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Chapter Text

Todd always was and always would be the quiet boy who rarely got picked on at school. He never had any friends , or consistently stuck around with anyone.

Out of school though , he had attempted to ‘hang around’  with his brother , Jeffery Anderson. But after like two days Todd quickly acknowledged all Jeff really blabbed on about was girls. Todd had mixed emotions on the conversations. He believed he felt natural listening to his own brother talking around the particular subject , but unknowingly felt unnatural to even just agree with him , felt like he didn’t ‘fit’ in the conversation, even though there was only two of them there.

Jeffery had always been noticeably diverse compared to Todd. He had tons of friends , he could literally have any girl he wanted and he was increasingly smart. Todd never really found himself jealous of his sibling as such, but perhaps envious of Jeff. The attention and compliments from their parents is what played in Todd’s mind. He loved his brother, but would always crave what he had. He didn’t know why necessarily, or how, but anyway. He’d never be like him, ‘too shy and dumb’ , Todd had always told himself.

Jeff had attended Welton Academy, a private school for boys, and had a mass friend group, and a big reputation what not. Todd never knew any of his friends. Well… except one. Peter. A dark-haired boy, brown eyes, about eleven months older than Todd, that came around the Andersons’ pretty often , as far as Todd thought anyway.

The memory flashed through Todd’s head quite often, not as much as last year , though. It was an autumnal , bitter Sunday, and Peter’s birthday. Todd sadly knew about how Peter had lost too many members of his family in the past, and that his brother was pretty important to him. Jeff being Jeff, pulled a suprise party, which only consisted of the Anderson’s, and Peter, duh. It was, overall, a good day. Todd remembered the whole thing. More specifically however, the evening.

It was probably about 6ish, the ‘get-together’ was over, but obviously Peter was still there. Todd was curled up in his usual spot of the corner of his bedroom, his face buried in a book, one Peter gave him himself the previous week. Todd had gone upstairs early, with plans to stay there until the next morning after. He read the book quietly and glanced up to the figure standing in his doorway. It was Peter. Todd kind of felt shock. He never really realised how decently attractive Peter was. Dark brown locks of hair falling perfectly on his forehead. His brown eyes like an old book cover. His tall appearance. He wasn’t lanky. Or incredibly muscular for that matter. Todd quickly knocked the thought, and cringed at himself. 

Peter strolled in, holding a little something wrapped in tissue.

‘Figured you might want some cake’ , Peter smiled.

Todd hesitated for a second.

‘T-Thanks’ , he mumbled quieter than a whisper.

Peter slid down the wall and without question sat next to Todd.

‘Oh god’, Todd thought to himself.

Their knees were touching. Todd didn’t know how he was ‘supposed’ to feel. He felt uncomfortable, at least he knew that. Peter passed him the cake, Todd unwrapped it carefully and took a tiny bite, placing the cake the other side of him on the floor. It was that moment where Todd’s hair at the back of his neck raised. Was Peter staring at him? Oh. He was. Todd shyly turned his face towards Peter’s, their eyes meeting. Their lips inches away from one another. Todd quickly looked away, but Peter lifted a gentle finger to Todd’s chin and pulled him to face him. Peter kissed him. After a second, Todd let out a small and short lasted groan of disapproval, and pulled his face away from Peter’s. Another figure was in the doorway. Jeffery…

‘Shit’, Peter said.

‘What the- Peter- What the fuck?’ , Jeffery was confused, worried, angry.

Todd nearly cried. It wasn’t his fault. He hoped he could speak up and defend himself, but his throat was dry. Nothing. Peter hurriedly shot up, fast pacing to follow Jeff, who had snuck off downstairs.

‘Fuck’, Todd whispered. If his parents found out, he’d probably be shipped to a prison.

Autumn 1959 - Hellton (self harm mentioned - please be mindful ily guys!)

It had been just over a year since it had happened now. Of course, Todd’s parents found out and Todd didn’t know how to defend himself to them. He’s managed to talk to Jeffery, say that it wasn’t him who leaned in, or encouraged it. It wasn’t him. He’d heard his parents arguing downstairs pretty often, saying how they couldn’t have a ‘queer’ son , or what not.

They knew it wasn’t Todd’s fault or anything, but he’d always sit solemnly on the top of the stairs feeling guilty, thinking he’d done something wrong.
Todd’s mental health got worse. He started having panic attacks when he was alone and the emotions overtook his reality. Guilt, judgment, and fear took over his skin, he never told anyone. He’d class himself as a girly attention seeker if he did. Todd’s father’s razor blade became sadly familiar. It was always just below his shoulder. Todd knew the scars wouldn’t ever leave, but get better, at least. He could stop himself, but his feelings couldn’t, or wouldn’t. He hated his body. He didn’t look like Jeffery; he looked like a sad child.

Things got a lot better though.

Todd hated the idea of going to Welton. Always living in his brother’s shadow, having to bear with quietly greeting himself to new teachers, and a new roommate. He couldn’t bear the thought. But he had to go somewhere other than Balincrest. The ‘incident’ got out, and rumours flied faster than a forest fire. This was a big part of Todd’s mental health falling, and falling. He got called so many bad, bad things and it got to the point he cried in front of his parents. With persuasion from Jeffery, his parents said Todd could be enrolled to Welton for his last few years of high school.

September was here. School was round the corner. Todd spent the last week gathering and packing everything, since he’d be there until winter break, he may have overpacked, but it didn’t bother him.

His brother walked in.

‘Nearly ready for the devastating week ahead , Toddsie?’ , he grinned.

‘I- don’t know’, Todd mumbled and gave him a look of dullness.

‘Cheer up’, he patted Todd on the shoulder, causing Todd to flinch a bit ,‘You’ll have a great time. Make the most of it.’

Todd gave him a small nod as he left the room.

‘Todd!’ , Mrs Anderson called from downstairs , ‘There’s a little something for you down here!’

Todd sighed, stopped packing and plodded downstairs. His mother was holding a letter, probably from Welton, and handed it to him.

‘Well, open it!’ Jeffery suggested.

‘I- I will later’ Todd mumbled, as he left the kitchen with the perfectly sealed letter. ‘What was in it?’ He thought. He’d already got in , hadn’t he?

As he walked down the corridor to the stairs he heard his father grumble , ‘That boy. Needs to learn to speak up.’

Todd felt dull after that, but he was used to it. He propped himself on his desk chair, and stared at the letter. Eventually, he carefully opened it as if something would jump out if he ripped it even in the slightest. He scammed the paper , and the word ‘roommate’ popped out at him. He read from there.

Your roommate this year is:

Neil Perry

Chapter Text

Hm. Quite a normal name, he thought. It reminded him of a berry. Berry. Perry. Similar enough. Todd thought for a second. What if Neil somehow knew about Peter, and hated him for the whole year? What if he spread the word about Todd and it would just be the same as Balincrest? What if he was a stuck-up rich kid with nothing better to do? Todd wanted to cry. His luck wasn’t the best, and he told himself nothing would probably get better. Ugh. This next month would be fun.

Todd’s first day at Welton

The whole journey was insufferable. The silence between Todd and his parents was loud, so loud that Todd wanted to disintegrate right there,but he never did. He felt nervous too, scared that Welton was just as bad as everyone said it was. When they finally got there, Todd felt even worse. Tall brick built buildings, ancient corridors, old photos and trophies, pretty stereotypical, but different from Balincrest. He looked at all the younger boys, crying and whining to their mothers, telling them not to leave, it only made the atmosphere more intense and threatening.

The ‘opening’ ceremony was interesting. It took place in a historic chapel, and a quite beautiful harmony from bagpipes. The headteacher , Gale Nolan , introduced the school, and the boys all in uniform. He looked around, thinking which one of these boys would be his roommate. Neil Perry. What one looked most like a ‘Neil Perry’?
He saw a strawberry blonde sort of boy with glasses. Hm. No. He saw a rather lanky dark haired boy sitting behind him, his hair kind of , sticking up? Um. Definitely not. Todd had no idea. He’d know soon enough. After the ceremony, his parents insisted they said hello to Mr. Nolan , as much as Todd really didn’t want to.

‘This is our youngest, Todd’ , he heard his mother say to the headmaster.

Mr. Nolan said something after that , but Todd didn’t at all hear. He just gave him a subtle nod and said a tiny , ‘Thank you’ , and hoped he didn’t say anything with the valid answer not being a thank you. Anyway, it didn’t occur too much to Todd.

Once his parents had left, he decided to take a walk around the school while most of the other students (whose parents actually care about them) said goodbye to their families. He went through the building , taking in the autumn air swaying through the corridors, and eventually led to a courtyard. He walked slowly through it, and jumped at the sound of the door opening.

‘Hey!’ , a boys voice came suddenly , ‘I hear we’re gonna be roommates. I’m Neil Perry.’

Todd thought he looked familiar. Dark hair and brown eyes. It didn’t click into his brain.

‘Todd Anderson’ , they shook hands.

About 2 hours passed after Todd wandered more around the school alone, and he decided to head for the dormitories. As he approached his room, he heard someone speaking.

‘Hey , heard you got the new kid! Looks like a stiff!’ , it came from the door of his dorm.

‘Great’ , Todd thought , ‘Really great.’

He slowly walked over, and the boy moved out of his way without hesitation. God. He doesn’t have a disease, calm down. Neil tried to comfort him, but Todd still felt uncomfortable.

A few of Neil’s friends invited themselves in, it felt weird, but Todd was the new one, so he couldn’t say anything. The boy with the glasses was there ,Stephen Meeks, was his name. And two others, Knox Overstreet and Charlie Dalton. A man came in , Todd guessed it was Neil’s father after Neil addressed him as ‘father’, hint hint, Neil’s father. He was stern, more tense than Neil, and he didn’t at all seem ‘friendly’. Once Neil’s father left, Charlie was the first person to get up, closely followed by Knox. Meeks had said that Neil wasn’t so close to his father , and he never really opened up about it. Todd just nodded and thought about himself a year ago bottling everything up, and how he wished he told someone. He ended the thought in his head. He probably wouldn’t even talk to Neil, let alone get him to open up about anything.

Dinner was not very appealing, but after Todd got the dorm to himself since Neil and his friends (and basically the whole population of junior year) studied together in the common room. He read for a while, then he went to the changing rooms for a shower. As he was walking there, his brain finally clicked. Oh. Peter. That’s who Neil looked like.

That’s all Todd could think about. The real reason he was here. His parents probably couldn’t bare him anymore. They thought something was wrong with him. All the thoughts came back to him like a wave crashing onto the shore. ‘What is wrong with me?’ , he thought , ‘It’s all my fault.’
He turned the shower on, and just contemplated his thoughts. He shouldn’t do that. It’s what makes him get all upset and annoyed at himself. He didn’t stop though. He started crying. He started to sit down, his legs tucked up under his arms. He knew what was happening, and prayed no one would walk in, he was having a panic attack. But , to his luck, someone did. At this point the shower was turned off and whoever walked in could probably hear Todd’s sniffling. The footsteps stopped.

‘Oh, erm, I’ll leave. Sorry’

Todd felt fire in his cheeks. It sounded like.. Neil? Did he know it was Todd? He hoped not. He’d have to explain himself and cause attention to himself and just look like a weird new kid. After 5 minutes (Todd thought this was a good amount of time for 1, Neil to forget about this and 2, Todd’s puffy eyes to turn back to the pale they were.) , Todd got up and dried himself, then slicked his wet hair out of the way.

He returned to his dorm, Neil wasn’t there. God. He’d probably gone to his friends saying a saddo was crying in a shower cubicle. Todd cringed at that thought. Was he really that sad? He quickly changed into his pyjamas, and shuffled into his bed and read for a bit. It felt nice, to of got those emotions out, but weird. He layed down and tried to sleep. He shuffled in his duvet and tried his hardest to get used to it. About half an hour later, he heard Neil creep in, the rustling of clothes and the duvet. Todd knew he wasn’t asleep. His breathing was uneasy, and he fidgeted , a lot.

‘How’d you like Hellton so far?’ , Neil said, breaking the silence, from his side of the room.

‘I- m not sure’ , Todd stuttered.

‘Huh?’

‘I’m not sure’ , Todd claimed, clearer this time.

‘Hm’ , Neil ‘hmphed’.

Hm? What did that mean? Did he hate Todd? Probably not. Todd was overthinking again.

The next morning was draining. Classes started today, and Todd basically clung to Neil’s side like a magnet. Neil didn’t complain though, which proved at least he wasn’t overly confident in himself to tell Todd to leave, as much as he probably wanted to. At breakfast, Todd realised how much of a slow eater he was, all of the boys had finished after 10 minutes, and Todd was just nibbling away. Neil waited for him, as much as Knox told him he’d be late for first period. But he didn’t care for chemistry that much. If his father heard this, he’d be shouted at. Or worse.

The pair did get to the class on time, and did for the rest of the day. As period 4 came, it was rather different. English Literature, one of Todd’s favourite subjects. It was a rather short professor, Mr. Keating, or ‘oh captain, my captain’ was his name. He seemed very familiar with some of Todd’s favourite poems, but Todd being himself didn’t speak up about it. He heard Neil talking to the group how it was an odd lesson, but again, obviously he didn’t say anything.

Soon enough, it was dinner again. Todd sat himself across from where Neil normally sat , in between Knox and Pitts (Stephen’s roommate). This had just became the ‘seating’ arrangement at that point, not many changes were made. Neil wasn’t there, but eventually made an appearance, with an old looking book.

‘Take a look at this! Mr. Keating! Captain of the soccer team? I don’t even believe it!’ Neil smiled with excitement of his discovery.

‘Thigh man? Dead poets society? What’s the dead poets society?’ Charlie questioned.

‘God knows. We’ll have to ask him,’ Neil replied.

Todd didn’t even know why they bothered.

It was the next morning, just before 1st period and the boys gathered themselves behind Keating. They talked about what the ‘dead poets society’ was and Todd heard Neil say something about going tonight? He trailed behind the group of friends as Mr. Hager shouted at them from afar. What were the boys planning? He knew it had something to do with the dead poets, and he just pretended he knew what was going on for the rest of the day. In 3rd period , was when Todd spoke to Neil properly for the first time, and actually found out what was going on.

‘Todd, you coming tonight?’ Neil whispered.

‘N- no,’ Todd stumbled over his words.

‘Why not? God you were there, you heard Keating, don’t you wanna do something about th-‘

‘Y- yes but I-‘

‘But- but what?’ Neil encouraged.

Todd sighed.

‘Keating said that everybody took turns reading, I- I don’t wanna do that’, Todd whispered.

‘Gosh you really have a problem with that don’t you?’ Neil looked at him confused.

‘N- no I don’t have a problem.. Neil- I just don’t wanna do it, okay?’ Todd told him.

‘Alright’, Neil looked down and paused, ‘what if you didn’t have to read? What if you just came and listened?’

‘That’s- not how it works’, Todd replied, slightly annoyed.

‘Forget how it works!’ Neil said eagerly,’What if, what if they said it was okay?’

‘What- are you gonna go up, and ask them?’ Todd questioned.

Neil pulled a ‘yeah, why not sort of face’.

‘N- no’

‘I’ll be right back!’ Neil shuffled away to ask the boys.

‘N- Neil! Neil!’ Todd whispered desperately.

Eventually, after what felt like ages, it was the end of the day and Todd was thinking about his and Neil’s conversation earlier that day. As he spat out the bitter toothpaste, Todd felt a tap. He looked up, startled.

‘You’re in.’

Todd stared as Neil walked away. It only be a matter of hours and all the boys could’ve signed their expulsion papers after ‘being caught’ sneaking out. Or not. Instead they could be having a good time. God. Be optimistic, Todd.

Chapter Text

‘Quick, come on!’ Charlie whispered to the boys.

They all snuck out of Welton, so far successfully. Todd had never really been outside on the grounds at night. The luminescent moon lighting up the dark-crowded woods, owls hooting, like a secret language. As the group ran over the damp, forest floor, twigs snapped and all else was silent. Eventually they got to the stream Neil had mentioned, and followed it, leading to an old cave.

All the boys crowded themselves in, Neil sat next to Todd, Meeks and Pitts sat together, Knox and Dalton, and Cameron sticking out on his own a bit. Neil stood up and started the meeting, and Charlie decided to have his ‘moment’ (if that’s what you want to call it).

‘So, I say we spice things up.’ Dalton said after a few of the members read a poem.

This gained a few ‘oohs’ and ‘ahs’ from the poets.

And with that, Charlie slowly put his hand in his pocket, and pulled out a metal bottle, presumably which had some sort of strong alcohol in it.

‘Oh Charlie how’d you get that?!’ Cameron complained.

‘Snuck it from my father’s cabinet at home,’ Charlie said proudly, ‘he’s been gifted so much over the years. It’s not like he’d notice.’

‘Well, okay then!’ Neil exclaimed, ‘New addition to the meeting I suppose! So, who’s exactly gonna drink some first?’

Without hesitation, Charlie took a big gulp and made a breathing sound after swallowing, as if it was an achievement. He passed the bottle encouragingly to Neil. Neil looked around at everyone, almost asking for a wish of luck, and swallowed.

‘God! That’s so strong!’ Neil laughed, along with Dalton.

After only half an hour, the cave was filled with not poets , but madmen. Giggles and laughter was echoing around the stone.

‘Right. Knox. Truth or dare?’ Charlie asked out of the blue.

‘Uhm. Truth?’

‘Have you ever thought about Chris .. naked?’ Charlie grinned at himself.

‘Wh- Charlie- that’s so weird,’ Knox defended himself.

The boys laughed and played the game for another 15 minutes. They were all ridiculously drunk, even Todd, and Cameron.

‘Okay Todd.’ Charlie looked over at the boy.

Todd startled himself, and looked up quickly.

‘Truth or dare?’ Charlie smiled.

‘Uh truth?’ Todd said, quite happily.

‘Have you had your first kiss?’

‘Well- yeah’ Todd said.

He felt himself being watched. As if he had said something wrong. He didn’t necessarily care though, the alcohol had taken over him, his brain was somewhere else. His body felt free. His mouth felt icky with the taste of alcohol. But nothing held him back.

‘Oooh do spill!’ Charlie laughed.

‘Oh Todd’s got himself some romance!!’ Pitts chuckled.

‘Hm it’s nothing. Over now. In fact, never a thing’ Todd claimed.

