Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Ugh what are you making us watch?” Tyler used his feet to nudge at the man seated beside him
“Stop that” Josh slapped his feet away
“This is bullshit, you’re watching bullshit” he nudged again
“Tyler, I swear to God” he slapped the feet harder
“Ouch” Tyler retracted his feet “well stop watching these lies and pay attention to me”
“You’re such an attention slut” the pink haired man playfully rolled his eyes “why do you have to be such a child?”
“Only when you put the TV on” he shrugged with a pout
“Well why?”
“Because it’s all lies” he stated like it should be the most obvious thing
“Well this is the news”
“Yeah exactly, the biggest lie of the lies aired”
“What?” Josh scoffed finally turning to him.
“I just don’t believe what’s on TV” he stated with a shrug
“Yeah no shit” he rolled his eyes “You’re always saying that. Why?”
“Because it’s what we want to see” Tyler plainly replied
Josh Blankly stared back
“They feed our eyes with what we want to see, what they know the public wants to see, what news we want to hear and how we want it and they deliver it to us”
“And that’s bad because?”
He gave a slight frown of annoyance
“Well it still doesn’t make it false” Josh firmly replied
“Doesn’t make it completely true either” the brunet countered “They just feeding the ego in ours eyes”
“The ego in our eyes” Josh chuckled
“It’s what we want and what we want we know we can’t believe”
The other man gave a slight nod not sure what to say
“And it’s exactly why people have learned to kill their dreams” he added matter-of-factly
“Because they don’t believe what they see on TV?” he skeptically asked
“No, because they did, and they grew up to realize that everything was a bunch of lies and that dreams don’t always come true, so now a few of us have learned to no longer believe the shit they try to feed our brains through our eyes which is a packaged deal with killing your dreams”
“Well that’s kinda sad” Josh quietly spoke before pausing to smile at Tyler “Every day you show me a new level, type and concept of weird”
“But you love it” he winked at him
“What can I say, you’re me personal weirdo” he leaned in closer to him “But not as much as I love you”
“Well I would like to think so” he smiled before connecting their lips in a kiss.

