Chapter Text

Here Shen Yuan was, minding his own business and slurping his ramen, when a robotic voice screeched in his ears about the end times.

Shen Yuan wasn’t a novice to the internet however, and immediately jabbed his CPU’s power button with an elbow—fuck whatever ad that was—and went back straight to slurping. In response, the robotic voice got more and more insistent, until he felt his vision winking out like a cartoon TV screen.

The next time he opened his eyes, before Shen Yuan stood the most beautiful person he had laid his eyes upon. Starry eyes, a soft jaw, and the fluffiest hair that was the tiniest bit disheveled. The boy’s lips were bitten raw, but they were pink underneath all the blood and gore. His face was so dazzling Shen Yuan almost put an arm in front of himself to block the sparkling out. Only then could Shen Yuan take in the rest of this hero’s person: a white and teal xianxia costume ripped open at various strategic points, no boots, and to top the look off, a sword that was more of a stump by this point.

Seeing it on a screen was one thing, but in real life, this ensemble made pity well up in Shen Yuan’s novel reader heart.

Because there was no mistaking it; this was none other than the protagonist of the trashy monster-fighting, harem-collecting stallion novel Proud Immortal Demon Way: Luo Binghe. And the way he was looking at Shen Yuan didn’t bode well for him.

Shen Yuan had decided from the beginning if he were to transmigrate, he would never flail around like those idiot isekai novel protagonists. Oh no, look at me, I’m in armor and the strangest robe known to man! This must be a dream! Let me do whatever I’ve wanted to do since I was a little kid and touch that lady’s boob—NO! Shen Yuan wasn’t that kind of backwards incel. 1. That was immoral and dumb. 2. It was unsatisfying from a narrative standpoint and disgustingly cliche.

Hence, while what Shen Yuan wanted to do was start giving Luo Binghe directions to Xin Mo immediately, he held his tongue for

a) narrative immersion

b) doubt whether Luo Binghe would even believe him and

c) what if he had transmigrated into an abyssal monster wife whom Luo Binghe was waiting to attack (What? It was completely possible. A monster wife was the only other sentient humanoid character Shen Yuan could recall from the abyss off the top of his head other than the regular monsters) etc, etc.

Warily, Luo Binghe took a step forward. On autopilot, Shen Yuan took one backward to maintain the distance between them. Ah young man, however skimpy that sword may look, Shen Yuan was a humble semi-otaku with no muscle mass. He wouldn’t be able to counter it!

Or that’s what Shen Yuan intended to do. When he tried to move them, all he got was dubious input from his legs, like he was wading through water. His calves felt heavy, like someone had chained him to a 100kg weight. In his astonishment, Shen Yuan made the mistake of looking down.

He had no legs.

“What may this humble one address… senior as?” Luo Binghe was saying from where he stood, one hand still resting on his sword. The protagonist’s first dialogue option, and Shen Yuan couldn’t even give it his full attention because he was manfully resisting the urge to scream. 

His legs! Where were his legs?!

“Lord Luo,” Shen Yuan managed to keep the stutter out of his voice. He tried to poke around for a system of any sorts and found nothing. What shitty transmigration experience was this?! Well, if he wasn’t bound to anything, this only meant he could do whatever the fuck he wanted, right? “Calling this on a senior isn’t necessary. This one is….” Shen Yuan wracked his brains for something that lined up with his creepy form, “...a corporal… dream—”

On more careful inspection, it was revealed that he did have legs; they were dissolved into a fine layer of mist that twirled and danced over a fun little lamp Shen Yuan recognized immediately as the one from the new Aladdin movie.

AIRPLANE YOU HACK , roared Shen Yuan. So you had a rip-off artifact like THIS hanging around in your trash novel?!

“--genie?” Shen Yuan finished.

“A genie?” Luo Binghe tilted his head in confusion, taken aback.

Cute! Too cute!! This wasn’t the completely blackened protagonist of PIDW yet; this was Luo Binghe, young disciple of Qing Jing, who had entered the abyss for only two years at most. Shen Yuan recalled that it was in his third year that he stumbled across Madam Meiyin and her group’s— cough, cough— services in the abyss and found sparkling new clothes amidst them, along with many buffs in the ehem, ehem, department.

“Ehem yes,” said Shen Yuan clearing his throat. Now that he had said it, he should be committing to the role. "That’s me, senior genie. Our species are very rare, and come from the—er—West. I was separated from the rest of my kind and bound to this lamp. If young master pleases, as a gift for releasing me, he can ask this one to grant three of his wishes—and I will fulfill them if they are within my capacity.”

“I… wishes?” echoed Luo Binghe. “What would Senior Genie have to gain from such a thing?”

Uh oh, that was the protagonist’s suspicious voice. Honestly, Binghe, Shen Yuan was just making it up as he went! He was greatly assuming things here, ie, THE THREE WISHES segment, but if it worked out for every other genie story then why not here?

In a corner of his brain, Shen Yuan took stock of the landscape. It was dry, prickly, and absolutely chilling. He had to privately admit that he always imagined the abyss to be boiling hot, and one of the few times Airplane had gone in depth about the Endless Abyss was the oppressive heat and lava rivers north of where Binghe had landed. The cold was surprising.

Shen Yuan suddenly got an ominous feeling. He put a probing hand on his midsection.

BARE!!!

As a transmigration professional (at least in theory), Shen Yuan did not screech at this discovery. Instead, his hand traveled up from his navel to his chest—here, he found solid metal, some kind of jewellery, cold to touch— and then to his neck, where there were more necklaces piled on top of each other. 

He had forgotten that he could be perceived for a moment, and when he looked back at the protagonist, he was gaping at Shen Yuan like he was the eighth wonder of the world.

Now Shen Yuan had a new perspective on Luo Binghe’s wariness. Binghe!! Of course you wouldn’t trust a half naked old man feeling himself up right in front of you!

Even as he cried bitter tears in his heart, Shen Yuan soldiered on.

“I don’t want for anything,” lied Shen Yuan. He’d really appreciate a back button, for example. “What could this one possibly want from the world bound to this lamp? Your world, on the other hand, Lord Luo is much more vast and filled with opportunities. Just assisting you is enough.”

Assist you and then take stock of my situation after you're less stab-happy. Even in this genie form, Shen Yuan’s mind was still that of a mortal, and Zheng Yang—while blunted down to nothing—was still sharp enough to pierce through the eye of a Eight-Legged Purple Mandible Horse.

“That again—Lord Luo,” Luo Binghe mumbled to himself. Then louder, “Senior Genie, this one is no one’s lord. What other misconceptions do you have about me?” 

“Oh, it’s just a title, young master,” said Shen Yuan. “I can see you're meant for greatness anyway, so a few stray lords in your direction will bring you no harm.”

“But why? ” Luo Binghe stressed.

This wasn’t how genie stories were supposed to go!

“Lord Luo, you’re making things very difficult for me. Why did you rub my lamp?” Shen Yuan was hazarding a guess there— but bingo! Luo Binghe’s face spasmed in confirmation–”I have to follow the ritual inscribed on this lamp! Please give me your wishes so I can go back to  spending my days alone in the darkness!”

Shen Yuan was perhaps laying it on a little too thick there. Luo Binghe, on the other hand, looked less troubled.

“Is Senior Genie… A powerful demon trapped under an array?”

“You could say that,” hummed Shen Yuan.

Here was Shen Yuan’s plan: If this was not a dream but a transmigration scenario, Shen Yuan didn’t plan to sit around twiddling his thumbs like an idiot. He’d get Luo Binghe out of the abyss with one of these wishes, and then he'd use the other for Luo Binghe’s benefit. Then , of course, he’d put on a show about being stuck in the lamp forever, and Luo Binghe, protagonist-wired to free anything that’s stuck, would surely use the third wish on Shen Yuan’s freedom. There was no reason for the semi-charred version to do anything nefarious or want too much.

“Alright…” Luo Binghe agreed, swallowing. 

“Now then, Lord Luo,” said Shen Yuan. Drawing up his shoulders, he waved his hands around in hopes of dramatics. He wasn’t disappointed. A cloud of green smoke followed his movements and dissipated where his still wrist met the air. Internally Shen Yuan whooped in joy. “What is your first wish?”

“Can Senior Genie get this one out of the abyss?” Luo Binghe’s voice cracked in the middle of his wish. Shen Yuan felt a pang of fondness for this teenage protagonist; good things had rarely happened to him, and his continued streak of wins was far off in the future, and yet he was being brave about it all. How endea—

[WARNING! WARNING! USER V002 IS UNDER A TEMPORARY CONTRACT! DEVIATION TO STORYLINE WILL RESULT IN SYSTEM INSTANCE UW;6; (TERMINATION OF ACCOUNT)]

WTFFFF!!!!

Shen Yuan sneezed out a burst of placid pink smoke right in Luo Binghe’s face.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? A SYSTEM?? 

A window popped into the air before his eyes, its cheery neon blue interface grating and futuristic for the setting. In a covert attempt to tap all its buttons, Shen Yuan pretended to be warding off the smoke that was getting all up in his eye. The same robotic voice that had warned him of the end times a mere hour ago now chimed in his ear. 

Bastard! Where were you when I needed your help?! Shen Yuan cursed.

[The system didn’t see any need to interfere in User v002’s private life! The System had full belief in the user's ability to come up with a believable backstory in accordance with the plotline of Proud Immortal Demon Way!]

So you didn’t want to think up extra backstory sequences, and you left it to me?! You shitty AI, I’ll end you! Fuck your mother! And what the hell do you mean I can’t go against the Endless Abyss Plotline?! What can I do then? What do you mean I’m in temporary mode?!

[User’s storyline edits are free of the system’s influence! Go forth, user! The system will collect you when it’s time! Hope you can turn Proud Immortal Demon Way into a first-rate clas—]

GET TO THE POINT! The protagonist is looking at me with shining eyes here — and they were turning wounded, fuck! What do I say!?

[The System trust’s user’s ability to—]

In a fit of rage, Shen Yuan rammed his index finger into the [x] button. 

[Rate the System experience from–]

ZERO STARS! ZERO!

[Sorry User, The SYSTEM only processes whole number values!]

ONE STAR THEN! COME BACK YOU SHITTY—

Shen Yuan didn’t have more time to dwell on the useless piece of tech, because Luo Binghe’s wounded eyes were hardening by the minute. If he pissed off the protagonist now he’d get bronze-bull tortured in this lamp later! Suppressing a shiver, Shen Yuan fumbled around for an explanation.

“Oh Lord Luo,” he said feigning great sadness in his voice. “This one’s power is limited, and hence cannot transport you across dimensions. But! There is another way! There is a sword—”

And he waited for the system to chime in and reprimand him for giving hints away, but no obnoxiously blue screen hit him.

“-that is rumored to slash portals into any dimensions it so wishes. Would Lord Luo like this one to take him there?”

Shen Yuan expected easy acquiescence. After all, he was practically doing a quest giving NPC’s job. Contrary to his expectations, Luo Binghe steeled his face and refused.

“No,” he said.

“No?” echoed Shen Yuan. “But—”

“No.” Luo Binghe said again, firmly.

But why? Shen Yuan wanted to say, but that would sound suspiciously like what the protagonist said a few minutes ago, and he wasn’t going to copy a teenager.

Despite his thin face, Shen Yuan wheedled and whined. He talked about riches (no system notif), the sword (no system notif), women for such a handsome young man (No system notifs), hacks on how to gut monsters (no system notif), and a promise to reach the sword once again. Whatever he said, Luo Binghe obstinately dug his heels and refused each one.

“But why? ” said Shen Yuan.

“Because this is too good to be true. This one’s learned his lesson,” said Luo Binghe. There was a hint of self-abasement in there. “Getting one’s arm chopped off once for comforting a maiden promising a route out of here once was enough. Senior Genie clearly wants to lead this one somewhere, and it’s in poor taste to fall for one trap twice.”

Oh. Ohhh. Luo Binghe thought he was an obstacle in the form of a quest-giving NPC. This was why that bastard system was silent—it knew fully well Luo Binghe wouldn’t take the offer. Someone like Luo Binghe who had only known hardship would of course not buy into a genie clause like that without reading the terms and conditions. And Shen Yuan hadn’t even put forward terms or conditions. It was too easy.

And now it was far too late to lay down any conditions he had either; his sudden 180 from whatever you want to Please free me, young master! In a pinch would only kick Luo Binghe’s suspicion into overdrive.

Quite frankly, he was at a dead end.

System , poked Shen Yuan. Is there any way to convince the protagonist?

[The system believes in—]

CAN IT. Okay. Fine. Don’t tell me. Can you at least explain where I’m going with this temporary transmigration bullshit? If the protagonist doesn’t take me up on my offer what happens to me? Do I go back into the lamp?

[User will return to dimensional space ;u;63 created via this system instance, and be returned to Home Base. User’s body is in the brink of life and death; and only the system’s timely intervention saved it from complete deterioration. Since user v002’s body is in stasis, it will continue to be so until User’s soul returns to Home Base. No additional damage will ensue as long as plotlines are completed adequately.]

So you mean I just go back? Whether Luo Binghe takes me up on this or not, I just get to see my favorite character and go back just like that? Now you’re giving out deals that are too good to be true.

[As long as the abyss plotline progresses smoothly, there is no issue. Rate the—]

Shen Yuan clicked on the [x] button mercilessly once again.

When he looked down, Luo Binghe was staring at him emitting sparks and smoke dubiously, with his brows knitted together.

“You silly boy,” Shen Yuan found himself saying. “If you have an opportunity, why would you squander it, ah? When someone is asking you to use them, then do it! How can it be worse than your current condition! You stubborn, stubborn boy!”

Luo Binghe only dug his feet into the ground, eyes flitting from Shen Yuan’s incensed face to his hands, as if waiting for a blow.

Helpless, Shen Yuan stared back.

There was no loss for him either way but…

When he looked down, Luo Binghe’s reddened lips were bleeding. He had probably peeled a scab off earlier because of all the excitement. The rest of his outfit was still the filthy Qing Jing disciple uniform, and he was clearly favoring one leg over the other. 

Shen Yuan made a quick decision. If it didn’t work, then it was whatever. No loss for him either way.

He slapped his palms together as if in prayer, and chanted quickly in a hushed voice; “May Luo Binghe’s charm and skill be unparalleled in all of the three realms. May he acquire the most fearsome sword. May only good things await him.” 

He then clapped thrice. This was against no system stipulation and no stupid rules. This was all Shen Yuan and his dodgy genie powers.

[PROTAGONIST CHARM +INFINITY BUFF. LUCK +INFINITY BUFF. SWORD ACQUIRED +1 (XIN MO, TO BE COLLECTED AFTER QUEST). PROTAGONIST HALO UNLOCKED!]

The last thing Shen Yuan saw as he swirled out of existence was Luo Binghe’s widened eyes, blood red and hopeful.

Chapter Text

Airplane Shooting towards the Sky ✈️ 

hi did u accidentally send me ur life savings instead of making a humble

premium donation LOL. i know this was an ultra-premium subscribers

talk-to-the-author event but 

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

No. Hello, Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky.

Firstly, I didn't have any plans of contacting you before this incident

so don’t take me for one of those creepy ultra-premium members.

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

hello cucumber-bro, now im kind of scared. 

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

Oh you're online. Let me get straight to the point then.

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

uh ok. Not going to bother a premium reader hahaha

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

 … typing

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

 … typing

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

What do you think of transmigration?

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

cucumber-bro this is the most blatant sussing out ive seen in my life

do you want to publish a self-insert fic in the pidw verse? explains!!

no one wants to talk to this lowly author that bad.

that kind of money HAD to be u buying copyright LOLOLOL

Ok, any OTHER author might have gotten offended u dumped the money on them

before reaching out, but me? nope! go ahead, write all the fic you want cucumber-bro.

u can have my family heirlooms with it too for that cash HAHAHA

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

 …typing

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

YOU HACK AUTHOR. Do you have any idea about contracts?

And what do you mean “go ahead and write fic”.

You’ll let someone play around in PIDWverse just because they dropped some

money at your doorstep? You don’t even know what I’m going to write about!

What if I put you in Shen Qingqiu’s role and gender-bent you and gave you an epic romance with a tree?

Don’t you have any artistic integrity?

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

… uhhh thats an idea, alright.

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

is this a commission thing...?

im technically not supposed to write fanfic or interact with it

buuuut

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

I'M NOT WRITING FANFIC

LISTEN TO ME FIRST

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

ok

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

so u had the spontaneous idea to check what airplane shooting towards the sky thinks of isekai spin offs of pidw~~

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

Airplane. Where did Senior Genie come from?

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

cucumber-bro… are you going to put me in a genie outfit? 

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

NO. I don’t even want to talk to you

But i

Look Airplane-bro, you’re not going to believe me

I wouldn’t believe me

You can think its a prank but if any of this rings a bell

and you’re behind that crappy system I need to know.

Either you’re getting plagiarized by that shitty AI

or you know exactly what’s going on.

Last week I had a near-death experience

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

 …typing

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

uh sorry to hear that?

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

Not the point.

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

The near-death experience made! me! transmigrate!

To your novel

As Senior genie!

On that front, can you please make him wear some clothes?

I can’t magic clothes into existence for some reason

going bare-chested in front of the protagonist is getting tiring

What sort of shitty outfit have you put a male character in?

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

it’s not that bad

plenty of demon clans run around with their tits out

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

Whatever

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

Do you… believe me then?

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

…typing

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

normally i’d say yes boss bc your donation isnt a joke and play along

but cucumber bro, u sound really. really serious about this so

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

no. i dont believe you

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

Thought so.

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

Where do you live?

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

…typing

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

I MEAN. Not in a creepy stalker way! Forget it

Peerless Cucumber 🥒

Don’t tell me.

Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky ✈️ 

LOLOLOL

The next time Shen Yuan entered the world of Proud Immortal Way, his head ached something fierce. Instead of the cozy almost-death by ramen he got last time, this was a flower pot to the head situation. Right in front of his meimei! It warranted only a concussion at most! This was criminal!

System! Shen Yuan yelled. This is exploitation!!

The bastard AI didn’t answer.

After his last jaunt to PIDW; ie, as a weird genie completely incongruent to the setting, Shen Yuan landed back in a hospital room with five different IVs hooked into his arm. His family berated him for eating expired food, doctors advised him to take care of his blood pressure, and the aunty next door expressed her displeasure at having to ring an ambulance for him (the only reason anyone found him was because of an open window and the aunty’s snooping).

95% sure all of…that was a dream, Shen Yuan had opened the next update of PIDW, to be confronted with the most heinous bullshit known to man. At first, Shen Yuan assumed it was a premonition. Many people reported feelings of deja vu in their daily lives owed to dreams. 

But it couldn’t be.

What transpired in chapter 183, give or take a few details (Sensuous navel what? Exotic jewellery and wise, deep emerald eyes who? ) was exactly what had gone down in Shen Yuan’s not-dreams. The only additions to this sequence were the genie and the lamp both poofing out of existence, and Luo Binghe hanging his head in despair after this new venture hadn’t worked out.

The comments were all cursing Airplane out for various things; some were mad about the obvious whump bait; some about the Aladdin rip-off perfectly timed to the release of the new movie; some were mad there were no wives with sensuous navels.

Peerless Cucumber, on his part, was too baffled to comment on that chapter.

