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Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which the hand-holding begins

It was time.  After years of preparation and months of planning and rehearsing, it was time to start filming “Wicked.”

Jon was nervous, excited, and all the emotions one would expect when directing something as massive and beloved as Wicked.  Despite all the moving pieces, he felt a certain sense of calm because he knew that his film was in incredible hands.  From the production crew to the food service to the cast themselves, he had done everything in his power to thoughtfully and intentionally only select people who truly wanted to be there and who loved the project as much as he did.

He felt that he had especially lucked up with Cynthia and Ariana.  Not only were they outstanding performers, he had not seen a single ounce of ego from either of them.  From the minute they had met each other, they just clicked.  They were kind to everyone on the set, and perhaps most importantly, kind to each other.  Jon knew of way too many horror stories about co-stars who hated one another or fought over attention and contracts and praise.  None of that had happened with them.

On top of that, they seemed to genuinely like each other, which was a rare blessing on a movie set.  He’d just recently recorded a video of them talking, lost in their own little world, completely oblivious to anyone around them because they were so content in each other’s company.

It was probably the most beautiful gift a director could receive.

So, when on the first day of shooting one of the big opening scenes in Munchkinland, an assistant pulled him and aside and said, “we’re having a problem with Ari, she won’t come out of the dressing room,” Jon hung his head and sighed. 

A flash of irritation went through him as he abandoned what he was doing and headed to Ariana’s trailer.  He had tried so hard not to pick someone that he thought would become a problem.  Of all the high-powered stars who had auditioned for Glinda, Ariana was, by far, the biggest.  She was an absolute mega-star already, and before casting her, he worried that her ego would be too big to play a supporting role.  Even though he had been convinced that she was the right choice after her very first audition, he’d made her come in three more times.  Not to punish her or to be a jackass.  But to be certain that she was actually humble enough to work for something and not simply expect it because she was Ariana Grande.

Ari had passed that test with flying colors, and she had been a dream to work with every day since.

So why the hell would she not come out of her trailer on their very first day of shooting?

Jon swung the door to the trailer open, expecting to find her throwing a fit or causing a scene, maybe demanding something unreasonable like only being spoken to by Jon or saying she wouldn’t start her day before 12 PM.

What he did not expect was to find her fully dressed in her Glinda costume, crying hysterically, while assistants waved magazines and scripts at her face in an effort to cool her off. 

His body went on full alert and his mind immediately began to race with all the possibilities.  Was she hurt?  Was someone else hurt?  What the hell was going on?

One of the assistants left Ari’s side and pulled Jon to the door.

“I think she’s having a panic attack,” she said quietly.

Oh, hell.  Diva behavior, he was prepared for.  Panic attacks, not so much.

“What do we do?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I already called her mom and she’ll be here soon.  She was coming today anyway, but now she’ll be here in about twenty minutes, maybe.”

“Twenty minutes?” he asked, daring another glance at the sobbing woman on the small couch. 

Ariana seemed to not only be crying but hyperventilating, taking erratic breaths as the assistant still with her encouraged her to put her head between her knees and slow her breathing.  Jon’s mind scrambled for what to do, because he genuinely didn’t know.  He was no expert on panic attacks, but he could pretty well guess that twenty minutes of melting down was probably not good.  He felt his own brief flash of panic and stood there, helpless and useless for a moment, before he walked over and gently patted Ariana’s back.

“Ari,” he said, “it’s going to be okay.  Your mom is on the way.”

“I….I…,” she said, her head still between her knees and the tears still falling.  “I…I c-c-can’t breathe.”

Jon finally had the good sense to pull out his phone to Google “how to help someone having a panic attack.”  He was so thrown off by everything happening that he couldn’t make sense of the words on his phone screen.  He was vaguely aware that one of the assistants had left, and he wondered if he needed to call an ambulance.  That seemed extreme, but panic had started to flood his nervous system, too, and he wasn’t thinking as clearly as he usually did.

“Ari?”

Jon’s head snapped up and he had never been more grateful to see another human being than he was at that moment.  Cynthia, dressed in her street clothes and a beanie, thanked the assistant who obviously had the good sense to get her, and immediately took over.  She asked the assistants to leave, and she shooed Jon out of the way.  He stood back by the door, calculating what he would do if Ariana couldn’t go.  The whole day was planned for the Munchkinland scenes, which she was a huge part of.  But he put that on the back burner as he watched Cynthia grab some tissues from a box on the counter and then kneel in front of Ariana.

“Ari,” Cynthia said in an extraordinarily gentle voice.  “Ari, love, look at me.”

Ariana looked up, her breathing jerky and her face stained with tears.  She would definitely have to go back into makeup.

“Hi,” Cynthia said with a smile, and she dabbed a tissue across Ari’s face to wipe away the tears.  “Hello, darling.  What’s happened?”

“I…I…,” Ari started again.  “I…can’t do it.”

“What can’t you do?”

“G-G-Glinda,” she said, a fresh batch of tears pouring out.

Cynthia gently took Ariana’s hands and squeezed them.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay.  It’s okay.  I want you to take some deep breaths with me, okay?  Can you do that?”

Ari nodded jerkily.

“Perfect, darling.  That’s perfect.  On the count of three, we’re both going to take one big deep breath together.  Are you ready?” A nod.  “Good.  One.  Two.  Three.”

They both took deep breaths, and Ariana waited to release it until Cynthia released hers.

“Perfect,” Cynthia said, with another big smile.  “That’s very good.  Let’s do it again.  Together.”

Jon felt his own body started to relax some as Cynthia walked Ariana through several rounds of deep breaths, until the raggedness of Ari’s breathing started to die down and the crying ceased.

“You are doing such a good job,” Cynthia said, with the patience of an actual saint.  “Are you with me?”

A nod.

“Good.  We’re here, together, in this very moment.  Nothing else matters except you and me.  Can you hear my voice?” A nod.  “What does my voice sound like to you?”

Ari sniffled and hiccupped.  “Like…like an a-a-angel’s.”

Cynthia laughed, and Jon was surprised to see a tiny smile at the corner of Ariana’s face, even as she still tried to get her breathing under control.

“Can you feel my hands?” Cynthia asked, giving Ariana’s hands another gentle squeeze.  After Ari nodded, she asked, “what do they feel like to you?”

Ariana took a few more breaths and looked down at their hands.

“W-warm,” she said.  “Soft.”  She returned the squeeze.  “Strong.”

“Yeah,” Cynthia said softly.  “This is where you are right now, okay?  In this room with me.  You see me, you hear me, you feel me.  We’re not in the past or the future, yeah?  Just right here, right now.  This moment is what’s real.”

Ari sniffled again and nodded, and Jon noticed that she was rubbing her thumbs back and forth on Cynthia’s hands like windshield wipers, squeezing occasionally, and generally holding onto Cynthia like her life depended on it.

“Do you like holding my hands?” Cynthia asked.

Ari nodded vigorously.

“Then you can hold them any time you want,” Cynthia said, still in that gentle, patient voice.  “When you’re upset.  When you’re scared.  When you’re anxious or nervous.  When you’re happy!  My hands will always be here for you to hold.  Because we are in this together, all right?  Remember we promised that we would take care of each other?”

“Yes,” Ari said in a small voice.

“I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere.  Do you think you can talk to me now?  Can you tell me what’s this about you can’t be Glinda?”

Ari sniffled, her tears having finally subsided, and her breathing was still a little hiccup-y but better.

 “I…I’ve wanted this…for…for so long,” she said.  “And now that I’m h-here, I feel like I c-can’t live up to the hype.”

“You can.  And you will.  Have you forgotten that you’re the Ariana Grande?  You have legions of fans around the globe.  This is light work for you.”

“It’s not,” she said softly.  “This means e-e-everything to me.  And I d-don’t want to mess it up.”

“You won’t, darling.  I believe in you 100%.  Look at you.” Cynthia gestured to Ariana in her bubblegum pink outfit.  “You were meant to play this role.  You are Glinda.  You’re my Glinda, and there is nobody on this Earth I’d rather do this with than you.  Do you believe that?”

Ariana was still looking at the combined hands, and when she didn’t answer, Cynthia extracted one hand and used it to lift Ari’s chin.  They looked at each other, their faces mere inches apart, and Jon could practically feel the electricity bouncing between them.

He wondered if he was too late to change the script and make the movie a lesbian love story instead.

“Do you believe that?” she asked again, quieter this time.

“Yes,” was the whispered response.

“But?”

Ari hesitated, their eyes firmly locked on each other.  “But w-what if I let you down?”

“Oh, sweetheart, you could never let me down.  Never.”

They gazed at each other for so long that Jon actually checked his watch.  Was it normal for people to have such intense eye contact like that for such a prolonged period of time?  He thought that maybe he should leave, but he also worried if he broke whatever spell had been cast in the room that Ari might start crying again. So he stayed where he was, trying not to invade what appeared to be a private moment but also taking notes for any future issues he might have with either star.  Clearly, they were each other’s antidote.

“I can really h-hold your hand whenever I want?” Ariana asked, her eyes puffy but finally tear-free.

“Any time.”

Ari rubbed her thumb over Cynthia’s hand.

“You d-don’t think that’s too clingy?”

“What?” Cynthia asked, truly confused by the question. “No.”

“I-I’m not too much for you?”

“Darling, no.”  Cynthia cupped one of Ari’s cheeks.  “You have a big heart, and big hearts come with big feelings.  I love that about you.”

A smile started to work its way onto Ari’s face.

“W-will you stay today?” she asked.  “While I film my scenes?”

“Of course I will.  We’re partners, remember?”

The smile got a little big bigger, and then Ariana pulled her hands away to wrap her arms around Cynthia in a hug.  Cynthia hugged her back with as much exuberance as she received, and even from where he stood, Jon could hear them whispering what he could only describe as sweet nothings to each other. 

Thank you.

You can do this.

I feel safe with you.

I’m proud of you.

You’re amazing.

I’m here for you.

At some point, he cleared his throat, but neither of them moved or even acted like they heard him.

“Are we okay here now?” he asked.

Absolutely no response. They just kept hugging and whispering and rubbing each other’s backs.  Jon decided that his leaving would probably have no effect on them, so he left the trailer and took a deep breath once he was outside.

He could honestly say he had never seen anything like the exchange between Cynthia and Ariana.  It was friendly and supportive, but also way, way more than that.

The first rule of directing, he had learned, was to never get involved with your stars’ personal lives.  Especially when they were personal with each other.  Unless it was causing a problem, he was going to stay out of it.  And if today was any indication, their bond seemed like more of a help than a hindrance.

“Everything okay?” one of the assistants asked as he walked back to the area where the Munchkin actors were waiting for instruction.

“Yeah,” he said.  “I think it’s fine.  Give them a few minutes and let’s get everyone else set up.”

They actually didn’t need Ari for the first part of the song, so he focused on getting that done and almost forgot about everything that had happened in the trailer.  By the time Ariana was actually needed, nobody could have guessed about the drama from earlier in the day.  She was present and smiling, with her makeup redone and Cynthia’s hand grasped firmly in hers.

It stayed that way for the rest of the day, and, really, for the rest of the film.  True to her word, Cynthia was there every single day to support Ariana, whether Cynthia was shooting or not.  Jon noticed how Ari looked for Cynthia before and after every scene.  The two women, who had already been close, seemed to get closer with every passing day.  They checked in with one another.  Hugged.  Cried.  Supported and looked out for each other.  They held hands on a daily basis. 

Honestly, it was probably more like an hourly basis.

And they’ve been holding hands ever since.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which Ari gets jealous

Ariana Grande was living the dream.

Literally, the dream she’d had since she was ten years old.  She was finally, finally, playing Glinda in “Wicked,” and it was everything she could have ever hoped it would be. 

The script was fantastic.  The songs were amazing.  The sets were out of this world.  Everyone was so friendly to each other and they all loved the project so much that you could feel it in the air. 

Ariana was happier than she had ever been in her life, and Cynthia Erivo played no small part in that happiness. 

Ari had known of Cynthia before they met, because as a die-hard theater kid, she kept up with what was happening on Broadway.  She knew about Cynthia’s incredible performance in “The Color Purple,” and had been blown away by her singing at the Oscars.  Cynthia exuded a confidence and poise that Ari aspired to, and Ari could admit she was a bit in awe of Cynthia.

That awe only grew when they met.  They’d hit it off immediately, and over the last few months of rehearsing and shooting and spending so much time together, their friendship had grown into something very real.  They were different in many ways, but also so alike in many ways, too.  Where Cynthia was more serious and grounded, Ari was silly and fun, and they balanced each other out.  They sang together like their voices were made to blend, even without any practice.  Despite spending almost their whole day together day in and day out, they never seemed to run out of things to talk about. Thing 1 and Thing 2, Jeff called them.  It was becoming one of the most beautiful friendships Ari had ever had, and she’d had some good ones. 

That’s why Ari was excited for Cynthia’s birthday like it was her own.

As she clambered into the car awaiting her on the frigid morning of January 8^th, Ari had to finagle all the things she was carrying.  She had “Happy birthday” balloons, a teddy bear lightly spritzed with her perfume that Cynthia loved, a perfectly-wrapped box which held a pair of flamboyant thigh-high skyscraper-length stripper boots that she knew her Elphie would adore, and a book about self-care for Capricorns.  They were both super into astrology (yet another thing they had in common), and Ari had noticed that while Cynthia was great at taking care of everyone around her, she wasn’t so great at taking care of herself.

Ari felt bubbly and bright and hummed to herself as she was driven to set and directly to her makeup trailer.  She chatted away and anxiously awaited the end of the tattoo cover-up, makeup, and wig placement because she wanted to be able to surprise Cynthia with her gifts before they started shooting for the day.  When she was all made-up, she nearly bolted out of her seat and grabbed all her goodies before heading next door to Cynthia’s make-up trailer.  She knocked three times and when she heard a “come in,” she did a little Galinda-inspired “toss-toss,” and walked in singing Happy Birthday.

Cynthia was in the chair, looking about halfway greenified, and when she heard Ari singing and saw all the presents, her lips broke into a huge grin and she started to cover her face before remembering she was still being airbrushed.

“Happy birthday, my Elphiiiiie,” Ari sang, holding the “Elphie” for a long time.  “Happy birthday to youuuuu.”

“Oh my God, you’re making me blush,” Cynthia said, before asking the makeup artist if they could take a short break.  “Look at all this!” she said as she stood and opened her arms for a hug.  “You didn’t have to do this.”

Ari placed all the loot down long enough to hug Cynthia, and they swayed in each other’s arms for a moment.

“I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to.  Happy birthday!”

“This is soooo sweet, Ari,” Cynthia said, as she smiled at the balloons.  She picked up the teddy bear and hugged it, and her smile got even bigger.  “Did you spray your perfume on this?”

“Maybe,” Ari said, unable to stop her matching grin.

“You know I love that.”

“I know,” Ari sang in her Glinda voice.

“And what’s all this?” Cynthia asked, gesturing to the big wrapped box and the little wrapped book.

“Open them!  Also, I wrapped them myself,” Ari said, poking out her chest in pride.  She had never been a very good gift-wrapper, but she had stayed up watching tutorials on YouTube because she wanted to get it just right for Cynthia.

“And you did an amazing job.  Come sit with me.”

Cynthia took her hand and led her to the small couch behind the makeup chair.  Ari watched, as excited as if she was the one opening gifts, and her heart leapt when Cynthia pulled out the boots and there was obvious joy on her face.

“Oh my God,” she said.  “I love these.  They’re…what’s your favorite Oz word again?”

“Scandalocious,” they said together, before breaking into a fit of giggles.

“I cannot wait to wear these,” Cynthia said.

“You should wear them tonight,” Ari suggested.  Jon had promised they would end a little early so they could all get together for a birthday dinner.  It was supposed to be casual but Ari was kind of itching to see her in the boots.

“Done,” Cynthia said without hesitation.

Ari squealed and clapped her hands.

Cynthia moved on to the smaller gift, and her face took on a heartfelt, deeply touched expression when she read the title of the book.  She turned to Ari, her eyes welling up like they often did whenever the two of them did anything even remotely affectionate for one another.

“Ari,” she said, taking her hands.  “This is so sweet and so thoughtful.”

“Well, you’re always taking care of us, and I thought this might give you some good suggestions on how to take care of yourself, too.”

“I’m going to read this every time we have a break,” Cynthia promised, holding the book her chest.

“I’m glad you like it.”

“I love it.  All of it.  So much.  And I love you, too.”

Warmth spread from Ari’s chest throughout her entire body, as the sincerity in Cynthia’s words settled into her bones like the best hug.  They had said they loved each other a couple of times, but those times were usually kind of jokey and lighthearted.  This “I love you” didn’t feel like that, and Ari felt a funny little twinge in her heart.

“I love you, too,” she said.

Cynthia stood, bringing Ari with her, and they embraced in another hug.  Ari really let herself feel Cynthia’s closeness, the contrasting softness and hardness of her body, and the faint almost masculine woodsy smell of her perfume.  It wasn’t a scent Ari could have pulled off, but it smelled fucking amazing on Cynthia.

The trailer door opened but Ari paid it no mind until a voice said, “I got that tea you wanted.”

Ari turned, still in Cynthia’s arms, and saw a taller, tattooed woman walking closer to them, with a cup in her hand.  They’d never met, but Ari knew her from the Hollywood crowd and from pictures Cynthia had shown her.  Cynthia pulled away from their hug to accept the cup.

“Thank you, babe,” she said with a big grin on her face.  It wasn’t clear to Ari whether it was the same grin she’d had because of Ari’s gifts, or if it was a new grin.  “You two haven’t met yet!  Ari, this is my partner, Lena.  Lena, you may be familiar with Ariana Grande.”

Lena smiled in a lopsided way and extended her hand.

“I might have heard of you,” she teased.  “Positions is dope.  I have that thing on repeat at the house.”

“She really does,” Cynthia nodded, looking from her girlfriend to Ari.

The compliment went right over Ari’s head, and she had no time to cover it up or say “hello” or “nice to meet you” or any other normal polite greeting, because Cynthia then leaned over and kissed Lena on the lips, and Ariana’s joyful mood completely shattered.

A strange, very uncomfortable feeling took root in the pit of her stomach and she suddenly felt like she might throw up.  The two girlfriends exchanged loving looks and then they both looked at Ariana, seemingly waiting for something.  She snapped out of her fog just enough to jut her hand out and shake Lena’s hand in the most rigid, I’ve-never-shaken-anyone’s-hand-before way.

“Hi,” was all she could get out.  “Thanks.”

What? 

She cringed internally because she didn’t even know what she was thanking her for, but neither of them seemed to think it was as stupid as it definitely was.

“Lena’s in town for the week,” Cynthia said, allowing herself to be pulled into Lena’s side, which only made the tightening in Ari’s stomach worse.  “Maybe the three of us could do something before she leaves.”

“Maybe,” Ari said, as convincingly as she could, which was not at all.  She couldn’t tear her eyes away from the interaction between Cynthia and Lena, even though looking at them made her feel…queasy?  Was that it?

“Anyway, I should probably get to set,” she said, ready to just get the hell away from them. 

“Okay, darling, I’ll be behind you shortly.”

Ari hightailed it out the trailer and went straight to the car waiting to take her to set.  She got in without even telling the driver she was ready or exchanging any kind of small talk, which wasn’t like her.  But her head felt like it was swimming.  As the car pulled off and she buckled herself up, she recognized that her heart was beating really fast and hard and she still kind of felt like she might vomit.

The feeling didn’t really go away as the day wore on, either.  She felt out of it and distracted during every scene, even though she managed to pull it together when she absolutely had to.  She usually cozied up to Cynthia between takes, but that spot appeared to be taken by Lena, and the stomach-twisting got worse.  She was normally a little sad when they wrapped for the day because that meant her time with Cynthia was ending, but on that day, she could not get out of there fast enough.

She did her best, truly, to reign in whatever was going on with her.  She kept on her makeup but didn’t make an effort to dress up for the dinner, and she was happy to see that nobody else had either.  She took a seat between Johnny and Jeff, two people who felt completely non-threatening and non-vomit-inducing, and she did her best to be distracted and happy.

That plan completely backfired when Cynthia waltzed into the restaurant, wearing the boots Ariana had given her.  She wore a short dress and a big furry coat that stopped at the knees, so all the attention was on the shoes.  And God, did she look good in them.  Ari’s heart thudded like a drum line and it only got worse when Cynthia caught eyes with her and winked.

“Wow,” Ari said, apparently out loud, because Jeff then followed her line of vision and loudly exclaimed, “Wow indeed!  You look amazing, birthday girl!”

“Where did you get those boots? Johnny asked, his eyes wide in amazement.

“My darling got them for me as a birthday present,” she said, inclining her head to Ari.

Ari blushed, not only at the nickname but the attention Cynthia’s comment brought.

“Damn, girl,” Bowen said, “what are you getting me for my birthday?”

Everyone laughed, breaking a bit of the tension that Ari was still holding from the day.  She watched as Cynthia walked around and greeted everyone with air kisses and hugs.  When she got to Ari, she leaned down, the scent of her perfume invading Ari’s space in the most pleasant way.  And unlike everyone else who had simply gotten the air kiss, Cynthia pressed her lips fully to Ari’s cheek and lingered for a second.

“I love them,” she whispered in Ari’s ear.

Ari turned so their faces were centimeters apart and she couldn’t help but gaze at Cynthia’s lips, which were right at her eye level.  Warmth spread again, this time straight down the center of her body, and that giddiness she had felt earlier in the day started to make a recovery.

Then, the restaurant door swung open, and there was Lena.

Again.

The cold blast of air from the open door acted like a wet blanket on whatever good feelings Ari had started to build again, and the contact between her and Cynthia was broken as Cynthia finished her rounds of hellos and eventually took a seat next to her girlfriend.

Conversation swirled around Ari throughout the dinner, but she barely heard any of it, much less participated.  Every time she made the mistake of looking at Cynthia and Lena, Cynthia was leaning into Lena’s side and Lena’s arm was wrapped around her.  They kissed a few times, and every time they did, an inexplicable rage overcame Ariana. 

It was rude to just be all over each other like that in front of people, wasn’t it?

It had to be.  That had to be what was annoying her so much: their lack of manners. Or maybe it was the fact that she was distant from her own husband that made her sad to see anyone else seemingly happy in their love relationship.

It also had to be the reason her heart kept wrenching just like her stomach had earlier.  She was too young to be having a heart attack, she was pretty sure.  She wanted to talk to someone and ask what they thought was happening, but the person she normally would have talked to about it was the person who was apparently causing all the distress.  So after dinner, when she was back in the safety of her own apartment, she did the next best thing and called her therapist.  She never, ever abused her privilege by calling her or texting her outside of their set appointments, but this felt like an emergency.

“Ari?” the therapist answered.

“I feel like someone took a screwdriver and is swirling up my insides,” she said, way too worked up to bother with things like “hello” and “how are you?”  “I think I’m having a heart attack.”

“Okay, wait, slow down.  Why do you think you’re having a heart attack?”

“Because my chest hurts!  And I just feel angry and sad, and I don’t know why!”

She was on the verge of tears but her therapist took a few moments to talk her down, to help her breathe, and to get her in a space where she could explain what was happening before Ari could descend into a full-blown panic.  She took some deep breaths and managed to stave off tears, and her therapist calmly asked her when she had started feeling this way.

“This morning,” she said, still feeling the chest tightness and stomach pain.  “I was fine.  I was happy!  I was so excited to give Cynthia her birthday gifts, and she loved them!”

“Okay, that sounds really nice.  That was very thoughtful of you.  So, everything was okay.  What happened next?”

Ari took another deep breath and blew it out, trying not to let herself get worked up over the memories of the day.

“Her girlfriend showed up.  And they kissed and were all lovey-dovey, and it just made me feel like I would throw up everything I’ve ever eaten!”

There was a long pause on the other end.

“….okay….”

“And Cynthia barely spent any time with me today because she was too busy with her.  And then at dinner, she wore the boots I got her and gave me a real kiss on the cheek while everyone else got a fake one and I thought everything was back to normal, but then the girlfriend showed up again and they were all over each other!”

Another, even longer pause.

“Uh-huh.  And how is that making you feel?”

“I don’t know,” she said, and she really didn’t.

“I want to pull out your emotions wheel and tell me the three basic feelings you’re having right now.”

“Um, okay, hold on.”

Ari put the phone on speaker while she navigated to her saved photos and pulled up the picture of an emotions wheel.  It was a tri-wheel of different emotions, starting with the most basic emotions like happy and sad, and extending to more nuanced feelings, like joyful and powerless.  It was a tool she and her therapist used to a lot to help her be more in touch with what she was feeling.

“Angry,” she said first, because that was the most predominant feeling.  She looked at the other basic emotions, and quietly added, “fearful.  Sad.”

She felt the sting of tears beginning to form, which she just could not understand.

“Yeah,” her therapist said gently.  “Now I want you to look at those same three categories and tell me a more specific emotion from them.”

Ari looked at the list, and as her eyes ran over the different emotions and she realized that she was feeling a lot of them, she didn’t bother to wipe her tears.

“Frustrated,” she said, her heart rate finally down again.  “Worried.”  She scanned the list for more specific ways to describe “sad,” and more tears fell when she said, “abandoned.”

“I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, Ari,” her therapist said, gently and genuinely.  “I know those are very uncomfortable feelings, aren’t they?”

“Yeah,” she said, sniffling as she wiped her face.

“That list of you gave me is valid, and I believe you are experiencing all those emotions, and that’s a lot.”

“Yeah,” she said barely above a whisper.

“But I also think there may be one overarching emotion that you’re experiencing, and it kind of encompasses all the other ones.”

“Which one is that?”

Ari scanned the list, looking for one that carried all the different things she was feeling, but she didn’t see it.  Her therapist gave her a minute to come up with it on her own, but when she didn’t, the therapist spoke.

“Jealous,” she said, as non-judgmentally as a person could.

“Jealous?” Ari asked, truly caught off guard by that.  She scanned the list and found “jealous” under “angry,” which was definitely the main feeling.

“Mm hm.”

“I’m not jealous,” she said immediately, without actually giving it any consideration.  She knew what jealously felt like, and this wasn’t it.  This was some kind of weird pre-heart attack thing, or something.

“I think you are,” the therapist said.  “Let’s break down what you told me.  You were happy and great until you saw the girlfriend with Cynthia.  Then you became upset and felt physically ill.  You were angry seeing them together on set and at dinner.  These bad feelings only seem to come up when the girlfriend is present.”

Ari mentally ran through the day again and was shocked to realize that her therapist was right.  She blinked a few times to try to clear her head but she couldn’t make sense of it.

“Why would I be jealous of her?” she asked.

“That’s a great question.”

Neither of them spoke as Ari tried to come up with a reason.  It wasn’t like Lena had ever done anything to her.  She seemed to treat Cynthia well.  Ari didn’t have a reason to be jealous.  But as she really gave herself the time to think about it, she supposed that maybe it was coming from the fact that she was used to having Cynthia’s undivided attention.  And her undivided affection.  And seeing someone else get those things felt bad.

“Why don’t you sleep on it?” the therapist suggested.  “And let’s talk about this during our next session, okay?”

“Okay,” Ari said.  “I’m sorry I called you for this.  Now I feel ridiculous.”

“Don’t ever be sorry for calling me.  That’s why I’m here.  It’s brave to share uncomfortable feelings like this, and I’m proud of you for doing it.  Just promise me that you’ll actually think about the reasons for the jealousy, okay?  Don’t brush it aside and assume it’s one thing, when it might be something else.”

Ari got the distinct impression that her therapist had a specific idea of what was going on, but she wanted Ari to figure it out for herself.

“Okay, I promise.”

“Good.  I’ll talk to you in a few days, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Ari slept fitfully that night, and she woke up in the middle of the night to google “do friends get jealous of their friends’ partners?” The answer was, apparently, a resounding yes, which helped her feel slightly less crazy.  The reasons given matched what she was feeling: angry and sad about a friend giving their attention to someone else, worried that the friendship isn’t as important as the romantic relationship, fear that the romantic partner will take the friend away.

Yes, that was all what she was feeling!

She sighed in relief knowing that this wasn’t so out of the norm, and she resolved to be better the next day.

Only, she wasn’t better.

No matter how hard she tried, she could not shake the jealousy when she saw Cynthia with Lena.  She couldn’t put a lid on her anger when they kissed or held hands.  She felt like wanted to punch something.

She figured since she couldn’t get herself together, the best thing for everyone was for her to stay away from them.  Out of sight, out of mind.  She couldn’t get jealous if she didn’t see what they were doing.  So, Ari broke the routine they had been building for months.  She didn’t text as much in the mornings or at nights.  She didn’t stop by Cynthia’s trailer first thing in the morning.  She didn’t look for her between takes and instead found comfort in other castmates who didn’t set her nervous system ablaze.  If Cynthia noticed, she didn’t say anything.

At least, not until Day 3 of Ari’s self-imposed distance.

Ari was in her trailer at the end of a long day, having just changed out of her Glinda costume into her comfiest sweats, when there was a knock on her trailer door.  She called for the person to come in, and her heart momentarily seized when Cynthia entered, still wearing green paint and her microbraids wig.

“Hey,” she said, with that big toothy smile.

“Hi,” Ari managed, even as her heart thundered at actually being alone with Cynthia for the first time in what felt like years.

“Where have you been?” Cynthia asked, hands on her hips.

“What do you mean?  I’ve been here.”

“Yes, I know you’ve been here, but I feel like we’ve barely talked these last couple of days.  You’re always with Jeff, or Johnny, or Bowen and I feel like we haven’t talked at all.”

“I can’t hang out with other people?” Ari asked, and she knew it was wrong the minute it left her lips.

Cynthia quirked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes.

“Of course, you can.  But it feels odd to me that we haven’t spent any time together.”

“I guess we’re both just busy,” Ari said with a very Galinda-like shrug.  She turned to hang up her outfit, hoping that Cynthia would get the message and leave.

She didn’t.

“What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Try again,” Cynthia said, her voice a little firmer.

Ari busied herself with something.  She didn’t even really know what.  She was simply moving around to not have to make eye contact.

“It’s nothing,” she said.

Cynthia caught her arm and gently turned her around so they were not only looking at each other, but in each other’s personal space.  Her perfume and the concerned look in her eyes nearly undid Ariana’s resolve to stay away from her.

“It’s not nothing,” she said gently.  “What’s the matter?  Have I done something to upset you?”

“No,” Ari said immediately.

“Have I said something?”

“No,” Ari said, trying to look away again.

“Why do you seem like you’re doing anything possible to not look at me, then?”

Ari huffed dramatically and extracted her arms.  She went back to puttering around, grabbing this and that with no real goal in mind.

“I told you it’s nothing.”

She picked up and put down the same piece of clothing.  She picked up her phone and looked at it, pretending to scroll through her messages even though she couldn’t even focus enough to open the messages app.  When she chanced a look up, Cynthia was still staring at her, decidedly unconvinced.

“I thought we didn’t lie to each other,” Cynthia said, her voice giving away a tiny bit of hurt.

Guilt flooded Ari but the thought of telling Cynthia the truth, that she was so incredibly jealous of Lena that she thought her head might explode, did not seem like a viable option.

“It’s personal,” she said.  “And I’m not ready to talk about it.”

Cynthia stood a little straighter but didn’t push.  Ari had learned that Cynthia was serious about boundaries, hers and others’, and she would never push Ari to share something she didn’t want to.

Still, her eyes flashed with that same hurt that had been in her voice.

“All right,” she said quietly.  “Well, I hope when you’re ready to share with me, you will.  You know I’m here for you, right?”

“Mm hm,” Ari said, because she didn’t trust herself to speak, lest she spill all the humiliating beans.

Cynthia nodded and left, and Ariana was both relieved and horribly sad.  She felt like an asshole for hurting Cynthia’s feelings, but Cynthia was kind of being an asshole by hurting her feelings, too, right?

When Ari had her regularly-scheduled appointment with her therapist the next day, she told the therapist about what she’d found on Google and how those feelings matched hers.  She said she was sure that’s where the jealousy was coming from, but therapist seemed…uncertain.

“Have you talked to Cynthia about how you’re feeling?”

“Oh, God, no,” Ariana said, shaking her head as well.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s embarrassing!  Who gets this jealous over their friend having a partner?”

The therapist waited a moment and said, “that’s a great question,” just like she had before.

“She did stop by my trailer and try to talk to me, but I told her it was nothing.”

“And how did she take that?”

Ari thought back to Cynthia’s face and sighed, her chest squeezing with guilt.

“She was hurt, I think,” she admitted.

“Oh?”

“Yeah.  She kept asking me if she had done something and why I wouldn’t talk to her, and she looked sad when I wouldn’t explain.”

“Ari,” the therapist said, almost on a sigh.  They were on a video call, and Ari knew she meant business when she saw the woman put her pen and paper down, take off her glasses, and look directly at the screen.  “I really, really, think you should talk with Cynthia about what’s going on.”

“I can’t, it’s too humiliating.”

“I know it’s uncomfortable.  Believe me, I know.  But you’re hurting her, yourself, and your friendship by keeping this from her.  Based on everything you’ve ever told me about her, including that she was hurt by your distance, I have every reason to believe she cares about you just as much as you care about her.  You should talk to her, so you can really name what’s going on here.”

“What do you mean, really name it?  I told you what it is.”

The therapist actually did sigh, then.  “Please.  Talk to her.  I think it’ll help.”

Ari sighed, loudly and dramatically.  “Okay, fine.  But if she says she hates me and abandons me forever, that’s going to be on your head and you’ll owe me at least four free sessions.”

The therapist cracked a smiled.  “Somehow, I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

Ari promised herself she would do it the next day.  But she didn’t.  Lena was around and everyone was busy, and it just wasn’t the right time.

She didn’t do it the next day, either, for similar reasons.

But by the day after that, she was really started to feel the distance and the strain was affecting her mood and their chemistry.  So, when the shooting day came to an end, she didn’t wait for Cynthia to come to her trailer.  She went to hers.  She stood outside and took several deep breaths, rehearsing exactly what she would say and how she would simply run out if Cynthia laughed at her or told her she was being stupid.

She knocked on the door with much more confidence than she felt, and a flurry of butterflies attached her stomach when she stepped inside and Cynthia eyed her warily.

“Hey,” Ari said, trying to sound chipper.

“Hey,” was the dry reply before Cynthia went about packing up her bag for the ride home.

“Where’s Lena?” Ari asked, even though asking about her made her mouth taste like ash.

“She has a production call, so she’s back at the apartment.”

“Hmm,” was all Ari said at first.  “Can we talk?”

Cynthia looked like she might be about to say something smart, but then her eyes fell to Ari’s hands, which she was wringing and twisting, and her defensive posture eased just a little.

“Okay.”

Cynthia sat on the couch and Ari took a seat next to her.  Every nerve in Ari’s system seemed to wake up at the same time, and she had to breathe a few times to get herself together.

“Hey,” Cynthia said softly.  She took Ari’s hand and squeezed it.  “Whatever it is, we can talk about it.”

Ari nodded, but she still needed a moment to figure out what to say.  She had a whole speech prepared, but suddenly, she couldn’t remember it.

“I’m sorry I’ve been distant,” she said.  “I…something has been going on with me, and I was embarrassed to tell you.”

Cynthia turned her body completely to Ari and covered their hands with her other hand.

“I won’t laugh,” Cynthia promised.

“I don’t know,” Ari sang, “you might.”

“I won’t.”

Ari hesitated some more, and her knees bounced up and down.

“Okay, so the thing is, lately, I guess I’ve been feeling…kind of…”

She shook her head, wondering she had gotten here.

Just say it.  Just bite the bullet and say it.

“Jealous,” she finally said, and she felt an instant measure of relief.  Her eyes flitted to Cynthia, not exactly sure what to expect, but it definitely wasn’t the look of confusion written all over her face.

“Jealous?” she asked.

Ari nodded, hoping she didn’t have to keep saying it.

“Of me?” Cynthia asked, still apparently confused.  “Why?  Because I’m the lead?”

“No!” Ari said immediately.  “No, not that!  I’m proud of you.  Truly!  I’m not jealous of you being the lead.  You’re perfect.”

“Then I don’t understand.”

Ari looked up at the ceiling and prayed silently for flying monkeys to swoop down and carry her to Oz.

“I’m jealous,” she tried again, “that you’ve been giving all your attention to Lena this week.”

There.  It was out there.  Jesus.

She turned her head to Cynthia, whose eyes had gotten a little wider and eyebrows a little higher, before she blew out a breath and sighed.

“Oh my God, you were scaring the shit out of me!  Is that all?”

“What do you mean, is that all? I’ve been twisted up about it all week!”

“Ari, love, that’s normal,” Cynthia said, squeezing her hands and offering her one of those gentle smiles.  “We’ve been joined at the hip for months.  Of course you’d be unhappy that somebody else is getting the attention I usually give you.  I’m sorry.  If I had known you felt that way, I would have made more of an effort to spend more time with you.”

“Oh,” Ari said, feeling a lot less reassured than she thought she would.

This was a good response, she knew.  Cynthia was being understanding and even apologized.  What else did she want?

Yet, something about it felt like Cynthia didn’t quite grasp the depths of Ari’s jealousy, and she figured that she might as well put it all out there.

“I’m not sure this is normal,” Ari admitted.

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve never felt this kind of jealousy before,” she said.  “I have other friends who have partners.  Some are married and some have kids, and they don’t have the time for me that they used to.  But I’ve never felt this,” she said, pointing to her chest and stomach.  “Angry and sad.  And…I don’t know.  I’m happy for my other friends when they’re with their partners.”

Cynthia furrowed her eyebrows in another display of confusion.

“And you’re not happy for me?” she asked.

Ari groaned.  “It’s not that,” she said. 

“Then what is it?”

“You’re different with her!” she blurted out before she could think about it.

“What do you mean?”

Ari extracted her hands and stood up so she could walk out some of the nervous and frustrated energy she had. 

“I mean, you’re usually so take-charge, you know?  You walk into a space and you take it over.  You’re always taking care of me and everyone else and you just seem, I don’t know, invincible!  But the whole week she’s been here, you’ve been, like, soft?” Ari said, unsure if she was getting her point across.  “She holds you, instead of you holding her.  You seem all….”  She waved her hand around. “Girly!”

A laugh bubbled out of Cynthia’s mouth.  “And that’s a bad thing?”

“No, it’s not.  You’re beautiful both ways.  You’re just…different.”

“Well, she is my partner,” Cynthia offered.  “I can let my guard down with her and I allow myself to be taken care of by her.”

Something about hearing that just sent Ari over the edge, and she blurted out her feelings with no filter.

“But I want you to be that way with me! I want to take care of you, too!”

It didn’t really dawn on her exactly what she’s said until Cynthia’s eyes widened and her mouth fell open a little bit.  Ari immediately shut her mouth and wished she could gobble the words back up.

Where the fuck had that come from?

“Ari,” Cynthia said softly, holding out her hand like she was reaching for a cornered animal.  “Do you think that maybe you have a little crush on me?”

And there it was.  The piece that her therapist had so obviously been trying to get her to figure out on her own.  It fit. All the pieces fit, finally.  The jealousy.  The anger.  The pure elation of surprising Cynthia with presents.  The heart-twisting sense of loss that she wasn’t Cynthia’s main priority while Lena was around.

Oh, shit.

“Oh my God,” Ari said, and her hand flew to her mouth.  “Oh, no.  I do have a crush on you.  Oh fuck, is this going to ruin our friendship?”

Cynthia stood up with her and took her hands again.  She was smiling, so that was a good sign.

“No, of course not, silly.  It’s okay.”

“It is?” Ari asked, feeling like it was very much not okay.

“Yes.  These things happen.  Especially when two people get along as well as we do and spend so much time together.”

“You’re not mad?”

“No!  Not at all.  I’m flattered, actually.  It’s nice to feel wanted and loved.”

Ari blew out a long-held breath and felt like she had finally gotten a huge invisible chip off her shoulder.  Cynthia wasn’t mad.  Their relationship hadn’t imploded.

The relief was palpable.

“I do love you,” Ari said, realizing for the first time how much she meant that.

“I know,” Cynthia said.  She brought one hand up to cup Ari’s cheek.  “And I love you.”

She pulled Ari in for a hug, and Ari basically melted into her.  They stayed that way for a while, making up for lost time, and when they pulled away, Cynthia smiled at her in a way that Ari could only describe as shy.

“And truth be told,” Cynthia started.  “I have a bit of a crush on you, too.”

Ari felt like she might float off the floor.

“You do?” she asked, a big smile spreading across her face.

“Yes, how could I not?  You’re beautiful and kind and insanely talented.”

It was Ari who blushed then.

“That’s how I feel about you,” she said.

They smiled at each other, and Cynthia started to giggle.  That made Ari giggle, and pretty soon, they were both doubled over laughing.

“Oh my God,” Ari said, trying to catch her breath.  “I feel like I’m in high school.”

“Me too,” Cynthia said, wiping tears of laughter away.

“So, this is really okay?” Ari asked, taking her hands again.  “We can be friends and have crushes on each other?”

“It’s okay, darling.  We get to decide what our relationship is and there’s nothing wrong with a harmless crush.  We’re people with feelings.  That doesn’t mean we have to act on them.”

“You promise this won’t ruin anything?”

“Yes, I promise.  Do you?”

“I do.”

They giggled again and Cynthia leaned in to plant a kiss on Ari’s forehead.

“I’m glad we had this talk,” she said.

“Me too.”

Ari helped her pack up the rest of her belongings, and she walked Cynthia to her car.

“Back to our regularly scheduled programming now?” Ari asked in a teasing voice.

“We’d better be.”  Ari started to close the door, but Cynthia called for her to wait.  When she looked inside, Cynthia said, “Lena will be gone tomorrow, and I’ll be all yours again.”

It was slightly embarrassing how happy that made Ari.

Chapter Text

In which things escalate

Cynthia was exhausted.

She was used to burning the candle at both ends.  She had, on one particularly ambitious day, run a marathon and then performed not one, but two, Broadway shows on the same day.  She was used to not sleeping, as she was only getting two to three hours of sleep while they filmed “Wicked.”  She was up at an ungodly hour every morning to run for two hours to keep her body in shape for the physical demands of playing Elphaba, before spending a few hours in makeup, twelve hours on set, and another hour or two getting her makeup removed. 

Physical exhaustion, she could handle.  She was a Capricorn, after all.

But emotional exhaustion was an entirely different beast.

She’d had emotionally trying days on the set, of course.  Elphaba meant the world to her, not only as a role but as a symbol of what she represented for people like Cynthia: the marginalized, overlooked, and underrepresented.  Every time Cynthia put on that green paint and microbraid wig, she felt the heavy responsibility of doing Elphaba proud. It was a role she took extremely seriously, and she was pouring her heart and soul into it every single day.

But as much as she liked to think otherwise, Cynthia was only human.  And the Ozdust ballroom scene really brought that home.  She knew intimately and viscerally what it was like to be an outcast, and stepping into that room and doing her odd little dance as Elphaba brought up so many hurtful memories that she couldn’t help but cry.  She’d wanted to wipe her tears and try again, but then Ari had wiped her face and whispered “it’s okay,” and Jon had insisted that they do it exactly that way.

They only did two takes of the scene of them dancing, and after the second take when Elphaba and Glinda ran off together, hand in hand, Ariana and Cynthia ended up in a backroom and Cynthia felt like she might collapse where she stood.

Her body felt heavy and drained, like she had been unplugged from an outlet.  She actually swayed on her feet, and before she could catch herself, Ari caught her.

“Hey,” Ari said softly.  “Whoa there.”

Ari wrapped her arms around Cynthia to keep her steady and be her anchor.  The room they were in was dim, just like it had been in the Ozdust ballroom, but Cynthia could see the look of concern on Ari’s face.  Her brown eyes were wide with worry, just like they had been when their eyes locked during the dancing scene.  It brought back all the feelings Cynthia had been trying to contain, and suddenly and very much against her will, she was crying.

And they weren’t just single tears, either.  It was a full torrent of tears, coming from the depths of Cynthia’s soul and psyche.  Ari pulled Cynthia into her arms, and Cynthia found her nose pressed against Ari’s neck while the tears racked her body.  The feminine, flowery perfume that wafted from Ari’s skin only made her cry harder.

“It’s okay,” Ari whispered over and over, as she rubbed Cynthia’s back through the black Elphaba dress.  “It’s okay to cry.  Let it out.”

And Cynthia did.  She had no idea how long they were standing there like that, with Ari holding her as she cried like a baby, but at some point, she managed to calm down and extract herself.  When she saw the mess of tears on Ari’s skin and dress, hot waves of embarrassment flooded her body.

“Oh, God, I’ve made a mess of you,” she said, reaching up to wipe Ari’s neck.  “I’m so sorry.”

Ari caught her hand before she could even reach the skin, and she said, “it’s okay.  I don’t mind.”

“But…your dress…”

“Can be dry-cleaned,” Ari said.  “And my skin can be washed.  It’s not a big deal.”

Ari’s hands slid down to Cynthia’s and gave her a gentle squeeze.  Cynthia closed her eyes and took a deep breath to steady herself.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ari asked quietly.

She really didn’t.

“No,” Cynthia answered in barely a whisper.  “I don’t think I have the energy.”

“Okay, that’s okay,” Ari promised.

“Plus, I’ve got to save my wits for our next few scenes.”

The sentence was barely out of her mouth before Ari said, “absolutely not.”

Cynthia’s eyes shot open and she was met with Ari’s defiant glare, her little chin jutted up and a stern look on her face.

“What?” Cynthia asked.

“You’re not shooting any more scenes today,” Ari informed her, like she got to decide that.

A disbelieving laugh left Cynthia’s mouth.

“Ari…”

“No, damn it,” Ari said.  “You’ve had a long, emotional day, and you need to go home, take a bath, and rest.  You’re done for the day.  I’m vetoing whoever says otherwise, including you.”

Cynthia’s first instinct was to protest.  After all, she was a grown woman and she knew her own limitations.  Ari was not her mother, or bodyguard, or protector.  Cynthia knew she could have easily talked Ari down, done the rest of her scenes, and toughed it out like she usually did.

But then she remembered all the conversations she and Ari had about taking care of each other.  It was usually Cynthia doing the caregiving: talking Ari through a panic attack or holding her hand or making sure she ate.  Ari had expressed a desire to return the favor, and even in her foggy state of mind, Cynthia could see that this was an attempt to do just that.

And she couldn’t remember the last time she had truly surrendered and let another person tend to her needs. 

She was so, so tired.

“Okay,” she finally said.

Ari’s eyebrows shot up, and it was obvious that she was just as surprised as Cynthia was at how quickly she folded.

“Good,” Ari said, nodding her head.  “I’ll go tell Jon.”

Cynthia went against every Capricorn instinct she had and simply waited until Ari returned, Ari’s chest puffed out and a little smirk on her face that indicated she had gotten her way.  Cynthia put up no resistance as Ari looped their arms together and walked her to her trailer.

“Change your clothes,” Ari said, “and go straight to the makeup trailer and get all that taken off.  I want you to text me when you get home, and I’m coming over once I’m done here.”

Cynthia almost objected but she really didn’t see the point.  Ari was a persistent little thing and if she wanted to come over, no amount of talking would stop her.  So she simply agreed and did everything she was told to do.  She left her Elphaba gear in her trailer and took the short ride to the make up trailer to get the green paint removed.  It was, mercifully, not a four-hour ordeal, and the minute she was back in her apartment, she fed her dogs and immediately drew a bath. 

As she sat in the steaming hot water and actually allowed the bath to ease her tired muscles, she called her mom and told her about the day.  They spoke for a while, and then Cynthia called Lena and told her about it, too.  Both conversations were helpful, she supposed, but there was a certain something that lingered around her that she just couldn’t shake.  It wasn’t quite sadness.  It wasn’t quite irritation.  She just felt off, like she had brought Elphaba’s trauma home with her and she didn’t know how to get rid of it.

She put on her most comfortable pajamas and tried to sit still, which was a tough task for her.  She read a little, lounged around and generally tried to do nothing as night fell.  Later, she had just begun to warm up some leftovers when there was a knock on her front door and both dogs barked and ran to it.  She abandoned the food and swung the door open, and there stood Ari in a big coat, silk pajamas, her two dogs and a small overnight bag in one hand and a brown bag with the name of one of their favorite restaurants on it in the other.

The smile that came across Cynthia’s face felt like the first one in days.

“Hi,” she said.

“We’re having a sleeeeepoooover,” Ari sang, gliding into the apartment like it was hers.  She unleashed the dogs, who immediately began sniffing and yapping at and playing with Cynthia’s dogs. 

Cynthia knew she should have protested.  She should have told Ari that she was okay, that she didn’t have to stay, that she would sleep it off and be fine tomorrow.  But as she closed the door and took in the scene unfolding before her, the warmth spreading throughout her body was too strong to push down.

Ari flitted about Cynthia’s kitchen, chattering and pulling out bowls and plates and silverware.  Their four dogs ran around like happy children, chasing each other around the living room.  Ari shed her big puffy jacket and hung it up, stopping to grab Cynthia’s hand along the way.  She was going on and on about something that had happened after Cynthia’s departure, and Cynthia found herself smiling.

It was all so…domestic.

“Come, sit,” Ari said, depositing Cynthia on the couch.  She unfolded a blanket and spread it over Cynthia’s body and then brought her a bowl of soup and salad from a little mom and pop restaurant that they had both fallen in love with while shooting the movie.  Cynthia fought down the urge to help and instead accepted the food and the blankets and all the fussing Ari was doing over her.

“What are we watching?” Ari asked, as she slid onto the couch next to Cynthia, with her own food in her lap and one of those adorable, dimple-inducing smiles on her face.

A heady, full-body sense of comfort enveloped Cynthia, and she realized that whatever she was missing after her phone calls with her mom and Lena, she was getting from Ari’s presence. 

“Whatever you want,” she said.

Ari was all too happy to commandeer the remote and Cynthia was happy to let her.  Ari picked a show they had already watched one episode of, and once she was finished eating, Cynthia found herself so incredibly cozy that her eyes started getting heavy.  She dozed off a few times, her head nodding forward before she jerked herself back up to at least pretend to watch the show.  After about the third time, she felt Ari’s hand on her back.

“Hey,” Ari said gently.  “Come on, let’s get in the bed.”

Ari stood and offered her hands, and once Cynthia was on her feet, she started to reach down to pick up her containers.

“No, no,” Ari told her.  “I’ll clean everything up. You got get comfy and I’ll be in there in a minute.”

Cynthia didn’t have the energy (or the desire) to argue.  She stopped by her bathroom to use it and brush her teeth, and then she slid underneath the sheets and big fluffy comforter on her bed.  She got in her favorite position, resting on her left side, and a tired smile formed on her lips while she listened to Ari sing and hum and otherwise make a lot of noise while she cleaned up.  Cynthia’s dogs raced into her room and jumped on her bed, and they were immediately followed by Ari’s.  By the time Ari finished cleaning and doing her own nighttime routine, she had to scoop furry bodies out of the way just to make some room for herself.

“Well, this is a full house, isn’t it?” she asked.

Cynthia smiled.  “Yeah, but it’s nice.”

Ari smiled back.  “It is nice.  Now, are you a big spoon or a little spoon?”

“Little,” Cynthia said, feeling a flush of embarrassment overtake her cheeks at admitting that.  She was sure she did not give “little spoon” energy and she halfway expected some sort of teasing, but instead Ari simply clicked off the lamp next to the bed, rested on her back and opened her arms.  Cynthia didn’t waste any time cuddling up beside her.

Well, kind of top of her, really.

She buried her nose in Ari’s neck and nearly sighed at the flowery scent there that was just so Ari.  She draped her arm around Ari’s middle and wrapped a thigh around Ari’s legs.  Ari wrapped her arm around Cynthia and gently stroked her back.

“You’re so snuggly,” Ari whispered.

“Is that bad?”

“No.  I like it.”

They lay in silence as Ari continued to rub her back, and Cynthia decided that she liked it, too.  Ari felt different than what Cynthia was used to.  Where Lena was bigger and rounder and felt more like a body pillow, Ari was tiny but so soft and comforting.  And she smelled heavenly.  Cynthia nuzzled her nose against Ari’s neck again and moved as closely as she possibly could.  Sleep wasn’t something that came easily to her, so she was pleasantly surprised when her eyelids started to droop.  Ari’s hand slid up from Cynthia’s back to her head, where she very gingerly scraped her nails over Cynthia’s scalp.

Cynthia was helpless to stop the moan that escaped.

“Does that feel good?” Ari whispered.

“So good,” she said, halfway to dreamland already.

“I’m glad.  And I’m glad you’re letting me take care of you.”

Cynthia smiled against her neck, and within minutes, she was knocked out.

It was the best sleep she’d gotten in weeks.

The sleepovers didn’t become a routine thing after that night, but they weren’t infrequent, either.  They didn’t have a set schedule like every Friday or every other week; it was more of a feeling kind of thing.  Whenever Ari sensed that Cynthia needed her or wanted her company, she asked to stay over.  Whenever Cynthia got the same feeling from Ari, she did the same.

Most nights went a lot like that first one: they’d eat, maybe watch something, and then spend the night wrapped up in each other’s arms. One night some time after that first sleepover, though, things did not go according to the usual scheme because Ari, already prone to joking and silliness, had brought over a bottle of wine and downed two glasses while Cynthia stuck to water.  Drunk Ariana was even more hilarious than the sober version. Instead of resting in the bed, peacefully and quietly, she kept cracking jokes and doing impersonations and making Cynthia laugh so hard that her stomach hurt.

“Ari! Please,” Cynthia said, nearly wheezing from the laughing.  “We’re meant to be sleeping!”

“Ari, please,” Ari said, dropping her voice an octave and mimicking Cynthia’s voice to perfection.  “We’re meant to be sleeping, daahling.”

“How do you do that?”  Ari just shrugged and giggled.  “Okay, seriously, we have to go to sleep or we’ll be completely useless tomorrow.”

“So let’s be useless,” Ari said, and then she sprang up, nearly knocking Cynthia over.  “Let’s play hooky and go get more tattoos!”  She gasped dramatically.  “Or better yet!  Let’s elope!”

A bubble of laughter burst from Cynthia and she gently pulled Ari back down, so she could lie on her again.

“Okay, so no more wine for you.  Ever.”

“You don’t want to elope with me?”

Cynthia bit back a groan because she had no idea how she was going to wind Ari down, and they really did need to sleep.  She figured the best thing to do was simply agree with anything she said and hope Ari would forget about it later.

“Of course, love, just not tonight,” she said, squeezing Ari’s middle in a reminder that it was bedtime, not talking-about-crazy-plans time.

“Hmm,” Ari said dreamily.  She wrapped her arms around Cynthia and rested her cheek on Cynthia’s head.  “What would you wear at our wedding?”

“Ariii,” Cynthia groaned.  “Please, doll, it’s late, and I’m tired.”

She could feel Ari’s pout even though she couldn’t see it.

“Okay, just answer three questions and I promise to shut up.”

“One,” Cynthia countered.

“Three,” Ari said again.

“That’s not how compromise works, love.  Two.  Final offer.”

“Fine,” Ari said with a sigh.

Then, she was quiet.  So that Cynthia thought (hoped?) that she had finally talked herself to sleep.  In fact, Cynthia nuzzled in closer, fully prepared and excited for the prospect of sleep, when Ari spoke again.

“So, what would you wear at our wedding?”

“Oh my God,” Cynthia groaned.  She was too tired for this fantasy land conversation.  “A dramatic black dress.  And I’d paint my entire body green and we could jump over my Elphaba broom to make it official.”

Ari laughed, and the sound of it brought an involuntary smile to Cynthia’s face.

“Glinda and Elphie should get married,” Ari said.

“Yes, that would be nice.”

Ari’s hand started to run up and down Cynthia’s back, and she got quiet again.  Cynthia again hoped that she had worn herself out.

“Okay, last question,” she said.

“Mmhm.”

“And you can’t get mad.”

“I’ll only get mad if you keep asking questions and refuse to let me sleep.”

“How do you fuck girls with those long nails?”

Whatever Cynthia had thought the question would be, it was most certainly not that.  A completely inelegant snort left her lips, which prompted a laugh from Ari.  Cynthia sat up so she could look at her.  The room was mostly dark, not completely thanks to a plug-in nightlight, and she could make out the simultaneously bashful and devious expression on Ari’s face.

Cynthia had to bite back a laugh.  It was too late for this nonsense and they should have been asleep, but there was a certain thrill in talking about sex with Ari.  As close as they were and as much as they talked, they had never really said more than cursory things about their sex lives.  For some reason that Cynthia had never dug that deeply into, she didn’t want to know what kind of sex Ari was having with people.  It made her feel…uncomfortable.  Which was odd because even though Cynthia was private, she was far from a prude.  She talked about sex with her close friends and she was open about it with her partners.  But not Ari.  At least, not until Ari’s drunken interrogation.

“Is that really your question?”

“Well, I think I should know before we get married.”

“How do you do that?” Cynthia asked for the second time.  “How do you manage to look so innocent while asking such a not-innocent question?”

Ari blinked in that “who me?” kind of way that she had perfected.  “It’s a gift.”

“Oh my God,” Cynthia groaned.  And threw in an eyeroll for good measure.

“So?  How do you?” Ari persisted.

“I don’t,” Cynthia said dryly.

Ari gasped in the most dramatic way possible and even brought a hand to her heart.

“You…don’t…have sex???”

“Of course I have sex.  I just don’t use my fingers.”

Ari blinked and turned her head slightly, looking like a confused owl.

“Not everyone enjoys penetration, love,” she added.

Ari blinked again, and then the understanding seemed to click into place, and her eyes widened and she said, “ooooh.”

Cynthia couldn’t stop the fondness she felt or the smile that came across her lips, even as she tried to appear irritated and put-out.

“Besides,” she added, “I have a perfectly serviceable mouth.”

Ari’s eyes got so big that they looked like they might fall out of her skull.  Cynthia laughed, the delight of being a little naughty just too good to pass up.

“Wow,” Ari said.  “Thank you for that.  Now I’ll never be able to get to sleep because all I’m going to be thinking about for the rest of the night is about what that mouth do.”

Cynthia’s head snapped back in such loud laughter than it startled the dogs.  She covered her mouth to muffle the sound, but some stray giggles still got out.  She felt Ari’s hand on her arm.

“I love making you laugh,” Ari said softly.

“And you do a very good job of it.”

When she got the last of her laughter out, Cynthia noticed that Ari was looking at her in a slightly different way than she had been earlier.  Gone was the goofiness and giggly-ness.  And it its place was another expression that Cynthia had seen on Ari’s face mostly when she thought Cynthia wasn’t looking.  Not serious, necessarily.  Not quite predatory.

Hungry.

“You do have gorgeous lips,” Ari said, her voice lower than before.

Something about her speaking voice in that lower register always did something to Cynthia.  A little shiver went up her spine, which she hoped was not obvious in the darkened room.

“Thank you,” she said.

“I’m having very inappropriate thoughts about what your lips must feel like.”

Cynthia was seriously grateful that it was too dark to see the fierce blush that overtook her cheeks. 

She knew it was time to abort this mission.  She and Ari flirted.  A lot, actually.  But the flirting was always in the safe confines of the set or around other people: places they would never go too far.  Being in bed together was quite a different story, and Cynthia wasn’t totally sure that she trusted Ari to behave.

More distressingly, she wasn’t sure she trusted herself.

“You know what my lips feel like,” she said softly.  “I’ve kissed your cheek a million times.”

“But cheek kisses are always so rushed,” Ari said.

And then she pouted.

Pouted!

It was so infuriating how cute she looked with her bottom lip poked out.  No grown woman should look so fucking adorable while being a brat.

“You think you can pout and bat your pretty little eyes at me and you’ll get your way?” Cynthia asked.

Ari didn’t have to answer.  They both knew she could.

“Please?” Ari asked, and it was unfair how such a seemingly innocent request could make Cynthia’s body overheat.

She knew what Ari wanted and she knew that she wanted it, too.  Still, Ari was intoxicated and there were many complicating factors.  Cynthia’s good sense and reason couldn’t be drowned out completely.

So, she made a mental compromise. 

“Give me your hand,” she said in a voice just above a whisper.

Ari brought a hand up and Cynthia interlocked their fingers.  She brought the back of Ari’s hand to her lips and a pressed a long kiss to the soft skin there.  Their eyes locked, and Cynthia was 99% sure that the heavy-lidded gaze Ari was giving her was reflected in her own eyes, too.  With their eyes still on each other, Cynthia turned Ari’s hand over, brushed her lips against Ari’s palm, and kissed her there, too.  Their eyes never left each other as Cynthia lowered her body down until she was snuggled up to Ari again, and she brushed a thumb across Ari’s left cheek.  She held her in place with her hand as she ran her nose up Ari’s right cheek and ever so slightly brushed her mouth against it.  A little sigh escaped Ari, and then Cynthia pressed her lips fully to Ari’s cheek.  She stayed like that for several seconds, so Ari could really feel her.  As she started to pull away, Ari turned her head and reached up to take Cynthia’s face and hold her exactly where she was.

Time stood still.

They were so close that Cynthia could feel the heat of Ari’s lips just barely touching hers.  The room was so quiet that she was sure Ari could hear her pounding heart.  The look in Ari’s eyes nearly made her break down.

Desire. 

Pure and simple and intoxicating.

“Ari,” she whispered.

It was supposed to be a warning, but it definitely sounded more like a moan.

“Please,” Ari whispered, leaning up just a centimeter to brush her lips against Cynthia’s.

Cynthia had to close her eyes.  If she looked at Ari for one more second, she was going to lose it.  She was always so good at keeping her composure.  She did her best to be calm and practical and rational.  She tried not to make important decisions when her emotions were heightened.

But Ari really, really made her want to throw all her rules out the window and just follow what her heart and body were screaming at her to do. 

Another brush of Ari’s lips against hers brought her out of her head and back into the present.  She opened her eyes and damn near groaned at how Ari was looking at her. 

“God, you can’t look at me like that,” she whispered.

“Like what?”

“Like you want to eat me alive.”

“I do, though.  Real bad.”

“Ari,” Cynthia groaned.

She pressed her forehead to Ari’s.

“I don’t want our first kiss to happen while you’re drunk,” she admitted.  “Ask me when you’re sober, and I promise I’ll kiss you.”  Silence hung over them for a moment as Cynthia replayed what she said.  She didn’t want it to sound like she was doing Ari a favor, so she added, “I want to kiss you, too.”

Ari released a long breath and said, “okay.”

Then, she kissed Cynthia’s cheek.  Then her forehead.  Then her nose and chin and everywhere she could get that wasn’t her mouth.  She pulled Cynthia into their snuggle position again, and they held each other a little tighter than usual.  It didn’t take long for Ari to slip into the slow, restful breathing of sleep.

Cynthia wasn’t so lucky.  She couldn’t sleep with everything that was happening inside her body.  Her heart pounded.  Her mind raced.  And she was slick with arousal.

They had been walking the line of intimate, flirty friends for months.  Even though they hadn’t kissed, something shifted in their relationship that night.  She didn’t know if the shift would end up being good or bad.  But something about it felt inevitable.

And she had no idea if she was ready for it.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which there is an inconvenient truth

Ari woke up before Cynthia’s usual hellishly-early alarm and she wasn’t able to go back to sleep.  Had she been alone in her own bed, she would have switched positions and tossed and turned until she was sleepy again. 

She was unable to do that, though, thanks to Cynthia’s vice grip on her body. 

They had fallen asleep in their usual positions: Ari on her back and Cynthia’s arm and thigh thrown over her like a human blanket.  At some point during the night, they had shifted so that they were each on their sides, facing each other, with every limb tangled together. 

Ari managed to detach her arm and leaned behind her just enough to feel for her phone on the nightstand.  She fumbled around in the dark as she tried to grab it, only to knock it off the small table and cause a dull thud as it hit the ground.

“Shit,” she whispered and stilled, hoping not to wake Cynthia.  When there was no movement, she felt around again until she found the switch for the small lamp.  As the soft light came on, she winced, suddenly remembering the wine she’d had before bed, and her eyes burned a little as they adjusted to the light in the room.  She mumbled another “shit” when she saw her far her phone was from the bed.  Getting it would require her to get up.

She turned around to figure out how she could disentangle herself from Cynthia, but she stopped in her tracks when she actually took in the scene before her. 

The lamp provided a gentle glow about the room.  All four of their beloved dogs were tucked away neatly in some empty spot on the bed.  And Cynthia, that powerhouse of a woman who commanded every room she walked into, was curled up on Ari like a kitten.  A warm feeling spread from Ari’s head to her toes.  The same warmth she had been feeling a lot lately, every time Cynthia was anywhere near her, much less snuggled up to her.

Ari briefly thought about abandoning the phone, but as she watched Cynthia’s chest go up and down, it occurred her to that there were probably very few people that got to see Cynthia the way Ari was getting to see her.  Vulnerable.  Cuddly.  And all hers, even if just for a little while.  Ari didn’t know how many more times this kind of thing would happen (especially after she had drunkenly demanded a kiss.  Jesus), and she wanted to capture the moment. 

She moved extremely slowly, trying to extract herself, but every time she moved any discernible amount, Cynthia whimpered and hugged her tighter.  Ari figured she could just rip off the band-aid and get up, but the last thing she wanted to do was wake Cynthia.  So she reached for Cynthia’s phone instead, which was still on the nightstand.  Once she had it in her hand, she swiped over to get to the camera function.  She turned it to selfie mode and snuggled back up to Cynthia, as close as they had been before she woke up.  She made sure the flash was off and then took two pictures: one with her eyes open and a soft smile on her face, and one with her eyes closed to match Cynthia’s sleeping form.

She stared at the pictures for a long time after she took them.  The Cynthia-induced warmth and butterflies intensified and for some reason she couldn’t identify at whatever unholy hour it was, her eyes welled with tears.

She sent the pictures to herself and then put the phone back down and turned off the lamp.  She wrapped both arms around Cynthia again and hugged her so tightly, like if she kept her close enough, she could never get away. 

Ari didn’t remember falling asleep, but when she woke up again, the lamp was back on.  She blinked the light out of her eyes and found Cynthia sitting on the side of the bed, close enough to feel her warmth but not so close that they were touching.  Her back was to Ari, and she was concentrating on something in her hand.  She was in workout clothes, and judging from the sweat on her top, she had already done her workout for the morning.  That meant it was time for Ari to get up, too.

The only thing she wanted at that moment was stay in that big, comfy bed.  Preferably with Cynthia still glued to her.

“Good morning,” Cynthia said, looking over her shoulder at Ari to toss her a smile.  “You usually wake up a little when I get up to work out.  You didn’t even move this morning.”

“I woke up in the middle of the night,” Ari said, burying herself even further under the comforter.  “I guess I slept kind of hard after that.”

“Mm,” Cynthia said.  She held up the phone and Ari saw the pictures she had taken.  “Is that when you took these?”

Ari’s cheeks burned and she bit her lip.  “Yes?”

Cynthia snorted.  “You aren’t sure?”

“Are you mad?”

“No, love.”  She looked at the pictures with the same fondness that she usually bestowed upon Ari.  “I’m not mad.  They’re…”  She paused for a while, obviously searching for the right word.  “They’re sweet and sentimental,” she finally said in a quiet voice.  She looked at Ari again.  “Like you.”

Ari snaked her hand out from underneath the comforter and offered it to Cynthia, who immediately took it in her hand.  Their fingers caressed each other for a moment.

“Are we okay?” Ari asked softly.  “After, you know.”

“After you tried to seduce me?”

Ari’s eyes widened.  “Don’t say it like that!”

Cynthia laughed and gave her hand a squeeze.  “Well, what would you call it?”

“Gentle persuasion.”

Cynthia tossed her head back and laughed, and Ari ducked her face underneath the covers so she could smile.  The head-tossed-back laugh was her favorite, and the butterflies in her stomach were fluttering like crazy.

“That was gentle persuasion?  I would hate to see you at full tilt, then.”

“Would you?”

As soon as it was out of her mouth, the mood shifted from a lighthearted tease to something heavier.  Cynthia’s eyes locked on hers and a current passed between them.  Cynthia was the first to look away, and her eyes landed on their joined hands.

“We’re okay,” she said, completely not answering the last question.  “We’re always okay, no matter what.”

Ari squeezed her hand in response, and Cynthia smiled at her.

“I’m going to take my shower and we need to head out soon,” she said.  “Can I trust you to get up and get ready while I’m gone?”

Ari nodded, even though she was seriously contemplating never moving from her spot.

Cynthia winked at her and said, “good girl.”

And, oh, Ari did not expect the zing that went through her body as Cynthia walked away.  Guys had called her a “good girl” before and it had always rubbed her the wrong way.  It was patronizing and creepy, especially when she was younger.  But Cynthia saying it was…well…not irritating.  Not in the slightest.  Ari’s eyes may or may not have fallen to Cynthia’s butt in those skin-tight workout pants, and that’s when she decided that she definitely needed to get out of the bed and do something with her overheated body.

She took the dogs for a short walk like she always did when she spent the night.  She took her own quick shower in the guest bathroom and by the time she was ready to go, so was Cynthia.  They rode in one car, Ari’s head on Cynthia’s shoulder the whole time, and they only separated when it was time for Cynthia to undergo her Elphaba color transformation.  They stopped at the door of Cynthia’s trailer and Ari held her arms out for a hug.  They embraced and Ari clung to her like they hadn’t just been together all night.

“I’ll see you in a little bit,” Cynthia said against her ear.

Ari could barely bring herself to let go, and when they pulled apart, her eyes went straight down to Cynthia’s lips.  And it was only in that moment that she remembered what Cynthia had told her the night before.

Ask me when you’re sober, and I promise I’ll kiss you.

“Ah, fuck,” she said out loud.

Cynthia’s eyes grew wide with concern.

“What’s happened?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Ari said, wishing she could shut up for once.  “Just remembering all the things I said last night.”

Cynthia smirked.  “You were quite entertaining.”  She leaned down and kissed Ari’s cheek, lingering longer than usual.  “Let’s talk later, all right?”

Ari nodded and wished her luck, and once they actually separated, Ari spun around on her heels and said again, “Ah, fuck.”

She kept saying it for the rest of the day, sometimes in her head but many times out loud.  Between that and Cynthia’s promise that she would kiss her if Ari asked, Ari’s head was a certified mess.  There were a lot of thoughts and feelings jostling for her attention, but there was one that stood out the most.

She liked Cynthia.

Really, really liked her.

She liked her voice.  She liked her face.  She liked her body, and her confidence, and her protectiveness.  She liked that Cynthia didn’t kiss her, even though they both wanted to, because Cynthia didn’t want to take advantage of her.  Ari needed more than both hands and both feet to count the number of people she’d trusted who had taken advantage of her in the past.  She was fairly sure that many of the lovers she’d had, men and women alike, wouldn’t have hesitated to kiss her and do a lot more than that, without regard for whether she was in the right frame of mind to consent.

But not Cynthia.

Cynthia protected her.  Cynthia respected her.  Cynthia made her feel safe.

And Cynthia wanted to kiss her back!

Ari’s mind went into overdrive.

Was this just a sex thing? Did she and Cynthia actually have a chance to be together?  Like, for real?  Ari would have to go through with her divorce, not just talk about it.  Cynthia would have to leave Lena.  They would have to come out together.  Ari didn’t really believe in “coming out,” but Cynthia was so out and proud and she couldn’t imagine she would tolerate Ari not being the same way. And what would everyone think of that?  Ari had dropped numerous, outlandish hints that she was not straight and people still didn’t seem to get it.  Even though she had only publicly dated men, she openly and notoriously flirted with and kissed women.  She’d said she liked boys and girls on a song, for Christ’s sake.  Oh, God, and what would her manager think?  The same manager that had begged her to stop with the “gay shenanigans” because that was the type of stuff that “ruined careers.”

Absolutely none of it had happened and yet there were so many things to consider.

And Ari realized that she was willing to go through all of it if it meant she could see how things played out with Cynthia.

The butterflies floated up from her stomach and damn near got lodged in her throat.

“Oh, fuck!” she said with more enthusiasm, definitely out loud that time.

“Is there a reason you’re dropping expletives like you’re getting paid for it?” Johnny asked, as he saddled up beside her.  “Is there a ‘Galinda curses like a sailor’ scene that I’m unaware of?”

Ari spun and looked at Johnny, immediately sizing up that (1) she needed a friend to talk to, and (2) she needed a queer friend to talk to. 

He was perfect.

She grabbed him by the arm of his ridiculous Fiyero jacket and dragged him away from the scene they were shooting.

“Well if you wanted me this much, you could have just told me,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows.

Ari dragged him along until they were out of earshot of most people.

“How did you know you were ready to come out?” she asked, in one big gush of breath.

His eyebrows shot up in surprise, and it took him a moment to formulate a response.

“Well…” he started, “I just didn’t want to live a lie, you know?  I wanted to be able to show up to events with my boyfriend or husband.  I don’t want to hide who I am.  It was the right thing for me to do, but there are plenty of people who never come out because it isn’t right for them.”

Ari nodded, trying to take that advice in amongst the other thoughts that were threatening to explode her brain.

“What if I have feelings for a girl?” she asked.

He hedged a little.  “Do you have feelings for a girl?”

Ari nodded, feeling some measure of relief at even admitting that much.  He nodded as well, again taking a moment to think.

“I can’t say what it would be like for you,” he told her.  “You’re a superstar.  The standard is different for you.  And it’s different for men and women.”  He paused before adding, “and it’s different when your partner is Black, too.”

Ari’s head shot up.  “Who said I’m talking about someone Black?”

Johnny rolled his eyes in the most dramatic way.  “You do realize my head isn’t actually made of straw, right?”

Great, another thought for her over-burdened brain.  Did everyone know something was going on between her and Cynthia?

“Listen, this seems like a conversation that requires more time.  And more privacy,” Johnny said.  “Why don’t we talk tonight?  Assuming you can separate yourself from your wife long enough.”  Ari gave him another wide-eyed look.  “The makeup artists talk, love.  You can only show up at the exact same time in the same car before people start putting the pieces together,” he said, with a wave of his hand.

“Oh my God,” she said, her head starting to pound.

“Don’t beat yourself up,” he said, as he escorted her back to the set.  “If my inclinations were toward the fairer sex, I’d be in love with her, too.”

The minute the words left his mouth, it was like a record scratched inside Ari’s head.  She stopped walking, nearly yanking his arm off to keep him in place.  She looked around to make sure nobody was paying attention to him, and she whispered, “you think I’m in love with her?”

Johnny narrowed his eyes at her like she had grown another head.

“Um…yes?”

“Why would you think that?” she hissed, her heart suddenly pounding as loudly as her head.

He looked around like maybe he thought there were hidden cameras and he was being punked.  “Because I have eyeballs?”

Someone called Johnny’s hand and he gave her a pat on the arm.  “Let’s talk later.”

He left Ariana there, along with her thoughts, and her racing heart.  She wasn’t in love with Cynthia, was she?  Surely, she would know that. 

Right?

She took a minute to catalogue her feelings about Cynthia.  Whenever she thought of her or was around her, Ari felt nerves.  And excitement.  And joy.  She craved the comfort of their closeness.  She wanted to please Cynthia and make her proud.  She constantly strove to make her laugh or smile.  They talked constantly and it was still wasn’t enough.  Every time Cynthia was out of her eyesight, Ari looked for her and found a way to be near her.

As realization dawned, Ari found a bench and slowly lowered herself on it. 

She’d been infatuated before.  She’d been in lust.  And in like.  She had been in love exactly once before.

And this felt a lot like that.

Pure, unadulterated fear prickled through her body. 

The only other time she had truly been in love, he had died.  The loss of that love had left such a mark on her heart that sometimes it felt like she would never get over it.  No amount of therapy or flings could fill that void, and Ari had silently sworn to herself that she wouldn’t let herself fall in love again.  Shutting herself down to that possibility was the only way to keep from getting her heart crushed a second time.

She wasn’t sure she could survive a second time.

It’s why she favored short, intense relationships with people she knew she would never stay with.  She got companionship and fun and sex out of the deal, but she kept her heart out of it.

And then Cynthia had come along.

No sooner had she thought it did the object of her affection spot her and come bounding over, a big smile on her painted green face.  The smile lessened as she got closer, and when she sat down next to Ari, she took Ari’s hands and asked, “what’s wrong, love?  You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Ari had not been blessed with an abundance of self-control, and it took every ounce of it not to just blurt out, “I think I’m in love with you!”  Instead, she forced a smile and said, “Just tired, I think.”

“Hmm.”

