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Chapter Text

Viktor walked the down the academy halls, his leather messenger bag slung over his shoulder filled with notebooks and textbooks. The hallways were empty – only his footsteps and the taps of his cane filling them with sound.

It was early. 07:00 AM on a Monday. No one else arrived this early, except some professors every now and then. The earliest morning classes started at 8. Viktor liked the silence. He liked having the academy to himself, even if only briefly.

He opened the doors to his lab. Well, it wasn’t his. He had a desk for himself, that was all. The lab was reserved for the PhD students at the academy. They had the luxury of having their own designated desks to fill with books and papers as they pleased and two bigger shared desks for small engineering projects. Bigger projects required more equipment found in other labs. This one was more for testing theories and making prototypes. Viktor had started his PhD in January under the watchful, but well-meaning, eye of professor Heimerdinger. It was September now and the university opened its doors for a sleugh of new students. Viktor always quite enjoyed watching the new people arriving. It was easy to spot who was just starting their university degree; big, wide eyes looking around the buildings, scanning the crowds for new friends, mouth slightly agape in wonder and excitement. It reminded him of himself when he first arrived.

He sighed as he went over to his desk, plopping his bag on it and placing his cane at its side. He sat down, opened the metal buckles and fished out his notebooks. He had worked all through Saturday and would have on Sunday too, but he had promised Sky to meet up for coffee, and coffee turned to dinner and dinner turned to wine and a movie.

Sky had been his first friend when he first arrived at the academy. Like Viktor, she wasn’t from New York – she had grown up in Portland – and had come to study. Like Viktor. To be fair though, she was his only friend. It wasn’t so much that Viktor enjoyed solitude, he just found most Americans slightly off-putting. Too friendly, too smiling, too loud, too boisterous. He should have thought about that before he moved here. But Piltover Academy had an amazing reputation when it came to the sciences and engineering. So, in the end it had been a no-brainer. And with a city as big and chaotic as New York he could easily blend in.

Sky also seemed to be an exception. Quiet, sincere, calm, highly intelligent. They had spent most of their bachelor’s and master’s together. Worked on few projects together. It was easy to be with her. It had frustrated Viktor immensely when she, one evening after a few to many drinks, had confessed her love for him. He had had to let her down gently and they remained friends. He was eternally grateful that she had taken his rejection in stride. Maybe she knew deep down just why he couldn’t.

Sometimes he thought about it though. How easy it would be to be with her. How uncomplicated it could be. Settle down, marry, hole up in some townhouse-apartment in Morningside Heights, he could teach after he finished his thesis and she already a job that paid fairly well. It would be so nice and so lovely and just so uncomplicated. But it wouldn’t be fair to either of them. He couldn’t give her what she really wanted and they would both end up resenting him.

Viktor shook his head as he looked over his notes. He pulled his Walkman out of the bag and put his headphones over his ears. He had bought a few cassettes with him. Music made it easier to concentrate – made it easier to drown out the noise of the other people in the lab. He opened the compartment and put in Unknown Pleasures by Joy Division. The instrumentals of Disorder, track number one, filled his ears, his brain, his body as he closed eyes allowing himself to just enjoy it before he had to start his reading for the day.

He heard the heavy doors of lab slam shut and he saw movement in his periphery. Viktor looked at his watch; 07:30. Probably Heimerdinger, then. He looked up to greet him and was met by someone who was definitely not Heimerdinger.

At the door stood a tall, muscular man with tan skin. His hair was dark brown and short-ish, he had a strong jaw, high cheekbones and hazel eyes. He was probably a few years younger than Viktor. Not much though. And he was… well, he was beautiful. Breath-takingly so. Like a Hellenistic sculpture. Like the Barberini Faun he had seen in the Munich Glyptothek three years ago during his semester abroad. Abroad. Back in Europe. Yet far from both homes.

The man looked up and their gazes met. He gave Viktor a friendly grin as he moved towards him.

Viktor paused his Walkman and took off the headphones just in time for the man to reach Viktor’s desk.

“You’re Viktor Engels, right?”

“I am.”

“Oh man, I’ve read your master thesis probably, like, six times.” The man let out an awkward chuckle. “And the paper you wrote for Renewable and Sustainable Energy Reviews. You’re like miles ahead of the rest of us.”

“…Thank you.”

“Oh shit. I’m sorry.” The man stretched his hand out to Viktor.

“I’m Jayce. Jayce Talis.”

Viktor reached out and they shook hands.

“You’re working on your thesis with Heimerdinger, right? Ah, I was so disappointed when I missed the spot for that research position. But I had to write my masters first. You know how it is. Not that I’m complaining about my own position. I’m so excited to get started, what you’re doing just sounds pretty cool, you know? Working on a hybrid system between wind energy and biomass! My supervisor is Reveck, not that I don’t like him, Heimerdinger is just more approachable…” he trailed of.

“You can let go of my hand now.”

“Oh god!” Jayce dropped Viktor’s hand immediately. “Sorry.”

Viktor looked up at Jayce. Jayce Talis. What an unusual man.

Jayce Talis walked over to the empty desk next to Viktors. Of course. He put his bag on the table. It was messenger bag like Viktor’s, but Viktor could tell that Jayce’s bag was much more expensive than his own had been. Beautiful deep chocolaty brown with golden clasps and leather straps. As he opened it Viktor could see it had different compartments and the leather was stiff enough for the bag to stand upright and not fall over like Viktor’s old, second-hand bag did.

“So… your accent? Where are you from?”

“Czechoslovakia. Or Czech Republic, now, I suppose.”

“Ah. Had to escape the claws of Soviet communism?”

Viktor involuntarily let his mouth fall open. The gall of Americans, Jesus fucking Christ.

“Only to be thrust into the crutches of American capitalism,” he said, his face expressionless.

Jayce Talis’ eyes widened. He opened his mouth to say something but closed again. Instead, he settled on giving Viktor a sheepish smile before looking away and opening his own books.

Viktor did the same and put his headphones back on.

The week went by as Viktor’s weeks usually did. Early mornings and late nights. A few visits to Heimerdinger’s office. Reading, writing, reading, scribbling, reading, drawing blueprints. A lecture to attend, a lecture to teach.

And here was the first anomaly. Viktor entered the classroom with Heimerdinger, as usual. Heimerdinger sat down by the desk in the corner of the small podium to observe Viktor as he lectured and to help if needed, as usual. Viktor turned on the overhead-projector, as usual, and sorted through his notes, as usual. He wrote a little on the blackboard as the students slowly filled the room, as usual. He turned to face the bachelor students, as usual, and locked eyes with Jayce Talis.

Unusual.

Jayce Talis was sitting in the back row. Watching. Viktor felt a heat creep up on his cheeks and cleared his throat as he turned back to the blackboard. It was his own fault, really. For associating Jayce Talis with the Barberini Faun – leaning back on its seat, arms resting above its head, one leg propped up resting on the seat, the other dangling off the edge. Legs spread. Naked.

He cleared his throat again.

He took a few breaths and turned around to the students again. He gained his composure and started the lecture.  And he did his best to ignore the man in the back of room.

Unusual.

Friday evening came around. Viktor sat at his desk. The windows were open, letting in the warm September breeze. Viktor had his headphones on. David Bowie’s song Young Americans reverberating through them. His fellow students left the lab and he gave them a noncommittal wave as they said their goodbyes. He looked to his left and saw that Jayce Talis was also still in the lab.

Huh.

Viktor had expected someone as handsome and extroverted as Jayce Talis to be busy on a Friday evening. To be at a party surrounded by friends, beer in hand, dancing and singing along to whatever pop song was playing over the speakers. A girl in his arms. Hell, probably two.

Viktor looked back down and continued writing.

Sky had asked him to join her and her friends this evening. Board games and drinks. He had gone a few times and he liked it. He liked her friends and they seemed to like him. It was nice. It would be so uncomplicated if he could just like her the way she liked him. Or the way she had liked him, now. Sky had a boyfriend. Matthew. He was sweet. Doting. Funny. Intelligent as well, of course. He expected nothing less and wanted nothing less for Sky. She deserved someone who could actually love her.

Viktor had declined her invitation. He just wasn’t really in the mood. He wanted to stay in the lab until his eyes itched and then he wanted to go home, to settle on the couch with a cup of tea, rewatch Twin Peaks and fall asleep.

“Hey.”

Viktor startled and looked up. Jayce Talis was standing in front of him, looming over his desk. Viktor yanked his headphones off.

“Shit. Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s… all right.”

“Would you like to get a beer?”

Unusual.

Viktor looked up at Jayce’s face. His hazel eyes almost looked green in this light. Fascinating.

“Why?”

“What do you mean ‘why’?” Jayce let out a small laugh. “It’s Friday after all.”

Viktor didn’t answer. What a weird man.

“And, well, I would like to. Get a beer. With you?”

“Okay.”

“Really? Great! I know a place just around the corner.”

“We’re in a university quarter. There are bars around every corner,” Viktor retorted.

“Jesus, you’re not easy to impress, huh? Just let me buy you beer. Damn,” Jayce’s voice was playful as he spoke.

Viktor looked down at his notes. “Give me another five minutes. I want to finish this thought.” He wiggled his pencil.

“Sure. Of course. I need to get my thing in order anyways too,” Jayce smiled.

Viktor poured his concentration back to his scribbles. He didn’t want to leave anything unfinished before heading out. He’d done it once before, thinking that he would obviously know what to do the following day, only to look at the notes with utter confusion the next morning.

“Done,” Viktor said as he closed his notebook.

Jayce looked at his watch on his wrist. It looked like a Seiko watch. Not crazy expensive but good quality. It had a brown leather band and the watch itself had a silver rim with silver numbers adorning a dark blue background behind the glass. Simple yet stylish.

“That was exactly five minutes,” Jayce chuckled.

“Well, that’s what I said I needed, didn’t I?” Viktor teased.  

Jayce’s surprised gaze immediately went to meet Viktor’s. He probably didn’t expect Viktor to match his own playfulness.

“All right, let’s go.”

They entered the busy bar. The floor was wooden panels with dark green walls. The tables were painted dark brown as was the bar. It was dimly lit, with Christmas light decorating the ceiling. Those ghastly American Christmas lights in blue, red, green, purple, orange, yellow. You wouldn’t find those in Europe. And yet it suited this bar. The atmosphere was cozy but not too intimate. People were being loud, laughing, music was playing over the speakers.

Jayce leaned in close and pointed to a small round table in the corner. “There.” Viktor could feel his breath tickle his hair as he spoke.

They snaked their way between the other tables and Viktor sat down. Jayce took off his coat and then his cream-coloured sweater, revealing a dark blue polo he had stuffed down into his grey, loose suit pants which fit snugly around his waist with a black leather belt. Hm. Not quite a naked faun yet somehow even more tantalizing.

“I’m going to go and buy us that beer, hm?” he said as he turned around and went for the bar.

Viktor shucked off his own jacket. He wore a brown button-down with black jeans. He looked down at his feet. The black Doctor Martens he wore all year around except in the summer months. He fished them out of his closet as soon as September came around. Even if it was still a little too warm outside. They had been a gift from his father when Viktor turned 17. He was 25 now. What an investment.

They were seated next to the wall so Viktor leaned his cane against it, keeping it comfortably close and within reach.  

Jayce came back with two beers in hand. As their eyes met, he grinned and lifted his eyebrows, placing one glass in front of Viktor and the other before his chair as he sat down.

“Cheers,” he said as he lifted his glass towards Viktor. They clinked their beers together and took a sip.

“Thank you for agreeing to come with me.”

“I didn’t feel like I had much of choice.”

“Am I that persuasive?”

“Maybe. Or maybe you looked like you would cry if I denied you.”

“Ha! Ouch,” Jayce laughed. His hazel eyes looked like a darker brown in this light. Fascinating. Viktor wanted to hold his face, turn it around and see how his eyes would change colour. He wanted to study them. To study Jayce.

He hoped they would look green again the next time they were in the lab.

“So… how long have you lived here?” Jayce asked cautiously.

“Hm. I moved here to study. So about six years ago now, I suppose,” Viktor ran a hand through his hair and he couldn’t help but notice how Jayce’s eyes followed it.

“Forgive my ignorance,” Jayce held up both his hands in a defensive pose. “But I thought the USSR didn’t allow people to just study abroad. Especially people in the sciences. You know… wall and all.”

“There’s a wall?!” Viktor feigned surprise. Jayce chuckled in response. Viktor quite liked his chuckle. “You do know ‘the wall’ isn’t actually a solid wall through Germany? It’s just around West Berlin.”

“I know! You know what I mean.”

“Yes… Well, we went just before “the wall” fell. But they had already eased up on restrictions by a lot. My mum has a cousin that moved to Canada, Toronto, in the 60s. So, we went there first and then to New York so I could study at Piltover,” Viktor explained.

“Hm,” Jayce nodded pensively.

“What? Not dramatic enough for you? I’m sorry. Let me try again. We dug a tunnel for several days! All the way from Prague to West Germany! We almost starved! We were almost shot!” Viktor tugged at his own shirt, “These are the only clothes I own!”

“All right, all right,” Jayce laughed. “Sorry I don’t know the intricacies of moving from the Soviet Union to America,” he shrugged, his body language open, grinning and eyes fixed on Viktor.

“I forgive your foolish mistakes,” Viktor said with a glint in his eyes as he took a sip of his beer.

“Do you ever miss it?”

“Sometimes.”

“You ever think of going back?”

“Hm. Don’t know what I would come back to. No family that I keep in touch with. It’s not even the same country anymore,” Viktor shrugged. “What about you? Native New Yorker?”

“Yeah. Grew up in Corona. My mom immigrated from Brazil before I was born. Met my dad. The rest is history. I took my bachelor at NYU but decided to take my master's at Piltover. Few schools have as good as reputation as the academy when it comes to engineering.”

Viktor nodded. Jayce turned his eyes to his half-empty beer and Viktor took the opportunity to quite simple stare at Jayce. His broad shoulders and chest. His biceps straining the short sleeves of the polo. His large hands as they wrapped around the glass. He looked up to find Jayce staring back at him. But he didn’t react. Not really. Viktor thought he saw a quick glimpse of curiosity flash behind Jayce’s fascinating eyes. But he probably imagined that.

“So, what are you working on with Reveck? What’s your big thesis?”

Jayce took a deep breath as he averted gaze back to his beer.

“Simply put… making solar cells more sustainable. It’s small changes to existing systems but hopefully I can make a difference. Using ultra-thin crystalline silicon wafers to optimize the photovoltaic system. Or just the ‘solar power system’. I want solar cells to be safer, easier, cheaper, more durable. Put them on rooftops in cities. I want to make the world better, you know. It’s cheesy, I guess. But the greenhouse-gas emissions of solar farms are less than 50 grams per kilowatt-hour! You know how much a gas-fired power plant emits per kilowatt-hour? 500 grams! Coal emits a 1000 grams per kilowatt-hour!” he chuckled breathlessly.

“I can’t quite explain it thoroughly yet. Ask me again in five years,” he looked back up at Viktor with fire in his eyes.

Viktor smiled and nodded. Jayce practically came alive talking about his thesis. He knew that feeling well. “I will.”

They sat in silence for a few moments. But it didn’t feel as awkward as these silences usually did. Viktor noticed Jayce looking at his cane that was propped up next to him.

“I was born with femoral anteversion in my leg. Makes it hard to walk. My femur basically turns inward, as well as my knee because of it. The muscles aren’t as strong as they should be. The cane offers support. I also have a knee-brace,” Viktor stretched out his leg and patted at his knee. The brace hidden under his jeans. His calf almost touching Jayce’s thigh.

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t feel sorry for me.”

“Ah. Hm. I meant sorry for staring.”

Viktor chuckled. ”I’m surprised you didn’t stare at it sooner. Sometimes it’s the only thing people notice about me. Certainly the first thing.”

There was a brief silence. Viktor was sure that Jayce just repressed an involuntary I’m sorry.

“There were other things I noticed about you before I even saw the cane,” Jayce said as he looked down the glass again.

Huh. Unusual. Viktor had not expected that. Jayce Talis continued to make Viktor’s life unusual. He relaxed his outstretched leg causing it to lean ever so slightly against Jayce’s leg. Jayce looked up. Viktor tried to keep his face calm – not revealing anything but not looking away either. The silence between them now was different. Tense. Viktor felt his own heartbeat in his chest. He hoped it wasn’t visible through his shirt even though it felt like it should be.

A moment passed and Jayce stretched out his own legs causing they to brush up against each other. As his legs settled, Viktor’s bad leg was partially resting over and on Jayce’s knees. Viktor felt the heat course through his body. Was it his own or was it Jayce’s? He was so painfully aware of the small point of contact between their bodies.

“So, what about you?” Jayce broke the tension. “How’s your thesis going so far? With Heimerdinger?”

“Good. Good. I’m still in the ‘purely researching’ phase. I read so much and gain so much new information everyday I’m surprised I can still remember my own name at this point.” They chuckled.

“As for Heimerdinger… He’s well-meaning but very eccentric. Sometimes a tad too much. And he’s got no sense of time. Makes it annoying to arrange meetings. But there’s no denying that he’s brilliant.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. Reveck’s eccentric too. And he’s kinda terrifying. Intense.”

“Maybe eccentric what’s store for us too when were done here.”

Jayce laughed. “Yeah, maybe. I think I can live with that. Being old and eccentric.”

“There are worse fates, sure.”    

They stumbled out of bar hours later. God, had it really been hours? Viktor looked at his watch. Fuck. It had been. He looked over to Jayce who was closing his jacket. Viktor couldn’t remember the last time he had had such a fun time. Jayce turned his head to look at him while swaying slightly.

 “I probably should have skipped that last beer,” Jayce said as he dragged a hand across his face.

Viktor laughed. “The last two at least, I think.”

“I’m like twice your size! How are you so unfazed?”

“My Slavic genes. Made to drink vodka, forced to drink American beer.”

Jayce went up to him and slung his arm around Viktor’s shoulders, squeezing him slightly. “How are you getting home, huh?”

“I think you should worry more about yourself. But I’m probably just taking the subway. I’m lucky, there’s a station five minutes from my apartment.”

“Ugh. I should probably take a cab. Oh god, Mel will be furious I’m not home yet. I promised to be with her tomorrow. Now I’ll have a hangover.”

Viktor felt his heart drop to stomach. Of course. It made sense. God, Viktor wanted to hit himself on the head with his cane. Would that count as self-flagellation? Probably not.

Jayce stretched his free arm out and a taxi came to the curb next to them. Jayce turned around at gave Viktor a hug. It was just two seconds longer than social cues deemed appropriate. Viktor was sure he felt Jayce’s breath on his neck and his nose in his hair.

Then Jayce went in the taxi, closed the door, waved as it drove away, and Viktor was left standing on the sidewalk. Speechless.

Chapter Text

Viktor woke sprawled out, in his boxers, on his bed. His head hurt. His lower back hurt. But it usually did. Sitting down all day felt good for his leg but his back eventually complained. He hadn’t been as diligent about his physical therapy as he should. And today was definitely not the day to rectify it, his throbbing head reminding him he couldn’t drink like he was 18 anymore.

He slowly rose from the bed, stepping over the brace that was laying on the floor and went over to his closet, picking out the first t-shirt he could grab. He pulled it over his head, picked up his cane and walked out into the living room.

Viktor’s apartment was quaint but he loved it. It was his. The living room and kitchen were combined, he had a small bathroom and a small bedroom. It was everything he needed.

He went up to the kitchen counter to make himself a cup of tea. He opened the cabinets looking at his selection. Earl Gray? Eh. He went for a ginger-lemon tea to help with the slight nausea he was feeling. He picked out a mug, put the tea in it and poured water in his kettle. As the kettle began working, he turned around, leaning with his lower back against the counter. He dragged a hand across his check and rubbed it. If he felt like this, he wondered how shitty Jayce must feel.

Jayce.

Viktor let out a frustrated groan. Of course he had a girlfriend. What had even convinced Viktor otherwise? Delusion. That’s what. Hope. Loneliness, maybe. Definitely horniness. There was no denying that. Jayce Talis might be the most gorgeous man Viktor had ever seen. But that was an easy problem to solve. Maybe he should go down to one the bars tonight - if he felt better.

He looked around his apartment. The floorboards were simple light wood and the walls were white. The apartment itself was boring. But Viktor had adorned it with busy bookshelves and posters and art he found at flea markets. Most of his stuff was second-hand. He had a rectangular dining table with four matching chairs. Viktor’s heart nearly stopped when he first saw it – it was a beautiful table made of rosewood. 1960’s Danish design. And the owner had had no idea. Sold it to Viktor for practically nothing. It had almost been more expensive to pay for the van to transport it to his place. But it had been worth it.

His other prized possession was his record player and his vinyl collection. Record players were no longer cool, he had to admit, but he liked the tactile feel of vinyls more. Setting them on the platter, carefully placing the needle. CDs were cheaper and CD players were easier to manage but they fell flat in comparison. He had obtained a large music collection since moving to the US. Bowie, of course, The Cure, Echo and the Bunnymen, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Pixies, Joy Division – and then New Order, Sonic Youth, Kate Bush were some of the older ones. Nirvana, Beck, Weezer, Placebo and Massive Attack were some of the newer ones. He had recently bought a vinyl from a British band called Suede. It had blown him away. He had listened to their song Animal Nitrate on repeat. Bought it as a cassette too for his Walkman. He also had a collection of odd vinyls he’d find at the flea markets. Mostly old jazz, classical music, Motown, he had found several albums from The Beach Boys, Nancy Sinatra, and on the other end of the spectrum he had the likes of Kraftwerk and Donna Summers. He had preferences, sure, but he was always ready to expand his horizons.

The kettle clicked and steam came out of its nozzle. He turned around and poured the boiling water over the teabag. He put two slightly stale pieces of bread in the toaster and waited for them to be done. As they popped out, he put them on a plate, spread butter on them and went to sit down on his brown, dingy, three-person sofa. He sighed contentedly and picked the remote off the small table in front of him.  

Viktor woke again. This time on his couch. His headache had subsided, thankfully. In front of him was an empty plate and an empty mug. He should probably shower.

So, he did. Slowly. As he stood under the water his back now hurt from laying in an uncomfortable position on the sofa. Ah well. Not much do about that. His thoughts went back to earlier. Should he go out tonight? Did he feel like it? He ran a hand through his hair, down his throat, and over his chest. He messaged his shoulders slightly, the image of Jayce’s arm around them crashing into him. His hazel eyes that turned green and brown and back to hazel. His arms, his legs, his…

Yes, Viktor should go out. He shook his head. Weirded out by himself. Feeling guilty for thinking about his new friend in such a way. But it was an easy problem to solve.

As Viktor entered the bar he scanned the crowd for familiar faces. Behind the bar was Sevika, as always. Tall, short black hair that ended just at her jawline, strong arms and shoulders that she showed off in tight fitting tank tops. Women practically threw themselves at her. He went up and nodded in her direction.

“Viktor! Always good to see you,” her voice was husky and warm.

“Sevika. Can I get a whiskey sour?” he climbed not so elegantly up on one of the barstools and rested his elbows on the bar.

She hummed, turned around and started on his drink.

Viktor looked around. He was so grateful to have found this place. The Last Drop. It waslively but looked more like a dive bar than the other gay bars he had been to. Here, he mostly came to just to sit and talk. If he wanted a quick fuck there were other places to go to that always ended in success. Success? Eh. Whatever you want to call blowjob in a dimly lit toilet stall. Satisfaction, more like it.

Viktor had met the owners on several occasion. Two men in their fifties. Now, they had a story to tell. They had worked together in the mines. Mines! They had bonded over their shared political activism; calling for strikes, strengthening the union. And they had fallen in love. So, they moved to New York in the early 80’s in the hopes to have a better life together here than the one they would have had in fucking Kentucky. They had had several political conversations over beers. Unlike most other Americans Viktor had met, Silco and Vander had an active interest in socialism, which Viktor shared to some degree, and an almost idealistic view of the USSR, which he was less likely to indulge in.

But he understood. In a country where its people were so dependent on their material conditions as the US, he understood the appeal of Marxism and dialectical materialism. He agreed. Class consciousness was a necessary step for people to understand that they were being exploited. That the rich do not have their interests at heart – only their own.

But it was funny. In the East, Western culture was seen as exciting. An incredible alternative to what they had. And then Viktor moved to the West only to be sorely disappointed. USA; one of the richest countries in the world and yet a quarter of a million people lived in perpetual homelessness. Silco had had to take on a second job while still working in the mines. Like so many others as well.

But Viktor was also quite sure that if Silco had to move to Soviet Russia, that he too would be in for a disheartening surprise.

Silco was quite the radical while Vander was more soft-spoken. Their discussions made for entertaining evenings and Viktor couldn’t help but feel a little envious of the love between the two men.

Viktor’s gaze was met by dark brown eyes. A long, pretty, androgynous face. Almost too pretty. Tall and slender frame. Long blonde hair. The man raised his glass and nodded at Viktor. Viktor nodded back. The man took the invitation and sauntered across the bar to the empty barstool next to Viktor.

“Hi. Adrian.”

“Viktor.”

They shook hands. Sevika placed Viktor’s drink in front of him and gave him a knowing smirk. He rolled his eyes in response.

“So, what do you do, Viktor? For work?”

“Student. Well. Doctorate. I work with chemical engineering.”

“Seems interesting. I have a degree in art history myself.”

Adrian clinked their glasses together and they both took a sip. “I work at Salo’s Gallery on the Upper East Side.”

“Can’t say I’ve ever been.”

“Well, maybe I can show you around one day.”

“Hmm. Maybe,” Viktor turned his body so that they were fully facing each other.

“You appreciate art, Viktor? Even as a man of science?”

“I fail to see how they’re mutually exclusive?”

“I guess I’m projecting. I know nothing of chemical engineering.”

“Makes sense, no? Art is visual. Aesthetically pleasing, most of the times. Provokes contemplation. For most people engineering is just equations. It’s boring.”

“But not for you?” Adrian put a hand on Viktor’s thigh.

“No. Not for me.”

Viktor pushed Adrian against the wall as he closed the door with his foot. They were on each other immediately. Gasping into each other’s mouths. Viktor’s cane clattered as it hit the ground. Adrian arched an eyebrow.

“Will you be okay without it?”

“I have you to hold me up, don’t I?” Viktor smirked. “But I do think the bed will be more comfortable.”

They kissed as they walked towards Viktor’s bedroom, grasping at clothes, pulling them off. Adrian sat down at the edge of Viktor’s bed and Viktor stood between his thighs. He kissed Viktor’s chest and down his stomach, fumbling with his belt and zipper. The trousers fell to the ground and Viktor stepped out of them, placing a hand on Adrian’s shoulder for balance. Viktor noticed a slight shift in Adrian as he caught sight of Viktor’s brace. He looked up at Viktor and slowly let his hand trail down to the brace. Viktor took Adrian’s wrist and shook his head.

“Take off your pants,” he ordered and Adrian followed suit.

Viktor sat down on the bed next to Adrian and undid his brace, carefully sliding it off his leg.

“Does it hurt?”

“No,” Viktor lied.

Viktor scooted up on the bed and laid down on his back. Adrian crawled on top of him, his long, soft hair cascading down and tickling Viktor. Viktor dug one of his hands into Adrian’s hair, almost at the scalp, and tugged slightly. Adrian let out a satisfied moan. His other hand trailed down between Adrian’s legs as he wrapped his hand around him. Adrian thrust into his hand, letting out needy moans.

“Lie on your stomach.”

Adrian jumped off immediately and did as he was told. Viktor took off his own underwear and sat down on the back of Adrian’s thighs, placing kisses on his back. He grabbed the lube from the drawer in his nightstand and slowly worked Adrian open with his fingers.

After a while Adrian nodded, gasping into the pillow. “I’m ready.”

Viktor put a condom on and lowered himself into Adrian.

Fuck, it felt good.

Viktor was sat at his desk when Jayce walked in. Jayce looked good. Infuriatingly so. Brown wide tweed pants and a white oversized Ralph Lauren button down with the top buttons undone, a grey t-shirt underneath, and the sleeves rolled up. Put together. Academic confidence oozing out of every pore.

“Morning!” he smiled at Viktor and Viktor smiled back.

“Good morning.”

“I had a lot of fun on Friday.”

Viktor nodded. “I hope your hangover wasn’t too bad.”

“Eh…” Jayce shrugged and chuckled.

Viktor mustered up the courage deep inside of him. “Was… was your… was Mel mad?”

“Huh?”

“You mentioned someone would be mad if you were to have a hangover on Saturday.”

“Oh. Right. Yeah, she was. Heh. Her mother is in town and she is not an easy woman to be with. Mel needed me as moral support. I tried my best but,” Jayce puffed out his chest and theatrically waved his arms outwards, “Ambessa Merdada is not to be trifled with.”

Merdada? The name rang a bell. Viktor felt like he must have read in the paper recently.

“Ambessa Merdada? One of the CEO’s of Lockheed Martin?”

“The one and only.”

Viktor scoffed. “You do know what her firm does, right? Jayce?”

“I… well… yes.”

“And you’re with her daughter?”

“Wi...? Wait hang on, Mel is nothing like her mother.”

“Oh, I’m sure.”

Jayce looked at Viktor in confusion. “Little harsh to judge a woman based on the sins of her mother, don’t you think?”

“Not when her mother profits off of war.”

Jayce sighed and turned to his desk, placing a book on it with a loud thwump.

Viktor bit his lip. This was not how it was supposed to go. They didn’t even know each other that well and know Viktor was calling his girlfriend a bad person.

“Ah… Jayce, I’m sorry. I’m sure she is nice; I haven’t even met her. I’m sorry.”

Jayce turned back towards him. Hazel eyes flickering green. A moment of hesitation. “I was actually wondering if you could help me with something.”

“Of course.”

“I just want to get your opinion on something…” Jayce stood up and dragged his chair from his desk over to Viktor’s. He placed his notebook in front of Viktor and pointed at the open page as he sat down next to him.

Viktor’s eyes drifted from Jayce down to the notes. Jayce leaned in closer, his arm brushing up against Viktor’s elbow.

“I want to optimize solar panels that track the movement of the sun. Current technology is struggling in the winter due to the sun being lower in the sky. Absorption – and therefore energy convention – is not as high. Obviously, part of it is about the panels having the right angle but what if we could improve their coating? Dust and dirt and grime stick to the panels over time reducing the amount of light actually admitted to the cells…”

“So, you’re suggesting finding a material to coat the panels making them more resistant?” Viktor finished his sentence scanning over his notes.

“Exactly,” Jayce agreed with excitement in his voice.

Viktor turned his head and looked at Jayce. Their faces were close. As if Jayce had the same thought he pulled back slightly.

“It could work, of course. Do you have any ideas yet?”

Jayce took the notebook and flipped through a few pages before putting it in front of Viktor again with a beaming smile.

Viktor couldn’t help but smile back. Jayce’s energy was infectious. “Explain it to me,” Viktor said as he leaned back into his chair. And Jayce did. For hours. And Viktor would listen. For hours.

The week went by. Viktor spent most of the time in the shared lab. Jayce was there but not every day. They took their lunch breaks together. Talking was easy. Their shared passion making it almost impossible to not have something to talk about.

“Mel and I are having friends over on Saturday. Wanna join us?”

Viktor instinctively wanted to say no but then again…

“Sure. Thank you.”

“Awesome. We’re thinking around 8. Here let me write the address, Jayce ripped a piece of paper from his notebook and scribbled the address down.

Viktor recognised the address as being on the Upper East Side. He arched an eyebrow at Jayce.

“It’s Mel’s,” Jayce retorted sheepishly. “But I’ll see you there?” He put his hand on Viktor’s shoulder.

Viktor folded the paper and put it in the pocket of his jacket. “Yes. I look forward to it.”

Viktor lived just at the edge of Chinatown. The apartment had been incredibly cheap compared to other places he had looked at with roughly the same square meters. Crime had been rampant in the area in the 70s and 80s which probably explained the rent. And likely also Sinophobia. Viktor was just happy he found it. His small haven.

But now he was on his way to a complete other part of New York. One he rarely saw. He sat in the subway clutching his cane. The transit was roughly 40 minutes. He leaned his head back against the window of the train and closed his eyes.

God, why had he agreed? Because of Jayce. His good friend. His good new friend, Jayce. Viktor exhaled. He could do this. He could socialise with people who lived on the Upper East Side. He had a bottle of wine in his bag and all he could think about was how it probably was nowhere near fancy enough for these people.

But if Jayce knew them, called them his friends, surely, they could not be that bad.

The subway neared his stop and he stood up. The train jerked as it came to a halt and Viktor’s cane slipped on the grimy floors. He tripped and collided into the back of the woman in front of him. She turned around with a sour expression, looking like she was about to curse him, when she noticed his cane and her expression shifted to pity.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. God, he truly hated it when people looked at him like that.

He took the elevator up and was out on the busy street. He reached for his pocket and took out the paper with the address on it. It wasn’t very far thankfully. The warm September weather had gone quickly, replaced by autumn chills. It had rained the whole day as well, though now the sky was clearing slowly, the dark grey clouds dissipating allowing the sunset colours to come through.

Viktor didn’t want to be too early. Arriving at 8 sharp seemed intrusive somehow. So now it was half past and that seemed much more appropriate.

He arrived at the address and looked at the building. It was tall and white with some ornamental designs decorating the windows of the lower floor. He swallowed as he went inside. It had a lobby with a concierge. Fucking hell.

“Good evening. How can I help you?” The concierge must have clocked Viktor’s befuddled look.

“I’m… here for Jayce Talis?”

“Ah, I see,” the man pointed towards an elevator. “Fifth floor and then on your right.”

“Thank you,” Viktor stepped into the elevator and observed himself in the mirror inside it. He looked tired, but didn’t he always? His hair was slightly messy due to the wind. He tried to straighten it out a little but to no avail. It had to do. He looked down his body. Tall, lanky, skinny. He wore the same black jeans as last Friday, this time with a brown belt. He had gone for a burgundy long-sleeved shirt with a white t-shirt underneath, peeking out at the collar, tucked into his jeans. His beige utility jacket fitting well around his shoulders. Viktor straightened his back and puffed out his chest slightly. He looked good. His outfit was nice. Complimented him. His amber eyes and high cheekbones standing out. He nodded to himself.

The elevator chimed as it reached the fifth floor. He went right and stood at the door.

Jayce Talis and Mel Merdada

Viktor took a deep breath as he rang the bell.  

Chapter Text

Viktor rang the bell. He heard voices through the door.

It opened and he was greeted by a woman. Piercing blue eyes and striking sharp features. Her hair so black it almost looked dark blue. She greeted him with a polite smile.

“You must be Viktor? I’m Caitlyn.”

“Yes. Hi.”

She ushered him in and he stepped into a beautiful hallway. Cream coloured walls with high panels. Soft, warm lighting. Music was playing in the background, animated voices, laughter.

“You can hang your coat here,” she gestured to the coat rack on the wall. It was already filled with coats and jackets.

“Jayce!” she shouted into the living room. A few seconds later he appeared.

“Viktor, hey! So glad you came!” His bright smile put Viktor’s nerves to rest. Slightly. He closed the distance between them and enveloped Viktor in a warm hug. Viktor’s mind sprung to the memory of Jayce hugging him outside the bar. Jayce turned to Caitlyn, one of his arms still slung around Viktor’s shoulders. “I see you’ve met Cait,” Jayce put his free hand on her head and ruffled her hair. She slapped his hand away and rolled her eyes. “Let’s go, I’ll introduce you to the rest.”

They walked into the living room and Jayce let go of his grip around Viktor. The warmth left Viktor’s body immediatly. The room was big, high ceilings and wide windows. A huge beige boucle sofa stood in one end of the room with two leather armchairs on either side, slightly turned towards the sofa which was facing a modern TV. The furniture was clearly designer but Viktor couldn’t place it. There were French glass doors leading out to a balcony. The dining table was big with accompanying chairs. The interior was sleek and modern. A little devoid of personality. The only thing that truly caught his attention were the lamps hanging from the ceiling over the table. Snowball Sputnik lamps by Austrian designer Emil Stejnar. They were much older than anything else in the room. A true centrepiece in contrast to everything else.

As they entered, people looked up and gave Viktor smiles and nods and waves. There were probably around 20 people. Jayce introduced them all and Viktor knew he would forget most of their names. Their clothes were nice, crisp, expensive.

“Ah, Mel. This is Viktor.” Viktor turned around and saw arguably the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He might not be attracted to her but he still had functional eyes. Her skin was glowing, her hair in an intricate updo with a few braids cascading down her back and shoulders, adorned with golden clasps matching her earrings and necklace. Like everyone else she probably wore clothes that cost more than a month of Viktor’s rent. She looked downright regal. The way she carried herself.

Viktor extended his hand and she took it in her own.

“Pleasure. Jayce has told me much about you,” she said with a gentle smile. Her voice like butter. A soft British accent.

“Likewise,” Viktor did his best to sound polite. He wanted to be polite. “I brought wine.” He held the bottle in front of him and she took it from him.

“Ah, Zinfandel. Lovely, thank you. Let me get some glasses,” she put the bottle on the table and disappeared to another room.

“Come, let’s sit,” Jayce pointed to two empty chairs at the table. So, they sat.

Mel came back with a few wine glasses and a corkscrew for the wine. She placed a glass in front of Viktor and one in front of Jayce.  “Anyone want some wine?” A few people raised their hands. As she went to uncork the bottle, Jayce stood up.

“Let me do it,” he said with smile. She nodded and handed it over to him. They were both so beautiful. Truly made for each other.

The cork went out with a pop and Jayce went around pouring wine in the glasses before sitting back down next to Viktor.

“Hey, we’re gonna play a game, wanna join us?” Caityln asked from the other end of the table.

Jayce looked over to Viktor. Viktor gave him a noncommittal nod. “Yeah sure, what do you have mind?”

They explained the rules to some drinking game that was just like one he would play in high school in his homeland. The few times he went to house parties.

The alcohol started to calm his nerves and he found himself relaxing more, laughing and joking along with the others. Every now and then he would feel Jayce’s eyes on him, and every now and then he would look at Jayce when Jayce looked away.

The people were nice. Not quite as terrifying as Viktor had made them out to be. And Mel was nice, as well. Nice, nice, nice. But they had an air of arrogance to them. Blissfully unaware of the world around them. Protected in their bubble, nothing to worry about.

“I’m gonna have a smoke,” Jayce stood up and turned to Viktor. “Want one?”

Viktor didn’t smoke. Not really. Very, very rarely. “Sure.”

They went out on the small balcony, the cool air hitting them, Viktor letting out an involuntary shudder. The balcony had a teeny tiny table with one chair. On the table was a packet of cigarettes and an ashtray. Jayce took the packet in hand and fished out two cigarettes, plopping one in his own mouth as he handed the other to Viktor. He dug a lighter out of his back pocket and lit up his own before holding out the flickering flame and raising his eyebrows.

Viktor leaned forward slightly and inhaled as he put the cigarette to the lighter. He looked up and saw Jayce staring at him. Dark brown eyes boring into him. Tracing his face before looking into Viktor’s eyes. Viktor leaned back against the railing, resting his arm against the top of it for support, and took a puff of the cigarette holding Jayce’s gaze. Lingering.

