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Life on the meteor is way more boring than you ever could have fucking expected. No John to shoot the shit with, no new Youtube videos to watch, and especially no girls named Terezi bugging you every two goddamn seconds. Wait. Is bugging an offensive term for trolls? Maybe you should ask Kanaya. Or would that be weird? Fuck. Much to think about.
Speaking of Kanaya, she’s at the table sitting across from you, working on some sort of crochet bullshit. It looks like she’s pretty deep into the groove of things, so there’s not really any point in interrupting her. Probably, right? Either way, the two of you have been chilling in the common for a hot minute now. Rose is here too, she’s passed out on the couch due to uh… inebriation probably. You should probably talk to her about that at some point. Maybe tomorrow? Uh, on second thought, you definitely need to prep-
Suddenly, the transportalizer behind you activates. Maybe it’ll be TZ and the two of you can fin-
Oh, it’s just Karkat. The two of you've never really gotten along. It's just one of those irrefutable facts of life. In fact, you're pretty sure the dude is just allergic to friendship in general based on how grumpy he always is. Even after all these months, the two of you can never talk without getting into some one sided argument about the most mundane shit known to mankind, both human and troll. It sucks, cause you honestly cause you could use a bro every now and again to break up the sheer amount of secondhand estrogen and other girly shit you're stuck with every day, but uh, it seems like you'll just have to wait a few years for that to happen.
DAVE: hey
KARKAT: …HEY.
KANAYA: Oh! Hello My Dear Friend
KANAYA: I Presume You’re Here To Return The Book I Lent You
KARKAT: YEAH, DO YOU HAVE THE REST OF SERIES?
KANAYA: Oh Come On, At Least Tell Me What You Thought Before Making For Such A Request
KARKAT: …KRATOR WAS KIND OF A SHIT LOVE INTEREST FOR A PALE ROMANCE SUBPLOT, BUT I GUESS THAT'S KIND OF THE POINT.
KANAYA: I Concur
KARKAT: OH, AND THEIR USE OF SPEAR COLLECTORS WAS REALLY INTERESTING. ESPECIALLY WITH HOW IT CONTRASTED AGAINST THE FANG DEMOLITION.
KANAYA: Somehow I Knew You Would Say Such A Thing
KANAYA: So…
KARKAT: SO WHAT?
KANAYA: Would You Like Me To Lend You The Next Book Or Not?
KARKAT: YEAH. SURE. I GUESS.
KARKAT: I’D APPRECIATE IT.
KANAYA: Then Let Me Finish This Project And I’ll Fetch It At Once
DAVE: so what you guys start a trashy romance book club and not invite a critically acclaimed scholar like myself?
KANAYA: I Mean I Wouldn’t Call It A Bo-
KARKAT: YES, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT WE DID.
DAVE: ouch
DAVE: im wounded
DAVE: way to show how little you think of me
KARKAT: OH DON’T GET YOUR SHAME GLOBES ALL IN A TWIST, IT’S IN A LANGUAGE YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND ANYWAYS.
DAVE: what alternian?
KARKAT: NO, SUBTLETY. LOOK IT UP.
DAVE: ha
DAVE: ding ding ding
DAVE: two points for vantas
DAVE: i didnt realize you were such a romance aficionado
KARKAT: CAN YOU EVEN SPELL MOIRAILLEGENCE?
DAVE: can you even spell bofa deez?
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL IS BOPHADEE-
DAVE: bofa deez NUTS bitch
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON’T EVEN NEED THE BOOK ANYMORE.
KARKAT: FUCK YOU AND EVERY SORRY ASS SOUND THAT MAKES ITS WAY OUT OF YOUR WIND PIPES!
DAVE: aw come on man it was a jo-
And just like that, he’s gone, and you’re laughing your ass off. Fuck. There might be tears in your eyes too.
DAVE: holy shit
DAVE: fuck man
DAVE: was he always like this?
DAVE: i gotta give it to him ive never met a walking act of unintentional comedy like that in my whole life
Rather than laughing alongside you, Kanaya just sets her needles down, eyes narrowed, then looks up at you.
KANAYA: You Know Dave, I’m Happy That You Have Gotten So Comfortable Around Me, But If You’re Going To Be So Bold With Your Romantic Pursuits, Maybe You Should “Get A Room” As You Humans Say
DAVE: huh
DAVE: wait…
DAVE: what?
KANAYA: With Karkat I Mean, Not Myself
DAVE: no no thats not the part im hung up on here
DAVE: what the hell about that was romantic?
DAVE: a little bit of ribbing between bros doesnt mean i wanna slide down his ski slopes if you catch my drift
KANAYA: Maybe That’s True In Regards To Your Home Planet, But Ours? Not So Much
DAVE: woah woah woah
DAVE: what the hell
DAVE: are you saying you think i have one of those hate crushes on him?
KANAYA: That Part Was Implied, Yes
DAVE: look man
DAVE: im not denying the potential of humans being into lots of freaky blackrom shenanigans
DAVE: but me? with a dude?
DAVE: hell no never in a million years or sweeps or whatever
DAVE: nada nope no way jose thats for sure
DAVE: youre smoking crack if you think that
DAVE: straight up methamphetamines you hear me
KANAYA: Alright, Then I Stand Corrected
DAVE: …
KANAYA: …
DAVE: whyd you say it like that?
KARKAT: Like What?