“Earth to Ty” Josh snapped her fingers at the brown haired man seated beside him “Hey dork”
“Huh yeah” her furiously blinked at him and looked around the booth they were seated in “I’m with you”
Josh raised a brow at him to which he flashed a toothy smile “You’ve been awfully quiet. Through the ride here and now you even spacing out on me. What’s up?”
“Just thinking” he shrugged taking a sip of his soda
“That’s not you’re thinking face, you’re actually worried. Spill it”
He heaved a sigh “You know the whole deal with me leaving home to come stay with Jenna”
“Because you wanted to start a band” he completed and Tyler nodded
“I left home Josh, my whole life behind, everyone I ever knew with the hopes of coming here and making a difference with our music”
“Don’t tell me you having second thoughts now” he went wide eyed with surprise “You grew from a teenager writing songs in his room to being the lead singer of the most wanted local bands in less than a year”
“well-” he shrugged
“I know It’s not the big dream” Josh rolled his eyes “ but its progress Ty, but its more than what other local bands can even think of saying for themselves” he firmly stated “And before you say anymore, do you not see the cardboards kids hold up at our shows?, the ‘your music saved my life’ and ‘I heart you’ ones”
Tyler gave a small smile
“Which by the way I should really keep an eye out for those holding the ‘I heart Tyler’ signs and ‘I wanna have your babies’ ones”
He spluttered out the soda in his mouth with a laugh “No one holds that up”
“That’s cause I tear them as soon as I seen them holding it by the door” he smugly replied making him laugh harder
“Oh my God” he face palmed
“Oh relax I would never harass our fans like that” Josh gave a light laugh
“And what do you do about those who hold up ‘Josh marry me’ signs”
“Well I would if you waste too much time” he chuckled
“So now I have competition?” he remarked making Josh laugh
“But in all seriousness though, if you hadn’t made the big decision to leave home then you never would have met the best thing that happened to you”
“Which is?” asked Tyler
“Me you dork” he laughed “I was practically eye fucking you on stage every night whenever you played”
“Oh you were always stripping me with your eyes alright” he chuckled “I used to hope you wouldn’t show up at our shows, you made me feel so cautious on stage”
“It’s called admiration you loser “he lauded
“Enh” he shrugged
“I made you so uncomfortable that you had to come talk to me after your show at Billy’s bar?” he raised a brow
“I had to know what your deal was and also understand why a totally hot 10 like you was focused on me”
“Familiar with the term ‘drawing out your prey to come to you’?” he suggestively wiggled his brows making him laugh lightly “I guess I just have a thing for ukulele. After all they say ‘guitarists finger faster” he casually added picking at a fry”
“Oh my God Josh” he hollered out a laugh
“Didn’t I ever tell you?”
“Er no. I would definitely recall that”
“Well I meant to cause it always crossed my mind when I watched you play”
“So it had nothing to do with my singing then?” he spoke between laughter
“It was implied” Josh playfully rolled his eyes
“Anyway that’s not it” Tyler clarified I wasn’t thinking of quitting the band”
“So then what?”
“What if it doesn’t happen, what if my dream doesn’t happen?”
Josh remained silent urging him to continue
“What will I tell those I left at home, will I just change what I’ve told my friends? I don’t wanna know who I would be when I wake up from a dreamers sleep” he concluded with a tiny voice
“First of all” Josh sighed holding up his index finger “if, not when and trust me if this is dream, you’re not gonna wake up”
He gave a slight frown
“Cause boo, you’re not waking up and leaving me behind”
He smiled shaking his head
“And secondly” he held up his middle finger “If you don’t have faith in yourself, I do. You will get to climb stages, open up for your heroes and strum your fingers on your guitar to your heart’s content and soon enough you’ll have others opening for you and you’ll have your own club of obsessive fangirls who will wish me dead”
“You paint quit a picture” he gave a small smile
“But most importantly, I will always be behind you – literally behind you playing the drums” he remarked gaining another smile from the brown haired man
“Oh and let’s not forget those who will be holding up the ‘your music saved me’ boards”
“It’s gonna be our music” Tyler stretched his hand on the table to hold his partner’s as he shot him a smile “I love you so damn much” he mumbled before placing a kiss on his hand “Can you promise me one thing” he spoke eyes cast on the plate of fries on the table
“What’s that?”
“If the picture you painted remains a picture and nothing more”
Josh sighed
“Will you still be here, I need to know that if I fall you’ll still be here cause I don’t know how to go on without you”
“I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me dork” he gave a toothy smile “although” he playfully smirked “if I do stay, what will be in it for me?”
“I’ll work my fingers on the chord like my life depends on it and sing you pretty sounds”
“You’re cute” he chuckled
“And since I’m unqualified for anything else, we’ll make money selling your hair”
“Okay I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that part” he reached her hands to feel his pink lush hair “Do you know the hair products I apply to achieve the perfect lustrous hair, they could mutilate you”
“I’m sure they can” he nodded with a smile still playing on his face “But I don’t care what’s in your hair, I just wanna know what’s on your mind. Your twisted, beautiful mind”
“I wish I could know that too you know” he shrugged “I’m just an amazing person”

They walked side by side through the quiet alley having finished their meal and now heading home with Tyler insisting they walked back home.
“You know when I was younger and my great-grandpa lived with us, he always told me he felt like a burden to us, I always assured him he was wrong but the stubborn man would never listen to me. So I told myself I just wanna live a short happy life, don’t want to live long enough to feel like a burden to anyone, I used to say I wanted to die before I got old but-” he trailed off
“But what?” Josh nudged him
“You” Tyler flashed a smile making the other man furrow his brows in confusion “You came into my life and now I don’t wanna have a short happy life, I want a long happy one with you”
Josh staring back wide eyed
“I don’t need you to say anything” he pulled him close and kissed his forehead “I love you” he mumbled against her head
“I love you too dork” he chuckled.

