Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Good timezone to you, fellow reader. 

I am starting this fanfiction with an Author's Note, because there is a couple things I need to clarify before getting into this. 

First off, this is a work of fiction, and it's not meant to reach the people mentioned here. I need to make this extra clear because, despite this being a fanfic site, some people cannot be trusted to have half a braincell to understand the line between fiction and reality. This being said, the versions of people depicted in this work are fictionalized. I tried to grab the main attributes these people display in public, or at least on interviews, stage shows and videos, and develop them as best as I could. I am not in a lot of these musicians' fandoms, so I apologize if a depiction is not ideal. 

This work is based off a book called FantasticLand, by Mike Bockoven, which follows a similar premise and format, but it's about staff of an amusement park trapped after a hurricane. Please go read it. I personally enjoyed it a lot, and I think you will too, if you like survival horror like I do. It's way gorier and darker than this, though, so be warned. 

Some might argue with me and say "oh but writing this about real artists, murdering each other, you must want to see them dead, that's so morbid, you should be ashamed of yourself" or "I'm so sure they wouldn't do that", but here's the thing - survival changes us as people. And we can't be sure about how artists will react to different settings, because they don't respond to our fantasies most of the time. They are just human beings, and no human being is perfect or free of sin. I am not writing this for the sake of writing people killing each other or seeing people die in cruell ways. I am writing this because I saw the premise of the book and I thought it looked like a stunt the EBU could pull, considering the disaster of this year. It's like the most extreme bad ending to Eurovision you can imagine. 

There will be things you don't like. I assure you that, no matter how much gore or horror you can take. But remember - you chose to click on this link, you chose to read the story, and I will NOT change it just because you don't like something. This whole thing took me almost two months to write and I'm not about to change my work for the whims of strangers on the internet. You will read it, if you like it, you'll leave kudos or comments, if you don't, well, thanks for giving me a chance, hope you find something more fitting to your taste, just close the tab and don't say anything. Rude? Maybe. But I am seriously not going to deal with this. I am studying law, looking out for my dad who's sick, and other things, and I barely have time to think about writing, so I won't give time to hatred either. 

Without further ado, please enjoy this ride, and if you've read this, please write the word "catastrophic" in your first comment ever, no matter the context. I'll keep an eye on the handles and I have a good memory!

Let's get this on.

(P.s: Yes, I suffered a lot writing this. I've cried re-reading this work. So be ready, once again.)

Chapter Text

The following document is a compendium of interviews that were made to survivors from the Ragnarok Hailstorm in the Lapland region of Sweden, meant to complement the theoretical analysis of human nature’s tendency for savagery and ethical distortion during climate catastrophes and its contrast with fame and celebrity status, for a final thesis project for a Psychology degree. I have been extensively asked and questioned about my purpose for pursuing this investigation, and whether it's appropriate, considering the timeframe of events. I did this because I have been an avid Eurovision watcher since I was a child, and the topic is recent enough for me to do an investigation for my thesis project and try to shed light on topics that haven’t yet been talked about in the media. The process of booking interviews and doing them has been extensive, and carefully curated with the help of licensed professionals, to ensure respect for the privacy of the interviewees and delimit how far the questions can go in means of acquiring information in order to take their mental health into account first and foremost.

The interviewees are singers who survived the Eurovision Tragedy that took place in November 2024 through January 2025. On November 27th, just one week before the event called Eurovision 2020’s Winter Party was to take place in the Lapland Region of Sweden, the worst hailstorm in the history of the country hit the place where the artists had been established for the past weeks in rehearsals and a paid holiday. The complex of buildings was located approximately 200 kilometers away from the nearest city, and all the roads were blocked by snow. It took the Swedish Army rescue teams approximately 60 days to get to the place, and when they finally did, what they found was straight out of a nightmare. Dead bodies, some of them left to freeze in the snow, contestants and crew covered in blood, ransacked rooms and improvised weapons on the floor, and some survivors who couldn’t even believe that they were being rescued, going into mass hysteria or with shattered sanity. 

When I first caught wind of the news, the first emotion that came to me was rage. After the violent whirlwind that the 2024 contest was, and no real changes made to either the organization or the contest itself, why would anyone expect an event hosted by the EBU, in the same year, to turn out well? Though, I have to admit, it’s true that an event like this was unprecedented and something that nobody had foreseen - which is why the storm was nicknamed the Ragnarok. Hailstorms of such magnitude hadn’t hit in a long time, even when Sweden is a country known to have several inches of snowfall in winter. 

Then, there came the worry. According to reports done by the Swedish Army, there were at least two hundred dead and another fifty injured people, amongst crew and singers. When people found out about the incidents inside the facilities, which were only describable as dystopian, barbaric events, everyone was baffled at the amount of atrocities that took place in a span of 60 days. How could professional singers, of such a high reputation, have turned to murder against their own kind? We all saw friendships, love, and a true show of solidarity on the last three editions of the contest, so where did it all go wrong? Is this what true human nature is like?

Despite the concern and the genuine feelings of despair, there was also a second reaction, which was the inappropriate lightheartedness and insensitive jokes. Quizzes about “Which building would you belong in”, hate comments and memes about what happened, people justifying murders and downplaying the experience, and cheap gossip and rumors, also started swarming the internet. The suffering of human beings was also turned into a circus, something to attack behind the comfort of anonymity.  This phenomenon, while infuriating, it’s also interesting to investigate. Why do people choose to make such a crude interpretation of events and distort them in such a terrible way?

Some countries have had their losses, massive funerals and mental health programs were put in place as soon as it was possible for the ones who were still alive to go back home. The tragic story of Marcus and Martinus made rounds around the world, just to name one example. And it’s clear that the EBU is now torn apart, between those who think that the contest should still happen on a later date, and those who think that we should not host the event in at least one year, to pay respects to the memories of those who lost their lives. Many National Finals have been canceled as a result of the rescues and the aftermath, so there are no real contestants this year, but the EBU has still to release a full statement about the status of the contest.

The general public is torn as well. Some talk about human instincts and how this was only the natural thing to happen. Others have pointed their fingers at singers from certain countries, some of which are still in legal battles or already incarcerated for things they have already confessed to. I am not going to take a stance about it, not because I do not care, but because as a journalist, it is my goal to remain the most neutral and honest. This investigation is about events, not about stigmatization, whether deserved or not. Regardless, at the end of my investigation you can find mental health and charity resources. If you want to find my stance, you can do so there.

When I approached some of the survivors, who very gracefully allowed me to have some of their time to tell me their account of the facts personally or via video chat, I made it very clear that the data utilized in my thesis wasn’t going to be given or sold to any media outlet, so if you see this investigation or any of the interviews making rounds in television or any massive social media, please do let me know so I can take proper legal action and take them down. I don’t really want to capitalize on this massacre or contribute to the sensationalism that is already eating Europe alive. What happened was a disgrace, and some of these singers have already retired from music due to the trauma of having to kill or be killed. I do not want to put the burden on them anymore. It isn’t fair nor morally acceptable - we are all humans, and I am sure they want to get over this as much as we all didn’t want this to happen. But only time will be able to tell if the mental scars will heal or if they will continue to open and seep over time. 

