Chapter Text
“He… got away.”
Her hand was on the door, ready to enter, but she hesitated. She cried. Tears pushed their way out her eyes and she let out a choked sob, crumpling to the ground. “S-Sakura?” A voice called. “You ‘kay?”
Startled by the voice, Sakura picked herself up from the floor and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She readied a bright (fake) smile before pushing the door open.
The first thing she noticed wasn’t the absence of Sasuke — it was Naruto. He was all bandaged up, from head to toe, but he didn’t seem to be in too much pain. “Naruto…”
Naruto’s face scrunched up in guilt, and Sakura felt a stabbing sensation in her chest. “I’m sorry… Sakura. I couldn’t do anything…”
“Why’re you apologising?” Sakura let out a giggle, but it was cut short by how forced it was. “You look really weird! You’re just like a mummy, aren’t you?”
For once, Naruto was quiet. His usual energy was gone. “I’m sorry… I—“
“Listen, the weather’s good today.” Sakura made a half-hearted attempt to change the subject. “I’ll open the curtains, now…”
“Sakura!” She determinedly gazed outside. “I-I’ll definitely keep my promise!! I said that it was my lifelong vow!”
Sakura sighed. “It’s alright, Naruto.” She really didn’t want Naruto stressing over her own emotional and physical weakness. If she had never loved Sasuke, Naruto would never have made that promise, and if she were never that weak in strength, she would’ve been able to bring Sasuke back herself.
“Sakura!” Shikamaru growled. “He’s trying to—“
“Like I said,” Naruto interrupted. “I won’t go back on my word! Because that’s my ninja way…”
Something unpleasant closed over Sakura’s throat like a vice. This is all my fault, she thought, tears clawing at her eyes. I… couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stop Sasuke. The one person who can stop him is… you, Naruto.
And why do I hate that?
Why do I hate that it couldn’t be me?
“Naruto…” she started, her words dissolving in her stomach. I beg you. I trust you completely. “I’m sorry, Naruto… I had to make you wait a while but…
…next time, we’ll do it together!”
When the door closed behind her, she let the tears wash freely down her grief-stricken face.
———
She was heartbroken.
Every second with Naruto was a second without Sasuke. Every second on a mission was a second without Team 7. Every second with Sai was a second without them. The three of them, together. Sai wasn’t Sasuke — just a stupid replacement.
Sakura missed those days when she didn’t have to think about Sasuke, but still chose to anyways.
Now, he ate up her mind.
He infested her brain like an invasive weed, and no matter how much she hacked away at her memory of him, he was still there, and still spreading. She just wanted to forget, but she also didn’t, and she wished that she could just stop thinking all together; she wished that everything would stop being so damn complicated. Stupid feelings.
Stupid Sasuke.
Stupid Sakura.
Stupid love.
Stupid…
———
She didn’t know where, but she had once read that the best way to get rid of your feelings is to write about them.
So that’s exactly what she did.
She bought a pink little journal to vent in, but then decided that it was too cute to hold her grievances, so she went back to the bookstore and bought herself a deep navy notebook instead. It reminded her of Sasuke. She could pretend she was yelling at him while writing.
Her first entry was a mess.
Dear Sasuke,
I miss you. Come back. I can’t stop thinking about you. Please. I can’t take this anymore. You’re the only thing on my mind. I hate you. You just want me to suffer, don’t you. How selfish are you to abandon me, Naruto, US!? We’re Team 7, dammit. It’s not the same without you.
I hope you feel guilty for all that you’ve done. What can Orochimaru give you that none of us can?
Don’t answer that question.
Ughhhhhhhh please Sasuke, I, dammit, I need you, urghhgh. I hate it. I feel weak. You’ve won, okay? Whatever it is that you wanted, I give to you now. You’ve won. Just come home. Don’t make me feel like this.
I’ll do anything for you. Everything for you. I’ll grovel at your feet 24/7 for all I care. Just let me see your face again.
You’ve already won my heart, Sasuke. What more do you want to take from me?
