Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Spencer is utterly exhausted, but as his new norm, he’s either up all night or he’s plagued with such awful nightmares that he wakes in a panic. It’s awful, but it seems to be part of the job. 

He’s annoyed when Hotch gives them the day off after they returned late last night. He has nothing to do to distract himself from the memories of the nightmares, and he has nothing to do to tire himself out so he can actually sleep tonight. 

So, he decides the best course of action would be to go to the library and get a few new books to read before bed tonight. Maybe he can make his brain focus on something else. 

As he makes his way to the nearest library, which is thankfully within walking distance from his apartment, he tells himself that he needs to get something light, something that won’t make his nightmares worse but won’t make his brain work too hard. 

He enters the library and smiles as he sees Miriam behind the desk. She’s his favorite librarian (though she is the one who tells him not to bother people when they’re selecting books). She’s got a kind smile and her hair reminds him of his mom. 

“Hey there, Dr. Reid,” She greets quietly. 

“Hi Miriam,” He says, pausing at the front desk. She stops her task of checking books in to assess him. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Her eyes narrow. “But you don’t look too good, kid,”

Spencer grimaces. “Insomnia,” He gestures behind him where the stacks of books begin. “Figured I’d find some books to try to help me sleep tonight,”

She smiles. “Books are a great way to settle your mind before sleeping. Just make sure you don’t pick something scary!”

“I won’t,” He promises with a smile. He waves at her and turns on his heel. He doesn’t tell her that he never reads horror books. He doesn’t need more nightmares in his life, and his nightmares are the cause of real monsters. 

He wanders around the familiar shelves, hoping one of the titles will call out to him. He already feels calmer here. The quiet of a library is somehow different from the quiet of his apartment. And the smell of the library is soothing in a way he’s never been able to explain, and he had been so glad to find that it’s universal after he moved from Vegas. 

Spencer's ears perk up as he hears a weird creaking sound enter the library. He can’t make out the noise, so he looks around. 

That’s when he sees him. 

There’s a man entering the library on crutches, which Spencer realizes is an unrecognizable creaking sound. It’s recognizable now that he has the image to help his brain. 

The man on the crutches is…objectively good-looking. He has jet-black hair that looks like it’s curling at the end and would be full curls if his hair was slightly longer. He has stubble dotting his face, and his muscles strain as he crutches into the stacks. 

Spencer’s mouth is dry and that’s new. 

He’s not unused to being around attractive people (he’s had a crush on nearly half of the people he works with - Hotch, Morgan, JJ, Elle), but this feels different. A spark seems to be going through Spencer’s body and he…he doesn’t like it. 

He doesn’t like it because he doesn’t understand it. 

The man struggles to balance as he selects certain books and reads the back covers. He always places the books back in the right place, something Spencer knows Miriam appreciates. He finds it charming because most people wouldn’t care where a book is returned. 

Before Spencer knows what he’s doing, he’s approaching the man and then he opens his mouth. 

“That’s a really good book,” He forces himself to smile as the man turns as well as he can on his crutches. He doesn’t look annoyed, so Spencer keeps talking. “Some people thought the themes were too subtle, but I enjoyed not being spoon-fed the morals,” He grimaces to himself. “It’s one of my biggest pet peeves in media, so that book was really refreshing,” The man glances down at the book, and then he looks back up at Spencer and Spencer takes it as a sign that he’s overstayed his welcome. If he was ever welcome at all. “Uh, sorry. I should have just left you alone,” Spencer looks behind him as if Miriam would come out and chastise him for bothering this man. “Miriam mentioned that I should let people find books in peace,”

“Do you work here?” The man asks and Spencer blushes as he shakes his head. 

“No, no, I’m just here a lot,” Spencer admits, and then, because he can’t stop himself, he adds, “I can read over 20,000 words a minute so I’m always looking for content to peruse,”

The man’s eyes widen and his mouth falls open. “20,000…are you serious?” Spencer nods bashfully and the man lets out a low whistle. “So, you’re a genius?”

“I don’t like to use the term, but some would say that,” Spencer shrugs, feeling uncomfortable with the awe that is on the man’s face. “I have an IQ of 187,” The man remains silent and Spencer wiggles his fingers before clearing his throat. “I’ll, um, let you get back to your browsing,” He tries to look normal as he turns away, but he’s surprised when the man stops him. 

“I’m Luke,”

Spencer turns back around and is surprised to see the man, Luke , holding out his hands. He should shake it, but because he’s him, he says, “You have no idea how many germs are held within the human hand,” He explains. “It would actually be safer for us to kiss,” Spencer is mortified at his own words, so he quickly introduces himself. “I’m Spencer. Reid. Spencer Reid. Dr. Spencer Reid,”

The man smiles and Spencer’s heart does something strange. He should get that checked.  “Doctor?”

“I have three PhDs,” 

“What are you? 25?” Luke seems to be watching him carefully and Spencer tugs at his sweater vest. 

“24,” Spencer corrects with a shy shoulder shrug. 

“Damn,” Luke says. “That’s impressive,”

“Not when you take into account that I was in high school by age 12, so by the time I was 18, I could be at CalTech,” Spencer says, waving him off. Getting compliments from a handsome man was definitely not good for his brain. 

Luke watches him for a moment before he smiles, mirth clear on his expression. “And how is that supposed to be less impressive?”

Spencer flushes and has to repeat he’s just being nice over and over in his head to stop his heart’s rapidly increasing rate. 

“Do you have a favorite book?” Spencer asks, needing to change the topic for fear of cardiac arrest.  

“I’m pretty basic. I love The Shining,” Luke shrugs, and Spencer must make a face because a moment later, Luke is asking, “Not a fan of horror?”

“Not particularly,”

“Don’t like scary things? Or just not something you find interesting?” The door to the library opens and in walks an older woman with a tote bag full of books. Spencer only notices because he sees the way Luke glances over. 

“I don’t care for monsters or the paranormal,” Spencer explains. “But I do find psychology fascinating, and how people can turn into monsters, but I don’t read many fiction books like that because I see enough in real life,”

Luke raises an eyebrow. “Law enforcement?”

“FBI,” Spencer replies. “I’m a profiler with the Behavioral Analysis Unit. We use the behavior of the unsub-“

“Unsub?”

“Unknown subject,” Spencer explains, a blush on his cheeks as he reminds himself that not everyone automatically knows what he’s talking about. He’s had conversations about it with Gideon and Hotch. “We use their behavior to come up with a profile to narrow down suspects,”

A mother and her young child enter the library next, and once again, Luke seems to glance over the second the door makes a noise. 

The gears in his brain are turning and he allows himself to glance at Luke’s chest, but only because he wants to confirm his suspicions. He has no ulterior motive whatsoever. 

“Wow,” Luke breathes out. “That’s incredible,” 

“I’m talking too much about myself,” Spencer says quickly. “Tell me about you,” He prompts because he needs the focus off of him or he might combust, and because he’s curious about Luke. 

“What do you want to know?”

“I would ask what you do, but I have a pretty good guess,” Spencer admits and he wishes he would shut up. Luke probably doesn’t want to be profiled. 

Luke raises an eyebrow. “Are you profiling me?” 

“It’s hard to turn off,” Spencer says and looks down at the floor. 

“Hit me with your best shot,” Luke grins and Spencer looks back up at him with a hesitant smile.  

“You’re very aware of your surroundings,” Luke looks intrigued, so Spencer continues. “Every time the door opens, you glance over. And you don’t look away before you’ve taken account of who entered the area,” Spencer nods towards Luke. “That coupled with the silver chain around your neck that leads to something hidden under your shirt that’s rectangular in nature, makes me believe you’re military,” Luke pulls out his dog tags and Spencer smiles triumphantly. 

“Damn, am I that obvious?”

“Not to the untrained eye,” Spencer shrugs. “Are you on leave because of your foot?” Luke nods. 

“Broken foot and severe confusion got me sent home until I have a clean bill of health,”

Spencer winces. “I’m sorry to hear that,” 

Luke shrugs against his crutches. “It’s not too bad, other than my parents waiting on me hand and foot,” He lets out a small laugh and Spencer hates how much he likes it. “Which makes me feel terrible for complaining about it,” Spencer smiles. “I won’t lie and say it’s not the main reason I’m in town,”

“You don’t live here?” His heart drops but he ignores it because it would be crazy to care that much. Luke is on leave from the military because of an injury. 

“I live in New York. I came to visit my sister to get some time to breathe,” Luke rolls his eyes, but his expression still shows how fond he is of his sister even as he says, “Though I think the apple fell way too close to the tree. She nearly called out of work to take care of me,”

“You don’t seem helpless,”

“Thank you!” 

Spencer does his best to keep himself from laughing, and apparently, he thinks the best way to do this is by saying something crazy. “I could, uh, keep you company, if you want?” Spencer winces and rubs at the back of his neck. “I’ve got the day off,”

“FBI agents get Mondays off?”

“Only when they just got back from a grueling case across the country,” 

“Sounds rough,” For a moment, he wants to tell Luke that it is rough, and he’s barely sleeping, but that’s not something he needs to share. But something tells him that Luke would listen to his every word and actually hear him. Something Spencer doesn’t have much experience with. 

“I adjusted quicker than I expected. I think I actually sleep better on a jet now,”

“You guys have a jet?” Miriam appears out of nowhere and clears her throat as she pulls a cart up. “Oh, sorry, ma’am,” He maneuvers out of her way but it’s awkward with his crutches. Spencer tries to ignore his brain for finding that endearing. 

Luke loses his balance and Spencer instinctively reaches out to steady him. He doesn’t touch Luke, but the space between their skin feels electric and Spencer doesn’t know what to do with that. 

He can’t give it any more thought, however, because a moment later, Luke says, “I’d love some company if I’m not ruining your day off,”

Spencer smiles. This was the most I planned for my day, so you’re helping me out,”

“You wanna go grab coffee?” 

“I’d love to,”

Luke places the book that sparked their conversation back on the shelf, right where he found it. Miriam notices and smiles at him before telling him to have a nice day. 

Luke begins to crutch away and Spencer trails after him. He glares as Miriam smirks at him. 

She was his favorite librarian. 

---

He’s sitting across from Luke and he feels as if he’s vibrating out of his skin, and Spencer knows he should have ordered a decaf coffee the moment he takes a sip. Who needs caffeine when you have a handsome man sitting across from you focusing all his attention on you?

“Where are you from?” Luke asks and Spencer’s heart squeezes because Luke is genuinely interested in whatever he has to say. It’s so refreshing to have someone (other than his mother) hear what he has to say. He knows his coworkers mean well, but he can see their thinly veiled annoyance with his ramblings. 

“Vegas,” Spencer says, tapping at his coffee cup. 

“I bet they hate you hate casinos,” Luke chuckles and Spencer can’t help but smile. 

“I’m banned from casinos in Vegas, Laughlin, and Pahrump because of my card-counting ability,” He admits before hiding behind a sip of coffee. Luke laughs and it makes something warm in Spencer. He still can’t figure out what that means. 

“I should’ve guessed,” Luke’s smile is so bright that it almost hurts to look at it. 

“You said you’re from New York, right?” He asks, once again changing the conversation. Luke loves to compliment him and Spencer has no idea what to do with it. He’s just being nice, right?

“Yeah, the Bronx,” Spencer hums. “I love it there, but I needed a change of scenery while I’m healing,” He grins. “Well, that’s what I told my parents when I called my sister to come get me,”

“Do you just have one sister?”

“Yeah, Maria,” Luke says and Spencer can tell how much his sister means to him. It’s sweet. “She’s two years older and my best friend,” Spencer smiles. “Do you have any siblings?”

“No,” He shakes his head. “It was just me, my mom, and my dad until my dad left,” He hates that Luke is so easy to talk to because he finds himself telling him things that took him years to share with those he’s closest too. 

Luke frowns. “I’m sorry to hear that,”

He shrugs. “I’ve learned to deal with it. And I have my mom,” Spencer smirks. “And if I get too upset about it, I just get another PhD,”

Luke barks out a laugh and Spencer clutches the fabric of his sweater vest in his lap. “You are something else, Dr. Reid,”

He takes a long drink of his coffee. 

---

Their conversation flows easily and it’s nice to talk with someone and not have to talk about motives, and victims, and torture. It’s nice to talk to someone who is interested in his responses. It’s nice to talk to Luke. 

But his ego is sure to be bigger after he leaves because Luke keeps complimenting him, and he doesn’t know what to do. He remembers to thank him politely for his comments, but eventually, Spencer ends up blurting out, “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been complimented so much before,” and it ends up being one of the best things he could say because a moment later, Luke looks at him through his lashes and says something that lights a fire in Spencer. 

“I gotta say, I’m pretty rusty with flirting so it’s my best strategy,” 

It shocks Spencer so much that his knee jerks and rattles the table. He and Luke balance it, and Spencer is overly aware at how much of a mess he is. He’s kicking tables and dribbling coffee all over himself just because a man (a very handsome man) admitted to flirting with him. 

Spencer sputters in response and jerks his leg, causing the table to wobble. Luke helps him restore the balance to it as Spencer places his coffee down. He’s got a small dribble of his overly sugary coffee on the corner of his mouth and Luke is suddenly very aware of Spencer’s lips.  

Spencer quickly grabs a napkin and dabs the liquid from his face. He knows he’s blushing from the heat in his cheeks. “Flirting?” He croaks out. 

“Yeah,” Luke says, and Spencer is somewhat relieved to see a blush appearing on his cheeks too. “If that’s, um, something you’re okay with,”

“I-“ Spencer inhales and then he smiles. “Yes,”

Luke’s smile is hidden behind his coffee cup, but Spencer can still see the edges of it. “Good,”

“I’m, uh, not very good at flirting, so I can’t promise that this will go how you want it,” Spencer admits because he can’t stop admitting things to Luke. 

Luke taps Spencer’s foot gently with his own foot. “It’s already going how I wanted it to,”

Spencer can finally name what he feels now. He’s infatuated with this man. 

---

“Oh wow, it’s getting busy in here,” Luke points out. 

“The lunch rush,”

Luke’s eyes widen and he looks down at his watch. “It’s already noon?” Spencer presses his lips together to keep from smiling as he nods. “Time flies when you’re having fun,”

“Are you hungry?” Spencer asks. “I know a ramen place that’s close. Only a block away if you’re up for it,” He gestures to the crutches. 

“Definitely,” Luke grins. 

They clean up their mess and then Luke follows after Spencer as they walk out of the coffee shop. Spencer slows to an easy pace as Luke crutches beside him. 

“How long have you been on crutches?”

“About 3 weeks,” Luke says, frowning. “I hate them,”

Spencer nods. “I imagine so,” 

“You should have seen me try to get out of my sister’s car at the library,” Luke laughs. “It took me a good five minutes to balance enough to grab my crutches from the back seat,”

“At least you can still drive,” Spencer offers helplessly. 

“Yeah, that’s one thing, at least,” They come to a stop at a crosswalk and Spencer presses the button for them to cross. “Could’ve been a lot worse, too, so I’m counting my blessings,”

Spencer’s heart clenches at the idea of something bad happening to Luke. He ignores it as the light changes and flashes the walk sign. They begin crossing and when they find themselves on the crosswalk again, Spencer asks, “what happened?” Then he clears his throat and adds, “if you don’t mind me asking,”

“Nah, it’s okay,” Luke smiles softly. “My buddy Phil wasn’t paying attention and I saw a grenade before he did. I tackled him to the ground but my foot twisted in a way it shouldn’t and I hit my head when we went down. He’s totally fine, of course,” Luke rolls his eyes, but a smile is still playing on his lips. “He felt really bad that he hadn’t noticed it, but I’d rather have a broken foot than…” Luke clears his throat and shakes his head. 

“That was very brave,” Luke has a hard time shrugging with his crutches, but he tries his best. “The restaurant is just up here so we won’t have to walk much further,”

He holds the door open for Luke when they get to the restaurant and Spencer presses hard on his chest after Luke smiles and brushes against him. 

He can’t remember a time he’s ever felt like this before. 

—

Of course, despite having the day off, he gets called in on a case. He’s only ever been mildly irritated when unexpectedly called on cases. He’s never been so disappointed about it before. 

He doesn’t know how to tell Luke that he doesn’t want this to end, but he knows he has to. He can’t just part from Luke and act as if today hadn’t happened. 

Luckily, Luke has more courage than he does. 

“Could I,” Luke clears his throat. “Could I, maybe, get your number?” Spencer hates that he gapes at him for a moment. 

“Really?” He asks as he finally regains his ability to speak. 

“Um, yeah,” Luke says as he shifts in his seat. “I had a great time today, and I know I’m not here for long, but I’d like to see you again. If you’re up for it,”

“Yes,” Spencer says quickly, then bites his lip. “Yes, I would like that,” He’s worried he sounds too eager, but then Luke is grinning at him and handing his phone to Spencer. 

Spencer types in his number and triple-checks that it’s right before handing it back to Luke. Their fingers brush and Spencer forgets all about germs. 

“My work schedule is kind of crazy, but hopefully I can see you again before you go back to New York?” Spencer suggests, trying to come off as nonchalant. 

“Yeah, yes,” Luke says quickly. “I’d love that,”

“Great,” Spencer reluctantly stands up and waits as Luke does the same. “Are you okay to get back to the library?”

Luke nods. “Yeah, I’m good,” 

“I, uh, I’ll let you know when I’m done with my case?”

Luke grins. “Can’t wait,”

—-

An hour later, the team is briefed and on the jet. Spencer still hasn’t gotten rid of the buzzing of nervous energy in his veins and he feels like he’s going to vibrate out of his seat. 

“Reid, did you have like 5 cups of coffee for lunch?” Morgan asks, a smile on his face as he assesses Spencer. 

“No, I had ramen,”

“After 5 cups of coffee, right?” Elle smirks. 

“Maybe,” Spencer says, biting back a smile. 

He doesn’t need to correct them because it’s not any of their business. 

---

They touch down and they’re immediately transported to where they need to go. Spencer ends up at the police station with Hotch and he’s quick to start on victimology while the rest of the team starts conducting interviews and going to the crime scene. 

Before long, it’s late and Hotch tells them they won’t find the answer tonight, so it’s best that they head to the hotel and get some rest for tomorrow. Spencer is essentially dead on his feet, so he doesn’t argue as he’s ushered into an SUV. 

There’s enough room in the hotel for no one to have to pair up, which Spencer is glad for when he walks out of the shower to see a text on his phone. 

Hey there, Spencer Reid - Library. It’s Luke Alvez - Library, Coffee, and Ramen. Hope your case is going okay. 

He’s grinning like an idiot before he can even finish the message. He’s glad that Morgan isn’t here to poke fun at him. 

Spencer bites his lip as he wonders what he should say in response. He could keep it brief, say hello, and then go to bed. But he decides to take advantage of the time he has now that he didn’t have on the spot. He can be witty. 

Could you be more specific? I know a ton of guys named Luke Alvez that fall under the category of Library, Coffee, and Ramen. 

He places his phone on his bed and hums to himself, pleased. He’s about to walk back into the bathroom and finish his bedtime routine, but his phone is buzzing again. He all but snatches it up to read Luke’s response. 

What more do you need? New Yorker? Army? Broken foot?

Spencer smirks to himself as he types out his response. 

See, you should have started with broken foot, Luke. Much more distinguishing. 

Luke’s next message shows up soon after and Spencer can’t help but feel hopeful. Luke seems to be as interested in this conversation as he is. 

Dr. Reid, are you calling me distinguished? I thought you said you were bad at flirting. 

Spencer can feel his ears burn at the compliment. But because he’s alone in a hotel room, and apparently more charming over text, he sends, m aybe I’m better because of who I’m flirting with. 

Spencer forces himself to put his phone down this time and go into the bathroom. He brushes his teeth, towels off his still-damp hair, and then goes to the bathroom. Once he’s done, he leaves the light on and shuts the door. It’ll serve as a nightlight because he hates being in the dark. 

He’s in bed before he allows himself to open up the message that’s waiting for him. 

I’m honored. 

How’s the case going?

Spencer adjusts to lie on his back so he can use both hands to text back. He replies it’s going. We haven’t found much yet. Hopefully, we’ll be able to find more tomorrow.

Luke’s response comes in quickly. Well, don’t let me keep you up. Don’t want you too tired to catch killers! Good luck, Spencer. 

Spencer wants to tell him that he actually doesn’t need that much sleep to function because he desperately wants to keep talking to Luke, but his eyelids are drooping and he knows he needs sleep. 

Thank you.

I’ll talk to you tomorrow?

His heart is hammering in his chest as he hits ‘send’, wondering if that was too much too soon. He doesn't have too much time to panic though because a minute later, Luke’s response comes in. 

Absolutely. Goodnight, Spencer. 

Spencer is able to type Goodnight, Luke , plug his phone in, and then quickly falls asleep.

---

That night is the first night in months that Spencer doesn’t have nightmares or any bouts of insomnia. He won’t claim that Luke is his remedy, but he can’t deny that it is interesting that he had a perfect night's sleep right after talking to him.

He supposes he’ll have to keep talking to him…just for further proof of such a hypothesis. 

---

Five days later, Spencer is waiting at a nice restaurant for Luke. The team arrived back earlier this morning and Spencer had texted Luke immediately. They made plans for dinner and Spencer had been on edge since they set the time. 

7 pm sharp. 

Luke was two minutes and forty-seven seconds late. 

Spencer’s leg is shaking as he looks around the restaurant. He straightens out his sweater vest and starts to plan for the worst because he’s Spencer and that’s what he does best. 

If Luke doesn’t show, you’ll be fine. You barely know him. It’s better for him to break your heart now than further down the line. You can handle this. 

“Hey, Spencer,” Spencer jumps at the sound and feels his heart stop as he stares up at Luke. 

“Hey, hi,” He stammers out and takes Luke in. He’s wearing a dark button-down shirt with a pair of dark-wash jeans that fit him well. He’s balancing on his crutches and it causes Spencer to leap up and pull his chair out for him. 

“Thank you,” Luke murmurs. Once he’s settled, Spencer sits down across from him. “I’m sorry I’m late,” He huffs. “I keep forgetting to add time if I leave the house alone because it takes me some time to get the crutches out of the car,”

“You should have called me,” Spencer frowns, hating that Luke had needed help and he was just sitting in here. “I could have helped you,”

“It’s fine,” Luke waves him off, a blush creeping up his cheeks. Spencer drops it because he can see the embarrassment on Luke’s face. “So, how are you?” He asks, leaning on the table. 

“I’m good,” Spencer clears his throat. “Glad to be home,”

“I bet,” Luke grins. “You said the case went okay, though?” 

They are interrupted by their waitress who comes along and asks Luke for his drink order. Once the waitress has left, Spencer turns back to Luke to find his gaze already focused back on Spencer. 

“Uh, yeah,” Spencer replies. “It went well,” The waitress comes back with Luke’s drink and they put in their orders. When she leaves once again, Spencer clears his throat and asks, “how are you? How’s your foot?”

Luke grimaces. “Still a pain in the ass,” Spencer chuckles. “But other than that, I’m doing good,” He grins. “I’m better now,”

“Me too,” Spencer hides his blush behind a sip of his water. 

---

That is the night that Spencer tells Luke all about the team. He tells him that Morgan made him nervous at first because he seemed like the type that would have bullied Spencer in school. He tells him that Elle is one of the strongest people he’s ever met, JJ the sweetest. He explains that Garcia is so unbelievably good at her job while also being able to bring a certain joy whenever you talk to her. Hotch is stern, but he’s the perfect unit chief and Spencer trusts him with his life. And Gideon is the mentor that Spencer always dreamed of having. 

In return, Luke tells Spencer about his buddies in the Army Rangers, mainly one named Phil. He tells him about his family, more about his sister, and then Luke brings it up. 

“Only my parents and my sister know about me,” At Spencer’s raised brow, Luke continues. “That I’m gay,”

Spencer nods. “My mom and Gideon do. I told my mom and Gideon figured me out. He told me it was best for me to keep it to myself,” Spencer quickly adds, “He means well. He has no problem with my sexuality, but he knows how the bureau is. They’d find my bisexuality as a reason to take me off the team,” Spencer frowns. 

Luke grimaces. “Sure is fun to be different in a government job,” His good foot knocks against Spencer’s and Spencer bites back a smile. 

“I don’t mind too much. I’m pretty private,” 

“My sister knows about you,” Luke says. “Is that okay?”

Spencer smiles. “Yes,”

“Good, because I already bragged about meeting you with her,”

“Bragged?”

“Spencer,” Luke smirks. “When you meet an attractive, intelligent, and funny man at the library, you have to gloat to your sister,” Spencer flushes. “Especially because she says dating here is so difficult,”

He wants to laugh, but his brain is too stuck on Luke’s words. “So, that’s what we’re doing? Dating?” Spencer’s eyes widen as he realizes what he says. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that. I just don’t have a lot of experience with dating,” He murmurs, his cheeks red. 

Luke places his fork down and leans forward. “I’m counting this as our third date,”

“Third?” Spencer all but squeaks out. 

“Well, the coffee date was the first, and then the ramen date was second because technically we went to a different location,” Luke grins mischievously. “And now here we are. So, yes, if it’s okay, I’d say we’re dating,”

Spencer lets out a relieved exhale. “Dating,” He says, allowing the word to sit in his mouth. He smiles at Luke. “I’d say that too,”

“To a great third date,” Luke smiles, holding up his glass of wine. Spencer smiles back and raises his glass to meet Luke’s. 

“To a great third date,”

---

Their fourth date was postponed multiple times because of Spencer’s schedule, and unfortunately, Luke goes back to New York because he can’t stay with his sister forever. They make do. 

Spencer always calls Luke before he goes to bed now. Luke tells him that he doesn’t care what time it is because it’s not like he has to get up at any certain time, so they talk on the phone every night. 

Sometimes Spencer tells him stuff about the case, and on a few occasions, Luke has offered some insight or Spencer has walked himself to a conclusion. However, most of the time, they’re trading stories back and forth. Stories from their childhood, their time in school, Luke’s basic training days, Spencer’s college days. 

It becomes a routine that helps Spencer get through the day. And yes, he does seem to sleep better after talking with Luke. 

He doesn’t tell anyone that information, and he won’t tell anyone for decades. 

---

I’m headed to New York for a case. Maybe we can meet up at some point?

---

“Hi,” Spencer grins as Luke opens the door to his childhood home. 

“Hey,” Luke smiles brightly. “Can I…can I hug you?”

Spencer, famous for hating touch, nods quickly. “Yes,” 

The hug is slightly awkward because Spencer has to maneuver around Luke’s crutches and they’re still standing in the doorway, but Luke is warm, and he smells good, and Spencer is so unbelievably glad that this is how he’s spending his first time in New York (other than the murder case, of course).

“I’ve missed you,” Luke admits with a blush. 

“I’ve missed you too,” Spencer replies softly. 

They pull away and stare at each other giddily. Then Luke seems to remember where they are and he steps aside. “Come in, come in,” He ushers him in and closes the door behind him. “My parents went to a game night at their church tonight, so it’s just us,”

The words make Spencer feel nervous, but he pushes his nerves down because he only has tonight with Luke before the team boards the jet tomorrow. 

“How was the case?”

“Interesting,” Spencer hums as he follows Luke into the kitchen. “He was a vigilante, he was killing people who committed crimes, so of course, everyone believes that catching him was wrong,” Spencer frowns, but the corner of his lips turn up as he sees that there’s a meal waiting for them on the table. 

“I wanted to cook for you, but I have limited mobility,” Luke lifts one of his crutches to help make his point. “So, I figured pizza was the best choice?”

“It’s perfect,” Spencer grins. 

“Wine okay?” Spencer nods. They sit down, Spencer pulling out Luke’s chair for him and then grab their pizza. 

“I’m sorry to hear that people don’t think you should have caught the…unsub?” Luke questions, making sure he’s using the term correctly. Spencer smiles and nods. “Even if someone else did something illegal, that doesn’t make it okay to settle the score, in my opinion,”

“I agree,” Spencer says. “And the last victim…we saved him in time, but he killed his abusive parents. The unsub went after him,”

Luke grimaces. “I don’t know how you do it,”

Spencer shrugs. “A lot of nightmares,”

Luke frowns. “I’m sorry,”

Spencer shrugs again. “Comes with the job, apparently.” He remembers his conversation with Morgan and Gideon. “They’ve been better lately, though,” He doesn’t admit anymore, knowing he’d likely freak Luke out if he told him that he believed Luke was helping his nightmares. 

“Good, I’m glad,” Luke smiles.

“How are you? Are you enjoying being home?”

“In some ways,” Luke says, then his eyes meet Spencer’s and warmth spreads through him. “But I do miss DC,”

“Me too,” Spencer murmurs. “Miss DC, that is,”

“Right,”

---

When Spencer boards the jet the next morning with bags under his eyes and a large amount of sugar in his coffee, Morgan and Elle are watching him with knowing grins. He makes the mistake of asking, “what?”

“You were out late last night, pretty boy,” Morgan smirks, and Elle snickers. “You have fun?”

“I don’t know what you mean,”

“Reid, you didn’t come back to our room until nearly midnight,” Morgan waggles his eyebrows. “Must have been some lady,” Spencer turns red, and the two start to laugh. “My man!” Morgan calls and Elle laughs harder as Gideon sends them a glare from across the jet. 

Spencer ignores them for the rest of the flight and he’s rewarded with a text from Luke when they land. 

Are you still up for a call tonight even though we just saw each other?

Thankfully, the team is too focused on grabbing their things to notice Spencer’s bright smile. He texts back immediately. Of course. And because seeing Luke has boosted his confidence in this relationship they have going, he adds, is it bad that I miss you already?

Luke’s response is immediate, I’m right there with you. Call me when you’re at home xo

It should be off-putting for Luke to use ‘xo’, but it makes something in Spencer’s heart jump. It’s endearing and he can’t help but send it back later that night after they’ve spoken on the phone. He sends goodnight, Luke xo and doesn’t feel insecure about it at all. 

They are on the same page and it’s perfect. 

---

Luke takes a train to see Spencer and knowing that he traveled to see him is so intoxicating. 

Spencer has spent his entire life feeling like he didn’t fit in like he had to change himself for his peers to like him. And now, a man he was romantically interested in was riding a train to visit him. 

With a broken foot, no less. 

It was an ego boost Spencer told himself to not get used to. 

Spencer can’t cook, so for their next date, he invites Luke over and orders food. He pours the wine and makes sure the apartment is in order, then he paces back and forth as he waits for Luke to arrive. 

Logically, he shouldn’t be nervous about tonight. This is his fifth date with Luke, if they’re using Luke’s system of counting (Spencer isn’t sure if you can have two dates in one day with the same person, so he’s unsure of the coffee date and the ramen date count as two, but he lets Luke count how he wants because he looks at Spencer with such awe. Like he can’t believe Spencer would go on any date with him). 

They have also talked on the phone every night for the past two weeks, and he’s more comfortable with Luke than he has been with someone in years. Even the people on his team. 

So, logically, he shouldn’t be anxious about tonight, but he is. 

They haven’t kissed yet. Luke is clearly waiting for him to make the first move because he’s respectful and he can definitely tell that Spencer has very limited experience with romantic partners. And Spencer finds it sweet, but now it’s their fifth (fourth) date and he’s panicking. 

So, really, he shouldn’t have been surprised when he ends up blurting out, “Can I-can I kiss you?” 

The words hang in the air and Spencer desperately wants to take them back, but he’s not exactly sorry that he said them. 

“Oh,” Luke breathes out, and it’s not a great response, but at least he didn’t running. 

“I just-” Spencer suddenly becomes very interested in messing with his sweater vest. “That’s why I’m so nervous, I think. I feel like there’s a pressure for us to kiss tonight,”

“I don’t want to pressure you,” Luke says hurriedly and Spencer likes him more for it.

Spencer shakes his head. “I know, you’ve been so great, and I’m not saying there’s a pressure because you’ve put a pressure on me. I feel like there’s a pressure because I can’t stop thinking about it, and the longer we go without kissing, I feel like I’m getting more and more anxious. So maybe, if we get it out of the way now, I’ll be able to calm down.” Spencer winces. “Not that kissing you is something I just want to get out of the way,” He groans. “This isn’t coming out right,” 

“Spencer?” Luke takes a step closer to him, his crutches creaking loudly in the quiet space between them. 

“Hmm?”

“I’m going to kiss you now, okay?”

Spencer could not have heard that right…right? So he asks, “What?”

“I think you’re right,” Luke says softly. “I’d feel more comfortable if we kissed now too,” Spencer gapes at him. “I’ve been thinking about kissing you too, and I’m also making myself anxious about it, so I think it would definitely help,” Luke leans forward on his crutches, a smirk on his lips. It’s the most attractive thing Spencer’s ever seen and it takes his breath away. “And I’d rather kiss you now than have to wait all night,”

Spencer smiles and takes the final step towards Luke. His hands are hesitant to reach up and touch Luke’s face as if Luke is going to pull back and tell him he was joking. But he doesn’t. He stays in place and Spencer would even go as far as to say he leans into Spencer’s touch. 

They are centimeters away now, and Spencer looks at Luke expectantly, asking him one last time. Luke nods and that’s all Spencer needs to close the space between them. 

After the movement, Spencer wastes no time in closing the short distance and pressing their lips together. 

Luke’s lips are soft, yet firm, and Spencer knows in an instant this is the best kiss he’s had. Sure, he doesn’t have a lot to compare to, but he knows this is different. 

Luke’s stubble scratches at his skin, and instead of being a sensory nightmare, it’s actually…nice. Very nice. 

Luke’s hand moves up to tangle in Spencer’s hair, making Spencer moan softly at the sensation. Luke’s crutch topples to the floor, but neither of them react. 

They are fully wrapped up in each other now, and Spencer would gladly stay here for the rest of the night, but then there’s a knock on the door. 

Luke stumbles as he pulls back, trying to balance on one crutch. He had dropped the crutch on his bad side, so Spencer quickly reached out to steady him. He then grabs the crutch and hands it back to Luke who takes it with an appreciative smile that makes Spencer’s stomach swoop. 

“It’s the food,” Spencer murmurs. 

“Right, the food,” Luke grins. “Because we still have the rest of our date,”

Spencer feels like he floats over to the doorway to retrieve the food. 

—-

He doesn’t know how they end up on the couch, Spencer on top of Luke, holding him down with a press of his lips. Well, he does know, but it all happened fairly quickly. 

But Spencer certainly wasn’t complaining. 

They had finished dinner and then migrated to Spencer’s cheap couch with their wine glasses. Spencer had been telling Luke a useless fact about the making of said wine, and then Luke was all but launching himself at Spencer, his lips claiming Spencer’s easily. 

“Have I ever told you how hot it is when you go on a tangent?” Luke had asked and Spencer was inclined to believe him because his actions very much aligned with what he was saying. 

So, now, here they were, making out on Spencer’s shitty couch like they were teenagers. 

It set Spencer’s body on fire. 

However, all good things must come to an end, and this is ended by a pained groan coming from Luke. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Spencer says, flying up off of him. He stays on the couch, but Luke has to sit up and pull him back to close the distance. 

“It’s not your fault.” Luke grimaces. “It’s my foot,”

Spencer frowns. “I should’ve been more aware-“

“Hey,” Luke says firmly, placing his hand on the side of Spencer’s neck. “I have random flare-ups, okay. It had nothing to do with you,” Luke smirks. “If anything, you kept my mind off of it.” He glances at the clock under Spencer’s TV. “This usually sets in about 8 pm,” Spencer’s eyes glance over at the clock and they widen when he realizes it’s half past 9 pm. “Just means I need some pain meds,” Luke frowns. “Which means I should get going,”

Spencer wants to argue and tell him to stay, but he knows that wouldn’t be wise. 

“Do you need a ride home?”

“No, I’ll be okay. It’s not a long drive to my sister’s place,” Spencer stands and finds the crutches so Luke can grab them. He then helps haul Luke to his feet. 

They are in each other’s spaces again and suddenly Luke is smiling. “This date was perfect, thank you for an amazing evening,”

Spencer wants to duck his head in embarrassment but he would essentially headbutt Luke if he tried to do that with how close they are standing. So, instead, he settles for leaning forward and kissing Luke softly. When they pull back, Luke’s smile is even bigger. “Perfect date,” Spencer repeats and smiles softly. “I’ll call you tomorrow to let you know if I have a case?”

Luke nods. “I’ll be in town for a few days,”

“Good,” Spencer smiles. “I might have to take a day off if we get called in,” 

Luke chuckles. “Don’t miss work because of me, Dr. Reid,”

“Gideon and Hotch did just say that I need to take more time off,” Spencer smiles. “They never said what I had to do with that time off,”

“I could think of some things you could do,” Luke smirks, leaning in to kiss him once more. 

Spencer is about to lose himself in Luke again, but he pulls back before he can. “You should get going,”

“Kicking me out,” Luke asks, a faux pout on his lips. 

Spencer chuckles. “No, I just think if you don’t leave now, I won’t let you leave,”

Luke’s head falls back with a groan. “You’re killing me, Spence,” Spencer just smiles. 

It’s odd, hearing Luke call him Spence. He’s reminded of the time he told Gideon that JJ was the only one who called him that. Gideon had then suggested he take JJ on a date, but she had shown up with Garcia and Spencer had figured that was that. 

And now, Luke is calling him Spence. Hell, Luke had even called him cariño. 