There are some countries that have no interviews attached to them, because the survivors were not accepting interviews at the time. I did try to keep the interviews as narrative as possible, by omitting to include the questions asked and reformulating the answers to make them easier to read. Some of them were translated from their native language, not by me, but by friends who are natives and assisted me in the interview process. It is not easy to resort to English when talking about traumatic events when it’s not your first language, and I did want to keep the testimonies as authentic as possible. As you read through them, please do keep in mind that these are human beings, and as much as we idolize them, at the end of the day they only did what they must to ensure their survival in dire situations. If you wish for the original recordings, documents and transcripts, my contact information is available at the end of this project. 

Without further ado, let’s begin. 

Chapter Text

Four months have passed since the rescue operations ceased and everyone, or what remained of them, made it back to their home countries. It’s a grim day to remember for every single one of us. Nobody imagines what kind of things might happen in this chaotic world. I was told not even the best meteorologists in Sweden were prepared for a storm of this magnitude, so there was nothing we could have done a whole lot about in the end.

When the event and its preparations were set to take place in Sweden, during such a complicated weather time as December is, we were aware that there were risks. The upper ranks consulted with an extensive team, composed of meteorologists, cartographers, architects, and a very complete set of experts that ensured that it would all go smoothly, even devising a contingency plan, which we later learned wasn’t enough to ensure long term survival, unfortunately. The main idea for this event was to make up for how much of a disaster this year’s competition had been, and to set up hype for the next year. It was planned by the end of June, and put into motion by the beginning of August, when we started contacting the management teams of the artists we wanted to include. As you might have noticed, they were mostly fan favorites from the 2020’s decade. There were negotiations put in place and they took their time, but we finally managed to get a roster we were happy with. 

The job was done extra quickly, with a clear focus on ensuring that the place where the artists would be preparing themselves, what you could call the “village”, could be in conditions to both host the rehearsals and give them a place to relax and enjoy the snow as a paid holiday. As stated before, we not only had commodities available for them, but also a contingency plan for both staff and artists. But it was not enough to cover what was to come. We were unprepared for a catastrophe of this caliber, even with how many experts we had counted on for the preparations, and we have extensively admitted it on many occasions. There are some things that cannot be predicted. 

To be fair, we received backlash since we posted the flyers for the upcoming event on our Instagram page. It was true, some were excited and more than 80% of the tickets were sold out. But there is no denial that many questioned us about why we were doing this. That it was a cash-grab, that it was a desperate attempt to save face, and overall, the decision to include a certain country was our most questioned move. Why did we include them after all the controversy and allegations against a particular contestant? That is easy - they are one of our biggest contributing partners, and we wanted to make sure that there was some kind of retribution after what happened in the past contest. Either that happened, or we would lose valuable funding for the next year’s edition. There was never a thought in our head not to include them. We are supposed to be “united by music”, after all, and excluding a country that has been with us for so many years would be a mistake. We cannot turn our backs on those who have helped us. 

The amount of backlash we have received since the rescue mission was even worse than expected, which is a pity, considering we exhausted our resources to try to reach everyone. Most comments are filled with hatred and judgment, when they should really be thankful we reached the artists on time. The public has to understand that it was not our decision whether the artists were rescued first or second or last. This was a nationwide emergency, and resources were thinly spread. There was a constant effort to reach the area, too. But despite the Swedish Army doing their best to reach everyone, there was only so much that could be done at the time. The snow plower teams worked to the best of their ability to reach the sectors where the artists were. I am sure you are aware of the fact that there was no electricity nor reachable phone signal in the area due to the failure of cables, and that the roads were covered with both a layer of snow and ice that took several days to clear out. That was not our fault. We did not want the storm to happen and I am sure nobody could have foreseen this, unless they owned the best crystal ball on Earth.

What happened was an unfortunate event. We have done our best to mitigate the effects and support the families of the deceased artists, paying for therapy, mental health facilities and even going as far as to cover some of the costs for funerals and wakes. This is as much as we can do for the time being. There is a lot of speculation about whether the contest will take place or not, even when many national finals have already been canceled for next year and this one as well. There’s still a statement to be released about this, so I will not comment on the matter, but the discussion with the broadcasters is still ongoing, and negotiations about dates and further contests are still on the table.

Overall, there is a deep feeling of regret inside our hearts because none of us wanted this tragedy to happen. Again, nobody in their right minds would have ever imagined that everything would go this way, so there was no possible way we could have avoided the oncoming crisis. But we are doing our best efforts to make it up to everyone involved, and we will continue doing so to the best of our ability. 

Chapter Text

These days have been rough on me, can you tell? I haven’t gotten back to Norway in a while. I wanted to escape the snow for a change. My therapist told me that it was one of the ways I’d get better quicker. So… Here I am, in Italy. I went out with a couple friends today, to try and get my mind out of the fact that this interview was to take place, because if I dwelled on it too much I would’ve blanked out the second I answered the call. I appreciate the tasteful manner in which you asked for this appointment. Many media outlets have been crazy disrespectful and sometimes rude about the way they go about asking me for details. I've had to contract a security guard... You know, they don’t… Care about your mental wellbeing as much as they care for news or some cheap gossip. 

I know that most of the reporters’ jobs are about getting information out for public use, and I respect that, but they could be more tasteful about it. There are many things and many details people want to know, but not all of it is for public consumption, not at least in the way they want it to get out. And going back to those days sometimes hurts. I still have nightmares about what I went through… But then again, thanks for sending the questions to my manager with plenty of time to review them. To be given time to reflect on what I have to say in an adequate manner is really important, you know. 

So, let’s see, where do I begin… I had just released the english version of Marameo, like a one or two weeks before, when my manager hit me up with the news that I had to be at this event. Emphasis on “had”. If it had been for me, I would have leaned towards not going. But as I was told, there was something about a document I had signed back with the broadcaster and the contest when I first participated in Eurovision, some legal aspects that couldn’t be passed over. Basically, my hands were pretty much tied. I accepted it because it could be a nice chance to connect with fans, despite everything. And no, I didn’t know who was coming along. All I knew were the details for the event, nothing else. I got a fair amount of backlash, but you have to get me, it was too late to back out by this point. I was blindsided.

So, as time went by, I got added to a group chat with the rest of the Norwegian artists that were to perform with me. We were going to have themed segments, like… One day it would be the Baltics, then the Nordics, the Balkans, something like that. It was pretty easygoing, sharing memes, asking for details so we could all travel together on the day we needed, going shopping for luggage and clothes, you know, classic artist friend stuff. It was the guys from Keiino and Subwoolfer with me and then Gåte got added last. All of us got together in the airport and traveled in one plane and all. 