Cynthia pressed the back of her head to Ari’s forehead, then her cheek, then her neck.  Every place Cynthia touched burned in her wake, and Ari closed her eyes.

“Do you need me to take care of you?” Cynthia asked.  “You can be the little spoon this time.”

There was a hint of teasing her voice and when Ari opened her eyes again and was met with the sight of Cynthia’s smile and concerned eyes, she knew for sure.

She was definitely in love.

Fuuuuuck.

“That sounds perfect,” she said.

It actually kind of sounded like hell, because she didn’t know how she was going to control herself. 

Ari spent the rest of the day aggressively not thinking about the past, Cynthia, or love at all.  She threw herself into Galinda.  She played Monopoly on her iPad.  She did impressions and made people laugh and generally used every distraction she knew to keep her mind out of the place it kept trying to go.

That night in bed, Cynthia lay on her back while Ari rested on top of her.  Cynthia slowly dragged her nails through Ari’s hair and scalp, and as relaxing as it was, it didn’t stop the spiraling thoughts in Ari’s head.  Ari pressed her face into Cynthia’s neck and breathed her in, doing her best to focus on the soft clean skin there and nothing else. 

“You’ve been very quiet tonight,” Cynthia noted.

Her voice was so calming and kind.  She felt and sounded like home.

Everything that Ari had been beating back all day started to come up again.  She had to press her eyes closed to keep the tears from falling, but a few escaped and Cynthia must have felt it because she scooted away and looked down.

“Ari,” she said gently.  She wiped away Ari’s tears.  “Hey, look at me.”

Ari opened her eyes, causing more tears to fall, and Cynthia held her face.

“What’s going on?”

Ari opened her mouth to explain, but then closed it when she felt the telltale signs of a panic attack.  Her breathing became ragged and Cynthia jumped into caretaker mode.  She walked her through deep breathing, just like she had done on other occasions.  She spoke to her softly and reminded her that she was okay and safe and cared for.  When Ari calmed down but still couldn’t bring herself to speak, Cynthia turned the light off and hugged her closely.

“It’s okay,” she shushed, when Ari finally gave in and began to sob.  “It’s okay.  We don’t have to talk.  I’m here for you.”

She hushed Ari and rubbed her back and hugged her until Ari calmed down.  Ari felt exhausted by the time it was all over, and she didn’t want to do anything but sleep.

She couldn’t, though.

She had no idea how long she rested there, eyes wide open in the darkened room, feeling Cynthia’s chest slowly rise and fall.

“Cyn?” she whispered.

No response.

Ari thought they should talk, but then it occurred to her that Cynthia being asleep might actually make it easier to say what she needed to say.

“Cyn?” she tried again.  When Cynthia didn’t move or answer, Ari started talking.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.  “I’m sorry I freaked out on you. I realized something today, and it’s scaring the shit out of me.”  No response.  “The way I feel about you…it’s stronger than I thought.  I didn’t expect to feel this way again.  About anybody.” She took a long pause.  “I’m worried you don’t feel the same.  I’m worried that if I go there, I’ll get my heart broken.  And if that happened, I’m not sure if I could put it back together again.”

She sighed, feeling some relief now that she had gotten all that off her chest.  The room was completely silent for several moments, and she nuzzled in closer to Cynthia, finally releasing some of the tension she had been carrying all day.  She nearly yelped when Cynthia responded.

“I do feel the same way,” she whispered.

Ari’s heart lurched in a confusing combination of happiness that the feelings were reciprocated, and total distress that the feelings were reciprocated.

“So, what do we do?” she whispered back.

Cynthia ran a hand through Ari’s hair, gently scratching her scalp in a way that made Ari sigh. 

“We keep loving each other and taking care of each other.  We don’t have to put a label on it.”

Ari didn’t quite know what that meant, but she didn’t ask for clarification because the only thing that scared her more than Cynthia getting too close was Cynthia getting too far away. 

“Do we have to stop doing this?” she asked as she squeezed Cynthia’s middle, almost afraid of the answer.

“Do you want to stop?”

Despite all her fears, the answer to that was easy.

“No,” she whispered.

“I don’t, either.”

Cynthia kissed her forehead, and Ari finally felt like she could sleep.

For the moment, that was enough.

And even though she was sober and really wanted to, Ari didn’t ask for her kiss.

Yet.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which Drunkiana makes another appearance

After the conversation about feelings, things proceeded pretty normally for them.

Well, mostly normally.

Ari had started “hanging out” with Ethan, for reasons that Cynthia could not understand.  He was married, with a newborn, and that was a mess.  He was also completely average, in both looks and talent, and from what Cynthia could see, he had little to no personality.  But Ari seemed to enjoy his company, and it wasn’t Cynthia’s place to judge.

Besides, whether Ari was “with” him or not, she and Cynthia did all the same things they always did.  They spent almost all their free time together, on and off set.  They also still had sleepovers and their bond grew on a daily basis, so Cynthia kept her opinions about Ethan to herself.

They had a few days off in June, and she and Ari went to a concert together, got more tattoos and spent lazy days at each other’s apartments.  When Ari’s big 30^th birthday rolled around, Cynthia gifted her an outfit that had been sitting in her cart for a while, as well as a deck of tarot cards.  Ari loved tarot cards and had taken to doing readings for everyone on set.  Cynthia found an especially artsy and beautiful deck for her, and Ari had squealed as soon as she opened it.

That giddy squeal of delight was one of Cynthia’s favorite sounds.

There was a party atmosphere on set all of Ari’s birthday.  “The baby turns 30!” Jeff kept singing everywhere he went.  Although the day was a long one, it was fun, and Jon had gifted them all with a day off the next day.  The plan was made to meet up at a bar later to celebrate even more, and Cynthia was still in the makeup chair getting the green removed while everyone else had already made it to the bar when her phone buzzed with a text from Ari.

Hurry up!  I want to dance with you!!!

Cynthia smiled and felt a little flutter in her chest.

Be there soon, she texted back.

It was still another hour before she was out of the paint and into some regular clothes.  And by the time she got there, the party was in full swing.  The bar was dark, lit up solely by neon lights of all colors.  The space was probably bigger than it looked, but it seemed like everyone from the cast and crew had shown up so there was not much space to move.  A DJ spun the thumping bass of a mixture of hip hop and pop #1s, and Cynthia stopped to smile and chat with a few people while scanning the crowd for the birthday girl.

She found her, standing in front of the bar, with a line of shots in front of her.  Cynthia noticed that Ari was in her full Ariana Grande glory, with the high, tight, swinging ponytail that had become her signature look.  Her makeup was dramatic, way more dramatic that she wore it as Glinda, and she was laughing and talking, flanked by Johnny on one side and Ethan on the other.

A prickle of dislike twisted in Cynthia’s stomach at seeing Ethan’s hand on Ari’s lower back.  But she forced a smile and approached them.  She squeezed through the crowd, hoping to get to Ari before Ari noticed her.  But Ari seemed to be scanning the crowd for her, too, and when her gaze landed on Cynthia, her eyes lit up and she grinned and waved Cynthia over like a mad woman.

“Over here, babe!” she screamed over the music.

Cynthia finally made it to them and Ari abandoned her bodyguards and jumped into Cynthia’s arms, wrapped around her like a koala.

“I’m so happy you’re here!” she said.  “What took you so long?”

“Long makeup day,” Cynthia said, trying to compete with all the noise.

“I missed you,” Ari said with a little pout.

Cynthia snorted.  “You just saw me a couple of hours ago.”

“Too long!” Ari said, as she dropped her hand to Cynthia’s and dragged her to the bar.

“Glad you made it, love,” Johnny said to Cynthia, leaning down to kiss her cheek.

She kissed him back and gave a wave to Ethan that could be described as halfhearted at best.  He returned it with even less vigor, and Cynthia’s gut told her that wasn’t too crazy about her, either.

“Sooo, I was saving my shots until you got here!” Ari said, spreading her arms so Cynthia could see the bounty of booze.

“You know I don’t drink.”

“I know, but I didn’t want to officially commemorate turning 30 without you here with me.”

Ari smiled at her, unleashing that dimple, and Cynthia felt a flood of fondness in the center of her heart.

“Okay, people, who’s taking a shot?” Johnny screamed.

Cynthia stood back a little while the shots were distributed.  Ari lifted her glass with everyone else and someone called for her to make a toast.  The call was echoed by others until there was a loud chorus of “Toast! Toast! Toast!”  The bar got marginally quieter and the DJ paused his music while everyone looked at Ari.

“Hmm,” she said.  She held up her glass and said, “to everyone here, for making this the best experience of my entire thirty years of life.  May we all get what our hearts desire.”

Ari held up the glass again to indicate she was done, and the crowd of people cheer and laughed and the music began again.  Ari clinked glasses with Johnny, Ethan, and everyone else who was joining in on the toast, and right before she took her chug, Ari looked at Cynthia and winked.

Cynthia was sure she had blushed more in the past month than she had ever previously blushed in her life.

She watched, somewhat transfixed, as Ari downed her shot.  Cynthia’s eyes began at Ari’s lips, painted a Galinda-like shade of pink and daintily wrapped around the bottom lip of the glass.  Her gaze went down to Ari’s throat, long and graceful, as she swallowed.  An image flashed in her mind of her lips on Ari’s neck, with Ari’s head thrown back just as it was at that moment.  Cynthia wondered what kinds of pretty sounds would come out of that pretty throat when Ari was in the throes of passion.

“Whoo!” Ari screamed, as she finished her shot and stood upright again, snapping Cynthia out of her wildly inappropriate thoughts.  “That burns!”

“You know what helps with that?” Johnny asked, his eyes wild like he might have already had a few himself.  “Another one!”

He waved his hand at the bartender and pointed to the empty glasses.

“Refill us, my good man!”

Cynthia very nearly put her hand over Ari’s glass, but instead leaned close to her and asked, “how many have you had already?”

“That was my first one, babe!  Promise!” Ari said.

Cynthia gave her a good once-over and decided she believed her.

“You’re tiny.  You can’t throw back shots all night with grown men.”

“Awww,” Ari said, her eyes already a touch glassy.  She slid up close to Cynthia and wrapped her arms around Cynthia’s waist.  The fronts of their bodies touched and Ari swayed them a little.  “Is my Elphie getting all protective of me?”

“You’re little,” Cynthia reminded her.

Ari laughed and said, “I know, baby, I won’t overdo it, I promise.”  Something about her calling her “baby,” not just “babe,” sent a surge through Cynthia’s body.  Ari leaned in close to her and brushed her lips against Cynthia’s ear, and Cynthia had to consciously make the decision not to shiver.  “But I guess if I disobey, you’ll have to punish me, won’t you?”

Oh, God.

It was going to be that kind of night.

Cynthia didn’t know if she was terrified, or deeply, deeply aroused.

Both, she decided.  It was definitely both.

Ari pulled away and smiled that smile that was both innocent and devious.  She winked, again, and kept one hand interlaced with Cynthia’s while she picked up her newly-refilled shot glass in the other.

“Oh, wait, wait, wait!” Ari said, right before she, Johnny, and Ethan (who Cynthia had forgotten was even there) took their second shots.  “Can I get a lime and some salt, please?”

The bartender brought her a salt shaker and a tiny bowl with a lime in it and Ari gleefully took the lime.  She squeezed Cynthia’s hand, and Cynthia knew some bullshit was afoot.

“Open your mouth?” Ari asked.

Cynthia did open her mouth, out of shock.

“You are not going to suck that lime from my mouth,” she said.

“I think I am.”

“No!”

Ari pouted, and a twinge went through Cynthia’s body.  The fucking pout.  It was ridiculous.  It wasn’t something a 30-year-old should be able to pull off.  Yet, she did.

“Please?” she asked, batting her eyes at Cynthia.

Cynthia was about to say “no” again, when Ethan said, “I’ll do it.”

And that changed her mind real quick.

“Fine,” she said.

Ari squealed and then brought the lime up and said, “open up for me, baby.”

Cynthia had not had a single drop of alcohol, yet she was starting to feel drunk right along with them.  She gave Ari a look that she hoped said “you’re so ridiculous,” but she did was she was told and opened her mouth.  Ari grinned and placed the lime in Cynthia’s mouth, brushing her fingers over Cynthia’s lips several times as she got it “just right.”  When she was satisfied, Ari cocked her head to the side and bit her cheek to stifle a grin. 

She kept her eyes locked on Cynthia’s as she brought her own hand up to her mouth and very slowly, excruciatingly slowly, licked the skin of her hand between her thumb and index finger.  Heat overtook every cell of Cynthia’s body.  Ari looked away only to pour the salt on her hand and grab her shot glass.

“I’m ready, boys,” she said, without even looking at the men.

Johnny counted them off and on the count of three, Ari licked the salt off her own hand and downed her shot.  Cynthia’s heart thudded loudly as she watched the display, and it nearly burst out of her chest when Ari wrapped a hand around Cynthia’s head and pulled her down so their faces were nearly touching.  Ari leaned in, brushing her lips against Cynthia’s, as she deftly bit the lime and pulled it out of Cynthia’s mouth.  She never broke eye contact as she pushed the lime between her own teeth and bit down, causing some of the lime juice to go into her mouth and some to drizzle down her chin.

Cynthia was as still as a statue, completely engrossed in the very unsubtle show Ari was putting on.

“Mm,” Ari moaned, as she pulled the lime out of her mouth.  She used her index finger to gather the juice on her chin and then she raised her finger in the space between her and Cynthia.  For one heart-stopping moment, Cynthia thought she was going to put the finger in Cynthia’s mouth.  Ari grinned, like she knew that’s what she was thinking, and then she veered off and sucked her own finger.

Raunchily. 

It was probably worse than if she had just stuck it in Cynthia’s mouth.

“You wanna dance?” Ethan asked, inserting his goofy face right next to Ari’s.

Ari was still looking at Cynthia when she said, “sure.”

She held out her hand and allowed Ethan to sweep her away, and Cynthia’s eyes followed them the whole way.  Disgust wrapped around her like vines around a tree.  Ethan got behind Ari, barely giving her any space to move, and he bobbed up and down with the rhythm of a newborn giraffe. 

“Maybe,” Johnny said, sliding into Cynthia’s personal space.  He smelled like tequila and cologne.  “If you stare long enough, you can burn his dick off.”

Cynthia spun around to look at him and she was met with his drunken, sloppy smile.

“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, right,” he said, waving a hand at Ari.  “She just eye-fucked you to hell and back and now you’re not at all bothered she’s dancing with her little boy toy?”

“I’m not bothered,” Cynthia said, standing up a little straighter.  “That’s her business.”

“God,” Johnny said with a huge eye roll.  “You two are the most infuriating lesbians I’ve ever met in my life.  And I’ve met a few!”  Before Cynthia could make the argument that neither of them was, technically, a lesbian, Johnny waved at someone and walked off. 

Cynthia leaned against the bar and tried her best not to look at Ari and Ethan, but her eyes kept finding them.  Ethan was still doing some kind of weird bunny hop thing, off beat mind you, and Ari laughed like it didn’t bother her.  Cynthia sighed and started contemplating her exit.  She could go home and get a true full night’s sleep, and that sounded pretty enticing.

Then, the DJ dropped “Hot in Herre” and Ari immediately whipped her head in Cynthia’s direction.  She abandoned Ethan and ran to Cynthia.

“Oh my God, dance with me!” she called over the music.

Cynthia wasn’t even able to formulate a protest before Ari had pulled her onto the dance floor, which was currently crowded with people screaming the lyrics that they all knew.  Ari yanked Cynthia’s body to hers, pressing their fronts together for the second time that night, and wrapped her arms around Cynthia’s neck.  She stood on her tiptoes and got so close to Cynthia that their noses touched.  She smiled as she hands slid down to Cynthia’s, and she brought Cynthia’s hands to her hips.  She started to swirl her hips in a figure 8 motion, and it took everything in Cynthia to remain still.

“Dance with me,” Ari whispered against Cynthia’s lips.

“Ari,” Cynthia said, taking a moment to gather herself.  “You’re drunk.  And everyone’s watching.”

“I don’t give a fuck who’s watching,” she said.  No hesitation.  “I want to dance with you.  And it’s my birthday, so you kind of have to do what I say.”

Cynthia huffed out a laugh and gripped Ari’s hips a little.

“Is that so?” she asked.

“It is,” Ari said with a grin.  “Besides, I’ve seen you throw it back.  I know you know how to dance.”

While Cynthia was doing all the math of who was watching, what they would think, and how she would explain all this away, Ari turned around in her arms and pressed her back to Cynthia’s front.  Her hands slipped down to cover the hands still on her waist, and she leaned back so that her face was buried in Cynthia’s neck and her mouth was basically in Cynthia’s ear.  Cynthia felt the moan more than she heard it.

“You smell so good all the time,” Ari said, the breath tickling the skin of Cynthia’s ear.  “I love when we have a sleepover and I can smell you all over my pajamas the next day.”

Cynthia clenched her jaw and closed her eyes, allowing her hips to sway just a bit while also trying to keep her composure.  Just like before, she knew the best thing to do was not to encourage Ari. 

And maybe…maybe somewhere deep down that she would never admit to anyone…she liked hearing Ari unfiltered.

“Hmm,” was her only response.

Ari giggled in her ear.

“Look at you, trying to be such a good girl,” Ari said.  “I love that about you.  I can be bad because I know you’ll be good.  We’re a perfect match.”

“Hmm,” Cynthia said again, counting down the seconds until the song ended.

“We should switch positions,” Ari told her, grinding against Cynthia in a way that was not at all friendly.  “So I can feel that booty on me.”

It took every single ounce of Cynthia’s energy to only say “hmmm.”

Ari chuckled in her ear.

“Is that all you’re going to say all night?  Hmmmm?” she asked, humming directly in Cynthia’s ear and causing a little shiver.  “You know something I’ve been trying to figure out?  When we finally fuck, are you going to be on top, or am I?”

Cynthia was fairly certain her brain had liquified, and she was worried it might start spilling out of her ears.  She finally opened her eyes and let go of Ari’s hips and started to back up, but Ari caught her and pulled her right back.

“I’m not done with you,” Ari said.

“Ari, this is a bad idea.  You’re drunk and you’re saying things, and I should go home.”

Ari held Cynthia’s hands hostage and turned around, so that she facing her again.  Their eyes met and Ari stared at her for a minute.  Cynthia thought Ari was going to say something sensible.

She did not.

“Do you have any idea how much I want to fuck you?”

Cynthia held up her hands and immediately walked away.  She was only human, after all, and she was about 30 seconds away from losing her shit.  She found a relatively empty corner somewhere and parked herself there.  She could have left, but she felt the need to keep an eye on Ari…even though Ari was the reason she also felt like she might crawl out of her skin at any moment.

Cynthia alternated between scrolling Instagram, while occasionally looking up to make sure nobody had dragged Ari off into some corner or out of the bar entirely.  The girl was clearly horny, and Cynthia felt a responsibility to see to it that she didn’t get taken advantage of.

An hour passed in her hidey hole, and Cynthia had to bite back the yawns that were coming up every few minutes.  It had a been a long day for them and her body was used to winding down by a certain time.  She actually had started to doze, when she heard commotion approaching her.  She looked up and saw Ari and Ethan barreling towards her, both with looks of distress on their faces.

“I want to go home,” Ari whined.

“I’m trying to take her home, but she won’t listen!” Ethan said, his wild red hair bouncing as he gestured to Ari.

“What’s happened?” Cynthia asked as she tried to get her bearings.

“She said she wants to go home and I offered to take her, but she’s saying she doesn’t want to go with me,” Ethan said, his face red with irritation.

“I want to go hooome,” Ari whined again, and she added a foot stomp for good measure.

“Okay, Ari, if he says he’s taking you home, what’s the problem?” Cynthia asked.

“I want to go home with you,” Ari said, giving Cynthia her pleading brown eyes.

The mama bear in Cynthia woke up, and she stood up and took Ari’s hand.

“I’ll take her home,” she told Ethan.

“But…”

“She’s out of it.  You can come pick her up tomorrow, if she wants.”

She didn’t stay around to hear anything else from him.  She walked Ari through the crowd and had to stop several times while Ari waved and smiled and thanked people for coming.  Cynthia’s driver had stayed close by so it only took a moment for their car to pull up.  Cynthia helped Ari in and once they were safely in their seats, Ari scooted over and nuzzled her head on Cynthia’s shoulder.

Ari was, blessedly, quiet the whole way to Cynthia’s place.  She was completely compliant when Cynthia directed her to the bathroom and handed her a pair of freshly-laundered and folded pajamas.  While Cynthia was in her own bathroom, she debated whether she should put Ari on the couch.  For sanity purposes.  But by the time she got out, Ari was in her bed, under the covers, eyes closed.

Cynthia couldn’t help the little chuckle that escaped her.  She sighed and slid into the bed and turned the lamp off.  She was so excited to not wake up to an alarm in the morning, and she was just starting to feel the heaviness of sleep when Ari snuggled up to her and assumed the position of her face in Cynthia’s neck.

“Hey,” Ari whispered in the dark.

“Hi,” Cynthia said.  “Are you okay?  Do you need water?”

“I’m okay,” Ari promised.  She hugged Cynthia close and rubbed her feet all over Cynthia’s legs.  “I’m drunk.”

Cynthia snorted.  “You know, I had noticed that.”

“Drunkiana in the house, bitches,” Ari said, and then did a little sound like she was a crowd cheering for herself.

Cynthia laughed again.  “Oh my God, go to sleep.”

“I can’t.  My head is too full of thoughts and words.”

“How awful.”

They both snickered and Ari squeezed Cynthia.

“Can I tell you a secret?” she whispered.

“Maybe you shouldn’t,” Cynthia warned.  “Your lips get pretty loose when you’re drunk, and you might say something you’ll regret in the morning.”

“I won’t regret it,” Ari said quietly.  “I’ve been thinking it for a while, but now I feel like I’m brave enough to say it.”

Cynthia steeled herself for some outrageous statement about sex.  Drunkiana seemed to be quite forward in that regard.

“Well, I suppose I can’t stop you.”

There was a very long pause, and the only thing Cynthia could hear was their breathing. 

“Before we started filming, I pulled tarot cards and talked to a psychic,” Ari started.  “To, you know, figure out what was in store for me here.”

Very on-brand for Ari, Cynthia thought.

“She told me and the cards told me that I was going to meet the love of my life while filming this movie.  I didn’t believe it at first, you know?  I’ve already had one big love, and I never thought I would get another one.” 

Cynthia chest tightened, but she encouraged Ari to go on with an “uh-huh.” 

“I had seen Ethan perform before so when he got cast here, I thought, ‘oh it must be him.  He must be the one the psychic told me about.’  And he’s great, ya know?  He’s easy.  Uncomplicated.  He likes a lot of the same things I do, and he’s creative, and I don’t feel weird or nervous around him.”

The tightening worsened, but Cynthia didn’t stop her.  This was what friends did, after all.  They shared things, feelings, about their significant others.

“He’s lucky to have you,” was all she could manage.

There was another long pause.

“Could you turn the light on?” Ari asked quietly.

“Why?”

“I want to look at you.”

Cynthia hesitated.  She didn’t want to turn the light on.  The darkness gave her the space to wear the facial expressions that matched her mood.  With the light on, she’d had to pretend to be happy for Ari when she definitely was not.

But she leaned over and turned the light on anyway.  She got her face together and did her best to look neutral.  Ari rested her head on Cynthia’s chest, staring up at her with those big brown eyes that looked a little more focused than they had earlier.

“What are you feeling right now?” Ari asked.  She reached up to stroke Cynthia’s face.

“I feel fine,” Cynthia lied.  “You’re telling me about this great love you met, and I’m happy for you.”

Ari half-smiled.  “You don’t look happy.  You look kinda pissed.”

“Just tired,” Cynthia lied again.

Ari’s smile blossomed into a full one.

“You’re a bad liar.”

Cynthia cracked a half-smile of her own.

Ari sat up a little more and never broke her eye contact with Cynthia.

“You know what I realized?” she asked, barely above a whisper.

Cynthia shook her head, not completely trusting herself to talk.

“I did meet the love of my life,” Ari whispered.  She stroked Cynthia’s face again.  “But it wasn’t him.  It’s you.”

Cynthia’s heart nearly leapt out of her chest and she searched Ari’s face for any sign of deception or just pure drunkenness.  Her gaze was steady, though.  So was her voice.  She wasn’t serious often, but she was serious in that moment.

“I got close to telling you this before, but I chickened out.  I’ll probably chicken out again tomorrow, so I’m telling you now.”  She gently held Cynthia’s chin to keep their eyes locked.  “I am so, so in love with you.”

Tears immediately stung Cynthia’s eyes, so she shut them.  A tear escaped anyway, and Ari wiped it from her face.

“I know you won’t because I’m not sober, but I want to kiss you so much right now,” she continued.  “And I want to bang your fucking brains out.” 

Cynthia laughed amidst the crying and got it together enough to open her eyes.  Ari was looking at her with the softest expression, and Cynthia’s heart melted. 

“You were abundantly clear on that point earlier,” Cynthia said.

Ari smiled and wiped another stray tear.

“It might take me a minute to work up the strength to ask you when I’m not intoxicated, but I just wanted you to know.  I love you so much.  You’re everything to me.”

Ari leaned in and kissed Cynthia’s cheek and lowered her head to her chest.  Cynthia turned the lamp off and held Ari close.  She kissed the top of Ari’s head.

“You’re everything to me, too,” she whispered.

Ari was asleep a short time later, leaving Cynthia with her thoughts.  Her feelings.  Her hormones.  Her worries.  Her desires.

All of it stirred up by Ariana Grande.

What the hell was she going to do now?

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which things escalate a little more

Shortly after Ari’s 30^th birthday, production shut down due to the writers’ strike.  Nobody had any idea whether the strike might last for a couple of days or weeks or even months, so almost everybody hung around London, hoping that production would pick back up quickly. 

During their time off, Cynthia spent a lot of her time with Ari.  They went shopping together, saw shows and took turns spending time at each other’s apartments.  Cynthia had worried that things might be strained after Ari admitting to being in love with her, but she wasn’t totally sure Ari even remembered saying that because her demeanor was the same as it usually was.  She was fun, silly, lighthearted, and she never brought it up.  So, Cynthia didn’t bring it up, either.

That did not mean it wasn’t on Cynthia’s mind, though.  It was.  More than she would have liked to admit.  She kept replaying that night in her head, trying to sort through all the feelings.  She still wasn’t able to stop thinking about it even after Lena came for a visit.  It was nice to spend an extended amount of time with her again, but Cynthia felt guilty that it took her a few nights to get used to sleeping with her after she had been sharing her bed off and on with Ari.

All of it was weighing heavily on her mind when she woke up in Lena’s arms on a lazy Saturday.  They didn’t have plans for once, and Cynthia decided it was probably the time to have a conversation about everything that was going on.  She got up at her usual early time to work out, because she didn’t like the idea of breaking her routine, and after Lena was up and they were lounging around the living room, Cynthia bit the bullet.

“I’d like to talk to you about something,” she started.

“Okay, what’s up?”

Cynthia opened her mouth, then closed it, trying to figure out the right words.  She and Lena had always promised to be honest with one another, which had never been a problem before.  But coming clean about Ari felt different for some reason. 

“You know Ari and I have been spending a lot of time together.”

Lena raised an eyebrow, like she was surprised at the topic, but she nodded.  “Yeah.”

“We’ve gotten close.  I care for her a great deal, and at first, I thought it was strictly platonic.  But now…”  She watched for any change in Lena’s expression before finishing with, “now, I think it may be more than that.”

Cynthia braced herself for some big reaction, but none came.  Lena only pressed her lips together in an unimpressed way and didn’t say anything for a while.  Cynthia’s heart pounded in her ribcage.  Lena was generally a patient, laidback person.

Until she wasn’t.  

“So, you’re sleeping with her?” Lena asked, her eyes a tad bit harder than they had been a minute earlier.

“No,” Cynthia said quickly.  She paused because she supposed that wasn’t technically true. “Well, we aren’t having sex.”

Lena’s face crumpled into a frown.  “You’re sleeping with her, but you’re not having sex?  I’m confused.”

“Well, you know I told you she needs a lot of physical touch.”

“I know every time I Facetime you, she’s hanging all over you,” Lena snapped.

Cynthia chose not to respond to that.

“We haven’t had sex or kissed,” she said instead.  “But she has slept over here a few times.”

“What’s a few times?”

Cynthia probably should have expected that question, but she hadn’t.  She did some mental math, thinking back to the first night, and trying to count up how many times it had been if they slept together once a week on average.

“Wow,” Lena said, with a disbelieving laugh.  “If you have to count, then it’s more than a few.”

“It’s for comfort,” Cynthia said, and it sounded lame in her own ears.

“Hers or yours?”

Cynthia was starting to think she should have kept her mouth shut, but she’d opened the door so it was probably best to go ahead and walk through it.

“Both. I think.”

Lena nodded and made a face she made when she was trying not to show how irritated she was.

“And where does she sleep when she’s here?”

Every question was worse than the one before it.

“With me,” she said, but it almost sounded like a question.

There was another pause.  Then, Lena reacted in the last possible way Cynthia expected; she laughed.  Hard.

“Bro, are you kidding me right now?”

“You know I don’t like it when you call me ‘bro.’”

“And I don’t like it that some other chick is sleeping in the bed with you so often than you’ve lost count, but here we are.”

Cynthia sighed, because she really didn’t have a comeback for that.  It was true.  She scooted over on the couch, close enough to touch Lena and take her hand, but Lena stood up and began to pace.  She ran her hands over her face and laughed again.

“So you and Ariana Grande, huh?  Wow.  Can’t say I saw that coming.”

“I promise you that when this started, it was truly just as friends.  That was my only intention.  I love you and I’m committed to you, and part of that commitment is having a hard conversation like this.  I’m sorry if I’m hurting you.  I don’t want to do that.  But I don’t want to feel like I’m keeping something from you, either.”

Lena kept pacing and nodding, and Cynthia wasn’t even sure Lena was listening.

“If you’re not fucking her, what’s going on?  Are you in love with her?”

It was the same question Cynthia had been asking herself for days.

“I’m not sure,” she admitted quietly.  “I honestly am not sure how much of my feelings are mine for her, or if I’m conflating Elphaba’s feelings for Glinda.  I know that sounds crazy, but it can be hard to distinguish the two when we’re so much alike.  I thought maybe by talking with you about it, I could make sense of it.”

“But you think you might be in love with her?”

It was hard to look at Lena while she said it, but Cynthia believed in honesty.  So she looked at her girlfriend when she said, “yes.”

Lena blew out a breath and hung her head, and Cynthia jumped up to console her.  She wrapped Lena in a hug and said, “I’m sorry,” over and over.  Tears formed in her eyes because she didn’t want to hurt anyone, and because it was all so overwhelming.  She hadn’t expected or planned to walk onto the set of a dream role and fall in love with her co-star.  Her heart ached when Lena pulled away from the hug and wiped her face.

“So you want to break up?” she asked, pacing again.  “So you can be with her?”

“I don’t want to break up,” Cynthia said honestly.  “I’m not telling you this because I want to end our relationship.”

“Then why are you telling me?”

“Because I don’t want to break up and I don’t want to keep a secret from you.  Wouldn’t it be worse if I didn’t tell you?”

A sad laugh came from Lena.  “Yeah, it probably would.”

They were quiet for a while, Cynthia looking at Lena and Lena looking at anything other than Cynthia. 

“I think I just want the space to figure out what I’m feeling for her,” Cynthia said quietly.  “Maybe it’s the environment and the intensity of what we’re doing.  I don’t know.  But it’s not fair to any of us for me to be unclear.”

Lena nodded and sighed loudly.

“I think I would prefer if y’all were fucking, honestly.”

“Why would you say that?”

Lena finally looked at her and Cynthia felt horrible about the sadness in her eyes. 

“Because sex is sex.  It’s physical.  It’s an attraction.  I get it; you’re over here without me for weeks and months at a time.  You’re playing these intense roles and getting close to each other. I’m not saying I want to share you, but I get it.  People fuck and move on.  But what you’re talking about it some emotional shit and that’s a whole different thing.”

Silence fell over them again, and Cynthia itched to make it right.  To stop Lena from looking so sad. 

“Where do we go from here?” she asked.

Lena shrugged.  “That’s up to you.  I want to be with you, but not if you really want to be with someone else.”

“I’m not saying I want to be with someone else.”

“But you’re saying you might.”

Cynthia was the one to cover her face then, and she sat down on the couch again.

“I don’t know what I’m saying,” she confessed.

She felt the couch dip when Lena sat next to her.

“I don’t get it,” Lena said.  “She and I couldn’t be more different.  I don’t understand how you could have feelings for both of us.  And do you really think something would last with her?”

Cynthia narrowed her eyes at her.  “What do you mean by that?”

“Ari is a love-em-and-leave-em type.  Everybody knows that.  She was about to marry Pete Davidson after like a month or something.  And didn’t she just steal some dude from his pregnant wife?”

Irritation flared in Cynthia’s veins at the characterizations, but she didn’t feel like it was the best time to defend Ari.

“I’m not sure it happened quite like that,” she said.

“Well, whatever.  And is she even gay?  Or are you just some kind of experiment to her?”

The irritation flirted with becoming anger, so Cynthia took her time to respond.

“I don’t think I’m an experiment,” she said, measuring each word.

“So, what are you to her, then?”

What a loaded question.  Cynthia knew that Ari’s feelings for her were definitely more than platonic, but she didn’t think it was wise to share that at the moment.

“I’m her friend,” she offered.  “Her support system. Her confidante.”  She paused.  “She needs me.”

Lena’s eyebrows slowly raised and her mouth formed an “oh,” like she finally got it.

“Oh, I see,” she said.

“See what?”

“You’re trying to play Captain Save-A-Ho with her.”

That finally did tip Cynthia into anger.

“Do not talk about her like that,” she warned.

“I mean, it is what it is.  You have a good, stable relationship with a good, stable woman, but if you want to see what it’s like to be with someone loose, have fun with that.”

“Stop,” Cynthia said, and her tone made it clear that she was serious.  “I won’t have that.  If you’re frustrated, fine.  But do not talk about her like that.”

“Defending your side piece to your girlfriend.  Nice.”

Cynthia groaned and stood up to give them some space.

“Let’s focus on us, okay?  I want to know where this leaves us,” she said. 

Lena shrugged like she didn’t care, even though Cynthia knew she was probably torn up inside.

“Do you,” she said.

“What does that mean?”

“It means do what you have to do to figure out your feelings.  And leave me out of it.”

Lena got up and walked to the bedroom and the minute Cynthia heard luggage unzipping, she threw her head back and sighed.  This was going all wrong.  She had no idea how she thought it would go.

She found Lena throwing things into her bag and she took her arm and pulled Lena to her.  Lena was stoic as Cynthia took her face in her hands.

“I’m sorry,” she said again.  “Truly.  Genuinely.  From the bottom of my heart, love, I’m sorry.  I do love you.  And I want to be with you.  My feelings for Ari, whatever they are, don’t diminish my feelings for you.  Can you understand that?”

Lena nodded but didn’t say anything for a while.  Cynthia didn’t know what else to say, so she waited.

“It sounds like you want to open up our relationship,” Lena offered.

Did she want to do that?  She had dabbled in open relationships before, but they always fizzled out.  She barely had time for one relationship, let alone two or three.  But she was so anxious to get that hurt look off Lena’s face that she found herself agreeing without giving it the full weight of her thought.

“How would you feel about that?” she asked.

“It’s not my first choice,” Lena said.  “But I don’t want to lose you.”

“I don’t want to lose you, either.  I really don’t.”

“Okay,” Lena sighed.  “I guess we should talk about the rules, then.”

The rules, which they talked about ad nauseum until Lena left a few days later, were pretty simple.  When she and Lena were together, they were together.  Monogamous.  But when they were apart for long periods, like with Cynthia shooting abroad or Lena was in some other city, they were a little less than monogamous.  Lena again said that Cynthia should “do what she had to do” while they finished filming the movie, that she would do the same, and that they could reassess when Cynthia went back home to LA.  It wasn’t perfect, but it did take some of the weight and guilt off Cynthia. 

Still, despite having Lena’s blessing (for lack of a better term), Cynthia didn’t act on it. 

At least, not right away.

As the writers’ strike dragged on and Ari seemed to get closer to Ethan, Cynthia took that as her opportunity to step back a little bit.  They did all their usual things and even had sleepovers, but they never spoke about the love confession and things never went further than an intimate, flirty friendship.

The months after the strike finally ended seemed to fly by and before Cynthia could even catch her breath, they were wrapping up.  The final day of shooting was full of tears, not just from Ari but from everyone, Cynthia included.  They had been on set together for so long that they had all become a family.  And Elphaba had become a part of Cynthia that she was struggling to let go of. 

That night, there was a celebration with the entire cast and crew.  The next night, the primary cast members had a dinner, where there were even more tears and hugs and loving words exchanged.  They honestly didn’t have much time to grieve because once shooting ended, the press tour started.  It wouldn’t pick up in earnest until later in the year, but Cynthia and Ari would be at the Super Bowl in just a few weeks, then the Oscars, the Met Gala in a few months, and the summer Olympics after that, with plenty of appearances in between. 

The night before Ari’s flight back to the States, she asked if they could have “one last sleepover,” and of course, Cynthia said yes.

When Ari showed up that night, Cynthia was already in her most comfortable, most worn-in soft T-shirt and shorts.  The minute she opened the door for Ari, they embraced each other and kept the hug going for what felt like hours. 

“Are you okay?” Cynthia whispered in her ear.

“No, but I will be.”

They skipped the part of their ritual where they sat around and talked and watched shows, and instead headed straight for the bed.  Ari was already in her pajamas, too, and it was crazy how much they didn’t have to say to each other about certain things.  Like the fact that they both knew Ari needed to be the little spoon that night.  They didn’t waste any time snuggling up to each other and Cynthia gave her an extra squeeze before running her nails through Ari’s hair.

“How are you, love?” she asked in the room that had stopped feeling like hers and started feeling like theirs.

“I’ve been crying for three days straight,” Ari admitted.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.  Do you want to talk about what’s making you sad?”

“Everything’s making me sad.”  Ari ran her fingers over Cynthia’s T-shirt a few times.  “Leaving everybody.  Going back to the real world.  I feel like we’ve been in this protective little bubble, and I don’t want it to end.  This feels like the first place I’ve felt truly safe in a long time, and now we’re getting thrown back to the wolves.”

Cynthia kissed the top of Ari’s head.  “I know change is hard.  It’s hard for me, too.  But we’re in it together.  You know that, right?”

“Yes.”  She was quiet for a moment.  “I’m going to miss you so much.”

“I’ll miss you, too.  But we’ll see each other a lot.  We have so many things on our schedules, we’ll still be together.”

“But it won’t be the same as seeing you every day.  It won’t be the same as this,” Ari said, tugging on Cynthia’s shirt.  There was a long pause, before she said, “it feels like we’re breaking up.”

Cynthia’s heart broke a little bit, and she gathered Ari in her arms and pulled her even closer.  She kissed the top of her head over and over, unsure if the comfort was for Ari of herself.

“We’re not breaking up,” she said.  “We’re transitioning to a new phase in our connection, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.”

Even as she said it, though, her words felt hollow.  She recalled the conversation she’d had with Lena about Ari, and Lena had made it clear that she was okay with them exploring while they filmed the movie.  But what did that mean now that the movie was over?  Cynthia had never quite nailed down what her relationship with Ari was, and now it was about to change. 

“Can I ask you something?” Ari whispered, as she continued to play with the soft fabric of Cynthia’s T-shirt.

“Of course, love.”

“Do you remember when you told me that if I asked you to kiss me while I was sober, that you would do it?”

And there it was. 

They had gone months without talking about the elephant in the room: their mutual attraction to one another.  It was a completely fair question, yet Cynthia’s heart skipped a beat, and her hand temporarily paused the light scratches to Ari’s scalp.  Suddenly, the room felt very warm, and she was extremely aware of every place that her body touched Ari’s.  Ari’s legs entangled with hers.  Ari’s arms wrapped around her middle.  Ari’s head on her chest, surely fully aware of the way her heart had started to beat so much faster.

“I remember,” she said quietly.

Ari lifted her head and scooted back enough for them to be able to see each other.  The night light provided just enough glow for Cynthia to see the look on Ari’s face.  It wasn’t her usual troublemaking mischievous little pout, though.  Instead, Ari’s big brown eyes looked at Cynthia with a mixture of hopefulness and fear.  Cynthia had thought the pout was deadly.  But this vulnerable look was even worse.

“I’m sober now,” Ari whispered.

Cynthia’s heart hammered so hard and so quickly in her chest that she felt like it was causing her whole body to move.  She knew that they would get to this place at some point.  She was actually surprised it had taken them so long.  She’d thought about it and wondered how and when this moment would come.  She’d thought about what she would say and do.

Yet, somehow, she was still totally unprepared.

“What are you asking me, Ari?” she asked, mostly to give herself another minute to decide if kissing Ari was something she should let herself experience, or if it would be a huge mistake.

Ari cracked a half-smile.  She brought a hand up to cup Cynthia’s face, and then she slid her hand down just enough for her thumb to trace Cynthia’s lips.

Cynthia swallowed hard.

“I want to kiss you.”

Cynthia closed her eyes to concentrate on the feeling of the pad of Ari’s thumb as it slowly dragged across her top lip, then her bottom one.  The motion was quite erotic, and Cynthia’s entire body was alive with anticipation of where else Ari might touch her.  Ari moved her thumb back and forth, up and down, a few times before she spoke again.

“Do you still want to kiss me, too?” Ari whispered.

Cynthia opened her eyes again and nearly groaned at the intense look in Ari’s eyes.  She had that hungry look Cynthia had seen before, and Cynthia’s nipples peaked underneath her shirt. 

Her body was clearly screaming “yes,” but her mind raced with questions and consequences.  What would happen to her relationship with Ari if they took this step?  What would happen to her relationship with Lena?  She thought of Lena encouraging her to do whatever she needed to figure out her feelings for Ari.  And what better way to figure out if she truly had more-than-friendly feelings than by engaging in more-than-friendly behavior?

When she still hadn’t answered after a few moments, Ari smiled a little sadly.

“It’s okay if you don’t,” she said.  She removed her thumb and started to remove her hand, but Cynthia immediately reached up and covered her hand, keeping it in place on Cynthia’s cheek.

“It’s not that,” she said.  Ari looked at her with a question in her eyes, but she didn’t say anything.  Cynthia squeezed the hand that cupped her face and admitted in the quietest voice, “I’m scared.”

Ari’s face melted into one of understanding and she stroked Cynthia’s cheek.

“What are you scared of?”

“Ruining what we have,” she admitted.

Ari leaned down to press her forehead to Cynthia’s, and she shook her head, causing Cynthia’s to go with her.

“What we have can’t be ruined,” she promised.  “Together for good, remember?”

“Yeah, but people say that and then they have sex and everything changes.”

“Whoa, slow down there, horn dog, I only asked you for a kiss.”

Cynthia laughed despite the confusing emotions swirling in her brain, and Ari smiled so sweetly at her. The moment of levity helped Cynthia lighten up a tad and she brought Ari’s palm to her mouth and kissed it.

“You know as well as I do that if we kiss, it won’t stop there.”

Ari bit her lip and smiled enough for that dimple to appear.  She brought a hand to her chest and took a dramatic breath.

“Why, Miss Elphaba, are you saying that you find me irresistible?”

Cynthia took her in.  Her smile.  Her silliness.  The boldness that sometimes shocked her.

“A little bit, yeah,” she admitted.

Ari’s knowing smile grew, and she brought Cynthia’s hand to her lips and pressed a kiss there.

“Nothing will change if we don’t let it,” Ari promised.  “Tomorrow, we can be best friends or castmates or whatever you want us to be.  But tonight,” she said, bumping her nose against Cynthia’s, “it’s our last night in our little bubble.  We’ll have to go back to the real world, and we’ll never be these versions of ourselves again.”  She hesitated.  “I guess I just want to be close to you.”

“I want to be close to you, too.”

“You’re so smart and practical.  I know it’s hard for you to not plan out every little detail.  But maybe…try not to overthink this?  Do you think you could just be with me, in this moment?”

Those were words Cynthia had said to Ari many times, especially when Ari was on the verge of or in the middle of a panic attack.  It struck Cynthia then how far they had come together, how much their relationship had deepened and how much Ari had grown in the past year and a half.  It was usually Cynthia doing the comforting; now Ari was capable of giving it back. 

The realization warmed her chest and brought a smile to her face.

“What?” Ari asked, with a soft smile.

“You,” Cynthia said, not even attempting to hide the fondness she felt.  “You’ve changed.  In a good way.  And I feel like I’m seeing you differently.”

Without missing a beat, Ari said, “you changed me.”  She shrugged, like it was simply a fact and not a monumental statement about the importance of their relationship.  But it was a monumental statement.  And Cynthia suddenly felt like she was high or drunk, little beads of giddiness popping all over her body.  Everything she had been worrying about seemed to evaporate, and all she could see was this adorable, brave, hilarious woman that had dropped into her life one day and stolen a piece of her heart.

“You’re in charge of this, okay?” Ari said.  “We don’t have to do anything you don’t w…”

Before she could finish, Cynthia leaned up, captured Ari’s face in both hands, and kissed her.

It was one of those surreal moments: a moment you think about and play out in your head over and over, going over every possible scenario of how it will happen, only to be shocked and unprepared when it actually does.

Ari’s lips were soft, and the tiniest little squeak of surprise vibrated against Cynthia’s lips.  That first kiss was soft and experimental, and it only lasted a second or two. 

When Cynthia pulled back, Ari's eyes were closed, her lips slightly parted. Cynthia watched as Ari's eyes fluttered open, a look of wonder on her face.

"I’ve been thinking about that for a long time," Ari breathed.

"Me too," Cynthia agreed, her heart racing.

They gazed at each other for a moment, the air between them charged with electricity. They had time to back out, to leave their friendship where it was. Cynthia could practically see the wheels churning in Ari’s head, and she was sure Ari could see the same in her.

Then, all their thoughts seem to evaporate at the exact same time and, as if drawn by an invisible force, they came together again. This time, the kiss was deeper, more urgent. Cynthia’s hands tangled in Ari’s hair as Cynthia pulled her closer.

Their lips moved together like they had been doing it for years instead of seconds. Cynthia parted her lips, inviting Ari to deepen the kiss further, and Ari eagerly accepted. As their tongues met for the first time, Cynthia couldn't hold back the soft moan that escaped her. The sound seemed to ignite something in Ari, who pushed forward, pressing her body on top of Cynthia’s.

Ari broke the kiss, her breath coming in short pants as she hovered over Cynthia. Her eyes were alight with desire, but there was also a question in them: a silent request for permission to continue. Cynthia answered by pulling Ari back down, reconnecting their lips in a passionate kiss.

Cynthia’s hands began to roam, exploring territories that had been off-limits until now. Her fingers slipped under the hem of Ari's shirt and she dragged her long nails up Ari’s lower back.

“Ahh,” Ari moaned. She shivered at the touch, and her own hands found their way to either side of Cynthia’s head. She slotted one leg between Cynthia’s and ground down, her thigh hitting Cynthia right where she needed it.

Pleasure exploded in Cynthia’s brain, and she groaned. Her mouth found Ari’s again and their kisses grew desperate as Cynthia’s hands dropped down Ari’s ass and she pulled Ari into her in the same rhythm as Ari’s hips pushed into Cynthia. Months of pent-up tension and longing poured out as they kissed and worked their bodies together like their lives depended on it.

Ari tore her lips away from Cynthia’s mouth and she leaned down to suck her earlobe and nip at the skin there.

"Cyn," Ari breathed, her voice husky with desire. "God, I want you so much.”

Cynthia's head was spinning, her body on fire. She could barely think straight enough to formulate a response. Every brain cell was focused on Ari’s body: her thigh pressed so hard against Cynthia’s center, her ass in Cynthia’s hands, her mouth on Cynthia’s ear. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been so turned on.

When she took too long to respond, Ari’s mouth dropped to the spot where Cynthia’s neck met her shoulder, and she bit her.

“Fuck!” Cynthia cried.

“Do you want me, too?” Ari whispered, still working her thigh between Cynthia’s legs.

“Yes,” Cynthia hissed.

Emboldened by Cynthia's response, Ari slid her hand down Cynthia’s shirt and right into her shorts. She was met with bare skin, and when her fingers slid over soaking wet lips, she groaned against Cynthia’s neck.

“Oh my Gooood,” she said, at the same time that Cynthia cursed again. “You are so fucking wet.”

Cynthia's hips bucked involuntarily as Ari's fingers explored her slick folds. She gasped, her head falling back against the pillow as waves of pleasure coursed through her body.

"Ari," she moaned, her voice thick with need.

Ari's lips found Cynthia's again as her fingers circled Cynthia's clit with teasing strokes. Their tongues were sloppy and needy, and Cynthia whimpered into the kiss, her hands grasping desperately at Ari's ass.

"Tell me what you want." Ari whispered against Cynthia's lips.

"Inside me," Cynthia breathed.

“Oooh, so you do like penetration,” Ari teased.

Cynthia knew they had talked about that before, but her brain was so fried, she couldn’t even pretend to remember the exact circumstance. She found Ari’s gaze, bright with desire and mirth, and she raised her hips to get more friction. Ari leaned down and slid her tongue into Cynthia’s mouth at the same time that she slid two fingers into Cynthia's wet heat, eliciting a deep moan from both of them.

"Oh fuck," Cynthia gasped, breaking the kiss as her head fell back.

Ari's fingers moved slowly at first, exploring and savoring the feeling of being inside Cynthia.

"So warm and wet for me," Ari murmured, her lips trailing down Cynthia's neck. She curled her fingers slightly, searching for that spot that would make Cynthia see stars.

And, damn, if she didn’t find it embarrassingly quickly.

Cynthia's hips jerked as Ari's fingers found that perfect spot inside her. A strangled cry escaped her lips, her body arching off the bed.

"There?" Ari asked, her voice low and husky.

"Yes, fuck, right there," Cynthia panted.

Ari grinned against Cynthia’s neck and increased her pace, her fingers curling to hit Cynthia’s spot while her thumb found Cynthia's clit. The dual sensations were overwhelming, and Cynthia could feel herself rapidly approaching the edge.

"Ari, I'm close," she gasped. She gripped Ari’s ass and she had to consciously remember not to dig her nails into Ari’s soft skin.

“You’re gonna come for me?” Ari encouraged, her lips brushing Cynthia's ear.

“Yes,” Cynthia groaned.

“Mm, I want to hear it louder,” Ari teased.

Cynthia was too far gone to give a damn.

“YES!” she screamed.

“That’s my girl,” Ari whispered. She lightly bit the bottom of Cynthia’s jaw and added, “that’s my Elphie.”

Those words, combined with a particularly well-timed thrust of Ari's fingers, sent Cynthia careening over the edge. Her back arched off the bed as waves of pleasure crashed over her, her inner walls clenching around Ari's fingers. Cynthia cried out Ari's name, her body shaking with the intensity of her orgasm.

Ari kept her fingers moving, slower now, helping Cynthia ride out the aftershocks. She peppered soft kisses along Cynthia's neck and jaw, murmuring words of praise and affection.

As Cynthia's breathing began to slow, Ari gently withdrew her fingers, eliciting a small whimper from Cynthia at the loss. Ari brought her fingers to her mouth, maintaining eye contact as she slowly licked them clean.

The sight nearly made Cynthia come again.

She reached up, tangling her fingers in Ari's hair, and pulled her down for a deep, passionate kiss. She sucked the taste of herself off Ari's tongue, causing a brain-melting moan to rumble from Ari’s mouth into hers. In one smooth motion, Cynthia flipped their positions, pinning Ari beneath her. Ari let out a surprised gasp as Cynthia's thigh pressed between her legs.

Cynthia's hands slid under Ari's shirt, pushing it up and over her head. She took a moment to drink in the sight of Ari beneath her, hair tousled, chest heaving, eyes burning with desire. It occurred to her then that in the rush of getting down to business, she hadn’t even taken her shirt off. So she took a second to sit up and pull her shirt over her head.

Ari’s eyes widened when she saw Cynthia’s pierced nipples, and she sat up and wrapped her arms around Cynthia’s waist to hold her in place while she sucked a nipple into her mouth.

“Fuck!” Cynthia cried out, as Ari switched back and forth between her breasts. Her sneaky little hand found its way between Cynthia’s legs again and Cynthia wasn’t prepared when Ari’s fingers slipped inside and went straight to her spot and curled up in the same rhythm as her tongue flicked over Cynthia’s chest. Cynthia saw actual stars behind her eyes and thought she might cry from how good it felt.

“Ari,” she moaned.

Ari licked a path from the center of Cynthia’s chest up to her chin, where she bit her just a little bit.

“You like how I fuck you?” she asked.

“Yes,” Cynthia sobbed.

“Are you gonna come for me again?”

“Yes!”

Cynthia rode Ari’s fingers with the same tenacity she used in all her endeavors and she was about ten seconds away from exploding, when she felt Ari lightly wrap her hand around Cynthia’s throat.

“Look at me,” Ari said.

Cynthia was so close that she struggled to even make sense of the command, until Ari gently squeezed her throat.

“Look at me,” she said again.

Cynthia opened her eyes just in time to connect with Ari’s adoring, completely focused gaze. Ari mouthed “I love you,” and that sent Cynthia flying so hard into an orgasm that she was sure people down the street could hear her screaming.

“Ari, fuuuucccck,” she cried as an orgasm even more powerful than the first ripped through her and threatened to put her straight to sleep. Her legs shook as she rode it out, all while Ari kissed and sucked and bit every piece of flesh her mouth could reach. The pleasure was so intense that for a minute, Cynthia felt like she was boneless. She collapsed into Ari’s arms, breathing hard and trembling.

Ari used her free hand to stroke up and down Cynthia’s back and she didn’t remove her fingers from inside Cynthia until all the aftershock flutters stopped. She slowly dragged the fingers up Cynthia’s body and tapped Cynthia to make sure she was watching as she licked her fingers clean for the second time that night.

This little slip of a woman was going to be the death of her.

Cynthia found the strength and coordination to grab Ari’s fingers and slip them into her own mouth. She kept her eyes on Ari’s as she sucked the dainty fingers, and the moan that escaped Ari was loud and lewd.

“Are you finally going to show me what that mouth do?” Ari teased.

A laugh escaped while Ari’s fingers were still in her mouth, and Cynthia had to pull them out to say, “you are quite chatty in bed, aren’t you?”

“Would you like me to stop?” she asked, her eyes twinkling with mischief.

“Don’t you dare.”

Cynthia shut her up with a kiss and maneuvered them so Ari was lying down again. She kissed her way down Ari’s body until she was between her legs. She pulled Ari’s shorts off, and Ari made a show of very slowly spreading her legs wide. Cynthia briefly remembered when Ari had jumped on the bed on set and swung around Cynthia’s head, legs open and very much in Cynthia’s face.

God, had Ari been seducing her this whole time?

The mischievous grin on Ari’s face told her she was having the same thought, and the answer was a definitive yes.

“Bad girl,” Cynthia whispered just before she ran her tongue up Ari’s center.

“Ugh, yes,” Ari hissed, her head pressed back into the pillow as her hand went straight for Cynthia’s head to hold her in place.

Cynthia savored the taste of Ari on her tongue, exploring every fold and crevice with long, languid strokes. She took her time, mapping out Ari's most sensitive spots, cataloging each gasp and moan. She put one hand on each of Ari's thighs, holding her wide open as she worked.

"Baby," Ari moaned, both hands now on Cynthia’s head. "That feels so good."

Encouraged by Ari's reactions, Cynthia focused her attention on Ari's clit, circling it with her tongue before sucking it gently between her lips. Ari's hips bucked, a strangled cry escaping her throat.

Cynthia dropped down just a little and slid her tongue inside Ari, and Ari’s hips shot off the bed.

“Just like that, baby, just like that,” she cried.

Ari fucked her face, getting sloppier and rougher with each thrust. Cynthia grabbed one of Ari’s hands from her head and placed it so Ari could rub her own clit while she tongued her down.  Ari took the hint and rubbed herself furiously.

“Oh, God, I’m gonna come!” she screamed.

Cynthia pulled her tongue out just long enough to say, “look at me,” and the minute Ari managed to bring her head up and their eyes locked and she truly saw the picture of Cynthia’s gorgeous face between her legs, Ari’s eyes immediately rolled back into her head and screamed.

“I’m commmmiiiing.”

She had a death grip on Cynthia’s head while she came apart on her tongue, screaming and bucking and squeezing Cynthia’s head between her thighs. Her body shuddered for long moments and Cynthia made no effort to move until Ari slowly released her head and her hips fell back down to the bed.

“Oh my God,” she breathed. “Oh fuck. Oh shit.”

Cynthia laughed and kissed her way back up Ari’s body.

“So eloquent, you are.”

Ari looked too debauched to tease back, so she grabbed Cynthia and pulled her down for a filthy, desperate kiss. They sucked each other’s tongues and lips and made out like they would never get the chance to again.

Would they?  Cynthia wondered. And could they really just be friends after…that?

“No thinking, no thinking,” Ari said, kissing all over Cynthia’s face. “Just be mine tonight. Please.”

Cynthia nodded, and said, “I am yours.”

And she was starting to think it wouldn’t just be for that night.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which there is fluff

Ari was used to waking up with her body entangled with Cynthia’s.

She was not used to waking up with her naked body entangled with Cynthia’s naked body.

She felt it before she saw it.  They were lying on their sides, facing each other, and touching in every conceivable place.  Cynthia’s warm, smooth leg draped around Ari’s.  A toned arm wrapped around her waist.  Bare breasts pressed against her own.  Cynthia’s head buried in her neck, her soft and steady breathing a slow rhythm that was so calming that it might have put Ari back to sleep if the images and sounds of the night before hadn’t come rushing into her consciousness like a hurricane.

Ari remembered it all.  The kissing.  The words they said.  The sounds Cynthia made. 

Ari shivered and opened her eyes.  The dim morning light from an overcast wintery day filtered through the blinds, and it was the perfect mood lighting as Ari slowly pulled back the covers.  She had to bite back a moan because the sight of their bodies intertwined only heightened the arousal she was already feeling.  Her eyes zeroed in on Cynthia’s muscled dark brown thigh and she had the overwhelming urge to lean down and bite it.  She wanted to bite Cynthia everywhere. 

She wanted a replay of the night before.

But would Cynthia want that?  They hadn’t said it explicitly, but Ari worried that it might have been understood as a “one night only” kind of thing.

And, God, one night was not enough.

Before she could spin out about that, nature called.  Ari did her best to slowly and methodically remove herself from Cynthia’s body, which was not an easy feat physically or emotionally.  Cynthia whimpered a couple of times but once Ari was free, Cynthia simply sighed and rolled onto her back.  The sheets slipped down and revealed her breasts, and Ari had to cover her mouth to not moan out loud and wake Cynthia up.

Those piercings really did something for her.

Ari found her shorts on the floor and pulled them on.  She didn’t see her shirt, so she grabbed Cynthia’s and slid it on.  The smell of Cynthia permeated from the soft cotton and Ari pulled the shirt up to take a nice long drag.  She could wrap herself up in that scent forever.

She padded quietly to the bathroom, where she did her business and brushed her teeth.  She looked at herself in the mirror and she couldn’t stop the giddy grin that was spreading across her lips.  She looked well and truly fucked.  Her hair was a mess, and she had this glow in her eyes and on her skin that people only got when they had been properly laid.  She giggled like a schoolgirl the whole time she was brushing her teeth, and after she bent down to spit and rinse her mouth out, she heard the bathroom door open.

Ari stood up and looked in the mirror and nearly choked when she saw the reflection of Cynthia, leaning against the door frame, naked as the day she was born.  Ari’s eyes ran up and down her body and she had a quick moment of panic. 

What if Cynthia regretted it?  What if she wanted to act like nothing happened?  Ari’s heart lurched at the idea; she wasn’t sure she could handle that kind of regression in their relationship.

Cynthia gave her a smirky, lopsided grin and said, “good morning.”

Ari thought she probably should have been embarrassed by how quickly she got wet.

“Good morning,” she said, still feeling unsure of how this was going to go.

Cynthia sauntered towards Ari.  Sauntered.  Ari’s nipples stiffened.  Cynthia was pretty irresistible all the time, but when she had that cocky swagger that she pulled out every now and then, it was like kryptonite.

Ari was still running through the mental calculations about all the ways this might play out, and then Cynthia surprised her by wrapping her arms around Ari from behind and planting kisses on Ari’s neck.  Ari’s eyes fluttered closed and she relaxed into Cynthia’s embrace.

“For a second there when I woke up,” Cynthia said against her kin, “I thought you had done a runner on me.”

She sucked a patch of skin on Ari’s neck, and Ari felt her knees turn to jelly.

“Never,” she said.

“Mm.  What time is your flight?”

Her flight.  Damn!  Ari had forgotten all about that.  She tried to think, which was very hard under the circumstances.  “Um…3?”

Cynthia kissed her way up Ari’s neck and when she got to her ear, she whispered, “change it.”

Ari swallowed and had to grip the edge of the sink to keep from melting into the floor.

“Okay,” she said, in a breathy voice.

“Good girl.” 

Ari whimpered, fully ready and willing to be bent over the sink.  She felt Cynthia smile against her neck.

“You like it when I call you a good girl, don’t you?” she teased.

Cynthia’s hands slid under the shirt and she massaged Ari’s breasts.  Ari pushed her ass into Cynthia in response.

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Be a good girl, then, and open your eyes for me.”

Ari managed to follow those instructions, and when she saw the two of them in the mirror, she couldn’t stop the “fuuuck” that spilled out of her mouth. 

“We look so good together,” Cynthia said as she rested her chin on Ari’s shoulder.

They looked like a wet dream, in Ari’s opinion.  She could see the outline of Cynthia’s slim fingers and long nails underneath the T-shirt.  Ari’s eyes were heavy with lust, while Cynthia looked very pleased with herself.  Ari wished she had her phone so she could capture that exact moment forever.

“I like you in my shirt,” Cynthia said.  She turned back to Ari’s neck and kissed her skin again.  “But why are you wearing clothes?”

Ari watched, spellbound, as Cynthia kissed and sucked her neck.  God, it was so hot.  She felt like she would drown in her own arousal as Cynthia continued to kiss her neck and massage her breasts.

“Love?” Cynthia asked.

“I was cold,” Ari said, finally remembering the question.

“Mm.”

Cynthia slid her hands out from under the shirt, much to Ari’s dismay, and she dragged her teeth along Ari’s neck.  Then she said something that truly almost made Ari combust where she stood.

“Be naked when I come back out there.”

Then, she removed herself and backed up, raising her eyebrows in the mirror as if to tell Ari, “well, go on, then.”

“Okay,” was all Ari could muster.

She walked out of the bathroom on wobbly legs and as soon as she got to the bed, she ripped her clothes off and got underneath the covers.  She immediately rescheduled her flight to the next day and then turned the phone off completely.  She didn’t want any interruptions or distractions during what was shaping up to be an entire day of sex with Cynthia.

Just the thought of that made her clit throb.

She heard Cynthia moving around the bathroom, humming while she brushed her teeth, and Ari felt so needy and desperate for her to come back that she slid her hand down her body and groaned when she felt how utterly drenched she was.  She bit her lip to stop a groan as she ran her fingers up and down herself, getting more and more turned on with every pass.  She closed her eyes and replayed the events of the night before.  She thought about how Cynthia looked in Ari’s lap, riding her fingers and screaming.  She thought about how compliant she was, doing everything Ari asked and more.

Ari was so into her fantasies that she didn’t even hear the bathroom door open and shut, and she didn’t notice that Cynthia was back in the room until Cynthia cleared her throat.

Ari’s eyes shot open and she yanked her hand off her clit.  Cynthia had a hand on one naked hip and she raised an eyebrow.

“You’re starting without me?” she asked.  “That’s quite rude.”

Ari started to open her mouth to explain, but then Cynthia walked away from the bed and towards a dresser.  She pulled out a drawer and rummaged through it, and Ari’s eyes zeroed in on her ass.  God, it was an ass to behold, too.  All that working out had baked those cakes to perfection, and if Ari wasn’t absolutely certain that Cynthia would be mad at her for doing it, she would have touched herself again.

When Cynthia got whatever she was looking for, she turned around.  She pulled out a dark green satin bag.  She untied the top and Ari’s mouth dropped when she produced a good-sized, dark green dildo.

“Oh my God,” Ari breathed and she had to restrain herself from jumping out of the bed and attacking Cynthia where she stood.

“Do you like it?” Cynthia asked, with a cheeky grin.

“Yes.”

“Have you ever used one before?”

Ari shook her head because she didn’t think she was capable of speech.  She’d had sex with women before, but none of them had ever involved a strap-on.  She had never been that into the idea because she was always able to get real dick if she wanted.

But seeing it in Cynthia’s hand, thinking about it between Cynthia’s legs.  Holy shit.  She was suddenly extremely interested.

“Do you want me to use it on you?” Cynthia asked, her eyes twinkling with the certainty that she already knew the answer.

“God, yes,” Ari said, straining to keep her sanity in check.

“Do you want to know a secret?” Cynthia asked, as she went back to the drawer for something else.  “I’ve had this for months.  I really wanted to sleep with you but I wasn’t sure we ever would.  But I got it just in case.  Always best to be prepared.”

Ari had no idea how Cynthia was being so calm, while she was on the verge of a heart attack.  Cynthia turned around and Ari saw a pair of black underwear with a big “O” circle in the middle.  She watched, fascinated, as Cynthia inserted the dildo into it and then slid the underwear up her legs.  Ari took in the whole sight of her, topless and with a strap-on, and she just about fainted.

“What do you think?” Cynthia asked.

“I think if you don’t come over here right now, I’ll lose my fucking mind.”

Cynthia took a moment to tease Ari even more as she stood in front of the bed, stroking her hand up and down the dildo.  Ari was sure she had never been more aroused in her life.

“Get over here,” she said.

And despite her dominant attitude that morning, Cynthia obeyed.  She took her time walking to the side of the bed and when she pulled the covers back and got an eye full of Ari’s body, she cursed.  Ari held her hand out and helped Cynthia slide in on top of her.  The weight and warmth of Cynthia’s body on hers felt like heaven to Ari, and she grabbed Cynthia’s face and kissed her with all the pent-up passion from that morning and every morning, day, and night since she had realized how into her she was.

Ari had always liked kissing, but kissing Cynthia was like a new experience.  She loved to suck on Cynthia’s soft, full lips.  She couldn’t get enough of her tongue or the sighs and moans that vibrated into her mouth from Cynthia’s.  She kissed Cynthia like she was hungry.  Starving, maybe.  She wrapped her legs around Cynthia’s waist and hoisted her hips so she could rub her wetness all over the warm skin she found.

“God, Ari,” Cynthia groaned against her lips.

“Put it in me,” Ari whispered.  “Please, I feel like I’m going crazy.”

“But we haven’t even had any foreplay yet.”

“This whole fucking morning has been foreplay, trust me.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this wet in my life.”

Cynthia cursed and sat up on one arm while she very carefully and slowly trailed her hand down Ari’s stomach.  She tapped Ari’s thighs and Ari spread them open.  Cynthia used only one finger to touch Ari, careful to use only the pad of her finger, and when she felt how wet she was, Cynthia’s whispered, “Oh my God.”

“See what you do to me,” Ari told her.

That brought another groan and Ari watched in eager anticipation as Cynthia grabbed the dildo and lined it up at Ari’s entrance.  She rubbed the tip up and down a few times, drawing a string of curses from Ari’s mouth.

“Please, baby,” Ari begged.  

They both watched as Cynthia slowly inserted the tip into Ari.  Ari’s moans filled the room as Cynthia took her sweet time sliding in a little more, and a little more, until she was fully inside.  She moved her hips back and forth, little bit by little bit, and Ari collapsed onto the pillows.  She was torturously slow at first, but then Cynthia started to pick up a slightly faster rhythm, and Ari’s eyes rolled into the back of her head.

“Oh my God,” she moaned.  “Oh my God.”

“Does it feel good?” Cynthia asked, her breath coming out in puffs.

“So good,” Ari said, almost in a sob.

She wrapped her arms around Cynthia and their lips crashed in a frenzied kiss as both of them moaned with each thrust of Cynthia’s hips.

Ari's fingernails dug into Cynthia's back as the pleasure built inside her. Every thrust sent shockwaves through her body, and she could feel herself getting closer and closer to the edge. Cynthia's breasts rubbed against her own with each movement, adding another layer of sensation.

"Harder," Ari gasped between kisses. "Please, baby, harder."

Cynthia obliged, picking up her pace and driving into Ari with more force. The headboard banged against the wall as Cynthia pounded into her. Ari's moans grew louder and more desperate. Their bodies slapped together and the sound only made Ari more turned on.

“Just like that! Just like that!” she screamed.

Cynthia moaned and her back became sweaty underneath Ari’s hands as she kept working her hips harder and faster. Pleasure sparked from every spot on Ari’s body, when her fast-approaching orgasm hit her.

"Oh God, oh God, I'm gonna come," Ari cried out.

"That's it, come for me," Cynthia urged, her voice husky with arousal. “You’re such a good girl for me, baby. You’re so fucking good, and I can’t get enough.”

Those words tipped Ari over the edge. With a few more powerful thrusts, Ari's body went rigid as her orgasm crashed over her. She cried out Cynthia's name, her back arching off the bed.  She felt suspended in time, unable to move or think or do anything other than surrender completely to the euphoria gripping her heart, soul, and mind. Her inner walls clenched rhythmically around the dildo as Cynthia continued to thrust, drawing out Ari's climax.

And then Cynthia started to climax, too.

"Ari, baby," Cynthia cried. Her thrusts became erratic and frantic, and even though Ari was barely coherent, she knew was Cynthia was asking even though she hadn’t asked it. She opened her eyes and looked into Cynthia’s, and that soul bond that had building between them for over a year took hold of both of them, and she spiraled into another orgasm at the same time as Cynthia did.

She couldn’t even scream.

Her mouth was open but no sounds came out. She was vaguely aware that Cynthia was crying out as her body shook from the intensity of her orgasm. Not a single thought crossed her mind except how gorgeous Cynthia was when she was completely unguarded like that, and how much Ari wanted to experience it over and over and over. She wanted to be the reason, the only reason, Cynthia experienced so much pleasure.

As their shared climax began to subside, Cynthia collapsed on top of Ari, both of them panting heavily. Their bodies were slick with sweat, hearts pounding in unison. Ari wrapped her arms tightly around Cynthia, suddenly overcome by the knowledge that she never wanted to let her go.

For several long moments, they lay there in silence, catching their breath. Ari gently stroked Cynthia's back, tracing lazy patterns on her damp skin. She felt utterly blissed out, her body humming with residual pleasure.

Finally, Cynthia lifted her head to meet Ari's gaze. Her eyes were soft and vulnerable.  Cynthia kissed her, slow and deep, while she gently slid out of her. Ari moaned at the loss, and Cynthia got up just long enough to take the underwear off and drop the whole thing to the floor. Then she was, thankfully, right back on top of Ari’s body.

“I missed you,” Ari told her, as she planted kisses all over her face.

Cynthia snorted. “It took me five seconds to take that off.”

“Five seconds too long.”

Cynthia smiled and nuzzled her face against Ari’s neck, and they stayed that way for a long time.  They talked a little here and there, but they were also quiet a lot.  Simply enjoying each other’s company while they could.  At some point, they ordered food, and Ari counted out loud while Cynthia ran to the door, covered only in a blanket, to retrieve it.

“I missed you for 23 seconds,” Ari told her when Cynthia dove into the bed in a move that was very Ari-like.

They ate and laughed and didn’t separate for the rest of the day except to use the bathroom.  And even then, Ari insisted that they hold hands while each of them took turns on the toilet.

“Do you think we’ve been together before?” Ari asked, when they were snuggled up again under the covers.  “Like, in past lives?”

“Oh, definitely,” Cynthia said.  “It’s so easy between us, it can’t be the first time.”

“What about parallel lives?  Like, alternate timelines to this one right now?  Do you think we’re together in any of those?”

“Absolutely, yes.”

That made Ari smile.  She burrowed into Cynthia’s body like she was hibernating there, and she smiled even more when Cynthia kissed the top of her head and stroked her back.

“Do we have kids?” Ari asked, completely content to live in their fantasy world for just a little while longer.

Cynthia took a moment to think about that.  “I think so, yeah.  We’re both nurturers.  I could see us having a child.”

“A boy or a girl?”

“Girl,” Cynthia said immediately.  “I wouldn’t know what to do with a boy.”

Ari laughed a little.  “I don’t think I would, either.”  She brushed her lips over Cynthia’s collarbone and kissed it.  “What would we name her?”

“Hmmm,” Cynthia said, again seemingly deep in thought about it.  “I’ve always been fond of J names.  Jade.  Julia.   Jillian.”

“I like Julia,” Ari said, and it would have taken a crowbar to remove the smile from her face.  It wasn’t often that Cynthia did things as frivolous as come up with names for non-existent babies, and she was enjoying every second of it.  “I’ve always liked Tatum.”

“Tatum?” Cynthia asked, truly aggrieved.  “What kind of name is that?”

Ari popped her head up to look at Cynthia.  “It’s cute!  Tatum Grande-Erivo?”

Cynthia scoffed. 

Ari grinned.  “Admit it, that’s cute.”

“It’s not the worst name I’ve ever heard, taken all together.”

Ari kissed her, savoring the fact that she could do that.  And then she yanked away and said, “ooh, you know what other name I’ve always loved?  Willow.”

Cynthia’s disdain for Tatum softened as she rolled that name around a few times.  “I like that.”

“Willow Grande-Erivo.”

“Yeah,” Cynthia said, with a slow-forming smile.  “That’s lovely.”

They smiled at each other, and Ari’s heart felt so full that she thought she might burst into tears.  She knew she would just enjoy the moment.  Enjoy what they were having.  But whenever she felt this happy, she couldn’t help but worry about the other shoe dropping.  She remembered that she was flying out the next day and that this little honeymoon would end.  It must have shown on her face, because Cynthia cupped her cheek and asked, “what’s wrong, love?”

Ari leaned into her cheek and closed her eyes before tears could fall.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy,” she whispered. 

“So why are you crying?”

Ari opened her eyes and the tears ran down her cheek.

“Because I want this to last.  But it can’t…can it?”

Cynthia took a deep breath and didn’t answer for a while.

“It’s complicated, isn’t it?” she asked quietly. 

“Yeah,” Ari whispered.

“Even if other people weren’t involved, there’s so much to consider.  For both of us.  And I know we need to have this conversation at some point soon.  But can we just enjoy this for now?”  She smiled at Ari and ran her thumb over her cheek.  “You make me really happy, too.”

Ari did her best to put the negative thought spiral out of her mind, and she smiled and nodded.  They kissed each other again.  And again.  And again.  Until they were once again moaning and kissing and caressing each other and having slightly less vigorous sex.  Afterwards, they stumbled their way into the shower, where they also had sex.  Ari was blissed out and barely thinking when Cynthia turned around so Ari could wash her back.  She kissed up and down all the tattoos there, and then a brilliant idea formed.

“Let’s go get another tattoo,” she said.

“Kay,” Cynthia said, with the exact same complete lack of hesitation she had every time Ari suggested they get more matching tattoos.

She didn’t even ask what they were getting!  She just got dressed and snuggled Ari in the back of the car and went along with it, like she seemed to do a lot where Ari was concerned.  It wasn’t until they were in the tattoo parlor where they had gotten all their other matching and Wicked-related tattoos together that Cynthia seemed to put together that she didn’t even know what she had agreed to.

“What are we getting this time, babe?” she asked, clearly still on a sex high from the way she had her arm looped in Ari’s and her head on Ari’s shoulder.

Ari grinned and said, “WGE.”

Cynthia lifted her head and frowned, obviously lost.

“WGE?  What is that?  Wicked Glinda Elphaba?”

Ari laughed.  “Noooo.”

Cynthia still didn’t get it, and Ari had to blame herself for the outstanding head she’d given her in the shower that clearly sapped Cynthia of any brain energy.  Ari leaned in close to Cynthia’s ear.

“Willow.” She kissed Cynthia’s ear.  “Grande.”  Another kiss.  “Erivo.”  Another kiss.  “So no matter what happens going forward, we’ll always know that we’re together somewhere, in some timeline.”

Realization dawned on Cynthia and Ari was worried for exactly one second that Cynthia would finally put her foot down and say “no, that’s crazy.” 

