Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Since that special night, Atlas found themselves more drawn to Anya. At first it was just the bigger picture with her, like the faint scent of her cigarettes that lingered. They always greeted her whenever they passed by each other, it was like a reflex. Her dark brown eyes were something they felt lost in. There were also the little things.
Her fierce gaze whenever she was really focused on a board game. The wispy laughs she’d give during their (now almost nightly) talks in the living quarters whenever Atlas said something stupid (but if she laughed, maybe she really thought it was funny!). And her smile…Something about it, just made Atlas felt extremely warm inside.

“Atlas? Atlas?”

They perked up, snapping back to reality. They were staring at the console, sitting down on their chair in the cockpit. Curly’s voice was clear.

“Oh, crap, sorry.” Atlas apologized, smoothening their hair.

Curly asked, “Are you alright?”

“Uh, yeah…Just spaced out.” They cleared their throat.

They tried to avoid his gaze. If they even so much glanced back, they would probably see the most pitiful look in his eyes, as if Atlas was a kicked puppy. That, and his piercing blue eyes would never leave them for hours. “Is something wrong?” He asked, “As co-pilot, you must be prepared for anything. No distractions.”

He says that like it’s their first day. But…He was offering to help. “Is there a memory or person you have that you just…Want forever?” They asked.

“Sure. You’re feeling homesick?”

“Oh, no.” They bluntly stated, “I mean…Like. When you experience it the first time, you want it to last forever.”

“Sounds like you’re longing for something. Hm.” That slight noise he made at the end bothered Atlas. Again, they felt like a new recruit.

“It’s not that weird.”

“Not saying it is,” Curly clarified, “Usually you’re distracted by anything else, but sounds to me like you’re…Pining.”

Ugh, that sounded so simple! Too simple, even! Atlas sighed, “How are you so sure, Captain?”

“Do you think about them?”

“It’s hard not to, but-!” They were cut off.

“All the time?”

Damn. “Well…Yeah.” They saw a smirk appear on his face. Atlas grumbled, “Okay, yeah, you caught me.”

The Captain looked away. “Good to know I’m right.” He said, “Though I should ask, who-?”
There was a soft knock at the door, cutting Curly off. He swiveled his captain’s chair to face it. “It’s open.” He told the person on the other side.

The door slid by revealing Anya. “Good afternoon, Captain and Co-pilot Atlas,” She spoke, “I still need both of you for evaluations today.” She looked over at Atlas, exchanging glances. Her eyelashes always stood out, but they looked prettier right now. A shiver went down their spine.

“Ah, it slipped my mind,” Curly admitted, he started to stand up, “Better to do it now than never, am I right?”

Anya smiled and nodded. Curly’s question sounded more like it directed towards them. Before they knew it, the two left the cockpit, and Atlas was alone with their thoughts. Was it enough that Anya was on their mind? Constantly, when they should’ve focused on their job?
Maybe she was just on their mind because…They were good friends. And…Surely, the nurse didn’t see their relationship anywhere close to romantic. This was just something Atlas was feeling, since there weren’t a lot of people on the Tulpar. Hell, maybe these feelings would blow over in a week. Nothing to worry about!

And yet, as they entered the medical room about an hour later, those feelings came back. With such a small room, there wasn’t much distance between them. All that separated them was Anya’s desk. If she was interested, all they had to do was lock the door and-

“How would you describe your sleeping schedule?”

“The what?” Atlas asked, blindsided by the nurse’s question.

For a moment, Anya stopped. A stutter in what should’ve been a quick assessment. She clarified, “Your sleeping schedule in the past few weeks, at least since our last evaluation.”

“Oh,” They gasped, “Um, fine.”

“Just ‘fine’? No changes at all?” Anya asked.

They stammered, rushing out an explanation, “I mean, I, I’ve stayed up a while longer than I should. I usually spend time with you, well into the night.

She hummed, “I suppose that disturbs your circadian rhythm. Anything else?”

“After that, it’s just kinda hard to sleep.”

“How so?” Her questioned sounded so simple.

And Atlas said, before realizing what they were about to spill, “My stomach hurts, and also my heart.”

“Oh my,” She gasped, “On a scale of one to ten…How bad is this pain?”

Atlas felt their face burning up. “…At worst it’s a five. But I like the pain.”

Anya was scribbling on her clipboard when she suddenly stopped at the mention. “You…Like this pain?”

Fuck!

“I-I mean, it hurts, but…” Think Atlas, think! They glanced at the books Anya had on her shelves. Most of them were provided by Pony Express (and issued by them), but a few were of her own personal collection, as she confessed one night. Their eyes scanned the titles…Until they saw “How can I be Human?” Huh, they never saw that one before.

“Atlas?” Anya called out to them. Oh! Right!

“The pain makes me feel human!” Atlas exclaimed, lightly pressing their hands against the desk and hunching over it. Anya just…Stared at them.

Slowly, she started to lightly tap their knuckles. They slowly sat back down. “I…I’m surprised by this development.” She said, once more writing against her clipboard, “But I recommend sleeping a little earlier for now…And if that pain you’re feeling,” Anya sighed, “If it gets any worse, please, don’t hesitate to find me.”

“…Even at night?”

Anya nodded. “Yes, especially at night.”

That cadence was very soft, especially for something that was meant to be so professional. Atlas reasoned to themselves. It’s just because she thinks I’m hurt or something. That’s all.

…

Just like that, nighttime came. The screen changed from that bloody, eye-piercing sunset to the more serene night sky. Atlas was still picking at their food. They barely had an appetite after what happened in the medical room. Hopefully Anya wouldn’t pick up their improv.

“Not hungry Atlas?” Daisuke popped into the living quarters.

“Eh…I had a rough day.” They admitted.

The young man chuckled, “Same here, I was trying to read some blueprints Swansea gave me, but like, I can’t understand most of it. So then I tried writing my own notes, but the pen I used was meant for ‘planning’ repairs. Ah, he got really mad at me.”
Sounded like a typical day for the engineers.
Daisuke asked, “So, what happened with you?”

“Ah…It’s a bit awkward.” They sighed, “Um, unrelated,” They lied, “But how do you know you’re in love?”

Something in the intern’s demeanor faltered. He didn’t seem offended, but surprised. Blindsided even, if Atlas wanted to be generous.

“I don’t know.” He admitted, his tone subdued. It was so strange to hear him like this. “I guess…You just hang out with them. Like, a lot.”
Well, it was worth a shot. Even if all Atlas got out of that was seeing Daisuke in a new light. Hopefully they’d never see him like that again.
“So…Who is it?”

“Huh?”

Daisuke repeated, “Who is it?”

“…Someone named Noneof Your Business.” Atlas playfully sneered.

He sighed, “No fair, you used that on me last week!”

…Oh yeah, they did. Damn, they were running out of material.

Atlas reasoned, being a bit more serious, “Look, I really don’t want to say. I don’t even know if I really love them.”

“…Maybe you can ask Swansea. Sometimes he talks about his wife.” Daisuke explained.
Huh…It wasn’t terrible advice. Especially since out of everyone (as far Atlas knew), the older engineer is married. Downside, Atlas would still have to talk to Swansea. With a topic so…Loaded, to say the least, best case scenario, he would shoo them and tell the co-pilot to be professional. Great.