Yeah, Keiino was a contestant in 2019, we know, but we got told they were coming because of their latest participation in MGP. It made sense to us, so we didn’t really question it and it didn’t truly matter, I mean, they were one of the most beloved Norwegian acts of the century, if you think about it, it kind of made sense that they were there, right? Okay, back to the topic. 

So, we arrived at this place after a long trip by bus and car, and it’s like this big apartment slash hotel complex in the middle of the woods, near the mountains, but far away from the nearest town which I can’t remember now what it was. It was a nice place, there were already plans to try and go skiing or something like that. The buildings were close to one another and there was this big courtyard where everyone could hang out together, and a big venue hall for rehearsals. We all went straight to our rooms and were told that our schedules would be up by morning and such. 

Days started to go by and it was all pretty standard, rehearsals, trips to the nearest town to know the place a bit better, some were going skiing and having snow fights, it was all good. And then the weather started getting a bit gloomier. You know, I’m from Norway, literally the neighboring country, so when I saw that there would be a snowy forecast, I didn’t think much of it. The night before Ragnarok, I was talking to Gunnhild about how this was bad timing and I hoped this would be a good reason to stay in bed and even proposed to her and the rest of the guys to come to my room for a hangout. I was even gonna invite Marcus and Martinus, but I completely forgot about it and I told myself I would do it in the morning.

Then, at like 4 am, a loud noise coming from my phone woke me up. It struck me as weird, because I always put it on Do not Disturb mode so I can sleep well between rehearsals. I squirmed in bed to get to my phone and shut the noise up, but what I saw there made me not want to sleep anymore. The words “Hailstorm alert, please look for cover” or something like that flashed in a message and I swear I felt my heart stop for a moment. I shot up on bed and started googling about the available information, but I guess the wind caught up to me first because I started hearing the howling outside.

I walked to my balcony window and saw that the snow had started to fall and pick up in a way I hadn’t really seen before. But it didn’t seem out of the ordinary, despite it being strong and the wind rather violent. Like I said, I’m used to snow and storms and stuff. I stood by the window for like a good hour with the heating on for good measure, just trying to see how far it went. But since it wasn’t anything outlandish, I said to myself “huh, maybe it’s not so bad” and went back to sleep. 

Why did I go back to sleep?

When I woke up, there was snow everywhere, as far as I could see, and everyone was in a panic. There was still light because the generators were working, I was told, there were, like, emergency generators working in each building. So it wasn’t all that bad. But there was no internet or phone signal anywhere. No way to communicate with the outer world. We were far away from the nearest city and the snow wouldn’t stop yet, so I don’t know if anyone knew we were there. I mean, they were aware of our existence, I’m sure,but nobody came by for a long time. And I realized that they wouldn’t because the exits were covered by snow. It was everywhere. The first floors got covered by snow as far as I could tell, and the wind howling outside told us that there was no way it was stopping. 

I got to the room where everyone from Norway had reunited for an emergency meeting to try and figure out what the next steps were. Gunnhild and Fred were the ones who talked the most. We all decided to stay together. It was important that we all were together. We took turns doing stuff and had a chill time, as much as we could while waiting for news. People from Sweden and Finland came to chat with us too and hang out, and we even got a visit from… Daði, was his name? Yeah. Him and his wife dropped by. They were the only ones from Iceland there, so I figured they stuck with the Nordics.

The first three days were fine. There was still enough food to go around and such. We had satellite TV, so we watched the news trying to get a scope of the situation, and it was bad. Like, a lot of hailstorms had happened in so little time it seemed to be one big storm, I understood it like that. By day five, we realized that maybe it was going to take a good long while before we all could get out, because everytime it seemed to get better then it got worse… Until day seven came and we went out of power. It was all too sudden. It snapped off in a millisecond. At least there was no snow anymore, but being there, in complete silence, and in complete darkness… It’s an eerie feeling. I can’t shake it off yet. 

We were obviously, pretty scared when this happened. We just stared at each other like, “What are we gonna do now?”, you know. It was Ben from Subwoolfer who said that the first thing we needed was to keep ourselves warm, so we went down to the main hall and found the chimney… One of the people from the staff had a lighter so we stood there for a while. There was no way to check what the weather was gonna be for the next few days, so we just… Stuck it out. 

Gunnhild, Magnus and Fred, the three of them were in constant meetings with the guys from Sweden, Iceland and Finland. Us Nordics had been in the same building, which was a lucky coincidence. We set up a pretty good system. We’d make do with what remained of the food and such, the kitchen staff made their best to use snow from outside to keep the food stocked… This lasted for some time, I can’t really tell how long, you know, it’s all such a blur…

We also made good friends with the girls from Ukraine and their staff, all of them awesome people, no complaints on that… But there was this impending sense of dread approaching one day when everything was awfully quiet. We started running out of food and there had already been some tension because of the rationing. All of us, we had been conferred in a room, and then a heated argument ensued, there were people screaming at each other about going out and seeking help, to try to reach the town despite the snow covered roads, And all of a sudden, all hell broke loose. 

I don’t really know how or when it started, really, but there was some screaming and then a loud noise, like a smack, and next thing you know there’s a guy on the floor and blood all over this other man’s hands… There were horrified gasps all around and then there was a massive fight. There was screaming about “survival of the fittest” and threats thrown around, that we needed to do some sort of population control or whatever… But I didn’t hear much of it because I covered my ears and dropped to the floor. Loreen helped me get out of there quickly. I was on edge. I didn’t want to think about what would happen after the food ran out, about the stuff we’d have to do, which… Ultimately, you know, we had to do…

Magnus and Gunnhild said that we needed to be alert because anything could happen in the next days. We couldn’t be left alone. So I was always trying to make small talk with someone, anyone, trying to spend my time doing whatever and block the bad thoughts about us dying horrible deaths in an ice trap, mostly when there was an active threat from a specific place in the building, above us. I eventually learnt how to sharpen wood with a scissor. It took me a while but I helped some people do improvised weapons and stuff. I’m not much of a fighter, nor am I really the kind to react violently to stuff, so the thought of doing anything like that made me shiver, but I had to be ready. I had to be aware of my surroundings.

You know who the true heroes of our delegation were, though? Ben and Gaute. The wolves. They were always on patrol with the masks on and you could always find them fighting off people who tried to steal stuff from us or attack us. I made weapons for them too. Alexandra and Tom from Keiino also did a great deal of fighting. Alex, though, she was like a coach to me, she was always checking on me to make sure I was okay and we’d go patrol together. She made me feel like I was a part of something, even though I knew I wasn’t really contributing much, and that eventually led me to be more active in helping others as well and being more proactive. I like to remember that kind of stuff to forget the grimmer side of the story. I do, of course, hold memories of the horrible things that happened, but… I like to have the image on my head of Ben, Gaute, Alexandra and Tom as superheroes. It somehow makes the story a bit more heartwarming. 

