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Chapter Text

Sirius

The suitcase was too full to shut easily, the layers of clothing piled high. Sirius had to squish it down with force, until finally he got the latches to click.

Stepping back, he stared at his work, the last suitcase of the three he’d ve taking with him.

Everything was ready to go.

He stood in his room, the bed sheets rumpled and unmade, the curtains pulled open and letting in white light, the sky a sheet and the day a bitter cold — December taking the little warm left in London, until everything was bleach and dreary.

Even inside, everything was white, from the sheets to the curtains to the frame of his bed. The only splash of colour was the painting hung on the far wall, something modern and strange — splattered paint and geometric patterns.

He’d had an interior designer come in when he’d first bought the penthouse two years prior, he regretted it every morning he woke up, looking around and feeling as if he’d accidentally stumbled into a dystopian future.

But he had asked for light, a place without shadow, and that was what he’d gotten.

Sirius sighed. He wouldn’t be seeing the penthouse for some time, none of the white walls or modernist furniture, sleek and shiny and looking too perfect to touch. He would be glad for it.

Across from him, Marlene McKinnon was leaning back on his bed, currently texting someone. She paused to look up at him through her shag of bleached-blond hair, raising an eyebrow.

“I’ll be fine, Marls.” He rolled his eyes back.

“When are you ever? I expect some scandal by the end of this. A video going viral at least. A speech gone wrong, wearing white, something like that.”

“It’s my best friends’ wedding.” Sirius pouted. “I’m going to behave myself.”

She snickered at him.

“Here I thought I was your best friend.”

He frowned back as he sat down on the bed.

He felt better sitting. He was sore from all the packing, with all three suitcases now stuffed. The wedding came a week before Christmas, and he wouldn’t be coming back until the New Year. He was meant to help with the last of the planning, then stay for the holidays — he was the Best Man, after all.

“You’re my second best friend. Or third. No, actually, fourth. I have to keep room for Harry as well.” Sirius smiled, remembering the little kid. He didn’t see him enough, mostly over zoom calls. He was busy, he lived in London now.

And besides, he didn’t like home. The small, sleepy village he’d grown up in, that everyone he knew had ended up staying in. He did not envy them, he liked this life. He liked his tours, and his crowds, and his scandals. He liked being Sirius Black, The Star.

But he was going to be someone else for the next month. Until Christmas, he would just be Sirius Black, The Best Friend. And he’d do that role dutifully. And despite what Marlene said, he would not make a scene.

He flopped back completely, looking up at Marlene. She was wearing a sweatshirt with the emblem of the footie team she’d been on for the past five years.

She was still on her phone.

“Who are you texting?”

“No one.”

She frowned at him, and Sirius made a swipe for her phone. Her frown grew.

“Piss off, Black. Before I throw it at your face.”

“It’s Meadowes, isn’t it?”

Marlene paused, before pushing off his bed.

“I should get going.”

“Oh, should you?” Sirius asked, “but we were just talking about your love life.”

“I’m not texting her.” Marlene said, only growing more annoyed. “I don’t have her number, and I won’t have her number. She’s the worst.”

“The worst.” Sirius repeated back, wearing a shit-eating grin.

“She’s—” Marlene’s eyes narrowed at him. “It was only the one time.”

“I thought it was two?”

“A few times,” Marlene waved him off, crossing her arms. “After something builds up for a long time, you need to— to get it all out, right? It’s a good emotion purger. After a match, seeing that smarmy smile she gets knowing she played better than me, it’s good. It's like fighting. It feels good.”

“Hate sex,” Sirius sighed, “Maybe not the smartest, if you ask me.”

“As if you’re one to judge me. The entire internet thinks you’re a whore.”

“They think it because I am. Wonder how they would react to you and Meadowes. I bet some of them would go feral, write some good fanfiction…”

She flipped him off.

“What time is your train, Black?”

“In like two hours.”

“You should be getting ready to go, then. I’ll let you. And I’ll get out of your hair. Don’t forget about me.”

“Tell Meadowes I wish her well. And that I hope she wins her next match.”

“You’re asking me to strangle you, aren’t you?” Marlene glowered. After a pause, though, she did soften, giving him a sigh.“Just take care, Black. Please? I don’t actually want to hear any drama, or have you knocking on my door in the middle of the night in tears.”

“I’d have to catch a train all the way back here for that.” Sirius smiled. “No way that’s happening.

With one last look his way, Marlene left, and Sirius slumped back on his bed, looking over at the last suitcase.

He was going home. To the Potters’ place, and to his childhood village.

After running away for so long, he’d have to face it. He didn’t want to, but he had no choice. He could only hope the month would pass quickly.

The train ride was boring, and Sirius slept through most of it. He got a compartment to himself, first-class, if only because the eyes would have driven him mad. And the questions, and the prodding. Like he was a prized-pony they got to ride around.

Half didn’t even ask, they demanded. They leered, stared like he wouldn’t noticed — breathing with widened eyes. And as much as he liked the attention on the stage, as much as he liked the adoration, this was different. Sometimes he was dissected from a distance like a bug.

He didn’t know what to expect from home. He didn’t know what he’d find, if the people there would greet him as an old friend, or if they’d gawk and record his every movement, the eyes of cameras following each step. He didn’t know.

Sirius got off the train at the old platform — the one he’d left from many years ago. He stood out in the open, bundled in a leather jacket and a maroon scarf.

His nose was already beginning to sting from the cold, his bare hand numbing as it clutched the first of his suitcases, and he was home.

The village was old, the buildings made of a muddied stone, brown and unevenly patched together. The roofs were sloping and tall, the windows fogged from the change in temperature, and already everything was decorated. Lights hanging from roofs and wrapped around trees. In the twilight, some had already begun to glow.

Doors had wreaths hung up, and candles glowed from inside windows, and it could have been out of a storybook, even down to the stones of the road ahead. Sirius looked out, and he looked around, and finally — only a bench near the small train station — he saw James.

James Potter had grown a lot since they were eighteen — before Sirius had left. He was not the same as he’d been those seven years ago, he was fuller — the gangly limbs of his teen self gone. He had a moustache, and streaks of greying hair.

Above all that, James looked settled. He was grown up in a way Sirius wasn’t, and that was mostly Harry. An unexpected gift, he’d forced both James and Lily to buckle down and mature. While Sirius went out every other night of his early twenties, getting drunk and high, doing all sorts of depraved things, James Potter had responsibilities. They’d fought about it once, but that was years ago.

James hugged him, grinning.

“You actually made it. I thought you might run.”

“I only thought about it a little.” Sirius smirked. “But it was always beautiful here in the winter. If I’m facing ghosts, at least I’ve got that.”

Smiling back, James picked up the other two suitcases. He looked Sirius over, taking in the leather jacket and the tight-fitted shirt underneath, the dark jeans and the shoes — platformed, just because it gave him an extra bit of height.

James nodded to himself, as if deciding Sirius looked good.

“You’ll be at our house. No ghosts there,” James winked, “And Harry will be all over you. He won’t stop talking about getting to see his uncle Sirius.”

“I am his favourite.” Sirius smirked, “Because I let him do whatever he wants. The cool uncle.”

Leaving the platform, they began the short walk to the Potter’s home — which was nestled just off the village centre.

“Lily’s excited to see you too,” James added, “She’s cooking you dinner. I told her not to but she insisted. She’s already planning the party tonight, I think it’s too much. All of it is. She’s been so stressed about the wedding. We hired someone to help, but she still takes so much on. I can’t wait for all the planning to be over, to be honest. Because then she can relax, and we can be married. I always wanted a wedding, but…”

“The stress makes it less fun,” Sirius smiled. “That’s why I’d never go through with it. I like attention, but I don’t need all that nonsense. Besides, never had anyone worth marrying.”

“Remus said almost the same thing to me a while ago, funnily enough. Things change,” he smirked, and Sirius’ smile fell.

If James noticed, he didn’t mention it, and Sirius looked back towards his suitcase. A single month, it wouldn’t be so bad. And he’d do fine, and he’d spend his time with Harry.

Ghosts could be ignored, so long as you didn’t look at them. They were harmless, just whispers in the air. Sirius was going to ignore this.

The Potters’ cottage was newer than the brownstones that made up much of the village, with shingles on the outside and two stories. It was painted a pastel yellow, with flower bushes at the front and a stone path leading to their door.

They’d put out a wreath at the front, and Sirius could see their Christmas tree through the window. It glittered, the lights already on, wrapped in silver tinsel.

Walking up to the door with James, Sirius felt strange.

He’d been here once or twice, stopping by for a quick visit and leaving before he got used to it. He never stayed long, not until now. And so the cottage was not home. The people in it were, but not the place.

“Home for the Holidays,” James said, as if reading his mind. He gave Sirius a warm smile. “Prepare yourself.”

He threw the door open, and then let Sirius step in first, following close behind.

The house inside was warm too, not the putrid white of Sirius’ penthouse. He could smell Lily’s cooking, seasoning wafting in the air. Family photos covering the wall of the entrance, and a painting Lily had done of the sun as it set was placed beside a small mirror.

James was putting his suitcase down by the line of shoes, and Sirius ran a hand through his hair, beginning to take his jacket off.

“Sirius!”

A suddenly burst of energy came in, and Sirius had seconds before he was being launched at, a five year old with strapped-on glasses and a gap-toothed grin clinging to his leg, beaming up at him.

Sirius beamed back.

“Is that you, Harry?” He pulled the kid up into his arms, finding him heavier than he’d been the last time they’d met, bigger too. He had the messy hair of his father, the brown skin, but his green eyes were all Lily.

Harry was still grinning.

“You’re here for the wedding?” Harry asked, as if he was worried Sirius was going to leave again.

“That’s right,” Sirius said, “I’ll be around all month.

Harry’s smile grew wider, and Sirius noticed Lily coming in after him, her hair half-up, wearing a blazer as if she’d just gotten off work.

“Lily Evans,” Sirius said, “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Sirius Black, have you gotten taller?”

“Just the shoes. They’ve got platforms.”

Lily shook her head.

“You and your insecurities.”

Sirius set the kid down, and Harry immediately ran off to find something, a toy he needed Sirius to see. With him gone, Lily pulled Sirius into a hug. When she drew back, she looked him up and down.

“You look good. No more trouble?”

“I’m always up to trouble.”

“But nothing bad. No regrets out there, in your mansion?”

“It’s a penthouse, not a mansion. Just a big flat.”

She shook her head.

“Whatever, a rich place for rich people is a mansion to me.”

“Says a woman marrying one of the Potters. Your Fiancé grew up in a manor, Evans.”

“I’ll only be Evans for a little while longer, so you better stop calling me that now,” Lily smiled, “You’re in good spirits, I’m glad. I was worried.”

“Worried? You’re getting married, why would I be in bad spirits?”

Sirius kept his smile on, attempting to feel what he said. Lily raised an eyebrow back, she’d always been too good at reading him.

“I just know you’ve avoided coming home, and now you’re here. And I know you like to keep moving, and we’re quiet. And I know…”

Lily took a breath, she looked at James.

“Have you told him?”

“I—” James rubbed the back of his neck, “I didn’t know if it was right of us.”

“What?” Sirius frowned, watching them share looks. Lily shook her head.

“Remus is engaged.” She smiled at him, “It’s recent, but they’re not recent. He’s been with her for a couple years now.”

“He’s—” Sirius frowned, he shook his head, he nodded. “Right. I didn’t know. I didn’t know— I mean, I don’t know much about him. I don’t care.”

He nodded again, and he made himself laugh.

“Why would I? It’s been seven years, I haven’t seen him in seven years. It would be pretty pathetic if I cared. Do you know how many men I’ve—”

Harry came back, which was good, it gave him a reason to shut up. Lily was still shaking her head, and Sirius was trying very hard not to feel anything. Because it would be pathetic.

Engaged. The poor woman. She would have a terrible time. Remus would drag his feet down the aisle. He didn’t even want to get married, he’d never liked marriage. He’d never even liked love, or at least it never felt like it. Love was just a burden for him.

Poor woman, she deserved to get out of the relationship. And Remus didn’t deserve to have one. He was just torturing her. Leading her on this long was cruel.

“It’s you!” Sirius looked to where Harry was holding up a stuffed dog, black and with dark string for hair, making it appear shaggy. Sirius forced a smile.

“I guess it is.” He looked at Lily. “Since when does he want to get married, though? He hated the idea of that when we were kids, he hated everything to do with commitment.”

“Things change.”

Lily shrugged, but her eyes weren’t convincing. Sirius could read her too, and he knew. Things like this didn’t just change. Remus Lupin had not just changed.

The bastard wasn’t interested in marriage, and he didn’t deserve it anyway. He didn’t deserve a happy ending, and the woman surely didn’t deserve a man who’d never love her enough. Never love her correctly. Because Remus Lupin never could love correctly.

Tonks

The light in the kitchen was beginning to flicker, a sign it would soon go out. Tonks had been staring at it for the better part of fifteen minutes, but she had not fixed it. She was just staring, finger moving around the lip of her mug.

She’d made herself tea, but she’d barely drank any.

A slow, miserable day. She had spent the early hours attempting to edit through another manuscript, and now she was tired. A headache growing, she wanted to rest her eyes for a while, but she’d wait to greet Remus when he got home.

She had gotten used to this life. In the two years since moving in, the quiet of their small flat was peaceful. She had the days to herself, to water the plants, play music, and work. Free-lance, just as she’d always wanted. Not beholden to any schedule, with the ability to do as she pleased when she pleased. To a point, anyway. Work was still work, and it wore on her.

Not to mention the slow slog of wedding planning. She could feel her engagement ring on her finger now, digging in. It was fitted right, she’d made sure of that, after picking it out herself. Unlike Remus’, which they still needed to fix — he went without until then.

The process of fixing it was slow, just like everything to do with their engagement. She’d barely gotten anywhere. Remus wanted to wait until Lily and James were done. She didn’t argue, it made sense.

The front door opened, she could hear Remus coming in. Tonks perked up, standing with her tea mug still clasped, she walked to the entrance, leaning against the wall to take in her fiancé.

His chestnut curls wind-blown from the walk home, in a faded brown jumper with a jacket overtop, currently taking off his old hiking boots. He should get new ones, every time Tonks saw them they seemed more worn than before, barely holding together. In no time, the soles would be coming off completely.

He looked up at her, face flushed from the chill, the same scar as always running over his nose. He’d gotten it when he was young, falling down a flight of stairs. He’d told Tonks that much about his childhood.

“Did you have a fun day? The kids were good?”

Remus smiled, and he came over to kiss her on the cheek. His lips were cold, and Tonks watched him rub the back of his neck.

“They’re already excited for Christmas. December comes and it’s impossible to get them to focus on anything. Let alone the reading they're meant to do.”

“They always love what you teach them. They love you, Mr. Lupin.” Tonks smiled, and he shrugged back, walking into the kitchen.

“The kettle’s still hot,” Tonks told him, and she watched his face light up.

“You’re an angel, I swear.” He went to the cabinets, getting himself his own mug and setting about making tea. The only thing he put in was honey, a whole lot of honey.

“It’s getting cold already,” Tonks informed him, “I thought you’d need something to keep warm. Can’t let you get a cold, not before the wedding anyway.”

He gave her a strange look, before seeming to realise she was talking about James and Lily’s wedding. He let out a chuckle.

“Might be better. I’m not looking forward to all that. The suit, the people, everyone watching. I have never wanted to be a groomsman.”

“Just wait until you’re the groom.”

Remus took a long drink from his tea, not responding directly as his eyes scanned the room. Two years of home-making, two years of getting ready for a future together. They had a framed photo on the counter of them a year back, their first Christmas spent together — he’d been evasive the first year, and he’d been off on some family trip with the Potters the year prior. But last year he’d had nowhere to run. She’d gotten him, eventually. That was how it always worked out.

Nyphadora Tonks was going to marry Remus Lupin, because she’d earned it. She’d tied him down with hard-work and determination. She’d caught the uncatchable. Lily had warned her at the beginning, said it was impossible, but she’d done it. After four years, she’d done it.

“How’s your work been going?” Remus asked, when the quiet had lasted too long. Sometimes it stretched, and those times she could sense him thinking about something. He worried too much, he’d always been a worrier. It was why she was good for him, sometimes people like Remus needed a push to get out of their shell.

“Work is going well. I’ve gotten through a good amount, but it’s… a lot. I needed a break.”

“I need a break too. I just wish we didn’t have to go to that party tonight.” Remus sighed. “I love Lily and James, but…”

“It’s a tradition, isn’t it?” Tonks shook her head, “We can show our faces for a bit, just a half an hour. I know you want to see them.”

Remus sighed again, and then he rubbed his face, scratching at his nose with annoyance.

“Just a bit,” he nodded. “I guess the worst part of the wedding hasn’t even begun yet. The month’ll get a lot worse.”

He chuckled dryly and drank his tea.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tonks frowned, wondering over the bitterness in his tone.

He shook his head back, and she knew that gesture by heart now — a sign he would not talk about it now, nothing she could say would make him. She resisted the urge to drop her shoulders, to pout.

He’d tell her eventually. That was how this worked. He was simply a hard person to know. She’d gotten this far by waiting and staying at his side. What was a bit longer? She’d know by the very end of the month, at least.

Once the wedding was over, she’d know.

Tonks had her life figured out from a young age. She had known what she wanted, and she’d done what was needed to get it. And so, at eighteen, when she’d seen a man walk into her 20th Century Literature class, with honey-brown hair and a scar over her nose, she’d known what she wanted.

Twenty-one, in his third year at Uni while she began her first, he had a lot to say in the class. She’d heard his quiet commentary, even if he didn’t raise his hand a lot. When he did, though, he was right most of the time. And he seemed sweet.

So she went out of her way to talk to him. She went out of her way to invite him to study outside of class, just as friends, with groups. She asked him about the classwork and she learned what she could.

He was studying English and education, he wanted to be a teacher. He didn’t like STEM classes but his best friend was a genius studying biology, and he was kind in a way most weren’t. He cared in a quiet way, stopping to help a kid who dropped his things. He let her talk and he listened in a way no one had listened before.

So she decided, she made up her mind. Tonks wanted him for her future, he was going to be a part of it. She asked him out, and he said yes. She invited him to dinner, he said yes. She told him she wanted to be exclusive, to date, and he said yes.

And on and on. She asked to move in together, she made out plans for their future, and he nodded. She pushed, and he went along with it. She pulled, and he relented. Even if sometimes they came upon barriers, even if he was known to retreat into himself, to hide from commitment and intimacy when things got hard, she wouldn’t let him. She pulled him out.

Remus was a hard person to love, he’d said as much, but he was worth it. And the years had been worth it, all leading up to when she’d asked him about marriage and he’d said no. And when she’d asked him about marriage and he’d said maybe, or when she’d insisted on marriage and he’d said yes.

She had him, she had her future. She had everything planned out, her happily ever after. His happily ever after, if he’d let himself have it. She still worried sometimes, late at night. He was known to self-sabotage, to fear the feelings he had. But she knew what was best for him and for them.

She did her hair in the bathroom, using just enough product to add texture. She’d died it a bubblegum pink about a month prior, and the roots were already beginning to show through. She hadn’t gotten it re-done just yet, she enjoyed the messy look.

Finished, she took in her reflection. Twenty-two years old and still with the youthful glint in her eyes. She was younger than most of the people around her, and three years still felt like a lot. People heard she was getting married, and they told her she was too young.

Ears pierced up the sides, with a septum in and a fitted dress. She’d throw her leather jacket on over it, a red one she’d found in some old thrift store. She had heels to match. It was more femme than usual, but she liked playing dress-up on occasion. She liked the way Remus looked at her in these kinds of clothes too.

She left the toilet, finding Remus sitting on the bed. He’d put on a simple jumper, it was green. She thought it was meant to be festive. Beyond that, he’d done nothing more.

“Ready?”

He nodded. He hadn’t looked at her yet, still staring out the window. He’d smoked when they’d first met, smoked enough to turn his lungs black. Now he only did weed on occasion. But he looked like he was missing the motions now, fingers tapping against his knee.

Tonks waited a second more, crossing her arms. She didn’t know what he was thinking, clearing her throat and his eyes snapped to her. He looked at her face, and then finally down at the outfit.

“You look fit.”

“Cheers.”

He stood, and he rubbed his face again.

“Really, what are you so nervous about, Remus?”

“Not this. It’s just a party.” He responded. “My head’s just elsewhere tonight. But this’ll be fine. Get it done, and get the month done too.”

He leaned over to kiss her, and it was chaste. Nothing more, no more comments about the outfit. He was truly having a bad night, and Tonks wanted to push it. She bit it back, though, as Remus took her hand and walked to the door.

At least the party could clear her head a bit.

The car ride over was quiet. Remus was staring out the window with a far-off look, and Tonks was beginning to wonder if she should ask more questions.

She didn’t. He’d had these moments even worse when they’d first met back in uni. She’d tried yanking the truth out of him then, and he hadn’t talked to her for a week. She’d had to apologise, in the end.

She never did find out what he’d been upset about. Not that it mattered four years later.

Tonks put on music, switching through radio stations while her eyes remained on the road. The sky was dark already, she wasn’t used to how quickly the days grew shorter.

The drive wasn’t long at least, their flat was just on the edge of the village, in a newer building that had sprung up despite the village’s disdain for it. So they’d only be stuck with about ten minutes of silence.

On the radio, she switched to a Christmas station, playing covers. Currently, it was Sirius Black’s rendition of Last Christmas, a rock cover with just as much glam-rock influence as everything he released.

“God, not this,” Remus shook his head, and Tonks bit back a smile. She’d never understood his disdain for the musician.

“What is it, then? It’s a good cover.” Tonks asked as she turned the dial, relenting. She didn’t need an argument.

“It’s not my thing. And his voice is just…” Remus shook his head. “Most of his songs are pretentious, he sings about himself.”

“Terrible. No singer should ever write about themselves. Or make albums about themselves. Only about other people.”

Remus eyed her, and then he shook his head.

“I just don’t like it. It’s nonsense. It’s not real rock anyway.”

“Oh, right. Never listen to anything made past the 90s, right?”

Remus frowned, and she snickered back.

“It’s fine, love. I’d have left you if I cared you were a pretentious fucker.”

She reached out, all while watching the road, and patted him on the shoulder. Still, from the corner of her eye, she could see him grimace, deciding to look at his phone instead.

Sirius

The party was a tradition, apparently. Sirius had known about it in passing, but he hadn’t been around for it. A friends-gathering held at the Potters’ house. They drank eggnog and they did gift-swaps and they listened to music and all around had a good time.

This year it fell earlier than ever, because this year the wedding would take up their time before Christmas. And so the party came at the beginning of the month, with the decorations going up and James and Lily putting on matching ugly sweaters, ones James had chosen himself.

Harry went to stay with Lily’s sister for the night, and Sirius put on eyeliner and one of the red shirts he’d brought — which was a bit mesh and a bit fitted and had a sparkle in dim lights. It might be too much, but he was too much.

“Trying to impress anyone?” James asked when he appeared from his room, having fixed his hair a bit as well. Sirius shook his head. He frowned.

“Who?”

When James smiled, Sirius felt his stomach twist. He had not been doing this to impress someone, but that was because he’d not been expecting anyone. Least of all those who hated parties.

“I didn’t realise he was coming.”

“Just for a bit. He’ll leave early, if you want to avoid him the whole time. But Sirius, you’ll have to talk to him eve—”

Sirius was saved by the first knock to the door, making his escape to the kitchen. He got wine instead of eggnog, it would be a long night.

He winked at Lily when she caught him, and she shook her head.

“The party’s barely begun,” She tisked, “no problems.”

“I can behave. I’m not twenty-one anymore.”

She shrugged, appearing no more convinced, and then went to great guests. Sirius watched from the kitchen, peering out as more poured in. They had too many friends — and family members. The whole of the Potter clan and a few of Lily’s cousins as well. All greeting them and thanking them and handing over presents.

People Sirius hadn’t seen in years, old classmates James and Lily had caught up with. He had to shove his shoulders back to avoid the queasiness, and he was smiling by the time he was noticed by the first.

“Peter Fucking Pettigrew,” He smirked, watching the man come into the kitchen just to get water, drinking from the tap. “I haven’t seen you in what? Three years?”

“Something like that,” Peter looked around. He was wearing a button-up with a tie and black slacks, as if he’d just gotten off from work. His hair was slicked back. “I’ve seen you a lot though, on the telly.”

“Sure, but it’s not the same. That me’s for show, he only exists with the camera on. Not the real me.”

Peter shook his head.

“You’ve always been about the show.” He smiled. “It’s where I expected you’d end up. We all ended up where I expected, except maybe…”

He glanced his way, pausing as if the name was unspeakable — a ghost better ignored. Sirius set his jaw and looked away.

“Yeah, I heard about that engagement. Who would have thought? I’m happy for the lucky bird. She’s got a long life ahead of her.”

“She’s at least expected.” Peter added, “you’ll see when you meet her, he’s got a type. She’s— well, she isn’t bad.”

He shook his head, and then his phone rang. Cursing under his breath, he picked it up, hurrying out of the room. Sirius watched him go, getting the sense it was a call about work. He’d heard from James that was all the man talked about nowadays, lost to the horrors of capitalism.

They’d been close once.

Sirius decided to get out of the kitchen, but not before downing the rest of his wine. Being here was depressing him, somehow things had changed too much and not enough at the same time. He’d be happier finding the village unrecognisable, everyone he ever knew gone.

But instead, they were the same but older. He was different. He was the one weathered and shaped into something new.

Crossing his arms, he moved deeper into the house, stopping by the door of the sitting room. As he looked in, he could see an old Christmas movie was playing on the telly, the sound too low for anyone to hear. They were laughing and being merry and doing all they should be for Christmas.

Someone had even gotten out a bit of mistletoe, setting it up over the doorway into the far corridor.

Maybe he’d stand under the mistletoe, see if he could find someone for the night. They’d go to his room or lock themselves in the toilet for a bit — blow off some steam.

He got more wine, needing it to keep him going. He didn’t actually feel in the mood for all this — not even the shacking up. Mostly, he was bitterly working through all the changes, and dreading the arrival he knew was coming.

He wished there was dancing, but this was not a club, nor one of the bashes he’d been to. There was no bouncer at the door or illegal substances and no dance floor with bodies pressing together.

Worst of all, there was no anonymity.

“Sirius?”

He turned to find a woman staring at him, for a second wondering if he knew her. He frowned, taking in her features. Dark skin and braids, wearing a red dress with a cardigan over top.

“Sirius Black?”

She repeated his full name this time, and he realised she was not someone from his past. She was a fan.

His smile widened, winking at her.

“The one and only. Who are you?”

“Mary Macdonald,” She nodded off toward where Lily and James stood by the tree. “I’m the wedding planner. Lily invited me here for the night but I’m not sure how long I’d stay. I don’t want to overstep. I didn’t realise they knew a celebrity.”

“I’m not a celebrity here, just a friend.”

“That’s kind.” Mary nodded, and then she fidgeted, “So about taking a photo…”

Sirius rolled his eyes, and then he nodded. Why not? It was one question, and one person. There couldn’t be that many other strangers around.

“Fine, but don’t be too loud about it. I don’t want to be swarmed.”

“Of course. My sister is just such a big fan, and she’d lose her mind if she saw I met you.”

Mary took out her phone, and they took a quick photo together. She smiled at Sirius, and he gave her one of his best smiles back.

“You’re more charming in person,” She admitted, “I mean— every time I’ve seen an interview, you’ve got a bit of snark too you. A certain self-confidence. It works, but here you seem more… human.”

“That tends to be the thing. Celebrities really are just humans up close.” He nodded deeper into the crowd of the party. “I’m going too—”

“Of course, right,” Mary waved him off, “Go have fun. You deserve to be a normal person for the night, go be just a friend.”

He left her, finding a new spot by the window, looking down on the street. As he did, he caught sight of two people entering from the doorway.

Remus was there.

He hadn’t changed that much. He only looked older. In a green jumper that seemed like something he’d owned at eighteen. The same curls, the same freckled skin, the same lankiness. He was the same, and he was standing there with the awkwardness Sirius had known so well, nervous to be in a place with so many people.

Sirius held his wineglass tighter, and he watched Remus get led deeper into the room, watched the hand gripping his arm like an owner taking a dog out on a leash. He tilted his head to the side.

Remus at twenty-five was something hard to look away from, giving closed-lipped smiles to anyone who greeted him, eyes downcasted. He was a memory, the same but older, just like everyone else.

Sirius wondered what he’d see when he looked over. Would he see a version of Sirius he’d known, or something entirely new? Sirius straightened, he leaned back into a faux state of relaxation, and then he ran a hand through his hair.

Bringing the wine glass to his lips, he thought about looking away, putting on a wistful far-away expression of someone who did not care, but he could not bring himself too. He could not drag his eyes from Remus as he drank him in.

His stomach twisted something painful, and hurt was a thing that never died. He felt it in him, felt it crashing through him at the sight of Remus’ face. The last time he’d seen him, they’d both been crying something awful, eyes red and faces flushed from it.

Now, Remus looked fine. It had been seven years, he should be fine. Seven fucking years, maybe he’d have forgotten Sirius entirely.

And then Remus looked at him. He looked, and their eyes met from across the room, a distance that should have been great but felt tiny. Sirius realised a couple things then.

One: Remus had growing lines over his forehead from furrowing his brow. They would get worse as he aged, Sirius had known it would happen. He’d told him so back when they were young. And he’d been right.

Two: Remus’ eyes were the same, and that was terrible. Because his eyes had always been too nice, a pale brown with hints of gold, lighter around the pupils. Sirius had spent too long getting lost in those eyes as a kid.

Three: Remus Lupin had a type. Peter had been right, the woman had jagged-cut bangs and hair dyed such a hot pink it looked like a biohazard. She was in a leather jacket and she was grinning at someone across the room with a confidence that Remus had always been drawn too. He liked them loud, because that was everything he wasn’t. He wanted someone like Sirius, and he’d gotten that, and Sirius could feel it. He could feel it.

And four: The best observation. Seven years had not washed away Remus’ feelings either, because he stopped dead. He stopped moving for a second, eyes widening almost imperceptibly. He swallowed, and Sirius watched his throat bob. He watched the fear and the hurt and the thousands of other emotions wash over his face, gone in seconds. But Sirius knew him well enough to see. He knew him well enough to watch his eyes as they roamed his face, his clothing.

He watched him swallow again, and look away quickly — all before his fiancée could notice. He followed after her quickly — deeper into the crowds — and Sirius drank more of his wine. He felt like laughing to himself, a slow smile forming.

This had proven all his earlier thoughts, everything he’d known but not said aloud. Because the woman was nothing, his fiancée was nothing, and Remus would break her into pieces. He had not changed, and he never would, and those seconds of eye contact had made something solidify. Sirius could feel it, the spark between them.

Sirius still had that power over him, he could feel it even separated between dozens of bodies. And he could make him pay just a little. He could get this over with before the woman was heartbroken and show what he was — who he was. Sirius could have the man eating out of his hands by the end of the month.

And then he’d crush him, revenge finally had. He’d crush him, and he’d leave him alone to think about what he’d done. All the terrible things he’d done.

Remus

Sirius was there.

Remus stared down at the eggnog Tonks had gotten him, the off-white surface reflecting the lights overhead, the glimmer of them wrapped around the tree.

James had said he was coming in next week. Remus could have sworn that was the plan, he’d been counting on it. If he had come next week, Remus would have been prepared. He’d have kept his face blank, he’d have stuffed down the conflict of emotions now raging within him.

Sirius was there. He was there, and he looked like every magazine cover Remus had tried to ignore, every interview he’d flipped past on the telly or seen clips of online, only to click not interested as quickly as possible.

He looked like a star, like the celebrity Tonks liked, like the musician that was set to win his first grammy, nominated for best new artist. Seven Years, and his hair was longer, and he’d begun wearing platformed shoes which made him appear at least a few centimetres taller, and he had a smirk on, chatting up someone across the room, near the mistletoe.

Remus wasn’t staring. He didn’t stare, and he didn’t want Tonks to catch him staring. He didn’t want to explain anything to her, because he didn’t know how to.

Surprise, I hid an ex from you for four years! And he’s a celebrity, an extremely hot, extremely charismatic celebrity…

And what would he say about why? He couldn’t say it was because he’d assumed she’d think he was lying, because he had pictures — ones he’d hidden, but he had them. And besides, Sirius hadn’t been a household name in their Uni days, he’d released one album that had done enough to pay the rent but not much more. He was not a celebrity you lied about fucking back then.

Remus didn’t drink his eggnog. He didn’t think he could. He squinted across the room at Sirius, watching him brush hair out of his face. He was in a red top that was tighter than it had any right to be, and it shimmered sometimes, and it made his skin look like porcelain. Remus wished he’d looked nothing like those photos, he didn’t like looking at him at all.

“Is that Sirius Black?”

Tonks had noticed him. Remus looked her way to find her gawking, mouth parted into a small ‘o’. He wanted to tell her to look away, that nothing good came by going near Sirius, but he could not.

The lyrics of that damn song in the car were in his head again. He wondered why Sirius had done the cover, if it meant anything to him. Probably not, they’d both moved on. Remus had never asked James, but he’d heard one of the kids at school talking about Sirius once — strange as that was. From what they said, Sirius got around, a line of broken hearts in his wake and a song for each.

Tonks turned towards him, gripping his arm, already pulling.

“I didn’t know James and Lily knew him. Remus, it’s Sirius Black. We have to talk to him. I mean bloody hell!”

She shook her head, covering her mouth to hide a smile, and then tugged him along.

Remus had gone silent, dead silent. His throat might have closed up completely, and he didn’t think he could talk, and he didn’t think he wanted to. What to say?

Yes, I did know they knew Sirius Black. I knew he was coming. I used to date him. We were in love, and then he left. He left to become famous, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be in the spotlight like that, I couldn’t even hold his hand in public. And so it ended. I can never look at him again. I can’t even hear his music without thinking about—

He said nothing, and Tonks took him through the room, through the people, all the way to Sirius. By then, Remus was well and truly on the way to being sick, and he was watching Sirius turn, watching his eyes meet theirs.

Sirius smiled, a wide smile that took over his face. Eyebrows raising, a glint in his eyes. It was not the smile of someone heartbroken, but it was not friendly either.

Remus had known this man for seven years prior to their split, from eleven to eighteen, seven years together. He knew every expression, every faucet of him — or he had, once. So he knew this one. Even after years away, he recognised this.

It was Sirius at his worst, it was a viperous look. When he wanted blood and decided to play with his food. It was mischievous, but it was the cruel kind, and Remus was stopped dead by it. He was unable to speak at all, as he stood and he watched his fiancée smile at his ex boyfriend and knew he was well and truly fucked.

“Hi,” Sirius said, his voice having pitched lower. He was going right for flirting, looking from Tonks to Remus. Remus did not meet his eyes, he stared at a point in the wall instead, ignoring the lilt of Sirius’ voice — back in the day, he’d have done anything Siruis asked so long as he said it like that.

“I’m Tonks, I’m just such a fan.” Tonks stuck out her hand, beaming at him. “Really and truly. I’ve listened to most of your albums, even if he hates them. He’s pretentious, though.”

She nudged Remus, who realised she wanted him to say his name. He didn’t, he stood frozen. He stared at the place where her hand was touching Sirius’, at the rings on his fingers — many of them, and a tiny stick-and-poke tattoo at his wrist of a moon. It made his throat hurt to see. Remus had been there for that one, it hadn’t changed. The ones peeking out from his shirt sleeve were definitely new, though.

“He does?” Sirius asked, when the quiet went on too long. “So you’re…” he tailed off, and Tonks went pink.

“I’m just… well, he’s best friends with James and Lily, and I’m his fiancée. We’ve been engaged for only a little while, but we’ve been together for four years.”

“Four years. Well, fuck. I don’t think any relationship I’ve been in has lasted that long. Good for you. The happy couple. He’ll treat you right, I hope.” he winked at Tonks, and she let out a small laugh, sending Remus a look.

Obviously, for her look, she hadn’t expected the flattery, or any of Sirius’ dripping charisma. Remus couldn’t respond to her, busy watching Sirius, watching his smirk. He was having fun, at least, even if it felt laced with underlying emotion.

“How do you know James and Lily?” Tonks went on. “I think Remus has been friends with them since school.”

“Same here,” Sirius said, “ I grew up here. I’m surprised the village doesn’t boast about it a bit more.”

Tonks blinked, and Remus knew Sirius was doing this on purpose, realised she didn’t know and decided to break the news in the worst way possible. His smile widened.

“Did he never tell you?” Sirius made a face. “Well, that’s a shame. We did know each other a bit, crossed paths a few times. It comes with living in a small village like this. But I guess his hatred of my music made it hard for him to admit.”

Tonks laughed awkwardly, and then Sirius gave her another smirk, pointing a finger at her.

“But I like you,” he declared. “It’s nice seeing a new face, everyone else is the same. You’ve got confidence. You’ll be good for the group. We should get to know each other more. I can let you listen to some of my music, sometime. Or better yet, we can all get together, reminisce about the past. You think your fiancé could get over whatever complex he has.”

He glanced at Remus with a half-smirk, a look that made Remus feel like they were sharing an inside-joke. He narrowed his eyes back, not liking the feeling he was being mocked, not liking the feeling Tonks was being mocked.

“That would be—” Tonk’s eyes had widened, all her earlier apprehensions after realising Remus and Sirius had met were gone. “I would actually love that. It would be good to hear about Remus’ childhood, I hear a bit from James and Lily but mostly it’s just… crickets.”

“He is like that, isn’t he?” Sirius smirked again, before downing the wine in his hands. He winked at her. “Take care, good luck on the wedding planning, and good luck with that one. Always a runner.”

He left, and Tonks frowned. Remus was staring at his feet.

“You know him.”

Remus shrugged, and he watched her frown.

“Do I have to ask him about it, then?”

“I’d rather you didn’t talk to him at all.”

“I’m sorry?”

When he looked up, her eyes had narrowed considerably, and Remus resisted the urge to step back, sensing he’d just stepped in it.

He went on anyway.

“He’s up to something. He’s trying to mess with me. I don’t know what he wants, but it’s not good. He’ll try and hurt us both, I think.”

“What are you talking about?” Tonks crossed her arms. “He was completely nice! He invited us out to talk. Why would you—”

“Because he hates me,” Remus hissed. “And because I know him. I know how he is, and he hates me. I saw the way he looked at me too, that’s— that’s pure hatred. I know how he is, and I know when he’s up to something.”

“How? All the times his songs came on, all the times, and you never once even hinted at—”

“Because it hurt too much.” Remus spit out, throwing his hands out. A couple stopped talking close to them, and he lowered his voice. “We were together, okay? Our breakup was pretty shit, and he left for London, and I haven’t seen him since. Not in seven years. Why bring it up? It’s the past.”

Tonk’s lips had pulled thin.

“And no one thought to tell me, not once? No one ever thought to mention who your ex was?”

“We weren’t— people didn’t know we were dating, and once he was famous it felt a little like a faux-pas to start talking about it.”

“Rubbish. That’s absolute rubbish. Don’t start, Remus.” She shook her head. “And— what, does that make you the one he wrote all those songs about? The— the closeted bloke?”

Remus groaned, shaking his head.

“I can’t do this right now.”

“No you never can, can you? It’s always later, it’s always not right now, Tonks. Let’s talk about this later, Tonks. Let’s just forget it happened, Tonks. You never want to talk about—”

He took a step back, and another, avoiding her eyes even as her voice got louder. Still feeling a bit ill, he hurried out of her sight, ducking off to the corridor leading to the tiolet.

Once there, he locked himself in. Staring at his reflection, he splashed water on his face. He was flushed, panicked and unsure what to do. His ex — who was obviously planning something terrible — was back, and now his girlfriend was pissed at him.

Or not his girlfriend, his fiancée. He was still bad at remembering that.

He took a breath, and then squeezed his eyes shut. Trying to get Sirius out of his head, like a demon who’d taken over his thoughts. Like he was possessed. He didn’t want to react like this — to feel like this — he could just turn it all off.

Sirius couldn’t fuck with him if he just didn’t care.

Sucking in a breath, Remus nodded. He made the decision. He had a happy, loving, relationship. He was happy. He was fucking happy.

Remus reached for the doorknob and yanked it open, taking a step out and almost slamming right into Sirius Black.

Sirius snickered, as Remus stumbled back and wiped his face again, feeling the heat beginning to grow, lowering down his neck. He looked at him, at the shirt.

It was cropped enough to show a sliver of skin, the lower part of his stomach. Remus did everything he could not to stare, not at his eyes, not at his stomach, and certainly not at the hand he had reached out to grip Remus’ side, steadying himself from falling after the near-collision.

“You seem to be in a panic.”

The voice was the same, he was still fucking with Remus. Despite himself, Remus looked, caught immediately in silver eyes.

He set his jaw, watching and feeling as Sirius withdrew his hand, giving Remus a once over.

“Your girlfriend doesn’t know about me.”

“Stay away from her,” Remus responded gruffly, frowning. He watched Sirius’ smile widen. It reminded him of a cat, a cat watching a mouse, as its paw slowly reached out to swipe.

“I’m just looking out for her. I worry. I know how you are better than anyone, and I worry you’ll leave her on the altar. Rush off to hide away again.”

“I’ve grown up since we were eighteen.”

Sirius leaned in, holding his gaze. Remus knew he should step back, but he didn’t. He was frozen completely still, watching Sirius look him over, eyes scanning his face, tracing out freckles.

And down his neck, taking in the flush. The feeling of the look was enough to heat his skin, terrible as it was. Remus felt his heartbeat grow more uneven with each second.

Sirius tilted his head to the side, and Remus finally remembered how to move, taking a shaky step backwards.

“Are you sure?” Sirius whispered, and Remus didn’t look at him. He stared anywhere but at him.

“Don’t fucking do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

Remus glared, and Sirius leaned back against the wall. The distance was greater, but it didn’t feel like it.

“Stay away. I’m not— I’m happy now, and I want her, and I love her. Whatever you’re thinking right now, stop.”

“How many times do you say it before it comes true? Are you trying to will it into existence? I see you.” Sirius smirked. “I feel it, in the air right now. Do you feel it, Remus? I feel your eyes on me, I felt them all night. You could never hide how much you stare.”

“I’m terrified of you, that’s all. And—”

“And what?” Sirius hissed right back at him, eyes narrowing. “And what? You think I could fuck your life up as much as you fucked mine? You better hope not. Just know, Remus, that your fiancée is going to have questions if you keep looking at me like that. Better keep your head in check. I might not have to do anything at all.”

He stood again, and then without warning reached out to brush a curl from Remus’ face. The shock of it kept him still the entire time, like he’d been paralysed as Sirius smiled. With a finger, he tiled Remus’ chin so their eyes met.

“We both know you’re not meant for this. What does she want, to settle down? A kid, two kids? A dog, a mortgage? Don’t make me laugh. We’ve never been meant for that, Remus.”

“Have you really been writing songs about me?” Remus asked before he could stop himself, watching Sirius’ smile fall for a second. He seemed surprised by the question.

Stepping back, he let out a small laugh.

“You’re asking? Go find your fiancée, Lupin. And I’ll see you for wedding planning.”

He winked, and he left, and Remus stood there a second more. His heart was hammering, and he hated the foggy feeling in his head, the jelly of his legs, the way adrenaline was coursing through him.

Sirius Black had always had that effect, he’d just hoped to be over it. He’d given up smoking a few years after they’d called things off, but this felt like being stuck with a pack of already-lit cigarettes right before him, the smell of smoke bringing back memories.

But he was happy, and he was engaged, and he was over him. So it didn’t matter, he’d just resist.

Like every other addiction in his life, he knew Sirius only brought destruction.

“You told me next week.” Remus frowned at James, watching as his best friend frowned back.

“I did. But he ended up moving the trip up last minute.”

“Last minute when?”

James scrunched up his face.

“Like a week ago.”

“And you never thought to tell me?”

They were both in a corner of the sitting room. James had a beer in hand, he hated eggnog. He looked a bit sloshed already, but at least he appeared a little sorry along with it.

“I didn’t think it would be a problem. You knew he was coming, and you have Tonks now. It’s all in the past, right?”

“You know he doesn’t think of it like that. He’s already— he’s trying to start something, and he was saying things to Tonks and now she’s upset.”

“Where is she?”

“I don’t know. We were arguing, and I couldn’t deal with it so I walked off.”

“So you ran away.” James sighed. “I’ll talk to Sirius, but honestly you should think about being more honest. We’ve all been careful about Sirius around her. It seemed like— I’m not sure you ever mentioned him.”

“He’s just someone from my past, why would I?”

James sighed again.

“I’ll talk to him.” He left Remus to stand on his own glumly, wondering what to do with himself. He drank his eggnog, and then made a face. Setting it down on the nearest side-table, he went to the kitchen to get some water instead.

He was tired of drinking anyway, he didn’t like what it did to his head.

Tonks

The kitchen was a good place to think, which Tonks greatly needed. Her emotions were a whirlwind. One second, Tonks was meeting a celebrity she’d looked up to, the next she was learning her fiancé and him had a long — and seemingly intense — history.

She needed a damn drink. Finding the wine left out, she poured herself as much as the glass would hold, deciding not to feel self-conscious about it. She’d just raised the glass to her lips when she heard a chuckle.

Turning, she found Sirius Black there again, still glittering like someone who’d walked right out of a photo shoot. He leaned against the counter, looking her over.

His smile was friendly, but he had a presence that intimidated. It made her uneasy, unsure what he wanted.

“Really living it up tonight, huh? Christmas parties aren’t always the place you try and black out.”

“Depends on the kind.”

He chuckled.

“That’s right. I once went to a party at some influencer’s house, they had a man dressed up as Santa just to strip. It’s basically the only thing I remember about the night.”

“Never been to something like that. I think I’d need to be richer.”

“It’s not a rich thing, it’s a celebrity thing,” Sirius sighed, and he gave her another smirk. “They always need to make things bigger, and they’re always running from the quiet. Lucky I’m not like that, right?”

He chuckled again, and she got the sense he was being sarcastic.

“I know about you and Remus now.”

“I know, we saw each other in the corridor. He seemed to be panicking in the loo about it.”

Tonks tapped her wine glass, not sure why that left her uneasy. She shrugged.

“Well, I do know. And to be clear, I don’t hate you or anything. Despite whatever happened between you. I know how Remus is, and I’ve listened to some of your songs…”

Sirius chuckled again.

“Oh, trust me, I’m not worried. I don’t really think he hates me either, even if he wants to. It’s complicated, but it’s been seven years. Water under the bridge.”

He slid his hand through the air, mirroring the flow of water. Tonks smiled back, watching him tilt his head back.

“It’s a nice kind of drama, isn’t it? The useless kind. Everything here is so much smaller. No big scandals, no leaked nudes, just exes.”

“Just exes.” Tonks nodded, she watched him make a face.

“I never thought he’d get married. He hated everything to do with romance when we were together. It was just— we’d do stuff in secret, eventually with James and Lily knowing, but for him it was always something we needed to hide, something he was embarrassed off. He avoided it, and eventually I just— I couldn’t take it anymore. That’s the thing with him, you always have to push.”

“I’ve gotten used to it,” Tonks told him, lifting her chin. She felt confident in that much. “I can take that as my job. You have no idea how much I pushed him. I had to ask him three times to marry me before he said yes. I had to ask who knows how many times before he’d move in. I always push, and he loves it. I know he needs me to be the one to get him out of his shell, and I also know he wants it. This is what he wants, Sirius.”

The man nodded, and then he sighed.

“You’d know him better than me, I guess. I just know when we were together, he’d have ran from me in seconds if I ever offered marriage.”

“I guess that’s the difference between the person you end up with and the person you—”

Sirius’ expression changed. She noticed it at the same time someone came in, her words cut off. Something sharpened in the man’s eyes, like he’d been hurt. Perhaps it was a hurtful thing to say, she didn’t know.

She was the one who’d ended up with Remus, though.

But she didn’t have time to question the look, as just then Remus had appeared, pausing when he saw them both. His face went dark.

“What about stay away from her don’t you understand?”

