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Chapter Text

Regina slowly made her way to the bar.

“Another one,” she mumbled.

“Ma’am I think you had enough,” the bartender said, “and we’re closing.”

Regina grunted and walked to the exit.

“Do you need us to call an uber?” the bartender asked.

“No, I’m fine,” she mumbled.

The air outside was freezing, even the alcohol couldn’t keep her warm. She wasn’t even sure where she was going, she just didn’t want to go home. She was walking slowly, it was dark and her vision was blurry, so she had no idea where she was. A car stopped next to her and the driver opened his window.

“Are you alright, miss?” he asked.

“Fuck off,” she grunted before continuing her walk.

She hated herself. She hated her life. At that moment, she wished someone would come and save her from this hell she was living, or at least listen to her without judging her. Now it felt like everything was spinning around her, she couldn’t even walk straight. Her heels were hurting her feet, so she took them off, she also felt nauseous. At some point she vomited behind a trash can. She had no idea where she was, and how to go home, and her battery died. The street she was in was dark, she could barely see anything, but she heard footsteps behind her and she started to panic, feeling like she was in danger.

“Excuse me?” It was a woman’s voice, so Regina stopped and turned around.

The woman came closer, “Are you alright? Do you need help?”

She came even closer, and Regina finally saw her. She was smaller than her, she had short curly hair, a nose piercing, and familiar brown eyes filled with worries.

The woman frowned, “Regina is that you?” she asked.

Regina took a time to process. At first, she was too drunk and too tired to remember who this person was.

“It’s me, Janis.”

Janis. Janis, her childhood best friend. Janis, whom she hasn’t seen in years after making her life miserable in middle school. Janis, the person she found herself thinking about sometime. Janis, the only one Regina would be okay seeing her in this condition. 

The blonde bursted into tears.

“Oh shit, are you okay?” Janis panicked.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Regina cried.

Janis hugged her, “Hey, it’s okay, you’re okay! Come, I live there,” she said, showing the building across the street. She took Regina by the waist, and the blonde put her arm around her shoulder, and together they walked to Janis’ apartment.

Janis helped Regina to sit on her couch, and she brought her a glass of water. She drank slowly, the cold water helped her gather her thought. She looked at the clock on the wall and saw that it was 4am. Suddenly, she felt ashamed, and started tearing up again.

“I'm so sorry,” she told Janis.

The brunette sat next to her, “It’s okay, I promise,” she said softly.

Regina whipped her tears, “no,” she said, “it’s so late, I should go home.” She got up but Janis grabbed her arm and made her sit again.

“Regina, it’s 4am and you’re wasted! You can sleep on my couch, I don’t mind.” she said.

“Are you sure?” Regina asked in a shaky voice.

“Yeah,” Janis said in a reassuring tone, “let me bring you some clean clothes, and a blanket.”

When Regina woke up the next morning, she immediately got hit by the biggest headache. She slowly opened her eyes and noticed that she wasn’t in her bed. Some vague memories from the night before came back to her. She didn’t remember much, but she remembered bumping into Janis and going to her place. She felt ashamed of how she behaved last night, it wasn’t like her. She looked around her: Janis’ apartment was full of canvas of different sizes, there were some pictures too, probably of Janis and her friends. Regina noticed that Janis put another glass of water and some pills on the small table next to the couch. She took one and looked at her phone. It was already 12, and she had 5 missed calls and a bunch of texts.

Where are you?

I know you’re mad but you didn’t have to disappear like that

Can you plz answer your phone?

C’mon Regina you’re too old to act like that

Where tf are you?

Regina sighed and replied: I’ll be home soon .

She heard some noise coming from the kitchen and decided to get up. Janis was there, going through the cupboard.

“Good morning,” the brunette smiled, “I was going to make some coffee, do you want some?”

“Yes, please,” Regina said.

They both sat down at Janis’ small kitchen table.

“So, about last night…,” Regina started, “just so you know, I usually never do this.”

“It’s fine,” Janis said, “you don’t have to justify yourself.”

Regina sighed, “it’s just that… things have been hard lately.”

Janis didn’t say anything for a few seconds, making Regina regret saying that. “Do you want to talk about it?” the brunette finally asked.

Regina took a deep breath. “We just moved here because Shane, my fiance, got a promotion. It’s not going great between us, for so many reasons, but I still followed him and left my family and friends to be with him. And now I’m alone in a city I don’t know, and it’s just… sorry I shouldn’t be bothering you with my problems.”

“Hey it’s okay,” Janis said, “I know we used to hate each other, but I’m here for you, if you need to talk, or if you need someone other than your man to be with you.”

Regina felt a lump in her throat. She has been feeling so lonely lately, and the fact that someone was being this kind to her was everything to her. Her phone buzzed, she knew it was Shane.

“I should go,” she said, “but thank you, for the couch, and everything.”

“Anytime,” Janis smiled.

-

“I’m sorry, What?!”

“Damian, stop yelling!” Janis said.

The two friends were hanging in the records store Janis was working in. It was the middle of the afternoon so the store was empty.

“I’m sorry!” Damian exclaimed, “but this is a lot! You finding Regina George, drunk, in the middle of the night? And you let her sleep on your couch?”

“It would’ve been cruel of me to leave her outside like that,” Janis said, “and she’s going through some stuff, and I want to be there for her.”

“So what now?” Damian asked, “are you going to befriend her like nothing happened between you and her?”