But not everything can be heartwarming, you know. After some time, we were able, everyone, really, to make paths towards the courtyard and other buildings. Some of our people decided to go out and try to hunt with improvised weapons. We started communicating with more people, but this meant that the hostilities would go up considerably. And they did. 

That’s really all I can tell you for this interview because the rest of the memories of the days of bloodshed are a bit blurry in my head right now. I do remember fighting people and even having blood in my hands, but I cannot really pinpoint anything in concrete. All the days felt the same. They merged into one and it was so common to wake up to screams, banging, or people crying because someone got murdered. I got used to not sleeping for long periods and learnt to sleep with my eyes open to be alert because I almost died a lot of times. I also made my body learn to function without much food intake. This was one of the hardest things to unlearn. But I’m still in therapy and with medical treatments to recover. My therapist told me that it’s common for people who went through big traumatic events to suppress memories in order to avoid them. We are working on slowly unlocking them and finding out how my healing journey will go.

I can tell you, all of us artists from Norway made it out alive, luckily. But some of them did it barely, hanging by a thread. Fred, Magnus and Gunnhild had to be rushed to the hospital right after we were found. The day of the rescue, Fred had a deep wound near his neck, because someone had tried to stab him there. Gunnhild got a bad case of frostbite on her hands and face, and almost lost her fingers, but is now recovering fairly well in company of her loved ones. Magnus had a concussion from someone throwing a vase at him. I went to the hospital and visited everyone. All of them are recovering well enough… Except for Fred. He’s been in a coma for a few days now. His wife and child go to visit him all the time and remain hopeful that he’ll wake up. I do so too. Tom and Alexandra keep me updated about him. The predictions are good, by the way! They were told that he moved his fingers some days ago…

Gunnhild and Magnus are trying to figure out what to do with music once everything is over with their recovery, the guys from Subwoolfer have chosen to take a step back to reflect on what happened, and Keiino is disbanded for the time being, until they can be certain that Fred will be alright and get a clearer idea of what his own recovery will look like. As for me, I don’t know what to do yet. I love performing and singing, but… After seeing all of this, I’m understandably shaken. My manager told me that I don’t need to figure it out right now and to take it at my own pace, so I’m doing just that. One step at a time. 

Still, I wonder… What would’ve happened if we had chosen to leave that night, against all staff advice? Would we have been stuck in the nearby city, which was as incommunicated as we were, but got rescue teams delivered earlier? Would we have made it out in time to get anywhere remotely safe? Some people say that things happen for a reason, but there was absolutely no reason this should’ve gotten this far or we should’ve gone through this. Nobody should’ve suffered the way we suffered. 

We were lucky to make it out alive. But I don’t know if luck will be with us forever. 

Chapter Text

I’m starting to wonder if everything was a fever dream or not. I always dream the wildest things, but nobody really asks me about it so I don’t say them out loud. That whole span of time felt like one big hallucination, or rather, like when you watch a movie or a series while you’re in bed with a cold and everything seems drowsy and blurry. Because the amount of stuff we in the Spain delegation went through, it could be written in a book. It was wild, very wild. I’m still not sure if it was in a good or bad way. 

Well, I mean, being stuck in a foreign country in an extreme weather you aren’t used to, surrounded by people who are hunting each other for food, it’s not the best scenario to be when you were there for a bit of a ski trip and performing for an audience combo. But at the same time, I learnt a lot of survival skills, and I deepened my bond with my Spanish colleagues. All of us still communicate a lot to check up on each other and we’ve arranged meetups for the rest of the month. We even planned a trip to Portugal that’s gonna take place in June. 

So, uh, I guess you want to know the details, which is fair, let me start then. As you know, all of us had to be there for some contractual reason, I never caught much wind of it, but my legal team is currently looking into it again, so when they have the conclusions I can tell you more. We all met while waiting for the transport to the actual location because our flights were on slightly different schedules. It was Chanel and the couple from Nebulossa, Mery and Mark. Then we also had our dancers and staff. It was a pretty crowded bus ride but it was fun! We were singing and chatting and having a general good time. 

So let’s skip ahead to the events that matter. The first days we took it fairly easy because we had been told by the staff that everything was okay and it was just a matter of time until everything settled, that we would get out of there eventually. Of course, all of us were worried because we had no internet connection and the news we had gotten weren’t looking okay, but the important thing was that we still got electricity and food. So we all hung out together for the most part. We also hung out a lot with the guys from Armenia and Portugal who were on the same floor as us in our building. 

At the moment we had a total blackout, I remember we had been playing cards with Jaklin and Louis, the people from Ladaniva. It was kind of funny because we were used to the power going on and off sometimes, when the generators were losing power, and the moment Jaklin threw her card onto the pile, everything was dark. We joked that it was her fault and stuff and we waited for the light to come back… But you can imagine it didn’t. The despair sank in fairly soon, and the cheerful aura dimmed down like a candle that goes out. There was no more music and not much talking in the later hours. 

Vision was a hard thing, we barely got daylight in for the first days without power. We had our phone’s flashlights, but those didn’t last much either. So all we could do was move the most during the daylight and then use some sort of torches made with lit wood from the fireplace and whatever material we could use to get it to last the most. It was kind of a fire hazard, I don’t know how any of us didn’t set themselves on fire. The food lasted a while, too. You know, we were supposed to stay there for two weeks at most, so the food also ran out pretty quick because that timeframe had already passed. That’s when it really hits you - you’re trapped. Trapped in a country far away from yours, with no way to know what’s going on, in a freezing building, with a bunch of strangers from other countries and some friends who you also have to sort of take care of because you really want them to survive… It’s one of the most dreadful things I’ve felt in my entire life. 

When things like that sink in, you understandably shut down. And that’s what happened to me after the realization that we were probably going to die there settled in, the morning before we ran out of food, because we had heard some people from the staff saying that the rations were not going to last us beyond the next one or two meals. I went to sleep right after, in one of the rooms, but I found myself unable, so I just laid in bed and stared out of the window into the white nothingness. I was hoping that somehow it would help me get out of there faster. That it would manifest something or someone coming towards us to help us. But of course, none of that happened. It was just the same white forest, open like a monster’s maw ready to devour us. 

The next morning was when mayhem started for us. We were all reunited in the dining room, when we got the news that the food that was supposed to last us had run out completely. There was a lot of noise and people started accusing each other. A lot of horrible things were hurled at other people, stereotypes, insults, in general, people were scared and frustrated, so I guess the first reaction to things not going their way was anger. I was angry too. All of us were. I don’t know who threw the first punch at who, but I know that I heard a loud scream from one side and then the words “They got Salvador!” and I realized… That it was the man from Portugal who had just died. Just like that. Someone stabbed him from behind and his body fell flat on the ground. 