“Hello again, Lupin. All three of us together. Might as well make it an occasion. We could share a toast.”

“I’m leaving.” Remus said, and then he looked at Tonks. He raised his eyebrows, and she almost refused, almost told him to take the keys himself. But instead, she sighed, letting her head tilt back.

“Fine.” she said, knowing she’d forced him to leave more than a couple parties before when she was sick of it.

Remus let out a long breath of relief, reaching out for her arm and all but pulling her away from Sirius. Remus shot him another glare as he took her from the room.

“By Lupin!”

Sirius called after them, and Remus said nothing, leading her back through the house.

“We can’t stay any longer. I’ll lose my mind. Why was he even talking to you?”

“Just talking about old times, about how he was surprised you’d get married to anyone. Made me feel a bit good, actually.”

“That’s probably his plan too.”

Tonks snorted again. If anything, she liked Sirius more than Remus that night. She shook his grip off of her.

“I don’t really want to leave.”

“We can talk in the car?” Remus gave her another pleading look, and she sighed.

She put her coat back on, and her shoes, and her scarf, and they walked to the car. Once in, she turned it on, waiting for it to warm up as she turned back towards Remus.

He was staring at his hands.

“Your ex boyfriend, the pop-star.” She repeated again. “The fucking icon, the white-boy-of-the-month for all of September.”

“He was just Sirius when I knew him.”

Tonks scoffed again.

“Unbe-fucking-leavable.” She said, “Would you have ever told me?”

“I didn’t want to. It wasn’t the proudest relationship of my life. I would have run from it forever.”

“He said as much before.”

Remus went quiet, and when she looked over he was sheepish, opening and closing his mouth.

“I don’t like it. I want— I can imagine what he said, but I don’t like not knowing.”

“Tough. I don’t like not knowing fundamental parts of your childhood, Remus. I don’t like being engaged to someone who won’t tell me shit about his life. How’s that fair?”

“Ask, then.” Remus mumbled the words, quiet enough she almost missed them.

“How long did you date?”

“Depends.”

“Depends?”

“It’s not a clear timeline. I guess— it was never quite platonic. We knew each other since eleven, and I think we first— well, I kissed him at a party when we were fifteen as a dare, but I don’t think we started shagging until sixteen so… maybe three years? We didn’t talk about it for the first year, and then… and then I was bad at talking for the last one.”

“Right, seven years of friendship, and you never said a thing. No wonder everyone’s so closed-lipped about your school years. You were all keeping this shit from me, your secret lover.”

“Tonks…”

“No.” She shot him a glare, turning the car on. “We can be done for the night. I’m sick of this anyway. Whatever, it’s done. He thinks it’s done, you say it’s done. You just can’t be bothered to tell me. I get it. Whatever. This is how it’s always been, hasn’t it? Whatever.”

She drove them both home, and Remus was quiet the entire time.

Chapter Text

Sirius

Seven years prior…

The room was too quiet. Sirius sat on his bed. Posters over the walls, the sun setting through the window. The sky was white, and Remus was staring into the middle distance.

“You could at least look at me when you say it,” Sirius said, watching Remus’ face, watching his expression fall. He’d known this was coming, but it didn’t stop the ache in his throat, the heaviness of his body. He braced for impact.

Remus rubbed his face, and still did not look at him.

“You’re going to London. You’re on to bigger and better things, Sirius.”

“Don’t pretend that’s it, Lupin. I’ve been losing you all year. I’ve felt it, I’ve known it was coming.”

“As if you wouldn’t have done this same thing, give it a couple days. You’ve been miserable too.”

“Because you’ve been pulling away!” Sirius stood, eyes narrowing. “Since the first time we kissed, you’ve been pulling away. I’ve spent the last three years fucking chasing you! And for what? For you to break it off because you’re scared to try long-distance? No.”

Sirius shook his head, stepping closer to Remus.

“I don’t think that’s it. I don’t think it’s just that. You’re afraid of me, always have been. You’re afraid to let me in, you’re afraid to be seen with me. You’re afraid of—”

“I told you I don’t like the judgement, Sirius. It’s a small village, people talk. And I don’t want to be a pariah.”

“Not like me.” Sirius shook his head. He let out a laugh. “You’re a fucking coward.”

“I can’t— I can’t follow you where you’re going Sirius. But I do love you.”

“Shut up.”

Remus flinched, but he kept talking.

“I can’t follow you. When you have your big break — and you will, we both know you’re made for it — I can’t handle it. I can’t be anywhere near that kind of spotlight.”

“I’d be the famous one, not you.”

“I couldn’t face it, being your boyfriend with everyone staring. I can’t—”

“You can barely be my boyfriend with ten people watching.” Sirius snarked, shaking his head. “You’re really going to just fucking leave?”

“I—” Reums’ eyes were beginning to shimmer. “If we can stay friends… I still want you in my life.”

Sirius let out a scoff that shook at the end, almost breaking into a sob. He covered his mouth, and he attempted to catch Remus’ eyes. He couldn’t, and that made him more angry.

Remus could at least look at the mess he’d made.

“No. You don’t get to— to break everything and then keep on like nothing’s wrong. You don’t get to do this to me, Remus. Three fucking years, and every day it was the same. Not yet Sirius. Not now Sirius. Looks like it was rubbish the whole time. All that time, telling me to wait for nothing! I was never going to be enough, I was always something to hide.”

He stepped back, wiping at his face.

“I was never enough for you, and now you’re going to dump me and keep on going. One less problem, right? One less thing to worry about. No more dealing with your dad’s reaction to you being a queer.”

“Sirius—”

He shook his head.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m being irrational. Three years of my life waisted, all because you kept— kept leading me on. I was never going to be enough. You must be so relieved that this gives you an excuse. You've been preparing to end this since it began, looking for something. Well you’ve got one! Have a good fucking life, far away from me. Get out of my house.”

Remus had tears going down his face. Finally he was looking at him, and Sirius took his chance to twist the knife in, to glare with everything he had.

“I don't want to see you ever again. Find someone else to play mind games with, Lupin. I don’t need you either.”

He turned away from him, keeping his voice steady just long enough for the words to leave. But then, after all that, his own tears began to fall, wiping them quickly. He pointed at the door, and he watched Remus.

His eyes were pleading, but Sirius ignored it. He simply waited, watching when Remus finally stepped back, leaving through the door and closing it behind him.

Then, and only then, Sirius let himself crumble back onto his bed, breaking down.

A knock sounded, Sirius looked up to see James standing in the doorway of his guest room. Changed for the night, Sirius sat in pyjama bottoms and a Queen shirt.

James looked at him, raising his eyebrows, and Sirius sighed.

“What?”

“Remus talked to me a bit at the party. He seems to think you’re messing with him.”

“I was being friendly. It's not my fault he doesn’t trust me.”

James gave him another look, and Sirius knew he saw right through him. Rubbing his face, he fell back on the bed.

A small room, with white walls and simple furniture. It was meant for guests, under-decorated compared to the rest of the cottage. The window by the side of the bed showed stars glittering up high.

Sirius looked at them instead of James, because they were easier. They didn’t judge him, just twinkled.

As a kid, he’d been afraid of stars — the namesakes of so many of his family members. It had felt like they were always watching. Now, after so long away from Grimmauld and the terrible memories, he almost enjoyed the idea. Let them stare down and be unable to stop anything he did.

Sometimes, Sirius simply existed out of spite. And he felt it now, still, in his stomach. Spite for his family, and most of all spite for Remus Lupin.

“His girlfriend didn’t know who I was.”

“I’ve heard her talk about your music before, I highly doubt that.”

“You know what I mean, James.”

Sirius looked his way again, watching James’ shoulders drop.

“Remus has had a hard time, since—”

Sirius huffed a laugh, shaking his head.

“Save the sob story. How am I supposed to— to think that’s a good idea, when he’s keeping secrets like that? He’s learned nothing.”

Sirius glowered at the stars, and James said nothing for a second.

“I guess it doesn’t matter what you think. And they work things out. She’s been good for him, helped settle him more. He was lost after you two ended. She tied him back down, like she’s the string and he’s the kite.”

“And we were both kites, right? When we were together, there was no one to keep us tied down.” Sirius asked, and James grimaced.

“I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about him. I’m happy for him. And it doesn’t really matter what you think anymore. Because your relationship is over, right?”

Sirius was silent, twisting at the cover sheet of his bed. He thought about Remus’ face, about the hazel of his eyes.

He was going to ruin him. He was going to do it just out of spite. And he’d prove to everyone — to James most of all — that the man had not changed.

The seconds in the corridor outside of the toilet, hearing Remus’ breath hitch as he leaned in, was all he needed to know. His flirting still worked, and so this was about Sirius. It was always about Sirius.

He was a terrible person — he knew that much. Half the country seemed to know that much — and half of America too. So what? Sirius could burn Remus’ little house down, and he thought Tonks might just be better for it.

“Sirius?”

He looked away from the stars, finding James’ brow drawn. “Tomorrow Remus is coming over to help out. He calms Lily’s nerves. Please just behave yourself. She needs less stress, not more. At the very least, don’t tell her about any of your issues right now. If she asks, you’re both over each other, and you think Tonks is brilliant, and you’re thinking about being the best man at their wedding too. Keep her happy for me.”

“Alright James.” Sirius smiled, “Whatever you want.”

Sirius took a shot of espresso in the morning, doing whatever he could to enliven himself.

The day just beginning, the sky outside grey and overcast. The temperature had dropped to a brisk 3 degrees.

This early in the morning, the streets outside were illuminated by Christmas lights, hanging off of roofs and wrapped around trees and bushes. They glowed golden compared to the grey around them, adding a bit of beauty to the landscape.

The Potter’s kitchen was quaint and small, with pastel blue tiles on the walls and sandy wood floors. The appliances were new, but the cabinets were older and creaked as the house settled. At some point, Harry had gotten crayon on the wall, and it was half-washing off.

A house that was lived in. Sirius was struck by the difference between his place in London and this. One designed by an expert, and another made up of memories.

Sirius’ flat felt sterile compared to this.

He had on a turtleneck and his leather jacket that morning, standing by the kitchen table and watching Lily as she opened a binder, showing off all the details of the wedding, the pictures of table set-ups and receipts for everything she’d bought.

The theme was simple, just a consistent colour scheme of red and gold.

“It’s for James, you know he loves red,” Lily explained, “And besides, it’s a winter wedding. That means we need to have a winter-esque style.”

“So it has nothing to do with it being our house colour scheme at school?” Sirius asked, and Lily shot him a look.

“We’ve already paid for the decorations, don’t test me, Black. Look, this here is the centrepiece.” She pointed to a picture of a vase filled with red tulips and smaller white flowers, with what seemed to be some mistletoe in the midst. “It’s simple, a bit understated. James wanted to put tiny christmas trees on every table, but that’s just… crass.”

“That sums him up well, though, doesn’t it? You’re marrying someone crass,” He cracked a smile, and Lily waited for his opinion free of snark. He looked back at the picture. “It looks beautiful, Lils.”

“Half of this is just from the wedding planner. She’s been such a help. She feels heaven-sent, honestly.” Lily sighed. “I don’t know if you’ve met her yet, she was at the party…”

“I have.”

Lily smiled.

“Good, because she’ll be here too. Everyone should, any second now.”

Sirius looked at the clock, finding it had just reached eight in the morning. An early start, but he knew James and Lily barely slept in. They were both type-A about everything.

“Mummy!”

Harry came into the room at that second, now dressed in his own christmas jumper — one with a reindeer on the front — nearly tripping in his rush to get over. He beamed at Sirius and Lily.

“I want breakfast.”

“You do?” Lily smiled, “Well, I think we can get you that.”

She turned to get a plate for him, having already made sausages and eggs for the entire household. Sirius, meanwhile, decided to check his phone, finding a few texts from Marlene but nothing more.

“I wanted to take you to the venue today.” Lily went on, “It’ll be good for you to see beforehand. Besides that, we’ve mostly just got errands to run. I have a final fitting for my dress in about a week, just to make tweaks. And the flowers should be ready soon enough for my bouquet…”

She groaned.

“Just thinking about everything makes me queasy.”

She set a plate down for Harry, toast with jam and some sausages. He began to devour it immediately just as a knock sounded on the door.

“That must be them,” Lily’s face lightened, and she hurried off to answer the door. Pausing for a second, Sirius followed at her heels.

On the other side of the door, Mary Macdonald was standing with a phone in hand, giving Lily a grin as she stepped through, taking her shoes off.

Lily shut the door behind her

“Hello, good to see you. I’ve just got word from the venue, and we can walk through today. No events, so we’ll only see the groundskeepers. Hello again.”

She smiled directly at Sirius, and he smiled back.

“Hello. Good to meet in a more casual setting.”

“Right, yes.” Mary laughed, “My sister is absolutely beside herself that I met you without her. I might just have to ask you to visit sometime, give her a hello.”

Sirius shrugged. He didn’t like doing house calls, but he should keep the wedding planner happy — if she was helping Lily, he had to.

“Maybe.”

She sighed.

“Thank you.”

Another knock sounded, no more than thirty seconds after Lily had closed the door behind Mary. She opened it to reveal Remus. Just him this time, no fiancée to speak of.

He was in another jumper, a worn looking jacket over top and faded jeans. He looked dishevelled — as he usually did. His hair was tousled like he’d just woken up.

Sirius watched him in silence, as Lily beckoned Remus in.

“No need to take the jacket off. We’re leaving soon, after Harry eats and once James is out of the shower. We’re showing Sirius the venue, and then it’s just basic errands. Is Tonks not coming?”

“She has a deadline, editing stuff.”

Lily grimaced like she knew what he meant, and Sirius forced himself to smile.

“That’s a shame.” He leaned back against the wall, attempting to appear casual, “I hope you’re not keeping her away. It would be nice to get to know her more. We talked a bit last night.”

Remus frowned at him. He obviously hadn’t gotten a talking to from James yet.

“I heard about that.”

“It was nice!” Sirius held up his hands. “Really, Lupin. I’m trying to make nice with you now. I’m just here to support James and Lily. Pretend we’ve never even met before.”

He held out a hand.

“Sirius Black. Famous rock-star.”

“Do rock-stars even exist anymore? And you’re not punk enough to be rock, you’re just a pop-star with rock aesthetics.”

“Well, either way, it’s good to meet you. What was your name again?” Sirius smiled, and Lily rolled her eyes, and Mary just looked confused.

“I’m not playing games, Sirius.”

“I’m not either. I’m trying to get to know a stranger. A handsome stranger, I suppose, but I think I see an engagement ring on your finger, pity.”

Sirius looked down, only to realise Remus did not have an engagement ring on his finger. He frowned, actually thrown for a second, as Remus cleared his throat and pulled back.

“It doesn’t fit yet. Tonks got us the rings, and it was a bit big. I need to have it fitted, is all. Until then, I’m without. Still taken, though.”

“Of course. Pity.” Sirius said, “I always liked the ones I couldn’t have.”

He winked, Lily glared at him, and Remus stared at the ceiling.

“What happened to what we talked about last night?”

Sirius turned to find James standing by the doorway to the kitchen, hair still wet. Harry was clinging to his side, having apparently finished eating. James was frowning directly at Sirius.

“I said to play nice.”

“This is nice.”

“You are messing with him.” James sighed. “Actually pretend you don’t know him, please?”

“But I would flirt if I didn’t.”

“Then pretend you don’t know him and you think he’s ugly. Alright?” James narrowed his eyes, and Sirius smiled again.

“Okay. Alright.” he turned back to Remus, giving him a curt nod. “Lupin, we don’t know each other. Deal?”

“Just try to stay away from me.” Remus sighed, “And no more trying to mess with my head.”

“Just flirting. You’re a taken man, nothing I do should mess with your head at all. Sorry, Lils.”

Lily rubbed her temple.

“I shouldn’t have expected anything else. Are we at least ready to go? If you do anything, Black, I swear to God I will kick you out of this house and the wedding entirely. Play nice.”

She got her jacket out, and Sirius saluted her. All the while, he was watching Remus from the corner of his eye, seeing him rub the back of his neck.

Getting under his skin was too easy. Sirius was almost impressed.

“I’m not doing anything. I was just flirting, you know I flirt with anything that moves.”

“Not your ex-boyfriend.” James shook his head. “Don’t be stupid.”

They were driving to the venue, him, James, Harry, and Lily. It was a fifteen minute drive, with Remus and Mary taking their own cars. The world outside was still shades of grey, and Sirius wondered if it would snow or sleet — depending on the temperature and the wind, it could do either.

Harry had his headphones in, watching Bluey on his ipad and blissfully unaware of the conversation happening beside him.

“Fine.” Sirius sighed, “But I was actually trying to be nice.”

“You were not.”

“My nice is not the same as your nice. I was following your advice.”

“Was my advice to snark about his fiancée? No. No it wasn’t. Why can’t you—”

“James,” Lily reached out a hand to pat her husband’s arm. “It’s fine. I think you just have to accept it. Maybe this’ll be good for them. They’ll either fight it out, or they’ll finally learn how to talk to each other. Remus is getting married soon, they can’t stay angry forever.”

“You don’t know Sirius if you really think that.” James frowned at him through the driver’s mirror.

Sirius smiled back. “He’s got a point, Lils. I’m awfully good at holding a grudge. Just ask my dear maman.”

“Your mother is a bitch.” Lily said shortly. “Remus is just— he’s had some trouble.”

“That’s one way to put it.” Sirius leaned back, “But fine, I’ll be better. I’ll pretend I like him for the rest of the damn month. I promise. But— it’s like the second I’m around him, I feel so angry. Like I just want to break something. All that hurt, all the feelings I’ve been so good at not feeling for the last seven years, they come right back. It’s terrible. I wish I could just get over it.”

“You need too,” Lily nodded, and she turned to meet his eyes, staring at him from the passenger seat. “You need to get over it, Sirius. For your own good. Remus has.”

Sirius smiled back, and his resolve broke again. He resisted the urge to laugh, remembering the corridor again — the sight of Remus’ face turning red. The bob of his throat as he was trapped, stuck right there.

Sirius had power over him. Sirius had a pull on him still. And that felt good to know. Because after seven years, sometimes he thought he’d imagined all of it, he’d made up feelings just to stay at his side.

Any proof was good proof. And Remus could pretend all he wanted, but Sirius knew. He knew him, and he knew how this would all end.

The Venue was an old manor just outside of their village. No one had lived there in a few decades, instead tended to be a groundskeeper and rented out to people looking for a grand wedding.

It looked like a castle, made of old stone and covered in moss and ivy. There were even towers stretching up into the sky.

By the time they pulled up to the front, stopping by a fountain which had long ago dried up, it had begun to drizzle, the rain freezing when it hit the cold ground.

“Miserable weather,” Lily sighed, “Let’s hurry in.”

She picked up Harry from his seat, forcing him to turn off the show despite his protests. He pouted at it all, only made worse when the first cold raindrop hit him.

Lily hurried Harry off toward the manor, and to cover.

Sirius and James got out, but they didn’t rush as quickly, Sirius busy looking up at the towers, head tilted back. He shot James a look.

“This place is something. Do you think it’s haunted?”

“I hope so. Ghosts are exactly what I want for the wedding.”

James beamed, Sirius smiling back. As he did, he felt rain hit his shoulder. The cold of it was like a shock to his system, and that was what finally made him hurry after Lily.

They all made it to the front door, protected by an overhang, right as Remus and Mary’s cars pulled in. They watched the two get out of their cars, rushing over.

Remus had his jacket pulled over his head, and Mary had taken out an umbrella, one she left beside the door when she reached it, raising her fist to knock.

They stepped back, and then the door yanked open, greeted by an elderly groundskeeper. She looked them all over.

“You’re the Potter family?” The woman asked, and then she nodded, “Come in. Take a look.”

She led them through, and Lily set Harry down with a stern warning not to mess with anything. He stared around with awe, and Sirius did the same.

The place was impressive inside too, with spiralling staircases and portraits of lords and ladies of the manor hanging on the walls. Each of them stared down sternly, their eyes seeming to follow wherever the group walked.

Everything was grand, and when they entered the ballroom, that was grand too. The ceiling high, a sparkling chandelier of glassy gems hanging from it, each gem catching in the light and reflecting it on the polished wooden floor.

“We’ll have the wedding and the reception here.” Lily explained to Sirius, “We’ll move the tables in when people leave, and then we’ll put our new decorations out. The house staff are meant to help.”

“That’s brilliant.” Sirius shook his head. “I’d seen the pictures, but this place really is like a castle.”

Windows lined either side of the hall, and they were large, looking out on the gardens around them, including what appeared to be a well-kept maze of bushes.

“We want to have the cocktail hour outside, they’ve got a greenhouse in the back which is just sublime.” Lily went on. “We’ll decorate it properly, and we’ll hang up lights. We can go there now.”

They continued their tour, and Sirius put his hands in his pockets, staring around at everything. He slowed to walk beside Remus, eyeing the other man.

He looked to be in awe too, like he’d only just seen this all himself.

“Have you been before?”

Remus startled, seemingly having not noticed Sirius before that moment. He tensed.

“Don’t make a scene now.”

“I’ll only make a scene if you do.” Sirius smiled. “Have you been here before?”

“Not really. I saw pictures, but… I guess I’ve been busy. And—” he shook his head. “I’m just busy.”

“And you hate weddings.” Sirius guessed, he watched Remus’ face pull. “That’s going to be hard, with Tonks…”

“Don’t talk about it like you know. I want to get married, I just don’t like the showiness. I don’t like—”

“The attention.”

“Don’t finish my sentences.”

“Don’t be predictable, then.” Sirius shook his head. He looked at Remus through the corner of his eye.

“What does she do for a living? She works on a Saturday? You mentioned editing…”

“She’s a freelance editor, she gets manuscripts and she goes through them. Short stories, long novels, all of it. She edits, and she sends them back when she’s done with all the notes. She’s good at it too, but she works— she works quite a bit. It feels like freelance just means she never has a set time to stop working, so sometimes she doesn’t. I understand it. When you get into something you're passionate about, it’s hard to remember to stop and breathe.”

“I really know that feeling.” Sirius snorted, and then he shot Remus a smirk. “You really have a type.”

“Don’t say that to me.”

“YOu know who told me that first?”

Remus shook his head, and then after a second he nodded.

“Probably Lily or James.”

“It’s not a problem. It’s almost nice to know you still think about me. I wonder sometimes if when you and her are together, you—”

“God, of course you’re doing this.” Remus squeezed his eyes shut, a muscle in his jaw flexing. “Don’t do this. Can’t you hold a slightly normal conversation?”

Sirius held up his hands. “It’s just honestly, love.”

Remus’ eyes flashed, and they stepped out into the gardens, making their way to the greenhouse.

“Where’s your wedding going to be held?”

“I don’t—” Remus grimaced. “Don’t talk to me.”

“If I were Tonks, and I was getting married. I’d want something big. But I do think she’s different from me there. I think she wants something standard. I’ll bet she’s looking into somewhere affordable, talking about realistic decisions. And you’re just going along with it. No ring on your finger, nodding to everything she says. Tell me, when do you start telling her the truth?”

“There is no truth. I’m marrying her. I want this, it’s what I’m meant to do. I’ve grown up, and I’m settling down.”

“Does she want kids?”

Remus was quiet again.

“We’ve talked about it. She seems to, but I don’t— I’m not—”

“Bloody hell, you’re useless. The poor girl.”

They made it to the greenhouse, and as the door opened, Remus slipped away from him, shooting Sirius a hard look as he did. He had gone red, and Sirius knew he made him nervous — afraid of what he was saying. Because he was right.

“Behave.” James hissed at him as they stepped in, having noticed the shift in their conversation — perhaps the miserable look in Remus’ eyes.

Sirius smiled back. He would. He was.

The greenhouse was obviously meant for guests as well, large and made entirely of fogged glass. The place was warm, and plants hung from the ceilings and rounded the edges, but there was barely any in the centre. Lily was describing where she’d put the tables, where she’d put the appetisers, and where she’d put the drinking station.

Remus had gone to look at one of the plants as she spoke, half-listening as he touched one of its leaves. As Harry ran off to try and pick a flower himself, Sirius slipped to Remus’ side again.

He got a nasty glare immediately.

“It was out of line.”

“What?”

“The comment before.” Sirius leaned in closer. “You get on my nerves, Lupin. You always have. I know that, you know that. But I can control myself, yeah?”

He raised his eyebrows, and he watched Remus again. It worked almost as well as the egging on, wearing a smirk as he saw Remus’ eyes roam his face.

He swallowed again.

“You’re still fucking with me.”

“Maybe.” Sirius shrugged. He smirked. “But maybe not. Look, Lupin, you’ll have to find out on your own. But let's face it, you’ll keep coming back and talking to me, won’t you?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I wish your eyes had changed.” Sirius explained, watching Remus’ expression grow confused. “I thought— I don’t know why, but I thought I’d look at you and you’d be different, but you’re still you. This whole place is the same. I wish your eyes had changed.”

He looked him over.

“But they’re the same. You’re the same. It makes me hate you, just like I did seven years ago. And it makes me…” Sirius trailed off, he leaned in closer.

“I can still read you like a book, Remus, you know that?”

Remus stepped back.

“I can read you too. Find someone else to do this too. You’re a celebrity now, that desperate?”

“Not desperate.” Sirius smiled. “I told you, I like what I can’t have. And you’re the very worst of it. If I can crush both our lives, why not?”

Remus scoffed, and then he turned and walked off. Sirius watched over him, watched him ruffle his hair. He thought about how quickly he’d snap, how many times he had to leave in close enough for Remus to finally lean back.

He gave it a week. Judging by the reaction, the fear he’d already seen, he decided on seven days.

Remus

“Here’s what I need from you.”

Days since Sirius’ arrival, Remus was sitting in the Potter’s kitchen, watching Lily shovel through the bags she’d bought from the grocers.

“The tablecloths shipped today. They were ordered in bulk, and should be at the post office waiting. I didn’t want it left on our doorstep, I just need someone to pick it up.”

She smiled at Remus.

“Sirius can go with you, to help carry the boxes.”

He stared at her, and she continued to smile.

“You have to get over it sometime, Remus.”

He scoffed. She didn’t understand the half of it. Sirius was trying to ruin his life. He needed to do whatever he could to stay away from the man, because he was terrible. He’d always had a taste for blood, and now all of it was focused on Remus.

“He hates me, Lily. And you better than anyone know how he is when he hates someone.”

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s still…” Lily sighed. “He’s still got a lot of feelings about how things ended. You know he took it rough. He’s no better at opening up to people than you. I don’t think he ever fully got over it. I shouldn’t tell you this, but he’s had it rough with relationships. He’s always finding reasons to end things, and he’s barely even tried dating since you.”

“He found something better.” Remus said, “The rush of celebrity, of casual no-strings shagging.”

She shook her head at him.

“Sirius isn’t whatever caricature you’re trying to make him. You know that. Just go with him to the post office, it’ll be about ten minutes to walk. And you’ll be fine, and maybe you’ll even discover how to stand next to him without both trying to rip the other’s throat out.”

Remus grimaced, and Lily finished unpacking her pantry items, pulling a hand through her hair and then setting off down the corridor, going to get Sirius.

Remus leaned against the counter, and he crossed his arms, and he thought about running.

Seeing Sirius was the same. The last talk — when they’d visited the manor for the venue — had left him sick for the rest of the day. And now he was having anxiety dreams of Sirius showing up at his house, insisting that they have it out now.

Insisting he knew what Remus really wanted, and pushing him against the wall as he insisted, and he insisted, and he insisted that Remus admit it. What do you want?

Remus didn’t answer in his dreams, he just woke in a cold sweat. He told himself it was anxiety, because he knew what he wanted — Tonks, their life together, the one she’d told him about. He liked her plans, he’d always liked how much she planned. He liked the way she knew everything, it made it easier to stop himself from overthinking. He liked the life she’d picked for him.

Sirius — the real one, not the one torturing him in his sleep — came into the kitchen as well. He was wearing a Bowie t-shirt and his leather jacket overtop, appearing to have smudge some eyeliner on earlier.

Sirius Black, the celebrity. Even with his outfit more understated, Remus could feel it. He didn’t know what it was, the expression or the confidence or perhaps just the knowing, but every time he looked at him, that’s what Remus thought about.

His old friend — his ex-boyfriend — the famous celebrity.

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, squinting at Remus unhappily.

“Let’s get this bloody done.” he grumbled, and then he walked to put his shoes on.

“He was taking a kip,” Lily explained. “He’s in a bit of a mood right now. Maybe it’ll make things better, no more teasing.”

She patted him on the arm, and Remus shrugged back.

He went out to the entryway as well, getting his boots on and looking up to find Sirius staring at him. No expression, no smirk, just eyes boring into him. Remus stared back, struck by it for a second.

He could feel Sirius peeling away his layers, and he didn’t want to know what he saw. The worst of him, probably. He’d known him too well back in the day, now he could see all the flaws, each and every one of them. He hated Remus for them, and it was the worst kind of hatred. The hatred that came with complete understanding of a person.

Remus didn’t like having someone know him so deeply only to turn around and say he was rotten. He didn’t want to be seen and then be discarded. But he’d ended things. He’d done this to himself, perhaps. Back when he was young and afraid.

But things had worked out, hadn’t they? He had Tonks now.

“Let’s get this done.” Sirius said after a second, and he shot Remus a dry smile. “Then I can go back to sleeping, and you can go home and fuck your fiancée.”

He opened the door and stepped out, and Remus followed. He walked a little behind him as they made their way down the street, passing by houses decorated for the holidays, their chimneys blowing out smoke.

The day was cold enough to make his eyes sting, and the sky was overcast again. Remus hurried just to try and get there faster, only to end up walking side-by-side with Sirius.

Sirius was silent for a while.

“What crawled up yours, then?” Remus asked, shooting him a look. “You seem ready to commit murder.”

“You. You crawled up mine.” Sirius shot back, and then he grimaced. “I was sleeping. Believe it or not, I’m not exactly thrilled to be stuck around you all the time. And I was bloody— I don’t want to play Lily’s game.”

“No, only your own. It’s always got to be Sirius Black’s rules.”

“Oh, as if. Nothing about our relationship was ever my rules. It was always you. It was you you you. Every day. We did it at your pace, when you wanted. You pulled and I pushed and that’s the fucking way! I’ll bet your Tonks would say the same thing. She’s not around again?”

“She’s out with a friend for the day.” Remus said, “you’ll see her soon, though.”

“Good. I might be able to talk sense into her.”

“Don’t say that.” Remus rounded on him, stopping where he’d been walking. “I don’t need you ruining my life out of revenge. I know what you’re doing, and you won’t. I love her.”

Sirius stared at him, and then he sniffled and rubbed his nose.

“Fine. Keep saying that. See if it makes up for everything else, if it makes it enough. You loved me too, never made it enough.”

Remus flinched, the hurt sinking in deep. He looked away from Sirius, off in another direction. He wanted to ask him why he insisted the relationship was so miserable, and why he had not left if it was, but he could not. He wanted, more than either of those things, to pretend he did not care.

They made their way into the centre of the village, passing by the pond in the middle, and the tree just beside it — where it had been decorated with tinsel, wrapped around with a star at the very top which glittered gold.

Remus looked at it, and Sirius let out a hiss through his teeth, suddenly backing closer to him.

“What?”

“I’ve been recognised.” Sirius said, as if that was the worst thing to happen. Remus stared at him, brows raising. He’d never thought of this — had assumed Sirius would bask in the attention that came with his fame.

“Since when do you not enjoy having fans?”

“Since they started crawling out of the woodwork at every hour of the bloody day— Hi!”

Two girls had come up to them, no more than fifteen and with big smiles on.

“You’re Sirius Black!” One of the girls said, “We saw you from over there. I can’t believe you’re really here!” She continued to beam. “Mum told me you used to live here, but I always thought she was just making things up, because you’re… well, you’re famous.”

“Even famous people grew up somewhere.” Sirius said, and he smiled. “You want a picture?”

Both girls nodded, and one held out her phone to Remus without so much as asking. He took it, forcing a smile as Sirius shot him a look which was nearly apologetic.

They took the picture, and Remus felt strange staring into the screen, watching Sirius put on his most fake and charming smile as the girls beamed like they’d met their soulmate.

When finished, Remus handed the phone over, and the girls scurried off. Sirius’ smile fell with them gone.

“I have a headache,” He said, “Let's just hope this doesn’t get worse. Maybe I need a disguise. I can buy a wig. God, I’ve actually thought about it.”

“You really don’t like that?” Remus asked, “They were mostly sweet.”

“Half are. The other half…” Sirius shook his head. “And besides, no matter how sweet they are, a ten minute trip can turn into an hour really quickly with them around. You don’t get to just go out. You can never just go out, not even for a walk.”

He looked around at the shops of the village, waving a hand.

“I used to be able to walk around here, take it in. I used to walk London too, now it’s like— I can, but it’s draining. It’s going out and deciding I want to be Sirius Black, the Star. Not just a person in the crowds. It was great for the first month, and now it just— it feels like being killed slowly.”

He sniffled again, scratching his nose.

“So no, Lupin. I don’t like it. And I don’t want to be walking the shops with you. Let’s just keep going.”

He walked with his head down the rest of the way to the post office, and he let Remus do most of the talking when there. Standing in the small room, Remus signed off for the packages, ending up with three in total to lug back.

Sirius took one, Remus took the other two. They were a bit heavy, and by the time they were stepping back out, it had begun to snow.

It stung where it landed on Remus’ face, tiny pin-pricks of cold. He looked over at Sirius, finding his expression had lightened a bit, wearing a soft smile as he watched the snow coming down.

It danced through the sky, turning an otherwise dreary day into something just a bit more magical.

“It’s so much prettier here than in London.” Sirius mused, and Remus smiled at his expression, the warmth in Sirius’ eyes which he hadn’t seen in a long time. He realised only after a second that he shouldn’t be. He shook his head and stared into the distance.

“Let’s get to walking. If we see more fans we can just book it.”

Sirius chuckled dryly.

“That’ll be a story, I’m sure.”

They started walking, and Sirius watched the snow, and Remus mostly watched him. He was new in the white-light. Remus did not know this version of Sirius so well. He had experiences, he had fame, and that was not the same as the eighteen year old Remus had last seen.

It hurt a bit, like he’d lost something, but it also intrigued him. He wanted to know more, to understand the conflict of emotions behind Sirius’ eyes. When he was a kid, Remus could read everything in his expression, but this was more complicated.

“Do you like London?” Remus asked, curious now. “Or is it too hard to go anywhere, like you were saying before?”

“I love it. I love the noise, I love the people — especially the miserable ones. I love the shittiest parts and the best parts. I’m just in love with all of it. But— sometimes it can be lonely.”

Sirius shot him a look, and as they walked he pushed his shoulders back.

“What about you? I never thought you’d stay here, seemed like you were just as desperate as me to get out, once upon a time.”

“Tonks likes it, and my family is here.” Remus shrugged. “She has this whole plan for our life. I like it about her. I like— I like how easy it is to be with her.”

“Because you don’t make the choices,” Sirius smiled, “You just go along with them. No thinking required.”

“Sirius…”

“What do you want?” He asked, “Honestly. Not bullshitting, not talking about what Tonks wants. Are you happy?”

“Of course. I love her. I’m— I’m settled. I’ve got a decent life, and a decent job, and I’m content.”

Sirius eyed him, and Remus didn’t like the look. He watched him smile and then shake his head.

“Bastard. You’ve always been such a bad liar. And we were just starting to get along too.”

“I wans’t lying—”

“No, but you can’t even bring yourself to answer my question. I asked if you were happy and you tell me your content. What does that mean? You’re done wanting more, you’re done trying for more? It sounds like you're settling. It sounds like you’ve given up, and you’re just taking what Tonks says. You took her dream, but it’s not yours.”

“Well at some point you grow up,” Remus snapped. “Not everyone can be a famous celebrity unburdened by reality. I have to get a job, and I have to get a steady income. I’m not rich and I’ve never been. So yeah, content is the best I can do. So what? Don’t turn your nose up at me because you can want more. Especially not from your lonely, empty penthouse in London. You don’t seem happy to me either.”

Sirius stopped walking. At first Remus thought he was going to round on him and start yelling. Instead, though, he let out a low curse and grabbed Remus’ arm, dragging him into the nearest shop without so much as a word.

Remus went with him, looking around but seeing nothing

The door to the shop closed behind him, and Sirius rushed to set his box down on a table, turning away from the windows.

They were in a small bakery and café, the place warm and the smell of freshly baked bread was in the air. The tables around them were set up for people to sit with the pastries and drinks they ordered, and the place seemed to be selling seasonal hot chocolate.

Sirius sat down at the table, still facing away from the windows, and Remus sat with him, looking through the glass to see if he could make anything out.

“What—? Were there more fans?”

“My fucking brother.” Sirius hissed, and then he made a face. “The bastard. This is why I don’t come back here. I thought he was gone too, had some finance job in Birmingham.”

Remus looked up again, watching as a man in a suit walked by, phone to his ear as he spoke into it. He had the same features as Sirius, but his hair was short and slicked back. He looked professional, he looked like one of the investors off of Shark Tank.

“He just walked past,” Remus said, and Sirius let out a sigh, rubbing his face again. He eyed the rest of the café, but no one was paying them any mind. He looked at the menu, and then leaned back with a groan.

“Are you hungry? Can we just— can I get something to eat for a second. I need a breather.”

“Yeah, yeah. Of course. I can order for you if you—”

“Don’t think I forgot what you said to me ten seconds ago, Lupin.” Sirius shot him a look. “Save the worry.”

He stood and walked off, stopping by the counter to point to a couple of the baked goods, cookies and what seemed to be a chocolate croissant. And then he ordered two hot chocolates as well.

When he walked back over, his hands were full. He gave Remus one of the hot chocolates without a word, and then began eating the croissant.

“It’s a good place. I remember it, I think we went once back in the day. But it’s not as fun as the joke shop, is it?” Sirius asked through mouthfuls.

Remus watched him. He knew something was off, leaning forward.

“About your brother...”

“Bloody hell.” Sirius rolled his eyes. “It’s nothing. Bad memories, you know better than most. You wouldn’t know, because you hate my music, but I’ve written about him. He’d have some choice words for me if he’s listened at all. Though I could say the same about you.”

Remus made a face, and Sirius smirked.

“Half of them were written when we were still together, I had a whole diary full of songs. Only felt like I could release them after we stopped talking. Nothing personal, they were just good.”

“Tonks mentioned that. I guess it’s to be expected, airing it all out for the world to know just for your fame.”

“Don’t make it sound worse than it is. I’m just not good at keeping secrets, and I’m a musician. I tell my story.”

Sirius leaned over the table towards him, close as he stared into him. His look was intent, eyebrows raised.

“No one will ever have to know it was you. You don’t have to be that arse. That being said, I’ve already written some more songs about you.”

He smirked and leaned back.

“About the first time we met, about seeing you with your girlfriend. That time in the corridor…”

“Nothing has happened between us. Is it just angry songs? How dare you move on songs?”

“More like ‘I’m going to ruin your life’ songs.” Sirius hummed, and then he winked at him. “Though sometimes, I’ll admit, I think I don’t even need to. You’ve always done a good job at ruining it yourself.”

“And suddenly all the genuine conversations dried up.”

“I’m being genuine. Honest, if you like. You never liked being honest, I know.” Sirius leaned closer again, he had to stop doing that. “Remus and his secrets. Remus and his denial. I don’t have to be one of those anymore, and you can’t stand it. So don’t get mad about the songs. Don’t get mad at me, get mad at yourself. You ruined things.”

“Why did you never leave, if you were so miserable? Why did you not call it off, if you knew—”

“Because I wanted to be enough. Because I wanted, and I kept waiting. And a part of me thought, the whole time, that I just had to wait it out.” Sirius snorted. “I thought maybe you’d come around, maybe you’d want me. Maybe you’d be able to stand being seen with me. I’m a fool now, aren’t I? At the very least, you’d be seen with her. Did you ever tell your dad at all?”

“He died over a year ago now.”

“And he never knew.”

Remus looked down at his hot chocolate. He’d barely drank it, he didn’t really want to, but he did anyway. Just for something to do rather than respond.

Sirius took it as an answer. He laughed.

“You’re like a trap, Remus. Like a very pretty trap. Lure people in with your quiet, unassuming presence. He’s an intellect, he’s so bloody thoughtful and funny. And he’s even got a bite to him, underneath all that. Not a rule follower, but certainly not a troublemaker. The exact soft spot. The dream man. And then too late, just after jumping in head-first, the jaws of the trap close. Do you think Tonks has realised it yet?”

“I loved you, Sirius. You might think I did things just to hurt you, but I didn’t. I loved you.”

“Not enough.” Sirius shook his head. “Never enough.”

He downed the rest of his hot chocolate, and then he shoved one of the cookies Remus’ way.

“Merry Christmas, right? I always hated fucking Christmas.”

Remus took the cookie. It was styled to look like Santa Claus. Shooting Sirius a tense look, he took a bite, eating it as silence descended on the table.

Lily perked up when they came back in with the boxes, but Sirius pushed past her. He put the box down on the counter and walked right to his room. Not a word.

She shot Remus a look, and he shook his head.

“I think the walk just made things worse.” He told her, and he watched Lily’s face fall. She stared at the boxes, and then she bit her lip. Remus could see her planning something.

“Don’t try.” He attempted to reason. “At this point, reaching out makes everything worse. I told you before, he just hates me. It’s better to keep my distance.”

“Alright.” Lily gave him another look. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking, it didn’t feel entirely like she’d given up, though. “If you say so.”

Remus nodded.

“Cheers. It’ll work out, we can behave for the wedding, I promise.”

Tonks

She got ready to bed for the night, and Remus paced the house. He got like this sometimes, usually over work. She could guess what it was now, the same thing it had been for the past week.

She knew nothing more than what he’d first said in the car. The only further conversation had been Remus insisting he would handle it and then telling her Sirius was just a bad memory. As if that made it better.

Tonks sometimes worried she’d been wrong about this. She was getting a headache trying to parse through her own feelings, and she didn’t know how to reach Remus.

She was tired, she didn’t want to fight him into a conversation that night, but she didn’t know what else to do.

“Do you think we could go to the jewellers next weekend, have the ring fitted?” She walked into the sitting room, where he was still moving around, brow drawn.

He paused, looking her over, and then he shrugged.

“I— I don’t know. I think Lily has plans, final dress fittings or something like that. I just think it’s better to wait until after their wedding.”

Tonks sighed.

“Right. We wait until after. Just like everything else.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.” She shook her head. And then she shook it again. “Nothing, except that sometimes their wedding feels like an excuse for you. We don’t deal with us, don’t make plans, because we have James and Lily’s wedding.”

“We do, though. And I don’t want to take the focus off them. And yeah, maybe it stresses me out, but— I do want to marry you, Tonks.”

Remus walked over, wrapping his arms around her. He kissed her on the forehead.

“I love you, and I want to marry you. I just want to— to wait a bit longer. Let's get them through the finish line before worrying about us. That’s why I wanted to wait to get engaged too.”

“I know,” Tonks sighed, and then she laid her head on his shoulder. “How was your day? How was planning the wedding?”

“Not great. Sirius is still— well, he’s at their house all the time. Lily wants us to make up, she sent us out on some—” Remus let out a huff. “Errand together, we had to pick up the table cloths, and he just made comments the entire time. He hates me.”

“Well, when I see him tomorrow I can make sure that he stays away. I’ll give him a talking to.” Tonks smiled, wondering what Sirius said — if it was the same thing he’d said to her before.

It was interesting, she’d admit that much, how much in common they seemed to have. But she also knew she wasn’t like Sirius, she was here to stay. The sooner he understood that, the better. The sooner he stepped back, the better.

“Sometimes it feels like he’s taunting me,” Remus whispered, “Like he’s so convinced if he pushes hard enough, I’ll just shatter into a million pieces. But I don’t want to be pushed around.”

Tonks held back a comment, the bad feeling in her stomach growing again. She wanted to ask what he meant by that, but she held back. She wanted to know what the taunting was, but she held back.

“I know you, Remus.” Tonks clasped his face in her hands, staring into his eyes. She smiled. “I know you, as long as it took, as much work as it was, I know you. And I know you’d never break under his pressure. I trust you completely, and I know that you love me. This is what we want, together. He can’t touch us.”

Remus nodded, and then he turned to kiss the palm of her hand, and then leaned forward to kiss her on the lips, drawing her close in the, kissing her like he could make the rest of the world go away.

Tonks kissed him back, certain she could get him to forget about Sirius Black entirely by the end of this.

She and Remus were invited to the Potter’s home again days later, this time to help decorate gingerbread houses.

The kitchen table was covered in coloured frosting and different sweets, a rainbow of colours and types, from chewy to hard. James made everyone warm tea, besides Harry who drank hot chocolate while he worked — drinking with the utmost care to not get any of the hot chocolate on the sweets.

As the sun set, the room was lit by the overhead light. Tonks sat close to Remus as they shared their own gingerbread house. Harry worked on one with Sirius — having insisted on it — and Lily and James made the third of the set.

Tonks had decided to decorate theirs in white and red, making it look like a candy-cane. She had covered the roof with red frosting, and insisted on Remus putting the white frosting down on the board it stood on, adding candy-canes in like trees.

James and Lily seemed to be going in the opposite direction, adding different sweets in a mashing of colours and types all over the house, until barely anything else was visible.

And then there was Sirius and Harry, who were giggling as they ate more of the sweets then they put on, the little they did get on also not appearing to have much reason — though it was possible Harry was trying to copy his parents.

“We should put stripes on the door,” Tonks held up the white frosting, looking at Remus. But his eyes were on Sirius and Harry, watching them both.

Sirius was the cool uncle, Harry worshipped the ground he walked on, giggling at everything he said.

Harry loved him. Remus was liked too, but he’d always been a little worse at connecting with really young kids — like he didn’t quite know how to act.

Remus pressed his lips together, expression pulled like he was in pain, and then stared down at his food. It felt like a bad sign, and so Tonks reached out to put a hand on his thigh, getting his attention. She smiled at him.

“Do you want to put frosting on the door?”

He gave her a half-hearted smile, and she smiled back, attempting to comfort the little she could. As he did, she looked back toward James and Lily, clearing her throat.

“This really is such a sweet activity. I will never get over how nice you lot are. Everything about you and your life,and your house! I think we should get a place like it someday.”

“I could see it,” Sirius glanced up from his own gingerbread house to smirk at her and Remus. As he joined the conversation, Harry turned to putting sweets on their house at random, dotted the roof and the walls without pattern.

Remus tensed at his words. But to Tonks, Sirius’ smile seemed earnest.

“There is something picturesque about this place. Being back here reminds me of the things I did love,” Sirius went on, “Like the stars. I missed them. They take up the whole sky. Back home it’s all black, like a sheet overhead. Still, I don’t think I could give up my place in the city, all the noise and the people. Even at the dead of night something’s going on. In fact, sometimes that feels like the best time.”

“I couldn’t do it,” Lily shook her head, “I love you, Sirius, but everything you just described, including the noise at night, sounds like a nightmare.”

“Done!” Harry interrupted them by shoving the gingerbread house away from him, grinning at them all. It had been dotted with sweets, and then he’d taken the green frosting and drawn scribbles everywhere the sweets weren’t.

It looked like a mess made by a kid, and Tonks couldn’t help her smile widening.

“It looks brilliant,” She told him, “You’re a real artist.”

Harry shrugged back. He was still shy around her. Despite her having been with Remus almost as long as he’d been alive, Remus didn’t bring her around enough for Harry not to think of her as a half-stranger.

It hurt to think about too long.

“How about we bring that into the lounge?” James stood. “I have the perfect place to put it, right where everyone can see.”

He picked the gingerbread house up for Harry, making sure he didn’t drop it, and led him out of the room. With him gone, Tonks looked back at Sirius.

“I agree with Lily. As much as I understand the appeal of city-life, I want a place to settle down. I don’t want noise, I want peace. I want a real home, one I can work on and that will age and grow with me. I can’t wait to get it, just after we raise a bit more money. No more flat, and maybe enough room to really start thinking about kids.”