Three months and counting, Shen Yuan had been sure he had put it behind him. A silly transmigration experience happened to everyone who went through near-death experiences! Nothing to be scared about, the brain does weird things! If anything was the matter, a system would inform him, right?

(He had poked and prodded at the air many times on that hospital bed.)

So there was nothing to worry about.

Or so he thought until this very second.

Because standing right in front of him was the proud protagonist of Proud Immortal Demon Way; Luo Binghe in all his glory.

Unlike last time, where he was a beat-up little sheep licking his wounds with too-wide eyes, this Luo Binghe was a stallion. His dark robes were immaculately tailored and tastefully flowed past his arms. When he moved they moved with him, like a water apsara controlling the currents with her dance. His zuiyin had shaped up to be a few sizes larger than his childhood sigil, and it glowed brightly along with the two excited spots in his eyes.

“Senior Genie!” exclaimed Luo Binghe. Even his voice had sharpened like a well-tended sword honed into precision.

Shen Yuan felt embarrassed to be in his presence with the few straps of silk fastened over his crotch and nothing more (presumably it extended past his knees and to his toes, but who could say with the mist blocking all that out?)

“Ah, Lord… Luo,” said Shen Yuan, defeated after pushing for the system to show itself for the fiftieth time. He’d just have to play by his own rules once again. “I see you’ve grown into the title.”

The only thing missing from the current Luo Binghe’s figure were two women hanging from each arm. Shen Yuan politely peered to the left and right of the protagonist, but could not find anyone that fit the term. And he was using it very, very loosely as per the monster wives from the abyss. Behind Luo Binghe, there were only the gauzy red curtains connecting a living chamber to the main halls. So unless there was a wife capable of transforming into furniture, there were no chances of Shen Yuan catching an eyeful of one of the other characters.

“Senior Genie!” Luo Binghe said again. This time his eyes—were they shining? There was no way the protagonist was about to cry on him, was there? 

“Ah,” Shen Yuan coughed. What the hell was happening? Did the protagonist get infinite wishes?

Wasn’t this cheati—who was Shen Yuan kidding, this was almost to be expected from Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky. Luo Binghe stashing an all-powerful lamp somewhere and only taking it out when it suited him was right up Airplane’s alley.

“Is… Lord Luo in need of assistance?”

“Yes!” Luo Binghe nodded eagerly. Shen Yuan took three thousand double takes at his easy acquiescence. Was this not the same boy that refused to take three free wishes a few years ago? What was this complete change in attitude? 

“Oh. Hit me with it,” Shen Yuan said lamely. No fancy trick of his with his smoke or mist could compare to how bright the protagonist’s enthusiasm was.

“This—well that is—Yingying—” Luo Binghe spoke in a rush, coming to kneel beside the bed. Shen Yuan winced for his knees. 

This was when he noticed the extra person in the room he had been looking for. An ethereal woman lay on the large canopy bed, breathing shallowly.

“—has been poisoned by a rare demonic plant. Time is running out, and the only way out is to—”

Here, he cut himself off. He slanted his eyes at Shen Yuan, to see if he would know to fill the lines, like he had the little premonition about Luo Binghe’s later ascent into Lordship.

And Shen Yuan did know; Luo Binghe was obviously referring to papapa . Two men didn’t need to sit and discuss the intricacies of such a thing, so Shen Yuan coughed and rerouted the conversation.

“Of course.” he said, “I would be happy to help.”

Luo Binghe lit up with the intensity of a thousand suns. Only then did Shen Yuan notice how dimmed he had been prior. His dark circles were pronounced on his bright face, and his harried air had gone unnoticed by Shen Yuan, who had been taken aback by the protagonist’s might and beauty at first glance.

“Why didn’t Lord Luo…” Shen Yuan trailed off, mouth moving without permission, “Try that other method first?

Luo Binghe’s mouth fell open in an o. 

“This one,” said Luo Binghe clipped. “Did try the other method.”

His voice had gone high-pitched towards the end, and Shen Yuan winced at his cursed tactlessness. Of course, papapa was a delicate topic. Luo Binghe probably thought Shen Yuan was asking him that with the intentions of a lousy, perverted friend who would elbow you after your first night out with a girl and beg you for details to soothe his virgin ego. He probably thought Shen Yuan coveted his woman! Huge misunderstandings!

“I didn’t mean to—” Shen Yuan began. The more he told himself not to look at Ning Yingying, the more he found himself stealing glances at her. She had an oval face, and her peach blossom eyes slashed hanging crescents over her face, closed. It was a lovely face; illness hadn’t touched her.  “Ehem, that is. It’s a perfectly natural cure. I only wanted to know for medical purposes.”

This was ridiculous! He had to look at her to heal her with his genie magic anyway; what’s the point of doing it like a criminal?! Now he was just proving himself guilty!

Unexpectedly, a shadow fell over Luo Binghe’s moue. He spat out, “Senior genie, you know what has transpired in this room. I set out for travels right after it to find another miracle cure. If you have any judgments about it, I suggest you reserve it for someone who has not seen the end rope of desperation like me.”

What .

Luo Binghe thought—

“My Lord! You misunderstand!” Shen Yuan cried. Huge misunderstandings, once again! Luo Binghe under the misapprehension that Shen Yuan was— scandalized —by his behaviour? Ah well, doing it when the lady was asleep was really a dodgy thing to do from a technical standpoint if Shen Yuan squinted a little to the left, but —but this was PIDW! Of course Luo Binghe needed to board his sleeping wife—it was necessary from a narrative standpoint for a surefire cure! And if that didn’t work it meant Luo Binghe had to go on a quest and fight cool monsters to find a random artifact or a magical plant for the wife’s sake. 

Shen Yuan just happened to be the magic in this scenario. In one of Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky’s awful coincidences, Luo Binghe had found the perfect creature to save Ning Yingying’s life.

“You must surely have worked hard to find my artifact; why would I judge you for your other efforts? Aren’t you the same person who overcame even worse difficulties to own this chamber? How can you get broken up about my opinions? My Lord, this one is but a tool for your cause, why would there be any judgment from my part?” Shen Yuan ranted. Some of his exasperation leaked through. “I was only curious why your er—” Delicate, Shen Yuan, you need to be delicate! “Usual… methods… didn’t work.”

Luo Binghe fluffed down visibly, hair smoothing back to normal. He ruined the effect by running a hand through it. “It did work. My… methods involve blood parasites that can track down the affliction and cull it. Here, I can merely repair the damage before it attacks again and again - undoing all my effort - because the poison is undetectable.”

He turned to Shen Yuan, his hands falling over Ning Yingying’s. Like this, they made the perfect picture of a devoted wife and her lord husband kneeling down to tend to her. “Even the Tricarpal Snow Lotus couldn’t help. Only a miracle can save her now,” Luo Binghe said, still looking at him. His eyes shone with pleading.

Alright, alright!! Shen Yuan got it. No need to blow this out of proportion, protagonist! 

“Of course,” Shen Yuan nodded. It felt a little embarrassing to mimic the overdramatic ritual from last time—three claps and a prayer motion—but the same mist of green surged up from all four corners of the room, and ensconced Ning Yingying in the fog. One of Luo Binghe’s hands shot out to grab her wrist, but nothing of note occurred. Ning Yingying lay there, breathing and resting, as the mist worked its magic.

Shen Yuan could feel the purr of that qi in his breastbone below the tacky jewellery, mining away at Ning Yingying’s natural qi barriers. Luo Binghe whipped his head between Shen Yuan and his wife, his wife and Shen Yuan, as if cataloguing who would disappear first. At this moment, he looked young, unguarded, nothing like the Huanhua Palace Master who would soon—if Airplane’s early synopsis was to be believed—become the Demonic Emperor of the Three Realms. 

Fondness crept into Shen Yuan’s heart for the sight. He smiled reassuringly at the protagonist.

“She will heal,” Shen Yuan said. 

“Will you sta—”

Shen Yuan cocked his ear, wondering if this was his second wish.

Just as he thought this, the most obnoxious bells bombarded his hearing. His ears rang, and the rest of the world blurred into white noise.

Stop it!! What do you want from me?!

[It is not permissible for User v002 to fulfill more than one (1) wish for the same customer!]

You made that up. You totally made that up.

[^^ The System requests the user to have more faith in its interface.This decision was based on 95% narrative fulfillment and 5% user interests—]

YOU WANT ME TO HAVE FAITH AFTER THOSE STATISTICS YOU—

[Be as it may, giving the same customer three wish perks will end in account termination. User is under system contract to be summoned as per the lamp’s customers' will in exchange for the System preserving User’s life, body and station in Home Base. This clause includes adhering to rules made for narrative immersion. Please proceed with caution!!]

Was this… was this machine saying Shen Yuan would keep getting yanked into PIDW because it saved his shitty life months ago?!

“Senior Genie? Senio—” Shen Yuan could only hear the protagonist in bits and pieces now. The power in his chest had subsided into a low, peaceful thrum. Ning Yingying was meant to wake up any second.

[User’s narrative role fulfilled!]

The system rang and rang like a million bells. With that, the air under Shen Yuan’s not-feet swirled and swirled, taking him along with it. He barely got a She’s okay!! out before the blasted thing did.

That night, PIDW’s newest update ended in Ning Yingying getting poisoned by one of the cleverer lackeys of a jealous fellow wife. The next day, Jealous Wife broke down in front of their lord husband wailing about how it was all done without her knowledge, and that she didn’t want Ning-guniang to really die, but this poison was from her hometown and she had never heard of a cure for it. Luo Binghe immediately set out to find an appropriate herb or cure as per the palace physicians’ input, and trudged back to Huan Hua with the Tricarpal Snow Lotus.

It was all the start of a normal arc.

While Shen Yuan kept telling himself this, he still scrolled a little too fast past chapter 204, grimacing. The papapa scene cut off after Luo Binghe had administered the ehem, cure.

The fans cried happy tears for the somnophilia content after 5 chapters of nothing; but Shen Yuan allowed himself to imagine more. The picture he was painting in his mind was of a dimly lit room, the candles flickering oddly. Luo Binghe would raise his wife’s unresponsive wrist after the treatment to check her meridians, and find them clogged still. She’d lay there, wet and dirty, and the protagonist, who would surely not let anyone else see his wife in this state— would clean her up with the washcloth Shen Yuan had noticed by the bed. 

In the world between the black-out scenes of Airplane’s story, someone like Luo Binghe despondently wiping away the reminder of their papapa… this scene made Shen Yuan’s stomach churn.

The rest of the chapter was about Senior Genie’s reappearance; the commenters were politely interested if he would be a recurring character. 

User Cang Qiong’s Stair Cleaning Manager was pleasantly surprised that day. After all, Peerless Cucumber hadn’t descended from the heavens to reprimand her for shipping the cute genie character with the protagonist! He was oddly touchy about his newest victim to hate on.

Oblivious to all this, in his fancy apartment in Shanghai—for the first time in his life—User Peerless Cucumber went to bed without finishing his update of Proud Immortal Demon way, uneasy.

Chapter Text

This time when Shen Yuan almost ‘died’, he had fallen into a train platform and hit his head on the planks. -1000/10 experience. He came to cursing the system and cradling his head in phantom pain.

He had been looking forward to getting more noodles at the grocery store! This genie schtick was unpaid labour!!

Here laid Shen Yuan’s new plan, dead (killed by the foolish man who called himself Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky) and rotting: Since the system and Shen Yuan were now more or less in cohorts, and he wasn’t likely to get stuck in a lamp forever as long as he fulfilled Luo Binghe’s wishes, it meant that he didn’t need to use his earlier plan AKA Make the Protagonist Use His Wish on Freeing me. Two things were set in stone no matter how OOC Airplane made Binghe: 

1. The protagonist would always repay his debts back—good or bad— a thousandfold.
2. The heavenly pillar’s size

So while Luo Binghe undoubtedly had three thousand things he should be wishing for, it wouldn’t be far-fetched to think that he would spend his golden card on freeing Shen Yuan. 

Shen Yuan didn’t want to consider what the system would make of a wish made out of gratitude like that; while he liked his xianxia, he didn’t want to be trapped in one, especially one as fickle with the laws its predecessors had set up like PIDW.

So the perfect solution was obviously to quickly anticipate Luo Binghe’s wishes through PIDW’s drafts and get the hell out of here.

If it weren’t for that idiot Airplane’s disbelief….!

“Is Senior Genie looking for something?” Luo Binghe said, sticking his head into Shen Yuan’s line of sight. Shen Yuan startled. 

“No!” said Shen Yuan. Then cleared his throat. Now he had to do his job, and suss out what Luo Binghe wanted. “No. How has Lord Luo come across this one again? How may I assist you?”

“That’s a secret,” Luo Binghe said sweetly. “As for assistance…does Senior Genie not want to see what his blessings have brought me first?”

“ My blessings?” Shen Yuan gaped, taking new stock of the room. It was right out of a high-budget xianxia set—all opulent gold and crimson streaks and decor worth hundreds of precious stones. What Luo Binghe was wearing—a sleek black robe with gold etched on it in swirls of dragons and carps—was probably the least expensive thing in here. “What does Lord Luo mean? Didn’t he work hard to find these treasures?”

“Well, yes,” Luo Binghe said, and he was approaching Shen Yuan slowly, like a tiger seizing up his opponent—except Shen Yuan was no one’s opponent, please and thank you! The system was his only enemy and he liked keeping it that way. Life wasn’t a dogblood drama to obsess over your rival. “But without Senior Genie’s blessings, this one would never have made it this far.

“Oh, Lord Luo greatly overe— stimates—Lord Luo!” Shen Yuan shrieked. Luo Binghe had pounced! Where Shen Yuan—or more precisely, his lamp—was on the ground a few seconds ago, it was now cradled in Luo Binghe’s arms. What was this?! Was he supposed to do Luo Binghe a solid and give him a scalp check?! “What are you doing?!”

“This one is assisting Senior Genie’s locomotion,” Luo Binghe said gracefully. Shen Yuan tried very hard not to think about how his breath ghosted over his naked torso. This was— was—

“I do not want any assistance of this variety!” To this, Luo Binghe began to open his mouth, which Shen Yuan curbed by putting his hand over the protagonist’s mouth. “Stop that! Please hold me… away from your body.”

“Why?” Luo Binghe asked, although with his cheeks squished so, it sounded more like Whai . It carried the petulance in his tone well. 

Why?! “Because!” said Shen Yuan, refusing to let him say any further. “Lord Luo, this humble one has other ideas, so please put me on—that desk—that desk over there!!”

…

Was it just him or was Luo Binghe dragging his feet? The journey to the rosewood desk a few steps away seemed to stretch on forever. 

Shen Yuan was gently lowered to the table, where he was now slightly above Luo Binghe’s eye-level. In his mind’s eye, Shen Yuan materialized a settings tab for all the qi in him, and toggled with the size.

Phew! There! Perfect! He was around Luo Binghe-sized instead of a hulking creature of epic proportions. When he opened his eyes, it was right to Luo Binghe’s unblinking dark ones.

“I apologize,” said Luo Binghe, looking contrite. Shen Yuan didn’t believe it for a minute. “In my haste to show you around, this one was disrespectful.”

Hey… young man, hadn’t you grown out of being a churlish teen a long time ago? What’s this? 

Shen Yuan cleared his throat. “No need for apologies, my Lord. I hope you’re all in good health? How is your shijie?”

It was only polite to ask about the poison affliction from last time even if Shen Yuan knew exactly what had happened to her from the later chapters; she walked it away like she always did and came back to frown and pout at the Little Palace Mistress’s arguments in the very next chapter.

Feeling quite clever for having made small talk, Shen Yuan barrelled on^[1], cutting to the meat of the chase: “Why have you summoned me, my Lord?”

Luo Binghe didn’t answer, instead choosing to stare at Shen Yuan in fascination. He suddenly had the urge to rip a curtain off the bed’s canopy and cover himself under his careful stare. If only this room wasn’t swelteringly hot….! Shen Yuan didn’t have the same sense of modesty people from this world would have owed to their xianxia roots, but even he had some shame talking face-to-face to a man in five grand layers when Shen Yuan himself was dressed up in head to toe in baubles and only baubles.

“Senior Genie mentioned… alternate ideas?” Luo Binghe said, still not-blinking. Shen Yuan had lost the staring contest; he looked away as his face heated.

“Alternate ideas— oh , yes, that—do not lower yourself by carrying a man in a lamp around,” Shen Yuan mumbled. He didn’t want the disrespect to come bite him back in the ass in the future. “If you were to procure something like a cart…. Then this one could just be hauled along.”

“Come out now, Hualing,” Luo Binghe called out. Shen Yuan startled. He hadn’t noticed another presence—but there was indeed a shadow behind the curtains.

“It is not Hualing,” said a smooth voice. Her features behind an alluring veil, the figure that emerged out of the shadows was a sight for sore eyes. A light purple robe that was tucked into arm guards, flowing black hair and regal bearing; this could be none other than Liu Mingyan!

Shen Yuan, like any normal man with eyes, appreciated it. It was high time he saw a woman with the xianxia filter on around here! He was half-afraid this was turning out to be a gay novel, haha! You can’t fill all your pages with brotherhood, after all! 

Ha… ha…

Mentally: Slap, slap, slap. Some things were just too sacred to joke about, you idiot! What was Luo Binghe without his very female harem??

Well, a lot of things. But it was definitely an important part of the narrative.

“Mingyan,” Luo Binghe greeted. “What brings you here? Weren’t you on a night hunt?”

“On a night-hunt with Hualing. We returned at dawn,” Luo Mingyan said, with no inflection in her tone. Luo Binghe grimaced. Shen Yuan rubbed his hands together evilly like a cartoon villain uncle spying on his OTP. “I thought I had something useful for you, but… This is Senior Genie, I presume?”

Her gaze slid to Shen Yuan, who almost fell over bowing. His face was hot to touch.

“This one’s name is Shen Yuan,” mumbled Shen Yuan, who didn’t bother to make up fake names in a completely different world. What were they going to do? Google him? “None of you have to address me so respectfully.”

And besides, this senior genie business was embarrassing! Oh I, Senior Genie, with the power of the moon will grant you all your wishes —? That sort of thing was alright once or twice, but doing it all the time was getting to him. He was starting to look like a chunnibyo living in his mother’s basement.

“Liu Mingyan,” said Liu Mingyan. Ahhhhh! A lady of a few words, very elegant. Perfect for the protagonist who liked his monologues. Opposites attract! “A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Senior Genie. Bin—Lord Luo has talked in length about your help.”

Talked about him how? He shot the protagonist a polite glance to find him smiling at him already, close-eyed.

Oookay, it was just going to be more embarrassing mystical genie descriptions. He got enough of that from his Proud Immortal Way appearances. If one more commenter said he was a surprise wife, he would do something inadvisable with their address.

Liu Mingyan left soon, promising to bring a cart over.

It was a bright and sunny day in the central plains next to Hua Yue City. Birds chirped in the courtyard. The fishpond remained placid. Shen Yuan watched a young Huanhua disciple’s jaw drop at the scene in the hallways. It was thus:

Their Palace Master—yes, that one–the one that was the up and coming ruler of the two realms, was dragging a cart behind him. It wasn’t a rickety sort of cart fit for the plain, unadorned lamp. It would be more suitably called a sedan chair, carried by a single person. Shen Yuan idly wondered just whose wedding chair he was reusing. Liu Mingyan had truly outdid herself.