Everyone was horrified, and we realized that this was getting serious because immediately after his dead body fell down, some people dragged it to the kitchen, even though Iolanda and Marisa were in hysterics and trying to drag him back down to their side to no avail. The thought of what was about to happen made me feel sick to my stomach so I rushed out as fast as I could to try and breathe. I ended up back in the room, looking outside the window of the balcony while I just cried. I couldn’t even go out to the balcony because there was snow everywhere and if I stood there for too long I might’ve frozen as well. 

I don’t know how long it was until I heard a knock on my door and in came Chanel, a bit bruised but still somehow standing tall, holding two apples in her hand, which I later knew she had found in a corner of the kitchen. She sat down by my side and saw my face and asked me if I felt a bit better. I didn’t ask her to tell me how stuff went down there but she told me that after they dragged the body, everyone scattered. There were others who were wounded on the way out because the fighting wouldn’t stop, and she said that someone from another country made a warning that they were going to be on the hunt. She didn’t tell me where they were from either. But I think that the talk we had that day reset my entire brain, because after she left, I was feeling confident. She told me that all of us needed to be strong enough to fight back and that we had it in us. It was like an express therapy session that I can’t really recall that well. But I’ll always be grateful to her for always having my back. 

I wasn’t really hungry yet, so I stood up from my place and went with Chanel to talk to Iolanda and Marisa. We convinced them to come with Mark and Mery so all of us could be together with our staff, because we didn’t want to risk them being alone. We allowed them to grieve and try to cope however they deemed fit, and we set up a plan before nightfall. That’s how my famous bow and arrows were born. You’ve seen them on the news, yes? It became the source of many memes. 

Let me explain my thought process a bit. I had always made that archer pose, you know the one, and we needed to figure out ways to defend ourselves, so I had the idea of making my own bow and arrows, to become a powerful huntress like Artemis had been. A very poetic statement, don’t you think? Though I lacked the ability. I used a pocket knife one of our staff had with them, and then a spare bass string that one of the people from Ladaniva gave us. To make it, we cut one of the tables inside of the room and carved both the bow and the arrows with some help from Iolanda, Louis and Jako. It took forever, but we made it right before daylight disappeared. It took some practice, but I managed to use it well enough in a matter of one or two days, decently to defend myself at a distance, of course I kept practicing to improve my aim, though. Mery helped me sew a quiver that we made out of a quilt so I could carry the arrows with me at all times, and I hung my bow over my shoulders. I felt badass. Like a modern version of Robin Hood or something. 

I learnt a lot of things from this experience. Some grim ones, like the fact that there are people who are willing to stab you in the back to get what they want without caring about whatever bonds you had before, and well… What human flesh tastes like. I had no choice on that one, you know, I don’t think anyone who partook on it had one... But I also learned how to sense people coming at me from behind, to adjust my eyes to the darkness, and I fine tuned my accuracy to become a decent archer, for real this time. I also learnt how much of a great human Chanel is. She had always been this strong, cool woman who seemed to have her head up high all the time and people sometimes thought she was vain or had a superiority complex. But in reality, it was all the contrary. She was the most caring person and the one calling the shots. Mery and Mark also helped out a great deal, they took care of the wounded people. And when the doors of the buildings were open to other places, Mark went towards the woods to try and hunt with our dancers. Overall, Spain and Portugal became one big family. We of course opened our doors to whoever needed it. That’s how we all cooperated and made it out alive. 

The moment the doors got unblocked, it got heavier. I can tell you as much. My newest place to hang out was the balcony during those times because after the snow had been cleaned out a bit, it provided me with a good view of everything and I could shoot at anyone who came with hostile intentions, which proved to be very useful later. I don’t like talking about what happened the nights prior to the rescue, because the memories are a bit too much for me to bear yet, but there was one night in particular where all hell broke loose. I am not stable enough to talk about it yet, so maybe someone else who lived this will tell you more about it., clearer and better than me, that’s for sure. 

There were losses that we lament a lot, in our staff, in other countries’ staffs, and also other artists we lost… I went to a couple funerals before going back to Spain because of the friends I had made. I didn’t want to lose their memories. Of course, we don’t lose people unless we forget about them. And I’m sure that we won’t forget them… I remember the ones we lost everyday. I have a small altar on my desk to honor them. I’ll be sure to send you a picture so you can see it better. I’ve uploaded it to Instagram before, but not a complete view. 

I’m not proud of having killed people to get out of that place alive, nor am I proud of the atrocities that we had to resort to in order to keep ourselves in good condition, but life is like this. I watched this Argentinian movie recently, what’s it called… “La Sociedad de la Nieve” (a/n: The Society of the Snow) about people who were in similar conditions to us. And it kind of made me feel a bit more at peace because human nature tends to be like this. I’m still in therapy to treat the biggest chunks of trauma and to assimilate what we went through in that place. It’s a slow road to recovery, frustrating at times, but worth it all the way.. 

Chanel is fine. She came back to Spain, pulled herself together, had a hiatus to sort out the worst of the anxiety and mental issues that came with the memories, and now is working on a new song inspired by what happened there. She’s told me she doesn’t know if she feels ready to go back to stage just yet, but the song she’s working on is a great one. If and when she decides to release it to the world, you’re in for a treat. Mark and Mery, the both of them, chose to retire and cut their careers short. It was a joint decision, because they realized how unpredictable life is and how much they have to cherish. Right now they’re on a cruise in South America, if I’m not mistaken. They chose to travel around the world and dedicate their lives to their family and loved ones so they could cherish everything they had and not take it for granted anymore. 

Me? Well, my boyfriend gifted me a bow and arrow, the real deal this time around, and I’m looking into actual archery lessons, but that will be for when I’m more advanced in my therapy journey and my hands have healed a bit better from the bruises that came with dealing with the makeshift bow. I want to turn archery from a survival mechanism and a bloody, traumatic memory, to something that I can use to feel better, healthier, more alive. I know I’m not alone in this and I’ll never be. My family, and of course, the spirit of my Yaya Carmen, are always with me, supporting me in my career. As for music, I’ll be taking a pause. One thing at a time, right?

I’m so lucky to be able to say that right now. 

Chapter Text

This interview was on top of my to-do list for today, did you know? I made sure that this was the first thing I got in order before going on with my day, because if I kept doing the rest of the stuff I had to while thinking that I would need to talk about my experience in Sweden again, probably nothing would’ve gotten done. My mind goes back to that day and refuses to let go. I sometimes get stuck for hours and it’s very hard, verging on impossible, to get out of it. The buzzing in my head starts and picks up like a roaring machine with increased speed until it leaves me unable to do anything.

