Chapter Text
The alarm started ringing, and Sirius felt as though a bug had crawled into his ear and was now banging against his brain from the inside. Without wanting to open his eyes, and letting out a groan, he reached for his phone on the nightstand to turn it off. He sighed as soon as the buzzing stopped, even though he knew the peace was temporary and the alarm would go off again in a few minutes.
His arm ended up falling over his eyes to block the sunlight pouring into the room, silently cursing his past self for leaving the curtains open. His eyes snapped open as he remembered why they had been left that way the night before.
Ignoring the sting in his head from the hangover he was nursing due the absurd amount of alcohol he had drank just a couple of hours before, he slowly sat up in bed and looked at the body sleeping next to him.
This time, it was a man with sandy brown hair, and his stomach turned at the first image his brain sent him upon seeing that hair color.
Sighing, and taking advantage of the man’s deep sleep, he stood up and quietly began collecting his belongings before leaving the bedroom to get dressed in the living room, far away from the stranger, because just being close to him hurt his heart.
He tied his hair into a messy bun and put on the sunglasses he always carried. Once he confirmed he hadn’t forgotten anything of his belongings, he called the elevator and left the suite without saying goodbye to whoever had accompanied him that night. Something that, by this time of year, had become quite a routine.
As soon as he stepped out of the hotel, he placed a cigarette between his lips and took a drag, letting the nicotine relax him. It would be the first of countless cigarettes he’d smoke that day.
He checked his messages, replying only to James to let him know he was on his way to the studio. The response he got wasn’t exactly comforting, but at least it gave him a bit more time to mentally prepare.
That was when he remembered why he had made such poor decisions the night before, why he drank until he could barely remember his name and let himself be taken to a hotel by a stranger who had promised him the best night of his life. And, like always, it ended up being pretty mediocre.
After a twelve-month break, The Marauders were getting back together to start preparing a new album and eventually plan a tour. Which, sure, sounded great, if it wasn’t for what that reunion meant.
After a year, he was going to see Remus again, the man he had been in a relationship with for seven years, and who had broken up with him sixteen months ago. Sixteen months and twenty days, to be exact. Remus, whom he had met at eleven years old and fallen in love with at sixteen. Remus, the love of his life, the man he had planned to propose to after the tour was over. Remus, who only five months after they broke up was already rumored to be dating, and who had new rumors just two months ago. Remus, the man he still couldn’t get over and the reason he couldn’t spend more than one night with anyone else. Remus, who maybe unknowingly had hurt him in the worst way possible, after promising to love him forever.
Sirius stubbed out the cigarette once it burned out and immediately lit another one, picking up his pace on the street. He needed at least a few minutes alone with James before facing Remus again, after everything that had happened.
He felt like an idiot for agreeing to this reunion in the first place, but he had truly believed he could handle it. He had spent months trying to forget Remus, distracting himself with vices and hobbies just to keep him from invading every thought. And still, he had never truly forgotten him. But he had convinced himself he could handle a single day in the same room as Remus without having a full-on nervous breakdown.
Now, just two blocks from the studio, he wasn’t so sure anymore.
And, as always, the universe was never on his side.
When he reached the studio block, he saw a couple standing on the opposite corner, and he would have recognized one of them even if he were blind. Remus looked exactly the same, messy hair, freckles glowing under the sunlight, and dressed like a librarian nerd. Bile rose in Sirius’ throat when he saw the blond man standing in front of him, smiling fondly and stepping forward with open arms.
Sirius didn’t wait to see them embrace. He stubbed out his cigarette on the ground and ran up the building’s stairs.
“Good mor—” Peter’s greeting died in his throat as Sirius rushed straight to the bathroom, “—ning.”
He wasn’t even sure what he was throwing up, he didn’t remember eating anything in the past twelve hours, so he assumed it was just the alcohol from the night before.
When the ordeal was over, he rinsed his mouth as best as he could and popped a mint gum to mask his breath.
Deep down, he knew he had no right to feel physically sick from seeing Remus with someone new, not when he came home most weekends smelling like someone different. Even that day, he knew Remus would be able to tell he had spent the night in someone else’s bed, because the masculine cologne lingering on his clothes was nothing like the scents Sirius normally wore.
And he had every right to sleep with whoever he wanted, just like Remus had every right to move on and date someone else. They had broken up. Over a year ago.
He opened the bathroom door, adjusting his sunglasses on his head and forcing his best smile, the one he had perfected after years of living in that hell that called itself the Black House. Still, Peter and James greeted him with concerned looks from the other side of the room.
“Guys,” he said, walking toward the table in the center of the room. From the corner of his eye, he saw Remus walk in, followed by Lily carrying several coffee cups. “Good morning.”
He could feel Remus’ eyes on him, but he ignored it completely, just like he ignored the spasms in his right eye, and took a seat, thankful that James sat beside him and Peter across the table.
“I brought coffee!” Lily announced, placing the disposable cups on the table.
If there was one thing Sirius had missed about being here, it was the coffee shop across the street.
“You just lit up my life, darling,” he said, grabbing the cup with his name on it. He stood up to kiss her cheek.
After working as their manager for a while, Lily had memorized everyone’s coffee preferences, and on meeting days, she always made sure to bring them something.
