Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The glare of sunlight peering into Bobby's Bar told that it was about to be the pique of sunset. Shay and Cosima had just handed in their menus along with their order beverages.

It was a nice reprieve from all the chaos that had ensued in the last few days they had known each other. If Shay would have known that in a few short days she'd fall in love with this beautiful, intelligent, kindhearted, loving woman she would have prepared herself.

"So," Shay sighed. "Back where it all began, huh?"

They were bathing in tones of yellow and dark brown. They could barely hear one another in the bustling atmosphere of Bobby's Bar. But they both preferred it this way. That way they were forced to key in on each other and listen. They couldn't afford distractions this time around.

Cosima let out the deep breath she had been holding for the past few seconds. "Yeah,"

"It feels a bit spooky, now, doesn't it?" She took a sip of her tea and looked at Shay in expectation.

Shay scoffed incredulously. "'Spooky' is definitely one way to put it."

She had been nursing her drink since they got their orders but she had yet to take a sip from it. Cosima could tell that Shay had been waiting for her to explain.

Cosima had originally aimed for this to be a lighthearted late afternoon out where they could talk and catch up. Most importantly Cosima could apologize for bolting out of Shay's apartment with under the guise of "work things". She could hear the undertones of pain and submission in Shay's voice. She made the reach for Shay's hand but Shay turned to face her drink instead. She wouldn't have any of it until Cosima started talking.

"I am so sorry." Cosima said.

Shay looked up and scoffed again. "Cosima, it's not you who should be apologizing. It's thatー"

Cosima flinched.

Shay bit her tongue and swallowed the bitter remark. She wouldn't do this to Cosima.

"Cosima,"

Cosima's head was lowered slightly in defeat but at the beckon of her name she lifted her gaze back at Shay in complete longing. But was it love?

"Just tell me," Shay implored. "Anything...everything."

Cosima's eyes fluttered close and she squeezed them shut as she took a deep breath.

Shay took out the DYAD business card and slid it towards Cosima.

Cosima looked down at it in shock for a few seconds and then looked back up at Shay.

"WhereーWhere did you get this?" Cosima asked, beginning to accept the situation at hand.

"Can we just stop battling each other with all the questions and…" Shay looked down at the card in Cosima's hand.

"Well, go, start talking, what is all this about?" Her tone became more vehement.

"Tell me why me," Shay paused and took a deep breath. "Being with you is causingーis causing all this."

She motioned wildly around her as Cosima's knack for gesticulating was beginning to rub off on her. But her voice weaned out and Cosima could tell she was at the brink of tears.

Shay let Cosima grab her hand this time. She considered it a pillar of comfort. She needed something to help her maintain her balance while Cosima finally started to explain this heady ordeal.

"So," Cosima started, "The super secret lab that I work at, the one I took you to see." Cosima was searching for the right words. But Shay didn't want her to search, she just wanted her to vent.

"324B21." Shay said shakily. "What is that? Is that some kind of atomic bomb or something?"

Cosima broke. She smirked, overcome by Shay's lightheartedness and knowledge of when she most needed levity.

"No, it's not an atomic bomb, unfortunately so." Cosima let out a tiny giggle. But she knew it would soon be time for solemnity.

"I'm," Cosima shook her head and couldn't take her eyes off the hardwood table.

"I'm 324B21," She didn't look back up at Shay until she said those last few words.

Shay looked up at her, aghast, first in question, then in startling realization. They practically flung themselves at one another as they locked in a unifying embrace, every event of the past slowly beginning to fall into place.

But Shay let go.

"You're...this? Whatーwhat does that evenー"

"It means I'm a specimen, basically." Cosima scoffed at her own startling realization. She was staring off and she could barely meet Shay's eyes for fear of breaking down right then and there. The bar was no longer the place for them.

Shay grabbed Cosima's hand and squeezed it lightly.

"Let's go home."

Chapter Text

They were sitting on the couch, facing one another. The window beside Shay's bed was cracked open and a chill breeze encircled them. They had not let go of one another's hands since Cosima had begun explaining her journey, her life, what had brought her here. Shay could not say she understood it all though. There were still some parts that did not completely add up to her, some things were just not aligning. But she wouldn't worry about those details right now. Right now, all she was focused on was helping Cosima heal.

"So they're the reason why you're sick." Shay said, looking down at the card in her hand. It was posed as a question but it came out more like a statement.