She did not.

She smiled and said, “okay.”

They held each other’s hands as they each got “WGE” tattooed on their left rib cages, close to their hearts.  Cynthia winked at Ari, and Ari squeezed her hand.

Ari knew the next day would bring change, and that there were real-world consequences to whatever they decided.  But for that moment, it was probably the most perfect day Ari had ever experienced.  When she looked at her latest tat in the mirror, she smiled knowing that she would get to carry that day with her forever, no matter what else happened.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which there is a come-to-Jesus

McKenzie enjoyed her job as a studio executive.  She enjoyed being a part of the inner workings of the production of movies, especially sure-to-be blockbusters like “Wicked.”  She enjoyed the early mornings and late nights and the maneuvering it took to make these things actually happen.

She did not enjoy babysitting actors.

To be fair, she really hadn’t had to do much of that during the filming of the movie.  By all accounts, everyone got along well and Jon was a fantastic leader.

The problem seemed to be that some of them got along a little too well.

Absolutely nobody was happy when the news broke about Ari’s involvement with Ethan.  “Wicked” was supposed to be a fun, colorful family movie, and it didn’t look good to have one of the main stars involved with a married man who was also a brand-new father.  The super conversative types were already calling for a ban of the movie due to a “lack of morality,” and some religious nut jobs had hopped on board by calling the movie “witchcraft” and “satanic.”

McKenzie wasn’t too worried about those people; after all, they weren’t the target audience.  True, Ari’s cheating scandal was less than ideal, but her team had promised to keep the relationship as out of the media as possible until the heat died down.  Which, for the most part, they had done.  People had short memories and the studio decided to simply let it run its course and hope that people forgot or that Ari and Ethan actually fell in love. 

People always forgave infidelity if they thought real love was involved.

So, no, Ari’s situation with Ethan was not why McKenzie was bundled up in the backseat of a car on a frigid winter day in London.  It was the other connection Ari had made that was making the studio nervous. 

It was her relationship with Cynthia.

When they had first started getting wind of the women’s connection, McKenzie had thought nothing of it.  Another exec had already visited the set a couple of times since the beginning of filming and reported back was that their relationship seemed friendly and sweet.  Cynthia seemed almost motherly and protective of Ari, while Ari followed her around like a puppy.  It was true that Cynthia was queer, but Ari was notoriously into men, so McKenzie and others from the studio had dismissed the rumors as mere gossip.

The tea had grown a bit hotter in the latter half of filming.  McKenzie was hearing rumors that the women were extremely touchy with one another, always together, and maybe even spending nights at each other’s apartments.  Again, the studio didn’t worry too much about it.  They were so-called “theater kids,” after all, and apparently that breed of performer was especially emotional.

No big deal.

That is, until recently.

The film had wrapped up in the past week and after a few days off to catch their collective breath, Cynthia, Ari, and Jon were meant to be on the move, promoting the movie with interviews, podcasts, and appearances.  Ari was supposed to be in LA, but she had rescheduled her flight four times. 

Four.

When anyone from the studio tried to get a hold of her, her phone went straight to voicemail.  Her team reported back that she was only checking in sporadically and said that she “needed a break.”  There was a feeling that perhaps she was just exhausted and needed some time to breathe, as she hadn’t shown any diva behavior at all during the filming.  But when McKenzie did a little digging and heard of someone seeing Ari and Cynthia together a couple of times in the past week, she had a sinking suspicion that the repeated reschedules were not just to lay low.

Sensing that she needed to investigate the situation personally, McKenzie hopped on the studio’s private jet and flew to London.  She wasn’t 100% sure that what she thought was going on was actually going on.  Maybe the two women were just really good friends, and they were decompressing together.  But maybe it was exactly what it seemed like, and if that was the case, it needed to be stopped.  They already had one scandal to deal with and another one, much less a gay cheating scandal involving the supposedly straight Ari, could ruin the movie before it even saw the light of day.  All their money would be down the tube.

And one thing the studio did not play about was its money.

McKenzie bundled up in her coat and asked the driver to wait for her.  She put the code in to get through the gate and knocked on Cynthia’s door.  After a minute or so, Cynthia appeared at the door, draped in fuzzy pajamas and a big fluffy blanket.  She frowned a little in confusion but smiled.

“Hello.  May I help you?”

One advantage of McKenzie staying in the board room was that neither actress had ever met her, so there was no attempt to cover up whatever they were doing.  In fact, before McKenzie could introduce herself or say anything, Ari’s voice floated from somewhere behind Cynthia.

“Baby, I miss you,” she sang.  “It’s been 32 seconds!”

Cynthia offered an apologetic smile, even as she looked downright giddy at the sound of Ari’s voice.  Ari appeared, draped in her own blanket, and she wrapped her arms around Cynthia from behind and kissed her neck.

“Babe, give me one second,” Cynthia told her, before Ari pulled her down and planted a wet, long kiss on Cynthia’s lips. 

Right in front of McKenzie.  No hesitation.  No apparent recognition that a total stranger was watching them do this. 

It was the kind of recklessness that people only displayed when they were eyeballs-deep in love.

Lord. 

This was worse than McKenzie had thought.  Sex, she could deal with.  The heart eyes floating between the two women in front of her was a totally different ballgame.

It wasn’t until she released Cynthia that Ari turned and seemed to notice that another person was even there.

“Oh, hello,” she smiled.  She turned to Cynthia.  “Did you order food?”

“I’m not delivering food,” McKenzie said before they could start making out or something worse.  Both women looked at her.  “My name is McKenzie Ford.  I’m from the studio.”

The slow motion looks of horror that overtook their faces would have been hilarious in any other situation. Ari’s mouth fell open and every ounce of color drained from her until she was as white as a sheet.  Cynthia just stared, unblinking, like a statue.

McKenzie offered a tight smile.  “We should talk.  Maybe you’d like to put some clothes on and invite me in.”

The next few minutes were some of the most uncomfortable of McKenzie’s life.  Cynthia and Ari disappeared into the back to get dressed and even though she didn’t hear anything, McKenzie could feel the tension.  When they reappeared in the living room, they sat next to each other but didn’t touch.  Like somehow that might make McKenzie forget them kissing right in front of her.

“What are you doing here?” Ari asked quietly.

“You were supposed to be in LA three days ago,” McKenzie said.  “The press tour starts now, and we’ve already had to switch things around because you were a sudden no-show, and you haven’t been answering your phone.”  She looked at both of them.  “I’d heard rumors that you two were getting close, and I had my suspicions that I wanted to confirm for myself.”

Ari and Cynthia looked at each other, and McKenzie felt a slight pang of guilt.  She had never been an overly sentimental woman and she was usually more concerned about the numbers than anyone’s feelings.  But there was something about dressing the two of them down that felt a bit like kicking puppies.

“This has to stop,” she continued, not pulling any punches.  They both opened their mouths, probably to deny it or minimize it or whatever, but McKenzie held up her hand.  “I don’t want to know the details.  I don’t care what you’re doing here and whether you have each other turned upside down or whatever.  I do, however, care about the studio’s gigantic investment in this project.  This,” she said, pointing between the two of them, “threatens the movie.  We cannot afford another scandal, and a lesbian love affair between the two leads is a pretty big scandal.”

Cynthia had the decency to look guilty, but Ari puffed up her chest and headed straight for indignation.

“It’s 2024.  Lesbian love affairs aren’t the scandal they used to be.  Most of the people seeing this movie will be gay or at least open.  They won’t care!”

“Maybe they won’t,” McKenzie conceded, “but we aren’t shooting for just the gay population, are we?  We also want families, and women, and underrepresented groups, some of which are decidedly not gay.  And isn’t she in a relationship?” McKenzie asked, still looking at Ari but nodding towards Cynthia.  “Do you really want to be called a homewrecker for the second time on the same movie?”

Ari’s jaws tightened and her face turned red, and she started to say something, but Cynthia reached over and took her hand.  She didn’t say a word; just looked at Ari.  And Ari deflated and closed her mouth.

Interesting.

“And you,” McKenzie said to Cynthia.  “You’re about to become a household name.  If you come out with Ari, you’ll go from a rising megastar to just one of Ariana Grande’s exes.  Is that what you want?”

A palpable sadness took over Cynthia’s eyes, and McKenzie almost felt bad again.

“That’s a lie!” Ari said to Cynthia, her voice sounding like it was on the verge of tears.  “You know that, don’t you?  I don’t ever want you to be my ex, and I would never stand in the way of your success. I want everyone to see how amazing you are.”

“I know,” Cynthia said quietly, squeezing the hand that was still in hers.

Ari turned to McKenzie, fury behind her tears.  “Why are you saying that?  That’s not true.”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s true.  It’s what people will say.  And if you can’t handle hearing it from me, you certainly can’t handle hearing it from people who hate you and just want another reason to rake you over the coals.  You’ll never shake the homewrecker reputation.  Have you thought about what that would do to your career as an actress?  Who would want to work with someone they’re afraid will screw everyone on set?  And have you even thought about what it would mean to come out as gay or bi or whatever you are?  Has that even crossed your mind?”

“People already know I’m bi,” Ari said, angrily wiping tears from her eyes.  “I’ve said it in a song.”

“It’s a song,” McKenzie said, completely dismissing it.  “Songs aren’t always true.  You’ve never officially come out, and is this really the way you want to do it?  By taking the limelight that should be Cynthia’s?  Nobody will remember her amazing performance.  They’ll just remember this as the movie where she turned you gay.”

It was a dirty trick, McKenzie knew.  In the short amount she had been in the room with them, she could tell their feelings were real.  She didn’t really think Ari would try to take the limelight, but it would happen, whether she wanted it to or not.  She was Ariana Grande, for God’s sake.

The tears really started to flow then, and Ari looked at Cynthia again.

“I would never try to take your spotlight,” she swore, her voice cracking.

Cynthia smiled as much as she could at her and then scooted over to wrap her arms around Ari.  Ari sniffled and hugged her, while Cynthia told it was okay, that she knew she wouldn’t do that, that these were things they needed to consider.

It was all very…sweet.  McKenzie had not expected that.

“This ends today,” she said, in a tone that left no room for disagreement.

Ari kept her face in Cynthia’s neck, but Cynthia looked at McKenzie and nodded.

“Ari, you need to stay in this relationship with Ethan for the foreseeable future.  I’ve already discussed it with your team and you can hash out the details with them.”

Ari yanked her face away and shot more daggers at McKenzie.  “I don’t want to be with him.”

“I don’t care.  You made your bed and now you need to sleep in it.  The only thing worse than taking a man from his wife and newborn is taking a man from his wife and newborn and then dumping him.  You can’t come out of this smelling like a rose, but you can certainly come out of it smelling like shit if you don’t make better choices.”

Ari’s eyes blazed with fury.

“Please don’t speak to her like that,” Cynthia said.  Her voice was steady and calm, authoritative despite the power disparity between them.  “We understand.  You don’t have to shame her.”

McKenzie thought about fighting back, but decided against it.

“As long as we’re clear,” she said.

“We are.”

Then, Cynthia’s eyes blazed a little, too.

Interesting.

McKenzie nodded and stood up.  She took in the sight of them: these two dynamic women in their tiny little bodies, hugging and comforting each other, both of them looking like they might be willing to physically fight her for their love.

It was all so gay and adorable and McKenzie’s heart softened just a smidge.

“I expect you both back in LA by Friday,” she said, as she started to walk towards the door.

“But…I thought you said this had to end tonight?  Friday is in two days,” Ari said.

McKenzie turned back to them and sighed.

“Yes.  It is.”

She didn’t explain but she hoped they understood that she was giving them an extra day, which she would deny if anyone ever asked her.

When she got back in her car, she called her boss.

“Well?” he answered in his usual gruff tone.

“They’re together,” she said.  “And they’re definitely fucking.”

“Christ on a bike,” he said in a voice just shy of a scream.

“And worse, they’re in love.”

“Jesus!”

McKenzie bit back a laugh.

“I think it’s handled.  Pretty sure I put the fear of God in them about what this could do to their careers.”

“I hope so.  We don’t need any more of this shit.  First, Jon plants 9 million fucking tulips without our permission!  Then this shit with Ethan.  And now this?  What the fuck was happening on that set?”

The question seemed rhetorical, so McKenzie chose to ignore it.

“It’s not all bad,” she said.  “They’re protective of each other.  They defend each other.  I think even if they were willing to trash their own careers, they wouldn’t want to trash each other’s.  I think we’re safe.”

What she didn’t say was that she could also see a time where Ari and Cynthia being together might actually be excellent marketing.  They had great chemistry.  They looked good together.  It was hard to be in their presence and not feel something.  That might actually work to their advantage at some point.

Not now. 

But later. 

Maybe.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which there is a promise

The minute McKenzie left, Ari had a meltdown.

She cried like her world had just imploded, and that was honestly how she felt.  Her body was so heavy and her lungs felt like too small.  She couldn’t breathe, and before she sank to the floor, Cynthia was there.  She wrapped her arms around Ari, hugging her tightly and reminding her to slow down and take deep breaths.

“I’m here, love,” she said over and over.  “It’s okay.  I’m here with you.  We’ll figure this out.”  She rubbed Ari’s back and then leaned down so her face was in Ari’s tear-stained line of vision.  “Hey, I’m here, okay?”

But seeing her concerned face, her big brown eyes staring at Ari with so much tenderness and affection, only made Ari cry harder.  Cynthia stood up again and hugged her, and Ari wrapped her arms around Cynthia’s neck and buried her face in her skin as she continued to cry.

The rest of the day was a blur of tears and hugs and promises that everything would be okay.  Ari didn’t remember eating or showering, but when they got into bed that night, she was fed and clean and all she wanted to do was be as close to Cynthia as possible.  She slept on top of her, arms wrapped around Cynthia’s body like she would never get to sleep with her again.

Because maybe she wouldn’t.

She was so exhausted from the crying and emotional overwhelm that she was only vaguely aware of Cynthia whispering, “I’m going for a run,” early the next morning.  When Ari awoke fully, the sun sliding in through the blinds, it was just her and the dogs in bed.  It was disorienting to wake up without Cynthia.  The cold spot where her warm body should have been felt like a bucket of ice on Ari’s head.

She buried her head in the pillow, inhaling Cynthia’s scent, and then she scooted herself across the bed and grabbed her phone off the nightstand.  She sat up a little straighter when she saw that it was 9:30. Cynthia was always back by 7, and Ari’s heart immediately beat a little harder than usual.  She went to her messages, but she didn’t have any from Cynthia.  She called her, but it went directly to voicemail.

Ari tried really hard not to spiral.  She got up, used the bathroom, and took the dogs for a walk.  She bundled up in all her warmest clothes and she was still freezing when she hurried back inside, so she couldn’t imagine how cold Cynthia must have been.

When 10:30 came and went, Ari was well and truly worried.  What if something had happened to Cynthia?  What if someone had hit her and she was lying in a ditch somewhere, bloody and unconscious?  Or worse, dead.  Panic began to set in, and Ari’s chest felt so tight that it seemed like she couldn’t get any air into her lungs.  She called Cynthia again and again and again, but each time, the calls went straight to voicemail.  She seriously considered getting in a car and driving around to look for her, when the front door opened and a blast of frigid air swept through the living room.  Cynthia walked in, dressed in not nearly enough clothes for the weather, and Ari raced to her and jumped into her arms.

“Oh my God, where were you?” she asked, on the verge of tears.

Cynthia looked at her like she was crazy.  “I told you I was going for a run.”

“You’re never gone that long! I thought you were hurt!”

Cynthia removed Ari’s arms from around her neck and took a step back, and Ari felt exactly how she’d felt when she’d woken up and Cynthia’s spot was empty and cold. 

Cynthia had never extracted Ari from her like that before.

“I’m fine,” she said, not making eye contact as she busied herself with taking off her shoes.  “I just needed some time to clear my head.”

Ari watched her, an ominous feeling starting to grow from the pit of her stomach.

“Okay,” she said slowly.  “Well, what do you want to do today?”

“Pack,” was all Cynthia said before she disappeared into the back.

Ari stood still where she was, wondering if she had woken up in the Twilight Zone, and she heard the shower running.  She told herself that she was just being silly, like she had been a few minutes ago when she had convinced herself that Cynthia was dead in a ditch somewhere just because she didn’t come back soon enough.  She took a couple of deep breaths and reminded herself that even though they were about to separate, everything was okay.  They loved each other, and they would work it out.

She smiled when she thought about joining Cynthia in the shower.  Nothing would make them both feel better than a round of vigorous shower sex.  Ari nodded to herself and headed to the bathroom, but when she tried to open the door, it was locked.

They didn’t lock the bathroom door.  Ever.

The ominous feeling grew but Ari again tried to stifle it.  It wasn’t how they normally operated, but it was also wasn’t unusual for someone to want privacy in the bathroom.  She could feel the panic sprouting legs so it could trample all over her brain, but she took another deep breath and shook her head.

“Nope, not doing that,” she said to herself.

Her stomach grumbled and she decided that maybe she could also use some more fresh air.  She bundled up again and made the fifteen-minute walk to a small café that served breakfast they both liked.  She did her absolute best to keep her mind out of the depressed gutter and even managed a smile as she ordered their favorites.  While she trudged back home, she purposely only thought about things she had to do.  Pack.  Call some people back.  Get a grasp on her upcoming schedule, etc.

When she let herself back into Cynthia’s place, she called out to her, but Cynthia didn’t answer.  Her heart froze for a minute, wondering if Cynthia had left again, but then she heard her humming in the bedroom.

Relief hit her like a freight train.  Humming was a good sign.

She left the food on the kitchen counter and went to the bedroom, hoping to be wrapped up in a hug.  Instead, Cynthia had her luggage open on the bed as she folded clothes and placed them inside.  She was also wearing headphones.  Another oddity.  They always listened to music out loud, together, so they could sing and dance and be close.  Wearing headphones felt like the equivalent of locking the bathroom door.

“Cynthia,” she said, but Cynthia didn’t hear her.  She tapped her on the shoulder, and Cynthia didn’t even take her headphones off.

“Yeah,” she said.

Worry transformed into irritation, and Ari pulled the headphones off Cynthia’s ears.

“What is going on with you?” she asked.

“Nothing.  I’m packing,” Cynthia said, never taking her eyes off the task at hand.

“Hey.”  Ari took her harm and gently tugged it until Cynthia stopped.  “Look at me.  Talk to me.”

Cynthia just stared at her clothes for a long moment before she finally looked up at Ari.  The warm tenderness Ari had grown so accustomed to was nowhere to be found. 

“What is going on with you?” she asked again, this time in a voice that was barely above a whisper.

“I told you, I’m packing.”

“No, what you’re doing is avoiding me, and I want to know why.”

Cynthia sighed loudly and pulled her arm away from Ari, so she could get back to putting her clothes in her bag.

“I’m not avoiding you.”

“Yes, you are!  You stayed out way longer than usual this morning.  Your phone was turned off.  You locked the bathroom door.  And now you won’t even look at me.”

“We leave tomorrow, and I’m preparing for that.  Don’t make it something that it’s not.”

She went back to what she was doing, and put her headphones back on.  Ari stood there, unable to comprehend how distant Cynthia was being, while Cynthia moved around her like she wasn’t even there. 

Ari sank onto the bed, unsure of what to do.  Tears formed in her eyes and she quickly wiped them away because she wasn’t sure this version of Cynthia would comfort her.  She did her best to not feel so emotional, and she just watched Cynthia move about the room for the next several minutes.  What had changed so drastically over night?  The only thing she could think of was McKenzie’s visit.  Of course, that was upsetting.  But Cynthia had seemed completely fine.  She’d spent the whole night comforting Ari and promising her that they would figure it out.  She’d hugged and kissed and cuddled her all day and night.

So why was she suddenly different?

When she finally couldn’t take it anymore, she touched Cynthia’s arm again.

“Hey,” she said softly.  Cynthia looked at her, but only for a moment before she looked away again.

“Yeah,” she responded.

“We need to talk about what’s happening right now.  Are you upset about McKenzie’s visit?  Is that why you’re acting like this?”

“God, Ari,” Cynthia groaned, and it wasn’t in a sexy way.  “We have to go back to the real world tomorrow.  We can’t spend the whole day surgically attached to one another and just pretend this isn’t happening.  It’s going to hurt no matter what, so it’s best to just rip the band-aid off and be done with it.”

Ari couldn’t stop the tears that formed, and she thought she saw Cynthia’s hand twitch like she was going to wipe them away for her, but then she balled up her fist and kept it by her side.

“Is that what you’ve been doing all day?  Ripping the band-aid off?” Ari asked quietly.

“What else would you have me do?” Cynthia asked, looking and sounding exasperated.

“Talking to me would be nice.  Holding each other.  Making the most of our last day…”

“For what?  We can’t hold each other starting tomorrow.  Why prolong the inevitable?”

“Cyn, please.  Please don’t shut me out like this.”

“I’m not shutting you out.  I’m being practical.  We’ve already been warned and we’ve been acting like stupid teenagers all week.  Somebody has to be the adult in the room.”

Ari recoiled like she had been slapped in the face, and that feeling of having ice water dumped on her head resurfaced.  She stepped back, and Cynthia’s shoulders slumped and she finally reached out to her.

“Ari…”

But Ari didn’t answer her. Instead, she went to the bathroom and gathered all her things.  She could barely see what she was doing through the haze of tears, so she blindly grabbed everything that looked like it was hers and threw it all in a bag.  She wiped her tears with the back of her hand and went back to the bedroom, where she pulled all of her pajamas and overnight things out of the drawers that had unofficially become hers over the past year.

“Ari, love,” Cynthia started, sounding more like her usual self. 

Ari ignored her and tossed everything haphazardly into her overnight bag.  She was zipping it up when Cynthia took her arm and tried to get her to stop.

“I’m sorry,” Cynthia said.

“It’s fine,” Ari told her, even as she continued to cry.  “You’re right.  I’m acting stupid, and I need to go home and pack, too.”

“You’re not acting stupid. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“But you did.”  Ari turned to her and when she saw the pained look on Cynthia’s face, she almost gave in.  But then she remembered how Cynthia had been acting all morning and how awful it made her feel, and she toughened up.  “I’m going home.”

“If you give me like, an hour, I’ll come with you.”

“No,” Ari said, even though that was the exact opposite of what she really wanted.  “You stay here, and I’ll go there, and we’ll do what you said and rip the band-aid off.”  She pulled her overnight bag over her shoulder.  “Like adults.”

She left Cynthia in the room and with shaking hands, she requested a ride home.  She stood by the door, continuously wiping her eyes, for the whole ten minutes it took for the driver to arrive.  She leashed her dogs and left without another word to Cynthia, and she cried in the backseat the whole way home.

Once she was back at her place, she let the dogs run free, dropped everything at the front door, and went to her bed and cried some more.  The pain was so intense, she felt like her heart might rip in two.  It was bad enough to have to be separated from Cynthia, but for Cynthia to be so cold to her when she needed her the most made it that much worse.  She felt like she wanted to be anywhere but in her own body, so she popped up and went to the kitchen and poured herself a very healthy glass of wine.  She downed it as fast as she could handle and the buzz was immediate.

Her first thought was to call Cynthia and cry or scream or beg her to come over, but she settled for going through all their texts and voice notes and pictures and videos.  Her lips trembled and her eyes stung, but before she could cry yet again, she swiped out of all that and scrolled through her contact list for someone else to talk to.  Someone else to pay attention to her, to love her, to make her feel wanted.

She landed on Ethan’s name.

He’d called her multiple times throughout the week and she had ignored each one, when her phone was even on.  She recalled McKenzie saying that she needed to make it work with Ethan, at least for the time being, and what better time to start than that very moment? 

sorry been busy, she texted.  r u still in London

His response was immediate.

Yeah! I was starting to worry about you.

Ari’s stomach twisted but she pressed on.

come over

He was there within the hour. 

It was fine at first because Ari was drunk and everyone was more tolerable when she was drunk.  She side-stepped each attempt to touch her or be close, but she inhaled his attention.  He told her how much he missed her, that she was so beautiful, that he had been thinking about her all week. Even though she didn’t feel any of those things for him, his words were like a patch job on the Cynthia-shaped hole in her heart.

He hung around for a few hours and even helped her pack.  (Because, honestly, what was the point of having a man over if he wasn’t put to work?)  As the day shifted to night and Ari didn’t get a single message or call from Cynthia, the wine high wore off, her mood deteriorated and so did her patience.  Ethan was clearly trying to get an invitation to spend the night, and she just didn’t have the mental capacity for it.

“So, thanks,” she said as she walked towards the front door, hoping he would get the picture.

“No problem,” he said with a big smile.  “Did you want company tonight?”

She really did.  Just not his.

She was saved from coming up with an excuse where there was a knock on the door.  Ari swung it open without even looking, and her heart stuttered when she saw Cynthia, both dogs in her arms and her eyes bloodshot like she had been crying.  She looked pitiful, and Ari had to fight the urge to yank her inside.

“Hey,” she said instead.

“Can I come in?” Cynthia asked, her voice soft and tired.

Before Ari could answer, Ethan peeked from behind Ari’s shoulder.

“Oh, hey, Cynthia.”

Cynthia’s eyes went from Ari’s, to his, and back to Ari’s.  The pain in her face tripled right in front of Ari’s eyes.

“You have company,” she said.  “Sorry to bother.”

She turned to leave but Ari grabbed her arm and stopped her.

“You’re not bothering,” Ari promised.  “Ethan is just on his way out.”

She looked at him and gave him the most unsubtle eyebrow raise, and he nodded.

“Oh.  Yeah.  Right.”

He slid past them and waved, and Ari gave him a halfhearted wave before pulling Cynthia inside and shutting the door.  Ari watched, her heart warming a little, as the dogs reunited like they hadn’t seen each other in years instead of just hours.  Cynthia looked at Ari with sad eyes and slumped shoulders.

“Give me your coat,” Ari said gently.

They moved together quietly as Cynthia handed Ari the coat and took off her shoes.  They stood awkwardly in the doorway for a moment.  The whole day caught up to her and Ari just didn’t have the energy to be mad anymore, especially when Cynthia looked so pathetic.  She approached Cynthia and wrapped her arms around her, and her heart melted when Cynthia returned the gesture.  Ari’s entire mood changed because being so close to Cynthia again after the tense day felt like coming home.  She could have stayed like that forever, and then Cynthia began to sob into her shoulder.

“Aww, baby,” Ari whispered.

“I’m sorry,” Cynthia cried.  “I’m sorry for how I treated you earlier.”

“It’s okay,” Ari hushed.

“No, it’s not.  I was trying to hold it in so I could be strong for you but it just made me shut down.”

She kept crying and Ari felt horrible.  She closed her eyes and rocked Cynthia in her arms, telling her it was okay just like Cynthia had done for her the night before.

“I didn’t want you to leave,” Cynthia said, squeezing Ari so closely to her that Ari could feel her heart beating.  “I’ve been upset since you left.  I don’t know how to handle this at all.”

Ari kept rocking her and rubbing her back.  It broke her heart to hear and see Cynthia so distraught.  But there was a part of her that was happy, too.  Not happy to see the woman she loved so upset, of course.  But happy that Cynthia cared enough to be upset.  She cared enough to apologize and seek Ari out and let her guard down.  There was something about that that fortified Ari’s spirit.  And instead of crying along with her, she felt like she could be the strong one this time.

She pulled away enough for them to look at each other, and she wiped Cynthia’s face with both thumbs.

“You don’t have to be strong for me,” she said.  “You’re already so strong all the time.  You don’t have to do that for me, okay?”

“But you were so sad,” Cynthia said, her big brown eyes round and worried.  “I didn’t think I could be sad, too.”

“Of course you can,” Ari smiled, wiping her tears again.  “You’re amazing, but you’re not superwoman.  It’s okay to feel however you feel with me.  I promise.”

Cynthia sniffled and nodded.  “But I wasted our whole last day together, and I feel awful about that.”

“You didn’t waste it.  You were right.  We did need to pack.  Now we’ve done that and we still have the whole night ahead of us.  We can make the most of it.”

She hadn’t meant to say that suggestively, but it kind of came out that way and her heart fluttered at the half smile Cynthia did.

“Yeah?  And how will we do that?”

“I mean, I can think of a few ways.”

Cynthia chuckled and then pulled Ari close and buried her face in her neck again.  Ari did the same, and they swayed together in their embrace until Cynthia’s sniffling stopped.

“I love you so much,” Ari whispered in her ear.  “You’re everything to me.  I don’t know what this next phase will look like, but just know how much I want you and need you, and I’ll take you however I can have you.”

Cynthia nodded and brushed her lips against Ari’s neck.  “I feel the same.”

It was the most settled Ari had felt since McKenzie’s visit.

“Is it time for makeup sex?” she asked, as she nipped at Cynthia’s earlobe.

Cynthia moaned and kissed her neck.  “Please.”

Ari took Cynthia's hand and led her to the bedroom, their eyes locked in an intense gaze. As soon as they crossed the threshold, Cynthia pulled Ari close and kissed her deeply, pouring all of her emotions from the day into it. Ari responded with equal fervor, her hands all over Cynthia's body as if trying to memorize every curve and plane.

They undressed each other slowly, savoring each newly revealed patch of skin with reverent touches and kisses. When they were finally naked, Ari gently pushed Cynthia onto the bed and crawled on top of her, their bodies fitting together perfectly.

"I'm so sorry for how I acted earlier," Cynthia whispered, her eyes glistening. "I never want to hurt you."

"Shh, it's okay," Ari soothed, kissing away a tear that had slipped down Cynthia's cheek. "We're here now. That's all that matters."

Cynthia nodded and pulled Ari down for another passionate kiss. Their hands roamed freely, reacquainting themselves with each other's bodies. Ari trailed kisses down Cynthia's neck, savoring the soft sighs and moans she elicited. She took her time, worshipping every inch of Cynthia's skin with her lips and tongue.

When she finally settled between Cynthia's thighs, Ari looked up to meet her lover's eyes. The love and desire she saw there nearly took her breath away. She maintained that eye contact as she lowered her mouth, determined to convey all of her emotions through her actions.

Ari lavished attention on Cynthia with slow, deliberate strokes of her tongue. She savored every taste and texture, committing it all to memory. Cynthia's fingers tangled in Ari's hair, urging her closer as soft moans of pleasure escaped her lips.

They moved together in perfect synchronicity.  After she had worked her up enough, Ari slipped two fingers inside, curling them just so as her tongue continued its dance. Cynthia arched off the bed.

“Ari,” she gasped. “Baby, yes, don’t stop. Don’t stop.”

Ari sucked on her clit and curled her fingers just the way Cynthia liked it, and Cynthia’s gripped her head and held her in place.

“Oh, God, I’m so close,” she said. Ari kept working her, harder and harder until Cynthia screamed and her legs trapped Ari’s head between her thighs. “I love you!” she screamed. “I love you, I love you.”

Ari moaned and nearly came from those words alone.

When Cynthia came down from her high, Ari pressed kisses all over her thighs and stomach and worked her way up Cynthia’s body. Cynthia pulled her down for a desperate kiss.

“Come up here,” she whispered, tugging on Ari’s hips.

Ari got the message and moved her body until she was straddling Cynthia’s face. Cynthia wrapped her hands around Ari’s thighs and dove in, tasting her like she hadn’t eaten all day.

“Fuck,” Ari groaned.

Ari gripped the headboard, her knuckles turning white as Cynthia's tongue worked magic between her thighs. She rocked her hips, grinding down against Cynthia's eager mouth.

"Oh God, baby," Ari moaned. "That feels so good."

Cynthia hummed in response, the vibrations sending shockwaves of pleasure through Ari's body. Her skilled tongue alternated between broad strokes and focused attention on Ari's clit, building her higher and higher.

Ari looked down, meeting Cynthia's eyes. The intensity of her gaze, combined with the exquisite sensations, pushed Ari right to the edge.

“You’re so fucking sexy,” she groaned. 

Cynthia redoubled her efforts, gripping Ari's hip to steady her as she pushed her tongue deeper. Ari's thighs began to tremble as she approached her peak.

"Oh God, Cynthia!" Ari cried out as an orgasm crashed over her. Her body shuddered and her back arched as she came hard, pushing herself as far into Cynthia’s mouth as she could get. Cynthia moaned and held her there, letting herself be suffocated, and that only made Ari come harder. Her hips jerked and her eyes rolled back as her orgasm ravaged her over and over until her hips finally stopped pumping and she slumped down.

Cynthia gently lapped at her, easing her through the aftershocks until Ari collapsed onto the bed beside her. They lay there for a moment, breathing heavily and basking in the afterglow.

They turned to face each other at the same time, which caused both of them to giggle.  Cynthia leaned over to cup Ari’s cheek, and Ari leaned in to kiss her.  They kissed over and over, soft and sweet, and when Ari rested her head on Cynthia’s chest, she sighed in contentment.

“We’ll get through this, right?” she asked.

“We will.  You’re my person.”

Ari smiled and nuzzled in closer.  “And you’re mine.”

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which reality sets in

Cynthia hardly needed an alarm clock to wake up anymore. 

After so many years of getting up early to work out or meditate or simply have a quiet moment before the world came alive, her body was programmed to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn (Ari’s words). 

When Cynthia woke well before the sun rose, her inclination was to get up and go for a run or do some yoga or otherwise move her body.

After everything that had gone down between her and Ari the past day, though, she felt it was best to stay exactly where she was: holding Ari as the younger woman slept and every now and then, gently snored into her neck.  After all, it would be their last morning like this, and Cynthia didn’t want Ari to feel like she had been abandoned her to deal with her emotions alone.

Emotions that Cynthia was also feeling.

As she gently scratched her nails against Ari’s scalp, earning a soft murmur even in Ari’s sleep, Cynthia replayed everything that McKenzie had said to them.  The way she had delivered her opinions hadn’t been kind, but that didn’t mean she was wrong.  Ari had already caused a scandal by being involved with Ethan.  People would jump to the conclusion that Cynthia, an out queer Black woman, had somehow corrupted the sweet innocent pop star and “turned her gay.”  They did risk putting the movie in jeopardy, which was something Cynthia could barely think about after all the hard work and love they had poured into the project.  She and Ari had only been sleeping together for a week, and the solution was obvious and should have been easy.

They needed to break up, go back to being friends, and screw their heads on straight.

Cynthia knew that practically.

But emotionally…she was struggling.

Because despite all the common sense in the world, the fact was that she had fallen in love with Ari.  Hard.  She’d fallen in love with her silliness.  Her quirks.  Her beautiful voice.  She’d fallen in love with the way they could talk to each other about anything and everything.  The way she felt safe to be herself with Ari, whether she was the version of herself that was hard or soft or somewhere in the middle. 

She’d fallen in love with the way Ari loved her, because it was the first time in her life anyone had loved her so openly and sweetly and completely.  Just for who she was.

How could she be expected to give that up?

Cynthia’s nose tingled and her eyes burned and she was crying before she could stop herself.  She pressed her lips together and quickly and furiously wiped her eyes, but the heaving of her chest gave her away.  Ari sat up, groggy and confused, but she quickly focused when she saw Cynthia doing her best to stifle the tears.

“Hey, hey,” she whispered.  “What’s the matter?  What’s wrong?”

Cynthia shook her head, trying to control it, but she couldn’t.

“I really love you,” she admitted.

“Aww, Cyn,” Ari said, as she wiped the tears away and kissed her over and over.  “I love you, too.”

Cynthia pulled Ari closer, wrapping her as tightly in her arms as she could imagine.  Skin on skin. Breathing the same air.  Not an inch of space between them.

But it still wasn’t close enough. 

She dragged her nose up Ari’s neck, inhaling her and memorizing the feel and scent.  She ran her hands up and down Ari’s body, taking her time to truly feel every inch of her.  She wanted to collect every part of this moment and save it forever.  Put in a bottle that she could open whenever she needed or wanted to.

Ari found Cynthia’s lips and soft kisses turned desperate and messy.  Ari’s hands were everywhere: on Cynthia’s shoulders, her stomach, her chest, her head.  Anywhere she could reach.  Cynthia knew somewhere in the back of her mind that they should stop.  They were separating in just a few hours, and physical intimacy was only going to make the separation that much harder.  She almost told Ari as much.  But then Ari said:

“Make love to me.”

And Cynthia lost all her sense.

She’d had a lot of sex in her life.  Had screwed and fucked and been in lust and deeply in like.  But she had rarely made love to anyone, and there was no way she would turn Ari down.

Cynthia rolled Ari onto her back, hovering over her and drinking in the sight of her. Ari's eyes were wide and dark, her lips parted slightly as she gazed up at Cynthia with such open adoration that it made Cynthia's heart ache. She lowered herself slowly, pressing their bodies together from chest to toes, savoring every point of contact.

"I love you," Cynthia whispered again, her voice thick with emotion. She brushed her lips against Ari's forehead, her cheeks, the tip of her nose. "I love you so much."

Ari's hands came up to frame Cynthia's face, her thumbs stroking gently along her cheekbones.

"Show me," she breathed.

And Cynthia did. She poured every ounce of her feelings into each caress. Their lovemaking was slow, deliberate, each touch infused with meaning and longing. Cynthia worshipped Ari's body with her hands and mouth, drawing out soft sighs and whimpers. She committed every reaction to memory, every sound and moan.

They took turns pleasing each other until the sun came up. Then they made love in the shower, and on the bathroom counter, and against the wall. They wore out every flat surface in the apartment until it was finally time to come up for air in the form of Ari’s flight back to the States. Cynthia still had a day of freedom baked into her schedule and her flight was the next day. But she wasn’t going to miss the opportunity to see Ari off.

The ride to the airport was subdued. They sat in the back of the SUV, holding hands and not talking. Even the dogs seemed to sense the somber mood.  The four of them, usually a raucous little bunch, sat quietly, curled up and occasionally popping their heads up to look at Ari and Cynthia with eyes that suggested maybe they were sad, too.

A million things ran through Cynthia’s mind: almost all of them focused on how they would end things. She wanted to say just the right thing, but she didn’t know what that right thing was. Her brain was scrambled from all the feelings and the sex and the dread of returning to the real world.

“Here we are, ladies,” the driver said.

Ari’s grip on Cynthia’s hands tightened, and her eyes were as big as if she had to walk the plank.

“Could you give us a moment?” Cynthia asked.

The driver took the hint and nodded outside. “I’ll take myself for a walk.”

“Thank you.”

Once he was out of the car, and it was just the two of them, Cynthia gave Ari as reassuring a smile as she could muster.

“You’ll let me know when you’ve landed?” she asked, doing her best to keep the sadness out of her voice.

“Yes.”

Cynthia opened her mouth to say something, but then faltered. She’d come up with about 47 speeches on the way to the airport, but suddenly, her mind was blank. While she racked her brain for what to say, Ari whispered, "I don't want to go.”

Cynthia's heart clenched. She wanted nothing more than to tell Ari to stay, to forget about the consequences and just be together. But she knew that wasn't an option. They had responsibilities to think about.  They had made a lot of promises the night before, but in the clear light of day, she wasn’t sure how realistic those promises were.

"I know, baby," Cynthia said softly, reaching out to cup Ari's cheek. "But we have to do this. For the movie, for our careers. It's just... it's just not the right time for us."

Ari nodded, a tear slipping down her cheek. Cynthia wiped it away with her thumb.

"Hey," Cynthia said, trying to inject some lightness into her voice. "This isn't goodbye forever. We’ll see each other soon.”

“But it won’t be the same.” She looked at Cynthia with those baby deer eyes. “What are we supposed to do now? Act like we’re just friends?”

She said “friends” like it tasted of battery acid.

“We are friends,” Cynthia reminded her. “You’ve become my best friend, haven’t you?”

Ari looked down at their combined hands and nodded.

“And we’ll still love each other,” Cynthia continued.  “Nobody can take that from us. We’ll just express our love a little differently than we have been for the past week. That’s all.”

“I don’t want to just be friends.”

“I don’t either, doll, but what’s the alternative?”

Ari’s sad eyes were back on her when she said, “I’ll wait for you.”

Fuck.

Cynthia hung her head and berated herself. She should have known that this was where Ari’s head was at. Ari who looked at her like she personally hung the moon.

“Baby girl,” she said seriously. “No. I can’t ask you to do that. We have two movies to promote over the next two years. It’s not fair for me to ask you to wait that long.”

“You’re not asking. I’m offering. I’ll do it, I swear.”

“I know you will, and I don’t want that.” At Ari’s pained face, Cynthia quickly added, “you’re young. You’re gorgeous. There are a million people who could love you and who would want to try. Ethan obviously wants you. The studio wants you to ride it out with him for a while, anyway. You should give it a real go with him.”

The words tasted like the aforementioned battery acid, and Cynthia hated to say them.  But she felt like it was the right thing to do.

Ari’s face morphed into one of anger. Her nostrils flared and she pulled her hands away from Cynthia’s.

“That’s what you want? You’re done with me, so you’re pushing me off on him?”

“No, babe…”

“Is this so you can go back to Lena?”

Cynthia didn’t think it was prudent to point out that she wasn’t “going back” to Lena because she had never actually left her. The conversation was spiraling into something she didn’t want, so she reached over and gently took Ari’s hands again.

“I know you’re upset. I know you’re sad. I am, too. Let’s please not end this on a fight.”

Ari looked out the window, her face turned away from Cynthia, and Cynthia tried again.

“What we have is really special,” she said. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but McKenzie made some good points. We can’t risk everything we’ve worked for. We can’t let our personal feelings jeopardize this thing that we have poured our whole souls into. I don’t want that for me, and I certainly don’t want that for you.”

Ari was silent.

“This doesn’t mean I don’t want you,” Cynthia added.

That, finally, seemed to be the right thing to say. Ari slowly turned to look at her, her eyes shimmering with tears. She wiped her face and tried to look unbothered.

“So what does this mean, then? How are we supposed to act around each other?”

“Like friends?” Cynthia offered. When Ari grimaced, she corrected to, “like sisters?”

Ari scoffed. Outrage burned in her eyes.

“Sisters?! Do you do to your sister what you were doing to me all morning?”

Cynthia sighed. “Please, Ari, I’m trying. Please meet me halfway.  I want you in my life, and not just as a coworker.  You told me last night that you would take me any way you could have me, and this is the only way we can have each other right now.”

Silence stretched between them for several long moments. Cynthia felt desperate to say or do anything to get that terrible look off Ari’s face. Then, Ari took a deep breath, sat up straighter, and glued a smile onto her lips.

“Okay. Fine. Friends, it is.”

She stuck her hand out, and Cynthia almost laughed.

“I’m not shaking your hand.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s ridiculous. We’re not business partners. Or worse, strangers.”

Ari's forced smile faltered. "Then what are we, Cynthia?” Cynthia flinched at being called by her government name.  “Because I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to pretend like I’m not in love with you."

And Cynthia didn’t have an answer for that. So she looked at the rigid outstretched hand, and she shook it.

“Great,” Ari said.

She swung her door open, ready to walk away.  Cynthia felt like her world was collapsing and she didn’t know how to fix it; but she did know she didn’t want things to end the way they were ending.

Just one more kiss, she thought. If they kissed each other one last time, it would remind both of them that even though this was hard, their love wasn’t going anywhere.

She must have had that look on her face, because Ari’s expression cracked.

“If you kiss me, I swear to God, I’ll fucking lose it,” she said, her voice hard and shaky at the same time.

So Cynthia didn’t kiss her.

She watched, helpless, as Ari gathered her dogs, got out of the car, and slammed the door. The driver made a few trips back and forth to take her luggage, and Ari disappeared without looking back at Cynthia.

Cynthia sat in the car, stunned and numb. She couldn't believe how quickly everything had fallen apart. Just hours ago, they had been wrapped in each other's arms, whispering (and sometimes screaming) words of love. Now, Ari was gone, leaving behind only the lingering scent of her perfume and a gaping hole in Cynthia's chest.

The driver returned, clearing his throat awkwardly. "Where to now, ma'am?"

Cynthia blinked, realizing she had no idea where to go or what to do. She couldn't bear the thought of returning to the empty apartment, filled with memories of their last passionate days together.

Her phone buzzed. Her heart leapt, hoping it was Ari, but it was her mom.

Come home.

Cynthia nearly broke down right there in the back of the car. Her mom had always had an eerie sense of knowing when Cynthia needed her. And this was right on time.

She gave the driver her mom’s address, and the minute her mom opened the door, Cynthia fell into her arms and cried like a baby.

“Shh, shh, shh,” her mom said, over and over as she rubbed Cynthia’s back. “It’s all right. It’s all right.”

Cynthia prided herself on being strong, on keeping her emotions in check. But now, in her mother's arms, she let it all out. The pain of saying goodbye to Ari, the fear of what the future held, the guilt of hurting someone she loved so deeply.

Cynthia cried until she felt empty, her mom's soft murmurs and gentle hands soothing her as best they could. When she finally pulled away, sniffling and wiping her eyes, her mom led her to the kitchen and sat her down at the table while the dogs scurried off to another room.

"I'll make you some tea," Edith said, moving to put the kettle on.

Cynthia nodded, grateful for the moment to collect herself. She looked around the familiar kitchen.  It felt surreal to be sitting here now, a grown woman with a broken heart, feeling just as lost and confused as she had as a teenager. 

Her mom set a steaming mug in front of her and took the seat across the table. She didn't push, just waited patiently for Cynthia to speak. When Cynthia found herself unable to put it all into words (the joy and stress of shooting two movies, the safe little bubble she’d lived in for nearly two years, the friends she’d made, and Ari…), her mother just raised one eyebrow and nodded.

“You work too hard,” Edith said in that motherly, all-knowing voice. “You’ll work yourself straight into the ground.”

It was a conversation they’d had a million times. Cynthia would normally argue or push back. But if that’s what her mom thought the problem was, she was going to roll with it.

Because that was so much easier than trying to explain the alternative.

“Okay, Mummy,” she said, her voice raw after all that crying.

“Okay, Mummy?” her mom asked, with a disbelieving laugh. “Now I know you’re not yourself! When has my child ever just said ‘okay, mummy’? Has that hard head gone soft?”

Cynthia cracked a smile. “I’m too tired to fight.”

“Too tired or too lovesick?”

Cynthia’s eyes snapped up and her mom just cocked that same eyebrow, as if to say, “do you really want me to go there?”

Cynthia did not.

“Can I stay here tonight?” she asked, because she didn’t want to be alone.

“You can stay here any night.”

They drank tea and Cynthia listened to the latest happenings in her mom’s world, a welcome distraction from the thoughts in her head. When she could barely keep her eyes open anymore, she dragged herself up to her room…which was basically a shrine to her achievements.

The walls and tables were littered with evidence of her time at RADA, on Broadway, in movies, and the like. Pictures of her family and friends were there, too. Cynthia sat on the bed and her eyes fell on a new picture on the nightstand.

One of her and Ari.

It had been taken on one of the many visits they had to Edith’s house.  Cynthia’s eyes glazed over with tears thinking about the first time they had visited. 

“I’m nervous,” Ari said as they waited at the front door.

"Don’t be.  My mum is perfectly nice.”

" Moms don’t always like me,” Ari said, with a grimace.  “Once they Google me, I mean.”

Cynthia snorted. “Well, lucky for you, my mum hates the Internet.”

Edith had been, predictably, a bit cool on Ari at first.  But she was like that with everyone.  It only took about thirty minutes before Ari had her laughing (no small feat) and Cynthia blushing (telling her how “cuuuuute” she was as a baby when Edith busted out the baby photos).

When Ari had arrived that day, she had called Edith “Ms. Erivo.”  About five visits later, Edith had told her to call her “Mama.”  The only other person she let call her that was Capri.  And the fact that a picture of Ari had made it onto the nightstand was basically a stamp of approval from her very-hard-to-please mother.

The photo was one of those lazy summer days when the writer’s strike happened and they were footloose and fancy free.  They had just played a board game with her mom, sister, and Capri.  Edith had stepped back to take a picture of them.  Cynthia and Ari sat next to each other, hands linked.  Cynthia was grinning at the camera.  But Ari was looking at Cynthia.

And, God, had she always looked at Cynthia like that?  Like she was completely in love with her?

Cynthia replayed the scene at the airport, wondering if she had fucked up the best thing that had ever happened to her.

She found some pajamas and changed clothes.  She curled up on the bed, exhausted and hopeful that sleep would come easily.

It didn’t.

Mostly because every time her phone buzzed, she jumped to answer it, hoping it was Ari.  It seemed like she would never hear from her, until the text finally came.

Home.

That was all it said.

Cynthia’s heart thudded, both with relief that Ari had made it and uncertainty about what, if anything, she should say in response.

I love you. 

I miss you. 

P lease come back. 

I don’t want to fight. 

I want to be with you, too. 

I’m sorry I hurt you.

She didn’t say any of it.  Instead, she said: thanks for letting me know.

She sat, frozen, as the response bubbles from Ari popped up and disappeared and popped up and disappeared so many times that Cynthia thought maybe she was having the same struggle about what to say.  She wanted so much for Ari to say she loved her.  But instead, all Ari texted back was:

Np

“UGH!” Cynthia screamed, and she slammed her phone down onto the mattress.  Np?  She couldn’t even be bothered to spell out “no problem”?  Was this what their relationship was going to be like now?

Her rage turned into tears for the tenth time that day, and she didn’t even hear the door open.  Her mom’s warm hands were on her back and then she was in Edith’s arms, crying like a baby yet again.  When she was all cried out, her mom gently took her by the chin.

“What’s meant to be will always be,” she said.  “You hear me?”

Cynthia did hear her, and she nodded.  She let her mom tuck her in, her body exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster of the day.  Edith kissed her forehead.

“That girl’s not going anywhere.  Give it time.”

The next day, Cynthia was back in LA. Back in her home. The minute she stepped inside, she didn’t feel the warmth and excitement she knew that she should feel. She felt disconnected and homesick for another place.

“Hey,” Lena said with a big smile.

“Hey,” Cynthia said.

Her smile was genuine but not the same smile she used to have after long stretches apart. Lena wrapped her up in a hug, and Cynthia returned it, just happy to be on the receiving end of some kind of affection. When Lena kissed her, Cynthia kissed her back.

But when their lips met, she had another realization.

She wasn’t just homesick for another place.

She was homesick for another person.

And that…was going to be a problem.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which they try to be friends

Ari was busy.

Which was good.

Busy meant she didn’t have time to fret over Cynthia or the way her heart shattered every fucking time she so much as thought about Cynthia.

Busy meant she didn’t have to replay everything she had ever said to her.

It meant she didn’t have to think about their last days and hours together, or that disastrous goodbye.

Jesus.  Every time she thought about how she had insisted on a handshake, Ari grimaced.

But, in the spirit of being kind to herself (as her therapist insisted she should be), she was heartbroken.  People do strange things when heartbroken. 

Anyway.  Ari was busy.  Busy promoting her album and starting the soft launch of Wicked.  Busy pretending that she liked Ethan enough to have him in her face 24 hours a day.

Things with Cynthia definitely weren’t good, but they weren’t awful either.  It had been a week since the goodbye at the airport and, to Ari’s complete surprise, Cynthia texted her every day.  Even when Ari didn’t answer.  She’d expected Cynthia to get tired of her non-responses or go back to her regularly-scheduled life and just forget her completely.  Forget them completely. 

That hadn’t happened.  No matter how Ari responded (or didn’t), Cynthia didn’t miss a beat.

Good morning.  I hope you have a good day.

Saw this today and it made me think of you.

My mum asked about you.

Here’s what they want us to wear at the Super Bowl.

I think my dogs miss your dogs.

And Ari’s personal favorite: I really miss you.

That was the one that broke her down.  After much internal debate, she responded with: miss u too.  About five seconds later, Cynthia liked the message.

The next morning, Ari initiated the text exchange with gm.  That evolved into good morning, and then what are you doing today?  She started engaging a little more, and she and Cynthia went back and forth about the Super Bowl outfits. 

Ari found them a bit…tacky.  But Cynthia swore they would look good in them together.

The ice continued to thaw up until the day of the Super Bowl, and when Ari pulled up to the building where they would take some pictures and shoot a little promo, her heart damn near banged out of her chest.

Ari took a deep breath, trying to steady her nerves as she stepped out of the car. She smoothed down her outfit, suddenly self-conscious about how she looked. What if the attraction Cynthia had felt for her before was just…gone?  Maybe it had all been the product of close proximity and in real life, Cynthia wouldn’t even be that into her.

The thought made her heart break a little more.

As she walked into the building, Ari's eyes immediately sought out Cynthia. There she was, chatting with one of the photographers, looking absolutely stunning.  Her makeup was flawless and so glam.  That sequined atrocity that Ari hadn’t been sure about looked so damn sexy on Cynthia that Ari’s breath caught in her throat.

Cynthia turned and their eyes met. For a moment, everything else faded away. Cynthia's face lit up with a warm smile that made Ari's heart skip.

"Hey you," Cynthia said softly as she walked over. "You look amazing."

"Thanks," Ari managed, her voice a bit shaky. "So do you."

There was an awkward pause as they both seemed unsure how to greet each other. Ari's mind flashed back to that cringe-worthy handshake at the airport.

God.

She hated that she didn’t even know how to say “hello” to the woman she was desperately in love with.

Cynthia solved the dilemma by pulling Ari into a gentle hug. Ari tensed for a split second before melting into the embrace, breathing in Cynthia's familiar scent.  Her eyes fluttered closed and for one glorious moment, the world felt like it was back on its axis.

Being in Cynthia’s arms felt like coming home.

"I've missed you," Cynthia whispered.

"Me too," Ari murmured back, allowing herself this moment of vulnerability.

They pulled apart reluctantly when the photographer called them over to start the shoot. As they posed together, Ari found herself relaxing. The easy chemistry between them was still there, despite everything. It didn’t hurt that Cynthia had been right about the outfits after all; they did look good.

“I told you!” Cynthia said, that big grin on her face that Ari loved.

“You did, you did,” Ari conceded, allowing herself to smile, too.

“Come on, you know I’d never steer you wrong fashion-wise, babe.”

Cynthia had said it so easily.  The “babe” rolled off her tongue like it was nothing.  And Ari knew it probably was nothing.  Cynthia called everyone “babe.”  But having it directed at her after everything that had gone on between them felt like a tiny dagger in her chest.

Cynthia caught the look on Ari’s face, and she immediately reached out and said, “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s fine,” Ari said, much more casual than she actually felt.  “You don’t have to change how you talk for me.”

A pained looked flashed in Cynthia’s eyes.  “Still, I…”

“It’s fine,” Ari said, more forcefully.

She was saved from any more awkward conversation about a completely meaningless pet name when it was time to take more pictures and shoot a few scenes of them walking together, arms linked.  They slipped back into their roles as friends just as easily as they had slipped into Elphaba and Glinda.

That, Ari decided, was how she was going to survive all this.  It was just another role.  Just another mask to put on.  She was an actress, after all, and being Cynthia’s totally platonic, not at all romantic, definitely never fucked each other from sunup to sundown friend was just a role.  She could do it.

She had to do it.

They walked arm in arm, looking for all the world like two rich lesbians, and it was both so calming and so unnerving to be close to Cynthia again.  Cynthia didn’t seem nearly as wrecked about it as Ari did, which actually helped Ari try to put her feelings behind her.  If Cynthia could do it, so she could she.

When they were in their seats for the game, Ari was thankful to have other friends with her to ease some of the tension and discomfort she felt.  She asked Victoria to sit between her and Cynthia and she wasn’t sure if she imagined the brief look of disappointment on Cynthia’s face.  It was gone as quickly as it had been there, though, and Cynthia spent the entirety of the game laughing it up and charming Ari’s friends.  Ari couldn’t quite stop the feeling of happiness that her friends liked Cynthia. 

She also couldn’t quite stop the sadness that her friends were meeting Cynthia like this: as her castmate and friend, not as her partner.

“I need to run to the ladies’ room,” Cynthia said as she stood up.

“I’ll go with you,” Ari’s other friend said.

The two of them disappeared from the box, leaving Ari and Victoria.  They had barely left the room before Victoria gave Ari a look.

“Girl, what is going on between you and Cynthia?”

Ari’s eyes widened.  “What?  What do you mean?”

“You two have some kind of energy going on, and I feel like you put me between you so you don’t jump each other in public.”

Ari’s cheeks burned and she shook her head violently.  How could Victoria tell all that?!  She and Cynthia were hardly talking!

“Why would you say that?”

“She keeps staring at you,” Victoria said, holding up one finger.  “You keep staring at her when you think nobody’s looking,” she said, holding up another finger.  “Everything she says is an attempt to get your attention or make you laugh.  Girl, what the hell?  Did y’all fuck or something?”

“No!  There’s nothing going on.  We’re just friends.”  She turned her attention back to the game that she did not give even the slightest shit about.  “We’re barely even that anymore,” she mumbled.

“I have known you long enough to know when you’re lying and your ass is lying right now.  Spill.  Before they get back.”

Ari chanced a look at her friend, and Victoria just raised an unimpressed eyebrow.  Ari groaned.  There was no way out of this.  Victoria would squeeze it out of her at some point, might as well give up the ghost now.

“Okay, fine,” she said.  She moved in closer and whispered, “we slept together.”

If she was expecting some big reaction, she didn’t get it. 

“Obviously,” Victoria said.  “Yes, and?  You sleep with people and don’t get all weird about it.”

Ari suddenly found her fingernails very interesting.  “She’s different.”

There was a pause, and then she got the big reaction.

“Ariana Grande,” Victoria whispered, scandalized.  “Do you have feelings for her?”

Ari just kept picking at her nails.

“Awwww,” Victoria said.  Ari yanked her head up and found her friend grinning.  “The baby’s in loooove,” she teased.

“Shut up!” Ari said, putting her hand over Victoria’s mouth.  “Shut up before someone hears you.”

Victoria rolled her eyes but nodded.  Ari removed her hand, her cheeks burning again.

“Sooo what’s the problem?” Victoria asked.  “She’s obviously into you, too.”

“It’s complicated.”

“It’s always complicated.  That’s not a reason.”

Ari sighed and gave her the Cliff’s Notes version of everything, including McKenzie’s visit and their airport send off.

“Damn,” was Victoria could say when she finished.

“Yeah.  So.”  Ari shrugged like it didn’t matter when it mattered so fucking much, she could hardly breathe.  “Whatever.”

Victoria opened her mouth to say something else, but Cynthia and Ari's other friend returned at that moment. Ari shot Victoria a warning look, silently pleading with her not to say anything.

"What'd we miss?" Cynthia asked cheerfully as she settled back into her seat.

"Oh, nothing much," Victoria replied, her tone casual but her eyes sparkling with mischief. "Just girl talk."

Ari tensed, but Cynthia just nodded and turned her attention back to the game. As the crowd roared for another touchdown, Ari found herself stealing glances at Cynthia's profile. The way her eyes lit up with excitement, the curve of her smile. It was all so achingly familiar and yet so distant now.

At one point, Cynthia caught her looking and their eyes met. For a brief moment, Ari saw a flicker of something in Cynthia's eyes. Longing, maybe? Regret? But then Cynthia quickly looked away, focusing intently on the field.

Ari's heart clenched. She wanted so badly to reach out, to bridge this gap between them. But she didn't know how. The weight of everything unsaid hung heavy in the air.

“You’re staaaaring,” Victoria sang out of the side of her mouth that only Ari could hear.

Ari jumped up and returned her attention to the field. As the game wore on, Ari found it harder and harder to maintain her facade of casual friendship. Every time Cynthia leaned over Victoria to touch Ari (a tap on the knee, a little scratch from her long nails, an excited grab when someone made a spectacular catch), electricity shot through her.

When the game ended, Ari felt both relieved and disappointed. Their time together was coming to an end, but at least she could escape the torturous proximity.

"That was fun!" Cynthia said as they gathered their things to leave. "American football isn’t so bad. I wouldn’t hate if we had to come to another game."  She gently bumped her shoulder against Ari’s as they walked out of the press box.  “What about you?”

“Yeah, it was cool,” Ari said.

The others walked ahead of them; Victoria’s doing, Ari was sure. 

“Would you want to go to a game together?  Not on company time?” Cynthia asked.

Her brown eyes were so hopeful, but irritation irked at Ari’s nerves.  She knew what Cynthia was trying to do.  She was trying to establish some kind of new normal for them.  Friendship.  Ugh.  But couldn’t she see that it was too soon for that?  How could she just be so okay with them acting like buddies, so soon after they were professing their love and having so much sex that Ari thought she might become bowlegged?

“I’m not ready for that,” she said.

The way Cynthia’s shoulders slumped and her eyes lost their sparkle made Ari feel like the biggest asshole in the world.

“Oh, yeah, right.  I understand.”

Ari wanted to fix it, but she didn’t know how.  So they walked in silence until they were finally out of the building and back to the cars they had arrived in.  Cynthia opened the back door of Ari’s car for her like a gentlewoman, and they stalled in their goodbyes the same way they had hesitated with their greetings.

“So, um, talk to you later?” Cynthia asked.

“Mm hm.”

Ari started to get into the car when Cynthia spoke again.

“I wasn’t trying to pressure you.  To spend time with me.  You know.  If that’s not what you want.  I just…”  She looked around and clicked her nails together and searched for the right words.  It melted Ari’s walls a tiny bit, to see this woman who was so rarely at a loss for words unsure of what to say. 

Cynthia finally looked at her and sighed.  “I really miss you, Ari.”

And that melted her walls a tiny bit more.  She felt like a crybaby with the way her eyes started to mist.

“I miss you, too,” she admitted quietly.

Cynthia's eyes softened at Ari's admission. She reached out, hesitating for a moment before gently squeezing Ari's hand. The touch sent a jolt through Ari's body.

"I know this is hard," Cynthia said softly. "And I know I'm probably pushing too much. I just... I don't want to lose you completely."

Ari swallowed hard, fighting back tears. "I don't want that either," she whispered.

They stood there for a moment, hands still linked, the sounds of the departing crowd fading into the background. Ari knew she should pull away, get in the car, maintain some distance. But she couldn't bring herself to let go just yet.

"Maybe we could start small," Cynthia suggested tentatively. "Coffee sometime? Or just a phone call?" She quickly added, “the texts are great. Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to hear from you in any capacity. But I miss your voice.”

Ari looked down at their hands, and she tentatively ran her thumb over Cynthia’s long thumb nail. It was crazy how much she missed those ridiculous claws.

“Okay,” she said. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

The way Cynthia’s face lit up, you would have thought Ari promised to name her firstborn child after her.

“Okay. I’ll drop whatever I’m doing to talk to you.”

Ari smiled a little bit. “Okay.”

Cynthia smiled and then hesitated. “Could I hug you?”

Ari felt her heart race at the question. She was barely over the hug from earlier.  But the longing in Cynthia's eyes mirrored her own, and before she could overthink it, she nodded.

Cynthia stepped forward, wrapping her arms around Ari gently. Ari melted into the embrace, burying her face in Cynthia's neck and inhaling her familiar scent. For a moment, she allowed herself to pretend that nothing had changed, that they were back in their happy place in Oz.

But reality crashed back as they pulled apart. Ari could see the struggle in Cynthia's eyes, knew she was fighting the urge to lean in and kiss her. Part of Ari wished she would, while another part was relieved when Cynthia instead leaned in very slowly and kissed her cheek.

Ari felt like she might break.

She stepped out of the embrace and said, "I'll text you when I get home.”

She spun around and got in the car before they could say anything else to each other. The minute Cynthia closed the door, Ari crumbled and covered her face with her hands. Her cheek burned where Cynthia had kissed her.  Ari had never been so broken up over a cheek kiss before. Hell, despite many hurtful breakups and even a whole divorce, she had never been so broken up over a person before.

“Fuck!” she screamed.

Her phone dinged with a message and she found herself hoping to Hell both that it was Cynthia, and that it was not Cynthia.

It was Victoria.

I need all the details. When are you free?

Ari almost said she didn’t want to talk about it, but the truth was that she needed to tell someone before she exploded.

Tomorrow.

I’ll be there. And in case you’re spiraling out thinking she doesn’t feel the same way about you…

A picture came through, and Ari had to put the phone down before she cried for real. She gave herself a minute to get it together, and when she looked at it again, it was a picture Victoria must have captured when she’d returned from getting food.

In the picture, Ari was looking at the field, one hand raised as she cheered for some play that she probably didn’t even understand. Cynthia’s arm rested on the divider between her seat and Victoria’s empty seat, and her whole body was turned so she could full-on gaze at Ari. She was looking at Ari with so much affection in her eyes. Her lips had the softest curve of a smile on them. That kind of smile that said, “this dork. I love her so much.”

Ari closed the picture and thought about it the whole way home. She thought about the whole night: the pictures, the arms linked together, every time Cynthia touched her or looked at her. It was a lot to process.

Once she was safely inside, she texted Cynthia.

Home.

She debated leaving it at that. But somehow, that didn’t feel right. So she added:

It was good to see you.

Simple, friendly, not too distant but not too familiar, either. She hit send before she could overthink it.

Cynthia's reply came almost instantly.

I'm so glad. It was wonderful to see you too. I'm looking forward to our call tomorrow. Sweet dreams, Ari. x

Ari groaned and threw herself down on her bed, Galinda-style. She definitely needed to talk about it. She texted Victoria again.

Come at 10. And bring enough booze to drown a whale.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which the ice starts to melt

Oscar Sunday was always a big to-do.

This Oscar Sunday was no different.  Cynthia had risen very early to do a long run and clear her head and her nerves.  She and Ari were presenting an award.  The presenting, she was fine with.  It was being in close proximity to Ari again that was playing with her head.

Things between them had slowly improved over the last few weeks.  They weren’t anywhere near what Cynthia would have liked, but she knew that it would take time for them to shake off the intensity of their romantic feelings and ease back into friendship.  Ari had followed through with her promise to call the day after the Super Bowl, and their communication had picked up somewhat.  They mostly still texted.  But there were some voice notes sprinkled in.  Phone calls here and there.  And one night, they FaceTimed for three hours.

Cynthia had savored that interaction like it was the last drink of water in a desert.

Cynthia was doing her best to be consistent and make contact every day.  She wanted Ari to know that she was serious about having a relationship with her, even if it wasn’t the kind of relationship they wanted.  Their friendship was still important and needed to be nurtured, and she hoped that by continuing to show up, Ari might start to trust her again.

They also needed to be on the same page as the press tour really started to pick up.  People were way too quick to allege drama between women when there was none, and Cynthia was too protective of Ari and the movie for those kinds of rumors to take hold.

When she returned home from her run, she made herself a smoothie and checked messages to confirm the schedule for the day.  She went to her thread to text Ari, and was very pleasantly surprised when a text from Ari popped up before Cynthia could even type out her message.

Happy Oscars Sunday.  Looking forward to seeing you.

The grin that came over Cynthia threatened to split her lips.

Happy Oscars Sunday to you, too, doll.  Can’t wait to see you. x

Ari liked the message, and Cynthia was nearly floating from that very small but very significant interaction. 

“What’s got you grinning like that?” Lena asked, a smile tugging at her lips as she entered the kitchen.

Cynthia’s immediate reaction was to drop the smile and hide her phone, which she realized was kind of crazy and uncalled for. 

“Just excited for the day, I suppose,” she said.

“Have you heard from your little friend?” Lena asked, as she pulled a water from the fridge.

That was how she referred to Ari.  “Your little friend.”  She never said it with any obvious malice, but Cynthia knew her well enough to know that it wasn’t friendly.  In the time that she had been back from filming, Lena had not once asked what happened between Cynthia and Ari, and Cynthia had not offered to explain.  It was a “what happened in London stays in London” type deal.

“We were just texting, actually,” Cynthia admitted.

“Mm.”  Lena took a sip of her water and arched an eyebrow.  Not quite amused.  Not quite irritated.  But a secret third thing.  “So that’s why you’re cheesing.”

Cynthia actually felt her cheeks burn, so she took a sip of her basically-empty smoothie.

“You’re sitting next to her, you know,” she said.  “Is that going to be a problem?”

Lena smiled.  “I can handle sitting next to your little side piece, don’t worry.”

“Lena,” Cynthia sighed. 

This was as close as she would get to talking about it.  Comments like that.  “Your little friend.”  “Your side piece.”  “Your boo thang,” when she’d had a drink or two.

“Do we need to talk about this?” Cynthia asked, even though that was the absolute last thing she wanted to do.

Lena held her hands up in surrender.  “I’m good.”

“Are you sure?  Because you’ve been making those snide remarks since I got back.  If there’s something you want to ask me, I’d prefer if you just ask me and we have it out.”

Lena thought about it for a second, and then moved closer to press a cold kiss to Cynthia’s cheek.

“We don’t need to talk about it.  Sorry.”

Cynthia wanted to believe that.  But even more, she wanted to not talk about it.  So she let it go.

“The facialist will be here in about an hour.  The team will be here shortly after that.  I’m going up to take my shower.”

Cynthia started that way, and Lena asked, “mind if I join?”

Finally.  Some normalcy.  Cynthia smiled and held her hand out.  “Not at all.”

As the hot water cascaded over their bodies, Cynthia felt a sense of relief wash over her. This was familiar territory, something she could navigate without the complicated emotions that had been swirling around her lately. Lena's hands traced paths along her skin, and Cynthia allowed herself to sink into the comfort of routine.

But even as she embraced this moment of normalcy, a small part of her mind couldn't help but wonder but what Ari was doing right now. Was she also getting ready? Was she nervous about their upcoming presentation?  Was she in the shower…maybe with Ethan?

The thought nearly made her vomit.

Cynthia shook her head, trying to dispel these thoughts. She was here, with Lena, and that's where her focus should be. She turned to face her partner, pulling her close for a deep kiss. Even though she had been back home for a little over a month, they’d had very little time together because of their busy schedules. Never mind intimate time. And the few times they had been intimate, they were in their bedroom, in the dark.

She tried to lose herself in the feeling of Lena kissing down her body. And she definitely tried not to compare how different it was from the way Ari did it.

Danger, danger, danger, her brain screamed.

“What’s this?” Lena asked, her face furrowed into a frown.

Cynthia looked and a wave of sheer panic flashed through her body when she realized Lena was pointing to the WGE tattoo.

For someone so practical, with such a penchant for planning well into the future, Cynthia was woefully unprepared for a question that she definitely should have known would come at some point.

How did one explain to their partner that they had gotten a matching tattoo with their castmate, and the tattoo was the initials of her imaginary child with said castmate?

“Oh, just a silly little thing Ari and I got for the movie.”

“What’s it mean? Wicked Girl Energy?”

Cynthia truly did her best to not lie when she could avoid it.

This was a time it could not be avoided.

“Yep,” she said, nodding maybe a little too exuberantly.

Shockingly, Lena didn’t push it. She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“Y’all and this movie.”

Cynthia laughed and rolled her eyes, too. “I know, we’re nerds.”

“Complete nerds.”

She then proceeded to do everything in her power to make Lena completely forget the tattoo.

The rest of the morning passed in a flurry of activity. By the time her teams were done with her facial, makeup and wardrobe, they were on their way to the show. Lena held Cynthia’s hand, while Cynthia bounced her knee and looked out the window. She stopped when Lena squeezed her hand and gave her a confused smile.

“You nervous?”

“A little,” Cynthia admitted.

“You never get nervous.”

And she couldn’t very well say she was nervous to see Ari. So, she just did her best to control the bouncing knee.

As their car pulled up to the red carpet, Cynthia took a deep breath. She squeezed Lena's hand one last time before plastering on her practiced smile. The door opened and she stepped out into a sea of flashing cameras and shouting reporters.

"Cynthia! Over here!"

"Who are you wearing?”

"Are you presenting with Ari? How was it working with her?"

She posed and waved, answering questions with practiced ease. But her eyes kept scanning the crowd, looking for one particular face.

Finally, she spotted her. Ari was further down the carpet, looking absolutely stunning in her bubble gum pink gown. Their gazes locked for just a moment, and Cynthia felt her breath catch. Ari smiled at her, a real smile for the first time in weeks, and nodded like they would catch up inside.

They did manage to see each other inside before the show started, but they didn’t quite have the reunion Cynthia wanted with Lena standing there, too.

“You look gorgeous,” Cynthia said to Ari, holding out her hands for her.  Ari took them and squeezed.

“So do you.”  Her eyes trailed up and down Cynthia’s green custom Louis Vuitton dress.  “It’s definitely giving ‘my Elphie.’”

Cynthia’s cheeks got hot at that nickname.  “And you are certainly giving ‘my Glinda.’”

Ari’s smile widened, showing off that dimple that Cynthia loved, and she almost forgot they weren’t alone until Lena spoke up.

“Ari, nice to see you again,” she said with absolutely no emotion at all.

Ari squeezed Cynthia’s hands one more time before dropping them and giving Lena a cordial smile.  “Nice to see you again, too.  Looks like we’ll be sitting next to each other.”

“Someone has to keep you two separated.”

Cynthia’s eyes snapped to Lena in a “what the fuck” look, but Lena smiled like she was just joking.  Ari didn’t seem bothered by it, but Cynthia narrowed her eyes at Lena as they made their way to their seats.

The show went well, despite Cynthia’s initial concerns.  Lena and Ari both behaved themselves, and Cynthia was happy to get a short break from the uncomfortable threesome when she and Ari left their seats to head to the back before they presented.  Between their glam squads giving them last-minute fix-ups, they didn’t really get the chance to speak until after they had presented, when they scooted past some photographers and found an empty corner to catch their breath.

“Hi,” Ari said, with that silly smile that Cynthia adored.

“Hi,” Cynthia laughed.  “We’ve been near each other all night and I feel like we haven’t even gotten a chance to talk yet.”

“Especially with your bodyguard sitting between us.”

Cynthia couldn’t help but laugh.  “Ari.”

“I know, I know.  Sorry.  But what was that crack about someone has to keep us apart?  Does she know about…?” Ari motioned between them.

“No!  God, no.”  Cynthia hesitated.  “Well, I mean, I didn’t tell her that anything happened.  She might suspect, I suppose.”

Ari cocked her head to the side.  “Why do you think she suspects?”

“Apparently, when you texted this morning, she knew it was you from the way I was smiling.”

It took a second, but then a smile slowly began to form on Ari’s face.

“You were smiling because I texted you?”

Without thinking, Cynthia said, “of course I smile when you text me.  I love you.”

Cynthia’s whole heart stopped and she could feel her eyes get huge.  She hadn’t meant to say that.  She wasn’t supposed to say that, right? 

“I mean, that’s not what I meant.”  Oh, fuck.  “It is what I meant.  I do love you, very much, but I know you probably don’t want to hear that from me right now.  I meant to say that I love to hear from you.”

Lord, when had she become such a blathering idiot?

Ari never stopped smiling, though.  She bit the inside of her cheek.

“Hmm,” was all she said, after that train wreck of a sentiment from Cynthia.  She reached out and took Cynthia’s hand.  “We should probably head back before they send a search party after us.”

The rest of the night passed by with awards and pictures and after parties and after-after parties.  Cynthia wasn’t the party-all-night type usually, but she made exceptions when necessary and Oscar night was definitely necessary.  She did a lot of chatting and hobnobbing and talking up the movie, and by the time she and Lena got home, the sun was on its way up.  She peeled off her dress and removed her makeup and crashed into the bed, face-first.  She was about to put her phone in silent, when a text from Ari came through.

Good night

It was the first “good night” text she had sent since their return to the States.  Cynthia was glad her face was mostly covered because she knew she was doing that smile again.  Before she could text back, Ari sent a second message.

I love you, too.

And, oh, the relief and joy that flooded Cynthia’s body was almost enough to knock the sleepiness right out of her.

She liked both messages and had to actually fight herself to not hug the phone like a teenager whose crush had just texted them.

That garbled love confession must have been the key to something because things were noticeably warmer after that.  She and Ari were communicating almost like they had been before they had slept together: texting and calling and chatting all day about every little thing they were doing and thinking.  They sent each other pictures and voice notes and they talked every night before bed, even if only for a few minutes.  It was during one of their nighttime conversations when Ari surprised Cynthia with a request.

“So, I have some exciting news,” Ari said.

“Spill,” Cynthia said, as she snuggled underneath her comforter.

“I’m performing at the Met Gala this year.”

Cynthia sprang up.  “Oh my God!  Ari, that’s amazing!  Congratulations, love!”

“Thank you.”  Cynthia grinned when she heard Ari’s smile.  “I’m really excited.”

“As you should be.  Wow, that’s incredible.  I’m so proud of you.  I can’t wait to be there to cheer you on.”

“Well, actually…”

There was a long pause, and Cynthia waited with baited breath.  She had no idea what Ari might be about to say, but she didn’t expect what came next.