“Goodnight, Luke,”

“Goodnight, Spencer,” 

Luke kisses him one last time and then they walk to the door. Spencer pulls it open for him and says, “let me know when you make it home,”

“I will,” Luke grins sheepishly. “Might even call you because that’s our routine,”

“Can’t ruin the routine,”

“It’s basically a tradition,”

They smile at each other and bid each other goodnight one more time before Luke crutches to his sister’s car. 

Spencer shuts the door once Luke has driven off. He leans against it and that’s when he knows. 

He’s in love with Luke. 

It’s scary, exhilarating, and completely surreal. It came out of nowhere, but Spencer had seen it coming at the same time. 

He’s in love with Luke Alvez, and he doesn’t even want to run from those feelings. He wants to stay in them, drown in them. So, he lets himself. 

---

Every time Spencer thinks Luke will be scared off and run for the hills, he stays. Not only does he stay, but he holds him close and tells Spencer how much he cares. 

Spencer thinks he talks too much. Luke sits and listens to him, without complaint, for two hours straight. Spencer thinks Luke will get tired of his schedule, Luke gets on a train (with a broken foot) to see him. Spencer thinks his schizophrenic mother will drive him away, Luke greets her with a warm heart. 

And then Luke is officially his boyfriend.

He tries to hide his giddiness as he watches Luke drive away. He feels his mother’s eyes on him, so he takes a deep breath and walks back into the living room. She’s staring at him with an inquisitive look, and he sighs. He prepares himself for a lecture on how you can’t trust men, even military men. 

But she just smiles and gives him a meaningful look.

“I’m happy for you, Spencer,”

“Thanks, Mom,”

---

“I hated that I had to leave so soon,” Luke murmurs across the line that night. Spencer’s lying on his couch, his mother borrowing his bed for one last night before he flies with her back to Vegas tomorrow. 

“Me too,” Spencer replies, placing a hand on his chest. He tries to ignore how quickly his heart is beating, but it’s pounding against his hand. He presses down tighter. “My mom liked you,”

“What can I say? I’m a natural charmer,” Luke says, and Spencer can imagine the smirk on his face. It makes Spencer chuckle. 

“Maybe she can just see how fond I am of you,” He says because it’s the closest he can get to I love you right now. 

“Fond?” Luke asks teasingly. “Careful, Dr. Reid, or I’ll start to think you care about me,”

“Well, you are my boyfriend. I would hope I care about you,” And because he feels heart rushing to his cheeks as he wonders if that was too forward, as if Luke can see right through him, he adds, “I mean, at least a little,”

“At least,” Luke laughs and Spencer closes his eyes and smiles at the sound. It makes him forget the horrors he sees. It makes him forget everything bad in the world. “Well, lucky for you, I’m pretty fond of you too,”

The phrasing feels monumental. It’s as if both of them are acknowledging this thing between them and how deep it’s gotten. It feels like an I love you before either of them are ready for the I love you . 

It’s just what Spencer needs after the case that involved his mother. 

He tries his best not to remember that time is hanging over his relationship with Luke. He knows once Luke’s foot is healed, he’ll be shipped off again. 

His brain is yelling at him to be rational, his heart is screaming at him to get as much time with Luke as possible before he’s gone again. Listening to both of them causes him to hurt in a way he never has before. 

---

They only see each other twice more before the inevitable happens. 

---

Luke comes back again and he stays at Spencer’s instead of his sister’s. Spencer surprises him and says he took time off, so they will have a full three days together.

“You know,” Luke hums from his spot on the couch. His leg is propped up on Spencer’s lap, something Spencer didn’t realize he would find so grounding. “I never thought I would be watching so many documentaries while I was healing,”

Spencer grimaces. “We can watch something else-” He’s already reaching forward to grab the remote, but Luke places his hand on Spencer’s shoulder to stop him. 

“No, no,” Luke says quickly with a smile. “I worded that wrong. I should have said that I never thought I would enjoy watching so many documentaries,” Spencer watches him carefully as if waiting for Luke to show a sign of dishonesty, but Luke just grins at him. “Profiling me, doctor?”

Spencer blushes and ducks his head. “No, I’m-” He shuts his mouth, not knowing what to say. 

Luke scoots over, bending at the knee so he’s sitting closer to Spencer. He reaches up to place his hand on Spencer’s neck, moving his head so they are making eye contact. “I love spending time with you, cariño,” His voice is soft and Spencer all but melts in Luke’s hold. “We could sit and watch paint dry together and I wouldn’t complain once,”

Spencer presses his lips together. “That’s ridiculous,”

Luke grins and leans in to kiss him softly. “Maybe,” He nudges his nose against Spencer’s, and Spencer feels so overwhelmed with emotion that he isn’t sure what to do about it. “But I stand by it,”

This time, Spencer allows his sheepish smile to tug at his lips. “I’ve always loved documentaries,”

“Shocker,” Luke interjects with a teasing smile. 

“But watching them with you is much more enjoyable,”

---

Spencer doesn’t wake up first, which isn’t surprising at all. He hates waking up early. 

He wakes up to the sound of crutches, and when he opens his eyes, Luke is standing in the doorway, one crutch under his arm, a mug of what seems to be coffee in the other hand. He hobbles in awkwardly and when he catches sight of Spencer, he groans. 

“Ah man, I was hoping to be back in bed when you woke up,”

“What are you doing?” Spencer jumps out of bed to grab the coffee out of his hand so Luke can rest on the bed. 

Luke pouts. “I was trying to bring you coffee in bed. It would’ve been breakfast, but…” He gestures to his foot. 

“So, you made me coffee and brought it in here on crutches?” Spencer asks, warmth filling his body. 

“I wanted the first time you woke up with me to actually be with me,” Luke frowns. “I was really banking on you sleeping longer,”

They settle back into bed, Spencer’s coffee steaming from his bedside table as Spencer adjusts Luke’s foot. “Well, you’re here now,” He grabs his coffee. “And now I have coffee,”

“With a ton of sugar dumped in it,” Luke grins. 

Spencer has never felt more in love in his life. He drinks the coffee to stop himself from opening his mouth and telling Luke just that. 

---

“I’m sorry you had to take more time off,” They are lying in a hotel bed in New York with a clock counting them down to when Luke has to leave. They are still naked, and typically Spencer doesn’t like the feel of skin on skin, but he feels so close to Luke in this moment. He doesn’t care about the sweat or the mess they’ve made. 

He can’t peel himself from Luke. 

“I didn’t have to,” Spencer murmurs into the space between them. “I wanted to,” He nudges Luke with his nose, smiling at him. “And I told you, they’ve been begging me to take time off. At least you finally gave me a reason,”

And that’s it, isn’t it? Luke finally gave him a reason to live outside work. Luke’s changed him completely and he’s not sure how he’s going to be without him now. 

But he can’t bring that up. Not now. He can’t ruin this bubble they’re living in by bringing up the future. He promises himself that he’ll bring it up soon, but not now. 

Right now, he just wants his brain to shut off so he can focus on Luke for the next few days. He has always had a hard time turning off his brain, but Luke makes it easier. He finally loses himself in Luke and it’s overwhelming in the best way. 

It’s amazing to see that Luke seems to lose himself in Spencer too. 

---

Their time is running out, and Spencer’s brain is coming back online and it’s screaming at him to just rip off the bandaid and ask. So, he gathers all of his courage, and he forces the words out. “Are you…is this over?” He distracts himself by running his finger over Luke’s chest. This could be one of the last times he ever touches Luke. He blinks rapidly to stop the tears from flowing. 

Luke looks up at him and they lock eyes before he murmurs, ”What?” 

“Are we over?” Spencer whispers, averting his gaze from Luke’s. If he’s going to have his heart broken, he doesn’t want to see Luke’s eyes when he does it. 

“Is that-“ Luke draws in a deep breath. “Is that what you want?”

“No,” Spencer whispers. He finally meets Luke’s eyes again against his better judgment and a tear slips free. “I-“ Luke reaches up to wipe the tear from Spencer’s cheek and he leans into the touch. “I‘ve never, um, I-“ Spencer bites at his lip and sniffs. He tries to get the words out, but he can’t. They feel stuck in his throat. 

Thankfully, Luke takes matters into his own hands. 

“I love you,” Spencer’s eyes widen and he feels his heart leap up into his throat. 

“You do?” He breathes out. 

Luke’s responding smile will forever be imprinted in Spencer’s mind. “You, Dr. Reid, made me believe in love at first sight,” Spencer feels like his cheeks are on fire because the words feel like they are coming out of a movie. They feel like they are fiction, but here he is, hearing them in person, from a man as wonderful as Luke. He can’t believe how lucky he is.  

“You know, there’s no scientific evidence that someone can fall in love at first sight. Someone can be attracted at first sight-“

“Spence,” Luke says softly and Spencer cuts off sheepishly. “I love your facts, but I’m trying to tell you that I love you more,”

“I’m sorry,” Spencer breathes out. He reaches out to gently touch Luke’s cheek. “I ramble when I’m nervous,”

“Why are you nervous, cariño?” Luke’s knuckle brushes against Spencer’s cheekbone and Spencer can’t help but close his eyes and lean into his touch. 

“Because I’ve never felt like this,” Spencer whispers. “It’s new and scary, and I hate that you’re leaving, but I know you have to,” 

“I’m sorry, cariño,” Luke says. 

“It’s not your fault,” Spencer could never fault Luke for his career choice, just like Luke would never fault him. 

“I don’t want us to be over, Spence,”

“Me neither,” Spencer swallows, and then finally , he says, “I love you, Luke,”

Spencer presses his lips to Luke’s, trying to hide from his confession, but it becomes clear he has nothing to be embarrassed about when Luke pulls him closer. 

“It’ll only be a year,” Luke murmurs once they’ve pulled away. “I’m only doing one more year and then I’ll be back,”

Spencer smiles “We can do a year,” He plays with the curls on the back of Luke’s neck. He allows himself to remember everything about this moment. He knows he will with his eidetic memory, but he takes extra care to remember the feel of Luke’s hair, the press of his skin, the smile on his face. 

“Cell service is spotty,” Luke frowns. 

“So, I’ll write you letters,” Spencer smiles. 

“We have to be careful, though,” Luke sighs “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell-“

“I’ll sign all my letters to you as ‘carino’,” Spencer suggests. 

Luke kisses him again. “I’ve never felt this way either,” Spencer moves closer to him, as close as he can get. “I never thought I would feel so much after such a short amount of time,”

“Me too,” Spencer mutters. “I really don’t want to let you go,”

“It’ll fly by,” He says, but it doesn’t make Spencer feel better. “We’ll write, I’ll call when I can, and you’ll be so busy with work you won’t even miss me,”

Spencer chuckles. “That’s very unlikely,” He kisses Luke again. He can’t seem to stop. “Then you can come back and after a sensible time,” Luke laughs, “we can get a place together, you can get your dog-“

“You don’t like dogs,”

“I like dogs, they just don’t like me,” Spencer corrects. 

“We’ll find the perfect dog that loves you,” The words make Spencer’s stomach flip. They’ve only known each other for a few months, and only been officially dating for half the time, but here they are, planning their futures. 

And Spencer isn’t scared at all. 

He’s never felt more sure about anything in his life. 

“Sounds like a plan,” 

“I can’t believe a broken foot and a library led me to the love of my life,” Spencer’s breath gets stuck in his throat and he can’t believe he’s here. “Too much?”

He shakes his head and mutters as he tries to stop himself from crying. “No,” He sniffs. “I just never thought someone, especially someone like you, would love me,”

“Well, I do,” Luke promises. “And I’m in this for the long haul,”

“Me too,” 

“Just a year,”

“365 days,”

“We can do that,”

“We can do that,”

They kiss once more, then they get lost in each other one last time. Spencer’s never felt closer to someone, and it’s cruel that he’s about to lose Luke now. 

---

Spencer boards a plane a few hours after Luke does, but they are going miles away from each other. 

Both are positive that they’ll make it the 365 days they promised each other. 

One of them will break their promise, and both of them will be miserable about it. 

Chapter Text

The first thing he thinks when he comes to is, am I dead? The second is, who’s going to tell Luke?

He blacks out before he can think of anything else. His mouth forms Luke’s name, but he never says it. 

---

When he comes to again, the lightbulb is shining in his eyes and a horrible smell overwhelms his senses. Then Tobias Hankel is telling Spencer that the other two are gone, that he’s Raphael. He’s pointing a revolver at Spencer’s face. 

---

The next time he encounters Tobias Hankel, he’s not Raphael anymore. Hankel tells him to confess his sins. He takes Spencer’s shoes and Spencer does what he can. He recites the bible. 

Then he whips Spencer’s feet. 

---

The third time Tobias Hankel comes in, he’s himself. He’s apologizing for what his father has done to Spencer. He injects Spencer with something from a vial. He says it’ll help. 

Spencer dreams of the day his father left. 

“I’m not weak,”

He can stay strong. He can stay strong for Luke, for the team, for himself. 

---

He puts a camera in front of Spencer, and he’s suddenly glad Luke is overseas. 

At least he won’t have to see me die. 

He’s forced to choose someone to save, which leads to someone dying. He’s forced to watch from a webcam as Hankel shows up and kills a couple. 

Then he sees the team show up. Hotch is talking with the local police while Gideon glances around the room. He sees the exact moment Gideon spots the webcam. 

“Reid, if you’re watching this, you’re not responsible for this. You understand me?” Gideon asks the camera. “He’s perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He cannot break you.”

Spencer isn’t so sure anymore. 

Luke used to say he was brave.

Spencer isn’t sure of that anymore either.

---

Spencer speaks to Tobias again, Tobias gives him drugs and he puts up less of a fight. 

Before the drugs take hold, Spencer thinks of Luke. He thinks of how long he’s been here, how long it’s been since Luke received his letter. Was Luke waiting for his next letter? 

He can’t help, he lets himself think the worst again. What if he comes home and I’m buried six feet underground? What will the team say if they find him at my grave? Would he even come to my grave? 

He blacks out not long after, he dreams of his mother. 

---

In between visits from Tobias, his father, and Raphael, he keeps himself sane by writing letters to Luke in his head. He tells him anecdotes about his life, trying to dissociate. He tells him about what’s going on, trying to tell Luke that he’s just as brave as he thinks he is.  

Those letters never see pen or paper. 

They’re locked in Spencer’s head for another decade. He thinks of letting them out to their intended recipient, but he sees how Luke reacted to the letters he actually penned but never sent. He can hurt Luke further with the ones trapped in his head. 

---

He dies. 

His last thought is of Luke. 

He hopes Luke will forgive him for being weak. 

---

Tobias brings him back, and he sees his saving grace. Proof he’s in a graveyard. He doesn’t realize it yet, but it’ll help save him. 

Then Tobias shifts back to Raphael and he believes Spencer coming back to life is a sign. He asks Spencer how many people are on the team. He thinks it’s Revelations. 

Raphael pulls him back into a sitting position and tells Spencer to pick a team member to die. He feels sick. He wishes Tobias hadn’t brought him back to life. Spencer refuses multiple times, even with a gun pointing at his head, and then finally, he chooses Hotch. 

He finally has a plan. 

He can only hope that Hotch understands what he means. 

---

He admits what he did to his mother. He admits he sent her away. It’s a confession. 

Spencer feels like he’s floating out of his body as he quotes Exodus.”... will surely be put to death .” His handcuffs are taken off, but he knows what’s next. Raphael tells him to grab a shovel. 

His limbs protest as Raphael hauls him to his feet and drags him outside. Every part of him wants to collapse, but he can’t. Raphael won’t let him. 

Spencer is forced to dig his own grave. He’s slow, which is good, it gives the team time to find him. He wonders how long it’s been since he gave Hotch the clue about the graveyard. He hopes his weak attempts at digging are buying enough time. 

There’s a sound in the trees and it distracts Raphael long enough for Spencer to grab the revolver. There’s only one bullet. 

He shoots Tobias Hankel in the chest. 

He hears Hotch calling for him. He hears footsteps. 

He stumbles and moves the knife away from Raphael. “You killed him,” It’s Tobias who whispers it. “Do you think I’ll get to see my mom again?” He asks and something in Spencer breaks completely. 

“I’m sorry,”

He watches Tobias die. 

It’s Hotch that brings him to his feet. His expression is one of concern and it makes Spencer want to cry. “You alright?”

Spencer grasps for him, afraid that he’s dreaming. “I knew you’d understand,” He murmurs before hugging the older man tightly. He put his faith in Hotch, and once again, Hotch proved that he was right to trust him. 

Hotch releases him and JJ is in his arms in a second. He’s so glad she’s okay. He had been worried this whole time. He had heard gunshots before Hankel had knocked him out in the field. But she was okay. 

“I am so sorry,” She whispers into his shoulder as she hugs him tightly. It hurts, but he doesn’t care. . 

“It’s alright. It wasn’t your fault,” He says, hoping that she understands how much he means it. He’s the one who told them to split up. He’s never once blamed her, and he never will. 

“Let’s get you out of here,” Gideon says. 

“Can I have a second alone?” He asks Gideon after the others have walked off. 

He’ll forever wish that Gideon had said no, even though he had no idea what Spencer was about to do next. He’ll forever wish that he hadn’t ducked down to grab the vials from Hankel’s pocket. 

He’ll forever wish that he had been stronger. 

---

When he finally gets home from Georgia, there is only one letter waiting for him from Luke. It makes sense, Spencer had only been kidnapped for a few days, even if it felt like it had been years. 

He lets the letter sit on his kitchen counter for days. It’s so different from before when he got a letter. 

There’s a lot of things that are different than before. 

---

He’s coming down from a high when he finally lets himself read what Luke sent him. 

Carino,

A whole year of knowing you down, a million more to go.

Morgan can fuck off about writing letters; I’m grateful every day for your letters. 

But I understand how you feel. Sometimes I wish I could tell more people about us, I want to share you with the world, but I know that’s not for us. Not now, at least. 

One day, I can’t wait to scream from the rooftops that I’m so in love with you that it hurts. 

Hot Army Ranger? You flatter me, carino. And don’t sell yourself short, you have game. 

Morgan would be so jealous to learn about how amazing our relationship is. 

How is/was Atlanta? That sounds brutal. 

I love you, 

Luke

P.S. what did you profile about me? Should I be scared?

Spencer starts laughing. He starts laughing because here’s this letter from Luke, asking how Atlanta was. He’s telling Spencer that the case sounded brutal. 

He has no clue that Spencer was kidnapped on that brutal case. He has no clue that he was drugged by the unsub. He has no clue that Spencer is still holding onto the drugs, still using them. He doesn’t know, because how could he?

He doesn’t notice when he stops laughing, but he thinks it’s around the same time that he grabs a pen and starts to write. 

Luke,

Something happened on a case. I was kidnapped taken by an unsub. I was gone for days. The team found me. I’m back home now. 

I’m not okay. 

I’m okay. 

Don’t worry about me. 

I love you,

Cariño

Spencer stares at his letter for a moment, flinching as he watches water leak onto the page and smear his words. He blinks rapidly, more tears falling. They keep smudging the words. He dabs at the ink with his sleeve, not caring that the ink is rubbing off on his cardigan. He needs to save his words. 

He stops mid blot and he begins to laugh again, this time his tears continue to stream down his face as he laughs. He wonders if he looks as crazy as he feels. 

“I can’t send this,” Spencer says. He’s not sure why he says it outloud, but he does, and he knows immediately that he’s right. 

He can’t send this to Luke for a multitude of reasons. He can’t worry him, for starters. Luke is overseas and he can’t do anything to help Spencer, so what’s the point of bringing it up? What’s the point of causing him grief and pain when he can’t comfort Spencer in any way? 

But the main reason he can’t send this letter is because then Luke would know . He would know that Spencer was kidnapped, yes, but more than that, he would know that Spencer is hurt…broken…weak. He would know that he’s not okay. He would know that Spencer’s lost it completely. 

He’d probably be able to tell that Spencer was using something to cope. Luke knows him too well. 

So, he waits for the ink to dry and then he shoves the letter in a box. He thinks, maybe, one day, he’ll gain the courage to send it, but he won’t today. 

He can’t because he’s still not strong enough. 

---

The team checks on him, but they don’t really check on him. They don’t point out how jumpy he is, how spacey he is, how agitated he is. 

They keep quiet, and he keeps quiet. He keeps coping the only way he now knows how. 

---

Eventually, he runs out of the Dilaudid that he stole from Tobias. He tells himself that it’s a perfect time to stop. He tells himself that he only has a real problem if he goes and finds the drugs himself. 

But then he runs out, and he needs more. 

He tells himself that he only has a real problem if he refuses to admit he has a problem. But he’s aware of the problem, so he’s okay, right?

---

Luke sends him another letter at the worst time. It’s two days after he had to go out and find more, buy more. He’s in a low place. He said he would stop when he ran out, but then he ran out, and he’s still sticking a needle in his arm. 

Luke’s letter is predictable. He’s concerned he hasn’t received another letter from Spencer. He wonders if he has begun to think the worst. 

Spencer tells himself that he’s going to respond, so he sits down and writes another letter. 

Luke,

Everything hurts, and I can’t sleep, and I don’t feel safe. I can’t stop taking it. I’ve tried, but I can’t stop. It makes it all go away, Luke. 

I need to stop before you come home. I need to be the man you love. This can’t be the thing that ruins us. 

I love you,

Spencer Cariño

He stares at the words and feels proud of them until he remembers he needs to be ashamed. 

He won’t send this letter either. 

---

Luke,

It’s been three days since I’ve taken anything. I’m going to get clean for you. I’m going to be okay by the time you get back. 

I love you,

Cariño

He signs this one cariño because he finally feels like he deserves to be called that again. He’s clean. He’s going to get better. 

He won’t send this one, but this is the best he’s felt in a while. He’s detoxing, and it’s awful, but he finally feels like he can fix everything before Luke gets home. 

---

He relapses. He cries as he tells Luke in a letter that he doesn’t even pretend to think about sending.

Luke, 

I’m so sorry. I tried so hard. 

Spencer

---

Luke’s letters become more and more desperate, while Spencer’s become more and more honest. He never sends them, though. He can’t. 

He’s a coward, he knows that, but at least he’s a coward whose boyfriend doesn’t think he’s a coward. 

He knows, though, what’s going to happen. He knows what he’s doing. He’s slowly pulling away from Luke, but he knows Luke. He won’t stop until he talks to Spencer. He won’t let Spencer push him away. 

Eventually, Spencer knows what he’ll have to do. 

And it’ll break both his and Luke’s hearts when he does. 

---

Luke, 

I love you so much it hurts. You’re one of the best things to ever happen to me and I hate that I’m going to lose you because of the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. 

Because I am, I am going to lose you. 

I’m not okay. I just woke up and the lights are too bright. It reminds me of his shed. 

Sometimes I close my eyes and I’m back there. I get triggered by things that you wouldn’t even think about. Sometimes I’ll sit in a chair that’s too wooden or too uncomfortable and I feel like I’m tied down. Sometimes I can still smell the rotten fish. The worst is when I put socks on. 

I can’t even put on socks without feeling the way he whipped the soles of my feet. 

I don’t think I’ll ever be normal again, well, as normal as I ever was. 

I can’t cope. I’m barely eating, barely sleeping, and the only thing that makes me feel better is sticking a needle in my arm. 

I don’t know how I got here, but I know it’s not something you signed up for. I know you deserve better than someone who can’t take care of himself after something like this. I wish I had been stronger, Luke. I wish I were stronger now. 

I know what I have to do, and I think it might kill me. I need to set you free. I’m going through absolute hell, and I refuse to bring you with me. 

I need to break up with you before you come home and see what I’ve become. 

Maybe then you can continue to see me as I once was. 

I don’t know what I’ll tell you, or when, but I know that it’s the clearest thought I’ve had in weeks. 

I’m sorry, Luke. 

I’m sorry I ruined our future.

Spencer

It’s the most honest he’s been in a letter, but he still won’t send it. A part of him is still holding out hope that he’ll fix himself before Luke comes home. It’s wishful thinking. 

---

One morning he wakes up and he’s disoriented and confused, and it’s comforting to know that he knows what to expect when he gets high. A high is what he needed last night, and he can’t even be upset about the hangover that comes with it the next day. 

Until he looks down at his hands and sees his chicken scratch scrawled across his palm. 

No more Luke. 

He rereads the words for what feels like an hour, but in reality, it’s less than a minute. He wants the letters to change, but they won’t. He knows that they won’t, and he knows exactly what they mean. 

He finds his phone and is surprised to see that it’s turned off. He powers it on and is met with dozens of messages from an unknown number. He searches the call log and sees that he answered the first call from that number that came through. It only lasted a few minutes. 

I broke up with Luke. 

Despite his brain screaming at him to stop, he dials into his voicemail. The automated voice tells him that he has 10 new messages. 

He listens to the first one, and it’s the first time since he’s heard Luke’s voice in months. He wishes he could let himself revel in Luke’s voice, but he can’t, because then he realizes what Luke is saying. “Please don’t do this, Cariño, I love you. I can fix whatever’s wrong.”

Spencer’s sob takes him by surprise. He hurriedly hangs up his phone, unable to listen to Luke’s other message. He already sounds heartbroken. Spencer can’t sit through another second of hearing the pain he inflicted on the man he loved. 

He allows himself to cry. His tears smudge the message on his hands. It makes him cry harder. 

---

He’s called on a case the next day, so he forces himself to put his feelings into a box and get to work. The team notices how quiet he is, but they don’t mention it. They figure it’s because he’s still processing everything that happened when he was kidnapped. 

In a way, they are right. 

They won’t ask, and he won’t offer any information. It’s what he needs.

Probably. 

---

When they return from the case, Spencer finds a letter waiting for him. It’s from Luke and it’s date is from before the phone call. He almost throws it out, almost rips it up, but he needs to have these words from Luke. The last words Luke sent him before Spencer broke his heart. 

Cariño,

I’m going to be able to call you soon, and you have to pick up because you need to tell me what you profiled about me. 

You can’t leave me hanging. 

Please answer when I call, 

I miss you, cariño,

Yours forever,

Luke

Spencer presses his fingers into the paper, into the indentation and ink of the words ‘yours forever’. 

“No, you’re not,” He whispers. “You’re not mine forever, Luke,”

He holds the letter to his chest and collapses onto his couch. He curls in on himself and cries. 

There are so many things he wants to say to Luke, but he won’t get to say any of them for years. He cries for Luke’s hurt, his own hurt, his addiction, his future, their future. He cries and cries, and he hates himself every single moment. 

He doesn’t deserve to cry. He’s the one who did this. He’s the one that hurt Luke because he wasn’t brave enough to face him after what he’s gone through, what he’s done. 

---

Luke,

Please forgive me. Please take me back. Please say we can pretend that phone call never happened.

Please don’t hate me. 

Spencer

He won’t send it. 

Luke,

I’m so sorry. You deserve better. 

SR  

He finally sends a letter to Luke, but it’s impersonal. It doesn’t make it any less true, though. 

---

Spencer hopes that Luke will forgive him one day. 

He hopes that he can forgive himself one day. 

---

He thinks of his mother, he thinks of her journals, he thinks about how she says it’s cathartic. So, he sits down to write to Luke once more, but this time, he knows he won’t send it. He writes this for himself. 

Luke,

It’s been a week, and I know I’ll never send this, but I need to say it. 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed. I’m sorry that I let this ruin us. 

I love you, and I know I’ll always love you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, but I couldn’t keep you. You deserve better than a drug addict that can’t even be honest with you. You deserve someone who can love you without being a basket case. 

I’m so sorry. 

I almost wish I had never approached you that day in the library, but I’m selfish and I can’t bring myself to think that way, because our time together was perfect. 

Until it wasn’t. 

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if you were stationed overseas when this happened. Would you have gotten the truth out of me? Would you have known what happened?

But I know, even if we were living in the same apartment, I would have kept it from you. There’s no world in which I’d be okay with you knowing what happened and how I’m coping. I need you to remember me as I was, even though I’m painting myself the villain by not telling you what you deserve to know. 

I hope you hate me, Luke, because I hate me. 

I hope you find someone who deserves you. 

I hope you forgive me one day. 

Spencer

Luke once felt like a journal, secure and receptive, it’s only natural that he becomes an outlet for Spencer throughout the years. He will write and write to the man he loves, but he knows he won’t send it, now. 

Luke won’t ever read his words again, just like Spencer won’t ever read Luke’s again. 

It’s something he has to learn to be okay with.

This is a start. 

Chapter Text

He won’t know this, but Luke will think he moved to get away from him, to hide from him. In a way, that’s true. 

Spencer moves to a new apartment to escape the memory of Luke in every corner of his home. He can still see Luke on the couch, smell him in his sheets, and feel him in the kitchen. He’s everywhere, but he’s nowhere. 

He’s not coming back, so Spencer makes it so he doesn’t have to either. 

When the team finds out that he’s moving, they ask him why. He says that his new neighbor is a nuisance. He tells them that he can afford something closer to work. He tells them he needs a change. All of them know he’s pulling a ton of excuses out of nowhere, rambling to get them to understand. 

They don’t ask any follow-up questions, but they help him move. 

Luke’s presence stays in his old apartment, and even though it’s what Spencer wanted, needed , he feels empty without the memory. He wishes he could hear Luke’s crutches on these floors, hear his voice in the halls, he wishes he could see Luke looking out these windows. 

But he won’t.

---

Now, he takes the drugs to help cope with two things, the trauma of Tobias Hankel, and losing Luke. 

It makes him spin out about Luke and how disappointed he would be about his drug use, which only makes him want to use more. It’s a vicious cycle that he can’t seem to break. 

—-

He had missed Luke before, sure, but now…now he longs for him. He feels like a part of him is gone, and the worst part is that he could’ve prevented this hurt. He could’ve been happy, happy with Luke, if he just fixed himself. 

He can’t drown himself in Luke’s words without thinking about how much it hurts. He can’t wrap himself in that sweatshirt that Luke left at his apartment without remembering that he’ll never find comfort in Luke’s scent again. He can’t look forward to the day that Luke comes home. 

But he remembers. 

Of course , he remembers the day Luke comes home. He had it etched in his head from the moment Luke told him when it would be. He had marked it on every calendar he owned. He had been counting down since Luke boarded a plane.

---

The night Luke had been scheduled to come back to the United States, Spencer gets high because he can’t stand to think about how to cope with the happiness that was stolen from him by Tobias Hankel. 

So, he uses what he learned from Tobias Hankel. He treats the pain with a needle. 

And it’s great until it’s not. 

The high starts off the same, but then everything shifts when he sees Luke standing above him as he lounges on the couch. It’s Luke, but it’s not Luke. Luke had never looked at him like that, with such disdain and disgust. 

“Dilaudid, Spencer? Really?” Luke spits out and Spencer struggles to sit up, but Luke continues to stand in front of him even when he sits up. 

“‘S not my fault, Luke,”

Luke scoffs and crosses his arms over his chest. “You could’ve been stronger, Spencer. You could have fought him when he gave you the drugs the first time,” He lets out a laugh that is cold and cruel. “Hell, you should’ve been smarter and waited for backup before you went after him. You could’ve killed JJ!”

“I know,” Spencer grumbles, running his hands over his face.

“Aren’t you supposed to be a genius?” Luke hisses and Spencer flinches back into the couch. “God, you’re a walking liability to the FBI, aren’t you?”

“‘S not true,” He argues weakly. 

“You can’t even form a full sentence, Dr. Reid,” Luke snorts and Spencer squeezes his eyes shut. 

“Can still do my job,” 

“You couldn’t even do your job right before you were getting high, Spencer,” Luke points out. “Someone who did their job right wouldn’t get kidnapped,”

“Was an accident,”

Luke huffs. “You’re lucky you didn’t die, Spencer,”

“I know,”

“You shouldn’t have gone back for the Dilaudid, Spencer,” Luke says. “I wouldn’t have. Nobody on your team would have,”

“I know,”

“You’re weak.”

“I know,” He’s crying now. He can’t stop it. 

“I’m glad you broke up with me,” Luke spits out. “I’m glad I never had to see you in such a pitiful state. You’re an embarrassment and I’m glad I didn’t have to pretend to care while I nursed you back to help,” Luke snaps. “I deserve better,”

“I know,” Spencer repeats, curling in on himself. “You deserve better,”

Spencer comes to a few hours later to a dark apartment and tear tracks on his face. When he goes back to sleep, he can’t stop himself from crying once more. 

---

The next weekday, after he dreams of Luke, he asks Garcia if she can look into a list of Army Rangers who came home recently. She asks him why, obviously, but he lies easily. He tells him that he knows someone from high school and hasn’t heard from him. She believes it and sends him the list. 

Alvez, Luke is at the top. 

He can breathe again, but his heart aches in a much different way. 

He could call Luke, tell him he changed his number, changed his address, but he gave up that opportunity. 

He’s glad though, that Luke made it home. Knowing that Luke is still on this earth, walking around just like him, is enough for Spencer to feel some sort of peace. But it doesn’t stop the hurt of knowing that Luke is home and Spencer can’t see him. 

He wants to see him. 

He knows he can’t. 

---

Seeing Luke, hearing him say things Spencer can’t stop repeating in his head, is enough to make him want to continue to take Dilaudid, but it’s also the push he needs to stop. He would much rather deal with his hurt sober than see Luke like that again. 

It’s a step. 

---

Maybe Luke would be happy to hear from him. Maybe Luke would understand why he did it. Maybe they could be friends. 

He dials Luke’s number a hundred times. 

Luke wouldn’t be happy to hear from them. Luke wouldn’t understand why he did it. They couldn’t be friends. 

He never lets himself call him. 

—-

Because the universe is exceptionally cruel, when he reaches the milestone of being clean for a month, they get a case that involves an ex-Army Ranger struggling with his PTSD. 

He’s irritable and he knows he’s not hiding it well. He keeps snapping at Prentiss, but he can’t help it. He feels like he’s crawling out of his skin, and he desperately wants to use it again, and the case makes the urge so much worse. 

It’s a horrible case anyway. The unsub is a man who doesn’t realize where he is. He’s transported back to his time in a war by construction noises. He gets shot despite Gideon’s effort to save him. 

It’s worse though, thinking about how this could happen to Luke. It makes him want to track Luke down and just…hug him. He wants to know Luke is okay, as okay as he can be. 

Miraculously, he makes it through the case without relapsing. It feels like a huge victory and it shows him that he can actually do this. He can get clean. 

---

They go to New Orleans and Spencer sees Ethan again. 

It’s good to see Ethan, an ex that doesn’t hate him. 

And for a little while, it’s great. Ethan is just the same, and Spencer can act like he’s just the same too. He can reminisce and ask Ethan why he didn’t follow through on being in the FBI. He can just…be without thinking about what a failure he is. 

But then Ethan ends up seeing right through him like he always used to, and it reminds him of Luke. Ethan seems so understanding of what he’s going through. There’s no judgment in his eyes. It makes Spencer wonder if Luke would have been the same way. 

But he can’t think like that. Thinking like that makes him want to grab the phone and call Luke to tell him everything. 

He’s a coward though, and he can’t stand the slim chance that Luke would judge him, despite the fact that Luke is the kindest man Spencer has ever met. 

—-

He’s sitting at a bar in Louisiana, watching his ex-boyfriend playing the piano, when he finally admits to Gideon, “I’m struggling,”

Gideon knows, of course, he knows. The entire team knows, even Prentiss who is still new. It's their most known secret among the group. He wonders if anyone will ever bring it up ever again. 

---

They walk slowly back to the hotel and Spencer knows Gideon is only doing it for his benefit. He’s waiting for him to open up. So, Spencer does, just not in the way Gideon thought. 

“I met someone last year,” 

Gideon pauses only for a second before matching Spencer’s strides. Spencer continues to look at the ground as Gideon watches his face. 

“Oh?” 

“He’s an Army Ranger. He was on leave for a broken foot and concussion,” Spencer smiles sadly. “We met in a library,” He finally gains the courage to look up. He’s relieved to see a smile on Gideon's face.  He knew Gideon knew about his sexuality, but that’s different than hearing about that. 

“Good for you, Reid,” Gideon finally says. 

“I broke up with him,” Spencer admits. It’s the first time he’s said it out loud. He wrote his mother a letter about it, but that’s as close as he’s gotten because no one had known about Luke. 

“What happened?” Gideon asks after a beat. 

“Tobias Hankel happened,” 

This time Gideon did stop, forcing Spencer to stop a few steps ahead of him. He turns back and Gideon is staring at him with his hands on his hips. 

“You broke up with him because of what happened to you?” Spencer nods. “Why?”

Spencer stuffs his hands into his pockets. “I can’t let him see me like this,”

“Reid,” Gideon sighs, taking a step forward. “Spencer,” He rarely hears Gideon use his first name, so it makes Spencer’s head snap up. “I’m not going to have you tell me what you’re struggling with, as I have a pretty good guess,” Spencer looks down, ashamed and humiliated. “But Spencer, that shouldn’t be a reason you break up with someone,”

“I can’t let him see me like this,” He repeats, and when he looks back up at Gideon, Spencer has tears flowing down his cheeks. He angrily swipes at them. “He’s perfect, Gideon, and I can’t ruin him,”

“You left him before he got the chance to leave you,”

Spencer runs a hand down his face. “I thought we weren’t supposed to profile each other,”

Gideon offers a small smile before he says, “You can’t ruin someone, kid, not with this,”

“It’s my burden to bear,”

“A partner is someone who should have your back, in sickness and in health,”

“He didn’t sign up for this!” Spencer snaps and then immediately curls in on himself. “He didn’t sign up to take care of an addict when he got home from his final deployment,” His arms are wrapped around himself and he feels Gideon’s eyes burning a hole in his head. “Just forget I said anything-“

“We can get you help,”

“I’m doing better,”

“Reid,” Gideon places a hand on his shoulder. “We’ll get you through this,”

“I just wish it wasn’t something I had to get through,” Spencer whispers. 

