Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

TSUKISHIMA

I got my driving license mostly because people around me were a real danger on the road. As a person who likes walking or using public transport to move around, having to worry about a car and everything related to it was and it’s still not my thing. That’s why, even though I clearly know how to drive (and I do it quite well), putting myself behind the wheel is a real pain in the ass.

Walking or taking the train means you only have to worry about going in the right direction or picking the correct line. Driving, on the other hand, puts you into a total danger situation in which not only you have to pay attention to every single detail around, but also trust that everyone around you will do so, too. And life has taught me a million times that my confidence is wasted if I give it to someone else other than myself.

With that being said, I drive to the airport earlier than needed, just because I prefer to get there with enough time rather than facing traffic jam. Which, sadly, it’s quite usual in this city. Since I’m not going to pay for the parking ticket, I make sure I bring the car closer to the terminal gates so we don’t have to walk a lot on the way out. I select one of the collect & leave spots, even though I know I will for sure stay longer than allowed in here, but that’s what motivates me at the moment. 

Seeing the car owner losing his mind after paying the bill to leave this place puts a smile on my mouth already.

I pick up my headphones on my way out, but I leave my light jacket behind because, even if I brought it with me just in case, I know it’s quite stupid since it’s still summer, and this city is never cold enough to use one. Anyway, I play my tunes on my way in and then look for the huge screens so I can make sure the gates I have to go to. It’s first floor, number Y12. Once I’m there, I just look for a bench where to seat and I only stand up when, after an hour of being here, my stomach is starting to eat itself because I, of course, didn’t have any breakfast.

The closest coffee shop is a few gates away. I go and pick a black one, size large, and then I move back to my place. My seat is taken, which was expected, so I decide to move around making time. Phone in hand, I read some news and get into my mail inbox to make sure I have everything ready for tomorrow. Classes are about to start. It’s finally my last year before I can make a decision on my future, and, to be fair, living on my own these last months have helped me a lot on it.

Not that it took my stress away, or that I woke up one day knowing everything I didn’t know before, but at least I didn’t have anyone around me annoying me to death.

Sadly for me, once I see the gates are open and people are starting to come out, I remind myself that will change in less than ten minutes. I take a deep breath and move towards the separation line. Lots of people gather around the exit as if travelers wouldn’t know how to move on their own once they cross the doors. I roll my eyes at least three times trying to not get pushed by a few men and some other woman carrying stupidly huge baggage. They are not even flying, why bringing something so annoyingly big?

They almost make me drop my glasses twice. I also end up bring down my headphones because I’m not listening to anything other than screams and cryings around. My empty cup is soon to become a murderer weapon if people don’t stop wandering like if there would be any other gate that the one they have in front. I decide to go away and toss it to the trash can before I regret my actions, and I haven’t turned myself completely yet when I almost crash into a hobbit size twenty-four years old boy with messy and ginger hair way too smiley for my taste.

“Tsukki!”, he yells, both arms in the air waiting for a hug I obviously don’t give him.

“Shoyo”, I say as a stoical and welcoming reply. Then I move to the right to avoid him when he jumps trying to reach me. I can’t go any further because his damn boyfriend is right behind, and even if I’m taller, he is still large enough for me to crash into him. “Tobio”.

“Is my car safe?”, he asks. That was fast. His blue eyes go through me as if he would be reado for me to lie. Compared to his lover, his black hair looks perfectly brushed.

Keep yourself quiet, Kei. Don’t laugh yet.

“Sure”. I bring the keys out and hand them to him. “Nice and clean”.

“Great”.

I surpass his position with the simple desire of leaving both behind and ignore Shoyo calling me again, and then I notice something: hugging my old friend would have been better than facing reality with so much rudeness.

Tadashi is here, right behind a trolley full of suitcases and a few sweat drops running through his temples. Knowing how much he enjoys training, I know carrying the luggage is not as painful as seeing me here. I understand; for me, driving on rush hour is also not as relevant as facing him again. After three fucking months of not sharing a word.

“Hey”, he says first. The soft tone of his voice is a clear proof of how stressed he is. Still, he manages to speak up faster than I do.

That hasn’t changed, for what I see. He has always been braver than I am.

“Hi”, I reply. Tobio has moved forward, and he is next to me. I hate to know he is smiling with perverse eyes. I wonder how long have they been talking about our reunion, and why do they enjoy it so much, if it’s clearly a fucking mess. “Why are you carrying everything all by yourself?”, I ask. I don’t feel better after doing so.

Tadashi’s brown eyes get sad after hearing my question. All his freckles seem to move around as if they were all scared of hearing my voice. The antenna of his brunet-almost-greenish hair straights up in alarm.

Yep, I get it. That’s totally not what someone in our situation may say after so long without seeing each other, so I understand he reacts like that. Damn. I didn’t expect this to go smoothly, but I was hoping for some decency from my side. Seems like I forgot how to treat with humans after three months.

“Well”, he tries to respond with a tender voice and half a smile, “I’ve been living rent-free for three months thanks to them. What else could I do?”.

“But it’s been rent-free with them”, I try to mock. “That’s enough of a punishment”.

He shares a lovely smirk, but I can barely see it since he brings his face down. 

Also, Shoyo has moved pretty fast to the opposite site his boyfriend is invading. I’m surrounded by both of them now, and this is way worse than waiting in front of the gates next to hundreds of people.

“What are you talking about?!”, the ginger complains. “We are the best roommates, you know that!”. I sigh because I can clearly fight him back on that. “Also, we had a great time. Not only we won the tournament, but we were able to travel around and see cool places”. He stands on his tiptoes, trying to reach me. I look down at him as if he were a kid. “You would know so if you had answered us more often!!!”.

“Such a pity”, I joke, and ironically smile at him. “I really missed you, guys”.

“Damn it, Tsukki!”. Tobio grabs him by the waist before he tries to follow me once I start walking. Tadashi has pushed the trolley too, and that means we are both heading the exit gates of the terminal together.

I decide to ignore the couple on our back hating on me so freely.

“Sorry you had to drive on rush hour”, Tadashy tells me. “We tried to change the flights, but… These were the cheapest ones we found”.

“No worries”. I really don’t mind. “The sooner you were to arrive, the faster we would get to the frat”. 

We all live in the High Queuers University campus. To be more specific, at the Karasuno fraternity. Back in the day, when the four of us chose that one, we did so thinking it would be the quietest and most peaceful one. Or that they thought. Me, knowing them three, knew I was getting myself into trouble.

Goodbye, my three months of dreamy loneliness and silence.

I try to ignore their complains on our way to the car. I end up looking for Tadashi once we finish fitting every suitcase on the trunk, just so I can share some desperation. He is biting his lip; not a single time hasn’t he enjoyed how much they both get me on my nerves. For once, I’m not going to complain. I won’t say it out loud, but somehow it feels good to see them back. Maybe not them two, but… Yeah. I can’t get rid of my friends that easily.

Tadashi comes with them on a pack. 

“Wouldn’t be better if Tsukki drives us home?”, Shoyo asks. He sat on the passengers seat, next to Tobio. This one is touching the wheel as if it was his boyfriends legs or something.

“No way”, he says. “I missed driving”.

“It’s been a while since you didn’t crash into someone, hasn’t it?”, I say.

Tobio looks for me full of rage. I’m right behind Shoyo, so it’s easy for him.

“That was once!”, he roars like a wild animal.

“Per year”, I insist. 

Tadashi laughs and my sarcastic smile slowly turns into something that could be considered honest. I keep it cool as soon as I realize. Thankfully, he is covering his mouth with the closest arm to the window, and he doesn’t see me. The two lovers in front are ignoring me, too.

“I just say that, after three months, maybe it’s better if Tsukki drives home”, Shoyo insists. “You hate the highway anyway, and driving is not your best trait”.

Tobio turns his face to the side to shoot his boyfriend a killing look.

“I’m good at driving”. I stay quiet, because he is not. “Don’t get jealous”.

“I’m not”. Shoyo roars back. “I’m better than you”.

“You can’t even reach the wheel”, I add.

“Shut up, Tsukki!!!”, the both yell.

And with that being said, the car’s owner turns the engine on and we move from the parking lot. Tadashi is still laughing when we reach the exit and Tobio has to pay the bill. My companion’s smirk is way too charming for me to pay attention to my old friend complains, and sadly, I wish it wasn’t the case.

It takes us twenty minutes to get to the main road that leads to the HQ university. When I was alone, driving on rush hour wasn’t that much of a drama. Tobio has been paying the gas the whole month. If I had to wait on traffic jam, I did with no problem. Now, sadly, I’m trapped on a car with a couple that doesn’t shut up and a boy who stays quiet. 

Ironically, the voices of the duo are not noisy enough for me to ignore the loudness of Tadashi’s silence.

It would be as easy as talking normally. But we both know how stubborn I can be, and since I already messed up our first meeting after the summer break, it’s obvious that he is not going to push it any further. That’s why I glance at him with the corner of my eyes. He stares through the window, lost in his thoughts, for sure some of them created by my stupid attitude. Still, the reflection when we cross a darker side of the rode, or we go by a tunnel helps me confirm he is not tearing up.

I would have hated myself if that was the case.

Looking down at the space between us, I see his hand resting close to mind. Both are still far enough for the touch to not exist. Still, I wonder if it would be too suspicious to move mine slightly to his. To caress his little finger with mine, as a signal of me wanting to talk somehow. To fix the mess I provoked three months ago, and that I haven’t solved yet.

As if our problems would be as simple as that.

You can say it, Kei. You can say you missed him, even if that’s exactly the reason why you both have always been so distant.

I’m about to caress him when Tobio decides to ruin my plans.

“Did you drive it?”. He looks at me on the rearview and I bring my arm to my stomach.

He is frowning and I haven’t answered yet.

“Sure”, I say. “Twice a week, as requested”. 

“It feels sore”.

“It’s a car”, I remind him. “How is a car going to feel sore?”.

“I just know”. 

I lean my head against the seat and roll my eyes to the roof.

“I really hope you graduate this year, Tobio”, I say. “I want to get rid of you already”.

While almost crashes us against a truck in front of us, Shoyo is laughing like a maniac as if he wasn’t also on his last year of college. We all are, at least from our current studies. They are both phycologists, ironically since they don’t even know how to comprehend their own minds, but they are about to finish the special field of sports. We are all twenty-four or soon-to-be, so one way or another we are all heading our last student years.

More or less.

I’m about to get my doctorate on paleontology, even if I will for sure continue studying. Tadashi, on the other hand, still has one more year on his environmental engineering modality. So far, we still don’t know what will happen next year. But hopefully, the lovers in front of me stop sharing the room next to mine.

Mine, and Tadashi’s. 

Damn, getting in there is going to be hella funny, am I wrong?

We park at the frat’s garage almost two hours after we left the airport. I don’t look as exhausted as Shoyo, who has been trying to deal with his boyfriend inpatient driving skills for more than forty-five minutes. Tadashi, on the other hand, looks as if he would have been asleep the whole trip. I know it’s not the case, but I still say nothing about it while we pick the baggage and bring it to the building. 

I’m the first one getting to our floor because the two idiots are walking around as if this place wouldn’t be the same as three months ago. They haven’t even changed the plants that decorate the corridors. How can they be so stupid?

“I missed this!”, Shoyo says. Right behind, Tobio’s eyes shine as if this was paradise.

I really need to rent a flat and move away from here.

“It smells like home”, Tadashi adds.

“Yes, right?!”, Shoyo continues. “It’s the scent of… of… cotton and sweets”.

“Are you sure that’s not your backpack?”, I point out. 

And even if he stares at me ready to jump to my throat, Tobio is sniffing his belongings, proving me I’m right.

“I take it back, I didn’t miss you at all”. My ginger friend says.

I bring the card-key to our room door and open it.

“You never said you missed me ”.

Tobio has to hold him back so he doesn’t come after me. I hear them both still yelling for different reasons when I come into the room and let one of Tadashi’s backpacks on the floor. I’ve been here for three months on my own, I didn’t go back home because I decided to work on one seminary to raise some grades. Still, now that I see our beds, the one that looks like has been away for the whole summer it’s me.

Tadashi closes the door, and stares next to me to our mattresses. The one that, since we moved here, have been forced together to create a queen size bed.

I’m paralyze, and I don’t know why. The worst thing it’s I don’t know why is he either.

“ They are still together ”, I suppose he thinks. “ I guess it’s so you got a bigger bed ”.

The truth is, I never even though of separating them. 

“ But you can’t stop thinking about how will we separate instead ”, I hear his voice, even if he doesn’t speak up. 

Shit. I had a long ass time to get ready for this, and I clearly didn’t even try.

“Thanks for coming picking us up”, Tadashi says. He is the first one moving, picking up his backpack from where I left it and bringing it to the desks on the right. Like our mattresses, they are side by side. Everything is the same as before he left.

Why does it feel so different, then?

“Yeah”, I add. “No worries”. I think it’s the second time we talk about this. 

We haven’t talked about anything else.

“I didn’t ask you about the flight”. That’s the most stupid comment I could make, but I have silence when it’s not made to bring calm. “Nor the holidays”.

“Well…”, he shares a short laugh while he opens up his backpack and starts emptying it. “I was there as a fan, only, so I enjoyed my free time whenever they were training”.

I nod and walk myself to the opposite side of the room, next to our wardrobe and a few shelves. The place is not that big, we have the common areas for that. Still, it feels huge enough for me to feel distant.

“They liked it, though”, he continues. “Even if it was a summer camp, it was good. They may even get a chance for a big team once the finish their studies”.

They are both lucky enough to play volley, the most popular sport nowadays. On the same side, the fact that there are so many people wanting to join a team makes it harder for them to find a spot. I don’t doubt they will manage to get into a big team one day, same as I’ve never doubted about me getting my dream job next summer.

I can’t say the same about Tadashi. Sadly, he is still quite lost.

“But it was fun”, he still says. “I felt a bit lonely, but…”

He notices that his words may have second intentions, and we both stare at each other way too fast. Before his trip with Tobio and Shoyo, I would have ignored his reaction and continue with my life. Now, though, I don’t move a muscle. 

I feel disgusted and I also feel annoyed. Both things have nothing to do with him but, at the same time, it gets me on my nerves that he knows what’s going on. Simply because it means I’m right. It means that there are enough reasons for me to feel like this, especially after what he just said.

But I wonder if he also notices I regret it, and I feel bad for him. If, deep down, he realizes that I’m not acting like the day he told me he was going with them to that volley camp. That I’m aware I’m the reason this is messed up, and surprisingly, I accept my guilt.

“I’m sorry”, he bubbles. Both his hands stay halfway to his mouth as if he wanted to cover himself and stopped. “I didn’t mean…”.

“It’s okay”. I won’t let him feel bad about this. “I missed you too”.

The heavy weight on my shoulders, one that has been following me around for three months, flies away slowly. It does’t disappear; a few threads still connect me with the past, and the agony that implies is quite hard to ignore. 

Still, when Tadashi bites his lip and ignores his backpack, I sense the strong cords as weak hairs that are easily breakable. I don’t know if he manages to destroy them when he runs towards me and kisses me, but at least I feel like they are nowhere to be felt. 

In total honesty, it’s hard to feel something different than him right now.

I allow the kiss to go further and I end up bringing my hands up to cup his jaw with one and to caress his neck with the other one. He has crossed both his arms around my neck, and devours me with a hungry mouth that moves away only when his owner decides to breathe.

Then he stays close to me, looking for my eyes while his start getting wet. That’s painful to see, almost as much as feeling his heartbeats going way faster than mine.

“I’m sorry, Kei”, he begs for forgiveness. “Damn it, I didn’t mean it that way. I really missed you, but…”.

“It’s fine”, I insist. I bring one hand down to his waist. “Honestly, you have nothing to apologize for”.

“That’s not true”. I take a deep inhale as I regret we are having this conversation.

The last thing I need is him thinking he is the one to blame. I’ve made it clear for years this is no one’s fault. After three months, I expected him to accept it already. Guess I was wrong, and distance has proven me so in the worst way.

I freeze as he gets warmer than ever. Fuck, it’s been only a few seconds since we kiss, how is it possible we are already feeling like this?

“I shouldn’t have left the way I did”, he says. “We should have talked before. I feel like we haven’t shared a word in three months because of me”.

“I didn’t talk, either”, I remind him. “Don’t be harsh on yourself. We can’t change it”.

“Yeah, but…”. Even if he tries to hug me closer, he decides to pull back. It takes me by surprise, even though I’m used to it. Sadly, it’s basic behavior between us. “Still, I’m sorry. I know we are not together, but I can’t help but feel like I ruin whatever thing we have just by saying that”.

That’s… going way too ahead compared to where I am right now. 

“You only said you felt lonely, Tadashi”. He brings his gaze down to hide from mine. “As far as I know, that’s legit”.

“But I don’t want you to think I’m implying something else”. I guessed so, but I also hoped that, if I didn’t say a thing about it, he wouldn’t bring it up. “Especially after what happened before I left, I feel like I have no right to miss you”.

The worst thing about that thought is not the thinking itself, but what feeds that stupid idea of him having said right to feel like that or not. Mostly because it always seems as if I was the one deciding if he is allowed to do so or if it’s forbidden. 

The pressure on my chests grows and so do my heartbeats. My hand starts shaking, and I decide to move it away from his body. I don’t know if he is conscious about walking away from me or not. It’s scary to think he is so used to do it that the move comes automatically from him. I regret I let him go of his waist.

“You can miss me”, I say clearly. His brown eyes find mine, and for a long second I wish I knew what he is honestly thinking when his brows curve down like that. “I just wish neither of us did”.

I just wish missing someone wasn’t a thing, and distance didn’t exist.

Even if I don’t speak up, I know he, on the contrary, knows exactly what goes through my mind right now. It wouldn’t be the first time I mentioned it, either, so that being implied is enough of a reason for him to nod and step back even further.

I guess everything went just as I didn’t want it to go.

“I wish so too”, he says. But the softness of his voice makes it hard to believe it.

Months ago, I would have brought it up. Today, I decide to let him go.

He is back with his belongings, and I sit on the mattresses end to rest. Now silence feels different from before. Now, at least, we both have decided to stay quiet, and the lack of words means nothing more than the cruel reality of our relationship: there is nothing left to say at this point. Worrying as we do about a future idea of missing each other, I start to fear it will be too late once we realize that what we are actually missing is completely gone.

Chapter Text

TSUKISHIMA

I didn’t know how much I enjoyed loneliness till I lost it. Especially in the mornings, while I’m still asleep and my lovely neighbors decide to be as noisy as possible.

Yeah, I didn’t miss Shoyo and Tobio at all. Their early mornings for volley practice have always been so annoying, I can’t believe they haven’t gotten tired of them yet. 

Anyway, I wake up to the excitement of my ginger friend and the screams of his boyfriend while they get ready to go. Next to me in bed, Tadashi opens his eyes almost at the same time as I do: right when Shoyo crashes against a door Tobio tries to open way too fast. We are yin and yang; while I groan in despair, the boy on my side shares a shy laugh. I don’t even want to think how it’s been to spend the whole summer with those two on a training camp. My biggest nightmare turned into a joke vacation trip.

We wait till they are gone to get out of bed. Tadashi goes to shower first, and I follow him right after. Still, I get dressed way faster than him, because when I get into the room, he is still sitting in bed with his towel on, phone in hand.

“You are already giving up?”, I ask him. His puppy eyes look for my still tired ones. “I don’t see you are in the mood for the first day of classes”. 

He goes back to his phone screen with a soft smile.

“I was talking with Hitoka”. I supposed it, that’s why I’m not surprised. “She starts next week, I didn’t know that. I thought she would be here already”.

“Fine arts always start a bit later than us”. Science studies are on the go in the first week of September. Therefore, they finish a bit earlier so we have more time to do our final projects. Yachi, since she is on the artistic side, starts the course mid-month or later.

I only know that because she is Tadashi’s best friend. I guess she is also mine, but it’s so hard for me to make labels on people that even that is complicated.

The most obvious proof is now finally getting dressed in front of me.

We only slept last night; he and the guys were too tired to stay awake for too long, and even if Tadashi and I managed to stay on good terms after our reunion, I’m glad he fell asleep quite fast. We went for lunch and a walk with the couple before heading to the frat to watch a movie, and that was all. For me, at least, it was still too soon to face any other kind of… encounter. Even though right now, after three months without seeing him, having him completely naked in front of me is not being of any help.

“Have you trained with them during camp?”, I ask while I go to my desk to make sure my backpack is all set. I’m only missing my laptop charger.

“Sometimes”, he says. “Why?”.

“You look fitter”. 

He has always been skinny, especially during high school. Same as I, it wasn’t till our college years till we gained some muscle. We are still slim, way too much if we compare ourselves to Shoyo or Tobio, who are always doing sports. But we were not that much into volley to try to make a living out of it. Tadashi sometimes plays with them, me too if I’m not too busy, but that’s all.

With that being said, I’m one hundred percent sure he has gotten fitter this summer.

“Oh”. He seems surprised that I noticed. “Well, I went to the gym with them almost every day. It’s not that I trained as hard as them, but… I was bored staying motionless”.

“Understandable”. 

I prefer to say just that other than pointing out any other detail. 

“Oh, by the way”. He appears quickly on my side. Some of his travel bags are still packed because, again, they were all too tired to even unpack yesterday. Seems like he forgot to bring out something from one of his belongings. Something small, packed on a shiny yellow wrapping paper. “I got you a gift. Forgot to give it to you yesterday”.

I barely blush at anything, but he manages to make me red while I try not to face him. I wait till I feel serene and then pick the present up. It’s soft, feels like some kind of cloth accessory. When I open it, I see it’s a small plushie hanging on a keychain: a green triceratops with big bright blue eyes. It’s not bigger than my palm, and I sense my hand shaking a bit while I hold it.

“I think Shoyo told you we passed by a history museum”. I love the expression “history museum” because what else could it be? A Museum is a place where history is told, it doesn’t matter the time or content. Still, I don’t want to sound like a know-it-all, so I obviously don’t point it out to him. I would have if he were Tobio or Shoyo, though. “There was a dinosaur section and, of course, I saw this on the gift shop and thought of you”.

Since I’m preparing to be a paleontologist, it’s obvious everybody thinks of me when seeing dinosaur related stuff. I’m not surprised but, still, it makes me share a soft smile while I analyze the incongruous yet beautiful little triceratops.

“It’s cute”, I say. He is close to me, biting his right thumbnail, so he can see perfectly that I’m touched. “Thanks”. Then, I hang it on my backpack’s zipper. Right next to a badge of a velociraptor saying you velocir rapted my heart he also got me a few years ago, and a few others he or my friends have given to me during our time in college. “Shall we go?”.

He nods, and then we leave the room and the Karasuno building and head towards our respective campuses. Since High Queuers is the biggest university in the area, there is no career that is not studied here. The name itself is quite hideous, and it references the long waiting list that are always filled with people willing to access this place. Tadashi and I got our place thanks to our immaculate academic record. Shoyo and Tobio, because they were accepted on the volley team and got the bare minimum of acceptable grades. Sports are the only way of getting in here other than our exams. Even with that, though, some careers don’t include people in their programs if they don’t reach a specific range. It doesn’t matter if they are Tobio Kageyama or Shoyo Hinata.

History is one of them, ironically. Physcology, on the other hand, is more accessible.

Environmental engineering, though, it’s the most complicated of the three. Tadashi got the best grades in high school, and he is proving how intelligent he is by still being the top of his class every year.

“I can’t believe I will only have four days of classes this year”, he says before I reach the way that leads to my campus. “It will feel… relieving”. 

He may be too literal, because he even stretches the neck of his light forest hoodie. It reminds me how warm it is today. I’m only wearing a light beige shirt and already feel sweating. 

Even though it may be this stupid situation’s fault.

“I’m jealous”, I confess. “My only victory is that I get most of the evenings free”. Other than that, I have to come every day. He will, too, because he has laboratory and field practices that he can’t skip, but since he enjoys it a lot, he won’t complain much.

“Well, next year you will have quite a lot of free time from classes”. I stop walking and stare suspiciously at him. He turns red while trying not to laugh. “I said classes”.

Because I will have to work at the National Museum of Lightlair, the city next to ours, to complete my PhD. It will be a whole semester of doing my practices there before defending my final project. I’m excited about it, but… Yeah, mentioning it has made us go silent once again because it means way more than just free time.

I need to find a way to break this stupid distance already.

“Will you have lunch with me?”, I ask. 

The fact that I don’t say us and let Tobio and Shoyo out of it, is already enough for his eyes to open wider. For a second, he only bubbles but says nothing. Then, he nods.

“Yeah, sure”. I nod back and then silence strikes us again. “Text me when you are out”, he suggests, to what I, again, nod in acceptance. “Good luck with the schedule”. 

I’m about to wish him the best when he gets closer and kiss me on the corner of my mouth. Since I was ready to talk, the touch of his lips almost crashes against mine. There is a shot pause between the moment he realizes and our next movement. It may be only one second, maybe two, but for me, it feels like a fucking eternity till I decide to sigh deeply and then turn my face slowly so we can kiss.

I try for it to be just a tender gesture. Tadashi, though, inhales shakily and then goes for more. We kiss longer than expected, but he stops right when his tongue finds its way to get tangled with mine and his right hand finds its way on my nape’s hairs, over my headphones. 

As if my own muscle would have provoked an electric shock.

He steps back and looks away.

“Sorry”, he says. His eyes start wandering around. “I didn’t mean…”.

“No, it’s fine”. I started it, there is no way he is the one to blame. “Have a good day, Tadashi”. I caress his arm on a soft shake and then go away putting on my headphones. I don’t turn around to see if he is petrified, or he has started walking. Till I arrive at my building, I deal with the stupid fear of always going way too far with him.

***

They don’t tell me anything I didn’t expect, and the first class goes by just like nothing into a short break before the next one. Inauguration days are never that interesting, I shouldn’t even come because it’s better if I go to the library to start booking the study rooms before others do. Still, I don’t want to risk any surprising news from the extra lessons I’m taking this semester. 

As if a PhD wasn’t enough of a pain in the ass.

I go for a coffee and then I head towards the Art in the Ancient Egypt class. Totally not related to my specialty, but still a booster for better opportunities. Actually, it was a suggestion that sounded pretty well in my head last year, that’s why I matriculated on it once I confirmed it wouldn’t interfere with my doctorate.

The main reason, the one to blame, jump scares me when I’m about to space out while the teacher explains what to expect from the subject during the semester.

“Wake up, Tsukki”, a serene voice tells me. The intentions, though, are not kind.

“Hell, Akaashi”. I palm my chest because my heart has gone maniac mode after he pushed me on the shoulders to say hi. “I thought you were already skipping first day”.

“I could have, but I thought it would have been unfair”. He sits next to me, but looks straight to the front. “You would have an advantage, and I’m not allowing it”.

Of course, he fights me on grades even though we are not after the same jobs. I’m better than him, but he is still good enough for me to compare. 

“Sure”. I decide to ignore the fight. It’s way too soon for it.

In fact, we stay quiet while he brings out his laptop during the time the teacher focus on us just because my mate’s entrance has been disturbing enough for everyone to notice. Once they all get used to my his presence, he leans towards me.

“What’s up?”, he says. “How have you been?”. I grab his hand as a salute under the table because otherwise he will end up grabbing mine in rage if I don’t do so. “How’s summer been? It’s been impossible to get in touch with you, as usual”.

Just as he says, I disappear noticeably when college is done.

“Nothing special. As expected”. 

“Well, you seemed to be ready for some big shit, so, I hope my intuition was wrong”.

He knows nothing of what happened before we went on holiday mode , but he is aware enough of my situationship with Tadashi to imagine it wasn’t pleasant. And I don’t need to lie. Of all my friends, he may not be the closest one, but for sure is the only one I can rely on to talk about something like this. The others are way too close to Tadashi for me to feel listened to. I’m always the one to blame for everything that happens between us. Keiji Akaashi, on the other hand, may point at me as the guiltiest one, but knows how to help and offer solutions.

Maybe because he wanted to be a politician before jumping out of his career to get into Arts History. Quite a spectacular movement, I may say. I respect him for that.

“Your intuition was right, I’m afraid”. He turns his head towards me. He gives no fucks about the teacher being a few meters away. We are far enough to whisper without being heard, but our lips are still exposing us. “It’s still an uncomfortable situation”.

“But what the hell happened this time?”. 

I think he has been waiting three months for our reunion to finally ask me that.

“To be honest, I don’t even know”. Which is why I’m so mad at this. “Tadashi said he was going with our friends to a sports camp, and instead of me being happy for them and wait till September to see each other again, I panicked and he felt responsible for it”.

“Responsible? For what, exactly?”.

I sigh in exhaustion.

“For… proving me right”. I change my tone so he notices I’m against the assumption, even if it’s actually correct. “Him going away for three months made me realize that we were too close again. And this being my last year in college, it just scared the hell out of me. He felt bad for it, so he almost quit the trip to stay with me. I obviously told him to not act stupidly because he wasn’t my boyfriend, but I obviously didn’t make it sound as nicely”.

“You got totally mad and played the victim role”. 

I avoid my teacher and send Akaashi a glance. For a second, I ignore a cruel reality: he is the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in my entire life. He is wearing his black glasses today, a perfect match with his dark messy hair and a dark green shirt. I focus on the message sent by his gaze, which isn’t as pretty: he is making fun of me, even if there is no smile or laugh.

“I play no roles”, I point out. “But, yeah. I acted defensive, and he went away before we could fix it”. Which led us to not talk in three months, despite nothing serious happening.

“And have you seen each other already?”. I nod. “So?”.

“We are fine”. I guess that’s not lying. “But I suppose the bomb will explode again soon”. We seem to live in a never ending war.

“I mean, since it’s your last year sharing a… world”, he mimics with his hand, referring to the class we are in as college, “maybe it’s time for you both to properly decide on your future as a couple”.

After a few seconds looking at the teacher pointing out at a screen, my eyes move to Akaashi’s dark blue ones. He doesn’t correct himself, so I do it instead:

“We are not a couple”.

“Maybe that’s the problem, don’t you think?”. Of course, he did it on purpose.

Tadashi and I are not together. Never have been and, being honest, never will. That doesn’t change a cruel reality: we have been acting as one for longer than usual. Mostly, since we moved from school to high school and shared our first kiss during that summer break.

It’s been… almost fifteen years. Fifteen years of feeling stupid and acting like a real moron just because I don’t know how to say no to something I obviously want.

“Maybe once this year is over, you realize you can be one”.

“That won’t happen, Akaashi”. I think we have talked about this at least a million times. My answer hasn’t changed, that’s why he slides down on the bench and sighs. “Now makes even less sense than before”.

“What makes no sense is that you have been using the same excuse for more than ten years when life has been proving you are wrong since then”.

“Actually”, I point out, “it’s been the total opposite: he left this summer, and that proved it couldn’t work. It did on the worst way, I agree, but that doesn’t mean…”.

“It could have worked if you didn’t overreact as you did”.

“But once this year is over, I won’t be overreacting”. He stays quiet as we stare at each other. “I will be gone, Akaashi. And he will be too. We both will take different paths, and relationships can’t work like that”.

My brother and friends have always said I’m too dramatic, but after almost fifteen years, I’m close to prove my point, and I hate it. I wish I was wrong, but there is no way two people can share a love story without seeing each other. And I’ve been always way too worried about other aspects in my life to make love my most important worry.

Before going to high school, I told him I didn’t want to be his boyfriend because I didn’t want to fail on exams. On preparatory time, I used the university access as a reason for me to be focusing onto something different. Then, when coming to college, I didn’t need to give many more. But now that I’m almost done, there is one more obvious than the rest: I’m moving out from here, while he will stay studying and maybe working in the same place as now. If I never wanted a relationship was because those kinds of things don’t work with me. Commitment, proximity and loyalty are key between couples, and if I can’t give all of them, there is no way I’m fulfilling into one.

Tadashi always understood and accepted it. Therefore, none of us really stood aside; we still went out together, made out, had sex and shared daily life. Just now, our bedroom at Karasuno has turned two beds into one. How can I explain this to someone like Akaashi, if I’m well aware of how little sense it makes?

“He’s being more distant since he’s back”, I point out while we act as we cared about the class. “If he kisses me, he gets paranoid right after. As if I was going to tell me to fuck off”.

“I mean…”, he shrugs and I hold my breath. He quickly shakes his head. “Not that you would ever do such thing”. I want to punch him right now. Could he stop being ironic? “Man, it’s about time to understand you are the one getting paranoid over something that may not happen at all”.

“May not happen?”. That’s stupid to say. “We are getting separated”.

“But it may not be a big deal”. I decide to stare at my laptop screen because my not used white document is easier to face. At least I know I’m not going to break my computer. “It can still work. I don’t think Tadashi would panic as much as you think”.

“I don’t think Tadashi is the problem, Akaashi”, I remind him, mocking his words.

Because that’s the thing. For some stupid reason, I tend to make a huge fuss about what would he do if I move away, as if the main problem  here wouldn’t be me not being able to keep a relationship going on if we don’t see each other daily.

Of course I know he would be fine. The thing is, I don’t.

I hate love and partnerships. Why does everything have to be so hard?

“Then, for your own good, maybe it’s better if you put an end to this before it’s too late”.

“Yeah. Would be awesome to share a room with him for ten months without being able to look at each other not even once”.

“Is waiting till last day any better?”.

I mean, no. It will hurt too, but it won’t make things that uncomfortable. Plus, we are not together. There is nothing I can stop, really. Other than us… well, acting as if we were.

The teacher says something about starting over next day, and I guess the class is over because all my mates are standing up. Akaashi turns off his laptop and I do the same with mine. He is already up while I’m pinching my nose bridge.

“Please, next time don’t be so competitive and stay at home”, I suggest him.

I hear him laughing, which normally never happens even if he is a happy guy.

“I’m trying to help”, he kinda sings to me. 

“You are a happy-married man. Your words mean nothing”.

“I’m not married”. I wait for him at the end of the bench. The glance I send to him doesn’t affect his mood at all. “Not yet”.

He is not even engaged and, to be fair, I don’t know what is he waiting for. Akaashi and his boyfriend have been together for at least ten years. I already met him when they were a few ones going on, and even if at first I thought they wouldn’t last, I don’t know a more loving couple. Which I hate. He never talks to me about his future projects together, and on one side I’m glad he does not, but I’m so curious about how do they think it will work out.

Mostly because Akaashi is a boy who may end up traveling a lot due to his passion for arts. And his man… well. Other than being a science genius, it’s quite peculiar as a human being. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t know him at all, because I have refused to get any closer to both of them outside of class. Which sometimes it’s not easy, just like today.

When we leave the stay, mister physics (in every way) Kotaro Bokuto is waiting for his boyfriend leaning onto a column with tired eyes. Those two yellow lightbulbs open like owl ones when they see Akaashi. A huge and tender smile appear on a face that can’t be ignored. It’s sad two cis men can’t procreate on their own, because they for sure would birth the most beautiful creatures. 

And just because of that stupid thought is why I prefer to not get along with them.

“Hey, pretty boy”, Bokuto says to Akaashi, that goes towards him as if they didn’t live together at Fukurodani’s fraternity. “Was your first class okay?”.

“Boring as hell. Thanks for asking, Taro”.

Bokuto is a bit taller than my friend. His half-black and half-white hair, sometimes brushed up like today but sometimes down, doesn’t change the fact that he looks huge compared to Akaashi, despite not being so much taller. He is larger, though. As far as I know, he doesn’t play any sport as a daily basis, but he totally pass by a gym bro.

A kind one, since he is always way too moved by his boyfriend to act any stupidly. 

He is obviously what anyone would consider a hot guy, especially if he is always dressed on tight clothes or baggy ones. I do, too, because I’m not blind nor made out of stone. And him being like that plus having a stunning boyfriend as my friend living a happy life makes it hard for me to stay around when they are together.

“Tsukki!”, Bokuto says to me, offering me a palm to shake.

I move my head up and down once as a salute but ignore the hand gesture.

“How’s summer been?”, I ask out of education.

“Great”. He lays his arm on Akaashi’s shoulders. He brings him closer, too, creating a perfect picture of a lovely couple. Hell, this is painful to see. “We went on holidays with some friends. It was an inspiring trip”.

His boyfriend frowns. That helps me not feel ridiculous.

“Inspiring?”, he says. “You did nothing inspiring in three months, Taro. Only sleep, swim, dance and eat”. Bokuto pouts and his brows go down.

“Don’t be harsh, Keiji. We did way more than that”.

They share a glance in which they seem to be on different pages of the same book. Akaashi is clearly thinking of something he is not going to say out loud, which I’m thankful. Bokuto, on the other hand, may be thinking of deeper stuff. Emotionally deeper.

Why am I still here?

“Sure”, Akaashi says, before going back to me. “We just went to the beach. A family member had a house for rent, and it was cheap”. I didn’t ask, but now I imagine them living a perfect life next to the ocean, both in love in presence of a stunning sunset.

I really miss Tobio and Shoyo right now. They make me hate love. I need that now.

“You know? You could come with us someday”, my friend offers me. Chills go through my spine. I hope they don’t notice. “You can bring Tada…”.

“I will pass”, I say as I decide to walk by to go away.

“You won’t reject me any longer, Tsukishima”, Akaashi says. I sigh and turn around to face him. They both stare at me with a painful insistence. “We have only got to hang out like four times in six years”. That’s sadly true. Every time we meet, it’s for studying. “And I know your birthday falls on a weekend this year”, he points at me with clear intentions. Bokuto raises a brow but scrutinizes me with the other one and half a smile. “I won’t accept a no”.

“I will accept gifts, though”, I joke. Then turn again and wave my hand as a goodbye. “See you tomorrow”.

I’m moved by how much Akaashi cares about me, especially if we consider we don’t hang out that much, as he just said. Still, I don’t see myself being able to explain to him why his relationship with Bokuto triggers me to the point of not enjoying their company that much. Yes, I know even that sciences' genius is up to come with us. He is also way to kind to me, and I don’t get it, because I’m not the most gentle dude to be around. 

Despite that, I can’t handle that much… perfection. They literally look like there are no problems in their lives. As if their routine would be part of a Hollywood movie in which they get home after work or college and watch movies and cuddle or go out for dinner, share time with friends and then go back to their private yet cozy corner at Fukurodani. No fights, no weird situationships in which they wonder if they are meant to be together or not. Just a classic romantic fairy tale that has nothing to do with my suffocated life.

A part of me wonders if their long-lasting love story will end once Akaashi graduates this year and Bokuto has to keep on working on his physicist PhD that will for sure tie him long enough in here. Another part doesn’t want to know.

I have enough knowing Tadashi and I are nothing alike them. That even if we had called ourselves a couple back then, things would be the same as they are today: him wishing me to give more than I can do, and me not being able to offer more than a clear fear of not being made for love. He deserves more, and I deserve to be understood. We are not Bokuto and Akaashi, but I would totally settle with half of what they have just to experience their shared happiness for once.

At least for what awaits for me in the future. At least for Tadashi’s well-being once he finally accepts he will be better without me.

Chapter Text

KUROO

Classes haven’t started yet, but I can already say I’m gonna need more hours per day this year to face all the things I have still to schedule. So far, I had to bring the gym session an hour earlier than usual. All of that, and I don’t even need to attend the laboratory yet. 

I for sure will lose my mind at some point before the course ends. And the worst thing is that, unless I drag Bokuto with me into my plan to avoid it, my best friend will end up going nuts with me. 

I don’t think Akaashi would forgive me if I allow his man to ruin his academic records. Sadly for me, he forgets it’s not my responsibility, even if I work as if it would be.

“You are home early”, Ken tells me when I get into the room. His room. Our room. Whatever, he is the one living in here, even though it’s our house.

That’s a thing I can only say during summer, since once classes start I put a foot on here only from time to time. I wish I could stay lover, more than over some weekends, but at least we are not far from college. Once I get myself a proper job, those goings and coming backs will be over, and Kenma and I will be able to live together as we want.

“To be honest, I haven’t even checked the clock”, I confess, letting myself fall into bed.

“It’s not even eleven in the morning”.

I groan as my body tenses. Damn it, it’s too late already, even if he clearly can’t see it as I do. For him, on the other hand, I guess it’s still early morning. I rise my head up, helping myself on my elbows, and stare at him while he plays on the pc. Since he is on the main room, it means he is just doing it for fun. His streaming time hasn’t started yet.

A soft sigh leaves me body, and then I bring my head down again. This boy, I wish I would have had a dream like his when I was younger, and not this theoretical physicist shit Bokuto dragged me into. I mean, I like it. I love it, obviously, my friend just pushed me into the brave move of pursuing it after so many years thinking I wasn’t worth it. But, damn, Kenma only wanted to play videogames, and the bitch is so good at doing so he made a living out of it. I envy him most times. But I’m also proud.

And happy. He is my sugar daddy, as it could be said. So far I don’t make any income unless our department decides to sign us into some external project. Kenma, though… I mean, we own a house. We do so since he was nineteen, and I was twenty. I’m twenty-six now, and I haven’t been able to enjoy my own residence properly, isn’t it sad?

“You are too quiet”, he points out with husky voice. He is too concentrated on the game, a shooting one. “Are you hating your life already?”.

“Yeah”. That’s exactly what I was doing.

“As usual”, he kinda sings to me. 

I pout and raise my head as a complaint. Sadly, he doesn’t see it.

“You are mean”. I press my hands against my eyelids and groan. “It was my first gym session after summer, couldn’t you be any nicer?”.

“You did great, Kuro”. His voice turns into some kind of ironic enchantment. “Look at you, already stronger than ever. Are those new abs? Man, you are too hot to be handled”.

“Fuck you”. I don’t laugh just so he doesn’t feel special, and I don’t prove how pathetic I am. “I have to go back to college before lunchtime. I came to pick my stuff and see you for a bit. You are clearly not worth my precious time”. 

He says nothing and I wait till his game is over. He lowers down his headset from which I totally heard how he got shot and killed, and then turns his gaming chair in my direction. To this day I still don’t know how he manages to listen what’s going on outside his games when he wears those headphones, but I know for sure he does. 

Anyway, I’m glad he takes them off and stands up to come to bed. Just like a cat, he sits on my thighs and stares at me while on his knees. I use my elbows once more to raise myself up. And then… I do nothing. I just look at his beautiful and bright golden cat eyes, the pointy nose that, for some reason, always gets reddish when focusing too much, and the straight and long brown hair he never manages to fit on a proper bun. Mesmerized, I decide to bring my right hand to his face and play with one of his strands with yellow ends. I roll it on my index finger so my skin gets hugged by his softness.

Meanwhile, Kenma just looks at me. Maybe he wants something, or perhaps it’s just that he wants company. As a cat, sometimes all I have to do is try with one of the options and check on myself. He clearly enjoys the fact that I’m playing with his hair; both his hands have grabbed the lower part of my dark gray t-shirt, and he is only missing purring.

“You hungry, kitty?”, I ask.

“I thought you would bring churros on your way home”.

I let go his hair and crash into the mattress.

“I knew it”, I cry. “You only want me because I bring you churros”.

“Not only, but also”. 

Then, he lets himself down and lays on my side. Since I opened my arms to form a cross with my body, he uses my right biceps as a pillow.

“It was too late for churros”. I obviously checked on that. “The shop closes at ten”.

He growls. Or his stomach does, it’s hard to tell sometimes.

“You won’t be here for lunch, then”, he says, to what I shake my head slowly.

“I cooked before I left this morning”, I point out. “You have some gratin potatoes with bacon in the oven”. He inhales in excitement. “I will be busy, but, I still want the picture”.

“You will have the picture”.

Since we’ve been living together during summer, I didn’t need to check on him eating his food on time. It’s not that he has food issues, we left those worries far behind when we were teens, but gaming consumes so much of his time he totally forgets to eat or does so way too late. My phone is full of empty plates pictures he sends me after lunch if I’m not here to call him to eat. I make sure he is well-fed like that.

Also, I’m the chef, so to my already busy agenda I always have to add the extra time for cooking when I’m not gonna be around.

Not everybody understands why I do so, but those are the same ones that think Kenma is not actually working. The truth is, his job requires more time than mine sometimes. I agree in that gaming is not as hard as… well, physics, science, math and all of that, but I totally can’t do what he does, and his old grades proved he could have done what I do.

He would cook for me if he was jobless and I were busy. Since it’s the other way around, it takes nothing from me to cook for two instead of one. And, damn, I love to think of dishes to prepare for him. He may eat way less than me, but he loves everything I do.

And I love him, too. I do so much.

“I will be back soon today”, I inform him. “We still have no schedule ready at the laboratory, so I will be there only for the inauguration classes”. He breathes out heavily. That means he is glad. “Do you fancy anything for dinner?”.

“You”. I burst a laugh because of that. “You being here, I meant”.

“Yeah, I got it”. His body turns into a ball of yarn and his face gets to my profile. He kisses my cheek, and I feel my whole body shivering.

“You as a dessert would be nice, too”. I smile. “In exchange for the churros”.

I push him away from me.

“I really hope you get shot to death on every game you play today”.

Then I stand up, right in time for my phone to vibrate on my joggers pockets. I bring it out and I see I have a notification from Akaashi. It’s on our private chat, not the group of four both couples share.

Aka 

Free for lunch? [11.13am]

I smile and check the time. We are early eaters, due to our timings in college, but I for sure know it’s still too early for lunch.

Tetsuuu.

Isn’t it too soon? [11.13am]

Not even midday, man [11.13am]

My question expects no answer from my friend. I already know what he is about to say, and that doesn’t need any message. Still, I keep my phone unlocked to read it when it arrives.

Aka 

Appetizer [11.14am]

I hold a laugh and then save my phone into my pocket again.

“What happens?”, Kenma asks, still turned into a ball of fur in bed. 

I’m about to answer when I remember it’s better if he doesn’t know.

“Nothing. It was Bokuto telling me he will be late as usual”. He sighs in acceptance and then I get close to him so I can kiss his lips. Surprisingly, he kisses me back. He is not already asleep on his midday nap before streaming. That paints a smile on my face. “See you later”, I say. “Make us richer, kitty”.

“I will try”.

Then I rub his hair and leave the room. I pick an apple from the kitchen on my way out, and I’m not even halfway to college when it’s more than over. Since I’m still a student, there is a room for me on Nekoma’s frat. I use it more than the one on my own house, but it feels way less homelike, especially since Kenma comes only from time to time to stay the night. 

Still, I know I need to pass by there today to make sure my most basic things are still there after the long summer. But, it won’t be now. Now, actually, I’m on my way to Fukurodani’s frat, where Akaashi and Bokuto live on the room no one wants simply because is on the lower floors and it’s way too dark. They like it like that. I do too, since I spend more time in there than in my own one at Nekoma’s building. It’s more private. Perfect so the other members of the frat don’t complain if it gets too noisy.

To avoid the risk, and just in case, we all tend to be quite silent when we are in there. That’s why, maybe, when I use my special card key to open the door, finding them like I find them doesn’t surprise me at all. No one could have guessed from the peace on the corridor down here. Me, on the other hand, knew it since I left Kenma at home.

I can only see Bokuto’s legs hanging from the bed end, and also his hands. Those are grabbing Akaashi’s waist as he rides his man with no notion of space or time. Maybe that’s why it takes him a few seconds to realize I’m in here, closing the door behind me without missing a thing of what they are doing.

Akaashi is way too hard for me to assume they just started over. And since Bokuto was the only noise I could pick up from the surroundings when I came in, I think the phase of not needing to moan is already done.

To be fair, my classmate reaches that point way too soon with his man.

“Well”, I say while the dark blue eyes of Akaashi go through me. He may have slow down on his moves on top of Bokuto’s lap, but he hasn’t stop riding him at all. “I guess you were both starving today”.

“Well”, Akaashi mocks me, “I never say we would wait for you”.

“That’s true”. I take off my red Nekoma jacket and hang it on one of their chairs near the desks. Then, slowly, I move towards the bed end and stay right in front of a horny Akaashi. His eyes have closed down again to feel his man a bit more. But, I’m here, and since I know Bokuto is way too busy holding it —both his loudness and his load—, I can’t count with him on bringing his boy’s attention.

Therefore, I move my hand up and grab his dark hair so he opens his eyes again, free from glasses, and his dark iris find me staring from above. His needy expression turns me on instantly. My joggers are not thick enough for my cock to not react to his gaze.

“Mind if I join?”, I say with a deeper voice. “I brought the appetizer”.

My joke works just fine, and Akaashi brings a hand from Bokuto’s knees to my trousers, and then he lowers them down. He does the exact same with my underwear, and my already obvious hard on throbs when his breath touches it. The next contact it feels comes from his right hand. He moves it up and down, slowly getting me ready as my stomach contracts in pleasant sensations. Slowly, my eyes shut down and I bite my lower lip to enjoy it. I lean my head back, but my hand doesn’t go away from his hair. I grab it even tighter, if so, and when temptation is way too strong, I bring Akaashi’s face close to me so he takes me in.

Used as he is, my cock fills his mouth up, first halfway and then, after a few sucks, completely. My expert deep-throating friend is more than used to my length; Bokuto may not be as long as I am, but he is wider, and he loves blowjobs even more than I do.

Which is a lot.

My teeth hurt the skin of my lip as I hold myself up. Damn, he really was hungry.

“Coming back to college feels better like this”, I point out.

“Do we… really need to go to the department?”, Bokuto groans in pleasure.

I share half a laugh, because it’s fascinating to me that my friend uses times like these to ask such questions. As if the stunning man he loves wouldn’t be riding his dick as he eats mine. I need to bring my head down and look for his yellow eyes over Akaashi’s head crown. Ignoring how he eats me whole is hard, but, fuck, my friend looks sweaty and desperate down there, with his bicolor hair glued to his forehead. That picture is also stunning.

I get hornier just by looking at him.

“Don’t start lazing over”, I warn him. Then, I bring Akaashi’s head closer and keep him firm on there. My cock disappears on his mouth, making him gag. With that, he stops moving on top of his boy’s cock, and that makes Bokuto groan in agony. I have my tricks, and I use them right. “You are coming with me today”.

“Fuck”, he says. I know it’s a mix, since he complains both for our appointment and also for how I’m making him feel.

I like when he looks messy like that; he loves to see me in control of his boy’s moves.

“Till then”, I continue, “let’s not think about it too much, shall we?”.

I free Akaashi’s mouth and he takes the deepest breath. Before he decides to keep on moving on Bokuto, I help him stand a bit up so he can turn face to face with him. Still on his knees, he grabs my friend’s cock and looks for his hole to fit it in again. Just so he doesn’t get too far, I press my right knee on the mattress, between theirs, and point my tip to his ass to do the same. 

Bokuto brings him down to kiss as Akaashi still tries to get his dick inside. To help a bit, I grab it with my left hand and start pressing with both his and mine against his hole. Loosen already, one tip comes in easily. The second one needs a bit more time. I spit on my right hand and wet my cock. I use my precum to help a bit more, and then I push. Akaashi breaks the kiss with Bokuto the exact moment in which he gets double penetrated. When his man folds his knees to get deeper, he lays completely on his chest.

“Fuck”, he moans. He sounds whipper than my friend. “Slow”.

That’s to me, so I move as he says while Bokuto makes space for both of us with his thrusting. The mere touching of his dick on mine, and the tightness of my friend’s ass are enough of a reason for me to lose my mind. I grab Akaashi’s butt cheeks so I don’t let myself go too far. Little by little, and helped by his intense moaning even in lower voice, I fill him halfway till I can start pushing myself.

With both inside, his pleasure intensifies and so does ours. I’m the only one from the three here that manages to go slower. I’m aware that’s only because I started later on, but it also implies than they may lose the pace way too fast, before I get to cum.

Anyway, I don’t expect this encounter to last too long. Early morning ones are always quick and intense, and I’m okay with that. The sooner we all cum, the faster we will get Bokuto to rest so he finds no excuses to skip meetings and classes afterward.

Yeah, I think it’s even better if we finish soon.

I bring my other knee up and I fill Akaashi up completely. It hurts him enough to cry a groan. Also, it drives him crazy enough to moan in pleasure. 

When Bokuto is about to cum, he comes out his ass and moves from under his body. I wonder if he will ask me to exchange positions, or if he will just look for his mouth to shot. He chooses the second option, and brings Akaashi to his crotch as quick as possible. Even if my friend has his mouth already open, the first drops of sperm go directly to his face instead of his throat. Still, Bokuto manages to explode inside of him. And now is when we are both glad they got the lower room in Fukurodani, because none of us is too silent when getting an orgasm, but he from all is the loudest.

Which, to my behalf, helps me get closer than ever to the peak of my pleasure today.

I grab Akaashi by the hips and thrust against his ass. I still need more than a few pushes before I get close to cum; he has even left his man’s cock and crashed against the mattress while he strokes himself to finish too. I think he does before me, or maybe I just lose track of time while I bring my cock out to empty myself on top of his butt checks and back. He falls completely between Bokuto and I. All messy and sticky now, he still looks beautiful.

When I look at my friend, totally mesmerized by the image of his boy down in bed, I comprehend why he looks so in love as he does. The hard on will take a bit longer to go away, at least on him. Mine will disappear as soon as I start getting colder. I slap Akaashi’s ass before letting myself fall to his side, and then we all let time pass by.

I don’t know how long it goes, but after a while in silence, I manage to raise my joggers up so I can pick up my phone and check the clock. It’s lunchtime, and Kenma has sent me the picture of his empty plate. I grin and send him a message that says I’m so proud. Then I lock it and bring it down. I didn’t tell him I loved him, but my smile right now says it all.

***

“I just don’t wanna go”, Bokuto cries against the backrest of the chair. Both his knees are against his chest, and he hugs himself in sadness. “I don’t want summer to be over”.

“You are too cute when you act like a five years old, Taro”, Akaashi says, fork in hand. Bokuto’s yellow eyes shine bright thanks to the compliment, “but you are going anyway”. 

My friend then cries out and I laugh. We are at the Fukurodani dinning room, so people around us notice we are making fun of him. Still, we don’t really care.

“Fine, but I pick dinner tonight”, he says.

Akaashi nods but ignores him to check on his phone. 

Bokuto and I talk about the options he may have for dinner till my dark haired friend decides to bring up another topic.

“Did you tell Kenma you were coming?”. 

After a short sip of water, I shake my head.

“Of course not”. I can see his relief. “I don’t want him to suspect and get mad”.

They both agree, so I don’t need to explain myself any longer. They know why it’s better like that, and this is all that matters now.

“How was first day?”, I ask Akaashi. “I totally forgot you started today too”.

“Just fine”. He is still staring at his phone. “First days are always boring. I just went to check on the teachers, make sure they didn’t mess up my schedule”. He is about to graduate this year, so he is quite anxious about any mere issue he can face. “But all was fine. I got to see Tsukki after three months, which is good”.

Ah, yeah. That his classmate. The only friend he keeps from college since his first year studying Arts History. It’s been six years of friendship already, and I think I have shared a word with him only twice. I don’t think he likes me much, no idea why, but Akaashi and also Bokuto are quite fond of him. He is cute, at least on the outside. Other than that, I sadly can’t give an opinion on the guy.

“Great”, I say. “I’m glad”. I offer him a hand and he slaps it. “Why are you so serious, then? Shouldn’t you be happier?”.

“I would, but he still insists in not meeting with us outside of class”.

I don’t wanna laugh, but I think it’s a lost case. That boy is close to him while in class, as he says, but other than that, it looks like he doesn’t want to be around them. And it’s sad, because Akaashi is literally obsessed with him. And we know how paranoid can he get when someone he is interested in doesn’t pay attention back to him in any way.

“This year is your last chance, then”, I say. He slaps his phone down on the table and leans his head back over the rest. He sighs. “Why don’t you tell him to come over some day to play volley? You said he had friends that he trains with, maybe he likes that”.

“He doesn’t. He barely plays if it’s not a claim from them”. Damn it. “But I really wanna convince him this time. I don’t know how, but next time I offer him to go out, I won’t accept a no like I’ve done till now”.

“I can help, if you want”. My words come out before I can even think it clearly. His head rises back up and he and Bokuto stare at me patiently. “Don’t take me too serious, I was just thinking of flirting with him. You know, I’m charming”, I wink my eye. “That may bring him closer to you and…”.

“Fuck you, Tesso”. He is the only one calling me like that, and I love it. His anger sounds cuter when it’s not serious. Thankfully, because mad Akaashi is quite a one to fear.

“No, but, it doesn’t sound that bad”, Bokuto says out of nowhere. We both wait for his explanation. “It’s true you have a gift for that. You flirt all the time, even unintentional”. It’s sadly true, even if they both have used my talents and can’t complain about it. “Maybe you can try. What can we lose from it?”.

“I can lose a friend”, Akaashi reminds us. “Just because Tesso is good at flirting doesn’t mean they flirt him back. Lots of times he has failed massively”. 

“I was trying to help, huh”. I cross my arms and act defensive. “I take it back”.

“No, come on”. I listen because it’s Bokuto. Akaashi lost his rights to beg me. “I wanna see if you succeed”. He is way too excited out of a sudden. “I wanna see how Tsukki rejects you”. Well, damn it.

“We want him to join, not to runaway”, his man reminds him.

“True, but, isn’t the possibility just as appealing?”. In silence, both analyze while my eyes start closing in disgust. And these two are my best friends, how nice. “If he wins the bet, Tsukki comes with us. If he doesn't… We see him being rejected. And, to be honest, Tsukki looks like a tough one”.

“He is”, Akaashi says, proofs in hand in the form of six years of records. When he looks at me, I hate that his dark blue eyes are scheming something. Damn it, why did I offer myself?. “Do it”, he tells me, “but if he gets mad at me, I will crash you”. 

“Fine, but are you aware that this is no more than game, right?”.

“It’s not a game”. Sergeant Keiji Akaashi decides. I get firm and so does Bokuto. If we don’t laugh, it’s to not risk a scream or two. “Take it seriously”. 

“Okay, okay…”

I will try my best, but I can’t promise anything. All I want now is this to work out. Otherwise, I’m afraid one of them won’t forgive me, and the other will be laughing at me till the end of times.

Chapter Text

TSUKISHIMA

Since I don’t have a lot to do yet, my friends know how to take advantage of my freedom. They are always asking for favors, especially Shoyo since Tobio refuses to accept he needs help sometimes. His boyfriend, though, always need a hand for the blandest things imaginable. Most of them require me driving somewhere else. It was no joke he doesn’t like how my other friend drives; he is quite a menace out there. So, if I don’t want them pressing me till I explode and do whatever they want in total anger, I tend to accept as soon as possible so I can move it quickly.

I think the only favor I do to them that I don’t really hate is helping them train with volley. Tadashi joins us too, normally it’s one hour or less after their normal training with HQ University team. They never get enough, and me and Tadashi try our best to keep on with their level since we stopped playing the sport during high school. 

It always starts the same: me wanting to prove I’m not that bad, because my inner self hates to fail at anything, it doesn’t matter if I’ve never tried it before. The ending, though, it’s me not giving a single fuck about doing it right or wrong. I just want to annoy the shit out of them all.

“Toss me!!!”, Shoyo screams for the tenth time in five seconds.

Since Tadashi and I are blocking, it’s not that Tobio can toss anyone else. Still, his setter boyfriend has to make clear he wants to get the ball. And Tobio, of course, does as he says and prepare the perfect play for Shoyo to attack. We both jump to the net, as always, to try to block his spike. Most times we fail. But sometimes, like right now, we manage to prevent the point. Some may say it’s because we are good at it, which is true, but they ignore that fact and focus on their own mistakes… even if there are none.

“Why didn’t you jump higher?”, Tobio complains.

Shoyo, as if he would have been called a thief or something worse, turns around to face his boyfriend with clear denial.

“What?!”, he screams, again. “I jumped just as always!!!”.

“Exactly, and my toss was higher than usual”.

I look at Tadashi because he, at least, enjoys the fights between them both. They get me on my nerves, because it can take them more than five minutes to get over with it, and I get cold without moving.

“And couldn’t you just warn me about it?!”, Shoyo insists.

“I thought you knew!”. They are both facing each other. “You asked me to toss you also louder than usual!”.

“For fuck’s sake”, I turn around to ignore them.

I hear Tadashi laughing, but he is also crossing by under the net to get to them because being a couple doesn’t stop them from fighting like kids sometimes. I prefer to walk around and move my legs up and down till they are done.

Once that happen, I find two people that act as if nothing would have happened.

“Can we continue, please?”, I beg. “I’m tired already”.

“Yes. Last serve, please”. Tobio doesn’t understand the meaning of the word last, since he uses at least a million times during practice, but right now I’m sure it won’t be another one. I’m exhausted because it’s the first training I do with them after three months.

“Okay!”, Shoyo raises his hand from the back of the outdoors court we are playing at next to the arenas and sport centers. “Nice serve, please!!”. It’s Tadashi doing so, therefore he is ready on my back to send them the ball.

“Don’t mess up!”, Tobio says.

My eyes, then, look for him in alert. Mess up? What the heck? Is he complaining at Tadashi’s serves? If he wanted, neither of them could receive his ball. He is literally playing for them, so they can start an attack pretty fast. Playing bad on purpose is harder than doing great, don’t they see it?

“Careful, Tobio”, I warn him.

They all hear me, so they pause their moves.

“What?”, my dark haired friend says. 

“Be nice”. He frowns and straights up. “You are the one who doesn’t have to mess up, not us”. I think Tadashi calls my name from the back. Which is unusual, since I’m always Tsukki when were are not alone. Still, he knows I’m being defensive. 

And that’s also unusual.

Unless we are training with the couple, it’s always him who protects me when I don’t need to. Right now, for some reason called I hate my friends getting vain when playing volley , it’s me the one acting stupidly. Because, yeah, I guess I didn’t need to say that. Tobio wasn’t being mean, he normally says those things to show support. Still. I’m tired, and I want to go to the frat already and get a shower.

“Can we move on?!”, Shoyo yells from the back.

“Sure”, Tobio accepts. “But take it easy, Tsukishima. Instead of defending him, try to defend your side of the court, can you?”.

Okay, that’s not…

“Nice serve!!!”, Shoyo tells Tadashi, and Tadashi decides to serve as good as usual for them so my ginger friend can receive, send it to Tobio and wait for his toss. “Toss me!!!”, he insists, but I fucking know them too well still.

Of course, Tobio doesn’t toss his boyfriend. He decides to go for a fint, and when he thinks he got me and Tadashi unguard, I prepare my block not only to avoid it, but also to stamp the ball against his face.

My friend falls back, covering his nose and groaning in pain. Shoyo runs towards him, and Tadashi grabs my arm before letting me go to go check on him. Way too much drama for my taste, because of course I didn’t go rough on Tobio: he is perfectly fine, just annoyed.

“You idiot”, he tells me with angry eyes.

My left brow rises up and so does the corner of my mouth.

“Nice receive”.

Shoyo has to jump to his shoulders so he doesn’t come after me. I walk away as nothing, followed by Tadashi whom I’m not sure if it’s laughing or concern. Till we don’t reach the bench with our belongings, I can’t confirm it’s a mix of both.

Tobio is still cursing me from behind the net, piggybacking his boy.

“Try to be more gentle next time”, he tells me. “They don’t mean bad”.

“They annoy me”. That’s all that matters. I pick up my towel and Tadashi’s and hand it to him. “I could crash the ball against his face many more times than I do, he should thank me”. 

“Or…”, I try to walk away with my backpack, but he grabs it and pulls it down. Then, he grabs my arm and brings me into the court again. “You could just ignore it”. Tadashi sits on the hard ground and forces me to do so. Yeah, I was trying to avoid stretching. “I don’t take it seriously when he says those things, you know?”.

“I didn’t do it because of you”, I lie, tremendously.

Then I take off my glasses so I can cover my face with a towel and avoid contact. I’m quite aware he is showing one of those tender smiles that make me weaker. Not the right time. No. Avoid. Block.

I fail because he brings the towel down, gently. His brows do that kind of move that could be described as he is pitying me . 

“Thank you”, he says. “It’s cute when you defend me, you know I like it”.

Well, we met because I step up when some bullies were about to beat him up, so I guess it stayed as a kink of some kind for him. I try to not take it too seriously.

“Tobio likes it more”.

“I can hear you!!!”, my friend yells from the back. 

I take a look and confirm Shoyo is taking him away from here, almost dragging him. We finally get rid of them, hopefully they will be relaxed for dinner time. To make sure I will be too, I start stretching my legs, reaching to my tiptoes. Tadashi does the exact same.

“Anyway…”, I take a deep breath. “Sorry, I take it too personal when they make those comments. You know I don’t like it when people point out something I can’t do”.

“But it was me this time”. That’s true.

I bring my head up just as he does. We stare at each other way longer than usual. I think his gaze catches me unprepared to face a conversation right now. I’m way too tired.

“That’s worse”, I say. “Especially since you can do it nicely”.

“Ah, I wish it was true. If that were the case, I may have kept playing like them!”.

He laughs and I feel my whole body tensing. Shit, it’s been four days since they came back, and I swear I haven't got used to that sound even if I’ve been missing it for three months straight. Even when he sighs, letting himself fall against the ground mimicking a starfish, I feel like it’s all starting over for both of us.

Which makes no sense, since we've known each other since we were kids. All because of three damn months. How can Akaashi say that distance may not be a problem if Tadashi and I try to get into a relationship?

“Oh, look”, he says while I’m trying to hide between my legs and the ground. “It’s your friend”. I groan in pain before looking up. I don’t know why I expect Tobio coming back in anger to throw me some shoe to the head, but it’s not him. Also with blue eyes, Akaashi is staring at me from the side road.

It seems as if he was walking by and stopped to check on me. Did I really summon him or something? This is weird. Also, he is not alone: Bokuto is next to him, waving his hand in the air to say hi, as if I didn’t see him yet. Right behind them, though, it’s their third companion. To be honest, I feel like this meeting is less interesting now.

I think I’ve never in my life talked with Kuroo, other than when I say hello and goodbye to all of them. Still, I know nothing about him other than he is not Akaashi's boyfriend, as I thought when we first me. To this day I could still swear I saw them kissing once, but unless my friend cheats on his man, I guess I was just blind. 

Time prove I was wrong by just thinking of it, because Akaashi has good taste in men, Bokuto is the clear example of it, and that Kuroo dude… Okay, I don’t judge people at first sight, but after six years seeing him around, I can guarantee he is the opposite to what I consider a good match: loud, cocky and the biggest fan of his own sense of humor. It’s true that Bokuto is not quiet nor any calmer, but at least he’s gentle and tender with Akaashi.

I have a theory, and it’s that Kuroo thinks way too much of himself. It may be just his appearance, since he is what people would consider a hot guy, but, compared to his two friends, I swear I can’t see why they get along.

Whatever, I normally try to avoid the couple when they are alone, I guess now they are not I won’t need many reasons to fly away from here. Especially since Tadashi is with me, and the last thing I need is to compare our situationship to theirs again.

“Hey, Yams”, Akaashi says to my… well, partner in crime or whatever he is. I’m not labeling us just because the most perfect couple on earth is in front of me. “How is it going?”.

Tadashi stands up as soon as my classmate gets to us, and they shake hands politely. It's quite embarrassing, since we are both on sport clothes all sweaty and they all are dressed on fine pants and shirts. I take my time, so I can avoid contact with all of them. Bokuto decides I don’t deserve that kind of freedom and palms my back right when I’m up.

I almost fall back down to the ground.

“Fine! Trying to get used to the routine again”. 

I can’t interrupt because Bokuto takes me in under his wing and I’m trapped. Tadashi and Akaashi keep talking as if I wasn’t trying to disappear. And Kuroo… Well, that boy is just there, between the two. At first I think he is listening to their conversation, but his hazel eyes find me as soon as I’m checking. 

I’m starting to miss Tobio and Shoyo again.

“How was practice?”, Akaashi asks me this time.

“Splendid”. I sound as ironic as intended. “I love to face two professional players that can’t deal with human beings from time to time”. My idea wasn’t to make them laugh, but even Tadashi smiles at my comment. 

I really need to be goon as soon as possible.

“Anyway, I’m gonna go”, Tadashi goes ahead and interrupts my attempt. It doesn’t matter if I try to kill him with my eyes, he doesn’t get I don’t want to be left alone with them… or he doesn’t care. “I need to make sure Shoyo and Tobio didn’t stop on the way back to keep playing around”.

“It was nice to see you”, Akaashi says.

“Say hi to Shoyo”, Kuroo adds. And that shocks me. 

Is he a fanboy or something? I mean, I know my friends are quite known in college, but I didn’t expect this dude would know them. I would ask him, but keeping a conversation with him is not on my agenda today.

“I will!”, Tadashi accepts the message, shares a glance with me and then leaves.

And just like that, I’m with the three of them on my own. We all look like a group of bullies and its prey.

“So”, Akaashi starts talking. Arms crossed against the chest, and gaze firm on me. He is all dressed in navy blue, beautiful as always. “We don’t see each other tomorrow”. It’s true, our shared classes are not on Friday. “Any plans for the weekend?”. I knew this was coming.

“Yes”, I lie. “Tadashi and the guys want to go somewhere”.

“Where?”, he asks.

“No idea. I let them guide me”. 

For some reason, I forgot I’m under Bokuto’s wing, so when he shakes me I feel tense.

“But it can’t last the whole weekend, right?”, he says. The white shirt he wears makes him look even bigger than usual. Even his narrow waist seems bigger than mine. “Whichever plan they offer you, there must be a break at some point”.

“I suppose, but I have no idea”.

The couple stare at each other. Damn. I know they are trying to find out a date in which I have nothing scheduled so I can’t say no to their offer to go out. But I’m too tired to think clearly right now, I may not come up with a proper excuse on time. 

For fuck’s sake, I wish Tobio would have punched me. At least I would be on my way to the infirmary instead of being here, right next to Bokuto and his deep sandalwood scent.

Sometimes I think it’s some kind of aphrodisiac. Or a drug. Or perhaps both.

“Your birthday is next weekend”. Since they’ve seen I won’t say much of this upcoming weekend, Akaashi move to the next one. Yes, my twenty-fourth birthday. Saturday. I nod, because that’s something I can’t lie about. “Will you invite us? You haven’t for the last five years”. That’s… true.

“That’s Tadashi’s doing. I don’t celebrate, he prepares some intimate plan for our group and I just go”. The way he nods to the info I give him is… suspicious. 

Is he scheming something again?

“Intimate”, he quotes me. “That means… no big deal, doesn’t it?”.

“Exactly”. 

“Fine!”, Bokuto celebrates. “Then it won’t last both days”. Oh, okay. I see my mistake. “You can celebrate with them one day, and meet with us on the other one. Sounds fine, right?”.

“I…”. The reason why I stopped playing volley is that doing sports tire me mentally to the point of not being able to even try. Like right now, I’m exhausted. And that means they got me, because I can’t find an excuse on time. “I will see what I can do”. 

Bokuto is happier with the answer than what Akaashi shows to me. He is still cautious, as if he knew I will try to shirk whichever plan they come up with. Well, he is right. So far, I’ve decided I will use my birthday celebration on Friday to mysteriously get sick on Saturday. Alcohol will be the perfect excuse. 

“Nice, then”, even if he doesn’t trust me, Akaashi accepts before turning around. Before I lose sight of his face, I see his eyes flying to Kuroo for a second. Wait, I have enough with the couple, I hope they are not trying to bring this one too. “See you on Monday, Tsukki”.

“Yeah”. Bokuto shakes me again and palms my lower back. “See ya”.

I don’t wait till they go away and turn my back to them. I need to waste as much time as possible in here, just in case they decide to follow me. For the first time in forever, I will be thankful that none of my friends, not even Tadashi, have decided to pick up all the balls and stuff we’ve used for practice.

It’s more than enough for me to use some time for my own, and I start with standing in front of the net just as Tadashi does when he is about to serve. To be fair, that was never my strength. I envy him; he learned how to do so out of necessity, because he had no other way to play with us in high school other than that. I was a good blocker, I still am, but I never saw myself as decisive as he was.

Seeing him getting up every time, finding a way to prove himself right and making himself an essential part of the team back then was one of the reasons that told me I wouldn’t get over him easily. I admired him. I liked how brave he was all the time, and I still do. For Shoyo, Tobio and the rest it was nothing more than doing a good serve that could help us, but I know it was way more than that for him. 

It was even for me. Every time he stood up right where I am no, even if I never looked back at him, I knew he was giving his all. Just like he does with our unlabeled relationship, he doesn’t give up and fights for it. Meanwhile, I use what I have to keep going without trying too hard in getting something better.

Damn. I really suck. 

I throw the ball in the air and decide to hit as hard as possible. This may not be my strength, but I swear I want it to be my signature for a second. The ball flies over the net, and even if there is no one to receive or touch it, I know that it wouldn’t have been much of a trouble for anyone.

Sometimes trying only helps you prove there is no reason in trying again. Being volley or Tadashi, I suppose I’ve never done enough to…

“Nice ass!”. I freeze right when I’m about to walk towards the ball. The shock makes me tremble, and I turn around way too fast. Even before I come to recognize that voice.

Right at the side road, the one Akaashi took before, Kuroo is looking at me with an arrogant smile on his face. Wait, hadn't he left? Just like my friend before but way more cocky, he stares at me with crossed arms. He is also wearing a dark shirt, but the black open hoodie on top of it and those light jeans take away the possible elegance of his outfit. His stupid pointy hairstyle, deep black with half a fringe covering his right eye, stops me from checking if he is really talking to me or I’m just imaging things. 

Since there is no one around, I guess so.

“What did you just say?”, I ask. 

“I said nice serve ”.

Is he kidding me?

“You so not did say that”, I point out.

His hair doesn’t cover up his brows frowning or his mouth turning into a stupid pout.

“What did I say?”, he asks back.

“Nice ass”, I repeat.

Then his expression softens and he smiles, right before bringing both hands to his hips and checking himself on the back.

“Wow, thank you”, he says. “Do you think so?”.

“Are you messing with me?”. I really needed to ask, because I’m quite lost right now.

“It depends”. He starts walking towards me. “Does it work?”.

He really be sounding like a total jerk. What the fuck is happening?

“Oh, yeah”. I make sure neither Bokuto nor Akaashi are around pranking me, because I swear this makes no sense. “You are clearly making me uncomfortable”.

“Wait, how is that?”. For a second, I really believe his concern. “I said nothing”. My right brow rises up as my head moves down. I’m judging him, openly. “Well, I confess I praised your ass. Your serve!”. He is totally making fun of me. “Other than that…”.

“I’m too tired for this”.

I shake my hand in front of him and then turn around. I pick up the ball, bring it into a trolley, and make sure there is nothing left around. I’m aware he is still here, now at least I know that, but I try to ignore him as much as possible.

He steps in front of the trolley. I won’t get too far with that motto. 

“Now what?”, I ask.

“Where’ you going so fast? We just started talking”.

“You haven’t talked to me in six years”, I remind him. “And I’ve lived happily, I guess you have too. Why are you ruining that now?”.

“Well, I thought it was about time”. 

Both my brows rise up now.

“Six years”.

“I was shy”.

I sigh heavily and push the trolley so he moves aside. If I wasn’t that exhausted, I for sure would be trying to understand what is he trying to do. Since I’m not in the mood, I just assume Akaashi sent him to annoy me and get some information about my birthday to use on their behalf. But, why Kuroo? Why not Bokuto? I have no kind of relationship with him, we never talk when he is around, and I’m an open book when it comes to my thoughts in people: I bet my friend knows Kuroo and I are not meant to be friends.

Am I really being that mean to him not inviting him to my birthday that he decided to send this boy after me to annoy me?

“We also play volley”, he tells me. “I’m a blocker”.

“Nice”. I sound all but interested. “Good for you”.

“Why haven’t you played with us before?”. Even if he walks right next to me, I ignore him. “I normally have to block Bokuto on my own, I could take a hand if you…”.

“We haven’t talked before”, I insist. “Did you really expect me to play volley with you?”.

“It could have been a start, don’t you think?”. 

It’s better if I don’t bring what I’m thinking up, because I would be mean.

“Maybe one day you can come and block with me”. My eyes open wider as I push the trolley ahead. “I think we could be a good pair if…”

“Okay, look”. I stop walking. He still goes a bit to the front, now I have the trolley between us. “If Aka is trying to make me pay for it, I get it: I will. I will invite them to my birthday party or whatever we end up doing. But, please, I’m exhausted today. Would you gladly move off the road and let me go home?”.

He usually has those narrow hazel eyes with which he seems to be reading everybody’s minds. Now, not only he has opened them wider, but also looks completely lost. Both his hands come up in defeat. I suppose I managed to end this conversation, finally.

“Wow, I’m here on my own will”.

“Then you have a strange will”.

“Why is that?”. He leans over the trolley and grabs both sides of it. Just like that, he gets somehow closer to me. When we were walking side by side, I didn’t feel that intimidated as I do now. Maybe because I didn’t have to look at him right into the eye, and now there is nowhere to stare at other than his stupid face. “Don’t you like it when you get hit on?”. 

If this is a joke, it’s the worst one I’ve ever seen.

“I what ?”. I shake my head before he manages to reply. “Look, really, I’m too tired for this nonsense. Move away, I really want to go”.

“Okay, fine”, he says, but stays right where he is, grabbing my trolley. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t try again once you are more receptive”.

“Good luck waiting for that to happen”. I push the trolley and crash it into his belly and crotch. He groans, but fakes nothing happened. I give no fucks and start walking away. “You are way worse than what I thought”.

I think he asks me about those last words, but I don’t stop to answer. Really, whichever intentions Akaashi had on sending him to me, they didn’t work. From all the options, using someone like Kuroo to get close to me is not a clever idea. I won’t tell a thing to my friend just to see what he comes up with next Monday but, so far, this is so not what I expect from him. I really hope it was all a bad joke and he doesn’t try to “hit on me” ever again.

Hit on me… is that how he really flirts with people? Honest or not, I really wonder if anyone out there may consider that a proper way to conquer someone.

“Hey”. I’m so lost in thoughts I don’t even notice I’m already at Karasuno. I even came up to my room. Our room, better said, since Tadashi is obviously in there. He just took a shower, for how wet his hair is. At least he is dressed, even if seeing him naked would have totally blurred my mind and erase what I come to witness with Kuroo. “Are you okay?”.

His face turns pale as he gets close to me. Wait, am I about to faint or something?

“Yeah, yeah”. Tadashi checks on me from every angle. “Just tired”.

“I thought you were gonna pass out”.

To be fair, I’ve been close to not long ago.

“Yeah, I got dizzy on my way here”, I lie. I’m so not telling him what just happened. Knowing Tadashi, he will run up to Shoyo and Tobio and the three of them would make fun of me for days. “It’s okay, just got cold, and I’m all sweaty”.

Did Kuroo really think my actual presence was the best one to hit on? He could at least try harder. Akaashi really needs to think it twice next time he sends his friend to annoy me.

“I will go shower now”. Tadashi nods as quick as I start my way to the bath. Right when I’m about to grab the knob and push, I remind myself where I am and what just happened. That turns me around, towards him. “Hey”, even if his eyes seem lost, he is totally here with me, “thanks for caring”.

He smiles with both cheeks red in shyness. I could totally go and kiss him as a gesture of gratitude but, if Kuroo fake flirting with me was nonsense today because of how disgusting I look right now, Tadashi doesn’t deserve my nasty self either. I decide to get into the shower as soon as possible. I hopefully forget what happened with Akaashi’s friend out there, but I will make sure I will still remember I owe Tadashi a kiss afterward.

Chapter Text

YAMAGUCHI

I barely slept during summer. Therefore, being in bed for at least eight hours every day is making it hard for me to get used to routine again. I don’t complain, not much at least. Simply because the reason I couldn’t sleep a wink while being on volley camp is the same one for what I can do so now. It’s… surprising, that Kei and I managed to leave what happened behind, but, couldn’t we have done it before I left?

I guess I can’t complain about that either. As much as I regret all I saw back in June, I’m more than okay with how things turned out at the end.

It’s all I can ask for, sadly, so, I will enjoy what I have before I lose it.

“Does anyone want churros?!”. I hear my best friend Hitoka’s voice coming to the dining room at Karasuno. I’m having breakfast on my own, Kei is already in class and Shoyo and Tobio are training before heading to theirs. Mine start at ten in the morning. Since it’s half past eight, I still have time. 

She, on the other hand, I’m quite sure shouldn’t be here at all.

“Shouldn’t you be in class?”, I ask. 

On her way to my table, she waves her hand, ignoring my concern.

“First days are always useless, Yams”. Truth is, she is starting today, so I guess she is in no hurry. “Also, I wanted to check on you. I think it’s the firs time since I’m back that I catch you all by yourself”.

“That can’t be true”. I grab her churros while she seats and try to think. Well, I’m afraid she is right. Every time we met last week, Tobio or Shoyo were around. “Okay, it is”.

“It’s fine, I can wait”. I sigh and ignore her. “How are you doing? Other than better than before, because that’s quite obvious”. She moves her hand closer to my face and pinches my cheek. “Look at you, all healthy and cute!”.

“Hitoka, stop”. I don’t want to slap her arm away, but I’m close to. I’m glad she decides to recoil on her own. “I’m fine, yes. Better, as you said”.

“Is he behaving?”.

I haven’t even chosen a churro yet and she is already making me feel uncomfortable. She is never like that, to be honest. She wouldn’t be my friend if that were the case, but sometimes she can be quite carefree. Especially the topic is, obviously, Kei.

“Depends on what you consider behaving”, I point out. “In my opinion, he obviously is. In yours, I’m one hundred percent sure he is not”. 

Tobio and Shoyo are so used to my relationship with him, they don’t say a word about it unless I ask them. So far, I know Shoyo thinks Kei is going through some kind of commitment crisis with himself that affects both his personal and professional life. Tobio, on the other hand, thinks he is stupid and nothing more. 

Hitoka is closer to Tobio on that.

Sometimes I don’t know which side to take part. 

“He hasn’t apologized, right?”, she said, with her mouth full of churro and chocolate. 

I take a bite of mine, so I gain time before answering.

“He doesn’t have to”. She slaps on the table but I ignore her. “We talked. Somehow”. 

Because the truth is that we didn’t at all. I apologized, he told me to not do so, and we moved on. But since we both know our situation, thinking too much about it makes literal no sense. Why hurting myself? I won’t gain a thing.

“I can’t believe you are really gonna wait till he breaks up with you to move on”. I look for her over my chocolate. “It’s been more than ten years, I can’t do this anymore”.

“ You can’t do it? What are you doing at all?”. I don’t let her respond to me. I know her answer. Something like “ I’m holding myself back from killing him ” or something. “Plus, friendly reminder for you, Hitoka: we are not together, he won’t break up with me”.

“Of course! And that makes everything better, right?”. She is making fun of me. “If he doesn’t apply the word boyfriend to your relationship, he can use you as one but have zero commitment”.

“Well, you sum it up quite perfectly”. Her face looks like a hamster’s. She may be mad, but doesn’t stop eating her churros. “I accepted it, remember? I’m aware of it”.

I think that’s what makes it so hard for her or Tobio to understand. Shoyo is more open-minded on that; he still thinks this relationship is not healthy for any of us, but at least he is aware of our decisions. I’m not naive, I know Kei won’t change his mind, but… Yes, I also know I’m hurting myself by holding myself onto something won’t last. 

Something that, actually, doesn’t even have a name.

“I really try to convince myself that he fucks you good, Tadashi. Otherwise, I don’t understand why you…”

I wave my hands as fast as I can because she is not being discreet at all, and two girls sitting not far from us look up at our table with a shocking expression. I remember when she used to be all shy and modest. Where did my high school friend go?

“Why do you always say that?”, I ask. “We have talked about this”.

“Yes. But I still don’t get it”. I shrug as if I didn’t care, and dig another churro on my chocolate while she turns on her chair. “Look! Look at those!”. She is pointing at some random guys that walk by towards the exit. “I bet those two can fuck well too”.

“Then, go”. I say with food in my mouth. “I’ll stay with Kei meanwhile you rediscover your passion with and for men”.

She has turned herself back to me, with angry eyes and tense jawline. Her blonde hair is no longer than her shoulders and, still, I see an immense yellow mane getting closer to me.

“You will never forgive me for discovering I was a lesbian while being with you, right?”.

I’m the one slapping on the table now. 

“Come on”. She is always bringing that up. “I’m not going to break up with Kei, okay?”.

“I thought you were not together”. 

Sadly as it sounds, I’m over with the churros for today.

“You totally understood what I meant with that”. She mocks me by mimicking my mouth movements. That’s too childish for me. “Thanks, Hitoka, you totally know how to cheer up a friend in need”.

I stand up as fast as I can, grabbing my backpack on the way.

“I thought you needed no cheering!”. Well, yes, but what it’s also totally unnecessary is for people to remind me of the mistake I’m making by staying with Kei. “Don’t go!”.

I ignore her because I know she will follow me. What I don’t expect is people stopping me from leaving Karasuno. Especially people that shouldn’t be here at all.

“Hey!”, Shoyo screams after crashing against me when we both were about to turn the corner that lead to the exit. He is smiling. It’s not that I can hurt him with a simple push. “You are still here?”.

“No, he is a ghost”. He is followed by Tobio, who reminds silent on his back… And Kenma, his friend. The guy is a famous streamer, rich as I will never be, but has never put a foot in this university other than to meet with people. “Hi, Tadashi”, he tells me.

“Hi, Kenma”. It’s been over four months without seeing the guy. Doing so again puts a smile on my face. “Glad to see you around”.

“Yeah…”, he complains. His voice always sounds so tired. “I didn’t know it was so warm today. I should have stayed at home”.

“Come on”, Shoyo complains. “We wouldn’t have met if you would have”.

I don’t know why they are all here. Kenma, logically, must be invited by my two friends, but, why are they both here and not in class?

“Are you skipping your…?”

“No”, Tobio corrects me. “They said today’s class could be done online. So we called Kenma, and we are heading to our room”.

But they for sure won’t attend the online class either. It’s not that they skip them a lot, but not having to attend the campus makes it hard for them to focus. At least they are staying indoors today. The usual thing would be dragging Kenma to the court to play with him.

He is good at volley too. Way too good, actually. That’s how him and Shoyo met, and so far I’m surprised they are not using this time together to train a bit.

“Isn’t it your last year?”, Hitoka says from my side. “Guys…”.

“Everything is fine!”, Shoyo complaints. “We have only a few classes this semester, and then it will be over”. They are all doing their PhDs at the moment. I’m the only one immersed in a second career, and it feels… awful. “Plus, Kenma is always busy. We want to enjoy our time with him. Those are the moments that will stay with us forever!”.

The guest shares a glance with everyone in here but Shoyo, and then focuses on his friend. I know he barely sleeps everyday but, damn, he looks as if he would have stayed awake for three days in a row.

“Man, I’m not dying”, he says to Shoyo. “That sounded like a goodbye”.

“Sorry, sorry”. My friend pushes his back so they keep walking. “Let’s go, you have to show me that videogame you told me about!”.

“Okay…”. I hear Kenma sighing even from afar.

Some may say he seems forced to keep their friendship alive but, truth is, they are closer than any of us. Which is fun, considering they met thanks to a volley videogame back in high school, right before meeting in person and… going out for a while. It was fun, at least for the ones not involved. They didn’t last longer than a month because they were better as friends and Kenma had a crush on his actual partner, but it destroyed Shoyo’s friendship with Tobio, because they were both in love but never did anything to confess… till then.

Shoyo’s story with Kenma is pure entertainment. What Tobio did trying to avenge his broken heart… I prefer not to think about it right now. We all make mistakes, I guess. Mine was taking Kei’s words of “not being together” too seriously, to the point of starting a relationship with Hitoka, even though I knew she was a lesbian even before she did so herself. But Tobio’s doings were worse. Way worse.

Whatever.

“I’m gonna go to class”, I say to my friend, now we are both alone.

“What? It’s not even ten yet”.

“But I had enough of your inquisitional attitude for today”. I leave her behind as I walk towards the exit. “See you this evening, okay? Remember, we have things to do”.

I hope that she thinks twice about what she says to me when we meet again.

***

I’m the last one arriving to the fart common room because, unlike everybody else, my classes and the conference lasted long enough for me to want to kill myself a few times. When I let myself fall into the sofa, Shoyo is half asleep on the floor, head leaning on Tobio’s legs, and Hitoka is on her phone telling the only one awake some drama between influencers on social media. And then is Kenma that, for some reason, he is still here, close to Shoyo, playing on his Nintendo Switch.

They look at me when I sigh, exhausted. Shoyo is still asleep.

“Tell me you already have some ideas, because my head doesn’t work”.

I beg them to say yes.

“We have nothing we didn’t have before”, says Hitoka. Which, sadly, doesn’t help me at all. “Don’t complain; you know better than anyone else that Tsukki is complicated”. 

Yes. I can’t say no to that. Celebrating his birthday is always a pain in the ass, because: he never wants to go crowded places; group plans like escape rooms or activities annoy him because Tobio and Shoyo don’t take it seriously unless it is to fight between each other; cinema or museums are fine… but it bores the others to death, so we can only do that on our own. The result is always the same: we stay indoors, order some pizza and watch a movie we all like. But, damn it, I really want to do something different this time.

“Why don’t we book a room in the campus and play some board games?”, Shoyo offers when he is awake. “He likes them”.

“But he doesn’t like you playing them”, Hitoka adds. “Last time we played Monopoly, Tobio had to be jailed in real life in a separate room because he wanted to kill Kei for buying all the properties he lost when fighting you”. It’s true.

The only good point of playing between us is that the couple is so competitive we always take advantage of their mistakes. At first, it’s always funny. Once we get annoyed… it’s not.

“Well, we can’t do movies again”. Shoyo is right on that. “He gets mad if I fall asleep”. I hide my smile because that’s true. Must be the only thing Tobio and Kei have in common. 

“You could not fall asleep this time”, Kenma offers back.

“Would be easier if he didn’t decide on some westerns or drama”.

“Westerns? We watched one like two years ago, Shoyo”. Hitoka defending Kei is something I didn’t expect today.

“Whatever. He has a weird taste, so, no movies. But then, there is nothing else to do. We can’t go dancing, we can’t go partying… And I’m not gonna go to a Museum again”.

“That would be too much culture for you”. Tobio says.

Shoyo brings his head back and pouts at him. The vile smile of his boyfriend is fun to watch. I would laugh, but I’m stressed.

“We have only five days left, guys. Please, take it seriously”. 

“Don’t look at me”, Hitoka says. I don’t know when she moved, but now she has her legs on the headrest of the sofa we are all sitting on. “You had three months to prepare”.

That’s true. But, the thing is, when we were away, my friends tried to avoid talking about Kei as much as possible. I’m glad they did, but now we are paying the cost of it.

“Honestly, why should we care that much?”, Tobio complaints. “He doesn’t even move a finger for our birthdays. We have to think the gifts, the places, the days… He does nothing. Nothing at all. I’m gonna buy him a dinosaur chocolate bar, and it’s done”.

“That would be nice, thank you”. Kei’s voice makes the four of us jump (Kenma doesn’t move a finger) and Hitoka almost falls from the sofa. He is right behind the seat, so she should have seen him coming… but her phone was more interesting,

And now, Kei is sharing a vain smile while he makes fun of our hearts almost exploding.

“You idiot”, Tobio says. “You wanna kill us?!”.

“Is that the plan for Friday?”. He looks at me and winks an eye. “Thanks, Tadashi. I like it a lot”. I shake my head and smile to myself while the rest keep complaining. “Hello, Kenma”. The streamer moves up a hand with the peace sign on it. He is busy at the moment.

“You can’t be here!”, Shoyo yells. “We are planning your birthday”.

“I’m aware of it, but, don’t worry, I don’t need a party”. He circles the sofa with a slow walking till he reaches the front and offers me a hand. “I thought we could go to the inauguration party”. Oh. Yes, there is a huge party going on this week due to the start of the new season in HQ University. I obviously didn’t think of that, since it sounds like everything he dislikes. Still, I grab his hand and get up, curious to know what he wants. Both from me and from the party. “It has everything you guys like. I can face it for once”.

“But that’s nothing different from any other day”, Shoyo points out.

Tobio’s hands don’t stop rubbing his hair and messing with it.

“I need nothing different from any other day”, Kei insists. 

Our friends are not really happy with the idea, but I know they wanted to go to that party and we couldn’t because of Kei’s birthday. Which means…

“Can I talk with you for a second?”, I say to him. “In private”.

Since he helped me get up, I guess he counted on this. I drag him away from the common room, towards our room. Once there, I close and face him.

“You are doing this so you don’t have a birthday party”. It’s not hard to see it. “The event will be here, at the main campus. You can disappear whenever you want. That’s why you want to go there and not anywhere else”.

The fakest shock of all time takes over his half serious half sarcastic expression.

“How dare you think that?”. His right hand flies to his heart. “That’s horrible, Tadashi”.

“Kei…”, I cry out. “Come on, we are trying. We really are. You don’t know how complicated it is for us to plan anything because you never help us plan anything”.

“Wait, are you going to say the same as Tobio?”. I cross my arms. “Okay, sorry. Yes. I know you work hard on planning things”. He better do so, because last weekend was a nightmare for me to plan and it was only a day in the city for us five. “But you also know I don’t need parties”. 

That’s also true. Sometimes I’ve thought of not doing anything simply because I know we can avoid long faces or fights by doing so. 

“Then, why do you offer going to one?”. He gets closer to me and shrugs on the way. 

“You guys have fun on those”.

“But you don’t”. I bring my hand up so he stops talking. “Please don’t say it’s only because you would have an easy escape”. His eyes roll back white. Then, he takes away his glasses to press against his lids. “What’s wrong, Kei?”.

“Nothing, actually”. I wait till he explains himself. “But I have to invite Akaashi, and I think I will feel better if we are surrounded by million people, so they can go on their own, and we can do the same”. 

Oh. Well. I didn’t expect that.

“But he is your friend, isn’t he?”. He nods. “Why not inviting him… like you do with Shoyo or…?”

“Because he brings Bokuto and Kuroo too, and I get uncomfortable when they are together. Especially him and Bokuto”. That’s unexpected. 

I mean, I’m aware there is something on that group that he doesn’t like, because there is no way that he hasn’t gone out with them in six years. Especially since I know Akaashi has been trying to make it happen for a while already. But, damn it, I didn’t think it would be that severe. Or maybe I’m just making things up, because the look on his face is trying to calm me down as soon as he notices I’m panicking.

“It’s okay, Tadashi”, he says. “I like them, it’s just that…”. I don’t know if he is trying to find an excuse or just he is not sure of what he feels about it. “They behave way too cloying for my taste”. Oh. Well, I would have never said so about them. “And you know how I feel with those things. I don’t need them to remind me…”. He stops talking, and I’m glad he does.

I mean, yes, now I understand why he feels bitter, but… Wouldn't I be the one annoyed by those things? Like, Kei and I are not together because he doesn’t want to, not because of me or any other external factor. He always says that it’s his life the one that decides on it, but at the end of the day, he can make his own choices. 

And I accepted long ago that I’m not one of them. Not that I can complain, since I was “fighting” with his career and future, but… damn. It hurts. It really does.

I don’t want to listen to Hitoka’s voice in my head telling me to cut ties with him. It’s as if he knew about it, because the murmurs go away the second his hand touches my face and then covers my ear.

“I prefer to enjoy my birthday with you and the guys. That’s all”.

“But Shoyo and Tobio will be there too”. That’s the only thing that makes me wonder why are Bokuto and Akaashi are any different. “They always are, and they are together”.

“To be honest, I don’t feel jealous of them. Not at all”. 

I guess he expected me to laugh. His voice has softened a bit, and I can even see he wanted to smile. Since he is still close to me, caressing my profile with tenderness, I wonder if he is asking himself what happened for me to stay so rigid.

An imperious heat takes over my chest. As soon as I try to speak, my voice breaks into babbles that turn my face red.

“You are jealous?”, I ask. “Of Akaashi and Bokuto?”.

As well as knowing that we won’t end up married together, I’m also aware of Kei wanting to be something different from what we actually are. Or that is what he has always said. “ It’s not that I don’t want to, Tadashi ”. “ I just can’t ”. 

Still, it heals my soul to be reminded that we could . That if things were different, we, perhaps, could be just like Tobio and Shoyo. Like Akaashi and Bokuto.

“Yeah”, he says. His nose gives mine a soft kiss that makes me shake. “A lot”. 

If I was brave enough, I would ask him what is exactly that he is jealous of. Their compromise? The way they don’t fear the future and embrace the past? It could be plenty of things. Way more than what comes to mind, since I don’t know them as good as Kei. 

To be fair, I don’t ask about it it’s simply because I’m scared of the answer. I don’t want to know what do they have than we don’t, other than the obvious. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep while thinking we can’t be like them just because Kei is scared of trying.

Maybe we should talk a bit more about this, especially since it’s going to be the first time we meet with them. How to deal with it, what to do if the situation is way too much for Kei to handle… or for me. But since I’m scared of saying the wrong thing, and I know quite well Hitoka would tell me that I have the total right to say whatever I want, I decide to cut the distance between us and kiss him instead.

He greets my gesture and kisses me back as soon as the shock goes away. Since he was already grabbing me by the face, there is no need for him to do anything else to keep me closer. Even so, I glue myself to him and wrap my arms around his neck. Kei pushes me against the door, and just like that, the fear of meeting with other couples is gone, at least for the time we use only for us.

Yes. It would be healthier doing as Hitoka says and stop this for once and forever. Not only because I would heal faster, but also because Kei could move on. It makes no sense for us to stay like this if there is no way we can get anything more. Maybe he is being unfair with me, keeping me closer so he can get things like this whenever he wants, but… Damn, I want too. I’m madly in love with him, of course I want it too.

And if this is the only thing I will get from him, I don’t want to lose it.

“Do you need to…” he starts asking me, “go with them?”.

I shake my head as fast as I can.

“No”, I confirm, just in case. “Not at all”.

We haven’t been together since June. After three months separated and reconciliation that has taken two weeks, I think it’s been enough for a truce to be this tedious. And I’m glad he thinks so too.

“Great”, he says, and then he brings his hand down and grabs my left wrist to drag me to bed. Light as a feather, I let myself guide till we reach the mattresses ends and he sits and does the same with me, on top of him. With both knees on his sides, I keep on kissing him as my tension turns into a pleasant shiver.

It doesn’t get any better when Kei’s hands connect between them and once moves from my hair to my back and the other one leaves my hips to do the same. His short nails scratch over my shirt. For once I’ve used a formal one to go to a short conference we had after lunch, and now I’m regretting it because the fabric sticks to my skin the moment I start sweating.

Kei doesn’t need more excuses than seeing me uncomfortable to get rid of my clothes.

He unbuttons the shirt as fast as he can. The contrast between the warmth beneath the clothes and our breath makes me tremble. The feeling doesn’t go away even when he brings me closer so my chest crashes with his. My heart starts beating faster after noticing he is as turned on as I am. His hands don’t stop moving around my naked back when I, unconsciously, grind against his lap and feel the heat on my trousers burning even more.

“ I really try to convince myself that he fucks you good, Tadashi ”, Hitoka told me this morning. Well, my dear friend, it’s been over three months since we did it for the last time, but I guess I’m going to prove you right once more.

Kei lifts me up and presses my back against the bed. He falls on top of me, kissing me  nonstop as I grab the bed sheets on a stupid try to not lose control. Once he brings down his mouth to my neck, I know I’m completely lost.

Biting my lower lip doesn’t stop me from moaning for the first time. When I do, Kei’s crotch grinds against me and I can feel his erection as hard as mine. This is… Damn. It’s been over three months. I’ve missed him so much, I don’t want to ruin this by exploding way too soon. And I think he is not aware of how nervous I am, because he has decided that rubbing my bulge with his left hand is a good idea.

It may be, but not this time.

“Kei, no”, I moan. He stops kissing me and looks for my gaze. “Slowly”.

“What? Why?”. He is clearly confused.

My cheeks turn reddish than before.

“If you do that, I’m…”. I gulp my shame away. “It’s been a while, you know?”.

“But… Haven’t you cummed since June?”.

I shake my head pretty fast to nod.

“Of course I have”. His left brow raises up and I discover I can blush even more than expected. The way I can see the corner of his lips is also attempting a smile… Damn it. “Don’t look at me like that. I’ve missed you, remember?”.

The mischievousness of his face turns into a shy regret. Wait, what did he expect me to say? Was the missing him part too much? 

Oh, come on, please, I don’t want to ruin this already. 

“I just don’t want to finish too soon”, I say, bringing back the main issue. I even look for his jawline with soft kisses and a soft bite. “I want to enjoy it. Enjoy you”.

“It wouldn’t be the first time to cum twice”, he reminds me. His voice is back to a serene and naughty tone. It sounds deeper than usual, and I can’t help it but shake again. “Would it be that bad, Tadashi?”. The way he calls my name… My back flinches and that implies that my erection reacts the moment it grinds against his once more. “I would totally enjoy it”.

I groan in response, and I let him do with me whatever he pleases. He’s back at my neck, his kisses and biting intensify now that don’t push back. If so, all I do is spreading my legs so he can lean on me. It’s impossible for me to know where I am feeling warmer. His lips, his hands and his crotch are way too heated up for me to handle it, and once his fingers play with the zipper of my trousers, I’m afraid the fire’s biggest flame will burn beneath my pants.

He brings my jeans down, but not my underwear. His kisses take a path around my chest and stomach that leads them to my hard on. I don’t stop flinching while he plays with it over the fabric. Both his mouth and hand torture me, while I can’t even keep my legs on site. I look down and see the light blue textile getting way too dark on the top and where his saliva leaves a trace. The longer I stare, the darker it gets. I’m leaking way too much already.

Shit, I know he likes it when I have more than one orgasm, but it’s not something I can guarantee. Still, I also enjoy it. I enjoy it way too much, because in almost ten years we’ve been doing things together in one way or another, only a few of those many, many times he hasn’t been able to give me two. Plus, it’s not that I’m always like this. It’s just that… he takes advantage of when I’m about to lose control to push me to the limit. 

And he is well aware that I’m about to reach mine now.

“Kei”, I groan. He brings down my underwear then and takes my erection with both his right hand and mouth. “Oh, my…”. I cover my face with my arms but that doesn’t stop me from moaning once he starts sucking me. 

My sexual records are a joke. I’ve been with a few other people other than him, but it hasn't been that much, and I’m afraid that doesn’t improve my experience, not in the slightest. Him, on the other hand, hasn’t even kissed anyone other than me. All he knows is because he has learned it by doing it with me . I’m no master, not at all. Kei, on the other hand… 

I think of the guys Hitoka showed me this morning and of how good or bad they may be during sex. Sadly for her and also for them, I have no interest in knowing so. It's always like this, I end up coming back to him. I just want this.

I just want him.

“Kei, I’m… I’m gonna…”. With no more than a minute and a half of stroking and sucking me, I explode and he takes my orgasm as usual. He didn’t even need to finger me, I was ready to go from only kissing and rubbing each other’s boners.

My body still shakes like a maraca when he comes closer to my face and ask for a kiss. It’s not till I’m finally sure I’m done that I bring my hands a bit down to look at him. 

There he is, the mischievous he always uses against me. He leans to finally taste my lips and I can’t do more than allowing him to do so. I better get on going with second round, because I really need to get him naked too.

“Damn it, you have trained a lot this summer?”, he points out.

He is not talking about orgasming or not. His eyes, when looking down, stop at my torso that, compared to three months ago, I’m aware is fitter. Still, I look nothing more than a spaghetti compared to anyone else. Even him is stronger than me, and trains less than I do. But his arms are toned, so is his back. As we kiss, I touch everywhere around him and… Darn, I’ve missed every part of him.

“I had to make sure you would still find me attractive after the holidays”. That’s a stupid take from my part, but I’m glad Kei doesn’t think I’m being serious. Also, it’s a relief he doesn’t see it as a possible complaint. This is not the time to get deep, not talking at least. 

“I would like you anyway”, he reminds me. “I think the only part of you I would miss if it would change would be your freckles”. He saying so while kissing me over my shoulders, where I have the most of them… It brings a smile to my face.

“So I can’t cover them with make up?”.

“You can do as you want”. He leans over me again, now pushing my hips up with his as he lifts my body. I guess second round is about to start. “But I would be very sad, Tadashi”.

He can be thankful I love my freckles, because otherwise I would hide them just to see if he is lying or not. Since there is no need to do so, I welcome his new kiss as I make sure my hands get to work as soon as I feel my erection reacting again.

I get rid of his t-shirt so I can touch his skin freely. He is obsessed with my neck today, so I let him have fun in there while I scratch his back and make sure I take my trousers and underwear completely out of our way. Also my trainers, and his too. Kei unzips his jeans on his own, but I’m not ready for him go any further.

He does anyway, and I’m paralyze while looking at him getting naked. I’ve seen this boy growing up, and he has seen me doing the exact same. I can’t believe sometimes I still act as if it was the first time we do this. 

I don’t want to think there will be one in which it will be the last.

“Hey”, he calls me out. “I know I’m not as hot as you, but could you stop making that face?”. I stare back at him and bite my lip to not laugh at that stupid comment.

“Silly”, I say. He smiles right before kissing me again. “You are. At least to me”.

He groans a soft laugh and I decide to bring one of my hands down. The left one plays roughly with his hair. The right one, though, starts touching him softly. I sense the exact moment in which his stomach contracts. Once he starts pausing our kiss to lower down his forehead an breath, I know he is more than ready to keep going.

I take away his glasses off with my higher hand so he doesn’t break them when hiding on my neck. I push them further, they almost fall by the edge. As if he would have been waiting for that, I decide to be the one preparing both us while he enjoys the process. I masturbate him at the same time I use one of my fingers to open myself. Since I prefer when he does it instead of me, I don’t feel that much on my own. What keeps me trembling is the touch of his erection getting bigger. The throbbing of it while I move my hand up and down and play with his tip. The sweet sound of his groans on my ear take me to the moon and bring me right back as soon as he moves.

He gets totally on his knees, staring at me as I bring myself a bit closer thanks to my elbows. There is no need to ask me if I’m ready, but I still nod to encourage him. Then, Kei moves my hands away and takes over the control of both our bodies. He spits on his right hand and wets himself. Before pressing against my entrance, he wets me too. At first I never think it works at all; the pressure is still intense, and the tightness doesn’t help. Still, I’m so used to him that my body needs no more than some gentle affection to welcome him.

