Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Till has always dreamed of far off places. Sky-like walls and strange red flowers that left you numb to the feeling of eyes on your back. People with faces and names left just out of reach, just close enough to cling to for a moment, gone when he wakes. Since he was young, Till had desperately recorded every peice of this strange world. He’d once tried to speak to his parents about it, but their only response was to compliment his new-found creativity. His mother had even suggested he become a writer.

One day, his elementary school art teacher mentioned an art competition. Till had begged his parents to cough up the admission fee the second he got home. He knew he’d lived this life of dreams and he knew that others must have as well. His eight-year old hands shook as he finally put down the almost entirely used up pastel, his skill beyond his years. That year he turned in a peice of art depicting the faces he remembered. And so he did for every year afterwards.

Maybe, even in spite of the faces never being quite right, maybe one of those depicted would see, would come find him.

The first person from his dreams he met came in 7th grade. His father had insisted he take some kind of music class. The thought of being in any kind of music competition made his stomach turn, even if he wasn’t fully sure why yet. So when he heard that his school’s choir didn’t compete against other schools he jumped at the opportunity to join.

That summer he practiced relentlessly, though singing was more like discovering muscle memory than creating it. His father boasted to colleagues about Till, a natural born talent. His mother helped him put together his uniform. She was insistent that for a try-out he must look well put together. The try-outs were two weeks before the start of school, all new faces as the district lumped together various different elementaries.

But one face stood out. She walked onto stage with pink dyed hair and brown roots, eyes a soft amber instead of the bright yellow he saw in his dreams yet still unmistakeable. She sings something familiar yet unplaceable, it sounds as if it was meant to be a duet. Till finds himself so struck with the performance that he nearly misses when his name is called to go on stage next. He scrambles to reach the stage and sings the song he’d composed before, now desperate to succeed, to see that familiar face again.

“Hi, my name is Mizi, you were great up there!” The girl, Mizi he now knows, says to him once try-outs have concluded. He almost forgets how to speak for a moment, however he manages to respond. 

“I’m Till, you did great too.”

She beams at him, reaching out to shake his hand. An electricity courses through him as he takes it, something finally sliding into place. “Have we met before?” She asks with a look of recognition in her eyes. She reaches for her neck in a way that almost looks absentminded and Till does the same.

“I think we have”

---

Mizi remembers in a different way from Till. Till remembers things as he ages, each new birthday bringing a flood of new memories of that same age in his past life. Mizi remembers snippets. The first thing she remembered was singing on stage with someone else, raven haired and violet eyed. From there other things filled in the gaps--and with the two of them together they pieced together most of their strange childhood. Neither of them could figure out quite why the thought of competing in music left them with such nausea, but there was solace in the fact that they both felt the same.

When they reached highschool and were offered to join show choir instead of the one they were in, they both resolutely refused.

Sua was the second peice to fall into place. Mizi had seen her sitting alone at lunch one day in the middle of the school year. When Mizi dragged him along he didn’t resist, and when he saw her face he knew he’d found someone again.

They sat with her that day, and all the days after that. They learned she was a student transferring from a different school, that her name was Sua, and--with some subtle probing--that she didn’t remember a thing. Mizi had cried to him that night over the phone and he had done his best to comfort her. 

Sua’s family was relatively well off in comparison to the rest of their little group. This fact showed most in the little gifts she would get for Mizi. Sua always looked at Till with a stern look, especially when he got too close to Mizi. Till supposes some things just don't ever change, memories or no.

It was only a surprise to Till, apparently, when Sua and Mizi finally got together in their second year. Till carefully plastered a happy smile onto his face and told them congratulations before finding the next nearest excuse to get away from them for the rest of the day. The next class period was spent with silent tears in a bathroom stall--something he’d surely get in trouble for later. Even still, there was a slight comfort in their relationship development. In spite of Till’s own feelings for Mizi, things had slid into place just as they always should’ve.

And so things kept turning up, back in place. They soon met their seniors Hyuna, Hyun-Woo, and Luka. Hyuna took to the bunch of them like an older sister, always dragging them into trouble and out of it again. Both Mizi and Till agreed that they didn’t like Luka much, though just like the rest he remembered nothing and so it was decided to just avoid him instead of probing him for why they instinctively hated him so much. Perhaps the answer would one day reveal itself, though even if it did they had no reason to blame the Luka of now for their past lives.

