Archive of Our Own ^beta

Cloud never thought he would have to endure seven consecutive days in Nibelheim ever again.

That was supposed to be your prize for running away from home. For making good on your escape. You never had to go back, not for long, anyway. Practically nothing was in Nibelheim. The reactor was old and barely serviced. Eventually they'd decommission the thing entirely, and the last remaining families would drift away from the foothills of Mt. Nibel forever, off to places where there was actually arable land or extractable resources or, he doesn't know, a reactor built in the last decade. Cloud's last revenge would be to outlive this town, he hopes. 

But here he is, on the first day, rolling up in the entourage of the war hero Sephiroth to the village that had made his life hell. It's like a wish on a Nibel Wolf's paw. Cloud got his Nibelheim assignment too early. He still hasn't made SOLDIER. He isn't a hero yet. He can't show his face, because even though this is the highest accomplishment of his life so far —working under the direct command of General Sephiroth—it'll be lost on everyone without him also making SOLDIER. 

Coming back as a lowly sec officer? Any idiot could do that. 

Cloud looks around and shifts nervously from his left foot to his right foot. It's unnerving. There's Margo, making sandwiches next to a big cauldron of soup, a welcome laid out for the distinguished visitor Sephiroth and entourage. She once told Cloud she'd start putting rat poison in the trash cans if she caught him lurking behind the bakery one more time. But now, she's smiling, pressing a sandwich into his hands and saying that Shinra employees eat for free today. That's the power of anonymity. Cloud doesn't manage to force a smile, but it doesn't seem to bother her. 

It's kind of funny. In the last month before he had shipped out, that cold morning in early April, a lot of them had made comments about how he'd never make it in the military. You have to be strong , they'd sneer. You have to be diligent. You have to follow orders. Can you do that? Do you think you can do that? No one seemed to think he could do that. But compared to living in Nibelheim, the military was easy.

People actually followed rules here. 

There were rules about how you had to talk to your commanding officers, rules about where you go, rules about how you looked, rules about when you could eat and when you could sleep and when you couldn't do either; rules about how you made your bed and how you brushed your teeth and, in some dusty manual that hadn't been pulled out in years, probably on how you wiped your ass, too. Everything was about rules.

When everybody had to follow the same rules, miraculously somehow Cloud began to thrive. 

The thing with having rules is, once you know them, you can't fuck them up. When everyone around you is exhausted from doing twenty minutes of burpees, no one is going to even notice if you don't say anything for the next several hours. The units get swapped around so often that no one cares if you completely beefed it in a conversation the other day, because none of the guys from that unit are here to remember it. Just yes sir, no sir, yes sir, right away sir your way through a given interaction with a commanding officer, and they don't care either. 

Cloud looks over at the other PubSec officer attached to this mission. What was his name, Chad? Craig? Cal . He'd congratulated Cloud when it came up that this was his hometown. A lot of the guys say they miss home; lots of them visit their homes when they get leave. They always say they miss the food. There are moments when Cloud's tastebuds miss his mom's cooking, sure, but he's had his fair share of unpleasant meals in his life. You hork it down and wait several hours, and there will be another one to disappoint you later. It's fine. Honestly, being able to rely on another meal coming every eight or so hours is itself a luxury, even if the food is mostly gray and tasteless; there had been months when Claudia had to ration out the food stamps because prices jumped, or a bad harvest had left the supply of veggies meager and thin. 

Cloud's fingers tighten around the sandwich Margo had handed him. He can feel the bread squishing.

"Oh, hey!" Cloud looks up to see Zack approaching him. The SOLDIER First Class is gently maneuvering around a handful of kids, who seem like they are sizing up whether they can get away with touching his sword when he isn't looking. "There you are! We can check into our rooms now, I just got word."

Finally . Cloud wants out of this crowd. He walks over to meet Zack, further away from the food station. Zack claps him on the shoulder. "You, me, and Cal are sharing a room. The general gets his own room." 

Cloud's stomach flutters. He'd assumed that the SOLDIERs would bunk together. "Sounds great," he says. He hasn't been on the second floor of the Gunnthra Inn since he was a little kid, but he remembers that they don't have many rooms. Not many visitors come through the area. 

Zack winks. "Looks like we'll all have to make friends." Then he spots the sandwich Cloud is holding. "Hey, nice to get some grub other than rations, right?"

"You can have mine," Cloud says, relieved, and pushes it into Zack's hands.

"Hey, thanks!" Zack puts it away in three huge bites, as they walk towards the inn. "Wow, this ham is really good." 

"It's local." Inside, the inn is dim, compared to outside where the sun was striking the side of the mountain at that angle where it's always in your eyes.

Zack dusts his hands off. "Oh, so you got to eat this stuff all the time, huh?"

Tyler's family cured the town's meats. "Not really," Cloud mutters, as they climb the stairs. 

At the top of the stairs, the windows look out over the Nibel countryside. It's a nice view. Cloud turns to tell Zack he might like to see it, and as he turns, Zack steps forward, and slips a hand around his waist. 

"Then get a taste," he says, and kisses Cloud. 

The two of them are only just tucked around the corner of the stairwell, but from that angle, they can't be seen by anyone but the crows flying past the windows. Cloud shuts his eyes and leans into the kiss, as much as he can without knocking the edge of his helmet into Zack's head, but he's listening hard, so hard, for a single footstep on the stairs. Even though Zack's hand is sliding further around Cloud's waist to the small of his back, pulling him even closer. 

Cloud regretfully pulls away from the kiss, but not out of Zack's embrace. "I—I don't know if this is a good idea," he whispers. 

Zack sighs, knocks his forehead against Cloud's helmet. "Man… You're right. You really wanna make a good impression on Sephiroth, don't you?" Cloud doesn't say anything, but Zack is one-hundred percent correct: this could be Cloud's big chance to look good in front of the most famous, most highly ranked man in the entire SOLDIER program—which conversely means that it could also be Cloud's big chance to torpedo any chance of getting into the program. Along with his entire military career, if he screwed up badly enough. 

Getting caught openly fraternizing with a SOLDIER First Class as a mere Public Security officer would be 'screwing up badly enough.' 

Zack lets him go. "Okay, sorry. I'll be on my best behavior from now on. Promise. No more messing around." 

Cloud steps back just in time to hear footsteps pound the stairs; he takes a nervous several steps towards the first door on this floor, to make it seem like he was in the process of going there and opening it—but luckily enough, it isn't Sephiroth, but the other sec officer, Cal. Cloud doesn't know much about him, hasn't even seen him with his helmet off yet, but he seems older. 

"Hey, man, great timing," Zack greets, "Me and Cloud here were just checking into the room…" 

As Cloud slips into the room where the three of them would be quartered, he brushes his lips with his gloved fingers, still tasting that kiss. With any luck, they wouldn't be here too long. With any luck, Cloud would get his big break, demonstrating his capabilities in front of the hero Sephiroth himself. He might even dare to hope to get a personal recommendation for the SOLDIER program.

All he has to do is not screw it up.

Modeoheim was disastrous in so many ways. 

Number one: Cloud blew chunks in front of the Turk. He could almost be grateful to the anti-aircraft missiles that had taken out the rotor as they approached Modeoheim by air: at least in the chaos, Tseng had not seen Cloud puke spectacularly next to the door while they spiraled to the ground. He was so nervous, having been selected for this mission (a Turk leading! a SOLDIER 1C attached!), that his stomach was roiling worse than it usually did during aerial transport. 

Number two: they had nearly died in a helicopter crash. That also would have sucked. 

To be honest, after they had pulled themselves from the wreckage, confirmed no casualties, and checked for injuries (which Cloud had none of, due to strapping himself in properly and wearing his helmet, because of The Rules), Cloud's adrenaline had kicked in so intensely that the rest of the day felt like a fever dream. Climbing a sheer snow-covered mountain faster than the Turk? Easy. Actually getting greeted by and bantering back with the SOLDIER First Class on the assignment? No problem. It wasn't like Cloud's stomach had anything left in it to be nauseous with. Cloud had even reacted fast enough to shoot down a fiend that was advancing on the SOLDIER— Zack —from behind. Maybe he should get into helicopter crashes more often. 

Number three: Cloud ate shit trying to grapple an overweight scientist in open-toed sandals. That was just. Well. You could see why they turned him down after the first SOLDIER entrance exam, huh.

He also got knocked out pretty comprehensively by—well, he never saw who by, but signs pointed to it being the work of one of the mission targets. (Cloud was not technically cleared to know the targets, but like, Zack talks pretty loud, so he gathered it was SOLDIER First Class Angeal Hewley.) He tried to tell himself getting knocked out by someone famous, who had also knocked out a Turk, took the sting out. It did not help.

But Zack had worried about him, when Cloud came to, with a throbbing headache and a bruised rib. Zack had kept glancing over, nervously, several times, while he secured the perimeter of the bathhouse and then carried out the rest of the operation on his own, with no backup.

Which finally led in to the number four reason Modeoheim was proving to be so disastrous: Cloud fell in love with a SOLDIER 1C on the spot. 

But now, it's the middle of the night, and colder than hell. The mako lanterns don't put out a lot of ambient heat the way kerosene would, and the small heater isn't doing a whole lot for the space. They had put up several tents on the first floor of the abandoned bathhouse. Air support to extract them won't arrive for another ten to twelve hours.

Cloud blows on his hands and shivers hard. His heater is not doing the kind of work needed to get this tent warm enough. Cloud had never run very hot himself, and the sleeping bag is similarly meager. 

He hears the zipper on his tent and his head jerks up. Someone's coming in…

"Hey Cloud," Zack says in a stage whisper, dragging his own sleeping bag and heating unit with him, "they really skimped out on our supplies, huh? I don't think half of these are winter-rated."

Cloud all but literally freezes. He has no idea how to respond. 

Zack sets his heating unit on the other side of the tent from Cloud's. It would seem SOLDIER doesn't always get better stuff than the regular officers, since his equipment seems to be identical. After clicking it on, he turns to Cloud. "Want to share? I bet we could warm it up more in here if it's the two of us," he whispers again, this time more quietly. 

Cloud—nods. He still can't fully believe this is happening. He wants to respond, but his tongue feels stuck to the roof of his mouth. 

