Archive of Our Own ^beta

Shinji let out a sigh upon finally walking up to their apartment door. After a long day of work, he wanted nothing more than to see Kaworu and have dinner before lying down and being dead to the world. He pulled out his key from his pocket and opened the door, only to be greeted with silence. It was late already so it wouldn't be a surprise if Kaworu fell asleep. He was careful with his movements, not wanting to make any noise that could possibly wake the angel. Though he claimed sleep to be something his body doesn't really quite need, he does begin to fall asleep at certain times of the day as much as he tried not to. It was rather adorable to him.

For the past few days however, he hadn't been doing anything but sleeping. He had called in sick to his students and cancelled their piano lessons for a week or two just to stay home. When Shinji asked Kaworu about it, he simply smiled at him and said he thought it'd do both him and his students good to take a break, which Shinji didn't comment on, as much as it seemed strange for Kaworu to do so when he was the sort to literally lives for his work from just how much he adores teaching music.

Things had gotten stranger after he began to notice how Kaworu stopped playing all together and even more so when he saw his beloved plants unwatered. It was also then he caught a disturbed expression behind his husband's smile. It was as if he was holding his breath whenever Shinji was around and he would always sleep the rest of the day when he was off to work. It worried him more than it frustrated him not saying anything and on a weekend, he asked him what was going on when he found enough evidence on why he was acting the way he does. The angel merely smiled it off once more and said Shinji was only imagining things, which, to Shinji's regret, turned the conversation into an argument on why Kaworu was so keen on keeping things from him to the point of making it seem like it was all in his head. Naturally, it ticked the angel off and he defensively accused Shinji of feeling insecure for assuming the worst all the time when things were fine. That had been a few days ago. They apologised for raising their voices at each other and saying what they said but Shinji didn't hear a single word out of Kaworu regarding how he was feeling and ultimately decided since he can't force things out of him, he'll wait until he does. Though, maybe he should express his concerns again, without arguing and doing it properly this time.

Loosening his tie, Shinji walked to the bedroom door and as he twisted the doorknob as quietly as possible, he heard sobs coming from the other side. A sense of urgency came in to which he stopped caring about quietly opening the door and came into the room in worry.

"No! Stay where you are! Please," Kaworu exclaimed, his voice like ripples, echoing in a way that felt like his words rung in his ears over and over again. Shinji did as he was told and stood where he was. Kaworu's form was covered under a blanket, pulled up to his head as if to hide himself entirely. "I didn't know you would be back so soon..." The repetition of his pained words sent an ache into Shinji's heart. If it weren't for Kaworu crying, his concern would've been on why he sounded the way he did.

"I'm here, Kaworu. Are you hurt somewhere? Did something happen?" Shinji asked, heart racing in panic as he tried to sound as calm as possible.

"I'll be okay. Just give me a minute." Kaworu's form trembled and curled up into himself further. "I'm sorr—"

"There's nothing to apologise for," he said, softly. It wasn't the first time Kaworu apologised for feeling down and vulnerable. He truly wished he didn't feel so guilty or ashamed for feeling the way he does. "Tell me what's wrong." Kaworu's sobs grew louder as he cried profusely, the sounds filling the entire room and bouncing off the walls in repetition that made Shinji's heart ache.

He wanted nothing more than to hold his beloved and to soothe him better and the moment he took a single step closer, an A.T. field suddenly appeared before him, stopping him from taking a step further. His eyes grew wide in shock as he gasped and nearly fell on his back trying to scurry away at the sight of it. It's been ages since he last saw one of them and upon touch, it was... warm. Not the furious hot like the A.T. fields he had touched before through his Eva, that burnt through the mech's skin but warm like Kaworu's touch. He had seen Kaworu's A.T. field many times before as the two had descended down into the Central Dogma at NERV. He didn't feel as fearful or as shocked as he was then. Things were completely different now and there aren't any Evangelions or higher entities involved. It was just them. This was just Kaworu's way of putting a wall between them. It was he who called A.T. fields to be the inner walls from the soul which none can violate and the comforting warmth of said extension of his soul told him how he didn't raise it to mean any harm. This was no different from him pushing him away like he did before so Shinji couldn't care less of how he did it as long as he was alright.

Kaworu quickly pulled the blanket away from himself to sit up and check on Shinji, dropping the A.T. field in an instant. It caught Shinji off guard to be met with four pairs of glowing red eyes than his usual single pair. Pupils moved in sync as the worry they held turned to wide-eyed panic, looking back and forth between Shinji and anywhere else before covering his face with his hands, hiding the pair of eyes above his usual pair and the two below them, his breathing getting more and more ragged by the second.