“It’s good to see you all again,” she said with a genuine smile, although Sirius could see the worry behind her eyes, probably something that had been building up ever since their break started winding down. “But I need to ask one more time, and I know I’ve asked a thousand times already, but I have to be completely sure. Are you all okay with coming back? Because if not, I can make calls and I know we can extend the break a little longer, there really won't be any problem.”
Even though the question was for everyone, Lily’s eyes kept moving between him and Remus.
“We’re adults, Lils,” Sirius replied, giving her a reassuring smile, even though he was a mess inside and all he could think about was running away. “We can behave like it.”
“My answer is still the same. I miss making music and sharing the stage with them.”
Sirius didn’t hear Peter’s joke afterward, as he was too focused on keeping himself together, because this was the first time in a year he had heard Remus' voice. And it still sounded as soft and steady as ever.
James placed a hand over his under the table, giving it a firm squeeze. That was all Sirius needed to come back down to earth and calm the anxious shake in his leg.
“Alright, let’s get started then.”
What followed was mostly what Lily had already explained to him on the phone a month earlier. They would have no more than six months to record and produce a new album, followed by three months dedicated to everything that came with releasing it (with the possibility of two additional months for promotion, as that part always dragged on), and then they’d start planning a European tour, hoping it would expand worldwide.
He had spent a whole year preparing for just one day in the same room as Remus, and his efforts weren’t even paying off. He had no idea how he was going to go back to the routine of working beside him like nothing had happened, or, worse, how he’d survive a whole damn world tour.
James never once let go of his hand, and Sirius was silently grateful for it.
“I have a meeting with the label now, so I’ll leave you to sort out the songs for the new album. Good luck, and don’t kill each other. Love you all.”
Sirius couldn’t help but laugh at that, remembering how the first time they were in a studio deciding which songs to use, a fight had exploded between them.
Lily hugged each of them before leaving, and they were left in slightly awkward silence. Sirius hated silence. He had started hating it even more after the breakup.
“Alright,” he was the first to speak, to no one’s surprise. “Did you bring your drafts?”
The three men pulled out papers and notebooks from their bags. James handed Sirius his own drafts, the ones he had asked James to pick up from his place the day before, knowing he wouldn’t go back there until after the meeting,mand Sirius thanked him for it.
“That one’s good,” James said, noticing Sirius’ eyes fixed on a particular page. “It’s deep, it’d add the punch the album needs.”
Sirius shook his head, folding the lyrics and slipping them into his pocket.
“I’m not ready to put that one out yet,” he said, knowing both Peter and Remus had heard him.
And it was a miracle only James knew the lyrics, because that song was probably the most personal he had ever written.
“Fifteen songs then. That’s a solid number,” Peter said, smiling.
The rest of the meeting passed calmly. It almost felt like nothing had changed, and in some ways, it hadn’t. When they were in the studio, they turned back into eighteen-year-olds arguing over which of James’ songs was the least pathetic, or whether the verse sounded better with Peter’s voice or Sirius’.
Even though everything had changed, just for that morning, Sirius let himself believe that nothing had. Even when his hands shook every time Remus spoke, or when he could feel Remus’ eyes on him, even though he couldn’t bring himself to look back, because his heart kept breaking like it had sixteen months ago.
They agreed to meet again on Thursday to start recording the demos, not before promising to review the lyrics proposed by everyone else, although Sirius was pretty sure he wouldn’t have the strength to read the ones written by Remus.
By noon, they wrapped up the meeting, or at least Sirius did. His body was already exhausted from the night before, his head was pounding, and he was emotionally drained. James offered to walk him home when Peter and Remus got caught up talking, but Sirius declined, he truly needed to be alone.
He hugged everyone goodbye just as Remus walked into the kitchen, so he just said a loud “goodbye,” not daring to say his name for fear of breaking down in tears.
When he stepped outside, he saw the same blond guy from that morning waiting in the downstairs lobby. He smiled widely and greeted Sirius politely, even enthusiastically. Sirius, who already felt the urge to vomit again just imagining him anywhere near Remus, rolled his eyes, threw on his sunglasses, and walked out of the building without acknowledging him. He really wasn't in the mood for being polite with his ex' rumoured new boyfriend.
The apartment he shared with Regulus, where he had been living for the past year, was a bit far from the studio. After thinking it over for a minute, and knowing he’d probably pass out from exhaustion along the way, he decided to take a taxi.
He needed to save his energy and his time as well, both of which were running out fast, especially as the lump in his throat began to form.
He entered the penthouse a few minutes later and sighed as he removed his sunglasses and let down his hair.
Regulus was waiting for him on the living room couch, looking up expectantly when he walked in.
“So? How did it go?” he asked, trying to smile in a supportive way. The smile vanished instantly when he saw the pout Sirius couldn’t stop making.
All Sirius had to do was shake his head, and Regulus stood up and walked over. He didn’t hug him —Regulus wasn’t one for physical contact— but just having him close was enough to make Sirius feel a little better.
“It was… fine, all things considered. But it was hard, like really fucking hard,” he managed to say, though his voice was tight from the lump in his throat.
“Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling?” Regulus asked. Sirius nodded, even if he wasn’t sure he really did, and followed him to the couch. “So? What did you feel when you saw him?”
“I threw up,” Sirius said.
Regulus looked slightly surprised but also like he had expected it.
“I couldn’t look at him all morning, not even out of the corner of my eye, because when I arrived, he was with that guy… the one from the article. And when I saw them together, I threw up.”