"Nice," Zack whispers, and folds himself into his own sleeping bag. He keeps glancing at Cloud, and then away. Is he… is he nervous? Even in the very dim light thrown by the heating elements (Cloud had already turned the unhelpful lantern off, to save energy and make it easier to sleep), Cloud can see Zack's eyes clearly, where his gaze darts back and forth. The mako…

Cloud's stomach is twisting like he's back on the blown-up helicopter, but another part of him is calculating, and that part of him—that insane and reckless and full-of-adrenaline part—makes him blurt out, also in a whisper: "You know, we'd get warmer faster if we were closer together."

Zack's head whips around at this—Cloud's stomach flips harder—and he wiggles himself closer. "I like the way you think," he whispers. He pulls his hands out of the sleeping bag and signs something in SSL. Cloud can just see his hands by the ambient lights from the heaters:

You down?

As it turns out, a lot of guys fool around with other guys in the Shinra military. Cloud had discovered this in boot camp—it was impossible to hide, in the barracks. Not a small number of guys had proposed fooling around to him . Cloud isn't stupid—he knows he has features a lot of people consider attractive. Not even the residents of Nibelheim pretended otherwise. He was the problem child with a pretty face. Another loose heartbreaker, just like Claudia. He'd heard it all. 

So Cloud had… yeah, Cloud's made out with some guys before this point. Most of them did it to blow off steam. Half of them did it several hours after bragging loudly to the whole platoon about their girlfriends. What happened in the service didn't really count. One time, Cloud had turned down an older guy and gotten called a "stuck-up bitch" to his face, which was whatever, but getting shoved very hard into the wall was less whatever. The guy hadn't escalated the violence, but Cloud would never forget the way he looked—like he was thinking about it.  

He doesn't think Zack would react that way to rejection, but he also doesn't want to reject him, and paradoxically that makes Cloud feel like he should. Like this is some kind of test. You're in a tent with a ranking officer of the SOLDIER program and there is only one sleeping bag, what is the ethical thing to do in this scenario? Correct, you give him the sleeping bag and flay yourself alive to keep him warm, maggot.  

But he's here, and his eyes are so pretty, and Cloud hesitantly signs I am if you are , and Zack's expression brightens. He unzips his sleeping bag and Cloud does the same; with a gap opened between them, Zack slips closer and reaches out for Cloud's shoulder. His hand is so warm. He was wearing way less armor than they were during the day; do SOLDIERs really run that hot? Cloud's heart is in his throat. Zack brings his face closer, and…

Their lips meet. Zack kisses gently at first, and when Cloud leans into it, he warms to it, bringing that hand from Cloud's shoulder to the back of his neck, tucking around him and pulling him closer. A lot of the guys in the barracks would go straight for tongue, almost inhaling him, but Zack doesn't kiss guys like he's in a screaming hurry. He breaks away, almost as if to check on Cloud; Cloud wordlessly nods, and he runs his thumb across Cloud's cheekbone, a shockingly tender gesture, before their lips meet again. 

The more gentlemanly Zack is with him, the more Cloud's anxiety falls away to be replaced by that feeling that had his stomach doing backflips, the one that has been lurking around the back of Cloud's mind since the morning. Call it lust, or maybe delusion (or both). He has had a crush on Zack for all of fourteen hours and now this is happening before Cloud even had the downtime to construct a daydream about the possibility. Zack grunts a little into their kiss when Cloud wraps his own hand around the other's body (and thrills to feel the muscle there, he's so strong), and Cloud opens his mouth into him and lets his tongue flick out, testing the waters. Zack responds so strongly to this that it's almost like he's saying, Oh thank god, he's into it , and slips his own warm tongue behind Cloud's teeth. 

Cloud's heart is pounding and his head is spinning. This could get out of hand fast. He's not supposed to get this riled up about some tonsil hockey in the field. Zack rakes his hand down Cloud's back, and Cloud involuntarily moans into him, and then tenses up. Is that too much? That could be too much. He's had guys push him off them in disgust for seeming like he was too into it. This was something that had no set Rules, and it was terrifying. 

Zack breaks the kiss and Cloud is mentally preparing for that to be it—but then he tilts his head down and he's pressing kisses against the underside of Cloud's jaw, and he whispers into him, so low Cloud can barely hear it, " God , you're so hot," and that is enough to send Cloud over the edge a little, and he can feel his dick— no! stop! that's too much! —start to stiffen. Cloud freezes. 

Zack stops. "Sorry, was that okay?" he asks sotto voce . Cloud doesn't know what to say— yes, that's okay, that's more than okay, but I'm scared —"I- I'm sorry if I'm coming on a little hard," Zack continues, in a whisper, "I just—we just had a really stressful day, you know? Do you want to keep going?" 

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. "Sorry, I just—" Cloud tries to twist his hips so that there isn't a chance of Zack brushing against his erection by accident and finding out just how into it Cloud is. "That was, kind of hot," he blurts out, and then mentally kicks himself. Why does he ever talk when he's so fucking bad at it?

"Really?" Zack looks a little relieved. "Then, do you wanna—"

Cloud makes a shushing motion with his hand. He swears he just heard someone in one of the other tents roll over. Zack grabs his mouth. The two of them stare at each other, realizing how dangerous their position actually is, two scant layers of tent cloth away from a Turk. 

Sorry , Zack signs. It's so hard to make his hands out in the dim light; Cloud hopes fervently that he isn't missing anything. Maybe not safe?

Cloud hesitates, and then mimes hugging. For warmth , he signs.

Maybe trying to make out in this situation is a bad call—but Cloud doesn't want Zack to go. 

Zack nods. Cloud reaches out, hesitantly, and Zack slips under his arm to enfold him in a hug, burying his face in Cloud's chest, his head just below Cloud's chin. 

Cloud blinks. This is kind of an intimate hug! Doesn't… doesn't this kind of make Cloud the big spoon? Maybe that only applies if they're both facing the same way. Zack's breathing is already slowing. Has he really fallen asleep so fast? Cloud wraps his arms around Zack's shoulders, carefully. He's warm. SOLDIERs really do run hotter than other guys. 

Cloud tucks his chin against the top of Zack's head. He'll keep alert for as long as he's awake, in case there's more movement outside. He's sure there's no way he'll fall asleep soon. Is Cloud seriously cuddling a SOLDIER 1C for warmth? Is this happening to him? He'll stay awake to feel every minute of it! He's sure… he's sure he's not going… to fall asleep any…time… soon…

On the second day, their first full day in Nibelheim, true disaster struck. They lost Cal in the river. Cloud had almost drowned, if it weren't for Zack catching him. Tifa almost figured out who he was. And yet, despite all that, they'd made it to the reactor. And then, after making it to the reactor, they'd made it back to the town. 

Cloud and Zack sleep unquietly that night. The empty bed on Zack's other side yawns wide, cavernous. Cloud dreams of rushing, sucking, grasping water, clutching him around the chest, smothering him, and wakes up to find that Zack had crawled into his bed and hugged him in the night, clinging to him like he couldn't let go. Like that night in Modeoheim, their first night together. 

Cloud, relieved to feel his warmth, dozes back off. 

In the morning, Zack is already awake, and doesn't mention it. Cloud doesn't mention it, either.

After Modeoheim, Zack changed his hairstyle and instantly became three times hotter than he already was. He also became famous within the regiment for being the only SOLDIER 1C that came by to hang out with the enlisted men once in a while. Though that wasn't saying all that much. With Genesis and Angeal both reported as "killed in action," the only other SOLDIER at the top was Sephiroth, who was obviously untouchable. Nevertheless, it was making Zack increasingly popular. 

If some of these guys knew what Zack Fair was really after when he dropped in, though, they might be surprised. 

"Try not to be so noisy this time," Cloud whispers urgently, as he fumbles under Zack's belt to get at his fly. It had taken Cloud about thirty seconds to get it unhooked, since it's part of a larger sword harness that Cloud's still not super familiar with. 

"Well, try not to do whatever that thing you did last time was," Zack retorts. He's pressed against the wall in a corner of a supply room. Cloud is on his knees, working Zack's pants open to get at his dick, which is already straining against the fabric. "That almost blew my brains out, man." Cloud says nothing, but maybe there's a little smug glint in his eye as he pulls Zack's underwear down, freeing his erection. Cloud starts low and licks up the side of it, glancing up at Zack's face. Zack is blushing hard, and he reaches out for Cloud, rustling his fingers in Cloud's hair. 

Cloud licks him a couple more times, but they don't really have the time to spend on teasing, or foreplay, so he takes Zack's cock into his mouth and starts sucking in earnest. Zack's fingers twitch in Cloud's hair, but he never pulls on it. (Honestly, Cloud kind of wishes he would.) He just clutches Cloud closer to him with the one hand, covering his mouth with the other to stifle a sigh as Cloud slowly works his dick into his throat, breathing slowly and shutting his eyes as he focuses. Zack really likes it when Cloud massages his balls, so he brings his hand up and starts fondling him. 

"Ahn," Zack moans into his hand, stroking Cloud's hair. Cloud pulls back, pants a little, and then licks into Zack's head, tasting his pre-cum and wrapping his lips around it. Zack didn't normally get to this point so fast, but Cloud's started to get really good at sucking his dick, and it almost feels like he has less stamina the more they do this. "Ah, Cloud—" he pulls his hand away—"Cloud, I'm really gonna—" 

Cloud knows. Cloud can taste it. But he doesn't stop. He pulls Zack's hips closer and sucks hard enough to hollow his cheeks, and Zack clamps down on a high-pitched whine, and a gasp, and Cloud is ready when he comes, gulping it down, trying not to make any unattractive slurping sounds. He's never told Zack this, but his jizz actually tastes kind of good? It tingles a little, on his tongue. Some people said SOLDIERs come pure mako, and while Cloud is pretty sure that's not true, it might be… thirty percent true. 

"Ah, man, you're so good," Zack whispers, stroking Cloud's hair again as Cloud comes up for air. He can feel a stream of drool running down from the left corner of his mouth, and he makes a move to hastily wipe at it, but Zack catches his hand, and crouches down to kiss Cloud there. Cloud makes a half-feigned, half-genuine disgusted sound, and Zack grins. "Is this what you do with your mouth instead of talking to people?" 

"I don't have a lot to say," Cloud says, trying to make it sound cool and badass instead of kind of pathetic, but Zack presses another few kisses to Cloud's jawline. 