"Well, basically, yeah." Cosima said. "We all, uh, some of us have a defect." The clinical nature of the word she had to use hit her full force. She sniffled a bit, and held back a few coughs. Shay could tell that she was beginning to break down. Cosima could not keep it together for any longer. Shay gathered her in her arms and she felt Cosima finally begin to relax under her embrace. Cosima's tears began to mark her sweater but Shay needed them. She didn't mind them.

She let Cosima let it all out. By now she was bawling, shivering with grief. Shay was startled a bit. This behavior was nothing like chill, bubbly, vibe she had got from her when they had first met just a few days prior. Shay inhaled Cosima's scent. Earth and vanilla and eucalyptus. Some undertones of pot although she had yet to see Cosima actually smoke it. Cosima smelt fresh and crisp, like apples. Cosima felt warm. Her jolts and gasps had lessened to the point where they were breathing in unison. It was like they were one. Shay held Cosima in front of her. She could see the grief, the internal pain, in the waves of Cosima's face. In the semi circles underneath her eyes. Shay was marked by her pain. Meanwhile, Cosima was trying to regain composure, using the back of her hand to wipe away the evidence of her emotional breakdown. Cosima leaned into Shay, rested her head into the crook of her shoulder, and breathed. Just breathed. It was somehow the easiest she had breathed all week. It was amazing how much Shay made her feel at ease. Cosima began to trace the specks on Shay's arms, the freckle on her shoulder blade. Cosima kissed there. Then she kissed Shay's neck but for longer. Shay sighed, eyes closed, her whole body ready to succumb to Cosima. Shay leaned her head back while Cosima kept kissing her anywhere and everywhere she could from the neck up. Cosima met Shay's lips as Shay leaned in and exchanged the kiss with matched fervor. Cosima had her hands around the back of Shay's neck. Her lips were soft and subtle, moving with Shay's like low tide. Shay had reciprocated with lips but with touches too. She grazed the outside of Cosima's arm, ran her hand down Cosima's side, making sure to put emphasis on the slight obtrusion of her breast.

"Cosima." She said breathily as she pushed Cosima back.

She reached behind Cosima's ears and gently removed her glasses. Cosima watched as Shay folded them and set them on the side table. Shay put her hands back around Cosima's hips, Cosima's at the hem of Shay's sweater. They soon regained equilibrium.

Shay had to shuffle around some of the comforters to find Cosima in the ocean that was her duvet. She had been oscillating in and out of sleep, but during the last few times she woke up, she was sure she could hear a few sniffles and uneasy breaths coming from Cosima's prostrate body.

"Hey," Shay said. She put her arm around Cosima's bare stomach. "Babe. Why are you crying?"

Cosima shook her head as Shay wiped away the tears from the eyes that refused to see her.

"I," Cosima started. "God, I don't know."

"You're just too good." Cosima said. "You're just too damn good and I don't deserve you."

Shay leaned over on her elbow, her head resting in the crook of her palm. She looked down at Cosima who was beginning to play with the few strands of hair that her fell in front of her profile. Shay looked at her in complete adoration before she smirked down at the now rejuvenated and playful woman.

"Come on tiger, let's get you a bath."

Chapter Text

It was Cosima’s favorite time when she was with Shay. The time when she could relax and completely unwind. She need not dwell on her impending worries and let her dire circumstances become non existent. Though it would only be for a short while, Cosima savored it. She let Shay wash her every time and Shay obliged. Shay actually did it better than she did. Along her bathtub lay a plethora of essential oils, many of which Cosima struggled to pronounce. But that type of finesse made her bath all the more lovely. Shay had taught her a few deep breathing exercises and a couple rounds of it at the beginning of each wash had calmed Cosima without fail. The stresses and anxieties of the day were whisked away with the steam only to haunt her the next day with ghostly intentions. She watched Shay with subconscious content as she sprinkled some primrose into the water and unscrewed the curious bottle labeled ‘Comfrey’. Cosima eyed it inquisitively.

“It’s helps with muscle tension,” Shay said. “And you’ve been under a lot of stress lately.” Shay nuzzled her head into the crook of Cosima’s shoulder, breathed her in, and then resumed her ministrations.

“Thanks for always doing this for me.” Cosima said, watching as Shay gently dragged the silken cloth along her legs, around her stomach, over her breasts.

“Please Cosima, don’t thank me.” Shay responded. “You know I love doing this for you.” Shay caressed Cosima’s cheek and searched her coveting eyes. Shay smirked and teased Cosima with endearment.

“Just let me love you,” Shay said. “Just let me be with you.”