He grimaced and let the silence settle between them, giving himself time to breathe.
“What did you feel when you saw them together?” Regulus asked, placing a hand on his shoulder for comfort.
Regulus had been there the day he saw the news on TV. By that time of year, Sirius had already convinced himself that thinking about Remus didn’t hurt… too much. It still hurt, but he was healing. Or at least, he had been, until that morning.
They were having breakfast and Regulus had turned on the morning news, like he always did before work because he had the mindset of a damn eighty-year-old man. And for the first time ever, the lead story was about music.
“Marauders guitarist, Remus Lupin, vacationing in Wrexham, Wales,” read the headline, and on the screen was a photo of Remus with a faint smile, holding hands with a blonde man flashing a wide grin. Beside it, another photo of the two of them hugging.
It didn’t take Sirius more than a minute to understand the news. Wrexham was the city where Remus had been born, where his mother lived, and where he had visited countless times throughout his youth.
Sirius didn’t even finish his cereal. He just stood up and ran to the bathroom, throwing up and destroying all the progress he’d made in his healing process.
Now, two months later, he felt even worse.
He ran a hand over his chest, rubbing the spot where his heart was, which was now aching in an almost unbearable way. His face twisted in pain as his eyes filled with tears.
“It hurts,” he managed to whisper, his voice breaking. “It hurts so much, Reggie.”
The crying came quickly. Regulus hugged him gently, and Sirius clung to him tightly as a sob tore through his throat and he began crying uncontrollably.
And there he stayed for long minutes, just like so many times before. It almost felt like going back in time, because this scene wasn’t much different from the day he returned from the tour.
That day, he cried nearly nonstop for what felt like a whole month, unable to sleep for more than two hours at a time, waking from nightmares only to cry again like a child.
After the breakup, Sirius isolated himself for nearly three months from everyone, letting only Regulus near him, letting him pick up all his shattered pieces, one by one. “I owe you for that night,” Regulus had said, referring to the time Sirius helped him escape that house. James and Peter had been going crazy during that time in which Sirius couldn’t even talk to them because they were too tied to memories, and those memories always included Remus.
When Sirius finally became aware of time again —he didn’t even know how long he’d been crying— Regulus’ shirt was soaked with his tears, but he was still gently rubbing his back, even as the hiccups of his sobs kept shaking his body long after the crying had stopped.
“Why?” he asked as he pulled away from the hug, though he wasn’t even sure what he was asking or why he was asking Regulus, who couldn’t possibly give him a real answer.
His brother grimaced while gently wiping away the leftover tears on his cheeks and tried, unsuccessfully, to fix his hair a little.
“Sometimes love just isn’t enough, Sirius,” was his answer. Sirius could feel his eyes filling with tears again, a pout forming on his lips. “But enough of the mopping, you stink. Go shower, then get some sleep. You seem like you need the rest.”
He let out a small laugh through the tears and nodded before standing up. He weakly thanked Regulus for taking care of him and went up to his room, knowing that even though his eyes were heavy and his body was begging for a bed, he needed a shower first, his clothes were a mess of smells.
Sirius had once heard it was possible to die of a broken heart, but now he wasn’t so sure, because his heart had broken sixteen months ago, it still hadn’t healed and he's still alive somehow. It still hurt just as much as it did on day one.
Sirius spent the two days leading up to the second meeting feeling miserable. Even though he tried to act like nothing had happened, seeing Remus had been too much and knowing he’d have to see him again over the coming weeks as the band resumed activities made it even worse.
It was early Tuesday morning. The apartment was completely silent, even though James had stayed over after dinner, so Sirius assumed he and Regulus had already gone to sleep. Sirius, however, was far from being able to.
Letting out a sigh, he grabbed the sheets of paper he had left on his desk, a pack of cigarettes, and stepped out onto the terrace.
He had been putting off reading the songs submitted for the new album for two days, maybe hoping to gather the strength to face the ones Remus had written.
And even if he tried to read them without thinking about who had written them, he would recognize a Remus song no matter what.
He read the songs written by James and Peter first, even though he was already somewhat familiar with their lyrics because, except for Valentine, written by Peter and Remus months before the breakup, were the easiest to get through.
But the moment he read the first line of the song written by Remus, his hands began to tremble, and he had to light a cigarette in a desperate attempt to calm his racing heart.
I’m still moon-shooting
He had no idea what Remus had in mind for the song, but it was easy to imagine a slightly melancholic melody, something that would convey the yearning and anguish laced in the lyrics.
It was such a Remus song that Sirius couldn’t stop his eyes from welling up with tears.
From just a few lines, he could tell it had probably been written weeks before their relationship ended—, when things had started to become almost unbearable for Remus. Sirius remembered those days far too well, when it seemed like the light of comfort and peace that used to shine from Remus was slowly dimming.
Oh, wearin’ me out, comparin’ myself
Drownin’ in doubt, while you’re up in the stars
He remembered how even the spark in his eyes had started to fade, and how some nights, Remus couldn’t even bear to be around him and ended up sleeping in Peter’s room.
Those had been such dark, exhausting days, especially since they were still touring and had to pretend like nothing was wrong so as not to worry the fans. That only seemed to frustrate Remus more.
I just wanna shine with you
And, as expected, things eventually fell apart between them.
His cheeks were soaked in tears that kept falling nonstop, but Sirius felt a small sliver of pride in having managed to read at least one song written by Remus, one that was clearly meant for him.