How did Cloud get so good at sucking cock? The same way you got to the Gold Saucer's main stage, baby - practice, practice, practice. Zack had started visiting the Public Security barracks not long after Modeoheim, and he and Cloud had started to find a bunch of places where they might "cuddle" again, and one thing started leading to another pretty fast. 

Zack was incredible. He was kind, and he laughed easily, and he was enthusiastic. And he was super strong and amazing at fighting. And hot, too. And he really, really seemed to like Cloud. Which felt… strange? It felt strange. Cloud had never met anyone before who really seemed to like him and wasn't also his mom. Part of him was always bracing for the punchline, for the other shoe to drop. The other part of him was always bracing to hear that their next mission, for either one of them, was going to take them both away from Midgar for a long period of time, or that one of them was going to get stationed somewhere on a long assignment. They had to make the most of any minute they managed to get with each other.

Like this one. Zack just got briefed on a mission and claimed he wouldn't be needed for another hour, and Cloud just got off his shift, but Cloud doesn't trust that something won't come up. Or that someone won't need supplies soon. He goes to stand up, and Zack straightens up with him, but then Zack grabs him and spins him around. 

"Whoa!" Cloud blurts out, before he can stop himself. He's against the wall now, and Zack is pressing more kisses into his neck, giving him a daring little nip and suck right above his collarbone. Cloud is grateful, not for the first time, that the Public Security uniform includes a scarf. 

"Let me return the favor for once," Zack says, running his hands down Cloud's chest. Cloud's heart starts pounding even faster. This is new. This is new!

"Uh, okay?" he says, and Zack goes down to his knees, undoing Cloud's belt (in much less time) and pulling his fly down. Cloud's not sure what to do! Zack's never offered to do this before! Normally, they make out for a while, and then maybe Cloud blows him if there's time, and then on a couple of occasions, Zack gave Cloud a handjob, which was so exciting that Cloud had not lasted as long as he would have liked either time. 

But now, Zack is licking his hand, and grabbing Cloud, and working him a little (it doesn't take much), and this time Cloud has to cover his mouth with both hands, because he really almost yelped aloud and gave them away. "Hey, turnabout's fair play, man," Zack says, giving Cloud one of his trademark dazzling grins, before running his tongue down Cloud's shaft and taking him all the way right off the bat. Cloud almost bites his tongue in half. 

Zack's mouth is so warm, and Cloud's hips reflexively buck into him, greedy for the touch. Cloud tries not to, but he moans into his hands. Oh, god, it's better than Zack's hand, it's so much better. "Z-Zack," he chokes out in half a whisper, as Zack pulls back to lick the head before engulfing Cloud's shaft again, and then does it again, "t-that's—I—" 

Zack pulls off Cloud's dick and breathlessly mentions, "By the way, you can pull my hair a little if you want to," before going back down on him. Cloud hadn't even thought about it, but—well, like, if he said so—he hesitantly reaches down and strokes Zack's head. He scrunches his hand up, getting a good handful of hair, but loses his nerve at the last second, and can't bring himself to tug on it. What if he hurt him? 

Then Zack grips Cloud's balls and hums into his dick, and Cloud's fingers clamp down tight on Zack's hair involuntarily. He doesn't cry out aloud, but he sucks in air through his teeth with force. Zack is… ah, god, the pressure on his balls is really… —Zack sucks hard , and Cloud comes before he expects it, before he can warn Zack beyond a high-pitched gasp.

By the time Cloud's vision clears, Zack has already stood back up, and in fact—he grins, and launches in, and starts kissing Cloud again, sloppily. Cloud can taste his own come on Zack's lips. Unlike Zack's, his is just kind of funky. But he kisses back anyway, relishing the attention. 

"Hey," a muffled voice drifts in from outside the door, "have you seen Fair around? I have a letter from his girl," and Cloud and Zack freeze with their tongues in each other's mouths. 

His girl? 

Another voice. This one is a little familiar, but no face rises up to meet the name: "Oh, uh, I think I saw him leave for the training sims a few minutes ago. You might catch him over there," and the footsteps recede. 

Zack breaks away. His eyes are wide. Cloud's probably are, too. 

His girl??

"Oh man, I really owe Kunsel," Zack whispers. Cloud hastily reaches down and zips himself back up. They spent way too long in here, way too long. "I'll leave first," Zack says. He sounds almost apologetic. Is he avoiding looking at Cloud? Does he think Cloud heard that? 

His girl???

"Yeah," Cloud says, numbly, thickly. They'll split up leaving with a five minute interval, usually. 

Zack turns to go, but then he turns back and in a swift motion, pecks Cloud on the cheek, before emerging from around the rack of shelves and exiting the room. Now Cloud gets to count to 300 before he goes as well. Three hundred repetitions of that phrase "his girl" in his head, over and over. 

It's stupid for Cloud to be worked up about this. Nearly all the guys have a girlfriend on the outside. Many of them have more than one. They're all varying stages of serious about it. What happens in the barracks stays in the barracks. Why would this be different? Why would Zack be different? And why, for that matter, did Cloud give a shit? Like—like what was his endgame, anyway? 

Where did he think this was going to go ?

He overcounts and leaves the supply room on three-hundred-ten. 

But the third morning at Nibelheim is confusing, too—General Sephiroth still hasn't returned from Shinra Manor. There isn't really a sense of what they're supposed to be doing, on duty. At the very least, the paperwork that would have to be filed concerning Cal's passing in action is commanding-officer-level paperwork. Maybe Sephiroth was filling it out while in the Manor. Maybe that grim task is what's keeping him so late. 

Anyway, it means that Cloud doesn't necessarily have anything to do, on this third day in Nibelheim, which he does not relish. The first afternoon and night, when they had arrived and General Sephiroth gave the company leave, Cloud had basically satisfied whatever desire had remained in him to see Nibelheim again—he'd checked in on Tifa's house, even snuck a few plunks on her piano (which felt daring and defiant), he'd climbed the water tower in the pretense of reconnaissance, he'd… thought about seeing his mom—and he was already psyched up to leave. Like nope, checked back home, and the first thing that happened was someone got killed. And it almost was Cloud. This town had never wanted him, and now it seems it wants him even less. 

Cloud trudges up the slope past the Manor, and decides he should keep watch for monsters. 

Cloud's commanding officers have stopped noticing him, which is a sign that he's improved enough in his conditioning and performance to stop looking weak and breakable. His marks on his riflemanship are high, and he's not doing badly on tactics, either. His raw strength scores are still low compared to guys in his age bracket, but his endurance is strong, and they've been assigning him to more missions with harsh terrain, especially after Modeoheim. 

Every minute he gets free, he spends in VR trying to train on swords. 

Everyone knows what it means when you train on swords. No one in the infantry is going to be in a situation where it's appropriate to haul around a sword on top of twenty to twenty-five kilos of gear and then actually use it. Only SOLDIER operatives have the strength to make swords work, tactically speaking. Only SOLDIERs have the endurance and healing factor necessary to make it a practical choice to bring a large edged weapon to a thousand-bullet fight. 

Cloud breathes, shifts his grip on the two-hander, and brings it back up to first position. His shoulders, chest, and upper arms burn. He has been at this for forty minutes. He started an hour before the 0500 alarm goes off, so he has twenty minutes left if he wants to cram in a shower before everyone else piles into them. Does he have time to get one more round in? 

Cloud blinks a set sequence rapidly with his left eye, cueing the VR to generate another test dummy. One more round. That's five minutes, and then he can make it to the showers in another five. Scrub down in eight, and be dressed and out by the time the first few guys trickle in after the alarm rings. And if he overshoots a little, so what? 

The VR chime goes off, and Cloud lunges into a strike. The program logs his form—he's tired, and letting his elbow fly out. The practice dummy evades his strike, and retaliates. Cloud brings the sword up and blocks. His form on the block is good, but the next move is to push the block out into a pommel strike, and Cloud's grip on the sword slips, and the program washes his vision red with a large X. Wrong form, again. Frustrated, Cloud rips the goggles off and almost throws them on the floor, before the thought rushes into him that damaging the equipment could cost more than his life. He squeezes his eyes shut and places the goggles on the pedestal in the center of the room with exaggerated care, followed by the hilt piece (the equipment simulates the heft and feel of an actual sword), before whirling around and swinging a punch at nothing—

Zack catches his fist. 

"Hey, tough guy, I saw you training!" he says. Cloud flushes. Zack was watching? "You're not half bad! You got a little sloppy at the end, but it's definitely because you were tired."

"Z-Zack," Cloud stutters. "You, um, you're up early." 

"Nah, I'm up late . I've been on third shift the past week." He brushes past Cloud and picks up the goggles. "I thought I'd sneak in here and do some training myself." He puts the goggles on. "Whoa—Cloud, you have this set to simulate live equipment?"

Cloud fidgets. "I mean, yeah, it's—it's the Third Class program." 

"Dude," Zack says, pulling the goggles back off. "3C swords weigh like, ten kilos. No wonder you were struggling."

Cloud bristles slightly. "I mean, standard gear weighs twice as much, and I carry that just fine."

Zack reaches back and sets the goggles down behind him, his eyes not leaving Cloud. "Yeah, but you're not swinging it over your head."

"Well, I have to prove I can do it, don't I?" Applications to SOLDIER are re-opening in two months. If Cloud can't get his strength and condition up by then, he'll never make the program. "I have to train like you guys train. Otherwise, I'll never—"

Zack's hands come down on both his shoulders. "Cloud. They give out the swords after the mako injections, you know." Cloud turns his head away. Zack continues, "If you overtrain like this, you'll blow out your shoulder, and you know how far that's gonna set you back?" Cloud winces. An injury to his rotator cuff could spell the end of his military career. Guys have done it before. 

Zack squeezes his shoulders again. "You're doing great. Just, turn it down to like, two kilos, okay? Use the P0 setting. And try to get a whole night's sleep once in a while!" 

Cloud opens his mouth to reply, but the sudden beeping from his comm interrupts him. "Shit!" he blurts out instead, wiggling out from Zack's grip and bolting for the door. That's 0500! He's going to have to compete for the showers now. "Thanks, Zack!" he tosses back over his shoulder. Maybe he has a point. Maybe it would be better to train on the lower setting for longer. 