 Viktor gestured to the living room.

“You have… very affluent friends.”

Jayce seemingly broke out of the spell and took a drag.

“Yeah,” he exhaled. “I went to a public school near where I grew up. But I was good in school and the teachers noticed. So, first they made me skip a grade. But it still wasn’t… enough? I guess. So, the principal noticed and told my mom about a scholarship grant for “gifted kids”. I transferred to Stuyvesant High School and met most of the people in there,” he jerked his head in their direction.

“I was so embarrassed at first. These people spoke a different language than me. English, yes, and yet somehow not at all.” He let out a small laugh. “I didn’t invite anyone to my birthday for years because when I went to their birthday parties, and I saw how they lived and where they lived…. The thought of any one of them seeing the apartment my mom and I lived in was mortifying.”

Viktor nodded. “I understand in some ways. I also felt very alien when I first came here. The cane. The accent. My English was not very good in the beginning.”

“It’s great now.”

“I put in the effort. Though I think I am stuck with accent,” Viktor gestured to his mouth, chuckling.

“I like your accent,” the earnestness in Jayce’s voice made Viktor’s head spin. “It’s charming.”

“Thank you,” he murmured. He cleared his throat trying to think of something to say. “So… how long have you and Mel been together?” Nice. Real smooth, Viktor. You idiot.

“We’re not.”

“Oh? I assumed…” This doesn’t change anything, Viktor told himself. Even if his heart betrayed him by beating just a little faster.

“We were. At one point. But that’s like ages ago. After high school,” Jayce turned his head to look out over the balcony into the city. “That might be the one thing Mel and her mom have in common. When they want something, they get it. And they always know what they want. Mel had – I mean, she still has – this plan for her life. And she put me in there as well. But,” he sighed, “I didn’t fit. I did not know how I wanted my life to be when I was… what? 18 years old. I just knew I wanted to study at Piltover.”

“Well, looks like you have attained that goal at least.” Play it cool. It doesn’t change anything. We’re friends. This is friendly. Jayce is just being nice.

“Yeah.”

Their eyes met and Viktor saw that glimmer of curiosity again. Viktor put the cigarette back to his lips and took a drag. Jayce’s eyes followed the movement. Transfixed. Viktor noticed how Jayce’s breathing looked more staggered. Shorter breaths. Viktor knew that Jayce was looking into his eyes. He conjured the bravery inside him to draw his eyes from Jayce’s and down to his lips. Holding them there for just a moment before looking back up into his hazel eyes. Viktor was sure he saw Jayce’s pupils dilate as their eyes met again.

Jayce’s gaze trailed down Viktor’s body as he shifted just a little closer. Viktor felt a flutter move through his body. He felt his heartbeat in his throat. Jayce placed his hand on the railing of the balcony, fingers almost touching Viktor’s. Viktor flexed his hand so their fingertips met. Jayce’s breath hitched in response and he took another small step closer while sliding his hand further up the railing and under Viktor’s fingers. Viktor caressed Jayce’s hand with his thumb.

It felt like time stood still. Viktor wanted to grab him and kiss him. Shove him against the railing and slide his tongue down along the column of Jayce’s throat. He wanted to bite his jawline and run his hand through that perfectly coiffed hair.

Jayce opened his mouth to speak. “I -”

A loud laughter erupted from the living room, startling them both.

“Let’s go back inside,” Jayce said, his face flushed. He squashed the cigarette bud in the ashtray and cleared his throat as he opened the door to go in. He sat down on an empty chair next to Caitlyn leaving Viktor to sit somewhere else. Not next to each other.

Viktor exhaled shakily. His brain was buzzing. From the alcohol, of course. He looked down at his watch. It was just a little past midnight.

“I should probably head home.”

Jayce turned his head up towards him, brows furrowed, Viktor could have sworn he looked sad.

“Already?” Caitlyn asked.

“Yes… I… um,” Viktor tapped his leg with his cane, “I am tired.” Always an easy excuse. No one dared question if it was true. Though most of the times it was. He looked down at Jayce. Jayce’s eyes flickered back and forth like he was searching for something.

“Okay. Let me let you out,” he said finally.

They went down the hallway to the door in silence. Viktor put on his jacket in silence. Why did it sting so?

Jayce opened the door for him. “Right. I’ll see you in the lab.”

Viktor nodded and walked out. Jayce closed the door behind him. Viktor’s heart hurt. Stupid.

Viktor had not come into the lab on Monday. He needed a break. Not from his reading but from Jayce. They had gotten too close too fast. It wasn’t normal. He shouldn’t feel like this. It was too much and now he had a knot in his stomach that wouldn’t go away.

He had called Sky and invited her over for dinner. She had been surprised, to put it mildly. Viktor never invited her over. It was almost always Sky who had to initiate hang-outs.

His doorbell rang and he opened the main door through the intercom. He started gathering the books and papers that he had sprawled out on his dining table. A knock on his door.

“Heeyy!” she said with a beaming smile as he opened his door. He gestured for her to come in.

“I bought takeout,” she lifted a plastic bag. “Udon noodles and teriyaki chicken.”

“You did not need to that. But thank you.”

“Why? Where you gonna cook?” she laughed.

He shrugged his shoulders. No, he most definitely wasn’t. She looked at the mess on the table.

“Should we eat on the couch?”

“Good idea.”

They settled and she took out the containers and wooden chopsticks. “Here ya go.”

After a few bites in comfortable silence Sky cocked her head at him.

“How are you?”

“Good. Fine.”

“Always a great conversationist,” she chuckled.

He sighed. “I’m busy. I spend most of my days reading and collecting data. Following Heimerdinger around. Doing a few lectures every now and then… I’ve made a friend in the lab. Jayce.” I think we’re still friends, Viktor thought to himself.

“Sounds great. Maybe I can meet him? It’s rare you mention anyone. Other than Heimerdinger, honestly.”

“We’ll see. How are you, Sky?”

She frowned for a moment before relaxing her face. “Busy as well. But I love it. I’m probably getting a raise before the new year.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” she took a mouthful of noodles. “And things are great with Matthew. We’re thinking of moving in together. Soon, hopefully.”

Viktor smiled at her. “I’m happy for you.” She smiled back.

“What about you, hm, Viktor?”

“What about me?”

“Well… do you have anyone… like, dating?”

Viktor stared out into the room. It was bound to happen. Might as well say it now. “I like men.”

Silence.

Shit.

He turned his head towards her. She looked like she was concentrating.

“Yeah. That makes sense, I guess,” she smiled at him. He couldn’t help but laugh.

“What does that mean?!”

She shrugged. “You’ve always skirted around the subject. I’m glad you feel like you could tell me.”

He narrowed his eyes at her and chuckled. “And to answer your question; no. There’s no one.”

“Hm. A shame,” she tapped the chopsticks at her lips, looking pensively. “You know, Matthew’s brother is gay. I cou-”

“I am not going to date Matthew’s brother.”

“You don’t even know him! He’s nice! And handsome.” She raised her eyebrows at him.

“Sky. Please.”

“Okay, okay.” She laughed.

It actually felt nice to have told her. A small weight seemingly dropped off his shoulders making him feel lighter. Why did he feel like he couldn't have told her?

Chapter Text

It had been a little over a month since Viktor had gone to Jayce’s party. A little over a month since… whatever happened on that balcony.

They continued to be friendly, talking about their projects. But something had changed. Jayce distanced himself from Viktor. Which was fine. It was for the better. It hurt the first week but as time went on and November was looming in the distance it hurt a little less.  

But today was a shit day. He woke with a headache and his knee was already hurting. It had started pouring down as soon as Viktor left the subway on his way to the academy. Cold October rain drenching him. Thankfully his coat kept his upper body somewhat dry but his jeans were soaked and his hair looked like he had stuck his head under a waterfall.

So, he waddled down the academy halls at 7 in the morning cursing under his breath and leaving a trail of wet foot prints behind. The joints in his bad leg started to ache and his muscles started shaking. The cold always made his pain a little worse and now he was dripping wet as well. He practically threw himself down in his chair at his desk and stretched out his leg. He leaned back against the chair and threw his head back. Fuck it hurt. It hadn’t hurt like this in a while. Sometimes he would forget how bad it could be. And then it would hit him like a truck. He started freezing, his wet clothes clinging to his body. He leaned forward and pressed his face into the palm of his hands. Fighting back tears of frustration.

The door opened. Ugh. Who the fuck would come in here already? Viktor had only been in here for a few minutes. He looked up and stared directly at Jayce.

How fucking wonderful.

Viktor put his face back in his hands. He did not feel like small talking. He did not feel like talking at all. His breath shuddered. God, he was so fucking cold and it hurt and his books were probably wet too and his hair stuck uncomfortably to the back of his neck and to his forehead and –

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m… how do you Americans say it? Peachy,” Viktor spat.

He felt a warm hand on his shoulder. Viktor jerked his head up. “What do you want?”

“You’re completely soaked.”

“Astute observation, thank you.”

Jayce’s eyes flickered, concern written all over his face. His pretty fucking face.

“I’m going to go home again,” Viktor said and swatted Jayce’s hand away, still on his shoulder. Jayce took a step back. He gripped his cane and clenched his teeth as he used it to hoist himself back on his feet.

His bad knee immediately gave out and he stumbled forward but not before Jayce extended his arm for Viktor to grab onto.

 “Viktor…” his voice was soft. So fucking soft.

Viktor forced his eyes shut as he tried to regulate his breathing. Tried to regain his dignity.

“Can I do anything to help?”

“No,” Viktor said flatly and sat back down in the chair. He extended his bad leg out again, wincing as he straightened his knee. He gripped the sides of the chair tightly. He hated that Jayce saw him like this. Fucking helpless and pathetic.

“Can I call a cab for you?”

Viktor started massaging his thigh. It hurt when he did. That was a bad sign. Shit. He looked up at Jayce. His pretty eyes.

“Yes,” he mumbled.

Jayce gave him an exasperated smile and took out his phone from his bag. Viktor’s muscles buzzed uncomfortably and his hand started trembling. Fuck, he was so cold.

“They’ll be here in five minutes. Let me help you down.”

Viktor nodded. He didn’t have the fight in him anymore. He just wanted to take a scathing hot shower and then lie under his duvet. Jayce extended his hand and Viktor took it. Jayce helped him on his feet and Viktor put one hand on Jayce’s extended arm to balance himself so he could sling his other arm around Jayce’s neck. Jayce understood and lowered himself slightly and wrapped his other arm around Viktor’s waist. They stood side by side, Jayce being the only thing keeping Viktor standing somewhat straight.

“You okay like this?”

“Yes,” Viktor nodded.

They made their way through the academy slowly and down to streets. Viktor was grateful that it was still too early for most students to want to be here. No one else had to see him like this.

A yellow cab was waiting for them. Jayce opened the door and helped Viktor in. Viktor sighed as he leaned back against the leather seat. Jayce ran around the back of the taxi, opened the door on the other side and scooted in.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m coming with you.”

“No. Please don’t.”

“Viktor. I want to help you. You’re in pain. Just… let me help you. Please?”

Viktor took a deep inhale. “Fine.” He gave his address to the driver.

Viktor opened the door to his apartment and Jayce helped him back in. Viktor took off his bag and his coat and threw them on the floor, ignoring the hooks on the wall. He walked over to sit on the sofa to untie his Doc Martens. At least his feet had remained dry. What an investment, indeed. He looked over to Jayce.

“Shoes off. This is not an American household.”

Jayce laughed. “All right.”

“I’m going to take a shower.”

“Oh… okay.”

“Make yourself at home,” Viktor waved a hand in the air, turned around, went to his bedroom to pick out some fresh, dry clothes and then went into the bathroom.

He locked the door behind him and looked in the mirror. He looked like shit. Jesus fucking Christ. He groaned as he took off his clothes, still so cold and clinging to his body. He took off his brace and stepped into the shower. Finally. The warm water hit his body. Finally. He started to feel a little better.

He didn’t know how long he stood under the water. He stepped out, dried himself off and took on the new clothes. He opened the door and went into the bedroom. He had a larger brace as well; one he would need to wear over his clothes. The doctor had told him he would probably need it soon. He had only used it once in the comfort of his apartment, just to try it out. He looked at it. Turned it over in his hands. It was heavier, as was expected. He sighed as he sat down on the bed and put it on. He didn’t have room for vanity right now. He just wanted to be comfortable. He stood up and took a careful step forward, cane in hand. It was better. He gritted his teeth. He didn’t want to use it. Not yet. It was too soon.

He stepped out into the living room. Jayce was standing at his bookshelf, book in hand.

“Find anything interesting?”

Jayce looked up, slightly startled. He showed Viktor the book; The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde.

“Ah. A classic.”

“You’re feeling better?”

“Yes.”

Jayce turned his attention back to the bookshelf. “You have a pretty vast selection of books,” he sounded amused. Viktor hummed in agreement. He did. Lots of science journals and textbooks, of course. But also literature, old and new, books on art, on architecture, on political theories, on history. Again, most of his collection being sourced from flea markets and second-hand shops.

“I’m going to make a cup of tea. Would you like some, too?” Viktor walked towards the kitchen in the other end of the room.

Jayce stepped up next to him. “Let me do it,” he smiled. So kindly.

“No, no. Let me make my own tea. Sit down, Jayce,” Viktor pointed to a chair at his dining table.

Jayce let out a small huff in protest but sat down, put the book on the table and turned the chair so he was facing Viktor in the kitchen. Viktor couldn’t help but smile at just how easily Jayce had followed his direction. He opened his cabinet filled with different kinds of tea. “Which one would you like?”

Jayce narrowed his eyes. “Rooibos, please.”

“Good choice. I think I’ll have that too.” He took out two mugs and put the kettle on.

Jayce chuckled. “So, vinyls, books and tea?”

“Hm?”

“I feel like I have gotten a unique and rare insight into your brain, is all.”

“Well, you did invite yourself over. I’m happy you have been entertained as well,” Viktor said with a smirk though it quickly faded. “I apologise for how I acted in the lab.”

“It’s okay. I don’t blame you.”

Viktor turned around to face him and leaned back against the counter. Studying him. Why not, Viktor wanted to ask. Jayce held Viktor’s gaze. None of them said anything.

The kettle clicked and Viktor made their teas and set a timer for five minutes.

He sat down in the chair next to Jayce. Their bodies slightly turned towards one another. He stretched out his bad leg. This time it didn’t hurt like it had in lab. Only a small dull pain.

Jayce’s eyes raked down Viktor’s body, down his leg.

“That’s a new brace.”

“Yes. I felt… I need the extra support today, I guess.”

Jayce nodded. They sat in silence for a moment. The timer ding’ed. Viktor braced himself to get up.

”Let me,” Jayce was quick on his feet and went to fish the teabags out of the mugs and threw them in the trash. He sat the mugs down on the table.

He looked around Viktor’s apartment. “I like your place,” his voice was warm. Inviting.

“Thank you. I… liked yours as well.”

Jayce let out a small laugh. “Guessing by your interior, you probably didn’t.”

Viktor was about to protest – even though it was true – but Jayce cut him off. “It’s Mel’s stuff. All of it. I basically just rent a room, you know? So don’t judge me on those merits.”

“I take back all of my harsh interior design opinions on you, then.”

They both laughed. Jayce went to take a sip of the tea. “Ow! Fuck! It’s scalding.”

“As boiling water tends to be.”

“Ha. Ha.”

Jayce turned to face Viktor, leaning the side of his body on the backrest of the chair. He stretched out both of his legs so they were resting under Viktor’s. Viktor felt his heart skip a beat.

“Are you afraid I will judge you?”

Jayce looked surprised by the question. He started fiddling with the book on the table. “I guess I want you to like me,” he said quietly.

“I do.”

Jayce was staring down at the book, flicking through the pages with his thumb. “Does it hurt like that often? Your leg?”

“No. Today was unfortunate. But it does get slightly worse in the winter. Like my joints tighten up.”

Jayce was still fiddling with the book.

“Have you read it?”

“What?” Jayce turned his head to Viktor. “Oh, the book? No. No, I haven’t,” he looked back down at the book and took it in his hands. He opened it somewhere in the middle. It was filled with Viktor’s markings and highlights.

“You’re welcome to borrow it. It’s one of my favourites.”

Viktor took the book out of Jayce’s hands and flipped through it, his thumb grazing the pages.

“On its surface the book is a cautionary tale against decadence and depravity. A man, Dorian Gray, has his portrait painted by his friend Basil Hallward. Dorian meets Lord Henry and is enthralled by his hedonistic way of life. Henry views beauty as the only thing worthy in life. So, Dorian sells his soul to preserve his good, youthful looks and live his life in opulence and sensuality. The thing is, the portrait now reflects Dorian’s true nature, getting older and uglier with every misdeed Dorian does.”

He looked up from the book to see Jayce listening intensively.

“Oscar Wilde was a gay man. He was prosecuted and sentenced to two years of hard labour because of it. This book was used against him in the trial.” Viktor let out a sigh. “Both Basil and Lord Henry describe their feelings towards Dorian with deep devotion. One of them even says they could never be happy if they didn’t see Dorian every single day. Basil paints the portrait because of adoration of Dorian’s beauty – he worships him. When Basil recounts his first encounter with Dorian it can be read as a sort of… sexual revelation.”

Viktor’s heart stuttered. He looked at Jayce again. Trying to find any signs on the other man’s face that told him to stop. But he couldn’t. He flipped through the book until he found the passage. He started reading:

“Your personality had the most extraordinary influence over me. I was dominated, soul, brain and power by you. You became to me the visible incarnation of that unseen ideal whose memory haunts us artists like an exquisite dream.” Viktor hummed. He loved this book.

“I wanted to have you all to myself… Of course, I never let you know any of this. It would have been impossible. You would not have understood it; I hardly understood it myself. Weeks and weeks went on, and I grew more and more absorbed in you.”

Viktor closed the book and gave it back to Jayce. Jayce took it and turned it around in his hands, so gentle, like he was caressing it.

They sipped their tea in silence.

“Why did you move to US?”

The change in subject almost gave Viktor whiplash. He couldn’t help but let out a small, awkward laugh.

“I’m sorry, am I prying too much?”

Viktor pursed his lips slightly. “No, it’s fine,” he contemplated for a moment. “My father… passed away shortly after my 17^th birthday. Workplace accident –” Jayce opened his mouth to speak but Viktor raised his hand to stop him. “My mum had been sick for a while – her lungs – and it worsened shortly after. Doctors didn’t want to operate. ‘Too late’ they said. Luckily my parents always lived very frugally and my father left behind a small amount of money. After I graduated, we flew across the Atlantic to Canada for her to get some experimental treatment. It’s given her a few extra years but –”

He was cut off by Jayce surging forward and enveloping him in a hug. Viktor let out a small yelp but relaxed into it. He put his hand on Jayce’s back. Good god, he could feel the muscles through the sweatshirt. Jayce eased out of the hug slowly and sat back down in his chair.

“I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all that,” he paused, “Is your mom here in New York?”

“No, she is not fit to travel. She’s still in Toronto.”

“That must be hard.”

“Hmm. Yes, sometimes. I visit her when I can. We talk on the phone. I did not want to leave her, initially. But she practically forced me to board the plane to New York,” Viktor smiled fondly at the memory. Yet something else stirred within him. Guilt. Always guilt. His chest tightened as he thought of his mother.

“Yeah, mothers can be persuasive in their own special way.”

“Yours must be too. You’ve done well for yourself, no? She must be very proud.”

Jayce blushed at his words.

“I think I will stay home, today. Go over my notes and so on. Rework some of the equations.” Jayce’s face fell flat at Viktor’s word. Huh. “You’re welcome to stay here as well… If you want to.”

“I would like that a lot,” Jayce grinned.

It was late evening, now. Jayce had stayed. He had complained about Viktor’s limited selection of food when they ate lunch and had then taken it upon himself to go out and buy some “proper food” for them when dinnertime came. He let himself back in again with Viktor’s keys. He had a wide-eyed expression.

“What’s wrong?”

“I went down to the place around the corner. I tried ordering some noodles but the man looked at me like I had insulted his mother. So, he just gave me… different foods.”

Viktor laughed. “Yes, you only make that mistake once. When I order there now, I just let him decide for me.”

They took the containers out of the bag and placed them on the table. “Jayce, this way too much food!”

“Again, I did not have a say in any of this.”

They ate, they chatted, they went back to work. Whenever Jayce needed to get up from where he was sitting, he would put his hand Viktor’s shoulder – very briefly, very carefully – if he passed by him. Viktor found it unusual. He was not used to this kind of… attention? Affection? What were he even to call it?

And now, Jayce was asleep next to Viktor in what could only be a deeply uncomfortable position. He was sitting on the couch, his legs stretched out in front him, his back against the pillows and his neck craned backwards, his face towards the ceiling. His mouth was slightly open and he let out soft snores. It really wasn’t very flattering and Viktor found himself to be slightly amused by that fact. Thank God, someone as beautiful was Jayce Talis could look as stupid as everyone else too, every once in a while.

Viktor put the book he was reading on the small table in front of the sofa, leaned in towards Jayce and tapped Jayce’s forehead with his fingers. Jayce shook and woke. He immediately rubbed the back of his neck and winced. That’s what you get, Viktor thought to himself.

“Ah, shit. I fell asleep?”

“Yes. I would have let you sleep but it didn’t look very comfortable,” Viktor gestured to Jayce’s neck.

Jayce groaned as he slowly stood up. God, what a sound. He stood up and stretched his arms over his head, causing his polo to be pulled out of his chinos, showing off a sliver of skin. Viktor wanted to run his tongue along it.

“Thank you. For today.”

“I should be the one thanking you. For the taxi and the food and all that,” Viktor said.

“It’s really no bother. I can’t pretend to understand what it’s like… with your leg. But if you want my help, I’m here for you.”

A warmth worked its way through Viktor’s body.

Jayce packed up his things and went to put his trainers and jacket on. He went over to the dining table, took The Picture of Dorian Gray which was still lying there and put it into his bag. Viktor stood up from the couch and opened the door for him. They stood there, in the doorway, for a moment. It was like Jayce didn’t want to leave. And Viktor didn’t want him to.

Why don’t you stay? Why did you ignore me for a month? Was it because I touched you? Did I make you uncomfortable? Why do you keep touching me then? Please keep touching me. Please stay. Let me kiss you. Fuck, I want to kiss you so badly. Let me take off your clothes. Let me look into your eyes as they turn green. I love it when they look green.

“Will you be in the lab tomorrow?” Viktor asked.

“No, unfortunately not. I actually won’t be in the lab for the rest of the week. I have to follow Reveck around for some conference where he’s doing a series of lectures.”

“I see,” the knot in Viktor’s stomach returned. Big and heavy and twisting.

“But I –” Jayce opened his bag and took out his phone. Of course it was the newest model Motorola. For a man who complained about his fellow schoolmates’ luxurious upbringings he sure did fit in nicely. “You could give me your number?” He held the phone out in front of him for Viktor to take.

Viktor entered his number.

“Great! I’ll call you,” he smiled wide and put his hand on Viktor’s arm, giving it one last squeeze before he turned around and left.

Chapter Text

They had met again the following Friday for drinks. Afterwards they had joined Caitlyn and some of her friends. Even though they were nice, Viktor couldn’t help but feel out of place. He didn’t know if it was his clothes, his accent, disability, or his completely different understanding of the world that made him stick out like a sore thumb. But really, it was probably all of the above. Jayce fit in so seamlessly. Viktor wondered why Jayce had ever even talked to him in the first place.

November came around. Viktor hated the winter. He’d go outside as little as possible, doing his best to avoid the cold. His leg hurt more often and for longer periods of time, his hip sinched and his back pained him. He felt his mood sour more quickly. He fucking hated winter. He fucking hated November.  

When Jayce came in the lab at around noon, he went straight over to Viktor’s desk. Eyes wide, big grin. His mouth was moving.

Viktor took off his headphones. “What?”

“Sorry. I have an idea,” he looked almost manic.

“Regarding…?”

“Our research projects.”

“Yes?”

“We should combine them!”

Viktor blinked once. Twice. “How do you mean?”

“Think about it! It’s obvious. We’re both working with renewable energy sources. I have solar, you have wind, yes?”

“Get to the point, Jayce.”

“Alone, these systems come with their own set of limitations. Solar energy generation is contingent upon daylight and clear weather conditions, whereas wind energy is unpredictable, depending on fluctuating wind speeds. The inconsistency and variability of these two systems pose a challenge. It’s always one of the things politicians bring up when they argue against solar and wind as resources.”

Viktor nodded. “Go on.”

“Obviously it would be easy to just install solar panels and wind turbines at the same location. The two systems can feed into the same electrical grid, solving both problems,” Jayce went around the table, took his chair from his own desk and put it next to Viktor, and sat down. He was still wearing his coat and his bag was still slung around his shoulder.

“BUT what if we create a more advanced hybrid system to match supply with demand, adjusting whether solar or wind is the more optimal energy resource,” Jayce exhaled loudly and looked at Viktor. There was so much expectancy in his eyes. “What do you think? Want to be partners?”

Viktor couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. Partners.

“What about the logistics of it? Is it even possible for us to combine the projects?” he asked.

“We have to talk to Heimerdinger and Reveck about it, of course, but I think – if we pitch it right – how could they say no?”

Viktor nodded again. “Let’s do that then.”

Jayce’s eyes widened. “That means you’re in?”

“I am in.”

Jayce leapt forward, hugging Viktor. He leaned back again. “This gonna be so fucking awesome! I can feel it!”

After their presentation, Heimerdinger had agreed enthusiastically and offered to be their supervisor. Reveck had been a bit tougher to convince but had caved in, in the end. He had warned them that a joint PhD was highly uncommon and that it would probably lead to some complications down the road. They needed to make sure that each of their personal contributions were deserving of a doctorate. “But if you feel like you can handle it, and that this is what you need to do, be my guest,” he had said.

A week later and they were in a small lab on the other end of campus. It was old and… minimal in its available equipment. But they had three blackboards, two small desks and the room for themselves to work with. It was great. The boards were filled with equations and diagrams, they brainstormed, quite literally finished each other’s sentences. When Viktor had worked together with Sky, while productive, it had never felt like this. It was thrilling.

A knock on the door. Heimerdinger entered.

“Hello lads!” Cheery as always. He looked at the boards and smiled. “You two have been at it, I see. Good, good,” his eyes trailed over the equations, mulling them over. “Good indeed.”

He turned around to face them.

“There’s a fundraiser for the institute. Friday the 10^th. You should both be there. It’s good for students like the two of you. Rub some elbows, spread the good word,” he raised his eyebrows, “Maybe secure a little extra funding.”

“We’ll be there!” Jayce gave him a wide smile.

“Good,” Heimerdinger turned to Viktor and wiggled his finger at him, “You too, Mr. Engels.”

“Fine.”  

“Excellent. I will make sure you get an official invite soon. I will see you there.”

Viktor walked up to the old academy building that they always used for events like this. It was beautiful. Built in 1796; it was grand with gilded halls, high red oak panels and large paintings adorning each and every wall, several big crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceilings of the main room.

Viktor wasn’t the biggest fan of these events. He only went because a life in academia meant schmoozing up to sponsors and contributors and networking with fellow academics. He’d smile and nod when the beneficiaries would tell him about their skiing trip to Japan and they’d argue with each other whether the best resort was in Hokkaido or Honshu and Viktor would pretend to understand. And he’d smile and nod when they told him the only way to really enjoy wine was to go to Piedmont in Italy and then someone else would say no you simply have to go to Tuscany and Viktor would pretend to understand. Eventually he would find the bar and stay there and enjoy the painted ceilings instead.

As he came up to the entrance, Jayce was standing outside.

“Jayce? What you doing out here?”

“I waited for you.”

Viktor looked at his watch. He had arrived half an hour later than what they had agreed on. Shit.

“Why? It’s so cold.”

“I didn’t want to go in there alone.”

Viktor furrowed his brows. Something was off. Jayce didn’t seem like himself. It was like he had curled in on himself. Somehow this huge man managed to look small. “Are you all right?”

“I’m… not the biggest fan of these events. They make me nervous.”

Viktor chuckled. “Have you been to many galas?”

“A few. Caitlyn’s family have several fundraising galas, I’ve been to some for Mel, and during high school…” he trailed off. Hand fidgeting with the buttons on his coat. His gaze directed at the entrance doors.

“I’ll be there with you, hm? Let’s go in. You must be freezing,” Viktor gave Jayce a small pat on the shoulder. He immediately jerked his head to Viktor and took Viktor’s hand in his own and gave it a small squeeze before dropping it. Viktor never really got used to Jayce’s inclination to physical touch. He didn’t know how to interpret it. If he should interpret it.

They went in and it was as beautiful as Viktor remembered. They gave their coats to the person by the wardrobe. Jayce looked incredible. A dark blue suit that fit him perfectly. Tailor-made, obviously. A crisp white shirt underneath and a dark, wine-red tie. God, Viktor wanted to grab onto that tie and see how Jayce would react to it. Viktor wore a dark grey suit that was just a little too big. Eh, no one really looked at him anyways.

They made their way through the crowd and Jayce was still clearly nervous. Viktor couldn’t tell if he was shaking because of the nerves or because he had been standing outside for at least half an hour.

Heimerdinger appeared before them. “Wonderful! You came!”

Viktor looked at Jayce, expecting him so say something but his eyes looked… distant. Disassociated. Oh no.

“Of course. Thank you for inviting us,” Viktor ended up saying.

“Come, come. There are some people I want you to meet,” he ushered them further in towards a small circle of people. Heimerdinger leaned in towards Viktor; “Tell them about your project. These people have money to spend and have been very generous in the last few years.”   

They approached and introduced themselves.

“So, Heimerdinger told us about the two promising geniuses but we would love to hear from you. What is it you are working on?” one of the men asked. Straight to the point.

As if his body had been possessed Jayce’s whole demeanour changed. Confident. Even more so than usual. He went on to explain their current research and their idea in perfect layman’s terms. Much more eloquent than Viktor would have been able to. He watched in awe as Jayce went on, charming the people, laughing with them. He truly spoke their language.

It went on like this as they moved to different people. And when they told Jayce about their vacation to Genève in Switzerland he said ah, I’ve only been to Lucerne and it was wonderful but I’d love to got to Genève as well – maybe you could recommend where to stay to which they responded oh you simply must take a day trip to Chateau D’Yvoire on the French side of the lake. It was about that time that Viktor decided to head for the bar.

He ordered a glass of wine and sighed, dragging a hand across his face.

“Viktor?”

He turned around. “Oh, Adrian? Hello.”

Adrian came up to the bar next to him and gestured to the bartender.

“It’s good to see you again. I have to admit, I was a little disappointed you didn’t call me,” Adrian said with a smirk.

“I was busy.”

“So you say.”

“What are you doing here?”

Adrian pointed behind Viktor. He turned around. Salo was in the crowd, champagne glass in hand, laughing and chatting.

“I thought he dealt with arts and antiquities?”

“He does. But he loves these kinds of events. Makes him feel important. What about you? Here to kiss some ass?”

“Something like that,” Viktor looked around until he found Jayce. Full of bravado. Machismo, even. Very unlike himself.

“You’ve noticed him too?”

“Who?”

“You know who,” Adrian laughed, “Arguably the most handsome man in the room.”

“I work with him.”

“Lucky you.”

Viktor scoffed. He felt a hand on his lower back. He turned to face Adrian who had leaned in closer.

“Are you free later? Maybe we can catch up somewhere more private?”

Viktor turned back around to Jayce. A woman was next to him. Younger than many of the sponsors; she was in her thirties maybe. Beautiful. Her hand on Jayce’s arm. He leaned in and whispered something in her ear causing her to laugh and slap him playfully on his shoulder.

“It seems your colleague is busy,”  Adrian said.

Viktor swallowed hard, still looking at Jayce. “I’m free right now, actually.”

Viktor walked down the hallways to their small lab Monday morning. He had gone home with Adrian. It had been… adequate. Not as satisfying as Viktor had hoped. He decided not to delve deeper as to why it hadn’t been as good. That door should remain closed, thank you very much.

He entered the lab and Jayce was already there. Sitting at his desk, brows furrowed and staring into a book. He looked up. Brows still furrowed.

“Where were you?”

“What do you mean? …At the fundraiser?”

“Yes. You said you’d be with me,” he sounded angry.

“You seemed to have a handle on it. In fact, you seemed to quite enjoy it.”

Jayce stood up. “I told you. I told you I don’t like those events.” No, he didn’t sound angry. He sounded hurt.

Viktor didn’t know what to say. He walked over to his desk, leaned his cane against it and started taking off his coat. “I’m sorry, Jayce. It genuinely looked like you were… enjoying yourself.”

“Well, I wasn’t,” he snapped. He rummaged through his bag and dug up A Picture of Dorian Gray. “Thank you for letting me borrow it,” he put it on Viktor’s desk, “I really liked it.”

Viktor was confused. “You’re welcome…” They were doing small talk? But Jayce’s voice was still strained.

“Jayce, did something happen? Are you okay?”

“I told you,” he turned his back to Viktor, went over to the boards and picked up a piece of chalk. He let out a shaky exhale. “I’ve learned to talk like they do. Live like they do, in a way. Caitlyn would invite me on summer vacations with her family. I live in Mel’s apartment. But… I always feel like if I say one wrong thing the curtain falls and they’ll know – they’ll know – I’m just some poor kid from Queens from a single-parent household. And everything I’ve worked for will be yanked away from me. They won’t respect me anymore. So, I make sure I play along. I ignore their completely out-of-touch political opinions and I engage in conversation that they understand and I let them…” he paused. “I let them think that they’re important to me.”

The words hit hard. Viktor remembered the woman. Had Jayce leaned down to talk to her or had she pushed herself up to get closer to him? Viktor took his cane back in his hand. He swiped his thumb over the handle.

“How do you think I feel? A poor cripple from a Soviet country. I was an outsider the moment I stepped foot in Piltover Academy, surrounded by kids whose parents paid their way in. I don’t have the benefit of a patron. I simply believe in myself.”

“That’s why I thought you’d understand,” Jayce turned to Viktor. His frown was gone, but he looked at Viktor with such a broken expression that it tore at Viktor’s heart.

“I do. I’m sorry I left.” Viktor felt like a huge piece of shit. He had seriously left Jayce to fend for the wolves alone just to get his rocks off. He was a huge piece of shit. He took a deep breath.

“But you need to believe in yourself too, Jayce. Even if the “curtain falls”, as you say, it won’t take away from your achievements. Everything you have accomplished you have done completely on your own merits without anyone helping you. You got into that prestigious high school because you were smart enough and you got into Piltover because you are smart enough. You may have Mel and Caitlyn but you deserve to be here. We both do.”

Jayce’s expression softened. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

He went back to Viktor’s desk. He tapped the cover of The Picture of Dorian Gray with his knuckles. “I really did like it. It was beautifully written,” his voice was quiet as he looked down at the book.

He cleared his throat and turned his attention back to the board. “Let’s get back to work, shall we?”

Chapter Text

Viktor fucking hated winter. And he fucking hated November in particular. The whole month he’d just wait for it to be over. But the closer he came to the end of the month, the more his chest tightened, the more he lost his appetite, the harder it was to sleep.

It was Thursday evening. The 23^rd of November. His birthday. He turned 26. He had gone to the lab as usual. Jayce wasn’t there. He had left a note on Viktor’s desk explaining that he had to help his mum with something. He hadn’t specified what. Which was fine.

Viktor had ambivalent feelings towards his birthday. As a kid, he had loved it. As kids do. He would wake up and his mother would have made palačinke, thin pancakes rolled with apricot jam – his favourite – and sprinkled with sugar on top. If he had to go to school, she would wake up earlier than usual and make them. But as she grew sicker, she became more tired, more exhausted. So, she wouldn’t make them in the morning but they would be there when he came home. It was still lovely and delicious and he loved her always. But the atmosphere in their home became heavier. Each cough weighing them all down. The last time he had the pancakes was on his 17^th birthday.

Well, not really. He had tried to make them on his first birthday in New York. But it hadn’t felt right. Hadn’t tasted the same even though he had followed her recipe. And he couldn’t find an apricot jam that tasted as good as the one they had had at home. So, he had thrown it all in the trash and cried. Alone.

His mother always called. They’d talk for hours. She’d say that she missed him, and he’d say that he missed her too and that he would visit soon, and she’d say when, and he’d say he didn’t know yet, couldn’t promise her anything definitive, because, you know how it is, mum, I’m really busy at the moment, and she’d say of course my love, your studies are so important, I’m glad you’re doing well, my wonderful smart boy, I look forward to reading your name in the papers when you end up changing the world. And then he’d say that he loves her and she’d say it back.

And now he was sitting on the couch. Alone. He sighed. He had thought about going down to The Last Drop but the thought of drinking alone at the bar and/or picking up someone just for the sake of not being alone on his fucking birthday made him even more sad.

So, he sat on the couch. With his tea. Watching re-runs of X-Files. God, David Duchovny was hot. Viktor rubbed a hand over his face. Why did today feel even worse than the last few years? Sky had asked if she and Matthew should come over but he had declined, said he wasn’t feeling well, and that he was so busy anyways. Half-lies.

He thought back to the last couple of weeks. Working with Jayce. They were together pretty much 24/7. Part of Viktor loved it. Their work was exciting and they functioned as a team, bouncing ideas off each other effortlessly. Another part of him thought it was entirely too much. Because not only did they work together, they also spent a lot of time outside the lab together. Viktor would join Jayce when he went out for drinks with his friends. They had eaten dinner together once or twice – proper dinner, not just take-out in the lab.

And then there was Jayce’s touch. So frequent. A hug, a pat on the back, a hand on his shoulder. He had seen that Jayce was quite touchy with Caitlyn and Mel as well. It was probably just how he was. Besides, Viktor dared not reciprocate. The events of the balcony still etched into his brain. He’d only touched Jayce once – when they stood outside the fundraiser. It had been for comfort. And Jayce had immediately chased his touch.

Viktor was starting to feel like his entire life revolved around Jayce. And it was definitely too much. He should probably hang out with Sky again soon. Nourish his one friendship outside of the lab. Outside of Jayce.

Yet, he liked to observe Jayce. He was fascinating. And beautiful. Jayce, like Viktor, wore a mask. And Viktor had seen crack twice now; at the fundraiser and the Monday after. Viktor scowled at the memory. How Jayce had been hurt at Viktor’s actions.

Jayce’s mask was one of politeness. Always smiling, always helping, always poised. His clothes always neat and his hair always perfectly styled. But sometimes, late evenings in the lab, he would let it fall. His clothes frump, his shoulders relaxed for once, and his hair messy from pulling at it in frustration. Once he had slammed his fist into the table when he had been staring at the same equations for hours. He had tensed up immediately and apologised profusely. Viktor had wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and tell him that it was all right to be angry every once in a while.

