the Orbs are quite real. And the Empire’s currently looking for them. If they get ahold of all of them… well, you’ll have far more to worry about than your kingdom being run into the ground. They only have one- and you and your friends should see to it that it’s kept that way.”

‘Friends’ is a strong word for some of them… Rex kept his mouth shut, not wanting to disagree with someone who could incinerate him with a thought. “Since you’re here, perhaps you could verify where the closest one is?”

Evelice nodded sagely. “I suppose I can do that much. It is indeed in Pyrarin, the great desert city of the Tabaxi, in the palace of the Bastet family. Getting inside will be rather difficult, but I am sure you all can handle it.”

“You wouldn’t happen to have any idea on how to acquire it more easily?” Rex asked, knowing he was pushing his luck. But it was at least worth a shot.

Evelice frowned, which sent a shiver up Rex’s spine. Oh, no. I really hope that wasn’t a bad move. “If I told you everything, you wouldn’t learn anything. Part of a hero’s journey is facing uncertain odds and testing one’s mettle. Speaking of, I should ask- what would you do, if you got them all?”

Evelice’s expression did not change- but Rex knew she could tell whether he was lying or not. Better to answer honestly than skate on ice this thin. “...get my kingdom back.”

The goddess shrugged. “Truthfully, it doesn’t matter that much what you decide to do with them- the Empire has one of them, but as long as they don’t get the rest, the world will be safe for a while longer yet. Of course, on the off chance you manage to obtain them all, I would strongly prefer it if you didn’t try to become a world-conquering despot.”

Evelice raised her hand to her face for a moment- and when she took it away, her eyepatch had disappeared, exposing her missing eye, a mere empty socket surrounded by a glowing red dragonmark. “Because, if you did, well… the Pantheon’s been trying to overthrow the Empire for years. Let’s hope you’ve learned what not to do as a ruler from your experiences with them, yes?”

The visual made Rex shiver, but he refused to look away- that would be an admission of fear, and he couldn’t very well show a GODDESS that he was afraid! “I- I wouldn’t dream of-”

The emptiness of Evelice’s right eye began to glow an unearthly red briefly, before Evelice replaced her eyepatch. “I think I’ve gotten my point across, then. Anyway, Rex Brimstone, I shall leave you with this. I think you have yet to realize the gravity of the quest you’ve taken on. If all the gods couldn’t stop the Empire for over a hundred years… What makes you think YOU can?”

She gently patted Rex on the shoulder. “You don’t have to answer that right now- most people would be at a loss- but I suggest you think about it. Oh, right, my husband told me to tell you something important.”

Rex gulped. Oh, gods, Drakoth… that oath… that oath is ten years late… He had made that declaration in a fit of rage, and he couldn’t give up, lest his soul totally belong to the dragon god. And Rex was well aware that he didn’t appreciate cowards. “And that is?”

“Well, he’s very happy that you’re actually making progress on that oath for a change. Just keep it up and don’t give up.” Evelice smiled. “What, were you expecting something else?”

“No! Definitely not-” Rex said reflexively, before remembering that Evelice would know if he lied. “I mean, yes-”

The goddess giggled. “You shouldn’t be afraid of him, he’s quite fair once you get on his good side. Oh, there’s one more thing before I go.” Evelice’s expression darkened for a moment. "For all our sakes, keep an eye on that elf. She's more important than any of you realize."

Rex was confused, tilting his head. “Celeste? What do you mean-” But before he could get an answer to that question, Evelice had disappeared in a flash of light! “Oh, for gods- never mind.” Rex spat. Gods, the literal second I go off on my own anywhere, a GODDESS comes to visit. If the others hear about this, I’ll never hear the end of it! At least it wasn’t an ambush…

While trying to process what had just happened, he had come to a horrible realization:

He’d been so distracted, he failed to notice that he hadn’t been wearing pants that entire time. He’d been speaking to the Queen of the Gods , completely exposed. Rex let out a sigh of torment and embarrassment.

“Oh, for- I should thank my lucky stars she didn’t fry me on the spot for being so indecent!”

It had been fifteen minutes. Rex hadn’t gotten back yet, and Arandia was getting bored. Even in the midst of her hangover, she felt a pang of worry.

Maybe I’m overthinking this shit, but… ahhh, fuck it. He told me to come get him. Even if it’s nothing.

“Right. I’ll fucking go get Rex. Hopefully he hasn’t gotten himself into any crap.” Arandia hauled her massive body out of the cart, her head pounding. “Rest of you. If the two religious nuts come back from getting wood, tell them the boss and I are on our way.”

“Very well.” Stephen said, burying his face in a book. Arandia could have sworn she saw him chuckle a little bit at what she said- but she didn’t have the patience or time to care. Spacey and Usagi were too busy squabbling about nonsense to pay attention to her.

“Usagi, you don’t know ANYTHING about proper romance! Don’t talk to me about my methods!” The construct huffed, in her usual haughty tone.

“At least I’ve gotten laid before, unlike you… wait, can you even do that? I hadn’t considered that.” Usagi muttered.

Yeah, I’m not listening to this shit. Arandia ignored the bickering duo, going into the woods and grumbling to herself. Fucking come on, man, it’s been fifteen whole minutes! We’re out of alcohol, and if we don’t get to the next town soon I’m gonna have a real headache!

Really, Arandia was relieved to get out of that cart. They’d been sitting there for too long, and she was getting bored. Really, she needed an excuse to have a break from listening to Spacey and Stephen blather about god-knows-what. And she didn’t want her new boss to get jumped while taking a leak, or something.

That would be a new low for them both. As she wandered further into the stand of trees, her thoughts began to wander in an altogether more depressing direction.

Hope he didn’t get shanked or something. I don’t need another dead boss… and also most of these people are incompetent. Aside from the rabbit. He’s got some real sticky fingers… I can respect that.

Thankfully, before she could get too caught up in herself, she got a glimpse of something red in between a couple branches. Rex’s crimson scales came into view as she pulled apart the tree branches.

“Hey, boss, what the fuck is taking you so long?” Arandia said, stomping into the clearing. “You’ve been gone for like, twenty minutes, it can’t take that long to- oh.”

Rex had no pants on. He had no words- sheer embarrassment had completely frozen up his tongue- and it was a good thing he was already red, because otherwise his embarrassment would be very obvious.

And she could DEFINITELY see part of his junk.

Arandia paused for a brief moment, before turning away. “Damn, that looks like a crewmate I used to have. Uh, I’ll just be waiting a little bit away for you to put your pants back on, sorry about that.”

A couple minutes later, when Rex strode back out of the trees fully clothed, he turned to Arandia, a stern expression carved on his scaly face. “Something important happened a few minutes ago, which I will relate to the party when we get back. I fear we may be slightly in over our heads in this endeavor.”

What the hell is he talking about? “Must’ve been a wicked piss, huh.” Arandia grunted.

“NOT THAT!!” Rex growled, his voice cracking slightly- which Arandia had to try REALLY hard not to laugh at, it was adorable. “A literal goddess came to call on me, giving me some important information!”

Arandia couldn’t resist a chuckle. “...while you were taking a-”

Rex pointed to Arandia, waving his finger like scolding a child. “Not. One word about the circumstances. The rest of the party would never let me hear the end of it!”

The drider laughed, giving him a pat on the back. “Fine. My lips are sealed. Let’s just hope the rest of the Pantheon doesn’t show up while I’m taking a shit, or something.” Unfortunately, such a glimpse was not so easily erased from her memory. So that’s what dragonborn look like down there… Interesting. Heard about races with barbs, but… that looked like a lot more than I’ve heard other mercs talk about. They’re not usually that big, either…

Arandia turned around, remembering half of why she came in here in the first place. “Oh, that’s right. Did you happen to  see Celeste and Octavia anywhere? They’re still getting firewood…”

“What do you mean, they’re still not back yet?!” Rex groaned. “It can’t take that long to get firewood, can it?!”

Arandia sighed. Fuck me, we’re gonna have to look for them, aren’t we. God. Damnit.

As Khloe kneeled, trying in vain to clean the stain on the edge of the counter, her thoughts were elsewhere. She was worried, which wasn’t usual for her.

That blond knight calling himself Bard had been sniffing around the town recently for the party that’d recently been here. Of course, her and Kollin had played dumb as to any knowledge- he was a smooth enough talker that the oaf left none the wiser. Hopefully. They didn’t need the heat of the Empire coming down on them for ‘obstructing justice’- as loose as that definition could be. Even if Koboldia was technically outside of their borders, it would create a lot of unwanted attention- and that was the last thing she wanted.

After all, Kollin wasn’t the only one with a career choice less than up to board. An occasional thing to help supplement the bills. A simple reconnaissance post, reporting anything that sounded like it’d be of interest to her superiors. If that got out, it could end very messily.

She couldn’t focus on cleaning the stain off. The more she thought about it, the more intrigued and worried she became. Parties of adventurers passed through this place all the time, but they didn’t usually have Empire soldiers coming after them.

…I don’t want to disrupt what I’ve built here… I need to make a call. This seems like something the Sisterhood would want to hear about.

Quickly sneaking into a closet, she carefully pulled out a sending stone from her pocket, and whispered into it. “Let the eldest sister know- a party invitation’s been sent out.”

After a second, a low voice responded from the other side. “Thanks for the invitation. We’ll send out a dessert for the occasion shortly.” After that, the stone became inert again.

Phew. It’s out of my hands now. Hopefully this doesn’t make any trouble for me-

“Oh, Khloe? You’ve got to check out these new dice I got! They’ve got a new trick that I guarantee you NO ONE will spot!” Kollin’s voice came from the main bar, interrupting her reverie. He sounded excited- and it was infectious.

“Coming, hubby!!” Khloe returned to her usual chipper tone, sliding the stone back into her pocket. She would protect what she’d built here.

She had to.

Author's Note: Holy shit, the hit count spiked by almost 600 since the last chapter... the power of smut I suppose. Highly encourage comments if you liked it- it's always nice to hear!
Also, here's some art from @Dragon_Tamer8 of Kollin and Khloe! The sheer mismatch of these two is legendary, but that's just the start of the weird couples. MANY more to come in the future!!

Chapter Text

People of Gaia! We have made great bounds in furthering our word to the masses outside our borders. If all goes according to plan, the entire world will be united under our banner in a few years’ time- perhaps even less!

Unfortunately, worship of the old Pantheon continues- but we must not waver. If they truly still existed- why, then, have they not appeared to us here? I say, it is because they have disappeared! Absent gods have no need for worshippers, after all!

Remember- if you see something, say something! False god worship only undermines the true Prophet, and draws all of us away from the correct path towards prosperity and peace!

-Words from the Prophet Gaius, Green Deer Month

Agh, I HATE gathering firewood!

Celeste tried to bend down to pick up a stray stick, struggling not to drop the ones she was already holding- before dropping them anyway, groaning in frustration. This was not the type of task she was built for!Priestesses aren’t meant for manual labor! They’re meant for encouraging the people DOING manual labor!

Her robe was too long and kept getting into the mud all around, and she hated every second of it. Her waifish frame wasn’t meant for physical labor like this- but her and Octavia had drawn the short straws, and it wasn’t proper for a priestess of the Creator to argue with fate no matter how much she wanted to.

Though, Celeste was convinced that Usagi could tell which straw was shorter. He had sticky little fingers, she wouldn’t put it past him. Or Stephen could have disguised them with illusions? Or maybe Asteron was trying to teach her something about the value of hard work. Whatever the case, she was fuming.

Meanwhile, Octavia was treating this like it was the easiest job in the world, hefting heavy sticks in every one of those slimy tentacles of hers. “Man, you’re taking FOREVER to pick stuff up. Is that all those noodle arms can do?”

Celeste was struggling not to say some very priestly things to her, but managed to keep most of them in her head. “Of course it’s easy for YOU. You have eight extra arms to hold all this stuff with!” Celeste fumed, trying to maintain her composure.

Octavia, however, had a retort ready instantly. “Hey, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I have to taste this wood with my tentacles, you ever had splinters in your tongue? It’s not pleasant at ALL.” Totally ignoring Celeste’s obvious disgust at that statement, she continued in a mocking tone. “And besides, YOU have magic too. Can’t you just, like, levitate the sticks? Spacey told me you threw that idiot kobold around, that sounds FUN. I wish I could, then I could really knock some heads!”

“There’s a weight limit to this stuff!” Celeste fumed. “I can only lift so much with it at once, otherwise I drop it!”

“Well, that’s lame. Maybe you should get your god to give you better magic.” Octavia snarked.

“I can’t DO that. He gives me what I need at the moment, and nothing more! If everyone had as much magic as they wanted, the world would be a much more chaotic place.” Celeste said, attempting to hide her frustration with a serene, elven air- unfortunately such things were totally useless on people denser than a mountain.

“Well that sounds great, more chaos is always a good thing!” Octavia chirped, completely missing the point that Celeste was trying to get across. Before Celeste could respond to that, a voice broke through the trees to cut her off!

“Somebody help!!”

Celeste and Octavia stopped their arguing, and the elf turned around to look behind her. “Did you hear that?”

Octavia shrugged. “Eh, probably a trap. This forest’s too far away from the nearest town for somebody to wander in here by accident…”

“It’s not right to leave a potential person in distress!” Celeste announced. “It is one of my duties as the high priestess of Asteron! Surely your father has something to say about helping those in need!”

Octavia thought for a moment, then grinned evilly. “You’re right! If I save someone in need, I could get a new worshipper for Daddy’s cause!!” Octavia puffed up her chest in excitement. “Let’s go find whoever that was!! And if it’s a trap, I can slam them against a tree!!” With that, the octomaid ran off, cackling like a madwoman.

Celeste was utterly dumbfounded. That’s… not the best reasoning, but I suppose it’s better than nothing… Sighing loudly, she followed her clumsy companion deeper into the trees.

As Octavia and Celeste entered a conveniently placed clearing, the source of the sound became readily apparent. A little hobbit girl- sitting in the middle of the clearing, bawling her eyes out. She was wearing a tattered brown dress and small shoes. Her face had a largish nose and pudgy cheeks, and a head of brown curly hair. She was also currently bawling her eyes out. “WAAAH, I WANT MY MOMMY!!”

“Hey, little girl, what’s wrong?” Celeste rushed over, her better nature taking over almost instantly. “Are you lost?”

The little girl sat up and looked at her, her eyes wet with tears. “W-who’re you? Did the village send you to find me?”

“Actually, we’re travelling adventurers…” Celeste said, gently. “We just happened to be in the area.”

“You see, we’re on a great quest to cause as much chaos as humanly possible!” Octavia giggled. Celeste glared at her, but Octavia didn’t pay it any mind. Not everybody agrees with Daddy’s teachings, after all. She’ll come around eventually. Possibly.

“Oh.” The girl sounded rather nonplussed at both of their responses. “Can you take me back to my house? I’ve gotten really lost… this forest is really dark and I’m scaaaared!”

Never one to pass up a chance for a new convert, Celeste leapt on the opportunity instantly- making Octavia fume a little bit. Too slow. Darn it! “Never fear! It must be Asteron’s will that I was sent to rescue you!” Celeste beamed. “We’ll get you back to your home, safe and sound!”

The little girl seemed wholly unimpressed by her posturing. “Who’s Asteron? Never heard of him.” At that Octavia couldn’t resist letting out a loud guffaw.

Celeste’s eye twitched a little bit before she quickly pulled herself together. It’s fine. Not everybody is aware of His good word. That’s my job to fix! “Well, Asteron is the Creator of the universe, the earth, and everything around us!”

Octavia couldn’t resist taking the wind out of her self-important sails a little bit. “And he’s dead, supposedly…”

“No, he ISN’T!” Celeste whirled around, rage in her eyes. Sheesh, touchy, aren’t we? “He works in mysterious ways that are inscrutable to people like us!”

Octavia rolled her eyes. "At least MY dad has appeared in person! No wonder you're the only worshiper, if he can't even put in an appearance, how does he expect to get more?"

“You- listen here, you!!” Celeste’s eyes flashed with rage. “He’s far too busy handling all of existence to appear outside of important situations! I’m lucky to even get some words occasionally! I doubt your dad has anything as important to deal with!”

The octomaid was clenching her tentacles in increasing indignancy. “Hey, NOBODY insults Daddy! Chaos is a part of life everywhere, being the god of it is a very busy job! And he’s still sealed on Deus Mons, but still finds the time to come visit me occasionally, like a couple weeks ago on the boat! Where’s YOUR god’s excuse, huh?”

Celeste sighed, attempting to resume her usual serene look, but it wasn’t working well in the face of their mutual increasing rage. “Oh, you sweet summer child, you have yet to-”

“I am an ADULT, thank you very much!” Octavia snapped.

Celeste marched up to her and shoved an accusing finger towards her face, like a kid accusing another of stealing their cookie. “You certainly don’t act like it. And I’m older than you!”

“Really. How old, then?” Octavia mocked. “You LOOK like somebody who drank all the water from a fountain of youth!”

“I’m an ELF! We’re naturally skinny!!” Celeste paused. How old was she, really? She couldn’t even remember anymore, it’d been so long since she’d last thought about it. “And anyway, that’s RUDE, to ask a lady her age!”

Octavia put her webbed hand on her chin in a pondering gesture, getting totally distracted from the matter at hand. She looks younger than my mom, so she’s gotta be younger than her at least… though, she’s been around since the Shattering, so that doesn’t exactly help… hm.

“Are you two done arguing yet?!” The child snapped, clearly getting quite agitated. “I’ve been wandering around this forest for hours! I’d really like to be somewhere warm for a change!!”

“Yes, yes…” Octavia couldn’t help but be slightly disappointed that there’d be no violence that day. Oh well. Maybe next time. Short people are always fun to toss around. I wonder if Usagi would let me practice on him if I asked…

Before they could leave the clearing, Celeste stopped. Her head hurt, all of sudden- and she knew what that meant, as a booming voice invaded her head.

BE WARY, FOR DANGER’S JUST A STEP AWAY. HOBBIT HABITS SHALL SHOW YOU THE WAY.  

Asteron! Whenever he contacted her, it was always for something very important. The cryptic proclamation was over as quickly as it had arrived, but she knew it was referring to imminent danger. She took a look at the little girl again. At first glance, Celeste couldn’t tell anything was off- but Asteron was never wrong.

“Octavia, come here for a second!” Thankfully, the octomaid listened to her, rushing over and leaving the kid a short distance away.

“Hey!! Where are you going?!” The girl whined.

“Gimme a second, I have some chaotic prayers to do! You know how it is, you have to do it at a different time every day, otherwise it’s too consistent!” Octavia said, which seemed to placate her for the time being.

After she got closer, Celeste pointed at the little girl and whispered, “Something’s wrong with that kid!”

Octavia groaned, clearly exasperated with the proceedings. “Weren’t YOU the one telling me earlier to not be all weird about this? And that investigating was the ‘duty of Astalon-’

The elf priestess huffed in annoyance. “It is pronounced ASTERON!” Celeste had no idea if Octavia was mispronouncing the name on purpose or not- and frankly at the moment she didn’t care. “And, well, he just told me that something’s not right about her! We have to figure it out!

“Want me to slam her against a tree to figure out if she’s a fake?” Octavia grinned, clearly way too ready to enact some gratuitous violence.

Celeste shook her head. “What? No! We have to prove that she’s up to no good!”

Octavia pouted in response. “Hmph. Killjoy.” 

Hm… there has to be something wrong. Think, Celeste, think! What do you know about hobbits?  Try as she might, she couldn’t think of anything. Perhaps she was on the wrong track… And Octavia certainly wouldn’t be of any help. That woman can’t think her way out of a burlap sack!

“Are we gonna go already?! My feet hurt from walking around all day!” The little girl groaned, interrupting Celeste’s line of thought- and an idea began to form.

Feet? “Wait…” A realization came, like a light breaking into a dark cave and signalling the way out! Celeste pointed to the hobbit girl. “I’ve figured it out! You’re wearing SHOES!!”

“Shoes! Right! Uh… what does that mean?” Octavia said, tilting her head like a confused puppy- an expression shared with the little hobbit girl.

Celeste was more than happy to shine the light of intelligence into this fog of idiocy and deceit. “Hobbits don’t wear shoes, their feet are hairy enough that they can just walk on everything!”

She didn’t know how she knew that- some long distant memory, perhaps? But she just felt like she knew. Whatever, the how’s not important right now! 

“That’s ridiculous! I always wear shoes! They’re comfortable! Would YOU want to constantly expose your feet to the elements?” The little girl said, sounding a little worried.

“If we take off her shoes, we’ll reveal the deception- and if I’m wrong, then we’ll take you back home safe and sound. Octavia, would you do the honors?”

Octavia shrugged, clearly happy to have an excuse for some mayhem. “Sure. C’mere you!”

“What?! Put me down!!” The girl cried, attempting to escape- but Octavia’s tentacles were too fast. One wound around her ankle, then roughly yanked up the short girl. With a quick twist of her suckered limb, she wrenched the shoe right off!

Her foot was very odd- the toes were fused together into a singular block, and there were no wrinkles or footprints on it whatsoever! But, most importantly- it was as bare as a bald man’s head!

“I knew it!” Celeste announced triumphantly. “You’re no hobbit, but you ARE a liar! Reveal your true form!!”

“...curses.” The little girl’s voice had turned to an emotionless monotone. None of the bawling or indignant tone was there before- and Celeste didn’t like that one bit. “I was SO close! If you hadn’t checked…” But, if an actual hobbit had found her, they’d probably have noticed too. She doesn’t seem particularly bright.

Octavia hurriedly let the girl go with a cry of pain, flailing angrily. “OW! Little brat stabbed my tentacle!” She screeched.

As the child leapt away, it began to twitch and deform, as the magic that concealed her true visage fell away! An illusion! Asteron’s wisdom was correct as always! She’d certainly use this to get a leg up on arguing with Octavia- but that was for later. Right now, they had a threat to deal with!

Her skin was pale enough to resemble porcelain, and her limbs had ball-joints like a doll. Her dress was black and purple, with plenty of lacy edges on it. Her hair was long and black, and extremely well-maintained. The right side of her face was horrifically cracked, like a vase thrown out a window by a squabbling spouse- which made her piercing, artificial eyes with slight eyelashes and totally vacant-looking grin even more threatening.

“AAAAAAAARGH!” the doll girl raged. “This isn’t FAIR! This plan would have been PERFECT if not for YOU! All I had to do was impersonate a missing little girl, then have somebody take me back so I could get inside! It was SO EASY, and you two had to RUIN IT!!” Despite her rage-filled tone, her face didn’t change from the simple grin it had on- which somehow made her even creepier.

“How dare you take advantage of my better nature!” Celeste snapped. “It’s people like you that make good samaritans so rare!! Now, who are you?”

The doll-girl giggled madly, her expression still unchanged. “I am Doppel, daughter of the Greatest Witch, Gothal- and I can’t let you leave here alive after you’ve exposed my plan!” Doppel brandished her arm, out of which a hidden blade emerged!

“Soooo… is violence okay now?” Octavia said, grinning in a crazed fashion.

“In this specific case, yes.” Celeste was hesitant to encourage such behavior, but this individual had already proven herself to be a severe threat.

“WOOHOO! Let’s see how many more cracks I can put in that doll face!!” Octavia giggled, whipping out her smiling flail. “C’MERE, YOU!”

As soon as she’d finished yelling, Octavia opened the battle by swinging her flail at Doppel wildly, but the doll-girl nimbly backflipped out of the way of the nasty weapon. “You’re as clumsy as a fish out of water!” Doppel giggled.

“OCTOPUSES! AREN’T! FISH!!” Octavia raged, smashing her flail into a nearby tree in an attempt to catch the doll under it- but no such luck, as she was too fast. “They’re SO much cooler, with their tentacles and beaks and-”

“No matter what they are, they’re still UGLY!” Doppel darted forward and landed a nasty stab wound on Octavia’s stomach before retreating to a safer distance. THankfully, Celeste was there to quickly patch up the wound- a fact that Doppel didn’t look pleased about.

“Don’t worry about her little knives- just get ahold of her and do some damage!” Celeste said, raising her staff to emit a warm, healing wave. She doesn’t have any ranged attacks. As long as we can land some good hits, this shouldn’t be too difficult… hopefully.

“A healer, huh? Better take YOU out first, otherwise this’ll take FOREVER!” Giggling madly, Doppel leapt at Celeste, ready to sink her blade into the elf’s chest. Celeste moved to block the blade with her staff, but before she could, Octavia had whipped out a tentacle to smack the doll away!

“Hey, eyes on the prize! You’re like a light little twig with a knife.” Octavia flashed a toothy grin. “This’ll be EASY, especially since I don’t have to keep you alive afterwards! You’re really stupid to go up against somebody with eight extra arms if you’re that weak and easily smackable!” The octomaid cackled as she wound up for another sweeping swing with her flail.

It can’t be this easy, can it? Something about this situation made Celeste worried.

“That was a LUCKY hit.” Doppel mused. “And you, elf. You’re the High Priestess of Asteron, right? Gothal told me that if I ever met you… oh, that’s right, you were to be killed by any means necessary! If I’m the one to kill you, Mistress Gothal will praise me even more!” ” The cheery tone never left the doll’s voice as she continued rambling.

“Gothal? Who’s that?” Celeste shot back. If she’s anything like the last one, maybe I can get her to give something away!

Doppel, unfortunately, was not going to fall for such easy bait. “You’re not going to catch me monologuing, old lady! Why should I tell you any of that when you’ll be DEAD soon?!”

“OLD?! I am NOT old!” In a fit of rage, Celeste unleashed her lifting magic to grab Doppel- and surprisingly, it worked, as Celeste lifted her up slammed her into the forest floor. Wow, she’s really light… this’ll be easier than I thought!

However, Doppel merely got up and dusted herself off, little worse for wear- and worse, she was laughing, which sent a chill up Celeste’s spine. “Heh heh heh, HAHAHAHAHA!!” Doppel cackled. “You think it’ll be that easy to kill me?! You both are stupider than I thought!”

She raised her hands, and dark energy coursed through her body! And before long, another Doppel stepped out from behind the first one. And another. Then another still. Before long, there were five Doppels in the clearing, blades revealed, ready for attack!

“Oh. Oh, this can’t be good.” Celeste raised her staff in a defensive stance- one was pathetic, but five? She couldn’t lift more than one at once, and given how fast the doll-girl was already…

Octavia looked confused for a moment. “Wait, this is just like that other guy. The little scaly one… this’ll be easy- ACK!” Before the octomaid could finish her sentence, three of the clones had rushed at her, knives out and ready for a slaughter!

“What, you’re thinking of that idiot Kobra? I’m WAY better than he is! All of MY copies are real! And you’ll never be able to deal with them all by yourselves!!” Doppel giggled. “It’s game over for you all!!”

“You little-! You won’t be laughing when I smash your faces all over the ground!!” Octavia growled, as she grabbed one of the clones and squeezed its head so hard it cracked- but that didn’t do anything to stop the rest of them, who continued setting upon her with a giggling, violent fervor! Meanwhile, the remaining two dashed towards Celeste, who reflexively put up her staff to defend against them-

And the knives bounced off a wall of energy that had formed itself around the elf.

“What?! A shield? That’s not fair!” Doppel complained. “Come on, put that down and let me stab you already!”

I- I didn’t know I could do that… Celeste thought quickly. Was it a gift from Asteron, perhaps? It wouldn’t last forever, as with every slash, she could feel her reserves of energy weakening! As Celeste blocked Doppel’s furious assault with her barrier, another twinge in her head came… more wisdom from the Creator!

Limitless magic does not exist. Find the method, and you shall resist.

“Well, that’s awfully clear compared to the usual…” Celeste muttered, quickly trying to put together what it could possibly mean. There has to be a trick… she can’t just keep making infinite copies of herself… there has to be a limit!

“It’s been a while since Mistress had an elf to play with… if I can get you to her alive, she’ll be SO happy!” Doppel cackled. “If you put down that stupid barrier, I promise it’ll only hurt a little bit!”

In a fit of panic, Celeste lowered the barrier and raised her staff to grab one of the two clones targeting her with lifting magic- and quickly slammed it into the other one, with a satisfying CRACK and grunts of pain! The head of the doll she’d smashed fell off and cracked to pieces, and a dark cloud emerged, quickly darting into one of the other bodies that currently had Octavia pinned!

What? That was way too easy… but she only got fragile after she split up like this… I’ve got it!! “Octavia! I’ve figured it out!! She can’t keep making more of herself without making the copies weaker! One good hit on all of them and she’ll be as good as defeated!”

“That’s great, can you GET THESE LITTLE JERKS OFF OF ME?!” Octavia screeched.

Celeste quickly let out a beam of light from her staff and tossed the other free body at a clone that had grabbed the octomaid’s arm- their bodies were so hard, slamming them together was enough to smash them to pieces! “They’re so hard, they can’t take impacts from each other!”

“What?! You- you can’t do that!! I’m supposed to be invincible, cloning infinitely!” Doppel screeched. “You’re not gonna win so easily!!” Stomping her foot, even more additional bodies appeared beside her and converged on the duo!

“Ohh, I get it.” Octavia, totally ignoring all the stab wounds on her torso and body, grabbed several of the dolls near her with tentacles, and grinned. “GO BACK TO YOUR DOLLHOUSE, LITTLE GIRLS!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Octavia cackled madly as she smashed body after body with all the grace and satisfaction of a kid destroying someone else’s tower of blocks.

Celeste, meanwhile, was busy mopping up any stragglers- since there were so many of them, they were easily smashed to angry little shards as she tossed them any way she could think of. Before long, there was only one left… and despite not being able to emote being scared with her static doll face, the way she cowered more than gave it away. 

Doppel’s last remaining body hurried to try and run away, but a quick smack from Octavia’s tentacle put a stop to that, sending her sprawling to the floor. “Ha! You talked a pretty big game for such a little brat.” Octavia taunted, blowing a raspberry. “But really, you’re just as pathetic as that other guy! Wimp.”

Celeste, however, was more attentive, using her magic to lift the light doll off the ground. After expending all that energy, she must be heavily weakened. “Now. Where’s that little girl?!” Celeste pointed at her accusingly. “And don’t even think about lying, or my companion here will do something nasty to you!”

Octavia giggled madly, eager to inflict even more mayhem on the doll-girl. “That’s right, I could tear your arm off if I wanted! Or your leg, or any number of things!” Octavia slid up to the suspended girl and rapped her fist against her back, which made a hollow sound. “You probably don’t have blood or flesh, since you’re a doll, but it’ll still hurt a LOT, I bet!”

Unlike Kobra, who cracked almost instantly under pressure, Doppel remained stern.

“HA! You’ll never know where the abandoned mansion she’s being kept in is! My lips are sealed!!”

Celeste had to try really hard not to laugh at that statement. The Seven really seem to have a problem with minions who give too much away… But she seems like a tougher nut to crack than the others. “Hmph. So be it.

After all that magic you used, you must be really spent… So, I’ll just take you back to the rest of the party, and we can decide what to do with you-”

“Leaving so soon?”

A very deep voice from an unseen man interrupted their victory- and something about it sent a deep chill up Celeste’s spine. The mysterious intruder stepped into the clearing, his imposing figure becoming more clear. He resembled a dark elf, with skin like ash and a long, pointed nose. A long, red cape flowed behind him. His wavy, reddish orange hair flowed like a raging inferno. He was totally shirtless- and a zig-zagging, bright scar in the shape of a ‘Z’ stood out from his torso, as if lightning had carved it into his flesh.

Most striking, however, was the crimson gemstone embedded in his forehead, glowing veins extending from it. And it looked very familiar to Celeste- whose worry only increased at seeing such a thing. That- that looks like the one on my staff! How does- why- huh?! Something about this man was very familiar- but what? Celeste had no idea- but just being around him made her head hurt.

The dark elf grinned, like an apex predator who’d just happened upon an injured creature separated from its herd. “Celeste, High Priestess of Asteron… I’ve been waiting for you.”

Celeste raised her staff defensively. “Who are you?! I’ve never met you before, how do you know my name?!” She looked at the suspended Doppel, glaring at her angrily. “This isn’t one of your fellow evil minions, is he?”

“What?! I have no idea who that is!” Doppel complained. “Hey, you, think you could beat up this elf and get me out of here?!” For his part, the dark elf proceeded to totally ignore her.

“Of course you’ve forgotten me. That’s how it always is, isn’t it?” The dark elf’s face twisted into a massive snarl as he clenched his hand into a tight fist, dark magical energy crackling around it. “Then I’ll just have to make a stronger impression this time, WON’T I?”

Before Celeste could react, the marauder had rushed forward faster than she could blink, and slammed his clenched fist directly into her stomach, knocking the wind out of her!

As she slumped against the tree, her concentration faded, and Doppel fell to the floor. Thankfully, the doll-girl elected to merely run away instead of taking the opportunity to shank one of them- but that was a small mercy at the moment. Celeste struggled to concentrate through the pain as the man stood over her, cackling. “That power you possess- you don’t deserve it. It is rightfully MINE!”

“Now then, I do hope you’ll be cooperative. Anything you can tell us about your fellow minions’ plans would be very useful.” Khalib was sitting on a chair in Governor Seozay’s office- she’d generously lent her closet to contain a certain rather pathetic prisoner.

The attempted assassin Kobra was currently tied to another chair, all his smoke bombs and shuriken taken away- Khalib had been very thorough searching his person, in order to prevent any other incidents. But just in case, Seozay was there, keeping a watchful eye to make sure he didn’t pull any more shenanigans. 

Even with no obvious means of escape or sabotage, however, Kobra still spat his proverbial venom at every opportunity. “I won’t tell you a thing! You’ll never get any info about my mistress out of me!”

“Mithra, yes…” Khalib grimaced at that name. The purple dragon that had taken over his kingdom and was currently driving it into the dirt… his blood boiled at the thought. If I ever meet her, I hope I’m at least carrying some dragonsbane on my person. But he couldn’t afford to let that anger overtake him. Not yet. He had an interrogation to take care of first.

“Well, if you don’t want to volunteer that information, I could always let my friend eat you. But that wouldn’t be very helpful for either of us, would it?” Khalib said calmly. “After all, it’s only thanks to my persuasion that you’re still among the living. Correct, governor?”

Seozay lowered her head towards the snivelling kobold, her maw crackling with the sound of electricity. “Cough it up, little brat. I could swallow you in an instant- and after what you tried to pull last time, you don’t want to test me.”

“You wouldn’t- you wouldn’t want to eat me! I’m quite poisonous!” Kobra stammered, desperate to come up with any excuse that might save his tiny green ass.

“Then I could merely strike you with lightning until you’re a twitching heap. Would that be any better for you?” Seozay growled, her patience running as thin as a sheet of paper.

“EEK!!” Kobra cowered.

Oh dear. Perhaps I should rein this in a bit… if he’s dead, after all, he can’t tell us anything…

“You heard the lady. Perhaps you should volunteer something before we’re forced into drastic action.” Khalib glared, adjusting his glasses in as menacing a manner as he could muster.

“Mithra doesn’t tell me anything outside of what I’m assigned to do! I swear!!” Kobra blubbered. “I was just assigned to kill you!”

Honestly, I could believe that. This one cracks so easily under pressure, he might be more fragile than a house made of paper.

“I’m getting tired of hearing that.” Seozay grumbled, turning to Khalib with an annoyed look. “If this one can’t give us any useful knowledge, why are we keeping him around, again? I’m sure he’d be just as useful in a grave.”

Khalib let out a disappointed sigh. “I suppose you’re right. All right, Governor, you can eat him…” Of course, I know she won’t. It’s merely the ‘good officer, bad officer’ act. But he doesn’t know that…

Kobra shrieked in pure terror, his voice cracking comedically as he struggled against his bonds. “Wait! Please wait! I do know one thing! Something’s supposed to happen at the end of this year! But I don’t know what! Please don’t kill me!”

That got Khalib’s attention. “Really. This year. And you’re SURE you don’t know anything else?” It is the year 999… next year would be one thousand. I wonder if that’s significant.

“I swear on my Mistress’s name, I don’t!!” Kobra continued to stammer frantically, sending spittle everywhere- and Khalib had to carefully wipe some off his glasses. Hmph. It’s not like that oath is worth much. But that’s probably as much as we’re going to get out of him at the moment.

A few minutes later, after Khalib had shoved the tied-up kobold back into the closet, he was leaning up against the governor’s side, enjoying a nice cup of tea. It was more comfortable than any chair, honestly. “Dear me, my nephew and his merry band seem to have gotten themselves embroiled in quite the mess… it was only a matter of time, really.” Khalib rubbed his chin pensively.

“Frankly, I’m amazed he hasn’t gotten himself killed already. Lady Luck is clearly favoring him to some degree.” Seozay huffed indignantly. “It must be that oath to Drakoth he swore…”

“As long as it gives him the motivation to continue, at least.” Khalib sighed. “Still, they might be in over their heads. I’ll have to see if I can contact… him.”

Seozay leaned in closer, squinting at him. “And who would that be, perchance?”

That one… it’ll be quite a task getting him to aid my nephew. “The last successor of Dragonia’s Honor Guard… Exirion Uroseth. Truthfully, he’s one of the dragonborn in existence, possessing the bloodline of a Mercury Dragon- the descendant of the only line with such abilities.”

Seozay took a big slurp of coffee. “Ah, him. From what little I’ve seen of him, he’s quite a headstrong fellow. If you know an ally this powerful, why have you not gotten his aid earlier? Perhaps it could save us all some trouble.”

Khalib shrugged. “I have tried. Unfortunately, since Dragonia’s fall, his respect for the kingdom has diminished a bit to say the least. All my attempts at contacting him have been rebuffed with gusto. However, if Rex is the one to ask him, he may be convinced yet. There is a longstanding oath of loyalty between his clan and ours… In the meantime, I have many things I must attend to. Strings to pull, favors to call in, all that.”

“Well, you don’t have to leave so quickly.It’s been such a while since your last visit, too.” Seozay grinned, nuzzling him gently.

Khalib sighed. By dragon standards, she was extremely subtle- but her size still made her an intimidating presence. “I suppose I could wait a little longer. My nephew’s in safer hands than usual, after all. That drider in particular is a better bodyguard than any I could possibly find…”

“Getting ideas for a future queen, are we?” Seozay chuckled. She may have been all business most of the time, but not even she was immune to the occasional bit of mirth.

The older kobold laughed. “Nonsense, surely. Some people simply work better together than others. Not many can take on a chimera together and survive. Though I wouldn’t be opposed to her being a potential marriage candidate either.” Khalib took another sip of his tea. “The chances of him finding another dragon to bolster the family line is slim at best- he doesn’t have quite the right temperament to handle such matters with the delicacy they deserve. An unfortunate deficiency in royal education, I suppose.”

Seozay grinned slyly. “Goodness, I do hope you’re not trying to set ME up with him. He’s far too headstrong.”

Khalib couldn’t resist laughing in response. “Well, you have been single for the last fifty years.”

“Running an entire town and raising a son means you don’t usually have time to go looking for companionship.”

“Oh, I don’t think I need to go looking very far.” Seozay gently nudged the back of his head, her hot breath blowing over Khalib and fogging up his glasses. “You should take a rest. There’s always extra room in this house…”

Khalib returned the gentle nuzzle to Seozay’s large snout. “Well, what kind of gentleman would refuse such a polite offer?”

Author's Note: This took a hot minute to write, and also I had to cut the chapter in half *again* because it was too long. So you get this. Enjoy the cliffhanger!
ALSO, Doppel art from @Dragon_Tamer8. It turned out SO well, please give him a follow!!

Chapter Text

Wanted Dead or Alive: Arandia Eightlegs
Crimes: Theft, Murder, Excessive Drunkenness, Jailbreaking
Reward: 10,000 Gold
Extremely strong, will most likely require significant force to deal with.

Wanted Dead or Alive: Stephen Myer
Crimes: Heresy, Penning Indecent Literature
Reward: 1,000 Gold
Do not be swayed by his words of seduction and love. It is a trap.

Wanted Dead or Alive: Usagi Dorobo
Crimes: Theft, Grand Larceny, Jailbreaking, Indecent Exposure
Reward: 5,000 Gold
If captured alive, keep a constant watch. He has been known to escape repeatedly from any cell.

Wanted Dead: Octavia Z’Rathi
Crimes: Heresy, False God Worship, Property Damage
Reward: 1,000,000 Gold
Attacking from a distance is advised, given her extreme strength and unpredictability.

Wanted Alive: Unidentified Pink Construct
Crimes: Extreme Property Damage
Reward: 10,000,000 Gold
All damage to this unit will be deducted from the reward. Finesse is advised in order to maintain optimal condition.

-Wanted Posters for the Empire

All of these have been sighted recently travelling with Rex Brimstone and Celeste Cherie, both high-value targets. If sighted, please contact your local Iron Watch garrison or a higher-ranking Empire official- do NOT engage by yourself, they are highly dangerous!

-Notice to Empire Soldiers

“With your death, the ultimate power shall belong to Zehrion, the Destroyer!”

Octavia was very confused. Some dark elf had come in and punched Celeste hard enough to make her cough up blood, and was gloating about ‘ultimate power’ or something. But she wasn’t at all impressed by this guy’s boasting, to say the least.

Really, man? Punching out an elf’s not too difficult, she’s practically a stick. Let’s see how he fares against somebody who can actually FIGHT… and, more importantly, she’s one of the two people that’ll take down the Empire according to dad.

Octavia casually tapped the mysterious on the shoulder with a tentacle. “Hey, creepy guy. Daddy said she’s pretty important, sooooo… I’m gonna need you to lay off her, ‘kay?”

Zehrion regarded her with a mixture of pure disinterest and boredom, and it “I have no quarrel with you, child of chaos. Walk away, and you can-” Before the man could finish his sentence, Octavia had smashed her smiling flail across his stoic face!

“And pass up an opportunity to show that Daddy’s powers are better than hers?! No way!” Octavia flashed a crazed grin, and began swinging her flail around wildly. “Why waste your time fighting that weak little elf when you’ve got a better opponent right here? C’mon, let’s see what you’re made of, tough guy!”

The dark elf looked at her, his eyes filled with a quiet rage- her blow hadn’t even knocked him off his feet. Jeez, what kind of guy barely reacts to being hit in the face like that? Talk about a buzzkill. “So be it. Anyone who interrupts my mission shall be crushed to dust!” He tried to pull the same rushing punch technique that’d knocked Celeste down- but the octomaid was a far more wily foe, whipping out her tentacles to grab him and slam him down to the floor.

She laughed, totally unimpressed at his lack of proper challenge. “Ha! Is that ALL you’ve got?” With one fluid motion, Octavia parted the tentacles that made up her lower half, and revealed her trump card- a gnashing, drooling beak!

“If all you can do is punch really hard, then all I have to do is get rid of those pesky arms, don’t I?” Octavia giggled. Before Zehrion could escape, she yanked his arm under the sheaf of tentacles- and with one, sickening crunch, she bit down on his arm.

Blegh, this guy tastes terrible! He reeks of some kind of magic I’ve never seen before… definitely not infernal power.

The dark elf growled in anger, wrenching his other arm free from her tentacles and slugging her in the chest, making Octavia wince and stumble back from him. “That said… wow, that’s a good punching arm… too bad you only have ONE!”

“You are strong, indeed.” Zehrion gasped in pain and clutched his broken, bleeding arm, which was newly sporting a nasty, deep bite. “Then I shall stop holding back against you, and give you a taste of true power!”

Octavia cackled madly, her eyes shining with the glee of an arsonist who’d found an abandoned grass hut. “Wow, you’re really pathetic, aren’t you? You’ve only got one arm, you think that’ll be enough to take me on? I’ve got EIGHT- wait, no, NINE MORE arms than you right now! But I won’t just rip off your other hand, I’ll just go for your head instead!”

Zehrion smiled, and merely waved his other arm. With that, two more arms made of energy appeared from his shoulders, and he rushed at her!

That’s a lame party trick. Ooh, you think ‘cause you’ve got extra arms that you’re so special? Octavia attempted to grab the energy arms, but her tentacles went right through them! “What?! That’s cheating, you- GNGH!” She was cut off by those same arms punching her directly in the face, with far more force than one would expect given that they were technically not solid. She spat out one of her teeth. “Oh, that’s a fun trick, huh? Fine!”

I can’t summon the Astral Kraken yet… it’s too soon after the last time, if I wake him up AGAIN, he’ll be really cranky, and that never turns out well. Only way to do this is with a good old slugfest!
Thinking quickly, Octavia tried to slam her flail into his chest, but was foiled by him simply catching it with one of his energy arms- and no matter how hard she yanked at it, she couldn’t get her weapon free of his iron grip.

Zehrion chuckled. “You are a wily foe indeed, but you are nothing compared to the pure power of destruction!” Yanking the chain forward to draw her in, he followed up his boast with a solid punch to her jaw, sending her sprawling to the forest floor!

Rex and Arandia were trying to find their lost compatriots in the stand of trees, and so far their search was proving to be rather fruitless, much to their aggravation. He sighed. I’m going to have to invest in sending stones at this rate for the party. Getting lost is far too frequent an occurrence!

Arandia stared at him as they shoved their way through the trees. “You, uh, seem a bit tense.”

“It’s nothing that concerns you.” Rex muttered. He’d tell the party about Evelice’s visit later, but right now he needed to get his thoughts in order.

Arandia, however, was not satisfied with such a noncommittal answer. “If this is about getting a look at your-”

“IT IS NOT ABOUT THAT!” Rex snapped, before willing himself to regain his regal composure. Though her opinion on his endowment did bring him some anxiety, he had bigger things to occupy his mind. “Apologies. Something larger has come up, and I shall need some time to think about it, that is all.”

He couldn’t get that warning that Evelice had given him out of his head. For all our sakes, keep an eye on that elf. She's more important than any of you realize. Celeste, who up until now had merely been a decently useful ally with an airheaded streak… was important enough that the top goddess of the Pantheon was concerned for her welfare? That fact bothered Rex. And he didn’t like it. 

Suddenly, a scream of pain pierced the silence of the woods, instantly snapping Rex out of his thoughts!

“What the fuck was that?” Arandia grunted, drawing her sword in preparation for a scuffle.

“That was… Octavia’s voice! And Celeste is with her!” Rex thought back to Evelice’s warning, and a chill ran up his spine. If she’s really as important as that goddess says… He didn’t want to think about what the end of that sentence was. “Hurry, those two could be in trouble!” Rex started to make his way towards the direction of the noise, but was stopped by a quick yank on his cape from the drider.

“Hate to break it to ya, but you’re not fast enough by yourself, remember? Get on.” Arandia lowered her abdomen expectantly- and this time, Rex had no hesitation about getting on. Albeit, making sure to keep his hands in proper designated areas to prevent any lewd misunderstandings, this time.

“Right! Let us hurry! We don’t want to lose our healer, or one of our strongest warriors!” Rex announced.

“Right. Hang on!” Arandia took off in a hurry, crashing her way through the many branches in her way!

For the first time in a while, Rex prayed. To whom, he had no idea, but he hoped someone was listening. I dearly hope I’m not too late…

Celeste was not doing well at the moment. She was, quite frankly, terrified.

“You fought well, spawn of chaos. But you are nothing compared to me.” Zehrion raised his working arm, surrounded with dark, crackling magical energy. It resembled flames, but she could tell just by looking that it was something altogether much worse.

Octavia, one of her strongest companions, was lying knocked out on the forest floor, and she had no idea where the rest of her allies were. And this mysterious Zehrion was currently attempting to finish the job and take the octomaid out of the fight permanently. But… she still had her staff. She could still do something.

No- no time to wait for a message from Asteron, I have to help… right now!

Quickly, she raised her staff and emitted a small burst of healing magic. It wouldn’t be enough to get Octavia up and running again, but it’d stabilize her, at least. Unfortunately, the dark elf noticed almost instantly.

No time! Before Zehrion could turn around, Celeste staggered to her feet, and hefted her staff- and slammed it into the back of Zehrion’s head with a loud thud! But, it wasn’t even enough to shake him. Fortunately, he had stopped looking at Octavia- Unfortunately, he was now focused on her again- and she didn’t expect her chances to be any better.

“So you are stronger than I expected.” With a simple backhand, he sent her flying, her staff clattering uselessly away. She couldn’t hope to beat him in a physical fight- but she’d bought time for her allies to possibly arrive, and that was enough, she hoped.

Celeste remained defiant, even as blood trickled out of her mouth from the earlier blow. “Shouldn’t underestimate a healer… ACK!”

