Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter 1

Danny DeVito was sipping tea in his huge condo in Malaysia, the tea was hot scalding his tongue but he continued to drink it “im not a pussy” he whispered after every sip.

“this tea was expensive! I have to drink every drop…”
The tea would never cool, because it was made from children’s tears and everyone know children are not cool.

He had a Wii remote in his hand playing Sukeban Shachou Rena, his favorite game ever.
“yes that cat WILL PAY” he screamed in between the I’m not a pussys.
While Danny was finally starting to reach his experience climax the phone rang, it was his manager.

“Danny my boy!” he screamed violently, like he was cheering for his fav sport team.
“yes I am Danny DeVito” said Danny “you are interrupting my climax”
Manager was really grossed out but he continued “it has come to my attention that you never finished your last year of highschool”

Danny gasped!
How did he know!?
Danny picked up his shotgun “who told you”?
“it says it on your resume Danny“
Bollocks Danny had forgot about his resume!
“so what are you going to do with me? Are you gonna fire me from retirement? Huh!? You will never do it!”
manager sighed, he sounded tired “you have have to go back to school Danny, its in your contract”….

Danny hung up on manager, there was no way that he was going to highschool not after the incident…..

They would have to drag him there and that would be very hard to do, considering how big he had gotten.

Chapter Text

Chapter 2
Danny Devito woke up peacefully at 5:30 in the morning ready to start his day, nothing was going to change.

He made some coffee and sat in his chair, put on the early news program and relaxed.

The news anchor was talking about cheesus and how it had suddenly started to cry, but in the process had disintegrated.

“interesting” danny said uninterestedly, he was a scientologist
“the aliens are coming” he whispered to himself

the phone rang, an unknown number and a garbled voice on the other end “we believe in you danny devito, we believe….”

He was all choked up,
“im your biggest fan… can I have your autograph”

But the phone went dead, they had left.

Danny was both happy and sad, weird feelings were emerging.

Before he could explore his sexuality men wearing ninja costumes jumped from under his coffee table! There where about 5 of them, but danny could take them! He had been training in ancient Malaysian fighting styles, he had also watched heaps of Jackie Chan movies.

One of the ninjas jumped forward, thrusting his fist towards danny’s head. Danny weaved around it, grabbed the ninjas wrist and punched his throat making his topple backwards unable to breath.

The others pounced onto him grappling and twisting his wrists, the pain was immense.

Danny thought fast and in desperation crunched down on one ninjas shin, making him fall in agony, then twisted his wrist free from another and smashed hin elbow into his nose.

Danny spun round just in time to catch another ninjas leg as it tried to kick while the other pulled out a tazer.

“Oh shiatsu” danny whispered

He threw the ninjas leg at the one with a tazer, making both of them topple over. The one without a leg was whimpering on his floor.

“Great! Now I have to clean up this mess, this is not what I wanted on my Monday morning…” he sat down on his couch, nudging an unconscious ninja out of his spot.

“I might as well finish my coffee” as he watched the remainder of the news.

But little did he know that one ninja was still hidden in his most trusted companion….

Liquid!

He took a sip of his coffee, drinking in the silent ninja called rohypnol that had been slipped into his drink during the fighting.

Danny’s vision became blurry as he fell into a deep slumber that he would wake up from when it was all too late.

Danny was going to school….

Chapter Text

Chapter 3

When Danny woke up and he was in an unfamiliar room.

There were two desks, one clean and one covered in paper work and books, there were a few houseplants scattered around the room. The walls where painted a bright blue and the carpet was a dark red, it felt crusty under Danny’s feet.
“Where am I” exclaimed Danny, the room was empty so no one replied.

And there it was, skulking in the corner with big blue eyes and poufy hair.

A cat!
Danny body slammed the cat making it unable to escape, the cat was not very happy from there recent events.
Being crushed under Danny’s body and unable to move the cat exclaimed
“Meow GeT ofF mE U cUNt!”

Danny wasn’t going to be beaten by this cat, twisting into a bear hug and, to the cats dismay, maneuvered into a German Suplex. Remembering all of his old gymnastics lesions from his third year of elementary school, Danny bent backwards and slammed the cat into the ground.

Danny stood over his defeated opponent and smiled, he was the master of this cat. He was now able to look at his collar and find out this cats name.
Danny looked down at the shiny metal, shaped like a skateboard and his eyes widened, sweat started rolling down his forehead and he was feeling light headed.

The cats name was Smooze.

The name was bringing up memories Danny thought he had repressed years ago, all the way back in 1986.