When the temperatures start to drop, even if just a little, I start feeling that same deep cold that I perpetually felt during my stay in the hotel and I panic just a bit before reminding myself I’m not there anymore. Estonia is a cold country and we get plenty of snow, yeah, but it’s one thing to be in a snowy weather with heating and blankets and warm food, and it’s completely another to have to survive in the bare minimum of daylight and almost no food. So when you have gone through what we went through there, your whole perspective on cold weather changes. I still like cold weather, but definitely not as much as I used to. It feels like a battle for survival everytime I see snow. I’d rather now wait for summer to drop by. 

I guess you want to know more of what happened to us there, yes? Okay, I’m sorry, I tend to do this a lot. Feel free to tell me if I stray from the topic again. So… Yeah, I’m sure you know all about the legal aspects that made us be there, though I’ll be honest, I like performing and connecting with fans, that’s why I accepted the invitation for the most part. Before the show, we all had this WhatsApp group to coordinate things, but we only met up once and it was at the airport, before heading to Sweden. It was a great meetup, you know 5miinust and Puulup, they’re just the coolest guys. In fact, Marko was going to teach me how to ski while we were there, but you already know what went down… Anyway.

You already know how the structure of this place was, right? We had three buildings and then a courtyard and a venue hall. The concert wasn’t going to be there, obviously, it was going to be in a city nearby. Can’t even remember what that city was now, it’s not like we actually got to go there more than once or twice for like a day trip to stock up on snacks, so my brain forgot it days after the storm. Our building was the one nearest the venue hall, right across the courtyard. I had a window that I liked to look at because it provided me with a great view. And it proved to be useful when the power ran out. 

The first few days after the storm were chill, nobody really expected this to last this long and to have such deep consequences, but after the lights went out… All of that aura went straight out of the window. You know, Baltics were sticking together. Lithuania, Latvia and us. So we all got together in one room, which was pretty crowded as you can tell, and started planning for the long term. Ramo, Marko, one of the Monikas from Lithuania and… Arturs, the Latvian guy, yes! The three of them went down to the kitchen to speak to the hotel staff. So we all got a deal and every country was free to go down to the kitchen and prepare or stock food as they deemed fit. It was reasonable, right?

Well, it was reasonable, until it wasn’t, because some of the hotel staff caught a person from another country stealing something. We were on the last days of rationing, or well, last moments because I couldn’t really tell days apart from each other while I was there. But that really set people off. The guy was cornered right outside the kitchen. I remember I was talking to Silvestras about something and then we heard the ruckus. We all ran to see what happened because this didn’t sound like a thing to take lightly. 

When we approached, we listened to the guy saying that the system wasn’t going to work because he couldn’t trust others to hold their end of the deal, so he was taking things into his own hands, because he knew how other people were. I think the guy had a bag with potatoes in it. Some others tried to take it out of his hands but the thief had a knife on him. We don’t know where he got it from, but he started swinging it around. Then the fight began. Silvestras and I backed out so we wouldn’t get caught on it. We saw Marko and Ramo pulling up to defend us because someone tried to grab me by the hair. 

As we were backing off, we heard screams, like, agonizing screams. The most haunting sound in the universe. That one type of scream you only hear in horror movies. But this time it was so real that it made my blood freeze. I knew that the guy had died. He was beaten to death. There was blood all over the floor and the potatoes. We didn’t have running water by this time because the generators also worked for the water pumps in the building, and the pipes were frozen, anyway. Still, the people from the kitchen just… Went outside, grabbed a bunch of snow from the blocked door, put it on a pot by the chimney and used that water to wash the blood off. 

I don’t really get how they could do that. I swore I wouldn’t eat any potatoes, either. I couldn’t. Not when I knew what happened to them. The bloody, beaten body of the man (who we later learnt was from the Belgium delegation, a member of staff, apparently) was in the hallway for hours. By the way, I talked to both Thomas and Stef, Mustii and Gustaph, who also survived this madness, and they both told me they had advised this guy not to mess with the other’s food. Sadly, this move almost got them killed because many tried to target them afterwards. But luckily, they both made it out alive. Tough people, I’m telling you. They have a great spirit. 

Man, I keep going out of topic. Focus, Alika, focus!

So after that night, we all knew that this wasn’t going to be easy anymore. During the lights off, we conferred again and decided that the best thing was to set up sentinels for our rooms. They would go out with torches and try to patrol the hallway to the best of their ability to ensure that nobody would break into our rooms and try to harm us. I offered myself for the first turn for the Estonians, even though Ramo insisted on taking my place. He's a sweet guy. Since I was the youngest artist in the delegation he didn’t want me to be hurt, but I wanted to be useful somehow. After what I saw, I knew I needed to be tough if I wanted to survive, even though deep in my heart I questioned if I really had the strength in me to make it out alive from there. 

So I went out, and I did so with an empty liquor bottle the guys from 5miinust gave me as the only means of protection I had in one hand, and an improvised torch in the other hand, which was really just a candle holder with a lit up candle. We didn’t have a way to measure the time, so we agreed with Lancelot (I’m calling the 5m guys by their stage names so you know them) that he’d take a short nap and then take over for me when he woke up. I stood there in the darkness for a while, just staring. I could see lights coming out from other rooms, so I guessed everyone had the idea of patrolling on their own.  

But you know? It was eerie. There was no sound coming from anywhere. Just the passing wind outside, my breathing, my footsteps whenever I moved, and my thoughts. I wasn’t tired just yet. But the darkness and the silence… It messes up with you. I learned not to be bothered by it after some time, but this was my first night. The thought that someone might come and get me was fairly scary. Luckily, nothing happened that night. I think everyone was too tense and on edge to think about coming to attack anyone and that’s what kept things amicable.

I know, it was the most anticlimactic thing, but I swear heavier things are about to come. I can’t really tell how long it went but we realized that there was no way for us to survive unless we sorted to… Eating one another or going out for food. Everyday, there were efforts made to get the snow out of the way or at least to make tunnels to try and get to the courtyard, but the job was far from done. To think about what happened next… It gives me the chills. But the dead body wasn’t there anymore. You can imagine… What happened to it and where our next meal came from. 

I don’t want to even think about what we ate that day, or the upcoming days. I didn’t even want to touch the food in front of me the moment they put it in front of me. I was grossed out. But… I had to, because I was almost fainting. I remember eating it in tears and having my throat close up with every bite, like if my body was begging me to please stop. My eyes are getting teary from telling you this because I didn’t want to. I absolutely didn't want to. I am a vegetarian now because of this experience. I just can’t get that memory out of my head. After I got out of Sweden, I swore off meat completely just because I couldn’t deal with the memories. 