And so that’s how things went through their Highschool life, Mizi, Sua, and Till, always together.

“My cousin’s going to the same school you two applied for,” Sua states one day at lunch. Mizi and Till had decided that they would go to the same college, unable to bear the thought of being separated again. Sua had to apply to a different school for her future plans, but she was compromising by moving in with Mizi, the two of them being ‘roommates.’ Hyuna, who they’d kept in contact with after her graduation, had cackled at the word and gone on for a little bit about how ‘history would call them roommates.’ Mizi had found it funny and picked up on the joke herself as well.

“Oh, he is?” Till said, looking up from his food.

“Thats cool! What year is he in?” Mizi chimed in.

“Next year will be his second year” Sua says before putting a peice of fruit in her mouth. “I’ll ask him to show you around” she pointedly looks at Till “wouldn't want anyone getting lost”

“Hey!”

---

Till looks down at his phone, the text chain hes in being labeled ‘Sua’s Cousin’--he hadn’t bothered to get his name--waiting for the message telling him that his and Mizi’s tour guide was here.

“Has he responded yet?”

“Not yet- wait he’s typing right now” Till watches the little bubbles bob up and down before a message spawns on the screen. 

Pink and grey, right?

Till types a response.

yeah

Look behind you.

Till looks up from his phone and stares around the common-room they are sat in and locks eyes with-

“Ivan” Till says breathlessly, causing Mizi to look over. A bright smile crosses her face and she stands up to greet him.

“Hi, Ivan, you’re Sua’s cousin right? I’m Mizi and this is-”

“Till” Ivan says, eyes wide and intense, locked onto Till in a way that almost makes Till squirm. Mizi looks between the two of them for a moment before reaching up to her neck, like reaching for a collar that should be there.

Ivan does the same after a moment, rubbing at the side of his neck in a way that would almost look nervous to an outside observer.

“You remember” Till says, suddenly feeling sick to his stomach in an indescribable way. All he needs is a nod for confirmation.

While Ivan leads them around campus, they discuss their past lives. They find out that Ivan remembers everything up until his and Till’s round. Mizi has to run to the nearest trashcan to vomit when she hears the fact that it was a death game they were trapped in. Till rubs her back carefully, trying to be comforting to her, however he also feels sick at the knowledge. Suddenly it all makes sense. The rigorous classes and the training and-

A hand lands on his shoulder and he looks up, deep ebony eyes staring almost through him. “It’s over now” Ivan says simply and Till sighs in response. It is over, they’re all here and alive and happy. Mizi finally stands up, wiping at her mouth with her sleeve, and Till lets go of where he’d been holding her hair back from her face.

“Thanks, Till” she smiles weakly “and thank you, Ivan, for telling us.”

The rest of the tour is relatively uneventful, they talk for a bit about how the others they’ve found dont seem to remember anything, debating wether that is a blessing or a curse in reality. They eventually end their tour in the library after discussing more normal topics like what classes they’re taking and how good the cafeteria food is.

“So, what’s your housing situation like, Till?” Ivan asks, “Sua told me her and Mizi are rooming together, but what about you? Are you staying in the dorms?” The three of them sit at a table, Till had pulled out a sketchbook at some point once he’d realized they were going to be talking for a while. Ivan had at some point moved his chair to look over Till’s shoulder. Most would think it odd of someone they’d just met that day, but to Till it’s just one more peice slotting into place.

“Eh.” he responds, putting down the pencil for a moment to look at Ivan. “Haven’t really thought about it much.”

“Till!” Mizi says incredulously, earning a few stares from other students. She continues in a more hushed tone “Class starts in two weeks! You can’t be serious.” Till’s only response is to sigh and shrug, picking back up his pencil and returning to drawing. “Ugh! What am i gonna do with you,” she says disappointedly.

“My roommate recently moved out” Ivan says, nudging Till’s shoulder “as long as you can help with the rent you can move in”

Till hums in response. His base instinct is to deny the offer but when he thinks about it… he doesn't really have any other options. “Fine, as long as you don’t follow me around like a lost puppy all the time.”

Ivan laughs and smiles, his sharp tooth showing in it “alright, alright, I promise.”