Her second entry:
Sasuke,
I’m fuming. I hate you. How f-ing DARE you!? You- ugh- what are you hoping to achieve? What BS has Orochimaru brainwashed you with to make you like, idk, THIS?!? BETRAYING KONOHA?! Betraying your — this may or may not be a stretch BUT — FRIENDS!??!? I’m so done. You need therapy, utter therapy, because NO ONE who was raised PROPERLY would do something as mad as this. Oh wait, I forgot, YOU WEREN’T RAISED PROPERLY!! YOUR ENTIRE CLAN WENT AND DIED BECAUSE YOUR BROTHER WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO KILL THEM ALL!!!
Just, please. You’re so stupid, Sasuke, just so stupid. I’m so angry at you, but what for? Why? I don’t care, I’m just angry. FUCKKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUU
Her third entry:
Dear Sasuke,
My heart has been crushed, like a fell autumn leaf at the mercy of a child’s shoes. There is a cavity in my mind that you used to fill — now the cavity is being slowly filled with blood, and the sorrow of loss. I feel as if I am a bird, but without you, I am without wings. I just want to take flight again. I want to have my wings back.
My love for you, however, has not diminished in the slightest. Even the wildest of winds cannot taint my feelings for you. In the imminent sandstorm, I will still find my way back to you. And we will reconcile.
Heart to heart, Sasuke. My heart is already yours.
The entries eventually became a daily routine.
———
She realised her love was fading.
It was there, no doubt — still a heavy, recognisable heartbeat. But it was losing its shine, its beauty.
Despite it all, she still, desperately, wanted to think it wasn’t.
So she wrote her final entry, and decided she would mail her journal to Sasuke’s address. If he ever came home…
…he would read them, right?
She spent hours scribbling down emotions, insults directed at no one and the ramblings of a crazy woman, but ended up ripping those pages out. Sasuke wouldn’t appreciate that kind of a love letter.
So she wrote only two sentences.
A tear fell on the page.
———
A tear rolled down his cheek.
Fuck, was he getting nostalgic? He wiped the tear away dismissively. He didn’t have time to be feeling things like that. Why was he thinking of Konoha, of all things, when he had the perfect chance to kill Orochimaru, to truly test how far he had come, at the very fist of his hands?
His first thought was, fucking feelings.
His second was, I miss Konoha.
Which was stupid. He didn’t miss. He couldn’t miss. But he did. He was. He was missing, and he was missing Konoha. Just a place. Just a village.
With one troublesome thought came another, and another, until— Sakura. Her smile. Her voice. Her love for him that she had never tried to hide.
Sasuke hadn’t forgotten her. He was surprised.
He wondered what had happened to Team 7 after he left. Did they stay a 2-man cell? Did they get a replacement? The thought made his blood boil, and he knew why, though he didn’t want to admit it.
Did Sakura… remember him?
Of course she does, he assured himself flippantly. She wouldn’t forget me even if she came down with a bad case of dementia.
He ignored the lump that formed in his throat.
———
When he returned to Konoha, his immediate choice was to return home. It was… odd. It hadn’t changed at all. Everything looked weirdly the same, except from a small package at the door. There was a note attached. Sasuke didn’t read it — he just brought the package inside.
The first thing he did wasn’t to run about his house, checking out all his little toys and kid kunai, like he didn’t have control of his childish impulses. Instead, he sat down, and stared aimlessly up.
His mind drew pictures on the ceiling. The first picture it drew was Sakura. It drew a picture of him and Naruto, and their many fights. It drew a picture of that one photo of Team 7 they had taken on their second day. The photo was framed on his wall. Strangely, he had never once considered throwing it away.
It drew a picture of Itachi. He clenched his teeth. It drew a picture of Karin and Suigetsu, and Orochimaru. It drew a picture of his first day at the academy (embarrasing), his first kiss (ew), and his first deed (regrettable).
The last picture it drew was the package. He sighed, and looked down at the note.
Hi, Sasuke. It read. I’m glad you came home. This is my journal — a series of letters to you. Please read them, please don’t ignore them, I want you to understand me. Because I missed you. - Sakura xoxo
Sentimentalities, Sasuke smirked. Only kunoichi like you would have sentimentalities.
Nevertheless, he opened the package with care, making sure not to rip up the wrapping to the best of his ability. There was a little blue notebook with Sakura’s Secrets written at the top in brush pen calligraphy. He flipped to the first page.
The clock was ticking away, and, before he knew it, three hours had already passed. Three hours of scanning through Sakura’s thoughts, feelings and mournings. How had she had the willpower to write so many entries? The answer evaded him.
