Chapter Text
Jayce was not panicking. He wasn’t.
Stress only makes it worse. He repeated to himself. Don’t panic. He took in a shaky breath before exhaling.
This wasn’t the first time he had been in a tight spot. All those other times, he had pulled through and managed just fine. However, it seems that today, the universe had decided that luck was not on his side. And this wasn’t the usual tight spot of meeting a strict deadline, or needing to cram out a few more hours of studying before an important exam.
No. This was something different in its entirety.
He looked at himself in the mirror. Instead of golden honey eyes, twin pools of dark brown stared back at him. If he knew that if he looked closely enough, he would be able to make out specks of dark red that scattered around his irises like tiny rose buds waiting to bloom. It was… unsettling. How unfamiliar yet familiar his eyes looked.
Constricting tendrils of anxiety and dread gripped around his chest and stomach like vines, threatening to squeeze the air right out of him. Don’t panic. He reminded himself. Stay calm. He took a shaky breath and then another. It didn’t feel like it was working, but he kept doing it anyway.
Looking back into the mirror, Jayce gently held up one side of his lips. Sure enough, just like he had feared when he had felt a sudden throbbing sensation in his head. Peeking out from his gums, sticking out like a sore thumb, was an elongated, sharp-tipped fang.
He had felt them protracting when he had been in the labs, causing him to rush out and into the nearest bathroom. He had felt them slide out from his gums like a pair of knives being unsheathed along the way. Even when he had tried to will them to stop and retract, but to no avail. It didn’t hurt. Not really. It was a strange sensation, but their unexpected presence had tipped Jayce off to what it was his body had been trying to tell him when it had sent a throbbing pain into his head.
Today was his feeding day.
Typically, Jayce would know when each feeding day was coming up. He had taken care to mark each one down on his calendar (his secret second calendar) and make sure to take his blood supplement (or blood bag) right in the morning. He had thought that he had another week before he would need to feed again, but it would seem that this one had decided to come a whole week early.
He had practically sprinted out of the labs like he was a man on borrowed time when the first onset of dizziness had hit him. If he could have mistaken that painful throb in his head as just dehydration or stress, there was no mistaking the lightheadedness that had shortly followed.
Jayce bitterly chuckled to himself. I’m sure Viktor thought I looked crazy… He hadn’t said a word to his partner, just shot out of his chair and bolted. He must think I’m either crazy or just plain rude leaving him without a word like that… I’ll apologize to him later.
He stared down at his hands, not wanting to look at himself or his face any longer. He sees a flash of an image in his mind. Sinking his fangs into one of his hands and feeling the blood drip out.
The graphic nature of that mental image made his eyes widen. He closed his eyes, and pressed one of his hands—they were so cold —to his face. Usually, he would’ve hated how cold his hands felt. They weren’t meant to be cold. They were usually so warm—people had told him as such that he was like a walking furnace—and it sent a way of wrongness through him. Adding itself right next where the dwelling panic was still lingering right in his chest like a weight trying to drag him down.
His teeth were aching now. That was apparent. It wasn’t exactly painful, but he knew that the longer he wanted to satiate it. The worse it would get.
Another flash of an image, this time of him biting into someone’s neck and tearing it open sent a jolt through him.
Inhaling sharply as if he had been treating a wound with rubbing alcohol, he squeezed his eyes tightly shut and pressed his cold hands over them as if that would make the images go away.
Revolting. You’re disgusting.
Jayce could feel his breathing starting to quicken, if it hadn’t already. He wanted to go home and bury himself under his bed, under his blankets, and never come out. He wanted to press himself into the floor and disappear into it, hopefully leaving these awful images and feelings behind. He just wanted to be anywhere , but here.
You don’t deserve to want. You selfish thing.
He was selfish. Selfish for wanting to take something so vital from someone else. Selfish for even needing it in the first place. Why couldn’t he just not want it… Why couldn’t he…
He was starting to breathe too quickly again.