Sirius’ smile froze, a thousand emotions flickering over his face.

“Oh, you’ve decided on kids, then?”

He leaned back, crossing his arms. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking, his tone was simple — no edge. Yet something still felt off.

Tonks shrugged back.

“Remus has some worries about finances, and about living space, and about schooling and… well, a bit more, but yes. We want kids.” Tonks smiled, and Sirius smirked. He looked at Remus.

“You do?”

Tonks turned to watch Remus too, as he stared at Sirius like he’d been caught. He swallowed.

“If we can work out the financial issues, and find a place. It would be a while, and honestly sometimes I do worry about the idea of bringing a kid into the world under these conditions. With climate change getting worse, so if maybe there was some kind of proper regulation put in…”

Siriu snickered, and Remus frowned at him. Tonks shifted away from him, staring at the gingerbread house.

“You always avoid my questions. That’s not what I asked, Lupin,” Sirius said, “I asked if you wanted kids. Or does Tonks want kids? You’re little future you’ve stolen from her, your dream life as a… what was the word again? Homemaker?”

“Sirius.” Remus was frowning, and Siruis smirked again. He shook his head.

“It’s not a hard question. Yes or no?”

“Sirius.” This time Lily spoke up. She glared at him, and Tonks stared down at the gingerbread house. She wondered if Sirius had a point, wondering why Remus couldn’t just say he wanted kids.

Fear. She knew that answer already. She knew he came up with so many excuses out of fear, but it still hurt. It felt like he couldn’t even stand up for them — for their relationship.

“It’s fine,” Tonks said, raising her chin. “Me and Remus have talked this out quite a bit privately. So nothing Sirius Black can say scares me.” She reached out over the table to take Remus’ hand, ignoring how he tensed as if wary of the touch. “We know what we want. Not what I want, what we want.”

Sirius smiled back at her.

“I hope you’re right.”

He drank his tea, and he shot Remus another smirk. Remus stared back, and then he ducked his head, poking at the sweets, doing little more than moving them around. The table was quiet for a second longer, before Lily stood.

“I need to get something. Sirius, Remus, both of you come with me. It’s in the guest room somewhere.”

She walked off, and the two shot each other looks. Tonks didn’t like it. They seemed to be sharing comradery for a moment, and that felt wrong.

Remus stood first, shaking his head at her.

“She’s just going to tell us off.” He whispered, and Tonks nodded.

He and Sirius left, walking as far from each other as they could. Tonks was left alone as James and Harry came back in.

James raised his eyebrows, staring at the empty seats.

“They went off. Sirius got— he said some things.” Tonks sighed, “He has thoughts.”

James grimaced, taking his spot as Harry looked around, appearing confused. James poked him in the side to get him to giggle.

“You know what, Harry?” James asked, “How about you go find that toy you like so much, the one you showed Sirius? I’ll bet Tonks would like to see it too.”

Harry did as he was told, and with him gone, James gave Tonks an apologetic look. She didn’t want it, and she felt awkward there with just him.

“I know it must hurt, Remus not saying anything to you before,” James cleared his throat, “But it’s just hard for him. The whole breakup was hard, and sometimes I think it’s easier for him to pretend it never happened. He just… pretended Sirius didn’t exist since then. He wouldn’t ask about him, and we learned not to talk about him. I think besides the glimpses of him on the telly, he didn’t hear about Sirius at all.”

“You say that like a good thing, but it only makes me feel worse.” Tonks drank her wine, staring into it for a second. “How’d you get him to trust you?”

She looked at James, and he frowned.

“He still doesn’t half the time. But I know him. And I know what he’s been through. Fourteen years of friendship does that. He’ll always be someone you have to let come to you, that’s how this works. But he will come to you. He always does.”

Tonks nodded, and she wondered if that was true. She’d never let Remus come to her, she’d never waited for him. She didn’t think she could. She wanted to ask James if he was so sure, but that felt like an admission.

Because maybe Remus should come to her. Maybe that was how relationships were supposed to work, how they should feel. Maybe relationships weren’t meant to be constant, neverending work. Upill, up mountain. Climbing to the top to realise that it was only a relative peak and you still have a long, long way to go.

Lily came back without either of them.

“I locked them in the room,” She said, “They can come out in fifteen minutes, more if we still hear them arguing.”

“Are we sure that’s a good idea?” James frowned, and when she sent him a confused look, he shook his head. “They might just kill each other, could make it worse.”

“It won’t.” Lily smiled. “I have a good feeling about this. They’ll fight, and then they’ll talk.”

She drank her tea, and Harry came in seconds later, carrying a stuffed dog he called Snuffles.

“It’s adorable,” Tonks gave him a smile, watching Harry's tentative one back.

Sirius

Remus tried the doorknob again, rattling it as it remained completely locked, letting out a hiss through his teeth. He crossed his arms, glaring at it a while longer.

Sirius decided to lie on his bed, leaning back. He still had his mug of tea, at least. He’d brought it with him, and he’d never been more glad for anything.

“Lily! For the love of God, this isn’t funny!”

“She’s already gone back to the dining room, Lupin. We’ll be stuck in here for at least ten minutes, maybe more.”

Sirius drank his tea, watching Remus finally turn towards him. He was still glaring, stepping closer to the bed only to stop again.

“Why do you not seem more upset?”

“Why would I be?” Sirius looked around, “If we just sit here and be quiet, she’ll let us out. She wants us to stop fighting.”

“And who’s fault was the fighting earlier?”

“I’m looking out for Tonks.”

Remus scoffed, and Sirius felt his heartbeat quicken. He could see Remus’ expression growing darker, the anger that was flowing freely off of him tonight.

It upset him more when Sirius called him out in front of Tonks. He didn’t want her to doubt him, but they both needed to hear it.

“I wasn’t trying to start anything.” Sirius went on. “You’re the one who chose to avoid my question.”

“Do you ever think now’s not the fucking time?” Remus shook his head. “You like to start fights, you always have. You always had a knack for saying the exact wrong thing. You want the attention, so you get it through causing problems.”

“Somehow you’re starting to sound like my mother.”

Remus snapped his mouth shut.

“Don’t compare me to her.”

Remus stepped towards the bed, and as he did, Sirius set his tea down on the bedside table. It clinked dully at the force, and that alone seemed to startle Remus. Sirius raised up, crawling towards him until he had reached the edge of the bed. Now right before Remus, he looked up, meeting and holding his gaze.

“I admit it,” Sirius said, speaking lowly, as if sharing in a secret. All the while, he let a smile play over his lips, eyebrows raised like a dare. “I like attention, Lupin. I always have. I used to vye for it back when we were kids, waiting desperately for you to look at me, learning how to keep you interested.”

“Not this,” Remus shook his head. “You don’t get to do this.”

“Why not?” Sirius tilted his head to the side, letting his eyes slide over Remus. “Why not? If we’re stuck here, we have to find something to do.”

“Stop it.”

Remus took a step back, and Sirius could see him swallow again, knew his pulse was pounding. His eyes wider, he looked fearful. Like Sirius would cast a spell to make him come closer.

“Stop what?” Sirius sighed, “Do you know how you look at me? Sometimes it’s like I’m the devil. I’m here to seduce you into murder or something worse. I’m not doing anything.”

“Fuck you. You know what you’re doing.”

“I don’t.” Sirius stood from the bed, he looked Remus over. “We’re talking, are we not?” Sirius stepped closer, he crossed his arms. “You’re so scared of me, of talking. What can I do to you? If you’re as happy as you claim, if you really like your life like this. What can I do?”

“Sirius…”

Sirius shook his head.

“I remember when we were together, sometimes you’d get that look in your eyes. Or you’d say that, just that way. You’d say Sirius. When I was being too much, or too obvious. When I didn’t behave myself. My mother—”

“Stop saying I’m like her. Sirius, you’re doing it just to hurt me.”

Remus ground it out, his eyes flickering across Sirius’ face, as if trying to read it. He looked to be actually worried, wondering if he meant what he was saying.

“As if you haven’t been hurting me. I hate the way you look at me. I hate this feeling that you think I’m a villain in your story. Like I exist just to ruin your perfect happy ending with her. I can’t hold any more power than you give me! I’m just a gnat in your ear.”

Remus took another step back, and Sirius let out a dry laugh.

“Run, then. You always do.”

He sat back down on the bed, and neither spoke for a long while. He watched Remus rub the back of his neck, staring off into the middle distance.

“I don’t think you’re— I don’t think you’re the devil, Sirius.” Remus eventually spoke, staring at the ground. “I just think you— I fear the power you have. You’re like a black hole, it’s hard not to get sucked in. I feel it everytime I’m close to you, the drag. I’m happy with my life, with what I have.”

“Well, good for you. I like my life too.”

Remus came to sit beside him, sighing as he did.

“We both know you’re trying to fuck with me, though. You want me to slip up and hurt her.”

“I want you to be honest with yourself. And I am fucking with you,” Sirius looked at him, he nudged him in the shoulder as he smiled. “It’s not my fault it’s always been fun. That’s how we were, as kids too. I like watching you squirm. And I do want you to end things, because I know you, and I know what you want.”

“You don’t. I’m not the same person as when we were eighteen. Sirius—” Remus rubbed his forehead. “Please understand me, I’m not going to leave her. Nothing will make me, nothing you could ever say. Nothing at all.”

He said it so confidently that it broke through to him. For the first time, Sirius looked in Remus’ eyes and saw not true-love or a depth of emotions, but resolve. Remus had made up his mind on the issue, he would not be swayed.

“This is the future I chose. We lost our future already, so it’s not happening. I’m happy with her, I have a life with her, and it’s not happening.”

“You think I would have taken you back anyway?” Sirius smiled, he leaned in closer, “The point was just to ruin your life. Get you begging for me and then step back again. See how you like being on your knees for once.”

He lowered his voice again, watching two conflicting emotions flicker over Remus’ face. He let out a small grunt, and he rubbed the back of his neck as he looked away.

“You can’t say things like that. I think it’ll hurt her. I’m already worried— she might be upset about the kids thing.”

“Do you want kids?”

When Remus frowned at him, Sirius held up his hands.

“She’s not here. She can’t be upset by how you answer, even if it matters.”

“I—” Remus shook his head. “I don’t know. Sometimes, sometimes not. I used to feel sick about it, like I’d end up being my father. But now… now I just don’t know. Sometimes. I think I could handle it.”

“I guess a lot has changed,” Sirius tilted his head back, giving him a half-smile. He didn’t feel it, though. Instead, there was a pang going through his chest, a hurt that he didn’t understand.

Maybe Remus wasn’t exactly as he’d left him seven years ago. Maybe he’d matured a bit, and maybe he did want this future with Tonks. The idea hurt more than the thought of him forgetting Sirius entirely.

“I could never have a kid, I’d just ruin them.” Sirius admitted. “I worry all the time about ruining Harry, and I’m just his uncle. If you do have a kid, it’d be better if me and the kid never met. I’d just— I’d fuck something up.”

“Harry loves you more than anyone — besides Lily and James.” Remus gave him a look. “You’re genuinely his idol. Don’t try and tell me you can’t handle kids. We all have those fears. I have those same fears, but they’re— they’re just voices in your head talking you back. Don’t listen to them, because they’ll always ruin a good thing. Don’t let yourself sabotage your own happiness.”

Sirius smirked at him.

“Some pep-talk. I’m still not sold. I’m not giving up my freedom yet.”

“Yeah, give it another five years or so for me too,” Remus shook his head, “Maybe more. I think Tonks wants to get started soon, though. She has a plan, and—”

He went quiet, and Sirius wanted to ask what was going on in his head, so he did.

He nudged him.

“And…?”

“I like her plans,” Remus said, repeating what he’d said before. “But sometimes I’m scared. Sometimes they scare me, and sometimes I feel like… like maybe we should be thinking things through more. It’s always too soon, you know? It’s always like I haven’t gotten time to prepare emotionally, and she just wants to jump in. She’s always ready, and I never am.”

“Story of my fucking life,” Sirius groaned. “I think maybe the fear makes you feel not ready, but you are. But who knows, I never got through to you.”

“It’s not the same,” Remus shook his head. “With you, it was just fear. I’d think about things, I’d want things, but the fear would hold me back. I wanted to hold your hand while we were walking the corridors between class, but then I’d get so in my head about it I’d feel sick by the time you reached your hand out. With her plans, it’s more like I have to convince myself I want things after she tells me they’re happening.”

Sirius frowned. He would have laid into this only minutes before, but now he was more intrigued. Because this was an earnest part of Remus, and he wanted to hear more.

And perhaps — sue him — he liked the hidden compliments. Because this felt like a bit of emotionality, an admission, even a few years too late.

“Then maybe it’s not like with us. You just have to decide if you want it or not. There’s no right answer. It’s your life to live, not hers.”

“I don’t think she’d see it like that.” Remus said, “And if we’re getting married…”

“When.”

“When,” Remus looked at him, and he stopped talking for a second. His expression blank of anger, blank of fear, for a second he was just looking. Sirius frowned back, wondering what he saw.

Remus blinked and then shook his head.

“I can’t believe this conversation is happening. I shouldn’t be talking to you about any of this.”

“But you are. I’m just good at advice, and I know you better than anyone,” Sirius said, “So why not ask me? In fact, if you want, I can start making your life decisions for you. First off, I say you need to quit your job and join a band. You can come touring with me.”

Remus chuckled, actually laughed, and it was the first time Sirius had done that in seven years. He was startled by it, pausing as he watched Remus’ smile grow. He shook his head.

“Do you even know what I do for a living? I don’t know what James and Lily told you.”

“A teacher. I think something like English. It’s fitting, you were always good at tutoring people, even if you hated to admit it.”

“I do like it,” Remus nodded, “I love it, actually. I get to help kids, I get to show them they’ve got potential. And everyone of them does. No one’s getting left behind, not in my class.”

He smiled at Sirius, and Sirius chuckled again.

“And you think you could ever be a bad parent.”

Remus flushed slightly, ducking his head to hide the way his smile widened. He seemed sheepish by the compliment, and Sirius almost said more, almost asked about his job and the kids and what it was like, but just then the door opened.

“You’ve been quiet long enough. Work things out?”

Lily stood there, eyeing them both. Sirius beamed back at her.

“We’re better than ever, Evans. Completely patched up. Trust me, I’ve decided to christen their relationship, and they’re new kids. Remus was just telling me about his ideas for baby names.”

“Fuck off, Black.” Remus said, but he was smiling, standing up and rubbing the back of his neck. He gave Lily a sheepish look.

“Sorry about the scene. I do think we’ve worked things out a bit. At least I have.”

“Don’t be too sure, Lupin. You never know what I’ll do next.” Sirius winked. “It’s my speciality. I’m a hard person to know.”

“And yet I do.” Remus said, almost to himself. “I know you.”

Sirius looked back, and he fought back a frown. There was something in Remus’ eyes again, many conflicting emotions nearly as strong as when they’d seen each other for the first time at the party.

Whatever was going on, though, he didn’t tell Sirius about it. Not yet, at least.

Chapter Text

Remus

The final dress fitting came the day after the gingerbread-house making, mid-morning on a Saturday. They had to drive to the next town over, Remus in the car with Tonks.

She put on the music, and Sirius’ voice came on again. The same Christmas song.

“Do they play anything else?” Remus sighed, but he didn’t bother changing it. He let Sirius’ voice echo through the car.

He hadn’t let himself listen to Sirius’ singing in the past seven years, but he was good. Better than when they were kids, his voice stronger. Remus was impressed. It made him think about the night before.

Their conversation after being locked-up together had felt real in a way Remus hadn’t expected. He was half worried about all he said, knowing what Sirius must be thinking. He wished he could take some of it back, keep them to himself.

He was usually good at keeping his secrets. In the years since knowing Sirius, he’d forgotten how easy it was to talk to him. He’d missed it, and that scared Remus more than anything he’d said the night prior.

He would just have to be careful. Sirius might not be trying to ruin his life anymore, but Remus knew he could. He was still a memory Remus didn’t want to let himself relive.

But they’d made up, at least sort of. They weren’t fighting.

Tonks turned the dial of the radio, cutting Sirius’ voice off. She shot Remus a look, and he wondered what his face had been doing.

“He’ll be there today?”

“Mhm, yep. We’ll be alright. We worked things out.”

She nodded.

“And you worked things out with the… kids talk?”

“He thinks I’m going to hurt you.” Remus explained, “I’ve never been good at talking about my feelings, but I was worse then. I’m good, Tonks. I want to start a life with you.”

He smiled her way, watching her nod. She tilted her head back.

“I don’t like that he doesn’t believe in us. And I don’t like that— that you two had to go off to talk.”

“Why? We mostly argued, we talked about you, talked about us.” Remus waved a hand between him and her. “Sirius is— he’s a big-shot celebrity, and I’m an English teacher. It’s two different worlds. Two different planes of existence. The idea of me and him is absurd.”

He nodded to himself, and he felt Tonks watching him again. She sighed.

“I love you, Remus.” She said, and he didn’t know where it had come from.

“Love you too.”

They pulled into the dress shop, and Remus cut the music completely. The car was silent as they both got out, and he watched Tonks smile as she walked over to him, taking his hand.

“Who knows,” She said, “Maybe in a few months we’ll be back here. Though I still haven’t entirely decided against wearing a suit.”

“You’d look good in anything,” Remus promised, and he pushed back the queasy feeling he got when he looked at the shop.

White shingles, a large window at the front showing off a line of gowns — some white, some purple and blue. Long and flowing, bridesmaid and wedding dresses alike.

He thought about sitting in there as Tonks put on a dress, showing it off to him, and the queasiness got worse. The fear was terrible.

The night before, Sirius had told him the feeling was simply worry over something going wrong. It didn’t feel much like it though, it felt like dread.

The next car to pull in was the Potters, Lily and Sirius getting out, getting Harry from the back. Remus watched Harry take Lily’s hand, and he watched Sirius look up, spotting him and Tonks, and smile at them both.

Sunglasses on, despite it being overcast. He had a hand in his jean pocket, and the shirt under his leather jacket was cropped enough to reveal a sliver of his stomach — pale skin, and the hint of a tattoo Remus hadn’t seen before.

He walked over to them, taking off his sunglasses.

“Fancy seeing you here.” He winked at Tonks. “I hope you don’t hate me already.”

“Only a little.” She frowned at him, “Remus and you have made up.”

“I reckon so. As much as we can. I’ll be nice for the rest of the month, I swear it.” Sirius placed a hand on his heart, and Remus resisted an eye-roll.

Dramatic as ever. Now that the anger had gone, Remus could see more of the Sirius he’d known. The over-dramatic, self-assured, brilliant man.

“I’m glad to hear that.” Tonks laughed. “I think you were driving Remus mad. He spent too many nights pacing back and forth at home, looking like he was trying to solve the words’ hardest riddle.”

“I’m keeping him up at night,” Remus could see Sirius stifling a comment, “Well, good thing we’ve worked things out We’re good, and me and you are good too.” he winked at Tonks, “I want to know all about you, I meant that last night. You’re part of our group, even if I doubt Remus’ll want me anywhere near him once the wedding’s over. You’re always welcome. We can have a club, ‘people who’ve fucked Remus Lupin’. Or is that crass?”

Remus coughed into his elbow, feeling his face go red. Tonk laughed, though, which was incredibly lucky for him. He glowered at Sirius.

“You don’t like that,” Sirius smiled back at him, “I knew you wouldn’t like that. I think he’s embarrassed about us. He always was when we were kids.”

“I can’t imagine being embarrassed of you,” Tonks told him.

Sirius’ smile got wider.

“You really know what to say to make someone blush. Careful Remus,” He shot him a smirk, “I might just steal your fiancée.”

Tonks snorted again, and Remus scoffed.

“I know your type, Sirius.”

“And I know yours, very well.” Sirius patted him in the arm. “Now, can I be the best man at the wedding or not?”

Remus frowned at him, saved from having to answer by the last car pulling in, Mary Macdonald getting out. In a woolly white sweater and a pair of wide-legged jeans, she crossed her arms as she looked them all over.

“Well, get on in. We have an appointment in five minutes.”

She waved her hand, and they all moved, Sirius going back to Harry and Lily, lifting Harry up onto his shoulders as the kid squealed.

“He’s something,” Tonks shook her head. “I see why you fell for him back in the day. He’s got this…”

“Pull.” Remus nodded, “Like a black hole, threatening to suck you right in.”

She gave him a strange look, and Remus rubbed the back of his neck, deciding that had not been the right thing to say. He took her hand again, leading her into the dress shop.

The dress shop was cosy on the inside. They passed through lines of dresses all the way to the very back — the fitting area. There, Remus sat with Tonks beside him, as Lily was pulled off to put the dress on, helped along by one of the seamstresses.

Harry ended up on Sirius’ lap, currently bouncing in his excitement over whatever was going on, eyes moving around the place as he drank everything in.

He’d been the first time — everyone there had been besides Sirius. Petunia had even come around to pick the dress out, though this time Lily’s sister was busy with her own kid.

“You have to keep still for now, Harry.” Sirius whispered down to him, “Just you wait, your mum’ll be out in no time, and she’ll look like a real princess.”

“Do they have toys?” Harry asked, “I don’t like dresses.”

“No toys, Harry.” Remus gave him a sympathetic frown, “But this is important to your mum. It’s as important as toys to her, so we have to be patient.”

Harry nodded, and Sirius reached out to ruffle his hair, giving him a grin.

“I’ll get you a toy after this. An early Christmas present, how about that? We can stop somewhere on the way back. And here, for now while we wait.”

Sirius reached into his pocket and took out his phone, clicking a few buttons until he had Bluey playing, and then handing Harry the phone along with a pair of earbuds to watch.

Harry’s face lit up, and Remus rolled his eyes.

“You’ll spoil him. He needs to learn patience.” Remus said, as Harry distracted himself with the show.

“He’s an angel, he knows patience. He deserves something nice.” Sirius smiled fondly, and Remus wondered how much of this came from his own childhood — with a mother who’d been cold and unfeeling, broken only by furious outbursts when Sirius didn’t do what she wanted.

A cruel woman, an unyielding woman, who had withheld even dinner from him if he so much as toed the line of what she deemed acceptable. It made sense for Sirius to want to be the opposite.

“It’s better he’s spoiled,” Sirius added, and it only confirmed what Remus had been thinking.

“I think you’re great with him,” Tonks leaned over, giving Sirius a smile. “You’re the only person I know who can keep him from wailing when his parents aren’t around. We watched him a couple nights, and he’d cry for his mum for about ten minutes after she left, every single time.”

“I’m just away enough to only get the good parts. He’s alway excited to see me, that’s all.” Sirius shook his head, “I think in the end, you’ll have done more for him than I ever could.”

“Maybe you just need to come around more,” Remus pointed out, “James and Lily would love to have you, and it can’t be that busy being a famous musician.”

“Trust me, it’s busy. And I have… reasons to avoid here. Bad memories.”

Remus nodded, remembering their near run-in with Regulus Black only about a week before.

“Understood,” He said, and he smiled. “But Tonks is right, you’re great with him. I always feel like I’m making it up as I go trying to talk to him.”

“We all feel like that a little, even the best parents. I told James that once, at least. That’s life, making things up, pretending to be confident.”

He shot Remus a smirk.

“As if you’re not the most confident person I know.” Remus said, while Tonks shook her head.

“Really. I’ve seen your interviews. You can’t completely fake that.”

“I mean, ‘course I know I’m fit.” Sirius rolled his eyes at her, “But there’s more to life than that. There’s more to confidence than that. I just… I know what I’m good at. It’s realism if you ask me. I’m good at singing, and I’m good at crowdwork, and I’m good at lying. And apparently I’m good with Harry here.”

He shot Harry a smile, who was obvious to anything they said, busy watching Bluey.

“Good enough not to add any of the other things I’m good at,” Sirius put in with a smirk their way.

Remus cleared his throat, shaking his head at the comment and deciding to think very hard about the dresses around them. Beside him, Tonks let out a slight laugh, more out of shock than anything.

“That sounds more like what I’d expect from interviews.”

“I don’t want to disappoint.” Sirius agreed, and Remus was very glad to see the curtains be pulled seconds later, showing off Lily in her dress, hair pinned up and out of the way.

A simple dress, a-line in style and long. It was lacey, something seventies-inspired in shape, with long billowing sleeves.

“You look beautiful, Lils.” Sirius grinned, nudging Harry where he was still staring at the phone screen. “Doesn’t your mum look beautiful?”

Harry looked up, blinking at him and then Lily. He nodded.

“It’s all flowery. Like a princess.” He nodded, and then he looked back at the phone.

Lily laughed.

“Well, there’s the only approval I need out of the way. You think it fits alright? It feels good to me.”

She smiled at Remus, and he smiled back. He felt a lump in his throat, suddenly. It was hitting him right then, as he took her in, that this was happening.

His friend was getting married. Both his friends were, ones he’d known since childhood. He’d seen every stage of their relationship played out.

They’d grown up, they were getting married.

“You look great.” He nodded, “It’s the perfect dress, Lily.”

He felt his eyes misting up, and he watched Lily’s smile widened, letting out a wet laugh.

“Remus, you can’t cry! You’re supposed to be the calm one out of us.”

She beckoned him over, and he came, letting her hug him. When he pulled back, she gave him a stern look.

“Save the rest of your tears for my wedding, and for your own after that.” She squeezed his shoulders.

After him, Harry came running over, decided he wanted a hug from his mum if she was giving them out. As Lily pulled him up, Harry began trying to show her the episode of Bluey.

She went along with it, and Remus sat back between Sirius and Tonks, leaning his head back.

“Didn’t expect you to cry,” Sirius smirked, “I guess it’s really hitting you, isn’t it?”

“It isn’t hitting you? I remember when she and James used to hate each other. I remember when he thought it was funny to ask her out when we were thirteen, just because it made her upset and he liked how red her face got.”

“Fuck, yeah.” Sirius beamed. “The good old days, skiving off class to smoke in the third-floor toilets with you, or stealing a bottle of beer to share between all three of us and acting way drunker than any of us could have been.”

Remus smiled at the memories, and then he smiled at Sirius.

“At least we ended up somewhere good. That’s what really hit me, how— how glad I am that we’re all mostly together. I’ve never been more proud of her or James.”

“I do know that feeling. I’ve had it since getting the news. And I think it scares me more than anything. I don’t know if I am still with you all as much as I want to be. Like you said before, I’m not around as much.”

He bit his lip, and Remus wondered if he should say more, comfort him. He decided against it, only because he knew Tonks was listening, and he didn’t think Sirius wanted to air his demons out in front of her — she was still a near stranger.

Harry came back to them seconds later, climbing onto Sirius’ lap and proceeding to shove his phone in his face, giving him big eyes.

“Please play another one.” He said, and Sirius took the phone, showing Remus that the video had ended with a dry smile. Harry had somehow stopped the auto-play feature.

“Are you sure? You could be talking with us instead.”

Harry pouted, and so Sirius turned on the next episode of Bluey, letting him go back to watching.

“What’s the plan for after this? Are we getting lunch? Because I want lunch.” Sirius let out a groan. “I’m going to go mad if I don’t get some good food.”

“What did you have for breakfast?” Remus asked, watching him narrow his eyes. “You never had a good breakfast back at school.”

“Says the one who always had about five sausages for himself.”

“I was a growing kid. And it’s always better to eat too much than not at all.”

“I had breakfast. Lily made eggs, she’s been cooking for me. Don’t start doting, Lupin.”

Sirius shot him a look, and Remus frowned back. As he did, he felt Tonks’ eyes on him. Glancing over, he found her wearing a frown of her own, appearing uneasy — like one of them had said something strange.

Perhaps she thought they were arguing again, but they weren’t. This was how they talked since they were kids, nothing more than their usual banter.

Remus reached out to take her hand, right as Lily came out again in her everyday clothes. The dress was in her hand, now in its proper garment bag.

She smiled at them all, eyes landing on Tonks last.

“I was wondering…” She raised her eyebrows, “Do you want to look around for a bit? We can send Remus and Sirius out to put the dress in the car, and maybe take Harry off, but we stay? I can drive you back after.”

Tonks blinked, perking up.

“I— well, I don’t want to take away your moment…”

“I had my moment. I want to do this with you, if you want it. We don’t talk enough, Tonks. And I think this is as good a time as any to start thinking about dresses. Come on, think of it as a girl’s shopping trip.”

She looked at Remus.

“You’re fine taking Harry? I think he needs to eat lunch soon or he’ll get moody.”

“We’re fine.” Remus looked at Tonks. “Have fun.”

Tonks frowned back, glancing between him and Sirius.

“And you’re sure you’ll be fine? No ripping each other’s heads off?”

“We’re fine,” Remus nodded, “Completely fine. Go look around.”

Easing, Tonks smiled, nodding.

“Okay.”

With that, her and Lily walked off, and Sirius picked Harry up, making a show of swinging him around so he squealed. He rested him on his side after, giving Remus a smirk.

“What do you think she wants for a dress?” He asked, “What’s the theme?”

“We haven’t really planned. I wanted to wait for Lily and James’ wedding to be over.”

They made their way towards the door, heading out.

“Really? But you have to have some idea. What does she like?”

“She likes… a lot. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was an extremely traditional dress inspired by the 20s, or a completely modern dress. She thought about wearing a suit. It could be anything.”

“What about you?” Sirius gave him a look, “If you could have anything for the wedding, any theme, what would it be?”

Remus frowned at him, feeling uneasy again.

“I’m not trying to start an argument about this, I want to know,” Sirius insisted. “What do you want?”

“I want…” Remus trailed off. Each time he tried to think about the wedding, he hit a barrier. It made him feel queasy, and every image was wrong — like the begging of a nightmare.

Remus didn’t say anything until they reached the car, grabbing Harry’s car seat from Lily’s to put in the back seat. Sirius climbed into the passenger seat, and Remus sighed.

He got in the car, closed the door, and turned on the engine.

“I just want whatever she wants,” He explained, “I don’t know what else. I’m not a fan of weddings. I would rather skip it all, get the paper. But I think she’d see that as backing away from it, and I don’t want to seem afraid.”

Sirius looked over at him, tilting his head as he leaned it against the headrest, giving him a faint smile. It felt pitying, which should worry Remus more.

“Okay.” He said, “Fair enough.”

He looked back towards Harry, as Remus turned on the music. It wasn’t Sirius’ songs, at least.

“Where should we go, Harry? Eat first, then get you a gift. How many people do you think we’ll see?” He gave Remus a dry smile. “I Really wish I had that wig right now. Do you think we could find one on short notice? I’ve always wanted to try going full redhead, but I think Evans might take it as a slight.”

Remus rolled his eyes.

“Let’s eat before anything. I think lack of food makes you go mad.”

Sirius snickered, giggling to himself as they pulled out of the dress shop, and Remus bit back a smile of his own.

They found their way to a small restaurant, the place already done-over for the holidays. A large blow-up Santa Claus stood near the front door, lights hanging from the windows.

They took Harry in, as Sirius wrapped himself in a scarf up to his nose, avoiding the eyes of those they passed. He let Remus talk to the hostess, getting them a table.

The inside was spirited too. The owner was obviously a fan of the holidays, having put a Christmas tree in the centre of the room, complete with a toy train which rode in circles underneath. Harry was in love with the train, and Sirius had to hold his hand tightly to keep him from running off as they made their way to their table.

The restaurant was busy, but not too busy. There were a few people around, couples and families set up to eat. Another kid was gaping at the train the same as Harry, eyes alight as it rode around and around its tracks.

They were set up at a booth near the back, and Sirius squished to the far wall, putting Harry between him and the rest of the restaurant. He sighed once there as if he was relieved.

Remus sat across from them, flipping through the menu he’d been given.

“You survived,” He said offhandedly, getting a smile from Sirius.

“I guess so. We just have to make sure no one looks over here. Maybe the kid’ll distract them.”

He peered out at the restaurant. He sighed.

“Sometimes they don’t even say anything. You just feel them staring. And sometimes I don’t even notice at all, not until I’m home and suddenly I’m getting sent a video of myself eating dinner. It never stops being unsettling, like I’m being stalked. Breaking News: Celebrity eats salad.”

“Do you hate it?” Remus asked, giving him a curious look. Meanwhile, Harry had taken out his crayons to scribble all over the kid’s menu he’d been given, seeming to be attempting to draw a picture of all of them.

“Sometimes. Depends on the day. I don’t like— well, the stalking isn’t fun, obviously. But sometimes people tell me I changed their lives, and that’s nice. Social Media is a whole other issue. I loved it at first too, all the attention, but then it got mean. The more popular I got, the more they hated me for nothing. I could breathe and there’d be a post about how I do it wrong and it somehow killed a kid.”

He shook his head.

“I don’t know why I have to be the devil to people. But I guess I could never keep my mouth shut, and I’m messy. I’m bad at keeping my cool.”

“Isn’t that the rock-star lifestyle? I don’t think most of the musicians of old went around being nice.”

“You’d think,” Sirius let out a small laugh. “I’ll bet people hated them too, there was just no way for you to yell so loud — and get so many likes while doing it. But I just avoid it now, I don’t go on social media. I have an intern run my accounts, she posts videos of my concerts. Sometimes I write something, it goes through like five different media supervisors, and then she gets to post it like it’s really my own thoughts at that point.”

He snorted.

“All of that is just— it’s not the point of why I make art. Concerts are what keep me going. Concerts and the albums, the writing part. I’ve been writing a bit while here.”

Sirius smirked right at him, and Remus felt his stomach squeeze.

“Right, the ones about me.”

He hated not knowing about them, still convinced they were praying on his and Tonk’s downfall, going over every wrong thing he’d done.

“You’re a good muse, always have been.”

Those words had been said before, what felt like a century ago now. Remus shook his head, deciding to stare at the menu a little harder. He’d barely read it.

Still, he could feel Sirius watching him. Even as he looked, even as he tried his best to focus on the words.

His mind kept moving back to the songs, wondering what Sirius could have sung about him.

It felt wrong to listen now, like if he were to read Sirius’ diary, but they were out there.

Remus cleared his throat.

“Your other songs about me…?”

“Hiya!”

He was cut off from his question by the appearance of their waitress. A short, plump woman with red hair tied back into a bun. She beamed at them both.

“I’m Molly, I’ll be serving you today. Is there anything I can get you started with?”

“Hot chocolate!” Harry pointed down to where it was listed on the kid’s menu, under seasonal specials. Sirius chuckled, though he’d noticeably tensed with Molly’s appearance.

“We’ll all get hot chocolate,” He said, glancing at Molly and quickly looking away — like if he held eye contact for too long she’d recognise him.

Molly smiled back.

“Well, of course. We’ll get you hot chocolate. Do you like marshmallows with that?” She leaned toward Harry.

He nodded resolutely at her.

“My son loves hot chocolate too,” Molly said, “He loves chocolate in all forms. He’s about your age. Can I ask your name?”

“Harry.”

“Well, Harry. I’ll get you that hot chocolate.”

She beamed, giving Sirius and Remus a full-faced smile, one that crinkled her eyes.

“Is there anything else you’d want?” She asked, and Remus shook his head.

“We’re fine.” he looked toward Sirius, who nodded at Molly. She continued to smile without recognition.

“I’ll put the drinks in.”

She left, and Sirius leaned his head back, letting out a sigh.

Harry was back to scribbling onto his menu, but he finished quickly, pushing it over for Sirius to see.

He picked it up, and Remus waited, watching Sirius break into a smile, chucking.

“This is brilliant, Harry.” He said, “Is that me?”

Harry nodded.

“It’s all of us, together.”

Sirius held it out for Remus to look, finding a doodle of all of them — Him, James, Lily, Sirius, and Harry — around a Christmas tree. All holding hands.

“Do you like having us together?” Sirius asked, “Getting a Christmas with the entire family?”

Harry nodded again.

“You’re never around for Christmas.”

Sirius winced.

“I know. Maybe next year. Or maybe you could all come out to London next year.”

“Even Remus?”

Sirius paused, glancing his way, and Remus grimaced back. He knew the answer was difficult, but Harry was smart for five. He picked up on the quiet.

“You don’t like Remus.”

“No. No, that’s not it. I like Remus plenty. But— we’ve both got a lot of work, and I think he might want to spend his Christmas with Tonks.”

“He always comes for Christmas. She doesn’t. Not until last year.”

“Huh,” Sirius nodded, and Harry had begun to pout. “Hey, look here.” he tapped Harry on the shoulder. “I’ll be around next Christmas, and I would let Remus come. We’d have the best Christmas, because you deserve it. Right?”

He looked at Remus, who could feel the panic settling in. Sirius always needed perfection for Harry’s life. Despite the impossibility of shielding him from all pain. Remus recognised it, he inclined his head.

“Of course. I’d go with you, Harry.”

Harry smiled, and then he reached out to take the picture back.

“I’m going to draw another.”

He got back to it, and as Sirius wiped his face — appearing to still be reeling from the conversation — Remus shot him a smile.

“I actually do want to see your place. It's probably more expensive than anywhere I’ve ever been, besides maybe the Potter’s old manor.”

“It’s not that nice. It’s ugly. Maybe I’ll just come here next Christmas. It’s—” Sirius shook his head, “I live there, but it’s barely a home. I’m gone most of the time anyway, with tours. Now,” He shot Remus a look, smile slowly re-growing. “What were you asking before, about my songs?”

“Oh,” Remus grimaced, his interest having disappeared in the past couple minutes. He felt nervous again. “I just wondered, ‘cause you mentioned you wrote songs about me. How many, and uh, would you be alright if I listened to them?”

“You really haven’t heard any?”

“Unless you decided to cover Last Christmas because of me.”

“That would make no sense, we didn’t break up over Christmas. And I dumped you.”

“Alright, so I haven’t. I could barely listen to more than a few seconds. Everytime Tonks put on a playlist where you came on, I’d have to change it. Hearing your voice made me feel a bit sick. A lot of times it brought back feelings.”

“Does that mean I can disregard all your insults from before? Since you didn’t even listen all the way through.”

“You can disregard. I think you’re talented. You can sing, Sirius. You always could, and I loved listening. I always loved watching you work.”

Sirius smiled, ducking his head to hide whatever was in his eyes. He played with the edge of his menu, bending it before seeming to realise what he was doing.

“I think I can do better than letting you listen.” Sirius shot him another smirk. “Why hear it second-hand when you have the real Sirius Black right in front of you.”

“Are you saying you’ll sing for me?”

“One-man concert. I always liked smaller venues. They’re more intimate, and everyone’s there because they love your music. Sometimes when the venue gets too big there are people there just to brag about it, to show off the pictures after. They don’t even sing along. But smaller venues…”

“One person is the smallest you can get,” Remus agreed, “Pretty intimate to me.”

Sirius nodded along, he bent the end of the menu absent-mindedly as he fought off a smile.

“Deal, then. But I will warn you, not all the songs are nice.”

“I already know how you feel about me, Sirius. Trust me, I can handle the hatred. I just want to… know, I guess. I want to know you. I feel like I only half know you now. You’ve got a lot of the things I— the things I liked about you back in the day. But there’s more, more layers.”

“You’re the same way,” Sirius said, “I want to know about you. Your job. Teaching kids, right? They must love you.”

Remus shrugged, and Sirius nodded.

“Oh, I know they do. You’re the best teacher they could ask for. How do you think they’d react, knowing you’re sitting with Sirius Black right now?”

“Lets just hope none of them walk in. I think they’d start squealing. In fact, the last time I had to listen to one of your songs all the way through was when they put it on. We had a project, and I said I’d play music for them.”

“What song was it?”

“Something about partying, nothing about love. That’s sort of what surprised me about you. I kind of— I thought that was you now. The partier, going out every night and finding a different man to take home.”

“Well, Some of it is true. I haven’t had a serious relationship in seven years,” Sirius shrugged, “But I play it up a bit on the songs. It makes for good music. Some of what I write, though, is plenty earnest.”

“I think I’d prefer those. Not the rock-star persona.” Remus said, and he watched Sirius roll his eyes.

“You just prefer the songs where I’m heartbroken about you.” He narrowed his eyes, “And you’ve changed the subject back to me.”

At that point, Molly came with the hot chocolate, and Harry’s face lit up.

“Wait a bit, it’s hot,” She told him, as Harry nodded.

“Thank you,” He said, and she smiled at him with a glance towards Sirius and Remus.

“What a little angel you are, your dads are very lucky.”

Remus raised his eyebrows and Sirius started coughing into his own drink. As Remus felt himself flushing, Sirius shook his head.

“Not together, just his uncles. He’s engaged.” Sirius waved a hand at Remus. Avoiding Molly’s eyes. She paused, frowning between them both, and the nodded.

“Sorry for assuming. Congratulations on the engagement.” She went right back to her wide smile, “Now, can I get your order?”

They ordered food, and Remus willed his face to cool down. After, Sirius fixed Remus with another look.

“So, you became a teacher. You work at a school, your girlfriend works as an editor. And you’ve got a flat, right? Where’s that?”

“The newer building just outside of town. It’s decent. You should come for dinner, really. I think Tonks is still nervous about you, and if we’re going to be— be spending Christmas together from here on out, it’d be good.”

Sirius nodded.

“Right, of course. Mhmm.” he nodded, and then he looked down at Harry again. Remus wondered what he was thinking.

“How’d you meet her? James said something about four years…”

“Yeah, right. We met in Uni. We had the same class. She asked me out, first just to talk as friends. Studying together, and then properly. She asked to date, to be exclusive. I was— back then, I was sort of afraid of everything to do with commitment, but she was good at it. She was sure of herself, and so it felt easier to just nod and go along with it. And now I’m here.”

“Now you’re here.” Sirius’ tone had gotten more dry. He glanced at Remus again. “I’ll play you my songs, really. We can— just tell me when you’re free. I want to sing for you.”

Christmas Holidays were fast approaching, and the expectation of days without school made every kid in class antsy, unable to listen for more than a few minutes.

So, doing the only thing he could think of, Remus decided to give them a group project, making a presentation related to any of the topics they’d previously covered — three to four people per group.

They’d present on the last day of classes, and they could bring food — biscuits and crisps and supplies to make hot chocolate — and they’d have time to celebrate.

Until then, Remus let them all work on their projects, sitting at his desk and watching the kids talk more than work, designing their presentations. There were, of course, always a select few who focused, their projects nearly finished.

They’d put on a playlist of Christmas songs, something off of Spotify that one of the kids had chosen. Remus had a few different playlists the kids had created on his computer. A group of them came around to eat lunch in his room, and they were always putting something on while they ate.

Remus would admit, having a group of kids who’d chosen his room as their hang-out location felt pretty good. He felt like he’d done something right as a teacher.

“Do you have plans for Christmas, Mr. Lupin?” Erin, a girl sitting in the front, asked as she looked toward where he was at his desk. The rest of her friends were watching, and Remus smiled.

“I have a lot, actually. My friends are getting married.”

“The Potters.” One of the other girls nodded, Eleanor. She gave him a smile. “I heard about that! My mum says it’s about time, she doesn’t know why they waited so long. Haven’t they been together since they were like seventeen?”

“They wanted a proper wedding. Sometimes weddings are for show, more than anything.” Remus smiled, “They’ve been living like they’re married for a while, but I think they wanted it to be the right moment. And now it is.”

The girls made a round of aws, and then Eleanor leaned in closer.

“Is it true that Sirius Black is going to their wedding? I heard from my sister that her friend saw him walking around the other day. I mean… people said he used to go here. Mum and dad told me, but I didn’t believe it. I thought they were lying, just because the Black family and him share a name, doesn’t mean he’s one of them. He’s too—”

She made a strange motion with her wrist, making one of her friends bat her on the arm. Remus didn’t really know what the wrist motion meant, but he got the sense it had to do with him being gay.

“Yes, he’s from here. He went to school when I did, and he and James are still close. He’s not close with his family, though. They don’t have a lot in common.”

“That’s good.” One of the girls sighed, “He’s too fit to be a Tory.”

Remus fought off a smile, shaking his head. He didn’t disagree, but it was still funny to think about. When he told Sirius about this, he’d have quite the laugh. He’d probably never shut up about it.

“Did you talk to him?” Erin prodded, giving him a wide smile.

“A bit,” Remus said, “You know, since we’re both friends with James…” he winced, imagining Sirius’ reaction to him saying those words, and then corrected himself. “We were close, actually. But we haven’t stayed as close.”

“No fucking way.”

“Language,” Remus gave her a look, but Erin barely heard.

“You’re friends with Sirius Black!”

Two other tables looked up at the same time.

“I’m— I was, back in school. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“You have to get him to come in. You have to— to let us meet him!”

“He doesn’t do house calls.” Remus said, “He’s not going to come just because I ask. And I’m not using my friend like a show-pony. He is human, Erin.”

“I thought he wasn’t your friend.” She crossed her arms, now appearing annoyed. “He’s Sirius Black, how can you even talk to him without— without feeling faint?”

Sometimes I do feel a bit faint.

“The same way you talk to anyone else. You just have to ignore how fit he is.”

He smirked to himself, looking over to find Erin shaking her head. She turned back to her friends, and they began whispering to each other. He wondered if they were still talking about Sirius — trying to come up with a plan to get him in the classroom, or to track him down.

He almost felt guilty for confirming Sirius was in town at all.

From the speakers, the song changed, and Sirius’ rendition of Last Christmas came on. Remus felt like he was being haunted.

He stared at his computer screen, where the spotify playlist was open, now showing an image of Sirius’ album cover — what seemed to be an image of Sirius standing and holding up mistletoe, smirking at the camera.

Remus rolled his eyes, he turned back to the papers he’d been marking.

“Come in,” Sirius smiled when he opened the door, greeting Remus.

Snow was coming down faintly, fluttering in the air. It wasn’t cold enough to stick, but it made the streets around them more scenic, especially as the sun set and the streetlights came on.

Sirius was in a heavy black jumper, parts frayed enough to show the shirt he was wearing underneath. He stepped back, letting Remus into James and Lily’s house.

Remus took off his shoes, watching Sirius brush a hand through his hair. He looked casual compared to his other outfits — in a look fit for lounging around the house.

“Your face is all flushed from the cold,” he smiled at Remus, “Did you walk?”

“Against my better judgement. We have one car, and I didn’t know if Dora would need it.” Remus explained, taking his boots off.

Sirius leaned against the wall, arms crossed, as he watched him. They’d been alone since their make-up, but with Harry around. Now he was nowhere to be seen, and they had no more pretences.

No reason to play nice without Harry. Sirius ran his eyes over him, ending with the boots as they hit the ground.

“Those are rubbish boots, Lupin. You need new ones. Your foot’s going to come right out of the soul one of these days.”

“Don’t start. Tonks already tells me that enough.”

“Because she’s right. How old are they? Did you get them the week after we broke up or something? They look old enough.”

Remus shot him a look, and Sirius smiled back.

“Come along, then. Did you have a good day?”

“Is Harry around?”

“No. I said I’d watch him but he wants to see his friends from nursery school. Apparently they’re cooler than me.” Sirius snarked, before giving Remus a wider smile. “So we’ve got the place to ourselves.”

“Brilliant. You’ll really get your tiny venue.”

Sirius chuckled.

“You didn’t answer my question,” he went on, shooting Remus a glance over his shoulder, as he led him to his room. “How was your day? Were the kids good? Or were they miserable little demons with Christmas getting so close.”

“A bit of both. I gave them a project, something easier to focus on. They’ve heard you're here, and they about lost their mind when they found out I went to school with you. They want you to come into class now. I bet they’d ask for a personal concert too.”

“I can’t believe this. They’re using you for your connections,” Sirius laughed. “At least they like me, I guess. I’ve got fans.”

“You have no idea. They didn’t think you could be related to your family, apparently you’re too fit to be a tory.”

“I bloody am,” Sirius nodded, as they reached his bedroom door. He threw it open, and they walked in.

The same as it had been, a guest-room with minimal decoration. But it had Sirius’ suitcase open in one corner, and some of his clothes thrown out over the furniture. He had laid out a bunch of what appeared to be pages of notes — sheet-music. And one small journal Remus vaguely recognised from when they’d been together.

Now worn with age, the leather discoloured, it was his music journal. Remus raised his eyebrows.

“And you insulted me for my shoes. I thought this thing would be full by now.”