Atlas placed their bowl in the sink. Some food remained, but they had effectively lost their appetite. “Thanks Daisuke, I’ll, uh, see if I can tomorrow.” They lied, keeping their tone neutral.

One of the doors slid open. Anya walked in, “Oh, good evening.” She glanced at Atlas. It was one of her more hardened stares. Her dark chestnut brown eyes were saying far more than she could in front of Daisuke. Especially with the evaluations being confidential (well, when they were happening at least).

Atlas sighed, “Hey Anya, I was just about to, well, head out.” They briefly said to Daisuke, “Goodnight.” Then they hummed the exact same sentiment to the nurse. “Goodnight…”

They headed out of the living quarters…Wow…Even a warning glare from her was…Something.

…They really needed to talk to Swansea. Tomorrow…Unless if they caught Anya roaming the halls. What could she do-Dammit, they needed to go to bed, it was too late for this!

…

They kept stirring, not even Rosebud, their old stuffed toy, could ease them. Usually the thing was their “cure-all” for their bouts of restlessness. Hopefully, they would never have to admit they still slept with a plushie. Petting the soft, faux fur of the labrador, they tried rationalizing their thoughts. It was kind of their version of counting sheep.

I’m not sure I’m in love (One…)

Anya probably isn’t interested (Two…)

We’re just friends (Three…)

She is pretty though, and my heart feels like it’s gonna burst when we’re close (Four…)

I hope she doesn’t think I’m a freak cause I said I liked pain (Five…!)

Unless…What if she liked that I liked pain (Six…?)

Maybe we can talk about it. Wait, no, she wants me to go to bed early, like I’m a kid (Seven…Wait, Atlas?)

She’s the nurse though, and she wants the best for me-For everyone (Eight…Atlas, focus on sleeping!)

What am I gonna tell her? That I lied about liking pain? (Nine, why aren’t you asleep yet?!)

She’s gonna be pissed. And she won’t forgive me. (Ten.)

Atlas blinked, yep, the ceiling was still there. And their chest was pounding like there was no tomorrow. It didn’t feel like they were dying, but it still ached. Crap, was this also longing, or whatever Curly yammered about? They sat up, Rosebud fell on its side.
“…Damn it Captain.” They said to themself, “I should’ve kept my mouth shut.”

Chapter Text

Anya stared at the pack of cigarettes. Her cherished Sopianae. She still cursed herself for not bringing another pack. So far, she’s only smoked a few cigarettes, but even then, it was a few too many. Especially since the Tulpar wasn’t even past the first leg of its voyage yet.
She wasn’t even stressed. Sort of. The nurse was just…Confused. Though, she guessed, maybe her confusion was too much, and now it was manifesting into stress, or some panic. Still, she was mixed on smoking tonight.
All because of one particular crew member.

Shortly after Atlas left, Daisuke asked, “Woah, you scared the co-pilot off!”

“Oh, did I?” Her tone, as she quickly realized, came out much softer than she meant.

“Not me though! You’re way scarier during game night!”

Hm, that she could believe. There usually wasn’t any stake just playing, but the taste of victory overruled her usual musing.

Daisuke added, grabbing a packet of water and turning away, “Night Anya!”

“…Goodnight Daisuke.”

She was left in the lounge, alone with her thoughts and the screen in front of her. Now, she was cradling the Sopianae pack between her hand and the pocket of in her overalls. She was still debating if she was stressed enough to smoke.

Atlas had been acting strange lately. The psychological evaluation she had with them today weighed in her mind. She was so close to writing down “Possible masochistic tendencies” on the chart, but…Something felt off when Atlas talked about it. With them spacing out as well…Anya could only speculate the job was stressing them out. Who knows, maybe being a pilot meant you bore some sort of curse.

Or it was a Pony Express-specific issue. She wouldn’t know, out of all the other manned freighter companies, only Pony Express gave her the time of day.

She had plenty of other things to worry about anyways. Curly’s insomnia and his treatment (Well, the best that she and PE could deliver on), trying to get Daisuke to pay attention to the evaluations (He usually doodled. While he was great at art, PE would not take “Art Therapy” as an actual response or form of evaluation), Swansea’s…Entire demeanor (while she agreed the assessments were plain and not up to standards, she would’ve appreciated some level of trust and transparency from him), and oh of course, working hard enough to not be docked of her pay.
So, why was Atlas constantly at the forefront of her mind?

She pulled out a cigarette and reached in another pocket for her lighter.

…

Since she was young, she always looked up to the moon. Most nights in the month, she would long to be up there. It always looked so pretty. The stars…Not so much. Unlike what the screen in the living quarters showed her, the real sky back home showed a scarce few of them.
Maybe it was why she felt so at ease with the screen. How she could sleep so easily in the chilly ship. The heaters barely worked on the Tulpar, but this shipment specifically felt like the ship was on its last legs. She talked to Swansea once about it, but all she got in return was, “We’re all freezin’. Can’t work with miracles.”

Hopefully Daisuke would bring it up. Or maybe he could fix it himself…Hm, maybe that was a miracle in of itself.

Still, as much as she admired the screen, no one else seemed to see its beauty. Except Atlas. It was only during those nights, when the two of them would talk about anything (maybe even everything), where she felt…Listened to. At complete ease. A bond, or some kind of click. And they always, at some point while the two were together, would make a comment about the artificial sky.

“Moon looks beautiful tonight.”

“Look at all those stars!”

“Hang on, I think I see the Little Dipper. Huh, guess Pony Express can focus on the details.”

Anya wouldn’t even laugh, she’d just…Listen. As much as Atlas joked, she…Adored the sincerity of their words. Especially in these quieter moments.

The “L” word was something the nurse found hard to say, especially in her “adulthood”. Bitterness encased her, making life feel like it lost most of its beauty (aside from the moon), now it only showed itself in movies or books (though even her own collection was short of sharing a “traditional” beauty or sense of the “L” word). Failing medical school for the eighth time, just before leaving for this mission only furthered that. Eight fucking times. Just when she was about to reach for the stars, she fell back to Earth, barely able to feed herself or pay this month’s rent.

But Atlas was making it easier. She just couldn’t admit it, she couldn’t say the “L” word. If she did, considering her luck, everything would crash down, and she would ruin the closest thing she had to a…Relationship.
She wanted to stay among the stars.

…

When she was heading into her sleeping quarters, she passed Atlas’ door. She looked at it, she wasn’t sure how long, but enough so that she felt her hand tense up. She had balled it into a fist. But she couldn’t knock, not with all the willpower she was using to leave them be. The nurse couldn’t help it, she wanted to help Atlas.

Anything to hear their voice again while “star-gazing”.

5:10 AM

She knew she slept last night. It was late, but she usually managed. The instant coffee also provided a boost. But she rarely woke up this early and way before her alarm (well, the company’s pathetic excuse for one) rang. She hummed, at the very least, she could catch up on her reading.

After a quick change and yet another hesitant stride past Atlas’ door, she entered the medical room and briefly scanned the books. Then she saw the spine of “How can I be Human?”

Hm…Why does it feel so familiar?

Then it clicked.

Wait…Was Atlas lying to me?

