Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Spy opened his eyes and stared up at the guest room’s ceiling.

There was a dream. He thinks. Or past memories of battles in the desert, something to do with stabbing people and then getting stabbed in return.

Either way, it had woken him up from his slumber and Spy can’t find himself to go back to sleep despite how warm and comfortable the bed is. It’s nice for a guest’s bed and the freezing temperature outside does not effect him at all thanks to the blanket.

It was the optimal time and place to sleep but Spy… can’t find himself being able to do such a simple task.

Sleep is a delusional hope as he keep wasting time staring at the ceiling. Spy looked over to his watch on the nightstand and stared at the green illuminated 2:34.

Spy used one of his sleeping methods, which was closing his eyes and letting himself imagine or recall his memories.

He thought about the watch on his nightstand first because it was the last thing he saw. It had been a gift by Jeremy’s children and it is something way too youthful for him. It was Casio and there were features that are not useful to him such as a calculator but of course he accepted it with great honour. The twins had proudly claimed that they have chosen it because “Uncle Spy would definitely rock a cool watch like this!” And the others chimed in to support their reasoning for the gift.

They didn’t have to explain why they have given him that gift nor should they even give him a gift. They didn’t have to do all of that but they did and Spy was speechless when he held the watch while all the kids were staring at him with big and proud eyes. Unknown to them, their father, Jeremy had a glare behind their back that tells Spy if he even think of something sarcastic, he will be thrown out of the house.

The glare turned to look of shock as Spy laughed and hug all the kids in his arms. All four of them giggle and complain when he pull them to his lap and ruffle their hair. It almost felt like yesterday when he had done this to his son.

Spy tried not to be bothered when Jeremy’s face were briefly in a somber expression before he masked it with a cheeky look for his children. Painfully, Spy has been cursed to always pay attention to even the slightest nonverbal communication.

—-0—-

They had a conversation.

Co-worker to co-worker while Jeremy picked up a blanket from the attic.

Father to father when Jeremy tried to make his kids go to their room and sleep. 

Father to son when Jeremy almost close the door to the guest room.

Spy knew it was coming when he put the mask on Tanya but it was getting late and his legs were aching and the urge to sacrifice it and jump out of the window were also there but he’s getting old. No… he is old. He won’t be the same coward seven years ago. So, Spy pointedly stand by the bed as Jeremy open the door wide again and step into the room with a similar manner he had when he wanted something serious from Spy, be it dating advice or about his family. Could’ve been their family but even Spy is not that delusional. He was never in the picture and it won’t be right of him to say the Willis were his family.

Jeremy close the door timidly and straighten his back. They didn’t look at each other but one of them keeps opening their mouth and close it before any words could come out.

Then it was as if a dam broke after few minutes of contemplating.

Jeremy couldn’t stop the tears from coming out. Spy had never seen his son cry this much even when he was a baby he never cry to this extent.

Spy remember how his stomach drops when his lover let go of his hand out of tiredness and there was no noise in the labour room. He had thought the baby didn’t make it. He remember the tears that unwillingly trail down his cheeks. Spy grasp the hand that let him go and kiss it out of desperation for comfort but he knows she is too tired, rightfully so.

It was not until the nurse click her tongue and a small coo was heard from the bundle. With a thick Bostonian accent, the lady told him that his kid is alive and well. He’s just a bit tired and needs to be waken up. Scout always had a habit of sleeping in random places, a bit like Sniper.

Louis sobbed when he held the baby in his arms. Spies don’t sob, they don’t cry, they masked their feelings with charisma, suaveness, elegance, perfection but when Jeremy had his entire hand wrap around his finger, Raphaël Toussaint was anything but a spy. He was finally the father he always wanted.

But the world is unfair.

The boy he held, fed, bath, sang lullaby and taught tricks to is the same man crying his entire soul out in front of him. And it is because of him.

There was a moment in which Spy thought Jeremy would chock on his tears when he started to gasp after few minutes of crying. He urged the younger man to sit but the only reply he gets is a raised hand that later becomes occupied with wiping the tears and snots.

Jeremy started hiccuping with every sentence he tried to speak. He gasp and cried and hiccup again and again and it stressed Spy even further that Spy knows what he’s trying to say but the ugly cry would prevent them from having an actual conversation.