“It is. But you wanted the music about you, didn’t you?”

Sirius took the book from him, and then reached out a hand. Placing it on his chest, he shoved Remus lightly.

“Sit down, Lupin. I’m getting ready.”

Remus sat on the bed, watching Sirius move around the room, finding an old guitar which he brought over. It was worn, with scratches covering it.

“James still had it. I asked. I didn’t bring any of my new stuff, because I didn’t expect to be playing anything. This’ll do, though. I’ve tuned it.”

He sat on the bed across from Remus, folding his legs and then placing the guitar on his lap. He shot Remus a smile, this one a little nervous, as he flipped through the book.

“I think…” he nodded. “I think I have one.”

“Alright.” Remus suddenly felt nervous, watching Sirius look down at the guitar, getting his fingers ready.

He glanced up again, and Remus watched his brow draw together, the focus he got when he played. He’d almost forgotten that look, but it was the same as it had been seven years ago.

Seven years ago, when they’d sat like this on Remus’ childhood bed, with posters all around them and books on the side-table. When they were younger and yet somehow more sure of their future than either were now. Sirius playing him music, Remus convinced they’d spend the rest of their life just like that — together.

In the present, Sirius began playing, and Remus felt a shiver run up his spine, holding his breath as he watched him, watched his fingers move — long and thin. He had delicate hands, always had. Like the bones of a bird, He touched the strings with delicacy.

The fantasies Remus used to have about those hands…

Sirius started singing, and his voice was low and a little rough. Not like the voice Remus heard on the recordings, and not like he’d sung as a kid. He was nervous, he sang like someone trying to gain confidence.

Remus held very still, watching.

“Three months out, and our fate still stings

Waking up thinking you’ll be there again.

I try to find someone else, but I don’t feel a thing.”

Sirius cleared his throat, glancing at Remus. Remus stared back. He still wasn’t breathing. Sirius went on.

“If I could turn it all off, I’d have done it

If I could burn your name from my mind, I’d have forgot it

But you’re tattooed on my heart.

You’re a tattoo on my heart.”

The song went on, and Sirius played the guitar. His voice had stopped shaking, and the voice Remus knew well returned, watching Sirius focus on the playing, drawn into the art enough to forget to watch for Remus’ reaction.

Remus stared, watching Sirius’ fingers on the guitar, listening to each breath he took between verses.

He was a brilliant songwriter, Remus had always thought so. Even singing about his heartbreak. Remus could imagine Sirius back then — while Remus himself had been struggling through days of Uni — sitting awake at night and writing this while he thought of him.

It was good Remus had never heard any of this music, because if he had he might have done something foolish. Run off, found him in London, begged him to start things up again.

They’d both been so miserable, yet he’d convinced himself Sirius was happy, freed from him.

“Three months out, and you’re names still rings

In the back of my head, I’ll never be whole again

And I see your face in every crowd, making me break down.

Remus took a steadying breath, as Sirius got to the bridge again, and he wondered if he was fooling himself.

Because he’d never been good at declarations. And if he’d heard this song back then, if he’d known what Sirius was feeling, he might have just told himself things would right themselves out.

One more month, and it would go away. He knew that was wrong now, but back then he would have believed it. He’d have thought heartbreak had an end, and they both just had to wait it out.

Sirius had said it before, Remus was a coward.

The song ended, and Remus wiped at his face, watching Sirius do the same. His eyes were misty, he looked down at his journal of music and not at Remus.

“Usually I don’t get that emotional playing it.” Sirius said, “I guess it’s what you said before, the intimacy.”

His voice shook, and Remus sucked in a breath — the first one in a while. He felt light-headed and overwhelmed.

“It was beautiful, Sirius. You’re— you’re more talented than you have any right to be.”

Sirius sniffled, and he shot him a watery look. No smile, just searching eyes.

“You’re not upset about it?”

“No.”

“They do get worse. Some of them are angry.”

“I can handle your anger, Sirius.”

He nodded, and then he wiped his face again. Remus reached out to touch his knee, giving him a look of his own, eyebrows raising.

“You don’t have to play me anything if you don’t want.”

“I want to.” Sirius shook his head. “I like this more, getting to watch you. Otherwise— otherwise I’d just be imagining your reaction to my songs.”

“I love it,” Remus promised. “And I’ll probably love the ones where you talk shite about me too. I don't think I could bring myself to hate them, not even if I heard your songs back then. You’re too— they’re my favourite songs from you, they’re raw. Like I get a glimpse behind the mask you like to put on.”

“You always had access to the person behind the mask, Remus. Always. Even now.”

Remus shook his head, and he squeezed Sirius' knee again.

“It’s too bad,” He whispered, “that we’ve spent seven years not talking, that we— that we let ourselves float away. I should have— I should have been better back then. Because I missed you singing. I missed— I missed seeing you without the mask.”

Sirius pulled his leg back, he wiped his face again, even though the tears had stopped.

“Don’t say things like that, Remus. You make it hard to keep my head on. I’ll do something bad.”

“Like what?”

Sirius met his eyes, and Remus watched back, watching as his brows raised. He looked at him, and then he reached out to pick up his journal again.

“Next time this happens, you should bring Tonks.”

Remus didn’t know what that meant, he just watched Sirius pick another song, beginning to play the strings again.

He was right, as he began to sing, these lyrics were much angrier. Remus took them, though. He could handle his anger, he’d always been able to handle his anger.

Remus stared into the mug of his tea, only looking up when he heard a groan across from him, watching Tonks flop into the opposite seat at the kitchen table, rubbing her forehead.

“My head hurts from reading.”

He gave her an apologetic look. It was snowing outside, still. He could see it coming down from the window, and he was cold and drained from his time with Sirius.

Tonks eyed him.

“What’s that look?” She pointed at his face. “You look like you’ve just gotten the worst news of your life.”

“No, nothing like that. I saw Sirius this afternoon.”

“Don’t tell me you're fighting again. I thought you could survive the next month. You promised—”

“We’re not fighting. The opposite actually.” Remus trailed off, staring down at his tea again. He remembered their moment, the feeling as Sirius sang.

He looked at Tonks again. Her, in joggers with her hair still a mess, looking like she’d just rolled out of bed. The woman he woke up next to, the woman he loved.

He felt a little ill, a little afraid. He decided to stare at his tea again.

“We talked it out a bit. I heard some of his— his songs. About us, about me.”

“Oh.” Tonks frowned, “You feel guilty.”

“I feel a whole lot,” Remus snorted. “I feel like I’ve spent seven years—”

“Seven years what?” Tonks had narrowed her eyes.

“Nothing,” Remus shook his head, decided she was not the person to talk to about this. Saying anything he wanted to about his ex would worry her, and he didn’t want to worry her. “It doesn’t matter. This is where I am now, isn’t it? With you. This is where I want to be.”

The words were sour on his tongue, but he smiled. He watched Tonks nod back, though it didn’t reach her eyes.

“Don’t lie to save my feelings, Remus. You said you feel like you spent seven years… what? Wasting them?”

“Tonks,” Remus sighed, “It’s not about you. It’s— I just missed him. Is that a problem?”

“No.” She shook her head, she sighed. “He was your best friend before anything. I’m okay with that. As long— I’m still your fiancée.”

“Right.” Remus nodded, and he smiled at her. “You’re still my fiancée.”

“That’s all that matters. I have you, and if— if you want to reconnect with an old friend I’m not going to stop you. I’m not jealous. I told you when we first met, I don’t get jealous.”

Remus smiled again, leaning over to kiss her.

“Thank you.” He said, and when he pulled back he felt no better. Even as he smiled, he felt no better. There was a tangle of emotions in him he needed to work out.

He missed their relationship before Sirius had come back, when everything had been simpler. His emotions were simpler, his life was simpler. Easier, plain, survivable.

Everyday with Sirius back felt like braving an ocean. A feeling he loved yet felt terrified by, like an addiction he couldn’t shake. Sirius was still dangerous, but Remus couldn’t bring himself to stay away.

Remus ended up at the Potters’ cottage again the next day, standing in front of the door — staring at their wreath, which was coated in a layer of frost. The day was cold, the dew frozen from the temperature drop.

He knocked, and he bundled deeper into his coat, and he waited.

Sirius was the one to open the door, appearing in a Bowie t-shirt and a pair of fitted jeans. The t-shirt left his arms visible, and for the first time Remus got a good look at his new tattoos.

Up both arms, Remus couldn’t make out all of them, just knew there were alot. He caught sight of what looked like stars, a constellation of some kind. And on the other arm what looked like flowers. Remus had to resist inching closer just to better inspect them all — even new, the tattoos felt distinctly Sirius Black in a way he liked.

Sirius looked at Remus, he looked around as if searching for someone behind him.

“I just got off work,” Remus explained. It was true, he’d gone right over. “I wanted… are you busy?”

“No,” Sirius offered him a small smile. He stepped back, but Remus hovered in the doorway a second more.

“I thought we could walk around. I wanted to show you a new shop in town. I love it, I guess… Tonks is working for the rest of the day and I don’t want to bother her.”

“You don’t need to come up with an excuse to spend time with me.” Sirius smirked. “I’ll get my jacket. You get in here until I do. The last thing James and Lily need is for you to be sick during their big day.”

He beckoned Remus in, and he came with little hesitation, letting Sirius close the door behind him. Remus stood in the entryway, watching Sirius rush to his room for his leather jacket, and he stared around.

Harry’s winter boots were on the floor by the door out, tossed down. There was a toy placed on the stand not far, besides a decorative lamp. It was lived-in, a home for a family.

Remus wondered if that was the future for him and Tonks, if they’d end up like this. It was what they were meant to do, wasn’t it? To settle down. They were not kids anymore.

Sirius came back, having wrapped himself in a scarf and stuffed his hair into a hat. As Remus noticed the lack of hair, Sirius glowered.

“It’s called going stealth.”

“Oh, right.” Remus nodded, and Sirius shot him another look.

“What? Do you not like it?”

“I like your hair longer,” Remus shrugged, “But you honestly look good anyway.”

“You charmer.” Sirius smiled, patting him on the arm. “Let’s go.”

He walked out the door, and Remus followed, stiffening at the bite of cold. His face was already flushed from it, and he could see Sirius’ nose beginning to stain pink.

He shot Remus a smirk as he stood on the pavement, waving around.

“Where to? You know this village better than me.”

Remus nodded down the road.

“Follow me, Black. It’ll be worth it, I promise. Maybe it’ll give you some ideas for Christmas presents.”

“For you?” Sirius shook his head, “We’ll see about that. I’ve got plans already.”

He winked, and Remus rolled his eyes.

“Even then, you could still look around.”

They passed some the first of the shops, even more of the windows done-over for the holidays, garlands hanging off of tables and lights hanging from the roofs.

Passing the tree at the centre of town, Remus glanced Sirius’ way again, watching him rub his hands together — trying to stay warm even through the gloves.

“What have you been doing all day? When we work, what do you do?”

“I work too. Not with anything big. I’m taking the month off from the shows and the worst of the business side of it. But I’ve been writing. I think by the end of this I’ll have a whole album.”

“Still about me?”

“Don’t get your hopes too high, Lupin. I have a lot to write about. Being home, there’s so much to haunt me that isn’t you.”

He looked around, taking in the streets, searching the faces of the people they passed. But none were his family, and Remus nudged into his shoulder.

“Well, I’m hoping for at least one song about me, that’s it. The rest don’t have to be.”

“You might not want any if you heard them.” Sirius said, and then he bit his lip. “Some of them are still angry.”

“Some,” Remus winced. He wondered when that stopped. As much as they got along, there was still so much between them — too much, maybe, to ever properly work through. “I think I could like it anyway.”

Sirius laughed to himself, ducking his head.

They made it to the shop, stopping in front. A tiny brownstone building, just like the rest of the town. The window display had a cut-out Santa holding a book in his hand, reading to a row of kids.

Across from it, there was a table of Holiday-related books, displayed for anyone who passed.

“You took me to a book shop,” Sirius snorted. “You swot.”

“You’ll survive.” Remus gave him a look, “How about you give it a try? I love this place, and— well, I wanted to go today. I thought it was better to go with someone.”

He opened the door in, a bell ringing. The interior was small and cosy, with walls of books, rows lining the place. There was one other couple in the far back, and a woman on her phone by the register.

The shop was warmer, at least, warm enough for Sirius to sigh and appear relieved. He shot Remus a look.

“It really is a bookshop.”

“Oh, shut up.” Remus rolled his eyes, before leading him deeper, heading for the lit-fic section as Sirius eyed the shelves.

“Look at this,” Sirius paused near one shelf, making Remus stop. He was grinning as he pulled a book toward him, showing off an image of him in the corner — a pop-culture book covered in different celebrities.

“You are famous,” Remus nodded, “Are you going to buy it just to show off? because I think the girl at the cash register might notice.”

“You could buy it for me, unless it’s too much of a blow to your ego to buy…” Sirius seemed to read the cover for the first time. “Celebrity fashion: A Critique. Oh, are they insulting me?”

He started to flip through, looking at the pages and doing very little actual reading.

“Sirius,” Remus stole the book from him, making Sirius let out a huff of annoyance. “Who cares what they think, alright? We can put the book down.”

“I don’t care. But I think I’m at least decent at dressing myself. I have a stylist for the real showstoppers too.”

“You look good in every picture I see,” Remus agreed, staring down at the miniature photo of him on the cover. He did look good, he was wearing a mesh top and what looked like leather pants, hair slicked back and dark makeup around his eyes.

Remus put the book back, he shot Sirius a smile.

“Really, they don’t know what they’re talking about. I like the outfit, I like this one too.”

He pulled at Sirius’ scarf lightly, and he watched Sirius break into a smile, ducking his head to look away from him and then back again.

“You flirt.” He said again, before brushing past Remus — doing so before the smile could properly fall off Remus' face.

He hadn’t been flirting. He looked around, like someone might appear and tell him off. He hadn’t been flirting, though. He’d simply said the truth, and there was a big difference.

Remus went back to the lit-fic section, searching through. He’d gotten a couple recommendations from kids in his class, and he had a full plan on taking them.

As he did, Sirius leaned against the shelves beside him, watching him the entire time. Remus could feel his eyes digging into him.

“Have you brought Tonks here before?”

The question was innocuous, Remus didn’t even look over at Sirius as he slid his fingers along the book spines.

He nodded

“Yeah, loads of times. She loves it too. She loves reading, obviously. We connected over it, back in Uni. She reads so much horror, from all over too. She’s a bit of a fiend for it.”

He found what he was looking for, yanking a book out and turning to show it to Sirius. As he displayed the cover, he noticed Sirius’ expression had quieted.

He was thinking very hard about something, brow drawing together.

“What?” Remus asked, and Sirius shook his head. He patted him lightly on the arm.

“Just happy for you.” He promised, and Remus didn’t believe him, watching Sirius step away. “Though not too happy. I think she’s out of your league.”

Remus rolled his eyes.

“You’re both out of my league, we’ve always known this.”

Sirius laughed.

“Please. I’m not.” He promised, “You just like to pretend about those things to make yourself feel better. To make it seem like we won’t work. Self-sabotage.”

He over-enunciates the word, and Remus bit back another comment, finding it stung — the closest they’d come to another argument. He shook his head.

“Maybe.”

“Chin-up, Remus. You’ve got her now, don’t you? You have what you want.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows, and Remus didn’t know when he’d gotten close again but he was, searching in Remus’ eyes like he was trying to find something.

“You said it yourself, this is what you want. Isn’t it?”

With hesitation, Remus nodded.

“‘Course.”

Sirius beamed.

“Then ignore me, yeah? Ignore me, and let’s get that book for you.”

Chapter Text

Sirius

The sky was overcast again, flurries lit by the streetlamps as they turned on — twilight making the village burst with lights, including the Christmas tree at the very centre.

Sirius was out, he had wanted a bit of fresh air. He’d put a hat on, tucking his hair away and wrapping his scarf up high. He’d even put on James’ coat, doing everything he could to disguise himself while still getting a chance to walk.

The flurries were beautiful, the first bit of winter. When he was a kid, he’d loved winter, if only because it meant he could go to the Potter’s for Christmas. Their holiday parties had been the best, and he’d spent hours — even if it was stolen, running off for the day — sitting under the tree opening presents James’ parents had gotten for him.

Now that he was older, he’d had little in the way of great Christmases lately. Most of them he spent in London, he instead went to parties or spent the day writing or alone. He and Marlene had spent Christmas together last year, drinking wine and watching Die Hard.

But this year would be different. He could feel it. He’d be around to watch Harry open presents, and he’d be with family. As many fears as he had being home, as many ghosts followed him, that at least was nice.

He walked all the way to the town centre, where the tree stood tall above him, a small pond behind it — the very centre of the village, shops circling it. The lake was already frozen over. There was a path around it people could walk.

The pond was no different from when he was a kid, and the Christmas tree was familiar too. It was the most he ever got of Christmas when he was very young. His mother had never liked the decorations, she hated everything frivolous.

It had always been about Jesus to her, and that meant prayer and little more. Sirius, on the other hand, was obsessed with frivolity.

The snow caught in the lights, dancing in the glow of the tree, and Sirius smiled, pulling the scarf off his face for a second to take a deep breath of the cold air — the scent of pine strong.

“Sirius?”

He froze with his hand still raised. Turning, he expected to find a fan staring, one who had spotted him in the short time his scarf had been lowered, but instead he came face-to-face with something much worse.

Regulus was still wearing his suit, hair slicked back, looking nothing like the boy he’d known. His face was more gaunt than at seventeen — the last time they’d seen each other. There was a fresh hollowness to his eyes.

He looked Sirius up and down, wearing a jacket over the suit and nothing more. He raised an eyebrow.

“I heard rumours you were here.”

Sirius held himself taller, taking a step back.

“I don’t want to talk to you. I won’t— you won’t convince me to see her.”

Regulus shook his head, his frown growing.

“You haven’t changed,” he sighed. “Are you going to run again? Look, we should talk.”

“About what?” Sirius crossed his arms, glaring his brother down. The anger was rising in him, all the things unsaid over the years. He was so upset that he could barely remember to be scared someone would recognise him.

“What do you think?” Regulus frowned. “The past seven years you’ve been gone. Don’t tell me you’re not interested. You’re my brother still, whether you’ll admit it or not. Things have changed.”

“No? They’ve changed? Really?” Sirius scoffed, and then he looked down at the ground beneath him, the snow beginning to layer over it.

He let out a long sigh, because he knew he would say yes. He hated it, but even with his heart pounding like he was about to be shot — even with the feeling this was all some kind of trap — he did want to know. He wanted to hear from Regulus.

I’ll give you ten minutes.” Sirius muttered. When he looked up, Regulus didn’t even have the decency to smirk back. He never smirked, and he only nodded now.

“Come.”

He walked off, and with a groan Sirius followed, remembering a second later to pull the scarf up again, hiding his face as they moved along, past the tree and the lake and over to a small Café.

They had a tiny Christmas tree inside too, standing in a far corner of the place. The rest of the room was warm, made up of shades of brown. The smell of fresh-roasted coffee beans was in the air.

Regulus took the spot beside the tree, allowing Sirius to sit facing him and away from the rest of the cafe.

Sirius leaned back, arms still crossed, and did his best to make it clear he was miserable and unhappy, eyes narrowed. Regulus had been his brother once, but now — just from his clothes — it was obvious he was their mother’s minion.

“Talk.” Sirius said, waving a hand at him.

Regulus rolled his eyes.

“Maman is dead.”

Sirius choked, actually choked, eyes widening. He stared at Regulus, waiting for him to admit he was joking.

But Regulus did not make jokes.

“What? You’re lying to me.”

“I’m not. She died in February. We buried her in the family graveyard. Father is on his way too, I doubt he’ll make it to next Christmas.”

“If this is your way of trying to get me to see him, I won’t,” Sirius crossed his arms, even as the news made him reel.

He couldn’t believe it. After years of torture from the woman, she couldn’t just die. It was too human of a thing to do.

“I’m not,” Regulus shook his head. “I’ve been getting ready to take over the assets when they’re gone. As their sole heir, everything would go to me.”

“Well then, good for you.” Sirius wrinkled his nose. “What happened to you, Regulus? You were a good kid once, now you’re vying for a chance to get your hands on dirty money. Planning on taking over their business too? Black Corporation is all yours.”

“I will take over it. Everything will be under my control.”

Sirius snorted. “Fucking capitalist. It’s blood money, Regulus.”

“Easy to say when you’re rich off prancing around a stage.” Regulus shot him a glare.

Straightening, Sirius pointed at him, waving his finger at his suit.

“You’re like a little worker bee following the hive. I can barely see any of the boy I knew. It’s startling. You were already being slowly drained when I left, but now it’s just…”

Sirius shook his head again. Regulus glowered.

“Would you be quiet for half a second and let me finish?” He asked. “And stop insulting my survival.”

“It’s not survival, it’s licking the fucking boot. I’d never.”

“You’ve always made that clear.” Regulus’ voice grew colder, and then he wiped his hair back — still slicked, still looking like a miniature version of their father. “You might not like it, but if the company doesn’t go to me, it’ll go to someone else, like Lucius, and we both know he’ll be no better than they were.”

“So you’ll be the more humane option?”

“I can shut it down. Get to the top and then get rid of the entire company,” Regulus hissed, “Liquidise it and take the money for myself, get rich and get rid of them. It was always about holding out for me. You could never think farther ahead than the next few seconds.”

Sirius was silent, staring at his brother. He shook his head indignantly.

“I’d never play along with their game. I still— I still think you’re full of shite.”

Regulus sighed, and then he shook his head.

“Whatever. I thought you should know she was dead, but obviously you’re intent on viewing us all as monsters equally.”

He reached into his pocket, pulling out a pen and a tiny notebook where he scribbled something down, ripping the small page out and handing it over.

Sirius took it, looking down at a phone number.

“If you ever decide you can stand my face,” Regulus said, “it’s my burner phone.”

“You have a burner phone?” Sirius smirked, and he watched Regulus narrow his eyes.

“Yes. Believe it or not, I’m not actually their clone. I have a life, and one they might not approve of.”

Sirius snorted, but Regulus did not joke. In the end, Sirius took the paper and tucked it away, watching his brother stand a leave.

With that, Sirius was back on his own. His mind was spiralling. In the end, his thoughts stuck on one thing — his mother was dead.

Sirius eventually made himself walk back to the Potter’s cottage, feet carrying him there.

The truth had gotten no more easy to comprehend, his mother’s death still strange and alien. He wanted to be happy about it — wanted something more than the emptiness.

He should be relieved to know she was gone, Walburga Black now truly only a ghost. He would not catch sight of her in the village, not that she’d ever liked going out much anyway. She’d never liked the everyday people, and their plain ordinary lives.

Sirius didn’t feel any relief over her death. He felt empty and strange. He thought he’d be able to sense when it happened, like the darkness she created in his life would disperse. It almost angered him, knowing her death did not solve anything.

His life was just the same. The emptiness dull. He’d fantasised about her dying as a kid, when it had felt like freedom. But it had been years, and he had freedom, and her death changed nothing.

The sky was black by the time he made it to James and Lily’s, walking to the front door just as he noticed a figure already there, Remus standing with his hands in his pockets.

In the glowing yellow of their Christmas lights, he smiled at Sirius, taking his face in.

“I was just coming to see if anyone was around,” Remus explained, rubbing the back of his neck as he glanced back toward the door. “And see what they need help with for the wedding. If anything.”

Sirius smiled, nodding.

“Well, I don’t know what they need. But I’ll let you in.”

He cleared his throat, taking two steps towards the door and then stopping. He turned back towards Remus, his smile falling.

Remus’ brows drew together in immediate concern.

“I— uh, I talked to my brother today.” Sirius said, and his voice came out quiet. He spoke a little louder. “My mother is dead.”

He nodded after he said it, the words strange to his ears. They made him feel just as hollow as when Regulus first told him — nothing more than an empty pit in his stomach.

No relief, no excitement. He didn’t feel anything.

“Sirius—” Remus stepped towards him, appearing unsure of what he meant to do, but obviously wanting to provide some comfort. He held a hand out before dropping it. “How do you feel?”

“I feel nothing,” Sirius snorted, and he frowned to himself. “I never thought she’d die. She was like a vampire, she’d live forever just to torture me. And with her gone… I just can’t believe it.”

Remus nodded, ducking his head, and Sirius wiped at his face.

“I want to be happy. I’m annoyed that I’m not happy, but it’s— it’s still not real to me. And it doesn’t make anything better. My past is still the same. She died, and I’m still just as fucked up because of her.”

Remus finally reached out, putting a hand on his arm.

“I know the feeling. When my dad passed, it felt like I had a hole in me. I felt— I wanted to be relieved, but it made me feel guilty. Like I’d wasted all my time waiting for him to go. And now what?”

Remus shook his head.

“I planned his burial on my own, put him in the ground, and just went on. Like nothing changed at all. Sometimes I still catch myself forgetting, and that feels strange. Because it’s never relieving that he’s gone. Obviously he was never like your mother…”

“Where’d you bury him?” Sirius asked, “I didn’t even watch her go in the ground. I’m glad for it, but maybe it would feel different… She’s been gone since February.”

“We buried him in the village lot. It’s just a short drive from here.” Remus looked off in one direction, and then sniffled. It was the cold more than anything, stinging their faces and making their eyes sting and noses run.

They should go in, see James and Lily — who had to have gotten back by then, bringing Harry home from nursery school along with them.

“I think I should go back sometime. I’m still a little angry with myself for never having it out with him. I want closure, but he’s a gravestone. Still, going on like I have…”

“I’d go with you,” Sirius promised. He shook his head after. “If you want, obviously. I’m not forcing you, or inviting myself. Well, I guess I am inviting myself a bit.”

He winced, and Remus let out a small laugh.

“Sure.” he said, “Yeah, you’d make things better. I’d like that.”

Sirius gave him a small smile back, and he stepped towards the door, taking the knob.

“You never have to face him alone, Remus. You know that, right? You never had to, not back then and not now.”

Remus smiled back at him, the kind of smile that lit his eyes, and Sirius opened the door and stepped through, trying to stifle the way his heart quickened its beat.

He’d always loved that look.

Remus Lupin had always been an enigma. Sirius understood him, to an extent, but sometimes that made it worse. To know but never to touch, to see but never to truly have.

He’d healed over his heart as much as he could in the past seven years, and he’d moved on. He’d kept moving, he’d done his job and he’d found the thrill of performance.

He’d spilled his guts in lyrics, and he’d fucked people for fun — just for fun — and he’d moved on. He’d done what he could.

But now he was back in the place he’d grown up, and Remus had decided not to hate him anymore, and Sirius was slowly losing his mind.

Because nothing had changed, not really. If anything, things were worse. They had never been more over, their relationship in the far far past. And yet with each outing they went on, Sirius was hit with the emotions he’d tried to kill.

Remus was the same as he had been — if a bit older — with his quiet smiles and his quiet humour. He took Sirius to book shops and he listened to Sirius play and he complimented him until Sirius felt like he might tip over.

He was holding himself back, because he was smarter than that, but the feelings remained. He was a fool, and the feelings remained.

Only a week before the wedding, Sirius climbed into the car with Remus, sitting side-by-side as they rode out the graveyard at the edge of the village.

It had started with a simple question, and ended with them there. Sirius watched as Remus flipped through radio stations, and he smiled to himself as the sun came in — casting Remus’ face in gold.

They’d slipped back into their old banter too easily, like it was second-nature. Sirius felt it, the calm that echoed between them. He and Remus had always worked, he’d forgotten just how well.

“Are you going to find anything you like? Why not just listen to spotify?”

“And hear a hundred ads?” Remus huffed.

“Fine then,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “let me put something on. I’ll just plug in my phone. No ads.”

“Just what I was hoping for, seventies rock.” Remus rolled his eyes, and Sirius shot him a smirk as he grabbed for the aux, plugging his phone in.

He turned on his own album, the newest, and Remus snorted.

“Never mind, you’re even more self-obsessed than I thought.”

“You always knew I was a narcissist. Unless the last seven years gave you amnesia.”

“No, I remember.” Remus shot him a smirk of his own, “Maybe I just forgot how egregious it was. I’m surprised you haven’t found a way to marry yourself, there has to be a first for everything.”

“It would end up being dull. I like variety. Being stuck married to only myself for eternity?” Sirius shook his head, “And to be quite honest, I think we’d end up killing each other.”

“No, you?” Remus was still smiling. “I’d have never thought.”

As Sirius’ song continued to play, Remus glanced at it. The song was not about him, it was just about going out clubbing — causing trouble and enjoying it. Kissing someone else’s boyfriend.

Sirius was pretty sure he’d had a think piece or two written about him over that line. They’d probably be beside themselves if they saw him now.

Not that he was doing anything. He wasn’t even trying to break Remus and Tonks up. He was just in the car.

“So, you actually mean that?” Remus asked, clearing his throat. “You don’t want commitment anymore? It seems like, when we were kids, you wanted something that lasted.”

“Yeah, with you.” Sirius said, and then realised how that came off. He looked away, out the front window. They were moving down the street slowly — they had to, with how many kids rushed around. “I guess I gave up after you. I’ve basically said as much before.”

Remus was quite too, Sirius didn’t know what he was thinking.

“It’s strange, songs like this,” Remus began, “Because I always saw that part of you as a performance more than anything. Before we got together, or when I’d— when we’d fight and you’d decide since we weren’t ‘really together’ you’d flirt with someone for the night. It’s not something I thought you ever really wanted.”

Sirius frowned at him, watching as Remus remained dead-focused on the road. He felt a lump in his throat, and he shook his head.

“Maybe you’re right. I guess I always liked the grandeur, the act of being larger than life. The songs work like that. But I’m not acting now.”

“No.” Remus said, and then he smiled to himself. “I like to think I know you too well to fall for anything like that.”

Sirius didn’t smile back, deciding to look at his hands again. He felt unsettled by the conversation, thinking about every night out he’d had over the past few years — more than he could count, drinking or smoking or getting high out of his mind.

Bodies, and touching, and more things — choosing someone with brown eyes, with the right curls, with the right freckles. He was pathetic like that. He’d written a song about it, it was more recent. He didn’t think Remus knew about the song yet.

He hoped not, anyway.

They pulled into the cemetery, and Sirius got out at the same time as Remus. They stood together, and Sirius frowned.

“You don’t have to—”

“I want to. I want to show you, because— well, because it’ll feel better. Maybe it can be closure.”

Sirius didn’t know who it would be closure for. His mother was a wound that would never close over. And in terms of Lyall Lupin himself, Sirius certainly felt no closure from this, only a better kind of resentment. Remus had lost any chance he had of confronting his father — Sirius had only ever wanted that.

Remus led him through the tombstones, eventually reaching a plain one in the back, new and shining compared to the others.

Lyall Lupin, buried beside Hope — his wife, who had died when Remus was only eleven years old. He’d still been mourning her death when they’d met, in a foul mood and attempting to sock Sirius’ in the face when he told him he looked like rubbish.

Sirius had been an arse back then, he was only marginally better now. Remus had been angry, but that had left him as he grew. He was calmer in the present. An adult now, he was the one with sense — or at least he thought so. Sometimes sense was just a better word for fear.

“Hi Dad,” Remus grimaced. He looked at Sirius again. “It’s weird, isn’t it? The tombstone feels so… small. He feels small when you stand here.”

“Maybe he was always small.”

Remus let out a watery laugh.

“He never liked Tonks, you know. He thought she was too ‘out there’, as he put it. I was so scared bringing her home. I kept thinking afterwards that there might not have been a difference between bringing you home or her home. He’ll just hate anyone. Boy or girl, none of them will ever be good enough.”

Remus wiped his face, and Sirius reached out to take his hand, feeling the strain Remus was under in the tightness of his muscles.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said, and it took a second for Sirius to realise he was talking to him and not the tombstone. “I don’t think I said it properly before. But I was— I was so scared when we were younger, and I hurt you. I hurt you in my fear. But it was never about you. You have to know that. It was about me, and it was about him. I had all these thoughts in my head about how people looked at me, and what they thought. And I convinced myself you’d be better without me, that I was a drain and I was sucking you in. I thought it was for the better, ending things. I truly truly never wanted to hurt you.”

Sirius nodded, watching Remus’ eyes shine. He paused for a second before reaching out and wiping the tears from his eyes.

“I knew all that, Remus. I always knew that. I wasn’t angry with you for breaking it off, I was angry at you for why. I hated you because of your fear.”

“I’m sorry.”

Sirius shook his head.

“You can’t make it better. It’ll always be the way things were, and the way things ended. But we can try things now, as they are now. Just be better.”

Remus nodded. He looked at the grave.

“I spent so much of my life in fear of what he’d think, trying to gain his approval.” He shook his head. “I feel like it was all wasted. But I can start anew. I’m free with him gone, I just wish I was brave enough when he was still around. I wish I could have told him who I was.”

Sirius squeezed his hand. He looked at the grave.

“Do you have a lighter?”

Remus gave him a look, and Sirius shook his head.

“Right, you quit.”

He went for his pocket, pulling out a cigarette anyway, and then without lighting it dropped it on the dirt beside the grave, using his shoe to press it in.

“Fuck you.” he told the headstone, and Remus rolled his eyes.

“I’m pretty sure that’s some kind of felony.”

“I’ll pay for it.” Sirius smirked at him, “It’s about revenge, it’s worth it. I hope he can taste the ash in hell.”

Remus took his arm, still wearing a small smile as he began to lead Sirius away.

“I should have realised you can’t behave. Still just like you were as a teenager.”

“Oi, I take offence to that. I’d have pissed on his grave back then.”

Remus chuckled, and Sirius could see his face easing — the tension leaving as they walked away from the grave, back to his car.

The drive back was quieter. The sun was setting, and the light was golden. Sirius didn’t play his album this time, instead turning on some older rock music station, and watching Remus mouth along to the lyrics.

He never sang them properly, not unless Sirius pushed. He didn’t bother then, instead resting his head on the headrest and staring — soaking in the sight of him.

Remus in the afternoon was a sight. He was always a sight, but the golden light did wonders for him, making the highlights of his hair shine, making his skin flush. He was so alive like this, beautifully alive.

Sirius didn’t know how he’d gone seven years without him. The idea of going another year without him — before the next Christmas — already hurt a little. He made Sirius’ head quiet for a second, made his breathing come easier.

Remus hummed, and he shot Sirius a smile.

“You made this easier, you know. Today felt like a weight off my shoulders. You’re like a miracle.”

Sirius smiled, and his throat suddenly hurt. He blinked past the emotions hitting him, wondering what Remus was thinking.

Seven years had passed, but was this friendship? Was this closed-wounds leading to something new?

Remus reached out and patted him on the knee, and Sirius stared at the point of contact, warmth thawing through his fears.

This had happened at the bookshop too, the doubts getting loud only to be washed away by a smile, by the warmth of Remus’ brown eyes. He could still quiet all the fears.

It had been like that when they were kids too. When alone, Sirius would wonder about the secrets and the weight of it all. But when together, Sirius would almost forget — forget until he was pushed away, until Remus told him to stop being obvious with harsh eyes.

Remus Lupin was dangerous like that.

“Just so you know, once you write your song about me, I’m going to need you to never tell anyone,” Remus said, “I mean no talking about me in interviews, no saying I’m your muse. I don’t need that embarrassment.”

But you are my muse,” Sirius frowned, “What’s embarrassing about that?”

“Being known as the ex-boyfriend of Sirius Black? Maybe it’s not embarrassing, maybe it’s just… pathetic. I don’t need the whole world to know I lost you. It’s a pretty big mistake to make, right?”

Sirius eyed him, and then he shook his head. It hurt, Remus’ words hurt. He wished Remus would think before he spoke, but he was worse at that than most would assume. Especially like this, with his guard down and a smile on his face.

“Well, you haven’t quite lost me.” Sirius reasoned, “I’m right here. Easy enough to find again.” Sirius poked him in the side, and he watched Remus’ expression fall immediately. He squinted ahead at the road, and Sirius didn’t know what that meant.

They pulled up to James and Lily’s cottage not longer after, and Remus turned off the car. For a second, they both sat, and then Remus turned towards him, fixing Sirius with a look.

“Before you go…” Remus shook his head, “I know I already thank you, but—”

“You don’t need to. I was happy to come along, Remus. I told you.”

Remus shook his head.

“But it’s more than that. I’m just so glad we’re talking again. I’m so glad you’re giving me a chance. All of this, all the time we’ve spent together, it’s been the best part of December so far.”

Sirius nodded, deciding to hold his breath, waiting as Remus went on.

“I missed you. I missed you so much, and I don’t think I even realised how much until now.”

“I missed you too.”

Remus smiled, something soft in his eyes that was both fond and sad.

“I don’t know how I survived seven years without talking to you. We’re just— you have to feel it too. We work together, we get on so well. I feel like— it almost scares me how easy it is to tell you things. It’s never been like that for anyone else.”

A light in his eyes as he took Sirius in, he leaned closer across the seats of the car, as if sharing in a secret.

“I thought I’d made it up after a while. I was convinced that I’d turned you into a god in my head, something no one could ever live up to. Rose-coloured classes and all that. That’s what I said with Tonks, that’s what I kept telling myself when I thought about you. It was a fantasy, it was self-sabotage. So I forgot about it, and I said yes to her.”

Sirius was frozen, unsure where this was going. He felt like it was something, like a confession, and he was about ready to fall right into it, intoxicated by the intensity with which Remus spoke.

“But you’re back, and it wasn’t a fantasy I made up. It’s just us, isn’t it? We get each other.”

Remus let out a breath, appearing relieved to have all that off his chest. He shook his head.

“Shame it’s now. Shame it’s— well, we’ve both moved on.”

Sirius let out a breath, closing his eyes. He felt like he’d been stabbed, like he’d been betrayed. He felt like he was being led on.

“If you— you don’t feel like you can talk to Tonks?” Sirius asked, attempting to keep his voice calm. He knew it sounded off, but it was the best he could do.

He watched Remus frown.

“It’s hard. It’s always been hard, like there’s a wall up and sometimes I can’t bring it down. Out of fear, out of worry over being judged. It’s just hard.”

“Don’t you think you should trust her before you…”

Remus pulled back, and Sirius reached out to take his arm, stopping him. He caught his eyes.

“I’m not being an arse. I just want you to tell me honestly right now. What do you want?”

Remus continued to stare at him, he didn’t answer. Sirius shook his head.

“When we were younger…”

“It’s what everyone does when they grow up,” Remus spoke over him, “I know you’re different, but it’s real life. You settle down, you settle-in. Right? That’s just how it works, and I can’t run forever. Self-sabotage, right?”

“We’re twenty-five. We’re in our twenties,” Sirius shook his head, “We don’t need to settle down. Fuck, most people our age are still single! They can’t even afford houses, let alone kids. James and Lily started young, and maybe it makes you feel… feel like you have to play catch-up. Maturity isn’t rushing into things, though. Muterity isn’t… fucking your life and her life up because you think it’s what you’re supposed to do.”

Remus shook his head.

“I want this, Sirius.”

Sirius took his hand off Remus’ arm. He held both up in defeat.

“Alright then.” He said, “Ignore me. I just think—” he shook his head, “Well, I guess I quite like getting to talk to you too Remus. Maybe it’s too easy for us to tell each other how we feel.”

“You think it’s a bad thing.”

Sirius shrugged, and then he shot Remus a smirk.

“It’s whatever you want it to be. We can be whatever you want us to be. Friends? Fine.”

He got out of the car, and Remus was silent. He closed the car door, and Remus was silent.

He walked into the door of the Potter’s home, and he could hear Harry somewhere deeper in, currently playing with Lily. Sirius took his shoes off, and he made it about five steps to the kitchen before he felt tears welling.

He sat down at the kitchen table, wiping his face as he fended off the breakdown. He remembered what Remus had said, and it made him bitter, laughing wetly as he wiped at his face.

He was a fucking idiot. An idiot who had let this happen to himself, who had walked right into the lion’s den and then been shocked by the outcome. He was being led on.

“Sirius?”

James appeared at the door, and Sirius could do nothing to school his features in time, shooting him a watery smile. Letting out another low chuckle.

“Fuck, sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. Is it— did something happen with Remus?”

Sirius let out a choked noise, covering his face with his hands as if that would hide the evidence of his breakdown. He felt when James put a hand on his back, a comforting pressure.

“Look, what did he say? What do you need? I thought you too were doing better…”

“I’m in love with him.”

Sirius said it aloud, for the first time in seven years. It was the truth — had perhaps been the truth the entire time. He heard James suck in a breath.

“And the more time we spent together the harder it gets because—” Sirius bit his lip. “Fuck, James he says these things. He says these things and I— I think there’s no way he’s not feeling it too.”

“Remus has Tonks, Sirius.”

“I’m not trying to break them up! Not anymore. I don’t care— I’m not trying to ruin his life. But then— then he says things…”

He peaked out from between his fingers, finding James’ face grave.

“You know what he said today?” Sirius asked, and he dropped his hands. He let out another humourless laugh, shaking his head. “He said he made me into a god in his head, and that he convinced himself his memories of me were too perfect to exist. He said he could never talk to anyone like he talks to me, not even her. So tell me, James, what the fuck do I do with that?”

James was dead silent, he seemed to be thinking it over. He shook his head.

“Let him figure it out,” He sighed, “We can’t start meddling, and I know you’ll want to. We have to let him figure it out. And we have to hope. Listen, I know you think that means something, but he is happy with her. If it comes down to it, you have to let him be happy with her.”

Sirius set his jaw. His nodding was stiff, because in the end he wasn’t sure he agreed.

“He made his choice, Sirius.” James went on, “Even if he said all that. There’s more to relationships than trust.”

“How do you think she’d feel if she knew he said that?”

James was silent again, and it was confirmation enough for Sirius. He wiped his face.

“Fuck, Remus Lupin.” He shook his head, “He’s still such a fucking mess, isn’t he? Seven years, and he’s still just the same.”

“Maybe.” James sighed, and then he sat beside Sirius. “He’s gotten better at hiding it, though.”

As Sirius sniffled the tears away, they both thought about that for a long while.

Tonks

Life was strange.

Tonks was alone for the afternoon, sitting by the window and watching flurries come down.

Only a little over a week until James and Lily’s wedding. She was desperate for it to be done with, because December had been strange and unwelcome in a lot of ways.

Remus’ past had been revealed a little more, and her world tipped upside down. She’d been working a lot, but more because it made her feel normal. She needed that, it kept her thoughts steady.

Because outside of work, everything felt different. Remus felt different.

He’d been smiling more lately. She’d noticed a few days after he and Sirius made up. She’d noticed the way he smiled to himself — as if remembering something. He didn’t talk to her about it, he hadn’t really talked to her at all.

She only knew what he’d first said — his ex, bad memories of bad times, they were getting better. She hoped that truly was all that was going on. She wasn’t a jealous person, and she trusted Remus, but sometimes the way he looked at Sirius — the way his eyes got when she brought him up — made her stomach squeeze.

But he was Remus’ best friend, apparently. Even if she hadn’t gotten to know until now. He was his best friend, and Remus trusted enough to tell her a bit. He trusted her enough to let her know when they went out.

He wasn’t lying to her. And she trusted him. She just couldn’t get rid of the nagging.

It was there that afternoon, as she stared at the snow. Flurries growing heavier. She’d put the Christmas tree up a couple days ago — her and Remus’ tree was small and fake, with a few ornaments and red garland wrapped around.

The door at the front opened, a break from the quiet and her thoughts, and Tonks looked up to find Remus coming in — face flushed, brushing snow from his hair. He shot her a smile.

“You’re done working?” He asked, and Tonks inclined her head. She stood, walking over to him, and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“I’ve got my afternoon free. We could do something together? I feel like you’ve been so busy with wedding stuff. Or I’ve been busy working and you’ve been off…” She shook her head, not mentioning Sirius.

It made a lump form in her throat, and she didn’t want to come off as jealous. She didn’t want to fight about this, because it would be over soon.

Sirius would go back to London, and Remus would be hers, and so the looks didn’t matter. The light in his eyes was fine. She’d gotten herself this far with him, and she wasn’t going to let fear — or the nagging in the back of her head — change that.

She reached out to wind her fingers with Remus’, watching his face.

He grimaced.

“I actually agreed to go with Sirius to pick up Lily’s flowers.”

“Oh,” Tonks smiled, “Alright. We can do that.”

Remus nodded, and she took in his expression, seemingly thinking something that she was not privy to. His smile hadn’t returned.

“It is alright if I come with you?” She checked, and she watched Remus’ eyes widen, seemingly shocked out of whatever he’d been thinking before.

“Of course,” He nodded, “Why wouldn’t it be okay? We can pick up the flowers together. And you can talk to Sirius. I know we thought about having him over one night, we could talk to him about that.”

Remus smiled, and then stepped away from her.

“We have about thirty minutes before we have to go, at least. I just wanted to warm up a little. Walking home in the snow was pretty, but freezing.”

“Do you want hot chocolate?” Tonks asked, and she smiled again. “It is the season, isn’t it?”

“Sounds brilliant. I’m going to change,” He waved off to the bedroom, and then slipped away. Tonks watched him, and she felt her shoulders droop.

It felt like he and Sirius had plans every day — even if it was mostly for the wedding. She was beginning to wonder why Lily always decided to have them together. She had to know they were plenty close now. They didn’t need a damn intervention.

Huffing, Tonks headed to the kitchen, starting up the process of making hot chocolate. From the window there, she could still see the snow coming down — flurries catching, layering the pavement with white.

Sirius drove Lily’s car to pick them both up, sitting outside their flat with a grin on his face, shades on. It was a grey minivan, a newer model, with Harry’s carseat still in the back.

As she walked over, close beside Remus, Tonks felt Sirius taking her in, eyes going up and down. His smile didn’t drop, but she knew he was thinking something.

He lowered the shades so they could see his face, and Remus opened the passenger seat door. It made sense for him to take it, so Tonks climbed in the back.

“Do you need those?” Remus asked as he closed the door, shooting Sirius a look. “There’s no sun, it’s all clouds.”

“The sun reflects off the snow, and it’s a disguise.” Sirius waggled his eyebrows, before shooting Tonks a smirk.

“You’re coming with us? I thought you’d have work again.”

“I took the afternoon off for a bit. I wanted to relax, spend some time with Remus.”

“And ended up being stuck with me,” Sirius sighed, “Apologies. I wouldn’t have asked him to come along if I’d known. I just assumed he’d have the afternoon alone.”

“He usually likes his afternoon’s alone, I wouldn’t worry too much. He just reads and drinks tea until the sun goes down. Maybe mark some papers.”

“Sounds boring to me,” Sirius snorted, “but I don’t doubt it. I used to watch him study, spend hours in the library with him when we were kids. A real swot, our Lupin.”

He shot him a smirk, and then started the car up again. As he did, the radio came on. He’d been playing some classic rock station — it was exactly the kind of thing Remus would like.

Tonks bit her lip, watching Remus look out the window, watching as Sirius started to drive. He glanced at her through the driver’s mirror, and she saw his brow draw together.

She wondered what he was thinking.

“We wanted to ask,” Remus began as they drove, turning back toward Sirius, “We’d still like to have you over for dinner. I’d like to show you around the flat. We don’t know when you’ll be back around, so now or never, right?”

“When?” Sirius raised his eyebrows. He glanced at Tonks through the driver’s mirror and she made herself smile back. “I’d love to come over. I’m still interested to see how much of the space is taken up by your books. Or has Tonks put her foot down about that.”

“We both read,” Tonks told him, and Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Oh, of course. I heard about that. You like horror, yeah? I like horror too.”

“Since when? You were scared by The Nightmare Before Christmas when we were younger.” Remus snickered at Sirius. Tonks watched.

Sirius’ scoff was indignant. “I was not! Well, I was, but I’ve matured. I like horror, and I like it because it scares me. I’ve thought about getting into acting, you know. I think I could have a knack for it. And it’d get more people looking at my face. And more trophies on my shelf.”

“God, I bet you would be good,” Remus scoffed. “But I can’t let you. The big-head you’d get would be too much. You’re already a narcissist. It might just kill you, the self-obsession.”