But he couldn’t keep going. Just reading the title of the next song made him let out a sob far too loud to suppress.
Fallen Star. He knew just from the title that it was about him, and just skimming a few lines scattered across the page turned his quiet tears into full-on, heart-wrenching sobs.
I wanna be your lifeline but everybody can’t be a millionaire
He set the papers aside, crying once more over the same damn thing. He cried for how unfair it all was, how cruel fate had been in making them believe what they had could last forever.
As soon as he finished the cigarette, he stubbed it out in the ashtray on the table and headed back into his room, lacking the strength to keep reading those drafts.
And even though he tried to stand up and at least glance at the three songs that were left, he couldn’t bring himself to do it, not even knowing how pathetic he’d look if he ended up crying in front of Remus when they recorded them.
That night, he didn’t sleep either. The next morning, he was met with slightly worried looks from James and Regulus, but neither of them tried to get him to talk. He was grateful for that, he wasn’t sure he could survive crying over Remus and their failed relationship one more time.
I’ll keep you far away from me like a star
The pre-recording sessions for the songs turned out to be not as bad as Sirius had expected. Everyone already had a base for the instrumental of each track, which saved them time and energy, and, most importantly, spared Sirius from having to spend too much time with Remus in the studio, which would have been unbearable.
In less than two weeks, they were ready to begin the official recording process. And although everyone was excited to finally get started, they still had to wait a couple more days.
“Have you thought about it again?” James asked as they walked together toward Sirius’ apartment after their latest group meeting where they’d finalized the demos.
“Thought about what?”
“The song.”
Sirius had to hold back the grimace that wanted to form on his face. Ever since James had read the draft lyrics of that song, he had been insisting it would be a great idea to include it on the album.
“My answer’s still the same, James,” he replied, lighting a cigarette. “All my songs have sad lyrics. I’m not adding another one just so people can start theorizing that I’m depressed after someone broke my heart.”
Even though, in reality, he had been depressed after someone broke his heart. But the fans didn’t need to know that.
“Still, it’d be nice to have a slow song on the album,” James said with a shrug, knowing that bringing up how Sirius had been after the breakup wasn’t a good idea.
“We already have one, don’t we? Older is slow. Besides, I’m really not ready to share that song with the world.” And Sirius didn’t think he ever would be.
“Yeah, but it’s more of a love song, technically.” Sirius dropped the cigarette and put it out with the sole of his shoe as they reached the building. “Speaking of that song, do you think Reg would want to sing it with me?”
Sirius turned to look at him, noticeably surprised by the question.
“I thought you wanted Peter and me to sing it.”
“Well, I changed my mind,” James said as they walked toward the elevator. “I want to sing it myself because it’s a really personal song for me. And Reg is… Well, he’s Reg.”
A smile appeared on Sirius’s lips at that. James didn’t need to explain why he wanted his brother to be part of the song, Sirius already knew. Regulus was the person James had grown up with and the one he wanted to grow old beside.
“You can ask him,” he replied, still smiling as they stepped out of the elevator and into their penthouse. “I’m sure he’d love to.”
And as if summoned, Regulus appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, a bit of flour dusting his cheek.
“Are you talking about me?” he asked, looking at Sirius, though his eyes quickly shifted to James, a silly smile spreading on his lips. “Hi, I’m making pizza for dinner.”
“God, you know I love your pizza,” James replied, smiling at him in the same goofy way.
After a brief exchange, James ended up joining Regulus in the kitchen to help him cook, and Sirius went to his room, a deep ache in his chest, but feeling genuinely glad that at least they could be happy.
The first song to be officially recorded was 2011, which James had written one night when he felt too nostalgic to bear it, and he had even cried while writing it.
“I hope you cry while singing it too,” he told Remus and Peter, who would be the ones performing it.
Even just the instrumental already felt nostalgic, gentle at the beginning, building toward the end of the song, where James had demanded that their bassist and guitarist convey “that something” he needed to be felt.
None of them really knew what “that something” James was talking about was, but they seemed to get it anyway.
Peter was the first to step in and record his part, since he opened the song.
"I miss the days when we were young and not too wise, only doin’ what felt right, with open hearts and open eyes," sang the blond with a nostalgic smile on his face, and Sirius finally understood what “that something” was —and why both Remus and Peter were the perfect ones to bring it out.
James was smiling, nodding along as Peter continued singing. Sirius could tell he’d start tearing up any second now. Remus was standing beside him, and even though Sirius didn’t dare look at him directly, he knew he was smiling too.
And in that moment, Sirius let himself think, let himself remember all the moments he’d shared with them, refusing to let the memories of him and Remus as a couple sour them. After all, they’d grown up together in more ways than one, and before they were lovers, they had been friends too.
"Maybe it’s just too late for the old me, maybe there’s no point in holdin’ on to somethin’ closely", Peter continued, and Sirius had to try his hardest not to let the tears welling in his eyes fall. "I should let it go, I should let it fade. ‘Cause nothin’ lasts forever, nothin’ stays the same."
James’s songs always carried a nostalgic feel. To Sirius, James was one of the best songwriters among the four of them, his songs always had "that something", that feeling only James could put into words.
But this song was something else, and all four of them could feel it. You could tell just by the smiles on their faces.
“Great job, Pete,” James said through the mic once Barty paused the instrumental. “Let’s move on to the next part, yeah?”