He told him to take a deep breath and hold it for five seconds but it was a pointless effort when the tears and hiccup simply won’t stop. Eventually, Scout took a sit on the bed and distracted himself with how uncomfortable the bed feels and the man who’s handing him tissues is not someone he always wanted.

They sat beside each other on the bed with some distance between them. A tissue box on Spy’s lap that would later run out.

They talked.

Jeremy never stop crying the entire duration.

They had the long awaited conversation.

Spy turned his head away when describing a gruesome detail.

There was some blood when Jeremy picked at his thumb unconsciously.

Jean held the hands before more bleeding would occur. He took a tissue and a small bottle of water from his pocket to wipe it off. Théodore held it harder when Jeremy tried to pull his hand away.

“Don’t be ridiculous, you will hurt yourself more.”  He said quietly to Jeremy in French.

“It’s a ha-“ a hiccup “-habit or whatever… can’t control it.” Jeremy muttered in English. He kept a careful eye when Spy took out a bandage from his suit and put it around his thumb. He closes his eyes and thought of past memory of Spy doing something similar and open them to see gloved hands slowly pulling themselves away.

There was a lot more to be said Jeremy thought when he stood up with wobbly knees.

“We will talk more later.”

It was the last thing Jeremy said before closing the door and leaving Spy seated on the bed, alone after being around by at least one person the entire reunion. He pondered and wished for everything to be different-that he will do the right thing in the very same universe rather than letting himself say “in another universe, he would’ve been a better father.” but he knows you can’t ever change the past no matter how many scenarios he ran in his head.

Gabriel Donnadieu open his eyes and stared up at the guest room’s ceiling again.

Chapter Text

He knew how Spy looked like before he took off the mask and give it to his daughter.

Although it has been years, Jeremy knows because it is the same face that stared back at him every morning when he’s brushing his teeth.

He got his eyes and facial structure.

Ma always said that he looks like him and his brothers also teased him about it, joked that the guy practically birthed him with the way Jeremy is identical to the Spy Guy when he hit 19.

Jeremy never felt too strongly about these statements but he does feel a bit disappointed that Ma didn’t say he looks like her. Never did, except for the bucktooth.

He really wish she would say he look like her when growing up because why would he looked like someone who never attended a parents-teacher meeting, someone who did not take him to baseball practices, someone who never teach him how ride a bike, someone who didn’t put his drawings on the fridge or even knows that he draw. It was an insult to him that he shared the same face with someone he never even know.

His entire life revolves around Ma and his brothers. Never a father in the picture and yet, he looks like him out of all people.

However, in all complete honesty, he does not resent Spy.

It’s hard to explain really. Some nights he prayed for Spy to get hit by a car and some nights he would prayed that Spy wouldn’t be dead when he doesn’t see him in three days. Most of the other mercenaries, his friends, believed he doesn’t know about his and Spy relations and try to give him all the hints in the world. His reaction would always be denial back then no matter how much they try to imply in his face. To be frank, it was their issue and the others shouldn’t interfere even if they thought they were helping because they were not. These days, they never really bothered him about it.

He respected his older colleagues but he’s also not looking for a dad to teach him how to do stuffs that he can figured out himself. No offense to Engineer who tried to get him into mechanic when he brought his motorbike over and Heavy who tried to teach him how to read. Beside, he can always ask his ma and brothers for some help.

The only few people he thinks that could understand him was Demoman and Sniper to an extend.

He had a conversation with Demo about fathers. It only happened once but it stayed with him and changed his amount of respect towards the Scot.

It was cliché, it happened at night, few bottles around and his body was slightly buzzed. He had some goosebumps along his arms but the campfire that was put on by Pyro was giving him enough comfort. It was nice and pleasant and so was the conversation they were going to have.

Thinking about it, he didn’t have it as bad as Demo. The guy accidentally murdered his adoptive parent and his real parent came and brought him back to Scotland specifically because of that reason. How do you have blood in your hands and be awarded for it? The guy wasn’t even a teen yet! It’s crazy and all he could remember was squinting his eyes and saying “what the fuck.” because what the fuck.

