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Chapter Text

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.
James 1:14–15

When Yunho had walked into that club, alone, he had not expected anything. He had never been to a gay club before. He had talked himself into risking it, into trying it, so he could see that it was not for him and just something he had idealised in his brain. It would just be like a normal club, where people got drunk and danced, right?

It had taken one minute for him to be proven wrong. One minute, before a man had offered to buy him a drink. Yunho had felt like he had a neon sign on his head advertising his inexperience, like he was sticking out like a sore thumb and everyone could smell his nerves from a mile away. He had declined the drink offer until another one came, then another. Like moths to the flames, men seemed to be attracted to the new face, and Yunho felt overwhelmed, but also flattered and a bit confused. He smiled and shook his head politely, then he ordered a drink for himself just to have something to do with his hands. He looked around, at the men dancing together, at the dancers on platforms wearing next to nothing, their muscular bodies shimmering under the colourful lights. He looked away. He didn’t belong there, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to leave. For once in his life, he was amongst people like him. 

He didn’t really know what to do. His plan had ended with getting to the club and gathering the courage to walk in, but now that he was there, he wasn’t sure what to do next. He sat at the bar, his eyes scanning the crowd, marvelling at how normal most of these people looked, wondering if they were also tormented by their own conscience once they stepped out in the daylight. Anxiety was devouring him from the inside. He felt like a child who had run away from home. He was terrified of meeting someone he knew, terrified of his parents finding out, terrified of their disgust and disappointment. 

That was when he saw him. 

Of all the things that he had predicted could have gone wrong that night, he had not imagined this would be one of them. He had not expected to make eye contact with the most beautiful man he had ever seen, and he would have never imagined this man to walk up to him and talk to him, let alone inviting him to dance. The man extended his hand towards him, a pretty smile on his handsome face, a perfect symphony of soft dimples and sharp cheekbones, hard edges and plump lips. Like he was in a dream, Yunho watched as his own hand reached back. 

His name was San. A very fitting name, Yunho thought, as he followed his broad shoulders to the dance floor. He was not too tall, but he was broad, built and strong. He was wearing a leather vest with nothing underneath, and Yunho could not stop staring as the lights moved on the glistening skin of his arms. The music was so loud, they had barely talked, exchanged names, ages, before they had started dancing, and that could have been two hours or five minutes ago, Yunho could not tell. All he knew was that they had gotten closer and closer, pushed together by an invisible force, like a magnet that made it impossible to move away.

- You’re a good dancer - San said, leaning towards him to speak into his ear. Yunho felt the movement of his lips against his earlobe, his breath against his skin.

- I like the way you move your hips - he added. His hands slowly moved down Yunho’s chest and on his sides, almost unbearably warm, so warm he could feel his touch under his clothes. When San grabbed his hips and pulled him closer, Yunho felt like he was about to burst into flames. 

-Thank you - he said, weakly, unsure if San could even hear him at all. It didn’t really matter. San was guiding his hips slowly, no space between them, and Yunho felt slightly embarrassed because he knew San could tell his body was reacting so fast to something as simple as dancing. San licked his lips. He was shorter than him, and he had to tilt his head up to look at him, yet his presence felt imposing, like his dark eyes were nailing Yunho in place. He looked so beautiful, too beautiful to be real and to be in his arms. Even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light, his mother would tell him, lecturing him about sins and temptations. Yunho had always thought of them as abstract concepts. Sin, in his experience, was something already inside of him that he had to hide and fight; temptation was already in his thoughts, in his secret desires. But there was nothing abstract about San, about the way his hands were grabbing him, or the heat emanating from his skin. He was real, and he was there, and perhaps he was sin, or temptation, or the devil himself, but Yunho’s guilt and fear were not enough to push him away. Just this once, he would let himself have this.
He had been with men before, quick shameful encounters that had left him feeling dirty, but this was different. This was no rushed sex in the back of a car. This was sweet wine in the back of Yunho’s throat, it was electricity at his fingertips and fire inside his belly. It was anticipation and fear, like he was standing at the edge of a cliff, ready to jump. 

- Would you like to go somewhere else? Maybe come over to my place? - San asked. He was so close, and he smelled so nice, and his smile was so sweet, in contrast with the anticipation in his voice. Yunho just nodded, his words stuck in his throat. He had never wanted anything more. San’s hand ran across his chest, he touched his neck and pulled his face closer. The gentle kiss he left on his lips left Yunho completely stunned.

- Let’s go then, handsome - San said, words spoken against his mouth, and Yunho felt them reverberating through his entire body.

He followed San through the crowd like a dumb puppy. He felt dazed, like he was floating, the music and lights making it all feel like a dream, and maybe it was. He was supposed to feel bad about this. He was supposed to feel scared of the repercussions, but the consequences of the night felt too far to be real. What was real were San’s fingers intertwined with his, the warmth of his hand, the tickling he still felt on his lips after they had kissed, and the furious pounding of his heart in his chest.

The street was quieter than the club, but Yunho still felt conscious of all the revellers and passers-by who would see him holding a man’s hand, but he didn’t let it go and neither did San.

- Taxi should be here soon - San said. His voice was nice. His face, even under the streetlight, was nice.#

- Do you live far? - Yunho asked, and San chuckled.

- Eager, baby boy? - he asked, softly, playing with Yunho’s fingers. Yunho felt his face warm up.

- No! I mean yes. But that’s not what I meant - he stuttered, and San laughed again, dimples in full display. Yunho thought again about the angels and temptations and how could something so beautiful be dangerous?

- You’re cute - he said, looking up at him - You seem nervous.

- I am. A bit - Yunho admitted.

- Why?

- I don’t do this very often. More like… ever - he said.

- “This” being? 

- I don’t go out a lot - Yunho said, and San tilted his head. He looked a bit like a cat, and Yunho had to bite his tongue not to say it.

- I should consider myself very lucky, then - he smiled.

Yunho wanted to kiss him again. He wanted to kiss him until he stopped being nervous, until he could not think about anything else.

The taxi pulled over and San opened the door for him. When they climbed into the backseat, their legs were touching and the silence in the car felt heavy, charged. San shifted a bit closer to him.

- So, do you work? Study? - he asked. He was still looking at him intently, and Yunho, normally extroverted and confident, was struggling to reciprocate the eye contact.

- I am a dentist - Yunho said - I work in my dad’s practice.

- Oh? A dentist? - San smiled - I would have never guessed.

- Why? Don’t I look like one?

- No. You are way too handsome to be a dentist.

- That’s what all my old lady clients say - Yunho smiled, and San laughed again.

- And they are right! I bet your business is thriving, maybe I should become your patient, too - he said.

- Sure, I’ll give you a discount - Yunho smiled.

- I am a personal trainer - San said, after a moment - And I teach martial arts.

- Oh wow, cool - Yunho stuttered, awkwardly - You must be really fit, then. And strong.

San laughed, leaning with his head against Yunho’s shoulder.

- You are so cute.

Yunho didn’t know what he had said or done that was cute, but if that made San laugh, then he would keep going. San kept touching him, leaning in his space, their legs rubbing against each other. He was all around Yunho in a way that was making him feel both intoxicated and grounded.

He had no clue how long the drive lasted. He was not familiar with the area, and a small voice in his brain was trying to remind him to be safe, that he had followed a complete stranger to an unknown part of town, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. They didn’t talk much as they climbed out of the car and into the street. San led him through the door of an apartment complex and then into the lift. When the door closed behind them, San stepped closer to him, facing him.

- Hey - he said, touching his arm.

- Hey.

- Are you still nervous? - San asked, softly.

- A little - Yunho whispered back.

- We can take it slow, if you’d like. We don’t have to do anything - San said, studying his face.

- I want to - Yunho said, perhaps too quickly, and San smiled.

- Okay. Me too.

San rose on his tip toes and gently pressed their lips together. Yunho’s hands found his top and this time he was the one to pull him closer. He felt on the brink of something great. A monumental change, a jump in the dark. He didn’t care, he was hungry, he was desperate for it. San smiled against his mouth and deepened the kiss, taking charge, pushing him against the elevator wall.
Yunho had never done drugs but he felt like kissing San was the closest to being high he would ever feel. His brain was floating somewhere above his head, his hands were moving of their own accord, his mouth was chasing San’s like that was all it was made for. The elevator dinged and the doors opened, and San let out a soft laughter as he gently pulled himself away from Yunho.

- Hey, I don’t need the granny that lives in the flat next to mine to have a heart attack if she sees me like this - he smiled, breathless, his pretty lips full and swollen and red.

San grabbed his arm and dragged him out and towards one of the doors in the corridor, then inside a small apartment, but Yunho had no time to look around. San pounced on him like something almost feral, but his hunger did not make Yunho afraid of him. His hunger felt like being wanted, desired, needed. San kissed him and kissed him, his tongue hot inside Yunho’s mouth. He kissed him against the door, and against the wall, and while walking to the bedroom. He kissed him as he took Yunho’s shirt off and then his own, and as he pushed him down on the soft bed.
His body was a work of art. Yunho was reminded of the statues he had seen in Rome as a teenager when he had travelled there with his family. Saint Sebastian pierced by arrows, his beautiful body twisted, his begging eyes turned to Heaven. Christ on the Cross, too beautiful to be a man, too real to be a sculpture, but his presence palpable. Back then, he had stared at the chiselled muscles and the grooves of the marble in awe, nearly expecting them to move. Were they made by man or by the hand of God himself? And why did he feel the same now, staring at the perfect body of this man who was on top of him, sinful, wrong, beautiful?

- Wow. You look… wow. - Yunho said, raising on his elbows to look at San, who was straddling him.

- Thank you - San replied, almost bashfully, his shyness endearing given the way he looked - You look very nice, too.

He leaned on him, kissed his neck, his shoulder, his chest. His mouth was warm and soft and gentle, and Yunho arched his back to meet his lips. San was touching him everywhere, his hands light as a feather, leaving a trail of fire on their passage.

