Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Blackwood Mountain. A place that Chris Hartley—nor the rest of his friends—would ever forget. It had been around a year since that horrible night.

February 2, 2015.

The one year anniversary of Hannah and Beth’s disappearances.

Deaths.

The reason for their deaths being the same people they’d called friends. Well, everyone except for Chris and their older brother Joshua.

Josh.

Chris remembered when they had all gotten back home after being released from the police’s custody.

The blond spent the next two weeks ruminating about all the ways he’d failed Josh. His best friend since the third grade. How he and Mike practically tied him up just for the wendigo—Hannah—to rip apart.

When Sam and Mike sat the blond down and told him what they’d found in the mines, he was destroyed.

The remorse he felt for Hannah and Beth’s fates was overwhelming. And when Chris started blaming himself for not only Josh’s death but Hannah and Beth’s, Sam tried comforting him the best she could.

“You and Josh were completely knocked out, Chris. There was nothing you could have done. It wasn’t your fault.” And, “You and Mike did what you thought was best at the time. You guys didn’t know there was a monster up there with us, all we knew was that Josh pulled a messed up prank and Jess was missing.” She insisted, but her words meant nothing.

If he and Josh hadn’t gotten drunk that night then Hannah and Beth would still be alive. His best friend would still be alive. This was on him. How could it not be?

Then, two weeks after everything—losing Josh, being told the morbid reality of what had happened to Hannah and Beth, and trying to wash away all his guilt with a bottle of whiskey Josh once gifted him—Chris got a call.

”Chris,” it was Sam, “hey, I… I know you said you wanted to be alone but I think you’re gonna wanna hear this.” Her voice was shaking a bit.

The blond sat up from his bed giving his full attention. ”What is it?” Chris’s voice came out quieter than intended.

”Josh.” Was all she said before taking a deep breath. ‘They found his body didn’t they? They found his fucking body.’ Blue eyes watered at the cruel realization, “Josh, they found him.” Sam finally finished, allowing for the man to blink the threatening tears away.

“F-found him? What do you mean found him?” Chris shook his head not understanding the smile he could hear Sam wearing.

”He’s alive, Chris. Josh is alive.” Her voice shook even more in disbelief of the fact herself. Chris felt all the built up tension in his body dissipate, followed by a long exhale.

He took a deep breath in, ”He’s alive..?” The blond needed to hear her say it again. For conformation. For the reassurance that this was reality.

”Yeah. I’m at the hospital. He’s being questioned right now. But they.. they won’t let me talk to him. They won’t let anyone talk to him.” Sam explained, “but I did see him when they first brought him in..” a pause, “Chris, he looked...” she couldn’t finish, her breathing uneven for a moment.

He didn’t want to imagine what Josh looked like. He’d been on that mountain for two weeks alone. Without food, without—

Then a sudden fear came to him, “I-is he—?!”

”No.” Sam was quick to put a quick end to the fear that plagued Chris’s mind, “He looked normal. Just sick. And.. he didn’t even look aware of anything around him… his mom.. the doctors.. me.” The blond felt nauseous.

Josh had been out there this whole time and he—, “H-he… his face..” she paused, “God, he lost so much weight, Chris.” He heard a pained whine from the other end of the phone, “To think that Hannah—“

”Stop. Stop..” Chris couldn’t bear the thought.

He listened as the girl took a deep breath, “Sorry.” Her voice was tired. Chris grabbed a jacket and slipped some boots on, noise coming through on the other end.

”Chris?”

”I’m coming.”

”Alright, but they’re not gonna let us see him. His mom, she’s the one who called me about Josh being found. But now.. she told me it would be best if I leave. Something must’ve happened but they won’t tell me anything, Chris.” She explained, followed by a long sigh.

The blond didn’t listen though, “I’ll see you soon.” Is all he said before he hung up on the girl.

Sam ended up being right though as he never got to see Josh that day. And even after he was discharged he wasn’t allowed to see him. Mr. Washington had Josh sent to a psychiatric hospital close by and when Sam and Chris tried visiting him they were turned away by the request of Mr. Washington.

Chris tried talking to the Washington’s into letting him visit but Josh’s dad wouldn’t budge, believing it wouldn’t do his son any good. Mrs. Washington on the other hand believed the opposite but didn’t go against her husband’s wish.

It was torture, lying on his bed thinking.

Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.

That was all he did in recent times. Months went by without him and he didn’t try to catch up. His parents didn’t badger him either. “You can continue college next year. Don’t worry about it.” His dad often tried reassuring him to no avail, “You went through something traumatic, Chris. It’s okay if you need some time to yourself. Just don’t get stuck.” He warned.