"Don't look at me!" Kaworu screamed, voice so high it nearly came off like the pained shriek Shinji heard from Ramiel but not as ear-splittingly loud. The pitch went back down to the echoing voice as he cried into his hands. All the lifetimes he had spent with Kaworu, he never saw the angel wear such a terrified expression before.

He could see the core rhythmically glowed red from under his torn up shirt picking up its pace from everything that he was feeling. His own heart raced upon seeing the two pairs of large white wings behind him. White wings with parts covered in red. He became aware of the bloodied feathers on the floor and on the sheets, darker than the crimson scars over his wings and blood smeared over Kaworu's hands and his chest. Shinji's hands began trembling at the sight, his ears only picking up the loudness of his speeding heart at that moment. Should he call for paramedics? Would Kaworu want that when he's shaken like this? But he's hurt—

"Kaworu—"

"I'm so sorry, Shinji. I didn't mean to— I—" His lips trembling as he spoke, barely getting words out as he choked and gasped on his words, coming more out like sobs and rambling apologies paired with the echo. His wings wrapped tightly around his curled up form protectively when Shinji tried to get closer, holding his head low and hugging his knees close to his chest. His hands moved around in a frenzy before grabbing at his own hair when his breathing became more ragged and shorter, all eight of his eyes squeezed shut as he panted desperately for air.

"Kaworu? Kaworu, I want you to breathe with me, dear," Shinji said, quickly moving closer to him and kneeling down by the edge of the bed. "Slowly, alright?"

"I scared you," Kaworu rasped, his voice barely coming out.

"You didn't scare me. I'm fine—"

"I'm scaring you again," he sobbed harder, voice echoing more and bouncing the walls in repetition which made Shinji's heart ache more from his words as it kept ringing in his ears.

He mustn't have wanted Shinji to see him like this, especially when he is so vulnerable like this. Shinji was about to reach out to move a few of the feathers aside to get to see him and before he knew it, Kaworu began hyperventilating. Shinji was no stranger to panic attacks and he began to think this was one of them. His wings loosened its cocoon and Kaworu began to desperately grab around him as if searching for something before his fists curled tightly into his own hair once more. Shinji quickly reached out his hands to take it in his, the dried up blood on his hands feeling crusty in Shinji's. The angel squeezed it tightly as if to keep himself grounded in the moment.

"It's alright. Just breathe with me now. In… and out…" he said, copying the same words Kaworu would use with him in a moment like this. Kaworu inhaled weakly, holding his breath and let out a trembling exhale upon Shinji's words with a pathetic sob. "That’s it. You're doing so well. Let's do that one more time, hm? In… and out."

Shinji began to feel helpless at that moment. How could he have left for work this morning when he noticed how down Kaworu seemed? How could he have left him to suffer the pain all alone?

Kaworu's breathing grew less unsteady with each breath he took and let out. "You did great, dear."

Still trembling, he loosened his hold on Shinji's hands and grimaced with his head held down. "I relapsed, didn't I?" Kaworu croaked, voice hoarse from crying, the repetition of his voice lesser and quieter. Shinji opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. It pained him that he didn't know what to say to comfort him. "Shinji, I'm so sorry."

"You have nothing to apologise for," he said once again.

Tears began to well up on the corners of his eyes. "I used my A.T. field on you—"

"It's fine—"

"And— and I—" He let go of Shinji's hands to cover his face once again "—I'm scaring you. Y–You're scared of angels and I took my form on our— our home of all places. I never wanted you to see me like this."

"Kaworu, I wouldn't have chosen to stay by your side if I was afraid of you," Shinji assured, voice soft yet firm, hoping to get his feelings through to him, "and I say this when I've seen all of what you are capable of. Nothing you do is going to change my mind from that." Tired crimson eyes peered between his fingers and Shinji smiled at him. "I'm not going anywhere."

Kaworu closed his eyes when his tears threatened to fall and exhaled shakily. He stayed beside him until he was able to breathe better but the thick scent of blood in the room made it greatly difficult for him to do it himself.

"I'm going to grab the first aid kit real quick. I'll be back, alright?" Shinji gave him a reassuring smile to which Kaworu gave a tired nod.

The man began running to the kitchen the moment he walked past the bedroom door. He noticed his own hands still trembling when he pulled the cabinet drawer with a first aid box. No, he has to stay strong for him. He has to. Shinji was quick to go right back to the bedroom with the box in hand. Kaworu sat staring blankly at the floor almost as if he's taking in the sight of the feathers he ripped out of himself. His eyes lost, unfocused and dim, lifeless almost. Shinji pushed that thought aside almost immediately and kneeled down to Kaworu's line of gaze. The urge to ask him about what he was feeling remained on his tongue unvoiced. He needed tending and comfort, not an interrogation so that's what he will provide.