“I was wondering if you would sing with me,” Ari asked, her voice a little softer.  Like she wasn’t sure.

Cynthia’s heart stopped.  “What?”

“Would you want to sing with me?  Like, a few songs or something at the end?”

“Ari…”

So many emotions sprung up at once.  Surprise.  Joy.  Excitement.  Pure, real, deep love.

“Yes,” she finally said.  “I would love to sing with you.  Are you joking?”

“No!  I wouldn’t joke with you about this.”

“I…I don’t even know what to say.  This is your moment.  And you want to share it with me?”

“Well yes.  Of course, I do.  I love you.”

Cynthia's heart soared.  Those were almost the exact same words Cynthia had said to Ari the night of the Oscars. She clutched the phone tighter, savoring this moment, wishing it was Ari in her hands instead of the phone.

"I love you too," she whispered back. "So much. This means the world to me."

"Good," Ari said softly. "Because you mean the world to me."

There was a moment of comfortable silence as they both let the weight of those words settle.

"So," Cynthia finally said, "what songs were you thinking?"

They spent the next hour excitedly discussing song choices and arrangements. By the time they hung up, Cynthia was buzzing with anticipation. She sprang out of bed and ran downstairs, where Lena was working on her computer. She practically leapt into Lena’s lap and squealed.

“Whoa, whoa, what’s going on?” Lena asked.

“I’m singing at the Met Gala!”

Lena’s face cracked into a grin. “What? Wow, that’s great. Congratulations! How did this happen?”

Cynthia was too high on excitement and love to think about mincing her words.

“Ari’s performing, and she asked me to sing with her.”

Lena’s grin became noticeably dimmer.

“Wow,” she said again, only this time, not in an excited way. “Ari. Again. I guess having a side piece has its benefits.”

Cynthia's excitement immediately deflated. She slid off Lena's lap, groaning.

“Could we not? Please,” she begged. “For one night, could you just not? This is really exciting for me and instead of being happy, all you can see is that Ari is involved.”

“Just seems like Ari is involved in everything you do these days.”

“Of course she is! We’re promoting our movie! We’re friends. She actually wants me to succeed.”

Lena’s eyes narrowed. “Are you saying I don’t want you to succeed?”

“I’m saying that all you’ve done since I got back is make these weird comments about Ari. If there’s something you want to ask me, then ask. Otherwise, let it go. Seriously.   Do you have something you want to ask me?”

“Do you have something you want to tell me?”

“No, you’re not turning this back on me,” Cynthia said immediately.  “I was honest with you about my feelings when you came to visit in London.  You told me to explore it and figure it out, and to ‘leave you out of it.’  So, if you want to know something in particular, ask me.  Or let it go.”

Lena stared at her for a long moment. 

 And then she shook her head.

“I don’t want to know,” she decided.

“So can you just be happy for me in this moment?  And be happy that I have someone who has my back?”

Lena seemed to think about it, and then she nodded. “Yes.  I am happy for you.  And I want you to succeed, too.”

She stood up and opened her arms, and despite her initial irritation, Cynthia didn’t have the energy to keep it going.  She fell into her partner’s arms and her excitement returned full force. 

“I’ll let you get back to work,” she said when they pulled apart.

“I’ll be up soon.  I’ m proud of you.  For real.”

She seemed sincere, and Cynthia smiled.  “Thank you.”  She kissed her cheek and said, “night.”

When she got back upstairs, she had a voice note from Ari.  She felt positively giddy about it as she burrowed underneath the covers again and hit “play.”

"Hey you. I just wanted to say goodnight again and tell you how excited I am about this. I can't wait to share the stage with you. It's going to be magical."

There was a pause, and then Ari's voice softened:

"And I meant what I said earlier. You really do mean the world to me, Cyn. I know things have been complicated between us, but performing together again... is it crazy to say it will feel like we’re back in Oz? God, I’m such a nerd. But there are very few things in the world that I love more than hearing you sing, and I feel like other people should hear you, too."

Cynthia's heart swelled. She closed her eyes, letting Ari's words wash over her.

"Anyway," Ari continued, a hint of shyness creeping into her voice, "I should let you sleep. Sweet dreams, my Elphie. Talk to you tomorrow."

The message ended, and Cynthia listened to it again, savoring every word. She felt a warmth spread through her chest, a feeling of contentment and excitement she hadn't experienced in weeks. She was so filled with happiness and anticipation that she had to listen to it one more time, just to hear Ari's voice softly say "my Elphie" before the message ended.

Cynthia recorded a voice note in response.

"Ari, my Glinda... you have no idea how happy you've made me. Performing with you again will be like coming home. I cannot wait to do this with you. And for the record, it’s not crazy to say it would feel like we’re back in Oz. I feel that way, too. Sweet dreams, my heart. Talk to you tomorrow."

She sent the message and settled back into her pillows with a contented sigh. She held the phone to her chest like it was a substitute for Ari.

When her alarm went off the next morning, she was smiling. She went for a long run, and when she came back, a bouquet of roses sat on the kitchen counter.  She inhaled the sweet scent and then read the note.

I know how much this means to you, and I really am happy that Ari invited you. Don’t forget that I love you too. L

Cynthia stared at the card for a long time. 

Don’t forget that I love you, too.

TOO.

She read that part over and over and over.  Whether Lena actually asked or not, she knew that Ari loved Cynthia.

And, of course, right on cue, Ari texted her.

Good morning.  I’m still bouncing off the walls about performing with you.  I can’t wait.  And I can’t wait to see you again.  I love you.

Well.

Hell.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which Ari sleeps with Elphaba

Cynthia was a planner.

Always had been.

It was in her DNA.  When she saw something she wanted, she made a plan to get it, and then she got it. 

Simple.

The minute she’d met Lena, she knew that she wanted her.  Cynthia was in awe of Lena’s work ethic, her creativity, and her absolute refusal to be anything but herself.  Cynthia had always dreamed of having a partner who shared her ambitions, and once she and Lena got together, it was easy to envision Lena as that partner.  When Cynthia allowed herself to fantasize about the future, to picture herself old and gray with her lifelong partner as they lived in their fabulous mansions and enjoyed the glamorous, jet-setting life, Lena’s was always the face she pictured.

Until recently.

Because lately, when Cynthia was doing something like taking a shower or running and her mind could drift off, her fantasies looked a little different.  She still saw herself old and gray, a Hollywood icon, traipsing across the world to work (or not work) as she pleased.  But every now and then, and maybe a bit more than she would ever admit to anyone, the person she saw next to her in those dreams wasn’t Lena.

It was Ari.

And that was extremely disconcerting, because Ari had not been a part of Cynthia’s plans. 

“Cynthia?”

Cynthia snapped out of her brain fog and met the curious eyes of her therapist, Kristen. 

“Sorry,” she said, as she shook her head.

“You seem pretty lost in thought there,” Kristen said with a kind smile.  “Would you like to talk about where you went just now?”

Cynthia started to say “no,” because that was her natural inclination.  She was the type to process internally, to figure things out on her own.  But as they had discussed so frequently, she needed to learn how to rely on other people.  And the fact was, she hadn’t told anyone about the battle going on in her head and heart.  Ari knew that Cynthia loved her, of course.  And Lena was clearly aware of it, too.  But Cynthia hadn’t talked about it with anyone else and sometimes, it felt like the feelings would get to be too much to handle on her own.

“Do you think it’s possible to be in love with two people at the same time?” she asked.

Kristen’s eyes widened just a little, obviously surprised.  She put her pen down and sat back in her chair.

“Do you think it’s possible to be in love with two people at the same time?”

Cynthia looked down at her nails.  Green.  Pointy.  Sparkly.

“I love those!” Ari had said, as she FaceTimed Cynthia throughout the entire nail appointment.

Cynthia smiled at the memory.

“I’m not sure,” she said in response to the therapist. 

“May I ask what’s bringing this about?”  When Cynthia just kept looking at her nails, Kristen continued with, “do you think you’re in love with two different people?”

Cynthia nodded slowly.

“I assume one of them is your partner.”

“Of course,” Cynthia said immediately, finally meeting the therapist’s eyes.

“Do you want to share who the other person is?”

Kristen’s tone was not judgmental.  Cynthia knew she could tell her.  But, admitting it to someone else might make it feel too real.  Too…big.

“No.”

A long stretch of silence passed between them.

“This is your time and we can do what you want with it,” Kristen assured her.  “We can sit here quietly if that’s what you need right now.  But it seems to me that this is weighing on you, and I want to remind you that this is a safe space.  You don’t have to carry your burdens by yourself if you don’t want to.”

Cynthia was completely silent for an entire five-minute stretch while she tried to figure out what to say and how to say it.  Finally, she sighed and just let the words flow out.

“I’ve always had these big dreams, you know?” she started.  The therapist nodded encouragingly. “I’d get to Hollywood and be a star and I’d marry someone who was a star in their own right, and we’d be like this, iconic queer Hollywood couple.”

Kristen smiled.  “I’d say you’re well on your way to that.”

Cynthia smiled a little.  “It’s always been Lena that I see in my head when I envision that.  The two of us.  Our dogs. Our families.  Doing all the red carpets and being couple goals.”

Another long silence.

“But lately…when my mind slips off into that fantasy world…if I don’t make the conscious effort to see Lena, I see someone else.”

She winced.  It felt like a betrayal just saying it.  Even as it simultaneously felt like relief from getting it off her chest.

“I understand,” Kristen said.  “It sounds like your heart is feeling one thing, and you have to force your brain to think something else.  Is that right?”

Cynthia nodded.

“Why do you think you’re forcing your brain to do that?”

Cynthia tapped her nails together, the click-click a soothing distraction from the swirl of thoughts.

“I…I suppose I feel like that’s what I should do.  That’s what I should want.”

“You should want to be with Lena and live this dream life with her?”

Cynthia nodded again.

“And where are you getting this idea of what you should do and want?  Is that something someone has told you?  Or is it some limiting belief you’re setting for yourself?”

Cynthia sighed and sank a little more into her seat.  She and Kristen had talked about a lot of things over her time in therapy.  But one theme always seemed to show up, over and over and over again.  This persistent feeling of what she should do and should want, based almost completely on some impossible standard she crafted in her mind. 

Nobody was harder on Cynthia than Cynthia was, and they had talked constantly about how she could have more grace and patience with herself while still achieving her goals.

“A limiting belief I’ve set for myself,” she finally admitted.

Kristen nodded, a gentle smile on her face. "I'm glad you can recognize that. What do you think would happen if you allowed yourself to follow your heart instead of forcing your brain to stick to this predetermined plan?"

Cynthia felt her chest tighten at the thought. It was scary to consider deviating from the path she'd so carefully laid out for herself. But there was also a hint of excitement, a flutter in her stomach at the possibility.

"I don't know," she admitted softly. "I've never fully let myself think about it."

"Maybe that's something we can work on," Kristen suggested. "What if we started small? Instead of jumping straight to picturing your entire future, what if you just allowed yourself to imagine one day where you followed your heart's desires without any self-imposed restrictions?"

Cynthia’s heart nearly ceased to function at the idea of that. A day with no practical plans? A day of just following her heart and doing Willy Wonka Whatever?

That sounded terrifying.

“I’m not suggesting you leave your partner and run off into the sunset with this new person!” Kristen said with a laugh, clearly clocking the look of sheer panic on Cynthia’s face. “I mean something small. Like…not holding back if you want to give someone a hug. Or saying what you mean instead of editing the sentence in your head first. Let yourself be in your feelings.”

Cynthia considered Kristen's words. The idea of letting go, even just a little, was both thrilling and horrifying. She'd spent so long carefully constructing her life, her image, her future. What would happen if she allowed herself to deviate, even for a day?

"I... I'm not sure I know how to do that," Cynthia admitted softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Okay, let’s try it right now.”

Kristen abandoned her pen and paper on the desk, hopped up and rounded her desk until she was kneeling in front of Cynthia. She took her hands and smiled.

“I’m going to say a word and I want you to say the first thing that comes to mind. Don’t edit. Don’t pause. Just say exactly what pops into your head.  Once you say a word, I’ll reflect it back to you and you say the next thing that comes to your mind.  This might help you bypass your brain a bit and let your heart take the lead for once.  Do you want to try that?”

Cynthia thought about that for a moment, and then realized she was doing exactly what Kristen was asking her not to do: over-thinking.  She took a deep breath and nodded.

“Yes.”

“Remember, nothing you say will leave this room. No judgment. No nothing. Okay? Do you trust me in this?”

“Yes,” she said, no hesitation this time.

“Perfect,” Kristen smiled. “Here we go. I want you to close your eyes and envision your responses. I’ll say the word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind. Ready?”

Cynthia’s heart fluttered with nervousness and anticipation. This was all so…spontaneous. Not like her at all.

“Yes,” she said, as she closed her eyes.

Kristen started with, “home.”

Okay, an easy one.  “Bed,” Cynthia said.

“Bed.”

Cynthia pictured her little dogs curled on up on her bed.  “Dogs.”

“Dogs.”

Cynthia smiled when she said, “sweet.”

When Kristen repeated, “sweet,” an image of Ari immediately exploded into Cynthia’s mind. A full technicolor image of Ari in her bed in the apartment in London, smiling at her, with her cute dimple and her cute teeth. Cynthia almost said her name, but she felt like she shouldn’t. She stalled, scrambling for some other word.

“No editing, remember?” Kristen asked gently.

“London,” Cynthia said instead.

“London.”

“Wicked.”

“Wicked,” Kristen bounced back.

Again, Ari popped into her head.  But she was in costume, so Cynthia said, “Glinda.”

“Glinda.”

"Good,” was out before Cynthia could think of anything else.

Kristen said, “good.  Very good.  You’re doing great.  Are you still with me?  Are you still okay with this?”

Cynthia nodded, her eyes squeezed tight as the image of Ari dressed as Glinda burned her brain.

“Yes,” she said.

“Okay, we’ll pick back up where you left off.  What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear ‘good’?”

“Happy,” Cynthia said.

“Happy,” Kristen said.

“Love.”

“Love,” Kristen repeated.

That image of Ari again, and this time, Cynthia couldn’t catch it.

"Ari," Cynthia blurted out, her eyes flying open in shock at her own response.

Kristen's expression remained neutral, but her eyes sparkled with interest. "Remember, no judgment. Let's keep going. Close your eyes again."

Cynthia took a shaky breath and complied, her heart racing.

“I’ll say different words now.  Okay?”

“Okay.”

"Future," Kristen said.

"Here," Cynthia whispered, surprising herself again.

"Singing."

"Joy," she replied, her voice growing stronger.

"Fear."

"Failure," Cynthia said, feeling a lump form in her throat.

"Freedom."

"Joy," she answered again, a small smile tugging at her lips.

“Lena.”

“Work.”

“Ari.”

“Love.”

Kristen squeezed her hands and said, "open your eyes." When Cynthia did, she was surprised to find tears in her eyes.  Kristen smiled warmly at her. "How do you feel?”

“Emotional,” Cynthia admitted, bewildered by her own reaction. “We did that for what? 30 seconds? Why do I feel like I just ran a marathon?”

“Because it’s hard emotional work to silence your brain for a second and let your heart take the wheel.”

Kristen retrieved a box of tissues and Cynthia dabbed at her eyes.

“Thank you,” she said quietly.

Kristen sat next to her and placed a hand on her back.

“How do you feel about the answers you gave when your heart was the one responding?”

Cynthia recalled how she had pictured Ari multiple times and had verbalized her association with Ari and love not once, but twice.

She laughed sadly. “Like I shouldn’t feel that way.”

Kristen cracked a smile. “Exactly. You see how that pesky ‘should’ has popped up again?”

Cynthia nodded and Kristen patted her shoulder.

“Your homework for the rest of the day is when you catch yourself saying you should or shouldn’t do something, stop and ask why. Where is it coming from? Is it true? And does your heart agree with it? Do you think you could do that? Just for today.”

Cynthia nodded again and wiped her eyes.

“Good. I’m proud of you. Let’s talk again next week.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“Thank you for being so open. Feel your feelings today. None of that Capricorn, master plan shit. Promise?”

A laugh bubbled out of Cynthia unexpectedly, and her therapist smiled.

“Yes, I promise.”

As Cynthia gathered her things and headed out of the therapist's office, her mind was swirling. Lean into her feelings for a day. She could do that, right? No shoulds.

But as she stepped out onto the busy Los Angeles sidewalk and checked her phone, the “shoulds” immediately began piling up. Emails she should answer. Phone calls she should return. Things she should say “yes” to if she was going to truly make a name for herself.

As she got into the waiting car, she took a deep breath and thought about what Kristen said. She was going to run every single “should” through her heart and see if heart and mind aligned.

And she was going to start with the two text messages she had waiting for her.

One from Lena.

One from Ari.

Her heart clenched. No better way to run things past her heart than by testing it out with the two women she loved.

She opened Lena's message first.

Hey babe, don't forget we have that industry party tonight. Can't wait to see you all dolled up

The thought of going to a party, rubbing elbows, and answering questions all night, felt like the last thing she wanted to do.

You should go, she thought. Think of all the big names who’ll be there. You don’t want to miss an opportunity to network.

But when she really thought about it and checked in with herself, she just didn’t want to. There were some parties, she knew, that she would have to attend, whether she wanted to or not. This wasn’t one of them. So with shaking fingers, she typed a response to Lena.

Hey, just got out of my therapy session. It was a tough one. I’m a bit drained. Do you mind if I skip this one?

Lena responded with: ah ok, it’s cool. I’ll hold it down for both of us.

Cynthia’s body nearly sagged with relief.

Thank you, love. I look forward to you returning home so we can snuggle ;)

haha, me too

Okay, all right. So far, so good. Maybe this heart thing wasn’t so bad.

She switched to the message from Ari, which was a picture of Ari in bed, bare-faced and wearing big nerdy glasses, Toulouse sitting on her head and Myron lying in front of her.

We miss you.

And goodness, the absolute flood of yearning threatened to drown Cynthia right there on the sidewalk. She wanted nothing more than to be in that bed with Ari and her dogs. But she shouldn’t want that. Right?  She shouldn’t be willing to forego a network opportunity with Lena while fantasizing about lazing around in bed with Ari.

No shoulds, she remembered.

She fought against the urge that told her she shouldn’t text Ari back.  The urge that said she shouldn’t encourage this type of flirtation, because her heart was fully in control of this one.

I miss my babies, too, she responded.

Her heart pounded like she was back in high school, thinking about passing a note to whatever boy or girl she liked back then.

Before I get all excited and start grinning like an idiot, do you just mean the dogs, or…?

Cynthia smiled so hard that she had to bite her lip.

No, babygirl.  I don’t just mean the dogs.

Ari’s response was a string of blushing emojis.  And then another picture.  This one, with her tattooed hand covering her mouth, which was clearly turned up into a huge grin.  It made Cynthia grin, too.

The rest of the day, she felt high.  And happy.  And good. 

She said “yes” only to the things she truly wanted to say “yes” to, and “no” to the all things she didn’t.  It was so simple, but a complete revelation for her.

She wasn’t able to keep it up consistently over the next few weeks.  Like any person, change like that didn’t happen overnight.  But she got better about checking in with herself and trying to limit the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts.”

And she knew she was in for a test when she and Ari reunited in Las Vegas for a discussion about Wicked at Cinemacon. 

She was pretty sure that nobody prompted for more internal debate than Ariana Grande.

It certainly didn’t help that Ari looked so gorgeous in her whimsical, flowery dress, with her makeup perfect and her hair in a neat bun.

She was so pretty that Cynthia’s heart leapt.

“Hii!” Ari squealed, as she basically ran to Cynthia backstage.

“Hi, darling!”

They wrapped each other up in a zealous hug before Cynthia pulled away and looked at her again. 

“I love everything you wear, but this is truly my favorite.  You look like a pretty little princess.”

Ari blushed and squeezed Cynthia’s hands.  “And you look like a hot stripper witch in those boots.”

Cynthia tossed her head back and laughed. 

“You’re so silly.”

Ari grinned and opened her mouth to respond, but she was interrupted by a production assistant calling them to the stage.

"Ready?" Cynthia asked, holding out her hand.

Ari took it, intertwining their fingers. "Always."

As they walked towards the stage, Cynthia felt a familiar flutter in her stomach. It wasn't nerves about being on stage; she'd done enough of these by now to feel confident. No, this flutter was all about the woman beside her, whose hand fit so perfectly in hers.

The roar of the crowd as they stepped onto the stage was deafening. Cynthia beamed, waving with her free hand. She glanced at Ari, who was doing the same, her smile radiant. For a moment, everything else fell away. The crowd, the cameras, the questions about the movie. 

They moved together like they had been doing it for years: selling not only their chemistry as Glinda and Elphaba, but their chemistry in real life. At some point, Cynthia must have strayed too far away and Ari asked in front of everyone, “can I hold your hand?”

Cynthia didn’t even hesitate.

When they were back stage, they did a short promo sharing their delight at receiving Elphaba and Glinda dolls, complete with their voices and songs. The minute the promo ended and the crew was gone, Cynthia turned to Ari.

“Hey,” she said gently, “you never have to ask if you can hold my hand. Remember? I told you that from the very beginning.”

Ari blushed. “I remember,” she said. “I just wasn’t sure with, you know…” She gestured between them. “Everything. And we were in front of a crowd, so…”

“You never have to ask. My hand is yours to hold.  Always.”

The blush persisted. “Okay,” Ari said, with a shyness that Cynthia wasn’t sure she had ever seen.

Before her brain could edit and weigh the pros and cons of it, Cynthia asked, “what are you doing later? Do you want to come over and just…hang out with me?”

The words were barely out of her mouth before Ari was saying, “yes,” and they both giggled.

“I can’t wait,” Cynthia said.

And she really couldn’t. The whole time she shook hands and signed autographs and talked so much about Elphaba that she halfway expected her skin to spontaneously turn green, in the back of her mind, she was thinking about Ari. They hadn’t been alone in a bedroom since their last morning in London. She was both excited and nervous, and she could hardly rush back to her room and shower and change fast enough.

When the knock came later that night, she wasn’t totally sure what to expect.

But it definitely wasn’t Ari standing there in her pink pajamas, holding her Glinda doll in front of her face.

“Miss Elphaba, I simply insist that you let me in,” she said in her haughtiest Glinda voice.

Cynthia laughed and pulled her inside. “Get in here, you silly thing.”

Ari giggled as she stepped inside, lowering the Glinda doll and revealing her face.  Cynthia took in the sight of Ari in her pink pajamas, hair pulled back in a messy bun, face scrubbed clean of makeup. God, she was adorable.

"So," Ari said softly. "What should we do?"

What a dangerous question.  The options ranged from watching trash TV and keeping a respectable distance from each other to ripping each other’s clothes off and going to town so loud that they got a noise complaint.

Cynthia went with the former.

“Real Housewives and room service?” Cynthia asked, stepping back just enough to regain her senses.

“Yes, please.”

The next couple of hours passed in blissful companionship.  They laughed and complained about the divas on the show and gorged on gourmet vegan food. 

It was the most comfortable and complete Cynthia had felt since the last time they had been together like this.  She watched Ari as Ari imitated one of the ladies on the show.  She was just so…alive.  And being in her presence made Cynthia feel alive.  Her staring must have been pretty prolonged because at some point, Ari turned to her and her grin softened into a curious smile.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Cynthia said, trying to seem a lot more normal than she felt at the moment. 

“Are you sure?  Because you’ve been staring a hole in the side of my head for about five minutes.”

Cynthia’s cheeks burned and she had the wherewithal to finally look away.  Her eyes landed on their Elphaba and Glinda dolls, propped up against the pillows.  She briefly imagined throwing the dolls off the bed and pinning Ari against the pillows.  A mental meter flashed in her head, an arrow tilting into the bright red DANGER zone.

“How’s it going with you and Ethan?” she asked. 

She could tell from the way Ari’s eyebrows rose that the question seemed to be completely out of nowhere.  But truly, if she didn’t remind herself that they each had other partners, she wasn’t sure they would make it out of the room with their clothes and minds intact.

“Not the gory details,” she added.  “Just.  You know.  In general.”

Ari gave her a long look, her lip twitching like she might smile.  Just like it had when Cynthia fumbled her way through telling her she loved her at the Oscars.

“It’s whatever,” Ari finally said, shrugging a shoulder.  “He’s around.  I guess that’s the nicest thing I can say.  I’m sure he’s sitting on the bed, wondering where I am.  Just…breathing.”

Cynthia’s head fell back as a loud, straight-from-the-gut laugh erupted from her.

“Well, I should hope he’s breathing!” she said.

Ari laughed, too, her mischievous little eyes twinkling in the way that Cynthia just adored.

“That’s kind of all he’s good for.  Telling me how great I am.  And breathing and blinking.  Sometimes at the same time.”

“Ari,” Cynthia said, clutching her stomach as she continued to laugh.  “Surely, he’s good for more than that!”

“Not really.”

Cynthia felt high and drunk and giddy at the same time.  She missed a lot of things about Ari, but the way she made her laugh might have been number one on that list.

“Oh my God,” she said, as she wiped her eyes.  “I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks.”

Ari's smile softened as she gazed at Cynthia. "I've missed this," she said quietly. "Just being with you, laughing, talking about nothing and everything."

Cynthia felt a warmth bloom in her chest. "Me too," she admitted. "More than I can say."

The air between them crackled with tension. The heady, fuzzy thrum of arousal settled over Cynthia, and she couldn’t stop the way her eyes flicked down to Ari's lips. She bodily remembered the soft press of those lips everywhere on her skin. On her mouth. Between her legs.

She was leaning in before she could think better of it, but she jumped back when three loud knocks pounded on the door.

“Ari?” Ethan asked. “Are you in there?”

“Jesus,” Ari whispered in an irritated groan. “I swear, he’s like the police!”

Cynthia stifled a laugh and slid off the bed to open the door. Ethan stood there, wild-haired and wide-eyed, like he had frantically been searching for Ari for years.

“Hi, Ethan,” she said calmly. “Yes, Ari is in here. We’re just catching up.”

“Oh. Okay. Well, it’s getting kind of late.”

Cynthia nodded and said as kindly as she could, “Ari’s a big girl. I’m sure she can determine her own bedtime.”

Ethan’s cheeks turned red and he nodded furiously. “Yeah, yeah, of course.”

“When we’re done here, I’ll make sure she safely makes the trip across the hall back to your room. Okay?”

“Yeah. Right, thanks.”

She closed the door and turned around to find Ari sprawled on the bed, silently laughing her ass off. Cynthia burst into laughter, too.

“Your keeper wants you to come home,” she said, as she joined Ari on the bed again.

“I heard.”

They giggled and Cynthia lay on her side. Ari did the same, and they took a minute to just look at each other.

“I wish I could stay here,” Ari confessed quietly.

“I know. I do, too. But I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“Why? Because you just tried to kiss me?”

Cynthia smiled despite the embarrassment that washed over her.  She didn’t know if it was the lateness of the hour or the fact that she had been working so hard on not editing her thoughts and feelings, but she told the truth.

“Yes, actually, that’s exactly why.”

Ari’s lips formed a surprised little “o,” before she gathered herself and shrugged like she was unbothered by the revelation.

“Well, it doesn’t matter.  I wouldn’t have let you kiss me anyway.”

Her tone was serious but her eyes were teasing, and Cynthia scoffed.

“That is a lie from the deepest pits of Hell.”

This time, it was Ari who threw her head back and laughed.  Cynthia’s eyes betrayed her by immediately zeroing in on Ari’s exposed neck, and she itched to kiss her there.

“I’m serious,” she said, still laughing.  “I’ve decided I’m going to be good around you.”  She made eye contact with Cynthia again and said, “I’m a good girl, remember?”

And, oh God, it was definitely time for her to leave.  Cynthia was only human, and she was clearly not as detached from this as she had previously thought she might be.  Ari’s proximity, the scent of her perfume, the warmth radiating off her body, the teasing in her voice and in her eyes…it was all too familiar and too strong.

“You should go before your shadow comes knocking on my door again,” she said, sounding much calmer than she actually felt.

Ari gave her one last lingering look, and then she nodded.  Before she slid off the bed, though, she reached for the pillows and grabbed the Elphie doll.

“I’m taking this,” she said.

She leaned over and planted a long kiss on Cynthia’s cheek, and Cynthia’s skin tingled under the gentle touch.  She briefly closed her eyes, allowing herself the moment to enjoy their closeness.  She nearly shivered when Ari’s lips left her cheek and brushed against her ear.

“Good night, my heart,” she whispered.

Cynthia didn’t move or walk her out, because she was afraid that if she got up, she might pull Ari back down on the bed with her.  After the door closed behind Ari, she lay on her back and stared up at the ceiling.  A million thoughts swirled in her head and it was hard to pick just one to focus on. 

Especially when her body was still humming with desire.

A little while later, her phone beeped and the desire spiked again when she saw the message was from Ari.  It was a picture of her in bed, her Elphie doll securely in her arms.  The text read: since I can’t sleep with my real Elphie

“Fuuuuck,” Cynthia groaned out loud.

How was it that Ari always knew exactly what to say, exactly what to do, to melt Cynthia’s heart like butter?  If she kept being so adorable, Cynthia didn’t know how she would survive the press tour.

Her logical self told her that she should not respond.  She should pump the brakes on all the flirting.  She should set some boundaries and treat Ari like she would treat any other platonic friend.

Of course, she didn’t do any of those things.

Instead, she took the Glinda doll that Ari had left behind, flipped her camera to selfie mode, and snapped a picture of her kissing the side of the Glinda doll’s face.  About a second after she sent it, Ari responded.

Never been so jealous of myself in my life

Cynthia grinned, then giggled, and then groaned out loud again.  There she was, a grown ass woman on the verge of superstardom, giggling and practically kicking her feet while she kissed a doll that vaguely resembled Ari.

It was pathetic.

But it was also kind of nice.

She looked at the Glinda doll and shook her head.

“I definitely should not sleep with you.”

But. 

She did.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which they have a moment at the Met Gala

Ari posed on the carpet at the Met Gala, cameras flashing and people screaming at her to look at them, turn this way, turn that way, her nerves getting more jumbled with every command. 

It wasn’t like she wasn’t used to red carpets and posing and dressing up.  She was used to it, and she generally liked it.  It still made her nervous, though. 

And she never quite knew what to do with her hands. 

Was she supposed to keep them at her sides?  Just dangle them lifelessly in front of her?  Why was there no position that felt natural? 

The minute she thought it, she and Cynthia turned around at the same time and Cynthia came to her side, wordlessly interlacing their fingers as they posed for the cameras.  Immediately, Ari’s nerves settled some and she squeezed Cynthia’s hands a little, and Cynthia squeezed right back. 

They took turns posing for one side of the photographers before they turned to pose for the other side.  Ari was doing her absolute best to focus on the cameras, but Cynthia’s outfit was incredibly distracting.  She had known Cynthia would wear something bold, but the half tuxedo-half ball gown-flower explosion was even more than she had expected. 

She had to force her eyes not to fixate on Cynthia’s exposed abdomen, but she was only human and she couldn’t stop the flashes of memories of her running her tongue up and down that shredded stomach.

And was Cynthia’s black thong poking out of the top of her pants?

Lord, she didn’t know how she would make it through the night without drooling all over herself.

She managed to pull it together, she thought, when they stopped to answer questions together and were finally able to go inside. 

“Thank you for holding my hand throughout all that,” Ari said.

Cynthia winked, her dramatic long eyelashes on full display.  “Any time, sweetheart.”

Ari reluctantly released Cynthia’s hands when they were accosted by other celebrities who wanted to chat and take selfies.  The next hour was a blur of conversations and pictures and a fancy seated dinner that Ari didn’t have the stomach for. 

Mostly because of the nerves of her upcoming performance. 

But also because Lena was sitting at the table with her and Cynthia, and she seemed to be going out of her way to keep her arm around Cynthia at every opportunity.  Ari’s discomfort must have shown, because every time she tortured herself by looking at the two of them, Cynthia discreetly slid her hand underneath the table and squeezed Ari’s knee.

Towards the end of the dinner, she and Cynthia were scooted off through a back door where they would change for their performance.  Right before they were rushed off into separate rooms, Cynthia took Ari’s hand and kissed it.

“Break a leg, love.  I’ll see you out there.”

Another wink.  And yeah, that was not helping Ari’s nerves.

Still, she got it together, because she was a performer.  The minute the spotlights were on her, her nerves melted away and she became Ariana Grande, the singer.  Not Ariana Grande-Butera, the actress.  Not Ari, the goofy Wizard of Oz nerd and Monopoly addict.  She was the singer tonight.  The persona she knew better than any of her others.

Her confidence grew with each song, and she felt a little spike of nostalgia when she dipped back as far as the “thank u, next” phase with “7 Rings.”  The crowd was into it, the dancers were vibing, and it was going really well.

The crowd really went crazy, when, towards the end of the set, Cynthia came out.

Ari was fine at first.  They’d sung together dozens of times by then, and even though Cynthia’s voice always blew her away, she had mostly learned to control her awe.  She stepped down to give Cynthia the entire spotlight for a minute, and that…was a mistake.

Because by stepping off the stage and kneeling on the stairs to simply observe Cynthia like everyone else was doing, her adrenaline finally began to slow down.  The Ariana Grande veneer started to slip.  And that just left Ari: the girl who was very inconveniently in love with her co-star and best friend, the woman currently blowing the roof of the building with her goosebump-inducing voice.

Ari was so entranced that she almost forgot her cue to rejoin Cynthia on stage. 

She did her best to get back into Ariana Grande mode, but she never quite managed it.  She had to close her eyes as they sang because she was afraid if she looked at Cynthia, she might get lost in her gaze and forget the words.  The couple of times she did open her eyes, it was like her body automatically reached for comfort and closeness by extending her hand towards Cynthia.

For a split second, Ari panicked.  Cynthia had told it was okay to hold her hand any time, but did that really mean any time?  Even when they were singing live, on stage, in front of a room full of A-list celebrities?  What if she had gone too far this time and it looked weird that she wanted to hold hands? 

Before her brain could concoct some insane list of disaster scenarios, Cynthia took her hand.  Easily.  Freely.  Like it was no big deal.  Like it didn’t bother her in the slightest that her peers were watching them hold hands while they sang.

And it wasn’t just a one-off, either.  Every time Ari started to hold her hand out, Cynthia met her halfway.  She wasn’t annoyed.  She wasn’t put-off.  In fact, as they held hands and their performance came to an end, she smiled so happily and sweetly at Ari that for a minute, Ari forgot where they were.  It seemed like it was just the two of them, in their little bubble, singing together and bonding in a way that was unique to them.

As the crowd roared and gave them a standing ovation, Ari opened her arms for a hug and Cynthia wrapped her up in something close to a bear hug: an arm over arm, full body press, type of hug.

“You were amazing, baby,” she said in Ari’s ear.

Ari didn’t know what was thumping harder: her clit or her heart.

“You, too,” she whispered back.

The minute they were off stage, they were barely able to take in the cheers and hoots from the dancers before Cynthia was wrapping her up in another hug.  This time, she lifted Ari off the ground.

“I’m so fucking proud of you!” Cynthia said.

Ari laughed, inhaling every bit of Cynthia’s attention and touch.  “I’m proud of you, too.”

Cynthia put her down and their faces were so close that Cynthia’s nose bumped hers.  Cynthia’s brown eyes were intense, especially with the huge eyelashes and pink glitter surrounding them.  For a long second, all the noise and people around them faded away to nothing and all Ari could see and hear and feel was Cynthia.  Her perfume.  Her warm body.  Her blazing eyes.

Eyes that flickered to Ari’s lips so fast that anyone else would have missed it. 

Ari’s clit jumped again.  How could a gaze feel so much like a touch that her body responded like she had been physically caressed?

“You guys fucking rocked it!” someone screamed.

The noise around them filtered back in and they came back to reality at the same time.  Cynthia moved away from Ari slightly and smiled.  A genuine smile, but not with the same kind of exuberance she showered on Ari.

“Aww, thank you!” Cynthia said.

She slid her hand into Ari’s and scratched her just slightly, and that seemed to wake Ari up.

“Yes, thank you,” Ari said quickly.

They held hands even as they one-handedly hugged the dancers and other well-wishers who came to congratulate them.  Ari said all the right words and smiled all the right smiles, but all she could think about was that spellbinding stare Cynthia had just given her and the completely insane notion that she might have kissed her had they not been interrupted. 

In public. 

Ari felt like she was in Lala Land and her eyes immediately scanned the backstage area for a door or a corner that she could drag Cynthia into.  She wasn’t thinking clearly or practically, just floating on the high of a great performance with the woman she loved.

Unfortunately for her, her bubble quite rudely burst when Lena appeared from the crowd of congratulators.

Cynthia must have spotted her at the same time Ari did, because she gave Ari’s hand one last squeeze before gently releasing their grasp on each other.  She smiled at Lena: a fake smile, by Ari’s estimation.

“Wow,” Lena said, smiling and clapping her hands.  “You two tore that up.  You sound crazy good together.  I think everyone out there was speechless.”

It was a nice compliment and seemed genuine, so Ari smiled.  “Thank you.”

Lena opened her arms in Ari’s direction and shocked the shit out of her by asking, “could I give you a hug?”

Ari’s eyes bugged out, and she immediately looked at Cynthia.  She wasn’t sure if she was silently asking “is this okay?” or if she was really asking “what the fuck is happening?  Is she going to stab me?” 

Cynthia looked equally confused, but she nodded, and Ari accepted the hug.

It was…nice?  She guessed?  Lena didn’t try to squeeze her or snap her in half.  She smelled good, like cologne and fresh laundry.  And then the hug was over.  No stabbing.  No nothing.

Ari was almost disappointed.

It wasn’t until that exact moment that she realized she had built up some kind of rivalry between her and Lena in her head.  Two women fighting for the affection of another woman.  In her mind, they were enemies.  But apparently, Lena didn’t feel the same way.  She seemed completely unthreatened by Ari’s existence or closeness to Cynthia, and after the hug, she turned to Cynthia and hugged her, too.

Which would have been fine if it had ended there.

But it didn’t.  

Because then Lena kissed Cynthia, slow and full on the lips, and Ari’s heart felt like it might rip in two.

Logically, intellectually, she knew that Cynthia was with Lena.  Duh.  Of course, she knew that.  She’d seen them together before.  Hell, she had seen them kiss before.

But that had been a long time ago.  Before she was aware of her feelings for Cynthia.  Before she was aware of Cynthia’s feelings for her.  Before they had fallen in love and slept together and done all the things.

Now, watching another woman kiss Cynthia felt worse than if Lena had actually stabbed her.

The tears sprang up almost instantly, and Ari turned around before Lena or Cynthia could see.  She squeezed her way through the crowd of people, not even offering an “excuse me” as she bumped her way through the sea of humanity.  The tears were threatening to stream down her face at any moment and she suddenly felt like if she didn’t get out of the crowd, she would scream.

She took a deep breath when she was finally away from other people, and she kept taking deep breaths to try to calm herself down as she wondered mindlessly from hallway to hallway, past art exhibits and people who said “hi” as she passed, until she found an empty hallway.  She pressed her back to a wall, eyes closed and breaths ragged, as she tried to remember how to self-soothe. 

Tears fell, hot and heavy, down her cheeks. Her chest ached with each shuddering breath. How could she have been so stupid? To think that Cynthia would choose her over Lena? That their stolen moments and tender touches meant more than a long-term relationship?

Calming music flowed from the speakers in the hallway.  Slow.  Rhythmic.  Ari tapped her fingers together to the beat of the song, trying to think only about that as her heart rate slowly stabilized.

She heard footsteps approaching and swiped at her eyes, hoping her makeup wasn't smeared beyond repair. She didn't want anyone to see her like this, especially not…

"Ari?" Cynthia's voice called out softly. "Are you okay?"

Ari's heart clenched. Of course, Cynthia had followed her. She always seemed to know when Ari needed her, even when Ari herself didn't want to admit it.

"I'm fine," Ari replied, her voice betraying her with a slight quiver. "Just needed some air."

Cynthia stepped into view, concern etched across her beautiful features. "You don't look fine."

Ari shook her head, not trusting herself to speak without breaking down completely. Cynthia moved closer, reaching out to touch Ari's arm gently. Ari slid her arm away and forced a smile.

“I’m okay. I got a little overwhelmed, that’s all.”

Cynthia studied her, her eyes intense and probing again.

“Are you sure?” she asked softly. “Because you seemed happy and not overwhelmed until Lena kissed me.”

And then, the tears were back. Ari pressed her lips together to prevent a full-on cry. She looked down, but Cynthia slid two fingers underneath her chin and made her look up again.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m sorry you saw that.”

Ari shook her head vehemently. “You don’t have to apologize. She’s your girlfriend. I get it.”

“Getting it and seeing it are two different things, and I know that hurt you.”

No amount of pressing her lips together as hard as she could, could keep the cries at bay that time. She broke down and Cynthia immediately wrapped her into a hug.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, baby.”

Ari clung to Cynthia, burying her face in her neck as the sobs wracked her body.  Cynthia’s warm hands rubbed soothing circles on her back.

"Shh, it's okay," Cynthia murmured. "Let it out."

After a few minutes, Ari's crying subsided to sniffles. She pulled back slightly, suddenly embarrassed by her outburst.

"I'm sorry," she said, wiping at her eyes. "I’m acting stupid. We just had this great performance, and I’m falling apart because your girlfriend who has the right to kiss you, kissed you.”

Cynthia cupped Ari's face in her hands, using her thumbs to gently wipe away the tears. "You are not acting stupid,” she said firmly. “Hey.  Look at me.”

Ari shook her head, looking down. "I just need a minute to get over it. I’ll be fine.”

Cynthia didn’t push it, but she didn’t let her go, either. She just held her while Ari did her best to stop crying and stop feeling so upset about something she had no right to be upset about.

“I’ll talk with Lena,” Cynthia said quietly. “I’ll tell her we can’t do any PDA while we’re promoting the movie.”

Ari’s head yanked up, eyes wide. “No, don’t do that. You don’t have to do that for me.”

Cynthia looked at her with pained eyes. “I can’t stand to see you hurt like this.” Ari’s lips trembled at the sincerity in her voice. “I’ll tell her the studio said something about it or whatever. That they want the focus on us, not our external relationships. I’ll figure it out…just…don’t cry. Please?”

“I…you…” Ari struggle to find the words to express the new, completely different emotion she was feeling. “You would do that for me?”

Cynthia’s lips curved into a soft smile. “Yes.”

“Won’t Lena be mad?”

“You let me worry about Lena.”

Ari searched Cynthia's eyes, looking for any sign of hesitation or insincerity. She found none. Only warmth, affection, and a fierce protectiveness that made her heart skip a beat.

"I don't want to cause problems between you two," Ari said softly.

Cynthia shook her head. "You're not causing problems. I'm the one who needs to figure out how to balance everything. And right now, making sure you're okay is my priority.  We’ve got a long press run ahead of us, and I don’t want you to feel like this again.”

Love and gratitude bloomed in Ari’s chest like the flowers on Cynthia’s dress.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Cynthia leaned in, pressing their foreheads together.  "Always."

They stood there for a moment, breathing each other in.  Ari felt her heart rate slow, the panic from earlier fading.  

Despite everything, she felt…safe.  Safe in Cynthia’s arms.  Safe in her presence.  Safe in her promise.

“I’ll try to do better, too,” she whispered. “And not have a meltdown next time.” She fiddled with a flower on Cynthia’s dress. “I guess I’m not used to not getting what I want, when I want it.”

Cynthia smirked. “Well, you are a bit of a princess.”

Ari smiled, even chuckled a little.

Cynthia kissed Ari’s forehead and whispered, “but you’re my princess.”

Ari shivered at that. She tightened her hold around Cynthia, burying her face in Cynthia’s neck and taking a deep drag of her scent. She sighed, instantly calmer, like she had just hit the best-smelling bong in the world.

They continued to hug, in no rush to let each other go, when the music playing through the speakers switched to H.E.R.’s “Process.” Slow. Sultry. Perfect for the moment.

“I love this song,” Ari whispered.

“Me, too.”

And without having to say a word to each other, they swayed to the beat. Their bodies went to one side together, then the other, and Ari lost herself in the music and the moment.

I'm just tryin' to process what just happened
I'm just tryin' to express what I'm feeling
When the pressure gets too intense, burn some incense
Stop and take a deep breath, release it

Cynthia's hand slid up Ari's back, coming to rest at the nape of her neck. Her fingers gently played with the wisps of hair there, sending tingles down Ari's spine.  Ari sighed contentedly, nuzzling closer into Cynthia's embrace. The vibrations from Cynthia’s voice rumbled against Ari’s body when she began to sing.

Holding it back like a slingshot, ayy
Holding it back like hair ties, ayy
It's pullin' my shirt, just let me go, oh
Cloggin' the drip, stoppin' the flow

It was just a song, Ari had to remind herself. It was just a song that happened to be playing while they were together. But she couldn’t stop herself from wondering if the lyrics weren’t too far off from how Cynthia felt. Was she holding back? Because God only knew that Ari was holding herself back with all ten fingers and all ten toes.

Cynthia sang the whole song to her while they danced, and when the vocals came to an end, they pressed their foreheads together again, eyes gazing, the energy so thick it could probably choke someone.

Cynthia was so close that Ari could practically taste her. There wasn’t a centimeter of space between them, and it would have taken nothing for her to kiss Cynthia.

But she knew.  If they went there, if they broke the rules, it would have to be Cynthia who did it.

So instead of kissing her lips, Ari kissed her forehead. She finally extracted herself from the hug but offered her hand.

“Ready?” she asked.

Cynthia hesitated, like maybe she was as affected by all this as Ari was.  But then she nodded and took Ari’s hand.

Later that night, after all the chatting and after-parties, when Ari was back home, she headed straight for the little notebook she kept next to her bed.  The notebook where she jotted down all her notes for music and arrangements and lyrics.

And she started writing.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which the floodgates open

Cynthia was not the type of person who sought out confrontation.

But she was also not the type of person who ran from confrontation when it appeared.

After a long night of schmoozing at Met Gala after-parties, Cynthia had a perfectly good excuse to delay her conversation with Lena.  She could claim she was tired (she was).  Or that it could wait (it probably could).  But the way Ari had been so sad bugged Cynthia all night.  She was on autopilot at the parties because all she could think about was Ari crying and being so hurt that Lena had kissed Cynthia right in front of her.

Which, in theory, should not have been a problem.

But it was a problem, because Cynthia loved Ari too much to be a willing participant in her pain.  And she knew if she didn’t nip in the bud immediately, it would only get worse.

So after she was out of her clothes and out of her makeup and resting comfortably in her hotel bed, she did her best to not overthink what she would say.  Her therapist’s advice came back to her; no shoulds or shouldn’ts.  She just needed to lean into her feelings.

“That was a fun night,” Lena said as she walked into the bedroom in her white tee and boxers.  “Everyone was talking about how good you girls sounded.  I’m proud of you.”

She tossed Cynthia a smile, the charming one she used when she wanted to woo someone, but Cynthia only nodded.

“I want to talk to you about something,” she said.

Lena turned off the big light, leaving only the side table lamps on.  She tossed back the comforter and scooted close to Cynthia.

“Shoot.”

Nerves suddenly attacked and for one small moment, Cynthia thought about not saying anything.  Lena looked completely unaware of what was coming and that made Cynthia feel bad.  But then she remembered how devastated Ari had been, and that made her feel worse.

“I don’t want us to do any PDA while I’m on the press tour,” she said, biting the bullet.

Lena frowned.  “Um.  Okay.  I don’t feel like we’ve been doing PDA at all.  Where is this coming from?”

The nerves flared up again.  “Tonight, when you kissed me in front of all those people backstage.”

Lena’s frown deepened.  “I mean, yeah.  I was proud of you and happy for you.  What was wrong with me kissing you?  You’re always asking for more affection, and now that I’m giving it, you don’t want it?”

“It’s not that I don’t want it,” she promised.  “I do.  And I know physical touch isn’t your main love language, and I appreciate that you make the effort to be more affectionate with me.”

“But…?”

How to word this next part?  She tapped her nails against each other, trying to come up with the best phrase, but Lena beat her to it.

“Is this about me kissing you in front of a bunch of people?  Or is it about me kissing you in front of Ari?”

She could have lied.  It would have been so easy to lie.  But she nodded her head.

“Ari and I need to be on the same page for this press tour,” Cynthia said before Lena could say anything else.  “We need to look like we like each other and like we don’t have any drama.  And you kissing me…well, it upset her.  And if she’s upset when we’re touring and doing interviews, people will notice and it’ll hurt the movie, and I really don’t want that.”

She was surprised by how her thoughts all came together like that.  It wasn’t the whole truth, obviously.  She left out the parts about Ari loving her and her loving Ari.  But she didn’t lie, either. 

Cynthia braced for some reaction from Lena.  Maybe some yelling.  Maybe some eye-rolling.  At least a bit of irritation.

But Lena simply sat quietly for a moment.  And then, she nodded.

“Okay.  I can understand that.”

Wait.

What?

“Okay?” Cynthia asked, the disbelief obvious in her tone.

“Yeah,” Lena shrugged.  “Okay.  You’ve worked really hard to get where you are, and I don’t want to mess it up for you.  I know Ari has a big crush on you, so if my kissing you hurts her feelings, I won’t do it.  No PDA on the tour.  Got it.”

Annoyance prickled a at Lena’s characterization of Ari’s feelings for her as “a big crush.”  She bit her tongue to keep from saying, “it’s not a big crush.  She’s deeply in love with me and seeing you kiss me devastated her.”  Because, what the hell purpose would that serve?  She was getting what she wanted, after all.

Still. 

“Thank you,” she said, even though there not as much sincerity in it as there probably should have been.

Lena smiled, then leaned over and planted a long kiss on her lips.  It was the kind of kiss that would have turned Cynthia on in the past.  Tonight, though, it only fed her irritation.

“Night,” Lena said with another kiss, before she turned over and turned off her lamp.  She moved around, getting settled, and was asleep within minutes.

Cynthia just stared at her and then pulled out her phone.  She put it on silent mode as she tapped a message to Ari.

I hope I’m not waking you.  I just told Lena that I don’t want to do any PDA.

Ari responded a few minutes later.

Omg, you did it already???

Cynthia smiled.  Yes.  I told you…I don’t want to see you hurt like that again.

Cyn…After about 500 heart emojis, Ari continued with: how did it go?  Are you okay?  Was she upset?

That’s the weird part.  It went shockingly well.  She wasn’t even mad.

That’s good, right?

Cynthia looked at Lena again.  A woman she had known for years and had been in a relationship with for several of those years.  She knew her inside and out: the good, the bad, and the ugly.  She had been certain Lena would have a fit over her request, and she just couldn’t wrap her head around why she had taken it so easily.

I think so.

Do you want to meet me for brunch tomorrow and we can talk about it?

Cynthia smiled, her heart doing a little flip at seeing Ari again so soon after only sporadic in-person time for weeks.

Yes, I would love that.

Yay.  I guess I should go to sleep so I don’t look like a zombie for our brunch date.

Lol, yes you should.  Good night, love.

Good night, my Elphie.

Just that little exchange helped Cynthia feel less off-kilter, and she was able to sink into sleep.

The next morning, she got up early to work out, as usual.  She and Ari had agreed to meet at 11, so she took her time in the shower after her workout.  When she walked into the bedroom, she found Lena just waking up.

“Hey,” Lena said groggily.

“Morning, love.  How did you sleep?”

“Great.  This bed is super comfortable.”  Lena rubbed her eyes and watched as Cynthia began laying out clothes on the bed.  “Where are you going?”

“Brunch with Ari.  Do you want me to bring you back something?”

“Actually,” Lena said, as she sat up, “I’ll come with you.”

Cynthia froze in her clothes-laying-out process.  “What?”

“Do you mind if I join you?” Lena asked.  “I can be ready pretty quickly.”

“Um…” 

What was the right thing to do here?  If she said she didn’t mind, it would ruin her alone time with Ari.  But if she said she did mind, Lena might go back on her easy promise of no PDA and ask more questions that Cynthia really didn’t want to answer.

“No, of course, I don’t mind.”

“Great,” Lena said with a smile.  “I’m sure by the time you’ve tried on five different outfits, I’ll be ready.”

She hopped up, waaaay more chipper than she usually was in the mornings, and slid by Cynthia to get to the bathroom.

Cynthia stood there, staring at the closed bathroom door, feeling like she'd just been hit by a truck. What the hell was happening? This wasn't like Lena at all. Lena hated mornings, hated brunch, and had never once shown any interest in hanging out with Ari.

She pulled out her phone to Ari on notice: Change of plans. Lena's coming too. I'm so sorry.

Ari's response was almost immediate: What??? Why???

I honestly have no idea, Cynthia typed back. She just invited herself. I couldn't say no without it being weird.

Between this and her not having a problem with the no PDA thing, don’t you think this is already weird?

Cynthia did, in fact, think it was weird. But she wanted to give Lena the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe, was all she said.

Do you think she’s going to stab me at brunch?

A snort escaped Cynthia’s lips.

No, crazy girl!

…okay. But if she asks for an extra butter knife, I expect you to jump in front of me.

Cynthia laughed despite the awkwardness of the whole situation. Leave it to Ari to make even this weirdo threesome suck a little less.

Thank you for making me laugh right now. Get dressed. See you soon.

Cynthia tossed her phone on the bed and rubbed her temples. This was not how she'd envisioned her brunch date going. If she was being honest, she had been looking forward to sitting a little too closely to Ari and touching her a little too much to be strictly professional.

Now, she actually would have to be professional.

What a bummer.

On the way to the restaurant, Lena seemed perfectly fine. Scrolling IG and reposting whatever random thing she thought was interesting. Laughing a few times at reels. Unthinkingly stroking Cynthia’s knee.

It was all so…normal.

And yet Cynthia felt like she was in the Twilight Zone.

“Babe, could I ask you something?” she asked, unable to bear all the questions in her head anymore.

“Shoot,” Lena said, eyes still glued to her phone.

“Why did you want to come to brunch with Ari and me today?”

Lena finally looked at Cynthia and shrugged. “Why not? You said it wasn’t a problem, right?”

“It’s not,” Cynthia quickly assured her. “It’s just…in all this time I’ve been working with Ari, you’ve never shown any interest in spending time with her.”

“Well.” Lena pursed her lips like she was thinking. “I guess before, I thought she was temporary, you know? Someone you’d work with and be friends with, and you’d move on. But now I see that she’s really important to you, and you’re important to me, so I want to get to know her. Is that not okay?”

And, well, damn.  It was a perfectly reasonable, even thoughtful, answer.

Cynthia felt like an asshole.

“Of course, it’s okay,” she said softly. She leaned over and kissed Lena. “I’m sorry for assuming there was something else to it.”

Lena smiled at her and squeezed her knee again.

“I could use one more of those before we get to the restaurant,” she teased.

Cynthia smiled and gave her another kiss. And then another. And she finally felt settled that she was just being weird and suspicious for no reason. It made sense that Lena would want to get to know Ari when Cynthia was so involved with her. Lena had taken the time to get to know Capri like that, too.

She chose to ignore the very small intuitive tingle that told her something was amiss.

When they got to the restaurant and were led to a secluded back table where Ari already sat, the nerves started up again. It didn’t help that Ari’s eyebrows were on their maximum anxiety setting.

“Hi,” Ari said, awkwardly standing like she didn’t know how to greet other humans.

Cynthia saved her with a hug and whispered in her ear, “it’s fine. She said she knows you’re important to me and she just wants to get to know you better.”

Ari’s stiff shoulders relaxed a bit and she nodded before offering a hug to Lena, too.

Cynthia watched the exchange, feeling like she should be happy that her girlfriend and best friend were being nice to each other.

She wasn’t unhappy to see it.

But she was…something.

Hmmm.

“I hope you don’t mind me crashing you ladies’ brunch,” Lena said, as she slid into the half-moon-shaped booth behind Cynthia.

“No, no, not at all, of course not,” Ari said, the words rushing out like a hurricane the way they did when she was extremely nervous.

It was actually kind of adorable.  Cynthia slid her hand underneath the table and gently squeezed her knee.

“It’s okay,” she told her quietly.

And to Cynthia’s absolute shock, it was okay.  Throughout brunch, Lena was as well-behaved and kind as Cynthia could have hoped for.  She didn’t touch Cynthia at all.  Didn’t kiss her or hold her knee or display any kind of affection.  She let Cynthia and Ari talk without butting in.  When she did speak, she looked at Ari with her whole attention and asked thoughtful questions that someone might ask when they actually wanted to learn about a person.

It was fine and well and good.

And for a one-off, it would have been great.

The problem was that over the next few weeks, any time Cynthia and Ari happened to be in the same place at the same time and they had time to get together, Lena invited herself, too.  When Cynthia said she would catch a ride, Lena said, “oh, don’t worry, babe, I’ll take you.”  When Ari had invited Cynthia over to her place, Lena said, “why don’t you invite her over here?”  And each time this happened, Cynthia had no idea how to say “no,” or that she wanted some time with just her and Ari.

It came to a head one night after Ari texted her to ask: Will we ever have time for just the two of us again? 

And no matter how much Cynthia wanted to believe that Lena was totally great with her relationship with Ari, she knew she had to put her foot down, because something was going on.  So, she put on her mental big girl panties and marched down to Lena’s office, where Lena was laser-focused on whatever she was typing.

“Hey, babe, could we talk for a quick second?”

“Uh-huh, what’s up?” Lena asked, eyes still on the computer.

Cynthia eased into her lap, because she figured closeness might make the situation easier.  It did get Lena’s eyes off the screen and on her.

“Not that I don’t appreciate you wanting to get to know Ari,” Cynthia started.  “I do.  Very much.”

“But…”

“But it seems that lately, whenever Ari and I have a moment to spend together, you’re always there.  And I can’t help wondering if you keep tagging along because you’re trying to keep an eye on us or something.”

Lena made a face like that was the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard.

“Keep an eye on you?  For what?”

“That’s what I’m asking you.”

“I don’t think there’s anything for me to keep an eye on.  I’ve watched you two interact and it’s very sweet, you know?  You’re sweet and cute together.  It’s like puppy love.”

She smiled when she said it, like it was a compliment.  But that same flame of irritation lit up inside Cynthia as when Lena had called Ari’s feelings “a big crush.” 

“Puppy love,” Cynthia repeated, hoping her annoyance came through in her tone.

“Yeah,” Lena laughed. 

“Well, puppy love notwithstanding, I would like to hang out with her unchaperoned sometimes, if you think you can manage that.”

Lena barked a laugh.  “I’m not your chaperone, babe.  Unless you feel like you need one?”

“No, I do not need one.”

“Okay, well, it’s cool with you me if you don’t want me to come along all the time.”

Again, right answer.  But wrong everything else.

“So, you don’t have a problem with my relationship with Ari?” Cynthia asked, wondering why she couldn’t just let this sleeping dog lie.

“No.”

“And you’re not jealous?”

“Damn, Cyn, I’m telling you no.  Do you want me to be jealous or something?”

“No.”

“Is there something I should be jealous of?”

And there it was.  The question that had been lingering underneath every interaction for months.  Cynthia knew it had been there, and she didn’t understand why she was trying to dig it up when Lena appeared content to leave it alone.

“No,” she said firmly.

“Okay, then.  Just accept that you have a cool-ass girlfriend that’s not tripping about your little crush and we can let it go.”

The irritation that had previously been at a 3 on a 10-point scale spiked to a 5.

Cynthia bit her tongue, not wanting to escalate the situation further. She forced a smile and nodded, sliding off Lena's lap.

"You're right. Thanks for understanding," she said, her voice tight.

“You’re welcome.  And besides,” Lena said, returning her attention to her computer, “I know you like to be handled in bed, and ain’t no way somebody as little as Ari is doing all that for you.”  She looked at Cynthia and winked.  “I’m not worried.”

Ten. 

Ten.  

TEN.

Cynthia’s annoyance morphed into full-on, red-hot, ten-point RAGE, and it took every angel and demon in Heaven and Hell to keep her from saying, “you would be surprised.”

Instead, she bottled her anger up into balled fists and flared nostrils, and she walked out of the office before she could say or do something with long-term consequences. 

Her mind raced with questions.  How dare Lena dismiss her feelings for Ari as nothing more than a "crush" or "puppy love"? And that comment about Ari not being able to handle her in bed? It was infuriating and degrading to both of them.

She grabbed her phone and fired off a quick text to Ari.

I need to see you.  Now.  Alone.

Ari's response came almost instantly.

I’m home. Come over.

"Perfect," Cynthia replied, already heading for the door.

She didn’t actually have a license to drive, but she was competent behind the wheel and every now and then, she bent the rules a little and drove when the situation called for it.

This situation called for it.

As she drove to Ari's house, Cynthia tried to calm herself down but it wasn’t working.  All she could see and feel was RED.  When she pulled into Ari’s place, she was just about to get out when the front door opened and Ari scurried out in an oversized sweatshirt and bare feet.  She tossed the passenger door open and slid inside.

“Ethan’s here,” she said by way of explanation as she slammed the door behind her. “I couldn’t get him to leave. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Cynthia said.

Ari took Cynthia in and reached over to rub her hand.

“What happened?  Why do you look so upset?”

“Because I’m fucking furious,” Cynthia told her.

Ari’s eyes widened, and it occurred to her that Ari had never seen her angry.  Upset?  Sure.  Sad?  Definitely.  Overwhelmed, tired, annoyed.  But never angry.

“Okay, what happened?”

Cynthia took a minute to breathe and get her mind together, all aided by Ari consistently rubbing her hand and waiting patiently.

“After I got your text about if we’ll ever hang out just the two of us again, I brought it up with Lena and told her that I want to have time alone with you.  And she was fine with it.  Said okay and all.”  As she replayed the conversation in her head, Cynthia realized how stupid it sounded to be mad that she’d gotten what she wanted, and her shoulders deflated.  “I should have just let it go.  I should have taken my win and shut up, but I didn’t.”

“Okay, it’s okay,” Ari told her, still caressing her hand.  “Obviously something else happened.”

“She made this comment.  She said what you and I have is puppy love, and it really pissed me off.”

Ari’s eyebrows furrowed.  “…okay.”

“And it’s not the first time she’s said something like that.  Before that first brunch, she said you just have a big crush on me.  She keeps dismissing what we have like it doesn’t matter.”

Ari’s eyebrows furrowed even deeper.  “…okay.”

“And then!”  Cynthia getting mad all over again.  “She said something that made me so angry that I had to leave before I completely lost it.  I asked her directly if she’s jealous of you and she said she’s not because she knows I like to be,” she did air quotes with her fingers, “handled in bed, and that there’s no way you could do that for me.”

There was a long pause, then Ari spoke.

“Let me make sure I understand,” Ari said slowly.  “You’re mad.  Like, really, really mad.  Because your girlfriend thinks that I don’t know how to fuck you right?”

“YES!”

Cynthia groaned and threw her hands up, like “can you believe the nerve of this bitch?”

She had not thought through how Ari might react to this affront on her name.  She hadn’t thought through any of this, really.  But the reaction she got from Ari was not what she expected.

Because instead of sharing her outrage or flying off the handle or launching into some F-bomb-fueled tirade about Lena, Ari’s lips started trembling.  Her hands flew to her mouth to stop whatever was about to come out, and Cynthia briefly wondered if she was about to cry.

But she didn’t cry.

She laughed. 

Hysterically.

Ari laughed so hard that her face turned red and she doubled over in her seat.

“Why the hell are you laughing?” Cynthia finally asked.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Ari said, barely able to speak through her laughs.  “Oh my God.”  Tears streamed down her face, and Cynthia was well and truly confused.

“What is happening right now?”

“Babe,” Ari said, almost out of air, “do you…do you want me to come over and…give her a live demonstration?”

She doubled over again, and it was only when she said that that it occurred to Cynthia how absolutely nuts she had to sound.  Because the fact was: she was mad that her girlfriend had implied that Ari, her supposedly platonic friend, didn’t know how to fuck her correctly. 

And what the hell kind of thing was that to be mad about?

All the anger left her body, replaced only by bewilderment at her own reaction.

“I’ve lost it,” she said quietly.  “I’ve gone mad, haven’t I?”

“No, no,” Ari said, even though she was still laughing.  “I mean, maybe.  A little bit.”

Cynthia shook her head at herself.  “I’m a nutter.”

“You’re not!”

Ari really did her best to suppress the laughing, and her being so amused actually made Cynthia smile a little.

“What the hell is wrong with me?” she asked, completely serious.

“You’re under a lot of stress,” Ari said, being much more charitable than Cynthia was being with herself.  “And maybe you’re frustrated, because it’s obvious that you’re not being handled regularly enough.”

She burst into laughter again, and this time, Cynthia did, too.  All that tension and stress came out in hyena-like laughter and Cynthia was sure that if anyone saw them, red-faced and clutching their stomachs, they would have thought they were on something.

“Oh, God,” Cynthia groaned, when they had finally calmed down somewhat.  “I cannot believe I came all the way over here, mad as a hatter, for this.  I’m sorry.”

“No, please don’t apologize,” Ari said, her eyes still sparkling with amusement.  She reached over the console with both hands to take Cynthia’s.  She kissed them one by one.  “I’m glad you came over.  I want to be the person who can share anything with.”

All the hot anger Cynthia had been feeling melted into warm fondness at Ari’s genuine expression.

“How do you always do that?” she asked quietly.

“Do what?”

“Say the right thing.  Do the right thing.  Make me feel better even when I’m acting like an ass?”

“You’re not acting like an ass, okay?” Ari said, trying to convince her.  “And actually, I think your reaction is really sweet.”

Cynthia snorted.  “What about this is sweet?”

“You,” Ari said, with a soft grin.  “Wanting to defend my honor.”

“I almost told her, ‘she handles me extremely well, thank you very much.’”

The warmth in Ari’s eyes blazed with a little something extra for a second, and Cynthia spotted the way her eyes darted to Cynthia’s lips and back.

“You know that’s probably what she wanted,” Ari said quietly.  “She wants to goad you into telling her what we did, without having to ask.”

“Is that what this is about?”  Cynthia felt exhausted by just the thought.  “Why won’t she just ask me?”

Ari shrugged.  “Some people aren't great at communicating their feelings. Maybe she doesn't even fully understand why she's acting this way.”

Cynthia sighed and leaned her head back against the headrest.  She eyed Ari, whose hands were still on hers.

“You’re being very kind to her,” she said quietly.

“I mean, I get it,” Ari admitted.  “I’d probably act crazy if I felt like I was losing you, too.”

And there was something about those words, the and vulnerability and sincerity of them, that shifted the energy in the car.  The mood had gone from angry to confused to hilarious to sweet to…well, if the pulse that shot through Cynthia’s center was any indication, sexy.

“There you go, saying the right thing again,” she said, her eyes never leaving Ari.

Ari’s smile was a little shy.  “I’m just being honest.”

“I know.”  Cynthia slid her hands from underneath Ari’s and interlaced their fingers.  “And I love that about you.  Your honesty.  Your vulnerability.  The fact that I could come over like a raving lunatic and now I feel calm again.”  She brought Ari’s hands to her and kissed each knuckle.  “You’re good for me.”

She didn’t miss the way Ari’s breaths stuttered.  Or the way her eyelids got a little bit heavier.  Or the way her tongue peaked out of her mouth and licked her lips.

After all the emotions she’d felt in the last five minutes alone, Cynthia simply didn’t have the energy to suppress any more feelings. 

She tugged on Ari’s hands, leaned over the console, and whispered, “come here.”

Ari met her halfway and their lips crashed, both of them moaning and immediately opening their mouths to devour each other.  It had been months (four agonizingly long months) since they had kissed and they didn’t hold back.  They sucked each other’s tongues and lips, groaning and whimpering like they were each other’s last meals.

Cynthia's hands found their way to Ari's hair, tangling in the soft strands as she deepened the kiss. Ari whimpered and gripped Cynthia's shoulders, and when the console got in the way, she simply climbed over it and into Cynthia’s lap, never once breaking their contact.  She straddled one of Cynthia’s thighs and ground down.

“Mmm, baby,” Ari moaned against Cynthia’s mouth.

That sound was like rocket fuel to Cynthia’s libido, and she grabbed Ari’s hips and brought her down hard on Cynthia’s flexed thigh, making the friction even more intense the second time.

“Ah, fuck!” Ari cried out.

Cynthia’s lips dropped to Ari’s neck and she sucked the skin there, still controlling Ari’s hips and rocking her back and forth.

"God, I've missed you," Cynthia breathed.

"Me too," Ari panted. "So much."

Their bodies moved together in a desperate rhythm, the windows fogging up from their heavy breathing. Cynthia knew they shouldn't be doing this: not here, not now. But she couldn't bring herself to stop. Having Ari in her arms again felt too damn good.

She probably wouldn’t have stopped, had it not been for the loud shrill of her phone, buzzing and knocking against the cup holder. She pulled her lips away and saw Lena’s name popping up on the screen, and it was like ice water on her head.

“Shit, it’s Lena,” she whispered.

Ari grabbed Cynthia’s face and kissed her again, slipping her tongue inside until Cynthia groaned.

“Silence it,” she said against her lips.

And maybe she would have, except now Cynthia remembered how all of this had started. She was mad at Lena. And something about doing this while she was mad at Lena felt wrong.

When Ari dropped down to kiss her neck, Cynthia allowed it for a few seconds before her good sense woke up again.

“Wait, wait,” she whispered, gently pulling Ari off of her.

An aroused Ari was very had to say “no,” to. Hair mussed. Lips wet. A wild look in her eyes, like she might do anything Cynthia asked her to.

Fuck.

“We need to stop,” Cynthia said with the last shred of brainpower she had.

“What? Why?”

“Because I don’t want it like this.”

Ari looked around, confused. “In the car?  We can go inside.  I can lock Ethan in the basement.”

Cynthia laughed and planted a soft kiss on her Ari’s lips.

“No, not in the car. I mean, yes, the car is part of it. But I mean this.” She held up the phone, with the missed call notification. “I feel like if we have sex right now, it’ll be because I’m trying to prove something to Lena. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to feel like I’m using you.”

“You can use me. I don’t mind,” Ari said, obviously completely out of her mind. She dove in for another kiss, which Cynthia just barely dodged.

She gently held Ari by the chin and said, “but I do mind. You deserve more than that.”

Ari groaned and pouted and probably would have stomped her feet if she had been standing.

“But you got me all wet,” she whined.

Cynthia had to close her eyes and imagine unsexy things like contracts and band-aids and toilet paper to keep her mind off thinking about what was underneath that sweatshirt.

“Yes, well, trust me, that’s a mutual problem.”

“That doesn’t heeeeelp,” Ari whined more.

Cynthia chuckled and gave Ari one more kiss. "Come on then, back to your seat before I lose all willpower."

Grumbling, Ari climbed off Cynthia's lap and flopped back into the passenger seat. She crossed her arms and pouted dramatically.

"You're mean," she muttered.

"I know, I'm terrible," Cynthia agreed. "But you'll thank me later when we can do this properly."

Ari perked up at that. "Is that a promise?"

Cynthia didn’t even hesitate. "It's a promise.”

Ari's face lit up with a brilliant smile. "Okay.  Text me when you get home.”

“I will.”

Ari leaned over the console, lips puckered, and Cynthia made a show of rolling her eyes but kissed her again. She meant to keep it nice and innocent, but of course, Ari immediately grabbed her face and tongued her down.  Cynthia groaned and was well on her way to losing her resolve, when Ari pulled away and growled, “you better keep that promise.”

And then she was out the door, not quite prancing back inside her house.

Probably due to the condition between her legs.

Cynthia took a moment to clear her head and sent Lena a terse message that she was on her way back home.

When she was back home, she texted Ari.

I’m home, love. Thank you for putting up with me tonight. I’m sorry I was all over the place.

Cynthia sat impatiently in the car, not wanting to go inside until she heard back from Ari.

ok

Cynthia’s face screwed up.

Ok? That’s all you have to say?

It took another couple of minutes before she got Ari’s response.

Busy

Now Cynthia’s whole body was tight. What the hell were these messages? One-word responses? Taking whole minutes to reply? Her brain spun out in all kinds of directions. Was Ari actually mad at her for how she had left? Or that they hadn’t finished what they started in the car?

Are you upset with me?

No

Then why the short responses? And why is it taking you so long to answer?

When Ari responded again, Cynthia’s whole body got hot.

Masturbating

She slapped the phone down on the passenger’s seat and looked around, like maybe someone else might be in the car or could see the message Ari had just sent. Hot, wet want gripped her body as she imagined what Ari was doing. Was she using her fingers? A toy? Was she watching something or reliving what they had just done?

How was Cynthia even supposed to respond to that???

She sat still as a statue for a minute, trying to get her mind together before she had to go inside and face her girlfriend, even as she dripped with desire for someone else. When she didn’t hear from Ari for a few minutes, she thought she was in the clear.

She was wrong.

Another message came right before she was about to get out of the car.   A 20-second voice note.

Cynthia’s pulse thumped in her ears and her fingers shook with anticipation when she opened the note and pushed “play.”

Immediately, with no warning, no intro, no lead-up of any kind, the note began with Ari screaming.

“Fuck, baby, I’m coming!”

And then there were 19 seconds of the loudest, filthiest, most indecent sounds Cynthia had ever heard. Wetness. Screams. Cursing. Deep, satisfied groans at the end.

All Cynthia could do was blink.

And listen to it over and over and over again.

When she finally went inside, she was in a state.

Mouth agape.

Brain fried.

Pussy throbbing.

What the fuck had she just started?

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which they are almost busted

One of the things that Ari loved most about her connection with Cynthia was how well they communicated, verbally and non-verbally. 

When they were in the same space, they were able to speak to each other in so many ways that didn’t involve words.  A raised eyebrow.  A hand squeeze.  A finger rub.

Even when they weren’t together, they could still feel each other’s energy.  Ari could tell Cynthia’s mood from the punctuation in a text.  She knew what was being said, and what was left unsaid.  And after their steamy little hookup in the car and Ari’s voice note, there was a lot that was left unsaid. 

In fact, the next day, they carried on like they usually did.  They texted and left voice notes and FaceTimed.  They talked about what events they had coming up together and individually.  Anybody listening to them talk or reading their texts would have had no clue about what had transpired between them.

Yet, even though they didn’t talk about it, Ari could almost feel the current of sexual tension in their messages.  Several times, she wanted to just ask Cynthia if she had listened to the voice note.  Did she like it?  Did she hate it?  Were they just never going to discuss it?  There was a part of her that itched to know, that wanted to call Cynthia and straight up ask, “why are we acting like this never happened???”

But there was another part, a bigger and slowly maturing part, that had learned something about Cynthia.  And that was: sometimes, it was best to simply wait.  To let Cynthia come to her.  Just like she’d waited for Cynthia to make a move to kiss her.  She knew if she waited for some kind of signal from her, it would be so much better than if Ari forced the issue herself.

And then, one night, it happened.

It had been a normal day of texting and talking, and Ari was flitting about her New York apartment in the middle of an impromptu dinner party with some friends, when her phone lit up with a notification. 

My Elphie loved a message

Ari smiled, thinking Cynthia had liked one of their messages from that day.  But when she unlocked her phone and went to their message thread, she didn’t see any hearts attached to any of the messages.  She frowned, scrolling up and up and up, still not seeing what message Cynthia liked.  It wasn’t until she kept scrolling up their million of messages that she finally saw it.

A heart on the voice note.

That voice note.

Ari’s face heated up, and it wasn’t from the wine she was slowly sipping.  She could have sent a message to Cynthia asking, “what does this mean?”  But she knew what it meant.

It was Cynthia’s indirect way of not only saying she liked the voice note, but asking for another one.

Ari bit her lip, barely managing to hold back a squeal.  Her friends talked to her and she tried to listen, but all she could think about was Cynthia lying in bed, listening to her voice note, wanting more.

“What are you grinning at?” Frankie asked, hip-checking his sister as he poured himself another glass of wine.

“Oh, nothing,” she said with a smile that she couldn’t wipe off her face.

“Please, I know that look.  Who just sent you a dick pic?”

Ari laughed and smacked his arm.  “Nobody!”

“Mm.  Well, a pussy pic, then.”  Her cheeks burned and he gasped.  “Oh my God, you dirty little slut, you did get a pussy pic.  Who’s busting it wide open on your phone?!”

“Shut up!” she said, dragging him out of the kitchen and into her bedroom before anyone else could hear.  “Nobody sent me a pussy pic, you pervert.”

“Somebody sent you something.”

She wanted to tell him.  She really did.  But she felt like whatever she and Cynthia were doing was probably something she needed to keep under wraps for the moment.  She’d already told Victoria, and Lord only knew that Frankie could not keep his mouth shut when he was titillated by fruity gossip.

