Archive of Our Own ^beta

If Sam knew about the shooting pains cascading through his body that would inevitably happen to him, he would never consider doing what he did ever again. 

If only he had a second chance to make things change; give himself a different - a better - outcome. He knew the consequences, but most definitely not how dire they would be. He would never think his vision would blur as he took in the view of his ceiling for a final time; that the spider that always resided there would look down on him. If Sam's brain wasn't feeling so under water, he'd spare a thought for what the spider must be thinking upon witnessing such a horrific scene.

Sam sat on the edge of his bed, spinning the tigerseye ring on his finger, given to him by Sebastian. A small, fond smile graced his lips at the memory of recieving that gift as a 1st anniversary gift from him. The smile masked a deepening sense of dread which formed a slightly uncomfortable feeling in his stomach. 

He breathed in and out; slow and steady. Sebastian taught him how to help cope whenever he became too overwhelmed or distressed. In for four seconds... hold for four seconds, out for four seconds... rest for four seconds... Repeat. He hadn't noticed his hand was shaking until he nearly dropped the ring he'd set his focus on fidgeting with. He couldn't run away from this anymore. He needed to tell his mother about him and Sebastian, or else it simply wasn't fair on Sebastian. 

After a few more minutes of practiced breathing, he slowly stood himself up. He slid his phone in to his pocket and left his room. Vincent was out with Penny and Jas, so he wouldn't bear witness to any scene he may find upsetting if his mother didn't approve. 

Sam doubted it would be necessary. Sure, maybe she would be disappointed, maybe even yell a bit, shed a tear, but violence? If Sam knew his mother, then he knew she surely wouldn't do such a thing. Besides, if all goes well, he can tell his father as soon as he returns from deployment.

"Hey, mum?" Sam asked, eyes falling upon a woman who was washing up some plates. 

"Oh. Yes, dear, what is it?" She asked softly, not turning away from her chores.

"...can we talk, please?" Sam answered his mother's question. That seemed more important to Jodi, as she turned off the tap and set downnthe plates she was cleaning. She ventured toward her son, eyes picking up on the subtle tremors of his hands.

"Of course, sweetheart." She sat herself down on the sofa, eyebrows furrowing in concern, as she watched her son follow suit and sit next to her. "What's the matter?" She asked, prompting Sam to say whatever was on his mind. She couldn't help but possibly wonder what could possibly be evoking such a reaction from her firstborn. 

Sam's saliva felt extra thick as he tried to swallow it down along with his nerves. The was really happening, and he knew he couldn't back down. This was it... "To tell you the truth, mum.." he started, trying to speak through a stutter which trapped his words down his throat. Sam sometimes stuttered, and he found it beyond frustrating. This was especially the case at work. Shane wouldn't make fun of him, necessarily, that man was too miserable to take that much pleasure in other people's frustration, but Sam's brain always convinced him this was not the case. He sighed. He was letting his mind stray, whether Shane cared about his stutter or not would not help him in his current situation, so he pushed forward. "I've been going out with someone for a while now." He said softly, slowly gazing up to see her reaction.

"Oh? What's she like?" Jodi immediately asked, "do I know her? Why on Earth would you possibly wait to tell me such an exciting thing? My baby is growing up." Jodi exclaimed in excitement, hey eyes lighting up as her mind ran with possibilities.

Sam nearly made up a lie; creating a makeshift girlfriend just so that he wasn't the reason he put out the flames of excitement in Jodi's eyes. However, he knew he couldn't do that. Sam knew he would have to possibly be the reason those flames extinguish again. "Because, mum," Sam started again, looking away, "she's not what you would expect." He tried to keep his voice steady, despite the fear and panic slowly beginning to overtake him.

"However so? Does she have a weird hobby? An interesting look about her? An unreasonable amount of piercings?" Jodi kept a close eye on her son 

Sam knew the piercings question was a jab at him. Jodi wasn't exactly the biggest fan of the various piercings Sam had, and she most definitely didn't keep it hidden. Remembering this suddenly made it much harder to speak. "She is a man, mum." Yoba, he actually said it. "I've been dating a man these past few years, and I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you, I've just been so worried that y-" his stuttering, strained voice, was cut off by a hand. 

Sam looked up at his mother, seeing her hold up a hand to halt his speaking. "My son..." She started slowly, her eyes now lacking the flame they once harboured. "My son is a faggot?" She uttered in disbelief.

Sam's breath completely left him. He saw her eyes, he heard her poor choice of words. This was exactly the reason he made sure Vincent was gone. "Yes, but, m-" he was cut off once again by the hand.