Chapter Text

Matty slowly pulled up at the ash painted flat, with hands still on the wheel he took in a sharp air, dreading to look beside him knowing fully well the Man beside him was shooting daggers at him; if looks could kill.
“You fucker” Kellin growled
“Let’s go in Babe” he calmly replied turning his gaze to him
“I’m not going in there”
“You already left the house, got in the car and now we’re here. So you might as well just go in”
“You go in” Kellin snapped “you told me we were going to the mall”
“No” he countered “you asked if we were going to the mall and I didn’t disagree”
“Then why did you tell me to get in the car?” he asked and without waiting for his reply added “I should have known” he blankly stared, his tone quiet down to almost a whisper “you never wanna go shopping with me. I’m so stupid”
“Stop making it sound like I brought you here to get killed” the red haired man rolled his eyes
“Fine” he replied through gritted teeth “but I’m not spending fifteen minutes in there” he stepped out of the car slamming the door with more force than was necessary.
Matty let a small smile creep on his face, this was far more progress than he expected. For Kellin to have actually got out of the car. He hurriedly tried to catch up to him just as she had pushed through the double doors revealing the reception.
“Excuse me Sir” the brown haired man at the area called after Kellin when he walked past him with an office in mind.
“You know me Jake, and who I’m here to see” he stopped in his tracks “so let’s cut the protocol bullshit”
“I’m sorry but you know that’s not-”
“I’m sorry” Matty piqued up “we have an appointment with Dr. Hills, 2pm?”
“Oh yeah. Mr Mullins, of cause” she confirmed after looking at the computer in front of her “right this way sir. Room 4” she motioned to her left.
“Thank you” he offered him a small smile
Kellin made an annoyed sound walking beside his husband.
“Matty, Kellin. I’m so glad you could finally make it” the dark haired man smiled at the couple as they sat across the round coffee table from him.
Matty shot him a smile and a slight nod in acknowledgement
“So how have you two been?”
“Could we just cut to the chase Justin?” Kellin asked with a tight smile “cause I have very limited time to spend here. Were here to see you so that speaks enough about our marriage”
“I see” Justin replied giving Matty a look
“What was that?” Kellin quickly spoke up siting up from his slouching position, shooting glances at the two men “what was that exchange of look? Have you two been meeting up behind my back? Well of cause you have, what am I saying” he scoffed “all this is probably arranged, you’ve already planned out how the whole session is gonna go” she nodded to herself biting her lower lip “I’m so stupid – again”
Matty heaved an exasperated sigh trying not to groan. He pinched his nose bridge reminding himself the paranoia was not his fault, it’s all effect of the incident – the illness
“Matty I don’t even know what we’re doing here, couples therapy is bullcrap – no offence Justin” he shot him a smile “I mean this is step two of a marriage about to fail”
“What?” Matty looked up at his husband “couple counseling is to help the marriage not break it”
“Nah-ah” he shook her head in disagreement “it goes: problems, counseling, taking a break and divorce” he used her fingers indicating each step
“You know I never can figure it out” he slowly spoke, giving Kellin a pleading look. Justn leaned back into his chair, leg crossed to study the couple. “All these insecurities that you have, these doubts about us springing up from nowhere”
Kellin quietly stared back at him, chewing on his lower lip
“Did you think I was gonna turn into someone else after the incident?” he continued.
He opened his mouth to reply only to shut it back, avoiding his gaze, suddenly becoming interested in the space between them on the brown office couch.
“But I stayed the same Kells. I’m still me and you’re still the man I fell in love with. Honestly,” he paused to stare at him
“Don’t” she mumbled to herself
“I think the only change is the way you feel about us” he concluded
“So Kellin” Justin cautiously looked to him breaking the silence that followed Matty’s declaration “What do you have to say about that?”
“I say we’re done here” he replied and in a swift motion walked out the door.