It would’ve made sense. The few times the crew ever played poker, they never kept a straight face. Really, whenever they talked, it was like any stoic air they had listening disappeared. Easily to deflate, like the “cool” guys she’d see on trashy reality shows back home when their egos deflated. But…Again, Atlas was usually very genuine.

And they had no reason to lie.

She remembered last night, just for a brief moment. With a sigh, she couldn’t understand why or wrap her head around it. Not this early in the morning.

Taking the book with her, she headed toward the living quarters and looked at the coffee machine. Barren. Not a problem for her, honestly that only meant she’d have to clean it out otherwise. Fortunately, one of the few things all of the crew had access to was the coffee. Downside, it was instant coffee only Pony Express could afford for their “hard-working” employees.
It tasted like sawdust disguised as grounds, but here? It was the closest energy boost anyone could get. Once it brewed, she got a clean mug and poured herself a drink. It was still too early for breakfast.

She’d read “How can I be Human?” a few times, but, like many things, she could never find anyone who heard of it, let alone read the book.

But, starting another re-read…Did nothing. Right now, the only person on her mind was Atlas again. Maybe it was her brain, trying to solve the jigsaw puzzle that was “reading” other people. There had to be a reason they lied. Did she offend them?
Over what though? She thought everything was…Maybe not fine, but she couldn’t think of a single, purely negative interaction (aside from looking at them wrong last night, but that had its own mystery attached).

“Oh, yer up.”

Anya looked up to see Swansea. The older man’s bleary eyes were locked on her.

“I was. Good morning, Swansea.”

“…You made the coffee?” He asked.
Anya nodded.
“Thanks.”

As she could hear him pour coffee into his own mug, she sighed. While she and Swansea clashed personality-wise, their work relationship was mostly amiable. And…He was older. Maybe he’d give some advice.

“Hey,” Anya started, “If you were cordial with someone, and suddenly they avoid you…What would you do?”

“Is that somethin’ out of yer book?” Swansea grumbled.

“…Not exactly.” Anya halfway confessed, putting the book down, “It’s just…A hypothetical.”

“Hmph, my wife acted like that, years ago. Was my fault.” The head engineer explained, “Then I cleaned myself up.” He then added, “But…I’m assuming this is recent?”

“…Well, the only thing that could’ve set them off was…” She cleared her throat, Swansea didn’t need to know about yesterday’s evaluation. “I mean…I’ve acted the same as I’ve always been.”

Swansea took a sip of his coffee. “Then I don’t know what’s with ‘em,” He admitted, “Sometimes people drift apart. Sometimes somethin’ happens, and one of them up and leaves.”

The latter sounded truer than Anya wanted to admit. A heavy feeling sunk in her chest.

“But, that’s my two cents.”

“…Thanks, Swansea.” Anya forced herself to speak. With her mug still half-empty, she stood up and poured the rest of the coffee in the sink drain, then placing the cup in it. God, she was tired already. Her day hasn’t even started yet. “I won’t disturb you anymore.”

“It’s fine.” Was all he said as she left the lounge and made a brisk walk back to the medical room, shutting the door behind her. She realized in her haste that she left her book. Slightly cursing herself out for a moment, she decided against going back. It would’ve been too awkward. And…Maybe she should take a five-minute nap and catch up on her own sleep schedule.
Wouldn’t be the first time she used the medical room’s cot for herself.

But as she lay down and her eyes fluttered, she swore she heard the stuttering of Atlas’ door opening. Hmm. Wasn’t like them to be up this early.

Chapter Text

Atlas sighed a breath of relief as they shut their door gently. Hopefully it didn’t make so much noise to wake up Anya. She was the last person they needed to see. They took themself over to the lounge, where Swansea was rubbing his head and drinking coffee. Now he was just the person they were looking for!

Upon closing the lounge door behind them, Swansea looked at them. “My god, you look like you’ve been through hell!”

“…Good morning to you too, Swansea.” Atlas yawned, “I just couldn’t sleep,” They glanced at the coffee pot, “Nothing like bean juice to wake me up, huh?”

Swansea narrowed his eyes. “Yeah…” He went back to his own mug.

“And, y’know,” Atlas started, “I think I should start my day with coffee. This stuff…It’s awful, but it gets the job done!”

“Uh-huh…” Swansea muttered.

They poured a cup and saw a mug in the sink. “Oh…Was someone here-?”

“Atlas,” The older man groaned, “What do you want from me?”

“N-nothing, I just-!”

“We rarely speak, and I like startin’ my mornins alone. Cut the bullshit.” He warned, “Now, what do you want?”

“…Daisuke said you had a wife, so-!” They stopped their rambling. No need to piss off the engineer. “Look, how did you know you were in love with her?”

That…Strangely got his attention. With a calmer demeanor, Swansea explained, “Sometimes it’s just this feelin’ you get. Like you’re meant to be.” He traced his thumbs around the rim of his mug. He continued, “And you don’t want to let it go.”

Atlas mulled it over, looking at their faint reflection on the surface of their coffee. “Hm. It’s that simple?”

“Never,” Swansea admitted, “Sometimes you lose yourself in your own emotions when it happens. With me and my miss, it did.” He dryly chuckled, “I was a bumblin’ mess when we met. The things I’d do to experience that again.”

“But…I thought you hated it when Daisuke or I ‘bumble’ around?”

“Now that’s different! You’re both supposed to work…” He sighed, softening his voice again, “And I was a lot younger back then. Been through plenty.” Swansea went quiet, lost in his own memories, probably. “Hmph. First miss Anya asks nonsensical questions, and now you.” He shook his head. “Can’t have any peace this morning, can I?”

“Wait, Anya was here?”

The engineer nodded. “She left a bit ago. Asked me somethin’, probably related to that book of hers.”

Atlas glanced at the other end of the counter. It was “How can I be Human?”, one of-!

Oh shit. Atlas stared at it, frozen and stuck were they stood. Does she know they lied? Crap…Crap!

“Atlas?” Swansea’s voice snapped them out of it.

“Uh, I should take it to her.” They cleared their throat, “I…She, uh, told me this was a good book, lot of, um, ch-characters.”

“…Right.”

Before they left the room, Atlas said, “Thanks. For what you told me.”

“Anything to get you to leave me be.” Swansea admitted. Whether he was joking or not was lost to Atlas.

…

They stared at the closed door of the medical bay. Swansea’s words echoed in their mind. What did Anya ask him? Fleeting thoughts terrorized their mind.

What if she told him that they lied? She would’ve brought the book as evidence. But…Why not tell the Captain? Curly would’ve probably sat down and asked Atlas. Still would’ve been terrible, but at least with him, they would’ve reached some understanding.
Swansea didn’t know Atlas like Curly knew Atlas. Or like Anya knew Atlas.

But then, if that was the case, why didn’t Swansea say anything? Or stopped Atlas?

Maybe he didn’t believe her? And now coming here was the worst thing they could do!

Oh god, the thought of accidently distressing Anya hurt. It hurt so much more than the previous pains and aches from last night. And with the racing thoughts and lack of sleep-! Oh god, they were going to die right here, weren’t they? Right in front of the medical room!
Their breathing quickened, yet their ribcage, it felt tighter and tighter. Their heart was going to be strangled by their own doing! They slumped against the wall, slowly sliding down until they were effectively sitting on the floor. The cold metal shocked them, their ribcage suddenly, or at least for a moment, didn’t feel so small. Then it came back.