Zehrion lifted Celeste by the neck with one hand, grinning evilly, his eyes glowing a piercing red. His dismal visage struck terror into her soul- for the first time in recent memory, Celeste was scared- scared of dying. “Pathetic. You are not fit for your position. The Creator has forsaken you. You shall never understand the true potential of that power you hold!” His hand surged with dark magic, and he gripped her neck tighter, trying to force what breath remained out of her.

Can’t- can’t breathe… Without her staff, her magic was completely useless- so all she could do was struggle uselessly against Zehrion’s choking grip.

All of a sudden, a thunderous crash sounded through the trees! Arandia suddenly barged through the trees behind Zehrion, with Rex in tow, axe at the ready, growling in pure rage! Joy rose in Celeste’s heart as she saw her allies loom up behind the threatening dark elf. “Y-you guys!” She gasped.

“THESE PEOPLE ARE UNDER MY PROTECTION! NOW, YOU SHALL FACE THE WRATH OF BRIMSTONE!!” With that, Rex leaped off Arandia’s back and slammed his axe into Zehrion’s back before he even had a chance to respond!

Stephen was starting to get very worried. 

More than half of the party was missing, and they hadn’t come back yet. Celeste and Octavia had gone in to get firewood, and Rex and Arandia had followed them in afterwards. Now, there was no sign of any of them. He didn’t like that one bit.

Meanwhile, Spacey and Usagi seemed totally unconcerned, busy arguing about ideals of love and romance.

Spacey was leaning back, kicking her feet up. “Usagi, romance is not always about getting laid! It’s about trust! Honesty! Affection! Being provided for by a big strong man! Things that I’m not sure your addled brain could understand!”

The harengon merely shrugged. “No, I don’t think I could. You’re starting to sound like my ex.”

Spacey was refusing to let this go.“Maybe there’s a REASON she’s your ex!!”

Usagi sighed. “I’d bet you money that this dragon you’re on about will toss you out flat on your rear.”

“I’ll take that bet!!” Spacey said, in a tone that would have suggested spitting if she had a mouth. “But if I win, you have to do something for ME. Oh, what to pick… you have to do the cute voice. ”

Usagi’s ears perked up, and his usual unflappable tone gained a worried tinge. “How’d you- how’d you know about that?”

“Oh, Celeste told me you charmed a guard with it. It sounds adorable. So, if I win, you have to say that you’re very sorry, and that Spacey is the prettiest princess ever, all in that voice.”

Usagi chuckled. “You know what? I’ll take that bet. Thief’s honor.”

Wait, but thieves don’t have honor… Stephen took another look at the stand of trees. Still no sign of the rest of the party. I do hope something hasn’t happened. After the last time Rex and Arandia went into the forest, I’m worried this might be becoming a trend.

His worry and impatience got the better of him, and he spoke up.“Ahem. I’m starting to get worried about the others… Perhaps we should investigate?”

“Ah, but then who would guard the transport?” Usagi said, looking in no hurry to go anywhere.

“I am perfectly capable of defending myself, thank you.” Sulvan said, with his usual bored tone.

Stephen was getting increasingly perturbed at the deafening silence coming from those woods. “Be that as it may, something’s not right about this-”

Suddenly, a little girl burst from the trees, stumbling and tripping- and ran directly into Sulvan’s leg. “OW! Get- get out of my way, you big, ugly oaf!”

Sulvan let out a resigned sigh. Before the doll-girl could even move, Sulvan had raised his leg and slammed his large, two-toed foot down on the little girl, trapping her underneath it!

“HEY! LET ME GO, YOU BIG, SMELLY BEAST!” The doll thrashed, but Sulvan’s foot was far too heavy for her to move an inch.

“I don’t get paid enough to deal with people like this.” Sulvan said, his usual monotone taking on an annoyed flavor. He turned to the other three. “Do you three need something from this one?” The remaining three party members approached the trapped doll-girl, in varying states of confusion.

“Wow, she looks like a doll. I wonder if…” Spacey knocked on her forehead. “Yep, she’s hollow all right in there. She’s so cute!!”

“ONLY MISTRESS GOTHAL IS ALLOWED TO CALL ME CUTE!!” The doll-girl screeched. “LET ME GO!!”

Something about this doesn’t seem right… “You. Where are our other party members?” Stephen said.

“Ha! They’re probably dead, if that creepy guy in the forest had anything to say about it! I have no idea who he is, but if you want to save your friends, you’d better stop paying attention to me and go grab ‘em!” The doll-girl huffed.

Stephen couldn’t shake that worry out of his mind, and what this doll was saying just confirmed it. “Usagi, Spacey, I believe our compatriots are in trouble. We should investigate. But before we go- Usagi, tie her up. I sense as though we shouldn’t let her go very far.”

“Indeed, she may provide some useful information.” Usagi fetched a rope from the vehicle. He made quick work of the task, and before long the doll-girl was completely trussed up like a turkey. “Doesn’t seem to be carrying any money on her, though. What a shame.”

Ignoring Usagi’s request for monetary gain, Usagi turned to Spacey. “And Spacey? Bring that device of yours. Just in case… we might need it.”

Spacey’s flat face lit up with excitement, the lines that made up her face turning a bright pink! “Ooh… finally I get to use that thing again!! This’ll be GREAT!!”

As Rex’s axe cleaved into Zehrion’s back, the dark elf gasped and dropped Celeste roughly to the ground- but somehow, he was still able to stand, despite Rex’s weapon having scored a direct hit!
“Anyone who attacks one of my party members is my enemy!” Rex growled, kicking the twitching dark elf off of his axe. “I do not know your identity, but you have made your first and last mistake! Arandia! Get Octavia out of here! She can’t fight anymore!”

“Right!” Arandia hoisted the unconscious octomaid onto her back, and ran off to get her to a safer distance.

Stumbling briefly, the dark elf turned to face Rex- totally unbothered by the bleeding hole in his back. “Brimstone… ha! It has been long since I’ve heard that name…” He coughed, hacking up dark red blood all over the forest floor. “Your line’s legendary bravery is still as strong as ever. But are you merely a lesser son of greater sires, or the proper culmination of their legacy? We shall see, now.”

“Rex, watch out!” Celeste hollered. “Zehrion’s stronger than he looks!”

Quickly, Rex raised his shield to block Zehrion’s punch- but the impact still rang throughout the metal, making his arm shake. This man- he’s only got one arm and I buried an axe in his back! How is he still standing, let alone possess that much power?!

Zehrion smirked. “You’re stronger than the other one, then. But you’re still WEAK!”

Hearing that made Rex’s blood boil. “You- RRGH! I’LL SHOW YOU WEAK!!” Lunging again with his axe, he moved to cut the marauder’s head off with a single stroke- but he simply caught the blade of the axe with his working hand, sporting an audacious smirk even as he lost a few fingers as a result.

“Your bravado is commendable.” Using his energy arms, Zehrion grabbed Rex’s cape, and headbutted the dragonborn hard enough to send him reeling to the ground! Within a few steps, his foot was over Rex’s head, ready to smash him into a fine paste! “However, you are nothing but a normal man!”

Rex tried to get up, but the entire world was spinning from that blow- he could barely see straight. Thankfully, a very pissed off drider was there to stop Rex’s skull from being crushed underfoot!

“Don’t you fucking hurt my boss, asshole!!” Arandia growled, pulling the dark elf into a tight headlock and preventing him from pulverizing Rex’s head into a paste.

Zehrion, for his part, was completely unimpressed. “Strong indeed, but not strong enough.” He effortlessly pulled his one working physical arm forward and slammed it directly into Arandia’s gut!

“The fuck?!” Arandia grunted. “How the hell can he be that- ARGH!” Zehrion grabbed her hair with his energy arm, and socked her in the face with the other one- and yet Arandia kept hanging on for dear life.

“Not gonna- let go that easy, you piece of SHIT!” Arandia readied her sword and started hacking off his remaining arm, sending blood everywhere. “Boss!! Get him!!”

Rex clambered to his feet and readied a blast of flame! “BURN TO CINDERS!!” The crimson dragonborn bellowed, as he belched a burst searing-hot flames onto Zehrion’s battered and injured body- making his cape catch on fire!

Arandia shoved the dark elf away to keep from getting burned herself, as Zehrion screamed in immense pain- but even that didn’t make him stop, as he staggered towards Rex with a terrifying glint in his eye!

Celeste was trying to stagger to her feet to help, but she could barely move- after using so much of her energy against Doppel, and the brutal beating she’d just received, she couldn’t even stand. And she didn’t have her staff, either- she felt totally useless! Have to- have to get up!

“Celeste!!” A familiar, posh voice struck through her current bleary state- Stephen rushed into the clearing, panting from exertion. “What in the gods’ name happened here?!”

Elated, Celeste gasped out a warning. “No time to explain! Guys- he can’t heal himself! Get his legs! Then he can’t walk anymore, and he’ll be a sitting duck!”

Usagi was following closely behind him, inspecting her injuries. “Oh, my. This doesn’t bode well in the least.” Usagi readied his dagger, and rushed in towards the dark elf. “A simple slice to the back of his ankles should do it. Stephen? A couple illusory copies of me would be helpful. Moving any which way would best confuse our foe, he doesn’t seem the sort that’s good at focusing on multiple targets easily.”

“Right!” Stephen raised his hands, and two false copies of Usagi appeared next to the harengon, which quickly followed him as he rushed towards the injured, angry dark elf.

Meanwhile, Stephen grunted in exertion as he dragged the injured elf away. “It’s a good thing you’re so light… If this had been anyone else, I might have been in trouble!”

“The help’s still appreciated, really…” Celeste looked around. “Where’s Spacey?”

“Preparing her secret weapon… hopefully it doesn’t catch any of us in the blast.” Stephen sighed- which filled Celeste with an immense sense of dread. Oh, no, I think I know EXACTLY what he’s talking about.

Meanwhile, Rex was busy attempting to fend off Zehrion’s energy arm strikes- but the terrifying man was too fast. In fact, he seemed to be getting even faster!

“YOUR-YOUR ARMS ARE OFF!!” Rex sputtered. “How are you still standing?!”

Zehrion punched him in the face with one of his energy arms, scowling in a mixture of pain and anger. He shook off his cape, letting it smolder uselessly to ash in the corner- and he didn’t seem the least bit concerned about the sheer amount of burns he was covered in. “I do not need my limbs to take down pathetic whelps like yourself!” Before Rex could come up with a response, Zehrion grabbed him with a spectral arm and tossed him away into a tree, where he crumpled into an armored, scaly heap. Thankfully, Arandia quickly rushed over to Rex and hefted him up, dragging him a safer distance away- leaving Zehrion to take notice of Stephen dragging Celeste away!

“How many lambs have you invited to the slaughter? Innocent lives you put in danger just to save yourself?” Zehrion growled, glaring at Celeste as he advanced on her. “If only you had just laid down and accepted your fate, maybe-”

“You really talk too much.” Usagi darted past Zehrion, slashing at the back of his ankle and making him stumble, as blood poured from his wounds.

“And you are merely a little pest getting in my way!” With a grimace of pure rage, Zehrion attempted to use his energy arms to pulverize the little rabbit- but all of his punches went right through the illusory clones that Stephen had created, while the real one dodged nimbly away!

“And you, my friend, are far too single-minded. Can’t focus on more than one opponent at once.” Usagi chuckled, as he nimbly slashed the other ankle, making Zehrion fall to his knees! “Perhaps you should focus on what’s about to happen?”

“You- ARGH!” Zehrion growled- but one last, unexpected intruder put a new expression on his face- one of slight fear.

Spacey burst out of the trees and placed down a familiar sight- the Force Cannon Mk0.5! “GUESS WHAT?! I FIXED IT!! And you, Mister Tall, Dark, and Evil, will be the perfect test subject! Now, hold still for a second, it’s gotta charge- everybody else, better get out of the way!!”

Celeste, thankfully, was clear of the blast zone already- but it didn’t change the apprehension she felt seeing that thing again. Oh, no, please let it ACTUALLY work this time…

Zehrion, clearly realizing the situation he’d gotten himself into, attempted to push himself to his feet with his energy arms- but Celeste had had quite enough of his tenacity. “Usagi! Get me my staff!”
“Already on it, thank you…” Usagi darted past the shambling heap of a man, lifted up the staff, and awkwardly tossed it as best he could to Celeste- who, thankfully, managed to get ahold of it.

There we go! She raised her staff and fired a beam of holding magic on Zehrion’s body. It wasn’t enough to lift him, or even move him. But it was enough to stop him in place for a moment- and that was all that was needed. “Still… underestimating me, huh? I may not be able to fight well, but I can still help the people who can!!”

“YOU!!” Zehrion roared in a mixture of pure rage and fear. But he still couldn’t escape the magic that’d trapped him in place- and that would be his undoing!

As Spacey pressed the button on the Force Cannon, it shook and rumbled- and started emitting smoke. “Uh-oh. That can’t be good, uh… GET DOWN, EVERYBODY!!”

The dark elf didn’t even have time to respond before the cannon went off at point blank range- firing a massive beam of energy at him that blew away most of the trees behind him as well, leaving the area a smoldering heap!

Celeste sat up, body wracked with pain, as the echo of the cannon’s explosion faded from her ears. Did that work? Is he dead? Is everyone else okay?

As the dust cleared, Celeste surveyed the situation. Even though the party had taken heavy injuries, it seemed like they’d all escaped with no casualties. Even Octavia, who’d taken the heaviest beating between Zehrion and Doppel, was at least stable.

Celeste breathed a sigh of relief. Somehow, they’d gotten through this mess.

And then, a groan of pain shattered that immediately, and sent a chill through the core of her being. “What…? How?!”

Zehrion, somehow, was still trying to move, using his dark energy arms to try and push himself to his feet- but he’d taken far too much abuse already, and he could barely move.

“HOW THE FUCK IS HE STILL ALIVE?!”, Arandia spat indignantly.

“Whoever this man is, he’s clearly no ordinary mortal.” Rex said, leaning on Arandia’s shoulder to stand up. “Regardless, he should be disposed of immediately, lest he continue to haunt us again later!” Breathing in, Rex let out another burst of flames to make sure Zehrion couldn’t be left alive.

Zehrion, meanwhile, was completely ignoring everyone else, eyes fixed on the terrified elf. “Impressive, Celeste… you’ve managed to seduce a group of fools to your cause. But, will that be enough to make up for your foolishness?” He coughed and hacked, leaving a splatter of dark blood on the ground. “We shall… see…”

Cackling briefly, the last bit of life left Zehrion’s body, and he collapsed to the ground in a smoldering heap, blood pooling underneath him, face frozen in an audacious grin. After waiting for a few seconds to see if he’d come lurching back, Celeste finally let herself relax. 

“Can you stand?” Stephen said, offering her a hand.

“Probably…” Celeste got to her feet, leaning on the slender human’s shoulder. Dusting herself off, she turned to the others. “Ahem. Thank you, everyone, really.”

Rex scoffed, sporting his usual annoyed tone. “Hmph. Think nothing of it. He seemed to know you, though… might you have any idea as to his identity?”

Celeste shook her head. “No, I’ve never met him before… but the gem on his face looks way too much like my staff to be a coincidence.”

Arandia moved over to the mutilated body of the dark elf to take a closer look. “That fucker took SO MANY hits to put down… he’s not normal, whatever he is.” She turned over the body of Zehrion and attempted to remove the gemstone from his forehead to no avail. “Fucking hell, this thing’s embedded in his skin!” She let out an annoyed sigh. “No extra cash for us, I suppose.”

Usagi was busy searching his person for anything valuable. “And he doesn’t even have anything on him for us to procure.” He chimed in. “No food, no water… all he had was the clothes on his back. Curious. How did he even survive out here?”

“I don’t know, but… can we leave already? This whole thing’s given me the creeps.” Celeste said, an uncharacteristic nervousness in her voice.

Rex nodded. “Yes, we should make haste, lest any more threats emerge. Let us return to the transport and decide upon our next move.”

Usagi nodded. “Indeed. Oh, speaking of, we captured some little doll girl with a loud mouth outside. Perhaps one of you would know something about that?”

Celeste rolled her eyes. “Yes, I do- unfortunately. She’s a minion of the Seven, probably- said she was working for someone called Gothal. Maybe we can get some answers out of her. But for now… we need to rest.”

The battered, but alive party left the clearing, relieved that the absence of threats for the time being.

But all was not over.

Long after the party had left the stand of trees, and silence reigned over the area…

A dark, bleeding body began to move again.

Sulvan was starting to wonder what was taking his customers so long.

Though, he wasn’t about to leave the vehicle. If there was something dangerous in there, that was far below his pay grade. Better to let the adventurers sort it out themselves.

Danger is not my preferred lifestyle, thank you. Especially not when I’m so close to finally achieving my goal.

Thoughts of Mau ran through his head briefly, before he shook his head. No, Sulvan, stop getting distracted. Once you meet him again, then you can relax, lay down, and-

Something occurred to Sulvan. The doll underneath his foot hadn’t moved for a while, despite being quite ornery at first. He looked down, and beheld an odd sight- the head had fallen off. Gingerly, he lifted his foot off the inert doll, and it didn’t move an inch.

That’s a bit concerning, but at least it’s not calling me a smelly beast anymore. Only Mau gets to call me that.

Thankfully, eventually the party came back. One by one, they exited the forest and piled into the cart, groaning and complaining in their own ways.

“You all look worse for wear.” Sulvan mused. “Did you end up getting that firewood?”
Stephen sighed as he stepped inside. “That… is a rather long story indeed, but the answer is unfortunately no.”

Octavia was the only one still breaking the silence. “One of you’s getting the firewood next time. That was SO annoying! All those stab wounds… UGH! When we get to the next town, I need ALL the beer." She groaned as she hauled herself into the cart and collapsed.

"You said it." Arandia said, as Rex hefted her abdomen into the vehicle. “I need to numb all this pain… bastard really hit like a runaway horse.”

“Gods, yes.” Rex, for once, had no complaints about his teammates’ desire for alcohol, sitting right next to Arandia without a care for appearances.

“Hm. Well, we are close to the next town, so you can recuperate there.” Sulvan said. “Also, that doll you captured, I’m not sure if it’ll be much use now. It seems to have become totally inert.”

“What?!” Stephen craned his head over to take a look at the lifeless doll. “That’s… concerning. Did it do anything beforehand?”

“Not that I could see.” Sulvan shrugged.

“She might’ve just run out of magic.” Celeste muttered. “She did use a lot when she was fighting me and Octavia…”

“For all of our sakes, I hope you’re right.” Stephen sighed. “I suppose we can just leave her- she’s probably useless to us now. Since I’m the one with the least injuries… I should sit at the front in case of emergencies.” He clambered up to the front, clearly put off by Sulvan’s particular odor, but at least being polite enough to keep it to himself for a change.

As Sulvan began to pull the transport forward, Rex had fallen fast asleep on the drider’s shoulder, snoring loudly- and Arandia was returning the favor, arm wrapped protectively around her boss in her sleep. Octavia and Celeste were similarly conked out. The few awake party members, however, were deep in thought.

“Something about that fellow was off.” Usagi mused. “I’ve met a couple of drow assassins, and he wasn’t like any of them. Too muscle-bound, for one thing. Every elf I’ve met is more slender than a post, and more graceful than that.”

“How do you know that?” Stephen asked.

“Let’s just say that when you’re a career criminal like myself, you tend to rub elbows with the occasional unsavory fellow. Usually they end up as cellmates in jail, but occasionally rich folk hire elves as bodyguards. They’re fast- but this man was as clumsy as an ox.”

Spacey, however, was totally ignoring the rest. “Aw, man…” Spacey held the junked remains of the Force Cannon in her arms. “I thought I’d FINALLY gotten it to work properly. Now it’s busted…”

“With all due respect, you might want to test that device more thoroughly before building it.” Usagi muttered. “That thing could incinerate any one of us…”

“It’s not SUPPOSED to do that!” Spacey whined. “I just turned up the power settings on the magic battery too high!”

“Where did you even get the materials for that, anyway?” Usagi groaned.

“Well, MY family has a rich and extensive collection of ancient artifacts- and so generously let me perform experiments on some of the ancient technology therein.” Spacey raved. “Batteries like this are made out of pure moonstone, and contain immense amounts of magical energy. If it’s harnessed properly, this kind of power could be SO useful!”

“Useful for bombs, more like.” The harengon muttered.

“IT JUST NEEDS ANOTHER FEW TRIALS!” Spacey huffed. “Hopefully I can get it to work before this battery runs out of juice, though. I only have a few of these left…”

Stephen, trying his best to ignore this arguing behind him, pointed to Sulvan’s backside. “By the way, were those scratches on your rear end always there?”

Sulvan sighed. “One more word about that and I am leaving you here.” Thankfully, that was enough to get Stephen to shut his mouth. Why can’t these adventurers understand a thing called privacy?

He hoped dearly that he could get to his destination without any more setbacks- but with this group, he was learning that it was never a guarantee. Mau would probably like them, though… he has a penchant for diving right into things he’s not supposed to do. Like our relationship, I suppose…

Drakoth was impatient.

Whenever Evelice, his queen- his mate- had to leave Deus Mons to enact one of her many schemes, he couldn’t help but be anxious. He knew she’d be fine. She always was. But something always nagged at the back of his head, a worry that this time, she wouldn’t come back.

Thankfully, today would not be a day like that- Evelice walked in the door to Drakoth’s room, no worse for wear. “Ugh, having to shrink myself like that is so uncomfortable.”

Waving her hand, the size-shifting magic disappeared, and she grew to her full height. Her natural size in her main form was around nine feet tall- enough to get most of the way to his shoulder.

Usually, she tended to shrink herself to the height of most mortals to not scare them off instantly- she said it helped perception of deities.

Drakoth couldn’t relate, being almost 12 feet tall at the shoulder in his ‘normal’ form and fifty-five feet long. He LIKED being intimidating, it made him feel powerful. Not that Evelice was ever scared off by it.

Drakoth’s room was as typical of a dragon lair as you could get- full of piles of treasure on one side, and a massive pool of water within a miniature caldera on the other. There was also a large door on the right side to allow Evelice easy entrance- her room was located right next door to his. Evelice was the one visiting his room far more often than he visited hers, though.

That door was only installed after they went at it a little too hard and accidentally broke down the wall- a fact that Steli was not pleased about, given how difficult it was to construct the space in the first place. The gods’ rooms were technically pocket dimensions, yet they shared a physical space- and breaking down the walls tended to cause problems that were a bit too complicated for him to understand fully. Even his great intelligence had limits, after all.

Evelice sighed, tossing off the cloak she’d worn as a mortal disguise, revealing her true, heavenly splendor. "Oh, my king, the excursion went faster than I expected. I hope you're not TOO bored without me."

Drakoth couldn’t help but lick his lips a little bit as he gulped- with just a small amount of nervousness. "Every moment without my precious mate is like stepping on a pebble in one's shoe- bearable at first, but the longer it goes, the more painful it gets."

"Ever the orator, I see." Evelice gave him a gentle pat on the nose. He paced around, trying to surround her with his body as much as he could. Of course nothing could happen here, in their safe haven- but it was always better to be sure. It was simply a draconic instinct- the drive to protect one’s hoard, and a mate was the most precious treasure of all.

Evelice knew instantly what was on his mind. “Drakoth, I was only gone for half an hour. It wasn’t THAT dangerous, either.”

Drakoth wouldn’t hear of such reassurances, not when he knew exactly what the price of failure could be. “Every excursion from Deus Mons opens you up to detection by our foes. Especially since I cannot accompany you easily.” 

Contrary to what the Empire thought, the barrier surrounding Deus Mons was not impenetrable- with enough time and effort, a deity could leave temporarily by breaking a small hole. However, they would only last so long- and if the magic detection system of the seal noticed too big of a variance, the Empire would know one of them had escaped- an unwelcome prospect, given their plan was to appear passive and withered.

Not to mention the fact that Drakoth was too large to be able to get through the small holes gods could bore in such a construction- a fact that drove him to no end of annoyance.

Evelice put her hand behind Drakoth’s fin-like ear, and began to stroke him gently. “Oh, is my dear husband worried about me?”

Drakoth cursed internally in the finest draconic swears. He knew she could tell when he was lying, so the best response was to say nothing at all. And yet, somehow, he got the feeling she knew anyway.

Evelice continued to run her hands along his crimson scales, her gentle touch sending a rush of excitement through him. “Anyway, all I needed to do was talk to that Rex fellow and scare some sense into him. He might fulfill that oath to you yet.”

Drakoth scoffed. “It’s only ten years late. He’s lucky I’m a patient sort.”

Evelice laughed. “I don’t know why you say things like that when I can detect lies.”

The dragon god growled in annoyance, smoke rising from his nostrils. “It is a simple reflex! Not everyone has as sharp of a mind as you do, to be able to police one’s thoughts so effectively.”

Evelice turned back towards him, rolling her single remaining eye. “I wish I’d paid more attention to the scrying orb before I left, though. I caught him when he was in the middle of, ahem, relieving himself.”

Drakoth cocked his brow, letting out a snorting chuckle. "I do hope you weren't stealing a glimpse of anything untoward."

"Why would I, when you're right here and more than eager?” Evelice grinned, stealing a brief glance between his hind legs. “And speaking of that, Drakoth, there’s no more excursions planned for today. You can dote on me as much as you want.”

Drakoth swung his tail, accidentally knocking over a pile of gold coins. “I do not DOTE! It is a protective instinct!!”

“Of course it is.” Evelice grabbed his head and placed her lips on the tip of his snout in a gentle kiss. “And I appreciate it very much.”

For a brief moment, Drakoth was hypnotized. Her sheer boldness when it came to him was sometimes intoxicating… as was everything else about her, really. Not many would kiss a dragon on the lips, much less the god of them. Just as few would openly hug such an imposing being, wrapping her toned arms around his neck as she nuzzled into his chest.

As she withdrew from him, he gestured to the basin of water in the corner. “I have prepared a bath for you, my mate.”

Evelice chuckled. “I figured. You’re so predictable sometimes. Not that that’s a problem, really- It’s nice to have some more, ahem, intimate worship from time to time.”

As she walked past him, she patted his flank. “Feel free to join me, of course. Just try not to splash so much this time.”

Drakoth let out a guttural, annoyed groan. “That was ONE TIME.”

Author's Note: Hoo-wee, this one took a hot minute to get out, but it turned out SO well. I'd love to hear reader reactions to this new antagonist guy, so feel free to comment!!
Also, i managed to write the second half of this one while having a rotten cold, so the AO3 curse has finally struck me. Hopefully the next chapter doesn't have this problem- the world demands more spicy monsterfuckery!
Also, got some art from @Dragon_Tamer8 of the edgiest dark elf, Zehrion!! Give him a follow, his stuff looks so good!!

Chapter Text

(THIS ONE'S SPICY, YO)

Yes, Dragonmarks… the sign of true love among dragons. A sign of claiming a mate, eternal love, et cetera.

One suggests it is a latent effect of their innate magical nature- but really, the more convincing theory is that Drakoth simply thought it would be attractive. After all, Evelice has one after they married into being the top god couple.

Of note is that dragonmarks can be applied to any being who properly couples with a dragon- humanoids included. Even matters of same-sex couples are no object, so long as they share a bed, and, ahem, exchange bodily fluids.

The color and shape of the mark tends to vary based on various factors. The color of dragon involved, the type of relationship, et cetera. There are many theories, but nobody has been able to know for sure.

Whatever the case, the reactions of those who have been ‘marked’ vary wildly. The more conservative tend to hide it as best they can, lest their tastes be exposed to the world. Others prefer to show it off as much as possible- after all, being able to seduce and bed a dragon, the mightiest of creatures, implies great power, cunning, or beauty.

Of course, given the location they appear on is entirely random, not every prospective mate may get their mark in the most flattering space. Such is the whim of fate.

-The Draconomicon, D.D. Fuchsia

Inside the Governor’s Office of Koboldia…

Khalib had just staved off a political assassination last week, and he could afford a break from his relentless scheming for a change. Thankfully, his hostess was more than willing to accommodate him for however long he wanted to stay.

Instead of doing anything productive that day, Khalib and Seozay were busy drinking- tea and coffee, respectively- and unless another assassin came in to threaten her life, they could afford to relax for a change. Kobra was safely locked in the closet, gagged and tied to a chair- unfortunately, they couldn’t get anything else out of him, so there he stayed.

“Oh, I have an itch behind my front leg…” Seozay stretched out her front leg, which had a large fin-like frill on it connecting the top part with the rest of her body. Khalib chuckled and began gently scratching the back of the upper part, behind the fin, getting a long rumble of satisfaction out of her. “Ohhhh… that’s good. You’re better at that than any of my subjects… and I can’t reach there at all.”

“It’s the least I can do, given you always give me free room and board.” He wondered if the governor could *actually* not reach the spots that had itches the most frequently, or if she just wanted an excuse for his clawed hands to run across her scales. Not that he would complain. Besides, if she got somebody else to do this, it’d be one less reason for me to visit, wouldn’t it? That would be a crying shame.

“Gods, I wish you could stay forever- I could use a lovely little helper like you around… on a more permanent basis.” Seozay cooed, as he scratched behind her leg frill.

Khalib sighed, as he crawled on top of her back. “As much as I wish I could stay longer, duty calls. I suppose I should get going tomorrow. I have so many more things to take care of… Trying to get Exirion to help my nephew… Assessing the weaknesses of our enemies… all sorts of nonsense.” Putting his hands to work, he began to scratch at the space between her wings- a common itching point for dragons, since they couldn’t exactly get at it themselves. The gesture made Seozay let out a satisfied rumble- exactly the kind of sound he liked to hear.

“Leaving so soon? What a shame.” Seozay took a large gulp out of her oversized mug, which said ‘I heart kobolds’ on it. “Well, before you go, there’s another ‘civic duty’ you haven’t quite completed yet.”

“And what would that be, Governor?” Of course Khalib knew from experience that dragons loved being called worshippy names, but Seozay tended to prefer the simple expedient of her job title. A bit uncreative, but as long as it made her excited, he didn’t mind.

Seozay turned to look at him, licking her lips slightly. Getting hot and bothered already, are we? For all the proper manners she tried to show off in polite company, she was awful at hiding her true intentions when she was alone. “Well, the night’s still young, but we certainly aren’t.”

Khalib hopped off her back and gave her large snout a gentle nuzzle. “Nonsense, you still look barely a century and a half.”

Seozay giggled softly. “Still as much of a charmer as ever.” Of course Khalib knew her actual age- just over 350, last he checked. Of course he would never ask her directly- that would be exceedingly impolite.

And politeness was an easy way to get a dragon to pay attention to you. Dragons loved having their egos stroked. Flattery, reciting their titles, pronouncing their full names correctly down to the last syllable- anything that reminded them of their position as the highest of apex predators got them going like nothing else.

Khalib knew this from plenty of personal experience- if one wanted to get a dragoness to jump them, a silver tongue and plenty of flattery helped. It’d certainly worked when he’d visited her for the first time and left with a fresh new dragonmark.

“You know… my son’s gone home, and most of my subjects are asleep… Unless there’s another attempt on my life, I think I can relax for a change.” Seozay leaned in close, giving Khalib a gentle lick on the cheek. She was attempting to whisper, but dragons’ voices were too loud for it to ever qualify as one on normal peoples’ terms.

As much as I’d like to spend the rest of the night in your claws, I can’t neglect my important duties. “What about the prisoner in the closet? Wouldn’t want to let him escape if you’re… distracted.”

Undeterred, Seozay continued to nuzzle the gray kobold. “Oh, he hasn’t made any noise for hours. He’s probably asleep. And besides, that closet’s locked, and has no exits. Even IF he gets out, there are guards around the perimeter of the village that’ll catch him if he tries to get away. It’s been a while since our last… diplomatic meeting.”

“Like how we met?” Khalib chuckled. He remembered that day very well- being sent to foster better relations with a newly-established kobold city near Dragonia’s borders, only spend a week fostering an entirely different type of relation. At least the mission was a success.

Seozay huffed, looking away in a grand show of faux embarrassment. “That was an entirely unique circumstance! I would not simply sleep with the first attractive kobold I saw that wasn’t one of my subjects!”

“And yet, I fit that description perfectly.” Khalib chuckled. “Then again, I am a ripe old specimen for my race… At least I’d think so.”

“Oh, I know that very well.” Seozay nudged him again, almost knocking him over. She’d pushed him in the direction of her desk- he knew exactly where this was going.

Khalib laughed, and gently patted her nose. “You know, you could just ask me straight up instead of dancing around the subject. It’s not like I would refuse such an offer, especially from a lovely lady like yourself.”

“Oh, you.” Seozay nuzzled him again, then gave him a long lick up the side of his head, using a bit more of her tongue. “Come on, let’s get that robe off you. I need to get my fill before you run off to gods-know-where again for weeks.”

“Likewise, Governor.” Khalib could feel himself getting excited already- he knew he wouldn’t be sleeping for the next several hours. Not that he minded, no sir.

Seozay had a secret- she’d always been attracted to… smaller folk. Of course, it was something she was loath to admit to anyone- dragons pursuing humanoids was nothing new, but kobolds were even shorter- and yet, she was fascinated by them.

Of course she’d heard about those dragons that debased themselves by letting a pack of kobolds all mate with them. But she thought she was above such scandalous things. Until she took up residence here, and she found her mind wandering to more lewd things.

But she wouldn’t even consider asking any of her subjects to be her mate- she’d watched most of them grow up, after all, it would be extremely out of line for someone in her position! She’d even bought a doll to use to sate her urges, but even that didn’t work.

Until she’d met Khalib, anyway… the one who wasn’t part of her village, yet was perfectly interested in her… once she’d laid with him, and gotten to properly live out that fantasy, then she’d finally felt complete.

Every time he visited, she got all excited- every time he was absent, she had to content herself with grinding on that blasted doll while thinking of him. It was embarrassing!

At least he’s here now… and waiting for me to-

“Ahem.” Khalib spoke up, interrupting her descent into lewd thoughts. “Shall we begin? Or are you a little preoccupied?”

Flustered, Seozay gulped. “Sorry, a little distracted… and don’t worry, I’ll make sure to preoccupy you…”

But before she could do anything, she had to get his clothes off. He was making no moves to do it himself- he knew she could do it, with her usual delicate touch. Make me do all the work… he’s lucky he’s so adorable, otherwise I’d tell him off! Gently taking the edge of his robe in her mouth, she gingerly lifted it off him, exposing his gray, scaly body. Thankfully, it wasn’t fastened in any way- the last time he’d done that, she’d gotten impatient and ripped it off him by mistake!

Remember, Seozay, you have all night to mate with him. Don’t get too excited, lest you let yourself slip and injure him, or scare him off…

After she had disrobed him, she couldn’t help but drink in the image of his body for a moment.

Most kobolds were rather skinny- but he certainly wasn’t, being fairly rotund for his short size. His long tail was dotted with bumps on the top that went all the way down. It looked fairly normal- but Seozay knew full well what he could do with it. Especially when combined with his member, which she had become even more familiar with over the years.

It was almost six inches- already pushing the boundary of what kobold sizes typically were. In shape, however, it was quite unique as well- covered in backwards-facing barbs, which were more slender than typical kobold fare- and harder, as she well knew. At the base was a large bulb- his knot- which also had smaller bumps on it. His member would be impressive on, say, a dragonborn- but for someone as short as him, it looked downright obscene in its size, especially considering his knot took up almost half his member’s length. She’d seen a lot of kobold genitalia over the years- not that she’d gone out of her way to look- and Khalib was easily the most outrageous one she’d ever laid eyes upon.  

Not that I mind. Definitely not. Seozay licked her lips unconsciously.

When they’d mated for the first time, she was rather skeptical about what he could do, given his size- but he’d more than lived up to the scenarios in her head. And then some. Gods, I’ll never understand how he hides that monster inside that small of a body.

The other most important thing on him, however, was the bronze dragonmark on his chest- it resembled a large, vaguely dragon-shaped silhouette curling around a smaller one. Supposedly dragonmarks’ appearance was random, but it seemed far too symbolic to her to be a coincidence. It looked very cute on him- and she felt a certain pride knowing she had put it there. It’s a pity he always wears that heavy robe to cover it… I understand that our relationship is supposed to be a secret, but then nobody will know he’s taken!

Seozay licked her lips in anticipation of the coming feast. “Remember, hold still, otherwise I might bite you by mistake.”

“Oh, please, we both know you’re careful enough that won’t happen.” Khalib snarked. He was right, of course- the amount of times she’d actually injured him could be counted on less than two hands. But his tone told her that he didn’t care- he had absolutely no fear of her, and that was an exciting feeling she couldn’t even get from any of her subjects.

Her tongue snaked over him, taking in his particular scent, slinking into every crevice of his body and leaving a wet trail behind. Most kobolds weren’t the cleanest sorts, usually- but Khalib was an exception. He always got as clean as he could muster before coming to visit- he knew she liked it.

Gods… that scent! Dragons were particularly sensitive to smells, and if they spent enough time around one individual, they could pick out that person’s scent from a long way away. So, naturally, Khalib’s particular scent- tinged with the smell of tea, mixed with sweat- was quite familiar to her- and it made her drool upon the slightest whiff. Haah… he smells so good, as per usual. Better than anything- better than my prized coffee, even!

She didn’t know if other dragons could be this intoxicated by similar stimuli. She also didn’t care in the slightest.

As she was busy nuzzling and drooling over him, Seozay knew she looked rather ridiculous planting such ginger gestures on someone who was a miniscule fraction of her size. She couldn't care any less if she tried.

Running her tongue all over his body, she took in every inch of his gray, scaly frame. He was so much softer than most other kobolds- who were invariably rather wiry and slender. “You taste as delicious as ever.”

“I do hope you’re not planning on eating me.” Khalib snarked.

“How rude!” Seozay huffed. “The only thing I’m planning on eating… is this.” Seozay moved to nudge his throbbing member with her snout, taking a quick sniff as she did. Control yourself, Seozay… remember, he’s very fragile.

Moving around to his back, she began nibbling on his tail. After that, she wrapped her tongue around it and slid it gently between his buttcheeks, making him jump. His rear was very clean- and she didn’t mind the taste of it at all. It was a shock at first, but she’d gotten used to it over many previous trysts.

Khalib cracked a sly grin. “Don’t worry, Governor- made sure to clean there, too.”

“You think of everything, as usual.” Seozay smirked, before returning to her increasingly sloppy licks. After enough of that, she withdrew from him- she was already starting to get a little wet down there, just from this!

Oh, dare I make this joke? Heh heh.

Seozay was busy stroking Khalib’s tail, while drooling all over him- and he couldn’t help but crack a great joke he’d just thought up. He knew she’d hate it- but he didn’t care one bit, the offended face she’d pull was immensely worth it. Being the mate of a dragon meant you could get away with certain things that would be considered disrespectful to others, after all.

“How scandalous, a dragon chasing a kobold’s tail, isn’t it?” Khalib chuckled.

Seozay immediately pulled away from him, leaving a cold rush of air as her warmth dissipated. “Really? You’re lucky you’re adorable, most dragons would threaten to eat someone for remarks like that.” She looked annoyed, but also resigned- he’d been making awful cracks like that since the first time they’d mated.

“Sorry, I can’t help it.” The gray kobold chortled. “It’s too much fun to fluster you like that.”

“One more of those and you’re not getting any Imperius-style kisses today.”

Predictable as always. Khalib knew full well her half-hearted threats were mere idle banter. “Oh, please, we both know you can’t resist doing those, can you?”

“Hmph.” Seozay snorted, conveniently dodging the question. Right on the money, I see. You’re like a big, scaly book that I can read easily, even without my glasses.

Imperius Style- so named for the public display of one of the Brimstone family’s famous ancestors- was a technique for dragon/humanoid pairs, in which the humanoid would place their upper torso in the dragon’s jaws, and proceed to play with their tongue before taking as much of it as possible in their own mouth.

It was not really a valid option in its full sense for Khalib and Seozay to take part in, considering she could nearly swallow him whole. Thankfully, they had reached a compromise. After more than a few failed attempts- and at least one near-miss.Khalib took off his glasses and placed them on a side table in the corner of the room, before turning back towards the lusty dragoness. “Ready when you are, Governor.”

Seozay grinned, trying to control her increasingly rapid breaths. “Well then, come here, my little helper…”

Gently parting her lips, she opened her snout and moved her enormous jaws over his head and neck- but no further, lest she swallow him whole. Seozay’s hot breath filled his nose and mouth, and it turned him on to no end. It smelled like a mixture of ozone, meat, and coffee, and it was intoxicating.

“Dear me, it’s a good thing I took off my glasses. Wouldn’t want to lose them down there…”

Seozay couldn’t respond of course, lest she take a bite out of him by mistake, but she was definitely struggling not to laugh.

He tried not to look at her teeth no matter how much he knew that Seozay would never do something like eat him, the thought always lingered in the back of his head that she could devour him whole. Thankfully, her long, turquoise tongue came whirling forward to fill his vision, and banish such thoughts from his mind.

“Is that a slug in your mouth, or are you just happy to see me?” More muted giggling from Seozay, as she tried her best to laugh too hard. He knew he was playing with fire, making awful jokes in the literal jaws of danger, but he couldn’t resist.

As the dripping appendage fondled his snout, wrapping around it, squeezing gently, her soft, lusty moans filled his ears. Well, to her they were probably soft- to him, it was all he could hear as she continued her vigorous slurping. All the while, she was gently running her clawed fingers down his back, stroking him affectionately. Khalib returned the favor by wrapping his tail around one of her scaly digits, and she giggled at the gesture. Phew… she must have really been impatient. Hopefully that doll she has in the closet is still intact, otherwise I’m going to need to buy her another one next time I come by.

The long, fleshy appendage began to poke and prod at his small snout, trying to worm its way down into his throat. Khalib knew how this worked- he kept it clamped shut as long as humanly possible, in order to draw out the proceedings further. Every lick left long strands of her drool behind, and soon he was completely soaked, feeling rivulets of her saliva run down his torso and legs.

And yet, they both knew that this wasn’t the endgame. She wanted to get that tongue down his throat, and he wanted to tease her some more. And the increasingly annoyed tone of her moans told him she wasn’t going to be stalled much longer.

The bronze dragoness, however, knew all of his weaknesses- reaching one of her claws over to his aching member, she began to stroke it with the flat part of her finger. He let out an embarrassing grunt of arousal- but still Khalib didn’t open his mouth.

Ohhh, desperate, are we?

He knew she’d worm her way in eventually. She always did. One couldn’t be a dragon’s mate without learning- fast- that they usually tended to get their way in situations like this. But he was curious to see how long she’d keep up the act before putting his gag reflex to the test.

Seozay was getting increasingly frustrated by Khalib’s feigned reluctance. And she knew he was aware of it.
Come on, you… I know you want to properly kiss me, so hurry up and let me do it, already!

Seozay made an annoyed grunt, and continued to rub his knob gently as she continued to attempt to pry his jaws open with her tongue. But they remained as frustratingly closed as a steel trap.

She couldn’t see his face, but she knew exactly what kind of face he was making- that smug grin that captured her heart and drove her crazy in equal measure.

They had a system at this point, considering her size relative to him. If he ever couldn’t breathe properly, or she was in danger of crushing him, biting him, or any other such injury, he’d pinch her as hard as he could.

Of course Seozay knew she couldn’t swallow her little lover. Khalib was a little too rotund for that, he’d be liable to choke her on the way down. But she still wanted to be very careful- one wrong move and her mate would suffer grave injury- and that would be a horrendous problem indeed. She knew he’d probably forgive her, but she would never want to be in that situation to begin with.

And still, he wouldn’t open his mouth so she could complete the kiss. Even with her indignant growls echoing all around him, he held fast. Argh, come on, you- Fine. I suppose I’ll have to try… that.

Since she couldn’t fit her tongue down his throat at the moment, she settled for something else. Opening her jaws slightly, she snaked it around his neck, gently squeezing as she continued to lick away at him. She’d been practicing her technique with this- that old doll was a very convenient test subject, even after she’d tasted the real thing.

Winding her tongue back up, she returned to slurping at that snout of his- the tip trying to wave about in front of his nostrils in an attempt to tickle him. Gently poking and prodding at him, she was curious to know if it would work.

Judging by the muffled laughter he was letting out, it was not.

All right, you- you’ve made me wait long enough!

Letting out an annoyed snort, she began to rub his cock with her finger even harder- feeling the bumps and barbs against her digit got her even more excited- she couldn’t wait to have that thing inside of her again, after over a month of having to settle for that doll.

Maybe I should get a new one and model it after him. I wonder if he’d be flattered by that.

With every rub, she could feel him getting harder in her hand- exactly what she wanted. Come on- open it! You’ve made me wait a month for this, you’re not going to make me wait a second longer!

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Khalib opened his mouth just slightly to let out a gasp. Whether it was due to rubbing his aching member, or him finally taking pity on her thirsty self, she didn’t care one bit.

Seozay took the opportunity immediately to slide her enormous tongue right into his waiting gullet. His much smaller tongue had no chance to resist the turquoise invader- not that he would try, anyway.

A grunt of surprise, followed by pleasure and satisfaction, was driven out of him. Seozay loved hearing that. For all his bluster, teasing, and bad jokes, she knew he wanted her just as much as she did him.

The inside of his mouth tasted even better than the rest of him- she knew whenever he came over he took special care to get his mouth as clean as possible. It was a tight fit trying to cram as much of her tongue as she could in there, but it was wet enough- and more importantly, they had enough practice- that it was a relatively quick entry. All that practice of breathing through his nose had paid off immensely.

Not even a single gag this time- just as impressive as ever.

She continued to wriggle that tongue as far as she could go. Of course, Khalib was not idle while this was happening- his hands were busy patting the top and bottom of her snout, scratching around her nostrils just the way she liked it. And his tail was still wrapped around one of her fingers, curled up like a snake trying to get close to a heat source.

His presence of mind is incredible… most would shut down mentally having their neck between a dragon’s jaws. But he’s just as affectionate as ever. It was just one more of the many things that attracted her to him.

With all those thoughts distracting her, she’d forgotten about his member beneath her finger- until he finally couldn’t hold back anymore, and he busted his load all over her scaled digit.

Khalib’s grunts of pleasure filled her with satisfaction. All right, you, I suppose I’ve had my fill of you… for now, anyway. Releasing his head from her jaws, she hurriedly slurped up all the cum he’d left on her hand before it could spill anywhere. After all, she couldn’t let any signs of their relationship get out- it would cause a scandal, especially since Khalib was technically a fugitive!

Khalib gasped, wiping her saliva out of his eyes. “Delightful as always, Seozay. By the way, you missed a bit of food behind one of your teeth on the left side.”

Seozay sighed. Of course he’d be astute enough to notice that. “Oh, dear. Thank you for pointing that out.” Seozay reached up with her claw and fished out the offending morsel. “Well, now… that was lovely, but I’m not done getting my fill of you yet. Sit down, will you?”

Obediently, Khalib scuttled over to her side with an enormous grin on his face, spreading his legs as far as he could- difficult, considering his age- but neither of them wanted a tooth to nick any sensitive anatomy. “I’m certainly ready to do my civic duty, heh.”

“Lovely. You’re such a useful little helper-” Seozay giggled, not even caring about the awful joke he’d just made. After all, after what she was about to do, he’d be having too much fun to make more awful jokes for a while. She hoped, anyway.

As Khalib sat against Seozay’s warm side, he shivered with anticipation. He knew exactly what was coming, and he couldn’t be more excited.

Seozay lowered her enormous head to his crotch and took a deep sniff of his still-throbbing dick, purring appreciatively. “Mmgh, you smell just as good as ever. And I’m feeling very thirsty indeed…”

“There’s still more coffee in the back, I believe-NGH!” Seozay didn’t wait for him to finish his sentence, as she flicked out her tongue and began lapping at his sensitive member. Enough jokes, perhaps. She has been waiting a while for this.

It was moments like this that Khalib was reminded of how much larger she was than him. Those enormous jaws could bite off his most precious body part in an instant. He knew she wouldn’t, though- after all, if she did, she’d never find a suitable replacement for that doll in the closet.

It was a good thing he’d taken his glasses off, otherwise they’d be fogged up so much by her breath that he wouldn’t be able to see the bronze and greenish beauty nibbling at him.

Thankfully he was nearsighted, so he could still get a good look at the bronze beauty doting over him- and what a view it was! Her head was so large and heavy that when it was in his lap he couldn’t even hope to move- just how she liked it. Better for his safety as well- lest he buck his hips by accident and slice some sensitive anatomy on those teeth.