Peter nodded, adjusting his headphones and signaling for the track to start again.
He recorded his part in the second verse and then repeated the pre-chorus. By the time he reached the chorus, Sirius couldn’t stop his eyes from welling up.
Why do we ruin our dreams?
Why do we sabotage things?
Somehow, Sirius felt like James had written that song for two people in the room. And he was sure Remus was thinking the same.
The weight in his chest grew even heavier as the song reached its climax.
Back to the days when the days were better.
A single tear slid down James’s cheek as Peter finished recording.
“That’s deep, man,” Barty said after the applause faded and Peter stepped out of the booth.
“Yeah, well, it’s James —you know how he is,” Sirius replied with a smile.
“I know everyone’s feeling emotional, but save your tears for the final cut,” James said, this time smiling proudly. “Remus, time for you to do your magic.”
It wasn’t until that moment that Sirius realized he should’ve mentally prepared himself to hear Remus sing.
Sirius had always loved Remus’s voice, even before they started singing together as a band. His voice had always been the only thing that could calm him when he was anxious or angry, the only thing that could lift him when he was sad. Sirius used to say his voice was magic. And the first time he heard him sing, oh, Sirius knew he was in love.
And from that moment on, he swore he fell in love with Remus all over again every time he heard him sing.
"Why do we complicate it? Why do we get so jaded?" Remus began the chorus, and Sirius surprised himself by holding his breath. "Can we just go back, go back to 2011?"
By the time Remus finished recording the chorus, Sirius had to pretend to go to the kitchen for a glass of water, because he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore.
All the progress he thought he’d made, and Remus’ voice still had that same magic effect on him. Though he knew he wasn’t the only one, Remus’ voice was so unique it could carry any emotion a lyric demanded.
When he came back to the studio, Remus had already started recording his part in the second verse.
We fantasized about the future
But now we dream about the past
Sirius didn’t even try to hide the tears in his eyes. Peter, seeing him, wrapped an arm around his shoulders and gave him a teary smile of his own.
“I hate you, James,” he said with a laugh.
James turned to look at them, laughing too, and not bothering to hide the tears on his face.
“Oh, believe me, I hate me too.”
But Sirius definitely hated Remus more the moment he opened his mouth to sing the song’s climax.
"Back to the days when the days were better," he sang in a tone higher than Peter’, his voice soaring above the rest in that signature Remus way that only made the weight on Sirius’ chest grow heavier.
The desire to turn back time, to relive every single moment he’d spent with them, had never been stronger.
Sirius snapped back to reality when applause filled the room, and he found himself staring at Remus like he was the only person in the world, a tear rolling down his cheek.
Eventually, Remus caught his gaze, and everything else seemed to fade. It felt like he’d been transported back to 2011, fifteen again, realizing he was in love with his best friend.
Remus offered him a small smile, though Sirius could see how uncertain he was about even doing that. Sirius didn’t know if he smiled back. All he knew was that he was the first to look away and wipe the tear from his face.
Once the final touches were added, the song was finished, and this time, none of them could hold back their tears. Even Barty looked like he might cry at any moment.
“This song’s definitely going on the setlist, no questions asked,” Peter said, wiping his tears, and everyone agreed with him.
“Love you guys. This calls for a group hug,” James said this time.
Laughing, the four of them embraced and stayed like that for a while, simply enjoying each other’s company, sharing tears and —Sirius was sure— each of them thinking about how far they’d come to get to where they were now.
And just for that moment, Sirius let himself believe that everything would be okay, and that maybe he could pretend nothing had changed.
For the band.
For his friends.
During those weeks, they kept recording the songs written by James and Peter, which helped maintain a not-so-tense atmosphere and allowed Sirius to pretend that everything was still the same.
“This should be the lead single,” James said after finishing recording, nearly at one in the morning.
“We can’t have a song called Sex as the lead single, Prongs,” Peter replied. He’d written the song and looked quite proud of it.
“Why not? It’s one of the catchiest ones we’ve got so far,” Sirius added, and James nodded in agreement.
“I’m just saying the title might be a little much. Robbers is my candidate for lead single,” Peter said, although he quickly started backpedaling when he saw James’ smug grin. “Oh my God, I take it back. It’s the worst song on the album.”
“It’s one of the best! And not just because of my amazing talent in writing and producing, but because Remus is the best singer among us,” James replied. At that, Sirius and Remus both started mock-fighting him; just joking, of course, because they all agreed Remus had done an excellent job with that track.
The reason things weren’t as tense anymore was that, although James’ songs were a bit nostalgic and full of metaphors, they weren’t about heartbreak. And Peter’ songs… well, they were written by Peter.
“Go on and light me like a cigarette? Seriously, Pete?” Sirius read, frowning. The blond just shrugged.
“It could be a metaphor —like, she’s so bright she sets me on fire.”
“I love the way you’re screaming my name, what’s that a metaphor for?”
“Oh, this one’s even worse,” Remus chimed in. “Go on and spit me out.”
Sirius turned to look at him, and there was a beat of silence before they both burst into laughter. Together.
Sirius tried to ignore the way his heart raced when they calmed down and ended up gazing at each other for a few seconds before he looked away, feeling his cheeks heat up completely.
“I can’t believe I have to sing about how much you like having sex with Gilderoy.”
“James is just as guilty as I am!”
