Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Preface

   I had to confess that there were times, rare moments when I would imagine how I’d die. I could sit here and lie to you and say they were just morbid intrusive thoughts, but they weren’t. I methodically planned how it would go. 

   Not looking both ways before crossing a street and getting hit by a bus. Walking a little too close to the side of a cliff. Not checking the strength of a prescription and taking one too many. Swimming in the ocean at the wrong time of day. 

   These were just thoughts of human errors, or some might say mother nature. Accidents , if you will. 

    Mishaps were not a sin, unlike suicide.

Chapter Text

Prologue

       In northwest Washington State, there’s a tiny town named Forks. It’s nearly always cloudy, and it rains more often than not. It was moody, and to the trained eye gothic. Not gothic in the ‘all black leather’, type of way, but in an Anne Rice, Mary Shelby way. It was this town that I had fallen in love with. I loved the rocky beach, the forest green, and the omnipresent. It was this beautiful crestfallen town that I had been raised in.  

     I was born on July 9, 1990, I was born to two loving parents, Lou and Charlie Swan. Lou and Charlie were two very different people.

     Charles Swan, aka Charlie, was awkward. He was a quiet man who never spoke unless he had something to say. Charlie loved sports and beer. He was stable, reliable, and predictable. He never did he do something without reason. He was a plain-looking man who lived a plain life. 

     Lou was a whimsical, art-loving, sporadic, beautiful woman. She was just so alluring, that no one could look away. Lou was bright, and in my father’s words, “She brought color to the world.” She was the north star, guiding people home. She loved the color yellow, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, and most of all me. She was so nurturing that almost everyone in town called her ‘Mom’. 

     It took work but they learned balance. Their dance of life made the anticipation of my entrance into existence one of Forks' most exciting births.

     I ruined their dance. I threw them so off-tempo that they could never find the steps again.

Chapter Text

 Act One: Twilight Chapter One: Truths

     My dad swears that my mom was always fragile. I know the truth though. I ruined her. 

     After three rounds of fertility drugs, I was conceived. The pregnancy was hard on my mom. Her body was no longer just hers, but she moved her organs around to make room for me. Sharing a home with her baby was her miracle from God. 

    In the months after my birth, she was a shell. She no longer felt like a person. She got lost trying to fill up her cup and wash my bottles. There just wasn’t enough water for hers. Today what she went through is known as ‘perinatal depression.’ It’s a type of depression that can occur even in the happiest of people.

     Everyone was so worried about her bonding with me, that no one thought to check the clumps in her chest. 

    I was three when she beat breast cancer for the first time, and I was eight when it came back. 

     My mother lost her battle six months ago because her illness was a battle. Maybe not the kind people think of, with guns and bombs. But it was war inside her body every day for years.

     Her Hollywood curly blonde hair, which everyone was envious of fell out in clusters. Her sun-kissed skin paled as she lost muscle and bone mass. What once were bright jaded eyes dimmed. There was no hope for her. There was no God that cared about my mother. 

     With her death, my father stopped dancing. Our world faded into black and white. The food was tasteless, the air burnt, and everything stunk of chemotherapy, and vomit, choking us into silence.

      I knew my dad was worse off, and so when he decided that my half-sister was going to move in with us. I didn’t care. I didn’t argue to keep the life I barely wanted. But I also didn’t know the chaos that would ensue from her presence in Forks. 

     It wasn’t that I didn’t love my sister. I do, a lot. I’m just running out of water. Trying to keep everything afloat was so hard. 

     I would have failed if it weren’t for our neighbor, Natalie Forge. Her husband, Wayne, was in my mother’s cancer support group. He lost his battle with skin cancer four years ago. Ever since then, she would help out with anything we needed. In return, we took her son, Oliver who was a few years younger than me, in. We took him fishing and camping, and I babysat him after school. 

    Our day-to-day lives hung on a tightrope. Every minute was planned, and every task and chore was balanced. Bringing another person into the mix was sure to drown us. With any luck, and maybe some sweat, the only person that would fall under was me. 

    It wasn’t that Isabella, my sister, was an ocean wave wanting to squash us. She was more like the moon. Her gravity pushed and pulled the way we lived, most impactfully me. 

    We didn’t fight. As she prefers, Bella wasn’t trying to be mean most of the time. We were just different. My sister was a lot like our dad, awkward and antisocial. She was brilliant, always reading some classics. She wasn’t your average girl. She hated most feminine things, not that she was masculine, she hated sports and anything that got her dirty. And, as much as she detested people looking out for her,  she tended to linger when worried.

     When I was little I wanted to be just like her, and deep down I still do, but the factualness, I was nothing like her. 

     I loved ladybugs and the outdoors. I loved running, which Bella couldn’t do without falling on her face. I loved ballet, and the color pink filled me with warmth. I loved tragedies except when they happened to me because I’ve always been selfish, and in the last year, I’ve been sad. Despite how cliché people find them, roses were my favorite flower, because I’ve never been special or picky.

     I am the second daughter, everything I’ve ever done, Isabella has already accomplished. 

     Her biggest achievement, thus far, was getting the one boy I liked, to fall for her. Oh, it wasn’t her fault, I know that. She didn’t purposely do it. To be honest, I don’t think she even remembers him. She stopped coming in the summers when I was ten, but still Jacob Black never forgot. 

     Jacob was the son of Billy Black our father’s best friend. They had been friends since childhood and raised their children together. Not that Jacob and I were friends. We were born in the same year. And when we were little we were in the same classes. I’ve always had a crush on him, and I’ve always known he harbored one for my sister. It hurt, and still kind of does.

     But, the truth lingers. Sometimes, it can smell sweet. Other times it’s like mold creeping into your nose. Then again, honesty brings simplicity, but it can be so complex. Some hide from it, wrapping themselves in bubble wrap, anything to make it land softer. Some, like my father, seek it, turning over every leaf. But the truth can leave scars, or the wound could always bleed. For me, Lizabeth Swan, the truths of my life aren’t comforts, they’re lesions. They bleed all over my bedspread, down the shower drain, and currently, they are bleeding over the floor of a stale airport.

Chapter Text

 Act One: Twilight Chapter Two: Sisters

 2005, January 17th, Port Angeles, Oregon, United States, Airport

      Growing up I didn’t get why people called us ‘ half sisters’. We didn’t do anything by halves . 

     Or at least I didn’t. 

     I wrote her letters when she was at her mom’s. I dusted her room and books while she was away. Bella hated the dust. It made her sneeze. When she did visit for the summer, I made sure to grab onto her hand tight. She was my favorite person, my sister. 

     Sisterhood is where you’re supposed to find comfort. You look out for one another. You brush your sister’s hair when she can’t, and she’s supposed to grab your hand when you’re frightened. You share secrets and kiss one another’s injured knees.

    Sisterhood was supposed to be cherished, sacred, and so deeply profound that words simply don’t equate to it.    

   I understood Bella did see us as halves when she didn’t show up for my mother’s funeral. I called. I wrote emails. I was ignored. I was scared and wanted her hand. I wanted to know that my big sister had me.

    I didn’t learn how to be a sister from Bella. Oliver taught me, and because I love being a sister, I still dusted Bella’s room. I still wrote the emails she ignored, and in turn, I avoided mirrors. 

    We might have had different mothers, but we sure did look a lot alike. So much so, that if I wasn’t paying attention I would’ve thought she was my reflection. 

    And maybe she was a reflection of me. A clumsy, smarter, older, and more ambitious reflection, but a piece of me all the less. 