Of course, he had healing potions in his luggage- buying them in bulk was always wise when courting a lady several times one’s weight- but it never hurt to take extra precautions.

Seozay let out a soft moan as she slurped his knotted cock, wrapping her tongue around it, squeezing, breathing heavily. He could feel all that pent up energy she’d been building up- it’s not like she had any other outlets to get off, after all.

Carefully, Khalib reached his hand up to gently stroke her nose, a gesture which he knew she appreciated, judging by the approving-sounding grunt she let out. Before long, she’d closed her lips on his sensitive penis as tightly as she could. Though, she was still careful to avoid scraping his sensitive member with her teeth- that would really put a damper on the proceedings.

Gods, her mouth’s so warm… Khalib was still sweating a bit from when he was inside her mouth earlier. It was incredible sensation, having something so large and potentially deadly… being the most gentle lover he could possibly imagine. And her breath!

Every time she snorted and huffed a hot puff of air at him, he was sent reeling. Maybe he’d spent too much time around her, but feeling her do that excited him immensely.

He couldn’t resist nuzzling her snout a bit more while she was busy with this. He knew she liked it. But before long, Seozay had gotten impatient again, letting out those annoyed, impatient grunts. He was indeed trying to hold back his next load, of course- he didn’t want it to end too quickly. Oh well… When she decides she wants to finish me off, who am I to stop her?

In one swift motion, Seozay grabbed her diminutive lover with one of her clawed hands and lifted him up, holding him just tight enough to keep him in place, but not enough to leave even the slightest bruise. It’d taken a lot of time, effort, and healing potions, but they had the logistics of such a mismatched coupling down to a science. Gently closing her jaws around his cock, she began suck on it like a stubborn bottle of alcohol with a tiny hole, trying to get as much of the sweet liquid inside as she could.

“Oh, Governor… slow down, there’s enough of me for all night, remember?” Khalib chuckled, before Seozay quickened her pace as if to rebuke his attempts at slowing her down. Should’ve known that wouldn’t work. Oh well.

The inside of her maw was so warm and wet, his sensitive member could barely take it any longer- especially when she decided to tighten her grip on him, her claws squeezing his small body, as if reminding him that she could pop him like a bubble.

She kept furiously blowing him, pursing her lips around his member, running her tongue over it… trying to drive him over the edge. Eventually, she slid her tongue to the base behind his knot, and rubbed it as hard as she could- and that was the thing that did it. As much as he wanted to savor the moment for as long as possible, eventually he couldn’t hold back anymore.

“Oh… Seozay!” With a grunt of pleasure, he released the load he’d been building up right down her throat, and she let out an extremely satisfied rumble as she slurped it all up. In a matter of seconds, she’d cleaned up every drop of cum he’d let out.

Finally, she released his aching cock from her mouth, and licked the last remaining drops from her snout. “Gods… I’ve missed that. You taste incredible.”

Khalib chuckled, and surveyed the area. "Not a drop spilled... impressive."

Seozay cracked a toothy grin, looking rather smug. "Well, I do try to keep this office clean. As much as I’d like it to be otherwise, I do have an actual job to do here."

Khalib couldn’t resist throwing another jab out there- he knew it annoyed her, but she was so much fun to tease. “Could’ve fooled me, the first time we met you cancelled all your meetings for a week.”

“That was an extenuating circumstance!!” Seozay growled, gently butting her head against him. “A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!”

The gray kobold shrugged, shaking his head. “For getting laid.” In response, he was met with an orchestra of sighs.

“Enough jests, please…” With a grunt of exertion, Seozay turned over to lay on her back, in an ultimate gesture of submission for a dragon. “I’ve been wetter than a waterfall for the past fifteen minutes… if you don’t hurry up and take care of this, I’ll be fit to burst!”

Indeed, between her legs, her turquoise entrance was quite exposed, and starting to ooze a bit already. The gaping, wet hole stood out immediately from her bright aqua stomach. She’d even left a stain on the floor where was sitting earlier- as if her clear arousal wasn’t obvious enough.

Khalib began to climb on top of his waiting mate with renewed gusto. “Well, who am I to pass up such a generous offer, especially from such a lovely lady?”

Seozay was shivering in anticipation. 

If any other dragons heard about her turning over and offering herself to a humanoid, let alone a ‘mere’ kobold, they’d laugh at her. But right now, she was too aroused to care. Right now, she had her favorite little helper right where she wanted him- waiting at the entrance to the temple that was her body, ready for some worship. “You’ve got an appointment scheduled in less than a minute, so don’t be late!”

“Well, I do keep my appointments.” Khalib hopped up on her spread leg, using that as a slope to get to her groin, then took a second to maintain his balance, positioning himself appropriately for the upcoming task.

“Well, shall we get started already?” He was already hard again- his turnaround time was incredible as always. Perhaps he was just exceptional, but Seozay didn’t need any other kobolds as long as he was here. As far as she was concerned, Khalib was worth as much as an entire pack of them in the bedroom.

“Stop taking so long!” Seozay spread her legs as far apart as she could, exposing her most intimate parts to the world. She wasn’t the largest of dragons- being ‘merely’ thirty feet long, since the oldest could reach lengths of up to fifty or higher. But ever since meeting Khalib, she didn’t mind her size so much- if only because if she was any bigger, mating with him would be quite impossible.

Which would be a cruel fate indeed.

Normally, dragons’ private areas were quite closed and well hidden on their undersides- it’s only when they needed to relieve themselves, or when ready for mating, that they were exposed. And Seozay was more ready for a good pounding than she’d ever been in ages.

“But if I go too quickly, you won’t have as much fun, will you?” Khalib chuckled, running his hands over the wet prize before him.

Her gaping pussy was a bright turquoise color that matched the highlights on her scales, with her puckered asshole in a slightly darker shade. After slobbering all over Khalib for the last several minutes, her arousal was quite evident- she was practically soaked already.

Two hemiclits were peeking out above her wet entrance- not terribly large by dragon standards, being only around two and a half inches each in length. Khalib often joked that at least they were easier to find on her than any other woman- remarks that made her miffed at first, but at least he knew how to use them. A fact that he demonstrated when Khalib placed his hands on them, rubbing them slowly- which made her grit her teeth and pant obscenely. She wasn’t proud of how sensitive they were, but at least it helped him make up the difference in size between them. Especially when Khalib knew just how to use them- using his small hands to really give them a good squeeze, making Seozay throw her head back in ecstasy. “Oh, gods, you really know how to handle those…”

“Well, of course- if I didn’t know how to treat your love handles, you’d be a very frustrated dragoness.” Khalib put on a sly grin.

“They are NOT ‘love handles’!” Seozay huffed, before getting tossed back into the familiar haze by his wondrous hands. Especially once he dove into her pussy with his cute little snout and gave her some affectionate slurps. Not going too deep- that would come later, along with her- but enough to get her throbbing even more. “I am- I am of a perfectly average weight for my age, thank you, I do not have love handles!”

Not that she’d ever been on a scale, of course, but she’d never tell him that.

“Of course, how rude of me. Perhaps I should call them something else?” Khalib jested.

“Just- just call them my clits, it’s FINE.” Seozay licked her lips. She was getting impatient, staring at that monster he had between his legs. Of course his member by itself wasn’t large enough to really get her going- if not for those lovely barbs and fat knot he had. Her asshole, on the other hand, was a fair bit tighter and just as sensitive- enough that she could really feel it when he stuck that barbed cock of his inside, and definitely when he used that bumpy, hard tail.

And it looked like Khalib was licking his lips in anticipation of what was to come- or rather, who. “Time to perform some, ahem, civic duties.”

Seozay groaned. “You used that line already… ANGH!”

Khalib started by sticking that spiky member right in her asshole- slowly, just to let her get used to all the pointy bits. Thankfully, she’d lubed him right up with her mouth earlier, so it wasn’t too painful for her- just painful enough that she liked it. Gods, he’s so small, but he knows just how to rile me up…

They’d tried doing it dry once and she’d nearly smacked him across the room in the throes of pain, which was a hard but necessary lesson for them both to learn. “Go… slowly at first, please…” Seozay gasped. “You don’t come often enough for me to get used to this.”

“Oh, I know I’d come a lot more if I could, you know that.” Khalib wiggled his brow suggestively.

Seozay groaned at his terrible double entendre. “You- stop talking and ravish me already, you little- NGH!”

He’d taken her advice and slid the bumpy knot inside. Even though she was so much bigger than him, she could definitely feel that thing- and it felt good. The bumpy ball of flesh poked at her most sensitive spots, sending a cascading wave of pain and pleasure through her very core. “Mngghh… good… keep going…”

“Oh my, if you keep going like this, you might need a sabbatical afterwards.” Khalib joked. Seozay, meanwhile, was too busy grunting like she was in heat. Every time he thrusted all the way inside, that big, bumpy knot slid past that tight ring of muscle- and he yanked it back out again just as roughly. Making it even better was the barbs on the front part, raking and scratching at her sensitive ass as he pulled out, sending shudders of pain and ecstasy through her. She was too big for his cock to properly stretch her out- but the bumps and barbs drove her wild with every stroke. And even then, he was going slowly- trying to draw out the moment as long as possible for both of them.

Khalib had stopped talking, being totally focused on the task at hand- with every thrust he made, he made an adorable little grunt that made Seozay’s heart flutter. She couldn’t resist reaching forward to give him an affectionate pat on the head. “Good… you’re doing so well, my little mate. You can go faster, though, can’t you? Come on, show this dragoness what you’re really made of!”

She clenched as hard as she could against his pointy, barbed rod, trying to draw as much feeling out of his motions as she could. She NEEDED to wring as much pleasure out of this as possible- after all, she had no idea when he’d be back to see her again!

And it worked- Khalib began to pick up the pace, and she could feel her orgasm beginning to build…

Gods, she’s even warmer here than in her mouth…

Khalib could feel sweat forming on his body from being so close to her warm holes. At her request, he’d finally started pounding her as hard as he could muster, yanking his barbed, knotted dong in, and out, getting ever more pleasurable moans out of his enormous lover.

And throughout the entire time, he never stopped squeezing those clits of hers- she was liable to get furious if he ever did, he knew from past experience.

Every time he slammed it inside, she clenched as hard as she could to try and keep him in her ass- but his member was too wet by this point, and she was simply too big. But he certainly appreciated the effort- it felt amazing, surrounding his sensitive knot with an immense warmth.

“Come on, Khalib…” Seozay moaned. “There’s a whole other hole you’re not using!”

“Well, if it’s an order from the governor, how can I refuse?” The gray kobold mused, as he adjusted his position on her groin.

“It’s not an order, it’s a polite reQUEST!!” Not needing to be told twice, Khalib had sunk his member into her pussy, which was long-wet from everything leading up to this. “Yes… gods, YES!” She roared. “Give me all that you have! NOW!!”

Hopefully none of her subjects hear this… Khalib thought to himself. But that was her problem to deal with, not his. He may not have been big enough to really stretch her gaping, turquoise entrances, but those pointy barbs and fat, bumpy knot stimulated her more than enough anyway.

Of course, he followed that up with sliding his bumpy tail into her now-empty ass, wriggling it around as much as he could while still humping her aching pussy. Good thing it’s all wet from the previous incursion… otherwise she definitely wouldn’t appreciate this.

“Yes, that tail… just like that!” The bronze dragoness moaned. “I can take all that you have to give, so don’t you DARE hold back!!” Obeying her request, he started synchronizing his motions- slamming his cock and tail into her holes at the same time, making her really start to roar. He swore he could see sparks of electricity coming out of her mouth- he hoped she had enough control to not accidentally zap him.

“Do the- do that thing. ” Seozay gasped. She was already losing her sense of decorum, but she didn’t care. This was a usual routine for them, and she didn’t need to specify any further- he already knew what she meant.

“Of course. Seozaynnae…” Khalib said, slowly enunciating every syllable. Time for some delightful ego-stroking- she’ll be going off in a few minutes if I do this correctly.

The bronze dragoness gasped.  “Good, you- pronounced it correctly… keep going…”

He continued, obliging the traditional draconic fetish. “Bronze Bastion, Governor of Koboldia…”

“Yes, keep going!!” Seozay moaned. “Keep it up, just like that!!” Thrashing her tail behind him, he could hear her knock something over. Whatever it was, he hoped it wasn’t very valuable.

“Savior of the-” Khalib stopped. He was trying very hard not to laugh at her last title- no matter how many times he heard it, it never failed to send him into hysterics, much to her annoyance. If Seozay didn’t love him so much, he was convinced she’d have eaten him for that level of disrespect by now.

“Why did you stop?!” Seozay groaned, baring her teeth, her eyes filled with a mixture of arousal and pure fury. “Say it!!”

Khalib couldn’t hold his laughter in anymore. “We both know I suggested that title as a joke.”

“Just because YOU see it that way doesn’t mean I didn’t take it as my own. Now SAY IT!” Seozay growled, staring intensely at him- a real If I didn’t love you so much, I’d smack you type of snarl. “I’m SO close to coming already, and you’re concerned about a silly title?!” She wondered if he was doing this on purpose, to fluster her even more- with Khalib being such a tease sometimes, she could never be sure.

“I can’t help it, that one is ridiculous-” Khalib chuckled.

“NOW!” Seozay began to shift her weight to the side, threatening to make Khalib fall off and out of her- which seemed to get the message across.

“Savior of the Small!” Khalib said hurriedly, scrambling for a handhold- unfortunately her clitorii were not large enough to properly grip as handholds.

“Good. Now hurry up and get me off already… I’m almost fit to burst!!” Seozay huffed, digging her claws into the wooden floor from the tension. After Khalib had reoriented himself, he resumed servicing her holes with an even greater fervor than before. Every time the barbs on his cock or the bumps on his tail slammed inside her, she let out a rumbling moan of happiness.

But eventually, he couldn’t hold back anymore, either. Khalib yanked his tail out of her ass, making her yelp- she knew what was coming. “Come on you- knot me!!”

Of course, she knew she was too big for him to properly get stuck inside- but they’d worked out an alternate solution- one she very much enjoyed, as he was well aware.

“As you wish, heh.” Manipulating his tail, Khalib slammed it inside her pussy as well, to have both of his instruments of pleasure playing a symphony inside her- and that was enough to finally get Seozay to release all that built up tension she’d been holding onto for a month. Her orgasm crashed over him as she let out a wave of sticky fluid all over his groin, squeezing him with every pulse, trying to drive as much of his sperm into her body.

They stayed like that for several minutes- his cock and tail both as deep in her pussy as they could go. Of course she was too big compared to him to knot her properly, he’d just slip out- but he knew she loved it when he stayed inside anyway. It took several minutes of panting and recuperation before either of them could move.

Gods… I’ve missed that, getting to forget about the troubles of the world for a moment and lose myself in the throes of passion. Hopefully my next visit won’t take so long…

Seozay reached over and patted him gently on the head with a claw. “Good… I’ve missed that so much. You have no idea how lonely it is here without you, my little helper.” She could feel the oozing dribble of his warmth inside her pussy- no matter how small of an amount it was, to her it felt good. After that pounding she’d received, it took her a second to get to her feet- her legs felt like jelly, wobbling and threatening to give out from under her for a brief moment. “Gods, you’re so good at that…” She sighed.

“Well, you know what they say about good things coming in small packages.” Khalib laughed. Seozay was too busy riding the afterglow to groan at his bad joke. Finally, she’d managed to get off properly- but he knew she wasn’t done. Gods, no. Gods willing, she was going to wring as many orgasms out of him as she could, and he couldn’t wait.

“I’m surprised you can walk after that. The way your legs were shaking, I thought you’d need more of a rest.” Khalib crawled towards her head, gently licking her snout.

“Oh, don’t you worry, I can still return that favor.” Seozay giggled. “Now, where did I put that mat…”

After a few minutes of looking, Seozay had finally located the object she was seeking.

“Ah, there it is.” Seozay reached up to the very top of one of the office shelves, pulling out the dark gray mat she kept on hand for special occasions like this. After all, if it was up there, her subjects certainly couldn’t find it- they’d be hidden in plain sight, as it were. Whenever they were up to something particularly messy in her office, she brought it out to make cleanup easier. After all, they didn’t want her son or her subjects coming in and seeing a pool of vaguely yellowish semen all over the floor, that would be quite embarassing.

According to Khalib, different types of dragons had different colored fluids- a general subtle tint, usually. Khalib had let slip that he knew that thanks to the grandmatriarch of the Brimstone family- but not HOW he knew that. And frankly, Seozay was sure she didn’t want to know the details.

Khalib was busy cleaning up the vase she’d knocked over earlier with her tail, having finished moving all the stuff off her desk and into the corner. Name tag, bowl of candy, several oversized coffee mugs with pithy slogans, the usual. “This wasn’t anything valuable, was it?”

Seozay rolled her eyes. “No… I’ll get one of my subjects to fix it later.” Frankly, she didn’t remember where half the things in her office came from- her subjects tended to pick up anything from the nearby beach as long as it looked valuable, and that vase was no different.

Shrugging, Khalib laid the mat over her desk, making sure to secure it in place with a few heavy rocks- after all, they didn’t want him to be sliding around while she was trying to maneuver herself onto his equipment. Especially since she couldn’t see him very well in the position she was about to use.

“Ahem. Let’s be careful, shall we?” Seozay said, breathing heavily, her excitement showing clearly in her tone. “We wouldn’t want any accidents, after all.”

“You know I brought plenty of healing potions just in case of such a problem- but don’t worry your pretty little snout. I know I’m in good claws.” Khalib climbed up onto the desk, laying down flat- except for his penis, which was standing up as straight as ever, ready to go. “Ready when you are… my mate .”

Khalib rarely used that word to describe her- presumably because whenever he did, it was a shortcut to kicking her arousal into overdrive. Come on, Seozay… remember to control yourself. No matter how big a game he talks, he’s a small little man that you could break instantly if you lose control…

Breathing slowly, she approached the side of the desk, stepping over it until she thought she’d positioned herself correctly. “Well, now… hold still, and let your governor take care of everything…”

Gently, with the touch of an elephant trying to avoid stepping on a mouse, she lowered her prodigious hips onto his waiting body-

And felt nothing, other than the soft blanket she’d laid on the desk. Gods dammit, not again! Just once, I’d like to be able to do this on the first try!

Seozay could hear Khalib chuckling from underneath her. “Just a little bit forward, Seozay. As much as I’d like to put my hands all over your stomach and for you to hump your desk to completion, we wouldn’t want to waste too much of our energy on that, would we?” He gently brushed her clitorii with his toes to accentuate the point, which sent a shiver up her spine.

“Gods, you-” His sardonic sense of humor never failed to annoy and amuse her in equal measure. “It’s very difficult to line myself up with you when you’re so small! And I can’t see you like this!”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll just use my tail to help you find the right spot.” Khalib said. “Give me a second…”
Seozay kept shifting her weight, scooting forward slightly- until, finally, she felt two familiar hard objects touch her inner walls- one long and bumpy, the other one short and covered in pointy barbs. He’d used his longer tail to help guide her to his cock, which he couldn’t really move.

Lowering herself again, Khalib let out a gasp. “Oh, that’s it. Now you’ve got the right spot.”

Knowing she was lined up properly, she clenched as hard she could around the intruding organ,
driving out another soft groan from the horny kobold beneath her. Good. Now I can really get you going…

As she continued her gentle bouncing, she felt another hard rod near her ass- his tail, which positioned itself in just the right way for her to slide onto- which she did with gusto, grunting at the momentary pain before it swelled into an even greater sensation. Khalib was wiggling his tail around inside her greenish blue depths- and making sure those bumps grinded against the walls of her ass. With every move, she was losing more and more of her self-control.

“Are you doing all right down there?” Seozay asked, after letting out a long sigh. She figured she knew what the answer was- he hadn’t pinched her to signal that he was in danger, after all- but it never hurt to ask. Especially since once she started moving, it would get increasingly difficult to stop.

Khalib, for his part, was already panting heavily as she serviced his throbbing members. “Gods, you’re like an oven, except… bigger, and softer…”

“Are you running out of pithy remarks, dear?” Seozay grinned, her tongue lolling outside her jaws. “Don’t worry, I’m sure I can inspire some more.” Up, and down again, she rode his cock and tail. No pinches or signs of distress- clearly he was just dandy down there. Just how she liked it. Clenching as hard as she could to get the most out of her diminutive lover, she rode him like a Sakuranese tabaxi attempting to mount a harengon, trying to balance furious mating instinct with preventing any broken bones. She could already feel herself getting wetter and wetter- her turquoise folds turning into a waterfall upon her lover’s body. “I want as much as you can give me, you manly little lover…” She gasped.

She loved feeling that little monster of a phallus scratch and bump her with every move, as she milked him harder and harder. Letting out a few sparks of electric breath by accident in her haze, Seozay could feel her tension and stress slipping away by the second.

Gods… I’ve missed this. Missed not having to worry about everything else in this village for a change.

Khalib was in heaven. If his fate in the afterlife didn’t have something like this waiting for him, he didn’t want it.

Having a huge, lusty dragoness riding on his sensitive member was a surreal experience, to say the least. He wondered if this was what flying too close to the sun was like- totally aware of the danger, but too engrossed by the warmth to care.

He was laid flat against the desk- seeing as if he sat up in any way, the shifting of her body would shove him back down again. So he was content to lay back and let her grind all her stress away on his exotic phallus, letting all that tension leak away and onto him instead.

So soft… so warm… I know I tease her a lot, but really, nothing could possibly compare. No wonder so many Brimstone ancestors brought dragons into the fold…

All Khalib could see was her soft, light blue stomach, and the nubs of her clitorii in his hands as he massaged them. He could practically hear her heartbeat as she nearly smothered him in her body- but, as ever, stopping just short of smothering or crushing him completely. He had his clawed toes grasping against her tail as tightly as he could muster- just to make absolutely sure he wasn’t going anywhere.

Can’t just sit here and let her do all the work, though. As much as I would like to- that’d be rude to treat such an exceptional lady in such a manner!

Gently moving his arms, he took hold of her hemiclits again- making the dragoness above him moan even louder. “Good… just like that. You know just what to do, don’t you… Go right ahead. Please.”

“Well, since you asked so nicely… I’d love to.” Khalib said. Making sure to rub those nubs as hard as he could, he bucked upwards to meet her gentle movements. It was a fraction of the strength she could supply when riding him, and his movement was greatly restricted by the massive draconic rear parked on top of him, but he couldn’t help it. And judging by the moans she was making, she surely appreciated it, judging by how she was picking up speed.

“More… mate me, as hard as you can… BREED me, you lovely, little- GNNGH!”

Khalib could barely hear what she was saying, owing to being mostly surrounded by a soft dragoness underbelly- but she sounded like she was having the time of her life up there. And he was more than happy to help her climb to even greater heights- like a little footstool she could use to get to the top shelf of mind-blowing orgasms.

She’s… gods, she is quite heavy. Still, though, she was soft enough that he would be fine. Hopefully. And if he wasn’t, he’d just pinch her.

As the intensity of her slams and squeezes increased, little by little, he knew exactly what was coming, and braced himself, reaching out to the sides to grab her soft thighs, hanging on for dear life. “Go ahead… Seozay…nnae- HNGH!”

He’d pronounced her name correctly, again, just as she was about to orgasm- that would make it even better. “GODS, YES!!!” The dragoness roared, leaving a ringing in Khalib’s ears for a second.

A dragon orgasm was something to behold, indeed, especially from this angle. He was already soaking wet from how much love juice she was leaking onto him, but when one was driven over the edge of pleasure while on top, being able to hold one’s breath for a couple seconds would help.

Seozay let out a loud, guttural roar that would send most knights fleeing, as all the tension he could feel in her body was released all at once. After the first crushing squeeze, he’d already blown his load- not that she could probably feel it over the veritable tsunami she was unleashing upon him. And she wasn’t even close to being done.

“Gods, Khalib- aanghh!!” Seozay growled as she clenched around his spiky cock as tightly as she could. Every contraction was punctuated by another splash of dragoness cum, that splattered all over him and the mat underneath. By the time she’d finished, he was completely drenched in her warm, sticky fluid. Eventually, he slipped free of her- her pussy was simply too wet and too large to keep a proper grip on him. But that wasn’t the end- he knew what was coming next.

“Good… I need to clean myself off, now.” Seozay gasped. “Stay right there, will you?”

“No objections here, Governor…” Khalib said, still recovering from what he’d just been through.

For a few minutes, she settled into another one of their usual routines. She began grinding her crotch against him- moving her turquoise vagina up to his face, then back down to his groin, back and forth again, trying to cover as much of his body as she could in her wet aftermath. Every move she made left more of a sticky mess on him- she was careful not to press too hard, lest she accidentally crack a bone. And finally, after she was done, she moved forward and off the desk while grinding her hips on him, leaving one last trail of love juice all over his body. 

Khalib sat up, casually attempting to swallow some of what she’d left on him, and expelling  what had gotten in his nose. “For someone who claims to value cleanliness, you’ve certainly made a mess of me.”

“Hmph. You’re lucky you’re so handsome. And don’t worry- I’ll clean you right up.” Seozay quickly got to work slurping up the aftermath of their latest mating, with as much gusto as ever. “Although… I’m not quite done yet. Perhaps we should take this outside, hm?”

Khalib chuckled. “Thought you’d never bring that up. Lead the way.”

The lovers had relocated to a very familiar spot- one they’d used many times before. Just a short distance away from her house, there was a very tall tree with a rock underneath it- their favorite, because it facilitated one of their favorite pastimes.

They knew which one it was because of one thing- the many claw and electric scorch marks on it, left by Seozay in the throes of passion. That, and the fact that it was permanently bent over from how many times they’d used it.

“You know, one day this tree is going to fall down, and we’ll have to find another one…” Seozay mused.

“Or we could use your house.” Khalib chuckled. “I’m sure it’s sturdy enough to handle a dragoness like you going at it-”

“I would sooner be caught DEAD than be caught performing such indecency right outside my office, in public!” The bronze dragoness huffed, electric sparks rising from her nose.

Khalib shrugged, not saying anything to refute her. You know, it’s not like this is any less public… any of your subjects could come along and see their governor humping one of their peers to completion.  Of course, he knew she was probably aware of this- whether she cared was another matter, but regardless, he had enough sense not to intentionally bother her about it. This time, at least.

Both of them knew the positions necessary for this act- they’d practiced it many a time. Seozay lifted her front legs off the ground, and grasped the tree trunk tightly to keep from falling over.

Khalib, meanwhile, got on top of the rock near the tree- one that, over the course of several years, had its coloration permanently altered by their many encounters here. Thankfully, nobody seemed to notice, though occasionally rumors went around about what was making those claw marks in the bark- to which Seozay always denied everything.

The sloped rock happened to put him exactly at eye level with her vagina when he sat down- a very convenient coincidence indeed. Khalib gently grasped her hemiclits and squeezed them- getting another moan out of the governor. “Stop- stop teasing me, already… just hurry up and get in there!”

Khalib was quite distracted at the moment, not responding to her pleas. He was staring directly into her dripping, turquoise entrance. It was much larger than your typical vagina, obviously. But he knew full well how tight she could be- more than enough to satisfy him, at least. Trying to take it slow, he gently began licking away at her- but Seozay was far past the point of patience.

In the throes of arousal and anticipation, she was steadily losing her inhibitions, and they were giving way to primal, furious lust. "Gnfghgh... you're away for so long... I need to make sure nobody else tries to claim you as their own!!"

Khalib cocked his brow, not that she could see it. "Oh my, are those draconic instincts coming out?"

"Stop talking, you could be using that tongue for something else!" Seozay spat.

I suppose I should give her what she wants. I’ve teased her enough tonight already.

Besides, he couldn’t hold back any more either, and so he dove headfirst into the ocean that was her dripping turquoise entrance. Of course, there was no way he could hope to reach her limit- but he could damn well try. The smell was overpowering, in the best way possible-

Surprisingly, breathing wasn’t as difficult as one would expect inside there- It was roomy enough that he could fit his entire head inside her. He could probably shove in more, but that was just asking for a broken neck.

The only potential choking hazard was the sheer amount of liquid she was generating- she was two orgasms deep into this encounter, and he could feel the aftermath of that dripping down his torso and legs already.

“YES! Yes, you little scaly stud!” Seozay grunted.

Khalib knew as well as anyone how sensitive dragons could be, and that a size mismatch was no object as long as proper technique was used. And he’d had over twenty years of practicing on her to fall back on.

Slurping as much as he could, he kept going. Of course his tongue probably didn’t cause much that much of a sensation given her size, but that was what her clitorii were for. As long he kept hold of those, she’d be writhing like she was in heat. And besides, he wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to taste as much of that emerald wetness as possible, as her delightful scent filled his nostrils.

“I- I can’t hold back anymore… get out of the way if you’re in danger, please!” Seozay was well and truly lost in a haze of lust, now. She humped forward unconsciously- she couldn’t hold back anymore. Now the fun was really going to begin.

Thankfully, the motion was slow enough that he didn’t lose his balance- that would ruin everything. At least, for now- he knew full well how hard she could hump, especially in her current state. And he was very excited to be on the receiving end of that.

As if I would want you to hold back, hm? Come on… show me why I fell for you in the first place.

Seozay gripped the tree tightly as she continued to grind her hips against her lover, with ever-increasing fervor. She could feel his drooly little tongue inside of her- the way it lapped away at her shuddering vagina was so adorable and ticklish, she couldn’t get enough But more importantly, his snout… She could definitely feel that. The way his horns bumped against her sensitive folds when she hunched forward, and the way he writhed from side to side, sent shivers up her spine. It must have looked so precious- she only wished she could see it.

He alternated between her clitorii with a regular rhythm, left, right, left right… Never letting up for a second, it was driving her up the wall. She wondered if all dragons were this sensitive in those spots. If so, no wonder they tended to go for humanoids often- they were the best at handling them, with their lovely little hands.

Gods… I don’t care what people think, I love him. I don’t want him to leave…

No matter how hard she humped against his face, he never stopped. Never stopped his furious rubbing of her clits, never stopped his vigorous licking as deep as he could go. He never lost his position on the rock, either, which was impressive considering her restraint was melting away by the minute.

After one particularly deep slurp, she gasped again and slammed her hips against his cute little head.. “Oh, gods. You- keep going! Just like that…” This was the closest she would allow herself to using her full strength when making love to Khalib- in all other instances, she was too terrified of crushing him flat. But her self-control was slowly ebbing away with every move he made.

“Look at how you’ve made me all hot for you… you lovely little kobold… NGH!”

Ever harder she thrust her hips forward, gasping in pleasure at the feeling of his horned head plumbing her depths. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t hope to reach her deepest parts- her clitorii were sensitive enough that expert use of them would send her crashing over the edge.

He could have pulled back at any point if he couldn’t breathe, but aside from a few short breaths, he remained utterly committed to diving as deep as he could.

But all of a sudden, Khalib let go of her clits and withdrew his snout, making her growl in barely-restrained rage. “Why’d you- why’d you stop- NNGH!”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’ve just had a better idea… stand still for a moment, would you?”

It took all of her willpower, but she managed to stop herself from moving. What could he possibly be planning- ANGH!

Khalib had just done something he rarely did. He’d gotten up and slid his tail right into her pussy, seemingly unworried at how hard she could clench it. Of course he does that. Without telling me!

“You- anggh, you haven’t done that in months! You said you were too worried about breaking your tail…” Seozay grunted, reeling from the sudden intrusion.

“What can I say, I’m feeling adventurous today.” Khalib chuckled. “You’ve been practicing that with your doll, haven’t you? Such techniques could really use a field test.”

He was entirely correct. She had been experimenting with humping her kobold doll from behind with the poseable tail angled just right. How he figured that out, she had no idea- she couldn’t be THAT predictable, could she? But that didn’t matter. What mattered was humping that fat, bumpy tail with everything she had.

So she did.

Moving her hips forward on that tail, which he somehow managed to keep as straight as an arrow… back and forth, squeezing it as tightly as she could. And yet, somehow, he didn’t move. He must’ve grabbed onto the tree to stay in place- all the batter for her to slam her prodigious hips against that glorious tail…

“You’d better… hold on, Khalib!” Seozay growled. Humping forward against Khalib’s long, bumpy tail, she couldn’t stand it anymore. He’d started wiggling it around inside of her every time she got close, trying to hit as many sensitive areas as he could. As he buried it to the hilt inside her dripping vagina, she could feel his little body at her entrance, stopping her from going any farther. Even though he wasn’t getting anything out of this, as far as she could tell, he was trying to make sure she had the best orgasm of her life.

“Khalib… Gods, I want you so much!!” Seozay screeched. She didn’t care about who heard it. She was head over heels for this little gray kobold, who’d entered her life and helped her feel complete- in more ways than one.

She couldn’t hold back anymore, and let out a massive roar as she unleashed one more explosive orgasm all over the back of her kobold lover. Eventually, however, she felt him pull his tail out of her wet entrance with a slick plop- but she was still a panting, reeling, drooling mess.

Seozay held onto the tree for dear life as she rode out the last few waves of pleasure, panting heavily. “Are you… all right down there? I hope I didn’t cause any injury… I just wasn’t expecting you to do that.”

Khalib laughed, getting to his feet. “Oh, please. That was so good, it swept me up off my feet!"

Seozay chuckled. "Oh, get up off the ground already, so I can clean you up.”

Seozay slid off the bent tree, the aftermath of her last orgasm watering the grass all around her. She could barely stand- she’d gotten so into it, she didn’t realize how tired she’d become.

Looking at Khalib, he was just as exhausted- not to mention absolutely covered in her sticky mess, idly licking up what he could reach on the tip of his snout. He didn’t seem the least bit concerned about what he looked like- she envied that.

Seozay shook her head. “Gods, you look a mess. We could always go to the beach, give you a quick rinse.”

Khalib merely continued to sit there expectantly. "Why would I go to the beach when I can take a bath right here?"

The dragoness chuckled at the implication. She knew he would say that. "Oh, you naughty man."

As Seozay dutifully slurped up any sign of her presence on him, she always made sure to praise him as much as she could. Not that she thought Khalib had any illusions about his size- in any sense- being inadequate for her, but she didn’t want to leave it for chance. “Good… you’re the best little helper I could ask for. Riling me up like that… Gods, I wish you could visit more often.”

Given his small size, the task didn’t take very long at all- but she made sure to give him several once-overs with her tongue, just in case she missed any spots. Even taking a quick plunge into his ass to surprise him, which made her little man jump a bit.

Khalib patted Seozay’s large snout affectionately. “You know, if the Empire does go down, perhaps we could make it official.”

Is he- is he implying- Oh, gods, I’m not ready for this yet! “...we could, but-”

The gray kobold moved to the side of her head, staring directly into her large, green eye- a major faux pas for dragons, since most saw it as a challenge. But mates were the special exception to that rule. “I know, you like the clandestine thrill of it, don’t you?”

Seozay looked away, embarassed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Anyway… we should get back to the house. Unfortunately, there’s no spare blankets anymore- the only one I had is, well, soiled now, so I’m sure you don’t want to use that.”

Khalib gently nuzzled his flustered mate, giving her snout a little lick to top it off. “You know, if you’re worried about your son or subjects discovering it, I could always take it with me.”

Seozay gasped. “You- and what would YOU use it for?!”

“Oh, just a simple reminder of my lovely mate. ” Khalib made sure to emphasize that word- dragons loved hearing that- and he knew Seozay liked it, as evidenced by her breath hitching as he uttered that word. “We could consider it even for the time I left one of my robes here and never got it back.”

“That-” Seozay growled, sounding increasingly flustered. “Nothing happened to that robe!! You must have lost it elsewhere.” She couldn’t bear to admit the truth- that he’d left it there by accident, and she’d gotten a little too excited getting his scent off of it. “Ahem. Anyway… let us return home.”

After returning to the house, Seozay gently curled up around him, nestling her snout into his lap as he reclined against her side. 

“Have I told you lately how much I love you?” She let out a soft breath, nuzzling into his chest gently. It was adorable, seeing such an enormous lady so vulnerable.

Khalib reached over to scratch between her nostrils. “Every time I visit, you do.”

Seozay slid her tongue up to run across his marked chest, fogging up his glasses with another breath. “I just hope that you’ll actually be able to stay for good someday…”

It has been twenty years we’ve been together… no wonder she’s a little impatient. “When the Empire falls, I promise the first thing I’ll do is come back here and not leave for a month. I’m sure you can think of plenty of things to do in that time, hm?”

Seozay chuckled. “Oh, I’ll have to cancel all my meetings for a month… that would be lovely.”

It didn’t take long for her to fall asleep, nuzzling and licking her favorite kobold as she dozed.

Khalib took far longer to nod off; it was a little bit difficult to rest when he had a massive dragoness head in his lap, snoring like a tree falling down. Of course, hearing her mutter in her sleep about him also kept him up for a bit.

“Mmph… Khalib… give me a pack of your own… want to be a broodmother…”

He couldn’t wait to tease her about that later. That would certainly get an amusing reaction, at least… though, if she was really that serious, perhaps not. Khalib was certainly a tease, but he wouldn’t play with a lady’s precious feelings that way.

Perhaps once his royal duty was taken care of, he’d be able to grant her wish.

Kobra couldn’t sleep, and it was driving him insane. 

He had been forced to listen to his captors mate like brooding lizards for the past several hours, and it was a horrible assault on his ears. Constant roaring about how she loved that gray little fucker- it made him want to vomit. Though he dared not, lest that bronze bitch follow through on her threat to eat him whole. All he had to do was bide his time and wait for an opportunity to escape.

And even worse, there was a doll in here. A… bizarrely lifelike kobold doll. It was green- just like him. It was about his height, too. And it had the name “Kissy” printed on the front in messy lettering.

But to Kobra’s mounting horror, it also had something else… around its groin area, a facsimile of… certain anatomy. With mounting horror, Kobra realized just what it was for.

Oh gods, she’s going to crush me! She’s a degenerate for the ages!! He was beginning to panic and scream internally. Mithra!! Please!! Get me out of here already!! I can’t take listening to this anymore! I might be next!

Kobra had been gnawing at the gag in his mouth. If he kept at it long enough, maybe he could free himself from his bonds and leave this blasted house. He hoped it would be possible- otherwise, that dragon would either kill him, or make his head explode with her incessant moaning, or something far worse!

If I get out of here, I’m going to punch that dragoness in the eyeballs, then spike all her coffee with dragonsbane!! And then burn that accursed doll!!

Unfortunately, he had made a grave error- while trying to shake the chair, he’d bumped into the shelf in the corner- and dislodged the doll on top, making it fall directly onto him!

MITHRAAAAAAAA!! HELP!!!

Author's Note:
The longest chapter yet... and it's all because I thought these two would be really cute together. At a whopping 13,169! (lol)
Wrote this while in the midst of a godawful cold with nothing else to do- hopefully it doesn't show too much, lol. This is just the first of MANY dragon pairings... have fun with that bit of anticipation! The plot will resume next time.
As always, there's some LOVELY art from @Dragon_Tamer8 here of the desk scene- he worked REALLY HARD on this one, so if you liked it, please let him know!!

Chapter Text

The Brimstone line, who have long been the scions of Dragonia, may be the most famous of Dragonborn- but they are not the only important family therein.

The Uroseth line, said to be descended from the last Mercury Dragon, has served the royal family of Dragonia for hundreds of years. The full scope of their abilities is unknown, but they are spoken of in fear by everyone who has seen them fight.

Rumor has it that the royalty of the Sakura Isles is descended from the same dragon as well, but that gossip is unconfirmed.

The current status of that bloodline is, as of present, unknown. And with the hostile takeover of Dragonia by the Empire, we may never see that lineage of warriors pop up again.

But there are always rumors swirling that their last remaining heir still lives…

-The History the Empire Doesn’t Want YOU to Know!

After the brutal fight with the mysterious Zehrion, Rex wanted nothing more than to collapse into a deep sleep. Rest up, recover his stamina for the next day. Get a break from the enormous pressures of his quest.

But, Rex did not sleep soundly. Not in the least.

No… not again! I don’t want to see this anymore!

Suddenly, he was back in his home, ten years ago. The towering castle of Dragonia, built from black stone and covered in enough spikes to impale a flock of eagles… But the inside was grand and welcoming.

He found himself in the throne room- an enormous, cushioned chair sat in the middle of it. It was carved out of scorched wood, and the top of it was tipped with a replica dragon skull. To some, it would look like the throne of a villain. To him, it represented everything he’d been raised for- everything he worked for. Suspended above the throne, the eyeball of the Archdemon, that one of his ancestors had assisted in killing several centuries ago.

Rex knew what was about to happen. The same vision had been playing in his head for ten years. He tried to move, but he couldn’t- his feet were rooted to the spot.

He could see his father, the great Regulus Brimstone- there, in all his glory- sitting there on the throne, reprimanding his younger, more foolish self. A common sight- but one he’d give anything to have back.

Gods dammit! I- I don’t want to see this anymore! Please!!

Rex wanted to say something, anything, that would be better than the last words he’d left to his father. But nothing he said could reach his father’s ears.

That terrible noise… he’d remember it anywhere. Rex felt like his skull was going to shake apart from the sheer volume of that horrid screech. It had been burned into his brain for years.

On the horizon, he saw the source of it. A towering, slender purple dragon, with wings so large she blocked out the moon… And soon, she crashed through the ceiling of the throne room, her amethyst form looming over them like a terrible avalanche, moments away from snuffing out their lives.

Mithra!

He wanted to scream. He wanted to do anything to draw that creature’s attention away, to keep that terrible scene from happening again… but no matter how loudly he tried to shout, not a sound came. Right before the dragon’s jaws closed around his father, and his younger self rushed forward in a blind rage, the scene shifted to an all-too-familiar sight.

The castle, burning in a raging inferno. The grand towers, crumbling to ash and rubble. The symbol of his kingdom’s greatness… nothing more than a smoking husk of embers.

And then Rex woke up, sweating and shaking in the back of the cart.

That dream again… will that nightmare ever end?

Rex’s head swam. He was dehydrated, and most definitely sleep-deprived. His head was resting against something soft.

“Hey, uh… you good?” Arandia’s normally gruff voice pushed through the fog his brain was in to reach his mind, and Rex finally began to wake up properly. “You were… having that dream again, huh?”

It took a second before Rex realized where he was. Wait, that’s- GAH!

He was leaning directly on her hairy abdomen. Rex jerked back, and quickly willed himself to regain his composure. “Ahem. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Thankfully, everyone else seemed to be asleep- except Sulvan, who was quite the early riser. He was trundling forward as usual- and for all his faults, Rex could at least trust the bactaur not to pry into his personal business.

Unlike some people.

Hurriedly, he shook the sleep off. It was almost dawn- he could see the sun slowly beginning to rise over the horizon- he had definitely woken up too early. Then again, if going back to sleep meant seeing more of that horrific scene… perhaps being tired and awake wasn’t such a problem.

Arandia looked at him, concerned. “You, uh… all right, boss? You got a bit roughed up yesterday.”

Rex sat up, clutching his head. “I am quite all right, thank you. Just a bit of a headache.”

The drider narrowed her eyes, a mixture of concern and annoyance on her face. “Really. Because to me it seemed like you were having that dream again… and it sounded worse.”

Rex cursed inwardly. Of course my body has to betray the thoughts I’d rather keep hidden! “Nothing you need to concern yourself with.”

Arandia laid a hand on his shoulder- a rare gesture given her general rudeness. “Want to talk about it over a pint? Drinking always works for me.”

Rex shook his head. He’d tried drinking to forget the memories- and it never seemed to work. As for talking about it- it was, quite frankly, none of his teammates’ business. “I shall consider it, though it might be something above your pay grade.”

Arandia rolled her eyes- they were pure red, but the rolling of her head gave the same impression. “Listen, jackass, I’ve been fighting to survive for decades. Nothing’s above MY pay grade. And you’re not fooling anyone with that stoic act.”

Stop asking, already! I do not wish to divulge my deepest failures with someone I’ve only known for less than a month!  Rex grunted, “With all due respect, they are MY problems to deal with. Not anyone else’s! I doubt your problems can compare with the pressures I have to-”

The drider sighed exhaustedly, not even letting him finish his sentence. “Bullshit. You think you’re the only one who’s had a terrible past?” Arandia growled. “Might wanna get off that high horse before you fall and get trampled. Besides, if you keep talking in your sleep, you’re gonna keep ME up. And that’s not gonna be good if your strongest warrior is too tired to fight, is it?”

Something was different about her cadence. Rex couldn’t quite put his finger on what, but… she sounded a bit hurt. 

“Besides, I… can probably relate to this mess more than you’d think.” Arandia said, with an unusual softness in her voice.

Rex’s building rage melted away instantly. What am I doing? She’s the first person to earnestly ask about my welfare- a total stranger. You’d be a fool to turn her away, you imbecile! And besides… good rulers don’t reject help when asked!

“Wait.” Rex spoke up. “I… appreciate you asking. Really. But, not right now. Later.”

“Cool. Well, that drinking invitation’s always open if you’re up for it.” Arandia stretched, yawning. “Well, assuming I can actually fit through the fucking doors in the next place we come to.”

The red dragonborn chuckled. “Oh, please. As if I’ll be able to fit through any of them myself- this is a hobbit town. They’re all around Usagi’s height… and unlike kobolds, they don’t regularly entertain larger guests.”

“Well then they’d better hurry up and learn how, cause we’re gonna need a lot of beer to drink away that mess yesterday!” Arandia threw her arm around Rex, pulling him close.

Rex was trying desperately not to stare at Arandia’s sizeable bosom. Good gods, they’re as large as grapefruits… Wait, stop staring… It’s improper to stare!

Rex was starting to feel a bit better already. He swallowed, and let out the words he was not at all used to saying. “Thank you. Out of all these people… you’re the only one who doesn’t make me want to slam my head through a wall. And you’re honest… a good trait to have in a servant-” He paused. These people were not servants- they were equal partners in his grand objective, or so he hoped. “No, a colleague.”

Arandia let out a snort of approval. “Ain’t that the fuckin’ truth, huh?” She smacked him on the back affectionately. “Somebody’s gotta tell you the size of the stick up your ass, otherwise you’ll never get it out!”

She cackled at her own terrible joke. Normally Rex would be offended, but he wasn’t. Either he was too tired to care, or the insanity of his companions was starting to rub off on him.

He dearly hoped it was the former.

Around half an hour later, Rex was still exhausted, but had managed to shake off the terror from his dreams- at least, for now. Arandia had fallen back asleep, snoring loud enough to wake the others easily.

The sun had begun its ascent into the heavens, bringing light to the grassy plains that surrounded the party. Thankfully, there were no suspicious stands of trees to bumble into anywhere nearby.

The rest of the party was slowly beginning to rouse from their slumbers, and most were rather slow to wake. Except Spacey, who was instantly up and ready to talk the ears off anyone who would listen. “Morning, everybody!! Man, I hope I can get some things to fix up the Force Cannon… it’s totally inoperable now after THAT mess with that dark elf. Ugh!”

Rex sighed. At least blathering with his compatriots would occupy his racing mind. “Hobbits are not the most mechanically inclined people. Your search might be better spent elsewhere.”

“Nuts.” Spacey pouted. “Maybe there’s some ancient ruins nearby I can, uh, excavate some materials from.”

“Didn’t realize you were taking after me.” Usagi chuckled, casually flipping a coin over and over in between his fingers. “I could always give you some tips on filching ancient artifacts effectively-”

“IT’S NOT STEALING! IT’S RESEARCH!” Spacey huffed. “After all, it’s better that such things are used to create new technology rather than sitting there rusting away! I’m sure it’s what their creators would want!”

Usagi pulled out a carrot and took a bite. “Indeed, I’m sure whoever made the components for your contraption appreciates getting their hard work blown to bits.” Rex didn’t know where he’d gotten it, and quite frankly he couldn’t care less. They were approaching the hobbit city of Sack-End, and he was grateful to finally get off the road for a change.

Finally, for the love of the gods… we’ve reached civilized society again!

Rex had visited here a couple of times as part of his royal education, albeit a very long time ago. Unlike Koboldia, nearly every place in here was sized appropriately for hobbits… which meant every door was short enough that he’d need to duck under. And there was no way Arandia was fitting in any buildings- the doors were far too small.

The food was delicious… I hope that one restaurant is still here. What was it called… Bed and… something.

Rex caught himself starting to drool a little bit, and quickly wiped the spittle away. He didn’t need to give his teammates any more ammunition to embarrass him with.