“Oi,” Sirius was laughing, and Tonks felt very much like a third wheel, watching Sirius reach out to shove Remus lightly. “Here I was sharing my new dream, and you go right to insulting me.”

“Someone has to. I’m mostly glad you’re not the worst to talk to now. Knowing you, it’s a wonder the fame didn’t go right to your head. You go around yelling at people for not treating you right when you’re a celebrity.”

“I’d never,” Sirius huffed, “I have good people around me. James and Lily sure keep my head on, and so do my friends back in London. Marlene—”

“Marlene?”

“The football star. Marlene McKinnon.” Sirius rolled his eyes as if Remus should know this. “She sure keeps my ego small, and I keep her’s as well. She’s a right arse to me, but I need it sometimes I think. Otherwise you just got lost in it, the spotlight and the cheering and all that.”

Sirius shot Remus another smirk.

“I think if you’d stuck around I’d never have had to worry, though. You were never worried about telling me what you thought. I’d say one diva-ish thing and you’d have my head for it. I’d never hear the end of it.”

“I would. I’m still planning on it. Now that we talk Black, one wrong move and I’ll be there to point and laugh at the out-of-touch celebrity.”

Sirius glowered, but his expression was quickly breaking into a smile again. Tonks watched them both, seeing Remus’ own smirk.

Her stomach was squeezing in a bad way, and she was glad when they pulled into the flower shop — a small one at the other side of the town.

They climbed out of the car, and she stood there watching Remus wipe the smile off his face, shooting her a look after a second.

He took her hand, and she had to stop herself from asking why — from telling him he might as well just keep ignoring her. She told herself he hadn’t meant to.

It’s not like anything he and Sirius had said was truly flirting. It was just normal talk — she’d have no problem with it if she didn’t know they’d dated back in the day. She told herself that, anyway.

She told herself he had every right to reconnect with an old friend, and then she took his hand and walked into the shop with him and Sirius Black.

The shop was airy and small, the large windows at the front showing off the street and the dusting of snow now covering it. The place was done-up for Christmas, with garlands hanging from the ceiling and specific bouquets on display showing off reds and whites, pinecones and mistletoe and other seasonal plants mixed in.

“Hello!” The woman behind the counter beamed at them, standing in a cheery yellow dress, white-blond hair tied back with a bandana. She looked all of them over, noticing their hands. “Are you the couple set to pick up flowers for today? Lily and James?”

She smiled, and very quickly Remus shook his head.

“No,” He said, clearing his throat. “Those are our friends. We’re picking them up for them, while they’re working.”

“Oh, right then.” She nodded, and Sirius leaned on the counter. He gave her a conspiratorial smirk.

“They might be back soon. They’re engaged.” he shot them both a look, and a wink, and Tonks didn’t know what that meant.

She didn’t like the way Remus’ expression didn’t change. He didn’t even roll his eyes for a good second, before huffing out a breath.

“Oh, We’d be happy to get whatever you need. Congratulations!” The woman smiled at them, and then turned to head back into the shop, coming back with boxes all marked with which side to keep up.

“These are the centrepieces.” She explained, “Handle with care.”

She smiled, and they smiled back, and Tonks decided she probably should not have come. It felt silly, all three going to get the boxes. And now it was done already.

She could have waited.

“Do you want to help carry some?” Sirius turned to Remus and Tonks. “It’s my trip, if you don’t want to you don’t have to.”

“I agreed to help so I’ll help,” Remus rolled his eyes, taking a box, and Sirius shot him a thankful smile. As they got ready to go, Tonks stole the final box, just wanting to feel like she was helping as well.

She walked a little behind them back to the car, watching as they talked, watching Remus smile, and felt a mix of a whole lot of things.

She realised, with a start, like someone coming awake from a dream, that she didn’t know if Remus had ever smiled at her like that.

Sirius

On a friday night, Sirius put on the only pair of gloves he owned — old red ones from his school days — and went with the Potter’s to the pond in the centre of the village.

It had frozen over, shallow enough to be solid. And so the village set up a small skating-rink, smoothed the ice and set up a place to rent out skates for the night.

Lights were up around the rink, glowing against the black sky above. Sirius was shivering from the cold, bundled up as he watched Harry put on his skates.

“This is the kind of winter activity I always loved,” Lily mused, looking around. Other kids were there too, along with teens and adults moving on the rink, some falling and some gliding — twirling. All different skill levels, all having fun. “I remember coming here when I was a kid.”

“I wish my mother would let me skate as a kid,” Sirius snorted, “But at least I’m here now.”

He shook his head, feeling strange as he remembered his mother’s death. She couldn’t ever find out about this. Unless she was looking up at him from hell. He took some joy in that thought, of her watching but unable to do anything to stop him.

James took Harry onto the ice, wearing his trainers so he could balance. He held Harry upright, making sure he didn’t fall as his skates slipped back and forth, squealing in a mix of fear and excitement. He stared down at the ice underneath him.

Lily put on her own skates by the edge of the pond, giving Sirius a smile.

“Do you want to rent your own?”

Sirius shrugged. He glanced off in another direction, towards a small stand where they’d been selling all sorts of holiday drinks. He nodded toward it.

“I might get something to warm up first. I don’t know how to skate. I’ll fall on my arse way more than Harry. And when you’re bigger, there’s more distance to fall.”

Lily laughed.

“Suit yourself. Just have fun, okay?” She gave him a small smile. “I know being back here is hard, and James said you were apprehensive about going out…”

Sirius sighed. He was always a bit apprehensive about going out — with the threat of someone recognising him — but he was keeping a low-profile. He thought he was bundled up enough that no one would recognise him.

As Lily skated off to her family, Sirius watched them for a second. She was good, graceful in her glides — perhaps muscle-memory from when she’d skated as a kid. She pulled to a stop beside Harry, and as she skated next to him Sirius could see Harry taking in her skill — showing obvious signs of adoration. A kid trying to skate like his mother.

Sirius shook his head, feeling a pang in his chest. Sometimes the Potter’s life was too perfect for him. He had felt it as a kid — with James and his parents — and he felt it now.

Turning, he walked towards the stand for drinks. It truly was just a small grouping of tables under a tented top, with lights hung around it too.

The person behind the tables gave Sirius a too-wide grin.

“How can I help you?”

“I’ll have the hot chocolate.” Sirius said, looking over the drinks they actually sold. There was nothing alcoholic, and he should have expected that. This was an event centred around families with young kids.

“Good choice,” Pausing before actually getting him his drink, Sirius watched as the kid looked him over. They were young, perhaps sixteen, with the pimples that came with it. “Are you…?”

Sirius grimaced, already knowing what was coming.

“Yeah, Sirius Black.”

“Sorry…” They seemed to pick up on his tone, going red. “But— I just, I’ve heard a few of your songs. My friend is obsessed with you, she never shuts up about it. Could I—?

They fished in their pocket, taking out a phone, and Sirius nodded.

“You want a picture?”

They grinned and came around the table, pausing next to him. As Siruis pulled his scarf further off his face to smile, he watched the light of their camera flash.

The kid stepped back, and Sirius watched them turn red before hurrying off to make his drink, handing it over without meeting his eyes.

“Thank you…” They said, and then winced, “And, uh, have a good night!”

Sirius nodded, walking off with a light chuckle. The nerves were sweet, he preferred that to entitlement. So many people treated him like he was inhuman, a doll they could play around with.

He had taken about two steps away when he spotted someone else standing in the glow of the Christmas-lights. Remus, without Tonks, had his hands in his pockets, looking around as if searching for all of them.

Sirius walked his way, seeing the second Remus noticed him, eyebrows raising as he waved him over.

Sirius took a drink of his hot chocolate, which was bland and cheap-tasting. It tasted like a social event — it was strangely nostalgic.

“Lupin,” Sirius smirked, “I didn’t think this would be your speed.”

“Lily texted me,” Remus shrugged, “And I do most of the Christmas activities with them. It was always easier than going to my dad’s place, and it never felt right following Tonks back to her parents, especially in the first two years.”

Sirius nodded, looking around.

“Well, I think it’s great. Christmas is always so happy, isn’t it? Like no one has a care in the world. Just good-feelings.”

Remus snorted.

“Right.”

“What’s that mean?” Sirius prodded at him, raising his eyebrows.

“Just that… I don’t know. I agree with you, Christmas is magical in a way. But at the same time, it’s a pain in the arse. The kids get most of the magic, the adults have to worry about planning presents and parties and social events. It’s so busy, and that’s the worst part. All that work for a single day.”

Sirius frowned at him, shaking his head.

“I guess that’s true. Maybe I’m just lucky not to have many parties to plan and presents to buy. Though I have gotten you a present already,” he shot Remus a smirk, who appeared immediately sheepish.

“Oh?” He cleared his throat. “Well, I guess that makes sense. I haven’t bought you anything, but I will. I have ideas.”

“You don’t have to,” Sirius shook his head, “I just wanted to get you something.”

“I want to.” Remus insisted, and he gave Sirius an intense look for a second. “You deserve a present from me. And I— I want to do something nice, as a thank-you.”

“Thank-you for what?”

Remus shrugged.

“Showing back up, being here. It’s the best part of any of this. Best part of Christmas. You’re like a gift all on your own.”

Sirius snorted, giving him a look. It hurt, deep down, when Remus said things like that. Not thinking anything through. He should know better.

“Don’t say that. It’ll go to my head,” Sirius promised, “I already have too many compliments from you. Start thinking up insults, Remus.”

“Alright. You’re right.” Remus smiled back, “I guess it’s just the holiday spirit, it makes me sentimental. But I’ll stop. I’ll only call you a wanker from now on.”

“Good, that’s more like it.”

Sirius knocked his shoulder into Remus lightly, before taking another drink of his hot chocolate.

“Is it good?” Remus asked, “I might get some.”

“Not the best,” Sirius held it out, “But it’s warm.”

He waited, and Remus stared down at it. He took a second to realise Sirius was offering him to try some, and that second was long enough for Sirius to regret holding it out.

They didn’t share drinks anymore. Seven years should have been enough time to forget that instinct interely.

It was just that sometimes, when they spoke for too long, Sirius forgot anything had changed at all.

As he began to pull it away, Remus reached out for it, and both of them paused.

Sirius cleared his throat, hating that he could feel heat rising to his cheeks — hoping the cold hid it.

That was foolish. He was being foolish.

“Try some, Lupin.” He held it out again, and Remus shook his head. He looked more red too.

“I understood the offer before.”

He took it, and then he took a sip, not looking at Sirius as he did. His lips were Sirius’ had been minutes before. Sirius decided to look back towards the Potters, who were currently skating in a line together.

“It isn’t very good,” Remus nodded, holding it back out to him. Sirius shook his head.

“You have it.”

Remus frowned. “At the very least we can pass it off.”

Sirius let it go, instead looking up at the sky and then back towards the Potters.

“Do you want to skate?”

“Are you kidding?” Remus snorted. “I’d end up flat on my face, snapping my nose again. I have the coordination of a giraffe.”

“Fine.” Sirius shook his head, “What do you want to do, then? Take a walk around it? We can talk together instead.”

“I don’t need you to keep me company if you want to skate…”

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Let’s get walking, Lupin.”

He started off, following the edge of the lake, and heard a huff as Remus hurried to keep up, smiling when he reached Sirius’ side. He took a drink of the hot chocolate, and then handed it off.

“Tell me something about your life,” Remus said, “I feel like I’ve told you about mine. Not that there’s much to say, and you're still a bit of a mystery.”

Sirius snorted. “Out of the both of us? You’ll always be the mystery.”

“Well, tell me something anyway?” Remus asked, “What about the tattoos? I’ve noticed you have more than when we were kids.”

“More than the one? You got that right. I collect them. Some were impulses, some I thought through.”

“I noticed the stars,” Remus said, clearing his throat. The stars in question were placed on Sirius’ lower arm, hidden by fabric now.

“Right. I’ve got a tattoo of Sirius, not that it looks like much. And then just stars in general, to commemorate my name. The moon’s still there by the way, as rubbish as it looks compared to the others. It’s what I get for doing a stick and poke. I have a wolf too, got it seven years ago. A bit of an impulse thing.”

Remus shot him a look, and Sirius chuckled.

“I’m not lying. It’s here,” He tapped his upper thigh. “It’s not like a giant wolf, just a small outline of one. I guess I felt lonely. I got a stag on my calf too.”

“How did half our jokes as kids centre around us as animals?” Remus wondered allowed. “You have to have gotten some things outside of animal tattoos.”

“I have a match box somewhere, not for smoking,” he noticed Remus smirking. “It’s about— well, burning things. The arsonist lifestyle really speaks to me. And I have a tattoo for my first album too, it’s a house burning down.”

“You always said you wanted more,” Remus smiled, “I’d like to actually see them someday.”

“All of them?” Sirius shot him a smirk, “It might not be the best idea. I’ve gotten tattoos in some more private places.”

Remus coughed, definitely flushing redder as he looked away.

“I don’t need to see them all, Black.”

They made their way in a full circle, and by then Sirius could feel his nose stinging, looking over at Remus in the Christmas lights, face glowing.

He smiled when their eyes met, and it made Sirius’ stomach flip over, a feeling that was both painful and strangely nice. He bit his lip as he looked away.

“I’ll show you the tattoos sometime,” Sirius said, “The appropriate ones. It’s— I do like talking about myself.”

He ended on the self-absorption as a protection, watching Remus snort and roll his eyes.

“I know you do. You’re lucky I like to listen.”

“Flirt.” Sirius poked him again, knowing he shouldn’t, watching a cloud pass over Remus’ face.

It was his own fault, Remus was the one who kept saying things like that. Sirius was only pointing it out.

“Sit.”

Sirius pulled a chair back in the Potter’s kitchen, giving Remus a wide smirk.

He’d been home all day, slowly going mad as he tried to work through another song — which meant working through the complexity of his own emotions, and the complexity of Remus Lupin.

When he wasn’t around, it was easy to be upset. Remus was a bastard for everything going on, and Sirius knew that. Everything about their relationship was a bomb waiting to go off, but Sirius couldn’t help how good the seconds together felt.

So he was upset with Remus then, frustrated at his fears and his passivity. He was angry, up until Remus showed up.

Now, he was simply interested in doing this — keeping Remus around as long as he could. He might hate himself for this later, for the continued desperation, but at the moment Sirius was just glad for him.

Remus sat at the table, giving him a half-smile, brows drawing together.

“What is this?”

“You’ll see.”

Sirius grinned, before turning back to the counter.

Since he’d given up on the song-writing, Sirius had turned his attention to better things. And better things meant biscuits, chocolate biscuits, which he’d made on his own — using a recipe he’d found online and the supplies he found in the cupboard.

He’d pulled them out only minutes before Remus had come, and now he put a few on a plate, humming to himself. He was in a good mood, and the baking had done wonders to help him — taken away the worst of his emotions.

So when he sat back down, he pulled a chair closer to Remus, handing the cookies over and giving him a wide smile.

Remus looked at the cookies and then him.

“You made these just now?”

Sirius nodded.

“That explains the smell. I never thought you’d cook, though. You always hated it as a kid. I’m pretty sure you’d have just lived off takeaway if you had to.”

“Fresh biscuits are always going to be better,” Sirius nodded towards the plate, watching Remus take a biscuit and raise it to his mouth, taking the first bite.

He closed his eyes for a second, and Sirius stared — because Remus wouldn’t notice — as a small smile formed. He nodded.

He’d always loved chocolate.

“It’s amazing,” Remus said, giving Sirius a real smile, “Actually amazing. You’ve outdone yourself.”

“I hope so.”

Remus finished the biscuit, appearing ready to start licking the plate before setting it down.

“If you want to see my cooking skills, the invite to come to mine still stands.” Remus said, smirking.

“You’re sure about that?” Sirius looked him over, watching Remus’ face. His expression didn’t change.

“Of course. I want you in my life, Sirius. If I can keep you around, I will.”

Remus reached out and put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius had to stop himself from tensing, not pulling away and not reacting.

Just a friendly shoulder-touch.

He pulled the plate away from Remus slowly, looking up at him with lips pursed.

“I’ll take you up on the offer, Lupin. And you don’t have to worry about keeping me around. I fully plan on annoying you for the rest of your life. I might have lost seven years, but I know the next however many will be miserable for you.”

He smirked, and Remus let out a small laugh. He nodded.

“I hope so.”

As he did, Sirius noticed a bit of chocolate still just beside his mouth. He thought about it for a second, and then reached out, brushing the crumb away.

It was Remus who froze this time, freezing as his eyes widened. He didn’t pull away, keeping still as Sirius put his finger to the side of his mouth, brushing quickly.

As Sirius went to draw his hand away after, doing so as quick as possible — before it became a thing, or his brain started to tell him what a terrible person he was — Remus reached out for his wrist, holding it still.

Sirius stopped breathing, and Remus turned his wrist over, running his finger over the skin where he had the lop-sided stick and poke of the moon.

“Told you it was still there.” Sirius let out an attempt of a laugh, but it was shaky to his own ears. He could feel his heart pounding, he knew Remus would feel it too, where his fingers were still on his wrist.

“I still think you were an idiot for it,” Remus’ voice was lowered, staring at his wrist. His finger was pressed to the tattoo, brushing over it like it might just rub away.

“Well, I was seventeen and I wanted something permanent.” Sirius said, “You should just be glad you were the first thing in my head. I could have ended up with a tattoo of a blunt.”

Remus barely cracked a smile, instead pushing Sirius’ sleeve up more, looking at the other tattoos. The box of matches, a tattoo of an albatross, and a bunch of Lilies.

Remus traced his finger over them, touch so delicate it made Sirius shudder, made goosebumps rise. He still wasn’t breathing, feeling trapped and entranced at once. He didn’t know what Remus was thinking.

“Do you want to see them all now?” Sirius asked, and Remus let out a breath, as if he too had been entranced for a second.

He looked up from Sirius’ arm, meeting his gaze.

“Why the albatross?”

“It’s a sign of bad luck, brings on storms.” Sirius said, “I guess it felt fitting. I feel like I bring bad luck.”

Remus shook his head, and Sirius pulled his arm away gently — before Remus could say more. His hand remained hovering where it had been a second longer, as Sirius reached for his shirt, pulling it up.

“This is another one,” He said, speaking quickly, “If you want to talk about bad tattoos, I got that at nineteen.”

A tattoo of a hand with middle-finger raised. Remus snorted, and Sirius pulled his shirt up higher, showing off the tattoo at his side — the burning house.

“And there’s my album tattoo. I like to think it all works, even the worst of them. It’s a mapping of everything that makes me myself. I’m more myself with them than without them.”

“I like that,” Remus nodded, “And I like them. They’re fitting. There’s also a strangeness to it, like I have to get to know your skin again.”

Sirius smirked at him, shaking his head even as it made his stomach squeeze something painful.

“Get to know my skin again?”

Remus rubbed the back of his neck, realising what he’d said again, but then he nodded after a second.

“You know what I mean.” He reached out, and Sirius froze as his thumb brushed against the tattoo of the burning house. “I had you all memorised before. I think it’s okay to feel… strange about how you’ve changed.”

“All you’d ever have to do is ask.” Sirius said. “You know I’d show you anything.”

Remus met his eyes, and he blinked a couple times. His thumb was still touching Sirius’ side, skin burning under his touch, and Remus shook his head.

“I don’t know what you mean by that.”

He took his hand away, and Sirius felt like he was burning alive.

Fuck Remus Lupin. He was in shambles, and Remus leaned back in his chair. His face was flushed, but he cleared his throat.

Tonks

Sirius came to dinner.

Remus insisted on cooking, staying in the kitchen for an hour as he played music from the speaker — Sirius’ music. He’d been listening to all his albums, claiming he needed to catch up now that they were talking again.

Tonks sat with him for a while, watching him work. All the while, he nodded his head with the beat, appearing happy.

“Did you ever actually dislike the songs, then?” She asked eventually, as he took the last of the pans off the burner. He’d made chicken parmesan, and the cheese was bubbling as he set the chicken off to cool.

“The music?” Remus shrugged. “I guess it was something I convinced myself I disliked because it was painful for me. But now it’s better.”

“For seven years, it was always painful,” Tonks frowned. She waited for something from him, some realisation what she was getting at, but he bit back a smile.

She was almost angry at him for it, angry at the happiness.

“I don’t know,” He shook his head, “I think— it’s just not something you ever really get over.”

“That kind of friendship?” Tonks asked dully, and she wanted to scream when he shrugged.

“Maybe just Sirius Black in general. You’ve seen what he’s like.”

“Right.” Tonks nodded, and she watched Remus begin to set the plates, doing what he could to make it appear nice. He’d even gotten parsley for decoration.

Tonks sighed when a knock came at the door, watching Remus quickly wipe his hands with a dish towel. He shot her a smile as they walked to the entry, and he was the one to open it.

Sirius stood on the other side, in a pair of jeans and a plain black shirt — his leather jacket over top. He took it off as he came in, appearing plain, underdressed. Tonks was almost relieved, glad for the lack of makeup and the lack of flash.

It felt less like he was trying to make an impression, made her wonder if perhaps Sirius was not interested in anything but friendship. She could only hope for that.

“You promised me Italian food,” Sirius said as he looked around, “And I can smell something good.”

He looked at Tonks.

“Thank you for having me around. I hope it’s not a bother.”

“Not at all. Remus has been excited. He spent all afternoon getting ready. I’m surprised he didn’t put candles out to really set the mood.”

She made herself laugh, and Remus’ smile fell a bit. She watched Sirius for a reaction, but he shrugged it off.

“Nervous, Remus?” He smirked over at him, “You know I don’t need you to do anything special. This is just a chance to see your place, and get to know your future wife a bit more.”

He winked at Tonks, and again she hoped with all her heart he meant it. She hoped he was entirely oblivious to everything going on with Remus — it could be her burden alone.

Maybe Remus was obvious to it too, or in denial, or something. But she couldn’t deny the truth of the matter — the better mood, the looks, the smiles. She couldn’t deny that. She trusted Remus, but she couldn’t deny that.

“Well, I’ll show you around.” Remus was still staring at Sirius. He had a brightness in his eyes that Tonks had both gotten used to in the past few two weeks and did not like very much.

She eyed him, and she eyed Sirius.

“I was hoping so. Because It’s really something,” Sirius looked around, pausing to take in his own face in the mirror, eyes roaming over it. He caught Tonks’ eyes watching him from the mirror.

He shot her another smile. She wondered if he was trying to calm her nerves. It wasn’t working, and she almost wished he’d forgot she was there at all.

“C’mon.” Remus led him into the sitting room, showing him their small couch — beige, taken from Tonk’s old flat from when she was at uni. Sirius took it in, including the books piled on their shelves, looking them over.

“How many are yours?”

“Most of the ones on that shelf or Tonks’,” Remus explained, “My books are more kept in piles. I forget to put them back a lot, I guess.”

“Oh, I remember how cluttered you could get. I’m almost glad we never ended up living together. It might have driven me mad. And now it’s Tonk’s cross to bear.”

He shot her another smirk, and she wished he’d stop. She felt like was trying to share in an inside joke that she was not in on. He was trying to make her feel normal about whatever he and Remus were — and whatever they had been — but she did not feel normal.

Remus led him out of the sitting room, showing off the alcove of a dining room between there and the kitchen, and the kitchen itself — small and barely able to fit the two of them comfortably on a good day. Tonks hovered back by the door.

“Don’t look at the food.” Remus leaned on the counter before the plates, blocking them from view. “They’re too hot to eat, and I want the surprise to be at the table.”

“You really went all out, huh?” Sirius smiled, “It’s going to get to my head if you don’t stop, Lupin.”

“I can deal with a little bit of it. I keep you humble enough every other day.”

Sirius shrugged, before attempting to peek around him. Remus glared at him as Sirius snickered. Tonks felt like she could walk away and neither would notice.

“I like the kitchen. How’d you pick this place out again? Did both of you choose it, or did one of you move in and the other come later?”

“Tonks picked it out for us,” Remus explained, “So I guess it might be her flat more than mine, but we moved in at the same time.”

He glanced at her, and Tonks made herself smile. She made herself nod.

“Yeah, I did pick it out. Remus was still going back and forth on moving in with me at all. I thought having a place would make it easier for him. I showed him pictures, talked about everything. Eventually he gave in, just took a while. All that work, but it paid off, right?”

She raised her eyebrows, and Sirius nodded.

“All that work. I remember that. Always pushing. Remus loves to drag his feet, he’s just denying the inevitable, right?”

“You better not start teaming up against me,” Remus said, and he let out a chuckle that felt different. As Sirius eyed him, he stepped back.

“Do you want to see our bedroom? It’s just a bit messy right now.”

Sirius blinked, and Tonks stayed quiet. Remus had made the bed earlier, she had sort of expected this, but she still felt a little queasy about it all, watching them head to the bedroom.

She followed in their wake again.

The bedroom was small, their bed shoved to one side, the bedside table on Remus’ side had two books stacked on it, pages folded to mark where he’d last read.

He turned a light on, and Tonks hovered by the doorway, watching Sirius pause as he noticed a jumper which had been left out — thrown over the bed.

“I remember this one,” He smirked, picking up the jumper. It was brown and faded, and he shook his head as if thinking of a fond memory. “I can’t believe you still have it. I swear I stole it a couple times just to wear around.”

“It still fits. Why would I get rid of it?” Remus asked, “And I do remember you stealing my jumpers. I’m surprised you don’t still have some. I don’t think you ever gave them back.”

“I might have burned them.” Sirius said nonchalantly, before throwing the jumper at Remus. “You should start putting your things away. I doubt Tonks likes the mess.”

“She leaves a mess too. Not everyone’s as neat as you are.”

Sirius shrugged, shooting Tonks another eyebrow raise. She gave him a tight smile back, watching his shoulders fall. For a second, he almost looked guilty.

That didn’t bode well.

“How about we get dinner started?” Sirius asked, “I’m hungry. And to be honest, I doubt your fiancée wants me poking around in here.”

Sirius stepped back, leaving the jumper and Remus behind. As he slipped through the door — Tonks stepping out of the way — he reached out to pat her on the shoulder.

Again, she wondered what it meant. It only made her tense, disliking the feeling he was trying to form any kind of connection at all. She felt like she was being mocked, even if unintentionally.

She wished he’d hurry up and get back to London already.

They sat down for dinner together, the tree circled around the table. Remus was beside her, Sirius to her right. Tonks filled a glass with red wine and drank while they talked.

She ate her chicken parmesan. It was good, Sirius was impressed.

“When did you learn to cook?” Sirius raised an eyebrow. “I swear you could barely make beans on toast without burning it back in school.”

“I took a few lessons, and I bought a book two years ago.” Remus shrugged, but he was clearly fighting off a smile. Tonks could tell he was pleased Sirius enjoyed. “I like it, I like cooking and I like getting to watch people eat it. I like that it makes people happy.”

“You do live to please,” Sirius shot him a smirk. “I’m not that surprised. I’ll bet Tonks get a whole lot of breakfast in bed.”

“We have jobs,” Remus winced, “But I do cook when I have time. Not as much as I like. I guess this just felt like a special occasion.”

“Flattery. You’re trying to win me over, I can feel it.” Sirius took another bite of his chicken. “You’re lucky I’m easily won over by compliments. But I am starting to worry you’re about to start pitching me something.”

“There’s no pitch, and no catch.” Remus shook his head, and he smiled at him.

Tonks drank more of her wine.

“I’m just glad we’re talking again. I hated the first week of you being here. I think I’d just built you up so much in my mind, like some otherworldly destructive force. But you’re here now…”

“And your life moves on like normal?” Sirius asked, and he shot Tonks a closed-lipped smile. She didn’t know what to make of that.

It didn’t matter a couple seconds later anyway, as Remus shook his head.

“No,” he said, “It’s not normal at all. It’s better, obviously. Like a thousand times better now that you’re here. I feel more alive than I have in years.”

Tonks cleared her throat, pushing her chair back from the table. She forced herself to make eye contact with Remus, watching his face — hoping for any sign of what he was thinking.

He seemed to mean the words. She wondered if he just didn’t get why they’d be hurtful, or if he didn’t care. So lost in his own happiness at having Sirius back he’d forgotten entirely about her.

“I have to use the loo. Keep talking without me,” Tonks waved a hand at them both, and she watched Remus’ expression fall — as if he had finally picked up on her mood.

“We’ll be waiting,” He smiled at her, and she walked off, leaving him and Sirius to their talking — or flirting, or whatever.

Tonks took the car out the next day. A week before the wedding, she drove out of town. She had no destination in mind, hoping she could keep driving on her own until the calm came back to her.

She turned on the radio for a bit, playing the Christmas station, and watched the hills around her go by — the rolling plains of grass that seemed to stretch out infinitely, dusted over by the snow into a white-expanse.

A couple trees dotted the area, and villages lay ahead of her — poking out from the distance — but mostly it was low hills and snow.

She had her brow drawn together and lips pressed thin. If someone passed her they’d think she was driving off to war. But it was all she could do to hold herself together, wondering what came next.

What was the next move, what was the next step here? She had looked at them the night before and realised with a sinking gut that this would not work how she’d like.

Remus said Sirius had felt like a destructive force before they’d made up, but he was even more of one now. Tonks was sure he’d destroy something, whether he meant to her not.

She changed the radio station again, deciding the Christmas songs were driving her mad. She hated the cheeriness, because she felt far from cheery.

The next station was more 70s music, and she paused as the song of Dolly Parton’s voice came on. Jolene — It was as if life was mocking her.

The song played, and she felt each lyric like a gut punch — hitting her with a force. Her breath was stuck in her throat.

Tonks let out a curse, yanking the wheel as she pulled over on the side of the road. For a second, she sat there, staring into the nothing all around her, and then she let out another grunt.

Rubbing her face with her hands, she could feel the threat of tears growing. The song still going, and she wanted to put her fist through the speaker.

She shut off the music as quickly as she could, but the damage was done. She blinked as the first tear fell, wondering what her life had become.

All this time she’d told herself this was worth something. She wanted Remus, and she’d worked her arse off to get him. She’d thought she was confident, assertive, brave even.

She had thought — incorrectly — that this is what love felt like. An uphill battle, hard work that eventually paid off. But she might have been wrong.

Because Remus had been dragging his feet for four years, and she was a miserable fool for not seeing it. She had been so distracted by her own confidence she had failed to realise that he’d never truly wanted anything she gave him.

And then there was Sirius. Remus fawned over him, he stared at him, he talked about him like you talked about an unreachable star in the sky — or a blackhole, as he’d said before, that pulled and pulled until he tumbled in.

She had thought, for four years, that Remus’ love was just quiet. That he was simply guarded, but now she realised she’d been wrong. She had been such a goddamn fool.

If Sirius wanted, he could swoop Remus up now. One word, maybe two, and Remus would run off with him. She didn’t understand how he hadn’t done so already — what kept him hovering there.

Did he want Remus? Her only hope was no, but she felt unlucky. And what did that leave her with? Even if Sirius didn’t steal him away, she would know she was second-pick forever.

The fight never ended, and he’d never look at her the way he looked at Sirius.

She sniffled, tilting her head back. She hated crying, and she was angry on top of it — so angry she wished she could block out all the other feelings. She wanted to be angry first — At Remus, at Sirius, at everyone who’d stood by and let her make a fool of herself, and most of all at herself, Nymphadora Tonks, for not seeing the fucking signs.

She let out a grunt again, putting her head in her hands. She felt lost and alone, unsure what came next. She’d moved to this village for Remus, and she had no one around to talk to at all.

Someone knocked on her car window.

Tonks nearly jumped out of her skin, turning to find a figure standing there, looking back to see a car had pulled up behind her — a tiny pastel-blue buggy which matched the pastel-blue romper the figure was wearing.

With a breath, Tonks rolled down her window, coming face to face with a young woman with white-blond hair, pale skin and the looks of a porcelain doll complete with large eyes.

“Hello?” She frowned at Tonks, obviously taking in her appearance. “Are you— you pulled over to the side of the road? Did your car break down?”

Her accent was french, and Tonks sniffled before shaking her head.

“No. Sorry, I just— well, I’m having a bit of a rough time.”

The woman smiled again, one even more apologetic than the first.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I understand. The holidays can be nice, but sometimes they force us together in a bad way. All the drama.”

“Yeah.” Tonks sniffled. “I wish it was just holiday drama.” She shot the woman a look. “I think I just lost my engagement. Not sure— I’m not sure what comes next. Four years… and it’s gone.”

“I’m so sorry.” The woman frowned again, “Whoever you broke it off with, it’s their loss. I can already tell looking at you.”

Tonks sniffled again, giving her a small smile.

“Cheers. Sorry for worrying you.”

“Don’t. You didn’t worry me, I just wanted to help. I hope you find someone else, or that you find happiness without this person. You look young too, there’s time.”

She patted the car like that would comfort her, before walking off. Tonks watched her get back in her buggy and drive off, wiping her eyes.

She didn’t feel that much better, but at least the conversation had taken her out of her head a bit. She felt a little steadier, and so she turned her car back on and started driving too — this time heading back home.

Chapter Text

Sirius

Sirius slipped his jacket on while balancing his phone near his ear. Standing in front of a floor-length mirror, he could see himself grimace.

“It’s nearly over.” He reasoned. “I’ll be back to London in a week once Christmas passes. I just have to get through the wedding, and it’s fine.”

“You sound excited.” Marlene snarked, “I thought you’d be a little sadder to go. You’ve barely responded to me since leaving.”

Sirius sighed. He could imagine Marlene on the other side of the phone, probably lounging on her own bed — perhaps getting ready for some Christmas party. There were constant parties to go to the week up to Christmas — parties with friends, parties with strangers, and celebrity parties just meant to make connections.

“What?” She asked, “You better explain that sigh.”

“Just— my ex is around. It’s been hard.”

Sirius swallowed. It was an understatement, but he didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t think it was the time to unload onto Marlene, and he had a wedding to get to — starting too soon.

He just had to make it through this bit, and then Christmas would come and he’d survive that too. He could do this, even if his thoughts had been getting away from him lately.

“Oh? The one you wrote all those songs about?” He could hear the smirk Marlene was wearing. She didn’t know the half of it.

“Yeah. Him and his fiancée. He’s—”

“Completely over you?”

“Worse. He’s being very nice, and we’ve been talking a lot, and…”

“Didn’t you break things off with him?”

“Yes. And none of those problems have gone away. If anything they're worse. It’s happening again, I’m watching him—” Sirius scoffed. “She’s not right for him, I think he’s just trying to play into a role again. He wants something easier, and the life she has planned is easier, but he doesn’t really— he still looks at me, Marls. And I can’t help wishing he’d leave her. It makes me feel terrible, like a homewrecker.”

“I mean…”

He let out a groan, staring at himself in the mirror again — plain black suit, complete with a tie and a white button-up underneath. It was classic, and his hair was only curled slightly. He’d played everything down, today was meant to be about James and Lily anyway.

“He’s going to marry her. And that makes me angry too, like— like he’s choosing safety over me again. I’m never enough. Even though I can tell he still has feelings for me, I’ll never be enough for him. I— I hate feeling like a kid, Marls. He makes me feel like an eighteen year old again, like I never got over him at all.”

“You’ll be gone in a week.” She repeated, just as he’d been saying. “And when you’re back, you don’t have to think about him anymore. Just like you have been. He’s not worth it, Black. From your songs, it seems like he’s a coward.”

Sirius thought about Remus, about his laugh and his smile and the new lines on his forehead — the sight of him at eighteen and now, similar and different. He felt a lump in his throat.

“Yeah, ‘course.” He looked away from himself in the mirror. “Cheers, McKinnon. I needed someone to talk sense into me. You’re a life-saver.”

“I know that. Now, I have to get going, and you have a wedding.”

“Go where?”

“None of your business.”

“Are you seeing Dorcas Meadowes again?” Sirius scoffed, “At what point does it stop being hate-fucking and start being—”

“Bye, Black.”

Marlene hung up before he could go on, and as Sirius shook his head, he looked up to find James standing in the doorway, watching him.

“I called a friend from home.” Sirius explained, and James nodded. He hadn’t put his suit on yet, but he had it in hand, a plastic cover keeping it from getting dirty during their travel.

“Are you ready to go?” He asked, looking Sirius over. Sirius nodded.

“Ready as can be. Let’s get this marriage started.”

He clapped James on the back, watching him smile. It was real, but it was nervous.

“It’s your big day, mate. All the work is finally going to pay off.”

“I just don’t want to cry too much.” James admitted, messing with his hair until it was sticking up at all ends. No doubt it would be fixed before the wedding too. “Let’s go.”

They left the house like that, bringing suitcases with just enough for spending the night. Much of the wedding party would be, and a few of the guests — staying over in the upper rooms of the manor rather than heading back when the wedding finished. Sirius wouldn’t return until later the next day.

He picked up Harry to carry him to the car, knowing he’d be spending much of the day with the kid — making sure James and Lily had time to prepare.

It was exciting. Sirius was uneasy and unhappy for a lot of reasons, but he could still feel it in the air. He was excited for his friends, and he would not ruin their day with his own whirlwind.

Sirius had time to kill before the wedding. As the best man, his job was mostly to keep Harry busy, and to let James get his suit on, and have his hair swept back with gel — keeping it in place by force.

He walked the grounds, which were still dusted with snow. He and Harry had both put on coats over their suits. Harry was excited, at the very least, talking about getting to be at a castle, talking about the wedding.

“Are you going to get married too?” He asked Sirius, as they wandered through the flower garden. Most of them had died for the winter, but a few still bloomed — small winter flowers — hyacinths in a pretty violet shade popping against the white and green of the bushes around it.

“Me?” Sirius scoffed. “I don’t think so.”

Harry frowned.

“Why not? Do you need someone to marry? Ms Vanity at school isn’t married either. Do you want to marry her?”

“Marriage isn’t something everyone does. It’s for specific people, when they love each other very much.” Sirius explained. “Your parents love each other, and they want to get married, but sometimes people— well, I don’t think I’d like it all very much. And I don’t have anyone to love like your mum and dad.”

Harry looked very said, and Sirius wished he wouldn’t, patting him on the shoulder.

“Listen, Harry. I’m happy, and romantic love isn’t the end of everything. Your parents have one kind of love, right? But there’s more. Like love for friends. You love your friends, don’t you? And love for family. There’s so much beyond romance. So don’t worry about me, because I have so much love. A ton of it.”

Harry nodded, and then he smiled.

“Does that mean I could marry my parents?”

Sirius sighed, he shook his head.

“I hope not. That seems like the Black family’s thing to me.” He muttered to himself, before giving Harry a smile. “You have to marry someone you love romantically, so not your family. You might find someone like that someday, but it’s alright if you don’t.”

“I want to be like mummy and daddy someday,” Harry nodded, appearing to only hear the first part of what he said, and Sirius let it go, looking again to the Hyacinth flowers in bloom — purple-violet and growing right out of the snowy ground.

Winter had always been his favourite season. Especially in school, when they could run out and skive off class to roll around in it, snowball fights and the sting of the cold against his skin.

He reached out to put a hand on Harry’s shoulder, squeezing it, and missed being young very badly — missed when they were all together, when Remus and him were simple, when his problems began and ended with his mother.

Lily

They did her makeup before she put on the dress, sitting in a chair as a thin woman with long fingers dusted blush over her cheeks with delicate dabs.

She wound her fingers together, wishing desperately there were more people around — those other than her sister, and her other bridesmaids, most those she’d known from school, or met at Uni. People she knew but did not love, ones she saw one a season.

Mary was around too, making sure she was where she needed to be for every moment of the day. She took on the brunt of telling people what to do, which was good, because Lily was having a hard time speaking at all.

She had barely slept the night before, the dark-circles hidden by makeup. She couldn’t help thinking of every way this could go wrong, worried that somehow the day would crash and burn.

She’d dragged her feet a bit after Harry was born. They had thought about marriage when she’d first realised she was pregnant, but in the end, they’d decided to wait until the right time. And then she’d built up the right time in her head, making it into a source of anxiety.

But it would never be the right time, never be a moment where she wasn’t terrified of the attention, of the eyes and the anxiety of a day like this. James loved this, but she had never liked being in the spotlight.

The December wedding was a good choice because of that. It meant less people able to go, more off on their own trips for Christmas. A smaller group, but still enough people to feel overwhelming.

An event, and her at the centre of it. She had to practise breathing steady each time she remembered she’d be walking down the aisle soon enough.

Marrying James would be worth it. Marrying James would be worth all of this.

“Done.” The makeup artist stepped away, and Lily blinked as she looked at her face in the mirror. She looked like herself, the makeup subtle but there. It was what she’d asked for. She didn’t want to seem too different, and Lily Evans had never been one for bold glamour.

But she would be Lily Potter now. She had been testing the name out for a while, after a long conversation with James over it. He had been entirely fine with her keeping her name, or becoming the Evans-Potter family, but she’d turned him down. Harry already had his name — done simply because of the power his family had — and now she would have his name too.

She preferred it. His parents had been a second-family to her, sometimes better than her parents themselves — who had never quite understood her pension for work, who had hoped she’d settle down rather than go through the years of schooling, of Uni, all to get her Masters only the year prior.

“Thank you,” She told the woman, and Mary shot her a smile.

“You look great.” She patted Lily on the shoulder, looking over the robe she was currently wrapped in. “We can get your dress on now.”

Her hair already done — braided back — Lily went to her dress, ignoring the eyes of her sister and the whisper of the bridesmaids. They offered quite compliments too, ones she took with smiles.

She slipped into the dress, and Petunia buttoned up the back. She felt strange standing in it — worried this would be the part where things went wrong. The dress could rip or stain with her in it, and she had to resist freezing in place just to ensure nothing happened.

She went back to the mirror, pausing to stare at herself. The flowing sleeves, the deep neckline. It looked like something Stevie Nicks would wear back in the seventies, with lace keeping it light.

Lily took a deep breath, nodding to herself. She looked like she’d hoped, and perhaps a bit better, but she could barely muster more than a bit of numbness, still too anxious about the day as it was.

“You look perfect,” Petunia promised her, and Lily continued to nod, giving her a small smile. The compliments came again, and she looked at herself in the mirror.

A knock sounded, and Lily turned to find Remus and Tonks hovering by the doorway in. It had been left open, but they stood in the frame anyway. Lily beckoned them closer.

Remus was in a plain suit, simple and sleek. All the groomsmen were wearing the same one, much to Sirius’ chagrin. Lily smiled as she pulled Remus into a hug.

It felt good, having someone she truly knew around. As she pulled back, she felt her eyes beginning to sting.

“You can’t start crying before the wedding.” Remus told her, and she let out a small laugh.

“I know. But— it’s all happening already. It feels like all that planning took forever and passed in a second at the same time.” Lily sighed. “I wish you could be around more. If I could have made you a bridesmaid, I would have stolen you from James. I’m still thinking about it.”

Remus shrugged, looking at the bridesmaid dresses — all in the same deep-red, an almost maroon colour.

“I don’t know if I could pull off something like that. Sirius on the other hand…”

“I don’t need him in my bridesmaid party. It would only make him think I like him.” Lily winked. “And we have to keep his ego down a bit, don’t we?”

Remus chuckled, and he stepped back to let Tonks greet her as well.

“Congratulations,” She said, and Lily smiled back.

“Not yet. But soon. Soon for you two. I’m sure it’ll be even more excited after today. Unless this all falls apart, in which case maybe you’ll both be terrified.”

She laughed to herself, watching Tonk’s face fall and realising perhaps the joke was inappropriate.

“Sorry, I’m just nervous. It’s going to be perfect. And as long as I’m married by the end of it, I don’t care what happens.”

“I understand,” Tonks gave her a closed-lipped smile. “The day’s almost more trouble than it’s worth. But you look beautiful. I think no matter what happens, your memories will be fond.”

“I hope so,” Lily sighed, “but now we have to worry about the reception. What time is it? How long do we have?”

She turned, watching her bridesmaids reach for their phones. As she did, she noticed Tonks’ shoulders falling again, as if weighed down by something.

She worried, but with so much going on today, she could not ask questions just then. It would have to wait until the wedding was done, and then she could figure out what was going on between the two.

First, she had to marry James Potter.

Before the marriage could happen, Lily had to get through photos.

As much as she loved the memories that would come with them, she hated standing there — her bridesmaids around her — as they took photo after photo.

They’d picked a location outside, beside a tree dusted with snow. The sky above was clear, but the air was bitter cold, and she had to force down shivers, hoping it didn’t show in the photographs.

If it did, maybe by then she would laugh over it.

James was off somewhere else — in a different location — having his own photos taken. Lily knew, because Mary had gone off to check on him at some point — clipboard in hand, whispering something to the photographer.

Lily missed him. On a day this stressful, she wished she could be going through these steps with him. But there were traditions to these things, and she was meant to wait.

She did text Remus at one point, insisting he come around, along with Sirius and Harry. She’d like to have proper photos with all of them, besides the second round they’d take after the ceremony.

The camera flashed again, and she hoped her smile hadn’t started to look pained. The more she held it, the more the muscles of her face tensed.

“How did you survive this when you got married?” Lily looked to her sister. Petunia — who had not made her part of the marriage party at all.

They’d been worse-off back then, but they’d gotten closer over the years. Petunia had softened a lot since having Dudley — her boy around Harry’s age. She gave Lily a tight-lipped smile back.

“I honestly drank a bit beforehand,” She sighed, “I was so nervous, and it helped ease everything. Sometimes I wish I didn’t, but we were young. I think I rushed into everything.”

“Maybe you could do it again. Have the ceremony you hoped for now that you're older.”

Petunia shrugged, as if unsure if a vowel-renewal would be worth it.

“Just a load of money to waste,” She said, “But this is nice. It’s beautiful out here. You’re lucky Potter has money.”

She had never liked James, but Lily brushed that off. She let the comment go, and she turned back to smile at the camera. Another flash, and she saw Remus finally appear behind the photographer, walking over with his hair tousled from the wind.

Lily stepped away from the girls.

“Alright. That’s good for bridal party photos, right? I want one with me and Remus.”

“She waved him over, and as the other girls dispersed, he came toward her, rubbing the back of his neck as he eyed the camera and the photographer.

“How are you?” He asked, “Not ready to run?”

“No, of course not,” Lily said, “I only feel a little sick. Where’s Tonks?”

“She went off. I think she’s grabbing some food. She didn’t think you wanted her for the photos.”

“Well, it’s good to talk to you one-on-one,” Lily smiled, taking his hand. “But to be honest, it might have been nice having her. If she’s going to be marrying you, might as well have some memories. She’s family now.”

Remus rolled his eyes, but after a second he nodded — an awkward kind of nod, unsure of itself.

“I suppose.”

She pulled him over, and they began another round of photos. She made him smile, but he had to worse at the photos than she was, appearing to be in a mild amount of pain through the whole thing.

“At least when Sirius and Harry get here we’ll have more people to distract.” Lily joked, and Remus raised his eyebrows.

“Sirius is taking pictures with you?”

“He is. And Harry. I want him front and centre in all of them.”

Remus cracked a smile.

“I bet. Sirius is probably just finishing up photos with James. We already got through one round, so excuse me for being a bit tired.”

“Damn him. This is why I wanted you in the bridal party.” Lily sighed, before poking him in the cheek. As Remus’ smile got more real, shoving her finger away, the photographer took another picture.

Remus froze all at once, staring toward the manor, and Lily followed his eyes to see Sirius and Harry. Harry was running right towards them as Sirius walked behind him, shooting Lily and Remus a smile. His hair was blowing in the wind, though it somehow still looked purposeful.

Remus cleared his throat and looked down at his shoes for a second, and Lily reached out to Harry, picking him up as he let out a giggle.

“I love weddings,” He told her, “It’s all fun all day and there’s so many people, and we’re in a castle…”

Sirius nodded along with his words, giving Lily and Remus a wider smirk.

“He’s been trying to get someone to marry him all day.”

“Well, you have a lot of time to do that,” Lily told Harry, watching him frown.

“Sirius says I can’t marry you. And that he doesn’t want to get married.”

“No. But that’s alright,” Lily insisted, as she noticed Sirius and Remus sharing looks beside her, both glancing each other up and down. A small wave from Sirius, one Remus returned with a nod.