- So pretty… Your skin is so nice - San whispered, against his collarbone, before gently biting it. Yunho let out a soft whimper. He loved being called pretty, he realised. San looked up at his face, and he smiled, knowingly, before going back to kissing and touching him, relentless, hungry.
San’s fingers hesitated for a moment, hovering above the rosary Yunho had around his neck.

- I like this, it suits you - he said.

Yunho watched as San’s fingertips gently slid over the black beads, ten, one, ten, one, then down, down to the cross, a movement Yunho himself had done many times, a movement he had watched many people do, but not like that, never like that. The reverence in San’s eyes had nothing to do with praying, and yet it didn’t feel any less sacred. San picked up the small cross, studied it with his eyes and his fingers, then placed it gently back on Yunho’s chest, completely unaware he had just forever changed its meaning.

- Could you kiss me again? - Yunho asked, in a choked breath. He needed something to distract him from the burning feeling of that cross on his bare skin.

San complied, and his lips found Yunho’s immediately, soft and urgent and needy.

- Tell me what you like. I’m up for anything- San said, straight into his mouth - I’d do anything with you, you’re fucking gorgeous.

Yunho let out a soft whine. His wanting was suffocating, he needed more, more, more.

- I… I don’t know - he breathed - I don’t have… I don’t have a lot of experience. I’m sorry.

He felt silly, exposed, but also incapable of lying.

- Nothing to be sorry about. What makes you feel good?

Those words, breathed against his lips, seemed to flow through him, directly into his bloodstream. He couldn’t think of anything else that was not San, his body pressed solidly against his own, his hands digging into him. One of his legs was now in between Yunho’s thighs, and he smiled as he started pressing it against him.

- I… want to… touch you - he said, his voice low, and San nodded and pressed his leg harder against him. Another whine escaped Yunho’s lips, he felt on fire.

- Of course, baby, you can touch me anywhere you want - San said.

Yunho let San kiss him again. He would let him do anything, he decided. His hips, almost moving on their own accord, started pushing back against San’s leg. He needed more friction, more contact, more. He didn’t even care about looking desperate, because he was desperate, to have him, to please him, to be good for him.
Yunho could feel him against his leg, hard. His breath hitched, it was nearly incredible how good it felt, when they had barely done anything and both were still wearing clothes. He was hard too, painfully so. Yunho let his hands slide on San’s back, he felt the muscles under his fingertips, warm and soft, and not marble, real. He tentatively dug his nails into his shoulders, and San groaned softly and bit his neck. The feeling of his teeth sinking into his skin made Yunho see stars, and he bared his neck more. He felt San smile against his throat, then another bite, this time harder.

- What would you like for me to do to you? - San asked. His voice, still deep and soft, sounded slightly strained.

- Everything. Anything. I… I want you inside. Please - he said, his face burning in shame, but desire had made his tongue loose and the words had come out before he could think.

- Oh - San said, a half smile on his lips. The hunger was back, he looked ready to eat him whole.

- If you want, if you’re not comfortable we don’t have…

- Why would I not be comfortable fucking a gorgeous man so hard he’ll still be thinking about me next week? - San interrupted him. His voice was a low growl that made Yunho whine and arch his back again.

- Oh, you like that? Being dominated a bit? - he asked. Finally, he started palming him above his trousers, slowly.

- Do you like that, pretty?

Yunho nodded furiously and San smiled again.

- Great, noted. Now let me make you feel good, baby - he said. Yunho tried not to focus on the pet name, he could not add something else to the list of things that would torment him after this was over.

San bit his pecs, his stomach, his nipples. He was not rough, but not gentle, either. The drag of his teeth on Yunho’s skin felt delicious, and he hoped he would leave marks all over him. He would likely never see him again, but he wished he could have something tangible to remember him by for at least a few more days. San undid Yunho’s jeans, he pulled them down hastily, and in a moment, Yunho was naked under him. Had he ever been completely naked with a man? He wasn’t sure. Certainly, he had never felt this exposed. The only thing left on his body was the shiny rosary around his neck.

- God, you’re perfect - San said. He was kneeling at the end of the bed, looking at him with fire and anticipation in his eyes. Yunho looked away, his face was burning, his heart was pounding. San’s hands ran along his legs, they squeezed his thighs as he spread them wider. San was looking at him like he was the most beautiful thing, like a delicious meal after days of hunger, and it was so much, Yunho could barely stand it. San leaned onto him, started kissing the soft skin of his inner thigh, and Yunho whined, he couldn’t help it. No one had ever kissed him there. San licked and sucked on his skin, a relentless effort to slowly break him apart. He bit him, harder than before, and Yunho’s hands flew to his hair.

- You can pull it, if you’d like - San smirked, and he didn’t wait for an answer before attacking his thigh again, purple bruises blooming under his pretty lips.

- Please - Yunho moaned, but he was not sure what he was begging for.

- Can I suck you off, pretty? - San whispered, licking his lips. He was so close to his dick that Yunho could feel the soft touch of his breath.

- Yeah. Yes. Please - he begged.

San took him in his hand first. He was looking at him with hooded eyes, studying his reactions. He moved slowly, his fingers tight, but not enough, and Yunho opened his mouth to beg again, but the words died in his throat when San’s tongue touched him. It was a feeling he could not explain, a pleasure he had never imagined he could experience. San wrapped his mouth around him, hot and wet, and he did not break eye contact as he lowered himself on him. Yunho rolled his eyes, falling back on the pillow behind him, his fingers wrapped in San’s hair.

Yunho had been warned many times. Sin looks beautiful. Sin looks tempting and attractive, it looks easy. He swallowed, his mouth dry, his chest tight with anxiety and a sense of shame that ran deep inside of him, rooted in his soul. He had been warned, and yet he could not stop. He would make amends later, deal with God another time, beg for forgiveness if he needed to, because it had taken him one moment to understand it all, to understand the lure of the forbidden fruit, the temptation of the serpent, the whisper of something stronger than himself right into his ear and into his brain, venom slithering into his veins like the most potent drug. He understood how people would risk everything for a short moment of bliss, because he had never felt closer to God than in that moment, in San’s bed, pulling his hair, feeling him everywhere around him.
San was sucking him harder now, moaning softly against his sensitive skin, and Yunho could feel the vibrations go through him, like pure electricity.

- San… Please, wait - he muttered, when he felt too close to the edge, and San stopped, looking at him with a grin.

- You good, baby? Next time I will let you come in my mouth, I promise - he said. Yunho just looked at him, dumbfounded, unsure if San was only speaking out of lust or if he really meant it, both the promise or the “next time”. San chuckled, and he quickly took off his trousers, leaning towards the bedside table and looking for something in it. Yunho closed his eyes again, focusing on his breathing, trying to ignore the thoughts of how he must look spread out like that - naked, hard, desperate. He wondered if San liked seeing him like that, all open and ready for him. Did he think he was hot? Pretty?

- Jesus Christ, look at you - San groaned, and Yunho finally looked at him only to find him naked, stroking himself, a bottle of lube in his free hand. He looked perfect.

- You said I could touch you - Yunho whined, sounded more bratty than anticipated, and San raised his eyebrows, a wicked smile on his lips.

- I did, didn’t I? - he grinned. He poured some lube on his hand, his eyes never leaving Yunho’s face as he spread the clear liquid over his hard dick, and Yunho felt completely hypnotised by the sight. San crawled on top of him, his hands on both sides of Yunho’s head on the pillow, and Yunho did not even have time to think before San rolled his hips, the slide of his lubed dick absolutely delicious against him. He arched his back, moaning softly, and San kissed his jaw, licking a stripe on his skin.

- You can touch me - he whispered, and Yunho looked down at the point where their bodies were meeting, the lewd sight making his dick twitch against San’s. Yunho wrapped his hand around them both, and San gasped softly in his ear. He could feel that San was fighting against himself not to move and fuck into his fist, so he tightened his fingers, his chest swelling with pride as the other man’s body reacted to his touch.

- Your hands are so big. Fuck - San groaned, and his hips stuttered as he moved against him. Yunho twisted his wrist, pleasure making him feel confident, and he dared to move faster, his eyes trained on San’s face, his sounds and breathy whispers feeling like the sweetest honey in his mouth. San started moving his hips, thrusting into his hand, and Yunho could not wait any longer, he needed to feel him inside, he needed everything.

- Please, please. I need… - Yunho gasped, whiny and needy - Fuck me, please.

- Oh my God - San muttered - Yes. Yes, of course.

He knelt back, his pupils blown wide as he looked at Yunho like he was ready to devour him, and Yunho was sure his body had never felt this hot, he had never felt like a single touch could make him fall off the highest precipice. Where was his fear now, his shame? Need and desire had made him careless, and he wanted, he wanted so desperately.
San poured more lube on his hand, and he licked his lips, rubbing his fingers together, with a care and attention that was making Yunho feel almost frustrated. He did not need San to be nice and caring, he needed San to use him and call him pretty and bite him all over.

- Please - he whined, spreading his legs, holding his hands out to lure him closer.

- Fuck, baby, you’re driving me crazy - San whispered, as he moved in between Yunho’s thighs and grabbed one of them to raise his hips towards him. He was so strong, he almost lifted Yunho like he was weightless. When San’s finger pushed inside of him, Yunho tried to relax. He had done this to himself before and he had done it with other people when he had had the courage to ask, but he had never felt like that. Maybe that was because Yunho had never wanted anything so much. San started moving slowly, his eyes fixed on Yunho’s face, and Yunho felt impatient, more desperate, and he started moving his hips to meet his hand, his own fingers tight around the bunched up sheets at his sides. It felt like an eternity before San inserted another finger inside of him, then another. Yunho loved the sting, his hips moving desperately. The sounds that were escaping his throat felt like they belonged to someone else, he had never heard himself like that, he probably never would again.

- I am ready - he said, his voice trembling. San was smaller than Yunho, but from that angle he was towering over him. His eyes were so dark, his face slightly flushed, the muscles in his shoulders and arms tensed. Yunho felt completely in his power, fully mesmerised by his presence. He felt irrationally jealous of any other person who would witness San like that, did he also look at them like this? For a wild moment, he imagined how it must have felt to be the person San came home to. It was only a fleeting moment, before San’s fingers pushed deeper inside of him, and his eyes rolled back inside his head again, thoughts leaving space to the most blissful emptiness.

