Archive of Our Own ^beta

The day had started like any other day at the Armed Detective Agency. Kunikida shouted about how irresponsible Dazai was, while the man himself was still nowhere to be seen. When Dazai did eventually arrive, it was around a half an hour before noon and most of the agency members were simply chatting with one another as there had been no major cases recently.

The windows showed a cloudy white as a thick fog covered Yokohama. A gentle chatter filled the room as the members talked. 

Faint steps could be heard by Atsushi as some one climbed the stairs and the door swung open to show Dazai in all his suicidal glory. 

“I’m here!” He announced in his usual false cheerful tone.

“Where have you been? You’re lucky we didn’t get assigned a mission while you were lazing in bed!” Kunikida reprimanded, loudly.

“But Kunikidaaa, you said it yourself, why does it matter if there were no cases to do?” Dazai wines in response.

“Urg! It's the principle of the thing!”

“You’d know allll about that wouldn’t you, with your unattainable ideals?” 

“YOU LITTLE-”

“Umm Mr. Kunikida?” Atsushi interrupted timidly. Dazai took this opportunity to rush into a different room, successfully escaping Kunikida’s wrath.

“WHAT?” Atsushi shoved his hands against his ears and tensed for a moment, snapping his eyes closed. Kunikida quickly calmed once he saw the look on Atsushi's face.

“Sorry for yelling at you Atsushi, what did you need?” Atsushi visibly calmed at this, his shoulders slumping.

“It’s okay! I just wanted to tell you that someone is coming up the stairs.” 

Everyone in the agency turned to look at the door as it creaked open again, uncovering a shorter statured person with vibrant ginger hair and striking eyes, one sky blue and the other an earthy brown. He wore an oversized chocolate brown argyle sweater with coffee colored slacks and a pair of dark brown converse. A tan pinstripe newsboy cap sat atop his head and he held a familiar looking bento box in his hands.

“Bonjour?” The French word rolled right out of his mouth without any trouble. 

“ Ah sorry sir, we don’t speak French.” Asudhi informed him politely.

“Spehk for yourselhf” Ranpo said with his mouth full.

“You shouldn’t be speaking at all till you’ve finished chewing and swallowing Ranpo!” Yasano remarked. Ranpo swallowed quickly before sticking his tongue out at her.

“Oh sorry, it's a habit.” He spoke Japanese well for someone who was just talking in French. In fact there was no trace of his previous accent.

“Well Mr. Matching Hat! What can we do for you?” Ranpo asked, hopping up from where he was sitting on his desk. The ginger man seemed confused by the nickname.

“Eh? Me?”

“Duhh, who else do I match hats with?” Rampo stated as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. Kenji walk in a moment after quickly realizing who stood in front of him and hugging him tightly.

“Mr. Fancy Hat!” 

“Huh! Oh hello li’l Punk, I didn’t know you worked here?”

“Yup!”

“Well I’m happy to see you.” The ginger, or ‘Mr. Fancy Hat’ as Kenji called him, smiled gently.

Kunikida cleared his throat, “So why are you here today sir?”

“Hm? Oh, I’m just here to drop this off to Osamu.” He held up the bento in his hands.

“Osamu?” Junichiro asked curiously.

“He’s talking about Dazai.” Rampo answered.

The ginger blinked a few times before nodding to himself. “Oh, yes I suppose you would call him that.” 

“So, could I ask your name sir?” Kunikida asked, keeping a professional look.

“Yes of course! I’m Chuuya Dazai, Osamu’s husband. You may call me just Chuuya though. I wouldn’t want to confuse you kind folks.”

… 

The room was silent and most of the occupants had their jaws nearly to the floor in shock. 

“Dazai is married!?” Atsushi said, the works broke the silence that had settled over the room.

“Does that Mackerel really not talk about me to you?” Chuuya asked, though he didn’t seem very surprised.

“How can we be so sure you're telling the truth?” Kunikida asked.

“Well let’s ask him.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Kunikida turned back to face towards where Dazai had stood before Chuuya arrived.

…

“ Where'd he go!!” Kunikida shouted, snapping a pen.

“He went to the meeting room a while ago.” Ranpo said, sounding rather bored with the whole predicament.

“OSAMU!” Chuuya yelled, his French accent slipping back into his words. Dazai poked his head out of the meeting room door, confused.

“Arahabaki?” His voice held so much love and affection for this ‘Arahabaki’.

“Dazai, who is this?” Kunikida asked, as Dazai walked over to Chuuya. He wrapped his arms around the ginger's neck and leaned against him.

“What are you doing here slug?” He questioned, ignoring Kunikida as he repeated his original question in increasingly louder volume.

“I just came to give you your bento asshat, you left it at home.” Chuuya slipped the bento in his hands to Dazai’s and turned to peck him on the lips. Dazai hummed in understanding.

“You want to tell me why only Kenji and Ranpo know I exist?” His voice sounded annoyed but the smirk on his face showed that Dazai was in no actual trouble.

