Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

she was gone. all Nikolai could do at the moment was to stand at the same spot he has been for the past 5,10,30 seconds. 1,5,7 minutes ago. all his brain could do was replay the same exact scene: Lucy, standing in front of him and Huds, smiling with her purely white teeth, made up into 2 perfect rows.

“when i get rich, i’ll have enough money to call every single day! both of you! even the emma and yar!” she chuckled, gripping on her suitcase.

“of course. maybe i’ll call you once, if that homeless guy gives me my money back one day” huds rolled his eyes, laughing quietly. everyone knew Huds will probably never see that money again.

she wouldn’t call. it’s not like she never got rich, actually, quite opposite, extremely rich. she didn’t forget them either. just trying to adapt to work, new people, the city of her dreams took.. too much. it was expected, at least for Nikolai, even though he still prayed to the stars to this not becoming the truth. Nikolai knew a girl, who studied at the same school with him, whose brother lived around the same area lucy would now. they rarely called, even though their relationship was pretty good. that’s just the way life is. unfair.

she walked up the stairs. turned around. made eye contact. her grey sparkling, just like sun in the sky. the both were warm from the distance, still, both untouchable. she was eager for that new place since they day Nikolai met her. the heavy train door locked. she disappeared for a while. then appeared in the window, set her stuff down. waved to both of them, and as the train departed, she left as quick as the grey steam mixed with the air and the sound of the train whistle dissolving in human chatter. and it replayed over, and over, and over, over, over over and over and -

“hey..” Huds’s voice brought Nikolai back to the present, the train was far away, “i understand you need a moment, but…” he went silent, his lips folded together. no matter how much time he spent thinking, he couldn’t find exact words to say, “wanna.. crash at my place? i got some left over powder, maybe it will drop some weight from your soul, ya know”.

Huds took a look at Nikolai’s eyes. the ‘supposed to be white’ parts or whatever they were called were red. either from soon-to-come tears, sleep deprivation, or too much powder…

“ooor we can just talk and you just sleep over, m? my madre was kind enough to buy me some tea”

Huds pushed his friend with his elbow lightly. “cmon Kolyan, if you keep starring at the rails the train won’t come back” he looked away after saying the last part, realizing it might’ve been too much. who could ever watch his tongue?

“you’re right…” he let out a sad whisper, turning around and walking the opposite direction, not daring to look up”

as they walked, Huds tried his best to get out the way to the bus stop from his memory.

“are you feeling good? eh, physically, i mean.. you have redness in your..”

“sclera.. yes i’m fine” he mumbled. of course he would know the name, medical major nerd.

“why are these people running?” he brushed some strands of his hair away from the eye to see clearly.

“cause they’re hurrying to the bus stop. the last one comes in… 5 minutes?”

AND YOU DECIDED YOU AIN’T GONNA TELL ME THAT?” huds blurred out, his pupils narrowing.

“that’s stupid…” Huds couldn’t hear him. he was already running.

“ugh… “ it felt like Nikolai coughed out his lungs fully when he got there. it took him a whole minute to just catch up. smoker lungs effect.

most of the ride went quiet, only some individuals talking. it was easy to notice the tiredness in people’s eyes, and how much they just wanted to get home. as the bus passed the streets loudly, the noise of engine and metals jumping over and over again from all the potholes on the roads, Huds distracted himself with his gameboy. it was quite impossible to take his attention away from this thing. nikolai? stared out the window, his brain sending a tingle down his spine each time they passed a place where their friend group was at least once. he stuffed his arms into the pockets of his jacket, one of his hands squeezing a pack of cigarettes inside. he couldn’t wait to take a drag once they get out.

Chapter Text

as they got closer to the bus stop, Huds hid his gameboy into his bag. he couldn’t let his precious boy get even a tiny scratch from people around. he turns his head, his brown hair mixed with a reddish tone falling onto his shoulder unevenly. he takes in a look of Nikolai’s back. even though he could t see his face, he still felt the sadness radiating from him. it made Huds’s soul sink.

the bus stopped. Nikolai didn’t even move an inch

“Kolyaaa.. this is our stop. hey?”

Huds lays his hand softly on Nikolai’s shoulder. on his soft sweater. Nikolai flinched, turning around immediately.