The red haired man slowly raised his head and looked behind him to see the now shattered china plate he had dodged laying amongst other shattered pieces
“Kellin” he took a cautious step matching his tone approaching the dark haired man
“I’m tired” he spoke tears streaming down his face
“Why-baby why are you crying?” Matty quickly approached to wipe a tear
“Matty I’m tired. Aren’t you?”
“Okay we can go take a nap” he embraced him
“No” he shook away from the hug “we can’t go on like this. It’s like we can’t go a day without screaming at each other, and at this rate we’ll be out of utensils by next week” he slowly lowered herself on the floor leaning against the wall, burying his face in his knees
“Then we’ll buy plastic utensils” Matty declared standing over him
He gave him a sad smile then said “you can’t just pretend the incident never happened”
“I’m not” he sat beside him holding onto his hand “It has happened, nothing any of us can do to change that, so all we have to do is put it behind us and move on. We can’t let it change what we’ve had going on for 4 years”
Kellin sat himself up and ran a finger through his hair while exhaling a sigh “No” he simply stated “We can’t just go back to how things used to be. I’m different now Matty”
“Well I’m not”
“Of cause not” he gave a bitter laugh “It didn’t happen to you. I’m the one who has to deal with the permanently etched scar it has left on me”
“You don’t have to do this alone baby. That’s my point”
“You’re trying to ignore it” he snapped both his voice and head at him
“I am not” he firmly defended
“I tried Matty. I can’t do this anymore. Normal is no more a luxury for me” he calmly replied eyes stinging with tears welling up
“What are you talking about ‘normal’” he scoffed “That word is dynamic, you used to tell me that”
“Do you know how many nights I lay awake?”
“You are an insomniac” he shrugged
“I lay awake to stare at you” he clarified “I find meaning behind every muscle twitch, every movement, change in position – Matty I don’t even fucking trust you in your sleep”
The red haired man stared back at his husband with saucer wide eyes, going on to speak but simply breathe out and went quiet
“We’re just trying to hold on to the people we were and it’s not working out” Kellin continued “I’m tired of hanging on to what we had in hopes that it’s gonna go back”
“So what, I was wrong to think things would be the same?” he quietly asked
“We both were” he nodded eyes cast on the floor
“But maybe things don’t have to be the same; different doesn’t have to mean bad”
“Why are you stubborn” he pulled at her hair “There is nothing left here to fight for anymore, look around you, we’ve both been bled dry”
“No” he shook his head “nah, I’m not giving up on us”
“Well I am. Staying stuck in this toxic mud puddle of a relationship – stop wasting time, yours and mine, please” he held his forearm “God knows we tried”
“We can always try harder”
“Why are you so hung up on this, can’t you see I’m doing you a favor”
“Well you can keep your damn favors to yourself. I don’t want it” he jerked his arm away
“I don’t wanna hold you back anymore” his voice barely above a whisper
“Hold me back? What shit are you spewing out this time?” Matty snapped with creased brows
“When was the last time you left the house?”
“Yesterday”
“Meeting Doctor Hills doesn’t count” he shook his head
“Well” he scoffed “I don’t need to, I have a job that I can work from home and I’ve got you. What more?”
“You got that job privilege three months ago after the-”
“I know when I got it and you don’t see me complaining- who would”
“Well what about your friends, when was the last time you saw Kellen, Corey or Jake and he is your bestfriend”
“Okay well now you’re just making me realize I have shitty friends”
“You cut them off Matty” he exclaimed
He exhaled running his fingers through his hair “well then they are not so supportive now are they?” he tried but gained an eye roll
“I don’t wanna hold you back and you-you just don’t wanna live with the guilt of leaving me behind”
“So that’s it?” he finally broke the minutes silence following his statement “Were done?” he asked with pleading eyes
“You know I’ll be lying if I said we were meant to be” Kellin whispered