The realization that we would need food for more days was what prompted the hunting. Even the smallest disagreement was grounds for you to become the potential meal for the next day. So I tried to get along with everyone, make conversation, treat wounds, and most importantly, offer protection. I have a high kick, and on pure adrenaline, I even broke a person’s jaw. I became like a knight for the Lithuanian girls, or so Monika Liu told me, with the charming way to make small jokes she has. The singers from Austria and I often were seen together in an all-female squad.

But there’s a particular event that makes me still a bit nervous to be around people. This was the day we finally got a way to get out of the building. It was just minutes before the tunnel was completed. It was around dawn, I remember it because there was a unanimous decision to resume the task as early as possible due to some people from the delegations already starting to have trouble with keeping warm. So I was there, in my patrolling duty on the floor, when I felt a yank at my hair. Like someone trying to rip my head off. I made my best efforts to turn around and instinctively moved my torch towards the attacker, but I fell to the ground. The window was open, because a gust of wind put out the light. I fell to the ground on my back and felt the same hand trying to drag me. I still had the bottle as protection so I started hitting and hitting. 

I remember screaming and asking what was their deal and all I heard was “you’re annoying, trying to get along with everyone, people will like you better when you’re filling their stomachs”, and that weirded me out so much I just started blindly hitting and I heard the glass shatter… And felt the warmth of blood staining my clothes. And then silence and heavy gasps. 

When I lifted my head, there was light again. Jure, the drummer from Joker Out, was there with his own torch, and his hand was bleeding. I had hit his hand instead of my attacker. The person who tried to attack me was dead because he used the broken bottle to stab them. I never saw my attacker’s face. I stood up in automatic mode and led him to the Lithuanian delegation so he could get patched up. I remember going back and having Korea, Kohver and Ramo take care of me. The rest were out, helping with the tunnels. 

After that, days got a bit easier because I was now more confident in helping others out and I was more acquainted with the idea of survival. But I can assure you, there were gruesome things. Horrible things. One particular night stands out, where we had to fight for survival but for real this time, to the point where we actually thought we wouldn’t make it out alive… But, if I keep talking, I’ll take too much of your time, I’m sure more people can tell you all about it. 

When we came back to Estonia, everyone took a hiatus. I think Puulup are going to continue with their music career but not right now. Maybe next year or so. I’m not sure about 5miinust. But all of them got medical treatment. Marko got a leg injury and Ramo broke one hand, and the guys from 5miinust all got bruises and wounds. I think Korea had a concussion that had to be treated urgently, so he was rushed to the hospital, luckily he is much better now. 

As for me, I’m taking a break, I’m taking it easy. My producer told me I don’t have to return to the studio if I don’t want to, but I think music is too important to me to let it go. So I’ll just take a break and come back when I feel ready. I’ve been going to therapy in the meantime and also taken self defense classes. I’m singing in my apartment mostly, but right now my focus is to enjoy life one moment at a time and trying to remember what life without any imminent danger is anymore. 

I’ll be okay. I’m sure I’ll be okay. All of us will be okay. 

Chapter Text

Thanks for coming all the way to Croatia. Have you enjoyed the country so far? I hope you did. Excuse the mess my house is in, I’m still trying to pull myself together and stuff, I haven’t had the energy lately… My therapist said this would help me process things a bit better so that’s why I accepted the interview. You know, when heavy things happen to me, I tend to shut down and try to drown them. This has led to unhealthy coping mechanisms in the past, but I wanted to change that. Therapy and God have helped me a lot with this. He’s always there to listen to me no matter what time it is and is welcoming me with open arms. I trust that everything that I went through was for a reason, even if I’m still too broken to think about it in full detail. 

You know, I used to have a future mapped out in my head before I went to Sweden. I would go back to Croatia, plan out a few gigs here and there, and start planning my wedding… But none of that will happen now, of course. I still can’t believe I went through all of that trauma. I’ve been in dark places, yeah, but nothing like this. And every night I wake up with horrible nightmares and crying and I sometimes have ended up back in the hospital. The press won’t get off my back everyday thanks to that, they’re always trying to catch me off guard so they can have a new headline about how “ruined” Baby Lasagna is now. Bah. I only accepted this interview because it won’t go to any media outlet and I know you’ll handle the information I give you with care, this is for a good cause after all. 

Sorry if I’m stalling, I get a bit nervous. But luckily, this girl is here to make things better. Gertruda got her training sorted out a month ago and she’s my emotional support animal now. How cool is that? This sweet girl has always been by my side, and now she helps me out. Notice how when I get agitated, she comes over and puts her paw on my arm? Fascinating. Cats are pretty great. Branka also has helped a big deal, but Gertruda is close to me at all times, ready to act. 

Okay, so… Let’s get to this. The best way to go through a hard thing is to just get on with it. Deep breath… Okay. So, the ones who were invited to go for a show representing Croatia were me and the guys from Let 3. Amazing men, by the way, the toughest and coolest fucking people I’ve ever known. We even planned to have a collaboration on stage for one of my new songs, we got together for rehearsals and all. And of course, Elizabeta went with me. She wanted to see the snow up close for a change of pace and we were even gonna try to ski.

I have to admit that we panicked a little when the storm started, because the wind was howling too loud and we could hear the hail hitting the balcony we were in, but eventually we calmed down because the staff assured us once and twice and thrice that we were going to be fine and that they were trying to reach out the Swedish army for help. So we kind of calmed down, and we went to the guys from Serbia, who were right beside us, and we also had the Italians and the Swiss nearby. 

Then the power went out and we were at a loss. And then, on the following days, we witnessed the death of Salvador Sobral from Portugal, may he rest in peace. Elizabeta was horrified. I was horrified. Mrle, it’s easier for me to call him that, he got between the people who were trying to rip Iolanda and Mimi apart from Salvador’s body, got a few bruises in between, but didn’t manage to do much. Jaklin and Nemo immediately ran to the girls to try and settle them down. I just held Eli in my arms because we suddenly got the realization that it was either this or die from hunger. It felt like someone had shot us. 

We both had accepted it too easily. Eli had always been a tough woman and knew that this was coming one way or another when things started going south, and I knew that I had to make it back alive because I wanted that wedding to happen. So we conferred with the guys from Let 3 and we said essentially “Look, this is gonna get ugly, we’re going to do stuff we aren’t gonna be proud of ever, and we are going to be mentally scarred, but if we want to be alive, we need to be strong and stay together”. So, whatever. We would eat other people if we needed to and we would kill if it would mean we would see the light of day ever again, outside of that complex. So we did what any reasonable team would do, and we got to work on plans. 

