Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I finish reading your letters, your memories, the pieces of you that you have deemed me worthy of reading and I am breathless. I put down the PADD and pass both my hands on my face before grabbing the armrests of my chair and taking a deep breath. And then another. Then one more.

Just like I used to tell you to do.

But can you blame my sudden panic? I have always wanted to know this. You. Your past, your emotions. All the things that make you, you. Since the moment when you placed your strong hands on my shoulders, I knew I had to know what was behind that prim and proper façade. You were the most interesting subject to study, a piece of research so alluring that I couldn't stay away, no matter how many times I slammed my face against a wall or a closed door.

And suddenly, this. Everything.

What made you send this to me?

Are you unwell? In pain? In danger?

I close my fingers on the armrests, feeling the texture of the wood. You know I have a vivid, backstabbing imagination that is already spiraling out of control as it shows me memories of when I was helping you through your withdrawal symptoms and twists them with the added fear that perhaps you might be dying but you haven't told me to spare my sanity.

Are you obfuscating things again, Elim? I hope not, I really hope not because this just means too much to me and thinking that it might not real freeze me.

At least I know you are not alone. The passage about the Cardassian doctor helping you at your worst, broken and crying in the mud, hurt. Hurt because I have seen that depression, I know what it means and I would never want you to feel that again.

But it also hurt because ... .because... .damn it all to hell, I wanted to be that Doctor! You were my patient first, my….

Yes, what are you to me?

A fellow DS9 inhabitant? Someone I had lunch with?

A colleague during the most defining moments of my life?

A friend?

A lover?

I stand up and start to pace around the room, rubbing my hand on my face at regular intervals. We had never clarified how things were between, never dare to make that final move. Is it not done on Cardassia? Am I being the usual, direct human who couldn't notice subtlety even if it slammed him in the face?

Maybe.

And yet if it had been so, if that was the only reason, you would have been at great pains to make sure I knew, starting one of our usual arguments that you seemed to enjoy so much.

That I enjoyed so much.

“Damn,” I hissed to myself stopping at my desk, my eyes roaming around the smooth surface but not focusing on anything because all I can see are memories. Flashes of a time when….when….

“When I was happy,” I murmur to myself.

And I know that you were too.

After all, We understand each other, you and I. I always knew that, but now, with the weight of your memories sitting quietly on my chest, I am even more sure. You and I know the pain of all the things that were done to us against our will, even though you will never admit it. You and I know what it means to have to live with the constraints imposed on us by someone else.

And the warmth of that knowledge washes over me.

I turn around to look again at that PADD, forcing myself to not rush back to it to read it all over again once more. An instinct fights within me. I want to make a list of all the people that have hurt you and bring them to face the justice they deserve.

But the Dominion and the war have done that for me. What a strange turn of events, to think of something positive that came from such terrible events.

I think back about your descriptions of how things are going on Cardassia. There is so much love in those words. You accused me before of being ever the optimist, mocking the hope that, these days in particular, eludes me too. And yet you are the hopeful one, you are the one that, after all, still has love for a place that has hurt you so often. You will argue that it's not hope, it's a sense of duty to your home world and all of that. You can call it what you will, it's your prerogative, but I will call it hope.

My mind moves to some silly thoughts. I wonder what you would have been if you had been human. Perhaps a poet, a writer, finally having the chance to express that sentiment that lives with you, even after all your attempts to swallow it and destroy it. Don't try to deny it, I have seen it, and you have felt it. Why would you feel so much despair, so much rage and so much love otherwise?

Or maybe you would have just continued to be a gardener, making every environment beautiful with an explosion of colors, making people happy.

Perhaps we would have gotten together straight away. Perhaps right now we would be married, with a couple of adopted children running around a house immersed in a green, lush countryside where you could experiment with plants to your heart's content.

“Idiot,” I tell myself, wiping away the bright smile that, without me realizing it, has opened on my face at the thought.

Suddenly, it all makes sense.

I need to see you.

My mind races forward, trying to think of all the possible ways to get to you. There are not many, let me reassure you, travel to Cardassia is heavily guarded at the moment, but perhaps as a doctor I might be able to pull on some strings and come and give you and your people a hand with the rebuilding process.