On the fourth day, Zack suggested they go up the foothills of Mt. Nibel and try to take out some more fiends. It was in the parameters of their original assignment, after all. Of course, the stream of fiends had slowed down after Zack and General Sephiroth did whatever they did in the reactor, so after Zack had killed a handful of Insectoid Chimerae and Cloud had gotten a lucky shot off on a skittering Kyuvildun, they satisfied themselves that they shouldn't stray too far up the mountain to buy more trouble. Now, half an hour later, they're taking advantage of the relative seclusion.

"Okay," Zack says, helping Cloud align himself, "Keep your lower hand and upper hand further apart. That's where you get the leverage." Zack's standing behind Cloud, putting his hands where they need to go on the sword's hilt. Cloud follows his lead, places his hands where Zack shows him. Zack's arms linger around him, almost an embrace.

Zack lifts the Buster Sword, his hands overlapping Cloud's hands. 

"Alright, let's see how long you can hold that position, tough guy," Zack teases. He lets go and steps back.

It's heavy—so heavy Cloud's biceps are already starting to burn. It isn't that well-balanced, either. But even still, it isn't as heavy as it looks like it should be. Zack said it was what, twenty-five kilos? Before that, Cloud would have guesstimated thirty-five at least. As long as Cloud keeps his hands spaced like this, and focuses on lifting the weight through his legs, and holds his back perfectly straight, he could probably hold it up for several minutes. 

Zack's distracting him. He keeps hooting and hollering encouragement— Yeah! Yeah, big money! Keep it up, SOLDIER! —and it makes Cloud want to laugh. But if he laughs, he's absolutely going to lose his focus on his posture. Cloud bites his lower lip and breathes through his nose. Endurance, this is an endurance game. 

Zack breaks before Cloud does. He doesn't have a very long attention span. "Alright, man, you win!" He comes over and takes the sword back. Cloud almost feels disappointed. It felt kind of good in his hands. "That's that intensive training for you!" He sets the Buster Sword back onto his magnetic sword harness.

"Maybe next time, you'll let me take a few swings with it," Cloud teases. 

Zack laughs, and lightly punches his shoulder. "Maybe I will! But I feel naked without it, man." Cloud thinks that if he were quicker on the draw and more daring, he could spin that into flirting, somehow. But they're technically on duty, so he shouldn't be trying to flirt anyway. "Come on, let's get back to town." 

Cloud retrieves his helmet and pulls it tight around his ears, feeling around the edges to make sure all of his hair is tucked underneath without sticking out, fastening the chin strap tight. Gotta hand it to the company—everyone looks the same when the helmet's on. The design somehow even makes it hard to tell how full or thin your cheeks are. Cloud's learned how to ID a lot of people by voice combined with skin tone alone. 

"You know," Zack says, as they start the trudge down the trail, "I know we're on duty and all, but I don't get why you wear that in town. Don't you have people to see?" 

Cloud thinks of Tyler and his stomach sours. Not that he's here. Nibelheim's entire male population between twelve and fifteen had left in the same year. "I already saw my mom," he lies. He had meant to visit his mom on the first night, but had instead stood a few feet away from her door for several minutes, before suddenly turning back for the inn. The long shadow of the water tower had been cold on the back of his neck. "Got no one else I need to show my face to." 

"...O- kay ," Zack says by way of reply. Cloud can tell he doesn't really buy it. He doesn't seem to get the hints Cloud has been putting down that Nibelheim isn't his favorite place to be.

That makes sense, though. Unlike Cloud, it's hard to imagine anyone not being happy to see Zack.

There were five children in Nibelheim, all of an age together. Cloud was one of them, the black sheep of the village, Claudia's creepy kid. Then, as far away from Cloud in the social hierarchy as it was possible to be, there was Tifa, daughter of the right-hand man to the mayor. 

And then there were the boys. Emilio, Lester, and Tyler. 

When they were all really young, they played together just fine; but from something of an early age, the boys decided they Did Not Like Cloud. Something about Cloud just wasn't right; he didn't say the right things, or do the right things, and that was creepy. He didn't like to make eye contact, but when he did, it was creepy. He learned to read first, and only liked to talk about what he'd read, and that meant he thought he was better than them, and also it was creepy. He zoned out a lot, and—well, no reason to belabor the point. 

Tifa never stopped making social overtures to Cloud. On some days he appreciated that. When he could get away with it, sometimes Cloud stole up to the water tower on clear nights. He could get a view of Tifa's room from there. It was nice to watch her play piano. He had to be careful, though, because watching a girl through her window while she didn't know was absolutely Creep Behavior, and on some occasions when he was caught, he paid for it. As he got older, he stopped entirely—the chances of getting caught were too great, and puberty raised the stakes to an unacceptable level. 

On other days, Cloud wished fervently that Tifa would just get with the program and decide he was creepy already. After the Mt. Nibel Incident, the entire village had decided as one that Cloud Strife was an unacceptable and dangerous maverick who would get their children killed, especially Tifa, the flower of the village. Therefore, the other three boys took it upon themselves to make sure that Cloud understood his place in this dynamic. 

Any time they felt like he seemed too friendly towards Tifa, they beat the living shit out of him.

Not in front of the adults, of course. They never did it in front of the adults. Sometimes it seemed like they were too good at finding corners of the village where no adults could be found in a twenty-meter radius, to the point that Cloud suspected some of the adults were perfectly aware of this arrangement and worked to make sure these adult-free opportunities arose at regular intervals. Adults aside, they also never did it in front of Tifa. Tifa wouldn't have liked it.

On this such occasion, Cloud is thirteen years old. Yesterday, Tifa had waved to him when Cloud happened to mistime returning home for dinner, and Cloud had made the mistake of waving back in the boys' sight. Wrong. That's against the rules. Now Lester holds him against a tree on one side, Tyler on his other, the two of them holding him by his arms, while Emilio drives right hook after right hook into Cloud's gut. He likes to do this until Cloud throws up. 

Cloud suspected this might be the game today, and refused to eat at breakfast that morning. Money has been tight for Mom, trying to feed a growing boy. The least he could do was avoid wasting food. 

Another blow, and then a long pause. Cloud opens one eye, from where they were squeezed shut. Emilio is shaking out his hand. "Man," he says, "not much in the tank today, huh, Strife?"

"Try switching to your left," Cloud grinds out in a monotone. 

Emilio slaps him for that. With his left. "Next thing out of that mouth better be puke," he warns. 

Eventually, Cloud hurks up something—bile or stomach acid—and it lands on Lester's forearm (he and Emilio had switched off), and Lester smears it into Cloud's hair, and the three of them finally get bored and take off, after a parting kick each. Cloud sinks to the ground, doubled over, trying his best to gray out while the throbbing pain all through his torso eventually tapers off. There might be a Potion in the medical supply kit under the cabinet, but Cloud doesn't think he can justify taking it—what if they break his arm or something next time? Potions are expensive. Plus, he'd have to explain it to Mom. 

Uncountable time passes—could be minutes, could be hours—before Cloud slowly, unsteadily gets up, placing his hand on the tree trunk behind him to brace. He looks up.

Tyler's back.

Cloud stares at him, not sure what he wants. Normally, the boys don't approach him unless as a unit. In fact, if he catches any of them alone, they usually seem nervous without the backup of the whole trio. When Cloud was younger, he'd try to avenge himself on one of them alone, but this soon proved to be worse for his reputation and worse in terms of the retribution he'd earn. 

"Emilio went kinda far this time, huh?" Tyler says. Cloud knows better than to agree. Agreeing would count as saying Emilio was bad, which was against the rules. 

Instead, Cloud grunts, "I didn't say anything to her." 

Tyler shrugs. "I know." Most of the time, Tyler is hard to read. Out of the three of them, he participates in their painful games or beatings with the least enthusiasm, and is usually the first to declare he's bored. But that doesn't mean he cares . Tyler eyes him up and down. "I heard you're applying to join the army."

"Yeah." Cloud had requested the forms the last time there was a supply shipment. 

Tyler crosses his arms. "You didn't do that because you heard the other two were gonna do it, did you?" 

Cloud laughs, shakily, under his breath. "What else am I gonna do? Stay here ?"

Tyler laughs, also. "That's true." He looks to the side, into the forest. "Each of them thinks they're gonna be the one to ride home and take Tifa away, you know." 

They've thought that for years. Cloud pushes himself away from the tree, straightens up. "Cool." 

"You're not worried?"

All of this, all of this shit, has always been about that . Cloud is so sick of it. "I'm not interested."

"Oh?" Tyler turns back suddenly, fixes Cloud with his gaze. Cloud freezes. This feels dangerous. He shouldn't have talked. "Too good for her?"

Trap. Trap, trap, trap. "No, like…" If they could just stop seeing him as a rival—"Like, I'm not interested at all—" Cloud blurts out—"In girls." 

As soon, as soon as he says it, Cloud realizes he has just Fucked Up.

Tyler's eyes sharpen. He leans back, crosses his arms. "Oh. Oh, wow. That's really interesting."

"That's not what I meant—"

"So this whole time, you've been picking fights with us—"

"That's not, that's not what I meant—"

"—because you get off on it—"

"I didn't mean, I didn't mean it like that—"

"—like some kinda pervert —"

"No, I didn't mean that—"

The words are spilling out of him, uselessly. Cloud doesn't know how to fix this. For one stupid moment, he thought telling the truth could make the boys lose interest in him, because he'd stop being a 'threat' to Tifa. It was like he forgot how the world worked. Tyler could break him in this town. All he'd have to say was that Cloud made some kind of advance on him, out here where no adults would look. He could say anything , and the boys would back him up. At that point, Cloud could actually, for real, get run out of town. Off to die on Mt. Nibel, like his vagabond outsider father—

Tyler steps close, and Cloud panics, backs up until his back hits the tree, and he trips, and slides down and off it, onto the leaf-strewn ground. Breathing hard. He lifts his arm above his head, figuring Tyler was about to start whaling on him anew—

"Well, hm." Tyler just stands above him. Pretending to think. "Hmm. You know what? Honestly, I think it's kinda funny." Cloud holds his breath. "But obviously, you can't be alone with us anymore. That would be so wrong. So maybe I'll keep your little secret. If —" and he leans down, all traces of a fake smile gone, "you lose that paperwork, and we don't ship out at the same time in March. So I don't have to see your fucking face ever again. Faggot ." 

Cloud nods. 