As the party approached Sack-End, Rex peered out over the town ahead.

Most of the houses- called hobbit-holes- were built into the sides of large hills scattered around, and they were connected by cobblestone pathways. Other than that, a few things stuck out almost immediately. 

A large, dilapidated-looking mansion loomed over the rest of the town. Given how small the rest of the domiciles were, it looked even more out of place. I’m sure that serves some purpose, but for the life of me I can’t remember it.

Off to the right, there was a large field filled with a bounty of crops. Hobbits were famous for their love of food and pipeweed, after all. He knew that from experience- he’d eaten quite a bit on his few trips here in his youth.

And in the distance, there was a large tree- much bigger than any he’d seen before. The leaves on it looked oddly dark. He didn’t remember that from last time he’d been here. Can trees grow that fast? Something seems odd about this.

“Oh boy!! I wonder what kind of candy I can get there…” Celeste said to herself, out loud, drooling very noticeably. Oh, for gods’ sake. Can you BE any more obvious?

Stephen, as usual, was keeping busy. “I wonder if they have a post office… I do need to deliver my latest work to the magazine. I’ve been a bit late with turning in my submissions recently…” Stephen muttered, while furiously scribbling in his notebook.

“Ooh, whatcha writin’ about?” Octavia leaned over to take a look. “Huh. What does Imperius Style mean?”
Stephen quickly turned beet red. “Ahhh, hah, that’s a- why don’t you ask Rex about that-”

Oh, gods, NO. Trying desperately to think of anything else to occupy the party to keep them from asking about the lewd conduct of his ancestors, Rex cleared his throat. “Everyone! Listen closely, I have some important information to dispense.” Thankfully, the party stopped their blathering for a minute.

“Ahem. About yesterday… Evelice, the Goddess of Light and Honesty, paid me a visit. She absolutely confirmed that the Orb we’re after is in the desert city of Pyrarin.”

A pause ensued. What? Is there a problem with this information!?

“And?” Usagi said.

“What- what do you mean ‘and’?” Rex spat. “Is- is a literal deity coming down from their high mountain to visit me not worth your attention?!”

The harengon shrugged. “No gifts, divine boons, anything? Seems like a lot of effort just to come here and tell us information we’d already inferred.”

“Laaaame.” Spacey groaned. “Could’ve at least given us some cool powers, or something. You didn’t even ask her for anything?!”

Rex looked around in a panic. Thankfully, no deities had come down to smite them for his insolence. “Don’t say things like that!! And besides, I- I was surprised! I don’t think any of YOU would think of being so presumptuous if a deity that could backhand you across the world appeared right in front of you!”

“I dunno, I would.” Octavia giggled. “Daddy doesn’t mind when I ask if he has a treat for me.”

“Your father is an exceedingly special case!” Rex snarled. “If I was to demand Drakoth grant me his powers… Well, technically, he did do that. But I had to swear an oath to serve his interests forevermore!”

“YOU had a goddess come to visit you, in person?!” Celeste seethed. “I’m not mad… Asteron can’t come to visit me in person, huh, stupid creator, HMPH!”

Rex was struggling not to laugh at her comical annoyance. She reminds me of an annoyed baby wyvern that didn’t get a treat. “Listen, we have almost arrived at Sack-End. We can rest, recuperate, get our bearings, and-”

“Get some more fuckin’ beer, how about?” Arandia had woken back up amid the commotion. “I’ve got one hell of a hangover right now…”

Rex sighed. This was going to be another long day.

The party approached the Mayor’s hobbit-hole, conveniently marked by a sign that said ‘Mayor Wisear’s office.’

“How the hell do you pronounce that?” Arandia muttered. “Wise-are?”

“Nah, it’s probably Whiz-ear.” Spacey responded. “I think.”

Rex didn’t know how to pronounce it either- and at the moment, he had bigger things to worry about. Like making a good first impression on the person in charge of this place. As the party disembarked from the cart, Sulvan walked away. “If you need me, I’ll be over at the inn.” He said in his usual stoic tone.

“Right, thank you.” Rex nodded, before turning to the rest of the party, half of whom were barely paying attention. “We must investigate the missing child- I shall speak to the mayor and inform her of the problem.” Rex said.

Celeste beamed. “Right! Let’s go and-”

No, no no no!! “Ahem. NOT YOU.” Rex growled. “I shall be the one to handle diplomatic relations for a change.”

“What?! I handled myself fine last time!!” Celeste pouted. “I even stopped an assassination!”

“Hey! I helped with that!!” Spacey would have spat, if she possessed a mouth. “We wouldn’t have caught that little dip without ME!”

“ENOUGH!!” Rex bellowed, which got the squabbling women to cease their bickering. “Between you and Spacey, you nearly drove my standing with Governor Seozay into the lavatory!! You two can WAIT out here while I talk to the mayor!”

He pointed to Octavia and Arandia. “The rest of YOU, go find an inn and reserve us some rooms.”

Arandia groaned, holding her head from her hangover. “I bet even the fuckin’ stables are gonna be too small for me this time… Trying not to step on these bitches is harder than it looks when you have eight legs!”

“They are really short, huh.” Octavia said, giggling. “Wonder if hobbit tossing is a thing…”

“It had better not be!!” Rex growled. “And YOU.” Rex pointed to Usagi. “You’re coming with me.”

Usagi shrugged. “This is because I’m short, isn’t it? Sadly to say, I don’t have any special advantages in dealing with hobbits just because of that.”

“No, it is because I don’t trust you to not hide away all day and not do anything productive! Or steal something!”

“You really think so little of me?” The harengon chuckled. “Then I suppose I shall lead the way. Mind your head in there!” He gently opened the door to the hobbit-hole, and slipped inside.

“Um… what am I supposed to do?” Stephen said.

“I don’t- go find some information, or something.” Rex sighed. “As long as you don’t make a nuisance of yourself to the populace.” With that, he left the rest of the party outside… and hoped he wouldn’t come back out to see Sack-End in flames, or some equally embarrassing fate. He could never know with these hooligans.

Rex had to duck to get through the small door- and immediately after, smacked his head on a low-hanging lamp. Argh! Blasted thing!

Thankfully, the lamp wasn’t broken- that would be a profoundly embarrassing first impression, and his compatriots would never let him hear the end of it.

Usagi looked back and let out a sly chuckle. “Having trouble, Your Highness?” Rex merely shook his head, even as it throbbed in pain.

Compared to the last town being governed by an adult dragoness, the person in charge of this one was substantially less intimidating.

She was a fairly normal-looking hobbit, sitting behind her desk. Her brown hair was long and curly, and she wore a simple green dress Half of it was covered in a massive pile of papers, and the other half was covered in an equally massive pile of various foodstuffs- which she was steadily devouring at a rapid rate, even for hobbits. Her hairy feet were up on her desk in a most uncouth manner.

“Oh my. She can certainly put away a lot, can’t she?” Usagi muttered. “Reminds me of a certain informant-”

Rex elbowed him to shut off any potentially offensive remarks. “Keep your tongue behind your teeth! We do not need to offend MORE political officials!”

“Oh, don’t worry about that, she’s not my type at all.” The harengon muttered. “Too short, for one thing.” He would have continued, but a fiery glare from Rex shut him up for good. At least for the moment.

The nametag on her desk read ‘Hilga Wisear- Mayor’. Rex sighed. He still didn’t know how to pronounce that. “Ahem, Mayor Wise-ear-”

“Oh, that’s wrong, sorry.” Rex winced. He knew it was only dragons that were liable to get angry if their names were mispronounced, but the blunder still filled him with embarrassment. “It’s pronounced Wise-are. Like a real wise-arse!” Hilga chuckled at her own joke. “But in all seriousness, do you have an appointment? I’m very busy right now. My daughter’s missing, there’s reports of people getting sick, and-”

Hilga paused, looking up and down the red dragonborn. “Wait a minute, I’ve seen you before… Rex? Brimstone?” Hilga squinted, before letting out a loud gasp of recognition. “Oh, gods, it’s YOU?! It’s been over ten years!!”

“Yes, it has…” Rex muttered. Please, don’t bring up what I did last time I was here… Usagi doesn’t need to hear about it.

“Oh, do you two know each other?” Usagi said, cocking an eyebrow.

“Oh, he was quite the holy terror back in the day… but what teenager wasn’t, heh?” Hilga chuckled. “I remember when you accidentally broke the-”

“Ahem! Perhaps we can… let the past be?” Rex stammered, not eager to let his teenage embarassments become common knowledge.

Thankfully, Hilga seemed to get the message. “Right, princes have to keep their dignity, eh? What brings you all the way out here, your highness? I thought you’d kicked the bucket when Dragonia fell!”

Rex wasn’t used to people actually being excited to see him. “Thankfully, I escaped that disaster. As for why I’m here… well, I was in the area, but I have ill tidings to report. Have any children gone missing recently?”

Hilga’s expression darkened, as she reflexively took a huge handful out of one of the meat pies on her desk- she seemed to be stress-eating heavily. Her manners were appalling, but Rex did not want to risk upsetting their hostess. “Yes, actually. My daughter went missing a few days ago.”

Oh, dear. Well, at least we’ll have a lead for that. “Well, someone was attempting to impersonate your daughter. A sort of odd, living doll, summoned by a witch. For what purpose, I am unsure- but it must have been a nefarious one.”

“Indeed.” Usagi said. “Have you received a ransom note, or anything of that nature?”

“Nothing of the sort.” Hilga shrugged. “I don’t understand it- she disappeared one day, but never came back- there’s been search parties going out every week, but nobody’s found anything! And that’s not even the only problem we’ve been having! Some people have gotten sick from the harvest recently. It’s quite a worrying prospect. We can’t figure out what could’ve done it!”

“Never fear, we shall rid you of these problems!” Rex proclaimed, attempting to raise his hand dramatically- only to whack it on the low ceiling with a loud thud, sending Usagi and Hilga into a fit of giggles.

“It’s appreciated, really.” Hilga said. “I do hope you’ll have results- after all, everyone around here’s been trying to get to the bottom of this, and had no luck.”

“We shall try our best.” Rex said. “And, um… if any Empire folk  happen to come by-”

“Oh, I won’t say a thing. Mum’s the word!” Hilga winked. “And if you can find my daughter… I might be able to get a nice reward for you!”

That would be lovely, wouldn’t it. Rex nodded. “That would be a lovely thing indeed. Come along, Usagi-”

“Oh wait, there’s one more thing that would interest you.” Hilga interrupted, nearly making Rex trip out of surprise. “There's this group of bards that showed up last week- one of them’s a blue dragonborn. Maybe they've seen something."

Rex's blood froze. He knew exactly what that could be referring to. Oh gods, not HER. “Duly noted. We shall let you know if we have any results.”

As Rex exited the mayor’s house with Usagi following close behind, he was dreading what he’d encounter. Thankfully, Arandia and Octavia had presumably returned from reserving rooms. But one look to the side justified all his dread. Oh, gods, she’s here… Why me?!

A blue dragonborn was loitering outside the mayor’s house, smoking a pipe and blowing smoke rings. She was a few inches taller than he was, sporting a long, slender tail that trailed behind her. Instead of horns, she had long tendrils snaking down the back of her head. Her outfit vaguely resembled a traditional bard getup- but much, much more revealing. A corset surrounded her torso, making her already noticeable chest even more prominent. The skirt barely reached low enough to still qualify as a skirt and not undergarments. She wore leggings that cut off before her feet, presumably to prevent them from being ripped apart by her claws, and her thighs were covered in practically see-through stockings.

Rex knew exactly who this was- and he sighed, bracing himself for a thoroughly embarrassing day. “Hello, sister…”

A familiar, sly grin stretched onto her cerulean snout. “Hello, little brother.” Rex gritted his teeth. First my uncle, now her. I’m not ready for another embarrassing family reunion!! “Uncle told me you were in the area, and it’s been so long since I’ve seen you last…”

“Who’s that, your ex or something?” Arandia shoved him lightly. “Damn, didn’t take you for a heartbreaker.”
Arandia, sometimes your lack of tact is a bane. “She is my sister. ” Rex groaned. “And we… do not get along, to say the least.”

“SISTER?!” Celeste screeched. “You have a sister?!” Yes, make a big deal of it, why don’t you!? 

“Brother, you haven’t told your companions about me? How disappointing. Well then, I can introduce myself instead.” The blue dragonborn performed the most over-the-top curtsy possible- which, given the shortness of her skirt, looked profoundly ridiculous. “Rarity Brimstone, pleasure. And who are these fine people?” Rarity stared at Celeste and sized her up, sporting a very unimpressed look. "...her? Hm. Suppose there's something for everybody... could use some more meat on her bones, though."

Rex groaned. "IT IS NOT LIKE THAT!!”

Celeste frowned. “Yeah! I am a perfectly healthy build for my age… wait, how old am I again?”

The blue dragonborn’s gaze shifted across the party. “Rabbit’s too short…” She stopped when she got to Stephen. "Too skinny. Didn't know you swung that way, little brother. Was it the fancy noble clothes?"

"I do not, as you so eloquently put it, ‘swing’ that direction!" Rex groaned. “Not every party arrangement is like YOURS.” Stephen, for his part, was too nervous to say anything- but he was blushing quite furiously.

Rarity continued to ignore his protests. At last, her gaze went to Arandia, and the blue dragonborn licked her lips. “Oh, my. You wouldn’t happen to be single, would you?”

Arandia chuckled. “Uh… sorry to burst your bubble, but I don’t really play for that team, if you know what I’m sayin’.”

Rarity shrugged. If she was disappointed, she did an expert job of hiding it. “Shame. I’m sure I could think of an instrument for you to play… Oh well.” Rarity looked Arandia up and down, as if appraising her toned body. "You know, you look like you could carry a lot of people with that big abdomen..."

"Yeah, I had to give Rex a ride a couple times." Arandia snorted.

The blue dragonborn cocked her scaly brow, cracking a toothy grin. "Oh, did you?"

It took a second for Arandia to get her meaning, but as soon as it hit her, she took another hit from slapping her palm to her face. "...what the fuck, no, not like THAT!"

"That’s right!! It was purely for reasons of speed and ensuring a quick getaway!"

Rarity chuckled. "Of course it was, little brother. I’ll take your word for it… I see your skin hasn’t gotten any thicker since I’ve seen you last.”

“And why are you here?” Rex groaned. “It can’t be a coincidence, can it?”

“Well, my band is supposed to play here today.” Rarity gestured to a large wooden stage in the center of town. “We’re busy touring, and we figured we’d stop here, pick up more pipeweed, you know, the usual.”

“A band, you say.” Usagi said. “How intriguing… it has been a while since I’ve gotten to see some, ahem, live entertainment.” Rex didn’t like the way he paused in the middle of that sentence, but any further thinking about it would send his mind into less proper places than he was ready for.

“Oh, yes. Rarity and the Rough Rockers- you should come get a ticket, we’re unlike anything you’ve heard before.” Rarity grinned slyly. Rex rolled his eyes. I can verify that statement. My ears would never be the same after hearing… that. “ Well, nobody’s going to come to our show if they’re busy looking for some little kid…” Rarity sighed. “I’ve got my bandmates looking, of course, but if you could assist that’d be a really big help. And I’ll make it worth your while.”

“I do not smoke those herbs you love to partake in. And I would need something a little more tangible than a live performance of your-” He paused, reigning in the choice words that filled his mind. “Music. After all, I have a quest to fulfill!”

Rarity sighed, letting out a couple crackles of electricity. “Picky as always. Fine. Help me with this, and I’ll let you know some juicy gossip- you know how often information flies around at bars.”

She always seems to know things no one else does… as long as it’s not the location of some bachelorette that she’s picked out for me, it will probably be useful. “Fine. I can supply my aid… in exchange for useful information, please.”

Rarity condescendingly patted him on the head. “Thanks, little brother. And don’t worry- no blind dates this time.”

Rex sighed. He was still worried about the chaos she could wreak, but-"Thank you, Domina-"

Rarity grabbed him by the horn, glaring at him intensely. Gods- damnit- I shouldn’t have said that!! “Call me that again and I'll tell your cohorts about the wyvern incident."

Rex’s blood ran cold. “No, please, not that!!”

“Good.” Rarity let him go, and waltzed off to god-knows-where. “Our show’s tonight, so if you want tickets… let me know! I’ll be off investigating that old mansion if you need me.”

You would think being her only blood relative would give me proper naming privileges… But, perhaps not.

After Rarity left, Rex let out a sigh of relief. He was free of the madness she brought… for a while.

Unfortunately, he knew she was right- that mansion WAS the most convenient spot to investigate… and quite frankly, he didn’t trust any of the others to not embarrass themselves in front of his sister.

Except Usagi, perhaps. He’d handled himself decently enough with the mayor. Not quite enough for a reappraisal of his character, but better than I was expecting.

Rex occasionally wondered if he was too harsh on her at times. After all, she WAS one of his only living blood relatives… but she tested that bond VERY frequently sometimes, what with her wanton cavorting, improper vernacular, and ceaseless touching of his nerves.

“You… wouldn’t happen to know if she’s single, would you?” Stephen asked nervously, breaking Rex out of his trance.

“No. My sister is cavorting with two other people- possibly three, if she’s picked up anyone else since the last time, which is as far from single as you could possibly get.” Rex sighed.

“Oh.” Stephen looked sheepish, before perking up. “…is there a position open?”

Rex’s nostrils flared, smoke rising from them as his rage started burning again.“ASK HER YOURSELF!”

“Welllll… unless you need me, I NEED TO GO TO THAT CANDY SHOP, THANKS, BYE!!” Celeste hollered, before bolting off.

“Fine. Go. At least you’ll be out of the way of anything important…” Rex said, to no one in particular. He turned to Stephen and Spacey, who were busy commiserating amongst themselves. About torrid literature, no doubt… “Somebody should investigate the crop problem. You two-”

“Yeah, yeah, investigating…” Spacey muttered. “Sure. Should be quick. Probably.” She returned to comforting Stephen. “Listen, buddy, there’s plenty of fish in the sea- at least you didn’t hit on her before finding out she was taken this time.”

“I suppose that is a small mercy…” Stephen muttered, as the two pinkest members of the party wandered off. Rex was fuming- the less he heard about his sister’s romantic exploits, the better.

“Soooooo…” Octavia said, poking him on the back of the head with a tentacle. “What’s that wyvern incident, huh?”

Oh, gods. Rex knew someone would ask about that. If only Rarity could have kept that blue snout of hers shut for a change, he might be able to maintain some scrap of dignity. No such luck. “It is none of your concern, merely an embarrassing anecdote from my past.”

“C’mon, you gotta tell us a LITTLE bit…” Octavia poked Rex’s snout. “What’d you do? Any injuries? Deaths? Or was it something more-” The purple octomaid gasped. “Oh, was it something more SCANDALOUS?! Ooh, now THAT’S exciting!”

Rex groaned. She’s not going to let this go, is she. If I don’t tell them SOMETHING, they might start spreading awful rumors about me… “It was a simple accident when learning to ride a wyvern. Nothing more than that.” Rex hoped that would be the end of the embarrassment for today- unfortunately, he had once again underestimated the depths his companions could sink to.

“Man, if you had a wyvern, that’d be really convenient for fights…” Arandia sighed. “Ever considered taking that up again?”

Rex’s eye twitched. “I am horribly out of practice, so that is not an advisable course of action.”

Arandia nudged him slightly. “Well, you could always practice riding on me, instead. Might help you keep your balance!”

“WE ARE DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION. Don’t you have anything better to do with your time?!” Rex snapped.

“Right, right, cool your dragon breath. Uhh… Hey, you.” Arandia shrugged off Rex’s usual bluster and pointed to the octomaid. “Want to check out the bar? Heard hobbits have some good booze…”

“Oooh. Wonder if that keg by the side of the road came from here…” Octavia mused.

“Please, for the love of the gods, try not to get into too much trouble!!” Rex growled at the two alcoholics- but they were already off. “At least they probably can’t fit into the bar themselves. That’ll prevent any undue nonsense.” Turning to Usagi, he pointed to the mansion. “Usagi! We have a missing child to locate!” Rex announced, desperate for anything to distract him from embarrassing conversations.

The harengon was already scoping the place out from a distance, with the usual sly gleam in his eye. “Am I allowed to steal anything from that mansion, perchance?”

“As long as it isn’t anything irreplaceable. And as long as the mansion isn’t haunted.” Rex sighed. I suppose I should let him indulge his grubby little hands, lest he steal something in an altogether more inconvenient place.

Not so far away, near the Pasnot Mountains…

Another dragonborn warrior was having much more pleasant dreams than Rex was, and snoring like an avalanche. That’s right… you won’t have to worry about anything. I’ll protect you-

A large tongue dragged across his face, disrupting the dream he was having. “Papa, wake up!”
Exirion shifted a bit, but kept on snoring. He was an extremely heavy sleeper- something which his adoptive daughter did not appreciate.

Tyrun, the crystal dragon wyrmling he’d adopted after he’d ‘liberated’ her egg from a shady merchant, headbutted him to rouse his slumber. Among dragons, she was an odd-looking specimen indeed. Her tail was split into two smaller whip-like appendages, and she had a few small gems hovering around her oversized head. A small cloth bag hung around her neck- a personal bag of holding for growing her personal hoard, capable of storing much more than its meager appearance would suggest. “C’mon, papa! I found something shiny, get up! Unless you want me to keep it…”

The mercury dragonborn sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Fine, fine, I’m awake.” She’s getting more shrewd by the day… she’s too young for that.

Exirion slowly got to his feet, stretching his arms. As a Mercury Dragonborn, he was blessed with a significantly greater frame than his peers. Almost eight feet tall and built like a statue, his muscular physique had been honed over almost ten years. Continuous training, lots of arena fights, and having to keep with a dragon wyrmling with a penchant for mischief- the best workout routine in the world. He was particularly proud of his tail, which was nearly as long as he was tail, and muscular to boot.

As he got up, he brushed a somewhat pointy rock out from underneath his back. It didn’t hurt, really. He was used to sleeping on rocky ground- he always tended to give the one bedroll he had to his precious adopted daughter.

“Good morning, papa!! I made you breakfast!!” Tyrun dragged over a large bird- Exirion couldn’t tell what kind it was, given the state it was in- and dropped it in front of him, practically beaming.

Exirion gulped. Oh, dear. Tyrun’s breath weapon took the form of a cone of light, which rapidly heated up anything under it. Unfortunately, due to her age, she lacked the experience necessary to use it properly.

Needless to say, she’d overcooked her prey, again. Oh, well. There’s always next time.

“Unfortunately, I cannot eat this- but you can have it all to yourself. You’re a growing girl, you need it more than me- in just a few years, you’ll probably be taller than me, even.”

“Okay!” Tyrun immediately began digging into the scorched carcass, devouring it in a matter of seconds before letting out a loud belch. “Oh, somebody left a letter for you…” She pulled out a metal envelope from her bag, and nudged it over to Exirion.

Hm. How fascinating. “There is no post office here. Where did it come from?”

Tyrun tilted her head. “A bird dropped it.”

Oh no, not again. Exirion bent down, his face as stern as ever. “Tyrun, what did we say about burning up carrier birds? Those are expensive, and whoever owned it wouldn’t be happy- and I cannot afford to replace them.”

“Don’t worry- this one wasn’t the one that delivered the letter!” Tyrun giggled.

I hope that doesn’t mean she tried to burn it up and missed… He was familiar with this specific type of delivery- being one of Dragonia’s royal guard meant he had experience with their odder practices. The envelope was made of sheets of metal- specially made so that the contents wouldn’t be damaged by the elements on the way to the destination.

And, most importantly, it was addressed to him. With a small puff of acidic breath to loosen the metal, Exirion extracted the contents of the envelope and began reading- he would recognize that handwriting anywhere.

‘Hello, Exirion! It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Rex is in the area- I hope you two can team up. He’s on a big, important quest, you see. Gathered a proper party of seven- but, there’s always room for an eighth!

He really has made some substantial improvements since you both last met- off trying to get his kingdom back and change the world for the better. Why, he might even be able to ride Old Gloria properly this time! I hope you’ll consider meeting up- after all, what’s the point of training constantly if you don’t put that strength to good use?

Your fellow servant, Khalib’

Most curious. How did that old man find me, anyway? Exirion put the letter in his bag. “Well, Tyrun, we shall be heading back to Taurion sooner than expected.”

Tyrun perked up. “Ooh, what for? Did a strong guy for you to fight pop up?” Exirion often visited that place when a new, promising challenger appeared- he needed to continually test his mettle, after all, lest he get soft.

“Of a sort. A long-lost acquaintance has reappeared- and it would be prudent to investigate.” Rex Brimstone… how long has it been?

"Who's Rex, papa?" Tyrun jumped up and put her front legs on his back, staring him in the face with the aid of her long neck.

Exirion chuckled. Somehow, he kept forgetting that Tyrun possessed telepathic abilities. Policing his thoughts so she wasn’t exposed to anything particularly naughty was sometimes quite difficult. "Someone who, hopefully, has learned a lesson I tried to teach him over a decade ago- and, with luck, is worthy enough that I may return to his service. In some ways, he is like a brother…”

Tyrun gasped, falling down from Exirion’s shoulder. “Wait, you’re related?!”

Exirion shrugged, his tone totally unchanging. “Not by blood, no. But by fate and circumstance.”

The crystal dragonling drooped her head, looking slightly sad and dopey. “Aw. No uncle then…”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll want to meet him anyway- provided he’s matured a bit. He was quite a holy terror when he was younger- and I do hope he’s improved since then. Why, he tried to fight me once, and it… did not go very well for him, to say the least.”

Tyrun looked up at him, jaw dropping. “Fight YOU? Papa’s the strongest I’ve ever seen!!”

The mercury dragonborn shook his head and cracked a slight grin. “Rex was not always the brightest torch in the dungeon, so to speak. Well, among other things, he attempted to ride a century-old wyvern. It… did not go very well, to say the least.”

Tyrun took another nibble from her scorched breakfast. “He sounds like a dumbo.”

Exirion let out a long sigh. “...I wouldn’t say that, merely… short-sighted at times. I would hope he has learned to treat such beasts with respect… especially since the wyvern in question sat on him afterwards. It is fortunate the palace had many clerics on staff to heal him.” He got to his feet, having finished putting on his armor. “In any case, we should make haste so that we do not miss him when he gets there.”

Tyrun jumped up on Exirion, her front paws on his shoulders. "Oh, is papa going to carry me to the arena?"

"Where’s all that energy from earlier from when you were waking me up, hm?"

The crystal dragon gave him an affectionate nuzzle and lick. "Papa’s too slowwww... I can fly so much faster than you! And besides, I’m gonna get big soon, so I have to do this while I can!”

“That is a valid point indeed.” Exirion couldn’t say no to that cute snout. “All right, then. Lay down, so I can get a proper grip” Tyrun knew exactly what to do, and sprawled down on her back. Exirion put his arms underneath and hoisted her up, making her giggle. She was indeed heavy- but he was blessed with enough considerable strength that it wasn’t an issue. Yet.

“Papa, papa! Can we go to Mooters when we get there?” Tyrun asked.

Of course she asks that… I don’t know why I’m surprised. Exirion moved forward down the path, he gave his usual spiel. “If you’re on your best behavior while we’re there. No burning up anyone’s possessions, no stealing anything shiny, no jumping on anyone but me.”

Tyrun put on her patented ‘wyrmling eyes’, trying to look as cute as possible. “What if somebody GIVES something to me?”

Exirion was perfectly prepared to counter any attempts to bypass the rules he’d laid out. Raising a wyrmling was a challenging prospect when she could easily bowl him over. “Then that is a tribute, and it is perfectly acceptable to accept. But they have to offer it first.”

Tyrun giggled. “Yay!! I wonder if I’m big enough to start getting those now…”

Exirion sighed. “You are only six years old.”

The crystal wyrmling pouted. “But I’m real big for my age! You said so!!”

“You’re still too adorable to inspire tributes on a regular basis, though.” Exirion chuckled. Well, Rex Brimstone… let’s see if you’ve learned anything since our last bout.

Author's Note: Slightly late, sorry about that. Lotta important stuff to bring in to this chapter...
Anyway, here's the big boi Exirion Uroseth himself, courtesy of @Dragon_Tamer8, who has so generously lent him to this plot. He'll be important... when the time is right, heheheheheheheheheheheheheh

Chapter Text

In the year 0, in the aftermath of the War of the Gods… the Archdevil rose, the hatred and negative emotions of mortals given form. The deities fought her fiercely, and managed to seal her away in the deepest pit of the Underworld- hoping she would never haunt the world again.
But as long as there is evil, she could never truly disappear…

In the year 666, the Archdevil threatened to break her bonds once again- and if she was free, she would plunge the world into eternal darkness. Sensing the danger, the Prophet Gaius gathered six mighty heroes to venture into the Devil’s Dungeon. Their quest; to seal her away once more! 

The Devil’s Dungeon was a terrible realm indeed. Nine floors of horrific monsters, and torments beyond measure. Many lesser men have fled screaming, or been driven mad by the evils within. Each of the seven was tested to the brink of their moral and physical fiber by the Archdevil’s machinations, and by the Guardians that paved the way to her resting place.
But, miraculously, the seven heroes made it to the bottom floor. They fought fiercely against the tyrannical Archdevil and accomplished their goal- trapping her for several more centuries to come.

Though the cost was steep indeed… of the seven brave warriors who made the trek, only two lived to tell the tale- and our beloved Prophet Gaius was among the casualties.

Celeste was wandering through the dirt roads of Sack-End, totally and completely uncaring of the confused gazes of the populace as she blathered to herself- or rather, to Asteron.

“Listen, Asteron, I will attend to the matter of the missing kid later.” She sighed. “But I nearly DIED yesterday, I deserve a treat, thank you!!”

Celeste looked around. Several of the hobbits in the area were looking at her like she needed to be locked away for her mad ramblings- a mixture of pity and confusion. It was a common sight for her, but she was used to it. Not everybody understood the virtues of Asteron, after all.

Though …maybe I should stop saying things like that out loud. It might attract some undue attention. “Now, to that candy store…” She needed something to take her mind off that stressful task. And some other things she was trying to push out of her mind. But before she could enter it, something else caught her eye.

There was a stone statue sitting in the center of town. It was clearly well-maintained- despite the chips and cracks of old age, there was nary a spot of dirt or a stray vine on it. A hobbit, clad in a simple cloak, shirt and pants. He had a bulbous nose, a head of long, curly hair, and an audacious grin. He held a crossbow tightly in his small arms, and an ornately-decorated smoking pipe at his belt.

Hm. Wonder who this could be. Celeste turned her gaze to the base of the statue. On it was a metal plaque that read,

‘IN MEMORY OF SAMFORD PIPPERY OF THE SEVEN HEROES. MAY HIS SACRIFICE TO SEAL THE ARCHDEVIL PROTECT US ALL FOREVERMORE.’

There was a small bit of text at the bottom that read ‘statue is not scaled to size’.

Celeste stared at the statue, narrowing her eyes. Something bothered her about this. First of all, it was a fair bit taller than all the other hobbits in the area, nearly five feet. Sheesh, how tall was this guy, actually then? This thing’s shorter than me already. 

But even ignoring that, something was off. She couldn’t explain it, but she felt a profound sense of deja vu.

"I feel like... I feel like I KNOW this person, but how..." She muttered. And this wasn’t the first time, either. As of late, she’d been feeling that a lot lately.

Ever since she’d met that dark elf- Zehrion, she’d been thinking about things she’d never considered before. The way he’d gone on and on about how she ‘didn’t deserve the power she had’- the way he seemed to know so much about her- and those eyes, full of hate. Something about that didn’t sit right with her, in a way that she couldn’t just brush off.

It’s not like I’ve earned the favor of Asteron through great deeds. She’d always had it- as far as she knew, anyway.

And that wasn’t the end of the mysteries, either. There were certain bits of information that she just couldn’t remember, no matter how little sense it made. How old she was… who her parents were, if she had any… how she’d even become the High Priestess in the first place. From what she could remember, she’d always been in that position. But thinking about it now, something felt slightly out of place about all of it.

This stuff seems like it’d be really important, so why… why can’t I remember any of it?

It had never really occurred to her before- after all, Asteron guided her wherever she needed to go, so it was never necessary knowledge.

But, if people are coming after me because of stuff I did in the past… that seems like something I should know, right? She figured she’d ask Asteron- after all, he knew everything.

“Excuse me, Asteron?” Celeste said softly. “I feel like there’s something I’m missing… between that one guy and this statue… So, can I get a hint, please?”

Celeste waited for a long time… but there was no response. Not even one of his usual cryptic couplets. She knew it was probably for a reason- after all Asteron knew everything. But… even though she didn’t know what her relation to these people were, there was a tinge of sadness she couldn’t explain.

Maybe she was overthinking it.

She hoped so. Feeling uncertain about her destiny wasn’t something she wanted to become a habit.

“It’s fine. It’s just a statue. It can’t hurt me… right?” Celeste muttered- more quietly than usual, so as to attract less attention. It wouldn’t do for the High Priestess of Asteron to be caught at anything less than her best, after all.

Desperately trying to move her mind to other things, she stumbled closer to the candy store she was looking for. Anything to get her head out of the haze it was stuck in.

The building, like most others in Sack-End, was built into the side of a hill, with a very short door that she would have to duck to enter. The windows were filled with all sorts of confectionery- all types of candy, hard and soft. The sight of it made Celeste’s mouth water, chasing off the unneeded worries, at least for the moment. The sign said ‘Bits and Hobs’. If that sign was a pithy joke, she didn’t really get it.

Hopefully this will help me get my mind off of… that stuff. Shaking her head to try and get the haze of unease out, she stooped to get inside…

And immediately hit her head on a low beam when she tried to stand up. “Ow!”

The hobbit lady behind the counter looked up from what she was doing. She had curly, red hair and had clearly been partaking in a lot of her wares- her physique said so, at least. “Oh, a tallfolk. Can I help you?”

“I’ll, uh, be fine…” Celeste winced, before quickly casting a light bit of healing magic on herself to make the pain go away. It wasn’t just for grievous injuries, after all!

Taking care not to bump into anything else, Celeste took a look around the shop. There was a small table off to the side, with a few assorted confections scattered across it. A mint here, a lollipop there. On the wall above it was a sign that read ‘Free Samples!’

She slowly made her way over to the sample table, keeping very careful track of her arms and staff. After all, if I knocked over anything, Rex would never let me hear the end of it! 

Celeste turned to the hobbit behind the desk and pointed to the wrapped lollipop. "Uh... what flavor is this?"

"Blueberry. Nobody really buys those ones. The people prefer bolder flavors, I suppose.” The hobbit clerk said, sounding extremely bored.

Ooh, I wonder if I can get a discount if I buy in bulk! Shrugging, Celeste picked up the blue lollipop, immediately shoving it in her mouth- but before she could really savor it, something bubbled to the surface of the void that was her memory.

What? What is- huh?!

A woman she'd never seen before. Her skin was a bright blue, her long, wavy hair and lips were indigo. The only thing she had on was a similarly-hued top that was teetering on the edge of being transparent despite its dark color. A sweet smell filled her nose, one that she couldn’t quite place, but it sent her reeling anyway. She could almost smell something- a sweet scent that she couldn’t quite place, but it sent her reeling anyway. As if Celeste was right there, the mysterious lady extended her hand and offered the lollipop to her with a warm smile.

Then, just as quickly as it had come, the vision disappeared, and Celeste came back to reality.

Celeste didn’t know what- or who, for that matter- she’d just witnessed, but she felt a lot sweatier than before. Maybe I should get a less heavy robe… She stared at the indigo confection. Was- was it the lollipop that brought that up? Who was that?! She didn’t quite understand what the deal with it was, but… if it helped unlock some of the missing secrets of her past… it couldn’t hurt, right?

Yeah, hopefully Rex won’t whine too much about that. Turning to the nearby shelf, she gathered as many of those specific blue lollipops as she could.  Then she went to the counter, trying to hide her definitely-not-ulterior and totally pure motives for buying such massive quantities of sugary treats. "Uh… how many of these do you have?”

The clerk sighed. “Almost a hundred of the little buggers. Told you, nobody likes ‘em-”

Celeste dumped the armful she’d managed to get ahold of onto the counter- a veritable trove of indigo suckers.  "I'll take all of these, please!!"

The hobbit raised her eyebrow. “Really. That much? All right… that’ll be 100 gold.”

“That’s fine, thank you!” Celeste said, trying to fight back the confusing mess of feelings that had surfaced in her brain. It’s for a good cause! I’m sure the party will understand. Hopefully. Unless I’m hallucinating, or something. But Asteron would tell me if I was, right? Right. Probably.

After she dumped all the candy she’d bought into her bag, Celeste made for the door, but stopped- thankfully keeping from hitting her head on the same low-hanging beam. Though… if I saw that person in this shop… Argh, it can’t hurt to ask about it! They can’t stare at me any MORE weird looks than usual! Celeste cleared her throat, trying not to stumble over her words. “Uh… you wouldn’t have happened to see a blue lady around here, would you?”

“Blue… woman?” The hobbit behind the counter looked at Celeste like she was about to explode. “I haven’t seen anything like that.”

Celeste drooped a bit from the disappointment. “Oh. Well, thanks anyway!” She moved to leave before she could embarass herself any further- and hit her head on the doorframe on the way out.

It’s fine… I have a lead now, it’s FINE!

As Celeste exited the shop, she was still reeling. Is it hot out here, or is it just this robe?

Before she could dwell on such thoughts further, a loud belch startled her out of her trance. How uncouth! Celeste looked around to see who produced the ghastly noise, and soon spotted the source.

A hobbit was sitting near the statue now, lips wrapped firmly around a bottle of whiskey. He was quite old, with thick glasses and wispy gray hair. Huh, he looks smart. Hopefully he can tell me more about whoever this is.

Celeste tapped him on the shoulder, startling the short man. “Um, Excuse me!” Celeste asked. “Um… I’m a little new around here…” She pointed to the statue of this ‘Samford’. “Who is this, exactly?”

The drunken hobbit looked her up and down. “Oh. It’s only an elf. I hope you’re not looking for one of my ancestors or some such. And why are you blushin’ like that? I’m married, don’t ya know?”

“Uh, um…” Celeste hadn’t realized she was doing that. Argh, that blue woman won’t leave my head… focus, Celeste! You’re trying to gather information, not fall into the same kind of impure thoughts that half the party partakes in!

“What?!” The old hobbit scrunched up his face. “You’ve never heard of Samford the Brave? He’s the one reason anyone remembers this little hamlet!”
Celeste gulped. “Uh… no, sorry, I’m not as up on my history as I should be…”

“Well, fine. Lucky for YOU, you’ve happened upon somebody who knows a fair bit!” The hobbit grumbled, before letting out a hiccup. “‘Course, such information doesn’t come for free, does it?”

Celeste thought for a moment. Rex probably wouldn’t mind… after all, this is something actually important for a change. Right? “Here.” She pulled out a few gold coins from her bag and placed them into his palm.

The sloshed hobbit chuckled. “Thank you kindly, miss-” He belched again before continuing. “Right. Samford. He joined the party of hooligans who were trying to kill that Arch-something or other.

Before him, hobbits never went on adventures or did anything out of the ordinary- but he had to go and break the mold, didn’t he?” He laughed. “Anyhow, my great-grammy told me all about that mess. A bunch of tallfolk showed up suddenly, claiming they were looking for one more person to invite to their party. Real important-looking types, carrying all sorts of big weapons. Said they knew the last member of their company would be here, but didn’t say how. And who but that little sod Samford tried to filch one of their wallets! And instead of giving him what for, they invited him on a dangerous quest!”

Celeste listened with rapt attention. “Wow, that’s incredible! What happened to him afterwards?”

The hobbit’s expression darkened. “Well… most of the Seven Heroes died in their fight. You really must not get out much if you don’t know that.”

Celeste was at a loss for words, as the drunken hobbit’s sentence clawed a pit in her stomach. 

Dead?

Of course, she knew that he probably would be. If this mess happened in the year 666, then of course he would be. But dying of old age was far different than dying in battle.

Celeste didn’t know why, but she felt a sadness she couldn’t explain, no matter how she wracked her brain. “Oh. Well… thank you anyway for your time, sir.”

The hobbit drank the last of the liquor from his bottle, and wiped his mouth clean. “Anytime. If you want to know more, though, you should go check out that abandoned mansion across town. That place was made so that the Heroes would have a place to put their feet up anytime they got back… not that they ever used it, really.”

Celeste looked towards the direction of the abode- indeed, it looked to be in some disrepair. “Oh. Yes, that would be useful… thank you very much!”

With a grunt of seeming approval, the drunk old hobbit shambled off to get more alcohol. But Celeste was left with far more questions than answers. Hmph. And Asteron’s still not telling me anything…

Easing herself to a sitting position under a nearby tree, Celeste peered into the bag of baby-blue confections she’d obtained.

“Well… at least I have a lot of these now. Maybe they’ll show me something else?” Celeste muttered. The last few days were full of new emotions for her. First fear of death, now… crippling uncertainty.

She didn’t like it. She was used to being guided without fear by Asteron, her beloved. I just need to trust in His plan. It’ll work out- it always has. Right?

Unwrapping another of the blue lollipops, Celeste stuck it in her mouth tentatively- but no more mysterious visions came. She tried closing her eyes- she could still see that blue woman in her mind’s eye. That warm smile… that dark blue lipstick… It sent her heart aflutter in ways she didn’t understand in the least.

Maybe Asteron can help me with this. She had to try asking directly, at least. "Asteron? Was that a vision back there? That's-... aren't they supposed to be poetic rhymes? Not... whatever that was?"
No response.

“That had to be important, right?”

Still, nothing. No cryptic couplets, no helpful timely advice- just a deafening silence. Celeste let out a sigh. If she knew anything from her duties as High Priestess, begging for Him to appear never worked. He only showed up when she needed him to.

Though, their definitions of ‘need’ were sometimes not quite aligned. Usually when she was asking for something selfish. If he’s not going to answer, it’s probably not something I need to care about right now… I think. Hopefully.

Celeste was sitting outside the candy store, hoping the mysterious confection would bring her more clues. But it brought her nothing except for an odd sense of nostalgia.
And somehow, that was worse.

She could check out that mansion later- right now, she needed some time to think- and rest, for she felt strangely exhausted. Soon, she fell asleep under the tree- but even that did not bring her comfort, for her sleep was restless and uncomfortable.

And it wasn’t even because she ate too much candy, surprisingly.

Hmph, how do I phrase this…

Invernus was busy. Busy writing his next speech for the gullible populace that supported him- or rather, the glimmerous fop of a prophet he was impersonating. Of course, the sheep that followed his every word probably wouldn’t notice if he reused a few lines… but he was very paranoid. After all, with any position of great power came prying eyes, waiting for any weakness.

Argh, impersonating that virtuous fool makes me want to vomit. If I had a stomach to do it with! Unfortunately, there were only so many ways you could phrase the same rhetoric before it began to get stale. Especially given he’d been keeping up this act for over a century. Even that eloquent bastard would have trouble keeping up this drivel for over a century. How did he do it?! There’s no way ALL of his speeches came straight from the heart- he must have pulled a few of them out of his holy rear instead!

“Hey, big-bones. I need some help with somethin’.” Hordan opened the door to his lair, wearing absolutely nothing. Not even anything to cover his nethers. Not that it would have helped, seeing as Hordan was certainly not lacking in that department.

Do you- do you REALLY have to do that?! Put on a loincloth, for my sake!! Attempting to avert his gaze, Invernus sighed. “What do you want, Hordan? I am currently very busy.”

The minotaur, oblivious to his discomfort, walked over to the table and picked up one of the sheets of paper. “Man, there’s so many big words here. I don’t know what half of these mean.”

“Can you PLEASE get to the POINT?!” Invernus snapped, taking the sheet back from Hordan.

The meatheaded minotaur laughed heartily. “Well, heh, I’ve got a new ladyfriend recently, so I need some of the toughness potions you’ve got laying around.”
If Invernus still had any eyebrows left, he would have raised it quizzically. “YOU? Since when do YOU have a significant other?! And-” The lich paused. “Wait, is it for you or her?”

“HAW HAW HAW! Whaddaya take me for?!” Hordan slapped Invernus on the back. “It’s for her, of course! Gotta have those to stand up to MY strength, haw! And besides, when you’re packin’ what I’ve got, ladies just fall in-”

“NEVER MIND!!” Invernus raged. “I’ll- I’ll send for it. Just… please, go back to doing whatever you were up to. I am TRYING to finish this speech!!”

Hordan nudged him, wiggling his brow. “You sure you don’t want to watch-”

“NO!!!” Invernus raged, slamming his bony fist on the table- to which Hordan merely shrugged, and went back into his lair.

The lich-pope sighed. Finally. Now, what is another word for ‘miracle’-

Before he could make any more progress on that horrifically dull task, however, the door to Mithra’s lair slammed open with a loud crash, and the purple dragoness stretched out her neck into the hall, looking even more smug than usual. Part of him was overjoyed to have an excuse to not continue this drudgery- but it was Mithra. He knew that most of the time, she only contacted him to whine about some useless nonsense. If this is an unimportant call, Mithra, I am going to pin your wings to the ceiling!

“Oh, Invernus! There’s something important you should know about!” The purple dragoness grinned, as smugly as she could manage.

Invernus groaned. “Mithra. What do you want? I am quite busy attempting to keep up good public relations.” And if this is anything like that bullheaded fool’s ‘important’ problem…

The purple dragoness huffed haughtily in annoyance, blowing the papers on the desk everywhere with her breath. “Well, I was trying to use a scrying orb to find my darling Kobra…” Oh, lovely. Now I’ll have to clean all those up, reorder them… 

It was a good thing he possessed no flesh and blood, otherwise he would be unable to keep back the bile rising in his proverbial throat. “I thought I told you, you needed to find a better mook to stroke your ego. I am not bailing your little pet out of yet another fine mess he got HIMSELF into!”

“That’s just it!” Mithra continued, totally uncaring of Invernus’ increasing rage. “When I was trying to find him, I found something even more important!”

“Well?! What are you waiting for, then?!” Invernus snapped. “Enlighten me as to this ‘important knowledge!!’” If it’s the wench I think it is, we could be closer to achieving our goals than ever!

“You’re being very rude today, aren’t you?” Mithra huffed. “I could tell you where he went, but… maybe you should remember your manners. You ARE speaking to a dragoness, after all. Perhaps you should… recite my titles?”

Invernus groaned. “I have an eternity of better things to do with my time!”

Mithra growled. “Do it.”

Invernus loathed this, but sometimes humiliating oneself was necessary to ensure cooperation. “Hail Mithrallistra, Apple of the Amethyst’s Eye, Queen of Draconic Glory, She Who Deserves the Best, Sire of King Stultus.”

Piggybacking of your son’s ‘glory’, hm? He couldn’t deny that her son was a useful patsy to keep Dragonia under control, but he personally loathed the little twit. That was wretched, and if I have to do that again, I would cut out my tongue! If I had one!

“There. That wasn’t quite so difficult, was it?” Mithra giggled. “Anyway, right, the important information… I was scanning the area where my darling little kobold disappeared, and I found your little elf in that dreadful hobbit city. Sitting under a tree, with a blue confection in her mouth. She looked positively uncouth, I tell you-”

Invernus leaped out of his chair, ignoring most of what she said. “WHAT?! The elf has appeared?!” He took a moment to collect himself. “Ahem. Many thanks, Mithra- you may retire to… whatever it is you were doing.”

Mithra withdrew her head back through the door. “Oh, it looks like my morning meal is ready. What- WHAT IS THIS TRAVESTY?! THIS IS AN INSULT! I ORDERED ROASTED TURKEY LEGS, NOT CHICKEN LEGS-”

No, I really don’t think I need to hear this nonsense, lest my proverbial ears start bleeding! Invernus carefully shut Mithra’s door, then rushed across to the door that led to Ctharze’s secret lair. He knew exactly how to deal with this problem- and hopefully he could get that uptight squid-brain to cooperate.

Ctharze never let anyone else through that door except him. Supposedly it was to ‘protect the secrets of his experiments’. Invernus couldn’t care less- he could blast that door down himself if he wanted to- but what irked him more is how difficult it was to get ahold of him. Doesn’t he realize?! World domination requires constant vigilance! Which we cannot accomplish if you LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM LIKE A FAILING UNIVERSITY STUDENT!

Knocking loudly on it, he let out a long, annoyed sigh. “Ctharze! Get your tentacled bottom over here. I need emergency assistance!”