   Perhaps that was what sisters are for. To show you what could’ve been. If my world hadn’t saddened, maybe I could’ve been like Bella. 

   Bells is the girl who loves the heat and travels around the country with her mom. She was so quiet, that people thought she was shy, but in reality, she was just curious. Bella knew what she wanted and got it. She was never stuck or wasting time. 

   But, I wasn’t Bella, I was Lizabeth. And as Beth, I have to have faith. I had to believe that being me was enough. That the tightrope I was on, was threaded carefully with love. That I would find a place where I belonged and wasn’t just standing outside the moment. Outside of my body.

     As it stood now I would have to settle for being at my dad’s cruiser waiting for Bella’s plane to land. It was raining and the wind stung my scraped knees. “I think this will be good for you,” Dad said out of the blue. “You look exhausted all of the time. Maybe having Bells here will help.” 

    “Dad,” I sigh. It warmed my heart he was worried about me but I was coping. “I’m getting by,” I look down at my blue Converse. It felt shameful to ignore his eyes. To have someone see that I was struggling. 

     “I don’t want you to just ‘get by’. Your mother wouldn’t either. I get that you’re sad. I am too,” His voice cracks letting me know he’s on the verge of tears. “I want you to laugh again. I miss it.” My eyes gleam with tears that I can’t let fall. 

     I don’t have the strength to tell him that I don’t think I will ever recover. I would survive though, and hopefully that would be enough. In truth, I was taking things, day by day, minute by minute. That I told myself was sufficient.

     “It’s good to see you, Bells,” Dad gave her a one-armed hug alerting me she had made her way over. I tuned them out while they exchanged pleasantries. Bella only had a few bags, and I shoved all of them into the trunk. 

     “You look good,” Bella had whispered. I didn’t even hear her come up to me. “I’m sorry about your mom. Lou was nice.” The words sounded clumsy, but I knew she meant it. Bella was a shit liar. 

     “Thanks.” I wasn’t in the mood for conversation,  especially about my mom, and I knew if they kept talking to me I’d snap. I slid into the back of the police cruiser. My dad was Police Chief Swan to everyone in town. I tried not to feel like I was a criminal. It never worked. I hate sitting in the back.

    “I found a good car for you, really cheap,” he said so easily. The car he found was an old orange Chevy truck that belonged to the Blacks. Billy could no longer drive it, as his diabetes had worsened, putting him in a wheelchair. As I’m only thirteen, almost fourteen, Bella gets the car. Dad said she’d be tasked with getting me to school and practice, but I didn’t think that was fair. I knew deep down he was just trying to get us to bond, but there was no doubt in my mind I was going to be riding my bike everywhere. I’m okay with that, as it means I’ll be able to make sure no one would run over Oliver while he rode to school. “Well, it’s a truck actually, a Chevy.” Dad was still holding onto his smile when he saw Bella, but now it looked like he was too scared to move his face.

      “Where did you find it?” See, Bella was always curious.

     “Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?” La Push is a tiny Indigenous reservation on the coast. It was one natural disaster away from being wiped out and made most of its money off of tourists. That’s where Billy and Jake lived. It was a ten-minute drive from our house and a thirty-minute bike ride.

      “No.” She should remember considering that Jake’s older sisters were her best friends for multiple summers. Rachel and Rebecca Black left last summer, after graduating early. Rachel is in California going to college, and Rebecca lives in Hawaii with her husband, Solomon. 

     “He used to go finishing with us during the summer,” Dad prompted. I have to tune this out. This is honestly painful. They are way too awkward. Maybe if I’m quiet enough they won’t realize I’m here. I do not want to be dragged into their conversation; I only want to be left alone for right now.      

     I stared out the car window. Everything in Forks is green. The trees, their trunks covered in moss, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves. 

     It was beautiful. “How cheap is cheap?” Bella’s voice cuts through my daydream. I can feel my eyes and throat burn. Money has been tight for a while now. Hospital bills were not cheap, and any spare change Dad saved up was used to see Bella in the summer.

     Iron fills my mouth as I bite down on my tongue. Not that I would say anything. That would risk having Dad being mad, Bella crying and me having an outburst. Having an outburst would mean Dad talking to my therapist and that would mean more therapy. The therapy was nice. I liked having someone to talk to and Dr.Jackson was very empathic, but everyone looked at me crazy when they found out about it. Or worse, they looked at me with pity. 

     Their conversation slowly thankfully dies out from there.

Chapter Text

 Act One: Twilight; Chapter Three: Space

 2005, January 17th, Forks, Oregon, United States

     I couldn’t thank God enough when we finally pulled into the driveway. We lived in a modest three-bedroom house. It was built in a seventy-southern style with brown wood and a sage green door. My mother and I had painted yellow daisies on them when I was five. We had a painted yellow fence with a funny hand-painted sign. The sign read ‘A lovely lady and grumpy man live here’ in green big letters. Underneath it in smaller red lettering it read ‘and a little ladybug.’ I was the ladybug. That’s what my mom called me, for my auburn hair and my brown wide eyes, that always made me look perpetually surprised.

     “Wow, Dad, I love it! Thanks!” Bella’s voice tinkled out. She was checking out the truck. It was rusted and had been on this earth longer than either of us. 

     I went to the trunk to gather her things. 

     It only took one trip to take up Bella’s bags. Her feet almost fell out from under her twice, it made a giggle fall out of my lips before I could stop. I know it’s wrong, and I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m having a horrible day. And she looked like a baby lamb fresh out of the womb. Fumbling and tumbling around. 

     Bella’s room was across from mine. Her walls were painted blue and her bedspread purple. The only thing horrible about this house is that there is only one bathroom at the top of the stairs.

     I moved to my room not wanting to hover. My socks slip a little on the wood floor making me fall into my bedroom door. I couldn’t even be upset. I deserved it. My door was covered in photos of me from my birth till I was eleven. Mom had printed them out and arranged them around a wooden red ‘L’. 

    My walls were an eggshell pink with hand-painted mauve pansy flowers. The dark wood bed frame matched the nightstand and the wardrobe. My bedding is pale with a tiny ladybug print on it. My room was on the east side and my window faced the backyard forest. I covered the view with pale red lace curtains. 

     This was my safe space. It’s been mine since I was born. It’s the only room and house I’ve lived in. 

     Forty minutes I get to spend in my bubble. I have forty minutes left of my life before it goes to crap. For forty minutes I can just be Lizabeth the girl with a cop dad and dead mom because when those minutes are up I’m going to be ‘little Swan’, Bella’s sister.

     No one will remember that I placed second in the Ballet Championships of America, or that I broke the girls’ track record, twice. No one will care that I skipped the first grade and was the youngest person to join the church choir. I will be renounced as, the dumber, the uglier, the little sister . And I will learn to be okay with it. I’ll be resilient because that’s who my dad needs me to be. That’s who my mother wanted me to be, and somewhere deep inside that’s who I want to be. 

     It seems dramatic, but this is Forks. We had one elementary and middle school that we shared with La Push. The high schools were separate and only had three hundred and fifty-seven students. All of us kids had grown up together- our grandparents had been toddlers together. Bella was the new girl from a big city, a curiosity, an excitement. And I was barely someone. I didn’t have friends. Not real ones anyway. 

    I spent my precious last moments trying to cuddle our family cat Grumper. 