Should I tell you? Should I send you a message to say that I am on my way and that we will see each other again soon?

No. If I know you well enough, you would try to persuade me not to come. You would say something along the lines of, It is awfully kind of you, my dear doctor, but it is most unnecessary, we can deal with this situation without you having to abandon the good people of Deep Space Nine.

It will have to be a surprise.

Yes, yes, I will keep it a secret and come to visit you, hoping that you will not close the door on my face.

No, you wouldn't do that.

You will laugh at me, call me an emotional human, making fun of my natural, mammalian instinct. But I know that your eyes will tell me something different. They always did.

The crumbs are scattered all around you used to tell me.

My friends will tell me it's crazy, especially Miles. He will claim I have finally lost my mind, that I can't just leave everything and rush to a Cardie who left me after leading me on for so long. But he doesn't know what this means. He doesn't know what it means to be me.

But you do.

I will be with you soon.

Doctor Parmak, please take care of him for me.

Months pass, but that's the thing with being stubborn to a fault, I can hold on to my idea till I see it through.

And finally, finally I am on a transport to your home.

The closer I get, the faster my heart speeds. A part of me takes in the surrounding, the dust you mentioned. I can see how everything here echoes of destruction and death. Yet, as I walk closer I see your father's shed, your actual if not your biological father, the one who cared for you, not Tain. And, all around it, a garden. And in the middle of it, bent down to attend to the brave plants growing in amongst the destruction, I see you. My first instinct is to rush to you, shout with all the happiness I feel swelling in my heart. But I am older now, wiser, and I know that I need to take this chance to enjoy this moment, to see you unguarded, focused on something you enjoy, something that was not ordered or imposed on you by the will of others but by the love of a man who I wish was still here with us, a father who both you and I deserved.

I thank him silently for what he did for you, trying with what little scope he had to counter balance Tain.

And then I take a step forward. I thought I was being stealthy enough but, as you straighten yourself up immediately, I was wrong.

You see me.

Your eyes widen.

You look positively mesmerized my dear Elim. I wonder for a moment if you are thinking that you are seeing a ghost conjured up by the dust around us.

“Doctor?’

And I smile as I step forward.

“It's me,” I say, my face flushing like a bloody teenager, my whole body sweating under your piercing, still distrustful scrutiny. And then, swallowing back my nerve, I shout “Surprise!”

It's then, right as I finally let my optimism, my joy at being alive and here with you finally show, that you smile back at me. I have never seen that smile before, so open, so bright.

So vulnerable.

You put your tools down, and we both step forward towards one another, getting so close that I am sure you can almost feel my pesky human heat near you. But you don't seem to mind.

Have you missed my human heat? Have you ever imagined it in your bed, with you, warming you up?

“What are you doing here?” You ask me, your voice slightly raspy.

There are so many ways I could answer that question. That I love you, that I missed you so much that walking around the Promenade has proven physically painful at times. That I want to be with you for the rest of my life. You will tell me I am an emotional, irrational human, optimistic to a fault and far too kind for my own good.

But there is no shame in that.

This is who I am. This is me and I am giving myself to you now that you have done the same for me.

I always knew you were the braver one between us.

So I close the distance between us and hug you as tightly as I can and I tell you one thing that it's more important than any others.

“Thank you.”

Your body stiffens under my hands. You know why I am thanking you, you knew full well what the letters mean to me. When you finally relax under my touch, I feel relieved too.

Suddenly, we are forehead to forehead, breathing each other in.

“You sentimental human,” you say, that bright smile still on your face.

“I knew you would say that!” I say. I can't help it, I burst out laughing, with a happiness that I haven't felt for such a long time.

There is more to say, more to share and talk about, but neither one of us is ready to let go just yet.

Chapter Text

I could stay here forever. Standing in this garden that defies everything with your arms wrapped around me, your fingers digging into the fabric of my very being.

It feels as if we are getting to know each other for the first time. There are no more secrets, no more barriers, no more ideals and youthful fantasies. There is just you and me. We have seen each other at our worst, and now we both know all the sordid details of each other’s past.