"How about we get you cleaned up before we patch the wounds up, hm?" Shinji said, smiling softly at him.

Shinji's heart stinged when he looked away with a pained expression but eventually, he let out a soft hum of consent. Shinji gave Kaworu's hand a squeeze and let him use it to pull himself up, staying close to Shinji as he guided him to the bathroom. He shouldn't stay in a room filled with reminders of what had happened. He looked into Shinji's eyes closely, when Shinji asked if he could take his clothes off, to which Kaworu wordlessly began to remove. He struggled with his shirt untangled between his wing as his eyes watered again.

"Let me," Shinji said, setting the kit down and grabbing a pair of scissors to cut the clothes off his body.

He helped the angel strip down his bloodstained sweatpants and his underwear. Kaworu stepped out from the clothing at his feet and let himself be guided into sitting in the bathtub. Shinji could tell how unfocused he was from how he slumped against the tub's side with his head resting on the wall. "Is it alright if I touch you, dear?" he asked, after he took the showerhead in hand. Kaworu hummed in a tired low voice once again, his eyes a blank stare into nothing. "Answer me, Kaworu…" he urged softly, wanting him to use his words for this.

"It's okay," he said, voice as low as a whisper, the echo now gone.

Shinji asked if he should get taken to the hospital to get treated, worried about whether the wounds were deep or not. Kaworu quietly mumbled his wounds would heal quicker and wouldn't get infected in response, also explaining how he wouldn't be able to retract his wings for a while before they stopped talking once again.

"This might sting a little," he warned, turning on the showerhead at a low pressure, testing the temperature of the water on his own hand before he took Kaworu's hand and moved the stream over the scratched lines over his forearm before moving it up to his shoulder. 

He didn't flinch away from the contact but Shinji knew he felt the pain. His nails were stained crimson from clawing into his arms and wings and Shinji took no time to wash it off of them. The amethyst of his silver wedding band too was covered like the rest of it but when he tried to take it off, Kaworu simply curled his hand into a loose fist, Shinji deciding to make no further effort and simply wiped down its exterior with the water and soap. Kaworu had his face turned to the wall all the while, in a way that Shinji couldn't see what expression he was holding. The scent of blood that filled the closed room began to suffocate Shinji as if the walls were closing in on the two of them. He remembered that scent. He remembered the sight.

This wasn't the first time he saw Kaworu covered in his own blood.

Shinji grit his teeth and held the showerhead more firmly as he washed away the dried up blood off his torso and his hair while also trying to wipe away the image of the angel's headless blood-stained torso seated at the entry plug off his mind.

The loud silence ensued even as Shinji carefully dabbed his body and his wings dry and bandaged the wounds. He had a particularly tough time with the wings. It shook him to his core when more feathers fell more off from its base. Was it natural to shed like that or were they already pulled out by Kaworu? Regardless, he managed to get the wounds of all four of his wings to stop the bleeding and treated them well with disinfectant, even though Kaworu said he didn't need it back there. The pungent scent made him feel more at ease and also brought a sense of security just in case Kaworu does get affected. 

He looked at Kaworu once again, who still faced the tiled walls of the bathroom, his hands around himself all curled up in the seat of the bath. What had gotten his love so shaken up that he wouldn't even look at him in the eyes?

"Kaworu?" Shinji tried, sounding as soft as he could muster. When Shinji placed his hand over his once again, the angel inhaled from his mouth harshly and let out a broken whimper as he exhaled, remaining quiet as more tears streamed down his face and he took his hand in his. He pressed his forehead further into the cold tiled wall. "Does it still hurt?" Shinji asked, cursing at himself internally once again even asking such a stupid question. Of course it would hurt. What was he thinking? When Kaworu nodded at the question, Shinji inspected the bandages once again. "Any tight ones? All good?" He nodded his head. Shinji put a towel on his head and gently dried his hair off. "You're doing great, Kaworu."

"Am I?" Kaworu asked, unconvinced.

"No doubt about it.”

He was silent once more before whispering, "Thank you… for not leaving me."

"I would never leave you, dear." His thumb caressed the silver band around Kaworu's finger. "I already made that promise, didn't I?"