“I think James might be even worse,” Remus added.
“Oh, definitely,” Sirius agreed. “But James is a romantic. He doesn’t write about wanting my brother to spit in his mouth. Not yet, anyway.”
“Are you talking about me?” James walked into the room with coffees for everyone.
That night, Sirius went home trying not to think too much about the fact that, after nearly nineteen months, he’d had a normal conversation with Remus, no matter how short it had been.
“Sirius—”
“No.”
“Can you at least try to listen to us?”
“I said no, Pete. I’m not changing my mind.”
“But—”
“No buts. Can we just start recording and stop wasting time?”
The peace and harmony ended the week they started recording the remaining songs. And though Sirius tried to stay strong and not show how much it affected him, hearing Remus sing the songs he’d written for him hurt more than he’d like to admit.
They’d already recorded the instrumental for Somebody Else, a song Sirius had written, and the argument began when it came time to divide up the vocal parts.
“Could you at least consider it?” James insisted.
“But it would be unfair, and you all know it,” Sirius said, beginning to lose his patience. “I get that Remus’ voice would fit the song, but it’s not fair to make him sing one of my songs —especially this one— when he didn’t make me sing any of his.”
And while it might’ve sounded like a childish complaint, it wasn’t. Sirius didn’t want Remus to have to sing about how Sirius had moved on but didn’t want anyone else by his side —which was partially true, but he was far from over him—, because he knew how much it would hurt. Just like it would’ve hurt Sirius to sing about how Remus would always wait for him.
“About that…” Remus was the one to speak this time, and Sirius turned to look at him.
“What?”
“I really don’t mind doing it,” he said. “And we've been talking with the guys, your voice would sound better in the chorus of one of my songs too.”
Sirius had to admit, he wasn’t expecting that.
“Which one? I thought we’d already recorded them all.”
“Moodswings. It’s partially recorded, we just need your vocals for the chorus.” Remus tried to keep a neutral expression, but Sirius had no idea which song he was talking about. Of course, Remus read him like a book and added, “It’s not like the others. It’s a bit more personal, but only you can hit the notes we’re aiming for. I’ve read the lyrics to this song, and I really don’t mind singing it, Sirius.”
He looked at him for a few seconds before sighing, hating how weak he was whenever Remus said his name like that.
“Fine. Then Remus sings the chorus.”
I don’t want your body,
but I hate to think about you with somebody else.
The chorus definitely sounded better with Remus’ voice, although maybe it was just because it was Remus singing it. And even though he said it didn’t bother him, Sirius knew that deep down, it might hurt that Sirius had written a song like that about him.
Somebody Else had been written the same night Remus was rumored to be dating again —his second supposed date since the breakup. Sirius had been so hurt and angry that he convinced himself he never wanted to see Remus again. That feeling only lasted a week.
Moodswings, on the other hand, was absolute torture.
It wasn’t a song about missing him, waiting for him, or still loving him like the others. Sirius assumed that was because it had been written during the last few weeks they were together, when things were already falling apart.
Without you I don’t even know myself.
Through bloodshot eyes the sky is falling,
and I just wanna fucking push you away
The song was deep and more personal than anything Remus had ever written. The truth was, it didn’t hurt Sirius that Remus had felt that way back then, it hurt to hear the self-loathing in the lyrics, carried by the intertwined voices of Remus and Peter.
I can tell when you’re slipping from me,
even when it’s only subconsciously
Just hearing that line transported Sirius back to the final months of that tour, when physical and mental exhaustion —and all the things that kept piling up— took a toll on Remus, who never quite knew how to handle difficult situations.
I think I need you more than you need me
Not all those days were bad, because after every fight —probably loud enough for more than one hotel guest to hear— they’d always end up back together, if only to sleep in the same bed. After all, they’d spent years being each other’s safe place, and Sirius didn’t want to leave him alone, especially if doing so could deteriorate Remus’s mental health even more.
Weaponized words can get in the way,
nothing I say ever coming out straight
During all that time, Sirius had convinced himself they’d get through it, because at the end of the day, they were a strong couple, and fighting had always been a part of their youth, until Remus finally said something he knew would hurt him. And it did.
Sirius never blamed Remus for that. He knew Remus didn’t even believe the words —he was just speaking from anger and bottled-up emotions— but it still hurt. A lot.
After that fight, Sirius ended the relationship. And while there were nights he regretted it, he knew it had been the right choice for both of them.
It kills me when I try to push you away
When the song finished, he only nodded, he couldn’t speak around the lump in his throat. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Remus discreetly trying to wipe his cheeks, and that only made Sirius’ chest ache even more.
Muttering a half-baked excuse, he quickly said goodbye to everyone and left the studio, feeling guiltier than he had in a year—for walking away when Remus had needed him the most.
The first night Sirius spent in the apartment after the tour ended, he didn’t sleep.
They got off the plane feeling completely exhausted, not just because of the months filled with concerts, but also because of how draining it was to pretend everything was fine beside the person you once considered the love of your life and who had ended up breaking your heart in the worst possible way.
The ride from the airport to the building was even more silent and uncomfortable than the flight. The memories of all the promises they had made —now completely shattered— seemed to hang in the air between them. Sirius couldn’t even breathe.
It wasn’t until they crossed the front door that Remus spoke, his voice low and slow, as if he was afraid of how Sirius might react.
“I can sleep in the guest room, or on the couch," he said.