The moment he leans back on top of me to kiss, I’m totally devoted.

Kei accommodates my legs over his shoulders so he can get closer to me. As he moves, our tongues get tangled in a passionate reunion I don’t want to break. Not even when the pleasure starts taking over any other sensation and I forget to breath. I know it’s been months since the last time we did this, but still feels as if it was yesterday that we were just like this. That he stared at me with those golden eyes, shining bright as a full moon while me, his werewolf, would be on the way to lose myself beneath his light.

As sad as it sounds, I stop the kiss to press my head back. My chin lifts as pleasure runs over my spine. Kei, as expected, comes closer and kiss my neck, my jawline. He tries to kiss my lips too, but we both fail to make it last. The temptation is there, though, and not being able to get over it will make it hard for both of us. 

Therefore, he comes out and turns me so I can face the mattresses. Lying with my back to his chest, I grab onto the sheets with both my hands and also my teeth. He sits on me and fills me up as soon as he is ready. There is no need to go gentle this time, even he never hurts me. I’m thankful he goes rough, or at least as rough and he could. Once he starts pounding, I remind myself that the one that has to cum this time is him and not me.

I let go off the sheets to grab his arms. He frames me with both. I’m not tender when I dig my nails into his wrists, and he is not delicate either when bringing his head down to bite my shoulder as we both groan. I don’t mind the pain on my skin. He doesn’t, either. Kei keeps thrusting as he pushes me ahead, almost crashing both of us against the backboards. I need to use my right hand to press against the wood so I don’t do so with my head. I also change the sheets with the pillows, so I can hide my moaning a bit more. His, though, is born and dies in the same place: next to my right ear. 

The louder he gets, the noisier I turn out. And as much as I would love to hear him forever, I’m glad when he warns me that he is about to cum.

I guess we were both so ready for this, we need no more than that.

His orgasm warms me up, and even if I’m sure I could get myself a second one if we kept going, I turn myself around to let him know I’m fine. He then falls down on my side, exhausted after the high pace he set. I also feel half heal half broken. The simple mix of both makes me smile as I try to take my hair away from my face. I can barely focus on anything.

“Next time… I will do more…”, I say out of breath. 

I think he laughs, but I’m not sure.

“It’s fine”. He can’t breathe a lot either. “It was my fault”.

“I haven’t complained”. Now, yes, I hear him laughing clearly. 

“And I hope you don’t”. I slap his chest with the back of my hand. I didn’t know he picked up his glasses again, and my gesture makes them fall to the mattress again.

Damn it, we are a mess. 

“If you trained with us…”, I try to say, “you won’t get that tired”.

“You are tired too, anyway”. 

That’s sadly true.

“But I could have cummed twice”. I attempt to bring two fingers up, but I fail. 

“Fair point”. Hearing him so exhausted makes me smile like a stupid. 

We are both sweaty and breathless, but I manage to turn myself to a side and hug him somehow. He welcomes me under his arm, and starts brushing my hair with his hand. I guess I will fall asleep before even planning to go dinner today.

“Wanna know something funny?”, he says.

I don’t think he will recover from this anytime soon.

“Surprise me”. I won’t, either. Quickies are always the worst, damn it.

“The other day… I think Kuroo… was flirting with me”.

That’s so unexpected I have to frown and bring myself up. My arm shakes as I use it to stay high. Kei’s chest, on the other hand, is still inflating and deflating as he breathes. He is the one that has said so, but also the first to shrug as if it made no sense at all.

Kuroo? Flirting with him? I don’t know why, but I start to giggle as I fall down again.

He covers me with his arm so my chuckle is not that noisy.

“Fuck you, Tadashi. You said I was hot”.

“You are, Kei”. Even if right now I don’t sound really credible. “To me”.

Maybe people like Kuroo thinks so too. Perhaps even Akaashi, or Shoyo. Who knows? Whatever it is, I don’t really care. Yes, we are not together and never will be, but right now while I hug him as he kisses my head crown, I don’t need anything else.

Pain will make me mourn when bliss disappears. Till then, this is more than enough.

Chapter Text

AKAASHI

I would trust Tetsuro with my life, but not with my friendships. He is a great guy, one of the best out there and for sure my best friend. Still, he is a total mess when it comes to approaching people. I mean, he and Kotaro have been fooling around since high school era, and none of them have been quite mature when interacting. That’s why I’m the one leading every kind of… arrangement, and I hate that I thought stepping aside from this would be a good idea.

Things would have gone way better if it would have been me telling Kei about his birthday. Since it’s our last year together as classmates, I needed no more excuses than that one. It’s true that my first attempt was a mess, and the second one came out as quite disturbing. But I trusted Tetsuro and his nonexisting flirting skills for a thid round... And now I think my classmate wants to kill me.

“Look, Akaashi”, he told me when we saw each other in the first class of the week. He literally came to my side of the bench before taking a seat and leaned over the table to get close to me. “You can come to my birthday party, but, please, don’t send your friend after me ever again ”.

It’s fun because, with any other person, I would have had zero issues in telling them the truth. With Kei, though, with all the attachment issues he has, it feels… weird. It’s been six years of us knowing each other. Way too long of me hoping for him to meet with us. If he doesn’t want to, even if it’s clearly obvious he has no idea of what’s actually going on, then I will accept it.

… But he has invited us to his birthday party. After many years thinking this wouldn't happen, it finally did. And all because Tetsuro messed up.

“Why are you mad, then?”, he tells me. “It worked, didn’t it?”.

“Worked?”, Kotaro asks. “He is scared of you. How is that working?”.

My old friend shares a perverse smirk to both of us. We are at their campus main building, waiting for classes to start. I’m free this time, thankfully, but they will have to go soon, so I wanted to use this short period of time to face Tetsuro since we didn’t see each other yesterday. He didn’t expect to see the angry side of me because of this.

“Well, that’s exactly what I expected to happen”, he says to us. Even Kotaro is quite annoyed, because he is the only one who really thinks his bestie is the best as flirting from all of us. He didn’t believe me when I told him what Kei said, but later on he wanted to kill his best friend. “We are invited, aren’t we?”.

“Yes, but just because he feels forced to do so". My friend sighs as if that wasn't true. I’m shocked and confused. “What? Did you even plan for him to get annoyed?”.

I always make fun of his flirting skills. They never work, not literally, and I always thought there was something off of it, since Tetsuro is the hottest guy I’ve seen in my life… other than my own boyfriend, of course. So, since I am never there when he approaches people, I have to believe the results of his practices. Sometimes I obviously see the positive outcome; he brings his hook up with us and everything goes just fine. But on most occasions, what he does ends up in me having to deal with the disaster… or Kotaro having to intervene, which is not ideal.

Tetsuro is bad at flirting. My boy is even worse.

So trusting him with something like this was a mistake. Or, apparently, that’s what I thought, because he is far from being ashamed of what happened with Kei.

“Of course, Aka”, he tells me. “I know nothing about him, but you’ve told me he is a tough nut to crack. You haven’t met with him in six years other than to study or working. And if you have, it’s been after facing college duties”. Which is sadly true. “That means he is not easy to approach. I was not gonna go and seduce him as nothing. He clearly is not that kind of guy”. There is a short pause in which his eyes fly away to the past. “He totally is not that kind of guy”. Damn, what did really happen between them?. “Anyway. You wanted him to invite you to his birthday party, and I made it work”.

“But, how?”, Kotaro insists. “He doesn't want us there. What’s the point of annoying him?”. 

“Making him think Aka was behind my supposed bad flirting talent”. We both look at each other trying to understand why is that so obvious. “I was horrible, trust me. Not even Kenma would like that”. And my streamer friend likes everything that comes from Tetsuro. “So the expected outcome would be him thinking you sent me after him. And I was tedious enough for him to go after you and invite you to the party just to avoid me trying again. He may be mad at me, but not you”.

“Dude, but that’s…”, Kotaro, with crossed arms against his chest and leaning on a column, stares at his best friend with shocked eyes. “Awesome”.

“What?”. I can’t believe he just said that. “That sucks, how can you say awesome?”.

They are both high-fiving in front of me. Not even them dressed in shirt and tie take away the fact that they are acting like fucking children.

“Because it worked out!”, my boyfriend says. “You see? I told you, he is the best at it”.

“Is he?”. I cross my arms now, offended. It takes him five seconds to understand why am I getting mad at him.

“No, babe”. He comes closer to me. “You are better than him”. 

I avoid his mouth when he tries to kiss me. I face Tetsuro again, my main issue here.

“I don’t want him to invite me out of fear, Tesso”.

“Well, you didn’t specify”. I bite my lip because that’s true. “I did my best. What did you expect? Me begging for him to invite you because you were about to kill yourself? Make him fall in love with me?”. I mean, both possibilities would have been less uncomfortable for him. Even the suicide one. “The first one would be quite sad. And the second one is still a hard one to achieve”. 

“Wait, what do you…?”. I start to shake my head to push away the thoughts. “No, Tesso. It’s enough. You did it; congrats, we are invited to the party, but please, don’t go any further with Kei”. His expression turns somehow annoyed. “He is my friend, remember? I don’t want him to stop being one because of you”.

“Come on, dear Akaashi”. He comes to me and lays an arm over my shoulder. “You know me. I don’t like to be rejected”. 

“You weren’t even flirting properly. Why wanting anything more?”.

“Because…”. Once again, his tone turns into something provocative. “I think you were right; he is interesting”. 

“Come on, dude”, Kotaro also sees the bad side of this. “The harder they are to approach, the more you like them, am I right?”. 

“You are totally correct, my friend”. He shakes his hand again, but now my boyfriend doesn’t really follow him with the fun. 

Tetsuro goes away, right to their laboratory where they will be till the evening. Me, on the other hand, have to face a class with Kei this same afternoon. And I’m not ready for that.

I sigh and go directly to the closest toilet. There is a guy next to me, one of Kotaro's young apprentices, but I ignore how petrified he is when I come in almost running to the sink. I open the tap and wet my face and hair. I’m not wearing glasses today, and I feel dizzy. Just as if my vision blurred out of nowhere. Damn, this could turn out badly with Kei. Can’t Tetsuro be a bit more comprehensive? 

The bathroom’s door opens as the guy next to me runs away. Not that I care much, but when I can finally gaze up to the mirror, I ignore my own reflection and stare at Kotaro. He is right behind, leaning against one of the toilet’s doors. The navy blazer of his working uniform and the white shirt clearly one size lower than he needs makes him look like a pimp. His hair is halfway down today, too, so the shadow of his bangs over his face makes him look mysterious. We must be alone, otherwise, whomever would be in here would be already out.

He has some kind of natural scent that turns everyone around crazy over him. Even I, after so many years used to his presence, get weaker when he looks at me like that.

“Stop”, I complain, and I bring my head down again. This time, I don’t wet my face. “You know I’m right. I don’t care how much you admire his skills”.

I think he laughs, but I don’t look up to check on it. That smirk of his… damn, it drives me crazy even when I don’t see it. The mere memory of it is enough. How the fuck does he do it?.

“It’s not that bad, Keiji”, he reminds me. “I don’t think Tsukki is mad at you. Not even mad at Kuroo; I think he is way more intelligent than that”.

“What do you even mean?”. 

I turn around to face him, and he uses that to get closer to me. Both his hands grab my hips, but I look for balance on the sink. I also avoid making contact with his bright eyes, otherwise the fire of his iris would melt my bones. His intentions are clear: he wants me to forgive Tetsuro, and he knows how to do so.

“I bet Kuroo thought of it before acting, and that he said what he said just to annoy you too". I guess he means his plan of Kei thinking it was all my idea. "He knows Tsukki is clever, you told him. And I’m sure Tsukki thought the exact same thing: Kuroo wanted to help, and since he acted like a douchebag he must have assumed you were mad at your own friend for being so foolish”.

That’s quite a deep analysis of what happened. It’s true Kei wasn’t mad at me; we kept talking as if nothing happened after he invited me to the inauguration party, but, still, I felt strange from start to finish. As if he would be keeping himself from telling me what he actually thought.

Maybe Kotaro is right and I’m just too overdramatic. I never care that much about what people think of us when Tetsuro or I approach them. Most of the time, we succeed, since we have a good eye when it comes to choosing people. But Kei, for some reason, have been around me for so long it really feels weird for him to get mad after so many years. And I don’t want to lose the respect we did bond during that time. Especially since I know how hard it is for him to commit to something or someone.

Kotaro may be right. He is way too clever to think I’m that stupid to send Tetsuro after him with such a stupid behavior. Now, then, why did he invite us?

“Hey, babe”. His right index lifts my chin and I surrender to his golden yellow eyes. The confidence he radiates is enviable even for me. “Don’t think too much about it. We will go, it will be fun, and that’s all”.

“No, that’s not all”, I remind him. “You heard him; he is gonna go after Tsukki”. 

I’m afraid Tetsuro’s stubbornness won’t be easy to stop.

“So what?”. His smile makes me forget what we were talking about for a second. “Maybe that’s good for us, isn’t it?”.

Good for us? Well, I mean, of course it can be. But, after many years, I’ve just assumed Kei is too worried about other things to listen to anything Tetsuro or I could tell him. He is not even willing to commit to his non-boyfriend. What do we expect from Tetsuro flirting with him if his all time love hasn’t been able to do more?

“You want that?”, I ask him. Since there is nothing we can do till Friday night, I prefer to not think about it. “You want Tsukki to fall on Tesso’s spell?”. 

Kotaro licks his lower lip as a reflex action to his thinking. He spaces out for a second, but I stay glued to the wetness of his mouth. The softness of his skin now that his tongue has painted over it. The memory of its taste, too, is enough for me to not listen to what he says right after coming back to Earth.

I know I’m lost when he smiles again. He knows so, too.

“I want you to be happy”, he says. And it sounds more romantic that what actually is.

Because he totally knows what would make me the happiest right now.

“Then, you could kiss me”, I murmur. 

Since he licked his own lip, I haven't looked at anything that hasn’t been his mouth. I also haven't think or listen to anything anymore.

“Yeah?”, he provokes me, almost laughing at me. 

The hand that lifted my chin is now caressing my right profile and getting lost in my hair. The soft scratch of his fingers on my scalp straightens my spine and makes my leg shake. I get taller just by using my tiptoes. Still, I don’t reach his mouth because his head moves up to avoid me. I almost groan in anger, but he is fast enough to make me forget about it.

His lips torture mine in soft touch that goes away too soon. I stare at him in desire. Thankfully, his own appetite is as obvious as mine.

“Kiss me”, I beg. Even if I’m quite aware it comes out as an order. “Do it, Taro”. 

“As you wish”. 

And just like that, my starvation comes to an end when he feeds me with that I needed the most right now. I bring his head closer by pulling his neck towards me, and that presses our bodies together. He may have noticed I’m not doing well by now; my bulge is quite obvious down there, and he likes it so much he needs not a lot to start grinding against me. It takes even less time for him to feel the same urgence I sense. Once that happens, the feeling on my crotch is like a burning flame.

Instead of pressing my legs together, I spread them in need. I’m hungry for me, I really want him to feed me.

But maybe this is not the right place. 

“Wait…”, I babble when his kisses abandon my mouth and move to my ear. He plays with its lobe and the back of it. My skin shivers by the soft touch of his tongue and the warmth of his breath. “Let’s go somewhere else”.

“No”, he groans. The desperation of Kotaro Bokuto is taking the lead. “Here is fine”.

“Taro…”.

To shut me up, his right hand leaves his left twin behind on my hair and travels south to my crotch. He grabs me firmly. I feel like flying when he lifts me up and sits me on the sink. This is not the biggest bathroom of the campus; it barely has three taps on a long counter and four private toilets. Still, right now all I care about is how big his hard on is.

When he spreads my legs even wider and presses against my body, I guarantee it is big enough to make my heart beat in agony, but I can also confirm it can still get bigger.

“It’s fine”, he insists, almost groaning once more. The trembling of his voice right beneath my ear makes my arm shake. The grip on the sink works as nothing, so I decide to grab his waist instead. “No one comes in here”.

“Since when?”. I don’t mind playing in public places, but I don’t want to give him any kind of trouble.

“Since I’m here”. That seems to be enough for him to keep rubbing his hand on my crotch. “You saw my apprentice, Keiji; he flew away, they respect their superiors way too much to interrupt”.

That makes me giggle.

“You idiot”. He also laughs on his way back to my mouth. Our noses share a kiss our lips still beg for. I raise my hand to his blue tie and grab it to push it down. “Go, then, Master Bokuto”.

They always think he is way too fool and childish to be the genius he actually is. Not only when it comes to his career, I know him for so long it kills me when people think he is not even clever as a human being. The truth is, he is not only emotionally intelligent, but also one of the wiser men I know. Tetsuro would fight to death for him, if someone dared to make fun of his happiness. Even Kenma, since it was the two of them who brought us for together thanks to videogames, would go to war for Kotaro Bokuto.

I would kill anyone and would do anything that would put a smile on him. My actions if they dare to doubt him in front of me… The world doesn’t want to know.

He loves to be reminded of how superior he is to the rest. So when I invite him to continue, his desire turns into some specific task to achieve. His lips are wet again, even though it wasn’t me. Instead of licking them now, Kotaro bites them in extreme agony.

I can sense how horny he is right now. His hard on is about to break his pants.

“Akaashi…”, he groans against my mouth. 

It sounds like a magic word to me, working as a password so I can spread my lips and allow him in. His tongue needs a second to tangle with mine. It’s not my intention to pull on his tie, but I do so and for the slightest time he gets down, I’m taller.

“Are you gonna fuck me, Taro?”, I dare him. To provoke him even more, I let go off his tie and grab his enormous boner. “With this?”.

“Fuck, Keiji”. He is so weak when I speak to him. “I want to fuck you so bad right now”. 

I know he does. Therefore, I bring my hips closer to his so we can burn each other. The mere gesture drives him crazy. He lowers down his gaze to picture me already naked. He hates my jeans right now, and I don’t blame him; I hate his trousers too.

“Do it”, I say. “I’m so empty, Taro. Fix that”.

He needs to hear no more: as fast as he can, he gets rid of his navy blazer and throws it to the nearest sink. I try to do the same with my jersey, but he is faster: his hands grab my clothes and he pulls them out of my head. Then, with my naked chest inflating up and down already way too excited, I just wait till he loosens his tie. I start unbuttoning his shirt from below, and he does the same from the top.

My palms press against his chest as soon as I see his pecs. I’ve never been more blessed about anything other than him continuing to play volley in his free time. He chose his career over sport, even if he was an excellent player. Still, he trains and helps the Fukurodani team from time to time… and he takes it as seriously as his PhD, and his body is the proof of it.

My sexual drive is way too intense when it comes to people. Still, nothing compares to what he makes me feel. Both physically and emotionally. 

He is fast when it comes to undressing me. My jeans go to my feet on a fast move, and I’m afraid my boxers won’t hold back my boner any longer. Kotaro pulls them off and frees my cock. As usual, his arms shake as he sees it, even if I know that he is in need of something more. Something that brings him on his knees, and that attracts his mouth to my crotch. Even if I lean against the sink, there is no way I can handle all the shaking once both his hands start to work on me.

The left one jerks me off with tenderness while the right one bends my leg so I put my foot on the ceramic. With a better reach and sight, he licks the base of my cock and my balls, and then moves further to my hole. His tongue starts to prepare me till he decides to use his right fingers to open me up. I can’t look while he goes down on me; it makes me way too anticipated to see someone like him loving me so much. Instead, I close my eyes and force me to keep it cool. Even if I always fail, and even though it would be better if this doesn’t last too long. I always regret wasting my time with him.

I don’t care if we will stay together forever; my biggest fear will always be taking a look back at our past and regretting more than I can cheer. 

“You are so good…”, I tell him. Not that he doesn’t know, but praising him has always been one of his biggest turn ons. “Fuck, Taro, I’m shaking”. 

He knows me better than anyone. Not even Tetsuro, with how talented he is in bed, can reach the level of knowledge Kotaro has about me. Every trembling, every centimeter of skin that reacts to his touch. The goosebumps, the moanings. He can read me like a mathematical formula that not everyone can resolve.

But he is a genius. My genius. And I love to know I’m no mystery to him.

I open my eyes just when cold makes my cock throb. He is back at me, looking for my mouth so we can kiss while his hands keep the work down there. I’m more than ready to welcome him in. Still, he loves to probe me. Today I’m not at my best. Today, I’m afraid, I will beg for him to look for my orgasm as soon as possible.

Reading my mind as usual, he let go of my cock and hole to take his belt away and then unzip his black trousers. I stare at the happy trail of his pubis as I’m waiting for him to finally release the beast. Once he does so and his cock comes out, I start leaking from mine as a hungry bitch drooling in front of a feast.

He spits his palm and then rubs his tip to wet himself as he brings his skin down and up to enjoy himself. If we weren’t in here, if this would be our room or a more private place, I would stop him from going any further and I would get on my knees to suck him out. But we can’t do that now. This has to end soon, so I hold onto my own leg so it stays bent as he grabs his cock and brings it to my ass. I take the head of it pretty fast. The rest of his stiff, as always, takes longer for it to get in.

I can read his pleasure by the strength of his grip on my waist. Also, his abs contract to every move, while mine try their best to not shake too much. Any other kind of control over my body is useless once he sets the pace and starts thrusting against me. Once again, my head falls back and my eyes close to give myself to the sensations.

Every time he gets inside, every single moment in which I feel his length in me, I swear is the pure definition of bliss. It makes me forget what doesn’t really matter. Fights, exams, or even any possible health inconvenience I could face. Nothing matters when he fucks me because, while we do so, it’s as if a power higher than any god would take over my destiny to make a proper blessing out of me.

“Taro…”, I moan. “Deeper, Taro…”. 

“Not… so fast”, he groans. “You deserve better than that”. His left hand pulls from my nape so my head comes to the front to kiss. He devours me and my cock throbs as we do. “I won’t fill you up with nothing but the best, baby”. I smirk out of pure passion. 

For him, only the best is enough. 

For me, he is the best, so there is nothing more I can say to that.

“Go faster, then”, I say. Now I grab onto the sink again, so I can use my body at will. “We can’t be here forever. Tesso will get mad at you again”. And I don’t want him to be late either. But the best of this is how mad he gets every time I tell him about this moment not being eternal.

“Fuck him”, he groans. “I don’t care”.

“I do, babe”. And to prove so, I start moving my hips back and forth to take him in faster. I don’t go as deep as we can, but I for sure milk him well enough for Kotaro to lose his mind. “I need you already”. I try to convince him somehow. “Do it. Fill me up”.

“Not yet”, he insists. 

But then I lift myself, taking him whole and moving up and down on a painful balance as I look for his mouth to bite his lower lip and weaken him completely. His teary eyes look for my, right now, vile ones. I let go of his mouth and he moans to me.

It’s been enough of him ruling over me. It’s my turn to remind him who is in charge here.

“Do it”, I order. “Cum, Taro. Cum now”. 

Obedient as he is, he starts pounding against me so I can rest on the sink. The immensity of his stiff takes over me for still more than a minute till his deeper groans announce his orgasm. My head goes back once more, but this time my eyes remain open, even if they roll white in bliss. As soon as I feel his cum filling me up, every part of my body shakes and I grab my cock to jerk off so I can explode myself too. 

Once we are empty, he stays inside of me for a while as he rest on my shoulder. I wrap mu arms over his, so he doesn’t pull back. I want every part of him to stay in me, and that’s what I try when his dick leaves my body and I press my hole so nothing leaks. I get dress as fast as I can, and even though I know his orgasm won't stay with me forever, I like to think it will.

His smile proves he does so too.

"I will think of you carrying me around the whole day", he says. "But I won't say anyone about it. Even though I know they all would he jealous".

“Good boy”, I tell him, giving him a soft kiss as a reward. “Go work now, don’t make them wait any longer”. 

I’m used to doing so anyway, but just as always, I can't wait for his day to be over.

***

Kei hasn’t acted any differently from expected today. If he was or is still mad at me somehow, I can't prove it. Also, today's class has been quite a nightmare, and sadly, we didn't have enough time to talk. It's only when we are on our way out that we can finally catch up somehow.

Of course, the last thing I mention is anything related to Kuroo or the party.

“Mine hasn't been accepted yet”, I say about my application to a Musuem in Lightlair to which I want to go do my practice next semester. “But they were so interested, I highly doubt they won’t accept me”.

“Hopefully they will”, he says. “Both mine and yours are ruled by the same company. That means we may be able to keep working together somehow”. As sad as it sounds, it's true that there are not many public Museums around here. So far, our practices can't be done anywhere but in those. So, yesh, Kei is right: from the worst outcome, that would be actually quite a good ending.

“Would be could”. I'm willing to wait longer for a response if that means we can stay connected somehow. “Also, if they like us, they may offer us a job in there. Which would still be cool for both of us”. He nods in agreement. “Plus won't be too far from here”. That, he doesn't get it. “So Tadashi will still be close”.

His eyes don't look for mine as we keep walking our way out the building. I think he sighs. Damn, I'm pissing him off again.

“This place will be close”, he says. “But Tadashi will end up going somewhere else. Who knows where. The Arctic or something”.

“I bet they have Museums there”. He stops walking right when crossing the gates and I raise up my arms, but I don't look back at him. “Okay, okay! Won't say more. Sorry”. I try to share a smile so we don't fight. As soon as I turn on one of the lower steps from the stairs, I see he is not that angry… but he can, soon.

Behind, resting against a column next to the huge door of the building, Tetsuro stares at both of us with a perverse grin. Well, no, he is not looking at me at all.

No way he has come to spy on Kei. No fucking way.

“Whatever”, I say, and quickly come towards my blond friend to push him down the stairs. “Weren't you in a hurry?”. 

He doesn't trip down just because I'm faster and I grab his arm before he crashes against the ground. Kei stares back at me with total shock.

“To my death?”, he mocks. “Chill, man”.

“My bad”. I palm his back and insist on him not looking at the doors. “See you tomorrow”.

He is so confused I think he prefers not to ask. As he puts on his headphones, I wait till he is walking away from the stairs to turn myself to the gates. I'm the one almost tripping down now. Tetsuro, next to me, grabs me by the arm to stop me from falling.

“Jeez, Aka, relax”.

“You asshole”, I push him back. Of course, he laughs. “Why are you here? And don't lie to me, I know you haven't come to pick me up”.

“Actually, I could”. He is not wearing his navy blazer on, only a white shirt and a black vest. Way too handsome for how angry I am. “Bokuto has to stay a bit longer. You know, boss stuff. So you are free for the evening”.

“Awesome”. Actually, it sucks. “Dare to explain why are you here, then?”.

“I wanted to check on your friend”. He doesn't even hide it. “Who is that Tadashi you mentioned? His boyfriend?”.

“No”. As soon as I reply, I'm aware I should have lied and said the opposite. “Something else”.

“Like what?”.

“Like please, Tesso, don't stick your nose in this. Don't mess this up”.

He starts walking down the stairs and I follow him. Even if he acts as if he were thinking about it, it's just a pose.

“I won't, if that’s what matters to you”.

I sigh in despair.

“You are annoying”.

“But you love me”. He stops a few steps ahead of me so, for once, I'm taller. I would punch him so he can fall down and break a rib or something, but Kenma would kill me. Plus, he is way too pretty for that.

“Yeah, sadly”. He smiles like an idiot and then begs me for a kiss. I give him one out of desperation. “Still, Tesso…”.

“Hey, Aka, I know, okay?”. For once, when I stop and look at him, I feel like he is listening. Even though he is still smiling, he takes my words into consideration. “Don't you trust me? After all?”.

Of course I do, but, damn it. None of us know how Kei will react to whatever he is planning to. Not even me, that I'm his only friend from the three of us. 

Still, I know I may be acting way too intensely. As much as I know he is a mess sometimes, he has never hurt me nor Kotaro. Of course, Kenma either. Hurting Kei would be like betraying me. So, honestly, I hope he knows where is he getting into.

“He is great”, I tell him. To what he nods. “Not in a relationship, but… it's a strange situation”. He takes notes in complete silence. “Please, respect his boundaries”. 

“You know I always do so”. Yes. On that, I know I can count on him. “Still, I like you say that”. I frown in advance to whatever stupidity he is about to say. He is walking away from me, so I’m right in expecting so. “If you tell me that, it means you already expect me to succeed”.

To be fair… I don't expect it, I fear it. I mean. I can’t guarantee so, but I’m afraid there is a big chance of him doing so.

“I leave you know, Aka. I’m done with my schedule for today, so that means I'm free this evening and I’m taking Kenma out for a nice dinner”.

"A dinner he will end up paying". 

He is not ashamed. If so, he is proud of his boy's bank account.

"You lucky bastard. I’m jealous, you know?”. He winks an eye to me and then waves his right hand. “Enjoy!”, I say.

Then I get left alone, thinking what to do till my boyfriend is out of work so I don't miss him that much. I guess we won’t have a fancy dinner tonight. So far, I guess I will be fine with just getting home.

Chapter Text

KUROO

We knew from the beginning where were we heading to. Still, I’m afraid my dear friend Akaashi is quite disappointed with the outcome. Bokuto looks for me once his man stops walking. We share a glance on his back. I shrug, and my mate turns his mouth into a sad pout.

In front of us, though, my friend sighs in resignation.

“Well, it’s better than nothing”. His man tries to chill any possible reaction a bit. “It’s not his party, just a regular one, but he invited us. So that means, we can still join him”.

Yeah. I mean, Tsukishima told Akaashi to meet for his birthday, and since he and his friends were coming to the inauguration event of HQ University, I don’t know why didn’t we think of it as an excuse to not celebrate with us in private. Now that we are here, it makes total sense that, if he didn’t want us around, we would have to join him… surrounded by hundreds of people like were are now. 

“Sure”, Akaashi says. “How can I complain?”. Ironic as he is, I feel attacked when his sea blue eyes catch me unguard looking around. I bring my hands up to protect myself.

“Hey, I did my best”, I remind him. “You wanted to be invited, but didn’t say a word about where or when”.

“Could you stop with the tricks and interpretations?”, he complains. “This failed, it’s enough”. He brings his hand to his forehead and starts pinching between his brows. 

It’s sad, to be honest, he even dressed accordingly for a party, all in dark blues and shoes. Even his man chose a white shirt under a tight dark cardigan. Compared to my pure black hoodie and broken dark jeans… I think I’m the most suited for this celebration. All for nothing, because everyone around looks already passing out.

“We can still look for him”, Bokuto says. “I still think he will be okay if we hang out a bit with them. He invited us, after all”.

“You are always so optimistic”, his boy says.

My friend doesn’t deny such thing.

“I mean, we are at a party. The whole HQ University is here. It’s complicated, but not impossible, to cross paths, isn’t it?”.

The most expected reaction would be Akaashi facing Bokuto to tell him to piss off. Or even turning against me once more. Everything is an option. Still, all he does is stare far away while his eyes start narrowing to a scheming expression. Both his boyfriend and I try to copy, and Bokuto doesn’t seem to guess what is he looking at. Me, on the other hand, after trying to find Tsukishima among the crowd, I get to discover someone that it’s totally not him, but that could lead us to some trouble anyway.

“Oh, oh…”, I mutter. “I guess what you said about crashing into people”, I tell to Bokuto, who is still lost, “works for and with everyone”.

Since Akaashi is not gonna point out, I do instead. I bring my index up and mark the dyed blond guy leaning against a huge banner of a raffle. There is an enormous streetlamp illuminating him from above, and since he is wearing white jeans and a light blue shirt, it’s hard to miss among the people around him, all in dark tones.

To be fair, the fact that this party is on the outside makes it look like a summer music festival. Finding people must be hard, and yet, my friends managed to crash into someone they prefer not to be close, not the slightest.

“Damn, I thought he was gone already”, I said.

“You kidding?”, Bokuto adds. “Of course he was gonna come back. He still plays volley, and he’s a star around here. His career was a required procedure for him to move into some bigger statement. I suppose what they said about him needing a PhD was true, and he found a way of being accepted in here again”.

“It’s not that his family name is that important”, I remind him.

“He is still Atsumu Miya, Kuroo”. Bokuto is really pissed off right now. Since Akaashi is a few steps ahead, I can’t picture his face. “He is his own name”.

I don’t take their anger that seriously because it’s not that they hate each other or something. They just… Well. If someone should be mad from the three of us, is Aka. He was the one that got too attached to Atsumu back in the day, just because he was obsessed with his unreachable twin brother Osamu and wanted to get over him. Then, it was Bokuto who messed up… but I’m not gonna bring up how the hell did he managed to ruin everything. 

That’s their story, not mine. 

But I will totally be playing a supporting role, since Miya has decided that looking in our direction was the perfect idea, and his brown eyes have found us clearly staring at him. Once the guy smiles widely and waves his hand to us, I do my best to not show lots of emotions.

This is gonna be fun. I’m sorry for my friends, but it’s the truth. I’m as fast as I can and bring up my phone to text Kenma about it.

Tetsuuu.

Guess what [20.12pm]

Guess what [20.12pm]

GUESS WHAT [20.12pm]

Meow Kitty

It better not be that interesting, otherwise I will be jealous [20.12pm]

I love my boy being always online when I need him. I can see him getting killed on one of his games to text me quickly.

Tetsuuu.

Sorry for that but [20.12pm]

Atsumu Miya is back [20.13pm]

And he is coming to us [20.13pm]

BokuAka exploding soon [20.13pm]

Meow Kitty

WAIT WHAT [20.13pm]

For once I’m not there, I can’t believe it!!! [20.13pm]

He says something else, but I’m locking down my phone to pay attention to their reunion. Of course, I expect the biggest performance from mister Miya. My friends, on the other hand, are doing their best to stay calm.

“Look what we have in here!”, Atsumu says, both arms in the air. “My fav couple”.

“Weren’t you gone?”, Bokuto says.

That was fast. Tetsuro, please, don’t laugh. It doesn’t matter that Miya is frowning quite shocked of the honesty received. You are stronger than that!

“Well, yes, but there is always time to study a bit more, isn’t it?”, he tells. “Knowledge does not take up space, they say!”. Then his eyes move to Akaashi. The whole computation of his face turns into something more perverse. “Talking about empty and used space, how is my favorite artist?”.

I’m fast at grabbing Bokuto. Damn, this boy is clever. I thought he would be making fun of Bokuto, since he was the one that ruined their good relationship back then. But, no, he went against Akaashi… because that’s the easiest way to provoke the genius.

I guess he will always be a step ahead of us in that. He knows he was used, and he uses that back against them. Clever. Very clever.

“I’m fine, thanks. How’s your brother?”, Akaashi adds.

Damn it. Kenma, you are gonna lose your mind once I tell you about this.

“Oh, you know, he’s doing fine. Not as good as me, though, but…”

“So happy to hear”. Akaashi ignores whichever conversation Atsumu is trying to bring out by walking by and crashing his shoulder against the other guy’s. Bokuto is quick at following him… and so is the blonde they are trying to leave behind.

“Why so fast?”. They both turn around. I’m still a few steps aside, being a mere spectator to this Hollywood movie. “It’s been a while, don’t you fancy catching up?”.

Wait, is he really…?

“Did a blocker hit you in the head with a ball or something?”. Bokuto is about to lose his mind. Even Akaashi notices it, and grabs him by the wrist to stop the upcoming fight.

Atusmu enjoys it. It’s quite obvious, since he is about to smile.

“Oh, wow, I was just trying to be nice”.

“Try to be nice with someone else, my dude”, I tell him softly after palming his shoulder. It was my time to intervene, in behalf of my two friends. “Otherwise, your stay in HQ University won’t be enough to get you PhD”. It’s not a threat, just a warning.

He knows I’m right, and that’s why he decides to go back to his crew with a noisy sigh. I still check on him not turning back. Once I make sure he won’t provoke any longer, I look for my friends and go after them.

I catch up pretty fast.

“You shouldn’t act as if he owed you his life, guys”, I remind them. “Be wiser”.

“I hate him”, Akaashi says. “I thought we would never see him again. Why is he such a dumbass? Why does he think so much of himself?”. Over his shoulder, he tries to find him again. I guess he succeeds, because he groans. “Why is he so hot?”.

“You are hotter”, Bokuto says.

And since none of us has forgotten what happened between them and Atsumu, I have to hold my breath to not laugh at how challenging Akaashi’s eyes look like right now. His man stays quiet and, little by little, his skin turns paler. Damn, I’m about to lose my bestie to regret. When he gulps, I know he is fucked.

“Dare to repeat?”, Akaashi mutters in anger. Bokuto learned his lesson and just shakes his head. My black haired friend smiles, a psychopath smirk, not gentle at all.  “Good”.

“I think I’m gonna walk around, guys”, I decide before one starts fighting and the other gets on his knees to beg for forgiveness. “Text you if I find them”.

They don’t even care if I leave, because they are way too focused on each other to notice I’m leaving. That gives me freedom, so I don’t complain. Now, I don’t have an easy job ahead. Since Akaashi won’t be around once I find Tsukishima, I can do whatever I want… somehow. And what do I wanna do, exactly? Well, that’s an excellent question.

Let’s start by saying I’m surprised I even wanna do anything at all. When I approached the guy that day at the volley court, all I thought that would happen was him being confused and going away pretty fast. The truth is, his attitude was not what I expected. Even if I knew he was not an easy guy, I wasn’t prepared for his confidence. Not that I think he loves himself or something. It’s just that, to reject people, he is quite sure of his intentions.

And that… Damn, I’m so not used to that. 

I only thought he would be stunned, and that would give show me an easy path to reach to him so I could get an invitation to his birthday party. For Akaashi, I mean, not for me. The truth is, I got nothing at all. Just inquisitive looks, ugly responses and a fierce need of having the last word I normally don’t see in people around me. I know my strengths and weakness. My friends don’t allow me to get close to people that can overdo me in flirting… and meeting someone that not only could but that also is clearly unamused about me… Jeez, I can’t just move on that easily. 

I liked to provoke him, even if it was such a stupid move just to prove Akaashi right. I liked to be rejected, just because of how he did so. And that means I need to check if it was just beginners luck, and of course, it said luck was on my or his side.

But so far, it’s been like fifteen minutes and I have not seen him anywhere. I suppose he’s still around, right? Akaashi said that he hates partying pretty much, so the option of him leaving soon is over the table… but I refuse to think he has gone already. Come on, it’s half past eight, the party is not even at his highest point.

I need some guidance from above to know I can’t lose faith already.

“Are you lost, pretty boy?”, I hear over my shoulder. Before an arm gets to hang on me from my right side and a head leans onto my left one, I already know who this is.

I don’t complain; it’s been over three months, but I’m glad some familiar faces are still around this university for a little longer.

“Are you willing to guide me, doll?”. I turn my face just enough to look straight up at his chocolate eyes. After no more than three seconds in silence, we both share a noisy laugh. He palms my back before moving away. Face to face, we hug. “What’s app, Toru? Happy to see you here”.

“Same, Tetsuro”.

He hasn’t changed a thing during summer. His brown hair is still all messy but brushed at the same time. Slim but fit, I guess he hasn’t stopped playing volley. The turquoise polo shirt he is wearing, and his navy trousers play a weird mix that, unironically, suit him like a glove.

If Toru Oikawa and Keiji Akaashi would duel in a contest to see who is the most handsome man in this university, it would be a tough fight. 

“I didn’t expect to see you around”, he confesses. “You have never been a party boy”.

“I came with Aka and Bokuto”. His eyes shine in joy. “They are somewhere else”.

“Damn it, I would have love to see them”. Oh, I totally know he would. “Not that you are not enough yourself”. He palms my right pec. That brings a smile to my face. “How is Kenma? Other than rocking the videogames”. I think he is one of the few people we get along with somehow that knows what my boy does for a living. 

“He is just fine, busy at home, making us rich”. Oikawa laughs because he’s aware I’m right. “What about Iwa? Is he still around?”. 

That’s his boyfriend. Which, now that I think of him, it’s quite weird he is not here. I may have answered myself unintentionally. 

“Tonight? Yes. But his no longer a student here. He is already working”. My gaze narrows a bit as I try to remember what the good old Iwaizumi wanted to be in life. “Sports trainer. Volley, to be more specific”. 

“Oh sure. How could I forget”. Shame on me. “Anyway, Toru, I’m happy to see you”. I look for his hand to shake it closely. “Not that I wouldn’t love to catch up a bit longer with you, but I’m trying to find someone, and it’s getting tedious”.

“Need a hand?”, he offers me. I’m about to say no when I remember I’m talking to Toru Oikawa. 

Atsumu Miya is a star in this university because everybody knows him one way or another. This man, on the other hand, is one simply because everyone wishes they would know him as much as some of us do. But both are equal at something: no one is save from them in this place, for good or bad.

“Actually…” I glance around before talking. “I’m looking for a guy, friends with Akaashi. They study together, but he is not in Arts. I guess History, but I’m not sure”. I’m trying to reach out to someone I know nothing about, yes. “Blond, tall as fuck. Hard to approach. He’s called—”.

“Kei Tsukishima, yes”. 

Toru Oikawa, ladies and gentlemen.

“That was fast, man”.

“Don’t flatter me”, he says, even though he is loving himself right now. “I come to know him, so that was easy”.

Wait, what?

“Wait, what?”, I repeat out loud. “You know him?”.

“Sure. He is friends with Tobio”. And Tobio is Shoyo’s boyfriend.

Oh, well, now I get it.

That’s another topic I’m not gonna dig in tonight.

“Tough guy indeed”, he agrees. That doesn’t encourage me at all. 

“Have you seen him?”.

“Sadly not”. I totally know he is not talking about Tsukishima, but who is around him. “But none of his group like crowded places as much as we do, Tetsuro. Don’t look for him near those areas”.

“Fair point”. Actually, I didn’t think of it. “See you around soon?”.

“I hope so”. He is quite sincere when saying that. The wink of his eye proves that too. “Say hi to Keiji and Kotaro, please”. His hand shakes my back again as he leaves my sight.

Oh, trust me Toru, I totally will send them your kind regards . 

***

My dear friend was right when telling me to avoid hordes of close-to-be drunk people. Not only I’ve managed to dodge some people I don’t plan to meet tonight, but also I’ve found Tsukishima pretty fast this way. The bad thing now is that I have to wait till he gets alone. He is surrounded by his friends, from which I know Tobio and, of course, Shoyo. There is another guy and a girl with them, quite talkative compared to the rest. Only the ginger member of the group is excited enough to speak as fast as they do. 

Tsukishima, though… I think he is just waiting for the exact moment to leave this place.

I’m texting Bokuto and Akaashi about it still when I look up and lose my shit because, surprise, he not there anymore. Wait, it can’t be. Where the fuck did he go in five seconds? I search around for him as fast as possible, because his group is still talking in the same damn spot. But, where did Tsukishima go?

Okay, don’t panic, I find him pretty quick. It helps that he is that tall, because not even crowded places can cover him up when he tries to walk. He is walking towards the booths area. The good thing about this being a university party is that they sell alcohol, since most of us are supposed to be in drinking age already. Therefore, I follow him to the main road that leads to the portable bars. I need to catch up before he gets there. Otherwise, there is no way  I’m gonna start talking to him in front of others.

I prefer to get paid before performing on a stage.

Seeing he stops by a map signal between three roads is of great help. People still comes and go, but no one is paying attention to him nor to me when I get to his back. Damn, I remembered he was tall, but I forgot how much. He is even more than me, which is unusual. Compared to Kenma, they are quite the opposite.

I confess I like the idea of that.

“Are you lost, pretty boy?”, I quote Toru simply because I know he would be proud of me. On the other hand, I guess Akaashi would kill me, but he’s nowhere to be found around us to complain.

Tsukishima, on the other hand…

He turns around slowly, as if my voice was enough of a proof to know he regrets being here on his own. When he faces me, I’m sure he wishes to be anywhere but here.

Oh, come on. He can’t hate me that much, can he?

“Are you fucking kidding me?”, he asks.

“Actually, yes”, I say, bringing myself closer. “I’m not a guide, so I’m afraid I may not know how to lead you anywhere in here”.

“As far as you know how to get far from me, that will work”.

And just like that, he starts walking towards one of the paths. I’m left behind with a confused expression. I need a few seconds till I come back to Earth and follow him around.

“You know? That’s quite rude”, I tell him. I’m not offended, not at all, but I like to tease. “I only wanted to give you a hand. Isn’t my help welcome here?”.

“I don’t need your help”.

“Then, there is no need of pushing me away, right? I can simply go with you because we are two souls leading to the same place on the night”. He stops walking by and turns towards me again. My smile is driving him crazy, but not in a charming way. Still, I’m fascinated by his frowning expression. No blush on his cheeks, no shyness in his voice… Never before I’ve been faced with so much disinterest. “I would say destiny wanted us to meet tonight”.

“Sure”, he mocks me. “Was destiny looking for me, or was it a magical encounter guide by little fairies?”. 

“Ah, it was totally looking for you everywhere”, I confess, to what he nods. “You are good at hiding”.

“And yet, here you are”. His wide smile is not sincere. “I need to practice a bit more”.

“I know how to avoid being seen”. He starts walking, and I do the same, right at his back. I prefer so than going next to him. The view is… fascinating from here. I didn’t lie in our first encounter; he has a nice ass. “You know, for when privacy is needed”.

“I like to be in public, thank you”.

“I can do that too”.

He hates my confidence. I think that’s why he stops walking to face me. I use that desire of his to finally catch up with him, but I also stop walking by. From this close, I can understand why Akaashi has been pretty obsessed with him. His golden eyes, his blond messy hair… He has a sharped face, thin lips but glossy. I like his neck, too. People tend to ignore that part of the body, but I really enjoy analyzing people’s shoulders and throats.

I like to picture all my kinks pretty fast.

“Are you even serious?”, he asks me. 

His Adam’s apple moves up and down as he speaks. Okay, that was enough imagination for tonight. Let’s focus up again, so I don’t lose my mind.

“Do you want me to be?”.

“No”. His response comes out quite quickly. “I want you to go away”.

“Yeah, I’m not doing that”.

For a second, I think he gets closer to me. Maybe he does, but just because he can’t believe I’m being that serious, even if I don’t stop smiling.

“What did Akaashi tell you to do this time?”, he says.

“Oh, so you still think this is all Aka’s doing”.

“To be honest, I thought it at first, but then I guessed it was all your doing, because I can’t see himself being so stupid”. Clever guy. Not for thinking I am, though. This is clearly all planned. “You got invited here. It’s not my fault you guys haven’t texted me to meet. I was willing to let you join us, and I expected them looking for me.  But here you are again, all alone. There must be something I’m missing”.

“Quite a lot, actually”, I say. “But this has nothing to do with him. I did this so you could invite us to your party, which ended up being a university party”. His left brow rises up and so does the corner of his lips. That arrogance… okay, Tetsuro, focus. “But, here we are. And while they are on their own crying because you made fun of them, I came after you to prove a point”

“Which is?”.

Arrogance moves to my side now.

“I can make you regret not inviting us properly”. He is surprised by my statement. So much, he doesn’t try to step back when I get closer. “Especially me”. 

I’m not expressing myself as I did the other day. Also, my attitude is more confident today. No, I don’t have a guide of flirting or successful sentences to use to get people’s attention. But I know how little changes can do a lot of results for me. The first one is this: Tsukishima is not going away. He is way too intrigued to run.

“How is that?”, he asks.

“Well. It’s been over a week since our first encounter. Which is sad, considering we know each other for so long”.

“Yeah. I’ve never liked you a lot, you know?”. He is not lying. “So far, you are not proving me wrong on that”.

Those words work as an adrenaline rush for me.

My trick doesn’t lay on knowing what to say from the start, but being ready to reply to their own words at the exact time and moment.

“So far”, I quote, “I can picture many ways in which I can change your mind”.

He is someone pretty confident when it comes to talking with people. I don’t know his surroundings, but Shoyo and Tobio, for example, are not the most skilled when it comes to interactions like this one. He may have fun with them, leading all the conversations as he wants. Maybe even Akaashi falls on his trap from time to time.

Now, though, he is facing someone worse than him. And… he doesn’t like it as much as I can see he is fascinated by it. Which he also hates.

“So this is serious?”, he asks me. “Are you really hitting on me?”.

“Would it be so bad?”.

“It would be strange”. I don’t blame him. “If this has nothing to do with Akaashi, then I don’t understand why are you so interested in me after, as you say, so many years ignoring each other”.

“Well, let’s say I wasn’t looking in the right direction”. I’m the one that starts walking now. As expected, he follows me because curiosity is too strong for him to quit. “Yes, I was fooling you the other day. I got the exact response I hoped for: you inviting my friends to your party. But the manners were a surprise”. I like to go backwards, just so I don’t miss a thing. “I never face people like you when trying to flirt, real or not”.

“People like me?”, he quotes. “You mean people who don’t give a fuck about you?”.

“People who think that can fight me”, I say. He is the one getting close now, simply because he is still walking… till he gets to my position. “I can turn those zero fucks into many, Tsukki”. I smile openly. “Literally”.

“Don’t call me Tsukki”, he says. “Only my friends do so”.

“And how are you called by people that want to rail you?”. 

I see the exact moment in which he stops breathing. Oh, man, I love this.

“Excuse me?”.

“I don’t like that name. Don’t you have a shorter version of it?”. 

To be honest, his shock is more than comprehensible. I’m also surprised, simply because I forgot how much I enjoyed his attitude towards my flirting attempt. When I came looking for him, all I wanted was to test him a bit more. Check how far I can get with him, if I continue teasing him. Getting him rail… turning a non-existent desire of fucking with me on to a total obsession of doing so. Damn it, I don’t even know how old he is, actually. Which reminds me, today is his birthday.

So far, I’m the one taking the gift with me tonight.

“What the fuck do you want from me?”, he asks me.

He is one second away from looking for hidden cameras around us.

“I want a proper chance”, I say, as serious as I can be. Then, I start walking again, now close to the booth road full of people buying drinks. I’m glad he follows me there. From now on, I decide to not look at him directly in the eye. “First of all, I want you to give me a name to call you by”.

If he does so, that means he is willing to hear me talking a bit more. I guess he is quiet now because he came to that conclusion too. Just as I said, the most clever thing to do is not to give the best answer, but to use the best one given to you to make the perfect question.

“I’m Tsukishima”, he says. 

And even if he may think that’s a harsh reply to give, only a surname while everyone else gets to call him other things, he is offering way too much to me. A rope to grab, a light mark on the road to use as path. When I stop in front of a booth, I look for him over my shoulder and I find his intrigued look… and a soft blush.

Damn it. He is too beautiful.

“Nice, Tsukishima”. I can do that if he’s pleased. “I don’t know you pretty well, but so far, what I got to know is fascinating. Akaashi doesn’t like to have many close friends and, still, he considers you one. Even though you clearly make it hard for him to catch up with you”. I’m staring at the drinks offerings on the banners at the booth, waiting for my turn. “That means there is something in you that is different from others. I don’t know what’s that he likes from you, but I totally know what I do like”. He has learned his lesson, so there is no response from his side. He doesn’t want to risk a new move from me. Still, he knows it’s coming anyway. I confirm so when I look for him once more, and I see his golden eyes stuck on me as I let time pass by. “I like people that refuse to admit they like me”.

“I don’t like you”, he quickly fights me.

I turn my face to the booth and smile.

“Not yet”. 

Once again, his silence is a great answer. The fact that he can’t push a word of out his chest to deny so is insane. He must be going crazy right now… and I love it.

“You want a Margarita? I pay. Birthday present”, I ask him. Biting his lip as he is when I look for him, I will accept his anger as a yes. I order two drinks, and wait for the woman to prepare it for us. Then I pay, and move back to Tsukishima… but I still keep both drinks. “It pisses me off when people judge other people based on stigmas or wrong ideas. You said you didn’t like me, and I always knew it, but it’s unfair you say so without knowing me first”.

“Not everyone can be friends, Kuroo”.

“Fair point, but you don’t know enough of me to make that decision”. I know what he is about to say. “ Enough is enough ”, or some shit like that. Still, I bring a glass up and stop him from going any further. “If that would be the case, why are you still here?”. He stays quiet as we stare at each other. “Why are you so intrigued?”.

If he told me to go somewhere private to make out, I would totally accept.

That’s not surprising. I know.

The thing is, I’m one hundred percent sure that he would hesitate if it would be me asking. He totally would reject me, it’s way too soon. But from one meeting to another, things have already changed. I have, to start with. I’m showing myself I as am to him, not clumsy flirting nor stupid behavior. And that shocks him. That intrigues him because I’m being honest. I’m showing a proper interest on him… and that’s what he didn’t expect.

If I asked him out right now, he would say no, but not as fast as a week ago.

Next time, I will make sure the rejection takes even longer. Till one day, he won’t be able to give me one.

I know when to step back; as he says, not everyone can be friends, and that works for every other relationship too. That’s why I’m still here. Because after finding out I’m interested in him, I can’t but celebrate he hates himself for being interested in me.

I finally offer him his Margarita. He takes it pretty fast, but gives no sip to it.

“I wanna know you better, and I want you to know me too”, I say. “And you better expect me trying”.

“I need two”. Just like that, he says out of nowhere. We could say his confidence is back, but there is a strange aura of madness behind his eyes that is still fighting inside of him. I wonder what causes it, but I’m afraid I won’t get to discover it tonight.

Maybe that’s what annoys him. That he also want to prove me wrong today, but he knows it’s not the time.

“Two what?”, I say.

“Two Margaritas”. His golden eyes look for my glass. So he wants to use the drinks I bought for us for someone else? Okay, I can play with that.

“ Not in a relationship ”, Akaashi told me. “ It’s a strange situation ”. 

“Sure”, I add. “A boyfriend?”. Once more, tricky questions are more useful than wise answers. He’s starting to know that, too. My game is not hard to follow, but it’s also not easy to play with. I can see his rage, the disappointment at himself as he let silence invade us on a conversation in which, normally, he would totally avoid being quiet.

He proved to me our first time talking. On second round, I’m already winning.

“No”, he confirms many things with that. “A friend”.

I smile as I nod. Then, I take a sip from my Margarita before I hand it to him.

“Good, Tsukishima. Happy birthday to you”. I get closer to his profile and reach to his ear to whisper. Before I leave, I want to remind him I will be back. “I wonder which glass will you give him, then”. 

I wonder which one will he keep.

Chapter Text

TSUKISHIMA

I guess everyone had high expectations for Friday night. Thankfully, I managed to get over with it pretty fast. I had no big interests on it to start with, but once I crashed into Tetsuro Kuroo on my way for some drinks, my wish of disappearing became stronger than ever. Of course, I was going to do anything to get out of that place.

Even if I sadly couldn’t do so as soon as I wanted.

Due to Kuroo’s words —a few of them at least—, I decided to text Akaashi and tell him where we were so we could meet for a short while. Yes, I felt bad after inviting him like that, because even though he never messaged me to check on times or place to see each other, it was still my birthday. I was the one that invited them, so it was my duty to make that encounter happen. If it took me so long to do so after going back to the group… it was because I feared Kuroo would come with him and Bokuto.

And I had enough of that Casanova wannabe for a while.

Thankfully, the couple came all alone. I didn’t ask about their friend, just in case they offered me to call him or something. And, to be fair, I had enough with the two of them. I like them, that doesn’t change, but it was the first time we met on a context like that one, and I felt like a silly kid too obsessed looking at what grown-ups do on their free time.

They were just… too much. Too perfect, too beautiful. Too caring, and also way too happy to be around me. Even if it was my party, I expected them to talk with everyone else just as much. Sadly for me, Tobio, Hitoka and Shoyo were moving on their own, and only Tadashi stayed with me while the couple was with us. Which, obviously, didn’t help at all.

At least Akaashi didn’t ask weird questions. Since he is always too forwardly when bringing topics to the table, I was scared he would interrogate us about our relationship. Same with Bokuto, who never stayed quiet and always seemed way too close to bring that up. But none of them did, and I managed to enjoy their company. 

At least if we leave the jealousy aside.

I’m afraid Tadashi did the exact same.

“Was it fun?”, I asked him on our way to Karasuno. We left as early as possible, right when Akaashi said he was being called by a friend to meet up. It was the perfect time to part ways, and Tadashi joined me.

“Yes”, he said, then. “They are nice, really nice”. 

“Akaashi is very fond of you”, I told him, which surprised him. “Like, every time I talk him about you, he says you are nice. He wanted to go out with me, but I’m sure he wanted to meet you too”.

“You tell him about me?”. 

I felt quite stupid then. As if something so obvious was still a reason for me to blush. I tried my best to make it casual, and nodded without saying a word.

A shy look at him while we walked confirmed me that was enough of a reason for Tadashi to smile. Ah, damn it. Why something that is clearly so nice makes me feel so bad?

“Actually, I’m glad we met with them”, he added then. “It’s obvious Akaashi wanted to be with you. He likes you quite a lot”. I sighed a short laugh to that.

“Well, he has a boyfriend, you know?”. Tadashi laughed openly. “He can’t like me that much. Not if his partner is no other than Bokuto”.

“Yeah, I mean, he is…”. His chest inflated with doubts, and no clear answer came out once he exhaled. “Hard to describe”.

“You liked him, didn’t you?”. My question was innocent, but I feared a bad reaction at first. Thankfully, all Tadashi did was turning into a freckled tomato that forgot how to walk.

“Not at all!”, he lied. “Like, I mean, he is hot and everything. But so is Akaashi”. No lies detected there. “Both make a great couple, but they are so different from each other…”.

“It’s okay, you know?”. Since we were in good terms, I decided to joke a bit longer. Plus, we were already at Karasuno’s building. “You can like him. We are not together, so, it’s not that I’m going to get jealous”.

Since he stopped talking, I assumed I messed up by saying so. I didn’t want to look back on our way to the room, but I did so before reaching our door because I refused to get myself locked in there with him being mad. Surprisingly, what I found was a naughty look staring back at me.

“You tell me?”, he pointed out. “There was a moment in which I thought you were gonna jump into Akaashi. And another one in which I caught you starting at Bokuto’s waist”.

“Wait, what?”. That was shocking.

I didn’t deny a word because, sadly for me, I’m obviously way too obsessed with how good-looking my friend is, and how incredibly hot his boyfriend is too. I’ve noted Bokuto’s narrow waist or big thighs before, as much as I consider Akaashi’s eyes could get anyone on their knees, no matter what came from his mouth. Still, I didn’t expect my thoughts to be so obvious.

Not for Tadashi to notice, at least.

“I don’t blame you”, he told me. “At some point I accepted it was all because of the Margaritas you brought; for a long while I thought they were also into you”.

That would have been fun. I think Bokuto didn’t free his man from under his arm for the whole time we were together. Plus, my friend had no intentions of moving away, glued to his boyfriend’s chest as they were made for each other. With how obsessed have they been with meeting with me, and how weird they both are, I could totally buy that theory. Not because I think I’m attractive or something, but because they could be the kind of people that would surprise you with a taste like that. But they are the perfect couple; I could get myself on fire just to defend they have no eyes for anyone other than each other.

“Let’s blame alcohol, then”, I decided to say.

“But, just out of curiosity”, he started to say. I was still under the door frame, while he was already taking away his shirt, giving me a reason to ignore anything else. Even the redness of his cheeks. The tiny ponytail he wore that night was already almost gone.  “Would you get jealous then?”, he asked. “If we were actually together, and I would have said yes to feeling attracted to Bokuto. Would you have…?”.

He didn’t end up the question, but I had enough with what he said.

“No”, I answered, way too fast for how blurry my thoughts were then. “If we were together, I wouldn’t expect you to stop liking others because of me”.

He nodded in acceptance. Whatever he thought afterward, I still don’t know. Because I highly doubt it had anything to do with what he ended up saying once he came close to me.

“Well, then thank God we are not together”, he muttered. “It would have been hard for me to explain to you why my eyes can only find you even when we are not a couple”. My heart stopped for what seemed a long minute, then. His warm gaze run over me till it got frozen at mine. “I wouldn’t know how to explain that, even with people like Bokuto and Akaashi with us, if I managed to catch you staring so much at them was because I was only staring at you”.

My right arm started to shake. The left one, for some reason, decided to turn my hand into a fist to keep control. I obviously didn’t answer then, what could I say to that? A part of me felt bad for not having a proper response. Even though of how I feel about Tadashi, no matter what, I still fall for people like Akaashi or Bokuto if they are around, and I don’t think that’s bad. Instead, I tried to convince me he was more to blame than me. Just because saying something like that made me feel like I was being unfair… and because, actually, he wasn’t being completely honest either.

A soft lie that, instead of hurting me, helped me get through that uncomfortable moment.

“You sure?”, I said. “A few seconds ago you told me how they were into me”. Tadashi’s mouth tried to hide a smile then. “I’m afraid you stared way too long at them to see that, too”.

He brought his face down to cover his smirk. Automatically, I let one out.

“That may be the Margarita’s fault again”, he joked. “Which, by the way, thanks for the drink. I will get yours next time”.

The truth is, I never paid for those drinks. But I managed to leave Kuroo out of my thoughts for the whole night till that exact moment, and I didn’t want to ruin it. Sadly for me, I ignored the topic when Tadashi first brought it up. The second mention to those Margaritas, it was impossible for me to leave it aside.

I would have liked to drink a few more on my own while I stayed up at night thinking way too much about it. That said, I would have made sure of paying myself those rounds.

***

“It’s going to be just for a few days, is it really that horrible?”. Monday classes turned out to be some practice session at the campus library. Which means, Akaashi and I got to be talking around for a while, since there was no need to stay on our own. Whispering didn’t stop my friend for nonchalant about anything else. “Can’t you live without him for just a few days?”

“It’s a whole weekend, Tsukki”, he says. “If it was in the middle of the week, it would be easier because classes take so much time away from us. And I could tell Tesso to stay with me to not feel lonely. But, a whole weekend…”.

Seems like Bokuto is going to Lightlair to some kind of conference he is forced to attend. As expected from someone so clingy as Akaashi, he is not happy about being separated from his man. He can’t go with him, which is also pissing him off since it seems like he always shows up at his seminars or whatever to listen to him. This time, not only he can’t be there supporting him, but also has to deal with a three days absence of the boy himself.

And, of course, I’m the one dealing with how sad Akaashi is due to that.

The fact that he just talked about telling Kuroo of staying with him is something I’m going to ignore. It caught me unguard, and I don’t really understand what he meant with it. Yes, they are close friends, but… Whatever. It’s better if I don’t think about that guy at all.

“I know you will survive”, I tell him as I palm his back. My hands are free while his are taking notes on a tablet from all the info we need to hoard for class. “You are strong”.

“Are you making fun of me?”.

“Just a tiny bit”.

He sighs but doesn’t look back. I don’t want him to get too depressed because of being separated of Bokuto, so I decide to not talk more about it as I bring up my phone. Normally, I don’t check on it while being in class, but it’s been buzzing for a while already. It’s obviously the group Tadashi, Shoyo, Tobio and I have. Hitoka was there too, but she went out because she says we use too many stickers. I don’t do it, but I can’t leave otherwise they decide to call me, and that’s worse.

They are talking nonsense right now, I have over fifty messages I’m not going to read.

Kei.

Please, can you summarize everything for me? [11.21am]

Asking Tadashi on our private chat is easier than reading all the texts the other two have sent. Hitoka was so real for leaving this jail.

Tadashi.

Where to lunch. Kenma is at Karasuno with them, and they tell us to go out. [11.23am]

Don’t worry, I’ve told them you are busy so you can skip [11.23am]

Kei.

You are the best, did you know? [11.24am]

His reply comes as a frog sticker with blushed cheeks and a stupid flower on his head instead of a sprout. It brings a smile to my face, but I don’t respond anymore.

Thank God he got me out of there. Worst thing is that, now that Akaashi feels way closer to me than before, I’m scared he will offer me to join them. Being invited to my birthday party broke some kind of distance between us. He has been texting me during the weekend, and he clearly talks to me more openly now, even if he never stopped himself from being honest with me. Yes, it may just be my impression, but I’m too overwhelmed. 

For me, Akaashi is a friend, but I’ve always stared at him from afar. As if he was some kind of superior entity, maybe simply because he has things I know I will never have. The fact that he can consider me someone that close is… strange.

“Do you have any plans for today?”, he asks me once we finish talking with our teacher.

I was fearing this and, still, I didn’t come up with an excuse fast enough.

“Not really”. I try to avoid visual contact as much as I can. “Resting, I guess”.

“I envy you”, he says. “Bokuto and I have to go to get some new bedding, and I also want to buy some furniture. So, busy day ahead”.

As far as I know, they both live here still. I know, because Akaashi told me, that Bokuto got offered a flat somewhere else due to his position at the department, but they refused because it wasn’t as “private” as their room in Fukurodani. I guess living next to teachers and people like that is not ideal. But I can’t picture myself worrying that much about a frat room as they do with theirs. Yes, I’ve been living here for six years, but… I think I haven’t changed a single furnishing since I came in here. Tadashi either.

“Is it that bad?”, I ask. “You seem like the guy who loves home decor”.

“I like home decor, but Taro acts like a child when buying things”. Okay, I see the problem. “Last time we went to buy a shelf for the bathroom, he got sad because I didn’t want to buy him dinosaur soap dispensers”.

We are almost at the library gates, and I stop walking out of necessity.

“You said dinosaur dispensers?”.

I hear Akaashi sighing as he opens the doors.

“True. I forgot you are a paleontologist”. 

“Wait, how can you forget that?”. He turns back at me and stares for a while.

“Good question”.

I’m still trying to picture how a dinosaur dispenser would look like and thinking if I could find a way to get those without Tadashi noticing. Otherwise, he may assume I want more and get me himself a dozen more. Akaashi, on the other hand, is leading me to where the one to blame about this urgency is waiting. 

Bokuto calling his boy from afar is what brings me down to Earth. He is wearing his shirt, blazer and tie, just as usual when he goes to class. Seeing he is not alone… Damn it, this takes me directly to hell.

Kuroo is here, also dressed in uniform, but with a vest instead of a jacket. And as soon as I put my eyes on him, I remind myself that I decided to not tell Akaashi about what happened on Friday before I met with them. That means he doesn’t know his best friend hit on me and bought me a Margarita after clearly letting me know he would have liked more than inviting me to a drink that night.

So far, I’m glad I didn’t tell him, mostly because I still don’t know what to think of what happened. But now I came to a conclusion that could ruin many things: me not letting him know doesn’t mean Kuroo did the same thing. And if he approaching me had nothing to do with my friend to begin with… He may be unaware of what happened.

I wish I could guarantee it would stay like that.

“Hey, Tsukki!”, Bokuto greets me, hand in the air for me to hit.

I do out of desperation. Far from being ashamed or nervous, I’m quite annoyed at Kuroo being here… Because he is looking at me. So, he clearly knows what he is doing.

“Good morning, Tsukishima”, he even says to me.

“What are you doing here?”. My question comes out so direct, the couple stares at me longer than usual. Okay, I may not be the best at hiding stuff. How did I expect to keep this a secret if I’m already bringing it out?

“Just wishing you a delightful day”, Kuroo jokes. “Is that too bad?”.

“Do you really want me to answer?”. 

He bites his lip to hide a smirk while I bring my arm down; Bokuto hold me still in the air, and I didn’t even notice till now.

“Okay, what’s going on?”, Akaashi asks. He says so mostly to his best friend. “Tesso?”.

“Nothing”, he lies. “I’m being kind, isn’t that obvious?”.

They share a glance I can’t decode, but my mate is about to explode, and Kuroo seems way too calm for him to care about it. What the hell? Okay, I totally shouldn’t have reacted so impulsively, but I didn’t expect to see him.

I’m still trying to understand what is he trying to achieve. I’m not patience enough for this kind of bullshit.

“Anyway, let’s ignore whichever vibes fly in the air right now”, Bokuto offers. “We were gonna go lunch later, Tsukki, do you wanna join us?”. My fear came to reality, but it’s not Akaashi the one making it real. Since I’m still so anxious because of Kuroo, I don’t even think too much about it.

“No, thanks”, I say. My eyes are still fixed on his friend’s. “I prefer not too”.

I palm Akaashi’s back once again, making it clear I’m not giving them more chances to convince me. And since they must be quite lost due to what just happened, it helps me to get going without having to give more explanations. I wave my hand as a goodbye and then look for the closest bathroom to hide. Instead of locking myself in one of the cabinets, I run for one of the sinks to open the tap in search for water. 

I take off my glasses with so little care, they end up fulling wet. There is no many places I can go right now, because everywhere I know is occupied with people I don’t want to see. First, I can’t go for lunch at my campus cafeteria because I suppose Akaashi will take them there. Then, Karasuno is not an option either because the guys must be still around.

I pick up my glasses and some paper to clean them up on my way out. Hopefully some idea brights my mind. Maybe I can go to one of the gardens to lay under a tree and listen to some music while I make time till…

Till I die from a heartattack.

“For fuck’s sake”, I jump back after crashing with the tall presence interrupting my way. 

Since I’m not wearing my glasses, I can’t see really well. Sadly for me, Kuroo is easy to distinguish, even for a blind bat like myself. Even if it’s not clear, that strange thing I see on his face I bet is a smile. 

I prefer to stay oblivious for a little longer.

“Are you kidding me?”, I complain.

“I knew you would be here”. Of course he was looking for me.

I groan and try to pass by. My desire of not seeing him doesn’t last long enough because there is no way I can go down that many stairs without glasses. Still, I don’t reach the steps and I don’t bring my lenses up fast enough, because Kuroo overtakes me to block me.

I almost crash against him again.

“Could you stop?”, I beg as I clean the still wet crystals. My eyes narrow as I try to focus on him. Yes, he is smiling. “Honestly, this is starting to get annoying”.

“Why? I haven’t done anything yet”.

“Yet”. I point out. “Do whatever you want to do and leave”.

“Oh, okay”. For a second, I’m scared of the impulse I gave him. “So, you wanna go for lunch with me?”.

“No”. That was fast. “Starvation sounds better”. 

I try to walk by him and he blocks me again. Also, he grabs my arm when I try to bring my glasses up. It’s as if I lose my strength by being blind, because I would totally push him away or tell him to not touch me, but I’m quite frozen as he stares at me.

“Honestly, why do you hate me that much?”, he asks. “You are not giving me a chance”.

“Have you considered I have zero interest in you?”.

“I have, yes, but I've also discarded that option”.

My shoulders are so heavy, I let my breath out just so they get lighter. There is no point in getting angry at this guy, I won’t gain anything like that.

“Aren’t you gonna put your glasses on?”, he says. 

“Why so interested on that?”.

“You look better with them”. Fuck, what is that for now?. “Not that you don’t look good without them, but I like the nerd look”.

“Nerd?”. Of course. “That’s offensive. Not everyone with glasses is a nerd”.

“You are”. He is quite sure about it, which irritates me. “Aka says so, I mean. I don’t know you that well yet. But you look totally like one”.

“Because of wearing glasses?”. I put them on so I can dislike him in full HD.

“No; because nerds are the first ones to blush when they are proven wrong”. 

I would say I’m totally not blushing right now but, the truth is, being sure about something when it comes to Kuroo is quite complicated. I could confirm so on Friday night, when I felt myself burning all the time, even though I was sure I looked secure. Till I didn’t go back to the group, I didn’t notice my stoicism was fake.

So, I guess right now my cheeks have betrayed me again. 

For fuck’s sake, how can he be so confident all the time?.  

“Did you came here just to call me a nerd?”, I ask.

“No, I really wanted to invite you for lunch”. So that was serious.

“Then I’m really rejecting you once again”. I’m brave, and I palm his arm on my way down the stairs. Ignoring the fact that he is, indeed, fit, I move as fast as possible so he doesn’t follow me. It’s a stupid hope that, of course, doesn’t go anywhere.

As soon as I’m at the first floor, he is right behind me.

“I don’t like going after people”, he tells me. “It makes me feel like a stalker”.

“Then go away”. My suggestion is quite simple. “I won’t tell anyone, don’t worry”.

“I will, but could you first tell me why are you rejecting me?”. The way he pronounces those last words is quite ridiculous. As if he didn’t take me seriously. Just to end with this now and forever, I decide to stop and face him. “You don’t know me”.

“I will ask you something too”. His brows raise up in surprise. When his arms cross against his chest, I’m thankful I’m a bit taller than him so I can easily stare at his eyes and not anywhere else. “Why are you so interested in me?”. I’ve been asking this myself since Friday. “I invited you to the party. The party, also, it’s over. I really thought Akaashi had nothing to do with it. I believed you when you said so. But this makes no sense anymore”.

“I highly doubt you don’t normally flirt”, he says out of nowhere, “because it’s impossible you really still think I’m doing this because of Aka”.

“What I really think is that you make no sense”. Kuroo doesn’t understand where I’m trying to go with this. “The first time you came after me,  it was all a joke. Then, you said second time was serious. In both of them, I said no to you. Why trying a third?”.

“You never said no, actually”. What is he talking about now?. “Because I never asked you out”.

I mean, yes, he is right. But, in fact, I don’t think it was needed. Both ways were quite obvious; he bought me drinks, followed me around… And, even though of that, I went back with my group. He didn’t propose anything; I didn’t have to say no. But my posture was already against him, so that’s why there was no need of him trying.

“Okay”. I’m afraid deep explanations won’t work with him. “Then, ask me now”.

“So you can say no ?”.

“Exactly”. I mean, it’s fair, isn’t it?. “So you can move on”.

“What if I don’t?”. The short pause between his words and my blank mind not responding becomes eternal. “What if… I avoid asking till I know I will get a yes ?”.

“Then you must be willing to waste a long time, Kuroo”.

Again, I notice I messed up with my words way too late. It happened on Friday too, and it’s happening again now. The nerd that is proven wrong.

I know I’m blushing.

“So you already count on the day you won’t turn me down”. I don’t, but that’s what my words said somehow. “That’s not clever from you, Tsukishima. If you don’t want me to open the door, why showing me where you hide the key?”.

“Maybe because it’s hidden on a trap”. That makes him laugh. “Honestly, I’m flattered by your interest, really”, the truth is I’m confused, not flattered at all, “but don’t you have anyone else around to go after? This campus is full of nerds”.

“Oh, I love nerds, but I think two are already enough”.

… What did he just say?

“Two?”. This must be my most genuine question so far.

“My boyfriend is a nerd too”, he says. “A freak, a geek, better said, but…”

“You have a boyfriend?”. Okay, this is nonsense. 

Instead of replying to me, he is staring back as if the answer was obvious. Crystal clear. Noticing makes me ask myself if I did clean my glasses correctly, and if them being dirty could imply I’m turning deaf instead of blind.

“Are you flirting with me… while having a boyfriend?”.

“Why are you worried about that?”. This question can’t be real. I press against my left ear as if I really thought I can’t hear properly. “That’s my problem, not yours”.

“Okay, man, I change my words”. Now, when I touch his shoulder, I know I feel zero interest in checking how fit he is or anything else. This is way too much for me. “You can give up; the door’s key you were talking about before is gone”.

The shock of his face fits his silence perfectly. I take my way to the building gates, and I don’t expect him following me around till I hear he is calling after me. 

Is he really willing to go further with this?

“Akaashi told me you are not in a relationship”, he says. 

That was unexpected. I can’t complain about my friend giving him that information, not even about why were they talking about my status, and if that means that Akaashi knows about Kuroo coming after me. What annoys me right now is that he is making everything about me and not himself.

“So what?”, I say.

“So you shouldn’t judge people on that”. My eyes open wider. If it wasn’t because he is not smiling anymore, I would think he is taking this all but seriously. His pose, with both hands on his waist, and the look of his face, make him look like an arrogant bitch. He is so selfish, so vain… I really don’t get it. “We weren’t talking about Kenma. This was all about me trying to prove you are into me too. So, can you please…?”.

“Wait a minute”. I was willing to let him finish, just to see how far can he get, but what he just said made my heart stop beating for a second. “Kenma?”, I quote. “Who is Kenma?”.

Right now, I feel like my legs could turn into jelly. 

“My boyfriend”, he says, calmly. “The reason why you started running away from…”.

“Is Kenma a student here?”. His forehead frowns. “Your classmate, something…?”.

“No, of course not. He is a streamer, he doesn’t need to go to college”.

Oh, no. Fuck. No. No. No.

“Kenma Kozume?”. For a long second, it’s as if he didn’t remember his boyfriend’s name. I’m hopeful till he nods. I was begging for him to shake his head. “Your boyfriend is Kenma Kozume?”. There goes the nodding again. “You fucking idiot, I know Kenma!”. He frowns once again. “I’m friends with his friend Shoyo. We know each other since high school. Fuck, I know Kenma since high school too!”. His eyes wander around as if he would be trying to solve a mathematical equation. “Were you really flirting with me while being his boyfriend?”.

“Why do you care that much?”, he insists.

I swear if I don’t punch him is simply because I know I could break my fist instead of breaking his nose. I’m strong, more than what people expect. But if I get nervous, my body shakes way too much to use that strength correctly.

And his passiveness, the way he acts as if that was okay… Damn it, I want to kill him.

“I can’t believe this”, I say. “Does Akaashi know? How can he be your friend? How could anyone…?”. I inhale deeply because I’m about to lose my mind. And I’m scared of what I can do if I keep talking with him, till I notice there is something I can do that is better than just yelling. “Kenma doesn’t know”, that’s what I assume, even if he is quite petrified to say anything. “Kenma doesn’t know”.

“Why are you…?”. If he really cheats on his boyfriend, I guess he really doesn’t care what he does or where he goes. So, he may not know that Kenma is here today, at HQ University. Better said, at Karasuno fraternity.

Or maybe he does. Maybe he is just noticing the power he game me by letting me know who his boyfriend is… Because know he can come to an easy conclusion: I live with his boyfriend’s best friend. And I come to know where they both are right now.

I nod to myself, because I’m aware this is none of my business, but I refuse to let that boy think he has an honest relationship with a douchebag like this one.

“Wait”, Kuroo panics as soon as I start walking. “Wait, where are you…?”. I shake my arm as soon as he tries to grab me by the wrist. “Tsukishima, wait”. I walk even faster once I get rid of his grip. “Please, don’t do this, let me explain”.

“Too late”, I say. “We nerds are quite vengeful, I’m afraid”.

We humans don’t like to be fooled by idiot slugs like Tetsuro Kuroo.

I manage to avoid all his tries to stop or block me on my way to Karasuno. Once I’m there, I wonder if he will run away of if he will follow me in. I’m surprised he is going to be brave enough to be there when I unmask him. As soon as I go to my friend’s room, I knock at the door with so much agony the whole thing shakes.

Kuroo is still behind me, walking in circles and pulling his hair.

“Tsukishima, please”, he begs. “Don’t do this”.

“Be thankful, Kuroo”, I say. “It could be even worse”.

When Shoyo opens the door, I don’t let him say hi to me nor the guy on my back. I don’t even care about the possibility of him knowing Kuroo; I come in looking for one person, and I find it sitting on my friend’s bed. As Tadashi and I, they both have put their mattresses together. But so far, Tadashi himself is nowhere to be seen.

Tobio is, though, shocked for seeing me here.

“Yams said you weren’t coming”, he points out.

I ignore him. My eyes look for Kenma and Kenma alone.

“Could you guys go out for a second?”, I ask the couple. “I need to talk with him”.

The beginning shock lets them all quiet for a while. Even Kenma, on his phone, stares up to look for me and then for Kuroo. He is right behind me. When I turn to check, he is with both hands on his hair, and panic in his eyes. Even Shoyo is waiting at the door, so confused he can’t even tell his boyfriend to move. But they do. With no hesitation, they leave us alone.

And when Kenma brings his phone down, I know this will be fucked up.

“What’s wrong?”, he says. “And why are you both here?”. 

“Well, it wasn’t my intention to disturb you guys, but it came to my attention you are Kuroo’s boyfriend, Kenma”. I try to be gentle, but the truth is that I’m shaking.

The boy looks for his partner on my back, and then nods carefully.

“Yes”, he confirms. “We’ve been together for ten years, actually”. That hits me in the guts. “I thought you knew; he is the guy I went out with after Shoyo and I broke up”. I knew he started a new relationship with a crush he had for a longer time, but I didn’t know it was the fucking Tetsuro Kuroo. 

Truth is, I never pay attention ton Kenma, we are not friends, but… oh, shit.

This is even worse than expected.

“Then, I’m sorry for being the one to tell you this, Kenma, but your boyfriend is an ass”.

“Could you please not…?”, the fact that Kuroo tries to stop me surprises me enough to turn for a second. He bites his lip in agony, but says no more.

I go back to Kenma.

“He cheats on you, Kenma”, I say quickly. “Or at least, he tries”. The yellow eyes of the boy sitting in bed stay fixed on me. “He’s been hitting on me lately. He has tried to… go out with me, or whatever, three times already. And he would have if I wouldn’t say no”.

Kenma brings his phone down completely. Both hands hit the mattress, as they let the device fall from his fingers. As he stares at me, I wonder what is he thinking. He doesn’t look for Kuroo, not even when his eyes move around as if he would try to find an explanation. Yes, we are not friends, but it still kills me to see that. It’s not fair. It actually sucks, and I hate to be the one telling him so, because it makes me feel part of the problem.

I didn’t do anything; I didn’t know they were together. Fuck, and know I don’t know what to do or say anymore.

“Kenma, I didn’t…”, I try to start with the most obvious thing; apologizing. “Sorry, I really didn’t know you two were…”.

“Three times?”, he asks. His voice has never been quite expressive, so it takes me a while to understand what is he talking about. Since he is still wandering around, I nod. I guess he sees my move, but still doesn’t look for me when his gaze comes up. He looks directly to Kuroo. “You’ve tried to hit on him three times?”. I don’t want to turn around. I guess I should have, because once I hear Kenma again, I feel totally lost. “Man, you suck. Where did your flirting skills go?”.

Excuse me. What?

“Don’t make fun of me”, Kuroo says. “This is a tough one”.

When I finally look back, I find the supposed cheater with both arms crossed and an expression of total relaxation. It has nothing to do with the fear I saw when exposing him outside. Nothing compared to how scared he was when he saw what I was going to do. It feels as if I would be looking at someone different. Someone unknown. 

When Kenma stands up, picking up his phone again, I wonder if I explained myself correctly or not.

“It never takes you that much”, he adds. “I guess it’s true what Aka says; you are losing your talent, Kuro”. As if my words meant nothing to him, Kenma gets to Kuroo and gives him a soft kiss on his way to the desks. Then, he connects his phone to the charger and goes back to bed.

“I said no making fun of me”, he insists.

“What the fuck is going on?”, I ask to Kenma. “Did you listen what…?”.

“Yes”. But he gives no fucks. That, or there is something I’m missing. I guess so, because once Kenma looks for me, I think he notices my confusion. “Wait, so you were serious”. I nod only once. “You think Kuroo is cheating on me?”.

“He was flirting with me”. So far, I don’t know what he does out there, but I totally can talk for myself. “Trust me, Kenma. If I had said yes, he…”.

“I know, Tsukki”. The guy tells me. The sound of his voice makes him look tired, as if this topic would be nonsense to him. “And I wish you would have, because he has been quite annoying lately, saying his plan is not working out”.

“But”, I wanted to interrupt sooner, but I ended up staying quiet even longer after he ended up talking. “How can you be so calm? Why don’t you care about it?”.

I think I hear Kuroo laughing at my back, and that’s the last straw before I sense like I’ve been acting completely stupid… and that he knew I was going to be embarrassed from the start. Kenma confirms me so soon after my cheeks turn completely red in shame and anger.

“Because we are in an open relationship”, he admits then. “I know he’s been hitting on you since the first day you turned him down”.

Chapter Text

KENMA

I’ve known Tsukishima for over ten years. Much more time than the one Kuro and I have been together, even if, obviously, Kuro and I have known each other since we were kids. Still, and even though Shoyo has told me way too many things about him, or even Tobio and Tadashi, his reaction to what I’ve just told him take me by surprise.

“Didn’t you know?”, I have to ask. “Didn’t you know Kuro and I were in an open relationship?”. 

We never talk much. If we are in the same room, he barely shares a word or two with me, and they are normally goodbyes or hellos . Still, I never expected someone like him to be the kind of guy that would fight for the truth without hesitation. From all his friends, I don’t see any of them going to one half of a couple to let them know they are being cheated on. Not directly, I mean. Not before talking about it and evaluate the best possible outcome.

Looks like Kei Tsukishima didn’t give a fuck about any of that, because since he appeared in here running, with Kuro on his back, it seems like he just discovered the truth.

Of course, my boyfriend is not cheating on me. I think he makes that conclusion himself because, even though I’ve told him, he turns himself to check on Kuro as this bursts a maniac laugh. I can’t believe he literally made him believe he was indeed lying to me.

“Are you fucking serious?”, Tsukishima tells him. “What kind of perv are you?”.

“Perv?”. Kuro hugs himself while laughing. “You should have seen your face, man”. Indeed, he is as red as if he came from running a marathon. “Did you really think I would be so stupid to tell you about my boyfriend without thinking about it first?”.

“I thought you already knew my thoughts on you being stupid, Kuroo”.

He is really mad. I can’t blame him, and I also can’t stay in bed any longer. I need to get between them, otherwise I fear Tsukishima may end up giving my boyfriend a punch in the face. Wouldn’t it be deserved? Yes, but I don’t want to take care of him more than usual. Tetsuro Kuroo in sick or hurt mood is a real pain in the ass.

 “Of course I’m not cheating on Kenma”, Kuro says. “I love him, man. And even if I didn’t, I would be better than that”.

“Then, why couldn’t you just let me know?”. That’s a fair point from Tsukishima.

Sadly for him, I know why Kuro hasn’t said a word. And I guess that’s what he looks for when he stares at me, that I confirm to him we were both actually assuming the same.

“Because I thought you knew?”. His honesty is unmatched. “It’s not a secret; we’ve been together for a decade, and you both know each other for even longer”.

“It’s actually unbelievable that you haven’t coincided till now”, I admit. “Like, I’ve been here and there with Shoyo, and most of the time Kuro has come to pick me up”. I feel like Tsukishima’s head is about to explode. “Truth is, you never stay that long. Better said, you never stay at all”.

The reddish tone of his face is turning into something worse. I’m afraid he is getting madder, but I’m not sure if it’s against us or himself.

“I never pay attention to those things”, he says. Even his voice sounds angry. “I had enough with Tobio and Shoyo, and Shoyo and yourself”, he points at me. “Relationships are clearly not my thing, couldn’t you just be honest with me and tell me from the beginning?”.

I was worried he could be furious because of me, but it’s clearly all Kuro’s fault.

That I don’t care much. He can deal with his own mistakes.

“Did you really expect me to go after you and say, hey! I have an open relationship with my boyfriend whom, by the way, you know since you were teens, and I wouldn’t mind getting you off, mind to allow me ?”.

I bring my face down because I don’t wanna laugh out loud. For a second, I really think Tsukishima is about to say yes to that, as if that would have been better. Okay, he has always been way too honest, so I guess expecting that from others is key. Still, honesty has nothing to do with this. It’s true Kuro could have said something about us before going after him, but we all thought he knew. It wasn’t even a question to start with.

“At this point, I don’t know what I did expect”, he confesses, quite done with the situation. “But this wasn’t clearly on the list”.

He is close to Tobio and Shoyo’s bed. Is he gonna faint or something?

“Is it that bad?”, Kuro asks. “You were rejecting me when thinking I was single. Is me being in a relationship any worse?”. Tsukishima doesn’t answer. “Or better?”.

“It’s nothing at all”, he says. “I’m so tired of this”.

“This is actually fun”, Kuro confesses. “We were all so surprised by your behavior Bokuto said there was no other explanation other than you were rejecting me because you didn’t like that I was in an open relationship”. 

That’s a classic fear from Kotaro. Even if he actually doesn’t care what others may think, sometimes, depending on the person, it can stress him enough to come to that conclusion. Especially if that affects Aka somehow, as Tsukishima does.

“Does he really think so?”, I have to ask.

My boyfriend nods, but just the way of doing so is already calming. Doesn’t seem to be a big concern for anyone.

“He just commented on that last night. Nothing serious”. I start frowning while he keeps talking as if what he just said was fine. “Aka literally said that couldn’t be the case…”.

“You were with him last night?”, I interrupt. Kuro stays quiet and Tsukishima, next to the mattresses’ ends, look at both of us like a tennis match. “With both of them?”. My boyfriend starts to realize why am I asking that. Panic takes over him. Instead of letting it go, I get closer. “You guys met last night?!”.

“It was just a few minutes?”, he lies to me. “Don’t worry, kitty, it’s just…”

“You told me you were working!”. I never speak louder than necessary. When I do, everyone seems to be shocked. Kuro must be used to it already, but since the main reason why I do so is him messing up, he clearly doesn’t enjoy it. “Come on! Again?! I told you! I told you to let me know!”.

“You were streaming!”, he excuses himself. “And why do you always assume the same? We could have gone dinner only, you know? Our friendship is more than sex”.

I cross my arms and narrow my eyes in his direction.

“Did you, Kuro? Did you really only meet for dinner?”.

They never do. Come on, I have known them since forever. Kotaro has been my best friend almost since I started playing videogames online, and not only on my own. Him and Shoyo are the people I trust the most, I could decode them with just one look. And Akaashi is way too obvious; I know for sure they met because he offered so.

Kuro never says no to Akaashi. It doesn’t matter if I ask him to do so for once; my friend’s word matters more than anyone, it looks like.

“No”, he confesses. And I stare at the ceiling because it hurts me less than my boyfriend. Also, it doesn’t try to come closer and hug me so I forgive him. “Come on, kitty, you know we love when you are with us”. I nod, ironically. “But most times you are asleep or streaming, and I don’t wanna tell you because I know you will get anxious”.

“Anxious?”. That’s fun. “I can live without fucking for once, Kuro, but I hate when you guys hide it from me as if I was busier than you usually are”. He pouts at me and brings his forehead down to my shoulder. I’m still crossed in arms, so I avoid touching him. “As if it wasn’t enough torture to be alone all day because you all are always in here while…”

“What did you just say?”, Tsukishima, who obviously is still here, has ended up sitting on the bed and is staring at us with fright in his eyes. We both abort our mission, mine of ignoring Kuro and him from getting my love back.

“About what?”, my boyfriend asks back.

“Akaashi and Bokuto”.

For a second, I forgot this conversation started because he didn’t know what kind of relationship we both have. Or that he didn’t know we were together at all.

Just by seeing how pale he has turned after being so red all the time, I’m afraid there are still lots of things he is unaware of. 

“What about them?”, Kuro insists. I think he is not getting the point yet.

The only thing he needs to come to a conclusion is seeing Tsukishima about to faint again. That even brings him closer to him, moving away from my shoulder. Okay, I think my friends are quite a mess when trying to deal with people.

“You…? And them…?”, he mutters.

Is it too rude of me wanting to laugh as I do right now? He is about to lose his mind.

“Me and them what?”. Kuro is not being fair either.

“Oh, come on”, Tsukishima explodes. “You know what I’m trying to ask”.

“Then ask, for fuck’s sake. We are grown-ups here”. That’s also true. “Please, don’t tell me you’ve been rejecting me because you are too puritan”.

“I’m what?”. He finally stands up. “Excuse me for being lost, I’ve just discovered that two guys I know for over ten and six years are together in some kind of open relationship”. I don’t try to correct him, because it’s not that he is wrong at all, and I’m glad Kuro doesn’t try either, because I can see he wants to jump into the monologue pretty fast. “And now it looks like one of my closest friends is in another one too?”.

“Wait”. Kuro asks him to stop both with words and with hands. “Are you really telling me you didn’t know Aka and Bokuto also have an open relationship?”.

Tables have turned now, and my boyfriend is the one sitting on the bed’s edge so he can bring his head down and take a breath. I still feel like laughing, even if I don’t do so. Honestly, how can they be so stupid? It’s okay if he didn’t know about us two, I get it. But is he really telling me Akaashi never told Tsukishima about him and Bokuto?

Oh, God, so he doesn’t really know anything about us.

I understand why Kuro is so suffocated right now. Not only has he been acting unaware of where he was getting into, but also has made this guy realize many things he didn’t know.

And now I know he is wondering if he did right or wrong. If Akaashi, from all of us, hid it from his friend or he just thought it was obvious.

“I really thought you knew about them”, Kuro says. “Kenma and I… Okay, I understand. I get it was my bad, because I thought you two may have been closer than what you really are. But Aka has been talking about you for so many years. He’s been after you for so long, I honestly thought you just weren’t into that kind of things and that’s why you were also rejecting me, just like Bokuto said”.

“Dare to repeat?”. Tsukishima’s voice comes out almost as a murmur. 

We both look at his pale face, the shock behind his glasses and the longer sections of his bangs starting to get glued to his forehead due to sweat. I understood what he said; he wants Kuro to repeat… But right now I don’t know what he wants to know from everything said.

When I do, I think it’s too late to warn my boyfriend about it.

“Akaashi has been what ?”. 

“Oh, God”, I whisper. I’m scared of speaking up right now.

“ What , what?”. Kuro playing dumb is not helping either.

“Don’t be stupid”. As I said, Tsukishima wasn’t gonna buy it. “He’s been after me?”.

So he literally knew nothing about any of us. Where the fuck does this boy live? Under a rock? I knew he was way too private, but I didn’t expect that much.

I totally understand that Kuro is done with this whole situation. He exhales with exhaustion as he stands up, and even though he tries to walk around, he ends up facing Tsukishima once more. I guess he is aware of how he has been the one telling this guy everything he didn’t know. 

Akaashi may get mad at this, but the damage has already been done.

“Look”, he starts saying, “yes, Aka has been after you for years. I can’t believe you haven’t noticed. He literally asks you to go out at least twice a week”.

“Sure he does; with his boyfriend”. 

His logical thinking won’t help him.

“With whom he is in an open relationship”. The wise and clever Tsukishima needs almost ten seconds to understand. Then, panic covers his eyes as he steps back.

“So that means…?”.

“That means they both were after you, yes”. 

It’s sad none of our friends in common are here, because I bet they would never believe me if I told him how shocked Tsukishima is at the moment. I’ve never seen him like that, even though I’m not the best example at how this guy acts, because we clearly don’t know each other well.

“If this is another joke, Kuroo, I swear I will…”

“Joke?”. It’s completely understandable that he is confused. I would also think Kuro is making fun of me, if it wasn’t because I’m used to all of this since I was a teen. “If you weren’t so secretive, if you didn’t push him away all the time, you would know all of this already”.

“Are you blaming me?”, he defends himself.

Compared to how passive Kuro is acting, Tsukishima is really mad.

“I’m just pointing out your mistakes”. Which may not be the best time to do so, but who am I to intervene right now?. “Yes, he should have been clear with this, maybe he thinks he was or… He is gonna kill me for telling you about it. I guess we will figure it out anytime soon. But you can’t complain, man; if it wasn’t because I went after you the other day, you wouldn’t have invited him to your damn birthday”.

“Oh, so he was the guy you had to dazzle that other time”, I say. 

He told me about his plan, but never said the name of the guy.

As expected, they both ignore me right now.

“You can’t wait for someone to tell you about their lives if you don’t let them be part of yours. I thought that was obvious”. 

Kuro is right on that. I mean, I understand why Tsukishima is so frightened right now, but he can’t get mad at any of us for not letting him know. It’s true Akaashi has been after him for so long it’s totally ingrained in our lives. Also, he has never tried to get any further because Tsukishima always preferred to stay distant. From what I knew till today, it could have been because he wasn’t interested on those kind of relationships, as Kuro said before, or simply because he wasn’t into Akaashi at all. But the third option, the one that points out someone like him never ever realized he was getting hit on not only by one guy, but two…

Okay, them being a couple makes it hard to believe. If someone is not aware of how kind of relationship they are in, it’s obviously the last thing you may think. But they are friends. How can you be friends with someone for six years and not know who he is or what he does?

 “What did you guys really expect me to do?”, Tsukishima’s question is genuine. “You, to be more precise. Did you think I was going to say yes to you, and then join you in your… whatever you do with them? Did Aka thought I was going to go out one night with both of them and end up in their bed?”.

“I mean, I was hitting on you on my own”, Kuro clarifies. “But, sure. I mean, I really thought you knew, at least about them. That doesn’t mean they don’t wanna be friends with you, and go out for a drink and that’s all, but of course, there were more options that…”.

“Well. Then I’m sorry, but I didn’t know”. Even if he apologizes, his voice is not taking the blame. “I fucking didn’t”.

Then, a weird silence takes over our chat as we all try to digest everything said. So far, I know I’m the last one to worry about anything. And, to be honest, I don’t think they should, either. It’s a misunderstanding. Truth is, Tsukishima has to clarify some things with both the couple and Kuro, but that’s not something that could bring any problems to them… right?

I guess so, but then, why is he taking everything so badly? I look at him and so far there is no way he will relax anytime soon. I know Kuro is also trying to find something to say to chill this out, but it’s hard to find a way to start if we have no idea what he is thinking.

We are not stupid, either. If Akaashi is the one in charge of what we do or don’t do with others, it’s because both my boyfriend and Bokuto have faced bunches of idiots that still don’t understand that people can have different kinds of relationships, and love in different ways than the usual ones. Since Kuro is still silent, I’m afraid he is wondering in which group does Tsukishima falls: the ones who understand, or the ones that judge. 

“Hey”, he tries to bring his attention back. So far, the golden eyes of the paleontologist only look for him on a sideways. “Don’t be harsh with Aka; he really cares about you”. Even if Tsukishima nods, none of us take it too seriously. “Really”, he insists, “if you never noticed anything about this, it may be because he didn’t want you to know, or perhaps he accepted you weren’t interested or whatever. So, think about that before…”

“Relax, Kuroo”, he says, not even looking at him anymore. “I won’t go punch him or anything, nor I will push him away”. I can see my boyfriend’s chest inflating in relief. Yes, that was obviously his fear right now.

“But…?”. The fact that he knows there is something that he hasn’t said, proves that Kuro is ready to act.

Tsukishima’s right brow raises in a dare.

“But you fucked up”, he says. Instead of taking it as a warning, I can see my boyfriend getting all excited by it. “All possible interest I could have had in you, it flew away”.

I guess he didn’t like the joke. It’s understandable, the poor guy came here running to let me know something that wasn’t real. And all of that just because Kuro didn’t find it necessary explaining to him what was actually going on.

Still, I know my boyfriend; he likes a challenge, and Tsukishima just messed up himself by saying something as obvious as that.

“So you were interested”, Kuro quotes exactly to expose him. 

Surprisingly, Tsukishima it’s not ashamed of it. He may have done it being aware of his own words. Which leads to the next point… what is he really trying now? Damn it, thinking that much makes me too tired.

“Don’t be hopeless”, he says to Kuro. “This is totally not for me”.

He shares a glance with both of us and then heads towards the door. As he opens it to leave, both Shoyo and Tobio are close to crash into the ground. Of course, they were leaning against it, trying to get a hint of what we were all talking about. For how lost they look, I guess it was all a failure.

“Do you two idiots need anything?”, Tsukishima says.

“Yes”, Tobio answers as his old friend walks by to go away, “you to speak louder next time”. Shoyo hits him on the guts, but it changes nothing. “It’s true, we didn’t hear a thing because you guys whisper instead of talking like normal people”.

“I think it’s the first time someone tells me I’m quiet instead of loud”, Kuro says, but only I can hear him. Therefore, I share a soft smirk at him.

Yeah… Tetsuro Kuroo may not be noisy himself, but whenever he is around, silence is nowhere to be found. But these two don’t know that. Other than being aware of him being polyamorous, they have no idea of what kind of relationship he or we have with Bokuto and Akaashi, or what we do on our own.

That’s something that it’s my duty to share. So far, I don’t think they really care.

“Tadashi and Hitoka must arrive soon”, Shoyo says. “‘Want us to go bring the food?”.

“Sounds nice”. I prefer to not walk a lot, to be honest. “I will wait here”.

They both leave. Just like that, I’m thankful they don’t ask questions, even if I know for sure they will try to tease me afterward to share something. I won’t, both Kuro and Tsukishima can stop worrying, if they ever did. I must be the most boring human being alive when it comes to gossiping. Whatever the topic is, I never care. Not even when it’s about me.

That said, only the people really close to me know I can keep a secret. Now that we are alone, Kuro looks at me knowing that’s not something to care about.

“I didn’t go that badly”, he says.

“Am I wrong, or did he tell you to fuck off?”.

I walk around towards my phone. It’s only fifteen percent charged at the moment, so I let it connected a bit longer. I don’t stream today, but I really need to be active on social media, otherwise people start asking where I am. That’s the problem of not having a proper schedule. And the reason why I don’t have one is getting closer to me, hugging me from behind.

“You could cheer me up, you know?”, he whispers into my ear. “Tell me you think I have a chance. That I didn’t fuck up that much”.

“I mean, you always have a chance, but you did fuck up”. He sighs as he leans on my shoulder. He uses our height difference quite a lot to beg for love. “You shouldn’t have make fun of him. He was really… terrified”.

“But I didn’t expect that, what did you want me to do?”. Honestly, I didn’t, either. I never expected someone like Tsukishima to care that much about me. 

Unless…

“Actually, I think you are kinda right”. I walk towards the bed, and he follows me like a total limpet. We move glued. Not easy. “I bet he doesn’t even know the kind of games I play, or the last time we texted each other”. 

“Wait, you text each other?”.

“Okay, fine, maybe I don’t remember either”. Kuro’s chest against my back shake as he laughs. “What I try to say is that I don’t think he came in here running because he cared about me, you know?”.

I let myself fall in bed and it takes him a few seconds till he sits next to me.

He is thinking. Tetsuro Kuroo’s brain cells are working today for something other than science and using cleverly every hour of the day. 

“So you think…?”.

“I think he found an excuse in you cheating on me to prove himself he is not into you”.

This may be too awkward, and I accept my possible mistake, but if I was thinking not even Shoyo would act that fast to defend me against Kuro or whoever, I highly doubt Kei Tsukishima would either. But he did. And once he did, I, actually, moved to the background of the story. This had nothing to do with me, to start with. But I was the perfect excuse.

“Well. If he is, he is not showing”, he says as he uses his elbows to stay in balance on the mattress. “But I really think there is something catchy on me that he can’t ignore”.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was him from the beginning?”, I need to ask. “When you went after him the first time. I only got to know about it after he rejected you on that party”.

“Because of exactly what is happening right now”. That’s confusing. “You never told me about him. All I know about Tsukishima is thanks to Akaashi, so I really thought your opinion on him may be too different from his. And Aka gave me some kind of hope by being scared of me ruining their friendship. I thought you would burn them all down”.

I scratch my scalp as I think on what he is saying. It doesn’t make that much sense to me, but I try to understand his point of view.

“It’s because we are not friends?”, I ask. Kuro is still facing the ceiling, but he puts of out a grin of insecurity I can’t understand. “That you thought, since him and I are the only ones that don’t get really along in this group, I would tell you to let him go?”.

“Something like that, I guess”. That’s interesting. I move closer to him, and find my way to his chest so I lay against it. “At first I really didn’t care, that’s why I didn’t tell you, nothing more. But once I met him and saw how reluctant he was, he got my attention”.

“You always like the ones that ignore you at first”.

He laughs and the vibrations of his body make me giggle back.

“That’s a fair point, but… I don’t think it was that this time”. I let him talk. “I guess it was because of Aka. His interest made me feel interested too. I wanted to know what was there that I couldn’t see. What does Tsukishima have that brings so much attention to him and to Bokuto. And after I saw a few things, like his sarcasm or how creative he was to respond to me even when I was clearly not taking it serious, I came to a conclusion: you weren’t friends. I knew it already, but I never really cared. Once I decided I wanted to know more of him, it made me nervous to know why you weren’t actual friends at all”.

“It’s nothing, you know?”, I need to clarify. “He is a good guy, I like him. It’s just…”.

“I know. But since Aka also never managed to get a lot out of him, I didn’t want to be after some kind of idiot. I didn’t want to listen he was an ass, and having to tell Aka he should move on”.

“If that was the case, I would have told him myself, don’t you think?”.

He sighs. Whatever it is, he doesn’t really care anymore. Therefore, he lays down against my friend’s bed and, since his left arm is wrapping me already, I go down with him.

“Yeah”. I know the chat with Tsukishima didn’t go as planned, but I can already sense he feels lighter after pulling all of that off already. “But, you know, it’s the first time in a long while I put my eyes into someone that some of you already know. He’s not a random dude. Whatever happens may and will totally affect you and Aka”.

I get our friend would pay for it even more, since Tsukishima and I are not that close, but I know why he says that; I don’t really think he would talk to me again if him and Kuro end up beating each other up or something. And that may affect Tadashi’s situation too, and Shoyo or the rest.

Yes, I understand his worries. Some may think this is a man that doesn’t really care about anyone’s feelings other than his own ones, but I’m glad I know him that well. 

I guess it’s easy to say that’s one of the reasons why I’m in love with him.

“You can go on, then”, I say, hugging him like a cat. My upper leg wraps his body. “But, please, be aware he has some kind of thing going on with another of my friends. They both say are single, but…”.

“I know, kitty. Aka told me”. Good. To be fair, I think that’s the biggest problem here, and not if Tsukishima is or is not into him. Honestly, right now I think that guy has way too many open fronts to think about one in particular. “But I’m glad you give me your approval”. His fingers start running over my spine, and I tremble. “You know that matters to me”. 

“You say so because you ignored me with the last ones and you ended up having a horrible ex boyfriend?”. He can laugh as much as he can, but he knows I’m right.

“Actually, I was talking about your taste. But, yeah, your eye is good too”.

“Tsukishima is way better than that idiot”. Anyone is, to be honest. “But they will make the same mistake, I’m afraid”. That brings his attention to me, not the ceiling. “He will also fall for you”. I know he smiles even if I don’t look for the smirk. “No one can resist you”.

I’m totally making fun of him, even if I’m being honest. Still, that’s enough of a excuse for him to get on his side and face me. The further arm from me finds me halfway then, and his right arm gets under my black hoodie, first with a soft touch on my waist and then with a small scratch. That opens my eyes.

He is too powerful; he managed to do all of that in just three seconds.

“No one?”, he says. “You sometimes act as if you were immune to me”.

I frown and bring my lips up, close to my nose.