Chris swore he was already stuck. He didn’t feel like he was getting any better. February second refused to leave his mind, and then there was Josh’s birthday. Since the third grade they’d spent all of their birthdays together. Oh, how wrong everything was…

“Josh would hate it if he knew I came here for his birthday.” He admitted, seated next to Hannah and Beth with a bottle of wine.

He remembered Josh’s rage with how their funeral was dealt with, “They aren’t even buried here.. ‘put to rest’…—” Josh mumbled bitterly as he stood in front of their gravestones, Chris right next to him. “—but here’s their gravestones. As if that means they could ever find peace after whatever happened to them!” It was after the funeral. After everyone left.

Josh didn’t cry that day.

Josh never cried.

At least Chris didn’t see him cry.

After the funeral Josh refused to talk about his sisters or what he was feeling and Chris didn’t push him to.

He regretted that now.

Chris sat next to ‘a couple of stones’—as Josh would put it—, repeating all of the things he could’ve done to prevent the worst from happening, while Josh spent his twenty-first birthday in a mental institution.

The blond didn’t leave the house much. He only ever left to visit Hannah and Beth’s ‘resting place’ or his job. A pizza deliverer.

“You’re pathetic , Christopher.”

It was a never ending cycle: Wake up, stay in bed, think, eat, think, visit Hannah and Beth, deliver pizzas, stand in the shower for an hour, try and sleep, get woken up by a nightmare, think, fall asleep, and repeat.

After Josh’s birthday, Chris lost track of time completely. The rest of their friends were in college, not sparing Chris any of their time, not that he wanted to see any of them anyway. Not even Ashely.

Sam tried to be there for him but she stopped trying at the same time that Chris had started mixing the days together. Maybe Josh’s birthday had hit her hard, too? Who knows.

Ashley tried inviting the blond out but he’d rejected her every single time.

After that night, seeing what she and the others did on that video, Ashley giggling at the cruel prank being pulled on Hannah. It left a sour taste in the man’s mouth.

He couldn’t face her, especially not with the things she’d said after they’d gotten back from the mountain.

She bad-mouthed Josh at any chance she got when they talked about what had happened that night.

Most of what she said wasn’t technically wrong, it’s just when she kept calling Josh a ‘psycho’ and a ‘lunatic’ did he really start to build resentment towards her.

The last time they’d hung out he’d lashed out at her, “Don’t—! Don’t call him that.” Josh had struggled with his mental health all his life and hearing Ashley repeatedly shame him in that way, even with Josh not being around, was sickening to him.

Chris hated what Josh had done. But he was Chris’s best friend.

He remembered in elementary school, meeting Josh for the first time. The boy had to repeat the third grade thanks to his mental issues.

Then that one act—that one act of them getting moved next to each other in class was what started their—thirteen year long—friendship.

‘It can’t be over.’

Chapter Text

Chris found himself in the middle of his repetitive daily routine—heading to Hannah and Beth’s graves. He’d bought flowers. Pink roses for Hannah, her favorite color. And white for Beth. They were bundled into one, the pink and the white complementing one another.

As Chris made his way along the sidewalk he noticed the exceptionally cold air. It was already that time of the year wasn’t it? It would be a whole year since Josh was gone.

Chris held onto the roses tightly, pushing the thought away. Then the wind started to kick up. ‘Fuck, it’s cold.’ He thought. Per usual, Chris was layered in warm jackets and coats but that cold breeze was still a slap to the face.

Finally, Chris had made it to the cemetery. His eyes scanned for Hannah and Beth’s stones and once he’d laid eyes on them, nothing could take back what he’d just seen. Who he had just seen.

It was Josh. Josh. He was standing there hovering over their graves with this detached gaze. He hadn’t even heard Chris coming. ‘God, is that really him?’ The blond couldn’t believe his eyes.

He stood there a moment studying the other man, who lacked a proper coat or jacket. Josh looked to be exceptionally thinner than before. His face looked tired and he shook slightly. Probably because of the cold. He still held that soft tan though, and Chris could see the length of his lashes from here. For how long could the blond keep staring? He’d hoped forever.

Then flowers slipped from his hands, the sound of roses hitting the ground alerting Josh. The brunette immediately going tense, turning at what made the noise. And there were those green eyes that Chris adored so much.

”Josh.” Was all he could get out. The two just stared at each other. The brunette wore this pained expression that made his heart ache. Josh opened his mouth as if he were going to speak but he ultimately failed to say anything at all, his gaze falling to the ground.