“Hey, it was forced on you, and even if it wasn’t, that doesn’t mean anything, okay? You’re strong, Spencer,”

“I don’t feel strong,” Spencer murmurs, and then Gideon is hugging him and Spencer allows himself to cry. He cries for himself, for Luke, and for the relationship he’s ruined. 

---

Things begin to look up. He misses Luke, but it’s a little more bearable. 

He sees Luke in his dreams, but none of them are bad, not like when he was high. Luke is himself. Luke still loves Spencer. 

It’s hard to wake up from those.

---

There isn’t a day that goes by where he doesn’t think about Luke. He wonders what he’s doing now. How is he coping with being home? Is he with his parents? What if he’s with his sister? Was he injured in his last few months? Is his friend Phil okay?

He wonders if Luke thinks of him. 

He hopes he does. 

He hopes he doesn’t. 

----

Things get bad again. Hotch gets suspended and tells Morgan he’s going to switch departments, Gideon is MIA, and Emily is quitting. And, on top of all of that, Chief Strauss is joining the small team of Spencer, Morgan, and JJ on the case in Milwaukee. 

It’s better when Hotch comes back, with Emily in tow, but Gideon is still missing. Hotch mentions a cabin Gideon goes to when he needs to get away. Spencer puts that information into the back of his mind and they finish the case. 

When he gets to the cabin, he finds what he had expected but it's the very thing he didn’t want to admit to himself. Gideon’s badge and gun are sitting on a table with a letter addressed to Spencer. He explains that he hasn’t been the same after Sarah had been murdered by Frank Breitkopf. 

He knew Spencer would be the one to come looking for him, and he apologized for leaving like this. 

It’s a goodbye, Spencer knows that, but it doesn’t sink in until he reads what Gideon left at the end of the letter. 

P.S.

You could never ruin anyone, Spencer. I hope you can work it out. 

He tells everyone about the letter, but he will never tell anyone about the words at the end. Those were meant for him and him alone. 

---

Later, when he and Luke reunite, Spencer will remember these words, and he’ll want to reach out and tell Gideon that it did work out, but it will have been two years too late. 

He goes to Gideon’s grave anyway to tell him. 

Chapter Text

Gideon once said that there are things that attach to you and never wash off, and it’s something Spencer can’t shake as the anniversary of Luke’s homecoming comes and goes. 

His heart still aches for Luke, but it’s more manageable now. He doesn’t reach for the phone anymore, even though his hand twitches to do so. 

He gets to a full year of sobriety, and it hurts to know that he wants to tell Luke, but he can’t. He likes to believe that Luke would be proud of him if he were to find out about the last year and a half of Spencer’s life. He thinks of Luke’s smile and imagines it’s aimed at him again. 

Just because he can deal with the loss of Luke doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss him. He finds himself still writing to him, still intending to never let Luke lay his eyes on the words Spencer pens to him. It makes him miss him less some days, but in others, it causes him to miss him more. 

Sometimes he thinks of Luke being with someone else and it makes his stomach flip. It makes jealousy curdle within him, leaving an acidic taste in his mouth as he thinks of Luke smiling at someone else the way he had smiled at Spencer. 

But he always has to remind himself that he’s not entitled to his jealousy. Luke deserves to move on. 

Luke deserves to find someone better to love him. He hopes he does, even if it makes him sick to think about it. 

---

Luke,

I’ve been clean for a year now. I’d like to think you’d be proud of me. 

I’m sorry I couldn’t be honest with you. 

I still think about you. I hope you’ve moved on. 

Spencer

---

Something shifts in Spencer when he finds out that Hotchner is getting a divorce. At first, he believes he just feels bad for Hotch, but then, as he watches his boss one night from across the jet, he realizes that he’s thinking of Luke again. 

As Hotch stares out the window of the jet, the rest of the team snoozing in the early hours of the morning, Spencer can’t stop watching him. He doesn’t need to be a profiler to be sure that Hotch is thinking of all the ‘what ifs’ and different ways he could have fixed his marriage. 

It allows Spencer’s brain to wander to the very ‘what ifs’ he’s forced himself to ignore for the past year. 

He believes that’s why he awakens in a dream to find a crying Luke in front of him. 

His heart lurches as he realizes that they are in Spencer’s old apartment. Luke’s things are sprinkled throughout the apartment, showing a life shared. There’s a dog bed in the corner and when Spencer wakes, it’ll make his heart lurch when he wonders if Luke ever got his dog. 

“We were just kidding ourselves, Spencer,” Luke says, pulling Spencer back into the contents of his dream. He frowns and Luke throws his arms out. “You’re never here! And when you are, you’re too busy thinking about a case!”

Spencer blinks and shakes his head. “Luke, this is a dream,”

“I gave up my whole life to be here with you, but you aren’t even here! I gave up my sanity to help you recover from your addiction! I gave up everything for you, Spencer! And this is how you repay me,”

“This isn’t real,” Spencer murmurs. “This is a dream,”

“How could I ever stay with someone who can’t love me enough to tell me the truth?”

“That’s why I had to let you go,” Spencer whispers, eyes darting around the room. The room begins to blend into his current apartment, Luke’s things dissolve. “I saved us from this,”

“Did you?” Luke asks, then Spencer is sitting on his current couch pressed against a different version of Luke. A happy Luke. 

“Luke,” Spencer croaks out and Luke turns and grins down at him. 

“I’m so happy you’re home, cariño,” He breathes out, pressing his lips to Spencer’s temple. Spencer leans into it. “I’m so happy to be here with you, in the future we planned,” It shatters the blissful moment and suddenly Spencer can feel his thoughts reminding him that this is just another dream. 

“No,” Spencer shakes his head. “I don’t know that it would’ve been this way,”

Luke gives him a piercing look. “But you never gave us a chance, Spence,” Luke frowns. “You never gave me a chance,”

“I couldn’t,”

“You didn’t trust me,”

“I did,” Spencer murmurs. “I did trust you, I just didn’t trust myself,”

“I would’ve loved you through everything,”

“I don’t know that,” Spencer shakes his head. “You could have stayed just to leave in a year, or five,” He moves away from Luke. “I did what I did to protect myself,”

“You were a coward,”

Spencer never gets to finish the dream, something he’s grateful for when Prentiss shakes him awake. She asks him if he’s okay, clearly noticing his discomfort while he was sleeping. 

“Bad dream,” is the only response he gives. Thankfully, she doesn’t press him on it. 

---

Spencer can admit that, on some level, the selection of his current apartment could have something to do with the lack of an elevator. He isn’t hiding from Luke, and even if he was, Luke’s foot had healed, and barring no other injuries in the last few months of his leave, Luke could easily walk up to his door and knock. But it makes him feel separated from the man in some way that he can’t truly understand. 

He curses himself day in and day out when he gets shot in the knee and is forced to crawl up the stairs. It makes him wonder if he would still be in the same apartment if things hadn’t happened the way they did. 

Maybe, in another life, a better life, Spencer was able to walk into his first-floor apartment and have Luke help him to the couch. 

Spencer tears up at the thought, but he blames it on the dull pain in his knee. 

---

Luke,

I got shot in the knee and I’ve been having to maneuver around my apartment. I moved to a place with only stairs. Maybe the universe is trying to show me how much effort you put into our relationship when you were traveling here with a broken foot. 

But I already knew how much effort you put into this relationship. You were never the problem.

I still miss you every day, but I know I did the right thing. 

I hope you’re doing well,

Spencer

---

The only time Spencer thinks of relapsing is when they lose Emily. He spends weeks on end at JJ’s, showing up at her place every time he has a craving to get rid of his feelings. He can feel the weight of the casket in his hand as they walk toward the grave, and every time, it makes him want to erase everything from his brain. 

He wishes he still had Luke. Luke who had lost many friends in the line of duty. He would know how to comfort Spencer. He would know how to ease the pain in a way that didn’t ruin with Spencer’s sobriety. 

---

Luke,

She’s gone. Emily’s gone. She’s dead. 

And it hurts and I just want to feel better. My mind keeps wandering back to how my pain was dulled with Dilaudid. 

I miss her so much. 

I wish I could talk to you. 

I miss you too, but at least I know you’re out there somewhere.

Spencer

---

He is still shocked that he openly admitted to JJ that he almost started using again after finding out that she knew Emily was still alive. They, like the rest of the team, had never acknowledged that Spencer had used after Tobias Hankel. Despite years, Spencer’s addiction went unspoken. 

Until he basically yelled it in front of the entire team and a police precinct when he was angry at JJ. 

Later, she comes to him with tears in her eyes. She shakes her head and all but spits out, “I’ll never forgive myself for it,”

“JJ-”

“I should’ve helped you after Tobias Hankel,” She furiously wipes at her eyes. “Hell, I should’ve had your back and the Hankel situation would never had happened that way,”

“JJ, I’ve never blamed you-”

“Well, you should’ve!” She exclaims, tears flowing freely. “You deserve to be mad that I didn’t tell you about Emily, and you deserve to be mad at me for not being a good partner or friend back then,”

“JJ, I would have never accepted your help back then,” Spencer whispers, smiling sadly. “I wouldn’t let anybody see me in the dark place that I was, not even my best friend,” Not even the love of my life. “Please, stop putting the blame on yourself. I’m okay now,”

JJ’s lower lip wobbles as she looks up at him. “Promise you’ll come to me if you ever , and I mean, ever , think about using again,”

“I will, I promise,” Spencer smiles softly. He holds his arms open and she sighs as she falls into his embrace. He holds her tightly and is so grateful that he didn’t push everybody out the way he did with Luke. 

He wonders if he could have kept Luke in his life in any way, if maybe they could have been friends. He wonders, once again, how badly he screwed things up. 

---

Luke,

Emily faked her own death. She’s alive. And I’m relieved, but I’m also angry. JJ knew. Hotch knew. They both watched us all grieve and they did nothing. I hate it. 

I hope you’re doing okay. I want to reach out, but I know I can’t. I lost my right to talk to you. 

I’m still sober. I didn’t take anything. I’m proud of myself. 

I don’t know why I keep writing these. I know I’ll never send them, and I could easily get a journal and put all my thoughts in there, but I won’t. You were my journal, Luke, and now it feels like it’s too late to switch. 

So, I’ll keep writing to you and I’ll imagine that you’re writing me back. 

It’s all I have left of you. 

Spencer

---

He hits it off with a few women here and there throughout the years, but nothing ever goes past a date or two. He blames everything he can: distance, schedules, chemistry, etc., but he never allows himself to think about the real reason. 

He doesn’t want to fall in love again. If he does, it means a handful of things. It means that he’s letting Luke go, it means that he’s opening himself up to be hurt again, it means that he believes he deserves love again. 

So, he lets things fizzle out with women, and he doesn’t date men anymore. 

He tells himself that he doesn’t want to be with anyone ever again. 

Then he meets Maeve Donovan and something changes. He wants to talk to her all the time, just like he felt when he first met Luke. He wants to be with her, and he longs for her, just as he did when Luke was gone. 

He falls in love quickly, so quickly that he doesn’t even truly realize it until it’s too late. If he had realized it sooner, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe he would have saved himself the heartbreak. 

---

Luke,

I met someone. Her name is Maeve. It’s the most I’ve felt since you. 

It feels like I’m betraying you.

I hope you’ve met someone new and they treat you the way you deserve. 

Spencer

---

“Have you ever been in love?” Maeve asks, her voice sweet and soothing, unaware that the question has made Spencer feel as though the breath has left his lungs. 

His thoughts flicker to  Luke, and once again, he feels like he’s betraying him by even speaking to Maeve. It’s irrational, but he knows it’s his guilt talking. Guilt for not telling Luke the truth, guilt for not treating Luke the way he deserves. 

“Yes,” Spencer murmurs after a moment. “Yeah, I have,” 

“You sound sad,” Maeve points out and Spencer chuckles. She’s very perceptive, even though she’s only met him on the phone. He bets she would be a great profiler. 

“Well, it’s a sad story,” He admits. 

“You don’t have to tell me,”

“No, I want to, I just…” Spencer draws in a deep breath. “It involves something we haven’t talked about yet,”

“Oh?”

“I’m, well,” Spencer sighs. “I was in love with a man,”

“Oh,”

“Is that, um, okay?” He feels as though his heart is stuck in his throat as he waits for her response. And finally, after what feels like hours but is only a matter of seconds, he hears the soft smile in her voice as she says, “yes, Spencer,” It’s teasing and Spencer relaxes. “So, tell me about this guy. How was it a sad story?”

“He was absolutely perfect and I screwed it up,” Spencer can’t help but let out a harsh laugh. 

“I doubt that,” Maeve says kindly, and Spencer shakes his head. 

“No, I really messed up, Maeve,” Spencer leans against the glass in the pay phone booth. He makes a note to wash this cardigan twice, just in case. “He was an Army Ranger, and he was about to come home,” His voice cracks on the word ‘home’. He finds himself wondering, not for the first time, where Luke calls home now. “Something happened to me at work, and I, uh,” He clears his throat. He wants to tell Maeve everything, but it feels wrong to tell Maeve things he couldn’t even share with Luke. So, he shortens his story. “I didn’t know how to process the trauma, so I broke up with him while he was still overseas. I never gave him a reason,”

“Do you still love him?” The answer cuts Spencer right to the core.

He hasn’t allowed himself to ask it, knowing the answer was complicated and confusing. He wants to be honest with Maeve, but he also doesn’t quite know how to explain what he had with Luke. Words don’t seem to really encapsulate how quickly Luke came into his life and how quickly he was gone from it. While Spencer’s feelings had struck him like a bolt of lightning, his feelings have lingered like the smell of rain after the storm. 

He can’t grasp the words to describe it, so he lies. 

“No, I don’t,”

He knows he should be honest, but he doesn’t want his feelings for Luke hanging over him in this new…relationship with Maeve. He loves her now, and while his feelings for Luke may never truly leave him, he can love Maeve now and want a future with her. 

His love life is finally looking up, and he finally allows himself to forgive himself for what he did to Luke. 

---

Maeve is gone now too, but she’s gone forever. She dies before Spencer can even touch her. She dies before she can ever truly know how she had saved him. 

It’s his fault, and he believes that this is his punishment for hurting someone as good as Luke. He cries and cries in the dark of his apartment. He sobs out apologies to both Maeve and Luke. He hates himself for ever reaching out to either of them. 

He should have left them alone because that’s how he’s destined to be. He needs to stop tempting fate. When he does, people get hurt. 

---

Luke,

I think I’m meant to be alone. I think it’s best. 

Maeve is gone. I couldn’t save her. 

Spencer

---

Spencer doesn’t realize until a few months later that he hadn’t thought of relapsing when he lost Maeve. It’s a silver lining that he can hold onto as he continues to suffer through his grief. He hopes Maeve would be proud that it didn’t come to his mind to cope that way. 

He hopes Luke would be proud too. 

But he can’t tell either of them, so he tells JJ. She smiles at him and he’s glad that even if he’s not fit for romantic love, he has the love of his friends. 

---

Things start to look up. It’s still hard. Now instead of dialing Luke’s number, he reaches to dial Maeve’s, but the pain is getting more manageable every day. 

He no longer blames himself for her death, not completely. He still hates himself for bringing her out in the open, but he knows he’s not responsible for Diane Turner’s obsession with Maeve. He allows himself some grace. 

It’s the most he can do right now. 

---

Luke,

I’m doing better. 

Spencer

---

He gets shot again, but at least he can walk up the stairs to his apartment. At least Blake is safe, even though she’s leaving too. He handles it better this time when she leaves. He wonders if it’s because he’s gotten used to the revolving door of BAU team members at this point, or if he’s just getting better with change. 

---

Luke,

I got shot again. This time it was in the neck. I was pushing Blake aside (SSA Alex Blake, you would love her). I don’t regret it. 

Garcia saved my life in the hospital when someone tried to kill me there too. 

It’s been a long year, Luke. 

I wish I could talk about it with you. 

I think that’s what I regret most. I wish I could have held onto you, even if we weren’t romantically involved. You became my favorite person in a matter of days, and I know I ruined it. I miss you. 

Please be okay. 

Spencer

---

Spencer goes almost a year without writing to Luke again. He feels as though he’s finally letting go of him, he feels as though a part of his heart is healing. He’s doing better with managing his grief, managing any change, and he’s so proud of himself. 

But then he gets the call that he never believed he would get. 

“Reid, it’s Gideon. You need to get to his cabin. He’s been killed,” 

He can hear the tremor in Hotch’s voice, something that he rarely hears, and it’s enough to wrench him out of his stupor. 

He drives to Gideon’s cabin and he feels like it was just yesterday that he showed up to find Gideon’s badge and gun next to a letter addressed to Spencer on the table. In reality, it’s been years, and even though Spencer meant to reach out, to keep in touch, it’s too late now. 

When he arrives at the cabin, Hotch confirms his worst fears and he loses it. He has to leave. 

Nobody follows him as he rushes to his car and leaves. He drives the rest of the night, despite his hatred for driving. He drives and drives and doesn’t respond to his teammates until he arrives at work the next morning. 

He and Derek identify the body and he loses it again, but then Derek is talking him down. He says “Sometimes you put up walls and you block us out, you can’t do that now,”. It shakes him out of it just long enough to help solve the case. 

But the words don’t stick around when he finds out his mother has Alzheimer’s. He keeps it close to his chest for a while before he tells the team. He puts up walls and blocks out his team until they burst in and demand to help. 

It’s what he needs. 

---

Spencer is beginning to realize that he is going to be the last one on this team, watching as everyone grows out of their roles on the team and leaves. For some reason, he never believed Morgan would be one to leave. He’s been here since Spencer started, the only other one that has is Hotch. He thought the three of them would be here until the end. 

But Morgan’s leaving. 

He thought he was better with change, but this is different. This feels bigger than when Elle left. Or when JJ left for a short time, or even when Gideon left. Morgan is leaving after they’ve worked together for over a decade and Spencer isn’t doing well with it. 

But he’s happy for Morgan and Savannah, and their beautiful son. 

He makes a promise to himself that Morgan won’t become like Elle, who Spencer rarely speaks to anymore. He swears he won’t become like Gideon, who Spencer thought he could reach until he died. 

He’ll try harder because he can’t lose Morgan too.

---

Luke,

It’s been a while. I thought I was doing better and I didn’t need to write to you anymore, but I was wrong. The last year and a half have been bad. Really bad. 

It started when Gideon died. He was murdered by an unsub he and Rossi couldn’t catch back in the day. We caught the unsub, but Gideon is still gone, and it hurts to know he’s not out there anymore. 

Then I found out that my mother has Alzheimer’s. I’m not coping well with the news, and neither is she. I don’t know what to do. I was already a terrible son before, leaving her in a facility, and soon I’ll be a terrible son she doesn’t even remember. 

And now Morgan is leaving. And I’m happy for him and Savannah, and little baby Hank Spencer (yes, Morgan named his son after me), but you know I don’t do well with change. 

It feels like people keep leaving and I’m scared. 

I need people to stay. 

Spencer

---

He takes his mother to Paris on a much-needed vacation, completely unaware of how much his life will change when he returns to the BAU. 

Chapter Text

“Bonjour, mon ami!” Spencer smiles as Garcia picks up on the third ring. “How is Paris?” Her accent continues and makes the chaos of the airport a little bit easier to bear. 

“Well, Paris is great, but the airport is just an airport,” He presses the phone closer to his ear to try to lessen the noise. 

“While I have missed you, I’m mad you’re not taking more time off,”

“I took six weeks, Garcia,” Spencer chuckles. 

“Yeah, but it’s France, Spencer,” She says, and he can basically hear her pouting through the line. She sighs and he can hear her clicking on her keyboard. “What can I do for you, Boy Wonder?”

“Hotch told me to check in with you before I got back,”

“I doubt he meant while you were at the airport, you moron,”

Spencer rolls his eyes fondly at her tone. “I’d like to know what I’m heading back into before I come back into the country,”

“You should be riding high on that vacation mode until the moment you walk back into the office!” She chastises. “But if you must know, the team has found a total of six of the thirteen fugitives that escaped,” A relief floods through Spencer’s body and he feels a little less guilty for taking time off. “They should be up to seven by the time you’re back,”

“That’s great news,” He breathes out. “How is it going without Morgan?” He could easily ask Hotch or JJ or Rossi, but he knows that Penelope is taking Derek’s departure about as hard as he is, maybe even more. 

“We have an agent helping us from the Fugitive Task Force. He’s good, apparently, but Hotch says he doesn’t want to work full-time with the team, which is fine because I don’t want a newbie,” He smiles softly at her defiant tone. She makes him feel less crazy for hating all the change. 

“What’s the agent’s name?” He asks out of pure curiosity, wondering if he’s heard of him before. 

“Luke Alvez,”

Spencer feels his mouth go dry and he swears his brain stops working for a few moments. “Luke Alvez?” He asks, hoping Garcia doesn’t pick up on how his pitch lifts as he says the name. He hasn’t said Luke’s name in years. 

“Yeah,” Penelope says as if she didn’t just drop the most unexpected news Spencer could hear. “The team says he’s nice, but no one can replace my sweet Derek Morgan,”

Spencer can hear the blood rushing in his ear just as he realizes that his flight is about to start boarding. He must be silent for too long because Penelope clears her throat and asks, “Spencer, you still there?”

“Uh, yeah,” He says, shaking his head as if to clear his mind. “Sorry, my flight is about to start boarding so I’m going to have to let you go,”

“No worries,” She chirps. “Can’t wait to see you on Monday!”

“Yeah, you too,” He says distractedly. “See you soon, Garcia,”

“Bon voyage, mon ami!”

He hangs up and allows himself to ignore this new information while he helps his mother navigate boarding the plane. He doesn’t truly let himself wonder what it means until he’s sitting in his seat and his mother has fallen asleep halfway through their flight. 

It can’t be Luke…can it?

There have got to be dozens of Luke Alvezes out there, and surely some of them could have found their way to the FBI. What are the chances of his Luke Alvez working with the BAU?

Well, not his Luke Alvez. Luke hasn’t been his in over ten years. 

But surely, it can’t be the same Luke. Luke had only ever been in town for his sister. He was based in New York. Why would he relocate to D.C.? Why would he become an FBI agent, knowing he could run into Spencer?

Spencer shakes his head as he thinks of how self-absorbed his thinking is. Maybe this is his Luke Alvez (and by that, he means, not his Luke Alvez), but Luke never worried about running into Spencer because the breakup didn’t do nearly as much damage as it did to Spencer. Maybe Luke never even thought about the fact that Spencer works at the BAU. 

But maybe he’s freaking out for no reason because it’s not the same Luke. 

Spencer spends the entire second half of his flight hoping it is his Luke and praying it’s not. 

---

Luke,

I heard we have a new agent joining the team. Luke Alvez. I want it to be you, but I also don’t. Does that make me crazy?

I don’t think I can face you.

I’m a coward, I know. 

Spencer

---

When he gets ready for the day, he definitely does not wear his nicest suit on the off chance that it is his Luke. 

---

When he sees JJ again, he can almost forget the question of is it Luke that has been flying through his head since he spoke with Garcia. He tells her about Paris and how his mother seems to be doing well, but eventually, he asks, “what did I miss while I was gone? Tell me about Agent Alvez,” 

Saying the name feels foreign to Spencer, especially in front of JJ and Rossi. 

“Uh, well, let’s see, he bounced between different divisions before joining the Fugitive Task Force,” JJ explains, and while it’s good information, it isn’t good enough to rule out if it’s Luke. But then Rossi chimes in. 

“Former Army Ranger,” Rossi says and Spencer feels as though his heart stops. He barely hears Rossi add, “covered most of Iraq’s worst hellholes. He’s a first in, last out kind of guy,”

To try to seem normal, he decides to put focus on someone else on the off-chance they think he's acting weird, so he asks, “what does Garcia think about him?” It’s the coward’s way out, but Spencer’s known for 10 years that he’s a coward, especially when it comes to Luke. 

---

It feels almost fitting that this is how Luke finds him. Work is what tore them apart, now it’s bringing them back together. 

“Hey,” Spencer freezes as the voice washes over him, confirming his fears and his hopes in one syllable. He slowly turns and even though he had been somewhat prepared to see Luke again, he’s not prepared for how devastatingly handsome he still is. 

Spencer wills himself to say something, anything , but he simply stares at him with his mouth open. Luke uses this time to sneer at him and say, “Luke Alvez,”. It’s cruel and cold, but it’s exactly what Spencer deserves. 

“Luke,” Spencer breathes out. “It’s really you,”

“Oh, that’s right,” Luke says, his head tilting to the side. “You know a lot of guys named Luke Alvez,” Spencer’s heart aches as he realizes that Luke is referencing the first time they texted. He wants to scream at Luke for tainting such a precious memory, but he doesn’t have room to talk. “Should I refresh your memory?” 

“Luke-”

“Broken foot, library. Army Ranger,” If Spencer wasn’t looking right at him, seeing the words come out of a familiar mouth, he would say that it wasn’t Luke speaking. His tone is unfamiliar, mean and hurt, something Spencer never heard. 

He needs to change the topic because if he doesn’t, he’s going to lose it. “I, uh, saw your name on the report,” Spencer lifts up the file in his hands, his expression unreadable. “I just wasn’t sure if it was you,”

“Well, it’s me,” Luke says, spreading his arms out. “Sorry to disappoint,”

“Luke-”

“I was hoping to be done by the time you got back from your vacation,” Luke explains and it cuts deeper than Spencer would think. Knowing that Luke knew he still worked here and he still wanted to avoid him is a knife to the heart. Any thought of Luke not caring if they ran into each other is long gone. “And truth be told, if we had already caught Cullen again, I wouldn’t be here,” 

“During his sentencing statement, he said ‘I don’t kill because I don’t have to’. He sounds like an injustice collector. How’d you finally catch him?” Luke must know he’s changing the topic on purpose, and thankfully, he finally allows Spencer to do so. 

“Cullen was always a suspect,” Luke explains. “We just couldn’t get an I.D., so uh, my partner went deep cover,” Luke clenches his fists and draws in a deep breath, something that makes Spencer want to reach out to soothe him. He squeezes his own hands into fists to stop himself. “We caught him in the act,” Spencer stares at him, giving Luke more time to explain. “After I heard how he broke out in May, I wanted to be the one to put him away again,”

Rossi and JJ come in, effectively cutting off their conversation. Spencer isn’t sure he’s relieved or annoyed that they didn’t get to speak more. He supposes that his heart probably couldn’t take more of Luke’s bitterness and it was nice to have a reprieve before they were forced to work the rest of the case together. 

---

It’s odd. He’s back at work after six weeks of being in another country with his mother, and it takes a moment to get back into the swing of things, but it’s even weirder now that Luke is in the vicinity as he tries to get used to being back at work. 

On the jet, they realize that it’s Mr. Scratch and Spencer wants to scream. Not only is he coming back after an extended leave to spend time with his mother (after she received an Alzheimer’s diagnosis, mind you) just to work with his ex-boyfriend who hates him, but now he has to deal with Peter Lewis on top of that.

He’s baiting them, using JJ’s name to call in, using Rossi’s name as an address. 

Of course, this couldn’t be a cut and dry case. 

And of course, this means that Luke will most likely continue to work with the team until they find Daniel Cullen, his need to put him away again clear. Spencer feels as if he’s on edge all of the time in Luke’s presence, and he is eager for him to leave again. 

That very thought leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He wonders what his past self would think of him for wanting Luke to leave. He feels like he’s betraying himself. 

But he knows he can’t stand this for very long. Seeing Luke, being around him while he can feel the other man’s utter disdain for him, it’s enough to break Spencer all over again. And the worst part is that he can’t even blame Luke. 

Spencer made his bed and now he’s being forced to lay in it. 

---

They find out that Peter Lewis is using people with D.I.D. in his plans and suddenly, Spencer is standing in a police precinct explaining the very thing that led to Spencer breaking up with Luke. He wants to tell Luke, explain that they’ve worked cases that have been different but involved someone with D.I.D. He wants to tell him about Tobias Hankal. 

But it’s too late. 

And even if it wasn’t, Spencer isn’t sure he can handle telling him everything. 

---

They end up catching Cullen, but it isn’t in the way Luke wanted, and it’s obvious in the way he acts. 

Spencer is in the middle of cuffing Cullen and he can feel the anger coming off Luke in waves. He feels the need to calm Luke, so he explains, “He must have dosed him to make him lose his memory so we couldn’t get answers out of him,” 

“No, we’ve met. Three years ago.” Luke steps forward, staring down Cullen angrily. Spencer is struck by the fact that his fury is much different here than when he spoke with Spencer. Luke absolutely loathes Daniel Cullen and he wonders if there’s more to the story. “What’s my name? What’s my partner’s name?”

Cullen begins shaking it and he murmurs, “I don’t know”, but it just makes Luke angrier. 

“You’re faking it.”

“Luke,” Spencer says softly, trying to break through the clear bias impacting Luke’s demeanor.

“You’re faking it!” Luke exclaims. “What’s your name?” Luke is in Cullen’s face and he’s downright scary. Spencer doesn’t recognize him. “What’s your name? Say it!”

“I don’t know,” Cullen says. “Tell me, please,”

Spencer gives Luke an apologetic look before leading Cullen out of the house. Luke stays behind and Spencer itches to comfort him, but he can’t. At least not right now. 

Chapter Text

Getting back to the hotel after the long day is a relief for the entire team. Everyone seems to be dead on their feet as they trudge to their rooms. Spencer glances over and notices Luke’s room is two doors down from his own. 

Luke doesn’t look up as he slides his keycard into the slot, his shoulders slumped and his face serious. He has barely spoken a word since they brought Daniel Cullen in. The Crimson King still doesn’t remember who he is and it’s clearly getting to Luke. 

Spencer enters his own room with a sigh as the door slams shut behind him. His room is nice, as they usually are, and his body aches to flop on the bed and pass out, but his heart screams at him to check on Luke. 

He busies himself by changing into his pajamas, hoping the clothes will help him settle into the room a little more. It doesn’t help. 

He spends a few minutes pacing his room, debating if he should go check on Luke. He goes back and forth on the pros and cons, but he finally decides to leave his room when he realizes he won’t get any sleep tonight if he doesn’t make sure Luke is okay. 

Spencer peaks out his door to ensure his teammates are in their room before he leaves his room. As he moves to Luke’s door, he comes up with an excuse in his head just in case someone were to duck their head out and see him standing in front of Luke’s room. 

Luckily, nobody does. 

He can hear Luke’s voice after he knocks on the door, but he’s not talking to whoever’s at the door. Spencer clenches his fists, hoping he’s alone. 

He wonders if Luke would even open the door if he knew Spencer was knocking, but he does. By the look in his eyes, it’s clear Luke hadn’t checked the peephole. His expression is one of surprise. 

Spencer’s eyes widen as he takes in the phone pressed to Luke’s ear. He winces and shifts awkwardly, before moving to leave. He only stops when Luke speaks. 

“Maria, I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?” There’s a soft voice still coming from the phone when Luke hangs up. He stares at Spencer as if he’s trying to figure him out. 

“Um, hi,” Spencer murmurs, hating himself for not planning this out better.  “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were on the phone,”

“It’s okay,”

“Can I-” Spencer frowns. “Can I come in?” Luke seems hesitant and it makes Spencer think of the time he showed up to Luke’s childhood home and Luke had asked to hug him. He hates how cold it feels between them now. 

He hates that it’s all his fault. 

Luke doesn’t say anything, but he steps aside, allowing Spencer to enter the room, even though he seems reluctant to do so. 

“Was that your, um, sister?” Spencer asks after the door shuts behind him. His hands are sweating and he’s glad he had changed when he got to his room. He knows that the feel of his suit on his skin right now would overwhelm him.

“Yeah,” 

“How is she?” Spencer asks even though he knows he doesn’t have the right to know about Maria. 

“She’s good. She has a kid now,” There’s a soft smile on his lips and it makes Spencer’s heart leap. “Luciana,”

Spencer can’t help but smile in response. “Like Luke?”

“She says it’s as close as she could get,” 

“How old is Luciana?”

“She’s about to turn eight,” 

“Wow,” Eight years. Luke was most likely having a blast with his baby niece while Spencer was still struggling with maintaining his sobriety. He’s missed so much of Luke’s life. Luke has missed so much of his. 

Luke sighs. “Spencer, what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to check on you,” Spencer explains as he runs his clammy hands on his sweatshirt. 

“Why?”

“Because of what happened with Cullen,” Luke’s jaw tightens and suddenly he’s turning away from Spencer as if he doesn’t want Spencer to see him. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so angry,” Spencer whispers. “And I know he’s a serial killer, but-”

When Luke cuts him off, his tone is sharp and biting. “You don’t get to do this,” He spits out after he spins back around to glare at Spencer.

“What?” Spencer chokes out, but it doesn’t take a genius to know why Luke doesn’t want to talk to him about this. 

“You don’t get to show up here and try to talk to me about shit after what you did,” Luke says, his voice breaking at the end. Spencer pretends not to notice. “You don’t get to be the person who comforts me. Not anymore,”

Spencer stumbles back, the words impacting him more than he thought possible, “Luke, I just wanted to make sure you were okay,”

“Don’t pretend to care now when you didn’t have the decency to treat me like a person ten years ago,” Spencer flinches, and Luke falters, but he doesn’t apologize. Spencer’s glad he doesn’t. Luke shouldn’t be the one apologizing. 

“Luke, I was worried. I just wanted to check in on you because something was clearly bothering you,”

“You’re right, there’s a lot of things bothering me,” Luke lets out a sarcastic laugh and it sends a pang of hurt throughout Spencer. “I get to go months without seeing you while helping your team, but then you come back just as I need to stay on the case. Then I finally get to catch the son of a bitch who put my best friend in a wheelchair, but he can’t even fucking remember me when I put him away again,” Spencer’s eyes widen at the new information. “And now, the man who broke my heart ten years ago is showing up to my door saying he’s worried about me when he didn’t seem to give a damn about me when he dumped me over a phone call,”

Spencer stares at Luke and aches to reach out to hold him, especially when he sees Luke’s hand start to shake. Luke collapses onto the bed and he buries his head in his hands. 

“I-” Spencer takes a step towards the bed, clenching his fists so he doesn’t reach for him. “I’m sorry, Luke,” Luke looks back up at Spencer with a cruel look. “For everything,” 

“Yeah, well, the apology is a little late,” He knows that this is good for Luke, getting his anger out that he’s clearly held onto for years, but it hurts to hear how cold his voice is. He’s never heard it like this. Not even when they met again a few days ago. 

“I know it is,” Spencer murmurs. 

“What happened, Spencer?”

“What?”

“What did I do?” His anger is completely gone, sorrow in its place. Spencer doesn’t know which is worse. Both make him want to cry. 

Spencer lets out a shaky breath. “You didn’t do anything, Luke,”

Luke laughs again.“Then what happened?”

“I-” Spencer runs a hand over his face, trying to calm himself. “Luke, this isn’t a good idea,”

“You’re the one that showed up at my hotel room,”

“Yeah, well, you’re the one who showed up at my job,” Spencer snaps, unable to stop himself. Luke stands up and crosses his arms across his chest. “Well, I’m sorry that I was helping your team catch escaped serial killers while you were off on vacation,”

“Well, I’m sorry that I was spending time with my mother who was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s,”

He can feel the tension in the room. He can feel the emotions swirling between them, threatening to break both of them even further. Spencer wants to run. He wants to cry. 

So much has changed between them. Spencer can’t remember a single time that they ever fought. He had been sure that eventually, they would have their first fight, but he figured it would be about something mundane, like which duvet cover to buy or whose turn it was to do the dishes. 

He never expected it to be like this. 

Spencer, being the coward he knows himself to be, can’t bring himself to apologize, but luckily, Luke is the bigger person. “I’m sorry to hear about your mother,” Luke says, sincerity clear in his voice. 

“I’m sorry to hear about what happened to your partner,” Spencer replies. 

The tension has only lessened slightly with the apologies, and Spencer knows that Luke is thinking of how they used to be when he says, “A lot’s changed, hasn’t it?”

Spencer smiles sadly. “Yeah, it has,” He can’t help but scratch at his arm, an old habit he had started while he was getting clean. Despite the layer of clothing, it still feels as though he can run his fingers across the marks on his elbows. 

“Thank you for coming to check on me,” Luke says. “I know I wasn’t…professional earlier,”

“I get it,” Spencer responds, mind flashing to the dozens of times he has found himself in similar situations. “I’ve definitely been there,” He clears his throat. “Thank you for telling me what happened. I know you don’t owe me an explanation,” Spencer lets out a humorless laugh. “That’s me, isn’t it? I’m the one that needs to explain,” He runs a hand through his hair, tugging slightly to ground himself. “But Luke, I can’t ,”

He can’t talk about what happened ten years ago. He can’t tell Luke about it. He can’t see the shame and disappointment in his eyes. And he can’t watch as his fears become true or he’s proven wrong. It’ll send him spiraling and it’s something he can’t handle right now, not with his mother’s condition. He’s barely hanging by a thread as it is. 

“What does that mean?” Luke asks, his voice pleading. 