Demo only laughed it off but Scout was simply too concerned to laugh along, which led to an awkward atmosphere. The crackling of the fireplace was the only noise for few moments until Demo started saying “Ye know… I hated them for that tradition.”

It started out as that then it devolved into “I wish I had a father who was there for me.”

When that sentence was said, they stared at each other through the flames with understanding. Later, Jeremy find himself wrapping his arms around Demo and they shared a hug accompanied with few drunken tears from Tavish.

****

Jeremy likes to believes he have grown up well.

Yes, his string of lovers were an issue that even his brothers were concerned about it but he doesn’t care about it. They were deadbeats and as long as he took care of his children, make them happy, see their cheeky smiles early in the morning then everything is good. People tend to be concern about lack of mother in the picture but if he can turned out well without a father, his children can so too.

He didn’t think having kids would changed him so much but it apparently does. From his hair style to the way he thinks and say. It was as if a dormant version of himself was being awaken once he find himself feeding the twins at 2am while their mother is fast asleep.

He’ll be lying if he says his children were easy to take care of.

Though, anybody could tell that he was one determined parent by simply looking at his eyes, but he loves them, he just loves his children so much and it hurt him to even think to not take care of them. Even leaving them at grandma’s so he can go grocery shopping hurts him and because they are his responsibilities. Beside, how could anyone look at their own kids and think of abandoning them?

Jeremy thought of that often when he finds himself laying on the couch surrounded by his children with Tom Jones playing in the background.

May the man he always looked up to rest in peace, thank you for giving him all the charisma and being there for him but most importantly, for making him rich.

****

His children was soundly sleeping on his king sized bed due to guests using up their rooms. It was a last second decision as Soldier confess that he had not book a hotel nearby due to the holiday season taking up all the available options but neither Scout and his children minded giving their rooms to the Doe family for two nights. His children were even happy at the prospect of having a sleepover in their dad’s room though he argued with them that it’s “Technically not a sleepover since they are still in their house” but like always, he gave up fighting with them once they became too argumentative for their own good. Next time, he’ll make sure to come up with something faster than their little heads.

He sighed when he looked at the four of them dreaming on his bed. Of course they have taken up the entire bed, leaving no space for their own dad to sleep. Mind you, it’s his bed. Jeremy pull the blanket up to their little shoulders and walk over to his closet for the extra blanket and pillow for himself. He dropped the items carefully on the Persian carpet before walking into his personal bathroom.

Jeremy looked at the mirror, taking in the sight of tired eyes and aged face. No matter how much he tried to imagine, he can’t see the old Scout in him anymore and he doesn’t know whether to be sad or happy that the younger, cocky, wild version of him is nothing but an old memory. He decided to ignore questioning himself and started to brush his teeth and comb his hair but the more he stared at the mirror, the more he reflected on himself and Spy, the fucking guy that is somehow his dad, the one that ditched his family and him, who had the audacity to explained why he did that and pretended to be Tom Jones when he’s dying and-

The comb dropped from his hand and Jeremy look at the mirror again.

Suddenly he was fifteen and crying out in front of the mirror, longing and wishing.

When he was fifteen, he would imagine an older man comforting him in the bathroom. Sometimes these men would be from the comics he read, sometimes it’s Tom Jones himself hyping him up but on the very rare times where the first two doesn’t work, he imagined an older version of himself comforting him.

It’s strange he thinks; to imagine an older version of yourself giving you advices and telling you to man up and face the world so he never tell anyone about this little trick of his but hey, it works. It also made him ponder if Dell could ever figure out time traveling so he can volunteer and go back to his younger self (which may break the timeline but who cares) and actually comfort the fifteen years old bruised up boy but he knows that would never happen as it would’ve been in his memory by now.

It’s always whys with Jeremy and Scout, the reason why he struggled with math too because in math, you don’t need to ask why but he doesn’t like not knowing why the triangles are not accurate or the fact why is there two answers to a question. He liked English because there was always an answer to the why. Why did the character do that? And his teacher and classmates would give different answers but still an answer. So it came to no one surprise when Jeremy kept asking himself why things happened the way it did. Why did Spy never made an attempt to talk to him. Why did Spy never confessed. Why did Spy hide behind Tom Jones. Why did he do that. Why did Spy never cared or show anything to him. Why. Why. Why and why is he crying fresh tears again. Just why.