“That’s because I like you when you beg”. I make the huge mistake of bringing my eyes down for a short second, and I catch his lower lip being abruptly bitten by his stupid smile. 

Immune, he said. Jokes on you, I’m the weakest of them all.

“Do you want me to beg now, kitty?”. His voice has turned deeper.

Not that it was necessary, but it clearly affects me more. Just as, his right hand grabs my waist completely to pull me closer. I hold my breath so he doesn’t sense my exhalation trembling. I really can’t believe he manages to get me every time.

“No”, I say. “Not in Shoyo’s room”.

As if he cared a shit about him being here o not. Since he doesn’t, he brings his face close to me and starts kissing me all over my jawline, on his way to my neck. His left arm, the one I’m leaning onto, moves enough for his hand to act freely. He removes my hair from my face, gaining space to kiss.

I have closed my eyes, but I don’t remember when.

“Sure?”, he provokes me. “He will be gone for a while still”. That’s true… Plus, he doesn’t know what I want for lunch. He may know me well, but he always asks first, and my phone is not even close to me right now. Damn, I think Kuro reads my mind. “Plus is still funnier like this, isn’t it? The risk, the tension…”.

He bites my chin and I grind against his hips. Of course, he notices it. That’s why he smiles so perversely right after.

“You say it as if it was some kind of relevant security member, and not Shoyo”.

Kuro laughs. I guess he has pictured my friend as a police man or something.

“You forget he is Shoyo. Plus Tobio. They may lose their minds if they find us here”.

“Then, why so interested?”. I’m aware my voice is cracking. He is too, because the upcoming kisses go directly to my Adam’s apple.

“Because it’s only fair”, he says. “You make me lose my mind on a daily basis, it’s about time they suffer the same as I do”.

But they would never understand. Not even Shoyo, who was my boyfriend for such a short time. What he makes me feel and what I make him feel… it’s something unique. Something I know that, if Tsukishima dares to discover from Tetsuro Kuroo, will drive him as crazy as he drives me.

“If you wanna do this so I forgive you for not bring me with Aka and Kotaro…”, I try to defend myself. “You won’t be forgiven”.

“But I can still try, can’t I?”. Before I can answer, he moves to the top of my body and kiss me roughly from above. I hold my breath, now unconsciously. When I exhale, I do it with short pauses full of shaking. He takes my lower lip with him on a soft bite as we finish. My eyes open as if they would have forgotten how fascinating my boyfriend is. “I can still prove you how much I miss you every time”. His right knee gets between my legs and spreads them softly. I bend them over, giving him space. Damn it, I’m not even fighting it. “I can still remind you that none of them get what you get from me”.

“Are you talking about secrecy and lies?”. Of course, I’m exaggerating as much as I can. He doesn’t take me wrong, that’s why he smiles. That cocky smile of his that could incite wars and also win them.

“No”, he says. His tongue comes out shortly and licks my lips over. I open my mouth like a hunger idiot in the desert. “Not really”.

Now, when he kisses me again, I make sure I keep him close. Both my arms wrap him on his shoulders as I press him towards me. The weight of his body warms mine, and the mere contact of his crotch with my pubis is enough of a touch for my dick to react. My heartbeats start running all over my body. The rubbing of his erection against me has a single purpose, and I can’t say no to it when I want it that bad: I go look for his zipper, and I put it down. I do the same with his trousers, only halfway to his thighs. His cock, when I slither my hand on his boxers, I keep it covered while I stroke him to start with.

His back curves as I touch him. While I do so, he keeps kissing me and gaining space on top of me. Little by little, his hips start moving against my hand so he can jerk himself off on his own. I move his underwear a bit lower, so he does so freely. As soon as he wets my hand with precum, I look down to check his hard on. 

Just like that, I know mine is about to start leaking too.

“Okay…”, I try to say, but I end up murmuring. “You know how I always say I like you to go rough but slowly, right?”.

I think he laughs, but my eyes are shut again. Maybe he is just trying to breathe. After ten years I should know the difference, but he is so used to do both at the same time I can’t come to a conclusion. Not that I care. Right now, that’s nonsense.

“Always?”, he mocks me.

“Fuck, you know what I mean”. Yeah. I don’t always want it slow, and some other times I don’t want it rough either. But the usual thing between is works like that.

I’m not always ready to fuck. But when I am, I work as an alarm ready to get off.

“Forget it now”, I say. “Forget I like it slow”. The clock is about to hit the perfect time. “Just do me, quick. Do me as fast as possible”.

His mouth is back at mine. The kissing turns harsh and my hands let go off his cock as he brings his clothes a bit lower to get more space. I try to undress myself too. The less time we waste, the better. I’m still working on my underwear as he finds his way between my legs. I’m about to quit on the undressing and tell him to go at it already when he stops.

“Kenma”, he says, “is this a king size bed?”.

I shake my head. Why does that matter now?

“It’s just to regular ones, stuck together”.

“Stuck?”, he quotes. “Are you sure they…?”.

And just like that, the beds themselves answer to a question I didn’t get at first: we’ve been moving so much already right in the center, so we have pushed both mattresses aside, and a hole has appeared between the two beds. I almost fall to the floor, but Kuro grabs me soon enough to avoid it. Even though he almost crashes on top of me too.

On one of the beds, we get paralyzed as we expect them to keep moving. They don’t, and so that, we decide to don’t do so, either. What we actually do is laughing. He starts first, and I go afterward while my heart is still beating faster than before. 

Okay, I guess that was karma. Or Shoyo, using telekinesis to stop me from fucking in his bed. Damn it, I’m still hard and so is Kuro, why did this happen to us?

“I think it’s better if we stop”, he suggests. “I like risks, but not broken arms”.

He brings his clothes up and then does the same with mine.

“We have a king size bed, though”, I remind him. On his knees, he stares at me with a brow lifted and his chest still coming up and down. His boner being notorious still is a fact I try to ignore, for my own good.

“And what does that mean?”, he jokes.

He totally knows it.

But, just in case, I stand up to go pick up my phone, and I lean a kiss on his lips on my way there. I expected it to be short, intense but brief. Instead, I find myself caught on his softness and his warmth. He brings his right hand up so he can bring me closer for a longer one. As much as I want to, because I clearly want to, I stay away.

“Tonight”, I insist. “I will be yours tonight”.

“You are still mine now”, he provokes.

I turn my back to him and I go to finally pick up my phone. He doesn’t see my smile.

“Yeah”. He is not wrong on that. “Always”.

Chapter Text

AKAASHI

I normally enjoy Fridays more than any other day of the week. It’s the perfect balance between responsibilities and free time. Weekends are cool too, but lots of them Kotaro has to stay in the laboratory, or travel somewhere else to do a course or help with a conference.

Today I hate Fridays too.

“Sunday evening”, he tells me. We are half way my campus and half way his. Even though he is not getting into any building; he is leaving HQ University. “I will pick the first car that comes back, and we will spend Sunday night together”.

“But you will be exhausted”, I say. 

From the outside, I look nothing more than a resentful kid that is not allowed to do something he wants. My shoulders are heavy, my back is so curved I’m leaning towards the ground instead of staying still. If I don’t fall, it is simply because he is cupping my face from both sides, keeping my head up as he stares at me.

His goofy attitude is nowhere to be seen. He is serene, his bright eyes look at me with gentle intentions. And his half smile is so tender, I really wish it would be contagious.

Otherwise, I will lose my mind.

“Yeah, that’s true”. He accepts I was right. “But I will have to have dinner anyway, right?”. I nod, again like that spoiled brat that is angry for nothing. “Then, we will go somewhere fancy, and then we will go to bed so we can sleep soon and start a new week together”. That sounds promising. “It will only be two days, babe”.

“Two and a half”. Because he is leaving Friday morning.

Even if he laughs, I can’t recreate the sound. It doesn’t come out.

“I will text you”. He brings my face to his and kisses me. “I will call you, even”.

“Thanks, I guess…”. He laughs again. “I’m gonna miss you”.

I know I’m being overdramatic, but I couldn’t care less. We are so used to be together every single day, that every time we get separated, it feels like a real nightmare. Especially when it’s such a short period of time. When he has gone for a week or more, it gets better because I have too many days to get used to his absence. Not that I like it, but, still. Countdowns are horrible, and they take away my serenity.

It really feels as if we were just starting over and I would be sad for him to go to his parents instead of staying with mine.

“I’m gonna miss you too”, he says, right before another kiss.

This time, when he pulls back, he also brings his briefcase to the front and opens it. From the inside, he picks a soda can. As always, he plays with the ring-pull till he takes it off. Before drinking or anything, he looks for my left hand and places the ring on the top of my ring finger. Then, he kisses my knuckles. 

“Forever, right?”, he is not asking, but I still nod to a question there is no need to make.

It’s my turn now to kiss him, so I make it last till I know I’m robbing him way too much time. Then I grab his hand, so the distance is not that much till he finally goes away. While I look how he marches, I call myself many ugly names for acting so childish.

Still, I take away the can’s ring-pull and save it in my pocket. Then, I go class.

Two lessons for today, and a late afternoon visit to the library I can’t skip. So far, I’m glad I’m busy, just so I don’t have to think about Kotaro that much. 

As if I wouldn’t be checking my phone every other minute to see if he has texted me.

“Is he gone already?”, Kei asks me in the middle of the first class we have together. 

I nod, and then I use my laptop screen to hide my pout and sadness. I think he laughs, but I’ve closed my eyes, so, I’m not sure about it.

“I’m stupid, right?”.

“Nah”. He is so not being honest. “You are in love”.

I guess it’s that, but I prefer to assume I’m an idiot, and that’s all. So far I just need a reason to not think about him that much. This happens all the time; he goes and comes back because he is so good at his job he’s already essential for this university. Still, he is also essential for me, but it’s not that I can lower down his grades, fire him or anything.

I’m turning twenty-five this year. I better grow up already.

While our teacher talks, I lean my head on top of my laptop to rest. My eyes wander around without focusing on anything in particular. Once they get tired, the find Kei on my side. He’s paying attention, he barely spaces out when being in class, and I admire him for that. His concentration is admirable.

I wonder if it’s actually like that, or if he fakes how focused he is while actually thinking in every thing he never shares.

I guess I could ask. I’ve been willing to do so since we both met with Kotaro and Tetsuro the other day because, since then, I’m more than aware that things have changed between us. Since I counted with that happening some day, I just wish he would have open up to me instead of acting as distant as usual.

Simply because, this time, it’s not working for any of us.

“Will they make you attend any other classes on Friday?”, I ask him once we are done with the lesson. I still have one hour till my next one starts, but Kei is supposed to be free on the last day of the week.

“It’s just today”, he says. “I personally asked to come; I wanted to take notes”.

“So that’s why you were so concentrated?”. We are heading towards the indoors square of the building. Since the main library of the HQ University is here, the views are full of greens, beautiful benches and even a fountain. I direct myself to this, to sit on his marble counter.

“I’m always concentrated”. Surprisingly, he comes after me.

“On the lesson, maybe”. I let my backpack fall to the ground and I bring my head back so the fresh water splashes on my forehead. I take off my glasses so they don’t get wet, and I let them on my right. “But not on acting as if you wanted to actually talk with me”.

He was about to get a seat next to me, but I’m aware he stays where he is now. My eyes remain closed as I get refreshed by the fountain. I don’t open them till he finally comes down in complete silence. Compared to everyone around us —talking, walking or even singing—, we look as total strangers. 

It’s sad to think that, after six years, it’s not that he let me know him that much more.

“You think I’m forcing myself to talk to you?”, he asks.

Nodding takes me only two seconds. I haven’t doubted about it a single time.

“I know you are”. And he doesn’t deny so. “I’m normally the one that talks first when we are in class. Or when we see each other around. For a few days, it’s been you”. And that’s unusual coming from someone that is rather silent. “Plus, you’ve asked me about Kotaro today. You never ask me about him”.

“Didn’t you complain about me being distant?”, he says. “Maybe I’m trying to fix it”.

“No, you are not”. A smile appears on my face as I speak. This is… well, I didn’t expect him to come up with excuses, so I find it cute. “You just don’t know how to act around me, because Tetsuro told you what’s going on, and you are confused”.

I must confess, from all the options I pictured when Tesso told Kotaro and I about his conversation with Kei, this one wasn’t even on top three. I expected him to confront me somehow, or even call me that same day so I could clarify. Since he didn’t get in contact with me that time, I feared him being mad. Going class together, not seeing him around, or him moving to a seat farther from mine. I guess my thoughts were too immature for someone like him, and I should have expected better.

His failing attempt of acting just as if nothing would have happened, though, is not something I would have ever see coming from Kei.

“Is it bad?”, he asks. “Me being confused”.

“No”. I stretch my back as I bring my arms up. Sun is hitting upon us, and it feels nice. “I just thought you would come to me, that you would want answers. But I guess you are way too disgusted to look for them”.

“I’m not disgusted”. At least he brings that up. I feel relief, even if I don’t say so. I suppose it’s obvious, since I’m also quite an open book. “But I don’t understand it”.

“What, exactly?”. 

It’s the first time I decide to move my head so we can look at each other face to face. He hasn’t turned around, which is good news. He can still look me in the eye.

“Everything”.

Tetsuro told me already we were a bit mistaken when it comes to Kei. In many ways, because we are so used to ourselves being like we are, that we always expect people not only to understand, but also to know it from the beginning. It wasn’t the case, to my surprise.

“In my defense, I thought you knew”, I say. Even if he shares half a smile, it’s not really pleasant to see.

“What, exactly?”, he mocks me. 

I’m the one smiling now.

“Everything”.

He nods as he takes a deep breath. Just as I did before, he takes off his glasses and brings his head back. The fountain splashes help him a bit, or at least it looks as if they do. So far I don’t need to hurry up this conversation, so I’m glad he doesn’t go away any time soon.

“I didn’t know you two were in an open relationship, nor that Kuroo and Kenma were together”. That, to be fair, was the funniest thing from them all. If you can consider something as fun. Who doesn’t know that?. “I also didn’t know Kuroo and you two…” his hand moves in circles in the air. “And I totally didn’t know you both were into me”.

“My bad”, I joke. “Next time I ask you out, I will make sure to use the words I like you ”. His body shakes as he laughs. “I hope you understand before another six years pass by”.

“I always thought you were asking me to go out”. Fair point. “Since I didn’t know you and Bokuto met with other people, I obviously never thought you both proposing me to meet had nothing to do with, well, liking me”. 

“And I apologize for that”. 

His eyes look for mine. I sometimes forget how bright they are, since his glasses sometimes work as a cover. He is so beautiful wearing them; that’s how I picture him in my head every time. But he is just as pretty without them.

I guess me telling him something like that during the past six years would have helped to make the whole situation clearer. 

“So it’s true?”, he asks. “You guys really like me that way?”.

I’ve never been ashamed of telling people how I feel. At first, when Kotaro and I starting to meet with others, we were quite scared of being rejected or pointed out as freaks. So far, time has been on our side since then.

“Yes”, I say, openly. “But just to clarify, we don’t always offer you to go out just because of that”. One of his brows lifts. “We think you are cool and nice to talk with; taking a drink or playing volley was also an option. Actually, it was the main one, so we could get to know each other better. Especially Kotaro and you”.

“And I still said no to that”.

I guess he has some kind of guilt, and I hate that. If he didn’t know about us liking him, it’s totally fine. But feeling as if he did hurt us by not only rejecting us in that way, but also as friends… That’s been one of my fears since we met. And I hate to see it coming true.

“We are friends, Tsukki”, I remind him. “The difference between you and everyone else we can be interested in, is that I always cared about our friendship first”. He is listening to me with what looks like an open mind. I’m grateful for that. “You weren’t a random dude in a bar, or an unknown mate from college. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t that obvious, and you didn’t understand my attitude: because I didn’t want it to ruin our friendship”. He nods as he understands. “And maybe that’s why it’s been scary to see you acting so strange lately, because I totally thought it did”.

“No”. He is fast to answer. “It hasn’t, don’t worry”.

“Are you sure?”.

Best option would have been me accepting his words and moving on. Sadly, I know him. Perhaps not as much as I would love to, but enough to know he talked way too fast. Life proves me right when he takes his time before confirming his own words.

I would lie if I said I don’t panic as I wait.

“Yeah”, he says. “I am”. My eyes close as I take a deep breath of relief. “It’s just, I’m so confused… Because this is all new to me”.

“Well, it doesn’t affect you”. I try to comfort him. “It has been like that from the beginning, and you didn’t know. So, you just have to act as usual”.

For a long second, I really think he wants to speak up his mind and say something about that. Maybe ask me stuff, get some questions answered that he is not brave enough to say out loud. I could help, if I was brave myself. But as I just told him, when it comes to him, everything is different. And I really think moving on would be better for all of us.

It’s not that relevant, anyway. We are all grown-ups in here.

“I suppose, yeah”, he confirms.

Whatever is actually on his mind right now, I’m afraid I won’t get to know it.

***

Kotaro has texted me just twice. Not that I complain, nor that I will act as controller boyfriend or something. I just feel bad for him, because my poor man expected Friday to be an easy day… and so far he has told me he had to go have lunch and dinner with a group of scientists from whom the younger one other than him is at least fifty years old.

He will be free in the evening but, sadly, being a genius has his flops. 

And being the lover one is not easy, either.

“Didn’t you have to go to the library?”, Tesso asks me when he opens the door and sees me outside. I’m at his house, and I must look terrible. He has no tie on and the upper buttons from his white shirt are open, so I guess he just arrived from uni too. 

“I already did”, I mutter. “I’m done. Mind if I lay down here?”.

His eyes get framed with a tender expression. He is feeling bad for me, that’s why he makes space so I can come in, and then he gives me a hug. I let him wrap me tight, because I need some warmth and love today.

“Poor you”, he mocks me. “All lonely and brokenhearted”.

“It should have been you instead”, I complain. “Why couldn’t they ask you to go?”.

“Because I’m not as clever as Bokuto”.

“Shut it”. I was about to say so, but Kenma calls him off from the leaving room. 

I look for him as soon as I push Tesso away. To be fair, I hate when he thinks less of himself than he should, so no more love for him. My limping body moves from the entrance to the right side of the house. It’s a two floors incredible condo with a private garden, garage, basement and attic. The neighborhood is quite a rich one, that’s why there is no noise anywhere and why it took me half an hour to get here. 

Kenma gains so much money being a streamer, they can afford this and maybe two more houses if they wanted to. Once Tesso gets hired officially, their patrimony will be enviable.

I can’t believe I will be the poorest of them all. Kotaro is already making numbers, and he is not even working properly.

“Hi, Kenny”, I whimper as I bring myself to the sofa he is laying on. As I kneel on it, he spreads his legs so I can fall on top of him. I take off my glasses to avoid damage. He is playing on his Nintendo, so I don’t disturb as I just close my eyes and start listening to his heartbeats. He uses my back as a table to place his console. Then, he kisses my forehead. 

“Hi, Aky”. 

 He is playing Animal Crossing, so the soft music and sound effects from the game help me to relax. Still, nothing compares to the warmth of his body or this place. I love to be here, I wish I could come more often… and I know Tesso thinks the exact same.

He knows how clever he is, a true hard worker, but, damn it, being so good at his job makes it complicated for him to be here more often. And the same goes for Kotaro; once he starts working properly, free time will be nowhere to be seen.

“Was it hard today?”, Kenma asks me.

Before I even think of answering, Tesso is already sitting with us. He brings my legs up, and places them over his thighs. Then he massages them, and as fast as he touches me, I’m scared I will fall asleep.

“Yeah”. My voice comes out as a soft groan. “Taro’s absence doesn’t make it any better”.

“He will be back by Sunday”, Tesso reminds me. “He will be back sooner than you notice”. I pout but I really hope so. “You can stay here for the weekend, you know?”.

“Yeah”. Now I sound a bit more awake. “Taro told me to watch over you”. I hit him with my knee on the balls. It’s soft, but enough for him to jump and laugh. “He knows you will try to go to the laboratory on Sunday, and he doesn’t want you to”.

Right when he sighs, Kenma turns off his Nintendo and leaves it on the small table next to us, right where my glasses are. Also, he crosses his arms together and stares patiently at his boy. Okay, I guess he didn’t know Tetsuro’s plans. Now we are two willing to stop him.

“Come on…”, he cries out. “I have things to do”.

“Yes”, his boy says. “Rest, to start with”. I nod, somehow. My posture doesn’t really help that. “And stay here, for example”.

Tesso leans a bit on us as he tries to reach for Kenma. My eyes are closed, but I know he is smiling with that cocky grin of his. I’m weak when it comes to that, but my streamer friend is so used to it he can fight back.

“Aw, you want me to stay, kitty?”, he provokes.

“Yeah”, Kenma says. “It’s your time to do laundry”. 

I burst into laughter because that was unexpected. Even if Tetsuro slaps my ass in revenge, I know he also enjoys it when he is called out.

Damn, I’ve been here for less than ten minutes and I already feel so recharged. I decide to turn around, lay against Kenma’s chest as he hugs me. I look for his hands as soon as they cross on my chest. As expected, Tesso is still trying to recover from the punch with an arrogant smile. Love to see it.

“I feel used”, he jokes.

“It could be worse”, I add. Both look at me, even though my eyes wander around. “You could have been rejected, now officially, after six years trying to get someone to like you back”. I sound more dramatic than intended. Maybe that’s why Kenma brings his face to my right profile, as if he wanted to check on me.

“Wait, what?”, he asks. “For real?”.

“Are you serious?”. Tesso’s question is more suspicious. It’s not that he doesn’t believe Kei could reject me, but he doubts he has. Which, to be fair, is a clever move, because I’m exactly not being honest with them.

“Well, more or less”, I point out. I sense Kenma’s tension going away. “We’ve talked. After days of him acting weird next to me, I decided to bring out the topic and, well. He hasn't said no, but he didn’t say yes, either”.

“Didn’t you even ask him out?”. I shake my head. “But that’s normal, then, isn’t it? He just learned about this. Give him time”.

Kenma is right, but, still, that last silence Kei and I shared before he went away from the fountain’s counter said so much to me, I’m afraid there is nothing to expect from it. And, don’t take me wrong, I’m fine with him not liking me back. Like, I just want to keep our friendship, but I’m scared this will break it somehow.

“We are talking about Tsukki”, I remind them. “He is afraid of relationships and commitment. Now that he knows I’ve tried to hit on him, he may get scared”.

“He hasn’t been scared of me, though”, Tesso says. I won’t say he is wrong, because the truth is, we still don’t know Kei's opinion of him. “I think you are extrapolating his relationship with that boy to whichever other he may have with anyone else”.

“Him and Tadashi are not easy to understand”, Kenma adds. “I mean, I don’t know Tsukki that close, but I do know Tadashi. He is the first one telling everyone they are not together, but then they totally act as if they were”. I’m aware of it, that’s why I’m scared of how this may affect our friendship. “I don’t think he is really understanding what’s going on, Aka, and I think that’s what is to expect: give him time, I don’t think you are gonna lose him”

“To be honest, so far I would accept him going back to normal”, I say. “I don’t need anything else”.

“So, do I still have a clear way?”, Tesso jokes.

I send him a glance that could kill an immortal.

“Just if you don’t hurt him”. He sighs and palms my thighs. “I’m serious”.

“I know!”, he sings. “Damn it, if I were Bokuto I would also go away for a few days”.

As fast as I try to hit him with my heels, he tries to push me away. I stay on the sofa just because Kenma keeps me safe. This bitch… He’s lucky I love him. Otherwise, I would totally stop him from getting closer to Kei.

“You are so rude to me”, I cry out. I sound more annoyed than sad, which is how I feel. “As you said before, I’m brokenhearted, couldn’t you be nicer to me?”.

“You want me to be nicer?”. He is still joking around, but now he is using a toying voice, trying to charm me. Plus, his hands are massaging my legs way nicer than before. 

Even if my eyes are closed, I still half open them to look for him. He enjoys himself so badly… I’m already regretting my lack of willpower when it comes to say no.

As if I wanted to say no, to start with.

“I’m still mad”, I murmur. “I will remain mad”.

He leans towards me, even if his further arm stays over the sofa’s backrest. The other hand, the one palming on my legs, goes directly to my crotch as his minty breath literally baths my mouth. He grabs me over my trousers as I forgot how breathing myself was.

“You sure?”.

Tesso gives me time enough to answer, but I prefer to do nothing as he decides to use that same time to kiss me gently. My heart starts beating fast, and even if I inhale again, I do it clumsily. I was holding onto Kenma’s hands till now. As soon as Tesso’s tongue tangles with me, I free my friend and quickly move to his boyfriends’ black hair.

The kiss turns into something more passionate, then. His hand, still on my crotch, plays up and down as he starts to massage me over my jeans. 

I need no more than that to bend my knees slightly over.

Tesso travels from my lips to my neck. He licks and kisses over my Adam’s apple, he plays with the curve of my shoulder as the wetness of his mouth brings a cold sensation to my body. This turns me on more than what I would like. Therefore, I bring my head back so I try to remain focus as he starts playing with me, both up and down.

His hand starts to press with further intentions other than play a bit with me. His mouth, as his breath, gains a new gear once he sees I’m enjoying it. And Kenma, still beneath my shaky body, brings his hands up running over my chest till he gets to my chin. There, he presses gently to keep me still. Before I dare to open my eyes, his lips are already in mine.

He tastes like sweets and cookies, like his toothpaste. And compared to Tesso, his kisses are softer. His boy devours you as if he wouldn’t want you to ever fall asleep. Him, on the other hand, tries to keep you calm with pure love and empathy.

At least, while he can keep control over himself.

“You okay?”, he asks me after a long kiss. 

Tetsuro is busy playing with my neck and getting my dick pretty hard.

“Yeah”, I mutter. Now that I’ve opened my mouth to talk, every moan I can imagine will come out as if it would burning inside.

“Good”, Kenma says. “Just let yourself go”.

As if he was giving me an order, I let me kiss, lick and touch. 

Tesso quickly unzips my jeans and brings them lower to my thighs. As much as I’m still shaking my legs in pleasure, he manages to keep them still once he finds his way beneath my underwear and pulls me out. Even if I want to shut my eyes down, I can’t even think of it once he starts jerking me off. He does it slowly; Kenma is way faster than him when kissing me and unbuttoning my shirt. Quicker than expected, they get me half undressed, even if I’m still wearing all my clothes one way or another.

I don’t know when was the last time I made a decision on this, but so far, I’m doing as my friend told me and letting myself go.

I look for Kenma’s brown hair with one hand as we kiss. With the other one, I still rub Tesso’s scalp while he continues kissing my neck. He is the first one moving on, bringing himself between my legs and, on his knees, changing the pleasure he is giving me from manually to orally. Once I feel the wetness of his mouth on my dick, I’m totally incapable of kissing Kenma back.

“Shit”, I moan. “Tesso”. Just speaking his name is enough for me to get shivers. He enjoys himself so much when he gives himself to others than hearing him laughing softly as he sucks me is enough for me to tremble. “Wait, no”.

“Why?”, he asks. The way he plays with my tip as his hand massages my balls is torturing me. I really want to explain myself, but I can’t. And meanwhile, Kenma doesn’t give up on his desire to keep on kissing me.

I decide to focus on him on a stupid try to not lose my mind. I open my eyes and look at him upside down. His beauty speaks to me. He always looks so away from here, as if this didn’t go with him at all. At least, till you get charmed by the shine on his eyes. Once that happens, you are lost. And when he kisses me again, softly, gently and deeply. I know I am.

I grab Tesso’s hand by the wrist and stop him from touching me. That, also, makes him quit on sucking, and I use that break to turn myself over so I’m facing Kenma. Avoiding neck pain, I’m the one passionately kissing him now. He welcomes me in with a hungry tongue. Both his hands start playing with my hair till they find their way down around my back. I take my shirt off, giving his short nails space to scratch. Meanwhile, needy as I start to be, I grab his hoodie from the edge and bring it up to take it off too.

I’m the one biting and kissing necks now, and he is the one wrapping me over my shoulders to keep me in site.

I can’t make my hands stay still, so I move them down to his joggers. He is already hard, not as much as I am but enough for me to play with him over his clothes. Once he starts trembling and the first moan escapes, I put his pants down and start jerking him skin to skin.  I get on my knees so I don’t lose sight of his reactions. Even if he covers his eyes with both arms crossed on top of his face, his half open mouth still drives me crazy.

“Kenma…”, I try to form a proper sentence, but I’m out of breath.

“Yes”, he answers, anyway. Because he knows what I was going to say. “Please”.

Therefore, I come closer to him again and I kiss him desperately as my right hand leaves his dick to go further back. I play with his entrance before pressing against it. His whole body contracts as my finger, little by little, gets in. It doesn't take me much time till I bring my dick instead. Then, I slowly push.

And just when I think I’m over this, that everything is under my total control, my jeans go totally down to my knees, and Tesso’s bare chest gets glued to my back as his breath blows on my ear.

My arms are paralyzed and my erection throbs instantaneously.

“Aka?”, he plays with me by using a mischievous voice. He asks me too, as if I needed to give him permission to do anything. I’m not Kenma, he knows I’m always willing to go. “Can I?”.

As soon as he asks, I feel his cock already on my butt. He presses it against my crease and moves it up and down. My legs start shaking. I feel how my knees spread between Kenma’s legs as if they would be trying to give him more space. So far, I haven't gotten myself into my friend as Tetsuro is preparing his own way in. I don't hesitate, welcoming him to wherever he wants to go. To be honest, I’m not going to complain. Not at all.

“God, Tesso”, I groan. “You must”.

He then spits on his hand and wets his tip before getting to my hole and pressing. He doesn’t give me enough time to do the same with Kenma. I’m frozen and I can’t move on, I’ve barely put my tip in. All my senses are focused on feeling him. On embracing every centimeter he sneaks in, little by little.

It rarely hurts because Kotaro is thicker than any of us, and I've mastered receiving. Still, I know I need to hold my breath more than ever when it comes to him because he is larger than my boyfriend. And he never steps back.

“Oh, fuck”, I mutter. 

My body falls down and that implies I get deeper on Kenma. He moans too. Damn it, normally I am way more tender than this, but his fucking boyfriend doesn't let me think.

As If I could do anything to complain, I look for him over my shoulder, and my strength turns into weakness as soon as I find him: his shirt is fully unbuttoned; his bare chest goes up and down as he breathes it; his black hair is getting stuck to his forehead. And even if I'm aware of his movements, I see how he pounds me… And that makes me lose it.

Completely, I'm all his. At least till Kenma stars bringing his hips up to eat me whole and fuck himself with my dick. Then, I'm theirs.

“Oh, my… Fuck”, I try to speak up, and I fail. Both feed me with pleasure as they move on me. I can't help but stay on my knees, taking Tesso in, and filling Kenma up. “Guys…”, I whimper. “Shit, I can't move”.

“Good”. Tesso wraps me with his left arm as his right hand is on my hip. His voice still blows in my ear like a malicious whisper. “We will move for you”. 

Kenma’s arms cross on my nape as he brings me closer to kiss. He never stops moving his hips. I try to keep the rhythm he sets, but I'm unable to do anything. Pleasure blinds me in every way. The more I try to focus on just one of them, the less I can think of any at all.

“Aka…”, Kenma whispers, completely buried on my neck as we stay glued together. “Faster, please”. 

There is a second in which he pauses his moves, and I try to use it to take the wheel and thrust against him myself. When I do, Tesso’s dick fills me up so deep my legs start shaking again. God, I’m a real mess.

He knows I can't keep any lead, and he decides to move faster, so when he pushes against me, my body does the exact same to Kenma. They share some words. I don't catch them because my mind is pure bliss right now. I refuse to open my eyes and get even more stimulated with their presence. I need this to go slow, otherwise this happiness will last so little I will barely enjoy it.

And right when I think I can do it, my phone starts buzzing in one of my jean’s pockets. I bite my lip as I force myself to ignore it, but Tesso is sensing it too, and he knows quite well who is calling me.

He lets go of my hip and looks for it. Then, he answers the call himself.

“Hello, man”. His voice is cracked, which is already exposing him well enough for Kotaro to know what's happening on the other side. “I'm afraid your man is… quite busy”. A soft laugh escapes from his throat as he talks. Then, a deeper one replies to whatever my boyfriend is telling him. “Yep, I don't think he can talk right now”.

“Fuck you”, I cry. 

As a punishment, Tesso gets his dick completely in again. I groan, louder than before, and Kenma moans in response as I also get deeper on him.

“Sure”, he keeps saying to the phone. “He is being taken care of”.

I move my hand back to grab his waist and I bring him closer. He totally leans on me, his head rest on my right shoulder. Even though it's me who wants to say something, I lose my right to speak as he pushes harder. I bite my lip and groan again. Of course, he laughs before biting my lobe. He still has my phone glued to his ear.

“He is all sweaty and shaky”. Tesso continues talking, but it takes him longer than before to form a proper sentence. I can’t count how long he needs to speak, because I lose track of time the more pleasure I feel. I’m just sure he’s also dealing with it because his voice sounds sexier the longer he talks with Kotaro. “Just as tight as always”.

“Stop it”, I beg. It makes me mad to know they are both talking about me. Not a real anger, just an annoying one because I wish I could recover my phone and do so myself. But I can’t. I can barely stay on my knees at this point. “You both are idiots”, I say. “And I’m…”, but all I do is whimper again as he thrust on me. “Fuck, Tesso…”. I press my hands on Kenma’s chest and I force myself to look at him. He has given up long ago, even though his hips move on their own, since they are the reason I need to talk to him now. “Slow”, I beg again. “I’m gonna explode”. 

He then brings the pace down, but on my back, Tesso does the opposite. And I know that, for once, he is not the one to blame for it.

“How deep?”, he asks. Not to me, but to Kotaro. “Yes, sir”.

“Fuck, no!”, I say. Even if I press his abs to push him back, it doesn’t work. Two tears fall from my eyes as I completely fall into Kenma when he does as my boyfriend commands. “I hate you… both…”. But Tesso laughs once more.

“Sure”, he says. Again, not to me, but to his friend. “I leave it up to you”.

He hands me the phone. Even if I try to reach for it, I can’t bring my arm up because I’m fisting the sofa’s seat as I try to keep my cool. When he notices, he places it on my ear and then Kenma, since I’m almost laying on top of him, grabs it and keeps it there.

I feel so stupid I just want to cry. Kotaro knows, and that’s why he laughs.

“Babe…”, he says.

Actually, he groans. Okay, fuck me, this is worse than expected.

“Damn it, Taro…”, I moan. “Why aren’t you here?”.

When we meet with other people, I’m really bossy. You can’t wreck me easily, it doesn’t matter who it is, I’m in charge even when I’m just staring. But, for that, I need Kotaro to be there. I need, in case he is not, to be in a good mood mentally. Today both thins are nowhere to be seen. My boyfriend is out of town, and Kei Tsukishima brought my confidence to a lower level than what I’m used to. Therefore, my two best friends know how to take advantage of it. And even if it sounds rough from them, it’s still beautiful.

Because now, even if I start to cry because of the pleasure I’m sensing everywhere mixed with the voice of my lover on the phone, I know those are happy tears.

“ He is being taken care of ”, Tesso said before.

Fuck it, they are indeed taking care of me.

“I am”, Kotaro says. “I’m always there, babe”. 

It doesn’t matter it I love to get fucked by Tetsuro. My friend knows what’s his role at the moment, and it is following my boyfriend’s guidance.

“Do you feel them?”, he asks me about our friends. “Do you feel them well enough”.

“Yes”, I mutter. “God, yes”.

“Good”. I groan as Tesso puts a foot on the floor to gain balance and pound me faster. It takes my breath away as my body moving to his is able to fill Kenma up completely. My friend starts moaning on his own. I pick up the phone as I can because he needs to grab himself onto the sofa pretty fast with that same hand. He also begins to jerk himself off, and with that I know he is close to cum. 

“Kenma…”, I say with almost no voice, “he’s gonna…”

“Good”, he repeats with a strong exhalation. “Go faster on him, babe”.

I try to follow his lead, but I get weak as I picture him masturbating through the phone. His moanings are so sexy, so profound, I feel my skin crawling. My moves still work for Kenma to start to lose his mind, but I’m afraid I can’t control mine at all.

“You are so good, Keiji”. I tear up again. God, I love him so much. I love to feel him even if he is not here. He is right; he always is, somehow. “Help him cum, babe, and then focus on yourself”.

I move Kenma’s hand away, and I shake him so he gets his orgasm soon. Even if I focus on the call, for a second, I bring the phone down to pay full attention to my friend. I can’t pound as fast as usual, but my hand responds just as I want it too, and no longer after I start jerking him off, Kenma comes in a sweaty and exhausted orgasm.

While he empties himself on my hand and his belly, I can’t think of my own pleasure and Tesso fucking me. So far, I know he is also making sure his boy is getting everything he needs, but since he knows him better than anyone, I’m unprepared for when this turns to be all about me.

I’m clumsy enough to grab the phone but make it fall right after. It takes me ten seconds after Kenma cums to bring it back to my ear, and once is there, I can barely make any noise other than moans and an ugly sobbing. 

“I’m so close”, I cry. “God, I can’t do this any longer”.

“Just a bit more, babe”, he begs me now. He is close to, even if he is on his own and has started later. He is doing it fast. I don’t want to think about it, because the picture of him laying on bed while masturbating is enough for me to cum, and he wants me to last a bit more. “I will… with you…”. I nod, even if he can’t see me. “You want Kuroo to cum inside?”. That question stops me from breathing, and push me away from my own pleasure for a second. “I will be here. It will be me”. 

My cock, now free from Kenma’s body, throbs as I think about it. Tesso is still fucking me, groaning on my ear as I freeze in time. His boyfriend, beneath my body, starts jerking me off and I can’t come to tell him to stop. I want him to do it. Both, I want them both to continue till they make me explode.

Till they make Kotaro explode too.

“Yes”, I cry. “Yes, Taro, fill me up”.

And just because we know each other perfectly, Tesso shares a laugh from the back as he accepts the deal to replace my man for this time. I only need to look for him over my shoulder to see him nodding. The sexiness of his look, the mere presence of himself on my back drives me crazy enough to feel my orgasm knocking me down.

I’m afraid I can’t do this any more.

“Taro…”, I say. “I can’t…”

“Cum, babe”, he tells me. And as if he would be jerking me with Kenma, I explode on my friend’s belly till I empty myself.

The sensation of pure bliss brings my down. My knees can’t hold me any longer, and Kenma receives me on top with a clumsy hug. But this is not completely over. My exhaustion takes me as I’m still shaking because of Tesso’s pounds and my man moaning on the phone.

“You are so hot, Keiij”, he cries out. “God, you are…”

I know he is going to explode, so I bring my free hand back and knock at Tetsuro so he can do it too. I feel how my friend fills me up as my lover breaks into a deep orgasm on the phone. Both groans turn into one on my head, and even if I’m done myself, my cock still throbs as I tear up once again.

I close my eyes as Tesso comes closer to kiss my shoulder. Kenma, on the other side, hugs me closer and kiss my temples. I’m unable to keep my phone in place, so they take it from me and put on the speaker so I can listen to Kotaro. 

He is laughing, and I smile like an idiot as my friends laugh with him too.

“God, that was good!”, he celebrates from afar.

“Next time… be faster… please…”, Tetsuro complains. Poor man has been holding back his orgasm so his friend could catch up. I’m glad Kotaro offered me to get his load instead. It’s not usual, not at all, but if someone can make me feel like my boyfriend does, it’s him.

Just as Kenma hugging me brings such a deep relief to my senses. 

Damn, I wouldn’t change them for anything. I wouldn’t change this moment, not even to bring Kotaro here. I guess it was meant to be like this… and, maybe that’s why I cry now just with total bliss.

“You guys are heavy…”, Kenma complains, making us laugh. “But I love you”.

“I love you too”, I mutter as I can. That’s my stupid way of saying thank you .

Then I think I pass out and fall asleep for a short nap. I’m not sure about it, but I guess so because a fleeting thought of Kei rejecting a friendship with any of us is scary enough for me to be knocked out. I’m glad I came here to spend the weekend with them, because otherwise walking up to that idea would have made from this encounter a useless meeting. But I’m with them once I wake up again, all cozy under a blanket, with Tesso beneath my body know, as Kenma on my feet watching a movie with him. Kotaro must be asleep already, and we still have to order some dinner first.

There is nothing I regret from this, not even if Kei decides to stay away from me. I still really hope he will not, but if that’s his decision, it will be his loss, not mine.

Chapter Text

TSUKISHIMA

It’s been a strange week, to say the least. If I could sum it up in just one thought, I would, but sadly my mind has been working nonstop, and I haven’t come up with a conclusion. Only an easy one that I guess everyone around me has assumed too: I’m blind. 

Classes have started to get serious now that we head to October. Therefore, I’ve tried to use them as an excuse to empty my mind from intrusive thinking. Has it worked? Not at all, but at least I’ve managed to sleep at night the last few days. The first ones after I talked with Kenma and Kuroo weren’t that easy for me. Which is kinda ironic, because life gave me everything I needed to move on as soon as possible.

Firstly, Akaashi and I didn’t share that many lessons. And then, Tadashi had to go to some kind of work he was part of in a laboratory center in Lightlair, so I was left alone in the room for two days straight. That’s over now; not only he is back, but also I have faced Akaashi on Friday, and it looks like he knew from the beginning I was aware of everything.

The one to blame is Kuroo, apparently. He told him what happened, and that exposed me and my cowardly guts when it comes to facing some situations. 

Now that cards are over the table, I suppose the easiest thing would be to move on and accept reality as it is. Then, why do I still feel so weirded out? It’s as if I was just a mere actor in a play I’m not prepared for. I thought I knew the screenplay, but it seems like they changed it last minute, and I have a role I don’t even understand. Everyone around me had time to catch up. They even say I should have too, because the new lines have always been there.

The truth is, I guess I just forgot how to read. That, or I got too used to routine I forgot people around me have their own lives, and I know not a quarter of them as I expected.

“We don’t need a reservation”, Tadashi is telling me. “We can go whenever”.

It’s midday and we are on our way to lunch. Actually, we are waiting. It’s been ten minutes since we discovered Tobio and Shoyo are not coming because, as expected, they got wasted last night and now they can barely move. We went out to a pub, which I don’t like but agreed anyway because I needed to space out. Did I? Not at all, but at least now I got rid of my two friends for a dining time outside.

Shit is, we booked a table at a restaurant only the two of them like. And now we have to find a second option, and I’m out of ideas. Tadashi, on the other hand, is checking on his phone and has picked a few ones. 

“This one too”, he shows me one more that needs no reservation.

“Which one is that?”. 

I’m normally dragged to those places, so it’s better if he clarifies for me.

“The one with the ribs, barbecue steaks and all”. I give it a try in my mind and nod when I accept the suggestion. “I hope Hitoka is okay with it too”.

True, we are not going alone. Our friend comes with us, which means I will have to deal with her soft anger and fake kindness whenever she sees us both getting too intimate. Not that I blame her, I understand why she does so, since she is the first one telling Tadashi to move on from me and leave me, I quote, “ the fuck alone for once and forever ”.

I’m surprisingly a friend of hers. She loves me, she says, but never shows.

“She likes meat”, I remind him as I finish rearranging my shelves for the second time this week. “If they have baked potatoes, she will be fine”.

“Oh, they do”. 

And just like a magic trick way too perfect to be real, our door is knocked from the outside. It jumps scare us, not going to lie.

“Did anyone say baked potatoes?!”.

I wouldn’t be surprised at how thin our walls are if it wasn’t because I can here Tobio snoring from here. Of course, that’s not the only thing each of us can hear from the nearest room. Which is not… nice.

“Come in!”, Tadashi offers his friend. He is tying his boots. He is already in the autumn mood, and looks quite beautiful all dressed in browns, greens and oranges. 

Of course, I don’t tell him. Not because I don’t want him to know, but because Hitoka is already here, and she would send me threats over being nice to him. Apparently I can’t  if I don’t marry him right after. What a time to be alive.

“So the couple doesn’t come?”, she asks.

“They are too drunk for that”, Tadashi explains.

“Well, It’s not that I prefer them to not come, but, I brought the Mini, so we can go whenever the baked potatoes are by car”.

That’s actually interesting. She drives such a tiny car we usually don’t fit in it. Since we are only two, we for sure can manage that. And the restaurant Tadashi chose is not close to the HQ University, we could only get there by train… and I don’t really want that. Hitoka is a good driver, the best of my friends, to be fair, so I agree to the plan.

“That’s fine”, Tadashi does too. “Could you wait for us there? We will go down in a second, please”.

I think it’s the first time Hitoka stares at me with full rage and I really don’t know what I did wrong. Why is Tadashi telling her to go ahead? Better said; why do we have to stay back? My girlfriend sends me a hate glare before nodding and going away. I would tell her I know nothing about this, but it wouldn’t help us at all.

“Okay”, once she is gone, I move from my shelves to pick my jacket. Notorious proof of me wanting to leave already. “If I did something wrong, I apologize”, I say. He, all dressed up with a beanie and scarf even, shares a smile that doesn’t really calm me down. “Well, I encouraged the two idiots to drink one more cup, but…”.

“Can you relax, please? It’s nothing serious”.

I take a deep breath and then follow him to our bed.

“You could have said that before, don't you think?”.

“I needed you to stop rearranging your shelves, and that was the only way”. Fair point, I give him that. “Are you gonna explain to me why you were, indeed, rearranging them again?”. Oh, so that’s the thing.

I really did something. The problem is, he doesn’t know what I did, or what’s going on, actually. My eyes travel to my reorganized books and come to a conclusion: I’m too obvious.

Yes, I never do such things. And even less, I do them twice in a row.

He knows me well. Therefore, he is aware there is something going on with me.

“I feel like, if I do so, my thoughts would be rearranged too”, I confess.

As he nods, he proves he already knows so. I have my traits. Strange habits that are actually quite exposing of my inner self. That means, I don’t bite my lips, nor play with my hair like, actually, Tadashi does when he is nervous. I tend to move way more in bed when trying to sleep, to replay old podcasts I’ve already listened to, just so I can focus on things I know pretty well. I look for new apps on my phone, even if I don't use them later on. And, of course, I rearrange my shelves. I also do so with my laptop folders, but that’s been done already during the week.

“Did they?”, he asks me. “Do you feel better now?”.

“Actually, it’s not that I didn’t feel well. I’m just…”. How am I? It’s hard to say. “Confused. Everything is blurry around me”.

He grabs my hands and softly runs over them with his thumbs. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?”.

Do I? With him? Well, I don’t know if that’s a good idea, but Tobio and Shoyo are totally not the people I want to analyze this with. They are both way too close to Kenma. And Hitokoa would take this out of context, which is not a good idea either.

Maybe Tadashi is the perfect choice. I mean, we are not this close because we don’t understand each other, so, what do I have to lose?

Other than talking about relationships, which always is our weak point.

“Did you know Kenma was Kuroo’s boyfriend?”, I start asking.

His eyes show so much confusion, they narrow to the point they almost close.

“Of course”. Yeah, what kind of question was that, Kei?. “Didn’t you…?”. Then, out of nowhere, his mouth opens wider right before he covers it up. When he nods, I know I’m about to get embarrassed. “That’s what happened!”, he says. “Damn, Shoyo said you were talking with him the other day, and that it was quite strange”. That’s not the worst word he could use, so I’m grateful. “Was it about them being together? Didn’t you know?”.

“I didn’t”. In case it wasn’t obvious yet. “They told me that day, because…”. Here comes the worst part of this conversation. “Actually, that’s not the main topic, but, I guess it started with that”. I free his hands because I feel more comfortable moving them on my own. He is totally focused on me, so he doesn’t really care. “I don’t know if you remember, but I told you the other day that Kuroo tried to hit on me”. 

He spaces out for a second before nodding.

“Yeah, I remember”.

“Okay, well, he didn’t try ; he did”. The succession of nods becomes just an abrupt and slow one. “Looks like not only I didn’t know they were together since high school, but also, of course, that they had an open relationship”.

For the long period of time he stays quiet thinking about my words, I wonder what comes to mind. He never shares, as his brows frown into a suspicious look of confusion and agony. I never feel judged, but I don’t really understand what’s going on.

“Yeah, I do know that too”. I’m not surprised. “So that’s why you’ve been acting weird lately? Because… Kuroo hit on you?”.

“What? No, no, it’s not that”. Not only that, I guess. “It’s just… Look, I don’t want to sound naive or retrograde, but I didn’t know those things were really a thing”. He is shocked. He also tries to cover it up, but his eyes are an open book to me. “I mean, I know they do exist, but I always thought it was so… unusual, that no one around me would do that”.

“And is it that bad to you?”.

“No, but it looks like they are not the only ones, and that directly affected me somehow. Other than because Kuroo was flirting with me”, I wave my hand out as if that would take away the relevance to that exact detail. Tadashi is still expecting. “Akaashi and Bokuto are in one too, and apparently, if they’ve been so interested in going out with me, it’s not only because I’m a great friend”.

Actually, I use words that hopefully don’t show any rancor nor judgment over them. But the truth is, I still feel quite outraged about me not noticing the signals. So far, I even think Tadashi does. He may have known about Kenma and Kuroo, but not about the others.

“Oh, God”, he says. “That’s why Kenma always says they are that intimate with Bokuto and Akaashi”. Damn it, he’s been telling everything out there and I never paid attention. “So, I was right when I said they seemed really interested in you during your birthday”. Sadly, yes. He was. 

And that wasn’t the only thing that was quite obvious around us: I remember Kuroo telling Tadashi to send regards to Shoyo that day on the court. I thought he was just a fan of his, but it looks like he is actually his friend. And that time I thought I saw Akaashi and him kissing? I guess it was true, even if it happened so long ago. Same as when my classmate talks about spending the night with Kuroo, and I, naively, think he means as friends.

I’ve been so stupid I hate myself for that. Not only for how embarrassed I feel about it, but because I sense that I’ve hurt Akaashi all the time.

“And… have you both talked?”, Tadashi asks me.

“Whom?”.

“Akaashi and you. Or Kuroo and you…”. 

“I mean, it was Kuroo who explained to me, even though there is still a lot I don’t get. But I came to know about it because of him and Kenma”. I will avoid how I got told about it because that actually pisses me off. “And, yeah, Akaashi and I have talked, even though I feel like we need more time to speak about it”. He nods. “I just don’t want this to ruin my friendship with him, you know? Just because I reacted like our grandparents would do”.

“Well, I suppose once you come to understand how they work and what they expect from this, you will understand them better, and their interest in you won’t be as surprising”. I know he says that simply because he is in love with me, but I’m glad he tries to be gentle. It makes me feel quite better, actually. “And, who knows, maybe you even accept their offer”.

That, on the other hand, shocks me so much that all the relief I felt while talking with him turned into some kind of terror. Why is he…? Why does he say something like that?.

“Why?”, I need to ask. “Do you think I would?”.

“I mean, you’ve always looked at Akaashi quite differently than at anyone else”. Even if he seems calm and even smiles, I can’t do the same. “And it’s not that you and I are in a relationship”, his face goes down as he stares at his hands playing between each other, “we obviously can meet with other people”.

This is such a weird experience, because I don’t know how to deal with that coming from him. So far, since we kissed for the first time being so young, I haven’t been with anyone else other than him. It can be weird, especially if we consider that we are not a couple at all, but I never felt like doing so… even if I’ve clearly felt attracted to other guys, like Akaashi. Or Bokuto. Or…

“Sorry, that was unnecessary”, he says.

“No, no, you are right”. Just as I reply with that, it’s as if he was waiting for the total opposite. Did he say that just so I would go and deny it? He wanted me to tell him I could only be with him? 

Well, if that’s the case… I prefer to think it was not, because I would be hurt. He is free to do whatever he wants, just as I am. And the most obvious proof is that, since I haven’t been with anyone simply because I haven’t wanted, but he has. First, with Hitoka, and then… Well. I prefer to ignore the few guys he has tried to get over me, because some of them are really unexpected. Like that Terushima dude he met on a project a few years ago. He is friends with Shoyo and the rest, too, and they remained colleagues after their few months of relationship, but… He was a total douchebag. Is he really going to get upset if I consider whatever Akaashi wants to offer me? Even if I’m clearly so suffocated with the idea that I may faint before considering it an option at all?

I guess this is why I was hesitant to speak my mind up. Because it doesn’t matter whom I decide to talk with, they will always be judging my decisions. Especially him.

“Sorry”, he says again. Now, he stands up pretty fast. “I really didn’t mean whatever you are thinking now. I was just… Well, I knew about Kuroo and Kenma, so of course you not knowing has been quite surprising, and…”.

“It’s fine”. Even if it pisses me off, I’m aware he never wants to hurt me nor make me think something different from reality. Since this is a harsh topic, I prefer to let it go. “Hitoka has been waiting for a long while already”, I add. “We better get moving”.

Hopefully they don’t bring the issue up when eating. Otherwise, I’m afraid I won’t be able to bring a single bite to my mouth.

***

I ate so much strawberry cake for dessert. I’m thankful Hitoka brought her car, otherwise walking back to Karasuno would be the death of me. Even Tadashi is full, even if he only got to eat his fries, mine and his friend’s. He had no more space for sweets, and that’s tormenting us both now.

“I think I will take a nap…”, he says. So far, he is trying to fall asleep on my arm. We are at the backseats, and my eyes are also closing. “It’s still early… I can… Just a few minutes…”.

“Wait till we arrive, please”, I say. “I can’t carry you around when you are asleep”.

For some reason, he is way heavier that way. Or perhaps I’m just weak, even though my arms and back are clearly fitter than his. I just prefer both of us walking to our room. Then, the nap sounds completely fine. Even for me.

“I hate you…”, Hitoka cries from the front. “I have to go to see my mother”.

“Tell her you can’t”, Tadashi offers. “Tell her… you are tired”.

“You are no help when you are tired, Yams”. I smile. Not a lot, because I can barely move, but it’s true that he acts like a kid when he is sleepy. 

And that’s quite cute.

I open my eyes, I force myself to stay awake. He’s leaning against my arm, so I bring my eyes down to confirm he is totally falling asleep before arriving at HQ University. It’s only a five minutes drive left, so I let him rest a bit. I bring his beanie a bit low, just so it doesn’t fall back. It suits him so much… I guess I could tell him he looks cute, so far, I don’t think he or Hitoka would hear me at all. And after how pissed I was before we left the room… God, I’m really the worst when it comes to treating topics like this. I feel like everyone is trying to hurt me, and I can’t think properly.

Tadashi meant no harm. Why can’t I just be as calm as he is?

“Please, I don’t want my friend to break a leg on his way home”, Hitoka tells me once we get out of her car. “Take care of him”.

“Don’t worry”, I say.

So far, Tadashi is awake, but not quite lucid. I decide to hold his hand on our way to Karasuno, even if I normally avoid those kinds of things.

He is so tired he doesn’t even notice.

“Why does eating make me feel so tired?”.

“Your metabolism hates you”. He sobs, but he knows I’m right. “You will sleep now, wait just a few minutes”.

“Will you, too?”. His temple rests against my arm.

All of a sudden, I feel like all eyes around us are on me. Judging me, pointing at me for giving him hopes once more. I close mine as we walk because I don’t want to confirm or deny. I just need to get to our room, and forget how every kind of social situation gets the worst out of me, it doesn’t matter what it is.

I totally need to face my fears once and for all. This is getting nonsense, and since this is my last year surrounded by mates and supposed friends, I don’t want to separate ways thinking I really messed up all my relationships just because I suck at being social.

And even if I hate it, I think I know how to start.

“Tadashi, do you mind going on your own?”. I’m aware I haven’t answered to his question. Actually, I think he has forgotten, too.

“Why?”, he looks at me with sleepy eyes.

“I… I want to go and check something at the library”. He is about to complain. “No work, no study. Just confirm something. I promise”.

He’s not in the mood to fight me on resting or not, so once we get to Karasuno, he waves his hand to say goodbye and his autumny-self disappears from my sight. Once he is gone, I turn around and go directly to the sciences campus. There is a high chance that this trip is useless, but I have hopes. 

Hopefully they are answered.

I haven’t been here before, not other than to check their library, since I’ve cursed some subjects that obviously were more scientific than historical. Still, it’s my first time checking on the map of the main building. Once I get there, I assume today is my lucky day, because my prayers were, indeed, gladly answered by some divine dinosaur in heaven.

I don’t need to knock at the door because this one is open. The two names on the label welcome me in a private office, but today there is only one person working inside. That’s fine, because I knew one of them wouldn’t be here anyway. The other one, though, is a pleasant surprise. But I won’t let him know. I don’t want him to flatter himself too much.

“Wow”, Kuroo says once he looks up and confirms he’s not alone anymore by a second glance. “Is this an illusion?”.

He is wearing a white robe over a bordeaux shirt and black trousers. Too elegant for a Sunday afternoon, but I guess they do it like this here. Since he is sitting on a stool and he was about to collapse from boredom while reading on a laptop, I suppose I’m a nice diversion. 

“Maybe you fell asleep, and I’m a nightmare”, I say. He fakes some shivers and then stands up. “Don’t you rest on weekends?”.

“Yeah; don’t tell Kenma, he is napping, and I snuck out”. If only he mentioned the guy before… We could have avoided lots of misunderstandings. “I should rest, yeah, but since Bokuto is not around, I need to catch up”. That makes me frown. “I’m not a genius, you know? I actually need to work hard to be where I am”. A soft wink tells me he is quite proud of himself.

 I mean, I don’t think there is a reason to not be. I had no idea of their love affairs, but I totally knew they both were quite an eminence on their field.

“Well, you have an office too”, I point out, both orally and physically.

“That’s a trick, actually”, he replies. “This is Bokuto’s office. He just asked the rectorate to add me too, since we were working on the same project”. Okay, that’s unfair, I guess. “My results and works are not as relevant as his; I didn’t deserve one on my own, apparently”.

“Sorry, then”.

“No worries, I’m fine with this”.

He brings down his laptop screen and I guess his full attention is on me now. This place is quite stimulating to fight with me on that: other than the two desks, being Bokuto’s way messier than his, they also have some long metal tables on the back of the room, and at least five shelves that I could totally rearrange on my worst times.

Hopefully it won’t by today.

“So?”, he asks. “What’s the reason behind this pleasant surprise?”.

He quotes my own thoughts, and that tells me enough of what I wanted to know.

“I want answers”. I go to the point. “And I guess you are eager to give them to me”.

“Am I?”. He takes off his robe and hangs it on a rack. As much as I came here by my own will, I would have preferred him to stay covered. “I don’t know the questions, yet”.

“I think you do”. 

He stops walking and stares at me for longer than I would have wanted to. Still, I don’t flinch nor move a finger. I stay under the door frame, and that’s the first thing he notices in our silence. Before nodding, he aims at the exit and tells me to get in. I do as he says, and once I close the door, I regret my decision to come here.

Kuroo is totally enjoying himself because of my visit.

“Let’s say I do”. Even his voice has turned into something more joyful. “What about you start little by little, and I keep up with you?”.

Since I’m the one that came here to look for information, I guess that’s fair.

“Okay”. He then invites me to start with it. “So, I suppose you know, but I’ve talked with Akaashi about what happened”. Since he nods, it’s a good start.

“I’m aware, yes”. I feel like he is hiding something already. Maybe I went too far saying we were doing great. “I know his side of the story. Would you like to add yours?”.

“Well, I don’t think there’s a story”. And it worries me that Akaashi thought there was. “He told me you told him, and I apologized for not telling him myself before”.

If I expect Kuroo to say sorry too, that’s not going to happen.

“That’s good, isn’t it?”, he says.

“It’s not bad, but I can’t say I’m happy with the outcome”.

“Why?”. 

I feel like he is having so much fun, I’m already pissed off.

“Because all of this is new to me, and I’m afraid I gave him the wrong impression”.

“He thinks you rejected him”. Okay, that’s… That’s not what happened at all.

“I didn’t reject him”, I clarify. “Nor accepted; we simply didn’t have that conversation”.

“I know, but you didn’t seem really optimistic”.

Actually, that’s true. I know even Tadashi has thought about the possibility, once I’ve told him about it, but it never crossed my mind. So far, my only concern is not ruining what we have, any of us. And it’s true my relationship with Bokuto is inexistent, but I would feel horrible hurting them both.

Meanwhile, what comes to Kuroo… That’s another story.

“I still don’t really understand”, I open up. “To me, they were what I pictured as a traditional couple. In every way. They were meant to be together, only the two of them. And since it’s none of my business, it’s still confussing when I realize I was wrong, especially if that also implies they were interested in me”.

“Does it make you feel uneasy?”. Once again, he uses that tone that make me rage. I was supposed to make the questions, why is he taking the lead now?. “Three people after you, at the same time. I don’t consider it something bad, actually”.

“Three?”.

“Aka, Bokuto, and myself”.

I take a deep breath and look down to stay calm. Sure, of course his flirting was serious. I told Tadashi that, I shouldn’t be surprised. I guess what annoys me is that he uses it so freely, as if he wouldn’t be ashamed.

Even though, why would he be? Why being reclutant about your own emotions?

“Are you even serious about that?”, I need to make sure.

He sits on his desk’s edge, and crosses his arms as he shares a sincere yet cocky smile. I guess that’s his answer.

“Don’t I look serious to you?”.

“You look many things, and serious is not one of those”, I say.

A deep sighs come froms his chest. It inflates, making his pecs grow bigger.

That’s… not a proper thought to have right now.

“Okay, let’s make it clear”, he offers. “I know my attitude may come out as nonchalant, as if I didn’t really give a fuck”. I quickly nod. I’ve crossed my arms too. “It’s just who I am, but that doesn’t mean I’m not being honest. That doesn’t mean my feelings are less than anyone else’s”.

And I suppose that’s fair. I shouldn’t judge. Not me, especially, because I’m the worst when it comes to emotions. But I also don’t apologize. Not to him, not yet.

“They are also worth your trust”, he says. “Ignoring the possible offers, Aka is your friend, isn’t he?”. I confirm by nodding. “That’s what matters the most to him”.

“Yes, and I agree”. We share feelings on that. “That’s why I want you to explain to me who is Keiji Akaashi, actually”. A soft frown muddies his cheerful expression. “I want to understand what you guys are for each other, so I know who am I talking to”.

“Do you think what attracts us or what we like define who we are?”.

It sounds like a genuine question, not second intentions behind.

“I think that if we hide what we are, others will never get to meet us trully”. He thinks about my words before accepting them as something he validates. “Showing off our privacy is one thing, and I don’t come to judge if some do or not. But, to me, the most basic traits of our personality of existence are important”.

“For example?”, he asks.

“I’m gay”, I reply. He nods to that. “I don’t think I need to publish it on the news because no one actually care. But my close friends can’t be close friends if they don’t know that”.

Not everyone have the pace, the trust or the support to be who they are, but thankfully, I’m surrounded by people that allow me to be myself. I know the kind of relationships you have or your lifestyle doesn’t really go hand with hand with your identities, but I think that in acse of Akaashi and Bokuto I missed a huge part of their selfbeing by not knowing that.

And since Kenma and Kuroo have been together for so long, I suppose I missed that too.

“Well”, he talks again, “I’m bi, if that helps you know me better”.

Saying I don’t care wouldn’t be fair after what I’ve just said. But, the truth is, I really think that I prefer to know other things when it comes to them. Even though, knowing he is bisexual is intersting. Mostly if I think of the opening-state of their relationships.

“Are they too?”, I ask. Finally, I can start questioning.

“Aka and Bokuto?”.

“And Kenma”. That surprises him. “I guess you four are in the same relationship, so knowing him better would help me too”.

Even if I had time to figure it out myself.

“Well, Kenma is demisexual. Aka is pan, and Bokuto is gay”. Even if I looked for those answers myself, it still makes me flinch having to find out because of Kuroo.

Was I really that distant from my own friend that I didn’t even know that?

“If you were wondering because of our open relationships”, he continues, “we only meet with guys, since Bokuto only likes them”. It makes sense.

"It's been always like that?", I wonder.

"Since we started, yes". I frown a tiny bit.

"When was it? And why?".

I really hope my questions don't come out as too intrusive.

"Why? Well, Aka and started to feel too attracted to each other, and Bokuto and I already talked about not minding sharing bed. We were the best of friends, talked about it between each other and with Kenma, and noticed the idea of monogamy when it comes to sex wasn't what we wanted then. We tried, we liked it, and here we are now". So it was really that simple. "About when... Our first year of uni, I think. Bokuto's and I, since we are one year older". True; Kenma and Akaashi are one younger than them. "At first it was them two and myself. Kenma came in a bit later, and only when it's only us". That's interesting. "He can only catch feelings for guys, too, but he never takes part in our meetings with others since he only likes to be with the three of us”. Okay, I didn't expect that. I can't help but think of Kenma going out with Shoyo when they were young. But, as I remember, they broke up because it didn't really work at all, so... that may be it. “But I’m afraid you got something wrong: we are not a couple. Not the four of us, I mean”.

“How come?”.

I mean, I thought they were two and two, but that both pairs take part of a whole quartet. Looks I was wrong.

“I’m the only polyamorous of the group”. 

For longer than I would like to admit, I wonder if that’s not what being on an open relationship means. I came here to get my doubts solved, but there are some things that I’m afraid to ask. I feel completely disoriented.

“Sorry”, I say, full of shame, “I don’t know what’s the difference”. 

“Polyamorous is the person that can fall in love or catch feelings with more than one person at the same time. In other words, I can have two relationships, loving both partners equally, or at least respecting each other and our circumstances”. It takes me a while to nod, but I do so he can continue. It doesn’t mean I get it. “Aka and Bokuto are not polyamorous; they only love each other. Or, better said, one person at a time”. Now I don’t give any kind of answer. He stares at me as if he would be expecting one. “Which is basically the usual thing”. Yeah, I suppose. “Kenma is like that, too”. 

“But you are not”. He nods now. “How can he deal with you having other partners if he doesn’t feel the same about relationships?”.

It blows my mind, mostly because I didn’t know loving two people at the same time was even possible. Actually, it’s complicated for me to think he is being honest, but the truth is, I’ve read that definition before. It’s just that… like everything else, I didn’t expect to be a thing around me. And now I don’t really know how to gather that information.

“Because we trust each other”, Kuroo says. His words come out as some risky confession made at the gates of Hell, and he is so confident about himself that there is no way the Devil could think he is lying. “I love him, I will always love him. I will marry him, even”. My stomach flinches as I see myself far from feeling emotions that can be that clear. “And he knows that won’t change even if I love someone else”.

“But it can change”. He looks confused as I speak. “What if you meet someone you love more than him? You can’t marry two people. Law is not made to support polyamorous”. There are no reactions from him. “Sadly”, I quickly clarify this is not mine to decide.

“Life will tell, then”. He doesn’t seem too worried. “I don’t think that’s your problem now”. Fair enough, I think I’ve gone too far. But since he was so interested on my questions… I don’t like being shut down.

“I mean, you were after me, weren’t you?”, I remind him. “What if you end up madly loving me?”. His eyes have never opened as wide as they do now. “Will Kenma approve it?”.

“What does he have to approve?”. My brow rises as his curve in a dare. “If you don’t love me back, there is nothing to worry about, right?”.

Once again, I guess he is right.

“Maybe I drive you so crazy he can’t deal with your stupidity over me”. 

He stands from the table and, still with crossed arms, moves slowly towards me. And at a lower pace, I step back so he never breaks the distance.

“He loves me deeply when I’m stupid”. That gives me chills, but sadly not pleasant ones. I suppose he notices. “And he is our biggest supporter already”.

“Our?”, I ask. “Does that mean we are already engaged or something? Damn, if you are that fast at everything, I’m afraid you are not a lover I would be interested in”.

He loves my punch so much, it’s even annoying.

“Are you coming out to me as a bottom, Tsukki?”, he jokes. “That’s going way too fast, more than me or Kenma, actually”.

“I told you to not call me Tsukki”. Moving to that topic may be a weak hit from my part, but I really don’t feel like talking about sex with him. No if he enjoys the topic that much. 

“I can’t flirt with you if I can only call you Tsukishima”, he cries out.

Is Kenma really in love with… this?

“Then, gain your right to call me something else”, I propose.

“I’m telling you about our love life”. So far, that’s true. “Is that not enough?”.

“Not really. You’ve focused way too much on yourself, and that wasn’t my main interest”. As soon as I end up talking, my back crashes against the wall next to the door. I didn’t notice I came back that far. Sadly for me, he totally did.

Not only that; he was chasing me. He walked this way on purpose: to corner me.

I think his smile is the most insufferable and sexy smile I’ve seen in my life. And just like loving two people at the same time, I never thought both things could work together.

“Wasn’t it?”, he provokes me. “Ask me about Aka, then. Don’t be hesitant”. 

“If he is just like me and can love one person at a time, then why is he so interested in me?”. So far I don’t really know how to move on from being so bottled between him and the wall, but showing my discomfort would only expose me, and I’m embarrassing myself enough today; there is no need for Kuroo to know I suck at socializing that much.

Especially when it comes to flirting.

As if me not noticing Akaashi was into me wasn’t a proper proof of it. 

“Because loving only one doesn’t mean he can’t feel attracted to others”.

Those words reach my soul, and I hate it. It travels me back to my birthday night, when Tadashi and I were talking about exactly this. Of course you can feel attraction towards others even if you are in a relationship. Unless you are asexual, which I know about since Tobio is, and feel none of it, loving someone else or liking your partner doesn’t stop you from feeling some sexual desire towards others.

Truth is, this is a complex topic to treat with your lover, but this is clearly not a problem between Akaashi and Bokuto. 

“Plus, are you sure of what you said?”, he tells me, all of a sudden. “Just like me”, he quotes. Sadly, I don’t really remember what I said before. “You said Aka is like you, because he can only love one person”.

“Yeah”. Now I know. “So what?”.

“I was just asking: are you sure about that?”.

“Well, I don’t think I can have a relationship, so maybe it’s true and we are not the same”.

That gives him enough room to think about. I wonder what crosses his mind… because he totally is not going to say it all.

“So you think you are aromantic? It means you can’t catch feelings”.

I’m grateful he explained, even if knowing the definition doesn’t really help me. I don’t think I am; I obviously can fall in love, because I really think my feelings for Tadashi can’t be compared to anyone else. My problem, then, is not catching or not, but dealing with them,

It’s been always like that, to my disgrace.

“No”, I say. “I can love, it’s just that loving is not my thing”.

A stupid smile appears on his face as he starts nodding. 

“So you are one of those”, he makes fun of me. I frown in response. “Too cold to love, with a heart covered in chains and keyless locker”.

“That’s too dramatic for my taste, but yeah, I prefer to not feel”. Was it too deep? I guess he doesn’t take it like that, because he still loves the idea of mocking me. And, to be fair, I’m as laid-back as he totally didn’t expect. 

The only thing that affects me of all of this is Kuroo getting closer little by little. That, actually, is my total weakness right now, because I don’t know why, suddenly, it makes me feel that nervous. And emotions I can’t understand are not welcome to me.

“If I could not have a heart, I would totally do it”, I say.

He likes even that from me.

“Okay, Mister Heartless. You are making it hard for me to charm you”.

“Oh, you were trying to charm me?”, I fight back. “I’m really impressed you managed to pull out someone like Kenma being such a loser”.

I suppose my sarcasm will only prove me wrong with him; as I try to beat him once more, he shows how further ahead he already is, both on the topic and our physical situation: his body has moved forward, and now we are barely separated by mere centimeters. My breath is born from his, at least while I keep breathing.

The only good thing about this, is that he is not close enough to listen my heart beating.

“Maybe that’s my strategy”, he says, but his voice has lowered down a few tones… because a simple whisper can be heard perfectly from such a short distance. “Maybe I just want you to think I am, so you can turn me into a winner”. 

“I’m not here to fix people up”, I quickly say.

He nods, but I highly doubt I made a fair point there.

“And still, you’ve forgotten you were worried about Aka, didn’t you?”.

As much as I want to answer, I hate that he is right. Not that I have, indeed, forgotten, but again, the topic has gone back to him and I, instead of what I wanted to talk about.

“I suppose it’s easier if I let you go all in already, so we can move on”, I say.

“But this is just the start of the game, Tsukishima ”, he jokes. “I haven’t even thought about what to do with my cards”.

“Think faster, then”, I cut down. “I don’t even want to play”.

The more tense I feel, the less kind I know I sound. My legs are shaking, and my right hand has been fisting for way too long already, just because I don’t want to push him back.

That would mean I’m weak. That would imply we have to touch.

“Well”, he says, “maybe you will”. Again, his confidence is hideous to me. How can someone be so sure of himself? And why the fuck can I have a mere percent of that security?. “Maybe you start wondering if you are more similar to us than what you think you are”.

Again, that’s way too accurate for me to deny. It’s the reason why I was here, to start with. Not to confirm I’m not the usual guy, but to confirm there are more ways to be than the ones I know. To get informed, to check with my own eyes, just in case I’ve been doing things wrong my whole life. Am I like any of them? So far I don’t think so. I can’t love more than one person, if already one seems more than enough. But listening to my attraction to others without thinking of attachments of any kind sounds… reveling. Shocking. Fascinating.

If only Kuroo had nothing to do with this. If only I didn’t feel that lost when he seems so found when he is around me.

I should have gone to Akaashi from the beginning. Being friends with him may have helped me, at least I would have known how to deal with his flirting, if there was some. But this man in front of me is making everything just at will. He does whatever he wants, and gets away with it. Maybe I just need to do the same; perhaps all I need is to act up to his expectations, to see if he can keep up with me.

“How can you be so desperate about me already, Kuroo?”, I ask. “From all the possibilities, how can you be after one that is clearly telling you no ?”.

“Because I like when things are hard”. I know what he means with that, but I won’t make him feel like he is acting wisely. “And, as I told you the other day, you haven’t said no yet”.

Just like that, I bring the word to my mouth to simply shout it to him for once. When I’m about to do so, then, the impulse of my body wanting to speak up reminds me we are too close. Way too much, and the mere idea of moving my lips make me fear we could kiss.

I’ve never kissed anyone other than Tadashi. To think about it, it's just.. terrible. And I shake with just the idea. This time, I’m afraid, he notices too. That’s the only reason I come up with to explain why he hasn’t kissed me yet. Because I guess he starts to wonder if Mister Heartless is really that cold, or if he is just scared.

“Aka and Bokuto have a bond that can’t be touched nor broken”, he says then. “Still, their relationship is open in sexual terms. But even then they have their rules”. As soon as I feel like we are moving from us, my heart gets calmer. The rest of my body, though, I think needs a bit more time. “I don’t think questions will help you comprehend everything fully. Unless you get closer enough to that, you will never really understand”. 

“Are you telling me to accept their non existent offer to fuck?”. 

His smile is back, but now it looks wiser. I don’t like that.

“I’m telling you to consider your surroundings. Just try, Tsukishima. You were single, after all, right?”.

Kuroo turns around and walks slowly towards his desk once more. Until he doesn’t sit and lifts up his laptop screen, he doesn’t send me one more smile. This time, sadly, I don’t feel strong enough to respond. Not with words, nor with gestures. I just take a deep breath and then I also turn around. I open the door and leave the office.

I suppose it’s late for a nap, even if I’m sure Tadashi is still asleep once I get to our room. Sadly for me, I’m afraid I won’t sleep tonight either. My plan to clear my mind has become a horrible result of it getting even more dazed. 

I have no idea what to do now. And the worst thing is that, whenever I try to think of an option on my way to Karasuno, all I think about is Kuroo telling me to just try .

Chapter Text

BOKUTO

My job has its perks. The first one is that it’s actually not a job, so even if I get paid and I registered as a worker to the law, I still have my free time because, before anything else, I’m a student. That will change once I get my PhD, even if I will totally stay in HQ University a long time afterward. But my perks will remain the same, or will get even better.

Like getting paid that well. Or getting some subjects validated simply because my implication in certain projects allows me to.

Or getting to travel to congress and important meetings, with no cost on my side and spending the night in luxury hotels in which the minibar is full of drinks and sweets.

Still, nothing feels as good as waking up in the morning next to Keiji in our Fukurodani room. Well, maybe something would: doing so in our own house. Someday, hopefully next year. Once he’s done with his PhD and he can get a job wherever he wants and I find a away to move there too or to get an easy and fast way of coming and going from uni every day.

Till then, this will do. 

I open my eyes a bit after I stretch. My hands touch the backrest and I use the contact to push myself a bit lower on the mattress. When I feel capable of accepting more light than usual, I look to the high windows of our room and confirm it’s a sunny day. Then, I turn to my bed, where Keiji sleeps, and my smile appears automatically. I can barely see him; his pillow is over his head, and the sheets cover him almost to the shoulders. His baggy blue shirt doesn’t help, either, but at least his left arm is over my bare chest. That makes it easier for me to grab his hand and his kiss knuckles.

A soft groan escapes his body as I stand up. I’m fast in going to the bathroom; the sooner I shower and brush my teeth, the less time I will require to get ready to go. I dry myself with a towel, both hair and body, and I go back to the room to get dressed. Keiji is still in the same position. I look at him during the time I use to put on some clothes: dark gray trousers, light blue shirt. I’m still tying my tie with I sit on the mattress’s edge and bring myself down to kiss him. It’s complicated; I have to find my way beneath the pillow till I find some skin, but I do and I touch his cheek.

Another groan, this time a bit louder.

Since I don’t go away, he turns to me. Little by little, my little owl comes from under his wings and looks for me. He barely opens his eyes, but the blue almost turquoise tone of them is already mesmerizing. I will always prefer him to any cup of coffee to wake myself up.

“You leaving?”, he murmurs. 

“Yeah”. Now that I know where his mouth is, I kiss his lips. The first time, he is grateful but can’t correspond. The second one, he is about to kiss me too, but he starts shaking his head softly and goes back to his pillow.

“Bad breath”.

He doesn’t mean me; he hates kissing in the morning because he thinks his mouth stinks. I’ve never really paid attention to that, but at least I got my kisses!

“I wanted to recharge my energy before going to uni”, I say. 

Keiji then extends his right arm and looks for my left hand. When he grabs it, he brings it close to his mouth and kisses it.

That will totally work too.

“What time is it?”, he asks me. His voice is still taking its time to work out.

“Only eight”. He complains with a desperate groan. I’m sad he can’t see my smile from beneath the pillow. “Kuroo must be there already”.

“He always is”.

Sure is, our friend hits the gym at half past six a few days a week, and then is already working at half past seven. We don’t really need to be there before ten, and I totally could stay here a bit longer, but I know he takes no breaks and he works more than he needs to mostly because I don’t need to. So, I prefer to go and stay with him.

“I will see you later, okay?”, I say. “Remember I have lunch with one of my teachers”.

“I’m meeting with Kenma, yes”. Glad to know.

I kiss him one more time, now on the right temple, and he kisses me back on my hand.

“Love you”, I say.

“Love you too; stay brilliant”.

I bring my hand beneath the sheets and look for his ass and squish it a bit. Even if he’s wearing his underwear, I still sense how warm he always is in the mornings. My lovely portable heater. He shakes to push me away and I stand up. Then, I pick up my briefcase and hang it on my right shoulder. I pass by the usual booth to get some churros and breakfast and then I head towards our office in science campus.

Of course, Kuroo is there. Right behind his desk, resting his tired face against his left hand. The dark circles under his eyes tell me he may have been here for longer than one hour.

“Man…”, I complain as a good morning. “How long…?”.

“We got an email yesterday evening”, he says. I’m afraid I’m the first person he talks to today; his voice is still husky. “Nothing serious; one of our last articles wasn’t sent correctly, and they were waiting for it. I came early to fix it”. He tries to make me relax by waving his hand in the air. Not that I wasn’t calm already, but, whatever.

“If it isn’t serious, why are you here already?”, I ask.

“Because I was sure you didn’t read it”. He is not wrong. “And I didn’t want to wait till ten in the morning to reply to them”.

“It’s twenty past eight”, I correct. “I was coming at half past eight, you know that”.

He sighs as he brings his laptop screen down and leans over it.

“Whatever”. I go to my desk and hand him some churros and a warm coffee. He picks them up with moving or looking. “You know I prefer to have everything under control”.

Totally. He has his own agenda. His schedule is unbreakable; only Kenma can change it, and it depends on how and why. Keiji and I are so used to it we already know his timings and moves, so if we are gonna offer him to go for a drink or meet for dinner and lunch, we make sure first if he will be free. He is quite obsessed with excellency, and the wrong and horrible idea of me being a genius but him being a regular human being makes him think he needs to work faster, harder and longer. 

There is no point in telling him to take it easier; the three of us know he won’t, already.

“How was the trip back, though?”, he asks me. He has turned his face over the laptop to look for me. His right cheek is completely crushed. I’m already opening my email inbox. Compared to his, mine still has at least fifty messages to answer. 

“Horrible”, I say. “One of the dudes there was driving after lunch, and I told him to join so I didn’t have to wait till the evening… but, jeez, he never shut ups. And he doesn’t play music, so I had no way to distract myself. Once I managed to bring out my phone and text Keiji, he called me and we faked an important call”.

He laughs, softly. Damn, this man is tired.

“How long did it last?”, he wonders. I sigh before responding.

“Forty minutes”. Now his laugh is more vivid. I’m glad to see and hear it.

“Ah, poor Aka. He missed you”.

“But he enjoyed staying with you, right?”.

So far, he told me he had a great time. We used our time having dinner last night to talk about it, and he was so happy letting me know I didn’t expect it to be any different from his version. The idea of him feeling lonely kills me every time.

“Yeah, don’t worry, man”. He brings his left arm up and stretches out his arm to hit mine with a fist. “It’s just that he was tired. He also talked with Tsukishima on Friday, and his mind wasn’t working properly”.

He also told me a bit about that, but we didn’t really talk about it because he was bored of, I quote him, talking about himself. So I have to change the topic and tell him about my trip, even if it was the most boring thing ever.

“What happened with that, actually?”, I ask. “Do you know anything?”.

“Well…”. I think he likes this too, because he finally brings his head up and gets his back against the chair. The red marks on his cheek are nothing compared to his annoying smile. “I think Aka worries over nothing. Tsukishima is confused, but he is also so interested in us I really doubt he won’t end up joining us some day”.

I don’t follow him at first. Join us? Like… for a drink? If that’s so, I hope he does! I mean, come on, I still can’t believe we haven’t managed to get him out of uni for once. Even if, obviously, I know Kuroo is not talking about that at all.

“Why are you so sure?”, I insist.

“Because he came in here yesterday”. Okay, that’s brand new information to me. Kuroo knows, that’s why he is enjoying himself so much as we speak. “He came looking for me, to ask me about us. All of us”.

“Explain yourself”, I inquire. “Does Keiji know?”.

“Nope. Someone forbade me to come in here yesterday, so I had to keep his visit as a secret just in case”. That’s a hit against me, but I ignore it. “I told Kenma, only”.

“So?”. I’m getting impatient. “What did he say?”.

“Nothing, he had questions about us. How we do this, why and since when we do this. If we are really open. He thought we were all a couple, the four of us”. Well, if they told him we are somehow together I guess it’s normal to think that. “I explained to him; I told him about me being poly, about you two being monogamous. It was as if I was the first one in his life telling him about those terms”. 

“Was he taking notes or something?”. 

Kuroo shares a short laugh, but my question was genuine. I mean, it’s Tsukki; this man is way too cautious to come empty handed to get a lesson on open relationships.

“Mentally, yeah”. That also works with him. “But he lost interest in getting lecture pretty fast; he preferred to flirt instead”.

I move my chair back and face him.

“He what?”.

“Okay, so, in his defense, I will say I did flirt”. That makes more sense. “He just followed me around. Five more minutes and we even may have kissed”.

“You are joking”. There is no way Tsukki did actually fall for Kuroo. Not that he can pull off anyone he wants; Keiji says he can’t, but I do believe in his skills. But, Tsukki… this man is not an easy one. Was he really that overwhelmed? What the fuck did my friend do!?. “It can’t be. What makes you think you could have kissed?”.

“Two weeks ago, if I would have gotten as close to him as I did yesterday, he would have hit me in the face or push me back”. That’s true. “Yesterday, though, he was paralyzed. Blushing. Sweating. And he couldn’t look away from my charms”.

“You idiot”, I say, and he laughs at my soft rage. “Tell me you didn’t harass him”.

“Who do you think I am!?”. That offends him, even though he is still joyfull. “If I see someone uncomfortable, I step back. You know it”.

“Yeah, but I can’t see Tsukki really being… like that”.

I’m not blaming Kuroo, and my question may have been to stupid, but, last time I saw them together, Tsukki was pretty annoyed to see my friend. It seemed as if he hated him, even. Did that change? Is knowing he is in an open relationship a reason enough for someone to take seriously the flirting of said person?

It can be, to be fair. If he never took him seriously, now he may have. And the truth is always harder to confront than a lie.

“Well, not only he didn’t say no to me, even if he insists he has rejected me many times already. But also he didn’t reject Aka nor you”.

“Wait, you were also talking about us? I mean, when flirting”.

The slow nodding he sends me is surprising.

Normally, Keiji is the one that talks with the people we may be interested in. Depending on who they are, Kuroo may take the lead. It’s never me; unless it’s someone we know because of my job or my role on the volley team, and even then we make sure they know both my boyfriend and friend quite well. 

So, of course I believe him when he says he has flirted with Tsukki… and that he didn’t do it just for himself. Which is, to be honest, unexpected.

“I really thought you were only after him for yourself”, I confess. “Keiji did too. We didn’t think you were trying to set up a four side… date, or whatever”.

My voice tends to get deeper and softer when I’m confused. That implies that some people think I’m sad, mad or worried, but the truth is I’m only analyzing. After so many years one could think Kuroo knows me well enough to not get paranoid at my mood changes, but he is the first one in believing something is going on.

Normally because he thinks he is the one provoking so.

“Is Aka mad?”, he says. That’s what brings me down to Earth.

“What? About what?”. Sometimes I space out so bad I don’t even know what’s going on when I come back from the clouds.

“Me, flirting with Tsukki”.

Wait. Did I make him believe Keiji is angry at him because he is taking seriously flirting with Tsukishima? Damn it, when did I give that impression?

“No!”, I quickly say. “No, man, what the fuck?”. His back straights up as he brings his hands up to ask for forgiveness. “You know he doesn’t like him that way. Like, they are friends, and obviously he is attracted to him. But so am I”.

Which is fun, considering all I know about that boy comes from my boyfriend or from short meetings at the end of their class. Keiji, on the other hand, has been side by side with him for six years, so his interest comes from a deeper bond.

Still, we both know Kuroo pretty well. He may have been quite unaware of his existence till now, but it looks like he caught his eye out of a sudden. And being that close to our friend implies we know when he’s after someone for a one night stand, and when he really wants to try something more. Especially if that could get us both in the pack, too.

“Man, you are the one that can go further with him, not us”, I remind him. “None of us could get mad at you trying”.

“Wow, slow down”. Both his hands are now trying to push me away. Metaphorically. “No one is talking about getting married or anything. I’m just getting to know him. If he lets me to, of course. But…”

“But, if he accepts, it can still work out, right?”. My question is sincere, and his silence is too. Is he really telling me he hasn’t thought about it?. “Don’t worry about us, man. If you like him; go after him. Just, please, be respectful. Because if he actually says no to you and you insist, that may affect Keiji and then he may get mad to…”.

“Yeah”. He is aware of it. My boyfriend has told him a million times already. “That I know. I was just worried he could be offended, since he’s been trying for so long…”.

“Well, actually, Keiji hasn’t tried”. That’s a point my boy doesn’t fully accept, but that It’s the honest truth. “Yes, he asked him to go out a million times, but not asked him out”. The difference is huge. “And Tsukki is not very sociable. Him not wanting to go to a bar doesn’t mean he wouldn’t want to… make out?”. If I say it out loud, it makes no sense, but I think I’m cooking something with it. Kuroo nods, so he is with me. “That’s why also he may have not been interested in you when he thought you were just fooling around, but now that he knows you can take it seriously… And if somehow he is interested in Keiji or myself…”.

“I think you are going too far again, dude”, he says.

And, as I sigh, I notice he is right.

“Let’s work, then”, I offer. Now my inbox has sixty mails. “Let’s think about it when our mind is more relaxed”. He likes my idea and brings his laptop’s screen up to copy me. Before we are both focused on our work, I give him a side eye for over half a minute. “Kuroo”, I call. He turns his face towards me. The hazel eyes of my friend are so red I really want to send him home to his man so he can rest. “You like Tsukki?”, I ask.

He didn’t expect that question. His mind starts to space out as he tries to answer.

“I guess”, he says. There is no worry in his gaze. “It’s soon to talk, but I obviously like what I’ve seen. I find him… interesting. He reminds me of Kenma somehow”.

“How so?”.

“He is too clever, but he is a mess at controlling his emotions”. That puts a smile on his face as he goes back to his pc. “When Kenma and I were still friends, you know he couldn’t catch up with my flirting. He embarrassed himself all the time, denying he was into me and going to Shoyo instead. Tsukishima looks a bit like that; you can’t catch him off guard in any matter, but when it comes to feelings, I think he is lost”. 

Kenma and Kuroo have been my best friends since high school. Therefore, I know how much Kenma loved him back then, how much he enjoyed the way my other friend had to approach him all the time… and how messy he was to fight back. Also, I know how Kuroo feels and thinks when the casanova mask falls down: he loves deeply, he takes things very seriously, and he has never, ever, hurt Kenma or would hurt him somehow. Not while being himself. They are perfect for each other, and I can see why he sees his boy in Tsukki. 

Keiji has also said it a few times these past years: he feels too much, but can’t come up with a word to describe what goes on inside his body. Sadly for him, he is now falling in the trap of someone that was born to love and feel. At first it may looks like he is making fun of him, but the truth is, Kenma just learned how to express himself thanks to Kuroo’s support.

If that means Tsukki will find out what his emotions are, then I’m happy they crossed paths somehow. And I know Keiji will be too.

“I just wonder if I can do something so he finds himself out”, he adds.

Instead of adding more to the matter, I decide to nod and step back. So far I got enough information about what’s currently going on between my two partners in crime and Tsukki. Hopefully, as Kuroo says, this boy stops panicking sooner than later. 

***

When I manage to send Kuroo home, it is almost lunch time. That means he is not coming with me and our teacher. He will regret it later, but I had to take drastic measures so I made sure he rests for what’s left of the day: I called Kenma, I told him to come pick him up. If he sees his boy getting out of home just to go after him, Kuroo could do whatever he is asked to. And that implies going back to bed.

So, with my friend resting as he should, and my boyfriend already studying in Fukurodani’s common room on his free afternoon, I decide to say goodbye to my partner for lunch and head towards Keiji’s campus even though I know he is not there.

I’m not looking for him, after all. And that’s something that will for sure surprise my prey today.

I get into the library after visiting some other places, and it takes me ten minutes to find Tsukki in one of the upper corridors. He has his shoulder bag open with a few books, and he is picking some others from the shelves, even though not all of them seem that interesting. He is wearing a light yellow sweater, and a brown shirt right beneath. The neck of it matches his dun jeans and also his boots. Already in autumn mood, I guess. 

Instead of going directly towards him, I choose the opposite corridor, the one in front of the shelf he is checking right now. When I get to the exact point he is looking in, I bring my head to the shelves and wait till he pulls of a book to say hi.

“Tsukki!”, I yell.

I try to understand what he screams, but I don’t think it’s our language.

Two books fall down, and he crashes against a trolly full of boxes he has on his back. The noise is notorious. I hear someone hissing at us from afar, and I quickly make my way to Tsukishima just in case he got a stroke or something.

“Hey, you okay?”, I whisper. 

He is sweating and, so far, I think he hates me.

“Are you crazy?!”. Even if he yells at me, his voice is barely noticeable. “For fuck’s sake, Bokuto, don’t do that ever again”.

“Sorry, I wanted to be fun”. His gaze behind his eyes tells I was all but funny. “Sorry, honestly. Are you okay?”.

“I guess”. He finally lets go of his sweater. He was grabbing the fabric over his heart. “What did you want? Akaashi is not here”.

“I know; he is back at our frat”. That confuses him. “I just wanted to check on you. How are you doing?”.

“Before you appeared and scared me, I guess I was fine”. I pout so he knows I’m sorry, but I’m afraid that won’t work out. “Is that all?”.

“Well, I thought we could talk”. He didn’t expect that. “But I can leave, if you want. If you are busy, or totally not in the mood to talk with me, I can…”.

“No, it’s fine”. Even if his words come out pretty fast, he doesn’t sound secure of them. “I’m going crazy trying to find some old copies in here. I can rest for a bit”.

That’s better than expected, so I decide to smile at him and wait till he leads the way to a cozier area, also more reserved. There is no one around, no more than two girls on the far back checking something on their laptop. We have at least eight tables to choose with, and he goes for one next to a window. Days are getting shorter now, Keiji and I normally like wintery days, but seeing the sky so dark already reminds me of Kuroo and how much he prefers summer over this.

This morning was sunny. Truth is, clouds made their way here and the sun went off.

“So, how are you doing?”, I ask.

He is piling books on a tower over the table.

“Me? Fine, still”. Just like before when I asked the first time. “Eh… you?”.

“Fine! My trip this weekend was cool. I got to talk in a conference, which usually makes me think no one will want to listen to me, but they did. I got so many questions asked. We needed extra time, even”.

I tend to tell way more than what people expect from me. I’m not embarrassed of doing so; I love to hear people talking about the things they like, and I usually think they do too. If it’s not the case, then they can let me know and I will shut up. Thankfully, I get surrounded by people that listen and also talk.

I wonder if Tsukki would fit in that group.

“What was the conference about? Akaashi told me you were leaving, but I have no idea about the topic or…”.

“It wasn’t that interesting, or at least for people outside the field: advances in new livestock farming models in modern areas, especially near the sea or big lakes and the use of its waters”. Someone not used to those topics would nod and move out. Tsukki, instead, does the first but stays in place. 

“Sounds interesting to me”, he says. “I don’t think I would be the perfect listener, but I could totally read about it”.

“Would you?”. That’s unexpected.

“I mean. I don’t do many conferences, but when I do, they talk about creatures that disappeared million years ago”. Yeah, that’s true. “I suppose yours include actual animals, not dinosaurs”. 

“I think people like dinosaurs more than farming”. And farming is not even my main field. It’s not even close at all, since I work on physics. But the model we were treating had to do with our uni and department, and they wanted me to host it. 

“But I don’t talk about how cool they were or how scary they sounded. I may give a one hour long speech of how one dinosaur dregs were heavier than others and explain why based on the plants they were eating back then”.

I wonder if he got the same feeling I do know when listening to him, but when it was me telling him about my conference. So far, I’m fascinated.

“Have you done one about that?”, I ask, and he nods. “Damn, I wish I was there!”.

He laughs, it’s not a long nor noisy sound, but enough for me to feel my stomach flinching. Was I… funny to him? Did I really make Kei Tsukishima enjoy our conversation?

Oh, lord, I need to tell Keiji and Kuroo as soon as possible.

“It’s actually cool, because”, he keeps talking, “I have a friend that would have loved to be in your conference”. 

“Oh, how come?”.

“Tadashi; he is studying environmental engineering, and he has done a few works already on farming models to help the environment”. My eyes start shining bright, I can feel it. “I can let him know, if you…”.

“Yes! That would be so cool”. Jeez, I love to talk about those things. “Who is he?”.

I think I know the name; Keiji has mentioned it before, and Kenma too, but it’s not till Tsukki’s face turns a bit reddish that I remember who that boy is.

Damn it.

“My… well. My close friend. We live together”.

Yeah, his no-boyfriend. Oh, okay. Well, Kotaro, time to move on.

“So, dinosaurs”, I bring that back. Tsukki frowns as he notices I’m not really wise at changing the topic. “Could they open doors like in Jurassic Park if they would still be alive?”.

“If they would exist still, there wouldn’t be any doors; we wouldn’t exist, either”. Fair enough. “I don’t think you came to ask me about velociraptors, right?”. 

“No”, let’s be honest. “Actually, I just wanted to talk with you. In general”. His brows are still frowning, as his glasses have come down a tiny bit around his nose bridge. His eyes are usually beautiful with a crystal in front. Without it, they look even brighter. I lose track of time for a little while as he waits for my words to come. “I’ve been told you are not dealing quite well with all of this”.

“What’s all of this?”.

“Me and Keiji being into you”. I see his Adam’s apple going up and down. Kuroo and Keiji were right when they said he literally panics when talking about feelings. “And about Kuroo being after you, too”.

“Isn’t that a common thing?”, he asks me. “Why do you separate it?”.

“Because, as you know already, Keiji and I are not interested in you the same way Kuroo is, right?”. His silence doesn’t clarify anything at all. “You do, right?”.

“If you expect a proper answer from me, I’m afraid I can’t give you one”. I’m the one frowning now. “I’m still confused about it all. You two liking me somehow, Kuroo…”, he waves his hand in the air, and says nothing. “Whatever he is doing”. 

“Can I know why?”.

“It was unexpected”, he says. “To me, you both were like the perfect couple, I didn’t expect something like…”.

“Wait, why do we liking you change that? Are we less perfect to you because of it?”. His chests inflates with a deep inhale, but says nothing afterward. “We are the same”.

“Yeah”, he quickly responds. “I didn’t mean it that way”.

“Then, could you explain?”.

They say he’s not good at expressing himself and his emotions. I’m gonna test it.

“I just… I guess I thought the ideal couple would be or loyalty, fidelity and a monogamous life style. That’s all”.

“Well, so far you described us”. He doesn’t understand it as I do. “We are loyal to each other, fidelity means everything to us, and we are for sure only dating each other and will only date each other”. His eyes travel south and get lost in the floor. “Is being open to have sex with others a trait that can fight with those things?”.

“I suppose I always thought it would”. I nod as I listen. “I’m just too fogy, don’t take me seriously. I didn’t even know what being polyamorous was”. 

“Then, let me help you understand that, then”, he brings his gaze up to me. “I will marry Keiji some day, hopefully next year when he leaves uni and I get to be an intern in my department. We trust each other, we are loyal to each other and tell each other everything that could interfere with our relationship. We have our rules, our boundaries. We respect them and, if somehow we cross them, we talk about it and fix it”. He shows no reaction to that. “I’m deeply in love with him, I’ve never loved anyone as I do love him, and never will”. Those words impact him to the point of hiding himself from me again. “Is that too much?”.

“No”, he says. “Sorry, it’s just… Overwhelming”. I guess it can be seen like that. “You and Kuroo speak so freely about your feelings towards Kenma and Akaashi, it’s hard for me to catch up”. That puts a smile on my face. “Also, it’s hard for me to understand how he could love someone else at the same time, or how could you like me if you love him that much”.

“Because I’ve learned how to love on a way that suits me and suits Keiji”. It’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. “I can love people, I do love people. Kuroo, Kenma… I love them deeply. But I’m only in love with Keiji, and that can’t change. Same with that, I can feel attracted to many boys. I can enjoy sex with them, and that doesn’t mean I stop loving Keiji at any time”.

“You mean infidelities aren’t real?”.

“Not at all. I just say that if you come into terms with your partner and you both know what you want and what you like, being together is the most incredible thing that can happen to you”. I feel like his deep breath gets interrupted by some shake. “If you fail to your loyalty, fidelity and rules, then you are not being faithful. Usually that means cheating on your partner with someone else through sex or having an affair. In us could mean something else”. He nods. “In you, too”. 

“I don’t even think I know what being loyal to myself is”, he confesses. “But I guess I just need time to understand. I don’t… judge you. I obviously believe what you say, and understand there are more ways of loving or being in a relationship that the ones I knew, but, God, it’s way too much for me to deal with”. I guess so. “I can’t even believe I needed six years to know that from my friend, and I did so because he is supposed to be into me”. 

“He is”, I clarify, which doesn’t make things better. “But, please, don’t think he is in love with you or something like that. Keiji loves you as a friend, and he likes you… Well, like…”.

“Yeah, I think I know how”. He gets all flushed and I smile. “You too, right?”.

“Yeah”. I have no shame in admitting so. “I’ve always thought you are cute, and I like your sarcasm. That attracts me”. Of course, he says nothing. “Sorry, I’m normally quite open minded when it comes to my feelings, I like to share them”.

“I can see that”. 

He is totally not comfortable with the idea.

“Sorry, I won’t do that again”. He nods, grateful. “Unless you ask me to”. Instead of moving to another topic, I prefer to let everything closed perfectly. “Look, Tsukki, I came because I know you are worried about Keiji, and because Kuroo’s interest in you is also driving you quite crazy. And I only wanted to let you know that it doesn’t matter if it’s one or the other, or even me; nothing we feel or think of you is bad. Not for us nor for you”. Again, I get zero reaction. “We would love to get to know you better, even Keiji, who has been closer to you for years. But we know you may not be interested. So all I wanted was to make sure you know this is fine. We are fine with this”. I saw a short frown attempting with coming up. “I don’t know if you fear feeling something back, or that we do feel something to start with. If you idealized us as a couple, or Kuroo and Kenma… Trust me, you only make things better for us”. I get a bit closer to him. “Even just as a friend, in case you thought this was all about sex and making out”.

He is grateful for my words because a soft smile betrays him and confirms me so.

Damn, this is hard. I can’t believe Kuroo deals with this so much easier than I do.

“So, just to make it clear again, Tsukki”, I say as I stand up, “we like you. A lot. And the three of us like you in different ways, but they are all so valid”. He doesn’t deny. “So, if you ever get to like us somehow back, any of us, we would be so happy to hear tell us you about it”. I don’t expect him to say something now, but I’m glad he doesn’t refuse to think about it.

As Kuroo said, he doesn’t say no. No rejection is shown. So, there is still a chance.

Jeez, I really like this guy. He is brave, even if he thinks himself of a coward. No one that has been used to such a different lifestyle than ours has managed to accept this so soon. Not everyone decides to stay and find out what’s more, instead of pulling back and moving on.

“I will let you study now”, I say as I palm his shoulder. “But just so you know, you can always accept one of those… dates, Keiji was always proposing to you”. I feel his body shaking in a short laugh. “I know you like volley, maybe that’s a way to start out”. 

Maybe that’s the beginning of a new story to talk about.

Chapter Text

YAMAGUCHI

October always brings changes to our routine. Sometimes we are not even aware of them, but seeing how effective they are on people that surround us is what make us realize summer is finally over. Even if it ended a few weeks ago, especially to me, since I’m a cold person and I’m always freezing. Tobio and Shoyo have reduced their trainings because their studies are getting serious. Therefore, autumn is already here and fun is somehow over.

Even though no one would say it by the attitude we are showing today.

“Sun is just… so cozy…”, Shoyo says while sliding more and more on his chair. We are at the terrace of one of the coffee shops of their campus. Kei and I came to meet with them, because they were so tired to move. Both Tobio and him look like cats melting under the sun.

“How is the sun going to be cozy?”, Kei asks.

I understand my two friends; the three of us had to wake up pretty early today for different reasons, but Kei’s enjoying his free class day. He came to drink with us as a midday breakfast… while we are already in our third coffee of the day.

“It makes me feel cozy”, Shoyo complains. “Can’t I!?”.

“You can, but the sun can’t be cozy”. 

I send him a side eye to ask him to stop, even though I do so with a smile. Kei is having fun making them nervous, so it’s not that serious anyway.

“Well you understood what I said, damn it!”, my ginger friend cries out. 

At least he has finally sat with his back straight to the chair. I was scared he was going to fall down… just like Tobio is about to do.

“Will you guys go to train now?”, I ask so I bring my friend back to life.

“I can’t…”, he mutters. Wow, he must be tired. “Sleepy…”. An intense growl comes from his stomach. “Hungry…”. 

“We can ask something to share”.

“If we eat now, we won’t have lunch later”, Shoyo says.

“Are you both kids?”, Kei goes at it again.

Automatically, both wake up from their exhaustion and lean over the table to get closer to him. I jump back, because that was fast. Kei, on the other hand, is smiling with his chin resting on top of his crossed hands.

“We are grown ups!”, they both say at the same time. “Can’t you leave us alone?!”, Shoyo still cries out. “Jeez, you are annoying us way too much today”.

Actually, he is not wrong. Even if Kei laughs at his criticism, he can’t fight back because… it’s true. I don’t know what happens, but this week has been quite a rollercoaster when it comes to his mood. He’s been totally fine with me, at least in private, but once we meet with them or Hitoka, he changes into a defensive attitude that normally takes shape of jokes, friendly insults and provocation. It’s been over teen years of us all knowing each other, way more of him and I being friends. Still, it seems as if I was the only one aware of those mood changes… and even though I’m aware of them, I don’t always know where they come from. Work, some exam or project, a fight with his brother or mere migraines. It can be anything; there was once his whole humor changed because he got into a fight with Tobio and, strangely, no one of them understood why it happened.

It can be whatever thing that is unpredicted to him or that is getting too far from what he expected. But, if he doesn’t share it, there is no way I can know.

“Look at you both”, he tells them. “Finally awake”.

Well, that’s right; he got them so irritated they finally woke up. If that was his intention… I guess we will never know.

“Fuck you”, Tobio says, and then stands up. “It’s better if we get going”, he tells his boyfriend. “Or we will be late”. 

“More walking? Come on…”.

Apparently, they had to travel around the psychology library for one hour and a half, and all for nothing: the book they were searching was in biology’s building.

“It was your idea, not mine”. Tobio complains.

Before he gets angrier, just like a baby with no enough sleep, Shoyo stands up and we all do the same. I leave the menu behind; I guess I won’t have a midday snack as I wanted.

They move away from the table way faster than we do, just because they are still blaming each other for their upcoming plan, and that has nothing to do with us. Therefore, I wait for Kei to pick up his backpack and bring out his headphones. That means he is not coming to Karasuno with me, which I didn’t know.

“Plans for lunch?”, I ask.

“Not really”. He talks to me as he looks for some tunes on his phone. “The group project; it was today”.

Oh, yes. That unlucky mix his teacher decided on in which he has to join to random people from his class to do an easy on an specific topic. Apparently, the three of them were unable to find another time to meet other than today at lunchtime. Which sucks, to be fair, because it’s the third time since we started classes that Kei has to come on Friday, even though that was supposed to be his free day.

“Damn, I’m sorry”, I joke.

He stares at me over his glasses and shares a vile smile.

“Yeah, sure”. I was smiling too, so he didn’t take me too seriously. “Are you going back to the laboratory?”, he asks me.