“Then be with me.” Cosima said smartly. She surveyed Shay coyly. “Get in.”

Her teethed wrestled endlessly with her bottom lip as she watched Shay undress as unhurried as one wading into a shallow stream. Cosima relaxed her head on her arm that was resting on the rim of the tub. She was constantly taken aback by the delicacy of Shay’s body. Continuous curves and subtles slopes. Freckles marked her body as calculated as stars on a winter’s eve. Every curve and crease that came together in a perfect sum filled Cosima with a lingering blast of heat that clouded her mind. Shay lowered herself into the bath tub so that her back was to Cosima’s chest. Cosima wrapped her arms around Shay’s belly and they sighed in unison and relaxed into one another, the water filling the bits of space their bodies could barely manage to make.

“Not the sweatpants and t-shirts type, hey?” Shay said, rummaging through the lower drawers of the dresser that contained the bulk of Cosima’s wardrobe. She was trying to find something warm and comfy for Cosima to wear post bath.

“No, I left all of that back home,” Cosima said, tilting her head back over the edge of the couch. “Thought it’d be better to take the more professional route.”

“Mhmm.” Said Shay. “But I,” Shay abandoned the dresser and inched toward Cosima on her hands and knees. “Like you in anything you wear.” She nipped Cosima’s ear and Cosima let out a buoyant chortle before wrapping her hand around Shay’s neck and meeting their lips. They started off slow and lingering but Shay soon picked up on Cosima’s eager intentions.

“Mmmm, no distractions.” Shay insisted between fits of giggles. She tried to pull back but it was like Cosima was operating some type of magnetic force that would see to it she would not spring free of her embrace. Each time she moved back she found herself at Cosima’s lips again or found Cosima kissing her neck, or love biting her shoulder.

“Cosima-” Cosima pinned down Shay and peppered kisses along her jaw “You need-” Shay tried to be stern but she couldn't fight the laughter.

“But you know I’m, like, proficient in the art of distraction.” Cosima said. “And you just make it so. Damn. Easy.” Cosima said in between wet kisses.

They both let out squeals as they tumbled onto the pile of clothes strewn across the living room floor. Clothing was far from being the subject of conversation, or lack thereof.

Chapter Text

Cosima woke with an ache in her back. Shay and her had fallen asleep on the couch after Cosima insisted she abandon dressing her and kiss her instead. Cosima had ended up lying on the couch with Shay wrapped around her protectively. She was scared to move for fear of waking up her partner, her face made soft and childlike under the influence of sleep. Cosima let out a short puff a disbelief of how beautiful Shay never ceased to look. It wasn’t until she nuzzled further into her that she noticed that Shay had slipped a light sweater over her. Cosima must have been exhausted to not have realized this until now. She slowly eased herself out of Shay’s hold so as not to wake her and headed towards the kitchen. She stopped to turn around and spread a blanket over Shay just to make sure she was warm enough. Shay would do it for her.

It didn’t take long to realize how starving Cosima was and how much Shay lacked groceries. Cosima rummaged through the sparsely occupied fridge to find one red onion, a cucumber, and a bundle of fresh parsley. To Shay this would be a gold mine but for Cosima this would not suffice for a filling meal. She left Shay a note, grabbed the keys and her coat, and was soon off to find some much needed takeout.

Cosima opened the door to find Shay bundled up in the blanket and sipping on a cup of tea. Shay turned around once she heard Cosima enter.

“Hey, babe. I read your note. Find anything good?”

Cosima grinned widely and kissed the top of Shay’s head.

“Yeah, totally. There’s this new Ethiopian cafe that opened just a few blocks down. And they’re vegan.” Cosima did a little dance with her eyebrows.

“Well it smells delicious.” Shay set her tea down on the coffee table and followed Cosima to the kitchen.

Cosima had finished drying the last dishes and had met Shay lying under the duvet. She undressed until she was just in her tank and slid under the covers. She closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around Shay’s belly. Cosima sighed as they relaxed into one another.

“Hey,” Shay started croakily. “Wanna talk? We haven’t in awhile.”

Shay turned so that they were facing one another. She searched Cosima’s eyes and studied her face with concern.

“Why,” Cosima grabbed one of Shay’s hands, “are you always so worried about me?” She began gently rubbing the back of Shay’s hand across her lips.

Cosima turned and moved towards Shay so that she could cuddle her instead. Shay wouldn't give in entirely.