Viktor also wore a mask of politeness. But his was not as overt as Jayce’s. He’d smile and make sure people kind of/sort of/hopefully tolerated him. Like Jayce, he too had to fight for respect. But he had learned quickly that Viktor was, first and foremost, an immigrant. And no matter how hard he tried, his accent would always give him away. He’d see the action films on his shitty TV where the villain always had some sort of vague Eastern European or Russian accent. And he knew. He understood, then.

His mother had told him of The United States of America. How there, if you just work hard enough, you will become successful. There, where you can be the master of your destiny. But again, reality was different. Only money begets money. It seemed like Jayce understood this, too. He played the game perfectly.  

He had hoped that Jayce would have been in the lab today. Maybe he could have celebrated his birthday properly for once. But Jayce hadn’t been. Which was fine.

His mother had sounded a lot worse on the phone as well. She had lived longer than the doctors had told her but now it was worsening. Again.

Every time Viktor had a sore throat, or a cold, or a cough his body would fill with dread. It was genetic. And he should go to a doctor, he knew that, but he was still only in his twenties. His mother hadn’t developed symptoms until she was… what had she said… 30? Two years after Viktor was born. Chills ran up Viktor’s spine. He was 26. He felt nauseous. Fuck. Really nauseous. Oh no. He stood up and quickly hobbled over to the bathroom before throwing himself on his knees and puking straight down the toilet. The sound of his vomit hitting the water in the toilet bowl filling his empty apartment. He gasped for air as his body contracted and he puked again. He dry-heaved a few times before he stood up and washed his face and brushed his teeth by the sink. Now, both of his knees hurt from when they had hit the tiles. Fucking hell.

His mother had ignored her body for years. Ignored the warning signs for years. Some part of him hated her for it. Her proudness and stubbornness standing in the way of seeking out help. Knowing it could have been treatable made him so fucking angry at her. How selfish she’d been. How could she just leave him like that? How could she force her son to see what he too would become?

No, he would not make the same mistakes. He wanted to live. He wanted his name in the papers when he changed the world. So why hadn’t he gone to see a doctor yet? He didn’t have an answer for that.

Viktor sat at his desk in the lab. Jayce was there as well. Finally. They had talked for a while before settling down into quiet concentration.

The doors opened and Viktor looked up. Heimerdinger. He truly was an odd man. Small and stout, big white moustache and a head full of hair – albeit also white – despite his age. Always wearing a tailored suit and vest.

“Viktor! I have those articles for you that I recommended,” he came over to his desk and put a stack of papers in front of Viktor.

“Thank you, professor. You really didn’t need to bring them to me, I would have been happy to stop by your office.”

“Nonsense, lad. And don’t think I have forgotten!” Heimerdinger pulled out a present from behind his back. “Tada! Happy birthday, my boy. Open it!” Heimerdinger looked at Viktor with wide, excited eyes.

Viktor ripped the wrapping open carefully. It was a book. Against Method: Outline of an Anarchistic Theory of Knowledge by Richard Feyerabend.

“Thank you,” Viktor smiled.

“I thought you might like something more, hmm… Radical and philosophical,” Heimerdinger said with a wink. “Well, I’ll be on my way again. Good to see you too, Mister Talis.” He left the lab.

Jayce waved and snapped his head towards Viktor. “Hey, what the fuck? You could’ve told me it was your birthday today!” he reached over and slapped Viktor playfully on his arm.

“Well, technically it was yesterday.”

“Okay, well, drinks are on me! Let’s go out tonight? When we’re done here?”

Viktor mulled it over as he turned the book around in his hands, touching its smooth surface.

“Okay.”

The place was crowded and loud and they sat at the bar. It was the same place that they had gone to the first time they went out for beers.

Viktor shuffled around on the barstool. He wasn’t able to sit very well because he couldn’t stretch out his leg in a comfortable way, the bar being a solid wooden wall from the countertop to the floor. There was no space for his leg. He took in a breath of surprise as Jayce pulled his stool closer and twisted it around so he could straighten his leg towards Jayce. Viktor looked him in the face, puzzled, but Jayce didn’t even seem fazed as he took a sip of beer. Like it was second nature. Like it was obvious to do that.   

 So, neither of them said anything about it.

They talked. They drank. It was great. Like it always was with Jayce. So easy. So comfortable. Their legs brushed up against each other.

“Let’s go somewhere else. Find a new place?” Jayce said, kind of suddenly.

“All right,” Viktor laughed, “Where? What do you have in mind?”

Jayce slumped his shoulders. “I… don’t know…” he looked over to Viktor. His eyes trailing from Viktor’s hair to his cheekbones to his lips to his chest.

Viktor’s mind scrambled to say something. Anything.

“I have a bottle of cognac. At home. I got it from Heimerdinger after I finished my master thesis. It looks expensive.”

They stared into each other’s eyes. Flickering with curiosity. And something else.

“Hell yeah, let’s go.”

They made their way to the subway. Viktor’s heart beating heavily in his chest. His stomach in tight knots. Jayce complained about one of the other students from the lab they had been in previously. How she would never clean up after she used the workbench. Viktor agreed, it was annoying and now they were so lucky to have their own. Even if it was small and dark and almost surely forgotten by the janitors for years.

Throughout the train ride, Jayce rambled. Was he nervous? He must be. But why? Surely not.

Viktor opened the door to his apartment. They took off their coats and shoes and Jayce sat down by the table. Viktor found the bottle and two glasses. He stood with his back against the kitchen counter, Jayce seated in front of him. He gave the bottle to Jayce.

Jayce took the it in his hands and inspected the label. “It does look expensive. Sure you wanna drink it now?”

Viktor shrugged. “I don’t see why not. It’s my birthday celebration after all, isn’t it?”

Jayce opened it, his hand wrapping around the neck of the bottle conjuring unsavoury images in Viktor’s mind. Only briefly, of course. He poured the golden liquid into their glasses.

“It’s almost the same colour as your eyes.”

Viktor blinked. Laughed awkwardly. “No, it isn’t.”

“Hmm. Agree to disagree.”

They took a sip. Viktor nodded. “It’s good.”

“Yeah. Tastes expensive,” Jayce grinned before his expression softened into something else and looked up into Viktor’s eyes. A moment of silence. Tense. His eyes darting around Viktor’s face. Searching. Longing.

“Come here,” Viktor said. Jayce stood up. He noticed how Jayce’s body tensed.

“If I touch you, will you ignore me again?”

“No,” Jayce whispered, “I don’t think I can.”

Viktor reached his hand for Jayce’s and interlaced their fingers, pulling Jayce closer. He could see Jayce’s chest moving up and down in short, shallow breaths as he stepped forward. They stood so close. Viktor freed his hand from Jayce’s grasp and trailed his fingers up along Jayce’s arm and over his chest, down his stomach. He could see the goosebumps forming on Jayce’s neck. Jayce took another step forward. Their faces impossibly close. Noses almost touching. Breathing each other’s air. Viktor closed the distance between them.

It was a soft, tentative kiss. A question. Which Jayce answered by pressing his lips ever so slightly harder against Viktor’s. The kiss was electrifying, shooting bolts of energy through Viktor’s body. Their mouths slotting together hungrily. Jayce slid one hand up Viktor’s body, carefully feeling his stomach and chest through the shirt, and up to his face, his fingers in Viktor’s hair. The other hand slid up to Viktor’s better hip and grabbing on.

Viktor let out a small moan as Jayce pulled him in tight. His own hands trailing up Jayce’s back, feeling the muscles and revelling in it.

Jayce pressed him against the counter, Viktor’s hands continued to roam, pressing his fingers into Jayce’s skin. Jayce placed one of his thighs between Viktor’s legs offering support, and Viktor involuntarily ground against it. He grabbed onto Jayce’s sweater and pulled him in, mouths finding each other again. The kiss was different now. Needy. Passionate. Jayce opened his mouth and Viktor licked into it causing Jayce to groan in satisfaction. He moved his hand from Viktor’s hair to his neck, holding him tightly while caressing Viktor’s jawline with his thumb. God, had a kiss ever felt like this before?

Viktor pulled Jayce’s sweater up at the edges. Jayce broke the kiss and took off his sweater and the t-shirt underneath in one fell swoop. He stood breathlessly before Viktor, and Viktor trailed his hands up and down Jayce’s bare chest. Jayce closed his eyes at the touch. He looked so fucking good. Carved from marble.

Jayce went back in, kissing Viktor’s jaw and neck. Viktor hummed and Jayce thrust into him causing them both to let out a small gasp. Jayce started opening the buttons on Viktor shirt, pawing at his skin when he finally slid it of Viktor’s shoulders.  

He planted a trail of kisses down Viktor’s neck down to his clavicles and his shoulders. He bit him slightly and moaned when Viktor gasped quietly in surprise. His hand was back in Viktor’s hair and the other trailing along Viktor’s spine. Viktor hooked his bad leg around Jayce’s leg while pressing their chests closer. And closer. He wanted him even closer. They were finally skin to skin, and Jayce was so soft yet defined. So warm. Viktor snaked his hand up to the back of Jayce’s neck and pulled his head up to kiss him once more. It was sloppy and messy and so perfect.

Jayce pulled back slightly, his face before Viktor’s, foreheads touching.

“I’ve never…” his voice barely above a whisper, hesitant. Nervous.

“Do you want to stop?” Viktor whispered back.

He shook his head. “No.”

Viktor cupped his face and pulled him back in for a soft kiss. A soft kiss on the lips. On the side of his mouth. On his cheek. On his jaw. Down his neck. Jayce let out a soft ah and tugged lightly at Viktor’s hair. Viktor opened his mouth, deepening the kisses, licking him on the throat and on the nape of his neck. Small bites on his chest. Viktor’s other hand went for Jayce’s belt but hovered just over it. Jayce nodded.

“Please.”

He made quick work of it and slowly palmed his hand over Jayce’s erection through the underwear. Jayce thrust his hips forward slightly in response.  He turned his head towards Viktor and kissed him ferociously.  Viktor slid his hand down Jayce’s underwear, freeing him from the restricting cloth.

Viktor broke the kiss, took his hand up to his mouth and licked his palm, keeping eye contact with Jayce who looked at him with wide eyes; pure unadulterated lust. He wrapped his hand around Jayce, moving it up and down slowly.

“Oh my God,” Jayce closed his eyes, his hands finding the buttons of Viktor’s jeans, opening them quickly and taking Viktor in his hand and following his movement. Viktor moaned into Jayce’s mouth and Jayce took the opportunity to stick his tongue in. It felt so fucking good. His other hand was splayed out between Viktor’s shoulder blades, keeping him balanced.

Jayce hunched over and put his forehead on Viktor’s shoulder, panting into his skin as their movements picked up speed. He could feel the hot breath against him and he could feel the delicious want, the need, the desire in each of Jayce's huffs. Viktor’s own breathing was loud and intermingled with Jayce’s moans and whimpers. Jayce whimpered. It might have been the best sound Viktor ever heard.

“Yes, yes, yes, Viktor, please –”  Jayce’s body tensed underneath Viktor’s touch and he let out several loud groans as he came, covering Viktor’s hand and stomach. His body stilled, forehead still on Viktor and he took several deep breaths before moving his head back face to face. Viktor took the hand that had been on Jayce and licked his cum off it. He watched as Jayce’s pupils dilated. He grabbed Viktor’s wrist and pulled the hand up to his own mouth. He kissed Viktor’s fingertips softly before opening his mouth and guiding two of Viktor’s fingers into his mouth, licking and sucking on them. Viktor started moving the fingers in and out of Jayce’s mouth and watched in awe as Jayce closed his eyes in response, eyelashes fluttering. Oh my god, indeed.

Viktor removed his hand and Jayce went in for another deep, messy kiss. Viktor took his now clean hand and put it around Jayce’s which had stilled around him. He was aching for release.  

“Don’t stop,” Viktor ordered softly, and Jayce started stroking up and down again. He tightened his grip and picked up the pace, causing Viktor to arch his back and throw his head back. Jayce kissed his exposed throat, sucking, licking, moaning into him. Hungry. Desperate. His mouth wet and hot. Viktor felt his orgasm creeping closer and closer and closer. It finally hit him and he grabbed Jayce’s hair, pulling him back to kiss him as he came. He moaned and panted and cursed into Jayce’s mouth and Jayce swallowed the sounds with his own. Viktor wanted to fucking devour him. Viktor’s hand in his hair tightened, pulling him so close it almost hurt. It was pure adrenaline, pure ecstasy. The world around them was quiet, the only noise their panting.

Viktor released his grip and leaned back slightly. Jayce bumped his head lovingly to Viktor’s temple, rubbing his nose into Viktor’s hair; “You smell so fucking good.” He grabbed onto Viktor’s hips grinding into him. Viktor put his palms on Jayce’s chest and pushed him back just a little.

“I don’t think I can go again just yet,” Viktor chuckled. Jayce grabbed his face and kissed him.

They tucked themselves back into their underwear.

“Can you get some paper towels?” Viktor pointed to them on the side of the counter, Jayce reached over, ripped off some pieces and began cleaning Viktor’s stomach before his own. Viktor felt he was still out of breath. Sex had never felt like that before. So primal yet intimate. His mind completely blank yet so focused. He reached out and combed his fingers through Jayce’s hair. Their eyes met and Jayce gave him a soft smile.

“Would you like to stay?”

Viktor woke in his bed. He had slept well. A heavy warmth crept up on him. He looked down. Jayce was there. Viktor’s heart fluttered. Jayce was there. Here. Jayce was lying curled up next to him, an arm slung over Viktor’s stomach, hand resting on his chest, and a leg pressed in between Viktor’s own. Jayce’s forehead rested against Viktor’s shoulder; his breath hot on Viktor’s skin.

Viktor had never woken up next to someone before. He had never offered, never even considered. If he was at someone else’s place, he’d just leave without much of an explanation and if someone was in his bed he’d tell them that he had to get up early the next day. They’d get the hint and go. It had always suited him like this. Why should he stay? Why should they sleep in his bed?

But yesterday he had offered. Without hesitation.

He turned his head towards Jayce’s and nudged him on the forehead with his nose. Jayce didn’t react. Viktor smiled to himself. So pretty. So beautiful. And in his bed. He wanted Jayce in his bed. That unusual feeling in his stomach returned. He had thought of them as knots, twisting and turning, but now it was different. Lighter. Viktor rolled his eyes. He couldn’t believe the saying of butterflies might actually be a correct description.

Jayce stirred. Grumbled. His previously limp hand on Viktor’s chest trailed around to his side and pulled him closer.

“Good morning,” his voice was coarse.

“Good morning,” Viktor whispered, as to not disturb the sleepy atmosphere in the room.  

Jayce kissed his shoulder. Viktor felt his heart was about to burst. He shuddered.

“Are you okay?” Jayce opened his eyes and looked up at Viktor. Viktor took him in. His features. His big eyebrows, his cheekbones, his tall forehead, his plump lips, his strong jaw. His eyes. Close like this he could really see them. Their ability to change colour, in a way. The way his irises were light brown with a beautiful green closer to the pupil.  “Viktor?”

“Hm?”

“You’re staring.”

“Sorry,” Viktor said, but he didn’t look away. How could he? It was like staring into an open fire. Mesmerizing in a way that is hard to put into words.

Jayce surged up and kissed him. Viktor wanted this every day. Please. Jayce slowly crawled on top of him and Viktor spread his legs so he could lie in between them.

Jayce propped himself up on one elbow, his other hand sliding down Viktor’s body down to his thigh. He grabbed onto it, fingers digging into Viktor’s skin. Viktor hummed in satisfaction. Jayce’s touch felt so good. He trailed his hand back up to cup Viktor’s face and forced his head back as he planted hot kisses on his throat.

“I want you so badly,” he whispered into Viktor’s skin.

“You have me.”

Their eyes met. Viktor saw hesitation and uncertainty in Jayce’s face. Right. His only experience with a man had literally been last night. With Viktor. He couldn’t help the devilish grin that surely spread across his face at the thought.

“Lie down on your back,” Viktor said gently.

They shifted position and Viktor straddled him, ignoring the pain that shot up from his knee to his hip. The adrenaline and oxytocin in his body making his pain tolerance higher than usual. He took Jayce’s hand and planted it on his stomach. Jayce immediately spread his fingers, caressing Viktor’s skin. Touching him, grabbing him. Jayce’s other hand came up and grabbed at Viktor’s hip, at his thigh. Viktor could see how the uncertainty disappeared from Jayce’s eyes and he could definitely feel it happening too as he moved his hips and ground himself into Jayce’s growing erection.

Jayce sat up quickly, one arm hugging Viktor’s frame and the other behind himself for balance. He buried his face in Viktor’s neck, kissing it like his life depended on it. Viktor placed one hand on Jayce’s broad shoulder and another in Jayce’s hair. He yanked Jayce’s head back so their eyes met. Jayce looked at him, pupils blown, mouth slightly agape. Viktor licked Jayce’s cheek and he whimpered in response.

“Let me show you how to do it,” he pushed Jayce back down on the bed and crawled backwards on the bed until he was between his thighs. He looked up for confirmation – he did not want to push Jayce into going too fast too soon. Jayce angled his knees slightly and spread his legs, giving Viktor easier access. He took off Jayce’s underwear, peeling the fabric away slowly, taking in the sight of Jayce’s immaculate body before him.

Viktor kissed the soft skin on his inner thighs, slowly working his way upwards. Jayce’s breath hitched as Viktor moved from his thighs to his hips to the soft skin on his lower belly, purposedly ignoring where Jayce wanted his mouth to be. Viktor was teasing, he knew, but Jayce reacted so wonderfully to it that it was hard to stop.

“Viktor, please… please…” he pleaded breathlessly as he threw his head back into the pillow.

Viktor licked him from the base to the tip before putting him completely in his mouth. Or at least as much as he was able to. He wrapped a hand around his cock as well touching what his mouth couldn’t. Jayce shot up, leaning on one outstretched arm behind him, the other hand finding Viktor’s hair and caressing him. So unexpectedly sweet. He moaned loudly. Viktor looked up. Jayce was such a pretty sight to behold. Half lidded eyes, mouth open. But his brows were furrowed. A slight look confusion across his face. Before Viktor could ask him if he was okay, Jayce tightened his grip in Viktor’s hair. Encouragement. Viktor closed his eyes and continued bobbing his head up and down.

It didn’t take long for Jayce’s body to start to tense up, his breathing louder, filling the quiet room with please and oh and heavy moans.

“I’m so close, I’m gonna –” He tried to push Viktor’s head up but Viktor kept going. He had promised Jayce he would show him, hadn’t he?

Jayce curled in on himself and over Viktor. His nose buried in Viktor’s hair, kissing his head as he came in Viktor’s mouth. Viktor savoured it. It had never felt like this.

Viktor released Jayce from his mouth and moved up to sit on the back of calves. Jayce reached a hand out holding onto Viktor as if he needed to be tethered to something. He looked at Viktor with so much adoration. He took a few moments to catch his breath before he scooted closer to Viktor, wrapping him in his arms and kissing him.

“I want to do it for you, too,” Jayce whispered between kisses.

Viktor grabbed his face with both hands. “Are you sure? You don’t have to.”

“I know. I want to.”

Viktor smiled and nodded. He had never been with someone who was so considerate before. Had he himself ever been so considerate? Not really.

Jayce coaxed Viktor to lie down as he showered him in small kisses on his face. Viktor couldn’t help but giggle. He quickly removed his boxers and felt very exposed. But only for a second. Jayce kissed him down the stomach and reached a hand around Viktor, stroking him before wrapping his lips around him and swallowing him.

Viktor let out a loud moan. “Yes, just like that…” Viktor’s hand found Jayce’s cheek, caressing it while he could feel the muscles in Jayce’s jaw working. God, what an incredible feeling. Viktor was making Jayce's mouth do that. He moved his hand up to Jayce’s hair holding onto it lightly. Jayce moaned around him and Viktor could feel it. He knew he wasn’t going to last long. He didn’t care. Having Jayce like this was unlike anything else. He could feel Jayce’s tongue on him, could feel his throat, everything was so warm and wet.

“You’re doing so good,” Viktor’s words seem to spurn Jayce on as he started going faster. Viktor looked down and fuck, Jayce’s face all flushed, cheeks hollowed, lips wet and eyes closed in concentration.

“Look at me,” he cooed and Jayce did. He moaned around Viktor’s cock again, going up and down. It felt incredible. Viktor tried to hold his gaze but it became more and more difficult as his orgasm inched closer.

“Jayce, I… I’m going to come,” his voice was breathless and hoarse with pleasure. Jayce pulled back and worked Viktor with his hand. Viktor gripped the sheets as he came, the feeling surged all over his body making him light-headed.

His breathing was uneven and heavy, and as he opened his eyes Jayce sat before him with his cum on his broad chest. Jayce Talis with cum on his chest. Viktor's cum. He was beautiful like this. Viktor wanted it all over him. On his stomach, on his back, on his throat, on his face, in his mouth. To make him Viktor's.

He smiled sheepishly.  

“Let’s get you cleaned up, hm?” Viktor said with a wink. Jayce let out small laugh and followed Viktor to the bathroom.

“Shower?”

Jayce nodded.

They stood close under the running water. Viktor reached out tentatively and caressed Jayce’s bicep. Viktor wouldn’t say he was a very insecure person. Yet, right now Jayce was staring absentmindedly at the tiles on the wall, causing Viktor’s mind to go through all kinds of scenarios. Jayce would snap out of it and say that they just made a huge error. They had just started working together. This would complicate everything

Or, more likely, Jayce would snap out of it and then he’d say that this didn’t mean anything, it couldn’t mean anything, it was a silly – no, it was a disgusting mistake, and he wasn’t some sexual pervert like Viktor.

Instead, Jayce enveloped him in a hug. Viktor immediately put his arms around Jayce as well and rested his head on his shoulder. Jayce shifted back and put a hand up to Viktor’s face, pushing away a few strands of wet hair. Viktor kissed his hand and Jayce grazed his thumb over Viktor’s lips. Yet his eyes were still distant. He cupped Viktor’s faced and leaned down to kiss him. When he pulled away afterwards, he had seemingly snapped out of it. His eyes more focused.

“I never thought that I…”

Viktor didn’t say anything. He allowed Jayce to find the words himself.

Jayce let out a small sigh. “I haven’t really thought about other men… like that… I think. I’m not sure, honestly.”

Viktor stroked through Jayce’s hair.

“I’m not gay.”

The words stung. Viktor had heard them before, after sex. Men who were so ashamed of themselves. Usually, they would turn their shame into anger.

He withdrew his hand from Jayce’s hair. He diverted his gaze.

“Or… at least I don’t think I am… Look, I… I don’t know what to think. But I really like you, Viktor.”

Their eyes met again. “I like you, too.”

Jayce’s eyes darted around Viktor’s face and down his body. “You’re so fucking pretty.”

Viktor felt a blush creep up on his cheeks. He let out a small laugh. He looked at Jayce. The nervousness seemingly faded. “You’re one to talk.”

“I think we’ve been under the shower long enough. Do you have anything to eat for breakfast of nutritional value or is there still only toast and butter?”

“What’s wrong with toast and butter?!”  

They had ended up spending the whole weekend together. Jayce left reluctantly Sunday afternoon but there was no denying he needed a fresh set of clothes and Viktor couldn’t exactly offer any of his.

Viktor sighed as he stretched out on the sofa. His mind was racing. The past few days had been rollercoaster of emotions. And they hadn’t really talked about it. The brief conversation under the shower the only time they addressed… something. They had spent the days talking about their project, interesting articles they had read, films, music. Like nothing had changed between them. And then one of them would take the leap and they’d kiss and their hands would find their bodies; touching, stroking, rubbing, biting, kissing, licking, moaning, …

Viktor chewed at his bottom lip, ripping off piece of dead skin with his teeth. He shook his head. There really wasn’t much to do about it now.

He tried to relax. He went over to his record player and looked at his vinyls. Music could help soothe his mind, maybe. Or at least distract him. Nothing caught his eye, though. He groaned out in frustration. Why did he feel like this? They had spent almost two days together. Why were insecurities creeping up on him, smothering him, grabbing on to his throat and closing their grip?

He went into his bedroom, deciding that maybe he should just go to sleep. He looked at the twisted sheets, the duvet was half on the floor, pillows pushed away. His heart surged at the memories. He had never thought that sex could be so… he wasn’t even sure what word to use. Affectionate?  Warm? Loving?  He thought about their time in kitchen. It had been different. More desperate. Dirty. But they had also been a little drunk.

He should probably change the bedsheets. But he didn’t. He took off his clothes and crawled under the covers which still smelled like Jayce.

Chapter Text

Jayce entered their lab a little past 8. As they made eye contact, it almost looked like he froze. Viktor’s heart hadn’t calmed down since yesterday and neither had his mind. Conjuring all kinds of ways in which Jayce would break off whatever was happening between them.

Maybe he’d just ignore Viktor. Deny what had happened over the weekend. Maybe he’d yell at Viktor for taking advantage of him. Maybe he had talked to Heimerdinger and separated their research projects. Maybe he had come into the lab just now to tell him that it was no longer theirs to use and there was no reason for them to ever speak to each other again.

Jayce went over to his desk, avoided looking at Viktor. He took of his coat and bag.  He huffed and took off his sweater as well. He wore dark blue Ralph Lauren button-down. He was so fucking hot, it was just unfair. What was Viktor supposed to do if he was to pretend Friday night never happened? And Saturday morning. And Saturday afternoon. Twice. And Sunday morning. God, they had kept busy.

Jayce broke the silence. “I have something for you.”

“Wh-… What?”

Jayce turned around with a large plastic bag in his hand. Viktor recognised it being from a music store in the West Village. “I didn’t have time to wrap it,” he held out the bag for Viktor to take.

Hesitantly, Viktor reached forward and grabbed it by the handles, their fingers touching briefly. He looked down the bag. It was a vinyl record. He took it out of the bag.  

“It’s just a silly little thing. You know, for your birthday. I wanted to get you something.”

It was the album Seventeen Seconds by The Cure.

“I noticed you didn’t have that one in your collection. And I saw it in the window of that second-hand music shop on Bleeker Street on my way here. The one you always talk about. But if you don’t like i-”

Viktor interrupted him. “Thank you. But you really didn’t have to,” he was still inspecting the cover. A smile on his face.

“I know. I wanted to.”

Viktor looked up. Jayce was staring at him. Jayce swallowed hard as their eyes met. Viktor knew that the music shop was nowhere near on the way from Jayce’s apartment to the academy. “Do you like The Cure?”

“I know the hits. I haven’t really listened to them… Yet. But I know you like them.”

Viktor smiled. Jayce was so kind in everything he did. “Thank you. I mean it.”

Jayce smiled back. “I… I really want to kiss you right now,” he whispered.

Viktor could hear his own heartbeat thrumming in his ears. “I want to kiss you, too. But I don’t think that’s a good idea here. Heimerdinger likes to show up at the oddest times, I have found.”

Jayce chuckled silently. Viktor reached out a hand and Jayce stepped forward and took it, his thumb caressing Viktor’s knuckles. “Is it stupid that we’re working together now? Like… aren’t we complicating things?”

Viktor wanted to retreat his hand but Jayce didn’t let him.

“I’m not talking about –”, he gestured between them with his other hand, “But about the project. Is it stupid?”

Viktor knew what he meant. “Maybe. Probably. But I think combining out projects was a great idea. And it will help push renewable energy forward. So, I’m not sure what to do.”

They were still holding hands.

“Me neither,” Jayce laughed, “You think Reveck was talking about this when he said that things could get complicated down the line?”  

Viktor couldn’t help the snort that came out of him. “No, I don’t think this was quite what he meant.”

“Hey, who knows what him and Heimerdinger have been up to in their younger days.”

“God, please do not put that image in my head.”

Jayce stepped closer and took Viktor’s hand up to his mouth and kissed it.

“Jayce…”

“Sorry,” he dropped the hand. He went to turn around back to his desk but not before Viktor grabbed the edges of his shirt, stopping him.

“Thank you. For the gift.”

“You’re welcome,” he smiled. So beautiful.

“Would you like to come over? After work?” Viktor tried pushing down the lump his in throat.

“Yeah. If you let me cook.”

“I wouldn’t dare stand in your way.”

They entered Viktor’s apartment early evening. They had left a little earlier than usual, neither of them being very focused as the afternoon dredged along painfully slow. Both of them just waiting for an acceptable time to leave. They had done some grocery shopping on the way as well. Viktor had let Jayce take the reins, deciding what they should eat.

They went in and Jayce went for the kitchen with the shopping bags. Viktor removed his outerwear and looked on as Jayce placed the groceries around in Viktor’s small kitchen and fridge. He looked so at ease. Shoulders relaxed, a small content smile spread across his lips. His hair slightly dishevelled from the wind. He looked good like this.

Viktor went over to his record player, his new vinyl in one hand, cane in the other. He removed it from the sleeve and placed it on the platter, lifted the tonearm and carefully set the stylus in place. The guitars and bass filling the room. Drums kicking in. He swayed his head slightly and turned around to face Jayce who looked at him with a big smile.

“Sounds good.”

“Mhm. It does,” Viktor agreed.

He walked over to Jayce and stood before him. Jayce reached his hands out, placing one on Viktor’s jaw, the other on his chest grabbing onto Viktor’s button-down and pulling him close.

The kiss was hungry. Viktor’s cane fell to the ground. Jayce was about to say something but Viktor put a finger over his lips – shhhh.

“Take me to the bedroom.”

Viktor walked backwards, Jayce holding him up, kissing, grasping at each other, as they made their way to the bed. He could feel the heat course through his body, the eagerness making his heart beat faster.

Jayce turned them around and sat down at the edge of the bed and tugged at Viktor’s hands to get him to stand between his thighs. Jayce kissed him on his hips and on his stomach, lifting up his loose button-down. Viktor started opening his shirt and tossed it aside once the last button was freed. Jayce’s hand roamed his upper body until they settled at Viktor’s hips and pulled him even closer. Viktor winced as he accidentally put too much of his weight on his bad leg. Jayce noticed immediately.

“Viktor, I’m so sorry, I –”

“Please, it’s okay. I’m fine.” He caressed Jayce’s cheek and combed his fingers through his hair, loosening the strands and making it more dishevelled. It suited him more like this anyways.

Jayce placed chaste kisses on Viktor’s chest as his hands trailed down to Viktor’s trousers. He opened them and they fell to the ground. He kissed him through his boxers. Viktor closed his eyes and let out soft hmmm’s at the touch of Jayce’s lips where he wanted them. Jayce’s hands wandered down his thigh and his knee-brace, carefully petting the weak joint.

Viktor opened his eyes and looked down. Jayce wasn’t even paying actual attention to what he was doing; his eyes closed and kissing Viktor’s body.

A part of Viktor wanted to slap his hand away. But another part of him… liked this. He ran a hand through Jayce’s hair again and Jayce looked up at him, one of his hands on the brace.

“Do you want me to remove it?”

Viktor thought about it. “No… no, I would like for it to stay on.”

Jayce nodded. He resumed caressing Viktor’s leg and leaned down to kiss the thigh sending waves of heat through Viktor’s body.

“You are wearing way too many clothes,” he pointed at Jayce.

“Maybe you should remove some of them, then.”

Viktor took a step back. “Stand up.”

Jayce shot up and Viktor started opening the buttons of Jayce’s shirt, sliding it over his shoulders and down his arms. He pressed his hands against Jayce’s chest. How many hours did this man spend in a gym? How did he even find the time? Viktor was grateful that he did. He curled his fingers slightly, digging his nails into Jayce’s skin. Jayce groaned at the sensation and looked at Viktor with incredible need in his eyes. Viktor slid his fingers down leaving small, barely-there scratches on Jayce’s body. He opened Jayce’s jeans and tugged them down, Jayce stepped out of them. His hands were hanging at his sides. Like he was waiting for instructions. Viktor was happy to give them.

“Turn around.”

Jayce cocked his head to the side but Viktor only arched his eyebrows as in do it.

Jayce turned around slowly, his back to Viktor now. Viktor put his fingertips on the upper part of Jayce’s back and touched him so delicately while trailing his fingers down to his lower back. He saw how goosebumps immediately appeared on Jayce’s skin. He pressed his fingers in as he reached Jayce’s ass, squeezing. Jayce let out a small laugh and Viktor smiled at the sound of it. He leaned forward and kissed Jayce on his left shoulder blade, to his neck, to his right shoulder blade. He trailed one of his hands around Jayce’s body so that his fingertips were now caressing Jayce’s chest, carefully scraping his nails against the taut skin. He took a step forward so their bodies were flush against each other – chest against back – and let his other hand wander to the front of Jayce’s underwear, touching him through it.

Jayce moaned and leaned back into Viktor. He rested his head at the side of Viktor’s and turned it so that his mouth and nose were in Viktor’s hair. It made Viktor feel positively wild; to have Jayce like this. So malleable. Jayce kissed Viktor’s temple and Viktor picked up the pace but never dipped his hands below the waistband despite Jayce’s whimpering telling him that Jayce really wanted him to do just that. How could Viktor deny him?

“Remove them.”

Jayce quickly did as he was told and bent forward as he pushed the underwear down his legs. Viktor placed his hands on Jayce’s back, Jayce’s ass pressed firm against Viktor’s own erection. Fuck, he needed him like this. Jayce stood up straight again, close to Viktor but still turned away, his breathing ragged. Viktor wondered just how compliant Jayce could be. He took his hand up to Jayce’s mouth.

“Lick on it.” And Jayce did it. Promptly. His warm tongue on Viktor’s palm and fingers. Viktor put his hand around Jayce and started tugging. Jayce threw his head back again and moaned loudly. He stretched his arm over their heads, placing a hand on the backside of Viktor’s head, fingers digging into his hair. He reached his other hand back and slid it into Viktor’s underwear as he started touching him too.

Viktor placed his other hand on Jayce’s throat, squeezing lightly, and Jayce gasped in surprise.

“Is this okay?”

“Yes, yes, please…”

Viktor bit into Jayce’s shoulder and Jayce whimpered, thrusting his hips backwards. Incredible. Viktor ached to simply take Jayce. To have him. To devour him. They stood like this, close and hot and needy, for a while.

“I really want you,” Viktor whispered in his ear.

“You have me.”

Viktor felt like he could have come right then and there, his own words from the weekend mirrored back to him. “Let’s lie down.”

Jayce removed himself from Viktor’s grip and went on the bed. He looked at Viktor through half-lidded eyes and Viktor could see him chewing on the inside of his cheek.

“I want to… I want to try.”

Viktor nodded slowly.

He took off his own underwear and placed himself between Jayce’s thighs. He propped himself up on his elbows and they kissed, messy, sloppy, horny. Jayce tasted so good, smelled so good, and looked, well, …

“You are so beautiful, Jayce,” he said and leaned back, sitting on his knees.

“So are you.”

Viktor couldn't quite believe the words, but he appreciated them anyways.

He grabbed the lube from his nightstand, pouring some in his hand. He trailed his fingers further and further down Jayce’s body and paused. He looked at Jayce. He nodded.

He entered one finger slowly, pausing, careful. Jayce’s body tensed.

“I’m okay. Don’t stop.”

And Viktor didn’t. They took their time. Carefully mapping out how Jayce responded to it and when Viktor added another finger, they did it all over again. Viktor didn’t know how long they’d been doing this. It didn’t matter. Right now, it was just the two of them. And when Jayce signalled that he was ready, Viktor felt like he was going to explode out of pure anticipation.

He grabbed the lube and a condom and lined himself up, laying down again on top of Jayce. Viktor heard the air being punched from Jayce’s lungs as he slowly entered. And they took their time again. Until Viktor slowly started to move. And Jayce moaned and breathed loudly, arms wrapped around Viktor’s upper body, hands in his hair and on the back of his neck, holding him close. Viktor buried his face in the nape of Jayce’s neck and panted and gasped against his skin. He was using all of his strength and all of his self-control to go slow. But he wouldn’t want it any other way. He hoped Jayce could feel the warmth emitting from Viktor’s chest. He hoped Jayce could feel his attentiveness with each touch, how much he cared, how much he cherished Jayce, not just in this moment but in every moment before as well.

He wrapped a hand around Jayce, and it took a surprisingly short time for Jayce to come. He arched his back underneath Viktor and spilled over both of them. The sight of Jayce in this state was straight up exquisite. His face was flushed a wonderful, sinful red, brows furrowed, chest heaving. Viktor wanted to bite him, sink his teeth in and mark his beautiful tan skin. Mark Jayce as his. And then he wanted to kiss him and cradle him. And most of all, he wanted Jayce to do it all to him, too.

Viktor pulled out carefully and started stroking himself, only for Jayce to sit up, move his hand away and do it for him. They were so close, and Viktor placed a hand on the back of Jayce’s neck and Jayce placed open-mouth kisses on Viktor’s throat as Viktor finally reached his own orgasm.

They were laying in bed, basking in the satisfaction. Viktor sat up against the headboard and Jayce was laying between his legs, his back on Viktor’s chest, his head rested against Viktor’s shoulders. He was tracing circles on Viktor’s thigh with his thumbs and Viktor had one arm wrapped around Jayce’s upper body, the other caressing his hair, fingers weaving through it. Viktor had rarely been as relaxed as he was right now.

Jayce broke the comfortable silence with a small laugh. “I think I might be a little gay.”

Viktor snorted. “Maybe.”

“I don’t know if I like calling myself that, though.”

“Hm… there are other ways to define your attractions. If you want to.”

“Are you?”

“Gay? Yes, Jayce. I am very gay.” They both chuckled.

“How did you know…?” One hand moved down to Viktor’s calf and massaging it gently.

“I’m not sure. I suppose I always just knew. It was never a question for me. I tried not to be. It would be easier not to be,” he kissed the top of Jayce’s head, “But that didn’t exactly work out.”

“There was this guy… in high school. I was 16. We were really good friends and I just thought he was like the coolest ever. And I wanted to hang out with him everyday after school, and I mean, we pretty much did. We were inseparable. Then on New Year’s – ’87 – we snuck out of the party. All of our friends were inside and we took a bottle of wine and went out into the garden. We were drinking straight from the bottle, and it was this disgustingly sweet wine you can only like when you’re young, and we were passing it back and forth. I remember it so clearly. It felt so strangely intimate… to have my lips were his had just been. Looking back now, I wanted to kiss him so badly. I’m like… how could I not have known?”

“Do you think he wanted kiss you, too?”

“I don’t know. It was probably good I didn’t try though. Considering… everything that was going on. At the time. So, I’ve just ignored it. I like women anyways, too. So, it was easy.” Jayce swallowed hard. “I’ve been thinking these past few days… All these little things. Little moments throughout my life. I guess part of me thought it was normal. Like, surely everyone has these feelings every now and then. But I’ve realised that no, most people do not.”

Viktor nodded. “I was never open about it before. I’m still not really, I suppose. But I’m not hiding it either. I think it depends on who I am talking to. My mum knows. I never got to tell my father. Though I suspect he knew,”  he leaned his head down to the side, resting his cheek on Jayce’s head.  

“How did she find out? Your mom?”

“I just told her. I was hungover,” he laughed.

Jayce craned his head up and knit his eyebrows together.

“It was just after we had travelled to Toronto. I was bored. I went to a bar – a gay bar – and came home in the middle of the night. She was furious and asked me where I had been. So I told her.”

