Archive of Our Own ^beta

The tomcat stirred, currently awake, wandering from one horrid display of his imagination to the next, unable to sleep. Even if he were to sleep, he figured he wouldn't get much rest anyhow. Nightmares were common occurrences for him, haunting him with imagery over what had happened many seasons ago. He would wonder why he could never shake the fear away when everyone else had seemingly moved on.
It was strange when he began to process his surroundings. He never realized it as a kit, could never fully comprehend what was going wrong in the world around him. It didn't even properly sink in that three of his siblings-his eldest brother and his two sisters, his very own littermates-were no longer with him. Perhaps it was his age, too young to register the calamity around him.
And yet, on this night, it was something else that had worried him so badly away from sleep. It was not of what had happened, but of what had yet to come.
It was the daunting reality: he would be a father soon, and his mate would be a mother. They were expecting their first litter of kittens.
Describing his feelings to be of anxiousness was the understatement of a lifetime, despite the thrill and happiness he was currently experiencing too. It was incomprehensible, and the magnitude of it all overwhelmed him. He figured his mate felt the same, if not more so. She was the one carrying their kits, after all. He noticed her grow more tired and restless the more their kits grew.
His mate. His wonderful mate. Whitewing, the light of his life.
She was everything to him. He loved her so much. He was exasperated with himself that he ever thought she didn't care about him when she earned her rightful warrior name, ignoring her afterwards in his envy. The words he had said on that day, when she received her first apprentice (who was his own baby sister, no less), had haunted him the most. Starclan, he still can't believe he ever said that- and believed he was in the right, too! The embarrassment about his own actions, about his idiotic, fragile ego, tainted his memories, showing up when not appropriate. How did it come to this? He wondered, already knowing the answer. The behavioral change was encouraged by his peer, whom he had thought of as a close friend. His only friend when he stopped talking to her.
That friendship wasn't close anymore, not what it once used to be. They had, at least the tomcat figured, different goals in life, different ideas of different cats. He wanted to change; his friend wanted to stay the same. They never clashed, but they started talking less. He started talking less. His cream-furred friend never said a word of it. Perhaps he did not care, perhaps he was still in mourning, or perhaps it was new priorities; he did not know.
He wasn't sure he wanted to know; there were many things he didn't want to know and yet still knew.
All he knew was that he was scared.
He shouldn't be scared. Not when he wanted this so badly, when he and his mate wanted to start a family together.
Why did he have to jump like a frightened kitten every time he heard a whisper? It's not like the clan revolved around him.
Although sometimes he worried it did.
He managed to catch whispers, clanchatters, despite his desperate attempts to ignore them.
His immature behavior, the disapproval of family members, his mate deserved better than somebody like him were all topics he overheard.
And without realizing it, the gossip integrated into his consciousness, making him doubt everything further.

It was suffocating him now in the depth of the night, with no one else to talk to, who would understand the feelings weighing in his chest.
He didn't want to be alone, not during this night, not when the thoughts got to him this badly.
He got up slowly, making sure to not wake any other warrior in the den, and made his way over to the Thunderclan nursery.
Perhaps she was still awake.

She felt restless, a common occurrence these days. She could feel bundles of energy churning in her belly; it made her ponder what the new life she would deliver would be like. She also felt cold, not used to sleeping alone. She was generally not used to being alone. Before long, she began to reminisce.
Back then; when they were the only apprentices of the clan, they would come to comfort each other when days were hard. He struggled with his apprenticeship and nightmares of the old forest; she felt confusion over the tension of her parents. They'd calm the other down and would play games to pass the time.
He grew to be her best friend, and she was his.
Then came her long-awaited ceremony. She was so excited. He had seemed excited too.
She was happy to join her old denmates, but she missed her best friend most of all.
She had longed for the day her friend would join her in the warriors den. That day came to pass, but he would not talk to her, only vaguely acknowledging her presence.

They did not share a nest after his vigil.