Chapter Text

Two months had passed since the beginning classes. This also means that two months had passed since Mizi and Till had moved in with their respective roommates. Mizi had settled in well with Sua, the two of them fitting together like a glove. From the times Till visited their apartment, it was clean yet obviously lived in. They’d somehow turned those small rooms into a home.

Till’s time with Ivan was much different. Their dorm shows the distinct signs of one person unbothered with keeping perfectly clean and another too busy to. In spite of Ivan’s preoccupation with school and work, he still somehow always made time to watch Till. At the current moment, Till sits cross-legged on his top bunk, an old yearbook serving as a desk for his papers. The current paper shows the composition of a song, He’d picked up the guitar a few years back, though he never plans to put his face or name to any of his songs. He can’t have the world’s eye on him again.

While his pencil scribbles across paper, Till feels as the bunk-bed shakes slightly. He glances up for a moment to see Ivan pulling himself up to sit next to him. He looks back down and begins to fiddle with a lyric when a shoulder drops against his.

“I thought you were busy,” Till says, annoyance lacing his voice. Ivan had been clingy like this back in Anakt Garden--he’d recently learned from the man that that’s the name of where they grew up--but it was different living with him. Back in Anakt, the boy had only been able to pester him during their free time, he could always escape away from him during classes, meal times, and after curfew. But here they had more time between classes, often both ate meals in their room together, and slept all but a few feet away from each other. Those piercing eyes were on him constantly.

Ivan hums at his words “I can do my work later” His obsidian eyes trail along the paper as Till works “What’s this?”

“A new song” Till responds simply, thumb brushing over the corner of the page “I’ll have to kick you out of here for a bit to record it once it’s done.”

“I can be quiet,” Ivan responds.

Till sighs, Ivan was never one to take no for an answer. “Fine, but if I have to record it a second time you won’t be allowed in here for any of my future recordings either.”

Ivan grins, his snaggletooth poking out from below his lip “I promise I’ll be careful.”

Till is about to settle back into their normal silence when his phone screen flashes bright. He looks over to see the caller ID of Mizi. He puts down his pencil, stretching his arms over his head for a moment before picking up the phone.

“Hey Mizi, what’s up?” His smile drops from his face when he hears what sounds like crying over the phone. His face scrunches up in concern “Are you okay, Zi? Do you need me to come over?”

A gasp rings over the phone as Mizi attempts to steady her breathing to speak. “Sua- Sua, she got in a- a car crashed into her on her way home” Mizi’s voice breaks on every few words.

Till immediately bolts up, sending papers scattering across the room. He quickly clammors down from the bunk and begins rushing around the room to put on his shoes and grab a jacket. “Holy shit- I- okay okay, its gonna be okay ZI,” he says in a panic which he only snaps out of once Ivan holds keys in front of his face. He reaches for them only for them to be pulled back.

“You’re too panicked, I’ll drive” Ivan says, pulling on his own shoes before opening the door to their dorm. They both rush down the halls and out of the building, Till faster than Ivan, though he can see the worry faintly behind Ivan’s schooled look.

“Okay, Mizi, me and Ivan are on the way. Hang in there.” The car starts and they pull out onto the main road. The hospital Mizi mentioned is 15 minutes away--15 minutes too long in Till’s opinion. Till watches out the car window at the street lamps passing by, trying to keep his mind off of the thoughts of Sua bleeding, Sua in pain, Sua dead-

Till shakes his head violently to get the image out of his head and instead shifts his focus to Ivan. He watches the way the man’s hands grip the steering wheel a little too tightly and the way their speed is ever so slightly higher than normal. He scoffs, poking Ivan’s shoulder, “I thought you were supposed to be calm, don't get us in a crash too.” His voice shakes slightly with the words but he tries to push it down, taking deep breaths.

Ivan glances over at Till for a second before sighing and letting some of the tension leave his body. The look on his face is a mix of concern for Sua and a strange fondness that only appeared after Till spoke to him. Till frowns and looks away from Ivan grumbling “Eyes on the road, dumbass.”

They soon arrive at the hospital, Mizi texted Till the room number and he relays the information to the person working the desk. They’re led to the room and allowed in, where Till sees Mizi kneeling by Sua’s bedside, head and arms resting on the mattress as her body shakes with quiet sobs.

Till walks over to Mizi’s side and places a hand on her shoulder, squeezing lightly “We’re here now,” he says, causing her to look up at him and Ivan.

