Archive of Our Own ^beta

“You’re still here?”

Lucanis’ eyes flicked up as he brought his mug to his lips, meeting Davrin’s without a word.

“Thought Rook left already.”

Lucanis let out a sharp breath into his cup, letting his gaze fall back to the pages of his book without bothering to pretend to read.

“She did,” he said, unable to mask the bitterness in his voice.

A spark of silence crackled between them and Lucanis’ expression fell into a nasty frown. 

He’d seen her come out of the conservatory just a few hours ago with Taash and Harding in tow, the three of them geared up and shouldering large packs with tents and other camping supplies. Spite had shown himself, howling in protest, wailing that he wanted to go with, that Lucanis couldn’t let her leave without them. For the first time in a while he had cracked and yelled at the demon until his voice was hoarse. Spite just hissed and cursed at him, remaining in his peripheral vision as punishment. Even now he could see the thing pacing in the corner of the dining hall, scowling at him.

“Ah,” Davrin nodded, a tinge of knowing hiding in his tone. “I see.”

“You see what?” he snapped.

The warden held up his hands in surrender.

“No need to get testy, Lucanis.”

“I am not testy,” he said. Testily.

“Sure,” Davrin agreed half-heartedly, waltzing past to retrieve Assan’s freshly cleaned bowl from the wash basin. He paused, hovering over it as he seemed to contemplate his next move, idly thwacking the flat, ceramic bottom against his open palm before he sucked in a breath and turned to Lucanis to add, “But, you know, I’ve noticed that the two of you haven’t really seemed to be talking lately. Pretty odd.”

“It’s none of your business, Warden.”

He saw the man’s jaw set and for a few blissful seconds he thought he was going to leave without a word. No such luck, though. Instead, he set the bowl on the counter and crossed his arms tightly over his chest, eyeing Lucanis.

“I’m trying to ask if everything’s alright. If you’re alright.”

Ah. Unexpected.

“Is it really that obvious?” Lucanis snorted.

Davrin chuckled lightly, closing his eyes and nodding his head apologetically.

“Quite.”

Lucanis sighed and looked into the corner where Spite was walking in circles, glaring at him. Every night since his little indiscretion he’d been banging his head against the larder door, demanding that Lucanis go make up with Rook. He wasn’t a complete fool. He wasn’t going to give the little shit another opportunity to ruin things even more than he already had. Seeing Rook leave had made him feel a sharp incision of jealousy, though. She never went anywhere without him, never , and he worried that it was already too late to fix things.

“You're a Grey Warden,” Lucanis said, setting down his cup, eyes still locked on Spite who had stopped pacing to stand with his shoulders slumped forward menacingly, watching him right back.

Davrin raised a brow at him.

“How do you—? With the blight— How do you…?”

Lucanis let out a frustrated sigh and scraped his hand over his beard before waving it aimlessly through the air. He shook his head, unsure of what to say to the man. 

Spite had not been a part of his life plan but Lucanis was used to punishment, so Spite, in some ways, felt all too familiar. But Rook? Rook was dangerous. She lived in the back of his mind in places even Spite couldn't reach. Whenever she entered the room his gaze was pulled towards her and his face softened. She had been nothing he had expected. He'd had little space in his mind for first impressions when she'd rescued him from the Ossuary but he'd watched her swing an ax as big as her own body into the venatori with shocking ease and it had been Catarina who'd sent her, so he expected ruthlessness. Seriousness. No tolerance for weakness. Instead she was…Rook. She was all terrible jokes and big laughs and launching herself into battle with a big grin and gold on who'd take the most kills that time. He watched her and ached for the freedom in her heart. Whenever she looked at him, whenever she stole away time to speak with him alone, he felt her gold shimmer of life reaching out to him.

“How do you try to be anything other than the darkness inside of you?”

“Hmm,” Davrin murmured, his face falling into that look that Lucanis knew all too well. Tired, hollow, spent. 

“Monster to monster,” Davrin began, brows raising conspiratorially as he leaned towards the assassin. “Now more than ever I'm trying to figure that out. But with Assan…”

For a moment he was silent, contemplative, before he gave Lucanis a pointed look.

“...I'm a hunter, not a shepherd, and I thought it would always be that way. But to Assan, I'm just a man, and I have to try to be more than what I think I am for him. For me too. Funny how something so unexpected makes you wonder if maybe you've been wrong about yourself.”

Lucanis’ brows set low over his eyes as he stared at the floor. 

—

“So are we going to talk about it?”

Rook knew there had been an ulterior motive to this camping trip. She stared at Harding over the fire, face sour, and shook her head at the dwarf. Harding mashed her lips together in a smile that was equally as apologetic as it was relentless.

Taash looked up from their nearly empty bowl, spoon still in their mouth, and spat out a confused, “Huh?”

Rook turned away from Harding’s insistent gaze, her nose scrunched up in irritation. 

Taash looked between the two.

“What're we talking about?” they drawled out, confused.

“Nothing,” Rook snapped at the same time as Harding said, “Lucanis.”

