Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Every Little Thing" & "Angels or Devils"

It starts unexpectedly. One day he hated her, feared her. And then suddenly, he doesn't. He thinks at first it is guilt, for wanting to and almost selling her back to the Alliance. And then he thinks it is pity, as he sees her breakdown time and again. But then he glimpses her smile on one of her lucid days and he feels sucker punched in the gut and he realizes, he wants her to look at him, really look at him so she can see him - because he's finally seen her, beyond all her crazy bits.

"Let me in, to see you in the morning light…" he whispers to her quietly as he sees Simon pulling at her arm so he can once again inject her with meds after a breakdown.

"Simon?" her voice comes out hoarsely, almost in confusion, and he moves to the side so she can't see that he is watching them from outside their room. He sees the tear tracks on her cheeks and he thinks to himself, "… to get me on and all along the tears they come," feeling helpless, as he sees her brother pull her into his arms, whispering "I'm here mei mei…."

"She's so sorry, Simon." She apologizes to him, sounding even younger than her age.

"There's nothing to be sorry for …" Simon answers, his voice belying the need to do more to soothe her.

"I never know what I'm saying. What I'm doing. Just put a bullet to me…bullet in the brainpan. Squish." she continues, crying in earnest now.

"Stop saying that!" her brother admonishes her, and it is all he can do to stop himself from running inside the room so he can snatch her from his arms and tell her severely, "See all come. I want you to believe in life" and take her head between his hands so he can look her in the eye and will her to stop crying.

But when her tears suddenly cease, he wishes she hadn't stopped crying after all. Because she turns and he sees that her eyes are blank again. "But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away…" Her eyes are back to being lifeless. Blank.

And it is with despair that he asks quietly, "Will you find out who you are too late to change?"

***

Inside her head though, River is still crying. Thoughts jumbled and unable to utter the words she wants to say to her brother, "I wish I could be, every little thing you wanted. All the time," and she watches helplessly as he stands up to leave her alone with the loud voices in her head.

***

He tries to avoid her after that, but then one night, he stumbles over her as she is lying on the catwalk, and she whispers, "Lift me up. Just lift me up, don't make a sound." And before he knows it he is wrapping his arms around her, and he finds himself, saying to her without words, "And let me hold you up before you hit the Ground."

He doesn't know when it was she finally realizes that he's been avoiding her. But when she does, he is surprised to also realize that she didn't seem to like it one bit. Because she does everything in her power to make sure he is unable to – avoid her that is - at least during days when she is all there and is in control of her own mind and body, and she starts seeking him out. Most days she's all there when she finds him. But sometimes, she disappears even as she stands before him. And some days, he can't help but ask, "See all come. You say you're all right. But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away - you've gone away," because she will suddenly stop and fold into herself. And he wishes like hell she had more days like those, instead of ones when he hears her broken voice, begging Simon to help her make the voices go away, crying as though there's an actual river-full of water inside her that needs to come out. And he can only ask her silently, "And will you find out who you are too late to change?"

It is at these moments when she's broken and hurting that he can't help but wish, "I wish I could be. Every little thing you wanted. All the time."

Not knowing that inside of her, in that part of deep inside of her that is trying every day to control the crazy, she is wishing too, "I wish I could be. Every little thing you wanted. All the time. Sometimes."

***

As Serenity shifts to her night cycle, a pair of bare feet walks silently across the ship, moving slowly but resolutely to a particular bunk. Small hands punch in the code to opens the hatch, before a slim body moves to slide down into the bunk. She walks towards the figure lying on the bed and lifts the covers so she can slide next to it. The figure stiffens slightly at the feel of her body pressed onto his back, before relaxing. She knows he is awake, so she whispers to him, "This is the last time that I'm ever gonna come here tonight." She promises him, as she moves to wrap her left arm around his waist, and rests her cheeks on his nape. She has been sneaking into his bunk for months now – after she realized that he quiets her thoughts better than any drug that Simon injects into her system. He refused at first, but she persisted, and she was finally able to break him down.