‘Oh but I think we’d all be happy to hear the story, Toddsie!’ Charlie grinned, ‘right guys?’

Neil looked at Todd.

‘Well-‘

‘Pleaseee!’

‘Okay. But don’t tell.’ Todd couldn’t hold back. He felt so careless and nothing would happen, would it?

‘It was around this time last year. My brother’s friends birthday.’ Todd gulped, but wasn’t stopping now.

‘My brother’s friend kissed me. Peter, his name was. Looked a bit like Neil!’ Todd laughed quietly to himself.

The whole group went silent. Oh god. Oh god. Todd felt every eye on him. Red rose through his body to his cheeks. He’s never told anyone that. Bloody alcohol. Never doing that again. He really wanted to disappear off the face of the earth. Todd almost instantly picked himself up and left the cave, running away with fear he literally had no one anymore.

When he got back to the dorm, he chucked his coat off and snuck straight to bed, worried Neil could walk in any moment and be embarrassed of his roommate. Fuck. He’d messed up. The one good thing about alcohol is how quickly Todd managed to fall asleep, and how empty his thoughts were after hitting his pillow.

(this next bit is about neils perspective, ily)

Neil walked back through the dark woods lost for thoughts. 

Todd wasn’t… gay? Was he? God Neil. You think of it as if it’s a curse. How disgusting. The only thoughts that trailed through his head.

When he finally got back to the dorm, Todd was fast asleep, he guessed the rum had knocked him out. If Neil could, he would shake Todd awake and apologise and say that he’s always going to be there, and never leave despite what happens but he didn’t. The sight of Todd peacefully sleeping gave Neil a feel of comfort, and relief.

He just hoped none of the boys would say anything. He trusted them, of course, but was worried Todd would worry. God. Was he overthinking this? No. Just.. helping out a friend. Yeah. (He didn’t like the sound of that for some reason, but stuck with it). Neil got into his pjs and went to bed.

Neil eventually woke up to the sound of the bells, and quietly hustled out of bed, and remembered. Todd. He looked over to his roommate, he was still fast asleep. Neil sighed to himself. God. The way the small amount of light peaked through the blinds and hit Todd’s face softly, highlighting his cheekbone. He looked really gr- Nope, Neil thought. He looks cool and that’s it! Yup. After erasing all of his thoughts, Neil made his way to the showers. When he walked in, Charlie was brushing his teeth. Please don’t mention it, Neil thought.

‘Oh hey Neil!’ Dalton said with decent energy.

‘Morning Char,’ Neil said with a ‘morning’ voice.

‘So- uh,’ Charlie hesitated, ‘How’s Todd?’

‘What do you mean?’ Neil slightly protested.

‘Oh well, drinking last night or what not. Figured he might be a tad hung over.’ Charlie replied, very calmly.

‘Oh- erm, I’m not sure.’

‘No really Neil. How is he? You know, with what he told us and all? I’ve told Cameron not to tell a soul, otherwise we would not be on good terms again.’ Charlie looked at Neil sorrowfully.

‘I dunno, Charlie. He wasn’t awake when I left. And he was asleep when I got back last night. And, thanks. I just hope the boys won’t say anything.’

‘They won’t,’ And with that, Charlie left, and Neil showered and got into his uniform.

A bit later,in first period, Neil sat in his usual spot for trigonometry and glanced over at Todd. He had made an appearance (surprisingly) but gee did he look so tired. His eyes were puffy, like he had been crying, and he consistently kept rubbing just below his shoulder. Neil wondered why he might have been crying. He didn’t have too. He hadn’t done anything wrong, Neil thought. He hadn’t committed a crime! And it was at that moment he decided he would talk to Todd about everything after dinner, tell him how he still wants to be his friend, and Charlie, too.

Second period rolled along. Boring maths. Neil had never appealed to mathematics, but he knew the basics to get a good grade and keep his father proud. Neil sat in the middle towards the left, next to Knox.

‘Hey Neil. How’s Toddsie? Looks a bit beaten up to me.’ Knox sighed,’he knows we won’t judge him, right?’

‘Hm,’ Neil shrugged ,’I hope so. Gonna try talk to him tonight. He should know we all like him the same. And yes, he looks terrible.’

Knox gave him a questionable look and Neil was happy he had Overstreet’s word. Now he just needed to hope the other three boys weren’t changed by Todd’s slight ‘outburst’ last night.

Eventually, third period rolled on, and at the end of the lesson when Neil was packing up his school books, Pitts stood infront of him.

‘Hey, so Dalton told me, Meeks and Cameron not to switch up or anything about Todd. I just wanted you to know he’s still our friend. At least for me and Steven anyway. Richard was a bit funny about it. Sure you could talk him out of his mood though.’

‘Yeah, hopefully,’ Neil suggested,’Cheers Pittsie.’

Now all Neil has to do was sit through 3 more boring lessons and a dinner then he could talk to Todd.

Back to Todds perspective now ily

Fuck. They are all going to hate his guts. That was it. Todd is officially the queer loner kid. Exactly the label he didn’t want.

After a full night of crying himself to sleep, Todd felt the day dragged on like a heavy duvet. Would it ever be over? He hoped so. In his last period, it was Keating’s class again. Todd crept into the class amongst the other boys and sat at his desk at the front corner, avoiding eye contact with anyone. The secret was probably out now. Ugh. Todd might as well could’ve done a somersault and it wouldn’t be this embarrassing. He just knew it.

In the lesson, Keating had stood up on the desk to make a statement.

‘Why do i stand up here?’ He asked encouragingly.

‘To feel taller,’ Charlie chanted from the back.

‘No! Ding!’ Keating replied, earning a laugh from his students.

‘I stand up here to remind myself that we must always look at things from a different perspective.’

The class falls silent.

‘Don’t believe me? Come up here yourselves!’ He suggests, ’Come on!’

Almost immediately after, the first ones to rise are Neil and Dalton, hurrying to the desk, and stepping up proudly. Todd tried to avoid them as much as possible, and his himself at the back. After about 2 minutes it was his turn. When he cautiously stepped on the desk, the bell rang, and Keating strolled through to the exit of the classroom.

‘Your homework,’ (the class groaned at this) ,’uhohuhoahuh,’ Keating projected , switching the light on and off, ‘is to create an original piece! A poem of your own! I’d like them ready to be presented by Monday!’

The class groaned as he walked out, Todd admiring the world from the desk.

‘Mr Anderson!’, Keating claimed, Todd nearly tumbling off, ‘Don’t think I don’t know this assignment scares the hell out of you, you mole!’

The class laughs, and Todd goes red as the classroom darkens, and he steadily jumps off.

After dinner (that Todd rapidly eats faster than an animal that hasn’t been fed in 10 days), Todd makes his way back to his dorm and attempts a few poems.

‘We are dreaming of a-‘

God he can’t think of what to put next.
He crumples the paper and throws it in the bin. It takes him about an hour to decide the first line.

‘We are dreaming of a tomorrow.’

That’s all. So instead he decides to study and search through his favourite poets to write some of their poems down for inspiration. Only one seems to stick out to him though.

O well for him who lives at ease
With garnered gold in wide domain,
Nor heeds the splashing of the rain,
The crashing down of forest trees.

O well for him who ne’er hath known
The travail of the hungry years,
A father grey with grief and tears,
A mother weeping all alone.

But well for him whose foot hath trod
The weary road of toil and strife,
Yet from the sorrows of his life,
Builds ladders to be nearer God.

Oscar Wilde

Todd quickly writes it down and shoves it under his bed. At least he has a vague idea now.

Todd thinks about what the boys are going to eventually say and how bad it is and how stupid-

Click. The door.

It’s Neil. Todd sighs. Here comes the questionnaire! Fun!

Chapter Text

‘Hey,’ Neil says, hesitantly.

‘H- hi,’ Todd replies, unsure.

‘Listen Todd.’ Neil sits upright on his bed opposite Todd, who is currently about to self combust in embarrassment,’I want you to know from deep down in the depths of my heart my friendship with you will not change whatsoever. You’re always going to be my friend, Todd. No matter what happens. Same with the group. They’re all fine with- well- you know. Your first kiss. It happens to everyone. Even if it doesn’t, it’s still ok. I had my first kiss and it was horrible and sl-‘

‘Thank you.’

‘No problem, but really-‘

‘I didn’t want to kiss him, you know,’

‘Oh.’

‘No well- he was kinda- I don’t know. Good lo- looking?’ Todd stuttered,’But it wasn’t my decision.’

‘I understand. Even if it was id still want to be your friend, Todd.’

‘Rea- Thank you.’ Todd corrected.

‘Anytime. Glad that’s sorted!’

‘And sorry when I said he looked like you. I didn’t mean it as a-an offence, you guys just have the same… cheeks?’

‘Cheeks?’ Neil sarcastically questioned.

‘Yep. You and my first kiss have the same cheeks.’ Todd laughed.

‘Honoured, really,’ Neil mutters jokingly as he gets his stuff ready to go shower.

Once Neil left the room, Todd shuffled his hand under his bed to find the poem, and he scanned his eyes over it once again.

‘O well for him who lives at ease’

‘I wish,’ Todd thought.

17th November 1959 - Welton Academy

Todd opened his eyes slightly, scared if he made an abrupt movement he’d wake the whole building up, and looked slowly around the room. Neil had gone. What time was it? What day was it? Todd leaned over to his bedside table and squinted his eyes to read the time. 7:30am. Ugh. He’d missed breakfast. He also had Keating’s class tomorrow, the last lesson before the poems would have to be presented. On that note, he layed down and glided his arm under his bed, to check over the poem he’d wanted to annotate last night. Wait. Hold on.

He shuffled his hand a bit further onto the floorboards, nothing. Quickly, he hopped of his mattress and physically looked under his bed, seeking the poem desperately. Gone.

‘It’s probably somewhere here. I fell asleep before I officially put it back. It’s okay.’ Todd reassured himself.

He hurriedly got changed into his uniform, and breakfast would be over by now. One day without wouldn’t hurt. Lessons were starting, so Todd quickly packed his books and set off.

Today was the timetable that Todd never really had, but was apparently ‘required’ for at least 2 days each semester. Today was that day. For first period, where he’d usually have trigonometry, Todd had physical education. He’d wanted to do soccer (with Neil), but his father claimed ‘you need to try other things,boy.’ So that basically left the decision non existent, and Todd did rowing. Cameron did rowing. Todd knew the boy didn’t like him after he drunkenly said he’d kissed a boy. He always avoided eye contact and conversations with him. Todd didn’t necessarily care (he wasn’t big on conversations), but it just made him feel so worthless, and different. Richard always made an effort to talk to the poets, never him. He got that he was the unapproachable new kid. But, at least all of the other boys didn’t think it was illegal to look in his direction.

As rowing came to an end, and the boys were all changing, Richard Cameron was the first person to speak to Todd.

‘I’m not the bad guy, y’know.’

‘O- I uh-,’ Todd stumbled. His confidence was lower than an ant that had just been stepped on.

‘Charlie and Neil are attacking me for it.’ Cameron muttered.

‘I didn- I-,’ Todd’s brain had shrunk. He still resembled the ant.

‘It’s not my fault you- yo- your..’

Todd gulped, ‘I’m not Richard, okay? It was a mistake I made. I was a dumb 15 year old. Not much has changed.’

Todd only muttered this very cautiously, aware of the boys changing around them. But oh did Cameron hear.

‘Right. So we’re kind of okay?’

‘Kind of,’ Todd mumbled. Kind of? What did that mean? Was it really necessary?

The next few periods felt like years. Todd hadn’t seen Neil or any of the other boys (except Cameron, of course) at all today, and he realised how lonely he is. He didn’t speak to anyone. And the only time he did might’ve as well been an argument. No one spoke to him. The whispers and people’s average conversations oozed around him mockingly. He just sat and thought all the time. Sat and thought. How sad.

The Evening

‘Again?’ Todd thought, unwrapping the same desk set his parents gave him last year, this year.

He sat, full of thoughts, on a little ‘bridge’ type thing near enough to his dorm. Contemplating life, and questioning his every decision he’s ever made. He was so lost in thought and-

‘Todd?’ A familiar voice sounded.

Todd looked up. Neil. ‘Lost in thought’. Yeah right. All the thoughts got whooshed away by a tsunami. Tsunami = Neil.

‘Hey!’ Neil said, trying to gain Todd’s full focus.

‘Hey,’ Todd said.

‘What’s going on?’

‘Nothing,’ Todd replied quietly, ‘Todays my birthday.’ (A bit louder, that time)

‘Is today your birthday?’ Neil asked encouragingly.

Todd nodded.

‘Happy birthday!’ Neil exclaimed, as if he’d never experienced someone’s else’s birthday.

‘Thanks,’ Todd said.

‘What’d you get?’ Asked Neil.

‘M- my parents gave me this.’ Todd gestured his head over to the lifeless desk set sitting next to him.

‘Isn’t that the same-‘

‘Yeah- yeah. They gave me the same thing as last year.’ Todd sighed, looking up at Neil. Then down to the floor.

It went quiet for a few seconds. Neil didn’t know what to say, clearly.

Neil gulped, ‘Maybe they thought you needed another one.’ He laughed.

‘Or maybe they weren’t thinking about anything at all,’ Todd smiled nonchalantly.

Oh god. Why did he say that. Neil’s going to think he’s spoiled. Oh. It went silent again. He had to say something.

‘The funny thing about this is I didn’t even like it the first time.’

This gained a laugh from Neil.

‘Todd, I think you’re underestimating the.. the value of this desk set,’ he paused, and picked it up, ‘I mean- who would want a football, or a- a baseball,’

‘Or a car?’ Todd interrupted, attempting to make a joke.

‘Hm! Or a car. What if they could have a desk set as wonderful as this one. I mean. If I was going to buy a desk set, twice,’ This gained a giggle from Todd, ‘I would probably, buy this one! Both times!’

The pair laughed.

‘In fact it’s- it’s shape is-‘ Neil outstretched his arm with the desk set in his hands, ‘it’s rather, aerodynamic, isn’t it?’

Todd gazed up at Neil. He knew what was coming, and the idea sounded reliving.

‘I can feel it. This desk set wants to fly!’

Todd stood up, the desk set accepted its fate. Neil looked over to him and smiled fully.

‘Todd?’

Neil passed the desk set to Todd.

‘The world’s first , unmanned, flying desk set.’ He said.

And then, Todd threw the desk set with a mighty push that resulted in him making a ‘yargh’ sort of noise, and when it hit the floor with an impact, the boys laughed at the unique sight.

‘Whoo! Oh my!’ Neil exaggerated.

Todd chuckled. This was the better birthday present. Being out here, with this cool,kind, fun, really fucking good loo- no not happening. This is your roommate Todd, not your middle school crush. Just a really nice guy, Todd reminded himself.

‘Well. I wouldn’t worry. You’ll get another one next year.’ Neil joked.

About 1 hour later, all good spirits were still at an okay level. Neil looked like he was studying… maths? While Todd worked on his poem.

‘We are dreaming of a tomorrow

And tomorrow isn’t coming,

We are dreaming of a glory that

We don’t really want

We are dreaming of a new day

When the new day’s here already

We are running from the battle

When it’s one that must be fought.’

Hm. It needs more. A line? Another stanza? Hm.

‘Y’know, I’ve always wondered why no one appreciates the night. It’s so.. pretty.’ Neil broke the silence.

‘Oh- uh- I’ve never thought in depth about it.’ Todd replied casually.

‘Like, the nature and the owls and the wind and the moon and the stars and just everything. It’s a weird thought. But all of that. And still we sleep.’ Neil said with eagerness.

‘It’s not a weird thought,’ Todd’s voice trailed off just below a whisper, ‘and still we sleep.’

That’s it.

And still we sleep.

Todd jots it down. It’s good. It’s really good. He’ll probably end up writing one or two more stanzas, but he really likes it.

And still we sleep.

Todd knows that will probably be his next fixation for a couple weeks, trying to fish out all of its meanings. Yep.

Chapter Text

It was a misty, numbing Friday night, and the poets were sneaking out of the school cautiously without a trace. The meeting would be about the 6th meeting so far this semester, because of last minute study groups and the poets all ‘not being able to make it’. But today, tonight, they were going. At last. Todd had kind of missed it. Missed attempting to warm up just by layering for it to be freezing. Missed hearing and gaining more knowledge of poetry, and even friendships. Missed being able to sit so close to Neil, a blanket of his warmt-

‘Hey Toddsie! Todd!’ Knox knocked him back into reality. They were already at the cave.

‘Come on Toddsie!’ He heard ‘Nuwanda’ (the name Charlie had officially given himself at a previous meeting) call out for him.

Todd climbed carefully into the cave, glancing round for a place to sit. Only one place sticking out, in between Neil and.. Cameron. Sighing silently in his mind, he plodded himself over to sit down, edging himself closer to Neil, because he didn’t want to be too close to Richard, (obviously). Eventually, the meeting started. No alcohol (for Todd anyways. Neil, Pitts and Nuwanda, however..) and no issues. So far.

‘Sooo!’ Neil stood up abruptly, stumbling a bit, ‘Whoops! Ha. Anyway! Can I have a.. drumroll please!’

The poets all in sync tapped their hands on their knees.

‘Oh god,’ Todd heard Cameron mutter. Todd only rolled his eyes.

‘Thank you! I have a poem to read!’

‘No shit Sherlock Perry,’ Dalton laughed.

‘Now, now. Can I have the torch?’ Neil requested.

Meeks quickly passed him the torch.

‘Okay. Here we go,

O well for him who lives at ease

With garnered gold in wide domain,

Nor heeds the splashing of the rain,

The crashing down of forest trees.

O well for him who ne’er hath known

The travail of the hungry years,

A father grey with grief and tears,

A mother weeping all alone.

But well for him whose foot hath trod

The weary road of toil and strife,

Yet from the sorrows of his life,

Builds ladders to be nearer God.

I think it’s Osca-‘ Neil’s voice continued, but trailed to invisibility in Todd’s mind.