“Oh.” 

Taash nodded wisely and looked at Rook in the way that only Taash managed to; as if to tell her that whatever it was that she was feeling, they understood completely.

“You guys haven't gotten it over with and just had sex yet?” they asked in that matter-of-fact tone they always spoke in.

“Taash,” Harding gasped, clapping her hand over her mouth to hide her snort of a giggle.

“Do you think Spite watches?” they asked, leaning their head thoughtfully towards the dwarf.

Rook ignored the mention of Spite, though the tips of her ears blushed a deep red, and wrapped her arms around her torso. 

“No, Taash, we haven't had sex. I don't think that's a good idea.”

“Oh. Okay,” they said. “Why not?”

Harding's eyes looked like they might pop out of her skull. 

Rook sighed.

“He was imprisoned for a year. He had a demon forcibly bound to him. The man doesn't even sleep anymore because of it. That doesn't exactly scream ‘hey Rook, I'm emotionally available right now even though the creepy venatori mage that captured me is still out there, let's have sex’ and I don't want to push him into anything he doesn't want; he's not ready for.”

“Okay. Makes sense. But you do want to have sex with him, right? I mean, eventually or whatever. That's why you're always flirting.”

Harding squeaked out a weak, “Maker, Taash,” but the qunari simply continued to stare at Rook, waiting patiently for her answer.

Rook couldn't help but think of the way Lucanis’ hands had felt gripping her hips, a thought that she hadn't been able to get out of her head despite how guilty she felt recalling it. Not Lucanis, but Spite, using Lucanis' body to mess with him. 

Spite took over my body and came directly to you. Because of my thoughts.

She hadn't missed that little tidbit, though. His thoughts. She'd been wondering exactly what he'd meant by that.

“Yeah, you got me,” Rook shrugged. She groaned and covered her face with her hands as she admitted, “It’s the part where I want a lot more than just sex that I'm not so good at figuring out. And with Lucanis things are…complicated.”

A brief moment later she felt the heavy tap of glass against her shin and peeked through her fingers to see Taash leaning around the fire, offering the bottle of plum brandy they’d brought along. Rook's lip quirked up in a grateful grin as she took the bottle and pulled the cork out with her teeth, spitting it off to the side before taking a swig.

She handed the bottle back and Taash offered it to Harding.

“Did something happen?” the dwarf asked, drinking and passing it back.

Rook laughed, her mouth going dry.

“You might say that, yeah.”

“Can I ask what?” 

“Ah.” Rook leaned back and covered her forehead with a hand, staring down into the fire. “Just…he was going to kiss me last week but he stopped himself and ended up walking out. I don't know, it sort of hurt my feelings I guess. And then something happened with Spite and it just made him double down on this idea he has that he's too dangerous to be around me or something stupid like that. I walked away that time. I think maybe I shouldn’t have done that.”

She took the bottle back from Taash when it was handed to her and drank.

“I should have stayed. I know he has his reasons for feeling the way he does and I think the thing with Spite really freaked him out. I'm just…not used to this.”

“Used to what?” Taash asked, gesturing for the bottle back. They kept their eyes glued to Rook as they drank, clearly very invested in the conversation.

Rook threw her hands up in exasperation.

“Feelings? Complications? I don't want to mess this up. He’s so sweet and I'm so freaked out that I might do something that crosses a line or I fuck up and make whatever he's going through worse and he just…he doesn't deserve that.”

Harding and Taash shared an uncertain glance before turning back to Rook. It was a mess, she knew, and she didn't expect them to have the answers or anything. But she did feel a little better having said it out loud.

“You know,” Harding began tentatively, “you're going through something too.”

Rook laughed.

“What am I going through that compares to having a demon in your head?”

“Rook, you have an elven god in your head.”

Her whole body went rigid. She tried not to think too much about that. Sometimes…sometimes she could hear them, not just Solas, whispering at the back of her mind and she wondered just how much of herself might be stuck in the fade.

She forced out a hollow laugh before covering her mouth and staring into the fire.

“It's not the same thing,” she said through her fingers, and she did mean it. “Lucanis sees Spite all the time, not just when he wants to, not to mention Spite is capable of physical harm.”

Emotional harm too, apparently.

“Doesn’t have to be exactly the same, does it?” Taash shrugged, handing the bottle to Harding who clutched it close to her chest. “ I think you're good together anyways, both of you are always a lot happier around each other. Actually happy, I mean, not just telling stupid jokes to make us think you are.”

“Agreed,” Harding nodded. “You're kind of like two sides of the same coin in a way.”

Rook smiled softly.

“Can you tell him that?” she asked, mostly joking.

“No,” Harding laughed. She raised a brow at Rook, still smiling. “But you can.”

“Ugh, that's the hard part.”

—

He paced restlessly across the pantry floor while Spite crouched on his cot, watching him.

“She is back but she doesn't talk to you,” the demon hissed, blame steeped in his voice. “Your. Fault.”