Was he upset with her? Was it something she did? She could not understand.
She figured if there was a problem, he would come by on his own time, and they would figure it out.
Sunrises passed, moons passed, seasons passed as well, yet he never came.
She made new friends. He made a new friend.
It suddenly dawned on her that a reconciliation was seemingly never meant to be. But she thought she could be happy, even without him. Perhaps she could move on, like he had done.
Only she realized she wasn't happy. The new friends were friends of one of her oldest friends, her mate's older brother coincidentally. As he aged and lost his siblings, he changed. His morals and ideology changed. His new friends agreed with his mindset.
It scared her; she tried to ignore it, tried to remain friendly despite it all.
But it was hard to ignore when they felt hate towards certain groups, one she was a part of because of the blood running in her veins. She couldn't keep up the facade and had let go, with no one chasing after her.
In her internal fallout, she had come to realize that she was lonely and had no idea what to do when it came to forming friendships.
She excelled at her warrior duties; it was her element, such as a Windclan warriors speed or the swimming skills of a Riverclan warrior.
But when it came to her relationships? She was utterly helpless. She struggled with small talk and never knew how to carry a conversation so it wouldn't die out. She couldn't connect with her clanmates or even her fellow cats among the lake beyond polite pleasantries.
The weight of her loneliness was crushing her, but she also didn't know how to break free. So she struggled on. She had to, somehow. Eventually, she got the opportunity to mentor an apprentice. She would mentor little Icekit, a lively and bubbly molly. Her former friend's littlest sister. She was excited, how could she not be?
Until she overheard the daunting words at her apprentice's ceremony:

"Why did Firestar pick her? I'd be just as good as her at mentoring."

And that came from her old best friend no less, the words ringing in her ears and shooting through her heart. She realized then: He must have hated her so much; she failed him as a friend. If only she had come to him earlier and had made more of an effort, they would still be friends. But now? She would never be able to make it right. She would never be able to make it right to anyone.

Those words followed her very trail as she guided little Icepaw through the Thunderclan lake territories.

Then he came to her, maybe half a moon later after she finished her white-furred apprentice's training for the day, through his own will. She was still hurt; she didn't want to know what he had to say. But perhaps she could recieve closure after all this time, if anything at all. So they left camp, surrounded by birds chirping and branches slowly swaying in the wind, louder than the silence that had yet to be broken by the tom.
He apologized for his actions, how he treated her, that he let his emotions overrule him and treated others poorly as a result, that he wanted to be better, even if they would never be friends again.
She was astounded by the revelation, finally knowing what had been wrong all along. But it dawned on her that it was also her responsibility to make amends, too. So she spoke, breaking her own silence and apologized, much to the toms own surprise, for never reaching out.
Both came to a mutual understanding and were joyous that they were able to solve their disputes.
And so they started over and were back to being acquaintances, then friends. It took some getting used to, as the previous hardships were not something they were able to forget, nor was it something they wanted to forget, but they made it work.
Rather quickly, new feelings began to blossom, for both of them, they came to realize.
She laughs at it now. Perhaps if it weren't for all the struggles, they could have been mates earlier? Perhaps the kittens she was carrying could've been apprentices by now. So many things could have been different...