“Thank you for coming,” Mizi says in a strained tone. “I don't want to lose her again,” she says in a more hushed voice. Since a few months ago, when they had learned the nature of their past lives, Mizi had remembered a few things about later rounds here and there. The fact that she could remember rounds later than round one at all was simple proof that Sua had lost. Till does not look forward to the years when he’ll begin to remember his time on that stage, not after the nights spent comforting Mizi with her own memories. No, what he already remembered was unpleasant enough.

“You won’t.” Ivan speaks up, moving to stand next to where Mizi is knelt. “The doctors here are skilled, this is the best hospital within hours of here.” Ivan glances at the wall of the room and walks over, grabbing one of the chairs and moving it closer to Sua’s bed, “You’ll hurt your knees on the tile kneeling like that”

Till nods, “Yeah, c’mon, you should sit down Zi.” He reaches out a hand and waits for her to take it. When she does, Till helps her stand and watches as she moves to sit in the chair instead. Once she’s seated she carefully moves to intertwine her fingers with Sua’s, needing some sort of physical contact--probably to ground herself.

After a few hours they settle into the room. Mizi sits in the chair by Sua’s bedside, Till in one by the window, and Ivan rotates between standing, sitting, and grabbing them waters or protein bars from the vending machine just down the hall. Eventually a doctor stops by to let them know that Sua’s condition is stable--a fact that causes Mizi to sob with relief and till to visibly deflate--and that they are welcome to spend the night.

Mizi takes the doctor up on that offer, seemingly determined to not leave Sua’s side until she was ready to be discharged. Till and Ivan however both decided to go home--there was only one couch in the room after all. When they had said their goodbyes and were about to leave the room, Mizi stopped them.

“Till” she says shakily “could you do me a favor?”

“Of course, what is it?” Till says immediately. Anything for Mizi, especially in this circumstance.

“Could you bring me my backpack tomorrow?” she pulls out her keys and hands them to Till. “I don’t know how long I’ll be staying here and I can’t afford to get behind on class work so early in the year.”

“Got it,” Till says, grabbing the keys from her hand “I’ll send you my notes too” he says, turning back towards the door where Ivan stands, watching them wordlessly.

“Thank you so much, Till”

“Not a problem”

---

The next three weeks are a mix of trips to the hospital, sleepless nights, and busy days trying to keep up on school work and jobs. Just last night, Mizi had called Till to tell him that Sua had had a brief moment of lucidity. It didn’t last long, however the fact she opened her eyes at all was something worth celebrating. 

Ivan closes his computer and leans back in his chair with a sigh, Till watches from above on his bunk bed as the man stands. “You up to visit Sua tonight?” he asks to which Ivan nods.

“Just got done with work, give me 5 minutes to get ready.”

Till gives a thumbs up before hefting himself over the edge of the bed and letting himself drop to the ground. He quickly puts on his favorite red hoodie over the t-shirt he’d been wearing and slips on his shoes. He opens the door to their dorm and stands in the threshold to wait for Ivan.

“Ready.” Ivan says, pulling on his white jacket as he walks up to the door.

“I’ll drive this time” They’d made a habit of alternating drivers whenever they needed to drive somewhere together, this time was Till’s turn. Ivan nods in response and they both exit the building.

Whenever Till is the one driving the two of them anywhere, he always has to deal with Ivan’s eyes on him. He doesn’t quite understand what the man finds so interesting about him to stare at him like he were brand new every day. He’s sure by now looking out the window would be more entertaining.

When they reach the hospital they quickly make their way to a now familiar room. When they enter, Mizi is still asleep, head leaning against the mattress of the hospital bed. Till settles down on the couch, electing not to wake Mizi--she probably hasn’t had much sleep recently. He pulls out his sketchbook and pencil, preparing to wait for Sua to wake. The nurse had said on their way in that Sua should wake up today given her few moments waking up before.

As Till begins to draw, he feels the couch dip next to him. He looks out of the corner of his eye to see Ivan staring intently at him. Till elbows Ivan lightly, “There are plenty of other places for you to sit.”

Ivan lets out a small huff in response, grinning, “But I want to sit here.” Till’s brows furrow as he shakes his head and returns to drawing. He begins to draw small portraits of his friends, flowers and other such things filling in the gaps between them. He’s always put more care and detail into his drawings of Mizi and he does the same now. He can feel the gaze on him sharpen slightly for a moment, though he does not know why.