Everything fell silent for Todd. As loud as it may be on the outside, god were his insides silent with fear. Confusion. Infuriation. Worry. How had Neil found that? Was he the reason Todd’s note of the poem was missing? Surely not. It was just a major coincidence. Right? No, probably not. The worst thing of it all is that- is that Neil doesn’t even know that was written on his behalf. Todd was only thinking of him when he found that poem in the book of the library. Shit. What if Neil had read his mind, found the poem and read it tonight to humiliate him? No. Neil was Todd’s friend, he wouldn’t do anything like that. But something he may have done, is find the poem, unknowingly know that it was re-written on a piece of paper for him. Thought it would be good for the meeting, and read it. Maybe on Todd’s behalf or not.

Life snapped back in an instant, ‘Your pretty quiet, Toddsie? What is it? Don’t like the poem?’ Pitts suggested.

‘Of course he liked it Pittsie! He’s probably just thinking, again! Penny for your thoughts, Todd?’ Charlie chuckled.

Oh. Shit. Fuck. Shit. ‘Think of something reasonable, Todd.’ He told himself.

‘U- uhm- good poem,’ he spluttered.

‘Right,’ Pitts and Dalton murmured in unison.

‘JINX!’ Charlie and (once again) Pitts said so much in unison it was creepy.

‘JINX!’

‘JINX AGAIN!’

‘I SAID IT FIRST,’

‘I DID!’

‘You guys are so childish,’ Neil said, saying it so immaturely he was just as guilty.

Todd gulped. This next hour would confuse his brain, a lot.

The next morning was a peaceful Saturday, as Todd woke up, Neil was gone, leaving a note.

‘ Gone somewhere, can’t wait to tell you when i get back’

Todd only realised how complex Neil’s handwriting was. Curvy but at the same time messy. Neil’s hair looks nice mess-

Todd. Come on. Yes it looks cool and actually so soft- not the point. Thoughts and Todd are in a love hate relationship.

‘ P:S : sorry for not asking you before reading the poem. i should have. i was going too, i was just so drunk and-‘

The ‘and’ was crossed out.

‘ not the point, sorry. the point is, i just thought it was really beautiful. AND i was drunk. no one can hold back drunk neil. not even you :)’

Todd’s heart was creasing with butterflies.

‘Not even you,’ he thought to himself.

After reading the note over and over again (and tripping over the bed after no thoughts whatsoever), Todd sat down and worked on his poem. Or stared at it blankly, for that matter. Not a thought trailed through his mind. The ‘note’ his own roommate had written had him trapped in his own delusions. Whatever keeps you to sleep a night I guess, Todd.

We now get to get the perspective of your favourite bisexual, Mr Charlie Dalton (or Nuwanda)

Charlie was in his junior year of Hellton. He had himself quite the reputation, not that it mattered ‘hugely’ to him. He always told himself, ‘As long as you have your close friends, you’ll be fine.’

Right now however, his little ‘motto’ wasn’t positively ‘occurring’. He was perfectly happy with his relationship with Neil. They’d been friends since they were 4, and Neil had always been so friendly, kind and supportive. And Meeks and Pitts. And Cameron. Kind of.

There was just a minor issue for Charlie Dalton.

Knox Overstreet.

Nuwanda had messed up. Big time.

About 2 days before, Knox had got into a fight with Chet Danbury. Chris Noel’s boyfriend. Ginny Danbury’s brother. Charlie decided the reason of it was ridiculous, and blamed his anger on Knox.

‘Look at you! Is she really worth this?’ Charlie complained.

‘Yes Dalton, she is! Chet’s just stupid! You know it.’ Knox replied, annoyed.

‘Y’know, do you ever consider the fact the you might be the stupid one? You kissed the boy’s girlfriend, it’s no suprise this has happened!’ Charlie said, a small amount of regret at the back of his mind that he’s choosing to ignore.

‘I love her Charlie! Do you have an issue with that?’

‘You’re drunk.’ Charlie muttered.

‘No. I’m not! Don’t take it out on me just because you know deep down you’re jealous that you’ll never find anyone like I’ve found Chris.’ Knox raised his voice.

Charlie pulled a sort of ‘ wow’ face. A mixture of shock and anger, hurt and sadness. God. Knox Overstreet isn’t good for a guys ego.

‘Fuck you.’ Charlie left.

Looking back at it, Charlie knew he wasn’t really in the wrong. They probably both were, and Charlie was glad he cried his eyes out alone in his dorm. However, he was just as glad that no one caught him.

Charlie quitted his thoughts of the previous few nights and decided to go and see Neil.

He opened the door to his best friends dorm.

‘Oh. Hi Todd. Neil about?’

‘O- n- no, he went somewhere this morning.’ Todd said.

Thinking about it, Charlie decided now could be good Todd time. So, being himself, he wandered in and chucked himself on Neil’s bed, ‘politely’.

‘O- ,’ He heard Todd stumble.

‘Do you mind if I study in here? I could do with some silent company.’ He said, as if it was his own room.

‘S- sure,’

‘Great!’ Charlie chucked Todd a thumbs up, and opened the books he had bought along on Neil’s bed.

‘See page 35 for the over-‘

Over.

For some reason, that weirdly set Charlie off. Over. Overstreet.

And he just burst into tears. In front of Todd.

‘Oh Charlie-  are you okay?’ Todd whispered as he stood up awkwardly.

Charlie, still sitting helplessly on Neil’s bed, was so done.

‘Its-,’ Charlie sniffled, ‘God. Sorry.’

‘No- it’s okay. Yo- you can talk to me.’

God damn it Todd Anderson. Why do you have to be so ridiculously nice and too kind to turn down?

‘It’s- ,’ Charlie hesitated.

‘Uh- take your time.’ Todd said sincerely.

‘It’s Knox. We had an argument. Over Chris.’

Todd stayed quiet. As if it was an invitation to carry on talking.

‘I said some things, and he said some things. It all just clashed.’ Charlie sighed.

‘Mm.’

‘He’s a really close friend and- and he said I was probably jealous and I just- it really got to me, Todd.’

‘I- keep going.’ Todd said calmly.

So he did. He told Todd everything.

‘Do you think you know why you feel so bad even now?’ Todd suggested.

‘I don’t know. Maybe because I’ve avoided him. Arguments have happened before between us- but- it’s just different this time. I don’t know.’

‘Hm.’

God Todd can just read his mind. He might as well say it now.

‘I- uhm-,’ Charlie gulped.

Todd made a ‘ go on’ sort of face.

‘I think I like him, Todd.’

‘Well I’d talk to him.’ Todd said quietly.

‘I can’t! He’d hate me if I told him and-‘

‘No not that! Just apologise. At least get on his good side.’

‘You’re really bloody kind, Anderson.’

Todd blushed.

And they simply just studied after for about half an hour.

Hope you enjoyed that (I’d like for there to be some character development here so life gets EVEN more exciting for u) now back to our boy Todd.

Todd felt a little sympathetic for Charlie. He’d apologised to Neil a day after. Let alone 3.

Half an hour later, Neil came back, bustling excitedly through the door.

‘Oh wow! Hi Charles!’ He said.

‘Hello Neily,’ Charlie grinned, ‘got yourself quite the charmer roommate here, haven’t you?’

‘Okay, what is that supposed to define?’ Neil looked at the pair, confused.

Todd and Charlie looked at each other funnily.

‘Forgot I asked.’ Neil laughed.

‘What you out for? Any girls?’ Dalton asked.

‘You wish,’ Neil joked, ‘however I should tell you!’

‘Yes?’

‘So I went to Henley hall with my dear friend, Ginny Danbury, and tried out for the main part on this years production!’ Neil said rapidly.

‘Oh my goodness! That’s what you call slick, my friend,’ Charlie said, ‘Ginny huh?’

‘She’s just a friend Charlie. And yes. We both tried out for the play.’

‘Hm! Sounds niceee.’

‘Shush Charlie.’ Neil muttered jokingly.

‘Okok. I better be off now. Thank you Toddsie for our little secret.’ He winked and left the room.

‘What was that all about?’ Neil laughed.

‘Oh I shan’t tell you, Neily. It’s our little secret!’ Todd giggled.

‘Ok then. Oo what’s this!’ Neil pinched the price of paper on Todd’s lap.

‘Neil! Ne-,’ Todd quickly emerged from his seat and attempted to snatch the piece of paper from the boy jumping around the room chaotically, ‘Neil! Give that back!’

‘We are dream- it’s poetry! I’m being chased be Walt Whitman!’ Neil laughed.

‘Neil!’ Todd then, luckily, grabbed the paper out of Neil’s grasp, slightly touching his hand. Whoops.

‘Ugh fine. Boring!’ Neil muttered sarcastically.

‘Am not.’

‘Am so.’

Monday

Todd sat silently in Mr Keating’s class looking directly to the floor. He could hear Knox reading his poem. That wouldn’t help Charlie. Unless they’d sorted it out. But louder than ever was his own thoughts. He didn’t bring his poem to the class. Neil would become suspicious of nothing.

‘Mr Anderson, I see you sitting there in agony!’ Keating said.

Todd gazed up at him. Oh shit. What am I supposed to do?

‘Come on Todd step up. Let’s put you out of your misery.’ Keating suggested.

‘I- I didn’t do it. I didn’t write a poem.’ The only words he could get out. Well done, he thought.

Keating looked at him and raised his eyebrows.

‘Mr Anderson believes that everything inside of him is worthless and embarrassing. Isn’t that right Todd? That’s your worst fear.’

He wasn’t wrong, to be honest. But he wasn’t right.

‘I sound my BARBARIC YAWP over the rooftops of the world’ Mr Keating wrote on the board.

‘Todd, I’d like you to demonstrate a yawp .’

Todd wanted to disintegrate right now. He might’ve well asked him to go flying on a unicorn.

‘Come on! Can’t yawp sitting down! Got to get in yawping stance!’

Todd tugged himself up to the front of the class.

‘A yawp?’

‘Not just any yawp! A barbaric yawp!’

Todd rolled his eyes to purely look cool.

‘Yawp.’ He said, dully.

‘Come on! Louder!’

‘Yawp!’ The class was laughing at him.

‘Oh that a mouse! Come on, louder!’

‘Yawp!’

‘Oh good god boy tell like a man!’

‘YAWP!’ Todd actually had never heard his voice go to that volume before. He’s shocked himself.

‘There it is! You see! You have a barbarian in you after all!’ Keating praised.

‘Now! You don’t get away that easily!’ Keating pointed above the chalkboard.

‘Picture of uncle Walt up there. What does he remind you of? Don’t think, answer. Go on.’

Todd scanned his mental dictionary.

‘A- a madman.’

‘What kind of mad man? Don’t think about it, just answer again!’

‘A- a crazy madman.’

‘Oh you can do better than that! Free up your mind, use your imagination. Say the first thing that pops into your head. Even if it’s total gibberish.’

‘U- uh- a sweaty-toothed madman.’

‘Good god boy there’s a poet in you after all! There- there close your eyes,’ Keating meets his hands with Todd’s eyes, ‘now, describe what you see.’

‘Uh- I close my eyes and his image floats beside me-‘

‘ A sweaty toothed madman.’

‘A sweaty toothed madman with a- a stare the pounds my brain.’

‘Oh that’s excellent! Now give him action! Make him do something!’

‘Hi- his hands reach out and choke me’

‘That’s it!’

‘And all the time he’s mumbling,’

‘What’s he mumbling?’

‘Mumbling truth. L- like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold.’

The class laughs, and Todd opens his eyes with hesitation.

‘Forget them, forget them! Stay with the blanket, tell me about the blanket!’

‘Y- y- you push it, stretch it, it’ll never be enough. You kick at it, beat at it, it’ll never cover any of us.’

Keating has let go by now, but Todd isn’t giving up.

‘F- from the moment we enter crying, to the moment we leave dying,it’ll just cover your face, as you wail and cry and scream.’

Todd opens his eyes , and only looks at Keating, despite he can feel himself being watched. The class claps proudly, and Todd might finally have something to be proud of.

‘Don’t you forget this.’ Keating whispers to him.

Chapter Text

Saturday 12th December

Neils perspective 

Neil sat on his bed, reading his ‘A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream’ script, memorising his lines. He loved even just reading the script, it made him feel so involved and alive. Like he was born for acting and everything behind it. He was born for it.

‘Hey Todd, you know the play is on Tuesday?’ Neil broke the silence (if there was silence, it was usually him who broke it.)

‘Oh!’ Todd replied fondly, facing his head towards Neil’s direction from a sheet of paper on his lap.

‘Yeah! Do you wanna watch it? I was thinking of inviting the boys too- I mean you don’t have too, but yeah. I’m going to ask the others later, but again you don’t have to-‘

‘I’ll go! And I want to!’ Todd cut off the oddly panicked boy.

‘Okay. Good,’ Neil laughed it off, ‘writing more poetry are we?’

‘No-‘

‘What’s keeping your head so stuck to that piece of paper, hmph?’

‘Ju- it’s just a letter,’ Todd muttered, ’to Jeff. He likes to know what’s going on, especially after- after pe- his friend.’

‘Oh.’

‘Oh.’

‘Well I’m going to Charlie’s dorm for a sec, wanna come with?’ Neil suggested.

‘Nah I’ll stay. Cou- could I,’ Todd stumbled.

‘Could you?’ Neil invited him to finish his sentence.

‘C- could I borrow your typewriter? Jeff says he can’t- read my handwriting. Don’t worry if not it’s not a-‘

‘Yes Todd, you can use my typewriter.’ Neil laughed and left the room.

Monday 14th December

Wow. That felt like the longest day of lessons. Neil hadn’t had Keating today, since his lessons actually felt entertaining, they made time pass. So today time passed slower than ever. But now, Neil was soaring down the hill on his bike towards Henley Hall. The cold, december air glided through his hair, and it felt freeing. The bitter breeze hit his face, but it wasn’t painful. It was relieving, and it only excited Neil more for rehearsals. He stood up on the pedals with ease, and felt so alive, so alive because there was so many things to live for.

As he approached the hall, a girl with a warm smile emerged from the car park.

‘Really Neil, you need to stop going so fast down that hill! You might get hurt!’ Ginny Danbury laughed.

‘I know how to ride a bicycle, Ginny!’ Neil replied jokingly.

‘You never know! Anyway, I hope you’ve remembered your lines, I’m sick of telling you them while performing. You real-‘

‘I’ve learnt them. Don’t worry.’ Neil said.

‘Good. Also, I wanted to ask you something.’ Ginny suggested.

‘Oh yeah?’ Neil was not prepared for what came next.

‘Do you wanna go out sometime?’

‘Huh?’

‘Like a date. Chris has been bugging me to get a boyfriend for ages- you don’t have    to-‘ Ginny hesitated.

It felt a little bit wrong for some reason but Neil really thought about it (within 4 seconds, yes). Ginny was really nice. He saw her pretty often. What could hurt seeing her a bit more? Nothing. Go on, Neil. Why not?

‘Sure!’ Neil said as calm as possible.

‘Really?’ Ginny questioned.

‘Yeah, it’ll be fun,’ Neil replied.

‘Okay! Are you free next Sunday?’

‘If I survive the tomorrow night with my parents, we can go out.’ Neil rolled his eyes jokingly.

‘Why wouldn’t you survive, Neil?’ Ginny joked along.

‘They’re just so suppressing. They just expect everything from me. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself.’

The conversation turned serious pretty quickly. Neil wasn’t intending to make it, but it happened anyway.

‘You’ll be fine. I promise,’ Ginny replied with a straight face. She interlinked their arms, ‘come on. Let’s go have some fun!’

Rehearsals were very enjoyable like per usual, and Neil once again let himself get lost in the character of Puck. All of his troubles faded away when he acted. That’s why it felt so surreal.

He went back to Welton, and he knew nothing could stop him now. His feelings hadn’t been this enlightened for ages. He felt enthusiastic for the days ahead, and nothing could stop him.

As he opened the door abruptly, ‘nothing’ was sitting at his desk.

His father.

‘Father..’

‘Neil.’ He said so sternly all of Neil’s high hopes were underground.

‘B- before you say anything pleas-‘

Mr Perry slammed his hand on the desk and stood up, ‘don’t you dare talk back to me.’

‘It’s bad enough,’ Neil’s father said while shaking his head slightly, ‘that you’ve wasted your time with this- this absurd acting business. But you deliberately deceive me. H- how- how did you expect so get away with this?’

His voice sounded like poison.

‘Answer me!’ He continued, a pause.

‘Who put you up to this? Was it this new man? Th- this Mr Keating?’ Mr Perry complained.

‘N- no! Nobody p- I thought I’d suprise you! I’ve gotten all A’s in every cl-‘ Neil defended.

‘You really thought I wasn’t going to find out? Oh my niece is in a play with you son! Says Mrs Marks No no no I say. You must be mistaken my sons not in a play.’ His father empathised the word ‘play’, in a cruel, mean way.

‘You made a liar out of me Neil!’ He rose his voice.

Neil couldn’t find any words. He had been so happy and proud of where he had came. Suddenly he felt sullen and ashamed.

‘Now tomorrow, you go to them, and you tell them that you’re quitting.’

‘No- I can’t! I have the main part! The performance is tomorrow night!’ Neil protested.

‘I don’t care if the world comes to an end tomorrow night you are through with that play.’ Mr Perry demanded, ‘is that clear?’

‘Is that clear!?’ The father shouted.

‘Yes sir.’ Neil gulped. He had had everything with this play. And now he had nothing.

And with that, his father walked towards the door.

‘I made a great many sacrifices to get you here Neil. And you will not let me down.’

‘No sir.’ Neil replied, holding back his tears. He wasn’t going to cry infront of his father.

Once he’d left, Neil talked to Mr Keating. He told him about the conversation, and having to quit the play. The teacher told him to tell his father how he felt. And that the play really was all what Neil wanted. So he did. And though he did succeed, the mental pain in Neil’s chest pulled him into feeling guilty. It wasn’t the fact that he was now suddenly allowed to do the play. It was something else, but he couldn’t quite establish it.

Tuesday 15th December

‘And… done!’

Everyone in the hall clapped. That was it. The last ever rehearsal until the real thing. Neil felt like he was on another dimension. He had come this far. Then, he felt a pat on his back.

‘Well done!’ A familiar female voice said.

‘Thank you, thank you,’ Neil bowed with a smile.

‘I can’t wait. I’m a bit nervous, but I literally cannot wait.’ Ginny exclaimed.

‘Ah you have nothing to worry about! You’re really good on stage and you know it.’ Neil laughed.

‘You flatter me, Neil Perry!’ Ginny teased.