We both know the depth of the loneliness of the other. It connects us, in a way. But it's through this very loneliness that we will not be alone anymore.

I promise you, Elim. You will not feel lonely again, as long as I have a say in it.

“Are you-'” I almost don't recognise your voice. I love your voice, I always found it intriguing, strong. Delightful. Now, instead, your confidence is shattered. Your voice is a broken murmur, heavy with a pain the depth of which you are slowly starting to heal.

My heart leaps at the thought of how privileged I feel for being able to share this moment with you.

I feel your face shifting, almost as if you are trying to hide in the nook of my neck.

The insane thought of wanting to do just that, to keep you hidden in myself and protected from all evil wraps itself around my heart. I hug you even tighter.

“Are you….how long are you going to stay?”

I try to gently coax you to look up because I need to see your eyes before I say what I’m about to say. But you don't budge, you stubborn Cardassian.

I understand, it's too much for me too, but I am used to sentiment. It must be so much harder for you.

I bring a hand to the back of your head, gently caressing your dark hair. I don't miss the barely there sigh that comes out of you, a little tension hopefully leaving your body.

“What's your real question, Elim?” I say, pushing out the words through a suddenly parched throat.

Will you take my bait?

I feel your lips opening in a smile against the naked skin of my neck. A simple, sweet gesture that sends electricity flying through my body. Do you know that, Elim?

“Always searching for the truth, aren't you? Those pesky Federations values-”

I finally get you to lift your head, or, much more likely, you allow me to do that.

Forehead to forehead.

“You wouldn’t have me any other way.”

“No, no I wouldn't,” you say, smiling. “My dear Chulian.”

I have never had the experience of crying out of happiness. I have always been one for smiles and jubilation. And yet now, as I laugh my joy out to a dead world, my eyes burn with tears of happiness.

It's the first time you have ever called me by my first name in your language.

I want to hear more of your sounds, of your language.

I want to break down that barrier too.

“Are you staying, my dear Chulian?

I will never admit how often I have dreamt about this moment. Of hearing you calling me by my name. Of you asking me, directly, no subterfuge, no obfuscation, just a plain and simple Cardassian man asking a plain and simple human male to live the rest of their lives together.

Yet reality is so much better than anything I had imagined.

Here, in your garden, forehead to forehead, I can see eternity.

“Yes, yes!” I say, my voice loud in the quietness of the world around us. But I can hardly contain myself. “I am staying!”

Judging by your reaction, you might have dreamt of this too. Your breathing is a little faster, and your pupils are dilated just enough for me to notice. When I lick my lips, your laser focused eyes watch every moment of my body. Is it my wishful thinking of are your scales flushing just a darker shade of blue? Your fingers dig just a little more into my back, to the brink of pain and pleasure.

I want to just push you against the shed and kiss you senseless. A part of me is screaming for me to do just that, to take what is rightfully mine.

Why am I making this harder for myself?

Then, in pure Cardassian style, you find something to argue about. Something that my human side had not even considered.

“My dear, the letters I sent you where not meant to manipulate you into coming here. I can't accept a sacrifice of this magnitude, condemning you to a life in privation. You could go any-”

I can't take it anymore. I crash our lips together with rush of passion flowing through my veins. You respond in kind, surging against me, your solid body a rock against mine.

I let myself grow demanding, pushing for access that is quickly granted.

“You stubborn, obstinate Cardassian! You don't know how long I have been waiting for this, how long I have wished for the wall between us to be destroyed so that we could be together properly, and-”

This time you are the one to attack, pushing me against the wall of the shed and crushing our lips together again. Your hands roam down my sides, coming to roughly grab my ass, and I can't to anything but arching my back, pushing myself harder against your touch. You are feeling me, almost as if I was a piece of cloth you are judging the value of.

I can feel how aroused you are. And I know that you can feel my erection push against you.

I am as hard as a rock.

Then, your hands stop and your voice is back. This time, your strength is back.

“Come, let me bring you somewhere more private.”

And I follow.