DAVE: like you think im lying or some shit
KANAYA: I Have No Idea What You’re Talking About
DAVE: oh come on
DAVE: my lie detector is going off like crazy right now
DAVE: just beeping and vibrating and shit
KANAYA: Perhaps We Should End This Conversation Here Then If You Intend To Use Such Technology
DAVE: come just say what you wanna say
DAVE: im a big boy i can handle it
KANAYA: If You Insist…
KANAYA: I Just Think It Is A Bit Interesting How Defensive And Bothered You Consistently Seem To Get In Regards To The Notion Of Your Sexuality Being Anything Other Than What You Already Presume
DAVE: oh come on
DAVE: im not defensive
DAVE: cant a dude just set the record straight every once in awhile
DAVE: pun definitely intended by the way
KANAYA: There You Go Again, Defending Yourself
DAVE: …
DAVE: look what the hell are you trying to say here man
DAVE: like
DAVE: i
DAVE: uh
KANAYA: I Think You Should See If Karkat Wants This Book, Is That An Adequate Answer?
DAVE: fine
KARKAT: KANAYA THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO APOL-
KARKAT: OH
KARKAT: …HELLO?
DAVE: sup
You stare at Karkat for just a moment, maybe two moments even, still not quite sure what to say. You've been dwindling in the hallway right outside his door for god knows how long now. Everything about this is so supremely awkward. Does he really see you as his hater with benefits? There’s no way som-
KARKAT: SO DO YOU PLAN ON EXPLAINING YOURSELF OR JUST LOITERING HERE LIKE A DIPSHIT?
Fuck.
DAVE: the first one
DAVE: look
DAVE: i just thought id clear the rainbowy ass air a little bit
DAVE: im not gay
DAVE: and i dont have one of those weird hate crushes on you
DAVE: so dont uh… think im leading you on or anything
By the time you’re done speaking, you can’t quite look him in the eye. There’s even more awkward silence to dance around for a few seconds, then Karkat’s totally laughing his ass off. Like hands on his knees and everything. Huh?
KARKAT: JEGUS CHRIST DON’T FLATTER YOURSELF STRIDER
KARKAT: QUITE HONESTLY I FIND THE IDEA OF YOU EVEN STEPPING NEAR MY QUADRANTS TO BE UTTERLY REPULSIVE
KARKAT: NO OFFENSE
DAVE: fuck you im a total catch youre missing out
DAVE: im sure tons of dudes would be honored to have a one sided pitch black summer romance with yours truly
DAVE: imagining all the ways i would awkwardly turn them down in some sexy argument type shit
DAVE: …
DAVE: so what the fuck do you even do in here anyways?
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW. WATCH MOVIES. READ BOOKS. PLENTY OF ACTIVITIES!
DAVE: oh shit
DAVE: that reminds me
DAVE: kanaya told me to give this to you
You release the book from your sylladex, then hand it over to him. After he takes it, you linger for just a second, expecting a half hearted thank you or something.
KARKAT: SO…
DAVE: so…?
KARKAT: AREN’T YOU GONNA GO HANGOUT WITH TEREZI NOW OR SOME SHIT?
DAVE: nah
DAVE: we havent talked in months
DAVE: believe it or not i have a life aside from whatever corny rivalry shenanigans you think im up to
KARKAT: …MONTHS?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: months
DAVE: i thought we had something cool going on
DAVE: time literally and figuratively didnt exist when we were able to just shoot the shit together
DAVE: then boom tz had to step in and say “hey yeah future me said you cant talk to the man of your dreams for the greater good of the timeline blah blah blah”
DAVE: and i totally fucking get it any time a future dave shows up i gotta strap in and listen up
DAVE: but uh-
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: why am i telling you this
DAVE: sorry
DAVE: …
KARKAT: SHE HASN’T TALKED TO ME EITHER, JUST THE SPIDERBITCH AS FAR I CAN TELL.
DAVE: weird
DAVE: …
KARKAT: …
DAVE: …
KARKAT: WHY DO WE HATE EACH OTHER AGAIN?
DAVE: i dunno
DAVE: as i established earlier i dont hate you in your dumbass alien love rectangle way
DAVE: honestly i dont even dislike you or anything
DAVE: youre kind of unintentionally hilarious in your own sort of “i have two sticks shoved up my ass at all times” kinda way
KARKAT: FUCK YOU!
DAVE: see?
KARKAT: …
KARKAT: FOR THE RECORD, I THINK YOU’RE EXTREMELY ANNOYING AND AGGRAVATING TO BE AROUND MOST OF THE TIME, BUT UH
KARKAT: I’M STARTING TO REALIZE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THEN I FIRST THOUGHT I EVER WOULD WITH ANY MEMBER OF YOUR INFERIOR ALIEN SPECIES.
DAVE: gee thanks
KARKAT: NO PROBLEM.
DAVE: so…
DAVE: is this your fucked up way of saying you wanna be friends now?
KARKAT: I GUESS.
DAVE: cool
DAVE: well have fun your lame book thats totally not softcore vampire erotica
DAVE: and uh
DAVE: maybe we can spar or watch movie later if you’re not busy i guess
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I EVER BE BUSY?
DAVE: who knows
DAVE: maybe you get up to tons of crabby shenanigans when i’m not around
KARKAT: PFFFFFT
KARKAT: TOTALLY
DAVE: well… see ya
KARKAT: YOU TOO.