“Because I believe you’ve been a little too quiet lately.” Shay reached under Cosima’s tank top and began rubbing soothing circles on Cosima back.

She turned around to face Shay.

“I just feel so out of it.” Cosima finally let up. “Like this sickness thing is eating at me.”

“But you told me. That’s a start, hey?” Shay replied.

“Yes but I don’t want to put all this pressure on you.” Cosima said.

“Okay, fair enough. ” Shay replied. “How well do you know them all?”

"How do you mean?" Cosima asked.

"Your sisters." Shay said. "Did you grow up with them or,"

“Well I’ve only met five of them so far.” Cosima laughed to herself. “God, we’re all so drastically different, it’s bizarre.”

“We had a cop. And we have a soccer mom. I’m the resident geek monkey.” Shay laughed. “No seriously, Sarah reaffirmed the title and I find it quite fitting actually.” Cosima replied.

“I know,” Shay said. “You’re my little geek.” She pulled Cosima back against her chest. “Have I ever told you how adorable you are when you get adamant about something?” Shay asked

“No, but go on.” Cosima smirked.

“You scrunch up your nose and furrow your eyebrows.” Shay answered.

“Oh really, that’s interesting.” Cosima blushed and snuggled in tighter into Shay. "Force of habit, I guess."

“Sarah’s the one you mentioned in your sleep.” She grabbed Cosima’s wrist and began tracing light caresses along her nautilus shell.

“Yeah.” Cosima said quickly but warily. She tiptoed around the topic of Shay’s knowledge of Sarah. She highly doubted she only knew Sarah’s name due simply to sleep talk. It was the first and only time someone Cosima knew had mentioned she had done so, but she wouldn’t ruminate.

“She’s keeps us on our toes,” Cosima finished. “But we love her.”

Chapter Text

“Remember our first date?” Shay asked Cosima. They were at the local commons a few blocks from Shay’s apartment . They lay on the greens enjoying the warm, hazy day, the air thick with the scent of pollen as the bustling operations of spring settled into motion. The gears that powered the universe eased into another season.

They had brought a blanket and a few snacks to munch on as airy and melodic tones of Bon Iver echoed off their surroundings. Pricks of grass poke through their blanket softly, stray greetings. They thought it would be best for Cosima to get some fresh air after the intense coughing spell she had had that morning. Shay was still getting used to how to react in those moments. Cosima was in the midst of a nonchalant explanation of the implications of some scientific subset when a fit of paralyzing hacks overtook her and striped her hands and mouth with blood. Shay had always kept a wet towel nearby in case she ever needed to come to Cosima’s aid. She felt entirely helpless knowing that all she could do was softly implore her to relax, a futile axiom. She rubbed circles on Cosima’s back while she regained composure, like soothing a child struck by fleeting trauma. Cosima’s only attempted reassurance came by telling her it was a routine symptom of her sickness, totally normal. Shay decided to give her the benefit of the doubt but she couldn’t help but feel that each fit would have an unfathomable outcome.

“Yeah,” Cosima half laughed, half scoffed. “I was a trainwreck.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Shay wrapped Cosima into a hug and kissed the top of her head, “You were adorable,” Shay said. “Just nervous and I don’t blame you.”

“Considering how smart and gorgeous you are how couldn’t I have been nervous?” Cosima replied facetiously.

“My point exactly,” Shay said cheekily. Cosima plucked a grape off the bunch and plopped one into Shay’s mouth before giving her a quick kiss back.

“You know, it was my first date since high school.”

“Really?” Shay ruminated over Cosima’s statement. “Then how’d you meet-”

“It’s complicated. And entirely my fault. Well not the meeting part, just the engaging part. Gorgeous blondes will be my downfall."

"God, I was such a dork in high school.”

“You don’t say.” Shay mocked.

“I mean, I have maintained much of my dorkiness to now but it’s just slightly more subdued, I guess. I was in Chemistry and Environmental Club. My pals and I play played Settlers of Catan and Risk during our free periods. And of course I was my Physics teacher’s TA.”

“I’m totally not surprised.” Shay said. “So I take it you were practically destined to study the hard sciences.”

“Yeah, man. Just thinking about my high-school-self now makes me, like, cringe though. But I guess you could say I’ve blossomed.”

“Indubitably." Shay said. "You’re my little dork and I love you.”

“I used to have this intense crush on a girl I knew. She was in the year above me. I don’t even know why I liked her but it was really bad. Like, I couldn’t go a day without thinking about her. And the nights were worse. It was the first time I actually lost sleep over someone.”