"Glad we agree." Tyler gestures at him like he isn't worthy of the attention, and moves to wander off. "Get lost."

Normally, Cloud would retaliate that "get lost" is what you say when you want the other guy to leave, not when you're leaving, but Cloud has talked enough for today. He doesn't get back up until a few minutes pass, and he's sure Tyler has gone all the way back to town. Then he slowly pulls himself back up the tree, his heart pounding and pounding and pounding in his ears.

Cloud is in a funny conundrum. He needs to get out, into the SOLDIER program, but Tyler doesn't want them to end up in the same platoon (which they would if they all got on the convoy at the same time), but he also can't act like he's going to stay home with Tifa while the boys leave. 

…He could strategically misfile his application. Shinra would send the misfiled paperwork back and make him do it over. That would mean he'd miss the March transport, when the others would leave. But they'd send a second transport, once he corrected it. The army is hungry enough for recruits right now that they'd spare another truck a few weeks later, catching the stragglers in this part of the continent.  

Cloud breathes, steadies himself, and trudges down the slope towards the river. 

Six months. 

Six more months, and he's free.

On the fifth day, Cloud wusses out. 

He wusses out. He absolutely loses his fucking nerve. 

The morning sun is streaming in the windows. Zack is up early. Cloud drifts awake to the sound of his rhythmic breathing as he does his morning squats in the corner. Cloud blinks. It shouldn't be light already. He must have overslept. How embarrassing—you can't do shit like oversleep in the military, but Cloud's natural rhythm always wants to sleep later and wake up later. When he's on second or third shift, it's fine, but they're supposed to be on an 0600-2200 shift here. Zack didn't wake him up. 

That means General Sephiroth still isn't back…

Cloud should get up. He should snap awake, in fact, and exaggeratedly make a show of regret over how late he's slept. That would be the only way to crawl back onto a commander's good side, usually. You can sometimes get away with breaking rules, but you absolutely can't get away with breaking rules and acting like you don't care about it. Zack, as a SOLDIER First, is going to contribute to the writeup after the mission is fully over, and Cloud can't just rely on their existing relationship to smooth that out. Whatever their existing relationship actually is. 

But…

Cloud wants to see his mom. 

The thought rises in him slowly. It's been so long. They might leave the second Sephiroth returns from the manor. The first couple of days, when the adrenaline was high, he had this crazy idea that the moment he removed his helmet in the village of Nibelheim, everyone here would Know he was there. The looks and glances he got from the villagers—from neutral, to curious, to disinterested—would change to the ones he remembered from his youth. Disgusted. Perturbed. Angry that he existed.

But…

Mom would understand. She'd know better than to blow his cover. And…

Cloud's eyes track Zack in the corner. Zack kept asking Cloud why he won't take his helmet off outside this room over their first few days here. He's stopped asking by this point, but Cloud knows he's still curious. The thing is, Cloud has no desire to get into it about his past. He doesn't feel like showing the real Nibelheim to Zack, that ugly face behind its mask. It just wasn't worth it; it wasn't anything. Cloud could tell, interacting with all of them in uniform, that they all think of themselves as good, decent people. They all care for each other and pull together when one of the older residents needs help; they'd say they care for their own. 

And that's just it—their own. For some reason, some time in the past, they'd all decided Claudia Strife wasn't theirs, and neither was her no-good kid, and that meant they could watch Cloud slink home several times a week covered in bruises, clutching his arm or his stomach or his face, and not think they had any obligation to save him.

It wasn't worth showing Zack such a worthless town, even to condemn it. 

But—

He kind of thinks Mom would like Zack. And Zack might like her, or at least her cooking. And maybe… maybe it would be worth showing Mom the kind of people that like Cloud. Now that there are any. 

Cloud gets up and gets dressed while Zack finishes up his workout (Zack grins at him and greets him when he does), and he tries to bring himself to ask Zack the question—ask him Hey, are you doing anything today? Do you want to come to my house and meet my mom? But he can't do it. The words are too weak to climb up his throat and come out. 

Zack departs for the day before Cloud can get up the guts to ask. 

So, he writes an email. 

He pulls out his Shinra-issued phone—he's not high rank enough to have one that's his personal property, this was issued for the mission—and taps out a message to Zack. 

Hey, do you want to come over to my house? I want you to try Mom's cooking. Cloud bites his lip. Is that too weird? The thing is, I haven't been home yet since I've been here. I hadn't been able to make up my mind about it, but I decided that I should show my face... but going home alone is a bit uncomfortable, so I was hoping you could join me.

He squeezes his eyes shut and hits send. 

Zack had gone out running some side SOLDIER missions Cloud wasn't privy to; probably monster-killing quotas and stuff. Cloud spends the day doing equipment maintenance—disassembling, cleaning, and reassembling the guns, and inventorying the other stuff, including Cal's remaining equipment. 

(He wonders if Cal has a mom, and if she's also waiting at home, for a son that isn't going to return. His hands shake a little as he marks down what's company property, and what's personal. The personal stuff, they'll send in a box to his next of kin. Maybe his mom will open the door to a solemn Public Security officer, holding a box in his hands. Or maybe Shinra will air-freight it with a note. Cloud… hasn't thought about that before.)

By the evening, Zack gets back, and jovially starts telling Cloud about the weird materia-finding missions they've been sending to his email while he's on site. SOLDIER operators really have to be ready for anything. Cloud tries to pay attention, but he's bracing for Zack to follow up with " ...and that's why I don't have time to visit your mom with you, sorry, maybe you should have brought it up earlier ," and most of the words run through his ears unheard. 

But the conversation ends without Zack mentioning Cloud's request at all. 

…It's okay though. Really! It's okay. He's just busy. They're under a lot of pressure. And Sephiroth still is nowhere to be seen, which is really weird and unnerving, so—so, you know, yeah, it's. It's okay. Cloud curls up on his bed facing the wall tonight, instead of towards Zack's bed.

It's fine.

He thinks about her a lot.

Zack, that is. 

About his girl, that is. 

He's always looking into the sky and mumbling about how he wishes he could show it to… someone. Cloud asked once, and Zack brushed it off. "It's nothing," he'd said. "Just guy stuff."

I'm just guy stuff, too , Cloud had wanted to say, but didn't. 

What happens in the barracks stays in the barracks. That's the cardinal rule. It's the rule protecting people like Cloud, like Zack, like some of the other guys who blow off steam with other guys. Sure, maybe topside of Midgar, you could build a particular kind of life, in a particular kind of neighborhood, surrounded by a particular kind of people, if you had a particular kind of fortune. Maybe in certain places in the slums, too. But for every one of these places Cloud's heard about, there are a hundred Nibelheims. 

What happens in the barracks stays in the barracks . 

It's a simple rule. It's easy enough to understand. It should be easy to follow. 

And yet…

Cloud doesn't just want to fool around with Zack at random times when they can get alone. 

As crazy as it is, the moment that's never left his mind isn't when Zack coached him through his first blow job, gently and patiently. It isn't when Zack spotted Cloud in the crowd of rookies, even in the helmet that makes everyone look the same. It isn't when Zack slashed his way through several monsters and then thanked Cloud—a nobody—for covering him. 

No, it's that first night they spent in Modeoheim, holding each other.

Cloud, in his heart, really wants to spend more time off the clock with Zack. Not even to fool around—just to spend time. But Cloud knows better than to hope that can happen. 

How is he going to compete with that girl back home? 

On their sixth day in Nibelheim, Cloud visits his mom on his own. 

For a second, the guilt overwhelms him, when he steps inside and takes his helmet off, when Claudia's expression changes from polite wariness at a call from a sec officer, to a cascade of emotion when she recognizes him. 

Only two people in Nibelheim knew that Cloud was gunning to make SOLDIER. Tifa, whom he had told on that night at the water tower, and his mom, who knew everything. She knows what it means that Cloud's here, in a Public Security uniform, not showing his face to the rest of the village. 

She isn't mad that it took him several days onsite to get up the nerve to visit her. She doesn't ask him about SOLDIER. No, she dotes on him, as though he weren't the prodigal son slinking home with nothing to show for his grand ambitions. She compliments his uniform, lets him sit on his bed and converses with him from the kitchen, like they used to do, never demanding eye contact from him if he didn't want to.

She says women must be hounding him day and night. 

Not really , he says. 

She says she'd feel better if he had a good girl to keep him away from all the temptations in the big city.

I can take care of myself , he says, shifting towards the wall, sullenly.

She says the perfect type of girl for him would be older, more mature. 

Cloud doesn't say anything, but he thinks, well, two out of three isn't bad. All this talk of girls is making him feel ill at ease. Maybe it's good that he didn't bring Zack here. 

She adds that such a girl could keep him on the straight and narrow, and tell him when he's being a silly goose. 

Mom , he says, finally. 

She subsides in this line of talk. For a long minute or two, the dishes clink in the sink. Then, she says, more quietly, but with intense warmth, You're my son. I'll always be proud of you .

At that, he gets up, and trudges into the kitchen, stands shoulder to shoulder with her. She reaches an arm around him—not quite around his shoulders, because he's finally grown a few centimeters taller than her—and hugs him. Always , she adds.  

Cloud thinks about that for the rest of the day. 

He's still thinking about it in the evening, when he talks with Zack. He still regrets that there wasn't more he could do. Zack's been working hard on SOLDIER missions, outside the village bounds. "If only I were SOLDIER," Cloud bitterly says. They could do missions together, if that were the case. 

But Zack's eyebrows draw together. "SOLDIER… SOLDIER is like a den of monsters," he suddenly says, and Cloud sits up, because he rarely hears Zack sound so serious. "Don't go inside."

"What happened?" Cloud asks. 

Zack looks into a corner for a long moment, that same dark expression clouding his face. Then, something in him releases. He sighs. "I don't know, man…" he says in a low voice. "I thought I knew, but…" He groans, and falls backwards onto the bed. 

He must be stressed out. SOLDIER operators usually take on missions ad-hoc, like contract work, especially in peacetime when there aren't major offensives. Around here, he's probably doing a lot of monster-slaying. And, of course, there's whatever's going on with General Sephiroth. There must be some sort of context Cloud is missing, that maybe is only known to the two of them, the SOLDIERs First Class. 

"By the way, do you know Tifa?" Zack asks.

Cloud flinches, pulls back and looks away. "Sort of," he says. 

Zack persists: "Talked to her?" 