But, just as their vison was blurring together, the door opened, and they saw a familiar pair of sandals.

Somehow, the book left their grasp. Somehow, Anya, or some blurry scramble that looked like her, was in front of them. They were gonna die here, no, no, no-!

“Atlas…Do you know where you are right now?”

Now? Where…They were…

“Do you know you are right now?” The blurred Anya repeated.

“The Tulpar.” They said, their voice cracking, “A-and…I’m between…” Why were their hands shaking so much? Her hands were so warm against theirs. “The medical room and the lounge.”

“Right.” Anya calmly assured, “Do you want to talk there, and rest?”

“…That…That w-would be nice.”

…

Fuck, they embarrassed themselves right in front of Anya. Now they were drinking lukewarm water from a packet the nurse rushed to get. Speaking of her, she was looking at the medicine in her cabinet.

“…I’m sorry about your book.” Was the first thing they said.

She said in response, “Forget about the book. It’s fine.” Her assurance was partially comforting. But it also was the source of the problem. No, they were the source. The book was a scapegoat.

“…I lied about pain…Making me human.”

“I know.”

“I’m really, honestly, sorry-!”

“Atlas,” Anya turned around. “It doesn’t matter right now. You…Had an anxiety attack, my concern right now is you and your safety.”

Her eyes locked into theirs. God, she was so pretty. Atlas felt tears stream down their face. Fuck, how could they admit their feelings now?! Especially when she was far more composed than they ever would be.

Anya lightly pressed her hand on Atlas’ shoulder, “Hey, hey, it’s okay.”

“You’re pretty.”

There was a shared silence between them, aside from Atlas’ own sniffling.

“…Thank you?” Her voice sounded so stilted, so…Off guard.

They could never say anything right, could they?

“You really are, and you smell nice and you laugh so adorably-!” Atlas confessed, their words were slewing into little more than rushed confessions, “And that night we spent smoking was amazing and I don’t want to lose you!”

Anya said nothing. Instead, she just brushed her hands past their hair. That was nice too. She always knew what to do. Their heart still ached, but instead it was just the ebbs of their anxiety attack. They added one last thing, after a shaky breath.

“I love you.”

Chapter Text

What was there to say?

They used it. The “L” Word.

And Anya was still trying to process it. Atlas soon passed out. Noting the bags under their eyes, she assumed they did not take her word last night.

But…Also knowing Atlas, it was very possible they legitimately couldn’t sleep. After a while of just letting their head rest on her lap, she shuffled, making sure she didn’t wake them up. It was a momentary struggle. She couldn’t say the same for own feelings. Once she was off the cot, she walked to her desk and sat down near it, also pulling out her personal journal.
Like her books, it was one of her distractions. A faceless and voiceless companion that she could load everything onto. And it would believe her and allow her to “speak” freely. She hadn’t used it in months. Atlas…Sort of took that role now.
A pang of guilt hit her. Comparing her fr-!

…Comparing Atlas to a notebook wasn’t the thought she needed right now.

She just didn’t know where to start.

She kept staring at the blank pages. Lost in the bluish lines and cheap paper, she just pressed her pencil down and wrote basically everything that came to mind.
She felt strong feelings with Atlas. That, Anya was one hundred percent certain on. But…With the “L” word, that could mean anything. Platonic, or hell, familial. Like, how they and Daisuke got along…Or like how the nurse herself and Daisuke are. Romantically, however?
…What Atlas said. It went so fast. What they said was more of a pleading than a confession.

She sighed. If it was later in the morning, she would’ve run around the ship’s halls. Would’ve helped her think. Or get this off her mind. Another pang of guilt hit her.
She didn’t necessarily want to run (literally or otherwise) from her problem. Far from it. But…It was a lot. And Anya wasn’t sure how to…Handle it.

Was this…The feeling? Or had she kept it for a while now, and now she’s confronted with it?

There was an incident, late last week. It was game night. Tonight, it was the game of Life. Such a linear game, definitely not her favorite out of the choices. The only benefit was that she was able to live off a fantasy, just for an hour.
She usually played the same way. Start college, return to school, take any risks she wouldn’t otherwise and hope for the best.

Tonight, it was just her and Atlas. So her winning was a fifty/fifty chance (And it wouldn’t be influenced by Daisuke’s “luck). The co-pilot took plenty of chances as well. During this game, the two of them, once their cars reached the mandatory marriage space, placed a pink peg on their respective pieces.

“I never really understood why we have to get married.” Atlas muttered, “I know it’s just a game, but…”

A thought entered in the forefront of the nurse’s mind, and it traveled into the pit of her stomach. She wasn’t sure (during then) why.
“Do you…Never want to get married?”

They shrugged. “It would be nice. Heard there’s benefits,” Atlas lightly chuckled, “But, if I’m getting married, I’d rather be with someone I love-Damn!” They landed on career change. They got back to the conversation at hand, asking Anya, “What about you?”

“Hmm…I’ve never thought of it. Not recently, despite…” She sighed, “It’s…Just hard for me to find someone I click with so easily. On top of that, I’m more focused here.” She bit her tongue before she could mention how strained long-distance relationships would be.

Atlas agreed, “That’s fair…Still don’t know why this game forces marriage.”

“…For the benefits?”

They laughed, “Okay, okay, I get it now!”

That damn smile of theirs. It was bright, sweet too. Just as the game ended (Anya won, another victory for her to feel proud of), she had this wistful thought, something that felt like her previous feelings, but it didn’t hurt. No, far from it. She stared at Atlas’ lips.
They looked so happy too. No one would be around to see them if they…
…No, they wouldn’t. It would be too much, even for a gentle kiss.

And yet, Atlas was someone Anya felt so much for. Not just as a friend or coworker. Something beyond that, even if she refuses to say the “L” word.

A big yawn came from Atlas, “Crap, how long have we played?”

The nurse took a few moments to realize they were talking to her. She hummed, “Longer than I realized. I guess we’re not going to star-gaze tonight?”

The co-pilot shook their head, “No, w-we can!” They assured, “If you want to.”

…

“The moon’s really pretty tonight.”

“Hm.”

She heard Atlas shuffle. “…I wasn’t serious about the benefits thing.” They admitted before yawning again, “I mean, I wouldn’t marry someone just for that.”

“You said you would marry someone you were close to,” Anya echoed, glancing at her crewmate’s slumped position.

“Someone I love.” They assured.

“Yes.”

The co-pilot nodded off. With the silence accompanying the crewmates, Anya was sure they just fell asleep. Just as she was about to get up, Atlas spoke quietly.

“Anya?” They muttered.

She asked, “Yes?”

“I love…”

Anya waited for them to yawn again and finish what they were saying. A minute passed, and they didn’t. She looked at them. Their arms were limp, their breathing was steady. Gentle.
She never thought they could look so peaceful.

But…Sleeping like that could cause back pain. And as a nurse, it was part of her duty to care for her crewmates. She could’ve woken them up, but after letting them stay up so late, it would’ve been irresponsible for her to suddenly force them awake. Carrying them back to their room was not an option. With a gentle grasp, Anya started to lower their body.

“Mn…” Atlas stirred. Anya stopped, cradling their head and neck. Once they nodded off again, it was easier to place their head on the couch cushions.