He flipped the page yet again, and came face to face with the very last entry in the journal. It reads:
Dear Sasuke,
I love you enough to wait. But I won’t wait forever.
It wasn’t even signed. Sasuke tried not to think about it. He closed the book, and something in his chest collapsed.
He dry heaved at his table for a painfully long time.
———
She had already drifted away.
It started as a trickle — life was drip feeding her little by little, so she had to savour it when it came. Then, it came on like a rush. All those feelings, those sleepless nights she stayed up crying for Sasuke, mourning for Sasuke, pleading for Sasuke, she suddenly let them go. And it didn’t feel the slightest bit monumental or insurmountable; instead, she was utterly, inexplicably relieved. She wanted to feel guilty, she wanted to feel something remorseful, but she didn’t. She had no reason to.
She had chased him for far too long without him giving anything back, and she was fucking sick of it. She just stopped trying. There wasn’t any point in waiting for him anymore.
Except, there was one person who had always been there for her, who had held her when she needed it, let her cry her heart out while stabilising her, and promised to bring back the one person she had wanted to see then. The one person who had never, never been there for her, ever.
Sasuke.
Who was with her the entire time she was grieving, mourning, screaming for someone who was never going to come home?
Fucking Naruto, that’s who.
She initially brushed him off as a loudmouthed, arrogant brat who had delusions of fame and grandeur, but as she got to know him a little bit better, she realised that he was so, so so so much more than that. He was kind. He understood what others were going through, and thus knew how to make them feel better, or to at least coax them along the right path to healing. He was exactly what she needed when Sasuke left, and she was absolutely sure that he was exactly what she wanted to be with the rest of her life.
A kind kid. No, he wasn’t a kid anymore. As much as it felt unfit to say, Naruto was a man now. He had really grown those past few years. And what had Sasuke done? Nothing. He was a man with little restraint of his impulses — in fact, one could say that he was even more childish than Naruto had been. So hung up on some naïveté grudge against his brother, something he should have let go years ago. Change and continuity. Learn to deal with it, crybaby.
Having lost any sympathy, any affection for a man who was never there, Sakura found herself a new anchor to the world. And she was content, she was happy, because she new this love would be stable. Nothing like the meaningless chasing she had wasted half her life on before the final push towards the light.
And she realised she was just like Sasuke, somewhat. Naruto had chased her, hadn’t he? And she hadn’t reciprocated, or apologised, or reacted to his whims in a mature way. But today, she decided that she would chase Naruto back.
And when they’d eventually meet along the same road, running towards each other, Sakura would realise that letting go of the past meant welcoming a new future.
———
It hadn’t even been a full week since he finished reading through her journal, and he was already starting to feel something tugging at the sensitive edges of his heart. His head reeled, and every one of his thoughts led him back to those two sentences — “I love you enough. But not forever.”
He found that he cared, but he really shouldn’t. Thank god she’s starting to get over me, he should be thinking, not, don’t go, don’t leave me, I need you too.
That night, he dreamed of family. Not his family, messed-up and torn apart. He dreamed of a family with Sakura — they’d have two girls, fierce and loyal; who would never betray each other like Itachi had betrayed him. They’d be two years apart, and both become powerful Sharingan users. The older one would become a medical nin as well as a fearsome warrior, while the younger one would be potent as an assassinator, quick to strike, quick to end the fight.
And… he and Sakura were married. And they had kids, which meant that they had fucking sex. Or, perhaps, Sakura had done an IVF procedure (twice), but that was unlikely.
They laughed together. They went out. They kissed. Sakura made food, and Sasuke ate it. It was delicious.
When they eventually went to bed, Sakura tugged him under the covers, and he woke up.
He wanted to reach out for the warmth he felt in a dream. The warmth that wasn’t real, but he felt anyways. He wanted to drown in that warmth, drown in that bed, drown in her arms and never wake up.
That dream showed Sakura in a different light. She was gorgeous, compassionate, radiating with a kind of zeal that drew him to her like a moth to a flame. He felt like throwing up, but in a strangely nice way. His chest heaved, his face was flushed, and his heart was beating so fast he felt like it might’ve already burst out of his body were it not for his ribcage. He clutched at his bedsheets until he calmed down. Stealing a glance out the window, he saw that it was already late in the morning — or maybe it was noon? Had he been sleeping that long?