Neil laughed. And then he thought about what the boys would be doing now. Getting ready, he hoped. This play meant everything to Neil, and he just hoped the poets would understand it as much as he did.

‘Go on, you need to get ready! Puck is awaiting you!’ Ginny said, gesturing towards the changing rooms.

About 2 hours later

‘It’s nearly starting!’ Yelled a woman to the people backstage.

Neil took a deep breath, this was it. Emotions flooded his body. Excitement, happiness and a tiny bit of nervous energy (positive nervous energy).

‘Go on Puck. You’re starting.’ Ginny smiled.

This was it.

Puck crept onto the stage, glancing around at the scene. He heard a few voices cheering, and hoped it was the poets. Then, another joined him on stage. Together, they approached the front of the stage. Before saying his line, Neil took a glance at the crowd, and almost immediately spotted the boys. Charlie, Pitts, Meeks , Richard, Mr Keating and… Todd. They’d all got themselves nice and put together but Todd… wow-

‘Puck-‘ the girl next to him whispered and snapped him into reality. Oh god. No one saw that.

Eventually, the scene was over and Neil had a bit of time to look at everything from backstage. He spotted the boys again, he spotted Todd again… he looked so peaceful. He’d combed his hair back, and it looked really… presentable (this was the only word Neil ‘came up with’). Even from where Neil was he could see the shimmer of curiosity in Todd’s eyes. The boy always looked alert, but sitting down, watching the play, he looked.. at ease. Overall, it was a beautiful sight. Neil just wouldn’t accept it. Neil’s eyes then trailed to Knox, and a girl next to him. Most likely Chris Noel. His eyes glanced to the door. It opened.

His father.

Oh.

Neil knew what he’d have to do. Make the last scene as good as possible to convince Mr Perry that acting was more than just ‘absurd business’.

So that’s what Neil did.

‘ If we shadows have offended,

Think but this and all is mended,

That you have but slumbered here

As these visions did appear,

And this weak and idle theme

No more yielding but a dream,

Gentles, do not reprehend

If you pardon,

We will mend,

And as I is an honest puck

If we have unearned luck,

Now to scape the serpents tounge,

We will make amends

Else the pucks liar call,

So goodnight unto you all,

Give me your hands,if we be friends,

And Robin shall restore amends.’

The curtain came down, and almost straight away Neil was flooded by people and applause. Everyone got in line, and the curtain rose once again. The crowd roared with cheering, and Neil heard many ‘YAWPS’ from the boys. His smile was stretching cheesily over his face, but he didn’t care. He was happier than ever.

15 minutes later though, oh how times had changed.

‘Neil, your father…’ the voice was sympathetic.

Neil stepped outside the curtain, smiling at the hope that his father might let him ‘stay with acting’, but when he was faced with the stern, gut wrenching stare of his father, he really had no hope. His smile faded as his insides curled.

He followed his father through the crowd, ignoring the voices of congratulations.

‘N- Neil! You have the gift! What a performance! You left even mespeechless-‘ Keating said with pride.

‘Get in the car,’ a cold voice said. ‘Keating, you stay away from my son.'

‘Neil!’ He heard Charlie plead.

‘Don’t make things any worse than they already are.’ His father sternly replied.

The Perry House

Neil and his father walked solemnly into the office. His mother smoking, looking sorry for herself. Neil’s father faced him.

‘We’re not going to let you ruin your life.

Tomorrow I’m withdrawing you from Welton, and enrolling you into Brighton military school. You’re going to go to Harvard, and you’re going to be a doctor.’

Neil stared at him helplessly. His heart sank, and his eyes gazed heavily towards his father. He had no words to describe how he felt. He felt so badly shocked the words wouldn’t exist. He looked at his mother, and when the eyes met, she hesitated in her body language.

‘But that’s 10 more years.. father that’s a lifetime!’ Neil protested.

‘Oh stop it! Don’t be so dramatic. You make it sound like a prison term.’

The silence crept throughout the room mockingly.

‘You don’t understand, Neil. You have opportunities that I never even dreamt of and I am not going to let you wa-‘

‘I’ve got to tell you how I feel!’ Neil stood up. How on earth would this work.

‘What?’

‘We’ve been so worried-‘

‘What? Tell me what you feel,’ Mr Perry shouted, ‘what is it?’

Even. More. Silence.

‘Is it more of th- this acting business?’ He said it like it was an outrage, ‘because you can forget that.’ He said coldly.

‘What?’ He whispered.

Neil shrugged helplessly, ‘nothing.’

‘Nothing?’ His father was annoyed. After what felt like days of silence, his father stormed out of the room. Neil’s mother came over to where Neil was sitting.

‘I was good. I was really good.’

Neil wanted to flip off the sofa and run away.

‘Come on get some sleep.’ His mother whispered back.

When Neil got into his room, a small lamp lit up the corner. The bed was made carefully, and fresh pyjamas layed on the sheets. The wooden floorboards creaked, and Neil placed his coat and headpiece on a small desk chair. He thought back to when little Neil would sit on it, drawing all day to go downstairs and listen to his parents arguing. His childhood was fine, but the memories of his house weren’t appealing. It felt haunted.

Half an hour later, Neil knew it was time.

He approached his window with his crown of sticks and vibrant, small berries, and opened it with caution. He looked outside. The snow blanketed the ground so perfectly. No footsteps were indented into the white, glittering winter. It was so beautiful. The frosty air hit Neil’s chest and it tingled spitefully. But the sight was gorgeous. He might not ever see anything this beautiful again.

He placed the crown delicately on his head, and closed his eyes and enjoyed his own presence. Slowly, he tiptoed over the floorboards and approached the old, oak door and twisted the doorknob carefully. He walked out into the landing and guided himself with the touch of his fingers towards the stairs. The wallpaper was patterned. Neil had always hated it, and he assumed his mother did too by the sight of her face when she bought it. Neil crept down the stairs, avoiding the creaks. He looked over to his father’s office. He stepped inside, and sat himself on the chair, feeling the material with his fingers. Appreciating the touch beneath them. He grabbed the key to the drawer.

Carefully, he pulled out the cloth coated gun.

But then, a voice.

A voice in Neil’s head. It was.. Todd.

Neil couldn’t quite make out what he was saying, but it was him. Todd’s voice. In Neil’s head.

A sharp force hit Neil, that he shouldn’t do this. To not pull that trigger. The force dragged heavily in his chest. Todd’s voice was still there.  Maybe- just maybe- he should stay.

‘N- Neil!’ His mother’s voice.

Neil woke up suddenly.

He looked at his surroundings. The office carpet. The desk. The desk chair. And..

his fathers.. gun.

‘Neil- what is this-‘ his mother was on the verge of tears, ‘oh Neil..’

‘I-‘ Neil stuttered.

‘Don’t worry- I’ll talk to your father- it’s not fair what he’s doing- and this- I- please stay here.’ Neil’s mother was crying.

Wednesday 16th December

(Todd’s perspective)

Todd hadn’t slept. After Neil got dragged away from his father, he had a gut feeling something bad was going to happen. The performance was great, but after he just couldn’t stop feeling guilty for Neil. He was worried. Then, Meeks walked in.

‘Hey- Todd?’ He whispered.

‘Meeks?’

‘Yeah hi. I just wanted to tell you Neil won’t be back until Friday. He’s sick or something, but we’d just thought we’d tell you.’

O- uh- thanks.’ Is all Todd could get out.

So, Meeks left, and Todd wondered. He was sick? It sure didn’t seem like that last night. His instincts told him that something was wrong. But he couldn’t do anything about it. So instead, he just sat there, and gazed out of the window at the falling snow. He’d get dressed soon and go to class, and think about Neil. For hope, obviously.

Friday 18th December 

To Todd, the technically two days without Neil had took so long that he thought he might never see him again.

But he did see him again.

Late in the evening, at about 11, Neil Perry entered their dorm alone with many suitcases. Todd woke up, as much as Neil tried to be quiet.

‘Neil?’ Todd whispered.

Neil jumped a bit, and looked over at him. Todd felt a redness rush to his cheeks, but the room was dark enough for Neil not to see.

‘Todd! Wait- go back to sleep!’ He hushed.

‘Do you need help unpacking?’ Todd offered, ignoring Neil’s request.

‘Nono- you go to bed.’ Neil suggested once again.

‘Wow. You really hate my presence that much! Thanks Perry.’ Todd joked.

‘No I didn’t- Okay then, Anderson. You can help me unpack.’ Neil smiled.

Todd hopped out of bed, and hesitantly reached towards Neil’s suitcase.

‘Wait- can I just- unpack?’ Todd asked.

‘Yeah sure! Just put anything anywhere.’ Neil replied.

The pair unpacked together, and eventually flopped back on their own beds, sleep overtaking them.

The next morning was peaceful. A Saturday.

Todd opened his eyes wearily, and gazed over to Neil’s bed. Once again, he wasn’t there. It confused Todd how Neil ever woke up so early and managed to make his bed without waking the boy up.

He then heard muttering from Charlie’s dorm. Slowly, Todd lifted himself up and approached the room. About to walk in, he overheard their conversation.

‘So Neil’s having a ‘thing’ with Ginny Danbury huh?’ He heard Meeks say.

‘You really make it sound illegal.’ Neil laughed back.

‘Well it’s not our fault you’re the first to find a girlfriend!’

‘Shut up, Nuwanda!’ Neil chuckled.

Todd’s heart sank. Neil? A girlfriend? He couldn’t find out what he was feeling. Sadness? Maybe. Joy? No way. Hurt? Maybe. There was one more thing in there that Todd wouldn’t accept.

Envy?

Chapter Text

Click.

Todd had been listening to Neil and Charlie’s conversation for approximately 5 minutes. Todd had also decided - within them - they may have been the worst 5 minutes of his life. Worse than the 5 minutes with Peter. Worse than the 2 hours of the drive to Welton.

The ‘click’ returned him to reality.

‘Yeah I- oh hey Toddsie!’ It was Charlie, ‘I was just gonna come get you! Now, what do you think about… Neil and Ginny! ’

‘Huh- oh- great, hm.’ Todd spat out. He’d have to find an excuse for stalking outside the door for ages. His brain wasn’t functioning, shit.

‘Charlie- could I actually- talk to you quick?’ Todd suggested.

‘Oh yeah sure!’ Charlie replied, closing his dorm door and leaving himself and Todd standing in the silent corridor.

‘What’s up?’ Charlie said, unbothered.

‘Uh- I just wanted to ask, and you don’t have to answer, but how are you and- Knox? Last time you spoke about it you- you seemed really down.’ Todd said as if Charlie wouldn’t remember the breakdown he had in the boy’s bedroom.

‘Oh- uh,’

‘You don’t have- to reply or anything-‘ Todd already regretted his decision.

‘Nono- it’s okay. Well, we sorted it out. But I’m still pissed. At myself really. Because I can’t get over the sod. But I also can’t get over his sodding ego.’

Todd only laughed, it was all that was needed, really. Charlie did his ‘nuwanda’ grin.

‘How are he and Chris?’ Todd asked.

‘I’m not sure. Cam said they had an argument but of course he didn’t tell me himself. And I’m glad he didn’t , because it’d only make me more unrealistically hopeful.’

‘And I thought I was pessimistic.’ Todd joked.

Charlie rolled his eyes and went back into his dorm, and Neil walked out after him.

‘What was that all about?’ Neil smiled.

God. That damn smile. Todd had laughed with Charlie, but seeing Neil reminded him of the conversation he was ‘overhearing’. Todd wanted to give up. He wanted to melt on the spot like a snowman.

‘Nothing.’ Todd said with no emotion.

‘Todd! You can’t put it all on Neil!’ He told himself. Shortly after, he told himself, ‘however..’

‘So you and Ginny huh?’ Todd asked in the most ‘friendly’ possible manner he could.

Neil gulped and looked at Todd funnily. A look Todd couldn’t make out at all. His mouth looked speechless, but so full of words that were forbidden to say. His nostrils flared the slightest, as if to represent anger, his eyebrows tilted and confused. His eyes… his eyes so full of sympathy ; suffocated in pain and hesitation. And then his lips, which Todd only noticed vaguely because he couldn’t look too long at his roommate’s lips, trembled weakly in.. regret?

‘Well- yeah I- she just asked me out so I- yeah.’ Neil stumbled.

‘Oh.’ Todd nodded slightly, and walked back into their room, Neil following him and plodding himself on Todd’s bed. Todd looked at him, startled, but just sat on his desk and pulled out some trigonometry homework.

‘Hey, so me and Nuwanda were just talking about the Danbury’s christmas party. Ginny’s parents are away and she said I could invite anyone. Wanna come? All the poets are going as well so you’d have plenty of company!’ Neil suggested.

‘Oh- I- I’m not sure, I don’t really do parties.’ Todd muttered.

‘C’mon! It’d be fun! I want you to be there!’

The thought of going to a party just to sit in a quiet room staring at his best friend from afar talking to his girlfriend filled Todd’s brain. To him, it sounded pretty boring. But, Neil wanted him to be there.

‘Maybe- I don’t know.’ Todd whispered.

There was a few seconds of silence, and Todd felt dark, brown eyes on him. He turned to face Neil.

‘Please!’ Neil pouted.

‘What date is it?’ Todd asked.

‘Wednesday 23rd,’ Neil said, ‘please go!’

‘Fine!’ Todd mumbled.

‘Yes! You’re an angel, Anderson!’ Neil jumped up approached Todd. Weirdly, he placed his hands on Todd’s shoulders, and just smiled. The warmth of Neil relaxed Todd into a pure fondness. (It was all totally platonic, of course).

The next few days boosted Todd into a genuine good mood. Winter break made the building more peaceful. It was so surreal ; a place with usual chaos so quiet and calming. Charlie and Pitts were the only poets who had returned home, but Neil made it clear they were to go to the party. In a way, it relieved Todd that the poets were all going to the Danbury’s. They were more excuses Todd had to get out of any unwelcome and awkward situations, and general company. Todd also progressed with his poem, despite the assignment from Keating being over ages ago.

‘And still we sleep.’

He’d gotten a few more ideas for it, and was debating showing Neil, but for now it could still be his own focus. Todd had spoken to Charlie over the phone, and Dalton told him how Chris had told Knox to never show himself again after another argument, and the fact Knox phoned him to tell him. Todd decided the phone call should’ve been called ‘major charlie pining and delusions’. He was also aware that both Knox and Chris were attending the party, and prayed to himself it wouldn’t cause any drama in Chris’ boyfriend’s house. All of Todd’s worries and anxieties linked up.

Eventually, the 23rd did make an appearance.

Wednesday 23rd December

5:00 pm

‘Okay does it look better..’ Neil turned to face Todd, ‘like this,’ he drifted his fingers through his hair, making it ‘slicked’ , ‘or this?’ he messed up his hair, and it looked SO much better in Todd’s opinion.

Todd blushed. He had to admit, Neil did look good, both ways, and he just wanted to place a delicate finger on Neil’s soft, brown, gorgeous hair- shit he’s staring.

‘Uh- messy. I think.’ Todd turned around after what felt like an hour of intense eye contact.

‘Okay great.’

‘I’m gonna go change.’ Todd stared quietly, gesturing towards the door and leaving.

He’d hoped Neil wouldn’t ever question why he didn’t just change in their room. Neil always did, but Todd always scurried away to hibernate himself when getting changed.

‘Hey Todd-‘ Neil said.

Todd turned around , slightly startled.

‘It is allowed for you to change in our room y’know?’ Neil suggested.

‘Oh- I-‘ Todd stuttered. Crap. Now he’d have to change in his own room with Neil lingering in the back, probably silently judging him, and eyeing his ugly scars.

‘I do it!’ Neil carried on.

‘Oh- I just- privacy.’

‘Suit yourself!’ And he crept back into their room, as Todd walked the opposite way to the changing rooms.

Once he’d changed, he glared into the mirror. He wore his one of only few beige baggy trousers, a long sleeved buttoned up white shirt and a dark red tie. He didn’t think he looked to ‘put together’ to the point he might look like he’s going to a wedding. It was just a… ‘casual party’ look.

He walked back to the dorm, and knocked on the door.

‘Are you decent?’ Todd mumbled.

‘Yup!’ He heard Neil from the other side.

As Todd fiddled with his tie as he walked in, the room was still and awkward. Todd looked up, and Neil almost looked speechless.

‘You look- that outfit really suits you!’ Neil sputtered.

‘Thanks.’ Todd said, finally perfecting his tie.

‘Ready to go, boys?’ They heard Keating shout from the corridor. The teacher had agreed to drop and pick them up in his car, after much persuasion from Knox.

‘Let’s go!’ Neil darted to the door, and held it open for Todd.

Todd rolled his eyes at him, and met Meeks, Knox and Cameron in the corridor. Together they all walked outside into the night.

‘Charlie! Pittsie!’ Neil saw them first, he ran and greeted them as if he hadn’t seen them in years. It was a beautiful sight.

‘Come on boys!’ Keating gestured them to the car. And with that, they drove to the Danbury’s.

Chapter Text

Knock. Knock.

The 7 boys stood outside the grand house. Todd could hear Rock And Roll Music by Chuck Berry playing loudly from inside, and someone finally the door opened after Knox’s repetitive attempts of knocking.

A short haired blonde, who Todd recognised as Chris answered the door.

‘Knox…’

‘Uhm- Neil he-‘ Knox really was struggling here.

Neil abruptly stepped forward to introduce himself.

‘Hiya- I’m Neil. Ginny’s- Gi-‘ for some reason the words weren’t working.

‘Oh Neil! Oh uh- yes come on in guys!’ Chris smiled.

The boys entered. Todd looked around and accepted his fate of the next 5 hours of sweat, humans and loudness. At this point, the house didn’t look too insufferable, so Todd turned to face the boys (who weren’t there). Todd quickly panicked now that he was on his own. Think, Todd think. Maybe they’d be getting a drink. Yep. The next half an hour would be fine.

Yes, the next half an hour was fine. But the next 2 hours, was exactly how Todd dreaded it to be. Condensation of so many people’s alcoholic breath stuck on everyone’s skin, music pounded through the house and Todd felt if he could faint. Couples were on the sofa, making out so aggressively their faces might fall off, and Todd wanted to dissolve in a ball. He needed a drink. He dumbly made that decision only 1 hour in. Man was he pissed. Like out of his mind drunk. His shirt was untucked and the top two buttons had ‘undone’ themselves and Todd’s tie hung loose around his neck. He really was really rocking the ‘I’m so drunk and I need another drink’ look pretty well.