“How did she react?”

“Hm. She didn’t. At first. She ignored me for a day. I thought I was done for. But then she came into my room and hugged me,” Viktor shrugged.

Jayce shifted his body so he was looking at Viktor. For a moment they just gazed at each other before he leaned forward to kiss him. And Viktor knew, he knew, that he was completely and utterly lost.

Chapter Text

Viktor woke with a weird feeling in his chest. His teeth hurt. He took a hand up to rub his jaw, realising he must have clenched it the whole night. He looked to his side to see Jayce laying there, his back turned to Viktor, shoulders moving up and down in a steady rhythm. The butterflies returned to his stomach. Would he feel this way every time they woke up next to each other?

He sighed. He looked over on his clock.

6:05 AM

Tuesday the 28^th of November

28^th of November

28^th of November

28^th of November

How could he have forgotten? He should have made Jayce leave yesterday. But he had forgotten. How could he have forgotten? How could he? How?

He had gotten so caught up in the moment that he had forgotten. They had stayed in bed yesterday, only getting up because Jayce’s stomach started growling for food. And then Jayce had made risotto. Fucking risotto. And it had been delicious, because of course it had, everything Jayce did was nothing short of fucking perfect. Then they had settled on the couch, and Viktor had fallen asleep in Jayce’s arms.

He could taste the bile in the back of his throat. He was horrible person. And Jayce had distracted him. How had he even ended up here? He took a hand up and rubbed his temple. It felt like someone was pressing their thumb down on Viktor’s left eye, pushing and pushing. He was lying flat on his back staring at ceiling. His body hurt. His leg hurt like a bitch. His hip as well.

He felt the tears swelling, threatening to stream down his face. He wouldn’t allow it. He could feel his brain fighting him, threatening to release the memories. He screwed his eyes shut.

It’s late afternoon. Viktor is sitting by the table and doing his homework. It’s easy, like it always it.  His mother is standing in the kitchen washing some dishes. She is humming along to the song on the radio. It’s already dark out but their apartment is filled with warm light.

No.

There’s a knock on their door.

NO.

He slowly sat up and fished up his brace from the floor. He slid it on and closed the straps. It felt a bit better now. He sighed and stood up and walked into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him.

He looked at his reflection in the mirror. Ugh. Dark circles. So pale. So skinny. So weak. He looked down at his brace. What did Jayce see in him? What on earth could Jayce possibly be getting out of this?

And Jayce had been so kind. So fucking kind. So understanding. It pissed him of.

Jayce should be with someone like Mel. Beautiful, rich, helping him along in life. Helping him live up to his potential.  

Viktor sat down on the closed toilet lid and stretched out his leg, digging his fingers into his thigh. It hurt. He dug them in deeper. Deeper. It hurt. Good. Viktor must have hit a nerve because his leg spasmed, shot up, and the heel of his foot hit the tiles loudly as his leg fell down again. Pain shot up along his leg to his hip.

“Fuck!”

He threw his head back.

A knock on the door.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, fine.” Go away. Go away. Go away.  He leaned forward and rested his head in his hands. This wasn’t fair. He wasn’t being fair. No need to take his anger out on Jayce.

He closed his eyes and tried to breathe slowly.

It’s late afternoon. Viktor is sitting by the table and doing his homework. It’s easy, like it always it.  His mother is standing in the kitchen washing some dishes. She is humming along to the song on the radio. It’s already dark out but their apartment is filled with warm light.

There’s a knock on their door. His mother dries her hands with the tea towel and walks down the small narrow hallway. Viktor leans back in his chair and cranes his neck so he can see the front door. She opens it and is greeted by two men. Their stern expressions. They talk quietly. One of the men puts a hand on his mother’s arm. Her body goes rigid. And then she wails. Wails. He’ll never forget that sound. A deafening high-frequency shriek forever imprinted in his memories. She collapses on the floor. He jumps out of the chair and quickly goes over to her, ignoring the pain in his leg.

“What’s wrong?” he looks at the men. Their stern expression. Now also pitiful.

“Mum, what’s wrong?” he shakes her. He gets no response. Her shoulders move up and down as she sobs. Wails. Wails. The noise is like someone is hammering a nail straight into Viktor’s ears, piercing his brain.

“Viktor…” One of the men puts a firm hand on his shoulders. Viktor slaps it away.

“Mum, what’s wrong?!” She doesn’t answer.

“Viktor, your dad… There was a fire…” the man speaks again. Viktor doesn’t hear the rest. He can’t. And she wails.

He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe.

Viktor gasped for air. He looked around the room. He was in his bathroom. In his small shitty bathroom. In New York. He exhaled. Inhaled. He was able to breathe. Yes, he was in New York. Shitty, stupid New York. And his shitty, stupid leg hurt. And his shitty, stupid head felt scrambled.

Carefully he stood up and splashed some water on his face. He unlocked the door and went out into the living room. Jayce was in the kitchen making tea. He had put his clothes back on. He turned around and smiled at Viktor. No. No.

“Get out.”

“Vikt-”

“Get out,” he didn’t raise his voice but even he himself could hear the venom in it.

“Are you sure?”

“Now.” I just need to be alone for a while, he wanted to say. But he didn’t owe anyone an explanation. “Get. Out. Jayce.” He said instead, through gritted teeth. Now, that was cruel. He wanted to be cruel.

Jayce looked sad. Good. Good. Now they were both hurting.

Jayce didn’t say anything. He didn’t look back at Viktor as he quickly put on his shoes and grabbed his things. He put on his coat, opened the door and turned towards Viktor. His expression hurt. Broken. Fuck. Neither of them said anything. Jayce closed the door behind him. He didn’t even slam it. He just closed it. Fuck. Tears formed in the corners of Viktor’s eyes finally rolling down his cheeks. He couldn’t fight them anymore.

Viktor did not go to the lab the following day. He couldn’t. His whole body felt heavy and sore and his head hurt like someone had put a million elastic bands around it. His left eye was still throbbing. He didn’t eat, he couldn’t concentrate, and all of this made him so fucking angry. Angry. Angry? No. Sad.

He forced himself out of his apartment on Thursday. He knew Jayce was doing a guest lecture at around noon so hopefully they wouldn’t have to see each other much. And they didn’t. Because Jayce didn’t come into the lab at all. Last week, Viktor had told him that he would attend the lecture. Jayce had looked so happy.

“Arh, I’m gonna be so nervous if you’re there, though!” he had said.

“So, you don’t want me there, then?” Viktor had teased.

“No, no! I do. You’re just… I think you forget that I have literally read everything you have ever published.”

“No, I remember. My master thesis… what did you say? You’ve read it five times?”

“Six,” he had smiled fretfully, “I guess, I want to impress you.”

And he had. In more ways than one.

“Jayce, you are my equal.” And by God, he was.

But now, Viktor did not attend. He couldn’t. He couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Jayce’s face right now. He thought back to when Jayce had sat in his lecture the first week they met. How he had completely thrown Viktor off by just being there, sitting and smiling, in the back of the hall. So inconspicuous. And now Viktor hurt. And Jayce hurt. How had they ended up here? They hadn’t even known each other for that long and now Viktor missed him. And they had only been intimate for a week. And now Viktor missed him. Eugh.

At least, Viktor was able to get some work done. He stayed in the lab reading about different materials until way past midnight. Shit, it was the middle of the night. Viktor rubbed his eyes. His eyelids were heavy. So heavy…

“Viktor?”

He shot up. Jayce was looking at him with a worried expression. He looked at his watch. 07:52 AM. He had slept in the lab? Oh shit, he had fallen asleep in the lab. He straightened his back and everything hurt. It was like he could feel every single vertebra in his spine creak as he tried to sit upright. And his ass hurt from sitting in the chair for hours. And oh no, his leg. He looked down at it. He had fallen asleep with it in a bent position.

He turned towards Jayce, and he was sure he must have had the most hapless expression on his face because Jayce’s strict features briefly softened though he kept his distance, standing a few metres away from Viktor.

“Did you fall asleep here?”

Viktor put a hand up to his eye. It hurt again. “Yes, seems like it, doesn’t it.”

Jayce scoffed and turned around to his desk. “I kind of expected you to be at my presentation yesterday, at least.”

“Well, I kind of expected you to be in the lab yesterday so we could continue to work.”

“That’s rich,” Jayce turned back around to face Viktor, “And where were you Wednesday?”

Viktor tried to swallow the lump in his throat but it seemed like it just didn’t want to go away.  “I had a headache.”

“Aha,” Jayce shook his head, and for a brief moment his mouth formed into the saddest frown Viktor had ever seen on another person. Jayce turned his attention to the books on his desk as he sat down.

Viktor looked down his bent leg again. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He had two options; 1. He could sit like this all day until Jayce went home and then he could straighten it out alone, no one to witness his pathetic agony. Or 2. He could ask Jayce for help. He breathed shakily. Why was he being such a piece of shit right now? Viktor tried to focus on his breathing.

“Jayce… I’m sorry.” Now, was that so hard? Yes, actually. It was like Viktor’s body revolted at the words. Viktor felt like he was apologising a lot, recently. Why did he act this way?

Jayce bit his lip as he hesitantly turned his gaze towards Viktor. Silence. Tense air between them.

“It’s fine if you need space. But why did you have to be such a dick about it?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I asked why. Viktor, you made me feel like shit, kicking me out like that. And then not showing up the following days. And now, blaming me for not being there yesterday!”

“I was… I was… I was! In pain!” Viktor said, much harsher than he had intended to. And while it was true, it really wasn’t a fair thing to say. Because it was too vague.

Jayce’s mouth fell open before he closed it again pressing it into a thin line. He sighed. “Well, we’re both here now. So, let’s just get to work. Get over here. I worked on this yesterday and I would like you to take a look.”

“I can’t.”

“What’s that?”

“I can’t,” Viktor gestured to his leg.

Jayce’s eyes trailed down his body. It took a second. “Oh!” Instantly he was in front Viktor. He reached a hand out for Viktor’s shoulder before he balled it into a fist and retreated it. Ouch. He crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows. “Do you want my help?”

Viktor groaned. “Yes.”

“Yes… what?” Jayce had the audacity to smirk. Smirk at Viktor’s pain. Eh. Viktor couldn’t really fault him for it.

“Will you please – pretty please – help me, Jayce Talis?”

“Oh, you are in no in position to be sarcastic right now, Viktor Engels. Try again.”

If Viktor’s leg didn’t hurt so fucking much, he might have found Jayce’s feistiness attractive. But he was stubborn. So, he didn’t say anything. They stared at each other; no one relenting. Jayce arched an eyebrow. Fine. Viktor cleared his throat; “I would really appreciate your help. My knee hurts. A lot.”

“I would be happy to help,” he knelt on one knee in front of Viktor. Viktor felt hot under his collar. Jesus Christ, now really wasn’t the time. Get it together.

“Tell me how.”

“Just… help me stretch my leg out. It’s been like this for hours,” Viktor winced at the thought. “It’s completely stiff. I can hardly feel my foot.”

Jayce placed his hands on Viktor’s calf. He could feel the warmth through his trousers. “Like this?” Jayce asked as he slowly lifted Viktor’s leg and carefully pulled it away from Viktor’s body. Viktor hissed. He dug his fingers into the sides of the chair.

“Mhm.”

Jayce continued slowly straightening his leg.

“Stop, stop, stop!” Viktor tensed just before his knee was completely straight. Jayce’s movement halted. He looked at Viktor. Beautiful hazel eyes looking at him. Viktor exhaled. “Wait a moment, please?”

“Of course,” he placed Viktor’s leg on his own kneeling leg. He trailed his hands up tenderly and placed a hand on Viktor’s thigh, just above the knee. Carefully, he started pressing his fingers into the muscles, pushing down through the jeans and brace. Viktor hissed again; his shoulders shooting up to his ears. Jayce stopped.

“No, please, continue. It’s good,” Viktor whispered. Jayce obliged. Viktor closed his eyes and felt his body relax a little. He felt Jayce’s warm, strong, steady hands on his thigh as he kneaded the sore muscles. And then Jayce must have pushed down on a particular sore spot because Viktor let out a whimper. His eyes widened in horror.

Jayce looked at him with a satisfied grin. “I didn’t know you could sound like that.”

“Shut up.”

“No, no. I like it,” he laughed, “What if I…” and Jayce had the fucking audacity to press on that spot again. And Viktor whimpered, again. He reached out and whacked Jayce on his upper arm.

“Stop,” Viktor couldn’t help but laugh, too, “Don’t fucking do it again.”

“AND you’re swearing now? Maybe I should have you like this more often.”

“Like what?”

“At my mercy.”

Oh fuck.

Jayce moved his hand further up Viktor’s thigh, splaying out his fingers. His hand was huge. He placed Viktor’s half-bent-half-stretched leg on the floor and moved closer to Viktor until his chest hit Viktor’s other knee. His hand at Viktor’s upper thigh, moving inwards. Viktor’s gaze was fixed. He couldn’t look away if he tried. He spread his legs a little further and Jayce moved closer, placing his other hand on the other thigh. Jayce was knelt in between Viktor’s thighs and their faces inched closer. Viktor leaned forward and closed his e-

“Lads!” The door opened. Jayce jumped backwards and slammed his lower back into Viktor’s desk.

“Ow! Shit!”

“Oh my! Are you all right, Jayce?”

“Yes,” he grumbled. “I’m fine.”

“What can we help you with, professor?” Viktor managed to ask, somehow. He looked over at Jayce. His face completely red. Judging by the heat on his own cheeks, Viktor was sure he looked about the same colour.

Heimerdinger took out two gilded flyers.

“The Distinguished Innovators’ Competition. A little old-fashioned name, if you ask me. But you know how the academy prides itself in its long history and traditions,” he looked back and forth between them, “Anyways, I would like you attend, definitely, maybe even present?”

“Isn’t it in May? I don’t know how far along we’ll be by then. We definitely won’t have a prototype or any kind of product to showcase at that point,” Jayce argued.

“No, no, of course not. But you could give a presentation about your idea. About the future you envision, no? The first half of the day is reserved for exactly that purpose – promising young inventors demonstrating their academic prowess. And then the rest is products and prototypes,” Heimerdinger waved a hand around in the air, “And then in two years I DO expect you to have something more concrete.”

“We’ll think about it,” Viktor said, as he reached for the flyers. He was still sitting in his chair. A hand strategically placed in his lap.

Heimerdinger took a few steps forward and handed them over. “Yes, yes. You’ll have to give notice no later than the 10^th of January. Toodles.” He left.

They sat in stunned silence for a moment. The air thick and heavy. And then it shattered. They both burst out laughing.

Jayce mimicked Heimerdinger’s voice; “Toodles!”   

Viktor’s stomach hurt from laughing.

Jayce leaned back against his desk and wiped a tear away. “I can’t believe that happened. Oh my God.” He put his face in hands and shook his head.

“Yes, it was… precarious,” Viktor laughed.

Their laughter died down. Silence filled the room once more.

“I’m really sorry, Jayce. I really am.”

Jayce nodded. He turned his heads to the equations on the blackboard. “I felt pretty vulnerable, Viktor. And then you just… kicked me out.”

“I know, I know,” Viktor hoisted himself up with his cane. His knee still felt fucked. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, you’ve said.”  

Viktor frowned. He didn’t know what else there was to say. An explanation, he supposed. Opening up didn’t come easy to him.

“I’m not easy to be with, Jayce.”

“I’ve noticed.”

Viktor grimaced.

“Sorry, that was in poor taste,” Jayce said.

“No, no. I shouldn’t have done that. I was an ass,” Viktor sighed, “My dad –” he managed to croak.

He heard Jayce take a deep, shaky breath. “Oh… Right… I’m sorry,” he didn’t say anything else. What was there to say?

“I uhm… I have plans this weekend.”

“Okay?”

“With Cait and then with my mom. So, I can’t…”

“You’re not bound to me, Jayce,” Viktor nudged him with his cane.

“No, I know,” Jayce laughed, “I just didn’t want you to think I was blowing you off.”

Sweet, sweet Jayce. Always so considerate. Even when Viktor had been an asshole. “I’m sorry,” he simply said again.

Chapter Text

The lab was quiet the following days. They talked, of course. But mostly about their project. Which was fine. It was still every bit as enlightening as before. In that regard, nothing had changed. But after Heimerdinger had barged in on them, Jayce had been more distant. More careful when he spoke to Viktor. He didn’t reach out anymore. They hadn’t met up after uni. It tore at Viktor’s heart. He was the biggest fucking idiot.

Jayce was standing in front of one of the boards. A concentrated look on his face, furrowing his otherwise smooth forehead, lips pursed, playing with a piece of chalk in his hand.

Viktor stood up from where he was sat and strode around his desk to join him. Jayce’s eyes watched Viktor come up next to him, though neither his head nor body moved to acknowledge him, before his eyes darted back to the equations in front of them. They simply stood next to each other for a while. Viktor tapped his cane rhythmically on the floor.

“What’s the problem?”

Jayce sighed and pinched his nose. “I wrote these down yesterday. The last thing I did before I went home. And look;” he pointed to two lines of calculations, “I skipped a step here. It doesn’t add up. Somehow, yesterday, my sleep deprived brain made a leap in conclusion but forgot to write it down. How did I get from here –” he tapped one equation with the chalk and dragged it down, tapping again “ – to here?”

Viktor’s eyes trailed down the scribbles in front of them. “Yes, there are definitely a few steps missing. And yet… I can see the potential.”

“Me too! That’s what’s so infuriating! If it made no sense, I could just erase it. But there’s a connection. It made sense to me then.”

“You will figure it out.”

“We will figure it out? Please? I feel like going crazy staring at this,” Jayce chuckled nervously.

Viktor smiled. “Of course,” he moved and sat down on the table, feet dangling below him. He leaned back on his hands. “Walk me through it. What were you trying to figure out in the first place?”

“I was trying to find the efficiency based on the power generated and the area of the panels. But every time I try to plug in values for irradiance, I get results that are way off. And here…” Jayce tapped the last calculations again.

“I see,” Viktor tilted his head. In his periphery he saw Jayce turning his head towards him, making him painfully aware of his own body. He cleared his throat. “And I see you are using the correct formula for calculating efficiency?”

“Of course, Viktor, that’s basics.”

“I know. I know. I wasn’t implying you didn’t know. I am only going through… the motions, if you will.”

Jayce scoffed. Not in disbelief, though. In amusement, perhaps.

“You remembered the angle of incidence, as well? Tilted panels effects efficiency.”

“Of course, Viktor, that’s –” Jayce stopped and turned back to board, “Oh my God, I totally forgot. I need to adjust the irradiance, then.” He sighed and rubbed his temples, slightly smearing chalk on his face. “That’s basics. And I forgot. How the fuck did I forget?”

Viktor shrugged. “It happens. We’ve worked a lot these last few days,” Viktor gestured to his own face, finger drawing circles in the air. “You have some chalk there…”

Jayce rubbed his face and Viktor couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Thank you,” Jayce looked positively elated. He put a hand on Viktor’s shoulder. Touch. Finally. Viktor closed his eyes instinctively. He had gotten used to Jayce touching him and he had missed it so these last few days. When he opened his eyes again, he stared directly into Jayce’s hazel eyes. Jayce gave him a small unsure smile before removing his hand.

Fuck, Viktor had really messed up.

They both moved back to their respective desks and settled into each of their own tasks. So, the lab was quiet again. The only noise their pens scratching and papers rustling.

Viktor didn’t keep track of time, thankfully he was able to escape reality for a short time, entrenched in his book. But after a while, he noticed the lab was too quiet. He looked up and over to Jayce. Jayce was staring into the empty space before him.

“Jayce?”

No reaction.

“Jayce?”

Nothing.

Viktor got up and walked over to him. He put a hand on Jayce’s shoulder and squeezed slightly. He hoped it was received as loving. Jayce jerked up.

“Viktor? When… How…?” he looked around.

“I didn’t mean to startle you. I called your name twice.”

Jayce ran a hand through his hair and down his face. “I didn’t hear.”

“Hm. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Fine. I should get home, anyways. I’m just tired.”

“Of course.”

Jayce started packing his things together.

“Maybe we could… would you like to come over? Tomorrow maybe?” Viktor asked.

Jayce stopped. “Ah. I can’t. Well, actually neither can you. There’s that mixer tomorrow. Every department is invited. Remember?”

No, Viktor had completely forgotten. “Oh right, yes.”

“And I won’t be in the lab tomorrow. Got that class.”

“Right.”

“Right… Bye.” And with that Jayce left.

Viktor stood alone in the now eerily quiet lab. God, he would do anything to fix what he had broken. Maybe he’d offer his bum leg. Sacrifice it to whatever deity would listen to his pleas. But who would want that? He’d gladly give his good leg for Jayce. Throw in a kidney as well. Do you need both lungs? Well, Viktor probably did.

Viktor did actually quite like the mixers. Every department from the engineering institute was invited; Chemical, Biological, Electrical, Mechanical, Nuclear, Civil, and Aeronautics. Unlike the fundraisers, which were solely for buttering up to the rich, these mixers were for professors and students. It was for talking and mingling and making connections. Which was also slightly superficial, yes, but at least it didn’t feel like going down on your knees begging for scraps: Oh please, good sir, won’t you spare me 1/100000000^th of your wealth for my petty research. Yes of course, I’ll bend over and let you fuck me as you ease your conscience by investing in renewable energy while having stocks in Chevron and Texaco. Why yes, absolutely, I’ll open my mouth wide while you spit on me and use me as a charity case to get the tax cuts you so desperately need as a multi-millionaire. It felt degrading.

At best mixers where a place where you could strike up a good, interesting conversation with your peers, at worst they evolved into competitive, petty discussions. A far cry from the teeth-pulling and ass-kissing artificiality of the fundraisers.

Viktor was standing, talking to one of his old professors. He was tired. His body was tired. His mind was tired. He was so sad. But he tried. He had made it this far today so he might as well try and enjoy it.

He noticed Jayce. Huh. He hadn’t seen him arrive. Jayce was standing in small circle with other students. They were talking and gesturing and seemingly enjoying themselves. Except Jayce. He had that same distant look on his face he had had in the lab. The same he had had at the fundraiser. Sometimes he nodded and smiled but his eyes were… disconnected.

Viktor excused himself and went over to Jayce. He ignored the other people. Was it rude? Yes. Did he care right now? No.

He put a careful hand on Jayce’s bicep. “Jayce?”

“Hm?” Jayce turned his head towards Viktor, eyes glassy.

Viktor squeezed with his hand and pulled Jayce along. Jayce followed him. There was no resistance. His hip hurt as he walked. Viktor winced and clicked his tongue. He could deal with the fallout tomorrow.

He moved them out of the grand hall, down the hallway until he deemed that they were far enough away, and finally around a corner. He moved Jayce so Jayce was leaning against the wall. He simply slid down until he was sitting, knees angled and close to his chest. Viktor hissed as he slid down himself, next to Jayce. Their shoulders touching. He turned his head sideways to look at the other man. Jayce was still staring blankly. Viktor’s heart ached at the sight.

“Tell me what I can do. Tell me what you need.”

No response.

Viktor grabbed both of Jayce’s hands in his.

No reaction.

Viktor sighed and leaned back against the wall. He could be patient. For Jayce, he’d wait forever.

They sat in silence.

“Viktor?”

Viktor tensed. “Yes, yes. I’m here.”

Jayce’s eyes darted around.

“What happened?” Viktor asked.

“I don’t know…”

“Do you need anything? Water? –”

“I think I just wanna go home.”

“Of course.”

Viktor stood up slowly, using the wall and his cane to get up. He stretched out a hand for Jayce. It was more symbolic than anything. To his relief, Jayce took it as he got up on his feet. Their hands lingered. Viktor ran his thumb over Jayce’s knuckles, feeling his soft skin.

“I’ve missed you., he said.

“I missed you, too. A lot,” Jayce lifted their hands to his mouth and pressed his lips on the back of Viktor’s hand before rubbing the hand over his perpetual stubble along his cheek and jaw.

Viktor’s breath hitched. He hadn’t ruined everything. He hadn’t ruined everything. He could still redeem himself. He could still show Jayce how important he was. How wonderful. How smart. How beautiful.

Jayce was staring at their hands for a moment before retracting.

They walked down the winding hallways and out into the December cold. Viktor shivered. They both did. Jayce hailed a cab. He opened the door and turned around to Viktor.

“I’m going home. To my own place. Alone.”

“Y-yes. I wasn’t presuming –”

“Good night, Viktor.”

Chapter Text

Viktor rang the doorbell. Sky opened.

“Viktor! Yay!” she leaped forward and hugged him. Viktor let out a small oof as she squeezed him.

Viktor had begrudgingly said yes to Sky’s invitation. God knew he needed a distraction. A small reprieve from the absurd romantic melancholy that his life had somehow evolved into.

She let go of him, and he brushed his coat to straighten it. “You’re in a good mood,” he said.

“Don’t sound so surprised,” she extended her arm into her small hallway, gesturing for him to come in.

Viktor entered her apartment. He noticed some boxes in the hallway and arched an eyebrow at her.

“Yeah, we found a place!”

“That was quick. Congratulations,” he smiled at her.

“Thanks. Come in, come in.”

They went into the living room. Matthew and two other friends were sitting around her circular table, wine glasses and lit candles placed on top. Flames flickering in the low light of her apartment.

“Viktor, you know Leona and this is Darius, Leona’s boyfriend.”

The three of them shook hands.

“The apartment is in Bushwick. I wasn’t all that keen on it, but Matt says it will be the place to be in a few years,” she gave her boyfriend a sly look as she sat down, “So, I’m counting on him being right,” she wiggled her finger at him and he put his hands up in a defensive pose while laughing.  

“There were like, so many robberies in Bushwick last year. Over a thousand. Murders as well! I don’t know why you guys do it,” Leona said as she took a drag from her cigarette. She looked over to Viktor. “I told them to find a place in Chelsea. It’s nice there! And close to their workplaces! And close to meee,” she nudged Sky.

“And I told you, we can’t afford Chelsea. Rent is skyrocketing. And real estate will only get crazier,” Matthew said, “Look, what'll happen is that more and more people – especially younger people, students, new graduates and the like – will move away from Manhattan. And then the outer boroughs will be hot shit. Sky and I will be first-movers! Trendsetters, if you will.”

“What if I don’t want to be a trendsetter?” Sky asked with an exaggerated frown on her face.

“Then it’s too bad that you already signed the contract, sweetheart,” he teased as he leaned over and kissed her cheek.

Viktor watched the scene unfold before him as the four of them continued to bicker. He liked observing. He looked around Sky’s apartment. He was going to miss coming here but he understood why she’d want a change of scenery. It was small – much smaller than his. The walls were brick and the floor was a dark wood, always creaking when stepped on and incredibly uneven. Her bed was in the other end of the living room, she didn’t have a sofa. Like Viktor, her walls were lined with full bookshelves. Though she had a much bigger inclination towards sappy romance than he did.

The conversation evolved to a discussion on housing for students, to public housing to homelessness.

“Look man, and this is going to sound cruel, but I don’t understand why I should care about these people! Like, how did they end up on the street in the first place, hm?”

“Come on, Darius, you think people choose to be homeless?” Sky laughed awkwardly.

“I’m just saying, why should they get the benefits of taxpayer money?”

“As opposed to who? These are people like you and me. Why should they not benefit?” Viktor chimed in.

“I don’t know. People who actually make a difference. Like… the military. And the police.”

Matthew groaned. “You can’t be serious.”

“Why not? They protect us!”

“From what?” Viktor asked sceptically.

“Uhm, hello? Iraq? We’ve literally just been down there. That dictator…” Darius snapped his fingers, thinking, “Saddam Hussein. He went into another sovereign nation, tried to take it, and we stepped in.”

“You keep saying ‘we’. I didn’t know you served in the army,” Matthew teased as he took a sip of wine.

“Also,” Viktor couldn’t help himself, “I don’t think the Gulf War is the best example if you want to show how great the American military is.”

“Why not?” Darius asked as he lit a cigarette. “We – They kicked Saddam’s ass.”  

“Ah yes, after carpet bombing the country into an apocalyptic looking wasteland, terrorising civilians and oh you know, committing some casual war crimes in the meantime. But I suppose that’s on par with your great military. Or should I recount the Vietnam War to drive home my point? The Korean War? Hiroshima and Nagasaki? How about all of the intelligence agencies involvements in toppling socialist movements in Latin America? In Asia?”

Darius shrugged. “Necessary evil.” Sky scoffed and rolled her eyes. “No, okay, obviously, not everything they do is great. Fine. But I truly believe that our government does what they do to protect our freedom. And before any of you say anything, I know that’s cheesy, but, come on, it’s true!”

“I read a book about this recently,” Viktor leaned forward to take his wine glass; he liked discussing politics with people, especially people who disagreed with him, “The CIA backed a coup d’etat in Indonesia in the 1960s – they wanted to get rid of the sitting president, whose anti-imperialist ideology made the country sway away from the US and lean more towards the Soviet Union, not ideal either but what can you do when the world is divided between two superpowers. Of course, this could not be – so the US backed the authoritarian dictator Suharto, who violently deposed Sukarno. What followed were mass killings, a genocide really, killing anyone who was seen as a communist, socialist, people from different ethnic groups, atheists, fucking trade unionists! One million people were murdered in a single year. So please, tell me again about your lovely military industrial complex. Because you might feel that it protects you, but I fail to see how socialists in Indonesia, for example, were ever a threat to any American citizen.”

“Of course you would say that,” Darius pointed at Viktor with his index and middle fingers, cigarette between them, “Why did you ever come here if you’re still a dirty little commie?”

“Darius!” Leona exclaimed, “Let’s talk about something else, please?”

“Why? Come on, a little debate is always fun. No harm in it, right, Viktor?”

Viktor shrugged and raised his glass towards Darius, who did the same in response.

“No. No more politics… Oooh, I have something fun to talk about!” Leona said, “That singer from Green Day, what’s his name again?”

“Billie Joe Armstrong?” Sky asked.

“That’s right! Apparently, he’s bisexual. I read it in a magazine,” Leona looked around at the others.

“So?” Matthew said.

“What?! That’s, like, so exciting!”

“Why?” Darius looked thoroughly unimpressed, “It’s kinda gross.”

Viktor clenched his jaw. Here we go.

“Darius…” Sky chastised.

“What? Come on!” Darius laughed, “Would you like to get fucked in the ass, Matthew? It’s just not natural.”

Fuck this.

“I am gay,” Viktor scowled.

“Oh fuck,” Darius simply continued to laugh, “Sorry about that then.”

The room fell silent.

“Oh, come on. I didn’t mean anything by it! It was just a joke.”

“No one laughed.”

Darius chuckled nervously. He looked at his watch. “Well, it’s, uh, getting late anyways. We should get going. Leona?” he squashed his cigarette in the ashtray on the table and left into the hallway.

“I’m so sorry,” Leona said as she stood up, “I’ll see you later.” She looked apologetically at Sky as she left. They heard the front door open and close.

“Viktor, I’m sorry,” Sky reached out and squeezed his hand.

“Why? You didn’t do anything wrong,” he said and squeezed her hand back.

Viktor looked over to Matthew.

“I knew,” Matthew said, “Sky told me.”

Now Viktor looked back over to Sky and raised his eyebrows, indicating what the fuck?

“Sorryyyy, but it’s Matthew!” she said. Her expression sterned. “I am actually sorry. It’s not mine to tell.”

Viktor waved a hand around. “It’s fine.” He trusted both of them, anyways.

Matthew chuckled. “You’re not exactly subtle about it, either way. I think Sky’s just blind.”

Viktor laughed incredulously. He eyed the pack of cigarettes on the table. He really shouldn’t. But he had had such a shit week. He deserved it. He reached out, took one in his mouth and lit it, ignoring Sky’s concerned face.

“How are you? It’s been a while. And Darius takes up so much conversational space, it’s hard to catch up when he’s there,” Sky shrugged with one of her shoulders, “Plus, he’s a total asshole, apparently.”

“I’m fine.”

“Viktooor, come on,” She laughed, “There must be something happening in your life. If not for your own sake, at least for ours?”

He sighed. Maybe it would be good to talk about it. “I have met someone –”

Sky squealed.

“Please contain yourself,” Viktor joked, “I don’t know what’s happening between us, honestly. We work together as well. So it is stupid.”

“Wait. Work together? So, it’s that Jayce guy?” Sky asked. Viktor frowned and nodded.

“Oh right, Sky told me you were teaming up with someone. Jayce… It’s not Jayce Talis, is it?”

“Do you know him?” Viktor asked.

“I was a TA when he was still at NYU. Damn Viktor,” Matthew smirked, “Well done.”

Sky’s eyes widened. “What, oh my god?! He’s hot?”

“And then some. Possibly one of the smartest I have ever taught, too. It’s why I remember him at all.”

Viktor buried his face in his hands. Cheeks warm.

“Ohhh, I’ve never seen you like this,” Sky teased.

“Well, maybe it doesn’t even matter,” Viktor threw his arms in the air, “Last time we had a real conversation was a week ago, because I fucked up. We’ve still been working, but we’re so busy and I feel like I just get so stupid when I talk to him about anything other than our thesis project. And that conversation was… tense and we were almost caught by Heimerdinger –”

Sky positively shrieked. “You had sex in the lab?!?”

“No, no. God, no,” He took a deep drag from the cigarette, “Well… I don’t know what would have happened if that little old man hadn’t barged in.”

Sky and Matthew started laughing loudly and Viktor couldn’t help but join in.

Sky knocked on his forehead with her knuckles. “Who are you, and what have you done to Viktor?”

“Pssh,” he slapped her hand away.  

“But you like him?” Matthew asked.

“I do.”

“Then go for it. And that whole “being stupid around him”-part? That’s called being in love. Just remember to be kind as well.”

Viktor walked up the stairs of his apartment building. The stairs were a cruel prize he was willing to pay considering the cheap rent. Luckily it was only the second floor. He chuckled to himself. Yes, lucky me. He was absolutely tipsy and thanked the stars no one could see him cling to the railing as he dragged his body up. Lucky, lucky. He turned the corner in the staircase towards his apartment. Finally. Home.

Viktor stopped in his tracks. What on earth?

Jayce was there. Jayce was sitting with his back leaned against Viktor’s door, his legs spread out in front of him. Viktor narrowed his eyes, trying to focus them. No, he wasn’t hallucinating. Jayce was there.

He walked closer up to Jayce. He had thought that maybe Jayce was asleep, but no. His eyes were open, staring into the nothingness.

“Jayce?”

He snapped his head up to Viktor. “Hi.”

Viktor scrunched his nose as he came up next to him. He could smell the alcohol and cigarette smoke emitting from Jayce. Though he himself probably wasn’t smelling any better. Jayce was wearing a black suit and bowtie. Quite a fancy get-up. Who the fuck wears a bowtie?

“What are you doing here?”

“I missed you.”

Viktor laughed. God, Jayce Talis, the man you are. He looked down at him as he fished his keys out of his pocket. “Are you going to stand up?”

“No.”

Jayce’s eyes looked glassy. His forehead clammy. Were his hands trembling? Jayce really couldn’t handle his alcohol, Viktor snickered to himself.

“Well, I’m going to open the door now.”

“Fine by me,” he gave Viktor a lopsided grin.

Viktor unlocked the door and Jayce let his upper body fall backwards, landing with a loud thwump on Viktor’s floors.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Come in.”

Jayce sat up again and scooted on his butt into Viktor’s apartment and closed the door with his foot. Viktor couldn’t help but laugh at the sight. “What are you doing?”

Jayce shrugged. “I’ve had a lot to drink.”

“I can tell. Where were you tonight?”

“Kiramman party.” Ah, that would explain the outfit. “And… and Cait, she dumped me! She was supposed to be next to me, and we were supposed to gossip about all the people, and we were supposed to sneak out and smoke a joint, but suddenly she was gone!” He raised his arms dramatically, “Such a bitch.”

“You do not think Caitlyn is a bitch.”

“No… I don’t.”

Viktor shook his head as he laughed. He went over to his kitchen.

“Won’t you please get up from my floor,” he said as he walked back to Jayce and handed him a glass of water.

“Why? Gonna carry me if I say no?”

“I think that would be a bit difficult.”

“Exactly,” Jayce huffed.

“Fine, fine. Suit yourself.”

“How was your evening, Vik-Tor?” Jayce pronounced each syllable in his name, “You weren’t here.”

“I know this may come as a surprise, but I do know other people than you.”

“Impossible,” Jayce pouted before he grinned.

“And I had a very fun evening, thank you. What about you? Other than Caitlyn “dumping” you.”

Jayce shrugged.

“Still comfortable on my floor?” Viktor walked over to his couch and sat down. He patted the space next to him.

“Very.”

“You’re being absurd.”

Jayce sighed and took a big gulp of water. He laid down flat on the floor again, staring at the ceiling. “You ever feel like you are floating above your body? Just watching yourself from the outside. Like you’re watching TV," Jayce lifted up one of his arms before letting it fall to the floor, “I feel like my limbs are heavy but also… I feel nothing.”

Viktor swallowed hard. “Is that how you feel right now?” Fuck, he wished he wasn’t so drunk himself.

Jayce shrugged.

“But at the party?”

Jayce shrugged again.

The room was spinning.

“Tell me you like me.”

“What?” Viktor laughed. But there was not a hint of insincerity in Jayce’s voice. Jayce moved so he sat on his knees on the floor. In the middle of Viktor’s living room.

“Wha-… Jayce. Of course I like you.” I am stupidly in love with you.

“But you left me. Just like Cait. And you kicked me out AFTER you fucked me. I’ve never done anything like that before. You knew that. And then you ignored me. And we haven’t really talked,” he let out a small manic laugh, “And look at me now. Sitting here. Pathetic. Can’t even be alone at a party.”

The words felt like a knife being twisted within him. He felt nauseous. Viktor furrowed his eyebrows as he looked over to Jayce; His shoulders were slumped, his face… unfocused. Eyes darting around the room. Must be the alcohol. Viktor walked over to him, his cane silently thudding as it hit the wooden floors. The only noise in the apartment.

He stood before Jayce and reached his hand out to trace Jayce’s cheek. Jayce closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, rubbing his cheek in Viktor’s palm.

“Jayce… Are you okay?”

He didn’t answer. Viktor trailed his hand down and held Jayce’s chin, gently forcing his head upwards so their eyes met.

“Are you okay?”

He simply shrugged again.

“What do you need?”

“You.”

Silence.

“Can I touch you?” Jayce said.

What was happening? Viktor’s mind raced as he stared down at the man before him. His hand still on Jayce’s chin.

“…Yes.”

Jayce moved one of his hands slowly up Viktor’s leg. His eyes still locked on Viktor’s face. Jayce opened his mouth inviting Viktor’s fingers in. He hummed around them as Viktor pushed them in and out. The combination of wine and seeing Jayce like this made him feel bolder as he pushed his fingers further in, angling Jayce’s head higher up and causing him to gag, then groan. Viktor was fascinated.