“Maybe, I don’t know!” Janis retorted. Damian raised his eyebrows, “c’mon,” Janis said, “it’s not like I’m telling her to move in with me, I just want to give her a chance.”

-

“Where were you?” Shane asked as soon as Regina entered their apartment. 

She sighed, she already knew where this was going and she was too tired to deal with it. “At a friend’s,” she mumbled.

“A friend ? What friend? Don’t lie to me Regina,” Shane said in a threatening tone.

“Shane, don’t start,” Regina said sharply, “remember Janis? From high school. I saw her last night and I spent the night at her house.”

“You could’ve least texted me,” Shane retorted.

Regina scoffed, “Like you text me when you’re out all night with your friends doing god knows what.”

“That’s not the same,” he answered.

“Why? Because I’m a woman ?” Regina asked sharply

“That’s not…” Before he could finish his sentence, the blonde went to their bedroom and slammed the door. 

She was hungover and fighting with Shane made her headache worse. She took a pill and went to bed. As she was laying down, she thought about Janis. Part of her wished she was still on her couch, and not her own bed in her apartment that didn’t even feel like home. She quickly fell asleep, and woke up a few hours later. When she got up, she found Shane in the living-room.

“Hey,” he said softly.

“Hey,” Regina said.

“Are you hungry?” he asked, “we can order some takeout.”

They ate in silence while watching TV, then they went to bed. When Regina woke up the next morning, Shane was still sleeping. She looked at him snoring for a minute and found herself wondering if this is really the life she wanted. Everytime she had one of those thoughts, she would feel her heart racing with anxiety. Since they moved here, her life was just her job, and Shane. She had no one except him and her coworkers that she didn’t even like. She wanted more, but she felt stuck. Her alarm rang, so she got up and got ready for work. When she got to her job, before she got out of her car, she texted Janis to ask her if she wanted to have lunch with her. The brunette replied almost right away, telling her to come by her store.

The beginning of her day felt slow. Regina had to sit in one of those meetings that could have been an email and listen to her coworker complain about the same issue for the thousandth time. When lunch time was approaching, one of her coworkers came to her, a woman who was a few years older than her..

“Hey Regina,” she smiled, “do you want to have lunch with us? We’re going to the new Italian place.”

“No,” Regina answered without looking away from her laptop, “I already have plans.”

“Are you sure? You never eat with us.”

“Because I already have to work with you all day, so I need a break,” she mumbled under her breath.

“What did you say?” her coworker asked.

“Nothing,” Regina smiled.

Janis' store was only a few minutes walk away, which allowed Regina to breathe. When she finally got there, she was amazed at how the atmosphere was so different from her workplace. Music was playing, and there were posters of different music bands everywhere.

“Regina, hi!” Janis said, emerging from behind the counter, “I’ll be with you in a minute!”

While she waited, Regina went through all the vinyls and wished she brought the record player from her mother’s house.

“Do you like them?” Janis asked from behind her, making Regina jump.

“Actually, I barely know any of these bands,” she answered.

“Really? Oh I need to give you a list of recommendations,” Janis said.

The two women went to a small restaurant across from Janis’ store.

“So, how was the rest of your sunday?” Janis asked once they sat.

Regina shrugged, “just a normal hangover day.”

Janis chuckled.

“How long have you been living here?” Regina asked.

“I moved here after college,” Janis said, “I didn’t really know what to do with my life, so I just followed Damian, and I got hired at the store.”

“And do you like it here?”

“Surprisingly I do, it’s quiet but it’s not boring once you know the right places to go out and you meet your people.”

Regina sighed, “well you’ll have to show me around, because so far I hate it here…”

Janis started playing nervously with her food, “Actually, me and Damian are in a band and we have a gig this week-end, if you want to come…”

“You’re in a band?” Regina asked, surprised.

Janis chuckled, “yeah, it’s called the Art Freaks , it’s me, Damian, and our friend Amaya.”

Regina laughed at the name, “that’s great,” she said, “and I’d love to come, where is it?”

“I’ll send you the adresse,” Janis answered, “it’s in a gay bar tho, hope you don’t mind,” she smirked.

Regina didn’t say anything for a few seconds. She knew that Janis said that because of how Regina treated her after she came out, but she wasn’t that person anymore.

“I don’t,” she simply said.

“Would… Shane come too?” Janis asked.

“Oh hell no!,” Regina answered immediately

Janis chuckled nervously, “Why? Is he homophobic or something?”

“No,” Regina answered, “it’s just that… Uhm, I’d rather go without him.”

Janis’ smile faded, “oh, I see.”

Regina felt the urge to specify her point, “it’s just that… We don’t have the same vision of having fun, I like to go out and he’d rather stay home and watch soccer with his dump friends.”

The brunette scrunched her nose in disgust, “yikes,” she said, “but don’t worry, Damian and I will show you the best places to go out.”

-

The idea of seeing Janis again on the week-end was the only thing that helped Regina make it through the week. Everytime she thought about it, she was bubbling with excitement: she would go out, see Janis again, have a great time and maybe make some friends. It was small, but it was enough to make her feel alive again. 

When Saturday finally came, she spent a long time picking up an outfit and getting ready.

“Wow,” Shane grinned, “where are you going dressed like that?” he asked in a flirty tone.

Regina smiled, “I told you, I’m going to Janis’ show.”

“Well you look great,” Shane said before kissing her cheek, “have a great night.”