He felt faint. He couldn’t make out who anyone was, and he wandered mindlessly up the stairs and meandered through the people. He just needed to find a restroom, immediately. He tried one door. Locked. He tried another one, and he expectedly found another couple eating one another’s faces off. He tried one last door. His jaw dropped at the sight he has just walked in on.

Ginny Danbury and.. Chris Noel. Kissing.

Todd quite obviously didn’t worry about it, but his mind did really start to wander. What about Knox? What about Chet? And what about Neil?

He quickly closed the door and startled himself at how quickly he did it, spinning himself out a bit. After he brought himself a little bit back to life, he just hurried downstairs, and got another drink. He plodded drunkenly through the house and sat himself on a sofa, right in the center of the lounge. The atmosphere was not his ideal place, but at this moment he did not care. He did not give one-

Wait-

That’s-

Tonight was full of surprises for Todd.

On a small one person chair, was Charlie and Knox. Eating eachothers faces.

Todd stared a bit too much. He was happy for Charlie, after weeks of pining but, Knox was inlove with Chris just two hours ago. Was it done as a drunk decision? Was it a dare? Todd felt bad for questioning it but he guessed it wouldn’t have great consequences in the morning. But it wasn’t his business. ‘Just keep out of it.’ He told himself as he rolled his eyes. He took a final swig of his drink, and decided he had to get out of this building. He made his way to the back door and stepped outside. The cold air tingled against his body, and the snow fell lightly on his hair, coating it slightly. He saw a figure sitting on a bench in the distance. Head in his hands, and only noticeable from the light emerging from the house. The bench was far away from the house, and Todd told himself, ‘why not, let’s go see who it is.’

As Todd approached, the figure turned around and Todd’s heart dropped. Neil. Todd could only just make him out, and couldn’t see where his eyes were gazing towards, but he felt eyes on him. Neil stood up, and the light hit his face, and Todd could make out red, puffy eyes and a tear streaming down his face. A push of guilt hit Todd. The tear reached Neil’s cheekbone, and trailed down his jawline, then neck. His eyes were bloodshot and his expression was  sullen and he didn’t look like his normal, happy Neil. His lips trembled and for a second, Todd couldn’t keep his eyes off the gorgeous boy. He just wanted to give him a hug, wipe his tears away for him, hold him. He just accepted it then. Todd Anderson had fell for Neil Perry.

Todd smiled, but it soon enough faded.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Neil raised his voice.

‘Hu- what?’ Todd’s heart was on the floor now.

‘Ginny and Chris- and Charlie- why didn’t you tell me?’ Neil said angrily.

‘I thought you knew- I- you weren’t around.’ Todd stuttered.

‘Can you actually speak up? It’s not fucking difficult.’ Neil complained.

‘I- you- I didn’t think you cared.’ Todd said, louder this time.

‘You don’t think I care about my- my g-‘ Neil quietened.

‘You can’t even say it, Neil! And I don’t know why it’s such a big deal!’ Todd protested.

‘It’s a big deal because Ginny obviously doesn’t care about me- and I could always talk to her and- and I’d talk to you but I don’t want to worry you and the poets wouldn’t understand and I just-‘ Neil shouted.

‘I’m sorry Neil but that’s your fault! Let Charlie and Ginny be happy! It’s not like you don’t have any friends.’ Todd snapped.

‘Yeah. At least I actually have them,’ Neil snapped back, spitefully, ‘it’s not my fault you’re a fag.’

Silence.

The way Neil said it broke Todd, like, he really emphasised it, in the worst way possible. Neil gulped immediately, but didn’t say anything. Todd was just as speechless.

Todd tightened his grip on his glass, rum swishing inside. Todd’s mind made a decision for him, and almost instantly he threw the alcohol in his cup all over Neil. The boy flinched and made a small sound.

‘Fuck you.’ Todd very clearly stated. And he walked away. Tears immediately flooded his face as he got back to the house.

10:00 pm

Thank god. Keating was outside and Todd made his way through the crowded house still crying, and he felt a hand on his shoulder.

‘Todd…’ It was Meeks.

Todd gave up. He just flopped in Meeks arms and cried. How had he ended up like this? Meeks put his arm around the sobbing boy and lead them both to the door.

‘S’okay.’ He whispered.

Todd stepped in the front, tears streaming from his eyes every few often, and Keating just occasionally let out a ‘it’ll be okay’ and ‘you’ll be fine.’ But it was on his kind, warm manner. Todd just sniffled as they waited for the other boys to emerge from the house.

Eventually they all did. Neil seated himself in the back, his eyes still puffy as he must’ve cried once again. Luckily everyone was drunk enough to not notice the tension between them.

The thing that made Todd cry the most was the fact that he still liked Neil. And Neil probably hated him. But Todd still just wanted to hold him. Apologise and sleep in eachothers arms, but no. Neil hated Todd for what he was, Neil hated Todd for shouting at him. And he was technically still dating Ginny.

When they got back, Neil hurried back to the dorm first. Todd walked around the ground’s solemnly on his own in the dark, giving his roommate time to ‘sleep’ so they could both get away without talking to each other. Eventually, about an hour later, he made his way into the dorm. Luckily, Neil was asleep. And annoyingly, he was sleeping like an angel. The small light from outside made Neil’s face visible, and Todd melted on the spot. Todd had come to terms that he probably liked Neil, but he wasn’t certain. His brown hair lingered in Todd’s view and he just wanted to touch it. Embrace his friend , and tell him every secret of Todd’s. But he also wanted to bear the shit out of him. He was so wrong for what he did. Todd felt a cold tear fall again. He sighed, Neil was so important to him. And now he’d slipped away from his hold,and broke his heart.

Todd walked towards the showers rather than his room. He already knew what was going to happen. When he got to the changing rooms, his breath had already hitched and became uneasy. His anxiety took over his body in his panic attack, and his body fell down into the corner.

The door opened.

‘Todd?’ Neil’s voice said.

‘Go away.’ Todd whispered.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Okay.’

‘I am. I didn’t mean it at all.’ Neil protested.

‘Right.’ Todd said, tiredly.

‘Can I get more than one word answers?’ Neil asked.

‘No.’

Neil came round the corner and met Todd’s eyes. His face immediately melted when he realised the other boy had been crying.

‘Can I tell you something if you tell me something?’ Neil whispered.

‘Hmph.’ Todd looked down.

‘I- after the play I-‘

Todd looked up at this. Shit. Maybe this was serious. Neil was tearing up.

‘I had an argument with my father and-‘

‘Go on.’ Todd said softly. Its like all his anger faded away in the second.

‘We had an argument and I- I tried to shoot myself..’ his voice went quiet and cracked, ‘I wanted to kill myself.. and I- it was you- your voice that made me stay.’

Todd couldn’t keep his eyes off of Neil’s. He gulped and felt so shocked. He just hugged him. Two boys sitting on a cold floor sobbing and holding each other. It made Todd more emotional with Neil in his arms. The boys warmth was so precious. Todd knew it was platonic, and his heart physically hurt. After about a minute of beautiful silence, Todd let go.

‘I had a bad relapse last year. My scars are still visible. S’why I get changed on my own.’ Todd said, confident yet sad. Neil deserved to hear it.

‘Can I- can I see them?’ Neil asked politely, very quietly.

Todd gulped. They were both drunk. Neil also deserved to see them. Without thinking, Todd removed his shirt slowly and moved his arm round, his scars pink and noticeable. He felt the other boys eyes on them, and he felt insecure, but it was Neil. And out of anyone, it was Neil that Todd felt most comfortable with.

‘They- they’r-‘ Neil just admired them.

‘I know- they look disgusting-‘ Todd’s voice cracked.

‘Nono! They’re part of you. Don’t be ashamed, you- you’re-‘ Neil said peacefully.

Neil lifted a soft finger, ‘can I-?’

Todd nodded slightly. When Neil’s finger met his skin, the warmth tingled throughout his body. Neil was so soft in his touch, and Todd’s skin ‘ goosebumped’. It was beautiful. Like some sort of scene from a book Todd's read.

‘Sorry for the rum thing.’ Todd said.

At his speech, Neil drew his finger back from Todd’s skin.

‘S’ok, I deserved it.’ He whispered back.

‘Not really.’ Todd said. Goosebumps blanketed his bare skin. He felt Neil’s eyes on him. And his next move was totally done by the alcohol he’d consumed.

Todd moved his hand onto Neil’s cheek, a smoothness in between his fingers. He pulled the boy closer and kissed him. Neil was hesitant, and Todd couldn’t tell what was wrong or right. When their lips met, it felt like the thing Todd was missing. The last piece to the puzzle.

But Neil pulled back.

The look on his face was unclear. A similar look to his face when Todd mentioned Ginny. Shock in his eyes , confusion in his eyebrows and his lips trembling. Did that really just happen? 

Todd wasn’t sure if this was what Neil was feeling. He had no idea. He was drunk. It probably meant nothing.

Todd hurriedly got up and basically ran to the door, and he again wanted to dissolve. He left the room, guilty, certainly drunk and embarrassed. He’d kissed his best friend. Neil Perry. And he also walked away.

Chapter Text

Falling.

Falling through an endless, pitch black void. Todd reached up, tried shouting for help, but his voice wouldn’t project, and no one was there to catch him. It felt as if gravity no longer existed, but also it felt like the force of gravity was so strong Todd would never stop falling until he reached the core of the planet. When was this dread going to stop?

At once, Todd’s body slammed against an invisible floor. The boy panicked and looked around him.  Nothing. He looked the other side. Nothing. As he looked to his right, he saw something. Emerging from the emptiness were 4 figures. Before Todd could make out who they were, voices from their mouths echoed around the non-existent room.

‘How on earth do you expect to get away with this? Huh? We can’t have a homosexual son!’ The voice of Todd’s own mother said.

She would never say that!

‘How disgusting! We should’ve done something since Peter. We can’t have a queer ruining our family reputation!’ Todd’s father projected in disbelief.

Todd gulped. They made everything sound so insufferable, as if Todd didn’t know what dealing with it made him feel.

‘Toddsie, this isn’t right! Just kiss a girl - you’ll feel better, mate.’ Jeffery forced a laugh.

What? Jeff supported him on this! And who told his parents he was actually gay? Todd took a deep breath as his eyes welled up with salty tears.

The last voice was unexpected, Todd’s tears eventually emerged when the voice did.

‘Ew Todd. I’m not like that. Don’t be a weirdo, what made you think I was a queer? Not me, you should know that!’ Neil’s voice echoed.

Todd curled himself up on a ball, sulking uncontrollably.

‘N- no- I don’t- le- let me go, p- please.’ He whispered to himself.

The voices of the group just got louder and mocked Todd’s ears, he just hid his face in his knees.

‘Queer.’

‘Disgusting.’

‘Fag.’

Damn.

Todd woke up abruptly and quickly sat up in his bed. His breathing was heavy, and he looked over at… Neil’s bed. He wasn’t there. Fuck, fuck and fuck. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Todd got crowded with a horrible, familiar feeling. He slipped off his bed, and sat against it on the floor, his knees sliding up so he could hug his legs, and nestle his head in between them. He looked over to his desk, and contemplated his next move. He slowly stood up, and solemnly walked over to his desk, looking at the drawer hesitantly. He reached out for the handle with his hand and twisted the handle slowly, and as he opened it being faced with a tiny, yet powerful razor blade. Todd had been grateful to of been able to forget that sight, but he felt as if he might get used to it. Todd picked it up, angry with himself from the past few hours. He had acknowledged his headache from the past moments of pure alcohol, but ignored it, he knew he deserved it. (You don’t deserve it, Todd, you just wont tell yourself that). With the blade in his hand, he returned to his original position on the floor. Without hesitation, tears rolled from his eyes down his rosey, teenager cheeks, and he wiped them away aggressively.

‘S- stop crying.’ Todd muttered to himself, angry at himself, once again.

Todd lifted the short sleeve of his pyjama shirt to glide a finger over his scars. A few hours ago, it was Neil. Todd believed he’d never show himself to anyone ever again. As he cried, his vision went blurry, yet he still saw the glimmer of the silver blade, and he stared at it for a while. And he started questioning himself. Would he ever see Neil again? Was he a reason for Neil’s attempt? Did Neil even like Ginny? Did Neil even like him as a person? Would Neil be embarrassed of him?

Every question falling back to Ne-

‘Todd? Oh god Todd are you okay?’ Charlie’s voice got closer rapidly straight after the door opened.

What was he doing here at 3am?

‘Hey Todd, it’s okay.’ Charlie whispered.

Todd sniffled and as much as having Charlie there, his anxiety shot up. What about the blade? What about his scars?

‘I- I’m sorry-.’ Todd sulked quietly.

‘S’ok, s’ok.’ Charlie said as he sat next to the boy. He somehow carefully and kindly snatched the blade out of Todd’s fingers and placed it on his own side, rather than near Todd. Slowly, he put his arm around Todd’s shoulder for comfort. Todd flinched.

‘Oh fuck sorry.’ Charlie cursed quietly, not in a rude way, but a sympathetic way.

Todd’s breath got heavier, his tears flowed faster and his sniffles were consistent. He was embarrassing himself further and he wanted to become dust on books rather than having to deal with human emotions.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Nuwanda suggested.

‘Uh- I-.’

‘We don’t have too- sorry.’ Charlie said.

‘Thanks.’ Todd sniffed.

And for about 20 minutes, the pair sat on the stone cold floor, crying and platonically hugging.

The next morning Todd was woken by muttering in the corridors. He tried to make out the voices. Nolan? Hager? Was that.. Mr Keating? Todd got up and put his ear to the door.

‘He shall be informed when he wakes up. He should know immediately, and probably should be sent home.’

‘Yes, yes. Hopefully he doesn’t deal with it too badly.’

Oh god. Fuck. What had happened?

Todd waited about half an hour before he went outside.

As he opened the door, he was almost immediately swooped away by Dr. Hager.

‘Sorry Todd. Someone needs to speak to you on the phone.’

Todd nodded. What. Had. Happened?

As they approached the phone at the bottom of the hall where the only phone was located, Mr. Keating stood, holding the phone and looking sympathetic and morose.

‘Sorry, Todd.’

Todd gulped and looked at him. Todd’s eyes were red and puffy from the few hours before, and he didn’t know what he’d do with more bad news. His teacher passed him the telephone and Todd hesitantly put it against his ear.

‘H-hello?’ He whispered.

‘Todd…’ Jeffery’s voice came out.

‘Jeff?’ Todd questioned quietly , ‘what’s going on?’

‘It’s mother…’

‘Wh- huh?’

‘She’s-,’ Jeff paused, ‘she’s de- she’s gone…’

Todd didn’t say anything. He had no words. Surely this wasn’t true. Jeff wouldn’t… She wouldn’t…

‘N- no!’ Todd muttered.

‘M’ sorry.’ Jeff was crying now.

‘Why? H- how?’ Todd sniffled.

‘She- um- she suffered a heart attack, Todd. It was quick. I’m here if you need, we are brothers, going through this together.’

Todd gulped. Yes they were brothers, but they’d never ‘gone through’ anything together. Todd was just Todd. Jeff was the amazing child. No one cared about Todd.

‘You can come home for a bit if you want.’ Jeff suggested.

The thought of home didn’t appeal to Todd, but it probably would appeal to his current health. Proper food for once. Decent support from Jeff. Not having to deal with people.

‘I- I think I will.’

‘Okay good. I miss you. Welton are allowing you to leave when you wish.’

‘C- can- I-‘ Todd was still stumbling over his words. The realisation of what was actually happening was starting to hit now.

‘Yeah?’ The older Anderson brother whispered.

‘Can I leave this morning?’

‘Yeah! You’ll just have to check with Dr. Hager, m’ sure he’ll drive you.’

‘Ok.’ Todd sighed.

What. The. Fuck.

For a while, Todd sat on his bed and cried. To be honest, he had every right too. He’d spoken to Dr. Hager, and he’d leave to return home in about half an hour. Welton had agreed not to tell the boys anything, as Todd was confident no one would notice he even left for a few days, considering it was winter break. Todd also hadn’t seen Neil since… the changing room thing, and he did find himself wondering where he could be. He’d seen all of the poets but Neil enter the changing rooms, but they didn’t see him. Luckily, anyway.

‘Todd, are you ready to leave?’ A voice came from the other side of the door.

‘Uh- yeah.’ Todd gathered his bags and suitcases, and left.

‘Here let me take one of those.’ The voice was Keating.

‘Thanks.’ Todd mumbled.

‘I hate to bring it up Todd, but I lost my mother at your age. I’m here if you need anything.’ The teacher suggested.

‘Thank you, sir.’

The teacher and student walked out of the building. The Welton Academy car was on the driveway and ready to leave. The atmosphere surrounding matched the negative and depressing aura, soft snow falling and a bitter breeze. Todd’s skin gathered in goosebumps underneath his layers of clothing.

‘Ready Mr. Anderson?’ Dr. Hager called from inside the car.

‘Y- yes, sir,’ Todd turned to the other teacher standing in the doorway and muttered, ‘bye captain.’

He stepped into the car and cautiously closed the door behind him. He looked around and took in Welton for the last time in probably only two weeks at the most. He couldn’t tell if he would miss it or not. He noticed a figure sitting on the bridge standing over the courtyard, the bridge he and Neil had chucked the unwanted desk set off. Sitting on the wall of it, his back placed against the stone wall where the bridge ended. Todd tried to fix his stare a bit more, and try to acknowledge who it was.

Oh.

Neil.

The car started up, and Todd’s mouth hovered open in despair, but no words came out. He would disappear, for now.

Chapter Text

(A mix of Knox and Charlie’s Perspectives)

‘So, it didn’t mean anything? Right?’ Knox questioned.

Charlie Dalton and Knox Overstreet had kissed. At Chet Danbury’s party. Knox had seen it as a drunk mistake; just casual and would be forgotten by the morning, however Charlie ‘Pining’ Dalton saw it as quite a bit more. (For himself, anyway).

But his glass heart had just been dropped and shattered by, the one and only himself, Knox Overstreet.

‘Yeah, right,’ Charlie smiled nonchalantly, ‘we were just drunk.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Yeah.’