- Are you sure, baby? - San asked.

- I need you to fuck me. Please. I will be good - he said, fully knowing he was not making any sense, but he did not care.

- Yunho - San said, slowly - You should know that I love when pretty men beg for me.

With an ease he would have never expected, San flipped him over, turning him to lie on his stomach. Before Yunho could even think or move by himself, San’s strong hands pulled him up by the hips, on his knees, and Yunho felt more exposed than ever.

When San pushed himself inside of him, Yunho felt the world stop. It hurt a bit at first, but a part of him enjoyed the pain, too, because the pain made it real, and the pain made it feel like it was not just pleasure, but also penance. San had his eyes closed, his brow furrowed, and Yunho turned his head to look at him above his shoulder, trying to commit all these details to memory, because he would never allow himself to do this again. 

Feeling San inside was overwhelming. Yunho felt full, complete. How could this be wrong, when they fit so perfectly together? For a moment, all he could hear was the thrumming of the blood in his ears and his own shallow breathing. He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, still, as close as they could be. Maybe an eternity, maybe for a minute. He felt his body relaxing, welcoming San, like that was all it was made for.

San started moving slowly and everything went white. He was muttering something - whispering compliments and curses, telling Yunho he was so good for him, so tight, so perfect. Yunho felt overwhelmed at the praise, and he pushed his face into the pillow, trying hard to suffocate the moans and whines that were escaping his lips with each thrust.

- Come here, baby - San whispered, after a moment, pulling him up. One of San’s hands slid onto his stomach and his chest, and he held Yunho close, so close that San’s chest was flush against his back, his hands holding him in place as he kept fucking into him. Yunho turned his head and San kissed the side of his mouth, messily, slowly, smiling on his lips as if he knew exactly the effect he was having on him. The pleasure was making Yunho nearly delirious, and yet he wanted more. He placed his hand on top of San’s and slowly led it to his neck. San faltered for a moment, he breathed against his shoulder, chuckling softly on his hot skin.

- Fuck, you’re perfect - he groaned, and he gently squeezed his hand around Yunho’s throat - Tap if it’s too much, okay?
Yunho nodded, knowing that it would never be too much, it would likely never be enough.

- Please, harder - Yunho begged, his voice a soft whine, and he didn’t know if he meant the hand around his throat or the thrusts inside of him, but San did not need clarification and he started moving faster and choking him harder, the beads of his rosary digging into the soft skin of his neck.

Yunho’s body felt like it had been engulfed in flames. Everything around him was soft and sweet, he felt hot, dizzy, perhaps because of San’s fingers around his throat, or maybe because of the overwhelming feelings that had taken over his body. San bit his shoulder, his hips stuttered, and he let Yunho go, both his hands flew to his hips as he started thrusting harder and faster inside of him, so hard the bed started shaking under them and the headboard thumping against the wall. Yunho nearly screamed, tears forming at the corner of his eyes, and he tried to hold them in, he really did, but when San angled himself just right, pressing against the softest spot inside of him, he felt them slide on his cheeks. He was moaning loudly now, trying to muffle the sound against the pillow, but San grabbed him by the hair, pulling it and Yunho’s head with it.

- Let me hear you, pretty - he said, his voice raspy and desperate - You sound so good.
Yunho whined, he wanted San to pull his hair again but words were coming out of his mouth in incoherent sobs. But again, he didn’t have to ask. It was almost like San could read him perfectly, and his fingers did not leave Yunho’s hair, pulling the soft strands, strong and possessive. Yunho had absolutely no concept of how long that lasted. His body seemed to have molded perfectly around San, the pain completely gone, as he let the other man use him as much as he wanted. San pulled out of him and Yunho whined in protest, but before he could ask, San had flipped him over again, and he grabbed Yunho’s thighs, nearly folding him in half as he pushed himself inside of him without wasting a single second.

- I want to look at you when you come - San smirked at Yunho’s bewildered look.

San’s body was covered in a thin layer of sweat, he looked like he had walked straight out of Yunho’s wildest dreams, so handsome and manly and perfect. Yunho touched his chest and his arms, his neck, his face, and he pulled him closer and kissed him hungrily, whining in his mouth when San’s hand reached in between them and started stroking him.

- Oh my God - Yunho whispered, tears welling up in his eyes again.

- Good, baby? - San asked. He had slowed down, his thrusts now slow, the drag perfect, and Yunho felt like he could die at any moment.

- So… so good - Yunho sobbed - So good.

- I am close - San muttered.

- Come inside. Please, please - Yunho begged. He knew San was wearing a condom, but in his delirium he wished he had not put one on. His hands were on San’s shoulder, pushing him closer, his nails frantically digging into his skin.

- Fuck - San groaned, and his hips stuttered as he pushed one, two, three times as he came inside of him. His fingers were still tight around Yunho’s dick, but it didn’t take long for him to come too, so overwhelmed by the feeling of San twitching inside. 

For a moment, they remained still. Their breathing was the only sound filling the room, and Yunho closed his eyes, trying to slow his heart down, to keep his thoughts at bay. He was still holding onto San’s shoulders, and he felt him lean onto him, he let him kiss him on the lips. The kiss was soft, too soft, compared to what they had just done. It felt sweet and intimate, and Yunho’s tears threatened to spill again, but for a completely different reason. San pulled out and Yunho kept his eyes closed as he heard him shuffling around the room to clean himself up. He knew he needed to leave, but his body felt like it was made of jelly. San did not say anything, but he lied down next to him.

- Can I help you clean up? - he asked, and Yunho finally looked at him, blinking slowly.

- Uh?

- I have wipes - San smiled - Or you can shower, if you prefer.

Yunho just stared at him. He was not very familiar with hook-up etiquette, so maybe San was just being nice, but his heart had fluttered dangerously at the offer.

- Are you okay? - San asked.

- Yeah, sorry. A bit tired - Yunho said, and San chuckled.

- Me too.

Yunho took the wipes from him and started cleaning himself as best as he could.

- Are you hungry? We could order something - San said. He was watching him intently, and Yunho felt more exposed now than he had been a few minutes before, while being fucked into the mattress.

- I think it’s better if I leave. I… I have work tomorrow - he stuttered, and San’s expression fell slightly.

- Sure, of course.

Yunho got up, his entire body was aching. Now that his brain was clearer, he could not believe how he had behaved. How he had begged, what he had asked a man to do to him. He had taken a bite of the forbidden fruit and it had left the sour taste of shame in his mouth.
He got dressed, San’s eyes still on him, and Yunho did everything he could to not look at him, because he knew he would fall into his trap again.

- I wasn’t too rough, was I? I just need to know I did not make you uncomfortable - San asked.

- What? No, San, it was great. Too great, actually. I’m fine - he replied, blushing furiously.

- So why are you running away? You have a boyfriend? A girlfriend?

There was no accusation in San’s tone. He was still lying on the bed, his head propped on his palm. He was shirtless and still so damn perfect, and Yunho wished he could just shut his brain up and go back into his arms.

- I am not running away - he stuttered - And I don’t have… I am not seeing anyone.

- Okay - San replied.

Yunho sat on the bed, scrambling to find his socks, and he felt San move behind him. He knelt behind his back and he touched his shoulders, before sliding his arms around his neck.

- It’s just… It’s complicated, okay? I shouldn’t have done this to begin with.

- Why? - he asked. Yunho closed his eyes, leaning against him, letting San hold him.

San’s cheek was pressing on the top of his head, and he felt him smile when he relaxed in his arms. If resisting his body had been difficult, resisting his care and attention felt impossible.

- I should go - Yunho said, instead, but he didn’t move.

- If that’s what you want - San said. He let him go, and Yunho felt silly as he wished San would be more insistent. But of course San was nice, and he would not want to make him uncomfortable.

- I’m assuming I won’t be able to see you again? - San asked. Yunho sighed, looking down at his hands.

- I’m sorry - he replied, and San smiled and shook his head.

- Well, I guess it was fun while it lasted, uh?

- Yeah, it was - Yunho said.

San got up, looked around the room for a second, then handed him a small piece of paper.

- Just in case you change your mind. My dad insisted I get business cards - he chuckled - I bet he didn’t think I’d give them out to pretty boys I didn’t manage to impress.

- San… - Yunho said - You’re great. More than great. It’s just…

- I’m just joking - San smiled, patting his arm - I’ll see you around, yeah?

- Yeah - Yunho muttered, and San watched him as he left the bedroom, his legs still slightly wobbly as he walked through the small apartment and out the front door. 

***

Chapter Text

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.
[Song of Songs 4:7]

San had been thinking about Yunho a lot. He had felt disappointed for the way he had left, but maybe it was his fault, maybe Yunho had assumed this would be a no strings attached type of hook up, with no chance for a second one. And maybe San was delusional, but he also couldn’t help but think it had felt a bit more than that. It felt cliche, really, but he had felt a connection. Wooyoung had laughed at him when he had said it, lying on his couch, pouting because of this latest man-related fail.

- Your issue is that you’re looking for love at the club, where other people look for sex. Of course you end up disappointed - his friend had said. 

- I wasn’t looking for anything when I saw him! I was there to dance and have fun. And we made eye contact and it felt… I don’t know. Special. Romantic - San said, and Wooyoung shook his head and laughed. 

- You see romance in everything - he said. 

- You say it as if it’s a bad thing! - he pouted. 

- It’s not a bad thing, but not everyone sees it like you. And I hate to see you getting hurt - Wooyoung said, wrapping his arm around his shoulder and pulling him closer. 

- I’m not hurt - San said, but he leaned into his friend’s hug - Just disappointed. I mean, the sex was kind of mind blowing, at least to me, so I thought he would at least do it again. 

- Well, he’s hot, a doctor, good in bed… I guess commitment issues had to be his red flag. That, or he’s got a wife and kids - Wooyoung said. 

- Yeah, very possible - San muttered. Wooyoung rubbed his arm sympathetically, then he kissed his cheek. 

- Would you like for me to find out where he lives and key his car? Slash his tires? 