When Regina got to the address that Janis sent her, she hesitated for a moment. There were a lot of people, and she could hear music playing. She took a deep breath and went inside. She made her way through the crowd and found the small stage where the band was settling in. Janis was too focused tuning her guitar to see Regina. The blonde froze when she saw how good she looked. She was wearing cargo pants and a crop-top, and she was wearing some dark lipstick and a graphic liner. Damian was the first to see Regina.

“Hey girl,” he shouted, pulling the blonde away from her long stare at Janis.

The young man came down the stage and hugged her, which surprised her because they haven’t seen each other since high school.

“Uhm hi Damian,” Regina said.

He smiled, “I’m very happy to see you, and you look great!”

Janis joined them. “Regina hi!” she said, “I’m glad you could make it! And you should totally meet Amaya, our singer.”

Amaya, the third member of the Art Freaks , came down the stage to greet Regina. She was a tall dark-skinned woman with long braids.

“Hi, nice to meet you,” she said.

Damian checked the time, “girls we should go, cellphones on silence and shut your fucki…”

Janis interrupted him, “Damian, we got it,” she turned to Regina, “I’ll see you later.”

The concert was amazing. They sounded so good, and they all looked so happy on stage. Damian was great at playing drums, and Janis and Amaya had great chemistry… Maybe too much chemistry. Regina ordered a drink, which helped her relax and enjoy herself, she even danced a little, vibing to the music. She also noticed that a lot of people came for the band, and were cheering for each member. She was genuinely happy to see that Janis had people who loved and supported her, and found herself wishing she was part of those people. When the concert ended, she wanted to go to Janis but some people were quicker than her and she had to stay in a corner of the bar, waiting for Janis to get out of the small crowd that formed around her. After a minute, Regina thought that she would probably have to wait a long time and it would probably be a little bit awkward, so she considered just leaving and texting Janis once she gets home, but the brunette quickly emerged from the group, looking for her. Regina waved at her and the concerned look on Janis’ face turned into a relieved smile.

“Janis, that was so good!” Regina exclaimed.

Janis grinned, “aw thank you! I’m glad that you enjoyed it!”

“Of course I did,” Regina smiled, “you were all incredible!”

“Thank you, I appreciate it,” Janis said, “oh and if you want to stay a little longer, we’re having a couple drinks with our friends, you can join us if you want.”

Regina hesitated for a few seconds. She wasn’t sure about spending the night with strangers, but the thought of going home right away and just going to bed with Shane snoring next to her didn’t please her. And if she stayed, she’d get to spend a little more time with Janis.

“Sure,” Regina said.

“Awesome!” Janis exclaimed. She then grabbed her hand to lead her across the bar to her friend group. 

“Guys, meet my friend Regina,” Janis said to the group, “we’ve umh… known each other since we were little.”

Regina chuckled at the fact that she didn’t mention how much they used to hate each other.

“Oh my god I noticed you earlier!” one of Janis’ friends said, “you’re so pretty!”

-

Janis loved her friends, and how each of her gigs brought the group together and how they would spend the night together after, it was like a small tradition. A tradition where she would get 

drunk until the bartenders kicked them out. Only this time, she decided to drink less, so she could keep an eye on Regina. She knew that Regina was a grown adult, but she couldn’t stop thinking about the night she found her, and how sad she looked, not only that night, but also the day they had lunch together. When she introduced Regina to her friends, she looked nervous at first. But the group were so welcoming, that Regina slowly relaxed and looked happier. A couple drinks in, and she was laughing with them as if she had always been part of the group. Her laugh was genuine, and contagious, Janis hadn’t heard that laugh since middle school. Janis also noticed that Regina’s smile slightly faded when she hugged Amaya goodbye, but didn’t think too much of it. A couple hours later, the bar was about to close so everyone said goodbye and went separate ways. Janis approached Regina, who was talking outside with Damian.

“And after there’ll be a DJ set, you don’t wanna miss it! Can I count on your presence?” Damian was asking, with a smirk.

Regina chuckled, “You know what? Sure!”

“What are you guys talking about?” Janis asked.

“I was telling Regina about my drag show next week!” Damian exclaimed.

“Oh cool,” Janis smiled.

Damian yawned, “alright I’m going home, goodnight queens, go home safe!” he said before walking away and leaving the two women alone.

None of them said anything for a few seconds.

Janis broke the silence, “Can I walk you home?” she asked.

“Sure,” Regina answered.

They walked in silence for a few minutes. The night was even colder than when Janis found Regina at 4am. Janis was looking straight ahead, but enjoyed Regina’s presence by her sides.

“Can I ask you something?” Regina said out of the blue.

“Sure,” Janis answered, “What’s up?”

“Is there something between you and Amaya?”

“Oh,” Janis said, surprised, “no, not at all. She’s just a good friend, plus she has a partner.”

“Oh okay,” Regina said softly.

“Why’d you ask me that?”

“I don’t know… you guys seemed close so I was curious. We talked a lot about my love life, but never about yours.”

Janis chuckled, “well because there’s nothing to talk about, I have no one.”

Regina didn’t say anything for a few seconds, then sighed “Well sometimes you’re better off on your own…” she said.

-

Regina’s apartment felt dull, dark and cold, compared to the welcoming warmth of the bar. She quietly got ready for bed, and joined Shane who was fast asleep. She stayed on her phone until she got a text from Janis saying that she got home safe and wishing her goodnight. As Regina was falling asleep, she kept thinking about her night, and about Janis. The way she danced on stage, her voice, her laugh, how happy she looked when she was onstage or with her friends. Regina found herself wishing she could live that life, or share it with Janis.