This was the only time they’d managed to spike up the courage and talk about their ‘annoyingly casual’ kiss. Knox was pleased of the outcome of the conversation (ignoring an odd gut feeling he’d forgotten to say something), and Charlie knew he’d pine to Todd about it for the next month or so, despite his sadness that it was just ‘a drunk mistake’.

There was a knock at the door.

‘Come in!’ Charlie shouted.

Neil entered, looking a bit worried. It was about 10:00am, and his face looked flushed from the cold weather outside.

‘Jeez where have you been? You look like you’ve been slapped by a brick wall!’ Dalton exclaimed.

‘Just outside,’ Neil huffed, ‘have any of you guys seen Todd? He wasn’t here this morning and I-‘

‘Haven’t seen him,’ Charlie said, ‘sorry Neil.’

‘Neither.’ Knox agreed.

‘Oh,’ Neil’s face saddened slightly, ‘thanks anyways guys.’

Charlie nodded as if to ‘dismiss’ him, and Neil walked off into the corridor.

‘Guess I should go too.’ Knox said, as he stood up and made his way to the door, waiting for Charlie to say something.

Charlie only smiled. His heart was now deeply wounded and it would take only one impossible thing to stitch it back together again. But that thing just walked out of the door, leaving him gutted and drained.

At that moment, he realised, maybe he could do something. He didn’t hesitate after that. He stood up, rapidly went to the door and with a bit of confidence opened it. He stepped out, and saw Knox just about getting to his dorm, and…

‘Kn-‘ He tried.

Another voice cut him off.

‘Mr Dalton? You’ve received a call, the caller needs you to answer as soon as possible. Come with me.’ The headteacher himself, Mr. Nolan was standing in front of him, his stern face glaring at the boy.

‘Yes sir.’

‘Good. Follow me.’

The teacher lead Charlie to the only phone at Welton, and passed it to him. A voice emerged from it quietly almost immediately.

‘Hello? Charlie?’ A familiar voice sounded.

‘Todd? Is that you?’ Charlie asked.

‘Y- yes. I- need to a- ask you something.’

‘What’s up?’ The boy wondered curiously.

‘C- could you c- come to the f-‘ Todd was mumbling very quietly and quickly.

‘Pardon?’

‘C- could you come to t- the f- funeral with m- me?’ Todd stumbled, ‘J- Jeff said I c- could do with a- a friend there…’

‘Todd? Whose funeral?’ Charlie whispered.

‘M- my m- mother’s.’ Todd sniffled quietly.

‘Oh Todd… I’m so sorry…’

‘S'ok…’ The boy was crying over the phone now, Charlie could hear his slight muffled cries.

‘Yes I’ll be there. What day is it?’

‘Uhm- t- tomorrow…’

‘Oh! Uh.. that’s fine, I’ll be there.’

‘D- Dr. Hager w- will take y- you.’ Todd muttered sulkily.

‘Okay. And… I won’t tell anyone.’ Charlie reassured.

‘T- thank you, Nuwanda. Also c- can y- you..’

‘Yeah?’ Dalton replied.

‘Can you t- tell N- Neil… t- that I’m s- sorry?’

‘Oh, Todd. Of course.’

‘T- thanks.’

‘You’re welcome. See you tomorrow, Todd.’

And the phone call ended. Charlie exhaled and felt sympathy for the blonde. Todd needed him there. Charlie would go to comfort him. His poor mother had died. And Todd was relying on Charlie to go to the funeral and pay his respects for the family, and he would do just that.

After his long trail of thought, Charlie had something to do. He made his way to the door, and knocked.

‘Neil? It’s me.’

‘Come in.’

Charlie pushed the door open, and his eyes went to Neil’s bed (where he’d expected him to be), but the dark- haired brunette was sitting on his roommates bed. Had they had an argument or something?

‘Before I say anything, no questions allowed, deal?’ Charlie said.

‘Huh? Sure, Charlie.’ Neil replied, clearly ‘ off’.

‘Todd wanted me to tell you he says sorry.’ Charlie blurted out quicker than he’d ever spoken (that’s an accomplishment).

‘Charl- what-! How-? When-?’

‘No questions allowed, see ya!’ And Charlie walked out the door.

(Tiny bit of Neil’s perspective)

What did that   mean?

‘Todd had nothing to apologise for!’ Neil thought to himself.

If he was apologising about the argument at the party- then they’d already sorted that out-

Oh.

He was probably apologising about the kiss. Or the fact he walked away.

But that wasn’t Todd’s fault. Neil gave him unclear signs- Neil was the one who pushed it- and it was all Neil’s fault.

‘Todd has nothing to apologise for.’ Neil kept telling himself this.

But the kiss…

It was all so real. Neil was there. Todd was there. Neil was just cherishing at how fucking beautiful Todd was (is), and he wanted to prove to his roommate that he shouldn’t be ashamed of himself. That everyone is human. And everyone and everything deserves to be appreciated. That life is important. Carpe diem. Seize the day, and seize the moment.

And when Todd’s lips met with his, all of his thoughts were stolen by him. No words were needed, he was just so lost.

Either way, he’d learnt about 2 things.

1. He definitely didn’t like girls.
2. He definitely did like his roommate.

Like, like like. And the moment Todd’s lips did leave his, he couldn’t even imagine what his face looked like. Poor Todd, having to read a persons feelings just by their face, and their face being so unclear. Like reading a language he’d never seen before.

And now Neil hadn’t known where his roommate had gone.

Surely things couldn’t go on like this. Neil needed to talk to Todd. And plus, how had Charlie spoke to him? Where was he? Was he safe?

For now, Neil would never know.

(Todd’s perspective)

‘Did you invite anyone?’ Jeff walked into Todd’s room.

Sitting solemnly at his desk, staring at a piece of paper, Todd glanced up.

‘Uhm y- yeah.’ Todd whispered.

‘Okay, great.’ Jeff wandered in and sat on his bed.

‘You working on your speech?’ Jeff asked.

‘Y- yeah.’ Todd gulped. It had taken him the whole day to think of. His him was now full to the brim of ripped up paper, and the amount of failed attempts for the perfect speech angered Todd. Why couldn’t he just get the perfect one on the first try, just like Jeff? Why wasn’t he just like Jeff? It was what his mother truly wanted all along, wasn’t it?

‘Uhm Todd, I just needed to… warn you about something.’ Jeff said unclearly and with hesitation.

‘Huh?’

‘Todd. I need to warn you about something.’ The older Anderson brother said more clearer, sitting more tense.

What?

‘Yeah?’ Todd looked over to his brother. He was looking down solemnly, as if he felt sympathetic for Todd. No news could be this bad. Could it?

‘Peter’s going to the funeral.’

Oh.

Chapter Text

(The Funeral + Todd’s perspective)

The grey, miserable fog lingered sadly across the dull atmosphere. There wasn’t a spot of sun in the January sky, and Todd knew his mother would’ve hated the depressing aspect the whole day was giving off. Todd looked over the stretched horizon of just field grass, blanketed in early morning dew, and his sight was drawn to the road at the far end of the field, and a singular black car driving to where the car park was located (the Anderson’s’ found themselves waiting here while guests arrived and before the ceremony started), and he watched as the car parked. There was one person he’d hoped it to be, and another one person he’d dreaded it to be.

He payed attention to the car. He realised it was the person he’d hoped it to be. A red stripe opposing against the polished black car. The words ‘ Welton Academy’ stuck out in a fancy font, and as he read them, a familiar figure emerged from the car. Charlie Dalton was wearing basically the same outfit to Todd, a smart pair of black trousers, a perfect white shirt, a plain black blazer, polished black brogues and a black tie.

‘C’m here.’ Charlie said sympathetically, opening his arms and offering Todd a warm hug. The boys hugged for about 5 seconds and as they broke apart, Todd whispered,

‘Thank you for being here Charlie.’

‘S’ok,’ Charlie whispered back, ‘S’ what friends are for.’

Todd smiled at him.

Todd cried the whole ceremony, and though he managed to read his speech (or poem), he still felt so drained at the end of the funeral, as everyone wished their apologies. Charlie had been a help, luckily, and Todd was happy he was there.

‘Hey, we should get some food, there’s a little buffet over there,’ Charlie pointed at a table with a small variety of food on it, ‘you need to eat, Todd.’

‘M not hungry, thanks though.’ Todd said, biting his nails nervously.

‘Come on Todd, you haven’t eaten all day.’ Dalton claimed softly.

‘I don’t-‘

‘Why don’t I get you something? You stay here, if you’d like.’

‘Okay. Thank you.’ And with that, Todd watched as Charlie walked over to the table. Lost in thought, Todd didn’t realise that someone had sat next to him, in Charlie’s seat, and was full on staring at him.

Todd gulped and looked up. As his eyes met the dark, brown eyes, and dark hair, Todd’s heart sank.

Peter.

‘Poetry. Really?’ Peter said, as if to mock Todd a bit more.

Todd looked down as red crept up his cheeks.

‘God. Don’t be fucking shy. You know you love me.’ Peter’s voice teased in the worst possible way.

All of the emotions Todd had been holding since his kiss with Peter were bubbling up as tears that he had to hold back. Todd kept his stare firmly on the table he was sitting at. The table he was sitting at with Peter. The arrogant, selfish boy who ruined Todd’s life.

‘Go away.’ Todd mumbled weakly.

‘No. You can’t do anything about it. Because you’re a shy pussy.’

Really? At Todd’s own mother’s funeral?

A tears rolled down Todd’s cheek. The warm, salty tear that ran down his face almost immediately got rubbed away by a dry, icy cold finger. For fuck’s sake, Peter.

Out of instinct, Todd instantly slapped his hand away. How could someone be so stupid?

‘Get off me.’ Todd muttered quickly.

‘Yeah. Get off him, loser.’ Charlie’s voice became apparent as he looked down at Peter sitting in his seat.

Peter’s gaze glanced back at him, and the 18 year old stood up and almost scurried away like a rat. He is a rat!

‘Was he bothering you?’ Charlie sat down, along with two plates with cheese sandwiches on them.

‘No- s’ nothing. Don’t worry.’

‘No, it’s something. Who was he, Todd?’ Charlie reassured quietly.

‘P- P- Peter…’

Charlie’s face of realisation made Todd want to scrunch onto a ball and cry even more.

‘Bastard.’ Charlie muttered.

‘Char…’

‘No! He shouldn’t even be here! Who invited him?’

‘My father- I think. I- I- overheard him say- saying s- something a- about i- it.’

‘What? What did he say?’ Charlie looked at Todd, waiting for him to speak.

‘I- d-‘ Todd only stuttered.

‘Don’t worry, you don’t have to tell me now. Sorry for being pushy.’

‘S’ok. Thank you.’ Todd smiled at him.

God, he was lucky to have a friend like Charlie.

All Todd had to do now was return to Welton, (he would go back with Charlie after the end of the afternoon since Jeff asked him if he’d like to go back, he instantly accepted) and avoid as many people as possible. The less people he spoke to, the less he’d have to explain why he was gone.

And with Neil, well, he had no idea what would happen.

The drive back to Welton was silent but peaceful. Todd looked out the window and took in the nature and the hills of Vermont, and at one point, found himself tearing up at the thought that his mother loved the countryside of the world, specifically Vermont. But he set his thoughts aside and took it all in for her.

When the two boys (plus Dr. Hager) returned to the Academy, it was dinner for the rest of the students, therefore giving the pair time to settle back down and get themselves ready for the school days ahead once again.

As Todd opened the door, he almost wished Neil would be there, sitting on his bed rehearsing random lines, waiting for him. But of course, he wasn’t. And though it wasn’t Neil’s fault, Todd’s heart sank in a way of sadness and some form of regret. He walked in slowly, reminding himself of the familiar smell of their room: cologne, coffee, cigarette smoke and… Neil. Todd sighed. He’d missed this, and it wasn’t a lie.

He pulled his suitcase onto his bed, and peacefully started to unpack as the door opened. Curious, Todd turned to face the door, standing in between the two beds.

‘Todd!’ Neil yelped in.. relief?

Todd was instantly washed away by the warmth of Neil hugging him. Neil’s touch made the butterflies in Todd’s stomach backflip. Was this real?

‘Todd…’ Neil whispered, ‘I missed you so much.’

‘I missed you too.’

Neil took his arms away from Todd, and the pair just stood, in the middle of their dormitory, and shared eye contact that contained so many emotions, so much forbidden passion and so much sympathy.

‘I’m sorry..’ Todd muttered under his breath.

‘I know.’ Neil’s lips trembled.

And this time, Todd wrapped his arms around Neil into a tight, meaningful hug and this time, they both, held each other, with no questions asked.

The door opened with a sudden click.

‘Neillll, I’m baaaackk-‘ Charlie’s voice filled the room, ‘oh- sorry guys, forgot about the whole ‘reunion’ thing… I’ll go..’

And with that, Charlie closed the door ; leaving Neil and Todd laughing in hysterics.

(During the Night)

Todd fiddled and shuffled all night. He couldn’t sleep. He had to tell Neil everything. Get everything off of his chest: the funeral, Peter , what his father had said, his feelings…

So, he did that. (Except Neil was asleep. And he wouldn’t hear it. But at least Todd would’ve said something.)

‘Y’know, my mother passed. That’s why I was gone. For her funeral, it was horrible.’

Todd’s voice was shaky, and tears were fighting in Todd’s eyes. But he had to keep going.

‘I invited Charlie. He came, n’ I would’ve asked you… but you probably think im werid or something after… what I showed you…’

Todd gulped. Keep going. You can do it.

‘And when we were there, so was P- Peter. He c- came over to me, and was being so horrible. I tried to get him to stop but he just wouldn’t. Luckily Charlie stepped in and P- Peter left…’

Todd kept on. But he didn’t hear Neil’s breath getting quieter. He hadn’t realised Neil was listening. Whoops.

‘And my father invited him. I mean, my own father? He knew what happened. And he invited him purposely .’

Todd was sniffling as he spoke now, but he carried on speaking.

‘I heard him say over the phone that he should invite Peter to prove that I wasn’t actually queer. My own father. But.. I just- I- I just d- don’t get the point. I don’t understand why- I don’t understand…’

Todd sighed and started crying.

‘I just deserve it, don’t I? God. Why am I talking to someone when I’ll never get a reply?’  Todd closed his eyes firmly shut and told himself to go to sleep now.

About what felt like about 15 minutes after Todd finished speaking, another voice spoke.

‘You don’t deserve this.’ Neil whispered gently.

Shit.

Neil had listened to the whole thing.

‘Forget it, Neil.’

‘No.’

‘What do you mean, no?’

‘No.’ Neil said a tiny bit quieter.

‘Go to sleep.’

‘I missed you.’ Neil said.

‘I missed you too.’ Todd replied.

‘Fuck Peter. He doesn’t deserve to even be in your presence. You’re too-‘

‘Neil..’

‘You’re too precious for him.’

Todd could feel himself blushing, even thought it was dark and Neil wouldn’t see him. But suddenly, the lamp flicked on and oh fuck.

‘Just wanted to see how much you were blushing.’ Neil grinned and turned the lamp off.

‘Wh- Neil- don’t-‘ Todd stuttered, still a bit stunned.

‘Aw your flattered! Night Toddsie.’ Todd could hear the grin in Neil’s voice.

Todd quickly got out of the covers and sat himself on his own bed facing Neil and flicked the lamp back on.

‘I’ve- got you a gift. From when I was away I suppose.’ Todd said, looking at the boy who was facing the wall and looked so cosy and warm and pretty and-

‘ What? Really?’ Neil sat up and mirrored Todd’s position, the pair facing each other , and their faces really close.

‘Okay. Close your eyes and hold your hands out.’ Todd suggested.

Neil did as he was told.

Following his gut instinct, Todd intertwined his hands with Neil’s, and used them to pull himself closer and meet Neil’s lips once again. Neil’s warmth had always made Todd’s heart race - but this was something different. The rush and need for more. The kiss was soft and hesitant, just as Todd had it expected it to be, until Neil lifted his hand to cup Todd’s cheek, and pull his face closer, allowing the kiss to become deeper. As Neil’s thumb rubbed his jawline, Todd genuinely could’ve flipped on the spot. After what seemed like too short of a time, the pair separated the gap between them once again for oxygen. They stayed close together, the noses nearly touching.

‘Fuck, Neil I’m sorry- I didn’t even ask and-‘

‘Shh.’ Neil said, as he closed the gap between them once again, this time the kiss was more passionate. And needy. (In a good way). Todd almost died on the spot when Neil’s tongue met with his… Todd Anderson, are you there? Or have you just been ascended to heaven?

They kissed and laughed and smiled for about another 5 minutes. The answer, by the way, is yes, Todd had been ascended to heaven.

After the 5 minutes, they giggled and got back into their own beds.

Todd laid awake thinking of the one thing he know he needed too before he genuinely fell asleep and dreamt of this whole night.

‘Neil..?’ Todd whispered.

‘Yeah?’ He heard a faint voice reply.

‘Can we- not tell the others just yet?’

‘Of course! I wasn’t expecting to say anything now!’ Neil sounded genuine.

‘Okay.’

‘Okay.’

‘Goodnight.’

‘Goodnight.’

Todd was convinced he’d never slept better in his life.

Chapter Text

(Knox’s perspective)

The conversation Charlie and Knox had discussed played on Knox’s mind a bit more than he assumed it too. ‘ We were just drunk.’ Those words felt so wrong. What was going on with him? Knox couldn’t establish the feeling, an annoying pain dragging him down into thought, and the thought not being found, like a butterfly without its wings. The words the two exchanged replayed repeatedly over and over in his head, and he still couldn’t come to terms of what he knew was wrong.

Charlie was his best friend, and he wasn’t going to throw it all away, of course ; as much as his feelings interrogated him every minute, he wasn’t going to ditch him. But it felt just as wrong to be friends.

Another bundle of thoughts entered Knox’s head.

Chris. Chris and Ginny.

Knox was unaware whether Chris and Ginny had actually made anything official, considering Chris was dating her brother and Ginny herself was dating Neil? It all seemed very confusing enough to Knox, despite the fact that he himself was dealing with his ‘regretful conversation’ with the boy he had kissed at the same time his ‘crush’ had kissed Chet Danbury’s sister. Okay, enough words and people mentioned, Knox.

Overall, it took a long time for Knox to come up with the thing that he ‘thought’ would help him get closer to any peaceful solutions.