Shen Yuan nodded to the gaping disciple. The disciple scurried away.

“Apologies for any offense, Senior Shen. I asked them to make themselves scarce from the hallways for today,” said Luo Binghe, slow.

Shen Yuan smiled warily. What was that plotting revenge against 18 generations of their family tone there, protagonist?

“Maybe they weren’t around for your announcement,” said Shen Yuan, trying to defuse the tension. Since he had refused to be carried, Luo Binghe was acting…. Moody. Like a girl assuring you it was fine you didn’t get her the limited edition pack of this product and that she would just grab it later, only for you to find out that it had been sold out a long, long time ago and that she had been harbouring a grudge against you since quite a while.

Was the rejection such a disappointment? Was dragging a cart along too much for the protagonist?

Shen Yuan kept all these thoughts to himself.

“That way is the library,” said Luo Binghe. Shen Yuan perked up. With his face brightening, Luo Binghe led him through a corridor. It was extravagantly built; there were portraits lining either side of the red walls with high ceilings.  Luo Binghe was eerily reminiscent of a NPC pointing this and that out for you to judge clicking what graphic will drop the most items, or even a contractor, who wanted you to know the cost of cement per sq feet. 

“Is that stone, my Lord?” 

“It is. Guo-guniang’s family is part of the northern stone tribe. She wanted a piece of her family with her here.” said Luo Binghe. He tacked on for context, “Guo Gensheng is my wife.”

Shen Yuan grimaced. The stone stuck out like a sore thumb on the carefully adorned wall. If the stone frame surprised him, what he saw on the opposite wall eclipsed it: it was a portrait frame made of pure ice! If he squinted, he could see snowflakes in this ancestor’s eyes.

“Ah, that’s Zhu Kaiyan’s keepsake from her family,” Luo Binghe smiled. It looked strained around the edges. A small memory was making its way into the forefront of Shen Yuan’s mind; something about two wives pettily squabbling over who got to tend to a rare, sick Luo Binghe recovering from one of Xin Mo’s particularly nasty backlashes. Their arguments had reached a point where they tried to outdo each other in every inane task: table arrangement, sewing, swordplay, qi condensation and even decor. If Shen Yuan had his wives right, Zhu Kaiyan was of the Mobei clan; a distant cousin of Mobei Jun’s, and Guo Gensheng from the desert lands had followed her rival to the palace.

The only explanation for this tacky interior design was one of their feuds getting out of hand. 

Ahhh, how troublesome. 

Shen Yuan looked at the protagonist in new-found sympathy. 

“That’s interesting,” Shen Yuan said, and nothing more. Luo Binghe hummed.

The door to the library was as fancy as the rest of the estate; built entirely of solid gold, the knocker was thick and heavy in Shen Yuan’s arms. He felt his shortcomings keenly when Luo Binghe slid the knocker out of his hands gently and opened the door in a single push.

Shen Yuan couldn’t be disappointed in his noodle arms for long; the library’s dazzling lights blinded him. Long shelves zigzagged through the humungous dome.There were nooks to read in by every fourth shelf. Shen Yuan barely resisted the urge to gape.

“Senior Shen must have read every book on the shelf,” said Luo Binghe. At Shen Yuan’s questioning glance, Luo Binghe explained, “This one took the liberty to gain more information on Senior’s species. It led him to the conclusion that they are knowledgeable and awe-inspiring.”

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky, how do you keep going lower???!!! Did you put Aladdin and the Magic Lamp into Proud Immortal Demon way?!

Shen Yuan dipped his head in acknowledgement coolly, to preserve Luo Binghe’s image of him—a good little scholar. Inwardly, he was sweating bullets. If Luo Binghe veered slightly off course and asked him about politics instead of a plant he was finished.

“Thank you, Lord Luo,” said Shen Yuan. “This library is vast and proud. It’s an honor to be here.”

“A creature thriving on knowledge such as yourself would understand how precious these texts are. It’s why I brought Senior Shen here. After touring this wing of Huanhua Palace—”

And so he had. Although he hadn’t come across any of the wives! What a possessive man you are protagonist! You asked them to hide away just because of another man’s presence.   

“—and witnessing all the riches this one has accumulated….Senior Shen seems impressed with most of it—”

Ah, so Luo Binghe had noticed him wincing at the portraits.

“—and so this one has to clarify; my standing here was only possible because of you, Senior Shen. You have my utmo—”

“Please! Leave this place at once!” a shrill voice broke through Luo Binghe’s tirade. Shen Yuan had been coloring progressively throughout it, and appreciated the break. Oh protagonist, that silver—no, golden tongue of yours! No wonder this man had more than fifty women under his belt. He was giving away Earnest Speech Freebies like they could be found in the trash!

Instead of startling like Shen Yuan had, Luo Binghe stilled. He then looked up at the ceiling for a moment. On anybody else, this would have looked like an eyeroll. But not on Binghe! He’d saved the movement by blinking his eyes open right after to reveal blank pools of black.

“Why are you—” indistinct mumbles “—dare you ask me to—”

“One moment,” said Luo Binghe, excusing himself.

Shen Yuan wanted to say, Hey! Take me with you! pathetically, but he kept it to himself. He got it. No harem drama for poor Senior Genie. 

The moment Luo Binghe left for the source of the voices, Shen Yuan angled his body towards the alcove unashamedly. He cocked his ears for more.

“Didn’t I—leave—important—” Luo Binghe.

“—know me, A-Luo!” A-Luo?! Was that Ning Yingying?! She sounded a bit… “I asked—not a single—there!”

Well, she sounded way more childish than Shen Yuan’s lacking imagination could ever have hoped to conjure. With that tone, she wouldn’t be out of place in a middle schooler slap-fight! Listening to Liu Mingyan on one end and Ning Yingying now, it was clear who was superior! Go, BingLiu!

Shen Yuan’s roasts were broken up by the third voice: a grating whine. If Ning Yingying was a middle schooler, this one was your mean highschool teacher who acted like a toddler. If she wielded her tongue right, she could be voice acting for kuudere on TV, instead this woman was here, defending her right to use a library against Luo Binghe and Ning Yingying.

“What good impression?! I will go anywhere I please—don’t touch me, Luo-shixiong! You picked a wing that had been entirely warded off— do we embarrass you? Is that it?”

Sharp jabs cut across the floor in tandem with the Little Palace Mistress’s steps. Shen Yuan immediately got back into his previous position; hands lax and casual, leaning against a shelf.

“Xiao-mei, why do you ask impossible questions like this! You know what A-Luo means! Thrusting someone into a palace and overwhelming them with so many people when you are trying to express your gratitude—that’s a fool’s idea of repaying their debts!” 

Ning Yingying’s chiding followed in ‘Xiao-mei’s’ wake. Truthfully, Shen Yuan didn’t remember any Xiao-meis. But Luo Binghe was being awfully quiet in this exchange, barring his initial pleas to tone it down and move to another building. There were very few characters who Luo Binghe employed the act pitiful and don’t move to win their hand tactic with.

The woman bareling into Shen Yuan’s line of vision fit her regular description; hair in twin buns, loose pink robe and the longest bian known to man hanging from her hip. This was none other than the Little Palace Mistress!

“A-Luo, A-Luo, tell her!!” pressed Ning Yingying.

Luo Binghe was shaken around like a ragdoll. He caught Shen Yuan’s eye and smiled weakly.

“Xiao-shimei, it isn’t that anyone is ashamed of you. It’s only…. Senior Shen would be much happier if—”

“You’re taking him around the unoccupied wing for heaven’s sake! One person wouldn’t hurt him! Stop following me, stop it, stop it, stop it! I don’t need you looking out for me, Ning- shijie, and I don’t need you to pity me. I am perfectly well in both spirit and body.”

Ning Yingying’s eyes flashed. “Xiao-mei! How—How—that wasn’t—! A miscarriage is—!”

“Senior Shen!” yelled the Little Palace Mistress. Shen Yuan frowned at the volume. Only after a second of pin drop silence did he realise that she had been addressing him.

Shen Yuan said a quick prayer in his heart. The bian swung from left to right ominously within the Little Palace Mistress’s reach. She wouldn’t hit him out of the blue of course, even such a volatile character couldn’t be a complete flanderisation in real life. But Shen Yuan was essentially naked. Getting whipped on top of that would really fucking hurt, and in his heart of hearts Shen Yuan was still a poor novel enthusiast from the modern era.

Taking all this into account, he leaned away from the Little Palace Mistress, who once again approached him with purpose.

“Senior Shen,” The Little Palace Mistress spat. “Did I ruin your day?”

“No,” Shen Yuan said impassively. No ma’am!!!!! Shen Yuan cried in his heart. Please get a move on!!! 

“He says I didn’t ruin his day! Don’t thank me for asking!” With that, the Little Palace Mistress stalked off. Ning Yingying ran after her, leaving Luo Binghe to stare at their retreating forms in what looked like consternation. 

Shoo, shoo, shoo! cried Shen Yuan in his heart. That devil would get all the hate sex she wanted today in the bedroom, it was only poor NPCs like Shen Yuan that had to take all the abuse and say nothing. He could have been replaced with anything here! A maid, a demon servant, that Huanhua disciple from the hallway or even a lamp!

“It isn’t always like this,” Luo Binghe assured him, fixing his collar.

“I’m sure,” Shen Yuan agreed. It came out drier than intended. 

A theory was starting to take shape in his mind, but he wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

“Next is the kitchens, of course.”

“Of course,” Shen Yuan echoed, like he wasn’t surprised.

If Luo Binghe had a guest who was staying over for a meal, they were shown to his intimidating dining quarters. Half of it was to show off his indomitable wealth, and the other half was to use his personalized cutlery—that were actually precious artifacts—to check for poisons. Luo Binghe’s blood would immunize him against most poisons, but you couldn’t say the same for his wives who wanted to dine with him.

Shen Yuan too was shown the way to the dining area (dripping in gold, had millions of rubies inlaid on the head chair) but he had not paid special attention it. He’d considered that area crossed off the list, and that was that.

A tendril of hope blossomed in Shen Yuan’s heart; he promptly squashed it. What the hell are you thinking, you fool?! He chastised himself. The protagonist’s cooking was for the wives! W-i-v-e-s! Drink your fill through your eyeballs and go! That’s the agenda for today!

Luo Binghe led him to the cellar.

The cellar doors’ boring slate grey doors were a refreshing breath of air. Barrels and jugs were lined up until a small door connecting the place to the kitchen. Luo Binghe had to crouch to pass.

The kitchen’s first appearances were deceiving: it was a space-time conundrum in there! This room shouldn’t have fit so many things, and the ceiling was low enough for Luo Binghe’s little cowlick to brush across it, but the room was wide and hosted a number of things. Shen Yuan felt like he was staring at a picture trying to make sense of all the details only to zoom in and find more.

Warded off wing of the Huanhua Palace indeed—if this was where everyone usually stayed, it would surely have more people bustling about. It was split into sections with many partitions, and Shen Yuan assumed a royal chef or two must be cooking something up beyond one of them.

Cozy. That was the only world Shen Yuan could use to describe it. Shen Yuan wouldn’t have noticed how much tension Luo Binghe’s shoulders had acquired throughout the day if he didn’t go completely lax here, comfortable in this space.

“Yingying,” greeted Luo Binghe.

“A-Luo!” came her answer.

The royal chef was not a royal chef at all! It was Ning Yingying, who hollered back.

“Yingying was just making some porridge to cheer up um—that is—” she stumbled across her words. “Ahhh, forget it! A-Luo doesn’t need to worry, Yingying has it under control! Listen to me, just feed Senior Shen! He must be tired after that…. Outburst from…anyway, it was nice to meet you, Senior Shen! We apologize for the ruckus! Don’t think too badly of Xiao-shimei, she’s very young.”

Shen Yuan blinked. If this wife thing didn’t work out, Ning Yingying had an illustrious career as a rapper waiting for her. She had not taken a single pause to breathe.

Ning Yingying scurried past the first partition and the pickle jars in one the corners. She was covered in soot from head to toe. Unlike Luo Binghe, who had been in his element in the kitchen, Ning Yingying bumped into things here and there; a ladle, a rattled pitcher of water, and finally, an enormous tray kept innocuously close to the edge of the countertop.

Ning-meimei’s misfortune halo had struck again! The clumsy good-for-nothing low IQ debuff that turned her into a perfect damsel in distress!

Three things happened in quick succession: Ning Yingying dived to catch the tray in its downward trajectory, Luo Binghe dived to capture the tray in its downward trajectory, and the tray spited this husband-and-wife duo by splattering its contents all over the adjacent wall. Shen Yuan, who could not be dragged into the squat kitchen space in his palanquin, and hence left at the entrance, was spared from the worst of the onslaught. Doing his metaphorical duty to munch popcorn, Shen Yuan waited with baited breath for the romance scene. Luo Binghe and Ning Yingying were both drenched in broth.

 Eh, Ning Yingying wasn’t his favorite — but he’d deal.

Disappointing this reader, (and sating some of his Bingliu soul), BingNing did not dissolve into a tangle of playful limbs right then and there. Ning Yingying’s face was alternating between going entirely pale and tomato-red, and her lips quivered. As for Luo Binghe…  Shen Yuan could only see his back and his fluffy hair topped off with congee. but…

“It’s—”

“It’s not alright! Oh, A-Luo!” Ning Yingying had snapped to her senses. She leaned over to dab all over Luo Binghe’s face with her sleeve.

“ Ning-guniang — ! ” Shen Yuan began, but it was too late. He watched in a distant sort of horror as the oil red enough to give even the most veteran spice enjoyers trips to the bathroom was smeared around. Luo Binghe didn’t even flinch.

“Yingying, the broth—”

“A-Luo! What have I done?!” Ning Yingying yelled shrilly. Frustrated tears welled up in her eyes. “I made it worse! Oh A-Luo, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

Luo Binghe seemed to have been preparing for this reaction with his unshakeable countenance. He merely shook his head and said it was alright. 

Alright, my foot! Thought Shen Yuan. Anyone and their uncle could see exactly how ‘alright’ it was.

“If only we hadn’t fought earlier! A-Luo I—”

“Luo Binghe,” snapped Shen Yuan. Do you really have to that far?!

“Senior Shen?” And the surprise in his voice was very expertly faked indeed. Shen Yuan inwardly scoffed.

Outwardly, he put a pleasant smile, and said, “Your expert healing or not, that should be burning Lord Luo’s skin right this second. There was really no need to go this far. Your wish is my command, my Lord.”

“What?” Luo Binghe said, baffled. But Shen Yuan knew it was all an act!

Who was this pathetic man, calling himself the Demonic Emperor!? Even if this Luo Binghe was in his foundational stages of harem building and demon realm conquering, there was no way he would be so uncool managing his harem even behind the cut scenes! There was only one explanation: Luo Binghe was putting on an act to receive a wish!

Ahhh, Shen Yuan sighed. Who had he been kidding? Of course he was never really going to eat the protagonist’s food. Such a thing was impossible.

“This one will give you what you want, Lord Luo,” Shen Yuan nodded. And then get out of your skin! This time, he only bothered to clap once and pinch his eyes shut in a facsimile of prayer. “May Luo Binghe’s wives get along!”

Why else would Luo Binghe keep dropping hints—and then live screenings—to this humble one?

And so the wives would get along. The familiar hum of qi rumbled in his chest, and the enclosed kitchen space filled up with smoke.

“Senior Shen—”

“No need to say any more,” Shen Yuan flapped a hand around. He’d understood perfectly.^[2]

He might be a little peeved at the blatant manipulation, but how could he stay mad at Luo Binghe when he was living with all… this? Like every normal young man Shen Yuan expected to settle down with a girlfriend somewhere down the line, but if this was what it was like then he was happy wasting away in his happy apartment. One had to really hand it to Luo Binghe.

“Take care, my Lord,” said Shen Yuan, before the smoke whisked him away.

1 hr ago Mingyan jiejie’s toes

SUCH A LAME WISH LOLOLOLOL “GET ALONG, MY WIVES”??????????????!!!!!!!!! Ever since senior genie’s arrived, everyone’s IQ has been dropping to the negatives. In what world… [ click here to read more ]

1 hr ago chiikawaaah ⋆｡°✩ 

What does everyone think Bing-ge’s wish shoulda been? ₍ᐢ.  ̫ .ᐢ₎

  > 1hr ago Bountiful Peach Blossoms: Happiness. Love. His mom back…

    > 1hr ago Ning Yingying’s Ribbons: His mom… Peach Blossoms-jiejie… TᴖT

  > 30 mins ago batmanyurion: qin-meimei was dying of plot poison and airplane forgot??? Havent seen her for so long she’s always with the other southern wife. So fixing that poison. and the power to put down some demon uprising idk whats going on. and THEN maybe actually interesting like happiness or smth before airplane drops that whiff of character development

  > 1 hr ago Venerable One’s Great Sword: IDK about bingge but I want qin-meimei’s jade-like ass to come back LOLOLOLOL. Other than that, seconding upthread. QIN-MEIMEI WHERE ARE YOU?

2 hrs ago Proxy05

airplane-dada pls pick up my calls [censored]

  > 1 hr ago [MOD] king: WTF.

  > 1 hr ago [MOD] king: [Proxy05 Banned]

5 mins ago FRESHAVOCADO

Bingge should wish for a book that always has new/fresh pages in it that never depletes or fills up (like the horucrux diary) but keeps the old pages still, and every wish he writes in the book… [ click here to read more ]

  > 1 min ago Weightlesslyfloating: bro are u peerless cucumber? nerd ass

  > 30s ago Mingyan jiejie’s toes: It’s been so long since ive heard that name… (war flashbacks) Where did our Cucumber-bro go?

Peerless Cucumber🥒

Stop writing Senior Genie’s eyes into emerald orbs. 

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

cucumber-bro, what a surprise running into u this beautiful evening

u still have an ultra-premium acc

Peerless Cucumber🥒

I forgot to cancel

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

wow

so ur loaded

Peerless Cucumber🥒

Shut up.

You don't want me to tell you about how this ‘ultra premium account’ is an absolute SCAM.

Triple the premium membership just to talk to the author?! Insane

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

technically u could also ask for a canon special chap but u almost throttled me the last time i brought it up

Peerless Cucumber

That's because I don't want FANFIC in my canon. If I commission a canon chapter that's practically fanfic

Also I told you to take senior genie out for my request, you refused

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

Muse doesn't flow without his sweet sweet wishing game, cucumber-bro. u don't understand

Peerless Cucumber🥒

THEN STOP WRITING HIM WRONG.

HE DOESNT HAVE CLEAR POOLS OF POND WATER IN A FOREST IN HIS EYES

I HAVE NORMAL BLACK ONES

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

LMAO are you snooping around my head?

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

he's got green smoke, why can’t he have green eyes? a few edits from the drafts for panache

Peerless Cucumber🥒

He just doesn’t.

Also, you forgot

About Guo Gensheng’s portrait of solid rock last chapter.

If you’re setting up foreshadowing for her family launching an attack against Zhu Kaiyan’s then do it right!

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

cucumber-bro

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

the guo clan put their all-seeing rock into the portrait frame, that’s supposed to be a final twist

Peerless Cucumber🥒

What?! Right in the hallway?! 

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

the portrait isnt mentioned in any chapter bc i didnt have a clear picture on what to do there

Peerless Cucumber🥒

What? But

Peerless Cucumber🥒

…typing

Peerless Cucumber🥒

Do you believe me then?