When she woke up the next morning, she found Shane making breakfast in the kitchen.

“There you are,” he said with a smile, “I was about to wake you up, otherwise we would’ve been late.”

Regina frowned, she wasn’t completely awake and had no idea what he was talking about. “Late for what?” she mumbled.

“Have you forgotten?” Shane asked, “we’re going to Michael’s.”

“Oh,” Regina said quietly, “right.”

She actually forgot, probably because she didn’t like him, nor his wife. Michael was one of Shane’s best friends who recently got married. Him and his new wife looked like the perfect straight couple: they got married, bought a house, and will probably have a baby in the following months. Regina knew that Shane wanted the same for them. Once or twice a month they would have lunch or dinner together on the week-end, and Regina never had a great time but she had to pretend that she liked it.

“So tell me Regina,” Sharon, Michael’s wife, started as they were sitting at the table, “have you started planning the wedding yet?”

Regina tensed at the word wedding . “Not yet,” she answered in a neutral tone.

Sharon gasped, “why? What are you waiting for?”

“There’s still time,” Shane said, “we’ll probably get married next summer, but we’ll start planning soon. Right babe?” he added, touching Regina’s hand. The blonde gave him a fake smile and nodded.

Sharon spent the rest of the lunch talking about how she planned the perfect wedding and how she found the perfect shop for her maid of honor’s dresses. Regina wished she could drown herself in her wine glass and felt like it would never end. Even though she said yes when Shane proposed, the idea of planning a wedding stressed her out and she didn’t even know if she actually wanted it. When it was finally time to say goodbye, while she was waiting for Shane to stop talking about god knows what with Michael, Regina checked her phone and saw that she had a couple of texts from Damian. He had sent her informations about his drag show, and a few pictures he took when they were having drinks after their gig. One of them was just her and Janis laughing. It was a bit blurry, but Regina couldn’t recall the last time she smiled like that.

-

“Janis, are you listening?”

Janis snapped out of her daydream. She was hanging with Damian and Amaya at her store, where they were talking about what songs they should include in their next gigs. It’s been three days since their last concert, and all Janis could think about was Regina. Only three days but it felt much longer, she wanted to see her again, spend time with her, hear her laugh over and over again. Everytime she thought about her, she would feel butterflies in her stomach, but everytime those butterflies got quickly replaced by a heartache: Janis liked Regina, but Regina was engaged to a man.

“Hello? Earth to Janis!” Damian insisted.

The brunette got her intention back to her friends, “sorry,” she said.

“Are you okay?” Amaya asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Janis said.

“Really?” Damian said, “because it seems like your mind went to outer space.”

Janis grunted, “I said I’m fine,” she retorted.

“Good,” Damian said, “so as I was saying, we should sing more ballads.”

“Mmmh,” Janis hummed vaguely, not really sure about that idea. She loved ballads, but she wasn’t used to performing slow songs.

“Why not,” said Amaya, “Do you have something specific in mind?”

“Something by Celine Dion,” Damian smiled.

“Hell no!” Janis retorted immediately.

“Please!” Damian begged, “just hear me out.” He searched for something on his phone and showed it to Amaya, “do you know this one?” he asked her.

Amaya softly gasped, “Oh I love that one!” she said before turning on the store’s piano and trying on a few chords.

Janis sighed. “C’mon J,” Damian said, “you promised me this when we created this band, remember? Just listen and tell us what you think.”

“Fine,” Janis mumbled.

Amaya kept playing a few chords, then finally started singing.

Janis’ phone buzzed, it’s a text from Regina, asking if they can meet up someday soon.

But he’s held out and he’s the best

Janis stares at the text for a moment. The last few conversations she had with Regina, whether it was over text or in real life, made her happy. She liked her and she was glad they got to spend time together, but something didn’t feel right.

Even if I know he would never go with me

That feeling in her stomach, she felt it before.

Four a.m he’s here by my sides, talking, laughing and making friends

Back in middle school, when she saw her best-friend getting more and more interested in boys, and boys starting to look at her more and more. She found herself wishing that Regina would be interested in her and not some lame ass stinky boy who plays soccer. 

I get weak for him.

Now Regina is engaged to a man, she can’t be with her, not like that.

He lives a life that I can’t share.

That lyric snapped Janis out of her thoughts. She raised her head so fast that Amaya immediately stopped singing and gave Janis a worried look.

“Is something wrong?” Amaya asked.

“Uh no, why?” Janis answered.

“I don’t know, you were staring at your phone and suddenly it looks like you just saw a ghost,” Amaya said.

Damian grunted, “were you even listening?” he asked in an accusing tone.

“Of course I was!” Janis exclaimed.

“Good,” Damian said, “then what do you think?”

“It sounds good, but I don’t know about playing a straight song…”

“It’s not straight!” Damian retorted, “it’s about a gay man!”

“It’s about a straight woman falling for a gay man,” Janis said calmly. 

“You’re impossible,” Damian grunted.

“I actually love this song,” Amaya smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

Janis sighed, “I’ll think about it.”

-

Regina felt her heart race when she saw Janis waiting for her outside her workplace. She had invited her to grab some coffee afterwork. The day was cold, and windy, so Janis’ hair was all over her face, which made Regina laugh.

“Hey don’t make fun of me!” Janis exclaimed, trying to get her curls behind her ears. 

“Sorry,” Regina said, laughing.

“Let’s just go,” Janis said.