Cloud shakes his head. "No."

Zack leans up. "I'm sensing some issues here… Shouldn't you do something?" 

Tifa… Before he'd left town, there was a quiet, almost blessed month between when the other boys shipped out, and when Cloud's own transport came. His gambit to slightly misfile his paperwork had worked out. Even with the others gone, it took a couple weeks for Cloud to get up the nerve to ask to speak with Tifa. He wanted her to know where he was going. He wanted her to know he was going to become strong. He wanted… He couldn't say what it was that he wanted. And he can't say now. He said he wouldn't come back until he was in SOLDIER, and he couldn't bear for her to see him like this—just another enlisted man, like the other three.

If Cloud explained all this, if he could find the words to, Zack would surely think less of him. 

But after the silence, Zack shakes his head. "I'm one to talk…" he murmurs. He stands up, and wanders to the end of the bed, out into the open space in the room. Bitterly, he says, "I'm in SOLDIER, so… fighting's all I do. Sorting things out is someone else's job." Cloud watches him pick up the Buster Sword, across the room. "'What's going on?' 'Who's the enemy?'" He angrily raises the sword, and his voice: "It makes no difference to me!"

He's… Zack's never talked like this before. 

Breathing heavily, Zack pulls the Buster Sword down, from where he had swung it over his head, staring wildly into the corner as though something were there. He turns it, presses his forehead to the flat of the blade, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth, like a ritual to calm himself. 

Cloud isn't sure what to say, so he blurts out, "Do you always do that? With the sword?"

Zack stares into the blade for a long moment. "I… I picked it up," he says. "From my mentor." 

Oh.

"He always said this sword represented his dreams and honor," Zack says, his eyes roving the blade up and down, lost in thought. "I guess… that means it represents mine now."

Dreams… honor… that's such a different mindset from Public Security. Cloud doesn't think he has ever heard the word "honor" between basic and now. Seems like that's just another thing separating SOLDIER from the rest. 

Zack suddenly puts the sword back against the wall. He turns to Cloud and smiles. "You know, I had almost forgotten that. Thanks for reminding me." He walks over next to the bed, does a couple of squats, and then kicks his shoes off and hops onto the bed. "I'm gonna crash. Night!"

Cloud watches him, his mouth working as he tries to figure out what to say. "Night…" he says uncertainly. Zack falls asleep fast; he seems to be breathing deeply already.

Cloud's gaze drifts back to the Buster Sword, across the room. Dreams… honor… Could Cloud say that he possesses either? Honor, probably not. He's not sure. That seems like something only someone else can say you have. But dreams…

Cloud glances back at Zack, and reaches out, and turns off the lamp on the side table.

Cloud normally doesn't get up the nerve to talk to other SOLDIERs. Aside from Zack, who's always ready to chat at a moment's notice, the rest of them usually seem very busy, often even stressed. The program is struggling, and although it's very classified, Cloud knows through the grapevine that the program has yet to return to full strength after the mass desertion two years ago. 

Cloud bitterly reflects that they could solve those personnel problems if they just took on more applicants, maybe certain applicants, but this line of thinking always makes him feel worse. 

Still, there's one SOLDIER Second Class who is known to be friendly to everyone, and a bit of a gossip to boot. When Cloud catches him one morning entering the regular officers' VR training room (as opposed to the really swank one on the SOLDIER floor), he manages to bring himself to talk to him. 

"H-hi, Kunsel," Cloud greets him, kicking himself for stuttering. 

"Hm?" Kunsel always wears his 2C helmet, even when not on duty. Cloud sometimes wonders if he has some sort of really cool but gnarly scar that he doesn't want people to see, or something. "Oh, hey! You're Zack's friend—Cloud Strife, right?"

"That's right. Um, so, I haven't seen Zack around Midgar in a couple of weeks, and I was wondering, um, if maybe he's… out on assignment. Or something. So I thought maybe you'd, um… maybe you'd know." Cloud rubs the back of his head. It might be classified, now that he thinks of it. Shit!

Kunsel hums to himself, tapping at his chin with a finger. "I think Zack's been on a lot of materia-finding expeditions lately. Someone's been clearing a lot of assignments out in the boonies." Cloud feels a sense of relief, that he can't quite define. Kunsel laughs. "I'd know more if the guy ever responded to his mail, haha…"

"Oh, okay," Cloud politely demurs. "Thanks for letting me know."

Kunsel snaps his fingers. "Wait, I remember! He just got back in last night!"

Cloud's heart leaps. "Really?—"

"I'm pretty sure he went right over to see that girl of his under the plate," Kunsel continues. "Man, I gotta say I get jealous sometimes! I keep telling him to take her to go see Loveless , but I swear that guy has no head for culture…"

Ah, yes. 

His girl. 

Maybe someday, she'll suddenly and tragically die. Wouldn't that be terrible.

"Uh-huh," he says, mechanically, while Kunsel natters on about some plays he saw recently. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. No, he hasn't seen any plays. No, he hasn't seen any before. No, they don't usually bring those kinds of productions out to where he's from. Uh-huh. Yeah. 

"...Sorry, guess I'm chattering a little too much. That's a bad habit of mine," Kunsel says, abruptly. 

Cloud blinks. He had zoned out too far and now it was rude of him. "—Yeah, sorry. You were about to train. Thanks for talking to me," he says, turning to go and contemplating what rock he should go crawl under to die. 

"You know, he asks me about you when you're on assignment, too," Kunsel calls out. 

Cloud stops. 

"I don't usually pay attention to the PubSec schedule, but I keep an eye out for him. Couldn't tell you why. Though," he chuckles, "maybe it's just because that makes him pay more attention to my emails."

His chest feels tight.

A hand comes down on Cloud's shoulder. Kunsel had approached him from behind. "...Zack's an easy guy to talk to," he says. "Maybe you should try it." 

Cloud's throat hurts, somehow. "I'm not that good at talking," he says, huskily. 

Kunsel's hand remains on Cloud's shoulder. He squeezes it. In a low voice, he adds, "Zack's an easy guy to love, too." 

Cloud jerks his shoulder out from under Kunsel's hand. "I better get going," he says, hurriedly, half-marching down the hall. 

"I'll let him know you were looking for him," Kunsel calls out behind him. Cloud clenches his fist. He can barely see where he's going. He doesn't know where he's walking to.

All Cloud had ever wanted was to get out of Nibelheim. He had wanted it for a long, long time. Some days, the belief that he absolutely had to live to get out of Nibelheim was the only thing that kept him going. Now that he's out—

He's had guys asking him what he thinks he's going to do with his pension, if he lives to collect it. Saying they're gonna serve their four years in Public Security, or eight years, and get out, marry that girl, go into that real career, become an artist, buy some land. One guy said he's been making investments into his brother's business with his salary, what's Cloud doing with it? Cloud didn't know how to say he still has every gil he's ever earned in the past two years divided into several envelopes, bags, and secret compartments hidden among his effects, because he doesn't know what to spend it on, and he doesn't know how to open a bank account. He had changed the subject.

Cloud had studied the SOLDIER field manual back to front for three years; had been reading about the trucks and machines for longer. In the past two years, now that he has access to them, Cloud's memorized the specs of most of the non-classified output of the Weapons Department. Everything he could learn about the Shinra Armed Forces was a step away from Nibelheim and towards the rest of his life. What is Cloud going to do after the military?—How could he think about that, when he hasn't even made SOLDIER yet!

What happens in the barracks stays in the barracks, but what if Zack leaves the barracks before Cloud can reach him? If only Cloud could make the cut, he knows he can make First, he knows he can do it, he just needs the chance! If he could stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Zack, as his equal, he could say that thing he wants to say, but…

Lost in these thoughts, Cloud nearly bumps into a CO in the hallway. "Strife!" she barks. 

Cloud snaps to attention, automatically barking out "Sir!"

"You've been pulled for a mission."

Great, so now Zack won't even be able to find him when Kunsel tells him. "Sir!"

The officer steps closer. Cloud doesn't recognize her. Her insignia marks her as a major. Cloud clenches his abs in an attempt to subtly rearrange his spine as straight as it will go. "Given your age and rank, I am shocked you were recommended for this mission. Do not embarrass Public Security in front of the general."

The general? A general ?? Which general??? "Sir, understood, sir!"

"Now get your ass to the briefing room on the SOLDIER Floor. On the double!" she barks, and strides past him down the hallway, in the direction Cloud had come from. 

"Sir, yes, sir!" Cloud shouts, before the order has entirely made it through his brain. Wait, did she just say the SOLDIER Floor? He's being briefed on the SOLDIER Floor? He practically sprints down two flights of stairs to his quarters to retrieve his helmet and make sure he's put together and completely in uniform. 

It's happening. Maybe it's finally happening. 

It's been a week.

It has been one week since they arrived at Nibelheim.

General Sephiroth still hasn't emerged from the mansion. Zack's been over there to check on him once or twice this week, and both times, he returned seeming somewhat troubled, only saying that the general was doing some sort of research. Well, if he's doing research, Cloud doesn't understand why the rest of them aren't being reassigned somewhere or released from duty, given that the reactor was serviced six days ago, and Zack hasn't said anything about needing to go back up there for any kind of follow-up. Cloud can't take on SOLDIER missions. The stream of monsters has dried up, so he has nothing to shoot, and people are starting to venture outside the village gates again. 

It is abundantly clear that Cloud is dead weight here. 

It's the early afternoon. Cloud had cleaned the guns only two days ago, but he did it again this morning anyway. Something to do. Something even slightly useful. Of course, the last five days Cloud has spent being useful have happened out of the general's sight. So apart from the few moments he got to prove himself on Mt. Nibel, he is making absolutely no impression on him. So that's probably his big shot at getting a recommendation for SOLDIER down the toilet. What a mess. What a fucking mess. 

"Hey, Cloud!" Zack greets as he saunters into the hotel room. Cloud has been lying on the bed fully clothed, pauldrons and boots and all, staring at the ceiling and letting all these thoughts spin around his head. "Man, I finally got a little bit of downtime. You wouldn't believe the weird stuff that's been in the tank for SOLDIERs around this part of the continent. Escaped experiments this, secret weapons testing that… Ah, but you didn't hear that from me, heh…" 

"Cool," Cloud says distantly, still staring at the ceiling. 