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky ✈️ 

noodles are on u. is XXX cafe on saturday fine for u?

Peerless Cucumber🥒

…typing

Peerless Cucumber🥒

Yeah

Chapter Text

There was no time to waste. The Mobei Clan’s summoning stone did not have the skill to open a portal to the exact location of the summon. Luo Binghe whipped his head around in hopes of finding clues. The landscape was arid, and smelled faintly of boiling sulphur. The roiling heat made the Heavenly Demon take his overrobe off, yet the scorching sun prompted him to wrap himself up again. His skin was already peeling where the sun had touched it; such was its strength. Li Mao’s clan lived in this portal dimension, and as her betrothed he had to pay proper respect to her homeland. 

It was supposed to have been a quiet day. Luo Binghe had been looking forward to lounging it away next to the Palace Pond, making sweet love to his numerous wives. His demonic qi built up and built up in rage; how dare those demons of a rival clan from the same dimension kidnap his wife?! Preposterous! They had been about to get busy!

He picked up a rancid odour to his west, and tracking that, Luo Binghe saw it; instead of a mirage of paradise, a murky green and an odd grey together oozed out of the ground. And in the middle lay his beloved wife.

Luo Binghe immediately boarded Xin Mo, cutting through the air as if a falcon.

Li Mao sought refuge in her Lord’s arms, her bountiful breasts crushing into his broad chest. 

“Oh, My Lord,” she sighed sweetly, “You’re infallible.”

[Excerpts from PROUD IMMORTAL DEMON WAY; Chapter 238]

“Senior Shen, this one must apologize for his misstep. This one had summoned you before receiving a distress call from his wife and entering this mirror dimensi—”

“Lord Luo! No need for all that, no need to play coy.” Shen Yuan said. “I know just what you need.” Shen Yuan had picked up the drafts from Airplane, and this place could only be wife #55—Li Mao’s—eccentric homeland: The Mirror Dimension.

"Coy?" Luo Binghe echoed. Oops. Immortal genie persona fail. Shen Yuan might have been a little too eager about this.

With the help of the drafts, Shen Yuan could easily anticipate Luo Binghe’s wishes, and clear the area before the protagonist did something drastic like wish him out of the lamp over gratitude!

Luo Binghe began, doubtful, “And you do?”

“Ehem, of course. Clairvoyance isn’t guaranteed to work all the time— you know how skills like divination can be—” if the roleplay with Madam Meiyin was any indication! Two cheaters, both of them! “—they’re always a hit or miss. This one is most certainly a hit. We shall get Li-guniang out of there immediately so you may enjoy your tea, My Lord.”

“But this one wante—”

And with three claps, Shen Yuan disappeared into whence he came from. 

“How did a phone falling from the first storey of a building almost kill you, san-ge?!”

“...It was a nokia.³”

The Palace was in an uproar! One of the Southern Demon Realms most prominent clans had declared a duel on the other! One of them was the Sha Clan of the South-west, and the other the Nie Clan of the South-east. 

Emperor Luo strode into his throne room with purpose, comforting two of his wives who were concerned over his well-being. Wang Airan and Sheng Yunli were both humans after all, and they weren’t accustomed to the violence of the demon realm. What was a friendly spat to the demons, was a frightening massacre to the dainty ladies.

“Oh, Binghe!” cried Wang Airan, her peach-blossom eyes wide and afraid. “What will happen to you?”

“Our Lord Husband mustn’t fight!” pitched in Sheng Yunli, “Do not give in to those fools and their demands!”

Emperor Luo merely flashed them a smile, and patted their arms; for he had to win this fight, or the loss of face would be immeasurable. Both Nie and Sha clans vassals to the emperor, going toe to toe in currying his favour. While he had wedded Sha Hualing, the Nie clan had deployed a general of their own into court to work under the Emperor’s guidance. In truth, this magnanimity was a way of ensuring their position in imperial politics.

And now that the young general had turned out to be a woman—something Luo Binghe had already known—and joined the harem, the scales were tipping in the Nie Clan’s favour. Sha Hualing’s relationship with her family wasn’t the best, considering her patricide, and it definitely wasn’t enough for her brother to have second thoughts about requesting a duel from the Emperor.

[Excerpts from PROUD IMMORTAL DEMON WAY; Chapter 261]

“Senior Shen,” greeted Luo Binghe. His voice was muffled. “We meet only when this one is in poor form.” 

You again?! Shen Yuan cried in his heart. He had been in the middle of a game before a swarm of hornets coincidentally buzzed from the park bench he chose. Earlier, he could’ve cursed Airplane for the lamp ex machina and his subsequent almost-deaths wholeheartedly, but now that he’d been acquainted with the rat, it was obvious that the chapters only came to him in visions to edit as he saw fit.

System, you bastard, you’re ruining this story with asspulls!

“Lord Luo,” Shen Yuan simpered. The only reason he hadn’t yelled or hit something when he came to nodded back.

One of the protagonist’s perfect cheeks was bloated and red. The rest of his face didn’t escape unscathed; his lips had scars that were barely visible, and his left eye had fading purple bruises. The Purple Preying Mantises had really done their thing. And the Five-headed Red Anteater. And the Fire Tailed Bull Scorpion. There was a reason even Luo Binghe couldn’t recover in a day.

“Senior Shen was always so curious before,” said Luo Binghe. “Now you barely ask this one anything.”

...

Shen Yuan was never a NPC that required the protagonist to info dump! Unless... something had shown on his face all the times Luo Binghe had hurried to explain. Cringe, cringe, cringe! He really needed to work on his persona. Shen Yuan's normal poser skills were probably child's play to the BOSS level poser protagonist.

“What’s there to ask? The young lady that summoned me already explained it all,” Shen Yuan bullshitted, getting over his thin face. “Fighting a duel in such a state is inadvisable, Lord Luo.”

“Is Senior going to use the wish to make the Sha Clan head yield?” Luo Binghe asked, with preternatural calm. Shen Yuan stared. Was it just him, or was this too quick? 

“Don’t do that,” Luo Binghe said.

What.

“Of course I won’t!” Shen Yuan scoffed. 

“This one—wait, you won’t?” Luo Binghe blinked.

What did Luo Binghe think Shen Yuan was, a novice? Of course the protagonist had to overcome his trials by himself! That was the appeal! It wasn’t advisable when Luo Binghe fought Elder Sky Hammer, nor was it advisable when he went after the Heavenly Officials with a half-former pill, or when he travelled 800 li by sword in a single night due to Xin Mo’s portals malfunctioning. But did that stop him from doing it? Whatever Luo Binghe put his mind to, he would succeed. Those were the laws of the universe. Shen Yuan wasn’t going to mess with that. If he took away Luo Binghe’s coolness points, could he even call himself a loyal commenter in the PIDW forums?

No, Shen Yuan wasn’t going to let Luo Binghe win. Shen Yuan was merely about to cure him from the intense poisons of the Fire tailed Bull Scorpion, and go his merry way.

“No,” Shen Yuan said coolly. “I’m only levelling the playing field—”

“Senior Shen,” said Luo Binghe, and this time he sounded… despairing?!

“Not to worry,” said Shen Yuan calmly. Luo Binghe probably didn’t want to look dishonorable in front of him by asking him to heal all his wounds. You really didn’t have to worry, protagonist. Shen Yuan had seen enough of your black-bellied ways. You didn’t need to pretend like this. “The Sha clan head challenged Lord Luo only because he knew you were injured.” 

No one would dare otherwise!

“That—”

“May Luo Binghe be return to full health!”

Clap. Clap. Clap.

Puffs of green popped out of the crevices in the ornate throne hall.

And once again, Shen Yuan was back home.

“Bro, you cured him! Why didn’t you stall and wait for him to make another wish?! What am I going to fill chapter 262 with now?!”

“I don’t know,” said Shen Yuan. “Let’s get cold noodles. Food’s on me.”

“Ah Senior Shen, you’re truly the best—ouch! What’s that for?!”

“Never call me Senior Shen ever again!”

“Okay, Senior Genie! I might not have the power of the moon and PIDW on my side like you do but—Look, you’re laughing! That was a laugh!”

“Don’t get used to it.”

“Cruel! How cruel, Cucumber-bro! You’ll have to buy me noodles to repair my broken heart.”

A high-pitched squeal broke the silence of the night. Luo Binghe shivered, and hugged his knees closer to his chest. There was very little warmth to be found in an alcove a few ways into the backyard of where a manor used to be. He had found it only last week, when the pavement next to the old Guanyin Temple grew too cold for any squatters.

Luo Binghe peeked out of the corner he had cozied up in. No, cozied up was the wrong word— it was only cozy by a stray cat’s metric, hidden away from the ones who’d pick you up by the scruff and kick you around, and safe from dogs. He had gotten in through a crack on the cold, cold wall in the western end, and had further migrated to the east, where there was marginally more cover from the elements in the form of an abandoned curtain—more a gauzy rag now– over a thick patch of grass. From his vantage point, he could see the stalls and the scholars, the young masters and the perfumed mistresses, living their lives with their heads held up high.

They were the kind of people who would have dumped their clothes on his mother and given her work, and she would have scrubbed and scrubbed that young lady’s precious outer robe more carefully than the wealthy butcher’s son’s pants. Before she had fallen ill, Luo Binghe’s mother liked to meander through the streets, telling him stories about how the vegetable seller used to dog her father around when she was a young girl, and how the seamstress was new to town. Without her, Luo Binghe wouldn’t have known anybody’s names, or the best places to hide, or be given the occasional bowl of gruel out of pity bred from familiarity.

Then when the day was done, they’d go hand-in-hand to the sweet stall, and mother would curl what little sweet they could afford into his pudgy palm.

Luo Binghe didn’t have a particularly strong sweet tooth, but when he spotted the boy dressed in fine brocades feeling around the ground for his felled tinted lenses, and saw the scattered pea flour cakes, he felt a great indignation rise in him. 

That was the source of the squeal; the young master had clambered on top of the wall in a fit of adventure, carrying snacks that were as easy as breathing for him to obtain, and wasted it all. Luo Binghe’s stomach growled. He hadn’t been able to scrounge up anything more than a sad vegetable stew three mealtimes ago, and he felt too despondent to go back to their—all his, now—straw house in the outskirts of the village. The fishermen that had picked Luo Binghe up had only chanced by his mother since she lived so close to the river, but sometimes Luo Binghe wished it wasn’t so. Close to the river was far away from the city, and without the hustle and bustle to disturb him, Luo Binghe often went hours doing nothing but stare at the wall.

He had finally summoned up enough courage to travel to the foothills of the Cang Qiong Mountain; here was housed the prestigious Cang Qiong Sect, who were rumoured to take in any stray as long as they showed even meagre aptitude at cultivation. Their entrance test had sounded funny to Luo Binghe when mother had narrated grander stories of cultivators and flying words and foul demons, but digging a hole to the best of your ability was something even a nobody like Luo Binghe could do, compared to the many tests and riches required for the other sects.

He now used some of that courage to approach the young master, shielding his eyes against the bright glow. Under the pretense of righting the lantern that had gotten knocked off from its perch on the wall—lit up everyday by an old tailor who remembered the abandoned manor’s inhabitants fondly– Luo Binghe shuffled closer and closer on all fours.

The young master hadn’t noticed anyone crawling towards him yet.

Luo Binghe had never eaten a pea flour cake before.

The one closest to the lantern was lit up in a nebulous yellow. Luo Binghe extended a slender hand and moved closer, and closer, and…

THWACK!

“Aiyah!” cried the young master Xue. “What are you trying to do, you beast?”

[Excerpts from PROUD IMMORTAL DEMON WAY; Chapter 21]

From what Shen Yuan could tell, Xue Jingyuan wasn’t a very interesting villain. All he had going on for him was his wealth and his connections to corrupt Heavenly Officials—the two assets assigned to a perfect C grade movie character. This character existed solely for a small callback to an earlier chapter in a rare fit of genius from Airplane and for the protagonist to beat black and blue in an unimportant duelling arc that was built up for the real heavenly realm chapters.

Shen Yuan had landed dab smack in the middle of an open street, ringing with the rambunctious laughter of the children playing tag, and the hawkers promoting their wares. He spawned under a thatched awning in front of a roadside inn, where his summoner was lounging with a cup of tea.

“What do you want,” Shen Yuan said, cutting right to the chase. He allowed himself to look around. No one was particularly bothered by a grown ass man swooping out of a little lamp, obscured by mist. Was this an illusion of some sort?

“Xue Jingyuan at your service, Senior,” the little snake said, answering a question unasked. “Please partake in some tea.”

…Xue Jingyuan? That spoiled young master?

Shen Yuan had expected him to look… less… scaley. 

“How can I assist you, Xue-gongzi?” Shen Yuan enquired coolly.

“Oh, straight to the point! That's perfect,” Xue Jingyuan said, slime dripping—literally— dripping down his maw. He hastily pulled a handkerchief from his robes and dabbed at it. “Ehem, this lord’s heard about Senior’s exploits. They say there is no poison your ilk can't cure, and no mountain one can't scale with your guidance.”

Inwardly, he poked the system with a stick. System, system you stupid AI , wake up!

[ The system provides—]

Is it okay fulfilling the wishes of canon fodder other than the protagonist? This guy clearly wants me to do something for him.

[Satisfying the customer is top priority. The system recommends the Host approach this with his own judgment!]

Okay, so since he's my customer this time, I just… do what he tells me to?

“This lord heard you were able to cure an affliction even the Tricarpal Lotus couldn't. You see, I have friends in high, high places, Senior,” and his eyes flicked to a man whose face was hidden behind a large straw hat. His outfit didn't particularly stand out for the setting, but they looked deceptively new, compared to the worn in cotton robes of the other people at the humble inn. Even Xue Jingyuan’s sparkling new commoner garbs had more wear and tear to them. 

A Heavenly Official? Shen Yuan swallowed.

“But even they can't banish this curse inflicted on me. Senior, look at this—” and the snake started stripping in the middle of the street????! Shen Yuan stopped himself from swivelling his head around to check the crowd’s reaction on autopilot. He didn't want to be chased out of somewhere for public indecency in any life, thank you!! Then he realised it was probably not odder than another man decked in jewelry talking to a snake. 

“What are you—” Only belatedly did this landscape being an illusion dawn on him again. No charges for public indecency then!! Good!!

Naked from waist up, Xue Jingyuan leaned back on the chair. His chest was mottled in fur, coarse and thick like a mountain bear’s, and there were scars running up and down his shoulder. While his posture was relaxed, there was a fervent light in his eye Shen Yuan didn't like. 

“Look at this! A nasty yao got me on a hunt, and it fed on the resentment of that stupid beast I culled! This is what my body’s become now– I'm unsightly! All over the place! Senior, you, with your experience in mitigating impossible poisons should surely be able to help me.”

…. so uncool. Xue Jingyuan had gone from charming— if somewhat oily—to a bratty little boy.

And young man, what impossible poisons? There were at least three thousand of them in this district alone! Shen Yuan sighed in pity for the antagonist. If only he knew about Airplane’s inane world building.

Shen Yuan thought about it.

“Xue-gongzi,” he began. “Granting a wish should be no trouble. But this one is bound to the laws of the lamp. There are some conditions a summoner has to fulfil before they can obtain a wish.” 

In novels, you’d usually come across a certain kind of character. This one would eat from anybody’s plate as long as he was invited to, and swear no one allegiance. The audience then spat on them for being neutral to the protagonist and raged about their immoral characterization. A section of the audience even found them cool for their free spiritedness. Shen Yuan could have been one of them at this critical juncture— but he didn't want to be that sort of wishy-washy neutral helper figure.

All that aside, Shen Yuan just didn't want to help this snooty young master. Compared to Luo Binghe, who kept continuously lowering himself and being respectful (albeit manipulative), this man couldn't be assed enough to get up and greet him properly. Shen Yuan didn't care for xianxia manners— but shouldn't the pompously raised young master??!!!

“Tell me, tell me!”

“If Xue-gongzi wants a wish, he will have to duel the last owner of the lamp.”

The air around them dropped down to a chill. Xue Jingyuan’s face went entirely pale.

“I have to… I have to… duel…?” Xue Jingyuan trailed off, mouth opening and closing like a fish. 

Bingo! You know exactly who the lamp’s owner is because you stole from him, didn't you?

“I'm afraid you must,” said Shen Yuan primly. “Whether you win or lose, this one will grant you a wish as long as Xue-gongzi duels.”

Xue Jingyuan was going to duel the protagonist anyway– this humble genie was just speeding things along! When he inevitably ended up dead, Shen Yuan could go back home as per summoner laws.

“But that’s–” 

A light, airy voice cut him off. “Duelling isn't that bad!”

Shen Yuan squinted, until he realised it had been coming from the shadows, where Scary Strawhat had been lurking. They tipped their hat away from their face and smiled.

“Greetings to Senior Genie,” the Heavenly Official said. Shen Yuan abruptly realised why they had chosen to skulk in the darkness: they had a generous smattering of gold across their nose bridge, like glowing freckles, and bulged slitted eyes eerily similar to Xue Jingyuan’s current ones.

Shen Yuan’s curiosity won out. “Is Daozhang also… affected by the Yao?”

“I am!!” the official agreed cheerfully. “I don't want to cure myself though—it isn't all that bad like this.”

“Yes, yes, it's just us lowly mortals who have to put up with the jeers of the common folk,” Xue Jingyuan rolled his eyes.

Wasn't this supposed to be his friend in high places?? Where was the typical B movie villain sucking up? This man was courting death with his spoiled brat routine. 

Shen Yuan was fairly sure the earlier spike of cold qi he had felt was from the Heavenly Official too. Although being foolhardy enough to piss off someone so powerful was painfully canon typical to the average PIDW villain IQ.

Instead of strangling Xue Jingyuan for his attitude however, the Heavenly Official laughed.

“Yes, it is so. You mortals are deeply offended by a terrible host of things. Now Senior Genie,” they said, “Does the one battling have to be him?”

“What?” Shen Yuan said. 

“Xue-gongzi is very talented, but battle isn't his strong suit. His hunting is poor too– I have to say the only reason he's alive after the encounter with the Yao is because I had been accompanying him. This one couldn't stop the yao from breaking into his spiritual core and nestling there–”

“Oi, I told you to stop doing that, I can take care of myself!”

“No you can't,” And for the first time, the Heavenly Official turned disapproving. “If you could take care of yourself you wouldn't look like you crawled out of a jungle.”

“That's because you—”

“Excuse me,” Shen Yuan cut in. “Are you going to eat that?”

Luo Binghe’s palace in the demon realm stood strong and proud in the middle of absolutely nowhere. Columns of red sandalwood refined with potent warding talismans and etchings snaked across tall pillars that held the roof up. It was markedly different from the traditional inner palace Shen Yuan had been shown at Huanhua. This one had the old school dark mists bracketing it as a concentrated reserve of demonic energy fuelling the warnings.

Shen Yuan grimaced.

When he had proposed a duel, Shen Yuan hadn't thought the duo would be so efficient as to immediately dispel the illusion, pack their bags up and transport themselves into the demon realm! The Heavenly Official had cut a rift through time like it was butter paper, before grabbing Xue Jingyuan by the collar and shoving him into it.