While they were walking to the coffee shop, it started raining, so they had to run. Once they got inside, they both laughed at how messy they looked. Without really thinking about it, Regina brushed a strand of Janis’ damp hair out of her face. Once she realized what she just did, she blushed and quickly looked away.

Janis cleared her throat, “Let’s uh… let’s order something.”

They stayed there for a long time, talking about anything and everything. Regina felt like she could listen to Janis talk for hours. She just loved how passionate she was, how her eyes lit up when she talked about her shop, her band, or her paintings. When she was with her, everything felt so easy and lighter, it was like Janis’ smile could make her anxiety almost disappear. 

After a while they had to leave because Janis had to go to work.

“Are you going to Damian’s show?” Janis asked.

“Yes,” Regina answered, “you?”

Janis chuckled, “if I don’t show up he’s going to hate me for the rest of his life.”

Regina laughed. “I’ll see you there then,” she said.

-

Regina had the best time at Damian’s show, but she spent half of it glaring at Janis. They shared a table with some of their friends, and the brunette kept standing up and cheering for a friend. Everytime their eyes met, Regina would have this strange feeling in her stomach. She felt it every time she would think of Janis, which happened more and more often over the last few days. Deep down she knew what it meant, but she tried to deny any feeling other than friendship for Janis. That night she decided to drink those thoughts away.

After the show, as Damian promised, the DJ set started and the dancefloor got quickly filled with people dancing to some really loud music. Regina stayed at her table for a moment, using the end of her drink as an excuse not to join the friend group. But after a couple minutes, Janis, whose confidence got boosted by the tequila, came for Regina, yelling something that she couldn’t hear because of the music. She grabbed Regina’s hand, and the blonde let her lead her through the dance floor. They first formed a dance circle around Damian, who apparently didn’t get enough spotlight when he was on stage, then they broke the circle and danced in smaller groups. Regina danced with Janis, because of the alcohol and the heat, she felt like the world was spinning and fading at the same time. At that moment, it was just her, Janis, and the thumbing bass of the music. She felt good. She felt happy and careless. The brunette was dancing closer to her, and Regina could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She put her hand on Janis’ waist and together they swayed to the rhythm of the music. At some point they stopped. Janis’ brown eyes were looking straight at Regina’s, then her gaze lowered to her lips then back to her eyes. Part of Regina was telling her to stop, but she decided to ignore it. She leaned towards Janis until her lips met hers.

-

When Janis woke up, she struggled to remember everything that happened after Damian’s show. She hadn’t opened her eyes yet, but she could already feel a terrible headache. She slowly sat up and rubbed her eyes. It slowly came back to her: the loud music, her friends dancing together, Damian being the life of the party, and… Regina. Her heart skipped a bit when she suddenly remembered. It wasn’t really clear, but she remembered dancing with her, and then the feeling of Regina’s tongue in her mouth, and what happened then? She couldn’t remember. Janis grabbed her pillow to bury her face in it, only to be surprised to smell Regina’s perfume on it.

“What the…” she whispered to herself.

She looked around her apartment, looking for other signs of Regina’s passage, but couldn’t find anything. She also checked her phone, but saw nothing except a few drunk texts from Damian.

A few days have passed, and Janis still hasn't heard from Regina. She decided not to talk about it with Damian, because she knew that he would make it a whole thing. But she couldn’t stop thinking about it, she felt bad, because she knew that Regina had a fiance but she couldn’t help but wish to kiss her again. She hated not knowing what happened after, if Regina actually spent the night with her. She also wondered if she just kissed her just for fun, like some straight girl would kiss other girls just to try.

After a couple more days of not hearing from Regina, Janis decided to text her:

Hey, can we talk?

Regina immediately saw the text, but only replied a few hours later.

Yeah

The day after, Regina came by Janis’ store. 

“Hey,” Janis said, trying to hide how nervous she felt.

“Hey,” Regina echoed, she looked impassive.

“So uhm - how’ve you been?” Janis asked.

“Just tell me why you wanted to see me,” Regina said sharply.

Janis’ heart skipped a beat. She took a deep breath, “I just wanted to know what happened the other night.”

Regina raised her eyebrows, “You don’t remember?”

“Partly, you?”

Regina’s look shifted from Janis to the floor, “Same.”

“But you remember kissing me?”

“Yes,” Regina answered softly.

“And you slept at my place,” Janis continued.

Regina stayed silenced for a few seconds. “Yes.”

“Did we…”

Regina cut her, “Yes.”

Janis felt her legs shaking. “Do you… regret?” she asked hesitantly.

Regina took a deep breath and her eyes met Janis’. “No. I don’t,” she answered.

Janis felt a lump in her throat, she didn’t know what to say or how to feel.

Regina walked closer to her. “Look,” she said, “I like you, I really do,” she added with a shaky voice, “and I know I shouldn’t, because I’m with Shane, but I just… can’t help it. I spent the last days hating myself for what we did, but the truth is that…” she stopped, her breath getting heavier.

Janis took a step closer to her. “The truth is what?” she asked softly.

Regina suddenly looked at her in the eyes, she looked like she was on the verge of tears. “I can’t stop thinking about you,” she said, her voice still shaking. The two women were now both standing close to each other. Regina’s gaze unconsciously shifted from Janis’ eyes to her lips, “and everytime I look at you I just…” the blonde started before getting interrupted by Janis kissing her.

Janis immediately regretted it, and as she considered pulling away, Regina held her closer and deepened the kiss. They kept kissing for a few minutes, until they got interrupted by the store’s phone ringing. Regina quickly pulled away, and as Janis picked up the phone, she grabbed her purse and walked away without a word.