“No, my day is over”. I bring my arms up and stretch my back as a moan. “I think it’s nap day”. I send him another side eye. “Do you want me to sleep for you?”.

“I beg you”.

Then he attempts to grab my hand, but it’s just a fleeting touch that leaves a soft and tender sensation behind. He walks by the opposite direction from where Tobio and Shoyo are heading to, and since my two friends are still quite close, I decide to go with them. Before I reach their position, I’ve already brought my hand to my lips as a reflex action.

“Well, but that doesn’t imply anything!”, Shoyo says. “He was in a better mood the other day. Or, at least he didn’t make fun of us that hardly”.

“Are you talking about Kei?”, I ask.

Both of them turn their face towards me.

“You weren’t here when we started psychoanalyzing him, no defense allowed!”, Shoyo says. I shake my hands in front of me to protect myself.

“Okay, okay!”. Damn it, one can’t have an opinion these days. “I just wanted to say he is not being rude to you on purpose, okay? He always acts like that when there is something going on that worries him”.

“Yes, which is actually curious”, Tobio says. “Why making fun of loved ones make him feel better with himself? Is that a way of thinking nothing is that serious if he can still have joy? Or is it because he wants to lie to his brain with some kind of serotonin to cover up the anxiety and sadness?”.

They both look too serious as they walk. The fact that Shoyo has grabbed his boy by the arm and also synchronized his walking makes it even funnier.

“Could you please not psychoanalyze your friend?”, I say, almost laughing.

“His brain is a mine of gold”, Tobio insists. “This year he seems even wilder. Do you think he would let us do a study of him? With just a few sessions, we could…”.

“Of course not”. Actually, Kei would kill them if he knew how they analyze him.

He has enough not understanding his own emotions sometimes. Seeing close friends doing it for him… That would drive him mad.

“Then, we only have the few proofs and crumbs he leaves on the way”, Shoyo says. I trust him more than Tobio in this, because at least my ginger friend does it so he can help Kei. Tobio just want to tear his brain apart for the fun of being a psychologist. “He has no exams, this semester looks good for him… So of course the only thing that can be tormenting him has to be about his friends”.

Okay. That was… unexpected. I mean, yes, his mood change started when everything that had to do with Kuroo and Akaashis exploded, but… It’s been a week. Almost, actually. He told me on Monday it was all fine, so, what’s the matter now? 

And why do Shoyo and Tobio think so?

“You seem pretty sure about that…”, I comment.

“Well, he has done something pretty unusual this week: he has asked me about my friendship with Kuroo and since when do I know Bokuto”. Wait, what?. “He never asks me anything about my friends or colleagues. It was quite surprising!”.

He really did? I’m shocked. Of course, it’s nothing to be worried about. If so, I’m happy he decided to look for answers instead of keeping everything to himself, but… As Shoyo says, that’s not what he normally does. Therefore, his current situation with them must be more turbulent that what I thought at first. If not, why worrying about other people’s opinions or experiences with them?

“Do we need to bring anything?”, Tobio asks his boyfriend when they have moved on from Kei’s topic. “Last time he had only food for one ready, I don’t want to cook again”.

“That’s cause Kuroo didn’t know we were going; if so, he doesn’t cook so we can order”.

I’ve spaced out till I’ve heard that name again. Now, this has nothing to do with Kei.

“Wait, are you going to see Kenma?”, I ask. Both answer to me by nodding. “Do you think he would mind if I join?”. I’ve talked way too fast. They look impressed by my proposal, because I usually don’t do such things. “I have nothing to do…”. 

“Sure!”, Shoyo finally says. “I bet he’s fine with it”. 

If not, I’m afraid my presence in there is gonna be quite uncomfortable.

***

I was hungry when being on HQ University, but once we arrive to Kenma’s house, I think I could eat a whole cow. I won’t be the one that will bring the lunch topic to the table, especially because I wasn’t even invited to be here. Therefore, once the host receives us, I just hope he is okay with me being here.

“Sure”, he says. “Come in”.

Kenma always looks as if he just woke up. The truth is, he was streaming five minutes ago. His usual time is in the mornings and through the afternoons; he chose that timing because, firstly, his worldwide fans are used to that schedule and, secondly, that means he is free on evenings and nights times when Kuroo is back at home or, at least, not in class. 

“Are we alone?”, Shoyo asks as he takes off his sneakers.

“Yes. Kuroo won’t be here till tonight”.

Since it’s Friday, that means his boy is coming home for the weekend.

“How was the livestream today?”, his friend insists in asking.

Tobio and I, on the other hand, are just following them around. We all end up on the living room, sitting on the main sofa while he takes place on a divan. Their house is… spectacular. I just dream with being able to buy something like this. They have two floors, basement, attic… Garden, pool, garage… Meanwhile, I’ve been six years living on a room with two beds stuck together. 

I love my career, I really hope I can dedicate my life to that field, but, damn it, I wish I was good with videogames too, or be as charismatic as Kenma is.

The streams I’ve seen of him, he totally looks like another person. Not that he is fake or anything, but, he is so passionate he lets his love go out and it’s so beautiful to see.

“I had scheduled a sponsored game, so I really didn’t have much freedom to do was I wanted; I had to try a few moods and platforms so they don’t get mad. Which, by the way”. 

He stands up and asks us for a second as he runs to the stairs that go to the upper floor. I think it’s the first time I see Kenma running other than when he joins us to train some volley. 

He comes back carrying a few small boxes.

“There”, he throws them at each of us. “I got sent a few earbuds, the best one of the market. Sadly I don’t use such small ones, so you can have them”. 

“Wow!”, Shoyo is fascinated. “How is that you got that many?”.

“Each pair is one different color. I’m giving away one for my subscribers, but I kept the others. I gave Kuroo the red ones, and Aka got the turquoise. Bokuto doesn’t use them, he prefers big ones like I do”.

“Oh, I got the orange ones!”, Shoyo says. “It will look as if I didn’t wear anything because of my hair”. He really is pure happiness right now.

Tobio, that got some dark blue ones, is trying to guess how they work.

“People will think you don’t shave your ears”, he tells his boy.

Shoyo turns to face him with red cheeks.

“Well, now I don’t want them orange!!!”. And takes the blue ones from his boy’s hands and change them. I think I’m the only one that sees Tobio’s smile.

He always chooses orange things because they remind him of Shoyo.

As I open mine, I see they are in a metallic bronze, which I love. I like to use big and small earbuds, so, I can totally make them work on my routine.

“Thanks, Kenma”, I tell him.

Right when I’m about to ask about the sponsorship, he throws me a second box.

“You can give them to Tsukki”, he says. “I know he always wear big ones too, but I’ve seen him using earbuds for studying sometimes”. That’s true. His are golden, and he for sure will love them.

Will be giving them to him a reason for Kei to panic? Like, I know this is just a present, but, it comes from Kenma. And since he is quite anxious about anything related to the two couples… Our friend doesn’t really look worried at all; he actually doesn’t care, he is already talking with Tobio about how to make them work. Apparently, they are of course out of battery, and Shoyo is laughing at him because he thought his pair was broken.

That joke turns the topic into a new one. When I want to take part of it, I notice I’m so out I don’t even know where it comes from… or where it goes. I sadly can’t stop thinking about Kei’s attitude lately. So far, it looks like I’m the only one not worried about him at all. As if, for some reason, I would see a side of him no one does… or as if he would be hiding that supposed worries from me.

I wouldn’t think such a thing if it wasn’t because we are well known to all of them as a “ pair of close friends that avoid delicate conversations ”. Is that the case? Is Kei really acting different with me… just to be open with everyone else?

There is a moment in which Kenma stands up to go to the kitchen and order some food. Again, I’m so spaced out I don’t know what are we getting, and the worst thing is that I remember myself nodding to whatever they offered me to choose. Still, I’m aware of how Tobio and Shoyo are now playing with their new earbuds, only charged enough to get them turned on. That means Kenma is alone. 

I decide to stand up and go after him. He is on the phone, I wait till the call is over.

“They will be here in twenty minutes”, he says, about whatever delivery service we are getting for lunch. “Do you want something already? We have chips, or olives if you…”.

“Actually, I wanted to talk with you. In private”. I lower down my voice so he knows I don’t want the couple involved. He is surprised; we are friends, but I wouldn’t say we are as close as we both can be with the other two. Still, I’m glad he leaves his phone on the counter and gives me his full attention. “It’s about Tsukki, actually…”. 

Calling him by his nickname is already exposing me. I only do so when we are not around Shoyo, Tobio or Hitoka. Kei is too personal, I only use it when we are alone or with our close circle. Kenma… I’m afraid he is not. Not because of me, but because of Kei.

He is totally aware of that, I’m afraid. Current problems with him came from actually noticing how distant he was from the rest.

“Okay?”, he says. “What’s the deal?”.

“I don’t know”. I scratch my nape because I’m actually nervous. It’s that or biting my nails, and I prefer not to; Kei can see that easily, and I don’t want to worry him. “Shoyo says he is acting strange lately. This week, to be specific”. He nods to my words. The black clothes he is wearing intimidate me for some reason. “He says Tsukki has asked him about Kuroo and Bokuto, and… I just, I don’t mind, honestly, but I would like to know what’s going on inside his head so I can help him. And I was wondering, since Kuroo is involved, that you may know too”.

“Why are you asking me instead of asking him?”.

Well, we are not called the “ pair of close friends that avoid delicate conversations ” for nothing, aren’t we?

“I don’t want him to think I’m intrusive”. I pause for a second. “Or jealous”.

“Okay, so this has to do with Kuro and Bokuto being interested in him”. It takes me a few seconds, but I finally nod. Even though, I’m not sure if it is only that. “Well, as far as I know, they are all fine”. I have no idea what that means, a for a long second I understand it as if Kei would have already made out with all of them. The picture recreated in my mind is quite confusing. “Aka told me they are still friends, they talk normally. And Bokuto and Kuro…”. He shrugs. “I guess they are fine with him too”. If that’s the case, then I don’t know what can be Kei’s problem. Apparently, Kenma does. “Are you worried because you think he may be interested in them too?”.

Oh, wow.

Well. 

Actually…

Damn it, it’s true that I just literally panicked because I thought of it, but the truth is, I didn’t even think that could be the case. Like, I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve feared it, while supposing it’s actually impossible. He doesn’t like commitment, he refuses to get into a relationship. How could he do so with three people… at the same time?

Of course, it’s none of my business. Since we are not together, he has the complete right to do so. But… A strong pressure takes my heart as I stay in silence. When I look up, Kenma is staring right at me.

“Are you worried he could give them a try, after rejecting you for so long?”.

My breath breaks into clumsy inhales. I blink way too fast, and I feel a bit dizzy. Even though I smile, I don’t think the grin looks sincere.

I’m cold again. I don’t think I brought enough clothes today.

“I thought Tobio and Shoyo were the psychologist”, I joke. Kenma takes it way too seriously, and he doesn’t even share half a smirk. “I suppose, yes”. 

Especially, since everyone seems to see how worried he is about this topic, but he hides it from me somehow. Is he, actually? I shouldn’t come up to that conclusion just because I’ve heard Shoyo talking about how he asked him about Kuroo and Bokuto. It was me the one he told about their relationship status. He came to me to talk about their interest. So, actually, I’m not being left behind.

Am I just paranoid? For fuck’s sake, this sucks.

“I didn’t even know it was that… real”, I say. “That they were really into him”.

“It looks like. I knew from Aka and Bokuto, but Kuro’s was so sudden, he hid it from me because I thought I would get defensive over Tsukki”. 

“You don’t… You don’t mind at all?”.

I’m embarrassed right now. I've known they have an open relationship for years, but right now, it’s as if this would be new to me.

“Why would I?”. His face shows total trust on his boyfriend and completely confusion towards me. “I usually prefer when Kuro likes someone I know, because that helps me to guess if they are fitting or not”. I really hope he doesn’t tell me if they do, because I don’t want to know.

“That’s why you guys get along with Bokuto and Akaashi?”, I ask. His little frowning makes me gulp. “I mean, I don’t know what kind of relationship you guys have. Tsukki told me a bit about it, but…”.

“We are just friends”, he clarifies. “Are you really asking me about or sex life?”.

“No, no!”, I wave my hands in from of me. “Sorry, I’m just…”. I’m scratching my nape again. “Damn. I suppose his is suffocated about all of this because it was all so abrupt, but I’m also quite shocked, because if he is really interested, I don’t know…”.

So far, when I decided to come to talk with Kenma, all I feared was getting bad news. The truth is, I didn’t get news at all, but realizing what would I consider as bad ones is tormenting me inside. 

I don’t notice I’m almost tearing up until Kenma gets closer.

“Yams”, he calls me, so I come back down to Earth. “If that worries you, you should tell him. You know?”. Yeah, sadly I do, but being open about my feelings isn’t something I’m allowed to do. Not because of him, but because of me, so I don’t hurt myself more than what I do already. “You should let him know that’s painful”. 

“What for?”. My voice sounds broken. “So he can remind me we are not together?”.

It wouldn’t be fair for him, either. I have no right to tell him he shouldn’t do one thing or the other just because I would be jealous. Yes, of course I’m free to let him know how I feel about it, but… If I’m still so attached to him, it’s because I want to. He has been clear about it, for so many years. If he now finds out he likes other people… Who am I to complain?

Who am I to tell him to stay with me, if after a whole life together, I haven’t been enough for him to think about it not even once?

“The doorbell is ringing”, Kenma says. “I guess they’ve come earlier”.

He palms my arm and goes to get the food. I need a few more seconds before I manage to bring myself back to the living room. Otherwise, my two psychologist friends will totally know what’s going on with me in a second. 

***

Tobio and I come back to Karasuno right after lunch. Shoyo stays with Kenma because they are going to play some videogames, but both of us are quite sleepy, and I can’t say no to a nap. Also, I think it will make me feel better. Eating with my friends was nice. After talking with Kenma, I managed to leave Kei aside, but now that I’m on my way to be alone again, I highly doubt I will get to do so any longer.

Especially if when I get to our room, he is already back.

“Oh”, I say. “I didn’t expect you here”. 

He is sitting on his desk, in front of his laptop, working on some file.

“My classmates suck”, he says. “I couldn’t stay there any longer”. I go there and rub his hair right before I hand him the earbuds Kenma gave me for him. “What’s that?”.

“Kenma’s gift. He gave us all a few ones”. 

“I didn’t know you were going with them”.

“Yeah, it was a last second decision”. Which is not false at all. “So, are you doing the project on your own?”, I ask as I sit on the bed. He is still analyzing the earbuds when he shakes his head.

“I sadly will have to work with them once more”.

“Sorry”. He shrugs. “Wouldn’t you able to work with Akaashi?”.

“He doesn’t go in this class”. Oh, true, they don’t share all of them. “I wish he did; I would have totally preferred him to anyone else”.

To anyone else .

“ Stop it, Tadashi. He is not talking about you right now ” .

This can’t continue like this. I can’t be losing my mind over minor things just because I’m insecure when it comes to us. Kenma said I have to talk with him. Yes, he totally will get mad, but, as he has the right to be angry, I do so to open myself to him.

And if this means we are over, whatever that means between us, so be it.

“So, Kei…”.

“Actually”, he talks at the same time as me, and since his voice was louder, I bring myself down, “I was thinking something. Not class related, but… About Akaashi”. My stomach flinches and I lose my breath. “Bokuto offered me to go train with them some day. Volley, you know?”. He is still checking his earbuds, so he can’t see me nodding. Thank God, because I think I’m tearing up again. “I may… Well. I may go. And give it a try”. 

Train with them. With Bokuto, Akaashi… and Kuroo. I know the three of them like Kei, but for some reason, is Kenma’s boyfriend the one that stays in my mind the longest. Is he even thinking of Kuroo when telling me this? Or his mind can’t come up with only one?

Is he even talking about volley when speaking about giving it a try ?

Doesn’t he mean giving them a try?

“Do you think Tobio and Shoyo will mind?”. As he looks up, I blink as fast as I can. If I’m blushed, hopefully he assumes it’s just because I just come out from outside. “If I play volley with someone else”.

Our friends would be surprised if they knew Kei cares about this. But I don’t.

“They will be fine”, I say. “Really”.

“And you?”. That question takes me by surprise. “Will you be fine?”.

Kenma’s voice comes back to me as Kei tries to connects his earbuds to his phone. I should tell him they are out of battery, and also tell him I won’t be fine at all. The first thing, he will discover on his own. The second one…

I’m about to answer when my phone vibrates. I pick it up, I need a distraction right now, or a sign that tells me what to do or what to do not. Instead, there is a message from Hitoka. She is telling me something that, at first, I ignore. Then, it makes me frown.

Hitokee 👸

Guess who is coming back to HQ this month?! [14.20]

When I keep reading, I’m quite shocked. I even forget Kei’s still waiting for me.

“Yeah”, I answer. “It’s totally fine”.

The truth is, I will not be fine, but sometimes it’s better if we don’t say what’s up in our minds so things don't get worse. So far, he doesn’t need to know I’m unfairly jealous about his possible relationship with other people. Also, it’s better if I don’t tell him Hitoka just informed me about one of my exboyfriends come back to town. Especially since he hates him. Especially, since doing so would be completely ironic.

Chapter Text

KUROO

This hell of a week has finally come to an end. For some reason, the first days of October are always a nightmare in our department. It’s as if people would have noticed we are not on holidays anymore just now, and they start pushing you to the limit, as if they forgot we are all human beings too. Therefore, Friday’s are a nice pressure relief.

I can’t wait to be back home. Even if I may have to come on Sunday again this time, I really need to stay in bed for hours, cook yummy and warm food and hug Kenma till I fall asleep again. I’m supposed to have more free time next year, once we get our PhD, but, damn, I’m starting to doubt I will be that lucky. Not even genius Bokuto will have that much freedom once we sign a contract and we are forced to work for a living.

But that’s still a year ahead from now. Today I’m not one of those physics everyone knows about around campus, even though I totally feel like that when I’m walking away from it and everybody’s eyes stare at me. This is my best friend’s fault. I don’t mind fame, but, can it be related to something that doesn’t imply working extra hours?

Once I step on the HQ University main road, I’m surrounded by students of all ages and kinds. I cross by some politics’ second year giving some kind of speech around a fountain. They talk about taxes, but clearly have no idea what they are talking about. A few Art girls are drawing the Linguistics building, I suppose as some kind of practice or project, and I envy them, because I can’t even draw two eyes and a mouth inside a circle. My favorite groups are the ones of first years still totally lost on their way back to either their campus or their frat. Even though, the worst part is trying to leave university itself: people that need to take the public transport to go elsewhere suffer the most. There is no easy way to go to Lightlair or other areas around, not without losing your mind on the meantime.

Still, after almost ten years around here, I’m used to every single detail of his place. I know even the hidden secrets of campuses that have nothing to do with me, or know the menus of frats I can’t even step it. I really love this place, even if it’s classist as fuck. But, still, my favorite thing from this has nothing to do with buildings, degrees, mysteries nor random students around. My favorite things, sometimes, are just a dude waiting for me sat on the marble of a fountain inside a roundabout that leads to different campuses of HQ. 

I’m already smiling when I get there and lean over him from his back. My chin rests on his shoulder, as I kiss his temple.

“Hey, cutie”, I say.

Akaashi’s head falls back against my collarbone.

“Finally”, he cries out before yawning deeply. “Sun is almost gone, I though I was gonna fall asleep”. Which is true. 

“There were some politicians giving speeches back there, why didn’t you join them?”. My friend stands up but doesn’t walk. “Don’t you miss it sometimes?”.

“Do you miss having a migraine when you are back to being healthy?”. 

That’s an excellent comparative. 

“No”, I answer, “but I’ve missed you today!”. He knows I’m trying to sound funny because he hates when I bring up that he studied Politics for a year before changing to Art’s History. Since he’s aware of my behaviour, he gives me the fakest smile of all time. “No glasses?”, I touch his nose.

“No, contacts”. I nod and, finally, we start walking. “I didn’t expect to head to training camp so late, so I changed them a while back”.

I sigh the noisier way I can. Still, that doesn’t stop me from smiling.

“I’ve been only twenty minutes late”, I say. “Why hating me so much?”. He does not, so that’s why he doesn’t find an excuse to give me. “Also, I texted you to warn you about my delay, couldn’t you just stay in class with your sweet, kind, clever and fun mate till I could leave the laboratory?”.

His face turns towards me with a clear frown expression.

“Kei’s Friday’s are free, Tesso”, he reminds me.

“But you said he had to come today”.

“But not to work with me. It’s not even our subject together”.

I knew that, but I just wanted to prove he knew who I was talking about.

“Still, I love you didn’t hesitate when guessing I was referring to him”.

Mad at me, Akaashi takes off my blazer from over my shoulder. I had it hanging there, because the lab always makes me feel so warm, with the robe, heaters and hard working. He seems to be cold; the brown jersey he is wearing is not enough for him. Therefore, he uses my blazer as a cover up over his shoulders. I decide to bring him closer to me, placing my right arm over them too.

“IT’s not that you know any other of my mates”, he says. 

“It’s not that you tell me about any other of your mates”.  

“What for? Do you want to charm them too?”. 

Since Bokuto and I talked on Monday, I’ve been pretty anxious about the idea of Akaashi being mad at me for trying so hard with Tsukishima. Of course, I didn’t expect to be so interested in him after our first try, simply because that one wasn’t intentional at all. And even after that, when Kenma and I explained what was going on to him, I couldn’t help but feel attached to that boy. He seems lost, confused and reluctant… but also curious, interested and, of course, charmed. I don’t mean by me, not only at least, or that’s what I want to think, but… Him coming to my office to ask me questions about the four of us made me assume he is so not over this. I have my chance, still. Aka and Bokuto do too. But if that would mean me and my best friends could get into a fight… I would totally step back.

But, Bokuto said I was being stupid. And I obviously was, because they both are not interested in people the way I do. Therefore, we can never collide. Still, that could lead to Akaashi being somehow jealous of me getting more attention from Tsukishima than he does. But I hope he knows that’s not true. That he is aware his friend is curious about all of us.

“Are they cute?”, I ask to keep on with the joke. “They study arts or history, they are for sure intelligent, right? I don’t want more politicians, I had enough with you, sweetie”.

“Wow, that’s rude”.

I expect my friend to say so, but the voice that reaches us comes from our back, literally between the two of us, because a told dude has almost jump into us to stop us. I would push him away if it wasn’t because, actually, I feel like hugging him.

“No way”, I say. “Daichi, man, what are you doing here?!”.

Daichi Sawamura, the only mate Akaashi had in Politics that wasn’t an idiot or a future right winged extremist, that also graduated two years ago but that, apparently, it’s here today. Both my friend and I are shocked to see him here. 

It’s been a long while since we last met. This feels like such a nice surprise.

“I thought I would be welcomed back for a few days”, he says, laying his hands on our shoulders, “but apparently I’m not!”. He literally appeared when I was criticizing his career. Truth is, it was bad timing. “They are doing some conferences and they wanted me to take part in two of them, so I’m staying for the weekend”. 

“That’s nice”, I say. “Are you still living in Lightlair?”.

“Yes, and I come here more often than you know, actually”.

“Come on”, Akaashi complains, “why don’t you tell us about that? We would love to hang out”.

“Because I’m normally busy, and I know you guys are too”. At least Bokuto and I.

But, the truth is, our schedule has allowed us to enjoy our free time more than before. We may have less of it, but when we do, we make good use of it. But, yeah, he left a while ago; he doesn’t know about it, sadly.

“Also”, he keeps saying, “I’m normally forced to go out with the politics department, and… It’s not that I enjoy it at all. I wouldn’t want you to join us, either”. 

“Fuck, you indeed are the only one decent that came out from there”, Akaashi adds.

 And there is no way Daichi can deny so.

“I would lie if I said I don't regret my choices every time I come here”.

Even if he sounds joyful, that’s quite sad. I don’t say a word till he finish hugging us.

“But, you had a good job, didn’t you?”, I ask. “You got a spot in the security ministry”.

“Yeah, and I’m fine there”. He says. “Even though, my intentions are no more than that”. 

That’s exactly what stopped Aka from staying there: seeing that it didn’t really matter what you hoped for the world, there will always be more powerful people cutting your wings. 

“I’m sorry, man”, I say, slapping his chest. “But you look good!”. Really good, actually. When I met him, we were quite rude to each other, because since Akaashi was doing pretty bad in there, I really thought all of his mates were assholes. He was the only good mate, but still, I didn’t trust him… till he started to go out with us, and totally met a different person.

That’s what happens you get to know people better and… deeper.

“You both look good too”, he says, with shiny eyes and quite an exaggerated calm face. Okay, I guess some things never change. “How are Kenma and Bokuto?”.

“Both are fine”, Akaashi says, with a soft smile on his face. 

Thank God Daichi knows us already. Otherwise, he would start telling him how great both are and how proud we are of them. Not that I don’t enjoy showing off boyfriend and bestie, but, this boy next to me could really give a total speech on that. I guess that’s his politician side.

“What about Suga?”, I ask him now. When we was still here, that was his boyfriend, and we really liked him too. Hopefully they are still together. Otherwise…

“Fine”, he says, with a pure smile. “He’s already teaching at a school, and we got married, by the way”.

“What!?”. Automatically, Akaashi brings his hands up to look for a ring. It is, indeed, golden and elegant on his finger. “It’s not that I expected an invitation, but, damn it. Could you at least send a Christmas card letting us know?”. 

Daichi shares a laugh. I’m glad he remembers how his all mate was; you can never take his anger seriously when it comes to topics like this.

“Actually, ah… It’s my fault. You know how I tend to think time and distance makes a huge impact in relationships, so I thought you wouldn’t really care”. Damn, this dude is still dramatic as fuck. He really had nightmares thinking Akaashi wouldn’t talk with him anymore once he moved to Art’s History. 

“Still as stupid as always”, I say, shaking his shoulder. “Congrats for the wedding, whenever that was”.

“Thanks, man”. He palms my lower back. “I’m happy to see you both. Sorry for the interruption, but you crossed by me and I would have hated me if I let you pass without saying a word”.

“I’m glad you did”, Akaashi says.

“I promise next time I come I will let you know”. I know both my friend and I are thinking the same right now: you better do . “And… Well, maybe we can hang out for a bit”, he adds. Now, Akaashi and I are again sharing the same thought. For that, we share a fast glance Daichi can’t catch on time. “See ya, guys”.

He’s about to leave when I stop him.

“By the way!”, I say, a bit louder since we are not close anymore. “You are still in touch with Karasuno frat?”, he used to go there.

“Yeah, sometimes. I still have old mates here. Good old mates”. I love the clarification.

“You know one guy called Kei Tsukishima?”, I say.

Akaashi stares at me with pure anger. 

Daichi is thinking about it.

“Yeah. He is friends with Shoyo Hinata and Tobio Kageyama, and we all know those two”. Of course, the volley players. “He was your friend, wasn’t he?”, he tells Akaashi.

My friend changes his bad mood to some kind of stupid pride. Ah, boy, he is indeed fighting with me over Tsukishima, isn’t he? In a fun way, I love it, actually, but he is.

“Yeah”, he says. “A paleontologist”.

“True”. Daichi looks back at me. “What’s with him?”.

“Nothing, I was wondering if you knew something about him we could not”. Since Akaashi is his closer friend from the three of us, I suppose Daichi being confused now makes so much sense. He looks at us as if we were a tennis match. Then, he shakes his head.

“Not really, I don’t think I’ve ever shared a word with the guy”. Damn it. “But I know he is pretty sarcastic; every time I used to see him with Hinata and Kageyama, he loved to make them go mad”. I take mental notes of it and then I let Daichi go.

When Akaashi and I turn back, I’m using one of my scheming faces. The ones he hates.

“Stop it”, he tells me. “We knew he was, that’s not new”.

“Well, it is new: we know he uses sarcasm with loved ones, not to get people away”.

“You are not a loved one, he barely knows you”. That’s true.

“Has he been sarcastic to you?”. That’s a low hit, and I see him flushing.

“Not really… Not a lot. Sometimes, only”. I hold my laugh. “He loves me, as a friend, but there is love. He can’t stand you at all, which is way worse”.

I burst my laugh out because he really is too cute when acting like that. Even if he is still as serious as ever, his red cheeks are lovely.

“Come on, man. You know I’m kidding”.

“You are not”. Sadly, he is right. “You both will be a real nightmare; you love to be sarcastic too. Will I have to deal with your idiot behaviour with him?”.

“I mean, if it works…”.

I love to provoke, Kenma knows it well. It took him a long while till he learned that’s what he liked too, and since then… Damn, I miss my boy right now. Can’t I skip training with Bokuto today and go home already?.

“Anyway, it seems like Daichi and Suga haven’t changed”, I say as I stretch my back and arms. We are still walking to the training grounds.

“You thought that too, right?”, he says. “It’s not my perception”.

“Since when do you need second opinions?”. I look down at him. He shrugs.

“Never. Unless it’s someone we already know for a long while, then I get paranoid”.

That’s true, and the clear proof is Tsukishima. If he knows the guys pretty well, the possibility of getting the wrong impression drives him crazy. But that shouldn’t be the case with Daichi and his man. Like, I mean, before he left college, I think we fucked with both of them at least once per month.

Ah, old times… I miss some people that are gone already.

“What if they tell us to meet again?”, I say. “He seemed pretty interested”.

“You know it’s fine for me. Bokuto also liked them”. True that. In this case, Kenma doesn’t take part in the meetings even if he was a good colleague of Daichi too. “They are not the ones I have problems with”. 

I laugh now, but I sound softer because I know what he means.

“Atsumu, right?”.

He sounds like a bull ready to impact right now. His eyes are stuck somewhere else, far from here. In the past. That's why maybe he turns red again.

“Don't say that name”.

Okay, I won't be rude.

“What about Toru?”, I say, instead. He is quite surprised. Not that he doesn't remember the good old Oikawa. “I saw him when we were at Tsukishima’s birthday party”. Or, better said, inauguration party. “He told me to send you both regards”.

I think he is groaning.

“And you say that now?”.

“My bad, I forgot”. Actually, I was waiting for the perfect time. “So? What do you think? I'm pretty sure Bokuto will be happy”.

Akaashi steps right on me and I almost trip over. He shakes his arm so I don't grab onto him.

“You want war, Kuroo?”, he says.

I can't help but laugh again. Ah, I love this man so much.

“Come on, Toru is nice. He really likes you both. He prefers me, but…”.

“He liked other people more”.

That's true, too. Even if he always brought his man with him to our meetings, he never missed the chance to… request other guests. We never has any problem with it; he had a good taste, but we started to part ways when he asked for a guy from Karasuno that we all knew and, obviously, didn't want to ask.

Seems like Toru has a past with Tobio Kageyama, and since that's Tsukishima's friend, Akaashi refused.

Then everything went to hell when he tempted our rules and one was broken, but, actually, it wasn't his fault. So it's not that we got mad or broke our friendship. But Akaashi chose to not fuck with him anymore. At least, two years ago, when that happened.

Now it looks like he can think about it again. And I'm glad! I had fun with Toru and his boy Iwa. None of them is Atsumu Miya, so I guess this can still work.

“Why so interested, though?”, Akaashi says. “Are you aware that, if Kei ends up having an affair with you or… with us, that could stop, right?”.

The truth is, I never thought of it. Maybe because I never saw myself succeeding with Tsukishima as much as I do now, and since we haven't met with anyone yet, that hasn't come to mind.

“Would you?”, I ask him. “Would you stop meeting with others if he doesn't want to?”.

“Well, he is not my boyfriend”. That's fair. “We could still meet with him and other people separately”. His eyes focus on me. “But if you manage to have a relationship, maybe…”.

“Kenma exist, remember?”, I say.  “If he, somehow, ends up madly in love with me, he would have accepted Kenma already”. He adds nothing to that. “Plus, if that works out, he would have accepted me too”.

“Okay, okay”, he stops me. “Quit it with the deep thinking. I was trying to scare you out”. I'm aware, but it still made me, indeed, think about it.

Even though I know a way to scare my friend even more.

“What if I say something worse than that?”. I stop walking and he does too. I'm staring to the front, but he is focused on me only. That's why maybe I know what I talk about and he does not. “What if I say it seems like we are losing time?”.

I point at the training grounds, to the volley court in which Bokuto always waits for us. He finishes working before we do, so we always meet with him after he has started training on his own. Today, apparently, he wasn't alone at all.

“Are you kidding me?”, Akaashi says.

Indeed, I laugh because it looks like a good joke: Kei Tsukishima is playing volley with him.

My friend starts walking pretty fast to the court. I do too. We still need to get changed to the sport clothes, but, still, I think we both need to confirm this is not an illusion.

I hope it is not.

“What's this?”, Akaashi asks as he steps in. 

Both Bokuto and Tsukishima are already in their training uniforms, and their sweat proves they have been doing it for a while. 

The training, I mean.

They stare at each other after our abrupt interruption. None saw us coming.

“Surprise!”, Bokuto says. 

But Akaashi ignores him and his kiss attempt to go directly to his classmate.

“Is this true? You playing with us today?”.

He seemed quite confident from afar. At least, I saw him having a good time with Bokuto, but now the shock of his face doesn't help cover up the blushing. Or is he just exhausted? It's hard to tell.

“Well, I was playing with him. If you want to join…”, he shrugs. “I guess it's fine”.

Oh, man, he is making fun of us.

I have chills already, and Aka does too, because he turns to me as if he needed to confirm I'm seeing this. Of course I am, I can't even blink!

“Okay, that was unexpected”, he says. It's being hard for him to keep his cool. Even Tsukishima is surprised at how hyperactive he looks now. “I'm gonna go change, you” he points at his classmate “better not go anywhere”. The boy brings his hands up and shakes his head. “And you” he moves to his man, and kisses him “whatever you did, thank you”.

“It's not that important”, Tsukishima tries to bring the mood down.

“I've tried for you to come with us to train for six years”, Akaashi reminds him. I can see a soft smile at his mate’s face trying to explode. “Don't dare to say it's not important”.

Then, he goes quickly to the changing rooms to get ready. I, on the other hand, stay where I am staring deeply at him. He needs only a few seconds after Akaashi is gone to realize. 

“Interesting”, I say as I get closer. He brings his head up. “I like to see you choose to try”.

“Don’t go that far”, he says as he turns around and crosses beneath the net. “I'm here because of Bokuto, not you”.

I hold on the net with quite an obvious strength and that shocks him to the point of turning around to me. Seeing him behind the black robes is a strange sensation. I love it.

“Is that a challenge, Tsukishima?”.

A week ago, no more, he would have turned around with exasperation and clear apprehension. Now, instead, he gets closer and grabs onto the net as he gets closer too.

“I don't waste time playing games I've already won, Kuroo”. I smile from ear to ear. “Don't flatter yourself”.

“Change my mind, then”, I say as he lets go of the robes. “I love when I'm beaten up”.

But this time, I'm pretty sure I won't. And when I share a glance with Bokuto once Tsukishima’s back is all I see, his joy and anticipation proves none of us is losing tonight.

Chapter Text

TSUKISHIMA

These guys have nothing in common with Tobio or Shoyo. And, as ashamed as I am of saying this, my two friends are far from being considered bad or regular players. They are, indeed, incredible. But, the truth is, I’ve never seen anything like what I’m facing this evening in court. And I thought I’ve already seen everything.

Akaashi is a setter, what I knew, but I didn’t expect him to be that good. It’s not as explosive as Tobio, nor that… tricky. But he is precise, he is competent and, of course, he knows how to read his boyfriend perfectly. He is quite similar to Tobio: they both are impeccable on their own, but their connection with their mate, who comes to be their partner too… is what shocks me the most. I’ve seen my Karasuno friend playing more often; I know he can be as good with anyone else around, but Shoyo is so determined that their duo is unmatchable. And I suppose the same goes with Akaashi and Bokuto.

Bokuto is unstoppable, and I can say that pretty fast because they are using me as a blocker against him, and so far, I’m living a nightmare. I’m used to Shoyo’s moves, I can read him quite well even though, of course, he is better than… which I will never confess in front of him. Still, maybe it’s because I’m not used to these guys' gameplay, but I swear I’m losing my confidence with myself. Will I even be able to stop him once? To read Akaashi’s tosses?

To keep my hands in place instead of using them to choke Tetsuro Kuroo if he keeps pushing me to the limit of my patience?

“If you spread your legs as much as you keep your arms separate when blocking, you must be a real treasure in bed, Tsukishima”. I groan as I see Bokuto’s cross spike go between my hands for the millionth time. My fingers already hurt because I always touch the ball, but, if I have the chance, I for sure will grip tightly around Kuroo’s throat.

“Shut the fuck up”, I tell him.

I’m teaming up with him. And so far, he is having the time of his life.

“I will”, he says. “But only if you stop him”. 

Of course, we both know that won’t happen easily. I move from the net and go after the ball before serving. As calm as I can, I take a deep breath. I also remind myself that I’m doing this just for fun; to meet the guys a bit more but, so far, this training hasn’t allowed me to go any further than what comes to their talent. 

Even Kuroo’s is stupidly good. He can read them quite easily, and I don’t even know if this has anything to do with their longtime friendship or just because he is like that. So far, only Bokuto plays volley from time to time. He used to be in Fukurodani’s team till his career took much of his time. But Akaashi and Kuroo only played for their teams for a few years. 

Yes, I never did. Not in college, at least, and I think I’m paying off the price.

“Nice serve!”, Kuroo tells me.

Every time he says those words, I can’t help myself but think of the first time he decided to approach me… and how shocked I was. Right now, I don’t really care about it. All I want is the ball to make it hard for Akaashi and Bokuto to prepare an attack… or to hit Kuroo’s head on the way. Both things are fine to me. 

But the ball goes over the net, Bokuto receives, places it perfectly for his boyfriend to prepare a toss and, even though I managed to get next to Kuroo to stop him, it’s my mate who blocks his friend’s spike, not me. And instead of me being fast and keeping the ball in court, this goes out and the couple adds one more point to the list.

I swear in a low voice as I see the damn ball go away. Them three, on the other hand, don’t really give a fuck about who loses or wins. 

I never did, either. Not when training with Shoyo and Tobio, but right now… I’m taking it too personal, and it’s only because of Kuroo.

“Tired already?”, he asks me. Even if he sounds seriously interested, that fun sound of his voice makes it worse to me.

“Of you? Yeah”. 

He laughs as he follows me around.

“You are pretty good”, he says. “I suppose your friend’s spikes are more open than Bokuto’s, in terms of how much space to cover, and that’s why you keep your hands back and separated. But with Bokuto, you don’t need…”

“Stop taking it so seriously”, I complain. “You don’t need to teach me”. 

“Then, why so mad because you are losing?”. I turn around with the ball pressed against my waist. I try to picture Kuroo’s head on it, so I don’t crash his real skull against the ground. 

“I am losing?”, I say. “I thought we are”. 

I’m a bit taller than him, just a few centimeters but, still, he leans a bit to get cross to me and I feel small and weak against his arrogance.

“We are what, Tsukishima?”, he provokes me. “I love the sound of that”.

“You freak”, I stamp the ball on his chest. “Your flirting skills are worse than the ones of a ten years old kid”.

Bokuto has gone a bit further away, to the roads that lead to the courts, and I use this pause to get further away from Kuroo as I can. He follows me, of course.

“Were you hit on when being ten?”, he asks me.

“Why so interested?”.

“That kind of comparative could only mean you know how ten years old kids flirt”. Fair enough, even if that’s not the case. “I bet you were one of those blond cuties everyone was obsessed with”.

I turn around once more. Now, Akaashi is close to us, and it seems as if I was the only one shocked with the guess.

“I’m a nerd, Kuroo”, I remind him. “The only person interested in me was Tadashi”.

That’s not true; some girls were into me for some reason, I guess because I was taller than anyone else, but… As I’ve said a million times, socializing is not my thing. And if we take that into consideration, plus the fact that I’m gay… Well, thank God Tadashi knows me. He likes how I am, what I am, and I never had to fake something I’m not… in any way.

Apparently, these guys like me like that too. And I can’t really understand. I mean, have they seen each other? Akaashi is stunning, Bokuto is incredibly hot, and Kuroo…

“What?”, I ask him, because he is staring at me with a compassionate gesture.

“Nothing”, he says. “You look cute when overwhelmed”.

Fuck it, I’m for sure flushed again. He loves to see me red, and always uses the chance to point that out as he knows I will be ashamed.

“I’m so tired of this”, I say as I turn to Akaashi. My friend, on the other hand, is totally pitying me as he tries not to laugh. “Where is Bokuto?”.

“He has gone to call out his friend”, he says. “They were already here”.

Ah, true. He said that two guys would join us for a few minutes before leaving. I have no idea who they are, but I’ve seen both Akaashi and Kuroo getting pretty excited about it and quite secretive when talking about it. Of course, I haven’t asked them why is it to impressive, since only Bokuto seems to know one of them well enough. It’s a scientific too. Chemistry department, apparently, and he used to play for Itachiyama’s frat, and that’s why they know each other, because they were on the HQ league at the same time. 

“There they are”, Kuroo warns with something that sounds like a groaned moan.

It’s fun, because when Bokuto said they would join us an hour ago, both his friend and boyfriend seemed pretty surprised. Now they look impatient… and I think I understand a bit why when the three arrive at the court.

“Sorry for the delay!”, says one of them. This is a dark blond guy with thick brows and a prominent smile. He is fine, but the dude on his back caught my eye way more than him. Even if he wears a white mask covering his mouth, the dark curls of his hair and his black eyes are… mesmerizing. “My cousin was still in a meeting”.

“Yes, sorry”, this one says. He doesn’t sound pretty excited. “Hi, Akaashi”. When he turns towards my friend, this one’s back gets completely straightened. 

“Welcome back, Sakusa”. He attempts with offering him a hand but, for some reason, the so called Sakusa stares at it as if it was contagious. He shakes it, at the end, but it took him a while. “All good?”.

“Yeah”. He moves to Kuroo, and the hand shaking move also takes a while, but comes faster. Maybe because, for some reason, those black eyes have looked for the hazel ones of Kuroo instantly. “Hey”.

“What’s up?”, this one says back, with a soft wink.

I’m so impressed I even ignore them both when they come to great me too.

“Tsukishima”, I say as I shake their hands.

“I’m Komori”, says the blond. “Kiyoomi’s cousin”. 

Then, Bokuto starts explaining he called them so we could do a three versus three, and that both him and Sakusa are going to play as aces and be in different teams. Akaashi is staying with his man and Komori, and Kuroo and I are teaming with the black haired guy that, now, has taken off his face mask.

Okay, I totally understand.

“You wanna know something fun?”, Akaashi tells me as we both stare at how the two cousins talk with Bokuto outside the court. They both are changing their shoes. Kuroo is with us. “We are totally not picturing the same thing when looking at him”. 

We stay in silence for a few seconds only. I use them to analyze the guy: tall, with muscled back and fit legs and arms. Now that he is not covered, I can say his face is also charming. He is handsome as hell; I’ve never seen him around HQ university, but I know that, if I would have, I for sure would have lost my mind.

“What does that mean?”, I ask, even if I think I’m starting to know.

Maybe a few weeks ago, this would have been shocking. It still is sometimes, but, right now, my mind can’t think clearly either.

“I want to get him in four and destroy him”, Kuroo says.

I can totally feel cramps on my lower abdomen, and some chills getting through my spine. That was… quite honest.

“And I want him to get me in four and destroy me”, Akaashi confirms.

Sweet lord, I think I’m sweating now. 

It’s fun because, even though I’m staring at Sakusa, right now I can only think of what they said. Sadly for me, my imagination is vivid enough to add me on the picture. Akaashi… on four? Well, I supposed he was a bottom with Bokuto, and if he has fucked with Kuroo too… yeah, well, his role may be quite fixed, but somehow I thought he would be versatil. Still, I don’t see myself next to him when I imagine his last words. I’ve taken Sakusa’s place, and… Okay, I close my eyes before I’m betrayed by my own brain.

Sadly, all I do when my vision turns dark, is move next to him on a huge bed while Kuroo stays right behind and…

“What about you?”, my classmate asks me.

“Me, what?”. I’m about to pass out right now. “With… Sakusa?”. I can feel both gazes staring at me from each side. I stay firm and try to ignore them both, even though I can sense the sweat dropping from my temples. “I just want to block his spikes”.

“God, I don’t”, Akaashi says as Kuroo laughs at my answer. “He can spike me all he wants, actually”.

Then, they both separate as the cousins and Bokuto are coming back. Keeping my cool is not that hard once Sakusa comes in and starts talking with Kuroo about what are we going to do, but, to be fair, what’s being harder is trying not to remember what I’ve just heard. Is this what I’ve been missing for not accepting Akaashi’s invitations to go out? Is this really what Kuroo meant by giving them a chance?

Fuck. I’m so paralyzed I don’t even listen to Bokuto when he tells us to start, and that’s bad because it’s my time to serve. I hope I don’t fuck up any more, otherwise there won’t be a single person in court that won’t know I’m trying my best to avoid a hard on.

***

I’m exhausted when we finish training. Knowing I’m not the only one is not as relaxing as I expected, but, seeing Kuroo falling dawn against the ground tells me it’s fine if I feel like fainting too. God, Sakusa and Komori went pretty hard on us, and it’s fun I say this since one of them played on my team. But catching up with the other three was already complicated when we were only four… Now it’s been impossible.

“Damn, you haven’t… changed a bit, Bokuto”, Sakusa tells his old friend.

He doesn’t sound as drained as we all are. Komori, on the other hand, looks as if he would have been playing for hours.

“I try… to remain the best”, Bokuto jokes. His white and black hair is completely stuck to his forehead because of the sweat. He lifts his shirt up to try and clean it up… I’m glad I’m this tired, otherwise seeing his abs would have weakened me even more.

I really need this day to be over, but it’s only half past eight. 

Even if I want to go to the changing room already, I sit on the bench to change my sneakers and take a deep breath. I try to distract myself; Bokuto and Sakusa keep talking on the net, and Akaashi has moved to a side with Komori as Kuroo finally stands up from the ground. To be honest, I think I’ve never trained this much… and this hard. Ever. And Tobio and Shoyo has been quite persuasive during the years when they needed me and Tadashi to help them out. But, God, this was too much.

Bokuto calls his boyfriend for something related to Sakusa, and the conversation turns into a three-way chat. I’m way too tired to try to hear anything, but also I can’t really move and go shower already. When I do, the only one around me is Kuroo. 

“I promise you it’s not that exhausting all the time”, he tells me, as he offers me his hand to stand up. I know I shouldn’t lose my mind over something so insignificant, but other than when he palms my back playing volley, we haven’t touched a single time. Still, I can’t think of that right now: I accept and get on my feet again. “You did well, really”.

“I suck compared to you all”. I’m not being dramatic or pessimistic, and if that’s the impression I give, I don’t really care. “But, it was fun”.

The truth is, when Bokuto offered me to join them, I really considered it for days. It wasn’t until today’s afternoon, after talking with Tadashi, that I decided to go look for him and ask if I could come to train today. His excitement was… overwhelming. He even hugged me, and the only thing I can say right now is that I’m glad he told me to meet with him before Akaashi and Kuroo would be there. Facing the three of them at the same time would have been… too much for me to handle. Bokuto on his own was also pretty energetic, but I got to see a side of him I only knew through his boyfriend. It was curious, entertaining and, of course, charming. He taught me how he moves and how he trains on his own, and since everything that surrounds them three has nothing to do with volley for me… It helped me get distracted for a bit.

Then the two other appeared, and even if Akaashi was clearly impressed by my presence, the hardest one to deal with was Kuroo. Simply because he did make a big deal out of this training, simply because he never ignored what it really meant. The couple managed to focus on the game, but he… he was always focusing on me. And, fuck, as much as I really got invested in the session, teaming up with him made it complicated for me to not pay him way too much attention.

All of that so now, when we are on our way to the changing room, I can barely listen to him as I stay behind spacing out.

I get to the locker room and sit on the bench. My head rests against the metal on my back, but I can’t sense any cold. The silence is only broken by the showers further away, the soft talking beneath the water, and by the beating of my heart. No, I don’t regret coming here. Actually, I’m glad I did, even though I know I’m still pretty far from getting used to it. But, at least, I don’t get that anxious anymore. And if I feel something that could be compared to that intense agony… I can totally discern between one that comes from an ugly thought that one provoked by a brand new feeling.

The only thing left for me is getting used to it. Learn from it, as…

“Tsukki!”, Bokuto’s scream makes me jump on the bench. It’s so unexpected, since I thought I was alone, that I turn my head towards the side from when I heard his voice. “You are gonna get a cold, go shower already!”.

I don’t know how long I’ve been here but, since him and Akaashi are on my side completely naked with only a tower covering them… It must be a long while.

Sadly for my health, I’m afraid I can’t move a muscle right now.

They are totally invested in their conversation. I can’t pay attention to what it is about, because all my senses are trapped by their mere existence. It’s… the first time I see them with so little clothes. Earlier this evening, while training, Bokuto lifted his shirt a few times and the fleeting image of his lower abs was enough for me to freeze in time. Now that there is only a light yellow towel covering him, I’m afraid I can’t focus on anything else.

He is… God, his back is so wide I could trace all his muscles with my fingers. He has a few moles here and there, so well placed to make them look stunning that I literally start to think they are tattoos. His narrow waist is mesmerizing. He has insane obliques on his v-line, and even if the towel covers what’s below that, I can see a dark gray happy trail that works as an hypnotic game for me. And if that wasn’t enough, Akaashi on his side proves me that there is more than it meets the eye when it comes to him.

I’m so used to see him dressing with tight pants or jeans, but the jerseys or shirts he wears are usually a higher size than what he would need. Now that he is also naked with just a white towel, I can see he is so fit I can’t believe genetics really came and said: there, let’s make this human being completely perfect. Sure is, he is not as athletic as his boyfriend, but I don’t think he needs to. His arms are fit, his abs are obvious even if his obliques are not that defined. The v-line… I can barely see any black hair, but the soft happy trail exist. And just like his man, they both have their head hair fully wet and stuck to their foreheads.

Unless, till Bokuto decides to get fully naked and use his towel to dry it a bit.

I’m so paralyzed watching him that, when Akaashi does the exact same, I think I’m dead and this is the last thing God or a dinosaur is showing me before I’m gone forever.

I can’t really… comment, on how glorious both are when undressed. There is a clear difference in size and width between the two of them on every possible way and, if I always thought they were a perfect couple, this stupidly proves it. Bokuto is bigger, cut and wider, while Akaashi is obviously smaller, surprisingly uncut and thinner… but if you could say a dick is appealing, his is. Of course, his boyfriend’s is too, even though I don’t think my mind is coming to the same resolution in both cases. Still, they keep talking as they bring their clothes out, and I’m still frozen. I’m afraid I haven’t blinked a single time. 

Them turning around doesn’t help either. Akaashi’s bubbled ass is as impressive as I always thought when he wears those tight trousers. Bokuto’s, on the other hand, is also round but firmer and bigger. Maybe because, compared to his narrow waist, it’s clearly…

I jump out when a hand waves in front of me. As I turn, I see Kuroo with a cocky smile all lean towards me and, of course, half naked too. He is so close, I avoid making contact with the towel he hides with, or the exposure of his body. Sadly for me, his face is not helping me either. The bastard is clearly aware of what I was looking at. Even though his black hair is as wet as their friend’s, the look it gives him doesn’t cover his naughty eyes at all.

He totally looks like a teen emo way too fascinated of what he caught off guard. Sadly for him, he doesn’t sing in My Chemical Romance or anything I can use to forgive him. The last thing I need is now thinking of him when listening to Mama instead of Gerard Way.

“Having fun?”, he says. 

“No more than you”. That’s impossible, at this point.

“Well, it can still get better, you know?”.

As he stretches, it’s harder for me to look away. I manage to avoid every thing that is not his face. I avoid his toned torso, his muscled pecs or his abs. I ignore how fit his arms look, since I’ve already seen them when playing. And I totally stay away from his strong legs. His thighs, his white towel covering what it’s clearly obvious beneath the fabric.

But he is too close. Even if my eyes don’t go away and look only at his hazel ones, it’s impossible I don’t notice everything else.

And that’s my biggest disgrace. Because I already knew Bokuto was incredibly hot, or that Akaashi seemed to be sent by the Goddesses. This man… He clearly isn’t as handsome as my classmate, nor is as athletic as his friend. But he has the perfect mix, at least for someone like me, always too focused on people that has nothing to do with dudes like him.

He totally has nothing to do with Tadashi. None of them and, even though I’ve been and still am obsessed with how Tadashi is and looks, I can’t hide something obvious: these three guys drive me crazy in way one or another. And even if I’m okay with how I feel about the couple, what Kuroo wakes up in me still annoys me at first.

Because he loves it. He enjoys my weakness so much, because he has decided that pointing out what’s going on with me is something that works for himself too.

“You like what you see?”, he asks me over his shoulder. He’s opening a locker to bring his stuff out. Mine are still hidden on one behind my back.

“I’ve told you already; don’t flatter yourself”.

“I wasn’t talking about me”. Jackass… Thankfully I’m still red enough from exhaustion, he can’t think I’m blushing because of him. “So, who do you like best?”.

I’m surprised he is asking me all of that while his friends are a few meters away talking about something completely different. But if we don’t listen to them, they don’t hear us either. That’s my only hope right now.

“What kind of question is that?”. 

He opens his backpack and puts out some underwear, a light jersey and some jeans, but he doesn’t get dressed. Instead, he picks some deodorant and a perfume and starts bathing on them. I sense some vanilla, but I’m not sure. I don’t want to be sure.

“Just one made out of curiosity”, he says, still watching over me. “I suppose I can get many other questions answered if you reply to that one”. 

“Would that change your impression of me that much if I say one or the other?”.

He shares a soft laugh. So far, the couple, almost dressed, ignores us still.

“I mean, you already told me you were a bottom, but…”.

“I never said I was a bottom”. 

My need to clarify surprises me. Why do I say so? I don’t even know. So far, I’ve always seen myself topping. Tadashi’s the only guy I’ve been with but, since I’ve always felt attracted to Akaashi, the idea of me doing something with him implied I was the top, too. But I can’t deny something pretty obvious: I can’t picture myself playing that role with someone like Bokuto, even if I haven’t pictured myself at all with him, yet. Not like that, at least, even if that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it. Actually, I didn’t even managed to think like that when I saw someone as notoriously hot as Sakusa. 

But Kuroo is different. Somehow, and I don’t know why, since I started getting weak in front of him, there is no way I can’t avoid that thought. I may don’t remember when was the first time, I can’t come to think of one. But the last one was this same evening, on the court, when he mentioned how he would fuck Sakusa on four, and all I did was occupy his place.

I wonder if he notices, and that’s why he says I’m a bottom. It’s true the other day he got that conclusion too, and I never denied properly. Even though we are talking about me: the man who hasn’t managed to say no to him yet. The same one who didn’t refuse to the idea of bottoming… with him, again.

I start to feel tense and nervous with anger, and it’s all because he is way too cunning. He really knows how to approach people and get what he wants from them, and I’m proving once more I’m a mess in socializing.

“So you are not?”, he asks me, and I remain quiet. “You prefer Aka to Bokuto, or…”.

“Don’t you dare”. I stop him when he is about to sit down. As he thinks I’m talking about his still going on topic, he waits halfway to the bench. But I’ve turned my face to the opposite side; the couple putting on their shoes. “Don’t you dare to sit down in front of me”.

He stays quiet, but ignores my request and just lays down facing me. Of course, I close my eyes as I take a deep breath. This may be the most stupid reaction I’ve ever had. What am I, fifteen? God, this is so stupid. There is no way he knows I’m not red from exhaustion anymore. My anger is pretty obvious.

“So, the answer was me ”, he says. The cocky bastard got his own conclusion. And, stupid of me, I’m not fast enough to deny so. “I like that”.

“I despite you”, I fight back, even if that makes him laugh.

“But you like me; I make you horny”.

“Both things can coexist, even if this is not the case”. 

I mentalize and tell myself I’m not horny. So far, there is no hard on going on, even if my legs are shaking just by the idea of having him sat with both legs spread in front of me. The towel doesn’t cover enough as his thighs keep in on top of his legs. But that’s all my supposition, what the corner of my eyes tell me as I’m staring at the floor for as long as I can.

“It’s not?”, he asks. “Why do you avoid me, then?”.

“Because I don’t want that to change”, I confess. And I can hear how he takes a deep breath too, and his chest inflates, making his pecs look bigger.

Again, that’s another supposition. One that comes up to my mind pretty clear.

“Why is liking them accepted but liking me it’s not? They want you to fall for them as much as I want”.

“Because you are pushing this too hard”. I don’t even feel like this, it’s just me being incredibly annoyed at how powerful he is against me. But I must defend myself. Even if he doesn’t believe me, I need to. “And this makes me uncomfortable”.

That may be true. If Akaashi and Bokuto had gotten naked in front of me on purpose, I would have totally panicked too. But they were acting normally after a shower. They are still ignoring us, even, so there is no way I could get paranoid. But, Kuroo… Yes, he also comes from showering, but I asked him to stay up, and he didn’t.

Even if right now he is finally getting dressed beneath the towel.

“We are leaving, guys”, Akaashi says out of a sudden. We both are still on an awkward situation, but they seem to not care. “It was so nice to have you around, Tsukki”, he tells me. And I try to nod as pleasant as I can. “Sakusa is showering still, can you wait for him?”, he asks Kuroo. He nods, and then my friend comes back to me. “Go shower you too, damn it, you will get a big cold at this point”.

I say nothing back, and they leave, while the silence is our only companion now.

“If that’s the case, then I will stop”, Kuroo says, then, following my words. As I know he has his underwear on, I finally turn my face to his. Although if he is covered… the image is still breathtaking. The soft smile of his lips doesn’t show any compassion, still. “Because it is, right?”, he asks. “You want me to stop”. He knows I’m using lies to protect myself, and he wants me to confirm them as truths or not. Just as rejecting him, I can’t come to do so. I’m unable to keep lying, I’ve never been a good liar myself and this is a moment I wish I was. “Do you, Tsukishima?”.

“What if I say yes?”. Instead of lying, I decide to play my car. “What if I say I prefer them two to you, Kuroo?”. I say confident, but I’m not as much as I would want to. His smile breaks me into pieces. My wall was built for nothing.

“You would be lying to yourself”. He is totally right. I hate to know so myself, but right now, no one weakens me more than him… and I still don’t understand why. “But I will let you believe your own lie”. He continues dressing up. “I will let you believe all you want is fucking Aka. I mean, I can’t blame you; I’ve done it a million times, and he moans like a crazy. Even if he is bossy as hell, he’s such a good bottom, very versatile, very spirited”. My legs shake as he says that. My mind flies to a scene in which I’m literally living that with my classmate. “I will also allow you to believe you want to suddenly try bottoming only because of Bokuto. I’m only a top, but I’ve seen him topping Aka and other people countless times, and that soft, tender and fun guy turns into a total beast, unstoppable and fierce”. 

Sweet Lord, I can’t even breathe properly.

I close my eyes as Kuroo stands up to get his jeans on. With all but his shoes to put, he lets time pass by as I feel sweating as if we were playing volley again. My mind doesn’t stop flying between Akaashi on four, crying out to my or anyone else’s thrusts, and Bokuto’s pounding me or whoever he wants. 

Still, all of that would be more than okay if it wasn’t because, the longer I stay in one of those scenarios, being part of them or just visualizing, the easiest is for Kuroo to appear on them and substitute whoever is making me feel so brainless. 

That’s how powerful he is. That’s how someone that knows their effect on others use his and others emotions to his behalf. And, to be fair, I can’t even complain. Someone that understand so well what happens inside his head and in others is someone that should be praised. But I wish he didn’t use me for this.

I wish I could do it too.

“Because that’s all you think of, right?”, he leans over me, fully dressed with both hands on his pockets. So close he could kiss me. So close I could kill him. “It’s them the only ones you want”.

My silence betrays me again, and he leaves the changing room where I can finally melt and become one with the floor. He was supposed to wait for Sakusa, or that’s what Akaashi said. That means he must still be around, so I need for that guy to leave so I can finally go shower and leave this place. They fear I would get a cold, but the truth is, I’m so warm and hot right now I could literally burn this place down. 

Sadly for me, my body is also a traitor, and the million ideas of Akaashi, Bokuto and also Kuroo having sex have affected me to the point I cover myself with my hands even if their is no one around to see my hard on.

This is mad. This is total madness.

“Mama, we all go to Hell ”, Gerard Way sings in Mama .

He sadly is right, I’m afraid. As much as I know this feeling won’t stop, I hate myself because I’m already sinning in the eyes of God.

Chapter Text

AKAASHI

I’ve told Kotaro to go ahead while I go talk with the janitor of the training grounds and give the key back to the court area. We always use so much time when playing volley he is, thankfully, used to us and our apologies. That’s why he says nothing back, not bad at least, when I say sorry for the millionth time since we are in HQ university. Then, he asks me how is life going, how are Kotaro and Tetsuro, and then continues reading his magazine.

To go out the training ground, I have to pass by the changing rooms again. I see my friend still waiting for Sakusa on the building number three. Since we were using number two, I pass by without him noticing me and look for whom I know must be still here. 

It’s a nice coincidence that when I’m about to open the door, Kei almost crashes against me when going out. 

“Damn, sorry”, I say. “It’s just me”.

For how pale he looks, it’s as if he saw a ghost instead of a friend. And, so far, a few minutes ago he was still red as a tomato. I don’t think he has recovered yet from the hard training, but… at least he looks cozy with his coat and fluffy scarf.

“Yes, sorry too. I thought you left already”.

“Yeah, I went to give the keys back to the janitor”. He nods as we start walking to the gates. “Are you feeling any better? You went all in against us”.

“All for nothing, yes”. I laugh, but I don’t make a big deal. “You guys are great. It was fun, but now I just want to sleep. I’m glad it’s the weekend now”.

“Yeah”. Me too, actually. “Any plans for tomorrow?”.

“Why?”. He was bringing out some earbuds, he’s always listening to music when walking alone, so he is just preparing for when we part ways. “Any offer?”.

Wow. Well. I didn’t… Damn, that took me by surprise. What’s with this Kei Tsukishima? Is Kuroo really affecting him to the point in which he can really talk about going out?

“Sadly, I’m busy”, I say with pain on my heart. “My mom is in town, Taro and I…”.

“No problem, Aka”, he cuts me off. “I also had plans, I just wanted to see what you would say to that”.

Okay, that’s painful too.

“So what if I tell you I’m free for the night?”, I fight back. “You didn’t let me finish, I may offer you to come have some drinks with Taro and myself”.

“Then I’m afraid I will reject the offer”. I’m so used to this, I still don’t know how it can hurt me so much. “Really, Tadashi and the guys are holding a party because some old friends are coming to town for a few weeks, and they want me to go”. At least he wasn’t lying. “But, trust me, next time you ask, I will accept”.

Is this…? Wait, he means he will come to take a drink with us, nothing more, right? I mean, I’m fine with that, I don’t want to look desperate because I’ve been six years after this guy and I’m already convinced he won’t get along with us in that way. But… Tetsuro is so sure about him doing so, I’m starting to think he may be actually right.

Still, I’m not shocked by the illusion. I’m just petrified, because my old classmate has… improved? his social skills in just a few weeks, at least when it comes to us, and I can’t hide how happy it makes me. I know it has never been easy for him. If he is not being forced (by someone or by his fears) to do so, then this are great news.

“I take your word”, I say. I see how he smiles beneath the scarf. “All good, then? With Tesso and Taro”. And me, but that I don’t ask it.

“Yeah”, he admits. “Your boyfriend is a nice man. It may sound strange but, the short time I spent with him before you arrived, it felt as if he was really taking care of a lost kitten”. Strange? That sounds cute, man. I think I blush, I wish I were a fly while they were together on court. “Of course, it’s not the best sensation, feeling lost, but he made it easy for me to get found. If that makes sense”.

“It does”. More than he knows. “That’s his power. He knows what everybody needs, all the time. I’ve never seen someone more emotionally intelligent than him”. I’m glad he doesn’t deny. If he can see my point with only a few chats with Kotaro… Ah, man, I’m so in love, so proud of my boy. No one can hate him. It’s impossible. “And Tesso?”.

I have noticed his silence. Or, better said, how he chose to only talk about my boyfriend. While he takes a deep breath and the warm exhale blurs his glasses, I just hope my old time friend doesn’t have the wrong idea about Kei. I know how intimidating he can be, or how persistent. So far, no one ever has said they felt uncomfortable; he knows pretty well how to deal with those situations and act based on people’s needs. But if he is actually misunderstanding the situation, it would break my heart.

“It’s complicated”, he admits. “It’s not bad. It’s just…”.

“You don’t like him”, I’m fast at replying because I don’t want this chat to be hard for him, either. I’m so glad he turns his face towards me as if he was surprised. “Is not that?”.

“Well. I…”. Another exhale blurs his glasses once more. “I think that’s not the case, precisely”. Oh, okay. Then, he likes him a lot. That’s… that’s totally better.

Fucking Tetsuro Kuroo. How is he always right?

“Don’t worry about it, Kei”, I palm his back as I prepare to part ways. “We always go through that phase”.

“Which phase?”.

“The one in which we accept we have fallen for the cocky bigmouth with a lovely heart”.

He stops walking not only because he has to turn left but also because he is shocked.

“Lovely heart?”, he quotes. “Are you sure?”. My laugh sounds brighter now. “Plus, since when I’m Kei to you?”.

What? Oh, shit, did I…?

“My bad”, I quickly say. “I’m used to calling you that in private. It makes me feel closer to you, and not a rejected bird with a broken wing”. 

Don’t try too hard, Kei Tsukishima; I can see your laugh even if the scarf covers it. Your eyes can’t lie. I know it because I’ve been trying to get through them for six years.

“Okay, Keiji”, he hits me back. “I forgive you, then”.

He turns around with both earbuds on his ears, and then he goes away. I haven’t told him, but I know those were given to him by Kenma. I know, because I do have mine too. Usually, I’m always willing to follow Tetsuro’s path of positivism because it’s easier than always thinking the worst of every outcome. Now, seeing my friend Kei going home, completely catched by my boyfriend, madly obsessed with one of my best friends, and listening to music with a gift from my other best friend… I don’t want to Icarus-myself and get burned for dreaming too high, but this is turning into a stunning picture. 

I can’t wait to see how it continues.

***

I get to Fukurodani pretty fast. I know this because, when I get to our room, Kotaro is still walking around charging with a dozen things from one place to the other. I stay beneath the door frame for a while staring at him. So far, there are plenty of panoramas in which I can get fascinated by the mere reality of him existing. One of them is him doing chores.

It’s still a long while to go, but I can’t wait for us to live under a proper roof, to cook our food, watch TV on our living room… and not this place full of stories and experiences.

Yes, I will miss this, but I can’t wait to live the rest of my life with him.

“How you’ doing, Cinderella?”, I ask him.

He jumps as he listens to me. I’m leaning against the frame, arms crossed and cunning gaze. His inhales and exhales come and go so fast his chest grows bigger every time. I’m weak, but I’ve learnt how to not get distracted that easily. I need to hold my strength and wait a little longer. Just a tiny bit.

“Tired”, he says. “I thought the room was cleaner, and work against the clock has never been my thing”. Tetsuro would say something else, since he always waits till last minute to do whatever he has to do. The proof is this situation. “Are you here to help? Have you brought some of those birdies and mice Cinderella has by her side?”.

“More or less”, I move forward and go with him. He has two cushions, one pair of shoes and a coat all hanging from every possible part of his body that he can use to carry stuff. Still, I manage to hang myself too from over his shoulders. He doesn’t complain. “Wasn’t I your little owl?”, I say. “Can I use my wings to fly to you?”.

Fukurodani’s symbol has always been an owl. When he got into this university, he chose this frat because he sees me as one of them. Normally, my eyes are quite narrowed, some people even think I’m judging all the time. But, when I get excited, they open wider, and since we were teens, he used to say I remained him like an owl. Which is fun, because his eyes are bigger and rounder by defect, and sometimes he preps his hair in a way that makes him look like an owl too. Maybe we were meant to be together, after all, and this is our provisional nest before we build a bigger one in our own tree.

I, obviously, chose the same frat as him so we could be together in the meantime.

“You can use them”, he says with a deeper voice. “In a few minutes, you can…”.

“Hey, birdies”. Tetsuro’s voice scares the shit out of us, and we jump as we turn to the door. His stupid face is saluting with an arrogant smile. “Busy?”.

“No”, I say, as I push Kotaro away so he finishes cleaning the room. He does as I want and, quickly as that, the coat is hung on a rack, the shoes are in the closet, and the cushions… Well, they fly away to our small sofa. Our friend is clearly holding his laugh. “We are free”.

Then, Tetsuro disappears for a second and finally comes in. He is so used to wear shirts, blazers and tie for work that when he wears a normal jersey or hoodie it’s hard for me to look away. Like now, with those light jeans, dark gray pullover, and…

Well, forget it. I ignore him as soon as our guest tonight crosses the door frame after him.

I saw Sakusa earlier today. He was already dressed in casual clothes, exactly the ones he is wearing now, facemask included. Still, I feel my heart beating fast as he finally gets into the room and Tetsuro closes behind him. So far, he is doing just as Kotaro told me he would: analyzing the room, surprised by how wide and well organized it is… and clean.

We are usually clean people, but we are aware that this boy has an issue with sanitation. It may sound stupid, but the first thing I thought when my boyfriend told me his “old Itachiyama’s friend” Kiyoomi Sakusa may be interested in joining us was “are you sure? he really wanna get involved with three guys all but clean and pure?”. But, apparently, he was. 

He is, indeed, because he is here. Kotaro told him we were free this evening, and since we were meeting to play volley anyway… Doing it today seemed like a great idea.

I’m excited, I bet more than any of them. But, since it’s our first time meeting with someone this school year, I need to take the lead… as usual. 

“Hi”, I tell him, as if we didn’t see each other today already. After staring at the room for a while, he finally meets my eyes. “Glad you both made it”. 

“Yes”, he says. “I must confess that, to this exact minute, I still thought you guys weren’t serious”. I’m not surprised; he is not the only one to say so.

“Disappointed?”, I say. 

I think this is the longest he has stared at me since we’ve met. I have to change that, for my own good. Even if Tetsuro is at his back, I know pretty well how much he would prefer for me to change places… at least while we only talk. Later on, I’m sure he will prefer this exact display. But I want him to pay the same amount of attention to both ways. 

This is serious to me, and that’s how I want them all to take it too.

“Why would I?”, Sakusa asks me. 

So far, he sounds as calm as I know he can’t be. I, on the other hand, show the mental clarity needed to deal with situations like this one. That’s why our roles are placed like that: Kotaro dealing with people already well known to us, while Tetsuro does the dirty job of approaching guys we may not know that well or only one of us do. Then, when we finally meet up, it’s me in charge. It doesn’t matter who is the fourth person; as Tesso says, I’m bossy. And I am so for a reason: I don’t want anyone to hurt or make the two guys I love the most in my life feel uneasy, nor hurt me. Of course, I don’t want them to go through that, either. We do this for fun, because we want and like to do so. But we have rules to follow.

All of us.

“Who knows”, I say. “Maybe you regret it”. 

He takes a look at our huge bed before shaking his head. We went buying new sheets last month, not only because we needed them but because he already told me Sakusa may join us. Then, we washed some the other day, get them ironed and dress our bed today for him. It’s one of those things we do for our guests. Buying new sheets, getting some drinks, a special lube… Whatever to make them feel welcomed.

Sakusa, actually, didn’t ask for anything in particular. But Kotaro knows him well enough. I guess his friend is aware of it.

“No”, he says. “Not at all”. He gets closer to the mattress. “This looks nice”.

“I’m glad you think so; Taro chose them”. Our guest looks at my boy with a surprised glance. The sheets are dark gray, a bit satin but nothing exaggerated. The shiner they are, the harder it gets to move on them. Sakusa softly moves his right index over the fabric as if he knew that exactly. Then, he looks at Kotaro again.

“I like it”, he says. 

My boyfriend’s glorious smile is contagious to both Tetsuro and I.

“I told you I like to remain the best”, Kotaro says, to which Sakusa nods.

“So?”, he asks. “How do we do it?”.

His eyes travel pretty fast to Tetsuro before moving back to me. I don’t complain; as I said, I’m aware of his preferences, and those place me at the end. Still, I’m glad he accepts me as the host and, therefore, the speaking voice of the three of us. Also, Tetsuro wasn’t gonna do that anyway; he knows my job in here. He loves it, actually.

“I suppose both Tesso and Taro have told you already about our rules or boundaries”, I say. It was their task. Normally it’s mine, once we meet in here, but since my boyfriend already knows him, and Tetsuro has been the one brining him here… 

“Yes”, he says.

So he knows Tesso doesn’t do bottom, and he also knows what he can’t get from both Kotaro and me. Apparently, he is fine with it.

“Anything you want us to know?”, I ask.

“Nothing relevant, I’m afraid: I’m up for anything, I can play both roles”. 

That’s key for what I want, so I’m glad he says so.

“Any boundaries, any safe word?”, I wonder.

“Safe word?”. That shocks him. “Is this… bsdm or something?”.

For a second, he looks uneasy, as if he would fear we lied to him or something. I shake my head pretty fast.

“No, but it can get intimidating”.

Normally, none of the guys we are with want one, but we offer the possibility anyway.

“I think I can handle that”. So far, he looks confident, even if he is clearly unstable. That won’t help him, but I also won’t force what he doesn’t want to give.

But we won’t know that until we start. And that’s why I step ahead, getting closer to him… and surprising him as well.

“What about the mask?”, I ask with a softer voice. “Do you want to keep it on?”.

As he looks clearly at me, I wait for an answer that I’m in no hurry to get. The longer we stare, the weaker I can make him go. That works to me. It always does and, if not, they got my back: Tetsuro starts walking slowly, just a few steps before staying a meter away from Sakusa. But he knows he is there. Just like Kotaro has moved too, surrounding the bed.

“No”, he tells me. “I can take it off”. To that, I nod.

“Fine”, I mutter. And then, I bring my hands up and remove the mask from his face. First on the left, then on the right. His natural lined lips look glossy, perhaps due to the condensation beneath the fabric. Still, they look as appealing as anything else. “I like it better like this, too”, I say.

As I let the mask fall to the floor, I use my hands to frame his face and bring it closer for a kiss. The first touch is always destined to taste his temper, his mood. To see if he is really ready, or if he is shaking to the bones. So far, I’m welcomed nicely. Before I even attempt with introducing my tongue so it can meet his, he is already kissing me back with impetus. 

I can feel my skin shivering. My spine gets all the chills as he finally moves forward and gets closer to me too. His right hand is the first one reaching for my hips. The left, though, stays a bit higher, on my waist. I sense no trembling, but he is indeed holding back as his grip gets tighter. With that noted, I spread his lips with my tongue so we can get deeper.

He tastes like strawberry Mentos, and I don’t even know if those exist. But it’s refreshing, mesmerizing. I get so addicted in so little time, I start scratching his scalp beneath his silky but still wet curls to let myself go. Sakusa, too, brings me closer and our bodies meet in more places than our mouths. His heat is obvious. His hard on… still has a long way to go.

And I know that we won’t have to wait too much for that.

As I get used to him, two different (but well known to me) hands wrap me around my torso. Both scratch over my jersey, softly and gentle beneath my chest, but hungry and impatient as they normally are. As I keep kissing Sakusa, Taro’s mouth finds a playground for his own on my neck, right on the curve between this and my shoulder. If doesn’t affect me, not negatively, at least, but Sakusa pauses our kiss to stare at how Kotaro appears on scene to take a role that he can share but he usually plays as a main character: I’m his, whatever happens, and that everyone must know.

Since he has decided to pause and just look, I turn my head to the same side my boyfriend is kissing me so we can meet mouth to mouth. I always feel more free with him; our connection is such, we devour each other as if there wouldn’t be anyone around. But, the thing is, there is someone indeed around.

I open my eyes while Kotaro still kisses and bites my lips and I grip his lower curls, right at his nape, so he can feel like one more of us. He is fascinating. All of us have seen someone making out before, but in the way he does now. From so close, not only when it comes to placement but also on what relates to him. Because I don’t let him go. As he stares not at my boyfriend but at me, I use my grip to bring him closer. And as soon as his lips look for mine, even if Kotaro’s are still around, I step back little by little and give my man space.

It’s him now who grabs Sakusa from both sides of his face, and keep him firm as he kisses him desperately. His old friend, as shocked as weakened, lets go a sighed moan that confirms how much he wanted this too. The kiss goes on and on, while I just stay next to them, playing with their hair, stimulating them, till I know I’m not needed anymore.

Even though I’m aware Sakusa would have loved some support after I leave.

The most important piece of the game, the one that convinced this guy to join us today, appears on his back and, as fast as he grabs his waist, Tetsuro rubs his profile with Sakusa’s on his way to bite his lobe. Our guest then stops Kotaro’s kiss to take a deep breath. His eyes shut down as his head leans back, on my friend’s shoulder. His hands are still on his torso, now moving down to find their way beneath his partner black jersey and then go up again, rolling it up, and this time touring around his skin with his finger.

Sakusa is still holding onto my boyfriend. His hands grip the neck of his dark blue hoodie so he doesn’t let go, and his posture offers him a free canvas on his neck to leave kisses and bites. Kotaro does as expected, and while Tetsuro plays with his ears, he follows the path beneath his Adam’s apple to his belly button. 

As my man gets down, I move forward again and look for a kiss for myself. I test him, I try to check how is he feeling and, as I expected, my lips are not that interesting while Tetsuro is here with us. Plus, once Kotaro unzips his black jeans, he obviously has another spot to focus that gives him way more pleasure than my mouth. But I know that can change.

I don’t get in between the three of them as I kneel on the mattress. There is no hurry, I just enjoy the process; I stare at Tetsuro playing with his neck, his ears, how his hands softly pinches his nipples as his abs contract. The moles above his brows are as hipnotic as the ones he has around his chest. I also look for Kotaro as he brings his trousers down. How he plays with his now notorious boner over the fabric, how he licks, sniffs and massages him as a playful torture he, from above, wants to obviously go further.

And he does. My boyfriend releases his saved, long but thin and uncut erection right before giving it a few strokes. I sense my legs trembling as I’m placed behind of my man. As he starts licking around his balls, it’s Tesso who brings one of his hands down to keep jerking him off for a little while. Sakusa then loses his breath and closes his eyes again. With both devoted to him, he offers himself wildly to be done whatever they two want with him

But, as I said, I don’t like to be left behind. I was aware of his preferences for bottoming, but he himself said he likes both roles. Therefore, I want my turn. I want him to start with me, otherwise I’m afraid they both will end him pretty soon.

As I lean over Kotaro to kiss his shoulders, I start rolling up his hoodie so I can undress him soon. Once shirtless, I bite his skin, his lobe and everyone I can too. He notices I’m asking for my turn, as he still sucks him patiently as our friend strokes him more and more. Sadly, I start to get impatient. Sakusa better hold on a bit more.

“Is the pace okay?”, I ask him from below.

He opens his eyes to look for me. The answer doesn’t come easily.

“Yes”, he groans. “This is good”.

“No, it’s not”, I say, surprising him but not the others. Kotaro, then, moves on his squats to a side as I move forward still on my knees. I’m almost at his height. Tesso is looking at me with a smug smile, but I ignore him totally. My eyes only look for the black ones focus now on me. Just as it should be. “You are going too fast, mister Ace”, I complain. “And I haven’t seen you spiking not even once”.

My right hand presses on his nape to bring him closer. The left one runs over his torso till it finds his dick. Kotaro is still sucking around, but he hasn’t touched his cock yet. I do, and while they both are great at oral, I’m still the best.

I take my place next to my boyfriend as I bring his dick to my mouth. His opens as if he would like to say something, or perhaps he just needs to breathe in. So far, when I take his tip and, little by little, I’m allowing more of his length to get deep, both his words and breath are nowhere to be found.

He tastes sweet and warm. His precum fills me up enough for me to swallow it, and my chest gets bigger with relief as I see myself exactly where I wanted to be tonight. 

I keep on blowing him up as Kotaro only pauses me to undress me. Tetsuro can move freely from the back; bringing Sakusa’s jeans completely down and taking off his shoes too. He is the only one that remains fully dressed. That’s something I asked him to do and, still, when Sakusa brings his hand back to grab him by the jersey in an attempt to take it off, I have to let go of his cock to speak once more.

“Not yet”, I order. Our guest stares at me, fully surprised. “You are mine now”.

And just so he doesn’t forget, I stand up and bring him with me to the mattress. I undress myself completely then, the few remaining clothes fly away as I lean back against the bed, and he does so on top of me. I lift myself with only one elbow. He stays on his knees and, as we kiss, Kotaro finds his way between the two of us to stroke his hard on and suck mine. Again, Sakusa is the first one to get weakened by it. He recovers pretty fast, and then is me who, little by little, starts breaking apart due to my boyfriend’s skills. I’m glad our guest holds me when all I wanna do is lay completely. When he also starts shaking, he puts me down and starts kissing my neck around. Kotaro pulls back, it’s Sakusa and I only now. And since I’m aware of how horny he is, feeling his hand between my legs doesn’t astonish me at all. If so, it’s a nice surprise.

He starts to rub his middle finger between my cheeks, caressing my hole as if he would be too scared of going hard against me. Since we are still kissing, I speed him up by biting his lower lip with eyes closed. His breath comes out exalted after that. His hand, though, presses softly against my entrance to gain a way to get in. At first, it’s only a finger; he barely moves it, but every attempt is enough for me to feel granted. I close my eyes and I let him do. As soon as I get used to one, he gets two and, soon after, his hand changes the efforts of his fingers to grab his cock and move it closer to me. 

The exact second in which I feel his tip, I bite my own lip and just hold my breath. He starts pressing, slowly but deeply. And even though he obviously is way thinner than Kotaro, the sensation is still brilliant. Just as I expected. Just as I’ve wanted. I open my eyes he starts getting used to my tightness. The frown between his brows, the mouth slightly open and the paused inhales and exhales are so attractive I can’t help but grab him by the arms and grip as hard as I can so he can understand how much I want him.

“You’ okay?”, I ask him on a soft moan.

His eyes roll white as I take him deeper.

“Yeah”, he says, groaning. “Fuck, you are tight”. 

“It’s fine for me”. A soft smile escapes from my mouth as he stares at me, completely fascinated. “You can go faster”. To prove him so, I bring my hips up, so I do so myself. As I’m still holding onto his arms, I can sense how they shake and how firm they get.

That’s the exact moment in which I know I’m no longer his last option. Right now, even if both of them are still here, he has forgotten about everyone else. At least… for now.

As he starts fucking me, our kisses are unstable and clumsy. He quits as soon as it starts getting anxious. He prefers to pound against me and, so far, I also like that option more. Sakusa bends his knees enough for him to kneel almost completely again. I let go of his arms as he grabs my legs from behind, and he brings them up. I then hold onto the pillow behind me. I want to give myself to this moment, to fully enjoy it for myself, but I can’t allow myself to close my eyes: not now that Kotaro is right behind his friend, and this one realizes it’s his turn to be spoiled now.

He slows down a tiny bit, enough so he can turn his face over his shoulder to look for the gentle man who is always way too kind, until he gets in bed.

“How tight are you, Kiyoomi?”. The question doesn’t wait for an answer, and the receptor knows it pretty well. The usually soft and lovely smile of my boyfriend now looks more pervert. One of his brows is raised as he provokes the poor guy completely weakened by whom he thought wasn’t like this, once more. “Can you take me?”, he asks. And I know his cock is already pressing against his ass because Sakusa’s body trembles both outside and inside of me. I also get the shivers from it. “Can you take me whole?”.

“Fuck…”, Sakusa groans, still trapped by my boyfriend’s expression.

Kotaro normally enjoys the pressure. He’s used to me, who can take him easily even though it can get tough at first. But his friend is new to him. He hasn’t even seen him and he is already feeling him knocking at the door. I’m afraid the shock of his face comes from the realization of his size. As he is still inside of me, I can sense his tension.

“Easy, Taro”, I say. Then, as Sakusa tries to move in me again, I bring out his cock, grab it and stroke him slowly so the pleasure in front fights against any kind of annoyance behind. Still, Kotaro needs to play his part. “Come here”, I tell our guest. He does as I say and let go of my legs as he leans on me. I manage to make him focus on me too, especially when I bring his dick to my hole again and I eat it whole. “Don’t stop”, I say. “Don’t think”.

He tries to do so, pounding me slowly but deeply as I see my boyfriend spitting on his own hand to wet him up with one hand, and to also lick his fingers so he can move to Sakusa’s ass right after. Again, I notice the second in which this is not about the two of us only anymore. This time, though, he takes it way better. Kotaro knows how to use his hands pretty well. So good Sakusa soon starts to fall under his skilled spell, and I guess things will only get better from now on.

My boyfriend looks for me before going ahead. He knows I can get a better clarification from his friend than he can from the back.

“Feels good?”, I ask. Before any verbal answer, he nods fast.

“Yeah”, he moans, and doesn’t stop thrusting against me and taking Kotaro’s fingers deeper. “Shit, yeah, it does”.

“Ready for more?”. I’ve moved my right hand to his hair again, to play with his curls with a soft strength, since I can see it drives him crazy. When he opens his eyes to look for me, I know the answer without even hearing it. But he does both: speaking and nodding.

“Yeah”, he repeats. And then looks back, to Kotaro. “Go on”.

He does as he is told, and sooner than expected, my boyfriend’s dick starts to press against Sakusa. He doesn’t go fast; that would be too risky, as our partner is clearly holding his breath as he welcomes him in. When he starts getting used to it, though, the energy boost he gets from both of us is refreshing.

Kotaro doesn’t stop moving, desperate and abrupt, but Sakusa doesn’t either, as he looks for pleasure both ways, all on his own. His hips come back and forth. I take him deeply, his balls slapping against me cheeks, but he doesn’t go full back because he doesn’t need to. This amount of pleasure is enough for him. I do love it too and, by the look on his face, I’m aware my boyfriend is getting as much as he wants, too. 

Sakusa keeps on moving on his own. As I lay down completely devoted to him, Kotaro stays on his knees getting railed by his old friend. The speed he reaches at some point starts to worry me. This is going too fast, but he seems so absorbed on his own that it’s really irresistible. Normally I don’t mind our personal encounters to get done pretty fast. But, with guests, I refuse to let go that soon. I need more. I’ve been wanting to share a bed with Kotaro’s old friend Sakusa that I don’t want this to be done so soon, and I’m aware my boyfriend also enjoys the change of pace from time to time.

I guess it’s time to let the real deal do its thing.

As Kotaro pulls back, Sakusa pauses to take a deep breath on top of me. I keep him in; I’m aware it won’t be easy for him to go back inside if he also pulls off now. Still, as his arms are shaking when keeping him in balance, I lift a bit to kiss and stroke myself slowly for a while. At least till a soft smile from my part hinders our connection. 

I open my eyes to see him lose his mind completely when Tetsuro’s turn places him on his back. Sakusa is as shocked as excited; his cock throbs inside of me as my friend’s starts pressing against his hole. Kotaro has loosened it enough for him to have a free way. That means less annoyance for our guest. Also, it means he won’t be able to handle his new partner now just as easily.

“Don’t panic”, Tesso tells him, as cocky as always. “I will be gentle”.

But, as expected, he is not.

He pulls completely in, and Sakusa groans in pleasant agony as he falls completely on top of me. I’m sure it huts me more than it hurts him, as I pay the consequences, since he is still inside of me. Especially because, once Tetsuro starts moving freely, all that comes from him are soft moans and pure bliss. It doesn’t matter if he tries to look for balance; Tesso’s pressure against his spine, intense and firm with the palm of his right hand, makes him always come back to me. And as much as I enjoy it, I know it’s my turn to move away.

This is what Sakusa wanted the most, surprisingly but also understandable. When Kotaro started to tempt him and talk to him about what we do, he seemed reluctant until my boyfriend mentioned Tetsuro. Then, everything changed and the interest was born. We didn’t get offended; we also have preferences, and it doesn’t matter who comes here with us, I will always choose Kotaro and even Tesso before anyone else. Still, the fact that he was also interested in us made the process pretty easily. We didn’t force it. We knew about it before summer, and till now, we didn’t get the chance to try it out. Now it’s done, the four of us are here, like it usually happens when he like someone and they agree to join. Therefore, I’m fine with what I can get and what I can get done.

And this man deserves what he was craving. The hot, cunning and arrogant bitch that seems to professional to be into these things, but that once his busy agenda offers him time to spare, there is no holding back for him.

Just like now, Tesso stays on his knees, completely on top of Sakusa’s thighs. His cock disappears inside of him with every move. The noisy moans of our guests remind me how clever we were back in time to move downstairs at Fukurodani, so no one could complain. Just like that, I stare at both of them as I jerk myself off, totally charmed by the firm moves of my friend, and the desperate takes of our new partner.

And just when I accept to end like that, a strong push on my shoulders press me down against the mattress, right next face to face with Sakusa, but with Kotaro on my back. I’m not as lost as our guest; used to this, I manage to use my elbows to lift myself a bit and turn back. My man is leaning against me, a soft smile on his lips calls me before a kiss finds me all needy. My cock throbs against the bedsheets. The mere grinding of my skin against the fabric makes me harder than what I already was.

All because of Kotaro Bokuto, just as always.

“How so lonely?”, he asks me. I bite my lip as I groan; his dick head is already tempting me behind. “You deserve one good fuck too”. It’s not that I wasn’t getting it, but it’s about to get even better now.

He pulls full in without even testing first. My loudest groan tonight makes the mattress shake beneath my body. I grab onto the sheets. On my left, Sakusa turns his face towards me to see, to look, to stare. As he gets fucked by Tesso, Kotaro starts pounding deeply against me. What he couldn’t take, I do it plenty and countless times. And the deeper he reaches, the more I lose myself to him.

“Fuck”, I cry out. “Yes, Taro. Fuck”.

Tetsuro’s proud laugh enjoys our play. Sakusa, speechless and motionless, gets dicked as he’s fascinated by how we do it next to them. Even if I can’t keep my eyes open as much as I want to, when I do, I stare at his black iris just to share the joy. He clearly loves to see us. I, used to Tesso making everyone go nuts, feel the need to pay attention to every detail or their intercourse. The way my friend still presses against him so he can’t move, or how his cock still disappears completely with soft but deep pounds that steal more groans from his partner. Every time he gets down to bite his shoulder or force a kiss, Sakusa is closer to explode. I wonder what he expected, because it for sure was nothing compared to what he got.

And that’s… God. As Kotaro still rails me to oblivion for a few seconds, all I grab onto are the soft groans of Tesso, the whimpering of our guest as he gets fucked. Still, I want more. This is not enough for me, I want to receive even more, and I that’s what I look for when I press my hand on Sakusa’s scalp, grab his curls into a fist, and bring his face close to me so we can kiss. His soft but hot whimpering dies on my mouth as our tongues battle in pleasure. Kotaro, then, starts moaning as he uses my body for his own. I’m leaking so much I can feel the sheets completely wet already. And since I’ve slightly moved Sakusa closer to me, I can see his immense hard on leaking too. 

Tetsuro notices too, turning him so they can both be face to face even if his partner stays on his profile, so he doesn’t miss a thing. Our kiss breaks, but Sakusa forgets as soon as the presence of his main dish tonight is right on sight. And from all the possibilities, we are all aware that there is no one like Tetsuro Kuroo to take a breath away.

Kotaro knows me so well, he grabs me by the hips to move me, too. I’m still on four, now with my forehead way too close to Sakusa’s waist. However, that’s not where I want to be. I crawl to his hips, and I start blowing him as we both keep on being fucked. His groans reach a deeper note. Mine, on the other hand, disappear as my throat stays muted while I suck. The pace is only reduced a tiny bit when the closeness between Kotaro and Tesso allow them to share the momentum too. I bring my sight up to see how Tetsuro brings my man closer for a kiss. As they make out, my legs start to shake and I can sense Sakusa’s doing so too. The image of them both devouring each other could be enough for me to explode. But, still, I want to last a little longer. And they do too, so that’s what they stop.

The low groans our tops share are when they are back at us bottoms are enough for me to stay focus on what I want. In case Kotaro forgets about it, I bring my chest down as my ass remains up, and as I bring myself back to take him whole, he grabs onto my hips aggressively. 

I need to bring Sakusa out of my mouth, otherwise I’m afraid I will bite him.

Instead, and even though I still jerk him off, I look for my own cock and stroke it so I can give myself completely to the encounter. A short while later, when Kotaro brings his right leg up, bent and pressing against the mattress with a strong foot, I know he is about to cum.

“I’m close”, he cries to me. Some of my favorite words, spoken as a celestial chorus that puts a smile on my face. “Babe, I’m…”.

“Do it”, I cry back. “Fill me”. I know he won’t go anywhere and, still, my right left-hand flies back to keep him close to me. 

He speeds up his moves to a point in which I can’t even think clearly. The couple next to us slows a bit down as I’m unable to stay still. I no longer grab Sakusa’s cock; there is nothing I can give him right now other than pain. Instead, I use that pressure against the sheets as Kotaro fucks me to the limit till he reaches his own orgasm.

As always, the moment in which I feel how he cums inside of me make my whole body shiver, and my goosebumps make me fall against the mattress. My man presses against me with one leg still bent and both hands on my hips. Until the last drop is not yet on me, the strength of his arms and legs don’t light up a bit.

When he does, his right hand finds its way between the bed and my belly. He scratches my skin till he reaches my lower abs. There, shaky as he is, he presses nervously as he kisses my nape. I share another smile, sadly he can’t see this one, but he can indeed feel my own palm when I grab his hand to keep it there. 

At least, while no one wants anything from me.

“Did you come too?”, a broken Sakusa asks me. 

I bring my sight up; for a second, I literally forgot they were here, and now that I remind myself with the breathtaking picture of them both, I sense my dick throbbing again.

“No”, I say. “Not yet”.

As he nods, Kotaro leaves my body and Sakusa pulls Tesso back so he can move towards me. He doesn’t change my posture, only my position. Still on four, he gets behind me and before my boyfriend’s cum can leak out, our guest dick is already inside of me.

I groan in pleasure, but soon after I can’t make any more sounds; Sakusa starts pounding against me with so much intensity I can’t even keep my eyes open. I think I break the sheets with my nails, but I can’t come to confirm. This has been what I’ve been wanting from him since I knew of his interest. Still, I didn’t expect to get it anytime soon. Not with Tesso around. Not with Kotaro’s possessiveness playing a role between us.

But my man has made me his, already; his sperm is still inside of me, mixing with Sakusa’s precum as he uses it as lube. And Tetsuro, still not over yet, is back on his knees behind the guy who thought that could focus on me and on me only.

Of course, it’s not the case. And even though I’ve closed my eyes again, I can totally feel when Tesso gets inside of him once more. Unlike before, he manages to keep thrusting against me as my friend does the exact same against him. Surrendered as I am, bite my own forearm as I feel fucked by both at the same time.

When Kotaro, on his knees in front of me, lifts my chin to look for me, I’m all tears and marked lips. He still smiles with hunger and devotion. More than anyone, he knows how much I’m enjoying this, and how needy I am already to cum. Therefore, he lifts me a bit more and presses my face against his crotch. I open my mouth as soon I’m there. His dick may not be as hard anymore, but it’s still big enough for me to suck. He won’t cum again; we are not doing this for him, but for me. As he fucks my mouth, my cock throbs and my hand looks for it to stroke it to the limit.

I know I’m gonna explode and, just like before, Sakusa’s desire to do the same blinds me enough to forget about myself for a short while.

“Shit, I’m coming”, he says. 

But this time I can’t just wait any longer. 

I cum before he does. I do so resting my forehead on Kotaro’s abs, and as I bite my lips to not pass out by bliss, Sakusa pulls back on me and I turn my face to see him come. Tesso is still pushing, but he has grabbed his partner’s dick to stroke it and make it explode on top of my butt cheeks. As he still goes on and on, Tetsuro doesn’t stop pounding as he looks for his own orgasm. When he reaches it, both Sakusa and I are totally destroyed. I’ve fallen against Kotaro’s body, and he holds me like an exhausted in need of a warm hug. The other two, on the other hand, do what they can to not pass out as Tesso holds Sakusa still on his knees. His eyes remind closed as his lungs get used to a normal breathing speed again. My friend, as I try to catch his glance for once, winks at me with a soft smile.

I can only give him back the second one.

Little by little, I think we all pass out and fall asleep, except for me. I, firstly, go to the bathroom to remove my contact lens because I don’t want to risk getting them stuck as I sleep. When I’m back in bed, Kotaro hugs me with both hands crossed on my belly. Another smile appears on my face. Yeah, I still carry him, as stupid as it sounds. That will stop once I lose consciousness but, so far, the sensation will remain the same.

***

The only two in a hurry to get dressed after our super short nap are the ones that don’t live here. Still, Kotaro and I do the same because staying naked as our partners are not feels a bit awkward. With Tesso it’s fine. With Sakusa, I guess it’s better if we don’t make a mess out of this. Not a bigger one, at least. If possible.

“Can you walk?”, Tetsuro asks him.

Both Kotaro and I look at each other but don’t laugh at loud. He is being kind, that’s undeniable, but I don’t think Sakusa will take it just like a noble gesture and not like a mock. Exactly as I expect, our guest tonight stares at our friend with a soft redness on his cheeks.

I think that’s why he is pretty fast at recovering his facemask from the ground.

“Sure”, he says, half ashamed and half proud of himself. “Of course I can”.

The truth is, he had to sit down to get his jeans on, so I don’t know if that’s totally true.

I can, but I totally can’t run right now. Thankfully, Kotaro and I will get some food delivery for dinner so I don’t have to move. 

“I’m gonna head out now, guys”, Tetsuro says. He comes to bed to kiss my forehead and then rub my boyfriend’s messy hair. Our friend’s doesn’t look any better, to be fair. “I told Kenma I was gonna arrive later today, but I don’t want it to be too late”. 

Sakusa wanting to meet with us today made us change plans. We were supposed to go get my mom to the airport tonight, and I had to send her directly to her hotel with a vague excuse. I hope she understands, one can’t get fucked by Sakusa every day!

“Was he streaming today?”, I ask. 

“Only in the morning. That’s why I want to get home soon”. Understandable.

“Give him a hug!”, Kotaro shouts as our friend reaches the door, where Sakusa is.

“Sure!”, he says, but then he turns to our guest and offers him a hand to shake. A manly and professional way… an ironic, if you think of how hard and deep he has fucked him tonight. Both pair of eyes shine bright like diamonds. “It was a pleasure, man”, he says. “I hope we meet again soon”.

Tesso leaves before Sakusa manages to reply properly.

“Yeah”, he says to an empty space between the door and himself. “I do too”.

Then, he turns towards us and I let Kotaro do the job of standing up to say goodbye. I hope he doesn’t complain, if I’m broken is because of their fault, actually.

“See you around”, he says to my man. “Thanks for… inviting me”.

“Thanks to you!!”. As cheerful as ever, Kotaro palms his shoulder before a hug. 

This is actually fun to watch. Sometimes, when we meet with someone known, they feel like strangers after fucking or even making out with us. On the other hand, there are a few of them that even stay to spend the rest of the night. I’m afraid Sakusa is part of the first group.

“Hope you had fun”, my boyfriend says. “And that you felt comfortable”.

Sakusa has covered half his face with the mask and, still, his eyes are too obvious when they open wide at the same time he nods.

“Yeah”, he says. “Everything was perfectly fine”.

I wonder how many times will he think of Tetsuro Kuroo pounding him from now on. If he will remember Kotaro’s size when meeting anyone else and the comparative makes the rest look ridiculous next to him. Or if he will think of me at least once, and how I made him cum too, as he gave me my orgasm. 

But, so far, I say bye to him and then my boyfriend closes the door so we can finally rest. I lay back and sigh a loud moan. I look like a starfish right now, but I swear that putting on my pajamas was the hardest thing I’ve done this week.

“I want Chinese food”, I say. “And a good and warm soup”.

“I will get whatever you want”, he tells me as he leans with one knee on the mattress to kiss me. Sorry to him, but I can’t kiss him back right now. “But till we get the food, I’m afraid I will need to bring you out of bed, babe”.

I open my eyes and turn my mouth into a sad pout.

“Why?”.

“These sheets are disgusting right now”. As always, it’s better if we change them before it’s too late. “I will be fast, I promise”.

He lifts me up and moves me to the sofa. I stay there, on the worst possible posture, as he quickly changes the bed dressing in record time. I’m amazed at how athletic he still is, even if he is not a player anymore. It’s impossible to not be exhausted after fucking like he does and, still, there is no sign of tiredness anywhere around.

At least, before having dinner. 

After we get the food and devour every plate, we get to bed to watch some TV show on our projector, but he slowly starts to fall asleep on my shoulder. I’m playing with his hair behind his ear as we lay, but right before he closes his eyes, I look for him.

“Taro”, I call him, softly.

“Yeah?”.

“I love you, madly”, I say.

I don’t mind where or when it is when he is about to fall asleep, I want him to pass out remembering how I feel about him. I want him to get cozy next to me with that big smile on his face, as he buries himself on my neck giving up completely on the TV show.

“I love you too, babe”. Then he’s gone for today, and soon after that I do so too. 

Thankfully, I know I won’t miss him while we are not awake. As most times, I will be waiting for him in the land of dreams.

Chapter Text

YAMAGUCHI

I had to visit the laboratory today, even though it's Saturday and it’s supposed to be a free day. Because of that, I feel exhausted when I get to Karasuno and I see my friends just having fun in the common room. Ah, I’m so jealous right now. Neither Tobio or Shoyo have busy weekends. I don’t want to be that kind of guy but, their career is clearly the less-harder one of the group. Even Hitoka is always moving around, even if this weekend is not the case.

Still, she is not here when I arrive, which is understandable considering she had to go to the train station to pick one of our guests. Some of the others are already here, and the excitement of Shoyo and Tobio is a clear confirmation of it.

As if the loud talking that can be heard from the outside wasn’t enough.

“He started crying like a maniac! The plane wasn’t even shaking that bad!”, says one.

“The plane was about to crash, you fucking idiot!”, the other one defends himself with a clear fear in his voice. “I hate flying, okay!?”.

“Poor Tanaka, he is scared of the safest means of transport!”.

“Shut up, Noya! You couldn’t even notice because you were trying to flirt with the flight attendant!”. That seems to offend his friend. Or blush him. Or both.

“What do you want me to do?! I’m single now, after Asahi broke up with me I feel lonely. But you don't know shit about loneliness because you are married now”.

“Wait, you got married?”, I say when I come into the room. Tobio looks asleep on the sofa, with Shoyo sat on top of him and playing with the laces of his hoodie. Both Tanaka and Noya are on the floor, right in front of them. “And you broke up with Asahi? Again?”.

“In my defense, I only got married once”, Tanaka points out. “And it will be forever”.

“You know how Asahi is”, Shoyo says. “They will be back together in a week”.

That’s actually true. I think this is the fifth break up they go through.  

“Hello, Yams”. Nishinoya stands up and comes quickly to me for a hug. He is clearly not affected by the topic; he knows better than anyone that he and his man will be back together soon enough to forget about the time they've been separated. “It’s been so long! You have grown up!”.

So, these two are some friends we made when we came into college. They finished their careers a few years ago. Well, they both quitted, to be fair, but because as we all know, not everyone needs to study one to get where they want to be. And so far, they have succeed on their different dreams: Tanaka is a personal trainer, that’s why he started studying to be a physio, but left to do a private grade somewhere else that focused on what he wanted to do in life; Noya, on the other hand… just wanted to travel. He studied Tourism and quitted once he became way too popular on social media and discovered he didn’t need to work for an agency to go anywhere. 

The first one, apparently, has married Kiyoko, the love of his life and the girl he was going out with since highschool. Noya… Well, him and his boyfriend are pretty messy, but I know they will get married too. It’s just that Asahi, his boy, is always filled up with doubts and fears whenever they get separated for a short while. Noya is way too enthusiastic, and the other guy… Let’s say he needs to learn to love and be loved on equal terms. 

But they were cute together. I wish Asahi would have come, too.

“I’m as tall as always, but, thanks”, I say before I turn to Tanaka. “So, married, huh?”.

Damn, everyone seems to go on with their relationships even if it’s for a wedding or a break up. And then it’s me, here, stuck on… nothing at all. If at least I was taller, as Noya always says to make fun of himself being the shortest of us all… But I don’t even get that.

“Yes”. Tanaka smiles brightly. “Sorry I didn’t invite any of you, we really made it private”. We know he is right. Plus, he lives pretty far now, not all of us have the money to travel around like Noya does. “At least I’m not Daichi and Suga”.

“Can you move on?”, Shoyo cries out. “They told you it was a small event. Only family and close friends!”.

“But they invited Noya!”. He is still not over our two colleagues getting married and not telling everyone. I wasn’t that close to them, Shoyo and Tobio were the two that, due to volley, could call them friends. But Tanaka and Noya were, and…

“They invited Asahi”, Noya clarifies. “And he brought me with him”.

“Kiyoko didn’t bring me with her”, he cries out. “She took Yachi instead, how could she?! She knew I wanted to go!”.

“Do you have any problem with me attending the wedding, you jackass?”.

My friend’s voice breaks the conversation from the entrance of the room, and as soon as I turn to see her, Noya is already jumping for a hug. Even though of the words just said, Tanaka is also running to hug the girl.

I’m not going to lie; right now, the least I care about is any of them.

“Wow, weddings”, says the guy she came with. “I actually love weddings, it’s the perfect place to find someone desperate for a hookup”.

Yuji Terushima. One of the most annoying pricks we know, even if he is a good guy and everyone here considers him a colleague. He gets people on their nerves, mostly because he never shuts up, always speaks up his mind and can be quite pushy. Since he studied fashion design with Asahi, he used to be around Karasuno. Noya’s future husband has a fashion brand and it’s quite popular. Terushima, on the other hand, just has a small business as a private beauty assistant. He always looks quite trendy, with tight colored jeans, baggy shirts and hands full of rings or bracelets. He hasn’t changed his hairstyle in years, still blond on top, combed back with silky hairspray, and brunette on the shaved sides. Also, every piercing he got in highschool, apparently, he hasn’t removed either: apart from his ears, he has some on his eyebrow, lower lip and tongue. That last one, I can’t confirm he keeps it from afar, but I’m aware he loves it, so I highly doubt it could be gone.