These two were worse than a pair of children. It was a miracle the Heavenly Official had previously shut up enough for Xue Jingyuan to finish his villain monologue. Anything one said, the other blew it out of proportion, and by the end of the first ten minutes of the journey they had both been sulking.

After Shen Yuan had quickly said the Heavenly Official couldn't take Xue Jingyuan’s place— he wasn't going to derail the plot!— in a flourish of robes the Heavenly Official had disappeared, leaving two Xue Jingyuans gaping at each other in his wake.

“That's not where this Lord’s mole is! Do you not have working eyes?!”

“Xue-Gongzi, a mole isn't going to help you win a fight.”

In his haste to cut in before another argument ensued, Shen Yuan had agreed to the Heavenly Official’s terms. He could do whatever the hell he wanted as long as he walked, talked and acted like a Xue Jingyuan! Not Shen Yuan's wheelhouse!!

“Back where we began,” Xue Jingyuan mumbled about the palace, although it was more of a squeak. The real Xue Jingyuan had been gifted (or cursed) with the powers of shape shifting along with his furry little problem, and he'd chosen to prance around as… a tiny rat. Some subterfuge. The Heavenly Official was smarter than him, however, and covered him in qi suppressing talismans.

“Back where we began for a good cause,” the Heavenly Official corrected. Xue Jingyuan sneered.

The ground beneath them rumbled. Shen Yuan only had a moment to gather his bearings before the most oppressive blanket of something dunked over his head, locking his joints in place. The pressure almost crushed Rat Xue before the Heavenly Official sent a discreet talisman to shield him.

The air in front of the gate rippled, and splintered cleanly into bite sized chunks. A boot emerged from the purple haloed opening, followed by heavy-looking arm vambraces, and the tip of a sword. Dark robes swished into the entrance, and there the protagonist stood, in perfect sword form. He had healed from last time; Shen Yuan’s genie powers hadn't been able to scrub the tiredness out of his bloodshot eyes, but now Luo Binghe looked as sharply cut as a blade honed to perfection. He wasn't amused or blank-faced anymore; his snarl was clear, and the roiling qi pouring out of him was enough to make even Shen Yuan— who assumed he had some formidable qi up his sleeve for miracle reasons– choke.

“You,” Luo Binghe said slowly. His lips stretched over a humourless smile—was it just Shen Yuan, or had his canines shot up an inch? “You dare to steal what is this Lord’s?!”

Shen Yuan felt heat crawl up from his chest, burning up his entire face.

Hey…Shen Yuan wasn't a piece of land for you to throw around those dog blood drama lines. Workplace rights were a thing! Shen Yuan was just an employee, at most! An employee!

“Lord Luo can have the lamp and its inhabitant back if we fairly duel this once,” the Heavenly Official said cheerfully. 

“A fair duel?”

“Will you not?” The Heavenly Official looked surprised. 

“A fair duel implies you will leave alive!” roared Luo Binghe, smile evaporating. He charged at the heavenly-official-Xue Jingyuan with lightning speed.

The Heavenly Official sent out a quick talisman, and let it float above them in a dome. The characters etched on the sickly paper popped out to bracket Luo Binghe and the Heavenly Official both.

WTF, Shen Yuan gasped internally. What kind of idiot isolates themselves in a deathmatch ring with Luo Binghe?!

Either this guy was extremely confident in his victory or he was an idiot; by PIDW’s usual metric, it was probably the latter.

Their moves were too quick to follow. Shen Yuan’s (and Rat Xue’s) eyes darted back and forth.

The Heavenly Official fought with a simple horsetail whisk, but it parried Xin Mo’s jabs rapidly. They met each other blade to whisk, thrust to counter, until the fluorescent blue of the dorm started dimming and stuttering. 

Unfortunately, Heavenly Xue was good. If the Heavenly Official had finished up quickly, Shen Yuan could have just tossed the rat at Luo Binghe too, and left peacefully for his world.

Instead, he watched as the dying dome flickered and finally fizzled out, leaving behind a deep circle etched on the ground.

“Is that…” Shen Yuan began.

“Yes— that's what he does. Talisman master, that one,” supplied Young Master Xue, without any mocking in his tone. So this brat respected someone. He reserved further squeaks to whines whenever the official got decked.

And then, Luo Binghe ripped Heavenly Official Xue’s tongue out.

Shen Yuan stared.

Tongues didn't have bones, and it didn't produce even a dull thud when the severed appendage hit the ground. It was hard to tell whether or not it got crushed by someone’s boot.

On reflex, the Heavenly Official’s hand flew to his mouth. Luo Binghe used this as his distraction. With no care in the world, he wrenched the Official Xue's elbow from it's socket, and carelessly threw his forearm away like it was trash.

Holy shit.

Rat Xue let out a low keen, like he was the one with the mutilated arm.

For his part, Shen Yuan could only stay frozen in place. 

The dissolution of the barrier had made the air rush into the space the dome occupied. This meant Shen Yuan and Rat Xue could hear bits and pieces of monologues.

Or someone’s monologues.

The Heavenly Official posing as young master Xue wouldn't make any numbers as a villain— his IQ had been too advanced to prattle on about any evil/tragic backstories. It was also a Proud Immortal Way villain’s duty to match the protagonist monologue for monologue.

Disrespecting the time honoured tradition had rendered him tongueless. Shen Yuan felt sweat pool at the base of his neck.

“Did you know that boy was going to bite his tongue—”

“What is he going on about?!” Xue Jingyuan cried. He'd squirrelled back behind Shen Yuan’s heels, digging his paws into the ground. “This is no man— he’s wholly a demon! A monster!"

Oh, thought Shen Yuan. Xue Jingyuan didn't even remember the street rat he’d chased around town with a stick. 

It was that child who had bitten so hard into his tongue that he had to blow into the rare hot congee he had miraculously come by three chapters later. It was that child who had put up with another cold meal. The one he'd almost killed under the cover of the night in childish cruelty.

He only knew and appropriately feared Luo Binghe, demonic Emperor and Ruler of The Three Realms. He couldn't possibly reconcile the child that had crumpled into a heap next to an old temple, and not gotten up until the next morning dragging his cracked ribs and broken leg behind him, with the fearsome demon emperor beating the crap out of his friend in front of him—and he never would.

“Senior, please! You said I'd only have to duel! You said so!” Xue Jingyuan’s snout was scrunched up. Shen Yuan hadn't wondered if rats could cry, but he knew the answer now. “Senior!”

The squeaks were starting to chafe his eardrums.

“Alright,” he said distantly. He studied the Heavenly Official choking on his own blood with a blank face. “But before that.”

“My Lord, he doesn't recognize you!” hollered Shen Yuan. 

No harm in farming points with the protagonist, Shen Yuan reasoned with himself. That was what he was doing.

The Heavenly Official scrambled for his horsetail whisk on the ground. Shen Yuan swallowed. It could have just been a trick of light, but the official’s eye seemed to have caved in.

This was okay. This was all okay! Shen Yuan was going to interpret Rat Xue’s plea liberally and use all three of these bastards’ wishes on 1) healing 2) restoring and 3) getting them the hell away from there. 

By Proud Immortal Way standards they should be snivelling and prostrating themselves before the protagonist for the con they had pulled off. Shen Yuan himself had led them to the jaws of the tiger! They should have died slow, painful deaths. But Shen Yuan’s own threshold for—

Luo Binghe pivoted on his heel towards him. At this point of the fight, the Heavenly Official could do little but crawl towards the circle drawn to keep the duel contained, but it was a startling move from the protagonist to turn his back on an enemy in disbelief.

One of his bleeding eyes was entirely red. Blood vessels had ruptured in the cornea, and Luo Binghe’s usual black had been overtaken by a ring of vermillion with his zuiyin to match.

“Senior Shen,” he said with a wide, wide grin. “So you know of this Lord’s past as well. What else do you have up your sleeve?”

“Well,” Shen Yuan said, abashed. “If Lord Luo could come closer?”

“What for? Senior Shen is going to whisk these rats away as per their wishes. What else is there for this Lord to come closer for?” Luo Binghe barked out another short laugh, but he was approaching him anyway.

Shen Yuan felt wronged at the protagonist’s misplaced anger— sure, he didn't have the purest of intentions buttering Luo Binghe up (survival was top priority!)— but it wasn't like he didn't try his best to play a wise, loyal friend role. He wasn't helping these two to escape their fates out of his own volition- he was bound by the system to carry their wishes out. If the system didn't like something it pulled no punches; klaxons would have blared in Shen Yuan’s head. This only meant it was all part of the plot, right?!

“...content to listen to others but not to—”

Luo Binghe was still talking about something or the other when Shen Yuan tuned back in after his spiral. This was the first time Shen Yuan had witnessed him without his suppressed charming demeanour; the Luo Binghe was almost dragging his feet like a surly child. It would have even looked funny, if it wasn't coming from the same man who had played kick-the-can with an immortal’s elbow.

“Apologies for taking your prey, Lord Luo. This one is contract-bound to fulfill their wishes.” Shen Yuan said, as evenly as he could manage.

This time he didn't even have to clap or say it out loud for the wish to take effect. He had chanted it so many times in his head that a glittery green smokescreen easily took over the demonic landscape.

Through the smog, Shen Yuan could vaguely make out Luo Binghe baring his teeth. He grabbed one of Luo Binghe's outstretched hands— no disrespect! this was emergency bribe time— and held it palm up.

“Senior—?”

“Lord Luo asked me what was up my sleeve,” Shen Yuan murmured. 

With his eyes lowered in concentration, he produced the flour pea cakes he had pilfered earlier. 

Shen Yuan curled Luo Binghe’s fingers around the cake gently, in his best soothing voice.

“It wasn't my intention to offend you,” said Shen Yuan slowly, and Luo Binghe barely had time to blink before he dissipated into shards of light.

 [A/N: PROUD IMMORTAL DEMON WAY WILL BE ON HIATUS NEXT WEEK DUE TO THE AUTHOR’S PERSONAL MATTERS. DON’T DROP YOUR FAVORITE NOVEL!! STAY TUNED!!]

5 mins ago chiikawara ⋆｡°✩ 

What’s this, Airplane-dada, don’t you usually release 10k chapters everyday T-T Can’t you at least drop a snippet from your drafts???????

10 mins ago HEAVENLY DEMON SHRIMP

It’s been so long since we’ve seen the wives!! I kind of miss harem drama!!

 > 1 min ago Batmanyurion: agreed, bro! He’s been hunting the Night Blooming blah blah fish for a LONG time

2 mins ago Bountiful Peach Blossoms

What Luo Binghe needs is a challenge!!!!!!!

 > 2 mins ago Venerable One’s great sword: +++1

 > 2 mins ago Mingyan jiejie’s toes: Jiejie, spare our protagonist. SENIOR GENIE’ IS ENOUGH OF A CHALLENGE TO LAST A LIFETIME LOLOLOL he's more mysterious than the wives!!!!! Never listens!!!

10 mins ago Weightlesslyfloating

WHY IS BINGGE LOOKING FOR THE FISH!!! AIRPLANE-DADA HOW COULD YOU LEAVE IT HERE HE’S BEEN FISHING FOR THE LAST 3 CHPS!!! FUCK YOUR MOTHER…[click here to read more]

 > 10 mins ago FRESHAVOCADO: He’ll need the scales of the fish.

 > 3 mins ago Proxy06 : WTF bro calm down and respect the author. IP 192.168.1.1

  > 1 min ago [MOD] king: Doxxing isn’t allowed!!! 

  > 1 min ago [MOD] king: [Proxy06 BANNED]

5 mins ago FRESHAVOCADO

How will he hunt the Night Blooming Citrus fish? Don’t the scales have a particular poison?

 > 2 mins ago Mingyan jiejie’s toes: LMAO dont u know about great senior genie ex machina? He's great master airplane’s go-to.

  > 1 min ago GeniesClappingCheeks: ALL HE NEEDS IS A GOOD POUNDING, MINGYAN-BRO!!

  > 1 min ago Cang Qiong's Stair Cleaning Manager: Teehee~~

> 1 min ago Mingyan jiejie’s toes: FUCKING DEGENS. GENIES CLAPPING WHAT

Luo Binghe waded across the slime, clutching the stump where his hand had been. A hanging glob of flesh slapped his face, but he merely pushed the creature’s uvula out of the way before resuming his journey to its mouth. It was a feat and a half to crawl from its acidic stomach into this place in itself. Tiny teeth made up the floorbed, and Luo Binghe dragged his broken feet one step forwards, and then another, before he could make out jagged ivory lines cut haphazardly. 

[Excerpts from PROUD IMMORTAL DEMON WAY; Chapter 314]

“Are those teeth?” Shen Yuan gaped. Initially, he had been indignant about getting yanked into this world in front of his sister but— compared to Luo Binghe’s problems (no arm, shattered legs, missing… eye?) getting hit by a car was too underwhelming to bring up.

After their last parting where Luo Binghe had been… emotionally compromised, Shen Yuan felt like it would be the final nail in the coffin if he expressed any unwanted sympathies.

“Senior Shen, don’t use the wish to heal—”

“Say no more, Lord Luo. I understand the elixir to pick the scales of the Night Blooming Citrus Fish is more important.” 

Shen Yuan cursed the system for the stupid one wish-a-time rule. His head hit the noxious ceiling.

“Ah,” Shen Yuan tried, shimmying in his hold. “Lord Luo can… let me go now.”

Like the encounter at Huanhua Palace, Luo Binghe had him hauled up by the lamp. The only consolation was that they weren't.. touching like last time.

“The floor is acidic, Senior Shen,” Luo Binghe explained. It sounded like a fucked up childhood game, but he was right: the floor was acid. Luo Binghe’s feet were burning up. Logically, Shen Yuan had known this, and yet he had asked in the heat of the moment. 

How tactless!!

“Right, well.” Shen Yuan coughed, before giving up and settling in his hold. 

After a few seconds, Luo Binghe spoke, breaking the silence. “Some time ago, this one didn’t want Senior Shen to make that particular wish.”

“What?” 

“The wish. Senior Shen wished for ‘Luo Binghe’s wives to get along.’ That wasn’t my intention when I showed you around the palace.”

What was this non sequitur? Why was the protagonist acting so skeevy? Alright, if he was really saying the truth, and it wasn’t a blatant attempt at manipulating him then…

“But you liked it…?’’ Shen Yuan probed. 

“Some of them always got along well, more than—they just get along more openly now.” Luo Binghe said, sounding like he was leaving something out. Shen Yuan wanted to dig deeper, but the faraway look in Luo Binghe’s eyes made him hesitate. 

After all, who wouldn’t want their wives to get along, hah? Luo Binghe was probably reminiscing about the orgies he had in his mind palace.

“Lord Luo, where is your sword?” Shen Yuan said, changing the subject.

“Xin Mo’s has been shattered,” Luo Binghe said wryly. “Or this one would teleport out of the beast’s mouth.”

Right. Makes sense. Shen Yuan was looking for something to quickly alleviate the mood, but he had momentarily forgotten about the acid. How could one go on like that by choice? If Luo Binghe could fly over this acid instead… of course he would have done it already. Just watching him take one step after another was making Shen Yuan’s feet itch in sympathy. 

 “Senior Shen,” Luo Binghe said, suddenly alarmed. Shen Yuan jolted out of his fidgeting. “Don’t use the wish to repair it!”

Wasn’t something wrong with the order of things here? This wasn’t fair!

Why was Luo Binghe begging Shen Yuan to not waste his wish as if he was a sleazy husband gambling day and night and taking off with his hard-working wife’s earnings?! 

“I wasn’t going to,” grumbled Shen Yuan. “I know the scales are more important.”

“Don’t use the wish on the scales either,” Luo Binghe quickly said, even more frantic.

What else do you want? Shen Yuan gaped.

It must have shown on his face, because Luo Binghe followed with, “Your company, freely given.”

Shen Yuan suppressed a terrible shiver. Was it just him, or was it getting colder and colder in this beast’s mouth? His skin prickled.

“Lord Luo,” Shen Yuan began. Then he closed his mouth. What was that pick up line-esque dialogue right now? Shen Yuan cleared his throat. “If you don’t want my assistance with the scales, are you sure you don’t want me to repair Xin Mo for you?”

“No, Senior Shen, I don’t want that.” Luo Binghe continued, “Do you know why I showed you around the palace back then?”

Shen Yuan blinked. Where were all these non sequiturs coming from?

Without waiting for an answer, Luo Binghe barrelled on, “I wanted you to see what you’ve done for me. I wanted to reward you handsomely.”

Shen Yuan’s lips parted.

“Do you remember, the first time we met, when I was wretched in the Endless Abyss—you said you were trapped in the world of this lamp here. I wanted to free you.”

Shen Yuan felt the hairs on his arm raising. Luo Binghe's voice was deceptively even. No one walking in acid with an arm missing should have talked like that, but Luo Binghe was talking and talking and talking.

There was something significant Luo Binghe was trying to say by his excessive use of I wants in past tense, but Shen Yuan didn’t know how to decode it. The latest update of PIDW didn’t mention the lamp; only that Luo Binghe needed to find precious scales from the beast. Shen Yuan had initially assumed the protagonist was in the beast’s stomach for natural reasons, ie, he had gotten too close and had been swallowed, but now….

“Lord Luo,” said Shen Yuan, with a great sense of foreboding. “Were you in the Night Blooming Citrus’ fish’s stomach… in pursuit of my lamp?”

Instead of answering, Luo Binghe said almost conversationally, “Do you know, Senior Shen, that this lamp that binds you disappears to another part of the continent after every use?”

“Of course, “ Shen Yuan lied. He hadn't!!! All this time, Shen Yuan had thought the protagonist was keeping the lamp as back-up, and that he had been taking it out of his treasury and rubbing it whenever he wanted—an Airplane/System typical asspull! 

Luo Binghe still had the smile etched on his face. Shen Yuan’s hands shook.

System! Shen Yuan jabbed at it mentally. What the fuck is going on?!

“The lamp was in the eastern peninsula this time,” said Luo Binghe. “I had to exhaust a few precious tracking talismans to reach it.”

All this time, Luo Binghe hadn’t possessed a cheat sheet or the option to put the lamp away and dust it when he needed it. 

Luo Binghe was hunting him down.

Luo Binghe was hunting him down.

“But you don’t even want for anything,” Shen Yuan’s mouth moved without his permission. 

“Oh I do,” Luo Binghe countered measuredly. “Twenty-three of my wives have left the palace in the past month. Do you know why that is?”

“What?!” Shen Yuan sputtered, breaking the immortal genie persona. “But the wish—”

The PIDW updates didn’t say anything about this! Of course, the wives left back at the palace weren’t focused on by the narrative very much— there was always the newest monster to hunt and the coolest artifacts to find and more women to attract but—how could the protagonist’s wives leave him??!!

[The System–]

Why are wives leaving?! Didn’t the wish make them get along?!

[User v002’s wish has been fulfilled adequately. Wish protocol—]

“You wished for them to get along, Senior Shen. And they all eloped in twos and threes after doing precisely that.”

[— was successful. Romance subplots for <Guo Gensheng;&;Zhu Kaiyan> <Ning Yingying;&;Xiao Gongzhu> & others have been fulfilled accordingly. Please continue working hard!]

The system’s voice was a background ringing.

Till now, Shen Yuan had been stealing glances of the protagonist’s side profile. 

Now, confirming his worst fears, he faced the rictus directly.