“I can’t tell you,” she finally said.

He gasped dramatically, hand on his chest and everything.  “And just why the hell not?”

“It’s…”  She nodded her head from side to side.  “…new.”  She settled on.  Because Frankie might respect that something was new and give it a little space before he bombarded her with questions.

“Hmmm,” he said, pressing the wine glass lip to his mouth.  “And what of our little ginger munchkin?”

“Don’t start,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“Hey, you’re the one who decided to take that carrot stick for a ride.”

She smacked him again and they went back to the party, and she did her absolute best to be a good hostess while not thinking about Cynthia lying in her bed somewhere, naked and wet, listening to her voice note on repeat.

Of course, that was the exact moment Cynthia texted her again.  This time, it was a single emoji.  The doe-eyed “please” face.  Like she was begging. 

Cynthia Erivo, bad bitch extraordinaire, who had not said a single fucking word to even indicate that she had listened to the voice note, let alone liked it, was wordlessly begging for another one.

Ari had to turn to the fridge and pretend to get something just to hide her furious blush.

She was going to send another one, obviously.  But there were two problems.

1. She had a house full of people.
2. She felt like she should get something in return.

So without thinking through it much, and bolstered by wine, she texted back.

I may need a little inspiration.

Ari waited anxiously, her heart pounding as she watched the three dots appear and disappear on her screen. What would Cynthia say? Had she pushed too far? Just as she was about to backpedal with a joke, another message came through.

It was a black screen, with the gray little “play” symbol in the middle.  Ari’s face got so hot that she felt like she might melt, and she quickly excused herself to the bathroom because she wasn’t sure what kind of inspiration Cynthia might have sent. 

The minute she was safely ensconced in the locked bathroom, she turned the volume almost all the way down and hit play. 

The blackness, as it turned out, was a pair of extremely tight black spandex shorts stretched out over Cynthia’s muscular ass.

“Fuck,” Ari whispered.

Cynthia walked away from the camera to reveal that she was obviously mid-workout from earlier in the day.  Her lime green sports bra was sweaty, along with her arms and back.  The video was a full three minutes of her doing squats and leg lifts and other ass-enhancing exercises, and Ari watched with wide eyes and an open mouth.  When the video ended, she texted Cynthia.

Give me 10 minutes.

She returned to the living room, almost feeling bad about kicking her friends out but not bad enough to not do it.

“Hey, guys, I’m so sorry, I just got scheduled for a super early meeting, so I’ll have to cut this short.”

Her friends groaned in disappointment, but began gathering their things. Ari smiled and nodded, making apologetic noises as she ushered them towards the door. She hugged Frankie last, ignoring his suspicious look.

"You better tell me everything later," he whispered.

"Goodnight!" Ari chirped, shutting the door firmly behind him.

She leaned against it, heart racing. Alone at last.  She hurried to her bedroom, shedding clothes as she went. Once naked, she settled onto her bed and opened her voice memo app with trembling fingers. She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves.  And then they were immediately shot to hell when her phone rang.

Cynthia.

Her pulse quickened even more and her voice was shaky when she answered, “hello?”

“Was that inspiration enough for you?”

Cynthia’s voice was deep and husky, and Ari was instantly soaked.

“Yes,” Ari whispered.

“Mm.  Why did you need ten minutes?”

“Because I had to kick everyone out.”

Cynthia hummed, and Ari’s clit jumped at the sound.

“You ended your party for me?”

“You sent me the begging face emoji.”

That got a laugh out of Cynthia, and Ari’s hand slid down between her legs and she had to bite back a hiss at how wet she was.

“Is that all I had to do?  Send you a begging emoji?”

“I was going to do it even before you sent it,” Ari confessed.

Silence fell between them, and Ari used that time to spread her wetness around, and she sighed into the phone.

“Do you know how many times I’ve listened to that voice note?” Cynthia asked, her voice nearly a ragged whisper.

“How many?”

“An ungodly amount.”  Ari put the phone on speaker so she could use her left hand to very lightly toy with her clit while her right hand teased her entrance.  “I can’t believe you sent that to me.”

“I can’t believe you made me that wet and then left me,” Ari fired back, even though her voice was not nearly as defiant as her words.

“Have you been thinking about me?” Cynthia asked, sounding fully in control of herself.  Which only made Ari wetter.

“Yes,” she whimpered.

“What have you been thinking about, baby?”

Ari dipped one finger inside and cursed.  “Shit,” she sighed.  “I’ve been thinking about how I wish you had fucked me in the car.”  She slid another finger in and moaned.  “How I wish you had gone back home with your car smelling like me.”   

Cynthia's breath hitched audibly. "Fuck, Ari. Are you touching yourself right now?"

"Yes," Ari moaned, her fingers moving faster. "Are you?"

"I've been touching myself since I sent you that emoji," Cynthia admitted. "God, I wish I was there with you."

Ari's hips bucked against her hand. "What would you do if you were here?"

"I'd spread you open and taste you," Cynthia growled. "You taste so fucking good."

Ari whimpered, her fingers circling her clit more urgently. "God, yes. I want you so much, baby."

“I know you do. And I want you, too. And right now, I want to hear you come for me.”

“Fuck,” Ari groaned. Her left hand worked her clit hard while her fingers worked inside, curling to hit her just where she needed it. She screamed and her eyes rolled back when she found that perfect spot. “Baby,” she cried.

“God, you sound so fucking sexy,” Cynthia groaned. “I want you to scream my name when you come. Will you do that for me?”

“Yesss!” Ari cried.

Cynthia kept talking her shit, inching Ari closer and closer.  Hell, she could have read the phone book and it would have gotten Ari off.  Their call became a back-and-forth of heavy breathing and needy whimpers, until Ari felt the telltale signs of her body about to climax.

“Fuck, babe, I’m so close.”

"Come for me, Ari," Cynthia commanded, her voice low and urgent. "Come like you would come all over my tongue.”

The dirty words and the image in her head of doing exactly that sent Ari spiraling into a mind-numbing orgasm. Her body tensed and she screamed, not giving the slightest damn about who might hear her.

"Cynthia!" she cried out. "Oh god, Cynthia!"

She trembled and shook, riding out the aftershocks as Cynthia's ragged breathing and drawn out groans filled her ear. She was only semi-present enough to hear Cynthia scream her name in return, punctuated little breaths following as she came down from her own orgasm.

“Mm, babygirl,” Cynthia purred, her voice thick with arousal. "You sound so beautiful when you come."

Ari hummed contentedly, her body still tingling. "You should be here with me," she said softly.

“I know.”

They stayed on the phone, whispering sweet nothings to each other until Ari was barely able to keep her eyes open.

And just like before, they didn’t talk about it.

It became an unspoken agreement between them. 

They didn’t have phone sex all the time.  Most of the time, their communications were perfectly normal and their usual level of flirty and sweet.  But when either of them sent that pleading-eyed emoji, they knew what it meant.

It went on like that for a month, into July, when Cynthia was wrapping up the filming of her episode of “Poker Face.”  She’d been in upstate New York for eleven days, and as much as Ari wanted to visit her, she got the feeling that Cynthia was overwhelmed by the six different characters she was playing.  Every time they Facetimed, she looked a little more worn down and a lot more confused.  During one of their phone calls, she seemed to be struggling to even recall what day it was.

“Cyn, I think you might have bitten off more than you can chew with this one,” Ari told her, unable to stop the concern in her voice.

“I’m fine,” Cynthia told her, even though she sounded like she was about two minutes away from falling into a week-long sleep.  “It’s a lot, but I’m almost done.”

“I want you to come see me after you're done filming,” Ari told her.

“I know.  I will.  I’ll stop by, and…”

“No, I don’t mean stop by.  I want you to stay.  Let me take care of you for a day before you run off to your next adventure.”

There was a long pause, the same as it was every time Ari had suggested that Cynthia spend the night with her.

“Babe,” Cynthia started.

“No,” Ari said firmly.  “This is just like when you wanted to keep going after we did the Ozdust Ballroom and I had to put my foot down.  I’m putting my foot down now, too.  You’re doing way too much, and you’re going to burn out before we even get to the hardest part of the press tour.”

“Okay, yeah, I hear you,” Cynthia started.  “But I don’t think my staying the night with you would be a good idea.”

“I promise I’ll keep my hands to myself,” Ari said, completely sincere.  “I’ll even sleep in another room or on a couch.  Just, please.  Let me lay eyes on you in person and know that you’re okay.”

Ari held her breath, expecting more pushback. 

“Okay,” Cynthia said.

Ari’s eyebrows shot up.  “Okay?  Really?”

“Yes, really,” Cynthia said with a little laugh.  “I want to see you, too.  And you did take really good care of me before.”

Ari beamed and poked her chest out like a peacock.  “I’ll get all your favorite foods.  I already have your favorite tea.  I’ll treat you so well, I promise.”

She could hear Cynthia’s smile on the phone.  “I know that,” she admitted quietly.  “You always treat me how I want and need to be treated.”

Ari’s chest warmed with pride and fondness.  “So you’ll stay?  Just for a night.”

“Yes, love, I’ll stay for a night.”

And when she showed up the next day, Ari was so happy that she had insisted that she come over.  Cynthia all but fell into her arms, and Ari cradled her and kissed her cheeks and breathed her in.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” she whispered.

“Me too,” Cynthia whispered into her neck.

Ari spent the rest of the night fussing over Cynthia like she was a newborn.  She ran her a hot bath with bath salts and calming music.  She made all her favorite vegan snacks and food.  She made Cynthia’s tea exactly the way she liked it.  And when Cynthia could hardly keep her eyes open anymore, Ari led her to her big bed and tucked her in.

“Mmmm,” Cynthia moaned without restraint.  “Your bed is soooo comfortable.”

Ari giggled.  “Yes.  It is.”

“I want to live here forever,” Cynthia sighed, already halfway asleep.

Ari sat on the edge of the bed and pressed the back of her hand to Cynthia’s cheek, just taking her in.  She got a little emotional, seeing this larger-than-life but smaller-than-a-breadbox woman snuggled up underneath her comforter, practically mumbling in her sleep about how much she never wanted to leave. 

She realized how much she also didn’t want Cynthia to leave.

Before she could spiral down that road to nowhere, she leaned down and kissed her cheek.

“Good night.  I love you.”

“Love you,” Cynthia mumbled.

Ari kissed her cheek again and then stood up, grabbing her favorite blanket with the intention of keeping her promise to sleep on the couch.  She was just about to scoot out the door, when Cynthia sat up with about a second’s worth of awareness and asked, “where are you going?”

Ari blinked.  “To the couch?”

“Why?”

“…because.  You said it’s not a good idea for us to sleep together.”

Cynthia pouted in a way that was much more Ari-like than Cynthia-like.  “But I don’t want you to leave me.”

“But you said…”

“Stay with me?  Please.”

And how could Ari possibly say no to that? 

She went back to the bed and joined Cynthia under the covers.  She was hardly even settled before Cynthia curled up to her, purring and rubbing her legs against Ari’s legs and her nose against Ari’s neck.

“Mmm, yes,” she groaned.

And she then she was knocked out.

Ari had to hold back a laugh so she didn’t wake her up.  She wrapped both arms around Cynthia and kissed the top of her head.

“Love you so much,” she whispered.

She was absolutely determined to keep her hands to herself all night, just like she’d promised.  (Other than the snuggling, of course).  And she did exactly that.  After her heart rate slowed down from the excitement of sharing a bed with Cynthia again, the day caught up to her and she drifted off to sleep.

She kept her hands to herself.

Cynthia…did not.

It was smack dab in the middle of the night when Ari awoke to soft lips pressed against her neck. At first, she didn’t think much of it.  Just an affectionate peck.  She wrapped her arms around Cynthia a little tighter, barely awake enough to do much else. 

But then there was another kiss.

And another.

Ari’s eyes flew open when Cynthia full-on sucked her neck.

“Ugh,” she sighed, as she turned her head so Cynthia could have better access.    

“I want you,” Cynthia whispered in her ear.

“I want you, too.”

Cynthia turned Ari's head to her and pressed her lips to Ari’s.

The mood went from zero to a hundred real quick. 

Their tongues danced as Cynthia's hand slid down and cupped Ari over her pants.  She worked her open palm over Ari, and it didn’t take long before Ari's thin pajama pants were clinging to her wet center.

"God, you're so wet for me," Cynthia murmured, her voice husky with desire.

Ari could only whimper in response and her hips bucked, seeking more friction.

“Stop teasing,” Ari begged.

In one fluid motion, Cynthia tugged Ari's pajama bottoms down and off. Then she was between Ari's legs, her breath ghosting over sensitive flesh.

"Do you miss my mouth on this pussy?” she asked, that teasing and entirely too sexy smirk in her tone.

Ari groaned and opened her legs as wide as she could. Which was pretty fucking wide.

“Yessss,” she whispered.

“Mmm, me too.”

Cynthia had just, just put her mouth on Ari, nearly making Ari come immediately, when Ari’s phone rang.

Odd. Because she kept her phone on Do Not Disturb during the night and the only person who had permission to reach her no matter what was currently running her tongue up and down Ari’s slit.

“Fuck!” she breathed, totally ready to forget about the call.

But then it rang again. And again.

Cynthia groaned and pulled her mouth away. “You might need to check that, baby.”

Ari groaned so loudly that she was sure the people on the first floor could hear it. She kept her legs splayed in front of Cynthia and maneuvered her upper body to grab the still-ringing phone from the nightstand. She frowned when she saw Frankie’s name.

“You better not be drunk-dialing me,” she growled into the phone.

“Bitch, are you fucking Cynthia!?”

Now that woke her up. Ari’s back shot off the bed until she was sitting up perfectly straight, Cynthia giving her a questioning look even as she kissed Ari’s inner thigh.

“What?” Ari asked, much quieter than before.

“Are. You. Fucking. Cynthia?” Frankie asked, punctuating each word like she was an idiot.

Ari’s mind raced. How the fuck would Frankie know that? 

“Why…why would you ask me that?” she asked quietly.

“So, first of all, you have not answered my fucking question. And secondly, I’m asking you that because some dude who says he danced at the Met Gala for you sent me a DM with a picture of you two and you look might damn cozy together."

“What?!”

What picture? What dude? 

“I just sent you a screenshot of the message,” Frankie said. “And I sent you the picture, too.”

Ari scrambled to get to her messages. The screenshot read:

Hi, I’ve been trying to reach your sister but she hasn’t responded to my messages. So I thought I’d try you. I was one of her dancers at the Met Gala performance and I caught this really cute pic of her and Cynthia after they sang. I wanted to post it, but not sure if it violates my nda. Could you ask her, so I will know if I can post it? Thanks!

And then there was the picture.

In it, Ari and Cynthia stood in that empty hallway at the museum. The picture was taken from the side and showed them wrapped up in each other’s arms, foreheads pressed together.  The look they were giving each other was…well.  More than friendly.  They weren't kissing, but they did look like maybe they had just kissed or were about to.

“What is it, baby?” Cynthia asked quietly as she abandoned her post between Ari’s legs and came to sit next to her.

“OH MY GOD!” Frankie screamed through the phone, so loudly that Cynthia could hear him.  “Is she there with you right now?  Are you two fucking right now?  Is she the one sending who pussy pics?!”

Cynthia’s face crumpled into one of fury, wordlessly asking “who the hell is sending you pussy pics?”, and Ari immediately grabbed her hand and shook her head.

“Nobody is sending me pussy pics,” she said both for Cynthia’s benefit and Frankie’s.

“Oh my God, she’s there. How could you not tell you me?!”

“Frankie, I have to go. I’ll call you later.”

“Oooh, bitch, you got some ‘splaining to do!” he screamed before bursting into hysterical laughter. Ari hung up on him and dropped the phone so she could cover her face with her hands.

“What is going on?” Cynthia asked quietly, her voice full of concern.

Ari just handed the phone to her, so she could see for herself, and braced for impact. Her heart banged out of her chest, and she tried to mentally prepare herself for the shutdown that she knew was coming. It wasn’t the worst picture in the world, but it was definitely not great, and she knew Cynthia would put on her Capricorn hat and go into problem-solving mode.

So much for sexy times.

“Hm,” Cynthia hummed after staring at the picture and the screenshot for a minute or two. “This is…not ideal.”

“I know,” Ari sighed.

“Has anyone else seen this?”

“I don’t know. I guess I should call my people in the morning and find out what was in that NDA.”

“Yeah, that would probably be best.”

Cynthia handed the phone back and they sat in silence for a moment. Ari shivered a little and it only occurred to her that she was pants-less. The wet heat of her arousal that had felt so good earlier now felt cold and uncomfortable. Cynthia got her pants from the floor and slid them back up Ari’s legs.  Then, she grabbed the blanket and wrapped it over Ari’s body.

“Thank you,” she said quietly.

"Of course," Cynthia replied softly. She reached out and gently tucked a strand of hair behind Ari's ear. "Are you okay?"

Ari let out a shaky breath. "I don't know. I'm worried about what this means. For us, for the movie..."

Cynthia nodded, her brow furrowed in thought. "I understand. But let's not panic just yet. We don't know who else has seen this or if it will even become an issue."  She hesitated for a moment before continuing. "Whatever happens, I'm here.  We’re in this together.  We'll figure it out.”

And that surprised Ari. She’d half-expected Cynthia to hightail it out of her apartment and not talk to her for a few days.

“We will?” she asked hopefully.

"Of course," Cynthia said, her thumb stroking Ari's cheekbone. "Did you think I was going to run away because of one picture where we’re not actually doing anything scandalous?"

"I... maybe?" Ari admitted sheepishly.

Cynthia took Ari’s hand and brought it to her lips to kiss it.

“I’m not running away again,” she promised. “I tried that before and it didn’t take.” Ari smiled a little. “But I do think that maybe we ought to…cool off a bit.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Cynthia sighed. “We are being a bit reckless.”

“We’re not!” Ari defended, having given it absolutely no thought.

Cynthia gave her a look. “We kissed in front of McKenzie when we didn’t even know who she was. We made out in your car where someone definitely could have seen us. We’re sending each other voice notes and videos…”

She grimaced, like even she hadn’t realized how ridiculous they were being.

“Maybe this is a warning that we need to tone it down,” she continued.  “Somebody may have even seen me come up here and if this picture got out, people would run with all kinds of theories about what we were doing all night and they wouldn’t be wrong.”

Ari's shoulders slumped. As much as she hated to admit it, Cynthia had a point. They had been careless, caught up in the excitement and newness and intensity of their relationship.

"So what does this mean for us?" Ari asked, her voice small. She was afraid of the answer, but she needed to know.

Cynthia took a deep breath. "I think... I think we need to take a step back. Not end things," she quickly added, seeing the panic in Ari's eyes. "But maybe cool off the physical stuff for a while.”

Ari pouted and fell back dramatically. “What’s a while?”

“I don’t know,” Cynthia admitted.

Well, that sounded like forever! It took everything in Ari to not kick her legs and feet up and down and have a full-on tantrum. She hated this. She hated wanting someone so much yet somehow always being prevented from having her. Was she cursed or something?!

“Okay,” she said, because really, there was nothing else to say.

She wrapped herself up fully in the blanket and lay on her side, away from Cynthia.

“Babe,” Cynthia said gently.  Ari felt Cynthia hug her from behind, even through the thick blanket. “Don’t be upset with me.”

“I’m not upset with you. I’m upset with the Universe.”

Cynthia laughed. “Don’t be. The Universe brought us together.”

“And now it’s keeping us apart.”

Cynthia tugged on the blanket, and Ari let her unravel it enough that Cynthia could join her underneath it. She nearly sighed at how good it felt for Cynthia’s strong arms to wrap her up from behind.  Soft lips kissed the back of her neck.

“It’s not forever,” Cynthia whispered. “The time will present itself, I’m sure of it. When there aren’t so many eyes on us. When we can be a little freer with our feelings.”

Ari sighed and nodded, turning in Cynthia's arms to face her. "You're right. I know you're right. I just... I want you so much."

Cynthia's eyes softened. "I want you too, baby. More than you know." She leaned in and kissed Ari softly, a kiss full of promise and longing.

When they parted, Ari rested her forehead against Cynthia's. “So, does the no-sex thing have to start tonight, or…?”

Cynthia pulled away to laugh a deep throaty laugh. “Yes, it starts tonight, you bad girl.”

“But whyyyy?” Ari whined. “I’ll be so quick.  I swear.  The oven’s already preheated.”

Cynthia laughed again. “Because! If we do it tonight, we’ll want to do it in the morning, and it will just make everything that much harder.”

“UGH!” Ari groaned again and banged her head into a pillow.  “Fine,” she said, her voice muffled.

She spent the new few minutes trying to get comfortable.  She lay facing Cynthia.  Then away from her.  On top of her.  Next to her.  And throughout it all, she sighed and groaned and huffed.

“Something the matter, darling?” Cynthia asked, her voice irritatingly amused.

“I’m horny!  This it the second time you’ve gotten me all worked up and didn’t finish.”

“I’m sorry, love,” she said sincerely.  “But I know if I start touching you again, I won’t want to stop and we’ll be right back in the same position.”

Ari, who was currently lying on her side facing Cynthia again, sighed and rested her head on Cynthia’s chest.  She was still aggravatingly wet.  She wondered if it would be rude to slip off to the bathroom to just handle it so she could sleep without feeling like she was going crazy.  As if reading her mind, Cynthia titled Ari’s chin up and whispered, “but I suppose I couldn’t stop you from touching yourself.”

Even Ari knew that touching herself while Cynthia lay right next to her was stretching the absolute limits of the meaning of “no sex.”  But alas, she was just a horny girl in bed with the love of her life, and who was she to say no?

Ari leaned in close enough that their noses were touching.  “Will you talk me through it?” she whispered.

“Yes.”

All that heat returned full force.  

They kept their eyes on each other as Ari slid her hand down, her knuckles brushing against Cynthia’s body the whole way.  She gasped when she was met with her own wetness.

Her fingers circled her clit, already swollen and aching for attention. She bit her lip to stifle a moan.

"Tell me how it feels," Cynthia whispered.

"So good," Ari breathed. "I'm so wet."

"I know, baby. I can still taste you on my lips."

As if the words weren't hot enough, Cynthia made a show of licking her lips and Ari’s eyes fluttered shut and she moaned.

“Fuck,” she whispered.

Cynthia's voice was low and husky. "Slide a finger inside."

Ari obeyed, whimpering as she pushed one finger into her slick heat. She pumped it slowly, her thumb brushing her clit with each stroke.

"That's it," Cynthia encouraged. "Add another finger for me."

Ari complied, gasping as she pushed a second finger inside herself. Her hips began to rock against her hand as she built up a steady rhythm.

"You look so beautiful like this," Cynthia murmured, her eyes dark with desire. "I wish I could touch you."

"Me too," Ari whimpered.  She was getting close already, her body wound tight from all the teasing earlier.

“How would you want me to touch you, baby?” Cynthia whispered, her lips brushing against Ari’s.

“Your hands on my ass,” Ari said, pumping her fingers harder and working her hips back and forth. “Your…your mouth on my neck.”

“Mmm,” Cynthia mumbled, and that nearly did Ari in. “You like when I suck your neck?”

“Yesss.”

“Where else you do like me to suck?”

“Fuck, everywhere,” Ari groaned.

Ari's movements grew more frantic, her fingers pumping in and out while her thumb rubbed quick circles on her clit. She buried her face in Cynthia's neck to muffle her moans.

“That’s it, baby,” Cynthia said. “Do it like you want me to do it. Get those fingers as deep as you can.”

“Fuck!” Ari cried out.

“Are you close?” Cynthia asked.

“Yes.”

“Are you about to come for me?”

“Yes!”

Ari’s eyes were squeezed shut, her nose in Cynthia’s neck, while she worked herself over, harder and harder and harder. She felt Cynthia’s hand gently squeeze her neck and her full lips on Ari’s ear.

“You know what I want to do to you?” Cynthia whispered in her ear.

Ari shivered, still chasing that high. “W…what?”

“I want to pull out that big green dick and fuck you senseless.”

It was like a bomb exploded inside Ari at the thought of that.  The memory of it.  The desire to feel it again.  She screamed into Cynthia’s neck as she tightened around her own fingers and came so hard that she nearly blacked out.  The pleasure was so intense that she couldn’t stop moaning even when the orgasm finally wore out.

“That’s my girl,” Cynthia said, and Ari could hear the smile in her face.  “That’s my princess.”

“Fuck.”  It was the only word Ari could muster at the moment.  “Just…fuck.”

Cynthia laughed in her ear and gave her a barely-there kiss on the cheek.  “Do you think you can sleep now?”

“Mmm.”

She groaned again when she slowly slid her fingers out of herself and she wiped them on her pants before wrapping her arm around Cynthia.  Cynthia nuzzled against her.

“You’re gonna be the death of me, you know that?” she asked.

Ari managed a smile.  “Not if you kill me first.”

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which they pretend

Cynthia always cried at weddings.

There was just something so beautiful about two people coming together in front of their loved ones, declaring their love and promising to stick it out together.  Cynthia was all too aware that marriage didn’t actually guarantee a happily ever after, but she really liked the idea of it.  She hadn’t been the type of kid that daydreamed about her wedding or fantasized about wedding dresses.  But she did daydream about the idea of forever with one person she loved and who loved her.

This wedding in particular was hitting her hard emotionally.

Maybe because she was so confused about her own romantic life.  On one hand, she had Lena, her long-term girlfriend who was currently sitting next to her and smiling as the happy couple had their first dance.

And on the other hand, there was Ari.  What word could even describe her relationship with Ari?  Friend was obviously insufficient.  Friend with benefits was trashy and inaccurate.  Even girlfriend felt too small to capture everything she felt for her.  She was on Cynthia’s mind constantly, even as Cynthia sat at her friend’s wedding, holding her girlfriend’s hand.  She wondered what Ari was doing.  If she was thinking about Cynthia.  If she would be crying because of a first dance between a newly married couple, too.

It was a lot to think about.

Good thing she could blame her tears on the sweet scene in front of her.

Lena squeezed her hand gently and offered a handkerchief. "You okay?”

Cynthia plastered on a smile, hoping it looked genuine.  She dabbed at her tears.  "Just getting sentimental, you know how I am at weddings."

Lena chuckled and nodded, seemingly satisfied with that answer. She put her arm around Cynthia, and Cynthia allowed it and tried to enjoy it.

After their dance, the newlyweds made their rounds to everyone, thanking them for coming. When they got to Cynthia and Lena, one of the husbands wrapped Cynthia up in a big hug while the other slapped Lena’s back.

“Congrats, man, congrats!” Lena said.

“You two are absolutely gorgeous,” Cynthia said, starting to get teary-eyed again.

“We are so happy you two made it,” one of the husbands said. “And come on, as many of these as you guys have been to, when it’s gonna be your turn?!”

Lena’s smile faltered just a little bit and Cynthia’s stomach sank.

Marriage…was a sore spot.

Cynthia didn’t know how to answer, but Lena’s smile slipped back into place and she played it off with, “oh you know, give it time, give it time.”

Luckily, they didn’t get any more wedding or marriage questions, and the rest of the party went off without a hitch. It was nearly midnight when they finally slid into the car, heading for home.

“That was nice, wasn’t it?” Lena asked.

“It was. They’re a beautiful couple.”

“Yeah.”

Uncomfortable silence hung between them for a few minutes, before Lena broached the elephant in the car.

“Are you okay?’ she asked.  “You know, after the marriage question?”

“Yeah,” Cynthia said too quickly.  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I know it’s a…delicate…subject.”

“Nothing delicate about it,” Cynthia said, shrugging like it didn’t matter when it definitely did.  “I want to be married.  You don’t.  That’s all there is to it.”

Lena sighed.  “You know it’s more to it than that.”

“I know you always say it’s more to it than that, but the bottom line is that I believe in marriage, and you don’t.  End of story.”

“It’s not just that I don’t believe in it.  I didn’t believe in it before, and I tried to do it to make someone else happy, and…”

"I know, I know," Cynthia cut her off, not wanting to rehash the same old argument.  They had talked about it to death over the last several years, and they just didn’t agree.  She sighed, leaning her head against the seat and looking out the window.

“Do you even want to be married, or do you just want to have a big fancy wedding?” Lena asked, trying to inject some humor into a tense conversation.  “Because if you just want to have a big party, we can do that.  All day.”

Cynthia knew she was trying to lighten the mood, which normally, she would have gone with.  But tonight, she wasn’t feeling it.  Her heart was already loaded down with all her conflicting emotions.  She didn’t want to add their disagreement about the purpose of marriage on top of that.

“It’s fine,” she said.

But her tone told both of them that it really wasn’t.

They rode in silence the rest of the way to the house, and they had just barely gotten inside when Lena said, “a couple of the guys want to hang out.  Mind if I step out for a minute?”

Cynthia felt a combination of irritation and relief.  They had just gotten home, and Lena was already leaving?  Cynthia felt like they really, really needed to spend some time together, but at the same time, she also wanted some alone time with her thoughts.

“Sure,” she sighed.

Lena leaned in and kissed her.  “Thanks.  Don’t wait up for me.”

“I wasn’t going to,” Cynthia grumbled.

Lena was out the door before Cynthia was even upstairs.  She carried herself to the bathroom and mindlessly showered and brushed her teeth and slipped on the first pair of mismatching pajamas she could find.  She hugged and kissed her dogs and got them comfortable on her bed before she slid underneath the covers, hoping sleep would just take her away.

It didn’t.

Her head was too full and her heart was too heavy.  When had her life gotten so complicated?  As if the Universe was sending her a direct answer to that question, Ari texted her.

U up?

A tired smile tugged at Cynthia’s lips.

First of all, I don’t appreciate the booty call language in that text.

Lololololololol, Ari responded.  And second of all?

Yes, I’m up.  We just got back from the wedding.  Why are you up?

Because you’re not here to hold me.

The smile got a little bigger.

You’re being very cheeky.

Maybe bc I want your hands on these cheeks.  My butt cheeks.  Not the cheeks on my face.

Cynthia snorted.

You’re a rascal, but thank you, I needed that laugh.

Why?!  Who hurt my Elphie???  Do I need to kill them???

Before Cynthia could even answer, Ari was FaceTiming her.  That big goofy grin was still on Cynthia’s face when she answered.  Ari appeared on her screen, lying in bed and turned on her side to face the camera.

“I don’t have any weapons,” Ari started, completely skipping the “hello” part.  “But I’m sure my mom does and she’d probably let me borrow one to get the job done.”

Cynthia snickered.  “As much as I love how down you are to cause bodily harm to someone for me, that won’t be necessary.  Nobody hurt me.”

Ari scrutinized Cynthia’s face.  “Then why do you have sad eyes?”

Cynthia’s smile softened, that Ari-induced warmth wrapping itself so lovingly around her heart. She supposed that was the gift and the curse of being so seen by someone.  As good as it felt to be known so well, it also meant that she was never able to hide her emotions.

“The wedding brought up some uncomfortable feelings, that’s all.”

“Tell me about it?”

Cynthia turned on her side, too, to make it feel like they were lying in bed next to each other.

“I want to get married,” she admitted softly.  “I’ve always wanted it.  Maybe because my dad wasn’t around and I saw how hard it was for my mum to do it on her own.  I don’t know, as weird and unconventional as I am about other things, marriage is something I value and I want to experience.”

Ari nodded, giving Cynthia all of her attention. 

“Lena doesn’t want that.  And to be fair, she’s always been honest about it.  When I met her, I was so much younger and immature.  I thought I was okay with not being married as long as we were committed.  And if I’m honest, I guess I thought I could change her mind at some point.  Like she’d realized that she loved me so much, that she couldn’t stand the thought of not making it official with me.”

“But she hasn’t changed her mind?” Ari asked.

“No.  And then at the wedding, the husbands asked us when it would be our turn, and it hurt my heart, you know?  To see this sweet coming-together of souls and knowing that I won’t have that.”

“You won’t have that…with her,” Ari amended.

They had already been looking at each other, but Cynthia felt like in that moment, they were really looking at each other.  Something unspoken lingered in the air between them, like they were truly right next to each other and not just over the phone.  Cynthia’s heart did a funny little flip and she suddenly felt like she couldn’t quite get enough air into her lungs.

Was she insane to think Ari was implying something with that statement?

Something that was much, much too big for Cynthia to unravel in the middle of the night.

“I want to get married, too,” Ari told her.  “I mean, I know I just did and it didn’t work out.”  She flipped her hand like her marriage had been a bug on her windshield.  “But I mean, I want to get married for real at some point.”

Cynthia smiled a little.  “Was your marriage not for real?”

“It was, but I went into it too fast.  I just wanted to be married so badly that I did it with the first person that I thought would do the trick.”

“Do the trick?  Ari, it’s marriage.  Not changing the oil in your car.”

Ari laughed and shrugged.  “I know.  I mean, I know that now.  I didn’t at the time.  But I want to do it again.”  She paused.  “This time, for life.  And this time with the right person.”

Okay, yeah, Ari was definitely putting something down, and the only safe thing for Cynthia to do in that moment was to act like she wasn’t picking it up.

"You look tired," Ari said softly, her eyes still locked on Cynthia's through the screen. “I should let you sleep.”

Cynthia nodded, feeling the weight of the evening pressing down on her. "Yeah, I should probably try to rest. Thank you for letting me talk about this, Ari. You always know how to make me feel better."

"You can talk to me about anything.  That’s what I’m here for.”  Ari's smile was warm, but there was something else in her expression that Cynthia absolutely did not want to acknowledge. "Sweet dreams."

"You too," Cynthia whispered, ending the call.

When Cynthia set her phone on the nightstand, she noticed that her hands were shaking.

And she wasn’t going to think about that, either.

A few days later, they were in Paris for the opening ceremonies at the Olympics.  Cynthia and Ari reunited with hugs and squeals, like they hadn’t seen each other in years and like they didn’t talk every single day.  They had dinner together, but it wasn’t the intimate affair they might have liked because they had a big entourage: Lena and Ari’s family and friends had all traveled with them.  Jon and his wife were there, too, so they had to be on their best behavior.

Cynthia figured that was probably a good thing.

The day of the opening ceremonies was a flurry of activity: outfit checks, makeup, and lots of pictures.  Cynthia and Ari took the pictures separately at first, and when they met up in a hallway to do their grand entrance together, there were more squeals.

“Oh my God, you look so good!” Ari grinned.  “I fucking love this hat!”

She touched the brim of Cynthia’s slightly askew big green hat, and Cynthia grinned. 

“Thank you, darling.  You look stunning, as usual.”

Ari looped her arm in Cynthia’s, looking happy as a clam for them to finally have a minute together.  Although she didn’t show it as much, Cynthia felt that same sense of giddiness and relief. 

How was it that a week or two apart felt like an eternity?  And why was it that every time they were within arm’s reach of each other again, Cynthia’s body felt like it could finally relax?

(Rhetorical questions; she knew why).

As they made their way to the red carpet for their big entrance, everything was going smoothly.  Ari chatted excitedly while Cynthia got the lay of the land about how far they would have to walk, which reporters were going to ask questions, and the like.  They were just getting ready to walk down the carpet together, when Ari pulled an Ari and made the most diabolical statement imaginable while keeping a completely straight face.

She leaned into Cynthia’s ear and whispered, “let’s pretend like we’re walking down the aisle at our wedding.”

Cynthia’s head snapped to Ari, her eyes the size of dinner plates, but Ari was already facing forward, Glinda smile in place, ready to do that damn thing.

“Let’s get moving, ladies,” one of the event coordinators said, even giving them a very gentle nudge.

Ari started walking, almost dragging Cynthia until Cynthia’s brain kicked in and she remembered that she actually had to lift her feet and walk.

She went on autopilot, immediately falling into step with Ari and looking for all the world like an unbothered megastar.

Meanwhile, her brain was so fucking scrambled, she could have served it on a plate with some toast.

Let’s pretend like we’re walking down the aisle at our wedding.

What.  The.  Entire.  Fuck. 

How was she supposed to concentrate or think about anything other than pretending like they were at their wedding?

Cynthia couldn’t tell whether the heat flooding her face and body was anger at Ari for dropping that ridiculous bomb on her the second they were supposed to walk…or if it was some kind of totally misplaced, wildly inappropriate, mind-bogglingly confusing arousal.

As she walked and her thighs rubbed together, she became infuriatingly aware that she was wet.

And that only made her angrier.

Because seriously.  What the fuck was wrong with Ari to say that?  And what the fuck was wrong with her to…like it?!

Everything after that was a blur.  She had no idea what she said to anyone, including the interviewers.  She moved on muscle memory to pose and smile and take pictures.  She had no clue how long the photos and promo took place.

Because every last one of her cells was currently dedicated to fighting the slew of images attacking her brain.

A wedding on a beach.  An aisle made of flower petals.  Their friends and family seated in white chairs, looks of love and excitement on their faces.

Ari in a white wedding gown.

Fuck!

When they finally got back to the hotel, Cynthia immediately removed herself from Ari and tried to ignore the hurt look on Ari’s face.

“Are you okay?” Ari asked.

No, I’m not fucking okay! was the predominant thought in Cynthia’s mind.

Cynthia thought about dragging Ari off to one of their rooms.  She thought about cornering her and demanding to know why she would put such thoughts into her head.  She thought about screaming at her and telling her how crazy and inappropriate it was to even think something like that.

But she didn’t.  Because she was fairly certain that if she got Ari in a room alone, she would push her up against a door and very much not talk. 

Instead, Cynthia forced a smile and said, "I'm fine. Just tired from all the excitement. I think I'll head to my room and rest before dinner."

"Oh," Ari said, her face falling slightly. "Okay. Do you want company?"

"No," Cynthia said, perhaps too quickly. "I mean, I really just need to lie down for a bit. Alone. I'll see you at dinner, yeah?"

Ari nodded, still looking concerned. "Of course. Text me if you need anything."

Cynthia gave a small wave and turned to leave.  But she was stopped when Ari took her hand and slowly walked into her line of vision again.  She stood in front of her, a vision in pink, so close that Cynthia felt her body heat.  Ari gently took Cynthia’s face in her hands.

And she didn’t say a word.

She just looked at Cynthia, doe eyes on their maximum doe-like setting. 

God damn her and those eyes.

“You shouldn’t say things like that,” Cynthia whispered, her voice tight with the feeling of impending tears.  “You know how much I want that.”

Cynthia clenched her jaw, her eyes suddenly starting to sting.  When a couple of tears fell completely against her will, Ari wiped them away with her thumbs.

“And you know I wouldn’t play with your heart,” Ari whispered back.

Somehow, Cynthia did know that.

And it terrified her almost as much as it excited her.

Ari continued to wipe away her tears.  Then, she leaned in and kissed Cynthia full on the lips.

In the middle of a hallway.  Where anyone could have seen them.

And Cynthia simply could not bring herself to stop it.

She let Ari kiss her.  She let Ari slide her tongue inside her mouth.  She let Ari groan into her mouth and suck her lips. 

She let herself give it back as good as she was getting it.

When they broke apart, Ari looked at her with heavy-lidded eyes and flushed cheeks.  She ran her thumb over Cynthia’s wet lips and whimpered.

“I’ll see you at dinner.”

She walked away, like she hadn’t just fucked up Cynthia’s entire existence twice in one day, and Cynthia walked back to her room on wobbly knees. 

The rest of the night, much like most of the day, was hazy.  Cynthia knew they all went to dinner together again, but she had no idea what anyone said or did or what she even ate.

Because every time she and Ari locked eyes across the table, all she could sense was heat.  Desire.  Longing.  And the longing was for much more than sex. 

It was a wonder their stares didn’t start a fire.

Later that night, Cynthia drank her most sleep-inducing tea and when she awoke in the morning, she did so with a renewed sense of strength.  She was not going to let that tiny, devilish, entirely too addictive woman throw her off her axis for a second day.

Absolutely not.

And that promise lasted for about five minutes once she and Ari were together again.

It started when they arrived to see Simone Biles compete.  Ari damn near wrapped herself around Cynthia’s body and insisted that they walk in together.  Much to Lena’s chagrin.

“Guess I’ll see y’all in there,” Lena said sarcastically.

“Yep, see ya!” Ari said with a little hand flip.

Photographers snapped pictures and videos of the two of them entering, and Ari didn’t release her hold on Cynthia until they were in their seats.  Cynthia thought (wrongly, of course) that with so many eyes on them and so many friends around, that Ari would act right.  Jon and his wife were right in front of them.  Frankie and his husband were right next to them.  Cynthia was sitting with Ari on one side and Lena on the other, for God’s sake.

None of this mattered to Ari.

Cynthia wondered if she even saw any of the event because Ari spent the whole time yapping in Cynthia’s ear, showing her videos on her phone, and at one point, inserting her fingers into the loops on the cuffs of Cynthia’s shirt…apparently for no other reason than to touch her.

It was torture.  But it was also…not.

When they got back to the hotel later that day, Cynthia headed straight for the shower and turned it on the frostiest setting.  She stripped out of her clothes and stood underneath the frigid water, hoping it would cool off her overheated body and knock some sense into her brain.

It did not do anything to quell the throbbing wetness between her legs.

Wetness she ignored, because she absolutely refused to get off to the idea that Ari had planted in her head like some kind of deadly nightshade.

Only, the fantasies lingered. 

No matter what she did.  No matter what she thought about.  As she lay in the bed, she looked at a sleeping Lena and couldn’t fight the comparison her brain made.

Lena couldn’t give her something that she really wanted.  Something that would make her feel safe and loved in a relationship.

And there was Ari, someone who could give her what she wanted and, if her ridiculous hints were true, wanted to. 

It was dangerous to think. 

And it was incredibly dangerous to want.

She did her best to put it out of her head and she thought that maybe she had succeeded. 

She thought that until she was back home in LA and she was in her bed.  She scrolled on IG and every now and then, her burner account on Twitter, when she came across a post that made her heart stop in her chest.

It was a picture of her and Ari at the gymnastics event.  Her body turned towards Ari.  Ari’s fingers playing with the loops in her shirt.  And the caption read: it’s giving rich wives

Cynthia stared at it for so long that she had to keep touching her phone screen to keep the screen from going to sleep.  Her heart pounded.  Rich wives?  That couldn’t be a coincidence, could it?  After Ari had put that thought into her head, now some random stranger on the Internet could see it, too?

She took a screenshot and before she could think better of it, she sent it to Ari. 

No context.  No notes.

But she knew that Ari would know what she was saying.

Okay.  Let’s pretend.

Ari liked the message.

And the game was afoot.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which the shit is aimed at the fan

The press tour began in earnest after the Olympics. Ari’s life was a whirlwind of interviews, podcasts, photo shoots, and appearances.  Some she did by herself, and some she did with Cynthia. 

Of course, she preferred the events with Cynthia.

Ever since she had agreed to play along with Ari’s little fantasy of them getting married, Ari had taken to sending Cynthia messages any time they were able to be publicly boo’d up under the guise of promoting the movie.

Excited to see you, wifey.

Good morning, Mrs.

And her personal favorite: can’t wait to marry you again today ;)

Cynthia, being the levelheaded one in their lovefest, never responded with words or any other type of encouragement. 

But she liked all the messages.  Every single one.

“Okay, bitch. Spill.”

Frankie took a long, dramatically gay sip from his straw and arched an eyebrow at his sister.  She had escaped his nosiness for weeks, somehow, and finally he demanded to know exactly what was going on with her and Cynthia.  He sat on Ari’s couch, legs perched underneath him and back perfectly straight, poised for every juicy detail.

So, Ari spilled.  From their first meeting to everything that had happened on set and after.  Frankie knew some of it already, but this time, she gave him the full outline.  Except, of course, the part about them pretending to get married every time they walked down a red carpet.

One grave disadvantage of having an older brother who knew her like the back of his hand, though, was that she didn’t have to tell him this for him to already know.

“Mm hm,” he hummed, after she felt like she had been talking non-stop about Cynthia for at least an hour.  He’d said all the appropriate “ooh”s and “ooh”s and “bitch, you didn’t!”s during the storytelling, but now he was eerily quiet.

It unnerved her.

“So, where is your little notebook where you’ve doodled a bunch of hearts and her last name with your first name and a list of your possible children’s names?” he asked, dry as fuck.

Ari’s cheeks immediately flamed and her mind went to a junk drawer where she did, in fact, have such a little notebook.

“I haven’t thought of that!” she lied.

Frankie just blinked.

“Uh-huh,” he said, obviously not buying it.  He waved a hand and said, “well, anyway, where is all of this going?”

“Where is it going?”

“With you and Cynthia.  What’s the plan here, sis?”

“Plan?” Ari asked, genuinely confused.  “I want to be with her, obviously.”

“Right, but for how long?  A month?  A year?  If you’re talking about being with her for real, then you need a plan.  Because you tend to jump into things with zero thought and if you keep going like this, she’s going to break your heart.  And as fire as that album would be, I don’t want that for you.”

Ari sat in stunned silence.  Not because Frankie loved her and wanted the best for her, but because he wasn’t being dramatic or over the top or fun.  She’d expected him to giggle and squeal and dish like they usually did whenever she was involved in some foolishness.  But as he sat across from her on the couch, he looked so serious.

Frankie was never serious.

“I…” Ari fumbled for what to say.  “She wouldn’t break my heart.”

“She wouldn’t mean to, of course.  But that’s where this is headed and I don’t think you can see that.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked, irritation flaring in her veins.  “You never act like this when I’m telling you about the people I like.”

“Because all those people are always casual.  And this…”  He gestured his hands and fingers up and down in her direction, like he didn’t know what to do with her, “this is very clearly not casual.”

Ari again had no idea what to say. 

“Is she going to leave Lena?” he continued.  “Have you even talked about that?”

“I…well…”  It was implied, wasn’t it?

“Sooo, she gets to mess around with you and then go back home to her girlfriend?”  He made a “yikes” face and said, “baby, you’re getting played.”

“I am not!” Ari said, fully angry now.  “She loves me.  And I love her.”

“I don’t doubt that.  I have eyes and I’ve seen you two together.  I thought you were going to leap over the table and hump each other every time we had dinner in Paris,” he laughed.  “Don’t get me wrong.  Loving each other and lusting over each other is fine and dandy if that’s all you want.  But you’re not talking or acting like that’s all you want.  Have you talked to her about where you both see this going?  Is she really going to leave her long-term girlfriend to play house with you?  Or are you both just so caught up in it that you don't know your ass from your ears?”

Ari’s head spun with all his questions and aggravating but potentially valid concerns.  The anger swirled inside her even more, and she felt the telltale signs of an impending meltdown when her eyes began to sting.  She swiped her eyes angrily.

“Why the fuck are you asking me this shit?  I thought you would be happy for me.”

“Oh, honey, I am happy for you,” Frankie, his stern big brother face starting to melt just a tad.  “I’m so incredibly happy that you’ve decided to fully accept your gay DNA, but I’m trying to get you to see the big picture here.  And the big picture is that if you don’t get some clarity from her or learn to keep it in your pants, the only one that’s going to get hurt is you.”

He reached out to touch her hand but she yanked it away.

“You don’t know the situation,” she said, fully in little sister mode now, ready to cry and stomp her feet just like he did when he wouldn’t let her do whatever the hell she wanted when she was a kid. 

“Mmm, I think I do because you just told me.”

“But you don’t get it!  You don’t know what it’s like when we’re together.  And you’re pissing me off.”

“I don’t care,” he said with a shrug.  “Be mad at me all you want.  Your little diva tantrums haven’t worked on me since you were five.”  Ari really, really wanted to stick her tongue at him, but she thought that might only prove his point.  “Let me ask you this: does Cynthia ever initiate anything with you?  Or it is always you?  Because if it’s always you, are you sure she’s not just humoring you or that she likes your attention?”

Angry tears streaked down Ari’s face as the truth of Frankie’s words hit her like a hammer.  Cynthia did initiate sometimes.  Kind of.  But it was mostly Ari.  And that made her wonder if Cynthia really was just humoring her or enjoying the attention.  Ari had certainly been guilty of doing that to people before.

“Aww, come here.”

Frankie tried to hug her but she moved away.   He tried again, and she punched him as hard as she could in his shoulder.

“Ow!” he screamed, grabbing his shoulder like he had shot him.  “That hurt!  What the fuck?  Have you been going to the gym with her, too?”

A laugh bubbled out of Ari, completely and aggressively against her will, and in the two seconds that her guard was down, Frankie wrapped her up in a tight hug.

“Get off me,” she said, her face muffled against his neck.

“My sweet little angel bear princess sunshine muffin cake,” he said, rattling over every ridiculous pet name he could think of and again, making Ari laugh even though she did not want to.  “I love you.  You know that.  I think you’re the sun and the moon and I’m going to be here no matter what.  Boys and girls and theys and thems are going to come and go, but guess who’ll still be here holding your bratty little hand?”

Ari huffed, but eased into his hug just a little bit.

“That’s right.  Ole Frankie.  You know I love you, right?”

She made him wait for several long seconds, before she begrudgingly admitted, “yes.”

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

Ari finally relented and hugged him back, thinking about everything he’d said and wishing she could still be mad at him.  When they pulled away, Frankie smiled and sat up, perky and dramatic again.

“So.  Tell me.”  He clapped his hands together.  “Who’s doing the bending?”

It appeared that once he had gotten his “me big brother, me have to protect you” speech out of the way, they had the conversation Ari thought they would have.  She told him how good the sex was and he was both proud and disgusted: the correct sibling reaction.  They talked and laughed the rest of the afternoon, and Ari was able to put the serious part of the conversation out of her head for a while.

But once he was gone, all his questions and concerns rattled around in her brain. What were she and Cynthia doing?  Where was all this going?  Was it just for fun?  Did Cynthia want to leave Lena?  Ari knew she wanted to be with Cynthia, but she hadn’t given much thought about what that would actually look like.

Over the next day, she started to type so many questions to Cynthia:

What are we?

Is this just a game to you?

Do you love me?  Like, really love me?

What do you want from me?

She deleted each one.  And instead of asking Cynthia anything directly, she did the next best thing: stalked her social media and mined every single conversation they had ever had to draw her own conclusions.  She looked up every person Cynthia had ever dated or even appeared remotely interested in.  She watched her old music videos and her stomach sank when she saw that the love interest in one of them looked a lot more like Lena than Ari. Was that Cynthia’s type?  God, what did she even see in Ari?

The easy confidence she had that she and Cynthia would somehow end up together for real shriveled with every Google search and Instagram post.  She scrolled through pictures of Cynthia and Lena out together at different events, and her heart sank.  They looked normal.  Happy.  Like any other couple.  Ari questioned whether Cynthia would ever do something like that with her: a simple date.  Out in the real world.  No Wicked.  No promo.  Just them.

The way her stomach twisted told her that maybe the answer was “no.”

Ari didn’t send a “let’s pretend we’re married” text on the day of their Vanity Fair photo shoot and lie detector test.  It was something she had been looking so forward to: an entire day of having Cynthia to herself, taking glamorous photos and doing something silly and fun like the lie detector test. But her excitement was muted when all of Frankie’s questions reared their ugly heads.

“Hello, my darling!” Cynthia said excitedly once she caught a glimpse of Ari.

Ari’s heart fluttered and despite all her reservations, she practically ran to Cynthia and jumped into her arms.  Cynthia laughed and hugged her tightly.

“I missed you,” Cynthia whispered in her ear.

“I missed you, too.  So much.”

They didn’t have time to catch up that much (and it wasn’t like they truly needed to, given they talked every day), because they had a lot of things to squeeze into one day.  They spent the first few hours of the day taking photos and doing multiple outfit changes.  They broke in the middle of the day to do the lie detector test, which was honestly one of the most fun things Ari had done in a while.  She made Cynthia laugh constantly, and there were few things she loved doing more than that.  Even with all of Frankie’s warnings and knowing that they were being recorded, she could barely contain her feelings or stop herself from looking at Cynthia like she was everything.

After the lie detector, when they were back to taking photos, Ari again couldn’t fight the urge to be close to Cynthia.  To flirt with her.  To push the envelope.  During one photo set in particular, Cynthia sat, legs spread and long golden nails resting on her knees, and Ari stood next to her in her white dress.  Ari couldn’t see how they looked, but she knew how they looked.

“Engagement photos,” she whispered.

Cynthia tried to hold it in but ended up laughing.  And she kept laughing, even after the photographer tried to get her back on track. The photographer eventually gave up trying to get Cynthia to stop and just started snapping away, capturing her genuine joy. Ari beamed, feeling a rush of pride at being able to make Cynthia laugh like that.

"You're terrible," Cynthia said out of the side of her mouth, once she finally composed herself.

"You love it," Ari replied.

The shoot continued into the night and Ari tried to enjoy all the little things about it. The winks. The grazing touches. The soft smiles.

But the nagging thought of “what does all this mean?” wouldn’t leave her alone.

When they finally wrapped up the shoot and Ari was back in her trailer, she took her time changing out of her clothes and into her comfy sweats.  She pulled out her phone to return the millions of messages that she had missed throughout the day, and her heart lurched when she saw one from Frankie.

Be a big girl today and TALK TO HER.

Ugh. She wanted to punch him in the arm again.

A knock came on the trailer door.

“Come in,” she called.

Her heart lurched again, this time in a more pleasurable way, when Cynthia’s smiling face appeared.

“Hey,” she said, as she walked in and closed the door behind her.

“Hey.”

“That was really fun today,” Cynthia said, the lightness in her eyes matching the joy in her words. 

“Yeah, it was.”

Cynthia offered her hand and Ari gave it, allowing Cynthia to pull her off the couch.  Ari thought she was just going to give her a hug, so she was pretty shocked when instead, Cynthia took her face in her hands and kissed her.  Ari’s eyes fluttered shut as she completely gave into the press of Cynthia’s soft lips on hers. 

When Cynthia pulled away, Ari was breathless. She opened her eyes to see Cynthia gazing at her with such tenderness that it made her heart ache.

"I've been wanting to do that all day," Cynthia murmured, her thumbs gently stroking Ari's cheeks.

Ari's mind raced. This was her chance to talk to Cynthia, to ask all the questions that had been plaguing her. But looking into those warm brown eyes, feeling the softness of Cynthia's touch, she couldn't bring herself to potentially ruin the moment.

"Me too," Ari whispered instead.

Cynthia gazed at her for a moment, and then cocked her head to the side a little.

“Are we okay?” she asked.

“Yes,” Ari said, still a little breathless. “Why would you ask that?”

“Because I didn’t get a ‘I can’t wait to marry you today’ text.”

Ari’s cheeks heated and she looked down as she bit her lip.

“Oh. I…I wasn’t sure you actually liked it when I do that. I thought maybe it was too much.”

“It’s not too much.”

Cynthia slid her hand down and gently tilted Aris’ head back up to look at her.

“And I do like it,” she added.

Ari’s heart beat triple time in her chest.  This was the moment.  She should ask.  Cynthia was here.  She was open.  If there was ever a time to ask, this was it.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Cynthia asked gently.

Ari’s brain whirred almost as fast as her heart.  There were so many things she could ask.  So many ways she could ask them.  But for some reason, the best she could come up with in that moment was:

“Do you love me?”

Cynthia’s eyes widened and her head jerked back like she had been slapped.

“What?  Of course, I love you.  Why would you ask me that?”

“I’m sorry,” Ari rushed out.  “I know you love me.  But Frankie asked me all these questions and he thinks you’re gonna hurt me and I got really nervous and unsure and I started wondering if you’re just doing all this because you don’t want to be mean but you don’t really like me like that and…”

Cynthia shut her up with another kiss.  A soft one.  A reassuring one.  Ari practically melted into her lips and Cynthia’s lips stayed pressed against hers until she could feel Ari start to calm down. 

“Now,” she breathed against Ari’s lips.  “Take a deep breath.”  Ari did.  “And tell me, slowly, what is going on.”

Ari took several deep breaths, trying to gather all her thoughts and fears into a cohesive explanation.  Cynthia simply waited, still holding her, clearly not in a rush.

“I told Frankie about us,” Ari said slowly.  “He knew, obviously, after that night that he heard you at my place.”  Cynthia nodded.  “And I thought he would think it was good or funny or something.  But he said he’s worried that you’ll hurt me.”

“Why is he worried that I’ll hurt you?”

“I…he…” Ari hesitated and finally pushed through it.  “He asked me where this is going and I didn’t know the answer.  I don’t know the answer.  I think I’ve always wanted to be with you, but now…”  Ari’s voice softened as she looked into Cynthia’s eyes.  “Now, I really want it.  And I don’t know what you want.  Like, is this just a game to you?  Is it for fun?  Is it temporary and only while we’re promoting the movies?  Because it’s more than that for me.”

Cynthia took her own deep breath and pressed her lips together while she thought.  Every second that passed by felt like Ari might die right there in the trailer.  She was pretty sure Cynthia could feel the way she was shaking as she waited for an answer.

“Ari,” Cynthia said, holding her face with a little more firmness.  “You are not now, nor have you ever been, a game to me.”

Ari’s body almost sagged with relief, but she asked, “…but?”

Cynthia cocked her head to the side again, like she was trying to figure out what to do with the woman in front of her.

“But you know it’s complicated.”

The dreaded it’s complicated.  Ari’s head fell.  Her entire life had just been one big it’s complicated over and over again.  Why couldn’t anything ever just be hers for once, with no complications?

“There’s the studio,” Cynthia told her, “and the movies…and Lena.”

Frankie’s questions came back full force and Ari’s mind started to spiral into thinking he was right.  She was going to get hurt.  She was about two seconds away from shutting down, when Cynthia lifted her chin again.

“But when it comes to my feelings for you, there are no complications,” Cynthia said without a hint of hesitation in her voice.  “I love you.  I’m in love with you.  I thought you knew that, but maybe I haven’t been showing you the way you need me to show you.”  She stroked her fingers under Ari’s chin.  “You’re always so good at reassuring me about your feelings for me.  I want do the same for you.  What can I do to show you that I’m serious about you?”

Ari almost said “nothing,” because that would be the easy and childish thing to do.  If she said there was nothing for Cynthia to do but made it known that she was unhappy, maybe Cynthia would chase her.  Maybe Cynthia would beg.  That’s how Ari had always operated.

But, as Frankie correctly pointed out, the way she had operated before had been with people she wasn’t that serious about.  People she was okay with playing with or losing.  She couldn’t stand the thought of playing with Cynthia or losing her for any reason.  And Cynthia was here, asking how she could make her feel more secure in their relationship.

Ari mentally ran through the list of problems.  They couldn’t do anything about the studio.  They didn’t want to do anything to hurt the potential success of the movies.  That meant the only remaining complicating factor was Lena.

“Tell her,” Ari said softly.  “About us.  That we slept together.  That you love me and that I love you.”

Cynthia took another deep breath, and Ari mentally prepared herself for an argument.  She thought Cynthia would list a bunch of reasons that she couldn’t tell Lena or that they should just keep it between to two of them for now or whatever other bullshit might come out of this.

Instead, Cynthia said, “okay.”

Ari’s mouth fell open.

“…okay?”

“Yes,” Cynthia said.  “I’ll tell her.”

Ari's heart raced as she processed Cynthia's words. She hadn't expected her to agree so readily.

"Really?" Ari asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Cynthia nodded, her eyes never leaving Ari's. "Yes. I should have done it sooner, honestly. I was using her not asking as an excuse to not talk about it, but it's not fair to any of us to keep this hidden. And I don’t want to prove Frankie right and hurt you.”

Ari felt a mix of elation and anxiety swirling in her chest. This was what she wanted, wasn't it? So why did she suddenly feel so nervous?

"When?" she managed to ask.

"Tomorrow," Cynthia replied, her tone resolute. "She’s out of town and I’ll tell her when she comes back.  This isn't something I want to do over the phone."

Ari nodded, her mind racing with possibilities.

“What if she gets really upset?” she asked, suddenly afraid that maybe this wasn’t the right thing to do.

“She might,” Cynthia admitted.  “But it isn’t like this is coming out of nowhere.”

Ari nodded again but her stomach twisted uncomfortably.  She suddenly felt like maybe she had rung a bell that she couldn’t un-ring.  She wasn’t used to handling things so directly.  She usually just did whatever she wanted and let the chips fall where they may, mostly without any conversation.  So this…this adult relationship with a grown-ass woman who was capable of tough conversations…was quite new. 

Exhilarating.

Terrifying.

“Okay,” Ari said.  “Will you let me know how it goes?”

“Of course, I will, love.”

They parted with a kiss and a promise from Cynthia that they would figure it out.  That left Ari on pins and needles for the next 24 hours.  She threw herself into anything she could to distract her mind from what might be happening with Cynthia.  She tried not think about how the conversation might be going or what Cynthia would say if Lena told her that she had to choose between the two of them.

Her stomach flip-flopped so much that she felt like she might throw up at any second.  She briefly wondered if Cynthia would even go through with it.  What if she had just said she would do it to get Ari to calm down or leave it alone?  Ari felt herself starting to freak out, and she almost called Frankie or her therapist, when the text from Cynthia came.

I told her.  Let’s talk.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which they set the rules

“I’m in love with Ari.”

Cynthia’s heart pounded out of her chest when she said those words out loud.  Her palms broke into a sweat.  Her mouth went dry.

Capri stared at her, unimpressed, from the FaceTime call.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t lead with that, love,” he said.

Cynthia groaned and dropped her head into her hands.  She and Capri had been on the phone for two hours practicing her speech for Lena, who was set to arrive home at any moment.

“Let’s go back to the sandwich method,” Capri suggested.  “Say something nice, tell her you want to plow Ari through a mattress, and then say something nice again.”

“We tried the fucking sandwich method, and you didn’t like any of the things I said then, either!” she said, truly frustrated at this point.

“Well,” Capri said, dramatically dragging his sunglasses down his nose.  “I can’t help it that I don’t have anything nice to say about her.”

Cynthia sighed.  Despite Capri being her best friend and more like a brother than a friend, maybe he was not the right person to talk about Lena-related things with.  He’d let it be known, both directly and indirectly, that he no longer cared for Lena as a partner for his beloved Cynthia.  Cynthia had never been completely sure what turned the tide for him.  One day, he loved her.  The next, he didn’t.

“You used to like her,” she pointed out.

“And she used to make an effort,” Capri said.

Cynthia sighed again.  “We’ve gotten busy, Capri.  I’m busy, she’s busy.  It’s hard to make the same effort when life is on the go.”

“That’s interesting because Ari is busier than both of you and yet she always manages to make the effort.”  He quirked an eyebrow.  “And besides, I don’t see why you’re stressing.  So you have two girlfriends.  Who cares?  You’re THEE Cynthia Erivo.  You should have a different girlfriend for every day of the week.”

“While I appreciate that vote of confidence,” she said dryly, “that’s not helpful right now.”  She groaned loudly and begged, “just tell me what to say.”

Capri gasped.  “Has hell frozen over?  Cynthia Erivo is asking me to tell her what to do?  Are you sick?”

“I hate you so much,” she said, rubbing her temples.

“Okay, fine, here’s what you say.  Say you’re a badass bitch and you’re going to keep playing Find the Poom Poom with Ari, whether Lena likes it or not.”

Cynthia laughed, despite herself.  “Don’t make me laugh right now.  I’m having a crisis.”

“Some good Poom Poom would fix that.  And clearly, Ari has that.  She had you acting like a 16-year-old boy, making out in a car.  Really, Cynthia, how horny are you?”

Cynthia couldn’t stop the laughter.  “I hate you!  And stop saying ‘Poom Poom.’”

“Oh, I’m sorry, would you prefer I say that you made sweet, sweet love to Ari and put a little cherry on top of her pussy?”

“You are such an asshole!”

Her laughter froze when she heard Lena’s car pull up outside.  The brief reprieve from her stress ended and Capri gave her a knowing look.

“Just tell her the truth.  If she can’t handle it, oh well.  You should have gotten rid of her ass years ago.”

“Don’t start,” Cynthia begged. 

“Mm.  Call me later.”

She said she would and hung up.  She put the phone on silent and wiped her sweaty hands on her jeans.  She plastered a smile on her face when Lena walked in.

“Hey,” Lena said, rolling a bag in beside her.

“Hey.  How was your trip?”

“It was cool.  How was the Vanity Fair stuff?”

“Good.”

The conversation stalled and discomfort seized every cell of Cynthia’s body.  They’d had uncomfortable conversations before, of course.  No couple that had been together as long as they had was able to escape the occasional bump in the road.  But this was a rather large bump.

“I want to talk with you about something,” Cynthia said, before her nerves got the best of her.

Lena just stared at her for a minute, but then she nodded and walked to the couch where Cynthia sat.  She kept a respectable distance, and didn’t say a word, leaving the weight of the conversation on Cynthia’s shoulders.

Cynthia ran through all the things she had talked about with Capri.  All the things Ari had said to her.  She ran an inventory of her own feelings and decided that the best thing to do was speak from the heart.

And to do the sandwich method.

Start with something good.

“I love you,” she started.  She reached over and took Lena’s hand.  Squeezed it a little.  Lena did not squeeze back, so Cynthia moved her hand.  “I love the life we’ve built together.  I love our house.  I love that we have a community of friends and supporters.”

Lena looked at her, unblinking and unmoving.

“And I love how creative and bold you are.  That you’re always yourself and you give people around you the freedom and permission to be themselves, too.  I truly admire that about you.  I feel like your comfort in your own skin has helped me find my sense of self, too.  I’ll always be thankful to you for that.”

No response.

Cynthia licked her lips, heart thudding at the prospect of moving to the not-so-savory part of the compliment/bad news/compliment sandwich.

Deliver the bad news.

“But…” Cynthia continued, and her heart thumped like a washing machine on its highest spin setting.  “But you know how we talked before about my feelings for Ari.  At the time, I wasn’t completely sure what they were or if I was just confused because of the closeness on the set and our characters and all.”

Lena stared at her without a single, solitary facial expression.

“Well, the truth is that now, I don’t feel confused about my feelings for her anymore.  It wasn’t just us being on the set or playing the characters.  We really do have a connection.  A strong one.  And this is really hard for me to say to you because I know it will hurt you and that’s not my intention.  But…”

She waited for any kind of emotion or something from Lena.  When none came, she bit the bullet.

“I love Ari,” she confessed in as strong a voice as she could muster.  “I’m…I’m in love with her.” 

Silence hung between them like a heavy cloud, and Cynthia felt the need to fill up the stifling stillness.

“And, well, I think it’s getting to a point where we need to make some decisions.  Or set some rules.  Or something.”

Lena’s face gave away nothing.  Her expression gave away nothing.  If not for the steady pulse in her neck, Cynthia wouldn’t have been sure she was even breathing.

Say something nice again.

“I really appreciate you giving me the space to figure it out while I was in London.  I know that couldn’t have been easy, and I really love for you that.”

Lena blinked.  Looked away.  Folded her hands in her lap.  She said absolutely nothing for several long, weighted minutes, and Cynthia felt like she might go into cardiac arrest if Lena didn’t say something.  Anything.  Even yelling was preferable to the total silence.

“Are you fucking her?” was what Lena asked when she finally spoke.

“No.  Not, well, not…currently,” she fumbled through the sentence.  Not the way she wanted to deliver it, but hey, it was out there.

“But you have fucked her.”

Cynthia swallowed.  “Yes.”

The house was so, so quiet.  Cynthia knew the dogs were somewhere, but it was so silent that she was sure Lena could hear the sweat beads forming in her palms.

“When?” Lena asked, still stone-faced.

“After filming wrapped.  That extra week I was there…that’s when it happened.”

“How many times?”

“I…I don’t know. I didn’t keep count.”

“So obviously more than once.”

“Yes.”

“More than 10?  More than 100?”

That line of questioning was both invasive and irrelevant.

“How does knowing the number help the situation?” Cynthia asked, the fear of telling the truth slowly being replaced by irritation.

“Because I want to know what I’m dealing with.  Once, okay.  A few times, okay.  You hit it and quit it and you scratch the itch.  But a whole lot?  A whole lot means you couldn’t get enough.  So, yeah, I want to know how many times.”

Cynthia really didn’t feel like she needed to answer that, but she also just wanted to put it all out there and be done with it.

“I don’t know,” she said honestly.  “Like I said, it was during that final week before I came home.”

“So, what?  Y’all were doing it, like, every day that week?  All day?”

Cynthia thought about it, trying not to fantasize and visualize too much.  She nodded her head from side to side.

“I suppose, so, yes.”

“Woooow,” Lena said, finally showing a bit of emotion.  “So y’all were just getting it in, huh?  Woke up fucking.  Ate lunch fucking.  Went to sleep fucking.”

It was a crude way to describe it, but it wasn’t wrong.  So Cynthia let her have it.

Lena laughed then.  A dry, this-shit-is-not-even-a-little-funny laugh.

“Damn, okay, Ari.  I guess I underestimated her little ass.  And you had me sitting at brunch with this bitch knowing she was digging in your guts like that?”

“To be fair, you invited yourself to brunch.”

Lena nodded, lips pressed together, expression-less again. 

“It was just that one week,” Cynthia offered quietly, mostly because Lena’s quiet-before-the-storm anger was making her nervous and she wanted to diffuse the situation.

“You expect me to believe with the way y’all act around each other that you haven’t had sex since January?”

“We haven’t.”

The “but” lingered in the air, unspoken, until Lena asked, “but?”

Cynthia felt nervous again.  She knew Lena wouldn’t like the sex part, but they did have an agreement during that time.  The things that had happened since…not so much.

“But we have kissed.  A couple of times,” she admitted.

“And?”

Another hard swallow.  “And…um, well…we messed around a little bit.”

Lena’s eyes narrowed.  “Messed around how?”

“We didn’t sleep together,” Cynthia said quickly.

“Yeah, I got that part.  So what did you do, Cynthia?  After our agreement should have been over and after you should have been faithful to me again.”

Ah, fuck.  She wanted to lie but she didn’t see the point.  She had opened the door.  Might as well walk through it.

“We had phone sex.”

If looks could kill, the look Lena gave her when she said that would have sent Cynthia straight to the morgue.

“Wow,” she said again.  “You’re down so bad for her that you’re imagining it over the phone with her?”

Cynthia felt that was a rhetorical question and chose not to answer it.

“How many times?” Lena asked, her voice hard and detached.  “How many times did y’all masturbate over the phone together?”

Tears stung Cynthia’s eyes and it occurred to her in that moment how deep she was in it with Ari, and that she might have well and truly fucked up her relationship with Lena.

“A few,” she admitted.

“Tell me how many.”

“I’m not sure.  Maybe 10 times.”

Lena scoffed and then laughed again.  “Wow.”

She shook her head and when Cynthia reached over to take her hand, she yanked it out of her grasp.

“Don’t touch me,” she said, and her tone made it clear that she meant it.  “I tried to be cool about this, Cynthia.  I gave you your space while you were filming.  I figured something had happened but we had an agreement, so I can deal with it.  But all this shit after?  The way you act together, like you can’t get enough of each other?  The kissing?  The fucking phone sex?” 

She gave Cynthia another lethal glare.

“Why are you even here?” she asked.  “You love her.  You’re fucking her every which way, still.  Why the fuck are you here?”

“I love you,” Cynthia said weakly.

“You don’t love me.  You love her.”

“I love you both.”

“But you love her more.”

It took Cynthia just a second too long to deny it.

"I don't know," Cynthia admitted, her voice breaking. "I'm trying to figure it all out. That's why I wanted to talk to you. To be honest about where I'm at."

"Well thanks for your honesty," Lena said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Really appreciate you telling me how you've been fucking around behind my back.  And hey, since we’re being honest, want to know how many girls I’ve been fucking while you’ve been falling in love with Ariana Grande?”

Tears immediately filled Cynthia’s eyes.  “No, don’t do that.  I don’t want to know that.”

“And I didn’t want to know this, but here we are.  I told you I didn’t want to know, but you told me anyway.  Why?  After all these months, why are you telling me this now?”

She only gave Cynthia a second to think of a response before she continued.

“Let me guess.  Ari wanted you to tell me.  Right?  That’s where this is coming from?  Your little bitch has you so wrapped around her finger that you just do whatever she says, don’t you?”

“Don’t call her that,” Cynthia said, as she wiped her tears.  “And I’m telling you this because I needed to. I needed to get it off my chest.”

“Right, okay.  Well, here’s something I need to get off my chest.  I’ve been having sex, too.  A lot of it.  With girls that are just my type: light-skinned, long pretty hair, big titties.”

As much as Cynthia did not want that news to break her, it did.  The tears fell and her heart hurt like Lena had reached into her chest and was squeezing it with her bare hands.  Lena knew that Cynthia had always been insecure about her looks compared to the types Lena usually went for.  She knew exactly where to hit Cynthia to make it hurt.

“You’re saying this to hurt me,” Cynthia said through her tears.  “I’m not trying to hurt you.  I just wanted to be honest and transparent so we could work it out.”

“Honesty is a two-way street,” Lena said coldly.  “If you don’t want me, cool.  There are plenty of people who do.”

With that, she left.  Walked right out the front door, started up the car, and left Cynthia alone on the couch.

And that’s when the tears really started.  A flood of them.  Uncontrollable, straight from her most wounded places.  It was bad enough for Lena to throw it in her face that she had been with other people: other people she found more attractive than Cynthia.  But it was even worse for her to leave because it felt like Cynthia was being abandoned all over again.

It felt like Lena was telling her she was replaceable and forgettable and not worth her time.

The same demons Cynthia had been fighting her whole life.

She cried so hard that by the time she finally got it together, her head pounded and her body sagged like she had just run a marathon.  She didn’t even have the energy to go upstairs, so she just lay down on the couch and pulled a blanket over herself.  She felt so utterly alone in that moment.  She wanted to call Ari.  She wanted Ari to hold her and comfort her and remind her that somebody did desire her and love her as she was.

But she didn’t call Ari because she knew if she did, Ari would race over to comfort her and if Lena came back and saw that, Cynthia was not sure everyone would leave in one piece.

So she suffered through it alone and eventually her exhaustion put her into a fitful sleep.

She woke up some time later to a hand tentatively stroking her back.  Her vision was blurry for a minute and once it cleared up, she saw Lena sitting next to her, a bouquet of roses on the table in front of the couch.  Lena’s eyes were red and unfocused, and for a minute, Cynthia thought maybe she had been crying.  But then she caught the faint smell of weed and realized that Lena was high. 

Cynthia didn’t love that part of Lena’s self-care routine.  She hated the smell and the fact that Lena had to be inebriated in some way in order to feel some emotions.  But a high Lena was almost always a nicer Lena, a more affectionate and less bull-headed Lena.

“I’m sorry,” Lena said quietly. 

An apologetic Lena was probably the rarest type of all.

“I shouldn’t have said any of that shit,” she continued.  “You’re right.  I was trying to hurt you.  I was hurt so I wanted to hurt you back, and I’m sorry.”

She offered the roses to Cynthia, who took them, mostly on instinct.

“I don’t want to lose you,” Lena said.  “And I feel like that’s what’s happening.  I know whatever you and Ari have is real and important to you, but I don’t want to lose us.  This,” she said, gesturing around their home.  “I don’t want to have to share you, but I’ll do it if that’s what would make you happy.”

She smiled at Cynthia, and Cynthia just stared back, still emotionally drained and wounded from the earlier exchange.

“Is there any way that we could make this work between the three of us?” Lena asked.  “You know, like how we did before?  When we’re together, it’s just you and me.  And when we’re not together, you can be with her?”

Cynthia’s head spun with the mental whiplash of Lena’s attitude earlier and her attitude right then at the same time that her heart leapt with the possibility of not losing anyone or anything that mattered to her. 

“I…I need to think about it,” she said.

“Okay, I understand.”  Lena smiled at her again, the one that always got her what she wanted, and Cynthia’s heart melted just a little.  That was the smile she had fallen in love with.  “Could we hug it out?”

Cynthia didn’t have to think about that one.  She nodded and Lena took the flowers and placed them on the table.  She helped Cynthia off the couch and then wrapped her in a big hug, lifting her off the ground.  Cynthia automatically wrapped her legs around Lena’s waist and buried her face in Lena’s neck.  It wasn’t the same sweet, feminine scent Ari had, but it was comforting.

“I love you,” Lena whispered in her ear.  “And I want to make this work.”

“I love you, too,” Cynthia said back. 

But she couldn’t quite bring herself to reciprocate the second part.                                                             

When Lena put her down, she said, “it’s getting late. Let’s go to bed.”

“Okay, yeah, just give me a second and I’ll be right up, okay?”

Lena kissed her, another move that Cynthia didn’t reciprocate, and once Lena was on her way upstairs, Cynthia sat back down on the couch, feeling like she didn’t know which side was up.  She checked her phone and realized how late it was, and she knew that Ari was probably waiting on pins and needles to hear from her.