“You deserve to know what happened, I’m sorry, but I can’t give that to you,” Spencer mumbles. “If I go back to that part of my life, I don’t-” He cuts himself off with a shake of his head. “I can’t do it, and I’m sorry, Luke,” He can feel the tears burning his eyes, but he hopes they don’t actually fall. 

“Am I just that part of your life ?” He asks and Spencer shakes his head quickly. 

“No, no ,” Spencer says firmly. “Luke, please, you have to know how important you were to me,” Luke’s image blurs due to the tears swimming in Spencer’s eyes. “You are important to me,”

“If I were important to you, you would have shown me,” A single tear falls down Luke’s cheek and he angrily wipes it away, as if he hates himself for crying. “If I were important to you, you would tell me the truth,”

Luke spins around again and starts digging in his bag, making it clear he was done with the conversion. 

Spencer stares at his back for a few moments before he makes a decision. Not a smart decision, but a decision nonetheless. 

“I fell out of love,” He states, almost nonchalantly, trying to hide any emotion from his voice. 

Luke stiffens and Spencer grabs at his sweatpants, clenching the material tightly as Luke slowly turns around. 

“What?” His eyes are filled with sorrow and surprise. 

“I-” Spencer stands up a little straighter. He can do this. He can lie. “I didn’t love you anymore,” 

Luke watches him carefully and Spencer makes sure to stand perfectly still. He’s good at lying, he’s good at hiding things from people. He can give Luke this closure, even if it’s not true. He can set Luke free. 

“I don’t believe you,” Spencer’s heart drops to his stomach. Of course, Luke would see right through him. 

“Believe what you want,” Spencer whispers. 

“Fine,” Luke scoffs at him. “How about we just act like we’ve never met before? I can follow your lead. You’re obviously very good at lying to people,” Spencer flinches and wraps his arms around himself. 

He wants to say more, to try to convey that Luke had been absolutely perfect during their relationship, and Spencer was the problem, but he can’t. “Fine,”

“Goodnight, Dr. Reid,” 

“Goodnight, Agent Alvez,”

—-

The next morning, as they arrive at the jet, Spencer hangs back and feigns tiredness when anybody asks how he’s doing. He sees Hotch eyeing him curiously, but thankfully his boss doesn’t say anything. 

They board the jet and he watches as JJ and Tara tug Luke down into the group of seats clustered together. JJ grins at Spencer as he walks by and pats the empty seat. “Come on, Spence! Let’s play some poker,” She smirks. “I think I’m finally getting good enough to beat you,”

Tara rolls her eyes and leans over to Luke to explain, “Reid’s a pro at poker. He’s been banned from a ton of casinos,” 

Spencer locks eyes with Luke and Luke nods with a fake smile on his face. Spencer knows he’s thinking about the time Spencer had told him this. It had been their first date, but it had been when they hadn’t confirmed whether it was a date or not. 

Spencer can still taste the coffee on his tongue. He can still feel Luke’s foot nudging his shyly beneath the table. He can still see Luke’s bright smile and kind eyes. 

He looks back at Luke and doesn’t see either. 

“I’m going to sit this one out,” Spencer says. “I’m exhausted. Not used to being back at work, I guess,”

JJ pouts at him but doesn’t object when he steps aside to allow Rossi to slide into the seat. “We playing for real money?”

Spencer glances at Luke one last time, his heart clenching as Luke pointedly looks away. He swallows and goes to the back of the jet, sitting in one of the lone seats. He settles in and listens half-heartedly as the group begins their game. 

He shouldn’t be surprised when Hotch plops down across from him with a knowing look in his eye. “You’re not just tired,”

Spencer sighs and leans back in his seat. “It’s just been a lot of change, and I’m not used to change,”

Hotch nods. “How’s your mom?”

“She’s doing okay,” Spencer replies. 

“I’m glad,” He leans in closer to Spencer and lowers his voice, even though the rest of the team is too engaged in the poker game at this point. “And I’m glad you took time off,”

“Me too,” He replies quietly, his mind drifting back to Paris. 

“The rest of the changes will get better,” Hotch says and Spencer wants to argue that Morgan not being here might not ever feel normal, but he doesn’t think it would do either of them any good. Hotch has seen this team change just as much as he has, more even. “I’m trying to get Agent Alvez to stay on and take the position Morgan left,”

Spencer tries not to show an honest reaction, but he knows he does in the way Hotch’s eyes flick down to Spencer’s fidgeting hands. He hopes that Hotch just blames it on Morgan leaving. 

“Sounds like a good idea,” Spencer says, clearing his throat. “He’s a good asset to the team,”

Hotch’s gaze is calculating as he nods. “You know you can talk to me if you need to, right?”

“Yeah,” Spencer croaks out with a small smile. “I know, thanks Hotch,”

Hotch gives him one more meaningful look and then stands up. He then moves to the other side of the jet to start his paperwork. Spencer should probably do the same, but instead, he puts out a piece of paper and does the only thing he can think of. 

Luke,

It’s you, and you’re more breathtaking than you were ten years ago. 

You hate me, but I deserve it. 

I’m sorry. 

Spencer

After he finishes the letter, he folds it and tucks it into the bottom of his bag. By now, the poker game is increasing in volume. He glances up and for a brief moment, he and Luke lock eyes. There’s something in Luke’s gaze, something sad and familiar. It only lasts for a moment before his expression hardens and he turns back to the group.

Spencer turns his gaze to the window and tries to ignore the burn of tears behind his eyes. 

—

Their return from the case is uneventful. It’s just the same as any other time they get back to DC, but this time, Luke is there. 

Spencer is hyper-aware of every move Luke makes and it causes his heart to clench because ten years ago, he was the same way, but now it’s different. Now, Spencer has to be aware of Luke’s movements so that he stays out of his way, not so he can invade Luke’s space. It shows how much has changed and it makes him nearly bolt out of his seat to get off the jet. 

“You okay, kid?” Rossi asks as he walks down the steps of the jet, his go-bag dangling from his hand. Luke is behind him, but Spencer just forces a smile at Rossi. 

“Yeah, just tired,”

“You’re not getting your headaches again are you, Spence?” JJ asks from beside him. He feels Luke’s eyes on him, so he focuses on JJ. 

“No, no, I’m okay,” JJ smiles softly at him and squeezes his shoulder. “Nothing a good night’s sleep can’t fix,”

JJ offers him a ride home, but he tells her he’s fine. She tells him that it’s no problem, but he assures her that he doesn’t mind taking the metro home. She sighs, but takes him at his word and then walks away, bidding him a good night. 

---

He doesn’t go home. He can’t be alone with his thoughts right now, not after everything he and Luke said to each other. 

But the problem is, he doesn’t know who to talk to about it. He can’t bring it up to his mother, it would just be too much of a burden and in the end, it would hurt even more when she forgot what they were talking about. He can’t talk to anyone on the team about it because then they’ll know, not just about him, but about Luke too. 

So, he ends up knocking on the only door he can think of. 

“Reid?” It’s weird to see Morgan with a baby in his arms as he answers the door. He wonders how long it’ll take to get used to the idea of Morgan having a son. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

Spencer stares at him for a few moments, his eyes going between the sleeping baby Morgan’s face. He finally locks eyes with Derek and shakes his head. Immediately, Morgan steps aside and ushers him in. 

“Hold on, I’ll put Hank in his crib,” He gestures to the living room. “Have a seat, I’ll be right back,”

As Derek walks up the stairs, Spencer wanders into the living room and all but collapses onto the couch. It’s like the week has finally caught up to him, because a moment later, he’s burying his head in his hands and resting his elbows on his knees. 

“Hey, hey,” He feels the couch shift, and then Derek’s hand is on his shoulder. “Reid, what’s wrong?” Spencer feels like he can’t breathe, so he presses the heel of his palms into his eyes. It staves off tears and provides a grounding pressure, but it doesn’t stop his breaths from coming out in pants. “Spencer, I think you’re having a panic attack,” 

He wants to laugh because seriously? He spent the entire week in Luke’s proximity and while he wasn’t exactly fine, he hadn’t lost it, not completely at least. Why was he having a panic attack now? Shouldn’t it have happened earlier in the week?

He knows that’s not logical thinking, knows that his body and his mind are finally catching up with the huge shift in his life. He’s finally able to process the events of the last week and they’ve chosen to come crashing over him when he comes to seek advice from Morgan. 

At least he didn’t do this in front of Luke. 

Morgan helps him calm down, and eventually, his breathing slows down and he lifts his head. Derek’s expression is filled with concern and Spencer wishes he had stayed home. He should have known something like this would have happened. 

“Okay,” Morgan says, letting out a breath of relief. Spencer is finally able to take in his appearance. He’s wearing a shirt that’s wrinkled, baggy sweatpants, and despite his worry for Spencer, he’s still holding onto a baby monitor with an iron grip. “You wanna tell me what’s going on or do you want a distraction?”

Spencer feels tension release from his shoulders at his words. This is why he had come to Morgan. “I don’t know,” He wraps his arms around himself and looks away, focusing on the coffee table in front of him so he won’t have to look Morgan in the eye. 

Morgan nods. “Okay,” 

“Actually, I do know,” Spencer croaks out. “But I don’t know if I can get it out,”

“Okay, what do you need from me?”

“Can you…” Spencer draws in a deep breath. “Can you ask me yes/no questions?”

“Sure thing, Pretty Boy,” Morgan relaxes back against the couch. “Is this about work?”

“Yes,”

“Okay, good start,” Morgan says. “Bad case?”

“No,” Spencer frowns as he thinks back on the case. “No more than usual, at least,” Morgan nods. 

“This about the team?”

“Yes,”

“Hotch?”

“No,”

“Rossi?”

“No,”

“JJ?”

“No,”

“Garcia?”

“No,”

“Yeah, figured not,” Morgan chuckles to himself. “Tara?” 

“No,”

“Is this about me leaving?” 

“No,” Not directly, at least. 

“Huh,” Morgan murmurs. “Well, I’m stumped, kid. I’ve gone through everyone on the team,” Spencer shakes his head, causing Morgan to lean forward with a raised eyebrow. “Who am I missing?” Spencer looks down at his lap and begins fiddling with his sleeves. “Oh! Garcia mentioned you guys have a new guy,” Morgan must see the way Spencer flinches because a second later, he goes, “ah, new guy?”

“Yes,”

“What’s his name?”

“That’s not a yes/no question,” Spencer points out and Morgan chuckles. 

“Guess you’re right,” Morgan’s face turns serious. “Did he hurt you? Mess with you in any way? Cause, I swear, if he did, I have no problem with-”

“No,” Spencer finally finds his voice to say, “but I hurt him,”

Morgan’s brows furrow together as he stares at Spencer. “What do you mean?”

“He’s, uh,” Spencer runs a hand down his face. “I know him,”

“Okay…”

“I met him a while ago,” Spencer clears his throat and pulls at his sleeve roughly. He knows Morgan is watching him closely, so he tries to stay as calm as possible when he admits, “we dated,”

The words feel…cheap. He didn’t just date Luke. They had been planning a future together. But now isn’t the time to tell Morgan that. Morgan hadn’t even known he was bisexual until just now. It’s best to ease him into this story. 

“Oh,” Morgan finally breathes out. Spencer turns to look at him and is surprised that Morgan doesn’t seem that surprised. He must see Spencer’s confusion because he chuckles. “You think I never noticed you checking out my muscles back when you first started,” He smirks and Spencer rolls his eyes despite the blush climbing on his cheeks. “Can’t blame you,”

“You’re the worst,” He chokes out with a laugh. 

Morgan smiles at him for a moment before he nudges Spencer with his shoulder. “You know I don’t care, right? About your sexuality?”

“Yeah, I know, it’s just…easier to lean into the heteronormative aspect of my sexuality at the FBI,”  

“So, this new guy-”

“Luke,”

Morgan smirks. “So, he does have a name?” Spencer rolls his eyes again, but Morgan ignores him and continues on. “So, you dated and what? You broke up with him?”

“Yes,” Spencer sighs. “But it’s…it’s a lot more complicated than that,” Morgan doesn’t say anything, letting Spencer know that he should keep talking, so he does. “Luke was an Army Ranger. He was on leave because he broke his foot. We met in 2006,”

“2006?” Morgan lets out a low whistle. “Damn, you can keep a secret,”

Spencer’s responding smile is small. “We, uh, dated for a few months, while his foot was still healing, but then…”

“But then he had to go back to the army?” 

Spencer nods. “He only had a year left, so we had hoped we could make it long distance. He only had two months left when I broke up with him over the phone,”

“So, what happened?”

Spencer looks up and levels him with a look. “Tobias Hankel,”

Anger flashes Morgan’s features at the name, then realization, then finally, sadness. “Spencer…”

“I couldn't let him see me like that, Morgan,” Spencer whispers, remembering his conversation with Gideon that took place ten years ago. “I was…not okay,” 

“So, you broke up with him because of what happened?”

“Yes,” Spencer frowns. “It wasn’t my proudest moment,” None of it was , he wants to add, but he doesn’t want to bring up any more than he needs to. “I broke up with him and never told him why,” He runs a hand over his face. “Well, that’s not true. Last night he asked me what happened and I lied to him and told him it was because I didn’t love him anymore, but he saw right through that,” He huffs out a laugh. “It’s unfair that he still knows me despite not having known me for ten years,”

“Why didn’t you ever tell him?”

“Come on,” Spencer scoffs. “You think I should have sent him a letter saying ‘hey, an unsub drugged me and got me addicted to Dilaudid, and that’s why I broke up with you?” Morgan flinches and it reminds Spencer of his freak-out on Gideon too. Maybe, if he tells a team member again, he won’t freak out on them. Third time’s the charm and all that. “I didn’t want him to know,”

“What about now? It’s been ten years. Might be the perfect opportunity to clear the air,”

“I don’t want to,” Spencer says firmly. “I’d rather he hate me,”

“Does he?” Spencer turns to look at Morgan with a questioning look. “Does he hate you?”

Spencer lets out a shuddering breath. “You should have seen the way he looked at me when we saw each other again,” He swallows past a lump in his throat as he remembers the cold look in Luke’s eyes. “Morgan, he introduced himself to me,” 

Derek winces. “That’s not great,”

“He was helping the team catch the escaped killers while I was on vacation when I was with my mom,” Spencer clasps his hands together and blinks at the floor. “He said he had been hoping he’d be gone before I came back,”

“So, he knew you were there?”

Spencer nods. “He was called in to help because of his work on the Fugitive Task Force,” 

“Ah,” Morgan murmurs. “So, he was tapped in to help the BAU and he wanted to get out before you realized he was there,”

Spencer nods again. “Garcia told me that we had someone helping us from the task force, she even told me his name, but I couldn’t believe it would be him. I know he’s perfectly capable of helping the BAU, but I never thought he’d…”

“Want to see you again?”

“Morgan, I broke up with him two months before he came home and gave him no reason for why I did it,” Spencer huffs out a laugh. “Why would he want to see me again?”

“So, why did he stay?”

“He needed to find the last one we tracked down,” Spencer explains. “He said if he hadn’t felt the need to find this killer again, he would’ve left before I returned,”

“But you found the guy?”

“Daniel Cullen, yeah,” He doesn’t explain the Mr. Scratch of it all, doesn’t feel the need to. “And Luke was really distraught when it happened because catching him wasn’t exactly the satisfying moment Luke thought it would be. So I went to his hotel room to make sure he was okay,” Spencer sighs. “And we fought for the first time,”

“You guys had never fought?”

Spencer shakes his head. “We were only together for a few months before he left again. All of our problems were based on distance, not each other,”

Morgan frowns. “So, you guys fought about your break up?” 

Spencer nods. “He told me I wasn’t allowed to show up and try to comfort him, and I get it,” Spencer looks down at his lap. “But I needed to check on him,” Spencer’s knee starts to bounce as he continues. “He wanted to know what happened, why I did what I did,”

“And you lied? Said you dumped him because you didn’t love him anymore?”

“Yeah,” Spencer croaks out. “I should’ve known he would have questions when I realized he was helping with the case. I should’ve prepared myself, but I didn’t, so I was caught off guard and I said the first thing that came to my mind,” Spencer finally allows himself to lean back against the couch instead of sitting up with a tense spine. “But he knew I was lying,”

“He call you out on it?”

“Yeah,” Spencer breathes out. “He started by asking what he did,” Spencer’s voice cracks and he squeezes his eyes shut. “As if it was his fault,” He shakes his head. “He just wants answers, Derek, and I can’t give them to him,” 

“Why not?”

“If I…” Spencer draws in a shaky breath. “If I tell him what happened to me, either I’m proven correct about how he would have reacted or…”

“Or you were wrong and you have to live with the fact that he would have stayed beside you,” Spencer buries his head in his hands. “And you don’t want to know, because that means you broke up with him for nothing,”

Spencer lets out a groan. “I shouldn’t have come to a profiler for help,”

“That’s ex-profiler to you, kid,” Morgan chuckles and claps him on the shoulder. “Spencer, you don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to. It’s a big secret,” He leans in, bumping their shoulders together. “Hell, you haven’t even told us the whole story and we were there to see what happened,”

“I don’t like talking about it,”

“So, don’t,” Morgan says, shrugging. 

“But doesn’t he deserve to know?”

“No one deserves to know your life, Reid,” Morgan says. “It’s always up to you to tell them,” He says it in a way that holds real weight like he knows exactly what it’s like. Then it clicks and Spencer frowns. 

“I’m sorry,”

“About what?” Morgan raises an eyebrow. 

“That you weren’t allowed the decision of telling us your story,” Morgan lets out a long sigh. 

“Thanks, but it’s okay. It ended as well as it could,” Morgan gives him a small smile. “But this isn’t about me, Reid,”

Spencer groans. “Derek, I can’t tell him, and it makes me feel like an awful person, but I just can’t,”

“Hey,” Morgan says, voice firm. “You’re not an awful person, far from it,” He offers a smile and lifts the baby monitor in his hand. “If you were, I wouldn’t have named my son Hank Spencer,” Spencer can’t help but smile at that. “Something bad happened to you, and you aren’t an awful person for not wanting to share it, even if it feels like this Luke guy deserves an explanation,”

Spencer frowns. “Wouldn’t you want to know?”

“Well, sure,” He shrugs. “But don’t hurt yourself to help him,” Spencer settles back against the couch and allows his head to rest back. “And hey,” Morgan pats his knee. “You don’t have to decide this right now. You can always decide later if you’re up for telling him,”

“I guess,”

“You said he mentioned only wanting to catch the most recent unsub? You’re probably worried about nothing since he’s going to be gone before you know it,”

“That’s a good point,”

He doesn’t bring up the fact that Hotch is trying to bring Luke on. Instead, he asks about Hank. He lets himself be distracted by Morgan lighting up and talking about his family. He even gets to hold Hank after the baby wakes up from his nap. Savannah comes home after a little while and she greets him and invites him to dinner. 

Spencer declines the invite, places baby Hank back in Derek’s arms, and bids them goodnight. 

“You call me if you need me,” Derek says, his eyes filled with worry. 

“I will, I promise,”

Spencer doesn’t realize that he won’t talk to Morgan again for the better half of six months. 

Chapter Text

Luke doesn’t leave. He accepts a job from Hotch. 

Hotch tells them in the round table room and Spencer wishes he had done it in the bullpen because then he would’ve been able to hide his reaction better. Here, in such a small space, he feels as if everyone can see his discomfort. 

He knows Luke can. 

Despite his feelings, he smiles at Luke and says, “welcome to the team,”

Luke offers him a nod and a polite smile. “Thanks, Dr. Reid,”

---

It doesn’t take a profiler to notice that Luke won’t call him by his first name. He only calls him Reid, now. 

Spencer can’t blame him for putting distance between them, but understanding it doesn’t make it hurt any less. 

---

They are told that Hotch had been tapped for a special assignment and it makes Spencer want to scream. He knows Rossi won’t take over as interim unit chief and he can’t deal with any more change right now. He feels like he’s already hanging by a thread with Luke being on the team. How much more is he supposed to take?

But then they find out it’s Emily who’s going to be joining them for a little bit. She walks in wearing a bright smile and gifts them donuts, and she even remembered Spencer’s favorite kind. 

Everything almost feels normal until Luke walks into the bullpen while Emily is profiling his desk. 

“I mean, no family photos, no significant other,” Luke walks up behind her. “Not even a plant to overwater?” Both Spencer and JJ are trying to get Emily to stop, but she’s on a roll.  “I mean, this Alvez could be a real loner type. Somebody could’ve done a real number on this guy. An ex, maybe,”

Spencer quickly clears his throat, his heart pounding at her words. 

“I mean, no doubt the army taught him order and discipline but a desk like this could mean he has commitment issues,” Emily pauses and finally looks at Spencer and JJ. “He’s behind me right now, isn’t he?”

He can’t help but smirk at Emily. “Luke Alvez, meet Emily Prentiss,” Luke greets an uncomfortable Emily, and Spencer continues. “Emily used to be a part of our team and now she’s the unit chief for Interpol in London,” 

It feels weird to introduce Emily to Luke. He had long since given up thinking Luke would ever meet anybody on the team, and now here she was. By the looks of it, Luke could feel how odd it was. 

Later, when he’s supposed to be paying attention to the case debriefing, he can’t stop thinking about what Emily had said when profiling Luke. Spencer had clearly done a number on Luke, he could see the evidence when Luke was shouting at him in the hotel room, he could see it every time he locks eyes with Luke. 

Emily was wrong about one thing though. Luke didn’t have any commitment issues. At least, not while they were together. Maybe Spencer had ruined other relationships for him too. 

The thought made him sick to his stomach. 

---

Spencer’s doing well with pretending things are normal, but then again, he’s had a lot of practice. 

It turns out that pretending like you didn’t used to date your new coworker is much easier than pretending that you’re not hooked on Dilaudid. 

He feels as though he couldn’t be less nonconspicuous. He’s not cold to Luke, he’s the perfect amount of welcoming and friendly, and he can still get his job done. 

So really, he’s doing just fine. 

Until Tara does a crossword and rattles Spencer so thoroughly that he feels as though everyone can read his mind. 

“Reid,” Tara calls. She’s sitting beside Luke, a pen poised over a book. “Ten letter word for a micro animal that’s virtually indestructible,”

“Tardigrade,” Spencer says instantly. He realizes the meaning behind it just as he registers that Luke has replied to Tara too. He can’t help but stare at Luke, and this time, he allows himself to openly stare at him because it seems as though the rest of the team is shocked at Luke’s knowledge. 

“It fits,” Tara says once she writes it in. “How’d you know that, Alvez?” She asks, eyebrow raised as she glances at him. 

Luke clears his throat. “An ex of mine once compared me to one,” He says, eyes shifting to lock with Spencer’s. Spencer feels it’s too much, too intense. So, he looks down at his lap. “Thought it was a compliment, being called resilient, but then I looked those creepy things up,” 

Spencer has to bite his lip to stop himself from exclaiming it was a compliment . 

Emily sits across from him and she winces. “That’s rough,”

“What do they look like?” JJ asks, her phone already in her hand. She taps at the screen and then cringes.  “Oof, sorry Luke,”

Luke doesn’t say anything more, but Spencer can feel Luke’s gaze burning a hole into his skin. He can’t lift his head. He’s a coward. 

—

Spencer makes sure that he’s not the first one off the jet, and if he had it his way, he would have confronted Luke when it was just the two of them left on the jet, but JJ was all but pushing him onto the tarmac before he could even blink. 

So, here he is, crossing his arms over his chest as he waits for Luke to be the last one to exit the jet. Thankfully, the rest of the team is tiredly walking off in search of their cars. He can speak with Luke plainly. 

“What the hell was that?” He asks before Luke has even finished descending the stairs. 

Luke stops in his tracks, clearly confused by Spencer’s harsh tone. Spencer takes a deep breath reminding himself that he can’t be too upset because he’s the one that fucked this relationship up. “What?”

“I thought we were pretending not to know each other,” Spencer can’t help but huff. 

“We are,”

“Then what was that story?”

“I didn’t say that it was you,” Luke scoffs. “I was simply telling an anecdote about my life,” Luke’s eyes flare and Spencer deflates with a sigh. 

“It was a compliment, you know,” Spencer says. “I told you not to look them up,”

“I had a lot of time to fill when I got home from overseas,” Luke retorts and Spencer stiffens. “Did you compliment me on my resiliency because you knew what you were about to do to me?”

Spencer’s eyes widen and he feels his heart sink in his chest. “No,” He croaks out. “No, Luke, I didn’t,” He hates that Luke would think that, even for a second. 

Luke shrugs and starts to walk away, but before he can think about it or the consequences, Spencer grabs his arm. He’s acutely aware that this is the first time they’ve touched since before they broke up. Spencer tries to ignore the fact that Luke feels exactly the same as he once had. He wonders if Luke can feel the difference in Spencer, feel the trauma and regret swimming below the surface. 

“I didn’t know, Luke,” Spencer whispers, but his tone is earnest. He pours every ounce of emotion into it, needing Luke to believe him.  ”I didn’t know then what I would do,”

“Why should I believe you?”

“I know you have reasons not to hear me out on this, but I swear,” Spencer shakes his head. “It hadn’t happened yet,” 

“It?” Luke asks, his attention on Spencer now, and it’s then that Spencer realizes what he said. He releases Luke’s arm and takes a step back as he begins to shake his head. “You mean when you fell out of love,”

“Right, yeah,” Spencer says, voice hoarse. He clenches his fists at his side and tries to calm his beating heart. 

“I knew I was right not to believe your flimsy excuse,” Luke murmurs. “Please, Spencer, just tell me what happened,” His voice is pleading and Spencer wants to give him the world, but he can’t give him this. Not right now. Not when he feels like he’s teetering on the edge of an abyss. 

“I can’t,” Spencer whispers into the space between them. He wants, so badly, to tell Luke, but the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that Morgan was right. He’s worried that he was wrong about Luke’s reaction, meaning Spencer ruined things for absolutely no reason. 

”Just know that it was for your own good,” Spencer states, and then he turns on his heel and leaves as quickly as he can. His hands are shaking, his heart is racing, and his stomach is churning. 

When he gets home, he can’t sleep. He finds it’s an adequate punishment for the hurt he’s causing Luke. 

---

Stephen Walker joins the team, and with that, Spencer finds himself having to listen to Luke describe his relationship status after a curious interrogation from JJ. After hearing of Walker’s wife and kids, JJ just can’t help herself. Ordinarily, it wouldn’t bother Spencer, but hearing Luke say that he’s “not a relationship kind of guy” breaks Spencer in a way he never thought possible. 

He wants to argue, yell at Luke that he was the best boyfriend anyone could ever want, but he can’t. He stays silent. 

Once again, he allows himself to think about where they would be now if Spencer hadn’t ruined things. He can’t see them breaking up for a mundane reason, only something traumatic would have broken them. Maybe Luke would have come back different. Maybe Spencer would have seen the way Hotch lost Haley and he would’ve called it quits. 

But the worst thing is that Spencer is fairly certain that they would still be together now if Tobias Hankel hadn’t happened. 

Maybe in another life, Spencer Reid could be happy with Luke Alvez.

But not this one. 

---

“Did you know that Newbie has a dog?” The words make Spencer’s heart crack as he paints on a smile. He hates his stupid eidetic memory for reminding him of the conversation they had the night before Luke left. 

He can all but taste the words leaving his lips. 

“We can get a place together, you can get your dog-“

“You don’t like dogs,”

“I like dogs, they just don’t like me,”

“We’ll find the perfect dog that loves you,” 

“Sounds like a plan,” 

Spencer swallows past a lump in his throat as he remembers the words Luke had said next. 

“I can’t believe a broken foot and a library led me to the love of my life,” 

“I did not,” JJ chirps, breaking Spencer out of his reverie. “And here Prentiss thought you were a lone wolf,” She nudges Luke with her elbow and grins at him. “Guess you belong with a pack,”

Luke chuckles. “Guess so,”

“What kind of dog do you have?” JJ asks. 

“She’s a Belgian Malinois. My sister got her for me for my 30th birthday,” Luke is quick to pull out his phone to show them a picture of his dog, and the love he feels for his dog is so apparent it makes Spencer warm. He’s glad that even if he didn't get the future he wanted with Luke, Luke was able to still have a part of it. And as if sensing Spencer’s thoughts, Luke adds. “She’s super friendly, loves everyone she meets.”

Spencer’s eyebrows raise quickly, reading into the lines of what he’s saying. Luke is telling him that his dog would like him. 

“What’s her name?” Spencer asks, breathlessly. 

“Roxy,” Luke smiles. “She’s the best dog, but some might say I’m biased,”

JJ and Garcia laugh and Spencer can’t help but smile at him, but he knows it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. 

He feels regret pouring over him as he thinks of the life they could’ve had. 

---

Things with his mother are getting more and more difficult as the days stretch on and Spencer feels as though he’s hanging from a thread. The team helps them as much as they can, and he leans on them when he allows himself to, but it’s getting bad. Something’s gotta give and soon.

---

They have a case in Palm Springs that breaks Spencer more than he expects. The unsub is dismembering his victims and leaving their torsos in public. It’s gruesome, as most of the cases they work on are. 

It turns out to be a gay man who’s killing in his community, trying to get his husband back in his arms through fear and manipulation. They are able to save the husband just in time, but it shakes Spencer in a way he wouldn’t have expected. 

He feels as though everything with his mom crashes into him the moment he gets a chance to breathe. Emily notices, because of course she does, and she allows him the time he needs to go to Houston to see his mother’s doctor. 

The rest of the team goes out for drinks, but Spencer waves off his invitation. He needs to get ready to fly to Texas in the morning. 

He’s just booked his flight and hotel room when he hears a knock on the door. He lets out a sigh, ready to tell Emily or JJ that he’s okay, but the words die on his lips as he pulls the door open to reveal Luke. 

Luke looks sheepish as he offers a small smile. “Look, I fully understand the irony of what I’m about to say, but I just wanted to make sure you’re okay,” Luke scratches nervously at the back of his head as Spencer stares at him with wide eyes. “This was a…rough case, and I also know you have a lot of stuff going on with your mom. Prentiss told us you were heading to Houston tomorrow, so I figured tonight was the best time to check in,” He avoids Spencer’s gaze by fidgeting with a string on his shirt. It seems so out of character for Luke to be nervous, at least around Spencer. “If that’s, if that’s okay?” Luke’s voice is uncertain and raw. It squeezes at Spencer’s heart. 

He steps aside to allow Luke in because he’s fairly certain that he’ll never be able to turn Luke away, not really. 

Luke walks in and once the door has slammed shut behind him, Spencer feels everything that has been bubbling under the surface begin to simmer out. 

“I’m, uh, I’m struggling,” He murmurs and Luke turns around. Spencer has to look away as Luke seems to take him in. He feels like he’s on display, but he doesn’t shrink back. 

Luke takes a step closer to him. “I know I’m probably the last person you wanted to show up here, but I couldn’t not check on you,” He says softly.  “If you need someone, I can call JJ or Emily, or even Garcia would probably be able to talk with you-”

“No,” Spencer says with a soft shake of his head. “I want you here,” Spencer is just as surprised as Luke seems to be at his own words, so he quickly adds, “especially after this last case,”

“Yeah, I know,” Luke breathes out. “Cases are always rough, but this one felt really…”

“Personal?” 

Luke nods. “It, uh, reminds me of that case in Mexico,” Spencer flinches because for a moment, he fears that Luke knows about what he’s been doing in Mexico, but then Luke continues. “The one you told me about in one of your letters? Where they thought the gay man was killing women,”

“Oh, right,” 

“I guess I get what you mean now,” 

“I wish you never had to find out what it felt like, but I have to admit that it was nice to know that I wasn’t…alone in feeling how discomforting it is,” Spencer sits down on the edge of the bed, his body relaxing slightly for the first time since he returned to his room. 

“I get that,” Luke replies. He gestures to the bed and raises an eyebrow. “May I?” He nods and Luke sits beside him. Spencer tries not to think about the two other times they were in a hotel room together. The last time was filled with anger and hate, something that was so utterly not who they were, while the first time was filled with love and wistfulness. 

This feels like they are right in the middle of those two instances.

“How’s your mom?” 

“She’s…” Spencer pauses, glances at Luke, and then says the truth, “not great,”

“I’m really sorry,” 

“I just…don’t know what to do to help her,” Spencer looks down, focusing on his fidgeting hands because if he locks eyes with Luke, he knows he’ll lose it. “I thought moving her to my apartment would help, but I’m regretting it now,” He admits with a sigh. “It’s why I’m going to Houston, to see her doctor and figure out what the hell I should do,”

“You’re a good son, Spence,” Spencer can’t help but glance up at Luke at the use of the nickname. It feels as though he’s ten years younger. 

“Even though I shoved her in a home as soon as I was 18?” He means it as a joke to offset the tension of the use of a nickname and the heaviness of the conversation. 

“You’ve always done what you’re able to do,” Spencer’s face scoffs and Luke places a hand on his knee. Spencer looks from Luke’s hand to his eyes. It feels like Luke’s skin is burning a hole through his pajama pants. 

“Why are you here?” Spencer blurts out. Luke frowns and moves to lift his hand, but Spencer quickly grabs it, needing some sort of contact between them as he continues. “Luke, I broke your heart and I can’t even tell you why, so why are you here?”

“Because despite everything that happened, I still care about you,” Spencer sucks in a deep breath. He always forgets how honest Luke is. He’s always worn his heart on his sleeve.

“But you were so angry before,”

“I was, and I can’t lie, I still am, but I’m trying to be more than that. It’s not healthy for me to hang onto something I can’t change, and it’s not fair to you to continue to punish you for something you did ten years ago,”

Spencer can’t help but smile, although he knows it’s filled with sadness and regret. “At least I know one thing hasn’t changed in the last ten years,”

“What’s that?”

“I never deserved you,” Luke seems to be at a loss for words at Spencer’s confession, so he continues. “Thank you for showing me kindness when I didn’t do the same for you,” Spencer squeezes his hand, reveling in feel of Luke’s in his again. He never thought he would be able to touch Luke again. This may be the last time, so he’s going to take advantage of it. “It means a lot,”

“I’m not going to let you wallow alone,” He bumps his shoulder against Spencer’s and Spencer bites his lip at the warmth that floods through him. “You want to break into the mini-bar?”

Spencer swallows. “I, uh, don’t drink anymore,” 

“Oh?” Luke asks. “Guess I hadn’t realized that when the team goes out. Sorry,”

Spencer offers a small smile. “It’s not that big of a deal. I just didn’t like the feeling after too many nights when I felt I didn’t have control over myself,” It’s not the entire truth, but it’s the closest he can get right now. 

“That makes sense,” Luke hums. “I can’t really do hard liquor much anymore,” He chuckles. “Getting old sucks,”

“Yeah,” Spencer says, his eyes flickering over Luke’s face. Luke tightens his hold on Spencer’s hand. “It does,”

---

After Luke leaves his hotel room, Spencer finds that he falls asleep quickly, something that surprises him considering everything that’s weighing on his mind. 

He dreams of Luke. He dreams of the past, but then it shifts and Luke is smiling at him from across the jet. Luke is showing up at his apartment with takeout and a blinding smile. Luke is kissing him like he used to. 

Spencer is dragged out of his dreams by his blaring alarm and he desperately longs to cling to the dream, but he knows he has to get up to catch his flight. He can’t keep his mind off the images of his dreams, his heart clenching every time he thinks of the way Luke looked at him. 

It’s only when he’s sitting on his flight that he realizes what his subconscious mind is trying to tell him. He’s no longer dreaming of his past relationship with Luke, his mind is concocting images of Luke loving him now . 

The flight attendants are going through their spiel on emergency protocols, but all Spencer can think is I still love him. 

He had known, deep down, that his feelings still lingered. They had never truly gone away, but this is different than clinging to the past. This is realizing that Luke is still very much engrained on Spencer’s heart and no amount of time was going to change that.

Just before the flight takes off, he finds himself sending Luke a text. 

Thank you for last night. It’s exactly what I needed. 

Luke doesn’t respond before Spencer has to put his phone in airplane mode, but it’s not surprising. Spencer’s flight is about to take off in the early hours of the morning, of course, Luke is still asleep. 

Spencer wishes he could fall asleep, and drift back to dreams of Luke, but his mind is too active to allow him any break. So instead, he spends the flight thinking of his mother, and when he can’t think of her anymore without tears prickling in the back of his eyes, he thinks of Luke again. 

And for the first time, he wants to tell Luke everything that happened ten years ago. 

The thought hits him harder than the realization that he still loves Luke. 

He wants to be honest with Luke. He wants to tell him what happened and explain why he did what he did. And maybe, just maybe, things can shift for them. He doubts that Luke will ever love him again, but maybe Spencer can clear the air just enough that he no longer feels guilty whenever he looks at Luke. 

---

When he lands, he finds a new text message from Luke. 

Of course. I’m here for you anytime. 

The words make him even more sure of his decision, so he sends his next text quickly. 

I think I’m ready to talk about what happened. Meet up when I’m back?

Luke’s response only takes a few moments. 

Yes. 

Good luck with your mom’s doctor. Let me know if you need anything. 

---

He has no idea that the next time he sees Luke, he’ll be coming down from a high that was forced on him. 

it’ll be like going back in time rather than sharing what happened.

Chapter Text

He knows he’s in trouble. He knows something is wrong. He knows he’s high. He knows he’s not okay. 

He’s pretty sure he rattled off Emily’s number to call. 

He can’t remember how he got here. 

Something’s wrong.