As Birchfall walked into the nursery, he saw the sleeping figures of Daisy, Rosekit, Toadkit and his mother before seeing Whitewing. She was awake as well, just like him.
Whitewing continued to be lost in thought, so much so that she didn't realize Birchfall stood in front of the nursery entrance.
"Psst." Birchfall whispered. Whitewing was startled by the sudden noise of an otherwise calm night until she turned to the source of the noise.
As soon as she saw him, she relaxed.
"Hey," Birchfall said.
"Shouldn't you be asleep?" Whitewing asked.
"That's funny, so should you." he replied.
"You need your rest, dear." She insisted.
"And you and the kits don't?" He responded with a humorous undertone.
"Haha. It's a little difficult to rest when there's bundles of energy in my belly disturbing me day and night, among other things," Whitewing responded nonchalantly, whispering the last bit.
"Such as?" Birchfall asked, intrigued by what could be bothering his mate.
"Birch, I love you, but it's the middle of the night and I'm exhausted. I don't feel like pouring my heart out right now."
"Oh White, you wound me. I had hoped we'd be able to express our deepest desires under the moonlight." He said sarcastically, feigning a dramatic expression of heartbreak.
"Oh, stop, you can't possibly mean that." She rolled her eyes, amused and slightly annoyed.
"Meant every word of it, actually." Birchfall added quickly.
"You're not the charmer you think you are," she expressed with a deadpan expression.
"And yet you still love me." He moved in closer, carrying a smug look on his face.
"No, I do not." she said in a sarcastic tone. Still smiling all the same.
But we're mates~," he said in a sing-song-like voice.
"Why do you do this to me?" she groaned.
"Because your annoyed face is the cutest thing Starclan can offer me~"
And so she chuckled, lightly. She could've erupted into laughter if she wanted to, as she often did when Birchfall said something funny, but she did not feel like waking up her clanmates and receiving angry glares. He also chuckled, leaning into his mate's neck, nuzzling her and finally settling down into her nest, tails intertwined, his head lying on her chest.

"What's been keeping you up? Have you had nightmares again?" she asked after a time.
"No, not this night. I just can't sleep. Why, have you had any?" He asked, wanting to know if his mate was alright as well.
"No no, not at all. It's just, I'm worried about you. You've always had your nightmares, and I'm not here right now to comfort you when you wake up from them. And now you can't even fall asleep." she stated with worry rising in her voice.
"Your presence at sun-rise is more than enough for me right now after a long night." He tried to reassure her, but they both knew that wasn't the case.
"But it's not. You came to the nursery to find me and now you're here." she said immediately.
"And yet I'm here." he confirmed solemly.

There was silence for a good while.

"Something's troubling you, Birch."
"Perhaps." He avoided her gaze, knowing the words to come.
"Birchfall, you can talk to me. You know that, right?"
"Yes, I know that. But it feels like you can never talk to me. There are things troubling you too, I know there is." He got a little louder than he would've liked.
"No, there isn't." she said, somehow keeping her volume low.
"You're dodging the subject, Whitewing." Birchfall spoke directly.
"I was just reminiscing, nothing else," Whitewing deflected.
"Hmmh. About what?" he continued to press.
"Nothing important." she realized too late that she spoke too quickly.
"Well, it seemed so important that you completely zoned out earlier before I entered the den and-"

"Can't you just drop it for Starclan's sake?!" She hissed at him, her ears flat and her fangs exposed. Birchfall shot straight up, shocked. He didn't mean to hurt her again…he just wanted to reassure her… he didn't mean… he turned his head around in shame, alarmed by if they had awoken anyone. Whitewing was shocked as well: she hadn't meant to do that; she really didn't. She didn't realize… she didn't mean… she quickly turned her head away in guilt, her actions ruining everything again.
Once again, there was silence, and neither cat spoke, dodging the other's eyes. Birchfall was the first to speak up: "Please don't blame yourself for getting mad; I didn't stop asking." he spoke softly, trying to find the words. "I'm-" "No, don't apologize. I shouldn't have snapped at you, I.." Whitewing interrupted, trying to stay composed but stumbling over her wording. It was now Birchfall's turn to interrupt.
"But it's true, I didn't stop when you clearly expressed you didn't want to talk about it."

"But you're right too. I always tell you to tell me when something's bothering you.. I never do that. I swear it's not that I don't want to or that I don't trust you, I mean I wouldn't be carrying our kittens if that weren't the case, I-" Whitewing began to ramble, trying her best to explain, trembling all the while. Birchfall realized what was happening; he himself knew these feelings all too well: He didn't want his mate to feel burdened by her emotions. Like he normally is. He was never one with words, but that wouldn't stop him from comforting his mate. He searched for her eyes, which looked sodden and buried with guilt looking to sweep her away. "Whitewing, look at me. This doesn't come naturally to anycat, and you shouldn't have to justify yourself for it. Believe me though, it helps when you have a cat who is willing to listen." He mustered up the most reassuring voice he could.