"And this is the last time - I will fall…" she continues, "Into a place that fails us all – inside…"

It is then that he turns to face her and thinks, "Well I can see the pain in you," as he looks into her eyes.

She gives a small smile, thinking, "And I can see the love in you." It is why she has decided to end it. Not because she wants to, but because she knows, even without reading his thoughts that he now wants something more. And because she knows she can never really fully be everything he wants, she needs to stop this.

Neither one says anything out loud as they both reach out for each other, seeking the relief only each other's bodies can provide.

***

He wakes up when he feels her slowly disentangling herself from him.

"What do you mean it's the last time?" He finally asks as she moves to sit up.

She closes her eyes, fighting to sink back into the warmth he offers. "I can't keep doing this to you…" she finally answers, moving back to his side, unable to fight the need to return his embrace. "I should stop…"

But he cuts her off. "But fighting all the demons will take time. It will take time."

They both stop to take a breath, both thinking, "The angels they burn inside for us, And are we ever, Are we ever gonna learn to fly?"

It is River who breaks the silence as she finally musters the will to let him go, "The devils they burn inside of us" she murmurs quietly as she moves towards the ladder to leave. "And Are we ever gonna come back down?" she adds mostly to herself, not really expecting an answer.

But he surprises her when he calls out just before she lifts herself out of the hatch, "Come around…" And it is only then that she realizes she's been holding her breath all along, wanting another invitation back to his bed, and she smiles to herself as she slowly walks away.

He doesn't really know why he asked her to come back again, because he knows, "I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold".

***

It is time for Serenity's sleep cycle once again and the same set of bare feet is walking silently towards the same bunk.

But instead of pretending to sleep, the mercenary waits facing the hatch. And when he finally sees her slide down the ladder, he tells her, "This is the last time, That I'm ever gonna give in tonight." He feels rather than sees her falter, and he almost changes his mind again, but he continues on resolutely, "Are there angels or devils crawling here?" He just wants to know if she knows who she is at that moment because he knows he is getting in way deeper than he had intended when it started. That he is starting to want more from her, and so he needs to know that she needs more from him than a way to make the haze disappear.

She continues walking towards him as though she didn't hear his question. And he almost asks again but she then stops at the edge of his bed and he can finally see her face. And what he sees reflected in her eyes breaks what is left of his heart, even before he hears her answer, "I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see."

She feels the weight of his stare like a physical blow, knowing what she had inflicted on him. She whispers sadly, "Well I can see the pain in you…"

He laughs hollowly at her statement and lashes out sarcastically, "And I can see the love in you"

She flinches at this, not knowing what to do, silently thinking, "And fighting all the demons will take time. It will take time."

He almost wants to kick her out of his bunk. Almost. But then he sees that she is fighting back tears and so he breaks and reaches out to pull her onto the bed and into his arms.

Her fear that this was in fact the last time makes her more aggressive than ever. His self-directed anger at his inability to turn her away makes him more forceful than he usually is. And so their coupling is fierce, violent and raw. Their lips, teeth and tongues wanting to mark and claim before either one can let the other go, and well, if blood is shed, neither really minds, nor cares.

She wonders as he pounds into her, "The angels they burn inside for us. Are we ever, are we ever gonna learn to fly?"

He questions as she continues to take him inside her, "The devils they burn inside of us. And Are we ever gonna come back down - come around?"

And they both think, "I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us."

"If I was to give in - give it up – and then…" he almost asks her.

And as though she hears him, she whispers not quite sure if it's for him or for herself, "Take a breath - make it deep, cause it might be the last one you get. Be the last one that could make us cold. "

And he knows, "I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold."

For River, it is too much and not enough - this last time together. She knows it's impossible but the pain she feels inside is almost too much to bear and she nearly begs him, "Don't give me up. Don't give me up tonight, Or soon nothing will be right at all…Salvation"

And it's as though, he has become the reader this night, because he can almost hear her plea even though her lips do not say anything. And his voice comes out hoarsely, "Will you find out who you are too late to change?," willing her to answer, his pain like a living thing on its own, pressing deeply into her.