They looked so beautiful against the blue light. Anya wouldn’t mind seeing them more like this.

…They looked…Cold. She quietly walked over to the sleeping quarters. For a brief moment, she debated on coming into their room. Even if she were to grab the blanket on their own cot…No, that would’ve been too much. She didn’t want to violate their trust.
Instead, she went into her own room. On her bed, she had a few blankets to spare. In her experience, she quickly learned to bulk her belongings. It was also why she packed her turtlenecks. Ah, but she had to focus.
She picked out a smaller, cheap fleece blanket. It was something she thrifted years ago. It wasn’t the best and she wouldn’t miss it (if Atlas never brought it back, that would’ve been okay though!), but it was adequate. She walked back to the lounge, Atlas was still sleeping. Anya laid the violet blanket on top of them, while they shuffled for a moment, they kept their docility.

She wouldn’t mind seeing them like this again.

Warmth pooled within her cheeks. She would never admit it, not out loud during the day. Not when their relationship was probably never going to pass “friends”. Every night, the nurse just…Wanted to say it. But the “L” word was so…Fragile, to her.
If “hate” was a strong word, then “love” also carried that burden.

Anya stopped writing as a pain started to numb her right hand. It had been a while since she even attempted writing that long. Several pages were filled. Was it therapeutic? Yes.

But was it any healthier than talking to Atlas? No. Absolutely not.

Glancing at them, she once again had that feeling. The “L” word.
…She felt the same, but she wasn’t sure how to say it. Not without looking pathetic. And confessing after Atlas suffered an anxiety attack was…Distasteful, to say the least. Instead, she planned to just work through today. Whenever Atlas wakes up, then they’ll talk.
She closed her journal and stuffed it back in the drawer from where it came.

…

In the past few hours, Atlas was still out like a light. That was…It wasn’t fine, per se, but considering what happened (and what the nurse assumed), them sleeping was preferable. All for the sake of their health. Even then, she wondered how long it’d be until they woke up. Usually stress kept people up, she would know…

Aside from her and Swansea, everyone else woke up later. Despite their alarms being (permanently) set to five-thirty, she usually didn’t see the Captain until six (sometimes seven or eight on a bad day), Daisuke until nine…Atlas was usually up sometime between that. Honestly, they had a more sporadic sleep schedule than Curly did-!
She mentally bit her tongue. It was her fault that she enabled them to stay up most of the time. Even if she…Really, really, really appreciated their presence. It was a greedy, selfish want that Anya honestly didn’t deserve. Whatever happened, once they have their talk, she wouldn’t be surprised if she would never be forgiven.

Knock-knock

“Anya?” Curly called out from the other side.

Her train of thought was broken. Right, she locked the door when she put Atlas on the cot. It was a safety measure and added more security (well, a smidge more than the rest of the ship). “I’ll be right there,” She said. Anya gave Atlas another glance just before unlocking and opening the door.
Anya wasn’t the tallest person, especially on the Tulpar. She didn’t even make an attempt to hide Atlas, though she warned, looking up at the Captain, “Atlas…Wasn’t doing well this morning.”

His gaze flicked towards Atlas. “I see…” There was something in his eyes, that strange glint Anya tended to notice from time to time. “Hopefully they’ll get better soon.”

“I’m doing my best,” She assured.

The Captain nodded. “Didn’t say you weren’t.” He added, “They’ve been distant lately. Did they say anything during their evaluation yesterday?”

“Sleep issues.” Anya answered, “Similar to yours.”

“I must’ve rubbed off on them.” He dryly joked.

“Possibly, but right now, I need to monitor them.” Anya told him.

Curly stepped back. “Alright, let me know when Atlas recovers.”

Once he left her sight, she closed the door. Her hands grasped at the lock, and she debated on using it again. She let it go. There wasn’t a need, and she honestly didn’t want to have another conversation like the one she just had. Not to mention the possibility someone else needed her help.

Before she sat on her desk again, she got close to Atlas. The nurse brushed her fingers through their auburn hair. They made a content, but still drowsy, sigh.

She wouldn’t mind seeing them more like this.

…She really wouldn’t. If only she could admit it out loud.

Chapter Text

Atlas was a lonely person.

They only kept in touch with a few people at a time. They would listen, maybe speak, and be on their way. But they usually kept it at that. For a while, it wasn’t their own doing. They were just…Disposable.
A faceless figure in a crowd. A dead leaf raked into another pile. A dim, dying star among brighter ones.

When they applied for Pony Express, they knew what they were signing up for. They were warned that there weren’t many people on a ship at once, especially the older freighter models.

That was okay. Atlas could handle it.

It wasn’t like they were a hermit within the ships and in-between missions. They just…Remained in the confines of the ships. Present, but not entirely there. When they were assigned to the Tulpar earlier this year…They weren’t expecting any changes. Aside from Daisuke who joined last minute, that was a surprise!

Then there was Anya.

Atlas never believed in soulmates. Fate was one thing, but being assigned to another person by a higher will seemed too far-fetched. Yet, they knew something in the universe had shifted. It didn’t take long for them to banter with the nurse like they’ve known each other all their lives. Better yet, the joy Atlas felt with her hasn’t left!
It was only a matter of time before that too would fade.

Atlas could handle it.

They could handle it.

They could handle it.

They’ll just, pack it away. They’ve always done that.

…
They weren’t in bed. Atlas knew that much when they woke up. Whatever they were on was slightly denser than their mattress. And, it was bright, like they somehow passed out under a row of florescent lights. They got up, rubbed their eyes, and saw Anya looking back.
For a moment, it was like time stopped. It was just them in the medical room.

“Anya-?”

The nurse held her hands up. “Wait, take it easy for a second.” She cautioned.

They kept laying down, as per her warning. “What happened?” Atlas asked, massaging their temples. They never liked the lights of the room, they were far too bright yet they also made everything look bleak.

“…What’s the last thing you remember?” Anya answered the question with another.

They were in the lounge…Talked to Swansea…Oh. Oh.

“I was returning your book, and I…Panicked.”

Gently, Anya corrected them. “You had an anxiety attack.” Her lips were shut into a thin line.

“Did…” Atlas was about to ask if they said anything, but…Seeing the nurse’s expression, maybe they could ask later. “I gave the book back, right?”

She nodded. “Of course you did.”

Awkwardness filled the air as both the nurse and co-pilot didn’t speak. “Um, how long was I out?” Atlas asked, stuck between looking away and looking Anya in the eyes.

“Five hours.” Anya stated, “You fainted after I put you on the cot.”

“Oh,” Atlas plainly said, “So…I’m better now that I’m awake?”

“You still fainted. And…Five hours of 'sleep' isn’t ideal,” Anya reasoned, her tone gaining some bite Atlas rarely heard from her.

“I’m fine-!”

“You didn’t sleep at all last night, did you?” Anya interrupted. They saw her cross her arms. Her hands lightly gripped the sleeves of her uniform.
Atlas shook their head.
Anya continued, “I…I told you to rest early and to come see me if it got worse. What happened?”

There wasn’t a good way to say it. Especially if they wanted to weasel their way past it.

“I tried counting sheep,” Atlas said, “But it didn’t work.”