Maybe, his brain supplied unhelpfully, you just wanted to stay with Sakura a little longer.
He hadn’t left the house for days now, since he had more than enough provisions that were originally packed for the journey but he never got around to eating them, but he decided to go outside anyways. Reunite with “loved ones,” or something.
You just want to see Sakura, his inner monologue smirked.
And what if I do? He quipped back. Maybe I just want to see if she’s moved on. For her own good.
Just admit it. Swallow your pride and admit you hope she hasn’t.
He didn’t snark back. He didn’t have a good retort. So he just sat up on his bed, pulled a hoodie over his head and set out with a mission — find Sakura.
What interesting conversation to strike up was future Sasuke’s problem.
———
She was in the park.
It was her favourite place. There was a gorgeous sakura tree, and she loved it. She’d make Sasuke watch it for hours as the pinkish buds slowly unfurled, and its true beauty gradually began to show. It was magnificent. She never invited Naruto.
Until now.
They were watching the tree together, the breeze rustling their hair, and Sakura looked so peaceful, so content. And Naruto… looked the same way. As if they were bonded somehow, in some unexplainable way. As if they had attached themselves together during Sasuke’s absence. As if they had forgotten all about him.
Sasuke leapt onto a nearby tree, its leaves bushy and well grown out since winter, and stayed, and overlooked them. He waited until Naruto left, before Sakura whispered, “You can come out now.”
His breath caught. When did she notice him? He stiffened, but slid down the trunk, locking eyes with Sakura. “I didn’t mean to go unnoticed.”
“Your hiding in the tree said otherwise,” she jeered. They were plunged into a cold, unfamiliar silence. “What do you want?”
“I thought—“ Sasuke hesitated. “I thought you’d like to know that I… read your journal.”
“My journal?” Sakura waved a hand dismissively. “I’d… forgotten about that. I sent it ages ago. If only you had come back sooner—“
“But I came back, Sakura. And… I thought things over.” Sasuke bit his lip. It was unlike him to be this nervous. He didn’t even know what for. “I think I missed you too.”
“No, Sasuke,” she growled. “You don’t get to miss me. You left me. You left us. You don’t deserve squat.”
“Sakura!” Sasuke sighed, exasperated. Since when had Sakura gotten so feisty? “Calm down, please.”
“Calm down? CALM DOWN? I’d like to see you CALM DOWN if you were in my shoes, idiot!”
In an instant, a fist had crashed into his ribs, and he toppled backwards, unready for the force of the punch. He winced as the pain set in. She must have trained. A lot. She’s nothing like the Sakura I remember.
I think I like her.
The realisation slammed down like a bucket of freezing cold water, and his heart was gasping for air. When he could open his eyes again without the pain seizing his body and forcing them shut again, he saw that Sakura had turned to leave. “No, Sakura, I promise, I’ll do anything! I’ll stay with you, I’m staying!”
“You didn’t stay all those years ago, did you?”
“Sakura! Your last letter. I have it, here.” Sasuke took out a crumpled piece of lined paper. Visible tears and vomit had dried on it. Sakura‘s face fell at the sight. “I felt things. My heart ached. It still is.” He took a deep, wavering breath. “And last night, I dreamt of you. Of us. Of a future we could have. We were married, we had two girls. And now, I realise, I desperately want that future. Please. I’m begging you—“
“I don’t often get to see the great Sasuke Uchiha beg at a civilian-born.”
“Sakura, I’m trying to—“
A tear fell down her face. Her bottom lip trembled, and Sasuke suddenly saw how much damage his words had caused. “Oh my god, Sakura, I’m so so sorry, whatever I’ve done, I—“
“No!” Sakura screeched. “You can’t fix it. Because you can’t rewind to the past! And now I’m standing here, and a part of me wants to welcome you back into my life, but no. I’m done, fucker. We’re done.”
“But… I don’t understand. You— I thought you loved me.”
“LovED,” Sakura spat, spinning on her heel, gazing up at the sky as a raindrop fell on her cheek. “I told you, I wouldn’t wait forever.”
And with that last sentence, she was gone. A drop fell on Sasuke’s face as well, but he was sure it wasn’t from the rain.
He dashed back home before the rest of them came flooding out.