Hesitantly, fearing that Kaworu might pull away, he decided to press a quick, soft kiss over his ring and that was all it took for Kaworu to turn to look at him after what was probably hours. The tightness of Shinji's heart loosened as eight crimson eyes watched him anxiously, his hand rose to caress Shinji's weakly smiling face. His ironclad expression broke into a saddened one before he clinged on to Shinji tightly in an embrace. Shinji wrapped his arms around his angel's shoulders instantly, pursing his lips tightly and holding back his own emotions as to let a hand caress back and forth Kaworu's nape in an attempt to soothe him. All four of his torn and bandaged wings wrapped around them as Shinji felt his shoulder dampen from his beloved's tears.

"It's okay," he repeated over and over as he let him cry his heart out and it took all of him to not break down himself upon witnessing his lover's broken cries.

Kaworu was slumping against the bathtub wall and Shinji's body by the time he quieted down. He took in deep breaths tiredly a couple of times as he was taught in therapy but his hold around Shinji was still tight as if he feared him letting go.

"Do you want something to eat? I could whip up something really quick if you want," Shinji asked, his hand caressing up and down his side slowly, to which Kaworu shook his head. "Water maybe?"

"Aren't you hungry?" Kaworu mumbled into his shoulder.

"You don't have to worry about that," Shinji replied, pulling away slightly to let his fingers comb through Kaworu's wet hair.

"No, you need to eat something."

Shinji didn't want to argue any further knowing how stubborn he can be about Shinji having meals on time. "Alright. You will keep me company, won't you?" he asked, not wanting Kaworu to go back to their room. Not until it was cleaned up.

Kaworu gave him a short nod and a hum, holding his husband tighter when Shinji pressed a soft kiss over his shoulder. Shinji waited patiently as he let Kaworu dress up, using the time to move his bloodied clothes away from his line of sight by quickly moving to drop them on the bedroom floor and closing the door behind him, before going back to him. Kaworu sat down by the couch, shirtless since he couldn't wear it because of his wings, as Shinji heated up his dinner, grabbing more than his usual fill in case Kaworu changed his mind. He should clean the bedroom after he is done. How does one even wash blood off clothes? He should probably look it up.

His heart broke when Kaworu kept inspecting the bandages around his wrists with a furrow at his eyebrows. Shinji inhaled shakily as quietly as he could and drank a glass of water to hold himself together. It was alright. Kaworu was alright. They were going to be fine.

But Shinji could have lost him again.

"Y–You know what Mari-san brought for lunch today?" he began quickly, to distract himself and to get Kaworu's attention away from his wrists, his hands shaking as he shut the microwave to heat up yesterday's dinner. "She made ramen but it turned out to have a really spicy sauce packet because she didn't look up the flavour when she bought it. My guess is that it was the Korean brand you told me about." Kaworu's gaze shifted to meet Shinji's and that made him feel a little more at ease in his heart when he continued, adding a weak chuckle as he said, "You should've seen her face when the spice kicked in. She downed her entire bottle of water and—"

"Shinji."

"—then drank all from mine too without even asking—"

"Shinji " His voice was louder this time and it made his words die in his mouth instantly.

"Hm? Something wrong? Are you alright?"

"You're crying."

Shinji's eyes widened in shock upon realization. Kaworu's expression had transformed to a worried one. No, no, no, no! Not now! He's messing everything up again. Not when Kaworu was just starting to feel alright. He instantly turned his back towards him to quickly wipe away his tears, gritting his teeth in frustration from how they just wouldn't stop falling. When a familiar pair of arms wrapped around him from behind, a whimper escaped from trying to hold back a sob behind his hand as the scent of his beloved's blood mixed with the smell of his flowery soap and antiseptic enveloped him once more. He didn't want to see the pain he was causing Kaworu but that didn't stop him from turning around to hold him properly. Wings wrapped around the two of them protectively when his knees gave out, the husbands clinging on to each other tightly as Kaworu slowly set the two on the floor.

"I don't want to lose you again," he sobbed, words barely getting out but loud enough for Kaworu to hear.

He felt his arms and his damaged feathers cocoon them even closer and his shoulders dampening once again as Kaworu pressed his face over it. Regret consumed him whole for saying what he did and making him cry again.

He was the absolute worst.

He couldn't sleep. Kaworu's face was pressed against his chest as he snored away softly, his hands under Shinji's shirt to keep warm as he wrapped his arms around his waist. The couch wasn't the best place to sleep and Kaworu on top of him and his large wings around them didn't make it easier to doze off from how hot Shinji was feeling. Nonetheless, he was glad Kaworu was able to sleep. He needed it after everything he went through.