San laughed, shaking his head. He was lucky to have his friends. He didn’t need a man to be happy, and the sooner he realised that the better. But he had grown up surrounded by love, by his parents being smitten for each other even after all those years, by two of his best friends falling in love and getting married fresh out of school, and he couldn’t help but feel like he was the problem. 

- I love you - he said, and Wooyoung smiled, his eyes twinkling, then he pinched his cheek. 

- I love you, too. You’ll be okay. 

San had not expected Yunho to text him, so he had to do a double take when he saw the message on his phone screen.

“Hi, it’s Yunho, from the club. I’m sorry for how I left that night, I hope you don’t think it was because of something you did. You were so nice to me, I just wanted to apologise for making it awkward.”

It had been two weeks. Two weeks, and Yunho was still thinking about that night, about him. The knowledge made San feel better, because he had also been thinking about Yunho, probably more than he should have.
He wished Wooyoung or Yeosang were there to tell him what to say, Wooyoung always so great with boys and Yeosang calm and clever, for sure they would have found the right words. He took a deep breath, and clicked on the message. 

“Hey. It’s all good. I was a bit confused, not gonna lie! But no offence taken. I thought you must be going through something, so I hope you’re okay :)” 

He sent the message, feeling stupid immediately after. He had waited a whole two minutes before replying, how desperate that must have made him look. He got up from his sofa, nervously walking around the room just to have something to do. It was 10 in the night, was Yunho in bed thinking about him? Was he at the club again, looking for him? 

“I’d love to see you again.” 

San stared at his screen for an indefinite amount of time. Wooyoung would tell him to play hard to get. Yeosang would tell him to be careful. His heart was telling him to run to Yunho and to deal with the consequences later. 

“Me too. When are you free?” 

“I’m free tonight?” 

San’s smile faded. Of course. Of fucking course. A booty call. After so many times, he should have really gotten used to it, but it stung just the same. And he really should have not replied, not until the morning at least. He should have said he was not looking for something casual, but they could go for a coffee, maybe? Get to know each other, stay friends if that was what was best. 

“Want to come over?” 

He pressed ‘send’ before he could really think about it. 

“Please.” 

The memories of their first night together flooded San’s brain. The way Yunho had been so pliant, how he had begged so sweetly. He only replied to the message with his address, then ran to take a shower. 

An hour later, Yunho was there. He was as handsome as San remembered, tall and pretty and his cheeks slightly flushed, and he stood a bit awkwardly in his living room. 

- Take a seat, make yourself comfortable. Would you like a drink? 

- No, I’m okay. Thank you - Yunho replied, sitting on the sofa. San sat next to him, but this time he left some space between them. 

- I’m glad you texted me - San said, and Yunho smiled, finally looking up at his face. His big brown eyes were pleading for something, but San could not quite understand what. 

- Thank you for inviting me over. And I’m so sorry about last time, I couldn’t stop thinking about how bad you must have felt. I don’t want you to think you did anything wrong, because it was… it was amazing - he said. His beautiful face was streaked with red, his ears so bright that San smiled and leaned forwards to touch him. 

- Your ears are all red. It’s so cute - he said, and Yunho blushed even more - I’m glad you had a nice time. I was worried I might have hurt you. 

- Hurt me? - Yunho laughed - No, you did quite the opposite. I can’t stop thinking about it, actually. 

- Oh, really? 

Yunho placed a hand on his thigh, a bit hesitant. 

- Yeah - he whispered, and San watched as Yunho swallowed and licked his lips. 

- You say it as if it’s a bad thing - San said.

- It is, for me - Yunho muttered. 

- Why?

San could almost see the thoughts crowding behind his eyes. He had so many questions he wanted to ask him, but he was worried they would scare him away. Being close to Yunho almost felt like he was holding a bird in his hands, like he could crush him so easily if he held too tightly, like he could fly away if he loosened his grip. 

- I… - Yunho started, and he shifted slightly, but he did not move his hand from San’s thigh - It’s complicated. 

- That’s what you said last time - San smiled - It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me, but whatever it is, I’m sorry. It must be hard to deal with it. 

- Why are you so nice? - Yunho sighed, almost frustrated, and San let out a surprised chuckle. 

- Why wouldn’t I be? You don’t owe me anything. It’s okay if all you want from this is sex - he replied. He meant it, really, but saying it out loud stung him nonetheless. 

He really had no grounds to like Yunho. He barely knew him, they had not even talked that much, and yes, he was handsome and tall and had a nice voice and a lovely smile and the sex had been incredible, but San didn’t know what type of person he was. And yet, he liked him. He had always considered himself a good judge of character, and he could tell that there was so much more to Yunho, something special and beautiful, something he was itching to find out. 

- This would be so much easier if you were rude - Yunho sighed - But you had to be so… attractive and nice and… Fuck. 

He covered his face for a second, trying to collect himself. 

- Are you married or something? Is that why you’re not supposed to do this? - San asked. 

- What? No, of course not - he said, blushing slightly - I’m just. My family doesn’t know I’m gay. No one does. My life would be over if anyone found out. 

- Oh, I see - San said, and he placed his hand on top of Yunho’s - I’m sorry to hear that. I would never tell anyone. 

- I know, but… I am just so tired. I am so fucking tired - Yunho said, his eyes distant as he stared at the floor - My parents want me to get married, have kids. They think being gay is disgusting, the worst sin… 

- It isn’t - San said, and Yunho finally looked at him and gave him a weak smile. 

- I work in my dad’s practice. If he found out, I would not only lose my family, I would also lose my job. All the friends I have are through work or I met them in Church. I would have no one, I would lose everything - he said, and San felt his chest tightening as he watched a tear slide down Yunho’s cheek - I am sorry, I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this. You were probably expecting some fun and I am here crying on your sofa. 

He sniffled and quickly wiped his tears with the back of his hand. 

- That’s okay - San smiled, and he touched his face, stroking it gently with his thumb - I am sorry you feel this way. 

- I just feel like I have been battling with myself for so long. I just wish I could be normal. 

- There’s no such thing as normal - San said, gently 

- Yunho, I hope you know there is nothing wrong with you.
Yunho just stared at him and San wondered if he was the first person who had ever told him that.
- Thank you - he whispered after a moment. San smiled at him, his hand still on his face, and Yunho leaned into his touch.
- Is it okay if I kiss you? - he asked.
- Yeah - San replied, and Yunho leaned towards him, their lips meeting in the gentlest kiss. San felt something in his chest flutter, and he closed his eyes.
Yunho kissed him softly at first, almost like he was scared of doing too much. He kissed San like he was scared to break him, or maybe to break himself. The room felt heavy with the words San was sure Yunho could not say, with his guilt and his fear, and he felt angry that someone so young and bright and kind could feel so crushed by someone else’s beliefs and expectations. San decided he would make this good for him, he would make it worth it.
Kissing Yunho felt perfect, natural, like breathing. San felt slightly taken aback when the other bit his lower lip, sucking it hungrily. He was even more surprised when Yunho climbed on his lap, straddling him, without breaking contact with his mouth as he kept kissing him. He had the feeling Yunho was desperate, like he had missed this and him, like he had been battling against himself and lost and was now ready to surrender. 

- Are you sure? - San asked, breathlessly. 

- Uh? 

- You sure you want to do this? 

- Please, San, touch me - Yunho whispered, against his mouth. 

San grabbed his thighs, letting him move on his lap, soft whines leaving Yunho’s mouth as he searched for more friction. San could not get enough of his sounds, he needed to hear more, to pull more and more of them out of him. He could not get enough of him. He slid his hands under his hoodie, his fingers skimming on the warm skin of his back, then on the back of his shoulders. Yunho’s hand was at the nape of his neck, playing with his hair, and the other on his pecs. 

- Can you take… Take it off, please? - Yunho whispered, pawing at his shirt, and San realised in that moment he would pretty much agree to anything if Yunho had asked him in that tone. He quickly complied, and immediately Yunho’s hands found his chest. 

- Oh, your muscles are so… You’re so big - he said, almost reverently, and he did not wait for San to reply before he started kissing and biting his neck, sucking onto his skin like he was a starving man. 

Yunho seemed to be burning with urgency, like he had held back for too long. San let him take over, he let him touch him and bite him and kiss him, his hands everywhere, his breathing laboured and his hips rocking on his lap. He grabbed his ass, helping him in his movements, and Yunho moaned softly in his mouth.
The way Yunho moved was intoxicating. It was like his body was made of water, but each of his movements was intentional and precise, like he knew exactly where to touch to ignite the fire on San’s skin. San helped him get out of his hoodie, the pale plane of his chest in front of him awakened his desire to mark him, to leave a trace of where he had been, of where he had kissed him. Yunho had said he was inexperienced, and San felt the blessing of being one of the few to have seen him like that glowing in his chest with the power of the sun. He undid Yunho’s zipper, smiling at the desperation he could feel emanating from him, at his tiny gasps as he pulled his dick out and started stroking it slowly as they kept kissing. He wanted Yunho to feel so good, he wanted him to feel perfect. San touched him, his eyes fixed on his face. Yunho had his eyes closed, his lips swollen and red with kisses, and he looked so beautiful, like an angel on earth. How could Yunho think there could be anything wrong with him? 

Yunho was getting needier by the second, and San was not one to leave him wanting. He took him by the waist and pushed him down on the sofa, climbing on top of him, and Yunho’s legs immediately wrapped around his hips, pulling him close, in desperate search of more friction. Yunho’s eyes were on him - pleading and dark and beautiful, looking at him like San belonged on top of him, pinning him in place, like his only purpose was to give him pleasure and have those beautiful eyes swell up with tears when it all became too much.
San kissed Yunho and he did it slowly and intentionally, his tongue sliding on his lower lip, teeth gently grazing. It tasted sweet and familiar, like the kiss of lovers and not of two strangers. 

- Baby - San said, starting to stroke him again - Let me make you feel really good. 

- Yes. Yes, please - Yunho replied, and San had to kiss him again, he couldn’t help it, swallowing his moans and whines, feeling them going through him like they had entered his bloodstream. 