Sadly for me, he is my ex boyfriend, so I also know why he likes that one in particular.

“That’s why I didn’t invite you to mine”, Tanaka tells him as he goes for a salute. “How is everything, man? We didn’t know you were coming, too”.

“True”, he says as he hugs Tanaka back. “I told Asahi, but I didn’t know you two broke again, so I suppose that’s why he didn’t tell you”. Sure, he and Asahi are still friends, so that’s why somehow we all keep in contact. “But I hope you all were warned in time”.

He uses that word in particular as he looks for me. 

Yeah, I was. Hitoka told me when she knew about it… but that hasn’t helped at all.

“Hey, Yuji”, I say, offering my hand with a smile.

I swear no one has looked at me the way he does. I would feel irresistible if it wasn’t because sometimes I fear how much he likes me.

“Yammy”. He grabs my hand but just so he can use it to bring me closer and look for a closer interaction. As he hugs me, I hold my breath because I don’t want to be reminded of his candy scent. I… liked it way too much. “You’ looking good, as usual”.

“Ah, thank you. You too”. I shouldn’t have said that, even if it’s true, because now I’ve given him a reason to try for something more. He never needed much more than that. “Glad to see you. Hitoka told me you were coming”.

“Did she? Wasn’t it exciting?”, he jokes. “The expectation, the wait…”.

“Chill, you dickhead”, my girlfriend says as she pulls him back. “You’ve just arrived”

The strangest thing here is that Hitoka is friends with someone like Yuji. Since he was quite annoying when he came around, always after Kiyoko, who was and is her best friend and, well, also me, she started to hate him. But then the guys became friends, and he proved to be a good guy when, mysteriously, I decided to give him a chance. So, now they get along well. And so do Shoyo and Tobio, that finally stand up to say hi to the guy.

But that’s all. Sadly for the group, not everyone likes Yuji Terushima… And he doesn’t even know he is coming back this weekend.

“Tsukki!!!”, Noya screams as he sees Kei coming into the room. He’s carrying a grocery bag; he told me he would go to pick some things not only for us to have in the room, but also in case we stayed indoors today with Noya and Tanaka.

If he hugs our smaller friend back it’s not because he is affectionate now. It’s simply because he is staring at Yuji with bleeding eyes.

“So... that was unexpected”, he confesses. 

As soon as Tanaka and Noya move aside, Yuji proves why he can still be a rough guy to be around. Especially for someone like Kei.

“What’s up, moony?”, he says. I was bold to think he would have forgotten about that stupid nickname already, but he called me Yammy, too, so that’s too much to ask for I guess.

Kei is moony because his surname means moon. I’m Yammy because… well, everyone calls me Yams, and he said Yammy sounded like yummy, and, since he likes me… God, I’m already blushing with shame. And he has been here for less than two minutes. I don’t think this will have a good outcome, I’m afraid.

“Terushima”, Kei says, making clear he’s not accepting the nickname, as he never did. “Didn’t know you were coming, too”.

“How so?”. Ah, shit. There he goes. “Yammy didn’t tell you? He knew!”.

And now he is confronting us like usual. Come on, Tadashi, you are better than this. Just keep it cool, don’t fall on any trap. You knew Yuji was going to be annoying. And you were also aware of how Kei could react. That’s why you didn’t tell him, because you weren’t ready to handle his rage.

As he looks at me, I can read his mind. “ Yammy? ”, I see he asks me. “ Is he really calling you that disgusting shit still? ”. I only shrug. It’s better if I don’t take part of this stupid fight.

“He didn’t”, Kei says with an inquisitor voice. “Sadly”.

“It was a surprise”, I reply, as I get close to him to pick up his bags. I’m surprised Noya and Tanaka didn’t break anything when jumping into his arms. “I will take them to the room”. Which means, he can come with me so we can talk.

Yuji doesn’t say anything more as we quickly leave to reach the staircase. Noya and Tanaka will be loud enough for us to shirk the reception without them complaining As soon as we are in the upper floor, Kei overtakes me to look for me. He wants to have this chat face to face, apparently.

“You knew?!”.

“Of course I did”. I open the door so we don’t talk in public. “Don’t lose your mind, okay? I knew you would be horrified, so I didn’t want to worry you a week ahead”.

“A week?!”. That doesn’t help, either. “You should have told me. I would have looked for an option to go away from here”.

“Noya and Tanaka ara here too, remember?”.

We don’t have a fridge, properly said, but Kenma gets so many due to the energy drinks he takes that he gave us one for each room a while ago. So that’s where I put the juice and milk he has bought. And the fruit. And some chocolates he always gets because they look like dinosaur cookies. 

“I can meet him any other time. It’s not that we are close friends”.

“Come on, Kei. They love you”.

“But I hate Yuji”. Which is true. “And I don’t understand how you don't hate him, too”.

Well, that’s hard to explain, and I wish he didn’t bring it up. So far, I don’t have bad feelings against him. He was a good guy with me; he, indeed, has been one of the nicests ones I’ve been with: caring, tender, passionate… he was loyal too, even if he clearly is way too interested in one night stands. But, also, he was too frenetic. He was so proud of being in a relationship with me he couldn’t shut up about it. Everybody knew. And, if they didn’t, they got to know as soon as we were around, because Yuji rarely controlled himself with me.

Always kissing me, always… touching way too much. I was okay with all of that when we were alone or only with closer friends, but he literally loved to act like an alfa with his omega even when he came to visit me at the laboratory. 

And, who knows, maybe I would have been fine with it once I would have gotten used to it, but… It was impossible since Kei was always around, and he hated how he never cared about my embarrassment, or my discomfort. He hated him deeply, he always thought he was going too far with me, and even though he wasn’t the only one, the truth is, I never complained. It wasn’t that bad; I liked to be loved. But was made it impossible for me to handle it knowing Kei wasn’t okay with it.

Yes, Hitoka hates me a bit after that. So far, she is the only one that knows that I really break up with him simply because of Kei. It wasn’t fair, I know. Kei never wanted to even tell people like Noya or Tanaka we had a thing. To this day, they still don’t know. And I’ve always tried to move on from this futureless relationship by meeting new people. Yuji was one of them, and he never hid what we had going on. And it felt strange. It felt weird to see someone that never wanted to hold hands in public to complain about another guy wanting to stay close to me all the time. 

Hitoka says he was jealous, and that he had no right to be. If that was the case or it was not, I suppose I will never know myself. Kei didn’t tell me, but he was clearly relieved when I told him Yuji and I were over. I guess I will never know what would have happened if Yuji and I had stayed together… but I suppose the break up was meant to be: he doesn’t live here anymore, and I’m bonded to HQ University for a long while.

“He didn’t kill my grandma or anything”, I say once I’m done filling up the fridge.

“Why do you say such a thing?”, he asks.

“Because you act as if he did kill yours, Kei”. I get closer as if that would help me understand, after so many years, what’s wrong with it. “Do you know something I don’t? Did he cheat on me and no one told me? Did he use to talk shit about me on my back, or…?”.

“No”, he confirms. “But he wasn’t any better to your face”.

There we go again.

“I was quite happy with how he was to my face, Kei”. And that’s what he never understood my point. 

Now he is the one that uses the grocery bag’s excuse to go away. 

“Then you should have married him instead”.

“Instead of what?”. He stops halfway, but he doesn’t turn around. I think I hear him sighing, and I don’t like it. Is he annoyed? If that’s the case, I’m even more. “Instead of going back to being single? Of not wanting a long distance relationship because someone taught me to fear them?”. Kei not only stays in silence, he also avoids turning back. “Instead of wasting my time with someone that doesn’t even kiss me in front of others?”.

“If that’s the case, then why do insist?”. As he moves, I’m paralyzed. It feels like a nonstop competition between the two of us. “If I’m that horrible, then why…?”.

“Because I want to”. He finally looks for me over his shoulder. “Because the one that complains about us is you, not me”. I’m scared he could fight me back, but he doesn’t. “I don’t hate him, but I don’t hate you either. Is that so hard to understand?”.

People think I must be mad at him for the relationship we have. Or, better said, the one we don’t have. Actually, the only one who finds reason to feel like that is him, not me. Kei has been despising himself for what he “does to me” that, to this day, I’m afraid he is angrier at me for breaking up with Yuji that what he was with Yuji for dating me. 

As if I didn’t choose for myself. I’ve always known what I have and want. Some things may be painful, that’s undeniable, but it’s still my fault to feel the pain, not Kei’s. He has always been pretty clear. If I want to stay with him even of that, it’s mine to do, not him.

“I wish you could open yourself to me at least once”, I say. “That would help me comprehend why me breaking up with him seems to cause the same reaction in you than the idea of me marrying him”.

When I think he is finally going to give me an explanation, the door opens after a few fast knocks and Tobio crosses the frame with exhausted expression. Kei steps back after a short movement to the front, and I hold my breath because I know I missed the chance.

“Please, tell him to go away”, Tobio tells me. “Shoyo was telling us about something that made him happy, he interrupted him, and then kept talking, making Shoyo look down sad”. I sigh, because I know what he’s talking about. “And I hate that”.

Yuji doesn’t mean wrong; he normally is too enthusiastic about every kind of detail, so when he remembers something, he quickly needs to share it. That makes him interrupt people all the time… and not everybody knows how to react to that. Shoyo is one of them.

Tobio, therefore, too.

“I can’t tell him to go away, you know that, right?”.

“He is here because of you”. I side eye Kei and see how his brow rises up as a clear gesture of thinking the exact same. Nice, now I have two idiots who are always fighting, teaming up against me. Well, against my ex! It’s not even me! “He’s annoying”.

“You say the same about Kei, do you want him to go away too?”.

“Hey”, Kei tries to defend himself, but I ignore him.

“I prefer Tsukki to Yuji”. When Tobio says that, both of us look at him clearly surprised. “Yes, imagine how much I despite him”.

“Okay, are you sick?”, Kei asks. “Fever? Nausea? A stroke?”.

“I take it back”. That was fast.

“I’m sorry, Tobio; I didn’t tell Yuji to come…”. I was aware of how everyone was going to be quite uncomfortable with him around, but it’s not that I can change that. “But, thanks for your concern. At least now Kei knows you don’t hate him that much”.

“That’s only because Terushima is at the top of the worst-boyfriends-Tadashi-Yamaguchi-had list”.

“Actually”, Kei tries to speak up, “Tadashi and I have never been boyfriends, so I shouldn’t be on that list, neither for good or bad”. I nod, because that’s true.

“I’m trying to be nice”, Tobio complains. “Couldn’t you appreciate it?”.

“You are only nice because you don’t like Terushima”, Kei adds.

“He is only being nice because he was into you during high school times”, I say, “and that’s the reason why he counts you as a better option than Yuji”.

I used that memory on purpose, just because I wanted to see Kei getting chills out of disgust and Tobio getting all flushed and mad. As he turns to me to talk, I’m afraid he will start yelling in a second.

“Could you not bring that back!?”, he, indeed, screams. 

“Ah, there comes the nightmare again…”. Kei starts massaging his temples.

“That’s how you pay me being nice to you!?”, Tobio fights back.

This is stupid, but at least they have forgotten about Yuji for a while. I know how to treat with them, especially when those topics come to the surface. If Shoyo were here… he would be laughing his ass off. It’s our favorite conversation: reminding them that, when Shoyo started dating Kenma, Tobio was so jealous he tried to date Kei to make Shoyo jealous back. Of course, Kei ran away from the possibility, and all of us laughed at Tobio for weeks.

It worked, though. Not that my ginger friend was jealous at all, but it made him realize his supposed to be only friend was madly in love with him. Sadly, and even if him and Kenma broke up immediately, my friends didn’t get together anytime soon after that.

And that part of the story is one I don’t really like to remember… and both know that. To my disgrace, and even if it hurts them both too, they prefer to use it against me while hurting each other instead of letting it go.

“I still try to forget how serious you were when asking me out”, Kei complains. “And not even thinking about how you ran after Toru Oikawa afterwards and dated him even if you loved Shoyo makes it any better”. There it is. The forbidden topic.

When I see Tobio smile, I’m already on my way to the door to leave.

“Then you could think of when him and I broke up. I bet you like the memory of Toru Oikawa going after Yams way better than my relationship with him”.

“I’m leaving”, I quickly say. And after that, I just close the door on my back.

They don’t come after me; they have already pushed me away, so I’m done. 

Couldn’t they just… stop? Yes, it was my fault; I mentioned Tobio’s attempt to date Kei as a revenge to Shoyo, so he used my… horrible experience trying to avoid Toru Oikawa once him and my friend broke up.

In his defense, it’s not that Oikawa was bad, annoying or rude to me. But… He was too possessive with Tobio, even if it was obvious he was in love with his now boyfriend Iwaizumi. Sometimes, when we cross paths with him in campus, I still think he is. But, since Tobio broke up with him so he could finally date Shoyo, I felt used as revenge. Just like what my friend did with Kei, but with the clear difference of Tobio being just silly, while Oikawa clearly had something different in mind with me.

But that’s not the worse part. The truth is… I said no just because I knew that, even if Shoyo and Tobio were in love since forever, I was also sure he felt something for Oikawa. And I felt bad just considering the idea, since back then I wasn’t that emotionally developed to understand he was using me to make him jealous. I was just an inexperience teen with a broken heart because my crush didn’t want me as a boyfriend. And Toru Oikawa was… Gosh, he was too much. And even if now I know I was lucky to run away from there before hurting myself with wrong ideas, sometimes I still wonder what would have happened if…

I mean, I’ve been with guys and girls outside a formal relationship, so, if I had said yes to Toru Oikawa, he would also be on that list Tobio was talking about. 

In which position would he rank him, if that were the case? Would he…?

“So?”, I jump as a funny voice breaks my bubble of silence. “Are you free now?”.

I turn back to see Yuji with both arms on his back and arrogant eyes. Was he looking for me? There is no one else around in this corridor, and it’s not my floor either. Wait, how did I get in here? I was walking around, and… Damn, I’m on the female section I think. Maybe he was waiting for Hitoka? 

Come on, Tadashi, stop looking for an excuse: you know he wasn’t looking for her.

“I guess”, I say. “You meant free to talk, right?”.

“What else could it be?”.

As he smile, I know he meant something different, but talking works for him just fine.

“I was calming Kei a bit down. You know, he gets tense with many people gather around him out of a sudden”.

“With many people, you mean me?”. I don’t manage to answer. “Come on, Yammy, after so many years, don’t lie to me as if I was a child”.

“If you know the answer, why insisting on me giving it to you?”.

“Because it’s been a while”. That’s true, but it means nothing. “And you are the only one that never replies to my messages”.

I’ve been… busy? No, I’ve been avoiding him. Why? Simply because I’m never mentally prepared to have a conversation with someone that brings back so many good memories to me… and also such bad ones. Those, sadly for me, are not even related to our relationship itself, but what this one caused to others. Of course, I mean Kei.

And he knows that. Even if he was hurt when we broke up, especially since he never believed me when I said it was because he was going away, he coped with it thanks to the obvious fact of Kei being affected by it. Yes, he lost me, but Kei didn’t get me, either.

As if I was a prize to win… or one to fight for.

“So, did you decide to cut ties with me just because it was painful for you, or because you started dating Tsukishima and he forbade you to keep contact with me?”.

Yes. We are all aware of Kei hating him, but I don’t think everyone is aware of how much Yuji despises Kei back. To me, I think that was the worst feeling when being together. Especially because we didn’t even tell him we had a thing going on before him and I dated, but Kei was so obviously affected by our relationship he, as Hitoka, assumed he was jealous. And he got his own conclusions… which were right.

Of course Kei and I had feelings for each other. And the possibility of me having them still while being with Yuji drove this one crazy. 

My girlfriend always said the main issue on my relationship was Kei’s jealousy. I sometimes could swear the one that was obviously jealous was my boyfriend back then. 

And who am I to blame him, if after so many years and many people in my life, the guy I love is still my first love, and not anyone who came afterward?

“I’m not dating him, Yuji. But thinking he could do such a thing is not…”.

“Come on, Yammy, I was kidding”. But he was not. 

Instead of letting him know, I just sigh and let it go for my own good.

“So, how long are you staying?”, I decide to ask, so we change the topic.

“Just a few weeks. I don’t know if Yachi told you, but I’m here for the conference program. They called me in”. I’m aware.

Autumn is normally the season of conferences in HQ university. Alumni from all ages and careers come to participate, and that’s why people like Nishinoya, Tanaka, Yuji or even Daichi, our old colleague, are around these days. It’s well paid, this is the most important university of the area and the closest ones, so not even people that quitted before graduating want to miss the opportunity to talk in front of first or second graders.

“I’m leaving afterward”, he says. “If you were wondering”. Actually, I was, yes. “Is distance still a barrier for you, Yammy?”.

Wow, that’s… to direct. I’m shocked, and I think I blush as I slowly feel like everything turn around. Was he flirting with me before? I mean, I supposed he could be, but since he is my ex boyfriend and he always had that kind of behavior, I didn’t really expect it to be serious. Was it, then? He has been here for less than an hour and he is already trying to get back with me? 

“Sorry, I didn’t expect that question”, I confess.

As he laughs, I feel like I could hide under a rock. Why am I so embarrassed out of a sudden? I know him, he knows me and, still, it feels as if he was flirting with me for the first time in forever.

“It’s fine”, he says. “A month is enough time for me to get an answer”.

So he expects me to give him one before he leaves? An answer to… what, exactly?

Did he really propose me to try to date again, or am I going too far?

“Till then, and just so you know, I’m single”, he says. “And I have money”, he winks an eye, “since my business is doing pretty well. Which means, I can move wherever I want”.

What. He could… move here? What?!

Why am I getting that tense all of a sudden?! Why is my heart beating that fast?!

Since we broke up years ago, I haven’t think of him in that way a single time. If the topic comes up it’s inevitable for me to think of the perks of dating him, but I never thought I would like to try again. Because I don’t, right? Like, I mean,  is it even an option? Is he really so interested in me still as to move to this town to be with me?

I’m not that relevant. I’ve never been, to anyone. 

Not even to Kei.

Sadly, not to Kei.

“I won’t… astonish you that fast”, he jokes. “It’s been nice to see you, but now I must go to my old frat to see my mates and rest a bit. But I hope to see you around tonight, for the party”. Oh, true, the one all the group have prepared to welcome them back in. “And don’t worry, Yammy, you know I can do no-commitment too”.

As he keeps walking away from me, I stay where I am trying to not panic as I look for a proper answer to what the hell just happened. Since all that comes to mind is Yuji hitting on me and me blushing like old times, I can’t help myself but smile at the simple idea of reviving all the memories that made our relationship feel special.

But as soon as I look up and see Kei confused at the end of the corridor, looking at me without saying a word, my smirk disappears as devastation fills my heart again. Will I ever be able to overcome what never existed and embrace what could be instead, or will I perish into the cruel reality of accepting my fate? Sadly, I don’t know. So far, all I know is that Kei decides to go downstairs without asking me why was I smiling so stupidly. 

Maybe it’s better if he doesn’t know. Perhaps, on the other hand, would be better if he finally understood that, just like him, I can also try to move on.

Chapter Text

KENMA

I’m so famous I don’t need to do collabs with other streamers to get more viewers. Still, my fans enjoy when I bring people to my lives. I rarely call other gamers. Yes, I get along with some of them, especially the ones I used to talk with when I was a teen and the streaming world was still being built. But that’s a hard task. Even if you know someone, you still are unsure of how they will act in front of your people.

I can’t risk playing a co-op game with a dude that could make a racist comment live, or be an stupid sexist, transphobic, ableist douchebag. I’ve created an anti-bigot community I really love. Hate is not allowed, discrimination is banned from the root. And thinking you know someone on screen doesn’t really prove you do. A bad game can bring the worst out of people. And while I can start swearing against the creator of all unicorns and the descendants of the apple trees (for example), someone sharing a session with me could destroy my career if they decide to use the wrong words.

So, I only bring people I know well. If I need to play something that requires a team, I call Bokuto, and we join our team from when we were young for a nostalgic round. And if I have to bring someone with me at home… It’s pretty obvious who I choose.

“Guys, I’m so not gonna play a volley game just because Shoyo is here”.

My friend is so popular he doesn’t even believe my fans are being serious. Yeah, perhaps he is still not a famous volley player worldwide, but he is well known among my people. They love him, actually. They say he is so cheerful, so full of energy and is so charismatic that they wish he could come more often to play with me. Sadly, my lives go on during the morning, and he is usually in college at that time. Today, though, it’s Sunday, so we are having a non-scheduled session since he came to see me, and we were gonna play anyway.

“That’s because he thinks I’m gonna win!”, he yells at the microphone.

So far, he still doesn’t understand he doesn’t have to: get closer to it, yell at it, hold its base. Also, I’ve explained that he doesn’t need to stay firm in front of the camera; this is not the news channel. But while we are not playing, he is way too cute and respectful.

Then I beat him on Fortnite, and he starts swearing as if he were five years old. 

“You poopface of orcs and rats!”. He attempts with crashing my most expensive controller to the floor and I have to stop him.

“If you do that, I will kill you in person”. 

He should be scared of my looks if he would stop covering his face with angry hands. Then Tobio will text me telling me his boyfriend looks as if he would have been beaten up, and I will have to prove my innocence by sending him the clips of our stream. 

We’ve tried to bring him to the lives too, but we did it once and they both started fighting like kids in front of half a million people… and they were playing Animal Crossing. Tobio stole Shoyo’s peaches, and that started one of the most epic wars of my channel. Yeah, I laughed like crazy and my fans did too, but after that I had to take them both for dinner because they wouldn’t even look at each other. 

Stupid kids, thank god I will never be a father.

“Okay, guys. So, we are gonna call it here”, I announce after almost two hours of session. Shoyo has said he’s not gonna play videogames ever again. “I promise I will try to bring the amazing Hinata to the channel pretty soon”.

“And I promise”, he is back at yelling at the microphone, “I will convince him to play a volley game with me!”.

“Gimme that back you prick”, I recover my micro before he breaks it or something. “Okay, now we are leaving for sure, guys!”. I bring my game screen to the goodbye layout. As I talk, my friend gets excited while seeing all the cats that I have dancing around the screen. “Thank you all for being here, for all the subs, views, gifts and challenges. Remember, I will be here tomorrow, too! I know Mondays are usually free, but next weekend is my birthday, so, this week’s schedule is a special one!”. As I place the timings on screen, Shoyo starts clapping because he is way too excited. “Still, I will announce it on social media”. I read my chat for a bit. “No, shinymewtwo23, I won’t announce my birthday. The schedule!”. I roll my eyes and my fans start laughing. “Anyway, see you guys tomorrow, okay?”. I give them a few seconds to say bye, then I look at the camera and wave. “ Bah eeeeeeeeeehh! ”.

Once the live is finally over, I lean back on my gamer chair and sigh. My forced smile and fake active attitude can rest now. Okay, maybe forced and fake are not the words, because I really love my job, but… Even if my fans know me well, and are totally fine with it, I can’t just stay silent and all lean back on my chair as I play, right? I need to take it seriously. It’s my work, after all, and even though I obviously love it and it’s not as hard as being a physicist like Kuro, I can’t do it as I normally do when I’m alone or playing with Shoyo on our own. But I’m used to it. It took me years to do so, especially since I knew I wanted to do this for a living… And now, well, I can do it. It’s fine, really! But once I turn off the camera and can go back to normal, I feel… relieved.

“It was so fun, Kenma”, Shoyo says. He has a huge smile on his face and looks as if he would have been training for hours. “I wish I could come more often”.

“You know you only need to knock at the door”. He doesn’t need to warn me; he is welcome to sneak in whenever. “If you wanna repeat next weekend, we can try that horror game we were talking about earlier. Maybe Tobio wants to…”

“Kenma, your birthday”. Oh, shit. I just mentioned it on my stream, how did I forget already? It’s my fucking birthday!. “Which, by the way…  do we have any news about it? You know Tobio likes to know plans with time ahead”.

Me too, actually, but I still haven’t talked about it with Kuro nor the guys. 

It’s not gonna be a big deal. Me, unlike most of my friends, prefer a small date night with colleagues and loved ones… snacks, board games, music and no sleep. I can party, even if I always look exhausted, but, please, let’s ignore huge crowded places or events, can we?!

“All I know is that it will take place in here”, I say. “At home, no biggie”.

“I like that”, he says. “Do you know how many people you want around?”. Since we know each other since we were teens, he’s aware of how hard it is for me to socialize.

“I’m fine with the usual amount”. Which, to be fair, depends on the day and time.

“So…”. I think my friend suddenly feels nervous. As I stand up to stretch, he brings both his feet up to the seat and hugs his legs. “Would you be mad if we bring Noya and Tanaka?”. 

It amazes me how he can turn into a kid whenever he feels like it. I know it works with his boyfriend, but, to me, it causes no effect. 

Well, I want to pinch his cheeks and make fun of him, but I don’t do it! 

“They are around only for a few weeks, and they have conferences almost every day, plus we are in class. They like you, and even if they are noisy, they won’t…”.

“Are you aware that I know them both, right?”. He buries his face between his knees. Now he looks like a puppy. “They can come, Shoyo, you know I’m fine with it. I’m just uncomfortable with people if I don’t know them at all”.

“Yeah, talking about that…”. Now I can only see his orange hair. “ Cn Trshm cm too? ”.

“The fuck did you just say?”. 

His eyes are back from behind his legs, and so are his red cheeks.

“Can Terushima come too?”, he finally talks clearly. “I know he is not one hundred percent unknown to you, but you rarely talked with him when he was around”.

“I didn’t know he was in town now, either”. 

I remember that guy. Shoyo is right; we never had a proper relationship. I think I saw him around a million times, but just because Yamaguchi was dating him. I usually tried to ignore them back then. I like Yams, but that dude was… intense. Maybe that’s why Shoyo is asking me. Because I’m totally fine with guys like Nishinoya or Tanaka; actually, they are pretty cool and get along well with some Kuro friends from Nekoma’s frat, but… 

“He’s stuck with us till he leaves at the end of the month. I promise we will take care of him so he doesn’t annoy anyone”.

“Yeah, it’s fine”. I guess I can accept one more person. “Just tell the others they are more than welcome here”. 

“Now you only need to tell us when are we welcomed here”.

“That’s not only mine to decide”. I use those words wisely because, even if we are in my studio, I hear clearly how the house door just closed letting someone in. That means the one that has to help me decide those things is finally home. “Someone still needs to stop fucking working nonstop and be home with me, otherwise I’ll break up with him!”. 

“Yeah, yeah”, Kuro says from the staircase. I go to the door and Shoyo comes with me. 

My boyfriend, as usual, has used Sunday to go to the lab. At least today he brought Bokuto with him, but I had to deal with Akaashi being mad because of that decision. 

As if I could choose! I was asleep when he left!

If I forgive him it’s just because… well, I love him, and he looks fucking good when he goes to work or class. Like, today: dark gray trousers, white shirt, red tie… and a black blazer hanging from his shoulder. The way he looks at me, totally mesmerized by my not-so-real anger, I know he knows I’m not really mad. 

In case there is any doubt, when he arrives at the studio’s door, he frames my face and gives me the softest kiss ever.

I don’t turn towards Shoyo so he doesn’t see me blushing like an idiot.

“I’ve missed you too, kitty”, he says. After that, he goes to my friend. “Hinataaa!”.

“Kurooo!”. They hug each other. “I thought I wouldn’t see you! I was about to leave”.

“I know; I got the stream notification saying you were live with Kenma, so I left soon so I could say hi to you”. 

I guess Bokuto stayed in the lab. 

Damn, Akaashi is gonna hate me.

“You won’t stay for lunch?”, he asks him. “I was gonna prepare some curry”.

“Some old friends are in town, because of the conferences!”, he says. “So we are going to Lightlair to spend the day”. It makes sense. “But, Kenma and I were talking about his birthday! So we will meet again next weekend, won’t we?”.

“Sure!”.

Shoyo picks up his backpack from the floor next to one of my deco shelves, and now he totally looks like that five years old. Especially next to my almost-two-meters-tall boyfriend. Damn, if we consider they are the only two guys I’ve dated, we can say I have a strange taste.

“See ya, Kenma!”, my friend says as he waves from the stairs.

“Bye, Shoyo”.

We both stare at how he gets down and then leaves the house. Kuro doesn’t turn back to me until the door is finally closed. His expression hasn’t changed since he arrived. I know pretty well he is excited to be home again. I mean, we were here all day yesterday. And also almost every other night during the week, but, yeah. Even if this is his house too, I know he still doesn’t feel like this is his proper home .

I really can’t wait for him to finally get his PhD and can relax for a while. Even if we both know his future job won’t be easy… he will always be forced to come back here.

To come back home, with me. Just like today, but forever.

“What’s on your mind, kitty?”, he asks as he leans down to reach my lower height. 

“I was just thinking of how many people are we gonna be next weekend”. If I lie, it’s just because I don’t want him to get depressed. He is here now! No time to worry. “Have you guys talked about it already?”.

“So far, I think, only the same as usual”. I love my brilliant physicist giving me such an imprecise answer. “‘Tora will come, Yaku and Lev too. Fukunaga said I will cook something when I asked will you come? , so I guess that’s a yes”. That puts a smile on my face. “Bokuto and Aka said they will think about it, but they are not really interested, though”. He winks, and that makes me laugh. “Is it okay for you?”. Since both Tora and Fukunaga are not even in college anymore, I’m thankful he got in contact with them to invite them.

It’s fun, because since I’m always home, I never really had the chance to make proper in real life friends. So whenever I used to go to Nekoma to stay the night with Kuro before we got this house, I met all his friends from the frat… and they became mine, too. We may not see each other often, nor talk, even, but they always come to my birthday.

And that’s something that I wouldn’t look for myself; I would be too ashamed to call anyone and invite them. Kuro knows, and that’s why he does it for me. 

“It’s totally fine, yeah”. He smiles purely while he hugs me. As he holds me tight, I turn around and start walking between his arms. He comes after me, like a puppy, till we get to our room and I sit at the bed’s end with him by my side. “Shoyo and Tobio are coming, obviously. They say Noya and Tanaka too. And that guy, Terushima, from Johzenji”. He nods. Kuro knows him? First time I hear about it. “Is it okay for you?”.

Me asking him is quite surprising. Or, at least, he looks amazed.

“It’s your birthday, Kenma”, he reminds me.

“Yeah, but it’s your house too”. 

My trying to not bring those topics up fails the exact moment in which I have to remind him myself that even if we are celebrating my birthday, he has the right to say if he wants someone here or not. Truth is, there is no one I mentioned he could dislike. He’s even fine with someone as pushy as Terushima. So I guess we are fine to go.

“Of course I will be fine”, Kuro says. “Is that famous streamer coming? That one that is friends of Shoyo Hinata, the volley player”. As he starts flirting with me, I bring both my legs to the top of the bed and cross them. Why? No idea, but I feel safer from his charms like that. “I really like him. I may even try to hit on him, you know?”.

“Really? Streamers suck, man”. He tries not to laugh, but he fakes massively and almost falls back to the bed. Without even noticing, I’m already biting my lip. “I can invite him, though. It’s that Kozuken guy, right?”. He nods, also biting is lower lip. He looks way too sexy when he does that. “I can try, but they say he never leaves the home. I bet he stinks”.

“Nah, don’t think so”. He comes closer and kisses me passionately. “He has a hot boyfriend, I doubt he would date someone that hot if he was disgusting”.

I push him back immediately.

“Fuck you”. He burst out a laugh. Even  if I try to go away, he keeps me closer and forces me to sit on top of him. It amazed me how much he loves this posture for… everything. Me liking it just as much it’s not as surprising, though. “Then we are only missing… the plan itself, right? For the party”.

He uses both elbows to cut the distance between us and kiss me again. I stay balanced by palming his pecs. He normally wears shirts one size bigger than usual. If he used one down, his boobs would look massive. I think. I guess. What was I saying again? I forgot.

“We can do whatever you want, kitty”, he says. “And, you know, you only need to give me a sign and I will tell everyone to leave and fuck off”. I try not to smile, but I’m glad he always says that. I feel safer like this, just like it should be at my own home. “Also…”, he gives me another kiss, this one last longer than the ones before. “Aka and I were thinking of telling Tsukishima to come, but we supposed you would invite him anyway, right?”.

That’s… actually a good point. 

“Yeah, talking about that…”. I pause myself because I like that he kisses me again, but I try not to get too distracted.

I make the mistake of trying to get closer so I can move away from him and he takes it way too seriously, as if I was leaning closer. I wanted to have a serious talk right now, but he just brought me down, and now he is on top of me So far I think I’m fine, but then he kisses me deeply, and I can’t hold onto the bedsheets because all that comes to mind right now is how much I like him.

I’m already forgetting what I was gonna say. 

Thank God I had this conversation in mind even before Shoyo arrived this morning, because otherwise, I would have moved on already. 

“I actually didn’t think about Tsukki”. That shocks him enough to stop kissing. “I mean, he hates parties and all of that, especially birthdays. If he wants to come, I’m fine with it, he doesn’t need an invitation”. So far, I think I’ve never invited him, and he has come anyway. “You can totally tell him, if you prefer, but, are you sure about it?”.

He is frowning as we speak. Thanks to his hands palming the bed, he manages to stay quite far from my lips now. So, at least he is not gonna kiss me to shut me up.

“What do you mean?”, he asks me. “I thought you liked him”.

“And I do, I totally do”. 

So far, that was obvious. He may not be my closest friend, but we can totally have a conversation and a good time. Truth is, we even have a similar sense of humor… based on sarcasm. I love to irritate Shoyo, and he does too. 

“Then? What’s wrong?”, he insists on me explaining. 

Therefore, I bring myself closer using my elbows. He kneels straight up between my legs. I take a deep breath before trying to clarify myself.

“How much do you know about his relationship with Yams?”.

I’m afraid he didn’t expect that. It takes him a while to come back from the clouds and find the right words to say.

“Not much”. Sadly, that’s what I thought. “They are not together. Aka says they are a complicated duo, lots of feelings and not really into talking about it”.

“Yeah, well, that’s a fair point”. Aka sums it up pretty accurately. “The thing is, only half of the duo is not really into talking, you know what I mean?”.

“Yes; Tsukishima”. At least that’s not new to him. “Yeah, I know that too: Yamaguchi is clear about what he feels, but Tsukishima has a hard time understanding his emotions. I’ve realized too; he is getting closer to accept some stuff, but, he still needs time I think”.

“That’s what I was trying to say”. As I don’t want him to feel guilty of anything, I place my right hand on his neck as a soft touch to give him love. He gets a bit closer to me, almost touching my forehead with his. I have my brunette hair in a messy ponytail, so I can’t avoid getting some strands on the way between our skins. “You are doing pretty well with him, and so are Aka and Bokuto”.

They have told me already. Yesterday, we had a chat in the morning about what happened on Friday evening, and… damn, that Tsukki is new to me.

I bet I’m not the only one noticing it.

“But Yams is my friend, Kuro”, I remind him. “And as much as I don’t really care what you guys do, Yams is coming to my birthday. And Tsukki too, while you are around”. I think he starts to understand my point. “I don’t want Yams to feel uneasy. I know it’s not my business, it’s their problem and not mine nor yours, but… I don’t want Tsukki to have a rough time trying to deal with both of you, either”.

Somehow, that opens a wild door for him. One that leads him into a room full of scary thoughts. I know that well, because his eyes start moving around just like when he is nervous because of some job or class duty. Do I regret bringing those feelings into the conversation? Sadly, not. It’s important he remembers where he is getting into. Akaashi has never pushed himself towards Tsukki because he knew his context wasn’t easy. Kuro has been into him for so little, I highly doubt he had time to analyze properly. 

Especially if Tsukki is actually reconsidering his feelings. He may be out of his mind, too. Not even noticing how Yams is dealing with this. But, he came to me. He told me how he felt about the love of his life suddenly liking someone else. Not one, but three different people that are clearly attracting him to a new world where hiding is not allowed.

How are they gonna react if, during my birthday, both Yams and Tsukki cross paths with someone like Kuro? Unless my boyfriend leaves his flirting aside for another day, I’m afraid Yams will have to witness a real torture. And if that will be a nightmare for him, it will also be for Tsukki. Maybe he even goes back to square one after discovering how dangerous showing emotions can be.

“I don’t want you to suffer, either”, I tell him. Because he also takes a big part in this, not only for what has to do with their relationship but with himself. Since he is so much into my friend, getting rejected because of other’s person presence may be painful.

Damn it, I’m starting to hate my birthday.

“I won’t”. At least, he sounds confident. “And they won’t, either. At least, because of me”. I kiss his nose, softly. “I will take care”.

“So, you want to invite Tsukki?”.

“Yeah”. His answer comes up pretty fast. “Also Yams. I like the guy”.

“I hope he doesn’t get too overwhelmed. Apart from you and Tsukki, dealing with his ex around won’t be easy either, I guess”.

“Wait, what?”. Damn it, I thought he was aware of that. How does he know Terushima, then? I thought it was because of their past relationship. “Who’s his ex?”.

“Terushima”. His eyes open wider than usual.

Damn, I sometimes forget how narrowed his eyes normally are.

“No fucking way”, he says. “What the fuck was Yamaguchi doing with that dude?”.

“He has a strange taste in men”. Says… me . “He has nothing to do with Tsukki, which is fun. Maybe he was trying to find someone that would be the total opposite. Who knows?”.

“I mean, it clearly didn’t work, if you say he is still into him”.

“Into him? Man, he is madly in love with him”. He shares a short laugh. “His lover record is pretty awesome. Shoyo has told me many things about him, and… damn. He seems shy and cute, but he can really go wild”.

“So, Tsukki likes wild guys, then…”. His eyes are back to a scheming mood. I lower down my shoulders a bit, judging him. “That’s actually interesting”. 

“Can you not think of yourself for once?”. I use my knee to hit on his waist. “This shit is serious. I don’t want a war at home”. 

“I said I will try my best”. I’m starting to fear it won’t be enough. “Plus, why is Terushima coming, actually?”.

“He is in Shoyo’s group. Well, Yams group, I guess. He is here for the conferences too, so he is alone. I don’t mind him coming”. Kuro shrugs, I suppose he is fine with it too. “By the way, how do you know him? I thought it was because of him and Yams, but you clearly didn’t know about that at all. Please don’t tell me you both fucked. I’m starting to fear my birthday will turn into that Spiderman meme, everyone pointing at each other”. 

“I haven’t, no”. Thank God. “I used to know him back then. Don’t think I’ve ever talked with him, but he was well known when he was graduating still”.

“Oh. How well known was he?”. I’m gossiping now. He relaxes while he kneels, totally into gossiping with me. “More like Toru Oikawa well known, or Atsumu Miya well known?”. HE totally gets what I mean. That’s why he smiles.

“Atsumu Miya, clearly”.

So, he is an annoying fucker. Everybody knows Miya because he is liked by many, but disliked by plenty. Still, he manages to get whatever he wants thanks to his popularity, both good and bad ones. Oikawa, though, has everyone’s interest, but he gives it only to a few lucky ones. I could totally break Kuro right now, telling him how Yamaguchi was close to have an affair with Toru back then, but I think he has had enough already.

So far, I’m fine with knowing what should I expect from Terushima. 

“Are we sure I’m the problem here?”, Kuro asks me right when I’m thinking the same thing. “Like, aren’t we sure Terushima won’t be more dangerous to them than me?”.

All of that, and we don’t even know if that guy is still into Yamaguchi… or if Yams is interested in him at all anymore. If that’s the case… Will Tsukki react to a possible approach between the two of them again? 

If it wasn’t because two of them are friends of mine and Kuro is my boyfriend, I would totally enjoy a bit of action as a birthday present.

“Please, be careful”, I say, instead.

I’m starting to panic, so Kuro shares a cute laugh before leaning towards me and kiss me.

“Always, kitty”. I feel better already. “I would never do anything that could hurt the people I love or care about”.

Then, all must be fine. Now we only need to guarantee the other three don’t fuck it up.

Ah, man. I really hope Fukunaga brings some food. I will need plenty of that to deal with all the different spotlights that may turn my twenty-fifth birthday into my last one.

Chapter Text

KUROO

Aka and Bokuto say their favorite day of the year is their anniversary, and they really take that one seriously. Fair enough, mine is just Kenma’s birthday. So far, we don’t have a special date to remember; we started going out without even mentioning we were really doing so. And since it took him so long to accept he was into me back then, I guess we have an approximated period of the year in which we can say it works like our anniversary.

But, Kenma’s birthday matters more to me. Which is ironic, since he really doesn’t care about it nor anyone’s, only mine and maybe the couple’s. If we celebrate, it’s just because he really fancies seeing us all together for once. Why do I care, then? Simply because of that, exactly: seeing him surrounded by people he loves and care about, finally reunited in the same room, because for once no one is excusing themselves in other plans.

Also, it brings both his groups of friends together in one place. And even if then we don’t really get mixed, it’s still a nice picture to him.

This year, though, we are a few more than usual. Not many, but it clearly makes a difference. So it’s quite curious to see. I’ve been all week thinking about this, making sure everyone knows what to expect for this kind of birthday, and what to do or what to do not. I’ve been told to fuck off at least five times, because everybody knows Kenma already and they know our limits, but, still. I wanted to make sure

“Who is missing?”, Aka asks me as soon as they arrive.

He and Bokuto are some of the last ones to come, but Kenma is fine with it; we had lunch together, we went to dinner last night and, after all, they will always be here. Plus, my boy’s birthday was actually the other day, but we use the weekend to celebrate, so, the main date is actually over.

“A few ones, still. Only Shoyo, Tobio and the Nekoma crew are here”, I say.

So we are still missing four people. But that’s fine; the others said they were on their way, and since we are in no hurry, it’s totally okay.

“Oh, it smells delicious!”, Bokuto says as they step into the house. I’m about to go upstairs to leave their jackets on the restroom, and as soon as I step onto the stairs, I sniff.

“Yeah!”. I’ve been here all day, so I don’t really notice anymore. “Fukunaga is prepping a second cake. He brought one, but he didn’t know we would be that many”.

I think I hear Bokuto getting so excited he goes running towards the kitchen. I think I’m all alone piling the jackets on top of everyone’s, but as soon as I turn back, I see Aka with me, stretching his back as he clearly lets me see why are they a bit late.

“You were napping, weren’t cha?”.

“It’s been a long week, Tesso. Don’t scold me”.

He stands beneath the door frame for me to go there on my way out and hug him tight. I do so now, since we are far from public view. Even if I think everyone in here knows about our relationship status with our relative others, there is no need for them to have a free view of how close we really are. 

“Poor you”, I joke. “Too busy making me jealous?”.

I know how to bring his mood up, and that totally works. 

“Did it work?”, he asks.

“Absolutely”. His vile smile is cute, even if I want to kill him right now.

He’s tired because he had to travel to Lightlair in the middle of the week to get a look at the museum he is gonna do practice next semester. That means, Tsukishima went with him, because he will also be in the island working that time. And they chose to go together.

While Bokuto and I stayed here, sad, lonely, and nostalgic because even Kenma told us to leave him alone, because he had to catch up with his streaming schedule due to this free weekend. Wasn’t being in an open relationship and polyamorous synonym of having plenty of people around? I’ve been alone for two days! Disgusting.

“Is Kei here, by the way?”, he wonders as we get down.

“Not yet. He told Kenma he had to go help his brother with something, so he would be later than the rest”. Aka can totally see why my voice is affected by it. He walks on my back, but I can clearly hear his mean laugh. “Yes, Aka, he told Kenma, not me. He still doesn’t reply to my messages”.

That bitch is ignoring me. After what happened on Friday evening at the changing room, it's as if he would be too embarrassed to accept he is really into me. Bokuto met with him a few times during the week, at least before they left to Lightlair, and he managed to convince the guy to share his info with me so we could text, like he has started doing with my best friend and he has always done with Aka. But he only replies to me to tell me to shut up.

So when I asked him at which time was he coming over, he replied Kenma instead.

Ah, I love it when he plays dumb on me. If it wasn’t because I saw him yesterday when Bokuto and I went to pick up Aka and he totally hit me back with sarcasm after my first attempt of flirting, I would say he hates me. But even Aka says he is going hard on me, and my friend wouldn’t let me go that far if I would be annoying the guy.

Unless he wants him for himself. But that’s not the case, right?!

“Poor you”, he mocks me. 

As we get to the main living room, I turn towards him. 

“I’m a big influencer in this university, my dear Keiji Akaashi”, I remind him. “If you play dirty, I will tell your department to send you to Narnia to do your practice trial”.

As he laughs, I share a short smile with him right on time for Kenma to get to us. The rest of the crew are all surrounding a small table full of cards of a group of five UNO decks. 

“Finally someone intelligent in this place”, he cries as he hugs Akaashi. Our friend keeps him close and tight. “I was about to lose my mind”.

“Isn’t Bokuto around?”. As we search for him, we see he is already holding at least twenty-five cards. Man, he’s been here for less than five minutes. How can a genius be so bad at board games? “Ah, nevermind. Who is still missing?”.

“Other than Tsukki”, Kenma starts mentioning, “Yachi, Yamaguchi and Terushima”.

Yes. That’s totally correct.

I’m aware of how our friend is gonna react, and that’s why I look for him as soon as he holds his breath and his dark turquoise eyes quickly move from the crew to me. He presses his lips together and I bite my lower one. Kenma, though, sighs and let go of his friend.

“If you ruin my birthday night, I promise I will hit you both in the balls”.

He goes away and we stay right at the saloon entrance. Shoyo is next to Bokuto trying to help him out with the million cards he is holding. Next to them, Tobio is sweating because he is not doing much better. Nishinoya is fighting against Tanaka and Tora, because they are both two cards from winning, while the traveler has still four. Then it’s Yaku, who only has one and is annoyed at everyone… especially his boyfriend Lev, that has as much cards as Bokuto but clearly doesn’t really give a fuck anymore.

I ignore those two more than the rest, simply because Yaku is my roommate, and I see them almost all the time. I want new faces around me today… and the one I’m waiting the most is still not here.

“So, do we know anything about that?”, Aka asks me.

“You tell me”. I don’t get involved with the UNO players, but I move slowly towards the tall table on the back of the room to get my friend and I some drinks. “Remember how he’s been ignoring me? I obviously don’t know a single shit”.

Akaashi is pouting as he goes full deep-thinking next to me.

“Kei hasn’t tell me anything, either. So far, I know about Yams’ ex being back just because you told me”. 

“And I know because Kenma told me”.

I know we are progressing with Tsukishima simply because I can see it around me. Aka too, which is good. Not only having him training with us was a huge improvement; what I saw in the changing rooms was also some advance from his part. It could seem as we are only thinking of… well, him joining us for more than friendship, but we are only referring it on his behalf right now. Last weekend we though Kei Tsukishima was closer to get along with his emotions than a month ago. Right now… we are starting to think it’s all gone again.

If that’s not the case, why not talking about something that could be clearly challenging?

“Sap, pretty faces?”, Bokuto comes to us when we reach the three minutes mark of silence. I don’t even know who won the game after all. “Well, petty faces”, he mocks us. “What’s wrong already?”.

“Kei”, Akaashi says. His man sighs as he gets between us and lays his arms on our shoulders. My friend is never worried, isn’t he?

“He will be fine. He said he was already on his way here”.

“We don’t mean him not being here; we know he will… Wait, he said what?”. Aka turns towards his man way after I’ve done so. I’m petrified. “Were you texting him?”.

“He texted me”. Bokuto seems not amused. “He asked me if he needed to bring something. We know we don’t do gifts because it’s Kenma and he has everything he wants, but, still, he was wondering if some snacks or…”.

“Why is he texting you more than me?!”, Aka complains. 

“No, stop it, enough”, I interrupt. “Why is he texting everyone but me?”

How old are we all of a sudden? Ten? You know it’s fair to worry when Bokuto seems the one that keeps his cool from all of us.

“I don’t know!”, my friend defends himself. “I just… text him, and he replies. I sent him a video of Jurassic Park’s t-rex epic scene mixed with a techno base that made the dino wiggle to the beat and he just answered me with a sticker of another dino dancing”.

I swear to God Aka and I are about to lose our shit right now.

“This is totally unexpected”. My friend is so shocked he can’t even be mad anymore. “From all the options I had in mind, he getting closer to you rather than to us wasn’t on my poll”.

“He only texts me back to tell me to stop sending him stickers”, I mutter. 

“Why so?”, Bokuto asks to Aka. “Am I unworthy of being his friend, or what?”. He crosses his arms, head up, and gives his back to his boy.

“I didn’t say that, you idiot”. Aka starts pinching his eyes beneath his glasses. “Of course you are worthy. You are the worthiest, I’ve told you”.

“Too late. I only want to talk with my friend Tsukki now”.

“He tells me to not use stickers, but he has stickers too!?”, I go on with my own thing.

“Well, maybe he chose me because I can read what he needs and what he prefers, rather than getting all scared thinking imma break his walls down or scare him off”. 

“But that can happen”, Aka insists. “Worrying about not hurting people it’s not bad”.

“But not hurting people to start with is even better”. Bokuto has a point there.

“Imma send him a trillion stickers now”, I say as I bring my phone out.

When I unlock it, Kenma appears and takes my phone away. The three of us freeze in site, just like stupid kids after being too noisy in front of the teacher. Although, my teachers never looked as if they wanted to kill me.

“I don’t want gifts nor paraphernalia for my birthday, guys, but if you continue like this, I’m gonna use you as a fucking piñata”. Since he is shorter than any of us, he gets on his tiptoes to point at each of us with his index. “Understood?”.

“Yeah”, we say at the same time. “We were just…”.

“Please, Kenma, don’t worry about it”. Suddenly, Tsukishima’s voice flies from not far from us and catches all of us off guard. Well, not the birthday boy, because he is the only one that keeps his angry look as the newcomer observes with a cocky expression and a vile smile. “Come on, keep going. I love to see you all fight”. 

This bastard… He is enjoying this, isn’t he? Damn it, I can’t believe I really thought he would be going through some shit this week. He is literally having the time of his life.

“Tsukki!”, Bokuto celebrates as he goes to hug him. To what, obviously, Tsukishima allows him to. This is incredible. I think I’ve touched this guy only once. Am I jealous? Well, of course. But if he thinks he’s gonna get me on my nerves, he is wrong.

I love this. I really do. And when I side eye Aka, I confirm he does too.

“Sorry for the delay, Kenma”, he tells my boy. “My brother really needed my help”. 

“No worries. Was everything okay?”.

He is literally ignoring us to keep talking with the birthday boy. 

“Yeah. He’s just moving to Lightlair, and he needed help with moving”.

And just like that, he goes away with Kenma to the group area. Bokuto is bath with us, and even if he got what he wanted from his appearance, now the three of us are equally suspicious of this strange behavior. 

“Am I a bitch for expecting him to be nervous?”, Aka says. “Like, he usually is, isn’t he? We are supposed to be the… braver ones”. 

“Your man got to invite him to play volley in just one week, while you didn’t even managed to tell him you liked him in six years, Aka”, I say. “Don’t call yourself brave”.

“He prefers your boyfriend more than you. How is that self-esteem going?”. 

I face him from so close anyone would think I’m about to punch him. As I push him further back with my forehead, he starts laughing and hitting me with his elbow. Easy, Akaashi, I may love you, but I can totally destroy you when getting someone on my side.

Apparently, Kenma too. This little bitch.

“Just asking, but…”, Bokuto really doesn’t give a fuck about our childish ego fights, “why are we worried, exactly? Wasn’t our intention for him to get along with us?”.

“Yes, but, it’s Kenma’s birthday”, his man reminds him. “There was supposed to be some tension. Maybe he is fine now, didn’t he tell you anything?”.

“Tell me? About what?”. So, wait, doesn’t he…?

“Yamaguchi is coming to the party too, Taro. And Yams’ ex boyfriend is coming too”. So far, my genius friend seems lost. “Terushima and Yams used to date. While Kei and Yams were on that kind of… well, whatever thing they are on now too”. 

“But why would Tsukki be worried about that?”, he insists. “So far, I think he would be relieved, wouldn’t he? Like, if he has always been concerned about Yamaguchi being stuck with him even if he can’t give him a proper relationship, the possibility of Yamaguchi meeting someone else could free them from that pressure, right?”.

Okay, that’s a point we haven’t considered. Would someone like Tsukki prefer that? It’s true he feels bad for Yamaguchi, or at least that’s what Aka has always told me. But, at the end of the day, he is also stuck with him somehow. Their non-relationship… is mutual. Yamaguchi may be too stubborn to let go, but Tsukishima hasn’t tried to go away either. 

Still, thinking he could get jealous of another man getting close to him… Is that even possible? I haven’t got that impression from him, but I’m afraid I’m missing something.

“That would make sense, yes”, Akaashi says. “But for all I know, Kei hates Terushima. And back in the day, he was actually relieved when they broke up”. That’s new to me. And it totally confirms there is more than it meets the eye in that story. More that I cannot see.

“Plus, there is something more concerning about today than Yamaguchi coming with Terushima”, I say, because I’m still staring at Kenma and Tsukishima, now next to Shoyo and Tobio while the others still play UNO. My boyfriend’s words come to mine just now. “He may not be worried about Terushima, but Yamaguchi can be worried about…” I don’t finish the sentence because, even though I have no shame when it comes to talk about my influence, this time it’s something I can’t show off. “Well, me”. 

“You?”, Bokuto is also lost about this.

“Yams know about Kei and Tesso”, Aka helps me. “He knows about all of us, but he is aware of Tesso flirting him with almost daily”. If that’s a punch, I don’t take it. “Kenma asked Tesso to behave today, just so everyone does fine, but if any of them do something, it may hurt the other. You know?”.

“What I know is that this is way too much for us to handle”. Actually, Bokuto is right on that. “Like, come on, wouldn’t it be ideal? Yams with Terushima, Kuroo with Tsukki. They both move on, problem solved”.

“Well, we don’t even know how the encounter is gonna be like”. I take a sip to my drink as the both keep on talking. “Yams is still not here, it could be anything”. 

“So far, Tsukki seems fine”. 

They are right. He is getting his friends on their nerves, as usual, and Kenma is having the time of his life seeing Shoyo lose his shit because of his frat mate. I guess Bokuto is correct, and we are worrying way ahead of time. Actually, Kenma only told me to be careful. And, from the three of us, he is the closest one to Yamaguchi… and perhaps to Tsukishima, at least on that side of him. Aka, regardless of their friendship, hasn’t seen them together that often. My boy, on the other hand, has. And he warned me for a reason.

Yes, Terushima can be a pain in the ass if he tries something with his ex boyfriend, but so far we don’t even know if that has happened already this week. Like, they are coming together, isn’t that reveling? And Tsukishima seems okay with it… Or perhaps that’s his coping mechanism. Is he acting fine just to fake it out? He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that would put on some mask to hide his rage… But, at the same time, we are talking about someone that literally hides his emotions.

Shit, I told Kenma I would keep everything under control a week ago, and so far, I haven’t even prepared myself for the possibility of being the main issue of the night. I shouldn’t worry about Terushima’s effect that much when I can clearly be as problematic as him, and just by being here.

The moment in which I see Tsukishima standing up to go grab something to drink, I palm Aka and Bokuto on the back and move away to catch him on the way. Do I know what am I gonna tell him? Not at all. I just hope this is not like our chat. I hope he doesn’t ignore me in real life.

“The further ones are colder”, I let him know as he tries to grab a soda can from the top of the front ice bowl. The one behind has been out for longer. “Like your heart”.

“Wow, that was fast”, he says as he picks one drink from the back bowl. At least he is taking my words into consideration. “Why am I cold, if I’m allowed to ask?”.

“Ignoring me. Not texting me back. Telling me to shut up. And, what I consider the worst of all: criticizing my stickers when you have worse ones”. As he opens the can, he turns back to me and stares at me with that frowning sight.

“You haven’t seen my stickers”.

“I know you have one of a dino dancing”. 

He sighs right before taking a sip to the soda.

“If you consider that a bad sticker, then we can’t continue talking, Kuroo”.

I bring my hand up as soon as I see he is about to leave. The exact moment in which my palm blocks his chest, I remind myself of Bokuto hugging him and me thinking I haven’t touched him like that before. Right now, as I do, I notice this is not even on purpose. 

My only intention was to stop him from flying away. Still, Tsukishima looks down as if he would also be giving this touch a longer story than the one it has in reality.

I would love to listen to it.

“Are we okay?”, I ask.

He sighs again, and since my hand is still on his lower chest, I sense his lungs filling up and his heart beating slightly faster. 

“Yes, Kuroo. Don’t worry; I forgive you for talking badly about dinos. I even promise you I will text you back next time, if that’s all you…”.

“I was serious”.

And he is so not used to that, he totally freezes. The look on his face is strange too, as if he would be trying to decode a side of me completely unknown to him. Maybe I’m way too serious, and that wasn’t the idea either. But, at least, we are not playing around anymore.

“Dare to be more specific?”, he says.

“How specific do you want me to be?”.

“Crystal clear. Think I’m not used to your dramas, so, I need some context”.

That I can do. His attitude even manages to put a smile on my face.

“What can I do once Yams arrives?”. Somehow, I suppose he expected me bringing that topic up. Although, it’s still surprising enough for him, because he is quite paralyzed. 

I decide to bring my hand down now, I think I’ve abused too much of that sporadic interaction, even if I’m already thinking of the next possible one.

“People usually say hello . You know, welcome him in, say thanks for coming ”.

I’m afraid my impressions weren’t wrong before: he is indeed trying to hide what this situation makes him feel. There is no way he can still joke when I’m literally offering myself to do as he wants to make it easier for all of us.

“Fine, that I can do”, I joke back. “Once he is all settle here, any other advice?”.

“Offer him a drink. Or fries. If you guys have fries, that…”.

“I’m trying to help”, I have to interrupt.

“I don’t need help, Kuroo”. He’s back at serious mode, one that can be even considered slightly rude, but I’m not fighting back. If he is really tense, I will handle it. 

If he allows me to.

“I didn’t say you did”, I clarify. “But if you guys are gonna be uncomfortable, I want to know if I should step back and leave you alone for the night”.

“Would you?”. He is curious about my offer. “Do I need to use Tadashi more often just so you… step back for the night?”.

If he is gonna play that game, I can do it too. There is no point of me trying to be calm and honest here if he is gonna prove that, even if he is worried, he can deal with it on his own. That would be good news, actually. The less I have to do with it, the better for all.

“It depends”, I say. “Is that what you actually want, or you are only considering it because of Yamaguchi’s chance of being affected by it?”.

He wanted honesty, crystal clear face to face conversation. Then, let’s have it.

I can do both. I can be what Kenma wants me to be, but also what Tsukishima needs.

Because he totally needs what he is trying to deny.

“I don’t think Tadashi would be affected by you”, he confesses. “And, if he does…”. He looks down, to his soda can. “I’m afraid he has no right to do so”.

“What about you?”. I drink from mine too. All of a sudden, I’m jealous of his soda. “Do you have the right to be worried about what he is gonna do tonight?”.

“It’s different”. Oh, so he is trying to defend himself. “If you are talking about Terushima, he is a total jackass”.

“Wasn’t I one too?”. My smug smile makes him take a deep breath full of rage. He hates to prove me right so easily. “I mean, if you think I’m better than that guy, then…”.

“Easy”, he says. “Anyone is better than him”.

“Even you?”. 

Once again, my honesty hits him hard enough for him to wonder if he is doing right by talking to me about this. I bet next time he will ask for less sincerity from my side. Not everyone can deal with it, and someone so held back as he is, still has to get used to it.

Will he consider himself a better option for Yamaguchi, or would be doing so a way of saying he regrets not being able to prove him how good of a boyfriend he could be to him? So far, his thoughts and feelings towards that guy are a total mystery to me. I never wanted to get involved on that, because that wasn’t mine to know, but since we are closer, I feel like I will never manage to know him purely if he doesn’t show me that side of him.

But I totally get it if he prefers to not do so. Also, even if we were joking about it, I would absolutely understand if he chooses Bokuto or Aka over me to talk about this.

Although, I’m also glad if he picks me instead. Actually, I would really love if he sees me honest enough to trust me with that.

“He can do better”, he says. “Better than Terushima. And better than me”.

So, he definitely sees himself as a lower prize for that guy. The comparative is clearly derogatory, but I think it’s a good example to explain this whole situation. Yeah, we obviously are human beings, but the way Tsukishima talks about himself when it comes to Yamaguchi makes me think he considers himself less than that. As if that guy would mean the world to him, and still he wouldn’t manage to give him not even a tiny portion of it.

I guess he doesn’t want someone like Terushima giving him anything either, but, I wonder if someone different would cause the same effect on him than that guy. Kenma told me Yamaguchi has been with plenty of people since he started messing around with Tsukishima. Does he dislike all of them? Aren’t they enough for him, either?

“ You want him to, Tsukki? ”, I ask him on my head. “ Do you want him to do better, or you want him to be stuck with someone that won’t ever give him a chance? ”.

If I don’t ask out loud is simply because a part of me fears the answer. As if him saying something so dirty, like “ yes, I want him only for me, even if he is not mine at all ”, could totally destroy my impression of him… and it would. So that’s why I stupidly stay quiet. Because I still prefer to get to know him better, so perhaps when we can have this chat I can understand what goes on inside his head without unfairly judging. 

“Well, I can do better to!”, I say, then. And Tsukishima is so impressed and lost at the same time I have my chance to move on. “I can totally step back and play dumb all night. Or I can still try my best and use this stunning night with friends to charm you again”.

“ Again ?”, he quotes me. “When did you charm me firstly, to start with?”.

I could count a few times, but I prefer to let him bring the memories back on his own.

“I don’t know”. Mocking him is pure satisfactory. “When did you start liking listening to me instead of running away?”.

As he doesn’t reply, I smile with a powerful smirk. He then rolls his eyes and takes a sip to his soda can. He never learns; after so many times telling him that the absence of rejections is exposing him daily, he still prefers to stay quiet. 

“Is the offer still on the table?”, he asks. “Can I still ask you to step back for the night?”.

As I’m about to laugh at him, the crew on our back celebrates the appearance of the ones that were still missing. I didn’t hear the door ringing, I’m afraid Tsukishima didn’t, either. Because once we turn towards the entrance of the living room and we see Yachi, Yamaguchi and Terushima… I feel like there is no room enough in this house for us to avoid each other.

“Okay, okay, sorry, my bad!”, Terushima starts saying. “Conference went longer than expected, I promise you I wanted to quit soon after I finished talking!”.

“What did you even talk about, man?”, Nishinoya jokes. “Hairspray?”.

Some laugh, but I’m so tense right now I don’t even know what they just said, and I totally heard it.

“Trust me, man. A good hairspray change’s someone life forever”.

As they keep on laughing at their conversation, I see how they all greet each other one by one. At first, my eyes have traveled directly to Terushima, since he is the one talking. Once he moves on, I see Yamaguchi totally mesmerized by Tsukishima being next to me. I wish I could say he seems fine. Just serious, shocked, but totally okay with everything that goes on around us. But, somehow, I can see pain. I can see… I don’t know how to call it. 

All I know is that I breath deeply when Lev stands up and goes quickly to say hi to him and Yachi. Then, Yamaguchi seems fine again. He smiles purely, his red cheeks make his freckles more notorious than usual, and his shyness brings his hands to his longer hair to scratch a bit on his scalp. Okay, he seems fine. Maybe I just panicked because I’m not.

There is still a long night to go, I suppose I will get it under control at some point, won’t I? As Bokuto said, this is not my business, it’s not my court to play in. Still, worrying about people comes on my bloodline. And when Terushima reaches both Tsukishima and myself, I tense once more because I haven’t prepared to protect.

“Hey, Kuroo, it’s been a while”, he says as he palms my arm to shake me and then looks for my hand to greet me too. When was the last time we saw each other? I don’t remember, but I do know we have never talked before, to this day.

“Yeah, I guess”, I say, totally paranoid.

Jeez, I don’t want to be that guy, but… really, Yams? Him ? You like someone like Tsukishima, how can you like him too? God, I can sense Kenma killing me from afar with angry eyes. “ Don’t judge people you don’t know, Kuro ”, I hear him say in my head. “ Grow up and move on ”.

“Hi, Moony”, he says to the guy on my side. “Glad to see you again, it felt as if you were ignoring me all week”. He winks him an eye and then goes away before Tsukishima is even able to reply.

“Look at him”, he tells me. “He may be stupid, but also clever”.

So, he has been ignoring him. That’s interesting.

“ Moony ?”, I quote what I took from that short meeting.

Tsukishima seems already exhausted from my question.

“My name means moon”. True, that I knew.

“Oh, that’s intere…”

“Forget about it right now”, he orders me. I even bite my lip to hold back. “I hate that he uses that. He does so to mock me”.

“Wouldn’t be better if someone takes away the bad connotation of it for you, then? You know, giving it a new meaning you could like”. He side eye me with total regret. I offer him my can to toast. He, of course, doesn’t. But, like happened before, the lack of answer gives me plenty of freedom to act. “As you want, Moonshine”.

“Don’t you…”.

“Hi”. He only stays quiet because Yamaguchi has gotten to us. Okay, now we are all tense, I guess. Especially me, since he is talking to me. “Thanks for inviting me!”.

“Hey, Yams. Actually, it was Kenma, but I take the the greetings anyway”, my joke comes out naturally. At least this I can do. 

“Yeah, but it’s also your house, so, thanks for having me”. 

Damn, he looks so innocent, so cute and tender… When he moves to Tsukishima, I can totally see a whole different person in him. Still that adorable, sweet human, but also one that is holding back way too many thoughts. 

And when I look at Tsukishima, I’m afraid I see the same case.

“How was your brother?”, he asks him. “Was the moving fine?”.

“Yeah, you know how he is; full agony nonstop, I had to stay calm for him”.

Yamaguchi smiles and nods, but I’m aware he is uncomfortable. Perhaps because I’m here, and I’m totally ruining their mood.

“I let you both alone”, I say, ready to go. “Glad to see you, Yams, have…”.

“No, no”. He stops me from moving away. “Please, stay. It was me, I…I interrupted”. He seems pretty interested in leaving us. Somehow, even Tsukishima is amazed. “We can talk later”, he tells him. “I’m gonna greet everyone”.

But, after a few hello and how are you around, his steps lead him back not only to Yachi, but also to Terushima. Whom, without hesitation, brings him beneath his arm quite fast as he talks with Tanaka and Tora. Yamaguchi seems fine with it, quite accustomed. 

On my right, I’m afraid Tsukishima is not.

“So…”, I try to break the silence. “A dino dancing, huh?”.

“A velociraptor, yeah”, he explains. “I have a plateosaurus one too”. 

“Which one was that?”.

When I first tried to flirt with Tsukishima, when it was all a bad joke to get him to invite Akaashi to his birthday party, I really thought this guy hated me. I suppose I can confirm he didn’t, because now that he stares at me the way he is doing now, I’m afraid that hate has been born today. And all because of a dinosaur!

“You disgust me”, he says. “Please, don’t get close to me all night”

“Ah, come on, Moonshine, I was just…”

“If you call me like that again, I will kill everything you love and then myself”. Oh, my dear, that sounds so not serious. If he wouldn’t be blushing, at least. 

“I think I will risk it”, I say.

Then, as he bites his lip trying to keep it cool, I stare at his back and see Akaashi and Bokuto paying attention to us. They don’t seem worried, not at least while they look at me. Does that mean that, so far, we are doing fine? Will we manage to get over with Kenma’s birthday without anyone losing their mind?

I hope so, even though I’m afraid mine will be at risk too, not because he will kill my loved ones but because he is so good at driving me crazy.

“Great”, he says, “I will love to see how you try”. And then goes away to Akaashi and Bokuto. Right where he knows he can hurt my ego.

Does that mean I’m allowed to stay around? As I look back at Yamaguchi and Terushima, I suppose it would be fine. Somehow, both of them seem to be doing okay. Therefore, there is no reason for me to not do so too. 

“All good?”, Kenma asks me as he comes to me like a kitty looking for food.

I bring my gaze down to stare at him, and my hand up to tap his nose. 

“Yeah”, I say, because I really think so. “All good”.

Chapter Text

TSUKISHIMA

I’ve never been good at drawing. In fact, we could say I’m horrible bad at it. Therefore, when Yachi decides it’s a good idea to try Pictionary, I just step back on the living room expecting no one will see I’m in here. Sadly for me, I was talking with Akaashi when that happens, and he knows pretty well my nonexistent talents in art from a few times I had to try in class. So when they are creating the teams, he makes sure no one forgets about me.

“Tsukki is also here!”, he says. 

I face him with so much anger he starts walking away from me to hide behind his boyfriend. Still, I accept the challenge, and before anyone else decides to choose their partner for this nightmare of a game, I’m fast and doing so myself.

“I team up with Tobio and Shoyo”. It’s a three-people team, so it’s ideal to me.

“I pick Hitoka and Yammy”, Terushima intervenes right after.

No one really cares about that, not even himself apparently, but as my two Karasuno friends start asking me why did I chose them, my eyes can’t look anywhere but how Tadashi accepts the team just like that. I mean, I didn’t choose him either, but from all the people here, he is the only one that knows why I always team up with the couple at any game. Still, him teaming with that douchebag… 

“Tsukki!”, Shoyo screams right in front of me, and I go back down to Earth. “Tobio and I suck at drawing, did you forget!?”.

“Not really”, I say. Sadly for him, I still ignore him mostly.

“Then why are you doing this?”.

“It’s just a game, Shoyo”, I say. “Chill, please”.

“Oh, just a game”. As I move to the side with the couple, I hear Kuroo talking to me from behind. As he does, my eyes travel from Tadashi and his crew to him. He is holding a soda can, I think it’s the third he drinks tonight. Last time I checked on him, he had Kenma on his lap. Now he’s up again, looking at me… sneaking on me. “Ready to lose already?”.

I sense my brows curving in a dare. Every time he smiles at me with such a brash attitude, I can’t help myself but act totally the same.

“You don’t seem like an artist yourself”, I say. “Who are you teaming with?”.

As Bokuto comes and wraps his arm around his friend’s shoulders, I already know Akaashi will be the third one to join them. Okay, that’s fun, actually. I don’t know about Bokuto and Kuroo, but I totally know my classmate sucks at drawing too.

“They better teach you how to paint in Karasuno”, Akaashi says. “Because you guys are gonna top the list… but from down below”.

“Don’t be rough, Keiji”, his boyfriend jokes. “Maybe he has tricked the cards so he can always draw a dinosaur”. That forces a strong laugh from Kuroo.

Ah, sweet losers. Shoyo and Tobio are right behind me, still stressed out because I for sure know they wanted to team up with either Kenma or Nishinoya for this. But teams are done now, and the birthday boy is next to Yaku and Lev, and Noya hasn’t moved from Tanaka and Yamamoto. Then it’s Fukunaga, that has brought the board and markers to draw and hasn’t moved from its side. “ If you want to have fun, you won't want me drawing ”, he said before. Then I heard Kuroo saying that that’s ‘cause he is a genius artist.

“Dinosaurs, huh”, I quote Bokuto as the three of them still mock me… or challenge me. As I step ahead, slowly but full of self-confidence, I make sure I stare at each of them for a short while as I speak. “If you guys think I’m that bad, why do you all look as if you would betray each other to pick me instead?”. Akaashi doesn’t move a muscle, and Kuroo’s chest inflates as he holds his breath. Bokuto, on the other hand, shows me he is the weakest link… because he panics as I speak up the truth. Therefore, I look at him for a longer while. “Are you that desperate to lose that you could push your mates away to team up with me?”.

“Yes”, Bokuto says, pretty fast.

“Hey!”. Both Akaashi and Kuroo curse him for failing so much. He tries to protect himself, but he is already exposed.

“Sorry!”, he cries. “I wasn’t thinking! I wouldn’t change any of you, I promise!”.

“Liar”, I chuckle. “All of you”.

I turn around with a cocky smile on my face, and I feel invincible as I hear Bokuto asking for forgiveness to an angry Akaashi, and Kuroo threatening me from afar.

“We won’t lose, Tsukishima!”, he tells me.

Maybe they don’t, but they clearly are not going to win, either.

“I see what you did there”, I hear then, right when Shoyo, Tobio and I move away from the other trio. This time, the one talking to me is Tadashi. I freeze as I look at him. While making fun of Akaashi and the others, I totally forgot what I was thinking right before. In case I forget again, seeing him next to Terushima is an effective reminder.

“What?”, I ask.

He is not looking at me, with arms crossed paying attention to how the rest organize and Fukunaga brings out the cards. But he is smiling. And even if I’m confused at first, I think he is smiling because of me. What did I do? Is he talking about me talking with the other three? It can’t be. Or could he? Why would that put a smile on his face, in that case?

“I know your tricks, Tsukishima”, he says as he winks an eye at me. “Teaming up with Shoyo and Tobio… Clever”.

Oh, okay. It was… that, all the time. Sure, that makes sense. Why did I even think he was talking to me about my short chat with them? Did he even see me talking with them?

God, why do I even care? Yes, I’ve been avoiding him this week because he has been next to Terushima almost every day. But we’ve been fine; as he got to the room, there hasn’t been any problem between us, even if we have clearly acted pretty distant. For two people sharing a bed, we haven’t even kissed once. And it’s fine if he doesn’t want to, but… thinking it’s because of Terushima makes me feel really uneasy. 

But there is no point in thinking he could feel the same about me with the guys. Not only because Terushima and them are nothing alike, but also, because… None of us has the right to act like this with each other. That’s why I’ve preferred to avoid them lately, simply because I would have been a real pain in the ass in case of being next to them. And someone like Tadashi would never act stupidly because of this. He’s not me, after all. 

He’s not getting anxious because the person he loves could be rebuilding his life with someone that doesn’t deserve them, after they have made it quite clear that they won’t ever been together. I really am stupid, and unfair.

“Well, Yachi is good at drawing”, I finally say. “And you are great, too”.

“But we don’t have your connection”. He still enjoys this chat. I, on the other hand, I’m trying my best to catch up. It’s easier if I don’t avoid him. His joy is quite contagious. I hate that they move to the front now. “Good luck, Kei. We won’t make it easy for you!”.

Sadly for every group in here, all their attempts to score points are nothing compared to the way my trio has of playing this stupid game. The truth is, we all suck at drawing. Tobio has a strange style in which circles look nothing but a sphere, and Shoyo tends to infantilize every design, as if he would be playing with kids. That, in fact, helps, sometimes: the easier, the faster to guess. But we don’t win because of that.

I don’t want to say my turns are the most profitable, but they indeed are.

“Okay. One more guess, and crow team will win”. Shoyo chose the name because Karasuno’s mascot is a crow, and we are the only team full made of members of the frat. Therefore, we are leading. So far, none of the other groups have understood how is that possible. “Tsukishima, ready?”.

“Yeah”, I say, next to the board.

“It was a rhetorical question”, he says. “Was your turn anyway”. Fair enough.

I pick up the next card. We are doing a bit of everything: sports, movies, professions and countries. We have each word placed on top of the board, and we can sign the one we have each turn, so our mates know what to guess. I know how much we are risking now; I said we would win, but I didn’t mean we would lead easily. None of my friends are good at this, so we have depended on me and only me. 

That implies that the other groups have caught up pretty fast, and now there is only one card left for my trio. We had ten, and guessed six. Akaashi’s team has also done six drawings correctly, so we are tied. If we lose, all we can do is share the victory, because they still have one card left. We need to guess right, and them to lose. 

It’s funny how I know them missing is easier than we hitting the jackpot. 

It will be Kuroo’s turn to draw. He is so not good at this.

“Okay, the two minutes starts… now”. 

I look at the card and see my word to draw. It’s movie time, the worst combo for my team because I swear Tobio and Shoyo only watch one movie per year, and it’s usually Jumanji or some classic they like. Therefore, I point at the word movie and sigh.

“Jurassic Park!”, Shoyo screams, like every time.

Yeah. They think just because I’m drawing, I choose the title at will, or something.

God, this won’t be easy. They do know movies, but… There is no way they can’t guess them if I don’t play clever. Pictionary is quite hard if you don’t know how wise or ignorant (literally, not judging here) is your mate. Maybe me teaming up with Tadashi would have been easier, and perhaps with Akaashi too, but the first one is horrible at drawing stuff, and I could never guess his designs, and my classmate always tries to add so much details you end up missing the point. That’s why I chose my most simple friends. Because even if we don’t share any pop culture interest… I know them. I do know them better than anyone. And while they can guess their drawings between each other, I know how to make them guess mine.

I bring up my hand and show five fingers.

“Five words!”, Tobio screams out of his lungs. He is sweating, my godness.

I nod and then start drawing. I don’t get anxious even if the other teams start messing up with us. Especially Kuroo’s, saying names out loud to annoy the couple. They are pretty scared. Just like Tadashi, they have been proved wrong already. No one expected my team to be leading… and they can’t believe we are about to win. Because we are going to win.

I start by drawing a volley net on top, and one right below and another one at the bottom, and divide the board in three sections. I’m pretty fast; there is no time to lose. Then I add a tall, emo-like guy on the first row, and a shorter one with pointy hair next to him. I repeat the dolls on every net, but I change them slightly: in the first scene, the emo one is tossing the ball; in the second one, the hobbit is missing the ball; in the third and last, the tall is madly running after the one that have missed, while this one laughs.

When I’m at forty seconds, the drawing is already done. I bring my marker down and cross my arms, showing off in front of everyone, as I need nothing else.

“What?! How can you be done already!?”, Akaashi asks.

I don’t know who is more stressed: him or Tobio.

I can’t say a word, so all I do is wink my eye. God, I’m so sure of myself. All I have to do now is praying so these idiots don’t let me down. I trust them. I know they can do it.

“ Lord of the rings !”, Tobio yells, shaking like a maraca. “ Star Wars ! Men in black ! Pretty woman ”. I shake my head to all of them.

“How is it gonna be Pretty woman you idiot!?”, Shoyo faces him in anger. “They are playing volleyball!”.

“They don’t play volley in Star Wars either!”, he defends himself.

“Then why the heck do you say those!?”.

“Just in case!”. 

During the first round, all people in here thought we were wasting time by having them fighting and me not trying to draw any better. Now, on the tenth one, they know this works. Ah, they do really know this works… But they still can’t understand why or how.

Only Tadashi, when I look at him, is hating me somehow with a soft smile on his face. I shrug, quite proud of myself. He shows me the finger, then. Why so mad, Yamaguchi? You’ve managed to score three out of ten. It’s not my fault your ex “hasn’t heard of Moulin Rouge” or “knows nothing about Puerto Rico” and couldn’t draw them.

I’m fine with my team. Actually, I’m more than fine.

“Half a minute left”, Fukunaga announces. And just like that, Shoyo stands up.

“Jurassic World!”.

“Stop with the dinosaurs!”, Tobio stands up too. “There are no dinosaurs there!”.

“I know! There are just guys playing volley!”. Actually, I’m surprised I didn’t need to use this technique before. “Are you sure it’s movies and not sports?!”. I nod, and then he hides behind his palms and starts groaning. “I don’t know! I haven’t watched a movie since May!”. No worries, Shoyo, I know you can do this.

“Twenty seconds”. Fukunaga adds.

“Okay! Okay!”. Tobio, come on. I trust you. “Two guys playing volley! There is no movie about volley!”. I mean, I bet there is some, but yeah, fair enough. Go on. “Two guys playing volley! A tall one, and a short one!”.

“Like us!”, Shoyo guesses. 

Right there, they both stop and stare at each other. Then, they also point at each other.

“It’s us!”. Correct.

My eyes look at how Tadashi is shaking his head as trying not to laugh.

“Okay, it’s us!”, Shoyo continues. “You tossing me! Me… Wait why am I missing?!”.

Tobio slaps his nape still nervous as hell.

“Don’t waste time, you idiot! Or we will lose because of you!”.

“Why always because of me!?”. Lev and Yaku are sitting in front of them with his ears covered due to the yelling. “It’s not always me! You shouldn’t get mad at me because you are not guessing anything either!”. He points at the board. “Maybe I’m missing because of you!”.

“You are totally not!”.

“Ten seconds”. Fukunaga reminds us. 

As he says so, Akaashi’s team gets closer to the board, and the rest of the people pay an intense attention to the couple.

“Yes I am!”, Shoyo insists.

“No you are not! That’s why I’m going after you on the drawing! You have missed, not me, and I want to kill you!”. Yes… Yes, my dears. “You are even laughing, look at you!” You are having so much fun by torturing me!”.

“Five seconds”.

“But why would I laugh if I’m doing in on purpose?!”, Shoyo continues. “Why would I want to do such a thing on purpose?! I hate missing!”.

“Three seconds”.

“Because you like to annoy me!”, Tobio explains. “You love me to go after you when…!”. And just like that, they both stare at each other with bright eyes right before turning to the board and pointing at me.

“One se…”

“ Catch me if you can! ”.

I bring my arm up with the card in my hand. On it, it's written: Catch me if you can .

As the couple starts celebrating, everyone else around starts yelling and complaining. I think even Bokuto is crying, but I can’t confirm. I’m all pride right now.

“Impressive”. Fukunaga says. “I thought it was Peter Pan”.

I’m not brave enough to ask him why, but I will take that as a compliment… I suppose.

“Tsukki you are the best!”. Shoyo comes and jumps to my arms. I, obviously, avoid him right on time for him to crash on top of Nishinoya.

“I catch him, right?”. Tobio, still sweating but now totally serious, blocks my way. “I go after him, but I catch him”. Oh, God, he is taking the drawing seriously now.

“Sure, man”, I say. “Always”.

I move away as they start fighting again about who would catch who. And when I get to the back of the room, Tadashi is already waiting for me. I’m still smiling. I’ve proven that there is no better attack than knowing your rivals and mates to the core.

“Lucky”, he says. “That was pretty easy”.

“When did you guess it?”.

“When Tobio said Pretty woman”. I frown. “Don’t ask; I don’t know either”. 

That makes me laugh, and I think he doesn’t expect it because he doesn’t say a word afterward. This party is really being an annoyance, for fuck’s sake. Were we really that nervous to meet in public again that we can’t even act normally? Terushima is not even close to us now. I can be myself, there is no need of holding back. But, the truth is, I never do so, not even when that idiot wasn’t around either. I always hold back. I always…

“I know your game now, Tsukishima, but that won’t give you the victory”. As I’m trying to find some words to share with Tadashi, Kuroo appears on my side on his way to the board. He looks so sure of himself, it’s intriguing to the point I don’t even remember what was I thinking about before he said such stupid thing. 

“My game?”, I quote. “Shouldn’t you be worried about your lack of skill?”.

“Maybe”. He shrugs as he keeps on, slowly, walking away. “I will try my best, anyway”.

“I bet you will”. But that won’t take him anywhere. “It’s too late to regret your bad choices so far, but still have one last chance to redeem yourself”.

“Ah, the only thing I regret is not knowing your plan ahead of time”. I suppose him, like Tadashi, know why I chose someone like Shoyo and Tobio. “Knowing so, I would have stopped you from getting away with this”.

I bring my brow up. How can he be so confident?

“Don’t waste your time, Kuroo”. As I’m about to speak, Tadashi is faster than me and does so himself. I’m so paralyzed at their exchange of words, I don’t even listen to him at first. “Even if you do know his next moves, he always manages to beat us”.

There is a short silence right after he speaks, as if Kuroo himself wouldn’t have expected his intervention either. So far, I hear our host dealing with it way better than I do.

I suppose I’m the only one stressed the fuck out right now.

“That won’t last forever”, he says.

“Good luck!”, Tadashi adds.

And just like that, the last drawing of the round is about to start.

I’m still so paranoid at what just happened that I miss how Kuroo picks a profession card and smiles vilely. Bokuto is already losing his mind when I come back from the clouds. On my side, Hitoka is next to Tadashi laughing at how the Fukurodani couple is starting to get on their nerves by watching their friend draw. Even Terushima is back at were we are, and even if so far he is doing nothing more than distracting Akaashi and Bokuto with stupid profession names, just like everyone else.

Everything is fine, isn’t it? There is no reason to panic, therefore, I focus on the game because Tobio and Shoyo are also going nuts by the chance of losing at Pictionary.

I’m afraid they worry for nothing, because I don’t see the guys guessing the word.

“What the fuck is that, man!?”, Bokuto complains.

Actually, I would ask the exact same. Kuroo has drawn some kind of triangle on the lower area of the board, and what seems like a bird on top. Apparently, the bird shines, because there are… stripes? Coming out of it. So far that tells nothing, but the artist starting to fill up the surroundings with thick and messy doodles help even less.

I think Kuroo has said it’s a two-word card. Still, he is stressing so much while the couple stares shocked at his masterpiece.

“Is that God!?”, Bokuto asks. I was starting to think the same. “Priest?! A monk!?”.

“How the fuck is that a monk!?”, Kuroo screams back.

“No talking”. Fukunaga is too strict.

“Oh my God, I have no idea”, Akaashi is so anxious he is starting to sweat. “Please, draw something more! I don’t know what’s that!”.

Kuroo’s hands recreate a strangulation, but not because he wants to give out a clue to his friends, but because he wants to kill them. Following Akaahsi’s wish, he starts drawing small crosses around the triangle. They look like religious ones. 

Okay, I don’t want to push Bokuto’s theory, but… is it really not a priest?

“Now he is drawing a cemetery?”, Bokuto complains.

Apparently, for how Kuroo reacts, slowly turning around with bloody eyes, this has nothing to do with a cemetery. 

“Okay, okay, focus”, Akaashi begs. “There is a… person, a bird, someone flying. It shines. Oh, oh, wait, that’s a pyramid!”. The triangle? Actually, I didn’t know what it was, but it could totally be a pyramid. “And the crosses are… tombs?”.

“I’m gonna fucking bury you both”, Kuroo complains.

“No talking”. Fukunaga insist one more. “Half a minute”.

“I don’t know!”. Bokuto is tearing up while his boyfriend is literally whimpering. 

On my side, I hear Tadashi laugh, and I’m impressed at how both kind of reactions got me all smiling. Still, my favorite one is still Kuroo’s madness. Even Kenma has stood up to go next to him. I’m afraid the boy knows they’ve lost. He’s ready to show some support.

Support.

Wait. That’s not a bird, and that’s not a pyramid. Somehow, I think I know the answer to this riddle: the triangle… that’s a mountain, the crosses are trees. The flying thing must be an airplane… Oh, shit, the lines represent the water, don’t they? And the doodles… It’s a fire.

It’s forest firefighters.

“Forest firefighter”, I mutter, right when Fukunaga says there is only three seconds left. 

“What?”, Tadashi asks me, but I shake my head.

When the time is over, Kenma grabs Kuroo by the arm so he doesn’t go kill his friends. When he shows the card, the answer was forest firefighter .

“You pair of freaks!”, he says. “How could you not see that was an airplane!”.

“How the hell can that be an airplane?!”. Bokuto is equally mad. “Why did you draw a cemetery getting burn and not a forest!?”.

“It’s a mountain!”. He picks the marker again and starts drawing all over the triangle. “A fucking mountain! Those are trees, not crosses!”. Kenma insists on keeping him under control. On the other hand, Akaashi is not even trying to hold back Bokuto.

I think he has enough with his own pain.

“We lost…”. His eyes wander around in total delusion. “We didn’t even tie… we lost”.

Shoyo jumps on the sofa where he is sat to look for Akaashi right behind and offer him a hand. He looks genuinely happy about congratulating him for… losing.

“It was fun”, my mate says. 

I think Akaashi wants to kill him right now.

“Could you at least draw fire!?”, Bokuto continues. “How can someone be so bad at drawing, I wish you could bury yourself on that cemetery!”.

“It’s! Not! A cemetery!”. 

Kenma gets between the two raged dogs with almost no enthusiasm.

“Okay, Pictionary is over. Time to move to the garden”.

Everybody stands up to go outside. I don’t know what’s the plan now, but I guess he is trying to get everyone a bit calmer. If the friends continue shutting at each other out there, the neighbors will call the police immediately, I’m afraid.

“How did you know?”, Tadashi asks me all of a sudden. 

We just hit the garden porch, while everybody moves around a huge bonfire still to be lit up, and plenty of white couches to sit in. There are also a few tables, and Fukunaga is being helped by Lev with the two cakes he baked. People applaud the food arriving, but I’m still looking at Tadashi next to me.

“The answer?”. He nods. “To be fair, I don’t know. Bokuto is totally right, that seemed like a graveyard to me. And a pyramid”.

“And still, you got it”. I want to flatter myself a bit, but somehow Tadashi manages to make this sound bad. I highly doubt that was his intention, but it’s just as how it comes to me. When I look at him, he is also not trying to hide how his mood is somehow lower now. “You two must know each other pretty well already. No one else got it right”.

Me and Kuroo? We don’t know each other. Even if we talk more often now, compared to how we didn’t talk at all before, it’s still nonsense. Does he really think I guessed the drawing because I, somehow, know him? It has nothing to do with that. I did simply because seeing Kenma next to him made me think of something else related to the monstrosity he drew. 

But Tadashi didn’t see it like that. And now he is… Shit, is he really sad over this?

“It was just luck”, I try to convince him, even if I don’t know why am I trying anyway. I’m just feeling forced to do so. Somehow, the urgency to clarify takes my voice. “It’s not…”.

“Some cake, Yammy?”. As I’m trying to speak up, Terushima arrives and places both arms on Tadashi’s shoulders. They are face to face, so one more step ahead from my roommate, and they could totally kiss. That’s my first thought, the one that comes to mind when I see them that close. The second is that Terushima did it expecting that, exactly.

I have no proofs, I may be wrong, but he knew we were talking. Shit, my words are still in the air as he keeps Tadashi’s attention all for himself. Doesn’t he see it? Doesn’t he notice he is just trying to separate us?

“ No more than you, Kei ”, I say to myself. “ No one will break you both apart more than you’ve done already ”.

“Sure”, he answers. “I think one has pistachio on it, so I think I will go for that one”.

They both go away, and I stay right where I am. Frightened. Petrified. Destroyed. And, somehow, I feel like I deserve to feel that way. I can’t even bring myself to join the group as they sit around both cakes and Akaashi quickly runs to light every candle up. The bonfire is still off, at least till Shoyo and Tobio manage to start a fire to make everyone feel cozier. I’m not the only one remaining on my feet; Fukunaga is too, and so is Bokuto right behind of Kuroo, who has Kenma on his lap once more. It takes me a while to notice Yachi is standing too, I guess because he is right behind Tadashi and Terushima… And I’m trying to avoid how the second’s hand is resting on the other’s leg. 

I’m not the only one on my feet, but I totally am the only one that seems to be far away from here. And it’s painful, because I can’t even join the rest when they start singing to Kenma. I usually wouldn’t sing anyway, but just because I don’t do such things, not because I feel lost. He, at least, is having a good time and doesn’t need a random like me around. Kuroo is not singing either, but he is showing him all the love he feels for him by keeping him closer, hugging him, and looking at him as if there was nothing nor no one else around.

It’s Kenma’s night, and I still managed to do it all about myself by seeing how Tadashi gets help on Terushima to move away from me. Isn’t that what I wanted? Well, it’s at least what I encouraged him to do. But when it comes to my wishes, they look more alike the hand that rests on his leg as they chat closely. It’s more like the passion shown by Kuroo as he revels in the party he has hosted for his boyfriend.

I suppose it’s completely understandable that Tadashi looks for something like that too. Something I can’t give, doesn’t matter how much I seek for it. Something that, apparently, Terushima is willing to offer, even if I hate it has to be him.

“If someone wants more drinks, they are all at the shack!”, Kenma tells everyone once Bokuto has given everyone a slice of cake. Tanaka and Yaku are the first ones that take the word on the host and go to said shack to get something.

It’s a small shed, Kenma told us back in the day they had it built as a guest room, with its own bath and small kitchen. Since this parcel is big enough to hold a place like this, we weren’t surprised. But, the truth is, it’s rarely used as something other than a small pantry. 

People come and go from there as I stay right where I am. When I decide to move, I think it’s been long enough for me to have come up with an excuse to leave early.

Now I only need to find the right moment to find Kenma alone and tell him so.

Apparently, it will have to wait. Kuroo finds me first:

“Want some?”. He has a can on his hand. Well, he has two, but one is already open.

“I don’t want more soda”, I say. “Sugar doesn’t treat me right. But, thank you”.

“It’s not soda”, he points out.

As I look at his offering, I see it’s a beer.

God, that I think I want.

I pick it up and open it pretty quickly. Then, I take a long sip. I never drink from a can, the metallic taste gives me nausea, but so far there are worse things than that here. I can do it.

“Glad to see I came to your aid on time”, he tells me. “Seems like you needed a drink”.

“Was it too obvious?”.

“Aka was about to lose his mind seeing you all alone”. I sigh, but I don’t look for my friend around. “He didn’t want to disturb you”.

“But you did”. Silence points out my words may have come out wrong. “I don’t say you are disturbing. I just meant you decided to come and…”.

“Yeah, I know”. I hope so. After my chat with Tadashi, I don’t want more misunderstandings. “If I am, you can let me know”. I look at him because, for a second, I don’t get the reference. “Disturbing you”.

“No”, I clarify. “I just said you are not”. 

Even if, actually, I was on my way to leave.

“Can I ask why were you all on your own back there?”.

Kuroo has a strange way of behaving, but there is something I’m happy to know about him: his voice tone exposes his intentions quite clearly. He is serious, so, he is really interested in knowing what’s on the back of my mind now.

I didn’t manage to explain myself to Tadashi. I wonder if will I be able to do to him.

“Why did you talk to me before?”, I start by asking. “When you were about to draw”.

There is a short silence in which I think I’m being misunderstood again.

“You both had long faces”, he says. “I thought you may need a hand. My bad”.

Did we, really? I know how I felt back then. Yes, I was quite nervous, it felt strange to talk with Tadashi after being so absent from our relationship for days. I did just laugh at that moment, and him went silent as if my chuckle would have been scary instead of pleasant. But I didn’t get to look at him. So, I don’t know how he looked.

Being informed he was as uncomfortable as I was… fuck, I wish I didn’t know.

“He was pretty nice, though”, Kuroo adds. “I just wanted for you to move on from whatever conversation you were having, and he didn’t seem…”.

“Why are you talking to me now?”. He is right; Tadashi was surprisingly kind, not because he is not but because I think no one expected such naturality from his part with Kuroo, especially as he was talking to me. With that clarified, I want to go further.

Kuroo chooses remaining silent even longer now.

“I thought you needed two hands instead of one”. That’s actually a clever answer.

I bring myself to look down, but I suppose my smile can’t be hid anyway.

“Yeah”, I say. “I did”. I still do, if I’m not mistaken. Because as much as I try to ignore my surroundings, I know Terushima is still way too close to Tadashi, and it’s burning me alive. Therefore, I take another sip. “Thanks, then”. He says nothing, but I think I can hear him smiling too. “I knew the answer, by the way. I knew it was forest firefighter”.

“Wow, thanks”. Seems like that makes him happy. “Mind telling Bokuto? I would love to shut him up for once”.

“Don’t go that far; I didn’t say your draw was fine”. I know he is looking at me, even if I avoid looking back. “It sucked, but somehow, I managed to decode it”. 

“Maybe you are into things that suck”, he says. Now I do look at him. “No pun intended”. I take a deep breath and then ignore him for a bit. 

I hate to know I’m smiling again. At least I’m capable of hiding with my beer can now.

“I need to ask you something, by the way”, he keeps talking. “You’ve come to Kenma’s birthday every year since you met, how is that you didn’t know him and I were dating? I’ve always been here. I live here, actually”. 

“Well, yes, you were here, just like anyone else”. In my defense, not every celebration has been at home. This must be… the third one. “But I thought you came because you were friends with Akaashi. And Akaashi was Bokuto’s boyfriend. Which was, that I knew, Kenma’s gamer friend from years ago”. A bit convoluted, but that was my initial thought.

I suppose it’s hard to take, but it’s the truth. Plus, I never stayed for a long time, so I never caught them kissing, nor snuggling. And if I did, maybe I ignored it.

“I can’t believe you knew they played together ten years ago, but you had no idea that we were together”. It’s offensive to me too, actually. I felt quite stupid when knowing about their relationship since it’s been in front of me for years.

“Maybe that’s why I don’t do relationships”, I joke. “I may be in one myself, and not knowing so till I’m on my wedding day”.

I can be joking, or it may be too honest from me. Perhaps is a bit of both, since I’m trying to get over it somehow, but the truth is that it still hurts. Not only because I feel stupid, but because it confirms relationships are clearly my weakness. Of any kind. Him being with Kenma and me not knowing. Bokuto and Akaashi looking like the most traditional couple of all time and then being totally the opposite. Me and Tadashi.

Shit, that’s not even one. We can’t be considered one because the moment we are close to be one, I run away and stop it from happening. 

And then, when he moves on, when he finds someone who does what I don’t, I can’t even look at him. It’s simply impossible. Even if my eyes are dragged to where he is, sitting with his mouth full of pistachio cake while Terushima offers him to take a bite of his three chocolates one. 

“ It’s fine ”. I say to myself. “ Fuck, Kei, you know it’s fine. Even if he is not, this is fine ”. I try to convince myself that he will do better. That he will understand that someone like that idiot is not what he need, but, I can’t even take myself seriously anymore. Back in the day, all I used against him were things Tadashi didn’t complain about. It was me who saw them way too much, too pushy. Since they broke up, I guessed I was right and he thought the same. But now he is back again, he hasn’t changed a bit and Tadashi is still comfortable around him.

“ I was quite happy with how he was to my face, Kei ”. He told me. Why did they break up, then? Was it really my fault? Was he really that scared of trying out a long distance relationship because I made him fear it too? 

He was happy. Does that mean he is not anymore?

“Tsukishima”. Kuroo’s voice is what brings me down to Earth. Of course, I was staring at them too for so long I’ve ignored everything else. “Are you…?”

“I need another beer”. 

I turn around and head over the small shack, passing by Nishinoya on my way there, but not being capable of high-fiving him as he intends, because I don’t even want to be here. I cross the door frame and walk towards the end of the pantry. It definitely couldn’t be considered a house anymore; way too cold, way too dark for being one. Still, the fridge is all I want. I ignore the thousands of boxes piling everywhere, the old furniture not being used anymore, or even the pool table covered in sailcloth full of dust.

The fridge’s light illuminates everything around me. It’s enough for me to pick a beer can from inside and then move to one of the wood walls of the shed. I rest my head against it. My back is against the party, where I don’t want to be. As I close my eyes to avoid everything, voices and laughs get mixed in my head so I can’t separate any of them. Not even Shoyo’s loud voice, nor Tanaka and Yamamoto notorious interventions. Perhaps I hear Bokuto’s laughing at some point, but I let it go. I do let go everything, as I take some sip.

I don’t even remember what I did with the can Kuroo gave me. Maybe it fell off.

“Is it that hard?”. The thought of him may have summoned him around me. Since my eyes were open from the beginning, I don’t need to do so to look for him on my side. Still, I prefer to ignore his presence a bit longer. “I got everything wrong, I think”.

“Wrong?”. I drink again.

I’m not Tadashi, though. I can take a few beers, alcohol won’t affect me that easily. He is completely wasted with just one and a half.

“I thought he would be the one going through it tonight”. I suppose all of them did. Would be the easiest option, right? Tadashi is who can’t let go of me, to everybody’s eyes. They tend to ignore he has tried to move on a few times. They usually forget I have not. 

“Well, you are behaving”, I joke. “Maybe you haven’t hit on me that much”.

“You want me to?”. Even if I know he is kidding, I hate myself for considering the proposal. “I can bring you out and kiss you in front of him, if that helps”.

“He doesn’t deserve that”. That’s all I manage to respond.

If they didn’t think of me losing my shit because of Terushima, perhaps I deserve to have a tough night in revenge to my supposed strength. And Tadashi, on the other hand, has the total right to enjoy the party with whomever he wants. Even if I don’t like who he chooses.

“Do you?”.

“Do I what?”. I still haven’t looked at him. I don’t feel brave enough to do that. “Do I deserve being tortured, or being kissed?”.

“I’m glad you don’t think both come along”. Wise words. This time, I don’t hide when I smile. “I suppose the first one is just a punishment you think is fair for you, but I like to think you deserve the second one more”.

“Really?”. He’s leaning against the wood wall with his left shoulder. He stares at me as if I was as interesting as he wants me to believe. “I’ve been holding him back for over fifteen years. I’ve never considered his partners good enough for him and, mysteriously, he has always pushed them back off”. Now I can’t even bring myself to drink. “I’ve made everybody think he would lose his mind tonight over me being with someone else, but the truth is, he is doing fine. And I’m not”.

That’s not fair for me, either, because I know he’s affected anyway. He proved to me when I guessed Kuroo’s drawing, and that’s what caused my paranoia afterward. Still, I can’t complain to him if I’m feeling just as bad. Who am I to tell him to stop, if I’m also paranoid?

How can he move on, if I don’t?

“Isn’t that a reason to be kissed, then?”, Kuroo says, all of a sudden. I’m so surprised by his words, I finally manage to turn my head towards him. “You’ve been holding yourself back, as much as you think you have held him too. If he can’t do so, it’s not your fault. Just like it’s not his that you feel like this now, either”.

That’s fair, I guess. I’ve never blamed him for anything, but I know everyone blames me for how he feels. Not Kuroo, though. 

Apparently, for him, we are both equally guilty, or equally naive. 

“What should I do, then?”.

I never ask for advice, not even Shoyo and Tobio, who know me better than anyone. Not even Akaashi, whom I know can be helpful at times. I do now, simply because I’m desperate. I need to move on. Fuck, I need to know I’m not a demon, same as I need to confirm I’m not hurting him by not letting go.

Kuroo takes the job pretty seriously. Pushing him away from the wall, he walks slowly till he stops firmly in front of me. His gaze seems dispersed, as if it wouldn’t be here with us. It’s not until his hazel eyes, now totally dark in the shadows, find me, that I feel totally seen. As if I was just a shadow myself till now, one that shines bright against all odds.

I’m used to being defined as the dark side of the moon, the one that’s full of secrets, of mischievous intentions and a poisonous appealing to who dares to stay way too close. But Kuroo sees the light, as the sun who is face to face with me during an eclipse. Not scared, not at all. But inevitably attracted to what’s considered the worst.

“I told you once”, he answers. 

And before he repeats himself, I’m back at his office in campus again. Just like this, with him way too close, while I rest against a wall that stops me from going any further back. A barrier that I thought was holding me back, but that perhaps was just avoiding me returning to square one. Where I’m stuck, where I can’t move on. Where I’m equally pleased as I’m scared, because I’ve created such a cell in which I’ve learned to avoid pain, but also happiness of any kind.

“Just try”, he says. Now he sounds less flirty, and more devoted. “Try to listen to yourself when you are okay, as much as you can ignore your inner voices when you feel like everything is wrong”. Truth is, I’m normally better at hating myself than doing anything else. That’s why, perhaps, I avoid decoding my own feelings, because how or what am I going to do if I manage to understand what I want? Do I even deserve to do anything based on that?

I’m scared. I’ve always been, because no feelings mean nothing can hurt you. Nothing can get broken, nor cause pain. The more you give yourself to your heart, the less clear your mind is. I chose to focus on my career, my professional dreams, because anything else could be a real torment, in case of going wrong. 

But my studies, if work hard enough, they can’t go wrong. Saying goodbye to a dream job can be painful, but not as much as saying so to Tadashi. To anyone I can love. I can live with professional failure, if that dares to happen. I can’t do so with a broken heart.

I just can’t. I can’t try, even if Kuroo says I should. Even if my own heart is beating so fast, I’m starting to get anxious by the idea of not listening to him, not even a single time. Because I want, I obviously want. When I look at Akaashi, for over six years, I’ve wondered how it feels to be close to him. After meeting Bokuto, I’ve asked myself how would it be to be with someone that never holds back.

When Kuroo is next to me, so apparently obsessed, so in love with his boyfriend as he is, I can’t help myself but questioning how is that he can want me too. Just like Akaashi and Bokuto, whom already have what they want the most in life, but that are still willing to have me too. However, whenever. Me, the useless prick that can’t love even if his heart is about to explode. The idiot that rejects any kind of affection, when seeking so much of it.

I’ve always feared the future, I’ve feared not being able to live up to my expectations, or to live to the ones of people around me. But what if there are none? What if…?

What if there is only the present to think of?

“I don’t think you are the devil, Tsukishima”, he says. “I really believe none of you are wrong, just way too scared of moving on”. That’s clearly easy to take than any other possible outcome. “Maybe all you need is figuring out if you can do it too. Maybe you are not holding him back, but holding yourself instead”.

“And I suppose you are going to offer yourself to me”.

Even if he smiles, I don’t see the cocky bastard who usually gets on my nerves. His intentions are pretty clear but, somehow, there is something behind them that I’m not used to see. As if he would really want this not only for him, but for me. As if offering me a hand would be as important, if not more, than getting off to a new guy. 

Since when do I matter that much? Since when am I that desirable?

“Am I going to?”, he says as he gets slightly closer. I hold my breath as he does so. “Haven’t I done it already a million times?”.

“Just a few”, I correct him. “We don’t know each other for that long”.

“And, still, you got my attention from the exact moment we talked, and I haven’t been able to let go”. Just like Tadashi. Just like myself. 

But, somehow, it’s completely different. This is not that scary, even if it’s clearly shocking. This… Fuck, this I haven’t managed to say no yet. I haven’t found an excuse wiser enough to convince myself I don’t want to.

“I like to think it has happened to you too”, he says. 

I’m not aware of when have I started looking at his lips instead of his eyes, but they are way too close to me to ignore the fact that we are in complete darkness. To me, everything is fully bright. He radiates light on his own.

And I’m a stupid bug that gets too attracted to its dangerous charm.

“I thought you accepted I prefer Bokuto and Akaashi”, I joke.

The exact moment I know I’m kidding, I also know I’m fucked.

Because he gets it, too. He gets I’m not being as serious as expected. Not anymore.

“I thought you accepted that you don’t”, he fights back.