-

When Regina got home, she could still feel Janis’ lips on hers. When Shane greeted her with a kiss, she felt nauseous. It was a mix of culpability and longing for Janis. That night she had dinner with Shane, they almost didn’t exchange a word. Once they were done, she started doing the dishes.

“Don’t worry about it,” Shane said softly, “I’ll take care of it.”

“It’s fine,” Regina answered impassively.

“Is everything alright?” Shane asked in a worried tone, “Did I do something? Are you mad at me?”

“No, nothing,” Regina answered without looking away from the dishes.

“Are you sure? Because you’ve been acting weird lately,” Shane said.

Regina froze. “What do you mean?” 

“I don’t know, you’re distant, and you always seem to be… somewhere else.”

Her heart started pounding. She sighed, “I’m just tired.”

That night she didn’t sleep much. She felt bad for Shane, he didn’t do anything wrong, and he didn’t deserve that. He was not a bad person, and he could be a good husband… but she doubted she could be truly happy with him.

The following days, Regina tried her best to keep Janis out of her mind. She didn’t text her, and she focused mainly on her job, doing some extra-hours, to keep herself distracted. But it did not work, at all. Janis was constantly on her mind: whether she was in the middle of a meeting, doing chores, trying to sleep at night, spending time with Shane, Regina couldn’t help but think about Janis. All she wanted was to be with her, kiss her, hug her, talk to her,... She missed her and it was so painful because she knew that she wasn’t allowed to feel that way. She hoped that, with time, she would manage to forget about her. 

One night, when she got home after work, Shane was waiting for her in their living-room with his laptop.

“Hey babe,” Shane smiled, “Michael sent me some recs about wedding venues, wanna take a look?”

Regina felt a knot in her stomach. She sighed, “do we really have to do it now?” she asked, “I just got home, I’m tired.”

Shane’s smile faded, “I get it, but we have to start the wedding preparations soon, do you know that? Plus, my mother’s coming to town next week and she’s bringing her wedding dress for you to try.”

Regina frowned, “what? I never agreed on that.” she said sharply.

“Well I thought this was obvious,” Shane said, “you know how important this is for her!”

“What about what’s important to me ?” Regina said, her voice raising. Shane opened his mouth to retort, but before he could say anything Regina interrupted him, “you know what? Forget it,” she said sharply before grabbing her coat and her bag she had barely taken off and walked out of the apartment, slamming the door.

She sat in her car for a moment, taking deep breaths to calm herself down. She wasn’t sure what to do, but she couldn’t bear staying in the apartment with Shane. She felt the tears coming, she felt lost and alone. And there was only one person she wanted to see. She whipped her tears and started her car.

“Regina?” Janis said, confused, when she opened her door. “Are you okay?”

Regina was already regretting her decision, now that she was here, she didn’t know what to say or do.

“What’s going on?” Janis asked.

Regina took a deep breath, “I just wanted to see you.”

The two women stared at each other for a few seconds. Regina’s heart was beating so fast that she wondered if Janis could hear it. She was scared, but she also felt drawn to Janis. She tried to read the look on her face, there was a mix of worry, confusion, and longing. Suddenly she felt the brunette’s hand slowly taking hers.

“Janis,” Regina whispered.

“Shhhh,” Janis whispered, before using her other hand to gently pull her by the neck to a kiss.

Regina woke up the next morning in Janis’ bed, but she noticed that the brunette wasn’t there. She got up, and found her in the kitchen. Janis was staring into space while waiting for a coffee to be made.

“Goodmorning,” Regina said.

Janis looked at her. “Hey,” she said with a faint smile.

“Are… you okay?” Regina asked, feeling like something was wrong.

“Yes…No…” Janis hesitated, “we need to talk.”

“About what?” Regina asked.

“Us.”

“Oh…” Regina said quietly, feeling a knot in her stomach.

Janis took a deep breath, “We can’t do this.”

“But…”

“I like you, Regina, I care deeply about you. But you’re engaged to someone else…”

“It doesn’t matter,” Regina interrupted her.

“Of course it does!” Janis retorted with a shaky voice, “so what now? You’re getting married to your man and come back to me when he pisses you off, like I’m some kind of distraction? I don’t want that! I feel like I’m being used…”

“Janis, no!” Regina exclaimed, “I would never! I… I really like you! I love spending time with you, I think you’re amazing and you’ve done so much to me. But you’re living a life that I can’t share… I wish I could, but I’m destined for something else.”

“You know you don’t have to, right?” Janis said.

“I don’t have a choice… I just can’t,” Regina said in a shaky voice.

“But why?”

“It’s just… This is how I was raised, and I’ve been with Shane since high school, I can’t just leave him like this. And my mom she…” she stopped, feeling the tears coming.

A tear was rolling down Janis’ cheek, she took Regina’s hand. “You know you have a choice, right? And whatever you choose, I’ll support you. I’ll be there for you, no matter what. If you marry him, I’ll respect that, but I won’t be your side chick.”

Regina nodded slowly, “I understand.”

A few hours later, she was sitting alone in her car, parked across her apartment. She doesn’t even know for how long she’s been here, thinking. She made her decision, but she had to find the courage to face it. She finally took a deep breath, and went to the apartment.

Shane was sitting on the couch when she entered.

“Hey,” Shane said.

Regina took another deep breath. “We need to talk.”