He kissed Yunho’s jaw and his neck, he could not get enough of the sweet, clean scent of his skin. He helped Yunho get out of his jeans, and when he was finally naked under him, San let his eyes and his hands roam on his lean body, on his beautiful long legs, on his hips.

 - So pretty, so beautiful - he said, and Yunho’s cheeks went red and he covered his face, smiling. 

- No, no - San said - Eyes on me. Let me look at you. 

Yunho did as told, and he did not break eye contact when San leaned on him and started kissing his thigh, and he did not look away when San took him in his mouth. Yunho arched his back, his fingers gripped desperately in San’s hair. San felt him twitch against his tongue, heavy and hot and so good, and he let Yunho move his hips and use his mouth as he pleased for a while. San did not believe in God, but what could that be, if not Heaven?
Yunho’s hips stuttered and he pushed himself more in San’s mouth, and San took him, trying to relax his throat, feeling his eyes tearing up and saliva escaping the sides of his mouth. He let him do it as much as he could bear, nearly until he could not breathe anymore.

- Fuck - Yunho muttered, and San smiled, moving away and wiping his lips with the back of his hand. 

- Good? 

San took his sweatpants off, he was so hard and seeing Yunho so pretty and naked and ready made him feel almost feral. He needed him, in any way possible. 

- Please, come back - Yunho whined. 

- Let me go grab some lube, baby, or I won’t be able to ride you until you forget your name - he grinned, and he saw how Yunho’s breath hitched, how much he wanted it too.

The walk to the bedroom felt almost like a dream. San’s body was burning with anticipation and his brain felt foggy. In less than a minute, he was back on the sofa, climbing on top of Yunho, who had not moved at all in his absence.

- Good boy, waiting for me so well - San said. 

Yunho whined softly, arching his back and looking at him with his pretty eyes. San poured some lube on his fingers and he watched Yunho watching him, his expression unreadable, his lips slightly parted. San was on his knees, looking down at him, and he started touching himself while he slid his other hand behind his back, the cold trail of the lube leaving goosebumps on his hot skin. His own fingers felt good, but what felt even better were Yunho’s eyes on him, the way he was clearly dying to touch him but also mesmerised by the sight. San pushed a finger inside himself, the position slightly awkward, but he didn’t really care. It was dirty, the way he was opening himself up on a man’s lap, the way he felt so impatient to have him. It felt like an eternity before he felt finally ready. Yunho had barely moved, his hand on his own dick as he tried to hold back, but he looked more wrecked than San, who had been fingering himself on top of him. 

- Are you ready, baby? - San grinned, and he moved closer, aligning himself with Yunho’s dick before he slowly lowered himself on it. 

- Are you ready? - Yunho smirked, and San laughed, before all the air was sucked out of his lungs. He closed his eyes, trying to relax around him, and Yunho’s hands grabbed his hips, helping him adjust. 

- Fuck. Oh my god. Fuck - he stuttered. For a minute, they were silent, eyes closed, breathing slowly. Then San started to move. 

- Oh my… Jesus. Fuck - he groaned, feeling Yunho filling him in a way he had never experienced before. 

Yunho was looking at him like he could not quite believe his eyes. San thought he was the most beautiful man he had ever seen, but maybe he was just delirious, and he nearly laughed at himself. Yunho’s hands were on his hips, long slender fingers digging into his skin as San started moving on him faster and harder, incapable of pacing himself when it all just felt too good. 

- So good, baby - San groaned, closing his eyes - My good boy, fucking me so well. 

Yunho’s hands tightened even more on his hips, and San saw stars when he started fucking into him, his thrusts meeting him halfway. They were both sweaty and breathless, and San fell forward and kissed him as his entire life depended on it. Yunho kissed him back, because how could he not? If he felt only a fraction of what San was experiencing, he had no other choice. San needed to be closer to him, for their bodies to fuse together and never separate again. He needed to feel him even deeper, to breathe in his breath, to taste him on his tongue. Yunho reached between them and started stroking him as they still kissed and San pushed himself desperately on him. Messy, intense, unstoppable. He felt like every nerve of his body had been pulled tight like a string about to snap. He bit Yunho’s neck, smiling as he heard him whine his name and beg for more. He was not even sure if the words leaving his mouth were making sense anymore, a mix of praises and curses and prayers. 

Yunho came inside of him, and he pulled San down to leave a bruising kiss on his mouth, his fingers leaving deep scratches on hips and thighs. San was close too, and he let out a frustrated groan when Yunho stopped touching him. However, he had no time to articulate his complaints, because it took only a moment for Yunho to push him off his body and down to sit on the couch. San stared as Yunho crawled between his legs and, looking up at his face with the most innocent expression, started licking and touching and sucking him. It was all too much, his glazed eyes, his beautiful lips, his warm tongue, the way Yunho was moaning softly against him. San touched his hair, moving it away from his damp forehead, then intertwined his fingers in it, pulling it just like Yunho had told him he liked. If it was true that Yunho had not a lot of experience, then he was a damn fast learner, because his mouth felt amazing, and San could barely hold himself together.

- Such a pretty mouth - he said - So good for me.
Yunho whined at the praise and San felt it vibrating against him. 

- Baby, I’m… I’m close - he muttered, and Yunho moved away just in time as San came all over his face and his lips. 

The picture was breathtaking, San had never in his life seen anyone look so sinful and so perfect at the same time. Yunho seemed surprised, but he smiled and he licked his lips without breaking eye contact.

 - Fucking hell. You’re perfect - San whispered, and he laughed, because it would have to be that or crying, because no words would ever be enough to express the way he was feeling in that moment.

Yunho did not run away this time. He was quiet as they cleaned themselves up and got dressed, and San was half expecting him to make up an excuse and ask to leave, but he didn’t.
The silence was only broken by the loud rumbling of Yunho’s stomach, and San looked up at him and laughed when he saw his bright red ears. 

- Sorry, it always happens at the most embarrassing times - he said, a hand on his belly, and San smiled. 

- It’s so cute. Are you hungry? 

- Yeah. You? 

- Starving. 

San had no grounds to like Yunho, even if he knew him a little better now. And yet he couldn’t help the butterflies in his stomach as they walked to the convenience store, laughing and talking. Yunho was looking at him like he was trying to make sure San would not disappear, like he could not quite believe he was there and he was real.
He had no reason to like Yunho, not when he had only seen him twice. And yet, San couldn’t help it. 

*** 

Chapter Text

Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown.
But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.
[Luke 7:47]

- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned - Yunho whispered, his knees pressed on the hardwood, his hands shaking around his rosary. He couldn’t bring himself to confess, not when the priest was a family friend and knew his parents, so he was trying to talk to God by himself instead.
In the empty church, he could only hear his own breathing. He tightened his fingers around the beads and took a deep breath.
- Lord, I need your guidance. Please, Father, help me recognise what is not good for me. Help me control my thoughts and my body, I feel like I’m burning - he continued, in a low, hurried whisper -  I can’t stop thinking about him.

He felt tears pricking the side of his eyes, he felt like he was losing his mind. Seeing San, being with him, was like being addicted to something and being unable to quit. Yunho knew it was bad for him, yet he couldn’t stop. It was always the same: he would text him, San would invite him to his apartment, they would inevitably fall onto each other, then Yunho would leave, promising himself that this would be the last time. San never asked him to stay, never asked if they would see each other again, never demanded more than what Yunho could give him. And of course it was fair, it was how it was meant to be, but Yunho wished he could find a flaw in San, something that would make it easier to stay away.

Yunho thought about him constantly. He thought about his beauty, about his touch, his voice, his scent. He thought about the soft vibration of his laughter, the dimples on his cheeks, the way he looked at him like Yunho was something most precious. This was more than lust, it was more than sin. It had been so easy to hide his shame away when it didn’t have a face, when his desire was not embodied by someone very real, when he could only blame his body for wanting what it was not supposed to have. He had always been warned against the sins of the flesh, but what about his heart?
- Father, I feel like I don’t deserve your forgiveness, because I can’t stop. Because I don’t want to - he whispered, against his clasped hands - I want to follow the right path, but I just want to go to him. Can this be right? Can this be what you want from me?

Yunho looked up at Christ on the cross, at the afternoon light creeping through the windows, golden and beautiful. For a moment, he felt at peace, like he was not scared anymore. Perhaps that was God’s response. Maybe he had been looking at all of it the wrong way.
He crossed himself and put the rosary back around his neck and inside his shirt. Maybe he had been wrong from the very start.

It had been two months since he had first met San, and it felt both nothing and forever. They had seen each other every week, and every week Yunho had felt like he had died in his arms only to be reborn again once he walked out of the door. He knew San’s body like the back of his hand now, he knew where to touch and where to kiss, and San knew him too, more than anyone had ever done. They would talk for a bit, too, and Yunho wished they didn’t, because San had a way of listening to him that made him feel more exposed than when he was actually naked under him. On the contrary, Yunho never asked San many questions, not because he wasn’t consumed by the desire to know him, but in the vain attempt to keep his distance.

Yunho felt like his life was now split in half: the time he spent with San being his true self, and the time he didn’t, and only one of the two seemed to matter to him. So, as he sat at the dinner table with his parents and his brother, his mind kept wandering to him. They had seen each other only a few days before, and San had fucked him against the kitchen table so hard Yunho could still feel the bruises on his thighs.
- You will never believe who I met yesterday- his mother said, and it took a moment too long for Yunho to realise she was speaking to him.

- Uh?

- Hana, do you remember her? She’s gotten very pretty, you know. She’s just got a job at this fancy office in town - she said, and Yunho had to fight the urge to roll his eyes at her. His mother was constantly trying to set him up with some girl, it was almost comical how hard she tried.

- I don’t think I remember her - Yunho replied, focusing on the plate of food in front of him.

- How can you not! You used to play together as children. She used to do ballet? Skinny, with big eyes and a very lovely face… - his mother insisted - Well, anyway, I have invited her and her mother for lunch on Saturday. You should join.

The suggestive tone in her voice made him want to scream, but he forced a smile.

- I’m sorry, I have plans for this weekend - he said.