A slot on the door appeared, revealing the unimpressed, ugly face of Ctharze behind a small sheet of glass. “I do not possess tentacles in that area. Perhaps you should reeducate yourself on the matters of biology-”

Oh, for my sake, I don’t have time for that!! “Ctharze!” Invernus cut him off before he could go on another of his excruciating lectures. “I need you to activate that little pet project of yours near Sack-End. NOW!”

Ctharze sighed. “It’s not even remotely done yet. I’ve told you before, that it is a long-term experiment. It will take at least one more year before it is fully complete. Unless you want me to waste all that effort?”

Invernus gritted his teeth. He didn’t have time to wait for it to be ‘optimal’. That blasted priestess of Asteron is there! She needs to be terminated with prejudice more extreme than what I’ve sown in this sodding Empire! “I don’t CARE if your little houseplant isn’t fully matured yet, as long as we can wipe that elf off the face of the earth! IF SHE KEEPS RUNNING AROUND, WE WILL HAVE A LOT MORE PROBLEMS TO WORRY ABOUT!”

Ctharze remained silent for a few moments, before letting out a deep sign. “Very well. But if I lose one of my prize specimens thanks to your impulsiveness, YOU will be providing the materials to replace her.”

Invernus collected himself, returning to a modicum of stability. “I promise you, if that little gardening project of yours manages to eradicate that elf, I will make all of the materials you need for any experiment you choose!”

“Really. I shall hold you to that bargain, then.” Ctharze shut the slide on the door- presumably off again to continue one  of his experiments.

Invernus sighed. He had at least three more pages of religious dreck to get out in the next hour. Gathering up the pages that Mithra had scattered everywhere, he picked up his quill.

Darn it, I cannot call them peasants, that is an epithet used by kings, not one such as Gaius. Nyeegh!

Author's Note:
Well, this chapter was gonna be shorter but then the Invernus segment got out of hand and now it isn't anymore.
HOPE YOU LIKE THE YURI TEEEEEEEEEEEASE, HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
Anyway, here's some art from @Dragon_Tamer8 of Samford's statue. How important will this be? Stay tuned!

Chapter Text

Hobbits- also known as halflings in some circles- are not famous for much- being a rather sedate race. They keep to themselves, grow crops and pipeweed, and generally have a relaxed approach to living life.

Until Samford Pippery joined the Seven Heroes, they typically didn’t concern themselves with the affairs of the outside. After that, however, they have become significantly more outgoing- even fostering trade relationships with neighboring cities, becoming one of the region’s premier food sources as they ramped up production.

As an aside, if you visit Sack-End, try as many food dishes as you can. You won’t find better potato stew anywhere else. Remember- there’s always a second version for every meal Also, do not ask about Takeaway Taverns. They value their home-cooked meals very much- any suggestion of making it quicker, easier, or mass-produced is one of the few things that get them in a fighting mood.

-The Races of Milennia

Arandia was not happy. “Fuck’s sake, man…”

All she wanted was some fuckin’ breakfast after being woken up at Ass O’Clock in the morning, and none of the places around here could FIT her, physically. Unlike in Koboldia, there were no special buildings set aside for normal-sized people- and especially not folks with absurd body types like hers. She couldn’t even fit her TOP half inside some of these doors, let alone her fat, inconvenient abdomen. 

She gritted her teeth and fumed. “If Rex actually manages to take over the world, he’d BETTER install some bigger fuckin’ doorways in his kingdom, or else I’m gonna-”

Octavia tapped her on the shoulder, interrupting her mid-rant. “So… who’s gonna tell Rex that the ‘inn’ we got is that terrible house over there?”
Arandia looked over towards the edge of town, at the mysterious abandoned mansion. She didn’t know who it belonged to- only that it clearly wasn’t built for hobbits, if the size of the door was any indication.

Of course she didn’t WANT to have to stay in a dilapidated, run-down piece of shit- but nobody else could fit the whole party inside- and nobody seemed to be using the place either. At least, that’s what she could gather from the state it was in. There wasn’t even a sign to tell people to stay away.

Arandia grimaced. An annoyed Rex was the last thing she wanted to think about right now- hopefully she could think of some way to explain this. “I’ll fuckin’ do it myself… got too distracted talking to his sister to remember that.”

Octavia rolled her oddly-pupiled eyes. “Wonder why Rex never talked about her. She seems WAY cooler than him!”

Arandia shrugged. “Guess some folks don’t want to talk about their relatives.” Not that I can relate… not like I know any of mine, really.

The drider warrior’s stomach growled, interrupting her thought. She hadn’t eaten yet today… and she was hankering for something big and meaty. The heavier, the better. Of course, she was used to eating anything and everything she could get her hands on- but PROPER food was a rare treat that she consumed with gusto when she could get ahold of it. “Fuckin’- if only any of these places had, like, outdoor seating, or something!”

“Heyyyy, look at that place over there! They look like they’d have something nice…” Octavia pointed to a large building a short distance away. Like most of the houses here, it was partially built into the side of a hill. It was one of the largest establishments in the city- second only to the mayor’s house. The sign said ‘Bed & Second Breakfast’, and atop it was a massive ham carved out of wood and painted to look as realistic as possible. A smattering of tables and chairs were scattered outside.

Arandia breathed a sigh of relief. Oh, thank gods, they have outdoor seating. “This had better work, or I’m gonna collapse from hunger.” Of course there was food back in their transport- but damnit, she deserved a nice meal once in a while!

“Well, I could always offer one of my tentacles… but you probably wouldn’t like the taste.”

Arandia desperately tried to keep a straight face at that, but failed utterly. “What- what the fuck are you talking about? I’m not gonna eat YOU. That’s- that’s WEIRD.”

The wily octomaid giggled, practically drooling at the prospect of food already. “Suit yourself. Anyway, I wonder if that big ham is edible-”

Oh, for fucks’ sake. “As much fun as it would be seeing you try to eat that, Rex would be very annoyed.”

“Rex, Rex, it’s always REX with you!” Octavia groaned. “Why’re you so concerned with HIS opinion?”

Arandia didn’t have the mental space to argue with this lunatic at the moment. “Because I don’t get paid if I fuck up on the job, and neither do you.” Thankfully, that seemed to placate Octavia for the time being. Bending down, she knocked on the door- she couldn’t exactly enter to order, so hopefully this would work.

No response.

Octavia shrugged. “Huh. Maybe he’s not home.”

“There’s a fuckin’ Open sign on the door.” Arandia growled. “Fuckin- ANSWER THE DOOR, ASSHOLE!” She knocked again- hoping that the door was strong enough that she wouldn’t accidentally knock it off its hinges.

“Yes, yes, you know you’re supposed to order inside, right? This isn’t a takeaway tavern!” An annoyed voice came from inside.

Two of Arandia’s four eyes twitched. Don’t you fucking think I know that?! If there WAS one around here, we wouldn’t be having this problem!! “Listen, man we’re tryin’ to fuckin’ order here, and we can’t fit through your door!”

A hobbit finally exited the building, frowning annoyedly. He was wearing an extremely stained chef’s apron, and his wrinkled face had clearly seen more than its fair share of stressful dinner rushes. His nametag read ‘Tucker Took’, and the phrase ‘kiss the Took’ could still be made out on his apron amidst the many stains. “Yes, yes, you know you’re supposed to order inside, right? We don’t DO orders out, no matter how many other establishments do- OH.” He looked up and down at the two imposing women before him. He looked like he wanted to say something possibly demeaning, but thankfully for Arandia’s mood he settled for a simple, “Well. That explains that.”

Fuckin- keep your cool… “Yeah. Yeah it does. So are you gonna give us a menu, or what?”

Tucker quickly put on a more respectable ‘customer service’ face. “Certainly. Well, lucky for you, it’s just about time for second breakfast- and you ladies look like you could put away quite a bit!”

Arandia couldn’t tell whether that remark was meant an insult or not- and frankly at the moment she couldn’t care less- but her naturally withering gaze seemed to spook him into shutting his trap. “I’ll just, uh, get you a listing of what we’re servin’ today…” He dashed off back inside the building as fast as his hairy feet could carry him.

“Second breakfast? We haven’t even had FIRST breakfast yet!” Octavia gasped. “Wow, hobbits are AWESOME!”

This shit better be worth it, otherwise I’m gonna be tempted to swear a streak bluer than Rex’s big sister. 

As she waited for that chef to come back, Arandia was deep in thought. She was hungry, sure, but there was something deeper worming its way into her thoughts.

…hope Rex is doing okay. He seemed like he was hiding a lot in that scaly noggin of his...

At first she’d just taken a chance on him to get out of jail, and later for the astronomical paycheck he was crossing. But he was actually competent- in battle and in making plans- which was more than she could say for a lot of people she’d come across. Of course he was a blowhard, but he was also the first boss she’d had in ages that actually seemed to give a shit about her. And he didn’t seem like the type to be able to hide his true feelings easily. At least, she hoped.

If he WAS lying about that, he’d have hell to pay for breaking what little trust still remained in her heart.

Unfortunately for Arandia’s sanity, Octavia was not the type to pass the time sitting idle- so she spent it trying to worm her way into Arandia’s head instead. “Hey, hey, Arandia, so… where’d you get all your scars from?””

Arandia sighed. She wasn’t in the mood to spill her life story to people she still barely knew. She supposed that was something she had in common with her new boss, after all. Clamming up probably won’t get her to stop bothering me, so I’ll just tell her enough that she’ll shut up. “Being a merc tends to get you some trophies of your, uh, upbringing.”

“Ooh, that sounds fun!” Octavia cooed. “Got any fun stories of how you got any?”

The drider sighed again. Fuckin’- of course that wouldn’t work. “Is that a normal conversation topic for you?”

Octavia nodded her head vigorously, before pulling out a ratty-looking purple book from her robe. “Yes! One of the Precepts of the God of Chaos is to always help deformed or outcast folk help come into their own with their scars- after all, if they’re too busy whining about what they can’t do, they can’t spread His good word!”

Arandia’s head hurt, and she was pretty sure it wasn’t just the hangover. Gaius, what did I do to get TWO religious nuts in the party… “That’s… surprisingly profound, but, uh, I’ll pass on explaining those, thanks.”

“Okay! That’s another Precept- ‘don’t try to convert people too early, lest their mind still be clouded by Order’. But I’ll always be here to help if you need help coming to terms with your inner mayhem!” The cheery octomaid grinned, her bizarre eyes unblinking.

“Ahem! Ladies, the menu…” Tucker came out of the restaurant, holding a piece of wood with a bunch of food names carved into it.

“Oh, perfect timing.” Anything to not talk about this shit, please. Arandia snatched the slab from his hand. “Yes, we’d like to order a keg of your strongest ale, and three orders of the-” She squinted, trying to read the incredibly small handwriting. “The… is that called the ‘Big Beefy Banquet?’”

Tucker raised his eyebrow. “That’s… a lot. You sure you want to get-”

“Look at this and tell me I can’t eat all of it.” Arandia gestured to her spidery lower half.

“Fair point. “With that, the chef ran back inside.

When she turned back to Octavia, she was busy digging through the large trash can right outside. “What the FUCK are you doing?” Arandia stared at the scavenging octomaid like she was a court jester high off his rear on pipeweed.

“Lookin’ for a snack.” Octavia said, matter-of-factly. She picked up a mushy-looking apple. “Nah, that’ll taste terrible…”

Arandia could feel her brain proverbially melting out her ears. What the- this is a new one. How the hell is she still alive if she’s been inedible shit all her life? “Listen, I mean, I’m no stranger to eating garbage, but… that’s inedible. You might get sick if-”

“No I won’t!” Octavia chirped. “I have a stomach of… huh. What’s a really tough metal?”

Arandia paused, barely believing she was entertaining this stupid line of conversation. “Adamantine?”

Octavia nodded. “That, yeah! A stomach of adamantine. Oh, here we go!” She lifted a hunk of half-eaten fish that looked extremely rotten. “This one’s still got some meat on it… come ON, people, waste not want not!” She stuck the garbage under her tentacles- and soon after, she pulled the tentacle out, with nothing in it. What the fuck…? Where’d she put that- no, never mind, I don’t think I want to know the answer to that question. “That’s what my mom always tells me, anyway.”

“Wait, you HAVE one?” Arandia blurted out, before she could stop herself.

Octavia looked very confused at that statement.“Of course I do! What did you think, that Daddy just popped me out himself?”

“...given everything else I know about you and your chaos god dad, it wouldn’t surprise me.”

“Well, I mean, he CAN do that, but he didn’t with me.” Oh for gods’ sake, how is this even worse than the last conversation?! With zero prompting, Octavia kept going. “And, my mom is the BEST- she throws the best birthday parties EVER.”

Arandia gritted her teeth. “Yeah, that sounds real… fuckin’ nice. To, uh, have one of those.” Of course Arandia knew Octavia couldn’t have known… but the echoes of emptiness still hurt a bit. Not that Octavia seemed to notice, or care.

"Yeah, she invites all her witch friends over and they make the WEIRDEST food, it’s SO good. Mmmm… fried bugs… Oh, right, there's one that looks like you, actually, the coolest old lady I know- after mom, of course.”

Arandia looked up. “Wait. Like me, how exactly? Does she have, like…” She gestured to her eight-legged, hairy lower half. “This?”

Octavia nodded, her ever-cheery-yet-unsettling expression unchanging. “Oh, yeah! Hers is waaay softer, though. You’re all bristly, like a brush… or a cactus.”

Not gonna ask how you know what this other drider feels like, but whatever. “Huh. Any chance you, uh… might want to introduce me?” It’d be nice to meet another drider… I don’t think I’ve seen one in person before.

Octavia beamed like an exploding sun. “Oh, yeah, I could introduce you!! She’s got a cute little bug man that follows her around everywhere and he’s ADORABLE!! She calls him her ‘little bedbug’ all the time, though…”

Arandia scrunched up her face in a mixture of disgust and confusion. Oh. Oh, it’s like THAT. I’m not so sure I want to meet this person now…

Blegh, is something gonna HAPPEN soon?!

Octavia was bored out of her skull waiting for this food, tapping her tentacles on the ground all around in a clockwise motion. It’d been almost an hour already, and nothing had happened. She couldn’t pry any more conversation out of her surly buddy- apparently she didn’t want to hear about the particulars of her family life. She was completely and totally falling into a profound sense of ennui. And when that happened, her brain started doing things. Funny things. Stupid things. Possibly-dangerous things.

Like brainstorming how to cause some lovely chaos in a localized area. Unfortunately, there was nobody around that was likely to start a fight- no senseless violence for her today. And ever since joining that stuffy dragon man, she had to actually restrain herself a lot more than usual- which was a major drag.

Well, if all else fails- there’s always appealing to a higher power. And unlike that stuffy old elf, MINE actually LISTENS. “Daddy, can you PLEASE send something our way to make this a little more interesting? I promise, I’ll set a house on fire if you do!”

“Bitch, are you TRYING to get us in trouble?” Arandia said. “Anyway, we didn’t see anything when we came in, so there won’t be any arson today. At least there’d better not be.”

Octavia wasn’t even paying attention to the drider’s admonishment- her attempted had prayer had been interrupted.

She heard something. Something loud, synchronized. The heck could that be? I didn’t think Daddy would deliver THAT fast. “Are those- are those footsteps?”

“You’re hearing things.” Arandia brushed her off. “Maybe it’s hunger gettin’ to you.” She stretched her arms, sighing in annoyance. “Where the hell IS that fucking chef, anyway?”

Something didn’t sit right to Octavia. It’s WAY too quiet around here… and that means somebody’s up to something. And I know it’s not me, yet. She moved to the other side of the hill and scanned the horizon, only for her suspicions to be confirmed. “Uh… Arandia, you might wanna take a look at this!”

“Fuckin- this better be something good, and not more of your chaos god ramblings.” The drider followed her to her vantage point, muttering under her breath.

Octavia pointed off in the distance- there were several figures, clad in suits of armor, clanking their way towards the city! “Look!”

“What the- You HAD to open your big mouth, didn’t you?” Arandia facepalmed, clenching her fists in a mixture of bewilderment and annoyance.

“Thanks, Daddy!!” Octavia exclaimed. “Now I’ll really get to have some fun-” Arandia roughly grabbed her and dragged her behind the restaurant’s hill.

“Shut it, you fucking idiot!” The drider growled. “You’re gonna get us caught.” The duo slowly peeked out from behind the hill to get a better look at the mysterious invaders.

There were several metallic soldiers approaching the village, carrying simple clubs and shields. On each of their chests was a logo- that of the Gaian Empire, a cross inside a halo. Octavia wasn’t terribly impressed with them. Wow… these guys look pretty weak. And why are they walking in perfect unison like that. It’s SO boring.

“Oh, fuck me, it’s the Iron Watch…” Arandia groaned. “Now we’re really screwed.”

Watch? “But… they don’t have any eyes to watch WITH.” Octavia said in a voice that barely qualified as a whisper.

Arandia looked at the octomaid like she wanted to wring her neck. “That’s- you’re- I can’t fucking- okay, listen. They’re Empire goons, that they send out when they don’t want to risk somebody important. Soulless suits of armor- they’re pretty weak, but the problem is there’s usually a lot of ‘em…”

Arandia stole a glance behind the hill. “Rrgh. What’re they here for… let’s hope it’s not us, otherwise we’re in trouble.”

They paused for a few minutes, looking around- before one of them spotted one of Octavia’s tentacles trailing out from behind the hill, banging his club against his shield to alert his comrades.

“For fucks’ sake!” Arandia said. “Can’t you keep track of those?!”

“I’ve got EIGHT of them!” Octavia screeched. “Sometimes they just go everywhere!” The other Iron Watch soldiers were tromping on over to regard the lawbreakers.

“Listen, metal guy, whatever you’re here for, it’s probably a big misunderstanding.” Octavia said, holding up her hands in a mock self-defense pose. The automaton raised its club towards Octavia. It didn’t speak, but the message was as clear as a freshly cleaned window. Shrugging, Octavia pulled out her flail, grinning evilly. “Well, I tried. NOW can we fight?”

“Fine. All right, I got somethin’ to make this a bit more interesting. If you take out more of these fuckheads, I’ll pay for the food. If I get more, you gotta cough it up.”

Octavia brandished her weapon, ready for the brawl to come. “Ooh, that sounds fun! Though, what if we get a tie?”

Arandia groaned. “I don’t fucking know, we’ll figure that out if that happens!”

“COME ON, ASSHOLES! WANNA PUT ME IN JAIL AGAIN, COME AND FUCKING GET ME!” Arandia roared, pulling out her scimitar.

They were not the least bit intimidated, seeing as they were soulless automatons with no self-preservation instinct. Not that it mattered- she was going to bust them up all the same!

She rushed towards one of the automatons, deflecting its wild strike at her body with her own blade. “Come on, man, I just wanted to RELAX for once! Is that SO fucking hard?”
Of course it didn’t respond- but she did, by engaging in the universal language of ‘beating the shit out of people’, until there were quite a few sizable dents.

Man, Rex is gonna be fucking PISSED that we got dragged into a massive fight…

She’d never worried so much about somebody else’s opinion before. Not since her oldest boss, actually. Maybe she was getting soft. Or she was just worried about getting kicked out of THIS party, too. Certainly wouldn’t be the first time. Or third… actually, she’d lost count of how many parties she’d been ejected from over the years, for reason ranging from general drunkenness to losing the money she was supposed to steal. Though, that one was a freak accident.

“Man, it’s a good thing these guys don’t have real swords. If they did, I’d probably be cut up something fierce!” Arandia was busy whaling on the metallic moron in front of her, unleashing several sword swipes before smacking his helmet hard with the flat of her blade- and finally she managed to put it down. Unfortunately, there were at least six more of the bitches surrounding her and Octavia!

Thankfully, the Iron Watch hadn’t gotten any stronger since her last run-in with them. Several good hits on one of them and they crumpled to a pile of empty scrap metal. The real problem was how many there were- and how long it tended to take to put even ONE of the bastards down.

“Man, this is gonna take FOREVER.” Octavia whined. “Well, good thing I have a shortcut to make it go a LOT quicker!” She started raising her hand, and doing that horrific chanting again.

Arandia remembered the mess that was their last boat trip- and how she’d nearly broken one of her legs getting tossed around by that monstrosity. Ohhhh, fuck no. Not this. NOT HERE. I’m not dealing with the consequences of that- let alone what Rex would think, he’d never let us hear the end of it!!

Quickly, Arandia elbowed Octavia to break her concentration. “Don’t you fucking summon that overgrown hunk of calamari here in the middle of town!! Do you WANT us to get arrested?!” Arandia yelled.

The octomaid’s face scrunched into a mask of adorable rage as she was currently squeezing two of the Iron Watch soldiers with her tentacles, crumpling him up like a sheet of paper. “How rude!! He is NOT a squid, he’s in a class by himself!”

“I don’t CARE, don’t fuckin’ summon him here!” Arandia grabbed a nearby chair and slammed it into an automaton’s head. “We’re cousin’ enough damage as it is, and I don’t want to get eaten by that thing!”

“Awww, really?!” Octavia whined. “Fine. I guess that’d be cheating in the bet anyway, if I’m not doing the thrashing myself…”

“That’s- that’s not why- oh, forget it!” Arandia growled, as she bashed the helmet of another soldier in with the hilt of her scimitar. “Just watch my back, will ya?”

Guess there’s always this to make this shit a little easier. Arandia had some spare webbing she’d been saving up in her bag- she figured it’d always come in handy. Reaching in, she pulled out a favorite implement of hers- a long string of webbing that she could lash out and stick to things.

Like people.

Latching it onto one of her metallic foes, she gave him a huge yank- directly into the hilt of her blade, making a huge dent and a loud CLANG! Oh, that sounds so fuckin’ good.

Arandia swept a couple of her massive legs under one soldier, making him trip and fall on his back! But damn, these people are fuckin’ tanky.

She looked over to see the small tables outside the restaurant- she reached over, picked one up, and smacked three soldiers in a row with it, sending them toppling like dominoes. Well… hopefully Rex can pay for all this shit. I’m sure he’ll understand, it was a life or death situation. Hopefully!

“HAHAHAHAHAHA! FOOLS! BOW BEFORE THE DAUGHTER OF CHAOS!” Octavia cackled, as she slammed one of the armors into another, sending them collapsing into a pile of scrap and sending a loud CLANG throughout the quiet village. “Let the silence of boredom give way to the rancor of madness!”

“Since when do you use words that big?!” Arandia said, while hip-checking another of the Iron Watch armors with her huge abdomen.

“Daddy always taught me to use the biggest words I could think of when trying to strike fear into peoples’ hearts!” Octavia giggled. “Like ‘eviscerate’! Or ‘defenestrate’! Or my personal favorite, ‘annihilate’!”

Arandia caught the club of a nearby soldier, wrenching it out of his hand and bashing his helmet in with it. “What, did you eat a dictionary growing up?!”

“No, but I did try to eat one of my mom’s spellbooks. She wasn’t happy about that, let me tell ya! I was coughing up fireballs for three days!”

As the battle progressed, the trajectory became more clear. Octavia was currently behind Arandia’s knockout count by a significant margin, and she was NOT happy about it. Not that she cared too much about having to pay for food- but she had a reputation to protect! “I’m the daughter of the God of Chaos, senseless violence is in my blood! And I’m not gonna let some merc beat ME!”

Soon, only one warrior remained- this one was bigger than all the rest. Unlike the simple designs of the rest, this one was far more ornate. It had enormous angled horns on its helmet, and a ‘face’ that resembled a carved, intimidating grimace- far more imposing than the simple cross-shaped slits that its lessers had.

The enormous artificial warrior raised its weapon- a massive greatclub. It possessed no shield, since it clearly needed both arms to heft the towering bludgeon.

“Oh, wow, that’s a big one.” Octavia said, dumbfounded.

“Got any ideas on how to deal with THAT?!” Arandia said, readying herself for one final brawl.

“Nope! But we’ll figure it out anyway!” Octavia giggled cheerfully. “Starting with THIS!” Octavia spat out a blob of ink onto the towering armor’s face- but it didn’t even seem to notice, its pace totally uninterrupted.

“What?! That’s usually a foolproof technique!” Octavia pouted.

“It’s an automaton, you fucking idiot! They don’t have EYES!” Arandia growled, before she was backhanded by the soldier’s shield, sending her tumbling backwards and into another small table, crushing it into splinters! She tried hurling a chair at him, but it didn’t seem to phase him at all.

“Fuck me, I don’t think we’ve got anything that can knock him apart here…” The drider said, panting. “One hit from that club and I’m losing an arm… He’s a lot tougher than the other ones!”

Octavia quickly slid a tentacle out of the way of his foot- even though they were expendable, it still HURT when one was ripped off. “I mean, I can grow those back-”

“WELL, AREN’T YOU LUCKY, THEN!” Arandia spat, darting to the side to dodge another of their assailant’s wide swings.

Looking to the side, Octavia saw a big rock that served as a larger dining table than the flimsy wooden ones scattered elsewhere, and an evil grin crept across her face. “Hold him still, would ya?” Octavia said. “I’ve got an idea!”

“Fine!” Arandia pulled out her sticky whip and swung it out, attaching it to the soldier’s back- which kept him from moving for long enough for Octavia to put her plan into action!

Octavia, grunting in exertion, wrapped several of her tentacles around the huge rock, hefting it up! “HEY, YOU IRON IDIOT! CATCH!!”

She hurled the enormous boulder at the towering automaton- and with a deafening crash of metal, he crumbled to pieces! Octavia crawled atop the pile of scrap metal and cackled madly. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! IN THE NAME OF CHAOS, YOU HAVE BEEN OBLITERATED!!”

“Bitch, that still only counts as one!” Arandia grunted. “And I’m still ahead of you by at least three!”

“Oh, come on!! That should count for more than one, look at how big he was!! And I was the one who did most of the work on him!!”

Arandia let out a snort. “Sure, uh… you certainly did.” Octavia didn’t understand what was so funny about that sentence, but that reaction made her even more annoyed.

If it wasn’t her talking, I would’ve sworn she was trying to make that sound dirty.

Finally, the fight was over, and Arandia could rest for a minute.

“Phew.” Arandia wiped some of the sweat off her brow, took a deep breath, and beheld the scene around her. And with every glimpse, she could feel her dread grow. She’d done the exact opposite of ‘keeping a low profile’- getting into a public brawl, with Empire forces, in the middle of a fucking town! Fuck me, now I know how Rex feels sometimes… that really could have been a bit more tidy to deal with.

She took a look around at the mess she and Octavia had made. A massive pile of scrap armor, some broken tables… and several hobbits that were now staring intensely at them. So much for keeping a low profile. And I’m not really good at getting out of trouble unless I can talk with some kind of weapon… At least they’d managed to keep the mess away from the building itself- a small mercy, given the circumstances.

The owner of the restaurant came out, and his jaw dropped- and Arandia could feel her rage and exasperation building even more. Oh, fucking great. Hopefully this guy doesn’t raise a shit-fit about this…

Tucker was stammering and pointing every which way. "What- what in the gods' name did you ladies DO?! I- who’s gonna pay for all of this?!”

Arandia sighed. How the FUCK am I gonna explain this… What would Rex do, he’s a way better talker than me! "Listen, some Empire goons came here threatening to ransack your place. Did you a favor and Nothing you need to worry about. Gonna need to add an extra keg of mead to that order, though…”

Octavia nodded. “Oh, yeah, we’ve worked up QUITE a thirst.”

“Right. As for the bill, uh… if you see a red dragonborn around, ask him.”

Tucker retreated back inside the restaurant, grumbling to himself. Phew. Well, hopefully that’s enough to get him out of the way for a bit. “We’d better clean this shit up before anyone else sees it… if there’s an Empire soldier around, we’re in big trouble if they find this.” She turned to Octavia. “Hey. You. Gonna need your help carrying this shit away to hide it somewhere.”

Octavia groaned. “Can we EAT first, please?!”

The drider shrugged. “Sure. Think we fuckin’ EARNED that, at least. Just eat quick, we gotta take care of this crap pronto.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I can eat FAST when I want to.” Octavia grabbed one of the pieces of meat off the plate and shoved it under her tentacles- and after a few disgusting, sloppy eating noises, went back for seconds.

Arandia had no words. I- nope. Nope, not even gonna question this.

“Damnit. Why is this taking so long?!”

Taka was getting impatient- a usual occurrence for her, but it was even worse than usual today. She resembled a pheasant, with large white wings tipped with black feathers at the edges. Her eyes were framed by a pinkish mask-like marking, and the long feathers on her head were long and feminine-looking. Her tail, however, was quite short- after all, if it was too long, enemies could grab onto it.

The slender, red-masked aarakocra tapped her talons on the floor of the rowboat she was in, waiting desperately for any kind of sign. I’ve been waiting here for HOURS!

She was currently a bit off the coast of the Southwestern Continent, with Sack-End several miles inland from where she was. And, of course, she’d left her binoculars back on the boat by mistake. And she couldn’t just fly over there, lest somebody see her- for once, she was attempting to be inconspicuous. Which wasn’t her style at ALL- she preferred to swoop in, as loudly as possible, to terrify the Empire’s enemies into submission.

Granted, half the time they tended to immediately run away upon seeing her, but that just meant she needed to practice her terrifying bird shrieks.

She’d finally found a lead, however. Signs of a massive disturbance near Koboldia. A bunch of disappearances. And none of the citizenry in the area was willing to talk about it. None of it added up!

The other Empire officers assigned near that area- some overly-handsome human and his centaur girlfriend- hadn’t reported seeing any of the wanted folk around, but to Taka, that just meant they’d run off too quickly. She’d been dealing with people like them for years- they were slippery little bastards if she wasn’t constantly on her toes. Or talons, as it were.
Ever since her first ship had been wrecked by that weird giant red tentacle monster, she’d been doubly motivated to catch up to this group of hooligans. She had to PROVE that all those years of chasing after one criminal wasn’t in vain!

And when she finally caught up to that blasted rabbit, she would take SO much satisfaction in reading off his rap sheet- one item by one, ending in the thing that’d started this whole mess- a broken heart. She’d gone to one of the top recruits in her class to a laughingstock in less than a month.

‘How did you let him trick you so easily?!’ ‘Anyone could spot his lies a mile away!’

Her classmates’ words rang in her head, filling her with rage and ruffled feathers. She NEEDED to catch him- to prove that she wasn’t just ‘that idiot who fell for the charms of a cute boy and lost a priceless item’.

“Where ARE those blasted armored automatons, anyway?!” Taka sighed. “It can’t take THAT long to investigate one small village…”

The Iron Watch automatons she’d been given were supposed to report back and send up a flare if they’d completed their mission- with or without the prisoners. But nothing had happened yet- and she was starting to fear the worst.

Taka sighed. If she’d lost those automatons… Of course, he’s with a bunch of other high-profile targets now… now it’ll be even harder to catch that little brat!

“Usagi!! I know you’re responsible for this… somehow! I’ll catch you, someday!!” Taka clenched her fist. I’ll catch you one day… and make you pay for breaking my heart!

Author's Note: wrote most of this today. have fun! also...

spicy stuff next time :D :D :D XD

Chapter Text

Contrary to popular belief among the less informed, dragonborn are mammals. Therefore, they do possess the usual accoutrements that lizardfolk lack- making them most definitely superior in terms of variety. Breasts, both useful holes, et cetera.

Of course they only have one set of equipment compared to the extras that lizardfolk possess, but oh well. Can’t have everything. And their ‘accessories’, the males’ in particular have far more variety and possible extra ‘features’, anyway.

One thing they do have in common with lizardfolk, however, is their fascination with scent and taste. Perhaps they inherited it from dragons themselves. If they’re attracted to someone, they will be very keen to get as much of their flavor as possible. It may sound odd to have a dragonborn telling you that you smell amazing- but it is a high compliment indeed, and should be treated as such.

And if you get lucky enough to meet one that’s trained to have a flexible enough tail, there’s all sorts of fun things they can get up to.

-Interspecies Coupling Reviews, D.D. Fuchsia

Rarity Brimstone was bored. Unbelievably bored. And somewhat strapped for cash. She was no stranger to rough patches- being a travelling bard was hardly a consistent source of income- but this one was really rough as of late. If she didn’t get some more money soon, she might have to sell some of her jewelry- an eventuality that she really didn’t want to consider.

And on top of that, a solo act really isn’t bringing in the cash that it used to… the last few towns have only been interested in groups of bards. I’d LIKE to have a proper band, but my standards are a bit too high to accept just anyone…

Not only that, she was also getting extremely lonely. She hadn’t had proper ‘companionship’ for weeks, and her hands could only do so much to alleviate those feelings.

Rarity sighed, and offered up a rare silent prayer. Gods, if you’re listening… if I could find any potential bandmates, that would make my day right about now. Amoria? I hope you’re listening.

Rarity waited for a moment- nothing happened. Of course. Wouldn’t expect anything less. She’d been taking a shortcut through a forest to the next town… and though it would certainly take less time, she wasn’t sure if the boredom was worth it. Yes, it would be very nice if there happened to be-

A sudden noise distracted her from her thoughts. It sounded like a heavy buzzing- an insect? Or perhaps someone cutting down a tree.

What… could that be? Rarity wondered. And more importantly… could it be the sign I was praying about? She wasn’t sure- but she figured it couldn’t hurt to check. After all, if she found an attractive bandmate in the woods, her opinions on the Pantheon might change substantially.

Rarity carefully crept through the woods to ascertain the source of the noise, gripping her heavy metal lute in case something jumped out at her. Of course metal instruments typically didn’t play very well- but hers was magic, which covered for the bizarre construction, and let her use it as a bludgeon with nary a care in the world. Rarity carefully parted the leaves in her way, and beheld the source of the noise.

There was a satyr laying down next to the large rock- completely passed out and snoring heavily. She had a head full of reddish-brown, curly hair, out of which protruded a pair of long, spirally horns.

Rarity shrugged. She had just been praying to the goddess of love… perhaps this was a sign. Even if it wasn’t who she was looking for, falling asleep in the middle of the woods, out in the open, was highly dangerous. She is cute-looking, though-

A sudden growl broke the silence of the area. Rarity gripped her lute, already on guard. Looking around carefully, she spotted the source of the noise- a black bear. Not a terribly large one, but still intimidating to weaker folk.

Fortunately, she was not remotely weak. Rarity stared down the beast, her gold eyes emitting a piercing gaze.

“I really don’t think approaching further would be a good idea for you. Back off. Now.” Rarity raised her improvised bludgeon protectively- it wouldn’t be a sure thing, but she could throw down if she needed to.

The bear didn’t take the first warning, and continued to approach.

“I said BACK. OFF.” Rarity exhaled a bolt of lightning at the ground, creating a massive scorch mark. “One more step and that’ll be YOU.”

She knew it couldn’t understand her speech- but she hoped the tone and giant scorch mark on the ground would get the message across. And, judging by the bear turning tail and running, it did indeed. Rarity breathed a short sigh of relief, turning back to the stranger she was attempting to project- who was still asleep.

What- HOW?! How are you still slumbering- well, that’s a potential excellent introduction wasted.

Throughout all of that, somehow the satyr hadn’t woken up until now. Either she was cursed by a fey, or she was an extremely heavy sleeper. Gods, I wish I could sleep that heavily. She’s one lucky girl. She walked over and tapped the satyr on the shoulder- though it required more than a few taps to get her up.

“I’m awake, I’m awake…” The satyr yawned and stretched, upon which one thing became very apparent to Rarity. Or rather two very large things.

She was not wearing a shirt, and her sizable breasts were hanging out for the entire world to see. Oh my. Those are almost as big as her head… Rarity couldn’t help licking her lips- and wondered how soft they were.

Her goat legs were covered in thick, fluffy brown fur with a few white spots. She was wearing a skirt made out of leaves- which seemed altogether too short, not that Rarity was complaining. Her face was heavily freckled, her cheeks rosy, and her green eyes had the telltale slight redness of being a heavy pipeweed smoker.

Not that Rarity didn’t enjoy a spot of it every now and then herself, usually after a show, or certain other things.

“What’re- listen, if you want to buy some of my pipeweed, ya gotta give me a minute to get to my senses. Anyway, ain’t ya gonna introduce yourself? It’s the least ya can do after wakin’ me up!”

Rarity chuckled. “My name is Rarity- and, well, I heard a mysterious noise and came to investigate. I was expecting some sort of wild animal- but I found you instead. May I have the pleasure of knowing what you go by?” She punctuated that sentence with her finest curtsy- not that it was that ‘proper’ considering the shortness of her skirt.

“Well, aren’t you polite. The name’s Shaya, pipeweed saleslady and occasional blossoming musician.” She giggled. “And what brings ya to these parts? You look a little fancy to be slummin’ it in the woods.”

“I could say the same for you.” Rarity said. “You look far more beautiful than most I’ve seen in this area.”

“Oh, hey, now.” Shaya giggled. “Don’t say things like that, you’re gonna make me blush!”

Rarity could see the satyr practically undressing her with those big green eyes, looking up, down, and all around her body, her attempts at subtlety meaning nothing before Rarity’s sharp eyes. Well… maybe my prayers have been answered after all. Suppose I’ll make the opener- she’s probably too shy. “So you’re a musician, you say. Perhaps I can have a free sample of your craft?”

“Really?” Shaya shrugged. “Well, sure. I’ve been practicin’ for a while… Nobody really asks for that, they just want the pipeweed.”

“Well, I’m more interested in what beautiful melodies you can make.” Rarity said softly. “You don’t have to be shy- after all, I’m in the same boat.” She held up her metal lute, and Shaya’s eyes lit up.

“Ooh! Where’d you get that, I’ve never seen anythin’ like that before!” Shaya reached for it, before hesitating.

Rarity let out a warm chuckle. “Oh, feel free. This beauty’s been through so much over the years, I doubt you could do any worse.”

“Wow… it’s so shiny…” Shaya casually plucked one of the strings. “It’s gotta be magic, right? Otherwise it’d probably sound like dung.”

“Right on the money.” Rarity giggled. “It’s been specially enchanted.” Rarity ran her hands over the strings, coaxing a delightful arpeggio out of the instrument. “It’s my pride and joy.”

Shaya was blushing already. “Ooh, how interestin’... Well, uh…” She paused, looking around at anywhere but Rarity’s face. Or chest. Or her entire body, really. “Want to play a duet-”

“I wouldn’t mind in the least.” Rarity giggled. “I’m sure it’d be heavenly.”

“Ooh, uh, good! Just gimme a sec…” Shaya pulled a little pan flute out of her bag, and began to play it- the soft wind instrument already playing its soft tones and scattering them among the trees.

Rarity nodded in approval at her skill. She picked up her lute, and began to play along, all the years of practice effortlessly letting her harmonize with the delightful melody that Shaya was producing. She IS good. Very good, actually. I can work with this… that is, if she’d be up for the other thing.

She looked even more beautiful than before… and Rarity couldn’t keep her eyes off the satyr’s face. So serene, so effortlessly beautiful… And after her eyes took a short trip downwards, Rarity couldn’t keep her eyes off her chest, either.

After they stopped, Shaya put the flute away. “Wow… you’re really good at that. I was havin’ to keep up with you!”

“Well, I have been at this ever since my childhood.” Rarity bragged. “These fingers have had plenty of practice.” She punctuated the statement by wiggling them, somewhat suggestively.

“Ooh… want to tell me more about it?” Shaya said, fluttering her eyelids cutely.

Rarity leaned in a little closer. “Oh, I’d LOVE to.”

It had been a few minutes later, and Shaya was on the verge of talking Rarity’s finned ears off. “So, wait, you saved me from a bear?!”

Rarity nodded, looking more than a little smug. “Indeed. You shouldn’t sleep so heavily in the middle of the woods, lest you meet a terrible fate indeed. It would be a crying shame for someone so beautiful as yourself to meet a gory end.”

“Aw, callin’ me beautiful, heh.” Shaya looked away, slightly nervously. “Well, you’re not too bad yourself- it’s, uh, a very nice shade of blue you’ve got there on those scales.”

Rarity chuckled. “Indeed. I do pride myself on my lovely scales- especially coordinating them with my outfits.” She gestured to her clothes, which were full of gold highlights. “Why, with certain shades, it can make it look like I’m wearing less than I actually am.”

“R-really…” Shaya stammered, trying to hide the furious blush that was forming on her face. Damn, she really is a dish… a tasty-lookin’ one. I’m gettin’ the munchies just lookin’ at her!

Shaya couldn’t stop staring at the dragonborn before her. Her skirt looked short enough that she could probably see right under it if she squatted- a prospect aided by how tight her leggings were. And that tail- it was very long, and the end was covered in little bumps. The way it whipped about and curled gave Shaya all sorts of awful ideas. Boy, she’s really showin’ off ALL her goods, huh? Talk about bein’ friendly to window shoppers…

She found herself reaching for Rarity’s tail- fuelled by a mixture of curiosity and other emotions she couldn’t quite explain. “Um… can I, uh-”

“Touch my tail? Oh, please, help yourself.” Rarity said, scooting even closer to her on the ground-, before curling it around Shaya’s torso and resting the tip in her lap. “Tails are quite important to us- so you’re a very lucky girl to get this opportunity.”

“Wow… it’s smoother than I was expecting.” Shaya began running her hands up and down the slender tail, appreciating how smooth it was- except for the end, which was covered in hard little bumps. I wonder if… Shaya grasped it- and nothing happened.

“What, were you expecting that part to be sensitive, perhaps? Sorry, but it’s just decoration.” Rarity chuckled. “The really sensitive part of our tails is right around here.” Rarity got up, turning around, and gestured to the base of her tail, just above her big, blue bottom.

Shaya’s jaw dropped- from where she was sitting, she had a perfect view up Rarity’s skirt. She didn’t know if it was on purpose. But she couldn’t tear her eyes away from those leggings that were… far tighter than one would expect. Is she- is she doin’ what I think she is- I gotta know.

“Are you tryin’ to seduce me?”

Rarity turned around, a hungry look in her eyes. “Oh, what could have given you that impression? Yes. Though, this means I can cut to the chase, now.” Rarity casually pointed at the satyr’s large bosom. “Those wouldn’t happen to be up for grabs, would they?”

The satyr raised her eyebrow and let out a soft chuckle. Now that she knew what the score was, she could play on the same field- probably. “Ooh. Um, uh… Depends on if you’ve got something to trade in exchange.”

In response, Rarity merely gestured to her body- which was a far more convincing offer than any words could propose. Shaya was practically drooling already. “Oh, it’s that kind of bartering is it?” She thought for a few seconds, before a lascivious grin crept across her face. “Well then, I accept.”

Rarity bared her fangs in a menacing, yet alluring grin. “Good. Though… I hope you’ve got enough energy for a longer night than you may be used to. Once a fire’s been lit… sometimes it can take a long time to die out.”

“Then I can just be the firewood needed to keep it goin’.” Shaya blurted- to which Rarity simply chuckled as she walked closer and closer…

Shaya’s heart was fluttering faster than a hummingbird’s wings, or so it felt like.

That outfit Rarity was wearing looked difficult to get out of quickly, but Rarity was out of it like a child unwrapping a gift box- quick, and ready to get at the delightful gifts inside. She clearly didn’t care for any sort of striptease- she wanted to get down to business as soon as possible. Not that Shaya could blame her. The more she saw of this mysteriously attractive woman, the more excited she got.

Once she’d completely disrobed, Shaya couldn’t help gawking. “Wow, you… you’re really somethin’, aren’t ya?” Her eyes moved up and down the blue goddess before her, practically devouring the buffet of eye candy before her. Rarity was at least a head taller than her, and definitely much more toned and muscular. Her long tendrils that resembled hair were trailed behind her head, waving slightly with every step. She could crack my head like an egg with those legs… Or bite my face off… or do any number of things.

And her cunt was on full display- already desperately wet, the blue folds beckoned her like an open gate.

Looking into her golden eyes, Shaya felt a mixture of intimidation and arousal. They looked hungry- almost desperate, yet restrained and refined. Rarity placed a clawed hand on her shoulder. “Before we start- I should remind you. If you want to back out- just ask. I can be, rather, ahem, demanding.”

Huh. Really? “Sure?” What kinda demands is she talkin’ about? I mean, I can probably guess…

“Good. Then come here.” The blue dragonborn’s hands moved over her swiftly like a clawed tidal wave, stroking and squeezing all over her. Her claws gently trailed down her back, lightly scratching her and sending a shiver up Shaya’s spine.

“Well, don’t be shy- you’ve got hands, feel free to use them. It’s no fun if I’m the only one getting to take any handfuls.” Rarity drawled, letting out a soft breath onto Shaya’s face.

“O-oh, right!” Shaya yelped, her voice cracking embarrassingly. She was too busy staring and being overwhelmed to remember to participate herself. Quickly, she began to explore Rarity’s warm body with her hands. She’s so warm… She was softer than Shaya was expecting. One time she’d slept with a lizardfolk ranger to get some free food- and his scales, along with the rest of him, were pretty rough. But Rarity… her scales were MUCH smoother, finer, almost like a textured leather belt.

Rarity gripped her tighter, already grinding her hips against Shaya’s groin with a gentle hiss. “Well, aren’t ya a randy one.” Shaya giggled. “Must be real pent up.”

“And what about you?” Rarity hissed, giving her a gentle lick on the cheek. “I can already feel you getting just as wet… though, I’m probably even more aroused, given the beauty present before me.”

“Oh, girl, I really doubt you’re hornier than little ol’ me.” Shaya tapped the tips of her long horns, just to make her failed attempt at humor even more obvious.

“Are you TRYING to kill the mood?” Rarity sighed.

“Nah, ya look cute when you’re annoyed.” Shaya ran her hands through the blue dragonborn’s ‘hair’. “So ah’m just tryin’ to help ya look yer best.”

“I think that’s enough talking, then, for the moment.” Rarity bent down slightly, and after a few cursory nuzzles, whipped out her dark blue tongue, dragging it across her face. Up and down her cheeks… Shaya was frozen in awe, her jaw hanging agape- which came in handy when Rarity took the opportunity to slide her tongue deep into her mouth for a sloppy, wet kiss.

Rarity gripped the back of her head as she pressed her snout to Shaya’s face, practically wrestling Shaya’s tongue into submission- not that she was in any mood to protest. On the contrary, she had never been more excited in her life. Oh… I’ve been with lizardfolk before, but none of ‘em were as good of a kisser as this lady is!

Not content with even that, Rarity opened her snout and shoved it over Shaya’s face as far as it could go- which wasn’t very far, but it was enough to get just a couple more inches of her long tongue down the satyr’s throat. If Shaya didn’t know better, she’d swear that Rarity was trying to eat her. Oh, wow. She’s practiced this before… a lot, clearly.

The lusty satyr eagerly returned the deep kiss, running her tongue over her own, grunting all the while. She wrapped her arms around Rarity’s torso, grasping her back, and squeezed as hard as she could. She even slipped a hand into Rarity’s hair-tendrils, playing with them, pulling them just slightly. The more Rarity grinded against her, the more intense the haze of pleasure got.

By the time Rarity withdrew herself, Shaya was wet. Face dripping with saliva, very sweaty from how excited she was getting- and practically drenched down there, thanks to Rarity’s grinding. “Wow… I bet you’ve been very lonely for a while, haven’t ya?” Shaya gasped.

“You could say that.” Rarity, not missing a beat, dove for Shaya’s huge chest, gripping her breasts tightly. “You’re very soft. Of course there are pillows, but… nothing really competes, does it?” The lusty dragonborn, not giving her a chance to respond, placed her snout onto one of Shaya’s breasts. Her boob was large enough that it could barely fit inside- but that didn’t stop Rarity one bit, beginning to nibble and slurp at it, more intensely with each passing second.

“Ya- ya know that nothing’s gonna come out of those, right- MNGH!” Rarity had clamped down even harder on her breast in her suckling frenzy- clearly the amorous dragonborn didn’t give a damn. She stayed like that for a bit, before bringing her hand to Shaya’s skirt- sliding her fingers in between the belt and her furry hip.

Oh. Ooh, is she going to- come on, do it! “Go ahead… rip it right off! I can always, hah, fix it later!”

With one fluid motion, Rarity grabbed the leaf skirt Shaya was wearing, and ripped it right off, then leaned in close, staring directly into those soft, green eyes. “Well then. Want to keep going?”

“Do I?” Shaya gasped. “You don’t even have to ask!”

She’s quite a randy one, isn’t she? But that’s just the way I like it. “Oh, I figured- but it’s always best to.” Rarity put on her best authoritative tone. “Then lay down, please. Now .”