I told her.  Let’s talk.

Ari answered immediately.

Can you come over now?

Cynthia smiled a little.

I’m a bit drained, love.  Tomorrow?

Okay.  Are you okay?

Cynthia thought about telling her the truth: that she was hurt and confused and guilty.  But that wasn’t a conversation for text.  So she settled on:

Yes, I’m okay.

Okay.  I love you.

Cynthia closed her eyes and brought the phone up to her chest, hugging it like it was Ari.

I love you, too.  So much.

The rest of the night was full of restless sleep and too many thoughts.  Lena snuggled up to Cynthia like nothing had happened, and all Cynthia could think about was how much she wanted to be in Ari’s embrace instead.

The next morning, Cynthia had barely rung Ari’s doorbell before the door flew open and Ari jumped into her arms.

“Oh my God, I’ve been so nervous,” Ari said.  She pulled back and inspected Cynthia’s body.  “Are you okay?  Are you hurt?”

Cynthia smiled despite everything.  “I’m fine,” she promised.  “What are you doing?”

Ari pulled at her shirt and her jeans.  “Checking for puncture wounds.”

Cynthia laughed for real and took Ari’s hands in hers, making the younger woman look at her.

“I’m fine,” she swore.  “I don’t know what it is with you and stabbing, but I promise I’m unharmed.”  She hesitated and then added, “physically, anyway.”

A fire lit up behind Ari’s brown eyes.

“What is that supposed to mean?  What did she say to you?”

“Let’s go inside.”

Ari nodded, her eyes wide with concern. She stepped aside to let Cynthia enter, closing the door behind them. They made their way to Ari's plush living room sofa, where Cynthia sank down with a heavy sigh. Ari perched nervously on the edge, her knee bouncing slightly as she waited for Cynthia to speak.

"I told her everything," Cynthia began, her voice quiet but steady. "About us.  About my feelings for you."

Ari's breath caught. "And?"

"And she was upset.  She said some pretty hurtful things.”

Ari’s eyebrows came together in an angry frown.

“Like what?”

Cynthia felt her voice get tight just thinking about repeating it, and Ari scooted closer and gingerly stroked her knee.

“Babe, what did she say to you?” she whispered.

“Basically,” Cynthia said, forcing a sigh just to keep herself regulated, “that she’s been having sex with women she finds more attractive than me.”

“WHAT!” Ari screamed.  She shot off the couch, her eyes absolutely blazing.  “First of all, there are no women more attractive than you.  And secondly, who the fuck says that to someone they claim to love?  Oh, hell no!”  Ari went full Floridian ratchet and said, “the only bitch getting stabbed today is her.”

She turned like maybe she was going to find a kitchen knife and Cynthia grabbed her hand and stopped her.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.  I know you’re upset but so was she, and it’s fine.”

“It is not okay, and it is not fine.”

Ari was so angry that her voice shook, and Cynthia stood up and took Ari’s face in her hands again.

“Baby, calm down,” Cynthia said in her most soothing voice.  “She apologized.  It’s fine.”

“No, it isn’t,” Ari said, her eyes big and sincere.  “Nobody should say that to someone they love. I don’t give a fuck if she was hurt or not.”

“I hurt her when I told her about us.”

“Yeah, but did you add in there that you find me more attractive than her?  Did you tell her that I fuck you better than she does?  No.  Because you’re not an asshole.”

Ari placed her hands on Cynthia’s, which were still holding Ari’s face.

“You are so, so beautiful, you know that, right?” Ari asked, pleading with Cynthia to believe her.

Cynthia’s eyes stung a little, but she smiled.  “Well, you certainly make me feel like that’s true.”

“It is true.  And your partner should be the main one telling you that, not trying to tear you down.”

Cynthia's heart swelled with affection.  She knew she wasn’t supposed to kiss Ari, given the tentative agreement she and Lena had made, but couldn’t stop herself.  She leaned in and kissed Ari softly, savoring the feeling of Ari's lips against hers. When she pulled back, Ari was looking at her with such adoration that it made her breath catch.

"I love you," Cynthia whispered.

"I love you too," Ari replied, her voice thick with emotion. "So much."

They stood there for a moment, foreheads pressed together, before Cynthia reluctantly stepped back. She needed to tell Ari the rest.

"There's more," she said quietly.

Ari's brow furrowed. "What is it?"

Cynthia took a deep breath. "After Lena came back and apologized, she... she suggested that we try to make things work. Between the three of us.  Kind of like before, when we were in London.”

Ari eyed her for a long moment.

"Is this what you want?” she whispered.

“None of this is what I want,” Cynthia confessed softly. “But there are so many moving parts and things to consider.   With everything we have going on, this is what I can offer you right now. I understand if it’s not enough.”

Ari was quiet. And Ari was rarely quiet. She was quiet for so long that Cynthia felt that heart-pounding, sweat-inducing nervousness again.

Ari looked her right in the eyes when she said, “it’s not enough.”

Cynthia’s heart plummeted into her shoes. She felt like she might vomit where she stood. She knew that she loved Ari. She knew that she was in love with her. But she hadn’t realized until that exact moment how much she didn’t want to lose her.

“Ari,” she whispered, her eyes already full of tears.

Ari wiped Cynthia’s tears.

“It’s not enough,” she repeated, “but I’d rather have 50% of you than none at all.”

“Jesus,” Cynthia said, fully allowing herself to cry. “You scared the shit out of me!”

Ari kept looking at her, so uncharacteristically serious.  “I have a condition,” she said.

“Name it.”

Ari ran her thumb over Cynthia’s lips.  “I don’t want you to sleep with her,” she whispered.  “I don’t want you to sleep with anybody but me.”

Cynthia’s poor heart threatened to give out with all the thumping and stuttering and palpitating it had been doing all day.  And now, it was fluttering in an entirely different way.

“Okay,” Cynthia whispered back, because that was a condition she could certainly meet.  The way Ari was looking at her, so hungrily and possessively, turned her on so much that she thought she might immediately break Lena’s rules and throw Ari down on the couch and have her way with her.  “Same goes for you.”

“Yes,” Ari agreed, bringing her face so close to Cynthia’s that their lips brushed.  “I won’t sleep with Ethan or anyone.  I won’t even touch myself.”  She sucked Cynthia’s bottom lip into hers and Cynthia groaned.  “That way, when you finally get in this pussy again, it’ll be so tight that I’ll probably come as soon as you put it in.”

“Ari, fuck,” Cynthia moaned.  Her clit throbbed and her head spun with lust.

“You are so fucking sexy,” Ari whispered.  “And if she doesn’t see that, then she doesn’t deserve to touch you.”

If it was possible, Cynthia fell even more in love with Ari at that moment.  It wasn’t just that she always knew what to say; it was also that she saw where Cynthia was hurting and she knew exactly how to undo that pain.

And the best part?  She meant every word.

Cynthia pressed her forehead to Ari’s.

“I really love you,” she whispered.

“I really love, you too.”

They stared at each other, the desire to kiss or do something more almost overwhelming.

“I should go,” Cynthia said.

“Okay.”

She didn’t extract herself from Ari immediately, but when the yearning got to be too much, she finally removed herself from Ari’s embrace.  Ari didn’t walk her to the door, which Cynthia was glad for, because she knew if Ari touched her one more time, they were going to break the agreement before it had even truly started. 

The next few weeks were an exercise in superhuman restraint.  They saw each other a lot, but Lena was always there, too, lurking in the background.

They didn’t kiss.  They didn’t sleep together.  They didn’t have phone sex.  And with every day that passed, Cynthia felt their desire to be close practically leaking out of their pores for everyone to see. 

They found other ways to be close, though.

They held hands constantly.  They stayed as close as physically possible to one another every chance they got.  They talked on the phone every free minute of every day.

They were on the phone, packing for the upcoming five-city world press tour, when Cynthia told Ari the thing that they had both been waiting to hear.

“Lena won’t be in Australia or Mexico with us.”

It took a minute for the meaning of that to truly register with Ari, and when it did, her voice dropped to an excited whisper.

“She won’t?” she asked.

Cynthia smiled and shook her head.  “Just you and me.”

There was a long pause.

“God, I want you to rail me until I can’t walk straight,” Ari said, her voice almost a whimper.

Cynthia looked in her bag, where everything was neatly sectioned off and packed.  She touched the Glinda doll that had a permanent place in her luggage. 

And then she touched the green satin bag, sitting prettily next to the Glinda doll.

“I think that can be arranged, love,” she promised.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which it goes down

Ari was a horny, discombobulated mess.

Kicking off the world press tour of “Wicked” was undoubtedly one of the most exciting things she’d ever experienced, and she did her best to be present in the moment to enjoy it all. 

The problem was she could hardly get her mind off wondering when and how she would get into Cynthia’s pants, and when and how Cynthia would get into hers.

The plan had been for them to reunite physically in Australia.  But, of course, nature had other plans.  Ari’s feet had barely touched the ground in Sydney before her period started.  And because she and Cynthia were so close physically and emotionally, they were synced up and Cynthia’s started, too.

Ari was sure the Universe was punishing her.

So, the sex was put on hold, but that didn’t stop Ari’s non-stop yearning.  She kissed Cynthia’s hand as they walked the red carpet of the Australia premiere.  She damn near had a meltdown when they weren’t seated close enough to each other when the movie actually started, and they ended up sitting on the floor in their fancy dresses, just to be next to each other.  Ari’s sex-starved brain also got the best of her in interviews, when she said that listening to Cynthia sing made her “pee” a little and then invited Cynthia to “check” that said statement was true.

She was definitely losing her fucking mind.

After Australia, they were back in LA for that premiere and several days of interviews, during which they both cried constantly.  When asked why she was so emotional, Ari couldn’t very well say the real reason: “I’m so in love and so desperate to fuck her that the only way I can express myself is through tears.”

Lena was always around somewhere the whole time they were in LA, so that was a no-go, too.  They found other ways to be affectionate though; they held hands every chance they got, flirted outrageously, and played with each other’s fingers directly in front of interviewers.

Ari knew they were off the rails but she just couldn’t bring herself to give a damn.

When they finally landed in Mexico City, both period- and Lena-free, Ari felt nothing short of feral.  She zoned out several times during interviews, her mind a non-stop reel of all the things she was going to do to Cynthia once they got behind closed doors.  She again lost track of where they were and who they with and when she was asked a question that she hadn’t even heard, she admitted that she was “lost in Cynthia’s eyes and cheekbones.”

Cynthia, of course, laughed it off and acted like the adult in the room, which only made Ari more desperate to make her feel as insane as Ari did.  How she was holding it together so well, Ari had no idea. 

When they went to dinner with Jon and some of the others that night, Ari felt like she was coming apart at the seams.  Everyone was laughing and chatting, and all she could think about was dragging Cynthia up to her room and banging every last remnant of her brains out.  In the dimly-lit corner of the restaurant where nobody could see what she was doing, Ari actually slid her hand under the table and onto Cynthia’s lap.  Cynthia didn’t even flinch or look away from the animated conversation she was having with Jon, and Ari took that as a sign that she could continue.  She scratched her nails against Cynthia’s thigh, and when Cynthia didn’t stop her, she slowly dragged her hand towards Cynthia’s center.

Her heart rate sped up, wondering if she was really going to get away with this, when Cynthia coolly grabbed her hand and interlaced their fingers, keeping Ari’s hand in a fairly innocuous place on her thigh.  Cynthia nodded and agreed with something Jon said, and then leaned into Ari’s ear.

“You’re misbehaving,” she whispered. 

Those words and the low register of her voice did not make Ari want to stop.

“I feel like I’m going to explode,” Ari whispered back.

“Patience, my darling,” Cynthia said with a little smirk that drove Ari insane.  “Let’s play nice and then you’ll have me all to yourself, all right?”

Ari wanted to bang her head on the table or abruptly tell everyone she had a headache so she could leave.  Cynthia must have sensed her antsy-ness, because she rubbed her thumb over Ari’s hand to calm her down, and it helped.

A little.

When dinner was finally over, Ari practically ran up to her room to shower and brush her teeth.  She laid out all the various pairs of lingerie she had brought with her and settled on the pink one because, duh.  She pulled on the frilly lace panties and bra and threw on some oversized pajamas on top of it to not give away her plans, just in case anyone saw her going to Cynthia’s room.  She spritzed some perfume and hightailed it to Cynthia’s like her ass was on fire.  She knocked and bounced her leg up and down while she waited the whole five seconds for Cynthia to answer.

The minute Ari was inside, she pounced.

Cynthia wasn’t even able to get in a “hello” before Ari was on her.  She pressed Cynthia against the nearest wall, capturing her lips in a searing kiss.  She skipped right past all the warm-up kisses and headed straight for tonguing her down.  She swirled her tongue into Cynthia’s mouth, moaning when Cynthia responded with equal fervor, her hands tangling in Ari's hair.

"God, I've been waiting for this," Ari breathed between kisses, her hands roaming Cynthia's body.  Her hands were over Cynthia’s shirt, then under it, then squeezing her ass, trying to feel every inch of her at once.

“Mm, slow down, baby,” Cynthia whispered against her lips.  “We have all night.”

“I can’t wait,” Ari said, dropping her lips to Cynthia’s neck so she could suck and kiss the skin there.  “I need you right now.”

Cynthia allowed this for a minute before she surprised Ari by flipping their positions so that Ari was the one against the wall.  Cynthia grabbed her hands and lifted them above Ari’s head, and she moved back when Ari tried to lean in and kiss her.  Ari whimpered at how far away she was.

“I need you, too,” Cynthia told her in that deep, calm voice that nearly made Ari cream her pants right then and there.  Cynthia leaned in and just barely allowed her lips to brush Ari’s.  “But you are not going to rush me.  Do you understand?”

If this little talk was meant to make Ari less horny, it was decidedly not working.

“Uh-huh,” she said, her eyes zeroed in on Cynthia’s lips.  She leaned forward to kiss them and whined when Cynthia moved away again.

“Tell me you understand,” Cynthia said.  “Say it or you don’t get this.”

Cynthia pressed her body fully into Ari’s, and Ari gasped when she felt something hard pushing right between her legs.  Her lust-drugged eyes dropped and she moaned when she saw the bulge in Cynthia’s sweatpants.

“Oh, fuck,” she whimpered.  “You’re already wearing it?”

“I came prepared, love.  And if you want it, and me, you’ll behave.”  She teased Ari by grinding against her, and Ari’s head fell back against the wall.

“Fuuuuck,” she groaned.

“Do you understand that I’m going to take my time with you?” Cynthia said into her ear, before she nipped along her jawline. 

“Yes,” Ari whimpered.

“Say it.”

“I understand.”

"That’s my good girl," Cynthia purred, rewarding Ari with a deep, languid kiss that made her toes curl.  Ari melted into the kiss, and Cynthia released her hands, allowed them to roam freely over her body again.  Ari's hands immediately went to Cynthia's hips to pull her closer. She couldn't help but grind against the hardness between Cynthia's legs, desperate for friction.  She slipped her hands under Cynthia's shirt, tracing the soft skin of her back before moving to cup her breasts.

Cynthia hummed appreciatively against Ari's lips, then broke the kiss to trail her mouth along Ari's jaw and down her neck. She nipped and sucked at the sensitive skin, careful not to leave any marks that would be visible during their press appearances.

"Bed," Ari gasped, tugging at Cynthia's shirt. "Please, I need you on the bed."

Cynthia didn’t give her any pushback about that request, and instead tangled their fingers together and led them to the edge of the bed.  Cynthia sat down, pulling Ari to stand between her legs. She looked up at Ari with those gorgeous, soulful eyes, and a little shiver went up Ari’s spine. Ari reached for the bottom of her shirt and slowly pulled it over her head to reveal the pink bra.

Goosebumps broke out all over her skin with the way Cynthia’s eyes roamed over her chest and stomach. She bit her lip to keep from smiling too big as she slowly stepped out of her pants.

“Ari, baby,” Cynthia groaned, finally looking as affected as Ari felt. “You look so good.”

“You like it?” Ari asked, blushing a little.

"You know I do," Cynthia replied, her voice low and husky. She reached out, running her hands up Ari's thighs and over her hips. "Come here."

Ari straddled Cynthia's lap, wrapping her arms around her neck. 

"You're so beautiful," Cynthia murmured, her hands tracing the lace of Ari's bra. "I've been thinking about this all day."

"Me too," Ari breathed, her hips rocking against Cynthia. "I couldn't focus on anything else."

Cynthia smirked, her hands sliding around to Ari's back. "I noticed. You were quite... distracted during our interviews.”

She kissed down the valley between Ari’s breasts and ran her long nails up and down Ari’s back.

“Can you blame me?” Ari moaned. “How could I be expected to pay attention when I know I have you to come home to?”

Cynthia’s kisses stuttered to a stop, and Ari looked down at her, about to ask what was wrong. Cynthia’s eyes were so soft and loving, and Ari cupped her cheek in her hand.

“What?” she breathed.

“You say the most perfect things to me,” Cynthia whispered. “You’re the most romantic little horn dog I’ve ever met.”

Ari giggled, her cheeks flushing pink. "I can't help it. You bring out both sides of me."

Cynthia smiled, her hands sliding down to cup Ari's ass. "And I love both sides equally." She leaned in, capturing Ari's lips in a deep, passionate kiss that left them both breathless.

As they kissed, Cynthia's hands worked to unhook Ari's bra. She slid the straps down Ari's arms, tossing the garment aside. Ari gasped as Cynthia's mouth moved to her breasts, lavishing attention on each nipple in turn.

"Cyn," Ari whimpered, her hips grinding down harder against Cynthia's lap. With her lips still on Ari’s breasts, Cynthia reached down and maneuvered the strap-on so that it directly hit Ari’s clit every time she moved.  “Fuck, babe,” she whispered.  She got herself into a good rhythm, stimulating her clit with every pass while Cynthia went back and forth between her breasts, but before she could get too far along, Cynthia pulled away.  She gently rolled them over so Ari was on her back and Cynthia stood up again.

“Come back,” Ari said with a little frown.

“I will.  But I want to get a good look at you first.”  She tilted her heard to the side and said, “spread your legs for me, baby.”

Heat flushed Ari’s entire system as she did what she was told and slowly spread her legs for Cynthia’s perusal.  She knew her panties were probably soaked through and she bit her lip, the tiniest bit exposed and embarrassed.  That feeling evaporated when Cynthia moaned.

“You look good enough to eat.”

The words caressed Ari like a physical touch and her hips squirmed under Cynthia’s intense gaze. 

She had been looked at before, of course.  Ogled.  Objectified.

But this felt like appreciation.  This felt like being wanted and adored.

Cynthia pulled her shirt off and tossed it somewhere behind her, and Ari’s mouth watered at the tight abs and those nipple rings that entranced her so much.  Cynthia leaned down to gently closed Ari’s legs so she could drag the wet panties off of her.  She gathered Ari’s legs in her arms and pulled her until Ari’s ass was right on the edge of the bed.  Then she slowly spread Ari’s legs again, this time with no barrier between them, and the look on her face was almost enough to make Ari come on the spot.

“Babygirl,” Cynthia said, her voice husky and her eyes blown wide.  “I’m going to wreck you tonight.”

Ari gulped like a cartoon character, feeling a new wave of wetness seep out of her.  She actually shook with anticipation, and her only response was a whimper when Cynthia slid down until her knees were on the floor and Ari’s pussy was at her eye level.  She wrapped her hands around Ari’s thighs and brought her so close that Ari felt her steady inhales and exhales against her sensitive skin. 

Cynthia took her time, trailing kisses up Ari's inner thighs, alternating between soft pecks and gentle nips. Ari's hips rose, trying to get where she needed her, but Cynthia's strong hands held her in place.

"Patience, my love," Cynthia murmured against Ari's skin. "I want to savor every inch of you."

Ari whimpered, her fingers twisting in the sheets. "Please, Cyn. I need you."

Finally, mercifully, Cynthia's mouth found Ari's center. She started with a long, slow lick from bottom to top, causing Ari to cry out in pleasure.  

Her soft lips.  Her warm mouth.  The possessive way she held Ari in place.  It was all exactly what Ari needed and exactly what she had been fantasizing about for months. 

Cynthia worked her tongue with the calm confidence of someone who knew what she was doing, circling Ari's clit before dipping inside her. Ari's back arched off the bed, her hands flying to hold Cynthia in place.

"Oh god, yes," Ari moaned, her hips rocking against Cynthia's face. "Just like that, baby."

Cynthia alternated between broad strokes with her tongue and focused attention on Ari's clit, bringing her closer and closer to the edge.  She started off slowly, gently, taking her time just like she said she would.  But as Ari’s moans got louder and needier, Cynthia’s mouth got more and more insistent.  She ate Ari out like she was trying to stuff every inch of her pussy into her mouth at once.  She groaned and moaned and made slurping sounds that were completely obscene.

Ari didn’t know what was turning her on more: the physical sensations, the visual of Cynthia going down on her like she had never eaten in her life, or the sounds of her being feasted on like Cynthia had never tasted anything so good before.

When their eyes connected and Cynthia winked at her mid-slurp, Ari’s eyes rolled back.

"Cyn!" Ari cried out, her thighs trembling. "I'm so close, please don't stop."

Of course, that’s when Cynthia stopped.

Ari’s head snapped up, ready to ask just what the fuck Cynthia was thinking, but her words stopped in her throat when Cynthia stood again, her eyes so completely lust-blown that Ari knew whatever was about to happen would be worth her stopping. 

Cynthia’s mouth and chin were shiny with spit and Ari, and she never took her eyes off Ari as she hooked her hands into her pants and dropped them, revealing the big green monster that had been the star of many of Ari’s fantasies.

“Oh fuck,” she groaned.

“Scoot back on the bed,” Cynthia directed, and Ari did it without hesitation.  She watched as Cynthia crawled onto the bed, slinking towards her like a jaguar on the prowl, and when Cynthia finally rested on body of top of Ari’s and their bare skin touched and that strap-on rubbed between her legs, Ari almost cried.

Her brain went into overdrive with need and she wrapped herself around Cynthia: hands around her shoulders, legs around her waist, chest to chest.  She buried her face in Cynthia’s neck, kissing and sucking and breathing her in. 

“I want to be inside you,” she whispered, as her nails scraped against Cynthia’s neck while she worked her hips up and down against the dildo that was strapped between their bodies.

“I’m about to be inside you in a moment,” Cynthia teased, moving her head to the side so Ari could get at more of her neck.

“No, I want to live inside you,” Ari groaned, feeling like she was going crazy with every second that they touched but that she couldn’t unzip Cynthia’s skin and simply live there.  “I want to be with you all the time.  I can’t ever stop thinking about you.”

She slid one hand down between them, past the dildo and to the bottom of the special underwear Cynthia wore to keep the strap-on in place.  She found Cynthia’s center, where she was so wet that she had soaked through the panties.

“Ari, fuck,” Cynthia groaned, as Ari ran her finger up and down the drenched material.

Ari didn’t answer with words.  Instead, she slid the underwear to the side and moaned loudly when she was met with Cynthia’s wet lips.  She spread the wetness around, up to Cynthia’s clit and back down again.  She teased Cynthia’s entrance with her fingers, until Cynthia whimpered and Ari decided to have mercy on her.  She eased two fingers inside her and Cynthia groaned and dropped her head to Ari’s shoulder.

“God, you are so wet for me,” Ari whispered, working her fingers in and out.  “You seemed so in control all day.  But you were just as messed up as I was, weren’t you?”

When Cynthia didn’t answer verbally, Ari’s other hand made its way to Cynthia’s ass.  She lifted her hand up as high as she could get it in their current position, and then brought it down on Cynthia’s ass with a muffled smack.

“Ari!” Cynthia screamed.

“Weren’t you?” Ari demanded.  She worked her fingers inside Cynthia faster, curling them at just the right angle.

“Oh, shit, right there,” Cynthia cried, working her hips down to get more of Ari’s fingers.

“Tell me you were as fucked up as I was today,” Ari demanded, and she bit down on Cynthia’s neck.  “Tell me I’m not the only one who can’t get enough.”

Cynthia moaned, her hips grinding down against Ari's hand. "God, yes," she gasped. "I was... I was a mess all day. Couldn't stop thinking about you, about this."

Ari grinned triumphantly, her fingers never slowing their pace. "That's what I thought. You're so good at hiding it, but I can see right through you."

"Only you," Cynthia whispered, her breath hot against Ari's neck. "You’re…the only one..."

Ari fucked her harder, faster, until Cynthia was screaming with every movement of her fingers.

“I’m the only one what?” Ari demanded.

“That makes me…ugh, fuck!” Cynthia tightened around Ari’s fingers. “I’m so close, baby.”

“Tell me.”

She tightened her grip on Cynthia’s ass, holding her as close as possible and pushing her more and more into Ari’s hand.

“To make me lose control,” Cynthia cried.

And then she was coming. Screaming. Working her hips frantically and shuddering as her orgasm washed over her.

“Mm, yes, baby,” Ari moaned directly into Cynthia’s ear. “God, I can feel you dripping down my fingers.”

Cynthia whimpered and her hips finally slowed down. But she kept fluttering around Ari, and Ari kissed her neck and shoulder and cheek while she came down from her high.

“I love making you lose control,” she whispered, her heart filling with self-satisfied pride that she was the only person who get to see Cynthia like this.

Needy. Sated. Trembling.

It was the best kind of power trip.

When the aftershocks faded, Ari slowly slipped her fingers out of Cynthia and neatly put the undies back in place. Cynthia raised her head to lock eyes with Ari, looking both pleased and mildly irritated.

“That was not how I planned this,” she said deadpanned, but her voice was a little too post-orgasm-y to be taken seriously.

“You and your little plans,” Ari giggled. She kissed Cynthia once, and then batted her eyes at her. “You said something about wrecking me?”

Cynthia’s eyes narrowed, and Ari’s heart leapt in anticipation. 

“Oh, I intend to follow through on that promise, darling.”

Ari opened her mouth to talk more shit, but then she yelped when Cynthia yanked her arms over her head.

“That’s twice today you’ve been a bad girl,” Cynthia growled against her lips.  “Trying to touch me at dinner.  Then making me come before I was ready.  I ought to punish you.”

“Oh no,” Ari said, with absolutely no sincerity.  “I hope it doesn’t involve you sticking that big dick inside me.”

Cynthia’s lips trembled and then she broke character with an involuntary laugh.

“You’re ruining my seduction, love.”

Ari tried to suppress her own laugh, but it didn’t work, and they burst into a fit of giggles.

“So silly,” Cynthia said affectionately. 

“The only thing I like more than making you come is making you laugh,” Ari breathed against her lips.

They kissed and Cynthia laughed again.  “You’re very good at both.  But…”

She reached down to grab the dildo and slid the head of it between Ari’s sopping wet lips.  Ari moaned into their kiss.

“I’m afraid I am going to have to punish you,” Cynthia whispered.  “And I’m afraid it will involve this big dick.”

Ari didn’t have a comeback for that one, because her arousal had returned full force.  She moaned each time Cynthia slid the dildo between her lips, and she moaned especially loudly every time that little journey ended with it pressing hard against her clit.

“Mm fuck,” she whispered.  “Put it in me.”

“Say you’re sorry for being such a bad girl tonight,” Cynthia told her, purposely directing the strap so it just barely slid inside Ari before she pulled it out again.

“I’m sorry,” Ari breathed.

“Mmm, not sure I believe you.”

She worked the head of the dildo up and down, and then slapped it hard against Ari’s clit.

“Fuck!” Ari screamed.

“Say you’re sorry.”

“I’m sorry, baby.  Please.”

“Do you promise to be a good, obedient girl for the rest of the night?”

Want flared in Ari’s veins as Cynthia continued to toy with her, and her brain lit up with pleasure at being called “good” and “obedient.”

“Yes,” she breathed.

“Are you going to do what I tell you to do?” Cynthia asked, stroking up and down without ever giving Ari what she really wanted and needed.

“Yes,” she groaned.

Cynthia kissed her then, working her tongue against Ari’s in the same rhythm that she was teasing her.

“Are you going to come when I tell you to come?” she growled.

“Yessss.”

Ari was still waiting for more teasing, more talking, so it caught her off guard when Cynthia finally slid inside her in one smooth stroke.

“Oh, God!” she screamed.

True to her word, she hadn’t had sex of any kind (not even the self-love kind) since she and Cynthia had agreed to only be with each other.  So to finally be filled up, especially by the person she wanted the most in the world, felt like the deepest, most satisfying relief.

“My baby was so ready for me, weren’t you?” Cynthia whispered into her ear as she started a slow rhythm of thrusts.  “You couldn’t wait for this dick, could you?”

Ari’s head was so focused on the pleasure she was receiving that she couldn’t even come up with responses.  She just whimpered and moaned and let herself be filled over and over again.

Cynthia set a steady pace, her hips rocking against Ari's with each thrust. She kissed along Ari's jaw, nipping gently at her earlobe before whispering, "You feel so good, baby. So tight and wet for me."

Ari's legs wrapped tighter around Cynthia's waist, pulling her in deeper with each thrust. Her hands roamed Cynthia's back, nails digging in slightly as the pleasure built. "Cyn," she gasped. "Oh god, don't stop this time."

Cynthia's rhythm increased, the sound of skin slapping against skin filling the room along with their moans. She shifted her angle slightly, hitting Ari’s spot.

"Right there!" Ari cried out, her back arching off the bed. "Fuck, babe, right there. You’re gonna make me come!”

“You’re mine,” Cynthia said, voice deep and possessive.

Those words and her tone pushed Ari even further to the edge.

“Yes,” she said. “Yes, yes, I’m yours.”

“Say it again.”

“I’m yours, baby,” Ari cried.

Ari’s body was overcome with pleasure and emotions and when she focused her attention long enough to look at Cynthia, the way Cynthia was looking at her spun her brain out into the all the fantasies that she was always trying to keep a lid on. The fantasy of them being together for real. Of them waking up in the mornings together and going to sleep in the same bed. Of them being out in the world, hand-in-hand, for everyone to see.

Ari wanted that. She wanted Cynthia to be hers. Not just behind closed doors.

“Take me,” she whispered. “Claim me, baby. Please,” she begged. “Make me feel like I’m yours.”

Something sparked in Cynthia’s eyes at that, and her thrusts stopped. For a second, Ari panicked that maybe she had said too much or ruined the moment.

But then, Cynthia wrapped one hand around Ari’s throat.

And then the other.

Ari's eyes widened, her pulse quickening under Cynthia's fingers. The pressure was gentle but firm, just enough to make Ari hyper-aware of every sensation.

"Is this what you want?" Cynthia asked, her voice low and dangerous. "To belong to me?"

Ari nodded frantically. "Yes," she gasped. "God, yes."

With that confirmation, Cynthia started moving again, her hips snapping forward with renewed vigor. The combination of the fullness inside her, Cynthia's hands on her throat, and the intense look in Cynthia's eyes had Ari spiraling towards her climax at an alarming speed.  That tingling, bone-deep feeling of hurtling towards an orgasm got stronger with every thrust, every word, every flex of those fingers around her neck.

“Oh fuck,” she said, as her eyes rolled into the back of her head. “Cyn. Baby. I’m… I’m…”

"You're mine," Cynthia growled, her grip tightening slightly. "Say it again."

"I'm yours," Ari whimpered, her voice breathy from the pressure on her throat. "Only yours."

Cynthia thrusted harder and faster, pounding Ari into the mattress and making the headboard bang against the wall.

“Oh fuck!” Ari screamed.  “Fuck!  Yes!  I’m coming!”

She screamed so loud that she was pretty sure other people could hear it, but she didn’t care.  And apparently, neither did Cynthia, who never broke her rhythm or did anything to quiet her.

"Come for me," Cynthia commanded, her voice low and urgent. "Show me you're mine.  I want everybody to know who’s fucking you like this.”

She squeezed Ari’s throat one good time and Ari flew over the edge and straight into the most intense orgasm she’d ever experienced. Her body tensed, thought stopped, and her vision went white. She knew she was screaming but she had no idea what she was even saying because she was fairly certain her brain had stopped functioning.

Cynthia didn't let up, fucking her through her climax and drawing out every last tremor of pleasure, and talking her through it the entire time.

“That’s it, baby,” she encouraged. “Keep coming for me. That’s my girl. That’s my pretty princess.”

Ari's body quaked with aftershocks, her inner walls clenching rhythmically around the strap-on. Cynthia gradually slowed her thrusts, easing Ari down from her high. She released her grip on Ari's throat, replacing it with gentle kisses along her neck and jawline.

"You're so beautiful when you come," Cynthia murmured, brushing Ari's sweat-dampened hair from her forehead. "So perfect for me."

Ari, still catching her breath, could only respond with a weak whimper. She pulled Cynthia close and buried her face in the crook of Cynthia's neck. She inhaled deeply, savoring Cynthia's scent mixed with the heady aroma of sex.  Her brain had not recovered enough to access words, so she settled for dragging her nose up and down Cynthia’s neck, breathing her in and sighing with every exhale.

“Would you say I delivered on my promise to wreck you?” Cynthia asked, smug and teasing.

Ari didn’t have the sense to banter back. “Mmmm.”

As her senses started to return, she realized she was cold and she shivered.

“Come here, under the covers with you,” Cynthia said.

She stood up, drawing a pout from Ari. She dropped strap-on and underwear to the ground and pulled back the covers on one side. Ari yelped when Cynthia lifted her and then tucked her underneath the covers, and then Cynthia climbed in behind her. The minute her naked front pressed into Ari’s naked back, Ari sighed.

“I missed you for seven seconds,” she said.

Cynthia snorted. “Finally regained the power of speech, have you?”

Ari turned so she could burrow herself into Cynthia’s body, her face in Cynthia’s neck, where it always belonged.

"You ruined me," Ari mumbled against Cynthia's skin. "In the best way possible."

Cynthia chuckled softly, her hand stroking up and down Ari's back. "That was the goal, darling."

They lay in comfortable silence for a while, their breathing syncing up as they basked in the afterglow. Ari's mind, however, was far from quiet. The intensity of their lovemaking, coupled with the emotions that had bubbled up during it, left her feeling raw and vulnerable. She wanted something more. Something permanent.  She almost said as much, but she didn’t.

Because she was learning how to be patient. She was learning how to wait for what she wanted, especially when it was worth waiting for.

And Cynthia was certainly worth waiting for.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which Ari (literally) gets her lick back

When Cynthia’s alarm went off at its usual, before-the-sun-comes-up time, she didn’t immediately move to turn it off because she was way too comfortable to budge.

The most pleasant weight rested on her, gentle breaths rhythmically hitting her neck. She smiled in the darkness of the room and finally reached over to blindly grab the phone, more out of concern that it would wake Ari up than out of any intention to move.  She turned the alarm off and just barely managed to flick the bedside lamp on, bathing the room in a soft glow.

Cynthia’s smile grew when she looked down and saw Ari on top of her, their bodies joined like one big lump under the comforter.  Ari looked so peaceful and comfortable.  Her face was totally relaxed, her arms and legs wrapped around Cynthia like she was a life-sized teddy bear.  Cynthia placed a barely-there kiss to Ari’s forehead and tried to move the smaller woman, only for Ari to whimper in her sleep and hug Cynthia tighter.  Cynthia tried a few times, and each time, Ari wouldn’t let her go.

The grin on Cynthia’s face would have been embarrassing had anyone else been around to see it.

She seriously considered foregoing her workout to stay in bed with Ari, but her practical and routine-loving mind revolted.  If she started the trend of skipping exercise to snuggle with Ari, she would very quickly not be exercising at all.  So, she made the tough decision.

“Ari,” she whispered.  “Baby.”

Ari responded with a light snore.

Cynthia covered her mouth to stifle a laugh and did her best to gather Ari up in her arms so she could gently roll her off her body.  She had almost succeeded in the full tuck and roll maneuver, when Ari’s eyes slowly opened and she looked at Cynthia with a confused expression and pouting lips.

“Where are you going?” she slurred, immediately reaching out for Cynthia again.

“Just down for a run.  I’ll be back soon.”

“Nooo,” Ari whined.  “Stay.”

“I’ll be back before you’re even truly awake.  I promise.”

Ari continued to pout, but her sleepiness got the best of her and she gave up.  The minute she closed her eyes again, she was in dreamland.  And Cynthia took a moment to simply admire her.  She would have never in a million years thought she would step into the role of a lifetime and fall in love with her castmate.  Ariana Grande of all people.  Ariana Grande, the pop sensation.  The cutesy little demon baby who never failed to have a man on her arm and a hit song on the charts.

Yet, there she was.  In Cynthia’s bed.  Knocked the hell out because Cynthia had given her the business.

The smile on Cynthia’s face turned into a smug grin as she adjusted the covers to tuck Ari in and picked up the clothes they had strewn about the night before.  When she picked up the dildo, still secured in its panty-holster, flashes of the night before came back to her. 

Ari moaning. 

Ari screaming. 

Ari’s eyes rolling into the back of her head while she begged to be claimed.

Desire tore through Cynthia’s core like a hurricane.  She looked back at Ari’s sleeping form and thought, briefly, that there was a much more enjoyable way she could get a workout in for the morning.

But, no.  She was going to be good.  She was going to be disciplined, damn it.

She took the clothes and their little green friend to the bathroom and cleaned it while she brushed her teeth.  She changed into workout clothes and grabbed her headphones, ready to focus on her exercise for the next hour or so.

But after she was in the hotel gym, working up a sweat on the treadmill, she found herself unable to think of anything but Ari.  Every time she thought about the night before, she didn’t just feel the heat of lust.  She felt the butterflies of longing. 

Ari wanted to be hers. 

And if the full-body warmth Cynthia felt was any indication, she wanted that, too.

She thought back to when Ari asked if she loved her, and between that and wanting to be claimed, Cynthia got the feeling that Ari needed more reassurance than Cynthia was giving her.  As she ran and worked up a good sweat, she batted around some ideas that might get that message across without interrupting the delicate balance they had going on.  When she came up with one she liked, she temporarily stopped her run to text her team with a request.

Cynthia finished her workout with renewed vigor, the endorphins from exercise mixing with the giddy excitement of everything she was feeling for Ari.  She found her zone and ran with all the energy of a woman who had realized something thrilling, going a little longer than she had initially planned.  She was a sweaty mess by the time she called it quits and headed back up to the room.  She opened the door as quietly as possible, hoping not to wake Ari, only to find Ari propped up against the pillows, looking at her phone.

“Well, hello there, Sleeping Beauty,” Cynthia said, that same smile from earlier etching its way onto her face.  “What are you doing up?”

Ari gave her a sleepy smile and extended her arms.  “I couldn’t sleep without you.”

Cynthia walked to the side of the bed like Ari was pulling her in with a magnet.  She leaned down for a kiss, and when Ari held her face and tried to tug her down with her, she laughed against her lips.

“Baby, I’m very sweaty and gross.”

“Sweaty, yes,” Ari said.  She made a show of looking her up and down.  “Gross, not even a little bit.”

Cynthia internally blamed the flush in her cheeks on the fact that she was still coming down from her running.

“You’re such a flatterer,” she said, giving in when Ari pressed her lips against hers for another kiss.  She pulled herself away before Ari could make her tumble into the bed.  “Let me take a shower and I’ll be right back.”

Ari did something on her phone, and then held it up so Cynthia could see a ten-minute timer counting down.

“You’ve got ten minutes to get your ass back in this bed,” Ari said, wiggling her eyebrows.

She would never admit it, but Cynthia may or may not have grabbed the first pair of clean clothes she saw and raced to the bathroom.  The whole time she was in the shower, she was grinning like an idiot.  She sang to herself.  Hummed.  Tapped her feet.  When she caught herself doing all that, a thought smacked her in the head like a brick through the window.

I’m happy.  Like…really, really happy.  Ari makes me happy.

When was the last time a partner had made her this happy?

She took her time with the rest of the shower, mostly because she knew if she went over the ten-minute limit, Ari would pout and she kind of loved that pout.  She dried off and changed, and when she walked back into the bedroom, sure enough…Ari pouted.

“I missed you for fourteen minutes!”

Cynthia laughed and slid into the bed beside a still very much naked Ari.  She placed a gentle kiss on her lips and then rested on her side.

“I’m sorry, love.  I lost track of time.”

Ari turned on her side, too, and reached over to run her thumb over Cynthia’s cheek.

“What were you thinking about that made you lose track of time?”

“You,” Cynthia told her, turning her head to press a kiss to Ari’s hand.

Ari smiled and scooted a little closer.  “What about me?”

“A few things,” she said with an enigmatic smile.

“Were any of those things about the way you blew my back out last night?”

Cynthia laughed as Ari scooted even closer until their noses touched.

“Maybe,” she conceded.

“Mmm,” Ari moaned, and her shook her head a little like she was having a flashback.  “I was peeing sideways this morning.”

Cynthia tossed her head back and laughed.  “Oh my God, love, are you okay?” she asked, even as she kept laughing.  “Was I too rough with you?”

“Oh, no, you were perfect.  It was perfect.”

Cynthia did her best not to preen, but was fairly certain she failed.  “So it was good?”

Ari kissed her long and slow, making Cynthia sigh into her mouth.  “So good,” she whispered.

Cynthia’s hands found Ari’s hips and she tugged Ari on top of her.  They kissed and moaned for a few seconds before Cynthia pulled away, already dizzy with lust.

“Are you sore?” she asked.

“Mmhm, but in the good way.”

Cynthia pouted.  “So, I guess you need a bit of a break from our green friend, then?”

“Maybe a little one,” Ari said with a huff of laughter.  “And we can’t just call it our green friend.  We need to give it a name.”

Whatever names might have popped up in Cynthia’s brain disintegrated when Ari scraped her teeth along Cynthia’s neck.

“You have ideas?” she asked, her hands roaming all over Ari’s hips and ass.

“Mmhm.”  Ari kissed her way to Cynthia’s ear and whispered, “Elphie.”

A laugh erupted from Cynthia.  “Elphie?  You can’t call it that!”

“Why not?”

“Because you already call me Elphie.   And you have the Elphie doll.”

“And that’s exactly why I should call it that,” Ari said, back to biting and kissing Cynthia’s neck.  “So that way, when we’re in front of other people, I can say how much I love my Elphie and people will think I’m talking about you.”  She kissed up Cynthia’s chin and landed on her lips.  “But you’ll know that I mean you and your…” Kiss.  “Big.”  Kiss.  “Fat.”  Kiss.  “Dick.”

Cynthia was instantly wet.

“Oh my Lord,” she growled.

She nearly threw Ari down and ran to get Elphie right that moment.  But she remembered that Ari was sore, and she had something else in mind.

“Well,” she said, doing her absolute best to not be seduced by the seductress currently licking down her neck.  “As appealing as that is, there is something else I wanted to ask you about.”

“Mmm,” Ari said, obviously too occupied to really pay attention.  As much as it pained her to do it, Cynthia extracted Ari from her and Ari pouted.  “What?”

“I was wondering,” Cynthia started, trying to ignore the way her heart sped up a little, “since we’re in a different country and all, and maybe not as recognizable, that maybe…we could go on a date tonight?”

Ari’s eyes got huge and after her initial shock passed, her mouth burst into the biggest grin.

“Really?” she asked, like Cynthia had just presented her with every Christmas toy she’d ever wanted.

“Yes, really,” she said with a chuckle.  “I don’t want you to think that this is just, you know, a sex thing.  I know things are complicated, but I do love you and I want to take you on a date.  If you’ll have me.”

“Eeeee!” Ari squealed and jumped on Cynthia, but this time, not in a sexual way.  She hugged her and kissed her all over her face, and Cynthia was reminded of a happy puppy licking her face and wagging its tail.  “Yes, of course, I’ll go on a date with you!”

The grin on Cynthia’s face couldn’t have been removed by the Jaws of Life.

“Okay, I asked my team to find a place where we might have some privacy after the premiere tonight.  It might be kind of late…is that okay?”

“Yes, yes, yes,” Ari said, each word punctuated by a kiss.  “Oh my God, I can’t wait.”

There was a lot more kissing that morning, until it was time to get ready for the day of interviews and the premiere that night.  Cynthia managed to pull Ari off her and send her back to her room, only with the promise that they would see each other very shortly and that she couldn’t wait for their date, too.

At the premiere that night, Ari’s giddiness was palpable.  She squealed again when she saw Cynthia in her black claw dress for the first time, and then she spent the rest of the night looking at her with googly eyes and doing an astoundingly poor job of keeping her hands to herself. 

She put her hands on Cynthia’s hips. 

She rubbed Cynthia’s back. 

She very obviously grabbed Cynthia’s ass…multiple times.  In plain view of cameras, the public, and anyone else who cared to look.

Maybe Cynthia should have stopped her.  Maybe she should have even been annoyed.  But the truth was: she loved it.  She loved Ari’s attention and how Ari made her feel like the most desirable woman she had ever laid her eyes on. 

Ari was the antidote to a lifetime of insecurity.

They took pictures and posed and answered questions and all the things.  The fans were so excited, and the energy was nothing short of electric.  Cynthia wished she could bottle it up and carry it with her always.

When all the duties of the premiere finally ended that night, they went back to their separate rooms to undress and un-glam.  They agreed to keep it as lowkey as possible to avoid attention and not spark suspicion in case someone did see them.  They also agreed to walk out separately, so Cynthia went first and waited in the car.  When Ari skittered out of the hotel and slid into the backseat with her, Cynthia’s heart thudded in her chest.

“Hi,” Ari said with a big excited grin.  She leaned in to kiss Cynthia, but then stopped and asked, “would it really slutty of me to kiss you before our first date even starts?”

Cynthia snorted.  “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

“Good answer.”

Cynthia expected Ari to kiss her passionately and start a makeout in the car.  But instead, she kissed her once.  Sweet.  Innocent.

It made Cynthia’s chest hurt.

“Hi,” Ari said again, her grin melting into a happy smile.

“Hi.”

Ari intertwined their fingers and rested her head on Cynthia’s shoulders as the driver took them to the restaurant Cynthia’s team had secured for the night.  The car ride was filled with easy conversation and laughs as they recalled the day and talked about their favorite moments from the night.  When they arrived at the restaurant, the driver opened the car door for them and then Cynthia opened the restaurant door for Ari.

“After you,” she said.

Ari swooned.  “Such a gentlewoman.”

They were led to a secluded table in the back of the dimly-lit, ambient restaurant.  Nobody looked at them as they passed.  Nobody jumped up and asked for autographs.  It was nice: being unknown for a little while. 

A waiter filled up their glasses with water as soon as they sat down.  He left menus for them and once he was gone, Ari was off to the races, talking about anything and everything.  She chattered on while she flipped through the menu, looking and acting completely normal.

But Cynthia didn’t feel normal.

Her heart was pounding again.  Her palms were a little sweaty.  She was desperately trying to keep up with what Ari was saying but her brain kept getting caught up on how pretty Ari was without a stitch of make up on and a baseball hat on her head. 

“…you okay?” Ari asked, her eyes round with concern.

Cynthia snapped back into the moment.  “What?”

“Are you okay?  You look weird.”

“I’m sorry,” Cynthia said quickly.  “I…I feel a bit weird.”

“Oh no, are you okay?  Do we need to leave?”

Ari started to turn around and call for the waiter, but Cynthia stopped her.

“No, no, I’m fine.  It’s just…”  She took stock of her symptoms and then quietly admitted, “I think I’m nervous.”

Ari's eyes softened and she reached across the table to take Cynthia's hand. "Why are you nervous?"

Cynthia let out a self-deprecating chuckle. "I don't know.  It's silly, really.  We've had dinner together countless times, but this feels...different."  She squeezed Ari's hand.  "Special."

A slow smile spread across Ari's face. "It is special," she agreed softly. "Because we’ve never been on a first date before." She leaned in closer, her voice dropping to a whisper. "I'm nervous too."

"You are?" Cynthia asked, eyebrows raised in surprise.

Ari nodded, a faint blush coloring her cheeks. "Of course, I am. I’m not even going to embarrass myself by telling you often I’ve thought about us doing this. Like, romantically.”

“You could embarrass yourself a little,” Cynthia said with the same soft smile Ari was giving her.

“Okay, well…”  Ari nodded her head from side to side.  “If I had to put a date on it, I’d say I’ve wanted to go on a date with you since the first time we met.”

“You did not!”

“I did!”

Cynthia laughed, finally losing some of the nerves.  “You’re just saying that to butter me up.”

“I am definitely not.  Why wouldn’t I want to go a on date with you after five hours of sitting on the floor, baring my soul to you and listening to your phone sex operator voice?  Come on.”

Cynthia laughed heartily then shook her head a little in disbelief.  “Seriously.  You always know what to say.”

“I know you,” Ari said with a shrug.  Like it was the simplest thing in the world.

Cynthia’s heart melted out of her chest.  “Yeah.  You do, don’t you?”

They locked eyes a moment before Ari stood up and moved her chair next to Cynthia, instead of across from her.  She laced their fingers together and rested her head on Cynthia’s shoulders, just like she had done in the car.

“Better?” she asked.

It really was.

“Better.”

The rest of dinner was kind of perfect.  They were their usual selves.  It didn’t feel weird or awkward and they stayed until the place cleared out.  They snuggled up together again once they were in the car, and Ari asked, “would it really slutty of me to come back to your room after our first date?”

Cynthia grinned.  “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

Once they were back in the room, they were on the bed, Ari straddling Cynthia’s lap while they kissed.  Cynthia expected that was all it would be after their energetic activities the night before.  So her brain wasn’t really in a sexual place when Ari whispered against her lips, “I’m hungry.” 

Cynthia actually sat up a little straighter and tried to focus. 

“Okay, did you not eat enough at dinner?  Do you want me to call room service?”

Ari’s smile tipped her off.  “That’s not what I’m hungry for, babe.”

Cynthia actually blushed and her body heated up.  “I thought you were sore.”

“I said I needed a break.  I didn’t say anything about you.”  With that, she pressed her hand to Cynthia’s chest and gently pushed her down so her back hit the mattress.  “I really, really want to go down on you.  Would you let me do that?”

Cynthia's breath caught in her throat. She gazed up at Ari, seeing desire burning in those brown eyes. Her body thrummed with anticipation.

"Yes," Cynthia whispered. "Please."

Ari's smile was radiant as she leaned down to capture Cynthia's lips in a searing kiss. Her hands roamed Cynthia's body, caressing and exploring. Cynthia arched into the touch, already aching for more.

Slowly, teasingly, Ari kissed her way down Cynthia's neck. She paused to suck lightly at her pulse point, eliciting a soft moan. Ari slid her body to the side of Cynthia’s so she was only partially on top of her.

"You're so beautiful," Ari murmured against her skin.

Cynthia’s eyes slipped closed as she let the compliment soak into her mind.

“Arms up,” Ari instructed.

Ari took her time lifting Cynthia’s shirt up, letting the fabric drag very slowly over her heated skin. Goosebumps appeared on every new piece of flesh once the shirt was off, and Cynthia kept her eyes closed to fully enjoy it as Ari asked her to lift up a little bit so she could take off her bra. Her nipples stiffened almost painfully once her breasts were exposed, and even though she couldn’t see Ari, she felt Ari’s gaze.

“I love your body,” Ari whispered, she traced a nail down the middle of Cynthia’s chest. “I love your skin, and I love the way our skin looks together.”

Ari lightly tapped her finger on Cynthia’s sternum, and when Cynthia opened her eyes, she watched Ari’s pale hand glide down her brown skin, making nonsensical patterns while Ari cooed in her ear.

“I’ve never really liked giving girls head before,” she confessed, and Cynthia’s heart pounded in her ears as Ari’s finger traced over a pierced nipple.

Cynthia whimpered.

“I did it,” Ari continued, seeming much less affected by this slow seduction than Cynthia was. “You know? Girls like it, so I did it. But I never loved it, until I did it to you. I love going down on you.” Ari nuzzled her face in Cynthia’s neck while she palmed her breast. “I love tasting you.” She kissed her neck. “I love being on my knees for you.”

“Fuck, Ari,” Cynthia whispered.

Ari's lips curved into a smile against Cynthia's neck. Slowly, she kissed her way down Cynthia's body, pausing to lavish attention on her breasts. She swirled her tongue around each nipple, eliciting a needy moan, before continuing lower.

When she reached the waistband of Cynthia's pants, she tapped Cynthia’s hips. Cynthia lifted them to help as Ari tugged the pants and underwear down her legs.   Ari settled between Cynthia's thighs, her warm breath ghosting over sensitive skin. She pressed soft kisses to the insides of Cynthia's thighs, inching closer to where Cynthia wanted her most. Cynthia met her gaze and cursed under her breath at the naked desire in Ari’s eyes.

“The way you fucked me last night…”  Ari shook her head like she couldn’t believe it.  “You stamped your name on my pussy.” 

Cynthia was so wet that she felt like she was leaking onto the bedspread.

“Can I stamp my name on yours?” Ari whispered.

“Yes,” Cynthia groaned, lifting her hips in case her answer wasn’t clear enough.

Ari maintained eye contact as she licked one long, slow swipe from the bottom of Cynthia’s hole up to her clit.

“Fuck,” Cynthia said, her voice breaking with desire.

“Mmm, God, you taste good,” Ari groaned. 

She turned her head and sank her teeth into Cynthia’s thigh, biting gently but sucking hard.  Hard enough to leave a mark.  Cynthia cried out as the mixture of pleasure and pain flooded her system.

“Baby, shit,” she whimpered.

“Does that hurt?”

Cynthia nodded her head, and Ari responded by kissing where she had just sucked a bruise into her skin.  She turned her head, but Cynthia reached down and forced her head back to her thigh.  Ari looked at her with a questioning eyebrow.

“I like it,” Cynthia whispered, a swirl of embarrassment and arousal evident in her voice.  She had always enjoyed a little pain with her pleasure, and that preference had not always been well-received.  Or understood.

But as usual, Ari did understand.

And apparently, she liked it.

Her pupils, which had already been dilated to hell, blew even bigger.

“Oh,” she said, and a smile quirked on her lips.  She returned to Cynthia’s thigh and sucked another patch of skin to the point of bruising, and Cynthia’s clit throbbed.

“God, baby,” she cried.  “That feels so good.”

Ari kept going, biting and sucking and growling until she had left a row of hickies all along Cynthia’s inner right thigh.  She pulled back to admire her handiwork and groaned out loud.  She kissed each one and turned to Cynthia again, looking as devious as she ever had.

“I’m gonna send you back to her with me all over your body,” she promised, her voice deep and husky.  “My marks on your thighs.”  She turned to the left thigh and sucked her.  “My teeth on your skin.”  Ari bit, and Cynthia cried out.  “My pussy on your lips.”

“Ari, please,” Cynthia begged, because she was starting to think it was possible to come from words alone, and she didn’t want to go out like that.

By the time Ari finished her torturously good foreplay, Cynthia was teetering on the edge.  Breath ragged.  Pussy dripping.  Just barely hanging on. 

Without further teasing, Ari dove in, licking broad strokes through Cynthia's folds. Cynthia cried out and almost turned away, but Ari gripped her thighs, holding her in place as she explored with her tongue.

She circled Cynthia's clit, building the pressure slowly. When she finally closed her lips around the sensitive bud and sucked, Cynthia saw stars. Her hands flew to Ari's hair, gripping tightly.

"Oh god, yes," she moaned. "Just like that."

Ari hummed in acknowledgment, doubling down on her efforts. She alternated between broad licks and focused flicks of her tongue, building Cynthia higher and higher.

Cynthia's hips began to rock against Ari's face, chasing her pleasure. Ari slid her hands under Cynthia's ass, gripping firmly and pulling her closer. The new angle allowed Ari to delve deeper, her tongue dipping inside before returning to Cynthia's clit.

"Fuck, I'm close," Cynthia panted. "Don't stop."

Ari moaned loudly, sucking Cynthia's clit as she slipped two fingers inside. She curled them juuuust right, and Cynthia’s mouth fell open.

“Baby,” she cried. “Baby, baby…”

Her body tensed and locked in position as an orgasm ripped through her from the center out.

Ari didn't stop. She kept licking and sucking, drawing out Cynthia's pleasure as long as possible. Cynthia's thighs trembled around Ari's head as aftershocks rolled through her.

When it became too much, Cynthia gently tugged at Ari's hair. "Okay. Okay," she breathed.

Ari crawled up Cynthia's body, a satisfied smirk on her glistening lips. Cynthia pulled her in for a deep kiss, tasting herself on Ari's tongue. She kissed her desperately, like she would never get to taste her again.

“Good?” Ari asked, even though her insufferable smirk told her she knew the answer.

“So fucking good,” Cynthia said, burying her tongue in Ari’s mouth again.  Ari moaned and Cynthia’s body jolted awake, like maybe she was ready for another round.  She was just about to suggest as much, when her phone rang.  She groaned and pulled her lips away to check it, only because she knew it might be something important.

“Hold that thought,” she whispered.

She wiggled enough to the side of the bed to grab the phone from the nightstand, and when she held it up and saw the name, her heart froze.

Lena.

Cynthia felt Ari’s eyes on her, and when she looked at her and saw the love and lust and possessiveness there, the choice was easy.

She declined the call.

“Could we go again?” she asked Ari.

Ari grinned.  “We can go as many times as you want.”

And they did.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which the itch gets fixed

Cynthia stood under the hot spray of the shower, one hand braced against the wall as she lowered her head and let the water run down her neck and back.  The day had been a blur of more press-related things: interviews and photo shoots and such.  They were in New York for the premiere the next day, and on top of all the Wicked things, Cynthia still needed to at least put her eyes on a script that she had been putting off for too long now.  She had so many things on her mind, but no matter how cluttered her brain felt, all her thoughts kept coming back to one thing. 

Ari.

It had been 48 hours since their last night in Mexico, since their first date, but it felt like 48 days.  The way Cynthia craved her was kind of shocking and no matter how hard she tried to focus on the million other things she had going on, somehow, her brain and heart were aligned in Ari being their priority.

Cynthia watched as the water streamed down her legs, past the row of hickies that Ari had marked into her skin.  Just looking at them made her wet, much less remembering how they had gotten there.  Another surprise, because Cynthia had never considered herself someone that wanted to be claimed or possessed like that.  She knew the danger of getting too attached to someone or something when it could just up and disappear someday.

But with Ari, it was different.  She liked the way Ari always took her hand or looped their arms together in public.  She liked that every time Ari spoke about her, it was “my Cynthia” and “my Elphie” and “my sweetness.”  There was something so sexy and affirming about being wanted like that.  About being loved out loud.  And even though they had done their usual constant talking and texting and calling since they’d landed in New York, they hadn’t actually been in the same space very much and Cynthia missed it. 

Badly.

“You okay in there?”

Lena’s voice on the other side of the bathroom door startled Cynthia out of her thoughts.

“Fine,” she called back.

“Okay…”

Cynthia looked at her pruning fingers and realized she had probably been in the shower for quite some time and she finally leaned down to turn the water off.  She stepped out, wrapped a fluffy towel around herself, and picked up her phone that she’d left on the counter.  She bypassed all the missed calls and texts and headed straight for her text thread with Ari.

I miss you, she typed.

A minute later, Ari responded with: I miss my Elphie, too.

She bit her lip.

Which one?

the big one and the bigger one

It was (probably?) shameful the way that made Cynthia’s clit jump.

She dropped the towel and wiped the steam off her phone camera.  She sat on the edge of the counter and folded her legs so the marks on her right thigh were obvious and then angled the camera juuuust so to give a hint that she was naked everywhere.  She snapped the picture and grinned like an idiot when she texted it to Ari.

Ari responded with about 45 water emojis and a text that said, baaaaaby don’t tease me like that.

Cynthia suddenly felt a little more alert, her body alive at the thought of Ari feeling as needy as she was.

What are you doing right now? she asked.

Counting down the seconds until these people get out of my house

Cynthia laughed.

What people?

My mom, Frankie, and Ethan.

Aaaand Cynthia’s good mood deflated like a balloon.  Why the fuck was Ethan over there?  Yes, logically, she understood that Ari was doing the bare minimum to keep up the ruse that she was even remotely interested in Ethan and that required her to spend time with him sometimes.  And yes, Cynthia really couldn’t complain because Lena was literally waiting for her in bed.

It rankled her, though.  Thinking that Ethan was in Ari’s intimate space, with her family no less.  Like he belonged there.  Like he was really her partner.  It should have been Cynthia diplomatically suggesting that Joan and Frankie leave so she and Ari could spend the rest of the night having sex until their limbs went numb.

God, Ari wasn’t going to fuck him, was she?

A flutter of insecurity rippled through her core, but Cynthia stopped it before it could turn into a wave.  She trusted Ari.  They had promised they would only be with each other.

Still.

I’ll let you get back to it, then, she responded, hoping her irritation didn’t come through her message.

I wish you were here instead.

Cynthia smiled a little.

Me too, she said.

I love you, Ari texted.  And I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.

I love you, too.  I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.

Ari texted her a bunch of hearts and kissy faces, all of which made Cynthia smile a little more.  But when she put the phone down and dried off the rest of her body, she felt heavy and dissatisfied.  She did her best to stuff that feeling down as she slid on her pajamas and did her nighttime skin care and brushed her teeth.  She kept her thoughts strictly about work and other non-sexy things, and when she finally emerged from the bathroom, she found Lena in the bed, on her phone.

“That was a long ass shower,” Lena said, her tone teasing.

“It was a long ass day,” Cynthia said back, kind of hoping to cut off any further conversation about it.

“You okay?”

“Just tired.”

She climbed into bed and settled underneath the covers.  She gave Lena a perfunctory quick kiss and then turned on her side, away from her.

“Night,” she said.

Lena didn’t respond with words but put her phone away and clicked off the lamp so the room was completely dark.  Cynthia closed her eyes and tried not to imagine Ari, which was a tall order.  She redirected her thoughts to the next day: her outfit, her schedule, what time she needed to wake up if she was going to get in some kind of exercise before the day took off.

Her eyes snapped open and her thoughts were cut off, though, when Lena snuggled up to her from behind and placed a kiss on the side of her neck.  That was always how she initiated sex between them, and Cynthia’s mind raced with how she would get out of this situation without starting a fight.

Since she and Ari had agreed to be sexually exclusive, the issue had miraculously not presented itself much.  Between her insane schedule and Lena’s, the two of them hadn’t actually had many occasions to be intimate.  The other couple of times Lena had tried it, Cynthia had begged off by saying she had a headache (true), that she was on her period (not true), or that she was just too tired (true once, not true the other times).  She knew that she was coming up on her limit of rejections, but as Lena continued to kiss her neck and her hands started to roam down to Cynthia’s ass, Cynthia knew she had to stop it.

“Not tonight, babe,” she said softly.

Lena’s hands froze and she slowly removed her lips from Cynthia’s skin.

“You good?” she asked in the dark.

“Yeah, just…just tired.”

Cynthia could almost hear Lena’s frown.

“You’ve been tired for like the last two months.”

“The last two months have been objectively insane,” Cynthia reminded her.  “I’m worn out and my brain is overwhelmed.”

“Nothing will relax you more than a good dick-down,” Lena teased, her mouth right back on Cynthia’s neck.

That was probably true.  Only, Cynthia didn’t want the dick-down from Lena.  And she didn’t want to get it; she wanted to give it.  The image of her fucking Ari senseless flashed in her mind for the 567^th time in the past few days, and her body got the confusing reaction of arousal at Ari but not at the lips currently on her.

She moved her neck away and stilled the hands that were back on her body.

“I’m not in the mood, love,” she said more firmly.

Lena sighed and rolled away, putting space between them on the bed.

"Okay," she said, her tone clipped. "Is there something we need to talk about?"

Cynthia's heart rate picked up. She knew this conversation was coming, but did it have to be right now? Her mind scrambled to come up with some explanation that didn’t implicate Ari, but then Lena spoke again.

“Is this because of what I said about sleeping with light-skinned girls with big titties?”

Wait. What?

“Because you haven’t wanted to touch me since,” Lena said, almost sounding guilty.

Cynthia saw the opening and launched herself through it.

“Yes,” she said.

Lena sighed.

“I told you I was sorry. I know that was fucked up of me to say. I thought you forgave me, though.”

“I did,” Cynthia said. “But that’s not as easy to get over as you seem to think it is.”

“So, what, you’re just never gonna fuck me again?”

A long, uncomfortable silence fell between them. Cynthia didn’t know how to answer that question. She hadn’t really thought that far ahead because the only person she could even contemplate having sex with at the moment was Ari.

“I…don’t know,” she admitted.

“Wow,” Lena huffed. “Damn, okay. Thanks for the clarification that we’re just gonna have a sexless relationship now.”

Cynthia heard Lena turn over, away from her.  Cynthia’s knee-jerk reaction was to reach over and try to fix it. 

But, she didn’t.

She let Lena pout and grumble to herself, and she turned to her own side and resituated herself comfortably.  The tension was palpable, but it just didn’t bother her the way it would have a year earlier.  She didn’t feel that same desperation to keep Lena happy or apologize, even when she wasn’t the one in the wrong. 

Her phone buzzed with a text from Ari: a picture of Ari in her bed, alone (except for the dogs), sending Cynthia a kissy face.

Sleep came a lot easier after that.

The next day was chaotic, as all the premieres and heavy press days were.  Lena still had an attitude, but between everything going on, Cynthia didn’t have time to worry about it.  She and Ari touched base a few times throughout the day, but not as often as usual because they both had to get ready and they liked to surprise each other with their outfits.

When time came for the premiere to start, Cynthia eased out of her sprinter van with all the confidence of a superstar.  The camera flashes went off as she waltzed towards Ari’s van to get her: a little tradition they had accidentally started at some point on the tour.  When Ari stepped out, Cynthia’s breath caught for a moment, not only because she looked so pretty but because it was the first time they were in touching distance of each other in the last few days.  Cynthia offered her arm and Ari gave her a dazzling smile that nearly knocked Cynthia off of her feet.

Despite usually being cool, calm, and collected and doing her best to present that front as she and Ari stood arm-in-arm in front of an army of photographers, Cynthia felt off kilter.  Ari’s perfume encircled her and her body pressed close to Cynthia’s, and Cynthia was helpless to stop the images attacking her brain: flashes of Ari screaming and Ari’s face between her legs and Ari sleeping on her chest.  It certainly didn’t help when Ari leaned over and whispered in her ear.

“You look amazing,” she said.

“So do you, love,” Cynthia responded, physically incapable of taking her eyes off Ari’s body.

She felt almost outside of herself the entire night of the premiere.  She was trying really hard to be present and answer the questions and say the right things, but she was so turned on by Ari’s closeness that all her thoughts were focused squarely on when she could next get her hands around Ari’s throat and put her through the nearest flat surface.  Her eyes kept falling to Ari’s lips and neck and chest and she knew she was doing it, but she couldn’t stop.

It was like she was in a trance.

At one point, she and Ari were answering some questions and she again could not keep her eyes on Ari’s eyes and apparently, couldn’t keep her hands to herself either.  Because in a completely uncharacteristic lapse of awareness, she locked her gaze on Ari’s neck and all she could think about was grabbing it.  Her hands were moving before she could stop herself and in a last-second moment of clarity, she veered off for the necklace instead of the neck itself.

Ari, who appeared a lot less crazed than Cynthia felt, rolled with it like it was completely normal.

“Something’s bothering her.  She’s gonna fix something,” Ari said, giving Cynthia an out for her behavior.  Cynthia apologized and made up some excuse to fix a necklace that didn’t need to be fixed.  “She’s getting the fixing itch, that Cynthia Erivo gets.”

Cynthia got herself together for about five seconds, but the temptation to touch Ari was too great and she patted the front of the necklace, purely to cop a feel of Ari’s skin.

Then, in a moment of pure insanity that could only be explained by an unearthly level of horniness, she just slightly wrapped her hand around Ari’s neck.

Just a little.

Just to remind her.

Ari turned and gave her the most serious expression she had ever produced in her life, wordlessly reminding her that they were in public.  Cynthia got back to answering the questions but genuinely had no clue what she was talking about.

The rest of the night was much the same.  Cynthia doing her best to appear like she was under control when she was anything but.  Ari stayed close to her, usually pressed right against her, except when they dispersed to take pictures and actually interact with their other castmates.

Being away from Ari seemed to clear her head momentarily, and she laughed and chatted it up with Johnny a bit before her eyes found Ari and Ethan huddled in a corner.  Ari’s hands were pressed to Ethan’s chest while she laughed at something he said.  And Ethan’s dirty little sausage fingers touched her back, a bit too possessively in Cynthia’s estimation. 

Irritation flooded her veins and again, that insecure little flutter reared its head and she wondered if something had happened between the two of them the night before.  Ari wasn’t usually so touchy with him, and even if it was just to put on the show that they were together, it seemed a bit…much.

The desire to claim Ari, to remind her that Ari was hers, roared inside her so loud that she was walking towards them before she could think better of it.

“Ari,” she said with a smile.  The smile dimmed a bit at Ethan. “Ethan.  Having fun?”

“Yeah, this is great!” Ethan said, his beady eyes as bright as rusty doorknobs.  “I was just telling Ari that you ladies look beautiful tonight.”

“We do, don’t we?” Cynthia asked, turning her attention to Ari.

Ari narrowed her eyes just enough for Cynthia to understand that she asking “what the fuck has gotten into you tonight?”

“Do you mind if I borrow Ari for a second?”

She was looping her arm in Ari’s and whisking her away before Ethan could even answer.  The minute they were out of earshot, Ari asked, “are you okay?  You’ve been acting weird all night.”

“I need to talk to you later,” Cynthia told her.

“Okay,” Ari said, her eyes a little worried.  “Is something wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk about it here.  Will your family or Ethan be at your place after this?”

“Um, I think maybe they were planning to come over, but I can tell them not to.”

“Do that.”

Ari looked genuinely confused, and if she asked Cynthia to explain, she probably wouldn’t have been able to.  Cynthia just knew she needed to be alone with Ari before her brain exploded.

“Okay,” Ari agreed.  She ran a hand over Cynthia’s arm in a calming way.  “You know I love you, right?”

That eased Cynthia’s irritation, but only a little.

“I love you, too,” she said.

Ari smiled and slipped her hand into Cynthia’s.  “Let’s get this over with.”

Even though Ari may not have understood what was happening with Cynthia, she did understand that she needed to take the lead in schmoozing for the night.  Which she did.  Beautifully.  She kept Cynthia close and fielded almost every question tossed their way, so all Cynthia had to do was nod and smile and occasionally said, “right, right, yeah.”

When the night finally ended and Cynthia walked Ari back to her sprinter van, she leaned down to whisper, “I’ll be at your place in an hour and a half.”

The minute Cynthia was back in her hotel, she showered and wrapped herself in a towel.  Lena was on the bed, still dressed in her outfit from the night, on her phone and pointedly not talking to Cynthia. 

“What’d you think of the premiere?” Cynthia asked.

“It was cool,” Lena said, not looking away from the phone.

Cynthia pulled her suitcase onto the bed, looking for a lotion bottle that she couldn’t find, when her eyes fell on the dark green bag that housed little Elphie.  Her heart thumped and a zing of arousal shot through her.  Her eyes jumped up to Lena and then back to the bag.  The angel on one shoulder told her to put the bag away and to not even think about sliding that strap on.  She was going to see Ari and talk to her.  That was it.  That was all she intended to do to get the crazy feeling out of her bones.  And she and Lena had an agreement that when they were together, she wouldn’t do anything sexual with Ari.  She had intended to keep that promise.

But the devil on her shoulder was awfully persuasive.

It reminded her of Mexico. It reminded her of Ethan being at Ari’s apartment the night before, and of him having his hands all over Ari at the premiere.  The possessive little lion that seemed to have taken up permanent residence in her body roared.  Loudly.

“A couple of us are going to have a late dinner,” she lied.

“Kay,” was all Lena said.

And while Lena still had her eyes fixated on her phone, Cynthia grabbed the dark green bag and slid into the bathroom.

Her heart pounded as she locked the door and eyed the clothes she’d left on the counter.  She looked down at the bag in her hand, conflicted.  She still had time to change her mind.  To leave it behind and just talk to Ari like she said.

But then Ari texted her.

I’m ready for you.

Cynthia had no idea if she meant it suggestively or not, but her brain officially shut down and her pussy did all the thinking.  She slid the strap on and then covered it up with baggy black sweatpants and a T-shirt.  She spritzed herself with a little perfume and once she was out of the bathroom, she threw on a big coat.

“I’ll be back later,” she called to Lena.

The ride to Ari’s place simultaneously felt like the longest and shortest ride of Cynthia’s life.  She felt scrambled.  Out of sorts.  Horny and kind of angry and really, really needy. 

Ari buzzed her up and the minute she opened the door, Ari wrapped her up in a hug.

“Hey,” she said gently, taking stock of Cynthia with a full-body scan.  “Why are you so tense?”

She pulled Cynthia and walked them into the kitchen.

“Do you want me to make you some tea before you tell me what’s going on?”

What was going on?  Cynthia wasn’t even sure she could articulate it.  So many thoughts swirled around her brain and if she had been in any other kind of mental state, she would have picked a sane topic to get them started.

That is not what happened.

“Did you sleep with Ethan when he was here?” she asked.

Ari nearly dropped the tea kettle and she whipped her head around to look at Cynthia like she was crazy.

“What?  No!  I told you I’m only sleeping with you.”

“Did he sleep in the bed with you?” Cynthia asked, because why not just go full paranoid about it.

Ari narrowed her eyes.  “Did Lena sleep in the bed with you?”

Cynthia’s jaw tightened.  “Yes.  But nothing happened.”

“And nothing happened with us, either.”  Ari put the kettle down and turned fully to face Cynthia.  “Where is this coming from?”

“He was over with you last night.  With your family.  And he was terribly chummy with you tonight.”

Ari frowned, opened her mouth like she was going to dispute that, but then closed it again and instead just gave Cynthia a long hard stare.  Something clicked for her, and her eyes lost their aggravated fire and took on a softer, more amused expression.  Her lips quirked into a smile at the same time her head titled.

“Cynthia Erivo,” she said.  “Are you jealous?”

Jealous.  Huh.  Yes, that did seem to fit a lot of her symptoms.

Ari bailed her out of having to answer when she abandoned the tea kettle and approached Cynthia like she might approach a wounded puppy.  She slid her warm hands onto Cynthia’s face and leaned in close.

“You don’t have anything to worry about with me,” she whispered.  “I don’t want him.  I want you.”  She brushed her nose against Cynthia’s and smiled.  “But I have to admit, you being jealous is making me so wet.”

And that’s when the last, thin-as-a-spider-web string tethering Cynthia to her good sense snapped.  She grabbed Ari’s face and kissed her like she hadn’t kissed her in years instead of days. 

Ari moaned into Cynthia's mouth, her body melting against her. Cynthia's hands roamed possessively down Ari’s chest and around to her ass, squeezing and caressing as she backed her up against the kitchen counter. She easily lifted Ari onto the counter and broke the kiss to trail her lips down Ari's neck, sucking at the sensitive skin.

"God, I missed you," Ari breathed, tilting her head to give Cynthia better access. Her hands slid under Cynthia's coat, pushing it off her shoulders.

Cynthia shrugged out of the coat, letting it fall to the floor. She pulled Ari’s body to the edge of the counter and pressed herself flush against her. When Ari felt the strap, her eyes widened and her mouth fell open.

“You planned this,” she said, her breath already ragged.

"I need you," Cynthia growled, and her mouth was back on Ari’s. Ari moaned into her mouth as she ground her hips against Cynthia’s. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”

"I need you too," Ari whimpered, her hands sliding down to grip Cynthia's ass and pull her even closer.

They kissed each other hungrily, desperately, and Cynthia was thinking she might take Ari right there on the counter. But then Ari broke their kiss and pushed Cynthia away a little. In her sex-addled brain, Cynthia was too slow to figure out what was happening until Ari slid off the counter and dropped to her knees in front of Cynthia.

“Oh my God,” Cynthia whispered, as Ari made eye contact while she slid Cynthia’s sweatpants down to reveal the strap-on.

“Mmm, I missed my Elphie,” Ari whispered.

With her eyes locked on Cynthia’s, she slowly ran her tongue along the tip of the strap.

Cynthia's knees buckled at the sight. She threaded her fingers through Ari's hair, gripping tightly as Ari took the strap into her mouth.  Ari hollowed her cheeks and bobbed her head, her eyes never leaving Cynthia's face. The visual alone was enough to make Cynthia throb with need.

"Fuck, baby," Cynthia breathed, her hips involuntarily thrusting forward. The base of the strap rubbed against her clit with each movement, sending sparks of pleasure through her body. "You look so good like this."