“cmon, let’s get going” he smiled, extending his hand out for him to grab. he did. Nikolai’s cold fingers laid on top of Huds’s, rough, still surprisingly warm ones. Huds slowly squeezed his fingers, pulling him up from his seat.

when they exited, a string smell of fresh cut grass hit their noses. cold breeze flew around, forcefully playing and dancing with leaves. a dim street light makes the way home a little brighter, a bunch of little mosquitos wandering around it, forcing themselves into believing it was the sun. Nikolai takes out a box of cigarettes, takes 1 out of 2 left over cigarettes and holds it with his teeth, taking out an inky black lighter, scratches all over it, and started a tiny fire. it lit up the street, making the darkness step away. after putting everything away, he took out his phone.

“staying over at Huds” he sent the message to his mom. she didn’t need to know anything more. not like she wanted to anyway.

“put the phone away, your hands’ll freeze” ginger puts his palm over Nikolai’s fingers, sharing the heat instantly.

“whatever..” he shoves the phone into his pocket, chuckling slightly. as they walk away from the main street, the road to Huds house because thinner and thinner, as lights became dimmer. there was some comfort in it, just them two, accompanied by. ballads of cicadas.

———

“home sweet home!” Huds exclaimed happily, smiling. he turned the doorknob, opening the door widely, “come on in!”

Nikolai steps in first, putting out his cigarette on the ashtray, placed on the nearest shelf by Hudson especially for him, as Huds closes the door after him. a thin, almost invisible smoke is still coming out of the cigarette, filling the room with a weak smell

“ya can go to my room, just wash your hands first. feel yourself at home”

“mhm” Nikolai walks down the hall. he knows where to go, of course. he has been there so many times in past years.

“what tea ya want?”

“green”

“gotcha!”

as Huds gets busy at the kitchen, he walks into his room. it felt like home. like actual one, warm, safe. bed was in front of him in the furthest left corner, queen and nirvana posters surrounding it. a giant window, curtains open, like anytime Nikolai would come here. the view was.. beautiful. a calm forest. trees would swing back and forth, the wind eventually stealing a few leaves there and then. in the closer left corner, skateboard was leaning against the wall, along with a skating tool laying next to it. the closer right corner? guitar neighboring a desk. this was one of the messiest desks Nikolai saw someone have. bloody tissues from new scratches appearing on Huds’s knees every other day. tons of dirty mugs and a collection of various monster cans. note sheets, lyrics sheets. and pictures handing above on the wall… Lucy took them. she liked photography. she used to take so many, she was forced to give them out to all friends. Huds wasn’t an exception. when Lucy was leaving, for Nikolai, it seemed like Huds didn’t care much, but… he did. now he sees he does.

she smiled on every single picture. sometimes with teeth, sometimes with just her lips. it felt like they were painted pink since her birth. she was.. beautiful. the sparks in her eyes she had since the day they met, her wavy hair falling down her petite shoulders. at every picture, she looked right into the center.

“you won’t stop watching over me, hm..?” a weak smile formed on the lips, his eyes narrowing, “please don’t. ever.”

he steps away, and goes straight towards the bed, falling on it.

“damn, you’re that tired?” a little chuckle appears on Hudds face as he walks into the room, almost fully closing the door with his leg, leaving a small opening. in each hand he held a cup, both of them having a warm steam coming out and softly mixing with the air around, “there” he extends one of the cups out for Nikolai to grab, “grab the handle, not the cup itself. it is still hot”.

“thanks…” he lets out a small whisper, grabbing the handle. he would rather wrap his hands around the sides instead, to feel at least some kind of warmth, but at the moment there wasn’t enough energy to refuse to follow the command. was it really a command? doesn’t matter.

Nikolai puts his lips on the edge of the mug, sticking out his tongue to measure the temperature of the tea first. Hudds found that cute. to the point, he sometimes caught himself doing the same.

he walks up to the window and closes it, and then quickly returns to his long awaited spot next to Nikolai, gently setting down between him and the pillow. this time, he immediately takes a large sip, warming up his throat after breathing cold outside air over and over again before. but now it was far away. now the cold couldn’t reach them anymore, so they just had to wait for the room to settle at the normal temperature.