---

His thoughts have been swirling around his head, hallucinations, memories, emotions. He doesn’t know what he was dosed with, but he knows he didn’t take drugs willingly. He knows he wouldn’t do that. Not after how long it took to get sober. Not after ten years of sobriety. Not after losing Luke and seeing what he did to him. 

He wonders when he’s going to come down from this high. 

Something’s wrong.

---

Spencer is sitting on a hard wooden bench, his entire body sore as if he’s been thrown around by an unsub. His arms are wrapped around himself as he stares at the ground. 

He’s pulled from his dissociative state by a voice. 

“Hey, Reid,” He looks up because he knows he’s Reid. He knows that now. It took him a while to remember. A familiar man is standing on the other side of the cell, gripping the bars tightly as he stares at Spencer. Something tickles at the back of Spencer’s mind, at the bottom of his heart. He tries his hardest to recall this man. He knows that this man is important to him. “It’s good to see you,” The man says and Spencer clutches his arms tightly. “It’s me, Spence. It’s Luke,”

Luke .

He’s thrown back to ten years ago, almost eleven now, meeting a man with a broken foot in a library. Bright expressive eyes staring at him with intrigue and a kindness that Spencer wants to know. 

He’s thrown forward, only slightly, standing in front of the same man. Then suddenly, they are wrapped up in each other, their lips connected in a sweet kiss.

He’s catapulted into a memory of the warm body of the man in front of him, hotel sheets covering them as they lose themselves to each other. 

He flickers through memories of reading and writing letters to this man. 

And finally, he’s breaking this man’s heart over the phone, in a state similar to this. 

“Luke,” He breathes out. It all seems to click into place as he struggles to get to his feet. He makes his way over to the bars of the cell. 

He knows who Luke is, of course, he knows. He knows that Luke was his first love. He knows that he broke Luke’s heart. He knows that Luke resents him now. 

And suddenly, for the first time, he can remember everything about the moment he broke up with Luke. 

In this state, with the drugs pumping through his system, he remembers it clearly. This is how he felt the last time he spoke to Luke ten years ago. It makes him nauseous and dizzy and sad. 

He wants to blurt this out, and he almost does. He looks at Luke and almost says, “This is how I was when I broke up with you,” but somewhere, he finds the strength to bite his tongue before he spills his biggest secret to the one who most deserves to know it. 

“Thank you for coming,” is what he ends up getting out.

“Of course,” Luke says softly, his expression tender as he stares at Spencer. 

Emily and Rossi come over and Spencer wants to cry in relief. This is really happening. He was able to get them to call Emily, and now the three of them were here to help him. 

He’s still high, he’s still not okay, and something is still wrong, but his team is here. 

He explains what he remembers, which isn’t much. 

“And you’ve been drugged,” Emily concludes and Spencer wants to cry. 

He’s shaking his head as he murmurs “Yeah, but I didn’t take it myself,” That’s the only thing he’s certain of. 

“No, of course, you didn’t, Spencer,” Emily says, her tone soft and understanding. He desperately wants to hug her as he realizes that she believes him. She knows he didn’t break his sobriety. 

In the back of his head, he’s aware of the fact that Luke is now seeing him in a state he swore Luke would never see. He’s aware that Luke might know why Emily is so convinced he was drugged and that he didn’t take anything on his own. 

But there are more important things to work through, so he ignores it. 

---

In a matter of hours, he’s coming down from his high, he’s being charged with murder, and he’s headed to a maximum security prison in Mexico. 

It’s a nightmare that he can’t fight his way out of. 

---

He’s completely lost hope as he is led through the doors of the jail. The handcuffs are chafing him, his head aches, and his eyes burn, but he can’t do anything. 

But then he hears Luke. At first, he thinks it’s his mind playing tricks on him, but then the officers are turning towards Luke as he catches up with them. 

“We just got word that he’s under our jurisdiction. We’ll be taking him back to the U.S., okay?” Spencer feels relief washing over him in waves as Luke takes a step towards him. He nods at the officers and adds in, “Great, thanks,” before moving his hand to Spencer’s back.

He’s leading Spencer back the way he can, Luke’s hand moving up to Spencer’s shoulder as they make their way to Emily and Rossi. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Spencer admits, unable to stop himself from leaning against Luke. Luke squeezes his shoulders in response. 

---

Luke doesn’t leave his side once until he has to. He allows Spencer to sleep on his shoulder on the plane. He’s the one that places the cuffs back on Spencer’s hands. He’s the one that drapes a jacket over the cuffs when they get to the bureau. He’s the one that offers to take him to the federal prison with Rossi. 

It’s the first time Spencer allows himself to think that maybe Luke still has feelings for him too. 

He’s quick to shut that theory down. 

---

Spencer is sent to prison because there is overcrowding in the jail. 

He’s not sure if he can get through this. This might be the end of him. 

He never tells anyone that he thinks this, and for the rest of his life, he’ll never speak of the utter hopelessness he felt. 

---

His team is trying their best, he knows that. He knows that Emily and JJ won’t rest until he’s out. He knows Rossi was willing to spend millions on his bail. He knows Penelope and Tara are thinking of how to make it better for him in here. 

He tries not to think of what Luke thinks of him now. 

---

He gets his first batch of letters a few days after he arrives. JJ’s letter is long and she doesn’t mention his situation. All she does is talk about her boys and how Henry is planning the next Uncle Spencer day. It’s sweet, but it just reminds him that he’s stuck in here. 

Rossi’s letter is filled with statistics on prisons that Spencer can imagine him looking into as soon as he realized Spencer wasn’t being kept in a jail. The stats are bleak, but Rossi ends the letter with a firm you’ve always been one for defying the odds, kiddo.

Penelope’s letter is colorful and filled with optimism, but he can see the smudges of ink from where teardrops had fallen.

Emily and Tara are both matter-of-fact, explaining that they’ll do whatever they can do to get him out. 

Stephen Walker explains that he knows that Spencer might not want to hear from him, but he wants Spencer to know that he believes his story, despite only knowing him for a few months. 

But Luke’s is what breaks him because he had truly not expected Luke to write him. 

Spencer,

You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. Have I ever told you that? I feel like I should’ve if I haven’t. I should’ve told you a lot of things that I know I didn’t. 

The most important thing though is that I get it now, Spence. It is a compliment, but it wasn’t meant for me. I’m not the tardigrade, you are. 

But you’re much more handsome than one of those monstrosities. 

I’m going to do everything I can to get you out. I promise. 

Luke

Spencer keeps that letter under his pillow. 

---

Spencer’s never one to keep his head down if someone is in trouble, so it’s not shocking when he gets attacked following his defense of Delgado. 

The only regret he has is agreeing to visiting hours. 

He’s missed Penelope, but she is the worst person to see him like this. She takes one look at his bruises and tears are swimming in her eyes before he even sits down. 

“Spencer,” She gasps out. 

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” He lies. 

“Spencer, what happened?”

“It’s not important,” He says softly. “It’s fine,”

She leans closer. “No, it’s not fine, Spencer!” She whispers at him, eyes assessing his injuries carefully. “You’re hurt,” She blinks a few times, and then she’s moving to get up. “I need to talk to the warden-”

“Penelope, please ,” He says quickly. She pauses and he gives her an imploring look. “It’ll just make things worse,”

She settles in her seat again, though he can see the reluctance in her action. “But Spencer-”

“Please, Garcia,” Spencer whispers. “Just trust me on this, okay?”

“Okay,” She murmurs. She quickly wipes her tears away. “Okay,”

“Thank you,”

---

Luke comes to visit, but not him. 

Luke came to see Shaw.

He’s not sure why, but it hurts to know that Luke was here but he didn’t try to see Spencer. 

Spencer has to remind himself that Luke shouldn’t want to visit him. Just because things had been getting better between them doesn’t mean that Luke wants to see him. No matter what, Spencer still hurt him. 

---

Things quickly tumble out of control. Luis Delgado is killed right in front of him, Shaw turns on him, he poisons the drugs. Then he gets to see his mom, but Lindsey Vaughn is masquerading as his nurse and he has to convince the team that his mom is in danger. And now his mom has been taken and he’s stuck in here, unable to help his mother. 

Spencer is spiraling, and he’s so close to giving up, but Luke’s words are echoing in his head. Spencer, you can’t blame yourself for the things that happen in here, okay? 

He said it when he had come to visit Spencer because he did visit. He visited when Spencer was at his lowest, and just like ten years ago, Luke made Spencer feel better. Somehow, despite the incredibly bleak circumstances, Luke made him feel hopeful again. 

Luke Alvez is, and always was, the person Spencer needs in order to keep going. Even when Spencer broke up with him, he continued to live his life knowing that he had saved Luke from Spencer’s trauma. He was able to keep pushing through everything life threw at him because he knew that Luke was out there somewhere. 

And this isn’t any different. 

So, he starts to scrape at a plastic utensil from the cafeteria, and when the moment is right, when Shaw is cocky and so sure that he’s got Spencer figures out, Spencer stabs himself to get into solitary confinement. 

As he sits in a small cell, feeling safe for the first time in weeks, he lets himself hope a little more because he can’t stop replaying Luke’s words in his head. 

The more time I’ve spent with you in this decade makes me sometimes wish we hadn’t met when we had.

Luke’s tone was wistful and filled with regret. And for just a moment, Spencer could have sworn he could detect a hint of longing behind Luke’s words. 

He may have completely lost it, but he’s going to hold onto the small possibility that Luke might still love him. Even if it turns out that he’s completely off base, at least he’ll know that it was enough to get him through this. 

---

“We’re taking you home,” JJ says, her eyes filled with tears, a relieved smile on her face, and Spencer feels himself relax for the first time since he left Palm Springs. He launches himself into her arms and allows himself to be held by someone who fought so hard to get him out. 

When they finally pull apart, they are both crying. JJ cups his face, wiping his tears away. “You’re going home, Spence,”

“Thank you,” He chokes out. 

“Penelope’s outside waiting,” She explains as she ducks out of the door for a moment. She returns with a bag that she hands to Spencer. It’s filled with clothes. His clothes. He sniffles as he looks back up at her. “She couldn’t come in here, but she wanted to be here when you got out,” Spencer lets out a laugh, imagining Garcia outside of the prison bouncing with energy. “Luke’s around here somewhere. He said he needed to handle something,”

“Luke’s here?” Spencer asks breathlessly. 

JJ nods. “He said he needed to be here,” She gives him a calculating look and he knows that if they were in any situation, she would be asking more questions, but she stays silent. “Now, get dressed. We’re going to find your mom,”

---

He’s thankful that he’s dressed in his own clothes when he’s reunited with Luke. Just as he did with JJ, he launches himself at Luke, hugging him tightly. 

JJ’s hold on him had been strong as she cried into his shoulder, but Luke’s embrace is enough to bruise him, he’s sure, but he’s far from complaining. 

“I told you we’d get you out,” Luke whispers into his ear and Spencer has to bite his lip to stop the sob from bursting from his lips. 

“Thank you,” Spencer finally manages to choke out. He knows that Luke will never know just how much Spencer is thanking him for. 

This is the closest he’s been to Luke in years and it’s all he can do to pull himself out of Luke’s arms. 

They have work to do.

---

“Spence, you can’t go alone,” JJ says softly after Spencer confirms that he is well enough to go see Cat Adams. There’s nothing he wants more than to collapse and sleep for a week, but he can’t. He can’t rest until his mother is safe. “I can go with you,” 

Before Spencer can even think about the repercussions of his words, he’s blurting out, “Luke.” JJ’s eyes widen as he continues. “I want Luke to come with me,” JJ’s surprise is clear, but she doesn’t seem offended, only curious as she looks to Luke to gauge his reaction. 

“Of course,” Luke says, his eyes boring into Spencer’s with an intensity that he can’t analyze right now. 

They board the jet and make the short journey to where Cat is being held, and Spencer feels as though he’s going to vibrate out of his skin. He goes from pacing the length of the jet to sitting beside Luke, his leg shaking as he fiddles with his suit.

“Hey,” Luke murmurs. “It’s okay, Spence. You’ve outsmarted her before,”

“But I’m not who I was when that happened,” He admits. “I haven’t slept in days. I’ve been locked up for months,” He doesn’t mention the migraine he feels coming on, or the dull pain coming from his leg from his stab wound. He doesn’t mention that he feels like he can barely keep himself upright and he doesn’t know how he’s going to face Cat Adams again.

“You’re still a genius, Dr. Reid,” Luke says, giving him a small smile. “And we’re going to get your mom back,”

Spencer draws in a deep breath and allows Luke’s words to wash over him. 

---

Just before they walk in to confront Cat Adams, Luke catches Spencer’s arm, pulling him back towards him for a moment. Spencer looks up at him in alarm, but Luke doesn’t acknowledge his actions, instead, he squeezes at Spencer’s biceps and nods once. “I’ve got your back, Spence, no matter what,”

The words feel like a suit of armor around Spencer’s shaking body. He may be fatigued, disoriented, and scared, but Luke’s by his side. 

Luke’s presence is a balm.

---

Cat Adams has gotten under his skin like no unsub ever has. She knows it and she’s relishing in it. 

He’s indifferent when he discovers she’s pregnant, but then she’s telling him that it’s somehow his and he feels as though he’s going to be sick. The nightmare he’s living in just keeps getting worse and worse but then she says something that truly sets him off. 

“I told her to pretend to be Maeve,” The name sounds wrong coming from Cat’s mouth and he wants to kill her. She doesn’t deserve to even know about Maeve. “Maeve Donovan, the love of your life, who had her brains blown out right in front of you before you two could even kiss. So dark, yet so useful,” 

Cat is smirking at him and Spencer’s head is throbbing as he moves, shaking his head. “You’re lying,”

“Spencer, it’s Maeve, it’s okay,” She says, her voice mocking. “Spencer, Spencer, it’s okay, you want this,”

In an instant, blurred memories pound in his head but he can’t tell if they’re real or not. He feels as though he’s back in that cell in Mexico, trying to decipher what’s real or not. 

“It didn't happen,” He croaks out. 

“Hey, I was thinking, if it’s a boy, we should call him Spencie Jr.,” Spencer moves to the door quickly, blood roaring in his ears as he pulls the door open. “But if it’s a girl, we should call her Maeve. Since she played such a role in her own conception,” He doesn’t make eye contact with Luke as the door falls closed behind him. 

“Spence,” Luke says, handing Spencer the file. “She’s three months, the timeline matches, but that doesn’t mean-” Spencer throws the file at the window before scrubbing a hand over his face. 

“Sorry, it’s not you,” He looks around at the papers on the ground. “I just need a minute,”

---

He thinks he’s gotten himself under control, but then Cat starts speaking ill of his mother and suddenly he’s shoving her against a wall, hands around her neck. He can’t stop telling her that he’ll kill her, barely acknowledging that Luke is screaming at him. Eventually, Luke is able to drag him off Cat, but the damage is done. 

Cat Adams knows that she’s broken him, just as she wanted. 

---

Luke’s words help him once again. They help him realize that he’s not a bad person for what happened in prison, then they help him realize the very thing that Cat wants him to figure out. 

And then, they outsmart her, just as they did before. 

Just like Luke said they would. 

---

Knowing his mother is safe is one thing, but he’s still not settled. He needs to see her in order to calm his worries. Unfortunately, his mother is a flight away. 

He can feel Luke’s eyes on him as the jet levels out. He stares out the window, trying to ignore the concerned thoughts of his mother, trying to ignore the burn of Luke’s gaze on him.

“Spencer?”

He turns from the window and his eyes meet with Luke’s. He feels as though the older man is staring right through him. “Yeah?”

“Who’s Maeve?” Spencer lets out a shuddering breath at the words. He should’ve known that Luke would have questions after Cat used Maeve to get to him. But it’s difficult to think of Luke and Maeve in the same breath. They have always felt so separate to Spencer, despite the similar feelings he shared for both of them. 

And now Maeve felt as though she was his in a different time, just as Spencer had once felt Luke had been. 

So quickly things change. 

Spencer feels his body slump in defeat, his stomach churning as he remembers the gunshot and the blood pooling in front of him. 

“A few years ago, I was having really bad migraines,” Spencer starts. “I saw every doctor and specialist before I found a geneticist, Maeve Donovan,” He smiles sadly and wonders what Maeve would think of this situation. He once told her the tragedy of his and Luke’s relationship and now the tides had turned and he was telling Luke the tragedy of his relationship with her. “I knew her for 100 days, and I only saw her once in person,” Spencer notices Luke sit up on the couch, but he doesn’t look at him. “She had a stalker, so all of our communication was by phone. I didn’t even know what she looked like, but I fell in love with her. But her stalker kidnapped her and then shot her in front of me,” Spencer finally lifts his head and smiles sadly. “I never even touched her,”

“Oh, Spencer,” Luke breathes out. He stares at Spencer for a few moments, his expression sad. Then, he opens his arms and murmurs, “Come here,”

For just a few seconds, Spencer expects Luke to clam up and take his words back, but he doesn’t. He just sits there and waits patiently for Spencer to take comfort in him. So, Spencer hesitantly gets to his feet and moves across the jet to settle beside Luke. 

Luke lays down and Spencer falls back with him, his chest tightening as Luke’s arms wrap around him, just like they used to. It feels foreign, yet familiar, and Spencer’s body is stiff in Luke’s embrace like he’s out of practice. 

He only relaxes when Luke murmurs, “Get some sleep, Spence,”

Maeve wasn’t the love of my life are the words on the tip of his tongue, and his heart aches to say them, but his body shuts down before he gets the chance. 

He sleeps peacefully for two hours, then they’re landing and Spencer is once again forced to pull away from Luke’s arms for the second time in twenty-four hours. 

---

Spencer is barely able to comprehend that his mother is safe before he spots a familiar face over his mother’s shoulder. 

“Morgan?” He croaks out, and then Derek Morgan walks towards him with an expression that holds dozens of emotions. “What are you doing here?”

“Hey, Pretty Boy,” Despite the teasing nickname, there’s something in Morgan’s voice that makes it clear that he knows where Spencer’s been. His eyes drift around the group, from Penelope to Diana to Luke, and finally, he looks at Spencer again and Spencer feels the days, weeks, months catching up to him, and once again, he finds himself collapsing into a hug as tears prick his eyes. 

He wonders what his past self would think if he knew how much hugging he had been doing in the past twenty-four hours. 

He wonders what his past self would think if he knew he had just gotten out of prison. 

“Why the hell didn’t you let anyone tell me what was going on?” Morgan asks as he pulls away. His hands stay on Spencer’s shoulders. 

“If I told you that I didn’t think it was important, would you get pissed at me?” He asks sheepishly and Morgan levels him with a glare. 

“What do you think?”

Spencer can’t help but smile. “What are you doing here? How’d you find out about me?”

Morgan’s gaze hardens. “I got a text that said it was from Garcia,” Penelope’s eyes widened. 

“I didn’t text you,”

“I know,” Morgan says, placing his hands on his hips. “Emily thinks it’s Scratch,”

“Are you kidding me?” Penelope breathes out. “We just got done with a case,” Her head snaps to Spencer, concern in her eyes, but she’s not able to say anything before Emily walks out of her office, her expression easy to read. 

“We need to head out,” She says as soon as she makes her way to the small group. Tara, Rossi, and Walker are trailing behind her. “I’m sorry, I wish we had a moment to rest, but if this is really Scratch-”

“Then we need to go,” Luke sighs, eyes drifting to Spencer. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah,” Spencer breathes out, stepping back to grab his mother’s hand. “We’ll be okay,”

“I’ll take you guys home, okay?” Morgan says. He then turns to look at the rest of the team. “Good luck,”

Emily nods. “Thanks for coming here,”

“Of course,”

The team starts to file out of the office, but Luke lingers for just a moment. He stares at Spencer and ducks his head. “I’ll call you when I can, to check in,”

The words leave Spencer breathless, and so all he can do is nod in response. Just as Luke was about to exit the bullpen, Spencer finds his voice. “Hey, Luke?” Luke stops and turns to face him. “Be safe. I still owe you a conversation,”

Luke’s smile is soft and it makes Spencer’s heart nearly beat out of his chest. 

Just as they are about to leave, Spencer’s mother turns to him and says, “That man reminds me of that boyfriend you had. Whatever happened to him?”

---

Despite his protests, Morgan accompanies Spencer and his mother up to his apartment. Thankfully, it was no longer seen as a crime scene and the police tape was gone. He knows that it might have set his mother off if she had seen it. 

His mother is dead on her feet and he’s ushering her towards his bed before Morgan even shuts the front door. His mother doesn’t fight him as he tucks her into his bed. Just as he’s about to leave, she grabs his hand and squeezes it. “I’m so glad you’re alright, Spencer,”

“I’m glad you’re alright,” He whispers, tears pricking his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Mom,”

She smiles and shakes his head. She pulls him down and kisses his forehead. “I love you, Spencer,”

“I love you too,” He smiles at her one last time before leaving the room. 

He’s not surprised to see that Morgan is still here and currently sitting on his couch. When Spencer walks out, Morgan gestures for him to join him on the couch, as if this is Morgan’s apartment. Spencer wants to tease him about this, but instead, he collapses onto the couch. 

“I’m going to ignore the fact that you were in prison for three months and forbade anyone to tell me about it-” Spencer opens his mouth to say something, but Morgan holds up a hand to stop him. “-because I am very pissed off about that, but I know that isn’t what you need right now,”

Spencer allows himself to relax into the couch, melting into the familiar leather and closing his eyes. He never appreciated this couch enough. He never appreciated his own apartment enough. His own clothes, his own shower, his own food. 

“Are you okay?” Morgan asks gently. 

“I’m as okay as I can be,” Spencer replies honestly. 

Morgan gives him a sympathetic smile. “I suppose that’s the best answer I’m going to get,”

Spencer offers a half-hearted smile, not having the energy to do much else. His head lolls to the side to look at Derek. “How’s Hank?”

“I’d love to tell you about him, but first, there is something I’m going to interrogate you about,” Spencer’s brows furrow as Morgan gives him a look. “That was Agent Alvez, right?” He asks. “The last one to leave,” Spencer’s mouth goes dry and he finds himself unable to speak, so he simply nods. “When did you two get back together?”

Spencer’s eyes widen and he sits up as he sputters out, “What? We’re not back together,”

Morgan’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. “For real?” Spencer nods, trying to ignore the way his cheeks are heating up. “Well, I guess my profiling skills are rusty then,”

“What are you talking about?”

“Reid, that dude didn’t take his eyes off you once until he absolutely had to,” Morgan raises an eyebrow. “How else am I supposed to interpret that?”

“I mean, I did just get out of prison,”

Morgan glowers at him. “Reid, Penelope was staring at you like she was afraid you were going to break, but Agent Alvez was watching you like you were going to disappear the moment he blinked,”

“Morgan-”

“Wait a minute,” Morgan snaps as he sits forward, pointing at Spencer as something seems to dawn on him. “You told him you owe him an explanation,” Spencer sighs. “Are you talking about-”

“Telling him about why I broke up with him?” Spencer nods. “Yeah,” He settles back into the comfort of the couch. It feels amazing after months of sleeping on a cot. 

“What brought that on?”

“Do you know why I was arrested?”

“Prentiss mentioned you were charged with murder,”

Spencer sighs again and lowers his voice as he explains why he was in Mexico. He adds in the new information about Cat Adams and Lindsey Vaughn conspiring against him. When he explains that he was drugged, Morgan’s frown deepens. 

“Spencer-”

“Did I mention that when I broke up with him over the phone, I was high?” Morgan’s eyes widen so Spencer takes that as a ‘no’. “I didn't even remember doing it, Morgan. I had written a message to myself on my hand that I found when I woke up the next morning,”

“Oh, kid,”

“But when I was sitting in that jail cell in Mexico and Luke showed up, I remembered everything about breaking up with him,” Spencer draws in a shaky breath. “I was already planning on telling him what happened, but that moment solidified it for me. I’m not sure why, but it did,”

“It seems as though he’s already forgiven you,” Morgan says. “Based on how he treats you,”

Spencer sighs. “He told me he had forgiven me, but I still want to be honest with him,”

“You’re still in love with him,” It’s not a question, but Spencer nods anyway. 

“I won’t burden him with my feelings, but I do think he deserves to know the truth,”

Morgan offers a small smile. “I don’t think you’d be burdening him with your feelings, Reid,” He nudges Spencer’s arm. “Like I said, I thought you two were back together,”

Spencer shakes his head, a rueful smile on his face. “I’ve lost my chance, Morgan. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it,”

Whatever Morgan is about to say next is interrupted by Spencer’s phone ringing. He’s startled by the sound, not used to having it in his possession again. Penelope had given it to him before he left. 

He pulls out his phone and sees that it’s Penelope that’s calling him. He shows it to Morgan and Morgan motions for him to answer it. 

“Garcia? What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

“Spencer, it was an ambush,” She breathes out, panic evident in her voice. “They were hit by a truck,”

“What?” He’s on his feet in an instant, fear coursing through him. Morgan is watching him carefully. “What do you mean?”

“Spencer,” Penelope whimpers out. “Stephen…” She sucks in a deep breath. “He’s-” She lets out a deep sob and then before he can say anything else, he hears a different voice in his ear, and despite his panic, relief comes over him in waves. 

“Spencer,” Luke’s voice is filled with sorrow and fear. 

“Luke,” He croaks out. “What’s going on?”

“I-” Luke cuts himself off and Spencer feels as though he’s holding in a sob. “There were spikes on the road. They blew out our tires. The truck came out of nowhere,”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” Luke breathes out. “But everyone else…Spencer, Stephen’s dead,”

Spencer feels his heart sink to his stomach. “What?”

“He was dead before Penelope and Matt found us,” Spencer isn’t even able to process that before Luke hits him with more devastating news. “Spence, Emily is gone,”

“What do you mean she’s gone?”

“We can’t find her,” Luke croaks out. “We think Scratch took her,”

And just like that, Spencer’s back to feeling like he’s spiraling out of control. 

---

Morgan urges him to go help the team, offering to stay behind with Spencer’s mom in case she wakes up and finds Spencer gone. 

Spencer rushes to the hospital despite his body screaming at him to take a break. He’s suddenly even more grateful that he was able to get a few hours of sleep on the jet before they returned.

He arrives at the hospital faster than he expects, and he finds Luke easily as he seems to be hovering around each team member’s room. 

“Spencer,” Luke gasps out and Spencer is all but running over to Luke. Just as he makes it to stand in front of him, Luke collapses, the adrenaline appearing to leave his body as he crashes against Spencer. 

“Luke,” Spencer says as a reminder to his brain that Luke is here, and despite a few scrapes, he’s not hurt. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Luke’s hold on him is tight. “I was the lucky one, Spence,” Spencer moves back but keeps his arms on Luke as he sways. 

“Were you checked out?”

Luke nods. “Just a few scrapes and bruises,” His expression crumples. “I was the lucky one,” He repeats and Spencer feels his heart clench. He already knows that Luke has had his fair share of survivor’s guilt, and now he fears that it’s happening again. 

He wants to wrap Luke in a blanket and keep him locked up where nothing can harm him anymore. Luke is too good to be hurt so much. 

He hugs Luke again because he doesn’t know what else to say. 

“I’m so glad you’re okay, Luke,” Spencer murmurs as they pull away from one another completely.  

“Stephen’s gone,” Luke wheezes. “And Emily’s missing,”

“I know,” Spencer murmurs. “But we’ll find her,”

They have suddenly switched roles, Spencer being the one to offer up words of hope. 

He doesn’t know how Luke does it all the time. He’s having a hard time believing his own words. 

---

When it’s all over, once Emily is safe and Scratch is dead, Luke wanders over to Spencer with an unreadable expression. He tugs on his bulletproof vest, as if nervous, as he stops beside Spencer. 

“You okay?” He asks Spencer before he can ask him the same thing. 

“Yeah,” He breathes out. “You?” Luke doesn’t respond right away and it makes Spencer turn to look at him. Luke is fidgeting now and his eyebrows are knitted together in a tight expression. “Luke?” He murmurs and Luke juts his head to the side, nodding towards a quieter area away from the swarm of police officers and paramedics. 

“Can I talk to you?”

Spencer watches him carefully as he nods. He follows Luke away from the chaos of the crime scene. 

“Are you okay?” Spencer repeats, but Luke’s gaze is directed somewhere else. He follows Luke’s gaze and he finds him staring at the spot where Peter Lewis’ body had been lying until it was removed just a few moments ago. “Luke?”

“You said that if you found Scratch, you’d kill him,” Luke says, his tone quiet but firm. When he turns back to Spencer, his expression is hardened. “I get it now,”

“What do you mean?”

“I had the chance to save him, Spencer,” Luke confesses in a quiet voice. “He was going to fall and he even begged me for help,” Luke grimaces. “But I let him fall,”

“Oh,” is all that Spencer is can say as Luke lets out a long sigh and leans against a wall. 

“Should I feel bad? Because I don’t,”

Spencer quickly shakes his head. “If you tried to help him, he could’ve gotten the upper hand. You would have been putting yourself in danger,” He places his hand on Luke’s forearm. “And even if that wasn’t the case, you didn’t owe him anything. He’s a murderer, and he’s terrorized this team for too long,”

Luke lets out a deep breath as if Spencer helped lift a weight off his shoulders. “Thank you,” 

Spencer offers a small smile. “You’re not a bad person for thinking the world’s a better place now that he’s dead, for being the one that ultimately decided his fate. How is it different from shooting him?” He can’t help but lean over and nudge his shoulder against Luke’s. “You’re a good man. One of the best I’ve ever met,”

Luke sucks in a deep breath, turning his head to look at Spencer. “Spence,”

“You’ve been the only thing keeping me going the past few days,” He lets out a sardonic laugh. “Past few months, really,” He doesn’t admit that it’s not days or months, but years. It feels like too much, so he holds that confession close to his chest. 

“I’m so glad you’re home,” Luke whispers after a few moments of silence. 

“Me too,” 

Chapter Text

“I was addicted to Dilaudid, and that’s why I felt that I had to break up with you. You deserved better than that,”

For a split second, he thinks Luke will understand, but then Spencer can only stare as Luke’s expression turns to one of disgust as the words seem to register. 

“You’re right,” Luke says coolly, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“What?” Spencer choked out. 

“I deserve better than someone who was so weak that he got kidnapped by a serial killer and then got addicted to drugs,” Luke scoffs as he stands up, already moving to walk out of Spencer’s apartment. 

Spencer hurriedly gets up to follow him. “Luke, please-”

Luke spins on his heel, his eyes harsh and cruel. It makes Spencer’s stomach churn. “You should have told me why you broke up with me when it happened. Would’ve saved me years of pain knowing that I dodged a bullet,”

“Luke-” He reaches out to grab at Luke’s arm, but Luke hisses as he yanks his arm back in disgust. 

“Don’t fucking touch me,”

Spencer gasps as he wakes up, his eyes wet with tears and Luke’s name on his lips. He sits up as he allows himself to catch his breath. 

“It was just a dream,” Spencer murmurs to himself, running a hand through his hair which has been dampened with sweat. “Just a dream,”

He hasn’t been sleeping well since he returned home, something he knew would happen. He has dealt with nightmares before from specific cases here and there, but going from three months in prison, to having his mother kidnapped, to having the team ambushed by Scratch, it was too much for his brain to process. 

Things are better now. He had found a nice facility for his mother, both of them feeling as though it was safer for her than staying with Spencer. She seemed to be doing well at the new place, which was thankfully only a few minutes from Spencer’s apartment. 

The team is on a mandatory leave after the events of the last few weeks, and they are into the second week of the planned six weeks. He’s received at least one text a day from someone on the team, typically Emily or JJ. Morgan has reached out several times as well, something that makes Spencer feel even more at home. He makes a promise to do better at keeping in contact with him. He won’t let Morgan become like Elle. 

It’s been a hard adjustment from life in a cell to life in his home, but he thinks he’s doing better than he would’ve expected. He may not be sleeping much, but he’s not breaking down. He feels like he can actually breathe. 

But these past few days, thoughts of Luke have been swirling around his mind. He’s heard from Luke, both of them checking in a few times over the past week, but neither of them bring up the promises Spencer has made. 

And now he’s having nightmares about telling Luke the truth, something he hasn’t had to deal with for years. 

This is the third one in three days and he takes it as a sign, so he sends a text. 

Hey, with all the chaos of the last few weeks, I just wanted to let you know that I remember I still owe you a conversation. 

Luke agrees to come over the next day and Spencer feels simultaneously worried and relieved. 

At least he can finally learn if his nightmares have any truth behind them.

---

JJ calls him, just as she always does now, at around 9 pm. It’s after she puts the boys to bed, and they only speak for about a half hour or so, and then they let each other have the rest of their nights to themselves. 

She’s worried about him, and she’s never been great about hiding it. For once, he doesn’t mind it. 

So on Friday, just five days into their six week leave, she calls him and he answers. They make small talk, he asks about the boys, she asks about his mom. But then, just as normal, she asks how he’s doing. How he’s adjusting. 

He wants to talk to her about Luke coming over tomorrow, but that would open a can of worms that he can’t deal with right now. So instead, he asks her something else that has plagued him since Mexico. 

“Do I start over?”

He can picture her expression. Her eyebrows are probably pulled together in confusion, a frown on her lips. “Start over?”

“My sobriety,” He whispers as if Luke is already here and he needs to keep it quiet. Even talking about it with JJ feels odd. They have always skirted around it. She knows, just as the rest of the team does, about how he struggled, but he never even confirmed it until after Emily came back from the dead. He was angry at JJ and he blurted out that he almost started using again when they lost Emily. It had the intended impact on her. He still remembered the hurt on her face at his words. He wishes he had never said it, for more reasons than one. 

“Oh, Spence,” She murmurs. 

“I have my chips, JJ, but now I feel sick looking at them,” He clears his throat, willing the tears to stay behind his eyes. “I feel like a fraud,”

“Spencer, you didn’t choose to take those drugs,”

“But I was high, JJ,” He croaks out. “I was high again after ten years of sobriety,”

“You didn’t do it,” Her tone has shifted slightly. It’s still gentle, but there’s a firmness to it that makes Spencer feel she is leaving no room for argument. “You wouldn’t have been in that situation if it weren’t for Cat Adams. She made a choice, not you,” Her tone is harsher as she speaks of Cat. Spencer can’t blame her. “As far as I’m concerned, you’re still entitled to your chips, Spence. You’ve maintained your sobriety,”

“I went through withdrawal in prison,” He whispers. 

“I know,” She sighs. “But I’m standing by what I said. You didn’t break your sobriety, Spence. Someone was trying to ruin you. So don’t let her ruin you by taking that from you,”

Spencer presses the phone closer to his ear as he staves off tears. “Okay,” He swallows, and then something comes to mind. “Did you…did my sobriety come up when I was arrested?”

He can’t believe he’s never thought about it before. He remembers, though his memories are fuzzy, that he told Emily that he hadn’t taken the drugs, and she had told him that she knew that. She was so reassuring, and Rossi’s gaze was supportive from her side. 

Luke hadn’t said anything about that. 

Did he already know about it?

“No,” JJ says and he feels conflicted. He wishes they had explained it all to Luke so he didn’t have to, but he knows that’s the coward's way out. “When we were reading the arrest report, Garcia and I did mention that you wouldn’t be high or have any drugs in your possession,” Spencer grips his phone tightly. “Tara, Luke, and-” She draws in a shaky break. “-Stephen wondered why we were so adamant about it,”

“So, you told them?”

“Emily explained that you were kidnapped and drugged. We didn’t go into details,” Again, he’s conflicted. He’s glad they didn’t air out all his trauma and baggage, but if they had, tomorrow’s conversation with Luke would be so much easier. 

“That makes sense,” Spencer says absently. 

“I’m sorry it had to be brought up at all,” She says softly. “And I’m sorry that you feel as though your sobriety has been taken from you,”

“It’s okay,” He breathes out. “It’s not your fault,” He stresses the words because he knows she’s going back to the Hankel case, back when they split up. He knows she’s never forgiven herself. “I’ll just have to remind myself of your reasoning,”

“If Cat Adams hadn’t come around, you’d still be sober. We both know that,”

“Yeah,” He says, and he does know that. “Yeah, I know,”

“Then you’ve been sober for almost 11 years, Spence. Don’t let her take that from you,”

“I won’t.”

---

Unsurprisingly, Spencer doesn’t sleep well that night, and by 7 am, he is deep cleaning his apartment to force himself to not think of what’s to come. 

By the time there is a knock on his door, his apartment is the cleanest it’s been in years. Spencer’s stomach has been churning all morning, making it impossible to eat anything for fear of throwing up. He hopes he can eat the lunch that Luke offered to bring over. 

But then again, Luke wouldn’t judge him for a lack of appetite, right? 

There’s a sense of deja vu as he walks over to the door to let Luke inside. Sure, it’s a different apartment, but it’s familiar and it causes Spencer to relax slightly. 

This is Luke. Luke is good. Luke won’t judge him. 

“Hi,” Spencer greets once he pulls the door open. Luke’s kind smile makes his stomach flip.

“Hey,” Luke replies before gesturing towards the stairs behind him. “Did you move into a place without stairs so men with broken feet couldn’t come to bother you?” Luke is smiling at him sheepishly, and despite the mention of their past relationship, Spencer finds himself smiling back at him. 

“Maybe subconsciously,” Spencer chuckles. “But don’t worry, I definitely paid for it,” At Luke’s puzzled expression, his nose scrunches as he remembers something. “I had to move up and down the stairs after I broke my knee,” He recalls one of the many letters in his Luke box. 