“Hey.”

She narrowed her eyes, before turning back to Harry.

“Not everyone has to be interested in the same things. Some people like getting married, some people want to be more open. Me and James just want each other, forever, but sometimes people are different.”

“I’m not polyamorous, Evans.”

“You can’t call me Evans on my wedding day.” Lily shot Sirius a smile. “And I’m just explaining that you’re not looking for something long-term. And that’s okay.”

“Right.” Sirius ducked his head, and she watched as Remus bit his lip, looking between her and Sirius and then toward Harry.

“When two people are happy together,” He began his own explanation, “Sometimes they want a piece of paper to make it more official to everyone else. It can make finances easier too. That’s all marriage really is, Harry. Plenty of people who love each other very much never do it, and Sirius not wanting it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in finding someone.”

“I don’t date,” Sirius said, more muttered under his breath than anything. But he shot Remus a smile after.

“You might just be talking about yourself there, Lupin. Or I guess you before meeting Tonks. Always thought marriage was so… factual for you. Not much romance there.”

“It’s plenty romantic. We’re— we’re romantic.” Remus responded, and Lily was starting to get what was wrong.

The photographer cleared his throat, and Lily realised he’d been waiting since Harry and Sirius’ arrival. She smiled at Sirius, and then waved both him and Remus away.

“Let me take a photo with my son.” She said, and she watched Sirius smile and hold his hands up, stepping away.

Remus followed him, and they stood next to each other. Through the photos, as she held Harry and made herself smile, she could still see them whispering together.

Remus’ hands moving, an intent look on his face. They’d always been good at talking — if that was a thing. Their banter was natural, and it had come naturally even after seven years.

Lily hadn’t thought to question it before, because Remus had Tonks and Sirius had a seemingly endless supply of people to please him back in London, but it was obvious the more she looked at them.

She didn’t know what to make of that. She didn’t know what they were thinking. She wondered if Tonks knew.

She dragged Sirius off once the photos were done, pulling him into a random room of the manor. She closed the door behind them, making sure no one would hear, and leaving Remus with Harry and a confused look on his face

“Is this about the wedding?” Sirius asked, appearing concerned. “Because I don’t think I’ve done anything…”

“He’s engaged.”

Sirius went silent, and Lily turned toward him.

The room was small, stone walls and a fireplace to one side — one wall lined with bookshelves, one wall lined with windows, letting in the white light, bright as it reflected off the snow.

Sirius was staring at her like she’d just hit him, before he sighed and sat down on the nearest chair — pea green, with a tall back. It looked stiff and uncomfortable, and the way he slumped into it seemed no nicer.

“What’s the point of this conversation? What are you going to tell me to do?”

“Well whatever you do, don’t do it at my wedding. I like Tonks, Sirius.”

“I like her too. I didn’t— I’m not doing anything. I was doing more when I hated him. Now—”

“I saw you two. I see what you’re doing, Sirius.”

“I’m always the bad guy with you, aren’t I?” Sirius let out a bitter laugh, squeezing his eyes shut. “Jesus. It’s been seven years since we were in school, and somehow I’m still everything wrong. It’s never James, and it’s never Remus. It’s always on me.”

“You know I don’t think that. But this is—”

“I didn’t do anything! It’s not my fault—” Sirius cut short, shaking his head. “I can’t help my feelings. And I’m— All I’ve done is be near him right now. Am I supposed to ignore him? Not speak to him at all?”

“You—”

“Stop being nice at all? I haven’t even been flirting. Or at least I try not to. Sometimes— sometimes it slips out.”

“Sirius.” Lily sighed, and he let out another groan back.

“But it’s not my fault.” He insisted. “You act like— why not have this talk with him? He’s the one with a whole fiancée. At least I’m just a single bastard with an undying flame.”

“He wouldn’t do anything to Tonks.”

“So it’s up to me to be the one to hold us back. You think,” Sirius shook his head. “As if he’s not looking at me the same way.”

He threw a hand out.

“All these years, I just assumed he’d forgotten about me. It was— even when he was terrified of me the first week or so, it was nice to know he cared at all. And now— now it’s like a drug, Evans. It’s like— I know it’s going to end badly, but what can I do? I want him, and I love him, and he’s still looking at me. You know that’s all I ever wanted, for him to look at me.”

“I’m talking to you because we both know Remus would never do anything to hurt Tonks. Not unless you did something first.”

“Right. Because he never does anything at all.” Sirius shook his head. “I’m not going to try anything, anyway. I was planning on getting back to London as soon as I could. And he can go back to pretending with her. Is that what you want? If you actually cared about her…”

“As if she hasn’t already noticed.” Lily snapped. “Am I the last one to notice?”

“I did… I kind of told James about it. So technically yes, but he’s not that aware of anything.”

“Christ.” Lily sighed, rubbing her forehead. “We won’t deal with this on my wedding. Okay? Just stay on your best behaviour. And maybe avoid him for the night, at least. Not obviously, just enough so that I don’t have to worry about your leash snapping.”

“I have self control.” Sirius said, but when she levelled him another look he sighed. “Fine.”

“Thank you,” Lily reached out to put her hand over his own, giving him a more sympathetic look for a second. “And I’m sorry.”

Sirius huffed, and then he pulled his hand away.

“I hate being home. I love you lot, but I hate it here. The sooner I’m out, the better.”

She nodded, quiet as she walked back to the door and stepped out, letting Sirius follow behind her.

“Do you think there’ll be rumours about you sneaking off with the best man?” Sirius asked as they left, and when she turned around he was grinning like nothing had happened.

He’d always been able to do that. It was a bit unnerving.

She rolled her eye back.

“You wish, Black. Everyone knows I have higher standards.”

He laughed, and she decided it was a peace-offering for now.

Tonks

The main hall of the manor was made-over, the room now lined with rows of seats, the front holding a wedding arch covered in pale-white flowers.

The path down was a simple white fabric rolled out, and Tonks sat down near the arch — on her own for the time. Remus was in the wedding party, he’d be walking down the aisle as one of the groomsmen.

With the sun beginning to set outside, Tonks could see the light streaming in, the sky turning a flushed pink. The band was getting ready to play from their corner, picking up instruments.

Other people were filling in, the empty seats growing more scarce. Tonks had arrived at the venue around noon — Remus in tow — and already the day felt long. Before the wedding had even begun, she already felt a little tired.

She told herself she just had to get through this and Christmas. She could face the future after that. She’d decided on that the other night, lying next to Remus and staring at the ceiling — she would be kind enough not to end things now. She would hold out.

The seats filled, and she took out her phone, opening instagram for something to do. Her dress was a little uncomfortable, though it looked nice — floor-length and a cheery red colour that clashed a bit with the pink of her hair, but in a way she enjoyed. She had put her jacket on over it, just to staywarm.

Someone sat beside her. Tonks looked over to see Peter Pettigrew with his wife at his side. She eyed him, unsure if she should say something. They had spoken only a handful of times.

He had known Remus and the rest back in school. They’d been best friends for a while, but he was busy all the time nowadays — and he hadn’t been asked to be a groomsman.

“Hello,” Tonks smiled at him, and she watched him smile back. “How are you? Excited?”

“That’s one word for it,” He sighed, “I’m surprised it took so long.”

“You were childhood friends with James, weren’t you?” Tonks asked. “You must have been around when they got together.”

“Oh, I did.” Peter snorted. “I watched James annoy her for about five years, and then watched them slowly get along for another year before they finally started dating.”

He chuckled to himself, and Tonks dealt with an internal fight over her next question — wanting to ask but knowing she shouldn’t. She was egged on anyway, the curiosity too much.

Fuck it. She wanted to know.

“You were— you must have known Sirius then, right?”

“He was part of the group,” Peter shot her a confused look, and Tonks grimaced.

“He and Remus were pretty… well, serious, weren’t they?”

Peter snorted again.

“More like codependent. Even before they told us, it was obvious. Like they were two parts to the same whole or something. It’s a wonder Remus ever got over him. I thought after it ended that he’d be heartbroken forever. He insisted he was happy with his choice, but we all knew. It’s lucky he found you eventually.”

“Right. Lucky for him,” Tonks nodded, staring back towards the wedding arch. Her heart was sinking, she wondered if Remus had ever felt like she was his second half. What had he thought this whole time?

Why had he ever said yes to her? Was it just because Sirius was gone, because he couldn’t have him? She wondered if she’d ever been something he truly wanted, or just what he’d told himself he could get. This whole time, their relationship had been a result of him settling.

The uphill battle with him had always been breaking down his barriers, making him accept the thing he didn’t actually want. She wondered if he even wanted marriage, or if he’d simply convinced himself. It was the life she chose, and the one he went along with.

She crossed her arms, leaning back on the chair, and decided she could talk with him once this was all over.

Maybe once everything was out there things would be better. Maybe she was thinking about this too hard. Maybe not all love had to look the same — but she didn’t feel too good about that thought, not when she’d seen Remus and Sirius together.

Seeing Remus with him didn’t feel like looking at someone who’s heart had been patched over. They danced around each other instead, like two stars in orbit around each other, growing closer until they collapsed into each other — an explosion to end all explosions.

All that, and she was nothing but a moon around Remus. She’d thought he orbited her, but she realised now she was a fool. She’d always been the one chasing him.

Lost in thought, she was only brought out by the burst of music — the band beginning to play, the burst of a classical refrain. A soft song, with the tune of a flute playing over top.

The officiant made his way down the aisle, an old looking man in what appeared to be glittering robes. Tonks didn’t know where they’d found him, but he stopped at the front as the procession began.

James was next, walking in a fitted black suit, in a bow-tie with his hair slicked back into place — one of the few times it wasn’t going in every direction.

He stopped in the front, and the groomsmen followed. Tonks lifted her chin to better see Remus as he walked, moving just behind Sirius. His eyes were straight forward, she waited but he didn’t send her a single glance.

For some reason that stung too.

The bridesmaids followed, each in their maroon gowns, stopping to stand on the opposite side to the groomsmen.

Harry was the second to last to walk out, carrying with him a small pillow with the rings, staring around at everyone with big eyes. He walked fast, as if nervous to be doing something with so many eyes watching.

Once reaching the stands, he handed the rings off, and then hurried over to Sirius — who picked him up in his arms, and whispered something that made Harry smile.

Beside him, Remus hid a smile of his own, glancing at them both.

And then the music changed. Tonks watched as Lily appeared, walked down the aisle by Petunia herself — led by the Bridesmaid, without parents to speak of.

Lily was flushed, smiling toward James like he was the only one there. He was smiling back, eyes going over her dress. Beside her, Petunia had on a smile of her own.

As she walked, Petunia shot a quick look toward her husband and their child. Her smile softened.

That too made Tonks annoyed, watching someone else do the basic act of looking for a loved ones in the crowd. Perhaps if Sirius had been sitting beside her, then Remus would look over.

But there was no point torturing herself with thoughts like that.

Petunia handed Lily off to James, and the band quieted. Tonks lowered back into her seat, gripping the chair as the next part of the ceremony began.

She had been dying for a wedding for a while now — or just marriage in general — but now it felt like something she was saying goodbye to. She looked at James and Lily, and she felt silly for ever thinking she and Remus had that.

They never had. Neither of them. They were an empty house compared to James and Lily’s overflow. They were vacant and derelict.

The man at the front cleared his throat, speaking up for the first time.

“Love is the most powerful of all forces. Even in the worst of times, it overpowers all. And today, we are here to honour the love, and the union, of James and Lily Potter.”

“God, he’s a talker.” Peter muttered beside her, but Tonks was too busy blinking back tears, mourning the loss of her own relationship — the happy ending she’d thought she was so close to getting.

They had more photos after the ceremony finished, and Tonks avoided them. She saw Remus for a second, insisting she didn’t need to be in their pictures.

She went to the cocktail hour instead, standing in the greenhouse and drinking a martini. She stayed at a table in the corner.

The place was beautiful. While the flowers outside had mostly left for the season, everything in the greenhouse was in bloom — colourful and overflowing from the pots hung from the ceiling, a rainbows of petals.

She drank her martini, she watched as people chatted, smiling and laughing together. The tables were tall, meant to stand around. There were flower pots on them, the flowers inside white and red and speckled with mistletoe.

Not the same as the arrangements they’d gotten for Lily — her and Sirius and Remus — but similar enough. Thinking of the work that went into all this made Tonks’ head hurt a little bit.

She got out her phone eventually, flipping through it randomly just to pretend she had something to do. She opened up instagram and found that her feed was already filled with other people’s photos of the night, pictures of them in their dresses and well-wishes to the couple.

She closed out of it just as a shadow came over the table, someone stopping beside her. She looked up to find Remus, giving her a half-smile.

He rubbed the back of his neck.

“I’m so tired,” He sighed.

He had a drink of his own in hand, which he drank like it would ward off the fatigue.

“Don’t you have photos?”

“I already got everything they needed. They’re just doing couple photos now, and family photos with Harry. I think Sirius should be heading over here now.”

“Brilliant.” Tonks said, realising after she didn’t sound happy. “So, what did you think of the ceremony?”

“They love each other very much.” Remus said, looking around. “And— well, it’s weird to think about. Weddings…”

“If you were— when we get married,” Tonks made herself change the question. “What would you want something like this?”

“I don’t know,” Remus shook his head. “You were always the planner.”

“Maybe I want you to plan something. Maybe I want to know your dream for once, Remus. What do you want? If you could have anything.”

He shook his head, he kept shaking it. She watched Remus sigh and take another drink.

“I don’t know,” he said, and he sounded pained. “I really don’t know. I just want— I want what you want.”

“That can’t be your answer forever, Remus.”

Remus opened his mouth to say more, but before he could, Sirius had appeared too, holding Harry’s hand all the while. He shot them both a smirk, raising his eyebrows.

“I hope we’re not interrupting, but you’re quite honestly the people I know the best. And I’m already getting some looks. Maybe if I talk to you, I won’t get asked for autographs.”

“We’ll protect you,” Remus smiled back, beckoning him closer. “Did you not get a drink?”

“I was just going to wait. And besides, I’m on babysitting duty.” he patted Harry’s shoulder. “But I was thinking of asking if they do hot chocolate. Harry’s getting cold.”

As he said it, Harry made a show of shivering even worse than before. Tonks watched Remus chuckle, and then he pushed his drink over.

“You want this? I’ll go ask about the hot chocolate, you stay with Tonks. I don’t like it much anyway.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows, but he took the drink slowly and nodded.

Remus left them, and Sirius eyed his retreating figure as Tonks eyed him.

“Sorry.” He said after a second, without even looking at her. “I know you must be sick of me, but I’ll be gone soon. Trust me, it’ll all be fine once I’m gone.”

“Do you really think that?”

He looked back towards her, and then he grimaced and took a sip of Remus’ drink. He made a face after.

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No.” Tonks sighed, and he pushed the drink away. His look her way was apologetic, before reaching out to pick Harry up, as if he could be the barrier between their awkwardness.

“What are you thinking, Harry? Was the wedding everything you’d hoped for?” Sirius shot Tonks a smile. “He’s been obsessed with marriage since he got a good look at this place.”

“We stood a lot,” Harry frowned, and Sirius nodded back with severity.

“Oh, I know. That’s the boring part. But next we get to go eat dinner, and then we can dance. You like dancing, don’t you, Harry? It’ll also be when you can see your mum and dad a whole lot more.”

“A party?” Harry asked, and Sirius’ smile got wider.

“Yep. A big party, all for your parents.”

“Are you going to have a party for your wedding?” Harry looked at Tonks, and she stifled a grimace.

She shrugged.

“I’m not sure what we’re going to do. Remus has to make up his mind about that. I want what he’s interested in, if that’s a big party or a quiet ceremony on our own, he’s got to tell me.”

“I hope that isn’t something new.” Sirius said, and she shot him a look. He bowed his head, and then he let out a sigh.

“He’s never been good at it, if it makes you feel better.” he lowered his voice, though Harry could still hear. “He’s got this fear of opening up.”

“I see him with you. It’s not the same. He’s afraid of opening up, but he shows his feelings in other ways. With me it’s not like that. With me, getting anything out of him is like pulling teeth.”

Remus came back before she or Sirius could say more, which is good because Harry was starting to look confused, trying but failing to keep up with the turn of the conversation.

Remus handed a hot chocolate over to Sirius, who set Harry down and let him have it.

“You’re an angel,” Sirius smiled at him, and Remus shrugged back. His smile was wide, he rubbed the back of his neck.

“It was nothing. And I got my own drink, something actually decent.”

He took a sip of what appeared to be a plain beer. Sirius snorted, and Tonks finished her martini and set it down. She didn’t want to watch them, but she felt trapped.

“I’m going to get another martini,” She said, and she watched Remus smile and nod, and sirius grimace like he knew just what she was thinking.

“I think I should take Harry around the party, actually.” Sirius said, “I can’t hide in a corner forever. Lily would kill me. She might already kill me. Thank you for the hot chocolate.”

He shot Remus another look, one that lasted a second too long, before taking Harry’s hand.

Remus’ shoulders had fallen. He looked disappointed.

“Do you want someone to come along?”

“No, stay with your fiancée.” Sirius smiled again. “Don’t be silly, Remus.”

Remus nodded back, and he leaned against the table and watched him go. He looked at Tonks.

“Do you want me to come with you for your drink?”

“Sure.” Tonks shrugged. “If it doesn’t burden you too much.”

Remus looked confused, but she walked off anyway, deciding to ignore her thoughts for a bit — she didn’t need to be tortured by Remus’ fallen expression, or by the way he’d immediately tried to go along with Sirius.

When had she ever gotten that? It was offensive for Black to even pretend their relationships with Remus were the same.

Sirius

Dinner was held in the same room as the ceremony.

By then, everything had been moved out — long tables taking up half the room, with the flower arrangements he had picked up with Remus and Tonks overflowing from tall vases atop each.

Sirius sat with the rest of the wedding party, beside Remus, because he had no other choice.

He wasn’t talking to him much, mostly out of guilt. Guilt and Lily’s voice in his head. She had told him to cause trouble, and since it seemed trouble came just from looking at Remus, he’d decided the best he could do was ignore him.

He’d slipped up during cocktail hour, but he was back on business. The conversation with Tonks had knocked some sense into him. He knew this would only end up hurting himself. He would fall and no one would catch him, smack down on the hard ground.

Tonks was right, Remus did look at her the way he looked at Sirius — He knew that was true, he knew it like a pit in his stomach — but that did not change facts.

And facts were Remus was marrying Tonks. Facts were that him and Sirius remained a bad idea, and Remus would do what he always did and choose the easier option.

He always chose the easier option. He’d be braver if he could just say something, if he could do something for himself. He was a coward, and Sirius was angry and sad just the same. Because he wanted nothing more than for Remus to turn around and tell him what Sirius already knew — that Tonks couldn’t compete.

He was a weak man. Sirius would take him back — catch fire in seconds if he asked — but he knew it would be a disaster. Remus was smart for avoiding it, but he was a coward for it too. A coward for going along with a life he wasn’t meant for.

Food was a good distraction, and drinking. Sirius drank a lot through the night, ordering drinks of his own — he’d never had more than a single sip of Remus’ drink. It had hurt to do, after he’d realised it. They’d shared so many drinks back in the day, but this was different.

As dinner came to an end, and Sirius pushed his plate away — cleared of everything he’d been given — he looked off toward the rest of the guests, watching them catch his eyes.

Some stared openly, others shot him glances. He’d had to sign a couple napkins during cocktail hour, but he was lucky he knew many of James and Lily’s extended family, and their old friends were shared.

But even those he did know acted like he was a different person. Fame made him something to be gawked and prodded at — less human than he’d been back in the day. Even then he’d been a celebrity of the school, the topic of every rumour good or bad.

The queer kid disowned by his parents, who spend his days making eyes at his best friend. And since Remus would never make them known, he’d always be a tragedy. Maybe he had been, after all he’d been the one waiting — sitting there, believing him when he said to wait for the right time.

He’d almost forgotten the reasons he was angry over December — all their good days drowned it out. It was just like it had been, when he got Remus’ attention he forgot entirely. But now he clung to the anger as protection, because it hurt worse to just be sad.

If he thought too hard, it felt like he was losing Remus all over again. Like the hurt he’d never faced was being pushed the surface thanks to the feeling of Remus’ eyes on him.

“You’re quiet,” Remus said, as Sirius pushed his plate away. Sirius looked at him, leaving back on his chair.

“I’m just tired. After all that, it’s really over. They’re married. This has been a long month.”

Remus shrugged.

“I liked it, the month I mean. It didn’t feel that long. Sometimes I wish it could go on.”

Sirius made himself smile.

“Well, I’m ready to let all the tension out tonight.” he admitted, shooting Remus a wider smirk — more mischievous. He meant it too, this felt as good a plan as any.

Remus was going to marry Tonks, and Lily had told Sirius to stay away. What better way to send a message than this? He’d put an end to the blame falling on him.

It would help, distraction in every way he needed distraction. Maybe he could fuck this out of his system.

“Oh?” Remus’ voice had changed, more strained. Sirius nodded.

“There’s got to be at least one single out there,” he looked around again, eyes wandering over the people, searching for someone who fit what he needed for the night. “And I like some exercise. I’ve been so busy with the wedding I haven’t gone out once.”

“How miserable for you.” Remus’ voice was still strained, and his tone was vague to his feelings.

Sirius found someone, a man in the back — perhaps a year or two older than them. His hair was sand-blond. He must be related to Lily, or else some uni friend he’d never met. His smile widened.

“Found someone.” he turned to smile at Remus, who gave him a small smile back.

“I don’t know,” he said, “Are weddings the best place to pick people up?”

Sirius shrugged back.

“I just need to get out of my head. I need a good workout, to loosen up after all that stressing. And I think a wedding is the perfect place. I’m not going to make a scene. I’ll just ask him to dance, and then take him off after.

Remus blinked, and Sirius patted his arm lightly.

“You look worried.”

“I’m not,” He shook his head. “I guess I just never really met this side of you back in school, for obvious reasons. But you— obviously, have fun. I remember how insatiable you were in school.”

“Oh, I’m sure you do.” Sirius said, and then winced to himself as he turned and downed more of his drink. “But you were too. I’ll bet Tonks and you will be having a night tonight. All the love in the air, it’s bound to make people randy.”

Remus shook his head.

“You’ve always been so crass.”

“I’m honest, Lupin.” Sirius winked. “Better to be honest and crass than spend my life lying about what I want.”

He drank more, finishing it off and setting it down. If Remus picked up on his point, he said nothing about it. He was just quiet, and Sirius cleared his throat and then turned to talk with James and Lily instead.

Lily was giving him a look like he’d done something wrong again, but he hadn’t. Sirius was positive he hadn’t.

Eventually the dancing came, and Sirius found himself out on the floor, feeling looser from the alcohol and happier without Remus close by — or at least less unsteady without him near. Happy wasn’t the right word.

Remus was still watching him. He could feel his eyes, the sense that he was tracking Sirius around the room. It was something that left him tingling, resisting the urge to do things he shouldn’t — stretch or tilt his head just so or do anything just to get more attention.

Instead, he got another drink, and he watched as James pulled Lily and Harry into a small circle to dance, Harry’s face alight with happiness. They were perfect, the perfect family, and that night it hurt to look at.

Sirius had told Harry before that he wasn’t lonely — he had so many people who loved him — but damn if Sirius didn’t feel alone right then.

He imagined going back to London, back to the fame, and everything felt emptier. The crowds, the cheers, all of it had nothing on this — his family here.

But he had a job to do, and the memories here were getting worse. He didn’t know what would happen with Remus if he stayed, but he could see himself as the ‘other woman’ — as the phrase went — constantly waiting.

Or perhaps they’d do this for a time, the circling, the looks. But Sirius knew he’d eventually call it off.

And he would call it off, because Tonks was the easier person to be with. She was not famous, she was not a man, and she was, most importantly, not the whirlwind Sirius had always been.

“Are you Sirius Black?” he stopped and turned, finding a small girl, perhaps twelve, staring up at him with wide eyes. She was wearing a puffy dress, and her hair had been curled tightly.

“I am.”

“I just love your music. And I think it’s so cool that James and Lily know you, and—” The girl turned pink. “You’re just the coolest person ever. I saw you play back in August, during your tour, and I got a t-shirt. I never thought I’d actually get to meet you, though.”

“Well, now you have,” Sirius smiled, “Lucky you.”

She grinned widely at him, and then reached out to the pocket of her dress — she was lucky to have one of those — and pulled out her phone.

“Can I—?”

“Sure, sure.” Sirius nodded along, and he smiled as she moved over, flipping the camera to take a photo of the both of them, hand held out as Sirius had to lean down.

The photo taken, she turned again.

“I really really like your songs. Heartbreaker is my absolute favourite. I wish I could be just like you, I’ve even taken some guitar lessons.”

“That’s brilliant. I’m sure you could be.”

Her smile got even wider, and she practically skipped off, leaving Sirius shaking his head.

When he looked around, he caught Remus watching him, raising his eyebrow. Remus smiled back, shaking his head at the girl and the attention.

As Sirius turned away from him, he continued to make his way through the crowds, finally getting to the table of the sandy-haired man.

Before him, Sirius tilted his head to the side, taking the man in. He didn’t immediately approach him, waiting for the man to notice he was being watched.

When he did, he raised both his eyebrows.

“Oh, hello.”

“Hello,” Sirius said, “I don’t think we’ve met before. I’m Sirius Black, best man.”

“I know,” The man cracked a smile, “not only have I heard your music on every Spotify playlist there is, but I’ve heard your speech.”

“Oh, well then, good to know. What would you rate it? The music and the speech. I always like to hear from fans.”

“I don’t think I’d call myself a fan.” The man ducked his head. “I’ve only heard the popular stuff. But I respect the craft. It’s better than a lot of pop.”

“Cheers.” Sirius smiled. “And the speech?”

“You’ve got a showiness about you, but I think they enjoyed. And you’re funny.”

“Flattery,” Sirius said, and he shot him a smile. “But I did just ask for the compliments, so I won’t hold it against you. How do you know James and Lily?”

“I went to Uni with Lily, we studied together every Saturday. I guess you were already gone by then. I’m actually in London now, so we don’t see each other much.”

“No way,” Sirius smiled, “I live in London too. We could meet up sometime. You could tell me how amazing my music is, once you’ve listened to the rest of it.”

The man chuckled, and Sirius eyed him.

“What do you do, then? If you and Lily went to Uni together…”

“I’m a conservationist. It’s not as fun as it sounds. I do a lot of studies, I write papers and publish them which say that the word is going to shit, and then the government does very little about it.”

Sirius nodded, he made a face.

“Bastards, all of them. But at least you’re trying. You do more than me. I write songs and pretend that’s something important.”

“Good songs.”

Sirius smiled, and he raised his drink.

“Cheers to that.”

He seized the man up as he spoke, and Sirius could tell he was doing the same thing. He could tell in the same way he knew Remus had noticed him again from across the room.

But this wasn’t about Remus, so Sirius set his drink down and leaned in.

“What’s your name?”

“Cardoc.”

“Well, Cardoc. Do you dance?”

He watched a smile spread on Cardoc’s face again, as he looked at Sirius and back out to the people dancing in the centre. He shook his head.

“This is some damn night,” he muttered, before he nodded. “I do dance. I don’t know if I ever expected to dance with someone like you.”

“I’m human,” Sirius promised him, “Completely human. Don’t start self-deprecating now. You were doing very well before.”

He winked, and he held his hand out. With a second of hesitation, a look of slight awe on his face, Cardoc took his hand and let Sirius lead him out to dance.

Everything was going to plan.

Remus

Sirius was dancing with the blond-haired man. He had a grin on, watching the man with eyes Remus knew. He’d said he would, and he had, and Remus simply watched.

He felt weird, but he didn’t know why. It wasn’t exactly jealousy, but it was something close. He’d gotten so much of Sirius’ attention the past few weeks, it was weird to remember that was not how things were.

Sirius was dancing with the man, and Remus was standing with Tonks, nursing his drink, and trying everything he could not to stare. He was failing, he had been failing.

He was worried Tonks had noticed.

He didn’t know what he was doing lately. He was walking a tight-rope, and if he tipped there was ruin. But he was scared of what was at the end of the tight-rope too.

He didn’t want to hurt Tonks, and he didn’t want to lose Sirius again.

It was just friendship. He’d told himself that enough times, even if the way his heartbeat quickened was worrying. He told himself it was natural, and perhaps he could have believed it if he wasn’t so very lost in the emotions of it all, like being taken away by a wave — deeper into an endless ocean.

Sirius Black was his centre. He’d always been his centre. Remus didn’t know what to do with the feelings inside him, but he could not hurt Tonks. And he’d decided on the future. The end of the tightrope, the thing he dreaded and knew he had to take on anyway.

He had to go forward, the only other option was the rocks below. He had to go forward, and he had to stay loyal, and he had to stop staring at Sirius Black and his new boy-toy because it was making him sick.

This is what they’d return to in a week. Him with Tonks, Sirius with his fame and his fortune and his life far far away. And maybe he’d be back next Christmas, but Remus would be married by then.

He wanted to be married, he’d said yes to being married, but still it made him ill. It made him want to scream into a pillow at the unfairness of the universe to do this to him now.

He’d been numb to it before Sirius, and he was no longer numb. He was terrified and unsure what to do with it.

But it didn’t matter, it didn’t matter. He was with Tonks, and it didn’t matter. He closed his eyes and he told himself again and again he’d made his choice, and Sirius and the man meant nothing to him because he had already made his choice seven years ago.

He had let him go, and regret was nothing. He had his future, and it was Tonks. He had his future, and it was what she wanted. He’d drown the thoughts with her dreams like he always had, he’d drown the doubts with her surety.

It was why he’d always loved her, she made things quieter. She gave him a path that was clear, a way forward without fear.

At least until Sirius showed up again.

“Are you listening?”

Remus looked over, finding Tonks’ expression had fallen. She shook her head.

Clearing his throat, Remus drank the rest of his beer — another one, maybe his third. Drinking was a bad idea, but he’d done it anyway.

“I— sorry, lost in thought. Weddings, you know?”

“You were watching Black.” She said dryly. “Him and the man.”

Remus made himself shrug.

“I guess. But— I just never got to watch this before. It’s curious.”

“Yeah,” Tonks sighed, and she set her drink down, “Whatever you need to tell yourself.”

She didn’t look at him, and then she sighed.

“Do you want to dance, then? I know you don’t like it, but—”

“Sure.” Remus agreed too quickly. It was good, and a part of him hoped if he danced with her then it would bring something back, fill the hole that he felt when they were together.

His choice. His future wife, and he was feeling nothing but anxiety when they spoke lately, like any second she’d turn around and start accusing him, asking him why he didn’t love her right.

I can never seem to do it. Sirius said the same thing.

In his head, he told her that, but it wasn’t enough. Because this was different. His love for Sirius had been clouded by fear, his love for Tonks had been driven by it.

She put her hand out, and he took it, and they walked onto the dance floor. He put his arms around her, and as they played a quiet song — a love song — they danced together.

She put her head on his chest, and they swayed. Remus stared out, seeing the people around them. He could still see Sirius too, see him and the man getting closer. They were not as intimate as the others, still in the flirtatious faze — busy eyeing each other.

As they slipped off during the slow-song for drinks, Remus watched Sirius’ eyes snap to him. He didn’t look away, and he swore he saw Sirius’ expression fall just a bit.

Sirius shook his head and looked back towards the man.

Remus could guess what he was thinking. He still thought they’d fail. He’d made it clear. Even in their kinder moments, it was obvious Sirius thought Remus was fooling himself. He thought this was a tragedy that hadn’t played out to the finish line yet.

Remus would prove him wrong. He told himself that as he held Tonks closer, as he leaned down to rest his head on hers. This was his person, this is the person he’d chosen.

He had no regrets. He didn’t regret anything.

The song ended, and Tonks pulled back. As he cupped her face, he could see her eyes shining, wiping them away. She gave him a smile.

“It was— the song was beautiful,” Remus said, and she let out a wet laugh.

“Oh, Remus.” She sighed, and she leaned up to kiss him. “You’re such an idiot sometimes.”

She stepped back, and she wiped her eyes, and she moved back toward outside of the dancefloor. As Remus took a step forward to follow, he found Lily had appeared near him, on her own as James danced with Harry.

“You look beautiful,” Remus said, “And— the wedding was beautiful. Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Lily reached out to put a hand on his shoulder. “Remus—”

She bit her lip, and then she sighed.

“Look, we’re going to talk after this is done, okay. A long talk. I want— you know you can tell me anything, right? Anything at all. You could have this entire time. I would never judge you.”

Remus blinked, and he felt with a sinking heart that perhaps everyone could tell. They could all see his fears reflected out of him, see all the doubts.

It was unfair that he could not have his time to think. He could not get the privilege of working things out on his own. He nodded, and she shot him another sad smile.

“It was a good wedding. If you get married, Remus, I think your wedding will be good too.”

She left him, and Remus took a deep breath, looking around again only to find Sirius kissing the man in the corner, arms around his neck. He felt sick staring — but again, it was only the feeling of things breaking down.

They would be away from each other again soon, and Sirius chose a stranger to spend the night with.

Remus chose Tonks, of course, because why wouldn't he? She was who he was supposed to want.

The wedding finally came to an end later, though a few guests remained past that. Sirius’ new boy-toy stuck around, the few left cleaning up before heading to bed. Remus threw out the empty wine glasses, and he helped to clear the tables, and they set the rubbish bags in the car to take off the next day.

They’d stay in the upstairs rooms of the manor for the night — despite the quick drive. They were drunk, some of them more than others, and sleeping over made the moment last just a bit longer.

Remus shoved more wine bottles away, at the same time he heard a curse. Looking over, he could see Sirius had picked up a bottle himself, taking a swig only to have it spill over his button-up.

He’d taken the blazer off, now just in the white shirt — stained purple. Remus cracked a smile, he couldn’t help it, before hurrying to find something to clean him up.

“Fucking hell,” Sirius glowered, “Maybe I should lay off.”

“You think?” Remus came over to him, pressing a napkin to his shirt. “At least you're rich enough to just buy a new suit.”

“No sympathy, huh?” Sirius frowned at him, before looking down at where Remus was still dabbing up the wine. They were close, Remus was distantly aware of it, but he had other things to think about.

Sirius looked at him again.

“Do you— did you have a nice night? I was off with, uh, Cardoc.”

“You seemed busy.” Remus smiled. “I’ll bet he’s coming up with you tonight.”

Sirius nodded severely.

“Let's hope he knows what he’s doing. I’d like a good end to the night. And—” he sighed. “Where’s Tonks right now?”

“She’s—?” Remus looked around, spotting her talking to Lily. She didn’t seem to be paying much attention, which was a relief. Not that he was doing anything.

He finished dabbing up the wine, but it was still stained.

“She’s just talking with Lily. Probably congratulating her.”

“Maybe they’re making more wedding plans. You can’t run from it anymore, Lupin. You’ll have to start actually making decisions.”

“I know that.” Remus tilted his head back, eyeing Sirius. And then he grabbed another napkin. “I can clean this better.

He went back to trying to take out the stain, and Sirius smirked at him.

“I don’t care,” He said, and he reached out to take Remus’ hand. “You like to worry about things that don’t matter when you’re nervous, you know. You can’t do this forever.”

Remus looked at him, meeting his eyes. Sirius raised his brows, and he leaned in slightly.

“Don’t be a fool, Remus Lupin. What do you want?”

Remus blinked, and he felt his stomach do a couple flips. He felt Sirius steal the napkin from his hand, as Remus remained frozen, and then start dabbing himself off.

He shot Remus a smirk.

“You’re so easy to throw off,” He admitted. “I shouldn’t like it. I’m not supposed to talk to you tonight. Lily’s orders.”

Remus’ brows knit together.

“What…?”

“But I’m awful at rules,” Sirius said, “And you look damn good in a suit.”

Remus continued to stand there, and then he shook his head. He shook it, and he made himself laugh.

“God, you really are so much like when we were kids.” he whispered. “You’re—”

He cut off as he looked at Sirius again, finally noticing Tonks watching from across the way. Her eyes had narrowed, and he felt his throat close up, watching her turn back to Lily and shake her head.

Remus sighed.

“You know, when I have my wedding…” he looked back toward Sirius. “I think I want it to be small. Intimate, actually. Not this many people, not this much drama.”

Sirius, for his part, didn’t even flinch. He kept smiling.

“Would I be invited?”

“Would you want to be?”

Sirius shrugged.

“I never wanted to get married. And to be honest, I don’t think I could ever want you to get married.”

He looked Remus up and down, and then — despite it staining him before — took another swig from the mouth of the bottle he was holding.

He made a face.

“I never liked wine,” He sighed, and then he nodded off toward Tonks. “Have a good night, Remus. I hope you think about me.”

He winked, and then he walked off, leaving Remus frozen. His heart was still beating weirdly. When he looked over, the man — Cardoc — appeared completely unaware of anything strange, letting Sirius take his hand and lead him off.

Off to have their fun. Remus wondered if he walked over now — stepping between them — if Sirius would go along with it. Let him take his hand, lead him off instead.

The feeling of him leaning closer only seconds before was making it hard to focus on anything else, staring at the two as they left, and Remus knew he could stop it. He knew, he knew Sirius wanted it too — almost beckoned him, asked of him mere moments earlier.

But he would not stop it. He would not.

Remus went towards Tonks instead, sighing as he closed up the last of the rubbish bags. They could finish their clean-up in the morning, after they’d all slept–off the alcohol.

Tonks was silent as they walked back up to the room. She said no words, and Remus could sense something was off. He could sense it in the way her eyes didn’t look to him, and he could sense it as they got to the room they’d be staying and she immediately stripped out of her dress and went to the ensuite.

She closed the door, and Remus stood there for a second, trying to work out what to do.

He decided on taking his tie off, unbuttoning his shirt and beginning to strip himself. He was in his undershirt by the time Tonks came back out. His motions were slow, but she was moving speedily.

Putting her dress away, she flopped onto the bed, staring at the ceiling.

“I’d like to get to bed soon,” She said aloud. “I’m not— I’m just looking to sleep tonight.”

“Are you alright?”

Remus asked, pausing where he stood. He walked toward her on the bed, but stopped short as she sat up. She levelled him with a glare, a sharpened one.

Usually when they fought, they fought out of frustration. Her frustration that he did not want what she wanted, and his frustration at being pushed.

But there was no frustration now, just malice.

“Am I alright?” She asked, “What do you think, Remus?”

“Is— Is something wrong?”

She threw her hands up, and then Tonks stood, getting off the bed to step towards him. Remus stepped back.

“What do you think!” She snapped again. “What do you think, Remus? Do you think I don’t have eyes? Do you really think I’m that oblivious?”

“What—?” Remus bit his lip. He did know what she meant, and he didn’t know what to say. All his fears coming true at once. He squeezed his eyes shut. “Let’s not— can you just let me— if you’re worried about anything, you can let me explain.”

“Worried?” Tonks scoffed. “I’m not worried, Remus. I’m pissed. I’m pissed because I spent four years with you! And for what? I can see the way you look at him, and I see the way you talk to him, and I know! I know you’ve never looked at me like that.”

“It’s different, but that doesn’t mean…”

“Don’t bullshit me, Lupin.” Tonks took a step forward, prodding him with a finger to the chest. “You never told me about him, why?”

“Because it hurt too much.”

“Seven years,” She said quietly, “And it still hurt too much? You never got over him. You never— I was just dragging you along all this time. And I felt it, but I told myself— I told myself I could eventually be enough, and I told myself that was just how you loved. But it never was! You couldn’t even do me the decent thing of calling things off. You had to keep going, like a zombie. Our relationship was always just a zombie, but I never got to know that.”

“Tonks, that’s not true,” Remus reached for her, cupping her face. He felt desperate, desperate not to lose her. If he did, he’d be untethered, and then he’d fall. No tightrope, no nothing.

He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to lose her. He was terrified of his life without her, after so many years following after her. What would he be without her? Who even was he?

“Please,” Remus whispered, “I love you, Tonks. I’m here with you, not with him. I chose you, I’ve been choosing you every day.”

“It shouldn’t be a choice at all. I shouldn’t feel it, feel the apprehension, feel the way you hold yourself back. You shouldn’t feel this way, Remus. Not if I was really what you claim. Not if you really loved me.”

She pushed his hands back, and she stepped away when he tried to reach for her again.

“I won’t do this. I won’t be your safety net, and I won’t be the person you stay with because you feel you ought to. I won’t sit around and play the dumb wife unaware of her husband's affair.”

“I would never cheat on you, Tonks.”

“What makes you think this is better? Because in your head you can’t control it. You control what you do about it. You control what you— Would you ever have married me, Remus? Or would you have kept leading me on until I came to my senses, until four years had passed and you kept coming up with excuses and I realised you never wanted this.”

Remus was quiet, and she scoffed.

“I love you…”

“Not enough.” She snapped, and Remus flinched. He’d heard that before. He felt his legs wobbling, and Tonks wiped her face.

“I’m not going to be someone you settle for. I deserve to have someone who’ll be my second half. I was— fuck, I meant to wait until after the holidays, but I can’t take another day of this. I can’t take another day of watching you with him. I have too— I have to go.”

She stepped away, grabbing her jacket and then her things. She looked back toward Remus, staring at his slumped form. He didn’t say anything back to her, he’d already been struck silent.

She shook her head, and her look was both pitying and a little disgusted.

“I just don’t understand why you ever said yes at all. And I don’t understand how I didn’t realise it. You’re— you’re such a fucking mess.”

She left, and Remus rubbed his face. He stared at his hands, and he knew she was right.

He was a mess.

Just like that, everything that had held him together for four years was gone, and he was in freefall. His future ripped and shredded — even a future he’d dreaded.

Tonks was gone, and he had nothing holding him back. He had lost her, and he’d lost everything else with it. His implosion, nothing could get worse.

Remus stood, and he stared around the room, and he rubbed his face.

And then he turned and walked out the door.

Fuck it. He’d ruined his life already. Fuck it.

Nothing could get worse, and he was freed now. Nothing tying him down, nothing closing his throat up.

He’d held himself back before, but he wouldn’t now.

He walked three doors down and he knocked. He knocked as fast as he could, staring at it, as he heard something thud inside, and then the sound of movement.

When the door opened, Sirius stood in front of him — his shirt unbuttoned completely, revealing a strip of pale skin, the lines of ink over it. More skin than Remus had been allowed to see before.

He stared for a second, and then he stared at Sirius — breathless, hair dishevelled, lips flushed.

He looked behind him, at the man on his bed. Cardoc, with his own shirt halfway unbuttoned.

“Can you get rid of him?” Remus asked, and he looked at Sirius. He watched him swallow. A moment of hesitation, but he sighed in the end, shoulders falling. One question and he’d caved. Sirius nodded.

“Cardoc…”

The man let out a huff, he looked between them both.

“Seriously?”

“As if you couldn’t figure it out earlier. It’s your own fault.” Sirius shot him a look, and then shewed at him. As Cardoc quickly buttoned his shirt back up, Sirius stepped out of the way to let him out, and then let Remus in.

He closed the door, turning to face where Remus hovered in the center of the room. He leaned against it, looking Remus up and down.

“To be so honest with you, Lupin, I have one thing on my mind tonight and if you just lost me my chance I might just have to—”

Remus stepped towards him. Two steps, and he was pressed against him, pinning him to the door. Sirius shut up immediately, and that alone was intoxicating.

Sirius’ eyes went to his lips, and that was confirmation enough. Remus didn’t want to talk anyway. He was done talking, and he was done thinking.

Fuck it.

Taking Sirius’ jaw in hand, he kissed him. He kissed him deeply, kissed him like he was trying to find something. A kiss that had been seven years in the making, alcohol on both their breaths.

He kissed him, opening his mouth and tilting his head back and trying to devour him whole. He slid his hand back into his hair, and he stumbled backwards, wanting to get him to the bed — needing to get him to the bed.

He wanted to touch him everywhere. After three weeks of torture, three weeks of pushing down fantasies, and he had his chance. Sirius let him push a hand up his shirt, let him run his fingers over the tattoos, new and old. The moon still present on his wrist, which Remus could have bitten into — thought about, as he kissed down Sirius’ neck, sucking his collar bone.

“I—” Sirius let out a quick breath, “Fuck.”

He pushed Remus away lightly.

“Tonks,” He said, shaking his head, “I mean— I—”

He looked at Remus’ lips again, as if he couldn’t quite bare to stop doing this. Remus was already leaning towards him again.

“She left me.” He explained. “She left.”

He kissed Sirius again, attempting to pull him closer, reaching to start taking his shirt off. Sirius stopped him, pulling away and keeping him back with hands on his shoulders.

This time, his expression had changed. He looked different, appeared different.

“She left you? When?”

“Just now. Before I came. After— I just—”

Sirius took a step back, and Remus felt a desperate pang, wondering what was wrong now.

“It’s not— She called off the wedding, she called off everything, Sirius. There’s nothing wrong with—”

“So she breaks your heart, and you come to me for comfort?” Sirius asked, and his voice had gone calm — a dangerous calm. Unlike the fight with Tonks, Remus knew this anger well. He knew every angry version of Sirius.

He knew this was the worst of them.

“No,” Remus shook his head, “No, not like that. I wanted— I’ve wanted this for a while.”

“But it took her leaving you. This is— this is only because she left you. You didn’t call it off. You would have walked right down that aisle, Remus. She left you.”

“I don’t understand,” Remus stepped toward him again, and Sirius stepped away, and he was tired of everyone doing that. “Did you want me to— to do this while we were together? I’m not a cheater.”

Sirius snorted like he’d said something funny.

“No, you’re a fucking coward. And if anything that’s worse.”

He shot Remus a glare.

“You could never choose me. I knew it, it’s why I’ve been— I’ve been trying to do better. And Cardoc would have helped, but here you are ruining that too. It’s never me. I’m never enough.”

“Sirius—”

“You know what I wanted, Remus?” He looked him in the eye, “I wanted you to end things with her. I wanted you to make the choice for once in your life, and I wanted you to do something hard because it was the right thing to do. I wanted you to pick me. I wanted you to decide I was— I was what you wanted. And I wanted you to do it yourself, because you truly felt it, not waste away until she realised it herself. I want to be chosen.”

Sirius threw his hands up.

“I didn’t want to hurt anyone,” Remus pleaded, “And I knew— I know there’s nothing—”

“Nothing what? Nothing between us, nothing left here.” Sirius snorted. “Who are you kidding, Remus? How many times will you tell the same fucking lie?”

Remus was silent, and Sirius kicked the frame of his bed petulantly.

“You’re a coward.” he said again, “you’re a pathetic coward, and I’m sick of being stuck in your orbit, like I just turn into some lovesick idiot when I’m near you, waiting around for you to decide I’m worth fighting for. But I never am. I will never be, because you always pick the easier path. The one with less resistance. That will never be me, Remus. So who the fuck are we kidding?”

He sniffled, and then pointed at the door.

“Now get the fuck out of my room. I’m going to sleep. I don’t feel much in the mood for anything anymore.”

Remus nodded. He didn’t say anything, because he didn’t know what to say to make things better. He felt miserable.

Maybe Sirius had been right. He’d been afraid of hurting someone, but in the end, his paralysis had only hurt everyone more.

His attempts to makes things better made them worse. His fear made things worse.

Sirius closed the door behind him, and Remus heard it lock from the inside. He leaned against it for a second, shaking off the emotional whiplash of the night — everything crumbling at once.

And somehow he’d thought before that things couldn’t get worse.

Sirius

He packed to leave early that morning, and he told no one. Purchasing a train ticket, he got his luggage and he got out. He’d be gone by ten, when the others were getting up, nursing their hangovers.

He would be gone, because if he stayed a second longer one of them would talk him into staying. And if he stayed longer, he’d do something really stupid, like forgive Lupin.

He wasn’t going to do that, and he couldn’t stand looking at his face a second more. It made him ill. It made him ill to know that he’d hoped for just a second — even if it was a bad decision — that Remus might decide he was worth blowing up his life for.

But no. Of course not.

He walked out of the room, and he walked down the stairs, and he called himself an Uber. Standing in the entryway of the castle, looking around.