Eventually he moves on to Ivan’s portrait. He finds himself subconsciously adding more and more little details here and there, trying to capture the exact way the light shines in his eyes. Sua told him once when seeing Till draw Ivan that it was unrealistic, his eyes didn’t shine like that. Till thinks Sua must be unobservant, his eyes always shine like that.

Till continues with his sketches, moving on from portraits to scenes. He doesn’t keep track of the time passing, not noticing how long it’s been until he feels a head drop against his shoulder. He looks up and to the side, seeing Ivan leaning against his shoulder with closed eyes. Till feels his heart do a strange leap, tensing his hands up into fists as a heat rises inexplicably to his cheeks.

Eventually, though, Till finds himself growing tired as well. He begins to close his eyes when he notices movement from the other side of the room. He opens his eyes fully again and watches in shock as Sua begins to sit up.

Despite the fact that she was supposed to wake up today, its surreal to see her moving after weeks of nothing. Mizi is woken up by the hand in her grasp slipping away and she immediately sits up. Sua stares wide eyed at Mizi for a moment before tears well in her eyes. Mizi lurches forward to hold Sua’s cheeks with concern in her eyes “Sua? Are you okay? Do I need to call a nurse?”

Sua takes in a shuddering breath and lunges forward, wrapping her arms around Mizi and burring her face into the crook of Mizi’s neck. “I-” Sua says shakily “I’m alive.”

Mizi tangles a hand into Sua’s hair, holding her head gently “The crash was bad but the doctors never once said you might die, it’s okay.” 

Sua’s hands grip fistfulls of Mizi’s shirt, she doesn’t seem to process Mizi’s words. “You’re alive too,” she cries.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Mizi says questioningly, “I wasn’t in the car crash with you, I’m fine.”

Sua takes in a sharp breath and leans back, scanning the room. “We’re not…” she reaches for her neck, Till cant quite tell if she’s feeling for a wound or something else.

Mizi’s eyes widen as she seems to realize something. “But- I thought- you don’t remember.”

Sua shakes her head and buries her face back into Mizi’s shoulder, holding her tightly as if she never wants to let go.

---

Till at some point had woken up Ivan, and Sua, once she’d calmed down enough to speak, explained what happened. When she had gotten so close to death, memories of her past life hd seemingly been unlocked. In the three weeks she was asleep, she had lived over 20 years of memories, all culminating in her death in the first round of Alien Stage season 50. It had taken her a moment to register her life in this new world again with everything so fresh in her mind. However when she did, she once again was struck with tears. 

That night, the group of them had decided to stay overnight in the hospital so they could be there with Sua when she got her last checkups and was discharged. With Mizi settling down in her chair by the bed once more and Ivan taking the couch, Till was left to pace the room, trying to figure out where he should sleep. While Mizi was sleeping in  chair she could at least rest her head on the bed in the room. Till had no such luck.

Once Till’s pacing sent him closer to the couch again, he felt a hand tugging on his arm, pulling him down onto the couch next to Ivan. “We can share,” he says. He’s not entirely wrong. It would be a squeeze but there was enough room for two.

Till grumbles in response but doesn’t get up, instead settling into place in a surprisingly comfortable way. Soon the room is silent, a peaceful sleep finally taking them all.

Chapter Text

Sua’s recovery wasn’t easy by any means. She needed to not work for a month and required some physical therapy, and thats not even beginning to mention the memories. Till struggled himself with getting a new memory or two every few weeks, he can’t imagine the feeling of getting them all at once.

Ivan, surprisingly, is the most sympathetic. He reveals that his own memories came to him at about 5 years old in a much similar way. He gives her some advice, and then the two of them complain about the headaches the memories had caused. Till inwardly thinks its nice to see them all acting as a group of friends--back in the garden, Ivan was much more an outsider.

Time went on with the four of them. Now with Sua in the know about things their group could function without secrets, always able to lean on each other. Soon several rounds of finals had gone by and years passed them by. Over that time, Till had become increasingly aware of just how clingy Ivan is. The way he’d lean against him while he drew or studied, the way he always insisted to be by his side whenever time permitted. Till always acted annoyed by it, however as the months go by he feels said annoyance fade.