Maybe the universe is trying to show me how much effort you put into our relationship when you were traveling here with a broken foot. But I already knew how much effort you put into this relationship. You were never the problem.

“You broke your knee?” Luke’s eyebrows knit together in concern as he looks down at Spencer’s legs as if he’ll see the damage. “What happened?”

“I got shot a few years ago,”

“You got shot in the knee and you had to go up and down the stairs?”

Spencer nods, a smile on his face. “It was torture,” He shakes his head. “I don’t know how you took trains to DC with a broken foot,”

“Motivation,” Luke says quickly, and Spencer’s at the honesty of his words. His heart leaps to his throat, and he wonders how he’s supposed to respond. Thankfully, Luke changes the subject. “How are you?” 

“I’m, uh,” Spencer moves to the side and finally welcomes Luke into his apartment. Luke looks around and Spencer wonders if he’s been here before. Had he seen it as a crime scene? The thought of that makes him swallow against a lump in his throat.  “I’m adjusting,”

Luke smiles sympathetically at him. “And how’s your mom?” He glances around as if looking for Spencer’s mom. 

“We made the decision that putting her in a facility would be best for her,” He explains and registers the bag in Luke’s hand that contains their food. He nods towards the kitchen before leading Luke towards it.  “After everything that happened, we felt it was the safest option.” Spencer sighs. “She’s upset, but she likes knowing that someone can’t just go and take her, like with Lindsay Vaughn,”

“I’m sure that was super scary for her,” 

Spencer nods. “She’s having extra counseling sessions to work through the trauma,” He glances down at the takeaway containers in the bag as Luke begins to pull them out. His heartbeat seems to quicken as he takes in the name. He knows the answer before he begins to ask “Is this from-”

“Yep,” Luke cuts him off, a sad smile on his face as he hands Spencer his food. “Hope your order hasn’t changed,”

It’s from the ramen place they went to on their first date. A place they had frequented when Luke was in town.

“You know I’m a creature of habit,” Spencer says, taking the food. “Thank you. You didn’t have to do this,” Luke waves him off. “I hope I didn’t pull you from anything too important today,”

“You pulled me away from a busy day,” Spencer frowns and he’s about the apologize, but Luke quickly cuts him off.  “I’m messing with you, Spence,” He says. “I don’t have anything to do until 3 this afternoon,”

Both of them open their containers of food and the scent of it hits Spencer. He’s unable to stop himself from smiling as the smell takes over his senses. He hasn’t had ramen in well over four months. 

That’s something that has been hard to adjust to. It seems as though there are too many options to choose from when it comes to food. He doesn’t have to eat whatever slop is served to him. He can choose something to eat, and it can be delicious. And if he wants more, he can have it. 

It’s freeing, but it reminds him so much of his time in prison that it often brings his mood down. 

They end up settling down on Spencer’s couch with their food and drinks Spencer pulls from the fridge. 

“What are you doing at 3?” Spencer asks after taking his first bite of ramen. The taste hits his tongue and it’s perfection. He closes his eyes and smiles as the taste hits his tongue. 

“Have to pick up Lucy from school,” Luke says. “I told Maria I’d do it since I’ve got nothing else going on,”

“It’s nice that you and your sister are still so close,”

Luke then takes the time to explain that he dropped his life in New York to come help his sister when she got pregnant and the father didn’t stick around. It warms Spencer’s body and he wants to sink into the feeling.  

“That’s very kind of you, Luke,” It’s a reminder that Luke is a good person, which means he’ll take the news of Spencer’s mistakes well. At least that’s what Spencer hopes for. 

“I kind of owed her,” 

Luke almost looks as though he didn’t mean to say it, and for a moment, Spencer thinks he should leave it, but he finds himself asking, “What do you mean?” 

Luke takes another bite of his food as if he’s choosing his words wisely, and when he begins to speak, Spencer understands why. “Maria, uh, helped me a lot when I got back from the Rangers,” Spencer’s breath stutters. “I had PTSS and I, uh, wasn’t doing well with our breakup,”

“Luke…”

Luke waves him off. “I know I agreed to come over, but I don’t expect you to tell me, especially not after everything,” 

“You’ve been waiting for years, Luke,”

“And I can wait as long as I need to if it means you’re taking care of yourself,”

Spencer sighs. “I need to tell you today, or I’ll lose my nerve…again,” He looks down at his food. “But after we finish eating, okay?”

Luke offers a small smile. “Only if you’re sure,”

He’s not sure, is the thing. Well, he’s sure about his decision to tell Luke, but he has no idea how he’s going to actually follow through on his promise. How exactly do you share your trauma with your ex after over a decade? After he’s seen you at one of the lowest points of your life?

Spencer is about to find out. 

---

Spencer can’t help it. As they continue to eat, getting closer and closer to finishing their food, he becomes more and more tense. His stomach begins to turn again, but he forces himself to eat the rest of his ramen because he truly was hungry, but mostly because he doesn’t want Luke to worry. Because if Luke worries, he’ll end up talking Spencer out of doing this. 

Just like he’s trying to do now. 

“Seriously, we can do this at a different time,” Luke says softly, his concern evident in his features. 

“No,” Spencer shakes his head and sits down beside him. “I need to do this,”

“If it gets to be too much, tell me, okay?” Spencer nods and hopes that he’s able to keep himself together as he tells Luke about Tobias Hankel. 

He can’t remember the last time he told someone about Hankel. Everyone he was close to knew about it because they were there, or they had read the case file. He begins to think that he should’ve just sent Luke the case file and said “then I became an addict and was ashamed to face you” and called it a day. 

But he can’t do that. It would only bring on more questions and Spencer would have to talk with him anyway. Plus, it would hurt Luke to find out that way. 

“Where do you want me to start?” Spencer asks. 

“Whatever makes sense for you,”

Spencer sighs. “I, uh, know that some things were brought up to the team after I got arrested,”

Luke nods solemnly, as though he feels guilty. “JJ and Emily mentioned something that happened ten years ago,” Spencer can’t help but flinch. JJ hadn’t mentioned that they had put a timeline on it. He wonders if Luke’s put the pieces together and just hasn’t asked him about it. . 

“They didn’t tell me how much they told you guys,” He looks up at him. “So, how much did they tell you?”

“Not much,” Luke replies. “Just that you were kidnapped and drugged by an unsub who had D.I.D.,” Spencer scratches at his arm, feeling the ghost of a needle in his arm. He sees the way Luke assesses the action and he suddenly feels even more vulnerable than he was already feeling. “I had some…theories after they explained it happened ten years ago, but I didn’t pry. I knew it wasn’t the time, and I didn’t want to hear about it from anyone but you. It felt like it would have been a violation of your privacy,”

“Thank you,” Spencer breathes out. It means a lot that even though Luke was probably itching for answers, he didn’t pry into Spencer’s life while Spencer was locked up “What was your, uh, theory?”

“Spencer…”

“You can say it, Luke,” 

“I think you broke up with me because of what happened,”

He wants to tell Luke that he’s completely right, tell him that he now knows the whole story, but he can’t, so he admits, “You’re mostly right,” He draws in a deep breath.“My last letter to you was the one I wrote on the plane. I told you we were going to Atlanta, Georgia,” Spencer scratches at his arm, hating the phantom needle pricking his skin as if it were yesterday. “That’s where it happened,”

Luke suddenly reaches out and takes Spencer’s hand, causing Spencer to let out a small gasp. “Sorry,” Luke murmurs and goes to pull his hand away, but Spencer grasps it tightly. This action is such a stark difference from his nightmares that it gives him the courage to tell him what happened. 

He doesn’t go into the specifics of Tobias Hankel’s murders, but he explains how he ended up getting kidnapped. He tells him of the house and the barn, and how he was the one to suggest that he and JJ split up. It makes him want to call her just to remind her that she wasn’t at fault. 

“You guys are best friends,” Luke says and Spencer’s eyes widen in surprise. “She and I talked a lot while you were…” He trails off and Spencer is glad he doesn’t finish the sentence.. “I even got to see pictures of her son dressed up as his favorite profiler,” Spencer chuckles, his heart warming at the memory of little Henry running into the office wearing his best Spencer Reid costume. 

“It’s crazy to think that when all this happened, she hadn’t even met Will yet,” It feels like it’s been so long, but at the same time, he feels as though it was yesterday. He could say it was his eidetic memory, but he knows that the other members of his team can remember every moment of the scariest moments on the job. Morgan had once mentioned that people have elephants’ memories when it comes to trauma. “But I had met you,” Spencer says, his tone sad as he remembers how much of a blip his relationship with Luke was in comparison to the rest of his life. Only a year. “And when Hankel took me, I kept thinking about how if I died, no one would know to tell you,” He squeezes his eyes shut to stop himself from crying, but he quickly opens them again as his mind brings forth memories of a lightbulb in a shed. 

“Spence-”

“And I did,” He murmurs. “Die, that is,”

“What?” Luke’s face has paled and his hand goes limp in Spencer’s hold, but then he tightens it as if needing to remind himself that he’s alive. 

“I died,” Spencer says, staring down at their hands. “But Tobias brought me back. He was a good man, Tobias. His other personalities were the problem,” Spencer scratches his arm again, remembering Tobias’ words it helps the pain . Tobias had never wanted to hurt him. He wanted to save him. He just couldn’t save Spencer from himself. And in the end, Spencer couldn’t save Tobias. “Tobias knew he couldn’t let me go, so he gave me Dilaudid to ease the pain,”

“Oh, Spencer,” Luke breathes out, his eyes filled with sorrow. 

“I didn’t want it, I fought and fought, but I was tied up,” Spencer swallows and then slouches in on himself. “But eventually, it did help with the pain that the two other personalities inflicted. I started to crave it,” 

He explains how it ended, how he was forced to dig his own grave, how the team came at the perfect time for Spencer to shoot Tobias. The memories are whirling around in his like a movie and he begins to shake. The only part of him that’s still is the hand in Luke’s, but soon that changes as Luke pulls back. Spencer wants to grab at him, but then Luke’s hand is moving to his back, rubbing soothing circles. Once again, Luke’s touch urges him on. “But Luke, I didn't break up with you because that happened to me,”

“What?” 

“I broke up with you because I didn’t stop taking Dilaudid when I was free,” Luke’s hand freezes on Spencer’s back and Spencer’s heart seems to stop too. As he forces himself to continue, he prays that his nightmare won’t come true. “By the time I was safe, I was addicted to it. So, when he died, I took two vials off him,” Spencer runs a hand over his face, wanting to hide from the very man who’s seen more of him than anyone ever has. 

“Spencer…l…” He pulls his hands away and Spencer’s heart drops. 

Despite his fear, he presses on. He needs to get this out. Dragging it out will only make him more anxious. “But it ran out fast, and I still needed-“ He sucks in a breath, unable to say the words out loud, as if they are toxic and having them in the air between them will kill them both slowly. “Nobody on the team talked about it. They knew something was wrong, they knew I was struggling, but they didn’t know the extent until later,” He lets out a humorless laugh. “You should ask Emily how I treated her at that time. I was such a dick to her for no reason,” 

“Spencer,” Luke whispers, but Spencer can’t stop now.

“And every time I got a letter from you, I just kept thinking Luke deserves better than who I’ve become .” Spencer sniffs and he wants Luke to touch him again, but Luke simply sits and stares at him. “And your letters were getting more and more upset because I hadn’t responded, but I couldn’t respond. What would I have said?” He huffs out a humorless laugh. “‘Hey Luke, you’ve only got two months left! Hope you’re ready to come back to a drug addict!” Spencer can feel the tears flowing freely, but he makes no move to wipe them away, as if by not acknowledging them, they aren’t there. 

He only has one more confession. “Luke, I don’t even remember breaking up with you,” He admits. “I was high when you called. I had told myself I wouldn’t do it again because you deserved someone better, but then I was weak and you called and-“ Spencer smiles sadly at how ridiculous the next confession is. “I only knew it happened because I wrote it on my hand,”

“What?” 

Spencer lifts up his hand and taps his palm three times as he says, “‘no more Luke,’” He still remembers his chicken scratch on his skin. Sometimes it feels as though he tattooed the words to his palm, the message permanently etched into his skin. 

“Spence,” Luke wipes at his own tears, and Spencer sniffles. “How’d you know it wasn’t me that did it?”

“Because I listened to your messages,” He shakes his head to correct himself. “I listened to one, actually,” He sucks in a breath. “It was all I could stomach because hearing you like that, knowing that it was because of me -“ Spencer chokes out a sob, effectively cutting himself off.. “I can still hear it. It replays in my head over and over, even though it’s been a decade,” 

“Spencer-“

“‘Please don’t do this, Cariño, I love you. I can fix whatever’s wrong.’” Spencer gives him a small smile. “But you couldn’t,”

Luke is openly crying now and it hurts to see that Spencer has caused him even more pain, but at least he isn’t looking at him with disgust. 

“You know,” Luke says after a moment, and despite his expression, Spencer still braces himself for the worst. “You’re still really bad at rolling your r’s,” Spencer lets out a watery laugh. He watches as something seems to dawn on Luke, and then he’s asking, “How are you after getting drugged in Mexico?”

“JJ helped me realize that I can’t really count that against my sobriety since I didn’t do it to myself,” Spencer explains, clenching his fists as he remembers her words from the night before. “It was hard though, to be drugged again. It brought up a lot of memories, and it was really hard to detox in jail. I almost slipped when I was in prison,” Spencer clenches his fists, this time thinking of Cat Adams. “But I refused to give into it after being sober for ten years,”

“I’m really proud of you,”

Spencer’s head whips up, his mouth falling open in surprise. “Don’t you hate me?”

“I could never hate you,” Luke confesses. “And God, did I try,” He laughs, but it hurts to know. “I wanted to hate you so much, but I couldn’t,”

“Luke,” Spencer mumbles. “I broke your heart because I was weak,”

Luke is shaking his head before Spencer even finishes his sentence. “You’re not weak,”

“Yes, I am. I broke up with you because I couldn’t let you see me like that. I couldn’t show you how weak I was, so I broke you instead. It was selfish and I’ve regretted it every day since,”

Luke draws in a deep breath at the confession. “Spencer…”

“About a month or so after we broke up, we had a case and it involved a man who was an Army Ranger, and it felt like I couldn’t escape my memories of you,” His smile is sad. “But it’s what I deserved,”

“Did you move because of me?” Luke asks. 

Spencer nods. “But it’s not because I didn’t want you to find me. It was because all I could remember was you being there. And before everything happened, it was manageable because I knew you were coming back to me, but after I broke things off, it was unbearable,” Spencer finally allows himself to wipe his tears away. “My home felt haunted and I had to get out because it wasn’t home anymore,”

“What about changing your phone number?”

“I needed a new start, a way for my dealers not to be able to reach me,” Then he finally processes Luke’s words and his head snaps up. “Wait, you called me?”

Luke nods, swallowing against the lump in his throat. “I didn’t until I went to your old place to see if I could talk to you about what happened. I just wanted to know what I did,” Spencer shakes his head automatically because Luke never did anything wrong. Even when he came back into Spencer’s life, every action was warranted, even if it hurt Spencer. “And when the new tenant said you moved, I tried calling you. Your number had been disconnected,”

Spencer frowns. “I went through a few numbers during my attempts at getting clean,” He looks up at Luke with a hint of awe in his expression. “I didn’t think you’d try to call me. I figured you were done with me,”

“I’ve never been done with you,” Spencer notices that he isn’t speaking in the past tense. He doesn’t mention it and neither does Luke. 

“I thought about reaching out after I finally got clean, but I was so humiliated,” Spencer runs a hand over his face. “I’m still so humiliated,” He whispers. “And then you came back into my life and you were so angry and I couldn’t even fault you for it,” Spencer wipes away more of his tears. He wills them to stop, but the tears continue to leak from his eyes. “But we had never been in a fight and it nearly broke me when we argued in that hotel room,”

“Me too,” Luke murmurs, a frown on his face.

“And I couldn’t tell you what happened because I didn’t want you to think less of me. Even if that meant that you hated me,” Spencer ducks his head and Luke bends his head as well, trying to get Spencer to meet his gaze, but he can’t. Not until Luke says something he swore he would never hear directed at him again. 

“ Cariño ,” Despite the fact that he still doesn’t want to look Luke in the eye, he can’t stop himself from reacting to the word. Luke’s expression is tender and twinged with concern. “I could never think less of you for something like this,”

Spencer sniffles. “You’re only saying all this because I just got out of prison,” 

Luke shakes his head. “I was on my way to forgiving you before you ever got arrested, remember?”

“How can you be so…okay with all of this?” If anything, his nightmare makes more sense than how Luke seems to be taking this news. Surely, he can’t be so understanding. Even a man as kind as Luke can’t be this good. 

“I’m not okay with any of it, cariño,” The term makes it almost impossible to comprehend the rest of the sentence, but by the time he does, he can’t panic because Luke is already explaining what he means. “I’m not okay with what happened to you, and how it impacted you. And if I’m honest, I’m really hurt that you felt you couldn’t talk to me about all of this, but I understand you were scared,” 

“You’re too understanding,” 

“And you’re too hard on yourself,” He stares at him for a moment and then he’s suddenly struck with an idea. A way for Luke to truly understand everything. Without warning, he jumps to his feet, causing Luke to ask him what he’s doing, but he doesn’t respond. Instead, he walks to his closet and reaches up to the shelf at the top. It takes some shuffling around, but it only takes a few moments to grab the box that he refuses to look at. 

He walks back into his living room to see that Luke is still sitting on the couch, his expression confused as he watches Spencer walk back into the room. He then places the box on the coffee table and sits down beside it. He feels Luke’s eyes on him as he opens the box and pulls out the soft material. 

“Is that-” He clears his throat. “Is that my sweatshirt?”

Spencer smiles softly. “I told you I was keeping it,”

“Spencer, it’s been ten years,” Luke croaks out. 

“It still smells like you,” Spencer presses the article of clothing to his nose and before he can feel embarrassed by the act, Luke is sitting beside him. 

“Spencer-”

“This is my Luke box,” Spencer says shyly. “All the keepsakes from our relationship. Here’s the cork from the wine we drank on our first date,” He pulls out a cork and hands it to Luke. “And here’s the receipt from when we got ramen on the first day we met,” The receipt is faded, but Luke knows that it’s what Spencer claims it is. “And I have all of the letters you sent me,” He pulls them out. They’re tied with twine and Spencer places them gently on the coffee table. Then he grabs another stack of letters, the most recent one from less than a year ago. He remembers wanting to write more in prison, but he knew it wouldn’t help. Not in the way it had before. “And these are the letters I never sent you,” He nods at them and says, “you can read them if you want, you can have them, even,”

“Spencer, are you sure?” 

“This is it, Luke,” He replies. “This is the explanation I’ve owed you for over ten years,” He picks up the letters again to place them in Luke’s lap. Even though it feels extremely vulnerable to see Luke and his letters in the same place, it feels right to know that he finally gets to give them to Luke. “And I think that I kept them just in case,”

“In case?”

“In case I was ever able to tell you what happened,”

“Thank you for telling me,” Luke says, his honesty evident in his voice. “I don’t take any of it lightly,”

“I know you don’t,” 

“Hey,” Luke says because he knows they both need a break from the emotions. 

And then, because Luke is still absolutely perfect, he informs Spencer that he brought dessert. He says it lightheartedly, and Spencer takes it as it is, a chance for them to have a break from everything. 

Luke brought donuts, remembering his favorite, and it makes Spencer realize that there is nothing that could ever make him stop loving Luke. 

It’s his burden to bear, dealing with a now unrequited love, haunted by memories of Luke’s reciprocated love. It’ll always sting, knowing that he won’t get to hold him again, but at least he can hold onto the time that Luke had wanted to hold him too.

Having Luke in his life again is enough. 

---

Spencer feels as though he can’t finish this conversation without telling Luke the complete truth, so he tells him about Maeve and explains that he did love her. He tells Luke about how he blamed himself for her death, and Luke watches him sadly as he tells him that he thought of Maeve’s death as a punishment for what he did to Luke. 

Then Luke is telling him why he showed up to the prison and saw Shaw instead of Spencer, and something shifts within him as he hears that Luke made good on his promise to Shaw after everything that went down. 

“Did you hear he just got transferred? To Michigan. Rumor has it some of the people he double-crossed are there,” He had heard that Shaw had been transferred, but he had no idea Luke was the reason. It lights a fire within him that Spencer can’t name until his lips are already pressed to Luke’s in a searing kiss. 

But then Luke pulls back and Spencer comes to his senses. He rambles off an apology and then he’s telling Luke that he’s never stopped loving him, instead of just alluding to it and he desperately wants to take it all back. But before he can embarrass himself too much, Luke cuts him off. 

“Cariño,” Luke’s voice is gentle and it calms Spencer enough to even his breathing. “I didn’t stop you because I didn’t want to kiss you,” Spencer feels hope bloom in his chest, but he stomps it down just as quickly as it blossomed. “I stopped you because I know a lot has happened recently and I don’t want to take advantage of you,” Spencer begins to shake his head because Luke isn’t taking advantage. He never has and he never would. “And you’ve just shared some pretty emotional stuff, and I don’t want you to regret anything when you’re able to think clearly,”

“I didn’t kiss you because of my emotions or the trauma, I kissed you because I wanted to,” Spencer admits. “But I understand what you’re saying,”

Luke’s heart flutters at the words, but he pushes the feeling down. “Is this something you want? Us?”

“I never stopped wanting it, Luke,” Spencer smiles, but it’s bittersweet. He’s glad he can be honest with Luke, but it hurts because he knows that he lost his chance. “But I know I fucked up,”

“I-” Luke breaks off and doesn’t say anything else, so Spencer begins speaking once more.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you,” Spencer repeats, though his heart is screaming at him to stop. “I got swept up in hearing about how you protected me and I lost control of myself,” Spencer reaches up and presses his thumbs into his eyes, feeling the beginning of a migraine coming on. He wonders if it’s because of the overwhelming emotions or the guilt of ruining everything by kissing Luke. “And I don’t want you to think that I told you about what happened between us because I want to get back together,”

“Do you?” Luke blurts out and Spencer moves his hand from his face.

“What?”

“Do you…want to get back together?” The words seem to stop Spencer’s heart, but once again, the hope leaves as quickly as it forms.

“Like I said,” Spencer says, smiling sadly. “I’ve never stopped wanting you, Luke,” He inhales sharply. “Cat got one thing wrong,”

“What’s that?”

“I did love Maeve, but she wasn’t the love of my life,” He doesn’t say it outright, doesn’t need to explain that it’s Luke who has captured his heart and kept it this entire time, but he knows by the look on Luke’s face that he understands. 

“I-” Luke clears his throat. “I don’t know what to say,”

“You don’t have to say anything because you don’t owe me anything,” Spencer says. “I just needed to tell you,” He gestures vaguely and shrugs. “And now you know everything,”

Spencer’s time with Luke is up, signaled by an alarm ringing on Luke’s phone, breaking them both from their locked gaze. Luke has to go pick up his niece, and Spencer needs to pick up the pieces of his heart and glue them together once again. 

At least now, after telling Luke everything, there’s a chance that the glue will hold a little longer. 

Before Luke leaves, he reminds Spencer of one of the last things Spencer wrote before he was kidnapped, and Spencer can’t help but smile softly as he remembers what he had profiled about Luke. 

He shows examples of Luke’s usage of the tilde over the n in cariño when he wanted Spencer to feel better. Luke looks surprised, and he blinks owlishly at Spencer as he admits that he had no idea that he was doing that. 

The fact that he was subconsciously doing something to make Spencer feel better makes Spencer want to kiss him again, but he controls himself this time. Instead he smiles and says, “You should get going,” Spencer says, and Luke nods. “Thanks for coming by and bringing food,”

“Of course,” Luke replies. “Thanks for, uh, telling me,”

“Of course,” Spencer parrots, and Luke offers a small smile.

“Call me if you need anything, okay?” 

“You too, okay?”

Then Luke leaves and Spencer leans against the door, listening as Luke’s footsteps get quieter and quieter as he goes down the stairs. 

---

JJ calls him again that night and when he picks up, he almost wants to tell her that he feels better than he did yesterday, just to give her some peace of mind, but once again, he knows that will only create more questions. 

However, when she asks what he had been up to all day, he can’t bring himself to lie, so he gives her as much of the truth as he can. 

“Luke came over and we had lunch,”

“Oh?” 

“He wanted to check on me,” Still not a lie, he supposes. 

“That was sweet of him,” He almost blurts out that Luke is the sweetest man he’s ever known, but he quickly bites his tongue to stop himself. “How’s he doing? I haven’t spoken to him since we were at work,”

“He seems to be doing well,” Spencer replies. “He’s helping with his niece more,”

“His niece? I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk about his niece,”

Spencer’s eyebrows furrow as he thinks of how odd that is. Luke loves his niece and his sister. How come he’s never brought them up?

Something flares in Spencer’s chest as he thinks of the fact that he knows about Maria and Luciana. And, yes, he had known about Maria because of his past with Luke, but it still feels…special that Luke shared his niece with Spencer, even when he was angry. 

“Luciana,” Spencer explains. “She’s named after Luke,” He doesn’t give any more details. 

“Wow,” JJ huffs out a small laugh. “I didn’t realize that you and Luke were close,” Spencer is suddenly very glad that this conversation is taking place over the phone. He knows JJ would immediately be able to guess something was off if she saw the way his skin flushed at her words. 

“Did Luke ever tell you why he came with you and Garcia when you got me from prison?”

“Huh,” JJ hums, as though it just struck her as odd. “He didn’t,”

“He went to see Calvin Shaw,”

“What? Why?”

“Because he had to follow through on a threat,”

“A threat?” JJ asks, her voice rising in pitch in surprise. “What threat?”

“When I first got there, I found out from Shaw that Luke had been to the prison, but he hadn’t come to see me. Apparently, Garcia had told him I had been beaten,” He swallows against the lump in his throat at the memory. He can hear JJ’s choked off sound from the other line, but he continues on. “And because he thought I was in danger, he showed up and threatened Shaw,”

“Threaten him how? He was already in prison,”

“I guess Luke had studied Shaw’s case and come to the conclusion that he killed his informant because he had gotten her pregnant and he didn’t want her to tell his wife,”

“What?” JJ sputters out. 

Spencer hums. “He threatened to tell his wife so that he would never get to see his son again,”

“Wow,” JJ murmurs. 

“But Luke got Shaw transferred to Michigan, where the very people he locked up were at,” Spencer explains. “He went to tell Shaw when you came to get me,”

“Holy shit,” Spencer’s eyes widen in surprise. JJ hardly ever swears, calls it a side effect of being around her kids. 

“I know,”

“He should tell Garcia. It might be enough for her to stop calling him Newbie,”

Spencer lets out a laugh. “I don’t know if that’ll be enough,” JJ falls silent for a moment, and it causes Spencer to stop laughing. “What?”

“Nothing, I’m just surprised that he threatened someone for you,” JJ then quickly adds, “not that I’m complaining, but it’s just surprising is all,”

“I get it,” Spencer replies. “I can’t say I’m not surprised that he did that for me,” It’s not a lie, because he is surprised. How could he not be? Spencer broke Luke’s heart, but Luke still stood toe to toe with an inmate and threatened him so Spencer would be safe. “He’s a good man,”

There’s a long pause on the line and Spencer finds himself looking at the screen of his phone to make sure JJ is still there. 

“He is,” She finally says. “And I’m glad we have him on the team,” There’s something more to her words, but he chooses not to read into it. 

“Me too,”

---

When there’s a knock at his door at 11 pm, he’s not sure what he expects, but it’s sure as hell not Luke. 

“Luke?” He questions as his hand grips the door knob. 

“Um, hey,” Luke clears his throat and he’s shifting nervously. 

“What are you doing here?” Spencer looks behind him. “Did you forget something?” He feels as though he would have noticed that. 

“No, no,” Luke shakes his head and Spencer looks back at him with a puzzled expression. “I’m sorry to just show up out of the blue, but I needed to see you,” The words draw the air from Spencer’s lungs, but somehow, his brain has enough oxygen to tell his body to step aside and let Luke in. “I hope I didn’t wake you,” 

Spencer laughs. “Luke, I had insomnia before I went to prison, how do you think I’m doing now?” It’s supposed to be a joke, though it’s pretty dark, but Luke simply frowns. 

“Right,”

“What’s up?”

“I, uh, read the letters,” It’s Spencer’s turn to frown. 

“Right, yeah,” He crosses his arms over his chest. “Like I said, they’re pretty depressing,”

Luke suddenly takes a step forward, startling Spencer. “Did you mean what you said earlier?” 

Spencer smiles softly. “I think you’re going to need to be more specific,”

“Do you-” Luke stops and grimaces, quickly changing his wording. “Am I really the love of your life?” Spencer inhales sharply, staring at Luke, having not expected Luke to be so blunt. “Because you’re the love of mine,” Spencer begins to blink, as if that will help him comprehend what Luke is saying. Luke lets out a small laugh. “I could never let go of you, and I thought that being around you now would make it stop, but it’s only made me love you more, and I-” Luke cuts himself off. “I’m sorry,” He mumbles sheepishly. “I really should have planned this out-”

“Luke,” Spencer says, emotion coloring his voice as he closes the distance between them. “You once told me that I made you believe in love at first sight,”

Luke laughs again. “And you said there was no scientific evidence to prove that was a thing,”

Spencer’s smiles bashfully. “You’re my scientific evidence,” He murmurs. “I saw you and I knew, on some molecular level, that you were it for me,” 

“Molecular?” Luke asks, and Spencer knows it sounds crazy, but he can still remember when he first saw Luke. He remembered how something seemed to shift in his bones and he had known that this man would be important to him. 

“Don’t ask me how it worked, but all I know is it did,”

Luke leans forward, his nose bumping against Spencer’s. He does it so easily, so completely free of any regret or confusion that Spencer feels as though he’s back in time. “I’m glad it did,”

“Yeah?” He breathes out, eyes fluttering closed as he lets himself revel in the closeness of Luke’s body. 

“Yeah,” Luke confirms. “Do you want to try this, us , again? Because I know you’re going through a lot right now, and I don’t want to take your confession from earlier as evidence that this is what you want right now,” Spencer reaches out and grasps Luke’s hands in an attempt to calm the other man down. When Luke sighs softly, he figures that it has worked. “But if this is something you want, I can wait,”

“Luke…” Spencer’s heart is in his throat at the words, and he’s too stunned to say anything else. 

“I’ve waited ten years, I can wait ten more,” 

“Luke,” Spencer repeats, because apparently it’s all he can say now. He can feel tears burning in his eyes as he thinks of something to say, but then he realizes that Luke just gave him permission to not use any words at all. 

So, he leans forward, and for the second time that day, he presses his lips to Luke’s. 

This kiss is different than before. Earlier, Spencer was hurried and eager, but now his lips are slow against Luke’s. And even better, Luke is kissing him back, not pushing him away. 

“I don’t want to wait,” Spencer murmurs, unable to pull himself away from Luke’s lips just yet.  “I don’t want to waste another second without you being mine again,” He opens his eyes and finds Luke watching him carefully. “If that’s what you want,”

Luke chuckles. “We’re being complete idiots,” At Spencer’s raised eyebrow, he smiles. “We keep circling around what we really want to say to make sure we’re on the same page,” Spencer smiles back at him, his cheeks warming at the realization. “I’m all in, cariño,” 

“Me too,” Spencer’s voice is quiet but earnest. “And I’m not running away this time,” Luke smiles, and then for the first time in over ten years, Luke is leaning forward and kissing him. It’s chaste, but it’s gentle and it warms Spencer from the outside in. “I’m not screwing this up again,”

“I won’t let you,”

“But I need you to know that I’m still dealing with things,” Spencer sighs, clutching Luke’s arms tightly as if to keep him grounded as he’s reminded of the torturous past year. 

“I get it,” Luke kisses his nose, causing Spencer to crinkle it in response. “And I’ll be here for you every step of the way like I wish I could’ve been ten years ago,” 

“Thank you for giving me a second chance,” Spencer breathes out into the space between them. 

“Thank you for letting me in,” Luke replies and then he’s laughing. “God, we’re cheesy,” He pulls back and grabs Spencer’s hands. “You have any of those donuts left?”

“Luke, it’s almost midnight,” Spencer laughs. 

“And?” Luke asks, wiggling his eyebrows. Spencer laughs again. He hasn’t felt this happy in months. Years, even. “I want to throw on one of those documentaries you love and eat donuts until we fall asleep,” He pauses and his tone changes to serious. “That okay?”

“Sounds perfect,” Spencer replies, his heart pounding rapidly against his chest. 

---

They settle onto Spencer’s couch, the box of donuts lying on the table as they flip through the selection of documentaries. 

“Any of these that you haven’t seen?” Luke teases and Spencer rolls his eyes. 

“You have the same job as me now,” He glances over at Luke. “Do you really think I have a lot of time to watch documentaries?”

Luke scoffs. “Come on, cariño, I know you make time for them,” Spencer can’t help but smile. When he doesn’t respond to the tease, Luke raises an eyebrow at him. “What?”

“I’ve really missed that,” He admits quietly as if saying it any louder will ruin this moment. “It nearly killed me to hear you call me only by my last name when you officially joined the team,”

Luke grimaces. So much for not ruining the moment. “It was the only way I could separate myself from you. I felt if I called you by your name, the entire team would be able to read me like a book,”

Spencer smiles sadly, bringing his hand up to caress Luke’s cheek. He watches as Luke’s eyes flutter closed and he leans into the touch. He can’t stop himself from leaning forward and pressing his lips to Luke’s. 

“I love you, Luke,” He says the words for the first time in ten years, and Luke’s eyes blink open. 

“I love you too, cariño,” Luke turns his head to press a kiss to the inside of Spencer’s wrist. He then moves around to relax further into the couch, wrapping around Spencer’s shoulder, pulling him closer in the process. “Now, let’s watch something where I’ll learn more from you than the documentary,”

“It’s not my fault that a lot of documentaries are biased,” Spencer says, settling into the crook of Luke’s side. Luke chuckles and presses a kiss to the side of Spencer’s head. 

Spencer never realized he could be this happy again, not after Maeve, not after prison. 

But once again, Luke swoops in and changes his life. 

Chapter Text

The first thing that Spencer notices when he wakes up is that he slept through the night without any nightmares. It registers with him before he even opens his eyes, before he even realizes where he is. 

He frowns as he feels his limbs protesting whenever he tries to move them, and he realizes he must have fallen asleep on the couch. His couch has never been the most comfortable. But there is something underneath him that is definitely not the couch, and it causes him to open his eyes. 

He takes in his surroundings and stills quickly as he realizes where he is, and who he’s draped across. Luke’s hard muscles lay beneath Spencer’s cheek, an arm wrapped around Spencer’s waist, holding him closely in his sleep. 

Spencer squeezes his eyes shut and breathes in deeply, Luke’s scent washing over him. It feels too good to be true to be in Luke’s arms again. 

And then Luke begins to thread his fingers through Spencer’s hair and he fears that he’s still asleep.

Surely, this has to be a dream. 

He forces himself to open his eyes, grateful that Luke is still there when he looks up. “We fell asleep,” He murmurs, blinking tiredly.

“That was part of the deal of donuts and documentaries,” Luke quips with a smile. Spencer smiles back and sits up. He frowns when Luke sits up and begins stretching. 

“Sorry,” Spencer sighs. “I should have mentioned that this couch is not great to sleep on,” He doesn’t mention that it’s still much better than a prison cot, but he fears that would ruin the moment. 

Luke shrugs with a grin. “Best sleep I’ve had in a while,” 

Spencer feels his heart crawl up to his throat and he swallows against the lump as he bites his lip. “Me too,” His eyes flicker over Luke’s face and he longs to kiss him. Then he remembers that he can, that it’s something he can do freely once again, so he leans in and presses a soft kiss to Luke’s lips before pulling back and murmuring, “Good morning,”

“Morning,” Luke raises an eyebrow. “Kissing before brushing our teeth? I thought you hate morning breath,”

“I’ve waited for years to be able to kiss you again,” Spencer shrugs, then adds “Plus prison made it easier to deal with germs,” Luke frowns, and Spencer hates that he ruined the moment despite actively trying not to, so he leans in and kisses him again. He can feel Luke’s frown turn into a smile, sending a spark through his body. “I’m okay,”

“I know, I just hate that you were in there,” Luke looks at him cautiously. “You’re really okay with adding us into your life right now?”

Spencer nods, and because he’s allowed to, he runs a hand through Luke’s messy curls. He’s only ever seen Luke’s bedhead a handful of times, and it takes his breath away to know that he’s bound to see it so often now that there’s a chance he could lose track of the times that it happens. “You’ve always made me feel safe, Luke,”

“Good,” Luke smiles, and Spencer notices that his eyes are still somewhat glossy as if he’s still waking up. That coupled with his bedhead makes it impossible for Spencer to look away from him. “What?”

“Nothing,” Spencer says, ducking his head. He’s embarrassed he was caught looking, but he doesn’t hold back the reason. He doesn’t have to anymore. “I just, uh, forgot how cute you are in the morning,”

Spencer looks up to gauge his reaction and his heart warms when Luke smiles, a blush creeping up on his cheeks.  “It’s pretty early for compliments, cariño, but thank you,”

“I’m pretty rusty with flirting, so compliments are my best strategy,” Spencer says, wondering if Luke will remember saying this to him on their first date. 