Shaya blushed, and instantly obeyed the gentle request- presenting herself for the pleasure to come. Rarity grinned. “Good girl. Now, spread those legs a little bit. You won’t have to worry about anything… just let me take care of you.”

As Shaya lay down on the ground, facing up and spreading her legs as far as she could go, her excitement was plain to see- she was blushing something fierce. “Come on, I bet you’re real thirsty- well, there’s a big river forming right here. Go ahead and drink all ya want.”

Rarity chuckled at her attempts at a seductive line, and licked her chops in anticipation. “Oh, I think you’ll find that I can be quite thirsty when I want to be. Especially when I’ve arrived at a lovely oasis like this.” She bent down, and took in the sight before her. A lovely, wet mound, surrounded by soft, thick fur on all sides- with an adorable little clit barely peeking its way out from the surrounding fluff.

Rarity began to stroke the satyr’s legs- petting, scratching, giving them gentle licks and nibbles along the way as she took in as much of her lover’s scent as possible. She started at the calves and slowly made her way to her thighs, drawing out her anticipation as much as possible.

“C’mon… why’re you takin’ so long?!” Shaya snapped. “Hurry up, already!”

“Don’t you know that good girls are supposed to be patient?” Rarity said. “Wait.” That was enough to get her to calm down- at least for the moment. Not that Rarity planned on waiting much longer, either, when such temptations lay less than an inch away from her sensitive snout.

Rarity leaned in and took a big sniff. The mixed scent of pipeweed, sweat, and fur was a heady one indeed- and it aroused her all the more. There was no hiding Shaya’s excitement- she looked fit to burst already from all the teasing she’d been subjected to. I suppose I can give her what she wants, she’s been so patient so far.

And so, she began to lick at her already-sticky folds. Slowly at first she slipped her indigo tongue around the edges of her entrance, then began sliding it in. Mmmm… gods,  she tastes good. Of course different folks tended to have different flavors, scents, lots of things. And Rarity wasn’t exactly the picky type. But this was a flavor she could get behind- slurping as much of that deliciousness right up as she could.

“Anggh… Rarity…” Shaya was grabbing big handfuls of grass, clenching her fists so hard her knuckles were turning white. Her little goat was practically shivering already- and she’d barely begun!

Rarity let out a hiss of satisfaction. She loved that feeling- that of driving somebody so totally over the edge that they couldn’t even speak. Taking big handfuls of those furry thighs, Rarity’s fervor only increased. The scent of arousal filled her nostrils, and the taste of ecstasy poured over her tongue. The fur surrounding her wet folds tickled her snout, but she kept on. Oh, it’s been SO long since I’ve had a proper lay. I’m going to relish this!

Every slurp she took drove another soft moan from her hairy lover- and every time she shook, arched her back in pleasure, those massive tits jiggled a little more. Rarity started licking even faster, making them thrash about like a plate of gelatin at a fancy party as Shaya thrashed about, moaning incoherently. And of course, she made sure to rub her furry lover’s clit occasionally, slathering her indigo tongue over it- which gave her some particularly entertaining cries of adulation out of the satyr’s mouth.

Let’s go a little deeper, shall we? She opened her snout, letting out more of her dark blue tongue to plumb her depths ever deeper- and moving it closer onto her body, as if trying to take a bite out of her. She was careful not to scrape the sensitive flesh with her teeth, merely resting her jaws.

“Wow, girl, you’ve had experience with this, huh?” Shaya gasped, before Rarity slammed her tongue as deep inside as it could go. “You’re… oh, just like that- keep going!”

Rarity quickened her pace- and soon, all normal words had left the satyr’s mouth, being replaced with incoherent moaning and bleating. She looked up- what little of Shaya’s face she could see past her ponderous tits was the picture of pleasure. Eyes rolled back in her head, blushing, the works. Exactly the kind of expression she liked to see. She kept going, as Shaya’s moans increased to a fever pitch- but, sadly, eventually it had to end.

“Ohhhh… you… BaaaAAAAANGH!”

Shaya let out a loud moan that sounded more like a bleat than she probably meant it to, and finally released the heat she’d been building up. The satyr’s legs clamped down on Rarity’s head as she rode out the waves of her orgasm, gasping out a strained “Oh… gods…”.

Rarity finally stopped, letting the scent of her efforts wash over her. It smelled absolutely delicious… and she definitely wasn’t done yet.

Shaya struggled to get to her feet, barely recovering from that rush. “Ohhh… that was- where’d you learn to do that?”

“Being out and about, mostly. Can’t get experiences like this in that stuffy old castle…” Rarity muttered in her immensely aroused haze, her face covered in the aftermath of Shaya’s orgasm.

Shaya sat up in a hurry- not quite sure what she just heard, but excited all the same. “Wait, castle? Are you a noble? A princess?!”

Rarity gritted her teeth. Clearly her wild guess was right on the money. “Shit. Loose tongue… Don’t tell anyone that… I’m technically a fugitive, you see.”

Wow, how many secrets can one dragonborn hide?! “Ooh, how exciting! But my lips are sealed, don’t you worry. Although, there is another way you could shut me up…” Her mind was going into overdrive- all her normal inhibitions were draining away by the second.

“Oh?” Rarity sat up, slurping her snout clean with that incredible tongue of hers. “What did you have in mind, then?”

“W-Well. I bet you could use a proper throne, couldn’t you?” Shaya laid back down and gestured to her blushing, freckled face. “Go ahead.”

“Oh, my. Daring today, aren’t we?” Rarity grinned, exposing the barest hint of her teeth. “That’s a trait I like to see.”

Shaya was slightly confused. “Really? You struck me as more of the type to really wanna bend someone over and-”

Rarity shook her head. “Please, I am not so barbaric. There’s a difference between intimidation and fear- and I prefer to merely intimidate my lovers. After all, if they’re too scared, it’s no fun for either party. I prefer a more gentle sort of…” She hesitated. “Pecking order, shall I say. Anyway… hold still. I’ll need to be careful, lest I sit down wrong and injure you- I am a bit heavy to handle, after all.” Rarity got up to position herself above the eager satyr, gently lowering herself down so that her muscular ass was right in Shaya’s face. She was heavy, to be sure- but Shaya didn’t mind in the least.

“Enjoying your new position as a royal cushion?” Rarity hissed.

Shaya was too busy being smothered under Rarity’s own soft ‘cushions’ to give a proper response that wasn’t incoherent groaning, but she gave a simple thumbs-up to give her approval.

Rarity chuckled. “Good. Just pinch me if you can’t breathe- I know I’ve got quite the lovely figure. And believe it or not, I’ve met some dragonborn that are even taller- and MUCH heavier.”

Shaya gripped her scaly cheeks tightly, savoring their feeling. So soft… and yet, there was an iron core of muscle underneath. She couldn’t keep her hands off them- they demanded her attention. And yet, there was one more thing that was even more intriguing. She reached up and began to experimentally grope the base of Rarity’s tail.

“Ah, so you were paying attention earlier.” Rarity gasped. “Good… go ahead and grab as much as you want. It’s the perk of being my seat for the moment.” Shaya was only too happy to oblige, running her hands all over the thick base of her tail, which was whipping everywhere above her head- clearly she had to get out that pent up energy somewhere.

“You must be thirsty down there… go ahead and get a taste, if you want.” Rarity hissed in a low voice. “After all, you went and got me all excited earlier… it’s only fair, isn’t it?” Following the request, Shaya began to experimentally lick at Rarity’s soft folds, not even bothering to go slowly- she was so turned on, no adjustment period was necessary. The smell of the dragonborn’s arousal was flooding her nostrils, and she was desperate to do whatever was necessary to get more of it.

“Mmm, good.” Rarity reached down and began playing with Shaya’s breasts again. “I’m glad I found you… I haven’t seen breasts like these in ages . So soft… and yet, so firm.” Rarity gave them a tight squeeze, which drove another grunt of pleasure out of the satyr underneath her.

There was only one problem- Shaya was getting incredibly aroused again- but thanks to Rarity’s big legs in the way, she couldn’t reach her own pussy to take care of that problem. Thankfully, Rarity, perceptive as ever, noticed almost immediately.

“Wait.” Rarity got up for a second, giving Shaya some space to take a deep breath- before turning around and sitting on her the other way- her soft, scaly mound directly above her mouth. She could get a great view of those bountiful blue breasts from here- and it was an amazing sight indeed.

“There we go. Now we can really have some fun.” Rarity drawled, as she grinded against Shaya’s face gently. 

Shaya felt something poking at her pussy. What- is that her tail? Is she really going to- Her question was answered by a hard shove- Rarity had slid its tip right inside of her- bumps and all.

“Mmph!” Shaya let out a grunt of pleasure from the suddenness of the intrusion- but then she slid it back out, then in again. The bumps prodded and poked at her insides, making her wetter and slicker- which just made the repeated motion of her tail smoother every time.

“Having fun, are you?” Rarity cooed, looking directly down at her blushing face.

Shaya could barely concentrate. Her nose and mouth were completely subsumed by the soft pussy above her… and all she could do was keep licking. With every slurp, she lost a little more of her patience. She NEEDED to have more of it.

Rarity’s clit was right there above her face- begging to be slurped at, given even more attention- but the odd angle she was stuck at kept her from giving it the love it deserved. As always, though, Rarity was on the ball- she reached down and grabbed Shaya’s arm, guiding it to the little blue nub that taunted her so.

“Keep going.” Rarity said, her voice comforting but commanding. “It’s not fair if you leave me hanging, you know. Especially since I’m doing most of the work…”

Shaya was only too happy to contribute, rubbing at Rarity’s clit as fast as she could- and in return, Rarity slammed that hard, bumpy tail in and out of her entrance. Again and again, hitting her in different places each time with those protrusions-

Again?! I can’t believe it’s that fast, I… Shaya came again, even harder than last time. The heaviness of Rarity on top of her, the scent and taste of her pussy, and the furious thrusting of her tail- it was far too much. And as if that wasn’t enough, Rarity had finally lost what control she had left.

It wasn’t long before Rarity came herself, her scaly mound now covered in sticky wetness and oozing all over Shaya’s face. “Gooooood girl…” Rarity sighed, finally releasing all that tension she’d been building up- ripe for Shaya to be drenched in, rendering her an incoherent, moaning mess. Again.

As Rarity came down from that peak of pleasure, she brushed her hair-tendril out of her eyes. Looking down at Shaya, her eyes were rolled back in her head- clearly she’d had just a good a time as her, and that made her very satisfied indeed. Crawling off Shaya’s body, she lifted her up and pulled her close, licking and kissing her some more.

“Fuck me, that was good…” Shaya gasped. “You’re somethin’ else, you know that?”

“Well, I have had plenty of practice.” Rarity went to work slurping the mess she’d made off the satyr’s face with her dark blue tongue.

Shaya looked at her, straight in the eye. “I have an important question, actually…”

“And that is?” Rarity gave her another lick up the side of her head.

“Um… are ya lookin’ for any bandmates?” Shaya blurted out. “I will say, it’ll be a bit lonely when you leave. You’re the best I’ve had so far, and ya seem really nice, and confident, and…” Her voice trailed off, and she blushed, as if incredibly embarrassed. But Rarity didn’t mind at all.

This was exactly the result she was hoping for.

Rarity didn’t even flinch after her stammering. “The best, you say… Well. You really know how to flatter a lady.” She let out a gentle hiss, and leaned in closer to the nervous satyr- who was blushing so hard that she probably looked like she’d had a tomato thrown at her.

“Stand up.” Shaya did. I didn’t expect her to be falling all over me that quickly. I suppose Amoria did answer my prayer, after all.

The blue dragonborn backed her against the large rock, licking her lips. "Lonely, you say. Well, so am I. Perhaps we could... help fill the holes in each other's hearts?"

Shaya was already blushing furiously- the scaly princess in front of her was tall enough that her blue chest filled all her vision. No matter where she looked, she couldn’t help but drink in the amazing view.

“I’d love to, but… is there somethin’ you want from me in return? A discount, perhaps? This ain’t a scheme to get free pipeweed, is it? Gotta be careful, after all…”

Rarity chuckled, her voice deepening into a seductive growl. “Well, perhaps if you’re up to my standards- I’m looking for full-time bandmates, you see. Ones who are equally excellent on stage, and backstage. If you catch my meaning-”

“I’ll do it!” Shaya said, cutting her off before she could even finish. “You’re a great lute player, and, um, good at everything else, too.”

Rarity nuzzled her again, grinning lasciviously. “That fast, hm? Guess the offer was good enough for you. Now that that’s out of the way… Well… I know I’ve got a bit more energy left if you do.”

“More?!” Shaya gasped, blushing again. “How do ya have the stamina for- I mean, I wouldn’t be OPPOSED to more…”

“Excellent. Then I have just the thing in mind.” Rarity bared her teeth in a hungry grin, and pointed to the tall rock. “Put your hands on there, and bend over.”

Quickly, Shaya obeyed the command, standing with her back to her. Her cute little fluffy tail waved, as if beckoning her closer to that fluffy rear, presenting herself to be properly mated.
By her.

Rarity grinned. By the time she was done, she’d have to carry her little goat to the next town. Getting closer, Rarity could see her legs still shaking a bit from the last two orgasms she’d wrung out of those furry hips. But she wasn’t done. Not quite yet.

Rarity leaned in close, pressing her chest against the back of Shaya’s head. With one hand, she grasped one of Shaya’s soft breasts, squeezing it as tightly as she could. With the other, she ran it down her body until she reached her wet cunt. Quickly, she slid two of her fingers inside, and began rubbing Shaya’s clit with her thumb.

“You- oh… don’t you have claws?” Shaya said, blushing even harder than before.

“Oh, I always keep my claws trimmed… for important instances like this.” Rarity huffed. “Don’t want to scratch up any sensitive anatomy, now do we? Now, stand still.”

Rarity bent over slightly to get into the correct position- and began licking Shaya’s face. Up and down her cheeks, snapping her jaws gently less than an inch from her head, nipping her ears…

Then, she buried her snout in Shaya’s hair, taking a long, deep breath to breathe in the smell of it. She loved it- it was soft, wavy- she’d have a lot of fun running her claws through that later.

All the while, she continued to run her fingers back and forth inside Shaya’s wet pussy, stroking her walls, making her shudder with every move.

“You’re… not usin’ your tail…” Shaya gasped. “Why?”

That’s not enough? I’m impressed. “Well, there is one place that’s still open.” Rarity grinned, maneuvering it to poke between Shaya’s furry cheeks- at her tight asshole. “Though… it might be a lot for you to handle. Unless you’ve practiced this sort of thing before?”

“Don’t you hold back on me now, you big blue beaut…” The lusty satyr huffed. “You’ve been invited in through the back door, don’t get cold hooves now!”

“Well, how can I resist such a polite invitation?” With permission granted, Rarity began the slow, gentle process of sliding her tail up Shaya’s plush ass. With every small bump that slid inside, the satyr clenched a little harder- and grunted in pain. Thankfully, since it’d been made wetter by exploring her pussy earlier, it wasn’t as painful as it could’ve been- but Rarity was still careful. She didn’t want her first time with this cute little goat to go wrong at the last minute.

But Shaya was clenching too much- if she went further right now, it wouldn’t go very well. And so, Rarity stopped.

“Why’d ya- don’t stop now!” Shaya groaned.

“You’re too tight for this right now. Just try to relax. It’ll be easier that way.” Rarity cooed, giving her cheek a gentle lick.

“Easy for you to say… I don’t practice this kinda thing very often.” Shaya said, pouting. “But I’ll try…”

Rarity could feel Shaya relaxing slightly in her grip- and so, slowly but surely, she slid that bumpy, hard tail as deep inside as it could go. Of course she didn’t get much of anything personally out of this. Dragonborn tails weren’t that sensitive. But the moans and gasps she could make when she used her tail… it excited her like nothing else.

Once her tail had reached Shaya’s limit, Rarity left it there for a bit, to let her get used to the bumpy appendage…

And then, she pulled it out, and began to thrust.

“Anggh… Rarity!!” Shaya cried out, not caring about who heard, not anymore. The rough insertion of her bumpy tail drove her wild- and she knew that her new lover wasn’t even close to being done with her yet.

Shaya was in a whole new world of pleasure, as Rarity loomed over her, making sure no part of her was left without attention. Of course she’d had lovers before, but they were more concerned with getting their rocks off- she was usually left wanting. But Rarity was different… she seemed possessed. She was utterly devoted to making her cum until she dropped, relishing her pleasure and how she was devolving into dough in her hands.

She could feel the dragonborn’s warm body all over. Those smooth scales grinding on her body… those soft breasts pressing against her back. Her hot, guttural breath against her face. The way she so fiercely gripped her breast, squeezing it like a soft fruit.

“Fuck… you’re- so- GOOD at that- ANH!” Shaya moaned. Rarity’s clawed fingers slid inside her pussy again, forcefully stroking her walls, making her spasm and clench.

“Oh, yes, I am. And I LOVE hearing it, so say it as many times as you want.” Rarity growled, as she slid those two fingers as far back as she could, then out again.

Shaya could barely think, the way Rarity’s tail was pounding her ass like that. The little bumps, the way she was so rough with yanking it in and out… “Good! It’s SO good, angh…”

Rarity hissed, giving her cheek a gentle nip. “Good girl. Then I’ll give you a little extra, to make it even better.” Before Shaya could react, Rarity had slipped a third finger into her sopping cunt, moving them in an alternating rhythm to drive her into even more of a frenzy.

“How’s that? Still having a good time?” Rarity growled, as she kept slamming her fingers and tail into Shaya’s insides, churning them up so much that Shaya could barely think straight.

“Haah… If taunting a dragonborn is always this productive… I should do it more, heh- ANH!” Rarity had given her a hard nip on her shoulder- not enough to draw blood, but hard enough to leave a mark of her presence.

“Oh, taunting one isn’t wise. We tend to have a bit of an ego problem… just ask my brother. Now, come on. I want to hear how much fun you’re having.” Rarity thrusted again into her ass- even harder than last time- so hard that Shaya nearly jumped off the ground! 

Her other hand kept kneading her breast like it was soft dough- and it was certainly getting a rise out of her. Alternating from each, squeezing the left one, then the right– the sheer sensation of Rarity playing so fiercely with her sensitive breasts kept Shaya gasping for more. And all the while, Rarity continued her furious frenzy of nipping- gentle, but hard enough to maintain the illusion that she could bite something off if she wanted.

“Go ahead. I want to hear how well you can bleat , little satyr…” Rarity hissed in a low voice, right in her ear.

Shaya shivered. “Ohhhh… OOHHH!” The last shred of her inhibitions fell away, and she moaned as loud as she could. She didn’t care if some wild animal came along and heard them. After all, Rarity had already chased away a bear earlier- what did it matter if something else came by? She knew the blue goddess currently making a mess of her would keep her safe. As Rarity’s tail plunged ever deeper, worming its way into her deepest depths, sliding in and out, Shaya could feel it again- that familiar sensation of building pleasure.

As if she knew that Shaya was about to cum again, Rarity yanked her tail out of the satyr’s ass with a rough plop, making her shudder and gasp. Shaya turned around to look at her, incensed. “What- c’mon, I was just about to-”

The blue dragonborn didn’t even let her finish her sentence. “Turn around.” She commanded.

Frantically, not wanting the fun to end, Shaya did so, and Rarity immediately placed her hands on her furry hips- and lifted her right up off the ground!

“Oh, OH! You’re-” Rarity pressed her snout to her face, and cut her off with inches of blue, sloppy tongue. “Mmmph…” And soon after, she whipped her tail back and slid it right up her ass again, harder than ever! But Rarity wasn’t satisfied with just that- with an annoyed grunt, she opened her mouth and slid her open snout over Shaya’s face- it was a tight fit, but it was worth it for the extra bit of tongue that was flooding her mouth, practically wrestling her own tongue into submission.

Shaya wrapped her arms around Rarity’s torso to keep her balance, gripping her so tightly that she’d break the skin if Rarity didn’t have scales. Shaya could hear every huff of exertion, every hiss of pleasure- her nose was filled with the hot breath of this lusty dragonborn, her mouth filled with that indigo tongue, her ass still being churned up by that slick, bumpy tail, and Rarity grinding her own soft pussy against hers as hard as she could.

Her clawed hands were tightly gripping Shaya’s hips, so as to not drop her. If it wasn’t for the fur that covered them, it might have left a mark.

Shaya tried to hold on as long as she could- she didn’t want this to stop, ever- but soon, the pleasure was too intense, and she let herself fall over the edge. “MMPHH!!” Even with her mouth full of dark blue tongue, she still yelled as loud as she could- and Rarity returned her growls in kind. She could feel Rarity orgasming too- her furious humping driving her just as wild.

For a long time, the two stood, entangled in each other, as they oozed the last of the waves of pleasure away. And then, a still silence.

As Shaya finally came down from her final, and best, orgasm, her mind slowly returned to her. Rarity, too, was reduced to a panting mess, who gently helped Shaya to the ground.

“Wow… that was… incredible.” Shaya gasped, barely able to stand. Thankfully, Rarity was there to hold her up- and she didn’t seem to be having any trouble.

Rarity didn’t say anything, rather bending down to position her head at Shaya’s nethers again. “And- what’re you doin’? I don’t think I have any more in me-”

“Cleaning you off.” Rarity said. “It’s the least I can do after making such a hot mess out of you. Now hold still.”

Shaya did so- and was treated to another few minutes of Rarity drooling over her sopping cunt and ass, as she slurped up any and all traces of their lovemaking- and one final wave of pleasure. “Damn… even when you’ve made such a mess of me, you’re still so polite about it.”

“I can always be less polite if you wish.” Rarity grasped her tail and gave it a little pull.

“Ow!” Shaya frowned. “You’re being pretty rude yourself right now- after all, if you’re going to be so insistent on cleaning me, I should do the same!”

“Really.” Rarity cocked her brow. “Well, I won’t pass up the opportunity for some worship…”

Shaya dove to her knees, and repeated the process on Rarity’s own dripping folds, slurping at it vigorously, like a wild animal at a watering hole- until she was just as clean.

Soon, Rarity lay down on her back, holding Shaya close to her- one hand wrapped around her torso and gripping her shoulder, the other playing idly with her short tail.

“Wow… when I saw you in a vision yesterday, I didn’t think you’d be THIS good.” Shaya sighed, nestling her face in between Rarity’s soft breasts. She could hear the dragonborn’s heartbeat. It was slowing by the second, coming down from the adrenaline rush of earlier- and it felt nice.

“You- you KNEW I was going to be here?” Rarity said, sounding quite surprised- which Shaya couldn’t help but giggle at given how unflappable and dominant she’d been for the last several minutes.

“Didn’t ya know? Satyr weed can help ya see the future.”

“I’d heard rumors about that, but I didn’t know it was true.”

“Oh, please. Caught a glimpse of ya while I was smokin’ up last night, and I thought, ‘damn, she looks like she could show me a good time’. Even saw ya scare off that bear! So I went to bed without a shirt on- just in case you happened to wake me up, just to give ya a little extra incentive.”

Rarity snorted. “Well, it did work.” She moved her hand to run it through Shaya’s long, curly hair. “So. Bandmates. Permanent companions, to share a stage, and a bed with. And you’re sure? I should mention- I won’t be satisfied with just one, probably, so if you’re looking for an exclusive-”

“Gods, yes!” Shaya blushed. “A noble, huh, Lookin’ for concu- what’s that word? For when one of those royal types has a lotta people they sleep with.”

Rarity was nonplussed. “Concubines.”

“Yeah, that. So if you are…” She thought for a moment. Never had a stand that lasted longer than one night before… but if she does THAT all the time, for free… then who am I to refuse such an offer? Shaya shrugged.

“Dang, if I get some more of what you’re offerin- I don’t mind sharin’. As long as I get a say in who joins."

“Well, of course. It’s only fair.” Rarity said.

Shaya giggled. "Ya know, it'd beHOOVE you to maybe lead with that next time… I’m fine with it, but others might not be as much.”

"Oh, stop talking already." Rarity pulled her into another soft, deep kiss.

Later, when the duo had finally recovered enough of their stamina to stand, they got to their feet and gathered their clothes- though they still looked a complete mess.

Shaya was just finished hastily tying together the skirt that Rarity had ripped off, and actually putting on her top made out of leaves that she’d slept without.“Well, I might need you to carry me to the next town…”

Rarity chuckled. “Really? Not the best first impression, to be unable to carry your own weight.”

Shaya pouted. “Hey, don’t blame me, blame that tail you were grindin’ around in there! I feel like I’ve been swimmin’ in mud!”

“By the way…” Rarity pointed to one of Shaya’s breasts. Don't those get heavy?"

"Oh, sure, but without 'em, I wouldn't get nearly as many sales. And I wouldn't've met ya. So I think that's a fair deal, ain't it?"

Rarity chuckled. “That’s true. So you won’t mind if I help hold them on occasion?”

Shaya let out a loud laugh. “Wow, the perks of this gig keep comin’, don’t they?”

The duo strode off, out of the forest… eventually, hunting for the next person to join their merry band… and backstage, of course.

Meanwhile, on Deus Mons…

Virial, goddess of the hunt, was bored. There was NOTHING to do up here. No challenging prey to occupy herself with. No unexplored territory to investigate. And not even hanging out with her current best friend- Alviae, the goddess of nature- was helping her profound sense of ennui.

The barrier on Deus Mons was a strong enchantment indeed. No matter how hard she’d tried to break it down, she could never make more than a simple crack, that simply reformed after a bit of time. She hated being stuck here, in this cage. Of course she knew Alviae could relate- it’s not like she could run out and perform her usual brand of mischief under these conditions.

She was inside Alviae’s room- a boundless natural paradise, sitting together on a large wooden chair- conveniently sized small enough so that they HAD to be touching- Virial swore Alviae was doing that on purpose.

The place was full of trees, grass, rivers, all the usual accoutrements you’d expect. Of course, how the space really worked was that it looped around on itself- not that that mattered when Alviae felt like going for a run- or when Virial felt compelled to chase after her.

She couldn’t help it- it was her natural predator instincts. Not that Alviae seemed to mind… she said it was ‘good practice’ for her. Whatever that meant. She didn’t even complain when Virial finally caught up to her one time and sank her claws into-

“Oh, look, here’s something interesting.” Alviae’s low yet jovial voice broke Virial out of her trance, keeping her thoughts from going places they probably shouldn’t.
Virial looked out over the surface of the water- an odd sight was present.

A blue dragonborn and a satyr, going at it like they were in heat. Licking all over each other, shoving tails everywhere, squeezing and scratching every part… Oh my, how lewd. “Perhaps we shouldn’t be watching this-”

“Oh, don’t be such a killjoy. This is the most interesting thing I’ve found when scrying for the last few hours.” Alviae giggled. “Unless you want to try chasing me again to relieve your boredom?”

Virial shook her head. “I’m still recovering from that time you tripped and fell on me.”

“That was an accident, my dear wolf!” The nature goddess chuckled.

For a while, they kept watching the duo go at it- all the while, Alviae kept going on about how creative they were. “They’re lucky they didn’t try to make love on top of some poisonous plant.” Alviae sighed. “That would put an end to their merriment quickly.”

“There weren’t any bugs around there… you wouldn’t have had anything to do with that, would you?” Virial grunted.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Alviae shrugged, letting out a low chuckle. “And besides, that is Kriella’s domain. As for that bear? Maybe. After all, having that dragonborn look better to get together with her true love? Now that’s amusing.”

“Have you been talking to Amoria again?” Virial groaned. “Her nonsense is a pox upon all our minds.”

“It’s the least I can do to keep myself sane in here. At least this way I can influence the mortal world still, in subtle ways. And who knows- maybe Amoria will find a good partner for me in the near future!”

Virial sighed. They’d been bitter rivals for centuries. Virial was the goddess of predators- savage animals that ripped apart their quarry. Alviae was in charge of everything else- the animals that fought to simply survive. They should hate each other…

Virial’s chest burned. She was wrestling with feelings she didn’t quite understand- but she’d be damned if she was going to ask that blasted Amoria for help. She couldn’t stop looking at her, though…

That rotund, soft frame, those majestic antlers on her head, that long nose and soft-looking lips… Virial shook her head again. She needed to maintain her concentration, not fall into frivolous thoughts.

But she DID like the way the nature goddess didn’t hesitate to plunge her hands into Virial’s fur and give her all the scratches she didn’t know she was missing. It felt nice. After all, it wasn’t as if any of the other gods would even consider such an action. And Alviae understood that it was merely platonic affection between good friends.

Right?

If those pesky thoughts don’t leave my head soon, I might have to go see Amoria after all…

Virial leaned closer to Alviae, who took the opportunity to pet her- even more heavily than usual, she noticed. She wondered if that meant anything. Probably not.

Author's note: holy moly this one was fun to write. first lesbian ship in the books... wrote like, 7000 words of it in ONE DAY. i was possessed by the smut gods.
yes, this is one of rarity's bandmates- a little early since she hasn't appeared in the 'main' plot yet but the SMUT WAS CALLING TO ME OKAY.
anyway, here's some DELIGHTFUL art from @Dragon_Tamer8 as usual- with an alt this time too! PLEASE give him a follow, this is SO GOOD.

also... next chapter is #34. expect something FUN from that one, heheheheheheheheheheheheh

Chapter Text

Ever since the Great Barrier around Deus Mons was erected in the year 900, the Gods have been trapped- unable to escape except for brief excursions, and definitely not able to unleash their full power as they once did.

This was a clever, dark ploy- to deprive them of their worship, so the Empire’s Prophet could take their place.

However, deities are crafty sorts, and the gods have found ways to gather worship anyway, though. Hidden ceremonies, underground orders devoted to them, secret idols that are near-indestructible, and the occasional appearance to a lucky few.

Theoretically, an immortal worshipper would be the best possible option for a steady stream of energy- but such things are extraordinarily hard to obtain.

-The History the Empire Doesn’t Want YOU to know!

“Argh, there’s NOTHING to do right now! It’s HORRIBLE!”

Amoria was pacing back and forth in her room. She was bored. SO bored, and when she got bored, she started looking for drama to gawk at, and people to try and pair off- that was the duty of the goddess of love, after all!

“Ever since this stupid barrier came up, I can’t go out and shove mortals together anymore like I used to! All these potential loves, going to waste! It’s enough to drive me mad!”

Her room was filled with heart pillows, roses, and all sorts of carefully curated objects of beauty, the place was the picture of cleanliness- after all, cleanliness was next to godliness! Even when she got mad and tossed a piece of furniture out the window, she was quick to clean up any sign of it, lest she be seen as unseemly.

But the most distinguishing feature, of course, was the massive board on the wall, covered in names written on slips of paper, and red strings connecting them all. Her masterpiece- her ship board for the entirety of mortal, demon, devil, and godkind! It was always growing, and magically designed so that she’d never run out of space. Which was good, because new people were always coming up, and with that came the need to try and pair them off.

Her best buddy Zarnath, meanwhile, was hanging out on the couch- keeping his slime to HIMSELF, lest he stain her furniture. Nobody is allowed to abuse the things in my room but ME, thank you.

“Listen, I’m busy trying to pair up all the remaining gods. Some of them are STILL single after all this time, and it’s driving me up the wall!”

“Lovebird, maybe you should find other hobbies.”

Zarnath was the only one who could get away with calling her that- they’d been through too much together for her to get mad at any of his usual snark. Teaming up to take down a terrifying Archdemon that even the gods were having trouble with tended to smooth over a lot of friction- order and chaos meant nothing in the face of oblivion, after all.

“Zarnath, that’d be like asking you to not break things randomly. It’s in your BLOOD.” Amoria huffed. “Anyway, take a look at this.” She gestured to a place on the board with drawings of the gods on it. “Half of the pantheon is either in a successful relationship, or is unavailable for whatever reason. We’re SO close to a perfect diagram- everybody accounted for in some form or fashion!” Her eyes glittered, and her long black hair waved in a conveniently-timed gust of wind.

Zarnath yawned, totally unappreciative of the drama she was trying so hard to cultivate. “Lockdown’s really getting to you, you never seemed to care about what the other gods got up to before. I don’t even think you got this fired up when you were on your ‘pair all the unholy beings with mortals’ kick…”

Out of all people, YOU were the most encouraging of it when I was doing that, mister ‘please help me ask out this hot witch that’s older than me somehow!’ The love goddess gesticulated like she was on a stage, to her captive audience of one. "They’re the only people I can directly influence on a regular basis right now! I am the goddess of LOVE. It is my JOB to check if all the pegs fit into all possible holes, that way-"

Zarnath was trying desperately not to laugh. "Pegs into holes, you say."

Amoria slapped her prodigious tail against the ground, making all the furniture in the room shake- as if the items were fearing they’d be next out the window. "STOP LAUGHING! THIS IS SERIOUS!!" After taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, she resumed pointing at the diagram. “Anyway, Mortimus is out, he’s got a lovely ghost wife back in the Underworld that I would never dream of breaking him up with.”

“They are pretty cute.” Zarnath said, shrugging. “Never thought Mr. Dry Bones over here would ever open up to anybody.”

“Literally the perfect happy ending, right?!” Amoria gushed. “Now, our bosses, Drakoth and Evelice, meanwhile, are so inseparable- there’s no chance they’d find anybody better for them, they’re the perfect enemies-to-lovers romance!”

Zarnath reached a tentacle over to the bowl of grapes and popped tossed one into the hood where his face would be if he was a normal person. “Didn’t Drakoth also threaten you for spreading ‘undue rumors’?”

Oh, gods, not the lectures… it went on for hours… and Evelice could tell when I was lying about learning my lesson, so he kept repeating them! Amoria shook her head, sending her long hair waving all over. “YES, but that’s not important. Now, you’ve got a lovely witch who practically worships you, so you’re off the board… I, of course, am also exempt, because that would be unfair… and, oh, Pyx will never be on this board because she’s asleep all the time, and that’d be weird.”

Zarnath chuckled. “You said ‘over half’- but that’s only six. Where’s the seventh and eighth?”

Amoria giggled like a schoolgirl who’d just heard her teachers making out in the closet. “Oh, just you wait. My latest project is coming to fruition!” She pointed to two drawings with a big red circle and indecipherable writing about predator/prey dynamics surrounding them. “These two. The nature goddess and hunt goddess… they were already spreading so much time together, all it took was a little push from me, and now they’re well on their way to being inseparable!”

The chaos god grabbed more grapes with several of his tentacles, having finished half the bunch already. Amoria didn’t know why he liked grapes so much- maybe it was because they were purple? “Heh, I have been hearin’ some fun noises from their rooms recently. Lots of growling, howling, panting, the whole nine yards. And they did move them right next to each other. Steli’s gonna need a soundproofing job soon. And I assume I’m still bound to secrecy-”

"IF ANYONE ASKS, NO ONE CAN PROVE THAT I TOLD HER TO PET THE WOLF GODDESS!! FOR ALL YOU KNOW SHE GOT THAT IDEA HERSELF, LOOK AT HOW FLUFFY SHE IS!!” Amoria cleared her throat, and willed herself to regain her composure. “I can neither confirm or deny that they’re in a relationship. Officially. Only speculate.” As the goddess of love, I’m supposed to be impartial and subtle in public- no matter how difficult it is!  

Amoria quickly changed the subject by waving at the other side of the board- with the remaining six deities on it.

"Anyway. The easiest one to dismiss.” She pointed to a picture of Neptalia, the sea goddess. “That old lady has more of a chance to be a sea monster's mate than to EVER end up with anybody on this board!”

“Wouldn’t put it past her in the least.” Zarnath muttered. “Have you seen her? Her previous husband was just as freaky as me. Lady’s got some good taste.”

The love goddess nodded. “Yes, and right now she’s all alone. Problem is, finding somebody who’s eldritch yet fitting her sensibilities is quite difficult. And she seems to be more satisfied with her hobbies than anything else.” Amoria frowned. “Poor old lady. Grief from lost loves can be such a painful thing. Anyway, there’s these two also.”

Pointing to Huric and Kriella, she clenched her fists. “These two. They spend SO much time around each other these days, but they couldn’t be further emotionally! It’s AWFUL!”

“Aren’t they polar opposites?” Zarnath snarked. “She’s a workaholic, he’s a lazybones. Seems like a match made in hell to me.”

“That’s what you think!” Amoria snapped. “They may have different priorities, but they share one big thing- total dedication to their objectives. If they could find any common ground, there’d be enough sparks flying around to start an inferno! Maybe if Kriella managed to win one of those games they play, that could be the beginning of something.”

“Or she’d just lord it over him forever.” Zarnath muttered.

“That’s a problem for later.” Amoria waved her hand dismissively. “Lastly, I’ve got some a real problematic trio over here.” Amoria gestured to three pictures- Volkhar, Leonis, and Steli. “Volkhar’s a big meathead, Leonis is a pretentious airhead. They’re both massive blowhards who are so far up their own butts, I’m shocked they don’t get sick of the smell! Steli has more patience than all of us combined to put up with them!”

“Are you sure you’re not the outlier dragging down the patience average, lovebird?” Zarnath chuckled.

Ignoring Zarnath’s snarky comment, Amoria sighed. "Hm... even if Steli would WANT both of them, there's no way Volkhar or Leonis would agree to share ANYBODY. Darn it!" Amoria sighed. “Perhaps I must resign myself to hoping they go for ‘friends with benefits’. Volkhar might do that, but the real problem is that stupid cat god. Talk about narcissism! None, and I mean NONE of the flings he’s had over the years were anything more than shallow piles of NOTHING!”

The chaos god couldn’t help chuckling at how wound up his best friend was getting.“Are you really this bored?”

Amoria stomped her foot and slammed her girthy tail into the ground again, making the entire room shake as her hair got a little more out of sorts. “YES! I HAVE BEEN STUCK UP HERE FOR A HUNDRED YEARS!! I CAN’T GO OUT AND MATCHMAKE PEOPLE AS MUCH AS I USED TO! THIS IS PAIN THAT YOU CAN ONLY BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND!”

“I- I give up…” 

Virial was already out of breath. She’d been trying to catch up to her quarry for the past hour, to no success. 

“Oh, that’s disappointing. I was just starting to really get a workout.” The nature goddess, Alviae sighed. “Well, I suppose I can give you a break, you’ve been pushing yourself to the limit all day.” She extended her hand to help Virial to her feet, and the wolf goddess took it ruefully. 

Damnit! How is she so good at that? No matter what, it’s so difficult to outpace her… argh!

Since the barrier went up, they’d developed a new and exciting pastime to alleviate their boredom- and in Virial’s case, lack of practice hunting. Virial would try to catch or ambush her, and she’d try to get away.

Unfortunately, most of the time it was quite a losing battle- the ‘prey’ tended to win more often than not. Outrunning her, or hiding in plain sight long enough to bowl her over- granted, the latter wasn’t particularly difficult given Alviae’s sheer girth, in either her true form or regular one.

“Come along, let us rest for a moment. We wouldn’t want you to falter before you get over the hump of this exercise.” Alviae crooned, her serene face never losing its mysterious allure. 

Virial followed behind, staring at her rival-turned-something-more. “Yes… rest would be good.” She could feel her heart skip a beat at the prospect- whenever Alviae called for a break in their games, scratches and other such lovely things soon followed.

At first she hated such gestures, but now she couldn’t imagine living without them for long. Virial wondered if this is what domesticated dogs went through.

The duo were in Virial’s room today, for a change of pace. Her abode was covered in drifts of snow, rocky hills, little caves to hide in. Similar to Alviae’s, there were no walls- instead, the boundaries wrapped around each other so it felt like it was a limitless space. When she was in here, bounding across the drifts of snow, Virial felt the most free she could in the cage of Deus Mons.

Warm… how is she not freezing? This place is cold by design. Virial wondered. She knew that she could feel like an oven when she wanted to- all the hugs she’d been given over the years told her that much.

Even though this time they were chasing each other in Virial’s home turf, she still managed to lose- a great embarrassment indeed. And yet, all it did was motivate her to try harder next time, for the taste of triumph after much hardship and failures was sweet indeed. Since she was the goddess of the hunt, this had been quite embarrassing for her. She’d been getting better recently, though- but she was still long behind the wealth of experience that Alviae had… as well as a lot of other things she trailed behind in.

Alviae sat down on a nearby rock. “Come on, little pup. Rest here.” She patted the side of the rock, gesturing for Virial to sit beside her.

Virial practically fell onto her lap, totally out of energy from the exhausting chase earlier. Immediately, Alviae began running her hands through Virial’s soft fur- sinking her fingers inside and scratching as deeply as she could. It felt SO good- just what she needed to take off the sting of losing again. She smells… so nice…

"I-I am not a mere dog, do not call me that…” Virial gasped, trying to maintain some shred of dignity even as her head was sinking into the comfortable pillow of Alviae’s lap.

But of course, Alviae saw right through her token attempts at a tough front."Then why does your tail wag when I do?" She giggled, before giving her a deep scratch between her ears, making Virial shiver more fiercely than she ever had from the cold.

“Your skill and endurance never cease to amaze me.” Virial panted. “Even in your normal form, you’re so heavy… and yet you can outpace me so easily.” She was too tired to care how weak she looked right now- not that anyone could see inside her private chamber. Alviae’s long fingernails ran down her back, making her let out a soft growl out of reflex.

“If you think about it in terms of simple math, it makes perfect sense.” Alviae giggled. To some, being called ‘heavy’ would be an insult, but Alviae was proud of her rotundness- it represented the bounty of nature.

“Carnivores have less energy to work with- they may be powerful, but they run dry quickly in terms of stamina. Plus, you’ve got that heavy fur coat on, that’s probably not much fun to run around in all day, is it?”

Not that that mattered. Virial knew Alviae’s true form possessed an even thicker blanket of fur, and yet STILL managed to pull ahead of her.

“So you’re saying that you’ll always have an advantage, then. What with those long legs, and everything else…” Virial muttered. She shut her eyes, taking in the softness of the nature goddess’ thighs. Gods, they’re so soft…

Alviae chuckled. “Not necessarily. You just need some better tactics. Proper ambushes, surprise attacks. Or, well, you could simply get faster. You’ve been winning more and more lately-”

“The first few times you let me win.” Virial interrupted.

“Merely because I thought you were improving, and thought you deserved a reward for your efforts.” Alviae chuckled, reaching down to give Virial a little scratch on her rear. “Anyway, you must be really hot from all that running- even in this chilly place, I can tell you’re running yourself ragged.”

Virial was too tired to protest with the proper fervor. “How do you… know?” Oh, for- is it that obvious?

Alviae gave her another gentle scratch between the ears- just where she liked it, forcing a little huff out of her. “If a normal wolf was panting like you were, they would be on the verge of passing out, dear. Unless you’re just excited to be near me, which would be quite flattering indeed.”

“Hmph.” Virial growled. “I am not governed by the base instincts of an animal.” Not entirely, at least.

After several minutes of this, Alviae got up. “Well, that’s enough of a break, isn’t it?”

“I’m still.. too hot…” Virial grumbled. She didn’t want to get back to the grind so quickly. Just a little longer. That’s all I could hope for.

Alviae turned around, swishing her long, fluffy tail in a ‘come hither’ sort of motion. “Well, I could always help you, ahem, relieve that heat.”

Virial growled. “I’m still sore from the last time… unless you’re volunteering to let me take the lead for once.”

The nature goddess let out a loud belly laugh. “You’ll have to catch me first!” She took off in a run- seemingly slowing down just enough to give the wolf goddess a fighting chance.

Virial growled. She hadn’t nearly recovered enough energy to catch up to her easily- but she’d be damned if she was going to let this woman triumph over her AGAIN without her best efforts.

At least Alviae could help soften the blow of losing. In many ways.

Oh no, not again…

Kriella sighed. In order to pass the time, she’d started playing games against Huric- god of the sky, and apparently board games, now. His favorite was the venerable game of Kings & Konquests- Huric constantly took credit with the fact that one of his flings had helped create said game, and it was extremely grating.

Considering her age and wealth of strategic knowledge, she’d expected to trounce him handily, only for him to easily outwit her, again and again.

How?! How does he KEEP DOING THAT?! I know he’s had centuries to study it, but- he keeps bamboozling me, like a moth deceives a larger predator!

Huric’s room was as much of a mess as his work ethic- feathers everywhere that he was too lazy to clean up, togas scattered on the floor. The thought of the wrinkles all his clothes had drove her insane- but SHE would not stoop to cleaning up his mess. She’d just continue her usual routine of making passive-aggressive comments until he got up off his feathery tail to do it himself.

There were several scrying stones put up on the wall, giving views of various skylines all around the world- as well as sending stones to tell his little minions what to do if one of them went awry. Somehow, Huric’s domain was the most orderly out of all the gods who were trapped in here- since he’d set it up so he had to do as little work as possible himself. Normally she’d call him a lazy turkey- and she still did- but at least he could still do his job. Unlike her, who depended on in-person ordering of minions.

“It’s your move, you know. Just in case you forgot.” Huric snarked.

“I KNOW. I’m just thinking about my next move.” Kriella hissed. No matter how many angles she looked at the board from, no matter how many of her compound eyes scanned the playing field, there was nothing she could do to possibly get out of the situation he’d put her in.

And of course, his poker face was incredible. It was quite a feat indeed to be more expressionless than a lady who didn’t have proper facial features, but he managed it- those lazy-looking yet piercing eyes, and that beak that could betray no hint of a smile or a frown. They saw right through her attempts at salvaging her dignity, digging up her inferiority at this abominable pursuit for all to see.

Argh. He’s got pieces surrounding my army everywhere! I can’t move anywhere on the board, lest he take one of my pieces- and he’s already obtained half of them!

Kriella wracked her brain for a solution. There had to be one- there was always one, because half the time when he won, he gleefully pointed out how she COULD have beaten him. And he’s so dratted polite about it, too! That’s the worst part!

And then, she saw it. An opening- one part of the crisscrossing web of possible moves that he seemed to have missed. A safe space that she could move her queen to- that didn’t seem to have a counter from his side. Did he do that on purpose? Gah, I cannot tell! But… it’s the only move that won’t end up losing me the game instantly. Perhaps this may be the thread that I can pull to unravel his entire strategy!

“Ahem. You could always resign, you know.” Huric clucked. “Just to save yourself a bit of embarrassment.”

Her antennae twitched in anger. As if, you feathered fool! Kriella moved her queen forward, her mandibles clicking excitedly. There we go. Finally, I can claw a win out of-

Huric moved an innocuous pawn. “And, that’s mate.”

It took a few seconds for Kriella’s thoughts to catch up with her. What? No! How did- how did he do that? “When- when did that piece get there?”

“Several turns ago. Perhaps you weren’t paying enough attention, hm?” Huric shrugged mockingly. “It’s your turn. Unless you’d like to resign… like I offered a turn ago?”

“Hmph.” Kriella pushed down the urge to toss the board off the table. She was not Amoria- she was above such useless impulses. Besides, this was not her room- it would be most rude to destroy someone else’s property. If he ever played a game in HER room, it would be quite a struggle not to hurl one of her items of furniture.

Of course she would never actually do it- it was a lot of work to construct those, something she took pride in. But she’d think about it. A lot.

“This is the third game you’ve lost in a row.” Huric preened a few of his feathers, in his usual smug fashion. “Perhaps you need a tutor of some sort?”

“How did- you can’t move a pawn that way. I refuse to believe it.” Kriella buzzed, her wings vibrating angrily.

“Ah ha ha, that’s where you’re wrong.” Huric chuckled. “According to the rules of the game, pawns can be moved in any direction if there’s only one left.”

“That’s not a real rule!” Kriella clenched her four fists in anger. “I demand that you prove it.”

“Very well.” Huric produced a book- the terrible tome which she’d become very familiar with over their contests of wits. The cover read Kings & Konquests- All the Know-How You Need to Be Better than Everyone Else.

Kriella was not impressed in the least. “You wrote that book. It is most definitely biased!”

“While I indeed compiled and edited the text, all the techniques within came from various players of this illustrious game. All I did was put it all in one place. And give it a fitting title.” Huric turned up his beak in a most self-assured manner. "Don't like it? We can get Evelice in here to tell if I'm lying."

No. I commanded armies of loyal drones! A simple game of strategy like this should be easy to understand- so why does he keep snatching victory away at the last second?

Try as she might, all Kriella got for attempting to solve this conundrum was a headache.

“Fine. You win. Again.” Kriella got up, dragging her large, fluffy abdomen towards the door.