Shinji yawned quietly as he thought about how he still had to clean the bedroom. Was it morning already? What was even the time? The room was still dim with only the living room lamp lit. It only made Shinji not want to leave the couch even more. When Kaworu groaned and snuggled closer on top of Shinji, his wings shook a little. It stopped momentarily before shaking again as if trying to get something off of them. With a tilt of his head, he noticed Kaworu looking at his wings as he moved them, his eyes widening when they met Shinji's.

"Here I thought you were flying in your sleep," Shinji said with a little smile.

Kaworu's gaze softened with worry. "Did I wake you?" he asked, his voice a whisper.

"No… I woke up a while ago." Shinji tapped his fingertip on Kaworu's nose as if to tease the fact that Kaworu was going to apologize again just then. His eyebrows furrowed again as he pulled himself up with his arms to get a better view of his wings. "What's wrong?"

"Move your leg," Kaworu said, tapping Shinji’s left thigh which sandwiched the end of one of his lower wings against the coach.

"Ah, sorry." Shinji did as was told and Kaworu came back into his arms again with a relaxed exhale. Blue eyes watched in awe as the pale wings flapped open and slowly lowered over the two of them. "Your wings…" he began slowly and Kaworu hummed in question. "Does floating feel different than flying?"

"Flying is more work," Kaworu mumbled against his shoulder.

"Oh."

"Haven't flown in ages. Not fond of it."

"And there's not a day where you wouldn’t float around," Shinji remarked with a laugh, happy that it got a slight smile from Kaworu.

"Walking is boring," Kaworu groaned, pressing his face further into Shinji's shoulder. "Placing one foot forward at a time… it's so plain and mediocre."

"I suppose so." Shinji traced the arch of Kaworu's nose when he lifted his head to rest his chin on him, closing his eyes when his fingers buried themselves into his scalp. "I think I could say the same as well. Floating is fun. Especially when you have the great company in your arms and something to dance to."

Kaworu smiled fondly at the memory. "That was a fun night.”

"I think so too." Shinji chuckled. "I'm still not letting you off on that flower vase though."

"I blame the husband who had me in a trance then."

"Dork," Shinji scoffed dramatically, earning a chuckle from Kaworu, just like he wanted.

A silence ensued as Kaworu let Shinji's fingers massage his scalp lightly, his eyes fluttering close with a satisfied hum as he turned to nuzzle at Shinji's wrist.

"Kaworu?"

His lips brushed at his skin as he sighed against it.

"Kaworu."

Teeth teased his thin skin before gently taking it between them but not to bite.

" Kaworu, " Shinji sing-songed with a chuckle. Four pairs of eyes opened with a frown. Shinji hoped to soften his frown by brushing his hair away from his face and letting him cup his face. "Would you like to talk about it?"

He winced at his question and took a moment to contemplate. "No…" he whispered.

"Okay. You know I'm here for you, right?"

"Yeah," he mumbled, eyes away from him.

Craning his neck forward, Shinji planted a kiss over Kaworu's forehead, pulling away slightly to give him a soft smile. He pressed another kiss to his cheek and to his nose, earning a smile back as his hands squished Kaworu's cheeks between his hands. Kaworu shuffled to prop himself upwards, his wings moving to give himself more space before gently locking his lips with Shinji's. With a satisfied exhale, Shinji's hands carefully found a spot to rest over Kaworu's back. The shuffling noises of his feathers grew when his hands caressed next to the base of where one of his wings emerged and before he knew it, he could taste Kaworu on his tongue and they found themselves in a slow dance with their mouths.

He kissed him back, sweet and tender, wanting nothing more than Kaworu feeling better, hoping he could feel comforted, even for a bit, in what they shared. He drank in the sweet sighs and hums that escaped Kaworu's lips, practically tasting it as his tongue tried to elicit more. It made him wonder how long had it been since they shared something like this and realize how he was longing for this.

Kaworu broke the kiss to nuzzle up the side of Shinji's neck, his hot breath tickling his skin as he whispered, "Since when did you stop caring about morning breaths, hm?"

Shinji laughed heartily at the question, "Quite the angel you are, tricking me into things."

He felt Kaworu smile against his neck, his angel too occupied in kissing his beloved's skin to respond. His hands traveled up under Shinji's shirt again and when he lifted his arms, he was able to pull it up and off of him, before tossing it onto the coffee table. Shinji's hands held Kaworu's sides as he continued where he left off, letting him kiss over his newly exposed skin as he gazed upon his wings in awe.

"Don't even think about it," Shinji chided playfully when Kaworu's hand began to tease the waistband of his pants, earning an overly exaggerated sigh from him before moving his hand away and a breathy laugh which he gave in return.

"Come on… It's been a while, no?" Kaworu asked, nuzzling at his chest before planting a kiss at his sternum. 

