better left on seen

“i regret it, not taking the chance to kiss you. if i had known our friendship would have already been ruined like this, i would’ve gone back in time and kissed you senseless.”
Seulgi finds her old phone, the one she used back when she was eighteen— the screen is cracked at the corner, and the weight of it sits uncomfortably cold in her hand— but Jaeyi’s admissions and all the memories from back then remain nonetheless, even after five tortuous years.
[TEXTFIC!!] canon as of ep12; somewhat aligns with ep16

Notes:

[CW: SOME EXPLICIT LANGUAGE !!!]
ficspo from the game “answer these 10 questions and i'll tell you what kind of lover you are” by frannym on itch.io. really changed my perspective of love and life a lot.
too lazy for html so formatting is ass; ignore date stamp inaccuracies, i did as much research as i could while trying to align it with my envisioned timeline. assume the events of the show occur in 2024.
*if you see kkk it just means hahaha and of course had to keep the absolutely culturally iconic (and authentic!) kor > eng translation feel in the texts

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Her new apartment isn’t too shabby— it’s a tiny, one-bedroom crevice hidden away in some back alley, but it’s closer to her job nonetheless— and Seulgi’s grateful, really, considering she could barely afford it after scraping together both her and her stepmom’s savings.

The distance from home is probably exactly what she needs, anyway. The people here seem sleepier, the town has a tinge of familiarity to it, but nothing more: none of the loud, boisterous skaters she had to pass by on her way home, none of the white-coated doctors and medical staff she’d forcefully turn a blind eye to, none of the sneering university classmates she’d go out of her way to avoid.

It’s also why Seulgi doesn’t take much from her old place in Seoul; if anything, she’d packed every bad memory up into a box, including that unsightly shade of dark green and her torn sneakers and her ugly, ugly past. She’d been planning to throw it away, if not at the garbage disposal down the next street then at the one nearest to her new flat.

How ironic it is that the things she tries the hardest to forget seem to be collecting dust in the corner of her room, like a jack-in-the-box waiting to pop up and taunt her at any moment. Except it never does, never did, and after half a decade Seulgi’s stuck with it still, mostly due to her utter lack of sheer willpower.

She has no choice but to carry the box all the way up the piss-stained stairs to her new apartment despite every acrimonious, bitter look she’s ever thrown at it— and on a particularly steep step where her face is pressed against the side of the nightmare-filled cube— the faint scent from within hits her. Perhaps it’s her nose playing tricks on her, or the poor ventilation inside, but Seulgi smells something oddly sweet:

It smells of Jaeyi, of her perfume and her detergent, and it’s unwelcomingly cathartic. Her thoughts race before she can catch up— she wonders how Jaeyi’s been— of course she hadn’t heard much, after those last few semesters, but it doesn’t hurt to simply wonder.

And so the only counter to the fear of the unknown, Seulgi supposes, is morbid curiosity.

In hindsight, she would’ve been much better off burning the whole box— but in a foolish, impulsive decision that’s about eighty percent (as she mentioned,) morbid curiosity and twenty percent drug-related— Seulgi sets it down by the entrance and digs out her old phone from the depths of faded green uniforms and pieces of her broken heart.

The folded phone looks exactly as she remembers it— the screen is cracked at the corner, and the weight of it sits uncomfortably cold in her hand— but it’s still the same one she used at eighteen.

Seulgi opens it to find dozens of messages. There’s a couple from Kyung and Yeri, both of whom she barely contacts now, and a surprising number of recent notifications, the last one dating back to about a week ago. She unlocks her SNS and discovers that a majority of it comes from one chat, and one chat only.

Yoo Jaeyi

Last online 1 week ago

[November 21, 2024]

seulgi-ah, i’m sorry.

good luck for your college entrance exams

i hope you have studied a lot

you’re smart, i’m wishing you all the best.

let’s aim for the number one spot, okay?

fighting!

(Seen)

[November 30, 2024]

seulgi-ah, how was it?

could you do well without me?

i’m sure you did

you did a good job

and i’m proud of you

(Seen)

[December 8, 2024]

seulgi-ah, why don’t you reply me?

only reading my messages like this…

i already said i’m sorry.

don’t you want to see me again?

anyway, results are out. tell me how you did

(Seen)

[December 30, 2024]

seulgi-ah, kyung told me you a got a new phone as your christmas gift

so you won’t be using this one anymore, right?

so… goodbye seulgi

(Seen)

[January 1, 2025]

seulgi-ah, happy new year

still reading my messages…?

watching the fireworks and thought of you

remember that time at the bleachers?

i suddenly got a phone call then and kyung came over

feels like years ago, doesn’t it?

(Delivered)

[April 21, 2025]

seulgi-ah, didn’t expect to see you on campus

of course i knew you would go to medical school

but seeing your face…

ah, things like this are better left unsaid.

(Delivered)

[July 13, 2025]

seulgi-ah, i wonder if you’re still taking drugs kkk

you did too well on your midterms

do you wonder how i did?