“I think it’d be better if you slept somewhere else,” Sirius replied after a few seconds, turning his back on him.
The silence that followed was unbearable. Sirius couldn’t even bring himself to turn around and see the expression on Remus’ face. He only heard him exhale, slightly shaky.
“Yeah, okay,” Remus said at last, sounding tired. “I’ll go get my things.”
A few minutes passed while Sirius pretended not to hear Remus’ footsteps down the hall, the sound of suitcase zippers, the rustle of clothes hastily packed, as if he couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
When Remus stood by the door with a couple of bags, Sirius was still in the same spot, his back to him, even though he knew he should look, he just couldn’t. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Remus, even though things had ended months ago.
“I’ll be at Peter’s, just in case,” Remus murmured, waiting a moment for an answer that never came. “Talk to you later, yeah?”
Sirius didn’t move, didn’t even try to reply. They both knew it would be a long time before they talked again.
The door closed, and the echo it left behind was enough to mark the end of their story. Only then, when he was completely alone, did the sob Sirius had been holding back for months finally rip through his throat.
It wasn’t the first time he cried. He’d cried himself to sleep in James’ arms the night of the fight. He’d cried again when they met up one afternoon to talk things over with a bit more calm. But being alone in that apartment... It was a whole new level of pain.
He still remembered the first time they had walked through that door, deciding it was perfect because of how bright and warm it felt, how much it felt like home. Now it was dark, cold.
And that home wasn’t his anymore.
Being alone in that apartment was the final blow, the one he needed to realize that his relationship with Remus was really over.
And that hurt like hell.
He forced himself to walk into the bedroom, even though the pain in his chest begged him to stay far away. Everything was just as they’d left it, and the scent that used to linger —a mix of both their colognes— was gone after the months they’d been away. That didn’t bring him much comfort either.
With blurred vision and unable to stop sobbing, he opened a bag and clumsily started packing the clothes Remus had left behind, ignoring how much it hurt. When he was done, he did the same with his own things.
In a separate box, he began putting away everything that reminded him of Remus. Gifts he had given him, notes with poems or songs he used to write, every photo of them together, a few records they’d listened to since they were teenagers. Everything that made his chest ache with nostalgia went into the box.
His hands trembled even more when, among his clothes, he found a small velvet box. He stared at it for a few seconds, thinking about how ruined his plan was now, and his eyes welled up again at the memory of the words that had shattered him. For a second, he was almost overcome with anger and had the impulse to throw it off the balcony. Instead, he tucked it into the box, making sure it was safe and hidden at the very bottom, as if that would help him forget it.
By the time he was done, the room was a mess, and he could barely see the sunrise through his tears.
He ended up sitting in the middle of the bed, wearing a sweatshirt he’d stolen from Remus years ago —now worn out from how often he wore it because it made him feel safe. He had stopped crying, but the headache was unbearable, and his breathing was still unsteady.
He still felt like he was drowning as he silently stared at the room where they had lived so much. The ghosts of all the shared laughter, whispered promises under the sheets, moonlit dances, and kisses that ended with a “forever” seemed to surround him, mocking him for how it all turned out.
With shaking hands, he grabbed his phone and texted Regulus, asking if he could stay with him for a while until he found a new place.
Then he texted Remus.
“Come get your stuff as soon as possible. I’m selling the apartment.
I’ll transfer you your half once it’s done.”
He knew it was a bit excessive and dramatic, but Sirius had never been good at handling things when emotions overwhelmed him. He knew Remus wouldn’t be back, and Sirius didn’t want to spend another minute alone. Not in that place.
Regulus’ reply came just a couple of hours later, and only then did Sirius realize he had probably ruined the reunion he and James had planned.
His brother came to pick him up and, along with James, helped him clear out the apartment.
That afternoon, once Remus confirmed there was nothing of his left, Sirius sold the apartment, sent him his share of the money, and without thinking too much, blocked his number.
While sitting in the back seat of Regulus’ car, Sirius, for the second time that day, felt like he couldn’t breathe.
His story with Remus was over, and he was sure they wouldn’t recover from it.
Sirius had decided to leave the song he found hardest to sing for last, thinking it would be a good idea.
Now, walking into the studio and finding only Remus there, he wanted to murder his past self.
He knew James was going out to dinner with Regulus that night for their anniversary, and Remus had mentioned —while they were setting everything up— that Peter also had a date with Gilderoy, and Barty always took Thursdays off to spend time with his mother.
The universe was definitely conspiring against him.
They didn’t talk much —barely at all, really— because there was nothing to say. And although Sirius preferred things to stay that way, the silence between them was so uncomfortable it made him want to scream. He finally let out a sigh of relief as soon as he shut himself inside that small booth.
He let out a shaky breath as the first notes of the song filled his headphones and, closing his eyes, began to sing.
I am someone who until recent events
you shared your secrets with
The Black Dog was the first song Sirius had written after the breakup with Remus, and he wrote it the same night those first dating rumors surfaced. He had written it angry, and hurt, and betrayed —so the lyrics reflected a near-perfect blend of all the emotions he’d felt within just a few hours.
He’d named it after that Led Zeppelin song he’d been obsessed with when he was younger, and also for all the times Remus had told him how much he reminded him of a black dog, back when he overflowed with joy, confidence, and energy.
Now, when Sirius looked back in time, he struggled to recognize the person he used to be. It felt like someone entirely different from who he was now.