Deep breaths. In and out. Come on. He inhaled and exhaled, trying to keep a steady pace in an attempt to keep some control over his breathing. It was admittedly clumsy and he may have been going a bit fast with the inhales, but at least it gave him something else to focus on.
The throbbing in his head was growing in intensity now. More than likely, reacting to his poor attempts of keeping himself calm about the situation.
Turn off the lights. Some part of his mind whispered. They were too bright. Too much. And it was starting to hurt, even though his eyes were squeezed shut and covered by his hands. Without thinking about it too much, he reached and felt around for the light switch until his fingers landed on it. Switching the lights off, the pain reduced a fraction.
The ache in his teeth didn’t reduce at all. If anything, it seemed to be getting stronger. He swallowed as he felt saliva that was pooling in his mouth. Was he really drooling already? He clamped his jaw tightly shut, even as he felt the tips of his fangs prick at the inside of his mouth. Maybe the pressure from that would be enough to briefly stifle the aching.
It didn’t. Not really. If anything, it just made his mind throb as if it sensed that it wasn’t biting anything and was making its disapproval apparent. And it wasn’t going to be satisfied by merely pretending to bite something.
This was bad . He needed to get home, but could he even make it home?
A sharp pang in his head answered that question for him. He hissed, firmly pressing his palm to his head. He leaned over the bathroom sink, using his other hand to keep himself balanced. The cool surface of the sink along with the cold palm of his hand acted like anchors to keep him from
There was no way he would be able to get home like this. Not without potentially causing a scene, or worse… but if he stayed in here. That wouldn’t end much better…
Then, there was a knock at the bathroom door.
“Jayce?”
Viktor.
His eyes shot wide open, looking in the direction of the door. In his peripheral vision, he could see in the mirror that his eyes were faintly glowing in the darkness. He hadn’t heard the footsteps of someone approaching or the familiar tapping of Viktor’s crutch against the floor, but he had probably been too entrenched in his own thoughts to be paying much attention to his surroundings. But now, he could clearly hear a heartbeat on the other side of the door. Beating rhythmically, pumping blood all throughout the body. A body that was just on the other side of the door. It made his fangs ache with want. With a need to sink into warm flesh and drain the blood straight out of the veins that rested within.
Without even thinking, he stepped over to the door like he was intent on opening it. Some part of him desperately wanted to. Wanted him to throw open the door, likely tearing it off its hinges, and lunge at Viktor and sink his fangs into his neck. That part of him was practically singing at how good it would feel to do so. He could feel it, clawing at the walls of his mind like a critter trying to dig its way through a wooden door to get at the reward that rested on the other side.
But another part of him, the logical part of him, screamed: DON’T OPEN THE DOOR. And luckily, that was enough to make him pause halfway with his hand already outstretched towards the handle. Jayce blinked like he had just come out of a trance. Shaking his head, he looked at the door handle once again. He felt a crawling feeling of nausea settle in his stomach as he replayed what could have just happened if he had listened to his instincts instead of his logic.
I really am disgusting… Thinking of doing such a thing… Viktor… he… he can’t see me like this… He didn’t need to look in the mirror to know how he must look to other people right now. He would be disgusted if he saw you right now.
Jayce reached for the door handle again, making sure that it was locked.
He cleared his throat before trying to speak, but his voice still came out sounding wrong. “Viktor?” His voice sounded hoarse, like he was sick. He felt sick, so perhaps that made sense.
Upon hearing his response, he heard Viktor let out a small sigh, “Are you okay? You ran off in quite a hurry.” Viktor’s voice sounded concerned. Jayce clamped his hand over his mouth to keep himself from opening his mouth. He could feel it painfully aching at the sound of another’s heartbeat so close.
Concern that shouldn’t be spent on you. Not when you’re just thinking about tearing him apart a moment ago. You’re practically drooling over the thought. Truly disgusting.
“Are you sick? Do you need me to call someone?” Viktor asked, seemingly choosing not to question why the lights were off in the bathroom, or as to why Jayce was just sitting there in complete darkness.
