Archive of Our Own ^beta

America or I guess Mini America had the craziest day of his life! Even crazier than the day where he tried to kill his father in his sleep after which he got caught, blamed it on being possessed by a demon, cried about it like a true actor and convinced his father he didn't mean to and will never try to do so ever again and he will stay away from anything satanic. Which was a lie, he didn't stay away from everything satanic or witchcraft, in fact he was recently performing witchcraft because he was lonely as fuck and wanted CSA to be back. Turns out murdering your other half to show your kids to not mess with him leaves you very lonely, well he was always lonely he just felt even more lonely now that he knew he had other half that he murdered in cold blood!

Oh well, back to how crazy his day was, a random guy appeared pretty much in front of him, claimed his name was “European Union” and that he needed to get to Europe right this second and the same weird guy gave America a very weird device. It looked like a box, a metal box, but despite being metal not a very heavy box, that also had black paint over it. The extremely weird blue guy said it was a phone?

What kind of name even is that? Well America was left with this weird metal box after he sent European Union on a random ship to Europe. Which probably wasn't even legal in all honesty, but life is about doing illegal things isn't it? Oh, and the guy also mentioned aliens. He explained to America what aliens are but didn't bother explaining what was the metal box! How dare he! What does one do with a metal box?

Well America didn't have better stuff to do anyway so he went back to his house with this mysterious metal box and went to bed, not to sleep of course, he wanted to discuss the metal box with his new buddy he used witchcraft to bring back from the dead, which would be another illegal thing America has done… Oh well! Who cares! America sat down on a very fancy couch next to Dixie as he arrived at his magical place which the witchcraft book he illegally acquired called a mindscape. Yes, America does a lot of illegal things get used to it at this point.

“I got this metal box” America said as he showed his other half the metal box

“Hmm, how is it metal if it ain't heavy?” Dixie asked

“That's what I'm saying!” America said

“Wait, isn't there this thing, looks like a button-” Dixie said and pointed at a little button on the side of the metal box

“WAIT I DIDN'T NOTICE IT- YOU'RE A GENIUS!!” America yelled and got up to quickly test out what this magical button on a metal box does leaving Dixie all alone… again.

Suddenly when America pressed the weird button on the metal box the black paint which turned out to be not black paint turned into a picture of paperwork with hearts around it and bunch of kisses… America just started at it, wasn't sure if he's in disbelief or straight up disgusted… He started touching it and found out it reacts to touch, very weird. America started thinking it may be some alien technology from the aliens that weird guy talked about. Suddenly when he swiped up the metal box showed more things, like more images of paperwork… America was honestly considering suicide at this point, if he saw one more picture of paperwork with hearts around it and with bunch of kisses or maybe it could get worse he would honestly just take a knife and cut off his head.

But he started clicking again and now something else appeared, which was… more pictures of paperwork… now this time even worse… America started reaching for the knife but Dixie stopped him by quickly taking over the body despite their agreement for him to not do so but come on the guy was about to commit suicide!

“STOP TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF” Dixie said as he punched himself in the head really hard, when he was the images of the paperwork he understood but proceeded to ignore them for sake of the both of them. It took him about an hour of seeing countless of images of paperwork and images of weird blue guy he honestly wished he had never seen and would much rather remain dead because it would be more convenient and would save him this horrible sight to find a way to exit out of this god awful thing and go back to the main screen. After which he let America go back into control again “That hit in the head was unnecessary now it hurts you fucking idiot… wait… you're me… NO I JUST CALLED MYSELF AND IDIOT!!!!” America cried

Well after that America discovered that by swiping this time to the left or right instead of up there's more stuff. He found something called “messages” so he decided to click it, maybe he would find out more about this weird guy… but when he clicked on it he found only one person called “Germany” and no one else… well that was not worth it at all. After this defeat America clicked on another thing this time called “Minecraft” when he clicked it the metal box flipped it's screen and he was presented with more buttons. After clicking everything and figuring stuff out he started playing Minecraft, it turned out to be so good he played non-stop for 5 hours and hasn't done any of his work!

Sadly after those 5 hours something very bad happened… the metal box suddenly turned black. The button that turned it on no longer worked “NO WHAT?! WHY IS IT NOT WORKING?! I JUST BEAT THE ENDER DRAGON!” America started yelling at the metal box and then intensely sobbing “WHAT HAPPENED TO MY METAL BOX?!?!” he laid on the bed hugging it as if it was his first-born child. He started mourning its death and the fact that it is no longer working, what would happen to his Minecraft world now? What about the dog he named independence? What about the pig he drowned in lava called “British Empire”?! EVERYTHING WAS GONE!!

Cleary this day could only get worse “STUPID ALIENS INVENTING TECHNOLOGY THAT STOPS WORKING AFTER 5 HOURS!! MY MINECRAFT WORLD WENT TO WASTE!!” he was screaming and crying, honestly probably the entire neighborhood could hear his dramatic ass because a phone stopped working and it will no longer work because it's battery has died and they have no way of recharging it.

Later he would donate his baby- I mean metal box for science, EU didn't even think about the consequences of setting Americans a good 100 years into the future in the technology department after giving America his own phone. The timeline was now in shambles and it was all his fault, fuck you European Union, at least your ass is dead.