…

ah fuck, don’t know why i still text

(Delivered)

[October 29, 2025]

seulgi-ah, are you doing okay in school?

i still see you around

you always pretend not to look at me

(Delivered)

[January 1, 2026]

seulgi-ah, happy new year

nothing left to say anymore

everything that can be said i have already said

but the things i cannot say

maybe one day you will find out

(Delivered)

[May 7, 2026]

seulgi-ah, are you making friends?

second year of medical school has come so quickly

can you survive without me?

ah, but…

today i was listening to lucid fall

reminds me of you and jena unnie

is it still your favourite?

(Delivered)

[June 22, 2026]

seulgi-ah, are you being bullied again?

saw you crying in the girl’s toilet just now

part of me felt relieved, you know?

like you really can’t survive without me

but also at least…

at least i am not the one hurting you

don’t worry, i’ll get rid of them for you still

consider it a “thank you” for someone i cared about back in caihua

(Delivered)

[September 19, 2026]

seulgi-ah, i’m sorry for everything back then.

seeing you happy like this from far away

ah, how to say…

it makes me happy too

but i still can’t be your friend, so it really sucks

(Delivered)

[January 1, 2027]

seulgi-ah, happy new year

how many years has it been?

now i can finally say that the time i was watching fireworks with you feels like it happened years ago kkk

even though i can barely remember what happened that night, i can still remember your face

the reflection of the fireworks in your eyes

the way you smiled

there was that feeling in romance movies where the guy leans over and kisses the girl

if only the whole school wasn’t there

(Delivered)

[August 8, 2027]

when i was really young, i didn’t know which day jehyun’s birthday was

at that time he was still a puppy

so i thought i could bake him a cake for every day of the year

that way he would feel special every day, even if he didn’t know when his own birthday was

you never told me which day your birthday was, seulgi

(Delivered)

[January 1, 2028]

happy new year, seulgi

four years have passed

sometimes i go to the skate park or the karaoke club

it’s stupid to think you would be there, am i right?

feels too much like romeo and juliet

and at the ball pit during the school fair, too

i just wanted to pull you under and kiss you right there

ah, fuck

this is a secret but i did kiss you once, maybe you don’t remember

it was that time early on in our friendship when you slept over

you kissed me back in your sleep, and you tasted like heaven

my seulgi… my sleeping beauty

(Delivered)

— Voice message deleted —

”at the club now and i just wanted to say that… i… (laughs) i dreamt of you last night…

i dream about you a lot actually… and… (laughs) in those dreams, sometimes…

sometimes i’ll tell you i love you… (laughs) ah, but…

when i’m awake it’s scary… cause, well… i don’t know if it’s true… (laughs) fuck you, woo seulgi. i miss you so fucking much…”

(Voice message not delivered. Tap to retry.)

[January 1, 2029]

happy new year, woo seulgi

what to tell you now?

jehyun is gone.

i miss him more than i remember him…

you’re not dead, but why does it feel the same way?

and starting work at j medical centre now

met another doctor at the hospital recently

my appa wants him to be my boyfriend

i see you in him

i wonder if in another life we were forever

(Delivered)

[March 23, 2029]

i went past your house today and saw that you moved out

what does it feel like to live alone?

are you lonely?

last time i thought, how could jena unnie ever run away from home?

but then maybe five years ago if i had managed to leave my appa’s place for good and asked you to run away

would you have said yes?

i think about that a lot these days

us being safe and free

i wanted to protect you, woo seulgi, when i couldn’t even protect myself

(Seen)

Seulgi is crying. It turns into sobs, and sniffles— and then there is a downpour clouding her vision— and this is the result of a dam finally bursting, of a thunderstorm built up within her over the past five years.

Yoo Jaeyi

Online

[April 1, 2029]

S: yoo jaeyi

(Seen)

There are tears on her phone screen, and it almost feels as if they have typed it out by themselves, but Seulgi can't stop herself at this point— she has never had enough self-restraint for something like this— and it is perhaps her biggest hamartia of all.

The typing bubbles continue, and then stop; this is the first time Seulgi has ever rendered Yoo Jaeyi speechless.

[April 1, 2029]

S: yoo jaeyi

J: woo seulgi

S: this… i’m surprised you still use this phone

J: i don’t. and texting me like this, is there something you want?

S: i read everything

J: i know.

S: you’re suddenly acting so different

J: i didn’t expect you to reply after 5 years, that's why

S: ah, i didn’t expect to reply after 5 years too…

J: did you move out?

S : why are you asking, don’t you already know?

J: … woo seulgi-ah. i’m asking because i miss you, not because i know

S: yes, i moved out. i found a new job, but…

J: but you still took everything with you

S: that’s correct. and you’re still the same after all these years. it seems you never change

J: and have you?

S: have i what

J: have you changed? at all?

S: …

J: …

S: i’m not sure

J: well do you still take drugs?

S: …

J: okay kk

S: joking so casually, do you think we’re friends?

J: …

S: “okay kk”

(Seen)

Jaeyi doesn’t send anything for a bit; and their conversation, till now, has been punctuated by awkward pauses, much like two cats circling each other cautiously.

J: is that all you have to say after reading everything?

(Seen)

An eye for an eye, Seulgi supposes, letting herself unravel.