One day, late into the night, they’re keeping up their habit of Till drawing and Ivan watching over his shoulder. He hums a new composition to himself softly as he works, occasionally glancing up to catch Ivan’s gaze from the corner of his eye. Eventually he feels Ivan’s head drop against his shoulder and instinctually leans his head on Ivan’s. 

He doesn’t even notice what he’s done until he sees Ivan tense, seemingly in surprise. Once he does though he also tenses, lifting his head and rubbing at his neck while heat rises to his cheeks. He mumbles something about nodding off as if to try and recover his dignity. Ivan nods compliantly, though he doubts the other believes him.

The two of them end up sitting with a little bit more distance than normal between them, Till hardly able to focus on his art without the embarrassment of his earlier--he doesn’t even know what to call what he did--welling up and distracting him. The fourth time he has to refocus his eyes after being lost in thought he suddenly closes his sketchbook with a snap and sits up.

“I-” his voice breaks as he fumbles for the right words to get him out of this situation “Uh, bed. Yeah.” He cringes slightly, “I’m going to bed.”

Ivan stares at him for a moment, a rare flush dusting his cheeks, before nodding and moving to go down the ladder to his bunk. “Got it,” he says blankly and Till almost wonders if Ivan’s thoughts are running just as fast as his own. “Goodnight.” Ivan says, though he keeps his head down when he does, looking at his bedsheets instead of at Till like normal.

Till hums in response, flopping back onto his pillow. He grabs a blanket and tugs it up to cover him, not bothering to change out of his day clothes before sleeping. He stares up at the ceiling, wondering in his mind what came over him to do that. Never in all his days both in this world and the previous had he shown affection to Ivan--at least not like that.

If Mizi was here right now she’d tell him its okay to be affectionate with friends. Sua would probably just take a picture for blackmail purposes. Till closes his eyes tightly and tries to will sleep to take him away from this embarrassment, the heat in his cheeks making him feel almost feverish.

It takes at least an hour before he begins to relax into sleep, fading down into what will hopefully be a restful slumber.

---

Till stands on a private stage, the lyrics of a song projected on screen behind him. He stares intently at the microphone, mouth pressed shut in a firm line. The microphone presses insistently up against his face and he shifts his head violently to the side in a firm refusal. Urak shouts something from the table him and his guests sit at. He stands suddenly from the table, causing his seat to skid violently across the floor with a screech, and rushes up to meet Till.

“What are you doing?” Harsh, unmelodic words spill from his guardian’s mouth, his large hand reaching up to grasp at Till’s face. Till feels his cheeks sting where nails dig into them. He looks up at his guardian with slight determination glinting in his eyes. “Sing, useless brat!”

His face in pressed down into the table, staring at a newspaper “I won’t have my investments go down the drain like that untrained brute.” The sound screeches on Till’s ears. He hears the murmurings of the other segyiens, growling and chittering their insults, and all he can hear is Mizi. Mizi, Mizi, Mizi. His hand scrambles across the table until it hits against something hard--a bottle. 

He immediately grasps it in a vice grip and wrenches his neck out of Urak’s hold, likely leaving deep scratches behind. Till rounds on the closest segyien, a purple creature. The glass bottle swings around to meet its flesh and shatters on impact, sending glass skidding across the room. The impact throws the segyien off balance for a moment, but most of the force seems to have been absorbed by its tough skin.

He’s immediately pinned to the table, hands closing in from all sides to pin him everywhere. The clamoring sounds of different segyiens makes his head pound and he barely feels as a collar is clasped around his neck. He tries one last time to push himself up, only to be met with a hard hit to the back that makes him cough and sputter for air.

The time after that is a blur. He hears someone suggest they get their money’s worth out of him some other way and everything after that is hell. His life becomes a relentless assault of hands and clicks and trills and growls. Some are more gentle than others but it all makes his skin bruise and his head pound.

They decide by the end of the night to leave him with the purple segyien he’d tried to hurt as compensation. His eyes stare blankly forward and he sees Mizi. Kind and soft and reaching out to him, glowing like an angel, here to save him. He reaches out with the last of his consciousness, eyes growing so so heavy. But he can’t close his eyes, she’s so close. He pleads with himself as they flutter shut, too much abuse catching up to him and forcing him into sleep.