- What plans? - she asked.

- I’m seeing a friend.

- Who?

- You don’t know them - Yunho replied, trying to sound casual, but his heart was pounding.

- Is it the same friend who left hickeys all over your neck? - his brother smirked, and Yunho felt his ears go red.

Immediately, both of his parents’ eyes turned to him. Yunho tried to laugh, but he felt a big knot in his throat.

- It’s none of your business - he said, instinctively pulling up the neck of his jumper. He had worn a turtleneck for that exact reason, but he had not expected for his brother to point it out like that.

- Yunho, is this true? Who is this girl you’re seeing? - his mother asked, and Yunho had to really fight against himself to laugh in her face.

- I’m not seeing any girl - he replied.

- You can’t be going around with hickeys on your neck, Yunho, what would people think! Who is she? Do we know her?

- What’s up with the interrogation? - he asked, trying to keep calm, but his voice was shaking - I am 26 years old, mum, you should stop treating me like a child.

- I’m just saying - she insisted, raising her voice slightly - That I just don’t understand why you would go around with some up to no good girl and ruin your reputation. And you’ve not been to Mass for two weeks.

- I am not seeing any girl - Yunho repeated - And I didn’t have time…

- That’s not a good reason, and you know it. Father Kim has been asking for you - she continued, petulantly.

- I will come on Sunday, I promise. I’ve just been busy - he muttered.

- Clearly - his brother said, and Yunho saw red.

He slammed his fork down on the table and glared at him, trying his best not to jump across his dinner and punch him.

- What’s your problem?

His brother was just smiling hatefully, clearly proud of what he had caused. He had always said he thought Yunho was the favourite child, the golden boy, so of course he had jumped at the chance to undermine him.

- You need to chill. Since when you’re so touchy?

- Fuck off - Yunho growled.

- Boys! - their mother shrieked.

Yunho just got up. Everyone was looking at him, his brother still with a shit-eating grin on his face, his dad silent and angry, and his mother just shocked at his outburst. He had always been quiet and good. He had always done what he was told, but of course it was not enough. He would never be enough, not until he was married to some woman and had kids to fulfil the plan they had for him.

-What’s up with you? - his father asked.

- Nothing - Yunho said, but he walked out the room and grabbed his jacket. He left the house with his mothers voice calling him to sit back down still ringing in his ears.

Why could they not understand? Why was their love conditional? The more time he spent with San, the more his shame transformed into anger. It was not the sin that burned him, but the injustice. Perhaps he was wrong, but how was it his fault? He had tried to change so much, he had prayed and prayed and begged and pleaded. Didn’t they know that, if it really was his choice, he would choose to be like they had always wanted him to?

He found himself at San’s door, his feet faster than his mind, and he only realised when he had already rang the doorbell that he probably should have called him, he didn’t even know if he was home. San seemed surprised to see him, but he smiled anyway. His dimples so pretty and the soft shadow of his stubble on his cheek giving Yunho more feelings than he liked to admit. He was wearing a light gray tank top and dark sweatpants, his hair a bit damp, he clearly was not expecting anyone.

- I’m sorry. I… I needed to see you, I can go - Yunho stuttered, and San smile grew wider, and he let him in, like he always did.

- That’s okay. I’m glad you’re here. Is everything alright?

Yunho couldn’t help himself and he stepped closer to San, his arms around his waist as he pulled him flush against his chest, holding him as tightly as he could. San laughed, surprised, and he froze for a moment before hugging him back.

- Yeah. I just missed you - he said, his nose in San’s hair, inhaling his now familiar scent and feeling his body immediately relax.

- Oh. I missed you too - San said, and Yunho felt him smiling against his shoulder.

The apartment was a bit messier than usual, but Yunho liked it more that way. He liked to see the abandoned mug on the coffee table, the TV still on, the hoodie crumpled up on the side of the sofa. He liked to see that San was real and human and there, with his life and his warmth and his presence.

San’s hands found his face, cupping it gently, and he lowered it to meet his lips. Soft, but with the usual edge, like San was merely taking what was his. Yunho had learned that he didn’t have to be rough to be dominant, it was in the small things. San kissed him, and it felt like Yunho had started breathing again. The abyss around him was no longer suffocating but welcoming.

- I like that you have missed me - San smiled, and he bit Yunho’s lower lip - Have you been thinking about me a lot?

Yunho whined softly against his mouth, and San kissed him again, this time harder, swallowing his sounds.

- I have. So much - Yunho admitted - All the time.

- Good boy - San said.

- And you? Did you think about me? - Yunho asked, trying to ignore the hot feeling the endearment words had given him.

- You know I did.

- I like to hear it.

- I thought about you - San said. He pushed Yunho down on the bed and climbed on top of him. He had not changed the sheets and Yunho was immediately enveloped by his familiar scent. He had to find a way to ask him to not bother putting on clean sheets when he went over without sounding pathetic.

- What did you think about? - he smiled, looking up at him. San chuckled, and propped himself on one of his elbows, his free hand running to Yunho’s hair and gently moving his fringe away from his forehead.

- I thought about… - San started - How beautiful you are. And I thought about kissing you a lot.

- Yeah? - Yunho smiled, and San’s fingers hovered above his mouth.

- Yeah. And I thought about how you’re so good, always so good for me - San continued, and Yunho felt his chest warm up with pride.

They remained silent for a while, a comfortable quiet enveloping them like a soft blanket. San was still touching Yunho’s face, his nose, his lips. Sometimes it felt to Yunho like San worshipped him, or his body at least, and it felt like such a wild notion, because he could not help but think of San as some sort of deity. Did Gods create their own Gods to worship? How could someone like San look at him and see something worth praising?

- I like your hair like this, with your forehead out. It makes you look so… handsome, elegant. Like a CEO or something. God, I bet you look delicious in a suit - San said, and Yunho blushed.

- I could wear one for you - he replied.

- Would you now, baby? - San smiled, teasing.

- Maybe we… - Yunho started, nervously - Maybe we could go on a date sometime. Like to a nice restaurant. And I could wear a suit.

- A date? - San asked. He sounded slightly sceptical, but there was no mockery in his tone. The furthest they had ventured outside the safe bubble of San’s apartment was to the convenience store around the corner, so of course he would be confused.

- We don’t have to - Yunho added, quickly.

- I would love to, but only on one condition - San said. He was still smiling, but Yunho felt nervous. There were so many implications to a public date with him, so many risks.

- You have to let me treat you and take care of you. You can choose the restaurant if you wish - San said. Yunho felt his cheeks burning and he looked away, wishing he could cover his face.

- Okay - he replied, and San kissed him again.

He was always so good. He was gentle when he needed to be, and rough when Yunho wanted him to. He always said the right thing. Yunho was so tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe San was just a good thing, and nothing terrible was going to happen.

Yunho had bought a new suit for the occasion. He liked the way the waistcoat was accentuating his figure, he hoped San would like it too. He had combed his hair back, only a couple of strands on his forehead, a watch on his wrist and a thin silver bracelet to complete the look. The black trousers made his legs look really long, and he tightened the strap at the back of the waistcoat, satisfied at how it hugged his body. He hoped San would grab him by the waist and he hoped he would find him pretty and handsome and he hoped he would compliment him with soft words and then make him blush with rude words.

Yunho felt nervous, this was uncharted territory, it felt like taking the next step, even though he did not know if he was going in the right direction or what the final destination was going to be.
San was waiting for him outside, leaning against his car, which Yunho had never seen before, and he allowed himself a moment to look at him. He was wearing a black suit with a white shirt which was unbuttoned dangerously low, a long necklace styled perfectly in the middle of his chest. Yunho wanted to scream or run away or both, how could he stop himself from being all over him? He had never been in San’s close proximity without being able to touch him everywhere.

San looked up from his phone and his smile dropped when he saw Yunho.

- Holy fucking… sorry. Wow - San said, and Yunho blushed and rolled his eyes.

- You look really nice - Yunho said awkwardly.

 - And you look like a vision. Like you belong in a movie. You should never be allowed to wear anything else ever. Wow - he said. He took a step towards Yunho and put his hand on his waist, but Yunho instinctively moved away, nervously looking around.

- I’m sorry - San said, and Yunho forced a smile.

- It’s okay.

San opened the car door for him and Yunho felt giddy. The car smelled clean, and he wondered why San worried so much about making a good impression on him. Yunho watched as San started driving, how he made it look effortless and sexy, like even a mundane thing like driving could be special if he was the one doing it. The music from the radio filled the car, and Yunho felt like he would never listen to EXO’s Miracles in December the same way, as San softly sang along as he drove.

The restaurant was on the top floor of a high end hotel. The floor was made of perfectly polished marble, the golden lights from the chandeliers reflecting on it like stars, the city lights looking breathtaking from up there. Yunho felt blinded by the luxury, he had never been to a place like that. People looked at them as they walked to their table, following the elegant waitress who was leading them, and Yunho wondered if they thought they were a couple, if they were jealous of him because San was so handsome and so charming. He even pulled out the chair for him, and Yunho felt his face burn as the waitress gave them a knowing smile.

- Wow. This place is insane – Yunho said, looking around.

San smiled, resting his elbows lightly on the edge of the table, but he didn’t lean in too far. Ever so caring, ever so observing. He was there, solid and present, without overwhelming him.

- I wanted it to feel memorable - San said, gently - First dates should be, right?

Yunho gave a small laugh and nodded, but his fingers fidgeted with the edge of his napkin. His pulse felt like it was everywhere - in his throat, his wrists, the space just behind his eyes.

-  I didn’t think I’d ever… do something like this, - he said, quietly - A date like this, I mean.

San’s expression softened, and he didn’t say anything right away. He just let the weight of Yunho’s words sit in the quiet between them. No rush to fill the silence, no panic. Just presence.

- You’re doing great - San said, like it was a simple truth.

- I feel like everyone’s staring.

- They might be - San shrugged with a soft grin - But only because you’re wearing that suit like it was made for you.

That made Yunho laugh for real, and he looked down, embarrassed but warmed by it.