That deceptive gentleness, the calm, and Luo Binghe’s grip slowly tightening on the lamp… all of it meant only one thing. 

Luo Binghe, the ruthless stallion protagonist of Proud Immortal Demon Way was pissed.

Still, Shen Yuan said weakly. “But that’s impossible.”

Luo Binghe was the protagonist. How did a harem novel turn into a gay one?! Gay people didn’t even exist in PIDW!

“You made them leave me, Senior Shen. And you didn't have the courtesy to stick around for the aftermath either,” Luo Binghe scoffed.

“The worst part is,” Luo Binghe continued. “I think they would have left anyway.”

In a detached part of his mind, Shen Yuan had still been poking at how to keep Luo Binghe’s feet out of the acid. This small part of his mind decided to chime in:

“Lord Luo,” Shen Yuan said lamely, keeping the shaking out of his voice, “The wives being gay isn’t your fault. It’s just something that happens…”

Luo Binghe’s head swivelled upwards so fast Shen Yuan didn’t have the chance to look away. His blood red zuiyin throbbed in the dimness of the beast’s mouth, casting an eerie pallor over his skin.

“Something that happens?!” Luo Binghe gnashed his teeth together. “You think it’s something that—”

EEEEEK.

On primal instinct, Shen Yuan jumped out from this predator’s grasp. He didn’t care how he did it as long as he did. He had forgotten about the lamp, the mist and the genie-ness of the situation; even if he part-timed as a genie for the next three hundred years, he would still be Shen Yuan, resident xianxia semi-otaku!! This genie life of poise and even-mindedness wasn’t for someone like him!

And he landed on acid.

The impact made a splaaat. 

In blind panic he kicked the ground with his feet, was surprised he had feet now, and then all the panic came rushing in again when his best impersonation of a dying fish on land sent more acid flying into the air.

SYSTEM!! Shen Yuan screamed, DO SOMETHING. GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Alarms blared in his ears, and Shen Yuan shut his eyes against the onslaught. 

When Shen Yuan was in higher elementary, his chemistry lab partner had been an idiot. For one of the best private schools in the country, his school was a disaster too. The only fridge next to the lab area didn’t have a single ice pack in it. One day, both these things came together in the unholy combination of his lab partner accidentally sticking his hand into a beaker of (diluted) hydrochloric acid they were banned from even looking at. At first, nothing happened. The kid shrugged it off, and Shen Yuan, though more unsure— capitulated to his demands that they not tell a teacher.

Over the next ten minutes, his lab partner’s hand went from itching to a steady raw red to a blotchy red-purple. It’s burning! It’s burning! The kid had wailed. And finally unable to hold it in, Shen Yuan had burst into tears.

Shen Yuan couldn’t remember the name of this idiot or what they did with him, but he remembered the swollen hand and the peeling skin vividly. Shen Yuan had thought Luo Binghe’s super healing would keep the worst of it at bay; he was proven wrong. With his line of sight angled towards the protagonist’s ankles, Shen Yuan could see the flesh knitting - no - trying and failing to knit itself back up.

Unlike Luo Binghe though, Shen Yuan didn’t have handy healing powers. Luo Binghe’s arm had been ripped off merely hours ago, but the stump was already growing into gnarly scar tissue that kept coming away at the seams and oozing open to build more and more muscle and bone until he had an entire arm once more. Shen Yuan only had a system that chimed in when it suited itself, and his dubious genie mettle.

All this time, he could have just sprouted legs like a plant! Where was the justice? If the system didn’t say anything when he was being humiliated on that sedan chair, dragged around like an infant on a trolley, then why would it say anything now, when he was drowning in acid?

[The system requests User v002 to look underneath the underneath ^^]

Shen Yuan startled.

A hundred fire ants were starting to crawl all over his upper body, and his brand new toes were tingling. He had been right before: the few straps of silk on him did extend past his knees. They defended his modesty, but it did nothing for the acid slowly seeping in. 

Shen Yuan inhaled a deep breath, and focusing all the qi he could muster up, he yelled:

“May Xin Mo repair itself!”

The air whooshed. It rushed into the vacuum of the great beast's mouth. The only change in Luo Binghe’s expression was his eyes glowing red from their placid black.

He flexed his new wrist, and lounged.

Get me out of here! Shen Yuan then screeched. He had nothing on underneath except the comical amounts of qi after all. As soon as he said this, he coughed out a plume of telltale smoke.

Shen Yuan’s heart lifted in elation. 

It worked! It worked!

The system’s two caveats were that Shen Yuan a) made a wish on behalf of someone else and b) granted a repeat customer only a single wish. All this time—with the protagonist halo buffs, and the wives and the trinklets and artifacts— it wasn’t Luo Binghe making a wish. 

It had been Shen Yuan all along.

Before the coiling smoke even touched him, Luo Binghe bared his teeth. He had abandoned all pretense of being a Chill Guy. ⁴ His pupils shrank, and his enormous claws swooped down in an arc.

Shen Yuan, who did not have any plans past get the hell out of dodge was wholly unprepared for such an attack. He raised a quick arm to shield himself. 

The claws never came. 

Instead, Shen Yuan was unceremoniously yanked up by his bulky gold jewellery, and swung forward by the neck.

His back prickled for more than one reason now; because in the mouth of a Night Blooming Citrus Fish, the stallion protagonist of Zhongdian’s most shameless webnovel, Proud Immortal Demon Way, was trying to eat him.

Kissing was a generous word that came with connotations. This couldn’t be dumbed down to just that.

Luo Binghe, in his frenzy, had yanked Shen Yuan up and smashed their lips together. Shen Yuan’s scalp was numb and his head had cleared out in pure terror, but he could still feel the iron tang of blood on his lip. A distant part of him dearly hoped it wasn’t Luo Binghe’s, because he didn’t want to compute the logistics of blood parasites spiking across dimensions.

Luo Binghe had a firm grasp on his hair, and used that to maneuver Shen Yuan in the direction that suited him. Shen Yuan’s arms and legs hung limp and useless, while what started out as a simple crashing of lips progressed into a mauling. From the frying pan to the fire!! He wasn’t lounging around in acid anymore, but a wolf in sheep’s clothing of a more fickle nature had grabbed him up for the taking. Acid could only char you down to a stump, but a Luo Binghe? Shen Yuan could name all the creative tortures that had befallen his foes off the top of his head. This was a more innovative one, where a soft, buttery tongue probed Shen Yuan’s inside and plunged in and out. When the blood trickled into his brain in increments, Shen Yuan jolted awake and thrashed in his hold.

In retaliation, Luo Binghe hauled him higher and bit on his lower lip.

The wounded sound that escaped the protagonist fried his higher brain function. Shen Yuan’s eyes snapped wide open. Hello????!!! Who was getting chewed on like a dog toy here???

He coudn’t even be indignant for too long, because the smoke was swirling and swirling, hiding Luo Binghe’s open-eyed intensity. He had long, long dark eyelashes. Only his zuiyin, flashing as bright as an ambulance siren could be made out in the smog filling the enclosed space up.

“Mmmf–mmh–mmhf!” cried Shen Yuan. Luo Binghe drew back. A string of spit connected their mouths, and Shen Yuan’s face darkened in—in fear. 

“You’re about to leave!” Luo Binghe thundered.

Shen Yuan thought, What?

And then he was falling, and falling into the darkness.

[Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Important things must be said three times! 100 G-Points for plot relevant realizations!!!]

What the fuck, thought Shen Yuan, heart hammering against his ribcage. 

[G-points allow User V002 to—]

Not that, Shen Yuan slammed the [x] button dazedly.

What the fuck, Shen Yuan thought again. For a hysterical second, the only additional thought he could summon up was, You could have eaten the protagonist’s cooking all along if you’d waited a few more minutes the other time, you utter idiot.

14 days ago Mingyan jiejie’s toes

There’s just a limit to this wishing bs LOLOLOL! Senior Genie better not show up to transport the scales!

 > 12 days ago Cang Qiong's Stair Cleaning Manager: Toes-bro, what's your problem with senior genie? Last time we saw him he bravely tricked that scum xue gongzi into getting his ass beat despite cruelly being constrained to the lamp's whims! you're always so harsh... [click here to read more]

  > 12 days ago Mingyan jiejie's toes: Who's your toes-bro? Dirty fujo picking fights LOLOLOL

  > 12 days ago GeniesClappingCheeks: How are you so fucking morally upright, MINGYAN-BRO? All you do everyday is XXX to Liu Mingyan content! Let us XXX to a genie getting pounded LMAO

 > 1 hr ago Peerless Cucumber 🥒: DO PEOPLE SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT JUST BECAUSE IT'S THE INTERNET NOW?

14 days ago FRESHAVOCADO

Senior genie is frustrating, he never listens. It’s like he and his wishes are Airplane-dada’s self insert to move the plot along! What wish do you think Bingge would…[click more]

 > 14 days ago Venerable One’s Great Sword: Upthread, we’ve alr had this convo

> 14 days ago Bountiful Peach Blossoms: I told u, his mom

> 14 days ago Ning Yingying’s hair ribbons 🎀: Agree, Peach Blossom-jiejie!!

 > 14 days ago Proxy07: in my head if bingge actually had the opportunity to meet his mom again he'd actually be pretty hesitant to do so 

 > 14 days ago Proxy07: becuz he'd know that becoming a great and epic demon lord probably wasnt what she wanted for him

 > 14 days ago Proxy07: i think he'd totally revive her if he cld and pay her back for being like, the only person he ever truly loved but to sit down and have a conversation with her???

> 14 days ago Proxy07: and acknowledge that his life did not align with her vision for him at all???? scary:))))

 > 14 days ago Mingyan jiejie’s toes: dude arent u the guy that keeps trying to doxx airplane

 > 14 days ago Proxy07: i just want to send him a gift

 > 14 days ago Proxy07: airplane-dada if ur seeing this whats ur number :33

14 days ago [MOD] king: [Proxy07 BANNED]

> 14 days ago Ning Yingying’s Ribbons 🎀: THATS HARSH

   > 2 days ago Peerless cucumber 🥒: It's not an overreaction. She's doxxed him before

Chapter Text

Shen Yuan blinked his eyes open to the hospital ceiling. Such a sight had become a common—and even welcome, this time—occurrance. He tried to crane his neck, but ultimately decided to lie down and take it slow when he realised how sore it was. 

Sue him, he deserved a break.

Someone was shuffling about in his hospital room. The light against his eyelids blotted into a smooth black when their shadow fell over him, making Shen Yuan crack a careful eye open. If it was his mother or one of his brothers, he would greet them immediately and enquire how long he had been unconscious. And if it was any other member of the family (father, meimei), he would pretend to doze away.

It was none of them. Towering over his prone form was one Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky.

“YOU!!!!!!!!!!” Shen Yuan sprang out of the bed, sore neck be damned. “AIRPLANE!!!!”

“EEEEK!” said Grand Master Airplane, before almost tripping over his own feet. He backed away considerably, knocking over a stool behind him.

“THE WIVES ARE GAY!!! YOUR PROTAGONIST IS GAY!!” Shen Yuan yelled, shaking with anger. “What kind of stallion novel have you trapped me in, you utter hack????!!!!!!”

“Cucumber-bro!” Airplane wailed. He kowtowed profusely. “It’s all my fault!!”

He then smoothly got up and dust his sweater off.

“I promise I’ll genderbend senior genie and make Bing-ge end up with her before you transmigrate back—”

“What?”

“—and then I’ll give them both an epic romance with a tree. Isn’t this what you wanted in that fic of yours?”

Shen Yuan fluffed down, abruptly realizing where this was going. An old conversation tickled his brain.

“Airplane-bro.” he said, unamused. Airplane was making fun of him. Time and place!

“So that’s not what you want me to say?” Airplane asked, putting his hand on his hip. He smiled wildly. “Bro, you almost died falling into a knee-deep puddle! Even the doctors didn’t know what to say! One minute we’re walking down the street, and the next you’re in the water after keeling over face-first! And did I trap you in my novel? It’s the system, the system! System-dada, if you’re hearing us, can you give us a hi?”

“You—”

“Let me finish!” Airplane continued, waving his hand around. “Every writer gets these visions about things they want to write about, bro—and that’s how I write PIDW too! Sometimes I creatively edit out a few things to keep the audience entertained, but who doesn’t? You going back to this story isn’t just a loss for you— it’s a loss for me! A loss of revenue! I’ll have to end the story now, because the Bing-ge in my brain won’t cooperate with me anymore!”

Shen Yuan stared. “So you’re… you’re saying you didn’t make the wives gay?”

“Cucumber-bro,” Airplane said full of pity, “They didn’t turn gay because you wished for it. They were probably like that in the story already.”

Shen Yuan ignored this. He barrelled on. “And PIDW is going to end? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know it would,” Airplane said, flapping a hand around. He mumbled under his breath, almost to himself. “Had a plot to the Heavenly realm planned, and a flower specimen. And there was that wife—the one from the Mobei clan who would betray Bingge and bring forth ruin to their nation until Bingge wooed her back, but I guess she’s booked it with the Stone clan demon. But I can’t write Bingge anymore—it’s like he’s escaped my head!”

“My own son! I wrote him from—PIDW has to end or he’ll get out of hand—unless my son has an ‘epic romance’ with genderbent senior genie but—”

“Stop muttering!” Shen Yuan snapped. “There won’t be any such romances.”

“I didn’t think so,” sighed Airplane. “Who in their right minds is going to date my power-hungry machiavellian egomaniac son?

“Hey!” said Shen Yuan, affronted. “He had almost a hundred women! You wrote that in yourself! And stop calling him your son!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Airplane said, but he was looking at Shen Yuan oddly now.

“And anyway,” Shen Yuan said. “PIDW isn’t going to end. Your bills are safe.”

Airplane blinked.

“I,” Shen Yuan continued primly. “Am going to wish for his wives to get….de-gayified.”

“De-gayified,” Airplane echoed blankly.

“Yes,” Shen Yuan confirmed. This was but a lapse in judgment on the protagonist’s part. Deprived of his usual entourage of women, Luo Binghe, a natural hot-blooded stallion, had latched on to the closest living creature within his arm’s reach and ki—sucked their soul out through their mouth.

“Cucumber-bro, you’re going in there again?!” Airplane cried, gaping. “After my protagonist almost deflowered you?!”

“What the fuck are you saying?! There was no deflowering going on!” Shen Yuan screeched. He threw a pen and a notepad in his reach at the imbecile going by Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky. “And of course I have to go in— if I wished for the wives to get along and they turned gay, I just have to do the opposite! Then you can pay your bills, and Luo Binghe can go back to—to having fun with women!”

“What do you mean, of course?” Airplane despaired. “You don’t ‘of course’ have to do anything. Just keep yourself from dying like a clown—that’s all you have to do! Do you even hear yourself? Bing-ge’s mad at you! Luo Binghe! Didn’t you read the three hundred chapters before this one? Where’s that Peerless Cucumber?”

That—Well. Shen Yuan knew what Luo Binghe was like! He was cunning and two-faced and he lied as easily as he breathed. 

He was smart, knew how to survive and adapt. 

Shen Yuan thought of the cavern-like mouth of the Night Blooming Citrus, and the dark shadows marring Luo Binghe’s otherwise youthful face, and his fierce rage, and he didn’t want to go back! He was just a normal person—no way he wanted to go back to that! 

But he’d also seen the Binghe kneeling dejectedly by Ning Yingying’s bedside, and the one who wiped her spittle off carefully with the washcloth. And he’d seen the Luo Binghe in the abyss, wandering aimlessly after a nasty fight. Taking away any of that boy’s happiness—Shen Yuan was sure to have terrible karma for years and years to come.

“...I can’t force you,” Airplane said finally, putting his hands up.

“Where are you going?”

“Your family will be here again soon, and I’m not waiting around to watch you die again.” said Airplane, stuffing the notepad and pen into his broth-stained sweatshirt. He righted the stool he had been keeping watch on before leaving.

“About that…” Shen Yuan began sheepishly. “If you have a spare room…”

The fan whirred, and Airplane shut it down mercilessly. 

“Sorry,” he said. “Wrong switch.”

“Yeah, sure,” Shen Yuan nodded absently. He was so preoccupied with looking around the room he hadn’t noticed it anyway. “Every winter I wonder if I should get a fan and then I forget. Sometimes the electricity shuts down and the apartment’s inverters are a bust. Summers are terrible.”

“Guess you don’t need to do that anymore,” said Airplane offhandedly, “Since your parents took your apartment away.”

Shen Yuan blinked. That was too pointed to be just conversation. It was true, his parents (at the behest of meimei, that traitor!!) had taken his apartment away. Their excuse was that family time might benefit him, and Shen Yuan, too embarrassed to beg for an apartment that wasn’t even under his name, had said nothing. This was why he had followed Airplane to his house after getting discharged for one last jaunt to PIDW.

Shen Yuan didn’t fear death, but he feared what lengths his father and sister would go to to lock him up in the house if he had one more near death experience. Thus, the only solution was to hide it altogether.

“You look like you’ve got something to tell me,” said Shen Yuan, calmly, sucking on super-glue. It didn’t taste like it looked. There were a bunch of chemicals, of course, but with that consistency and thickness Shen Yuan was envisioning something else.

The author known as Airplane Shooting Towards the sky only dragged a harried hand across his face. 

“You think? I was going to tell you to stop eating so quickly, but what does it even matter here,” Airplane said, grinning weakly, “You’re going to die anyway!”

“It’s not dying,” Shen Yuan said, scrunching up his nose. How exaggerated! “No one’s dying here. This is practically non-lethal. The system just takes any chance to off me. I’m only speeding it up after the expired ramen. I don’t even need a hospital!"

“That calms my heart and I now trust you wholly,” Airplane said.

“Thank you. I’ll be back soon.” Shen Yuan said, and that was that.

They were under a scratchy kotatsu Airplane inherited from his neighbors who had decided to go back to Japan soon. He declared this his Writing Area with little flourish. Even if the outside was banged up and littered with a thousand tiny cuts, the heating was adequate, and when Airplane had said he was going to write for stress relief, Shen Yuan had primly taken his perch on the opposite side.

At one point he had asked Airplane what the eerily lined up cuts were about, but he waved it away citing his old neighbors’ oddities. Shen Yuan wasn’t a man of superstitions, but he didn’t ask for more details. A table spirit haunting him was the last thing he wanted.

“So Cucumber-bro,” said Airplane. “We haven’t known each other for long.”

“Are you trying to give me a pre-death eulogy?” Shen Yuan squinted.

“No!” Airplane cried. “What the fuck?! You just said you wouldn’t die!”

“I mean–I won’t,” Shen Yuan immediately defended. “You just looked nervous! It’s like you’re the one about to die.”

“You’re not dying in my living room!” Airplane screeched. “How do I even explain why I let a grown ass man eat super glue?”

“Do you hear yourself?! What grown ass man’s died from eating super glue?! Has shooting your airplane to the sky all the time burnt your braincells down to the ground?”

“Then stop—You know what?” Airplane said. “I’m not going to say anything anymore. You have it your way.”

“Airplane-bro, it’s really unlikely I’ll die and get you jailed for the rest of your miserable life,” Shen Yuan said, taking pity on him. However dramatic Airplane was being, you couldn’t blame him entirely. If Shen Yuan didn’t know the System’s nefarious rules he wouldn’t be so sure either. As it was, there was little chance that shitty AI would back out at the last second and suddenly cancel his temporary transmigration subscription. “I don’t want to die either.”