“No…not the smooze!” he screamed.
“I cant live like this, not when that….movie is in my head”

Danny now realized where he was, it had taken him a while but now…it was all coming back to him.
It was his old dorm from his old boarding school, he was even in the same room from when he was a teen.
Does that mean that he has the same dorm buddy, no that’s ridiculous its been 53 years! He’d be well gone by now.

On closer inspection of the room there where a lot of skateboards in the room, and a television with 15 gaming consoles attached. The other bed was messy, with a mini-fridge in the center filled with chips.

“oh no” whispered Danny.
Just then the door opened and Dannys old dorm buddy entered the room.

“hello Danny boy” said Steve Buscemi “its nice to see you, haha coolz”

Steve Buscemi skateboard tricks where the most menacing thing Danny DeVito had seen in years.

Chapter Text

Chapter 4
It was do or die.

And danny wanted to do but he messed up and did the die option.

Danny smashed through the second story window screaming the big old F word.

Smooze looked through the broken window and down and the falling danny

“Meow GeT rEkT m8” he yelled

Danny had broken his spine but it was ok, he would just walk it off. It was all danny’s manager’s fault!

“I AM MISSING MY MALASIAN FIGHTING CLASS HALP!”
then he appeared
the leader of all the ninjas who had attacked…
Steve Bushemi!

“You!? You did this?!”

“Ye I did bring u back, you need to finish ur education….i need u to my education.” Steve said wile doing a loop de loop on his skateboard.
Danny was impressed but in a pissed off kind of way.

“You can’t run away from me this time danny my boy, mainly cause you broke ur back like how do u even do that any more wtf is wrong with u omg.” Steve said rather sandly.

“Idk” danny replied, his voice filled with sorrow and soul. Danny began to sing some MCR. Is wasn’t too bad considering that danny was old and not a good singer.

“Stop that u twat omg” steve screamed
“ugh such a hater” danny whispered “I will convert u to scientology, you will bow down to the overlords.”

Danny looked up at the sky, then he saw it. Another sign!
The stars were out during the day and they spelled out an important message

“belive”

their English wasn’t very good cause they were from another place, danny is looking at you racists!

“Fite me racism I will kil u all” danny whispered…

then I big GONG sound and steve looked at danny excitedly.

“That’s the bell danny boy, its time for class” steve said dramatically.

Stfu u disgusting nerd” danny replied.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

Danny walked through the classroom door to see a class filled with 5 year olds, but with weird wrinkly bodies.

“what the fuck jesus Christ did I walk into a lung surgery or something” danny stated.

Steve was already sitting at the back of the classroom carving skulls into his desk
“wow” danny thought with a creamy dreamy voice “what a fucking edgy asshole why would you do that fucking try hard”

the final bell rang and danny took his seat.

The class was chattering while waiting for the teacher to arrive, danny was reading the lore of nikki minaj on the nikki minaj wikipidia page.

It was pretty amazing, theres a youtube video ant everything.

Then a small creek of the class door opening quieted the room filled with like fcuking 5 year olds.
“wtf why” danny said.

Gordon ramsy walked into the room, his eyes puffy with huge bags undr them, scruffy hair and crazy string hanging from his armpits.
“ why am I fucking here” ramsy said sadly and also filled with sorrow.

Danny was confused
“wow this is a weird day its like 7pm and clases are starting” he said

Gordon ramsy looked at him with wide eyes
“y-you! You’re new here!” he ran towards danny in a fast and fluid motion.

“you have to get me out of here! YOU HAVE TO SAVE ME FROM THIS PRISON!! PLEASE”

then a group of men/Gwendoline Christie looking women barged in and tear gassed ramsy.

They dragged his limp body out of the classroom while one wrote on the blackboard: please do questions 3 to 9.

Danny was confused cause this was P.E and they were in a swimming pool.
Why there was desks in a swimming pool was not a question danny was thinking about at that particular moment. He has dementia.

“I gotta get outta here man I gotta escape theres nothing here its just dark the days go by in seconds I need to be free I left a pie in the ovens man I hope the ninjas tuned that off fucking hell save me from this purgatory I have nothing I have nothing I have nothing I cant be here im a famous actors those 5 year olds are drowning man they haven’t got legs Donald trump might be president I have nothing to live for god please kill me now I cant live in this hell why hath thou forsaken doth fat roly poly body” danny whispered in deep reflection.

Steve walked up to danny on his skateboard “want to get matching tattoos?” he asked

“yes” danny replied “ I want to get a tattoo of betty boop and under it in italic comic sans it says ‘save the children’”

steve looked at dany “cool” he said