A knock on the door caused him to think of a reason to explain to his ma why he has been spending so much time in the bathroom just to remember that ma no longer lives with him, has been like that for years.

He wiped his tears, put his items back to its place and tried to present himself properly again. Jeremy open the door to see his son, Tony waiting with a crossed arms.

“I’m sorry for making ya wait, buddy.” He ruffled his son’s hair and walked out of the bathroom. Tony grumbled but his complain wouldn’t be voice because he noticed something is off about his dad.

“Are you okay, dad?”

“Yeah, I’m fine Tony.” His son gave him a curious stare but didn’t say anything as he closes the bathroom door. Somehow that interaction made Jeremy held his breath. God, he hated lying to his any of kids (unless when it comes to medicine) but he doesn’t need them to see him being all sad and moody again.

He would sit by the bed with the blanket and pillow that he brought from the closet. He thought of the interactions today with Tony and Spy, how they would laugh the entire time and he would carry him in his arms around the house, acting like it’s his kid but he doesn’t stop at Tony, no, of course not. Spy would then go on to Tommy and complimented the boy on his Junior’s Baseball medals and how he would love to attend his game one day then he went after Taylor, and said that she would make a great artist because Taylor had doodled him on a piece of paper. To his final kid, Tanya, who was the one that made Spy took off his mask for, the one where Jeremy can sensed he’s trying to give his legacy for and it infuriated Jeremy because how dare he tried to do that when Tanya would most likely be a scout, never a spy like her piece of shit grandfather. Hell, he doesn’t even deserve that title!

Though, the final nail in the coffin was him hugging them all after opening his gift, which was a Casio watch but even that doesn’t hurt as much as the love he held in his eyes towards them the entire time. Scout gulped down. Was he never enough for Spy? Was his lack of ability to read embarrassed Spy? Can Spy not see Jeremy is different? Why doesn’t Spy ever compliment his home-runs, his drawings, or ever take off his mask? Did Scout and Jeremy meant nothing to his own father?

As he was sniffing and trying to adjust his place of sleep on the floor, he was met with the sight of Tony coming out of the toilet.

“Did you not flush or wash your hands?” Tony sheepishly smile before going back inside the toilet to do what his dad just said. He came out of the washroom again but instead of climbing up to the bed, he sat beside his dad.

They sat in silence then Jeremy lay down on the carpeted floor and Tony also made himself comfortable beside him.

“Why are you sad?” Tony mumbled, barely could be heard over Jeremy’s constant sniffling and hiccups.

“You should go back to sleep on the bed.” He said, pretending to not hear his own son’s question.

“Why are you sad, dad?” Tony made himself louder.

Scout put his hands behind his head and thought whether it’s a good idea to tell Tony and even if he tells him, what exactly could he even say? Oh, the masked guy that has been coming over for the past few years is actually your grandfather and not just dad’s friend from work. Yeah, right, that make a lot of sense. He sigh and pull an arm out to let Tony lay his head on rather than letting the boy lay his head straight on the carpet.

“Well Tony, dad is not exactly sure why he’s sad.” That was half-truth as Scout doesn’t know why he’s still crying because he’s certain he has been crying over the same thing since he was a kid. The first instance being the topic of father’s day was brought up and everyone had a cool story of their dads taking them out for fishing, baseball, fixing cars and buying stuffs.

“I… sometimes I feel bad that none of you guys have a mom.” Jeremy confessed and yeah, it was not the reason why he’s sad but he’s trying to put himself in his kids’ shoes, reflecting on how he felt when he had no dad.

“Well, I don’t know about the others but I never really mind it.” Tony looked up to think for a second “Some people ask where and who is my mom but I’ll tell them that my dad is my ma.” He giggled and so did Scout.

It was reassuring to know that for sure but he wondered what his other kids thinks. Maybe he’ll ask them later once the guests are gone.

“Is that why you are sad?” Not really, but it’s better if Tony doesn’t know. Jeremy nodded either way.

“We should sleep Tony, but I got one more question for you.”

“What is it?”

“What would make someone a good father?”

And Tony would shift to his side to smile at his father before saying,

“Someone like you, dad.”