"Mm. Young love can be ruthless." Shay held Cosima tighter. “Did you tell her you liked her?”

Cosima nodded. “I wish I hadn't though. I felt like I had exposed myself for no reason. It didn’t go anywhere. Not that I wanted it to. I don’t know, it just consumed me for a while, you know. It was like she had this weird command over me and all I wanted to do was please her. Anyway, she wasn’t even out to anyone but me so there was no point. I barely even saw her during school and I finally got over it.”

They lay in silence pondering the obscurity of their situation. But all that mattered was that they were together now. It was purely kismet.

Chapter Text

Shay shut and locked the door behind her. They had returned home from their mid-day picnic as Shay knew Cosima had to be up early for work the next morning. She headed toward the fridge to prepare them a quick meal. She got out the leftover sushi and seaweed salad and began serving it up.

“That was fun.” Cosima wrapped her arms around Shay’s stomach and rested her chin over her shoulder.

“I’m glad you took some time to relax. With all that intense lab work and what have you.”

Cosima giggled. “You’re so cute.” She planted a kiss on Shay’s cheek. Cosima put down the basket and began unpacking the remnants of their picnic.

“I wouldn’t want to spend my weekends with anyone else. I just wish I got to see you more.” Cosima wrapped an arm around Shay’s svelte waist and swayed back and forth with her.

“Mmmmh, me too. I mean, I try to keep myself busy with clients, and all. But I can neverー,”

She turned and instead wrapped her arms around Cosima’s waist and brought their hips closer together. She could see the glisten of hazel and earthy green in Cosima’s eyes, crackling in the waning eve like roman candles. She teased her as she slowly leaned for a kiss charged with energy that sent an electric shock through the both of them.

“ーseem to stop thinking about you.” As she pulled away she could feel Cosima shudder with the thrill their intimacy. They rested their foreheads together.

“I want you.” Cosima whispered unsubtly into Shay’s ear.

“Mhmmm, I know. Me too. But we need to get some proper food in you.”

Cosima groaned petulantly. “But we had food, like, two hours ago.” Cosima said, planting kisses down the side of Shay’s neck.

“Babe, we both know your symptoms intensify on an empty stomach.”

“You’re totally just making that up to get me to eat.”

“And for my sake it’s totally working.” Shay as s slid a plate towards Cosima.

“Chow down.”

Chapter Text

They were both getting ready for bed. It was one of the more calmer days they had in awhile. They felt like themselves again, not like they were trying to fit into the molds that initially matched them together via internet. They were slowly getting the hang of living together. Their work schedules were beginning to sync up but they each still remained just as busy.

Cosima was already in bed reading, but she was distracted by Shay’s undressing and subconscious muses of timeless folk lyrics. She put down her book on the bedside table when Shay finally retired to bed. They soon assumed the position they lay in every night; Cosima encasing Shay, their legs intricately woven like the beginnings of a bird's nest.

Cosima sighed and inhaled the mild flowery scent of her partner.

“If you could get a tattoo what would it be of?” Cosima asked Shay suddenly.

“Well, this is an odd late night topic of discussion.”

“I know, but it takes a while for my brain to unwind at night. And you know, curiosity.” She brought Shay closer to her chest. “Soo, any ideas?”

Shay laughed. “Oh, you know. Maybe a quote or something.”

“‘Or something’, wow that’s deep.” Cosima said playfully, she tickled Shay’s arm. “I mean if it’s going to be on your body presumably for the rest of your life-.”

“I guess I’ve just never really thought about it.”

“Come on, I mean, you’re an amazing poet and lyricist. Maybe you could get one related to that.”

But Shay was quiet, beginning to trickle away into slumber.
“Yeah, maybe” she said as she struggled to withhold a yawn.

“I think you should get one right,” Cosima kissed right beneath Shay’s shoulder. “There.”

“Oh really?” Shay said.

“Mhmm.” Cosima replied drowsily.

“Any more suggestions?”

Chapter Text

“Hey babe, I know I’ve been completely M.I.A but it’s just that something came up at the lab. A whole bunch of extra shit came down on us out of nowhere that we had take care of. Anyway, I’m exhausted. I really want to see you right now. But I’m, uh, on the bus now so I should be back in about half hour. Okay, I’ll see you soon. Ciao.”

Shay closed out of the voicemail and looked at her contact history. Four idle calls to Cosima since she got home. It had been getting harder and harder to reach her these days. And still she yearned for Cosima every night.