"I know…" Shinji would be lying if he said he didn't want to but the reason why it had been a while still persisted between them. Not to mention how it wasn't like Kaworu to suggest it when in a down mood. Something in his words held a spark of pain of sorts which Shinji didn't want to fan. "Not now."

A hand caressed Kaworu's face. He frowned when Shinji's thumb caressed the puffy redness of the rim of his lower most set of eyes, pursing his lips when the finger brushed his eyelashes. He pulled his neck back to get away from his hand, closing three pairs of his eyes tightly, with his usual pair averted. With an annoyed click of his tongue, he opened them all again and sighed in defeat.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't make them go back again," he exhaled.

"Oh." When Kaworu tried again and failed a second time, he clicked his tongue once again and clenched his jaw. "I didn’t say ‘no’ because of your eyes, alright?" he clarified.

"Whatever," Kaworu said, his tone unconvinced before continuing with genuinity. "You don't need to explain yourself for not wanting to. It's too early anyway. Even for morning sex."

If Shinji was being completely honest, he didn't know where to look. It was obvious that Kaworu noticed that by now. It would also explain why he wouldn’t meet his eyes. Was that why he craved his touch so? To check if Shinji was uncomfortable with him?

"Could you check the time?"

"Why? It's the weekend…" Kaworu mumbled. When Shinji didn't respond to that, he exhaled through the nose and rested his head back on Shinji’s chest, and the next thing Shinji knew, his phone floated its way from the kitchen and into Shinji's waiting hand. Shinji caressed Kaworu's side gently and kissed the top of his head in gratitude before turning on his phone. It was four in the morning. That explained the darkness outside.

"Yeah, it's still early," Shinji said, placing his phone on the coffee table. "Are you going back to sleep?"

"Are you?"

Shinji lightly pinched Kaworu's waist, making him flinch on top of him, his wings jerking along with it. "Quit answering my question with another question and tell me."

Kaworu let out a breathy chuckle before humming in thought. "I don't know. Have a lot on my mind," he mumbled. "Everything seems clearer now for some reason. The silence of everything… and my mind is quieter." Shinji watched Kaworu's eyes follow his own hand as his thumb drew lazy curves on his chest. "My abilities are limited for the time being. Lots of emotions all at once makes me… powerless, for the lack of a better word." He paused to take a deep breath and Shinji waited patiently, entwining his fingers with Kaworu's. "It had always been a gnawing fear of mine, you know? Among the many things that were present in our lives and all the things that'd happen, the one thing that made me the most anxious was wondering when Adam would call. Every angel should obey their maker and… die trying like my siblings. I was able to stick on longer because I was the Angel of Free Will," He let out a wet unhumorous laugh before continuing, he spat, "or whatever the hell that meant. 

Every single time, he'd call for me and I'd have to go. The call marks my death of that lifetime. That was why I'd leave you to go to the Dogma so out of the blue. To be honest, the call is barely even a call. If anything, it’s like this terrible sensation, like a constant itch or ripping scratchings that tear up your very mind and soul. You just want it to end somehow, even if it means bashing your brain in to shut it off. It begins for a while when I turn twelve. You know how I told you I could hear strange things that made me... react then?" Shinji nodded slowly, understanding what his words implied and remembered the time he saw a younger version of him with bandages around his wrist like he did now. "I think it was the same call. Like he was trying to remind me what I should do and how I should make humanity pay for their sins." It also explained why Kaworu chose Shinji to take his life instead. His love and fascination for humanity turned him away from what he was fated to do. His final act in every single one of his life, he chose with the final ounce of the very thing he represents. Free will. To die by the hands of his beloved and to let humanity live to see another lifetime, every single time. "I had forgotten all about it. From the busyness of everything and all the joys of this lifetime. It is everything I've ever wanted. Being able to live a life of my choosing, a life with so much light, music and having you and many great people by my side… It all feels too good to be true. It feels so surreal. Like it was just a cruel dream my mind is playing and the next second, he would call for me again and I'd end up ruining everything for everyone all over again. How utterly absurd I am. There was no call and I ended up doing the same anyway." He paused for a moment and let out a dry laugh. "Wow, quite a load for your question there… Sorry."

"Kaworu…" Shinji cupped his face to lift his gaze to him, all of them teary-eyed once again and averted to the side in shame. "You didn't ruin anything. Not then, not now." His hand holding Kaworu's squeezed in reassurance. "You are so strong, Kaworu. I know you were trying to hold it all in but you don't have to do that anymore. It's alright to feel powerless at times."