As his eyes come down, I wonder what he’s staring at. It’s my beer can, the one he slowly takes away from me to take a sip before handing it back to me. Why? I don’t know, but somehow it manages to make me tremble. When I try to take a deep breath, this is no more than an attempt. 

“Or perhaps you just want us all”, he adds. His voice has lower down a few tones, it’s deeper now, more absorbing and captivating. That’s something the shadows can’t touch. “But you can start with only one”. As if getting the three of them was already a possibility I should consider. “You can start with me”. 

“You are persistent”, I protect myself from all the fire that is burning me inside. Instead of letting it melt me as I want, I fight it. And even Kuroo senses I’m acting stupid.

“Should I quit?”, he asks. “Should I do what you can’t, and move on?”.

That’s a low hit, but I deserve it. Especially because he is repeating a long repeated question, and I still haven’t forced myself to answer yet.

“That’s not me to decide”, I lie. “Perhaps you are a quitter”.

“Or perhaps I’m just tired of how ambiguous you are”. That wouldn’t surprise me. I’m exhausted of it, too. “Perhaps you don’t notice how you never reject me, to begin with”.

He knows the answer to that, but it’s fair he plays with the mystery.

I suppose it’s time for me to be honest.

“Perhaps I do”, I reply. “Perhaps I just don’t know how to do so”.

How to say no, how to ask to stop. To him, to Tadashi. To anyone. I'm holding myself to the shield that doesn’t let in any emotion, but the truth is that said shield is so broken already, I can’t protect myself from the outside anymore.

But what if what comes after me is not trying to hurt me? Shouldn’t I be willing to discover instead of hiding from it? Fuck, shouldn’t I be running after it, instead of from it?

“Do you even want, Moonshine?”, Kuroo asks me. Desperation makes his eyes shine again in the shadows. The tense breathing that keeps him alive is as noisy as mine. We both are so anxious for more. He doesn’t fear how much he wants me. I, on the other hand, am still trying to comprehend. To explain. To accept.

He comes closer, his forehead almost caresses mine, even if it’s only our hair what gets a touch. I close my eyes so I avoid temptation. Why? I don’t know. It’s better like this. It’s more manageable if I don’t look. If I don’t see how he comes to my side, how he avoids my eyes, my nose, my lips. How he breathes out directly into my neck, giving me the shivers as I fail to exhale properly. 

His hands, then, find different destinations. One arrives safely, palming the wall as if that would keep him in balance. The other, though, doesn’t get to where he wants. He wants to touch me, to grab me by the shirt, to hold me tight. I can see it, even if it’s dark. I can see how he shakes as he stops himself from going any further.

And I know why. I fucking know why.

“Do you want me to go?”, he asks me, right into my ear. As usual, I stay quiet, I don’t say no. But just like when he said my lack of answers could imply I agree with him, he knows it’s not anymore. I’m right. I know I am because his breathing is starting to get anxious next to me. "Can I...?", he want's to go further, and I'm frozen in time. “God, say it”, be begs, desperately. “I won’t touch you, I won’t even get closer to you, if you don’t tell me I can do so”.

He is holding back because I’m doing so too. Again, like Tadashi, like perhaps Akaashi and Bokuto too. I don’t give them enough answers. Actually, I give them none. And I’ve been living like this for so long, I understand how painful it can be for them, too.

“Please, say it”, he insists. His whole body trembles as he stops him from moving a finger. His lower hand is so close to me, his lips are so close to my skin, he could break the walls in any minute. But he doesn’t. He waits for me. He wants me to want. And just as I feel his warmth, how I feel my own heat, I obviously know the answer to that. “Tsukki…”.

“Yes”, I say. Almost like a groan, my words come out as if they would have been my prisoner for longer than I remember. “Yes, I want”, I repeat, out loud. The feeling of hearing myself say so is totally unhinged. When Kuroo grabs me by the waist and then brings his mouth closer to mine, I can sense how my heart explodes inside. “But, don’t kiss me”. Stupidly, I turn my face the slightest for him to freeze. I close my eyes once more. “Please”. “ I’m not ready ”, I say to myself. That I can’t put it out into words. I’ve only kissed once person in my life. I’m scared of what could mean kissing one more. “That I can’t…”.

“It’s fine”, Kuroo says. I look for him as soon as my embarrassment allows me to. He doesn’t seem disappointed. Actually, he looks fine. So fine. So mesmerized by me, even if I’m already pushing him back. “I can do that”. His hand is still firm on my waist. When he gets closer, I don’t even fear he will kiss me. I trust him, somehow. Even if I’m scared, it’s not because of him. “I can use my mouth in many other places”, he provokes me.

And then, his lips start kissing me, not on the mouth, but my neck. My head leans back as his tongue and warmth start playing beneath my ear. My spine gets the chills this cause, and my legs shake as I try to bring myself higher up. I don’t know when it happens, but my beer can falls to the floor as soon as I need to grab his wrist. The feeling is… intense. He is just playing with my neck, and I’m already losing it.

I’m weak, but I manage to hold still. When he moves to the front, to my Adam’s apple, I’m afraid I’m not that strong.

My hand starts scratching his arm as I bring it up. Slowly and shaky, I place it on the curve of his neck and shoulder, and I bring him closer to me. I can’t get enough of what I touch. As I keep him in place, I use my other hand to grab onto his waist and pull him towards me too. God, I don’t want him to step back. As he keeps playing all over my skin, I imprison him between my arms. At least, while all he does is kissing, licking, and biting me. 

When it’s his hand the want that starts moving down, there is no strength left in me to decide for both of us.

He scratches my thigh, from my knee to my hips. From the front, and then from the back. His mouth never moves away from my neck, but right now I can’t pay it enough attention. The pressure on my jeans is killing me. I don’t notice such a thing until he decides to do so himself. Over my trousers, he presses on my crotch and I hold myself onto him even tighter.

I groan out a stupid complain, because I don’t know why I get mad, apparently. He, on the other hand, quits on my neck for a short while to come closer and share a smile. God, that’s annoying. That’s incredibly frustrating, because I don’t want to feel this much. And I’m doing. I’m so anxious to feel even more, I can’t help myself but hate him a bit.

“Don’t panic, Moonshine”, he tells me. “I know what I’m doing”.

“Stop calling me… Moonshine”. I can’t do four words at once. My breath betrays me, and he loves to see so. “Stop calling me names”.

I’m aware he used Tsukki before. Why he did so? I don’t know, out of desperation, perhaps. I can forgive him that, but not this. Not this stupid nickname he has come up with.

“Okay”, he says, even if I know he is not taking me seriously. “You can call me whatever, though. I don’t mind at all”.

“I won’t call you shit”. Right now, I want to forget it’s him who is doing this to me. I’m not willing to make him feel that relevant anymore. Shit, it should have been Akaashi. It should have been Bokuto. Not him. Not this arrogant prick I can’t stop looking at. 

“Oh, my dear ”. He avoids the tagging, but I can totally hear him calling me many names, even if he doesn’t do so out loud. “You will”.

As he challenges me, the hand he has placed on my crotch presses harder and my dick throbs beneath the fabrics. I groan in pain, but also in an annoying pleasure I can’t let go of. He senses it, of course he does. That’s why, as I’m still looking at him in total agony, he slides his hand between my shirt and my stomach to scratch my skin. My legs turn into jelly and I bring my self down a bit. I’m taller than him. Fuck, why am I giving him such an advantage? Why am I worrying so much about this?

I wanted it. I told him so, and I didn’t lie. Fuck, I still want this. Kei, for fuck’s sake, just let go. Just fucking let go, and let him do.

It’s as if he would be waiting for me to give him permission again. His fingertips play with the edge of my underwear. I’m so tense and shaky, I will end up falling down if he doesn’t keep me in place. My frowning expression is stuck at his naughty one. There is no smile in any of us, but I still can see how much he enjoys this. How much he likes to see me giving up to him. And that’s… Fuck. That’s too much for me to fight back.

I surrender, and I hope for the best he can give.

I close my eyes and lean my head back again. Kuroo, then, sneaks his fingers in beneath my underwear and my skin. Firstly, he doesn’t do more than scratching slowly all over my pubes. Then, when I’m still trying to get used to him, he grabs my boner and pulls it off. As soon as I’m about to curse him, he buries himself on my neck once more, and starts kissing me everywhere again.

There is a long second in which I don’t know what I feel. I’m petrified, I can’t even blink. His lips start devouring me as his hand push my clothes down to gain mobility once he starts jerking me off. It’s slow, but it came out pretty fast. My arms start shaking nervously as I don’t know if I want him away or closer. Therefore, I close my eyes. I tell myself to shut the fuck up, even if I’m not talking. Just so my mind can stay quiet, too. I don’t need to listen, not anymore. Not now, precisely. Not now that I’m managing to let go.

The thrilling sensation doesn’t disappear as he starts moving faster. The slow but intense play of his mouth gets in perfect combination with the firm and rapid shaking of his hand. When one changes the rhythm, so does the other. And when the jerking turns into a slow motion torture, his lips get so hungry I can feel his breathing coming out abruptly. 

Mine is no better. As I still keep his head close to me, the hand I used to grab his arm is now at his wrist, nervously shaking, but never pushing him back. I can’t see anything even if I look down. Still, the slight shine the outside lights allows in here help me realize I’m already so fucking hard. The lower edges of my light blue shirt are already wet from the precum, and his hand brights from taking what the fabric doesn’t.

I’m still looking at the exact moment in which he speeds up again. And since he is not kissing me anymore, I know he is staring too. He pays attention to his maneuver, I bet feeling proud of himself even if I’m as quiet as I can be. 

When he looks for me instead, bring his free hand to my chin to lift me up, I hate that I have no excuse for how much I love this.

“You’ okay?”, he asks me. 

Communication is key , they say. Well, I don’t want to talk about this.

“What do you think?”, I complain. 

My voice is so breathy, he doesn’t need any more. He has enough. He loves this, already. That’s why his thumb comes up and start rubbing my lower lip; so I don’t bite it anymore. I didn’t even know I was doing so.

“I think you can feel better”. He is again daring me to go further away. “I think I can make you feel better”.

As he places his forehead against mine, I feel the intense urge of kissing him. I don’t, even if I want. I hold back because that means so much to me. I’m not ready for such a thing. Even if his breathing is mixing with mine, and our noses are the only ones keeping us away, I still hold to my word. He does too, he never tempts me too much.

I’m thankful for it, but I hate him too. Perhaps it wouldn’t be that bad if he ignored my words. It could be the best, actually. Whatever thing he comes up with, to make me react.

But that’s not what he does. As he keeps on jerking me off, I know he is preparing me for the upcoming task.

Kuroo slowly starts to get on his knees in front of me. As he looks for me, his hand still shakes me as the one that’s been playing with my lips now spreads my legs a tiny bit. I wan’t to speak up and tell him to stop. Since that’s not what I really desire, I shut my mouth and let him do. I’m not ready, that’s for sure. When he brings his face closer to my crotch, I fucking know there is no way I could be ready for this.

When he puts me in, I close my eyes and ignore him. Both my hands travel south to fist his hair as I feel the need to sense who is doing this to me. Somehow, I manage to not shake just as much. I’m tense, I’m anxious, and as soon as he keeps sucking, I’m euphoric. He plays with my tip before trying to get deeper. He does so pretty slow. Tempting me, getting me used to his mouth and his warmth. While he does so, my hands are pretty stable around his scalp. Once he brings me further, I’m afraid I’m scratching him way too much.

“Shit”, I exhale. “Wait. That’s…”. Whatever it was, I don’t remember as soon as he pulls back and forth once more. “Shit”, I repeat. And all he does in consequence is blowing me as he jerks me off. “This is, fuck, Kuroo”. I place both palms on his crown head and press down as I try to not fall. Then, as I try to speak, I only moan. 

His only answer is taking me fully in, and that brings me down to the front, and instead of pressing his head down, and pull it close to me and keep me in.

I can sense each of my limbs shaking like crazy. My eyes can’t also blink away, as they stare in darkness, trying to digest all of this. I fail. Even if I’m pressing way too much against his head, he keeps moving and sucking at will. And me… fuck, I let him do. I let him continue because the sensation is phenomenal.

When I think I get used to it, I bring my head back again and try to breathe in. I don’t let go of his hair, as I sometimes hint him with the speed that works better for me. He follows my indications somehow. Still, he does as he wants when I seem to be completely accustomed. The surprise makes me shake again. The moaning comes out of me as an usual reaction already, and the more it does, the more he manages to get from me.

I’m so close to completely fall down, he decides to use his shoulder as base for one of my legs. As he does, my dick gets deeper in his throat, and now whenever he tries to pull back, there is no much length of it that comes out. I’m so weak already I can’t bring myself to grab onto him any longer. Even if I want to, all my hands do is shake between hair strands and that get on the way when I look down at him. 

He… He is loving this. Fuck, the soft light around us allows me to confirm there is so much passion in him, I can’t even understand it. Again, I start to get annoyed by how much he is giving me. Why? For fuck’s sake, why me? His boyfriend is right outside. His friends, the ones he always goes to, they are waiting for him out there. Why me? Why someone like me, so incredibly annoyed for wanting him so much? 

“Could you believe you were depriving yourself of this?”, he asks me as he pulls me off to just shake me. I’m biting my lip as I look at him. My frowning expression tempts him to get an answer I’m not ready to give. “It feels good, isn’t it?”, he says. “You want to cum”.

“Yes”, I admit, but I don’t so happily. “I hate you”, I tell him, to what he only smiles with my dick next to him. “You fucking prick, you are so annoying”.

He winks an eye as if that would be a compliment

“I said you would call me names”, he reminds me. And as soon as I’m about to curse him once more, he puts me in again and I lose my will. I’m leaning towards him once more. Even if he keeps my leg in place over his shoulder, it’s impossible for me to not bend and fall down. Still, he manages to keep me standing as he blows me faster than before. I’ve said what I wanted, I’ve said it too openly, and now he wants to give it to me.

That’s why I can’t intervene once he takes the complete lead of this. My hands are useless, my legs try their best to stay steady, but I don’t know how they fucking manage to do so once I sense my orgasm calling from everywhere, all at once. My heart is the first one ready to explode. Next to it, my lungs stop working as there is no oxygen enough out here that can help me deal with so much adrenaline. My abdomen is so hard as I hold my breath I fear I’m going to choke him with my leg. I don’t, though. And even if I’m all his when he jerks me and sucks me at the same time, I manage to open my mouth before closing it tightly to avoid a rumble.

“I’m gonna cum”, I warn. 

As he brings me deeper, I bring my hands to his nape and pull him closer to get further in. His hand still shakes me as I explode. He takes every drop, every centimeter from me that he doesn’t need to jolt to empty me. I expect him to stand up once he brings me out, but he stays on his knees as both my feet finally reach the ground. Kuroo grabs me by the wrist as soon as I’m close to fall down. He keeps me in place, as I recover. 

I don’t notice I’m holding his hand till it’s been already half a minute.

“I hope this doesn’t drive you too crazy”, he confesses.

I shake my hand so I can push him off.

“You drive me crazy”. And that means no good.

Even if he reads between the lines and gets what he wants from it. And even if I’m not strong enough right now to try to fake he is wrong. 

Kuroo helps me get covered again, and then he says something I forget one second later. He leaves the shed, I stay behind. It’s not till I’m telling myself I need to get out too that I remember he stayed with me longer than usual. Holding my hand, because when he stepped away, I reached for him so he could keep me company a bit more. I was just breathing, then, but he stayed with me. Then I freed him, and now he is gone.

There is no wall for my fears to stay away from me anymore, now that I’m all alone. I’m all vulnerable for them to do as they want.

Chapter Text

BOKUTO

Kenma’s birthday was a roller coaster. And I love roller coasters, but I must confess this one was not really my thing. Mostly because I couldn’t deal with the emotions it provoked on the people around me… and that’s a real pain. It was hard to focus on just one person, because even though Keiji is, was and will always be my main priority, I couldn’t ignore the fact that Kuroo wasn’t okay either. That Kenma was quite stressed, too. That, of course, Tsukki was dealing with a real torment. 

Or that’s what we thought. Apparently, his night was not at his best when Pictionary session was over. But, after that, apparently too, everything changed for good. Not because of me, since I was panicking further away from the group trying to come up with a solution to cheer him up. Not because of Keiji, either, who was falling into a void full of darkness and fear, while blaming himself for bringing Tsukki to Kenma’s birthday, as if he himself would have invited him. And clearly, not because the birthday boy, who started summoning some kind of karma against us because, his words, not mine, he warned us about this and, still, we did nothing to stop it from happening. As if we would even know what was going on, other than it was obvious it had to do with Yamaguchi. 

Still, my anxiety, Keiji’s agony and Kenma’s anger weren’t the ones that managed to cheer Tsukki up. Or that, at least, helped him go through the rest of the night. It was Kuroo, as expected. The cold minded bastard that always knows what to do, when to do it and how to do so. 

As we were losing our minds, he literally went away from the group and headed towards the protagonist of our torture. Tsukki was, indeed, separated from everybody else while staring at Yamaguchi and Terushima. It was pretty obvious; anyone could have seen him, but, still, no one paid attention to him… apart from us. And no one other than Kuroo found a way to try to distract him. 

At first, we just hoped for the best and begged for our best friend to be wise, act calmly and don’t take things worse than what they already looked like. He gave him a beer, the one he went to pick up for me and I totally forgot about. Then, they chatted for a short while. And after that…

“You’ kidding”, Keiji said as Kuroo came back from the small shack they have in the garden where they went to talk. Well, that’s what we thought. Apparently, talking was not the only thing they did there. “You are kidding”, he insisted. “It can be”.

But Kuroo’s expression was pretty honest. Even Kenma, who knows him better than anyone, didn’t doubt his words. He only sighed, taking a drink from his own beer because that’s all he could do after his guy’s confession. My man, on the other hand… He faced his friend, with bright eyes and stressful anticipation.

For a second, I thought he was gonna kill Kuroo. Or start crying. Perhaps both at the same time, if possible.

“How?!”, he asked. “Why!? Oh my God”, he brought his hands to his hair, to bring it back. His glasses almost fell down too. “It happened. You did it”.

Kuroo, aware of the feelings awakening on my boyfriend, never said anything that could force a funny fight. Also, he didn’t smile as usual. The cocky bastard was nowhere to be found, and that made Keiji wonder if he was being serious or not.

To me, it made me doubt if he was even happy about it at all.

“You freaking bastard, I can’t believe you did it”.

“Jealous?”, he asked him. The arrogant smile came into the scene for a second, but it wasn’t as powerful as usual. At least, for me. My boyfriend took it too seriously.

“What do you think!?”, Keiji shouted in a low voice. Tsukki wasn’t around yet, but he was already being quite intriguing to everyone else. “Tesso, is it a joke?”.

“No”, he said, slowly abandoning his cocky attitude to recover some seriousness. “But, you can trust me on this: it wasn’t my intention at all”.

Keiji also relaxes, somehow. Not completely, but enough to have a proper conversation with us without going nuts all over it.

“And was his?”, I asked. My friend looked at me as if my words wouldn’t have been clear. “Was his intention? Was he really okay with it from the beginning?”.

I was not implying, by any means, that Kuroo could have forced Tsukki somehow to do something against his will. I just asked because, as much as we know how good is our friend at flirting and getting what he wants, we are also aware of how hard it is for Tsukki to speak up his mind. And making out, all of a sudden, at a birthday party… right before getting Kuroo, whom he was annoyed by, on his knees… Okay, it sounds spectacular, but it was so out of character from the guy we know, it’s obvious I needed to ask what happened. Or how.

“He said he was”, Kuroo said, completely honest. “I made sure of it, Boku. I wasn’t gonna touch him if he didn’t tell me I could”. 

With that, I felt such relief I could finally bring myself to breathe normally.

Keiji was still lost somewhere far from here, and Kenma was the one making sure from halfway that Tsukki, indeed, was fine when he came out. Not cheerful, but that’s not something that usually defines him anyway. But he seemed… fine. As usual. A bit disperse, since he still decided to stay on his own, but at least we didn’t see him looking for Yamaguchi at any time.

He left before even saying a word to anyone else, but, still, that was more common with the guy we knew. Even if that didn’t fully make us feel as relaxed as we wanted to from the beginning.

We also went home pretty early. We weren’t the last ones around; Tobio and Shoyo were still there when we decided to head to Fukurodani, and once we arrived, we were so exhausted from deep thinking that we fell asleep almost immediately. The morning after, the one I wake up to today, helps me realize not everything is as dark as it seemed last night. Or, at least, I don’t picture it as bad as I did. Maybe because I want to be positive, somehow, and waking up to my boy next to me is enough of a reason for me to look at the bright side of life.

“You are awake early”, he murmurs as I start scratching his arm slowly so he opens his eyes too. “It’s Sunday… tell me you don’t have to go to the lab today…”

“No, I don’t”. He breathes out an exhale of relief. “I suppose Kuroo will, as usual, But I’m resting today”.

“Couldn’t you just…”, he pauses to yawn and stretch a bit. The cute high pitch sound he makes makes me smile. “Couldn’t you just lock the door, so he doesn’t go either?”.

“I totally could, but he has the keys too, remember?”. He does, later than expected, and then cries out a tired yet annoyed moan. “Don’t worry about him; I suppose he will need to clear up his mind today, and that will help”.

As Keiji turns back to the mattress, I do the opposite and face it without losing sight of him at any moment. His eyes are still a bit swollen, but they shine bright as usual. My little owl, is still trying to fully wake up.

“Should I text Kenma?”, he says. “Should I tell him to lock him down too?”.

That’s funny to imagine, actually.

“Let them be. They wanted to go out for lunch today too, as the last birthday celebration, so perhaps he managed to convince him not to work today”. Keiji nods, because all we can do now is trusting our little friend to deal with the situation. “We can go visit later this evening, if you want”. I know my boy pretty well, so I know he is thinking about that. Also, I know he will say he prefers not to.

“I prefer not to”. I’m so clever. “I don’t want Tesso to think we are pressuring him somehow. I’m worried enough thinking of him not sleeping a single minute last night. If we go there, we will prove he is right by staying awake”. 

“Are you that sure about him not sleeping?”, I politely ask. He then moves towards me, facing the mattress too, and finding his way beneath my arm till he can bury himself against my chest. “He always likes to see us, you know?”.

“It’s Tesso, Taro”, he reminds me. “And we are talking about Kei too. He for sure will be anxious about what happened”.

“But no more than you”.

He looks for me with some kind of embarrassment. He doesn’t deny, either, because he knows no one overthinks more than he does. It’s not usually a bad thing. I mean, when he gets stressed over it, then it is, but… Right now, he is just worried about his friends. Especially about Kuroo, apparently, since he is the one we know better and we know how he can react to what happened last night.

“Do you think I’m overreacting?”, he shyly asks me.

“No”, I say. That’s different from overthinking. “You love him, of course you want him to be okay. And, I get it, it was also shocking for me, so I totally understand that you can be suspicious of it”. 

“It’s not that I…”. As soon as I see he is about to get defensive of himself, I bring my hand beneath his t-shirt and start playing all over his back skin to make him feel better. He slowly breathes out, relaxed. He even purrs, making me smile. “I’m not suspicious”, he says, anyway, but now he doesn’t sound so nervous. “But Kei is not a random dude we’ve just met. He’s been rejecting all of us, especially Tesso. And with that I don’t mean he doesn't like Tesso, because he totally does. But I’m scared of whatever happened to him last night to think that, suddenly, making out with him was a good idea”.

“They didn’t make up”, I correct him. Which, of course, surprises him enough for him to bring his head up a bit. “Kuroo told me, later, when you and Kenma went with Yaku to help Lev vomit”. The poor man ate so much cake he felt pretty sick afterward. “Tsukki didn’t want to kiss. It was just a blowjob”.

I’m aware of what this means to Keiji. As fun as it sounds from the outside, I know this hides some darkness behind it. That’s why I didn’t tell him last night, when we got home. And that’s why Kuroo didn’t tell him either. One of us not sleeping for a whole night is enough; having Keiji fully awake overthinking because of this is not as good as overthinking because he loves his friends.

This even worries me a tiny bit. It means Tsukki was okay with going further with Kuroo, but he still has something that pushes him back, and that’s clearly Yamaguchi. The reason he was staring at that guy during that long period of time was painful enough for him to still think of it when he was with our friend.

And now it is obvious that Keiji may think what was going on inside his head when Kuroo gave him head. Which is normal, because I try to understand so, too.

“Do you think he used Tesso to stop, well, thinking?”, he asks me. “Not… Not in a bad way, like, perhaps he wasn’t even aware of it, but…”.

“I mean, it’s possible”. I also don’t mean bad, but since Tsukki was dealing with so many new emotions lately, it’s an option. “Still, I don’t think that would be that bad, anyway”. Keiji tenses beneath my palm. “I mean, it would be better if his intentions were one hundred percent fucking with Kuroo , but, trying to get over what goes on between him and Yamaguchi could be something good to, don’t you think?”. As he remains silent, I’m afraid he needs some more deep thinking from me to share my point of view. “Perhaps it’s just the beginning. It’s not that Kuroo ate him out just to create a bond that will take them to a long term relationship, didn’t he?”. At least, that was not my friend’s intention last night. “He was aware of Tsukki’s status. He also did it to help him space out a bit”.

“Which doesn’t sound too appealing, either”, he tells me. “None of them is the kind of guy who uses sex to distract themselves. Tesso really likes Kei, he is getting too much into him. Being used somehow… I know he was fine with it, but if that was the case, perhaps he feels bad afterward. Not used, but sad”. Which is different. 

Which is, also, what happened.

“He wasn’t okay, yeah”. Keiji then uses his elbow to lift a bit to look at me from a clearer point of view. “You saw him; he wasn’t making fun of you as usual, nor jumping around or screaming out of his lungs because he finally got the boy he wanted. They didn’t even share a word once they both came out until Tsukki left”. And he knows I’m right. “There was something on the back of his mind, too. So maybe he already knew Tsukki was… using him to forget Yams. Or perhaps he just feels guilty for pushing Tsukki into using him. A double usage, we could say”.

I try to act clowney so Keiji relaxes, but I get the total opposite.

“Fuck…”, he cries out, again falling down against the mattress. “Why can it be easier for all of us? It was just a blowjob, wasn’t it? It’s sex. Sex is supposed to be fun”. And he is right. Sadly, it wasn’t him the one involved in the mix.

“But it can mean much more to anyone else”. And just by the look of his eyes, I know he is thinking about us, not only Kuroo, Tsukki or whomever that comes to mind. “Some people don’t get that we love each other so much, but are still willing to share sex with people we don’t know, or people we may like in that way”. It’s always been a strange sensation, knowing people judge us simply because they don’t want to accept that we do what we want with our relationship. “Sex means a lot to Kuroo, but because he is great at using it differently depending on who he is having sex with. It can be just some fun, look for an orgasm and move on, or it can be something deeper, emotionally speaking”.

Kuroo doesn’t act the same when having sex with Kenma, the love of his life, or Keiji or even me, than with Sakusa last week, whom he only knew from afar. And he loves both ways, he just enjoys sex so much, he loves all the emotions he can take and give from it. Especially when the person he shares the experience with is also willing to let themselves go as much as he does.

Therefore, fucking with Sakusa may mean nothing serious to him, just some time having fun with the guy and, still, it can mean so much, just something different than usual. For example, it can still be something he does to distract himself from something deeper, even if Keiji knows this is not the case. Because fucking with Tsukki… Even if it was just a blowjob… That’s clearly not a mere hookup. Not to him, not to Tsukki, either.

“And you know Tsukki is still dealing with how he feels about sexuality and relationships”, I remind Keiji. “He is clearly into Kuroo, into us too, somehow, but he’s still not fine with it. And not wanting to kiss Kuroo… For him, physical contact may be something way too intimate still. And perhaps a blowjob wasn’t going as far as kissing, because one thing is not as tender as the other”. Of course, oral sex is not the same as kissing and it will never be. In any way. “So, last night, perhaps, was a bit of a roller coaster”.

Just like the night itself but, as I said, not all of us went into the ride knowing what we were dealing with.

“This sucks”, Keiji says. “For fuck’s sake, I hate it here”. 

“Let them get used to it”. It’s not that we can do anything anyway. “Kuroo will be fine as soon as he meets with him once more and confirms there is nothing wrong between them. And Tsukki, perhaps…”. That’s harder, to be honest. “He still has to make sure if he wants to separate sex from other kinds of emotions, or if he wants to accept they can both be together, but not necessarily mean what he thinks”.

My opinion may differ from Keiji’s, even though I still think we are both on the same page. But, to me, Tsukki won’t be free from the pressure he feels about this if he doesn’t accept that loving means nothing bad. That he can love in many ways, not only romantic or, perhaps, just like that, and still be able to grow emotionally. 

We all go through many difficulties when understanding what’s going on inside both our mind and hearts. Kuroo needed a few years to accept that he could, indeed, love two people romantically at the same time. Kenma, for example, didn’t understand he was demisexual till he noticed he could only feel attraction towards both his boyfriend or us. On the other hand, Keiji and I were so lucky to have Kuroo in our lives to understand that there was nothing wrong in feeling attracted and to experience sexual desire towards someone else because we both still love each other deeply, and that this feeling has nothing to do with what we show to anyone else.

Not everyone can understand, or not don’t want to, either. Our surroundings are mostly monogamous couples that would think we cheat on each other, if we shared what we do. My mom, for fuck’s sake, she would lose her mind! We know we are lucky to have people like Kuroo and Kenma in our lives, to call them our best friends. But Tsukki… He, so far, doesn’t know not only what he feels, but how he feels. He may be as monogamous as anyone else, or refuse to have sex without any deep bond between himself and other people. Or perhaps he can, but Kuroo or ourselves are way too much for him to handle.

Still, that’s something he has to deal with on his own. And even if we can help and, so far, have tried on our own ways, perhaps he is still not ready to come to a conclusion. 

So I understand why he may feel overwhelmed… and why Kuroo can be scared.

“I feel like this is all my fault”, Keiji says, then. I haven’t noticed him sitting on the mattress, but he is clearly out of breath from analyzing. This is when overthinking is not good. “If I didn’t tell Tesso about Kei’s birthday, perhaps…”.

“Are you aware that they may be totally fine as you panic, right?”, I say to him. I move closer to him, and rest my head on his thighs. He’s ignoring me so far, even if he has listened to me pretty clearly. I know he’s busy creating scary scenarios in his mind because he has started playing with my hair and I can sense his shivering. “Just imagine. Maybe Kuroo is having an amazing morning with Kemna, and Tsukki is… well, watching Jurassic Park or something he likes”. 

“He likes more things other than dinosaurs”. He sounds sad. Aw, that’s cute. I decide to rub my face against his hands so he stops messing up with my hair and he can use me instead. I see he is pouting. Ah, damn, if Tsukki knew how much this guy cares about him… “He loves literature too, especially classics and fantasy. And he actually loves volley, even if he doesn’t play it usually”. I listen with a smile on my face. He has started pinching my cheeks. “He is a Middle Earth freak, even”.

“So good, babe”.

Now, he grabs my nose and attempts to remove it as if I was a little boy.

“Don’t make fun of me, come on”. I’m the one pouting now. “I’m worried”.

“I can see”. I catch his hand mid air and bring it to my mouth. I bite it, slowly, and then I kiss him. “You are a great friend. And I’m sure Tsukki is fine, but, if he is not, it’s not your fault. Neither is Kuroo’s”. That’s something we all need to understand. This guy is growing up emotionally speaking. All we can do is be next to him while he does so, but nothing more. “You will see, tomorrow will be a better day”.

“But what about today?”. His shoulders seem heavier as he brings his chest down. Now he is cupping my chin. “What do we do so I get distracted myself, instead of calling them both to make sure they are fine?”.

“What if…?”, my tone turns out more provocative now. I even cross my hands behind my nape. I’m aware of my flirty attitude right now; I’m using it on purpose. “What if I offer you a plan that you may like, my cutie owl?”.

His eyes start to shine, and I know he is interested as soon as he licks his lower lip. As he tries to lean on top of me, framing me with both arms, I’m sure I got him right where I want.

“Are you saying what I think you are saying, my genius?”, he jokes.

But I’ve started to scratch his naked legs in slow motion. And I nod while I bring my fingers beneath his underwear, with no rush, making him tremble.

“Aha”, I say. 

Then, Keiji smiles and uses the mattress to impulse himself and jump out of bed.

“Ok! I accept! Let’s go to Lightlair to see the new Renaissance exposition”.

“I knew you would love my idea”. I even bought the tickets yesterday, just in case. “We can also go have lunch somewhere nearby, if you want”.

“Ah, please, I beg you. There is an italian restaurant I want to try that is quite close”.

And then, I hear nothing else because he’s gone into the shower and even if he thinks I can listen while he baths himself, I obviously can’t. I sometimes go to the bathroom with him, and sit on the toilet so he doesn’t think I ignore him. But if I do so today, we may be late. So I make sure I’m dressed when he comes out, all cute and spoiled for the day trip.

He is wearing all browns, color I usually don’t care about but that he makes it look incredible on him. The tight trousers, the turtleneck jersey, the long coat and high boots… He’s even choosing a huge and fluffy scarf matched with a beanie. Damn, I was thinking my light hoodie was enough. How can he be so cold already?

“Is it too much?”, he asks me.

His pouting is the cutest, but it drives me crazy when he does so when he is all fluffy and covered in layers. Also, his glasses make his eyes shine even brighter.

“Babe, you look delicious. I would eat you like a cinnamon roll right now”.

“Okay, you can do so later”. No time to waste, a museum is waiting for us. “Let’s go, let’s go!”. He’s even bringing his study-backpack with him: a brown leather one filled up with sketchbooks, notebooks and an old analog camera he likes to use sometimes. My little artist and art passionate, I’m glad I can help him forget about what stresses him so badly. “Do we go by car?”.

“I think it will be the fastest way, yeah”. 

Lightlair is not that far, but transport to the island is quite a nightmare. Plus, this is not our first time going there: the museum has a parking lot. 

“Okay, then, can you head to the car while I go to the laundry?”. On the way to the door, he has picked up a basket full of sheets and some blankets. “I booked the time for today morning, it will only be one minute, and will let it…”.

“Yeah, yeah, no worries”. I see him running away with the basket and I make sure I bring my car keys with me on the way to our private parking lot. We may not have a house yet, but I’ve made sure of using my money wisely till then.

My car was my first huge investment. It’s not even the one I first thought off, but when I went to the car dealer with Kuroo and saw this Jeep, all I thought was of our future with children. I mean, we’ve talked about this; we both want kids, but when I bought the car and went to show Keiji… I panicked a little bit. What if it was too much? What if he thought I was rushing everything? We were twenty-two when I got it, still graduating… Kuroo made fun of me because he knew Keiji would love it, and even if he was right, I still lost my mind on my way to show him.

But now this is our official couple carriage, and we even have a little owl hanging from the backseat left corner for when we adopt kids. 

Am I daydreaming already? It may be. But just thinking we are so close to do so, that we only need to wait one more year before we can finally move out of HQ University and live the life we always dreamed of… It’s been way too many years. I refuse to think something will stop us from achieving it this time. 

Nothing nor no one will…

“Well, well, well. What’s the reason behind that stunning yet perverse smile, Bokkun?”.

I lift my hand to press my car keys and open the car, but I stop halfway because I feel like the universe is sending me a sign: not to dream too high, Kotaro, or the fall could kill you, as you already know.

“Atsumu”, I say, because I don’t need to turn around to know who’s talking to me.

I called it. As soon as I start thinking of my future with Keiji, those who managed to stop me from reaching it back in the day appear to remind me nothing is done yet.

Why, God? Why does Fukurodani’s parking lots have to be next to Inarizaki ones?

“Such a pretty morning”, he says. His car is parked a few lots away from mine, but still, he comes closer so he blocks me from leaving. Now I’m stuck between my door and the car behind me. And a wall, of course. I’m close to look at the sky upon us just to blame whoever is up there from this. “On your way to show the world how incredibly amazing you are?”.

“I could, if I wanted to”, I reply. “But so far I’m just trying to get rid of you”.

He pouts immediately. Ugh. I really want to punch him in the face. That grin has nothing to do with Keiji’s. This one irritates me to death. I don’t care how good he looks with that piss-like hair he has, or how good do black clothes always look on him. I also ignore the fact that I know he is doing this just to piss me off, because I know I’m weak.

Of course he knows I’m weak. If I’m not married to Keiji already it’s his fault, and that’s something he’s been using against me since he ruined my marriage. 

“Why so?”, he ask.

“I bet you can guess why”. Of course he does.

He loves to know why.

“Yeah, forgive me; your nightmares are dreams to me, apparently”. He doesn’t even hide it. “Or that’s why you guys say, because I don’t remember hurting anyone”.

“Well, I differ”. He shrugs in response.

“But that may be your problem, Bokkun, not mine”. I can’t believe he still calls me like that. Well, yes I do, because he knows I used to like it.

I… I may like it still, and I hate it.

“Sure”. The sooner we get over it, the better for my mental health. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have things to do. And none of them include chatting with you”.

“Come on, don’t be rude, I told you I missed you. Both”. Don’t include Keiji on this, you idiot, I know you are not thinking of him at all. Of course I remember how you said that at the inauguration party in September. But I don’t care. I don’t, if every time you say it, you start smiling like a horny psychopath. "Don't you miss me too? I've been told you are back at inviting people over". I don't care how he knows that or who told him, because right now I just want him far away from me. “How’s the boyfriend, by the way?”. Oh, there he goes. “Still possessive as fuck?”

“I’m way worse now, thanks for asking”. As I hear Keiji’s voice, I feel both relief and fear on equal terms. 

God, I’m glad I’m not dealing with him alone anymore but, couldn’t it be someone else? Not my boyfriend!? Come on, the day trip to Lightlair has already been ruined. I know for sure his mood will be down now.

Fucking Atsumu, I really despite him. When he smiles as he turns to greet Keiji, I’m already burning inside.

“Look at you!”, he fakely celebrates seeing him again. “Wow, you are also colder than ever apart from possesssive, aren’t cha?”. He gets closer to him and starts playing with his scarf. “Where are you both going? The Arctic?”.

“Your tomb”, Keiji says. “I bet it’s cold down there where you live; exactly the temperature your heart needs to keep beating”. 

“Oh, come on, Aka, don’t be rude. I was being nice! You look so cute like this. I bet my brother would love to undress you”. 

As he groans in despite, he walks by to his side of the car. I try to react on time to stop it, but I can’t help when Atsumu starts walking after him.

“No more than you”, Keiji adds.

“Well, I have other priorities, as you know”. He means me, and I hate to know so. “But you also know I don’t mind undressing you too if you…”

As Keiji opens the door, he crashes it against Atsumu’s chest and, I guess, crotch. 

I do so because he groans in pain.

“Ah, sorry”, my boy says. “You are so small I didn’t see you”.

He gets in the car while Atsumu tries to hide the pain with a giggle. I decide to get into the driver seat too, so we can soon leave this place.

To my disgrace, he brings his foot in so Keiji can’t close.

“Come on, man, don’t be so resentful. We used to have fun together”. As he speaks, his eyes look for mine. “Didn’t we?”.

“Call us when your cock grows as big as your ego, you dumbass”, Keiji says. And then he pushes him away and closes the door, finally. I’m tense with both hands on the wheel, because Atsumu is still around, but my boyfriend is already flinching his eyes as if he wasn’t around anymore. Or, at least, not that close. “Drive him over, I beg you”.

“Babe…”.

“Please, Taro, I’ve never asked you anything, do it as an early birthday gift”. 

I share a smile with him, because at least the sound of his voice tells me he won’t be that mad once we leave the parking lot. Me, on the other hand…

“Was nice seeing you, guys!”, Atsumu screams from the outside. He also waves both his hands as he goes away. “Till we meet again!”.

We both stare at him while he disappears, and it’s not till he gets behind the fence that Keiji groans in agony next to me. He even slides on the seat, completely destroyed.

“I hate him”, he cries. “I hate him so much. Why is he so annoying!?”. Good question. “Why does he still look so hot!?”. Excellent question, too. “Ugh, please, take me away from here. I want to see old paintings of men that are already dead and can’t hurt me”. 

“I’m not a painting, but I’m not dead either”. I know I’m missing something from the equation, but I wait till Keiji looks up to say so. “And I won’t hurt you… again”. 

I’m paranoid every time we bring this topic up. We normally avoid it, because of reasons, but sometimes it’s impossible… like right now, when Atsumu has made sure of reminding us why we were close to break up one year ago. 

Shit, this is painful. Especially because we actually liked him, and we know he liked us, so, actually, nothing bad really happened for us to part ways like that. But… But I messed up. I ruined the deal we had, and now I can’t forgive myself.

Keiji did, for the second time, but I haven’t moved on. And even if he forgave me, I know he hasn’t either.

“I know, baby”, he says, and then he lets his palm lay on mine. He is warm and steady. Me, on the other hand (literally), I’m cold and shaky. “It just pisses me off how effective he is”. Yeah, it does annoy me too. “Sometimes I miss him joining us, but then I remember how much he enjoyed messing up with us and the excitement goes away”.

That’s the worst thing, that he joined us because Keiji was obsessed with Osamu Miya, and Atsumu was into our sexual activity, and was his twin. He, also, liked us both, so, what were we waiting for? We told him to join us, and it was all perfect for a while, even Kuroo liked it, but… Then, I fucked it up. And now I feel miserable again.

“I promise it won’t happen again”, I murmur, all weakened and beaten up. Keiji looks at me, as if my words surprised him somehow. “I promise I won’t…”.

“Babe”. His hand is still on mine, but now he is holding it with crossed fingers. “It’s fine. That happened a year ago. We move on”. I nod, because I try to remind myself that exact same thing. “Come on, let’s go to Lightlair. Let’s go see art”. I take a deep breath and then I turn on the engine. When I’m about to move the wheel, he makes sure of not letting me go. Not till I turn my face to his, so we can meet. 

But he remains silent.

“What?”, I ask.

“Nothing”, he answers back, all cocky and arrogant for some reason. “I wanted to see other kinds of art”. I frown trying to understand… and then I do.

Now I’m blushing.

“You idiot”, I mutter again.

But he is laughing. That makes me laugh too. Damn, okay, come on, stop losing your mind over the past, you fucking douchebag, the future is still ahead, waiting for us both.

“I like you more than any painting”, he says as I drive us away from here.

I can’t reply because my smile is way too big. I think it stays there on my face all the way to Lightlair. Perhaps, even while we are in the museum, and Keiji becomes the happiest man alive. I really hope I can keep that happiness forever. 

If I don’t, if I hurt him again instead, I will never forgive myself.

Chapter Text

YAMAGUCHI

I’m usually invited to plenty of conferences that have to do with my field, but rarely to those that have nothing to do with it. Environment engineering is one of the most requested topics nowaday, for obvious reasons. Therefore, my role in university is not only getting my PhD and working on my long term project with my department. It’s also preparing speeches, debates and also visits to some laboratories that, for some reason, are fighting to offer me a job there in the future.

So, we could say I’m used to these kinds of things. Public talking, huge rooms full of people that, surprisingly, are interested in what you say. Cameras, even! And we could say I’ve grown so much from that shy teen that couldn’t handle even standing up in class to give a correct result in science. 

But there is something I still can’t face without shaking, sweating and turning red from the moment I put a foot in there: listening to my friends taking part in all of the above.

Yes, today it’s not my turn to talk. I'm attending a Psychology symposium held in HQ University to treat the current situation of psychology in health care systems, and Tobio and Shoyo are participating. It’s part of their scholar year, apparently, all his classmates are here too, but their presence on stage is not as relevant as the one from the people invited to it. The guests are known men and women of their field. I, of course, have no idea who they are, and I’m here just to support my friends. It’s not the first time I see them, and perhaps that’s why I get so anxious waiting for their turn.

They are great, don’t take me wrong, but their way of behaving is not comparable to their mates. I feel like everyone else is… too professional. They know how to keep their cool, how to moderate their voices and how to dress, even. My friends, well, they woke up this morning and went to play some volley without really caring about any of that: they are clearly nervous, their voices sound too deep in Tobio’s case, and too high pitched on Shoyo’s, and they got to wear their usual looks: jeans, some hoodie and nothing more. So, of course, they are attracting too much interest. 

But I’m happy to say they are so good, said interest has nothing to do with their manners or their looks. They are simply brilliant. 

“Okay, ladies and gentleman, it’s now time for the public to make some questions”, says the woman in charge of the symposium.

Usually, when we all started our careers, Tobio begged me to have some questions prepared just in case. It’s not that they want to answer some, but they have the firm belief that, if I make a good one to start with (normally they tell me what to ask about), other people may change the topic to another one and move onto someone else. We stopped doing so because we obtained the opposite: bringing more attention to them and getting people to inquire more on said topic… and them.

So, whenever the questions and answers time arrive, they both stare at me with fierce eyes to stop me from speaking up. Today is no different, so when my friends send me a rage glance, all I do is smile and thumbing’ up so they can know they are doing great. They are surrounded by plenty of relevant people, so luckily they are as ignored as all their mates.

But luck is never on our side, apparently. And when there are only three questions left to host, the woman invites a guy in the crowd to stand up and… ask Tobio.

“I wanted to ask something to Mister Kageyama”. Oh, no. 

I quickly look at my friend, he is about to pass out on his chair… but Shoyo looks even worse. From the two of them, if someone should have been asked, we always beg it’s my ginger friend. Simply because his excitement can help him to deal with the pressure sometimes. Not always, of course. That’s why I said sometimes. But Tobio… Oh, my God. Their teacher is also here, and even her eyes are about to pop up off her face. We all know. 

I’m sweating so much right now. Can’t I do anything to stop this!?

“Sure, go on”, says the woman hosting.

The guy in the crowd has no idea of what’s coming.

“You have been talking about the effects of modern medicine in the treatment of old theories and studies of psychology, and have mentioned that the glorification of said medicine has turned our field into something that can be mixed up and mistaken with psychiatry”. So far, that’s true. The topic today was related to that. Shoyo, next to his boyfriend, is sweating as if the question would be sent towards him. Tobio, on the other hand, has his chin lifted and his eyes open wide. He looks… scary. “So, I wanted to ask: don’t you think other aspects of society may have a bigger negative effect in our field than medicine? Like the absolute domain of social media and its impact on people’s minds, the nonstoping crises around the world or the decrease of standards of living in youth?”.

Damn it, guy in the crowd, couldn’t you just ask him where he got his hoodie?!

There is a short silence everywhere, and people on stage turn their faces to Tobio, waiting for him to answer a question that, for some reason, has been sent to him. Well, yes, he was the one doing a research and mean criticism on how psychiatry is taking advantage of the abuse of medicines nowadays to turn down psychologist jobs, because people tend to be sent to someone that can give them pills to recover.

But… jeez. That’s too much. That guy for sure is a psychiatrist and is trying to push the criticism away from his field.

When my friend stands up and they place the microphone in front of him, I swear I fear every possible outcome from this.

“No”. And then he sits back.

Okay, that was fast. 

Since he stays quiet after all, a deep murmur starts flying around me, even some laughs too. Oh, man, this is bad. People are going to laugh at him, and that will embarrass him. The guy that got the question is still up, as if he clearly was waiting for a proper explanation.

I see Shoyo using his elbow to hit his boy and forcing him to stand up. But Tobio is confused, and doesn’t want to. I mean, he does, he has to, sadly, but it’s pretty obvious he would have preferred to avoid replying any longer.

“Why… Why not?”, the supposed to be psychiatrist asks again.

My friend takes a deep breath before talking again.

“Because, if so, those matters have sadly increased the effect on people’s mental health, which have helped us to deal with new aspects of psychology and new ways of helping others adapted to the present times. Internet, wars or economic crises are of course the main culprit of how people, especially youth, have suffered in recent times and that’s how our field has tried to adapt to said times and offer the best solutions to those in need. 

«We never stop growing with society, we are aware of what happens around us, because even psychologists may need help from other mates to get through what’s affecting our daily lives. Therefore, we are pretty aware of what influences people’s health in recent times. We work with it nonstop to find the best solution so we can adapt our history to an era where modernity and surroundings have affected and modified everything we thought we knew from our field of study, which is the human mind. And, if so, the effect is undeniable, but your definition of negative doesn’t adapt to what we have on the table, because even if it’s obviously based on a real danger for society, it’s also a proof that we never stop growing with it, adapting and learning because human mind changes as soon as the world does to. 

«But medicine, when used indiscriminately in cases where it may not be needed, can affect not only our field but people’s lives. Because the exploitation of said resources sometimes can be more painful than no diagnosis at all. Therefore, I maintain that the overexploitation of medicine on diagnosis that are handed to psychiatrists instead of psychologists is still more dangerous than what causes the need of our intervention. The world never stops turning, which means people’s minds will never stop expanding. And our job is to learn how said minds work so we can help them adapt to their environment, being constantly aware of how harsh our surroundings may be. 

«Denying our role in this and handing it to psychiatry only proves that some people don’t want to give the mind the recognition it has in human functions and in the actual health care system. And hiding its effects and possible solutions behind a curtain made of strong and sometimes intrusive chemical treatments only make the problem stronger”.

After at least ten seconds of complete silence, the guy in the crowd speaks again:

“But… It works. Medicine works because said chemicals are prepared to cause effect on the affected areas and eradicate the problem. Therefore, psychiatry works”.

“So does decapitation”, says Tobio. I hear a strong choke behind me. “A strong headache may be needed from a migraine prescription, but sometimes it’s just dehydration and with drinking enough water it goes away. Habituating the brain to chemicals of strong effect can lead into a panorama of devaluation of both the mind and its owner and its surroundings in which the comeback of the problem could be fatal for both, the patient and the specialist. 

«If we don’t discern between what the mind needs before quickly assigning a medical treatment, we are just ignoring the problem and also what people may need instead, and that’s our job, not psychiatrists’. We don’t want to erase said problem at any cost, we want to find the best way of understanding it and find the needed solution so the chances of it causing longer complications or coming back stronger than before are below the actual rates. Rates that, as recent data confirms, have been increased by not our field, but psychiatry’s”.

Again, a deep silence takes over the room with at least two hundred people, and twenty on stage. As Tobio sits down again, the boy holding the microphone slowly goes away and the one formuling the question decides to sit down too. The hoster is so impressed she can’t even invite a new attendant to ask again. And after a few coughings and some murmurs everywhere, Shoyo starts clapping aggressively. 

He is not the only one, I do so too.

But, yeah, no one joins us, not even his classmates, even if they are pretty surprised, too. It’s not that we care, anyway, all that matters right now is how proud we are of Tobio and how proud he looks of himself.

“You are awesome!”, I read Shoyo’s lips and I think I even heard him, because he is not holding back. He even grabs his arm to get him closer and kisses his cheek a million times. “Brilliant! Incredible!”.

“I need to go to the toilet, I’m shitting myself”, Tobio says. I hold back my laugh because I expected him to not be relaxed at all. “I don’t know what I say”.

Well, my friend, I don’t know if that was what you guys had on script for today, but to me, it was spectacular. So I’m pretty happy with what I hear him saying.

There are only two questions left for the symposium, and they are so not related to what Tobio answered, because I’m afraid no one wants to keep on going with that topic. They put an end to the conference with, now yes, a round of applause in which I join even if all I care about is my two friends. 

I patiently wait for them outside; my class today is in the evening, so I’m free for lunch and, unless they need to attend something else, I know they are, too. That’s why I’m happy to see them appearing from the corridors. Shoyo looks pretty happy, and Tobio is clearly relieved after his fast visit to the bathrooms. It’s impressive how things change over time, it used to be his boyfriend the want that couldn’t hold back when being nervous, and now Tobio suffers from that too.

“Oh my God! Is this real!? Or is it just fantasy?! Mister Tobio Kageyama!”, I fake an enthusiasm that is quite real, actually. My friend frowns and turns red as he tries to walk away from me. “Please, Mister Kageyama! Can you study me!? Can you sign my mind!?”.

“How am I gonna sign your mind, idiot?”, he complains.

Both Shoyo and myself start laughing. Then I quickly catch up with him.

“Honestly, you were awesome!”, I say. “That dude was speechless after your intervention. I can’t believe no one clapped”.

“Of course no one was gonna clap”, he says, “most people in the audience were psychiatrists. Our teacher has scolded me pretty roughly afterward”. Oh, come on, is he serious?. “I mean, she congratulated me too, I got an S on the project, but…”.

“Well, that’s all that matters, isn’t it?”. He nods.

Plus, he doesn’t seem affected, only embarrassed.

“Come on, I will invite you guys for lunch today”, I say. “We can go to that restaurant you like that has the milk cake as dessert”, I offer Tobio. His eyes start shining brightly after hearing that. Now I’m in charge of two kids, I’m aware of it. “You like the idea?”.

“Love it, actually”.

“Be careful, Tadashi; they may drag their fans over there and cause a huge scene”. As I hear my name, I’m already turning around to look for Kei. Not only eh is the only one using it, but also his voice is so easy to recognize to me, I didn’t even need to listen to it to know it was him. 

Surprisingly, he is waiting at the building’s exit gate. Long black coat and dark trousers, light beige turtleneck jersey and quite a messy hair… he looks as beautiful as always, but that last detail tells me something curious: he has showered recently.

“Hey”, I smile, “you are back!”. He seems pretty calm, which is nice

“Yeah, right on time to see the show”, he tells Tobio. “You were great, man. Really. Nice hit”. 

“Shit, now I know I messed up”, my friend says. “If you liked it, it’s only a matter of time someone tries to kill me”.

Shoyo laughs, and I think Kei is about to do so too, but he holds back.

I’m still all trapped by his appearance, so his words really flew away.

“How was it?”, I ask him. “Is Aki doing fine?”.

“Yeah, we managed to get everything working”. He went to his brother’s on Sunday early morning, to help him settle down at his new home, and he didn’t come back for the night. But he is now, and that brings some happiness back to me. “I arrived over an hour ago. Went showering to the room, and managed to see the last part of the symposium”.

“Yeah, yeah”, Tobio starts walking away. “Shut it, I don’t want your opinion”.

“Why not?”, he provokes his friend by getting closer and whispering to him. “What if I became a fan of yours now?”.

“Shoyo!”. Tobio starts rubbing his ear as if Kei’s words were a physical touch. “Lets’s go to Karasuno! I need a shower too!”.

“But you showered after training!”. His boy doesn’t stop and that makes Shoyo sigh. “Whatever, time to go. See you for lunch, Yams!”. 

We see them both go and I’m happy enough to see Kei is not trying to sneak out of this encounter, either. As I said, he seems pretty fine, not stressed, not… down, as he did on Saturday night. To be honest, I still haven’t managed to come to a conclusion on what happened on Kenma’s birthday, and I don’t know if I’m ready to know, anyway. Still, seeing he can still talk to me is a good sign, I guess.

I feared he would have decided to stop doing so for some reason.

“So you skipped class today?”, I ask.

“Sadly, yeah”. He brings his phone out of his long coat pocket. “I’m going to meet with Akaashi later; he started messaging me like crazy because he thought I was quitting college, or killing myself, or something”. I try not to laugh. “He was worried, he still is”.

“Why?”, I giggle, “I mean, I know you never skip classes, but, is it that dramatic?”.

Then, the calm I mentioned before I could see on his face, mysteriously disappears as we keep walking away from the conference building. To be fair, I don’t even remember when we started walking, but now I wish I knew when to stop.

“Yeah, well”, he tries to form a sentence, but he stops midway. “It’s nothing serious, I just think he got worried because I left too early on Saturday”.

Oh, so… we are going to mention that . 

“Yes, it was quite surprising”. 

I can’t bring myself to say anything else.

“I was meeting with my brother quite early on Sunday. Sleeping was a must”.

Okay, yes, I mean… It sounds fair. When I got to the room he was already asleep, and I felt bad sneaking into bed in case I woke him up. When I opened my eyes again, it was nine in the morning and he wasn’t there anymore. And… until now. 

His absence wasn’t a mystery because I knew he was going to be busy all weekend, but I still thought he would be back last night, not today.

“I hope he is not worried anymore”, I say.

“I will try to explain to him”.

A soft chuckle escapes my throat.

“There is not much to explain from helping your brother, isn’t it?”.

As expected, this is not only about his absence on Saturday night… but the reason why he really went so soon. And, due to Kei’s silence, I suppose it’s not only because of Akiteru. 

I’m not stupid. I’ve noticed how he went away while we were all eating cake… and how he went with Kuroo. They both didn’t come back together, and after them being away, it’s not that they got together again. Kei was quite distant with everyone, so I suppose Akaashi’s worry comes from that.

From whatever happened between Kuroo and his friend.

“How’s the weekend been for you?”, Kei asks me, suddenly. I’ve missed my chance to ask him about it myself. 

“Fine”, I say. 

I don’t know if it’s the conversation or just the fact that autumn is starting to get cold, but I’m freezing as we walk. My gray coat is fluffy enough to keep me warm, but my hands are shaking in my pockets.

“Just fine?”, he insists, curious about my silence. 

I wish I could bring myself to look at him as easily as he does to me. All I manage to do is give him a side eye full of embarrassment.

“Well, we went to Lightlair. Noya knew of a restaurant he actually discovered on a trip long ago. Looks like it is everywhere right now”. He nods, interested in my talking. “Then we were just walking around the beach. Both Tanaka and Yuji say they miss the sea where they live, so they always ask to stay around for a bit”.

“We don’t have the prettiest sunset, but I hope they still liked it”.

That’s actually true. Our coasts are full of harbors and infrastructure, sadly the views are not as spectacular as in other places.

“Yes, they did”.

God, this is being so awkward. 

Come on, we both know stuff got pretty bad between us after we played Pictionary and I made the stupid comment about him getting along with Kuroo. I don’t know if that affected him that much to make him leave early, or if I’m being paranoid. But we’ve never acted so weirdly around each other. Not even when I was with Yuji or when I…

“And how is everything going with Terushima?”.

I stop walking because I feel as if he read my mind. He also stops, turning around to me as if he wouldn’t understand my shock. I try my best to not look impressed at all, but it’s hard when his intrigued expression fights against my petrified one.

Does he really want to know? Is he asking seriously?

“What do you mean, exactly?”, I decide to clarify.

“You both are friends, I was just wondering if things are going fine between you two, since it’s been a while since you don’t see each other”.

“Well, you know we barely talked when he was away”.

Mostly because I couldn’t bring myself into having a friendship with my ex boyfriend… whom I knew was still into me.

“But now you do”. That’s an obvious point, yes. “You do quite a lot, actually”.

I know him well enough to be sure of how hard he is trying to hide the resentment in his voice. It feels… awful. As much as he’s forcing himself to sound natural, I can't help but notice he doesn’t feel as excited as he wants to look like. He doesn’t want me to answer. Anything I can say that doesn’t fit his desires won’t make him happy at all.

And that breaks my heart. Because we have talked about this already. Damn it, we almost fought when Yuji came back, and I thought that spending a whole week without barely seeing each other would have helped him to get over it. Mostly because he has no right to be mad, worried nor sad about this. I… fuck, I’m doing what I can to deal with our situation, can’t he just let it go? Can’t he let me go?

Do I wanna go at all?

“Yes, we do”, I answer, “but that’s all”. 

Since I’m not lying, I suppose he understands what I don’t want to say.

No, even if he may think otherwise, Yuji and I haven’t done anything since we met again. And I know, because I do, that he would love to. I mean, he even told me the first day we saw each other, but… I’ve just refused. And he has been comprehensive enough to not be pushy not annoying about it. Like, what to expect, right? I know him pretty well, he has always been nice enough for me to be thankful for his understanding, but people always think he is not like that. That he is after me, making me accept all the crazy stuff he thinks about… And that’s far from being true.

So, if Kei really thought I was gonna go after him just to try to move on again, he is wrong. And if that’s what is tormenting him once more… Then I don’t know what to say anymore. This is too much for me to handle.

“Well”, he then says as he starts walking again, “I’m happy you are doing fine with your friend again”. That sounds honest from him, but also relieving. As if he would be more than okay with knowing it’s nothing more between Yuji and I. 

After his annoying reaction when he saw him at Karasuno the day of his arrival, him expecting for us to be together again doesn’t surprise me… but it still disappoints me.

“I’m happy you are, too”, I say, then, walking right beside him. “You are finally letting yourself go with Akaashi, Kuroo and Bokuto”. He remains silent as I speak. “I don’t know if you have come up to a conclusion about what you talked about, but…”.

“About what?”. He seems really curious about it.

“Them liking you”, I clarify. “Especially Kuroo”.

We are back at square one, the exact point in which last Saturday we couldn’t handle the conversation, and we had to move on. That time I know my comment was too sudden, but this time it’s been him who has started asking the questions we don’t want to answer. Therefore, it’s just fair that I protect myself somehow.

If he wants to prove how worried he is about my relationship with Yuji, then I will let him know that his with Kuroo and cia is also keeping me awake at night. 

And just like that, I notice I’m being unfair again. Because if his interest makes me feel uneasy, then I shouldn’t use it against him either.

He has no right to control my affairs, same as I should not control his.

But is asking about it as abusive as supervising? Was he really unfair to me, if I feel like I really need to know what’s going on between him and his new friends?

“Not really”, he then says. I confess I’ve forgotten my question. “I’m still a bit overwhelmed, but I guess it’s going fine”. As much as I’m happy for him, there is a strong pressure on my chest telling me to stop this conversation. “You were right, I suppose”, he adds. “I suppose Kuroo and I are… getting along, after all”.

Just like that, my mind flies back to Kenma’s birthday party, to them both disappearing into the shed for a while, and then them coming out separately. Why? Why do I do so to myself? Why am I thinking of what possibly happened there, and why they didn’t look at each other a single time afterward?

Getting along. Does that mean he likes him too? Does that implies something has already happened, even if their attitude could mean it wasn’t good?

“Tadashi?”, he asks me after a while. I’ve spaced out, and now I don’t know what we were talking about. “You are pale, are you okay?”. He holds my hand, a not too obvious gesture but enough for me to tense. We are in public, so he tries to keep it as secretive as possible, even if I can’t hide I’m staring right at our union. 

I still haven’t answered.

“Yes”, I lie. “Just… It was so warm in the conference room, I think I’m starting to get cold here”. Which is not false at all, but that’s not the reason why I feel shivering. 

“As if looking like a sheep wasn’t enough to get warm”, he jokes. 

Yeah, I look like one, and him pointing it out makes me smile somehow. But when he let go of my hand, the grin disappears as fast as it was born in the first place.

“Sometimes cold gets through the bones”, I say. “It’s not physical at all”. I take a deep breath and force myself to move on, once more. Like always. Like it will always be, apparently. “I’m going for lunch with Tobio and Shoyo”, I tell him. “I suppose you don’t wanna come, but you are invited if you want to join”.

“I’m meeting Akaashi in an hour, so I think I will pass for today”. Of course, he told me already. “Be strong; I’m afraid they will eat the whole menu this time”.

“Yeah, as usual”. Our friends are like that. “I should have thought of it before saying I would pay for today's lunch”.

“Damn, Tadashi, are you making figures and you haven’t told me?”. He winks an eye to me and I immediately blush.

“Not really”, I confess. “I will go broke after this, I’m afraid”.

“Well, but you will be rich soon enough to forget about it”. We stop walking because we have reached a point on the path that leads to different ways, and we are not taking the same one. “Once you become the starts of conferences like this one, we will have to book meetings with your secretary to take you out for lunch”.

I giggle a bit, and I hide half my face behind my coat’s neck. He is an idiot, but I’m glad he still thinks I will succeed in life that much.

“Stupid”, I say, “you won’t need to talk to my secretary; I will prioritize you”.

“Good”, he winks an eye to me again, and now his hand doesn’t hold mine, but his fingers softly touch over mine as a goodbye. “I’m sad to say you will have to contact my dinosaurs, though. And I warn you already they don’t speak our language”.

I laugh because I really picture him surrounded by bones and dead creatures, and I admit it looks cute and fun. But, just as we both know, his panorama and mine are nothing alike, and so far, they are not even intended to be close.

“I will learn, then”, I say. “I will do whatever is necessary to keep in touch”.

Once we are gone, once life forces us to move on.

He nods, but he can’t find a joke to fight back.

“Thanks”, he adds. “That means a lot”.

Then, he says goodbye and I wave my hand because words don’t come out anymore. As I see him go, I wonder if there will be a time this year in which we will be able to chat without fearing the moment in which everything will go down. Summer holidays really broke us apart more than anything to this day. And now that we are back to basics, what I expected to be the usual between us have come to be something quite different from the past.

I suppose it’s because this is our last year. Not only in college but also together. As friends. As something that’s more than that. Our shared bed may get separated even before the year is over in HQ University, and if that happens… there is no language I will be able to learn to keep in touch.

Perhaps it’s what we need, after all. What he always said that would happen no matter what, maybe it’s better if it happens for once and all.

We deserve to stop suffering as we do. We both deserve to move on.

“Why so sad, pretty face?”. I jump back when I hear Yuji’s voice coming from my left side. Even if I know where he is, I still turn right firstly, as a stupid. Then I face him, less covered than I am, but still wearing a scarf.

“Hey, hi”, I say. “Where do you come from? I didn’t see you appearing”.

“I’m like a magical fairy, I appear right when you need me”.

I find it quite ironic that he thinks he was what I needed right now. Mostly because… damn, yes. I did need him. I do need something that helps me forget about Kei for a while.

Forever, perhaps.

“That’s redundant”, I point out. “A fairy is always gonna be magical”.

“That’s true”, he admits. “But i didn’t mean it as an adjective to fairy, but to myself”. I frown as he speaks. “I’m both magical and a fairy. My magic could be something different from what a fairy brings to live, you get it?”.

I take a deep breath and stop myself from laughing.

“You are so stupid”, I say.

Then he starts laughing, and crashes his elbow against mine.

“I made you smile”. That’s true, even if I’m hiding on my coat as much as I can. “Which is one of my superpowers as a magical fairy”.

“But is it a superpower from your magical side or your magical fairy side?”.

“That’s redundant, Yammy; a fairy is always magical”.

I roll my eyes and I try to go away from him. He is the one laughing as he hangs himself over my shoulders. Now, I’m afraid I can cover as much as I want, that nothing will hide my smile nor my laugh.

“You are insufferable”, I tell him.

“Oh, come on, don’t say that. It reminds me of Moony”. Ah, damn it… I didn’t expect him, from everyone, would mention Kei, and that he would do so that soon. I know he notices how tense I get because he lets go of me as he gets beside me again. “Damn it, what happened now? Did I mention the Devil?”.

That’s… not nice. And I’m glad he notices that offended me, because I didn’t really want to point out the obvious to him. 

Why am I surrounded by the most childish men on Earth? Why do I like them at all?

“Sorry”, he says, “I was just kidding, I didn’t expect it to be about him literally”.

“Well, what else could it be, right?”.

I joke with myself too because that’s all I have left to deal with it. It’s sad enough for Yuji to not laugh with me. Which is enough for me to hate myself for a bit.

I used to be a happy guy, what went wrong and why do I look like a bag of sadness?

“Hey”, Yuji then says. And as soon as I notice, he is grabbing me by the hand to stop me from going away. “Are you okay, Yammy?”, he asks. 

When I look at him, his eyes are screaming worry. The look on his face is closer to a panic expression than a gentle one. I feel forced to speak up my mind, even if I don’t want to. I also feel… embraced, somehow, because he still holds me tight. 

That’s the second place I stare at: our hands, both together. While people walk by us, while the world keeps turning, he remains here, with me. He shows he cares, on his own way. One that is not hidden, that he shows no matter what. Even if it will be over soon, or it will last forever If he will be gone or he won’t leave anymore. The future doesn’t exist for him, it never did. He lives the present, and goes with it.

And it feels… refreshing. Even if I already knew this side of him, because it’s what made me like him back in the day, when all I got around was fears of the unknown yet to come.

“The future will tell ”, he always told me. “Or we will tell the future once it’s over”.

“I will”, I answer, because I still refuse to talk about it now, or with him. Kei’s problems with me are no one business but ours, and I want it to remain like that.

At least on my side. If he needs support from others to deal with it, he has the right to do so. Even if that has clearly led him towards someone that is offering him something I don’t.

It was meant to be, I suppose. I’m here with Yuji too, still grabbing his hand. Still holding onto the one that doesn’t hide or let go. Who is not scared of staying here, with me.

“That’s great”, he says. And when he winks his eye to me, I can’t help but compare it to Kei’s gesture. They don’t offer the same confidence, neither the same affection. But they both feel right. They feel good to me. Even though, right now, the one I need is here, not gone. “I’m glad you will”.

I shyly smile and then he shakes our hands before bringing mine to his lips to kiss it. The cold is back, but just because he is leaving my body to allow some warmth instead.

It feels good. Really good.

“Sorry to interrupt you”, he says, then. “I was helping and old teacher of mine prepping a masterclass, and I needed some fresh air and cute faces around. Those were boring as fuck”.

I laugh because his compliments are always the ones you never expect to hear.

“It’s fine. It’s always nice to see you”. Which is true.

As he walks by to leave, I wonder if I will miss him once he leaves again. It’s still a few weeks left before he does so, still a lot of time to enjoy with him, but, will I manage to do so after a failed first time? Will I be able to keep him next to me somehow, even if he’s gone?

“Hey, Yuji”, I call him before is too late for him to be gone. He turns back, as if I would be a magical fairy (both in separated ways) and my voice would be an spell to him. “Are you free for lunch? I’m taking Tobio and Shoyo to a restaurant they like, and I’m paying for them”.

“You’ paying?”, he points out. “A free lunch, you say?”.

“I said for them”, I clarify. He frowns as he brings his face down to judge me. “But I can think of paying for you too”.

“Ah, I’ve always wanted a sugar daddy”, he jokes. And I bite myself because I don’t want to laugh out loud at that . “I accept”.

“Okay”, I say, “then let’s go, before I regret it”.

I suppose there will be a point during the day in which I will think I would have preferred Kei to be with us instead. But perhaps today is the day in which I don’t think of him not being with me, too. Perhaps, after begging the universe for it for so long, this is the step I was hoping to take to not look back.

Maybe Yuji is not the destiny I’m intended to reach, but I’ve been there already, I know where it leads. And… And I don’t mind a second visit. Not at all. Actually, it was fine when I went the first time, and maybe all I need right now is giving it another try.

Time will tell, I guess. If not, we will tell time about it once it’s over.

Chapter Text

AKAASHI

There is something worse than Monday classes: Monday classes when Kei is not around. And that has nothing to do with me liking him, it’s simple razoning: if you have no one to chat with while the most boring lesson of all time takes place in front of you, there is a high chance that you may fall asleep.

And that’s what happened, to my disgrace.

“Babe, I feel so sorry”, Kotaro tells me as I join him and Tetsuro at the coffee shop in their campus. They are on their break, too. Normally they decide when to rest, they are that relevant in their field. I’m just doing what my schedule allows me to do.

So far, laying on the table they are in and hiding myself from the world.

“It was so embarrassing”, I complain. I’m sad, and mad. Both at the same time. “When I opened my eyes, the teacher was in front of me. Even my laptop screen was down; I was using it as a pillow”.

As Kotaro adorably scratches my crown head, Tetsuro is covering his mouth with his hand so I don’t hear his chuckles. Of course, I do anyway. It’s not that this man has a soft nor low laugh anyway; the whole campus could hear him.

“Was it that bad?”, my boyfriend asks. “I mean, are they, like… punishing you somehow? Lowering down your grades? Expelling you?”.

“It wasn’t necessary”, I admit. “I mean, I’m almost twenty five years old; expelling me because I fell asleep doesn’t really cause an effect, and my grades are way too good for them to want to ruin them because of one day”. Or that was my conclusion. Still, I can bring myself up to show my face while I talk about this. “The teacher thought it was enough with what he did”.

“Which was?”.

I sigh, and I feel my body shaking.

“He stopped the lesson to stare at me for at least two whole minutes while the rest of the class tried not to laugh out loud so they wouldn’t wake me up. They still did, by the way”. And if Tetsuro would have been there, I for sure would have opened my eyes immediately. Just like I do now. “Can you stop, you jackass!?”.

The whole coffee shop turns to us as my friend bursts the noisiest laugh of all time. He is even tearing up! God, I hate him, I hate him badly. Kotaro has to stop me from standing up and going after him once he starts twisting over the chair.

Would Kenma forgive me if I kill his future husband?! Worst thing is that, if he were here, he would be laughing even harder. I hate my friends.

“But, babe, it is so unusual of you to do such a thing”, Kotaro is still trying to behave. Which is cute, though, I’m grateful. But the poor man wants to laugh too, it’s just that he knows I wouldn’t forgive him. “You have been sleeping nicely, at least last night. Was it really that boring?”.

“I couldn’t even explain”. Really. I fell asleep, so I don’t know what the lesson was about at the end. The beginning was enough for me to pass out. “It was about the value of historical pieces during the Renaissance and how the market dealt with it depending on the areas of exchange. Which I know it’s important for my PhD, but…”.

I stop talking as soon as I hear a fake ass snoring next to me. 

I turn around, slowly, because I was facing Kotaro until now, and I see Tetsuro with his head back over the chair, his mouth open and a horrible acting of him being asleep just to mock me. In response, I fist my hands and hold my breath. Kotaro tries his best when grabbing my by the forearm, but I’m faster at standing up with my scarf and using it as a baseball bat to hit my friend with it.

“Stop it!”, I scream. He is already laughing again. “I’m gonna fucking kill you if you mock me again!!”.

“Sorry, sorry!”, he says. “But picturing you asleep in class is way too fun”.

“Since when is embarrassing myself funny to you!?”.

Kotaro has stolen my scarf from my hands. I’m still up from my chair, I can’t bring myself to sit down while this torture goes on.

“Come on, easy you two”, my boyfriend insists. 

But, sadly for him, I can catch a soft attempt of laughing in the air. I turn towards him, totally paralyzed, and he freezes in time. My eyes are about to pop out of my face, and his are starting to close as he gets smaller, weaker and scared. 

I let go of my desire to avenge myself with Tetsuro and face my man.

“Are you laughing, Kotaro?”, I ask.

“Oh, shit, the whole name”, Tetsuro says from the back.

My boyfriend is shaking as he sits down again.

“No”, he lies to me. “I wasn’t, I promise”. I bite my lip because he is lying to me, and I hate lies. “I was just, you know, whimpering, because the thought of you asleep is so cute to me I wish I was your teacher”. My friend is laughing again, I don’t know if at me or at his bestie now. Perhaps both. “I would have covered you in a soft blanket and stop the whole lesson to play some lullabies in case…”.

“Fuck you two”. I let myself fall down as they both finally share their so desired laugh together. I cross my arms, and I blush as I try to ignore them. “This is the worst day of my entire life as a college student”. My eyes fly up as I see movement in front of us, and I see the reason why I hate myself today coming towards our position. That makes me stand up again. “And you are the reason why, you filthy little rat!”. 

As I point at Kei, I notice he’s already smiling. Not a soft, tender and cute grin, but a mischievous and annoying one, Even his brows are curving, giving him that prick look he uses to make fun of others. Of me, apparently.

“Look”, he says, “you are finally awake”.

Both Kotaro and Tetsuro continue laughing and crying, all at the same time. Agh, I hate it here. Is anyone gonna stay on my side at all!?

“How do you know already?”, I ask him.

“News fly nowadays”. Oh, come on, is he serious?. “I’m sad I missed it with my own eyes. I would have loved it”.

“If you would have been there, I would have stayed awake, don’t you understand?”. That’s the main point of this: I passed out because I was bored. Bored! Because I was alone! Because this bitch skipped class and didn’t warn me soon enough so I could skip it too! “Ah, whatever, I don’t wanna talk about it anymore”.

And since I end the topic right here and right now, his welcoming feels… cold. 

Yeah. It’s as if we all forgot why am I meeting with Kei here for lunch.

Even if I still want to kill them both, I share a fast glance with Kotaro and Tetsuro. My boyfriend is looking for me too, quite shy on my right. My friend, though… God, I hate it. I hate that smile of his: tender yet frightened, beautiful but still with so much sadness. Fuck, since when does Tetsuro Kuroo holds back when soomeone he likes is around? 

Damn it, I’m not the only one who hasn’t heard a thing about Kei Tsukishima since Saturday night. The difference is that, from the three of us, my friend is the one that had a sexual encounter with my classmate. And it’s true we met with Tetsuro on Sunday night and, of course, today, but neither Kotaro nor myself were brave enough to ask him about it, since he seemed pretty cheerful. 

I guess it was all a mask. Because now we are all together, surprisingly, the only one that is doing pretty fine is Kei.

Which… isn’t it good news?

“So…”, I say as he takes off his coat and places it on the empty chair that’s right in front of me. Before he even attempts sitting down, I’m already moving away. “You want something, Kei? A coffee? Some milkshake?”. I grab Tetsuro by the collar of his shirt and I drag him with me.

I think my classmate says a coffee is fine, but I don’t wait till he tells me which one he wants. As we go to the bar, Tetsuro starts massaging his throat.

“Why the choking?”, he complains.

“I have a kink”, I joke, and then I get closer to him. “Okay, I didn’t want to bring this topic out since apparently you were doing pretty fine yesterday, but you are clearly not, so, it’s better if we face this before going back to the table”.

“I have the feeling you are talking about Tsukishima”, he jokes. “Or Kei, as you call him now”. Fuck, did I again? Whatever, that’s not the main problem here.

“Tesso, are you okay?”, I ask without hesitation. “You clearly wasn’t on Saturday, but yesterday you said nothing about it, and you seemed fine”.

“That’s because I’m fine”. I use the time in which he’s ordering coffees to the waiter to judge him in silence. Once he’s done and we are waiting, I can finally face him with disappointment. “I’m being serious”.

“You are so not being serious”. He groans and looks up. “Don’t do that, I’m worried about you both”. He crosses his arms on the bar and starts pinching his eyes as if I was a pain in the ass to him. That hurts, but I know he is trying to stay calm. “Did something else happen between you two? Other than, well, the blowjob”.

“No”, he says. Which sounds quite honest, to be fair. “That’s the thing. Nothing else happened”, he finally explains. “No talking, no… no jokes, no nothing, other than a few stupid words at the end before I left”.

“What did you expect?”. 

My question is absolutely literal. No pun intended. I want to know what he imagines that could happen, so I can understand his disappointment… or fear. 

“I guess I didn’t really think of anything”, he says. “But he went from sad to horny in such a short time, and then I guess he went back to being down”. I mean, it’s what it looked like from when we saw him around the party before he left. “I’m just… I don’t know. Scared is not the word. And worried is not enough. Afraid, I suppose. I don’t like the idea of me pushing him too far, and since I’m not used to him that much, I don’t know if this attitude is normal or I’m just paranoid”.

Tetsuro is the kind of man that always looks at the bright side of life. It doesn’t matter what or when, he tries his best to not get affected by circumstances. Still, if his actions may have affected someone else, shit gets real. And this is the clear case in which my friend starts overthinking because he assumes he has hurt Kei.

Damn, I wish I would have dragged Kotaro here too. He is the cold mind of us three when things like these happen. I’m worse than Tetsuro, even! I’m of no help.

“I mean, he seems pretty fine”, I say as I turn to see how my boyfriend and friend share a laugh while checking the phone. Good job, Kotaro, thanks for not being as obvious as I am. “And cute”. Way too cute, that turtleneck jersey suits him perfectly. I usually look like a baby when wearing those. 

“He does”, Tetsuro says.

“Fine or cute?”. When I turn to him again, he is deeply thinking about it.

“Both, I guess”. Aw, that’s adorable.

“Ah, anyway…”. I sigh. “Maybe we are just overdramatic?”.

“You? Overdramatic?”, he mocks me. And just like that his cocky attitude is back. “Since when, princess?”.

“You deserve all the pain in the world”, I joke back, full seriousness on my face. “Are you gonna talk with him about it?”.

“I suppose, but not today. Not now, at least”. Seems fair, even if I think the sooner he faces this the better it will be for them both.

“Then I totally recommend you to act normally around him”, I say. “Don’t… don’t imply you are affected by something, or it could…”.

“I was gonna do so, but my friend dragged me away to order coffees”. He points out. I think I’m turning reddish.

“And pay”, I add. “I forgot my wallet”. He gets closer to me to intimidate me, but I push him away. I don’t look at him while doing so, otherwise I will blush againn. “Now seriously, Tesso. I think it’s better if you don’t…”.

“Hey, Aka, I know”. When he uses the softest tone of his voice, I become jelly. I don’t know how Kenma is immune to it, it literally weakens me to my lowest point. “The last thing I want to do is hurt him, you know that, right?”. I nod, because that’s no surprise to me. “If he is fine, then I will be too. And whenever I think is the right moment to tell him about it… I will”.

“Okay”, I accept. “But, pay the coffees, please, I was not kidding”. I literally forgot my wallet at Fukurodani today.

He sighs but he does as I ask him to. When our drinks are done, we take them to the table where Kotaro and Kei are still laughing while looking at the phone. I notice just know that it is my classmates device, and even if Tetsuro has sat down already and placed some coffees around, I’m still standing still with the rest of the order.

I slowly frown at them.

“What are you two watching?”, I inquire. 

“Some classmates posted a video of Mister Jameson staring at you while sleeping on the group chat”. I fucking knew it.

“What?!”, Tetsuro’s eyes open widely. “I wanna see that”.

And just like that, Kei moves from Kotaro to Tetsuro as if nothing happened between them so they both can laugh at my expense. 

So, this was not the plan I had in mind, okay?

“Oh, boy, look at you”, Tetsuro says. “You are sleeping like you usually do in bed, covered with your arms, those swollen eyes of yours…”. Jeez, I really do. I don’t want to look, but my eyes fly over the screen and I see the freaking zoom my mates did to film me.

“Man, that was a deep sleep”, Kei says.

This is the first time I see him laughing that openly, and I can’t even enjoy it because he is laughing at me! Come on!

I turn to my right to look for Kotaro with a sad pout in my mouth. He is literally resting on top of his fists while staring at me with shiny eyes. I attempt a cry and he smiles, purely.

“You sleep so cute”, he says to me. “Like a tiny owl”.

“I’m gonna turn into a dragon if you guys don’t stop”.

“Was it that boring?”, Kei asks me. Thankfully, he locks down the phone.

“It was market value in the Renaissance”, I say. He takes a deep breath and then picks up his coffee to take a sip. He adds nothing to my complaint; he knows I’m right. “I wanted to kill myself”.

“Understandable”, he confirms after drinking.

Damn, he looks so elegant today. Even the coffee cup in his hand looks stunning. Beige is a color that clearly suits him. It’s not that he never dresses like this; I’ve been obsessed with how beautiful he is for six years; his casual yet fancy and exquisite style is delightful to stare at.

Wait, why am I admiring him now? He was making fun of me just a minute ago! I don’t care how stunning he is, damn it!

“Poor historians. Not even them can’t help but get bored at their field”, Tetsuro says as he leans on the table and uses a spoon to stir his coffee for a bit. He also rests his chin on his free hand.

His narrowed eyes are naturally cocky. Mine are offended. And yet, the way Kei looks at him is way more presumptuous. He’s resting against the chair, crossed arm on his chest and the other one lifting his coffee mug. His eyebrows do the whole job, always so expressive.

Always so fucking beautiful.

“Says who?”, he answers Tetsuro back. 

My physicist friend looks for Kei but doesn’t really move his chin from his palm. Also, the look on his face only gets more suggestive.

“Me”, he says. “Isn’t that enough?”.

“You? A scientist?”. Kei’s smile is cunning and perverse. The soft pause he uses to drink from his coffee gives me the shivers from head to toes. “Yeah, tell me about it. From Doctor to Doctor”.

Oh, God, he is using that against a scientist. That’s brave, and… Wait a second. Is Kei Tsukishima flirting back at Tetsuro Kuroo? Right in front of my coffee!?

Kotaro starts hitting me with his knee. I have to pinch him on the thigh so he stops before he knocks the table over. But I understand his nervousness. We are witnessing something epic. I’m shaking like a maraca.

Tetsuro soft laugh as he takes his own sip from his coffee is so well known to me. It’s not eccentric, not resonant. It’s melodic, charming.

God, he is indeed flirting with him.

“I hope you are not really comparing, Tsukishima”, he says. “That would be so sad coming from you”.

Kotaro is trying to drink from his own coffee next to me, just to cover up his excitement while watching these two acting so stupidly.

“I thought you liked everything that comes from me”, Kei fights back, then. And Kotaro’s coffee is all over the table right now. My classmate, apparently, doesn’t really care as he leans forth to get a bit closer to Tetsuro. “Or am I not enough of a Doctor for you, Mister Kuroo?”.

“Well, I think we can both say knowing about dinosaurs is not the same as…”

“Wait, didn’t they have this conversation already in Friends?”, I try to join, just to see how far they can go. Of course, they ignore me. “When Ross Geller…”.

“And still, people love dinosaurs more than they love…”, Kei acts as if whatever Kotaro and Tetsuro study would be pure nonsense. 

I’m debating myself: do I defend my boyfriend here or do I protect my field? I’m not even a Doctor! Will never be! 

“Come on”, Tetsuro encourages him to go on, “you can say it”.

“Yeah, I guess, but I forgot. What did you do for a living again?”. Kei starts snapping his fingers as if he really couldn’t remember. He is so good at acting freezing cold, I’m just obsessed at how Tetsuro is melting in comparison. “Other than thinking so much of yourself”.

“I think just enough, thank you very much”, he winks an eye to him. “So far, no one has complained about my skills”.

“Okay, I’m leaving”, Kotaro says as he quickly stands up, shakier than anyone. Our two friends ignore him because they are staring at each other, so they can’t see the obvious boner on my boyfriend’s pants. I do, but for the first time, it’s not that I care much. I’m still mesmerized by these two idiots.

Weren’t they having the hardest time of their lives? What the fuck happened?!

Do I really need to fall asleep in class more often? Because I won’t.

“I go with you”, Tetsuro says. “My free time is over, I can’t miss a minute because I’m taking Kenma to buy a new controller”.

“Doesn’t he have like a hundred?”, I ask out of curiosity.

“Yeah, but apparently on Saturday night Tobio threw one at Shoyo when he beat him at Mario Kart, and it was Kenma’s favorite”.

There is a lot to take from that funny statement, and I’m afraid neither Kotaro nor Kei notice as I do. I see them both go as I analyze his words: yes, when that happened we weren’t there anymore. Kei either, of course, since he left the first. But, of course, Tetsuro lives there. Still, he said apparently. Which means, he didn’t see that happening. Which means, again, he wasn’t with the group.

So, he left the party at his own house soon enough to miss a Mario Kart game. Went he to bed? To somewhere else? I don’t know, but now I regret focusing my short chat with him on only Kei and the future, and not what he really felt during that night. Yes, he told me he felt uneasy because of obvious reasons, but… Fuck, I should have talked with him yesterday anyway. It doesn’t matter how fine he looked like I’m his friend and I should have asked.

“The coffee is gonna…”, Kei points as my boyfriend’s drink is about to fall through the table’s edge. True, we didn’t clean it up. 

I’m fast at doing so, and so is my friend. Once we are done, I take a deep breath and stare at Kei while he drinks as if nothing happened.

“Next time I will go with Taro”, I joke, “so you both can fuck on the table or whatever you were about to do”.

“Isn’t that a bit too much?”, he fights me back. “It wasn’t that hard, Keiji”. He takes a sip while looking at me. “I can call you Keiji, can’t I?”. Of course, he is not letting go of me calling him Kei before.

“You can call me stupid, too”, I say, “because I’m quite confused right now, and I don’t even know my own name”.

“How so?”, he asks as he places the empty mug on the table. Damn, my coffee is still to its fullest. “Was the nap that deep?”.

“Stop it”. He smiles, vilely. “I wouldn't have fallen asleep if you would have been there. And I would have stayed awake if I wasn’t so tired from not sleeping in two days”. I lie, because I did sleep, but I want to be dramatic. “And all of that, because of you”.

“What do I have to do with your insomnia?”.

“Well. You disappeared on Saturday, and this is the first time I hear from you since then. Doesn’t that tell you anything?”.

“Yeah, that you are exaggerating. We never talked that much anyway. Not outside of class, I mean”.

“ Yeah , you never got your cock eaten by my best friend before, either”. I go all in, and he shows no emotion to it. “I hope you understand I’m a bit paranoid”.

“And jealous, I suppose”. This man is literally going wild today.

“Kei…”, I try to bring him down to Earth.

I’m happy to see I manage to do so, because when he sighs, I feel like his attitude gets a bit under control. Finally. I never thought I would say this, but I’m happy my horny friend is gone for a minute.

He can come back whenever he wants, but, not right now, please.

“What?”, he asks me. “What do you want me to tell you?”.

“Firstly, how do you feel. And don’t say just fine, man, because I saw you on Saturday night, both before and after you and Tesso went to… well, that ”. As beautiful as he is, there is no way he can’t deny he also looks exhausted. I don’t care about him helping his brother to settle into his new house. This goes further than that.

“I don’t know”, he says. He tries to speak as cold as possible. Let's see how far it goes with it. “I suppose I’m fine, even if you don’t want to hear me say so. But I am. I mean, when it comes to Kuroo, I’m fine, if that’s what worries you the most”.

“What worries me is you both being affected by it, both on your own or between each other”. His eyes travel around the table for a second. “I mean, you were about to jump into each other's mouths a few minutes back, so I guess that’s cool, but…”.

“It’s fine, yes”, he insists. “I didn’t know he wasn’t okay with it, I thought he would be just showing off about it”. He scratches his head as his eyes get shut. He also sighs again. “Wasn’t this what he wanted? Why being worried about it?”.

“Because you weren’t okay, man”, I remind him. “We all were and still are worried. We don’t want to think you did that without fully wanting to”.

That, apparently, shocks him enough to straighten up a bit on the chair. Wait, was he really thinking we didn’t care about something like that?

“I…”, he tries to speak up. “I wanted. Of course I did”. Okay, he sounds way too honest to be lying about it. Which is relieving. “He thought I didn’t?”.

“Well, it’s not that he thought so, but, you were so cold, so distant afterward… And also, you were so down before doing so, it’s strange, man. Especially if we consider how hesitating you’ve been acting about all of this”. About Tetsuro, better said. “You were down, and then, all of a sudden, you stop fighting back your desires to let them all go freely and get a blowjob from Tesso”.

He starts biting the dry skins of his lower lip. It’s a soft gesture, almost natural, but I know he’s nervous. He usually does so when we are working on a project or getting tested in class.

Now I’m scared of him not noticing he was indeed acting weirdly, because perhaps he said he wanted to do so, but the truth is that he did not, and it’s just now that he comes to realize such cruelty.

God, I hope it’s not the case. Please, don’t let it be the case. I would hate myself, and I know Tetsuro would hate himself even more.

“It wasn’t… It wasn’t just like that”, he tries to explain. For how lost he looks, I think he is doing this so he can understand himself too. “I wasn’t okay, that’s true, but… I didn’t let him eat me out just because I wasn’t thinking clearly or anything”, he says. “He… I was thinking clearly, to start with”. That’s good to know. “He wasn’t pushy. He was, actually, helpful”. 

“Helpful?”, I ask about it.

“I needed distraction”. That’s not as good as I expected. Like, yeah, Kotaro and myself were already guessing it could be the case, and… Yes, sex can work as a distraction sometimes. While all sides are aware of it, then there is nothing wrong with it, but… 

Was Tetsuro even fully aware of how much he was distracting him? 

Was Kei?

“I think you are getting the wrong idea, Keiji”, he says, then. “I knew were I was doing, and with whom”. I nod to that. “Which means, I wanted to do it with him. Not with anyone else. Just… Just him”. We both use his pause as a silence to concentrace. “I didn’t hide any feelings on sex, that would mean I could have used whomever. I just… I just allowed my new emotions in. I decided to do so, to focus on them instead of anything else, and that’s only because he was there”. I… I think I understand the difference. “In any other context, perhaps I wouldn’t have accepted. I would have been too restrained still. But he took me away, he helped me… well. To get over with it, and when I managed to stop thinking of what was hurting me, I saw him. I saw it was because of him. So…”. He takes a deep breath. “I wanted to do it. It’s just that, when he left, all the fears came back, but that has nothing to do with him. If so, it just proves that I was feeling good with him around, and that I…”.

He doesn’t say it, but I know the words. “ I’ve missed him ”. 

God, this is not what I expected, because is too good to be true. I mean, well, Kei is telling me he was doing horribly, and that I don’t like, obviously, but that’s something we knew from the beginning, so he is not saying anything that could surprise me. What I was scared about was how he dealt with his sadness. I didn’t want him to use Tetsuro just for a blowjob, as much as I didn’t want my friend to use Kei to finally get what he wanted, without thinking of his feelings.

It’s nothing like that. Actually, if that would have been the case, it would have implied that Kei wants nothing to do with Tetsuro. That it was just something sporadic, and that my best friend needs to move on because that’s all he will get. 

But, no. That’s not the case. Tetsuro wanted to be helpful, and then felt the desire to go further. And Kei, who needed to be dragged away from the party, managed to forget what made him feel so down… and that helped him to listen to his other emotions. For the first time.

For the first fucking time, he did it.

Oh, God, this is actually so good.

“You are about to explode, Keiji”, he points out.

Well, I’m trying not to smile.

“Sorry. Do you… do you wanna talk about it?”.

“The blowjob?”.

“No, for fuck’s sake”. I stop. “Well, that we can later, but, I meant what made you feel sad at the party”. That brings his mood a bit down. To be honest, I know where his pain comes from, but I want him to tell me. “Yams, right?”.

I’m not surprised when he nods. 

I mean, we all saw it. That’s why I wanted to go after him before Tetsuro did instead. It’s not that Yamaguchi was doing something bad, not at all, but… He was too close to Terushima, and I can imagine that Kei didn’t enjoy it very much.

Is it fair? I suppose not; the guy has his total right to be with whomever he wants, but I understand why Kei struggled watching them together. They may think he is not that fond of Yamaguchi because he refuses to have a proper relationship with him, that he doesn’t love him as much as Yamaguchi does, but, I’ve been listening to him talking about his feelings over the guy for six years.

He is madly in love with him, that’s undeniable. But, apparently, there are still people that refuse to admit it. Just because my friend hasn’t come to a solution with his feelings, and still doesn’t know how to manage them.

“I suppose it has to do with the fact that he was with that guy all the time”.

“All the time”, he confirms. “I know I shouldn’t but, him? Really? From all the options he can go after, does he really want Terushima?”.

“What’s that bad about him?”. I cross my arms over the table so I get closer to him. 

It’s too late when I remember the damn table is full of coffee, but he is too overwhelmed by the topic he doesn’t care. Thank God; I’ve been embarrassed enough today.

“What’s not bad, you may say”. 

Okay, he really hates him. So far, I don’t remember everything he told me about them when Yamaguchi used to date him. Yeah, I know about the pushy, about how public they were… But I never saw Yamaguchi suffer because of it. If so, it was the total opposite. 

I’m afraid that’s exactly what Kei hates about it: that they were totally fine, and it scare the hell out of him.

“Other than Terushima being the contrary to you?”, I say. 

He then looks paralyzed to me, as if pointing out the obvious was something he didn’t expect from me… or from anyone at all. I mean, it can’t be that he is noticing just now, right? Like, at least Yamaguchi may have told him already. His closest friends.

Himself. I don’t know.

“Kei… I thought you were aware of that”.

He brings his eyes down, ignoring me for a second. Then, he nods.

“Yeah, I am”. Okay, that’s relieving somehow. “But that’s not why I don’t like him”.

“Maybe, but perhaps that is why Yamaguchi likes him”. 

Shit… That’s too much.

Okay, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m implying that the guy has tried to forget Kei with someone that is the total opposite to him. Which, it may be true. Usually, it makes sense, and even if it’s not the same case, Kei is doing the exact same with Tetsuro. Yes, he is not literally trying to forget Yamaguchi, but, he has discovered he likes someone that is nothing alike his all time lover. So, why can’t the guy do the same?

And who am I trying to lie to? If Kei is suffering because of this, is obvious that Yamaguchi is also going nuts about him getting along with Tetsuro. 

It hasn’t happened, and I hope it never does, but I would also lose my shit if I saw Kotaro trying to get over me with someone that is nothing like me. Even if, to be honest, I would also lose it if he did with someone that is exactly the same to me.

I would lose it seeing him with anyone, let’s start there.

I’m afraid that’s why Kei doesn’t understand. That, this time the problem is Terushima, but this is not the first guy he gets annoyed by when being around Yamaguchi.

“I don’t wanna be that friend, Kei, but perhaps this is what you need”. He only sighs, which is a good thing, because he is not trying to deny it. “Him moving on, you finally getting over it. Man, you two have been suffering for so long over this. You are hurting yourself by telling him that it’s not possible to stay together, but then getting paranoid when you see he can be with someone else”.

Since it’s Terushima now, I suppose that, whenever he talks about this with his friends, he can use the excuse “ but why him, from everyone? ” and it may work. Sadly, not with me.

And I’m not trying to say I know him better than anyone; that’s clearly false. But, since Yamaguchi is part of his friend group, I’m afraid I know stuff the rest don’t. Simply because I play a favorable role in this story, and that’s that I have no relationship at all with the guy.

All the others are closer to Yamaguchi than they are to Kei, even. So, it is fair to say he may not feel safe talking about this with them. It is also fair to think that he may have not come to a conclusion about his feelings towards him or anything else related to love and sexuality simply because he has been caged in the same jail since childhood.

One doesn’t get to know oneself if they don’t explore, if they don’t learn and are willing to understand what goes on inside of them. If Kei has been protecting himself from the future by refusing to create a present, then it’s obvious to think he may know nothing about what he wants, feels or hates. 

And, so far, the only thing that’s clear from this is that he loves Yamaguchi dearly, almost as much as he hates the fact that he does so. Because, as he keeps loving him, there is no way he can move on. And perhaps he doesn’t even want to move on at all, because doing so may mean that what he has been holding onto for so many years is finally over, and that’s… 

Damn, that’s painful.

“Are they…?”, I try to ask.

As patiently as he can, he shakes his head.

“To be fair, I don’t think they will go out together again”. I’m curious to know why he thinks so. “Terushima is going to leave again, and, at least while we live together, I’m think Tadashi won’t be able to have a proper relationship”.

Now is me the one sighing at the information.

“And do you think that’s fair?”.

“No, Keiji”. He sounds pissed off. “But I can’t help it. He is also annoyed at me getting closer to Kuroo, and I think it is not fair as much as I think it’s obvious he would”. Just as I expected. “But, apparently, since it’s me who didn’t want to be his boyfriend, I have no right to feel pain”. I understand why it bothers him, as much as I accept the point of people saying so. Yeah, somehow, it’s unfair that he, from them both, can be jealous. But, since I know why he refuses to have a relationship… what I consider also unfair is that his friends don’t try to walk in his shoes so they can comprehend. “I suppose that’s the problem”, he adds. “That they think I don’t want to, not that I can’t do it”.

Exactly. And that’s why I feel so sad listening to him, because I think he feels lonely when talking about this, both with Yamaguchi and also his friends. 

God, I can’t imagine how tedious it must have been to him to see them so close during Kenma’s birthday. I knew that he tried to avoid them as much as possible during the week, because the gay was close to Yamaguchi to the point of going everywhere together. But that party was inevitable. And Terushima, as much as I think he is no one to blame for going after a guy he likes… didn’t hold back at all. Which, also, was playing dirty in my opinion.

Like, at least you could behave if you see you are hurting someone else, right? Just a tiny bit. Of course, you don’t need to hide yourself; it’s not your problem, but… That’s something I never liked about him, from my total and honest ignorance: he may like Yamaguchi a lot, but he also enjoys making Kei jealous. Simply because he clearly thinks like everybody else: my friend refuses to get together with the love of his life, not because he can’t but because he doesn’t want to. And that’s unfair for Kei, as much as I think it its for Yamaguchi himself.

Damn it, this all sucks. I really wonder what Tetsuro did to him so he managed to help him forget about it for a few minutes. Like, I know he is the best friend ever, at least with me, but, they don’t know each other that deeply. Are they really that… perfect for each other in that way? I mean, I was thinking before about how little Tetsuro and Yamaguchi look alike, in every possible way. As much as Terushima may be what Yamaguchi needs… perhaps Tetsuro is what Kei needs to?

Oh, God, I hate my friend. If he gets to know this, he will be flattering himself forever.

“I don’t know”, he states. “I suppose I need time. I already went through this years ago, I didn’t expect to see it happening again”.

“But it would”, I say. “I mean, at some point, Yamaguchi may find someone that…”.

“Keiji, I will never say this again, but, don’t you prefer to talk about blowjobs with me?”.

I bring my head down and laugh at his stupid comment. 

Okay, fair enough. He doesn’t want to keep talking about this, so we can move on.

And he wants to move on to… Tetsuro? Interesting.

“You may be so hurt if talking about Tesso is a better option”.

“Well, we can talk about how bad you guys are at Pictionary, if you want”.

“Nah, let’s go back to Tesso”. I do tiny jumps on the chair because I’m suddenly excited. He’s frowning at me as if this wasn’t his idea. “It’s that or talk about Terushima. What do you prefer, my dear friend?”.

“Nothing at all”. 

“You can’t skip this conversation, Tsukishima”.

He groans.

“God, you just sound like him now”.

I did it on purpose, yes.

“So what? You like it?”.

Oh, no. I’m fucked. He is doing that thing with his brows… the presumptuous move. The arrogant, cocky bastard… Oh, God, he is just like Tetsuro. They are meant to be. 

“No, but, do you?”. There it is, he is fighting back. “I suppose you are jealous, after all”.

Now the groan comes from my throat.

“You are disgusting”. As he smiles to me, I think I’m flushed. “You know what? That’s your loss, not mine”. I stand up and accept my defeat. No blowjob talking today!. “I’m way better than Tesso at oral sex”.

“Keiji…”.

“No, no. It’s fine. One day you will look back in time and think of the chances you are missing by going after just one guy”.

“Keiji”. He insists. And I turn back to the table, where he is completely calm and unamused. “Your jersey is full of coffee stains”.

As if the clear wet feeling on my arms wasn’t enough, the obvious (and glorious) scent reminds me that he is right. But, instead of feeling ashamed, I keep my cool and nod.

So, what? I was already blushing anyway.

“I like coffee”, I say. God, could I be more stupid? I guess not. But as soon as I see Kei smiling, I think embarrassing myself was worth it today. Both sleeping in class and now with my dirty jersey. “Not you, though. You disgust me”. 

“You said that already”.

“And you better not forget about it!”.

I go away, with no plan for today other than going to Fukurodani to take a shower and change clothes. Since Kotaro is busy for the evening, I suppose I will take a nap. Hopefully, now that I know what goes on between Kei and Tetsuro, stress won’t keep me up at night anymore. I just hope it would be over for them too. Especially to Kei.

At least things are not stuck in the past anymore. If he has finally discovered what he is starting to feel about Tetsuro, that means that, sooner or later, my friend will be able to move on. I just hope no one gets hurt on the process, just as I hope he really understands what goes on inside his heart and head. Till then, I will be around, waiting for him to open himself fully to us. To me. Or to whomever he needs.

I can spill more coffee on my clothes, if that works. If not, I will do whatever he wants me to. Just like Tetsuro, I suppose. Just like the friends he is finally willing to accept around

Chapter Text

KUROO

I’m usually quite consistent when following my schedule. Unless something urgent or relevant happens during the day, I never skip my task or timings. I’m a busy man, sadly. Which means, doing what I’m doing today is unusual: I’m missing the gym session. 

Okay, let’s be honest: I follow my agenda ninety-nine percent of the time. If I don’t, it is because I decide that going training is not as interesting as resting one hour more. And I do so just because I know a good sleep is as healthy for my body than doing sports.

Especially when you come from hard days in which insomnia has been knocking at the door almost every night.

I’m doing better today. That’s why, when the alarm went off at half pass six to go to the gym, I decide to stop it and cover myself a bit more. I think the fact that I’m at home and not at Nekoma for once helps a bit. This is not the usual, it’s never on my agenda even if there are not many things that make me feel happier than this. Still, since we come from a complicated weekend, on Monday I decided to text Yaku to warn him I wasn’t staying over in our room and went to surprise Kenma instead.

Well, I tried to surprise him. The first thing he thought when he saw me at home at eight in the evening was that someone had died. 

“You are never here at this time, not without warning me before”, he said.

And, to be fair, he was right. But what kind of surprise would if be if I told him I was coming? That’s not how it works! Even if he wouldn’t have read me on time, since he was playing. Poor man got killed in Elden Ring because of me opening the door. He thought I was a thief. Honestly? Do I really need to come more often so he doesn’t get scared? Damn it.

I really need to get my PhD done already so I can move here, definitely.

Even if, when that happens, I will miss waking up to him next to me as much as I do so when I stay in Nekoma. Because today, when I open my eyes and stretch my whole body, I notice the obvious: he is not in bed. I suppose he is warming up for his streaming session… or perhaps it’s way later than expected, and he is already live.

It’s half past ten, or that says my phone when I reach for it.

Fuck, I slept way too much. Now my agenda needs to be rescheduled again. Ugh, I hate to skip gym because of this!

I sit on the mattress’ edge as I try to come back to life after such a deep sleep. I needed it, I’m not gonna complain, but… Sweet Lord, I don’t even remember what I dreamed about. Was it nice? Was it a nightmare? I guess we will never know… but what I for sure will know is if Kenma is working or not, and for that I just need to try to open the room’s door.

It’s locked. Like, not key-locked, but closed completely. Which means, he didn’t want to wake me up. Which means … yeah, I slept a lot.

Oh, man, I’m a real mess. Then Akaashi and Bokuto complain because they say I have no free time. What do they want me to do? Whenever I free myself from my tasks, I fall asleep. God, I really need a break. I know.

But, so far, I’m okay with being home for a day. I don’t have to visit the lab till late afternoon, so, so far, I can stay here doing nothing more than staring at my boyfriend.

Which is one of my favorite things to do, and that I make sure to place on my agenda at least from two to three hours per day. Normally, the time he dedicates to stream. I don’t care if I’m in class, at the gym, working in the lab or just having lunch. My phone always has battery enough to play his streams and not miss a single minute from it.

Ah, yeah. My favorite thing.