"But I wouldn't even know where to start." she whispered in frustration.

"Well, we all have to start somewhere...hm.. One thing that's works for me is to think of the most recent thoughts I have and to go from there." "But what if I ramble? And go on and on and never get to the point?"

" Well, in that case you would just have to express your hearts deepest desire to me afterall?" a glist of humor in his eyes sparkled in response.

He recieved a soft paw pressing on his face as a response. He grinned and stifled a laugh. The look of her mates face was priceless, she couldn't help but stifle a laugh too.

And so, Whitewing felt comfortable enough to begin.

"Birchfall, look. I have been reminiscing on a lot of things: mostly relationships: mine towards you, towards other clanmates….. my parents. And... well, relationships aren't easy for me at all."

"Wouldn't I know it?" Whitewing raised her brow.
"Sorry sorry, please continue birdie. What conclusion did you come too?".

"It's not a conclusion, mostly a thought. I'm just an average warrior who fullfils her duties-

"-No you're not, you're more than that- sorry."

"-but as competent as I am in my skills, I have never been good at handling relationships. I'm barely able to handle friendships as it is. What if I struggle as a mother? What if I can't bond with our kittens, connect with them? What if-"

"-…you'll fail them?"

"You… you've been worried about it too?"

"Starclan above, how could I not be?" he sighed. "Come on? The "immature warrior who couldn't be trusted to handle a screeching kit because he himself is one?" he hissed in frustration. He remembered those string words before, stinging his ears when Whitewing announced her pregnancy to the clan.

"Oh Birch, don't tell me you've been listening to clanchatter again. You know those cats are only trying to get under your fur." she said with sympathy.

Birchfall bristled a little.

"I know, White. I know you keep telling me to stop listening to chatter, and believe me, I've tried! But I always end up hearing about it one way or another! It's frustrating!" He stopped for a moment, his irritation building into wistful thinking. "But it's not like what they say is based on lies... I had been such a bad friend to you, was incredibly bossy to pretty much everyone the moment I got my warrior name and well, you know how my father feels about me." he curled himself up and tucked his tail in.

" But most of all, I don't want to fall back into this pattern.
I don't want to be a bad mate to you and I don't want to be a bad father. I don't want to be either of those things."
He sighed, dipping his head onto the grassy nest, trying to hide his head under his forepaws.
"How can I start to care for our kin, our family, when I can't even take care of myself?"

He suddenly felt the weight of Whitewing leaning into his neck, nuzzling and purring. Whitewing had the loudest purr he had ever heard, it was soothing to listen too.
"What you said took a lot of reflection, not many are willing to look into their deepest flaws." she said, her words filled with warmth.
"So I find that, despite the flaws you acknowledge you have, that you'll be a great father for our kits." The though was fluttering in her mind once more, strengthend. Little ones to teach, to protect, to love. Soon to be a reality for the rest of their lives.
"You too, you'll also be a great mother." Birchfall whispered, gleaming at the same thought that crossed his mates mind and purring, too.

"Starclan above, I sure hope so." Whitewing murmured, slowly drifting into sleep. Birchfall noticed, and gave his mate a swift lick on her cheek. She looked especially beautiful in the moonlight, her fur glistening, as if she was one with the stars. He couldn't resist his smile. "Good night, my dear". He whispered one last time, once sleep finally caught up to his mate, and left for the warriors den. Had he had his own way, he would've stayed with his mate, but he did not feel like getting a lecture from Brambleclaw in the early morning looking for him for patrol.

He managed to quietly step around the sleeping bodies, locating his nest. He too, would drift off to sleep. And, even if just for tonight, his anxieties eased just a little. He hoped her anxieties did, too.