It was snowing outside, winter was in the air. Christmas was in a few days, and he had promised Harry to be around. They could blame it on Remus, just another thing he’d ruined.

When he got the text his Uber was there, Sirius got in. He closed the door and leaned back, watching the fields around him go by as they drove to the Potters’ cottage, and then off to the train station.

He could text once he was on the train, until then he was just going to focus on getting out without anyone to convince him he had to keep playing nice.

This village had too many damn ghosts, and he needed to get out.

Chapter Text

Remus

Morning light poured through the window, and Remus woke to a thudding in his head — his mouth tasting of roadkill.

He groaned, rolling over to stare up at the ceiling — the lined planks of wood. The day before came back to him at once, remembering where he was.

The wedding, the ceremony and then the reception. He remembered Sirius spilling wine on his shirt, and he remembered Tonks ending things — breaking at all off in one fell swoop.

And after that, going to find Sirius. Kissing him, deciding that he had nothing else to be afraid of, only for everything to crash and burn again.

He’d lost Tonks, and then he’d lost Sirius. He’d lost Sirius again, and it left a gaping hole in him worse than the hangover. Like he’d been torn open.

He got up, rubbing his face and staring around. His things still open on the floor, Tonks’ gone. He wondered if she’d gone back to the house. He wondered if he’d have to see her when he went home.

The thought was upsetting. He didn’t want to. He couldn’t face her, couldn’t handle the way her face would change when he explained everything. He’d fucked up in too many ways the night before.

They were broken beyond repair, and she had been right all along. Her and Sirius both. He had been holding on too tightly to her because things were simpler.

Nothing was simple now. Nothing at all was simple, and he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to go on.

Remus got dressed slowly, as he dreaded the morning to come. He doubted Sirius would talk to him, he doubted he’d even look at him for the next week.

The thought pained him, and the desperation had not left. Remus didn’t want to watch him leave any more than before, and the thought of Sirius going back to London now was like a poker to the chest — a stabbing, burning pain.

Once he was gone, Sirius would be completely lost to him. No chance to talk, no nothing. A year or more without him. After all this, he didn’t know if next Christmas would even be a chance he got.

Remus squeezed his eyes shut as the anxiety took route in him. He’d lost Sirius, he’d lost him, and he didn’t know what to do now. With a week before he was gone for good — walking out of his life and leaving Remus with only the wreckage he’d caused — Remus knew he had to do something.

But what? What would be enough? Every time he reached out he ruined things, and Sirius had made himself clear the night before. The right time to act was seven years ago, and he’d let that pass.

And was he brave enough? Remus Lupin was a coward — christened as one twice in the same night. What was the point of trying to be anything else?

He just knew he couldn’t let Sirius slip away again. He knew it deeply, with resolve, and so he’d think of something. In the next week, he’d find something. Even just as friends, even as people he saw each other once every year — once every other year. He’d take anything.

Finishing up, he threw on a jumper and brushed his teeth in the ensuite, staring at himself in the mirror. Dark circles under his eyes, he looked like someone who’d seen the devil and survived to tell the tale.

He felt a bit like it. The night before had been so good and then so bad in such a short time. And he was uneasy with it, rubbing his face.

He didn’t want to face Sirius at all.

Sighing, he walked out the door anyway, finding James on the other side, hovering like he’d been thinking about knocking. He looked at Remus, and then looked behind him.

The door still open, the room empty within.

He looked sad, all of a sudden. His eyes went hollow.

“Morning,” Remus said, “Tonks…”

He didn’t what else to add, he didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure the truth was worth much, it made him feel ashamed. But the way James’ eyes had gone made him feel like he already knew.

“She’s gone.” Remus sighed, he stared at the ground. “We— we got into a fight last night. She left.”

“Sirius is gone too,” James said, and it made Remus’ head whip up. He stared at him, mouth parting in a moment of shock. He watched James wince.

“At least you didn’t know about that, I guess. But you must know why.”

Remus felt his shoulders droop. He looked away from James, suddenly wishing very badly he could crawl back into the bed and stay there. He didn’t want to face the shame.

This was his fault. Both of them running off, and he was solely to blame. James and Lily would remember this forever, the morning after their wedding ruined by Remus’ crisis.

“He went back to your house?”

“No, I got a text from him about five minutes ago that he got a train back to London. He said he couldn’t stay here any longer, too many bad memories.”

Remus felt the last of the air get knocked from him, like a deflated balloon. Even the little bit of hope he’d had was gone. Sirius was gone, Sirius had left, and he would have no way of reaching him.

He’d truly ruined everything. Sirius couldn’t even bear to be in the same room as him, the same town as him.

“I’m sorry.”

James let out a low grunt, something annoyed.

“Don’t be sorry to me. Harry’s devastated, he thought Sirius would be around for Christmas for once. Why— what did you even do?”

“I just—” Remus shook his head. “I think I did nothing, and maybe that was the worst part. I did nothing, even though…”

“They were mad at you for doing nothing?” James rolled his eyes, and then he let out another huff. He patted Remus on the shoulder in a gesture that felt equal parts frustrated and comforting. “You need to sort your shite out, mate. Please, for all our sake.”

“I can’t believe he just left.”

“Do you know about Tonks?” James asked, “Do you think you’ll work things out?”

Remus snorted, he wiped his face. He avoided James’ eyes as he spoke, knowing there would be even more disapproval there.

“No. She was— she was right about a lot of things last night. I think I chose her, I decided to stay with her, because it made life simple. It felt like the path I was supposed to take. But it was never— she was never him. I think I would have ended up miserable.”

“Alright.” James sighed. “Just— work things out. Figure yourself out. Maybe try being single for a bit.”

Remus let out another huff. He didn’t want to be single. He didn’t truly want anything much anymore — beyond to have Sirius there again. Go back in time, re-do the last couple weeks, get Sirius to stick around.

“Lily ordered breakfast,” James said, “Takeaway. Come downstairs, we have a full spread. And it would be good for Harry to see someone’s still here. He was crying earlier.”

Remus was silent, and James turned and walked away, leaving him standing there with a weight on his shoulders.

He’d done so terribly. He’d ruined the kid’s Christmas.

They had sausage links and scrambled eggs in takeaway boxes, and Remus loaded up his plate, planning on eating away his feelings, all while avoiding the way Lily’s eyes followed him.

James had been whispering something to her when Remus came in, and he knew she’d heard enough. She didn’t ask where Tonks had gone, and she didn’t ask him about Sirius.

Remus didn’t want to think about it, so he sat beside Harry, instead improving his mood the little he could — the best he could offer in the way of making amends.

“Why did he leave?” Harry asked, “Christmas was supposed to be together.”

Remus shook his head.

“I think he was scared. Sometimes you run when you’re scared. But it’s not anything to do with you, Harry. He loves you very much.”

“But he left.” Harry said it, as if that meant nothing else mattered. Remus felt sad again, grappling with the fact that was his own fault.

“You can— you’ll see him again. And he said next Christmas, right? You could visit him next christmas.”

“I don’t want next Christmas, I want now.” Harry insisted, and then his eyes began to well with tears. As Remus bit his lip to stop from his own falling expression, he watched Lily hurry over to scoop him up, attempting to sooth him.

She had Remus shared their first look, and she sighed at him, shaking her head. The disappointment was palpable.

“I really liked her,” Lily said, “I liked how she calmed you.”

“I liked her too,” Remus said, and he looked down at his half-eaten plate of food. “But I don’t think that could be enough. I don’t think— We would never have been you and James. I don’t think I even want a relationship like you and James.”

“I didn’t think you’d be like us.”

“But I think I did. I wanted— I wanted the happy ending, and you seemed happy.” Remus shook his head. “And I thought— I thought I could settle down and be happy, but I think I would end up resenting her for everywhere she pushed me.”

Lily shook her head, handing Harry off to James before sitting down beside him. As James took Harry further away, she leaned forward. She spoke in a quiet voice.

“Sirius won’t answer any calls. Besides the one text, he’s silent. I want to know— what did you actually do, Remus? You told James nothing, but we know that isn’t true.”

“She ended things, I went to him. He was— receptive at first, but when he found out she’d broken things off with me, he got upset. That’s what happened. He wanted me to choose him, and I didn’t. And then he ran off.”

Remus let out a grunt of pain, taking another bite of his eggs — like that would help anything.

Lily patted him on the shoulder.

“Oh, Remus,” She sighed, like he was the most pathetic fool she’d ever seen. “What are we going to do with you?”

He had no answer, but he watched her look away again, staring around the room.

“At least you waited to blow your life up after our wedding.”

He ducked his head again, and she stood up, walking back over to James and Harry, whispering something to Harry that finally made him stop crying.

She picked him up again, carrying him off from the room, and James shot Remus another sad smile before coming to sit with him.

They ate breakfast in silence, and Lily and Harry didn’t come back for a while. By then, they were ready to pack up the rest of their things and go.

Off to his flat again, to whatever waited for him there.

When Remus got back to the flat, he opened the door to silence. Stepping through, he thought about calling out, but the silence was oppressive.

He was quiet too as he took his shoes off, moving deeper in and finding the place vacant. No signs of Tonks, nothing at all.

He walked through, getting to the bedroom. The bed made as they’d left it, Remus’ bureau to one side. That was when he noticed all the things missing, Tonks clothing gone.

She’d packed it up, she’d left at some point.

Remus walked back out, making his way to the kitchen where he finally noticed something — a note lying on the countertop. As he picked it up, he found a ripped scrap of paper in Tonks’ handwriting.

You can have the flat, it’s got too many bad memories. I think I need a fresh start. I’ll be back to get the rest of my things.
- T

He put the note down, hit with another wave of numbness. He felt nothing, the shock strange. Four years together and it was done with a single argument and a note.

He’d almost prefer hearing more of her anger. But this was something else, a quiet refusal to give him what he wanted.

Remus crumpled the note and threw it out, and he walked to the sitting room. Leaning back on the couch, he stared at the ceiling, trying to work out what came next.

What to do? What to think?

He took out his phone and dialled Tonks’ number. It went straight to voicemail. He cleared his throat, and with words that felt strange to his own ears — a voice that sounded too calm for the situation, he stared talking.

“Hey… I saw your note. I wanted to say I’m back at the flat. If you don’t want me here when you pack things up… I can be gone. I don’t know when you plan on coming. Just— let me know, okay? And I am sorry.”

He finished the voicemail, hanging up and staring around again. The flat they’d bought together, and he felt weird being in it alone. She shouldn’t have given it to him, she’d picked the place out.

It was her flat more than his. And she paid half the rent. Maybe he’d move out too, but he couldn’t think about that now. Tilting his head back, he let out a groan, covering his eyes with his hands.

The day already felt like it would be long and miserable. The rest of his life felt pretty long and miserable too.

He looked at his phone again, going through the numbers, and paused on Sirius’.

He clicked the call button, watching it start, and felt his heartbeat quicken. He waited, holding his breath, ast he phone went to voicemail.

He shut it off quickly, sucking in a breath and squeezing his eyes shut as he threw his phone down next to him.

Idiot. He needed to get out of here, clear his head. He was desperate for this weekend to end, that way he could at least get back to work — with the distraction of the last few days of classes, and the students bouncing off the walls.

They had a Christmas to look forward to, meanwhile all Remus had was dread.

A knock came to the door a few days later. Right after Remus had gotten home from his last day of classes — loosening the bottoms of his shirt, leaning against the couch, he heard the sharp knock.

Sitting up, he checked his phone, finding no new messages. He felt his heartbeat quicken, trying to stifle it.

He shouldn’t hope for anything. His calls to Sirius had gone unanswered — the few times he’d called at all, before hanging up and shaking his head at his own foolishness.

But still, the knock came again, and Remus took a breath, sitting up and walking to the door right as it opened on its own. He stopped dead, staring at Tonks on the other side.

In her red leather jacket, with her hair freshly dyed an electric blue, chopped even shorter. She eyed him, and Remus stared back.

“I thought you might not be home,” She explained. “I’m here to get the last of my things.”

Remus nodded, he stepped back.

“Do you want me to go?”

“No,” She sighed, “Stay. Just— we should talk this out, anyway. Because I don’t want you to get upset by the things I take.”

“You can have anything, everything if you want. It’s your flat more than mine.”

Tonks’ face fell. She looked anywhere but at him. He could see tears beginning to shimmer in her eyes.

“Don’t say that,” She said, “We bought it together.”

“You picked it out. I never really cared where we ended up.”

“Right.” Tonks sniffled, and she nodded. “Well, I am taking the car. That actually is mine. You’ll— well, do whatever you’ve been doing.”

“Walking.” Remus shook his head. “Not like there’s many places I can’t walk to. And I get some rides from James.”

“How are they?” Tonks asked, “They’re not angry at me?”

“Not at you.” Remus said, and then he gave her a bitter smile. “You could talk to Lily. She liked you. She’s so upset I fucked things up.”

“Well, me too. We have that in common.” Tonks sniffled, rubbing her nose. She looked around.

“What about…”

“He’s gone.” Remus shook his head. “He left not long after you. I really can’t do anything right.”

She didn’t respond, letting the door close behind her.

“I’ll be out of here quickly.” She said, “And I’m sure you’ll work things out.”

With that, she passed him by, going to the kitchen to grab the first of her things. Remus hovered for a while, watching her work. She took out the glasses she’d bought, and she rolled up the rug in the sitting room, and Remus said nothing at all.

She truly could take whatever she wanted. If she decided to take his jumpers away, he’d let her. It felt like the best he could do, after so thoroughly fucking her life up.

He’d lost four years of his life in stasis, but she’d spent those four years expecting a future. She’d lost so much more, and he knew that was his own fault.

She took trips to her car, and Remus followed her when she went into the bedroom, pausing to take it in again.

“I never got why you took him in here. I don’t know why, but it felt so wrong. Like this was our place, and you thought it was okay.”

She whispered it as she picked up the few things she’d left — a random sock hidden under the bed. She looked back towards where Remus hovered at the doorway, in the shadows of the corridor.

“I just— I was so excited for him to be here. I showed him everything, because I wanted to be known again.”

“I wonder sometimes. If it was me returning, if you were with him, would you have showed me anything at all? I worked so hard, so fucking hard, to get so little from you. Like pulling teeth just for you to tell me basic shite.”

“I’m sorry.” Remus walked into the room, sitting down on the bed. “I’m so sorry, truly. I think— I wanted us to work, Tonks. I promise. I wasn’t trying to ruin your life.”

“But.”

“But it was always him. It was always him. I don’t think I could ever get him out of my system. I thought for a while I could. I thought maybe I was just— just making things up in my head. Misremembering how— how things felt. But then he came back, and it was so real.”

He ducked his head.

“And maybe I should have ended things with you, but I did love you. I loved you, and I thought that it could be enough. I thought I could— could ignore my feelings for him. I never wanted to hurt you.”

Tonks let out a groan, and when he looked over she had tilted her head back, eyes shut as if she was in pain. She shook her head.

“At least you're self-aware.” She said, “And I do know all that. I know— I saw you with him, and I knew. I should have realised before. Like I said, you were never easy to get to know. You were never easy to love. I should have realised it meant something.”

“Don’t blame yourself.” Remus said, “It’s my fault. You just— you believed me when I said I wanted this. That’s not your fault. I should have been braver. You were right, I am a coward.”

Tonks shook her head again.

“I really wish you saying these things made me feel better, but it doesn’t. It just makes me angry.”

She walked to the door, shooting him one last look where he was resting on the bed.

“This is the last of my things.” She explained. “So that’s it. Goodbye, Lupin.”

“Goodbye.” Remus said, hearing his voice wobble. A lump in his throat, and a part of him wanted this to be tied up with a bow. He wanted to know he hadn’t ruined her life, but that was selfish.

He couldn’t expect forgiveness this quickly, he shouldn’t expect forgiveness at all. She would hate him for a long time, perhaps forever, and he had to live with that.

He had to live with what he’d done.

She left, and he remained seated, staring at the room around him. Their room, until recently, and that was a stone in his stomach, weighing him down, sinking him lower into his state of misery.

Nine Years ago…

Remus lay on the grass, staring up at the stars. Night had come, and everything was dark around him, the shadows of the trees rising up. He had a blunt in hand, his thoughts growing slower the more he inhaled.

Things were clearer out here, in the bitter cold of the fresh air, under the starlight. The smell of the woods and the weed mixed together, he felt calmer than at home — with his father watching him like a hawk, waiting for the slightest slip-up.

He’d caught him two nights prior, slipping back into the house laced with the scent of smoke. Remus hadn’t heard the end of it. While he knew this was only making things worse, he couldn’t help it. He needed this, and no angry words from his father could deter the desperate need to escape that house.

Freedom.

A rustling sound made him turn his head, watching another figure appear from the line of trees, pausing as he took him in. Remus held the spliff out silently.

Sirius Black lay beside him, letting out a sigh as he took the spliff in hand, turning it over, before taking a drag.

“You ran off too?” Remus asked, watching Sirius’ face. In the dark, the starlight made his skin even paler, nearly white. The silver of his eyes like liquid.

He’d been growing his hair out, despite his mother’s wishes. It was long enough now to brush his jawline. Remus wanted to touch it, but he wasn’t sure the rules quiet yet.

“My dear mother laid into me tonight. I didn’t even do anything this time. I just— I think I spilled the salt when passing it at the dinner table. Some rubbish. She sent me off without food, screamed at me until my ears rang.”

“Sirius—”

“What about you?”

“It’s just lonely. The house makes me feel like I’m going mad.”

Sirius smiled, and he took another drag before putting his hand out, hovering there for Remus to take a drag right from his fingers.

Heart beating faster, Remus did so, watching his smile widen. Sirius watching him, and when he finished he inched closer.

Remus didn’t know what they were doing, but he wasn’t going to ruin it by asking. The nights they found each other like this, the moments shared under starlight, were the best part of his year. He wouldn’t ruin a good thing.

As Sirius took another drag, he tilted Reums’ face towards him, pressing their lips together as he blew the smoke into his mouth. And Remus didn’t even care that his eyes were watering.

He reached out, letting himself drag a hand through Sirius’ hair — because this felt like the time he was allowed. When they did this, he was allowed.

Sirius leaned into him, and while the smoke was gone their lips were still together, kissing languidly, as he cupped Remus’ chin.

Eventually, Sirius pulled back. Even in the dark, Remus could see his cheeks had flushed.

“I think you’re going to be the death of me,” He told Remus.

Remus brushed a finger against his cheek, staring into his eyes. He smiled.

“As if the drugs won’t get you first.” He said, and he pulled Sirius back towards him, kissing in the dark — under starlight — without asking questions.

Unsure what they were, unsure what this meant, but just knowing he couldn’t lose this. He couldn’t lose Sirius. That was the only thing he was sure of, the only part of his life that made absolute sense.

Tonks

She had to stay in an inn, on the top floor of the only boarding-house in all of the town. It was a bit rundown, but at least she had a place to get food downstairs.

The first night was hell, she barely slept. She cried most of the night. The second one she managed to cry herself to sleep, which was only marginally better.

She called her mum at one point, sitting in the tiny room she’d rented and listening to her go on about how terrible Remus was, nodding along.

“The man couldn’t even do you the decency of being honest!” her mother continued, “All this time, going on about how he was going to marry you…”

Tonks didn’t say anything, but she thought her mother was wrong. Remus had not ever gone on about marrying her, she’d gone on about marrying him. She’d done this to herself.

That was a thought which made her both bitter and angry — angry at herself more than anything. She didn’t know what was wrong in her head.

She had to accept it. She had to accept that Remus Lupin had been a lot of things — he had wrecked her life in a lot of ways — but she was half at fault. It was on her, every time he’d pulled back and she’d decided to drag him closer.

He’d made his thoughts on marriage clear the first time, and she’d decided he was simply afraid. She had told herself time and time again Remus was the kind of person who needed someone to tell him what to do.

But she’d been wrong. If she’d ever been a little smarter, she would have seen this coming. He had never wanted what she’d wanted, but she’d gotten him to agree to it anyway. And he’d gone along with it.

She had dug her own hole, and she was lying in it. As miserable as that was, it was the damn truth.

She looked for a new place. She searched online, she looked through the empty flats in her old building, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to pick them.

She’d still be in the same palace as Remus, see him every day, and she didn’t know if she could handle that.

Her mum told her to leave, but Tonks didn’t want to leave. She wouldn’t let Remus take this town from her too, because she loved it. She had picked it same as him, the place she wanted to grow old in, the place she wanted to raise a kid in.

But he had taken that from her.

She ended up spending a lot of time in the pub below her room, sitting there and working on editing in the back. As miserable as she was, her job went on.

She watched people, and that felt better. Seeing people flirt, going home together, coming as a group after work finished so they could let off steam. She never saw Remus, and she was glad for that. She never saw Jaems and Lily either — despite him saying she should reach out.

She didn’t want to, and they hadn’t reached out, and they were all Remus’ friends in the end. Not her friends. For whatever reason, that only made her feel more like an idiot.

All this time, and she’d been following a pipe-dream. She’d been chasing someone who’d only ever wanted to pretend. She’d through she could will the future she wanted into existence, but she’d been so very wrong.

“You look miserable.”

Tonks looked up to find a figure standing above her, giving her a half-smile. A man, one of his eyes glass.

Tonks sighed.

“I am miserable. I think I’m the biggest fool there is.”

“Well, at least you’re doing it better than anyone else.” The man snarked.

She shot him a look, watching the man chuckle.

“Listen. We all have our days, but you keep going. I can already tell this ain’t the end of the world. I’ve had a whole lot of shite happen to me in my days, and I learned to get over it.”

He gave her another grin.

“How old are you? You look fresh out of Uni.”

“Twenty-two. I got out a year ago,” Tonks sighed.

He chuckled again.

“Everything feels like the end of the world when you’re young.” He promised, “but once you get old like me, you see it was nothin’. Just what life is. You have to take the bad parts.”

Tonks nodded.

“I just— I thought I’d found the one. I even got engaged, and he— well, he wasn’t it.”

The man laughed, actually laughed at her.

“You’re a year out of university. Don’t start being worried now. You have at least eighteen years left before you’re even a little old, if you ask me. Be young.”

Tonks nodded, and she wondered if he was right. Remus and his friends were all a bit older, and maybe she’d gotten so caught up in that she’d forgotten just how young she was.

Twenty-five and with a kid, James and Lily had done things faster than most.

She had wanted to keep up with that speed, complete everything she had planned while she still could, but perhaps she’d been rash. Maybe youth had been ignored in the name of following after them.

She nodded.

“You’re right.” She said, “I guess— I guess I didn’t lose that much time.”

“You’ve barely lived at all,” The man snarked. “And you’ll meet far better than your uni boyfriend in your time. Trust me.”

With that, he left her, and Tonks mulled that over. Out of every conversation she’d had — most with her mother, a few with her father — this was the first to actually get to her.

For the first time, she always felt better. Still heartbroken, but less like she's completely lost her chance at the life she’d wanted. Maybe her life with Remus, but not the rest.

Sirius

His flat somehow felt more empty when he returned to it.

Almost a week after returning home, Sirius woke up in the morning with a groan, rolling over to find a lump in his bed and groaning again. He rubbed his eyes, wondering why he couldn’t have done himself the decency of kicking the man out the night before.

It was always more awkward the morning after, with his head already aching.

Christmas was in two days, and Sirius Black was a bastard. He’d gone home in a rush, only to get worried call after worried call from the Potters, all begging him to talk to them.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t, because he knew they’d be disappointed. He’d done the opposite of what he should have, he’d kept right on waiting for Remus until he’d gotten him, only for it to be just what he’d feared.

He was a fool, and he couldn’t face that. He couldn’t face their sympathy either. He didn’t deserve it.

Sirius got up from bed, and he left the lump in his bed to deal with later. Throwing on a random robe, he wrapped himself in it and walked to the kitchen, deciding he wanted tea.

Sunlight poured in, and he’d put out a Christmas tree — fake and all white, as colourless as the rest of the place. The interior designer’s work yet again showing through.

Sometimes he felt like he was in some futuristic dystopian movie, living in luxury while others suffered. But maybe that was just reality.

He found a box of cereal and he ate it dry, and then he settled the kettle on for tea. He had just finished pouring it when the figure from his room finally appeared in the doorway.

Red-brown hair, freckles over his chest. He’d put trousers on, but no shirt. His curly hair was in all directions, and Sirius eyed him with his head tilted to the side.

The man’s name escaped him entirely.

“Hello,” Sirius said, “Did you sleep well? When do you think you’ll be leaving?”

The man blinked at him, and then he cracked a smile.

“I slept well. Do you want me to leave?”

“I have plans,” Sirius lied with ease, giving him a smile. “Sorry about that. Last night was plenty nice. Good job on that.”

“Cheers.” The man continued to look amused. “Before I go, could I get an autograph?”

Sirius groaned.

“Not at the moment.”

“Well, I feel like after all that, it’s the least you could do.”

Sirius was about ready to put his head in his hands. He was never drinking again.

“Please,” He said, “I need you to get out.”

“Are you really—”

“Just get out, before I call security on you.”

The man held his hands up.

“Here I thought you were fun.”

He walked off, and Sirius heard the door open and close behind him, and he sighed at the same time the kettle started whistling, and he hopped up to turn it off, filling his tea mug and then setting it off to the side.

He leaned against the counter, looking around at the empty room. Nothing there, no one around. Marlene might come later, but that didn’t change the hole in him.

Weeks of his friends, weeks of true connection, and then back to this — back to quiet. As great as Marlene was, she’d never be on the same levels as all of them. They were two celebrities sharing in loneliness, and as nice as it was, Sirius was tired of being here.

He was tired of the white walls and the random flower assortments the interior designer had put in, all of which had to water every day, just to keep from dying.

Nothing in the place was him, it was simply rich. It was simply a good home for a house tour on one of those youtube channels dedicated to gawking at celebrity life.

It wasn’t real. Nothing about his life here felt real. Sirius was already tired of it, he wanted to go home. But he couldn’t, not with Remus still there.

Perhaps he’d go numb to it again eventually.

Sirius drank his tea, and he sat down at his island counter, and he pulled over his music journal and a pen, clicking it and then beginning to write — pouring everything out as he had been the few days, every bloody feeling he had.

He wasn’t sure he’d ever record a single one, but it was the best he could do in order to work through his feelings.

Sirius ordered pizza and stayed in that night, leaning back on his couch and putting on Love Island. The drama of their love lives distracting from his own, and he’d hoped it would make him feel better.

But it didn’t. As he watched them kiss and fight and makeup and fight again, he found his head spinning with thoughts of the last week.

It came back to him in the quiet, enough so that he thought about calling Marlene over, but she had another one of her visits with Meadowes again — still insisting it was nothing but a hate-fuck.

So he was on his own, and his mind was running wild. He thought of every conversation with Remus, and he thought of Harry — sitting at home with just his parents, having lost his chance at a Christmas with everyone together.

Maybe Sirius had been wrong. Remus might be a coward, but he was one too. He was a coward for running when he’d made a promise to Harry.

He groaned, letting his head fall back, and stared up at the ceiling. He felt like he could start screaming, but he forced it down. He picked up another slice of pizza, eating rather than thinking.

The pizza was good, at least. And getting takeaway meant he didn’t have to talk to many people, secluded to his flat. He had barely been out — beyond his nightly club-visits — since getting back.

He heard his phone buzz, looking over in time to see Remus’ name. Another call, and like the last few times, it cut off before Sirius could even think about answering, as if Remus had immediately thought better of calling.

Sirius didn’t know what Remus was thinking. He didn’t know what he’d done. He hadn’t talked with the Potters and he hadn’t talked with anyone else. He was afraid to answer the phone and find out Remus was trying to get back with Tonks, asking Sirius to understand he’d had one slip up.

I was just sad, and I wanted comfort, and you could provide that. It was always going to be me and her. She was always going to be the one I married. Because you’re just a memory, Sirius. A bit of my past, nothing more. It’s time we put this all behind us…

Remus’ voice playing in his head made him sick. Sirius couldn’t take it if he did say something like that. He didn’t know what he was thinking now, why he would even call at all. Maybe he just wanted to feel better.

He wanted Sirius to forgive him, but he would not. He would not let him stitch their wounds up, give Remus the closure he did not deserve. Sirius was bitter and angry, and he was angry with himself more than anything.

He knew Remus, he knew how he worked, and he’d still let himself fall into old habits. He had been a fool, and he’d been an idiot.

And he’d been the reason Remus’ relationship went up in flames. He’d practically begged for it. Every time he remembered the night of the wedding, the few seconds where he’d gotten wine on himself and used it as a chance to taunt Remus — he knew that was what had broken Tonks. He’d felt her watching, and he’d still done it.

Sirius groaned again, and then he picked up his phone. Staring at the last call from Remus, he squeezed his eyes shut, and then he opened the group chat from the wedding, scrolling through until he found the one phone number he didn’t know.

He clicked on it, he hit call.

The phone rang for a couple seconds, and then someone picked up.

“Is this… Sirius Black?”

“Don’t sound so shocked,” Sirius said, wincing, “Tonks?”

There was a pause on the other end.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Well, hello.” Sirius winced, “I— I wanted to apologise to you. I’ve just been… I hope you know that I didn’t actually want to hurt you or anything. And I— I think it was rubbish, the way he went about things.”

“Yeah, I think it was rubbish too.”

“I don’t blame you if you hate me,” Sirius went on, “I mean, I ruined your life.”

“You weren’t the one. It isn’t— it isn’t just you. It was him, everything about him. We would have crashed and burned eventually, you just sped things up.” Tonks sighed. “I had to get out, that’s all. I realised after meeting you that everything I thought was wrong, and that I’d been constantly pushing someone who didn’t want me.”

Sirius nodded, and then he let out a chuckle.

“I remember when we first got together. He would say these things, like the most romantic things you’d ever heard, but if I pushed him on it just a little he’d shut down. Like he’d just get so afraid of it being analysed. I was everything, I was the entirety of his universe and the reason the sun rose in the morning, but god forbidden I call it a relationship. God forbid I say we’re gay. He got better, but the fear was always around. So I just— I want you to know that is how he is.”

“But that’s the thing. He would neve say things like that to me.” Tonks said, and her voice had gone frail. “He never once did. He wouldn’t even say I love you for a long time. Was that ever a problem with you?”

Sirius said nothing, wincing to himself. Perhaps it was different.

“Don’t let it ruin your life.” Sirius said.

“Can I ask why you left?” Tonks asked. “He told me, when I was packing up my things, you left not long after I did.”

“He came to my room, he—” Sirius shook his head, “I guess, I was upset because I’d thought for a second was choosing me. But it was just desperate grasp for comfort after you called things off.”

“He went to you immediately.” Tonks let out a breath. She was quiet for a while, and Sirius could feel her working it all out in her mind. She let out a dry life. “The second I ended things, he ran to you. He didn’t— he didn’t even try to get me to stay. He went to you immediately.”

“I’m sorry.”

“He didn’t even bother running after me. He didn’t even bother calling. Do you know the first call I got from him? Him calmly telling me I should tell him when I planned on moving my things out. He just accepted it. Has he accepted you leaving?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius shook his head. “He’s been calling, but…”

“So the answer is no.” Tonks sniffled. “I feel like such an idiot. I feel like he never liked me at all, and I just kept pushing. I spent so long trying to force us to work when we never did. I’m such a fool.”

“Trust me, I know the feeling.” Sirius said, “I spent years feeling it, but you— you can find someone better. Don’t let him ruin any more days.”

“Right.” Tonks sniffled, “Are you planning on doing that?”

“I plan on doing what I’ve always done. Get up in the morning, keep living, and write a bloody ton of breakup songs about him.”

Tonks laughed, and while it was shaky, it was real.

“I don’t blame you that much,” She said, “I think no matter what happened over December, our relationship was already doomed. And I think it’s better it ended now. You helped me see more clearly. Not that I’m thanking you. My life is still rubbish. I wish I’d never met him.”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, though he didn’t truly agree. He could never make himself regret Remus, or wish he could take that part of his life away. Because it had been so good — between the bad moments, between the arguing and the silence and the suppression — it had been so very good.

“Thanks for the call,” Tonks said, “It’s almost nice, James and Lily haven’t called me. I think they assume I’m angry with everyone. Maybe Remus told them to give me space, but I’d still— it’s nice to not feel like the bad guy.”

“No one thinks that. Trust me, from the text and calls I’ve been getting, both of them are mostly just worried about all of us.”

“They’ve always had too big of hearts.” Tonks sighed. “I’ve got to go now. I’ve been looking for flats. I’m thinking of moving, but I also— I do like this bloody town. I just don’t know if I’m supposed to stay.”

“Don’t let him scare you away. You’ll learn to live with seeing him around. Just trust me here, don’t let him keep you away.”

“Right back at you, Black.”

She hung up, and Sirius dropped his phone from his ear, looking back at the telly, where Love Island was still playing.

He sighed, and then he shook his head.

He couldn’t take his own advice. It was different with him, because he was less afraid of seeing Remus and more afraid of how easily they went right back to their old ways.

He would not let himself fall back into that relationship, he would not let himself be Remus Lupin’s secret anymore. He’d grown too much, he’d gotten so far from that place. He couldn’t risk returning.

Remus

Christmas came, and it snowed. Flurries came down from the sky, dusting the rooftops of houses along the street, and Remus walked all the way to the Potters, making his way across from one side of the village to the other.

When he arrived, he was cold and shivering, but he had hot chocolate waiting for him, and Lily wrapped him in a blanket.

He sat on the couch, with the hot chocolate in hand, and watched Harry dance around the room, holding up presents he’d gotten. Ones from his cousins, ones from his parents.

The tree was lit, the lights glittering golden. The presents were piled underneath, all wrapped in red and gold, ribbons tied perfectly. Remus knew James had done it, he had always been one for the grandeur. His parents had the best Christmases, and Remus had loved every time he’d been allowed to go over.

Now, Harry got a smaller version of that, with less people but just as much love. He tore through the wrapping paper without care for how well they were made — with love, with perfection in mind — but Remus knew he’d look back on this fondly someday.

He was a lucky kid. Even without Sirius around, he was lucky to have such an ideal Christmas.

Lily put on a Christmas playlist, old music. Remus didn’t ask about her only playing the classics, he had a feeling he knew why. She was trying to protect him again, and he wished she wouldn't. He didn’t like it, knowing that they were all tiptoeing around one thing.

Harry picked up another present, this one wrapped differently, the paper covered in stars, without the pristine folding of James’ hands. Remus didn’t need him to read the tag to know who it was from.

“Sirius,” He said loudly, and Harry’s face went from excited to sad. “Let’s see.”

He held himself together well for a five year old. Remus could tell he was still upset about having two people less, but he still managed a smile as he sat down and tore the paper, opening it up to reveal a box within.

When he opened the box, it revealed a tiny footie jersey and a kid’s ball. The jersey was signed by Marlene McKinnon — and Harry looked extremely excited as he held it up.

“Look at that,” James said, before shaking his head. “Sirius really knows how to outshine us all on presents.”

Remus bit his lip, bitterly thinking he’d only gotten the present because he knew McKinnon personally. It was hardly a heartfelt gift, even if Harry was already putting the kid’s jersey on, smiling at them all.

He waddled back over to the present pile, taking another out and then walking over to Remus and handing it over. From James and Lily, Remus smiled at him. He thanked him, and then he opened the present.

When he looked over, Lily was giving him a small smile.

He opened it, and it was a book. Something he’d been looking at in the shop a few days before. Literary fiction, and thick. He smiled at her.

“Cheers.”

“Tonks mentioned you wanted it,” She said carefully, “I thought it would be nice.”

Remus nodded again, and he wished she wouldn’t have said all that. It made him feel guilty again. He wondered what Tonks had done with her present to him. He wondered what Sirius had done for the present he’d gotten him — if he had. Remu had gotten him a present anyway, it was now stuffed away in the cupboard.

“Here.” Harry handed one off to James, and then another to Lily before getting his own.

“You have more presents than us, Harry,” James explained, “So don’t worry about giving us all our presents and focus on opening your own.”

Harry picked out another present, and they opened their own. Lily had gotten a pasta-maker for James, and she’d gotten a new jumper from him.

Harry opened his own presents, and then he picked up another star-wrapped package. Remus watched him look at the tag, and then without a word, walked over to him, holding the package out.

He smiled at Remus, and Remus made himself smile back, taking the package. It felt heavy.

He looked at Lily and James, both of whom were frowning at the package. Lily sighed.

“I didn’t realise…”

“It’s fine. It’s here,” Remus said, “I guess he forgot about it.”

He ripped the present open, finding another box, lifting the top to stare in at a layer of tissue paper. As he pushed it away, he looked down at a pair of new boots.

Brown, leather and heavy-duty like his last pair. He took them out, looking at the size and finding they would fit. He shook his head, wondering how much money Sirius had spent on them.

He felt his throat closing up, suddenly close to tears. He set the boots down, and he didn’t look at James or Lily.

He felt a hand on his knee, and looked up to see Harry giving him a sad look too.

“I miss him too,” Harry said, “But mummy said he’ll come back.”

He smiled, and Remus smiled back, despite the gnawing in his chest. He nodded.

“You’re right, Harry. I’m sure he’s missing us too right now. Especially you,”

Harry smiled, and he turned to get more presents as Remus wiped his eyes, looking at the boots and resisting a groan.

The bastard. He didn’t know why he had to go out of his way to do things like this. It made everything worse, and Remus couldn’t bear it.

He couldn’t bear it. He would not bear it.

They had Christmas dinner together too, something they spent much of the day making. Remus helped the best he could, and Harry even pitched in to mix a couple things under Lily’s watch.

When they were done, they had a roast on the table and a good amount of mash. Remus ate what he could, and he smiled along with their conversations, but his thoughts were elsewhere.

His numbness of the past few days was leaving him all at once, as if the boots had struck something in him, awoken the pain he’d been fighting back.

Sirius had to go and do something kind, something that went right to his core. The boots had been bought before everything, and no doubt he had just forgotten them here, but it still didn’t change what it felt like.

He’d known Remus needed new boots, and he’d gotten them for him. Remus didn’t know if he could wear them now. He didn’t know if he could keep them. Surely Sirius would want them back.

He felt guilty too, because if Sirius had left the present here, then Remus should be giving him a present too — something decent as what he’d gotten.

A week of attempting to put it behind him, a week of going through life without thinking about anything beyond the next day, and all at once the spell had been broken.

Sirius’ present was a sharp reminder of what life he lived. The four years with Tonks were done, and still he’d dragged his feet through all of it. He’d dragged his feet with Sirius too, stayed in paralysis. He’d let him leave seven years ago, and then done the same thing now.

Sirius had wanted him to fight, and he’d never fought. He hadn’t been brave enough to end things with Tonks, and when Sirius had left he hadn’t been brave enough to do more than send half-hearted calls and hanging up before anyone could answer.

Sirius wanted him to fight. Sirius wanted him to choose him, and Remus had been doing what he always did. Brooding and being a coward. As if he couldn’t get what he wanted. He knew how, he’d been told how.

All it took was a bit of grovelling, a bit of bravery, and he’d have what he wanted. Just one leap of faith to show he could do this. He would prove that he wasn't the eighteen year old he’d once been, who had constantly hidden from view. Nor the man he’d been a week ago who had been scared to wreck his life over feelings he’d thought he’d buried.

“Can you pass the salt, Remus?” Lily asked. With a grimace, drawn from his thoughts, Remus handed it off. He caught the way she was watching him, the line between her brows.

“What’s wrong now?” James asked. “Is it…”

He looked back towards the doorway to the sitting room, where the box still was. Remus shook his head.

“Nothing is wrong. I’m just working things out. I think— I think I need to do something. I’ve just been sitting here the past few days. I think—”

“Do you really think that’s a good idea? Let things cool off,” Lily reached for his hand, and Remus shook his head.

“I need to. I need to. I’m done thinking about the smartest thing to do, or being sensible. I don’t get anywhere being sensible. It’s— I can’t lose him again. I already lost him, but I can’t— I can’t take that.”

Lily pressed her lips together, shooting a look at James. He shrugged back.

“Whatever you think, Remus. But if you make things worse…”

“How could it get worse?” Remus asked, watching them both go quiet again. He shook his head. “I should have done something earlier. I shouldn’t have let him leave at all. It’s my fault, all of this. But I’ll make the leap. I’ll fix things.”

Lily sighed.

“Alright, Remus.”

He nodded back. They didn’t believe him yet, but he knew. He was going to fix this.

He got a train ticket for the next day, bringing nothing with him but the clothes on his back and his wallet and sitting in the far back. He didn’t relax for the entire ride, knee bouncing as he watched the fields go by from the window.

Everything was white, covered in a layer of snow. The sky was white too, overcast. The post-christmas lull was palpable, the train mostly empty.

He stayed wrapped in his coat the entire ride, and he waited. It somehow took forever and no time for the terrain to change, for the buildings to sprout up, and for Remus to look out and see the skyline of London.

They rode in, and he stayed still until the train was stopping in King’s Cross, and the conductor was telling them they’d reached their destination.

Midday by then, and Remus got up and walked off, stepping out into the hustle and bustle. He’d asked James for Sirius’ address, and after a couple worried looks, he’d gotten it.

This was a good plan, though. Remus was sure this was a good plan. And even if it wasn’t, he was desperate. Looking at those shoes had cemented in him the need to keep Sirius from leaving.

Begging, pleading, anything it took. He just wanted to keep talking — once every year, once every two years. He’d had the thought before, but it was louder now.

He’d taken Sirius’ departure as final doorslam before, but now he refused it. He refused to let this be the end, because he was not ready for it. He had not fought enough seven years ago — he’d called things off because he’d feared the struggle — he would not do that now.

Remus opened the map on his phone, tying in Sirius’ address and then starting on his way, walking through the streets as he passed by the crowds of people.

The snow on the side of the road was muddied, and the people who passed were wearing christmas colours, faces flushed from the chill as they kept their hands warm in mittens and wore scarves wrapped to their noses.

The storefronts were still decorated for the season, with trees taking centre stage in the windows, and fake snow dusted over the display tables.

Holiday sales were advertised wherever he looked, and Remus ignored the hustle of it all, the people with their bags hurrying from shop to shop. He pushed through, and he walked on towards the dot on the map — Sirius’ location.

The walk took ten minutes. Remus was surprised how short it was. He’d assumed he’d need an Uber, but he got there in only a little time, stopping beneath the modernist-nightmare that was Sirius’ flat building.

As he threw the door open, he stepped in to find the front lobby manicured and mostly vacant, a Christmas tree to one side and a woman behind the reception desk.

The floors were shiny, and large windows let in as much light as they could. Remus made his way to the elevators, clicking the topmost button and watching the doors shut.

He wasn’t sure if this would work. He’d never been to a penthouse before, but he hoped anyway, watching the door close and then feeling as the elevator rose.

The elevator was clean too, smelling like chemicals. He tapped his foot as the floors went up, watching and waiting until finally a ding sounded, and the doors opened into a tiny lobby, with barely more than a trash shoot and two doors, two separate penthouses on either side.

Remus walked to the door, pausing as he stood there. With a deep breath, he closed his eyes.

This is what he had to do. This was his only chance.

Steeling himself, Remus knocked.

Chapter Text

Sirius

Someone was banging on Sirius’ door. It was late, the sun having set and the sky a sheet of black unbroken, clouds covering the stars. He hadn’t been waiting for anyone.

Groaning, he stood, wondering what Marlene had gotten herself into. It was the only explanation, a fight with Meadowes leaving her rearing to go — looking for him to sit and nod as she ranted for a half an hour.

At least her problems were easier to handle than his own. He could bask in the simplicity, the simple act of hating someone she also seemed to fancy quite a lot — though she’d thrash him if he ever said that to her face.

Sirius rubbed his face, in a pair of plain joggers and a dark jumper. He had spent another day inside. The first couple days after getting back, he’d been running from being alone — going out just to escape it — but now he basked in it. He felt too tired for anything fun-adjacent anyway.

Christmas had been lonely. He’d sat there on his own, Marlene back with her family, and watched old re-runs of movies. He had missed James and Lily and Harry — Remus too, but he wouldn’t admit that.

The banging paused as he neared the door, and then picked up again. Sirius groaned, wondering what had gotten Marlene so riled up. Even Meadowes wouldn’t have her this angry, at least not angry enough that she’d forget to text him she was coming around.

Sirius threw the door open.

“Really, McKinnon. Next time just—”

He froze, the sentence dying in his throat. He stared at the figure before him, suddenly very aware of how plain he seemed — how sadly his hair fell flat against his head. He hadn’t even showered that morning.

Remus stared back at him. For his part, his eyes had widened upon the door opening as if he hadn’t expected this. Breathless, in his jacket but without a hat or gloves or anything else. Not even a bag over his shoulder.

Dark circles were under his eyes, and he looked like rubbish. Sirius was almost glad he looked like rubbish too. Remus was breathless like he’d been running and pale like he hadn’t done much more than stress in the past week.

And he was there. At his doorstep, the day after Christmas. Remus straightened himself, letting his hand drop from where it had been hovering as if to knock again.

Remus cleared his throat, and Sirius let out a breath.

“What the fuck?” He said, “Why are you here?”

“I made a mistake seven years ago,” Remus paused, his words shaking, as he straightened up. He seemed to be steeling himself, holding Sirius’ gaze.

His look was wild, desperate as his eyes pleaded.

“I was afraid, and so I ended things before they got hard. Because I didn’t want to deal with dating someone in the spotlight. And I have always been afraid of being seen, but you— I realised you’re worth it.”

Sirius shook his head. He didn’t understand what was happening, but Remus was still going — talking like he’d rehearsed this. Like it was a script from a movie Sirius had yet to watch.

“I have regretted it every day since. I was— I tried so hard with Tonks, but it was always you. I denied it, I tried to rationalise it, but ever since you came back into my life it’s undeniable. You’re the only thing I want. You’re everything, Sirius, and I’ll fight for you. I should have done it sooner, I shouldn’t have let my fear get in the way, but I’m here now.”

He stalled again, taking another breath. His words were coming fast, so fast Sirius had a hard time keeping up. He seemed to need a second to steady himself.

“That’s why I’m here. Because— Because I want to prove it. I will— I will fight for you. I’ll do whatever it takes, Sirius. No matter how hard it is. I’m not going to let you get away because of my own fear. I want you. I don’t care if that means dealing with the celebrity, and I’m not afraid of you being a man either. Not like when we were kids.”

He waited, and Sirius took it in. He stepped back, crossing his arms, as he thought over everything. Remus’ eyes were still pleading with him, as he hovered in the doorway waiting for the ultimatum.

Sirius sighed.

“Come in.” He said, nodding into the flat. “We should sit down.”

Remus nodded quickly, giving him a smile Sirius didn’t return. As he stepped into the entryway — an open area, leading right into the kitchen — he took off his shoes without asking, but he left his coat on.

Sirius led him into the sitting room, and he watched Remus take everything in. He had thoughts — Sirius could see it — but he didn’t say them. Perhaps he knew better, this was not the time for banter or light-hearted insults.

Sirius sat on the couch, leaning back and not looking at Remus. He sat down on the other side, turned towards him but giving Sirius space.

The couch was as white as the rest of the place, the sky outside black and thus their only light coming from the chandelier above. It was white too, draining colour from the room. Everything was sterile save Remus and his browns, honey hair and tan coat, his cheeks flushed.

He was out of place. He was too alive for all this.

“What are you thinking?” Remus asked, and his voice was quiet. “I said my part. I’ll beg if you want me to, honestly. Whatever will make things better. Whatever can make it up to you, I’ll do it.”

“I don’t want you to beg, Remus.” Sirius played with the sleeve of his jumper, pulling at a thread rather than staring back up at Remus’ eyes.

Finally, he inched closer, until they were beside each other on the couch. Still, he did not look up. He could feel Remus tensing at his closeness.

“Do you know what it felt like back then?” Sirius asked, “I’ve obviously— In the years since, I’ve made sense of it. I know it was never about me, it was about you. Rationally, anyway, I know the fears weren’t because I wasn’t enough. But that’s what it felt like. It felt like I spent all this time chasing you.”