"After all Yoba has taught you..." She whispered, her eyes now wet with tears, "you still chose to stray from his loving guidance? How could you betray him like this?" Her voice sounded painful. Sam couldn't help but feel guilty for the emotions he'd caused his mother to feel. He felt so guilty, he began to convince himself that he was in the wrong despite all those conversations he'd had with Sebastian about that very topic and getting him out of his negative mind set. 

"I'm sor-" rather than being interrupted by a hand, his voice was cut off by Jodi's raised voice. 

"How could Yoba ever forgive you for such an act of horror!? How could I ever forgive you?" She sounded so betrayed, so let down, so disappointed.

Sam felt his heart begin to break in his chest, a deep, sinking feeling with occasional pangs of pure agony seeping through his very being.

She raised herself from the sofa. "I speak to Yoba every night." She spoke, voice now adopting a softer tone, "I always tell him how proud I am of you. Whatever am I to say to him now?" A few tears dripped down her face. "However can I prosper in the afterlife with the likes of you staining my very being?" Her voice was almost wild now.

Sam felt scared. When he gazed in to his mother's eyes, he always felt home. He remembered when he was terrified of a plane trip once, and a simple look in his mother's eyes gave him the comfort he needed until the plane was on solid ground. Now? He felt like he could never be at home with those eyes again.

Jodi continued to talk, her voice shaking, her hands gesticulating wildly. "I thought I raised you well, Samson? I thought I would never have a reason to doubt you! Of course, I doubted your piercings, your strange goal of becoming a musician, but Yoba guided me to the acceptance of such actions... But this? How can you ever expect me to see you the same way?" She walked back to the kitchen, walking past her now forgotten and unwashed plates. 

She heard Yoba's guidance clearly. She had to forcefully rid her life under Yoba clean of a now horrifically noticeable stain. She heard Yoba speak to her, recommend her next course of action for a chance at a happy after life. Her fingers curled around the cool handle of a kitchen knife as it was slowly pulled out of its holder. 

"Mum?" Sam whispered in disbelief. Sam could only pray this was a nightmare of sorts, as he eyed the knife now residing in his mother's hand with caution.

"Samson, you have hurt me and Yoba deeply. You have hurt this family deeply." Jodi approached her son, "you must understand I'm doing what's best for the family. You must understand I'm doing this so that our family can live their lives happily. You understand, don't you son? Yoba has made this decision and I've come to the conclusion he is correct. I cannot leave you to become a hindrance for the rest of this family. You want us all to be happy, don't you, Samson? You want Yoba to be happy, right?" She asked.

Sam felt overwhelmingly nauseated as he looked at his mother. His mother was a changed woman under a spell of extreme religious misguidance. He would have never imagined such a way this day could have planned out. His mind swam in shock, barely able to calculate as the knife came swinging toward him. He released a loud yell as he caught his mother's wrists, putting a halt to the approaching blade.

"Mum.." Sam choked, eyes wide with terror, and tremors attacked his whole body. His heart rate began to increase as the situation became more and more real when his fingers brushed against his mother's warm, soft skin, and the cold handle of the blade encased in them. "Please.." he barely managed to get the word out, voice failing him. He had never felt such a crushing emotion before. He wished he never did again.

Jodi narrowed her crazed eyes and yanked the knife back, causing Sam to gasp as the blade lacerated the palm of his hand. "Sam," Jodi uttered softly, "you must understand. This is Yoba's wish. Yoga is telling me what has to be done."

Sam backed away, ducking under another swing. He darted around the kitchen counter and attempted to retreat. Unfortunately, if Yoba really did exist out there, he genuinely did have an agenda against the young musician as the sole of his foot hit the toy car Vincent had left on the floor. The wheels moved underneath him. Sam would find his fall comical if he wasn't in such a desperate situation.

A sickening crack reached Sam's ears as the back of his head connected with the floor. Everything seemed to momentarily pause. His vision shut off for a split second, before slowly returning, containing black orbs dancing around and obscuring the lamp shade.

The back of his head felt wet, and a fuzzy figure loomed over him. He barely had any time before a knife came toward his eye. His shaking hands caught Jodi's hands one last time as sobs ripped through his through, "Mum!" He spoke as if he was a little child once more after a nightmare, "Mum, please." He choked, "please!" His voice bounced off the walls of the house as the desperation in his voice and of the situation increased. 

Jodi's voice temporarily softened, and the force in which she was pushing the knife ebbed away. 

Sam released a shaky sight, slowly lowering his guard, his hands loosening slightly over his mother's. 