   Grumper is a fat, ferocious black beast. I found it when I was six. He was only a kitten then, closed-eyed and whimpering. Some of the older neighbor boys were picking on him. He was underweight, and covered in fleas and worms. I fought for him, in of my knightly glory of fifty pounds. The boys had pulled a chunk of my hair out, and I lost a tooth. Both my hands and knees were scraped.

      It was a battle won. I remember being so proud my skin glowed. I rode my pink training bike home with Grumper in my overall pocket. 

    He’s been a menace since. As his name suggests, he’s a grumpy thing. Once, he even attacked Bella and gave her a small scar on her left pinky. Even though I practically saved his life, he can’t stand me. The only one he liked was my mom, the traitor. 

    These past months, he’s been more accepting of me. He shows his love by hogging my bed and attacking my legs every time I move. He chews up my track shoes, and nearly claws out my eyes when I try to pet him. But he also refuses to let me shower without him. I take it as a sign that we’ll get along.

     “Come on Grumper give me some love,” I plead as his mouth twists into a snarl. “I’ve had a bad day and that’s no way to talk to your favorite ginger.” To be honest, I don’t know if I could even be counted as a ginger. 

     He hisses and then gives me a blank look. I know he’s judging me. He really shouldn’t, not to shame anyone, but he was at least seven pounds overweight. It’s all the dead flies he eats. That doesn’t sound bad, but he’s fluffy so he could suffocate someone. I should know because he’s tried to kill me this morning.

     Grumpers favorite trick is rolling over onto his back showing off his gut. He knows how irresistible he is in that position. Once he’s in place he’ll meow and try to snuggle up to you. Like the fool I am, I always fall for it and place my hand close to give him love. Grumper, the mastermind, doesn’t want love he wants to slash your eyes and feast on them. I swear if I knew he was part demon, I wouldn’t have brought him home. That’s a lie, I still would’ve. A car honking saves Grumper. More accurately it saves me from his nasty trick. 

     My life as I knew it was over, but then again it had been over for months now.

Chapter Text

  Act One: Twilight; Chapter Four: Olive

 2005, January 17th, Forks, Oregon, United States

     The minutes went by too quickly. The honking was Jacob and his dad. Tonight was football. The Blacks came with Harry Clearwater’s fish fry every game, and I’m sure Oliver will be bouncing over in twenty minutes. 

    I’m sure I could stay in my room, and try to understand my science homework, but it was useless. Dad would eventually call me down to talk with Jacob, and I’d spend the rest of the night awkward and stiff making small talk. 

    Dad wasn’t an observant person. He didn’t grasp that just because he and Billy were best buddies, Jacob and I weren’t. We were friendly, but not friends. We could have conversations without even speaking, but most of them were just a glance making fun of our dads. A look that said ‘they’re embarrassing’ , and we would chuckle. 

   When my dad would stay overnight at the hospital, I would stay at Jacob’s. He would spend the whole night building me a fort out of dining room chairs, and old sheets. It would annoy his sisters, but he wouldn’t let them take it down. He didn’t enter the fort, knowing I needed to be alone, but he would sleep on the kitchen floor outside. It didn’t matter that his mother, Sarah, had just passed in a car accident and everyone was hurting.       

   Jacob is like that. Caring, soft, selfless. He’s also kind, and a jokester. He loves puzzles and dirt bikes. Jacob is the sun, warm and welcoming. In my Dad’s words, ‘He’s a nice kid.’ I know when we grow up he’ll make a nice man. 

   Maybe that’s why I’ve always liked him, or perhaps it was because he was tall, tan, and witty. He was smart and charming, he had gorgeous long black hair.        

  Running down the wooden stairs and almost falling with my socked feet I smash into his chest. We don’t touch. Sometimes we hold hands when crowded in the city or snuggle on the couch, but the sofa is just broken in the middle. His laughter shocks me, as his arms circle around my back. Jacob Black is hugging me. My brain cannot cope. I think I’m blacking out. “Wow, slow down Iz,” His smile is wide and beautiful. He was the only person to call me that, everyone always called me Beth. Beth and Bella, a pair, but not Jacob, never Jacob . God, please don’t have me be blushing. 

   Looking past Jacob, outside Billy smiled, that knowing smile of his. I’m so blushing, aren’t I? “Hey Bethbug,” most people would describe Billy Black as wise, and cunning. He might not know all, but he knows enough. He totally could tell I liked his son. This was mortifying. 

  “Hi, Uncle Billy. How are you?” We weren’t biologically related, but we were family. I tried to be calm and collected as I stepped out of Jacob’s arms. The smile I gave could win an Oscar.

  Honestly, these next two years till Bella’s off at college, will be award-winning performances. The smile is still on, the performance still going, and somehow I think he knows it’s all an act. 

  There’s a bell twinkle, and I know it’s Oliver’s bike. I owe him candy for saving me. “Hey, little man,” Dad’s mustache twitches. 

    “I’m not late, am I?” Oliver was over-eager and very cute, like a puppy. He had the misfortune of having his sandy blonde hair cut into a bowl shape, pink cheeks, and big hazel eyes. He had tan skin, not as russet as the Blacks, but a nice toffee brown, due to his Hispanic heritage.

   “No, you’re not late. Head inside, kiddo,” Billy directs him. 

    Now is my chance to skip out on the game. Normally I wouldn’t, but I just had to after that hug. I needed to debrief with someone and it couldn’t be Bella. She was as nonchalant as an elephant in a glass shop. “Ollie why don’t you go up to my room, so we could work on your science project,” I’m giving him the eyes. The eyes that scream ‘Go along with it or so help me I’ll burn you alive.’  

    “Don’t you mean, your science project?” Oliver looks confused and I’m sure I look ready to blow up. I can feel my blood rush to my cheeks as everyone looks at me. I love the subtly of ten-year-old boys. They sure know how to help a girl out. 

   “Oliver, go meet me in my room,” I spin around ready to run back up the stairs. 

   “If you’re having trouble with science I could help you. I passed out of all my science credits,” Jacob, oh precious Jacob, offers his big warm hand on my arm. I’m screwed. 

   “Oh no, Oliver is just confused. You don’t have to skip out on the game Jacob,” I elbow Oliver in the shoulder and pointedly stared at him. I’m sure I looked crazy with my goldfish eyes practically burning. 

   Those puppy-dog hazel eyes go wide and I can tell he finally understands, “Y-yeah Jake, I’m just confused about… stuff. You stay here.” Oliver’s eyes never left mine before anyone else started talking, Oliver and I ran to my room slamming the door shut. He giggles as he drops onto my bed, aware of the monster on it. “So, what was that about?” 

    I glare at him, “ What was that about?” I mocked him, making my voice go all high. “You’re awful at reading the signs!” I huffed and plopped down on my butt right there. I didn’t care if my back was against the door, folding my legs into criss-cross-apple sauce. 

   He sticks his tongue out at me. Brat. “Is your mom working tonight?” I ask. 

   “Yeah,” he looks away out my window. Natalie was a night nurse at the hospital. That meant Oliver slept over here a lot. Normally he would just be in Bella’s room and now that she’s here he’s probably worried we won’t let him stay, which is ridiculous because he can just stay in my room with me.

   “You know my sister is back in town?” 

    “How could I not with Charlie yapping about it every ten minutes?” He rolls his eyes, before turning his face away from me. 