“No, your fault,” Lucanis snarled, jabbing a finger at his twisted reflection, expression flaring with rage.

Spite howled.

“No! No! No! You don't talk. You don't tell. You just hide. I helped. You deny.”

Lucanis gritted his teeth, waving a hand at the demon dismissively as he continued to pace. 

At the sound of someone entering the dining hall both of their heads snapped towards the larder door. A trail of heavy footsteps made their way towards it.

“Rook.”

Spite was right, only Taash's footsteps were heavier out of armor than Rook's, but they had the excuse of being far larger and having a wider stride. Rook just lacked any sense of stealth or subtlety.

He was surprised when she stopped at his door and a few long seconds later he heard a timid knock. She never knocked. When he opened it she was standing there with her fists balled and perched on her sides, her eyes glued to the door frame. The tips of her ears were tinted a deep red.

“We should talk,” she said, still avoiding his eyes.

He swallowed.

“Yes, of course,” he said, trying not to sound as nervous as he was. 

He opened the door wide enough to let her in.

She slipped inside and he shut it behind her. 

When he had the courage to turn around she was standing near his cot with her back to him, arms crossed and foot tapping rapidly against the stone floor. Spite had jumped down from his roosting spot and was sniffing the air around her. He glared at Lucanis, gesturing insistently at him to come closer.

He took a step forward.

“Look,” Rook said, startling him slightly as she whirled around, still not quite able to meet his eyes. Even Spite jumped a little before disappearing. “I’m really not good at this whole ‘talking about my feelings’ thing so I’m just going to start and hope that I don’t sound like a total idiot in the process. I like you, Lucanis. A lot.”

“Rook—”

“Just…just wait a second Lucanis. If I don’t say it now I’m just going to lose it all and I won’t say it the way I think I want to say it,” she said, shaking her head and holding up her hands. 

His lips pressed together but he kept quiet. 

“You’re going through a lot right now, I get that, but so am I.” She shook her head. “Ugh, no, that sounds bad. I mean…I mean that I’m not a saint, Lucanis, and I really don’t need you to throw yourself on a knife to keep me safe. What I want is to try this with you, all of it, even the Spite stuff. I get it, it was probably really, really weird coming back into your body in the position we were in, not knowing exactly what had happened, but he really didn’t do anything more. I only let him put me up on that table because it happened so suddenly and I thought he was you. Forgive me, Lucanis, for not pushing him away more insistently like I should have. It just…it took me longer to realize when I thought it was you…I’m a selfish woman, Lucanis…I wanted it to be you and it clouded my ability to react…”

He couldn’t help that he had been taking steps towards her the entire time she spoke. When she trailed off, a look of guilt plastered on her face as she hugged her arms around her chest, he was standing in front of her frowning.

“Rook,” he said again, gentler this time. She finally looked at him when he put a hand on her arm and squeezed. “I wanted it to be me too.”

He sighed and gestured for her to sit with him on his cot. They sat together, not touching but close enough to feel each other’s warmth, and fell into a strained silence. It felt like it stretched on for hours.

“I thought that Spite had done something to you,” he murmured when he could no longer take the quiet. “That he had used my body to hurt you, or…or touch you, and I could hardly bear the thought of it. And the worst part of it? He used my own daydreams against me, twisting my desires into this display to try and force me to act on my feelings. It was far more romantic in my head, Rook, and that’s what I want. Romance. Affection. Love. But I fear that with the way things are with Spite, I can’t have them. That I risk too much trying to. I know you can take care of yourself, Rook, but I cannot even keep myself in control of my own body. I want to try this with you too but I’m afraid that if we do I will do something terrible.”

She looked down at the hand he had between them, gripping the wooden planks tightly. He saw her own hand slide cautiously towards his and pause, her fingers curling in on themselves. He let out a pained breath and, against his better judgment, reached slowly out to her, risking hooking one of his fingers in hers.

“I do want this, Rook, I’m just afraid,” he said softly.

The smile on her face did not mask the nervous expression hidden within it.

“Me too. Mostly that I’ll fuck up and make everything worse. I’m good at that, you know.” She laughed bitterly and shook her hand at him when he opened his mouth. “No, no, I know. Not fair, not fair. Same to you, though. You are more than Spite. And I don’t mind sticking by your side while you figure some of this stuff out before we get to the romance and the affection and the love.”

She wiggled her eyebrows at him, that bright hue returning to her demeanor ever so, and he felt himself melting into a feeling of comfort. The nausea was still there, of course, but sitting next to her made it seem more worth it.

“You tease me, Rook,” he chuckled before wrapping his hand entirely around hers and squeezing. “I have many things that I must face that I am not eager to show you. Things that frighten me. But I do care for you, Rook, and I want you by my side in all of this. All I ask is that you’re patient with me. I don’t know where to go from here and I’m not sure when I will.”

A bright grin spread across her face.

“Ah, Lucanis, treasure is always worth the wait.”

“Treasure, hmm?” he said softly. He smiled at her, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand. “Alright, tesoro, but I’ll try not to make you wait long.”