Normally, at this point, Zack usually will launch into a detailed spiel about whatever's on his mind, describing in minute detail all the weird stuff he's been up to. Like that time he went to the beach on what was supposed to be his vacation and wound up fighting off several waves of undercover operatives and two hundred toxic sandworms, or something. But he's oddly quiet. Cloud just hears him step over to the middle bed and sit down. "Hey, is everything going okay?" he asks. "You've been kind of out of it this week, it feels like."

Is everything going okay? Does it seem like it's going okay? This was supposed to be something like a 72-hour mission. "Not much for me to do," he finally says. 

He hears Zack bouncing his leg. "...I know you were really hoping for this to be your big break," he says, hesitantly. "I'm sorry stuff's gotten so weird. Sephiroth is… um… He—some stuff happened at the reactor, and it… I'm sure he's going to come around soon. I'm kind of worried about him, to be honest…"

Cloud stares into the ceiling. Yeah, yeah. We're all very worried about General Sephiroth. 

More leg bouncing. Then Zack pushes off the bed and stands back up. "You, uh… talk to anyone yesterday?"

"I saw my mom." 

"Oh! That's good," Zack says, in a brighter tone of voice. "Some good home cooking, right?" 

"It's fine." 

Silence.

"...I feel like there's something else bothering you," Zack says, and Cloud hears the leather of his sword harness creak slightly, the way it does when Zack lifts his arm up to rub at the back of his neck. 

Cloud finally sits up. He still can't bring himself to look at Zack, so he addresses the corner of the room. "It's fine if you were too busy to come, but I just wish you said so earlier," he says, and he can feel his voice trembling a little. "I would have gone over sooner." 

"Huh?" 

Cloud turns. Zack's wearing an expression of genuine confusion. 

"I sent you a mail…" Cloud says, hesitantly. "You… you didn't see it?"

Zack's face falls, and he yanks his phone out of his pocket. "No, I, I didn't," he stammers, clicking a button on the keypad several times rapidly with his thumb, "I—oh no, here it is…" 

He didn't see it. Zack's entire job comes through that phone, and he never saw the damn mail. That makes sense, doesn't it? He was getting mission objectives, and probably messages from the SOLDIER program, and all that stuff is what's actually important. "Forget it," he says, and the words are bitter in his mouth. "It's not important."

Zack tosses the phone sideways onto the bed. "No," he insists, and Cloud glances over and then away, like he's too bright to look at. His face is pale. He looks stricken. "No, it's obviously important to you. I'm sorry, man, I really am—my phone was getting blown up by that guide girl with weird questions, and I probably clicked through too fast and marked it read, and—"

"I get it." Cloud crosses his arms tight, his shoulders up high and tense. "You're under a lot of pressure. You've got important stuff to do."

"Cloud, why didn't you say something last night?" Zack pleads. "Like, I know I missed the message, but like… you can talk to me." 

" Can I , Zack?!" Cloud blurts out. 

A ringing silence falls. 

"I—" 

"Listen, I know." The words are all tumbling out in a rush, each trying to get out first. "I know—I know you have a girl under the plate back in Midgar." Zack's eyes go wide. "I know you see her all the time. I know you're crazy in love with her. Everyone knows that. And I'm the one—I'm the one who said we have to cool it off this week, I know! I know I'm never—that I'm never going to be the most important thing to you. So like—what do you mean, 'I can talk to you?' What do you mean, when you crawled into my bed! I—I just—fuck, Cal is dead !"

Zack's mouth works, but he doesn't seem to know what to say. 

Cloud's breath shudders in his lungs. "Zack, what are we?" he asks.

Zack sits back down on the middle bed and, resting his elbows on his spread knees, hangs his head down and takes a slow breath. "I'm sorry…" he says, straightening back up slightly, but glancing to the side. "I've kind of let this go too far without doing something."

Something cold and tight closes around Cloud's heart, like a steel band. Like a dead hand, squeezing. He's done it. He's broken the rules for good. 

What happens at the barracks stays at the barracks, and he's brought it out here to Nibelheim.

"At Modeoheim, I… I wasn't really thinking straight. I'd just had to… do something really hard." Zack's voice wavers, almost breaks, on that. In this moment, recalling that night, Zack seems haunted. Like some dark thing buried inside him was rising up. "I didn't want to be alone. I was scared to be in my own head that night."

Zack looks at Cloud, and then away, as if ashamed. "Originally I just thought, maybe if I was sleeping next to someone else, I'd feel more normal. And then you offered to share sleeping bags, and I thought, okay, maybe we could fool around, maybe it would take my mind off things. It was supposed to be one night. Maybe we'd never see each other again.

"But then, I…" He rubs the back of his neck. "I kept thinking about you. I kept coming back to the PubSec barracks. I kept saying to myself, well, you know, you like him, and he seems to like you, and you know. We could die at any time, so why not? And then… before I knew it… it's been two years, and…"

Zack looks up. His eyes meet Cloud's eyes. "And I realized I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose this." 

Cloud's fingers tighten around his biceps. Pressing, pressing. In a shaking voice, he says, "I don't want to lose you either." 

Zack hesitantly continues: "I know I haven't been doing the right thing. I… I know this whole situation probably can't go on." 

"I know." His voice sounds so small. Like it's shrinking into nothing inside his throat. 

"I want you to meet her." 

To…

To meet her?

"What?" Cloud breathes. 

Zack stands up. "I love you. And I love her. I know it's probably got to be one or the other. But—I want you to meet her. And I want to apologize to you both. And, maybe this is selfish of me, but I want to hope… maybe we can work something out. The three of us."

A silence falls. Zack's eyes won't leave Cloud's face. It's too much; Cloud looks away, looks around, looks for anything he can look at. It fell from Zack's lips so easily. So simple. As though it were obvious. As though it were easy to do.

In a small, trembling voice: "You love me?"

Zack stares at Cloud. 

Finally, he walks over, and sits next to Cloud, on his left. Turns his right hand over, palm up, on his thigh. 

"Well, yeah, I love you," he says softly. "I mean…Isn't that what we're talking about?"

Cloud covers his mouth with his right hand. With his left hand, he reaches over and takes Zack's hand. They sit like that for a long moment.

In a small, shaking voice, Cloud says it. The thing you can't say. The thing that can't happen. The thing that is supposed to stay in the barracks. 

"I love you, too," he says. "I think I have for a while." 

Zack gives Cloud's hand a little shake. 

That hand that had closed over his heart feels like it's loosening up. But maybe it's just letting go so it can get a new and better grip. "I'm scared…" Cloud admits. "I'm scared to meet her. Your girlfriend." 

Zack puts his other hand over Cloud's. "You're gonna love her. I just know it. And she's gonna love you, too."

"Zack, I know you… you say you love us, and you want this to work out, but…" Cloud isn't sure what "making this work out," whatever that even means, would look like. Part of him is scared to meet her and find out he hates her, after all. The other part of him is scared to meet her and like her. To like her so much that he can't bring himself to take Zack from her. 

Zack squeezes his hand. "I know," he says in a low voice. "I know it's… yeah." 

Cloud inhales, exhales. He squeezes Zack's hand back. "I'll do it. When we get back from this mission. Let's talk. All of us." 

He hears Zack let out a long breath. Something like relief, maybe. "Thanks, Cloud. I… thanks." 

Holding Zack's hand there, talking about the future, talking even about a future—Cloud makes up his mind. He turns to Zack. "Okay. You've made your selfish request. Now I'm making mine."

Zack nods. "Absolutely. What is it?"

"I want to go all the way with you." 

Zack blinks. Cloud says nothing. He blinks again. "What, like now?"

"After we leave here, I'm going to meet your girlfriend. She's going to find out about us. And depending on what happens, what we say… you might have to stop seeing me. And I— " he raises his voice slightly, because Zack looks about to interject—"I can accept that. You have to do right by your girl. But, right now, if it might be the last time, I want to go all the way with you. Besides—" he gestures around them at the room they find themselves in—"this is the most privacy we're ever going to get."

Zack laughs at that, finally breaking some of the tension that's been in the air. He slips his hand out of Cloud's hand, and around his waist, pulling him closer and planting a kiss against the side of his forehead. "You might be right about that," he says. "But what if General Sephiroth walks in on us?"

In the most deadly serious tone Cloud's ever spoken in, for this entire conversation and possibly his life: "I'll fight him." 

"You'll fight him?"

"I'll fight him." 

Zack turns Cloud's face towards his with his free hand. He grins. "I'd like to see that," he says, and kisses Cloud on the lips. 

After that, Zack gets up and makes sure the door is locked and braced (with the Buster Sword, no less). Cloud takes the opportunity to slip his boots and fatigues off, his heart pounding. 

They've only ever gone as far as hand and mouth stuff. Zack's never pressed for more, and neither has Cloud. But that doesn't mean Cloud hasn't thought about more. Hasn't imagined it. Hasn't dreamed about it. 

Satisfied that they were uninterruptible, Zack turns around, and when his eyes land on Cloud, stripped down to a tank top and boxers in the middle bed, they light up. 

"Is now a good time to tell you that keeping my hands off you all week has been really hard?" he says, fumbling the laces open on his boots one at a time, all while never breaking his gaze. 

God, it wasn't just him. "When we were practicing with your sword the other day, I really wanted to start flirting with you," Cloud confesses, biting his lip and leaning back on his hands in the bed. 

"Yeah," Zack agrees, kicking his boots into the far corner and approaching the bed with enthusiastic speed. 

Cloud leans up and Zack leans down and they kiss as he crawls onto the bed. Cloud reaches up and undoes Zack's sword harness in a few practiced movements, and it slides off of him and to the side of the bed. Zack kisses hungrily, hungrier than usual, and his hands find Cloud's waist quickly, feeling around and dipping below the waistband of his boxers to grab his ass. 

Kissing him breathlessly, Cloud whispers, "Tell me what to do," as he runs his fingers up Zack's stomach under his shirt. 

"Well, first, help me get these pants off," Zack says, and Cloud obliges. Thus freed, Zack pushes Cloud back and lies down flat on top of him, grinning. Cloud is about to gasp out that he isn't sure this is how you do it, before Zack pushes himself back up. He shows Cloud a little bottle of something he must have pulled out from under the bed. "Just a little grease," he says, by way of explanation. 

Cloud nods. It's getting so real now. He swallows. "What do I do?" he asks.