“I’m sorry, truly. I don’t think I could ever—”

Sirius held up a hand, forcing him to cut off.

“You always had the control. It was always on your terms. If we took it slow, if we were a couple, when we could hold hands. Always up to you and your terms, and I waited, and I hoped. When we broke up it was on your terms too, because you decided it was over. And yeah, I understand why but it was frustrating.”

“It can be on your terms now, Sirius. Whatever you want from me, I’ll be it. If you want to stay friends, if you want… just please don’t make me leave. Please— I can’t—”

Remus’ voice shook again, and turned even more towards Sirius, drawing closer. When Sirius looked up, he saw that his eyes had begun to shine.

“I can’t lose you again. I won’t survive it.”

“I don’t know what I want from you. I can’t— I can’t give you what you want, though.” Sirius pulled back slightly, staring around the room. “Seven years trying to— to shove down all the hurt, but it’s still there. And then there’s— you were engaged a week ago, Remus.”

Remus ducked his head, staring at his palms as if ashamed.

“I should have called it off earlier.”

“I—” Sirius shook his head. “This doesn’t fix everything. One big gesture, one moment of bravery, doesn’t change the pattern. I can’t trust you. I can’t trust that you’ll actually stand by me and not run off again. You spent years with her, slowly moulding yourself to fit her dreams for the future.”

Remus took a shuddering breath, as if each word pained him a little more. Sirius felt bad for it, but he had to keep going.

He leaned closer, waiting for Remus to catch his eyes and holding it there. He raised his eyebrows.

“What do you want, Remus?”

“I want you.” Remus insisted, “I only ever wanted you. Back then, now, all those years in between. But I was too afraid to have you. Even last week I thought it would ruin everything. But I know that now, I want you.”

Sirius shook his head.

“That’s not enough. I won’t be the thing you cling to now that you lost her. You need to be brave enough to figure out who you are and what you want outside of me.”

Remus ducked his head again, and Sirius reached out to put a hand on his knee.

“Stay. I have a guest room. You can stay there for however long you can. If you want to stay the week, until the holidays are over, you’re free too. You want me?”

Remus nodded again.

“That this process is going to be slow. Not a big gesture, not a blink and everything’s better. I want to feel that you’ve changed. I want proof, Remus. Proof you won’t run again. I want time.”

“Whatever you need,” Remus promised, and then he reached out, gently as he could possibly, to put his hand over Sirius’, the light but warm pressure.

Sirius closed his eyes, struck with a deep pain. It was taking all his will not to fall into Remus.

“Have you eaten yet?” Sirius asked, and his voice was hoarse. He opened his eyes to find Remus shaking his head. His eyes were intent on him, taking in his expression.

Sirius knew how well they could read each other, he knew Remus could tell what he was thinking. But he did not lean in, he did not go against his wishes, and Sirius was thankful for that.

Remus shook his head.

“No…” He cleared his own throat. “I came right here. Spent most of my time on the train, and then…”

“I’ll order takeaway,” Sirius nodded, standing up. “We can find something to watch. Stay here for now.”

He gave Remus a look, and he smiled back — the smile weak and uneven but still present. He looked hopeful, his eyes still shimmering.

Sirius smiled back, and then he took out his phone, dialling the number for the nearby pizzeria.

“This place is nothing like I thought.” Remus told him the next day, after the awkwardness had begun to ebb. His hair was plastered to one side of his face from sleep. He’d woken up early, already sitting in the kitchen when Sirius got up.

Sirius was making them both tea, along with toast. Tea and toast, a good enough breakfast.

“I always assumed it would be a little more rock’n’roll,” Remus went on, “You don’t even have any proper guitars on the walls, or big posters of your own face.”

“Oi,” Sirius frowned at him, and he watched Remus give him a small smile.

“You would put up a picture of yourself, don’t pretend. And that’s not even the point. Everything’s so clean. It’s like I stepped into a sci-fi movie.”

“I know,” Sirius groaned, “I forgot how bad it was before coming back. I think I just went numb to it after a while. I brought in an interior designer, because that’s what everyone else does, and I said do whatever you want just don’t make it black. I should have done more. At the time I was just excited to have my own place, anything felt amazing.”

The toast finished, popping out from the toaster. Sirius got it onto a plate, immediately heading to the fridge to get out the jam.

“You don’t have too—” Remus began, but Sirius shot him a look. Using a knife, he began to load the jam on.

“You still like it with jam and butter?”

He wrinkled his nose when Remus nodded.

“I don’t get you. How do you eat so much like a uni student even three years out?”

“Oh, and what do you do? Eat escargot all day? Go out to five-star restaurants?”

“The five-star restaurants I go to do not have french food.” Sirius said, “I don’t want to go anywhere near French cuisine, not after my mother spent my childhood shoving it down my throat.”

Remus held up his hands.

“Alright. Non-french five-star meals. With nine different courses.”

“I’ve never had a nine-course meal,” Sirius said, “And I get takeaway most of the time, and then I tell them to leave it at the door without answering.”

He grinned, finishing Remus’ toast and pushing it over to him. As the kettle started to whistle, he poured the tea too, doing everything just as he had when they were kids.

Remus thanked him when he pushed the mug over, taking the spot beside him at the island.

“I think I’ll move,” Sirius admitted, “I don’t like this place, and I don’t like how big everything is. It felt open when I moved in, which I liked, but sometimes now it just feels… isolating. Like I’m made smaller by the size, and made lonlier by the emptiness.”

Remus shrugged.

“I just think you need to get a couple guitars. Hire another interior-designer to do it over, but this time try and have more opinions. You need some pops of colour, at the very least.”

“I wish it was older. Like the manor for the wedding. That place felt like somewhere I could live.”

“A castle?” Remus snorted. “God, of course that’s where your head goes to immediately. But actually, I’m thinking about moving too. Tonks let me keep the flat, but it feels wrong. And— I want a fresh start anyway, not a place half-owned by her.”

“Well, you could look into the castle. You’d be close enough to drive to work everyday.”

“If I had a car,” Remus snorted, and then made a face. “I have so much I have to figure out, don’t I? Coming here was a bit… impulsive.”

“Already regretting it?” Sirius said dryly, watching Remus’ eyes widen. He shook his head.

“No. I would have— I needed to talk to you. I just feel like I wasn’t actually thinking anything through. I just knew I needed to— to see you.”

He winced, shaking his head.

“I don’t know if I’m making sense. I don’t even know if it all makes sense to me. You’re the only thing— you’re the only thing in life I’m sure of, lately.”

“Question then,” Sirius took a bite of his toast, before turning towards Remus fulled, leaning forward, arm propping him up against the counter. “What do you want for a place? If you could have anything, any kind of home, what would you want?”

“Room for my books,” Remus frowned, “Good lighting, maybe a place where I could sit outside. And—” He paused, “Maybe a studio for you.”

Sirius cracked a smile.

“I don’t record in my house,” He said, “But it’s a nice try.”

He patted Remus on the arm.

“What about you?” Remus asked. “You’re dream home?”

“Well, to start,” Sirius frowned, “I want one of those beds that vibrates. And yes, you’re right, a picture of me. Maybe two, in the entryway for everyone who comes in to see. Mirror over the bed, so I can look at myself…”

Remus snorted.

“Honestly,” He repeated, “Besides that, what do you want? It can’t all be about sex.”

“In my life it can,” Sirius winked, tilting his head back. When Remus went quiet, though, he did think about it. He shook his head.

“I want it to be alive. I want— I want something warmer. More wood, maybe. Maybe an exposed brick wall or two. Comfy couches, the kind you fall into, not the hard modern ones this place is filled with. And then I’d like a whole lot of windows, big windows. I want the place to be filled with light. Is that better?”

He raised an eyebrow at Remus, who inclined his head.

“I can get behind that dream,” He said, and then he took a drink of his tea, staring around.

“You know what else I’ve decided I want?” He shot Sirius a smirk, “A dog.”

“Well, that’s certainly a start. You’ll have a whole future planned out soon.”

Remus shook his head.

“I don’t think I’m all that interested in the future. Maybe Tonks was, but I— I think I like right now. I like trying to make the present worth it. And maybe my life is alright as is.”

Sirius nodded back.

“That’s good too.” He said, and then he ate the rest of his toast. “Now, what to do today? And how long are you staying?”

Remus shrugged back.

The days with Remus around were good. Tentative as they remained around each other, it was still nice — like something healed each day, sitting in the lounge and watching movies or standing by the windows.

The first few days they just talked, staying inside. Sirius didn’t want to leave the house much, and he didn’t want to risk having pictures taken — Remus being spotted hovering near him so soon was sure to throw a wrench in his bravery.

But three days in, Sirius finally took him to his studio, after Remus commented again about how much he wanted to see it. Wrapping themselves in coats, they set off into London.

Sirius had another hat on, hair tucked into it. He kept his eyes down, avoiding the looks of people passing by. Remus with him, he was sure it would be fine, winding their way through crowds.

“You always wanted to live in the city,” Remus mused, looking up at the buildings around them. None were skyscrapers, most shops with stories of flats above them.

The streets were growing nicer, though, leaving behind the older buildings and onto sleeker, richer places. They didn’t have much of a walk left.

“I know,” Sirius sighed, “And I do, even if I have my days, love this place. I love the noise, I love the liveliness. I just wish I could get as close to it all as I used to. Most of the time I’m the attraction, not the one watching it.”

“There has to be some kind of show you could sneak into.” Remus said, looking around. “We’ll find one. And I’ll get you a wig.”

He smirked his way, and as Sirius rolled his eyes, he spotted their location — the recording studio just ahead. A smaller building compared to the ones around it, newer and made of concrete.

He took Remus hand, pulling him along. Remus’ smile got wider when he did, but Sirius pretended not to notice. He was just trying to lead him there, anyway.

Through the door to the studio, Sirius dropped his hand and took off the hat, trying to shake his hair out. He hated it, hated that it never looked quite right after.

As he ran his fingers through it, Remus shook his head.

“You look great.” he said, and Sirius shot him a glare.

“Best behaviour, Lupin.”

Remus’ smile only got wider. Sirius walked forward, giving the woman at the desk a smile.

The entire place looked like it was stuck in the eighties, from the patterned carpet to the orange wood-panelling along the walls. Sirius led Remus through, showing him the different photos on the walls, some of other musicians.

Eventually, he reached an empty room, opening the door and leading Remus in. He showed him the set-up, the recording booth, everything.

“I produce a lot of it myself,” Sirius explained, handing over a pair of headphones, which he turned over on his hands. “It’s not as… intimate as recording in my own space, but the quality here is better.”

“You play all the instruments?” Remus asked, and Sirius gave him another look.

“I didn’t spend years learning just to let someone else do it.” Sirius snarked. “Besides, I like to brag about it. If you watched any of my interviews…”

“Do you want me to watch your interviews?”

“No,” Sirius gave him another smile. “I like getting to tell you about these things. I don’t like the idea of you knowing them without my control. It makes me a bit anxious, actually. All these people who just… know things. Even though I’ve never spoken to them. They have all these opinions too…”

Sirius stared into the booth, at the empty place where he made music. Music he loved, but could also be twisted so easily. His real work was there, his real art was there. It was all people should ever need from him.

Remus reached out, putting a hand on his own.

“I know you, Black. So my opinion is the only one that matters.”

Sirius nodded, and then he smiled again, shooting Remus a look.

“As if you’re not biassed.” He poked him. “You’re biassed worse than they are.

On New Year's Eve, Remus showed him a pair of tickets to some underground concert, giving Sirius a wide grin.

“It’s tonight, leading up to the ball drop. The place is small. A personal venue, you can just watch.”

“Surrounded by people?”

“Wear a disguise.” Remus said, “Or better yet, I’ll protect you. They’ll get through me.”

Sirius eyed him up and down, taking in his whole book-ish figure. He leaned his head back.

He knew Remus would be leaving the next day — forced to go back to teaching soon after — and so he had to say yes. With a sigh, with a breath, he knew he had no choice.

Because if this was their last real night together before things went back to normal — or as normal as they could be — he would make it last.

“Fine,” he took the tickets, looking at them. He didn’t recognise the band, something about The Order of the Phoenix. “Weird name.”

“It doesn’t need to be good,” Remus smiled, “It just needs to be loud. It’s about the atmosphere, isn’t it?”

Sirius smiled back, he nodded.

He wouldn’t say it, not wanting to sound overly sentimental, but he thought it would be good no matter what — because he was going out, and he was going out with Remus.

Sirius’ disguise ended up being dark eye makeup, tying his hair up, and a fish-net style top, along with tight pants. He could feel Remus staring at him when he walked out — having barely dressed up himself, in his usual jumper and jeans — and it made Sirius smirk to himself.

He decided to walk around Remus, to get water out, to take a swig all while not meeting his eyes. Leaning against the counter.

When he looked over, Remus had gone slightly red.

“Ready to go?”

“Am I?” Remus blinked, “Uh, yeah, sure.”

Sirius smirked.

“I should start dressing like this more often.” He sighed, “If I’d showed up to the wedding in this, how fast do you think I’d have sped things up?”

Remus groaned, and Sirius snickered as he watched him make a face.

“I don’t even want to think about that. I wouldn’t ruin anything for Lily.”

Sirius shrugged, and then shot him a wink over his shoulder.

“Good behaviour tonight, Lupin. Remember, you have to wait.”

They walked out, making their way through the street as Sirius wrapped his jacket around himself, ducking his head to avoid eyes.

He wasn't sure his disguise was a disguise at all, but at the very least he’d done his hair differently.

They made it to the place, and Remus gave their tickets before they were herded in, finding a tiny club overflowing with people, the stage at the front being set up.

Remus kept close thim, and Sirius did his best to avoid eye contact with the people around them.

“Don’t worry too much,” Remus said, “No one will notice, there’s too many people around. We’ll hide in the noise of it.”

Sirius nodded, before shooting him a smile.

“There are more important celebrities around tonight anyway. The Order of the Phoenix.” He looked around again, just as he saw figures heading up onto the stage, getting seated. One on the drums, one singing with a guitar, and one on the bass.

“Should we get drinks?” Remus asked, before seeming to make his mind up, “I’ll get drinks.”

He left Sirius, who watched the people pick up their instruments. They were relatively plain looking, the singer a woman with short, spiked brown hair. She was in a denim jacket in the same shade as her pants. Behind her, a man in a plaid shirt was beginning to tap the drums, his hair a sandy blond.

The third of the groups was a slim, dark skinned man with his hair in braids, wearing a led-zeppelin t-shirt and a pair of ripped jeans.

They began tuning their instruments, and more people crowded in. With Remus still gone, Sirius caught someone giving him a double-take, slipping deeper into the crowds before he was noticed.

He continued to back up, unsure where he was going, until he bumped into someone.

Turning, he found Remus giving him a quizzical look, all the tension leaving him at once.

Remus held up a drink.

“Let’s get this night started,” He smiled.

The band was good, the guitar dirty and the singer with a gravel to her voice. She’d introduced herself as Alice to the crowd, her husband Frank on the drums and Benjy taking the bass.

They knew how to keep the crowd going too, playing them off into the new year. Sirius was impressed, and drunk off the energy as much as the alcohol, leaning into Remus more the longer the night went on, sharing smiles.

“You’re brilliant!” He whispered at the end of it, “This is the idea you’ve ever had.”

“I think there’s a couple better ones,” Remus admitted, but he went pink anyway, and Sirius poked his cheek.

“I disagree. We’ll have to do this again next New Year’s Eve. Maybe we’ll bring the others. Or we’ll, I don’t know…”

He shook his head.

“It’s going to be weird when you leave. I’ll be alone again. I’ve barely— I’ve barely even seen Marlene.”

“You’ll survive.” Remus said, “And you can do this on your own. Besides, we can still talk, can’t we? I don’t know—” he went quiet for a second. “When I go back home, what will that mean?”

Sirius paused, thinking it over.

“It means you sorting your shite out,” He began, “And… us sorting our shite out. We still need to figure everything out before we…”

The thought was sobering, but it was true. He heard Remus sigh, but he didn’t disagree. He leaned his head onto Sirius’ shoulder, the song finished up front.

“Alice smiled.”

“We’ve got only a minute left until the New Year!” She announced. “Let’s play this year off!”

The next song was all instrumental, and all hopeful. As her fingers moved on the guitar, a screen lit up beside the stage, showing the count-down.

Drawing closer, Sirius watched the people around him begin to chant. He whispered the seconds down with them.

10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…0!

People leaned together, meeting the lips of whoever they were closer to. Sirius looked up at Remus. He was already staring back, and Sirius smiled at him, watching Remus’ eyes go to his lips.

“Next year,” Sirius promised, “Maybe. If we do everything right. If you can sort everything out like I said. Then next year, Remus. We’ll do this the right way.”

Remus nodded.

“I can wait that long,” He said, and he wrapped his arms around Sirius, holding him for a little longer.

Someone had spotted Sirius. He found out when he woke up in the morning, groaning as his phone buzzed. He checked to find a bunch of texts from Marlene congratulating him on the new catch.

Sirius disliked the comment and then proceeded to do something ill-advised, and checked the trending page of twitter.

He found the photo almost immediately, clicking and then staring at the image of him. It wasn’t as bad as it could be, just him and Remus talking together, as Remus handed him his cup.

Just enough to know they were there together, but they could easily just be friends. It wasn’t the photo of them hugging, or catching them in a longing look.

It could be worse.

Sirius still wanted to roll over and never get up. This was exactly what he’d feared, exactly what he’d worried would happen if he took Remus out.

And now he had to tell him, if he didn’t already know.

Sirius got up, throwing on his robe, and walked out to the kitchen. He found Remus waiting at the counter, as he always did. He gave him a smile.

Sirius barely returned it.

“People saw us last night,” He said, and avoided Remus’ eyes. “There are pictures. I’m sorry— maybe I should have put my foot down about going out. I should have done a proper disguise like you’d said. I was just— I was happy to go out but I wasn't smart…”

“Sirius—”

He looked up to find Remus giving him a look.

“I saw that. I’m not upset. I said before that I was going to face it head on. This is what it means, being with you, being close with you. I’ll handle it.”

“Really?” Sirius eyed him, and he watched Remus incline his head.

“I want you. I want everything that comes with you. I’ll take the cameras and the eyes and everything in between. I’ll take the questions too.”

Sirius nodded, staring down at the counter for a second. He had expected a lot of things, but not this. Out of all the things Remus had said so far, the idea of him being alright with the fame had felt the most like a lie.

But here was, still giving him a smile, and Sirius smiled back, wiping his face.

“Okay then,” He said, “Well, let’s get you breakfast before you go. I guess… that’s at least one less thing to have to worry about. One point to you.”

Remus snorted, and Sirius reached for the bread, getting ready to make them more toast. He felt lighter all of a sudden. If he’d been hopeful before, now it felt more solid — the reality of Remus and him becoming more and more likely.

Remus

Home was strange to go back to. After days spent in Sirius’ world, the place felt smaller. Remus noticed every empty space where Tonk’s things had once been, all the vacancies. It was quiet. As he stepped back through the door he found too much room for him to think.

The sun had set, the sky dark outside. Remus turned on the lights of his tree, not caring if perhaps it was time to put it away until next Christmas season. He sat down on the couch, staring at the warm yellow lights and the bag of presents he’d brought back from the Potter’s cottage.

He should call them. He hadn’t once since he’d rushed off to see Sirius. He’d let Sirius do the talking, afraid of either of the two telling him off. He didn’t want to be sensible about these things.

And now he was back, with a weight off his shoulders but a new responsibility.

He’d promised Sirius he’d figure himself out — Figure out what he wanted outside of relationships and outside of the life Tonks had been building. He owed it to Sirius, after what he’d put him through.

He owed it to himself too.

Remus closed his eyes, letting his head fall back to rest on the back of the couch.

School would start again in a few days, and he had work to get caught up on. Everything was crashing back down, along with the empty knowledge that he wasn’t going to see Sirius for a while.

He’d go at this alone. And when they did meet again, and Remus was sure they would, he’d show him just how much he’d improved. He had a chance, and so even with the quiet all around him — the suffocation of a home he had never been less pleased to return to — he would suffer through.

He would do this.

With a groan, Remus took his phone out. After a few taps, he placed it to his ear, listening to the sound of the dial tone. He watched his Christmas tree, hearing when someone picked up on the other end.

“You’re back?”

Remus sighed.

“I am. I just got back. My house is quiet.”

Lily let out a sigh of her own.

“You could come over. It might be easier to talk here. Sirius— He said you too weren’t getting back together.”

“I think I need to be single for a while,” Remus admitted, “Well, Sirius thinks so, but he’s right. I shouldn’t just jump from one person to the other. I need to get my life in order.”

“That is smart,” Lily laughed, “Who would have thought Sirius Black would do anything sensible.”

“He’s got his moments.”

“I saw that… picture of you too.” Lily went on, “Are you alright with it?”

“I don’t have social media. I don’t know what people are saying. But I—” Remus swallowed. Despite the slight unease over it all, the true fear was gone. “I’ll be able to handle it. Being with him makes it all worth it.”

Lily was quiet for a second. He wondered what she was thinking. He heard her sigh again.

“You should talk to Tonks. I’m sure the picture made her feel more upset. It’ll seem like you ran right to him.”

“I did run right to him.” Remus whispered, closing his eyes. His throat hurt. “The second things were over. It made everything so much worse. She— I doubt she’d want to talk to me.”

“Alright then. You might want to try. You really should take some time for yourself. I know Siruis already told you so, but— This thing with Tonks is not going to go away. You were engaged. You spent four years with her and it seems like…”

“Like I was just following the script she’d given me?” Remus shook his head. He was still staring at his tree. The more he looked at it, the more he realised how many of the ornaments were Tonks’, bought by her for them both. She hadn’t taken any of them.

She hadn’t taken a lot of things, despite being on the one to pick them out. Remus had only nodded along to the purchases, agreeing with whatever she wanted.

“I think I’m going to talk to someone,” Remus cleared his throat, “I mean… it might help. It might help put things in perspective.”

“I think that’s a good idea, Remus.”

“Yeah. I feel like a bastard after all this.”

“A bit of one, yeah.”

“I didn’t ruin your wedding did I? Or your Christmas?”

Lily was quiet.

“My wedding was great. It was everything I wanted. Christmas was alright too. We’ll have more, even if Harry is still heartbroken. Don’t beat yourself up too much over that. You’ve done worse in the past few weeks.”

Remus cracked a smile, one that was bitterly humorous.

“You’re right. I love you, you know. You’re an angel, Lily.”

“No, I’m just the sensible one out of all of us. I have to go now, Harry wants help reading.”

“Understandable. Go spend time with your kid. Thanks for talking with me.”

“Thank you for calling.” Lily said, and then she hung up.

Remus dropped his phone down, letting out another groan, and then got up to find something to eat, deciding he could start working on himself the next morning.

“Did you have fun in London?”

A few days later, as kids poured into class, Remus watched as Erin — who was already wearing a telling grin — leaned toward him from the table she was seated.

Remus gave her a dry smile back. He’d expected this, but he still had to resist a groan. He guessed this was another thing to get used to, it would only get worse the closer he and Sirius got.

“I did. I didn’t spend long there, just a couple days after Christmas.”

“You told us you were friends with him, but I didn’t honestly believe it until the picture,” Eleanor added in, giving him a frown like he’d hurt her feelings. “You know people on the internet think you’re…”

She went red, and then Erin whispered something at her before looking directly at Remus.

“They think you’re shagging.”

“Let’s not talk about that in the classroom, especially—” Remus stuttered over his words for a second, “My personal life is my personal life.”

Eleanor sighed, while Erin raised an eyebrow.

“That’s not a no.”

“I’m not going to answer your questions,” Remus shook his head, “They’re inappropriate. Let’s find something else to talk about before I have to get the headmaster involved.”

She pouted, and Remus leaned back on his desk. As he did, he noticed how many other students were watching him, some whispering to each other. The entire school must know.

Remus just hoped the headmaster wouldn’t be talking to him. He didn’t need a lecture about responsibilities, it was — as he’d told Eleanor — his personal life. Still, Sirius was famous, and pictures of them together might be scandalous.

Shaking off the fears, Remus reminded himself this is what he wanted. This was the first step to his future. He was being brave.

Life took on a pattern, and slowly but surely time passed. Remus found a new place, a one-bedroom flat which was closer to the Potter’s home. He packed his things and moved in early February, holding a tiny house-warming party.

James and Lily came with Harry in tow. Just the four of them, as Remus cooked and they made the place feel like a home, small enough that the empty spaces no longer felt so empty.

He began therapy, which turned out to be quite a bit of help too. Even if it terrified him. The first couple meetings — happening between the months of January and February — he found himself sitting in near-silencing, struggling with the wall that kept him from saying anything at all.

Once it started breaking down, though, things got better. He felt lighter than he had in years. It was shameful to admit, but he was happier without Tonks. He hadn’t realised how much he dreaded the life she wanted until he was free from it — no longer worrying about weddings, no longer stressing about children.

The weight of expectation was gone. He took up journaling and he bought a couple plants which he did his best to keep alive. It felt good to have something to take care of.

He wished he could see Sirius more, but he was busy. They called sometimes, sharing short conversations — small anecdotes about their life.

As spring came, and the weekly meetings with his therapist became monthly thanks to his improvement, Remus got home late after dinner with the Potter’s, leaning back on the couch and calling Sirius up.

He picked up immediately, and Remus fought a smile.

“How’re you?” Remus asked, lying back on the couch and staring at the ceiling. He put the phone on speaker, lying it down beside him.

“Pretty good,” Sirius’ voice came from the other end, “I spent all day recording. This album is going to be the death of me, but at least I know it’ll be successful. It might catch the internet on fire.”

Remus chuckled, shaking his head.

“What are you doing right now?” He asked, “I’m on my couch. I just got back from dinner with James and Lily. Harry’s got endless energy, I guess that’s what it means to be a kid, but I’m about ready to sleep.”

Sirius laughed.

“He’s got James’ blood alright. I’m in my own bed. I was watching Netflix on my laptop.”

“You have that giant telly, and yet you sit in your room instead, watching off a laptop.”

Sirius scoffed. Remus could imagine him, lying on his bed with his laptop open, phone tucked into his shoulder as he scowled at nothing.

“This is more personal. Besides, there’s nothing fun about theatre-level graphics without anyone to watch with.”

“Fair enough,” Remus smiled, “I wouldn’t know, I’m not rich enough.”

“I could start sending you money,” He heard Sirius shift, “You could be my sugar baby.”

“God no,” Remus groaned, “I’ll hang the phone up. I swear it, Black. I will not be your—” He felt his face heat. “That.”

“So easily scandalised,” Sirius snickered, “I’m trying to picture you right now.”

Remus heard him shifting again.

“Lying back on the couch. Are you watching anything?”

“No, I’m talking with you. The phone’s beside me, on speaker. I’ve got a blue jumper on, and the side-lamp is the only light in the room. Does that help?”

“I kind of wish I was there.” Sirius sighed. “I wish I could actually see this place of yours. Maybe once the album’s out I can visit. Besides that, I feel like I won’t be free again until next Christmas. We’ve already got a tour planned for the album.”

“The life of a celebrity is a busy one,” Remus grinned, “You must be in so much pain.”

“If you were here, Lupin, you’d see I was flipping you off. As it is, I’m currently flipping the phone off.”

Remus laughed.

“I’m glad you picked up. I feel like we barely get to talk. I guess it is all the business. But it’ll get better.”

Sirius sighed again.

“Yeah. Look, I should warn you about the album…”

“I know you wrote about me. You’ve already written about me.”

Sirius let out a breath.

“Just don’t hate what I wrote. Some of it— a lot of it is from when we were talking. Everything I wrote over the entirety of Christmas Holidays.”

“I can survive it. I know how you feel about me now.”

He listened to Sirius shift again, his voice getting louder in the phone.

“I’m glad we talked today too. I feel dead on my feet, by your voice makes me feel better. Even through the phone, it’s grounding.”

Remus bit his lip. He felt like they shouldn’t say things like this to each other, not when they were still walking a fine-line between friendship and something more.

“Sirius,” he swallowed, wondering if this was the right time, “I know— it’s been two months…”

“Let’s wait until the album’s out. Maybe after the tour. I want to— I want to do this right, Remus. I want to do this in person, and have a real proper conversation.”

“Alright,” Remus frowned, not liking the idea of doing things right. Perhaps Sirius was being smart again, though. Two months was nothing in the grand scheme of things.

“Trust me,” Sirius added, “I’d have already turned this phone call into something much dirtier if I wasn’t holding myself back. When I say your voice sounds nice…”

“Don’t give me ideas,” Remus said,and then he cracked his own smile. “I’ll find time to see you. If that means heading out over Easter…”

“I don’t think I’ll be available,” Sirius groaned again, “but sure, we’ll figure it out. I want to see you. I want to see all of you lot, Harry most of all. I keep telling myself after this album I’ll pull back a bit. Maybe it’s about time I start figuring out my own life too — my life outside of fame.”

“And what would that life include?” Remus smiled as he asked. He could almost hear Sirius’ smile as he answered.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Tonks

Tonks picked at her salad more than she ate it, the silence hovering over the table.

Sunlight came in through the window beside her. She was seated in a small pub, the place well-lit and pristine, something new that had just popped up in the area.

Remus was across from her, having gotten himself a sandwich. He had been doing a good job of eating it, but she was sure it was a crutch to keep the awkwardness from growing too palpable.

He took another bite, finishing off one half of the sandwich while Tonks had barely had two bites of her salad. He shot her a look as he swallowed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I wanted to thank you for agreeing to this,” He said, and then grimaced. “And I’m glad— You look good.”

“You look good too,” Tonks returned, and she meant it. Skin a healthy glow, his hair looking recently cut. He was wearing a new jumper in a deep blue shade.

She tapped her fingers on the table. Three months out, and she didn’t know what to expect from this. It was not quite long enough for the sting to be gone, but it was getting there.

“I wanted to apologise again,” Remus said, “For everything I did, and for how I handled myself after we ended things. I think— it was wrong, and I hurt you. If I could go back, I’d be honest with you.”

“I know,” Tonks sighed. “A part of my still wishes you’d fight. A part of me still hoped you asked me here to beg me to come back. But I know better. How has Sirius been?”

She could remember the week after they’d ended, the photo being sent from old friends and even family members showing Remus and Sirius together — pictured out and happy. She’d been alone on New Year’s Eve, watching the telly on her own. Remus had been out having fun, as if his heart had never broken at all.

She’d cried after getting the picture, layed in bed and wondered why she was such an idiot.

“He’s busy,” Remus shook his head. “We haven’t seen each other since December, but I’m hoping…”

He looked at her, pressing his lips together as if unsure whether he should go on.

“I don’t want to— Do you want to talk about this?”

Tonks paused, and then she let her shoulders drop.

“Not really. Are you two…?”

“Not yet, or— I’m not sure. Maybe? I’m hoping we will be, but he walks to talk it out together. He told me to figure myself out, be single for a while. I’ve been… talking to someone. Therapy, it’s done me good. It makes me realise how— how much I shut down around you. I never let you in properly, and I’m sorry for that. I always had my walls up.”

“I know,” Tonks cleared her throat, “but cheers for the apology. I guess it’s nice.”

She didn’t know how much she meant it, but she did feel a bit better. Something about the pub and the awkwardness felt right, like finally she could put this thing to rest.

“I want—” Remus cleared his throat. “I want you to know I liked you a whole lot, and that— that you weren’t just someone I put up with. Even if you were—”

“Even if I was never him?”

Remus didn’t meet her eyes.

“I did love you.”

Tonks nodded, feeling her eyes sting. She looked down at her salad, moving her fork through it. She cleared her throat.

“How are James and Lily?”

“Good. She’d like it if you reached out. She liked you too, I think she wishes she had more girl friends around.”

“Maybe. I just don’t know—” Tonks shook her head, “It’s your world, and your friends, Remus. I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet.”

He nodded as if he understood.

“That’s alright.” He gave her an apologetic smile. “I just hope— I get this feeling like I ruined your life. Everything you wanted, your whole future, gone because of me.”

Tonks laughed, shaking her head. She reached out to pat him on the hand.

“Oh, Remus.” She sighed, “You don’t have that much power. I’d never give a man that much power.”

He cracked a smile back at her.

Her new home was on the outskirts of the village, a small place. It was run-down, but it was her own. Her mother had pitched in to help pay, and Tonks was grateful to her.

It was a fixer-upper, but she preferred that. In those spring months, she spent her time working on the place, re-painting the exterior and cleaning the dust.

She had hard-labour, sweat on her brow as she spent hours editing and then hours on the house. But it paid off, and that made her feel good.

She went to bed at night sore but satisfied. She had not expected to end up here, but she didn’t mind it. She liked having complete control of the place.

This was the fixer-upper she would be restricting herself too from here on out. She was not a fixer of men, she was not a fixer of anyone. Just this house.

If she did find anyone else, if she started dating again, she’d make sure they were willing to put just as much effort in. She would make sure they were on the same page, and she would not be the one dragging anyone along. Not anymore.

When she got home that day, she padded through the house, up the stairs to her bedroom, and lay down.

The room was kept clean, her stuff tucked into a trunk at the foot of the bed. Most of the furniture had come with the place, making it just as old and creaking.

She pushed her hair back from her forehead. It had been dyed again recently, a faint pink shade. She’d cut it shorter than it had been in a while, just because she wanted something new.

Besides, it felt good to let go of everything tying her to the past, even her old haircut. She was getting somewhere, moving past the hurt she’d lived with for much of January.

The conversation with Remus was good for that too, because seeing him had broken all her fears. He was nothing more than a man. She might have built him up before, turn him into the evil villain of her story, but he was nothing like that in person.

He was simply a man, a faulty, foolish man.

Her phone rang, and Tonks got it out of her pocket, looking at the number and frowning to herself. She knew it, from one call a while before.

She answered the call, putting the phone to her ear.

“Hello?”

“Tonks,” Sirius Black’s voice picked up, “It’s good to hear your voice again. I just wanted to reach out to you out of— well, out of courtesy.”

“Oh?”

“I’m releasing this album. I recorded most of it already. I think it’ll be out by the end of May. It’s got a whole lot of songs from when I was around for Christmas.”

“So you’re warning me because you have a couple songs about me?” Tonks grimaced, imagining what he’d written — talking about her being foolish, or an idiot, or about how obvious she was to the thing happening right in front of her.

“Most of them are about… Remus.” Sirius cleared his throat, “But yeah, since you were with him, also about you. I actually— I was going to send you the ones that mention you — not by name, obviously. Just so you know before. I don’t want to shock you. And if there is a problem…”

“Oh,” Tonks blinked. She hadn’t expected this. She’d decided over the past few months he must hate her — have a good way of hiding it, but still hate her. Or else he just pitied her.

Even if he did pity her, she was going to take this option. She nodded, realising a second later he couldn’t see.

“Okay, brilliant. That’s kind of you, actually. Are you doing the same for Remus?”

“No,” Sirius snickered, “He doesn’t deserve it. He can find out along with everyone else. Serves him right. I told him so already.”

Tonks shook her head.

“Well, good on you. Thanks for— thanks for this.”

“Oh, no problem. Just— I hope you’re doing well. I worry I might have ruined your life.”

Tonks smirked to herself.

“Funnily enough, Remus said the exact same thing to me. I’ll say it again to you, Black, I’d never let a man have that much control of my life. And besides, all you did was show up again.”

“I sort of prayed for your downfall a bit. I might have a song about that…”

“Well,” Tonks sighed, “Water under the bridge, right? It all ended up alright. And I’m better off here.”

Sirius laughed.

“Right, good to know. Well, have a good day.”

“You too.”

The phone went off, and Tonks threw it down. She shook her head, trying to imagine what kind of songs Sirius Black had written — worried but also a little intrigued over what he could have said about her.

Summer arrived, and the album came out to a renowned success. Tonks was suddenly unable to escape songs mentioning her last relationship. They seemed to play in every store she walked into.

Even still, she found herself feeling better. Somehow, it was fine.

The songs were fine. She found more of an amusement around them than anything. A concept album before anything else, all about Remus — from their initial break-up, to the tangle of emotions Sirius had felt when they’d met again.

Maybe it helped how clearly she could see it all, like the songs had finaly given her answers to all the remaining questions she had. She understood Christmas, with the album’s release, and that made it easy to let go of.

She liked the songs, anyway. The angriest ones amused her, made her wonder how Remus felt. Perhaps she was still bitter enough to enjoy the thought of him struggling with them blaring out of what felt like every speaker.

They were playing one day, in late August, as Tonks stopped at a cafe, ordering a croissant and well-made espresso and doing her job in a corner.

She hummed to the song. Does Your Girlfriend Know? — Sirius had sent her this one before release, despite it having little to actually do with her and a whole lot more to do with how his and Remus’ relationship had first fallen apart, and how honest Remus had been about it.

Tonks liked the song, and she had an answer too. She had not known. She had not known anything. But it was all done now.

She drank her expresso, and she did her editing, and she nibbled at her croissant.

“Oh, hello again.”

Tonks looked up, finding a blonde woman smiling at her. Hair pinned back, in a pastel-blue blouse and a pair of pure-white trousers. Tonks would never be brave enough to wear those.

She looked the woman up and down, slowly remembering her. The sparkle in her blue eyes, the same as it had been when they’d first talked. She’d been the one to comfort her during her break-down back in December.

Tonks felt her face flush, embarrassed at the realisation, and more embarrassed to think she’d made a fool of herself around someone so put together.

“Hi,” Tonks said, and she cleared her throat, “Are you— I haven’t seen you since the first time. Do you live around here?”

“I just moved after graduating in the spring. I love this whole place. I always wanted to move somewhere small — and this town has such a sweetness to it. Do you not think so?”

“I do. I only moved her after starting uni,” Tonks nodded, giving her a small smile. “I’ve only been here a couple years, but if you ever want someone to show you around, I could.”

“That’s lovely,” The woman nodded. “Can I ask? What happened with that… engagement?”

“Things are better,” Tonks smiled, “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“Not at all!” The woman shook her head, “I was happy to help, and I have had my fair-share of heartbreak. I tell you, it means you had a good love if it hurts when it ends. That’s what I like to think.”

“I hope I can see it that way someday,” Tonks nodded, and then she motioned to the chair across from her. “Do you want to sit?”

The woman smiled, taking the chair and holding out her hand.

“I’m Fleur,” she introduced herself, tilting her head at Tonks. “And you?”

“Nymphadora Tonks. My friends call me Dora.”

“Hello then, Dora. I think we will be very good friends.” Fleur gave her a wider smile, her eyes twinkling with it. She had an air about her, making everything around her lose focus, her face the only thing clear.

Intriguing, and nice, and beautiful in that unignorable way. Tonks was sure the woman had never been at a loss for affection, but she didn’t seem any bit spoiled. She wondered if Fleur was too good to be true, but she hoped she was right.

She hoped this was the beginning of something special.

Sirius

The crowds were cheering, the lights so blinding that Sirius could barely see anything beyond the stage. He stood in front of it all, breathing hard, as the band played out his final song — Microphone raised as it ended in a final chord.

He was done for the night, and done for the year too. The final arena, the final crowd, and he was exhilarated, beaming widely.

The lights all around him went out, and he was doused — hidden from view. Wiping his face, he stepped back, walking off stage as his heart continued to pound.

He could still hear the crowds roaring, so loud it rumbled the ground beneath his feet.

Performing was always a bit like a drug, making his thoughts run fast. He felt like the world was brighter, clearer. Adrenaline made his thoughts run faster.

He found Marlene waiting for him behind the stage. He made his way over to her, stopped by a stagehand who gave him a bottle of water, complimenting his playing.

When he was free, he went to Marlene, going for a hug. She side-stepped him.

“Not even for my last performance?” Sirius pouted, watching her smile back. She had been in a good mood lately, since her and Meadowes had decided they were actually dating — even if it still required more arguing than anyone would expect.

“As if you haven’t been looking forward to finishing up. No more work, isn’t that right? Going to retire with your bags of money?” Marlene snarked.

Sirius frowned.

“I’m still going to miss it. Miss the crowds, miss knowing this many people are interested in hearing me. Miss being on the road.”

“But you’ll be happy more than that,” Marlene finished. She’d heard the spiel before, rolling her eyes.

“I just want a chance to live my own life,” Sirius explained, “Not the life of a celebrity, a proper one. I got so caught up in all this, I think I forgot about myself outside of the character they all love.”

He gave her a smirk.

“And besides, I need a break from the scandal.”

“As if you don’t ask for it. You wrote a whole album about being a homewrecker.”

Sirius didn’t argue, rolling his eyes. Even if it wasn’t quite right, that was still the consensus of his last release. The internet had been wild about it. Sirius had heard, but he’d stayed away for the most part. He tried not to think about it. He told himself the only opinions that really mattered were the people around him.

And the people who’d bought his albums — which they had, even if they hated him now. They’d streamed the songs, even if they hated him, even if they thought they were about cheating and about homewrecking.

“I’ll end up back here someday, just in a few years,” Sirius repeated again. “Maybe by then I’ll be too boring to scandalise people. I might not be as famous, then. But I think I’ll survive.”

It felt insane to say, to step back from what he’d spent his younger years chasing. This was everything he’d wanted as a kid, but he was letting it go now. Because he’d gotten it, and it was good, but he wanted more.

He was allowed that. He wouldn’t stay loyal to this life just because of a past version of himself — Sirius Black at eighteen, who’d run off to find fame as quickly as he could. Now, Sirius wanted to breathe a bit.

Freedom, a chance to relax. A chance to spend time with family.

He had been caught up in a whirl-wind since January, and with December now mid-way through, he felt strange knowing he’d gone that long without seeing anyone. Even if he attempted to make plans, they fell through.

There was the tour, there was work. He had zoom calls but even they were fast, done too soon.

But not anymore. He was done. He was going home again, home for Christmas.

James and Lily held a party on Christmas Eve. Sirius got there just in time for it, arriving at their house with a suitcase and a tired smile. Lily tutted over him, commenting on how thin he’d gotten.

“It’s the exercise,” He promised, “Every single night I’ve got to run around the stage. That’s all.”

She let it go, and he changed into a red jumper, tying his hair back and getting himself ready.

He thought about doing more, heartbeat quickening as he imaged the night — knowing who’d be there. He felt like he was doing last Christmas all over again, but this time it was different.

This time, he decided against any kind of glamour, he kept himself in the jumper and a pair of dark-wash jeans, and he bit his lip.

Being nervous was silly. Every time he’d talked to Remus was the same. Every time he’d talked, it had been good. They’d agreed that it was worth waiting to see each other in person, but he feared that was too long — far too long.

Surely, Remus would be sick of waiting now. Even if Sirius had decided to step back from the spotlight, to make time for what truly mattered — his family — it might not be enough.

The party began, and Lily turned on music. Sirius helped her pick out something, ending up with a spotify christmas playlist full of all the hits. As Sirius hummed along to the tune of Blue Christmas he watched people come in, spotting the wedding planner from the year prior and what seemed to be her girlfriend.

She waved at Sirius, and he waved back, but he couldn’t talk. He was feeling anxious the longer time ticked by, getting himself eggnog but being unable to drink it.

The tree was lit, presents under it. He passed by Harry playing with another kid with flaming red hair, a new friend he must have made.

As he made a circle around the room, Sirius came upon a bit of mistletoe, which had been hung just above the doorway leading into the kitchen.

He leaned against it, and he drank his eggnog, deciding this was as good a place as any to wait — it was a good conversation starter too.

Eyes scanning the room, he saw more people from his past. Peter Pettigrew looking rushed, checking his phone as if waiting for a text. All the people from his past. They’d have to get used to him here, he wasn’t rushing off this time.

Not like last Christmas.

And then finally he saw him. In the crowds, having apparently just noticed Sirius too, Remus stood. He was in a jumper of his own, an ugly one with what appeared to be Santa stitched in, grinning out at everyone he passed.

Remus hadn’t changed much since the year prior, his hair a bit shorter and perhaps a new lightness to his steps. His expression was different, no more haunted looks or fear unhidden in his eyes. He looked relieved instead, a smile forming — one that was dripping with warmth. As he stepped forward, Sirius held himself taller, watching as Remus took him in.

Remus came over slowly. stepping out around a small group of party-goers, Sirius noticed the box Remus held in his hands, wrapped in green and red.

Remus stopped in front of him. His face was already flushed, his brown eyes warming as he took Sirius in up close. He did nothing to hide the fondness.

“You’re here…” He said, the words let out in a breath, “I worried… it feels like there was something getting in the way all year.”

“The tour’s over. I can be here…” Sirius shook his head, “I can stay however long I like. I told my manager, I talked it out, and I’m taking a break. An extended one, for however long I need. I meant what I told Harry last year, what I told you. I want to be around, I want to be a better uncle to him. I want—”

Sirius gave him a small smile.

“Well, I just want to be around you lot. I guess that’s enough of a reason, isn’t it?”

Remus smiled, and the flush spread. He took another step forward, nervously avoiding Sirius’ eyes the entire time. A song started up.

Sirius’ cover of Last Christmas. Remus let out a chuckle.

“It’s fitting.” He met Sirius’ eyes. “Haven’t seen you since last Christmas.”

“Right, some of the lyrics are at least,” Sirius said, “But I promise, I haven’t given my heart away to anyone else.”

“Me neither.” Remus held out the present, and Sirius looked down at it.

“Isn’t this for Christmas day?”

Remus shrugged.

“I thought— I wanted to give you something now. It’s not really— it’s a bit silly.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows, and then he tore the wrapping paper, opening it and then the box inside, looking down at what appeared to be a layer of blond hair.

He reached in, pulling it out, and found himself looking at a wig. A nice wig too, something that could pass as real hair.

He snickered.

“Bloody hell.”

“I thought you might need it. And it’ll be easier to get around. It’s a joke, but also…”

“It’s perfect,” Sirius promised, and he watched Remus smile back. The smile was tentative. Sirius tucked the wig back into the box, and as he did, he shook his head.

“Now I feel empty-handed. If I’d known you were bringing that…”

“You don’t need to.” Remus shook his head. “I was— I feel like it’s only fair. I never gave you anything last Christmas.”

Sirius nodded, but as he looked at the box he felt an idea forming. Plucking the bow off of it — which was store-bought with a bit of tape on the back — he stuck it to his jumper.

Meeting Remus’ eyes, he smiled.

“There we go. Now I’ve got a present.”

“You?” Remus raised his eyebrows, and Sirius stepped closer.

“It’s the best gift, isn’t it? Merry Christmas, Remus.”

Remus smiled, and he reached down to touch the bow.

He shook his head. “I don’t know how you do it. You’re so smooth.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

“You know, Lupin,” He went on, “I’ve been here, standing under the mistletoe for a while.”

Remus let out a laugh, rolling his eyes.

“You’ve just been waiting for me, planning that line out?”

Sirius shrugged, and he was pleased when Remus reached out to cup his face, brushing a finger against his cheek.

“You look brilliant,” He said, “And I’ve— the last couple months have been far too long. I really am glad you’re here again.”

Sirius nodded, and then he leaned forward.

“You better kiss me now, because—”

Remus did kiss him, pulling him forward under the mistletoe. And Sirius smiled into the kiss, letting his eyes close as Remus slid back into his hair.

It tasted like eggnog and the faintless bit of peppermint, and Remus was warm to the touch, overheated by the party or by his own nerves. Sirius melted into him.

Better than the kiss after James and Lily’s wedding, better than anything he’d imagined in the past months. This kiss was without fear or mystery, it was a declaration.

Remus put a hand to his waste, and Sirius pulled back to look him over. He felt breathless, unable to help a smile. He was halfway to laughing.

“I hope you know this is it, Lupin. You’re not ever allowed to leave again.”

“I’ll never want to,” Remus promised, and then leaned in to kiss him again, unable to help his own smile. “I know better now.”

Sirius grinned, and then he reached out to tug at his jumper lightly.

“Then let’s get going. I have a guest-room to myself and a year of pent-up emotions to get out. You better be ready.”

Remus bit his lip, shaking his head.

“God, I love you.”

Sirius took him off, deciding the Christmas party could wait a little while. They’d have more Christmases together, he hoped a hundred more Christmases together.