Chapter Text

The door closes behind us and the energy changes as you lead me to your bed. I am burning to touch you, a desire that has been laying dormant inside of my body for so long now screaming inside of me to touch you with everything I have. I want to take all those layers off your body. I want to see you naked under the broken sky of your burnt down Cardassia.

But you stop me.

I want to protest, say something, but your blue eyes pin me on the spot, and my mind is silent, just like when, years ago, you put your hands on my shoulders for the first time.

And all my words get stuck in my throat.

Dr Bashir rendered speechless. Do you know that you are the only being able to do that so effortlessly?

You place an open hand on the naked skin of my neck, searching for my pulse. I lean into the touch, my skin reacting at the pressure. I see your gaze laser focus on it, as if you are studying it, taking your time in your exploration as you let each digit gently dig in.

I know we are different, so, so different, but I hope you find me as beautiful as I find you.

Unable to resist, I copy your movement, placing my hand on your neck, feeling your neck ridges, their texture under my skin.

You gasp, am the sound going straight to my groin.

“Sensitive?” I ask, hoping for a jovial tone but my voice is hoarse.

“Very,” you say, looking at me with hooded eyes.

Damn, I have always loved those piercing eyes of yours, how they could pin me on the spot with a glance.

I need to be strong now.

“But surely you knew that already, doctor,” you say, kissing me on my lips quickly, before murmuring in my ear. “The question is, how sensitive is this soft skin of yours?”

And then you are there, nuzzling, feeling my scent before slowly, languidly kissing me over and over again setting me on fire.

Are you savoring me like a bottle of the best kanar?

I like to think so as my back arches, my body seeking more contact with yours as my skin burns under your touch.

“I knew you would have the most delectable taste,” you murmur, your voice entering my body and mind.

It's too much.

“Don't say stuff like that,” I manage to say.

I don't think I could stand more compliments, more praises.

“Why ever not? Shouldn't a man be able to appreciate beauty?”

My words die in my throat. I want to tell you that I don't deserve praises because damn, if I had been stronger, if I had been braver, we could have had this before, we could have-

But would you have let me in so close on DS9?

Would we have screwed everything up if we had pursued this?

Are we able to finally have these because we are both finally free?

You suddenly take my hand and kiss my knuckles before looking up, saying, “My dear, come back to me.”

My eyes burn and my chest tightens in all the right ways. You know me so well. It should scare me, but it doesn't.

Your clever hands snake under my tunic, caressing the skin of my stomach before helping me pull it up. We are both breathing heavily as you gently push my shoulder, the meaning clear. And damn, yes, I want to lay down for you, I want you to look at me and see something, someone, who you can love, trust, live together and everything in between.

But first, I need to see you too. My hands are shaking as I bring them to the hem of your tunic and thug a little.

“Please,”

You kiss me fiercely, your hands gripping my sides.

Forehead to forehead, you say, “You never have to beg me for anything, my dear Chulian.” And you swiftly remove your tunic, letting me see your body as your scales darken to a beautiful blue. I can't stop myself, my hands are on you before I can think twice about it. I touch everything I can reach, delighting in all the quiet sounds I draw out of you. As I bite your neck, you hiss.

“And you never have to be quiet again,” I say, buzzing at your neck, just like you did with me earlier.

Human smell is not as strong as a Cardassian’s, but I know that this is now my favorite scent.

“Sounds like a challenge my dear,” you say, finally pushing me against the bed. You straddle me and I don't know how I am still holding onto my sanity as your legs brush against my hard cock, my erection straining at my trouser.

Are you wet, Elim, or is it just my filthy imagination?

You kiss down the length of my body, focusing an inordinate amount of time on my nipples, licking them, sucking them, rolling them between your fingers. I arch against you, my cock rubbing against your legs and now I know full well that you are indeed wet for me already.

You are not everted yet though. Why are you holding back?

I have no time or mental capacity to ask you as your clever hands precede me again, taking my shoes off before tugging at the hem of my trousers.

You look up at me, your eyes burning with so much desire that I have to plant my nails in my palms to keep my mind clear. You are asking for permission to continue. I nod, emphatically, a litany of yes, please, Elim, rolling out of me. You finally tug both my trousers and underwear down. With one smooth movement, I am finally completely naked under your eyes.