"Boxers off," Zack orders. Cloud wiggles out of them. He glances down at himself, and then away. He only has abs in the mirror when he flexes, and only before breakfast. His dick seems so small and pale compared to Zack's, in the light of the afternoon sun, compared to the furtive dark corners of Shinra Building supply closets. 

But Zack runs a warm hand down Cloud's stomach, towards where he's half-hard, and he leans in and kisses Cloud on the lips. Cloud nervously reaches for the lube in Zack's hand. Should he be lubing Zack up? 

Zack snatches it back. 

"You have to relax, man," he explains. "You're all wound up. I can feel how tense you are." He puts the lube on the nearby nightstand. "Forget about that." As he looks at Cloud below him on the bed, his eyes soften. "Come here," he says, and—in one smooth motion—he curls an arm around Cloud, pulls him close, and flips them so that Zack is on his back in the bed, and Cloud is lying on top of him. 

"Oh?" Cloud blurts. 

Zack nuzzles into the place where Cloud's shoulder meets his neck. His favorite spot to leave his mark. "Just trust me," he says. "Let's just have fun." He sets teeth against Cloud's neck and sucks. It's easy to raise dark purple hickeys on Cloud's pale skin. 

It's one thing in the dark, in the hangar, behind shelves or in supply closets; it's another thing in the bright cold autumn light of the Nibel Mountains. His skin is so smooth, and his tan complexion brings out the curves and lines of his muscles. And in the light, it's impossible to deny the sparkle in his eye when they break for air in between kisses, or the hungry way he looks at Cloud. The way his eyes rove all over Cloud's face, his skin, his body. Zack wants him. Zack wants him . Zack wants him.

And seeing Zack under him makes Cloud's dick twitch a little. He'd always imagined Zack in the active role, but now, now Zack is gazing up at him with affection, with lust, with something even like adoration. Cloud's heating up as they make out, as he imagines pinning Zack into this bed, if he were strong enough to do it.

(Cloud really doesn't want to give him up.)

Zack's hand has been migrating down Cloud's back, tracing over his back muscles, over the ridges of his spine. Cupping around and under his ribs to find his ticklish spots. His hand reaches Cloud's ass. His other hand reaches behind him and grabs the lube. While Cloud kisses his neck, he fiddles with it behind Cloud's back, and then sets the bottle back on the stand. 

"We're going to loosen you up a little first, see how you take it," he explains, and presses his finger against Cloud's rear entrance. 

As he pushes it in, Cloud's heart flutters. Even with the lube making it slippery, it feels foreign, but it also sends a little jolt through him of anticipation. 

"Damn, Cloud, have you never stuck something up there while jacking off?" Zack says, incredulous. "You are tight ." 

"No," Cloud admits. 

Zack pushes his finger in a little farther. "Don't fight it. Just kind of relax around it." He kisses Cloud again, opening his mouth into him, inviting Cloud to do the same. 

Zack's finger sends little shivers through Cloud. He tries to hold himself together, to not fall apart, to—

 "Cloud," Zack drags his lips across Cloud's cheek, whispers in his ear. "You can't try to be cool, okay? Just let it all out." He pushes his finger a little deeper and Cloud gasps, and Zack says, as he kisses his neck, "Show me how crazy you are for me." 

Cloud's dick throbs so hard that it shifts against Zack's stomach, and Zack surprises Cloud by slipping a second finger in. " Ffffuck , Zack," Cloud breathes. Heat coils in his stomach, as Zack's lubricated fingers slide around in him, work him open. Cloud arches his back, pushes up a little, and sees Zack staring at him, those mako-bright eyes taking him in like he's something gorgeous, something precious.

"Can I say something really filthy?" he asks. Cloud can only nod, thoughts growing hazy with the heat rising in his cheeks, in his head. Zack curls his fingers slightly inside him, and Cloud lets out a little moan that he couldn't hold back. "I've imagined this," he says. "About seeing you let loose a little. About"—his fingers finally hit a spot that sends a jolt of pleasure through Cloud's body, he's never felt anything like it, and Cloud cries out even louder—"fucking you with my fingers until you're crying and whining… And begging me… for my cock. You're always so tense…"

"Z-Zack…" Cloud gasps. He can barely think. Whatever Zack just did to his ass was nuts… Maybe he really could beg him for his cock. "Zack, I… Just fuck me…" 

Zack pulls his fingers out a little bit, and then plunges them back in, with a third added. "Fuck you with what?" he asks, teasing. 

Cloud groans. But he wants it so badly. "Fuck me with your cock, Zack," he says, his voice low. 

"Ask nicely?" His middle finger touches the spot again. Cloud writhes. 

"Please! Please fuck me, Zack," he gasps. "Fuck me with your big fat cock, I don't care, just…" He pants. "I want to…"

Zack slowly pulls his fingers out. Cloud's dick, hard as a rock, has traced little scribbles of pre-come on Zack's tight abs. He feels like he could pop at any second. "That was good," Zack says. He slaps Cloud's ass lightly. "We're switching positions. You lie on the bed now. Do you want it on your back or your stomach?" 

"I want to watch the stupid face you make when you come in me," Cloud's mouth shoots off before his brain catches up. 

Caught off-guard, Zack lets out a deep, genuine belly-laugh at that. "Okay! On your back, then!" 

They change places. Zack lubes himself up, while Cloud lies back against the pillow, hands above his head. Zack sits back to admire the view for a moment. "You're really, really pretty, man," he says, running a knuckle (damp with the slick) against Cloud's cheekbone. "You know that?" 

"I only ever got called pretty by people who were mad at me for it." 

Zack strokes his cheek again. "That's sad," he says softly. 

Cloud flushes. He looks over at the wall. "You're gorgeous, too," he says. "You're so ripped. I've been working out for two years, and I'm still that scrawny kid who left Nibelheim."

Zack strokes down Cloud's chest, gently touches the softness of his stomach. "Normal people can't have abs like mine without cutting and dehydrating. It just comes with the mako injections." Cloud looks back over when Zack bends down and presses his lips to Cloud's stomach, dragging them down towards his cock. 

"But I've seen you in the sims every morning," he says, his voice husky. "How fierce your gaze is when you hold a sword. How single-minded you get when you're determined." He meets Cloud's eyes, and smiles. Cloud can't speak. "Or did you think I only liked you because you're pretty?" 

"...I didn't know why you liked me," Cloud admits. His voice feels so small inside his throat. "No one's ever liked me before."

Zack leans back, repositions himself. Strokes a hand down Cloud's thigh. "They're out of their minds ," he says, and presses his cock against Cloud's entrance.

Zack's huge. Even three fingers felt small compared to this. For a moment, Cloud thinks there's no way it's going to go in. "Breathe, and relax," Zack reminds him. "Think about how you relaxed earlier, when I opened you up." The corner of his lip quirks up. "Think about how bad you begged me for my cock a minute ago."  

Cloud breathes, and arches his back a little. Zack's cock slips in further and further. "That's it," he cooes. "You're doing great." Cloud blinks back tiny tears forming in the corners of his eyes. "Yeah." Zack strokes his stomach again. "That's right. Let me in." 

Cloud thinks about how a lot of guys he knows had their first time up the ass be a harsh, rough treatment against the back wall of a bar, by some older CO with booze on his breath. "Zack…" he whispers. "Was your first time… like this?" 

Zack stills for a moment. He glances away. Towards the door. Towards his sword. "...Yeah," he says, huskily. "Something like this." 

Cloud looks at the sword. Last night, Zack had held it to his forehead. Slowed his breathing. As if in prayer. "...Thanks," Cloud whispers. 

Zack shakes himself slightly, rousing himself from his reverie. "Alright," he says. "Let's go." 

He begins to thrust in Cloud. Cloud's breathing hitches. It's so much… it… Cloud moans, and as he moans, he feels Zack thrust deeper, and that raises his voice high and shivering. He's never heard himself like this before. It was always of the utmost importance to be quiet and furtive, in their previous trysts. It sounds… pornographic. "Z… Zack…" he whimpers. 

Zack's breathing grows harsh in response. "Keep it up. I want to hear you." 

Cloud's cries become desperate. Zack undoes him a little more with every thrust. He starts finding that spot again, and Cloud's moans turn to whimpers, turn to sobs. At some point, he comes, bucking his hips up and spilling his load between Zack's abs and his own. Zack only slows slightly, but then picks up the pace again. 

"Almost," he promises Cloud. "Almost…" 

Cloud's barely aware of where they are anymore. Nothing else matters. He's gone soft now, but Zack rutting in him is still so good. Zack softly whimpers, and Cloud feels the heat rising in Zack's dick, in his crotch. "I'm…" Zack's eyes are unfocused. Cloud reaches for his hand, pressed into the mattress by his shoulder, wraps fingers around his wrist. Zack pulls it up and interlaces their fingers. 

Zack comes in Cloud, hot and hard. Hard . Panting, he pulls out, and almost collapses on top of him. 

"Wow," he gasps. "I just… wow." 

"That's… my line, isn't it?" Cloud says. He's exhausted. They lie there for a few minutes, neither saying anything. Listening to each other's breathing slow. 

Finally, Cloud says, "Should we clean up?" 

Zack grins and jerks his head to the side. "We have a spare bed, don't we?"

They get up and scrub off with the topsheet, tossing it back onto the dirtied bed. Cloud feels a surge of vindictive pleasure at the thought of the old innkeep having to launder them, without knowing it was Cloud Strife's Triumphant Seduction of a First Class SOLDIER he was scrubbing out of them. Zack asks why he's grinning like that. He declines to answer. 

In the aftermath—the afterglow?—Cloud curls under Zack's arm as they lay together in the next bed over. The now-late afternoon sunshine spills across the bed and towards the wall. Cloud reaches up and tugs on Zack's forearm, letting Zack pull him closer and tuck him under his chin. 

It… it feels okay. Promising Zack he'd keep an open mind. Preparing to accept whatever comes. Even if it has to end. Cloud has this moment. He'll always have this moment. They can get through this. Tomorrow, they'll call for extraction in the absence of new orders. Cloud won't have to come back to Nibelheim. It'll all be okay. 

"Tell me about her," he says softly. 

Zack thinks about it for a moment. "She's really pretty," he begins. Corrects himself—"No, beautiful." Cloud hums like Oh? and Zack laughs. "Kinda depends on the angle…"