“Okay,” Airplane sniffed. “If you say so.”

The bulky laptop between them pinged. Shen Yuan wondered how Airplane ever got things done; that thing had been booting for the last 30 minutes. He looked down in interest.

“You said PIDW stopped writing itself. What are you writing now then?” Shen Yuan prodded. He almost gagged from the next sip of glue he took, but small sacrifices. It was a better way to semi-die than falling off a building and breaking all your bones or dying by a phone to the face.

“Eh, this and that,” Airplane said. “I had an old story I chucked out about an Ice Demon and his childhood friend. I’m repurposing some of that.”

“Okay,” said Shen Yuan and leaned back.

“Okay, what? Was that a do something okay? Did I catch that right? What do you want here?”

“Tell me about the Ice Demon and his childhood friend.”

“Oh, well,” said Airplane, looking a little abashed. “They’re my OCs from highschool. They were supposed to be tragic lovers first, but I really wanted to keep the childhood friend a man; if I genderbent the Ice Demon though, it would be a repetitive shrine maiden trope. And when I tried to make the childhood friend a woman, I was worried about her coming across like a tsundere.”

You cared about things like intelligent audience reception? Shen Yuan roasted him inwardly.

“Hey, don’t make that face. I can tell what you’re thinking. I too, was a young man with literary aspirations, you know.” Airplane scolded, wagging his index finger around. “And then I had to pay my bills.”

Shen Yuan looked at the cardboard boxes and DIY hanging racks Airplane had shoved into a corner instead of getting a proper dresser, and said nothing.

“Tell me more about the Ice Demon and his childhood friend,” said Shen Yuan.

“I don’t know… I don’t see you dropping cash anywhere.”

“Are you not going to give into the wishes of a dying man?!” Shen Yuan scowled.

“So now you’re a dying man!” Airplane complained. Shen Yuan glared harder. Airplane threw his hands up, “Okay, okay, I’ll tell you about my OCs. It’s going to be a long-drawn-out story, so don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.”

So he did.

It was a simple enough story; Once Upon a time, there lived two boys. In a cliche twist of fate, the older one awakened his demonic powers when a group of slavers chased them down. He was the descendent of a powerful clan of Ice Demons on his father’s side. The younger boy didn't care, but they still decided to leave the town to escape the people that knew. 

Unfortunately, tales of the Ice Demon Clan’s heritage had spread far and wide, and they had developed such an overblown quality that it brought cultivators across all great sects to hunt two little boys down. In a crucial moment, the older boy cries for help, and sells the younger one out. The cultivators accept that the younger, more vicious one, is the demon with ease, and seal him under a mountain. 

However!! There is a plot twist! In reality, the older one, the one who was supposed to take care of the younger boy, the one who had never raised a hand against someone if he could help if it wasn’t for his friend— planned to pretend that the younger had been kidnapped, and that he was the horrible half-breed so that they would spare at least one of them. However, he had underestimated a cultivator’s vision and hadn’t seen the blow to his head coming.

When the older boy awakens, he hears about the younger boy’s fate. He’s not strong enough to get past the arrays holding the younger one in, so he makes a promise to himself that he would come back when he’s stronger.

After the Ice Demon and the younger boy who was clever enough to get himself out of the mountain meet again, they go on a quest together! The former gets hurt in his stead, the younger one declares all debts cleared. The Ice Demon decides they should part, since its unlikely the childhood friend would want to see him again.

“Finally,” Airplane said with a flourish, “They share a bromantic stand-off and go their separate ways into the sunset.”

Shen Yuan waited.

…

“That’s it?” Shen Yuan said, baffled. The childhood friend waited all that time for him, and that’s it? He left the childhood friend first and dared to dress it up in 'for his sake'?!

“That’s it,” Airplane confirmed. 

“The Ice-demon’s such an idiot,” spat Shen Yuan. “He should’ve just ran when he revealed himself and spared himself the trouble if it was going to be like this. If this coward was always going to run and make choices for the childhood friend, then why did he stick around enough for it to hurt? Why did he keep coming back?!”

“Ah well, Cucumber-bro,” Airplane said, flapping a hand around, “Isn’t the childhood friend foolish too? Why would you go after a man who keeps hurting you, especially if you’re going to hold it over him forever?”

“Are you telling… me the childhood friend… shouldn’t have held it over him?!” Shen Yuan glared scathingly.

“No, no—it’s only, when you look at it like that isn’t it a good thing? The Ice Demon—always responsible for his younger friend—wasted his years trying to find something to break out—who was free already. Some partings are good—they can start anew. Younger one— setting himself up for disappo—Cucumber–!?! Cucu–Bro??!”

“No!” Shen Yuan denied, although he wasn’t sure what he was denying.

“Then why— face—like that?”

“I’m just,” Shen Yuan slurred. His rage at the stupid Ice demon had manifested into the world, and now it was shaking him around. What a pain! Now Shen Yuan needed to lie down. “Mad about…”

“Hey! Cu…mber-bro, Cucu….bro! Br—”

The last thing Shen Yuan computed was the incessant whirring of Airplane’s shitty laptop fan, and a spared thought for the childhood friend’s pressed under the weight of the mountain.

Chapter Text

14 hrs ago Mingyan jiejie’s toes

We’re still talking ab wishes? Stop riding senior genie’s dick!! His Airplane isn’t about to shoot you!

14 hrs ago HEAVENLY DEMON SHRIMP

I'd want a bigger dick, more women!!

 > 13 hrs ago Batmanyurion: We still havent gotten qin-meimei’s arc… Airplane dada how will the hardworking PIDW fanartists capture her boobs if u don't give a proper descp of her undressing to cure the poison π-π

14 hrs ago HEAVENLY DEMON SHRIMP

If i was bing-ge, then i think i’d want the jade pendant back too

  > 1 hr ago arrowshootingtowardsthesky: you should take a lottery u might win it

   > 1 hr ago Proxy 07:  AREN'T YOU AIRPLANE SHOOTING TOWARDS THE SKY IM A BIG FAN DID YOU GET THE BOUQUET I…[Click here to read more]

> 14 hrs ago Weightlesslyfloating 

LMAO did u skip to the last chapter from wayyy back? Who even remembers the jade pendant

  > 1 hr ago Peerless cucumber: WTF. It’s an important part….[Click here read more]

Shen Yuan gained awareness to complete darkness. 

There was no red seeping under his closed eyelids. He had gotten the kind of sleep that should have left him with crusty eyes and tired limbs, but when he blinked ‘awake’, he sprang right up to sitting position. There was nothing for miles and miles, and an unnatural calm had fallen on the outside world—if there was one.

System? Shen Yuan tried.

No dice.

Suddenly, what felt like a fist grabbed Shen Yuan’s feet, and yanked. 

He was unceremoniously dropped ass down into a swirling vortex—these fucking swirls! If Shen Yuan got out of here alive he’d burn down anything with this sick and twisted pattern—and emerged into the world like an upside down baby, eyes straining against the new brightness.

For a while, all Shen Yuan could do was blink against the dark spots. He could then make out vague shapes next, focusing and refocusing on the dark hues of the rounded trees, and a violent luminescence from a lantern.

Motherfucker, it was only night-time! And his cones and rods were already working overtime. It was only a small mercy Lord Luo didn’t summon him when the sun was out.

Shen Yuan’s stomach lurched, the swirling only half the reason. Saying he was going to fix things was one thing, facing Luo Binghe after that disaster was another. Luo Binghe surely had questions he didn’t have concrete answers to—but as long as he got to wish the wives the normal, shouldn’t he escape soon?

“Hey, hey, aren’t you all powerful?” said a slimy voice. The absence of spots in his vision revealed a stocky man he towered over. 

He looked like a cultivator, but only barely. His qiankun pouch was held together by weaving knock-off talismans for sturdiness, and Shen Yuan was willing to bet that his sword, haphazardly tucked into that sheath, rarely saw the light of day.

“Look at you, you’re just a young master stuck in a lamp, hahaha,” said Boring Sword. He had a gap in his teeth that would have looked approachable on the right man. Boring Sword stuck his tongue into it every few words, and used it to creep Shen Yuan out. 

“Who are you?” Shen Yuan cut right to the chase.

“Cheng Minli at your service, boss,” the man said. Shen Yuan leaned away from the hand he thrust in from him, dodging a handshake. “Or that’s what they call me anyway. You don’t need my real name to grant me a wish, do you?”

“How do you know about me?” Shen Yuan asked again. 

“Who doesn’t know about what Lord Luo’s up to these days? That demonic upstart is all you hear about, conquering things like his father owns the roads and the rivers. Ptoo! Ptoo! If you ask me—”

The lantern abruptly went out. That was enough answer!! No one asked you!!

From the shapes, Shen Yuan could make out Cheng Minli scratching his head in confusion. Night had fallen thoroughly, and with the only source of light out of commission, they were bathed in nothing but darkness.

Shen Yuan’s stalling at the villain monologue mines had paid off! 

A part of the night flashed in front of Cheng Minli, and cleanly struck him through the ribs. Shen Yuan whooped in joy. 

PIDW’s protagonist was particular about his debts; he would pay them back a hundred-fold. Shen Yuan had spawned and returned back to his world early every single time to avoid making up things about why Luo Binghe shouldn’t free him if it came to that, and thus had never allowed himself to indulge in the protagonist’s badassery.

Despite it not being the time, Shen Yuan felt like someone who had scored front row seats to the newest hit by pouring oil into his eyes and waiting for the online auction to start. If this was that kind of screening he’d be giving it a standing ovation.

Luo Binghe’s sword was the only arc of light in the pitch black darkness. It came away stained and quietly dripping blood. Cheng Minli crumpled on himself like wet tissue paper, and perhaps this was when Shen Yuan should have held his breath, and paid more attention to his heart rate kicking into an overdrive on animal instinct.

[WARNING! WARNING! CUSTOMER NOT FOUND! WARNING! WARNING!]

Shen Yuan groaned, clasping his ears shut. The System’s warnings ricocheted in his skull, until he was once again unceremoniously dropped into the void’s gaping maw.

This time when the air conspired to twist Shen Yuan’s ankle and spit him out into the world, Shen Yuan was ready. This was why he spawned more or less upright here in another clearing in the middle of absolutely nowhere. There was still no Luo Binghe. The man who had summoned him this time around was a mess; his stringy hair was haphazardly thrown into a top knot, and he didn't even pause in biting his nails down to stumps when Shen Yuan popped out of the lamp.

“Senior Genie!” the man said, wild around the eyes. “This one is Wu Sheng! Who you might have met before is—was— my idiot companion! Forget everything he asked you, and please help me instead!"

Shen Yuan leveled him with an unimpressed stare. This wasnt a very favourable sales pitch. Or a great first impression.

“Please,” Wu Sheng pleaded. He was getting increasingly desperate, scratching his head frantically. “Isnt… Senior Genie tired too? The Emperor keeps using someone as powerful as you for his own benefit, summoning Senior again and again and hoarding you jealously. If you can just get this lowly one of away from here—this one swears he will go to the ends of the earth to find your lamp again and free you from that tyrant, Senior! Please!”

This was when Shen Yuan realised that Wu Sheng was quite a big man. He should have been a head taller than even Luo Binghe, who was of a considerable height himself. But the way the mercenary had been curling into himself had made him look pitiful and small.

“Senior Shen, please! The Emperor! He has no mercy! My companion was…” Wu Sheng closed his eyes, like he couldn't bear to recall it. He whispered, “I could only find strips of him, Senior.”

Shen Yuan winced.

He thought about it. 

Of course, his plans hinged on finding Luo Binghe and wishing for his wives back where he could see it, but… Here were the facts: 

1) There was no way someone like Wu Sheng could keep the protagonist away for an extended amount of time. 

2) Cheng Minli and his lackey Wu Sheng had made a mistake picking a fight with Luo Binghe by stealing what was his and had paid dearly for it, so it was more likely that Wu Sheng was just fibbing about finding Shen Yuan again. 

3) The lamp was malfunctioning and Shen Yuan didn't want to go back into the void. 

Putting all this together, wasn't it a reasonable idea to fulfil Wu Sheng’s wish and regroup…? It wasn’t—

The trees emitted a shrill wail. The darkness shook, and opened itself to reveal a quivering purple underbelly. From there emerged Luo Binghe, sword-first. Earlier, Shen Yuan hadn't spotted the talismans snaking up the blade’s hilt, all the way through its spine to the tip. What was once a beautiful cut of steel now looked like a cheap horror movie prop for a low-budget play.

However, that didn't stop it from slicing through Wu Sheng’s center like he was nothing but a watermelon of unusual size. Shen Yuan half expected Wu Sheng to pop from the pressure, but he had merely been bisected into two clean pieces. Luo Binghe didn't bother wiping the blood down. He skewered… the pieces… that had been Wu Sheng, presumably to get rid of the remains, and then he shot Shen Yuan a searing look he—

Shen Yuan didn't know what happened next, because he had screwed his eyes tightly shut. He experienced a brief sense of vertigo, before he face-planted on a cave floor that was not a cave floor. 

This time, Shen Yuan could only shudder in relief.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

 Shen Yuan was not in a cave.

It didn't make a difference in the pitch-black darkness whether he had his eyes open or closed; whether he blinked or not. Without his notice, his eyes had run arid by virtue of keeping them wide open.

Shen Yuan felt like he should have been in a cave. He had been dropkicked back into the dimension head-first, and he lay there with his cheek pressed to the cold, gravelly floors with only his own slow pants for company. It was probably all in his head— he could hear the plip plip plip of a faucet, or perhaps water dripping of a stalagmite, but he knew it was all in his head, because there was no other feeling in this dimension. No smells, no sensation except the artificial cave floors. Only a placid blankness, much like the black in Luo Binghe’s eyes.

The bright red glow between the protagonist’s eyebrows pulsed in his memory. Unlike the time with Xue Jingyuan, or Cheng Minli, Shen Yuan had seen a close-up of him drawing his sword on Wu Sheng. The rumble of the earth and the startle of the birds had said something powerful was approaching, but Shen Yuan himself had never experienced the predator—outside his own vague delusions of Luo Binghe’s cruelty and what pissing him off would bring him.

Now Shen Yuan realised he had been overcompensating for his dried up eyes by screwing them shut.

This time, when he opened them he could make out his own hands, clutching the ground tightly. Despite the gravel scratching his cheek, there was nothing to hold on to. This was just a void. A deep, all-consuming void inside a lamp that went on for heaven-knows-how-long.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

It was time to face the facts.

Do you remember, the first time we met, when I was wretched in the Endless Abyss—

A slow shiver crawled up Shen Yuan’s back. He had already been shaking, but looking at it eye- to-eye made his stomach swoop, threatening to poke at the dormant nausea.

You said you were trapped in the world of this lamp here.

I wanted to free you.

Luo Binghe was planning to trap him here. Chances were that he had already slapped on the talisman he needed to on Shen Yuan’s lamp. The scales of a Night Blooming Citrus were valuable; most commonly for the kind of qiankun pouches they were involved in refining.

This was only possible, of course, because of their strong storage presence, and ability to lock objects into pocket dimensions. In a sick twist of fate, the lamp had ended up right in the jaws of the beast that could assist Luo Binghe in his expedition. Fuck, fuck, fuck! If Luo Binghe was planning something, it naturally meant it was carried out!!

Only that could explain his glee bordering manic as he caught Shen Yuan’s eyes at that final moment. Shen Yuan had been able to forget what he was getting into when he experienced a sick action scene for himself, but the squelch Xin Mo made when it had been withdrawn from Cheng Minli’s lifeless body…

From how Wu Sheng had been narrating it, not much of his mercenary friend’s body remained that wasn't in ribbons. Wu Sheng should also have faced the same fate, tossed into the river nearby after getting chopped to pieces. 

It was only Shen Yuan left now.

He felt stupid. What guarantee did he have that the system wouldn't let him die? How could he have said it so casually to Airplane-bro? It made perfect sense the stupid AI wouldn't work here; he was probably PIDW newest villain, the pervert Senior Genie who turned the protagonist’s women into eloping with each other! If PIDW had a male character that wasn't Luo Binghe’s vassal, of course this was the treatment they would get.

Buried under all this self flagellation and seething at the system, Shen Yuan was hurt. He had been at this for some months now, and the worst part was that he had assumed he was one of NPC sidekicks who stood by Luo Binghe’s side. Maybe he wasn't Mobei-Jun, who acted swiftly and only so conveniently enough to conjure up portals at once, but he had assumed…

No matter. Shen Yuan refused to feel poorly for this, especially sincehe was the one being hunted like a deer here.

He shook and shook and shook, because he had meant what he said to Airplane bro— Shen Yuan didn't want to die. For a hysterical moment all he could think about how at least PIDW wouldnt end like this. It wouldn't end with him. His removal would give closure to another crappy villain arc , and Luo Binghe’s life would go on.

The scraping was quiet. Shen Yuan wouldn't have caught it in a doctor’s office let alone a busting street. It creaked and creaked, like someone was putting weight on a leg they shouldn't have, and that they were scraping and parting gravel with their cane. Here, in the void, it scratched against Shen Yuan’s eardrums, and opened a fresh pit of dread in his stomach.

It could only be—

“Found you, Senior Shen,’ said Luo Binghe. He was shrouded in shadows, only a pearly canine visible in the red light of his zuiyin glittering away.

Vision was odd in this place. There was no light to reflect off anything, and yet, when Shen Yuan righted himself, he could trace the shadows of Luo Binghe’s outline. He was still making the awful scraping noise, dragging Xin Mo behind him.

Luo Binghe, Shen Yuan wanted to croak out. His heart hammered from his throat, What are you doing here?!

But his throat had closed up completely. Hanging off Luo Binghe’s glowing face was strips of flesh, like he was dragging around the wins of an intense lingchi session. Shen Yuan thought if the shredded muscle was anything else, it would have jingled as it hung off it's precarious position, suspended off Luo Binghe’s eyesocket—already knitting up, leaving the hanger-ons look like random growths that had happened to appear one fine morning, instead of a grosteque ribbon of peeled skin.

Luo Binghe ripped them away, leaving bleeding slits that showed bone, and they too blended into skin a mere second later.

Who the fuck put you through a grater????!!!! Shen Yuan screeched inwardly. Wu Sheng couldn't have done all that!!!!!!!!!!

The only explanation was that opening a portal to such a sucky dimension had done that—there were universe glitches sometimes, when the energy of their world and any dimensions didn't match up. Wife #67—Wang Airan’s— fingertips had turned blue in a worrying bout of lost circulation when Luo Binghe rescued her from the a nefarious realm.

Of course, Wang Airan had been spread over a divan and speared on something blunter than ehem, ehem, a sword to cure her of this ailment. She had Luo Binghe to cure her of the glitches, but who would push Luo Binghe down and have their way with him?

On one level Shen Yuan had known the protagonist would get here. He was— he was fucking Luo Binghe! If he set his mind to it, he was going to get his hands on it no matter what. But so soon!

“Was this unsightly one not allowed where you have been spending all your time, Senior Shen?” said Luo Binghe obsequiously, like Shen Yuan was a girlfriend that refused to show you her room, and not a creature that had to be dragged back to its lair by PIDW standards. The fucking nerve.