“can we get to the stuff now?..” nikolai asks. it was hard to read his expression, his profile being surrounded by messy strands of black hair. he would normally try and fix it, but there wasn’t much sense anymore. for who? there’s no one anymore he would try to look good for. it doesn’t matter. no matter how hard Hudds tried to look into his face, he couldn’t read what he feels. the dark of the room was slowly but surely driving him away. soaking him inside, like part of it’s own. he remembered Nikolai telling him he was born at night. now it wanted him back.

he takes a look at the mug in Nikolai’s hand. there has been maximum of 2 sips taken from it, not a drop more.

“finish the tea first” he pushed out his sweet voice though tightly clenched teeth. he knew Nikolai wasn’t feeling his best, but… there are other ways, right? could he at least have one moment together before his friend’s mind would be willingly taken out of his body? he has to try. has to try make him try.

“sure… wouldn’t want it to go to waste. sorry” Huds couldn’t see where his eyes shifted to, but his head leaned down.

“no, no, pff, it’s not about the tea, hah it is just—“ he stops himself before he can lose the track of what he was even saying, words flying out of his mouth way too quickly, “it’s just… maybe it would kinda.. you know.. help you relax?” the steam from the cup started hitting Huds’s freckles now.

some time passes in comfortable silence. they’ve been friends for a long time now, so all the awkwardness between them was gone at this point. but still, Huds knew that Nikolai wasn’t feeling easy, and knowing that would not let his mind rest even for a second. he must do something. as his friend. as the person he cares about his the most compared to anyone else.

“do you… want to talk, maybe? i know you miss—“

“no.. it’s fine”, nikolai lifts his head away from the cup and looks at the pictures, clipped to the wall, “i knew this day would’ve come eventually”

this was a short response. it has one meaning - nikolai didn’t want to talk. having a deep conversation was a pretty rare event between them. not because no one cared, no. for Huds, he was the most precious boy in the world (show not tell here). no matter how much he pushed and how many nights he spent trying to find the right words, he couldn’t seem to do so. it was much more simple for Nikolai - he just didn’t want to. why would he try something that was meant to be a failure?

each time Nikolai took a sip, he put his cup higher then before. which means he was closer to getting done

Huds softly placed his cup on the nearby nightstand, and started pushing his body from the bed. he stood up reluctantly and walked towards his table. his hands started searching though many things mixed all together on the table, creating an insane mess. his fingers went though tubes of various hair dyes, music sheets full of random guitar chords, homework from various classes and candy wrappers. finally, he found it.

“got it” Huds slides out a small bag with white powdery out from the homeroom pile and throws it onto the top of his mess. he didn’t even need to hide something like that, because who would check?

“thank you..” Nikolai smiled, standing up and placing his cup near one of the bed’s legs. Huds never refused to do his offers, for some reason.

Huds walks back towards the bed and flops down on the bed, his pillow jumping up a little. he turns his head to the side slightly, strands of his messy hair closing the view a bit, but he could still know exactly what Nikolai was going. he watched his poor posture slowly travel towards the table, his right arm searching the pocket of his pants. he takes out a crumpled one dollar bill, folding it lazily into a tiny tube. this bill was useless by how, considering how much crumples it had and how strong was the smell of cocaine coming from it. no cashier would ever take it. nikolai bends over, his black hair blocking the table in front of him for Huds. he can hear the bag rustling, plastic going back and forth. his hands forming a perfect snow line on the table.

sniff

after a few seconds, his back straightened up again, he turned around and stumblingly walked up to the bed, not lifting his gaze from the floor. he falls on the bad, his face flat to the blanket.

Huds feels bad. how can he not? get a little high too. will he? no. not today. there should be at least one sane person in the room, at least for tonight. well, if Huds was sane in the first place in his sober state.

all Huds can do for a while is to just stare at Nikolai’s body, his chest moving up and down. kall he could do was just watch. he wasn't able to turn away, just listening and watching, like he was in some trance. but, he was soon interrupted by loud breezing. he blinks, as the image in front of him updates. every second the time between Nikolai's chest rising was getting shorter, rapid inhales killing the quiet. huds scoots, cupping n's cheeks, sending a shiver down both of their spines. Huds carefully brings up Nikolai's face to lock eyes with him, water crawling under Huds's nails. poor boy was choking on the mix of his own tears and snot. his black bangs were soaking, some of the strands sticking to his lips. he was pathetic, but in the most charming way it could be, miaybe there was no such thing as "beautiful cry" for humans, but Huds wasn't even a human to begin with, so he could care less. The antennas on top of Hud's head shivered