“Are you finally going to give me any of that honey this time?” Huric said. “That way you wouldn’t be so behind on what you owe me for all the other games you’ve lost.”

“Maybe if you lose, I’ll give you some as a reward. How about that?” Kriella shot back as she stormed out. She knew Huric wouldn’t accept losing- no matter how tasty the prize would be.

At least this way, she wouldn’t have to give up any of her precious honey to anyone else.

Neptalia was lazing around as per usual. Even though she tried to keep busy, being stuck in this overly-fancy hall drove her batty.

Her room was significantly more homely. The walls were covered in all sorts of deep-sea paraphernalia- barnacles, shells, coral- which, thanks to the fact that half the room was covered in a suspended body of water, were capable of breathing just fine.

On the other side of the room, there were several tanks, containing her latest batch of terrors she’d made, ready to be deposited into the deepest trenches of the ocean.

She’d fed the baby sea monsters she was raising in her various tanks- which, of course, were bigger on the inside, she didn’t want her babies to feel cooped up. Mortals on the open sea didn’t seem to be doing anything interesting today, either.

Hm. Well, I haven’t called Levy yet today. That’s always nice to hear how he’s doing.

Checking in on her boyfriend was the most enjoyable part of her daily  routine. She knew he was the type to get lonely easily- his big old heart would be liable to break if he didn’t hear from her for too long.

Moving over to her bedside table and humming idly to herself, she grabbed what she was looking for- a conch, covered in sucker marks. She picked it up and tapped it. “Oh, Levy… good morning!” She sang, in as soft of a tone as she could manage.

Instantly, she heard a deafening noise- indecipherable yet happy-sounding groaning and gurgling. Such a noise would scare the pants off most mortals, but she could understand him perfectly. The perks of being a deep sea goddess- the language of the more intelligent denizens of the depths was as clear as day to her.

Neptalia chuckled. “Yes, yes, I know you missed me, you say that every time.” She giggled. I don’t mind, though, really, hee hee! "How are you, Levy? Eat anything interesting today?" He answered with one of his usual grunts, then a wet belch.

"Oh, that sounds DELICIOUS, I wish I could get anything like that up here. It’s just ambrosia and nectar, all the time… EGH. There’s NO good seafood up here, let me tell you!"

Levy was a Demon- one of the most powerful still on earth, in fact. Demons represented fears and negative emotions of mortals, and he embodied the fear of giant… things in the water. Of course, there were plenty of terrors in the depths- after all, she’d created many of them- but Levy was a big old sweetheart. To her, at least. Most of the other gods probably wouldn’t understand his appeal. Gigantic cephalopods weren’t everybody’s cup of tea, but they were certainly hers.

She’d learned from Zarnath and Amoria that not all unholy creatures were bad, and taken a chance on approaching this cute-looking deepsea monster. One thing had led to another, and they were practically inseparable- well, until that blasted barrier ruined their fun.

Neptalia could take it- after all, her previous husband had been dead for centuries before she’d found her new paramour- but Levy didn’t like being alone. And she couldn’t blame him- after all, she knew how lonely being a massive horror from the depths could be. Also, having a constant worshipper who was immortal was a lovely boon indeed. Kept a spring in her step all the time, from his constant adoration.

Levy let out another grunt, this one more annoyed.

Oh, dear. Did he pick a fight with another monster who came too close? She sighed. "Levy, how many times do I have to tell you- the temple you're in is totally safe. you don't have to worry about defending your territory, all right?"

An annoyed screech came through the conch, and Neptalia grinned.

“I know. And it’s very sweet of you to do that, but don’t stress about it so much. There’s so many wards on that temple, nobody’s getting in unless I let them! And besides, if somebody DID get inside, I know you’d be more than man enough to take care of them, wouldn’t you?”

He responded with a softer grunt, and Neptalia continued, in a softer tone. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings, after all.

"Listen, when I finally get off this mountain, you can take a rest from being so vigilant. You've done SUCH a good job keeping what's there safe."

Levy paused, before responding with a sad little whine. I know he must be tired of hearing that… I know I’m tired of saying it, at least!

But he was right. It had been 99 years, and she hadn’t found a way off yet. But she’d be damned if that was going to stop her from trying!

“Oh, my poor little sea monster.” Neptalia crooned. Don’t worry. I’m sure we’ll get out this year. Until then, you can call me every day… I know how much you like hearing the sound of my voice.”
A happier grunt came out through the conch.

Oh, that’s the other thing I needed to ask about! “Oh, that reminds me. How’s the new idol I sent you?”

A pause, and then a soft, guilty-sounding gurgle.

“Oh, Levy, please, don’t feel so bad about this. You’re doing so much better about that. This one lasted a lot longer- six months! I know restraint doesn’t come naturally to somebody as strong as you. I’ll send another one as soon as I’m able.”

Neptalia wasn’t particularly surprised at his struggle- Levy was a strong specimen, indeed. When the barrier first went up, he was so lonely that his hugs broke them apart in a few days, tops. She couldn’t stay mad at him for that, though. Not when he was so guilty about it. Of course no idol could possibly compare to the real thing. And the way he was so desperate for cuddles… it excited her. Once that barrier went down, she planned on repaying every bit of that pent up affection.

Levy let out another plaintive grunt. Oh, you, always asking for the same thing every time. As if I could refuse as lovely of a gentlemonster as you!

“Levy, you don’t have to feel so guilty about asking for that. It’s not like I have anything else to do up here, anyway- and no one ELSE wants to hear me sing!” Neptalia began to sing him a lullaby, and her heart soared.

It didn’t matter how gravelly her voice was- to him it was like the song of the most beautiful siren. It made her feel young again! Well, younger- she was the oldest of all the gods, after all. She still outclassed Levy by several centuries, though- not that that mattered too much when discussing unholy beings. And anyway, as far as she was concerned, she’d aged like a fine wine, even with the slight vinegary touches- not that Levy seemed to care.

Once she heard the familiar rumble of his snores, she set down the magic conch. Soothing his tortured, lonely soul with her song was the least she could do to make the wait for their reunion a bit more bearable.

She had to get out of here eventually. She was getting quite lonely up here… she longed for the sweet embrace of a titanic deepsea creature, dragging her down into the depths and not letting her up for days… She shivered at the thought.

“I wonder if that thing I asked Steli to make is done yet. That surprise needs to be ready sooner rather than later.”

“Hell’s bells, how does she come up with this stuff?”

Steli was busy as usual, trying to make progress on one of her many commissions. This one was a private one for Neptalia- a bizarre metal tentacle, with joints all over it. What little the sea goddess had said about it implied that it was for reaching things on tall shelves. Damn, this thing is bloody massive. I know she’s a goddess, and they’re weird, but… what is she even going to do with this?

Steli shrugged. It wasn’t her job to question what her colleagues wanted, as long as they paid up. Most of them were pretty good about that- except for a couple.

Smoke filled the room as she slammed her hammer against the bizarre object. Her room was filled with metal furnishings, the finest she could make. Ornately decorated and extremely tough, she’d put hours into every single one, making them as shiny and perfect as possible.

In the corner there was a large forge, accompanied by an anvil and all the accessories she could need. Her room was soundproofed a long time ago- otherwise the constant banging from her work would give the rest of the gods insomnia.

There were several boxes stacked all along the corner of the room- her only remaining source of precious crafting materials. Worshippers of her would place the best yields of their mining inside identical containers, and it would go to her. The hardest hunks of metal, the shiniest gems… or anything they thought would be useful that they couldn’t get anything out of.

No matter what, dwarves would never give up their worship of her- even if they had to carry it out in secret to evade the Empire’s gaze. They were tenacious and stubborn like that- just like her.

Steli gave the mysterious object another smack with her hammer- she needed to get its bizarre, spiralling curvature just right. Damn, Neptalia, where do you come up with stuff like this? No, never mind, I don’t want to think about where it goes.

Even though she was trapped in here with the rest of the gods, she found ways to keep busy. After all, the rest of them were just as bored as she was- and needed ways to entertain themselves. Some were more strange than others- but as long as they paid up, it didn’t really matter what they asked for.

After all, she was the best forgemaster in Deus Mons! And the only one, at the moment. But still the best- not like to see any of the other gods beat her.

“Oh, Steli…” A slightly flamboyant, deep voice distractingly wormed its way into her ears as the door to her room cracked open. She could hear it even over the noise of blacksmithing, much to her annoyance.

Steli sighed. She knew exactly who this was- he’d come in several times this week already, always asking about the same thing- his latest vanity project, emphasis on the ‘vanity’.

“Leonis, if you ask about your commission AGAIN, I am going to rip off your tail and mount it on my mantelpiece!”

Leonis shrugged. “Oh, please, I could always grow it back.” Steli shot him a withering look, making him glance around nervously. “But I’d rather you didn’t do that, it’d still be painful.”

“What’re you here for, Leonis?” Steli grunted. He’d better not be asking me to try and make him a servant- or worse- a wife- again. If his ears aren’t still smarting from the earful I gave him after that, he’s completely hopeless.

Leonis produced a scroll with a surprisingly well-drawn plan on it, resembling some sort of pyramid’s capstone. “Well, I have this DELIGHTFUL idea for an art piece… it would look just perfect on top of Pyrarin’s palace.”

“Where would you even PUT that?” Steli groaned. “The pyramid devoted to you is OUTSIDE this barrier. Even IF I made it, you’d have no way of carrying such a heavy object across the world just to make your temple look prettier. And I’d say it’s ostentatious enough as it is!” She would know- she’d made plenty of gaudy baubles that’d been attached to it over the years.

“That’s not important.” Leonis said nonchalantly, as he totally ignored the problem, being more focused on licking down a bit of stuck-up fur. “There’s a festival coming up there, and I REALLY need this ready by then! It’s imperative!”

Steli growled. “I finish my commissions on a first-come, first-serve basis. There are at least three more people ahead of you. Come back later.”

Leonis flicked his tail in a very annoyed fashion, idly grooming one of his paws. “Do you REALLY need to replace Amoria’s table again? This is a once-in-a-lifetime event! The Millennium Festival! Where will we be in another thousand years?”

“At least she provides adequate compensation and resources! Unlike YOU, who expects discounts for doing nothing!” Steli neglected to mention what she was really working on- commissioner’s confidentiality was a sacred right. And Leonis would just make a bigger fuss if he knew.

But the cat god wouldn’t be deterred this easily- she knew that much. “Whose commission is it? They’re probably equally frivolous.”

“I can’t say.” Steli muttered. Why don’t you LEAVE, you overgrown feline?! I’m trying to WORK, and you’re getting in the way! “Anyway, you’re free to try and find somebody else to make it, though your options may be rather limited at the moment.”

Leonis hissed in his usual petulant manner. “Hmph. You’re lucky you’re so charming. And skilled at your craft.”

“Thank you.” Steli waved her hand dismissively. “If you DO gain the resources to pay me for this, I might be able to get to yours faster.”

Repeated, loud thuds began to overshadow even the noise of the forge. Yet another distraction was incoming, she knew. She’d recognize those hoofbeats anywhere. At least this one was a bit less rude.

“HEY, STELI, I GOT SOME BEER SMUGGLED IN THROUGH THE BARRIER!!” Volkhar kicked the door open, with his usual lack of tact, before slamming a massive keg on the floor. The writing on the side read ‘ORKLAND FINEST, YEAR 999’.

Leonis let out a long sigh, barely attempting to hide how his fur was bristling in rage. “Oh. It’s you.”

“You’re always so skinny, cat. Maybe you should beef up a little bit!” Volkhar flexed his biceps, showing off his many battle and burn scars. “Then you’ll really get all the ladies!”

“I have a perfectly fine love life, thank you!” Leonis hissed. “And I prefer my dates to be CULTURED, not shallowly swooning over overbulked muscle.”

Steli could merely roll her eyes. Yeah, sure, cultured. As if you don’t just pull up and start meowing at the most pretentious, vain wenches ever. They may be smart, but they’ve got egos bigger than my head!

“Anyway, babe, I don’t have the raw materials for the thing I asked for- so I got you this instead. I hope it’s enough to cover the labor costs!” Volkhar laughed.

“Well, alcohol is always an acceptable substitute for us dwarves!” Steli chuckled, poured a mug of the ale, then took a swig. He wasn’t lying- it was good ale indeed. Had a spicy kick- orcs spiked their drinks with pepper extract. Orcs were one of the best at making it that weren’t dwarves- second best, even. “Oh, this is the good stuff. Just for that, I’ll make sure to get to yours next.”

Leonis’ jaw dropped. “WHAT?! Why does HE get an advance?!”

Steli shrugged. “Because, unlike you, he’s providing an additional good for my services.”

Leonis stormed out, his hair bristling in anger. “I’ll show you a ‘good’ for his services… hmph!”

Steli rolled her eyes. She knew he’d be back. After all, he couldn’t live without whatever new piece of gaudy jewelry he’d cooked up in his head this week. “Thank you, Volkhar. You can expect your new dumbbell within a week. Please try not to break it this time, at least.”

“No promises, babe- you know how it is, with the endless pursuit of gains. What do I REALLY gain, if I don’t keep it up? Nothing.” Volkhar nodded sagely, as if he’d been moonlighting in philosophy. “Anyway, I got, like, a thousand more reps I gotta get through today. Let me know if you need a workout yourself!”

“I will, thank you.” Steli chuckled. Volkhar ran out of the room, actually remembering to duck under the low doorframe for a change. At least HE knows how to actually treat a lady, as terrible as he is at subtlety. Anyway, now I can finally finish this bizarre thing Neptalia wanted. All these joints so it can wiggle… all this, just for reaching the top of a shelf? Surely there are better methods.

Mortimus was annoyed.

Lovely. Ever since I got trapped up here, the workload just keeps getting bigger.

He was SO behind on judging the souls of the dead… ever since that blasted barrier got put up, he’d fallen behind and never caught back up. I don’t even want to THINK about how awful the line is down there now.

Of course he had systems in place to ensure order was still in place- the Grim Reapers collecting souls, the massive array of wards and traps in place to make sure that no wayward spirits escaped- but without him there, he couldn’t be PERFECTLY confident in its stability, and that drove him mad.

Mortimus’ room was as drab as you could get- gray walls, grey carpet, everything was as monochrome as could be. It reflected his temperament as a whole- dry and humorless for the most part. The one thing that added a splash of color to the proceedings was a large portrait that hung on the opposite side from his bed- that of his wife, and their giant three-headed dog the size of an elephant. Getting those dogs to stand still long enough for that was quite a mess. Even worse than bathing them. It required a bone big enough for all three of the heads- their favorite. Mortimus always had to pull some favors with Neptalia to get some disused sea monster bones for them.

I need to relax, otherwise I might drop even further than dead, somehow. Mortimus sat down at his desk, staring at the scrying stone on it.

Getting to see his family was the only coping mechanism he had left. If he couldn’t see his wife and dog in person, he could at least do this.

The death god tapped the scrying stone on his desk, and instantly, his lovely wife Mildred appeared on it- as serene and beautiful as ever. She resembled any other passed-on soul- translucent, faintly glowing- but she looked different than the rest. Half of her body was faded so that a similarly incorporeal skeleton was visible under her skin. This did not detract at all, in his eyes- if anything, her soul was the most beautiful part of her. Her personality was the reason he’d fallen for her in the first place. And her warm smile, of course.

Mildred beamed. “Hello, Morty!” She was the only one who was allowed to call him that, and only in private. If word got out that the god of the Underworld was referred to by such an unfitting name, nobody would take him seriously ever again.

“Hello, Milly. Your unearthly glow is quite beautiful today.” Mortimus’ normally humorless voice sounded better- after all, he was always happy to see her.

Milly giggled. “Oh, you charmer, you. You know, you’re looking a little pale. Are you getting enough sleep?”

Mortimus sighed. It was one of her usual jokes- he was a skeleton, he did not have skin. “How is my domain doing?” Mortimus hated asking that. He knew the answer was either that nothing had changed, or something had changed for the worse. But his mind wouldn’t rest until he KNEW what the potential problem was- it was one of his biggest weaknesses.

“Well, there haven’t been any escaped souls in the last month, so that’s good. The dogs are doing their job perfectly! The Grim Reapers are keeping up surprisingly well with the workload, as well.”

“Good.” Mortimus said. His heart really wasn’t in it, though. Being the god of death was a thankless task- and since his sole bright spot in that job was currently far away, he couldn’t help but feel a profound melancholy.

“Morty, what’s wrong?” Millie said. No matter what, he couldn’t hide his stress from her.

“Just a little exhausted, that’s all.” Mortimus muttered. “Having a bit of trouble sleeping…” Because I am sorely missing the few people that see me as more than my job.

Mildred, as always, was quick to encourage. “Sweetie, you don’t need to worry. It’s not YOUR fault you can’t work… Perhaps you should take this as a sign? You should take a break. Have fun occasionally.”

“I am a god, I’m the one who MAKES signs.” Mortimus sighed. And besides… without you I don’t HAVE fun, really. Most of the other gods drive me up the wall at the best of times.

“Do you talk to the other gods, really? If not, you should. Some are rather nice- Neptalia, Zarnath- I’m sure Evelice would understand your problems better than most.”

No thank you, I am not ready to be interrogated by someone who can detect lies. “I’ll think about it.”

Millie frowned, but let the issue go for the moment. Before she could continue, her words were cut off by a loud bark. His cerberus had heard his voice, and had bounded over to the scrying pool to see their ‘father’, shaking everything around. Loud barks rattled the room, and Mortimus felt a little bit better. “Down, boys, you’re blocking the scrying stone!” Mildred giggled. At her words, they immediately clammed up, but looked no less excited.

Mortimus chuckled. “Oh, please, it’s fine. How are my boys doing while I’m gone?” He said that every time- not knowing when he’d be able to come back and see them in person properly- but adhering to the routine was one of the few things that kept him sane in this mess.

The three-headed dog responded with a chorus of barks so intense he couldn’t pick them apart- the usual greeting, but if Mortimus had a heart, it would feel a little warmer. “Now, now, one at a time, please.”

The Guardian of the Underworld, a cerberus he’d picked up as a puppy and trained into the perfect guardian. The body’s thick fur was a shade of deep brown that resembled soil, that gradually transitioned into the three heads atop its enormous frame. From left to right, their names were Hunter, Howler, and Hyde.

Hunter was light brown with big pointy ears. He had a white triangular mark on his nose, and a totally white chin- and he looked the happiest, always eager to please. He was always alert, ready to sniff out any escapees and sound the alarm.

Howler’s fur was light beige. His skin was quite wrinkly and droopy, like clothes that’d been left sitting around too long. He looked bored all the time, but Mortimus knew he was the most reliable out of all of them, and usually the one that could stare down anyone who thought they might try their luck getting past him.

Hyde’s head was black with brown patches, and a short jaw that concealed the mightiest fangs of the trio. His face looked the meanest, but Mortimus knew he had a soft side buried deep within. He was the most intimidating of the three, perfect for scaring wayward souls back inside with a bone-shaking growl.

Of course Mortimus could understand them- he was the patron of dogs, after all. He had a soft spot for them. One of the few bastions of goodness in the drudgery of his position.

Hunter was the first to ‘speak’ up, with an annoyed whine. “Hyde, stop eating Hunter’s food. You all have three separate bowls for a reason.” Mortimus sighed. Howler barked next- complaining about being bored since Mortimus didn’t come to see him anymore, and missing his scratches. “Don’t worry… I promise that once this barrier goes down, I’ll give you enough pets for an entire year.” All Hyde reported, meanwhile, was how many escaped souls he’d eaten in the last week.

Training dogs could be difficult at the best of times- but when there were three distinct personalities in one body, it could be an even bigger handful. Or pawful, in this case. Especially when the dog in question was the size of an elephant. It had taken a long time to get him to stop nibbling at his body, which was made entirely of bones.

“All right, boys, you should get back to work now. We wouldn’t want any ghosts trying to stage a rebellion, would we?” Mortimus said warmly. After more excited barks, the colossal canine bounded back to his post.

“You know, the dogs have been really lonely lately.” Milly said. “Especially since I’m in the office all the time now, and you haven’t been here in a while either.”

‘A while’ is an understatement. That barrier has been up for 99 years.

“You know what we need? Another pet!” Mildred giggled. “After all, the river needs guarding as well, on the off chance some escaped soul tries to swim across.”

He’d heard this proposal many times- and she’d finally managed to convince him. As long as she was up for the task of training it if he wasn’t back yet, his resistance to the subject had eroded over the long years of imprisonment. "Tell you what. If you find or obtain one that the dogs won't pick a fight with or eat, then you can keep it."

“Really?!” Mildred gasped. “Every other time I’ve asked, you’ve said no!”

“It’s the least I can do if I can’t be there- and since you’ve managed to keep the dogs under control without me, I think I can trust you to manage something else of that caliber.”

“Aaaaaaa! Thank you, Morty! I promise, I’ll do ALL my research!” Mildred giggled. “Ooh, I’ll have to ask if Neptalia has anything lying around. All right, I should get back to work. I love you!”

“I love you too, Milly.” Mortimus said.

As soon as the scrying stone went dark, that familiar emptiness returned. He wondered if she’d actually get a sea monster as a companion for the cerberus. Some part of him knew that she might actually do it- she was tenacious and lucky like that.

He thought on what she’d suggested. Try to make better friends? I suppose it can’t hurt. It’s not like he had anything better to do at the moment. The souls in line could wait a little longer- he didn’t want to make any incorrect judgements due to emotional imbalance.

Drakoth was worried. Few things could get him, the King of Dragons, God of Conquest and Lies, to ever feel a sense of unease- but there were a few. And the biggest was seeing his wife in distress, mental or otherwise.

Evelice, his mate, was leaning against his side, drumming her fingers against his front leg, looking pensive as usual- her one good eye staring off into space. He knew that look- that was the look she sported when she was lost worrying about the pressure of her duties. Ruling over the entire world was quite a tall order for most, after all- that was why she had sought his company, to lighten the workload by splitting it between them.

And yet, ever since the barrier was erected, she felt the need to take on so much more than was necessary.
Drakoth turned his head so she could look directly in his eye, that looked like a warm, comforting flame. “Such a frown does not suit your beauty, my love.”

“And such concern does not suit your tough exterior, either. But it is appreciated.” Evelice said, cracking a small grin. He knew she didn’t like talking about what was going on in her head. How ironic, for the goddess of honesty.

“I suppose I should get up and do something.” Evelice groaned. “Check on other possible savior candidates…”

Drakoth could tell that she didn’t want to- he didn’t need the power to detect lies to know that much. Even one of the rulers of the Pantheon, and the world, was not immune to occasional bouts of laziness and ennui. As if I shall let my mate work herself to the bone in such a manner!

The dragon god moved his tail to block the door- one of their usual playful routines had begun. Evelice had said before that she needed some extra convincing to not overwork herself- and he was more than up to the task, given his natural charisma. “Oh, come now, those mortals can wait. After all, you’re a god. They don’t need you ALL the time, do they?” Drakoth mused, nudging her back towards him with his oversized snout.

“Says the one who’s been scrying on his latest oathbearer every day for the past month.” Evelice snarked.

“He- he’s showing signs of improvement recently!” Drakoth huffed. “And that’s once a week, at most. You, however, are going out every day to enact some scheme. Do you NEED to go check on these things yourself?”

“No…” Evelice sighed, trying not to crack a smile and failing at it. “No, I suppose I don’t.

Drakoth gently wrapped one of his clawed hands around her body, lifting her off the ground and up to his face, with nary a bit of resistance. If she didn’t want him to do that, he would know. "You have been working far harder than usual lately with all your excursions beyond the barrier. I know how much energy it takes to break even a small hole in it. And besides, your one remaining eye lets you spy on the entire world, isn’t that right?”

“Yes, it does. I could just sit here.” Evelice was clearly trying not to laugh at how seriously he was devoted to getting her to take a break. As always, she couldn’t lie to him. Ever since she’d made a bet that she could gather more worshippers with honesty than lies, she’d taken an oath of pure honesty, on the Creator’s name. But, now, it had some unseen benefits- such as aiding greatly in communication between husband and wife.

Drakoth set her down, and wrapped his front legs around her, cuddling her close to his warm chest. “Good. As your mate, it is my job to provide for you-  and right now, I aim to provide you a day off."

“Drakoth, it’s fine. Really. You…” Evelice stopped. Drakoth could see her blushing a bit- being pressed up against his muscular chest tended to have that effect on her.

Drakoth narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Were you about to say ‘I shouldn’t worry about you’, which would be a lie?”

Evelice let out an exhausted sigh. “Well, I suppose the world will still be here tomorrow. Hopefully. And how can I refuse such a charming man’s invitation, anyway?”

“I will not let my precious treasure- my mate- be tarnished by overwork.” Nudging Evelice back to his side, Drakoth laid his massive head onto Evelice’s lap- and he was heavy enough that she’d have to put some serious effort into escaping his embrace. Not that she wanted to- they both knew that.

Evelice rolled her single remaining eye. “Can you blame me for wanting to get out of this dreary place?”

“No- though at least you have the option to leave.” Drakoth spoke from experience- he was the only deity who couldn’t shrink down far enough to make leaving feasible. “Especially when it takes so much effort just to leave. I am merely concerned about you overextending yourself.” He slipped his long red tongue out of his snout and began to lick her face and neck affectionately. Evelice let out a giggle as she ran her hands along his scaled head, scratching in all the right places to make him relax as well. She never complained about the stresses of her job unless he asked- but he’d gotten quite good at reading her.

“That- that tickles, Drakoth, I- ha! I’m trying to be omnipotent, here!” Evelice cracked a rare smile onto her perfect face as he nuzzled her some more. “I can’t concentrate if you keep doing that.” She didn’t even attempt to push him away. After all, it was just them in here- there were no appearances to keep up.
Well, unless that blasted love goddess was trying to spy on them again, but he hoped the hours-long lecture he’d given her had impressed upon her some lessons in privacy.

“Good.” The dragon god purred. “Then you can put all your attention on ME instead.”

“But it couldn’t hurt to be a little productive, could it?” Evelice reached over and scratched behind his finned ear, while the hot breath emanating from his nose frizzed her hair slightly.

“Remember- you swore an oath on both our names that you would take a break every so often. Though, you did not specify when… so it’s up to my discretion.” Drakoth grinned smugly. “And I say, you’re long overdue.”

“Oh no, whatever shall I do? I have so many godly duties to perform… but I suppose my hands are tied.” Evelice chuckled, her tone a warm mixture of sarcastic and affectionate.

“But do you WANT to do them today?” Drakoth asked, pointedly.

Evelice laughed. “No, not particularly.”

Drakoth licked her face again, running his tongue over her metallic halo as well. That made her blush a little bit. “Then rest. If you run yourself ragged all the time, you won’t be ready when the barrier DOES fall.”

Evelice patted his large nose, running her hands along his rough scales. "All right, I won't do any work today... your silver tongue is as persuasive as always."

After a few minutes of gentle snuggling, Evelice spoke up again. “I suppose I’m just wondering… will this ever end?” Evelice sighed. “Every 300 years ago or so, there seems to be some sort of catastrophe. And half the time we can’t do anything about it… have to leave it up to mortals. We’re gods! We should just be able to fix this nonsense.”

Drakoth understood her frustration. At least Evelice could break out of the barrier momentarily to do something- anything- to further some plans. He was far too large to get out under any circumstances- a fact that drove him mad. And previous threats had been too much for gods to take on alone- the titans of terror, the Archdemon and Archdevil- known also as the Shattered King and Buried Queen came to mind.

“Maybe it won’t. But you won’t have to face whatever happens alone. Remember our wedding vows… we swore on the Creator’s name that we’d always be there for the other. And I don’t intend to change that now.”

Drakoth planted a small peck on her cheek- well, as small as he could given the size of his snout. It was more like a peck across her entire face, really.

As Evelice settled into his embrace, Drakoth relaxed a bit. Having her close by was always comforting. Part of it was draconic instinct, but part of him was terrified that she wouldn’t come back. He’d felt that terror once before, and that was enough to never want to feel it again.

For all his power, he could not simply smash down the barrier keeping them locked up, and it bothered him immensely. But lavishing his beloved wife with affection and gifts was the least he could do- if he couldn’t solve all her problems, at least he could remind her that she mattered immensely to HIM. And hopefully, that would be enough to keep bringing smiles to her stern face.

“You’re my precious treasure, my fated mate. It is my duty to provide for you, bring you pleasure, and protect you from all harm. So even if you think you’ve failed at having a purpose in the grand scheme of things- I would not be here if it wasn’t for you. Let me be living proof that all your hard work has meant more than you know.”

Evelice smiled warmly. He meant every word of it, and she could tell. Another perk of her unique ability. “Thank you. Always the orator, aren’t you…” She hugged his head tightly, and he could feel the small trickle of a tear. “I needed to hear that, I think.”

And with that, the weight on Drakoth’s soul lifted a bit. It was the least he could do. Even gods needed reassurance from time to time, and he was happy to extol the virtues of his mate to the person who needed to hear it most- her.

Pyx was bored. Very bored. So bored, in fact, that she might be able to bore a hole right through her wall if she didn’t alleviate this problem.

Being the goddess of dreams, she had near-unlimited access to the sleeping worlds of countless people, free to interfere in as she saw fit. She didn’t feel like getting up, really. Why bother? It wasn’t as if she needed to, most of the time. After all, all she could affect was peoples’ minds- nothing like the great feats of strength all her god brethren were capable of. Just visions. She couldn’t even kill anyone herself!

Perhaps that’s why the barrier that’d entrapped the rest of them had missed her. Probably for the best- her pink cloud was too big to fit inside their stuffy little temple, anyway.

Bleh. Why do all of those surface-dwellers fear me so much, anyway? All I give ‘em is a few nightmares for waking me up. It’s not THAT bad, seriously…

People on the surface- and some of the other gods, honestly- thought she was asleep all the time. That wasn’t true- she was only asleep three quarters of the time. For a few hours each day, she’d get up, browse through whichever dreams were in the immediate area, and mess with them as she saw fit. Either making them better and happier, or turning them into horrible hellscapes to punish the naughty.

Her room was as pink and fluffy as can be- surrounded by the walls of her pink palace, all of her stuff was formed out of cloudy fluff- and yet, it was totally solid. Order and decoration were merely suggestions, as all the furnishings were suspended in the air, floating about as they pleased. As was she, floating about like gravity didn’t even matter to her, bouncing gently off whatever object or wall she came into contact with. The only constant was the giant swirling column of small clouds in the center of the room- dreams that she’d picked up from the nearby area her home had floated over.

In the meantime, Pyx was trying to pass the time by counting sheep- but she kept losing count, which annoyed her immensely. If only she had some sort of servant to count them for her- not that anyone would WANT to work for her. The only things she had up here were her various dream monsters- and most of them were not up for the task of counting that many, usually falling asleep long before her.

"Seven million four thousand nine hundred and twelve, Seven million four thousand nine hundred and thirteen.... darnit, I’ve lost count again!"
If she couldn’t sleep, perhaps she could at least do some work. Make some nice peoples’ bad dreams better, make some rotten folks’ nightmares worse, the usual.

Nyum, nyum… suppose I should get up… do my job, blah blah… at least it’d be better than being bored…

“Man. Is there ANYTHING interesting today… any fun dreamies? C’mon…” Pyx waved her hand, drawing some of the little clouds toward her. “Oh, this little green kobold’s having dreams of- oh. Oh that’s a weird one, just gonna ignore that…” She shoved the cloud away. “Hm, what about you… Nah, this guy doesn’t need sweeter dreams. Beating up salespeople to rescue a dragon baby is cute enough.”

Hmf. There’s nothing good today… okay, I’ll check on ONE more little dreamy cloud, then I’m going back to bed. Thankfully, one stuck out to her.

“Ooh, what could this be?” Pyx waved her hand, and one particular cloud showed up. It was a mean-looking dark gray, and showed a terrible sight indeed. A red dragonborn getting eaten by a purple dragon, a burning castle, screams of terror, the whole nine yards.

Dreams had different looks depending on the type. Pink clouds were happy dreams- the kind that help ease off a hard day’s stress. Normal white clouds represented the most basic of dreams- the kind you have and forget immediately when you wake up. Gray and stormy clouds, though, meant nightmares- and this one was a real nasty shade indeed. 

Ooh, this one must be a recurring dream. A real mean one, too. That’s not fun. Whose could this be, anyway?

She turned the cloud around, and it had a name written on the back. A convenient feature, really- helped her put a name to a dream.

“Hm. Rex Brimstone… That’s too long, I’ll call you Rexy. Your dreams are real sad. No wonder you’re so angy all the time…” Pyx lightly patted the cloud with her pudgy fingers. “Not to worry, I can fix that!”

With a few soft pats on the cloud containing Rex's nightmare, Pyx began to work her magic. “Meepy, sheepy, bleepy… there you go. Now your nightmare’s filled with nice fluffy sheepies. Here’s a sweeter dream for you!”

She poked the dark cloud, and the gray hue faded away to a much more pleasant pink, followed by it returning to the vortex of dream-clouds.

“There we go. Now, back to sleep… oh, darn, I’ve lost count of the sheepies!”

Author’s note:
In case it isn’t obvious in the text, the cerberus’ heads are a corgi (think Ein from cowboy bebop), an english mastiff, and a rottweiler.
Describing this shit is a royal pain.
Plot resumes next time!

Oh, and here's some art of everyone's favorite shipfiend Amoria by @Dragon_Tamer8- please give him a follow or leave a comment if you like it- he works really hard on this stuff.

Chapter Text

Sometimes, being a dragon comes with its perks- phenomenal power, natural magic ability, et cetera- but there are downsides, hard as that may be to believe sometimes.

They’re too large to get into places, can’t easily go to civilized towns without everyone being sent into a panic- or perhaps they’re just lazy and want someone else to bring them food.

For these purposes, dragons often keep minions- small, easily dispatched races like goblins and gnomes are possibilities, though kobolds are usually the most popular to have large quantities of. Warforged have recently been gaining popularity among the more enterprising ones, since they do not require food.

It is a mutually beneficial arrangement- the weaker minions get protection and other such benefits- the dragon gets free worship, and all the conveniences of being able to have someone else do things for you. Dragons often give their minions objects of value from their hoard, to broadcast that they are not to be trifled with, lest they bring draconic wrath down upon their heads.

As an aside- for most dragons, their minions are mere servants. Occasionally, things can progress to a more intimate level, but this is rare. On the occasions that it does, the bond between dragon and minion becomes ever stronger- and the dragonmarks that are left on said minions-turned-mates are even more of a deterrent to potential miscreants. Woe betide those who endanger a dragon’s mate, for hell hath no fury such as that.

-The Draconomicon

As Stephen and Spacey moved to investigate the poisoned crop situation, making their way down the dirt path, he was listening to Spacey blather about her newest artificing project. “I have FINALLY managed to get the absorption properties of the shield to work properly! Now, if there’s any low-level magic attacks, I can just tank ‘em- and channel them into the sword to release that energy onto my foes! BAM! Though, I still need to do some field testing before I can call it a PERFECT thing…”

“Right, Usagi mentioned doing a similar thing with your blade.” Stephen mused. He didn’t quite understand the particulars of the complex machinery she was working with, but the least he could do was indulge her ranting given how enraptured she was with his own hobbies. “How long did it take you to create that piece? It looks complicated.”

“Oh, only several months. You should have seen the previous ones, they were AWFUL.” Spacey groaned. “And trying to find good ways to test these things is MURDER- word of advice, don’t ask dragons to breathe on your inventions that you spent a month assembling- my big sister’s breath was too much for the first version of the shield to handle.” Oh dear. I hope she wasn’t holding it when that was occurring.  Spacey continued, gesticulating wildly to the heavy-looking shield she was carrying. There were slightly glowing grooves that weren’t there the last time- granted, he hadn’t really analyzed it in detail before. “The great part about being an adventurer, though, is that you get some GREAT field tests. So if anyone comes along flinging magic, I’ll be able to get a great idea of how it functions, potential refinements, et cetera.”

“Just remember, we don’t want another Force Cannon incident.” Stephen muttered. “Hopefully it doesn’t turn out like that.”

The pink construct let out the bored sigh of a child who’d been lectured on not eating out of the cookie jar several times in a row. “Oh, that thing was a disaster waiting to happen anyway- but once I fix it, I’ve got to lower the power output, otherwise it’ll just explode again.”

Stephen pursed his lips. “Let’s try to keep explosions to a minimum, please. Anyway, we have arrived.” The farms of Sack-End were located a decent distance away from the main village, divided into specific plots based on who owned them, separated by fences. They were even helpfully denoted by clearly labelled wooden signs.

“What is that?” Stephen pointed at one specific section of dirt that looked like it had seen better days. The soil had a bizarre, purplish hue, and looked more sludgy than was normal this time of year. There was a large wooden sign that read ‘DO NOT EAT. DO NOT TOUCH. DO NOT BURN.’ The nearby shed looked like it was practically falling apart, as if it had rotted.

“Do not burn? Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody tried that.” Spacey said.

“We should take a closer look.” Stephen uneasily made his way towards the plot of vegetables, fighting off the profound sense of unease building in his gut. Oh, I knew I should have changed into something else- getting the stains of whatever’s going on here out of this suit will be a trifle indeed.

The very air itself smelled odd- sweet, yet slightly sickly, like something was rotting that he couldn’t see. And the vegetables themselves- they looked relatively intact, but the colors were wrong, almost too saturated, and with a bizarre purple tint everywhere.

“Hm.” Stephen muttered. “Those plants do not look natural at all.” He squinted at the offending crops. Are they… are they pulsing? That- that does not seem up to board. He was hesitant to approach, lest he inhale something he shouldn’t. 

“Huh. I wonder what happens if… Stephen, stand back a sec, would ya?” Spacey, however, had no such compunctions, waltzing right up and jabbing it with her sword- making it expel a thick, viscous purple liquid. “Huh. That’s weird.”

“What are you doing?!” Stephen gasped. “Don’t- you shouldn’t just touch it! What if it spews acid, or unleashes a horde of insects, or some other horrible fate!”

“Eh, poison doesn’t work on me. No lungs, remember? No skin to sting, either, so insects would mean nothing.” Spacey shrugged, while poking the corrupted vegetable some more- as the strange fluid leaked harmlessly out of the rotten vegetable. Brushing the substance off her blade, she rubbed the button of her flat face like it was a chin. “Well, it’s not acidic, at least. This stuff looks pretty nasty, though.”

“These… do not look particularly healthy.” Stephen muttered. “No wonder this area is closed off.” Something is profoundly off about this. I sense ill magic in the air here… perhaps this is something the rest of the party should know about. Stephen could tell this was no ordinary poison- he could sense the magic radiating off the soil itself, like something was festering just beneath the surface. But where could the source of this malaise be coming from?

Stephen looked off in the distance, and noticed something that piqued his interest. There was a large tree with purple leaves a few miles away from town. That tree had been here when they arrived, but he could swear it looked different now. Were those leaves always… so brightly colored? Admittedly, Stephen hadn’t been paying enough attention when he’d gotten here in the morning, but something told him it was worth investigating. 

He turned to his companion and tapped her on the shoulder. “Spacey? Does that tree look different to you, or is it just-”

A sudden explosion cut off his train of thought.

Suddenly, the rickety shed burst open with a loud crash!

“WATCH OUT!” Spacey darted in front of Stephen and raised her shield, blocking the scraps of wood from injuring either of them. The shed had been completely demolished, leaving nothing of its existence but scattered scraps of boards and nails. “What the heck was that?!” She said, as she reached for her blade. Of course this couldn’t be easy. Well, at least I’ll get a field test out of this new shield in battle!

A thick cloud of green smog blanketed the area, and three silhouettes soon became visible- that were soon doubled over and coughing loudly. Neither Stephen nor Spacey could form a response- they were far too befuddled.

A haughty, feminine voice was the first to shatter the incoherence. “Those weren’t smoke bombs, they were STINK bombs, you BUFFOON!” A feminine voice snapped. “How many TIMES do I have to TELL YOU?!”

“They’re both green!” A squeaky voice whined.

“THEY ARE SUBTLY DIFFERENT SHADES!” The feminine one responded.

“And both had letter ‘S’ on them.” A rough-sounding, masculine voice grunted.

The woman of the group was sounding increasingly tired of her companions’ bumbling. “THEY ARE WRITTEN IN COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FONTS! And that’s beside the point! We have foes to conquer, so PAY ATTENTION!”

As the noxious smoke cleared, three figures stood before them- and somehow, the level of menace from the trio decreased even further.

On the right was a goblin, clad in nothing but a loincloth and brandishing two knives. He looked as feral as a starving cat, his shifty eyes and sharp teeth completing the image. And he had a bizarre tattoo on his chest. On the left was an orc clad in simple furs, hefting a crude axe- a sharpened stone lashed haphazardly to a stick. His head was as bald as a bean, and his face looked like it’d gotten slammed into a door several times. Clearly he’d been working out, but not enough, as he still had a bit of a gut on him. In the middle, was a githyanki who looked far easier on the eyes than her two companions, but had just as annoying of an aura. Judging by her staff, she was some sort of magic-user, but her outfit had far more in common with cheerleaders than someone devoted to intense study of the arcane- her spotted belly and legs were almost fully exposed. Spacey could feel the smugness of her sneer from several feet away. Yegh. She looks like the real high-and-mighty type. Her staff was made of flimsy-looking wood, and had a large triangular emerald on the end of it.

The one thing in common- other than their verdant skin tone- was on their clothing. The goblin’s chest, the orc’s chest medallion, and the gith’s top- had the same logo on it, resembling interlocked Gs.

“What? I- huh?” The normally verbose Stephen couldn’t hope to find the words to respond to the farce before him, and Spacey couldn’t blame him.

“Um…” Spacey couldn’t resist speaking up. “Who are you guys, exactly?”

The githyanki turned her attention towards the duo. “HA! You haven't the faintest idea of our greatness? Then we'll just have to introduce ourselves!"

“Moss is Moss!” The goblin cackled. 

The orc snarled. “I’m Spinach!” He roared in an attempt to sound menacing, but his voice cracked halfway through.

The haughty githyanki whirled her staff around dramatically. “And I am known as Jade- now cower before us, fools!”

Stephen was trying his hardest not to laugh, but thankfully managed to keep it under wraps- they were pretentious and dramatic even compared to him. Spacey’s already-low opinion of this motley bunch was steadily dropping by the minute. Wow, that was easy- and WOW, they’re rude. “Yeah, uh, no. We’re here to investigate something ACTUALLY important- namely these veggies- so if you’re not gonna interfere with that, that’d be great-”

“FOOL! OUR MASTER HAS SENT US TO RETRIEVE THESE VEGETABLES FOR HIS SUPPER!!” Jade proclaimed. “If you intend to stand in our way, we shall bury you in this very plot of dirt! Isn’t that right, boys?!”

“Yeah, you tell ‘em, boss!” Spinach flexed his biceps again.

“Moss’ll bite off your knees and feed them to Master!” The goblin cackled, drooling already at the prospect.

“Oh, gods, you’re serious.” Stephen sighed. “This- you might be worse off than that Kobra fellow- and that’s quite a feat indeed!”

Spacey readied her blade for a fight- no matter how easy it would probably be. “Let’s get you idiots over with so we can investigate in peace-”

“NOT BEFORE WE UTTERLY DOMINATE YOU FOOLS!” Spacey clenched her fist. Stop saying ‘fool’! You’re running that word into the ground, it’s not as cool as you think it is!

Moss posed in a combat stance, brandishing his knives. "We're lean!"

Spinach flexed his muscles and raised his axe. "We're mean!"

Jade spun her staff around dramatically, before planting it down on the ground- the wide prongs on the bottom keeping it from skewering her foot, going cleanly around it. "And we're obscene!"

The trio finished their speech in unison, "WE ARE... TEAM GANG-GREEN!" A pause followed, that they probably thought was dramatic, but Stephen and Spacey simply couldn’t think of a proper response.

Stephen raised his eyebrow. “Gangrene? As in, the foot disease? That’s… a questionable name.”

Jade stomped her foot. “NO ITS NOT!! THERE’S A HYPHEN IN BETWEEN GANG AND GREEN!!”

Spacey had a thought- a terrible and embarrassing one indeed. Wait… no, it can’t be related to him, can it? Green, excessively full of themselves- oh, no. "For gods' sake. I think I know exactly who hired these buffoons. Good news- it's not the Seven."

"Well, that's good.” Stephen muttered. “The last thing we need is more of their minions menacing us.”

Spacey sighed. "Bad news is, it's my ex."

“Your- your what?” Stephen looked at her like a confused student who’d been blindsided by the one question he hadn’t studied for.

Spacey pointed her sword at the trio of buffoons. “I’ll tell you later. Right now, we’ve got some idiots to deal with!”

Stephen was not prepared for this in the least. Of course I had to get into a fight today. Perhaps I should invest in some more battle-worthy outfits…

Jade pointed her staff at the duo, and sneered even more smugly than before. “Prepare to face our wrath! SPINACH! MOSS! SEIZE THEM!” Spinach and Moss rushed at the two, while Jade stood back and began to fire off balls of green energy.

Spacey readied her shield, blocking one of the magical projectiles. “Huh. It works. Neat. Right, let’s try and make this quick, shall we?”

“This is three against two- not f-favorable odds at all.” Stephen stammered.

Spacey rolled the cartoonish representations of eyes on her flat face. “Trust me, I’ve got an idea who they work for- and given that, these guys won’t be much trouble at all.” Spinach tried to attack her, but she blocked the orc’s axe with her shield, sending the weapon flying back with a loud clang! “Hey, hey, didn’t anyone teach you to pick on someone your own size?”

“But little ones easier to beat! Honor mean nothing if you lose!” Spinach grunted, attempting to bury his axe in her shoulder, and missing again.

“Fair point, I suppose.” Spacey pressed her assault further, sending the orc stumbling back with a quick shove. Any attempts he could make to push her back were thwarted by her surprising weight.

Spinach growled, griping his axe tightly. “What you made of? So heavy- you fatter than most orcs!”

“I am not FAT! I’m just made of very heavy materials. There’s a DIFFERENCE!” In a fit of rage, Spacey headbutted the offending orc- which did not go well for him, as he stumbled black with a bleeding nose. Stephen winced. Oh, that looks painful. Getting on her bad side is a terrible mistake indeed. “Stephen, you deal with the little and the leader. THIS idiot needs to learn how to talk to a LADY.”

“Why must I be the one to take two people at once?!” Stephen protested.

Spacey chuckled briefly, before another attack from Spinach refocused her attention. “‘Cause they look pretty pathetic, but the big guy might give you trouble.” Spacey smacked another of Spinach’s wild axe swings away with her own blade. “GO!”

Stephen whirled toward the little goblin- who was not particularly menacing at all, given how short he was. “Right. Well, this is more in line with my skill set, I suppose.”

“You look like a skinny twig! Moss will make quick work of you!” Moss hurled one of his knives at Stephen- and totally missed, as the blade buried itself in a nearby fence.

I- I don’t even know what’s happening anymore. “You- was that intended to be deadly?” Stephen should have been scared, but he found himself trying not to laugh instead.

The goblin stomped his foot. “That was just practice! Moss’ aim will be better on the next one!” He hurled another knife- this one got closer, nearly grazing his cheek as it whistled by. Stephen prepared to dodge another projectile, but none came. He couldn’t help asking, “Is something wrong?”

“M-Moss doesn’t have any more knives.” The goblin stammered, looking guilty. “But Moss still has his teeth and hands!!”

Stephen wanted to burst out laughing, but getting too distracted in a battle could lead to a quick defeat- no matter how incompetent the opposition was. Especially since the now-knifeless goblin was rushing right at him! Reflexively, he did the first thing he could think of- smacked the little annoyance with his cane, and knocked him aside with a loud thud.
Hm. Lighter than I was expecting.

“OW!” Moss whined. “What’s that thing made of?!”

“Wood?” Stephen wasn’t sure how else to respond to that. But before he could catch his breath, he was knocked off balance by a sudden impact- a magic ball from Jade’s staff.

“Moss! GET HIM! Don’t just stand there letting the opening I made slip away!” Jade crowed.

Stephen thought quickly. I know exactly what will send these gormless goons down for the count… Haven’t used this in a while! Stephen pointed dramatically, his cane glowing with magical energy! “Attract Ball!”

“What kind of name is that?!” Moss spat. “Useless magic won’t keep me from biting your nose off- wha?” Suddenly, Moss tripped and fell on his face, being pulled towards the magic orb! He was totally entrapped by it, struggling to even move away from its pull. “You- that’s not fair! Moss can’t stab you if he’s stuck in place!”