Ari hummed in response, sending vibrations through the strap that Cynthia swore she could feel. She pushed her hips again, sending the strap deeper into Ari's mouth. Ari made a gagging noise that was so fucking hot that Cynthia could hardly stand to look at her.

“Fuck!” she said as her head fell back.

“Uh uh,” Ari said, momentarily taking her mouth off of it. “Look at me. Watch me while I suck you off.”

Cynthia’s head snapped back down, her eyes so heavy with lust that she had to forcibly keep them open enough to watch as Ari sucked the strap, gagging and moaning as spit spilled from the sides of her mouth. Cynthia couldn’t feel it, but she could feel it, and the crazed neediness she felt before was nothing compared to what she was feeling at that moment.

Ari put her hands on Cynthia’s ass and pulled her even closer, deep-throating the strap until she couldn’t take anymore. She pulled away to breathe, her spit shining all over the strap and covering her mouth and chin.  She did this over and over until her face was a shiny mess.

All rational thought and politeness flew out of the window. Cynthia was just a breathing personification of want. Need. Love. Lust. She pulled her hips back to take the strap out of Ari’s mouth. Ari moaned and Cynthia bent over to lick all the drool off Ari’s mouth and chin. She used her tongue to gather it all up in one filthy swipe, and she almost had a heart attack when Ari cocked her head back and opened her mouth, tongue out.

Fuuuuck.

Cynthia hovered over her and let it drip from her tongue into Ari’s mouth. Ari moaned and Cynthia growled, “swallow it.” Ari closed her mouth, swallowed it, and then licked her lips like she wanted more.

Cynthia completely fucking lost it.

She hauled Ari to her feet and crashed their lips together. She walked them backwards until Ari’s back hit the fridge and her hands slid down to get Ari’s shorts off her body. She yanked them down as much as she could and Ari never broke the kiss as she stepped out of them and kicked them off to the side. Ari whimpered when Cynthia abruptly pulled away, only to turn her around. Ari braced her hands on the fridge and Cynthia rubbed the tip of the strap against Ari’s wet heat from behind.

“Spread your legs,” she commanded in Ari’s ear.

Ari obeyed, spreading her legs wider.  Cynthia lined up the strap and slowly pushed inside, causing Ari to let out a long, low moan.

"Oh god, yes," Ari breathed as Cynthia bottomed out.

Cynthia gripped Ari's hips tightly and began to thrust, starting slow and watching with rapt attention as she disappeared inside Ari over and over again.

“Ugh, Cyn,” Ari moaned, pushing her hips back in time with Cynthia’s thrusts.

“Just like that, baby,” Cynthia told her. “Throw it back for me.”

They built up a punishing pace together, filling the kitchen with the sounds of skin slapping against skin and Ari's increasingly loud cries of pleasure. Every time she pushed it back and her ass hit Cynthia, the base of the strap rubbed against Cynthia’s clit and she was moaning almost as loud as Ari.

“Oh, God, baby, it feels so good!” Ari screamed. “Don’t stop. Don’t stop.”

Cynthia didn’t want to stop, but between the sounds and the visual, she was getting dangerously close to coming.  She tightened her grip on Ari’s hips and thrusted harder and faster, causing louder and more frequent screams from Ari. Ari’s hand flew down to her clit and she rubbed furiously, and the groan that came from her was nothing short of guttural.

“I’m gonna come,” she cried.  “Cyn…I’m…coming!”

That pushed Cynthia right up to the edge.  “Me, too, baby.  Fuck, come with me.”

Ari’s hips and voice stuttered and right as she hit her peak, she begged, “come inside me, baby!  Please!  Come inside me!”

The thought of that, the image that burned through her brain, the desire to actually be able to do that, made Cynthia come so hard that her knees almost gave out.  She fell forward onto Ari’s back, unable to move or think even as Ari continued to scream through her orgasm.

Cynthia's legs trembled as she tried to stay upright, still buried deep inside Ari. Their breathing was labored and loud, both unable to speak for a few minutes. When she was finally able to move again, she pressed soft kisses along Ari's shoulders and neck as they both came down from their high, their breathing gradually slowing.

"Holy shit," Ari panted, her forehead resting against the cool metal of the fridge.

Cynthia hummed in agreement, nuzzling into Ari's hair. She slowly pulled out, eliciting a small whimper from Ari at the loss. Turning Ari around, Cynthia cupped her face and kissed her deeply, pouring all her love and possessiveness into it.

When they finally broke apart, Ari looked up at Cynthia with dazed eyes.

“Fuck.”

One word said it all. Cynthia smiled at first, then giggled, then broke into for real laughter and Ari followed right along with her.

“Jesus,” Ari said, her eyes still unfocused. “I need to make you jealous more often.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“I’m gonna call Ethan over right now.”

Cynthia very gently slid a hand around Ari’s neck and eased her back against the fridge. She kissed her once.  Twice.

“Mine,” she whispered.

Ari nodded and then surprised Cynthia by returning the favor and wrapping her own dainty hand around Cynthia’s neck.

“Mine,” she whispered back.

The pure unadulterated want that seized Cynthia almost had her getting that strap ready for another go. But the post-nut clarity seemed to have knocked her brain back online.

“We have an early morning flight tomorrow,” she said, maybe more for herself than Ari.

“Mmhm.”

“So I can’t stay.”

“I didn’t ask you to,” Ari said, her eyes twinkling with the delightful knowledge that Cynthia was very much hers.

They would be in London the next day, which meant they would have some alone time together. Maybe even enough time for a sleepover or two. Cynthia’s heart fluttered at the thought.

Ari leaned in and kissed her again.

“Let me know when you make it back to the hotel safely,” she whispered.

They kissed a few more times and Cynthia dragged her feet getting herself together and finally leaving. She practically floated back to the waiting car and smiled like a doofus the whole ride to the hotel. She stopped outside of her hotel room and fixed her face so she didn’t look like she had just mind-blowing sex, and she was relieved to find Lena asleep when she crept inside.

She got undressed and put all her things away, including Elphie, and she slid into the bed with as little noise as possible. She pulled out her phone to text Ari.

I’m back.

Good. Then a picture came through. It was of Ari’s fridge, with two very clear handprints of where Ari had been holding on for dear life. Never washing this fridge again.

Cynthia grinned and the hit of glee she got from that picture, from Ari’s name on her phone, was ridiculous. In case she hadn’t been sure before, she was certainly sure at that moment.

Ari was a drug, and Cynthia was very much addicted.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which there is a calm before the storm

Ari had gone her whole adult life thinking she knew what it meant to be in love.

She’d dated plenty of people, of course.  Married one.  Been engaged a bunch.  She understood lust and infatuation very well and up until recently, she’d thought she’d been in love for real at least once.

And then Cynthia had walked into her life with her huge voice and huge heart and Ari could admit to herself that it had never felt like this.  Between nonstop interviews and panels, they had been together all day every day for the past couple of days, and it still wasn’t enough. 

As she stood on the Green Carpet at their final premiere in London and she caught eyes with Cynthia, she knew she had never felt the ferocity of the butterflies in her stomach or the Pavlovian wetness between her thighs.  Ari barely felt the freezing cold or the sprinkles of rain that dotted her head and face, because when Cynthia was close to her, all she felt was warmth.  She didn’t stop herself when she got the urge to gently press the back of her hand to Cynthia’s face, even as everyone looked on.

“Are you okay, baby?” Cynthia asked, gently blotting away drops of rain from Ari’s face while photographers yelled at them to pose.  “You look freezing.  Are you alright?  It’s our last one.”

And for some reason, in that moment, in front of all those people, all Ari could say was “I love you.”

Over and over and over. 

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Because she really, really did.

She felt out of sorts and was so happy when Cynthia took her hand so they could pose together. She was even happier when Cynthia mouthed “I love you” back to her, nearly making Ari float off the ground. 

They stuck close together on the Green Carpet, answering questions and taking more pictures, and Ari found a way to keep her hands on Cynthia at all times.  By the time they made it inside the Royal Festival Hall, they only separated to find their respective families.

“I’ll be back, baby,” Cynthia said in her ear, above all the noise and chatter of the conversations around them.  “Going to find my mum.”

It wasn’t hard for Ari find her own family, and when she did, she was practically twisting her hands into pretzels.

“Jesus, did you snort a row of coffee beans or something?” Frankie asked, clamping his hand on hers to get her to stop.

“I’m nervous,” Ari said.

“Yeah, no shit.  But you’ve done four of these already, so I don’t know why you’re acting like this.”

Before Ari could respond, Joan spoke up and said, “she thinks I’m gonna embarrass her in front of Cynthia’s mom.”

“I do not!” Ari lied.

“Oh yeah?  Then why did you tell me to try not to be so Florida when I meet her?”

“Because her mom is more reserved, you know?  She’s quiet.  She’s very British.  I just don’t want you to scare her off with your F-bombs.”

“I don’t remember you caring this much when I met Ethan’s family.”

“Well…they’re American,” Ari said, scrambling for something that made any kind of sense.  “They get it.”

“Right,” Joan said dryly.  “I’m sure that’s the reason and not that you’re tits over ass in love with Cynthia.”

Ari’s mouth fell open and Frankie laughed loudly.  She smacked him in the arm.

“What did you tell her?!”

“Nothing!” he said, still laughing.

“He didn’t tell me a thing,” Joan said.  She smiled at Ari and said, “I just have eyes, is all.”

And before she could properly admonish her mom on what to say (“How are you? I’m well, thank you.  Our girls are so magnificent!”) and what not to say (“Oh my God, these fuckin’ girls!”), Cynthia was approaching with Edith.

“Mum,” Cynthia said, with a shy smile on her face.  “You know Ari.  This is her mum, Joan, and her brother, Frankie.”

Ari braced for impact. 

She braced for her loud family to be, well…loud. 

But to her shock, Joan slid into her calm mode and offered her hands to Edith.

“It is so nice to finally meet you,” Joan said.  “Ari talks about Cynthia all the time, and she tells me you were her London mom.”

Edith laughed and said, “same.  You’re the American mum I’ve heard so much about.  These two are inseparable, aren’t they?”

And they walked off together, laughing and chatting, and Ari felt like she had narrowly avoided a very premature heart attack.

“Oh my God,” she said, pulling Cynthia to her side.  “They’re getting along.”

“Of course they are!” Cynthia said, with a big smile.  “Why wouldn’t they?”

And to Ari’s very pleasant surprise, they kept getting along.  After the premiere when the whole cast went out to dinner to celebrate the last of the premieres before the movie was released, Joan and Edith voluntarily sat next to each other and Joan had Edith cracking up…a feat that Ari was pretty sure was almost as difficult as getting Cynthia to laugh.

For a moment, everything felt surreal.

Joan and Edith laughing like they had known each other for years.

Capri, Stephanie, and Frankie cutting up and plotting like they were all siblings.

Cynthia cracking up with Jon and Johnny while holding Ari’s hand underneath the table and squeezing it every now and then to remind her that she was there.

Their worlds had collided…and, somehow, it worked.

Ari was overcome with the emotions of everyone she loved being in the same place, getting along so well that a stranger would have thought they were one big family.  She felt the tears welling up, and she stood up before anyone could see.

“Running to the ladies’ room,” she said to Cynthia, extracting her hand before Cynthia could get a good look at her.

She made a beeline for the restroom and was hardly in the door before she was crying.  Sobbing, really.  The tears racked her like maybe they had been building up for longer than she realized, and she jumped and tried to straighten herself out when the door swung open and Cynthia walked in, her face twisted in concern.

“Hey,” Cynthia said softly.  “What’s the matter?  What’s going on?”

Her gentle tone only made Ari cry harder, and she let Cynthia pull her into a hug as she rubbed her hand up and down Ari’s back.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay.  It’s okay.  What’s happened, love?”

Ari tried to speak, but her words came out in hiccups and sobs. Cynthia just held her tighter, swaying gently as she continued to soothe her.

"It's okay, take your time," Cynthia murmured. "I'm right here."

After a few moments, Ari's sobs subsided enough for her to pull back slightly and look at Cynthia.

"I'm sorry," she sniffled. "It's just... seeing everyone together like that. Our families getting along so well. I’m…I’m really happy.”

Cynthia's eyes softened, and she brushed a tear from Ari's cheek with her thumb.

"Oh, darling," she said. "Is that what this is about? Happy tears?”

“Yes,” Ari said, her cheeks burning with embarrassment. “I know that’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” Cynthia said firmly. “Don’t say that. It’s beautiful that you feel that way. I feel it, too.”

Ari’s heart buoyed a bit. “You do?”

Cynthia smiled at her. “Of course, I do.”

Ari’s heart swelled, and she took Cynthia’s face in her hands and kissed her. Cynthia deepened the kiss, pulling Ari closer.  A few tears made their way between their lips but Ari didn’t care, and apparently, neither did Cynthia. They were in their own little world, until a very familiar voice spoke.

“Uh-huh.”

Ari ripped her lips away and almost dropped dead of mortification at the self-satisfied smile on her mother’s face.  Joan looked from Ari to Cynthia, then back to Ari.

“Tits over ass,” was all she said, before she promptly turned around and left.

Cynthia looked at Ari with a confused expression, and Ari said, “I’ll explain later. Can you help me look less like a drunk raccoon before we go back out there?”

The rest of the dinner was much like the first part of it: fun, relaxed, familial.  When they finally wrapped it up, Ari whispered to Cynthia that she would come over just as soon as she showered and changed clothes.  When she was back in the van with mother and brother, they were both eerily quiet and Ari finally snapped after five whole minutes of nobody talking.

“Okay, just say it,” she said.  “Just say whatever you have to say and put me out of my misery before I die.”

Joan looked at her for a long while, and Ari didn’t know what exactly to expect.  Maybe a lecture about her absolutely atrocious track record of picking people who were already in relationships.  Maybe a warning that she was making a mistake.  Instead, Joan said:

“Two gay kids.  What do you know?  It seems like my eggs carry gay DNA.”  A pause.  “Do you think maybe I’m gay, too?”

Frankie was the first to crack.  Then Ari.  Then Joan.  Until all three of them were laughing so hard that Ari almost forgot that her mother had caught her making out with her co-star-best friend-girlfriend.

Almost an hour later, Ari was showered, changed, and en route to Cynthia’s place. The moment she let her in, Cynthia had her pressed against the door, kissing her with an intensity that made Ari's knees weak.

"God, I've been waiting to do that all night," Cynthia breathed against her lips.

"Me too," Ari said, pulling her closer. She dipped her tongue into Cynthia’s moan and absolutely swallowed the responding moan before she pulled away to say, "I can't believe my mom caught us."

Cynthia chuckled. "At least she seemed okay with it. More than okay, actually. What was that tits comment about?”

"She had told me earlier in the day that I’m tits over ass in love with you," Ari said, her hands roaming under Cynthia's shirt. "And then she said her DNA is gay.”

Cynthia snorted. “I mean. Between you and Frankie…”

Ari leaned in and bit Cynthia’s shoulder, living for the groan it produced.

“God,” Cynthia groaned, her head falling back to give Ari more skin to bite.

Which she did.

“I want you so bad,” Ari whispered.

"Then have me," Cynthia whispered.

They stumbled towards the bedroom, shedding clothes along the way. By the time they tumbled onto the bed, they were both naked, skin flushed with desire. Ari straddled Cynthia, drinking in the sight of her.

"You drive me crazy," Ari murmured, tracing her fingers along Cynthia's collarbone.

Cynthia's eyes darkened with lust. "Show me."

Ari didn't need to be told twice.  She leaned down, capturing Cynthia's lips in a hungry kiss. Cynthia bucked her hips up, trying to get some friction, but then Ari pulled away and voiced a thought she’d been having lately.

“Do you have Elphie?” she whispered.

Cynthia’s smile was downright naughty. “I always have Elphie.”

Ari bit her lip, a little nervous about how her request would be received.

“How would you feel about me using her on you this time?” she whispered.

Cynthia’s eyes widened, but not in a bad way. Her pupils dilated even more than before and her hands gripped Ari’s waist.

“Really?” Cynthia breathed.

Ari nodded, a rush of wet heat flooding her thighs.

“Would you like that?” she asked, unsure of the answer.

Cynthia's breath hitched. "I would love that," she moaned. 

Ari's heart raced as she climbed off Cynthia and went to retrieve Elphie from Cynthia’s luggage. Although they had spent the last couple of nights together, they hadn’t done anything more than snuggle because they were so tired after all the press. Which meant Elphie was in pristine condition for Ari.

Her hands trembled slightly as she slid everything on and adjusted until it felt secure. When she turned back to the bed, Cynthia was watching her with hungry eyes, her chest rising and falling rapidly.

"Come here," Cynthia said, her voice low and husky.

But before she could do that, Ari had to test it out.

She hopped up a little, making the dildo bounce. She moved her hips from side to side, the strap slapping her thighs with every movement. Then, she did the ultimate test, and circled her ups until Elphie was spinning like a helicopter.

“Oh my God,” she said, unable to contain her smile. “No wonder men are so obsessed with their dicks. I don’t know how they get any work done. If I had one of these, I’d play with it all day.”

Cynthia laughed. “Come here, you silly thing.”

Ari twirled it a few times, purely for her own enjoyment, before she crawled back onto the bed, positioning herself between Cynthia's legs. She kissed her her deeply, savoring the taste of her lips and the feeling of their bodies pressed together. As they kissed, Ari reached between them to guide Elphie to Cynthia's entrance.

"Are you wet for me?"

Cynthia gasped when Ari slid the tip of Elphie up and down, teasing Cynthia’s entrance and clit.

“I’ve been wet all night,” Cynthia breathed.

Slowly, carefully, Ari guided the toy inside. Cynthia's back arched and the most lovely gasp fell from her lips. Ari watched Cynthia’s face as she slid in a little deeper, then a little more, slowly and gently until she was all the way in.

“Fuck, babe,” Cynthia groaned.

Ari was entranced.

The look of pleasure on Cynthia’s face. The way she so easily and willingly gave herself over to Ari.

Addictive was not a strong enough word.

It took Ari a minute to figure out how to move.  It was very different from being on the receiving end, and she had to learn how to work her hips in a good rhythm.  But Cynthia was patient and gentle with her instructions.

“Like that,” she whispered, her hands on Ari’s hips, guiding her in the tempo she wanted.  “Ooh, yes, baby, slow like that.”

Once Ari caught the vibe, she caught it.  It was like dancing, and it helped that Cynthia told her what she wanted and was patient while Ari learned.  She found a cadence that made Cynthia’s eyes slip shut and her breaths flow heavily.

“Yesss,” Cynthia groaned.  “Keep going just like that, baby.  You’re doing it so well.  You’re fucking me just right.”

That last little part gave Ari a much-needed ego stroke, and she started to work her hips with more confidence and precision.

The only problem: she did not get up at 3 AM every morning to run marathons and whatever the hell else Cynthia did.  Ari was used to taking it, not giving it, and after a while, she got tired.

But she did not get tired of the sounds Cynthia made or the way she gripped the sheets.  Ari leaned down and bit Cynthia’s shoulder again and whispered in her ear, “will you ride me?”

Cynthia's eyes flew open, bright with desire. "God, yes," she breathed.

In one fluid motion, Cynthia flipped them over, straddling Ari's hips. She took a moment to adjust, then slowly sank down onto Elphie, letting out a long, low moan as she took the full length inside her.

Ari's breath caught in her throat at the sight. Cynthia looked absolutely breathtaking: eyes shut, mouth open, her perfect abs on display. She began to move, rolling her hips in a rhythm that had them both gasping.

"You feel so good inside me," Cynthia panted, her hands braced on Ari's chest.

Ari gripped Cynthia's hips, guiding her movements and meeting her thrust for thrust. The angle was perfect, allowing Elphie to hit just the right spot inside Cynthia and making the base of the strap rub against Ari’s clit with every movement.

"Oh fuck," Cynthia moaned, her head falling back. "Right there, baby. Don't stop."

Ari was mesmerized by the sight of Cynthia riding her, breasts bouncing with each thrust.

And Cynthia on top left the perfect opportunity for an activity Ari truly enjoyed.

Spanking.

Ari lifted both hands as high as she could and brought them with a resounding SLAP on Cynthia’s ass. Cynthia's rhythm faltered for a moment as she gasped in pleasure.

“Yes!” she screamed.

“You like that?” Ari breathed. “You like for me to spank that perfect ass?”

“God, yes,” Cynthia groaned. “Again.”

Ari obliged, bringing her hands down again with a satisfying smack. Cynthia cried out, her movements becoming more frantic. Ari could feel the tension building in Cynthia's body, her thighs trembling as she rode Elphie harder.

"That's it, baby," Ari encouraged, her own arousal spiking at the sight of Cynthia coming undone above her. "Take this dick.”

Okay, yeah, she understood why men said that now.

Cynthia rode her harder faster, her breasts and nipple rings bouncing as she neared her peak. Ari slid her hand down and rubbed her thumb against Cynthia’s clit, and that was all it took to push Cynthia over the edge.

“Ari, fuck!” she cried out Ari's name as she came, her body shuddering with pleasure.

Watching Cynthia come did unholy things to Ari. She brought her hands around to Cynthia’s hips and kept her working on the strap through her orgasm, up and down and stimulating Ari’s clit with every movement. In that haze of love and lust, Ari couldn’t stop the thoughts that she tried so hard to keep at bay. The images of the night flashed through her mind: their families together like that’s exactly how it was supposed to be.

“Ugh, Cyn,” she cried, finally giving into the pleasure as her own eyes closed. She thrust her hips up, erratic and desperate, as she thought about how much she wanted to have their families together for real. How much she wanted to share every birthday and holiday and big occasion together.

How much she wanted a family with her.

And of course, Cynthia knew what she was thinking without Ari having to say a word.

Cynthia whispered, “come inside me. I know you want to.”

The thought hit Ari like a freight train, sending her careening over the edge. She cried out Cynthia's name as she came, her body shaking with the force of her orgasm. She gripped Cynthia’s hips so tightly that she was only somewhat aware that she might leave marks.  Cynthia collapsed on top of her, both of them breathing heavily, and Ari automatically wrapped her arms around Cynthia to keep her as close as possible.

For a long moment, they lay there in silence, basking in the afterglow. It took Ari a minute to come back to Earth, and when she did, she nuzzled into Cynthia’s neck.

“Is it normal for women to try to get each other pregnant?” she asked.

Cynthia laughed into her neck and kissed the skin there. “I think so. Yeah. When they’re in love.”

Ari felt drunk and high and giddy and wonderful. She breathed Cynthia in and whispered, “we would have such pretty babies.”

Instead of answering right away, Cynthia kissed her way down Ari’s chest, until she came to the WGE tattoo. She locked eyes with Ari as she kissed the tattoo.

“We would,” she agreed.

And, oh God, Ari couldn’t fathom how she could get more down bad than she was at the moment. Instead of verbalizing that, though, she pulled Cynthia up until she could kiss her WGE tattoo in return.

They eyed each other, wordlessly agreeing that they wanted the same thing.

Ari only hoped that one day, they could have it.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which the shit (finally) hits the fan

London at Christmastime was a sight to behold.

Cynthia always loved her hometown, but she especially loved it in December.  The lights. The festive atmosphere.  The Christmas markets.  Everything about it brought back good memories and fond feelings.  And of course, the best part of all was that she got to sit her ass down for once and let her mother baby her.

The last month had been a complete whirlwind.  Wicked had come out to rave reviews, millions of dollars, and Oscar buzz.  Cynthia and Ari had been nominated for Golden Globes and it seemed like everything that could go right, was going very, very right.  They were in demand, on the cover of every magazine and billboard, and people weren’t just seeing the movie; they were loving it.  The number of Instagram posts and TikTok videos of everyone from old grannies to brand new babies and all the ages in between reacting to and being moved by the movie was unbelievable.  Cynthia felt like a rock star.  She felt like she had finally made it.

But, of course, she was still only human and her body had been about two minutes away from collapsing when she’d shown up at Edith’s house, her dogs and luggage in hand and Lena standing next to her, ready to power down for as many days as she could get away with.  The excitement was amazing and everything she had ever dreamed of.  But it was also a lot.

Edith shuffled them all inside and immediately made Cynthia her strongest sleepy time tea and flatly demanded that she go to bed.  Never mind that it was only 4 PM. 

Cynthia didn’t even put up a struggle.

She slept so much over the next few days that she hardly knew what day it was.  She answered some messages when she felt like it, but the only person she always responded to no matter what was Ari.

Being at home was great and much-needed, but the downside was that she and Ari were apart.  And their two-week break from press and each other was the longest they had been apart in months.  Cynthia thought of her non-stop, dreamed about her even more, and every message Ari sent her put a smile on her face.

The messages and calls were innocent, at first.  Ari could see how exhausted Cynthia was and she didn’t look so hot herself.  They mostly exchanged a lot of “I miss you” messages the first couple of days.  “I wish you were.”  “Counting down the days til I see you again.”  That sort of thing.

The wheels didn’t start to get greased properly until Christmas Day.  Cynthia was alert and while not what anyone would call “energetic,” she wasn’t comatose, either.  She puttered around the kitchen, trying to help her mother cook while being rebuffed at every turn with a stern, “go sit!” 

“You’d better take advantage of this while she’s offering it,” Stephanie said, clearly wishing she was being given a free pass to do absolutely nothing.  “When has she ever?”

“Fine,” Cynthia groaned, and instead set about being the hostess as people slowly arrived.  Family members.  Friends she hadn’t seen in forever.  Capri.

“Happy Holidays, Cynthia!” he said, his voice booming over the chatter and holiday music the minute he walked into the door.

“Get in here, you idiot,” she said, a fond smile spreading across her lips.

“I brought libations!” he declared, clearly already having indulged in a libation or two prior to his arrival.   She was about to protest, when he held up the wine in his hand and said, “uh-uh, I don’t want to hear it.  You drink at Christmas, and you drink at New Year’s.  No excuses.”

Ever since she had given up drinking, much to Capri’s dismay, she’d promised him that he was allowed to get her drunk exactly twice a year: Christmas and New Year’s. 

And he never let her forget it.

“Come along, time to pour it up.”

He scooted her into the kitchen, where he kissed her mom and sister and chatted it up for exactly one minute and caught Cynthia before she tried to sneak off.  He poured her a healthy glass of wine, then one for himself, and held up his glass.

“To my friend.  My badass, about-to-be-the-youngest-EGOT-EVER friend!”

“Hey, hey,” Stephanie added.

“Merry Christmas, bitch!”

Edith pinched him and pointed a wooden spoon at him.  “Watch your mouth.  You’re not too old or big to get hit, ya know.”

“Sorry, Mama,” he said, looking not sorry at all.

Cynthia smiled, feeling warm and happy at the familiar interaction between some of her favorite people in the world, and she lifted her glass to Capri.

“Cheers.”

She took a few sips and felt it almost immediately.  No drinking and a worn-down body will do that to a girl.  Suddenly, everything Capri said was hilarious.  He was funny anyway, but with a little buzz, he was making her stomach hurt with his ridiculous stories.  Edith and Stephanie shooed them and their “drunk shenanigans” out of the kitchen, and they made their way to the living room, where people had gathered to talk and laugh and vibe to the music. 

Lena was engaged in deep conversation with one of Cynthia’s oldest friends, and when she caught sight of Cynthia and Capri, she cracked a half smile and excused herself.

“Drunk off two sips of wine?” she asked, sliding her arm around Cynthia’s shoulder.

“No,” Cynthia said indignantly.  “I’ve had an entire glass, thank you very much.”

“Capri, man, what’s up?”

Lena offered her hand, and Capri gave her the limpest, lamest handshake he had ever given anyone in his life.

“Gotta run to the little boys’ room,” he said, before Lena could say anything else to him.

As soon as he was gone, Lena whispered, “he fucking hates me.”

“He doesn’t,” Cynthia said, hoping she sounded convincing.

“He used to like me and now he acts like he smells farts every time I come around.”

Capri’s words came back to Cynthia’s mind, and the phrase, “you used to make an effort,” teetered on the edge of her loose lips.

Luckily, her phone buzzed and distracted her.

Her lips split into a huge grin when she saw Ari’s name, and in her less than sober state, it didn’t occur to her to not open the message with Lena hovering right at her shoulder.

The first thing that came up was a picture of a pregnancy test, and for one absolutely horrifying moment, Cynthia’s heart stopped beating and everything around her faded out.  Her mind immediately jumped to the possibility that Ari was pregnant.  With Ethan’s baby.  And all the wine in Cynthia’s stomach threatened to do an Uno Reverse right back up her throat.

But then she saw that the test was negative, and the message below it read, looks like we’ll have to try again, followed by 15 crying faces.

Cynthia’s horror and fear turned into giddy laughter, which again turned into horror and fear when Lena spoke.

“Ari’s trying to get pregnant?”

Cynthia almost dropped her phone the way she moved to close that message.  She bobbled the phone a few times but managed to keep it in her grasp, and Lena frowned, silently asking, “Damn, how drunk are you?”

“No, she’s not,” Cynthia responded.

Lena frowned further.  “Then why is she sending you a picture of a negative pregnancy test and saying they’ll have to try again?”

Ah, fuck.  Cynthia was not the best liar on a good day, but certainly not while her inhibitions were, well, uninhibited.

“I mean yes,” she said, adding in a lot of nods.  “Yes, but she doesn’t want anyone to know.”

Lena raised an eyebrow like she wasn’t buying that, but then she said, “she’s trying to get pregnant while y’all have a whole nother movie to put out?  That seems stupid.”

Cynthia almost snapped at her not to call Ari stupid.  But then she remembered that the only stupid one was her for getting herself into this situation.

“Mm,” was all she said, nodding like she agreed.

She was saved from saying anything else dumb when a friend came up and joined their conversation.  She laughed and smiled appropriately and when she finally excused herself to the bathroom for a moment of privacy, she whipped her phone out to text Ari.

You almost got me in trouble.

Ari’s response was immediate. 

Oooh, how so?

Lena saw your pregnancy test and I had to convince her you were trying to get pregnant by Ethan.

Ari responded with at least 35 laughing emojis and lolololol omg did you tell her that the only baby daddy I want is you???

Cynthia’s cheeks heated as a big stupid grin took over her whole face.

You are being incorrigible.  Even by your standards.

I’m drunk and horny, Ari responded.  And I miss you.

“Awww,” Cynthia said out loud, as she texted back with I miss you too, baby

Ari’s response was very on-brand: Send me a picture of your pussy

Cynthia’s head fell back as she laughed loudly and truly.

I’m putting you in timeout!

Do you want me to send a picture of mine?

NO!

A few seconds passed.

…are you sure? Ari asked.  She misses you.

Goodbye!

Cynthia pointedly put her phone on Do Not Disturb and returned to the party, mingling with guests and trying to focus on the conversations around her. But her mind kept drifting back to Ari's messages, a mix of amusement and arousal coursing through her.

As the night wore on, Cynthia found herself checking her phone more frequently, curiosity getting the better of her. When she finally caved and turned off Do Not Disturb, she was greeted by a string of increasingly unhinged texts from Ari.

come see me

I’ll send a jet for you

Are you wet?

bend me over

tis the season…to eat some pussy!

The last one made Cynthia press her lips together so hard that it almost caused pain.

"Everything alright?" Lena asked, noticing Cynthia's flushed cheeks.

"Oh, yes, just... warm in here," Cynthia lied, fanning herself dramatically. She excused herself once more, this time slipping out to the back garden for some fresh air.

The cool night breeze was a welcome relief as Cynthia leaned against the wall. Instead of texting Ari back and starting that shit storm again, she called her.

“Hello, lover,” Ari answered, clearly drunk off her ass.

“You’re being very bad,” Cynthia growled. “On Christmas, no less.”

“He died for our sins, and I want to do some sinning.”

Cynthia laughed so loud that she was sure the people inside could hear it.

“That’s Easter, you lunatic!”

“Oh,” Ari laughed. “Well whatever. I haven’t seen you in so long that I can’t remember these things.”

“You are so bad!” she said, still laughing.

“But you miss me,” Ari said.  A statement, not a question.  Her confidence sent a shiver up Cynthia’s spine.

“I do.”

“You should be here with me. Or I should be there with you.”

Cynthia looked down at her nails: red and green, of course. Her heart fluttered as she recalled how emotional Ari had been when all their families had been together. Cynthia hadn’t shown it in the same way, but she’d felt it, too.  A certain rightness.  An ease.

“Maybe next year,” she said quietly.

“Really?” Ari breathed.

“Yeah. I want to be with you for the holidays, too.”

Silence settled over the phone, but it wasn’t uncomfortable.

“Our moms will probably fight over who gets to cook, you know,” Ari said, the smile evident in her voice. “An Italian mom who loves to feed people versus a Nigerian mom who loves to feed people.”

Cynthia smiled, her chest warming so nicely at the thought.

“I don’t know,” she said, “they seemed to get along pretty well. Maybe they could share or split duties.”

“Mmm, and what would our siblings be doing?”

“Capri would be making the drinks, for sure,” Cynthia laughed. “Stephanie would be in charge of the music because she always top tier playlists. And Frankie would be the MC, kind of running the whole show.”

“I like that,” Ari said, her voice wistful. “And what would you and I be doing?”

Cynthia blamed it on the wine when she said, “fucking until they tell us dinner is ready.”

Ari barked out a laugh, which made Cynthia laugh, too.

“Now who’s being bad?!” Ari asked.

“You’re a horrible influence…”

Cynthia was about to say something else, when she heard a door to the house click shut. She didn’t see anyone, but it made her a little uneasy.

“I should probably go, love,” she said.

“I miss you so much,” Ari told her. “Are you still coming down here to see me before our award stuff in Florida?”

“Are you still sending the jet for me?” Cynthia teased.

“You already know.”

“Then I’ll be there. With bells on.”

“Or bells off.  Everything off,” Ari said, her voice teasing again.

“Bad girl,” Cynthia whispered.

The silence between them that time was heavy and wanting.

“Call me later,” Ari asked softly. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

When they hung up, Cynthia stared at her phone for a moment and then got herself together to return to the party.

The next days were good.  Normal.  Ari (mostly) behaved herself and Cynthia was back to her usual self.  And then New Year’s Eve rolled around, the house filled up with people again, and Capri showed up with more libations and demands that she partake with him.

And well, why not start 2025 with a bang?

The night was going well with dancing and chatting and drinking, the local countdown to midnight playing on a TV.  Cynthia had kept her promise to drink with Capri, but she took it a lot slower this time, only taking a sip when he narrowed his eyes at her and pointed to her glass.  As they crept up on midnight, she didn’t feel drunk.  Just a nice, warm, comfy buzz.  She made a point to stick close to Lena, snuggling with her on a loveseat and doing her best not to think about Ari.

Of course, at 11:55, Ari called.

“Hi, baby!” Ari said through the FaceTime call, her eyes bright and happy. 

Cynthia couldn’t help but return her enthusiasm.  “Hello, darling.  What are you doing calling me already?  It’s not even close to midnight your time.”

“Nooo, but it’s close to it on yours!  And I want to kiss you through the phone when it strikes 12!”

So she was definitely drunk again, because Cynthia was sure she could see Lena in the FaceTime frame and Ari simply didn’t give a fuck.  Cynthia felt Lena’s body tense next to hers.

What the fuck was she supposed to do now? 

If she kissed Ari at 12 instead of Lena, Lena would have a fit.  But if she kissed Lena and not Ari, Ari would be so sad.

And Cynthia just couldn’t stand the thought of making Ari sad.

“Lena, could you help me get something out of the car?” Capri asked, showing up seemingly out of nowhere.

Lena looked almost startled at him even directly addressing her.

“Uhhh….sure…”

“Great.”

He plastered on a smile that might have looked real to anyone else, but that Cynthia knew was fake as hell.  He winked at her, and she shouldn’t have smiled.

But she did.

Capri kept Lena away just long enough that Cynthia was in the clear with Ari.  And when then countdown started, she gave all her attention to the bright bubbly girl staring back at her.

“Ten! Nine! Eight!" the voices around her chanted, but Cynthia only had eyes for Ari.

"Seven! Six! Five!"

"I wish you were here," Ari said softly, her eyes shining.

"Four! Three! Two!"

"Me too," Cynthia whispered.

"One! Happy New Year!"

As cheers erupted around her, Cynthia blew a kiss at her phone screen. Ari kissed her back, making obnoxious kissing noises which made them both giggle.

"Happy New Year, my love," Cynthia said, her voice barely audible over the noise.

"Happy New Year, baby. I can't wait to see you soon."

They gazed at each other for a moment longer before reluctantly ending the call. Cynthia turned, a soft smile still playing on her lips, to find Lena walking in, her face tight at missing the countdown.

“Damn, my bad,” Capri said, almost sincerely.

But Cynthia knew better. And, apparently, so did Lena.

“Yeah,” she said, finally making her way back to Cynthia. She leaned down and kissed her, a little too passionately for the crowd if the whoops and hollers were any indication. Cynthia blushed and pulled herself away.

“Hey, whoa,” she said.

“I missed the countdown, might as well make up for it, right?” Lena asked.

She was surly for the rest of the night and once Cynthia’s social battery ran out, she excused herself to go to bed.  She felt guilty that she was happy when Lena didn’t follow.  She did her nighttime routine and got under the covers, but not before she set her timer for 4:55 AM: almost midnight in Ari’s time.

She fell asleep easily, probably thanks to the wine, and at some point, she was vaguely aware of Lena crawling into bed. She didn’t wake up for real until the timer went off. She was confused at first, but then she got up and slid out of the room and into a bathroom in time to call Ari before midnight.

“Hiiii!” Ari said.

“Still drunk, I see,” Cynthia smirked.

“Blame Frankie!”

“Hiiiii, Cyn!” Frankie said in the background.

Then Joan popped into the screen.

“Look at you two. Calling each other at midnight. So cute. So gay!”

“Mom!”

Cynthia snorted. “Is everyone in your house drunk?”

“Pretty much.”

“Well, I wanted to return the favor and ring in your New Year with a kiss, too, if that’s all right.”

Ari smiled dreamily. “It’s more than all right.”

They did the same thing they had done earlier: counted down together, blew kisses, said “I love you.” Cynthia reminded Ari that they would be seeing each other very soon, and then she was off the phone and back in the bed, where Lena had turned her back to her.

They were on a flight back to LA later that day. The plan was to touch down in LA for a night, fly out on Ari’s jet the next day for award shows on Friday and Saturday, and then right back to LA on Sunday for the Golden Globes. It was a heavy lift, but it was everything Cynthia had dreamed of. She was happy.

Lena was clearly…not.

She barely spoke as they got their things together to leave Cynthia’s mom’s house. The conversation was stilted on the way to the airport and essentially non-existent on the entire 11-hour flight back home. Cynthia felt tired and a bit out of it after all the time in the air and time zone changes, and she knew she needed to pack for the next adventure.

Still, the first thing she did when they walked in the door was sit down. She sat on their big comfy couch and just took a breath.

“I’m going up,” Lena said, heading straight upstairs.

“…okay,” Cynthia said, but Lena was already gone.

At least she took Cynthia’s bags up with her.

Cynthia didn’t know exactly what was bothering Lena, but she was almost too tired to care. She texted Ari that she had made it home and settled onto the couch for a brief nap, which was interrupted about thirty minutes later when Lena called down.

“Have you seen that 3-peat Bulls shirt?”

Cynthia was groggy, not quite thinking with her full head.

“Uh, yeah, I think I wore it at my mum’s. Check my bag.”

She closed her eyes again, intent on another nap. She heard Lena moving around at first, but then there was silence. Cynthia didn’t think much of it, until her brain started to kick in.

She visualized Lena going through her bag and she pictured where the shirt might be. Cynthia liked to keep her worn things in one packing sleeve and her unworn things in another, and it shouldn’t have been hard to find. The bag of worn things was always on the left side. With shoes. And the Glinda doll. And…

Cynthia’s eyes flew open.

Her heart stopped. Well and truly stopped. Her entire body felt like she had jumped into an ice bath.

No.

Oooooh fuck.

She sprang to her feet and ran upstairs as fast as her boggled mind could take her. She sprinted to their bedroom and through the open door.

“Babe, wait…” she started.

But it was too late.

Because there was Lena.  Sitting on the bed.  Calm as you please.

Holding Elphie.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which there is a crashout

Cynthia didn’t often make boneheaded mistakes.

Not because she was perfect, but because she was meticulous and thought about (and planned for) every eventuality.  If she wanted to accomplish x, she thought about the steps she needed to take to get there.  If she wanted to avoid y, she made a plan to do so.

But alas, sometimes, she didn’t completely think things through.  

Sometimes, she did things out of habit. Like getting up early to work out. Like making sure she had her phone, wallet, and keys before she left the house.

Like leaving Elphie in her suitcase.

It was a rookie mistake.

It’s not like she needed it in London, when she and Ari would be thousands of miles apart.  But the fact was, she just didn’t even think to take it out of her bag.  Like the Glinda doll, Elphie had simply become a staple everywhere she went. Maybe it was weird, but it was almost like a comfort object.  When she saw it, she thought of Ari.  And that made her happy.

Seeing it in Lena’s hands, though, made her distinctly unhappy.  Nervous.  Terrified.  Her brain immediately flipped to damage control.  Sure, Lena was mad.  Who wouldn’t be?  But they had an agreement, and Cynthia thought it was prudent to remind her of that fact.

“We’re in an open relationship,” she said, her voice trembling. 

The silence that rang after her words was so loud, so enormously heavy, that it felt like another being in the room with them.

Watching.

Waiting.

Hovering.

Lena didn’t say a word for several long minutes, and Cynthia’s heart pounded like she was doing cardio.  Every cell in her body was awake, alert, hyper hyper aware.

“We are,” Lena finally said. “I can’t be mad about whatever you’ve been doing, as long as the rules haven’t been broken.”

The room was so quiet that Cynthia was sure Lena could hear her swallow.

“Have the rules been broken?” Lena asked.

That was clearly a trap.  Nobody asked a question as confidently as Lena just did unless they already knew the answer.

Cynthia’s chest felt tight.

“When we were in New York for the premiere,” Lena started, as a spike of panic started at the base of Cynthia’s spine.  “When you said you were going to dinner with your friends. You left your towel on the bathroom counter. And I thought, hey I’ll be a good girlfriend and put it away for you. But when I picked it up, this fell out from under it.”

Lena held up the dark green bag where Cynthia kept Elphie, and Cynthia’s head began to pound.

“I didn’t know what it was but I folded it up and put it back in your suitcase.  Imagine my surprise today, when I was looking for my shirt in your bag, and I see this again.”  She waved the little bag around.  “And what do I find in it?”

She held up Elphie, purposely waving it a little so the shaft wiggled in a way that was completely ridiculous for the tension of the moment.

“Now the only thing that makes sense to me is that you put this on in the bathroom, and you left me alone in the hotel, so you could go fuck Ari.”

A long, painful silence.

“Did you go over there and fuck her?  Or wait, maybe she fucked you.  I don’t know.  I underestimated her before, maybe she got it in her.  But I think it’s you.  Usually the one carrying the dick is the one laying the dick down, so…”

She nodded her head side to side, seemingly unbothered.  Like they were talking about something far, far more pleasant.  She looked expectantly at Cynthia.

“So, did you fuck her that night while I was waiting for you to come back?”

There was absolutely no point in lying. Cynthia had already made one idiotic mistake. She didn’t see the point in making it two.

“Yes,” she said, barely above a whisper.

“Hmm.”

Lena nodded, her lips pressed together in an “I see” expression.

“So let me just make sure I understand. Our agreement was that you wouldn’t have sex with Ari while you and I were together.  But you did it anyway.  Right?”

“Yes,” Cynthia admitted.

“And the night before you had sex with her, you turned me down and said you were too tired. But you weren’t too tired to do it with her.  I mean, maybe if you were the one getting it and you were just laying down, maybe I could see it.  But you were fucking her.  You weren’t too tired to blow her back out, right?”

Cynthia’s silence was answer enough.

“And then that got me thinking.  That pregnancy text.  Ari’s too much of a businesswoman to try to get pregnant with everything going on.  That’s stupid, and even though she has become a serious pain my ass, she’s not stupid.  So, if she’s not really trying, then why would she send you that text?”

Cynthia looked down, unable to bear the completely stoic expression on Lena’s face.  Her already tired body seemed to tire even more, like she had just been unplugged and the battery was dying at warp speed.

“I know what it’s like when the strap is so good, girls actually want you to get them pregnant.  You must have given her that work, huh?”

When Cynthia didn’t answer, Lena actually laughed.

“Damn, okay, Cyn!  You got her fucked up like that?  Respect.  You’ve never shown me that side of you, but I guess she brings it out of you.  She gives you that feeling?  You want to manhandle her and fuck her so good that she’s taking pregnancy tests.”  She laughed and shook her head.  “Wild.”

“Lena…”

“I’m not even mad about it.”  She laid Elphie down on the bed and shrugged.  “You slangin dick, I’m slangin dick, everybody’s slangin dick.”

Cynthia would have laughed had her chest not felt like it would cave in at any moment.  Lena steepled her hands over her lips, her expression serious.

“But you know what I am mad about,” she said.  Not a question.  “You say you love me.  You love what we have and all that.  But when we were at your mom’s house, you were so into that phone and into whatever Ari was talking about that you barely heard anything else.  The kiss at midnight pissed me off.  But you planning to spend the holidays with her next year?”  Lena shook her head, her eyes hard.  “Shit kinda hurt, won’t lie.”

Guilt wrapped around Cynthia like a wet blanket, and she took a step towards the bed, but Lena held her hand up and she stopped.

“I gave you the keys to open this door with Ari twice, so that’s on me.  I accept responsibility for that because I was cool with us opening this up and I thought y’all would have gotten tired of each other by now.”

She stared at Cynthia, her eyes a mixture of fury and hurt.

“But this bitch got you acting outside yourself,” she said, and Cynthia bit her tongue to not start a fight about her vocabulary.  “Got you sneaking around and lying to me.  Got you making plans with her like she’s your wife or some shit.  Sending you pregnancy tests!  That’s fucking crazy.  You know that, right?  Her ass is crazy and she’s making you crazy.”

Cynthia’s body went on full defensive alert, but she took a deep breath to calm herself.

“I’m not crazy,” she said as calmly as she could.  “Our relationship is…” She searched for words that wouldn’t further infuriate Lena.  “Intense.”

“Yeah, it’s them intense ones that’ll have you ready to sell your whole family just to hit the pussy again.”  There was a long pause before she added, “I would know.”

That felt like a dig.  It hit Cynthia in her chest, just as she suspected it was supposed to.  They had an unspoken rule that they didn’t talk about how their relationship started, and even though Lena hadn’t said the words specifically, Cynthia knew what she meant.

She took a minute to gather herself and took another deep breath, determined not to let this turn into something ugly.

“I’m sorry for not honoring our agreement,” she said quietly.  “I’m sorry for lying by omission.  That night in New York…it’s the only time I went beyond our arrangement.”

Lena studied her for a long moment, before she asked, “why did you go over there that night?”

Cynthia frowned.  “I…what…what do you mean?”

“Why did you go over there that night?” Lena asked again, offering no clarity about the question.

“You know why.”  Lena just blinked.  “What do you want me to say?  That I went so we could have sex?  You know that already.”

“What I mean is that you were gonna be in London the next day.  I was gonna be nowhere around.  Why didn’t you just wait?”

And what was Cynthia supposed to say to that?  That she went because she couldn’t wait?  That she burning up for Ari?  That she needed her and missed her so much that she was willing to break the rules?  She didn’t say any of those words, but Lena must have heard them loud and clear anyway, because she shook her head.

“Wow.”

More silence.  More discomfort.  More staring without talking because what words would suffice in the moment?

“You know how many messages I get every day, talking about ‘what’s up with your girl and Ari?  What’s up with your girl and Ari?  She playing in your face.’  And I have to tell them it’s cool, it’s nothing, y’all are just friends, and blah blah blah.”  Lena shook her head.  “I’m done with that.  It’s time to shut the shit down with her.”

Cynthia’s heart lurched.  “Excuse me?”

“Our open relationship,” Lena said, demonstrating with open hands, “is now closed,” and then she snapped her hands together with a loud clap.  “We can pretend like none of this even happened.   I’ve done my dirt.  You’ve done yours.  Let’s call it even and wipe the slate clean.  But I don’t want to hear nothing else about that girl.  For real.”

Lena stood up like that was that, like the decision had been made.  She picked up the Bulls shirt that she’d initially been looking for, and then she picked up Cynthia’s packing sleeve full of worn clothes.

“I’m going to wash my shirt.  You want me to throw your stuff in there too?”

Just as calm as she could be.

Meanwhile, Cynthia was still trying to process what had just happened.  The only thing she could focus on was Lena telling her that their relationship was closed.  That she didn’t want to hear another word about Ari, as if she could simply decide that on Cynthia’s behalf.

“No,” Cynthia said.

Lena shrugged her shoulders in a “suit yourself” motion and started to leave, before Cynthia spoke again.

“I mean no about Ari.”

That stopped Lena in her tracks.  She spun around, lips pursed.

“What does that mean?”

It would have been so, so easy for Cynthia to gobble her words back up... to say okay and to do exactly what Lena was suggesting.

But she was in it too deep with Ari.  She couldn’t imagine putting a stop to their relationship.  She didn’t want to imagine it.

“I won’t stop seeing her,” she said, her voice a little surer than before.  “If you don’t want to have a relationship with me because of that, then I understand.”

Lena stared at her, speechless, like Cynthia was speaking another language that Lena didn’t understand.  When she finally wrapped her head around what Cynthia said, she asked, “have you lost your mind?”

“No,” Cynthia responded, still doing her best to stay calm.

“Are you sure?  Because you’re usually level-headed and act like you have some sense.  Right now, you’re talking crazy and acting stupid.”

Cynthia clenched her jaw.  “Stop.  Do not call me crazy.  Do not call me stupid.”

“Then what are you?  Because this,” she said, gesturing in Cynthia’s direction, “I don’t know this person.  You’ve let this little girl get in your head and she’s changed you.”

Cynthia stood up a little taller, feeling less afraid of the consequences and more certain of her own feelings and needs.  It was true that she had changed.  She had grown.

And that was not a bad thing.

“No. I’ve changed me. But her love was a catalyst.”

Lena’s nostrils flared.

“Oh, so what was my love then?  I guess my love wasn’t shit, huh?”

“That’s not what I’m saying. You and our relationship have been good for me.  But what I have with Ari…she’s good for me right now.”

Lena stared at her in disbelief.  She laughed dryly.  Sarcastically.

“Breaking up with me isn’t just breaking up with me,” Lena said.  “It’s breaking up with this house. It’s breaking up with our friends.  Because they were my friends first and they’re gonna ride with me no matter what.  It’s breaking up with Black Hollywood and especially Black queer Hollywood. Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

Before Cynthia could answer or even really give it any thought, Lena went back to the bed and picked up the bag of Cynthia’s clothes.

“I’ll wash your stuff for you.”

Then, she kissed Cynthia’s cheek like absolutely nothing had happened.  Like Cynthia hadn’t kind of broken up with her.

Cynthia stayed rooted to her spot, confused as absolute fuck, as Lena left with the clothes.  She didn’t know what to think or feel, and as she replayed their conversation over and over, nothing became clearer.

She started to pack for her Florida trip, just to have something to do with her hands.  Her mind was a confusing mess of thoughts and feelings, and it only got worse when Lena returned.  She didn’t look mad.  She didn’t look hurt.  She looked completely normal.  She pulled back the covers on her side of the bed, turned on the TV and casually asked, “what do you want to watch tonight?”

For a brief second, Cynthia wondered if she actually was going crazy.

“I…I think I’m going to sleep in the other room,” she said.

Cynthia went to another room, but she did not get anything that resembled sleep.  She couldn’t stop replaying everything that had happened.  It was uncomfortable when Lena was angry or hurt.  But when she was calm and dismissive when she had every right to be angry…that was unsettling.  And Cynthia had no idea what to make of it or how to respond. 

When her alarm went off the next morning, she went for a long, punishing run in an effort to clear her head.  When she got back home, she found Lena still asleep.  There was a part of Cynthia that felt like they needed to talk again.  But there was another part of her that felt like she needed space.  A lot of it. 

After she was dressed and ready, she headed for the airport without waking Lena up and without even leaving a note.

Cynthia tried to distract herself on the flight to Florida.  She had scripts to read and emails to return and contracts to review for final signature.  All of the words just seemed to swim around in front of her, though, and she finally sighed and gave up and let herself fall into an uneasy sleep.

When she landed, there was a car waiting for her and as soon as she arrived at Ari’s mom’s house, all the quiet contemplation she’d been doing was blown to smithereens.

“There she is!” Joan said, excitedly pulling her into a tight hug.  “Thank God you’re here.  Ari hasn’t shut up about you for the past three weeks and I think we’re all about ready to tape her mouth shut.”

“Or gorilla glue it!” Frankie called from the kitchen.

Despite her somber mood, Cynthia smiled.

“Where is Ari?” she asked.

“Oh, who knows, probably somewhere writing sonnets about you,” Joan said, rolling her eyes.

That made Cynthia laugh.

“Cyn!” Ari squealed, appearing from a hallway.

She ran to Cynthia like a blonde blur and before Cynthia could properly prepare herself, Ari launched her tiny body into Cynthia’s arms. 

“I missed you, I missed you, I missed you!” Ari said, peppering kisses all over Cynthia’s face.

All the affection and excitement warmed Cynthia to her bones and once she got her bearings, she wrapped her arms around Ari and hugged her close.

“I missed you, too.  So much.”

“Oh, Lord, get a room,” Frankie told them.  “And try to keep it down because I do not need to hear my little sister going to town on you.”

Cynthia blushed and set Ari down gently, though she kept an arm around her waist.

“No promises,” Ari sang, her face practically glowing with excitement.

“Oh, God, gag me. And not in the fun way," Frankie said.

"Come on, I'll show you to our room," Ari said, tugging on Cynthia's hand. As they headed down the hall, Cynthia couldn't help but notice how Ari had said "our room" so casually, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Karaoke in an hour!” Joan called behind them.

Once inside their room, Ari shut the door and Cynthia barely had time to drop her bag before Ari was on her.  She immediately pressed Cynthia against the door, kissing her it was her life’s mission.  Cynthia melted into the kiss, all the stress and tension from the past day briefly disappearing.

“I missed you so much,” Ari moaned, only extracting her tongue to express that sentiment.

“I missed you, too, babe.”

“I am going to ride you like a motorcycle.”

Cynthia laughed into Ari’s mouth and her body responded very well to the idea. But her mind wasn’t quite there. As hard as she tried to focus on Ari and the press of Ari’s lips against her neck, she couldn’t shake the irritation and feeling of dread after the conversation with Lena. When Ari’s hands fell to Cynthia’s pants and started to undo them, Cynthia stopped her.

“Mm, baby, wait, wait.”

Ari looked at her with a dazed expression, hungry and horny.

“I…could we talk first?” Cynthia asked. “My head is sort of all over the place right now.”

That snapped Ari out of her fog and she immediately nodded.

“Yes, of course. What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“Can we sit?”

Cynthia led Ari to the California-king sized mattress and sat down, pulling Ari into her lap. Ari yelped in delight and wrapped her legs around Cynthia’s waist.

“Talk to me.”

Cynthia took a deep breath, steeling herself. She ran her hands up and down Ari's sides, finding comfort in Ari’s body and closeness.

"Lena found Elphie in my suitcase."

Ari’s gasp was loud and genuine.  Her hands flew to her mouth, eyes wide as saucers. "Ho. Ly. Shit.  Oh my God.  What happened?!?"

"She confronted me about it.  About us.  She knew I was with you that night in New York."

Ari’s hands still covered her mouth when she said, “Oh my God, baby.  I’m so sorry this happened and you had to go through it alone.  I feel terrible.”

“It’s not your fault, love,” Cynthia reassured her. She gently scratched up and down Ari’s arms. “The truth was bound to come out at some point.”

“Still. How did she take it?"

“Honestly?  I have no idea.  She seemed fine one minute. Then angry. Then fine again. Then kind of bewildered, I suppose.”

“Bewildered about what?”

"That I said no when she told me to stop seeing you.”

Ari’s eyes got even wider, if that was possible, and she finally let her hands fall from her mouth and onto Cynthia’s shoulders.

“You said no to that?” she asked softly.

Cynthia smiled at her.  “I did.  I said I wouldn't stop seeing you, even if it meant ending things with her."

Ari’s hands were back on her mouth, and she shook her head.  “I can’t believe you said that.”

“Apparently, neither could she. Because she basically pretended that I didn’t say it and tried to act like everything was normal.” Cynthia sighed. “It made me feel like I was in the Twilight Zone. I left this morning without even talking to her.”

As if on cue, Cynthia’s phone vibrated at that exact moment.

A text from Lena.

She looked at Ari, silently asking if she should read it.  Ari nodded.

I take it you made it to your bitch’s house safely

Cynthia pressed her lips together and then showed Ari the phone.  Ari’s eyes got so big, Cynthia was worried they might fall out of her head.

“Soooo I think it’s safe to say she’s actually not fine with it,” Ari said.

And that only became even clearer when Ari’s phone buzzed next, also with a text from Lena.  Ari looked almost afraid to open it.

I know she’s with you. Leave her alone. You’re not home wrecking this one.

Fury blossomed in Cynthia’s veins when she read the text.

“Block her,” she said immediately.

Ari did so and Cynthia sighed.  A headache was forming behind her eyes and she suddenly felt very tired again.

"I'm sorry, love.  I didn't mean to bring all this drama into our time together.  This isn’t fair to you," Cynthia said softly.

Ari shook her head emphatically. "No, don't apologize. This is part of being together, right? Dealing with the hard stuff as a team." She cupped Cynthia's face gently. "I'm here for you, whatever you need."

Cynthia leaned into Ari's touch, feeling a wave of affection wash over her. “She shouldn’t have texted you.  I don’t like that.”

“Well, she did.  And I blocked her.  And that’s over,” Ari said, like it was as simple as that.

“But…”

“No buts, Cynthia,” Ari said, gentle and firm at the same time.  “She could show up here tonight with an army of knife-wielding assassins and it wouldn’t be enough to scare me off.  Okay?  Do you believe me?”

Cynthia smiled, turning slightly to kiss Ari’s palm.  “Yes.”

“Good,” Ari said with a smile. “Now.  What do you want to do?  Forget about Lena and all that drama.  We can worry about that tomorrow.  What do you need from me right now?”

Cynthia didn’t have to think about that.  She nuzzled Ari’s neck and rested her head on Ari’s shoulders.

“This,” she sighed.

Ari stroked her back and kissed her head.

“I can do that," Ari murmured, continuing to hold Cynthia close. "For as long as you need."

They sat like that for several long minutes, Cynthia breathing in Ari's comforting scent and feeling the tension slowly drain from her body.  Ari's fingers traced soothing patterns on her back.

Eventually, Cynthia lifted her head and met Ari's gaze. "Thank you," she said softly. “I needed that.”

Ari smiled and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. "Always."

A knock at the door startled them both. "Hey, lovebirds!" Joan called. "Karaoke time! Get your butts out here!"

Ari rolled her eyes but grinned. "You up for some family fun?  Or do you need more time?"

“I think I’m up for it,” Cynthia grinned, and she stole another kiss.

Karaoke was, predictably, completely chaotic, and exactly what Cynthia needed.  She let herself be dragged into multiple duets (all pretty ridiculous except the ones with Ari), and while it was usually Ari following Cynthia around like a puppy, it was Cynthia not letting Ari more than five inches away from her all night.  When they weren’t singing, she pulled Ari into her lap.  She rested her head on Ari’s shoulder.  She followed Ari into the kitchen for snacks, hugging her from behind the entire time.

When they snuggled up in bed later that night, they lay on their sides, facing each other. 

“I needed all of this today,” Cynthia admitted, giving Ari a tired smile.  “I feel a lot calmer.”

“You look a lot less stressed,” Ari told her, rubbing a thumb along Cynthia’s cheek.

“I’ve missed you so much and I know it’s been a while since we had sex.  But would it be okay if we just kissed tonight?”

Ari smiled at her so sweetly that Cynthia almost melted into the bed.

“Of course we can,” Ari told her.  “We never have to do anything you’re not ready for.”   She leaned in and kissed Cynthia.  “And I love kissing you.”

Cynthia smiled and leaned in, capturing Ari's lips in a soft, tender kiss.  They kissed languidly for several minutes, savoring the intimacy and connection.  The feel of each other’s lips. Soft scrapes of teeth.  Cynthia felt the last of her tension melt away as she lost herself in Ari's warmth.

When they finally parted, Ari nuzzled Cynthia's nose affectionately. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," Cynthia murmured back.

Sleep was easy in their safe little bubble.

But the bubble burst the next day.  Not at first, though.  At first, the day was perfect.  Waking up in Ari’s arms.  Breakfast with her crazy ass but loving family.  They were even able to squeeze in a snuggly nap before they got ready for the Palm Springs International Film Society event where Ari was being honored.  They all went together, like one big family, but things took a small turn when Ari had to sit with Ethan instead of Cynthia.  Which of course, chafed Cynthia’s ass quite a bit.

And then Lena started calling. 

Repeatedly.

Cynthia silenced the calls and texted back, can’t talk right now.

So Lena switched to texts, calm at first.

We need to talk.

I’ve been thinking about our conversation.

I think you’re making a big mistake with her and you just can’t see it.

But with every unanswered message, the tone of her texts began to shift.

Does the studio know about y’all?

How do you think you being with her will affect the movie?

What about your Oscar chances?

Those texts…made Cynthia nervous.  They weren’t outright threats, but they kind of had that feeling.  Her stomach twisted and her mind considered a scenario she had not previously thought of.

What if Lena outed them?

Her body prickled with panic, and she immediately texted her team that they needed to get on a call after the event.  She’d never considered that she might need to get her partner to sign an NDA, but suddenly that seemed like a priority.  She texted Lena back.

Can this please wait until after Sunday?  It’s a big night for me, and you’re stressing me out with all these messages.  We can have a long conversation after Sunday, okay?

Several anxiety-producing minutes passed before Lena responded with: cool.

Cynthia’s brain was frazzled for the rest of the night, and once they were finally back at Joan’s place, Cynthia took Ari to their room.

“I think I should stay at a hotel tonight,” she said, unable to hide her nerves.

Ari’s face screwed up.  “A hotel?  Why?”

“Lena is…I don’t know.  Planning something?  Hinting at something?  I’m not sure, but it’s making me nervous and I need to talk to my lawyers and get something in the works.”

Ari’s eyes widened.  “Lawyers?  Wait, wait, babe, I don’t understand.”

“I don’t, either.  And I don’t want to freak you out.  But I think I need a night alone.”  At Ari’s sad and worried expression, Cynthia caressed her cheek.  “I promise, I would rather be here.  But I need to think clearly and if I’m here with you, I’ll want to forget it all and pretend like it’s just you and me.  Can you understand that?”

“Yes, I’ve just missed you so much, and now you’re leaving.”

“We’ll see each other in the morning,” Cynthia reminded her.

Ari’s pout almost undid her.  “Okay.”

Cynthia kissed her.  “And we’re all flying back together tomorrow so we can talk about everything then, okay?”

Ari didn’t look pleased but she agreed and didn’t put up (much) fight when a car arrived to take Cynthia to the hotel that her team had secured for her while they were at the event.  Once she was alone in her room, in comfy clothes and on her computer with her team, she went into Capricorn mode.  All business.  She disclosed everything to them as unemotionally as possible: the relationship with Ari, the things going on with Lena, her concerns with the messages Lena sent.

To their credit, nobody blinked an eye and it was all hands on deck planning for different scenarios in case Lena was doing more than expressing frustration at what was happening.

Cynthia spent most of the night going over contingency plans with her team, discussing potential PR strategies, and drafting legal documents. By the time she finally crawled into bed in the early hours of the morning, her head was spinning with worst-case scenarios and damage control plans.

When it was her turn to be honored the next day with the Creative Impact Award, she was exhausted and jittery, but at least she had some back-up plans.  Her heart calmed just a little bit when she found Ari at the event.  It took everything in her not to fall into her arms and instead she settled for a hug.  Ari must have seen it on her face, and as usual, she knew exactly what to say.

“I missed you for 12 hours.”

Cynthia made it through the event, gave her speech and kept her sanity mostly by being close to Ari the whole time.  She didn’t check her phone until the event ended and she was back in a car, this time with Ari.

“How did it go last night?” Ari asked, holding her hand.

“Long.  But we got something ironed out and I haven’t heard from Lena so maybe I was overreacting.”

When she checked her phone and saw nearly 100 text messages, though, her heart leapt into her throat and her mind told her that her intuition had been right.  The latest message was from Capri, so she opened it first.

Girl.  What is Lena doing?  Have you seen her post about Ari on IG?

Cynthia’s heart sank like a stone.

“Oh no.”

“What?” Ari asked.

Cynthia pulled up IG and went to Lena’s story, where she found a still of Ari’s interview on Actors on Actors, where she had admitted that the two of them had been a little extra on the press tour.  The still caught Ari as she called herself and Cynthia “insufferable.”

“Oh shit,” Cynthia said, a headache immediately forming.  She gave the phone to Ari, who just looked at it with total confusion on her face.

“I don’t get it,” she said.  “What does this mean?”

Cynthia sighed heavily.  “I think she’s going to out us.”

Ari had no reaction at first, but then she sat up straighter and said, “I’ll call every lawyer I have.”

They were both on the phone for the next several hours, from the car to the house to the plane back to LA.  They sat together and strategized and talked to each other’s teams and made plans for Scenario A and B and C all the way through to Z.  Cynthia tried to call Lena several times, but she never got an answer.  Lena kept posting, though.  Mostly her usual random shit.  But also a picture of Ari from the event the night before, with zero context other than the song “Bittersweet Symphony” playing in the background.

She was definitely planning to out them.

And all of it was starting to make the rounds on social media, begging the question: what the fuck is happening?

The constant back and forth only stopped when Cynthia and Ari both received a text at the same time from the same unknown number.  When Cynthia read hers, her heart froze.

We need to talk.  Now.  Text me the minute you land.

And the name of the sender read, “maybe: McKenzie Ford.”

Fuuuuuck.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which there is some tension

As it turned out, Ari and Cynthia didn’t need to let McKenzie know when they landed, because the moment the jet’s wheels hit the ground, McKenzie was already waiting for them.

She stood next to a stretch limousine, tall and imposing in a tailored pantsuit and heels that rivaled some of the ridiculous ones Cynthia liked to wear.  Her long, wavy hair blew in the wind and she wore dark sunglasses, arms folded.

She looked more like an FBI agent than a studio executive. 

Maybe, somewhere deep deep down, Ari could admit that one might consider her hot, if she wasn’t such a love-hating reptile.

Ari parted ways with Frankie and her mom, and as she and Cynthia made their way to the limo, her heart picked up its pace.  She still vividly remembered their last interaction with McKenzie: how cold she had been, how hurtful.  Ari didn’t like her at all.  And more than that, she didn’t like the way Cynthia had acted after McKenzie’s visit, and she worried that Cynthia might shut down again.  When she glanced over at Cynthia as they walked, she could already see how her body language was changing: stiff shoulders, erect back, a bit of a scowl on her face.

God, this was all bad.

When they reached the limo, McKenzie opened the door for them.  Ari slid around to the other row of seats and her heart leapt a little when Cynthia sat right next to her, legs touching.  That seemed like a good sign, maybe.  Ari really wanted to hold hands, but she thought that might be pushing it.

When McKenzie sat down and closed the door, the driver pulled off.  For the first several minutes of the ride, nobody said a word.  McKenzie stared straight ahead, glasses still on and face set firmly to “resting bitch.”

“Where are we going?” Ari finally asked, when she couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“Cynthia’s house,” McKenzie said.

For some reason, that made Ari even more nervous.  “What’s at Cynthia’s house?”

“Lena.”

Ari’s stomach sank because truly, how could this get any worse?  She had assumed this would all be handled neatly with a few phone calls, maybe a couple of not-so-subtle threats, none of it in person.  She swallowed and nearly cried in relief when Cynthia reached over and took her hand, lacing their fingers together and gently stroking her thumb over Ari’s hand.

“We’re all going to have a nice little chat,” McKenzie said.

Ari squeezed Cynthia’s hand and asked, “what…what does that mean?”

McKenzie didn’t answer, and she didn’t speak again for the rest of the ride.  Ari held onto Cynthia’s hand like it was a life preserver and even though Cynthia mostly kept her eyes on the windows or McKenzie, every now and then she leaned over and whispered, “it’s all right.  We’ll figure this out.”

Unfortunately, that did nothing to stop the vomit-y feeling building up in Ari’s body.  With every mile they got closer to Cynthia’s house, she scooted closer and closer until she was basically draped over Cynthia’s body, squeezing her hand like a stress ball.  Cynthia’s other hand went to Ari’s back and she rubbed reassuring circles on it, and Ari was pretty sure she felt a bit of a tremble in those hands. 

It occurred to her then for the first time that maybe Cynthia was scared, too.  You’d never know it by looking at her face.  But Ari remembered that underneath the shutdown from McKenzie’s last visit were a lot of hurt and scared emotions just like Ari had been feeling.  She returned the gesture by rubbing Cynthia’s back and saying, “yeah, we’ll figure it out,” even though she wasn’t sure they actually would.

When the limo pulled up to Cynthia’s and Lena’s house and they all piled out of the car, Ari very briefly considered taking off. 

She wondered how far she could run before she passed out.  (Not far, her brain helpfully supplied).

Her stomach twisted into a queasy pretzel when Cynthia opened the front door.  Ari’s mind was racing, trying to put together all the likely scenarios, and she wasn’t prepared to see Lena immediately, but there she was.  Sitting at the kitchen counter, on her phone, sipping some brown liquor.  When she looked up and Cynthia, her face hardened.  When she saw Ari, her face exploded into shocked fury.

“I know you didn’t bring that bitch into my house!” were the first words out of her mouth.

“She didn’t,” McKenzie said coolly, appearing like a tall bodyguard behind Ari.  “I did.”

Lena’s face screwed up into a cartoon-like expression.  “Who the hell are you?”

“My name is McKenzie Ford.  I’m a studio executive for Universal.  I’m here because we all need to talk about what’s going on.”

“Oh, hell nah,” Lena said, as she abandoned her chair and stood up to her full height…which was still shorter than McKenzie’s.  “I don’t know who you think you are coming into my house like this, but you can turn around and leave before I call the cops and have you arrested for trespassing.”

Ari’s heart pounded and her eyes bounced from Lena to McKenzie, and she found herself squeezing Cynthia’s hand again.

“First of all,” McKenzie, slowly removing her sunglasses and folding them up.  “I’m not trespassing.  Cynthia also lives here, and I’m an invited guest of hers.  Isn’t that right?”

All eyes fell to Cynthia, who for once, looked very small.  “…sure,” she said.

“Secondly, if I were you, I would think twice about threatening someone who has to power to end your career in this town with one well-placed phone call.  Keep talking, and I’ll have your show off the air before I even finish this sentence.”

That seemed to land with Lena, because as she still stood in a defensive posture, her shoulders dropped just a little and she pursed her mouth in that way people do when they want to say something but their good sense tells them not to.

“Have a seat,” McKenzie said.

It wasn’t directed at anyone in particular, but she walked around to the couch, so everyone followed.  The three of them sat down, Lena on one end, Cynthia in the middle, and Ari on the other end.  Lena sat as far from Cynthia as possible, while Ari was as close to her as she could manage without being obscene.

McKenzie paced in front of them and Ari’s stomach churned, feeling like the three of them were in elementary school and McKenzie was the hard-ass principal that was about to expel them.

“This,” McKenzie finally said, gesturing to the whole lot of them, “is a problem.”  She turned her attention specifically to Ari and Cynthia and asked, “didn’t I tell you two to stop fucking?”

Irritation bloomed in Ari: the same irritation she’d felt the last time McKenzie had given them a dressing down.

“We did stop,” she said indignantly.

“Oh, did you?” McKenzie asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm.  “But you started back up, right?  That’s not stopping, honey.  That’s pausing.”

“Facts,” Lena said.

McKenzie’s head whipped to Lena and without a second’s worth of hesitation, McKenzie said, “shut up.”

In what would have been hilarious on a sitcom, Ari’s and Cynthia’s mouths fell open at the exact same moment.  Lena reared back like McKenzie had slapped her.

“Hold up, you’re not gonna talk to me like that,” Lena said.

McKenzie didn’t even flinch.  Instead, she doubled down.  “Shut.  The.  Fuck.  Up.”

Ari’s free hand flew to her mouth to hide her shock.  And maybe also to hide the smile that was threatening to overtake her entire face.

“Before your little meltdown on Instagram,” McKenzie continued, “the only people who suspected there might actually be something going on between the two of them was about 46 random lesbians on the Internet that absolutely nobody was paying attention to.  We could have played that off.  Ignored it.  Fed into the idea that everyone who really saw their connection was crazy.  But guess what?”

McKenzie leaned down, almost invading Lena’s space.

“With your little…”  She looked at Ari.  “What do they call it?  When someone has a temper tantrum?  A crash dummy?”

Ari pressed her lips together to keep from laughing.  “A crashout.”

“Crashout.”  McKenzie turned back to Lena.  “Thanks to your little crashout, you have given legitimacy to the rumors.  If there was nothing there, you wouldn’t be acting like there is.  Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, and your posts are smoke signals.  The attention that the three of you are getting and will certainly continue to get over the next several days…is your fault.  And I can guarantee you that if the movie suffers because of this.  If they,” she said, waving to Cynthia and Ari, “suffer because of this, you won’t be able to put on a free play at a children’s theater, much less make movies or TV.  Do you understand?”

Lena stared at McKenzie, mouth pursed and nostrils flared.

She didn’t respond.

McKenzie took a deep breath and moved out of her space, turning her attention Cynthia and Ari.

“You two are on a timeout,” she said.  “You should still be friendly together tomorrow at the Golden Globes because if you acted different, it would only raise suspicions that her IG posts have merit.  But consider tomorrow your last hurrah during this awards season.  No sitting together.  No flirting.  No touching.  No none of that.  Because I swear to God, if I see you two even breathe in each other’s direction before the Oscars are over, I will personally see to it that everyone thinks you’re the most difficult divas to work with on Earth, and the only place you’ll be able to get jobs are London parks and Nickelodeon.  Do I make myself clear?”

Ari looked at Cynthia, whose jaw was clenching and unclenching before she said, “yes.”  Ari nodded her understanding, mostly because she remembered how awful it felt to be apart from Cynthia the last time and she was afraid she might cry if she opened her mouth.

McKenzie sighed again.  “Fucking lesbians,” she grumbled.  Her phone rang and she answered with a gruff, “what?”  She eyed them for a minute and then walked out of the room to the patio where they could all see her pacing back and forth, rolling her eyes and occasionally gesticulating wildly.

The tension in the living room was, well…otherworldly.

Ari was suddenly aware of how close she was to Cynthia.  That their legs and thighs were touching in every place and it still didn’t feel close enough.  Ari chanced a look at Lena and found Lena staring at her in way that easily be described as “murderous.”

She gulped.

“Your lawyers and PR teams are with ours ironing out terms on the NDA right now,” McKenzie said as she blew back into the room like an unfairly attractive cyborg.  “I expect them read and signed by tomorrow morning.  I also expect you all to be on your best behavior tomorrow.  You will be friendly with each other.  There will not be any drama to fan the flames.  You,” she said, pointing to Lena, “are going to hug her,” pointing to Ari.

Lena scoffed.  “I’m not doing that shit.”

McKenzie leveled with her a gaze and said, “Children’s.  Theater.”

Lena's face contorted in disgust, but she didn't argue further.  Ari's stomach churned at the thought of having to hug Lena, especially after everything that had happened.  She glanced at Cynthia, hoping to find some reassurance, but Cynthia's face was an unreadable mask. 

McKenzie’s phone rang again, and when she looked at the name, her body language visibly softened.  She seemed to hesitate about answering it, but when she did, she turned slightly and said in a sweet voice that was shocking from her mouth, “hey, babe.”

Ari and Cynthia immediately looked at each other, equally shocked by the change in demeanor.  Ari noticed for the first time a ring on McKenzie’s left hand ring finger and she wondered: who would marry a dragon lady like McKenzie?

“Yes, I’m here,” McKenzie said.  A short pause.  “No, I haven’t killed them.  Yet.”  She narrowed her eyes at the three women the couch.  “I’m not saying that.”  A pause.  “Because it’s unprofessional.”  A pause, and she rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically.  She moved the phone away from her mouth and looked at Ari and Cynthia.  “My wife says she loves the movie and you two are adorable.” 