“Well Kunikida,” Dazai said, finally acknowledging the man, “This is my husband, Chuuya, but I think he already told you that.” He turn back to Chuuya, “Now Kunikida knows you too!”

“That is not what I meant asshole.” Chuuya grumbled quietly.

Kunikida, apparently not expecting the man to be telling the truth, stood there shell shocked. 

“It’s good to see you again Chuuya!” Ranpo said cheerfully.

“You as well Linchpin, how is it between you and-”

“SHHH!” Ranpo said before Chuuya could say the name.

“Oh, I see.” He said with a devious smirk.

“Um Ranpo? How do you know this guy?” Atsushi asked.

“Huh? Me and Chuuya here go wayyyy back!”

“You tried to trap me in a mystery novel.” Chuuya deadpanned. “And now I’m somehow involved in your love life.”

“Oh~” Yosano asked, suddenly interested. “Do tell.”

“He can't, he was sworn to secrecy!!” Ranpo said nervously.

“Only your love interest swore me to secrecy, so technically..”

“Pleasssseeee Chuuya! I’ll buy you your favorite wine!” Ranpo begged.

“With your own money?”

Ranpo sighed, “Yes, with my own money.”

“Okay then,” he turned to look at Yosano, “I’m afraid I can’t remember, sorry.”

“It’s fine, I wouldn’t tell a secret if I was promised wine too.”

“Well if that's all I must be going.” Dazai groaned as Chuuya started moving for the door.

“Wait! I must tell the President of this.” Kunikida said, snapping out of his funk.

“If you must.” Chuuya’s words were nice but his tone betrayed his annoyance. 

Kunikida strode out of the room to the President’s office. He returned quickly with a tall white haired man behind him.

“Greetings Arahabaki. How have you been?” He also spoke the name Arahabaki towards Chuuya.

“Hello Yukichi, I’ve been well. you?” All of the members seemed surprised at Chuuya using the President’s first name. 

“I have been good. It was lovely to see you again, old friend but I heard you must be going.”

“Lovely to see you too old man, but I must be off, the library doesn’t run itself.” Both men chuckled. Before Chuuya turned and kissed Dazai one last time, he started towards the door again.

“Farewell.” Fukuzawa called, a soft smile on his face.

“Goodbye everyone, It was nice to meet you! And Osamu? Just come to the Library after work please.”

“Of course, Love.” Dazai responded as Chuuya walked out the door.

…

The Agency stood there for a few moments in silence.

“So who was that?” Atsushi spoke up, “like I know it’s Dazai’s husband but what's he do?”

“That was Chuuya Nakahara, or Dazai now, and he owns the Library called Tales & Tomes in Port Mafia territory.” Fukuzawa explained.

“And how do you know him?” Ranpo asked.

“Yeah, and why’d you call him ‘Arahabaki’?” Junichiro chimed in.

“Well I met him when I was younger.”

“Don't you mean when he was younger?” Kunikida asked.

Fukuzawa chuckled. “No, no I meant when I was younger. We met when I was still doing my first occupation.” The members who knew of this occupation quieted wondering how exactly they had met.

“That doesn’t explain why you call him Arahabaki.” Naomi said.

“Well at the time that’s what he went by.”

Ranpo jolted. “Isn’t Arahabaki the god of Calamity?” Several people seemed confused at what that had to do with anything, while the others in the know tried to connect the dots Ranpo had. Dazai just looked on in amusement.

“Yup!” He said cheerfully.

“So did he,” Kunikida coughed, “did he.. kill people?” Dazai outright laughed. 

“Pfft- ‘did he kill people?’ Oh my slug! That's hilarious- of course he's killed. He's the god of Calamity!” Everyone stared at Dazai wondering if he had started to spiral into severe delusion.

“Dazai? Did you just say your husband was a god?” Kunikida looked doubtful, along with most of the others.

“He isn’t wrong.” The President said, he looked back at Dazai sternly, “though I wouldn’t have put it that way.”

“It was funny!” He defended poorly.

 The agency went back to its normal chatter soon after that. This time with Yosano trying to get out of Ranpo who he liked. As they sat down to finally have  lunch Atsushi thought of a very important question. 

“Wait, so is Chuuya a pedo? Or is Dazai a person attracted to older men?”

“Actually, that's a good question: how far apart in age are you Dazai?” Yosano asked.

“Oh, ummmm, maybe about a hundred years apart?” Dazai replied though he seemed unsure.

“Wait, hasn't Arahabaki been around for eons?” Atsushi murmured.

“Hm? Oh yeah.” Dazai said, distracted.

“So then how are you only a hundred years apart? If he's been around for eons you'd be dead.” Kunikida stated.

“Well clearly not, since I'm still here,” Dazai said sarcastically. Just as Kunikida started to rebuke him, Dazai added, “but if you must know, it’s because I'm immortal.”

…

“WHAT!”