Chapter Text

“What’s going on?” Shane asked, standing from the couch with a worried look on his face.

Regina felt a lump on her throat, she felt really bad for him. She was also terrified, and wondered if she was ready to take that step.

“Your mom’s dress,” she said, “I don’t think it’ll suit me.”

Shane’s face relaxed a little bit. “Oh, well if that really stresses you out,  you can try it, and if it doesn’t fit, or if you really hate it, I’ll convince mom to let you get your own dress.”

Regina silently nodded.

Shane slowly approached her. “What really matters is that we have a wedding that suits us,” he said before kissing her forehead.

That night, Regina went to bed with a heavy weight on her stomach. She hated herself for being a coward and not being able to choose the life she actually wants because she doesn’t want to hurt Shane’s feelings. Janis tried to call her once, but she didn’t pick up.

-

The day after, Janis was sitting in her store with Damian by her side.

“I don’t like seeing you like that JJ,” Damian said, “you should try to call her again.”

“Yeah I don’t know…” Janis said, “she has to make a difficult decision, I want to give her space if she needs it.”

Damian nodded, “Right, right, but I can tell that it’s hard for you too…”

Janis sighed and put her head in her hands. Damian softly patted her back.

“At least try to call her one more time, or go to her. Maybe she needs you to help her…”

“I don’t know, Damian…”

“Just try to reach her, ‘kay?” Damian said, “Knowing her, if she needs space she’ll tell you. But for your own good, and for my own sake, please do something.”

Janis drily laughed, “Alright, I’ll think about it.”

Damian’s face lit up as he got up, “Good,” he said, “I have to go, but call me if you need anything, and good luck with your shift.”

Janis spent the rest of her day, and the following night, overthinking about this whole situation. Part of her wondered if Regina chose to stay with Shane, which she knew was a possibility that she would have to respect, but just that idea made her heart ache. The day after, she decided to go to Regina’s apartment to check on her. As she was walking down her street, she saw Regina coming out of her building with Shane. Janis saw them kissing before Shane got into his car. She froze as she felt her heart break. Regina spotted her and came up to her.

“Hey,” she said with a faint smile.

“So you chose him,” Janis said softly.

Regina’s smile faded. “Not really,” she said.

“What do you mean not really ?” Janis asked, “if that’s your choice you know I’ll respect that.”

“It’s just that…” Regina said, “I haven’t found the right time… I can’t just leave him like that.”

Janis softly touched her arm to reassure her, “It’s alright, I get it.”

Regina looked at the floor, “I’m sorry,” she said with a shaky voice, “I want to be with you, I really do, but…”

Janis pulled her into a hug, “It’s okay,” she said.

Regina buried her face in Janis’ neck, and the brunette slowly rubbed her back. 

“I don’t know what to do…” Regina whispered.

“You’ll figure it out,” Janis said, holding her tighter, “I know you will.”

They stayed like this for a moment, before going separate ways.

-

A few days later, the two women saw each other again at a gay club. Damian invited them both, as well as their whole friend group. Regina was glad to be going out with her friends, and she wished she could forget her problems just for one night, but Janis’ presence made it hard. Everytime she looked at her, she felt torn between her guilt over Shane, and her feelings for the brunette. She still hadn’t found the right time to break up with Shane, and it was even harder knowing that his mother would come to town the day after. That night, Janis acted a bit weird with Regina, she was distant. It was small, but the blonde feared that her whole situation caused Janis to lose feelings, or that she decided that she hated her. Regina tried to ignore it by drinking and dancing with their other friends.

“Alright what’s going on?” Damian asked Janis as they were waiting for their drinks at the bar.

“Nothing,” Janis said in a nonchalant tone.

Damian frowned, “Don’t lie to me babygirl, have you talked to Regina?”

Janis nodded.

“And?” Damian insisted.

“And she wants to leave Shane but she’s scared to do it…”

“But she’s going to do it?” Damian asked.

Janis sighed, “Yes but, I don’t know when…”

“And how do you feel about that?” Damian asked.

Janis sighed again, “I just… Don’t want to pressure her, but in the meantime I can’t be with her while she’s with him…”

“But you really want to be with her,” Damian said, like he was reading her mind.

Janis pointed at Regina, dancing across the club, singing along to the music, tossing around her blonde shiny hair, “I mean look at her, she’s like the most perfect woman on earth, somehow she likes me and I like her, but we can’t be together and I have no idea how long it’s going to take, it’s like…she’s so close yet so far.”

Damian chuckled, “Damn JJ, I didn’t know you could get so sentimental, keep doing whatever this lesbian shit is and we’ll write some good songs for the band.”

Janis gasped and punched his arm.

“Ouch! I was kidding!” Damian exclaimed, “But seriously, you know what I always said, the key to a good relationship is communication ,” he added as he grabbed his drink and walked back to their friend group.

“I never heard you say this…” Janis mumbled, sipping on her drink.

A couple hours later, the whole friend group was still on the dance-floor. At some point, Janis went for a bathroom break. The calmer ambiance of the women’s restroom made her realize that she might have taken one too many drinks. As she was contemplating her life in the dirty mirror, Regina came in. The blonde froze when she realized that Janis was there.

“Hey,” Janis faintly smiled.

“Hey,” Regina said softly.

None of them said anything for a few seconds.

Regina finally broke the awkward silence. “Do you hate me?” she asked.

“What? No!” Janis answered, “Why would I…”

Regina cut her off, “I feel like you’ve been acting distant tonight…” she said, looking down, “I know this whole situation sucks, but…” she took a deep breath, “I miss you.”