When Ari and Cynthia looked at each other again, they smiled conspiratorially. 

No wonder she had let them have an extra day in London and was being weirdly protective underneath all that bluster.

“I’ll be home soon.  Yes.  Yes.  Love you, too.”

When she got off the phone, McKenzie went back into boss bitch mode.  “Now.  I'm going to leave you three to sort out whatever personal issues you have.”  She looked at Ari and Cynthia and said, “keep your hands to yourself tomorrow.”  She turned to Lena and said, “and keep your hands off the ‘post’ button on social media.”

She saw herself out, leaving the three of them on the couch with no supervising adult. 

The tension was still high, although maybe a little less so now that they knew McKenzie was herself one of the “fucking lesbians” she grumbled about and that she did have a heart somewhere in there.  Cynthia was still stiff, though, and Ari couldn’t quell the concern that she might shut down again.  She wanted to crawl into her lap and kiss her and make her forget it all.  She wanted her warm Cynthia back.

But Lena was still there, eyeing Ari like she was trying to calculate how far she could throw her, and Ari had never been good with uncomfortable silences.  Something had to break. 

“I’m sorry,” Ari said, directing her attention to Lena.  “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

Cynthia met Ari’s eyes again, and her eyes were a little softer than before.  She briefly reached down and squeezed Ari’s knee before removing her hand again.

“You didn’t mean for any of this to happen,” Lena said.  “Hmm.  So, what?  When Cynthia snuck off in the middle of the night in New York, you didn’t mean to have sex with her?  You just accidentally fell on her dick?”

“Lena,” Cynthia said, her voice soft but her tone exhausted.   She turned to Ari and said, “you don’t have to answer that.”

“She’s not grown enough to speak up for herself?” Lena asked, tauntingly.  “Are y’all lovers, or are you her mommy?”

“Enough,” Cynthia said.

“No, it’s okay,” Ari told her.  She looked right at Lena, her nerves completely frayed but her love for Cynthia giving her a hit of bravery.  “If you have something to say to me, say it.  We’re all here.  We’re gonna be stuck together for the next two months.  Say it.  You think I’m insufferable?”

“Completely.”

“Okay, anything else you want to get off your chest?”

Lena's eyes narrowed, her nostrils flaring as she took a deep breath.  She leaned over so she had a clear line of vision directly into Ari’s eyes.

"You want to know what I really think? I think you're a homewrecker. A child playing at being an adult. You prance around like a little fucking fairy, with your big eyes, acting all innocent, but I see right through you.  And you know why?  Because game recognize game.  You knew exactly what you were doing from the start.  And now that you’ve got your hooks in Cynthia, you’ll play with her just until you get bored.  And then she’ll come crawling back to me.”

Ari’s cheeks flushed with heat, a mix of anger and embarrassment swirling in her chest.  She’d heard it all before, of course.  From her enemies and even from people who claimed to be her fans.  That she was easy.  A slut.  A man-stealer.  That she could never stay with anyone because she was just in it for the chase. 

Ari would have been lying if she said the punches didn’t land, or that they didn’t hurt.  They did.  But she wasn’t going to let Lena know that.  Cynthia looked at Ari again, her eyes pleading to let her handle it.  But she didn’t, and wouldn’t, unless Ari wanted her to.

And Ari didn’t want her to.

“You know what I think about you?” Ari asked.  “I think you have fumbled the most amazing woman in the world and you’re taking it out on me, when in reality, she never would have even given me the time of day if you were doing what you were supposed to from the beginning.”

The tension was so thick, emotions so high, that Ari like she could hardly breathe.  She should have stopped there, she knew. 

But. 

Underneath all the pink and Galinda-fication, she was still Ariana fucking Grande.

“And to answer your question, no,” Ari said.  “I didn’t accidentally fall on her dick.  I very purposely took every inch of that dick while she fucked me against my fridge.”

The reaction was immediate.  Lena lunged across the couch, hands out like she was going to strangle Ari where she sat.

But Cynthia jumped in the way and Ari skittered off the couch.

“Hey, hey!” Cynthia said, physically restraining Lena from potentially catching a case.  She turned to Ari, eyes wide with why the fuck would you say that, and said, “go outside.  Go.  Now.”

Ari didn't need to be told twice. She bolted out the front door, her heart pounding as she heard muffled shouting from inside. The cool night air hit her flushed face as she paced back and forth on the driveway, wringing her shaky hands.

She didn’t regret what she said to Lena.  She did regret leaving Cynthia in there to deal with the fallout.  She actually opened the front door again, ready to apologize or whatever she had to do, but she snapped it back closed when she heard all the screaming.  Instead, she parked herself on the ground.   

After what felt like an eternity but was probably only 10 minutes, she heard the front door open. She looked up and found a frazzled-looking Cynthia closing the door and taking several deep breaths.

“I’m sorry,” Ari said immediately. “I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have said that. I just…” She shrugged. “I just needed get her back!”

“You certainly accomplished that,” Cynthia said.

She didn’t sound angry or even annoyed.  Just tired. 

She sat down next to Ari and to Ari’s surprise, she held her hand out.  Ari took it immediately, wrapping their fingers together like she would never get to do it again.

“Are you okay?” Ari asked quietly.

Cynthia looked at her seriously and asked, “are you?”

“Yes?” Ari said, but that didn’t feel true.  “No.  I don’t know.  I’m worried.  Really, really worried.”

“About this getting out?”

“No, about us,” Ari said.

Cynthia frowned.  “What about us?”

Ari recalled those dreadful months after their first breakup.  The distance and the strain.  The longing that had felt like death.  Ugh.  She didn’t know if she could endure it again.

“I don’t understand what any of this means for our relationship,” she said.  “We can’t even sit together at awards shows?  We can’t hold hands or be close?  For two months?  That sounds like torture.  And then what happens after that?  What if they decide we can’t be together until the next movie is out, too?”  The thought of that was enough to produce tears.  “Being apart from you was so terrible the last time.  Are we…like...are we breaking up right now?”

Her heart thudded with anticipation of the answer, and when Cynthia didn’t immediately say no, it felt like someone had punched her in the chest. 

“I don’t know,” Cynthia admitted quietly.  “That’s not what I want.  But maybe we should, I don't know…put a pause on things.  Just for now.”

Ari wiped her eyes and looked away.  A “pause” sounded an awful lot like a “break.”

“What does that mean to you?” she asked.  “Pausing.”

Cynthia was quiet for a long while, and Ari’s poor heart didn’t know what to do.

“It means not sleeping together,” Cynthia finally said, her voice apologetic.  “Leaning more into the friendship side of our relationship than the romantic side.  We both have so much going on in the next few months anyway…maybe this isn’t a bad thing.  Maybe we need a little space to clear our heads and focus on the long-term plans.  Do you know what I mean?”

Ari stared at the ground underneath her feet.  Watched an ant crawl by.  Felt the light breeze on her skin.  She was trying to think about anything other than what Cynthia was saying, because if she thought about it too hard, she would have a breakdown right there in the driveway.

“Ari,” Cynthia said gently.  “Baby, are you listening to me?”

“Mmhm.”

“Do you have any thoughts about what I’ve said?”

Ari shook her head.  She had thoughts, of course, but there was no point in sharing them because it wouldn’t change anything.  It wouldn’t change McKenzie’s directions or whatever was in the NDAs that were forthcoming.  It wouldn’t change Cynthia’s opinion. 

If she wanted a “pause,” then Ari would give her a pause.

“Could you look at me, please?” Cynthia asked.

Ari slowly dragged her gaze up to Cynthia and she nearly broke at the tender gaze she found.  Cynthia brought a hand up and stroked Ari’s cheek.

“This isn’t forever, love,” she said, barely above a whisper.  “It’s two months, okay?  That’s going to fly by so quickly because we’re going to be so busy.  We’ll still see each other.  We’ll still talk every day.  And most importantly, I still love you.”  She wiped away a tear from Ari's cheek.  “I love you, and I want to be with you.  I will be with you.”

Ari studied Cynthia.  She looked genuine.  She sounded genuine.  But it wasn’t really Cynthia that was the problem.  It was everyone and everything else: the studio, Lena, McKenzie.  All of it.  Even if Cynthia meant every word she said, there were so many other factors that came into play and Ari didn’t want to get her hopes up again.

“Okay,” was all she said in return.

Ari called a car to come get her, and she and Cynthia sat quietly together while they waited.  When it arrived, Cynthia opened the door for her and stood there until Ari was buckled up. 

“This is temporary,” she reminded Ari. 

There was hesitation after that.  Awkwardness.  Were they supposed to kiss?  A few hours earlier, that wouldn’t have even been a question.  It was starting already, and this time, Ari felt like she was the one shutting down.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said.

A flash of pain shone in Cynthia’s eyes, but she nodded and closed the door.

When Ari got home, she lay in her bed, replaying everything from the day.  She skimmed through all her emails and messages, almost all about the NDA and how they would proceed.  When the NDA itself came, she didn’t even read it.  Whatever is said wouldn’t make the situation suck any less, and she already knew her marching orders.  Pretend with Ethan at least through the Oscars.  Be cordial with Lena at least through the Oscars.  Act like friends (and nothing else) with Cynthia at least through the Oscars.  She signed the NDA and closed her messages.

She put a countdown on her phone until March 2^nd, the day of the Oscars.

57 days.

57 days of acting like she wasn’t so in love with Cynthia that sometimes she could barely see straight.

57 days of a “pause," whatever the fuck that meant.

She groaned.

This was going to be the longest two months of her life.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which there is the aftermath

It all happened so quickly.

One minute, Cynthia was sitting on the edge of the couch, uneasily observing the interaction between Lena on her left and Ari on her right.  The tension was sky high and Cynthia’s protective instincts screamed at her to take control and shut it down.  But Ari was her own person, and she wanted to handle it.  So, Cynthia let her handle it.

A mistake. 

Clearly.

“And to answer your question, no,” Ari said.  “I didn’t accidentally fall on her dick.  I very purposely took every inch of that dick while she fucked me against my fridge.”

Cynthia barely had time to register what Ari had said, or the impact it would have, before Lena’s cool melted like ice in an oven and she leapt across Cynthia’s lap, barely missing Ari before Ari jumped off the couch.

“Hey!  Hey!” Cynthia said, physically restraining Lena by the shoulders.  Cynthia whipped her head around to Ari, who stood stock still like she also couldn’t believe what she had just said, and she said, “go outside.  Go.  Now.”

Before she kills you was unsaid but definitely received.

Ari ran for the door, and Lena jerked away from Cynthia and ran after Ari.  Cynthia jumped over the couch to stop Lena before she could grab Ari, right before Ari was out the door.

“You better fucking run!” Lena shouted after her, as Cynthia blocked the door so Lena couldn’t pursue Ari any more.  “Little bitch!  I’ll knock your little fucking teeth out!”

“Hey!” Cynthia said again, waving her hands in Lena’s face to try to get her back down to Earth.  She grabbed her shoulders and shook her one good time, and when Lena’s attention was on her, she looked nothing short of livid. 

“Oh, you’re protecting her now?” Lena screamed.  “You’re protecting her?!”

“You’re acting crazy!” Cynthia screamed back.  “Control yourself.”

“I’m acting crazy?  You out here fucking bitches against fridges, and I’m acting crazy?!”

“Calm down!” Cynthia yelled, which she only did because she wasn’t sure a normal tone of voice would slice through the steam coming out of Lena’s ears.  “Calm down!”

Lena backed off, breathing hard and eyes wild.  She paced back and forth: a bull with its eyes on the red flag and trying to decide whether or not to charge again.

“Against a fridge.  Wow.  You was fuckin fuckin, huh?”

De-escalate.  De-escalate.  De-escalate.

That’s all Cynthia’s mind could come up with.  She held up a hand, trying to placate and calm.

“It was one time,” she said, her voice steady and sure.  “Okay?  It was one time that she was talking about, and she said it to get under your skin after you instigated a fight with her.”

“I instigated it?!” Lena asked, laughing loudly.

“Yes!  You did!  She apologized to you and you couldn’t accept it like an adult and move on.”

“You think that shit was an apology?” Lena shouted.  “Her saying she’s ‘sorry’ for fucking you?! ‘Oh, oh, look at me, I’m such a helpless little bunny.  Somebody save me’,” Lena said, making her voice ridiculously high while she hunched her shoulders to make herself smaller.  Then she scoffed.  “And you’re buying that shit?  She's playing you, Cynthia!  Wake the fuck up!”

Cynthia’s heart raced and a sense of panic overcame her.  She always did her best to stay calm in testy situations, but being yelled triggered her like few other things could. 

“Don’t scream at me,” she said with as much poise as she could.  “I don’t like being screamed at.  You know that.  We can talk calmly or we can take a timeout until you can calm down.”

Lena looked at her for a solid five seconds, and then she screamed as loud as she could, “fuck you!”

The words hit Cynthia like a punch, and she closed her eyes and tried not to absorb them or the sheer vitriol with which Lena had spoken them.  She took a few deep breaths to center herself and when she opened her eyes, Lena was still looking like she might ram her body through the front door, just to get her hands on Ari.

“I’m going to remove myself from this situation,” Cynthia said.  “You are not in a state of mind to talk to me like this and…”

Lena cut her off.  “You can miss me with that therapy bullshit.  You’re out here acting like a fucking idiot because some skinny little white girl opened her legs for you.  Well guess what?  Them legs been opened for everybody she’s ever met.  She’ll use your ass up and then dump you just like she does everyone else.  You ain’t special!   And if you think you are, you’re dumb as fuck!”

Cynthia gritted her teeth, her patience wearing dangerously thin.  She knew that Lena was upset.  She could give her the space to be upset and to even be a bit nasty.  But she was not going to stand there and be a punching bag.

“And you know this how?” Cynthia asked, her voice hard as steel.  “How do you know Ari’s intentions and feelings?  Oh, that’s right.  ‘Game recognize game.’  That’s what you said, isn’t it?”

Lena stared at her, nostrils flared and shoulders tense.

“So, is that how you feel about me then?” Cynthia asked.  “That I’m not special to you?  That you’ll use me until you’re done with me?  That I’m a dime a dozen?”

“Don’t turn this back around on me,” Lena said, her voice low and dangerous.

“You turned this on you,” Cynthia reminded her.  “You’re projecting.”

“I said stop with the therapy bullshit. You don’t know shit about what I’m feeling.”

“Then tell me!” Cynthia screamed, her composure slipping for a moment. “That’s part of the problem!  You don’t talk about your feelings.  You don’t open up.  I’m standing right here, willing to listen. Tell me!”

For a moment, Lena's anger seemed to falter. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, and her lower lip trembled.  But just as quickly, the vulnerability vanished, replaced by a cold, hard mask.

“If I come outside and that bitch is still on my property, I will punch her in the face.”

With that, she turned and left.  Went upstairs without another word, leaving Cynthia’s nervous system on high alert and her body shaking from all the adrenaline.  She put a hand on her chest to feel her own heartbeat, to slow her breathing.  When she wasn’t quite as shaky anymore, she walked outside and found Ari sitting on the ground.  Wide-eyed and trembling like a leaf.

“I’m sorry,” Ari said immediately. “I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have said that. I just…” She shrugged, on the verge of tears. “I just needed get her back!”

“You certainly accomplished that,” Cynthia said, totally depleted.

She couldn’t even be mad about it. 

Lena had started it. 

Ari had simply finished it.

She sat down next to Ari and held her hand out because she desperately needed that grounding touch.  Ari took it immediately, wrapping their fingers together in a way that almost immediately brought Cynthia’s heart rate down.

They talked a little.  Asked each other if they were okay.  Ari shared her concerns about what this all meant for their relationship.   

“Are we…like, are we breaking up right now?” Ari asked, a look of total panic etched across her pretty face.

God.

Cynthia couldn’t even think about that right now.  Her body was still wound up from the fighting and yelling with Lena.  She still had to go back inside to sleep and they still had the Golden Globes the next day.  It felt like Cynthia would have to corral all her energy just to be in the same space as Lena and not break down.  She didn’t have the mental capacity to even contemplate what it meant for her and Ari.

Breaking up was the last thing she wanted to do.  But at the moment, it felt like maybe that was happening.

“I don’t know,” Cynthia admitted quietly.  “That’s not what I want.  But maybe we should just…put a pause on things.  Just for now.”

It crushed her when Ari turned away to wipe her teary eyes.

“What does that mean to you?” Ari asked.  “Pausing.”

She really, really didn’t have the space for this conversation at the moment…but she also didn’t feel like it was fair to leave Ari hanging.  None of it was Ari’s fault.  Cynthia took the entire blame because she was the one with a girlfriend.  She was the older one, the more mature one.  She was the one who had navigated relationships with women before, and she knew how intense they could be.  She felt like it was her job to protect Ari.  She truly did not want to break up, but she knew they needed some space to let the dust settle. 

For everyone’s sakes.

“It means not sleeping together,” Cynthia finally said, her voice soft and apologetic.  “Leaning more into the friendship side of our relationship than the romantic side.  We both have so much going on in the next few months anyway…maybe this isn’t a bad thing.  Maybe we need a little space to clear our heads and focus on the long-term plans.  Do you know what I mean?”

Ari didn’t say anything.  She just looked down, her lips turned down in the saddest little pout.  Cynthia knew what she was thinking. 

Here we go again. 

“Ari,” Cynthia said gently.  “Baby, are you listening to me?”

“Mmhm.”

“Do you have any thoughts about what I’ve said?”

Ari shook her head. 

“Could you look at me, please?” Cynthia asked.

Ari slowly dragged her gaze up to Cynthia and Cynthia almost forgot every signal in her body that told her they needed to go to their separate corners and cool their jets for a while.  She already felt horrible about hurting Lena.  She didn’t want to hurt Ari, too.

She brought a hand up and stroked Ari’s cheek.

“This isn’t forever, love,” she said, barely above a whisper.  “It’s two months, okay?  That’s going to fly by so quickly because we’re going to be so busy.  We’ll still see each other.  We’ll still talk every day.  And most importantly, I still love you.”  She wiped away a tear.  “I love you, and I want to be with you.  I will be with you.”

Ari just looked at her.

“Okay,” was all she said in return.

When Ari’s car came, Cynthia opened the door for her and they said their goodbyes.  She wanted to kiss her or hug her or something.  Anything to make everything feel less horrible.  But she didn’t, because she didn’t think Ari wanted her to.

When she was back inside, the house was silent. 

The tension from earlier still hung in the air like stale smoke, and Cynthia slowly made her way upstairs.  She was somewhat surprised to find Lena on the bed, looking at her phone, instead of maybe ripping all of Cynthia’s clothes out of the closet and setting them on fire.

“I’m going to sleep in the other room,” she said.

Lena didn’t respond.

And that was how the next day went, too.

They got ready for the Golden Globes without saying a word to each other.  If their glam teams noticed the tension (and honestly, how could they not?), they were kind enough not to mention it.  They rode to the event in silence and immediately parted ways once they were on the carpet.  Cynthia’s heart leapt when she saw Ari and she felt a little buoyed when Ari smiled at her and they took a few pictures together.  Once they were inside, they found Lena already at the table, having switched the name plates so Cynthia was in the middle between her and Ari.

A wise choice after the previous night’s events.

The night was fine.  Cynthia was disappointed she didn’t win, but honestly, her energy was so focused on the invisible string connecting her to the two women on either side of her that she hardly noticed. 

Everyone behaved. 

Lena was neutral.  She even gave Ari a side hug and put on a smile that a stranger might have thought was somewhat real.

Ari hung close to Cynthia the whole night and they were able to sneak in a few hand holds, but Cynthia could tell the vibe had changed.  Where a week earlier, they would have been all over each other and giggling and bright-eyed, the mood was kind of…stiff.  A little awkward.  Nothing like they had been on the press tour.

It was much the same the next night, when they were at an event in New York.  She and Ari presented together in what was supposed to be a kind of slapstick comedy routine.  Ari pulled it off well. Cynthia struggled. 

Cynthia didn’t even get a chance to breathe on her birthday a few days later.  She and Lena had made plans to go to Paris together to celebrate, and she had been looking forward to the little getaway for weeks.  Lena probably wouldn’t have come at all, but the NDAs they had all signed said they were to keep their original plans and they would hold themselves out as a couple, at least through the end of March.

Cynthia worried that what was supposed to be a relaxing time was really just another opportunity to shift between silence and screaming.

“I’ll sleep on the couch,” Lena said, after they were in their suite.

Cynthia let it slide, at first.  After all, it was her birthday and the goal was to relax and celebrate.  But after she settled in and they ate a painfully silent dinner, she just couldn’t take it anymore.

“Can we talk?” she asked.  “Calmly.  Without all the screaming and yelling.”

Lena took a slow sip of her wine, contemplating.

“You’re the birthday girl,” she said.  “If that’s what you want.”

Cynthia almost smiled because that was a lot better than she expected to receive.

“Okay,” she said, her mind racing through all the possibilities of what she might broach first.  She took her time to formulate her thoughts before she spoke again.  “I think it’s really important for you to know and understand that when Ari and I first starting getting closer, it truly was just friendship.  I went into it thinking that I was happy to get along so well with my co-worker.  I was devoted to you.  To us.  I never had any intention of deviating from the picture I had in my head, which has always been of you and me.”

A long silence passed between them.

“So, what changed?” Lena asked.

What a loaded question.

“I don’t know,” Cynthia said.  “Everything, in a way.”

“When I came to London the first time to visit you on set, I could tell back then that she had a crush on you,” Lena said, her eyes finally meeting Cynthia’s.  “Surely, you knew that.”

“I didn’t,” Cynthia said immediately.  “Well, I mean, I suppose I suspected she did.  But I thought it was more of an admiration kind of thing.  Like a sister.  Or maybe even a mum.  I was never expecting it to be sexual or romantic.”

“So, I ask again.  What changed?”

“I don’t know,” Cynthia said again, pleading with her eyes for Lena to believe her.  “How can you pinpoint the moment you fall in love with someone?”

She regretted it the minute she saw the hurt flash in Lena’s eyes, quickly replaced by forced indifference.  

“What do you love about her?” Lena asked, her voice cool and calm like they were talking about what Cynthia loved about her favorite clothes.

It hurt Cynthia to see Lena hurt, and she waved her hand.  “You know what?  This was a bad idea.  We don’t have to talk.”

“No, you wanted to talk,” Lena said.  “You want me to understand.  So make me understand.  What, exactly, do you love about Ariana?”

It was simultaneously a challenge, and a plea.  Lena wanted to know, but she didn’t want Cynthia to know how much she wanted to know.  So she dressed it up like she was just trying to understand the competition.  And she was right.  They were there.  Together.  In a nice hotel.  No distractions, no other people, just to two of them.  Two people had loved each other for several years.  Surely, they could get through this.

“I love her softness,” Cynthia admitted quietly, and she felt the way her lips naturally quirked up at the thought of Ari.  “And her silliness.  And her honesty.  I love her ambition and her work ethic and how determined she is.” 

Lena looked at her, face struggling to remain neutral.  “Go head,” Lena told her. 

More silence, as Cynthia contemplated just how truthful she should be.  She did a lot of mental gymnastics, debating on what to say and how to say it.  But truthfully, how much worse could it get?  Lena and Ari had quite literally almost come to fisticuffs.  Might as well tell the truth.

“I love the way she loves me,” Cynthia said, almost sorry to Lena for how true it was.  “She looks at me like I’m the most gorgeous thing she’s ever laid her eyes on, and she doesn’t care who sees it.  And I’ve never been looked at that way before.”

Lena looked down, jaw flexing every couple of seconds.  “And you think that’s real?”

“I know it is,” Cynthia said, no hesitation.

More silence. 

Longer. 

Heavy.

But somehow, not as uncomfortable.  Lena finished the rest of her wine and propped her elbows on the table, staring Cynthia down.

“What’s left here, Cyn?” Lena asked, in the nicest tone she’d used in days.  “You’re in love with this chick.  You’re fucking her against appliances.”

A laugh caught Cynthia off guard, and she covered her mouth quickly.  But not before Lena also briefly smiled.

“Real talk,” Lena said.  “Why are you even trying to stay with me when you want her?”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No!  It really isn’t.  You and I have built a life together.  It’s very hard to just let that go.  It doesn’t happen overnight.  I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and you’re not a part of my life anymore.  I love you.”

Lena studied her for a long time.  "But you're not in love with me anymore," Lena stated.

It wasn't a question.

It was Cynthia’s turn to study Lena then.  This woman she had been so besotted with before she’d even met her.   She’d thought Lena brilliant and bold and confident.  An excellent writer and an advocate for other queer Black people. She still loved all those things about her.

But it didn’t compare to what she felt for Ari.

“I am definitely not in love with this,” she responded, gesturing between the two of them.  “The screaming.  The hypocrisy.  The name-calling.”

“When did I call you names?”

“You’ve called me an idiot and dumb several times over the past week,” Cynthia reminded her.

Lena had the good sense to look ashamed.

“I don’t want to be talked to like that.  I don’t care how mad you are,” Cynthia told her. 

She didn’t add what she was thinking: Ari would never talk to me like that.

“I won’t say anything like that again,” Lena promised.

“Good.  Because that’s not okay.”

“Heard.”

They looked at each other.  Former lovers trying to figure out next steps.

“So what now?” Lena asked.  “What are we now?”

It was so similar to what Ari had asked after the big fight.  Are we together?  Are we broken up?  And Cynthia’s head was still too cluttered.  What she didn’t want to do was make a choice about either of them, when she couldn’t give her whole thought to anything other than surviving the awards season.

“I don’t have a clear answer for that,” she finally said.  “There’s so much going on right now.  You matter to me.  Ari matters to me.  I want to do the best thing for all of us, but I can’t do that under pressure or when I feel like my head and heart are being pulled in twenty different directions.  Can you give me some space to figure it out?  And we’ll revisit it after the Oscars, when we’ve all had a little time to breathe.”

Lena made a face like that was not the answer she wanted, but she nodded.

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Cynthia said, with a decisive nod.  “Thank you.  I’m glad we could talk calmly.”

“Can I ask a clarifying question?”

Cynthia raised a wary eyebrow.  “…okay.”

“Are you taking space from Ari as well?”

Cynthia almost balked.  The last thing she wanted to talk about was what she was doing with Ari.  But the fact was they were all intertwined for the time being, and maybe, it would calm Lena’s ass down.

“Yes,” she said.  “I am.”

Lena didn’t even try to hide the satisfied smirk.  “Good.”

It rubbed Cynthia the wrong way, but she didn’t feel like it was worth fighting about, especially after they were finally able to have a discussion that didn’t end in raised voices. The relief of getting through the conversation unscathed released some tension she was holding, and suddenly, she felt very tired.

“I’m going to call it a night,” she said, as she stood.

Lena stood too and there was an awkward moment where neither was entirely sure what to do next.  Lena opened her arms, though, and Cynthia stepped into them.  They hugged, not as easily and comfortably as they used to, but not the worst thing, either.

“Happy birthday,” Len said in her ear.

Cynthia thanked her and then removed herself from the hug.  She was on autopilot through her shower and night routine.  She snuggled underneath the covers, hoping her sleepy time tea would ease her into sleep, when Lena knocked on the door and poked her head in.

The happy smirk she’d worn earlier was gone.

“Something delivered for you,” she said, before closing the door again.

Cynthia didn’t quite know what to expect, and she wasn’t sure what to make of it when she went out to the main area and found an ornately-wrapped box and a card on the kitchen counter.  She carried it back to the bedroom and sat on the bed, taking her time to unwrap it.  Her hands flew to her mouth when she found a box of astronomically expensive tea.  Tea she had talked about with Ari during many of their late-night conversations, in person and over the phone.  She went to the card and found a handwritten note in Ari’s scrawl.

My dearest, darlingest Cynthia,

Happy Birthday to the most amazing human I have ever met.

I hope you enjoy.

Love always, forever, and eternally,

Ari

The tears were immediate.  They had just seen each other a day before, and yet it felt like forever.  And the sweet note…ugh.

Cynthia grabbed her phone and texted Ari.

Thank you so much for this beautiful gift and the beautiful note.

Ari responded with: I wasn’t sure if I should still send it.  I don’t understand what a “pause” is, but it didn’t pause my feelings.

Cynthia smiled through her happy tears.  It didn’t pause mine, either.

Cynthia typed a bunch of stuff and erased it.

Ari typed a bunch of stuff and erased it.

Cynthia stared at her screen and settled on the simplest truth.  I miss you.  I love you so much.  I wish you were here.

Ari’s response was immediate.

53 days.

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which there is one more promise

28 days.

Cynthia smiled when she read the text.

For the past month or so, the first thing she saw on her phone every morning was a countdown text from Ari.  A countdown to when all the madness of awards season would end.  A countdown to when they could sit down and quietly evaluate where their relationship was going.  Because at the moment, Cynthia’s life was a whirlwind.

She was in a different city on an almost daily basis.  She was doing every interview, talk show, photo shoot, panel, and podcast that anyone threw at her.  She was reading scripts and signing on for new movies, working on the final touches for her album, and generally striking while the iron was exceedingly hot.

Things with Lena had settled into a rhythm.  Cynthia still slept in a different room when she was home and they didn’t communicate much outside of what was absolutely necessary.  But Lena showed up to all the events and played her part.  It was cordial.  It was fine. 

She supposed it was better than being alone, even though the person her heart really ached for was Ari, and she had barely seen her at all.  They talked every day.  Texted and left voices.  Ari sat on FaceTime throughout every single one of Cynthia’s marathon nail sessions.  It was leaps and bounds better than their last breakup, but it still left a hole in Cynthia’s heart. 

So the texts were a very welcome reminder that their state of limbo wouldn’t last forever.

I can’t wait to see you perform tonight.  The Grammys don’t deserve you.

Cynthia smiled and texted back: I wish you were going with me.

Ari’s response was, I’ll be there in spirit!  And I’ll be screaming at my TV!

They continued to text throughout the morning and afternoon, even as Cynthia was glammed up and she and Lena were driven to the event.  Cynthia felt the usual combination of excitement and nerves that she always felt before a big performance.  But there was something else too.  Something she couldn’t quite put her finger on.  The feeling only grew when she stepped onto the red carpet to do interviews before the show began. 

The first clue as to what that something might be came when one interviewer asked her where Ari was and then called them a “beautiful couple.”  Cynthia could hardly get through an interview or off the carpet without every person she encountered asking if Ari would be there, where Ari was, and if Ari was going to watch her perform.

When Cynthia finally made it inside and had to scramble to find a seat as the show began, the strangeness only grew.  She felt people staring at her, which wasn’t altogether unfamiliar.  After all, the bald head and no eyebrows and millions of piercings usually drew people’s attention.  But that kind of attention, she used to.  This was a type of curiosity that seemed to linger around her like a fog, and it was throwing her off.

When she was able to slither out of the seat that Taylor Swift had let her share and she got in her actual seat next to Lena, she still felt eyes on her, and it was starting to make her paranoid.  Was there something on her face?  Was there something wrong with her dress?  She was in a room full of her colleagues: megastars she respected and admired and some of whom she really wanted to collaborate with, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was the center of attention.

She was put out of her misery when one of those colleagues, a person she might call a friend in the right circumstances, approached her during a commercial break with wide open arms and a huge smile.

“Cynthia!  Oh my God!  Hey, superstar!” she said.

Cynthia hugged her and tried to accept the compliment.  “Hi, yourself.  It’s so great to see you.”

“You too!  Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re a step away from an EGOT!  You have just blown up this year.  And Wicked…girl.  I cried!  I cried almost as much as you and Ari on that crazy ass press tour!”

Cynthia’s heart fluttered a little at the mention of Ari, but she nodded and gracefully said “thank you,” as she had gotten used to doing whenever someone went on and on about how great Wicked was.

“Speaking of Ari,” the woman said, looking around conspiratorially.  She leaned in close to Cynthia and whispered, “where is your little girlfriend?”

Cynthia’s eyes widened and her heart stopped.  “My…my what?”

“Ariana, girl,” the woman said, giving her a little playful hit like she should know better.

“Oh, um, well, you know…the Grammys aren’t really her thing.”

“I mean, yeah, I know that, but I’m surprised she’s not here to lick the sweat off your face after your performance,” the woman laughed.  “That girl has it bad for you!”

Cynthia just stared, open-mouthed.  Before she could even formulate a response, the woman leaned in close again.

“Are you and Lena still together?” she whispered.  “Do you guys have like an open thing or what?”

“What?” Cynthia asked, because she couldn’t think of a better response.

“I think we all kind of thought you two had broken up.  You know, with the way you and Ari act.  It’s very…”  She waved her hand up and down like a teetering table.  “Suspect.”

Panic seized Cynthia’s body.  All she could think about was McKenzie and their NDAs and God, were she and Ari really that obvious? 

“Ari and I are just friends,” she said automatically, a line she had been rehearsing for months.  “And yes, Lena and I are still together.  Everything’s fine.  Just doing what we can to promote the movie.”

The woman lifted a suspicious eyebrow at Cynthia and said, “mmm.  Okay, girl, if you say so.  Anyway, good luck tonight.  I’m rooting for you to win that Oscar.  Bring it home for us.”

She gave Cynthia another hug and an air kiss and went about her way, leaving Cynthia shaky and uncertain.  Lord, if she thought Cynthia and Ari were together, surely other people did, too.  And that very likely extended to the Oscar voters.  There was no telling how some of the old-school, stick-in-the-mud, probably racist and sexist and homophobic Oscar voters would feel about voting for an out queer Black woman that they suspected was banging her pop star white co-star.

Jesus.

She was getting a headache.

“I’m going to kiss you,” Cynthia said out of the side of her mouth to Lena.  “Don’t act surprised.”

Lena didn’t get the memo, because she did act surprised when Cynthia leaned up, gingerly took her face in her hands, and very softly kissed her.  Lena looked so stunned, in fact, that she didn’t even try to kiss back or hold Cynthia in place.  It was over before it began and then Cynthia mingled a bit more.  When they were back in their seats and the cameras were on again, Lena leaned over.

“What was that for?” she whispered.

“People are talking,” Cynthia whispered back.  “We need to look like we at least like each other.”

Lena considered her for a second, and then offered her hand.  Cynthia took it and smiled, completely for the benefit of the people around them.  She continued to text Ari and send her pictures until it was time for her performance, which went off without a hitch.  She channeled all of her nervous energy into her music.  She poured her heart and soul into every note, every lyric, letting the melody carry her away from her worries.  For those few minutes on stage, she was free.

The applause was thunderous as she finished. Breathless and exhilarated, she made her way backstage, only to be greeted by a sea of people screaming and jumping up and down for her.  It was overwhelming in the best possible way.  When she was able to look at her phone again, she had a bunch of texts from Ari:

You were INCREDIBLE! I'm so proud of you! Wish I could give you a big hug right now!

OMG wish you could hear the way I’m screaming!

You made me cry!!!

How are you so gorgeous???

Your voice sounds like warm butter on a hot piece of bread

That last one made Cynthia’s head back fall in laughter, and the giddiness of her performance and Ari’s crazy texts carried her on a cloud for the rest of the night. 

At the after-parties, she hung closely to Lena in an effort to dispel the rumors and interest that everyone clearly had in her and Ari.  She kept her arm looped in Lena’s all night.  She made a point to hold her hand a few times.  She even managed to squeeze in a few cheek kisses.

Apparently, none of that mattered.

She lost count of how many people completely bypassed Lena’s presence and instead asked her where Ari was.  Someone even said, “it’s so weird to see you without Ariana!  You guys are like a package deal these days!”

When the night finally ended and she back home, securely under the blankets in the guest bedroom, she FaceTimed Ari.

“You were so amazing,” Ari gushed, her brown eyes bright with glee. 

“Thank you, darling,” Cynthia said.  “Everyone asked about you.”

“They did?”

“Yes.  And when I say everyone, I mean everyone.  I literally didn’t have a single conversation all night without someone asking where my sidekick was.”

“Not your sidekick,” Ari laughed.  “I mean, that’s fair, though.  I’m definitely the Robin to your Batman.”

“Sidekick.  Little friend.  Partner in crime,” Cynthia said, listing off all the ways people had described Ari.  “Girlfriend.  Someone even said wife.”

“They did not,” Ari laughed.

“They did.  With Lena standing right there.”

“Oooh,” Ari grinned.  “I like girlfriend, but I really like wife.”

“I thought you might.”

Ari’s big shit-eating grin softened into a sweet smile as comfortable silence fell between them.

“Did that make you feel weird?” she asked.  “People asking you about me?”

“Not weird,” Cynthia said.  “Surprised, maybe.”

Ari fluffed her pillow and turned on her side as she asked, “why are you surprised?  We’ve been joined at the hip for months.”

“No, I know.  It’s not that.  I think I’m surprised at how okay with it people seem to be.”

Ari watched her for a moment.  “Is that something you were worried about?  That people wouldn’t accept us being together?”

“No.”  But then she thought about it and amended her answer to, “maybe.”

“Hmm.  Well, I guess we’ll know for sure how people feel about it in about 28 days, right?”

Cynthia smiled.  “Yes.  Just one more month, love.”

“I’m seriously counting down the seconds.”

They stayed on the phone until Cynthia couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore.  She slept well, and when she woke up, she expected to see a message that said “27 days.”

Only, there was no message.

It was early, though, so Cynthia didn’t worry.  She got up and worked out a bit.  Had a smoothie.  Got ready for the craziness of the day.  She didn’t think too much of not getting the morning text, until the morning became afternoon, and she still hadn’t heard from Ari.

Strange.

So Cynthia took the initiative and texted Ari instead.

27 days, love.

No response.

In fact, the entire day went by and Ari didn’t respond or call or FaceTime or leave a voice note.  Mild concern turned into outright panic and Cynthia called her, only to have the phone ring a few times before going to voicemail.

“Hey, baby, I’m checking on you.  I didn’t get a text from you this morning, and I haven’t heard from you all day.  Are you okay?  Are you busy?  Could you let me know you’re alright?  I’m starting to get a little worried.  I love you.  Call me later.”

No response to that, either.

When night fell and she still had not heard a peep from her, Cynthia was officially concerned.  She called Frankie.

“Hey, girlfriend,” he sang as soon as he answered.

“Have you heard from Ari today?”

“Uhhh…mmmm…no?  I don’t think so.”

“I can’t get in touch with her, and I’m worried.”

“Oh,” Frankie said, his usual jovial tone suddenly serious.  “Okay, let me see if I can reach her and I’ll call you back.”

“Okay, thank you.”

Cynthia paced around the living room, clutching her phone like she was waiting to hear back about a particularly worrisome test result, when Frankie called back after about ten minutes.

“Is she okay?” Cynthia asked, skipping right over the “hello” part.

“Well, she’s alive.”

“What the hell do you mean by that?  Is she hurt or something?  Why isn’t she answering any of my messages?”

He was quiet for a moment and then said, “I just texted you a link.”

Cynthia pulled the phone away from her ear and frantically went to the message Frankie had sent.  It was a Twitter link, and when she clicked on it, it was a grainy phone video someone had taken at the Grammys.  She was confused at first, but then her heart sank when she saw it.

The video had captured the moment she’d kissed Lena.

“Fuck,” she said.

“Yeaaah,” Frankie said.

“It’s not what it looks like,” she said, cringing as the words left her mouth.

“I’m probably not the one you should be explaining that to.”

Cynthia sighed, a headache beginning to pound behind her eyes.  “How mad is she?”

“Not mad.  Hurt.”

And that was much, much worse.

“God,” she sighed.  “Okay.  Thanks.”

“I feel like this is the part where I say ‘if you break my sister’s heart, I’ll have to kill you.’  I thought that was implied, but I’m saying it for sure right now.”

Cynthia appreciated the attempt at humor, but it wasn’t helping at the moment.

“Right, yeah, got it.”

“My advice: grovel.   Bye!”

Frankie hung up and Cynthia collapsed onto the couch and watched the video again.  Objectively, it wasn’t that bad.  It wasn’t like they had made out or anything.  It looked tender and sweet, which was exactly what Cynthia had wanted people to think.

She just didn’t want Ari to be one of those people.

She went to their text thread, where her messages throughout the day had become increasingly more frantic.

I just talked to Frankie.  I know you’re upset.  I promise you, there is absolutely nothing going on.  I know how it must look, but I only kissed her because people were asking about you and me constantly and I suppose I panicked and I wanted them to think Lena and I were still fine.  I promise you that’s all it was.

She kept the thread open and her heart leapt when she saw the three little dots that indicated Ari was typing.

Is this why you wanted to “pause”?  So you could still be with her?

Cynthia’s response was immediate: No.

Are you sleeping with her?

NO.  We’re not even sleeping in the same bed.

Ari’s text bubbles appeared and disappeared and appeared and disappeared.  When she finally responded, all it said was: ok.

Fuck.  This was worse than being yelled at.

Cynthia wanted to call her or leave a voice note or keep texting, but she knew that when Ari was hurt, it was best to let her be in her feelings until she was out of them.

The next few days were torturous because every time Cynthia communicated with Ari, Ari was short with her. One-word responses.  Unanswered FaceTime calls.  Voice notes heard and kept but not responded to.

Cynthia was so desperate to get out of the doghouse that the next time they finally saw each other in person at a dinner event for the movie, she was the one all over Ari instead of the other way around.  She laughed at everything Ari said like it was the funniest shit she’d ever heard.  She made a point to hold Ari’s hand and be in her personal space as much as possible. 

The next night when they were at a SAG screening event and panel, she turned it up even more.  She barely heard anything anyone was saying because she was too busy looking at Ari.  She touched her at every opportunity.  At one point, she damn near fell out of her chair leaning over into Ari’s space, and she finally got some attention back when Ari rested her head in Cynthia’s neck and got dangerously close to nuzzling her.  In public.

“Are you still upset with me?” Cynthia asked, once they were off stage and had a moment to themselves.

“No,” Ari said with a little shrug, followed by a cough.  She’d been coughing all night, and Cynthia’s protective instincts kicked in.

“Have you been taking medicine?  Do you want me to come over and make you some tea?”

“I’m fine,” Ari said, her tone clipped and not at all like the warmth Cynthia was so used to.  “I’m sure Ethan can figure out how to make me tea.”

Jealousy flared in Cynthia’s veins, and she could tell from the flippant way she’s said it that that was exactly Ari’s intention.  She took Ari’s hands and was a little surprised when Ari didn’t pull away.

“It didn’t mean anything,” she promised lowly.  “I’m sorry I kissed her.  I promise you, it was just to throw the heat off of us.”

“Okay.”

“How long are you going to punish me?”

“I’m not punishing you.”

“You are!” Cynthia said, and she was surprised by how much she sounded like she was whining.  “You’re barely talking to me or answering my messages.  I miss you so much.  I can’t stand for you to be upset with me.  Tell me what I can do to make you stop looking at me like that.”

Ari’s eyes softened just a smidge, but before they could make any other progress, Ethan showed up looking like a unhoused puppy in search of its owner.

“Ari, you ready?” he asked, even though he could clearly see that she was not ready and was engaged in conversation with Cynthia.

Cynthia had never wanted to hit a man so badly.

“Yeah,” Ari said, without turning in his direction. 

She gave Cynthia’s hands a light squeeze, and then she left.  With him.  Didn’t even turn around.

The next several days were similarly distant.  Ari did a little better about returning voice notes and answering FaceTimes, but the cold energy was very much still in place.  It didn’t help that they had to be separated in public like two kindergartners who couldn’t stop talking in class.  Lena sat between them at the BAFTAs and loomed like a sentinel any time they were within arm’s reach of each other.

It was maddening.

Cynthia was so relieved when their Japan trip came up because at least Lena and Ethan wouldn’t be there.  And to her delight, that did seem to make a difference.  Ari still wasn’t her usual touchy-feely, say-whatever-is-on-her-mind-no-matter-how-unhinged self, but she held Cynthia’s hands at event and sat close to her during interviews.  She called her at night, even through their hotel rooms were right next to each other. She also went to dinner with Cynthia and Capri and seemed to finally, finally let her guard down.

But it wasn’t until the last night of Cynthia’s time in Japan that Cynthia actually broke through the ice wall Ari had erected between them.

“You look comfy,” Cynthia said as they FaceTimed each other from their respective beds.

Ari smiled, her eyes hidden behind big glasses and her small frame swallowed up in a faded old T-shirt.  “I am comfy.”

“You look like you need to be snuggled.”

There was a long pause before Ari said, “that would be nice.”

Cynthia’s whole body perked up and asked, “yeah?”

Ari bit her lip.  “Yeah.”  Another pause.  “Just to sleep, right?”

“Of course.  Just to sleep,” Cynthia said.

She meant not nary a word of that, but she was going to say whatever she had to say to get back into Ari’s good graces.

“Well, then…what are you waiting for?”

Cynthia ended the call and jumped out of her bed like wild dogs were chasing her out of the room.  She ran to Ari’s room but then took a second to catch her breath and compose herself before she knocked on the door.  Ari opened it, looking so sexy and adorable that Cynthia had to refrain from immediately pushing her against a wall and having her way with her.

“Hi,” Ari said, almost shy.

“Are you going to let me in?”

Ari stepped aside, allowing Cynthia to enter. As the door clicked shut behind them, an electric tension filled the air. They stood facing each other, neither making a move.

"I've missed you," Cynthia said softly, her eyes searching Ari's face.

Ari's shoulders relaxed slightly. "I've missed you too."

Cynthia took a tentative step forward. "Can I hold you?"

Ari nodded, and Cynthia closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around Ari. Ari melted into the embrace, burying her face in Cynthia's neck while Cynthia did the same to her.  Cynthia inhaled her, her body finally relaxing after weeks of go go go. They stood like that for several long moments, swaying gently.

"I'm sorry," Cynthia murmured into Ari's hair. "I never meant to hurt you."

Ari pulled back just enough to look at her. “I know.  But you did hurt me.”

“I’m so sorry, love. Truly. I swear to you, I only want you. Can you forgive me?”

“Yes.” Ari ran her thumb underneath Cynthia’s chin. “But next time, find another way to convince people.”

“I will, I promise.”

Ari nodded once, like that was the right answer, and she took Cynthia’s hand and led her to the bed.  Ari took her glasses off and lay them on the table next to the bed. They crawled under the covers, limbs intertwining as they lay on their sides, facing each other. Cynthia dragged her nails up and down Ari’s arms, and Ari shivered a little.

“I really missed you,” she whispered against Cynthia’s lips.

Cynthia’s heart thudded and her hand slipped down to Ari’s waist, still covered by the T-shirt.

“I really missed you, too.”

They lay in comfortable silence for a while, simply basking in each other's presence. And then Ari brushed her lips against Cynthia’s, and Cynthia couldn’t contain the tiny moan that escaped her lips. Then Ari kissed her once.  So softly.  Barely there.  But enough to send a pulse of electricity between Cynthia’s legs.

“I thought you wanted to just sleep,” Cynthia whispered, even as her hands clutched Ari’s waist.

Ari’s hand slid around to Cynthia’s, and she led Cynthia’s hand underneath her shirt. Cynthia’s eyes widened when her fingers landed on Ari’s ass.

Her bare, underwear-free ass.

“I lied,” Ari said.

And then she kissed Cynthia the way they both wanted her to.

Cynthia's fingers dug into the soft flesh of Ari's butt as their kiss deepened.  Weeks of tension and longing poured out as their bodies pressed closer, hands roaming urgently. Ari whimpered softly when Cynthia's thigh slipped between her legs, and Cynthia flexed her thigh.

“Fuck,” Ari whispered, as she returned the move and thrust down, smearing her wetness on Cynthia’s skin.

"God, I've missed you," Cynthia breathed, trailing kisses along Ari's jaw.

Ari rolled herself on top of Cynthia, baring her neck so Cynthia could kiss and bite her more.  Cynthia gladly took the invitation, running her tongue up and down Ari’s soft skin and reveling in the breathy sighs and moans it produced, while her hands skated up and down Ari’s back.  She grabbed the hem of the shirt and pulled it up, and Ari removed herself just enough to yank the shirt over her head and toss it to the side.

Cynthia's breath caught as she took in Ari's naked form above her.  She squeezed her thighs together as best she could given their position, while her hands roamed reverently over Ari’s body.  Ari gazed down at her with hooded eyes, a small smile playing on her lips.

“Your turn,” Ari said.

Cynthia obediently lifted her arms and Ari pulled her shirt off for her, before lowering herself so that they were skin to skin.  They both moaned and found each other’s mouths again, kissing each other hungrily to make up for all the lost time.

Cynthia kissed her way down Ari’s neck, nipping and sucking the whole way.  She bit down on the spot that joined her neck and shoulder, and Ari’s moans only made her bite harder.  She wanted to mark her so badly, but they had too many events coming up to do it in such an obvious place.  So she scooted down, kissing and sucking a line down Ari’s chest, before finally sucking a mark onto her stomach.

“Shit,” Ari groaned.

Cynthia’s brain was overcome by lust and she couldn’t think of anything else when she smelled how wet Ari was for her.  She maneuvered herself back up to Ari’s lips and whispered, “sit on my face.”

Ari immediately hopped to it.

She scrambled up while Cynthia slid down, and then she bracketed Cynthia’s head with her thighs.  Cynthia wrapped her hands around those thighs, bringing Ari’s center right to her face.  She took a deep inhale and groaned.

“You smell so fucking good,” she growled.  “Put that pretty pussy on my mouth.”

Ari whimpered and lowered herself onto Cynthia’s eagerly-awaiting lips.  At the first swipe of Cynthia's tongue, they both let out a guttural moan, and Ari’s hands flew to grip the headboard for support.  Cynthia devoured her, practically unhinging her jaw to get as much of Ari in her mouth as possible.  She licked her up and down, sucked her clit, fucked her with her tongue. 

“Baby, fuck!” Ari screamed.  Her hips began to rock, grinding down onto Cynthia's face as she chased her pleasure.  “God, your tongue feels sooo good.”

“Mmm,” Cynthia hummed, which only made Ari moan louder.  She lost herself in it, not thinking about anything and just letting her body take over.  She knew exactly where to stroke her tongue, where to kiss, where to suck, to drive Ari crazy.  She was fully prepared to send Ari into a screaming orgasm when suddenly, and very much unwantedly, Ari lifted her hips and removed herself from Cynthia’s hungry mouth.

“What…” Cynthia started.

But then her eyes widened and her arousal increased when Ari turned herself around, lowering herself again, this time in reverse.  The new angle gave Cynthia the leverage to get her tongue even deeper, and that’s exactly what she did.

“Ugh, baby!” Ari moaned, before she returned the favor.  She ripped Cynthia's shorts off, grabbed her thighs and pushed them apart, and the minute her mouth was on Cynthia, they moaned in unison.  They fell into a passionate rhythm, each woman spurring the other on with increasingly enthusiastic licks and sucks.  Cynthia thrust her hips up into Ari’s face at the same time that Ari ground down onto Cynthia’s tongue, and Cynthia’s arms wrapped tightly around Ari’s hips.

“God, you eat me so good,” Ari whimpered, her hips starting to take on a frantic rhythm against Cynthia’s tongue and face.

“Mmm, so well,” Cynthia said with a little smirk, her words muffled against Ari’s lower lips.  Because she just couldn’t help herself.

The smirk got wiped off when Ari’s fingers slid up and down her slit, and then entered her while Ari sucked her clit.

“Mmmmm!” Cynthia moaned, picking up her own pace.  Ari flicked her tongue on Cynthia’s clit faster and harder, matching the timing of her fingers, and Cynthia returned the favor by tonguing Ari down at the same pace.

Cynthia was almost overwhelmed by the double sensation of pleasuring Ari, which she loved, and of Ari pleasuring her, which she loved just as much.  Her hips worked up with a mind of their own, chasing Ari’s hot mouth and perfect fingers, at the same time that Cynthia tried to concentrate on fucking Ari into oblivion.   She wrapped her arms even tighter around Ari’s hips, almost suffocating herself in the process, and she felt Ari start to flutter around her tongue.

"Oh God, I'm gonna come," Ari cried out, her thighs trembling around Cynthia's head. 

Cynthia hummed in response, her own body teetering on the edge of orgasm.  She was desperate for it, and the tension in her body after weeks of being apart from Ari both physically and emotionally only made the build-up more intense.  Ari’s fingers kept working inside her, curling in just the right way and hitting her spot over and over.  Cynthia managed to stave off her own climax to make sure Ari got hers first, pouring all her love and attention into the task at hand.

"Oh fuck, Cynthia!" Ari cried out, her hips bucking wildly.  “Baby!  I’m coming!” 

She came with a strangled cry, her inner walls clenching rhythmically around Cynthia's tongue.  She had abandoned Cynthia’s clit with all the screaming, but her fingers still worked in and out, hitting a spot that was driving Cynthia crazy. 

Every thrust ratcheted up the pressure, higher and higher and more intense until Cynthia felt like she might burst.  She pulled her mouth away from Ari to moan, and her moans turned into pleas.

“Baby, baby, baby,” she chanted, hips canting up with every word.  “Ari, fuck!  Please.  I’m gonna…I’m gonna..”  She got closer and closer and closer, and when the moment came, for reasons she couldn’t understand when she said it, she screamed, “take them out!  Take them out!”

The minute Ari pulled her fingers out, it was like popping the cork on a champagne bottle.  Warm wetness gushed from Cynthia, and her eyes rolled into the back of her head.  Her body convulsed as pleasure burst from her in uncontrollable spurts.  She couldn’t talk or even make a sound; she just lay there, open-mouthed, completely overcome by the intensity of her orgasm.  She felt like she was floating, the kind of euphoria she usually only experienced when she was performing on stage.

When the tremors finally subsided, Cynthia lay panting and boneless on the bed.

“Oh, Cyn,” Ari said, her voice a mixture of awe and arousal.

She delicately removed herself from Cynthia’s grip, which kind of knocked Cynthia out of her stupor.  She managed to look down and saw both the huge wet spot on the bed and the shocked expression on Ari’s face.  If she had been with anyone else, Cynthia might have been embarrassed. With Ari, though, all she felt was more turned on.

“Baby,” Ari whispered as lay on her stomach and positioned herself between Cynthia’s legs.  “Have you ever done that before?”

Cynthia had not regained the ability to form words, so she just shook her head.

“Did it feel good?” Ari asked, even though the smile on her face told Cynthia she already knew the answer to that.

Cynthia nodded, and her heart rate picked up when Ari’s eyes fell to the wet spot on the sheets.  She dragged her gaze back up to Cynthia, mischief sparkling in her eyes.

“Can I taste it?” she whispered.

Cynthia nodded eagerly, but instead of Ari tasting her, Ari dragged her tongue along the wet spot on the sheet, moaning obscenely.  Cynthia’s eyes fell shut and her body tingled like Ari’s tongue was on her.

“Uh-uh,” Ari groaned. “Open your eyes. Look at me.”

Cynthia forced her eyes open just in time to see Ari’s tongue slide from the wet sheets to in between Cynthia’s thighs, and she moaned.

“God, you taste good,” Ari breathed. 

She held Cynthia’s thighs open with her hands while she slid her tongue up and down Cynthia’s slit, making Cynthia whimper like a needy puppy.

Ari's tongue swirled around Cynthia's sensitive clit, eliciting a gasp. She lapped at Cynthia's folds, her eyes never once leaving Cynthia’s. Cynthia's hips rocked gently, chasing that world-ending feeling she had just experienced.

"Ari," she breathed, her fingers tangling in Ari's hair.

Ari hummed in response, the vibrations sending shivers through Cynthia's body. She sucked Cynthia's clit between her lips, flicking it with her tongue. Cynthia's back arched off the bed.

"Oh God," she moaned. "Don't stop."

Ari doubled her efforts, her tongue moving faster as Cynthia's breathing grew ragged. Cynthia felt that pressure building again, and Ari knew it.

“You gonna come for me again?” she asked as she brought her fingers up to tease Cynthia’s entrance. “You gonna make a mess all over my face?”

“Fuck,” Cynthia cried, her hips taking on a life of their own. She dared to close her eyes, but yelped and yanked them back open when Ari detoured from her pussy and bit her thigh.

“I want your eyes on me,” Ari directed.

It was a struggle but Cynthia did as she was told. She kept her heavily-lidded eyes zeroed in on Ari, even as the pleasure Ari built up inside her got stronger and stronger and that bubble of pressure got bigger and bigger. She almost gave in and closed her eyes again when Ari slid her fingers inside and hooked them just the right way, but she fought the feeling and kept their gaze intact.  The pleasure kept building and building, until she was moaning and pushing herself further and further into Ari’s mouth and fingers.

“Ari, baby,” she pleaded.  “I’m…I’m…I’m gonna…”

“Mmmhmm,” Ari moaned against her.  She encouraged her with her eyes, and when Cynthia felt that same near explosive feeling coming, her hands flew to Ari’s head and she tried to pull her off.

“Babe, fuck!” she cried.  “I’m…I’m…move!”

Ari pulled her fingers out just like last time.

But unlike last time, she quickly replaced them with her open mouth.

And when Cynthia exploded and her orgasm burst out of her in hot waves, Ari was there to catch it.  Their eyes stayed lock on each other as Cynthia screamed and squirted into Ari’s mouth, unable to stop even if she wanted to.  And she really didn’t want to.  Ari moaned and nodded without ever extracting her mouth, and Cynthia’s legs and body trembled with the sheer force of her release.  When she finally stopped coming, Ari closed her mouth and swallowed.

Every.  Last.  Drop.

“Fuuuuuck,” Cynthia cried, finally letting her head fall back.

She felt Ari kiss her thighs, then her stomach, then her breasts, until she was hovering over Cynthia’s prone body with the smuggest smile anyone had ever worn.  She leaned down and kissed Cynthia, and Cynthia sighed at the taste of herself all over Ari’s lips and tongue.  She felt completely ravaged, her walls completely down and her heart completely open.  She wrapped her arms and legs around Ari like a koala, nuzzling Ari’s soft skin and kissing every inch she encountered.

“I love you,” she whispered.  “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Ari smiled lazily and pulled away just enough to take Cynthia’s face in her hands.

“I love you, too,” she said.  “And I want you to do me a favor.”

Cynthia was so gone, so high on love and lust and wanting and needing, that she would have agreed to anything at that moment.  If Ari had asked her to go downstairs butt naked to retrieve some cereal, she would have done it.  If Ari had asked her to start an IG live of the two of them naked in bed, she would have done it.

“Anything,” she said, and she very much meant it.

Ari pressed a soft kiss to her lips, still smug but her voice was deadly serious when she spoke.

“Don’t ever kiss her again.”

Chapter Text

MOMENTS:

In which our girls get sloppy

Despite having two of the most intense orgasms of her life, Cynthia was in a stupendously bad mood.

It started the moment she had to extract herself from Ari’s warm embrace at the ass-crack of dawn.  Ari, who looked like an angel and definitely not like the hellion she actually was.  Ari, who whimpered and squeezed Cynthia tightly to try to prevent her from moving.  Ari, the woman it was getting harder and harder to leave.

Cynthia was surly with her team as they whisked her away to the airport.  She was even short with the flight attendants: something that was completely unlike her.  She knew she was being a diva but for some reason, she just couldn’t stop herself.  She couldn’t get comfortable on the plane and the little spurts of sleep only made her more irritated.  The minute they landed, she was immediately glammed up and shoved into the spotlight of an awards show where she could barely keep her eyes open. 

It certainly didn’t help that of all times, Lena suddenly decided to act like she was interested in being a caring partner again. 

“You seem pretty out of it,” Lena noted as she drove them home post-awards show.

“Crossing sixteen time zones and immediately stepping onto a red carpet will do that to you,” Cynthia said, snappy and harsh.

Lena hummed, and then she shocked Cynthia by reaching over and taking Cynthia’s hand.  She stroked it the way she used to when they were first together and offered, “do you want me to give you a massage when we get home?  You love my massages.”

She threw in a smile for good measure, and it threw Cynthia off so much that she was actually speechless.  Her mind was too fried to do the math of the moment and figure out what Lena’s angle was.  As far as Cynthia knew, they were on the same page on taking space from each other and only being together publicly because they had to be.  Nothing sexual or romantic had happened between them in ages…so what was this?

“I…what?” was all her mangled brain could come up with.

“You look like you could use it.  It might help you sleep.”

“But why are you offering this?”

“Because I love you.”  At Cynthia’s blank face, Lena laughed.  “Come on, Cyn.  I know we’ve been going through it but it’s given me time to think.  I realize I haven’t been showing up for you the way I used to, and I want to change that.”  She squeezed Cynthia’s hand.  “I want us to try again.”

Cynthia just stared at the hand on hers, and all she could think was: this doesn’t feel right. 

It used to. 

She used to love for Lena to take her hand and give her massages and all of her attention.  But now, Lena’s hand felt wrong.  Her skin was soft, her hold secure. 

But it wasn’t Ari’s hand.

She slowly slid her hand out of Lena’s.  “I’m really not in the right head space to think about that right now.  I appreciate it.  Truly.  But I thought we agreed to save this until after the Oscars.”

Lena pressed her lips together and placed her hand back in her own lap, but she didn’t explode or pout.  She blew out a breath and said, “okay.  I just want you to know where my head’s at.  I can wait for you.”

But for some reason, that declaration didn’t actually feel like she was waiting.  It felt like she was pressuring.

Cynthia put it out of her head as best she could.  It was still on her mind the next day at the SAG awards, though, as was her general state of exhaustion.  On the red carpet, she smiled appropriately and answered all the questions.  But she kind of felt like a robot through it all.

Until she saw Ari.

Her heart flip-flopped in her chest at the sight of the little minx, and when they caught eyes, Ari sent her a dazzling smile.  They hadn’t spoken much in the short time they’d been apart, thanks to all the travel on both ends, and Cynthia’s body reacted to Ari like she hadn’t seen her in weeks.  Ari nodded, wordlessly telling Cynthia they would catch up inside, and once Cynthia was done with all the red carpet chatter, she beelined it to the nearest bathroom.  She was only in there for a moment when the door swung open and in walked Ari.  It took everything in her not to run to Ari and collapse in her arms, but they weren’t alone, as other women walked in and out and chatted.

“Hi,” Ari said quietly as she sidled up to Cynthia at a sink.

“Hi,” Cynthia said, with the first real smile she’d had since she’d left Japan.

Ari looked around, taking note of whether anyone was paying attention to them, and she stroked her hand over Cynthia’s.

“I missed you,” she whispered.

Cynthia’s eyes fluttered closed.  Now that hand felt right.  Felt like coming home.

“I missed you, too,” she whispered back.

Her eyes were still closed when Ari’s hand left hers and landed softly on her face, gently cupping her cheek.

“Are you okay?  You look like you might pass out at any minute.”

Cynthia smiled and, without her usual careful thinking, turned and pressed a kiss into Ari’s palm.  “Just tired.”  She opened her eyes and nearly melted at Ari’s loving gaze.  “But I feel better now.”

For a second, everything else faded away, and it was just them.  That was rudely interrupted when someone said, “oh my God, you guys are so cute!  You really act this gay in private too?!  Love that for you!  Glinda and Elphaba better fuck in that second movie or I’m suing!”

She laughed, clearly already drunk, and Ari had the good sense to remove her hand.  She and Cynthia giggled and she interlocked her fingers with Cynthia’s.

“Shall we?”

Cynthia made it through the show somehow, despite feeling tense with Lena on one side and Ari on the other.  It was a balancing act she was growing tired of, and every day only made that clearer.

The next week was a whirlwind of parties and appearances and lunches and brunches.  Cynthia did her best to enjoy them all, but the highlights were definitely the hours here and there that she got to practice her Oscar-opening performance with Ari.  Being with her on stage, singing songs from The Wizard of Oz and the Wiz and Wicked felt like being back in their special place.  Their little bubble of love.

By the time the eve of the Oscars came around, Cynthia was running on fumes.  Not only did she have a million events to attend, but her mom and Capri were in town, so she felt like she had to entertain them, too.  She really just wanted to get in her bed, but she was out with Lena and some friends, being sure to be seen holding Lena’s hand.  She finally cracked when they got in the car.

“I need to go home,” she said.

“But there are still some parties we could go to.”

“I’m singing tomorrow, Lena,” Cynthia reminded her, maybe a tad more harshly than strictly necessary.  “I’m opening the show.  I need to sleep and rest my voice and my body.  If you want to go out, do that.  But please take me home.”

To her surprise, Lena did.  Without argument.  They had barely pulled up to the house before Cynthia was out the door.  She bid good night to her mom and Capri and made her way to the main bedroom that she had agreed to share with Lena just during the family visit.  She didn’t have the energy to explain their situation to her mom. 

That, like everything else, could wait.

She took a long, hot shower and pampered herself before bed.  She drank some tea and climbed underneath the covers, hoping sleep would come easily.  But it didn’t.  Her mind raced, not only because of the performance, but because being back in the bed with Lena felt like being in a foreign land.  Her home didn’t feel like her home anymore.

She slid open her phone and texted Ari.

Are you awake?

The response came quickly.

For you, always.

Cynthia smiled.

I can’t sleep.

Nervous? Ari asked.

Yes.

Me too.

Cynthia’s smile widened.

We could be nervous together, Ari offered.

And Cynthia needed no further provocation.  She slipped out of her room, made sure her mom and Capri were asleep and that Lena hadn’t returned, and she called a car to take her to Ari’s.  Ari had her location, so when Cynthia pulled up, Ari was already at the door, eagerly waiting.  Hair mussed, robe on, but eyes bright and happy.  As soon as Cynthia was within arm’s reach, Ari pulled her inside and shut the door behind her.

Their lips crashed together as Cynthia pressed Ari against the door, ready to lose herself in their embrace.  Ari moaned but then pulled back enough to whisper, “hey, hey, you’re shaking.”

Cynthia looked down at her hands and saw that they were, indeed, shaking.

“Babe, hey,” Ari said, gently lifting Cynthia’s head.  “You’re exhausted.  You need to sleep.”

“But I miss you so much…”

“I know, I miss you, too.  But we have something important to do tomorrow.  Sex can wait.”

Cynthia pouted in a move that was more like Ari than herself, so Ari leaned in and kissed her once.  Twice.  Until Cynthia melted a little. 

“Come on,” Ari said, as she led Cynthia to her bedroom.

Ari shed her robe, revealing nothing but an oversized T-shirt, and Cynthia groaned.

“I sincerely hope you’re wearing underwear or sleep is not going to happen.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Ari said, flashing her devious little dimple.  “Come here, please.”

Cynthia pulled off her hoodie and slid onto the bed and into Ari’s open arms.  Ari was so tiny that she didn’t give the impression of someone who would make a good pillow.  But she was soft.  And she smelled good.  And she hugged Cynthia like she was the most precious thing ever.  She didn’t say a word as she gently scraped her nails over Cynthia’s scalp, and that rhythmic touch was like the best sleep medicine in the world because within minutes, Cynthia was knocked out.

Her alarm went off much too soon after that, waking both of them up while it was still dark outside.  Ari hugged her tightly, as usual.  But unlike usual, Cynthia didn’t move.  She didn’t hop up or tell Ari that she had to go.  She stayed there, letting herself be held.  Ari didn’t rush her, didn’t even ask why she wasn’t moving.  But when another alarm went off fifteen minutes later and she still hadn’t moved, Cynthia finally spoke.

“I don’t want to go,” she whispered.

“Aww, I don’t want you to, either, but we’ll see each other later today.”

Cynthia lifted her head, looked into Ari’s warm eyes, and said, “I don’t mean just today.”  At Ari’s questioning look, she added, “I can’t keep leaving you.”

Ari’s eyes rounded with a mixture of hope and uncertainty.  “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying,” Cynthia started, as she took Ari’s hand and kissed it.  “I want to be with you.  Properly.  I’m the one that keeps breaking us up and making us take pauses, and I don’t want that anymore.  I was in a horrid mood all day after I left you in Japan, and I realize now it’s because I’m tired of doing that.  I’m happy with you.”

Ari’s lips trembled as she smiled.  “I’m happy with you, too.”

Cynthia leaned down to kiss her, and what started as sweet quickly became hot and needy.  Their tongues danced and with her center aligned with Ari’s, Cynthia ground into her.

“Fuck,” Ari breathed into her mouth.

Cynthia’s phone alarm blared again and she groaned against Ari’s lips.  “I should go.”

“Yeah,” Ari moaned, as she worked her hips up to return Cynthia’s thrust. 

But they didn’t stop.  Instead, Ari’s hands slid up the back of Cynthia’s shirt while Cynthia’s lips found the side of Ari’s neck.  The next time the phone went off, Ari growled, “turn that shit off.”

Cynthia removed her lips just long enough to grab her phone, turn off all the alarms, and put it on “do not disturb.” 

In the seconds it took her to do that, Ari yanked her shirt off and revealed that she was, in fact, not wearing undies. Cynthia groaned.

“Naughty girl.”

Ari smiled, that damn dimple at its dimply-est, and Cynthia hurried to shed her clothes, too. She pressed her naked body to Ari’s, and they both sighed in relief. Their hands were everywhere, while they kissed and sucked each other’s lips.

“I need you,” Ari panted, spreading her legs underneath Cynthia's body. Cynthia started to kiss her way down, but Ari stopped her with, “stay up here.”

“But…I didn’t bring Elphie.”

Ari raised her hips, rubbing her center against Cynthia’s in a slow wind.

“So put your pussy on mine,” she whispered.

Had she been with anyone else, Cynthia might have been embarrassed by the sound that came out of her mouth.  But with Ari, she felt free to express her desire openly. Cynthia pressed down, bare skin on bare skin, and both women gasped.

"Oh god," Cynthia breathed, her hips starting to move in a slow, sensual rhythm.

Ari's hands gripped Cynthia's ass, urging her on. "Yes, just like that," she purred.

Their bodies moved together, building up a delicious, teasing friction. Cynthia planted her hands on either side of Ari’s flushed face, gazing down at her. Those bright eyes looked back at her with such adoration that Cynthia felt her heart swell.

"I love you," she whispered.

“I love you, too,” Ari whispered back. Her hands flexed on Cynthia’s ass, pulling her down as close as she could possibly get.

“Fuck, Ari,” Cynthia gasped, her hips moving with more purpose. Ari arched underneath her, matching her rhythm, her nails digging into Cynthia’s skin.

“That’s it, baby, ride me,” Ari moaned, her voice rough and needy. “God, you feel so good.”

Ari’s head fell back, her cheeks flushed and lips parted in ecstasy.  Cynthia couldn’t look away.  Ari was radiant like this: wild and open, every emotion on her face. Cynthia wanted to see her fall apart, so she pushed harder, grinding their bodies together with even more urgency.  Ari responded by wrapping her legs around Cynthia’s waist and working her hips up in tight, desperate circles, not wanting their centers to disconnect for even a moment.  Her body trembled all over and her breathing went ragged.

“Augh, Cyn… you’re gonna make me come,” she said, moaning through every word.  “Don’t stop, don’t stop, please don’t stop.”

Cynthia didn’t stop. She kept her eyes glued to Ari’s face, drinking in every little detail. The way Ari’s lashes fluttered, the way her mouth fell open with every gasp, the way she clung to Cynthia like she was the only person who had ever mattered.

“I want to see this pretty face every morning when I wake up,” Cynthia whispered.

Ari whimpered, “yes.” 

The way their slits slid together felt filthy but oh so damn good.  Cynthia could tell from Ari’s cries that she was so close, one little push from the edge.  So she worked her hips harder and faster and right when it seemed like Ari was going to come, she whispered against Ari’s lips, “and I want to fuck you to sleep every night.”

“Ahhh sssshiiittt,” Ari screamed.  Her whole body arched as she came. Head back.  Mouth open.  Body shaking.  It was enough to send Cynthia straight into her own orgasm.

“Ari!” she cried.  She shuddered against Ari, grinding down hard as pleasure shot from her head to her toes and back up again.

“I can feel you coming,” Ari whimpered, nails digging into Cynthia’s ass in the best kind of way. “Come on my pussy, baby.  Keep coming.”

That did something completely unhinged to Cynthia’s brain. A second orgasm barreled through her before she could even finish the first, her legs shaking with the force of her release.  Finally, her body went limp, collapsing on top of Ari, both of them panting and sweaty. Cynthia nuzzled into the crook of Ari’s neck, her body too wrecked to move even an inch. Ari’s arms immediately came up around her, holding her tight, like they could melt together and become one person.

Cynthia was pretty sure Ari would love that.

The thought made her laugh.  A little one at first.  Then another one.  And then more until she was cracking herself up, still glued to Ari’s skin.

“What are you laughing at?” Ari asked, barely holding in her own giggles.

“I think I’m delirious,” Cynthia confessed.  “And I can’t stop thinking that you would like it if we surgically attached ourselves to each other.”

“Oh, I would,” Ari said, no hesitation.

Cynthia found the strength to raise her head and was met with Ari’s mischievous look.  The same one she’d fallen in love with while they were filming.  For a long minute, all they could do was look at each other.  Ari’s fingers toyed lazily with Cynthia’s back.  Her scalp.  Her arms.  And Cynthia just let herself be held.

It was beautiful and so heartbreakingly sweet that she never wanted it to end.  She leaned down and kissed Ari, who slid her tongue into Cynthia’s mouth like they hadn’t just banged each other’s brains out.

Of course, that’s when another alarm went off.  This time, from Ari’s phone.

“Noooo,” Ari groaned against Cynthia’s lips.

“I guess we really do have to get up now,” Cynthia said, making not a single move to get up.

“Do you think,” Ari said, as she kissed down Cynthia’s neck, “maybe we should,” kiss, kiss, “take a shower?”

“Mmmm.”

“Unless you want to go home smelling like my newest fragrance.  Pussyana Grande.”

The laugh that flew out of Cynthia’s mouth was so loud, she startled herself. 

“You are so bad!”

“Says the woman who just came all over me,” Ari said, wiggling her eyebrows.

This time, it was Cynthia that groaned.  She looked down at their bodies, still glued together, and bit her lip.  They had things to do.  Important things.  Rounds 2 through 10 could wait until after the show.

“Come on, naughty girl.”

Their shower was not nearly as quick or getting-clean-oriented as it should have been and by the time they stumbled back into the room, the sun was out.  Cynthia put her clothes back on and found her phone tossed into a corner.  She had several messages from her team, alerting her that they were on the way to glam her up for the big day.  And she had one from Lena.

Where tf are you???

All the giddiness she’d felt just moments before disappeared as the real world came crashing back down on her.  Ari came up behind Cynthia and kissed her neck.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” she sighed.  She spun around and kissed Ari.  “I need to go.  But I’ll see you later.  We’re going to have an amazing day and once all the dust clears, we’re doing this.  Right?”  The “right?” came out less confident than she’d hoped, but Ari smiled like she didn’t have a doubt.

“Right.”

The ride back home was tense, and Cynthia’s heart beat harder the closer she got to the house.  By the time she pulled up, her pulse was pounding and it didn’t help that there were so many cars already there.  There wouldn’t be an opportunity to slip in unnoticed.  But.  She was an actress.  An award-winning actress.  She could pull this off, no sweat.

She straightened her back and walked inside, cool breeze-like.  The living room had been transformed into a mini glam studio, with a massage table, facial steamer and equipment, makeup setup and all her outfits ready to be tried on and adjusted if needed.  None of her team batted an eye at her late entrance.  Neither, apparently, did her mother (outside on the patio soaking in the sun) or Capri (still loudly snoring from his room down the hall).

But Lena did.

She sat on the couch amidst all the hubbub and stared daggers at Cynthia.  Cynthia merely nodded towards the bedroom and after Lena followed, she shut the door.

Lena asked, “where were you?”

She should have come up with some kind of plausible story, truly, but all she could manage was, “out.  I lost track of time.”

“Out.”  Lena nodded slowly and looked Cynthia up and down.  “You were with her.”  It was not a question.

“Can we not?  Not today, all right?  You can yell and scream all you want tomorrow, but not today.  You know how important this day is for me, and I need my wits about me.  Which I won’t have if we get into an argument.”

“I thought you were taking a break from both of us,” Lena said, completely disregarding everything Cynthia had just said.  “I thought you were considering you and me working it out.”

“No, you were considering that.  I said I didn’t want to talk about it until after today.”

She felt her voice rising, and she had to physically bring herself back down.

“Please,” she said quietly.  “I am begging you.  If you ever had any love for me at all, do not fuck up this day.”

Lena stared at her.  Sized her up.  Said nothing at first, but then nodded.

“Okay.”

“…okay?”

“Yeah.  Okay.”

And that was that.  Lena walked past her and left the room.  And that seemed like it would be the end of it.

Cynthia should have known better.