The waitress returned with their menus, and Yunho latched onto the moment like a lifeline. He studied the glossy pages too seriously, as if the names of pasta dishes might calm his nerves. Across the table, San didn’t rush him, didn’t tease. San waited, smiling softly at him, and Yunho realised that it was his presence that made him feel safe, not being inside the four walls of his apartment.

Dinner passed in gentle waves: laughter over mispronounced menu items, their forks clinking lightly against fine china, the brush of San’s knee under the table, not intentional, not bold, just there. And when dessert came, a single slice of tiramisu with two spoons, San didn’t say anything about sharing. He just nudged it forward and smiled like it was the most natural thing.
After a few quiet bites, Yunho spoke again, his voice so low it nearly disappeared into the soft piano playing in the background.

- I was scared this would feel wrong. Or like I was pretending. But it doesn’t.

He met San’s eyes then, and it was the most honest look he’d given all night.

- It just feels like… like I’m finally being honest. Like I’m being myself.

San didn’t answer right away. He reached for his water, took a sip, then looked at Yunho like he was steadying himself too.

- I’m really glad we did this, Yunho. I know this isn’t easy, but I want to be here. With you. Wherever this goes.

Yunho felt something unfurl in his chest. He didn’t know what it would look like, the next step, the one after that. This was a beginning, one he hadn’t known he was allowed to have.
And when they left the restaurant later, walking out into the cool night air, San didn’t reach for his hand. He just walked beside him, close but not touching, and Yunho found himself wishing , that maybe, next time, he would.

They stepped out of the elegant lobby into the night, the quiet hum of the city wrapping around them. The air had turned cooler, a soft breeze brushing against Yunho’s cheeks and neck, but he didn’t mind. The night felt alive, electric, like it was still holding something for them.
San stretched his arms overhead with a satisfied groan. Yunho stared as the pretty necklace on his chest caught the reflection of the streetlights.

- That was good, but... aren’t you kind of still hungry?

Yunho turned to him, half-laughing.

- Are you serious? We just had a three-course meal.

- Yeah, but the portions were all tiny. Fancy food is just… cute. I want something real.

Yunho raised an eyebrow, teasing.

-  What, like fast food?

- Exactly like fast food. Come on. I know a spot.

Before Yunho could reply, San was already leading him down the street, still not touching him but close enough that Yunho could feel the heat between them. He didn’t think, he just followed, grinning like a fool, his polished shoes clicking against the pavement in a way that made him feel oddly proud. But his smile faltered for a moment, the weight of the night settling back in. The nagging fear at the back of his mind wouldn’t leave him alone. This was all new territory, so unfamiliar, terrifying in ways he didn’t even know how to explain. The thought of being with a man had always felt impossible, out of reach. A secret too big for his chest. But here he was, walking down the street with San like it was normal. It was easier to hide behind lust, to think it was just his body ruling him, but as he followed San into the dark, he realised this had very little to do with his body, and everything to do with his heart.
He caught his reflection in a shop window as they passed, the crisp suit, the nervous smile. He felt exposed, like everyone could see right through him. San didn’t seem to notice, lost in his own thoughts. He glanced over his shoulder, catching Yunho’s hesitation, but didn’t push it. He just flashed that easy smile and continued on ahead, as if everything was exactly as it should have been.

When they reached the food truck, Yunho breathed a little easier. There was something comforting in the simplicity of it, in the soft glow of the string lights, the low hum of people laughing, but the nerves still gnawed at him.
They ordered quickly, San making a joke about getting the spiciest thing on the menu. Yunho laughed, though the sound felt a little hollow in his chest. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was standing on a cliff edge, unsure whether he was about to fall or soar. What if he was just pretending that he could be someone else, someone different, someone who wasn’t scared to want this?
San passed him a couple of fries, his eyes lighting up like a child with a treat, and Yunho took it, even though his stomach was twisted in knots. The closeness between them, the way San leaned in just a little too much, the way their fingers brushed each time they reached for another bite, it all felt so intimate. Like there was no one in the world except for them.

- You okay? - San asked, his voice quieter now, softer.

- Yeah, I’m fine. Just… spicy.

But the lie felt like a weight on his tongue. San didn’t push it, though. He just reached over and tapped Yunho’s fork with his own, like it was a small invitation.

- You know, you should not feel guilty for having a nice time. That, or I am completely wrong and you just can’t wait to go home because this is the worst date you’ve ever been to.

Yunho blinked, staring at him. What did San know about guilt? What did he know about the suffocating feeling of knowing that what you are doing is wrong but you just can’t stop? What did he know about the thoughts keeping him up at night, of the torment mixed in with the softest dreams of him?

- San. This is perfect. It’s the best date I’ve ever been to.

- And also the only one? – he smiled.

- No, like, the third?

San laughed and nudged him playfully with his shoulder.

- Oh, because that makes it so much better!

The lightness in San’s tone helped, even if it didn’t entirely erase the fear still lingering in Yunho’s chest. He wanted to believe in this, and in San, and in what they were. But he wasn’t sure how to shake the voice inside his head that kept telling him he didn’t deserve this, that something was bound to go wrong.
He tried not to let it show, but when he reached for another bite food, he found his hands shaking just a little.

- You’ve gone really quiet - San said, his voice lighter now, teasing. He leaned closer, and Yunho could feel his breath on his ear - You’re not about to run away, are you?

Yunho’s heart skipped, the words hitting him more than they should have.

- No, I’m not… running away, — he said, though his voice came out hoarse. He had to swallow the lump in his throat before he could continue - I just… I’ve never done anything like this before.

San’s expression softened, and for a moment, it was like he could see right through Yunho’s carefully constructed mask.

- It’s okay to be scared, you know - San said, voice low - I am, too. But I’m still here. If you want me to be.

Yunho’s heart was thudding now, louder than the city sounds, louder than the words in his head telling him to run, to keep his distance, to protect himself. But something about San’s presence, about the way he wasn’t rushing, wasn’t pushing, wasn’t judging, made the fear feel smaller, less like a cage and more like a shadow.

Yunho looked at San then, really looked at him, and that realization, sudden and all-consuming, made him feel something he had never felt before: the quiet, trembling, terrifying, beginning of love. The kind of love that wasn’t neat or tidy. The kind that lived in the spaces between words, in the slow way his fingers brushed against San’s when they reached for the last bite of food.
It wasn’t perfect, but it was real. And right then, under the warm streetlight, it was all Yunho could have ever wanted.

Chapter Text

He who doesn’t love doesn’t know God.
[1 John 4:7-8.]

San had so much to say but not the words to say it. He felt like something monumental had happened, like something had shifted and nothing between Yunho and him would ever be the same. He had felt it in the stolen glances, in the shy smiles, in the way Yunho had kissed him in his car, soft and slow, when he had brought him home.

- I think I’m in love with him – he said, his voice almost shaky, and Wooyoung and Yeosang both looked up at him.

-Wow. Okay – Wooyoung said.

- Well, we all saw it coming – Yeosang added.

- Was the date that good? – Wooyoung teased. San felt his cheeks grow red and he looked away from his friends.

- It’s not just that – he replied – It’s... everything. He’s so sweet and cute and sexy and... ugh!

Yeosang laughed, but Wooyoung remained serious.

- He is also still so deep in the closet he is basically in Narnia – he said – I am glad you’re happy and you like him, but have you thought about what a relationship with him would be like?

San bit his lower lip, staring at his own fingers to avoid his friend’s gaze.

- I know. But maybe I can help him through it – he said, and Wooyoung sighed.

- Sanie, why do you always think you can fix the men you date?

- He has nothing to fix! His situation is not his fault. And we are not dating – San said, in a way that sounded way more heated than he had expected – I don’t even know if he wants to and he has not promised me anything.

- Damn, okay. You’re down bad – Wooyoung smiled, in the tone that meant he knew there was no reasoning with San, and that whatever happened he would be there, picking up the pieces afterwards.

San felt helpless and scared, was this how Yunho felt all the time? Maybe Wooyoung was right, he could not fix him or his life, but he could be there for him. He could love him and protect him.

The conversation shifted easily to another topic, but San’s mind remained fixed on Yunho. He missed him even though they had only gone out the day before. He missed him every time they were not together. With his phone tight in his hand, he waited for him to text.

When Yunho turned up at his apartment a day later, it felt to San like he had been waiting for him for ten years. He waited for him at the door and wrapped his arms around Yunho’s neck as soon as he crossed the threshold, holding onto him and making him laugh.

- Hello – Yunho said, his beautiful, wide smile brightening up the whole house like a thousand Christmas lights.

- Hi – San replied.

Yunho had been at his place so often that he now moved around like he belonged there. And it seemed to San that his home felt more like home whenever Yunho was around.
Yunho kissed him, and the Christmas lights lit up inside San’s chest, a constellation of them, bright and warm. San wanted to tell him. He wished he could put into words what he felt for him without sounding weird or pathetic. He wished to say “Tell me everything. Share your fears with me, let me hold their weight for you”. He wished he could whisper “I love you. I know it’s hard, and I love you”. But all San could do was to kiss him back, and hope Yunho would understand.

- How are you? – San asked, touching his face and his hair, tracing the curve of Yunho’s cheek with his fingers.

- Great now – Yunho smiled.

They kissed again, holding onto each other, and San could taste Yunho’s smile on his mouth. The nerves and the panic of the first times felt like a far away memory, San had seen them re-emerge during their date, but not in his apartment, where they felt safe and nothing could come between them. And he was doing so well, he was being so brave, despite everything.

They lied in bed, cuddled up in San’s blankets and pillows, the TV projecting colourful lights on to them as they ignored it to look at each other and talk in soft whispers despite being alone in the house. They talked for a while, Yunho told San about his day, about his parents trying to set him up with someone again, and San told him about his students and his friends, and how they were dying to meet him, if he wanted.

- Do you think they would like me? – Yunho asked. His big round eyes studying San’s face, and San kissed him on the mouth and laughed softly.

- They would. But no pressure – he replied – We will only do what you are comfortable with.

- But what about you? It’s not fair we always have to do what makes me comfortable. What about what you want?