S: well i miss you too, yoo jaeyi.

S: you know, i’ve been trying not to think about you. but we are the same in many ways: i thought about you when seeing the fireworks, when seeing the people at the skatepark, when walking past the club and our old school. it’s why i continued to take drugs, because back then not a moment had passed that i hadn’t thought of you.

S: i wanted to kiss you too, at the ball pit and the rooftop of that tuition place and everywhere else, even in that karaoke room where it was just the two of us and you said my singing was better than the original. i still remember because of the way your eyes looked, like you were the prince who was about to wake the princess up.

S: seeing these words on my screen, it makes me feel uneasy. i agree, a lot of the moments we had felt like those teenage soap operas. i wanted to kiss you so bad i dreamt about it, and that’s probably why when you kissed me that night, i did kiss you back, even though i was sleeping.

S: i regret it, not taking the chance to kiss you. if i had known our friendship would have already been ruined like this, i would’ve gone back in time and kissed you senseless. maybe it would have ended worse in that universe but to me it’s worth it. to have at least known what it felt like to be someone you cared about in that way instead of thinking my crush for you was one-sided.

S: sometimes the pain felt worse than when i was young and bullied by those kids, and the scar the cigarette left on my collarbone is much more obvious than the one you left on my heart. but actually i’m not sure which one hurt more.

S: to this day i’m not sure if i fell in love with you, yoo jaeyi, but if i did then i wouldn’t have admitted it so easily.

S: but it’s true that i don’t remember much of our university days. i was doing my best not to pay attention to you, but guess we just can’t help it that fate made us end up in the same school. in fact, during that time i even thought that maybe it would have been better to transfer schools.

S: then there was a period when i was bullied still, and i didn’t know what happened to them afterwards, but i could only guess that it was your doing. that month, i listened to so much lucid fall, but by then they weren’t my favourite anymore because i just couldn’t stand the thought of thanking you.

S: that… i had a lot of questions, but very little to say to you, even now. you pushed me away and pulled me in and none of it made any sense.

S: really, i’d hate to think i remember our time together more than you did, but that’s most likely the truth. i remember all the days we were by each other’s side more than i remember each one of my birthdays. none of them ever felt very special because i didn’t know when my birthday was, but to think that all the time i spent with you would make up for it and replace every birthday i never had, especially that day at the school fair.

S: i consider that day my birthday, do you know?

S: eating grilled meat and drinking soda with you and no one else. it was that simple but i felt like i was in a dream.

S: and to answer your question, i would have run away with you five years ago. i’m willing to admit that. i didn’t trust you but a part of me believed that no matter where i went, as long as yoo jaeyi was by my side, nothing could harm me.

S: so that’s all i have to say.

J: …

J: … and now?

S: now what?

J: if i asked you to run away now, would you say yes?

S: you’re too straightforward, yoo jaeyi. don’t you have a boyfriend?

J: would you say yes?

S: … i don’t know

J: …

S: you wanted me to say yes, didn’t you? but the world is not that simple after 5 years. i’m in another part of seoul and i have a new job now.

J: about my boyfriend…

S: what is he like?

J: don’t pretend to care, woo seulgi.

S: did you think i would be jealous?

J: are you?

S: … i don’t know

J: you were never this indecisive. maybe you really have changed

S: people grow up

J: i’d hoped you had changed

S: why?

J: so the version of seulgi i once remembered and cared about would stay just mine

S: i’m not your seulgi anymore

J: were you ever? hearing you admit it like this…

S: …

J: and about my boyfriend, if i invited you to my wedding, would you come?

S: even i didn’t expect you to get married this young. but would your father get angry?

J: no, not now. in the future.

Seulgi thinks about it— she really, truly does— letting the phone in her trembling hands collapse to the wood-paneled floor.

Would she attend Jaeyi’s wedding? Would Jaeyi attend hers, one day?

Jaeyi, whom five years ago wanted to run away with her, whom Seulgi would’ve loved her and loved her and loved her if she only had the chance to.

But alas reality is not as generous, and they are not the kind of friends who invite each other to weddings through silly hypotheticals. Truth be told, they are the kind of friends who pretend to invite each other to weddings, if only to see the other person’s face again, if only to stare at them longingly from the altar and take a devastating chunk out of the other person’s hearts as a keepsake memento.

Maybe one day they’ll let go, and maybe one day they’ll truly be happy for each other and learn how to stop the pain. But that day is not today, after having reopened this wound too late in life.

S: you want my answer? yes.

J: do you remember the scarf i gave you that day on the rooftop?

S: why are you asking me this?

J: can’t i?

S: i have it still

J: i’m glad. i got it just for you

S: why are you telling me all this now?

J: it was all the same old pattern six years ago. before i gave you the scarf… you didn’t respond to the messages i left you.

S: why do you remember these things?

J: because one of us was always angry and the other one was always guilty. so we would string excuses together instead of apologies, then both of us would walk away like we would feel better later.

S: is that why you left in the end?

J: no. you know better than that… listen. it’s the night of the school fair again, and we’re going to the bleachers

S: changing topics so quick. why are we doing this?