“It isn't because—” Shen Yuan began. On principle. He wasn't stoked about this infiltration, but calling Luo Binghe lowly was illogical. That had nothing to do with it! Shen Yuan was more worried about getting skewered with the very sharp object in the room.

”I'm not—” Shen Yuan tried again, but the words had become stuck in his throat, and were now strangling him. He massaged his chest and tried to clear his mind and whatever the fuck meditation should feel like, because the roiling qi under his skin was going haywire along with his thundering heartbeat.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!! SYSTEM!!

If this was a shitty B-tier webcomic, Luo Binghe and he would have been locked in the infamous qi dick measuring contest panel to the average reader. The discerning eye, however, would pick out of how the darker crimson qi was permeating the air and insidiously, strangling the translucent verdant one.

Luo Binghe's qi coiled around his calves and choked the air out of his lungs. This was the protagonist looking to kill!

SYSTEM, Shen Yuan roared again. WHY THE FUCK CANT I WISH FOR ANYTHING? 

The truth was, Shen Yuan, who wasn't an idiot, had already tried to wish for the wives to get ungayified the moment he had seen a bulky man get skewered like shish kebab. Then he had waited and waited in the fucking void for the swirls to take him home. 

But it had never come.

“Luo Binghe— let’s talk about this civilly,” Shen Yuan bit out, and this time he got a whole sentence out! “I think we had a misunderstanding. I didn't mean to do…. that about your wives.”

Luo Binghe broke into unrestrained laughter. Shen Yuan wasn't in a cave, but the guffaws echoed through the darkness. “You want to talk now?”

He didn't, he didn't, Shen Yuan didn't—

And that was the kicker wasn't it, Shen Yuan thought miserably. He never had the time to talk. Nor did he try to make any.

That’s it?! Shen Yuan had balked at Airplane. The childhood friend waited all that time for him, and that’s it? He left the childhood friend first and dared to dress it up in “for his sake”s?

This… this was his modus operandi. He had cured Luo Binghe of his affliction for his sake, he had tried to get Luo Binghe’s wives to get along with each other for his sake, and he had sent enemies who raised Luo Binghe’s blood pressure away for his sake. The fact that doing so quickly, and without waiting for Luo Binghe’s output would curb any chances of him wishing Shen Yuan out of the lamp was only secondary. 

Or so he told himself.

[THE SYSTEM welcomes User v002. Our weekly update has commenced. The—]

Get me the fuck out of here!!

[It is pertinent to to wish on behalf of the Customer, in a way that will not alter Narrative Integrity ^^]

Narrative integrity your mother!! Shen Yuan cried. Since when did PIDW ever have narrative integrity??!!

“Senior Shen,” Luo Binghe drew his name out, like he wasn't quite sure if he should be mocking him, or trying to reason with him in earnest. The protagonist of Proud Immortal demon Way didn't do earnest. Shen Yuan wasn't sure what Luo Binghe was going to do. “I tried to repay you through things you’d like— but you weren't interested in my riches or the scrolls, or Huanhua’s magnificent libraries. Next, I thought I would hunt your lamp down to the ends of the earth, and free you no matter what personal cost. You would not let me do that either! You even sabotaged me!”

With a bludgeoning sort of horror, a slower and blunter one compared to the sharp way a threat to his life might make his heart jackrabbit, Shen Yuan came to the realisation that he had vastly underestimated his narrative role. This could have been forgiveable, if he hadn't gone and done exactly what he'd clowned no name NPCs on. Not only did he underestimate his tangible effect on Luo Binghe’s—and thus the plot’s—actions, he had also underestimated the protagonist’s intellect. Of course Luo Binghe knew Shen Yuan was trying to throw him off! He had known all along!

“Finally, Senior Shen,” Luo Binghe continued, breathing raggedly. Shen Yuan didn't see why should be panting, his peeling skin had all healed nicely. But Shen Yuan was finding that a lot of things about the protagonist hadn't been about his physical health, so he sealed his lips shut and listened. “I tried to find out if what you wanted to be was wooed. After all, it isn't the first time someone has partaken in a more elaborate kind of seduction. But that wasn't it either.”

Wooed????!!!! Shen Yuan couldn't help but clutch his hand to his chest like a flabbergasted maiden. Why was Luo Binghe saying it like— like—

‘This isn't my first rodeo. I know what you ladies who keep coming back want’????!

To Shen Yuan????

Man, woman, it didn't matter? Bing-ge, you'd really accept all comers? 

Even as he thought this, a rational part of Shen Yuan was assembling the pieces to a genderbent senior genie. Popping up out of nowhere to help Luo Binghe like a Madam Meiyin rip-off, chasing off all his wives, and then sticking to him in strategically placed rags held together only by porn logic…

A rational mind had every right to think Shen Yuan would be the next young female general character from a few chapters ago, who had been revealed to be a daring wife with a startlingly flat chest.  

Throughout this, Luo Binghe was still talking passionately. Shen Yuan really had to stop spacing out in panic like this—it was what got him into half of this trouble in the first place!

“Luo Binghe,” Shen Yuan cut in warily. Luo Binghe was detailing the elaborate plots from his various wives. According to Luo Binghe, only Ning Yingying and a few others had had the decency to spit out what was going on straight to his face, and Shen Yuan could possibly not keep listening to Guo Gengsheng’s skirt getting caught in a magical underbush, spurring her on to dual cultivate that very instant with her… fellow wife in the middle of eloping. That was how Luo Binghe had found them: entangled and sweaty in the middle of the very compound they wanted to escape. 

“I never wanted to do… that,” Shen Yuan said, unable to even say the words. He wasn't jealously hoarding the protagonist from his wives! “This was all a misunderstanding. If you let me, I can wish for your wives back. And then this can all be something to laugh over a cup of liquor in the future.” There was no point in sucking up to him with Lord Luos now. This genie was going all in. 

“But Senior Shen,” said Luo Binghe, and in this moment, despite their entirely different features, Luo Binghe looked a lot like Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky. “They were always like that.”

Shen Yuan didn't examine whether Luo Binghe was saying this incredulously, or with pity, or both. Whatever it was, it only fuelled his testiness, and Shen Yuan snapped to the protagonist with the sword, “How do you know that? And if it was so, why did they start elop—leaving—after my wish?”

“Because your wish gave them opportunities. Reasons why they didn't need to stay anymore. More stability than I could have ever hoped to have provided them with as their Lord Husband,” Luo Binghe sneered. “It has broken any ties that bind us, and it will only be a poor show of bull-headedness if I pursue them—provided that I want to pursue them in the first place.”

What.

“What?” said Shen Yuan, stopping in his tracks. 

?????!!!

What was this??!! Why was he playing hot and cold, like a surly girlfriend?? Here Luo Binghe was, in the middle of a void with a single slit of light glinting off the sword that lit up only him (perks of being a MC), and he was acting like he didn't care if his wives left??? After getting mad about it and chasing Shen Yuan around?? Talk about mood swings!

“So, you're not angry….?” Shen Yuan ventured, hopeful.

“Oh, I am, Senior Shen. I always am,” said Luo Binghe. “Now more than ever.”

Shen Yuan shut up. 

“I went on a trip recently, Senior Shen,” Luo Binghe began. Shen Yuan resisted the urge to point out, But you're always going on trips. “And in that world, there was a sniveling, inferior version of me. We didn't really get along. I've heard scholars say like repels like, and this could be what happened, but I hated everything about him.”

Everyone's their own harshest critics, Shen Yuan nodded wisely.

“He didn't have a single woman! Not one. The Yingying of that world told him off for not calling her Shijie. He spared the life of the man who called himself our shizun, and trotted around like a dog on his leash.”

Shen Yuan cocked his ear at this Luo Binghe who would have sucked at being Zhongdian’s best/worst protagonist. How many people could say they were getting canonical snippets of an evil twin from character himself?

“He was so ready to roll over for that precious shizun of his that the scum picked up on it. What was it about him? I had first expected that shizun of his to be an expert tempter, seducing his powerful disciple into what he wanted. But it was just a man! A man who stroked his uninjured hand, and cooed at him for nothing! A terrible Shizun that decided to change trajectories and love him, despite sending him into hell!”

A foreboding feeling stirred in Shen Yuan.

“And his Xin Mo– it was useless, buried under layers, and layers of talismans. What was it about him?”

Abruptly, Shen Yuan came to the realisation that the him Luo Binghe had been referring to, the him Luo Binghe kept disparaging, was not this miracle Shizun that the mirror world version of him had chosen to canoodle with; it was him. Luo Binghe himself.

The Xin Mo in Luo Binghe's grip glinted. It was obvious even to Shen Yuan's untrained eye that the paper on it was yellowing, and needed a refresh before it crumbled. 

Shen Yuan’s chest started to ache.

“…It's unfair.” Luo Binghe said. Shen Yuan didn't know whether it was aimed at the ground or himself. “Why does he get a nice shizun? What did he do better?”

Shen Yuan didn't know how to tell the protagonist that it was more likely his jaunt to the alternate dimension had been an illusion, and a hint to his latent…. acceptance rate for anybody who ‘seduced’ him regardless of gender, rather than anything real. Love him? Shen Qingqiu? It was impossible. This scum villain, who cursed Luo Binghe until his dying breath would never stroke anyone’s hair— let alone Luo Binghe’s. If Shen Yuan stretched it, he could see Shen Qingqiu preying on a pretty young Luo Binghe if he passed enough for a girl as a child (not too far fetched with the protagonist’s current ethereal beauty), but a loving romance blooming in spring between these two enemies? No matter what anyone said, it was too much.

There was nothing Luo Binghe ‘lacked’ as a child, and there was nothing he could have done, because Shen Qingqiu was just not the kind of man whose cold heart would budge from watching a white lotus grow into himself.

“Luo Binghe, then,” Shen Yuan said quietly. “Let me try wishing for a ‘nice shizun.’”

“You'll get me a nice shizun,” said Luo Binghe echoed. His downcast face immediately split into a maniacal grin. “What do you want from me Senior Shen? You refuse all repayment, but tell me plainly. What are you here for?”

Shen Yuan blinked. When Luo Binghe moved, he kicked a slab of his shedded flesh around. He hadn't said a word about the torn flesh, or let it show on his face. He'd kept grinning and grinning in a way no one should have been after getting themselves mauled by a dimensional rift. But the same Luo Binghe, with his eyes cast in shadow, looked… 

“There are many naive hearted fools in this world who want to help everybody, Senior Shen,” Luo Binghe inhaled like he was pulling teeth, forcibly wrenching his words away from his nice shizun. “But you aren’t one of them. You are bound and you resent it, but you don't want to be freed. You value your life, yet you don't want to live it outside this lamp. Then what is it? What is it that you want?”

Every wound Luo Binghe had ever come by and hoarded the upset of; because he had been eleven when he resolved never to cry again, and then seventeen when he finally had before he violently shoved that back down, seemed to have spilled from his tight clutches and splayed out on what little Shen Yuan could make out of his face. Maybe his grip on things had always been this tenuous, for all of it to build up to cutting himself on the hopes of finding a Nice Shizun. If Luo Binghe wanted something so strongly it left him winded, he had surely exhausted all his options looking for it.

“I… just wanted to help,” Shen Yuan shrugged helplessly. He’d always just wanted to help. If it didn't work, it didn't work, but at least Shen Yuan could garner some goodwill this way. That was all there was to it.

“I can try and give you a nice shizun,” Shen Yuan said again. If the system wanted him to wish on people’s behalf so bad, the least it could do was cooperate with what the lamp’s dear protagonist customer wanted. 

Something like this was too embarrassing to say out loud.

So Shen Yuan clapped his hands together, and chanted it in his mind. 

There was still no throbbing, or blaring alarms at his transgression. This should surely mean the system was alright with this, right?

Wishing done, Shen Yuan put his hands back to his sides. He had never noticed how awkwardly they just hung there before. 

A green shard bloomed in front of Shen Yuan’s face. Going by Luo Binghe’s careful study of his wishing game, and how he had not showed any alarm, Shen Yuan naturally assume this was one of the System’s invisible trinkets.

[Inventory slot updated: Guanyin pendant x1. SS grade item that can lower 5000 Anger Points.]

The ambiguous shard turned tangible in thin air, and fell into Shen Yuan’s outstretched hands with a full thump. It had dulled considerably from the verdant glow it had been giving off. Now it was a scratchy old thing, clearly counterfeit even to the amateur eye. It was also Luo Binghe’s greatest treasure.

Resignedly, Shen Yuan reflected on the fact that he was quite possibly fucked.

He was calmer than he expected himself to be. 

Luo Binghe’s eyes, that had been brimming with something intense and hope-like, were quickly hardening.

“Turns out you can't wish people into existence after all,” reported Shen Yuan, after a long stretch of silence.

System? Any input? Shen Yuan tried.

A predictable silence. 

Oh fuck it, he thought. Before Luo Binghe could pounce and make him Sausage Yuan, he strode forward and crossed the little distance between them. Luo Binghe had done most of the work for him already, so it was easy to put his hands over Luo Binghe’s shoulder, and loop the pendant over it. This was his last run. If this pendant didn't miraculously cool Luo Binghe down, then he was fully doomed.

With his lightning quick reflexes, Luo Binghe should have pushed him away. But perhaps the shock of the cowardly, elusive Senior Genie approaching him first instead of vice versa got to him. Shen Yuan took advantage of this shock to tie secure loops around the pendant. As it was, the loosely tied string would unravel at the slightest hint of action. And of course, Luo Binghe, being Luo Binghe, got a lot of action.

When he was done, Shen Yuan took the opportunity to look Luo Binghe in the eye, and spoke in a way that was the closest he had gotten to earnest in his twenty-odd years of life. “Look, you don't need this nice shizun anyway—” Luo Binghe bared his teeth, and made to loom forward but Shen Yuan pressed down on his shoulders. It didn't make the protagonist budge, but it made Shen Yuan feel like he was making an effort. “Listen to me first! You're Luo Binghe! If you lose one wife, you’ll gain three hundred more. You're not like other people. You shouldn't need to do all this to be 'loved', that’s stupid. That would make this a stupid story. It’s unsatisfying if Luo Binghe can't be happy, because you're one of the best things in here.”

Now Luo Binghe did budge, and his shoulders had frozen where Shen Yuan was gripping them. Shen Yuan felt like a sports coach giving a pep talk, or maybe even a mother bird who was teaching its young one about the ways of the wild.

“And, if you say you’ve never been loved— how disrespectful is that to your mother, hm?” Shen Yuan moved away, and inspected the counterfeit jade resting on Luo Binghe’s rich collars. "She saved up so much for a gift because she loved you."

Luo Binghe's shoulder was shaking. Shen Yuan weakly hoped it wasn't in rage.

“Senior Shen, just how much do you really know about me?” said Luo Binghe, like his voice was coming from somewhere far away and not himself.

“Your life is a book where I’m from,” Shen Yuan said bluntly. He had taken a chance with that reveal, but the system stayed blissfully silent, and he counted it as a win. “And I’ll be honest, I kept reading so much because ... well, you know," he trailed off, mumbling. It's not like he was saying it in the way Luo Binghe kept misinterpreting him—this was just facts.

On second thought...it was embarrassing. He had ranted about the virtues of a protagonist at a protagonist, who should know better than anyone what the job entailed. And on top of that, he'd done it to the protagonist of one of the trashiest (if most popular) novels on Zhongdian!

In the ensuing silence Shen Yuan took two more steps back, shuffling his feet.

He was half-expecting Luo Binghe to announce something that amounted to TIME TO RIP YOUR LIMBS INTO PIECES, but when he finally lifted his chin to sneak a peek, Luo Binghe was staring at him like he’d found the cure to cancer. 

????!

All the air rushed into Shen Yuan’s lungs in sharp relief. Luo Binghe had been odd throughout, but that just could not be the face of a man who was about to human stick you. It wasn't even the face of a regular human being; if someone wanted this moment painted, they'd have to call a master at chiaroscuro, who would still fail to capture the licks of darkness fighting over Luo Binghe's outline and the protagonist himself, shining like a deity fabled to kiss your forehead in benediction, and leave not a single ailment alive.

Cough! cough!

A bucket of ice-cold relief poured over his heart. Thank you God! Buddha! Jesus!

What started out as a tickling in Shen Yuan’s throat had devolved into a violent hacking.

Encroaching on the sides of this imaginary artist’s painting, was a deep green smog.

It was here! Senior Genie's trademark green smoke was back in business! Shen Yuan had made it! There was a temporary lag after the Guanyin pendant, but that hadn't been so bad! What mattered was that he was getting out of there! 

Luo Binghe’s pupil contracted, and it was such a sharp change in his expression that Shen Yuan flinched back.

“Senior Shen is leaving! Again!” Luo Binghe roared. The outburst left him heaving like a petulant child.

“All this time,” Shen Yuan’s mouth scrambled to explain before it had convened with his brain. “All this time I wasn't returning to the lamp. This is the first time I've been here.”

Luo Binghe fluffed down, and he inclined his head in open curiosity.

In this way, when he peered through his eyelashes it seemed like he was the one shorter than Shen Yuan. 

“And where I’m from you have one of the best stories ever.” Shen Yuan lied bald-faced, “So. So, chin up. Don't be too upset about the wish.”

“Oh, but,” Luo Binghe said slowly. His face broke into the sweetest smile. “The wish did come true.”

What?! What really went down in this bizzarro world that Luo Binghe visited??! Was this ‘Nice shizun’ the Jade Guanyin?! 

“Don't worry about it,” Luo Binghe said. Through the green-grey of the smoke, Shen Yuan could only see a glinting eye, and the zuiyin that beat as red as a heart. Luo Binghe curled his calloused fingers around Shen Yuan’s wrist, like he was the one reassuring Shen Yuan instead of vice versa. 

He murmured, “I will visit.”

[THANK YOU FOR READING THE LAST ISSUE OF PROUD IMMORTAL DEMON WAY. YOUR SUPPORT THROUGHOUT ITS SERIALIZATION WAS MY GREATEST JOY. -AIRPLANE SHOOTING TOWARDS THE SKY]

1 hr ago GeniesClappingCheeks:

WHAT. THATS IT???????

> [478 comment threads]

2 hrs ago Proxy 08

please I sent u flowers can I get your number?

> 1 hr ago [MOD] king: dude lay off!!

> 1 hr ago [MOD] king: [Proxy 08 BANNED]

little omake

Luo Binghe finding him was the last thing he wanted!!!!

Before he could get that out, the air swirled and swirled like it was any other day excursion —no potential human sticking averted today, nothing to see here— and Shen Yuan inhaled a deep lungful of air, staring up at Airplane’s ceiling. 

“Bro?” A head propped up in his vision, blocking the LED light out. 

Holy shit, thought Shen Yuan. He was fucked.

“Hey, are you okay?” Airplane had taken to shaking him by the shoulder. 

“Don't open your door for strangers,” Shen Yuan blurted out. 

“What does that mean??! What did you do??!” 

He threw a tired arm over his eyes.

Airplane started muttering about this and that, and how Shen Yuan had failed entirely, because he still didn't have any new ideas for PIDW that wasn't genderbending Senior genie. 

“But at least you’re alive, bro! That's more than so many other people can hope for, going toe to toe in a mental deathmatch with my son, hahahaha!”

And Shen Yuan could only think, Holy shit. 

The prota—conqueror of the three Realms, Luo Binghe was going to find him.