---

Till shoots up in bed, gasping loudly for air. He pulls himself together into a tight ball, covering his body with his blanket and looking around defensively. His skin feels dirty and bruised even though nothing has changed. He hears the sound of the ladder shaking and looks up to see Ivan sitting down on his bed.

“Nightmare?” Ivan asks and Till nods. He hums in response “Memories I presume?” another nod. He sighs and shifts closer to Till, looking at him with sympathy. “Want to talk about it?”

Till hesitates, bringing a hand up to his neck, feeling for scratches and marks that aren't there. Nights like these are vulnerable affairs. Most often he’d spend them alone or call Mizi, however with Ivan as his roommate he doesn’t need to do either of those things.

Though he does wonder how Ivan always is right there when this happens.

“Have you been watching me sleep?” he says in lieu of an answer.

Ivan’s eyes widen ever so slightly before going back to his normal expression “I’m just a light sleeper.”

Till squints in response, though he decides not to press the issue. “I’ll talk about it”

Ivan nods and shifts closer still, putting a hand on top of Till’s. It’s somewhat reassuring to feel a touch from a small, human hand after all that. He recounts his refusal to sing, the comments about Mizi, and how he couldn’t stand for it. He glosses over the time after that, just mentioning that there were a lot of hands and sounds and that it hurt. He completely omits his hallucination of Mizi.

“They can’t hurt you here now” Ivan says simply in response. A strange determination shines in his eyes, as if he’d somehow make sure of it. They’re now sitting knee to knee with each other, Till having let himself unfurl slightly. Ivan may be a weirdo but he’s safe. He’s a friend.

Till nods in response to Ivan’s words. His brain can’t seem to form more words after recounting everything. His lips are dry from stress and stick together, making him all the more willing to just be quiet. He takes a breath before slumping forward, head hitting Ivan’s chest. Right now he doesn’t care how this might look, he doesn’t care that he’s never been this close to Ivan before. All he cares about is that he needs to be close to someone, and Ivan’s right there.

Hands tentatively reach up to hold his back, warm and grounding. He sighs, closing his eyes and letting himself sink into this life once again.

The next morning they don’t acknowledge the night before, however it can be seen in their actions. Throughout the next weeks, their routine changes ever so slightly. When Ivan is by Till’s side, Till can often be found leaning against him--even if just slightly. It catches Ivan off guard the first few times which Till thinks is funny, but eventually he adjusts. Till often finds his chest fluttering when they’re next to each other. It’s odd, he can’t quite place what it means.

“When he leans against me it makes my chest feel like it’s doing backflips,” Till says exasperatedly, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyesockets. He’d gone over to Mizi and Sua’s place for the day and eventually he’d decided to spill out his confusions.

Sua looks at Mizi with a knowing look, lips quirked up in a slight grin, and Mizi giggles. She presses a hand to her mouth to stop the sound before responding “Till! Oh my god! Do you like him?”

Till raises an eyebrow, “I mean, hes my friend, yeah?” He tilts his head “What does that have to do with anything?”

“No, no! Not like that!” Mizi waves her hands, a new fit of giggles coming over her.

“She means you’re gay” Sua says bluntly, causing Mizi to laugh even harder. Mizi whacks her on the arm, “What? Its true.”

Till stares at them incredulously, eyes wide and a flush rising to his cheeks. “I- no!” he stutters, shaking his head violently “I don’t like Ivan--not like that!” He exclaims. 

“You sure?” Mizi says, grinning.

“Yes!” Till says, throwing his hands up, “Even if I did, he doesn’t like me either.”

Sua looks at him like he’s the dumbest creature to ever walk the earth, “He’s a lost cause,” she says, turning her gaze to Mizi.

Mizi sighs and looks at Till “It’s obvious that he likes you Till.” She gestures with her hands as she speaks, “He always wants to be around you, and he’s super protective over you!” she says.

“He gets real jealous too,” Sua notes, “and i’ve never seen him act like he does around you with any other friends he’s had.”

Till lets the numbers run through his head as he tries to process what they’re saying. Does Ivan really like him like that? Till thinks he surely must not, but… “Why would he go for me of all people?” Till says, staring at his hands “he could have pretty much anyone he wanted, the charming bastard.”

Sua reaches over and whacks him over the head, causing him to stare at her incredulously “what?!”

“Stop being self deprecating, you idiot” She says. 