Kaworu pressed his cheek further into Shinji's hand, his eyes closed and brows knitting in a furrow. "I hurt you though. Yelled at you, screamed at you, pushed you away…"

"Like I was any better. I have had bad days where I did the same to you too, didn't I?" Kaworu was silent so he continued, "If you're thinking about the A.T. field, don't tell me I haven’t pushed you away before. I even got close to punching you one time, remember that?" He knew he remembered. It had been the lifetime where Kaworu held a kind of resentment towards Rei for grabbing most of Shinji's attention. "And what was it that you always kept saying? Walls of the soul and what not. So it's all fine, okay?"

"You remember that," Kaworu said softly.

Shinji chuckled and playfully flicked Kaworu lightly on the forehead, making him glare half-heartedly at him. "No shit, Sherlock. I quite literally wrote this world with everything in mind. There's nothing I'm going to forget this time," he remarked sarcastically, smiling when he got a laugh out of him. Shinji noticed how Kaworu was finally meeting his eyes now, more confident than his embarrassed gaze. When Shinji’s hands cupped his face, his expression melted into a softer one, leaning into his touch, his lips wearing a little smile as Shinji mirrored it with warmth. "There you are."

"Hello," Kaworu chimed, letting out another laugh when Shinji giggled.

"Hey, you…" he replied back with a fond sigh before leaning forward to plant a kiss on his forehead. "Do you feel better now?"

"Yeah… my wings still hurt but I feel more at ease than before. I feel terrible though."

"Why?"

His smile faded but the expression he held was what Shinji would describe to be somber, like he's deep in thought about something. "I didn't think I'd relapse over this… I haven't in years and I just…" Kaworu was silent for a moment before raising a hand to wipe away a tear off his cheek with a sniffle. "I was clean and now…" Kaworu looked at Shinji again with a sense of urgency. "I wasn't trying to leave you or anything," he said, the desperation growing in his voice, sending a heaviness to Shinji's heart. "That wasn't why I…"

Shinji shook his head and sat up to hold Kaworu in his arms again. "You don't need to explain yourself for feeling down about something," Shinji said softly, holding Kaworu's hands in his and his gaze firmly. "It's alright. You did nothing wrong." Shinji couldn't say the same about himself for making Kaworu say that though. "You did nothing wrong."

There was a sheen of tears in his eyes again as his trembling lips spoke, "What would I do without you?"

"You will live just as okay and happy as you are now because you're the strongest person I know," Shinji said, meaning every word and watching Kaworu hold his hand tighter as he smiled wetly at him, before leaning forward to have Shinji in his arms again. Shinji held him through the momentary silence, basking in Kaworu's warmth and soothingly caressing his hair.

He waited for Kaworu to finish yawning before asking, "Sleepy?"

"Yeah… I guess I'll sleep after all." Kaworu pressed his cheek on to his shoulder and closed his eyes.

"Want me to grab a glass of water or maybe a cup of tea or coffee for you before that?" 

"It's on the way."

"Huh?"

A tall glass of water floated its way from the kitchen and that made Shinji's heart race in panic to see the glass float eventhough how steady Kaworu moved it with his abilities, he was able to feel relieved once Kaworu took it to drink it. He drank it halfway and offered some to Shinji who shook his head with a smile. 

"You look cute when you're anxious about seeing things afloat," he said with a small smile, making Shinji wonder what face he was making to get that comment, "and you said you were used to it."

"I am but not when they're fragile objects like glass. It's mostly instinctive, I think. Something off-putting about glass in dangerous positions." He pressed his index finger to Kaworu's forehead, accusingly, after he drank the rest of the water and set the empty glass on the coffee table. "Like how you always keep them on the edge of surfaces." Shinji glanced to the side when he heard the noise of glass scraping against the wood of the table, only to see the glass further in the middle of the table than it was before.

"No clue what you're talking about," Kaworu said, smiling innocently when Shinji playfully rolled his eyes at him. "We'll talk more in the morning?"

"Of course, dear."

"Are you going to sleep as well?"

"I feel fully rested already. I don't think I'll fall asleep even if I tried," Shinji said, a little white lie to not get Kaworu worried. "I'll stay until you're asleep, how's that?"

He let Kaworu use his lap as a pillow, his angel lying on his side as his wings curled up behind him, before one of them wrapped over his figure like a make-shift blanket. There were more feathers than last night, Shinji noticed, he figured they grew back when they were both asleep. Shinji slowly moved the coffee table with his foot to give them more space and let his fingers card through Kaworu's ashen hair soothingly. It didn't take long for Kaworu to fall asleep. After a few more moments, Shinji lifted his head gently, replacing his lap with the sofa cushion when he stood up. To his fortune, Kaworu didn't seem to have noticed and that gave him the chance to make his way to their bedroom. 