   “Good, then we can just share my bed,” I say softly. I knew he thought of my dad like his, just as his mom was somewhat mine. Wayne, his biological father died when he was young. Charlie was one of Wayne’s friends before he developed skin cancer. Later Wayne joined my mom’s support group. Oliver could only remember Charlie as, ‘dad’, even if he never called him that. I knew he was upset with Bella moving in, maybe even more than me. While Bells wasn’t a sister to me, I wasn’t against developing a relationship with her. Oliver outright disliked her even though they had never met. The baby was being dethroned from the most loved in the family.

    He whipped his face back towards me, I thought he might get whiplash. His eyes were glossy, “Really?” 

   “Really,” came pouring out of my lips before I could stop it. Oliver was my brother in all, but blood. I was there to teach him how to ride a bike and will be there when he graduates. Even though I was only three years older than him, he was all but a baby in my eyes. That’s just how we were. I was the only one he could rely on emotionally. He knew I wouldn’t tell him to be strong, he was just a boy, and he shouldn’t have to be. 

    It was okay because I’d be strong enough for us. I was the older one, so I knew I had to be the substantial one. 

  “Downstairs,” He pouts and I knew what he wanted. He loved gossiping, but now that he wanted to talk about it I didn’t. I was weird like that. One second I’d be so full of emotion I could throw up and the next empty. 

   I sigh, chest heaving. “I fell on Jacob.” His eyes were wide and I knew I didn’t phrase that correctly. “No! Get whatever images out of your tiny head. It wasn’t like that!” My neck felt hot and I knew I was bright red. Curse my pale skin. It truly wasn’t fair. 

   “ Ohhh Jacob, my knight and shiny amor. I love you so much and I want to get married ,” He mocked me like I did him. I quickly stood up and started beating him with my pillow. He squirmed trying to get away, “ I want to have your babies and kiss you. Mwah Mwah .” I hit him harder. 

   “SHUT UP!” the walls were thin, and if anyone heard him, I would die. 

   There’s some squeaking. Instantly Oliver and I froze, turning towards my door. I knew I should’ve locked it. Bella peaked her head in, “Mind if I joined you?” Her pouty lips thinned into a smile. 

    “No, um, you can come in. This is Oliver, Oliver Bella.” I shrugged. “Just close the door, please.” She shuts it, stumbling to sit on the edge of the bed without provoking the demon. See, I’m trying. 

   “What were you guys talking about?” Her head tilts sideways. 

    Oliver and I locked eyes and I knew what I had to do. I jumped on him trying to cover his mouth. He screams, moving away, and all this chaos wakes satan up. The fluffy monster attacks Bella’s hair as Oliver screams, “HER CRUSH ON JACO-” Somehow we all fall to the floor with a big thump. 

    “Hey…” an awkward voice coming from my bedroom door. All three of our heads snap up. Lo and behold Jacob Black was looking very amused at us. 

     I am so killing Oliver.

Chapter Text

  Act One: Twilight; Chapter Five: Red

 2005, January 17th, Forks, Oregon, United States

(Billy Black’s POV)

     Billy Black knew he was an old man. He wasn’t quite senile yet, but he was old. He felt old with every sunrise, and every achy joint. He felt old looking at his son. His dimwitted boy. 

    Jacob was his only son and how he loved him, but there was no denying he was dumb. Sure Jake got good grades, in everything besides English, but socially he was stunted. 

   Jake was a simple creature, like most men, they have a set of patterns that they don’t often break. For example, Jacob’s staring. 

   Billy and his wife, Sarah, didn’t raise their children to be rude, but Jake had only gaped at one person. Billy kind of found it funny. Jake’s little chubby cheeks puffed and red as he stared at Lizabeth Swan. 

   At first, Billy thought it was just because she was another baby, but his staring didn’t stop once they got older. It got worse. 

   When Jacob was four he started pointing out everything red. Stop signs, red lights, fire trucks, even apples. The Blacks thought it was cute, for a while but then he started saying ‘Iz’ after sticking his little finger out. They didn’t know what he was talking about until they were at the Swans and innocent little Jake pointed at Lizabeth’s red hair and shouted ‘Iz’. 

   At ten years old Jacob wears red shoes only, he refuses all others. At thirteen he painted their old shed red. 

  Now they’re teenagers, and Jacob's staring hasn’t let up. The kids aren’t close, not that they have ever been, but Billy has seen some of Beth’s glances at Jake. Billy felt it in his bones. With the Cullen living in town, his son will phase, and he will imprint on Beth. They are half of one soul. Even if they do not see it, if no one else sees it, their love makes sense to Billy.

   Lizabeth was a soft soul. There was a bravery to her kindness, not that she was easy to push over. If you poked her too much you’d find yourself facing a bear. 

   Then in the next hour, she’d apologize. Beth wasn’t a prideful person. She was steady and patient like her father but also honest and compassionate like her mother. Jacob needed that if he was going to be the tribe leader. 

   Jacob was life itself.  He was joyful, if not reckless, stubborn, but like every man he was prideful. Like every wolf, he was vigorous and temperamental. Jacob would need someone to push him onto the right path, for his son pitied himself too much to take the road alone. 

    Lizabeth was the only one who had the skills to do it. 

   But Billy was worried. He knew Jacob had a habit of denying himself something he wanted. Even if he did not comprehend he desired it. The truth was in the pudding. 

   In the summers of 1996-2002, Jacob would follow Bella, Beth’s sister, around. For an entire month, it was, “Where’s Iz?” or “What games does she like to play?” and “Do you think her hair is more red or brown? I think it’s more red personally.” 

   Now is a great time for people to understand that having wisdom -common sense- is not genetic.

   Billy was fearful that with Bella returning, Jake would confuse himself again. Only time would tell if Billy’s insight was correct.

   “Go on son,” Billy told Jake. They were once again at the Swans. Beth and Oliver had just run up the stairs leaving Jacob to watch.  

    Jake’s cheeks flushed. “You sure Dad?” 

    With the way he didn’t even turn his head away from the stairs, Billy knew there was no way Jake would stay down here. “I’m sure. Go have fun, leave us old men behind.” 

    Charlie laughed, “Who are you calling old?” 

    THUMP. Yeah, Jake was running up the stairs.

Chapter Text

  Act One: Twilight; Chapter Six: Doe

 2005, January 17th, Forks, Oregon, United States

    “So this is where the party is at,” Jake chuckles showing off the deep little dimple in his cheek.

   I scramble to get off of Oliver and the floor. “W-what party? There’s no party,” my voice goes up in an annoyingly high pitch. 

   “Smooth,” Oliver comments face still down in my red rug. I kick his legs, subtly, I’m so going to set Grumper on him if Grumper doesn’t kill me first.

   “Bella you remember Jake, right?” Bella looks at him shocked to be acknowledged. Why she thinks she is invisible is beyond me.

    “We used to make mud pies when we were little,” Jacob says helpfully. He’s leaning against my door frame, dripping with appeal.  

    “No, no I remember.” I don’t think she does, but, I wasn’t going to bring it up. 

    “You don’t sound sure about that,” Oliver the little brat says. He finally sat up and I hit him the the face with the pillow again. 

    “Oliver you’re being rude,” I hissed at him. He rolled his eyes again. He’s such a Leo. 

   “It’s cool, that’s just Oliver for you,” Jake laughs. Oliver was being mean to Bella and not Jacob, but whatever. “Do you truly need help with your homework?” His warm eyes find mine. They were the color of coffee, dark and bitter brown, but they felt so warm on mine. If I wasn’t so taken aback I would be mortified that he’d seen through my lie. 

   “Um, yeah if you don’t mind,” I whisper. I don’t know why it came out like that, but there was just something in me that knew this was a pivotal moment. 