“Hey, that’s my line!” He exclaims, making a show of being offended. It makes Spencer laugh. It feels good to laugh again. 

“Sorry, I should have asked to borrow it,” Spencer quips.

“You can borrow it as long as it’s not used on someone else,” 

“Just for you. I promise,” Spencer smiles, leaning in to bump his nose against Luke’s. He wonders if it’s normal to fall back into a relationship so easily, especially after over a decade apart. Especially after one has just gotten out of prison. 

Suddenly, Luke is murmuring a curse as he pushes away from Spencer. Spencer’s heart sinks and he begins to assume the worst. “What?” Luke jumps off the couch and begins looking around the small area around the couch. “What’s wrong?”

“I was supposed to take Lucy to school,” Luke explains and as he searches, Spencer can’t help but think of Luke driving his niece to school and picking her up, ever the devoted uncle. When Luke finds his phone and looks at it for a moment, he lets out a relieved sigh. “Oh, good, Maria took her,” When he looks up to find Spencer looking at him, his eyebrows knit together. “What?”

“It’s just sweet, is all,” Spencer smiles as Luke sits down, their legs pressed against each other. “How you are with your niece,”

“She’s the best,” Luke leans in and rests his chin on Spencer’s shoulder as if it’s the most obvious thing to do, as if he can’t not touch Spencer. 

“So your sister knows you’re here?” Luke hums, the action vibrating against Spencer’s shoulder. “And she’s…okay with that?” Spencer turns towards Luke, needing to look him in the eyes as he brings this up. “I know you said that she helped you after I…”

“I talked with her yesterday,” Luke replies. “I didn’t tell her everything, because it’s your story to tell, but I explained that I know what happened now,” Luke clears his throat. “I actually, um, needed her to give me a push,” He admits sheepishly and Spencer’s eyebrows pull together in confusion. 

“What do you mean?”

“I needed her to make me realize that I could be happy with you again,” Spencer raises an eyebrow. “I didn’t know what to do, so she just asked me if I still love you,” Luke brushes a piece of Spencer’s hair away from his face. 

“Well, at least she doesn’t completely hate me,” Spencer grimaces. “I would,”

“She doesn’t hate you,” Luke reassures him. “She wouldn’t have chased me back over here if she did,”

“I’ll have to take your word for it,” Spencer says, but he can’t shut the worry down. 

“Guess you will,” 

A silence falls over them and Spencer watches closely as Luke shifts closer to him. They don’t speak for a few moments, and Spencer is glad for the brief opportunity to allow his mind to wrap around what’s happening right now. He still feels as though he is about to wake up from a dream at any time. 

Because here they are, wrapped up in each other as if nothing ever happened. It feels odd that 24 hours ago, he was deep cleaning his apartment because he was worried about talking with Luke, and they are unable to keep their hands off each other after a night of sleeping pressed against each other.

 It’s almost as if they had been like this for years, as if like nothing broke them apart. 

Spencer tries not to think about where they would be now if he had trusted Luke with his addiction and trauma. 

“Can I ask you a question?” He asks, wanting to stop the trail his brain was about to lead him down.

“Anything, cariño,”

Spencer tries to suppress his smile because he feels as though he should after years without Luke, but once again, he reminds himself that he’s allowed to smile at Luke just because he called him ‘cariño’. “I’ve missed that,” And he can tell him about it. 

He wonders how long it’ll take before he doesn’t police everything he does in front of Luke before telling himself that there is no reason for it. It reminds him of the first few days of knowing Luke. He felt as though he needed to filter himself or Luke would run for the hills, but he never did. 

And he still hasn’t. His feet seem to be firmly planted in front of Spencer, making no move to run away. 

“That’s not a question, cariño,” Luke teases and Spencer pretends to be annoyed. 

“You distracted me,” Then he draws in a deep breath and asks, “Do you think it’s weird that we were able to fall back into this, us , so easily?”

Luke thinks for a moment and then replies with,  “I think it would be if we hadn’t spent the last six months in each other’s lives,” His hand finds Spencer’s as if they are magnets bound to find one another. “I’ve wanted you in my arms since I saw you again,”

“But you were so mad,” Spencer whispers, frowning as he remembers the hurt in Luke’s eyes. 

“Didn’t change how much I wanted you,” The word wanted makes Spencer stiffen at the implication. An implication that used to not send a rush of anxiety through him.

“Luke-” Spencer shifts nervously. “I need to…I need you to know that because of everything…” Prison, Cat Adams. “I need you to know that I need to take things slower than I normally would,” He looks down, humiliated that he’s in his thirties and he can’t be intimate with the man he loves because of everything that has happened in the last few months. 

He really, really hates Cat Adams. 

“Hey, hey,” Luke says, moving until he catches Spencer’s gaze. He gives Spencer a reassuring smile. “We go at your pace, okay?” Spencer nods slowly. “Am I touching you too much?” Luke asks, frowning at their hands. He goes to move away, but Spencer is quick to shake his hand and squeeze at his hands.

“No, no, I’m okay with this,” Spencer sighs. “I’ve always been more comfortable with your touch compared to others,” He admits. “I just can’t give you more right now,”

“Spencer, don’t worry about any of that, okay?” Luke smiles and he can see that Luke is being earnest. “I’m just excited that we’re going to be able to be together while we’re both in the same country, let alone state,” Spencer laughs. 

“I suppose that is a perk,” He won’t miss the threat of Luke’s departure hanging over them as his foot heals. He won’t miss having to leave Luke while he’s in town. He won’t miss having to travel to see Luke. 

“And we still have a few weeks left of leave,”

“Might be more for me if I’m not reinstated,” 

“They’d be crazy not to reinstate you,” Luke huffs. “You’re the best agent they have,” 

Spencer rolls his eyes. “I think you might be biased, Luke,” He says. He reluctantly pulls away from Luke and stands up. 

“Sure, I have a bias, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t the best agent the bureau has,” Luke says, his tone nonchalant. 

“Did you already forget all the things I told you yesterday?”

Luke leans back against the couch. “Sorry, cariño, my opinion of you won’t be swayed,” Spencer’s breath hitches as the words sink in. He’s confirming that everything Spencer had told him the day before didn’t make him look at Spencer any differently. 

It’s what he always dreamt of hearing, but at the same time, it just shows that his decisions were foolish and based in fear, not reality. Luke would have stuck by his side if Spencer had let him. 

“Right,” He chokes out, then quickly turns and walks towards his kitchen. “Do you want something for breakfast? I don’t think I have much,”

When he discovers that he does not have much in terms of breakfast options, he suggests that they go get coffee. Then Luke is grinning at him as he steps forward. “I have a better idea,”

“Better than coffee?”

“Okay,” Luke chuckles, reaching out to pull Spencer close. Spencer allows himself to be pulled into Luke’s arms. “It’s still coffee, but I think we should invite someone,”

Spencer pulls back slightly, eyes widening. “Who?”

Luke’s grin is bright and warm. “I think that it’s time that you meet Roxy,”

Spencer clutches Luke’s arms to stop himself from stumbling back in surprise. “You want me to meet your dog?”

Luke nods, his eyes glinting excitedly. “There’s a coffee shop near my place that has a nice patio. I take Roxy there a lot,”

Spencer continues to stare at Luke, scanning him for any signs of humor. “You do remember the Reid Effect, right? Dogs don’t like me,”

“Well, Roxy isn’t like other dogs,” Luke huffs and Spencer chuckles at how defensive he is over his dog. “She’ll love you,”

Spencer sighs. “Luke…” He runs a hand over his face. “I want this to work,” Luke’s eyebrows furrow, but Spencer doesn’t stop talking. “I want this to work more than anything,”

“Me too,” Luke assures him even though he isn’t sure what Spencer is getting at. 

“But I know that if your dog hates me, it’ll ruin everything, and dealing with that literally hours after getting back together seems like a bad idea, like we're tempting fate-” 

“Spencer,” Luke says, placing his hands on Spencer’s shoulders. “Cariño,” He stresses and Spencer relaxes slightly. “I’m telling you, she’ll love you,” He leans forward, kissing him softly. “Just like I love you,”

Spencer offers a small smile and agrees to the official meeting of Roxy Alvez, but he feels his worry bubbling under the surface.

He prays Luke is right about his dog. 

—-

Miraculously, Luke’s dog loves Spencer. 

Roxy is sweet and affectionate and warms to Spencer immediately. She doesn't leave him alone while Luke is changing, which causes Luke to simply smirk at Spencer as he walks back into the room. He then grabs Roxy's leash and hooks it onto her collar. 

“You ready?” He asks, and Spencer nods. Luke then looks to Roxy who is wagging her tail excitedly as she waits patiently for Luke to lead her out the door. “And what about you, Roxy? Are you ready?” Roxy lets out a soft whine and Luke laughs. “Okay, come on,”

The three of them leave Luke’s place and Spencer soon finds himself walking on a sidewalk with Luke and a dog. It feels almost like the start of a bad joke. 

A traumatized doctor who just got out of prison, the world’s most understanding man, and a dog walk into a coffee shop…

Spencer insists on paying (“You paid for ramen and donuts yesterday, it’s my turn”), and Luke finds them a place on the patio. When Spencer returns with their drinks, Roxy is lying by Luke’s feet. She lifts her head when she sees Spencer approaching and begins panting. It is rather warm out today. 

“She’s happy to see you,” Luke informs him, unknowingly correcting his hypothesis. “She was upset you left,”

Spencer squints at Luke as the older man takes a sip of his coffee. “I don’t know if I believe you,”

Luke lets out a laugh and raises his hands in mock surrender. “Okay, fine, I guess you’ll just have to learn that she likes you all by yourself,”

Spencer’s gaze shifts to Roxy, surprised to see that she’s watching him already. He catches Luke’s eye and Luke smirks at him again as if to say ‘I told you so’. Spencer chooses to ignore it. 

He also chooses to ignore how relieved he is about a dog liking him. 

—-

Spencer spends the next few hours with Luke and Roxy. They meander around town, Roxy trotting beside them. Eventually, they all tire themselves out and they make their way back to Luke’s place only to realize that Luke needs to leave soon to pick up Lucy from school. 

“I’m sorry-” Luke starts to say, but Spencer cuts him off. 

“Luke,” Spencer says softly, a smile playing at his lips. “Don’t apologize,” He chuckles. “If anything, I should be apologizing for taking up so much of your time,” Luke is shaking his head before he even finishes his sentence. 

“Please never apologize for that,” Luke takes a step forward, entering Spencer’s space and wrapping his arms around Spencer’s waist. “In fact, please take up more of my time,”

Spencer lets out a laugh. “What if you find out that this relationship worked better with distance?” He means for it to be a joke, but his mind doesn’t exactly view it as such. 

Luke’s arms tighten around him. “I hope you aren’t implying I’m going to get bored of you,” 

Spencer shrugs. “We never spent much time together before one of us had to leave,” Spencer frowns. “And even since you started working at the BAU, you still haven’t spent much time with me because you’ve been avoiding me, and then when you weren’t avoiding me, I was in prison-” Spencer hums as Luke cuts him off with a gentle kiss. It’s quick, but reassuring, just what Spencer needs. 

“Cariño,” Luke murmurs, nudging his nose against Spencer’s. “How could anybody ever get bored of you?”

Spencer grimaces. “You’d be surprised,” Luke gives him a puzzled look and Spencer sighs. “You joined the team at the right time, I guess,”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve gotten…better at learning when to shut up,” Spencer winces at the way that sounds. “I mean, I just,” He sighs again. “I’ve gotten to the point where I am more aware of when people want to hear me talk and when I need to stop. When I was younger, I tended to dump information on the team and I would have to be told to stop. Or I could tell when the group was disinterested,” Spencer rolls his shoulders back as if shrugging the feelings off him.

It’s Luke’s turn to frown. “Spencer, I always want to hear you talk,” Spencer’s head tilts to the side in surprise. “Even when it hurt to look at you, I was interested in hearing what you had to say,”

“Oh,”

Luke removes one hand from Spencer’s waist to place it on his cheek. He rubs his thumb along Spencer’s cheekbone, causing him to draw in a deep breath. “I’m not going to get tired of you, Spence. I meant what I said, I’m all in,”

“I-” Spencer blinks, trying to ignore the sting of tears behind his eyes. “I love you,”

Luke’s smile is blinding. “I love you too, cariño,” He kisses his nose, causing Spencer to scrunch it in response. Luke’s laugh fills the space between them. “Are you free tomorrow? I want to take advantage of all this time off we have,”

“Yeah, I’m free,” Spencer smiles. 

Luke grins and begins to pull away from Spencer, though he seems to be reluctant to do so. “I’ll call you tonight to figure out a time?”

“Sounds great,” Spencer turns towards the door but stops when he remembers his nightly call with JJ. “Just don’t call around 9 tonight,” At Luke’s puzzled expression, Spencer explains, “JJ has been calling me to check in every night after she puts the boys to bed,”

Luke smiles and nods. “I’ll plan around it, then,”

“I’ll talk to you later,” 

“Let me know when you get home, alright?” Spencer’s hand is on the doorknob, but he doesn’t have the chance to turn it before Luke adds, “I love you,”

Spencer turns to look at him with a smile. “I love you too,”

---

“How was your day?” JJ asks him that night and Spencer wonders how he should respond. 

Should he be honest and say that it was the best day he’s had in years? Should he tell her he was with Luke, explain that he spent the day with his boyfriend?

God, it feels great to get to call Luke his boyfriend again. 

“Good,” is what he settles on. “I went out for coffee,” It may seem inconsequential, but JJ knows that he has only left his apartment for necessary reasons, like going with his mother to take her to her new facility or going to check in on her. He hadn’t even been to a grocery store since he’s been out. He was ordering it all through an app and having it delivered to his door. 

So, going out for coffee was a good step. 

He doesn’t tell her that he was the one who suggested it after he and Luke had woken up on his couch. He doesn’t tell her that he went to Luke’s apartment to pick up his dog. He doesn’t tell her that they spent the afternoon wandering around. 

And he doesn’t mention that Luke had no idea that he had barely left his apartment since he returned home. 

It’s not important because now it’s not true. He left his apartment for most of the day and it was all because of Luke. 

Luke, just as he was ten years ago, is good for him. 

“That’s good to hear, Spence,” JJ replies. “How are you doing?”

“Better than I expected,” He sighs. “I never thought I would feel…good again, but I feel good, JJ,”

“I’m glad,” JJ whispers, and he knows that she’s trying to disguise her tears from him. “I’m so glad, Spence,”

He is too. 

---

A week later, Spencer is faced with a situation that is much scarier than meeting Roxy. 

Meeting Luke’s sister and niece. 

They are on week five of their six-week leave, and the two of them have been so wrapped up in each other, getting reacquainted, that it is odd to think about being with Luke around other people, that’s the first thing that Spencer thinks when Luke invites him over for dinner to officially meet Maria and Lucy. 

He supposes that it’s good to burst this bubble now seeing as they will be back at work soon. 

He feels nauseous as he stands in front of Luke’s door, but he can’t do anything about it except take a deep breath before he knocks on the door. He can hear Roxy barking at the noise, alerting everyone in the house, and then he hears Luke’s laugh. 

It calms him enough to not bolt as soon as the door begins to open. 

“Hey,” Luke grins. 

“Hi,”

“I told you not to bring anything,” Luke chastises as he takes in the bottle of wine and bouquet of flowers in Spencer’s hand. Spencer shrugs sheepishly. 

Luke ushers him in, his hands a soothing presence on Spencer’s body as the door shuts behind him. Roxy is at his feet as he shrugs his coat off, Luke holding onto the bottle of wine and flowers as he does so. Luke takes it and Spencer hesitantly reaches down to pet Roxy’s head. She lets out a whine and he jumps in surprise. 

“Relax, Spence,” Luke smirks. “She’s just excited to see you again,”

Spencer hums and relaxes slightly as Roxy sits in front of him, happy to allow Spencer to pet her just like this all night. Spencer wishes that were the reality. 

“Spencer?” Spencer looks up to see Luke assessing him carefully. This will not be the first time that Spencer wishes Luke hadn’t gone through so many profiling courses. He could already see right through Spencer, but now it’s like he didn’t even have to try. “You good?”

Spencer clears his throat and nods. “Of course,” He finally takes the wine and the flowers back from Luke. 

Luke levels him with a knowing gaze before pressing into Spencer’s space, crowding him until Spencer can’t remember why he’s so nervous. Luke kisses him sweetly and Spencer can’t help but melt into him. He nearly drops the wine. “It’s going to be fine,” Luke murmurs before pulling away. “You probably won’t even get a word in edgewise with Lucy around,” He pulls back, but his hand slides down to the small of Spencer’s back, using the action to guide Spencer through the house into the kitchen. 

Luke’s sister is beautiful, something that Spencer had known ten years ago from pictures and the reasonable guess that any sibling of Luke’s had to be attractive. She iss standing in front of the stove stirring a saucepan when Luke clears his throat to announce them. 

She looks up and to her credit, she doesn’t look at Spencer with total disgust, so that’s something. 

“Hi, Spencer!” Maria Alvez beams, her eyes lighting up just like Luke’s. “Thanks for coming to dinner,”

Spencer clears his throat. “Thank you for having me,” He takes a step forward, offering the wine to her in an awkward gesture. “I brought you some wine. It’s from Paris,” 

Her eyes widen and then she grins as she takes it from him. “Paris? Damn,” 

“I went there about a year ago with my mother and we ended up buying wine even though neither of us really drink. We felt like it was a crime not to bring some back with us,” He shrugs. “Figured this was the time I was looking for to bring it out,” He then lifts the flowers in his hands. “I brought flowers for your daughter because admittedly, I’m not sure what to gift children when first meeting them. I didn’t want to insult her intelligence by getting her something she might deem too young for her, so I felt as though flowers were a good bet,” Suddenly he’s struck with a thought and his eyes widen in horror. “Oh, God, she’s not allergic to flowers, is she?” He asks, turning from Maria to Luke. 

Luke chuckles and leans in to place a kiss on Spencer’s cheek. “No, Spence, she’s fine. And while you didn’t need to get her anything, she’ll be thrilled to know you thought of her,” He runs a hand down Spencer’s back and Spencer allows himself to relax. 

“Lukey, can you go grab her? I’m about to drain the pasta,” Maria says, hovering over the stove. 

“I can if you call me by my actual name,” Luke retorts and Maria looks over her shoulder to smirk at him. 

“My dear baby brother,” Spencer smiles as Luke huffs. “It’s my God-given right to tease you in front of your boyfriend. Now go get your niece,” 

Luke rolls his eyes, but his expression changes as he looks over to Spencer. “I’ll be right back. You good?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Spencer breathes out. Luke gives him a once over before he walks out of the kitchen, calling for his niece. 

When Spencer looks back up, he’s not surprised to find Maria’s gaze locked on him, and because he hates silence, he finds himself speaking. “I’d like to thank you for having me over,” 

“You’ve said that already,” Maria says, her tone teasing, though her eyes have hardened. 

“I know, I just mean,” Spencer takes a step forward, lowering his voice. “Thank you for having me in your home after everything I’ve done to cause your brother pain,” Maria nearly drops the pot of pasta she was pouring into the colander and Spencer curses himself for picking the worst moment to speak. She finishes her task before turning to look at him with an unreadable expression. 

“So, Luke has told you that I might not be your biggest fan?”

“He didn’t have to,” Spencer says, smiling sadly. 

Maria hums as she leans against the kitchen island, crossing her arms over her chest. “Did he also tell you that I was the one to give him the kick in the ass he needed to give you a second chance?”

Spencer smiles. “Yes, yet another reason I have to thank you,” 

Maria considers him for a moment and then closes the gap between them so they are standing face to face. “I just want my brother to be happy, and if you make him happy, I’m not going to hold a grudge,” Her gaze narrows and her lips thin. “Even if I really want to,”

Spencer lets out a small laugh. “I can’t say I blame you,” He tugs at the sleeve of his cardigan. “But I need you to know that I’m not letting myself screw this up again,” He glances back towards the door, his skin prickling as he hears footsteps coming down the stairs. “He means too much to me,”

“Good,” He turns back to see Maria’s expression softening. 

“So, thank you,” He stresses and she cracks a smile. 

“You’re welcome,” She turns back to the sink as the footsteps grow nearer. “Just don’t make me regret it,”

He doesn’t have a chance to respond before Luke is back with his niece. His niece beats him into the kitchen by a few seconds and she grins triumphantly. 

“I told you I’d beat you, Uncle Luke,” She smirks, crossing her arms over her chest. Spencer has to bite back a laugh as he notices how closely she resembles Luke. “You should really be better at running if they’re trusting you to chase after the bad guys,” 

Spencer can’t bite back his laugh at that and then Luciana’s turning to face him with a calculating gaze. She no longer looks like Luke, but rather like her mother who is still using that same gaze to stare at him from across the room. 

Spencer swallows nervously. “Hi there,” He says, sticking out his hand. “I’m Spencer, I’m…” Spencer’s eyes widen as he looks up at Luke. Thankfully, Luke senses his panic and steps in with the right words. 

“Spencer is my boyfriend, Luce,” Luciana’s gaze doesn’t change as she takes him in. 

“Is that why you brought him flowers?” She asks after a few moments of silence. 

Spencer smiles and shakes his head. “Actually, I brought these for you,” He sticks out his hand and hopes the bouquet hides how he’s trembling. She looks between him and the flowers, her expression still unreadable. 

Spencer can literally stare evil in the face day in and day out, but the Alvez women might be the death of him. 

“Really?” Luciana asks, her eyes shifting to look at Luke. 

“Don’t look at me,” Luke says, putting his hands up in mock defense. “He’s never brought me flowers, so you must be pretty lucky,” 

Spencer makes a note to bring Luke flowers. 

Luciana’s eyes shift back to Spencer and then she’s smiling as she takes the flowers from him. “No one’s ever gotten me flowers before,” She murmurs. “Thank you,” 

“You’re very welcome,”

“Mama, do we have a vase?”

“Check under the sink, Luce,” 

Luciana finds a vase under the sink and then fills it with water before placing the flowers in them. She stares at them for a while before turning on her heel. “I’m Luciana, but you can call me Lucy,” She reaches out and this time she and Spencer shake hands. 

“Nice to meet you, Lucy,” He smiles. “I’ve heard a lot about you,”

“I haven’t heard like anything about you,” Lucy says, her head tilting to the side. 

“Lucy,” Luke says sternly as he moves to grab plates from the cabinet. 

“What? I haven’t!” Lucy huffs. Then she jabs her thumb towards her mom and Luke. “They don’t tell me anything,” Spencer chuckles. 

“Grown-ups tend to do that, don’t they?”

Lucy’s eyes brighten. “Exactly! It’s so annoying,” She scoffs and Spencer sees Luke roll his eyes. 

“Maria, do you want some of this wine Spencer brought?”

“Yes, please,” Luke grabs a wine glass and then goes to grab another before looking at Spencer as if checking with him. Spencer offers a small smile, nodding. He knows that Luke is checking in to see if it’s alright if Luke drinks. It’s unnecessary, as alcohol isn’t the most triggering thing, he just avoids it because it doesn’t benefit him in any way to be reminded of losing his inhibitions, but it's sweet that Luke is already checking in with him about things like this. 

“You can sit by me,” Lucy says as she leads him to the table. She takes a seat and pats the seat beside him. Spencer is about to offer to help with the food, but Luke shakes his head with a smile, so he goes to sit beside her.

“How did you meet Uncle Luke?”

“Well, we actually met a long time ago, way before you were born, but then we lost touch,” Spencer clears his throat. “And now we work together,”

Lucy’s eyes widen. “You catch bad guys too?”

“Luce, Spencer’s been catching bad guys way longer than I have,” Luke says as he and Maria walk over. They set the food down and then settle around the table, Luke on Spencer’s side, Maria in between him and Lucy. 

“Woah!” She exclaims. “So, you’re even cooler than Uncle Luke!”

Spencer’s eyebrows furrow. “I don’t know if anybody’s ever called me ‘cool’ before,”

“Oh, I’ve definitely called you cool before, Spence,” Luke says. “Because you are,” He looks over at Lucy and pretends to whisper, “he’s super cool.”

Spencer feels his worry begin to melt away as their meal begins and Lucy pesters him with questions. Maria is still looking at him quizzically, but there’s no hostility behind it like he expected. 

Luke’s smile helps to calm his fears even more. 

---

After dinner, Lucy drags him over to the living room where she shows him the puzzle the three of them have been working on. 

“Oh yeah,” Luke says softly as he sits beside Spencer on the couch. “I forgot to tell you that not working has made me a puzzle guy,”

Spencer laughs. “Well, it makes sense. With no cases to solve, a puzzle is the next best thing,”

They settle into work on the puzzle, and by the time Lucy is told it’s time for bed, they’ve completed the border. She pouts, but Maria accompanies her upstairs. Before she goes upstairs, she hugs Spencer and tells him that he has to come back to hang out soon. 

It makes something crack in Spencer’s chest.

“Is that my cue to leave?” Spencer asks and Luke shakes his head. 

“I’m an adult, Spencer, I don’t have a curfew,” He presses a kiss to Spencer’s jaw, causing him to shiver. “How are you doing?”

“I’m good,” Spencer says, and he is. “Tonight was really nice,”

“I know you were nervous,” Luke says, tucking a piece of hair behind Spencer’s ear. “But I’m really glad you came over,”

“Me too,” 

“Also, remind me to tell the entire team that the Reid Effect is bullshit,” Luke grins. “Might even write a letter to Agent Hotchner because there’s no way that is a thing when my dog-” He points to Roxy who’s snoozing by Spencer’s feet. “-and my niece both love you,” Luke then scoffs at himself. “Well, not as much as I love you, but still,”

Spencer feels his breath catch in his throat. Despite sitting here with Luke, having the older man wrapped around him, the words still catch him off guard. He never got the chance to get used to Luke’s declarations of love.

He wonders if this time he will or if it’ll always feel like Luke is taking his breath away with those words. 

---

Thankfully, Luke is completely on board with Spencer’s wish to not tell the team right away. It’s something that he didn’t even realize he was anxious about until he was sitting beside Luke and explaining that he’s never really been open about his personal life with the team, which is true. Only JJ knows he’s bisexual. 

Luke agrees that they should keep it to themselves, and he adds “for now” to the end of the statement, which lights something within Spencer because that means that there really is a future for them. A future where they are so stable in their relationship that they can tell the team. A future where they don’t feel like they’re holding something fragile between them.

Because that is what’s happening, even though neither of them wants to discuss it. Despite their confidence in their feelings for one another, they can both feel how delicate the situation is. Whenever they talk about the past, they use carefully thought-out words and worried gazes. 

But “for now” means that Luke is thinking about a future where they are sturdy again. 

It may not be much, but it’s enough for Spencer. 

For now. 

----

“I got reinstated,” Spencer says. He had texted Luke to meet him by the elevator instead of meeting him in the bullpen. Luke had shown up with two cups of coffee and an expectant look on his face.

“Spence! That’s great!” Luke grins, and he almost wonders if Luke purposefully placed a coffee in both their hands so they wouldn’t be tempted to touch one another. 

“It’s conditional,”

“What do you mean?”

Spencer stares down at his coffee for a moment. “For every 100 days in the field, I have to take 30 days off,”

“Oh,” Luke hums, taking a sip of his coffee. “Well, I guess that’s understandable after everything that you’ve been through,”

Spencer runs a hand over his face and wants to snap. Hotch was able to be back in the field after losing Haley. Emily was allowed to be back in the field after faking her own death. “I feel like I’m being put on a leash,” He says as he frowns at his coffee

“Hey,” Luke says, ducking down to force Spencer to meet his gaze. “This is better than nothing, Spence,”

“I guess,” He sighs and takes a drink from his coffee. His nose crinkles and Luke lets out an exasperated laugh. 

“Come on ! There’s no way I didn’t get enough sugar in there, Spence!” Spencer purses his lips together and Luke rolls his eyes. “One of these days, I’m going to get the ratio just right,”

“But today is not that day,” Spencer says. He makes a show of taking another drink and making a face. 

“Okay, relax,” Luke says with a huff, though his eyes crinkle by the sides as he smiles at Spencer. 

“I’m kidding,” Spencer smiles. “Thank you for making me coffee,”

“Anytime,” He nudges Spencer and then jerks his head towards the glass doors. “Now, let’s go tell everyone you’re back,”

“Conditionally,”

Luke smiles. “Hey, at least it’s 100 days in the field and 30 out, not vice versa,” He begins to walk towards the doors. Once he gets there, he opens it and holds it open for Spencer. 

“I guess that’s true,”

“Gotta think on the bright side, Dr. Reid,” Luke says, tossing him a wink. “Now, go put more sugar in your coffee,”

Spencer walks over to the kitchenette with the intention to do so, but instead, he stands and stares at the coffee Luke made for him. 

He doesn’t tell Luke his main concerns about this condition. He has been so confident in his relationship with Luke because, unlike last time, he and Luke won’t be separated by distance. Luke won’t be in New York while Spencer flits around for work. Luke won’t be deployed. 

But now…now there is going to be 100 days of them getting to spend their days together followed by 30 days of Spencer being stuck in D.C. while Luke is off with the team. He already knows that being away from Luke for an extended period of time, even if just a few days, is bound to bring up memories he doesn’t want to deal with. 

“Spence!” JJ calls out, jerking him out of his thoughts. He grabs his coffee and makes his way over to the group. It’s like everyone is back from a summer vacation, but Spencer sees the way everybody shifts their tone when they ask him how his break was. He tells him that he’s been reinstated, but he doesn’t tell them it’s conditional. Not yet. 

Then Emily requests they meet in the round table room, saying there’s a new case, and when she announces that Spencer was reinstated, the team cheers. He feels Luke’s hand on his shoulder. In this moment, they can get away with this and seem normal. 

Spencer wishes Luke didn’t have to pull his hand away.

They go over the gruesome details of the case, and soon, they are breaking away from each other to prepare to head out. 

He finishes the coffee Luke made for him before leaving the office, not even caring that it tasted too bitter because it was just a reminder that Luke had made it for him. Because Luke loves him and Luke believes they have a future. 

Even if Spencer is going to spend 100 days in the field with him, and 30 days without him. 

---

He talks with Emily about the condition, and of course, she knew, and of course, she knew how to make it better. She arranged for him to teach seminars to other agents so he’s not sitting around with nothing to do for 30 days. 

He wonders what he would do without her, and the thought brings him back to a few years ago when he thought he was without her, so he quickly pushes the thought away. 

---

Eventually, Emily urges them all to get some sleep, so they find themselves back at the hotel. Spencer goes about his bedtime routine before grabbing his phone and heading to Luke’s room in his pajamas. 

Luke answers immediately after he knocks, having clearly been waiting after Spencer texted him to tell him he was on his way. He steps aside and allows Spencer in. The door clicks shut and then Luke’s hands are on Spencer’s body and all is right with the world once more. 

“Oh man,” Luke murmurs as he wraps himself around Spencer. “I think I may have a problem,” Spencer pulls back to raise an eyebrow, and Luke smirks. “I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to not touch you,”

“You’ve touched me today,” Spencer points out, extracting himself from Luke’s hold to move over to the hotel bed. 

“Not in the way I wanted,” Luke says, his voice bordering on a whine. Spencer laughs as he sits down on the edge of the bed. Luke sits down beside him and Spencer is reminded of the last time they were in a hotel room. 

Before they got back together. 

Before Luke knew the truth. 

Before prison. 

Before Mexico. 

Spencer draws in a deep breath and then pulls Luke’s lips to his in a bruising kiss to remind himself that he can . Luke lets out a noise of surprise but melts against Spencer, his arms winding around Spencer’s waist as if they belong there. 

“See?” Luke says as he breaks the kiss. “I knew you missed me too,” 

“I did,” Spencer murmurs. “Which makes me feel crazy because you were right there all day,”

“It’s different though, isn’t it?” Spencer nods. “Small price to have to pay for some privacy,” Spencer can’t help but laugh. 

“You have no idea,” He leans his forehead on Luke’s and takes another deep breath in, his lungs filling with Luke’s scent. “The team lacks boundaries,” He huffs out a laugh. “Be glad Morgan isn’t on the team anymore,” Then he realizes the irony of his words, and he has to laugh. 

“What?” Luke asks, pulling back to look at him quizzically. 

“Morgan actually, um, knows about us,” Spencer then adds, “Well, not about us now .” He hums to himself. “Actually, he thought you and I were already back together when he saw us together, you know, the night he came to the BAU with that message from Scratch?”

“ Back together? He knew about…” Just as always, Luke trails off instead of using words to describe what happened ten years ago. 

“Yeah, I, um, went to him after you and I had that fight when we first started working together, when I came to your hotel room,” Spencer watches as Luke stiffens and he swallows against a lump in his throat. He tentatively reaches for Luke’s hand and Luke takes it easily. Both of them seem to relax. “I just needed someone to talk to, but I couldn’t talk to JJ or Garcia because then they would know everything, so I went to Derek,” He sighs. “He didn’t know about-” Spencer clears his throat. “He didn’t know how bad the Dilaudid was, to make me do that to you.”

“Spence-”

“But he helped me realize that I needed to tell you the truth when I was ready to tell you the truth,” He explains. “And then when he saw us together after I was out of prison, he assumed we were back together because of how we were with each other, I guess.” Spencer shrugs. “I wasn’t ready to believe that you could still love me,”

Luke opens and closes his mouth a few times, clearly trying to figure out what to say. Instead, he ends up leaning in to kiss Spencer softly. His hands make their way to either side of Spencer’s face, his fingers carding through Spencer’s hair. Spencer brings his own hands up to grip Luke’s wrist, effectively holding his hands in place as he kisses him. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean for it to get so…” Spencer trails off. “I just realized I said it was good that Morgan wasn’t still on the team because he would be the one to bring our relationship up all the time, but then I realize he’s actually the only one who knows that we have any kind of relationship,”

“You should tell him that we are back together,” Luke suggests. “Maybe we could have dinner with him. It would be nice to formally meet him,”

“I’d like that,” Spencer smiles and loses himself in the idea of Luke and Morgan becoming friends. “Oh, I forgot about why I originally came here!”

“And here I thought you wanted to see me,” Luke teases. 

“I did,” Spencer says, rolling his eyes. “But I also wanted to tell you something,” Luke quirks an eyebrow and Spencer smiles softly. “I talked with Emily about my conditional reinstatement, and she knew about it,”

“Makes sense,”

“And she already arranged for me to teach seminars to agents when I’m on my mandatory breaks,”

Luke’s eyes widen and his mouth pulls into a smile. “Really?”

Spencer nods. “She says I can teach whatever I want!”

“Spence, that’s awesome!” Luke exclaims. 

“I wasn’t too sure about it when she first brought it up, but knowing she put in the thought of finding me something to do, something that I know I’ll enjoy, it’s really sweet,” Luke smiles. 

“You’re going to be enjoying your seminars so much that you won’t even notice you aren’t in the field,”

“I don’t know about that,” Spencer retorts. 

“Does that mean we can start calling you Professor?” Luke smirks, wiggling his eyebrows. “Because I won’t lie, it sounds pretty hot,”

“Luke!”

“Relax, Spence, I’m only a little bit kidding,”

Spencer’s laugh is swallowed by a well-timed kiss that Luke drags him into. 

And despite everything, he’s the happiest he’s ever been. 

---

The first 100 days pass too quickly for Spencer’s liking, and soon, he’s stuck in D.C. while the team is on their first case without him. Spencer throws himself into his first series of lectures because the alternative is thinking about how Luke isn’t here, even if it’s just for a few days. 

Luke calls him every night he’s away, once he’s locked away in his hotel room after an exhausting day in the field. He tells him about the case, but he mostly asks to hear about Spencer’s day. They talk until Luke begins to yawn and Spencer kicks him off the phone. 

“I miss you,” Luke always says into the phone before mumbling a final, “I love you,” and then hanging up. 

He wonders if Luke realizes how familiar it is to when Luke was living in New York and they were doing long distance before they did the ultimate long distance that they didn’t make it through. 

---

Spencer hopes he doesn’t seem too desperate to see Luke the night he gets back from the case, but Luke seems just as eager to see him. Luke offers to come to Spencer’s apartment, but Spencer comes to him, telling him that he knows he’s probably exhausted and he doesn’t want to take Luke away from his home tonight. 

When he arrives at Luke’s house, he’s surprised to see the door open almost immediately to show a nervous Luke. 

“So, the team knows I’m dating someone, but they don’t know it’s you,” He blurts out. 

“Oh?” 

“And you know what? It’s your fault!” Luke huffs out, placing his hands on his hips. 

Spencer can’t stop himself from laughing. He shrugs off his coat and then Luke is taking it from him to hang up, just as he always does when Spencer comes over. Spencer then takes an opportunity to kiss Luke’s cheek before pulling him into a hug. “How’s that?”

“You texted me and told me you were going to bring a puzzle over for Luce,” He gestures to the box in Spencer’s hand. 

“Didn’t realize you were so charmed by puzzles,” He teases and Luke glares at him. 

“I’m charmed by you ,” Thankfully, Spencer is saved from having to respond to that by Lucy noticing them walking into the room. 

“Uncle Luke! You didn’t tell me Spencer was coming over,” Lucy scoffs, placing her hands on her hips just as Luke had just done. 

Spencer laughs and gestures towards her. “Did she get her attitude from you?” He’s wondered about it from the moment he met her, but he only just now feels comfortable enough to say it. 