“Then why didn’t you come to me?”
There was one failsafe they could’ve used…But they didn’t. Not with how Anya reacted to them stating they were fine. So…They came clean. “Because I’ve had this pain for a while now. And it gets worse when I’m with you. I got…nervous and I felt stupid. Curly made me confront them -sort of, he got into my head- and…I love you, Anya.”

She didn’t immediately say anything back. Breaking away from the eye contact, they could hear a soft, wispy sigh from the nurse. Then another, this one was more composed, more solid. “Okay.” She whispered out loud. Atlas wasn’t sure if it was directed at them.
When she turned around, they saw her shoulders tense up. “Atlas…” She trailed off for a moment. She started again, “Atlas, I…appreciate your feelings. And…I care about you.”
Oh…This was it. They were going to be rejected.
“But,” She continued, “I would like to think about it.”

…Huh?

They’ve…Been rejected before. Not once did they hear their desired mention “thinking” about their confession.

“Okay…Um…That’s fine.”

To be fair, they understood why Anya would think it over. Pony Express had their policies on workplace romance. And…There was that thing about doctors not being able to date their patients, which also probably applied here. Did it still sting? A bit, yeah, but it wasn’t like the worst-case scenario happened!
At least…Hopefully the worst wouldn’t happen.

…

Atlas was usually the one to pour their heart out. Maybe it was because they were very sensitive. Pursuing a crush was impossible. While their heart swelled, either the feeling would go away, or their heart would be broken. However...They sometimes found love.
Then said love would reveal itself as a farce. It wasn’t that someone liked them for who they were. Sometimes it was just to rile their hopes up, and then immediately kick them down. Or someone didn’t like them at all and just wanted their body without caring for the rest of them. That was what hurt them the most.

Anya would never do any of the latter. Atlas was sure of it. She wouldn’t have a reason to drag them along. She wasn’t like that, not even during game nights. So why was Atlas terrified?
Was it finally time for Atlas to see the traps and fallouts of love? How they never understood it and thus would never have that kind of relationship?

Was Anya the one to make them feel that?

…They hoped, at the least, they could remain friends.

They could handle it. Even if their heart breaks.

It had been a few days. Anya still hasn’t accepted or denied them. Under her orders, the co-pilot kept coming to bed early. It still barely works, but the past two nights were a bit easier than usual. Not tonight. Their clock read 1:23 AM.
Just their luck. They got up and left their room, approaching Anya’s. They sighed and knocked on the door.

Knock-knock-knock.

The sound reverberated against the metal, but no one answered. Atlas raised their fist and knocked a bit harder.

Knock-knock.

Still no answer. That was fair, it was too late at night. They turned around and decided to head into the lounge. No one would care if they encountered them in their pajamas. Maybe the nighttime screen could help-!
As they went in, there was Anya, sitting on the couch, looking at the screen. The woman, alerted by the sound of the door opening and closing, turned. Instead of the usual uniform, or her turtleneck, she was wearing flannel, navy pajamas and her glasses. The blue light of the LED screen shined behind her head like a halo.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Anya whispered.

Atlas couldn’t. They walked over to the couch she was sitting on and sat down. They weren’t too close. That would’ve made things more awkward.
They said, “Yeah. Same with you?”

“Hm,” Anya hummed, lightly pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose, “There’s just a lot on my mind.”

“…Do you wanna talk about it?”

The nurse didn’t say a thing for a few minutes. “Sure.” She started, “I…Do care about you Atlas, more than a friend or a crewmate.” Atlas saw her gaze flicker back to them and the artificial night sky. “But…I’m afraid of what…Reciprocating will do to us.”

Oh. Atlas said, “What Pony Express doesn’t know, it won’t hurt them.”

A stifled giggle escaped Anya’s lips. “That’s n-not what I meant.” She cleared her throat, fixing her tone, “I mean…I’m scared that, if we’re together, we’ll end up realizing we were lonely.”

“Lonely?” Atlas echoed, only to perk up and say, “Wait, you mean you think we’re desperate for each other?”

“I thought I was.” Anya clarified, “You understand me. And I thought romance would…” She balled her hands into fists, “Ruin our friendship.” The nurse softened her grip and shuffled closer to Atlas.

Atlas assured, “I don’t think it will. And…Even if we’re lonely, why not be lonely together?”

Anya hummed. “I’d…Like that.” Slowly, she laid her hands on top of Atlas’. They were so soft.

Their heart was pounding again. But it wasn’t all that painful anymore. The nurse yawned and asked, “Hey…The light really isn’t good on the eyes. Would you like to stay in my room tonight?”

A warmth flooded their cheeks. How could they say no?

…

They say you can tell who a person is based on their house. With the Tulpar…Well, technically the closest to home was their sleeping quarters. And that hit especially when they walked into Anya’s room.

Like Atlas’ (and likely the other rooms), it was small, with most of the space being taken up by the bed and a smaller nightstand/drawer organizer next to it. There were plenty of blankets, including the violet fleece blanket they returned after one-night last week. It was comforting seeing it again.

Anya yawned again, “It’s late…” She took off her sandals, placed her glasses on her nightstand, and relaxed on the bed.

Atlas just stood there. They’ve never shared a bed before. Slowly, they too sat on her bed. Wafts of Sopianae hit them. It reminded them of their late-night talks with Anya.
Just…Now they were in her room and the false moonlight wasn’t there. And it was somehow less comfy than the couch (and much smaller, this was barely larger than a twin XL). But Anya was still with them. That was all that mattered.

They crawled under the blankets, already feeling snug and warm. One of them, Atlas couldn’t tell which, felt heavier than the rest.

Comfort.

That was the final word on Atlas’ mind as they fell asleep to the sounds of both their and Anya’s breathing.
…

“Atlas?”

They opened one eye to see Anya facing them, still lying in bed. “Mn?”

“…Would it be okay if I got closer?”

“…Hm. Yeah.” They said. They closed their eye. They heard and felt Anya shuffle, then their arm moved, feeling the soft flannel of her pajama top. Her head was near their chest. They soon dozed off again, trapped in the position…But they didn’t mind.

Chapter Text

The sound of someone’s heartbeat against her ear was far different from what she listened to with her stethoscope. It just…Felt real. Maybe it was just how warm Atlas was. She still couldn’t sleep, not with her flood of thoughts drowning her during the past few days. She hated times like these, usually she’d push though it herself or shoulder the burden until it left her alone.
She still failed to grasp her feelings. Every second, every breath, Anya hesitated to say the “L” Word.

…

“But, I would like to think about it.”

Eight words, all easier to say rather than reciprocate their feelings. She expected Atlas to get mad, but the look on their face was…Shock. Their hazel eyes seemed to glaze over in thought. Or maybe they were coping that way for the moment. It wasn’t long before she told them to keep resting.

She’s spent most of her “free” time on her journal. Spilling out everything she had on it was far more suitable. At least with a journal, it would hold in all her hurt and say nothing.

That’s how it used to be. It was just Anya, her journals, and the night sky. Everyone else was just a comet, passing them by. She even believed Atlas would be like so many others in Anya’s life. But…They weren’t, not now.

When she wasn’t journaling, she was up. She’s barely had a wink of sleep. The moment she closed her eyes, she was hit with one fleeting question after another.

“Won’t Atlas be upset?”