Just like right now, as I get to his office and I rest against the doorframe to simply stare at him. The room is not that big. Like, it is big enough to have a sofa, some shelves full of figures and stuff to decorate his set up. But from all the items he collects, having a half naked boyfriend on the back of his camera window is not the best.

Even if, I know, his fans are quite fond of me and always donate when I appear. Especially if I’m shirtless, as today.

But I won’t ruin Kenma’s game. I simply wait here, listening how he wants to kill whoever is messing up with his round at Valorant. It’s not till it is over than he looks up and seems me here. His mood changes completely, and I see the exact second in which he mutes himself to talk to me.

“Are you okay?”, he asks me directly.

As if my smile wasn’t an answer of its own.

“Nah”, I joke, “a bit in love”. Kenma frowns. “Doctors say it’s a deadly disease”. I bring my hands to my left pec. “It can only be cure with a love kiss”.

“Then you’re about to die”. I start slipping down till I sit on the floor. I’m still touching my heart, and faking the most horrendous yet lovely death of all time. “Stop holding your boob, you jackass. Your heart is not even there”. Well, it would be a little bit to the center, yes, but… who cares? “Are you okay, then?”, he insists. 

I stay sat where I am.

“Yep”, I reply. “Don’t worry, kitty; I was just tired”.

I suppose his concern comes from me skipping the gym, which is only the next step from coming home to sleep instead of staying in Karasuno. Yeah, not the usual, but I’m fine. A few bad nights won’t change the fact that I consider myself quite lucky in life.

I’m a hard worker, after all, so I get what I fight for. But, still, there are some things around me that I haven’t looked for them and they are still here.

Like Kenma, sitting on the most horrible posture on his gaming chair, with his Pokémon headset messing his hair completely, as if the bun he always puts on in the morning wouldn’t be already messy enough. Damn, he looks so pretty. His clear eyes are so beautiful, I really feel healed from an illness I didn’t know I had.

“Promise?”, he insists once more.

“Promise”.

Then, he nods and goes back to streaming. He unmutes himself pretty fast, and takes his huge water bottle to drink a bit while he talks with his fans.

“Nah, I will play just one more round. Then, we will change games because this is clearly not my Valorant day”. By the way, I’m still on the floor. That’s a pain because I almost miss how he frowns and blushes while reading some comment. “How the fuck do you know I said boob ?”, he complains. “Do you read lips or what, Kraken?”. Whoever that Kraken is, they got it right. “Yes, Kuro is around today”. Aw, there he goes, my favorite moments: when he talks about me. Damn, I wish I could go there to read his chat going nuts. “No, he won’t be on camera today”. Yep, not undressed like this. “Because you all are thirsty, and he is mine, you get it? Mine, you horny little demons”.

I laugh. And I’m sorry, but I can’t hold myself back when I imagine him going all crazy because his fans are obsessed with us somehow. Am I famous like him? Not at all. Since Kenma barely uses social media for other than his job, there are not that many pictures of us on the Internet. And my profiles are private. Plus, I’m not that good and keeping them updated. So… I’m just Kenma Kozume’s boyfriend, the nerd that looks too hot for being, well, said nerd.

If only they knew how intelligent my boy is when he is not playing games… Not that he is not when he is streaming! But, other than his field, he is pretty good at everything. He could have been whatever he would have wanted, if it wasn’t because he discovered this job pretty soon. 

And, to be honest, if he had decided to study something related to science… Perhaps we would have broken up already. His schedule is quite different from mine, because he can choose the timings, unless me. So, if we would have the same lack of freedom, seeing each other would have been a real pain.

I’m glad he is a famous streamer that made us rich, to be fair. For plenty of reasons.

Since he is talking about Valorant again, I decide to stand up and walk around till I get close to his desk. I stay behind, right where the lights are, against a wall. I’m not even close to the camera, but he is looking at me, and frowning again.

“If they kill me because of you, we are done”, he threatens me.

He hasn’t muted himself to say so. Therefore, if I answer… they may hear me.

“You can’t live without me, kitty”, I say.

Offended, he brings his hands down. Really, he sits just like monkeys do: a leg crossed on the seat, the other one bent against the chest, one hand between his thigh and calf… 

Thank God, he does yoga almost every day. Otherwise, he would be visiting the physio almost every day.

“Sorry if you hear some noise, guys”, he tells his viewers, “there is a chinchilla in heat around, and they are quite annoying”.

I lean over his light towers and hold my laugh.

“Chinchilla!?”, I say, not as loud as I would want to, but I’m close. “Come on!”.

Kenma mutes himself for a second, and then cover his mouth with his hand.

“Hey, do you mind go get dressed? You are distracting me”. He acts like an annoying teen whenever I’m around and he is live. I love it. 

“Am I distracting you? Really?”. I move a bit closer just so he can see me better. He has unmuted him again, not covering his mouth anymore, and he’s back to playing. But, every few seconds or so, his eyes look up at me. And the more he does so, the more he frowns… and I smile. “Look at you, all sulking, like a child”.

“Imma kill you”, he mutters. 

I wonder if his fans will notice he is talking to me and not the game.

“Yeah, sure”, I say. I’m with both arms crossed over one of the towers. Since I’m in no rush for leaving, I just stay here as he blushes more and more. He decides to stay quiet, for some reason that I guess has to do with his trembling voice. His forehead is also starting to get full of wrinkles, and his breathing has gained some speed. When I see a sweat drop running through his temple, I know I win. “You love me so…”

“Okay chat”, he brings his controller down. I guess he got killed. “We are gonna take the pause now, okay? Our ten usual minutes, and then we move to Genshin”. He is already standing up. “Yeah, yeah, say whatever you want, but break is now, go take some drinks you bunch of pigs!”. 

I’m trying to move from the camera setting as he jumps off his set up and come grab me by the wrist. I just let myself drag away.

“Wow, wow!”, I ask for some patience just to piss him off. “Chill, kitty, you seem…”.

“Ten minutes, Kuro”, he says. “You better fuck me right in those ten minutes, because you know how annoying it is to me when you stay home while I stream”.

Even if he says so, he enjoys it a lot. If that wasn’t the case, I wouldn’t be here or wouldn’t leave the room. But he loves it. And the most obvious proof is how horny he gets from just having me around. Okay, me being on my pajama joggers may help a bit, but also I’m aware of how worried he was from seeing me at home on working day. But since he knows I’m fine… Well, this is a chance we don’t usually have.

We are pretty active when it comes to sex, but not as much as we would like to. There are times in which I fuck more with Akaashi and Bokuto than with my own boyfriend, damn it!

Apparently, today, those stats may be changed.

“Only ten minutes, though”, I joke as he takes me to bed. “You know I like to take my time and do things right. You may be late to your stream if…”.

He pushes me to the mattress, and as soon as I try to lift myself with my elbows, he is already on top of me. Compared to my undressed body, he is wearing red joggers and a black hoodie thick as fuck. Still, and counting with his messy long hair, I swear he looks sexy as hell. At least, to me, that I’m obsessed with him in any way possible.

And when he gets on top of me… God, I know what I’m getting from this.

Yeah, I may be a top and him a bottom, but the dom is clearly Kenma, and I love this.

“Ten minutes, Kuro”, he insists. When I’m about to hold his waist, he grabs my wrists and brings my hands back to the mattress. He gets closer to me, and I hold my breath. “And you are wasting one talking nonsenses”.

He kisses me and I let go of a groan of pure pleasure. 

Damn, I already feel my cock twitching and I didn’t even give it enough time to get hard. 

He knows how to turn me on, especially when he is the one in a hurry, so he starts rubbing his still half soft boner against mine. My legs want to bend so bad, but I let myself do whatever he wants… because he needs to get the most out of this ten minutes. Or, nine, since I guess we have already gone down.

“How do you know how much time we have left, kitty?”, I ask him. 

I already sound deeper and hornier. 

“I have a timer on”, he tells me, pausing his kisses just to breath and talk. Instead, his voice sounds quite desperate. “You better make me cum before I hear it”.

“Well”, I don’t want to laugh, but it’s complicated because his horny-self is one of my favorite ones. “Then you should stop talking and get me inside, don’t ya think?”.

He leans back and sends me a rage glance before moving away from me and crawl back. He gets between my legs, which I finally bend, and then he brings my joggers down. I wear no underwear to sleep. So, my cock is free to use for him the moment I’m fully naked. 

Kenma needs just one second to lay down, grab it and bring it to his mouth.

Ah, man, I won’t waste many time from those eight minutes and so we have to get hard.

I fist his brown hair and help him take me. Not that he needs me for anything; he is really skillful on his own, but since we are in a hurry, I need to get hard as soon as possible, and… Well, him being in charge is guaranteed success. But, till then, I need my own skills to get me as hard as I need to be to get fucked.

I start pushing against his throat. He takes me easily, used as he is to this. Still, I fuck his mouth slowly but on a good rhythm so I make sure I get to the point I want to reach. To achieve so, I make sure of looking at him every second he sucks me in. So beautiful, so dirty. His messy hair only makes it better for me, and when his skin starts reddening because of the heat, I know we both are doing pretty fine.

“Fuck”, I groan. “Go faster, kitty”.

I let go off his hair and lean closer to him as he sucks me nonstop. I bring my right hand to his ass, and slide it beneath his trousers so I can get to his hole just as fast. Once there, I press a finger in, and start moving so I can get him also prepared. 

He needs even less time than I do, and just the sense of feeling his insides so ready is stimulating enough to know I’m full ready to go.

“Come up”, I say. 

He frees my already hard cock and gets undressed from hips down. With only his hoodie and socks, he sits on my tummy and, on his knees, looks for my dick so he can bring it straight up to his hole. He sits slowly on it, taking me in without hesitation. I close my eyes for just a few seconds, and then I open them again because I don’t want to waste a single one. Not if Kenma is about to ride me to oblivion, my favorite kind of ride.

When he adapts himself to me, he starts moving back and forth, taking me full. I grab both his thighs, and short after we start fucking, my nails are already scratching his skin. Thank God he won’t be naked on camera, otherwise everybody would see the scars I leave on him every time we fuck… or the ones he marks my back with. His usually go away in one day or two. Mine… I still have some from last month.

Jeez, I wish we had more than seven minutes.

 “You are… so annoying”, he tells me. He is already sounding quite moany, and I love how much he tries to stay rough. “Did you came to sleep… for this?”.

“Babe, if that would be the case, we would have fucked last night”.

But I was so freaking tired to do a proper job, and my boy deserves the best.

Just like right now.

“I’m busy”, he says. “Fuck, I started having… ten minute breaks because… of you”.

I smile, and even giggle. He is staring at me as I do so, and I know he loves it because the riding pauses for a second and his right hand flies to his own cock. Man, he drives me crazy, but I drive him just as mad too. 

“You know what they say”, I joke. He has increased the pace, and I’ve decided to bend my knees so I can push him closer and move my hips too. Now it’s me who push deeper, even if he is still doing the hardest job. “You should stretch every now and then; stay sat is not healthy for your blood circulation”.

He leans on me and, with his forehead on mine, he looks me right in the eye with such a frowned expression it’s hard to accept he loves me that much.

“I’m not stretching”, he says. To that, I smile back.

“Not if you lay like that”.

I thrust as hard as possible against him and that makes Kenma go back up and straighten his spine completely. He brings his right hand back, looking for my knee to stay in balance as he rides me again pretty fast. When that’s not enough, he palms both my pecs so he can move his hips freely. I just let myself get fucked. The deeper he takes me, the harder is for me to keep my eyes open wide. 

I bite my lip even if that doesn’t stop me from groaning like a maniac. He, in charge as he is, moans on soft exhales that sound as cute as frenetic. My nails are starting to get deep into his waist’s skin. He can move so fast… I really understand Bokuto when he says no one milks him as quickly as Kenma does.

He is just a freaking machine, and I’m whatever he wants me to be.

“God, babe”, I grunt, “so good”.

“Shut up”, he says, bringing a short laugh out of my chest. “Not enough. Not… for me”.

I decide to move my right hand all over his leg, down and back up, and when I reach his waist again, I don’t stay there and go for his cock instead. I bring his foreskin back and then start playing with his tip. Rubbing it, stimulating it as much as his balls, so I get the explosion on its way. His sobbings get louder. His eyes get shut as the pleasure takes him. But it’s not enough. I know it’s not enough, even if he is closer than before.

We only have four minutes. Perhaps, not even that.

“Kitty…”, I call him. He looks for me with full desperation. “Ride me to Hell, be rough”

He nods, as if he needed my word to do so, and then he brings his arms back to use my legs as a base. With both his foot on the mattress now, he starts taking me up and down at his own desire. To me, it works. As I see him go all crazy over my cock, I’m in pure bliss.

With that in mind, I let go of the thinking of how much time we have left. This is all his doing; he will manage the clock as he wants. And since this is not the first time, we use his stream breaks to fuck… He knows he can. He is fully aware of when to cum, so he can go.

I know it’s the moment when his moaning breaks into soft sobbings. When he goes all quiet, but his moves get faster, I stare at him as he finds his orgasm. He uses one of his hands to jerk it off and explode all over my abs. I love the painting he creates with me as a canvas, so I don’t interrupt as he empties himself. 

When he is back to using my chest for balance, an alarm goes off on his desk.

Right on time.

He has only one minute to rest, get dressed and be back.

“Good job, kitty”, I say. I help him with the aftercare, bringing his hair to a bun again, since his got destroyed while riding me. And I also clean his sweat. The redness of his cheeks… well, it better go away on its own. “Spectacular, as always”.

“No”, he whimpers. “You didn’t cum”.

“Nah, don’t need to”. Truth being said, I would have love to, but there is no need for me to get an orgasm in such a short time. I prefer him to do so instead. “I will do now”.

I’m going anywhere, so a handjob session can work.

He doesn’t like that. Actually, he groans as he frees my cock from his ass and move down. Look at this proud princess, getting annoyed at what he won’t get for himself!

“Come on, keep showing off”, I smile as I cross my hands on my nape.

He stares at me right after getting dressed, and I know my presence, still hard, is driving him crazy. Just to torture him a bit more, I bring my right hand down to jack off.

“I hate you”, he says.

I can’t say nothing on time, because he goes away running to his office and closes the bedroom’s door on his way out.

Since I’m alone, I shut down my eyes so I let go of completely once I start jerking off. I mean, I wasn’t close to cum, but I also think I won’t need that much time to get there. Concentrated on nothing at all, I take my hard on up and down. I’m full of precum, so my hand slides easily all over my shaft. It’s sad we are in the morning still. If this would be the night, I would sleep just like a damn baby after cumming. 

But the day has just started for me, so I need to come pretty fast just so I can go shower, prepare lunch, and get to work on time.

To get there, I pick my phone with my left hand with the only thought on mind of doing a fast recap of my private folder of Kenma, Akaashi and Bokuto. Since we are not always the four together, we have the stupid habit of sending each other pictures or videos while we fuck, just to annoy whoever is not there when that happens. Since it’s normally Kenma, he pays me back with his own videos jerking off or fingering to my absence. 

That’s what I have in mind when I unlock the phone. That, or perhaps some Aka selfie when he comes out of the shower and sends the pic to the group chat saying how much he misses his two physicist if we are still…

Oh, fuck. Fuck. Shit.

I come up to sit as I see have a few notifications from Tsukishima. Okay, relax, man. This is happening. How? I have no idea, but I confirm those are from our chat, the one he hasn’t used a single time and that is full of me trying to get some response from him. 

Oh, God, there are three messages. Three! Is this real life?

Tsukishima, NOT Tsukki

link 📎 [10.41]

Hey, Doctor, is this you? [10.42]

Just wondering, because it’s a good article, actually [10.42]

I click on the link to see what is he talking about and, indeed, he is sending me an article I wrote a few years ago about some topic that has nothing to do with his field at all. I mean, to be fair, it’s not mine either, even if it’s related to physics and a project Bokuto and I did together. But I was pretty proud of it, and when they requested me writing about it for a scientific magazine… it did cheer me up.

It’s usually Bokuto the one that is chosen for those things, same as conferences. It’s rarely me, because he is the genius from us both. So, when I’m the one that gets credit… Reading T. Kuroo on such a relevant media… God, it feels good!

And now Tsukishima is reading it? Oh, okay, chill. I think I’m gonna cum without even touching myself.

Tetsuro

Why the tone of surprise? [11.12]

Can’t you believe I’m capable of such things? [11.12]

Also, glad to see you can text back, man! [11.13]

💟 sticker [11.13]

I send him a cat with an angry face staring at the camera as this gets closer.

Of course, he is not online anymore, but I’m still staring at the screen as if he would be there, somehow. When I notice I’m acting so stupidly, I also sense a powerful pleasure on my lower belly. Oh, yes, my left hand is still jacking my cock off. Great, now I can masturbate without even noticing!

I decide to lay back while I wait for Tsukishima to respond. I’m trying to convince myself of that not happening anytime soon, maybe not ever, when I see he is connected again and he has started typing. Wait, he is, oh God, he is writing on our chat.

I sit again.

Tsukishima, NOT Tsukki

Don’t blame me, I’m not used to your cleverness [11.15]

Yes, I can text back, but your questionable selection of messages were not worth my time, as you can imagine [11.16]

Tetsuro

How so? [11.16]

I’ve been sending you the most awesome stickers and gifs around! [11.17]

Tsukishima, NOT Tsukki

That’s your opinion [11.17]

💟 sticker [11.17]

Oh, God, Bokuto was right; Tsukishima really uses dino stickers. He just sent me one of a… I guess it’s a triceratops? With sunglasses, drinking a margarita. What the fuck is that!?

Tetsuro

Man, that one is hideous [11.18]

Tsukishima, NOT Tsukki

You are tasteless [11.17]

My cock thinks otherwise, because I have the feeling that he has laughed while writing that… And just by the idea of him doing so, my dick has twitched on my hand. Darn. I bite my lip so bad I let go of a moan.

Tsukishima, NOT Tsukki

Anyway, great article [11.19]

I didn’t know you could actually use your brain for something so relevant [11.20]

Tetsuro

I will take that as a compliment [11.21]

Why were you reading it, though? [11.21]

I’ve gotten myself pretty good at typing with just one hand. Phone sex is another habit we all have, and even if this is just me… Oh, damn, will he get mad if I tell him I’m masturbating to him? Damn it, Tetsuro, why would you tell him such a thing?! 

Worst idea possible.

Tsukishima, NOT Tsukki

Bokuto sent me one that one of your mates wrote about Triassic’s  [11.22]

And this was linked down below [11.22]

Tetsuro

It has nothing to do with the Triassic lol [11.22]

Tsukishima, NOT Tsukki

You tell the magazine, not me  [11.23]

Tetsuro

You were the one reading it! [11.23]

Tsukishima, NOT Tsukki

The clickbait, I guess  [11.23]

It has a catchy title [11.23]

Truth is, no one outside our field could fine such a scientific title interesting.

God, him trying to lie gets me even harder.

Tetsuro

You sure it wasn’t because you wanted to read me? [11.24]

Maybe intelligent people turn you on [11.24]

Tsukishima, NOT Tsukki

I would read Bokuto’s articles, then  [11.25]

Tetsuro

Ouch 😣 [11.25]

💟 sticker [11.25]

My always useful sticker of a myself with some waterfalls drawn falling from my eyes. Akaashi did it, and I use it quite often, to be honest.

Tsukishima, NOT Tsukki

Anyway, as I said, it’s pretty good [11.26]

How is that you are on the phone now, while your friend is working? [11.27]

Damn, that’s quite a timely question, my friend.

Just as he says so, my cock throbs once more. I’m going slowly, so slowly I can still feel my orgasm not even close.

As I think what to reply to him, I notice that, since he has answered me finally, the app shows his profile picture to me. He is no longer a blank doodle, now he is… Oh, boy, a moon. He literally has a picture of a moon as a profile pic! Can’t he be more obvious?! I can’t jerk off to that! I need to find out if he has social media. Does he take selfies? Would he be into filming himself while fucking?

God, the mere idea of him fucking… I go back to Saturday night, and I lick my lips just by remembering the taste of his cum. I know; that’s disgusting, it’s too much, but, that’s the closest he has been to admit he likes me somehow. He let me ate him, come on. What more does he need to accept it?

He is talking me now. That not only confirms so, but also that he is not mad at me, right? After what happened yesterday at the coffee shop… I was pretty confused. It was fun, I loved to see him flirting back for the first time, so openly. But then Bokuto took me away and gave me the biggest tedtalk from history. “Be careful, please”, he said at least ten times. “We still don’t know if he is completely fine with it, if he regrets what happens or if him and Yamaguchi are okay after what you two did”. 

So, with that in mind, I went back to the lab and drove myself crazy while thinking of him, to the point that I had to go back home instead of staying in Nekoma. I needed to make sure I could sleep. After two nights totally awake, Monday was a rollercoaster of emotions, and I went from paranoid to excited to paranoid again.

And now, Tsukishima is once more making me wonder what goes on between us. He has texted me first, for the first time, to talk about an article. And now he is asking me… what am I doing? Okay, his question is not literally that, but that’s what he means with it. His usage of words is clever; he hides his real interest by talking to me like that. Still, I really wish we could talk about what happened. Not through a phone, but face to face.

Though, this is a good start, isn’t it?

Tetsuro

Trust me, man, you wouldn’t believe what I’m doing right now lol [11.31]

Since it took me four minutes to find the courage to text him something as simple as that, I wonder if he really can get the meaning behind my vague words.

Meanwhile, the simple idea of him doing so is enough for my left hand to move faster.

I think it’s time I end this, already. I’m not gonna be jerking off for half an hour, otherwise my cock may fall off from my body.

Tsukishima, NOT Tsukki

I’m afraid I don’t want to know  [11.32]

Tetsuro

I can explain next time we meet [11.34]

I’m aware this has no meaning outside my own perception. But, if he is on the same page as I am, at least on this conversation, I think he will understand. Therefore, his reply may mean more than a simple answer to me. God, I really need to know we are fine. I need to make sure what happened on Saturday night was something we both wanted, not only me. 

Not just to forget what was going on out the shack.

So, the wait till he text me back is so long I start fearing I won’t cum. This may be the most stupid handjob I’ve ever given myself, and still, I really want to come to his thought. I want to allow myself to do so, because that will mean we are fine.

And, after what he said yesterday afternoon, I suppose we are, right?

Tsukishima, NOT Tsukki

We will see  [11.37]

Just like that, the most stupid yet obvious smile appears on my face as I lock down the phone and lay back on the mattress to treat myself with an orgasm. I don’t necessarily think of him while I do, my mind goes blank as I reach pure bliss, but that’s thanks to him. Because after almost four whole days of madness, he has emptied my head of ugly thoughts.

We still have to chat, I’m aware of it. But now I don’t fear that conversation that much.

If so, I can’t wait for it to happen.

I move my hand so fast it almost doesn’t go any further than the tip. I do what I need to cum, first just with pure strength and then in harsh circles that turn my eyes completely white. I take the deepest breath once I empty myself, and then stay as I am, all cozy in bed with my abs full of cum, both mine and Kenma’s, even if this is just an sticky and dry trace. I don’t care, all went fine. All can still go even better.

As I allow myself to smile, the room’s door opens and Kenma appears under the frame. He has his huge water bottle with him, and stares at me with angry cat eyes.

“Done already?”, he asks.

Ah, yes, I haven't held myself back when moaning. I hope his microphone didn’t take my loud noises in.

“Ah, yeah”, I groan. “It was so good”.

He rests against the door.

“How so?”. I look for him, and I see he is checking at my phone, which is locked. “Who was it this time? Me? Aka?”.

He knows what I like to use to turn myself on sometimes. 

I’m glad to know I can add one more face to the portrait frame.

“Tsukishima”, I say, pretty happy about it.

Even Kenma is surprised. He was the only one that knew my feelings towards what happened on Saturday, since he spent that day’s night talking with me about it.

But I didn’t tell him what happened yesterday. When I got home last night, all I wanted to do was cuddle and sleep with him.

“Oh”, he says. “Everything is okay, then?”.

“Apparently”, I point out. I’m still out of breath. “He seems fine. He is acting more than fine”, I giggle just to the memory of him fighting with me over the Doctor title yesterday.

God, my cock twitches to the memory. No, I can’t get hard again, damn it!

“So, everything is fine with Yams too?”. I know he is worried about his friends, both of them. So, since I haven’t talked with Tsukishima, I nod, but just because I suppose that’s the answer that he will give me. Or that’s what I hope.

“Apparently”, I repeat.

Then I notice Kenma is next to me, sat on the edge as he leans to my face to give me a kiss. He may be on another short break, this time to get some water. God, I love he still took a few seconds from that break to come and check on me. My smile may look like the most stupid grin from all time.

“I’m glad, then”, he says. And I manage to get a soft smirk from him too. “But next time, the orgasm is on me”.

He is not jealous, just mad at himself for not making me cum.

Knowing so, I laugh till my lungs hurt. Then he goes away, with a stupid yet shy smile on his face. He doesn’t close the door anymore, and once I get up to shower and get dress afterward, I go check the last part of his stream without disturbing not even once.

Ah, I’m so proud of my kitty boy. While everything seems to get pretty rough around me, I know I will still have him by my side. And, with that, I need nothing more.

For now, at least, I’m more than okay with how things are turning out.

Chapter Text

TSUKISHIMA

I’m dealing with my own expectations on myself as good as I can, and I’m doing this all on my own. Even if I’m surrounded by people that clearly help me get distracted, at the end of the day I’m alone even when I’m clearly not.

There are only a few moments in which the company works fine enough for me to just forget why am I in need of it so bad lately. Right now is one of them.

“Nice serve!”, Akaashi tells me when I’m about to start another round.

We are playing volley. I’ve been here since four in the afternoon, first with Tobio and Shoyo and now with him and Bokuto. Am I exhausted? You bet, but so far I’m having fun, I don’t want to stop even if I still have stuff to do before the day ends. 

But I have time. I can wait a bit, and push this training a bit longer.

“Man, your crossed ones are unstoppable today”, I complain to Bokuto.

He takes it as a compliment, but I’m furious at him because he has noted that I can’t block him, and he is abusing it for over half an hour already.

“I feel so light today!”, he says. “So young and full of dreams”.

“Let those dreams for later, I beg you”, Akaashi joins me, even if he is on his team.

Poor man is bored of repeating the same moves over and over again.

“Just a few more”, his man solicits.

And then, just like every minute for the last hour and a half, he brings his shirt up to clean up his sweat and his abs are full on sight in front of me.

The worst thing about sucking as a blocker against him is that I’m helping him get fitter, and have it easier to distract me whenever I caught myself looking at him. It doesn’t help knowing Akaashi is also mesmerized by his own boyfriend whenever he does so. But it’s also a real pain knowing he can get closer so easily to kiss him, touch him or rub against his fit belly in front of me.

“Well, you could too, if you wanted to ”, a voice says inside my head. “You only need to take a step forward, leave the next behind, and…”. I stop listening when I notice it’s Bokuto’s voice the one telling me to do so. I can even hear Akaashi in the back of my mind saying something like “come to us, Kei, come to us! ”. 

This heat that takes me over whenever I’m with them is really making me insane.

“Tsukki?”, Mister Abs says when I’m still immobilized in front of them. “You’ okay?”.

“No”, I say, without hesitation. “I’m starting to melt”.

But not from exhaustion.

“Let’s rest a bit”, Akaashi offers. “Plus, Kei said he had to leave soon, didn’t you?”. He looks for me to confirm, and all I do is nod as I grab on the net to rest my forehead against it for a while. “Man, are you sure you are okay?”.

I think this is the twentieth time he has asked me in three days. It’s Wednesday, and I’ve met with him almost every day since Sunday because he has been worried about me since Kenma’s birthday party. Yes, we talked about what happened already on Monday, but I’m aware that I’m not as clear as he needs me to be.

Well, if I knew how I feel about the weekend myself, I guess it would be easier for me to explain, right? But, sadly for everyone and also for me, I’m still a huge mess in my head.

And the fact that I haven’t seen Tadashi since Monday doesn’t help me, either. Our meeting was… short, intense and confusing. Okay, he said that him and Terushima are not going out or anything, and I know I should not care if that wasn’t the case. But I’m also aware of how he reacted when I tried to tell him that, on the other hand, something may have happened between Kuroo and me. Perhaps I wasn’t that clear, but I said enough for him to think that, his idea of us both getting along on the party, was accurate. 

Pretty accurate, to be fair.

Which is the reason why I’m still trying to come to a conclusion about what’s happening inside of me and what do I really feel or want.

So far, all I know is that I’m both physically and mentally drained. After meeting with Akaashi for endless times in three days and getting asked the same question almost every hour, I’m afraid all the answers I’ve given him are a lie.

No, I’m not fine. Not even close to be, but the reason why they were scared of me being doing horribly have nothing to do with reality.

I don’t regret what happened between Kuroo and I. I wanted it to happen, and it wasn’t the blowjob itself what drove me crazy afterward, but the fact that I, indeed, wanted it.

Perhaps that’s why I pushed myself a bit further yesterday to talk with him over chat, because since Akaashi told me he was also quite worried, I hated myself a bit for making them all think I was forced into something I clearly wasn’t.

I may want to kill Kuroo for being such a prick, but not for eating me out.

That… That actually wasn’t a reason to hate him, precisely. 

But he still has plenty of them, even if sometimes I forget about how annoying he can be.

“Of course he is not doing okay”, I hear his voice coming from my back. He remains quiet till I turn back to him. He doesn’t seem worried at all. “He hasn't got used to us yet”.

I take a deep breath and then rest against the net once more. When I sigh, I sound more annoyed than what I really am. The truth is, I’ve been close to share a smirk when I heard him talking, but he doesn’t deserve to see me react like that. Not yet.

Not if I don’t really know why do I want to smile at all.

“You speak as if you were here at all”, I point out.

“I’m always here”. As he comes forward, I turn my face to him so I can see how he bring his palms together, mimicking a prayer. “My spirit is always present with you all”.

“Now I understand the constant nausea”, I say.

To that, Akaashi bursts out laughing for some reason. Bokuto, instead, covers his mouth to not be so noisy. And Kuroo, not offended at all, just passes by beneath the net and goes after his loudest friend to kick him in the ass with his right foot, but does so with a smile on his face. I notice, because I never stop looking as they all move.

Even if I’m about to let myself fall against the damn net so I don’t need to stand up anymore. Could I loosen it enough to use it as a hammock? 

“Joke all you want, but you miss me when I’m gone”, Kuroo says.

“We see you way too often, man”, Akaashi says.

“Some more than others”. Bokuto, of course, is constantly sharing time with his best friend, since they work and study together.

Instead of getting defensive from the couple, Kuroo decides to turn himself towards me. I know the net separates us, and still, I feel like there is not enough barriers between our bodies. Not even air.

“But others ”, he says, about me, “act as if they were avoiding me”. Is that really what he thinks? That’s surprising, especially counting with how smiley he is when saying so. “Why so slippery, Moonshine?”, he asks me. “Are you scared of me?”.

Behind his flirty attitude, I know there is that fear Akaashi told me about. Still, Kuroo has a clever way to prove it, or perhaps he is just too scared. He hasn’t been brave enough to ask me about what happened to the face. Truth is, we haven’t been together after Monday, but we were texting each other yesterday, so he could have. 

Still, when he hid what he was doing on the phone to me, he also implied that he would explain to me later. Now , here on the court, can be that later he referred to. But, still, he is playing with his own words as if he wanted me to confirm I’m fine with him without using the exact words to ask me instead. 

I stare at him to try to decode his eyes as he waits for my answer. He has crossed his arms over the net, using it as something like a table, which he can do because he is tall enough to do so. Just like me, even if I’m only using my right forearm to do so. 

We are way too close to each other for me to think in something else. He may want to know if I’m mad at him for what we did, but so far I’m just trying to understand how can I get so weak when he looks and talks to me like that.

He is nothing like Tadashi, nor like Akaashi and Bokuto. How can he be so… effective?

“I’m scared of what you do on your phone when I text you”, I tell him. Which said with half a smug smirk provokes him enough for him to share one too.

As if we weren’t close enough, he pushes the net a tiny bit so his breath can hit me as much as his low voice once he talks to me again.

“Don’t worry, Moonshine”, he says. “I’m way worse in person than behind a screen”.

I can feel my brows twitching. I’m so exhausted, every muscle warns me of every move I do, even something as simple as that.

“I’m aware of it”, I joke, but I’m aware of how serious I make it sound. “Remember the nausea I was talking about? It’s here since yesterday”. 

I attempt with going away, but as soon as I try to, he grabs my wrist beneath the net and keeps me in place. I turn back to him, quite surprised of the soft touch. For a second, I forget we are not alone in here, and all the questions, doubts and fear fly away as if they were light as a feather. Somehow, I know all the answers I was looking for. 

It’s just, I wish I could accept them just as easily as they come and go.

“Are you sure it’s nausea?”, he jokes. “When the sensations come from this area”, he moves both our hands to my lower belly, and I contract every muscle in there, “it’s far from being some kind of sickness”.

“Really?”, I fight back. I’m so tense I think I come out quite rude. “Because I’m pretty sure I’m sick of you right now”.

Even that is enough to make him smile. God, I can’t get rid of his stupid desire of me, can I? My inability to make myself credible is going against me.

“Well, I can still make you feel even sicker of me”. He winks an eye.

He let go of my hand and I extend every single one of my fingers once they are free. As I still look at him going away, I sense that stupid trembling over my sport trousers. That heat, that pressure. That clear desire that I still refuse to accept as what it is.

God, he is annoying. And I’m worse than him for being so weak.

I still follow him with my eyes as he moves to the bench with Bokuto to change shoes so he can play a bit with us. It doesn’t matter how much I try to convince myself that the craving of my guts are not welcome in here; as much as I fist my hands in agony, I also remind myself that’s the guy that managed to drive me crazy on Saturday night.

When I wanted him to do so. When I openly desired him to make me go completely mad.

It’s obvious I’m still fighting with what I feel when he is around. As much as the memories from past encounters have nothing bad to offer to me, the present is always so hard to handle that I can’t believe I’m able to enjoy it once is over. How can someone that is supposed to be so worry about my choices be capable of flirt so easily?

Shouldn’t I be worried too? Isn’t this enough for me to fly away, and stop me from losing my mind over something that didn’t exist in my life two months ago?

As I try to find an explanation to what always stays unexplained, Akaashi comes to me with an obvious fear on his face. I suppose he asks himself the same question: if you were okay with it, why are you acting now as if you never were? Why Kuroo moving on is so bad for you all of a sudden? 

“Kei?”, he says. My eyes are, sadly, still stuck on fucking Kuroo, who apparently doesn’t give a shit about me anymore. “Are you sure you are…?”.

“Keiji”, I cut him off. “If you ask me that once again, I’m afraid I will start screaming”.

Because, no, I don’t really know. I just can’t explain why when he wasn’t here I was totally fine with his existence, and now that he appears I’m paranoid again.

“Perhaps it’s just because him being in front of you is enough for you to confirm what he makes you feel”. So far, I don’t know if that’s Bokuto’s voice in my head or I’m just trying to ignore my own conscience. “And, as you already know, you are not ready to accept it”.

Whatever it is, Akaashi just laughs at my comment but doesn’t force an answer anymore. He moves away, and the other two quickly join us for a few more rounds. Even if Kuroo is my mate this time, he takes volley seriously enough for the flirting to not be that obvious while we play. It’s still there, he never misses the chance, but it’s never enough to make me feel uneasy. If so, I’m always waiting for his new one: as if I would be so aware of his attitude that him acting somehow different would be too weird, even for me.

Even for someone that is supposed to be annoyed by it.

Still, I feel some relief when the training is over, and I can finally go. I chat with Akaashi for a short while before I leave to the changing room, which I do after a vague goodbye to the two that stayed in court training spikes for a short while.

It’s not till I’m on the path to the building that I can take a deep breath. God, I feel so incredibly stupid. When I texted Kuroo yesterday, even if I was sure of what he was trying to say before we stopped talking, I didn’t feel as strange as I did today in the court. It’s because he was, in fact, behind a screen as he said? Am I really so scared of confrontation, even when it’s supposed to be good, that I turn myself into some kind of punching bag? Not one to which the rest can hit, but one in which I can punch myself, hurting me, only me.

Or, well, hurting them as well.

They were all worried after Saturday night. I try to not forget so, even if their attitude towards me have clearly proved that they believe me when I say I’m fine.

But, so far, Kuroo and I haven’t talked about it. Akaashi and I have shared opinions a few times. And yesterday morning, when Bokuto came to campus to look for my mate, he also asked me a few times in person. Other than the few long messages he has sent me since Sunday to remind me that I can count on him for anything I need.

Still, the main protagonist of my presumed agony from the weekend, has only joked and flirted with me both in person and from afar. Is that how is it supposed to be?

God, I really need a break from everything. I can’t be just thinking of the same few things over and over again, because I always get to the same conclusions, and still, seems to not be enough for me to move on. With that in mind, I just get to the changing room and pick my towel and shower bag, so hopefully cold water can clear my head somehow.

I get on the first spot I find. There is a guy on the corner, almost done, and so far, I saw only two more on the benches getting dressed. It’s not that late, but it’s still late enough for the training areas to be emptied already. It’s good they leave me alone pretty soon, because I don’t need witnesses when I start frowning and biting my lips out of agony. 

Thank God I manage to study and work on my projects without my personal life affecting me at all, because otherwise, I’m afraid I would be fucked for this semester. 

As if I wasn’t already, anyway.

“What’s your supposed plan this evening?”. I’m washing my hair when I stop both my hands in the air because I hear his voice. Not Bokuto this time, not Akaashi. And not in my mind. He’s here, Kuroo is here, and he is talking to me.

I don’t turn back, because I have no idea if he is further away than the entrance to the showers, or he is already on his way to one. Which means, he could still be dressed up, which is more or less okay. But it could also mean he is naked, and even if I try to stay firm as I keep washing my hair again, the idea is not pleasant.

“Why supposed ?”, I quote, without looking back. “I have plans this evening”.

“Which are?”, he insists. Now he sounds closer.

“None of your business”.

I think he laughs, but the water falling all over me doesn’t help me confirm such a noise. I’m thankful for it, because my forehead already hurts from frowning, and my lungs are also getting it hard to breathe normally so far.

“Damn, I didn’t expect you to act so rude towards me after all”.

God, he is too close. There is no way he is dressed, because if that was the case, he would be totally wet already. Plus, you can’t bring shoes in here, only slippers. And so far, I don’t hear those stepping on watery tiles. 

Even if I can’t hear a shit, anyway. Not that, not even my thoughts.

“Perhaps you are actually mad, and I got the wrong idea all along”.

Shit, that’s… Fuck, that’s exactly what I don’t want to hear. He’s tricky, I give him that, plus also insufferable because he hides himself behind a flirty attitude instead of going up front and ask me directly how I feel towards him. Yes, I get it; he can be nervous too, but Mister Tetsuro Kuroo doesn’t get anxious when flirting, right? Why would I matter that much? And why am I allowing him to think I really fucked it up on Saturday night?

I bring my hands down and take a deep inhale. Stuck right below the shower head, I don’t allow my fears to ruin someone’s perception of me anymore. My doubts are mine and mine only. Whatever I have against him, it doesn’t affect what I wanted to do last weekend.

I suppose it’s time for me to deal with my agony on my own, after all. I can’t be dragging people around to it forever.

“I’m not mad”, I clarify.

“Then?”. His voice breaks the water noise around my right ear and gets clear to me. He… fuck, he is next to me. He is literally here, and if I was holding onto any other possibility, seeing his naked arm reach for the shower valve to turn the water warmer is enough for me to confirm I’m trapped.

As he steps ahead to share the same line of tiles as me, I turn my face to his, only to his, as I forget what the fuck did he ask me before I decided all I have to do now is avoid looking anywhere but his eyes. Not wearing my glasses doesn’t help as much as I wanted.

“Do you mind?”, he asks, as he picks up my shower gel. 

Ignoring him works as an answer. Just like with my interest on him, not rejecting him proves him I’m okay with what he does. Even if he made it quite clear he wanted to listen to me, borrowing my gel is not that relevant, apparently.

I don’t care, either; the less I have to talk, the better.

“So, you are not gonna tell me your plans?”, he insists.

I’m back at washing my hair. That helps me keep my eyes closed. Even if the mere idea of him doing the same right next to me is a painful reality to ignore.

“We need a heater”, I say. “The one we have broke last winter, and it’s starting to get cold at night in the room”.

The short silence is not encouraging me to think he will go away at all.

“You and Tadashi?”, he asks. 

And him saying his name is enough for me to panic. Fuck, as if I didn’t have enough with just one man to worry about, now he brings Tadashi into the conversation and all my thoughts get twisted and mixed. And all of that, while we shower together. 

Right next to each other, on a bathroom with at least nine other spots for him to choose.

“Yes”, I say. “I live with him, remember?”.

Now I do can hear his laugh even if the water is still running.

“Pretty well”. I don’t know what that means, actually. “Is mentioning his name enough of an excuse for you to talk to me about Saturday, or do I need to turn you on again so we can clarify what happened?”.

I open my eyes immediately. As I stare at the ceiling, my hands get stuck in my hair as water keeps bathing me from head to toes. Shower gel gets in my eyes, but not even them burning is enough for me to close them. I’m paralyzed. Both my heart exploding and my vision burning are not as painful as the constant drum playing inside my head.

So I thought he was too scared to talk about this, but apparently, he was just waiting for the perfect moment to shoot his shot. Right here, in the shower. On the damn tile we are both sharing, as if this place wasn’t empty to hold as both in different corners. 

I’ve been so naive, and he’s been so smart. There is no way I can avoid answering him with sarcasm, other than when he weakens me enough to forget how to do so.

God, I hate him. I really do, almost as much as I want him to understand that what we did last weekend wasn’t that big of a deal so we can move on.

To achieve that, I turn my head to him, slowly. My hands are down, trembling from nervousness and even cold. Him, though, is standing still. His wet hair looks pretty different from how he normally stylish it. But there is no way I can deny how hot he is. As I frame only his bust so I can avoid going down, the form of his shoulders, the thickness of his neck and jawline, is way too powerful against me.

I really want to fight back, but I can’t if I’ve already lost.

“I think I’m fine like this”, I say, pushing away the temptation of what a lack of answer can provoke on him.

“Sure?”, he jokes, lifting his right brow in a clear dare. Unlike me, he doesn’t miss the chance to run over my body as water still runs all over me. I can see the exact moment in which he takes a deep inhale when he is half way. “I think your body doesn’t think the same”.

I don’t need to look down to know if I’m horny or not. Yes, I’m aware of the pressure I feel on my crotch, but it can’t be as notable as he says. Which, sadly, makes me wonder how he feels in comparison. How hard is he already, because I know he is.

There is no way he is looking at me like that without feeling the same as I do.

“I thought you only wanted my answers”, I remind him.

It’s not that my body works as the silence itself, but it still has its own will.

Which may or may not differ from mine.

“And are you gonna give me one, or should I wait till you text me again?”.

He is going to use everything I’ve done against me. Sadly for me, I don’t have a lot to fight against him with.

“I said I’m not mad”, I repeat. “What more do you want me to say?”.

As I notice we are face to face, I don’t even remember when I ended up turning myself completely to him. All I know is that I try to go back to normal, reaching for my body gel, as he stops me right away. His hand on my wrists feels tough but also gentle. And my stupefaction is so strong I can’t barely move again. 

“I want you to tell me the truth”, he says. “I want you to tell me if you really wanted me to blow you on Saturday. If you were and are really fine with that”.

As he asks me, I feel the horrible and cruel sensation of how annoying I can be. Not him, but me. To the point in which not only my friends, but also who was involved in this, all think I really was forced to do so. Am I really this… cold? Do I make it that hard for anyone to understand what goes on inside my head?

“You don’t even know so yourself ”, my inner voice says again. “How do you expect them to know if you don’t say so to them? ”.

“Yes”, I reply to Kuroo. “I wanted”. I want. I still want when I travel back in time and find myself with him pressing me against the wall.

Fuck, I want now, as he stays close to me in this huge shower that, all of a sudden, feels so small around us. I can’t move. I can’t step back nor away. And the worst thing is that I don’t want to, either. Not at all.

“Were you thinking of me?”, he asks. The deep tone of his voice brings a lustful aura to our company, but I can still hear his worry behind all horniness. “Was it me, or was…?”.

“It was you”, I say. Come on, of course it was him. “Why? Would you be jealous if I had said no?”.

I don’t know why I try to protect myself from a nonexistent attack, but I do.

“No”. There is no lie in his answer. “But it would be painful to me knowing you used me to forget someone else”. 

To forget Tadashi. Whom, obviously, I did not. Whom, also, didn’t come to mind while I was getting blown by him, and if he did, I don’t even remember so. No. I didn’t do it because of Tadashi. I did it just because I wanted him. I wanted Kuroo to blow me, and I wanted to feel him just like that.

“But I’m glad it wasn’t the case”, he adds. “That you did it because you desired me, even if I’m not the only one you desire”.

He could mean Akaashi or Bokuto, since it wouldn’t be the first time he mentions how into them I am. But this is not the case. I know he means Tadashi. It’s always been about him, to my disgrace, because it’s what I feel for him what’s stopping me from freeing all my emotions to the world. To myself, so I can finally understand why I’m so obsessed with this guy in front of me, who never got my attention until a month ago.

“I did”. My voice is barely noticeable at the moment, and my expression must be rudder than I’m aware of. “It doesn’t mean I do anymore”.

The right corner of Kuroo’s mouth attempts a cocky grin that makes me tremble. Since he is still grabbing my wrist, I’m aware he notices my reaction, and I hate it. Still, I keep my cool as much as I can. While the water keeps running, I don’t know if it’s its heat or mine what keeps me warm anymore.

“Again, are you sure about that?”.

As he let go of my hand, he walks slowly to my back. As I turn trying to expose his intentions, I get myself caught in between the shower and himself. Standing behind, he reaches for the body gel on his own and brings it back. I’m petrified staring at the white walls, so I don’t feel brave enough to see how is he going to bathe himself so close to me.

If that were the case, which is not.

I have no idea where the bottle goes when he places it down below, but both his hands end up on my shoulders, not his, making my body tremble in response. Without blinking, I can’t stop him when he starts washing all over my skin. Next to my neck, over my collarbones and my upper back. When I try to bite my lip, it’s too late; my jaw has dropped not a lot, but enough for me to not reach my own skin with my teeth.

The feeling doesn’t get lighter when I feel his breath on my right ear.

“Then, this is fine, isn’t it?”, he mocks me. “You feel nothing from me touching you”.

I could try to point out every thing I’m feeling right now, and still I would know not enough words to do so. As I fist my hands, I try to stop me from hating him. Even if I want to, right now that emotion is no strong enough for me to listen to it. There are plenty of others that are requesting my attention right now. And none of them are approved by any moral law.

Nothing that is happening between us is even understandable anymore.

“If you only wanted me on Saturday”, he continues, “it means you want me no more”. That’s what I tried to say, even if I’m clearly lying. I knew when I spoke, but now there is no way I can even hide it from him. 

My body’s response to his touch is tense but also shivery. Water is not harsh enough over my skin to stop me from chickening. Even if my spine stays straight, my legs betray me when they start shaking as pure jelly, and the first part of my body to surrender is my neck. I let my head fall back for the slightest second, but it’s enough for Kuroo to get closer. The heat of his chest, the warmth of his breath embrace me against the lack of protection from the water. His hands are still running all over me, and whenever they come to my neck and caress my jawline, I let go of a strong sigh of desperation.

I’m too weak to push him back. I’m too fragile to try to make me believe I don’t want this at all, by any chance.

“But, the truth is”, he says, “I want you”. My stomach hardens as if it would be ready to get a punch. “God, I want you so bad”, he says while letting go a soft giggle. He sounds so turned on it’s hard for me to not feel the exact same. “It’s been so fucking long since I wanted someone that much, Moonshine”. I don’t even mind the nicknames anymore. I know he’s talking about me, whoever he wants to call me, and every muscle of my body reacts to him saying so. But it’s my dick the one I wish it would not. “Do you want to know what was I doing yesterday when you texted me? You don’t desire me at all, so it should be fine for you to listen, right?”.

It’s just now that I notice my eyes are closed, and I do so because I’m starting to picture him talking while his hair is wet and down, his chest is bare and slippery, and his eyes are hungry and in need. As his breath gets heavier when trying to sleep, I wonder if his vision is looking for something or if he is just thinking of me. 

For some stupid reason, I want that. I just want him to have me in mind, and nothing else. Because as his hands make me his, I don’t want them to go anywhere else but me.

“Fuck, Moonshine, you turned me on so much”, he tells me. His voice is chuckling again, and it’s so close to me I already know his chest is about to press against my back. When his hands follow my arms to the south and then get inside to my waist, I just prepare myself for when he will bring me back. “You made me cum so fucking much”.

I feel his pecs on my shoulder blades, his abs on my lumbar, and his erection on my ass.

Just by the mere thought of this last thing, I feel dizzy. 

“I didn’t do anything”. My words come out as if they would be alive, and I would be dead. I don’t decide what to say, but I know they are not wrong.

I’m just paranoid. Scared of what he makes me feel, and what I make him feel too.

“Well”, he giggles, “I think you did”. His soapy hands wrap over my waist till he hugs me. His forehead rests against my shoulder, and stays there even when he uncrosses his arms by scratching my skin on their way out. “You do, all the time, even if you don’t notice”. I do, or perhaps I do not. I’m not sure anymore. “But it’s okay, because you don’t want me”. When his nails run over my thigs’ outsides, I notice how my knees are close to bring me down. “You don’t want me at all”.

A dry groan escapes from my throat the moment his hands move forth and press on my crotch, but barely caress my cock nor sac. I feel how my hard on throbs, how my balls come up in response to a clear stimulation. 

As he stays resting on my shoulder, I bring my head back and I do the exact same on his.

But he doesn’t torture me anymore. The second after I decide this is want I want, he grabs me by the hips and turns me slowly to face him. My private fantasy flies away as reality becomes my everything. Both with our eyes open, we stare at each other as our chests go up and down while breathing desperately. 

I can’t come to think how my erection presses against his. I don’t want to analyze how his hands are now grabbing me by the waist. 

All that comes to mind is how much I fucking want him right now. How I want him to turn me back to face the wall, and how deep I want to feel him.

All I know is I want to kiss him, so fucking badly. But, at the same time, that’s the only thing that when I picture myself doing, is strong enough to make my heart ache.

“I wish you wanted me, Tsukishima”, he mocks me, because he totally knows I’m full down for him right now. “I wish you wanted me just as much as you did on Saturday, because I promise that not even that would be enough to fight against how much I want you”.

His forehead rests against mine as I try to find an excuse to lie to my brain when it tells me the heartache is justified. There is nothing wrong in kissing him. In moving my hands, also, so I can grab him too. In getting closer, so the touch of our bodies can turn us on even more. Just so I can understand what he means when he says what I feel is not enough. That, still, he wants me even more.

“How is that possible ”, I ask myself. “How can he want me that much, I’m losing my mind and right now I’m his, from head to toes ”.

When he brings his mouth close to mind, my lips separate slowly but barely appreciable. On the other hand, his turn into a smirk, playful and naughty, but also weak. He pushes back, and my forbidden but desired kiss dies like this.

“I will keep wishing, though”, he warns me. “I will keep tossing coins to the well, till perhaps one gives me what I want”.

But it won’t be today, because today, he lets go of me and goes away from the showers. I remain alone, I don’t know for how long. When I do, the water is not even running anymore, and even if I still attempt with washing myself, there is only one part of my body that gets my attention till I’m both physically and mentally done. 

***

Everything hurts when I get to the HQ University exit gates. I rarely use them; we have a fastest access next to Karasuno, but today I’m meeting Tadashi here, not there. Which is annoying, considering that the long walk till here has destroyed my sore legs.

I hate Bokuto and Akaashi training sessions. I hate Kuroo too, but because of something else that has nothing to do with volley.

Still, I feel relaxed. Physically at least, like after a long and well needed massage. I suppose that will be enough for me to sleep tightly today. And since it’s the first time Tadashi is going to be with me since Monday, I suppose I need that help.

I can’t say no to some support like that.

When I see him coming, I force myself to smile from afar so he knows we are fine. Not that we fought or anything last time we met, but tension has been there since then. Like it’s been for the last few months. The never ending story that people think started when we went on holidays with Tobio and Shoyo but that, actually, has been like this for longer I can imagine. And also longer than I can think of.

He waves his gloved hand to me as he gets closer. I don’t let go of that detail.

“It’s mid October, Tadashi”, I say. “What will you do in January?”.

“Use two pair of gloves”. Wouldn’t be the first time, so I’m not surprised.

What catches me off guard is that he gets closer for a hug. I accept, but I don’t know how to feel about it, because it’s so unexpected. I think he notices too when he pulls back, but says nothing about it. We barely show affection in public, so that’s a bit of a strange salute.

“Sorry for being late; Hitoka is still pretty sick”.

“Not feeling better?”.

He hasn’t slept at our room because his best friend is on her period and this month is being pretty awful. Therefore, he has moved in with her for a few days to help her with daily chores, since she doesn’t have a roommate. I expected her to be feeling better, since he told me he was coming back to the room tonight.

“I mean, yeah”, he says, shrugging a bit, “she can walk and everything already, but still feels quite dizzy”.

“Are you sure you want to leave her alone?”, I ask as we start walking. “She will blame me if she falls or something, you know that”.

He bursts the softest laugh. My stomach trembles in response. Sometimes it’s hard for me to find a most perfect sound.

“But that’s not my problem; you can deal with her”.

“Well, thanks”, I joke. And he kicks me with his elbow. “It’s exactly what I need; she to hate me even more”.

“She doesn’t hate you. It’s just… Well, she blames you for every disgrace”.

“Ah, well, that’s not that bad, yeah”.

Again, he laughs. Damn, it’s going way too good. I fear the moment in which I will say something annoying that will bring him down as usual. Or the second in which he will make a comment that will make me think what I should not. 

That’s a horrible sensation, the one of meeting with someone to whom you already know you are going to hurt somehow.

“So, have you checked the links I sent?”, he says. “I chose some cheap ones, but that have good reviews”. He means the heaters.

“Yeah, but I didn’t pick any. I let you do so”. His brows rise a bit. “You are the snowman in the room, Tadashi. I don’t need a heater in October”.

“Okay, okay, I will choose”.

He brings his hands into his pockets and, for some stupid reason, I stop me from bringing one out to hold it. I’ve been doing this for years, and I still don’t understand why I forbid myself from feeling him, other than because of the fear of the moment in which I won’t anymore. I suppose it’s like kissing Kuroo; there are things that I allow myself to do with Tadashi, but others are way too intimate for me to try.

We can fuck, we can kiss. But if I hold his hand, I’m a dead man, apparently.

“I’ve missed our bed, to be honest”, he says, then. “Hitoka moves too much, especially when she is sick. And she sobs nonstop”.

“It reminds me of someone”.

He stops walking a few meters before reaching the bus stop and stares at me in deep pain. A funny one, since he is blushing.

“Are you saying I sob, Tsukishima?”. Oh, my surname. This is fun.

“Do I have to remind you how you acted the last time you had stomach ache?”

He vomited three times that night, and couldn’t find a posture in bed that wasn’t painful. Therefore, I had to stay awake all night in case he needed help. He used me as a pillow, also a huge triceratops plushie we had on the shelves, a pile of blankets, a few cushions and a messy towel. All, but the pillows we have.

And still, he didn’t manage to sleep a single minute. I didn’t either.

“But I didn’t sob”, he clarifies. “I cried right away”.

Which is true. My bad.

“Yeah, you did”. I agree with his statement. “I’ve never used that many tissues to wash off your tears, not even when you have a cold”.

He is pretty physically messy when he is ill, but I confess he is also really cute.

The worst thing is that he knows that I think so of him. 

“You never complained”, he points out as he gets closer. It may be so he can reach the bus stop as I’ve done, but he only stays next to me. Close, too close. And suddenly I also feel the cold of autumn, but not because it gets to my bones, but because his warmth erases it. 

“No, I never did”. I could never, if him being okay is what has been forcing every single one of my decisions for the past fifteen years. “I like to take care of you”. 

The darkness of the streets at this late hours is enough to bring the streetlamps light to shine right in his eyes. They look bigger like this, when usually his iris seem quite small. I know how bright they usually are. I could even count his lashes, if I tried.

“I like when you take care of me”, he admits, somehow shy. “You are a better doctor than I am”. I try not to laugh. “Even Hitoka would say that”.

“Let’s not talk about her opinion on us for anything, okay?”, I suggest. “Otherwise, I will start thinking that I’m indeed a demon”.

She always makes comments like that, joking of course, but sometimes quite sincere. And since it’s because of what I do or don’t do with Tadashi, I really prefer to not bring that into our conversation right now. I appreciate our friend, but she is of no help when it comes to me dealing with our relationship.

To be honest, I doubt she is for Tadashi, either.

If he ever decides to believe I’m a demon, then I will be destroyed. As much as I count with him moving on and stop loving me as he do, him doing so out of hate would kill me.

So, I’m glad when he smiles and shakes his head, even if the move is shy and short.

“Don’t do it”, he says. “Don’t let her fool you”.

I try. The longer we stay close to each other, knowing that it won’t last, the more I try to convince myself that I won’t hurt him. But sometimes it’s not easy to believe in myself with that. Today, for example, I’m trying to remember how much I love him, which I’m sure I do, while my encounter with Kuroo still remains present on the back of my mind, without me being able to explain it yet.

Can they both coexist in a heart made of glass, or will they be too heavy for it? Will it break if they keep growing, or will I explode, as whole?

Since I’m scared of the outcome, I decide to get closer to Tadashi and kiss him so I forget. Just like on Saturday, I give myself to what makes me fear, but also what helps me push said fears away. Kuroo and Tadashi are nothing alike, but they make me scared just as much, while they also ease all the pain away. So far, I’m dealing with one of them way better than the other, but also, said one has been around for such a short time in comparison. 

When I stop the kiss, Tadashi is taking a deep breath I know is full of hope. As always, I hate for lying to myself as much as I lie to him, even if that’s never my intention. 

Just as the bus comes, he opens his eyes and walks to the door. I go after him.

“How was today’s training, by the way?”, he asks me as we get in. “Were you able to play with both teams?”. I told him about me meeting with Bokuto and Akaashi, and he already knew about Tobio and Shoyo too.

“I’m tired as hell”, I say. “But I suppose that’s okay”.

Just like feeling like I do, I guess what at first seems painful, at some point will be good.

“If not, I will take care of you”, Tadashi jokes.

As he winks an eye at me, his attitude puts a smile on my face that remains there even after I sit next to him. So far, I don’t worry about how long will it stay. Since it’s here, I will take it as it is, and enjoy said time while it lasts.

Chapter Text

BOKUTO

I know people usually love Fridays, no matter what. To me, the last day of the working week is always a mystery. It can be just a regular first-day-of-the-weekend to me, or just a neverending torture. Basically, it depends on my job, but sometimes even classes can be a real pain in the ass. If they don’t go as expected, I may need to stay in the lab on Saturday or even Sunday too. And that… nope, it’s not cool. Not at all.

But today is not the day. I’m over with my duties, and I’m hanging the robe on the rack at the office knowing I won’t wear it again till Monday. And even if the realization of this is usually painful enough, it’s still hopeful, if we think of what day it will be.

“You better tell him I’m mad”, I say to Kuroo as I get ready to leave. He is staying a bit longer, so he can skip coming on Sunday.

Or that he says, because we all know he may end up passing by anyway.

“Can’t you do so yourself?”, he jokes from behind his desk. “He takes you seriously”.

That’s the most stupid thing I’ve heard.

“Kenma? Seriously? Me?”. He is holding his chuckle back. “Sure, my love”.

“I will tell him”. Good, that’s all I wanted. “But that won’t change the fact that he won’t come to the Halloween party, and you know it”.

Next week is the most important week of the year. Halloween is here! And HQ University hosts a party on Friday night, since it’s the night of the dead. We usually assist, we love to dress up and normally we meet with people we usually can’t catch up with as much as we want. Plus, we are all wearing scary outfits. Or we try, at least.

I perhaps don’t take the scary part of it very seriously, but I always attend the event. So does Keiji, and also Kuroo. But, apparently, Kenma is always busy for this night. And that’s annoying, because I think I see some old mates I don’t study with anymore more than what I see him, and he is supposed to be like my best friend.

“If you tell him I was crying, perhaps…”, I say.

Kuroo sighs as he smiles to me. He can’t complain; he sees him whenever he wants.

“He has a charity stream, man”. True, but I don’t care. “That matters more to him than partying, you know that”.

I’m aware, because I normally participate on his charity streams, especially the Halloween ones since he plays horror games and I love those. But that’s because Halloween itself and the party that’s hosted in HQ University are never the same day. The celebration is usually on Friday or Saturday, but only this year, as far as I can remember, both things have coincided on time. So, for the first time in forever, we are actually celebrating the coolest night of the year on its formal date.

Which means, sadly, that I can’t play with Kenma, because his live stream goes on all day and I still have classes on Friday morning.

But I will play it on the background just as Kuroo does. At least he will get my support.

“Anyway…”, I sigh out of sadness. “Have a good rest of the day, bestie”.

I hear him giggle as I turn to leave.

“You too, cutie”.

We normally don’t call each other names, but he considers bestie one, so whenever I tell him that, he jokes to me. Not that I’m not his bestie, of course I am, but, damn it, man, can’t he share some love back? I also like to feel adored! It’s not fair my boyfriend always gets all his affection. I’m gonna start being jealous of both Kenma and Keiji!

Whatever. I leave him behind and go out to a sunny yet cold afternoon. My breath comes out freezing as I start walking around towards History campus. Keiji should be done with his classes today soon, too, so I want to surprise him with my presence (which is always a nice surprise, I guess) and take him out for dinner. He had a rough week, full of projects and even an exam he didn’t expect to have. So I want to spoil him a bit, a nice dinner and some fancy drinks afterward may be a good plan.

But I’m afraid I still have to wait. Because once I get to his building, I see some of his mates but not thim. And the class is still closed, so I’m afraid they are still busy.

I don’t mind waiting. The truth is, though, I’m thirsty. Since I wanted to get rid of my work for the weekend, I rushed my last hour at the office and didn’t stop, not even for drinking. Plus, Kuroo calling me out for waiting till the last minute to do so was annoying me to the point I started sweating out of fear. Sometimes I think he will kill me, and I suppose he would have the right to do so.

Anyway, I go to one of the vending machines on the closest corridor to get a can of soda. Sugar will be good to my brain, too, since I’m pretty tired today. 

As I take the first sip on my way to Keiji’s door, I see some of his mates have already leave, and some others just came out. One of them is interesting enough to me, so I put a smile on my face as I approach the blondie that hasn’t notice I’m here.

“Howdy!”, I sing to Tsukki’s ear as I get to him. The poor guy was trying to fold some papers on a binder, and I almost make them all fall to the ground. I catch most of them before they leave his hands, so everything is fixed right at the start. “Sorry”.

“Damn, man”. Even his glasses have fall down through his nose bridge. He presses them up again. “We are serious people here, you know?”.

“Oh my God, is that a diplodocus?”. I’ve just noticed his binder has a huge sticker on the back of a diplodocus wearing a beanie. He tries to cover it pretty quick, but it’s too late.

“Yeah”, he mutters. “Which is a real serious matter, to be honest”.

“Of course”. I agree. Who would think otherwise?. “I suppose Keiji is still busy”.

“Yes. His group was the last one doing the presentation, so they are still waiting for the teacher’s final assessment”. Knowing how nervous my boyfriend can get, I just hope he is doing fine there. “He did great, so, don’t worry”.

“How is that you two didn’t team up?”.

“We didn’t choose the group, to our disgrace”.

That can mean both that they wanted to be paired together, or that the ones who were paired with them actually suck. I get it; Kuroo and I have been teaming up from the beginning, in our case it’s never an option to be with someone else, because even teachers take very seriously that we work with someone we know can be a good mate to our necessities. So, I can’t say I feel them, but I do know the pain.

I’ve been seeing Keiji complain about not working with Tsukki as much as he wanted for the last six years. It’s exciting to finally see Tsukki be mad about it, too.

“I bet you did great anyway”, I hit him with my elbow on the ribs.

He shrugs, but doesn’t deny. Which means he indeed did great. That makes me smile. And the grin doesn’t disappear not even when I take another sip to my soda.

“How was your day?”, he asks me. “I know I didn’t reply to you last night, but I didn’t get a minute to pick up my phone today, so I couldn’t ask you either”.

“No worries, man”. Actually, it’s fine. I had a good time chatting with him before going to bed, even if the topic was way too tedious. I don’t usually expect to discuss the usage of private jets after dinner, especially if said discussion lasts over an hour even if we share the same opinion. “I’m glad we are talking now, you know?”, I say. “I always thought you really didn’t like me”.

He bursts out a strange groan, I don’t know if he laughed or if he just got pissed at my comment. He seems surprised, though, as if my words were just mere nonsense. Which could be, actually.

“ He really likes you ”, I remember Keiji telling me for the past six years. “ Like, physically. I know he does. He stares at you for hours whenever you are around ”.

Okay, perhaps he felt attracted to me, but that’s not what I’m talking about now. I’m aware of the idea people get of me when they see me, especially if they know Keiji before they do know me: I’m a classic himbo. Bigger than the rest, stronger even if I’m pretty skinny compared to any gym bro known to man, and apparently quite careless. The truth is, Kuroo is bigger than me in height, and our bodies don’t look that different, since we’ve been always exercising together. Plus, I only look irresponsible or even dumb because Keiji is usually pretty serious or too professional. Therefore, people usually get surprised when they discover I’m actually a very respected physicist.

And instead of getting offended by the previous (and wrong) judgment of myself, I’m just glad some of those who construct an opinion previewly to know me instead learn enough about me to change their minds. It’s not that I think being always optimistic is bad at all, and I don’t really mind if they think I’m way too cheerful, but assuming I’m childish just based on that has made me face quite a few of stupid encounters. 

Thankfully, none of them were with Tsukki. Even if he did think I was said himbo back in the day and we never got the chance to really talk to each other deeply, I know he changed his mind about me after seeing me next to Keiji on a daily basis. He was quite fond of my boyfriend to basically assume someone like him wouldn’t date a guy who would not take care of him as he deserves.

I like to think my love for him is the biggest proof of maturity I can show to the world. Even if, sometimes, I’m aware of how insane this can also be.

“I didn’t talk with Keiji that much, either”, he adds. Which is sadly true; Tsukki was the real mystery for all of us, until this year. “And you know how I feel about him”.

To be honest, I wish I knew more. Keiji too. I think we all agree that we would love him to be more direct to us than what he is at the moment. But, we also know he needs time. And, after six years, we have plenty of it to give him.

Even if once this year is over, we may not see each other ever again.

“How are you feeling, by the way?”, I ask him. “Still suffocated?”.

“About what, from all the possibilities?”. At least he knows he can’t hide.

“Whatever that makes you feel uneasy”. Which I know it can be a lot.

He confirms so with a soft yet long sigh. We are arm to arm, so I bring my further hand to shake him as a caring touch. 

“Little by little, I suppose”, he says. “Tadashi is back in the room, and we seem fine”.

“Seem?”. His usage of words always catches my attention. “You are not sure?”.

“I mean, we usually are fine”. Again, he says usually, a curious word to apply to the conversation.  “But, at the same time, we are never okay”. Now I know needs way more support than what I can offer with a mere shake, so I rest my head on his shoulder and pout. He takes a deep breath. Plus, his gaze is lost somewhere in between the door in front and the benches next to it. “We haven’t fought nor talk about what happened anymore. So, I suppose it will be fine while we avoid the elephant in the room”.

“Perhaps doing so it’s not ideal”, I comment. “The longer you wait, the harder it will get to fix it once it’s said”.

“I suppose, but it’s not that I have anything to say anyway”. 

I know what he means. I disagree, too, but that’s not a fact, only an opinion.

“Do you wanna talk about that?”, I ask.

He turns his face to me, somehow frowning. Yes, he is already tired of Keiji and I asking him how is he doing, but so far we were talking about last weekend. With a new one ahead, and Yamaguchi back in the room with him, I know there must be something he wants to bring out of his chest.

I, indeed , know there is, and it takes him only half a minute to notice.

“He told you”, he concludes. 

It doesn’t matter if I smile, he is already groaning in anger. 

“He’s my best friend, Tsukki. Of course he was gonna tell me”. 

He can’t blame Kuroo for sharing his experience with me. He also needs advice, even if that’s surprising enough already. Because, how is that Mister Flirting needs some guidance from a man who is happily in love with just one person at a time?!

“Well, because perhaps I don’t want anyone to know”. 

Okay, fair enough, that’s a point. But how does someone look for help about a certain topic if they can’t bring the protagonist of said topic into the conversation? Yes, Kuroo could have said it was someone else… But, come on, we all know it’s Tsukki.

It’s been all about them two for the past few weeks. How is Tsukki even still trying to hide what happens from us?

“Why so?”, I ask him. “Are you embarrassed?”.

“Yes”. The answer comes out pretty fast. It shocks me, even. “I mean, not… It’s not embarrassment itself, but. Yeah, perhaps it is”. He’s not sure about how he feels about it, I’m afraid. “God, why did he have to tell you?”.

He slides against the wall till he reaches the floor. Too overdramatic, I think, but I join him pretty fast so he doesn’t feel alone. I leave my soda can on the side, right before taking another sip. His head rests against the wall as mine stays turned towards him. I pay attention to every move from his body, from the constant patting of his right food, to how strong the grip of his hands on his jeans are. Also his forehead, still wrinkled in agony. Or his nervous eyes, flying around with no stop.

I feel bad for him, really. Loving or liking someone is such a magnificent experience, but I know it only feels like that when it’s not only welcomed but reciprocated. So far, I think the second part is done between him and Kuroo, but also with Tadashi. The first, one, though… I’ve never met someone that rejects emotions as much as he does.

Better said, I’ve never met someone so scared of loving as he is.

“You will hate me for this”, I say, “but I think what happened was pretty neat”. He doesn’t need to turn his face towards me; his mare glance of hate is enough. Still, I smile because I find him cute being so nervous. “Hey, really, why are you so afraid of it?”.

“Because I don’t do those things”.

“Which things? Getting horny in the shower?”.

“Oh, God, shut up”. He brings his head down by pressing with both hands against his nape. I decide to palm his shoulders to show support, but I can’t do so without laughing.

He really is embarrassed, damn it.

“I don’t mean that ”, he clarifies.

“Then? What is it?”.

I already know, but I want him to open himself with me. He does with Keiji, sometimes. But that’s something my boyfriend shares only if he considers it’s not too intrusive with Tsukki. Which is totally different from Kuroo telling me about their encounter on Wednesday evening, by the way. He was involved in it, so he could share his experience with me. Which, surprisingly, it’s not that far away from Tsukki’s. 

But I still need to know at which point.

“Just, everything else, Bokuto”. He is really anxious. “Letting someone I’ve just met get me off. Flirting with them. Meeting with them in the shower and…”. He shakes his head and then closes his eyes. “God, I don’t even know what’s happening. I don’t know why am I feeling like this, all of a sudden”.

“Liking someone works like that, Tsukki: it comes like a warm blizzard, you don’t expect it and you totally can’t be ready for it. We don’t prepare ourselves to love, you know?”.

“I don’t love Kuroo, man”, he corrects me. “I don’t even know when his birthday is”.

“But you like him”. To that, he says nothing to deny. “And it’s on November seventeenth, by the way”. He stares at me quite angry. I just shrug. “In case you wanted to…”

“I know we don’t prepare ourselves to like someone”, he ignores me to keep talking. “But, in my case, I’ve been rejecting these kinds of things for so long, I don’t understand why it happens to me”.

“Can I ask you something?”. I bend my knees as he has done before. I suppose I can go on. “Why is it that bad? Why are you so disgusted of feeling… at all?”.

“Because I have no time for this”.

“Man, you are not even twenty five”. It shocks me he already talks like my grandpa. “And you’ve been saying the same since you were a teen. That’s not healthy”.

“If you mean Tadashi, he knows what I can do or don’t since…”.

“I meant with yourself”. He avoids my eyes. “Tsukki, if you don’t allow yourself to feel, how do you expect to live at all?”. The door in front of us is the only thing he stares at. But I know he listens. He can’t avoid me. “Even the most painful emotions help us grow and become who we are. Don’t lie to yourself saying you can stop your heart from liking something or someone. We are full of feelings. Everything, every single second of our lives, force us to feel something, it doesn’t matter what”. He hates that I give him the talk, but I regret nothing. “I can’t believe you accept stress, professional pressure or hate but you can’t accept something as beautiful as love. Even when you are not loved back, it’s still…”.

“Stress is actually not an emotion”, he cuts me off. “It’s a status that comes from…”.

“Being in love isn’t, either”, I fight back. “Happiness is produced by endorphins, so, if we start talking scientifically, you know I can beat you”. He groans, because he knows I’m right. “What I’m trying to say is that, even when it’s something that you can stop, you prefer to let bad things stay with you instead of good”.

“You don’t know me that much”.

“And still, all I’ve seen from you is that you push back love but accept pain”.

“Can you just stop using that word?”. He is starting to feel more anxious. His voice has gotten heavier, too, so I try to be more gentle.

“Which one from all?”.

“Love. Liking. I don’t know”.

“But why? Why are you so scared of it?”. It really pisses me off seeing someone so blind to their own emotions. And not only to that, but also to the obvious proof that they do enjoy having them. “Why do you fear liking Kuroo, Keiji, Tadashi or whoever? Why do you fear love so much?”.

“Because I can’t give it back”. I don’t know if I hear his voice cracking or if it’s just my own agony. So far, I know being sat is’s not helping any of us. Standing would allow us to move, to let the pressure flow. Like this, it’s as if he would be protecting himself from exploding against the world. From opening himself too much to me. “I can’t like back, I can’t love back”, he insists. “Even if I do, even if I like Kuroo or you guys, even if I love Tadashi to death, for fuck’s sake, I can’t… I can’t give anyone what’s expected from me feeling those things. I can’t even give myself what I want”.

That last point is the one that hits me harder. I decide to push myself away from the wall, and sit facing him directly. He can avoid me all he wants, I don’t need to look him in the eye to know what goes on his mind right now.

“Do you really think you don’t deserve it, Tsukki?”, I say. “You’ve been rejecting Tadashi for most of your life, just because you are sure the future won’t let you both stay together. But you could have been together for fifteen years already. Man, you have been together, even if you haven’t tagged yourself as such”. That’s painful, I know, so I understand why his chest inflates like that. I’m thankful he doesn’t tell me to fuck off. “Maybe you are right or may you are not. It’s possible you both go separate ways next year, but won't you regret not knowing how it is to be with him? Don’t you hate yourself already for all the times you could have told him you love him and decided to call him friend instead?”.

Of course, I don’t expect him to answer. And I don’t push any harder, because I’m aware that his eyes don’t normally shine that much. As beautiful as he is, sadness don’t look good on him. I would hate myself if I made him cry, to be honest. And Keiji would kill me.

I don’t want to think what Kuroo would do to me if he knew about it, either.

To stop the possibility, I look for my soda can and show it to him. That he can look, and he does. While he stares, I tear off the ring-pull completely. Then, I place it in front of us.

He is confused as fuck.

“You see this?”. He nods. Okay, I haven’t turned him blind. “I’ve been using these for at least six years. Since Keiji started college, I think”.

“Using them?”.

“Yeah”.

“For what?”.

“For asking him to marry me”. He doesn’t expect that, and I guess it’s fair. “Every time I’m with him, it doesn’t matter if we are studying, talking a walk, just resting at Fukurodani, or even if I’m away from home and I think of him while I drink from one. I use them, I place them on his finger, even if obviously it doesn’t fit completely. Sometimes I propose, I ask him if he wants to marry me. Other times I just remind him that we will, no need of a question”. He is slowly flushing. “Do you wanna know something funnier?”. It takes him longer to nod this time. “Even if he said yes every time, even if he keeps all of these saved at home, we are not even engaged yet. Not officially”. 

“Yeah”, he says, “that I know”. Because Keiji told him so. “Why, though? He never explained what are you guys waiting for”.

And I’m afraid I won’t do it now, either.

“Because I’ve failed him twice already”. Tsukki frowns. “I made a promise, a few years ago, and I said that, if I kept it, we would get married”. Just the memory is enough to disturb my own strength. “And I didn’t. I failed him twice in a row, so I don’t deserve to be called his husband. Not at all”.

“Isn’t that a bit dramatic?”.

I bring my soda and fake ring down.

“Are you talking to me about drama, Tsukishima?”.

He’s all flushed now. Damn, red looks good on his cheeks, it makes him look more human. More approachable, and that’s something I really like.

“Fair enough”, he says. “But, then, why is it? Why you ask him if it’s not serious?”.

“Well, it’s serious to me. To us”. That’s the difference, I guess. “Just because I’m still working on it, doesn’t mean the process doesn’t matter. I love him, Tsukki. I love Keiji with my whole life, and I swear I would place a thousand ring-pulls in his finger just to show him”.

“But still, you failed him”. He is clever at using that. I was prepared, though.

“And, still” I quote him, “that hasn’t stopped me from loving him even more”. He takes another deep breath. “What I try to say, Tsukki, is that, even if right now I don’t deserve him, I still make him know almost every day that I still want to. That I still work and fight with myself and my mistakes to prove to him that loving him is what I, indeed, love the most in the world”. He is back at avoiding me. “I’m scared of failing again, man. Of hurting him, of making him think I’m not worth the wait. And loving him as much as I do, the idea of us not being together is a real nightmare to me. But”, I hit him slowly, so he looks up. I wait till he does. “But I don’t reject loving him just in case it doesn’t work out, you know? I embrace the love, I embrace it all”. 

I spread my arms and stare up as if I was some kind of theatrical actor, to what he curves his brows in rejection. I’m far from being ashamed. Loving is what I love the most int he world, how could I stop me from doing so, if fears are not even close enough to be as strong as my dreams and hopes?

“So you should do the same, Tsukki”, I say. “Take me as an example, and let yourself…”

I shut up right when a foot hits me on the back. As I turn around, I see Keiji, all serious but with shiny eyes, trying to act as a grown ass man, but actually being a tiny boy.

“Enough”, he says. He sounds as broken as he looks. “No more romanticism for today”.

As happy as I am to see him, I stand up to hug him tightly.

“Babe!”. He palms my back, but refuses to wrap me too. “I’ve missed you, how are you?”. When I pull back, he is still trying to hide that he wants to cry. Aw, silly owl, for how long was he behind me? Did he hear everything I said? Not that I’m ashamed of that, either; I usually tell him every day. “Look, I’ve saved it for you”. I show him the ring-pull. “Will you marry me one day, Keiji Akaashi?”.

He takes it away from me with a pretty rough gesture. Still, I find it cute. Just as the small trembling from his lower lip, or the fact that he is still looking down.

“Yeah”, he mutters. Then, he places the fake ring on his finger. “But leave Kei alone”, he says. “He is gonna believe he has to propose to Tadashi or Tesso, after all”.

“Please, no”, he says, standing up too. “At least to Kuroo, please. No”.

“Oh, come on”, I complain. I try to cross my arms, but Keiji has grabbed my right one and doesn’t let go. “He’s the best man. And you know it already”.

Our friend acts pretty surprised.

“Well, I admit he is not the jerk I thought he was, but saying he is the best man I think may be going too far, don’t you think?”. 

“He’s ideal for you, Tsukki”, Keiji says, still pretty shy. “And I say so myself, so you know I’m being serious”. Because they both have this silly fight of who will get Tsukki first. 

And I say it’s silly because Keiji is not even fighting on it. Like, okay, he did for six years, but Kuroo needed only a month to make him go crazy already. I’m sorry for my boyfriend, but he’s out of the race, at least to win his heart that way.

“Could you just stop talking about him for a second?”, he says. “I had enough of him; don’t you think?”.

“Well, so far he told me you didn’t end up what you both started the other day”, I add. “So perhaps you haven’t had enough yet”.

He bites his lower lip with so much pressure I see how it turns white. Oh, shit, that was too much, wasn’t it? Even Keiji is pulling my arm down to warn me. 

Ah, boy, why are they so stupid? Why can’t they just kiss and fuck and move on?

“Wasn’t he worried about it?”, Tsukki asks, to which I nod. “Why are you making fun of your friend, then? Shouldn’t you be talking about this with a bit more love ?”, he mocks me. “Maybe you are hurting his feelings by not taking it seriously”. 

“I mean, he is worried because he likes you a lot and you seem to be unsure of you liking him back, that’s all”. His eyes open wider. “I mean, that you knew, right? That he likes you. He told you, he said he told you. He told you, right? Say he told you”.

“Taro, my love, take a soda sip, please”. Keiji brings the can to my mouth so I can shut up. Then he turns to his friend. “Ignore him, please. What he tries to say is that Tesso’s worries are not as deep as yours. You both talked about what happened on Saturday, and that made him feel relieved. He’s just a bit paranoid because you also seem to want to go further with him, but there is something stopping you, and he fears it’s something he can’t fight against or that is really tormenting from so long to…”.

“Keiji, my love, take a soda sip, please”. I give him the can back so he shut up now.

“And then you guys say emotions are cool”, Tsukki complains. And he is right to do so, I suppose. “Look, it’s fine, okay? I’m just overwhelmed, I’ve never felt something like this for someone that is not Tadashi, so, please, beware while I try to get used to it, okay? If I like to feel it or not, is my business, not yours”.

He starts walking and we go right behind, at a lower pace and holding hands.

“So that means he doesn’t like me?”, Keiji cries me out.

“I like you, Keiji”, Tsukki replies. “One at a time, please”.

But that’s enough for my boy to smile. The childish shyness is gone, and now my kinda pimp boy is back in town. Damn, I love him so much. What if I take another soda so I can…?

“So, any plans for tonight?”, Keiji asks Tsukki.

“Going to Karasuno. Reading a bit. Watching some movie, I guess. Tadashi will be home late, he went dinner with Yachi and the guys”.

“Oh”, I come closer. “Do you wanna come with us?”. I know Keiji won’t mind. Actually, he would love if his friend says yes.

“With you?”.

“Yeah, we’ going for dinner. I’m taking Keiji to a nice restaurant”.

“And why do you want me to go with you?”.

“Because you are our friend”. My boy says. “Come on, it will be fine. We promise we won’t pressure you into loving love anymore”. I take that as a hit, but I accept to let go. 

He sighs as he walks between us. Just like when we were talking, he avoids making contact with any of us, but now because he is acting rough.

“I guess I can go, yeah”. Keiji pauses a bit to jump from behind. I grab him by the hand to bring him back to the front. “Just for dinner”.

“Yes, sure. What else could it be?”, I say.

He stops walking, then, and judges us from afar. We both freeze in time and space.

“Is…? Is he coming too?”.

Okay, so he wasn’t actually judging us, he was just trying to hold his curiosity back.Damn, I should not laugh, but… When I’m trying to hold back, I hear Keiji giggling next to me. 

… And now Tsukki is indeed judging us. 

“Fine, I pass”.

“No, no, no!”, we both say at the same time, and quickly move forward to grab him by the hands and stop him from running away. “Kuroo is not coming”, I say. “He’s going home with Kenma, so you will be fine”.

“And if he decides to show up, I promise you I will send him away”, Keiji says, to what I look at him pretty surprised. He really doesn’t care. “What? We had enough of Tesso already, I want Kei now”.

“Okay”, I accept. “Fair enough”.

So we go out for dinner with our new best friend Kei Tsukishima. I suppose my pressure before was a bit too much for him, and that he still needs time to get used to all those emotions he doesn’t like to feel. So far, he is already going out with new people. He’s facing situationships that are new to him and, even if he doesn’t say it, he is enjoying them.

Now we only need him to like those moments. To embrace, as I do, what Kuroo but also Tadashi or whoever makes him feel. When that happens, perhaps we discover a new side of Kei Tsukishima we still don’t know. I know both Keiji and Kuroo can’t wait to know that part of him. To be fair, I’m so excited about it too.

Chapter Text

TSUKISHIMA

I knew I would regret joining Bokuto and Keiji for dinner, but I didn’t expect to do so the day after, and not while being with them itself. Apparently, at some point during or time together, I gave them permission to create a group chat so we could text there all together. I’m more used to talk with Keiji now, that’s true, and I really enjoy conversations with Bokuto, because he knows when to stop.

But they have added Kuroo. And so far, all I have to deal with is his jealousy.

Comical jealousy, to be honest, but still.

Tetsuro Kuroo

I JUST SAY THAT I HATE YOU ALL [13.27]

YOU DON’T DESERVE ME [13.27]

He’s been using capitals for the last twenty messages. He’s been busy all morning with Kenma’s family business, so he is seeing the group and all we have texted just now.

Keiji Akaashi

Come on, maaaaan. We thought you would like them! [13.28]

We took them thinking of you! [13.28]

Kei

That’s false [13.29]

I didn’t think of you for a single second [13.29]

Kotaro Bokuto

KEI, NO!!! [13.29]

Tetsuro Kuroo

💟 sticker [13.29]

💟 sticker [13.29]

💟 sticker [13.29]

💟 sticker [13.30]

💟 sticker [13.30]

The drama queen has sent five stickers of cats crying. All of this, because Keiji thought it was a good idea to send him all the pictures we took together last night. Yes, those I was forced to appear on, even if I clearly hate photographs. But it was… a good night, to be honest. They are really fond of me, and made me feel relaxed almost the whole dinner. At least till Bokuto started drinking wine, and he began to ask me about Tadashi, Kuroo and even Keiji or himself. My sarcasm was enough to stop him, but the pictures… they were taken, anyway. And I could not stop them.

At the end of the night, when I was on my way to Karasuno, my phone was filled up with notifications from them both posting them on social media. Most of them were about Keiji and myself, and it was his boyfriend the one sharing all. He even decided to tag all of them with the horrendous nick of KeiKei, since both our names start the same. Well, mine is just that, but, we get it. 

So now this stupid group chat I didn’t remember agreeing to is full of pics of us having dinner and taking a drink afterward. They are so clingy, so touchy… I don’t know how I managed to deal with them. Perhaps because they took me out even if I said I would only got to eat. And now this is my punishment.

A jealous Kuroo, because we didn’t invite him. It doesn’t matter that he had plans already. And, of course, it doesn’t matter if I was going to feel comfortable or not.

Keiji Akaashi

You really are dramatic [13.35]

Tetsuro Kuroo

You really are assholes [13.36]

Cute, but assholes after all [13.36]

Keiji Akaashi

Awww, so you like them? 🥰 [13.36]

Kei

I didn’t [13.37]

Tetsuro Kuroo

Well [13.37]

Yeah… [13.37]

I guess… [13.37]

Kotaro Bokuto

Kei :( [13.37]

Keiji Akaashi

Let him be, Taro [13.38]

He won’t ever admit he saved every picture [13.38]

Kei

I downloaded them [13.39]

That’s different [13.39]

Keiji Akaashi

Is it, tho? [13.38]

Kei

Totally [13.39]

Downloading them saves them automatically [13.39]

It’s not my will to do so [13.39]

Keiji Akaashi

And why did you download them? [13.39]

Kei

How do you expect me to see them if I don’t do so? [13.39]

Keiji Akaashi

So you wanted to see them [13.40]

😎 [13.40]

Kotaro Bokuto

Omg baby you so clever 🥺 [13.40]

Keiji Akaashi

💟 sticker [13.40]

That’s a sticker of himself with huge red toy-like sunglasses. Yes.

Tetsuro Kuroo

He wanted to see them because I WASN’T ON THEM!! [13.41]

Kei

Correct, Kuroo [13.41]

Tetsuro Kuroo

That’s how a heart gets broken [13.41]

Trust me I know what I’m talking about [13.41]

Because I’m a scientist with one 💔 [13.41]

I decide to bring down my phone the moment I notice I really want to laugh. Not because I think they are funny, but because this is surreal. Okay, fine, perhaps they are indeed funny, but right now I don’t feel like matching their humor. I had such a horrible night because of the stupid drinks they ordered… And now everything is spinning around me as I try to get done with the day.

Which won’t be easy, considering I have plans for the night. Sadly.

For a second, I’m scared about the possibility of having even more things scheduled for today when my phone vibrates. I’ve muted their group chat, so it can’t be it. But just like it, they may have added me to their Saturday Night and I’m just discovering so. Thankfully, I only see Kuroo’s name on screen. I guess he got tired of me not responding and went for our private chat. God, we haven’t talked since… Well. Before the shower event.

Tetsuro Kuroo

So, I didn’t know you liked Margaritas that much… [13.49]

Kei

I don’t, they are just an easy drink to get over [13.49]

Tetsuro Kuroo

📸 Photo [13.49]

This looks like a huge Margarita, my boy [13.50]

And that’s a picture Bokuto took of me with Keiji when I wasn’t even looking. I have a drink in my hand, almost full. Keiji’s empty.

Kei

That wasn’t a huge Margarita at all [13.50]

And I’m not your boy [13.51]

Tetsuro Kuroo

It took you a whole minute to deny so [13.52]

I suppose you were more sure about the Margarita than about being my boy [13.52]

Interesting [13.53]

Kei

Do physicists travel to the moon? [13.53]

Tetsuro Kuroo

Astronauts go to the moon, not physicists like myself [13.53]

It’s not even my field [13.53]

Why? [13.54]

Kei

Because I think they could send you there anyway [13.55]

I would gladly take you to the space station so you don’t miss the flight [13.55]

Tetsuro Kuroo

There are no flights to the moon, you dino lover [13.56]

But okay I get it [13.57]

I guess Bokuto was right when he told me before you were mad at me [13.57]

Bokuto said that? Why would he…? Oh, okay, I think I know, yes.

I acted pretty defensive when Bokuto told me about how Kuroo talked with him about what we did in the showers, but I really couldn’t take a tedtalk about how feeling feelings is great and good for the heart. Yes, I know I look colder than a iceberg, but, melting me till I boil is not going to help me, nor this guy.

Still, I suppose it’s unfair that he thinks I’m mad at him for telling his friends about me. I mean, if I wasn’t surrounded by the people I am, I would also look for advice on them. I mean, I did with Keiji, didn’t I? Not regardless the shower incident, but… In general. 

Being mad with him because of this is not only ironic but fake from my part.

Kei

I’m not mad [14.02]

I mean, I am because of what you did to me, but not because you told Bokuto [14.02]

Tetsuro Kuroo

Five whole minutes to forgive me [14.03]

I guess I will take it! [14.03]

Kei

Could you please stop counting the minutes [14.03]

That will make me mad, for real [14.03]

Tetsuro Kuroo

Okay, sorry [14.04]

Why are you mad, exactly? [14.05]

Honestly asking [14.05]

Kei

Remember you came into the shower? [14.06]

Tetsuro Kuroo

I would like if I said I don’t [14.06]

Kei

Then you can pick any thing you did then and that for sure you do remember [14.06]

That’s why I’m mad [14.07]

Now, the overdramatic one is… me. Yes, okay, I wasn’t mad at him because of this either. He could have just not done what he did, that’s true, but, I’m aware of the stupid connection he thinks we both have. That everybody thinks we have. Including Tadashi.

Including myself, I guess. 

But, apparently, I’m the only one refusing to admit such… affair. Fuck, I’m just not ready to deal with these kind of emotions. I’m not used to them, not even to feel attraction because even if that’s something I can’t choose, I’ve worked hard in not getting closer to anyone other than Tadashi. And if I even stopped me from thinking something different from Keiji, even if it was quite obvious I always found him handsome… I just can’t believe Kuroo managed to take that much from me in such a short time. 

It’s not that we talk that much; Keiji and Bokuto have become people that I talk with daily, and still, the one that turns me into an annoying cunt whenever he is around, it’s him. The couple doesn’t make me that nervous. They don’t make me feel that much.

Therefore, they don’t force me to reject that many things, either.

And all of this, because he can’t keep himself quiet every time he sees me. 

Or even now, that we are far away, he still talks to me. And the worst thing is that I can’t step back and mute myself. I always follow up. Like when we chat. When we talk.

When we are in the shower, and…

Tetsuro Kuroo

I’m sorry, then [14.11]

I never wanted to do anything that could make you feel uneasy [14.11]

So, I’m sorry if I forced you somehow [14.11]

I really am [14.12]

Okay, shit. Now I feel stupid. Wasn’t it obvious that I was kidding? I mean, not kidding, but, not being serious. I didn’t mean it literally. I’m not mad at him for appearing in the changing room when I was showering and turning me on with his mere fucking presence. I’m just pissed, and I thought I made it clear the other day that it’s not only at him, but at myself too. For not being able to let go, for holding back even when I clearly want to do the opposite.

And now I’ve really made him think I hate him or something? That he forced me?

We didn’t do anything. He just.. bathed me? He doesn’t even know what I did after he left, so, why would he feel like that? 

God, I really am colder than an iceberg.

Kei

Hey, it’s fine [14.15]

I’m not that mad, just annoyed because [14.15]

Well [14.15]

You already know how I am [14.15]

 I can’t be like you, I can’t lose myself that much [14.16]

I hate talking about this over message, but it’s true that, if we meet in person, my attitude won’t be this gentle. My defensive behavior won’t cooperate. Bokuto can swear on this; I really acted like an idiot yesterday. It looks like only Keiji can get a proper conversation from me, and I hate it. It really sucks. I just wish I could be more open to deal with this kind of situations, but, again, emotions are not my thing.

And even behind a phone I’ve managed to make someone think that I’m…

Tetsuro Kuroo

WOW [14.16]

THANK GOD YOU ARE NOT [14.17]

I WAS ABOUT TO CRY, MAN [14.17]

Ah. So he actually didn’t get that sad, after all. Amazing.

I’m so horribly clumsy when it comes to emotions I sometimes surprise myself.

Tetsuro Kuroo

Does that mean we are still friends?! [14.18]

Kei

I didn’t even know we were, to start with [14.18]

Tetsuro Kuroo

Now you do! [14.19]

So, are we or not? [14.23]

Kei

I thought you decided for both of us [14.25]

Tetsuro Kuroo

Then, we are [14.26]

Also, don’t worry about ‘losing yourself’. We will get there [14.28]

Kei

We will get there? [14.29]

Tetsuro Kuroo

We will get there [14.29]

I guess I can’t choose about this, either. He is my friend, want it or not, and he is willing to make the effort of helping me find myself. So kind, isn’t it? It’s not that he gains anything from this. Not at all.

Jackass.

I go to our group chat just so I leave every message read before I stop for a short nap. I’m already in Karasuno, in the common room looking for some mail, in case I have any. I really can’t do it as fast as I can because Kuroo is really talkative today. Both chats are filled up with his monologues, not even Bokuto can catch up to him. They are talking about some nonsense related to their office, and Keiji only replies with annoyed stickers. 

Just because, I decide to send one too: a Supersaurus’ skull with the word Superboringsaurus right below. Then, I leave the chat and move to my private one with Kuroo, where he is still acting like my savior and not a horny bitch.

Tetsuro Kuroo

You could take me to dinner too, I’m the nicest date [14.36]

Today, perhaps. Tomorrow. On Monday… [14.37]

Kei

Or I could just send you some coupons for a fast food restaurant and you go yourself. Doesn’t it sound awesome? [14.39]

Tetsuro Kuroo

Would you give em to me in person? 🙂[14.40]

Kei

You don’t give up, do you? [14.41]

Tetsuro Kuroo

Knowing that you like me implies I will never give up, Moonshine [14.41]

Kei

When did I say I like you? [14.42]

Tetsuro Kuroo

When you blamed yourself instead of me for our shower romance [14.42]

Kei

Don’t you call it like that [14.42]

I beg you [14.42]

Tetsuro Kuroo

Glad you didn’t deny, once more [14.43]

(damn, I love men that beg) 🥵 [14.43]

Kei

God, I’m worried about Kenma’s health [14.43]

If you are really this horny all the time, he must be sore 24/7 [14.43]

Tetsuro Kuroo

No way, man [14.43]

I’m the one that begs when it comes to Kenma 🫡 [14.43]

And sex-sore is the best sensation ever 🤓 [14.43]

Wait, Kenma? Our Kenma? Does that mean that my lazy ass friend is actually a sex machine? And Kuroo… begging? Oh, okay. I need to erase that image from my mind, because I don’t even know how to picture it accurately, since it sounds so surreal. 

I lock down my phone to pinch my nose bridge as I fail at avoiding this horrible yet interesting portrait I’ve painted on my blank mind in just two seconds. Damn it, he really has no shame. I admire it from him, to be honest. Talking so freely about sex, about what he likes and does not… It reminds me of what he told me when showering. “ I wish you wanted me just as much as you did on Saturday, because I promise that not even that would be enough to fight against how much I want you ”. If he was as honest as it seemed, there is no way I can match what he feels. I doubt Kenma can, either. I don’t care how crazy he says his boyfriend is, Kuroo is literally obsessed with what sex brings to him. 

And he hasn’t even had it with me yet, how can he like me that much?

“ Yet ”, my head repeats. “ You said yet ”.

God, I really am a fucking mess.

“This is incredible”. I jump back as soon as I hear someone talking next to my ear. Well, it’s not actually to my ear, because it’s Shoyo and he is not that tall. But he is right behind me. “It’s really him. Kei Tsukishima”.

“The fuck are you saying now?”, I complain.

“Oh, no”, he cries out, “he is back”.

I frown so hard my forehead hurts.

“Are you going to explain, or should I leave you both here?”. 

Tobio is right behind him, sharing the same expression as if I was some kind of wild animal in the wrong place. Or that was before they got disappointed because of… whatever.

“You were smiling at the phone!”, Shoyo points out. “You were laughing and smiling on your own! That rarely happens, so we were scared”.

I was what? This guy is on drugs. I obviously wasn’t smiling, nor laughing. Even though I got to Karasuno a while ago and I’m still at the common room checking on mail that’s clearly empty. Why am I still here, damn it?

And why did these two idiots see me… apparently smiling at the phone?

“You both really need to leave me alone”, I warn. I’m pissed now.

I turn my back to them before they see me blushing or something worse.

“Wait!”, Shoyo insists. “You were beautiful smiling, you should do it more often”.

“Let him go, Shoyo”, Tobio says. Clever. “He was clearly talking with Yams, so he’s not gonna tell you why was he so happy”.

And just like that, they start pinning each other like kids while I freeze in front of the stairs. He… He thinks I was talking with Tadashi, which is normal since he is the only one I normally chat with that can make me smile like that. Actually, they haven’t seen me chatting with Keiji, nor Bokuto, because even if it’s not the same, I can also enjoy their conversations.

But they have seen me with Kuroo, even if they don’t know it. And, apparently, my expression was just the same. 

It can’t be. I accept that I perhaps smiled or laughed to that idiot’s words, but there is no way someone could mistake myself when it comes to Tadashi. There is simply no way.

When I finally find the strength to walk, I take the stairs to our floor and get into the room. Seen him here it’s no surprise to me; I knew he would be around, because he told me this morning. Still, I avoid Tadashi’s eyes till I have no other option.

“You came early”, he says to me.

I sit on my side of the bed as I take off my shoes.

“I’m tired, wanted a nap”. Which is true, but now I crave the fucking nap.

“Great!”. He seems pretty thrilled. “I’m glad I catched you, because I’m leaving now and tonight’s party’s hour has changed, and I didn’t know if you would read me on time!”. I turn around to see him, now with nothing else to do. He really looks pletoric and excited. I mean, we are all meeting tonight for a board game night, so, knowing how much he likes those, I suppose is understandable that he is so happy. “It’s at seven, okay?”.

“Sure”. It hasn’t changed a lot from half past six, as it was before. “Why later, now?”.

“Yuji doesn’t leave the conference till half past six”.

Oh, so this is because of Terushima. Of course. 

God, I know it’s childish, but just hearing Tadashi calling him Yuji gets on my nerves. So he doesn’t see it, I turn again and continue undressing me.

“And why are you leaving so early?”.

“To see him”. I almost catch my belly with my jeans’ zipper, and I’m bringing it down instead of up. Why? Why is everything about that guy?. “We all go to cheer for him, because it’s his big chatter”.

“What’s he gonna talk about? Hairspray?”.

As Tadashi remains silent, I know I’ve fucked up. 

Great job, Kei, you couldn’t just shut your mouth, right?

“I suppose you don’t want to come”, he says. His voice sounds softer, and sadder. As his question implies, he already knows the answer. Therefore, I don’t give it to him. “See you later, then. I hope you get to rest till then”.

Because my bad mood can’t come from nothing different from tiredness. Not because I hate the guy. God, I really can’t do anything right.

“Tadashi”, I call him before he closes the door. “Have fun”.

“Thanks”, he says, after a few seconds.

Then, he leaves, and I’m in my underwear as I close my eyes trying to ignore what just happened. It was all going so well… For fuck’s sake. After we went shopping the heater we really had a nice night together. Dinner, a movie and then… well, what’s clearly not gonna happen tonight since I fucked up again.

Anyway, I don’t think it will get any better from now on. Perhaps once Terushima leaves we manage to get along again, but, since we are meeting tonight, I don’t count with it.

I don’t want to think about the party, so I lay down in bed without even putting on my joggers nor t-shirt. I’m so suffocated I don’t need any clothes other than my underwear, and Tadashi has left the heather on, so, I guess this is fine. With how tired I am, hopefully I will fall asleep soon, and forget about our meeting.

Or perhaps I will just pick up my phone to put the alarm, and will see that Kuroo has texted me again. And just like that, I’m suddenly awake again.

Tetsuro Kuroo

By the way [14.58]

Since you betrayed me yesterday, the guys told me to meet later to play 🏐 [14.58]

Wanna join? [14.58]

Playing volley? Today? Damn, I will never tell them this, but I would love to. Simply because I need to distract myself from the idea of meeting with a group of people in which not only Terushima will be, but also Tadashi. With him, all the time. And Yachi, who clearly roots for them because she hates me.

Yes, I would totally go with them to play, because even if I still need to come to a conclusion about what happens between Kuroo and I, right now I think that’s easier to face than whatever is going to happen tonight.

But, as much as I’m a coward who always chooses what’s less scarier, this time I know I need to grow some balls and stay where I need to be. 

Kei

I would love to, really [15.02]

But my friends host a party tonight [15.02]

And since some of them are leaving soon, I need to attend [15.02]

Tetsuro Kuroo

You need to? [15.03]

It doesn’t sound great, but I hope you have fun anyway [15.03]

We will meet next time [15.03]

I’m glad you really had something to do and didn’t come up with an excuse to avoid me nor the guys [15.05]

No emojis, no stickers. Not even a gif, for example. He is… serious, too much for being him. But I’m thankful he doesn’t joke about this, because, as he says, I’m not joking. And I really hope tonight goes well, because otherwise, I won’t have a place to be in which I don’t feel ridiculously uncomfortable for one thing or the other.

So far, I’m going to nap. Perhaps once I wake up I see everything with brighter eyes. They say night changes many thoughts, right? It’s true that it’s only afternoon, but I will take it as a full pitch black early morning, and hope for the best.

***

The best, of course, didn’t really happen. But at least I feel a tiny bit better once I wake up with Tadashi around. My alarm didn’t go off yet, and as I check the phone to confirm I’m not late, I assume he is simply too early.

Which may be bad, or good.

“Hey”, I groan.

He jumps from the wardrobe and turn back to bed. He looks terrified.

“Damn it, I woke you up?”, he asks.

“Eh… Maybe”. I think he did, but I really didn’t notice. “My alarm was due to ten minutes from now, so, no worries”. He looks relieved, but also stressed. “Why are you here? Weren’t you at the conference?”.

“Yes, but” he points at his purple jersey, where a huge maroon stain covers the lower parts of the fabric, “Shoyo was laughing so much he threw his cola on me”. 

Oh. Well, I can see that happening perfectly.

I try to be nice, and don’t laugh at Tadashi. Not in front of him. I wait till he starts to look for a new jersey to wear, and I still do it in silence and covering my mouth with the back of my hand. It’s not that discreet, to my disgrace.

“I hear you”, he says.

That makes me laugh even more.

“Sorry, I just imagine the moment, and it’s pretty fun”.

“Then you should have been there”, he says, taking off his dirty clothes and putting on some new ones. 

He chose a light gray hoodie with some kind of elegant graffiti stamped on it, if that’s possible. Purple looks good on him, he started wearing it because it was one of my most used colors when we were kids, but I like him more in gray.

And just when I notice I’m thinking of that instead of on what he is talking about, I hate myself a bit more than usual.

“He says you act like a rollercoaster lately”. I suppose he still talks about Shoyo. “Very privately, but happy. And then all grumpy again”.

“That’s the usual”. It’s not, but I prefer to joke about it. “It’s just that I’m not happy when I see him, and he gets mad”. Tadashi laughs, and that cheers me up. We can leave this conversation away before he starts asking me what makes me happy lately. “So, are you going to the party already?”.

“Yes, I came only to change clothes. Since I had to leave sooner anyway, I decided to go buy some more drinks myself”.

“We can go together, if you want”. As I ask so, he freezes on his way to the door. I’m still half naked in bed, with no glasses on, but surprisingly my vision is on my side, because I can clearly see him blushing. “I mean, if you are going with someone else, we will meet…”.

“Not at all”, he says. “It sounds nice, we can go together”.

And just like that, I leave bed as fast as I can to get dressed and get moving. Not that I’m excited all of a sudden, but I don’t want him to be late because of me. We go to the closest market, then, and then we come back to Karasuno, since we are staying in here for the party. Only Terushima resides in another frat, so he accepted to come here… as if he wouldn’t have been around this place from the beginning.

No. Stop it. I forbid myself to think about him more than I will already do once he appears with the rest. 

When that happens, I fear that I won’t be able to hold back that easily, but I try my best. Surprising Shoyo even more, I stay close to him and Tobio, since they seem the only two ones that don’t get along with the intruder that much. Noya and Tanaka are obviously friends with him, and Yachi, as I said… well, she’s next to him and Tadashi all the time.

Because, as expected, Tadashi goes with him from the moment he appears and on.

I don’t feel rejected. Like, we are all friends here, or he is with all of them, so I obviously don’t expect him to be around me all the time. Why would I want him to, though? Noya and Tanaka don’t know what happens between us. We weren’t that close back in the day, so we never told them nor they saw us anytime. 