‘Uh- Charlie?’

Knox had made it across the corridor and infront of Charlie Dalton’s dormitory.

‘Come in- Knox?’ Nuwanda’s voice replied.

‘Yeah.’ Knox replied,hopelessly.

‘Oh uh- come in.’

Knox opened the door, Charlie on his bed and Cameron nowhere to be found.

‘What’s up?’ Charlie offered.

‘Uh- not much.’

‘Right…’

‘Charlie- I was just thinking-‘

‘Scary.’

‘Shush! Anyway I was thinking about-‘

His voice was almost immediately muted by Charlie’s lips against his.

What the fuck.

In a… good way?

There was a knock on the door.

(Uh, great timing?)

‘Charlie, can I come in?’ Cameron’s voice echoed between the door.

The pair immediately broke apart in a hustle and Charlie’s panicked eyes made Knox’s heart melt in pure shock.

‘Uhm- yep.’

The door opened and Richard’s confused expression lingered between the boys. The red head quickly pulled a book off  his desk and left the room again. When Knox looked at Charlie, he was beetroot red.

‘S- sorry- I should’ve asked-‘ Charlie mumbled.

‘Don’t say sorry- I’m just confused..’

‘Yeah. Same.’ Charlie was still the same shade as Gloria’s lipstick.

Knox had no idea what was going through the other boys head. So he just left.

This time, Charlie didn’t go running after him.

(Neil’s perspective)

Neil was probably more contented now than he’d ever been.

He was in the library, sitting and studying, with many essays due, and a very calm Todd Anderson sitting infront of him. Their noses were nearly touching. The blonde looked so at peace and relaxed, writing notes and reading texts. Neil was happy to be alive.

‘You’re so cute.’ Neil teased.

He saw the blondes face redden as he looked down at his papers.

‘Neil- I..’

‘You’re flustered! Ah!’

The moment overall was adorable and Neil probably wouldn’t forget about it for the rest of the night. Even though it felt like he had an audience of one. Hm.

At dinner his ‘ audience ’ was slightly revealed.

‘Does anyone know when we’ll have another meeting?’ Pitts asked, his mouth full with a meatball.

‘Yeah, we haven’t had one in ages.’ Meeks agreed.

‘I don’t know, hopefully soon.’ Knox added.

The boys nodded in unison. There were two empty seats. Cameron and Charlie.

‘Hey, does anyone know where Char and Cam are?’ Stick realised the two empty seats and as did Neil. Knox gulped.

‘Cam’s probably in the library.’ Meeks replied.

It was Neil’s turn to gulp.

So maybe he wasn’t imagining the mystery person spying on him and Todd. Oh.

And just as the thought eventually trailed through his head, Richard Cameron showed up and sat himself in between Neil and Todd.

‘Oh- where have you been?’ Knox asked.

‘Oh uhm- something came up. Homework.’ Cameron replied nonchalantly.

‘Right.’ Overstreet nodded.

The only person who was yet to make an appearance was Charlie. He never did. Knox seemed really agitated because of it. Hm.

Chapter Text

(Todd’s Perspective)

The last few weeks of January were peaceful and quiet, and Todd believed it was almost ideal for him. His grades were more than stable ; he certainly needed the time to regain himself from his mother’s passing. Todd and Neil had kept whatever was going on in the down low, but Todd was happy. He was contented with his life and not much could go ahead and ruin it.

And then February came along.

Todd was convinced only one person - other than themselves - knew about him and Neil. One person he’d hoped it not to be.

Richard Cameron.

Todd didn’t have a problem with Cameron, and forgave him long ago for his ‘level of intimacy’ when Todd had told the poets about Peter. Todd never really talked to Richard, and he never talked much to Todd. Overall their relationship as friends was very awkward and Todd didn’t want him knowing about him and Neil, but he’d recently suspected Cameron for his peculiar and abnormal behaviour. He was sure maybe the poets that had a better understanding of Cameron knew what was up (like Meeks or Charlie) and it wasn’t actually Richard knowing Todd’s deepest secrets. That was until Richard actually did confront Todd. The conversation went something like this…

‘You and Neil aren’t actually a thing, right?’ He asked, as he approached Todd, who was staring directly at the floor, avoiding anyone’s gaze in the changing rooms after physical education.

Todd looked up, startled, and when he met Richard Cameron’s eyes, he immediately looked straight back down.

‘So, huh?’ Cameron pushed on.

‘N- no-‘ Todd stumbled, aware of the hustle of boys all around them, and aware of anyone who could be listening on into their conversation.

‘Right. By the way, none of us would have a problem , necessarily, if anything was going on. I’ve seen how you look at him. How he looks at you…’ Cameron’s voice started trailing off as he half-turned to face the mirror, still indicating he was having a conversation with Todd.

‘Okay.’ Todd muttered.

‘No like- honestly. It’s cool.’ Richard smiled faintly.

‘There’s nothing going on. But thank you.’ Todd smiled, half meaningfully and half nonchalantly. Whatever that is.

‘You’re welcome.’ And Cameron walked out.

Then, a new voice entered.

‘Everything okay?’ Neil said, the usual, charming smile placed on his face.

Before Todd said anything and looked at Neil, his eyes caught to a slight suspense in the room.

Knox Overstreet on the right side of the room,

Charlie Dalton on the left.

Both sharing intense eye contact yet keeping themselves busy and to themselves. Something must’ve happened.

‘Todd?’ Neil returned him to normality.

‘Oh- sorry- y- yeah, everything’s g- good.’

‘You didn’t sound too certain there.’

‘Sorry- just thinking a bit.’

‘Okay. I’ll be in the dorm if you need me.’ Neil waved and left the room.

So, although the conversation eventually extended to Neil as well, Todd now knew that Richard Cameron was most likely aware of Neil and Todd. Not only did he learn that, but he learnt that surely something was going on between Knox and Charlie. Only question however, is what?

And - or so - that was Todd Anderson’s current state. Sitting in Keating’s class, paying no attention whatsoever, and thinking about his two friends’ odd situation. As he wondered intensely (maybe a bit too much) a finger tapped his shoulder - his shoulder - making him flinch a bit. He turned around.

‘Oh! Sorry- I didn’t mean to scare you!’ Stick said calmly, while Todd sat out of his skin.

‘It’s okay.’ Todd laughed quietly - he’d talked to Stick a few times, according to the fact they shared similar grades and had the same amount of normal brain cells.

‘I was just wondering if you wanted to be partners for this? Keating just told us to find partners so-‘

‘Wait- w- what are we doing?’

‘We don’t have to be partners if you don’t want to be-‘

‘N- no no,’ Todd panicked, ‘I mean what are we doing now? I- I wasn’t l- listening.’

‘Oh! He just said we have to read a part of a dual narrative by Shakespeare- a- and get into partners for it.’ Stick said.

‘Oh- okay.’ Todd nodded.

‘Okay, great!’

(Neil’s jealous ass perspective)

Really? Stick?

Okay, yes. He wasn’t expecting to maybe be partners with Todd, but he was not expecting Stick to be Todd’s partner over himself. If it was Charlie, or Pitts, or even Cameron for that matter he wouldn’t mind. But Stick? Come on. He didn’t deserve to work with Todd!

Neil was completely on another planet that he didn’t even realise his best friend near shouting his name.

‘Neeeeiiillllllllll!!’ Nuwanda called.

'Yeah?’ Neil replied after probably 5 years of  Charlie’s consistent taunting.

‘Ah, so you are alive. Thank god,’ Charlie gasped, ‘yourlookingatToddandStickohmygoodnessneil!!’

Neil’s neck nearly broke after rapidly turning to face his best friend.

‘No i’m not!’ Neil tutted.

‘You’ve got a lot of explaining to do, Sherlock Perry.’ Charlie said calmly.

‘I do not. Now choose one of these.’ Neil pointed at the list of stories Keating gave the boys to choose from.

‘Not until you’ve explained.’ Charlie protested.

‘Not yet, Charlie!’

Dalton made a face.

‘Whoops- sorry. Not yet, Nuwanda.’ Neil corrected himself.

Dalton grinned.

Chapter Text

January 27th , 1960

Falling.

Falling through an endless, pitch black void. Todd reached up, tried shouting for help, but his voice wouldn’t project, and no one was there to catch him. It felt as if gravity no longer existed, but also it felt like the force of gravity was so strong Todd would never stop falling until he reached the core of the planet.

This had happened before.

Todd’s body slammed against an invisible floor.  Again? Really? The boy panicked and looked around him.  Nothing. He looked the other side. Nothing. As he looked to his right, he saw something. Todd’s heart dropped as he tried to pace himself for what was going to happen next. Fuckfuckfuckfuck. This dream was happening. Again. It’s all the same.

‘How on earth do you expect to get away with this? Huh? We can’t have a homosexual son!’ The voice of Todd’s own mother said.

‘Go away! You’re not real! Leave me alone! You’re dead anyway!’ Todd sobbed and cradled himself as he sat solemnly on the floor. It had finally hit him. His mother was gone. The one person who might’ve accepted him for who he was. Or not, even.

‘How disgusting! We should’ve done something since Peter. We can’t have a queer ruining our family reputation!’ Todd’s father projected in disbelief.

‘Homophobe.’ Todd whispered ; out of anger and sadness.

‘Toddsie, this isn’t right! Just kiss a girl - you’ll feel better, mate.’ Jeffery forced a laugh.

Todd remembers the time he had this dream before vividly. He put his hands tight against his ears preparing for the next voice. No. It wasn’t real. This isn’t true.

‘Ew Todd. I’m not like that. Don’t be a weirdo, what made you think I was a queer? Not me, you should know that!’ Neil’s voice eventually emerged, echoing around Todd’s head.

Although deep down Todd knew it was fake, it all felt so real. His reaction hadn’t changed since last time.

Once again, the voices of the group just got louder and mocked Todd’s ears, he just hid his face in fear and guilt.

‘Queer.’

‘Disgusting.’

‘Fag.’

It wasn’t like he hadn’t heard these words before. And, even though it was a dream, Todd’s heart crumbled and he questioned if he ever deserved anything. Beauty, romance, love. Anything.

But this time, his dream kept on going. Or.. did it?

‘Todd?’

The voice was Neils. Todd stayed still.

‘Todd?’ It said, louder and less hesitant.

He stayed still.

‘Todd?’

Todd woke up abruptly, his eyes fluttering open to face chocolate brown ones.

‘Are you okay?’ Neil’s puppy eyes had Todd head over heels. He could only answer half truthfully.

‘M’ fine,’ Todd whispered, ‘bad dream.’

‘What to talk about it?’ Neil suggested.

‘Wh- what’s the time?’ Todd tried to distract the other boy.

‘12:33pm. Todd, would you like to talk about it?’ As much as Todd had ‘distracted him’ , Neil wasn’t giving up.

‘Okay.’ Todd shuffled on-top of his duvet and sat with his back to the wall. Neil happily sat next to him, the gap between their shoulders non-existent.

‘So- uh-‘ Neil attempted to start.

‘N- Neil- I’m like- not s- straight.’ Todd muttered. Well no shit, Sherlock.

‘Yeah, I kind of established that.’ Neil laughed.

Todd looked down to his knees. He couldn’t look into Neil’s eyes right now. If he did he’d probably have to kiss the fuck out of hi- woah!

‘Are- are you the same?’ Todd offered gently, scared as fuck inside.

‘Ha, definitely.’ Neil tried to look in the blonde’s eyes, but he kept on avoiding his stare.

‘Okay, good,’ Todd’s tense body relaxed, ‘glad we’ve got that done with.’

‘Hm.’ Neil was really trying to catch his gaze at this point. Lord have mercy, Todd, just look at him, please.

‘So… your dream?’ Neil whispered.

‘Oh- right.’ Todd nodded.

Neil stretched his arm over Todd and placed it just between Todd’s neck and shoulder, making sure he wouldn’t startle the boy.

‘My mother-,’ Todd sighed quietly, ‘and- my father. A- and J- jeff.’

‘Yes…?’ Neil watched the boy intently and affectionately. Todd could feel his breath on his neck. It was… comforting.

‘And-,’ Todd gulped, ‘you.’

Neil’s lips must’ve made an ‘o’ shape.

‘And b- before i say anything- it’s not true- and i- i still like you.’

‘Aww you like me?’ Neil tried to lighten the mood only to realise it probably wasn’t the best time too.

‘Sorry. Carry on.’ Neil smiled warmly.

‘Thank you,’ Todd was going to have to meet Neil’s eyes soon, ‘everyone was- everyone just consistently trying to eradicate the idea of my s- sexuality and i- i didn’t know what to do and- my mother was there, which is crazy because she’s dead.’

Todd was sniffling his tears back, as was Neil but Todd was unaware. He continued,

‘And then my father. I knew he’d never accept me for who I am. I’d only ever be accepted if I was exactly like Jeff. But of course that can’t happen. And then Jeff himself came out and said I should just kiss a girl or something. And then y- you came out and I- it’s stupid. Sorry.’

Neil moved his hand up to Todd’s cheek and took Todd by surprise when a smooth finger ran over his face, wiping his tears so delicately. Todd looked up and met Neil’s eyes ; both bloodshot and yet so full of care and affection.

‘It’s okay.’ Neil hushed sweetly.

‘Can you- kiss me?’ Todd whispered, not loosing eye contact with Neil.

Neil grinned wide, and replied quietly but confident, ‘of course.’

Neil’s hand touched Todd’s jaw and pulled him in to grant a soft kiss on his lips. Todd could feel himself blushing as Neil deepened the kiss, and he reached for Neil’s hair to pull himself closer. To get more of this. To get more of his soft lips. To get more of Neil.

Neil. Beautiful Neil.

A soft groan of approval emerged from Neil’s throat after Todd’s tongue met his, and Todd’s heart exploded.

Breaking apart for air, Todd and Neil embraced one another’s presence ; craving more.

‘Thank you.’ Todd smiled.

‘Thank you.’ Neil grinned.

And so the two romantics cherished each-other’s warmth and skin ; exploring their bodies with gentle kisses. Finding so much purpose in such a small, hidden dormitory of their school ; having so many thoughts and exchanging so many things in such desolate space. Neck pecks and tension ; small touches of fiery electricity. So much passion and desperate desire for more. The duvet rustling over them , the room lit by soft moonlight and the occasional hoot from an owl afar. Todd would never forget this.

January 28th , 1960

(Neil’s perspective)

Neil got deja vu as he biked fast down the roads of Vermont and the wind blew fresh through his hair. He was meeting with Ginny, as they’d both agreed they both had explaining to do. They’d agreed on a small coffee shop near Henley Hall, and Neil was nervous, but strangely at ease.

He parked up his bike and opened the door to the cafe. He was instantly hit with the smell of fresh coffee, and old books ; the room was warmly lit and homely. It all reminded him of Todd. Books filled the shelves and the neutral tone of talking paced in Neil’s ear. He looked around for his friend, and as Ginny waved him over he sat down softly and greeted her.

‘I’ve told you to stop going so fast down those hills, Perry. Really, you’ll get hurt!’ She said, the tone of a caring mother.

‘Okay, mum.’ Neil laughed and rolled his eyes.

‘So, I suppose I have a lot of explaining to do.’ She said.

‘Same here. Don’t worry.’

‘Okay. I’ll go first.’ Ginny offered, and Neil nodded while taking a sip of coffee she’d given him when he came in.

‘So. Before I say anything, I just want you to know that I still want to be friends. And perhaps not in a relationship. And yes I know you feel the same. So don’t worry.’ Ginny started.

‘I-‘ Neil started.

‘Nope! My turn to speak, thank you Perry,’ she laughed, ‘so. I’m… into girls. And when Chris told me to ‘get a boyfriend’ I flipped and had no idea what to do. So my dumb ass decided to ask you out. As you know. And I feel so bad because I only did it to imp- impress- uh. Chris. And that was shitty of me so I’m sorry. But hell- I like Chris. And when we kissed at the party I nearly died. So I’m- definitely not into men. And I wanted to tell you because I trust you Neil, and I hope you trust me. So- yeah..’

‘I’m so proud of you!’ Neil burst out, glad to have this much of a friend that she could tell him that.

‘That’s so cool- and- and I think you guys deserve the world. I’m happy for you, Danbury.’ Neil smiled.

‘Gee, you reacted better than I thought you would. I’m glad.’

‘Okay so now it’s my turn, I guess?’ Neil suggested.

‘Okedoke!’ Ginny agreed.

Neil thought about how Todd had agreed to be able to tell people they trust about them, like the poets, or Ginny. And he took a breath and started,

‘Okay. So this seems, like, really coincidental but I- I’m into boys- or a boy - and I-‘

‘Okay Perry, calm down, otherwise you might have a fit,’ Ginny laughed, ‘I think I get the idea.’

‘So that’s it?’ Neil asked.

‘Uhm, no! I’d like to know who the special man is please? This is serious info, Perry. I need to know.’

‘Well-‘

‘Wait! Let me guess! Oh my goodness! Uhmmm…’ Ginny thought. Neil could hear the ticking in her brain.

‘Wait, what’s the sandy blonde one called? Agh! It’s on the top of my tongue!’

‘You tell me…’ Neil laughed.

‘…TODD!’ Ginny said, a bit too loud that it gained a few people to turn round (and when I say ‘a few’, I mean every soul in the coffee shop ; including the ghosts).

‘Shh!’ Neil hushed, smiling.

‘It’s Todd? Isn’t it? Oh my gosh! I totally, privately, called that.’

‘Ginny!!’ Neil blushed.

‘We’re such hopeless gays, honestly.’

This gained a laugh from Neil. He knew he had a friendship that would last now. He felt happy.

That was until, he got back to Welton, and picked up a phone call - supposedly for Todd - and heard an unknown voice.

‘Hello? Todd?’

‘Uhm no… I’m Neil.’

‘Right. I don’t care, I need to speak to Todd.’ The deep voice of a man - probably a year older than Neil - emerged from the telephone.

‘Who are you? So I can tell him you called?’ Neil said, making sure he sounded stable and on-track.

‘Peter. Todd will know me. You can give the phone to him now. If you’d like.’ He said sarcastically.

‘No.’

‘Just pass the phone, idiot.’ Peter tutted arrogantly.

‘Todd’s not here.’

‘Yeah, he’s probably at a gay bar.’ Peter joked rudely.