Huds unwillingly let’s go of one of the cheeks, his hand stretching out to grab a tissue from the box on the bed table. he tears the napkin out, the force knocking the whole box over to the floor. squeezing the tissues, he rubs it into one of cheeks, actively reddening from his heartbreaking weeps. it felt like they were burning. hello, fever. Huds subconsciously brings the opposing face closer, staring right into his soul, while Nikolai’s widened pupils stared somewhere behind him. oh, what a poor soul.

do aliens have souls? do they go to heaven or hell, if they even exist? do their consciousnesses get to run around and play in the clouds? do they have morals, instincts? it seemed that scientists knew better than a true alien himself. oh well, half alien. his mother was one, while his father was a human. how did it end up? in a divorce. now, forever away from each other. oh mom, i see the way your shoulders fall down when this man comes to pick me up for our weekend hang outs. oh dad i notice how fucking stupid your smile is when you gain the confidence to walk into the house, instead of just waiting outside. was it an instinct the way he antennas swung around when he appeared? was it an instinct for humans to run away from somebody who wasn’t their own. for aliens just accept their fate? an alien. two aliens.

there was at least one thing in common between aliens and humans that Huds had noticed in his 19 years of living. how everybody wanted love. to feel loved. even the cats on the streets, snuggling to each other when the cold winds came by. birds looking for their partner after a long time of a no-see. kids banging on the walls of the shield, wanting to see their parents again.

sobs. sobs. sobs.

………

love isn’t always warm. Nikolai’s lips were always cold for some reason, even during a fever. the flesh of Huds’s own lips was gently pressing against Nikolai’s. you didn’t even need to deepen the kiss with a tongue to feel the taste of cigarettes on his skin. his fault, Huds was the one to ever bring him a pack of cigarettes anyway. Nikolai kept his eyes closed, but the initiator of the kiss couldn’t, not for a second. he looked deeply, his eyes getting more bright red every second, soaking in the light from nearby rope lights, taped to the wall. what kinds kf thighs wondered though those closed eyes, the thoughts he couldn’t reach. did he not care? did not want to face the truth? or imagined someone else? didn’t matter. as long as he showed up on his doorstep, over, over and over again, didn’t matter. as long as he is present. Huds’s door will always be open.

his arms switched position from Nikolai’s cheeks to his black hair. it reminded him of space, or of an endless emptiness, depends on the lightning. currently, it was emptiness. nikolai felt empty. his rough fingers, wrapped all around in old plasters tangled in those black locks, tilting Nikolai’s head for a better moment. it felt like it was all falling apart. Nikolai’s world. gone. thanks, woman. thoughts about her swam in Nikolai’s head constantly. but. no, it’s wrong. he couldn’t blame her, not for being nice, one thing Huds did blame her were the gay jokes. but, she was like a messiah, for Nikolai, at least. she helped Huds a lot too, thought. with dying his hair, painting his nails, cheating on tests and stupid homework. with having a normal life, basically. no, it’s isn’t about her now.

Huds leans back, letting Nikolai breathe. it wasn’t a long kiss, just a second or two, so no long recovery was needed. Huds’s grip felt like the most natural thing in the world. it was confident, but as the same time gentle and warm. it was also natural for Nikolai to keep his quiet.

“i love you.”

it was a whisper. whisper Nikolai had heard so many times already. Huds didn’t care if Nikolai even truly understand the whole meaning of the phrase, didn’t care if it was mutual or not., didn’t care what others would think. didn’t care if Nikolai put the same kind of thoughts into those words. they said it to each other so oftenly, it was casual at this point. of course, first few times, his heart has skipped a beat. somebody, somebody loved him, and it seemed genuine. maybe, other boys said it to each other too? how would you ever know? they didn’t tell anyone about the nights they spend together, so why would anyone else tell others about their business? that’s what Nikolai thought. that’s what he forced himself to think. Nikolai finally brought his gaze up, but immediately squinted his eyes as they met the light. it wasn’t even that bright, but everything seems bright for a high person. Nikolai squeezes Huds’a shouders, burying his face into the crook of Huds’s neck, wrinkling the collar of his shirt. his dark lips open, taking in a low breath, pausing. lightly exhaling.

”i love you too…”