A disgusting noise filled the room. The sound of a blade piercing an eye. Jodi looked back at her son, pushing down full force when her son began to believe she no longer posed a threat. As a blood curdling scream bounced off her ears, she felt shock begin to dull her senses a bit. She began to reassure herself this was for the sake of her family. This is what Yoba told her to do. 

Blood began to spurt from his punctured eye, sputtering over both of their faces in a gory display. Sam's voice shook, and sobs tore through his whole body. "Mum" he begged again, no other words managing to make it out of his mouth. The pain in his eye was excruciating, but he couldn't let that cloud his judgement yet. He had to get through to his mother before she finished him off. "What..." He coughed a bit, "what about Vincent..?" He strained, "what would he think?"

Jodi heard Yoba's voice speak to her. "He'll thank me when he gets to the age of understanding. Your father will thank me too, I am helping this family in their chances in the after life. You must understand me, baby. I doing all I can to help everyone." She whispered before she felt Sam's bloody palm rest on her cheek. 

Sam often did this when they had a deep talk. It wasn't very often, really. Jodi didn't allow herself to have deep conversations with her son, because in her eyes he was still a child. Whenever they had heart to hearts as adults, they were far and few in between, but Sam cherished them. He cherished every moment he felt like an adult; every moment he could comfort his mum and feel useful. He never thought he would ever look at her in a situation like this. 

Jodi felt the wet blood on her cheek as she looked down at her son, begging for his life and for her to consider how Kent and Vincent would feel. But she did, and that's all she ever did. Yoba helped her understand what her family needs, and she's happy to do that for him. Even if that means she had to watch her own son succumb to the knife in her hands

"Mum, you don't have to do this, okay? Please." Sam sobbed, breaths ragged in agony. "Please, I won't tell anyone ever again. I won't e- hk!" His voice was cut off and silenced but a sound produced by his throat in a moment of shock and pain. His operational eye was wide in shock, tears trickling down his face.His hands were instinctively cupping his mother's face. He coughed out some blood, breaths abrupt and shaky, not a single scream leaving his mouth even as the pain became even more unbearable. The cold metal inside his stomach felt unbelievable, he didn't understand why this was happening to him. 

The gasp that left his mouth as the blade that left his stomach was a horrifying sound. Jodi hated the way it sounded, but she heard Yoba's voice continue to make sure she eradicated her life from all sin. She needed to keep her family pure no matter the cost. Yoba understands her. Yoba supported her. With that drive, and the voice of Yoba helping her, she pushed the knife down again.

With the force of the stab, Sam's body moved. He still couldn't scream. Not a single sound left his mouth with each stab. Every last one sent shoots of pain through him.

His hand stayed firmly on his mother's cheek. With his end near, and Sam knowing this fact, all he could wish now was that his mother got the help she needed. Sam didn't quite understand his thought process. His mother was killing him, deep in religious psychosis, and all he could wish was that she recovered. Jodi was right, in a way. He understood the need to keep his family safe. 

But nothing could have prepared him for the mixture of terror and agony at the expense of his family. His head was spinning, and he drowning. Blood filled his throat and fell from his mouth with each stab. He closed his eyes and thought. 

Sebastian would be devastated. Sam could only hope that Sebastian could recover from this. He wished the best for his boyfriend now that he would be gone. He hoped Sebastian found someone nice, and wouldn't dwell on the past. 

Those hopes weren't as common as he wished. The main thoughts swimming in his pain filled head was terror. He didn't want to die. He wasn't ready to say goodbye. He had so much left he wanted to do. He wanted to move out of Pelican Town and pursue his dream. Now he would never be able to. He didn't know whether to blame his mother, Yoba, or himself for this event, but he didn't have very long to decide, so he didn't waste his last breaths thinking of it.

He opened his eyes again to gaze in to his mother's, hand still on her cheek despite the violent acts she was committing against him. He hoped Vincent and Sebastian both knew just how much he loved them.

His hand slowly slipped from Jodi's cheek, blood smearing on the soft skin before it hit the wood. His eyes began to glaze over, and he used his last breaths to utter his last words.

"I'm sorry..."

Jodi looked at the still body of her son, the knife slowly sliding from her red hands. "Yoba.." she whispered softly, "have I done the right thing?" She asked, as she rested her son's head in her lap. "Have I removed the impurity of my life? Will I still live happily after I pass? Yoba, you must tell me, did I do you proud?"

She closed her eyes as he heard his words. "I'm sorry for the prices I had to pay." She moved a hand across his face, tucking his hair behind his ear. "Yoba knows how much I wish you didn't stray away from his path. My son..."