Meanwhile, Spacey was currently beating up an orc who didn’t seem to realize how outmatched he was. “OW! Must use different tactics.” Spinach disengaged from Spacey, and began to barrel towards Stephen instead. “Skinny man much easier target!”

Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to notice the magic ball that had his companion entrapped, and ran right into the shockwave.

Stephen grinned smugly. “Ha! You ran right into my-” But Spinach kept moving, growling angrily. “What? That’s not-”

“PUNY MAGIC WON’T WORK ON ME!” Spinach muscled through the vacuuming shockwave, soon breaking free of its grip- and began bearing down on Stephen, growling like an annoyed dog! All Stephen could think of to do was run as fast as his weedy legs could carry him.

“GOOD JOB, STEPHEN, KEEP HIM DISTRACTED!” Spacey yelled as she made a beeline for Jade.

“This is not part of my skillset!!” Stephen panted. “I am not fit for… close-range physical combat!” It was only thanks to his light frame that he was able to keep ahead of the rampaging orc- and he was rapidly running out of steam!”

But before he could catch up, Spinach tripped over a stray root, and faceplanted directly into a flat rock, and Stephen suddenly felt a lot less intimidated. This- are brawls with random miscreants always supposed to be this effortless?

Spacey heard a massive thud, and turned around to see Spinach totally conked out in the soil. Oh. Well that was easy. “Good job, Stephen!” She said, before turning her attention back to the biggest threat in the area- the githyanki with the staff. Jade was firing balls of energy everywhere and taking potshots at them. Thankfully, her shield could absorb low-level magical attacks- the field test was proving to be quite a success- but the sheer amount of them was really starting to grate on her.

She’s gonna keep supporting them, huh. Better deal with that- otherwise this could go on FOREVER, even with the others being total weaklings!

“Hey, tall, green and ugly!” Spacey rushed at the githyanki. “Come here, I got a beatdown with your name on it!”

“What?! Spinach! Get her!” Jade snapped, stomping her foot.

Unfortunately for her, Spinach was still struggling to get himself out of the dirt Stephen had put him in.

“Yeah, I’ve already gotten sick of dealing with you dips. And your orc friend is too busy tripping over his own feet to help you!” Spacey rushed forward, making a beeline directly for Jade! Any magical projectile the gith fired, Spacey’s shield absorbed readily.

“MOSS’S GOT YOU!” Spacey felt a weight land on her back- the little goblin had latched onto her and wouldn’t let go!

“Get off me, you little jerk!” Spacey thrashed about, but if this goblin was good at one thing, it was keeping hold of things he shouldn’t.

“Moss will bite your neck off!” Spacey heard a loud crunch, then a yelp of pain from the little gremlin- and she had to try her hardest not to burst out laughing.

“OW! Moss’s teeth hurt!” The goblin whined.

Wow. Never had somebody try to BITE me before- probably because that’s the STUPIDEST THING YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO.

“What the heck did you expect?!” Spacey dropped on the floor, flattening the small goblin with her heavy weight- after letting out a noise that sounded like a deflated mouse, the little rat finally let her go. “Yours truly is made of hihiro’kane, the second toughest metal in the world! Second only to adamantine- and DEFINITELY not to be nibbled on!”

“Hihiro-” A look of recognition crawled onto Jade’s face, and her face scrunched into an annoyed sneer. “YOU! You’re the whore who threw my master’s adoration back in his face!”

Yep, that confirms who they’re working for. Lovely.

Getting to her feet, Spacey returned her focus to the gith cleric. “Yeah, that’s right, because your boss is a narcissistic jerk who was too busy tooting his own horns to actually be a decent partner!”

“How dare you insult Master! He raised us out of the dregs of society, gave us purpose!” Clearly not much of one, if you’re stuck committing petty crimes for him… Jade tried to raise her staff to block Spacey’s sword, but the flimsy thing couldn’t stand up to the superior construction of Spacey’s artificing. It split in half under the wrought metal of Spacey’s blade, leaving Jade flailing uselessly!

“My- MY STAFF!” Jade raged. “You- that’s not fair!!”

“Make your staff out of stronger material next time, then!” Spacey slashed at the githyanki with her sword, using the energy the shield had absorbed to create a magical powerful explosion centered on her opponent. Then, she kicked Jade in her bare stomach, the force of her metal foot sending her sprawling to the ground, coughing up blood! Jade tried to get up, but getting a full-force kick from solid hihiro’kane tended to break a few things. Like bones.

A yell from Spinach alerted Spacey- clearly he’d managed to regain his bearings- and she blocked the incoming axe swing… hard enough to make the axe head fall off and thump uselessly to the ground. “What the- how’d you secure that thing? It shouldn’t FALL OFF!”

“Been practicing knots for three days-URK!” Spinach said sheepishly, before Stephen came back and smacked him upside the head with his cane and sending the orc down to the dirt again.

“Wow, that’s impressive. What’s that thing made of, anyway?” Spacey asked.

“Well, wood, mostly, but it has a metal tip.” Stephen responded.

“You’ve been carrying around a bludgeon this whole time?! Man, I gotta see if I can upgrade that thing.” Spacey muttered.

The duo were not much worse for wear, but the trio of green goons were suffering from their various injuries. Spacey was almost relieved. I suppose it’s refreshing to have a battle go off without a hitch, for a change.

“You’re weaponless and beaten. Surrender, and we can end this terrible farce!” Stephen raised his cane in a menacing fashion towards the buffoons. Of course Spacey knew that it was just an ordinary stick- but they didn’t know that.

“Unless you feel like embarrassing yourselves even more!” Spacey brandished her blade, the edge thrumming with magical energy.

“Answer! Are you responsible for the poisoning of these crops?” Stephen said, with as much of an intimidating tone as he could muster.

“HA! You think it’s over?” Jade cackled. “We have not yet begun to fight, fools!” She pointed to her two subordinates. “Moss! Spinach! It’s time… to do THAT!” Despite their injuries, the other two dutifully rushed over to their leader’s side- Moss was missing a tooth, and Spinach’s face looked even uglier than it usually did.

“Watch out, idiots!” Moss hopped up, brandishing the one knife he’d managed to retrieve on the way over.

“You be sorry you messed with us!” Spinach flexed his muscles in an attempt to be intimidating, trying valiantly to cover for the fact that he was now weaponless.

“PREPARE FOR OUR ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE!!” Jade announced, hoisting up her staff- which was still broken in half, but she was holding together the pieces. The green gemstone began to glow ominously, clearly charging some manner of eldritch spell. Spacey stepped in front of her companion, prepared for whatever last-ditch move they were pulling out of their rears, and braced for impact-

And then the gemstone fell off the staff she was still holding.

Jade’s jaw dropped.

“That supposed to happen?” Spinach grunted.

“What- OH, COME ON!” Jade screeched, and then kicked the gemstone angrily. “That- WHY DON’T YOU WORK, YOU-”

The emerald began to glow.

“Uh-oh. That’s not good.” Spacey said, matter-of-factly.

“What do you mean?!” Stephen gasped. “That-

“Just stand behind me!” Spacey snapped. The gemstone exploded, sending the three green people flying every which way with its magic force! Thankfully, Spacey’s shield absorbed the magical energy enough to keep both her and Stephen on her feet. Wow. Talk about a successful field test!

After the dust cleared, Spacey pointed to the shards of green mineral scattered everywhere. “That, my friend, is a mage zircon, designed to help those with no magical aptitude cast spells anyway. She’s so incompetent she couldn’t even use it right.”

The three pinheads were left in a crumpled heap, totally knocked out in the heap of destroyed, corrupted vegetables and blasted soil.

“Wait… have we won?” Stephen said. “I’m… so confused.”

“I guess we have.” Spacey shrugged. “That was somehow even less difficult than I thought it’d be.” Before they could rest on their laurels or commence the interrogation, however…

“YOU IDIOTS!!” A nasally yet still loud and commanding voice echoed through the area. Stephen looked up, his face turned even paler than it already was. “A dragon?!” Stephen yelped. Yep. Yep, it’s him. Gaius, why do I have to deal with this today?

A green dragon was descending from the skies, flapping his wings and snarling angrily. “HOW COULD YOU SCREW UP SUCH A SIMPLE TASK?! SOMETIMES I WONDER WHY I KEEP YOU AROUND!”

Stephen instinctively hid behind Spacey- but she didn’t seem even remotely scared. “Why are you just standing there?! We should run!” Stephen protested.

“Oh, that’s just great.” Spacey rolled her eyes. “Well… here’s my ex-boyfriend. I can handle this- this guy’s a pushover, trust me.”

Oh, gods, not THIS guy… why him?! Why is HE here? Of all possible times! Good thing Celeste or Arandia aren’t here, otherwise they’d never let me live this down!

It was her ex, Verdigris. And he was just as aggravating as ever. By dragon standards, he was pretty slender and bony- and with those long legs and just-as-long neck, he was very tall. Not that it helped him be any more imposing- with that nasally voice, it sounded like he perpetually had a very bad cold. “JADE! You broke the magic jewel I gave you ?! Do you KNOW how hard it is to procure those?!” Verdigris roared. “And YOU two! You let a glimmerous fop and a construct defeat you? You should be ASHAMED! How long have you been in my service?!”

“Sorry, boss…” Spinach sniffled, his nose still bleeding from getting his face smashed into a rock.

“It wasn’t our fault! These guys were too good! And I didn’t bring enough knives!” Moss whined.

“That metal harlot is too strong!” Jade huffed, trying to stagger to her feet.

You know, they’d almost be pitiable if they weren’t so annoying.

Stephen frowned, looking annoyed that his contributions were being totally ignored. “I helped too, you know-”

“Stephen, let me handle this.” Spacey was by far the one with the most experience with dragons out of both of them- and much as she valued Stephen as a friend, she had a far better chance of getting her ex to go away without a fight. Probably. Hopefully.

After Verdigris had got done berating his minions, his gaze turned to the duo in front of him. “And YOU two, who thrashed my loyal minions! You’re lucky you didn’t kill any of them, otherwise there would be HELL to pay.” The green dragon growled, recognizing the pink machine standing before him. “Lovely. It’s YOU.”

Yeah, it’s not much better for me to have to see your scaly mug again, either. "Verdigris." Spacey stared at him, an annoyed expression on her flat, crystalline face.

"Spacey, daughter of Tamaranch." The green dragon narrowed his eyes. Well, at least he’s still slightly polite.

Spacey pointed to the three assailants, who were currently scuttling about attempting to find their scattered weapons and pieces thereof. "These idiots yours?"

"Yes, they are MY loyal minions, thank you.” Verdigris huffed and slunk forward towards her, getting right up in her personal space. “I see you are still off running around, doing whatever you please.”

“As if you’re any better, resorting to petty thievery of food from people who need it more than you do.”

“Hmph. I’ll have you know that I am fairly underweight for my size.” Verdigris slammed his tail into a nearby fence, smashing it to bits in an attempt to intimidate her- but Spacey didn’t budge an inch, even as the snout of the green dragon drew closer and closer. If she didn’t know better, she would think he was trying to nuzzle her- and if he did, she would desperately have to resist the temptation to punch him right in his smug snout. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit? Perhaps you might be willing to come back-”

Spacey clenched her metallic fist. "You were too busy admiring yourself to pay attention to me last time, why would I ever take you back? I have other prospects!"

Verdigris snarled and bared his teeth. "Please, the stench of your desperation would have melted the noses of any other dragons nearby! And besides, I've found someone that puts your metallic beauty to shame! A lady made of the finest crystal, perfectly flawless."

Spacey had heard his ranting countless times before, and it held less water than a sinking ship. "Flawless, huh? If she's really flawless, she'd be too good for you. Where is she, then?

The green dragon gritted his teeth. "...I'm currently pursuing some leads!!"

Spacey couldn’t resist tossing another barb at him. "Please. Unless she comes to YOU, you're not finding anybody- especially not with your head buried so deep up your rear, you couldn't find your way out!"

Verdigris looked like he wanted to throw her through a wall. "Says the machine who is currently still a bachelorette."

Spacey, meanwhile, was desperately trying to resist making some very rude gestures. "Says the draconic bachelor who couldn't even get his green mook lady to sleep with him!"

“I am not attracted to her at all, thank you!” The green dragon chuckled. “Gods, no. She is merely a servant, nothing more! And she was SUPPOSED to be retrieving FOOD for me, and has failed miserably at that.”

Spacey spoke up. “Wait. So you WEREN’T responsible for poisoning these?”

“How dare you make such a ridiculous assumption!” Verdigris huffed. “Why would I poison something that I intend to consume- let alone feed my minions with?”

“I mean, you do have poison breath…” Spacey shrugged. “So, like, it’s not THAT far out of the realm of possibility.”

“Hmph. You know, you could always come back. There’ll always be a place for someone like you by my side-”

“In your dreams, buddy, I’ve found a lead for a potential boyfriend already!” Spacey blurted, before immediately regretting it. Oh, nuts, why did I say that…

“Oh, really. Who is it? I doubt they’d be as magnificent as I.” Verdigris grinned smugly. “Is it that flamboyant fop hiding behind you? Talk about a downgrade.”

“D-Don’t bring me into this!” Stephen said nervously, peeking out from behind Spacey.

“Get out of here, Verdigris. NOW.” Spacey said, in her best ‘don’t you test me’ diva-esque tone.

“Or WHAT?” Verdigris snarled. “Or you’ll fight me? That wouldn’t go too well for you, just on your own!”

Spacey refused to be intimidated by the pathetic excuse for a dragon she called her ex-boyfriend. “You touch me or anyone I care about, and the wrath of Tamaranch is gonna come down on that scaly head.” Spacey scoffed. “And we both know you don’t have the power OR courage to take him on, do you?”

Verdigris let out a low growl, before turning away with his proverbial tail between his legs. “Hmph. Minions! Get on. We’re leaving.”
Jade looked shocked. “But, master, don’t you want to deal with-”

“I SAID NOW.” The green dragon growled, and his trio of fools stopped talking as they climbed on his back- and the gaggle of green goons flew off.

Spacey sighed. "If I have to see any more incompetent, whiny green people I am going to blow a gasket."

"Well, there was this one fellow back in Koboldia… Nearly swindled me and Octavia out of a tidy sum. But enough about that.” Stephen pointed to the tree in the distance. “I don’t like that. The fluid coming from the vegetables was purple, that odd plant is purple… it can’t be a coincidence!”

“Cool, yeah, but let’s head back to town first. Between having to deal with those idiots AND my awful ex-boyfriend, I need a break.” Spacey muttered.

“No arguments from me, I suppose.” Stephen sighed. “Cleaning off this suit is going to be a problem.”

The pink construct placed a hand on his shoulder as they walked off. “We really need to get you more appropriate adventurers’ outfits.”

Dantol was bored.

The new issue of the Sassy Satyr hadn’t come in yet. And that one warforged that’d come in earlier hadn’t sent him any leads, either. And on top of that, nobody had come to visit him lately- some ‘Master of Revelry’ he was if he couldn’t hold any parties. A party of one was a pathetic display, indeed.

He might even have to leave the cave soon if he couldn’t find any entertainment nearby- and that was a terrifying prospect indeed. After all, who would protect his collection of back issues in his absence? In the midst of his boredom, he had an idea.

Oh, this is going to be hilarious. Dantol picked up a sending stone sitting in the corner of his hoard- he had a call to make. At least it would pass the time. “Hello, Vergal.”

Clanking of metal came from the other line, followed by a nervous, yet annoyed voice. “What is it?” The dragon on the other side sounded quite unimpressed. “I’m in the middle of an important experiment.”

“What, am I not allowed to call up my closest neighbor?” Dantol said, putting on a mock-offended tone. “I thought we were friends, Vergal.” He let out a small chuckle. Vergal was his brass dragon neighbor- well, ‘neighbor’ was relative, considering the distance between their lairs, but still relatively close- and the biggest shut-in he’d ever known. Despite this, he hadn’t told Dantol to stop calling him yet. Perhaps he was as desperate for social contact as he was, albeit in completely different ways.

Vergal sighed on the other side of the stone. “Half the time when you call me it’s for some harebrained scheme, or trying to find mates for both of us. I see no reason to expect differently this time.”

“Am I really so predictable?” Dantol said.

“Yes.” Vergal’s even tone carried an undercurrent of annoyance- so the copper dragon figured he’d better cut to the chase. “I’m trying to fix this machine I found in some nearby ruins.

“Trying to build yourself a mate?” Dantol chuckled.

Vergal sighed. “This machine doesn’t have the possibility of sentience, I don’t think. That would be a delightful surprise if it did. I believe it is a glorified cleaning unit of sorts, designed to gather dust and deposit it elsewhere.”

Dantol could barely hold back his laughter. Oh, sentient machines, you say? You’ll definitely owe me for this one. “Listen, there will be somebody coming by your lair in a couple of weeks. I know you don’t like surprises, so I’m giving you a heads up.”

Vergal sighed. "Dantol, did my mother put you up to this?"

Dantol gagged. "Gods, no, that old wyrm? She wouldn't find somebody like the one that's about to show up to your door in a thousand years. Trust me, this lady will blow your mind."

Another clang from Vergal’s end. "Is it another dragon? I think I've been turned off of other dragons for the time being… all the blind dates my mother set up have been absolute disasters. Like the time she tried to pair me off with a white dragon in the mountains, that turned out to be a male. Or the nearby bronze dragoness mayor… after I dropped those signs begging for mates everywhere and made myself look like a desperate cad.” Vergal sighed. “Alcohol is a dangerous thing.”

Dantol tried not to laugh. That was an amusing incident indeed- he didn’t actually expect his friend to go through with that harebrained scheme, but the mead he’d had that night had lowered his inhibitions something fierce. Well, I mean, you are desperate, but I’m sure you already know that. And there’s no shame in that, either- look at me, putting personal ads in this magazine every month.

“No, it’s not a dragon. It’s a very special humanoid.”

“A humanoid?” Vergal sounded more interested- Dantol knew he’d never had the opportunity to court one.

Dantol chuckled. "I can't tell you, that would ruin the surprise!"

Vergal groaned. “You and your surprises. I’ve had enough surprise dates from my mother, thank you. This one had better be different, please.”

“Trust me, you’ll love her.” Dantol reassured him. As if on cue, he heard a fluttering of wings from outside, followed by a soft thud- the familiar sound of one of the magazine’s delivery people. 

“Oh, there’s the delivery of the new issue. I should go. Remember, look out for your new date!” Dantol grinned, then put down the sending stone before Vergal could respond further. “I wonder if there’s anything interesting in there this month… perhaps a new D.D. Fuchsia column? She’s always so much fun to read.” At least that would entertain him for a few days. Hopefully that one warforged was as good as her word- he didn’t have THAT many sending stones, after all, and some more permanent company in his lair would be nice.

Crawling out to the cave entrance, he beheld the delivery person who’d made the stop- his usual acquaintance, an aarakocra named Carrie. She was covered in bright blue feathers, and her beak was short and dull. She was quite skinny- and a bit short- by aarakocra standards- but she still had the extremely toned thighs and prominent chest that all of that race did. She also wasn’t wearing a shirt, only a very short skirt- the less clothing that could restrict her flight, the better, and it wasn’t like aarakocra had anything to expose in the chest area.

Dantol assumed she was a she, anyway. Dantol wasn’t well-informed enough on the particulars of aarakocra anatomy to make a sound judgement call on that front- and he was too polite to ask, lest he stop getting deliveries. Carrie had been the most consistent delivery person from the Sassy Satyr. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen anyone else from there in over a year come to this place. I wonder… It wasn’t like his lair was terribly out of the way, either- certainly not enough that it required an aarakocra to reach.

“Ah, Mr. Dantol, sir!” Carrie lifted up the package. “Your package is here… and it’s much heavier than usual.”

Dantol coughed, trying not to laugh. “I’m, ahem, sure it is. How was the flight?”

Carrie groaned, her voice cracking a bit. "The route today... it was awful! I had to go in so many different directions… there’s SO many people ordering this stuff."

The copper dragon idly tapped his claws. "Oh no, it must have been a terribly hard problem to solve."

Carrie stomped her talons adorably. "You have no IDEA! It was so hard, and by the end I'll be so exhausted I could barely fly!" Don’t laugh, you’ll embarrass her, Dantol… remember, you don’t attract mates by being rude. Though, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to test the waters a bit.

“You know, you could always come in.” The copper dragon winked. “There’s always room for more than one in here, you know. And you must be very tired from all that work.”

The aarakocra fidgeted, twiddling her thumbs. “Oh, huh, hah, I’d love to, but I have…” Carrie flipped her pad open. “Ten more deliveries to get to today. Sorry… If you’re ever last on the delivery list, though, I might take you up on that offer! Really!”

Dantol shrugged. “Another time, perhaps.”

“And uh, by the way, your, um, blanket is looking a little worn. Maybe you should get a new one?” Carrie said, before looking away nervously.

Oh? Is that a come-on? Hm. “I’ll keep that in mind, thank you. Oh, before you go… let me give you a little reward.” He went back to his hoard, grabbed a handful of gold coins, and dropped them at Carrie’s feet.

“Um, that tip’s really big for me to carry… but I’ll take it anyway, thank you!” Dantol’s resistance to laughter was waning by the second. He couldn’t tell if her parade of innuendos was intentional or not, but it was very amusing regardless.

“Oh, please, no tip is too big for someone as hard-working as you.” “Uh, I’ll come again next month! Bye!” Carrie took off again, the bag of holding strapped firmly to her waist.

Dantol had to fight hard not to burst into giggles. “I’m sure you will.” Thankfully, the delivery bird didn’t hear that last one.

As she left, Dantol caught a glimpse of her legs under that skirt, and something stirred under the blanket briefly. Down, boys, this isn’t the time. You’ve just gotten a new issue to pore over.

Hopefully she would come back eventually. His cave was always open… and the Master of Revelry always had space for new partygoers. Especially permanent ones, possibly.

Author's Note: Hey hey, here's the next chapter! A little late, but oh well.
Here's some art courtesy of @Dragon_Tamer8 of Team Gang-Green, they came out SO well.
Hopefully the next chapter won't be so difficult, this one was a PAIN to write. If you liked it, please let me know, i'm a little exhausted.

Chapter Text

Hear ye, People of Gaia! Despite our best efforts, false god worship continues to prosper outside our borders.
Supporters of the Pantheon are sadly misguided in their beliefs. They claim the gods have our best interests at heart… Why, then, did they not assist in the fight against the Archdevil? Because they do not care for us mortals beyond being a source of worship. And if mortals are suffering, then they get so much nourishment from our prayers, while we are left with nothing.
If that is incorrect, then let the gods appear and strike me down here and now!

-Word from the Prophet Gaius

“I do hope this goes off without incident, for once.” Rex muttered.
“Oh, please, you know there’s at least a fifty percent chance of something happening with this group.” Usagi snarked. “Explosions, property damage… never a dull moment with this group, I suppose.”

Rex was prepared for an embarrassing day. While all the rest of the party had split off on their separate ways, he was left to investigate that mysterious mansion on the edge of town to find Mayor Hilga’s daughter. That building was an important site- a place meant for the Party of Heroes, to rest their weary bones for free.
And unfortunately, he was stuck trying to do this task with people that were not likely to treat this place with the respect it deserved. His sister had gone in there earlier, and dealing with her shenanigans was very low on the list of things he liked doing. At least he was only accompanied by Usagi- the only one aside from Arandia who was marginally more respectable than the rest of his party. Marginally. I hope he has the good sense to not try stealing from her… she may not act like it, but Rarity can be a force to be reckoned with if she’s crossed.

The Heroes’ Mansion stretched up before them, its dilapidated walls looming over the duo like a spectre ready to steal their soul. It was not particularly ornate, but even Rex could tell it had seen much better days- the wooden walls looked quite weathered, and the windows were nearly all broken. Clearly the ravages of the elements had taken their toll- the entire place looked like a massive fire hazard. If any miscreants show up inside, I won’t be able to use my fire breath- I had better keep that in mind. The door was actually big enough for him to enter properly- compared to the hobbit-holes that made up the rest of Sack-End, it looked even more imposing, sticking out like a sore claw.
Usagi casually tossed a rock through one of the windows, listening for anything inside other than the thud. “Dear me, this place is drab. Why are we here again?”
Rex slapped his snout with his hand, exasperated. For someone with ears that large, you are frankly awful at listening! “We are ATTEMPTING to find the mayor’s missing daughter. Pay attention!”
“Oh, right. Well, hopefully there’s a reward in it for us.” Usagi was busy peering into the various windows, presumably scoping out the place for possible valuables. “Talk about a mess.” He shook his head. “This place has clearly seen better days.”

Rex glanced closer at a sign outside. It read, ‘Let this house be a place where the Seven Heroes may always stay- their purest of safe havens’. “What has the world come to, when signs of my ancestor’s greatness have fallen into such disrepair?”

“Your ancestor?” Usagi said, not treating Rex’s declaration with the seriousness he would hope for. “Hm. What’d he do?”
“You- you don’t KNOW about the heroes that sealed the archdevil?!” Rex’s eye twitched, and he had to frantically will himself to keep his composure. “It is ONLY one of the most important things to ever happen in the history of this world! And MY great-grandfather was partially responsible for it!”
“Sorry, I’m a little too busy trying to make a dishonest living- history class isn’t exactly on my priority list.” Usagi tapped the sign and it fell down- a poor omen of what the actual mansion would be like, if Rex had ever seen one. “I certainly wouldn’t feel safe sleeping in here.”
“It was supposed to be a gesture of goodwill and appreciation!” Rex grumbled. “Letting them know they have a home here, no matter what happens to their own homeland-”
“Right.” Usagi walked past him. “Well, they’re all dead, so we might as well take a look inside. Wonder if there’s anything useful left behind.”
Rex was appalled. “Aren’t you concerned about respect for the dead?!”
“I don’t see any of them up and about bothering us to stay out of their house.” Before Rex could protest further, the harengon slipped through the door without a care in the world. Gods, I dearly hope today can go WELL for a change. Go in, find Hilga’s daughter, and not get into a potentially deadly fight. If anyone up there is listening, can I have a break, please?!

As Rex and Usagi entered the mansion, taking in its empty, dilapidated halls, he heard familiar voices. Turning a corner into a sitting room, he was greeted by a familiar sight- albeit not one he was terribly impressed by. The sheer lack of royal conduct his sister exhibited never failed to amaze- and annoy- him. He sighed. “Hello, sister.”

“Hello again, little brother.” Rarity was lounging on the couch in the back of the room like she owned the place, surrounded by her bandmates. Does she HAVE to call me ‘little’? I know I’m a bit short compared to some of my peers, but rubbing it in like that really does not help.

On her left was Shaya, her flutist and a satyr. Her grass skirt barely covered her furry hips- and the top made out of leaves she wore barely contained her massive bosom. She was currently busy puffing heavily on a pipe full of pipeweed and giggling incoherently, her eyes slightly bloodshot from the substance.
On her right was Undene, a siren and the band’s lead vocalist. Her bird-like bottom half was covered in soft-looking golden feathers, which matched her spotless skin easily. Her face was twisted in a permanent smirk of superiority, as far as he knew. She was wearing even less than Shaya- all she had was a very small top that covered the bare minimum of chest, and a mere fancy loincloth on her lower half. In place of normal arms, she possessed simple wings with only a single claw-like finger at the joint. Rex was convinced she’d used her magical singing ability to get higher pay at least once, but knew better than to posit that theory out loud, lest he come to his senses in some undignified position.

Rarity had her arms wrapped around the torsos of the two women, gripping them protectively. Draconic instincts at work. But there was a new one, one he hadn’t met before. A thri-kreen, resembling a large humanoid insect with four arms- one pair being larger than the others- and a heavy-looking abdomen. He was currently busy giving shoulder massages to his bandmates, putting those extra arms to good use. Of course Rarity, being the leader, got two hands while the others only got one. And he was wearing even less than ladies that followed his sister around- namely, just a necklace with a blue gem, one that matched what the ladies were wearing. A sign of who was in charge of this whole affair. They didn't seem to be doing anything untoward at the moment, but Rex knew his sister well enough to know that if they hadn't walked in, they might have started.

Another one?! She’s brought ANOTHER one into her fold? As if two lovers aren’t enough, she needed a third.

Shaya giggled upon seeing the duo enter. “Oh, hey, Rex… been a while, hasn’t it? Ya found a queen yet? If ya need some advice, you’ve got ladies right here who could help with that.” She brushed her curly hair out of her eyes to get a better look at him, sporting a very dopey grin.

Undene let out a derisive snort. “Don’t make me laugh. Him? How he’s related to Rarity I’ll never know- ow!” Rarity had pinched her neck to silence the offending siren- whether it was to defend his honor or to keep her from saying something private, he didn’t know.
“And who’s the little cutie you’ve got with ya?” Shaya gestured to Usagi, giggling. “He looks really soft. Can I pet him?”

Rex was slightly taken aback by how casually she asked something like that, but Usagi seemed unfazed. “Sorry, ma’am, but pets aren’t free.” Shaya merely shrugged in response.
“Hmph. Feathers are better than fur, anyway.” Undene grumbled, unprompted. No one cared to give a response to her attempt at ego stroking, except Rarity- who saw fit to simply place a hand on her feathery thigh.
“Now, Undene, fur and feathers are equal in my eyes at least. You know that. And this one’s quite a shrewd businessman, I see. You have good taste in companions, brother.” Rex’s eye twitched, and he could feel his migraine getting worse. “Oh, right, you haven’t met the newest bandmate, brother. This is Trizee, the new drummer for the Rough Rockers.” Gods, that name is unfitting of royalty. She reached up and patted the bug-man on the head, making him buzz appreciatively.

Rex was desperately attempting to keep his mouth shut- after all, he knew as well as anyone the arrangement that was present- he’d had the misfortune of getting a room next to hers last time he’d seen her. And the walls were very thin indeed at that inn. "I, ahem, wasn’t aware that you played for that team."

"Then you clearly weren't paying enough attention when I was hitting on the royal guard." Rarity waved her hand dismissively. “Besides, this one’s loyal and helpful enough that I couldn’t POSSIBLY turn him down. Isn’t he adorable?”

No matter how he looked at the bug man, Rex would not call him ‘adorable’, but he supposed there was no accounting for taste.
“Queen Rarity is a most lovely and fulfilling companion.” Trizee said, directly into his mind. Thri-kreen could not talk normally, but through telepathy they could still communicate, albeit in a very unsettling fashion.
Rex’s head hurt a little more. “You- you make him call you ‘queen’?”
Rarity snorted. “No, he started doing that on his own. He calls Undene ‘Duchess’ and Shaya ‘Princess’ as well, I think it’s just a thri-kreen thing, like queens of insects. And who am I to pass up some free adoration?” She ran her hands across his antenna, making him buzz appreciatively.

Shaya giggled. “Oh, he’s a great bandmate, he REALLY knows how to-” Rarity gently squeezed Shaya’s leg, a silent message to hold her tongue- and it made her blush.  “Um, play the drums.”

"Bet he gets a lot of honey." Usagi snarked.

Shaya giggled. "Oh yeah, he does. And gives-" It was only Undene’s angry glare that kept Shaya from going into more detail- but the blush on her face told Rex all he didn’t want to know, and then some.

“Shut up! That’s private information!” Undene snapped. “He doesn’t need to know about any of-”
“Ladies.” One stern word from Rarity silenced the gossip of them both. Meanwhile, Rex was quietly seething. Hmph, how does my sister get people to call her royal terms so easily?! The only one who does that is Usagi, and he’s mocking me when he does it!

In the middle of all this, Usagi was staring at how Trizee had his hands all over the attractive women in front of him. “Lucky bastard.”
“What was that?” Rex turned over, not sure he heard the rabbit correctly.
“Oh, nothing.” Usagi muttered, without missing a beat. “Who’s that on the wall, anyway? An ancestor of yours?”
Rex had been so focused on trying to hide his embarrassment, he hadn’t noticed the enormous portrait on the wall- several people were on it, but Rex recognized the person who Usagi was pointing to instantly- a muscular blue dragonborn man, that practically radiated an aura of confidence. “That’s- Imperius the Wise, my great-grandfather!”

Aside from the face of Imperius, the contents of the rest of the portrait were less clear. There was a very tall gray dragonborn there, who Rex thought looked familiar but couldn't quite place. A hobbit- he could tell that instantly from the lack of height. But in the center, there were three humanoids he didn't recognize- one of which was probably Gaius. He thought he could see pointed ears on one of them, but the artwork was too faded to make much out. And even more annoyingly, part of the painting had fallen off, hiding the seventh hero from his eyes.

Rarity yawned. "I think I saw a statue of that hobbit outside. This portrait isn't much more flattering, I must say. That dragonborn’s interesting, though. Very handsome.”

“Show some respect for once!” Rex puffed. “That is the visage of someone very important- he’s YOUR famous ancestor as well! The greatest king Dragonia has ever known! One of the two survivors of the quest to seal the Archdevil! Husband of Inferna, Queen of the Caldera! Having his blood in my veins is an HONOR!”
“Hm. Well, I certainly inherited my good looks from him, at least.” Rarity mused.

Rex continued, trying to ignore Rarity’s uncalled-for comments. “Not to mention, one of the greatest orators, too- his tongue was skilled enough to-”
Shaya burst out laughing. “Oh, heh, I’m sure it was.” Rex’s withering glare thankfully silenced her immature giggling.
Undene couldn’t help but chime in next. “Really. Who’s the other one? Is she a relative too? She looks far more intimidating than this Imperius.”
“Oh, that’s simple, she’s…” Rex paused.
He didn’t know who that was. Of course he knew there was another dragonborn with the Party of Heroes, but for the life of him, he was drawing a blank. The only thing he could remember was that she was the chief of Dragonia’s Royal Guard at the time, but nothing else. Come on, Rex, think! Who was that?!

“Oh, dear.” Rarity chuckled. “My brother, unable to identify something so important? I know I never paid attention in history classes, but you were always trumpeting your ‘great heritage’- this is quite a surprise indeed.”

“Well, it’s been a while since I’ve had to use that knowledge for anything.” Rex grumbled, attempting to save face.
“At least I don’t pretend to know more than I do.” His sister said in her usual bored tone that could so expertly drive him up the wall. “Anyway, we should probably attempt to find that missing girl instead of sitting around here all day. We should split up. I’ll go with Shaya and my brother up to the second floor, and the rest of you can look around down here.”

“What?! Why can’t I go with YOU?!” Undene spat, her blatant possessiveness on full display.

"Careful, Undene, you don't want to ruffle your feathers." Shaya chuckled.

"Speak for yourself. My feathers are perfectly fine!" Undene snapped, before taking a subtle look at her legs to make sure.
Rarity gave Undene a gentle kiss on the forehead, making her blush furiously. “Because it had to be somebody. Don’t worry. Next time we’re investigating some abandoned locale, you can go with me instead.”
“I’ll hold you to that…” Undene grumbled. “Hmph. Come on, Trizee, rabbit whose name I don’t know.” She stepped off into another room, her palpable disappointment hanging in the air. Trizee followed her, with Usagi close behind- clearly he had no protests about this arrangement.
Why do I get the feeling this is going to be a very exhausting day?

Dear me, when I heard who this mansion was for, I expected something a little more high-class. But it’s just simple furniture, drab wooden walls, strictly utilitarian. No amazing artifacts hiding inside or anything!

Usagi was busy rummaging around the dining room he was in, looking for the missing daughter- and something to line his pockets. Of course the former was important, but if the latter popped up in the process, he wouldn’t hesitate to take it. Hopefully the Seven Heroes have a rainy day fund stashed away somewhere… At least there’s no rotten food in here, THAT would be a hassle to deal with.
Meanwhile, the two band members he was stuck chaperoning were busy making idle chatter and doing absolutely nothing productive.
“Gods, would you LOOK at this place! It’s a MESS!” Undene groaned. “THIS is supposed to be the mansion meant for generation-defining heroes? Whoever that architect was should be FIRED!”
“Said individual is probably long dead by this point.” Trizee pointed out most unhelpfully.
“Well then, let’s hope he got fired before he died!” Undene hissed, her talons casually making deep grooves in the floor as she stomped about.

Usagi opened another cabinet- nothing but dust. There weren't even any valuable-looking artifacts to pilfer. Not even a valuable dish, or anything- what few dishes were left in here were cracked and useless. Probably just as well, if Rex found out, he’d probably try and confiscate them. Doesn’t he understand the old adage of ‘finders keepers’? Wonder if all the hobbits around took all the good stuff inside.

“Ooh, look what I found!” Undene gestured to a bottle of wine in one of the cabinets. “Trizee, can you help me open this?” Undene whined. “It’s too difficult for my delicate self to open.”
Usagi was incredulous. “You can say it’s because you don’t have hands, you know.”
“All right, mister four feet tall, maybe you can BUZZ OFF!” Undene snapped, before resuming her cute act for the bug man. I don’t know how Rex’s sister deals with her… I had quite enough of the haughtier types after Taka, thank you.
“My hands are yours, Duchess.” Trizee dug the claws on his hands into the cork, and yanked it out after a few attempts. I’m in agreement with Rex on this one, that is an unsettling habit. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.
“Thank you.” Undene paused for a second, before giving Trizee a peck on his smooth face before looking away and blushing. “I wonder what delightful flavors will be in here… hopefully something worthy of MY golden throat, I am PARCHED!” She paused and looked away. “Um, I might need help holding that.” Without a word, Trizee moved the neck of the wine bottle over to Undene’s mouth, and she began to gingerly sip at it.

And yet, somehow, I get left with the annoying ones. Why couldn’t I get paired off with the satyr? At least she has pipeweed, and doesn’t seem shy about sharing it.
Usagi nudged the bug man. “So… how’d you meet these ladies, anyway? Getting into a band of all women, that’s a dream come true for most. What kind of lines did you have to use to get in there?”
Trizee’s face looked just as inscrutable as ever, not betraying a hint of his feelings, not helped by his monotone. “Why would I need to resort to such roundabout methods? They were the ones who pursued me. I would never have even considered such a path if they hadn’t shown me how fulfilling it could be.”
Usagi shrugged. “Oh, I’m sure it’s fulfilling indeed…”
“BLEGH!” Undene spat out the wine in the bottle. “Oh… Oh, that is ROTTEN!” She hacked like a cat trying to get rid of a stubborn hairball. Usagi knew, he’d been around Fuku and Khan long enough to get well acquainted with that… delightful noise.
“Let me see that.” Usagi looked at the bottle. “Well, no wonder it’s awful. It’s dated to Year 99. That’s over 900 years old! I’m surprised it hasn’t turned into unholy waste by this point.”
“Agh! I’m gonna get sick! Do you have a healing potion?!” Undene gasped.
Usagi shook his head. “No. But unless that wine was poisoned, you probably have nothing to worry about- that’s just vinegar.”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, UNLESS IT WAS POISONED?!” Undene raged, her feathers well and truly ruffled.
Trizee took an experimental slurp from the bottle, whipping out a very long proboscis to do so. Oh. No wonder they’re so enamored with him, that looks… interesting. “It does not seem to be any different than simple vinegar, albeit very old. You will most likely be fine. The taste does leave something to be desired, however.”
“You don’t say…” Undene stuck her tongue out, spitting out the last remnants of the offending fluid. “This is an embarrassment. An EMBARRASSMENT!”
Usagi couldn’t wait to get out of this mansion. Somehow, he was even missing Rex’s company compared to the haughty siren before him.

As Rex made his way forward up the stairs, he was keeping an eye out for any potential dangers. He’d been attacked too many times over the last few days to let his paranoid side rest.
Unfortunately, Rarity did not share his level of care for the proceedings. “Move, you’re too slow.” His sister shoved him out of the way and speedily tromped her way up, followed by Shaya. Rarity always walked faster than him- both due to her longer legs, and not having to carry around heavy armor all the time. At times, he envied her choice of attire- not getting into fights constantly meant she could afford to dress a bit more leisurely.

Not that he’d want to dress as skimpily as her. That isn’t a skirt anymore, that’s practically an undergarment! But plate armor did occasionally get tiring to wear.

At the top of the stairs was a hallway. Most of the doors were stuck or otherwise inaccessible, but one was open. There was a nameplate on the door, but it was too rusted to read. Oh, I dearly hope this is Imperius’ room. There might be some ancestral gift inside!
Sadly, however, it was just as much of a mess inside as it was outside. All that was here was a ratty-looking bed, a desk, and a bookshelf fully stocked with dusty tomes. And the obligatory cobwebs.

“Oh, my.” Shaya muttered. “This place has certainly seen better days, indeed. And no child in sight.” She shrugged. “I wonder if that missing girl’s actually in here…”
“This place is probably full of rooms that no one has been in in years. It’s an ideal place to hide someone and leave them for dead.” Rarity said, seemingly uncaring of how cold that statement sounded.

“Well, have fun. I wouldn’t be very useful to your search anyway, my head’s always in the clouds!” Shaya giggled. Shaya leaned up against the bookshelf, casually pulling out a pipe. Snapping her fingers, a small flame popped into existence on it, lighting the herbs inside.
Rex was not impressed. A cloud of your own making, perhaps.

“Don’t- don’t light that in here! What if you set this whole place ablaze?!” Rex snapped.
“Oh, that’d only happen in a freak accident. Besides, it’s magic fire, I can turn it off.” Shaya giggled, before coughing a bit of smoke directly in Rex’s face. “Oops, sorry ‘bout that.”
Rex sighed exhaustedly, and began inspecting the room. Unfortunately, there was very little of importance here. Either Imperius hadn’t left anything for his descendants to procure, or somebody had stolen whatever was left.
“So, still haven’t managed to find a proper queen, hm?” Rarity smirked, derailing his concentration.
“I- I have other priorities! Like trying to get the kingdom back in the first place! Heirs can wait!” Rex stammered.
“You know you can always ask your big sister for help.” Rarity chuckled. “I’ve got experience with women for days-”
Forgive me, but my responsibilities are a bit higher than simply finding people to share a bed with. “I appreciate the offer, but I currently have a lot more on my mind than simple companionship. Like restoring my honor!” Rex said.
Rarity shrugged. “Honor is overrated. If you spend your entire life chasing it and forget to have fun, you might collapse from exhaustion.” I don’t want to hear that from YOU, who abandoned the throne and left it for me to take!

“I think I’ll be fine, thank you.” Rex growled, trying to send the message that he didn’t want to be having this conversation- before a loud crash sent his heart racing! Rex whirled around, nearly jumping out of his scales! “What in the- what was that?!”
The bookshelf had been utterly destroyed, with a guilty-looking satyr standing next to the wreckage. “Uh… I leaned too hard against it. My bad.” She nervously ran her hands through her curly hair.

Rarity sighed. “Really, you should be more careful. This place is practically falling apart at the seams already. Who knows what could set it off.” She turned to Rex. “Though, that was a lovely high note, little brother. Didn’t know you had it in you. Perhaps you should pursue the musical arts after all.”
“Hmph. I was merely startled, that’s all!” Rex huffed. “And you had better hope that no minions of the Empire are lurking around here, lest we get in even bigger trouble!”
“You say that like it’s been happening to you often.” Rarity snorted, before raising her scaly brow in a show of concern. “Wait, has it?”
“The road to restoring our kingdom’s glory does not come easily, my sister.” Rex growled, trying to maintain what little shreds of dignity he had left- and hoping she wouldn’t try to grill him about the details later. He looked around. The bookshelf had splintered instantly when it fell, sending scraps of wood and disused tomes everywhere.

Rex scanned the pile of detritus for anything of interest- and something stuck out. One book that seemed in much better condition than all the others, as if the elements had kept away from this specific one.

There was a familiar logo on that book- the crest of the Gaian Empire- several concentric circles, supposedly meant to represent how everything in the universe was connected by an unseen force. Or some nonsense like that. A… Gaian Codex? It looks extremely old.
From what he remembered from his studies, it was filled with poppycock about how the Prophet Gaius was the one true leader of the world. Before, he’d dismissed it as religious drivel. Since the fall of Dragonia, however, the ramblings had taken on a new and terrifying meaning. They were quite serious about crushing those they deemed lesser. And that definition kept broadening every year.
Of course Gaius was one of the Heroes that sealed the Archdevil, and that was worthy of praise indeed. But by all accounts he was just a man… and yet, the order he’d spawned was now a globe-spanning empire worshipping him as a god and calling heresy on anyone who disagreed. Something was off about the whole thing.

What is this? Rex cracked open the ancient tome, brushing a fine layer of dust off the yellowed pages. Rex started flipping through- and quickly, things jumped out at him that were unfamiliar.
Preaching kindness and forgiveness, acceptance of all… and nothing about ‘purity’ or ‘false gods’. Not even a single mention of heresy anywhere. That doesn’t sound like the Gaian Empire I know, that crushes their enemies with the strongest military force in the world. Who wrote this?

He flipped to the first page of the book. It read, “Words from the Prophet- Wisdom for Everyday Life. Written by Gaius.” Rex had trouble believing what he was seeing. Gaius? The same Gaius that’s currently manning the force that’s trying to conquer the world?! In school, people said that Gaius was supposed to be the picture of virtue and selflessness- but that clashed badly with the actions of the Empire he currently manned.
This is naught but religious drivel. Rex contemplated hurling the tome out the window in a fit of rage, but instead he stuffed the book in his pocket. He didn’t know why, but he felt like it was important. Perhaps he could sell it as an antique later, if nothing else.

Oh, gods, I’m turning into the others. Grabbing anything that’s not nailed down just in case it’s important… What has my life come to?

Meanwhile, Rarity was busy looting the desk, having found an interesting few pieces of paper. “Oh my. Love letters for great-grandmother? This should be interesting. ‘You are the burning ember that lights my soul…’ Ooh, smooth indeed.”
And, I think that is my cue to move on to the next room! Quickly, Rex left the room so he wouldn’t have to hear those. He’d already been exposed to too much information about Imperius when his great-grandmother visited. Especially when she was drunk.
The less he knew about how he stacked up to his ancestor- in more ways than one- the better.

Usagi and the others had entered a study on the first floor- after all, if any place was likely to have something interesting inside, it was there. His thief’s intuition told him so. That, and the lock on the door that he’d expertly managed to pick open. It just had a desk, an empty bookshelf, and piles of nondescript papers everywhere.
“Ugh, there’s nothing in here. Just a mess.” Undene grumbled. “Somebody needs to organize their stuff better.”
“The ravages of time and looting have no doubt left this place in even bigger disarray than before.” Trizee said in his usual monotone.

“Watch and learn, you two. All is not always as it seems… especially when it comes to hidden treasure.” Usagi rubbed his hands and began inspecting the room thoroughly. After all, the Prophet Gaius stayed here at some point. Surely someone as ‘pure’ as him must have a few things he’d wish to keep safe, hm? But all he could find were meaningless notes about, ironically, the meaning of life and other such topics.

“This is DREADFULLY boring. I wonder if the others are having more fun than we are.” In a fit of annoyance, Undene kicked the pile of papers by the desk, and suddenly recoiled in pain. “OW!! I nearly broke a talon from that! Who put that there?!”
“Oh dear. Let me take a look at that.” Trizee was already on his hands and knees, inspecting her left foot. “There do not seem to be any broken bones. You should probably take care not to kick random objects, though.”
“Yeah, um, thanks.” Undene pouted. “Now stand up before you look someplace you shouldn’t!” Methinks the lady doth protest too much… then again, given his compound eyes, I have no idea where he could be looking.
Usagi moved over to where she was standing, and something stuck out- a large metal box, peeking out from the papers she’d just scattered. “Oh my, what do we have here?” Usagi rubbed his hands together. A safe. Well, it won’t be safe when I’m done with it. Heh. 

As he brushed a few scraps of paper away, something jumped out of the pile!

“AGH! IT’S AN UGLY BUG!!” Undene jumped into Trizee’s arms with a most unseemly squawk. “EEK!! A- oh.” It was simply a normal spider. “I- um. Put me down! And, um, I wasn’t talking about you either.”

Trizee didn’t seem to be fazed by the remark. He was probably used to such a temperament. “There is a world of difference between lower insects and myself. No offense is taken.”

Hm. Hope she gets a look at Arandia eventually, that would certainly be amusing to watch. Usagi began inspecting the safe, trying to figure out the best way inside. It was a combination lock- but with his sensitive ears, he was more skilled than most at breaking into those. “This’ll only be a moment.”
“Is there not something important in there? Perhaps we should inform either of our leaders first.” Trizee said. A bit of a killjoy, aren’t you?