Matty looked past Kellin at the door to watch as his Sister placed his bags in the trunk of her car and then come back up to the house with a sour pleased look on her face
“You know I don’t wanna say I said it” she stated in a sing song voice as she stood beside Kellin
“Then don’t” said Kellin
“But I told you so” she concluded with a smirk
“So now you’re gloating in having predicted your brother’s relationship will fail” Matty shot him a puzzled look
“Look here you scrawny ass walking twenty first century ostrich-”
“Please Katelyn not now” Kellin cut her off “Go. I’ll meet you in the car”
“Well, don’t be long. ‘Goodbye dickhead’ has barely five syllables” she shot Matty a final glare before walking away.
He took in a sharp breath “So I guess we’re really doing this huh?”
“I will always love you Matty”
“I love you too. So this is just a break right?”
“Matty” he sighed cupping his face in his palms shooting him a sad smile “if I said yes, it wouldn’t be fair to you. We gotta call it what it is.”
Matty gave him a puzzled look
“Matty I love you so much, I’m just not in love with you. We gotta move on and say goodbye to us”
“So this is how it ends, by saying goodbye to you and me?” he scoffed “I never would have guessed”
“Sometimes love isn’t enough” he caressed his cheek as he leaned into the touch
“Yeah I get it, you can’t blame a guy for hoping” he shrugged with a small smile
Kellin emitted a chuckle while furiously blinking the tear threatening to come out before placing a chaste kiss on his lips and walking to the parked van.

Chapter Text

Eleven years. That’s how long it’s been since my mum died and my dad has been a mess since then. She got diagnosed with cancer and it took about a year before she was stuck in till she finally couldn’t fight anymore. My dad was never strong, emotionally that is. He always depended on my mum for emotional support and it was clear to everyone who knew my dad that her death would wreck him and I guess he never had it in him to prove them wrong.
Right after we laid her six feet under, it seemed that was when it fully hit the old man that she was never coming back and he became abusive and I guess that was to be expected since he decided to treat his grief with a six pack per day.
What was I supposed to do, stand up to him? I was only eight.
I guess it’s a good thing that was when Brendon swooped in and finally started acting like the big brother he is. Being two years older, he couldn’t stand up to dad either so all he did was be there for me.
I remember the first words he said to me when mum’s heart gave out ‘I’ll go with you always my blood’ he said it and he meant it.
The next time dad hit me and I laid in my room crying, he hugged me and said ‘when everyone you thought you knew, deserts your fight, I’ll go with you’
Naturally, having an abusive father, it was no surprise when I became depressed. I mean he threatened to kill me if I ever told anyone that he beat me up and I kept it to myself thanks to makeup. The thought to end it all constantly crossed my mind but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It wouldn’t be fair to Brendon, especially not after he said to me
‘You’re facing down a dark hall, I’ll grab my light and go with you’

The plan, I decided was to leave home as soon as I turned 18, the night I turn 18 to be precise. without wasting any more minute at home, we would run away-Brendon and me both. But it never came to that because the old man was found dead in a ditch the night before I turned 18, talk about a miracle. He had been hit by a car and the driver obviously didn’t care enough to check on him. cliché, I know but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So, I’ve been in this house for a year now-Brendon and I. Relatives would visit now and then with the same offer but I declined the invitation to live with anyone. I’ve waited for this freedom my whole life. It’s been a year and I’m pretty sure I’ve proven that I can take care of myself-Brendon and I; or to be frank Brendon can take care of us.
I really wouldn’t have made it this far without him, cause let’s face it I’m just a scrawny kid who can’t keep his mouth shut and gets bullied a lot.
Over the span of eleven years, Brendon has said a lot of things that resonated with me:
In 6th grade when a 7th grader decided I was his new punching bag he said
‘Surrounded and up against a wall, I’ll shred them all and go with you’