   That’s how we spent the next couple of hours. Side by side, on the floor with my textbooks around us. Whispers and gentle finger brushes, how he explained physics, shockingly made sense. I think it was all the fantasy books I read. They accomplished unbelievable feats, making it seem like anything was possible. 

   Bella had claimed on the corner by my bed with her book. Oliver had claimed the bed with Grumper. He was playing with his airplane, and Grumper was trying to eat the plane. He kept some clothes, toys, and shoes here in the hallway closet. He didn’t live that far away, just at the very end of the block, but once it gets dark, it gets dangerous.

   Far too soon it was time for the Blacks to leave. “If you’re having problems just let me know, I’m a phone call away,” Jake offered while loading Billy’s chair into the Rabbit.  

   “I’ll have to, no one explained it as well as you did. Thank you.” I shoved my hands in my pockets so I couldn’t fidget with my hair, rocking on my heels.

   “Yeah, it’s no problem. Maybe, you could help me out in English. My grammar could use some work,” He flushed while rubbing his neck. What do they feed people on the rez to make them so beautiful? He wasn’t the only pretty boy from there. Paul Lahote was known as the hottest boy in the vicinity. He was three grades above me in his senior year. Paul was known for being a ‘bad boy’ and shouldn’t be approached.  

  “Yes. I can email you my schedule so we can find time, to study if you want?” Dear heavenly Father, why did you make me so useless? Why did I sound so formal? Amen.

   Thankfully, Jacob laughs and agrees. I ran inside before they fully pulled out of the driveway. No way am I getting attacked by a bear in the dark. 

   Inside Bella was waiting by the bathroom door holding her clothes. “Does Oliver always shower over here before going home?” Bella huffed, she seemed annoyed as she leaned on the wall. She always talked through her teeth when she was mad. I wondered if her dentist has talked to her yet about the damage of grinding your teeth. 

   “What are you talking about? Oliver is staying over. Dad watches over him most nights while his mom’s at work,” I didn’t see what the deal was. As I was informing her, of everything that could be found in her email, she puffed again. “If Ollie is taking forever just bang on the door and he’ll be out.” I swiftly went to my room before she could reply. 

     I got changed into a pair of shorts and one of my mom’s old shirts. It was covered in old paint stains, but it still smelled of her. My mother was taller than me, so it still hung low. There was no sense in me waiting for the shower, by the time I got in, there wouldn’t be any hot water. 

    I couldn’t sleep. Between the monster and Oliver, I didn’t have much room. Oliver always slept like a starfish and Grumper was territorial. Bella was in her room crying, probably thinking the whooshing of the rain covered the sound. Knowing she was upset, made my stomach fall in dismay. I was harsh thinking so bad of her, and laughing when she almost fell. Of course, this was hard on her. Moving across state lines, leaving everything you know to live in a gloomy town. Leaving her mom .

   Tiptoeing out of my room without waking up Oliver was easy. The hard part was getting the hellion off my blankey. It was a light faded brown with a fawn print on it. The brown looked more murky grey with how much use it’s seen. Dad had bought it at the hospital when I was born. I couldn’t sleep without it. I crack Bella’s door open. Her hinges didn’t squeak, because dad had changed them before she came. Her old faded yellow quilt was pulled over her head. I’m sure I looked like a creeper if she could see me. “Can I sleep with you, tonight?” I made my eyes wide to look extra pitiful, but I’m sure I just looked like a blobfish. Good thing she couldn’t see me.

   “Sure,” her voice cracked, and she didn’t uncover her head. I slid in next to her. Waiting for the rain to settle. 

     Bella was a side sleeper who relentlessly kicked me through the night, but I didn’t mind. I slept on my back with my blankey on my eyes blocking the morning fog.  

    I woke up before everyone quietly went down the stairs avoiding the creaky ones, to let Natalie in. She made breakfast for us every morning after her shift. It was her saying ‘ Thank you for watching my son’ . Not that she had to thank us, she’s helped us plenty with errands, such as dry cleaning and grocery shopping. 

   Once I let her in, welcoming her with a hug, I went to the bathroom and plugged in my hair straightener. I hated going to school with my hair natural, even if it ended up in a frizzy mess by the end of the day. My hair was curlier than my mom’s, and I didn’t know how to do it. By the time I was old enough to care about my hair, my mom hadn’t had any. I was young and felt uncomfortable asking her to teach me how to do mine. I’m regretful now. I was naive to think she’d beat cancer twice.

   Facing my reflection, I started creating a list of differences between Bella and me. I couldn’t tell if I liked them or hated them.

    We have the same heart-shaped face, doe brown eyes, and straight eyebrows. We’re both naturally thin and that’s where we stopped being similar. 

   She had a widow’s peak and silky dark brown hair. Her cheeks were naturally rose pink, and she had a button nose. Her skin never broke out in acne even when she was my age. Her features were soft, like a princess. Maybe that’s why she never felt the need to put on makeup. 

   My hair was not silky, and my skin was a shade or two darker, with moles scattered around. My chin was sharper and my cheekbones fuller. My lips were not like her pouty ones, they were uneven with the top being fuller than the bottom. There was a dimple on my right cheek and my nose was straight and thin. While Bella was slender, I was more muscular, but still, I managed to be willowy. I’m even taller than Bella by a few inches. 

   I don’t put on any makeup because my father refuses to buy me anything that isn’t clear chapstick. He says I’m too young, and sometimes I agree. With Bella’s skin being so naturally smooth, I wish I argued a little harder. I’d shovel the driveway for some concealer right now. I didn’t break out too badly, but I had a few red spots coming in on my chin. I didn’t know if I was crazy or if it was a subconscious push by society, that made me feel the need to compare myself with Bella.

   I brushed my teeth, and put my deodorant on, before going back to my room and grabbing out my clothes. “Good morning Bug,” Dad groggly as he went downstairs. 

  “Morning,” I smiled and kissed his cheek as I walked back into the bathroom. I picked out a green T-shirt and blue apple-bottom jeans shorts. They weren’t too short landing just past my mid-thigh, I paired them up with my blue Converse. Knowing it will most likely rain, I throw on my brown zip-up jacket. It had a doe on one side of the zipper and a stag on the other. I found it extremely cute so I didn’t care if it matched. I wore my everyday jewelry of one silver swan ring that took up most of my finger and ladybug earrings. 

   I had to wake Ollie up and feed the demon. “Oliver wake up,” I shook him. “Get up.” He buries his head further into my pillow. I ripped my comforter off him, leaving his bare legs exposed to the cold air. He fell asleep in his sleep shorts because it was ‘too hot’ with a blanket, me, and the beast. It was the fastest way to get him awake. He hates the cold humidity on his legs.

   “I’m up. I’m up,” he sits up his grimy hand still gripping his old torn stuffed bunny. With one job done, I checked on Bella before I had to face the goblin. She might not take as long as me to get ready, but I don’t want her to feel rushed. 

   “Bella,” I poked my head into her room. Thankfully she’s up and putting on her shoes. Brown Converse. Maybe we are more similar than I thought. “Oh, good morning. Natalie is making breakfast if you want some.” Did Bella even know who that is? I figured I could explain later if she wanted to know.

  “Yeah, thanks.” 

   Going back into my room I knew where Grumper would be this time of morning. My wardrobe, eating my shoes. I don’t dare take them away from him. I grab the best invention known to mankind off my nightstand. It was a little red laser I used every day to get him down the stairs so I could feed him something other than rubber and thread.  