San blinked slowly, looking at Yunho’s face, so beautiful in the warm glow of the TV.

- I want to be with you – he let out, without being able to control his tongue.

- Like a boyfriend? – Yunho asked.

- However you want me to be.

Yunho bit his lower lip, still nervously studying his face. The apartment was quiet around them, the city seemed to be asleep outside, and for a moment San felt like they were the only two souls in the Universe, floating endlessly, his bed a raft in an ocean where they were not in danger, just home.

- I want you in every way – Yunho said.

San smiled, Yunho kissed him again, the bed kept floating. It was only them, anchored together by their lips and their hands and their breaths. Yunho’s hands on his body, warm and familiar, the rustling of their clothes slipping on the floor, and then kisses, hot like fire, the scrape of teeth, their breathing like waves breaking the silence around them.

Yunho was on top of him. The glow of the lamp around him, an angelic halo, a sunrise enveloping him. Yunho’s bare chest was beautiful, San had kissed it countless times and he could never get enough. He touched his sides and his hips, holding him softly but firmly in place, and Yunho smiled at him, looking at him with hooded eyes. His cheeks were slightly flushed and his lips were wet and red from their kisses. San let Yunho touch his body. There was a sort of reverence in him, his fingers and his lips tracing silent prayers on his skin.

San had thought that his lust for Yunho would dissipate with time; that having him would become normal. But the urgency was gone, not the fire. San wanted him in a way that scared him, because it was only Yunho, only his body, only his heat and his skin. Other people did not even exist when they were together, other men were simply a footnote in San’s reality, where everything revolved around Yunho, who embodied all his desires, his fantasies, his needs.

Yunho leaned on him and kissed him, sucking onto his lower lip, his pretty eyes closed, and San watched as his long lashes fluttered. He loved every detail of him.

San rolled over him, pinning Yunho down on the bed. He swallowed the hitch in his breath, he kissed his smile, he basked in the feeling of Yunho’s body under his own, how good and pliant he was. Yunho looked up at him, his beautiful eyes begging for something that was already his and San would never be able to give to anyone else. Yunho’s legs wrapped around San’s hips, he gasped and pulled him closer. San touched him everywhere, in all the spots he knew would ignite him, and even though his own body was burning , all he could think about was making Yunho feel good.

San was inside of him, and the entire world went even quieter. It was golden, beautiful, soft. The overwhelming heat of him was enveloping San entirely, and for a moment he could not breathe. Yunho’s fingers were digging in his shoulders, his lips were slightly parted, his brows furrowed. San felt overwhelmed with love for him, and he hid his face against Yunho’s shoulder, kissing his soft skin. He moved slowly at first. The ocean around them still infinite, their bodies connected in a way that made him feel like they could never be apart again. Like they were one. Like Yunho was his.

As he increased the pace, the bed rocking under them, Yunho’s gasps and moans growing louder in his ears, San started to lose control. He kissed him, heat rising inside of him, nearly unbearable.

- Mine – he whispered, biting Yunho’s earlobe – Mine.

- Yes – Yunho replied, arching his back to meet his thrusts – Yours. Please. Please, I’m yours.

His.

San closed his eyes, everything around him was Yunho. And he loved him.

Chapter Text

But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.
[Matthew 24:36]

When the Apocalypse came, and the angels

of the Lord would plane on earth to execute His justice, what would they think of the feelings in his heart? Would they condemn him for the overwhelming lust, or would they forgive him because of the love which enveloped it like soft cotton?
Love felt like a very frightening word, but it rang true. Loving San was warm sun after a plunge in the sea. Maybe loving him was also the plunge itself, the excitement, the caught breath at the contact with the cold water, the salty familiarity on the lips, the awareness of the double nature of the ocean, welcoming and dangerous at the same time. Yes, loving him was like a jump in an endless depth, it was being rocked by fierce waves and the freeing acceptance that he could drown at any moment.

The cafe Yunho had picked for their date was stupidly cute. One of those places that have a million followers on Instagram and where the coffee costs twice as it would in a normal cafe. San was all smiles and dimples when they walked in, nearly jumping with excitement as he looked around. Yunho’s heart twisted painfully in his chest. He loved him. He loved him to the point of bravery. So he took his hand, intertwined their fingers together, and held his breath. Plunge in the ocean, the cold impact with the water, his breath stuck in his lungs, only to realise that, despite everything, he could breathe.
San’s head shot up to look at him, but Yunho did not meet his eyes and stared at the wooden menu board behind the counter instead.

- Could I have a strawberry matcha? - San asked, and Yunho smiled at the almost imperceptible quiver in his voice.

He ordered for both of them, and only left San’s hand when he had to take his wallet to pay, despite the other’s protests and admittedly incredibly convincing pout.
They sat in a corner booth, facing each other, and Yunho looked at San as San looked at the people walking outside the cafe windows. He was so handsome, and so pretty, and he looked so soft in his light grey hoodie, soft and safe and warm. He almost told him, there and then, that he loved him. That he didn’t need fancy restaurants or elaborate dates, that he was sorry for everything, that he knew San deserved better, but the words could not come out.

- This place is nice - he said, instead.

- It’s so cute! - San smiled, his eyes finding Yunho’s - But everything seems nice when I’m with you.

Yunho blushed, and San laughed at his expression.

- I thought you’d be used to my flirting by now - he said.

The waitress served their coffees, and San took about 20 pictures before allowing Yunho to even touch his drink. And Yunho loved him, and he would tell him eventually.

The issue with being around San, was that Yunho could not pay attention to anything else. He could barely register his surroundings, he could only see him, think about him.

If he had been more aware, if he had only looked away, for a second, maybe things would have gone differently. Maybe he would have at least known what was in store for him. Maybe he would have noticed someone’s eyes on them, he would have felt the shocked and disapproving gaze burning their skin. Maybe he would have heard the gasp that had followed the gentle kiss he had left on San’s knuckles as they left the cafe, but the only thing he had heard was his soft laughter. Yunho felt safe, and had forgotten for a moment that not everything around them was love.

The apocalypse came in the form of his parents staging an intervention. They invited him for lunch, a regular occurrence, and Yunho attended without thinking too much about it, but once he had walked in the room, he had realised this was no regular Sunday. Questions and accusations had rained on him like a hail of fire, without even giving him the chance to reply.

Who was this guy?

How could he hide this?

How could Yunho do this to them? After everything they’d done for him?

How long had this been going on?

It was because he had stopped going to Church.

This was not like him. They could tell something was wrong but they had never imagined…

Everyone was talking about it.

He’d let the devil in.

Yunho looked up at his sobbing mother and at his father’s bright red face. He blinked away the tears that were blurring his eyes and they rolled pathetically down his cheeks. It was all over, the lie was out. He was free. He felt the instinct to apologise, but he thought about San, about how he had told him, months before, that there was nothing wrong with him.

- I’m… it’s true. It’s all true - he said - I tried so hard to… to not be… me, to change. But I couldn’t. I tried.

His parents were still staring at him, a million miles between them.

- There are ways… I read about this centre, they have very good doctors there - his mother said, and Yunho couldn’t help but snort.

- Don’t you get it? This is what I am, nothing can change it, no matter how hard you wish for it, mum.

She sobbed again, the sound piercing through Yunho’s heart like an arrow. He could deal with screams and anger, but not with her sorrow. In a moment, the picture she had had of him had shattered. Everything she had envisioned for him had been taken away from her.

- I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I was worried you’d react exactly like this. But don’t you care that I’m happy? That I’m not living a lie anymore?

- By living in sin? - his father said, and Yunho flinched.

He’d let the devil in, and he didn’t care.

The pain of losing his parents and everything he knew had been almost unbearable. Everything around him had shattered, he was alone now. He felt sorry for having disappointed them, but also angry at their conditional love and at their judgement. He had always tried his best to please them, but he could no longer hide who he was. He had stopped going to work, none of his friends or his co-workers had contacted him; he was sure everyone must be talking about him, about his fall from grace, about how he had disappointed his father and broken his mother’s heart.

In his apartment, Yunho cried for days in his bed, mourning the loss of everything he had ever known, but most of all, he mourned all the things he would miss on; his parents would never see him being happy, or in love, they would never meet his children, or see him get married. He would not watch them getting old, he would not be able to help them like he had promised them he would. They had told him never to go back, or at least until he was ready to repent, and he had not been able to lie again. He would never lie again.

San had been sweet and understanding. He had given Yunho his space, but also held him as he cried, told him everything would be alright in the end. Being in his arms had made Yunho feel safe again, even though he was trying his hardest to be strong on his own, to not burden him with his problems. And yet, San was there: strong and gentle, kind, loving. Yunho had cried against his chest, holding on to it like a lifeline.

It was late at night, and San was in Yunho’s bed, gently stroking his hair, talking to him in soft tones to keep the nightmares at bay. Yunho looked up at his face and San smiled at him. For the first time in days, it felt to Yunho like things would really get better, that he could start over.

- Hey – San said, touching his check.

- Hey – Yunho replied – I love you.

San blinked a couple of times, clearly surprised by the declaration, and Yunho felt his heart jumping like the first time he had seen him in that bar, during what felt like a lifetime before.

- You do? – San asked. His smile was so wide, a smile that reached his eyes, and his cheeks turned a pretty shade of pink.

- I do – Yunho replied, and San chuckled.

- I love you too – he said, almost shy, and Yunho laughed.

His happiness felt like a patch of grass in the desert. The pain would likely never leave him, he would need to learn how to live with that dull ache in his heart, and maybe one day it would not feel like he was drowning anymore.

San held him and kissed him, strong and safe and there. God was there too, in between them, in the soft touches, in the gentle words, but also in their fiery kisses, in the all consuming desire that lit their bodies up. God was in the way San looked at him, in the dip of his dimples, in his even breathing as he slept. He was in San’s laughter and in the way he looked at him. There was no evil, no sin, no damnation that could be so pure and so beautiful. His parents had gotten it wrong, completely wrong, and maybe they would never understand.

San played with the rosary around Yunho’s neck as they lied in bed, and Yunho smiled and took it off and put it around his neck.

- Keep it – he said –It suits you.