Shinji took a deep breath by the door before opening it as quietly as possible. He quickly stuffed an earphone to one of his ear, keeping his focus solely on the music as he gathered up the bloodied sheets, pillow covers and clothes from the room to put them into the washing machine, hoping it'll do the trick, while humming along quietly to the music at times when things felt overwhelming for him and taking breaks from time to time to collect himself. His lack of sleep was getting to him by the time he was scrubbing the blood off the mattress, sweeping up the feathers and mopping the floors. He plopped on bed with the air freshener he used in the room still in hand, sighing deeply in relief that he was finally done. When he turned the music off, he felt tears streamed down the side of his face before he fell right to sleep.

By the time he woke up, the sun had risen to shine over his face. With a scrunched nose, he woke up and rubbed his eyes, before continuing where he left off and placing a fresh set of sheets over the bed. He heard Kaworu talking to someone and he prayed that it wasn't a guest first thing in the morning to ruin their weekend (to be more specific, Kensuke, the perfect morning bird that he was). Shinji peaked from the bedroom door to see Kaworu was simply in a call. Phew, it was a good morning after all. He wondered who he was talking to when he brushed his teeth and by the time he was out, Kaworu was done and lying down on his front on the couch.

"Good morning," Kaworu told Shinji, when he entered the living room.

"Morning," Shinji groaned as he sat across Kaworu on the single couch, rubbing his eyes to wake himself up. "How are you feeling?"

"I booked an appointment for tomorrow."

"Oh." Shinji turned to Kaworu, only to see a single pair of eyes on his face, still having a gloss of pain behind them. "Same doctor as before?"

"Yes."

"That's great, Kaworu," Shinji said, smiling warmly at him.

 "I should be able to put away my wings by then."

His eyes fell on the wings once again, taking in the sight of it looking lush and preened than it did a few hours ago. "They're really pretty by the way… your wings. Very swan-like."

"This must have been your first time seeing them, huh? Quite the comparison there."

“Should I have called it ‘angelic’ instead?” Kaworu rolled his eyes. "Only problem is that it covers that fine ass of yours," Shinji said with an exaggeratedly sad sigh. "Oh, what shall I ever do now that I can’t admire its beauty?"

"Suffer as I continue to keep it covered," Kaworu chuckled, covering himself further with his wings. 

When Shinji uttered a sad, elongated "No..." Kaworu simply let out another laugh. "Breakfast?"

"Okay."

The husbands made their way to the kitchen. Shinji only let Kaworu sit on the stool with the cup of his favourite tea as he prepared rice, sausages and eggs. Kaworu was quiet throughout, his head resting over the kitchen counter as he watched Shinji scurry around to prepare their meal. He gave little smiles each time Shinji ruffled his hair gently or pinched his cheek while passing by. They ate quietly straight out of the pans and cooker to avoid doing more dishes, a trick they mastered and practiced every morning to avoid being late for work.

"Out of ketchup," Kaworu mumbled as he shook the ketchup bottle upside down over his eggs and only got a few drops out of it.

"I wrote it on the shopping list already," Shinji said with a mouth full of rice. "Thought we could go shopping today or tomorrow or something."

"Okay."

Snuggling up on the couch after breakfast made them tired somehow, like it was the recipe of a sleeping spell. They stayed where they were as they ordered take out for lunch, talking about Kaworu's plan for work, about Mari and the noodle incident from yesterday and about how Shinji keeps forgetting to write down mint chocolate chip ice cream in his shopping list for Kaworu. They had takeout by the couch too, Shinji enthusiastically taking the moment to light up one of Kaworu’s scented candles, making Kaworu bark out a hearty laugh. The candle burnt itself out as they continued to talk over lunch, Shinji listening quietly as Kaworu spoke about himself and what he was feeling. There were still instances where Kaworu would put up his defenses but as long as he felt comfortable and alright, Shinji didn’t mind.

Shinji held him close that night. Not close enough, he thought. He wanted to keep him safe deep within his heart and away from everything that was hurting him. His hand caressed up and down his back, his wings now gone. He pressed his lips firmly to his ashen hair and squeezed his eyes shut. His chest tightened with worry for his angel but deep down, he knew he was going to be alright. He knew he would push through one step at a time, as “plain and mediocre” it may seem to him. He knew he was going to smile brightly again and feel better under his own skin. He prayed to all the powers of the world to give him the strength to keep moving but even if there is no answer, he knew for certain that he would be by Kaworu’s side, every step of the way.