   The kitchen had yellow tile walls with warm brown wooden cupboards. It was small, but cozy with dried herbs hanging above the kitchen sink.

    Breakfast had always been a quiet event. Dad hated talking before his coffee, Oliver was extra bratty in the morning and by this point, Natalie would have been awake for over twelve hours. No one would like to talk in that situation. 

   Bella looked stressed as she ate. I forgot she tended to be a control freak. I didn’t know about her life with Renée, but she was always stressed here. Possibly it was because she liked to cook and clean, and she didn’t have to do that with us. Honestly, my sister was Snow White. 

   Dad wished us luck as he put the plates in the sink. I’ll wash them after practice like I do every day. Bella thanked him, as I hugged him goodbye. Oliver jumped to kiss his mom’s cheek and we were out the door with Grumper hissing at our heels.

Chapter Text

Act One: Twilight Chapter Seven: School

 2005, January 18th, Forks, Oregon, United States

    It was drizzling outside, just like I knew it would be, but inside Bella’s truck was nice and dry. It smelled of old tobacco and peppermint. Weird combo, but no one liked smoker breath. The engine was loud, and the heater didn’t work, but I was used to the cold. I liked it, the sting of the bitter air. The red noses it gave people, it was a reminder that we were alive. It felt good. I needed reminding a lot, some days. 

   Mine and Oliver’s bikes clanked where they were secured in the back, thanks to Dad, so Bella didn’t have to wait after school for us. Oliver, I was so proud to say, was part of a debate team. There he professionally bullies people. It was a good release for him. He wasn’t the kind of person to take his feelings out on a punching bag, nor did he run away from them, like me. Sometimes he went too far. I don’t approve of belittling people, but I had to pick my battles, and I chose to make him wear deodorant. 

  Monday-Thursday I have practice, and then on Saturday mornings the team usually gets together and runs. Fridays were for rest and Sundays were used for homework. Monday and Wednesday I caught rides from older teammates to La Push for practice. Our population was so small that all minor extracurriculars had to be conjoined. Anything other than football, and basketball was considered ‘minor’.  

   The Spartans vs Wolves showdown was an ongoing rivalry since before my dad was in school. The basketball games were legendary, and the football were canceled most of the time, due to the weather.   

   Giving Bella directions wasn’t that difficult, though she did take a left at one point when we needed to go right. The school, like almost everything here in Forks, was just off the highway.

   Forks High wasn’t originally built as a school. It was a tiny neighborhood that was converted into one. It had multiple buildings all built out of red brick, one being the elementary school where Oliver attended. It, like everything in Forks, was covered in trees and shrubs.

    Bella parked in front of the office. No one normally parked here as this was where the football team tended to throw balls at lunch. I wasn’t going to tell Bella that. The entire ride her teeth were clinking and her hands lightly shook. I don’t think she noticed and I didn’t want to add to her nerves. “I have to go to the office and get my schedule. Will you be okay getting to class?” her wide eyes found mine, and all I could do was nod. She didn’t give me enough time to form any words before she reluctantly left the car. 

   I took that as a clue to shoo Oliver out of the vehicle.  He was sitting in the middle as this was a one-row truck. Getting our bikes out of the bed was harder than it looked. The asphalt was slick with rainwater, and I was a little too short to get them at a comfortable angle. Eventually, Oliver got impatient and climbed in, he rolled his bike till it fell on the ground with a clonk. “Want me to do yours,” he smirked. He’s such a goblin.

  After getting our bikes locked up, we parted ways. We weren’t as affectionate at school, because we were a little too old for people to consider that normal. But, the way Oliver and I grew up wasn’t normal, and no one wanted to talk about it. 

  It was clear Bella forgot I went to high school with her. Inside, it was brightly lit and warmer than usual. The school is currently doing a biology project on how to preserve the bio life from climate changes, so there are lots of potted plants all around the hallways, offices even some lockers.

   It was a niche cool thing AP seniors were participating in. 

  Bella had taken us to school so early in, an anxious state, and most people weren’t here yet. I headed straight for the gym. Coach Clapp was our gym teacher and didn’t mind if we used the gymnasium if we cleaned up after ourselves. Seeing as I didn’t have friends I spent a lot of my time here. I had people I did projects with, but I never talked to them again. I just didn’t know how to speak to other people. That and the fact that I skipped first grade, and now I’m struggling academically, was embarrassing to admit. I’m either sneaking lunch into the library or eating in the bathroom which is not sanitary. I felt disconnected from my peers like there was an ocean and everyone could swim but me. I was left on the other side with no way to cross.

   I don’t know where the space started with my classmates. It might have been since the beginning when my schedule was so full I didn’t have any spare days to play. I used to spend any waking moment in my old dance studio. I don’t know whether I loved it, for me, or if I did it for my mom. I was passionately talented in those days, but I no longer wish to be the white swan. I didn’t feel innocent or pure with my mother’s death hanging on my shoulders like boulders. Or maybe it was when I became the youngest in the grade, or it could’ve been seven months ago when my mom passed. I didn’t care when it began, but I just prayed that I could get to the other side of that ocean before I graduated. 

    There were only two people I could count as friends. First Emma Mallory, a senior, porcelain-colored blonde girl who bullied me for a while. Until she realized I genuinely had no friends. She then introduced me to a junior, Elijah Crowley. Emma still checked up on me periodically. I thought she was mean at first, but now I know she’s just sharp. 

  Second, was Elijah. He was a cool pretty boy who made the varsity basketball team as an eighth grader. We worked out together. Sometimes we just sat next to each other in silence, but that’s the extent of the friendship. 

  Elijah was in the gym most mornings training. Or at least that’s what he told people. He really just smoked weed outside the gym door. Sometimes he did practice, and I’m hoping today isn’t one of those days, otherwise, I would be roped into it. Not that I could beat him one on one. Other than the fact I’m a runner and have no history in basketball, Elijah was easily 6’1 and was one of the lankiest people I’ve ever seen. His hand could cover my entire face, no joke. 

   Thankfully he was there, not smoking, but not training either. “Heyyyy,” okay so he smoked. 

   I laughed as I waved at him. He knows I’m only thirteen and that my dad is a cop, so he never smoked around me. Mostly it was paranoia that my dad could smell it on me. We had an hour until class started. Should I use that time to study, probably, am I going to, no. I walked over and plumped down on the floor uncaring if I looked like a toddler while doing so. Elijah wouldn’t judge me if I did. He was like a soft grounding touch, gentle and peaceful. Elijah was a morning sun breeze, that you can’t not find relaxing. At least off the court, when he’s on it he becomes the most cocky big mouthed player in history. Everyone went to the games and everyone could hear him crap-talking away. 

   Basketball was his life. It was as important as the air he breathed. We didn’t talk about it, but I knew he thought of basketball as a way out of Forks. Elijah was born out of an affair between his dad Anthony Crowley and Maree Biers. His mother left back to her husband, and other son, Riley, when Elijah was only two. It was the talk of the town for years. Anthony didn’t cope well, leaving Elijah to be mostly raised by his aunt and uncle. 

   We were like the same coin but on different sides. Each with a half-sibling and only one parent. Though he differently had the worse side, we found a quiet understanding within each other. 

  “What’s up,” he sighed a little while digging snacks out of his bag. 

  “The sky,” I whispered. I don’t know why I feel miserable now. Maybe it’s just the dread of knowing that Bella will be well-liked almost instantly, without even trying. It was a tough pill to swallow and I desperately hope I didn’t choke on it. Bella was effortlessly better than I was.