“Why didn’t you reject them?”

“Even if you got into a relationship, if the Captain found out, he’d report it. You’re going to risk your livelihood for a chance at happiness?”

It was always some variation of that last one that forced her out of bed. She’d go to the lounge and watch the night sky, not even bothering to put on her contacts. Most of the time, she’d stare at the artificial moon, but once, and only once, she talked to the screen. “I’ve admired you for all my life. Maybe, just this once, you can guide me?”

Silence. What was she expecting?

…

Atlas kept their distance, and so did Anya.
It was hard to even look at them. When she did, she was faced with the same, stunned expression. Then she’d blink and just see Atlas looking anywhere but at her.

…

Looking at the nighttime lounge screen just wasn’t the same without Atlas.

…

“Are you okay?”

Anya snapped out of her thoughts and looked at Daisuke. She was checking on the intern’s arms, something about how he tried messing with tools and it “got out of hand” (His words), so she was partially assessing the damage (which only required a few band-aids and disinfectant).
“…I could be doing better today.” She admitted.

“Did something happen between you and Atlas?”

Considering the distance between them…At least Daisuke was being upfront about it (especially as a third party).
Anya sighed, “It’s…” She bit her tongue.

“…Too personal?” He asked.

“Very,” Anya said, momentarily stepping away to get hydrogen peroxide, “But…Thank you for your concern.”

“Hey, we all have problems!” He snickered, “I just hope it works out for you two since…” He paused, making a slight gesture towards the space around him, “Y’know?”

The nurse smiled. “I hope so. It’s just…I wish I could be as bold as you.” She then got some cotton and dabbed the disinfectant on it.

“Aw…Thank An-Yeowch!” The intern flinched as the cotton wipe grazed one of his smaller cuts. “I thought you were going to warn me!”

“Sorry, sorry. I thought talking alone would distract you!” That was only a partial truth. Daisuke’s encouragement helped a bit, but it also distracted her.

…

Once again, Anya was staying up at the lounge. She didn’t even bother to put on her contacts tonight. She thought back to last week, when they played the Game of Life.

Atlas’ words echoed, “If I’m getting married, I’d rather be with someone I love.”

Someone they’d “love”…That person was Anya herself. The more she thought about that night, the more she believed Atlas was about to confess before their drowsiness got to them. Then the time they said it before passing out. Once is an accident, two is a coincidence, and three is a pattern. She looked at the screen, directly at the moon.

…A new thought bloomed. This one wasn’t bleak like the dozens of worrisome questions.

“Atlas probably kept these thoughts for a while. So have you.”

She heard the door suddenly slide open, she turned, seeing Atlas enter the lounge. In that moment, seeing the light of the screen mix with their shadow and the encompassing darkness made them look like an ethereal painting. Her new epiphany came to mind. Her heart yearned for Atlas and so did she. Not just their presence either, but their entire being.

The day after she loaned her fleece blanket to Atlas, it was laundry day. It was…The closet the Tulpar crew had to an actual “day off”, since it was an all-day affair. The washer and dryer were both ridiculously small and, with the ship being old as it was, both had issues. Usually, Swansea (and now Daisuke) would have to fix them in between loads. Anya was usually first, but when she entered the room, Atlas was standing against the wall.

“Oh, hey Anya!” They greeted her. The sounds of the rumbling dryer accompanied their tone.

Anya, who was carrying a small basket of her laundry, returned the sentiment. “Good morning.” She soon noticed a suspicious absence of Atlas’ own basket. “You’re up early.” She muttered.

“Hm? Oh, yeah,” They confirmed, “I crashed last night. Sorry about that.”

The memory of her blanket over Atlas flashed in her mind. “D-don’t be. It was late, after all.”

Atlas smiled but turned their attention when the washer loudly chimed, ending its cycle. They opened the dryer door and loaded it. The nurse saw a flash of violet. She didn’t say anything. After all, she still wouldn’t mind if they never returned it.
They set the dryer on “Low” and went back to the conversation. “It’s not all bad. When I woke up, I had a blanket on top of me. It’s really soft!” They laughed, “And now that I’m up so early, I decided, ‘what the hell’, I shouldn’t waste the opportunity for a first load!”

“I get it, that’s good to hear…” Anya trailed off.

Neither of them continued the conversation. Anya loaded the washer, and both machines rumbled. It was just them for a while. Anya wasn’t sure if it was the heat radiating from the dryer (as much as she internally reasoned/deluded herself that was the case), but she felt her face getting warm. Eventually, the dryer dinged, and Atlas gathered up their laundry in their arms.
On one hand, she was sort of impressed. On the other, it looked terribly inconvenient. On the other-other hand…
…
…She, oddly enough, felt a twinge of envy at the dry bundle of clothes.

Later that day, when she was folding her own laundry in her room, she heard a knock at her door. She set her still unfolded clothes aside and said, “Come in.”

Atlas opened the door, for a moment, they paused. They were holding the fleece blanket, folded into their arms. “Uh, I forgot to ask you…This is yours, isn’t it?”

“…It is. Thank you.” When she reached out to grasp the blanket, she touched the co-captain’s hands. It was so brief, so sudden, she froze in the light interaction.

“Don’t mention it.” Atlas flashed another smile. They stepped back, leaving Anya be.

When her door closed, she held the blanket close to her chest. It smelled a little like Atlas.

Lying in bed with Atlas was…Something she didn’t expect would happen. Inviting them to stay the night in her room was formed from her own fatigue, and her epiphany, but it was a test. Not for Atlas, not exactly, it was a test for herself. How would she feel sleeping with them? What feelings would she’d conjure when the first thing she’d see in the morning was Atlas, and not the crappy alarm clock’s stark analog light?
So far…She liked it. No, more than that, but…Something was missing.

She didn’t even know how late it was now. Could’ve been twenty minutes since Atlas shuffled into her bed, maybe it could’ve been an hour.

…She focused on their chest as it raised and lowed. Anya had an idea, but executing it was probably too far.
…But, maybe it was okay to take that risk.

“Atlas?”

They lightly stirred.

“Atlas?” She repeated.

This time they opened an eye. They sleepily groaned, “Mhn?”

This was it. The nurse asked, “…Would it be okay if I got closer?”

She waited with bated breath for their response. “Hm…Yeah.” They yawned and closed their eyes. With the confirmation, Anya shuffled closer, feeling their body heat. She rested her head against their chest, hearing their rhythmic heartbeat. While she just wanted their arm to rest above her, it ended up on the small of her back. The touch made her lightly gasp, but it wasn’t unwelcome.

Here she is, sleeping with her co-worker. One of her superiors at that. But…Atlas was far more than that. What was it they said earlier tonight? They “could be lonely together”?
Yeah…That still sounded delightful.

As their legs entangled together, the last thing on Anya’s mind, as she closed her eyes and listened to Atlas’ heartbeat, was one thought: “I love you too.”

Chapter Text

At first, Atlas didn’t want to wake up. They were too comfortable, facing an internal struggle most people went through on mornings like these. Though…Something seemed off, nice and comforting, but the dry, robust smell of Sopianae was very strong and…Wait, their blanket (well, it was PE-issued) felt thicker and Rosebud wasn’t in their arms…Unless the plushie somehow came to life. Kinda like that one movie they saw plastered everywhere back home, the one with the cowboy and the astronaut. Hm, that would’ve been kinda funny…But why was Rosebud even moving in the first place?
They blinked a few times. Each second of visibility, they saw the raven-haired Anya against their chest. Wait…Wait, wait, wait. They weren’t in their room. It took a few moments for it to register, but when Atlas remembered last night…Oh.