When I was reluctant to go to school because I was didn’t want to be bullied anymore, he said
‘When choices end, you must defend; I’ll grab my bat and go with you’

When I got into high school and a slight paranoia kicked in cause my dad’s abuse had escalated and the bullies in school sure were attracted to me, Brendon snapped his finger in my face so I would stop looking over my shoulders, gave me a serious look and said
‘If there comes a day when people are posted up at the end of your driveway, they calling for your head and they calling for your name, I’ll bomb down on them when I come through. Did they know I was grown with you?’

And then there was the recent event, how recent, this morning. I woke up giddy and in a good mood so I decided to go for a walk-Brendon and I. we passed through a field of cheerleaders practicing where Brendon proceeded to whistle at them, but the jocks nearby did not appreciate that and you guessed, it we got chased. Brendon being faster than I could have easily run far ahead of me but instead he pushed me forward to give me a head start and each time I started lagging behind, he urged me to pull on his backpack to propel myself forward and it worked. We ran until the jocks decided we were not worth it. When we stopped and caught our breaths, he turned to me and said
‘if you find yourself in a lion’s den, I’ll jump right in and pull my pin and go with you’

Later on, when the sun began to set, I ran into the jocks again-Brendon and I. And Brendon being Brendon proceeded to piss them off but I guess they must have been in a good mood since they let us go without so much as a punch. We got home and Brendon started going on about a Halloween party at a college frat house which he saw on a flyer he had snagged from a mailbox he vandalized earlier today after we had ran from the jocks in the field. After much persuasion and my refusal followed by more persuasion and him reminding me that it was my birthday and I deserved a party even if it wasn’t originally planned for me, he finally convinced me and I got dressed in a skeleton onsie. Brendon and I were matching with our costumes.
We approached the frat house and he obviously sensed my fear which let’s be honest will be clear to anyone who so much as glanced at me. He turned to me and said
“You’ll be fine bud. Why do you think I chose these costumes, it’s not because I like onsies. Look they won’t know we are crashing their party. And if they do somehow spot us, don’t chicken out okay, you don’t need to run. Stay with me my blood” he assured me with a smile
‘but if shit goes sideways then you run and don’t look back, I’ll have your back always’. With his pep talk, we pulled down our mask and he pulled our foreheads together silently assuring me.

Truth be told, the party was amazing, they had two-piece band perform live which I loved. But about an hour later, my nerves kicked in and I pleaded with Brendon for us to go home. I guess those jocks did spot me when I pulled off my mask to talk to Brendon because barely a minute after we got home, they came banging on the door, yelling obscenities and what they would do to us. Brendon told me to stay put while he went to reason with them. I looked through the window, saw him approach the jocks dressed as jocks for Halloween; stupid I know.
Just like a horror movie playing out in front of me, I watched as they all pounced on him as soon as he began talking. All six of them were punching him and when he doubled over on the ground, they proceeded to kicking him. I completely freaked out; I had no idea what to do. If I went out there, they would beat the shit out of both of us, but at the same time I can’t stay back and watch them do that to Brendon. That was when I spotted it, a baseball bat laying in a corner. Without putting much thought to it which will inevitably lead to me making myself chicken out, I dashed out like a madman on adrenaline and began swinging the bat at anything and anyone standing. Seeing that I wasn’t slowing down or giving up, they ran away. I picked Brendon up who was laying on the ground in a fetal position, supported him under my arm and dragged him inside.

Transition, epiphany or whatever you wanna call it comes in various ways. For me this was it.
I opened the door for Brendon and I.
I walked into the house- I alone
I sat on the couch with a small smile playing on my face.
I alone
I finally did it
After eleven years I finally did it
I stood up for myself, I defended myself
And just like he swooped in eleven years ago, he’s gone just like that
Besides I’ve gotten too old to still have an imaginary big brother.