“My dear,” you say, your hands caressing my legs, feeling the reactions of my skin. My heart is thundering, beating fast in my ribcage. “You are so beautiful.”

“Elim,” I call your name because my mind is silent. All that is left of me is the fire consuming each part of my body.

You move away just long enough to take your trousers off too.

You are glorious, Elim, finally all everted and wet, your desire a mirror of mine.

When you come back to the bed, you open my legs wide and trail kisses on my inner thighs. You are torturing me, my dear Elim, and I can't stop myself from thinking that you are enjoying this sweetest of torture and I pant and move under your ministrations. When you finally take my straining cock into your mouth, I scream your name.

With what little strength I have left I look down between my thighs, finding you looking back at me, aware, keeping an eye for any reactions you might see. My cheeks burn.

Fuck.

You start to move again, giving attention to the head of my cock, before taking it all in your mouth. Your tongue is licking me, tasting me, sending shudders of pleasure all through my body.

How do you know exactly what to do? How are you making me see the stars just like that?

“Have you been with a human before?”

You leave my straining member so close to orgasm to move up to where I lay. It's when you look at me with eyes burning with desire that I realize that I have said that out loud.

“Yes,” you confess, and I know it's the truth. Then, as you cup my right cheek, you murmur, “But never with one I have longed for since the moment I met him.”

Something breaks deep down inside of me at hearing you say that. A wave of warmth washes over my heart as I can't stop myself from smiling so much it hurts.

You longed for me. So did I. But I kept running and running and I am so sorry for all the time we have wasted. I know you would tell me something clever now, something like we are here now, my dear, stop fussing about what could have been.

God, I love you, every shade of you, even the Elim Garak living in my head.

As a tear, then another, rolls down from the corner of my eyes to the pillow, I don't know what to think, feel, say anymore. I just know that I have never been so overwhelmingly happy.

You wipe my tears away with the pad of your thumb.

“Are you alright, my dear?”

I nod furiously, words still escaping me but I know you need to hear my words too. I have never been good with them, always too many of them coming out all at once, too fast. But I need to tell you my truth, without artifice, without masks.

“I love you too,” I say, looking straight into your eyes.

A heartbeat passes.

Are you evaluating my truth? The danger behind it?

Do you still think that sentiment is weakness?

A heartbeat and I have my answer, as you kiss me fiercely, pushing me against the bed as you surge, your body almost wanting to merge with mine. I see you wet your hands with your own slick and the thought of what is coming makes me almost come like that, on the spot.

As you line a finger with my entrance, I almost push myself onto it, the need burning from the inside out. When you breach me, we both pant. Pain and pleasure curse through me, unstoppable. I feel you gently exploring me, touching me as if I am a precious please of cloth.

Perhaps I am, for you.

Another finger follows the first as you start scissoring them, stretching me open. I have seen you, you are thick and long, but I will take you inside of me if it is the last thing I do with my life.

I have always known that you would be the death of me, Elim Garak.

“Chulian,” you say my name. Your scales are so blue, your pupils so dilated. Is it your sensitive fingers? What is the heat of my body doing to them?

“Elim, I need you,” I finally say, because it's too much. I know I can't last much longer and I can't come before I feel you inside of me. You kiss me once more before you finally line yourself up with my entrance and push in.

Pain. Pleasure. My body and mind are full of you. Of us.

You wrap yourself around me, holding me tight as you bottom out.

Are you crying and laughing too?

Because I am, I am, I am.

I hold onto your back as you pick up the pace, faster and faster because neither of us can hold much longer.

When you wrap your hand around my cock and start pumping it in time with your thrusts, pleasure spikes inside of me, washing over everything else that ever was and ever will be. I call your name once more as my vision becomes all white for a moment as I come between our bodies, marking us.

I feel you thrusting in me three, four, five more times till you finally come, your spent flooding inside of me, claiming me.

You collapse on top of me, your body a welcome weight as I hold you tight.

“My Chulian,” I hear you say, your voice softer, relaxed.

I cup your cheek and, forehead to forehead, I whisper against your lips, “I love you, Elim.”