And, I mean, it’s not that we can be just friends. We are not going to make up every few words and show the world how ridiculous we are, but, even if I’m good at hiding how I feel most of the time, he is not. So, him staying with Terushima… perhaps it’s not that bad.

For our image, or his. For my feelings, though, it’s a torture.

“I hate these games”, I complain as I’m forced to join again.

I’ve made myself lose the last round of UNO so I could stop playing for a bit. I want to do so now too, but Noya has decide to play truth or dare, and I hate how this game can turn everything upside down depending on what they may ask or order. 

Thank God I don’t really give a shit, so if I don’t want to do as they say, I will just quit and stop playing again. But, so far, I can’t step aside without even starting. So I take a seat around one of the short tables of the common room, right in front of Tadashi. He looks at me with a soft smile. He wants to laugh, because he knows I’m pissed off. I, then, roll my eyes so he knows I’m tired, and he ends up biting his lower lip to not chuckle out loud.

“Okay, listen!”, Noya is standing, but he is so small I thought he was on his knees. “We will go in circles, okay? You can choose truth or dare, but once the choice is done, you can go back. If you don’t do or answer that is asked, you will be punished”.

“How?”, I ask, because that sounds worse than just losing. “Please don’t say something like getting naked or whatever”.

“Why would I want to see you naked, from all?”, he mocks me, because he knows I will be the first one to be punished. “No, you will have to pay”.

“Pay?”.

Wow, I didn’t know I would lose money tonight.

“Just one buck, come on”, he says. “At least, the first one to lose. The second will add two, and the third three, and on and on. And with the final pile, we will order pizza”.

Okay, it seems fair. We were all going to pay anyway, so it sounds interesting that only the ones that are too coward to play get to buy the dinner. Which will be me, I can see it already, but I’m fine with it.

“Okay, let’s start with… Yachi. Girls first”.

“I hate that shit; I’m the only girl, always!”. Some laugh, but she is right.

Since she hates me, I don’t support her at all. Fuck you, Yachi, I hope you pay my pizza.

“Cool, cool”. Still standing, Noya points at her. “Truth or dare?!”

“Dare”. 

“Wow, she goes hard from the beginning!”, Terushima says.

God, every time he talks I feel my skin shivering. 

I try to ignore it because Tanaka has lifted his right hand to go first in daring.

“I dare you to pick up your phone and call the first girl on your chats and tell them you love them, that you couldn’t hide it any longer”.

Shoyo and Tadashi laugh, and the rest start palming the table to make her feel uncomfortable. But, damn it, we are talking about Yachi, she doesn’t really care… unless, apparently, she does. Because when she checks her phone, she looks petrified.

“Ah… It’s not a good idea”.

“You are already paying?!”, Tanaka complains. “What happened to you!?”.

“It’s not that!”. Tadashi crawls to her to check on her phone, and then covers his mouth to laugh like a maniac. What the fuck is on there? I’m curious now, I hope she calls.

“Call!”, Tanaka and Noya order. “If not, you pay!”.

“Fine, fine!”. A deep sigh precedes the call. “But don’t hate me for this”. She says that to only Tanaka, which makes me realize… Oh, God, this will be fun. “Hey, Kiyoko, are you busy right now?”.

“What?!”, Tanaka screams. “No! No! Hang up!”.

But Yachi is already playing her role.

“Look, I… I don’t know how to say this”. Kiyoko’s husband is trying to take her the phone, but she is too clumsy for that, and she is too agile. “Remember when I told you I had a crush on you in High School? That… That I knew I was a lesbian because of you…. Aha”. 

“Yachi no!”, he cries out. “She will divorce me and go with you for sure!”.

The guys are really bursting out laughing, and I admit I want to do so too.

“I think I still love you, Kiyoko”, she says. “Deeply. Madly. Girly”. I look for Tadashi, and he is literally wiping way his tears, because his friend is a great actress. “I… Yeah, I know, it’s just… If you could divorce Ryu and… Yes…”. Her eyes shine bright. “Yes, I understand. I can do that. Yes”. Then, she hands the phone to Tanaka. “Sorry, man. I’m so charming she didn’t even hesitate”.

And since this guy is the most stupid guy I know when it comes to love, he really think she is serious when he takes the phone and put it on his ear.

“Baby?”, he cries. “Please don’t leave me, I will grow up some hair and dye it yellow to look like her if you want me to”. Now, even Yachi is laughing out loud. Especially when Tanaka notices it was all a game between the girls. “Oh, okay”. He sounds mad now. “So you are not divorcing me”. He mutters something like I hate you to Yachi. “Yes. Sorry, your friend is a devil. I really… Yes, I know you knew we were gonna play…”. Then he tries to cover his mouth so we don’t listen. “Baby I just love you so much I was so scared”.

“Man, you are worse than my man”, Noya mocks him.

So he is back with Azumane? Damn it, they really are that kind of couple.

“Okay, I will call you later. I love you so much”. He hangs up and gives the phone to the person who is already leading this game. “You are the worst”.

“Remember, Ryu, I could totally get her if I wanted to”.

While they literally fight next to the table, it’s Terushima’s turn.

“Truth!”, Shoyo screams. “Is it true you were the one that burned down the Christmas Tree at the main square of HQ University?”. Wow, I didn’t even remember that. I mean, I got to know because Keiji told me, but… Shoyo really had that thought in mind.

And Terushima seems quite shy to answer. It’s not till he looks for Tadashi and this covers his face on his knees that the intruder decides to nod.

“Wait, what?!”. Yachi stops fighting Tanaka to look for him. “It was you?!”.

“On my defense, I didn’t notice”. Everybody is making fun of him now. “Yammy and I were talking a walk, okay? We were on our way to my room after watching the Christmas concert, and we had those sparkly bengals they gave away at the exit of the theater. And I started burning my hand with the lighter”.

“Oh, God, this doesn’t sound good”, Noya says.

“It was mere instinct! I threw it away, and it ended up on the Christmas tree”. Both Noya and Tanaka start hitting him with some pillows we have on the floor. “It didn’t burn down! It was on fire for a few minutes, then they extinguished and it was fine the morning after!”.

They all like the story, but I’m annoyed because I’m obviously thinking of how that night Tadashi didn’t told me he was staying with him, and I really stared at the door waiting for him to come back till four in the morning. Stupid from my side, since they were together, but… Damn it. I still remember to this day, because when Keiji told me about the three, the first thing I wanted to do was going to Tadashi and told him about it.

I didn’t, and know I guess that, if I had, I would have known about this story earlier.

But it’s too late, and now I don’t care nor want to know about it.

“Okay, Yams, your turn!”. 

I try to ignore a few rounds because I really can’t deal with many of the things that take place tonight in here. So far, my two first Truths go on successfully. They ask me about a fake dinosaur skeleton I broke at the laboratory on my first year because I was so excited to see it, and then about me catching Shoyo and Tobio fucking three times in the same week. That question is Yachi’s doing, which surprisingly doesn’t try to embarrass me, as I expected. 

When I answer that I, indeed, caught my friends in bed not one, nor two, but three times in less than seven days… The two ashamed ones are them, not me. 

Even if I’m clearly disgusted with the image.

To erase it from my head, I use Tanaka’s turn to check on my phone. I know I have some messages, because I’ve felt the vibration, but I didn’t expect them to be from the guys group. I thought it would be my brother, but, unless he has turned himself into an almost two meters tall dark haired guy of huge pecs… This is Kuroo, and not him.

Tetsuro Kuroo

📸 Photo [20.11]

I think we are missing one blocker [20.11]

Do you know some as good as you? [20.11]

The idiot has used the group chat to sent me a selfie of him in front of the net, with Keiji and Bokuto right behind. He is shirtless, and so is Bokuto, but Keiji is full dressed. They all look exhausted. Also, they all look incredibly hot and beautiful.

God, this was not the way I had in mind to forget about Shoyo and Tobio fucking.

I still think about sex, even if it’s not the one my friends had.

“Yams, your turn!”. 

Hypnotized as I am, I lock down the phone and focus on the game again. It’s Tadashi’s turn, hopefully that’s enough for me to distract myself from Kuroo’s chest. And Bokuto’s. And Keiji being Keiji. Goddamit. 

“Eh… Ok, let’s go with dare”, he says.

So far, he has chosen Truths all the time. It takes everyone by surprise, and that’s why no one has anything prepared. Looks like it’s gonna be Terushima the one daring something, but Noya stands up again full of energy and takes the lead.

“I dare you to kiss someone in the room in less than ten seconds!”.

Wait, what?

“What?”, he also asks. “That’s not fair!”.

“With tongue!”, he ads. “Nine seconds!”.

Tadashi starts shaking and laughing.

“Come on! I can’t do that! And I don’t want to give four bucks!”.

Three of us have already paid: Tobio twice, and Tanaka once. Looks like Tadashi will be the next one, unless…

“Seven seconds!”, Noya insists.

“But…! But…!”.

“It can be anyone!”, Noya turns around to show the room has more people than us. “Five seconds!”. Tadashi starts to shake his hand in panic. “Four!”.

I don’t know what I expect from this outcome, but I thought he would stand up and kiss Noya himself instead of what he really does, that is obviously kissing Terushima.

As he kisses him, tongue included, and Terushima holds him closer for a longer kiss full of laughs, I notice how I can’t breathe. I know it’s not possible, but it feels as if my heart just stopped beating for more than a second. They are all cheering the kiss, starting with Noya but also Shoyo, Tobio… All of them.

All, but me. All, but Yachi, that even if she is clapping to join the fun, she is looking at me, aware of my petrified reaction.

He… kissed him. He really kissed him in front of everyone. In front of me. 

But… He told me they weren’t together, right? I mean, perhaps that has changed but… No, it can’t be. We fucked a few days ago, he wouldn’t do that. He is not like that. 

Why did he choose him, then? And why am I reacting as if I was ten years old?

“Okay, okay! Fair victory for you”, Noya says. “Now, my turn!”.

As they go with him, I lose track of space and time for a while. I’m trembling, and the kiss repeats in my mind nonstop as I try to forget about it. But I can’t. I simply can’t and, even if I try, all I think is him doing it so easily, and me not being able to even try to do so.

If that would have been me, I would have paid. And, if not, I would have go and kiss him instead. Yes, Tanaka and Noya don’t know, but we are playing. And I know they are playing too, and that perhaps that kiss means nothing, but, shit, why? Why do I feel so horribly jealous? Why do I feel like shit?

Why am I so angry at him for doing something I can’t?

I couldn’t kiss anyone in here, only him. But he did kiss his ex boyfriend. Instead of me, he chose someone he broke up with already. And kissed him in front of everyone.

For a game. For a stupid game, but that, to me, means the world.

“Tsukki?”, Tanaka calls my name, and I come back to reality still suffocated. “You okay?”. Everyone is looking at me, but I can’t even focus on the guy talking. “It’s your turn”, he says. “Truth or Dare?”.

But all I do has nothing to do with picking one. I just look to Tadashi, as if I would be finally able to look for an explanation on what just happened. All I find is him shocked, pale and with eyes about to pop out of his face. I know I can’t speak up, that I should not, but it’s all my heart tells me to do.

Instead, I use my head, as usual. For the first time, I think I do what’s right.

I stand up and leave the room. Tanaka calls for me, but I don’t look back. I just walk away, to the staircase, and when I’m about to reach the first floor, my name is called again, but with a voice I don’t want to listen.

“Kei, please, wait!”, Tadashi says. 

I feel so lost I don’t know where I’m going. That helps him reach for me, and grab me by the wrist to stop me from running away. 

Since I’m busted, I turn around to face him. He still looks terrified. I look devastated.

“What’s going on?”, he asks. “Why are you leaving like that?”.

“You kissed him”. I spit it out, without even thinking it deeply. “From all the options, you chose him”.

I’m aware I don’t sound furious, nor mad. It’s not how I feel, I’m just sad, broken and somehow annoyed, but not only at him. Not as much as to get angry.

Him, on the other hand, starts breathing so vividly that I think he is bitter.

“Are you serious?”, he says. “You left because I kissed Yuji?”. I nod, and that shocks him even more than my words. “How can you…? Why are yo mad at me kissing him?”.

“I’m not mad”, I clarify. “I just don’t get it, Tadashi. Why him?”, I ask. “Why not me?”.

“Why not you!?”. He rarely yells, even less to me. But he does now, and I can’t inhale again as I try to deal with it. “Because you would have pushed me away, Kei”, he explains. “Because that’s what you always do, especially if someone like Noya or Tanaka are around”.

Yes, that’s true. I always hide us, but because I hide myself. Still, we were playing. It was a game, I wouldn’t have pushed him away. I wouldn’t have reacted any different from anyone… but he chose Terushima, and that fucking cunt almost eats him in front of all of us.

Of course I’m pissed. Of course I feel so wrecked right now.

But not at him. This is… This is not about Tadashi.

“Are you mad at me because I kissed him, or are you mad at yourself because you wouldn’t allow me to kiss you instead?”.

His annoyance is so sincere it blocks me from answering.

Am I mad at myself? Am I really pissed at how jealous I am of them being so openly fine with each other, than I can’t even accept that Tadashi could find someone else other than me? Than the idiot that holds him back in exchange for secret kisses in the shadows?

God. Yes. Yes I do. Yes I am. The more I think of the kiss, the more I notice I’m jealous but not of Terushima only, but of Tadashi himself. Of him being able to do such things. Of moving on, even if he always comes back to me.

Damn it, I’ve never managed to do so. So far, I stop me from evening thinking of it, because I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve him, nor anyone. But he does. And even if I want him to be with me, I can’t give him that. Why, then, do I run away when I see him trying to find what I can’t offer in someone else? 

Why can’t I do the same?

“This… This can’t go on like this, Kei”, he says. I sense the sadness in his voice. “I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to get over you, and I can’t. But whenever I’m close to just try, you decide to pull back the chain you wrap around my neck and bring me back”. I feel my heart breaking in pieces as he speaks. “I need you to let me go”, he begs. “I will always go back to you, you know it. Can’t you just let me go on the meantime? Can’t I be happy too?”.

“I’m not happy”. That’s all I get to say from that.

“But that’s not my fault”. Which implies he is not happy either, and I’m indeed the one to blame for that. “You could kiss him too”, he tells me. “Kiss Tanaka, Noya, I don’t care, because we are not together”. Yes, we are not, because I decided so for the both of us. “If we can be with whomever we want, why do you get paranoid if I try?”.

Because I can’t. Because I don’t even know if I want to, if I will ever want to be with someone that it’s not Tadashi Yamaguchi. Perhaps this stampede from my side has nothing to do with them only, but also with myself, but I’m still scared of him finding someone else. Of me doing so too, but not being as brave as he is to try.

But I can’t tell him. I can’t even explain how I feel when I think of him moving on, because as much as I want his happiness, I pray to a God I don’t believe in so that can happen next to me. All, while I push him away. Without kisses in public nor games in which to play. I push him even when we are alone. When we are fine.

And then I pull the chain, as he says.

But, who the fuck is pulling mine? Why am I doing this to myself?

“Kei…”, he cries, both literally and when talking so sadly. “You have to let go”, he says. 

And just like that I know he means both, him and me too.

That’s why I nod, even though I still don’t know how I feel about the idea. Because I’m scared, so fucking scared, that I can’t even bring myself to walk away even if I want to.

He does, though. As always, he goes a step forward and, while giving one back, he is already heading to some place further away from here. From me. 

As it should be, even if it kills me inside. I want to go with him. I can’t even follow.

He disappears from my sight, and I stay in the corridor long enough to feel my legs tired. I’m so exhausted from panicking I can’t even bring my hands down to my thighs to massage them. They are close enough to just move them slightly and do so, but I’m fisting them so hard, that’s all I can achieve.

If I don’t let go of the pressure I feel inside, of all the fears, I will never manage to move on. My legs will remain sore as fuck, and my heart will ache full emotions I don’t listen to. I still don’t understand why do I do this to myself. Why do I hate myself so much to stop me from living, but I do. I do every day, and something as simple as Tadashi kissing someone else is enough for me to broke. Him, kissing someone, while I stop me from doing so.

“ Tsukki, if you don’t allow yourself to feel, how do you expect to live at all? ”.

Bokuto’s words repeat on my head as I try to keep everything else in silence. 

Allowing myself to feel. Allowing myself to let go. To break the chain I placed myself on my own neck. On my heart. Can I do it? Can I even try? 

Fuck. I want to. I don’t know which key opens the locker, but I don’t want to use one; I just want to break it. To break free. Fucking finally, and start working on my own.

That’s why, perhaps, I go down the stairs again and leave Karasuno without looking back. The guys are still playing; they won’t miss me, so that’s fine. But I don’t want to miss myself. I don’t want to look back and know that all my life have been wasted.

I reach the training grounds faster than expected. My heart beats so desperately and my breath is so cold, I’m afraid my throat will be affected by it later on. But that’s something I can work with; some caramels will help, but my heart needs more. My heart needs me to listen to it for once and forever, so we can start getting along.

“Well, well, well. Look who decided to come”, Bokuto says when my speed brings me to the court they are in. No one is shirtless now; it’s a cold evening, so that would be crazy. But they are all here. The three of them.

Keiji, waving his hand and saying something about me joining them for a last round.

Bokuto himself, with both hands up, celebrating my appearance.

And Kuroo. Tetsuro Kuroo, with a volley ball beneath his right arm, and a cocky smile on his face that, as expected, starts to disappear as I get to move towards him, all but slow.

The ball falls to the court as soon as I approach him and I bring myself close enough to kiss him. I frame his face with my hands. Even if we are almost the same height, I still get on my tiptoes just so adrenaline can run over my spine. This feels warm. This feels new. If so, this feels hopeful and energizing.

He is so paralyzed, I don’t blame him for not responding, as much as I understand why the other two have to stay silent all of a sudden.

I do understand.

My head, after so many years screaming like crazy, is somehow quiet too.

My heart, on the other hand, starts beating faster than ever.

When I pull back, I look at his lips, kissed by mine. Then, I bring my eyes up, to his shocked ones. Looks like, after all, I let him speechless for once.

“Let’s go”, I say as I grab him by the wrist and take him with me. 

He obviously follows me, even if I suppose he doesn’t know where we go. To be fair, me neither, but I just know we go ahead. Not back. Not again. I just look forward, following what my heart wants, even if I know I will lose my mind later on when I remember what I’m about to do. It’s fine, I will learn to deal with that too. 

This won’t be that simple. Nothing of this will. But, it’s a start, and after so many years looking at the closed door scared of opening, I’ve managed to take the knob and show myself a new place. A new path to follow, to discover on my own.

Fuck, I’m so scared. Somehow, I’m also excited.

I suppose that’s how emotions work. The rest, I will hopefully discover it sooner or later.

Chapter Text

KUROO

I think I hear Aka screaming something as I’m dragged out of court, but I’m so hypnotized by what Tsukishima has done, that I can’t recall it at all. Also, did I hear Bokuto cheering up, or was it all in my head? I guess I did listen to some chants, because there is no way my brain can come up with that stupid idea right now.

It’s quite busy trying to understand what the fuck is going on.

So far, all I know is that Kei Tsukishima, the fucking Kei Tsukishima, has appeared while we were about to stop training to kiss me. Just like that. Full in. And even if I’m considered a master when it comes to flirting, I swear to God this is the first tome someone leaves me speechless with a kiss.

I don’t even know what to say about it, other than I’m incredibly surprised.

“We can’t go to Karasuno”, he tells me as we walk through the roads of HQ University. People we pass by ignore us, thankfully. Right now I must look like a lost dog following its owner around. “All my friends are there”.

“I suppose that’s bad, because…”, I invite him to continue.

“Because I don’t need anyone to gossip about me at the moment”.

“Why so? It’s not that you are doing anything wrong or unusual”, I mock him.

He stops walking and that makes me think he is finally gonna face me and explain what’s going on. Instead, he checks on the signals around the fraternities areas and look for Nekoma’s one. I’m not even offended he doesn’t know where my building is; since he doesn’t have friends in there, I suppose he has no need of knowing the exact location of every fart so far, but… Damn, I thought we were a thing here? I guess I was wrong.

Anyway, he starts walking again. His hand is still grabbing me by the wrist, and I can’t even come to enjoy or comment the obvious fact that it is him the one touching me. I’m still paralyzed. I let myself go because being dragged requires of zero concentration from my side. If I needed to do something else, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be capable of it.

And, actually, when we get to Nekoma’s building, I know I have to do something. If we put a step on it, I’m afraid of things will get quite messy, and, hey, I love casual sex, more than anyone, but I don’t think someone like Tsukishima knows what’s that at all.

I don’t think he came looking for me to the court because he fancied getting railed.

“Okay, stop it”, I saw before he takes the stairs to the entrance. We are at the curved stony road that comes from the main avenue. The gardens of our frat are quite leafy, so, other than streetlamps, we can’t see a lot if we don’t get in front of the building. “I think we need to talk about this first, don’t we?”.

“Are you kidding me?”. He seems surprised by my request. “Talk? Now?”.

This is so confusing. Are we even sure of what’s going on?

“Look, I’m the first one that is always willing to fuck, but you are not, so, I hope you understand that I’m quite surprised right now”.

He finally let go off my hand and it’s just so he can bring both of his to the hips. He stares at the leafy sky, and takes a deep breath. His eyes are closed, but I know that, if they were open, they would totally be rolling up white.

Which is not exciting.

“Did something happen?”, I need to ask. 

The sooner I throw the bomb, the faster we will get through it.

“Does something have to happen for me to want to fuck?”.

My brows raise up on an obvious answer.

“I mean, yeah?”, I say. “Man, you run away from me as a daily basis. Well, not in the shower, but I guess because the floor was slippery”. Now that his eyes are looking at me I can see how they roll. “Okay, now, seriously… Are you okay?”.

“Yes”. His reply comes pretty fast. “I am”. But he doesn’t look like that. “I’m stressed, that’s all. And that’s not… It doesn’t mean I don’t want to do this”.

“But how does it mean that you indeed want to do it?”.

I’m just trying to reach the matter of this conversation. He knows I’m totally fine with getting him into my room. Damn, I would love to, but, I’m not doing this without talking first. Last (and only) time we did something, it was me approaching him, and if I thought we were on the same page, I needed for a whole week to accept that he wanted to do it.

A week that is to due today. 

He hasn’t been acting that sure of himself and our actions the past seven days. Is he really trying to sell me the idea that he wants to do this all of a sudden?

“What happened?”, I ask again.

He’s avoiding me, so I give him time to think his words. Meanwhile, I fear them all.

“I talked with Tadashi”. Okay, that’s not surprising. I expected the guy to be involved in this. “He kissed someone else today, in front of me. And it felt awful”.

I feel an immense pain growing down my stomach. Gosh, this is… This is fucked up. This is so not what I wanted to hear. And I’m so hurt I can’t even bring myself to feel bad for him, because so far I’m feeling bad for myself.

“So you wanted to use me”, I say. “To hurt him back”. His eyes find mine in the middle of a wild trip around the area. He frowns, as if my word were nonsense. So far, I don’t think I’ve said something wrong. “He kissed someone else”, I guess it was Terushima, “so you want revenge, and came to kiss me”.

He did kiss me. Something that I’ve been craving since he told me we could not do so, and that I’ve been dreaming with merit at some point. Instead, he gave me it to me freely. Or that I thought, because now I see the cost is too high for me to pay.

“Not at all”, he says, though. And it’s his confidence what surprises me the most. “I didn’t… God, I didn’t kiss you out of revenge. I’m not here because of that”.

“Then?”. If that’s the case, then I’m lost. “Why do you want me, suddenly?”.

“Kuroo, I’ve always wanted you”. The obviousness of his voice is what gets in my chest as a sword. Mysteriously, a sword that doesn’t hurt at all. “Come on, you’ve been making fun of me because of how clear that was”.

“I mean, yes”. That I can’t hide. “But I didn’t expect you to be conscious about it”.

“That’s the thing; I am now”.

He started saying that him and Tadashi had a conversation. So far, I still don’t know what was that about, but somehow it has helped him to notice he wants me? How so?

And why do I feel so much adrenaline running through my spine?

“Well, to be fair I was already before”, he admits with some embarrassment, “but I didn’t want to accept it, because I didn’t see myself ready to do this”. 

“And you do know?”. It takes him a short while to nod. “How?”.

“I told you; I talked with Tadashi”.

“Yeah, but you didn’t tell me about what, and I highly doubt you went after him to tell him you wanted to fuck with me nor that he went after you to palm your back so you would come fuck with me”. 

I still don’t know as much as I would like to from them both, but what it’s certain is that they are a mess communicating. I’m glad Tsukishima doesn’t deny.

“No, we did not”. As I expected. “But after I saw him kissing Terushima, I felt so anxious, so scared, that he told me I needed to move on”. I listen carefully. “And it’s the first time ever he says such a thing. From any of us. He’s always so attached to what we have… that I guess he needed to see me as attached as he is to tell me to stop”. 

So, that’s the thing. Tsukishima needed to panic for his lover to tell him to quit.

And… he did? He just did?

“How does that explain that you are here now?”, I ask. That’s still my biggest concern.

Also, I suppose it’s what takes him the longest to justify.

“Because it helped me open my eyes”, he says. As he speaks, he never sounds passionate nor excited to have this conversation. The shame he feels is so obvious it’s hard to ignore. “Him kissing Terushima was painful to see, yes, because what I feel for Tadashi is strong enough for me to feel hurt because of it. But what made me feel so anxious, so stressed, wasn’t… Wasn’t seeing him with someone else, but knowing that I couldn’t do the same”.

So, for what I get, he still feels jealousy of seeing the guy with his ex-boyfriend, but also envy of knowing Tadashi can do so while, he couldn’t.

That’s… different from what I started to think, and it’s a relief somehow too.

“Then, you came looking for me just because you also wanted to…?”. If it’s hard for me to put into words, I suppose it’s even worse for him. “Let’s say it opened your eyes, and showed you what you were missing by acting all cold and bossy”.

“Cold and bossy?”, he quotes me. “I get the first, but why the second?”.

“No kisses, Kuroo. No emotions”. I use such a deep voice to mock him I can even see him blushing in the dark. Agh, he is so cute. “I suppose now both things are a yes?”.

“Don’t go so fast. I kissed you, yes, I guess I can do that. But I don’t want emotions”.

“Man, that’s impossible”. I get closer to him. “Fucking with me brings so many of those”. There it goes again with the rolled eyes.

“You know what I was talking about, you fucking perv”.

He turns around and starts walking towards the main road that leads to the entrance. I follow him, still quite suspicious of his attitude. Call me stupid, but I want to make sure of it before taking the next step.

Even if my legs are shaking full of anticipation to do so.

“Where’ you going?”, I ask, with a clear tone of judgment.

He turns around from the second step of the stairs.

“Your room?”.

“So, you want to do this”.

Now, he doesn’t only roll his eyes, but also sighs. Okay, that’s cute, I want to laugh but I’m afraid that will push him away.

“How do you want me to tell you?”, he asks. “You know I want to”. That’s true.

“And do you?”, but that’s what worries me. Even if he says so, I want him to be sure.

I’m glad he takes his time looking at me to comprehend what goes on inside his head.

“Yeah”, he says. He sounds sincere to me. “But if you keep talking bullshit I will go ask Keiji instead, so you better…”.

“Nope”. That’s playing dirty. I’m the one walking and leading the route now, making sure he doesn’t go away by grabbing him by the wrist. “It will be me. You said your only man so far has been Yamaguchi, so Imma be the second”.

“If you keep talking about him, you won’t be even the third”, he warns me.

That turns me on more than it should. Therefore, I get closer again, now taking up the stairs till I reach his height and, when I get there, I bring my right hand to his profile and make sure he doesn’t pull back.

“Nah”, I say, “you’re already stuck with me”.

It’s me who kisses now, and doing so feels freely, so amazingly, that I couldn’t even put into words how excited I am for this. Not only for what is about to happen, because it’s gonna happen , but also for him finally taking a step ahead and risking a bit. Enjoying his feelings, or at least saying yes to discover them.

I admit scared Tsukishima has been incredibly charming, but the brave one is even more my type. I really like me some greedy and naughty guys. It’s usually the same with girls; and if they get bossy, they turn me on even more. But so far the one in charge is me, and even if them taking the wheel is something that is incredibly magnetizing, right now I’m so anxious that I can’t help but leading him myself.

And so far, he hasn’t regretted his decision. God, this is really happening.

“You must know”, I say as we get to my floor, “that I don’t really use the room at all, so, don’t expect luxuries nor king-size beds”.

“I don’t have expectations”, he confesses. “Not about the environment, at least”.

That stops me right before pulling out my key to open. I look at him, all serious and patient. As I take a deep breath, I start shaking my head. Not to him, but to me.

“This is not happening”, I say. “This is a dream”.

So he has expectations about me!? About… us!? Oh, my, this is better than I thought.

“You really are annoying even when horny, aren’t you?”, he complains.

“Wait till you see me railing you”.

I open the door and I go directly to my side of the room. Apparently, the fact that we are not alone is enough for Tsukishima to get rid of my grip and stop beneath the door frame. Ah, yes, I forgot about that.

“Hey, Yaku”, I tell my roommate when I remember he is there. Actually, he’s not the only one; he is lying in bed with Lev sat next to him, and the low light they have on doesn't help me picture them at first. They are both watching their projector on the front wall. I don’t care about what, because I’m afraid they have to pause it. “Sorry to disturb, I know I didn’t warn you soon enough”.

My mate looks so surprised he is not even blinking. His eyes move from me to my companion, as if the mix was shocking.

“Not at all”, he says. “I suppose this wasn’t easy to expect anyway”.

Jokes aside, I guess people that know us both somehow (me more than him, obviously), can’t come to imagine this is actually a matching pair. Perhaps that plays on my side so Yaku doesn’t get mad since I’m clearly asking him to leave.

“You will get the night all four yourself”, I say. “I’m still going home afterward”.

Actually, Kenma must be waiting for me already, but I totally know he won’t get mad if I’m a bit late. And, if I’m being honest, I know both Aka and Bokuto are texting him to talk about this in our group chat. But so far, all I care is the guy that has finally come inside the room as my mate and his boyfriend stand up.

“Have fun, guys!”, Lev tells us as he put on his sneakers to leave. Yaku has been faster than him getting some outside clothes on. “If you need the projector, you can use it”.

“I bet they won’t be watching movies, you prick”, Yaku says as he grabs him by the collar of his shirt to bring him out.

I hear how Lev cries in pain as they leave, but they are away pretty soon. With them gone, Tsukishima looks for me and I do the same with him. Okay. I’ve done this a thousand times, how is it possible that I’m nervous now?! I bet it’s out of excitement, because I feel the adrenaline rush taking over my brain as time goes by.

“That was… impressive”, he says. “Somehow I thought you had a room for your own”.

“I barely stay in Nekoma other than to sleep. And I’m gone for the weekends, so”. I shrug. “I’m the perfect roommate, or that’s what Yaku says, since Lev came into college later than us, and he was placed into another room”.

“A perfect roommate is the one that appears all of a sudden with a hook-up?”, he asks. “I had another idea of how a perfect roommate would be, to be fair”. If you say it like that… yeah, it doesn’t sound pleasant.

“Well, I usually warn him before I get here. Like, way before”.

“Even if you meet someone the same night on a bar?”.

I frown to that.

“Why would I come to college with someone I’ve just met on a bar?”. It makes no sense to me. “This place is pretty far from anywhere I go partying”.

“I don’t know; it’s still better than a bar toilet, I guess”.

“And I think it’s better to fuck than to talk about what do I do when I meet people”, I remind him. “But if you changed your mind, and you prefer to chat about my methods, we can obviously do so. My cock will get soft as soon as we start talking about bar toilets”.

He notices my pun and criticism pretty fast, because his eyes narrow in annoyance.

“I can’t believe you are already hard”, he says. “We have only kissed”.

As I glance around the room, I get closer to him.

“Are you saying you don’t get turned on by kissing?”, I ask.

He takes his time to prepare an answer. I guess me approaching him is quite intimidating.

That’s also part of my methods, but I won’t tell him.

“I need more than a superficial kiss to get turned on, Kuroo”.

My right brow raises up as I get right in front of him. He looks more stable than he actually is.

“Is that a dare?”, I say. But all he does is copying my facial moves, as if this would be a fight between arrogant assholes battling for dominance. As much as I love bossy partners, he should know he can bossy me being so naive. “Because I’m more than ready to prove you wrong, Moonshine”.

He takes a deep breath and lets it go as a painful sigh.

“Stop calling me Moonshine”, he says.

“And…?”. I know there is more he’s holding back.

I’m right, because he bites his lip as his gaze looks down to my mouth.

“And kiss me”, he mutters, in agony.

As I smile, I know there is no way he can regret what’s happening tonight.

“Dare accepted”.

I grab him by the waist with my left hand, and I use the right to keep his face in place as I kiss him. He complained about superficial kisses, so I make sure my tongue finds a way inside his mouth as soon as he receives my passion. We don’t know each other for long, not at least as something different from “Akaashi’s friends”. Therefore, I haven’t had much time to think about how he may taste like.

I discover now that his warmth feels like a soft and sweet sip of black tea with caramel and oat milk. A very specific flavor I pull out just by the comfort and coziness I get from it. Just as if it would be raining outside, and his tongue would be a pleasant blanket to cuddle under to fight its cold. 

And just when his hands grab my hips and pull me closer, a strident lighting breaks the sky and I jump from bed, all ready to be shot by it.

I moan to his lips as soon as he starts guiding the kiss. I have no idea when have I gave up on the lead, but I love to be ruled by him just as much as taking control. So far, I need him to be ahead. I need to know what is he willing to do and give me, and so far, I don’t see restrictions. As his hands move to the front of my torso and scratch over my sports jumper, I notice he doesn’t even care I’m so disgusting right now.

“Do you want me to shower first?”, I ask him on a deep groan.

Pausing the kiss has been annoying enough for both of us. So him taking his time to answer me as I start playing on his neck starts driving me insane. The shaking of his hand is also distracting. I want to go on, but he hasn’t answered yet. 

“No”, he finally says. “I don’t care”. That’s actually as good as nasty, but I’m incredibly pleased with him saying so. “You are going to get sweaty anyway”.

I pull back from the soft skin of his neck to look at him from up close. It's pretty dark in here because of Yaku and Lev's movie night set up, but not dark enough for me to not see the shine in his eyes. He stares at my slightly separated lips as if my surprise wasn’t understandable, but the truth is that he… He has really said that. 

Damn it, he indeed is willing to go all in with this.

“Holy shit”, I groan again, “I want to fuck you so bad”. 

“Then stop talking”. He sounds so pissed of I want to laugh. “You really are a pain in the ass when trying to get to the point, aren’t you?”.

Ah, boy, that’s a silly use of words from his side.

I think he notices as I get closer to kiss again. I manage to do so once before he shakes his head and rolls his eyes all white.

“A pain in the ass”, I quote. “Don’t worry, Moonshine, I will be gentle”.

“You are despicable”. 

He was surprised I could be hard from just kissing once on our way to the room. Twice, if we consider our first kiss optimal. Then he must be shocked at how his degrading of myself turns me on. There are fewer things I enjoy more than someone saying how horrible I am as they prove they are incredibly excited to be with me.

Especially if, as Tsukishima, they complain as they blush.

“I can be that too, if you want”. I kiss him softly but playful too. His breath gets heavier as I do so, and his hands continue shaking on my waist. “I can be whatever you…”.

“Stop talking”, he cuts me down, “and fuck me already”.

“Your wise is my command”.

As he rolls his eyes again, I pull him from the jersey he wears on and take him with me to my single-size bed. A bigger one would be better, I’m aware, but I’ve never had problems fucking in here. If so, it forces us to be closer, and so far I don’t want to be pushed away from him at all. By any change.

I sit on the mattress’ end and I place him on top of me. On his knees, he continues kissing me as I scratch his back all over the fabric of his clothes. When I get down to slide my fingers underneath, I can sense how he tenses. My still growing boner feels his throbbing. I get so turned on by it, my scratches go all the way down from his shoulder blades to the waistline of his underwear, showing up from the edge of his jean by the smallest amount of textile. As I play around it, he starts rubbing against me. I refuse to pause this kiss again, not now that he wraps his arms around my neck to devour me so desperate, but I wish I knew with words if this is going good for him.

“ He wants you to stop talking, Tetsuro ”, my brain tells me. “ It can mean he prefers not to think, which can be wrong. But it can also mean that he just wants to go on ”. I obviously root for one more than the other. “ You want to go on ”. “ You want to stop thinking, too ”.

Therefore, I do so.

I slide my hands now beneath his underwear and squeeze his butt cheeks with so much urgency that my spine straightens and so does his. Tsukishima then groans against my lips, and that tells me to squeeze even more. His skin is so soft, he is so fit, I just can’t wait for him to be naked in front of me again. A few days ago, when we were in the shower, and I had to control myself so I didn’t scare him. But now… Now I have a clear path to do all he wasn’t ready to do back then.

My right hand comes front and works clumsily to unzip his jeans. When the zipper is down, I work with the trousers to bring them downer enough for me to move freely. I do the same with his underwear, and his bare ass get a new squeeze from me, this time spreading his cheeks to dig on how ready he is already.

He shakes on top of me, and his legs press against my body with nervousness. 

Ah, I know this body behavior very well. This is gonna be so fun.

“Have you ever bottomed?”, I ask what I already know.

We are so close, it’s hard for me to appreciate how annoyed he is at my question.

“No”.

Of course, someone not used to bottoming wouldn’t want to close his legs that much as he has. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to; it’s just a basic reaction I can work with. But this is a matter I need to confirm before going on. With this, we can’t just move on.

“I only top”, I remind him. We have joked about him doing one role or the other, but it’s now when it gets confirmed. Mine was given from the beginning. “Are you okay with it?”.

“Yes”. His answer comes up so fast, my cock twitches beneath my clothes. So does his, which is excellent news. “But don’t feel special”, he warns me. “I just don’t mind it”.

“That special enough to me”. Since I’m the first guy he is with after Yamaguchi, knowing he has no restrictions tells me more than he knows.

It means that he is ready for everything. Not only with me, but in general.

God, this Kei Tsukishima turns me on so fucking much.

I spread his cheeks again, now looking straight to his eyes, and seeing how he frowns in response. We are not kissing, even if our lips caress each other when he moves upfront. It’s close enough for me to get his tense yet excited exhalation. 

This is so good I know I’m leaking without even being fully hard yet.

“I want you to beg for me, Moonshine”, I say. “Not now, perhaps not today, but I really hope for the day in which you would be on four, looking for me over your shoulder, and begging me to fuck you”.

He is annoyed at me for saying so. As he wants to be always in charge of his emotions, whenever I bring out some that are new to him, he feels frustrated. Just like now, as he discovers that he wants to reach that point too. I know. It’s impossible to deny.

Therefore, he doesn’t do so. Not just yet. Not while my fingers play with his crease, tempting his hole for me.

“You think too much of yourself, I'm afraid”, he mocks me.

He sounds so trembling, I can’t hold myself back when stealing a kiss from him. A useless theft, since he gives it to me freely.

“I just think of you, actually”, I fight back. My soft arrogance mixes with his weak pride. So far, I’m so much stronger. “I think of how needy you may sound as I fuck you”, I whisper onto his lips. He separates his as if wanted to eat my words. When I press slightly on his hole, he closes his mouth and tenses his jaw. “God, you are making it hard for me to be gentle”.

“I never asked you to be”. Fair point, that’s actually true. “You are wasting time all by yourself, so…”. As I press again, his voice breaks in the air. I smile back at his frustration. It’s only now that I notice he is not pissed off at me tempting him with something new, but at how much I’m taking till I go further. “Stop talking nonsense”.

If that’s his will, then I will commit.

I bring my right hand to the front, between our mouths, and I softly touch his lips with two of my fingers. As he gives me space to get in, I change his with my own, and suck both my index and middle finger to the base. It’s a slow move, I let him stare as I bring them out fully wet. Once again, his breath comes out in patches. My recent humidity gets cold because of it, and that makes him shake when I get to his ass again and press.

To start with, I only use my index. He closes his eyes and rests his forehead against mine as I work my way in. He welcomes me tightly. It’s clearly not an easy path. Still, I find it doable as he starts rubbing on my lap. The friction of his underwear still covering his cock is clearly amusing him. I bring my eyes down and see the wetness on the fabric.

I take that as an invitation for my left hand to stimulate him also from the front. And since I’ve done this before… Grabbing his cock is not new to me, and so is not to him, either.

My right index gets swallowed immediately, once pleasure intensifies.

“I’m adding a second one”, I inform him. I do so just to annoy him a bit more.

“You don’t need to narrate your moves, jackass”, he protests, to what I laugh. “Just do so and…”. Indeed, I bring it in before he manages to finish his sentence, and that breaks his voice to the point in which a groan betrays him when trying to remain silent. “Shit”, he says. “That was…”.

Whatever word he was thinking of, it dies before living. And even if he wanted to share it again, I stop him kissing him again. 

My hand plays on him as our tongues mix together. As he pulls from my hair, I sense he is starting to enjoy everything I do equally. He continues rubbing on my lap, over my so hardened cock, which is begging for me to let it out. I keep it in for a short while longer. There is no erection I want to attend to right now other than his. And as I massage him, I start laying down on the mattress with him on top.

That’s… a little trick. I allow him to think he is in charge, even if both my hands are leading the way. And when he gets used to how he fucks himself against my fingers and grip, I let go both pleasure spots and turn him upside down.

He is the one backing the mattress now. I give him no time enough to react, as I start undressing him so we can start moving freely. He stares at me with wide open eyes. As I work, he doesn’t miss a move, so he sees me getting down on him as soon as I get rid of his jeans, underwear, socks and shoes. 

I don’t hesitate when bringing his cock to my mouth. As I do so, he fists on the sheets as if that could help him not moan. Of course, it doesn’t. Bringing his head back down is of no help, either. Besides, I’m working pretty hard on both his tip and balls, so there is no way he can’t ignore how pleasant this is to him.

I’ve sucked him already. Just once, but it gave me enough hints to work a second time.

I want to check how is it for him if I add a second spot of attention.

My shoulders bring his legs a bit up, so I can find a clearer way to his hole when I decide to finger him again. As expected, the pleasure intensifies. Therefore, his groaning is inevitable. Since I’m facing the mattress, the unavoidable rubbing of my sport joggers against the bed makes me so hard, I start leaking again.

It’s as if I would be fucking myself against my own sheets. I get so warm and heated on that I need to pull out of and free his cock so I can take my jersey away. My burning skin collapses with his flaming legs when I use my shoulders to raise him up again. As I go back to his cock, I leak all the precum sliding down his stiff. I fondle his balls on my way back to his ass. So far, he hasn't brought his face back to me, still hiding back down. It’s only when I get tired of just imaging his pleasure look that I decide to move on.

I free both his cock and ass again, and I get on my knees between his legs so I can reach his neck. I lick all over, and he wraps me with his legs, so I don’t let go. My immense and covered boner rubs against his naked one. It’s Tsukishima who decides to look for my waistline and start undressing me. When my erection flies free, I shake in pure bliss.

Our mouths meet again as he starts masturbating not only me, but also him. With both cocks together, his hands move up and down all over our lengths, and the wetness of our tips help him get the needed friction so the sensation is magnificent. I start pushing to fuck his hands and cock. I use my tip to press on his ball sack, all around his shaft as he closes his hands around it. The tightness is enough for me to lose my sight of him, as I close my eyes to hold my moaning back. When I clear my vision again, he is so focused on what I’m doing down there that he doesn’t even blink. Because whenever he does, he stays with his sight shut for a long while.

That’s cute, but I prefer when he pays attention to everything. So, I remember what he said: I never asked you to be gentle . Then, my dear, I will be rough.

I trick him with one of my moves and leave his grip to get down. I made sure to open him enough so now that I press with my tip on his hole, I can come in slowly, but freely. As I surprise him with a soft thrust, he tightness in a welcoming response. Not being gentle is not the same as being rude, so even if I don’t considerate patience here, I still make sure I don’t hurt him when finding my whole way in.

“Fuck”, he groans, bringing his head back again. I’m glad he comes up almost immediately; I was about to pull back as a punishment. “You are so…”. He bites his lip and stops himself from talking.

“Big?”, I continue. “Huge? Long?”.

His eyes roll white. God, he likes me so much.

“Insufferable”, he says.

The kiss I give him while I laugh is received with embarrassment. 

“Don’t worry”, I add. “I will make sure you suffer me well enough”. 

I press all my way in and he falls back to the mattress. It wasn’t painful, just surprising, but it’s obviously not as pleasant as it can get. With that in mind, and even though he is so tight I could cum instantly, I start moving slow. 

My left forearm helps me get in balance on top of him, as the right hand lifts his leg so I can get more space to maneuver. It’s only when I start pushing harder and faster that he takes off his glasses so he can cover his eyes with both arms crossed over his face. His mouth, though, is free for me to observe. I can see how he bites his lips, how kissable they look, all wet and needy, whenever he moans. It feels as if I were in a museum staring at a picture full of beautiful secrets to discover: there is no way you can look away, otherwise you are missing the story. And as I look at him, I can see the different levels of pleasures he reaches. They synchronize with my pounding; the faster I go, the faster he breathes in. And the deeper I get, the more he bites his lip to retain the excitement. 

Still, I can get a better picture of something so desired to me. For that, I bring myself back and stay on my knees as I fuck him. He still covers himself up, but now I can analyze his whole body at once. I want to see everything from him, I want to take notes of every part of his body reacting at our meeting. Both his legs lay on my shoulders so I can see his thighs' outlines on every muscle. He has started to let go on his try to stay quiet. The more he frees his moans, the faster I move out of admiration.

And still, even if this image is practically perfect, I get down again over him so I can stare from up close. Just that, now, I don’t allow him to hide anymore.

My right hand gets beneath his arms and looks for his profile. I’m glad he takes the sign and uncovers himself, because like that I can totally enjoy the pleasure of his face as I’m deep down on him. 

I don’t know what or how it happens, but there is a moment, an exact moment, in which he looks up to me and then he can’t look away. We get stuck into each other, and there is no space for jokes nor shame now. I’m fascinated by him, so mesmerized by his beauty, his whole attitude as he does this for the first time, that I even feel emotional for a second.

Fuck, he has chosen me. From a whole planet he has refused to take into consideration ever before, I came into his life and, somehow, I changed his brain chemistry. Somehow , I woke up a clear need on him, of breaking free. 

I know he thinks I’m a jerk, a pimp so proud of myself that may be just delighting himself by seeing someone so desired to even think of anything else. But the truth is that it’s hard for me to believe I’m that influenceable. And still, somehow , I am. To what instead of feeling joyful as a pretentious response, I’m just so happily overwhelmed.

Whatever I did to get her with him, I rejoice it. Whatever I’m doing now, other than fucking him, so he can give himself completely to this encounter, is a success.

I’m proud of myself, of course I am. But I’m so fucking proud of him that I can’t even put into words how much it means to me that he is doing this with me .

“I think I’ve never told you”, I try to speak, even if my breathing is useless right now, “how fucking beautiful you are”.

“And you thought…”. His talking is not much easier. “That this is the best moment to say so?”. I can’t help myself but smile and share a soft giggle.

“Yes”, I say. “I think this is the perfect moment to say so”. I get closer to him, chest to chest, so our foreheads can meet and my thrusting can reach his deeper insides. He bends his knees to welcome me in, as a soft yet precious groan leaves his throat. “You are so beautiful”, I repeat. “In an out, Moonshine, I’m so fucking captivated I can’t hold myself back”.

I want to kiss him, but he bites his lip again as if my words would hit him after catching him off guard. Even his shyness is pure bliss to me. It’s always been. Every time he blushes, that he tries to hide how he feels behind a silly sarcasm, I’m so down for him and I’ve done so in such a short time that I’m scared of how much I can get from this over time.

“Hold yourself… from what?”, he tries to fight me back.

I close my eyes to feel him, to sense both his insides and his heartbeats. Right now, I know that it would be impossible for me to cum. I’m on the clouds, living on another dimension as I give myself to him. It’s just a precious moment I will treasure as long as I can. Which is till he bites my lower lip and wakes me up from paradise.

Reality turns out to be even better.

“From what?”, he insists.

My tongue fondles his mouth up and down as if he was a popsicle and I would be scared of getting stuck on ice.

“Of feeling”, I say. “Of feeling so much”. My moves turn out faster all of a sudden. “Are you holding back, Moonshine?”, I ask. “Are you… holding back from feeling?”.

As his eyes shut down, I pound him till his moaning gets louder and rougher. God, now I know I could easily cum in just one second.

But he hasn’t answered me yet. Therefore, I bring my hands to his thighs and lift him with me as I get on my knees. He wraps around my neck and crosses his legs on my back as I start fucking him in the air. We are both tall as hell, so this gets complicated once my arms start shaking. If we keep moving, it’s just because pleasure rules for both us. We have both lent the lead to our own feelings.

I suppose that’s somehow an answer.

Still, I look him right in the eye waiting for one as I fuck him.

He starts by shaking his head. Then, he rests on my forehead as he close his eyes.

“Nah”, he groans. He can’t even vocalize properly. “I’m letting go”.

I kiss him immediately after. And as I fall back and sit down, he takes me whole again on his own. I eat his groaning, his soft pain turned into intense pleasure right a second after. As we break apart for air, I stare at him using me to his own will. I allow so. Even if tonight wasn’t mean for him to be bossy at all, I let him fuck himself on my cock for a while, so I can see how far can he go. 

My nails run over his back and legs on the meantime. As he bounces up and down on me, I hold myself back from cumming too soon. I entertain myself on his nipples so I avoid the urgency. I lick them, also the moles I found around. As usual on me, I run up to his Adam’s apple so I can feel his trembling on my tongue. He doesn’t slow down. His hips move so fast on me I need to grab him on both sides to stop him for a second.

When I do so, I pull back till I’m off.

Again, I place him back on the mattress, but now he face the bed as I turn him so he is on four. As I spread his legs and get in between, I place my cock on his ass and move up and down while I’m outside. It’s torturing for him, but to me is a way of picturing myself inside, without being there yet. It helps me slow the sensations down. To push my orgasm a bit further back, so it doesn’t come so fast. 

When I’m ready, I press my tip on his hole again and, grabbing his hips, I push in.

I slide inside so easily that is still surprising how weakened he gets by it. Falling completely on the mattress, I need to bring his hips up so I can remain on my knees. The views now as I pound are… fascinating. The narrowness of his waist compared to the amplitude of his shoulders is so hot, all I think is to cover him in translucent white. 

But I don’t do so yet, not inside nor outside. I just thrust and get lost in every muscle outline on his back, on every proof of his concealed strength. 

Akaashi is pretty strong, way more than me, because there is no way I could have been sitting next to this guy for six years and wouldn’t try my luck at least once. Per week.

“Is it good, Moonshine?”, I ask. Doggy can be rough for beginners, but so far he hasn’t complained a single time. “Do you want me to slow down”.

“No”, he says, quite fast. “Don’t you…”.

As his words die on a moan, I bring my right foot to the mattress and fuck him faster and deeper. His back curves out as he tries to deal with the pleasure, and I bend over to him too as mine gets hard to control. God, I’m so close, and I know he is too. There is no point in lasting this to the point in which it would blind us both, because I really want to see him enjoying this fully conscious. 

So, with that in mind, I let myself fall on his back slowly, till I late completely on him and I wrap him around his chest with my arms. The pounding gets slower, but also so deep my cock disappears completely inside of him. I sense the exact moment in which I stimulate his prostate at the right pace and pressure. I do so because his body, then, starts shaking between my arms to a point in which he can only do use of his right hand to bring it down and shake his cock as I hit his orgasm.

As it explodes, I’m completely aware of when he comes, not only because of how his body responds to that or how load his groans get, but because I make sure to bring my right hand down so I can help him milk himself. 

Once he empties himself, I press him down to the mattress and bury my head on his neck. It’s time for me, and I know pretty well how to get my prize.

I spread his legs and start pounding as fast as I can. He never pushes me back, so I use the obvious offer he makes with that to remind myself that I’m cumming to him. That I’m, indeed, getting an orgasm because of him.

“Tsukki…”, I groan. “Tsukki I’m…”. But I can’t even speak up.

“Just.. do it”, he says. “Like that”.

With that said, I let myself go and cum inside. I don’t know when do I bring my hands to his cheeks to press them down as I fill him up, but I do so and the sensation is glorious. But, once I empty myself, the strength of my arms turn into jelly, and I fall abruptly on top of him, making him groan in annoyance.

Ah, there he is again. I smile like an idiot when I hear him.

“You are heavy, dumbass”, he complains.

I move away, but firstly I look for his neck so I can kiss it. Then, I pull back and fall right on his side. I open my eyes before he can find a way to hide himself from me.

“It was… awesome”, I say.

His brows do some kind of dance that I can’t decode. It’s as if he tried to find an excuse to give me, or a few ones, and didn’t manage to bring any into words and gave up.

He is so cute, damn it.

“It was… fine, I guess”, he says.

I burst out laughing at how ridiculous he is.

“Really?! After all, you are only saying that?”.

He is so weak he doesn’t manage to push me any further when he presses against my arm. If so, the move brings me closer to him.

“I’m not… doing this again”, he lies to himself. “Not with you”.

“You loved it”, I say. “You came like a garden hose”.

Now he gets stronger and succeeds at pushing me away, also on turning his back to me.

“Go shower”, he tells me. “You stink”. 

“That’s not true”. I’m aware of my smell, all the time. I’m paranoid about it, so I wouldn’t be here if that were the case.

“Nah, there is no way”, I fight back.

I can hear him groaning. I was right!

As I leave him rest, I sit on the mattress before it’s too late. If I lay back any longer, I may fall asleep, and I need to shower and go home sooner than later. Thinking of that, I pick up my joggers and look for my phone on the pocket. It’s surprising that it’s still there. I unlock it and open the group chat with the guys. Then, I ignore all the messages. I only take in consideration that they are criticizing me.

Aka

I just say we should cut his cock as revenge [21.13]

Meow Kitty

I refuse [21.13]

That’s all I want from him [21.14]

Tetsuuu

There is no way you would get rid of such a precious thing [21.21]

I know they are still online, so now I do lay down just to wait for their texts back.

Aka

IF YOU FUCKED KEI I SWEAR I’M RIPPING YOUR DICK OUT [21.23]

They know that me chatting proves that everything went well. Especially after what happened on Kenma’s birthday. Therefore, and just to make fun of them, even more of Aka, I look for Tsukishima’s arm and put it on fop of my face. Then, I put on camera mode and take a selfie of myself. It’s a miracle it’s not blurry, because he has moved away pretty fast.

“The fuck are you doing?”, he complains. 

He is now next to me checking my phone.

“Sending evidences”.

I press on sent and it takes Aka less time to start screaming than to Tsukishima to reach for my phone. I’m tired, but I manage to avoid his hand.

“Don’t you dare”, he says. “Don’t you ever send pics of me fucking”.

I lock down the phone and then get on my elbow to look at him. I low how he frowns and closes his eyes to try to look at me. Without his glasses, he’s just like a lost cat in the wild.

“Does that mean that it will be a second one?”. That’s what I get from his words, and he regrets saying those as he notices I’m right. I see his eyes rolling white before he falls down to the mattress. He has given up. “Don’t worry, Moonshine; it was just your arm”. I get down and kiss his nape. He tries to push me away, but fails. “I will warn you if If I take one of your ass next time”.

“Fuck you”, he says.

Then I cuddle a bit next to him just to annoy him. Now, he doesn’t push me back.

“Gladly”, I joke.

I guess I can still wait a bit longer before going home.

Chapter Text

YAMAGUCHI

I go back to the party, but I’m aware that it’s as if I never did. So far, I don’t even remember what we do once Kei and I are done talking. I think the group is still playing Truth or Dare, but, besides that, I don’t really pay attention to anything that goes on around me.

I don’t even remember if I played that game once more, or I just stayed there, watching, observing but not listening, as my friends continued with their night.

Which is interesting, considering most of them have asked me if I was okay at least twice each. So many questions, since we are seven people. I haven’t managed to answer with honesty to any of them. The only one that has gotten a real and sincere response has been Hitoka, and that’s just because she went further deep when asking me about it.

“ Did something happen with Tsukki ?”, she said right when I got back. “ Are you sure nothing happened with him? Don’t you need to talk? ”, she insisted a while later, because I was still on my own cloud ignoring everything around me.

Of course, it’s not that I said “ yes, my dear friend, something happened with him. As always, because there is always something happening between us ”. I just remained silent, and not trying to hide that, indeed, I was avoiding a conversation, was exposing enough for her to take me out of Karasuno once we stopped playing games.

We don’t go further away; we stay on the surroundings, but we are closer to the building than to the roads that lead us to the avenues. 

“So?”, she asks as her arms cross on her chest. “What was now?”.

“Don’t act as if you don’t know already”, I say. 

Even if I accepted having this conversation, I don’t want it to be just the usual: me defending Kei, and Hitoka saying how horrible he is. Firstly because he is not the Devil, as she tries to point out every time. And secondly, because I don’t want to defend him today.

Not because he did something wrong, but because I’m tired. I’m exhausted of always having to take action based on his reactions or sayings, while no one, not even himself, takes a single minute of their time wondering if I have something to say or do too.

“It was because you kissed him, right?”, she guesses. That’s correct, and she knew it even before asking me if I was okay the first time.

I mean, Kei was too obvious leaving the room soon after I kissed Yuji. 

“I can’t believe it”, she complains. “Is he…? Is he really mad at you because you did whatever the fuck you wanted?”. Of course, she starts to ramble. “He ran away like a coward because he couldn’t handle that you could fall for someone else?”.

“I’m not in love with Yuji, Hitoka”, I have to interfere. “Don’t make things up”.

“But I’m right”. If she said those words, was for a reason. “If you were, he would lose his mind”. I don’t know what would happen if that was the case, because that’s something I don’t even consider myself.

In the exact moment in which I am, I wouldn’t be able to fall in love for someone that is not Kei Tsukishima. In fact, I wouldn’t want to, because loving him for as long as I’ve been doing so has been so beautiful and horrible at the same time, that I don’t want to go through that ever again. All the good, in situations like this one, is not enough to fight the bad.

And that’s something that destroys me. 

“I don’t know”, I say. “That’s not the case, anyway”.

“Then, what’s now?”. She is already so mad I’m not sure I want to keep talking with her. “Everybody knows he left because of it, so his image right now is not really good”.

“Do you think he cares?”.

Kei doesn’t give a fuck about those things.

“No”, Hitoka agrees. “He doesn’t even care about what you think”.

That hits me so hard in the guts that I can’t even respond properly. I take my time, taking a deep breath so I can keep calm and not lose my mind, as always when I talk with her about my relationship with him. It’s not fair that he’s never here to defend himself, especially today, that I don’t want to do so myself. 

“You know that’s not true”, I say, still. Not to protect him, but to protect me instead. My friend’s face is of no help. “If you are act like a hater all over again, I don’t want to…”.

“Then tell me what happened so I change my mind”. That’s a fair request, I suppose. “If I’m wrong, if this time was different, then, tell me”.

That implies that all the ones that precede this one prove that she was right, which is not the case. But that’s not a conversation I will have today, perhaps not even tomorrow. I prefer to let it go, and focus on what matters to me now.

“He was jealous”, I say.

And, so far, Hitoka’s face only turns from a serene gesture to an offended one.

“And what’s that any different from before, you jackass? He’s always jealous. He…”.

“No”, I interrupt. “I don’t mean jealous of Yuji”. Which, to be fair, I guess he also is somehow, but that’s not the main or only reason why he left Karasuno today. That’s surprising enough for my friend to stay quiet. “He was jealous of me”.

“Wait”. She cuts me down pretty fast. “He likes Teru now?”.

“What?”. Okay, I think she took the wrong outcome. “No! God, he hates him, actually”. Kei liking Yuji? I think I’m going to puke. “That would be as if I would start hating something I love all of a sudden. Could you imagine? Me hating, I don't know, fries. That’s not possible”. Hitoka trembles as if the picture of them both together would also be scary to her. “He is jealous of me. Of what I do. Of what I’m trying to do, at least. Even if he got the wrong idea”.

“Dare you clarify what’s the wrong one and the correct one? Because, so far, I don’t know any of them at all”.

I take a deep breath and keep talking.

“He is jealous of me moving on. He saw me kissing Yuji, and… And felt insecure. Of course, he didn’t like to see me kissing someone else, and that’s… fair. I wouldn’t react any better if I saw him kissing someone either”.

“But we were playing”, she says. “It’s a fucking game, that’s…”.

“And Yuji is my ex, Hitoka”. 

When Kei told me how he felt, I said the same as she is telling me now. I suppose I needed to think about it with a cold mind to understand the point. It wouldn’t have been the same if I kissed Hitoka, or Shoyo. No one, actually, would have affected him the same as Yuji, because no one of the others was my boyfriend before.

I mean, she was my girlfriend, but, she turned out being lesbian and I did it just to cope with my feelings for Kei, so, in that case, the outcome is even ridiculous.

So, yes, I understand.

I do so because, if he would have kissed Shoyo or Tobio, I would have laughed. But if someone else would have been there, someone he could like instead of me…

If he would have kissed Kuroo, Akaashi or Bokuto while I was there, it would have destroy me. I can’t judge him for his emotions, even if they would be unfair, it’s how he feels and I’m no one to say a word about it. 

But I know what Hitoka thinks. And I’m glad she is not saying it out loud.

“ He has no right to feel sad for it ”, she would say. “ He chose to not be with you, but you didn’t have a word in wanting to be or not with him ”.

And just like that, without having into consideration why he chose said thing or not, he would turn out being the bad one again. That’s… that’s something I don’t want to do, either.

“Still”, she says, “it’s not fair for him to…”.

“Please, stop”, I beg. Since I knew this was coming, my migraine is already attempting to stay for a while. I need to stop it from growing as soon as possible. “Could you stop judging us? For once? That’s why I didn’t want to talk about it”.

“Judging you? I’m not judging you ”.

“If you judge him, you also judge me, Hitoka”. That’s the only defense I’m doing today. “I also chose to stay, remember? You say it all the time”.

She sighs and then turns around for a few seconds. I know her well, she is counting to ten before saying something she could regret, and I’m grateful for it. When she is back at me, she looks way calmer than I am.

That’s fun, because I’m usually so depressed about it there is no other emotion that can be seen on my face. Today, I guess, it’s also exhaustion and somehow anger. But, not against Kei. I can have many doubts, but that’s not one of them.

“So what’s the dilemma?”, she wants to know.

“Just what I said: he has noticed that I’m trying to move on, finally, or… again. I mean, I said he was wrong because I wasn’t kissing Yuji on purpose, or not because of that, but I guess he thought that I could, and…”. I feel dizzy just by remembering our conversation, even if it was so short. So far, I think it’s the first time he is so direct with me about this, and I still don’t know how to feel. “And he wanted to, too. Right or wrong, he saw I was doing something he can’t, and got scared and anxious about it”.

“But that makes no sense”. Hitoka is trying to act neutral, for the first time. “He can do it. He is the one who said you were free to be with whomever”. That’s true, so I don’t interrupt her. “Why does he say he can’t?”.

“I suppose that’s because he hasn’t got there yet”. 

Yet . I’m aware of my words, because that’s something that perhaps Kei hasn’t considered. I know he has thought about it; he told me about Kuroo and the rest, so, that means he wants to, right? And then it’s Kenma’s birthday…

When we talked, he wasn’t that clear about what happened during the party, but I know he disappeared with Kuroo. Then, both of them acted distant, and Kei left their house. Did they fight? Did they do something else? I have no idea, but I’m sure it has to do with all the things Kei is taking into consideration for the first time.

Until now, it’s always been me. No one has been that relevant for him, to the point of having an affair or relationship. Especially the first one, since he is so scared of the second. But if his friends are offering him something different, or if he just changed his mind, then… 

“ I suppose Kuroo and I are… getting along, after all ”, he said.

It’s a matter of time that relationship will grow to something different, and perhaps what scared him before was that he tried and couldn’t, but apparently I can. I did, actually. Maybe not now, but I did in the past. I’ve done it a few times, even if, at the end, I always come back to him. Just as always.

Ah, damn it…  I said I wouldn’t defend him, and here I am. There is no way I can’t come to understand what he says or feels, because, somehow, I do so myself too. The only difference is that even if I try to move on, my steps always lead me home, which is him. I think that if he fears taking them ahead, if I fear it too, it’s because once he starts walking, maybe he doesn’t remember where he comes from.

He will move on. On the other hand, I’m just trying and failing. Over and over…

“I think I will leave now”, Hitoka says, all of a sudden.

As that’s surprising for me, I look up to her to notice she is staring at my back. When I turn around, I see Yuji resting against the columns of Karasuno’s entrance. The light is always on here at the porch, so a yellowish bright shine over him making it pretty obvious that he is not having a good time.

I mean, it’s not that he is sad or angry at all, but he was… Listening. He was paying attention to our conversation, so he knows he should not laugh.

He usually tries to bring his sense of humor to any chat we have so I don’t feel that down, but just as I was trying to show Hitoka, today’s fight with Kei was different. It wasn’t a fight at all, to start with and, still, it felt worse than one. 

I’m glad Yuji is here, that he starts walking towards me with such a supportive attitude. I don’t really want jokes tonight.

Actually, I don’t even want to hear the truth.

“Sorry about the eavesdropping”, he says.

As I say bye to Hitoka, I smile at him with a soft and tender smirk. To be fair, I’m glad he did. I don’t want to go all over it again.

“It’s fine”, I admit. “I would have told you anyway”.

“Really?”. That surprises him somehow. “Perhaps you would have wanted me to not know about it”. My fastest response is frowning. I always tell him everything. Okay, I do since he is back, because we never talked once he left, but… He knows I’m okay with telling him what goes on.

He played a huge role in my life back in the day. In Kei’s too. So, that’s only fair.

“We are friends”, I say. “I like to hear my friend's advice”.

His smile is pure and sincere. We have talked about this, already. He offered himself to stay for a while longer, instead of leaving next week. But I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship, not with… someone that is not Kei. Instead of reacting like an idiot, he said he understood. Hitoka didn’t, but that’s another story. So now, we are friends. 

And that’s something that, I confess, annoys me too.

I suppose I could say Hitoka is right this time by calling me stupid. I told Kei myself to move on, to try, to experiment, even if the mere idea kills me inside. Then, why don’t I do the same? Even if Yuji is leaving, couldn’t we just…? Try?

“I think it’s normal that you both feel like you do”, he starts saying right at the same time he starts walking. Since he doesn’t go to Karasuno, he needs to head back to Johzenji. I’m okay with going with him. 

The more I delay my return to our room, the better for me… and for Kei.

“How do I feel?”. Since I didn’t talk about it with Hitoka, it surprises me he mentions it.

“Confused, I guess”, he says. “You really want him to be okay, to move on as you say, but you can’t bring yourself to follow your own advice”. That’s… exactly what I was thinking when he showed up. “I understand that he got hurt; to be fair, I didn't expect you to kiss me when the guys dare you to”. I can’t help it and I notice how I blush.

“You were close, and we have kissed already in front of them”. That’s all I thought when Noya started the countdown. Mostly because, even if I thought of jumping to Kei and kiss him instead, I feared he would push me away.

Now I know he wouldn’t, but at that moment… Damn it, not everyone knows about us. Which is weird, because it’s pretty obvious, but… Whatever.

“Don’t take me wrong”, Yuji says. “I liked it”. 

His playful wink is enough to make me smile. The blushing is still there, too.

“Still… Sorry”, I apologize. “I hate that game, it puts so much pressure on me”.

“That’s why people play it, Yammy”. He his me with the elbow on my ribs. “So we act under pressure. They say we make the most honest decisions when we have no time left”. As I stay silent, analyzing his words, he turns his face to me. “I don’t mean you…”.

“I know”. That’s not the matter. “I suppose that’s right; I thought of kissing Kei, but I started to panic because he never wants to kiss in public. And both Noya and Tanaka have no idea about us, so…”.

“That’s why you kissed me”. It’s me the one that turns his face now. It shocks me that I see him so… nonchalant. Smiling, even. “I’m glad I was there; otherwise, you would have paid again”. Yeah, that’s true. I giggle because, at the end, Tanaka lost and bought the majority of the pizzas. “Are you okay, Yammy?”.

God, no. I think I’m not, but the worst thing is that I don’t even know what’s tormenting me right now, if apparently, things are finally… fine. Or clear, at least.

“Is it normal that I still have hopes?”, I say. My voice is already shaky. “That even though I know he won’t want me like that, I still…”.

“He wants you like that”. His clarification feels like a punch in the stomach. “Don’t lie to yourself, please. You are already suffering enough because of this”.

We have arrived to Johzenji, and I haven’t even noticed we walked that much. Weren’t we talking all the time? Did we even stay quiet at all, for the walk to be over so soon? My mind is spinning around so fast I can’t even remember, and Yuji’s words are so direct that I’m not fast enough to bring up the shield and protect myself with it.

“Wouldn’t it be better like that?”, I ask. “If I convinced myself that he doesn’t want me, I would forget him sooner. There won’t be anything left for me, hopes wouldn’t make sense”.

“You have been telling that to yourself for years”. I look at the white and yellowish building of Johzenji because that’s the easiest thing to do now. “Has it worked already?”.

“No”.

“So you have been lying to yourself for nothing”. It’s a good way of saying so. “Why do you think it will be different now? Just because he has told you he feels bad? Because you have told him to stop holding onto what you guys have?”.

I turn a bit more so he doesn’t see how my further eye starts tearing up. It’s quite obvious the moment in which I wipe it up, but, thankfully, he says nothing about it. He doesn’t call me stupid, nor ridiculous. I do so myself, and I guess that’s enough.

“What do I do, then?”. My question comes out somehow broken, just as I feel. “I can’t be this anymore. Even if I love him, this is just…”.

“No, you can’t”. He agrees with me on that. “But I don’t think lying to yourself is the best option you have”.

“What is it?”.

“Just, be honest”. He sounds so confident it’s hard for me to understand what he means. “You both love each other, but you can’t be together because he’s doesn’t want long term commitment”. At least he doesn’t ignore reality. Hitoka would have just insulted him and continued talking. “Then, be as honest with yourself as you were with him, Yammy”. I bite my own lip as I start comprehending. “Move on. Keep trying. That doesn’t mean you have to stop loving him, but perhaps you do. Or maybe not, maybe you can’t stop. But it’s only one year, isn’t it? You told me, you said you both are parting ways at the end of the year”.

Not the literal year, but the scholar one. That’s true. He is supposed to move away, and I’m… well. I’m staying here, or perhaps being sent overseas. No one knows, not even us, but the truth is, we won’t be together next summer.

And I would hate myself for being still stuck to our past once I have to say goodbye.

“I’ve tried”, I say. “But I always come back to him”.

“Maybe that’s not bad?”. Those words are so different from everything I have in mind that I can’t avoid looking directly at him. “Maybe going back is not wrong, but doing so with the wrong idea”. 

I start frowning, but my confusion doesn’t allow me to do it plenty. As I stay silent, he takes a few steps ahead towards his frat’s entrance. He never leaves my side, not completely, but I already feel lonely, especially since I don’t get what he means.

I’m glad he turns back to clarify.

“I think what you both should do is accept what you feel and the fact that you can’t go any further”. That’s too simple for what he actually tries to say. “Embrace your feelings, Yammy. Being in love can suck if it’s not reciprocrate, but you two are. You can’t be together, okay, so what? Enjoy what you have!”. I look down because it’s still too simple. “Loving, liking, feeling attracted… That’s something so freacking cool, I can’t believe it can still make you two feel bad”.

The truth is, it usually makes him feel like that. Emotions work like that with Kei; he rejects them all, even the good ones, and because of that, I’ve learned to reject them too. At first I was okay with not being his boyfriend; I still had him next to me, we were and are best friends, we kiss and make love from time to time. In private, we still act as if we were something more, and… So far, that never stopped me from being with other people.

Until it did. Especially in relationships like the one I had with Yuji, in which I just accepted I could not love him back. 

Embracing our relationship is easy till you see it will never grow. Kissing him is cool until I remind myself that I only kiss him as a friend. Perhaps Yuji is right, and I need to start asumming, for once and all, that it will always be like this. One day he may find someone else, or I will do so myself, and our friendship will become something usual. 

In fact, I never told him I will be gone. As I encouraged him to find his own path, I also let him know I will be home whenever he comes back. And… I think Yuji only wants to prove a point. A fair point.

“I think none of you will move on if you never stop suffering because of what it could be but it’s not, instead of enjoying what it really is”. The punch I feel now on my stomach feels different than the one before. “And, drama aside, I think what you guys have is awesome”.

He used to say that too back in the day. “ You like each other, be with each other for as long as you share paths. Even if it won’t be forever, it has been for a long while. Why does it make you feel so sad? Why what you lack matters more than what you have? ”.

People like Kei think that Yuji is just a prick with no brain that doesn’t care about anything relevant in life. Since he was my boyfriend, my only so called boyfriend so far, I can say they are all so wrong. He is tender, wise, gentle and kwos how to use his time to do what he really wants. So far, I think he is the happiest from everyone around me.

And he has loved, too. He has been rejected. They have broken his dreams on the way.

Positivism can be too greedy, a cover up to hide what really happens. But, in my case with Kei, perhaps he is right. Perhaps I just need to be real, and accept that, even if I will always be hurt for not being with him, we’ve been together, somehow, for almost fifteen years. Whatever we were, we still are. Even if he moves on, even if I do. Until one of us fall in love again with someone else, it will always be us. 

Maybe we don’t have to choose between them two.

Maybe we need both so the future doesn’t hurt that much.

“Anyway”, he says, now moving forward. “Whatever you decide, I think you should give yourself some credit, Yammy. There is nothing wrong on wanting to try, even if you don’t renounce to have hopes”.

I suppose that’s how my life have been for the past years. I never say no, to either him or to letting him go. This may mean I’m too avaricious, or that I’m too stupid, but I can’t be nothing else. I can stay forever next to Kei, but I can’t go away while he is still here.

“But there must be something wrong on having hopes while I still try to let them go”, I say, still ashamed.

“You’ think so?”. He, on the other hand, considers something different. “In my opinion, and since you both have consented this, I think is the most clever thing to do”. I notice just now that I stopped crying, but I don’t remember when. “Give it a go”, he offers me. “You both having the freedom to do as you want while still having each other? Man, that’s epic”. Somehow, that helps me smile. “I think he is a lucky bastard”.

“Me too, then”, I say.

Yuji bites his lower lip while looking up. He takes a deep breath and then he smiles while glancing back at me. I feel red all of a sudden. 

“Don’t take me wrong, Yammy, but from the two of you, there is only one with whom I would change myself with”. And that’s not me. Yeah, I’m totally blushing. “You know it already”, he winks an eye to me. “I have a thing for freckled boys”.

God, he is saying that because my freckles must be too noticeable right now, right? Ah, damn, I want to cover up. Why does he always manage to make me so shy? For fuck’s sake, we were together! Shouldn’t I be used to it already? 

Why is he so effective after so long?

“Good night, pretty boy”, he says. “It’s always a pleasure helping you out”.

He is so honest when saying things like that, that there is no way I can feel ashamed or bad for how I feel. Yes, sometimes I still fear that he is actually being ironic. Or at least, I used to do, when being together while I was still in love with Kei. In fact, I still am, and he has been clear when telling me he doesn’t care. That, as long as both Kei and I are on the same page, he is fine with whatever makes me feel okay.

Which makes me wonder… is Yuji one of those things ? Since he came back, I’ve taken refuge in him to deal with coldness in my relationship with Kei. And, so far, I’ve felt so good that the only thing I regret is having lost contact with Yuji during the years. 

But I’m also aware of where I’m dealing with my pain; he is not mere friend of mine. Even if time has gone by, he still feels something for me. Something he has accepted, that he has learned to live with… and embrace it, as he says. Therefore, his presence next to me has a double meaning. He is not only an old friend supporting me, he is someone that also cares about me in a way no one does. Not… Not even Kei, since he can’t go that far.

It’s always a pleasure helping you out , he said. But, is it even fair from me to ask for his help at all? I suppose the problem here is not me requesting it, but not accepting that he is willing to give it to me in any way possible.

And sometimes you just have to take what they are offering you, because the truth is, you want it just as much as they want to give it to you.

“Yuji”, I call him before he reaches for the knob of Johzenji’s building. He turns around, faster than I manage to walk. He waits, though. He does so till I arrive under the porch. “Thanks for helping me”.

I feel like a stupid teen when I get closer and I kiss him. The tinggles, the chicken skin. My whole body shakes as I bring my right hand to his face to feel his warmth as our lips meet again tonight. This time, Noya is not telling me to do so. I choose it freely, I haven’t done so because someone else wouldn’t want to kiss me back. I’ve kissed him because I wanted to, just as I haven’t before because I was scared of hurting him. 

But, God, I feel so attracted to Yuji, I can’t deny how much I like him. It may not be more than that, sadly, but what he makes me feel brings me so much joy, I don’t want to push it away just because I get the wrong idea.

Still, we separate after a short while. Our mouths, at least, since we are still pretty close.

When I’m able to open my eyes, I see him staring right at my lips. The exact moment in which he licks his lower one, I feel my legs shaking.

“Was that a dare?”, he asks with a low voice.

“It was… more of a truth, actually”, I shily answer.

His smile expresses so much satisfaction that it is so easy to be infected by it. 

“Can I go for another truth myself?”, he asks, to which I slowly nod. “I want to kiss you back”. Even if that was expected, I still tremble in nervousness. “I want to kiss you so fucking much”.

I told Kei to do whatever he wanted. To look for another path. To finally understand himself, to learn from his emotions, even if those have nothing to do with mine. Therefore, me doing the same should not be that bad. Me doing the same… is just fine, right?.

“You can do it”, I say. “If you want to, you…”.

He wants to, and he does.

The difference between him and I is that Yuji goes all in. Literally, his tongue tangles with mine so fast I pull back just by surprise. The piercing he has at the tip plays with me as I’m back at kissing him. My hand was still close to his face, even if it now lays on his shoulder, nervously. Both his, though, are on my hips bringing me closer to him.

That’s all I need to wrap my arms around his shoulders.

That’s all he needs to walk me to the nearest wall and push me against it.

The kiss gains an intense rhythm in just a few seconds. Breathing turns out as a complicated task to achieve. I can hear his intensity, his moans as they start to turn out louder as we keep kissing. There is not a single thought inside my head that tells me we should stop. Not, at least, until his hands slide underneath my jersey and scratch my belly.

After that, I push him slightly so we can break apart.

“Yuji…”, I whisper. I know he looks for my eyes, but mine are staring at nothing between us, full of shame. “I don’t…”. My words don’t come out. “It’s not fair, you, me…”.

“Hey”. Attracted by the softness of his voice, even after kissing me so desperately, I decide to face him and find his complete acceptance. In fact, I see more than that. I see passion, I see love. I see… so much fun. How? How can he be like that, after all I’ve done to him?. “Don’t you think something so stupid”, he says. “I’m totally fine”.

“This is cruel”, I insists. Fuck, I don’t want to cry again. “You are so good to me, and I’m playing like a fool while…”.

“Did I ever say I don’t want to play?”. No, he has never said such a thing. “I love to play, Yammy. For fuck’s sake, if you are a game, then you are my favorite”. Again, he manages to make me smile even when my eyes are tearing. He sees my pain, and then grabs my hands. “If you don’t want, then I'll stop. But if you think I don’t want…”. His eyes devour me from heads to toes. I feel all the shivers running through my spine. His fingernails scratch my skin once more, and my breath comes out in short sighs. At least, till he looks directly at me once more, and I stop breathing completely. “You should know me by now”.

Yes, I do.

Even if we don’t talk for years, he hasn’t changed a thing. Somehow, neither have his feelings. I can’t believe there is someone out there other than Kei that can feel so attracted towards me to the point of looking at me like that. How is that even possible? After how our relationship ended, should he hate me? Wouldn’t it be easier to push me away rather than pulling me closer.

I suppose that’s my point of view, but it’s not his. His, apparently, proves that no matter what, he still has feelings towards me. Feelings I sadly can’t reciprocate.

“And you should know I’m not…”. I try to use words that could help me express myself easily, but I fail. “It’s so unfair to you”.

Before I dare to say anything else, he lifts my face with both hands so I look at him again. Even if my message was clear, it hasn’t affected him in any way. Not in any that I could possibly imagine.

“Let me decide what’s fair for me or not, okay?”. Once again, shame makes me tremble right before his nose fondles mine. A cute gesture followed by so much heat. “I’m fine with it. I’m so fine with what we are, Yammy”. Only friends. Friends that can act as if they were more than that. Just like Kei and I, but this time I’m the one cutting us off.

Another difference is that Yuji seems to be one hundred percent okay with this. I, on the other hand, struggle with what Kei wants for both of us. I guess I don’t have a say on what this guy wants or doesn’t from our relationship. Perhaps it’s just my fear what stops me, and all I should do is accept that he is okay and let myself go.

“ You told Kei to move on ”, I listen inside my head. “ Why don’t you do so too? If you understand Kei, why aren’t you comprehensive with yourself? ”.

“I have a single room”, Yuji tells me with a hungry voice. Yeah, I know that. He used to live alone when being in college, and since he is here for over a month, they have given him another room for himself. I haven’t been here since he came back, we’ve been always around Karasuno. Now, though, he is inviting me to come in to Johzenji. With him. “You can go home, if you want, but I would love you to stay the night”. I slide slightly down the wall. I’m taller than him, just a few centimeters, but somehow I always feel smaller. And I don’t… dislike it, at all. “So? What’s inside that head of yours?”.

The short smile he shares is so incredibly hot, I breathe out quite nervously. 

There is nothing wrong in doing this, isn’t it? We are grown-ups, friends, we can do as we want. We both know what we want, and what we can give back from it. I can do this, as much as Kei can do whatever he wants. Perhaps, knowing about this would hurt him, but just as it would hurt me knowing where he went before.

I guess that’s something that we can’t avoid happening. Since we will never be together, pain is inevitable for us. Getting over it now would make things easier for the future. If we face it soon enough, maybe we don’t hurt each other that much. Maybe, just maybe, we can still be the friends we are supposed to be, after all.

“I want to go with you”, I decide, to what Yuji’s eyes open widely, as if my words were a nice surprise. “Even if I can’t offer anything else, if you are okay, I want…”.

“You bet I am”.

And just like that, he kisses me back, and I let myself go.

We are still outside the building when I spread my legs slightly, spread my legs so he can get closer. His body is burning, his heartbeats are about to explode. Mine, shaky as it is, starts to connect with his as soon as my temperature reaches the warmer limits.

Our tongues play together as he starts looking for his key. God, I’ve missed what his piercing makes me feel. How stupidly entertaining is it to kiss while that tiny ball messes around with our saliva. My hairs stand on end as I try to breathe in normally. When he breaks apart, I feel weak again.

He pushes the gates and brings me in. It’s been a while since my last visit to this building; I can’t believe we weren’t here since he came back. Still, I know where we are. The destiny is still a surprise to me, but I’m gladly surprised to see we are not surrounded by many rooms once we get there.

I’m not particularly noise in bed, but he brings the worst from me. Or the best.

He opens and then I close at our back. Yuji doesn’t waste time turning the lights on, so I follow him to the only bed the moon light falls on through the window. This is obviously not a long term residential room. For what we are about to do, it's more than enough.

“Come here, Yammy”, he groans at me, excited as he is. I approach him as he gets rid of his jersey, and then starts unbuttoning his inside shirt. When I’m about to do the same with my clothes, he stops me to do so himself.

A bare chest Yuji undresses me as if we were on a rush. I don’t blame him. Since he has showed himself to me, even if it’s just a tiny fraction of skin, I’m in a hurry to get naked too.

When he takes me to bed, all I’m wearing are my jeans. My trainers are on the floor, my socks too. Him, on the other hand, is still half covered with the unbuttoned shirt. I decide to take it away myself, sliding my hands over his shoulders and pushing it down. He is so warm I forget we are living one of the coldest autumns I remember. He is so hot, I can’t remember how or why did I leave Karasuno without a coat or a scarf, to begin with.

Thankfully, now I need nothing. No clothes, no accessories. As I sat on top of him and we kiss, all my body wants is him.

“Fuck, Yammy”, he tells me with a short giggle. “You got fitter”. 

Kei told me the same when we met after the summer. It’s impossible for me to not think of that, because all that came to mind at that moment was that he could have been there while I was exercising on my own. But Yuji wouldn’t know. Because I decided to cut ties with him, and like that, we missed plenty of things. Like me getting fitter, like him growing up into an even hotter man.

“Actually, I’m losing all I gained during summer”, I say with a shy voice.

“It’s fine”, he says. “You know I loved you when you were slim”. He did. I don’t think there is a moment in which he wouldn’t like me. Thinner or bigger, stronger or weaker. The way he looks at me, even in the dark… I’ve never seen something like that. “I still love how you look now”, he confirms. “I love all those freckles around”.

“You can’t see them”, I joke as I give him soft kisses that slowly turn into something more needy. 

“I don’t need to”, he says. “I remember them all”.

He scratches all the way down over my back till he reaches my trousers and squeezes over them. I hold my breath as I get closer to him, chest to chest, and he uses the strength of his arms as he grabs my butt cheeks to lift me and turn me around. 

I fell against the mattress and he gets on top of me. The kisses we share start to leave my mouth and go south. He plays with both his lips and tongue all over my chest. The playful piercing of his makes me tremble whenever it touches my nipples. I start to shrink like a stupid worm once he starts devouring me around. As he gets to my pants and brings them down, I fist his hair and start pulling from it as a sign of joy.

So much joy.

My underwear is still on its way down when he starts to eat me out. I’m not fully hard yet, but he won’t need from long to get me there. He gets my sac inside his mouth and begins to suck as I wrap him with my legs. My dilemma now resides in what to do next: show him how much I enjoy this while I play with his hair, or leaving his blonde stands behind and use my hands to cover my moans instead. I divide myself and do both; my left palm tries to silence myself vainly, and the right starts putting so much pressure on his scalp.

Yuji jerks me off as he blows me too. He massages my balls as he sucks my tip, getting me there, right where I want to be. I know I’m going to lose myself when he brings a finger to my whole, and as he starts prepping me, I’m already bending my legs over so he can find his way in whenever he wants.

It’s been… a while, since I don’t have sex with someone that is not Kei. Actually, I even think the last one was a girl. Somehow, the fact that this is Yuji and not a random dude, makes it more special to me. I remember how he fucks, I know how much I loved it and, therefore, my body reacts as if every pore of my skin remembered it too.

He hasn’t changed, either. He still touches me as if he never forgot where I love to be touched. Because he clearly knows how I like it to be done.

When he brings a finger in, he lays on his side next to me to observe how I react. Back in the day, at the beginning of our relationship, this made me blush way too much, but it never made me feel uneasy. If so, it made me feel loved, cared of. He makes sure I’m okay all the time, and he knows the best ways to do so while also keeping me horny.

“Open yourself more”, he groans on my ear. “Spread those legs, Yammy”.

I do so as I grab onto his arm for moral support. As much as I try to cover my mouth, the moans still go out as he fingers me. First, just to get me ready. Then, when I accept him, he brings two more fingers in at once, and I dig my nails into his skin as a response.

He know when my loudest noises are about to come out, so he comes closer to kiss so he can get them all. I frame his face with my hands as he keeps on fucking me with his hand. I’m already as hard as he can get me like that, but still he looks for more. On his knees, he devours me as his hand remains skilled between my legs. As my dick twitches, I feel the huge need of jacking myself off as he’s busy further down.

But as soon as I try to reach for my erection, he leaves my insides and holds my wrist tightly to stops me.

My eyes open widely, looking for his cheeky gaze.

“No way”, he says. I wasn’t going to talk but, still, he bites my lower lip to stop me from doing so. “That’s mine to do”.

“Do it, then”, I beg. I wish I sounded bossier, but all I can do is react as a needy slut. God, I feel so ashamed sometimes. I feel so embarrassed by how much I love to do this. I wiggle as if the mattress was burning me alive. “Yuji, please, do it”.

“No”, he refuses, as he kills his own smile on another kiss on my lips. It’s so deep, so passionate, I even lift myself a bit when he tries to pull back. “Not yet”. I groan in pain and agony. I really am this horny. “I will do something else first, okay?”.

“What?”. I need to know so I can hold myself back. If not, I will keep on rubbing against his body as I’m trying to do, looking for attention, for his hands all over me again.

He’s about to answer when he softly kisses my lips to slow me down. As a lullaby sang just in time to calm the beast… or to wake it up completely.

“I’m gonna fuck you”, he whispers into my ear. My eyes roll back as his breath and words tickle me. “I’m gonna fuck you to the moon and back”.

My mouth opens because my nose is unable to take as much air as I need. When he gets between my legs and bends them to my chest, I know I’m ready for this, but perhaps not as much as I thought I would.

He unzips his jeans and starts jerking himself off. He kisses my neck, he bites me everywhere, and the sound of his breathing mixed with the wetness of his hand is pure bliss to my ears. The sensation I get when his tip presses on my entrance is impossible to describe. All I know is that my body begs for more, that I crawl on my back to him so he can push further, and that my knees press on my chest as he lays on top of me. 

On his knees and using his fists to stay in balance on the mattress, he looks over me as he tortures me with a dig that never fulfills. 

I shake again, I try to get it in myself, but fail.

“So greedy”, he jokes with a cocky smile. “You’ve always been so impatient”.

“And you…”, I try to speak, but my lungs don’t respond. “And you’ve always been such an ass, Yuji”. That makes him laugh.

“Talking about asses…”. He gets his dick in and the weight of his body falls over me. My legs spread all the way, and we almost touch nose to nose. Next time he talks, I know he won’t sound as firm. “I love yours”, he says, out of breath. “I love how tight you are”.

He is not full in yet, but I can already feel so much by just a few thrusts. My eyes roll back again, unable to stay still as he starts fucking me deeply. The rhythm is still on a low pace, but as long as I start sobbing, he takes it as an invitation to get faster.

That’s… exactly what I want.

I wrap my arms over his shoulders to keep him closer as he pounds. The groans he shares are so hot that stimulate me as I try to deal with all the pleasure running over my spine. I don’t know when do I cross my legs on his back, but when I do, he gets all in and I start biting his neck in response. It feels so good, it feels so deep that my toes twitch almost as much as my dick does. And, still, I can’t jerk off. When I try to bring a hand down to do so, he grabs my wrist and move me away.

Both my arms are lifted over my head. His forehead presses against mine as he looks at me with violent yet passionate eyes.

“Don’t”, he orders me. “I want to do that”.

“I want you to do it now”, I cry out. “Fuck, Yuji, I could cum right now”.

“Exactly”, he smirks. “It’s too soon”.

His thrust turn out so deep and fierce that we bounce in bed as he fucks me. Whichever intentions I had, they disappear as I notice I could not do a thing other than l exist. He still presses my hands against the mattress, and his hips start pushing us both to the top of the bed as he keeps fucking me desperately.

If he wants me to last longer, this won’t do.

I think he notices, because not long after I start leaking like a tap, he pulls back and my body reacts with a strong cramp. I have no time to get over it when he is turning me around to face the sheets. As I try to bend my arms and use them to lift myself up, he grabs my hips and brings me closer. Like magnets, his dick gets inside my ass and I groan in shock.

He silences me by pressing my head against the pillow.

I could say I can’t breathe, but the truth is, I couldn’t even if I would be free. Therefore, all I do is shake as he thrust against my body. I can’t stay on my knees even if I try; clumsy as I feel, I always fall back down.

The noisy pleasure that takes over him takes me to another level. He’s always been so clear, so open to show how this makes him feel, that it’s so easy to enjoy sex just as much as he does. I think he has been the person I’ve learned the most over the years, other than Kei. Yuji has taught me to be freely, to not be ashamed. And as his backshots crash me against the bed’s headset, I notice that thanks to his intensity and the rubbing against the sheets, I’ve already cummed.

If it wasn’t because I’m still hard as fuck, I would tell him to stop. If it wasn’t because I want him to keep going, I would say a thing. But I don’t, because I want more.

Fuck, I want so much more.

I use my palms to stay still when he lifts my chin with both hands interlaced on my throat. I’m so weak I can’t do much myself, but I still manage to stay on four as he fucks me deeper. My hard on never disappears. The pleasure is still over the top, and as he steps on the mattress to fuck me harder, all I do is moving my hips against his dick so I can join the trip.

He slows down for a short while as I do the job. I have no idea where the strength comes from, but I make good use of it to fuck myself and also him while I can. His groans sound needier now, also fragile. I love to hear that. 

I love to see he can lose his mind to me too.

“Yammy…”, he grunts. “God, Yammy, you are so good”. As a puppy that reacts to his owner’s praise, I move slowly but smoothly. I get him all in, and I feel how his hands on my throat start shaking. He gets so tense he starts choking me, and that’s just what I need to bring him deeper inside. “Fuck”, he cries out. “Yes, baby, milk me. Take me all in”. I do as he says, and my legs start to turn into jelly. He notices so, and therefore his left hand comes down to my hips to keep me in place as he brings my head closer to his. I feel his heartbeats on my back, as if they were about to go through me. “Fuck, Yammy, I’m gonna cum”. That doesn’t stop me. “I’m gonna cum. I’m gonna cum”, he repeats. “I’m…”.

We share control as he starts thrusting against me again, but I never stop moving, as I know he is emptying himself inside of me. 

It’s not till the last drop is out that his body weight presses over mine so we both fall on the mattress. Every muscle of my legs hurt right now, but the sensation is still priceless.

“Yammy…”, he sobs. He sounds so cute doing so that I smile. “I’ve missed you”. He kisses my shoulder. “If you stay for the night, I promise you tomorrow I will bring you churros”. Now, I chuckle.

I could panic by just listening to him but, instead, I take it as a compliment and a proof that this can work out without any bond. Because I feel good, and he does too. I suppose that’s the key; both being on the same page of the book. If any of us suffered, then this won’t make any sense. That’s what I tried to tell Kei, and I think he has finally understood.

That I have, finally, done so too.

We can keep what we have while we both know what we want from it. It doesn’t matter if it’s Yuji or Kei, or if it’s even me. Two can’t work out if one doesn’t know what goes on. And so far, tonight, I’m aware of the path this is taking. At least, with Yuji.

I guess with Kei I still have a lot to figure out. 

“Churros are fine”, I say, so I decide to stay the night.

Then, my host manages to stand up and go for tissues to clean us both. I can’t move for a while, but that doesn’t stop us from chatting, bringing memories back and have a good night. At some point, we go for a second round. A slower and calmer one, but filled up with the same passion and intensity. When we finish, I feel even better than before.

I really hope this can last. For Yuji, of course, but also for Kei. For myself. 

I really hope we can all live happily and none of us fuck it up.

If so, then I wonder what will happen. If we really ruin what we are, then I’m afraid that what I feared the most, that was us separating forever, will be our only chance.

Chapter Text

BOKUTO

In some places, Sunday is the first day of the week and not the last. That’s been always interesting to me, especially since, it doesn’t really matter where it is, Sunday always means rest. Even on religions, that’s the day given to spirituality, also to reunions, connection with nature or any other kind of awareness activity that can bring us alive.

In other words, it’s the day of forgetting we are fucking working machines. But, ironically, lots of people still work on Sunday just so those who use said day to rest can rest… properly. And with properly I mean none of the above, because it’s been a long time since resting has changed into consuming, and that’s why million of humans can’t have the first or last day of the week to themselves, but to others that actually are free on Sunday.

And I think that’s horrible.

Why am I thinking about that right now? Well, because even if I’m supposedly part of the group that rests on the last (or first) day of the week, I’m also a stupid kind of particularity that uses his free day to work. Not always, but sometimes.

Like today.

Yeah, I woke up at eight thirty to go to the office and work a bit on our actual project, since Kuroo wasn’t coming today. We are ahead of schedule, but not thanks to me, and that makes me feel sick to the stomach. Okay, I work hard, no one can say otherwise, but compared to my mate, I’m nowhere even close to what someone in my situation would do. And even if I know I don’t need to push myself forward, that what I do is more than enough to be excellent, it still sucks to see my friend doing more than usual just to reach my level. As if that would be necessary. As if comparisons would help anyone at all.

At least he doesn’t take it badly. Or, better said, he doesn’t think it’s my fault. The only thing that annoys him to the point of calling me out is me being late, or sleepy while we work. To that… I’m sorry, man, but I can’t help it.

I’m not made of stamina as he is. It doesn’t matter the day, the season or the health status he has, he commits to his schedule and manages to make the most out of it. 

And then it’s me.

I try! If I succeed it’s simply because I’m way too good at my job, but not because I work hard or take it more seriously than the rest. I’m a lucky bastard… And I am in every aspect of my life. Especially, in love.

As I make my way out of my campus and head towards the fraternities’ area, I see Keiji standing still in front of Nekoma. He seems pretty mad, but not in a serious way, because otherwise he wouldn’t be in public. But he has his arms crossed to the chest, and he barely blinks as he stares deeply to the gates of the building between the trees surrounding the fence.

I mean, I know why is he here, so it’s not astounding. Still, it’s fun to me.

“Just so you know, babe: Kuroo is at home”, I point out.

If I do so it’s just so I can share a laugh afterward. As I stand next to my boy, he never looks at me, just in case. Ah, man, I love the childish pout he has on.

“I know”, he says.

Because he’s not waiting for Kuroo. Our friend didn’t even sleep here tonight, he went home to Kenma, who, by the way, must be mad as hell because his boy has come back to college on Sunday again. But, that aside, my boyfriend is also mad. Not in the same way. Not even that serious, but enough to be here since who knows when.

So far, I can say he hasn’t slept a lot. After we were left alone at the court last night, poor Keiji has been paranoid nonstop.

I guess that’s why he is here now, in front of Nekoma, where Kuroo is not.

But Tsukki is.

“He hasn’t left yet, huh?”, I ask, to what my boy shakes his head. “How sure are you about it? Kuroo says he left when he was asleep, so perhaps he woke up in the middle of the night, saw he wasn’t at Karasuno, and left without…”.

“I’ve seen Yaku”, he says. “He tried to get it one hour ago, but saw Kei sleeping on Tesso’s bed and left again”.

“And how long have you been here?”.

“One hour and a half”. I keep it cool and I don’t laugh. “He doesn’t pick up his phone”.

“I mean… Kuroo is exhausting, he must be…”. Keiji finally moves from the building sight, but now he is focused on me, and the sensation is not that pleasant. It’s fun, though. “Sorry”, I joke. “I thought you would understand”.

Our friend is quite frenetic in bed, and Tsukki is new to his charms, so, I totally understand why our dino friend is still asleep. Or was, at least, because I haven’t been here for long and I can already tell I must have been attracting good luck, since the guy is finally leaving Nekoma’s frat.

As he crosses the door frame, he notices we both are here. He is still trying to get on his jacket. Wait, it’s not his jacket. That’s Kuroo’s jacket from Nekoma. Ah, boy, I can sense Keiji burning in jealousy next to me.

I’m surprised Tsukki doesn’t turn around and leave through the back door.

“Hey”, he says, actually. I think he’s kinda red, but he’s facing the ground, so it’s hard to say. “Morning”.

“MORNING?!”, Keiji yells out of his lungs. I expected it, and that’s why I only laugh, but Tsukki is not used to this side of my man, so he actually jumped back in shock. Now he’s looking straight up at us. Well, to him. He only turns to me so I can offer him a hand. “How dare you say morning after what you’ve done!?”. 

“Because… it’s morning?”. Tsukki is clearly so confused. “Man, I didn’t sleep for that long. It’s only ten in the…”.

“If you say morning once more I will kick your ass”.

Ok, now I can’t hold back my laugh and that brings both their attention. I only focus on Tsukki because the poor man is threatened by one of his best friends, and he still has no idea why. I mean, he knows why , but it’s hard to understand he is not being that serious.

But that’s Keiji’s way to show he cares. It’s just… you have to get used to it.

“Something tells me you are pissed”, Tsukki jokes.

“Pissed?!”. I rub my hand on Keiji’s back so he calms down a bit. I’m glad he does. “Man, you have fucked with Tesso!”.

“And how is that any surprise to you?”. Fairly, that’s true. But that’s also not what is driving my boy crazy. “You guys saw that coming. You have been joking about it for weeks, and now you act as if…?”.

“I’m not surprised, you jackass!”, Keiji points out. “I’m sad!”. Tsukki, again, looks for me for advice, but I remain silent so he can continue. “I was right there at the court too! And you picked him!”. Close to say are you kidding me, Tsukki turns to me once more with narrow eyes and a deep sigh. Then, he zips his jacket, well, Kuroo’s jacket, and brings his hands to its pockets. “Do you have any idea of how hurt I feel?”.

“Because I didn’t choose you?”, he says.

“I’ve been trying for six years to get your attention. And you go and give it to my bestie!?”. He points back as if said person would be here, but he is not. I even look for him, just in case. “Am I that… ugly?”.

“No?”, Tsukki says. He doesn’t sound as sure as he should, and that makes Keiji cover his mouth and open his eyes even wider. Our friend is sighing again. “I can’t believe we are having this conversation”.

“Me neither”. As he crosses his arms again, he turns around and starts walking away.

I decide to put Tsukki under my arm and walk him out with us.

“Don’t take him wrong”, I say. “He’s jealous, but healthy jealous”.

“He wanted to kick me in the ass”, my friend points out. I see Keiji nodding from upfront. “Friends don’t do that”.

He is mocking him too, and I love it. I’m glad he is not taking it seriously, but I wonder what makes him react so calmly. Is it that he knows my boy enough to not be worried, or is it that what happened with Kuroo made him feel relaxed to this point? It’s an interesting debate, but I highly doubt we are gonna have this conversation today.

That doesn’t mean I’m not gonna try to gossip about it.

“Friends tell friends what happened”, I tell him. “And so far, you haven’t said a word”.

“If you guys expect me to do a step by step of what happened last night, I’m afraid that’s not my thing”. Ah, damn it. It is my thing. Thank God Kuroo will tell me everything, full detailed, because I need to know!

But I won’t tell Tsukki. Last time I said what my best friend was saying, he almost collapsed and we started a morality war.  

“You could at least tell us how it was”, I say. Keiji has slowed down his walking so he can join us and gossip too. “Was it your first time bottoming? Because you don’t seem sore”. I think I go too fast and scare Tsukki a bit.

“What makes you think I was the one bottoming?”. 

Okay, he wasn’t scared, but offended. Somehow. I don’t know why.

The truth is, it’s pretty fun that he replies to my question with such nonsense. Keiji and I share a glance before bursting out laughing, and our friend stops walking. Again, offended.

“No one tops Tesso, Kei”, my boy says. “Well, Kenma sometimes, but not us”.

Some blushing appears on Tsukki’s cheeks. Busted.

“Also”, Keiji continues, “why are you so ashamed of bottoming? Are you saying being a bottom is something embarrassing? Because I am a bottom”.

He moved from jealousy after being rejected to being hurt because of his friend’s attitude towards bottoming. 

Poor Tsukki is about to lose his mind, and I bet he’s been awake for less than thirty minutes. No one can handle that much Keiji without a good breakfast. 

“I’m not ashamed, you jerk”, he says to my boy. “I was just… Well, whatever. It’s none of your business”. So he really isn’t gonna say a word.

“He is good, right?”, Keiji points out. “Tesso”. But our friend remains silent. That makes us both stare at him as we walk. He really acts as if the topic wasn’t over the table. “Come on, you really aren’t gonna say anything?”.

“Don’t rush him into talking”. I hear Kuroo’s voice before I even see him. We’ve reached the avenue, and he was about to cross the path towards Nekoma, but we cut the way. Both Keiji and I turn towards him, but Tsukki continues walking. “He’s still too overwhelmed”.

“I’m still trying to keep my cool and not hit you in the balls”, Tsukki says, then. If it wasn’t because Kuroo’s holding back his laugh, I would think he is serious. “I told you to wake me up”. Oh, so that’s why he is resentful.

“But you were so cute while sleeping”. My friend is not worried at all. “I didn’t imagine you would be one of those that hug the pillow with his mouth slightly open”.

I grab Tsukki’s arm before he steps forward to crash Kuroo’s head to the ground.

On the other hand, Keiji is making seal noises just imagining Kei sleeping. 

“And I’ve missed that”, he cries out. “Man, I’m so unlucky. Does he snore?”.

“Not at all”. They keep talking while I try to keep Tsukki under control. “He’s actually to cute, I’m sad you missed it”.

“Could you both stop?”, he asks. “God, you are annoying”. 

“ You are”, Kuroo defends himself. “Wasn’t my bed cozy enough for you, Your Highness? Because I don’t understand why are you mad at me for letting you stay the night”. 

He is still acting chill, so I don’t take any of these conversations seriously.

“Because I told you I wanted to get to Karasuno soon”. Apparently, there is a hidden reason behind those words. He even steps forward, now without my blocking, to lower down his voice and talk with him. “You didn’t even tell me you were leaving. What if Yaku came back and saw me there?”.

“He did”, Keiji says, making his friend turn around. “He went to check and saw you asleep, so he left again”.

Tsukki groans as he turns around to face Kuroo. Damn, my friend is enjoying this so much. I can’t help but feeling cheerful myself too. I mean, this has nothing to do with their attitude after Kenma’s birthday party. This is completely different. Even if they are provoking themselves as teenagers… There is actually nothing wrong with them.

I can’t believe this is really happening.

“You are unsufferable”, Tsukki says to my friend. 

“But you like me”, Kuroo mocks him. As the guy bites his lip to not answer back, Kuroo steps forward and hits his chin with his right index. “Come on, don’t be mad, Moonshine; I only thought it would be nice if you rested”.

“Not in your room”, he insists. “If there is something missing, it’s not my fault”.

I understand why he is worried about it; I never liked to stay somewhere I wasn’t fully invited, and this is not a single room. Yaku also lives there, and if he wasn’t as nice as he is, he could complain by being sent off his own place just so his mate’s hook up can stay the night. Not even with Kuroo, because that wouldn’t be that strange. Alone! Tsukki has been sleeping at Nekoma on his own!

I totally get why he is pissed.