First and foremost, we needed to establish alliances, and it wasn’t hard - the girls from Georgia, the Swiss, the Serbians and the Italians were the first ones we made pacts with, because those were the closest to us in the floor we were in. We did extensive negotiations with every single one of them to ensure that we would stick together no matter what. Then, we needed to strategize. So, Mrle and Zoran had brought these big ass rockets that they were going to use for their performance, and also the mallet. Severina was supposed to fly in with us for the show, you know, she was doing Baba Roga, but her flight was due for the day the storm hit so she couldn’t make it. Anyway, Elizabeta got the mallet as her own personal weapon. She got good at aiming. Harley Quinn had nothing on her, I’m telling you, she looked fabulous and strong. And we had formed a good protection squad in general so there was a general feeling of confidence among our delegation that we would make it home alive.

I spent most of my days checking on Elizabeta, making sure she was safe, even though she would laugh at me a bit because of that. She’d always tease me for my worries, insisting she was fine, but also saying how lucky she was going to be for having such a caring husband. I also spent a good chunk of time with Teodora and her friends because, you know, Balkans, we understood each other well even if we spoke slightly different languages, it was something more familiar. The Swiss didn’t come out of their rooms much, and the Italians would mostly stick with themselves, but we knew we could count on them for whatever we needed. 

Mrle told the guys from the band that there was an idea to start shoveling snow up from the outside so there could be communication with the exterior. And the work started one morning. In the meantime, Eli and I would get out of the room and start exploring the building in search of things that could be useful to any of us, trying to map out where everything was located. We took some stuff from the infirmary so we could treat the wounded a bit easier. Though, you know… That place had such a dreadful ambience of death. It was eerie. We didn’t stay there for long because Elizabeta said she felt watched and pulled me away from there. It was the first and only time I've ever seen her courage waver.

I did kill, of course. I only killed the people who threatened my friends or my fianceé directly and weren’t willing to be civil, and I remember dragging them to the kitchen with my standard sour expression on my face to intimidate whoever wanted to mess with me next. My band also helped me out a big deal, they were my ride or die. They still are, even though we barely talk these days, and understandably so. While the guys from Let 3 helped out with the escape, I made sure everyone was as safe as possible. I felt like a kind of hero, who was there to protect his friends from the forces of evil and save the day. Or whatever that timeframe was because I can’t even recall how many days we were trapped there. I stopped counting when we stopped having food. 

So time goes by, and everything is stable, relatively stable. I thought “huh, maybe it’s not as bad as I thought it would be”, because yeah, there were killings and wounded and stuff but it was to be expected. And that’s how you know shit is going to get fucked up soon, because there’s too much peace around you. Life has such a shitty way of having things happen in this weird balance. And when we got to finally unblock the road outside, that’s when the worst thing I lived there happened. 

Eli and I decided to go check out the outside, because I was gonna run out and try to chop up wood with a knife we got from the kitchen. It was getting kind of dark but we thought that it would be okay, we had snow boots and all. So we were walking towards the woods, right? We were talking. Elizabeta never let go of her mallet, even though it was bloody and not very stable by now due to the amount of hits she had given with it so far. We were talking about what we are going to do after this was over, our plans for a honeymoon - we had settled to go to Thailand for some reason. We talked and got a bit of wood for the fireplace out, and decided to head back because it was already nighttime. So we were chatting and then all of a sudden I heard a loud thud. 

I looked to one side and I saw these people, they had their faces covered up, but they grabbed Elizabeta’s mallet and tried to pry it off her hands, and another guy came from behind me to steal the wood from our hands. But I wasn’t gonna allow that, so I started kicking back. Eli gained her stability, and started knocking the guys out with the mallet, which gave us enough time to run. We ran together with these guys chasing us. I snuck a quick view behind my shoulder and I saw that one of them had an ice pick. We started running but the snow made it so hard to run, and then I heard Elizabeta fall. 

I froze. I threw the wood in front of the door and screamed for help, for anyone to come and intervene, and ran back to Eli immediately, because I saw Ivan and Mrle coming out. So I ran back and this one guy was on top of Eli wrestling with her. The other came towards me but I kicked his stomach… 

And I wasn’t fast enough. 

I heard Eli scream. That fucking scream will haunt my nightmares forever. I froze in place immediately again. I perceived that Mrle had grabbed the mallet back from the ground and was swinging it around, but I didn’t really see it. Everything was a blur. I couldn’t hear anything around me. It sounded like voices and sounds were all inside a glass jar, or underwater. My body felt frozen and it hurt to stay there. I just worked in automatic motion and turned back to Elizabeta, held her tight and ran upstairs without giving anything a second thought. 

I reached Konstrakta and Teodora, who were together at the time, and I begged for them to please help Elizabeta, please save my girl, my love, I couldn’t lose her, I wouldn’t lose her. They examined her and found that fucking ice pick on her chest, deeply stabbed. She had put her hand over in an attempt to stop them, but it was bleeding. They got through her hand and the wound was too deep. It was obvious they had twisted the thing so it really stabbed her. 

Eli heard me cry, and shushed me gently, calling my name with the little breath she had left. I could just stare at her, eyes fixed in those beautiful features that I loved so much. The face of the only woman I’ll ever love in my entire life. Our years together flashed before my eyes as she held my hand, lifted it to her lips, kissed it and smiled at me. And I will never forget that last smile she gave me and the last words she said to me. 

“Marči. I love you. Stay strong.”

You see the tattoo I have here, on my wrist? It’s exactly those words. 

From that day onwards, I became a shell of myself. I functioned automatically. I tried so hard to keep a good facade and a high disposition, to pretend I was fine, but all I could think of was about those two fuckers who killed my Elizabeta. I didn’t see their faces, but I knew that if I ever saw them again I would kill them. They took the most precious thing in life from my fucking hands. 

I kept Elizabeta’s corpse with me as much as I could. I wouldn’t allow anyone near it. They found me holding it close. I just grabbed her and… Handed it to the people who rescued me and begged them to please return it to Croatia. The corpse wasn’t in the best state when they recovered it and I went so hysterical about having her back home that I had to be sedated before I got flown back. Luckily, her corpse was appropriately repatriated and now she has a grave here, in Umag. I go there every single day and bring her fresh roses. Her favorites. I sit on her grave with Gertruda and tell her how I’m doing. I’m pretty sure she is now cuddling Stipe in Heaven, and the both of them are taking care of us from above.

The guys from Let 3, all of them are okay. Mrle lost a leg due to hypothermia, but he’s rocking a prosthesis he customizes all the time. I don’t think they’re planning a return soon, but if they do, I bet they’ll release a song about the incompetence of the people who planned this whole thing, mocking them with their usual edge. As for me, I don’t want to sing anymore. Not until I find my purpose back. Elizabeta’s death took away everything from me. Luckily, I still have Matija, Martin and Mihael who come to check in on me and are helping me through grief, and my therapist has also helped me a lot. And of course, Gertruda is of big help as well. 

Will I ever get better? I want to believe that yes, I will get better, because darkness doesn’t last forever and the sun always has to come back up, one way or another. But even if it does get better, for now it doesn’t seem like it. But I promised Elizabeta to be strong for her. 

And damned sure, I will be.