Jayce placed his other hand on Viktor as well, grazing both hands up to his upper thigh, fingers still in his mouth. Fuck, Viktor was already so hard. Jayce took Viktor’s good leg in his hands, coaxed it to his own body, and placed Viktor’s foot on his groin. Jayce was unbearably hard as well. He pressed Viktor’s foot down and moaned around the fingers as Viktor applied more pressure. The position was a little awkward for Viktor, having to place most of his weight on his cane. But he was so incredibly turned on that it didn’t matter.

Jayce turned his head backwards releasing Viktor’s fingers. “I want you to fuck me.”

Viktor placed his hand on Jayce’s cheek again, stroking his cheekbone with his thumb. Jayce held a tight grip on Viktor’s ankle and was grinding himself on Viktor’s foot. What was happening?

“Please,” Jayce said and closed his eyes, “I just want you to want me.”

Viktor’s heart dropped to his stomach. An icy cold swept through his body. He removed his hand and foot immediately. He felt sick. And fucking blind. He shook his head.

Tears formed in Jayce’s eyes as he looked pleadingly up at Viktor. “What did I do wrong?”

Viktor couldn’t believe his ears. He dropped down on his knees, ignoring the pain, it didn’t matter right now, and took Jayce’s face in his hands.

“What… what did I do wrong?”

Viktor wrapped him a tight hug. He squeezed as hard as he could. He caressed Jayce’s back and he could feel that Jayce’s body was almost completely limp under his touch. Jayce leaned his head on Viktor’s shoulder as they slowly lowered themselves to sit more comfortably. On the goddamn floor, still.

He shushed Jayce as he started rocking them back and forth slowly. Jayce’s arms flew up around Viktor and his hands clung to Viktor’s shirt, his fingers scrunching the fabric. He let out a loud sob into Viktor’s neck. His breathing was erratic as he gasped for air.

Viktor started inhaling and exhaling loudly. Inhaled. Exhaled. Inhaled. Exhaled. Jayce started mirroring him. Inhaled. Exhaled. Inhaled. Exhaled. Slowly his body eased – relaxed but not limp.

“Let’s go to bed, hm?” Viktor said as he kissed near Jayce’s ear. “Let’s get up from the fucking floor.”

Jayce nodded and laughed through the sobs. “I like it when you curse.”

He stood up and helped Viktor on his feet. His expression faltered again. “I don’t know… I don’t know why…”

Viktor took his hand and led him into the bedroom.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain. Let’s just go to sleep.”

Viktor was sitting on a chair by his table, tea in hand. He was staring down at the two pieces of toast on the plate in front him. Watching the butter melt, dissolving into the warm and crispy bread. He was waiting for the painkillers to kick in, his head hurt from yesterday’s wine.

His stomach was still twisting and turning, making him feel sick. His heart was beating much too fast. And these were not side effects from last night’s drinking. He thought about Jayce. This man, so beautiful inside and out, who Viktor somehow managed to keep hurting.

He was constantly thinking that Jayce would be the one to leave things between them, but maybe Viktor should be the one do it. Maybe that was the responsible course of action. And best do it now, before things somehow evolved more. “Things”. Undefined. And yet, he felt so strongly. And he was sure, that Jayce did too.

And what the fuck had even happened last night?  

Viktor felt so incredibly guilty for not noticing Jayce’s distress earlier. So selfish. He was disgusted with himself.

He heard the wooden floors creak and he looked up. Jayce was standing in the doorframe to the bedroom. He was wearing his boxer briefs and a t-shirt that was purposefully oversized on Viktor yet fit Jayce’s frame just right. Viktor had barely managed to convince Jayce to take off his suit before falling down on the mattress.

He gave Jayce a soft smile and tried to ignore how miserable the other man looked. He stretched his arm out, beckoning him over. With heavy feet Jayce moved across the living room and slumped down on the floor in front of Viktor, and rested his head in Viktor’s lap, his arms around Viktor’s back and stomach, hands clawing at his shirt.

Immediately Viktor started caressing him, stroking his hair. He placed his other hand on Jayce’s upper back, fingers twitching slightly as he felt the warmth through the t-shirt.

“Jayce –”

“Viktor, please. Don’t.”

“I think you should talk to someone. Someone who can help you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jayce nuzzled his head into Viktor’s lap and tightened his grip in Viktor’s shirt.

I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

Viktor braced himself for the question he was about to ask.

“I need to know… that I am not making you do things you don’t want to.” Well, that wasn’t a question at all, was it? “You would tell me, right?”

Jayce nodded. “Never… never with you.”

Viktor sighed quietly in relief. He took Jayce’s word for truth. Any other possibility would break him.

“And please consider what I have suggested.”

“I’m fine.”

Viktor bit the inside of his cheek, looking down at the man below him. Jayce’s eyes were screwed shut as he snuggled his cheek on Viktor’s thigh.

“What you described yesterday… it’s not normal to feel that way, my love.” The words had slipped out. Viktor held his breath. God, he was so stupid. So selfish. He did not want to let go even if he knew he should. Should he?

That made Jayce look up. He grinned but his eyes didn’t match. “Why should I pay someone to talk to them when I have you?”

“Jayce,” Viktor reprimanded.

“Yeah… yeah, I know.”

Viktor threaded his fingers through Jayce’s hair.

I am so sorry. I am so sorry. Don’t hate me. Don’t hate me. Don’t go. Don’t leave. I love you.

“Now, come sit.”

Jayce stood up and sat down next to Viktor. Viktor held out his plate and Jayce took one of the pieces of bread. He frowned. “This is all you eat?”

“It’s perfect for a hangover. Carbs, fat and salt. Stop complaining.”

They ate in silence. Viktor offered him some painkillers which he took graciously.

“Would you like to stay?”

“Do you want me to?”

“Yes, very much. But the more important question is; Do you want to?”

“Yeah.”

Jayce placed a hand on Viktor’s cheek, his thumb tracing soft circles. Viktor leaned into it and felt the soothing comfort of Jayce’s touch run through him.

“Come here,” Jayce nudged Viktor’s head forward towards himself. Viktor obeyed, because of course he did.

The kiss was careful. Viktor felt Jayce’s soft and warm lips on his own, as the hand on his cheek slid to the back of his neck, deepening the kiss. Viktor parted his lips slightly in response, allowing Jayce’s tongue to slip inside. Warmth flowed through his chest to the rest of his body, and he couldn’t help but need more. He slung his arms around Jayce and almost fell out of his chair in the process. Jayce laughed against his mouth and guided him to sit on his lap.

Jayce grabbed at the hem of Viktor’s shirt. “Can I?”

Viktor could only nod. Jayce chuckled as he dragged the shirt over Viktor’s head before removing his own. Jayce stared at Viktor’s bare skin and snaked his hands down Viktor’s chest, splaying out his fingers and moving them to Viktor’s back to rest at his shoulder blades. He leaned forward and kissed seemingly random spots on Viktor’s upper body. It took a while for Viktor to register that Jayce was kissing the dark moles that were scattered across him.

Viktor slid his hand up to the back of Jayce’s head and leaned forward, embracing him. He rested his chin on top of Jayce’s head and Jayce took the opportunity to plant small kisses on his throat. Jayce’s mouth moved to the side of Viktor’s neck and he buried his nose in Viktor’s hair. Viktor could feel his hot breath against his skin. It made him feel like putty in Jayce’s embrace. He leaned back and their eyes met. Jayce looked at Viktor with such adoration and yearning that it made Viktor feel positively dizzy under his gaze. Something else simmered underneath; but given last night, Viktor was hesitant to make any move.

Jayce surged up to meet his lips. The kiss was ravishing, consuming and hungry, and Viktor let out a strangled sound at Jayce’s eagerness. Jayce’s hands wandered down to Viktor’s ass, grabbing and holding him in place.

“The last time we were in your kitchen I would have let you done anything to me. I would have gone down on my knees for you, I would have opened my mouth for you, I would have let you bend me over and take me however you wanted,” Jayce whispered against his mouth, “I still do.”

Viktor moaned, his arousal burning through him. His skin felt like it was on fire. He ground his hips against Jayce.

“Fuck, Viktor, I need you. Please, please…” he said between kisses.

Viktor slithered one of his hands between their bodies, moving down. The other on the back of Jayce’s neck, gripping tightly, nails digging in slightly. Jayce whimpered as Viktor broke their kiss. He took Jayce’s cock out of his underwear and took him in hand. Viktor revelled in seeing his eyes roll back into his head, eyelashes fluttering shut, as Viktor moved his hand up and down.

“Look at me.”

He opened his eyes again, gazing up at Viktor.

“Touch both of us. At the same time.”

Jayce quickly released Viktor from his boxers, and Viktor shifted his body so they were better aligned. Jayce placed his bigger hand over Viktor’s, joining his movement. Jayce’s pace was much slower than Viktor liked it to be.

“You can move faster.”

“I won’t last for long then,” Jayce huffed, “It feels incredible.”

“Do it.”

Jayce groaned – a mix of frustration and pleasure – as he obeyed. His hips rutted into their joint hands and Viktor gasped for air. It did feel incredible. It was close, it was primitive, it was intimate, it was everything. Viktor arched his back and closed his eyes as his orgasm hit him. His pulse quickened and for a brief moment he felt like he was floating. He released his grip on Jayce’s neck, slid his hand down his back and felt Jayce contract underneath his touch. To Viktor’s surprise Jayce’s eyes remained open, staring at Viktor with a pleading expression. Viktor stroked him through it and Jayce squirmed underneath him. Jayce all but grunted as he came, releasing a deep groan from the back of his throat.

They collapsed in on each other, hands caressing one another in feather-light touches. The tension between them eased but not gone. This was needed, it felt necessary.

Jayce took Viktor’s face in his hands and kissed the mole by his lips, he moved Viktor’s head to kiss his cheek, his other mole, his brow, his temple. Viktor giggled as Jayce trailed his lips down, nibbling at Viktor’s throat.

“Don’t ever kick me out again,” Jayce muttered breathlessly against Viktor’s neck.

“I could never,” Viktor reassured as he pulled them together for a kiss.

Chapter Text

Jayce had invited Viktor over to his apartment – technically Mel’s – for the first time since he had been there in September. Now it was the middle of December, Christmas dangerously close. Honestly, they both preferred Viktor’s place, anyways. After that fateful evening where Jayce had sat out in Viktor’s hallway, Viktor had given him a set of keys. It was just easier that way. Practical. And it was also just easier for Jayce to have some of his clothes at Viktor’s. Some t-shirts, two button-downs, a sweater, a pair of jeans, socks and boxers. Practical. Toiletries as well. It amused him how high-maintenance Jayce was; needing to shave every fucking day, special wax for his hair, special assortment of special skincare products from a special body shampoo to a special cream for the rough skin on his palms form lifting weights. Special. Pristine. Perfect. Sometimes he would spend several minutes setting his hair, walking out of the bathroom with a satisfied grin only for Viktor to pull him in for a kiss and run his fingers through the hair, messing it up. He did it on purpose, they both knew, but Jayce was never angry with him about it.

Jayce had stayed over almost the entirety of the last two weeks. Viktor wondered what he told Mel. What he told his friends. If he did.

But he did still have a proper place to live. Viktor hadn’t even seen Jayce’s room when he had been there. And he was definitely curious. Jayce had said that Mel was out of town, had already left to visit her mum in Britain over Christmas.

God, Viktor dreaded going to see his mother. So, he didn’t think about it. Not yet. Tonight, he was with Jayce and that was all that mattered.

Jayce opened the front door and they stepped in. It still looked the same.

Matthew’s word echoed in Viktor’s mind;

Just remember to be kind as well.

Viktor never thought of himself as unkind. And he knew that that wasn’t what Matthew had meant. A previous lover had once called Viktor cold. Viktor had never thought of himself as cold, either. He was wary of other people, sure. But not unkind. He was an introvert and solitude was bliss – words often said by his mother – but he still enjoyed the company of others. To a certain degree.

It had been an argument. The man wanted more than Viktor could offer. More than Viktor wanted to offer. But with Jayce, fuck, he wanted everything. He wanted it all. But he couldn’t give it. What if he got sick like his mother? He would not want to put Jayce through that. He had seen the agony on his father’s face every day. The thought of seeing that same pained, hopeless expression on Jayce was too much to bear.

And yet here he was. In Jayce’s bedroom. Looking at his belongings while Jayce had excused himself to the bathroom.

The bed was a simple queen size bed pushed up against the corner of the room. Light blue covers. Two big decorative pillows propped up against the wall. A small, black bedside table with a square lamp on top of it, emitting a warm yellow-y light, next to it a small leather-bound notebook. Viktor had seen it a few times in the lab. There was a big closet with mirrored doors. An unassuming desk absolutely littered with books and papers and pens. The material of the table barely visible beneath the clutter. A few books on the windowsill, on the floor next to the desk, even next to the bed. The single bookcase was not enough for all of Jayce’s belongings. A Walkman on the desk as well, half of a shelf in the bookcase storing his cassettes. Viktor scoured them, interested in what music Jayce might listen to. Cocteau Twins, Chris Isaak, Elliot Smith. Well, Viktor did know that Jayce was a big softie. Viktor was slightly amused at the clearly older cassettes adorning the shelf; Madonna, Pet Shop Boys, Soft Cell, Erasure. For someone who was surprised by his attraction to men, his music certainly revealed an inclination. Not that Viktor abided much to stereotypes. He imagined a teenaged Jayce dancing in his childhood bedroom, which undoubtedly must have been messier than this one.

His eyes landed on the notebook on the bedside table again. It didn’t seem like it was for their research. Jayce always laid his notebooks bare – completely open for Viktor to inspect. But never this one. It was always closed. As it was right now.

Viktor’s fingers twitched as they hovered over the book. Clearly, it was private. Clearly, he shouldn’t.

He opened it on random page. A pencil drawing. A woman in her 40s or 50s. She was beautiful. A mole under her left eye. Lips turned slightly upwards in a warm, welcoming smile. Her hair in a simple updo with lighter streaks. She was staring back at Viktor. Perhaps Jayce’s mother. Had Jayce drawn this?

He flipped to another page. Another drawing. Of Caitlyn. Again, clearly a portrait; Caitlyn looking at the observer. Her eyes crinkled and a soft smile on her lips. The care with which this drawn; the attention to the small details. It was astounding. She looked beautiful.

Another page, another drawing. Someone Viktor didn’t recognise.

He flipped to another page. His heart nearly fluttered out of his chest. It was of him. It was of Viktor. Yet unlike the others, this was not a portrait. Viktor was turned away from the observer, his sharp profile in focus. Hunched over. Hand on his chin, thinking. Yet he looked peaceful. Beautiful, even.

Viktor couldn’t help himself; he picked up the book and turned another page. The double spread was filled with small drawings of different people. He recognised Mel. Another stranger. But so many of them were of him. Viktor’s face from different angles. Smiling. Serious. Contemplating. Beautiful.

He heard Jayce’s footsteps in the hallway. Quickly, he closed the notebook and put it back where he had found it.

“Find anything interesting?” Jayce peeked his head through the doorframe.

“You are messy, is what I have found.”

“To you. I have a system.”

Viktor pointed to the scattered books and papers on his desk. “There is absolutely no system in this.”

Jayce chuckled. “Let’s go make dinner.”

They walked down the hallway and into the kitchen. It was surprisingly big. White and modern and clean but trying to look vintage. A kitchen island with two stools on one side, facing the counter.

Jayce gestured to one of them. “Please sit.”

“You don’t need my help?”

“No. Just your company,” Jayce said with a gentle smile.

Viktor still had his bag slung around his shoulders. He took his own notebook out and put it on the table as he sat down. Viktor had been stumped by a problem regarding energy storage for the whole day. He felt like it was just at the tip of his tongue but he hadn’t gotten anywhere.

“Still stuck?”

Viktor nodded and twisted his finger in the curls of his hair while he looked over the equations.

Jayce moved around the island and stood behind Viktor, chin resting on Viktor’s shoulder, arms slung around Viktor’s middle. He was so warm. Viktor sighed in delight at his touch.

“Hm…” Jayce took one of his hands up to the notebook and slid his fingers along the equations. He took Viktor’s pen out of his hand and started scribbling below Viktor’s notes. Viktor’s eyes widened in realisation as Jayce casually solved his problem within minutes.

“Oh my God… You’re a genius,” Viktor turned his head towards Jayce and kissed him on the side of the mouth before taking his face in his hands and pulling him in for a hungry kiss. Jayce pliantly opened his mouth and Viktor just couldn’t help but moan as their tongues met.

Jayce pulled away and laughed. “That gets you going, huh? Talking shop?”

“You have no idea.”

“Oh yeah?” Jayce leaned in closer, his mouth just next to Viktor’s ear, the sides of their heads pressed close, Jayce’s grip on Viktor sending waves of electricity through him. “Cadmium telluride, linear Fresnel reflector, photovoltaic effect, thermal oxidation –“

Viktor giggled and pushed Jayce away. “I thought you were supposed to make dinner?”

“It can wait,” Jayce buried his face in Viktor’s hair and breathed in.

“You do that a lot, you know.”

“I can’t help it. You smell so fucking good. It’s infuriating.”

Viktor leaned back. Jayce rubbed his nose and lips all over Viktor’s hair and the side of his face. Had anyone else done it, Viktor would have thought it ridiculous. But with Jayce it was so fucking hot.

Jayce kissed his throat and slid his hands to Viktor’s lap, palming his cock through his trousers. Viktor bit back a moan.

“God, I wish we could just fuck right here,” Jayce whispered into his ear,  “Can I carry you?”

Had it been anyone else Viktor might have slapped them. “Go on then.”

Jayce twisted the stool around and placed his hands under Viktor’s ass. Viktor couldn’t help but yelp as he was lifted up and he wrapped his legs around Jayce.

Jayce walked them back into his bedroom, stumbling over some of the books on the floor and lowered Viktor on his bed. Jayce was on him in an instant, kissing him. They both laughed as Jayce struggled to open the buttons Viktor’s shirt. He finally put his hands and lips on Viktor’s bare skin and kissed him, licked him, bit him. Viktor moaned at the sensation. He clawed at Jayce’s polo and Jayce quickly took it off. They marvelled at each other, panting, pupils blown wide in lust. They took off the rest of their clothes. Jayce was clearly giddy in anticipation.

He lowered himself back onto Viktor and kissed him, wet, hot, urgent. Viktor’s hand slid over Jayce’s back and Jayce trailed his one hand down Viktor’s body to grab at his hip, digging his fingers into the skin. His other hand buried in Viktor’s locks. He crawled down along Viktor’s body placing hot kisses along his way. He ghosted his lips over Viktor, breath hot against his skin, just for a moment, before he took him in his mouth.

“You are so good at that,” Viktor sighed and grabbed a fistful of Jayce’s hair. Everything Jayce did was tantalizing. Viktor could never grow tired of it. Like this, yes, of course, but also doing mundane tasks in the lab, on the couch, sleeping, cooking, reading, concentrating. It didn’t matter. Everything he did was – ah – Viktor felt Jayce’s tongue going up and down his length, ridding him of any coherent thoughts.

Jayce came up for air and slunk back up to kiss him. Open-mouthed and needy. In one swift movement, Jayce turned them around so Viktor was on top.

“I want you to fuck me,” Jayce panted against Viktor’s mouth.

“Are you sure, my love?”

“Please,” he shuddered, “And call me that again.”

Of course, this man loved receiving a pet name. Viktor smirked. “Come here, love,” he said as he pulled Jayce up for another kiss.

Jayce reached for his nightstand and found some lube. He gave the bottle to Viktor who applied it to his fingers and carefully entered a single finger. Jayce closed his eyes and let himself relax. Viktor kissed his chest and shoulders as he pushed his finger in and out. After a while he added another finger. He found that wonderful spot and Jayce’s eyes closed as his mouth opened and let out the most delicious sounds.

“Please…”

Viktor chuckled. “So eager.” He trailed his free hand up to Jayce’s throat, remembering how much he seemed to enjoy it the last time. He wrapped his fingers around and applied pressure. The reaction from Jayce was instantaneous; his hips thrust forward as he whimpered. Jayce surged for Viktor’s lips, kissing him once more. Viktor’s fingers twitching. He pushed Jayce down into the mattress and applied just a little more pressure around his throat. Jayce’s eyes fluttered shut and Viktor massaged him open with his fingers. He hit the spot again and Jayce’s eyes opened, staring at Viktor pleadingly. But Viktor was feeling just a little mean today and he simply continued working Jayce with his fingers, curling them just right, teasing him again and again.  And what a sight. Jayce screwed his eyes shut, lewd noises escaping his open mouth, his back arching underneath Viktor.

He suddenly opened his eyes, staring at Viktor, fire behind them, and grabbed Viktor’s wrist. “I need you now.”

Viktor carefully removed his fingers. Enough teasing. He was feeling impatient as well. “Turn around.”

Viktor sat up as Jayce turned. He placed open-mouthed kisses on Jayce’s back trailing down his spine. Viktor licked the soft and warm skin and God, Jayce smelled delicious too. He grabbed some more lube and slowly pressed himself into Jayce. They let out a loud exhale in synch as he went in deeper and deeper. Craving it. Needing it.

He placed his elbows next to Jayce’s head and grabbed a hold of one Jayce’s hands, their fingers interlaced. He wrapped his other arm around Jayce’s upper body, holding him tight. So intimate. So close. Viktor’s stomach flush against Jayce’s back. He could feel the heat and the pure want emanating from Jayce. Viktor was slow at first; slow and teasing still and Jayce groaned underneath him.

“Does it feel good?”

Jayce nodded and lowered his head onto the pillow.

Jayce clenched around him and fuck, it drove Viktor mad. He propped himself back up on his hands and put one on the back of Jayce’s neck, pushing him down into the mattress. Not too hard. Just a little. Jayce whined and arched his back and it almost made Viktor see stars, pushing him further to the edge much sooner than he wanted. Viktor rocked his hips faster and pushed and pushed and Jayce took it all, his moaning an indication that he was enjoying himself just as much. Hips coming up to meet Viktor’s.

He saw Jayce snake one of his hands down his body to take himself in hand. Jayce squirmed underneath him and Viktor felt a sudden need to hold him, to keep him still, to mark him. He dropped back down on his elbows and bit into the back of Jayce’s neck like a wild animal, keeping its mate in place. Jayce gasped and keened underneath him, and Viktor savoured each and every sound he could coax out of Jayce. They melded together, fused together, unsure where one body began and the other ended.

It was intoxicating. It felt amazing. Jayce felt amazing. Viktor’s hips started stuttering, the rhythm uneven.

“Come in me. I want you. I want you. I wa-”

Viktor moaned loudly, the words finally driving him over the edge. He placed his forehead on the back of Jayce’s head, panting heavily, the heat sparking through him as he came. He tried his best to continue a steady rhythm until he felt Jayce’s body quiver beneath him. Jayce grabbed one of Viktor’s hands tightly and groaned into the covers beneath him as he came.

They stayed close like this until their breathing slowed down. Viktor removed himself carefully and slumped down on his side next to Jayce, who turned his head towards him, still lying on his stomach. Viktor trailed his fingers along Jayce’s back, slick with sweat, and Jayce let out a satisfied hum in response. Viktor snuggled closer to Jayce and kissed his shoulder delicately. Jayce leaned over, pressing their foreheads together. He could feel Jayce smile against his lips as he angled his head to kiss him.

“We should get up. Clean up. Eat,” Viktor said.

Jayce slung an arm around Viktor. “Not yet.” His hand trailing down the side of Viktor’s body. He winced as he his body shifted at the movement.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. It’s just… heh… well. Different. It’s good! I like it! I really really like it,” Jayce smiled sheepishly, “But it’s… different.”

“We can always switch. Every now and then.”

Jayce’s eyes widened. “Really? You’d want that?” he smirked. “Every now and then.”

“Of course. I think people who commit to one role are severely missing out.”

“I’m not complaining, you know?”

“I know.” Viktor smiled fondly as he traced his fingers over Jayce’s temple to his cheek to his neck to his shoulders, down his gorgeous back and ass. He leaned in and kissed him again.

“I just put on new sheets,” Jayce said with a quiet laugh.

Viktor entered the kitchen. Jayce was already there, making scrambled eggs.

“Good morning,” Jayce chimed as he noticed Viktor.

“Morning.”

“Breakfast will be ready in a minute. Coffee?”

“Yes please.”

Jayce poured him a generous cup and put in a good amount of milk as well. Just how Viktor liked it.

“We have eggs, rye bread, camembert, apple, some berries, yoghurt, granola,…” Jayce gestured at the spread he was making. “And if that fails, I’m sure we also have toast and butter.”

Viktor laughed. “What you are making sound delicious. Thank you.”

Viktor had found out that Jayce ate a lot. Like, so much food. Of course, he wasn’t really surprised by this. One look at Jayce was enough to know he needed a steady, healthy, plentiful diet to attain his physique. And Viktor definitely was not complaining. Also, because it meant that he didn’t need to cook anymore – Jayce did. Jayce seemed to find great satisfaction in making food for Viktor. He would place the plate in front of Viktor, gesture for him to dig in and then watch as Viktor took the first bite. Jayce never took the first bite. He never even touched his own plate until Viktor looked up, met his eyes and said this is delicious, thank you so much. A beautiful blush would spread across Jayce’s face and he’d say oh, it’s just something I threw together. And then he’d start eating.

Viktor wasn’t allowed to eat his beloved butter on toast anymore. Jayce complained; Not sufficient. Not healthy. Not enough nutrients. Not enough protein. So, Jayce also made breakfast. Often oatmeal. With diced apples, a dash of cinnamon, and some vanilla protein powder. Jayce also put good dollop of peanut butter on his. How this was healthier than toast, Viktor couldn’t fathom. It tasted like dessert.

He took a sip of his coffee and let his eyes rake over Jayce’s body. So beautiful. So kind.

A few days ago, Viktor had found Jayce staring absentmindedly down into his bowl of oats. Viktor had called his name four times before he reacted.

He cleared his throat. “Have you thought about what I said? About… getting help?”

Jayce didn’t answer. Viktor noticed how his shoulder twitched slightly.

“You should talk to a therapist –”

“And what about you?” Jayce turned towards him, “Are you getting help?”

“With what?” He said incredulously.

“Don’t you think you need someone to talk to? Your mom’s illness, your dad’s… well, you know.”

“We’re not talking about me right now.”

“Well, why shouldn’t we?”

“You are deflecting.”

“So are you!”

“Jayce.”

“Viktor.”

They were at a stalemate. Staring at each other. Arms crossed.

“It’s not the same,” Viktor sighed, eventually.

“How’s it any different?”

“I was…” Viktor gritted his teeth. Be kind. Share. Lead by example. “I felt guilty. I felt guilty for forgetting about my father’s death. I was angry at myself. And I lashed out because of it – and I’m so sorry – but you… Jayce, you are… disassociating.”

Jayce’s gaze faltered. He looked down at the ground.

“Please, my love.” Was it manipulative to use the knowledge that Jayce liked being called this? Maybe. But Viktor would do anything to get this man to listen.

“I’ll think about it.”

That was better than nothing, Viktor supposed. It was a start. He would simply try again another time. And then again, if necessary. And again.

Jayce put down a plate in front of Viktor and stood opposite of him, elbows placed on the counter. It truly was a feast.

Viktor scooped up some scrambled eggs with his fork and took a bite. “Mmm. Thank you, it’s great.”

Jayce smiled proudly and dove in.

Viktor wasn’t sure when he’d last had a breakfast like this but he knew for sure that no man had ever made one for him before. He turned his eyes towards Jayce. This man. Viktor wanted everything. And he wanted to give everything. Jayce deserved it.

“Maybe we should go out today, hm? Do something?”

Jayce chuckled. “Like a date?”

“Yes,” Viktor smiled and reached out to take Jayce’s hand in his.

“Okay… and do what?”

“Hm. Let me think of something.”

“Won’t people – I don’t know – won’t people stare?”

“Not unless you plan on sticking your tongue down my throat on the open street. Even then…”

Jayce sputtered.

Viktor leaned back and studied him. Maybe it was too much. “But if you don’t feel comfortable…”

“No. No. I don’t know…” he shook his head, “I am. I would love to.”

They were sitting in the café of the Whitney. Viktor had suggested it as it wasn’t too far away from Jayce’s place. They had gone through the exhibitions in relative silence, pointing out small details to each other. Viktor wanted to ask how long Jayce had been drawing, what made him do it in the first place, if he’d ever taken classes or if he was self-taught. But he couldn’t. He bit on the inside of his cheek. He really shouldn’t have looked into that notebook. It had been a breach of privacy. But he also felt incredibly honoured. Did Jayce truly see him the way he had drawn him? Viktor thought he looked so different in the drawings than he did in the mirror. His features somehow more… elegant. Casting faint shadows rather than dark obscurities. His hair soft and curly rather than scruffy and unkempt.

The café hummed with guests, coffee machines whirring, cutlery clinking. They had both ordered some incredibly overpriced tea, and Viktor had gotten a slice of carrot cake as well. He was jabbing at it with his fork. Jayce was flicking through the museum catalogue about their Klaus Kertess curated biennial. He was leaning back in his chair, legs crossed. He looked downright sophisticated. It was unbelievably hot. Viktor mused at the fact that they both mirrored how the other usually dressed; Viktor in a light, cream-coloured sweater with a dark blue polo underneath, collar peeping out, and Jayce in a dark brown button-down and black pants. Fusing. Mending.

Jayce took the teacup up to his mouth. Viktor shamelessly followed the movement; watching the cup touch Jayce’s lips, how his Adam’s apple moved as he drank, how a small droplet of fluid lingered on his lower lip, and how he licked it away.

“Viktor, are you even listening?”

“Hm?”

Jayce laughed. “I said, I’ve always enjoyed Hopper’s paintings.”

“Ah, yes.”

“The thick atmosphere, the play between light and dark, the bold colours. His ability to capture everyday scenes with this sense of melancholy.”

“I’ve always thought them to be very lonely. Perhaps a bit too melancholic, for my taste. For me, his subjects are always these isolated figures in anonymous urban spaces. Even if there are more people, they are distant from one another, they can’t connect.”

“That’s one reading of it, I guess. I find them to be seductive, almost. Like, we, as the viewer are voyeurs, watching these people without them knowing. We are watching them trying to connect, trying to form relations, watching them introspect, watching them navigate these “urban spaces”. I quite like it.”

Viktor leaned back in the chair. They were staring into each other’s eyes. Communicating without words. Viktor gave Jayce a sly smile and revelled in how a pink blush spread across Jayce’s face.

“I quite liked the Georgia O’Keefe paintings,” Viktor said and shrugged nonchalantly.

“Really? The flowers? I hadn’t expected that.”

“Why not?” Viktor knew exactly why but he was going to torture it out of Jayce.

“Well, because it’s… they’re… the flowers… you know?”

 “Hm, no, tell me.”

“Well, they’re… erotic.”

“Yes, and? You just said you enjoyed the voyeuristic aspect of Hopper’s paintings. That’s quite erotic as well.”

“Yes, but flowers are suggestive… in a certain way…”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh my God, Viktor, they’re vaginas.”

Viktor laughed. “That’s one interpretation. Marketed by her husband, actually. O’Keefe spent her whole life denying that her flower paintings were sexual in any way. According to her, the paintings are supposed to evoke awe at nature. Taking a small flower and magnifying it on a canvas, forcing us to come to terms with the enormity of nature. They’re gorgeous. She hated the Freudian analysis.”

“Well, it’s art. It can be both.”

“Sure. But often female artists are not allowed to have the complexities and ambiguity that male artists are permitted. She fought hard against her work being reduced to one reading. So, when you say that they are… the female genitalia, you are doing exactly that.”

“I recall you doing the same thing when we just talked about Hopper’s paintings.”

“No, I said that his paintings are melancholic and lonely for me. I was simply expressing my opinion, not stating a fact.”

“You’re being pedantic.”

Viktor smirked. “I guess I am.”

He pierced the cake with his fork and took a piece of it up to his mouth. He let the fork linger and dragged it down his lower lip as he slowly took it out again.

“Viktor…”

“What?”

“We need to go back home right now.”

Chapter Text

“Jayce, you’re staring,” Viktor sat on the couch with a book in hand. He didn’t need to look up to feel Jayce’s eyes on him. They were back in Viktor’s apartment since he still had to pack.

“Sorry.”

“I wasn’t complaining.”

Viktor put down the book, leaned over and kissed him. Jayce let out a long happy sigh.

“I don’t want you to leave tomorrow.”

Neither did Viktor, to be honest. He loved his mum but she had a way of pushing his buttons. He clenched his jaw. “It’s just four days. I’ll be back again the 27^th. Though very late. In the middle of the night, if I remember correctly.”

Jayce nuzzled into Viktor’s shoulder. “I can’t wait.”

He let himself drop down so his head was resting in Viktor’s lap. “I was thinking about when we first met.”

“Oh?”

“What did you think of me?” Jayce reached up and caressed Viktor’s jaw.

Viktor smirked. “Well, my first thought was that you were gorgeous. Your eyes drew me in. And then you… confused me. Showing up at the lecture. Asking me out for a beer. But when we got to talk it was so easy. I saw how smart you were, how intelligent. Not that I ever doubted you were. I felt very comfortable around you very quickly. But I have to admit, you still confused me. I wasn’t sure if you were flirting with me.”

“I think maybe I was. But not consciously.”

“Is that supposed to flatter me?” Viktor laughed. “What about you? It’s only fair, now that you started this.”

Viktor saw how Jayce went completely red before he put a hand over his face. “It’s not a good story…”

“Oh, now you have to tell me!” Viktor narrowed his eyes.

Jayce removed his hand and stared up at Viktor. His eyes flickering back and forth. Pondering. Thinking.

“I kind of met you for the first time twice.”

“What do you mean?”

“I attended one of your guest lectures in May. But of course, we really only actually met in September.”

“You never told me.”

Jayce smiled gently. “I think I fell in love with you the moment I met you, then, in the lab. I was so captivated by everything you said and did. This curiosity overtook me. I needed to get to know you. I wanted you to talk to me; to teach me everything you knew. And I wanted to have your attention – yes, I wanted to impress you – but I just wanted you to truly see me.  And I thought you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen. I wasn’t able to look away.”

He weaved his fingers through Jayce’s hair. He leaned down, his lips hovering above Jayce’s. “I see you,” he whispered.

Their lips met for a slow, languid kiss.

Viktor’s heart fluttered. He could feel it beating rapidly in his chest. His breathing came in short and shallow.

I fell in love with you the moment I met you.

How is that even possible?

Jayce sat up, awkwardly trying not to break the kiss and straddled Viktor. They kissed fervently as they removed each other’s shirts. Jayce pressed his lips against Viktor’s throat and Viktor could feel him moan against his skin.

“I want to make you feel the way you make me feel. I want to take care of you. I want to fucking worship you.”

Viktor shivered. He wasn’t usually one to beg but, “Please, yes.”

Jayce slid down on the floor. Oh. Viktor smirked. A sight he truly would never get tired of; Jayce on his knees in front of him. He was already half-hard and the view only spurned him on. He lifted himself ever so slightly to help Jayce pull his jeans down.

Jayce placed his hands on Viktor’s thighs, spreading them so he could sit more comfortably in front of him. He kissed Viktor’s brace.

“You don’t always have to do that.”

“I know. But it’s a part of you. And I admire – every – part – of – you,” he said between kisses.

Viktor couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at the words. Jayce Talis, ever the romantic.

Viktor sighed in content as he felt Jayce’s lips trail further upwards. His one hand was behind him for balance, the other found Jayce’s hair and tugged.

“I want you to guide me,” Jayce said as he looked up.

Viktor knit his eyebrows together shooting Jayce a questioning look. But Jayce only gave him a coy smile response. Eyes filled with adoration. Devotion. Submission.

Viktor placed his bad leg over Jayce’s shoulder and forced him closer. There was something deliciously obscene about Jayce trapped between him; underneath him. He tightened his grip in Jayce’s hair and he moved his head over his cock.

“Open your mouth,” he guided Jayce down on him and couldn’t help but groan. He moved Jayce’s head up and down and Jayce wrapped a hand around Viktor, moving in tandem.

“Do you want to touch yourself?” Viktor panted. Jayce only nodded and snaked a hand down to do exactly that, freeing himself from his pants. He tugged at himself, his face completely flustered. He watched as Jayce’s shoulders and chest tensed; Viktor could see every muscle, every tendon, every fibre, every vein underneath his beautiful tan skin as he worked himself and Viktor. Amazing.

“You are so good. So good to me.”

Viktor threw his head back. Jayce was truly incredible. They picked up the pace and Viktor felt the heat building in his stomach. He was overcome with a sudden need to be closer. This was not nearly enough. He wanted to hold Jayce. To kiss him. To caress him.

“Wait, wait. Stop.”

Jayce looked up. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes. Everything’s good… would you like to move to the bedroom?”

Jayce smiled. “Yes.”

They stood up and Jayce slung an arm around Viktor to help his balance as they made their way to the bed. Jayce took off his pants and Viktor sat up against the headboard and Jayce crawled up, swung his legs over, straddling Viktor between his thighs. For a brief moment it made him feel self-conscious. Viktor, small and frail, and Jayce, muscular and tall, sitting on top of him. Surely it must look weird. But then Jayce kissed him with such urgency and such care that it didn’t matter.

It started gently, softly, hands gliding over each other, lips meeting, open, hot, wanting, licking into each other.

Viktor reached over and fished the lube out of the drawer in the nightstand, before entering a slick finger into Jayce and Jayce let out a pleasurable sigh. They were quick about it today. The feeling, the need to be as close as possible seemed all-consuming in both of them.

Jayce reached between his legs to angle Viktor upwards before sitting down on him, slowly sliding down. Viktor moaned. Fuck. He shifted his body slightly as Jayce met his hips and a strangled gasp escaped Jayce’s lips. The sweetest of sounds. Arousal thrummed through both of them. Jayce placed his hands on Viktor’s chest, on his shoulders, he was grasping for balance as he started moving. Viktor’s fingers dug into the meat of Jayce’s thighs.

And then Jayce was riding him, moving up and down, and it was a performance in way, wasn’t it? A performance just for him. Just for Viktor. As Jayce had promised. Worship. Hot, sexy, mine. No one else. Just me. Only mine. Just us.

They kissed again and it was perfect. They were close, skin against skin, arms wrapped around each other. Viktor kissed Jayce’s chest and along his collarbones. Viktor’s arms were draped over Jayce’s back. One hand between his shoulder blades, the other on the back of his neck. Jayce held him tight and close to and it was exactly what Viktor had wanted.  

Jayce grabbed the back of his neck, foreheads pressed together, breathing each other in.

“Come for me, Viktor.”

He tensed and bucked his hips upwards causing Jayce to moan so wonderfully. He lost control completely, desperately holding onto Jayce’s thighs, yanking him down and burying himself as deep as he could as he came.

“God, Jayce, you’re amazing.”

They both let out several deep breaths. Holding each other for a while. Kissing.

Viktor was so, so in love.

“Can you stand up?”