Janis felt a knot in her chest, she wanted to take Regina’s hand, but part of her was telling her that she shouldn’t. “I miss you too,” she said, “and yeah… this sucks.”

“I will fix it, I promise,” Regina said, “I just don’t know how…” she added softly.

Janis stared at her, Regina was fidgeting on her rings and had a really sad look on her face. She could tell that she was as affected by all of this as she was, so she sighed and gently kissed her cheek, “Let’s not worry too much about it tonight, ‘kay?”, she took her hand and led her to the bathroom exit, “C’mon, they’re playing Guess and Damian will hate me if I don’t join him on the dancefloor.”

-

The morning after, Regina was woken up by Shane’s mom screaming in their living-room.

“My baby boy!” she could hear her scream, “Oh I missed you so much!”

Regina grunted, she put the cover on top of her head, wishing she could just disappear. But she knew that if she stayed in bed for too long, she would get remarks from her mother-in-law. She got up, put on her robe and tried to put her messy hair in a bun.

“Well hello there,” Shane’s mom said in a passive-aggressive tone when Regina showed up in the living-room, “did you just woke up?”

“Nice to see you too, Carol,” Regina fakely smiled before heading to the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee.

Carol followed her, “Shane told me you went out last night,” she said.

“I did,” Regina answered in a neutral tone, not looking away from the coffee machine, “Why?”

“Nothing, nothing,” Carol smiled before looking at her up and down.

Later that day, Regina had no other choice but to try on Shane’s mom's wedding dress. Carol forced Shane to stay in the bedroom because she insisted on the fact that the groom can’t see the dress before the ceremony. Regina hated the style, and it was so tight that she couldn’t even close the back of the dress.

“Beautiful!” Carol exclaimed.

“It doesn’t fit,” Regina mumbled.

“Nonsense,” her mother-in-law said before making Regina turn so she could grab the laces and pull them as tight as she could.

“Ouch!” Regina screamed.

“Oh come on,” Carol said calmly, “I’m sure that with a little bit of exercise it’ll fit you.”

Regina felt anger boiling in her, she grunted and went to her bedroom, slamming the door open. Shane jumped.

“Babe, you…”

Regina cut him off, “I hate it,” she said sharply while violently trying to untie the lace.

“C’mon Regina,” Shane said calmly, “it’s not that bad.”

Regina froze, then slowly turned to him, the dress half taken off. “I. hate. It.” she said quietly, her face red from anger and embarrassment. And most importantly I hate your mom she wanted to add.

The couple heard a soft knock on their door.

“I’m changing!” Regina yelled.

“I’ll talk to her,” Shane said softly before joining his mother in the living-room.

After changing, Regina opened the door and found Shane and Carol talking.

“Ah there you are,” Carol said when she saw her, “I was telling Shane that if you don’t want the dress that’s okay, I’ll wear it.”

It took Regina a second to process what she just said. “You want to wear a wedding dress? To our wedding?”

“Of course,” she smiled, “it’s not everyday that your son is getting married!”

“Right…” Regina said slowly, “your son .”

“Sooooo who’s hungry?” Shane asked, trying to diffuse the tension.

“Oh me,” Carol said, “I’m starving.”

“Alright mom,” Shane chuckled, “I’ll make us something,” he said, getting up from the couch.

“Aw look at him,” his mother exclaimed, “taking good care of his mother, my baby boy!”

Regina scoffed.

“Regina, why don’t you go help him?” Carol added.

The blonde sighed, and decided that returning to the bedroom was the best option, rather than committing murder. A minute later Shane joined her.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked softly.

“What’s wrong ?” Regina answered slowly, “have you heard her? Don’t you see the way she treats me?”

Shane shrugged, which made Regina even more mad.

“Is your head so up your ass that you don’t see what’s going on right in front of you?” she continued, “stop defending her all the time! If it was socially acceptable, she would’ve married you. She despises me!”

“C’mon babe,” Shane said, “Don’t you think you’re being a little overdramatic?”

Regina drily laughed, “Wow, Shane,” she said sharply, “you know what? She can take my place down the aisle, for all that I care.”

Shane frowned, “what do you mean?”

“It means that you can marry her, or anyone else, but not me,” she said sharply.

“Wait…” Shane said hesitantly, “Are you breaking up with me?”

Regina’s heart started pounding when she realized what she was doing, she was scared but she knew there was no going back. “Yes,” she said.

Shane’s face dropped. “Over my mom’s wedding dress?”

Regina sighed, annoyed, “It’s so much more than that. Actually I’ve been meaning to do this for a while now. It’s just… Not working anymore.” She thought about Janis, and the friends she made thanks to her, and everything they brought her. “I need more than the life you’re offering me. I need to be listened to, to be understood, someone who will not constantly invalidate my feelings.”

Shane was staring at her, pale, “But…”

She cut him off “It’s over, Shane,” she said before walking out of the bedroom, grabbing her purse and walking out of the apartment.

-

Janis was laying on her couch, enjoying her day off, when she heard someone knocking at the door. When she opened it, she found Regina. The blonde had a weird look on her face, and was looking very pale.

“I did it,” Regina said before Janis could ask anything, “I broke up with him.”

“Oh,” Janis said, “and how do you feel?”

Regina shrugged, “I don’t know,” she said, “relieved, I guess. But that’s a lot to process.”

Janis’ face softened. “I get it, why don’t you come inside?”