   “Bro,” he deadpaned. Elijah closed his pretty green eyes and almost missed shoving his chips into his mouth. 

  “I don’t know. Can’t I just be an angsty teen?” I huffed looking away to the entrance. He doesn’t press it. That’s what I love about him, if I didn’t want to talk he wouldn’t either.

  I checked my watch. It was a thin old-fashioned leather piece that came from my mom’s dad, and his dad before him, and so on. He didn’t have any sons so he passed it to her, then to me. Forty-five minutes till I had AP algebra. How I got into AP courses was beyond me. 

    “If my sister moved back here, I would still be your favorite Swan right?” I asked after a few moments of quiet. His face turned towards me and the buzz of the AC faded into the background. I didn’t want pity, for anything, but especially for being an insecure teenager, but I just had to ask. 

    I knew Dad wasn’t trying to make me feel like I wasn’t there. It was just exciting to have Bella here when he never had that before. But he had decorated her room and included pictures she drew for him as a kid. I don’t even think he kept mine. He remembered that Bella liked mushroom ravioli and hated fantasy books, but he never remembered that I liked apples, and always bought me oranges. Maybe he was too busy making up the time with Bella that he forgot to be my Dad too.

  I let it go every time, it’s normal, people forgot ordinary things, and ordinary people. I’m a plain person, but it stung, and it made my eyes tingle.

  Elijah grabbed my smaller hand, holding it tightly, grounding me, “You’d always be my favorite person in this town.” He said it with such fever, it rang like a promise in my ears. 

   “Pinky-promise,” I barely spoke the words. It felt heavy like we were making vows to one another, but also a secret. No one should know, or hear, that would break the magic surrounding us.

  “Promise,” and just like that we went back to hearing the buzz. 

   When the warning bell rang I threw my backpack on. It was a sea blue, and on the one strap that I was allowed to wear, both straps meant you were a loser, it had an olive green caterpillar embroidered on it. It didn’t matter that only having one strap caused back pain, I found that out the hard way. Emma had no problem telling me about it. 

   Existing the gym much faster than Elijah, I accidentally bumped into a wall. A very cold wall, except it wasn’t a beige brick wall. It was Emmet Cullen standing with his girlfriend and foster sister, Rosalie Hale. It was weird. They were weird. Super human gorgeous, and loners. They weren’t a loner like me, they were cool, and they isolated themselves on purpose. “I-I’m so sorry. Excuse me,” I ran. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. 

    The Cullens had moved here a year ago, and this was my first time going to the same school as them. I had only previously met their foster father Carlisle. He was a doctor at the hospital. 

  They were popular, and a complete mystery to everyone. Most wanted to find out what they were hiding, but not me. They freaked me out, like a chill in my bones I couldn’t shake, freak out.  For one thing, Rosalie looked nearly identical to my mom, and they didn’t eat anything, nor did they talk to anyone. I knew school lunch was nasty and eating disorders existed, but none, except Alice, looked like they could have one. 

   I think the one that scared me the most was Jasper Hale, Rosalie’s twin brother. He always looked in pain, and I overheard some seniors talk about how Jasper was passionate about the Civil War, and not the North’s side of it. 

  I had no little problems with Emmett. He was kind of funny at the school-mandated assemblies, but some instinct of mine screamed at me every time we were in the same room. 

  It was that same nagging voice that warned me when Alice jumped around the hallways like I was in danger by being near her. The worst of them though was her biological brother, Edward. Edward was a brute. He wasn’t as big as Emmett, but he just had this dark aura around him. 

  Despite never speaking to him, Edward made my gut light on fire. Not in a ‘he’s so cute!’   way but in anger. The kind of anger my mother’s pastor warned me about.  He had a dumb face, not that I believe he was dumb, but a face that made you feel dumb. It was like he could read everyone’s mind and you’re the slow one that couldn’t catch up to him. He thought he was above you.

  There was one thing I couldn’t stand, and it was pride. Pride had an amazing side to it, heck, I was proud of Oliver for getting an A on his test, but it was a slick slope.   

   Unfortenly, even though, the Cullens were captivating people, they were pretentious. That in truth made them ugly.

Chapter Text

 Act One: Twilight Chapter Eight: Smoke

 2005, January 18th, Forks, Oregon, United States

     The rest of the morning passed in the same fashion as always. I sat in the middle of the room, not too far in the front, and not in the back. A safe middle. No one talked to me and I wrote my notes as fast as possible. One of these days I needed to bring a tape recorder. 

     After my second class, I ran into Bella in the hallway, her jaw slacked in recognition. My stomach tightened, and I felt bad for not showing her around, but it wasn’t like she asked or remembered I was at the same school. 

    Bella grabbed my arm two classes later. I was at my locker switching out my books before I headed to the library. Her cold hand tightened on my jacket sleeve so I couldn’t escape. She was using my body to shield her from the curly brunette girl she was walking with. I couldn’t remember her name or her grade. “This is my sister, Beth.” Okay, using me as a scapegoat is lovely.

   “Hi, nice to meet you,” I smile politely not offering my hand, because I wasn’t going to shake hands. I loathed it and couldn’t trust people to wash their hands. 

   The girl’s name was Abaigal and she was a junior, like Bella. We made small talk about our favorite courses and such till Abaigal pulled us with her to the end table with several people. I recognized a few, such as Lauren Mallory, Emma’s younger sister, Eric Yorkie, Tyler Crowley, Elijah’s cousin, and Jessica Stanley, who had been trying to get me on the Volleyball team since September. I was fairly decent at volleyball, my serves sucked, but I had fast reflexes and made a perfect libero.

  It was in here, sitting in the lunchroom, trying to find an excuse to leave, that Bella first saw the Cullens. 

  They were sitting in the corner of the cafeteria, far from where we were, but they couldn't get far enough to soothe me. They weren’t talking or eating like always. My hair stood up on my neck, and my skin was crawling, I needed to make an excuse to leave, and fast. “Who are they ?” Bella asked. She hadn’t even turned her head away from them, but I knew she was talking to me, with the way she swashed my hand.

   Edward looked our way, almost making eye contact with me, and then he looked away. Bella’s cheeks turned even pinker as she dropped her head finally looking away from them. 

   As Jessica started talking an arm graced my shoulders, startling me. I looked up to Elijah shoving Tyler and sitting beside me. My eyes were wide and I had to keep my jaw shut consciously. We didn’t do this. We weren’t friends, not real ones who AOL each other, let alone eat lunch together. “What are you doing?” I whispered trying not to interrupt Bella and Jessica’s conversation. I don’t think I could’ve with how Bella looked fervently back at the Cullens. 

   “I saw you here looking like a spooked deer, and I made a promise,” he shrugged. His arm was still over my shoulders and his face was close to mine. I felt soft, all my nervous feelings left me. The voice that called up my fight or flight instinct quietened. His eyes looked at everyone and anything blankly and cold softened at me. “Let’s get you out of here, yeah?” 

  “Yes, please,” Gently as possible I weaseled my hand free to grab my bag off the floor before he led us outdoors. I was thankful the rain had stopped and that Bella was too preoccupied to stop us. As we reached the door I asked, “Are you sure about this?” I couldn’t not doubt it. Friendship wasn’t in my cards, at least right now, even if I wished it were, I was a hot mess of being sad and happy. I needed to dedicate a weekend to figure out how that could be, or maybe talk to Dr. Jackson more.