Jayce quickly got on his feet, knees wobbling. Viktor scooted to the edge of the bed and looked up at Jayce through his lashes. He kissed his thighs and Jayce looked down at him with avid intensity as he twisted his fingers through Viktor’s longer locks. As Viktor wrapped his lips around him, Jayce let out a choked moan and Viktor could tell by tension of his muscles, that he was barely restraining himself from bucking his hips and thrusting into Viktor’s mouth. Not that he’d mind.

Now it was Viktor who was performing. Performing for Jayce. Showing his appreciation in the most basic, intrinsic, animalistic of ways. In a way that was done without words. He quickened his movements, wrapping a hand around the length of him as well, and began to suck Jayce down. Jayce’s breathing hitched and he whined as Viktor continued working him with his mouth and tongue. He gazed up and felt a certain pride swell up in him in the way Jayce’s head lulled back, lips slightly parted. As much as Viktor liked being in control, relinquishing control was sometimes equally enticing. He put a hand around Jayce’s that was still in his hair, indicating use me. Jayce understood, his other hand grabbing the back of Viktor’s head as well as his hips started moving.

Jayce pulled out of his mouth and stroked himself as Viktor tilted his head back and opened his mouth, sticking his tongue out. Their eyes locked on one another. Jayce whimpered and moaned above him as he finally came and Viktor closed his eyes instinctively as he felt the hot, sticky liquid on his cheek and tongue. Viktor couldn’t help the groan that escaped his lips at the sensation. Jayce marking him. God. Yes. Yes.

He opened his eyes again only to look up at Jayce who was completely out of breath in front of him, eyes boring into Viktor’s. Viktor laid his index finger flat on his cheek and pushed the remainder of Jayce into his mouth. Jayce let out a small gasp at the sight and he felt Jayce’s thumb come up to his jawline, guiding some more of his cum into Viktor’s still open and waiting mouth. He slid his thumb down Viktor’s bottom lip, tugging slightly at it, before settling the hand at Viktor’s chin. Viktor closed his mouth and swallowed, keeping eye contact throughout. He opened his mouth again to show Jayce his clean tongue; Don’t you see? I’m yours. I’m yours as much as you are mine. I want everything you give me. I want everything. You are everything.

Jayce dropped down on his knees and placed his head on Viktor’s lap, kissing and nestling into his thighs. Viktor hummed in delight and pet Jayce’s head while falling back onto the bed.

“Come here,” Viktor beckoned.

Jayce let out a staggered breath and crawled on top of him, pushing Viktor down into the mattress as they kissed. Gently. Passionately. Romantically.

“I am so, so in love with you,” Jayce whispered as he took Viktor’s face in his hands.

“I’m in love with you, too,” Viktor whispered back, big smile on his face.

“Jayce, you can relax,” Viktor said as they stood outside The Last Drop. He could see how tense Jayce’s body was, how he hardly breathed. He had asked Jayce if he wanted to get one last drink before Viktor left tomorrow. “These people don’t bite.” He poked at Jayce’s side.

“No, I know,” Jayce was positively flustered. Viktor took Jayce’s hand in his.

“We’re not inside yet!”

“We are in the Village. No one cares. Let’s go in.”

They entered and it was a crowded night. The Last Drop had a good mix of both men and women, though mostly men. Viktor saw Jayce’s eyes dart around the room. He dragged him by the hand over to the bar where Sevika and another younger man were serving drinks. He gave her a wave and saw her eyes widen as they settled on Jayce. She raised her eyebrows and gave Viktor an impressed look. He raised two fingers in the air and mouthed beer. She nodded.

Viktor turned back around to Jayce. “Close your mouth, love,” Viktor laughed.

Jayce snapped his jaw shut. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“Here ya go,” Sevika placed two bottles by them. Viktor paid and gestured for Jayce to take the beers.

“Let’s go find some place to sit,” Viktor scanned the room. Thankfully a couple just left from their table and Viktor moved quickly. He sighed in relief as he sat down. The cold air and their… previous activities had made his leg hurt a little more than usual. Jayce placed the bottles on the rickety table and Viktor moved the other chair closer to his own with his cane. Jayce didn’t notice as he sat down. Viktor placed a hand on Jayce’s arm and Jayce jerked his head to him.

“Are you that uncomfortable?” Viktor frowned.

“No, no. Sorry,” Jayce visibly relaxed. A little, at least. “People look so different from what I expected.”

Viktor snorted. “What did you expect? That everyone looks like Divine and John Waters?”

“I don’t know.”

 He stared sheepishly down the bottle. He took a sip. He looked at Viktor again. He exhaled and took his hand up to Viktor’s face, moving a loose strand of hair. He let his hand trail down Viktor’s cheek, down to his jaw, down the side of his neck where it settled.

“Can I kiss you?”

“Yes,” Viktor smiled.

Jayce leaned forward and tenderly placed his lips on Viktor’s. Viktor pulled him in closer by his collar and deepened the kiss. He hummed in delight. They parted and Jayce lingered in close. His eyes such a vivid green in this light.

“It’s nice. Like this,” Jayce said.

“In public, you mean?”

“Yeah.”

Jayce moved his body closer and placed a hand on Viktor’s forearm which rested on the table. He sighed as he looked around the room again. Then he froze.

“Jayce, what’s wrong?” Viktor followed his line of sight and saw… Caitlyn. At the bar. With a woman. Their arms slung around each other. The other woman stroked through Caitlyn’s hair, brushing it to the side before leaning in and whispering something into her ear. They were very familiar with one and another. Viktor looked back at Jayce. Jayce was staring wide-eyed, mouth open.

“What do I do?”

“Well, you could go over and say hello.”

Jayce gulped. “I never knew… Never even suspected.”

Viktor rolled his eyes. Did these people even really know each other?

“Oh God, she’s seen me.”

Viktor looked back at Caitlyn and had to bite back a laugh; her expression a mirror to how Jayce looked. He got eye-contact with the other woman – muscular build, asymmetrical short red hair, lots of tattoos – and shrugged. She shrugged back. He was sure he had seen her here before.

The women moved across the bar towards them. Jayce removed his hand from Viktor.

“Hi Cait,” he choked.

“Jayce,” her eyes darted towards Viktor and her shell-shocked expression softened a little. “Hi Viktor.”

Neither Caitlyn nor Jayce said anything else.

“Well, pleased to meet you. I’m Vi. Or, Violet. But please, just Vi,” Vi reached her hand out and Viktor shook it. He introduced himself and looked over to Jayce. Who was still staring at Caitlyn.

“Oh my God, get over it. You’re both gays. Move on,” Vi said as she sat down.

Jayce and Caitlyn both sputtered in protest.

“Please, will you join us, Caitlyn?” Viktor motioned to the free chair. She sat down.

Silence.

Vi thrummed her fingers at the edge of the table and whistled. “Cool talk. Nice to meet you, Jayce. Heard much about you.”

Viktor laughed. “Give them a moment. I think I can hear their worldview crumbling.”

“Very funny,” Caitlyn retorted.

“She speaks!” Vi exclaimed. 

“Jayce, I… how long?” Caitlyn asked.

“I don’t know. Since I met Viktor, I guess.”

”Whew, nice going, dude. That’s a pretty big honour.” Vi laughed and wiggled her eyebrows at Viktor. Viktor felt his face grow hotter.

“Well, what about you?” Jayce said.

“I don’t know. Since I was 15?”

“15?! Why did you never tell me?”

“I don’t know! How long have you two been together?”

Oh. Well, they hadn’t discussed this yet –

“About a month,” Jayce said. It came out quick as well. Confident. “But I mean, we’ve known each other longer... What about you?”

Caitlyn looked down and smiled blushingly. “About a year.”

“A year?! Why did you never tell me?”

“Oookay. This conversation is moving in circles. Viktor and I are going to the bar to buy another round or something, and when we come back, the two of you are going to act normal again, okay?” Vi stood up and Viktor followed suit. He grabbed his cane and moved with her. The bar was more busy tonight and it was awkward for Viktor to move through the crowd with his cane, accidently stepping on other people’s feet. It made him uncomfortable.

He leaned against the counter with Vi as they observed Jayce and Caitlyn. Vi laughed.

“Look at those idiots, man. How the fuck did they not know?”

“Ignorance is bliss, I suppose.” 

Viktor furrowed his brow. Is this what awaited him? A secret relationship never spoken of? Hushed love confessions only vocalised in the shadows of Viktor’s apartment. Like today. A clandestine paramour hidden away from friends and family simply to uphold the illusion of perfect americana? Only for Jayce to come crawling to him when he needed a quick fuck? Maybe some companionship, if he were to be so lucky. Viktor; forever the queer, the sissy, the pansy, the pederast, the sodomite – and Jayce; forever only the confirmed bachelor.

Viktor felt his lips curl downwards.

“You okay, dude?”

Viktor wiped at his eyes. “Yes, yes,” he cleared his throat, “What do you do, Vi?”

“I work for Asphalt Greens. It’s a free sports youth program here in the city. Non-profit. So, it’s uphill, but it’s good work.” She smiled proudly as she looked out into the crowd.

“That sounds amazing.”

“It is. I grew up without a lot of resources. I was considered an ‘at risk youth’ when I was a kid”, Vi put her fingers up to make quotation marks in the air as she rolled her eyes, “So, I’m glad to help in any way I can. You know, Silco and Vander – the owners of this bar – actually donate a good amount each month. But they’re like family to me, so I would be mad at them if they didn’t,” she chortled.

Viktor nodded.

Across the bar, Caitlyn and Jayce hugged each other and laughed loudly.

“It seems they’ve finally accepted it,” she laughed and took a step forward.

“Wait,” Viktor grabbed her arm. ”How do you do it?”

“What?”

“Jayce and Caitlyn are best friend, and yet, he’s never even heard of you? Do her parents know? Does it not make you… sad?”

“Look, not everyone’s lucky when it comes to family and acceptance. I grew up in the foster system with my little sister. We have no one. Silco and Vander are the closest thing we have had to paternity figures. Caitlyn’s mom is on the City Council. A republican no less. In a very blue state. They’d throw a fit if they knew their daughter was dating… me. I love her and I’m just glad she that she’s able to love me back and not force herself into some life that would make everyone else happy but her. Would I like her to be more comfortable? Yes. But she is when we’re together. When we’re with our friends. I’m not going to judge her for not telling her rich, out-of-touch family. I can wait.” Her eyes darted across Viktor’s face. “I can live with that. Maybe you can’t. Now, I don’t know anything about Jayce’s family. I guess you’ll have to find out for yourself. No use in wondering.” Her face was serious. “Let’s go.”

They made their way back, and Viktor felt his chest tighten. He would not want to hide who he was. He couldn’t. There were so many things in his life that he wasn’t in charge of – his leg, his mother’s illness, his own possibly looming over him, his father’s death – that who he loved and how he loved were one of the things he did not want to relent control over.

His throat constricted as he though about his mum. Visiting her. He hadn’t visited her enough. But also, he really didn’t want to.

He sat back down next to Jayce, who smiled at him. So kind. So beautiful. Jayce put his arm around Viktor, placing it on the back of Viktor’s chair, stroking Viktor’s shoulder with his thumb. His body language was relaxed and open, leaning back into his chair, legs spread, face smiling, eyes attentive.

Jayce put his other hand on Viktor’s thigh and squeezed lightly. Their eyes met and Jayce looked at him so… happily. Viktor felt some of the tension leave his body as he calmed down. Viktor wished he could just tell his brain to shut the fuck up sometimes.

He remembered their declarations earlier today. The way they had looked at each other. The way Jayce looked at him now.

I fell in love with you the moment I met you.

That wasn’t possible.

The four of them talked easily. Empty glasses and bottles started crowding the table as the evening went on. Vi was funny. Brash. She said things that made Caitlyn blush and Jayce choke on his beer.

He quite liked Caitlyn. She had always been nice to him, talked to him when Jayce invited him along. Law student at Yale. Overachiever.

Hm. Like Jayce.

Caitlyn said she wanted to be a public defender. Stick it to the big man. Help the people who really needed it and who couldn’t afford it. It was admirable but was it really realistic? Eh. He gave her one year and then she’d seek a job at some big, pompous law firm for an exuberant pay. She had the education and name behind her to work anywhere. She needed only snap her fingers and she’d get plenty of offers.

But then again. She was dating Vi. Maybe Viktor was underestimating her.

He turned his head towards Jayce who was already looking at him. Jayce’s lips twitched as their eyes met and his gaze trailed down Viktor’s body hungrily.

No. No, Viktor only imagined that. He went to stand up and Jayce grabbed his hand immediately.

Viktor flexed his hand and writhed out of Jayce’s grasp. “I’m just going to the bathroom.”

Jayce nodded. The women were talking loudly, laughing, kissing and touching each other, oblivious to them.

Viktor walked through the bar and beelined for the toilets. It was loud and crowded and music was blaring through the speakers. Was it always so loud? Viktor’s leg hurt more and more throughout the evening and he felt a dull pain in his left eye.

He opened the door and went for the urinals. One of the two stalls was occupied and Viktor thought he saw the door moving rhythmically. He chuckled to himself. Another man was here as well, just washing his hands, ready to leave as Viktor entered. He eyed Viktor up and down and gave him a lustful smirk. Viktor couldn’t help but find a small satisfaction in it. Still being wanted. He watched the man go through the door, but not before he turned around one last time to stare at Viktor. Viktor stared back. And then the man left.

Viktor shook his head and unzipped his trousers before relieving himself. He sighed as he washed his hands.

The doors opened and Jayce stood before him. He grabbed Viktor and pushed him into the free stall. He locked the rickety door behind them and was on Viktor instantly, pressing him against the wall. The cane clattered as it slid down and landed on the floor.

“Ah, Jayce, hello,” Viktor said with a smile as Jayce kissed him on the side of his neck.

Jayce hummed into his skin and his breath was hot against him. Viktor clutched the back of his shirt and pulled him closer. Jayce grabbed Viktor’s jaw, angling his head up to kiss and lick his throat. Viktor snaked a hand between their bodies to touch Jayce through his pants, but Jayce was faster, grabbing his wrist and pinning his hand over his head.

“I keep thinking about earlier,” Jayce panted into Viktor’s ear, “How good you looked like that. With my cum on your face.”

Viktor squirmed in Jayce’s grasp and groaned at the words. No one could hear them anyways. The music was loud in here as well.

Their lips met for a hungry kiss; mouths open, licking into each other. Viktor’s free hand roamed Jayce’s body, trying to find purpose.

Then Jayce dropped to his knees. Viktor put a hand up to his own mouth and laughed quietly into it. He really hadn’t expected Jayce to go down on him as often as he did. It seemed to be one of his favourite past times. Lucky for Viktor, because Jayce was exceptionally good at it.

Jayce opened Viktor’s belt and pants and took Viktor’s still soft cock in his mouth. Viktor let the back of his head hit the wall as he felt himself grow hard in Jayce’s mouth. Incredible. Jayce bobbed his head and worked his mouth wonderfully.

Viktor looked back down and stroked through Jayce’s hair. He felt powerful like this. A man like Jayce on his knees in front of man like Viktor. Jayce; the perfect picture of all-American masculinity. A modern Gary Cooper. Viktor chuckled to himself. No, more like Cary Grant.

But Cary Grant would never have debased himself for someone like Viktor. Wrecked. Frail. Broken leg. Broken spine, soon enough. Broken lungs, most likely. Pale. Weak. Who could love him, really?

I fell in love with you the moment I met you.

Liar.

Viktor tugged at Jayce’s hair.

Is this what you want? To be dragged down to my level? Because I’ll gladly do it. But you’re already well on your way there. On your knees, cock in your mouth, in a dirty stall, in a gay bar.

Broken, like me.

What would you resort to without me? Cruising? Cottaging? Gloryholes? Open mouth waiting to be used by disgusting strangers. Back-alley fucks that are too rough, with only spit, tearing into you, bruising and quick. Arrested for gross indecency.

No, you’re lucky that you have me.

What were to happen if I fucked into your pretty mouth? If I were to hold your head still? If I were to come into your mouth, down your throat without warning? If I moved forward, pressing you against the wall so you’re pinned down, unable to resist while I thrust into that talented mouth of yours? Would you say no or would your constant need to please override your limits?

Viktor looked down at Jayce. Jayce stared up at him, eyelashes fluttering, full of adoration, full of love.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

“Jayce, Jayce, stop.”

Jayce sat back and Viktor quickly tucked himself back into his underwear. His hands were trembling.

What the fuck was wrong with him.

Oh God. He swallowed hard and felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes.

Jayce stood up. “Viktor, are you okay? What happened?”

I don’t deserve you.

“Nothing.”

“Please, I’m not dumb.”

Viktor ran an unsteady hand through his own hair. “I’ve just had too much drink.”

“Okay. Let’s go home.”

Home?

“You don’t have to. You can stay here with Cait and Vi. And maybe you should sleep in your own bed, for once?”

Jayce looked taken aback. “My own – Do you want that?”

No. No. Not at all. I love you.

“Ah. Hm. Maybe it’s for the better. I am leaving tomorrow, after all.”

“Exactly. I want to stay with you.”

Viktor shook his head. His breathing came in hard and laboured.

I don’t deserve you.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

“Please, Viktor, let me come with you. I’m sorry if I was too pushy. I shouldn’t have done this. Clearly –”

Viktor laughed disbelievingly and put a hand up to Jayce’s lips. “Please stop. This is not your fault. Not at all. You are wonderful. And kind and brilliant. Okay?”

Viktor wanted to apologise. So much. But then he’d have to explain why and he would never ever say those things out loud. So, he apologised in his head instead; God, I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I don’t know why… I don’t know how I could ever think those things. I would never hurt you. Please forgive me. I am so sorry.

Jayce smiled behind the fingers pressed against his mouth. He nodded. He grabbed Viktor’s wrist; fingers carefully wrapping around and removed the hand.

“Can I kiss you?”

I don’t deserve you.

“Yes.”

Jayce leaned in and they kissed slowly. Viktor sighed into the kiss and Jayce gently wrapped his arms around him. He was so warm and big and comforting. He cradled Viktor’s face tenderly and smiled against his lips. Viktor hugged him back, leaning his full body-weight into Jayce and held him tight. Tomorrow he would wake up early and make breakfast and kiss him and hold him and do everything he could to show how much he cared for him.

“Let’s go home?”

“Yeah,” Jayce said with a fond smile, “Let’s.”

I fell in love with you the moment I met you.

Maybe it was true.

Chapter Text

Viktor walked down the street to his mother’s apartment. His duffel bag slung over his shoulders. It was dark out. Late evening. The weather was fucking horrible. He cursed under his breath as his cane slipped on the sleet covered asphalt. So fucking stupid, wasn’t it? These cities in the colder climates always somehow surprised that it gasp snowed? In December? How could we possibly see this coming? Quick, let’s salt the roads when it’s already too late! It wasn’t like this happened every fucking year! Let’s all laugh as the cripple slips and falls in the polluted black snow. How hilarious.

To think, this morning he woke up with his arms wrapped around Jayce. He already missed it.

Viktor tensed his body and had to put weight on his bad leg so he didn’t fall over as the end of his cane slid along the ground. He inhaled and exhaled shakily, frustration and anger nearly boiling his blood. Just a little more and then he was at his mother’s. He gripped his cane so hard his knuckles turned white and he took smaller steps going forward, hoping it would be more secure like that.

Thankfully, his mother’s rental unit actually had an elevator. It was tiny and Viktor was sure that someday the cables would snap, plummeting some poor soul to an untimely death, but he was eternally grateful for it. She lived on the 5^th floor. No way was he going to use the stairs. Especially after that awful walk, that awful 20-minute train ride from the central station to here, and that awful awful awful nine-hour bus ride from New York to Toronto. He’d much rather die in an elevator than take the stairs.

Even though he had a key, he knocked on the door.

“Viktor, my sweet!” Her Czech sounded like music to his ears. She pulled him in for a hug immediately. He could feel her bones through the clothes. “I am so happy to finally see you again!”

“Hi, mum.” He smiled at her but when he took her in, he could hardly breathe. He knew she had gotten more poorly but seeing it was… worse. Her eyes sunken in, dark purple circles underneath them, her cheeks hollow, her skin ashen. Even her once thick auburn hair was thin and brittle. And she was so skinny. She always had been but now it was truly sickly looking.

He had taken more after his mum than his dad. Looking at photos of her when she was younger it was undeniable. Their family always joked that she had simply cloned herself and added some masculine traits to make sure people knew Viktor was a boy.

“Come in, darling. Have you eaten? You must be hungry!”

“Ah, yes, thank you. I had a sandwich in the beginning of the bus ride but nothing since then.” He was always afraid he’d wake up one day and forget how to speak his mother tongue. It was a silly concern, he knew, but he clung to his roots as much as he could. It was a nice reprieve when he could speak it with her.

He took off his coat and shoes and put his bag down. He followed her into the tiny kitchen and sat down at the small table that was pushed up against the wall. Two chairs on either side of it. He sighed as he sat down and stretched his leg, massaging small circles above his knee and up to his hip.

“How was the trip?”

“Fine. Long. Very long.”

“Thank you for taking your time to come see me.”

“Of course, mum.”

She fussed about at the counter in front him. “I have some leftover potato soup,” she pointed at the pot on the stove and turned it on, “It just needs a few minutes to reheat.”

She turned towards him and smiled fondly. She ran a hand through his hair. “You look well, darling.”

“Thanks.” He smiled back up at her.

She retreated and let out several wet coughs, her small frail body contracting with each one. She grabbed a glass of water and took a sip. “Apologies.”

Viktor’s mouth twitched. He couldn’t help but wonder how long she had left. A year, perhaps. A swell of emotions stirred within him. Anger. Sadness. Frustration. Defiance.

“Oh, Viktor, it’s okay.” She wiped away the single tear that he hadn’t noticed rolling down his cheek.

He turned his face away from her and rubbed at his cheeks. He couldn’t stand the pity in her voice and so evident on her face.

She turned back to the pot and stirred. “Anezka helped me with the groceries so that I have for the week. She’s so helpful. She also looks forward to seeing you tomorrow. We have to be there a little earlier than usual. She asked for help to prepare the dinner. Her son – you remember Martin, yes? – will be there with his wife. They’re nice but a little boring. Work some awfully plain jobs. They can’t hold a candle to your incomparable mind, darling. And they have a baby now! Such a cute little angel.”

Viktor nodded.

His mum ladled some of the soup and put the bowl and a spoon in front of him. She sat down opposite him. She took out a packet of cigarettes and put one in her mouth. She lit it and offered one to Viktor. He declined.

“Anezka would have loved for them to give him a proper Czech name but Martin married a full-blooded Canadian, so guess what they named their child? Brandon.” She scoffed. “Brandon! That’s no name for a kid!”

Viktor chuckled. “Well, Ryan is born and bred Canadian as well, so I don’t think Anezka has a right to complain since she also married one.”

His mum gave him an amused smile. “I guess. But don’t you ever call your kids things like Brandon. So horrifically North American.” She coughed. “How’s the soup, darling?”

“It’s good, thank you.”

She took a handkerchief out of her pocket and coughed into it. Viktor winced as he saw the dark brown dots on it. Old, dried blood getting mixed with new crimson red as she put it over her mouth. He swallowed hard and looked around the kitchen. The walls were lined with framed photographs. Of him as a kid. Of his parents together. Of his father. His parent’s love for each other had always awed him. They never stopped being affectionate towards each other. As a teenager he was grossed out. Do you really need to kiss in front of me all the time? Oh my God, stop it. It put a smile on his lips. He never thought he could attain such a love for himself. His leg, the possibility of illness, and well, his sexuality. He just assumed. But now… warmth flooded through him at the memories.

I fell in the love with you the moment I met you.

Maybe it was possible.

“I am seeing someone.”

“Oh my! I’m so happy for you! What’s her name?”

Viktor scowled. “His name, mother. You know this.”

“Oh…yes. You are still sure about that?”

Viktor’s mouth fell open. They had been over this. She was reluctant in accepting it. Yes, she had hugged him when he first told her, but only after ignoring him for a full day. And then it was like she forgot each time they saw each other. She was never cruel. But she always just seemed to magically forget. He opened his mouth to speak  –

“What about that sweet friend you made at Piltover? Her name was Sky, right? Oh, she sounded so lovely when you spoke of her. And then you showed me that photo! She’s beautiful, Viktor. If you don’t, someone will surely come and take her away from right under your nose!”

“Mother.”

“Oh, the two of you would make such a great couple, I’m sure of it. Attractive as well. Imagine the grandkids –“

He slammed his palm into the table. She gasped. “His name is Jayce.” He sighed and leaned back in the chair. “Not that you fucking care.”

“Darling, I’m just looking out for you. I’m sorry if you feel upset. And Sky sounded so clever as well, just like you. Your life is already so difficult and it’s hard being… what you are. Your life would be so much easier –“

“Do we need to have this discussion every time I’m here?”

“What discussion? The world is an unforgiving place. As your parent, it’s my duty to protect you, darling. Really, you were born yesterday and now you expect to know everything. But I suppose that’s what happens when you move to a place like New York. Leaving me all alone here.”

“Leaving y-? You wanted me to go!”

“I just assumed you would visit me more often. But I guess it’s difficult to find time for me with your busy lifestyle. Even after everything I’ve done for you.”

Viktor’s throat closed. His chest tightened. Maybe he should have… maybe he should have visited her more.

“Mum…”

“Oh, don’t be so sensitive. I’m not angry with you.”

He frowned. His head was spinning. Guilt gnawed at his insides. And something new as well. Anger? Yes, anger. He stood up and went out into the hallway.

“Where are you going?”

“Out. Good night, mother. Don’t bother waiting up.”

Viktor didn’t wander very far. He was pissed, but fuck, he was also absolutely exhausted after his journey.

In the end, none of it mattered, did it? Whether she accepted him or not? Even if she wanted to, she’d probably never get to meet Jayce anyways seeing how she was most likely dead in a year. He flinched. He shouldn’t think these things.

His mind wandered back to Jayce. Viktor knew he was in love with him. Jayce had said he felt the same. Why was it so hard for him to wrap his head around? He should talk to him. And say what? Oh Jayce, you say you like me but something in me keeps telling me that you actually don’t. That I don’t deserve you. That I never will. Now wasn’t that wonderfully pathetic?

He walked into the small pub around the corner. The cigarette smoke hit him like a wall. A few patrons sitting in the fog of it all. A group of girls. Some sad lonely men starring down the bottom of their glasses. How delightful that Viktor would join them at the ripe old age of 26.

He walked up to the bar and ordered a pilsner as he sat down. He leaned his cane against the counter and took off his jacket. As the bartender filled the glass his stomach churned at the sight. He should have just ordered something non-alcoholic. The glass was put in front of him and he paid. He sighed as he took a sip. God, how pathetic. Sitting here alone, the day before Christmas Eve, wallowing in self-pity. Just like all the other sad lonely men in the establishment. Though they were probably all divorced, their wives having left them long ago. Otherwise, why would they be here?

He occupied his mind imagining different scenarios for the men. This one at the other end of the counter, yes, he probably cheated on his wife with the nanny. No, no. With his colleague. He didn’t look rich enough for a nanny. Unless of course, the wife took everything in the settlement. And he allowed her to, as penance for his sin. Or maybe he fought tooth and nail to make sure he left her penniless. And now, his kids hated him. Which is why he was here, alone, the day before Christmas Eve.

“Hi.”

Viktor startled.

“Oh sorry.”  A woman had come up next to him. She had such wonderful tan skin, dark hair and beautiful hazel eyes. Viktor scoffed. How ironic. She rolled her shoulders back as she gave him a sly smile and weaved her hand through her hair, twirling a strand with her finger.

She leaned in a little closer. “I see your drink is half empty? Maybe I can buy you another?”

Viktor leaned closer as well and cocked his head to the side, mimicking her flirtation. “Not unless you have boyfriend I can bend over and claim for myself. Unless you’d like to watch?” He didn’t fucking care tonight.

Her eyes widened. Viktor half expected her to slap him. Instead, she laughed. She almost sounded… relieved.

“Oh, God, sorry.” She bit at her lip in contemplation. “Bit of a rude way to say it, don’t you think?”

Viktor narrowed his eyes.

“Look, I am perpetually single. My friends over there are nagging me to get laid.” She pointed to the group of girls behind them. As Viktor looked, they all snickered, put their hands up to their mouths and looked away. How very subtle. “And well, you’re pretty handsome. So, they made me get over here.” She gave him an awkward laugh. “Will you just humour me for a minute so I can get them off my back?”

He simply raised his eyebrows. She grinned at him. Fucking hazel eyes. “Fine. I’m Viktor.”

“Christina.”

As they shook hands, the group squealed behind them.

“Your friends are very obvious.”

“Yes, they not exactly the best wing women,” she laughed. “Do you live here?”

“No. New York.”

“That must be pretty cool. I’ve never been. Not yet.”

“I’d say it’s overrated.” He took a big sip. “What about you?”

“Yep. Born and raised.” She smiled and looked over to her friends. “Could you, like, write a number down for me?” She took a napkin and fished a pen out of her small purse. “It obviously doesn’t have to be your real number. Just, like, a token of victory to show them.”

“You just have a pen in your handbag?”

“I like to draw. You never know when inspiration might hit you! You know, if I was actually going to flirt with you, I might have offered to draw a quick portrait.”

How ironic.

“Fine.” Viktor wrote down a number. “It’s not mine.”

“Well, whose is it?”

“The phone number for the administration for The School of Sciences Institute at Piltover Academy.”

“How sexy.”

“Very.” He gave her the pen back and the napkin.

“Thank you, Viktor. Merry Christmas.”

She turned around and waved the napkin to her friends. They all giggled and whoo’ed.

He shook his head as he downed the last of his beer.

“Lena! And Viktor! My God, how long has it been?” Anezka embraced them both as they stepped into her small townhouse. “Viktor, you have to tell us everything about New York!”

They walked into the living room and it was… well. Homey. The Christmas tree stood tall with string lights, glass baubles and ornaments in different shades of red and gold, silver and gold tinsel hanging from its branches. The room was engulfed in a warm, welcoming light, two brown couches and an armchair with a small table in the middle. The atmosphere reminded him so of home.

“Are you okay, my sweet?” His mother squeezed his arm. He rolled his eyes and retracted his arm from her grasp and he heard her gasp. They had barely talked. Small talk, at most. About articles in the paper and about the weather. Avoiding the subject matter which hung over them.

“Lena, please sit. No need to exert yourself. Ryan is outside smoking but he’ll be back in a minute to keep you company.”

“I think I’ll join him, then,” his mother said.

“Of course. And Viktor, I could use an extra set of hands in the kitchen.” She waved him along. He was fine with leaving his mother.

“I can’t believe your mother’s still smoking.”

Viktor let out a dry chuckle. “I think she doesn’t see the point in stopping anymore.”

“Hm. I guess that’s fair.” Anezka turned around and pointed a finger in Viktor’s face, “Don’t you dare pick up that nasty habit. If Lena won’t give you some tough love, I will; Don’t you fucking dare. You might already be more susceptible to lung damage, you hear me?”

“I hear you,” he murmured.

As they entered the kitchen, it was chaos. Steam coming up from pots and pans, the fan over the stove whirring, Christmas music playing over the radio, the baby was crying and Martin and his wife were talking loudly with one another while trying to shush their kid. It clearly wasn’t working.

“Martin! Viktor and Lena are here!”

“Oh, hi! How are you, man? It’s been like, what, four years?” Martin spoke to him in English, presumably out of regards to his wife. “This is Elise. And thiiis…” he took the baby from his wife and cradled it in his arms, “this is Brandon.”

They exchanged pleasantries. The baby was still crying. It gave Viktor a headache. He gave the baby a strained smile.

Martin laughed. “Not big on kids? They grow on ya.” He boop’ed the baby’s nose with his finger. “Just have one of your own, and you’ll have no choice but to love them! Want to hold him?”

Viktor took a step back. “Ah, I’d rather not.” He gestured to his cane, hoping it would suffice as explanation.

Anezka took the baby in her arms and thank fucking God, it finally stopped crying. “I just know Lena would love to have a grandkid of her own. Viktor, how old are you by now? Isn’t it about time?”

“Máma!” Martin warned her. “Viktor’s still young!” He gave Viktor a friendly wink and Viktor responded with an exasperated smile; thank you. What was up with this sudden obsession of grandkids?

Viktor was put to work; cut the vegetables and then stir the fish soup. Elise poured him a generous glass of wine and they talked a little while Anezka fussed over the pork and Martin rocked the baby in his arms. Elise was a high school teacher and Martin had some desk job at a bank. How awfully plain, Viktor thought. Why did he think that? They seemed happy?

They gathered around the dinner table, and Viktor greeted Ryan as well.

It was nice to not just be him and his mother on Christmas. Especially because he was still angry at her. All these years he had let it slide when she “forgot”. Yet he just couldn’t this year. It made him bitter. Her audacity when she knew. She knew. The whole talk made him feel sick. Like he didn’t matter. Not really.

Conversation loosened as more wine was downed and beers were eventually placed on the table as well. With the traditional food in his stomach and the alcohol flowing, warming him from the inside, Viktor felt himself relax and he leaned back in the chair. He stretched his legs, crossing them at the ankles. He wondered if Jayce would like the Czech Christmas food? What did his family eat? Would Viktor like Brazilian Christmas food? He smiled to himself.

Martin nudged him with his elbow and leaned in close. “What are you so happy about? Certainly, the food can’t get you blushing like that,” he whispered in Czech. The other’s continued a heated conversation about Boris Yeltsin and Elise looked positively lost.

“My…” Yes, that was the question. His what? “…partner.”

Nice and ambiguous.  

“Huh. What’s his name?”

“Jayce.”

“That’s a pretty sexy name.”

Viktor laughed and slid a hand through his hair. “He’s a pretty sexy man.”

Martin chuckled. “Cheers to that.”

They clinked their glasses together, and Viktor noticed his mother staring at him across the table as he drank. The brief moment of levity and relief vanished and he had to stop himself from sneering at his own mother.

Martin noticed. “Lena knows?”

“She does. But she doesn’t care. Or. She does care. Just not the way I would like her to.”

“I know it’s not the same, but my mom was very mad that I got with Elise when we first started dating. It’s funny, she wants me to live in, like, perfect Czech piety but I’ve never even been to the country! I was born here! I can speak the language but I can hardly read it. And I’m sure I’ve got a thick accent when I speak it as well. You know what she wanted us to call our son? Radovan. Fucking Radovan. Apparently, it means ‘the joyful one’. But like… come on!”

Viktor snickered into the rim of his glass.

Anezka interrupted their hushed conversation with a clap of her hands. “Let’s clean up and then it’s time for presents!”

They all clamoured as they helped carry the dishes into the kitchen.

“Viktor, you and mother can stay in the living room. You have a pretty good excuse to not help with the cleaning,” Anezka said with a wink.

He didn’t feel like protesting.

He walked into the living room with a full glass of red and sank down into the sofa. He was probably going to have a hangover tomorrow. They all were. Well. Not the baby. Hopefully.

“Darling, how long are you going to ignore me. It’s no way to treat your mum,” she said as she sat down on the other sofa.

He raised his eyebrows at her. “How long are you going to ignore –“ he leaned in closer, resting his elbows on his knees as he stared at her, “that I am gay, mother?”

“Oh, stop it with the ‘mother’,” she grimaced.

Viktor leaned back again and crossed his arms. It was funny really; how good he was at acting like a petulant teenager when he never acted like this back when he actually was one. It came surprisingly easy to him.

“I’ve already told you. I’m only looking out for you. You know that I love you.”

“How wonderfully kind of you, mother.”

“Viktor.”

“No, you are right! I feel very loved right now. Thank you.”

She sighed. “I always assumed your self-induced isolation was because of insecurities due to your leg. Or maybe it was because of your brilliance; loneliness is often the byproduct of a gifted mind, as I so often tell you. But maybe it’s because of… well, your chosen attraction. And that is such a pity, darling.”

Viktor clenched his jaw. His heart started beating faster, he felt his muscles tense and his chest tighten. Years of passive remarks from his mother came bubbling to the surface, spilling over.

“But the other reasons were fine? Is that what you are saying?”

“Of course not –“

“Because I remember you refusing to take me to the hospital as a child. I remember you refusing me to attend birthday parties of my class mates, because, what did you say again? Oh yes; Viktor, your leg won’t allow you to play along. Viktor, you shouldn’t have to be friends with these children, you are far too intelligent. Viktor, they’re beneath you. It’s a wonder that I have somehow managed to have a semblance of normalcy in my life. It’s a wonder that I have made friends. And it’s a wonder that you are unable to see your own role in all of this.”

“Oh please. It’s so fashionable to blame your mother for everything these days. Your generation is incapable of taking responsibility for anything. I’m simply protecting you, darling. I always have. I’ve always feared that no one will love you like I do. No one can understand your wonderful mind like I do. But I suppose I’m such a horrible mother for taking care of my son.”

Viktor took a deep, centring breath. He looked at her. Her look of confusion only angered him more.

He scoffed. “Loneliness is often the byproduct of a gifted mind. Who the fuck says that to kid? I don’t even know how old I was when you first said that to me. But it’s been seared into the back of my mind ever since. Constantly making me doubt any connection in my life – making me doubt if I am worthy of connection. Making me doubt if I deserve to be loved. And now, here you sit, having the gall to say that it’s my leg or my sexuality that’s the reason I’ve been so fucking lonely for so fucking long.”

“Viktor. Watch your tone.”

He stood up. “I think I will join the others in the kitchen.”

“Fine. Leave me alone, as you so often do. I’ll be outside having a smoke, if anyone’s wondering.”

They parted.

The evening went on without much further ado. Martin and Elise were surprisingly funny the more they drank and he and Martin snuck out to share a cigarette on the patio.

Gifts were exchanged. Viktor got a book he already owned (though he didn’t say this) and some socks (a boring but always useful gift). He got to the gift from his mother. The package was surprisingly big. He shot her questioning look and she nodded while giving him a soft smile. He tore at the wrapping to reveal a white cardboard box with Czech writing on it. He opened it and it was six wine glasses in a traditional bowl shape, the glass carved with an intricate oval pattern, with a long, fine stem. Perhaps vintage. Perhaps… a family heirloom. They were beautiful. He returned her smile.

It was the afternoon of the 25^th. Viktor sat on the couch that also worked as his bed, reading his book. He had crumpled the sheets and duvet together and put them underneath the sofa. He heard his mother walk into the bathroom and turn on the shower.

Quickly he walked over to the phone. He knew Jayce’s number by heart.

“Hello?”

“Hello.”

“Viktor! Merry Christmas!”

“Thank you. And to you too. Though technically our Christmas was yesterday evening.”

“How was it?”

“Good, good. I had a little too much to drink. Ate too much food. Got some nice presents. Had some heated discussions about politics. The way it always is. How was your… morning?”

“Yeah, good. It’s just me and mom this year. So, it’s verryyyy chill.” He laughed and Viktor felt a calm flush over him. “I’m really glad you called.”

“Of course. I can’t wait to be home again. To see you.”

“Yeah, me too. Just two more days. I feel like I’m literally counting the seconds.”

“That eager, are you?”

“Of course. It’s you. Don’t pretend like you’re above it. You miss me.”