And so she answers brokenly, "I wish I could be, Every little thing you wanted..."

________

"Haze", "Candleburn" & "Somewhere in the Middle"

(AN: I made slight changes to two lines of "Somewhere in the Middle" just so it fits better with how the story is presented (apologies to Dishwalla purists out there).)

He'd come back to Serenity after a night out in town, tiptoeing his way to his bunk. Though he'd had several drinks, he was by no means drunk and he knew he was heading in the right direction. But he had to stop and rub his eyes first to make sure that it was actually her he saw sitting by the hatch to his bunk. "Whatcha doin' here moonbrain?" he'd asked gruffly, in no mood to deal with all the feelings she'd been steadily bringing about inside him, this time of night, and especially given his semi-inebriated state.

The curse waiting to be uttered at the tip of his tongue died down however as she quietly whispered, " Untie the hands that bind your mind and be nice ."

"Huh?" That almost sounded normal. But when he'd crouched down to get a better look at her, he'd seen that she'd been crying, judging by the puffy appearance of her eyes. He'd stared at her silently, not quite knowing what to do, waiting for her to say something.

"She put a gun against her ear, inside, against a gin and tonic sky," her voice had belied the heavy import of her voice, sounding so matter-of-fact as though she hadn't just said she'd been thinking of killing herself. He'd almost told her off when she'd continued, ignoring him, "She's a star, she finds a place to lose her pain. Caged as she waits inside, Hate and she wants to die, And she wants, and she wants to live…"

And then her voice had finally broken as she'd looked at him and said over and over again, " She wants, she wants to live, Away from this haze, Away back from this haze…Still she's caged as she waits inside, Hate and she wants to die, And she wants, and she wants to live, She wants to live… "

It had been then he himself broke and before he'd realized, he had gathered her in his arms as she cried and cried, begging him, " Get me back from this haze…Get me back from this haze …"

***

He comes to suddenly and finds himself in a bar, nursing a glass of whiskey. He mentally shakes the cobwebs in his mind brought on by the memory of that first time he'd taken her down to his bunk to help her forget. Cursing to himself for remembering, he quickly downed the remaining liquid in the glass and got ready to go back to the ship, acknowledging that this particular attempt to escape her and thoughts of her has failed miserably.

Outside, on Vineland past the candle shrine that melts into the street design, she waits - for someone. She makes herself as inconspicuous as possible, wishing to avoid any trouble as she waits for him to come out of the bar, thinking, "Tonight she'll give herself away again," knowing that she'll break apart all by herself, acknowledging how "it's so easy how we come undone."

***

She knows it is a bad idea. They had both decided it was over. That it needed to be over for both their sakes, but standing in the dark, all she can think about is asking...no, begging him, "Take me over when I'm gone, take me over make me strong, take me over when I'm gone…" And then she feels something shift inside him, across the wall that separates them. Like a candle being lit and she can't help but wonder, "Will they burn for me?"

And before she could second guess herself, she iswalking purposefully into the bar.

***

He feels rather than sees her when she walks in. He almost smiles as the object of his thoughts roams her eyes around the bar quickly, knowing she is looking for him. He makes a motion to catch her eye, and when she does, he straightens up in his seat as she walks towards him. He asks her to sit but she doesn't seem to hear him. So he tugs at her arm and when she looks at him in question, he answers, "So I asked you if you'd join me for a single last call drink…"

So she turns and buys them two, and she didn't even blink .

"You have this look that of an angel, it's such a bad disguise…" he tells her, wanting to get a rise out of her.

But she just looks at him unblinking and she quickly downs her drink. He notes the tears that burn her eyes as the strong drink makes its way down her throat. He sighs heavily before he warns her quietly, "You do know that when you drink it makes you angry…and am not in the mood to be breaking arms and legs justs so you can burn it off..."