“Yes!” Maria cackles and Luke and Luciana glare at her. “I told you, Luke!” She grins at Spencer. “Now I have a genius’ opinion,”

“This is why I should’ve come to your place,” Luke mumbles as Roxy trots over to Spencer. He pets her and she licks at his hand, and he doesn’t even wipe it on his pants. At least not immediately. 

“But then I wouldn’t have been able to give Lucy this puzzle I found in my apartment,” 

Lucy gasps as she takes the puzzle from him. “How’d you know that I love national parks?”

“You do?” Spencer asks, feigning surprise as Luke watches him with a fond look. “Oh man, I guess I’m glad I didn’t throw it out,” Lucy grins and thanks him before rushing over to show Maria. 

“Sucking up to a child? That’s pretty low, Dr. Reid,” Luke teases.

“Oh, I’m not sucking up to her, Luke,” He smirks. “I’m sucking up to your sister,” 

Maria smiles at him “When Lukey-”

“Don’t call me that-”

“-first told me about you, I couldn’t believe you were an actual genius, but damn, he wasn’t kidding,”

Luke looks over at Spencer with an expression that shows he is not amused. He then grumbles, “Next time, we’re going to your place,”.

---

That night is the first time Spencer and Luke sleep beside each other (in a bed) in ten years, and it’s after a long conversation where Luke confesses that he had a rough time while he was gone because he had a lot of feelings that reminded him of ten years ago. 

Spencer hates that Luke feels bad, but he’s almost relieved that he’s not alone in his feelings of worry about his mandatory leave.  

He feels like they really are growing back stronger. 

---

It takes a few moments for Spencer to get a bearing on his surroundings when he wakes up. He’s used to waking up in a bed that isn’t his after years of being away from his apartment so often, but there’s typically a neutral feeling of a hotel room. 

He wakes in a room that exudes warmth, and it only takes him a few moments to remember why that makes sense because he’s soon turning his head to find Luke sleeping soundly beside him. Roxy is lying at his feet, curled into a ball, taking up most of Luke’s leg room. The sight makes Spencer laugh. 

Luke’s eyelids flutter open and Spencer stops laughing. “Oh, sorry,” He murmurs. “I didn’t mean to wake you,”

“I’d say that waking up to you laughing is one of the best things I could wake up to,” Luke smiles sleepily up at him. “What were you laughing at?”

“It’s just funny to see a man who’s six feet tall sleeping all curled up because of his dog,” 

Luke lifts his head to look at Roxy who is still snoozing at the end of the bed. He shifts and stretches his legs. “I’m used to it,” He turns back to Spencer. “Even when it’s just me and her, she finds a way to take up my space,” Spencer chuckles. “At least she had a reason this time,”

“I feel bad that I had so much room,”

Luke moves closer, wrapping an arm around Spencer’s waist. He tucks his head into Spencer’s shoulder and breathes in deeply. “Having you in my bed is worth the sore legs,” He presses a soft kiss to Spencer’s neck. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah,” He places his arm on the top of Luke’s arm that is still holding him tightly. “Have I ever told you that I always sleep better because of you?”

“What do you mean?” Luke asks, lifting his head to look at Spencer. He adjusts slightly as his head is back on the pillow so he doesn’t have to strain to look up at him.

“When we first met, I was dealing with bad nightmares and insomnia. That first night, after we sent each other a few texts, I slept peacefully for the first time in months,” Spencer admits, his fingers picking at a loose string on Luke’s duvet. “And then we started talking on the phone every night, and I continued to sleep peacefully,” He sighs. “It wasn’t great after you left, but I was able to read your letters or wear your hoodie to bed,” He frowns. “But then I broke up with you and everything got worse,”

“Spence…” Luke murmurs and Spencer draws in a deep breath. 

“Even if I read your letters or wore that hoodie, I would have nightmares. They were typically about being kidnapped or a bad case, but occasionally I would have a nightmare about you,” 

“About me?”

“Before you got back, I dreamt that you died overseas,” Spencer clears his throat. “Those stopped once I had Garcia send me a list of Army Rangers that returned home. I told her that I knew someone from high school that I couldn’t get a hold of. When she got me the list, you were the first one on it, so I didn't have to worry long,” He glances over and gives Luke a small smile. “I’ve never been so grateful that your last name starts with an ‘a’.”

“You made sure I made it home?” Luke croaks out, his eyes glossy. 

“Of course I did,” Spencer murmurs. “I needed to know that even if you weren’t in my life anymore, you were still out there,”

“Spencer,” Luke whispers and then he’s wrapped around Spencer again, holding onto him tightly. 

“The worst dreams were of you finding out about the Dilaudid,” He says and he feels Luke tense up against him. “I actually, uh,” Spencer clears his throat against the tears building. “I had a hallucination the last time I got high,” Luke’s hold tightens again. “It was of you, and you were so disgusted with me,” Spencer smooths his hand over the duvet, his hands shaking. “It’s, um, what got me to stop,” He squeezes his eyes shut. “I couldn’t risk seeing you like that again,”

“Cariño,” Luke murmurs, and Spencer reluctantly opens his eyes. Luke is hovering above him, reaching out to wipe at his tears. “I could never be disgusted by you,”

Spencer wants to tell him that he knows that, but he remembers the nightmare he had just days ago before he told Luke. “I know that now,” is what he ends up saying because he does know now , only after he had told Luke everything could his fears dampen. 

“I’ve always slept well beside you too,” Luke admits, clearly trying to take Spencer’s mind off everything. Spencer leans into his touch as Luke smiles. “Even if there’s a dog taking up most of my leg room,” Spencer lets out a watery laugh. “I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to sleep beside me. I was worried that after prison…”

“I’m okay,” Spencer says, and he truly feels that he is telling the truth. He’s not trying to placate Luke, he really is okay. 

“You’d tell me if you weren’t, right?” Luke asks, his voice tinged with worry. 

Spencer nods. “Promise,”

Luke smiles before leaning in to press a brief kiss to Spencer’s lips. “Good morning, cariño,”

“Good morning,” 

And it is.

---

Spencer is in the middle of his lunch when he gets a call from Luke. He’s quick to answer it, surprised Luke can talk this early in the day. 

“Hey,”

“Hey, cariño,” There's chatter in the background that seems to stop when Luke says this. “Guess who’s on their way back home?”

“Wait, really?” This time the team has been gone for almost a week and Spencer has really started to feel it. He feels better after the conversation he and Luke had when Luke got back from the last case, but now it’s the longest they’ve been away from each other since Spencer was in prison and it’s starting to get to him. 

“Yep, at the tarmac now,”

“Wait, you’re with the team?” Spencer asks, and Luke hums in affirmation. “And you’re calling me?”

“I wanted to hear your voice when I told you,” Luke murmurs. Then, as if to prove he’s being smart he adds, “Cariño,”

“You’re playing a risky game there, Agent Alvez,”

“I sure am, but it was worth it to hear your voice,” Luke replies, and Spencer’s heart flutters. “You free tonight?”

“No, I’m not,” Spencer says, smirking to himself. “My boyfriend is coming back from a case and I promised him I’d make him dinner since he’s been gone so long,”

“Oh, you promised?”

“Didn’t I mention that?”

“I think I would remember that, though I’m sure there are no complaints from said boyfriend,”

“Come over when you get home?”

“I’ll see you then, cariño,”

—-

Luke shows up to Spencer’s house freshly showered and Spencer holds onto him longer than is most likely appropriate, but Luke doesn’t make any move to let him go either. 

“I’ve missed you,” He murmurs into Luke’s still-damp curls. 

“I’ve missed you too,” Luke whispers, his lips pressing into Spencer’s shoulders. “Mmm, you’re so warm,”

Spencer lets out a breathy laugh, finally moving away from Luke’s embrace. “You hungry?”

Luke nods. “But slightly worried. You said you were going to cook…?”

Spencer huffs and shoves at Luke’s arm as his boyfriend laughs. “I’m not that bad at cooking, I just don’t like it,”

“Sure, sure,” Luke smirks at him. “Let’s see what you made, Chef Reid,”

---

After dinner, Spencer all but drags Luke over to the couch. Luke easily collapses onto it and Spencer finds himself crowding Luke in moments. 

“Wow,” Luke mumbles, his hands gripping at Spencer’s biceps. “Didn’t realize you missed me so much,”

“You were gone for a week,” Spencer murmurs as he tucks himself under Luke’s arm. “It’s the longest we’ve been apart since I was-” He cuts himself off with a sharp breath. “I just missed you,” He looks up at Luke, his eyes swimming with vulnerability. “I hope that doesn’t freak you out,”

“Freak me out?” Luke huffs out a laugh and shifts so it’s easier for him to hold onto Spencer. “Cariño, I missed you just as much, I can promise you that,”

“Yeah?” Spencer asks, eyes wide. 

Luke nods. “I can’t wait for your 30 days to be done so you’re back in the field,” His hand runs up Spencer’s arm, causing Spencer to shiver. “Even if I can’t touch you around the team,”

Spencer hums and shifts so he’s hovering above Luke’s face. “You can touch me now,”

Luke’s eyebrows lift up in surprise. “Oh, can I?”

“I’d really prefer if you did,”

“You know, some would say that I’m already touching you, Dr. Reid,”

Spencer smirks and leans closer, his lips now millimeters away from Luke’s. “You could touch me more,” 

“Could I?”

“Please,” Spencer breathes out just before Luke’s lips crash into his. He lets out a moan and pulls Luke closer. 

Soon, they find themselves lying flat on the couch, Spencer on top of Luke as they continue to kiss and nip at each other, and Spencer feels weightless as Luke clutches onto his hips as if he’ll disappear if he lets go. 

“Spencer,” Luke groans out as Spencer’s lips drag from his jaw to his ear. Spencer nibbles at Luke’s earlobe, just as he knows Luke likes. “Spencer, we’re going to have to slow down pretty soon,”

Spencer pauses in his ministrations and stares down at his boyfriend. Luke has his eyes screwed shut as if he’s concentrating very hard on remaining calm as Spencer continues to touch him. That look, accompanied by Luke’s words, spurs him on. 

“Hey, Luke?” Spencer murmurs, his lips trailing down Luke’s jaw. 

“Yeah?”

“You wanna take this to my room?”

The question hangs in the air and Luke stills underneath him, causing Spencer to stop and sit up. He doesn’t move from his position, still straddling Luke’s hips. 

“Spencer?” Luke asks, eyebrows furrowing. “Are you…?”

“I’m ready,” Spencer whispers, his hand dragging down Luke’s chest. “I want you,”

Luke takes in a sharp breath. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive,” Spencer says with a smile as he leans back over to place a soft kiss to Luke’s lips. “You make me feel safe, Luke,”

“Cariño,” Luke breathes out, his hands tightening on Spencer’s waist. “I love you so much,”

“I love you,” Spencer finally lifts off Luke, standing up from the couch. He reaches down and offers a hand to Luke who takes it eagerly. He then tugs him into his bedroom and collapses onto the bed. 

“Spencer-“

“I swear I’m okay, Luke,” Spencer smiles. “And I promise to tell you if that changes,” Luke tentatively climbs onto the bed, hovering over Spencer cautiously. “Luke, I trust you,” Spencer’s hand winds into his hair and he tugs him closer. “I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone,”

Luke allows Spencer to lead him in a slow kiss, but soon, the two of them find the passion they had been building to in the living room. Luke is less hesitant, his hands roaming over Spencer’s body easily as he presses him into the mattress. 

And that’s how Spencer loses himself in Luke, allows himself to get lost in the pleasure and the feel of Luke’s skin on his, just as he did in a hotel room in New York over a decade ago. Except now they aren’t waiting for their time to be up. 

They have all the time in the world, and they take it. 

Afterward, Spencer finds himself draped across Luke’s body as they both come down from the high. Luke’s hand is absentmindedly running through Spencer’s hair as Spencer runs a finger along Luke’s chest. 

“Hey, Luke?”

“Mmm?”

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,”

And because he’s Luke he says, “Wow, I rocked your world that much?” Spencer moves to glare at him but when they lock eyes, Luke’s expression is tender. “Did you know that I had resigned myself to a life alone after we broke up?” Spencer frowns and opens his mouth but Luke stops him by continuing. “I tried dating, but every date I went on just felt wrong. So eventually, I gave up,” He sighs. “I was perfectly content to live my life alone, but then I saw you again and I knew, deep down, that you were still it for me,”

“I’m sorry,” Spencer murmurs, and Luke’s thumb brushes under his cheekbone, swiping away a lone tear. 

“I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad, cariño,” Luke leans in and kisses Spencer’s nose. 

“What exactly are you telling me?” He asks nervously. He suddenly has a jolt of anxiety as he thinks of the absolute worst-case scenario: Luke doing all of this for revenge, a last-ditch effort to make himself feel better about everything by getting Spencer to trust him again just to rip his heart out, just as Spencer did to him. 

The thought makes bile rise in Spencer’s throat. 

“What I’m trying to say is that I was right. I never would have been happy, not like this, with anyone but you,” Luke’s words soothe Spencer’s heart like a balm, his outlandish theory disappearing from his head as Luke continues to caress his cheek. “This is the happiest I’ve ever been, cariño,” Spencer lets out a shuddering breath and tries not to cry. “There’s no time limit hanging over us, or secrets between us, or broken feet underneath us-“ Spencer lets out a watery laugh. “And it’s perfect,”

“It is,” Spencer murmurs, his eyes fluttering closed. 

“And I can say that it was all worth it for me,”

Spencer’s eyes snap open. “What?”

“I’d do it all again if it meant I ended up right here,”

“Luke, what about all the pain I caused you?”

“Spence, the only thing I wouldn’t be able to bear again is you being kidnapped, but the rest…I’d do it again in a heartbeat,”

Spencer lets out a disbelieving laugh. “You’re crazy,”

“No, I’m happy,” Luke smiles. “So, so, happy,” He places a kiss on Spencer's jaw. “Because you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,”

Spencer falls asleep that night with a smile on his face. 

—-

The first 30-day mandatory break goes off without a hitch, but he is beyond ready to be back by the time the 30 days are up. 

His first case back is brutal, but he’s thrilled to be back with the team, back with Luke. 

---

He’s on his 37th day back in the field when it happens. 

The team had split up, just as they always did. Spencer had been paired with Rossi and Tara to search the unsub’s house, but they had come up empty. By the time they got hold of the others, they had already subdued the unsub. 

“Yeah, alright, sounds good,” Rossi says into the phone as Tara and Spencer get into the SUV. “Keep an eye on Alvez,” he says, and then he hangs up the phone. 

“Keep an eye on Luke?” Spencer asks from the backseat. “Why?”

Rossi turns on the ignition and he starts making his way towards where the rest of the team apprehended the unsub. “Kid got knocked out by the unsub,” 

“What?” Spencer croaks out. “Is he okay?”

“Yeah, he’s fine,” Rossi says, as though it’s nothing. As if Luke didn’t get hurt. 

The rest of the drive goes by too slowly for Spencer, but he at least has the privacy of the backseat. His hands are shaking by the time Rossi pulls up to the crime scene. He hasn’t even parked the car before Spencer launches himself out of the car and makes a beeline to the ambulance where he sees Luke sitting. 

“Luke!” Spencer explains, running past his teammates to stop directly in front of Luke who is sitting with his legs hanging out of the ambulance. 

“Spence, hey,” Luke winces and adjusts his ice pack on his eye. “You got here quick,”

"Yeah, not quick enough," Spencer huffs. “Emily told Rossi you got knocked out,” He crouches down to look at Luke’s face, but he doesn’t get the best look. 

Luke frowns. “Yeah, not my proudest moment,” 

“Are you okay?” Spencer asks and then he’s prying Luke’s arm away from his eye to look at it. Spencer frowns at the dark bruise forming before releasing Luke’s arm, allowing him to place the ice back on his eye. He places his hands on Luke’s shoulders as he continues to assess Luke’s injuries.

“Yeah, I’m fine. He just got the jump on me,” Spencer continues to frown at him, his hands still on Luke’s shoulders, and then Luke offers him a small smile. “Reid,” He says the name slowly and Spencer immediately knows why. He takes his hands off Luke immediately. “I’m okay,”

Spencer feels himself flush as he realizes that their coworkers are watching them. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Luke says softly. He then kicks his leg out to nudge Spencer’s shin. “Nice to know you care so much about me though, Dr. Reid,”

Spencer huffs out a laugh and runs a hand through his hair. “You’re ridiculous,”

“Hey, Spence? Am I winking at you right now? I can’t tell,”

“Thank you for proving my point,”

—-

Penelope knows. 

Penelope finds out about them, and while she promises to keep a secret, he knows it’s only a matter of time before she blabs. 

But the thing is, he doesn’t really care. 

“You sure you’re okay?” They’re in Luke’s car on the way to Quantico. Garcia’s car is visible in the distance, having left just a few minutes before they did from the restaurant. 

“Yeah,” Spencer breathes out. “I’m fine,”

“Because we don’t have to tell them yet-“

“No, I’m ready to tell them,” Spencer says, looking over to see Luke glancing at him as much as he can without crashing the car. “Unless you-“

“No, no, I’m ready,” Luke smiles. He then takes his hand off the steering wheel and props it on the center console. Spencer takes the cue and grabs Luke’s hand. “I’m ready for us to not be a secret anymore,”

—-

Spencer has to call Garcia for the case, and after she gives him the information on the victims he needs, she lets out a noise that he can’t identify. 

“Garcia?”

“So, you and Newbie?”

“Goodbye, Garcia,”

“Wait, Spencer!” He sighs and doesn’t hang up at the sound of desperation in her voice. “I’m sorry, I’m just still in shock! And I can’t even talk about it with anyone,”

Spencer looks around at the team, most of them huddled around the map on the board. He catches Luke’s eyes and Luke raises an eyebrow, clearly realizing that he shouldn’t still be on the phone with Garcia. 

“You can talk to Morgan about it,”

“Morgan?" She gasps out. "As in Derek Morgan?” She exclaims. “He knows?”

“Goodbye, Garcia,”

This time he does hang up. 

—-

How long has Derek known???????

Okay, I just called Derek because obviously I did, and now I’m very disappointed because what do you mean you guys had a double date with Derek and Savannah?? 

That’s literally so cute and I can’t believe that I’m admitting that you and Newbie are a cute couple (it’s 90% you, 10% him…maybe even 95% you), but you are!!

Ugh, I can’t believe I didn’t know this. Does anybody else know?? 

I’m going to take your silence as you are hard at work, not that you’re ignoring me. 

I could text Luke…

Nah, I’d rather talk to the void that is your phone than talk to Luke. 

Jk, but you know that right?

I don’t ACTUALLY hate him. It’s just fun to mess with him. 

But I can stop if it upsets you. 

Because I love you and I’m happy for you even if you have questionable taste in men. 

I’m KIDDING! I know you could do a lot worse than Luke, but still, he’s the lucky one in this situation. He better know that. 

Next time I see him, I’m going to make sure that he knows if he ever hurts you, I’ll kill him. 

—

The two of them hadn’t exactly discussed how they would tell the team, but in the end, Spencer felt like it made the most sense for him to be the one to say it. And if he just so chose to make the announcement more entertaining for him and Luke, so be it. 

“Did you know that 44% of Americans have reported to have gotten back together with an ex?”

Spencer tries to bite back his smirk as he catches Luke’s eye. Luke is grinning behind his hand, clearly trying not to laugh. The rest of the team, even Garcia, is looking at him in confusion. 

“Okay…?” Rossi trails off. 

“I am now a part of that statistic,” Spencer says before taking a seat beside Luke. He moves his foot to nudge Luke’s and Luke nudges him right back. 

“I’m sorry, what?” Emily asks, eyes wide

“What ex?” JJ pipes up, clearly trying to put the pieces together. 

“Maybe you should be paying more attention to why he’s telling us in such a big way,” Penelope murmurs behind her cup of coffee. Tara gives her a look and she simply says, “What? I didn’t say anything,”

“Why are you bringing attention to it? You’re never one to share much about your personal life,” Rossi points out. 

“Well, we can’t all be so open about our three ex-wives,” Emily teases.

“Okay, not about me right now. We’re talking about the kid,”

Luke reaches over and places a hand on Spencer’s knee, effectively stopping it from anxiously bouncing. Spencer sends him a grateful look before turning back to the team. Then he sees the exact moment that JJ catches sight of the hand on his leg. 

“Oh my god,”

“What?” Matt asks, bringing everyone’s attention to JJ. 

“I can’t believe it,” She says, letting out a small laugh. “Wait, but you said ‘ex’,” JJ says, eyebrows furrowing together. “As in, someone you dated before,”

“Yes,”

“When the hell did you two ever date?” She asks as she crosses her arms over her chest. She looks between the two of them as she leans back in her chair, completely ignoring the rest of the team who are still confused. 

“Who are we talking about?” Emily asks, and Spencer decides to put them out of their misery.

“I met Luke in a library in 2006,”

“2006?!” Penelope exclaims. 

“Wait, Luke?” Emily starts, her gaze shifting to Luke. “Like this Luke?”

“Yeah,” Luke pipes up, clearing his throat. 

“Holy shit,” Rossi mutters as he looks between the two of them.

“Wait, Garcia, why do you only seem surprised at the year they met?” Matt asks. 

“Oh, I caught them on a date when I had to track them down for the last case,”

“And you kept it a secret that long? Good for you,” JJ praises, but Garcia glares at her. Spencer laughs.

“I can keep a secret!” She scoffs. “I knew they were dating but I didn’t know they had dated before ,” She stares at them with wide eyes. “How did this happen? How did we not know?”

“I was on leave from the army after I broke my foot and I was visiting my sister here in town,” The entire team was watching them with surprise, even Matt who had just joined the team. “We dated for a few months as my foot healed, but then I went back,”

“We did long distance until we, um, didn’t,” Spencer says, ducking his head. Here’s the part he’s been dreading. Luke clearly senses his unease because he reaches out and takes his hand that rests on the table. It’s strange to be able to hold hands in front of the team, but it’s nice.

“What does that mean?” JJ asks. 

“Luke and I were dating at the time I was kidnapped by Tobias Hankel,” Most everyone realized what that meant, though Matt looked confused. Matt doesn’t question it, but Spencer explains anyways, “I was kidnapped by an unsub and it did a number on me,”

“Spence…” JJ murmurs from beside him. “Don’t tell me you…” He looks over and he can see the sadness in her eyes.

“Broke up with Luke because of what happened? Yeah, I did,” Spencer frowns, and Luke squeezes his hand. “We didn’t talk until Luke started working here,”

“That’s why you were so weird when I told you his name,” Garcia exclaims, eyes wide. “Because you already knew Luke Alvez!”

“I was hoping to be done with the BAU by the time Spencer came back from vacation, but obviously that changed,”

“You didn’t want to see him?” Emily questions and Luke shakes his head, a frown on his face. 

“I was still upset,”

“Rightfully so,” Spencer chimes in. Luke squeezes his hand again. 

“Why were you upset?”

“Because I didn’t tell him what happened. I just broke up with him and didn’t give him any answers,” Spencer shifts uncomfortably as the room falls silent. ”He was scheduled to come home for good two months after I was kidnapped. I was struggling and I didn’t want him to see me like that,” Spencer looks down at their hands and takes a deep breath.

“But you two are fine now?” Emily asks, gesturing between them. She looks concerned, and Spencer can’t say he blames her. Not only is she friends with both of them, but she’s their unit chief. 

“More than fine,” Luke reassures with a smile. “I let go of my grudge right before Spencer went to prison, then when we were put on leave, he told me the truth about why he broke up with me. We reconciled, and now here we are,”

“Wait, so you’ve been dating since then?” JJ asks. 

“Yes,” Spencer replies. “It’s been 5 months, 2 weeks, and 13 days since we got back together,”

Rossi lets out a whistle and JJ’s eyes widen. “And you’ve kept it a secret this whole time?”

“Well, technically, I’ve kept the secret for over ten years, so I guess it wasn’t that difficult,”

“I want it known, just for the record,” Tara pipes up. “That I knew that you two had something going on,” She smirks at Luke. “I was even a little disappointed when I found out that you were dating someone,” She laughs. “Guess there was no need for that,”

“Everything makes so much sense,” Matt says thoughtfully. “Like when Luke was knocked out on that case a few weeks back and Spencer was so worried,”

“I would like to protest that and say I would be concerned if that had happened to any of you,” Spencer argues.

“But it’s different because you two are in love,” Garcia coos, placing her elbow on the table and then holding her head up to gaze at them. “It’s so cute,” Her eyes then widen and she looks over at Emily with a frightened expression. “They can both still work on the team, right?”

It’s a question that Spencer had spent a lot of time researching, just in case. It seems as though Luke didn’t think about it as he looks over at Spencer with a panicked expression. Thankfully, Emily puts him at ease quickly. 

“They’re fine to date since they both hold the same position. There’s no power imbalance,” She looks over at them. “I will have to split you up in the field, but that’s only to protect you both from the brass,”

“We understand,” Luke says and Spencer nods in agreement. 

“And we will keep everything professional at work,” Spencer adds.

Emily smiles. “I have no doubt of that, considering you’ve been dating for 5 months and none of us knew,”

“5 months, 2 weeks, and 13 days,” Spencer corrects and he can feel Luke grinning at him. 

“How the hell did we miss that they’ve been dating? I mean look at them,”

“Maybe you guys should be better profilers,” Spencer quips. 

Luke’s laugh is the loudest and it fills him with warmth. 

----

Spencer feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulder now as they board the jet for their newest case. He can sit by Luke and not worry about being too overt, he can touch Luke if he wants to, he can smile at him brightly and not worried about being profiled.

They don’t have to hide. 

But something is still off. 

They’re halfway to their destination when he realizes exactly what it is. 

They have already gone over the case, but it’s a long flight, and the team is made up of curious people, so Spencer isn’t surprised that the two of them are being interrogated. Penelope’s even still on her call to join in. 

“Wait, wait, don’t dogs hate Reid?” Emily points out. 

“Oh my god, you’re right!” Penelope pipes up. “Does Roxy hate him?”

“No,” Luke laughs. “Roxy loves him, just like I told him she would,” He says this and glances at Spencer. Spencer merely rolls her eyes. 

“Aww,” Penelope coos, but then her expression darkens. “Hey, Boy Wonder, I’m still mad at you,”

“Why’s that?” Spencer asks. 

“Because Derek knows!”

“Wait, Morgan knows?” JJ asks, her tone softer than the others. 

“I needed someone to talk to,” Spencer shrugs. “I told him after Luke came back,”

It’s then that he notices it. 

JJ stands up quickly and excuses herself to go grab some coffee from the drink station at the front of the jet. Spencer watches her carefully for a moment before he turns to Luke. “You want a coffee?”

“No, I’m good,”

He’s grateful that the others don’t say anything as he stands and makes his way over to JJ. All they do is continue to throw questions at Luke as if Spencer is still there. He appreciates it because he knows he needs to talk to JJ. 

“Hey,” JJ jumps and turns around. 

“Hi,”

“Are you, uh, okay?”

“Yeah,” JJ says, a broad smile appearing immediately on her face. “I’m great,” She rips open a packet of sugar and dumps it into her coffee. She begins to stir the sugar around her cup. “Are you sure?” Her hand stills. She slowly looks up at him and his heart aches to find that her eyes are swimming with tears. “JJ,”

“Spencer, I know it’s been ten years since Hankel, but I-” She shakes her head. “I’m still really hard on myself about what happened,”

“JJ, I told us to split up-”

“I know, but I still feel so guilty,” She sniffles. “You nearly-” She cuts herself off with a shake of a head. “And then to find out that you were struggling so much afterward that you broke up with Luke,” She wipes at her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Spencer,”

“Hey,” Spencer says, placing a hand on her shoulder. “JJ, I made my own choices, nobody else,”

“But Spence-”

“You aren’t at fault for what happened with Hankel, or what happened after,” He whispers. “I’ve never once blamed you,” 

“Well, maybe you should,” She lets out a bitter laugh and Spencer frowns. 

“Jennifer,” He says firmly. “Please don’t blame yourself for this, especially because it’s water under the bridge at this point,” He says, and he’s comforted to know that it’s true. “Luke and I are stronger than we’ve ever been,”

“I am really happy for you guys,”

“Thank you,” Spencer smiles. “It’s taken us a long time to get here, but I’ve taken full responsibility for everything that happened back then. I didn’t handle anything the way I should have, and I dealt with the consequences,”

JJ wipes her tears again as she nods. “Okay,”

“I mean it, JJ,” Spencer says, catching her eye. “Please don’t beat yourself up over this,”

“Okay,” She murmurs. 

“Come here,” He murmurs, opening his arms. She hugs him tightly and he presses a kiss to her hair. “Luke told me you showed him pictures of Henry dressed up like me,”

JJ pulls back with a sniff. “Oh man, if I would have known about your past, I would have told him so many embarrassing things about you,” She laughs. “But I guess there’s time now,”

“Embarrassing things?” He asks as they turn to go back to the group. 

She smirks at him before turning to Luke. “Hey, Luke, have you heard about the time that Spencer and Morgan got stuck in an elevator for less than a minute and cried for Hotch like babies?”

“You weren’t even there!” Spencer exclaims as he collapses back into his seat beside Luke. Luke and the rest of the team begin to laugh and Spencer huffs. “There are 6 elevator-related deaths each year, and don’t forget there are 10,000 injuries that require hospitalization!” The team continues to laugh and Spencer pouts as he turns to Luke. “It was definitely longer than a minute. You can ask Morgan!”

“Sure thing, cariño,” Luke grins, kissing his cheek. 

---

How did things go so wrong so quickly?

Seeing Penelope in a car with a gun pointed at her as Meadows demands he release Merva is something that will haunt him in his dreams. Penelope screams at him to shoot Meadows, but he can’t, not when there’s a gun trained on her. 

They force him to go to the sixth floor to get Merva, and while he’s panicking, he’s calm enough to look at the camera and know Luke will watch this. So, he begins to fingerspell in ASL what he needs to for the team to understand what is going on. 

Luke will see this. He knows Luke will need to see him. 

He gets to see Garcia, and he tells them what he figured out. He tells her that he’s going to be their last victim. Number 300. 

They force Garcia to do their bidding, pointing a gun at him to ensure she does. He needs to get her out of here. He needs to make sure she doesn’t become collateral damage in their plan. They’ve already planned to kill him, but he can get her out. 

She can make it out. 

“Tell Luke that I wish I could have a future with him,” He whispers, and then he’s being dragged away from her, but not before he can murmur “It’s all happening. Ten twenty three,”

---

Garcia gets out and he can die knowing he saved her. 

Because he is going to die, that’s becoming more and more clear. 

He hopes that Luke can move on. Luke deserves to be happy. 

---

His life comes in flashes as he walks around the Believers’ new base camp. He thinks of starting at the BAU, he thinks of meeting everyone on the team, he thinks of meeting his godson. 

He thinks of Luke. 

He hopes Luke won’t have to see his body, but he knows that he will. He hopes it won’t destroy Luke. 

They strap him to a board and he finally gives up hope as he stares at the hyoid bones dangling in front of him, Merva’s knife to his throat. 

But then there’s a gunshot and he sees the words FBI on vests before he sees Emily, and Matt, and then there’s Luke, rushing towards him. 

Merva tries to lunge for Spencer, knife too close to Spencer’s skin, but then Luke is shouting and gunshots ring out and Merva is down. Emily is there in an instant, checking on Merva’s pulse while Luke hurriedly rips the straps from Spencer’s body. 

He collapses into Luke’s embrace as soon as he’s off the board 

“We found you,” Luke says. “You’re here, you’re okay,” He lets out a sob into Luke’s shoulder and he only looks up from the comfort of Luke’s hold when he hears handcuffs clicking onto the people who were about to sacrifice him. 

He makes sure to make eye contact with Meadows as she’s led away.

“Are you alright?” Luke asks. He cups Spencer’s face in his hands and he can see Luke’s eyes assessing every inch of his skin, taking in every bruise. 

“I am now,” Spencer breathes out just before JJ launches herself at him in a tight hug. 

“You’re okay,” She murmurs, just as Luke had. “We found you,” He pulls back and she wipes at the tears streaming down his face. “Now we can go home,”

“Spencer needs to get checked out first,” Luke says firmly as he wraps an arm around Spencer. They duck under the hundreds of hyoid bones and he feels Spencer gag beside him. He holds him up. 

“I’m fine,”

“Spence, you have a ton of bruises,” Luke says. “You aren’t getting on the jet until you’ve been checked out,”

---

He does eventually get to the jet, and though his entire body hurts, he’s alive . 

Luke hasn’t taken his hands off him this whole time, and he’s glad for it. It’s grounding, to feel Luke’s touch. 

The team allows him to pick his spot first, and when he goes for the couch, pulling Luke down with him, nobody says anything. 

He falls asleep before they even take off.

---

When they make it to Quantico, Luke tries to lead Spencer to his car, but Spencer needs to see Garcia. He needs to know she’s okay. 

And she is, and he gets to hold her because he’s alive.

---

He’s grateful when he hears Luke calling his sister to let her know that he is staying at Spencer’s tonight. He doesn’t go into any details, all he says is that he needs to be with Spencer right now. 

And Spencer is so relieved that he doesn’t have to go back to his apartment alone. 

He remembers having to go home alone after Tobias Hankel, and he knows that it contributed to him losing it. 

Luke won’t let him lose it now. 

---

The morning after almost being sacrificed by a religious cult, Spencer Reid wakes up with a smile on his face. His body aches from his injuries, his eyes sting from the tears he’s cried, and he’s exhausted despite a good night’s sleep, but he’s smiling. 

And the reason why is smiling back at him. 

“Good morning,” Spencer murmurs, his hand trailing down Luke’s arm. 

“How are you?” Luke asks immediately, his eyes scanning over Spencer. “Your bruises look worse,” He winces. “I should have put the ointment on the bedside table before we went to sleep,” He shifts to sit up and Spencer just blinks at him. “Do you take normal pain meds? I heard you tell the paramedics last night that you didn’t want narcotics,” Luke runs a hand over his face. “Or do you need ice? I can get you ice-”

“Luke,”

“Yeah?”

“The only thing I need right now is to lay in bed with my fiancé,” Spencer smiles and watches as Luke’s expression goes from worry to shock to something tender and vulnerable. 

“Oh,” 

Spencer opens his arms and Luke glances at the door once before he settles into Spencer’s embrace. “See? I’m already much better,” Luke snorts and turns in Spencer’s arm to press his nose into Spencer’s neck. He takes a deep breath and kisses Spencer’s skin. 

“Fiancé,” Luke murmurs. “It sounds nice,” He pulls back and shakes his head. “Better than nice. Perfect,”

“I love you,”

“I love you too, cariño,” Luke smiles. “And I can’t wait to marry you,”

Spencer’s face hurts from how widely he smiles at that. “Me neither,”

“I have a ring for you,”

“What?” Spencer breathes out. “How do you already have a ring?”

Luke stares at him for a moment, a blush rising up on his cheeks. “I may have gone with Maria and Luce to pick one out not long after we told the team,”

Spencer’s eyes widen and he feels them burn as tears begin to form. “Really?”

“I’ve known for a long time that you’re it for me, Spencer Reid,” 

“That’s Dr. Spencer Reid to you,” 

Luke’s head falls back with a laugh. “My apologies, doctor,”

Spencer smiles brightly at him. “So, when were you going to propose? Did I ruin it by almost becoming a sacrifice to a religious cult?”

Luke glowers at him. “Too soon, Spence,”

Spencer winces. “Right, sorry,”

“But to answer your question, I hadn’t gotten that far,” Luke admits. “I wasn’t in any rush, and I wanted it to be perfect,” Luke winces. “And then I go and propose without even having a ring,”

“It was perfect,” Spencer reassures. “And I don’t need a ring. Just you,”

“Yeah, well, you’re getting a ring,” Luke says and Spencer chuckles. 

They lay there in silence for a few moments, and Spencer’s head is throbbing and his muscles are aching, but he can’t bring himself to move from his spot. He’s nestled into Luke’s side and Luke is running his hand up and down Spencer’s arm, and everything is so perfect that Spencer wants to cry.  

“I never thought I’d be this happy,” He whispers into the space between them. Luke adjusts slightly to be able to look Spencer in the eye. “But you changed everything, Luke,” Spencer blinks up at Luke with watery eyes. “Thank you for giving me the second chance that I didn’t deserve,”

Luke’s thumb gently brushes away the tear that escapes Spencer’s eye. “Thank you for giving me your trust,” He places a soft kiss to the bruise under Spencer’s eye. 

“I wish I could go back in time and show myself this exact moment,” Spencer murmurs, hands splayed across Luke’s chest. “I wish I could’ve known that you would forgive me, that you would still want to love me,”

“I want to love you for the rest of our lives, Spencer,” Luke kisses the tip of his nose. 

“How did I get so lucky?” He muses and Luke smiles softly at him. 

“I think I’m the lucky one,”

“Don’t start that argument or we’ll be here all day,” Spencer teases, and Luke grins. 

“I’m perfectly content with staying in bed with you all day, so don’t threaten me with a good time,”

Spencer rolls his eyes, but his smile is still tugging at his lips. “You’re ridiculous,”

“And yet, you agreed to marry me,” Luke points out before sticking out his tongue, causing Spencer to laugh. “Can’t get rid of me now, Reid,”

“I wouldn’t want to,” Spencer leans in to press his smile to Luke’s. “You’re mine forever, Luke Alvez,”

“And you’re mine, cariño,”