Mizi sighs and reaches out a hand to place on one of Till’s. “You’re more amazing then you think you are, Till.” She smiles softly at him “you’re great at art and music and you’re loyal and kind once you get past your rough exterior.”

Sua nods, “I hate to say it but you are also conventionally attractive when you put some effort into your appearance.” She says, grimacing at the compliment, though her praise earns a smile from Mizi.

“See! You’re not that bad!”

Till avoids Ivan for the next few days. He can’t quite figure out anything about all this when the man throwing his emotions in loops is next to him. Many nights are spent laying awake staring at the ceiling and many days are spent zoning out during lectures as he thinks through this revelation. He doesn’t know how to feel about any of this, however the little moments Ivan can still manage to get with him send whatever conclusions he makes out the window again.

Eventually it becomes more and more obvious that the only possible answer is that Till likes Ivan back. But that can’t be right! Right? 

Till, like any reasonable man having a crisis might, takes to the internet. An hour of ‘research’ later and he’s stuck into a strange quiz that claims to be ‘100% accurate’. Certain questions about wanting to kiss him throw him off but others seem reasonable. Of course Ivan’s attractive, of course Till thinks about him a lot.

Secretly in love with him… Till decides the quiz was lying about it’s accuracy--maybe one more will tell him the right answer.

The next quiz seems…more reasonable to say the least. It asks him how he’d feel if Ivan had a crush on someone else and a strange feeling wells up in his chest. He clicks on the jealous answer though he doesn’t quite know why.

Of course, that one also tells him hes in love. Till buries his face in his hands and groans. The answer really is obvious, he just doesn’t know how to accept it. He decides one last test is what he needs, closing his eyes and imagining Ivan. he imagines them next to each other, leaning on each other, kissing each other-

His face flushes bright red as he does so and his eyes shoot open. He shakes his head to get the idea out of it and groans once again. “Oh, this is hopeless.” 

“What is?” Ivan says from behind him and Till jumps, quickly slamming his laptop shut. He spins around in his chair and stares at Ivan like a deer in headlights.

“Nothing!” Till says, and Ivan stares at him with a smug grin.

“Oh really? You closed your laptop rather fast when you heard me.”

Till’s lips press together in a nervous line as his eyes flit around the room. God he hates that smug ass look that Ivan has. His eyebrows furrow as he gets an idea, standing up and walking closer to Ivan.

“Stop looking so smug,” he grumbles, reaching both hands up to grasp the sides of Ivan’s head. He hesitates for a moment, as if waiting for Ivan to pull away, but it doesn’t come. So, instead, he leans forward and makes it a goal to kiss that look of of Ivan’s face.

The kiss starts chaste yet determined, Till having mustered up everything inside of him into one action. He watches as Ivan’s eyes widen before his own hands come around to hold Till close. Till pulls back after a moment, taking in a breath of air. At that, Ivan grins and leans forward instead.

Under Ivan’s guidance, the kiss is deeper. Till feels Ivan’s snaggletooth scrape against his lip, likely rubbing it raw. It lasts for seemingly an eternity and yet once they pull away from each other he can’t help but wish it was longer.

Till flushes bright red once he realizes what he’d just done, burying his face in his hands. Ivan chuckles at his reaction and places a hand on Till’s cheek, “Cute,” he says, only causing Till to flush further.

Till pulls away from Ivan and quickly walks over to sit on Ivan’s bed. He props his elbows on his knees and his face in his palms and groans. “I don’t know what came over me,” he mumbles.

Till feels the bed dip as Ivan sits next to him. Ivan places a hand on his thigh and squeezes slightly, “Well, you kissed me.” he states plainly.

“And you kissed me back,” Till returns. “God I didn't think Mizi and Sua were right when they said you liked me,” he says incredulously. “I mean, you could have anyone-”

“I’ve only ever had eyes for you”

Till looks over at Ivan in shock but sees no sign of a lie on his face, “Really? Even back then?”

“Even in our past life, yes” Ivan says, chuckling slightly.

“Oh dear Anakt I’m so oblivious” Till groans, earning a laugh from Ivan. “This explains so much.”

Ivan leans his body against Till’s and hums in response “I guess it does huh?” Till nods and sighs, leaning against Ivan in turn.

“Were you ever gonna tell me?” Till asks and Ivan hums, smiling.

“Nope”