She cuts him off with a denial, before he can say anything more, "No…when I drink I want you more and more and more…"

And just like that they're out of the bar and making their way into one of the rooms upstairs. Tripping hard falling down onto the ground,he mumbles to her lips asking for help, "Cause I can't stand up, and I can't fall down…"

She keeps him from stumbling again, and then they're in the room and he has a brief moment of lucidity thinking to himself, "And I'm somewhere in the middle of this."

Their clothes are off, and he mumbles, "You know I find it hard to say no to you…" before he finds himself taking a bite at her neck.

His lips are taking her under but she tries to answer anyway, hoping he understands, "I always tried to find the sane life cause I don't like the way things are, but I keep falling to my knees somewhere in the middle of this…"

***

He looks at his reflection on the mirror after splashing water onto his face. He escaped to the bathroom as soon as he could make his limbs move after River had sexed the gorram daylights out of him. He sits down on the tub trying to get a handle on his feelings. He stares at the ceiling and calls on Shepherd Book not quite certain if he is making an excuse or complaining.

"She pulls me in - strips me down. She pulls me in - turns me out. She pulls me in - strips me down…"

And if he wasn't as confused as he is right now, he would have laughed at the weirdness of asking guidance from a long dead preacher man all nekkid and hiding from a reader.

And in the bed lying and staring sightlessly at the ceiling, the girl is muttering to herself, "Take me over when I'm gone, take me over make me strong, take me over when I'm gone…" as she tries to block out his confusion across the wall that separates them, trying to ignore the pain that it brings her.

But just when she thinks she needs to leave him alone, she feels it again… the candleburn inside him, and she finds herself staying and asking silently once more, "Will they burn for me…will they burn for me?”

______

"Today, Tonight," "When Morning Comes," "Drawn Out," "Home" &  "Opaline"

He eventually walks back into the room and makes his way slowly to the bed. He stares down at her as she too stares up at him. Neither one knows what to say.

"Waiting for the plane to crash?" she finally asks facetiously.

He almost smiles as he answers, "Waiting." And asks back, "How long can you stand?"

And then there is silence once more before he breaks it and wonders aloud, "And you hope it never ends?" not really expecting an answer.

She surprises him though when she whispers, "Every day and every night, as every hour goes by..."

"Today?" he asks again as he sits down next to her on the bed.

"Tonight…" she answers, "tomorrow, the next night…" she adds as she sits up.

"Too long…" he mutters more to himself than to her.

"Too late…" she says the words so quietly he almost doesn't hear. But before he can say anything more, she turns and touches his mouth with her fingertips, "Till then…I'll wait."

And then there's nothing more to say as they both move to lie together on the bed. He wraps his arms around her and she does the same.

And then finally, they sleep.

***

He wakes first, instinctively knowing that dawn is just breaking and it is time to head back to the ship. He gently shakes her and has to fight the urge to kiss her again when she opens her eyes and he sees that they're clear. He tries not to hope even as he realizes that he has seen them getting clearer and clearer since they'd been to Miranda. So he moves to get up and off the bed to look for their clothes.

It is after they are both dressed that she speaks, "There's so much life here and so much pain - we forget."

He looks at her in confusion.

"There's so much life as morning comes and it's real - the silence…" she adds looking at him as though expecting him to say something.

He suddenly feels angry as he feels his hopes shatter once again thinking that she's back to her feng le self once again, and before he can stop himself, he is shouting at her in frustration, "You say you wanted love and you want it to feel so real forever – well, remember why you have come and all the shit that's caving in is gone forever!"

He is gone before she can even react.

***

She is running to catch up to him, muttering inelegantly under her breath as she alternately curses both her inability to make herself understood properly and a certain stupid mercenary who jumps quickly to conclusions without knowing all the facts. When she is finally a couple of meters behind him, she shouts, "Jayne!"

He stops momentarily at hearing her call out his name, but continues walking again.

She tries to control her anger at being deliberately ignored and before she can rethink her actions, she is running even faster and then tackling him from behind.

"Ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng!" he grunts in surprise at the weight that latched onto his back as they both go down in a tangle of limbs on the dirt. "What in the gorram hell do you think you're doing you feng le girl?" he growls at her as he flips and quickly maneuvers to pin her under him.

Her anger fades at his obvious annoyance and she tries to explain. "And the promise we break it and the reasons we fake it bring us farther apart from the love that we make…" But the look he gives her tells her that despite her efforts to speak clearly for him, the words that come out just makes him more confused. So she cries.

And just like that his anger drains away and he struggles to he sit up so he can pull her into his arms.

She thinks maybe he did understand, but then he whispers to her in despair, "And its all drawn out. There's nothing inside and nothing to hold, nothing to find and its wearing me out…"

She moves to put her hand on his mouth, willing him not to continue, but he gently takes it in his own and looks into her eyes, willing her to understand, "This feeling inside and it's all drawn out…it's all drawn out…" he struggles to explain, until finally he mumbles, "I'm all drawn out…"

"No…" she wails at him as she realizes he wants to give up. "No, you don't understand…" she too struggles to explain.

"River…"

"Listen…" she wills him to do so. "Without you I am nothing. Without you I can't believe."

He freezes at her words. He moves his hands to her cheeks and raises her face so he can look into her eyes as she explains.

"This gilded place has everything but this comfort is not what it seems." She is still crying but she knows that her eyes are clear. She is lucid and in control of her thoughts and feelings. "It is not what it seems…" she pauses to make sure that he is not confused. "In between is everything I need."

She then fumbles to find something in her pocket.

"Riv…" he is unable to continue as he finally sees the object she holds in her hands.

***

He stared at her sleeping form on his bed as he absent-mindedly played with the ring he held in his hand. He looked down at the ring, noting its opaline quality. His Pa had made it out of a gemstone he'd mined just before he'd asked his Ma to marry him. It was by no means perfectly round, in fact it was actually a little lopsided – his Pa wasn't exactly very good with his hands, the mines being all he'd known – but it was made with love and because of that, his Ma had treasured it. It was the only thing that she had asked him to take when he left their planet, with the unspoken promise that it would be given to his future wife.

He hadn't wanted to take it – fearing the responsibility – but his Ma had insisted. So he'd kept it safe all these years, knowing that in his line of work, the likelihood of it ever being passed on to some woman's hand was practically non-existent.

He ran a finger across her cheek, whispering softly, "Take me where you are, lead me to your door and let me in. Just let me in" wishing with all his might he knew for sure that she would understand him if he gave her this ring and asked, "Come and take me home."

But because he'd never been sure if what she felt for him was just gratitude or something more or if she even really knew that she's with him, he just sighed heavily and stood up to put the ring back into the pouch he kept in the drawer by his bed.

***

"How did you…" he asks her in wonder.

"I heard you…that night, I heard you..." she explained. "When you left the room I looked and held it and I knew…you wanted to give it to me. But you didn't because I was broken…" she continues.

"I…" he wants to explain.

"It's okay…I was broken…I'm still broken…a little." she smiles to let him know she understands. "But Jayne, I am here now. All of me. All the little bits that I didn't know what to do with before has been left in Miranda."

He looks at her intently as his heart starts to beat heavily, hope once again unfurling inside him.

"Do you see me now Jayne?" she asks him seriously. "Because I see you. All of you. And I know. I know how I feel."

He is too choked up to answer.

So she continues, "…your opaline is everything I see, " wrapping her left hand over his right as it caresses her cheek and then moves the hand holding on to the ring right over his heart as she moves to kneel in front of him properly.

"This opaline brings me to my knees." She whispers. "Your opaline brings me to my knees." She adds as she gets ready to kiss him.

But before she can bridge the distance between their lips, he is the one that makes a move.

And then they are kissing and wrapping their arms around each other and then they finally, finally both know.

What they have is every (little) thing they (ever) wanted.

Fin