This wasn’t a dream. While it was late, everything that happened, every word they shared last night, that was real.

Seeing the nurse rest so peacefully, Atlas didn’t want to move. There was no need to bother her. What time was it now? They weren’t sure, as their back was against the nightstand. But, as they continued to remain still, the co-pilot started to think.

This was new, a little intimidating, but that was the territory with a lot of things.

They thought back to when they recognized their feelings. It felt like it happened so long ago (though, with their experience, it was probably the barren ship and vastness of space fucking up their brain). That moment Anya shared her cigarette. That intimate, indirect kiss in front of the nighttime screen and the artificial moonlight that hit both of their faces. This moment was just like it, down to that overwhelming, swelling flood that swept their heart.

But, a certain thought crept in. It quickly poisoned their brain.

What now? She still hasn’t said she loved Atlas. Maybe it was because they only trusted the exact words. Her touch was wonderful, especially in their intimate moments these past few days, but that could only mean so much. They needed to hear her words.

Then another, more harsh question distracted them. What if Anya was agreeing to this because…They’re her superior? What if-?!

No. Thinking back, Anya did ask for them to stay the night, and she did say she’d “think about” a possible relationship. Atlas paced their breathing. Everything will be fine, they thought to themself.

It was then the alarm went off. The sounds of a buzzing, crackling “Polle” was trying to speak, probably something generic like “Rise and Shine!”, but it instead sounded garbled and glitched. Anya suddenly, yet gently, stirred. Atlas tried to release their (already) loose grasp, but the nurse rose her hand, lightly pressing it against their face.

She quickly fluttered her eyes open, looking back at Atlas. As the alarm kept buzzing, the two were silent. Shades of pink washed against Anya’s cheeks, and Atlas was sure, based on the heat they felt from their own face.

“…Morning.” Anya strained to say as she pulled her hand away, “Could you…?” She gestured towards the clock.

“Oh, yeah, of course.” Separating from the nurse, they sat up, turned to the nightstand and hit the button, shutting off the screeching alarm. Then, seeing her black-rimmed glasses, they picked it up.

When they turned back and gave Anya her glasses, she briefly muttered, “Thank you.” She put them on. It wasn’t often they’d see her wear them, usually on very late nights where they caught her doing “overtime” (which “legally” didn’t exist in Pony Express)
“…You’re very warm.” She admitted.

“Thanks.” Atlas said back, “…Um, so…” They sighed, “What now?”

“What do you mean?” She asked. Her eyes once again lured Atlas in.

They clarified, “Are we…” They briefly gestured between them and Anya, “Together, now? Do you…Like me?”

With a smile, the nurse got closer to them and placed and hand under their chin. “I love you.” She whispered.

Then, she got closer, their lips connecting like puzzle pieces. Atlas swayed their head back for a moment, just for a bit of air, but then reconnected with her. She felt so warm, and so did they, somehow it was like their internal temperature doubled -no- tripled. Anya’s hands grazed the back of their neck. Atlas reciprocated by grasping the small of her back.
The nurse gasped and pulled away. Glancing at each other, both panting (Atlas could feel their heart pounding again), they both put their foreheads together, almost like an instinct.

“Does that answer all your questions, Atlas?” Anya asked.

“You had me at ‘I love you’.”

In response, Anya laughed. That wispy laugh, which felt like a choir in Atlas’ ears. Once again, they gravitated towards each other for another kiss.

…

“I love you.”

Anya’s words kept echoing in Atlas’ head. Has been for a solid week now! While they kept their relationship under wraps with the rest of the crew, it would be a matter of time before they would come clean. Really, the only things that changed was, one, they were partners, two, when alone, they were more intimate, and three…They tended to stay in each other’s rooms. There wasn’t much of a schedule, it simply depended on what they were feeling.
Unfortunately, that meant Rosebud would be shoved into a shoe box and hidden under Atlas’ bed. A part of them hoped the plush dog would forgive them. Maybe, after some more time, Atlas could tell Anya about it.

Maybe someday.

Today was yet another round of psychological evaluations. While they did wonder how it could’ve worked (in an ethical/“unbiased” sense), there wasn’t much of an alternative…Except for one.

This morning, just before Anya left Atlas’ room, she asked, “I’m thinking of letting the Captain do your assessment, that’s okay, right?”

“Of course it is, I’d probably be too distracted by you. Then I’ll fail!”

She gave them a smirk. “You know that’s not how it works.” She corrected them in a playful, though sardonic, tone. She added, “I thought you should know.”

…

“‘Describe any changes to your sleeping schedule in the past two weeks, if applicable’.”

Curly tended to read off the questions verbatim. Wasn’t the worst, but Anya usually had her own personal touch, asking said questions less like a corporate entity and more like an actual person.
The assessment was taking place in the cockpit since it was the second most private place on the ship (since it was the only other one with a lock). It was also a relatively darker room, no florescent light to blind or stun Atlas.

“Atlas?” Curly called their name.

Oh, shit, right. The question.

“Uh, it’s been great.” They admitted, “I’ve just…Slept better.”

“An improvement then!” The blond captain brightly smiled as he spoke. “What changed?”

“Ah…I’m not really sure.” They lied, almost slipping their blossomed relationship to light, “I…I mean, I’ve just felt more comfy-comfortable.”

Curly wrote something down. “I’m sure, whatever it is, you’ll keep doing it!” He mentioned, “You do look happier Atlas.”

“Really?” They backpedaled, “I mean, thanks!”

Curly then said, “I’m…Curious. I know what you just said, but you really don’t know what changed?”

“…Maybe my brain’s finally getting used to being in space.”

He cocked an eyebrow and stared at them with his icy blue eyes, but he said nothing.

“Alright,” The captain said, placing his pen in his breast pocket, “That’s all.”

“Good, good.” They started to get up when Curly raised a hand.

“Wait, we’re just done with the assessment.”

Damnit. They sat back down.

“…Off-record,” He started again, “Did…Something happen between you and Anya?”

Atlas stalled the question. “What do you mean?”

Curly sighed, “I don’t mean to pry if it’s too personal, but as crewmates and as your captain, the two of you…” He paused for a moment, placing the clipboard near the fax machine he used for communicating with Pony Express. “You two kept away from each other suddenly, but this week, everything’s back to normal.”

“Oh, that is personal. We…Talked it out.” It wasn’t a complete lie, but what the captain didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

The captain nodded, and didn’t push the topic any further. “…Alrighty. That’s fine. Now we’re done!”

The co-pilot issued a brief, “Okay, thanks.” as they left the cockpit. That was a close one. They spotted Anya heading their way, holding a small stack of papers. While at first it was one of their many shared glances, Atlas briefly stopped and said, “Do you wanna star-gaze tonight?”

“Hm,” Anya softly hummed, “It’s been a few days…I would like to.”

Atlas smiled. She was right. And…They couldn’t wait to see her then.

Because just like every other time, Anya would be beautiful tonight.