‘You bastard!‘ Neil muttered under his breath.

‘Hey- it’s true. He’s a little faggot. He’ll never find anyone because of it,’ Peter cursed mockingly, ‘tell him I called.’

And with that, the call ended.

And it took every inch of Neil not to track down Peter and hurt him. How dare he speak about Todd like that. Neil needed to make sure Todd would never look in Peter’s cold eyes again.

Chapter Text

(Neil’s perspective)

‘He did what?’ Charlie Dalton said, shocked.

‘How many times do I have to tell you? He called Welton, in order to talk to Todd. I picked up, and he totally lost it.’ Neil replied.

‘Wait- so you’re saying- he genuinely wanted to talk to Todd?’

Neil nodded.

‘That’s some audacity.’ Charlie tutted.

Neil let out a laugh, knowing that Charlie was joking, but it was true anyway. Peter did  have quite the audacity to say what he did.

‘What did you say? Back to him?’ Charlie asked.

‘Oh- not much… I just hung up..’ Neil answered, knowing the phone got hung up on him, ‘I want to tell Todd about it- but I just don’t want him to worry…’

‘The right time will come, if it ever does for that.’ Charlie said, an annoying knowing expression on his face.

‘Okay.’ Neil smiled, hoping Charlie would keep the next few words to himself.

Which, of course, would never happen. We’re talking about Charlie Dalton here, by the way.

‘Neil. You can be honest with me here. I know you’re gay, because you told me two years ago. You know I’m bi, because you’re my best friend. Anyhow- not the point. Do you like Todd? I see how you look at him, Perry.’

Neil gulped and couldn’t stop himself from  violently blushing and smiling. Just thinking of Todd made his heart flutter, and Neil realised how lucky he was. Though Todd didn’t physically stop Neil from pulling that trigger on the cold night of the play, maybe mentally , it was Todd’s soft and caring voice and his heartwarming, pretty blue eyes that stopped him. His voice that had filled Neil with a sudden warmth, his eyes that had trailed onto Neil’s lips. Yeah. He was lucky.

‘So- uh,’ Neil grinned.

‘I knew it! I fucking knew it!’ Charlie jumped of his single bed with his hands on his head, grinning widely to himself.

‘Charlie!’ Neil blushed even more and put his hand on the door handle when-

‘Come back right here, Perry. You’ve got some serious explaining to do! Wait- has anything actually happened yet? Have you told him?’

Neil gulped. That’s one way to put it.

‘I- uh, we-‘ Neil stuttered.

‘You have told him! And he took it well! Please tell me I’m right!’ Charlie was kicking his feet like a little girl.

‘You… are,’ Neil grinned.

‘Ahhh, I knew it! I’m so happy for you! You were ‘secretly’ pining for ages. Like since, first term.’ Charlie laughed.

‘Charlie! I was not!’ Neil lied, he knew fully his best friend was definitely correct.

‘Oh my gosh- wait- have you guys kissed?’ Charlie giggled.

‘Nuwanda!’ Neil blushed and hid his face behind his hands.

‘Oh my, this is adorable. And you were jealous when Stick wanted to be his partner! It all makes so much sense, Neil! I won’t ask anymore questions - but, you’re like inlove, Perry. It’s adorable, really.’

Inlove.

That seemed big. Important. Significant.

Was Neil inlove?

Probably. He smiled to himself.

(Todd’s perspective!!)

Studying quietly in the library with Meeks, Todd glanced mindfully out of the window. It was a Monday, in February, and somehow peaceful. In the past, Februarys had always felt never ending ; pointless. But he thought, now there was a point. And life was worth. Todd’s grades had settled in nicely since when he’d first joined (as well as himself), and the days were flowing effortlessly each minute. After his mother had passed, Todd convinced himself maybe there really wasn’t a worth in anything. But, over time, he grew bigger than his thoughts, and persevered, just like his mother would always tell him too. He had hope. He had worth. He had the poets. He had Neil.

‘Todd?’

‘Yeah?’

Todd’s gaze snapped back round to the strawberry blonde haired boy.

‘You were zoning out. You okay?’ Meeks asked.

‘Oh yeah- m- more than fine.’ Todd nodded reassuringly.

‘You sure? Nothing on your mind?’

‘Meeks, c- can I tell you something?’

The boy nodded eagerly. Todd gulped.

‘So- I had to tell s- someone because- I g- guess I want too? So- me- me and Neil… we’re sort of- a thing?’ Todd stuttered.

And as he said it out loud, he realised he didn’t actually know what was going on between him and Neil. Maybe he ought to ask Meeks for advice..?

Meeks face filled with ‘happy’ shock.

‘Really! Todd I’m so happy for you! It was so obvious.. no offence obviously! You both looked at each other so meaningful, oh and-  I’m not sure if Neil told you but he told me when he liked you! He probably would be annoyed if he knew I told you- anyway- and he was so happy- I’ve never seen him like that for a while, Todd. Oh I’m so happy for you!’ Meeks gasped.

Todd giggled, embarrassed.

‘Wait- could I ask for some advice? Y- you’re the only one who l- listens.’ Todd continued.

‘Sure! It might be really bad- but I’m happy to help.’ Steven smiled.

‘I- I don’t really know what me and Neil are. And- I want to ask him. Get his opinion.’

‘Yes?’ Meeks offered him to continue.

‘So- how would I- go up- and ask him?’ Todd stumbled.

‘Hm,’ Meeks gave a lot of thought to help his friend, ‘I would choose the correct time. Don’t rush it. Be chill. And ask him. Neil likes you Todd. So don’t be afraid. I’m sure he wants to ask you the same thing.’

‘Thanks, Meeks.’

‘No problem,’ Meeks said, ‘you done?’

Todd looked down at his finished dialogue notes for Keating’s class.

‘Yeah. I’m gonna head back to the dorm. See you, Meeks.’ Todd got up along with his books and waved to Meeks as he exited the library.

As Todd walked slowly down the derelict corridors of Welton, he took in the old, yet slightly comforting smell of the place. When he first joined, the smell lingered through the halls and reminded Todd of when he’d gone to Jeff’s ‘family’ day, about five years ago, where families were allowed to join their sons on their school day. He wondered if him and Neil might have crossed paths as they were younger, in this building. The smell, now, reminded him of the fun that his friends made of such a, perhaps, sad place. As he grew adapted to the smell, he discovered it wasn’t all bad, and it was probably the ‘smell’ of his teenage years. Some of the best years of his life, as his mother quoted.

Eventually, he got back to the dormitory.

As Todd opened the door, he faced the most unpleasant surprise sitting at Neil’s desk.

Mr. Perry.

Todd’s face dropped.

‘Oh- uh-‘ Todd stuttered. His last resort was the door.

‘You must be Todd. ’ Mr. Perry said firmly.

Oh fuck. Oh fuck.

‘Y- yes sir.’ Todd mumbled.

‘Neil’s grades are slipping. He’s being distracted. Do you know anything of this?’ Neil’s father claimed sternly.

‘Uh- n- no sir.’ Todd looked down as he tried to occupy himself by unpacking his books onto his bed. As he glanced over to Neil’s bed, the emptiness was uncomfortable. The chocolate brown haired boy would sit there, content and happy. But he was elsewhere (to Todd’s luck) and he was stuck here with Mr. Perry, who was looking at a particular object on Neil’s bed as Todd did too.

Oh fuck.

‘Whose jumper is that? It’s not Neil’s.’ He said.

Todd thought that question was ridiculous. The navy knitted sweater lie helplessly on Neil’s bed. Why though, I wonder? I wonder.

‘Oh- it’s m- mine.’ Todd picked it up and folded it.

‘Right. You’re sure you are unaware of any possible distractions for Neil? No acting? No girls?’

Todd gulped.

‘N- not that I’m a- aware of, s- sir.’

‘Right.’ And he left. Thank god.

The sweater still hung in Todd’s arms, and he sighed and plonked himself on his bed.

He just wanted to discuss and hold and talk and kiss Neil very badly at this point.

Chapter Text

Todd shifted uncomfortably in his covers. 11:44pm, Saturday 13th February. He couldn’t fall asleep for his life. He desperately needed to talk to Neil about his father’s ‘intrusion’. Should he wake Neil up? Or was that impolite?

After finalising his decision, Todd slowly crept out of his bed and towards Neil’s. Hesitating, his small voice reached out,

‘Neil?’

Todd’s whisper wasn’t enough to awake the other boy. He tried again,

‘Neil, it’s me.’

Oh, yeah. Because that will work. Reaching out to tap his shoulder, Todd tried again. Once more.

‘Neil?’

Peacefully, Neil’s eyes fluttered open and warmed as they met Todd’s.

‘Hm? Todd?’ Neil’s voice croaked. Todd loved it.

‘Uh- I- can I tell you so- something?’ Todd stumbled, deciding that the words he chose probably weren’t the best ones. It sounded like he was a 5 year old telling their best friend about their new crush. He could’ve used, ‘There is something I need to tell you,’ but he didn’t. Never-mind.

Whilst hustling himself up to sit comfortably, Neil replied,

‘Yeah, sure! What’s up?’

The warm tone in his voice was comforting.

Todd gulped. He didn’t know how Neil would take this. Whatever happened, Todd owed this to him. Neil shouldn’t go without knowing.

‘Uhm…’ he hesitated.

‘What is it?’ Neil looked at him with care flooding his eyes.

‘Your dad was here.’ Todd looked down.

‘Huh? When?’ Neil’s body had visibly tensed at the mention of his father.

‘This evening.’ Todd gulped helplessly.

‘My father? Here? In our dorm? How could he! He doesn- he-‘ Neil became breathless. He was panicking. Fuck.

‘I’m sorry- I didn’t know what to do- or w- whether to tell you a- and…’

‘It’s not your fault, Todd. He had no right to come here. Wh- what did he want?’ Neil kept himself together. Todd admired that about him.

‘I don’t know. Well- nothing bad. He j- hust wanted to see how your grades are. A- and h- he asked if you were being d- distracted…’ Todd gulped, remembering his conversation with the man earlier.

‘Distracted? What? ’

‘He asked about- erm- a- any girls…’

‘ Oh.’

‘Oh.’ Todd echoed back.

‘What did you say?’

‘Just ‘ no sirs’ to most of his questions. It wasn’t much of a bother. Don’t worry.’

‘He had no right to corner you like that though!’ Neil protested.

‘Neil- honestly i- it’s fine.’

‘You sure?’

‘Certain.’ Todd ‘half’ lied. He’ll say it for Neil.

‘Okay. Can I tell you something?’ Neil asked.

‘Yes.’ Todd nodded.

Todd saw slight worry in Neil’s eyes now, but no hesitation. What?

‘Peter called.’ Neil gulped, looking as guilty as Todd had. (Even though, there really was no point too).

‘Oh.’ Todd sighed slightly. Could Peter genuinely piss off!

‘I was going to tell you sooner- but I didn’t know how too. Y- you’re going through enough already.’

‘Don’t feel sympathetic, Neil. I can take care of myself just fine, alright?’

A pause.

‘No.’

‘What do you mean, no?’

‘No.’ Neil seemed rather proud of himself. Todd blushed.

‘Forget Peter, okay? And my father. And your father. And Nolan. And Hager. And Stick. And Cameron. And Chet. Just appreciate now. Here. Us.’ Neil squeezed Todd’s hand tightly.

‘Mhm,’ wait, ‘ Neil, are you jealous? ’ Todd laughed as he realised.

‘Huh? What?’

‘You said forget Stick. Because he’s my presentation partner.’

‘I- I didn’t say that.’ Neil’s cheeks flushed.

‘Oh my gosh! You’re actually jealous!’ Todd giggled.

‘Todd! Stop it!’ Neil protested.

‘You’re cute.’ Todd smiled.

'Shush.’

‘Neil?’ Todd said quietly.

‘Mhm?’

‘What are we?’

‘What do you mean?’ Neil questioned.

‘I like you. Hopefully you like me back. You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met. And I’m really lucky t- to have you. A- and it doesn’t have to be a label- or we d- don’t have to tell anyone immediately. I was j- just thinking if we’re like- ‘an item’. ‘ Todd blushed.

‘Of course I like you! I feel the same, Todd. I’m lucky to have you. And- we could be an item if you’d like.’ He grinned.

‘B- boyfriends?’ Todd stuttered.

‘Boyfriends.’ Neil confirmed.

And the next thing he knew, he was kissing his boyfriend. Wow. Wow!

After about 15 minutes, the pair had lied themselves into Neil’s crammed, single bed - close up and warm, and without fear in their small dorm where no one could interrupt. It was beautifully peaceful. 1:20 am. Owl hoots. Peace.

‘Happy valentine’s Todd.’ Neil whispered.

‘Happy valentine’s, Neil.’ He whispered back.

Chapter Text

February 18th, 1960

Surprisingly enough for Todd, the ‘performance’ he and Stick had put together as a pair for Keating’s class went pretty well. Todd’s confidence had sprouted a lot since his first few days at Welton (not increasingly, but enough that he was comfortable in front of his classmates). As the pair finished acting out a small scene from ‘ Hamlet’ , Todd had already felt Neil’s longing gaze burning into his face; a familiar proud stare.

That same night, the poets decided a meeting would be a perfect way to celebrate. And for Neil and Todd, maybe this was their chance. Maybe this was their chance to tell the poets who didn’t know.

┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈

Todd nodded at Neil through the dim light of the cave. Whatever reactions that were going to happen didn’t matter. They had Charlie. They had Meeks. They most likely had Cameron. They had eachother .

It was about an hour into the meeting, poems had been shared, performances were made, jokes were passed, as well as fair alcohol and Welton food that Knox had stolen from the kitchen.

The cave had gone annoyingly silent. This was just so coincidentally the perfect time. Todd shivered.

‘U- uhm.. can we tell you guys something?’ Neil spoke up, a tone of hesitation in his voice. Things were too real at this point.

All of the poets didn’t say anything.

Then, Charlie spoke up.

‘Sure! Tell us something.’

Neil gulped.

‘Me and Todd.. w- well.. we’re together.’

In the corner of Todd’s eyes, he saw most of the poets mouths drop. Except Charlie’s, Meeks’ and Cameron’s.

‘I KNEW IT.’ Pitts yelled out.

‘Pitts!’ Meeks groaned at him.

‘Nono- it’s good! I’m glad you told us.’ The boy claimed.

Neil smiled, but it was cut short by Knox’s reaction.

Knox just stared. Taken aback, Neil prepared what he’d have to say next. Todd looked down to the floor, Charlie tapped his shoulder in comfort. He flinched. Why was he sympathetic? They’d done nothing wrong.

‘What?! All this time, and you’ve said nothing? This is big, Neil! Are you sure? T- this could change your life!’ Knox bursted.

Todd cringed. What if Neil did actually change his mind? What if what Knox said was true?

‘Knox..’ Neil protested.

Charlie looked at Knox. It was a longing glare of discomfort and hurt. Like it meant something to him, too. Someone would have to speak up soon to break the awkward silence after Knox’s words.

‘Knox. It’s time for you to go back. Let’s go,’ Charlie said, as he ushered Knox out of the cave like a mother, ‘night guys. Congrats, lovebirds.’

Knox didn’t protest. He was drunk and near enough sobbing for no reason, it confused Charlie a lot, but he was still determined to get Knox back to his dorm. It was freezing outside, so not only did Charlie have to hold up Knox for his drunkenness, but to keep him warm . No, Charlie Dalton would never be able to have any relaxation in his life. Knox Overstreet was in his arms. But it didn’t matter, because Knox Overstreet wouldn’t remember. So truly, it wouldn’t mean anything, and deep down it pained Charlie.

‘Charlie?’ A muffled, unclear voice emerged from the boy he was holding upright.

‘Yes?’ He replied, keeping his voice partly stern.

‘I’m sorry.’ Knox said, just as similar as last time he spoke; muffled and unclear.

Charlie sighed, and halted them both.

‘I know you are, Knox. But it’s not me you should be telling.’

‘I’m sorry…’ Knox said again.

‘I just said you should tell that to N-‘

Charlie was interrupted by Knox’s alcohol coated lips. For a second, he kissed back, and realised that, no, he was drunk, so he broke it. But he didn’t move away.

‘You’re drunk.’ Charlie rolled his eyes.

‘Chaaaarlieeee,’ Knox groaned.

‘C’mon.’ Charlie dragged him closer to Welton with many thoughts.

┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈

Two months later, April 16th 1960

‘Todd!’

Todd’s head darted up at the voice that was shouting his name from the corridor. Huh?

‘Todd!’ Neil said as he emerged through their dorm door, ‘guess what!’

‘W- what?’ Todd laughed.

‘Long story short, my parents divorced- a- and my mother is letting me act! She’s letting me act Todd!’ Neil said, jumping around the room like a madman.

‘W- wait what? Your parents divorced? Neil- I thought that’s a bad thing?’ Todd looked at him, puzzled.

‘Hm. Not really. But my mother is legally the one taking care of me- a- and she’s letting me act! I’m going to Henley Hall for auditions tomorrow- for ‘Romeo and Juliet’. I can act! AGHHHH!’ Neil’s face lit up with pride. He was him again.

‘Oh! Well that’s great!’ Todd smiled.

‘It is great. You’re great.’ Neil replied, planting a small kiss on Todd’s cheek, ‘I’m gonna tell Charlie, you coming?’

‘Sure!’ Todd accepted, and followed Neil through to Charlie’s dorm.

The mistake that was made, though, was the fact that Neil didn’t knock.

‘Charlie my pa-‘

Neil opened the door, and the sight was rather unexpected (for himself, anyway).

Knox and Charlie - rather aggressively kissing.

‘Neil! Close the door!’ Charlie shouted.

Listening to his instructions, Neil rapidly closed the door.

‘How long have you known about this?’ Neil asked Todd, just knowing Charlie told him about it.

All he got as a reply, was Todd’s pure, teenage laughter.

‘And you didn’t tell me?! Wow. ’ Neil teasingly held his mouth open , in ‘shock’.

Todd just giggled endlessly.

‘What do you have to say, Anderson?!’

Todd looked in Neil’s eyes.

‘I- I think I’m inlove with you.’ Todd said, pretty confidently for himself, despite it being very random and, well, out of time. But he had to say it. He had to tell Neil how he felt. 

Neil grinned.

‘I think I’m inlove with you too.’