  “What, eating lunch with you?” He chuckled keeping his head straight, not even looking at me while the cold wind hit our faces.

   I bit my lip thinking over what I wanted to say. I finally settled for the truth. I wasn’t a liar, nor could I think of a way to rephrase it, “About being my friend.” He stopped walking, turning around so I no longer saw his back, but his face. He didn’t look soft or blankly at me anymore, but his lips thinned and his jaw flexed, as he sat on the metal benches outside. Hot scorching embarrassment flooded me. That was the wrong thing to say, wasn’t it? 

   “Sit down, stupid.” He huffed adjusting his blue and yellow leatherman jacket. I, of course, sat down next to him. It was embarrassing how quickly I did it, but I would not be going around kicking a horse in the mouth. 

   We sat in silence for a while. It didn’t bother me. If he didn’t want to talk neither did I. I was starting to think that quietness was our thing. He knocked his knee into mine, still staring at the trees. “You want to know why I made that promise?” His feet started bouncing like they do on the court except he didn’t look like he was about to shoot a hoop. His skin which was far lighter than his cousin’s, but still a rich brown, was turning green by the second, and his eyes were flickering back and forth. I nodded my head too scared to speak. “Over Fall break, my dad caught me at home with a boy. It was all anyone could talk about, and I’m not going to lie, I got my ass beat. By my dad, my teammates, hell even people I didn’t fucking know. But you, you never said anything. You didn’t even acknowledge that people were calling me a faggot, you still treated me the same,” he laughed, and I could tell it was in self-deprecation. His head hung low in disgrace, but he shouldn’t feel like that. 

   I grabbed his hand, holding it so tight my knuckles turned white. “You’re not that nasty word. You’re ‘Lijah- the guy who has lovely braids and the person who always has snacks. You’re the best player that team has ever had,” the words came out so fast and eager I was taken aback by myself, but I couldn’t stop there. “You’re thoughtful, and my new best friend, so you have to be nice to yourself.” 

   “Oh, bestfriend, am I?” He looked at me through his wet lashes. I could tell he was trying to make this an easygoing conversation, but this was a heavy topic, filling our lungs with smoke. “Why didn’t you say anything?” His voice cracks, and so does my heart. 

   “I disagreed with what they were saying. Who cares if you like boys? I do too, it’s not world-important news,” I shrugged like it was no big deal, but it was, hot righteous anger filled my body, but so did guilt. I should've said something. I should've stood up for up. I hated arguments, but I should've argued tooken a stand, next to the only person who’s been nice to men upfront. I would need to do better next time. I had to.

   “If I’m your best friend, you’re mine too,” he smiled, wiping his eyes. 

   “Well I am your favorite person so I’d assume so,” I joked trying to lighten the mood. I will be forever grateful to him for being my first friend, Oliver does NOT count, I will thank God for Elijah, and pray no one hurts my friend. If some idiot did, my father is the Chief of Police. I'm sure I'd get away with it. 

    “I’m your favorite too, right?” He jokes right back, looking like his easygoing self again. This was nice. Jesting, talking, maybe silence didn’t have to be our only thing. 

     “Yes,” My cheeks hurt from smiling at him with all my teeth. I felt warm even as the harsh wind blew my hair into my face, my lungs no longer felt trapped. If this was what friendship felt like I never would feel the cold again.

Chapter Text

     Hey guys! Firstly, I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who gave this a read, a kudo, or a comment! It means so much to me, you have no idea. Secondly, I also want to thank you for being patient with me. I am very impulsive, and I'm doing a massive rewrite with how I want this fic to turn out. Most of my ideas from before (I won't lie) were really half-assed and not well thought-out. I'm hoping to do better and dedicate more time to this, with me having some days off this upcoming Wednesday and Thursday. I'm also trying to add more detail and hopefully make this longer. I just finished with the preface, prologue, and chapter one! I'm hoping to get caught up this way, so I can upload the final version. I promise this time it will be final!! Anyway, thank you all again!!!!! Take this as a reminder to always take care of yourself and stay in school. NEVER and I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH NEVER work at a Movie Theater. lol love you guys bye<333333

Chapter Text

      Heyyyy guys!!! I've rewritten chapters 1-3 completely, and I am currently writing chapter 4. I know I said I'd get it done like two weeks ago, but inspiration didn't come. I hate writing when I'm not in the mood, because then everything I write is garbage. However, I only have three more shifts at my current job then I am free. I quit if it wasn't clear lol. I am going back to school in the fall, lol, so I quit that and a lot of other stuff y'all don't want to know about. I am trying my best to make the chapters more detailed, so please be patient. I am slowly but surely getting it done. Once I'm over my movie theater burnout and clean my house (as my family can't keep anything clean at all), I will write NEW chapters, not just rewrite. I just wanted to update you guys, and if you'd like, I could update what I've rewritten and take down my old chapters. Anyway, let me know in the comments... LOVE YAYYYYY<<333333

Also, why didn't anyone tell me (more importantly, why didn't I see it) that Lizabeth is whiny af omg. Every two lines, it's Bella this, I'm a loner that, like, we get it, shut up. 

Chapter Text

hey pookies i am so sorry this is taking forever !!! i appreciate all the love and support this isnt abandoned, i am just working two jobs and going to school so a girlie is busyyyyyy. however my second job is at night so ill be able to work on this a lot more in the up coming days. they (my mangers) really dont care what i do as long as i am awake sooooo its either write or play sims (sims 3 is superior and i will die on that hill) sooo the AN: kinda makes since since a diva (I'm diva) has been down (life is sucky as all hell and everything is going to shit plus the cops killed my cousin sooo wtf i mean he was guilty i dont disbelieve that for a sec but come on its not like he napped another grown man again it was really only the once) but i am slowly coming back from rock bottom (retail job lol) with the help of "The Climb" by Miley Cryus aka the best motivational song ever and "Cocky AF" by Megan Thee Stallion bc thats the best hype song of all time ! so essentially expect updates ! also sorry for so much slang and brain rot ive been up for almost 38 hours straight and i think im slowly becoming a vegetable. and trust if i do id wanna be cauliflower bc thats my all time fav ! anywayz sorry for this bc ik yall want some more stuff and ive been poof in the wind i really do feel bad :(((((((( comment what vegetable youd wanna be and see you guys soon all my love and wise words of avoid cops see you next time and be safe out there<33333333

 P.S. i might have another project coming *side eye emoji* 

p.s.s im on my laptop so pls don't laugh at the "*side eye emoji*' 

p.s.s.s i also broke my fucking tooth so i just the ao3 curse is finally catching up to me bc wtf do you mean ive never had a cavity but i broke a tooth on chocolate moose too of all things ???!!!! any way sorry for traumizing yall like this but i cope with humor so if i dont laugh i will yeet myself off a cliff (did i really just say yeet like we are back in 2018 like omg pookie pull it together) 

Chapter Text

just got home because I got in a car accident. I cannot afford this and I'm probably gonna get a ticket and wind up in jail lol I'm so sorry y'all i wish i was kidding

I literally had just written a chapter toooo nvm yall your girl is going to get even busier with yk a court date and so much bills to pay so i'm sorry i think the shock is wearing off bc im starting to feel pain in my shoulder hands and knees so im currently writing as a way to tell my brain that just bc im hurting doesn't mean im dying or needs checked out bc im american if you couldn't tell and after the damage i wont be able to afford literally anything else especially not medical bills