“Don’t come in. Please.” Jayce rushed out before he could stop himself. He was certain that his voice sounded near frantic, but maybe that would help to convey to Viktor the seriousness of it all. Added with, he knew that even if the door was locked, that has certainly never stopped Viktor before. He couldn’t risk that.
“I won’t.” Viktor responded, he sounded gentle when he spoke. “Is it a migraine? Do you need me to get something for you? Maybe some medicine?”
He really wasn’t deserving of Viktor, but he was still thankful that he wasn’t rushing to get into the bathroom even when he was obviously concerned about Jayce.
Jayce thought for a moment about what he should say to him. He could just say he was fine and tell Viktor that he can return to the labs, and continue working. But then, what? He can’t just stay in here the rest of the day. There’s no telling what could happen—he knew what would happen—if he waited too long to deal with it. And he can’t get home like this. He didn’t trust himself and his waning self-control enough to do that.
No, he couldn’t endanger other people by pretending that he was fine when he wasn’t.
And he had an inkling that Viktor wouldn’t be so gullible to just believe him even if he tried to convince him that he was fine.
Should he just ask Viktor for help?
You were just thinking about draining him dry and now you’re thinking about bothering him with helping you? Why should he help someone like you?
He could feel tears starting to well up in his eyes, whether it was from sadness or frustration he wasn’t sure.
He was backed into a corner. The only thing that he really could do—apart from revealing himself and effectively ruining his entire life—was asking his partner for help. Even with that in mind, asking Viktor to bring him blood was out of the question. That would get him curious and then Viktor may start asking questions. Questions that Jayce did not want to answer.
I just need iron. Something to hold me over long enough to get home. He pressed his forehead against the door and that somewhat grounded him.
He swallowed hard, pushing down the stirring in his chest that wanted to get at the person on the other side of the door.
“Viktor?” His voice sounded gravelly.
“Yes, Jayce? Do you need something?” The kindness in Viktor’s voice made Jayce feel both worse and somehow better.
“I…” Just say it. “...I need you to get me some liver.” He felt something very similar to shame curled in his chest before tightening like someone securing a bow. A part of him wanted to just curl up onto the floor and not move. It would feel so good to just disappear right now.
Please. He internally begged. Please, don’t ask why. Please, understand. Please. It felt kind of pathetic to beg like this, but he wasn’t sure what else to do.
Viktor was quiet on the other side—save for his heartbeat, but Jayce was trying his best to not focus on it—which didn’t help the anxiety that was beginning to pool in Jayce’s stomach like a heavyweight that wanted to drag him into the dark depths.
“Okay. I will.” Viktor’s voice sliced through Jayce’s internal pleading. It didn’t sound disgusted, or judgemental. Just casual. “I’ll be right back.” He heard the sound of footsteps and the telltale tapping of Viktor’s crutch against the floor as he walked away from the door. And with it, Viktor’s heartbeat got further and further away.
Jayce felt something tugging his chest at the sounds of Viktor fading. Of his heartbeat getting further away until it was a silent murmur in a sea of sounds. His teeth were now aching something fierce, probably from the frustration of their prey getting away. There was another flash, this time of him chasing Viktor down and sinking his fangs deep into his neck.
He felt like he was going to throw up. What was wrong with him? There truly was something wrong with him. That he would even be having such thoughts in the first place. He wanted to manually tear them from his brain. To root around until he found all of the worst parts and could just throw them in the trash.
He momentarily dwelled on the thought of pulling out his fangs. Of finally ridding himself of those accursed things. He had thought this before. He knew he must be strong enough to do it. But all other times, he was too weak to actually go through with it. Maybe he was scared of the pain. Or he was just too weak-willed to do something so simple. So, instead of ridding himself of his fangs, he instead sank to the floor by the sink.
It might’ve been considered gross to sit down on the bathroom floor, but right now, Jayce didn’t care. He just didn’t want to keep standing. Not when his head was throbbing like it wanted to split open and reveal all of the horrible components that laid within it like a tainted geode.
He squeezed his eyes shut once again and tried to think about something, anything , to keep his thoughts occupied while he waited.
Please, hurry back, Vik.