“We may have developed an unhealthy amount of dependency. Considering we do everything together. We can’t even bear to be five days apart.”

“Who’s to say when something becomes unhealthy? I think it’s just the perfect amount of dependency.”

Viktor chuckled. “I miss you too. Toronto is always so fucking drab when I’m here. How does it always manage to be grey and rainy? I’m sleeping on the couch, too, and my back is killing me. I miss my bed,” he lowered his voice to a whisper, “and I miss you in it.”

He could practically hear Jayce smiling. “We’ll have to make up for lost time, then. Also, why did you say five days? You’re coming home on the 27^th?”

“Yes, yes, but very late.”

“Oh right.”

There was a brief pause.

 “I was actually thinking… where are you celebrating New Year’s?”

“With Sky, her boyfriend and some of their friends.”

“You think they have room for one more?”

Viktor smiled.

“If you want me there, of course.”

“I do. I’ll ask. I’m sure it’s no problem. But I thought you were celebrating with Mel and her friends?”

“I, uh, I’d much rather be with you. And  –“ muffled voices “My mom is calling. I have to get back to her. She is baking cookies for a whole damn village; I swear to God. I’ll see you soon.”

“Goodbye, my love.”

Jayce let out a small giggle on the other end of the line. “Bye.”

He put the phone down. He couldn’t help the big smile on his face. He looked up and saw his mother standing in the doorway. How long had she stood there? Her eyebrows furrowed together. Cigarette in hand. Her eyes darting around his face. She sighed before turning around into the hallway.

His smile faltered.

Viktor was leaving tomorrow. He had wanted to go out and find something – just a small little present – for Jayce. He had scoured some stores and found nothing. By chance had he stumbled into a small bookshop. It had been so charming. Lots of vintage books. As Viktor stepped in, he almost felt the shelves singing to him, urging him closer. He knew he’d find something here. And he had. The Story of Art by E. H. Gombrich. Although the book was written as an accessible introduction to art history and art styles, and Viktor was sure Jayce knew most of it anyway, it was a seminal book in the field. And this was a first edition from 1950. He had to buy it.

The ice had thawed just a little bit between him and his mother. Viktor had never liked it when his parents were angry with him. He was always quick to placate them – especially his mother – if he felt that they were disappointed or mad. He’d just bury the feeling. Guilt would eat at him for a few days before it dissipated.

But this time he couldn’t bury it. He was angry. For the first time in his life, probably, he was angry. And it lingered. It wasn’t replaced by guilt, not entirely at least.

He sat on the couch again. Reading. They had just eaten dinner.

She came into the living room.

“Darling, come into the kitchen with me.”

“Why should I?”

“Viktor. I am your mother. Do as I tell you.”

“I will gladly remind you that I am, in fact, an adult, and have been so for several years.”

“Then maybe act like one. Come now.”

He was about to roll his eyes but stopped himself from committing another act of childish sulkiness. He didn’t feel like proving her right.

He followed her and sat down at the small table. She scoured the cabinets and dug out a bottle of Slivovice – plum brandy – as well as two shot glasses.

Viktor laughed as he took the bottle in his hands. “Now where have you been hiding this?”

“It’s for special occasions.”

“Oh? And today is one of those?”

She took the bottle back and poured the clear liquid into the two small glasses. “Cheers.”

They drank.

Viktor bared his teeth as he felt the hard liquor glide down his throat. 

“Who did you talk to on the phone yesterday?” she asked.

“I think you know.”

“You looked very… happy.”

“I am.”

She sighed. She poured another round. “Cheers.”

They drank.

She coughed. Her whole body shaking.

“I am sorry, my sweet. I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand. You are so brilliant; I would hate to see it go to waste.”

Viktor didn’t respond. He fiddled with the glass between his fingers.

“I’m happy that you’re happy.”

“Thanks.”

She sighed again. “I’m sick, Viktor. I don’t know how long I have left but I can feel my body giving up. I just want to know that when I leave that you are… well, happy. I’ve always thought you just made it more difficult for yourself because of your leg and being a homosexual. It’s just hard. I’m really only looking out for you. Even if you don’t think I am. Nothing competes with a mother’s love.”

She looked into his eyes. “Do not waste your life away. Go see a doctor. Put your mind at ease. Maybe you’ll get sick, maybe you never will. There is only way to find out. And even if you do end up sick, you can treat it. Don’t be like me. You have so much to fight for.”

And you didn’t?, Viktor wanted to ask. Instead, he felt a deep pit in his stomach. He looked down at the table.

She poured another round. “Go see a fucking doctor. Cheers.”

They drank.

She coughed.

Chapter Text

Viktor flicked the light switch on to his living room. Immediately he noticed that it was not how he left it. Papers were scattered on his table, mugs and plates were in his sink and the cushions on the couch had a very clear dent in them from someone sitting in them.

Carefully he placed the box with the wine glasses on his dinner table before slumping his duffel bag on the floor and taking off his coat and shoes.

He walked over to his bedroom and slowly opened the door. The stream of light hit the body sprawled out on his bed.

Jayce.

Viktor smiled. Love, relief and affection flooded through him.

Jayce was lying on his stomach, arms resting up underneath his pillow, the duvet covering only his lower body, one leg sticking out at an angle. He did always run hot.

Viktor turned off the light in the other room and the apartment was shrouded in darkness, the only light streaming in through the windows from the streetlights. It took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust. He took off his disgusting travel clothes and his brace and crawled on top of Jayce.

Jayce stirred as the bed dipped beneath him. Viktor kissed his back as he went over him and finally laid down on top him.

“Viktor?” Jayce mumbled groggily.

“Go back to sleep.” Viktor kissed the nape of his neck.

“What time is it?”

“Sometime after 2 AM.”

Jayce sighed contentedly and wrapped one of his hands around Viktor’s, squeezing it lovingly. He took it up to his mouth and kissed Viktor’s hand. “Let me turn around.”

Viktor lifted himself up on his hands and Jayce turned to lie on his back.

“Come here.” Jayce draped his arms over Viktor and Viktor laid down on him, his cheek resting against Jayce’s chest. Jayce lazily trailed his fingers over Viktor’s back and kissed the top of his head.

“How was your trip?”

“Good. I’m exhausted. I hate taking the bus.”

“It is a pretty long journey. Why not take the plane?”

“Too expensive.”

“Right. How’s your mom?”

“Fine.”

Jayce’s hand moved up and down Viktor’s back. The tension he had carried the last few days slowly eased.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

“Hmm. Imagine my surprise when I come home and see that someone has been living in my home while I was gone. And then I find Goldilocks sleeping in my bed as well, taking up the whole frame.”

“Sorry… My place just felt so big and empty.”

“You are always welcome here.” Viktor placed his chin on Jayce’s chest and threaded his fingers through his hair. “I mean that.”

“Thanks.” Jayce gave him the most wonderful and warm smile. Viktor leaned up and kissed him.  He broke the kiss and looked into those beautiful hazel eyes. He couldn’t really see their colour in the dark but it didn’t matter. Jayce snaked a hand up and placed it at the back of Viktor’s neck pulling him back in for a kiss. He opened his mouth allowing their tongues to meet. God, he had missed him. Jayce moaned into him and wrapped a leg around Viktor’s. Seems like he was missed as well. Viktor grinded into Jayce and Jayce’s hand in his hair tugged eagerly at the thick locks.

The rush of adrenaline was suddenly replaced by a rush of dread.

Go see a fucking doctor.

What better time for a confession than in the middle of the night, cloaked by shadows.

Viktor backed away a little. “I should tell you something.”

He sat up on the back of his calves and winced as his knee and hip pinched.

Jayce raised his eyebrows. “Oh?”

“I’ve told you about my mother’s illness… What I haven’t told you, is that it’s genetic –“

“Viktor –“

“Please, let me finish.” He cleared his throat. “She has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. It’s a longwinded way of saying that she has respiratory problems and limitations to her airflow. Basically, she can’t breathe properly. My mother chose to ignore her symptoms for way too long. Because of this she’s… she’s coughing up blood, she can hardly walk without being completely out of breath and she developed pulmonary heart disease as well. Her lungs are, well, they are completely fucked. Scarred. She’s dying.”

He looked at Jayce who stared at him with a worried expression. Eyebrows knit together, mouth pulled down in a deep frown, eyes… eyes that looked so sad. Just like Viktor had feared. He continued;

“I might have a genetic susceptibility or I might not. It’s incurable but it is preventable and treatable. It’s also dependant on environmental factors. I’ve told you about where I grew up? The industrial smog? Yes, air pollution is a big factor and, eh, smoking.”

Jayce’s eyes widened in horror. “I have offered you a cigarette!”

“I could have said no. And I assure you, it was neither my first nor my last.”

“That doesn’t make it better at all! Like, at all! Viktor, what the fuck!?”

He frowned at Jayce.

Jayce sat up as well and coaxed Viktor to sit so his legs were stretched on either side of Jayce’s body. “I’m sorry. I’m not angry… I’m just… worried.”

Viktor placed a hand on Jayce’s chest; thumb tracing soothing circles. “I know. Me too. But I am going to make an appointment with a doctor as soon as I can in the new year.”

Jayce nodded and scooted closer. “I’m glad to hear that.” He placed his own legs at Viktor’s sides as well and wrapped them around him, forcing Viktor closer.

“I’ll pester you about this, you know? I’ll drag you to a doctor, if I have to. And I never want to see you smoke ever again.”

“I know.”

Jayce grabbed Viktor’s face with both hands. “I’m being so fucking serious right now.”

“I know.”

Jayce sighed and ran a hand through his own hair. A moment passed. Neither of them said anything. Just careful touches, sitting close to each other. Jayce had that thousand-yard stare again. Viktor put a hand on his cheek and it seemed to get Jayce out of his head.

“We’ll be okay. I will be okay. I have you to make sure of that, don’t I?” Viktor said teasingly.

Jayce nodded. “Please tell me you don’t have any plans tomorrow?”

“Fuck, no. I’m staying in bed all day. With you.”

“Yes please.” Jayce traced his hands up and down Viktor’s back, caressing him.

Jayce cleared his throat. “I guess I should tell you something, too… I told my mom about you.”

Viktor shot him a questioning look. Oh no. “You did?”

“She wants to meet you.”

“Just like that?”

“What do you mean?”

“You did tell her that we’re… together?”

Jayce laughed. “Yes, Viktor.”

He was confused. He scanned Jayce’s face. Huh. “And she wants to meet me?”

“Yes, Viktor.” He laughed again before looking away. His mouth twitched. “I did tell her that you were my boyfriend.” He turned his eyes back at Viktor. “I know we haven’t exactly defined anything yet but –“

Viktor’s heart fluttered in his chest. Do not mess this up. 

“Well, you are, aren’t you?” he said with a glint in his eyes.

“Really?” The elation in Jayce’s voice made Viktor snicker.

In one swift movement, Jayce turned them around so Viktor was pinned underneath him. He nuzzled into Viktor’s neck and rubbed his nose up along it until he reached Viktor’s hair and took a deep inhale. He trailed his hand down Viktor’s body and gripped at his thigh, while kissing and licking at Viktor’s throat and grinding into him. Viktor threw his head back.

“Hmm. You almost make me believe my smell turns you into some kind of wild animal.”

“That’s because it fucking does.” Jayce let out an exaggerated growl as he jumped up on his hands and knees above Viktor. The mattress creaked underneath them and they laughed.

“And what shall I do with this desolate beast in my bed?”

“Anything you want.”

“Hm, is that so?” Viktor raised a hand up to Jayce’s heaving chest above him and dug a finger into his skin. He trailed it down Jayce’s upper body, his nail scratching ever so slightly. Jayce let out a soft ah as he held Viktor’s gaze, eyes filled with desire.

“Maybe I ought to tame it.”

Jayce put his head down on Viktor’s chest and bit him. “Maybe you should.”

Viktor extricated himself from under Jayce and stood up by the bed. He turned on his small lamp on the nightstand and gazed at the man in front of him. Jayce was sitting on the edge of the bed and was staring at him expectantly.

“Take those off.” Viktor pointed to his underwear. Jayce did as he was told and sat back on the bed.

“Whatever shall I do with you…” Viktor stood before him. He grabbed a fistful of Jayce’s hair and guided his head up gently so their eyes met. He arched an eyebrow as in what do you want?

“Yes, please. That,” Jayce said breathlessly.

“Very well. Get on your hands and knees again.”

Viktor watched as Jayce scrambled to take the position. He took off his own boxers and found the lube and placed the bottle on the bed as he got up behind Jayce.

He trailed his fingers up Jayce’s back, kneading his muscles as he leaned forward and kissed his lower back. Jayce shivered underneath him.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. I’m just, heh, excited.” Jayce rested his head on the headboard and huffed.

Viktor snaked a hand under him and stroked his hard length. He smirked. “I can tell.” He released him again, ignoring the pleading whimpers.

Viktor coated his fingers and massaged Jayce open slowly. He placed his other hand by Jayce’s shoulder, gripping him firmly. Jayce moaned at the intrusion and backed up to meet Viktor’s fingers. He took his time and Viktor felt the heat stirring within him, twisting and rousing at the sight and sound of Jayce around his fingers. He leaned forward again and licked and kissed and bit at the soft, salty skin of Jayce’s back.

“I’m ready,” Jayce panted after a while.

Viktor released his fingers and eased himself slowly into Jayce. They both let out breathy moans at the feeling. Jayce placed his hands on the headboard, moving himself to a slightly more upright position. He sucked in a breath as it allowed Viktor to enter him deeper.

Viktor placed his hands on Jayce’s hips and his forehead between Jayce’s shoulder blades. The bedroom filled with their heavy breathing as they sat still. Slowly, Jayce started rocking back and forth. My God. Viktor let out a throaty groan as Jayce moved in front of him. Viktor leaned back to watch him work. Fuck, he was utterly captivating. His ass. His beautiful, muscular back. Viktor could easily trace each and every muscle. Especially now, his body tense and chasing pleasure. Viktor felt delirious. He had barely slept and now this? Viktor moaned as Jayce continued to move. He had to fight not to close his eyes as pleasure swept through him; there was no way he wasn’t going to watch Jayce ride him like this. He watched with lustful fascination as Jayce moved back and forth, moaning and panting in front of him.

He could have easily let Jayce take the reins but clarity swept over him and he managed to move his hand from Jayce’s shoulder to his hair. He pulled Jayce’s head back and Jayce gasped in surprise as he looked back at Viktor.

“I thought you were looking to be tamed?” Viktor managed to say.

Jayce chuckled and Viktor smiled. Was it a little silly? Yes. Was it incredibly hot? Also, yes.

“Sorry. I’ll be good.”

“I know you will.”

He released his grip on Jayce’s hair and placed an arm on Jayce’s back, gripping his neck, the other on his hip. Viktor moved his hips back and forth, slowly at first. He rolled his hips and marvelled at how with each thrust Jayce’s form quivered in front of him.

“More, Viktor… please, harder.”

Viktor eyelids fluttered at the request. Who were he to deny it? Viktor rutted into him and Jayce moaned loudly. It was delicious. He did the same movement again, and was rewarded with that lovely sound again. Fuck. He picked up the pace and groaned as Jayce tightened around him.

Viktor fell forward and buried his face in the crook of Jayce’s neck. Jayce took one of his hands from the headboard and moved it behind him, gripping at Viktor’s thigh, encouraging him more more more.

“You missed me that much?” Viktor panted against Jayce’s skin.

“Yes. Just – ah –“ A subtle shift in movement punched the air out of Jayce’s lungs. “Yes, right there.”

With one hand gripping tightly at Jayce’s hips, Viktor took his other up to Jayce’s mouth and grazed his thumb at Jayce’s lips. He could feel Jayce… smiling. God, it was so fucking hot. Jayce parted his lips obediently and Viktor traced the curve of his lips with his thumb, delighted by the moan it elicited from Jayce.

“Touch yourself.”

The hand on Viktor’s thigh moved away and Viktor tilted his head to watch Jayce stroking himself. What a sight.

“Come for me. Show me how much you missed me.”

Jayce whined at the demand and gripped himself tighter and faster. He dropped his head and writhed in front of Viktor. Viktor wrapped an arm around Jayce’s chest, holding him close. Jayce gasped for air and groaned as Viktor’s rhythm increased. Both of them only chasing their releases. Viktor bit into the soft part of Jayce’s shoulder and muffled his own moans.

Jayce’s body tensed and he let out a loud, long, languid moan as he came. Viktor’s mind became completely blank at the sound of it and how Jayce tightened around him. With one last thrust into him, Viktor came so hard he became dizzy. He removed his teeth from Jayce’s shoulder and panted and moaned into the skin as his body buzzed with each last twitch of pleasure that rippled through him. 

Viktor pulled out and threw himself down next to Jayce who was still on his knees, eyes closed, chest moving slowly up and down as he clearly tried to regain himself. Viktor caressed his thigh.

“Come here. Lay down, love.”

Jayce opened his eyes. He was beautifully, sinfully flushed.

He swallowed hard as he looked down at Viktor. “I… I came all over your pillow.”

Viktor laughed as he propped himself up on his elbows and looked at the pillow underneath Jayce. Indeed, he had. Viktor grabbed it and threw it on the ground. A worry for tomorrow.

Jayce slowly lowered himself to lie in Viktor’s arms. They both let out long, shaky sighs of content. Viktor trailed his fingers up and down Jayce’s arm and Jayce traced calming circles with his thumb on Viktor’s heaving chest.

“How’s your leg?”

“Eh. Fine.”

Jayce chuckled. “Good.”

They laid like this for a while. Eventually the afterglow slowly dissipated and Viktor stood up to get some tissues. They cleaned up and laid back down again.

Jayce turned Viktor around to his side – and Viktor was about to protest, being treated a like a ragdoll, how dare you – but then Jayce snuggled up behind him, an arm under Viktor’s head, another around his upper body and a leg hooked around his own. Jayce’s breathing against his neck was relaxing. Hypnotic. He was so incredibly comfortable. With Jayce. His Jayce.

Viktor woke slowly. He looked at the clock next to his bed. 11:36 AM. Jesus Christ. When had he ever slept so long? He couldn’t remember. He stretched an arm out to the other side of the bed only to find it empty. As if on cue, he heard clattering from the living room.

Groggily, he got up and put his brace on. He grabbed a pair of pyjama pants and the first t-shirt he found on the floor. As he lifted it over his head, he realised it was Jayce’s. He stood up in front of his mirror and chuckled at how big it looked on him. He reached for his cane and went into the other room.

Jayce was standing in nothing but his boxer briefs, back turned towards Viktor, drying the glasses from his mother with a kitchen towel. Viktor suppressed a small laugh as he saw the bitemark on Jayce’s upper back by his traps. Maybe he had bitten a little harder than he meant to. But Jayce hadn’t complained either.

“Morning.”

Jayce turned around. “Good morning,” he smiled. “I hope it’s okay that I cleaned these glasses. They’re beautiful.”

“Mhmm. They are from my mum. Have you been awake for long?”

“No, it seems we were both exhausted after last night… Are you wearing my t-shirt?”

Viktor shrugged coyly. “Breakfast?”

Jayce pointed at the pot on the stove. “Oats are slowly cooking. I added some banana and pear.”

“Sounds delicious.” Viktor walked up to the kitchen counter next to Jayce. He moved closer to kiss him. Jayce let out the sweetest noise as their lips met.

“That was quite a homecoming I received last night. Maybe I should leave for a few days more often.”

Jayce turned a beautiful shade of red. “Don’t you dare.”

He slung his arms around Viktor’s waist as he moved to stand behind him and nuzzled his nose into the side of Viktor’s face. Viktor took one of the wine glasses in his hand and sighed. “I’ll have to make room somewhere in my cabinets for these.”

He felt Jayce squeeze him tighter and pull him in closer as he burrowed his face into Viktor’s hair. “Jayce, I still need to breathe,” Viktor laughed.

“I meant what I said last night.”

“I know. And so did I.”

“Why did you never tell me before?”

“It’s not something I like to think about. My mother – as much as I love her – is not an easy woman. She is prideful, stubborn, and thinks she knows everything –“

“Sounds familiar.”

Viktor soured and turned to face Jayce. “I am nothing like her.”

Jayce’s eyebrows shot up as he saw the stern expression on Viktor. “I’m sorry…”

“We have a complicated relationship. And I will not be like her. Not ever.”

Jayce nodded carefully.

“Which is why I will go see a doctor as soon as I can, okay? Don’t worry.”

Viktor removed himself from Jayce’s arms and sat down at the table. He dragged a hand across his face.

“I think I have come to realise that my mother has instilled a deep sense of insecurity in me. An expected loneliness as a consequence of being who I am. It’s not who I want to be.”

Jayce sat down next to him and put his hand on the table, palm facing upwards. An invitation. Viktor placed his hand in Jayce’s.

“She has this way of making me feel guilty. Often I’m left standing wondering what I’m even guilty of. She doesn’t do it purpose, she just… I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry. I had no idea…”

“Don’t apologize. I never told you. I think, I haven’t really allowed myself to have this awareness until now.” 

Viktor looked at Jayce and let his eyes trail over his beautiful face. Viktor was tired of the constant push and pull that was warring in his mind. He wanted this.

“My whole life she has told me that I’m better off alone. And while I know it’s not true, it has still been engraved into my mind since I was little. I’m sorry, Jayce, for the times I’ve pushed you away.”

I love you.

He winced as he remembered his spiralling thoughts in the stall in The Last Drop. How he had hadn’t been able to sleep afterwards and spent the whole night holding tightly onto Jayce who slept soundly in his arms, none the wiser. Thankfully.

“You are sure I can’t just talk to you about my insecurities? You seem to have a pretty good understanding of it all,” Jayce joked with a strained smile.

“You can always talk to me. But I still think you should find to someone who can actually help you.”

“I’m just easily distracted. A little stressed, maybe. I don’t know. I’ve always spaced out, even as a kid. I was always daydreaming, you know? Staring out at the sky. It’s fine, really. I’m fine.”

“Not to sound like an armchair psychologist but that sounds an awful lot like a coping mechanism.”

Jayce sputtered. “You are not being fair.”

“I think I’m being perfectly fair. We both need to take care of our health.”

A moment of silence passed between them.

“… fine.”

“Really?”

“Yes! Fine. I’ll do it.” Jayce huffed. “Look at us; what a match, hm? Riddled with doubts and full of instability.”

“I suppose, that is what makes us human. Our myriads of emotions. It’s inescapable. Inextricably bound to who we are. Without the negatives, how can we feel the positives? It’s two sides of the same coin.”

Their eyes met.

Jayce took his hand up to his lips and kissed Viktor’s knuckles. “So poetic. My boyfriend,” he said teasingly. “My… partner?”

Viktor rolled his eyes fondly and smiled at him. “We’ve been that for a while.”

“Still fits, doesn’t it?”

“Maybe even better now.”

“Yeah.” Jayce bit at his lip. “Can I? Talk to you? Now, I mean.”

Viktor’s eyes widened in surprise. “Of course.”

He could see Jayce chewing on the inside of his cheek as he looked down at the table. Viktor squeezed his hand slightly; a reminder.

“Oh, the oatmeal!” Jayce shot up and turned the stove off, distributing the oatmeal in two bowls and placing them on the table. He was just about to sit down but then;

“Ah, can’t forget coffee, can we?” He started trifling through Viktor’s cabinets.

“Jayce, stop.” Viktor came up and hugged him from behind. Jayce held his breath before he relaxed into the embrace. Viktor turned his head so his cheek was resting on Jayce’s shoulder, holding him tight in his arms. He kissed his naked skin tenderly. Small chaste kisses.

Jayce sighed. “Sorry.”

“No need to apologise. Take your time. Now sit down, and I will make coffee, hm?”

Jayce nodded and turned around so they were facing each other. They kissed. Viktor pet his back in reassurance. Jayce sat down and stirred around in his oats.

Viktor found his French press and the ground coffee beans and turned on the kettle. He took the bowl in his hands and took a spoonful of oatmeal.

“It’s delicious. Thank you for making breakfast.”

Jayce smiled and started eating. Viktor chuckled quietly to himself.

The kettle clicked and Viktor prepared the coffee. He sat back down.

“I feel… I feel distant sometimes.”

Viktor looked at Jayce and tilted his head. He didn’t want to interject.

“You know, I’ve read some pamphlet that they have on campus about mental health and stress and all that. Depression. Anxiety. I feel like none of it describe how I feel. Because I don’t… feel. I feel disconnected. I don’t know how to describe it. Because I don’t know what I feel. It’s like I have difficulty perceiving myself. Sometimes. Not always!” he stared at Viktor with wide eyes before looking down at the table again, “Not always. Like, right now, I know what I feel. But sometimes it’s like my mind slips. And it feels empty but also feels so loud.”

Jayce took a shaky breath and rubbed a hand along the back of his neck. “And then I can’t concentrate. And I can’t hold a conversation. Because I don’t feel present.”

Their eyes met again.

Jayce chuckled nervously. “I’m really sorry for bogging the mood down. And I’m really sorry for showing up unannounced that one evening. That was so… pathetic. I don’t –“

Viktor placed a hand on his back and caressed him. “Do not apologise for that. Do you understand?”

Jayce nodded. “You know… there is something I do to calm my mind.”

“Oh?”

“I draw. But you already knew that,” Jayce smirked as Viktor held his breath in realisation. “I told you there’s a system to my ‘mess’. I notice when a notebook is slightly askew.”

Viktor buried his face in his hands. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. I haven’t shown you because I was afraid you might think I was obsessed with you. I mean, I am but…” he laughed as Viktor peeked through his fingers.

“Well, I am flattered,” Viktor said with a slight grin.

They settled into comfortable silence and ate.

“If there is ever something I can do for you, you tell me, okay?”

Jayce smiled sheepishly. “I think… I’d just like to be held.”

Viktor stood up and went over to sit in Jayce’s lap and wrapped him in his arms, his cheek resting on the top of Jayce’s head. Jayce rested a hand on his thigh, the other on his lower back. Viktor weaved his hands through his hair.

“Are you growing your hair out? Isn’t it getting longer?”

“I thought I’d try something new. Can’t believe you haven’t notice before.”

“I like it.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Jayce laughed. “Considering you’re always ruffling it up.”

They simply gazed at each other for a while. Smiles on their lips. Viktor leaned down and kissed him.

“I have a gift for you.”

Jayce’s eyes widened. “You do? I have something for you, too!”

They both got up to get their respective gifts. Viktor fished the book out of his bag and sat down at the table again. They scooted their chairs closer to each other and Viktor handed him the present.

He placed his palm over his mouth and watched with bared teeth as Jayce opened the wrapping. God, this was just stupid.

“You probably know it all anyway and it’s just a book. I thought it was –“

“It’s wonderful, Viktor, thank you.” Jayce was beaming from ear to ear and kissed him. And kissed him again. And again. Small pecks on his mouth and cheeks. Viktor smiled.

“Your turn.” Jayce put a small-ish box in front him.

Viktor gave him a coy smile before opening it. Inside where two small brass candle holders. One of them had a circular foot, the other a star-shaped one. He turned one of them around in his hand and saw the markings on the underside. Designer. Alexander Girard.

“Jayce, you shouldn’t have. This is too much!”

“I promise you; it isn’t. I feel like I almost stole them for how cheap I bought them.”

Viktor narrowed his eyes. He did know what it was like to find a good deal at a market or second-hand store. “Well, thank you. They’re beautiful.”

Jayce grinned again. “You’re welcome. I think they fit in the apartment really nicely.”

“Oh? You’ve been here a few days without me and already envisioning how to decorate the place?”

“I – that’s not – I mean –“

Viktor laughed. “Thank you for the present, love.”

Jayce blushed.

“What do you want do today?”

“I thought we agreed to stay in bed all day.”

“Hm. Right you are.”

Viktor leaned in and kissed him.

Chapter Text

They were sitting on Viktor’s couch. Viktor’s back leaned against the armrest, his legs on Jayce’s thighs. Jayce was flicking through his new book and Viktor was reading an article in the magazine Dissent.

Jayce broke the silence. “What should I wear to the party later? I should probably head home to pick up some nicer clothes.”

“What do you usually wear?”

“Suits. Black-tie. Mel always goes all out.”

Viktor chuckled. “I can imagine. But I think you might stand out a little if your wear a full-on suit. Certainly black-tie. Usually, it’s dressy. Nice but not fancy.”

“I feel like that doesn’t help me a lot.”

“If you want to wear a suit, go for something more casual. Otherwise, dress pants and a nicer shirt are usually what I go for.”

“Hm,” Jayce caressed Viktor’s thigh. “I can’t wait to see you all dressed up and all mine.”

“Yours?” Viktor smirked.

“Oh, absolutely.”

Viktor kicked his shoulder teasingly. Jayce laughed and grabbed his foot in the air before kissing his ankle. Viktor’s heart surged and he felt a pleasant shiver run through his body.

I love you.

Jayce trailed one hand up and down Viktor’s shins as his attention returned to the book. Viktor took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He tried to calm down.

He swallowed hard and held his newspaper up again. He focused his eyes and flipped the page to the next article.

Comfortable silence settled between them as they continued reading. Jayce got up to make another cup of tea for them and Viktor watched him move around in the kitchen effortlessly. He knew where everything was. Of course he did. He practically lived here.

I love you.

Jayce leaned back against the counter as the kettle worked. He turned his head towards Viktor and smiled. Viktor returned his smile and looked back down to his article. He wasn’t really reading. He could feel Jayce staring and it made him feel hot. Like he was burning.

Jayce came back to the sofa with a mug in each hand and set them on the small table in front of them.

I love you.

“Thanks.” Viktor reached for the cup and took a sip, careful not to burn his tongue. Jayce was still staring.

Viktor put his cup down and handed Jayce the paper; “Read this.”

He took the magazine out of Viktor’s hand and arched an eyebrow at Viktor before settling in to read the article. Viktor watched as Jayce’s eyes trailed along the words on the pages. A slight furrow in brows. Concentrated. Pensive. Thinking. Intelligent. Kind. Beautiful. Brilliant. So brilliant.

“I love you.”

Jayce blinked and looked up. “What?”

Viktor felt his face burn hot. Oh God. Fuck. Too soon. Too much. He shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it. Of course, you do, Viktor, you idiot. Jayce doesn’t feel the same way. Why should he? Look at him. Jesus Christ, look at me. How could he ever feel the same way when I look like this? It’s not fair –

Jayce kissed him.

His mind went quiet.

“I love you, too.”

“What?”

Jayce laughed. “I love you, too.”

His face was close to Viktor’s. When had he moved closer? Viktor looked at him. His eyes. His lips. His cheekbones. His jaw. His hair. His neck. His shoulders. His chest.

Viktor placed a hand on Jayce’s chest. He could feel his heartbeat through the fabric of his shirt. He scrunched the fabric as he grabbed it.

“Kiss me.”

Jayce leaned forward and kissed Viktor. They shifted their bodies so they were lying down, Jayce on top of Viktor. Viktor sighed against Jayce’s lips as they kissed. Oh, it felt so good. To finally say it. To hear it back. He had never thought… never allowed himself to think…

Viktor whined when Jayce broke their kiss. Jayce was hovering just above him. Staring. Gazing. Lingering. He weaved his hand through Viktor’s hair and was so gentle, so soft. He stroked his thumb along Viktor’s cheekbone and jawline.

Viktor’s breath stuttered. He felt tears in the corners of his eyes.

Jayce knit his eyebrows together. “Are you okay?”

They sat up and Viktor wiped the tears away. He cleared his throat. “Yes… yes. I have just had some emotional few days.”

Jayce nodded understandingly. “Anything I can do?”

Viktor placed a hand on Jayce’s cheek. “No. You’re perfect.”

They kissed slowly as they moved closer together again. Viktor felt himself relax.

“I love you,” he said again. “I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

Jayce giggled. “I love you too.”

They fell back on the couch and kissed. Lips pressing against each other, on their cheeks, on their jaws, down along their throats. It was slow and careful. No rush. Just kisses. It was nice.

Jayce laid down on top Viktor, head resting on his chest. He trailed a finger up and down Viktor’s arm, causing Viktor to shiver. It felt nice. Viktor threaded his fingers through Jayce’s hair.

“Didn’t you want me read that article?”

“Oh right. I thought it might interest you.”

“You could read it out loud?”

Viktor smiled and grabbed the paper. “I will.”

Viktor was standing in front of his mirror. He wore black pants with dark grey pinstripes and a dark brown Oxford-shirt. Everything as always, a little too loose. But he liked the more oversized look anyways. He was considering if he should wear a tie as well. But without a blazer it might look a little off. He put on a dark brown leather belt. For a brief moment he thought he looked good. He straightened his shoulders. He did look good.

Jayce came into the bedroom with nothing but a towel wrapped around his hips. He stopped. He eyed Viktor like one might look at a particular delicious meal after a long day without eating.

“Stop it.”

Jayce stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Viktor from behind. He kissed his neck and Viktor tilted his head to the side as he closed his eyes. He sighed contentedly as he felt Jayce place hot kisses on his exposed skin. The arms around him tightened their grip and the towel around Jayce dropped to the ground. He could feel Jayce’s tongue on his neck now. One of Jayce’s hands trailed down to Viktor’s thigh and pressed against it, forcing Viktor to arch his back slightly and press into him. He couldn’t help but let out a small moan as he felt Jayce’s hardening erection press against his back.

He opened his eyes and saw Jayce staring at them through their reflection in the mirror.

“You are so fucking hot.”

Viktor chortled.

“I mean it,” Jayce whispered against his skin. He pressed harder against the thigh and groaned as it made Viktor to grind against him.

“You should get ready. Certainly, before you ruin my clothes.”

Jayce let out a low rumble as he removed his hand from Viktor’s thigh. Viktor gasped slightly at the withdrawal. He was about to take a step forward, away from the man behind him, but Jayce had other plans. His arm around Viktor’s stomach trailed further up, to his chest, holding him flush against himself, while the other hand went for Viktor’s belt.

Viktor threw his head back against Jayce’s shoulder. “Ah, Jayce.”

“Say stop and I’ll stop.”

Viktor bit at his lower lip instead.

He felt Jayce’s fingers working his trousers open and finally they fell down; his slight frame unable to keep any of his wide pants up without a belt. Made it more practical in situations like these, he supposed.

Jayce took him in hand and Viktor closed his eyes as the touch seared through him. Jayce panted into his ear – low and needy – as he moved his hand up and down Viktor’s cock. Jayce was holding him upright with the arm wrapped around him. Viktor’s own hands had been uselessly clamouring at Jayce’s arms and sides, digging into his naked, warm skin.

Viktor moaned as he felt Jayce rut into his back. At least it wasn’t against his clothes anymore; Jayce having had the charity to lift at Viktor’s shirt a little. Jayce’s hand on his chest moved up and up until it rested by Viktor’s collarbones. Viktor could feel the fingers twitching against the fabric of his shirt. And then they moved higher up and settled just at the bottom of his throat. And then they wrapped around carefully. The pause between each step gave Viktor plenty of time to say no, to say stop, but he didn’t. Instead, he leaned forward, pressing against the hand on his throat. Jayce groaned at that and pulled Viktor close again, fingers tightening slightly. The hand around Viktor’s cock moved up and down in a pace that was both incredible and infuriating – not quite fast enough for a release and not quite slow enough to just tease. 

Viktor opened his eyes and looked in the mirror in front them. God. Viktor in front of Jayce. His pale skin against Jayce’s tan skin. The hand around Viktor’s throat. Jayce looked up in that same moment and their eyes met in the reflection. Jayce had never had that look in his eyes before. Adoration. Devotion. Domination. Viktor shuddered.

“God, just fuck me already.”

Jayce groaned. “Bend over.”

He pushed Viktor forward so he was leaning with his hands against the wall. He was so close to the mirror that if he were to look up, he would only see himself. And that would be weird. So, he chose to simply stare at the ground instead. The position would become uncomfortable for his leg soon, Viktor knew, but he’d take it as long it allowed.

Viktor gasped as he felt the intrusion of the first finger. Fuck, how long has been? Too long. He should have asked Jayce to do this long ago. But then again. He really did enjoy taking Jayce on his own cock.

Jayce must have reached around behind them to get the lube from the night stand, or maybe it was spit, Viktor didn’t know, didn’t care, he could only think of one thing right now and fuck, he needed it. Jayce leaned forward and kissed and licked at Viktor’s neck and he could feel him panting against his skin.

“More, Jayce,” he demanded.

And Jayce obliged, pressing another slick finger into him, causing Viktor to arch his back. Jayce groaned behind him and it was such a different sound than the one he usually made. Guttural. Gruff. Rough. They were both mad with lust right now. Needy and desperate. So fucking desperate.

And they both knew they shouldn’t do this right now. There were other things they could do instead that were less messy, needed less preparation and required less recovery. They needed to get going. They needed to be at Sky and Matthew’s soon. And why do it against the wall when the bed was right there? They should –

“Oh fuck, right there, Jayce, you are doing so good,” Viktor huffed as Jayce curled his fingers just right. And again. And again. Seemed like Jayce had learned a little from Viktor. The fingers continued working in and out and Viktor was sure he might explode soon.

“If you don’t fuck me right now, I’ll leave,” Viktor choked out. An empty threat. They both knew.

Jayce let out a breathy laugh behind him. “You are even more demanding like this than you usually are. You think you are in a position to give orders right now?”

He punctuated his statement by another curl of his fingers and Viktor bucked underneath him. Jayce leaned forward, his voice softer; “Are you still okay like this?”

“Yes, yes, get on with it.” Impatient like never before. Clearly, it had been too long.

Jayce removed his fingers and Viktor could hear the tell-tale sound of the bottle being screwed open. So, he did get the lube. Thank God, honestly.   

Viktor walked a few small steps to the side and closer to the wall, he didn’t feel like being up against the mirror anymore, and being closer to the wall lent him more support, as he could place his forearms on it as well, not just the palms of his hands. Jayce stepped up close behind him, breathing down Viktor’s neck, tickling the hairs.

Viktor leaned back against him, arching his back. He felt one of Jayce’s hands grabbing his ass tightly while he entered so slowly, carefully rocking back and forth, going deeper each time, into Viktor. It was an aching pleasure – or perhaps a pleasurable ache? – and it felt fucking amazing. Jayce stilled as his hips met Viktor’s. Skin against skin.

Viktor let out a choked moan. “Yes, fucking finally, Jayce. Kept me waiting long enough.”

“Be quiet.”

“You like telling me what to do? Hm, Jayce?”

“Yes. Now; Be. Quiet.”

Viktor moaned at Jayce’s demand. He had never enjoyed this kind of talk with anyone before.

Jayce’s other hand came up to Viktor’s front and started opening the buttons on his shirt. Viktor helped him along and when the last button finally was freed, Jayce wiggled the shirt down Viktor’s arms. It was a little awkward and they both laughed at it. Jayce sank his teeth into Viktor’s shoulder and licked and kissed the tender spot.

“Jayce, I need you to move. If you don’t fucking mo –“

Jayce stuck three fingers into Viktor’s mouth. Shutting him up effectively. He started moving back and forth causing ripples of pleasure to course through Viktor’s body. Absolutely incredible. Viktor moaned around the fingers in his mouth, threw his head back against Jayce’s shoulder and felt his eyes roll into the back of his head.