"I just don’t understand how you don’t miss me in The Black Dog," he sang, trying to ignore the pain in his chest as he remembered the number of thoughts that had consumed him that week, when Remus neither confirmed nor denied those rumors, "when someone plays ‘The Starting Line’ and jumps up but she’s too young to know this song that was intertwined in the magic fabric of our dreamings."
A humorless smile tugged at his lips at how young the girl in the photos looked, and how much she resembled the person Sirius once was.
Old habits die screaming
While he sang, he tried not to look through the window at Remus, even though he could feel his gaze burning into his skin, especially during the part he had written in a fit of anger, calling Remus a liar and a coward, even though in reality he was far from either.
And remember how my rain-soaked body was shaking
Do you hate me?
He had written those lines thinking about one their first big fights during the tour, after which Sirius had something close to a panic attack, soothed only by Remus, who had hugged him and whispered sweet nothings and promised nearly impossible things until his breathing returned to normal. Then they had gone to sleep as if the fight hadn’t happened at all.
By the time he reached the bridge, Sirius could already feel his eyes stinging with tears.
Six weeks of breathing clean air, I still miss the smoke
Were you making fun of me with some esoteric joke?
The anger he’d felt while writing the song seemed to blossom in him again, even though deep down he knew he shouldn’t be mad at Remus for hurting him like that, not when he had hurt Remus countless times too. He knew from James that Remus hadn’t been doing great after the breakup either.
Still, Sirius let the anger take over, convincing himself that maybe the song would come out better that way, shifting from sadness to rage in mere minutes.
Now I wanna sell my house and set fire to all my clothes
As he sang those words, he couldn’t stop the tears from welling in his eyes, remembering that night when he saw with his own eyes that it was really over, and knew there was no going back.
He remembered the shirts and jackets he’d had to shove to the back of his new closet because wearing them only made him think of how Remus’ eyes would light up when he saw him in them, and the way he used to say Sirius was the most beautiful person in the world, and how lucky he felt to have him by his side.
And hire a priest to come and exorcise my demons
He remembered that first week at Regulus’ place, how his brother had been so worried about him, afraid to leave him alone. He remembered the nights when he finally managed to sleep for a couple of hours, only to wake up shaking after a nightmare, because ending that relationship had brought his worst fear to life, over and over again.
He remembered how Regulus would hug him every single one of those nights, trying to make the pain easier to bear. But all Sirius could think was that the only thing that would save him was something that could rip out his heart and soul so he wouldn’t have to feel anymore, or wondering how long it would take to die from a broken heart.
Even if I die screaming
And I hope you hear it
As he sang that part, his eyes landed on Remus for the first time that day. And though it hurt, he couldn’t help but feel a small, cruel satisfaction when he saw the pained expression on his face, how he was trying not to cry.
Sirius hated hurting Remus, but in that moment, his mind was clouded with rage. All he could think about were the words he couldn’t say out loud, hoping the song would say them for him.
And I hope it’s shitty in The Black Dog
By that point in the recording, he was basically crying, still filled with anger and letting himself be carried away by the drums and guitar pounding through his headphones.
"That was intertwined in the tragic fabric of our dreaming, ‘cause tail between your legs, you’re leaving," his gaze fell on Remus again, who now had two tears sliding down his cheeks, and that completely broke Sirius, right as the intense instrumentals began to fade. "I still can’t believe it, ‘cause old habits die screa-… ming."
That last word came out with a sob he couldn’t hide.
And when the music stopped, an overwhelming silence followed. Remus didn’t say anything, but Sirius saw out of the corner of his eye that he mouthed something —probably an apology— before walking into the bathroom.
Sirius, for his part, covered his mouth to muffle another sob. It took him a couple of minutes to calm down, and even though every part of him was screaming to run away, he knew he had to be professional.
Remus came back not long after, and without a word, played back the recording. As Sirius listened, more tears slipped out, but he still felt proud of his work.
Without daring to speak, knowing his voice would break, he just nodded and gave Remus a thumbs-up.
He took his time leaving the booth, a bottle of water in one hand, his eyes still wet. He grabbed the coat he’d brought in silence, without looking at Remus, who was turning off the equipment and tidying things up.
Just as he was about to walk out, Remus’ voice stopped him.
“Sirius,” he said his name with the same softness and affection he always had, even after everything.
Sirius didn’t answer, just turned his head slightly to look at him.
Remus stood there awkwardly, fidgeting with his hands to hide how much they were shaking. “That was beautiful.”
Sirius couldn’t help the blush that crept up his cheeks at the compliment, grateful the lighting was dim enough that Remus wouldn’t notice. In response, he only nodded.
“Thanks,” he muttered dryly after a few seconds, and before Remus could say anything else, he slipped out, before the emotion could choke him.
That night, Sirius cried again. It wasn’t the first time he cried over Remus, and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last. But for the first time in nearly twenty months, the weight he always carried in his chest felt a little lighter.
It hadn’t gone away —the nostalgia and regret from all his decisions were still there and would probably remain until the day he died— but at least he could breathe without feeling like the air was burning him from the inside.
And yet, when he woke up the next morning, whatever relief he’d felt was quickly replaced by an overwhelming emptiness, so deep it was barely bearable.
He felt more alone than ever, like the fragile bridge still connecting him to Remus had almost completely collapsed the night before.