“You were saying?”

Viktor could hear him smirk. The bastard. Jayce was enjoying this entirely too much and Viktor knew he had to teach him a lesson or two next time. He bit down on the fingers in response and Jayce chuckled.

Viktor wanted to tell him faster, but the fingers were holding his tongue down. So instead, he moved his own hips hoping Jayce could take the hint. And he did. Jayce thrust into him, picking up the pace. Viktor’s mind went blissfully blank.

Jayce’s other hand came up along Viktor’s back and grabbed a fistful of hair. Viktor whimpered desperately as he yanked at it.

“I’m beginning to think you like this a little more than you are letting on,” Jayce huffed into his ear.

Viktor wanted to shake his head, to protest, absolutely not, this will never occur again, don’t get too used to it.

Instead, he nodded. Yes, please, more, more, harder, faster,…

As if he could read Viktor’s mind, Jayce did exactly that; moving both faster and grabbing his hair tighter, pulling at the roots. Viktor had enough clarity in his mind to reach down and tug at his own cock.

“Fuck, I love you so much. You take me so well. Just look at you…” Jayce was rambling as he thrusted into him, “You feel incredible, I want to fuck you again and again, God, you are mine, aren’t you? Aren’t you?”

A shaky whine released from the back of Viktor’s throat as he nodded furiously. A completely new feeling rushed through his body; to be had in such a way, cherished, seen, understood, loved. And they were so close up against each other, Jayce panting and moaning right next to his ear. 

He felt Jayce stutter and whimper behind him. A betraying sign.

Viktor moved his head to get Jayce’s fingers out of his mouth; “Please, a little longer, love, I need a little longer,” Viktor panted.

Jayce groaned in frustration behind him and kept going. Viktor let out several soft ah’s, chasing his release. He felt so full. Fuck, it was too much, too much, not enough, just right…

At once, Viktor felt himself spill into his own hand with a loud moan, quickly holding his other hand up to it as well, protecting his bedroom wall from staining. Behind him, Jayce put his forehead on the back of Viktor’s head as he came with a full-body shudder.

Viktor collapsed forward against the wall, and almost slid face-first down along it if Jayce hadn’t been there to hold him up. He guided them over to the bed and grabbed some tissues to clean up. Viktor let himself fall down on the bed, legs dangling over the edge, feet on the ground. Jayce laid down next to him.

“That was incredible.”

“Hmm.” Viktor couldn’t say much. His mind was so peacefully empty, it was almost frightening.

Jayce laughed.

“We’ll be late.”

“Hmm.”

“You’re late.”

“Sorry. My apologies. My leg was acting up.”

Sky’s eyebrows shot up and her eyes trailed down to Viktor’s leg. He was wearing the bigger brace over his pants. He had exerted his leg earlier, but fuck, if it hadn’t been worth it. It was a happy coincidence that the brace helped their excuse. Though, he supposed, it was kind of true.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry.” She opened the door fully for them to step in. “Hi, you must be Jayce! So happy to meet you! I’m Sky.”

Jayce gave her his winning smile as they shook hands. They took off their coats and went into the living room. It was Matthew’s apartment; a mix between a goodbye-party before settling into the new flat, and a New Year’s party. “I might as well throw one last really good get-together before I move,” he had said.

They had decorated for New Year’s. Tinsel hanging down the walls, golden confetti on the table and big tacky ballons that said 1996 on them. The sofa was pushed against the wall at one end of the living room, other furniture moved out of the way to accommodate for guests, and the table was set.

“You came just in time for dinner,” Sky said.

Matthew gave her an unamused look and Viktor chuckled.

“We’re 40 minutes late, we know. I am so sorry to keep you waiting, but I do appreciate it. Hello Matthew.” They hugged.

Matthew and Jayce introduced themselves to each other before Matthew presented the other guests around the table. Some friends from uni, his brother Silas, his brother’s boyfriend, and Leona (noticeably without Darius). A small party of 12. It was nice. Apparently, more were joining later.

Jayce pulled out a chair for him, and they sat down next to each other.  He winced and accidentally let out a small involuntary hiss as he sat, and Jayce supressed a laugh next to him. Viktor kicked him under the table and Jayce cleared his throat in response.

Dinner was good. Fun. Alcohol flowed. The food was delicious. People talked over one another. The music got louder. It was chaotic in the best kind of way.

Jayce fit in perfectly.

Viktor loved him so much.

Viktor sat down on the sofa, leg stretched out, cane between his thighs, leaning back with his head resting on the backrest. He had a slight buzz. He looked out into the room for Jayce. He was talking to Matthew. The two got along great, and Viktor had expected as much. He watched Jayce, arms gesturing animatedly, head thrown back as he laughed. Their eyes met. Jayce put a hand up to Matthew’s shoulder, gave it a quick pat, before moving towards Viktor.

He sat down next to him, the couch dipping underneath his weight. He leaned back, sitting in the same position as Viktor. Their knees knocked together before Jayce settled in a way where their bodies were in full contact from shoulder to leg. Viktor turned his head towards him and studied his profile. Not only was Jayce handsome, but he was so pretty as well.

And yet. He had a scar in his right eyebrow. He had a gap between his front teeth. His ears were so big. And they stuck out a little as well.

Viktor let out a small laugh. Jayce whipped his head towards him.

“Hm?”

“Oh, nothing.”

He cupped Jayce’s face with his hand, caressing his cheekbone with his thumb. The room was bustling, people, music, glasses clinking. Jayce smiled at him. He turned his head to kiss the inside of Viktor’s palm.

“Hey lovebirds.” Sky sat down next to Viktor.

He let his hand slide down until it rested in Jayce’s lap.

“You have any New Year’s resolutions?” Sky asked.

“Hm,” Jayce paused and thought it over, “I think maybe I’d like to read more books. For my own enjoyment. Not just the books and papers and journals I have to dredge through for our dissertation.”

“Yeah, I get that. Mine is to sign up for a marathon. Gotta start running first, though.” Sky grinned.

“I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions.”

“What? Come on!” Jayce laughed.

“If I want to do something, I simply do it. And if I don’t, I don’t.”

“Ah, yes, when I think of a person purely driven by id I think of Viktor,” Sky said.

“Yes, always acting on impulse; immediately responding to any and all basic urges, needs and desires. Sounds just like you!” Jayce teased.

“Certainly, you would know about me acting upon my desires.”

Jayce’s cheeks blushed instantly and Sky laughed.

“Also, let’s leave Freud out the door, no? Unless you want to find out where you two fit in his theory of personality.”

“Oh yeah? Tell me,” Jayce said. “But of course, according to him, we are all a mix of all three anyways.”

“Exactly. Which is why I much prefer Jung’s archetypes. If we absolutely must categorize ourselves. And I’m sure Sky is holding back a scathing comment about him anyway.”  

She laughed. “No, no. I do so love his interpretation of female sexuality.”

“Incredible, isn’t it?” Jayce asked. “How he managed to make everything revolve around the dick.” He laughed. “If you’re man you have castration anxiety and if you’re woman you have penis envy. And somewhere along the way you want to fuck your own mother or father. There must have been something in the Austrian water. But I guess that’s what happens when you view masculinity and male virility as the central aspect to human consciousness.”

“We can kind of allow it, given the societal context at the time, but looking at it now,” Viktor made a short, unimpressed whistling sound, “Maleness is the starting point, becomes the standard with which everything is compared.”

“He takes socially constructed ideas of men and women totally for granted. Sex, gender, thank God for existentialism and constructivism. ’One is not born, but rather becomes a woman’. Beautifully poignant. Imagine writing that 1949. 1949! Everything is constructed. Nothing simply is. We assign meaning to things and people. Goes for men as well; what it means to be man.” Jayce’s mouth twitched.

“You’ve read de Beauvoir?” Viktor asked.

“I dated a girl at NYU who studied philosophy and I wanted to impress her.” Jayce laughed. “I learned a thing or two along the way, I guess.”

Sky interrupted their conversation with a laugh. “God, the two of you. Is this how you flirt? Awfully pretentious.”

“We’re just having a conversation,” Viktor said.

She shrugged. “Anyways. Silas is studying psychology. Really, we should be talking to him about this. He has said that while some of Freud’s theory is… questionable, he really did revolutionise the field of psychology. The whole idea of achieving mental and behavioural change through talking was popularized by him.”

“I suppose we can thank him for that.”

Matthew came over to them. “Hey, babe, Leona is… uh… Leona is crying in the bathroom.”

“What happened?” Viktor asked.

“Ugh. Darius broke up with her yesterday. Real winner, that guy,” Sky frowned.

“Ah.”

Sky stood up and turned to face them; “Please continue your very sexy conversation about psychoanalysis.”

She turned and left with Matthew.

“So,” Viktor turned to Jayce, “Did you? Impress that NYU girl?”

Jayce laughed. “I guess. I mean, we dated. For a while. Though I don’t think she really listened much to what I had to say.”

Viktor shot him a questioning glare.

“Let’s just say she was more interested in other things than talking. And you know what the worst part is; I don’t even think she read The Second Sex herself!”

Viktor laughed. He stroked through Jayce’s hair. He wondered how long Jayce wanted it to be. “Her loss,” he said with a shrug.

“Yeah well, I had Cait give me a 101 on feminist theory – no, actually that wasn’t Cait, that was this friend she had who kept tagging along for a while…” Jayce’s eyes widened, “Oh my fucking God, that was totally her girlfriend at the time, wasn’t it? Holy shit, am I stupid?”

“You are many things, love. Stupid is not one of them.”

Jayce gave him a sheepish smile and took Viktor’s hand in his, squeezing it. “Let’s go find something to drink. It’s 10 minutes until midnight.”

They ventured out into the empty kitchen and Viktor leaned against the counter. Jayce rummaged through the fridge.

“Find anything good?”

“I can whip us up a gin and tonic but there’s beer as well.”

“Beer is great.”

Jayce took out two bottles and unscrewed them. He handed one to Viktor and leaned against the counter as well.

Jayce stared out into the kitchen with a furrowed brow.

“Are you okay?” Viktor moved closer next to him and placed his chin on his shoulder, looking up at him.

Jayce shook his head as if to rid himself of his thoughts and took the bottle up to his mouth, drinking.

“Yeah. I was just thinking…”

He stared down at Viktor. He kissed him and Viktor smiled against his lips. Jayce placed his own bottle on the counter and took Viktor’s out of his hands and did the same. He turned to face him, his big warm body in front of Viktor’s and placed the palms of his hands on the sides of Viktor’s face.

“Jayce?”

“Hmm, just let me…” Jayce leaned down and kissed him so tenderly.

Viktor wrapped his arms around him; one hand clutching at his lower back, the other around his shoulder.

He parted his lips and their tongues met. Viktor felt like his skin tingled. Butterflies in his stomach. He sighed happily into the kiss.

Jayce broke the kiss and weaved the fingers of one hand through Viktor’s hair.

“I think I wanna get a tattoo or something.”

“What?!” Viktor laughed, “I – you – what?”

“Okay, maybe not a tattoo. But something.”

“What’s brought this on?” Viktor couldn’t help laughing. He was sure Jayce would look fucking hot with a tattoo but… it just seemed… a little odd.

“Our conversation before. Being a man. I want to do something for me.”

“I see,” Viktor smiled, “yes, perhaps you should get a – what do you call it again – a tramp stamp? That would certainly break gender norms.”

Jayce laughed and bit down on Viktor’s nose playfully.

“Yes, maybe I’ll get your name tattooed on my lower back. Or your face on my ass cheek.”

“Please no, I don’t want to look at myself when we have sex. I’m not that egotistical.”

“No? Okay… what about… an earring?”

Viktor took one of Jayce’s earlobes between his fingers. “I can see that.”

“Would you like it?” Jayce whispered as he leaned down, kissing the side of Viktor’s mouth.

“Do not do it for my sake.”

 “No, I know. But you still have to look at me.” Jayce placed a hand on the back of Viktor’s neck as he pulled him in for deep kiss.

“I think you’d look very sexy,” Viktor muffled against Jayce’s lips.

“Oh yeah?”

Jayce trailed his lips down along Viktor’s jawline –

“Hey, you two, stop smooching and join the rest of us. The countdown’s about to start!” Matthew interrupted.

“Ah, sorry…” Viktor ran a hand through his hair, smoothing down runaway locks from Jayce’s eager hands.

They went back into the living room. The countdown was on the TV. Sky went over to them and quickly pressed a glass of prosecco in their hands.

The clock counted down from 10.

The camera zoomed in on the ball in Times Square.

It dropped. Confetti. Fireworks.

A new year began.

Jayce wrapped his big arms around Viktor and lifted him up. Viktor yelped as his feet were lifted off the ground.

Jayce put him back down.

They kissed.

Jayce placed his forehead on Viktor’s.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Chapter Text

Jayce walked down the academy hallways. He was here much earlier than he usually would be. But he had a meeting with his supervisor Reveck today. He had hardly slept because of it. He couldn’t wait to get started. The look on his mom’s face when he told her he had been accepted into the PhD programme had been everything he ever wanted. He was the first in his family to get a university degree and now he was going to get a doctorate. She had practically jumped into his arms and showered him with praise. How proud she was. How proud everyone would be. How she couldn’t wait to tell the other family members about her Jayce being so smart and clever. The Kirammans had patted his shoulders and told him how they never doubted for a moment he would do great things with his life. Mel had given him a small smile and told him that she herself had actually just gotten a job offer at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace and that she was going out with friends to celebrate. He was welcome to join them, if he wanted to. Jayce had stayed home.

He opened the doors to the lab. Another thing he had looked forward to immensely. The fabled lab, reserved for the best and brightest. Of which Jayce was now considered a part of.

There was already another person here. Hunched over his desk. Thick auburn hair falling down his face, thin long fingers twisting around a single lock. The person looked up and Jayce’s breath hitched. The most beautiful amber eyes stared directly into him. Strong cheekbones, a mole above his lip, another under his eye…

Oh my God, it was Viktor Engels.

Jayce had been to one of his presentations earlier in the year and been utterly captivated. By his intelligence, of course. Afterwards he had gone to the library and found his master thesis. He had read it all in one night. And then several times again after. He had to introduce himself. 

Jayce spent the week peeking glimpses at Viktor. He couldn’t help himself. He was sitting next to… well, a genius. Someone so above him that Viktor was positively floating in the clouds, gracing Jayce with his presence. Maybe he was hoping that some of Viktor’s intelligence would rub off on him. As if he could passively absorb whatever scraps of acumen and brilliance Viktor left behind when he spoke. If he spoke. Which he didn’t do a lot of. So, Jayce had to go to one of Viktor’s lectures. There simply was no other way. He needed to hear whatever Viktor had to say. He listened with bated breath and watched as Viktor’s lips curled around words and sentences, his soft accent drawing Jayce along and unravelling him like a thread being pulled.

When Friday finally came, he had to ask Viktor out for a beer. And to his surprise, Viktor had said yes. And even more surprising, Viktor was funny. Charming. Well, maybe that wasn’t that surprising. He had seen brief glances of it when he watched Viktor interact with other students in the lab. Everyone else but Jayce. But now, it was him who held Viktor’s undivided attention. He noticed the way Viktor’s eyes trailed down his body. The way they darted across his face. The way they lingered. Jayce could feel his heart hammering in his chest. He felt Viktor’s legs brush up against his and he couldn’t help but chase after the feeling.

And when they said their goodbyes, Jayce pulled him in for a hug. Because that’s what you do when you say goodbye. And Jayce simply couldn’t help himself when he took a deep inhale as they hugged, and oh my God, Viktor smelled amazing; notes of bergamot, and sandalwood and something sweeter and floral as well, like mandarin or lemon. Jayce felt heat course through his body, pooling down low in his stomach and… oh no. Quickly he let go of the other man and all but threw himself into the cab waiting for him at the curb. He gave Viktor a quick wave as it drove of and looked down at the small tent building in his trousers. He stared at it. Blinked at it in disbelief. He looked up and caught the taxi driver staring at him through the rearview mirror. Jayce felt his cheeks flush and crossed his legs.

He closed the front door behind him carefully as to not wake Mel. He tiptoed into the bathroom, locked the door, placed his hands on the sink and stared at his own reflection. The world tilted slightly, the bathroom spun. God, he was drunk. He looked down his body and realised to his horror that he was still hard.

Okay, no problem. He opened his buttons and zipper and took himself in hand. He tugged a few times but it felt like nothing. All right, all right. Jayce closed his eyes. He often needed a little help from his imagination. He tried thinking back to the last woman he had been with. What was her name again? Jessica? No… Jennifer. Yes, that was it. It had been a one-night stand. Jayce’s lips twitched into a frown. He did not like one-night stands. Never had. They always felt so superficial, depthless. He had only done it twice and it had been a disappointment twice. Not the sex itself – which had been fine – but the feeling. Or rather, the lack thereof.

Okay, so let’s not think about Jennifer. His last relationship. Yes, Diana. Her long blonde hair, her tits, her amazing ass. She would ride him, simply use him for her own pleasure and Jayce let her. She would wrap her elegant fingers around his throat and, fuck, he loved it when she had done that.

Jayce groaned in frustration. It did nothing to him. He had to be suffering from whiskey dick. He was very drunk, after all. He looked down and no, he absolutely did not. He was still so painfully hard. He tightened his grip and moved faster. He looked back up at himself in the mirror again. For a brief moment he could’ve sworn he saw intense amber eyes staring back at him. Golden resin dripping, dribbling, leaking, spilling down the forest tree and hardening into amber. Jayce tilted his head back and opened his mouth as if expecting the thick, viscous, gleaming liquid to spread across his tongue and slide down his throat. Amber eyes, tousled auburn hair, a jawline that could cut paper, curved lips, slender waist, long thin legs, a beautiful laugh, brilliant mind, bergamot, sandalwood, mandarin –

Jayce moaned perhaps a little too loudly and came all over the sink. Argh, fuck. He stared at the mess in front of him. Had he just jerked off to… no. No, he definitely hadn’t. Absolutely not. Perhaps. Maybe. Oh God, he definitely had.

Viktor woke alone, baked in sweat. Eugh. He groaned groggily in dismay and got up. He hobbled over to the window and opened it; the cold spring breeze sending shivers along his damp skin. It was still early and the streets were mostly quiet.

He took his cane in hand and went out into the kitchen. He turned the kettle on and started working on making coffee. As the water boiled, he picked up yesterday’s newspaper from the table flicking through it for the culture section. Maybe there was a movie or a new exhibition or something…

The door opened with a click.

Jayce entered.

Immediately the room felt warmer and brighter.

“Morning.”

Jayce whipped his head up. “Good morning!”

He strode quickly through the living room up to Viktor and kissed him.

“You’re up early,” Jayce said.

“You were up earlier. Couldn’t sleep?”

Jayce made a protein shake. “No, I tossed and turned the whole night. So, I thought I might as well get my workout in as early as possible.”

He started drinking his concoction and Viktor frowned. “I can’t believe you are able to stomach that.”

Jayce shrugged and laughed as he downed the last of it. “I have to look hot for my partner. He’s very vain.”

“Oh, he sounds horrible.” Viktor wrapped his arms around Jayce and scratched lovingly at his beard.

“You have no idea. He’s a workaholic, he’s a bit snobbish, he’s very opinionated but he’s also very sweet and very very sexy.” Jayce pressed Viktor into the kitchen counter as he peppered kisses along his jaw; a hand on the back of Viktor’s neck.

Viktor laughed and placed his palms on Jayce’s chest, pushing him away. “I am not touching you right now. You have just been spending an hour sweating in the gym.”

Jayce frowned exaggeratedly and turned his chin up and away from Viktor. “Fine, your loss.”

“Yes, and what a terrible one. Coffee?”

Jayce nodded and started preparing breakfast. Greek yoghurt with diced apple, some healthy muesli with raisins and almond butter.

They sat down at the table, coffee mugs in hand, and Viktor started eating his breakfast. He gave Jayce a nod of appreciation. “Thank you, as always, love.”

Jayce started eating as well.

Comfortable silence settled between them and they each read their own section of the newspaper.

“I’m really nervous about today,” Jayce said and broke the quiet.

“Me too. But we’ve been working on this every day. We can do this. Really, it’s almost more of a formality than a proper presentation and evaluation.”

Jayce nodded. “Still. It’s the end of an era. You ever think about that?”

“I do. A lot, recently,” Viktor said with a rueful smile.

They were to present their dissertation today. Time had flown by. Five years passed in the blink of an eye. The best five years in Viktor’s life. Working side by side with Jayce every day. Going home together afterwards. He couldn’t imagine a life after this. But it would happen, of course. And it would work out just fine. And at the end of the day, they would always come home to each other.

They ate breakfast quietly.

“I’m going to take a shower. Wanna join me?” Jayce stood up and washed their bowls before putting them in the small dishwasher.

“Sure.”

They went into the bathroom and Jayce took off his workout clothes and stepped in. Viktor joined him under the warm running water. He closed his eyes and let out a soft hum as the water hit his body. Jayce washed his own hair and tilted his head back under the stream and shook his head, the water spurting everywhere. He laughed with a big grin as Viktor fondly rolled his eyes and let out a tut of annoyance.

Viktor turned around to grab the body shampoo. He felt Jayce’s hand trail down his spine gently. Jayce leaned in, kissing the nape of his neck.

Viktor had had spinal surgery two years ago. Screws and plates drilled into him for stabilisation and correction. It had been long and arduous recovery and they were given an extension for their thesis. Jayce had complained – it was only a six-month extension. He had been furious. On the phone with the administration several times. Viktor had calmed him down, saying it was fine, and that he liked occupying his mind.

And four years ago, he had had knee surgery. Screws and plates drilled into his knee as well. Viktor had a lot metal in his body nowadays. And Jayce had stayed by his side through everything.

He had an annual appointment with his doctor to check on his lungs. So far, everything was good. Not even any warning signs. He was still told to be mindful but considering he was 30 now, and still hadn’t developed any symptoms, the doctor was optimistic. It was an incredible weight lifted from his shoulders. He had gone home after that particular appointment and kissed Jayce senseless. Among other things.

Jayce pressed his thumbs into the soft part of Viktor’s shoulders, massaging slow circles into the muscles. It felt really nice. Jayce kissed the back of his head.

“How are you feeling?” Jayce asked in a gentle voice.

“Fine. Nervous, like you said.”

Jayce pulled him in for tight hug and Viktor leaned back into it.

“We’re gonna crush it.”

Viktor laughed. “Yes… yes, we are going to crush it.”

They stood in the Academy halls. They said nothing. They simply gawked at each other.

Viktor stared into Jayce’s wide, open eyes. In one swift movement, Jayce surged forwards, lifted Viktor in his arms and spun around.

“We fucking did it!” he exclaimed.

Viktor laughed whole-heartedly. “We fucking did it!” he repeated.

He gave him a quick peck on the lips and Jayce laughed.

“I told you we would!”

“That you did,” Viktor said as Jayce put him down again.

“We still have an hour or so before we have to be at my mom’s,” Jayce said as he looked down at his watch.

“We could grab a celebratory drink?”

“Fuck yes.”

They made their way through the halls, together, one last time – most likely, at least. Viktor had gotten a position here, Jayce one at Columbia.

They were giddy like teenagers as they walked outside. It was a lovely spring day in the city. The gentle breeze made Jayce’s hair flow and the sun kissed his skin so wonderfully. How could Viktor not sling his arm around Jayce and pull him down to nuzzle his nose into Jayce’s temple? He was just so invitingly comforting and right there.

They walked through the university park and the trees were a vibrant green and people sat on benches soaking in the sun. The smell of approaching summer was unmistakenly in the air mixed with the typical car exhausts and subway gasses.

They entered the bar. It was the one they had been to the first time they went out together. The one they had been to before they kissed for the first time. They continued coming here whenever opportunity arose; small breakthroughs, long and terrible days in the confines of their lab, anniversaries. And today was definitely the best opportunity.

The Christmas lights were still hanging from the ceiling. Still ghastly and still charming.

Viktor found them a table and Jayce bought two beers. Viktor watched him as he made his way through the bar towards him. Even after five years together he still felt butterflies in his stomach.

Jayce sat down. “Cheers.”

They drank with big smiles on their faces.

“I can’t believe we’ve really done it, Viktor. I, uh,” he exhaled shakily and fiddled with the small hoop earring in his right ear. It was often something he did for comfort, grounding himself. “I feel like I might cry, actually.”

“I won’t judge you if you do. I still feel like my body is in fight-or-flight.” To prove his point, Viktor held out his hand which shook slightly, fingers trembling.

They both laughed and Jayce grabbed his hand, kissing it quickly, before placing their hands on the table, still holding on.

“I know you don’t like when I get all sappy, but I think right now is a pretty appropriate time to be sappy so bear with me,” Jayce looked up into Viktor’s eyes. “These have been the best years of my life. I know I’ve told you before how I was instantly drawn to you. And I mean that, Viktor. You are the best thing that’s happened to me. I’ve never felt so seen as I do with you. When I asked you to combine our projects back then, I was so nervous. But also not really, because I felt deep down, that you would say yes. That you could see it too. The potential. In our research but also in us. Even then.”

Jayce smiled beautifully and continued;

“I’m kinda sad that I don’t get to work by your side every day anymore. But I’m also really excited to see what happens next. And no matter what, I always get to come home to you. Everyday. And there is nothing I want more than that. So, thank you, for believing in me.”

Jayce cleared his throat, rubbed at his eyes and chuckled awkwardly. He fiddled with the earring again and Viktor reached over the table and took it between his thumb and index finger, looking at the small piece of jewellery. He smiled. He had given this one to Jayce as a present years ago. It was a small golden hoop, that just about hugged his earlobe, with a tiny blue gemstone dangling from it. Jayce wore this one pretty much every single day.

“It’s a two-way street; thank you for everything you’ve done for me as well, Jayce. You are incredible.”

Jayce beamed and took a big sip of his beer.

“You know, for a moment there, I thought you might propose to me,” Viktor said teasingly.

Jayce’s eyes widened and he laughed. “When I propose to you it’s not going to be in a university dive bar, I can tell you that much.”

“When?”

“Of course,” Jayce said with a glint in his eyes. “I don’t care if we can’t do it properly. I’ll wear a ring with your name on it, happily, even if it’s just symbolic.”

“And I’ll do the same.”

“Hm. I think you like me being sappy.”

“I’ll make an exception every now and then.”

“Congratulations!” Ximena opened the door and jumped into their arms.

“Thank you, mom.”

She had one arm slung around each of their necks, rocking them back and forth.

“I am so, so, so proud of you.” She pinched Jayce’s cheek before taking his face in her hands and talking energetically in Portuguese.

Viktor had tried to learn a little but she talked so fast that it was hard for him to make out what she was saying. She turned around to him and hugged him.

“You too, Viktor. Now come in, come in.”

Cait and Vi were sitting on the couch in the living room. Sky, Matthew and their toddler as well. They all jumped up and congratulated them, patting their backs, hugging them.

Ximena had set the table, champagne glasses filled and ready, flowers in vases, and a banner that said CONGRATULATIONS. It was so much. Viktor took a deep, shaky breath at the sight of it all. He took a step back and watched as the most important people in his life all moved about in front him. Warmth spread through him, engulfing him, hugging him, and he wanted to pinch himself. He wanted to make sure this was all real.

He hardly noticed Jayce coming up next to him, until his arm was being squeezed.

Jayce leaned in a little. “Hey.”

Viktor nudged his head into Jayce’s. “Hey.”

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“Hm… I’m just happy.”

“Me too,” Jayce smiled. After a while he said “Your mom would’ve been proud. Your dad, too.”

Viktor blinked and raised his eyebrows. “Yes… yes, they would have been.” He sighed.

“Come on, let’s join the others.”

Viktor nodded.

They ate cake, they drank champagne, they talked. Evening came around and Ximena made dinner as well. Some big elaborate dish and Jayce wanted so desperately to help but she only chided him and pushed him out of the kitchen.

Viktor had excused himself to go to the bathroom and now he stood in her hallway and stared at the pictures that adorned the walls. The first time he met Ximena she had dragged him out here and pointed at each childhood photo of Jayce and told an accompanying story. Jayce had looked like he wanted to die. It was adorable.

Now there were photos of Viktor on the wall. He was staring at one from three years ago. He and Jayce had gone to Prague for ten days during the summer. The eleven-hour plane ride had been worth it. It had been amazing. They truly had seen everything the city had to offer.

His favourite memory was walking down cobblestones of the Old Town one night. The streets had been nearly empty and it had still been so warm outside despite it being past midnight. Viktor had pointed to the medieval buildings and Jayce had stared, mouth agape, when Viktor told him the oldest buildings were from the around 1100, though they had a church somewhere else in the city from the year 921.

And they had been just that perfect amount of tipsy where everything felt funny and fuzzy. Their arms interlinked. Giggling at every stupid joke Jayce made. They had found a really sketchy looking kiosk and bought a sixpack of beer and sat down by the canal, staring at the moonlight being reflected in the gentle waves. Jayce had tried his best at pronouncing different sentences in Czech and it had sounded so horrible and Viktor had laughed so much his stomach hurt. And they had kissed.

The picture was of the two of them in front of the astronomical clock. They had asked some other person to take it for them. This picture was explicitly made for Ximena. It was a little stilted – very touristy – but it was still… cute. The other photos from that camera roll felt too private, too intimate to share.

Viktor’s favourite was one of Jayce sunbathing by a nearby lake. They had rented a car and gone for a daytrip.

Viktor closed his eyes and recalled the photo; Jayce is lying on his stomach on a towel by the sandy shore, head resting against his arms, a gentle smile on his lips. His earring shines, and soft sunlight falls on his face and body. He has just emerged from the water and small droplets make his body glisten in the sun. He exudes complete tranquillity. He looks… golden. He is perfect. He is everything.

Viktor’s heart fluttered in his chest and he had to catch his breath.

New York was amazing – truly, he loved it here, and he wouldn’t change it for the world – but there was just something special about European cities in the summer. They should go back again soon.

“Viktor?” Ximena appeared next to him.

He smiled at her and tilted his head towards the photos. “I was just reminiscing.”

She nodded. “I have never seen my boy as happy and relaxed as he was when you two came back from that holiday.” She put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a loving squeeze.

“Hm.” Viktor looked at the framed photo again.

“I’m really proud of you, Viktor. And I’m so happy for you and Jayce.”

He cleared his throat and turned towards her. She hugged him and he let her. He knew better now than to refuse a hug from the Talis’. There was no use in arguing against it. And secretly he enjoyed it just as much as they did.

Jayce was already on the bed when Viktor reappeared from the bathroom. He had just taken a relaxing shower – despite showering this morning. The warm water eased the pain in his joints.

“Come here,” Jayce beckoned. 

Viktor went over and Jayce sat up. He took Viktor’s hand in his and pulled him onto the bed. Viktor smiled as he let himself be dragged along. Jayce kissed him so wonderfully; on his lips, his jaw, down his throat. He hummed against his skin and Viktor’s body tingled with anticipation.

“Turn around for me.”

Viktor did. Jayce sat on the back of his thighs and massaged slow circles into his sore muscles. He knew all the spots that needed a little extra love; the tension between his shoulders and the pain in his lower back.

Viktor let out a long sigh. “I love you,” he mumbled into the crook of his elbow.

Behind him Jayce chuckled. “I know,” he said as he pressed a kiss near Viktor’s ear.

The kisses trailed further down. Jayce kissed him on his left shoulder blade, then just under his right, a few pecks on his spine, two on his lower back and then he bit playfully on his ass through his boxers.

Viktor yelped and propped himself up on his elbow, turning his head to look at Jayce. Jayce looked at him with a satisfied smirk and Viktor returned it.

“Lift your hips.”

Viktor did and Jayce peeled his underwear of, tossing it aside. He put a pillow under Viktor’s hips and kissed his lower back again while kneading the back of his upper thigh, trailing his hand up and up…

Hands gripped his ass, spreading, and Viktor sucked in a breath as he felt Jayce’s warm tongue on him. He swore under his breath and let his head tilt forward. He let himself get lost in the sensations and he could feel Jayce moan against him and fuck, he was so good at it. Viktor couldn’t help but rut against the pillow beneath him and keened as he felt Jayce’s tongue pushing and dragging.

He groaned and reached a hand behind, gripping at Jayce’s hair and pushing his head down. He could hear Jayce chuckle as he continued relentlessly.

It felt incredible.

Jayce lifted his head and crawled back up. “Do you want me to continue or do you want to fuck me?”

Viktor moaned at the words. They were both incredibly pent up. They hadn’t had sex in over a month – God, hadn’t it been two months? – having been too busy with the last bits of their dissertation; both just too stressed and too tired to even think about it but now…

“Fuck, Jayce, please let me –“

“Oh, you will, won’t you?”

Viktor turned around and eager hands found each other, wrapping around as they started stroking one another.

“You will fuck me, won’t you? Take me, make me come on your cock, pull at my hair, choke me –“

“Oh my God,” Viktor laughed and slapped a hand over Jayce’s mouth, “shut up and lie down.”

Jayce chuckled and went to lie on his back. Viktor found the lube and worked his fingers gradually.

The need came off them in waves and Viktor felt like he might explode if he didn’t get to have his boyfriend right fucking now, thank you very much.

Jayce’s moans were intoxicating and Viktor licked and sucked at his beautifully exposed throat, craning his neck to kiss him as well.

Finally, he could tell Jayce relaxed more and more.

“Now?”

Jayce nodded.

Viktor propped a pillow beneath his bad leg and entered slowly. God, he almost saw stars. He was leaning on his palms at first – arms outstretched – and moved his hips carefully. Their breathing came in hot and heavy. He let himself fall down on his elbows and started moving faster. Beneath him, Jayce moaned with the rhythm and lifted his hips up to meet Viktor’s, arms wrapping around him.

Viktor placed a hand on Jayce’s throat, fingers wrapping around.

“Like this?” he asked.

“Fuck. Yes, harder,” Jayce said with a groan.

Viktor’s hand held tighter while his other hand found Jayce’s, fingers entwined, holding close.

The movements became quicker, more erratic, breathing stuttering, incoherent moans and grunts from both of them. Jayce threw his head back into the pillow. Romance was for tomorrow. God, it felt so fucking good.

“I love you,” Viktor panted into his ear.

Jayce groaned. “I love you too,” he stuttered,

Viktor went back up on outstretched arms and thrust down into him.

His back spasmed.

Pain shot along his lower back and up his spine. It seared through his body. Crippling contractions rippled through his weak muscles.

“Jayce… back… it hurt.”

He fell down on top the other. Jayce propped his head up, one hand coming up to stroke tenderly along Viktor’s back. “You want me to be on top? Or I can go on all fours and do most of the moving? We can switch?”

Viktor let out a frustrated noise and placed his forehead on Jayce’s shoulder. He bit at his lip. He hated this, when it first started. He was so embarrassed, so angry. It was still there, a little, but Jayce was nothing if not understanding and patient, and that helped.

He groaned in pain through gritted teeth. Jayce manoeuvred them so they were lying on their sides, facing each other.

“You need a moment?” Jayce moved a loose lock of hair away from Viktor’s forehead.

He nodded and closed his eyes, trying to control his breathing. It helped to stop. The pain was easing.

“Do you even want to continue?” Jayce asked carefully.

Viktor’s eyes flew open. “Yes. Yes. I think I’ll die if we don’t.”

“You’ll die, will you now?” Jayce laughed and leaned in, kissing him. “How are you most comfortable?”

“Like this.”

“On your side?”

Viktor nodded.

“You want me to…?”

“Yes, please. Get behind me.”

Jayce crawled over Viktor and settled behind him. He kissed along his shoulder and neck, sucking and nibbling at his skin. Viktor leaned back into him and reached a hand behind himself to stroke Jayce. Jayce wrapped an arm around him and pulled him in tightly. Jayce’s other hand came down along his spine and he started massaging Viktor open.

His back still protested a little – small twinges occasionally making themselves known – but he was also so comfortable in Jayce’s arms. It felt good.

Jayce moaned into his ear, his breath coming in hot against his skin, as he entered him. One arm was still wrapped around Viktor’s chest, possessively almost, the hand gripping his shoulder, while the other hand came down and tugged at Viktor’s cock in synch with his slow movements.

There really wasn’t much Viktor could do except arch his back. Jayce’s broad frame completely engulfed him as he thrust into him from behind. Some of the stress was finally taken from his back and he was able to rock back and forth as well. His fingers dug into the muscles of Jayce’s arm. Jayce moaned and whimpered and Viktor couldn’t help but smile. He reached a hand over behind his head to tug at Jayce’s hair in that way he knew Jayce liked it.

Viktor felt his core tighten and the warmth pooling and clasping deep within him, as Jayce moved so perfectly and touched him like that and -

“I’m going to – I’m so close – “ Viktor came with a loud moan. Jayce pulled out and stroked himself until he came over Viktor’s back, quite quickly. He let himself fall forward and rested against Viktor as they both breathed heavily.

Jayce was lying on his stomach on top Viktor, trailing his hand up and down Viktor’s ribs while Viktor’s hands pet along Jayce’s back. He closed his eyes and revelled in the heat coming of off Jayce. He was so comforting. Kind. Beautiful. Intelligent. Brilliant. Utterly brilliant.

Viktor looked down at his left hand, flexing his fingers and wiggling them about slightly.

“I keep thinking about what you said earlier.”

“Mm? About what? I’ve said many things today,” Jayce responded in a sleepy voice.

“Rings. With names in them.”

Jayce shot up; all exhaustion evaporated from his body in an instant. “Do not joke about that.”

“Do you really think I would be that cruel? To you?” Viktor laughed as he moved to sit up against the headboard.

Jayce sat up next to Viktor and took his hand in his, a finger carefully tracing Viktor’s. “Do you mean it?”

“Absolutely.”

“I… I, uhm, I don’t know what to say… this isn’t exactly the conventional way…”

“There are not a lot of conventional things about either you or me,” Viktor said as he leaned in and kissed Jayce. Jayce sighed into it and parted his lips for a tender, long kiss.  

“What do we do now?” Jayce asked with a small frown.

“What do you want to do?”

Jayce sat still for a moment. Then he straddled Viktor’s lap. Viktor placed his hands on Jayce’s thighs, thumbs tracing circles on his skin. Jayce looked so serious, it was kind of silly.

“I – Viktor… uhm… will you ma– no, that doesn’t seem right… do you want to –“

Viktor leaned in and put a hand up to Jayce’s face. “I, for one, would like to go out tomorrow and find a matching pair of rings and have your name engraved in it so I can carry you with me. Always.”

Jayce’s smile was blinding, almost. He beamed from ear to ear.

“I would like that, too. So much.” He surged forward and pressed his lips against Viktor’s.

Viktor laughed into the eager kiss.

“Is this better than a university dive bar?” Viktor asked.

Jayce chuckled. “I think so. It’s in our home.”

“Hmm. I agree.”

They laid down again, Jayce wrapping an arm and a leg around Viktor’s body. He sighed happily.

“Tomorrow?”

“Yes, tomorrow.”