The blond couldn’t take the distance anymore and rushed over to him taking the shorter man into a desperate embrace. It was tight as hell and Josh swore he’d lost his breath for a moment. The brunette slowly brought his arms up and then wrapped them around Chris’s back with just as much desperation, if not more.

The blond was surprised by how much the brunette was clawing at his back, “Josh..” again, it was all he could manage. The name felt so foreign on his tongue. He’d missed saying it. He’d missed him.

Chris felt his eyes burning, tears threatening to spill. ‘Shit, if Josh sees me crying he’ll totally think I’m pathetic and—‘  then, there was an abrupt sob that broke the silence, but it wasn’t Chris who was crying. The blond watched as Josh shook in his arms, a sad whine escaping from him, “J-Josh?” Chris’s voice wavered.

Josh never cried. Never. It was scary.

”I’m s-sorry. So sorry.” The brunette cried.

Chris only held him tighter, “It’s okay.” Closer.

”N-no it’s not, you didn’t de-deserve that. Y-you can’t just s-say ‘it’s okay.’” Josh’s remorse was clear as day, his tears wetting the pale skin of Chris’s neck, where the shorter man had his face buried. It made the blond feel sick to his stomach, hearing Josh like this.

”Okay, then.. how about an, ‘I forgive you.’” Chris’s tone was slightly playful, blinking away the wetness in his eyes.

”H-how can you..?” Josh’s voice was muffled. How could he? The brunette had put Chris through hell. He made him think that he killed his best friend since the third grade. And it was even more confusing when Mike made it a point to add that Chris wasn’t even involved in the prank that killed Hannah and Beth.

Still, Chris felt guilt for it, even if he hadn’t been apart of it. And what point was there in trying to rationalize any of what Josh did when he was so clearly anything but at the time.

“Let me see you, man.” Chris took him by the shoulders, separating the two for a moment. Blue eyes scanned Josh, worry engrained in them. Josh hated to see it.

His face was stained with tears, prominent dark circles were under those endearing green eyes, and he’d clearly lost a significant amount of weight. The grip he had on his shoulders and the lack of fat on Josh’s face told him so.

”You look like shit.” Chris teased. The brunette quickly wiped his tears away.

”So do you.” His tone lacked its usual playfulness. The blond frowned.

”Fuck, man.. when did you get out?” Josh’s gaze was strictly on the blond, the pain in his expression stubborn.

”Left the loony-bin a week ago.” A half-smile crept its way onto his face, though he was anything but happy. Relieved would be a better word. Seeing Chris again? Chris forgiving him? He was glad but it made him feel like shit.

The blond shook his head, “don’t.. call it that.” He cringed at Josh’s poor wording.

”What? That’s what it is.” The brunette mumbled.

”Josh—“

”They got me on new meds.” He hugged himself awkwardly, the cold nipping at his skin. The blond eyeing the way Josh shook at the cold breeze.

He unzipped one of his jackets, ”New meds? How are they?” Chris asked as he took off one of his jackets and draped it around the brunette. Josh stared up at him with those big sad eyes in disbelief, “come on man, you’re totally freezing your ass off.” Josh hesitated before sliding his arms into the sleeves of the jacket.

”Thanks, Chris.” He fidgeted with the zipper of the jacket. Usually it was ‘Cochise’, hearing Josh say his actual name felt weird. He wasn’t sure if it meant that they were closer or more distant, and he was too afraid to ask.

”Apparently on top of the clinical depression I also have schizophrenia, haha..!” He shrugged awkwardly.

Chris felt his heart sink, ”Holy shit, Josh..” he felt like such a crappy friend, because how could he not know? That’s how he thought anyway.

”Don’t look at me like that.” Josh mumbled. It was already hard for him to be vulnerable, and to make Chris feel guilty on top of it? That was the last thing he wanted. “You couldn’t have known.” He added.

”I should’ve.” Chris retorted.

”I don’t think you have an M.D., man. It wasn’t.. I’m not your responsibility.” The brunette crossed his arms.

He sighed noticing how closed off Josh now looked, ”I’m sorry.” Green eyes pierced through blue ones.

”Don’t apologize, Chris. Seriously, I really don’t… that’s not why I’m telling you this.” Josh tried to get his point across. The blond only nodded in full understanding.

There was an awkward silence before Josh continued, “The doctors.. uh… they said I was going through a hypomanic episode because I got off my meds… uhm.. then on top of having the schizophrenia… I totally went batshit crazy, huh?” Josh laughed sadly, looking away from the taller man.

”Don't say that.” The blond placed a hand on his shoulder, “Please… you’re not—“

”Not crazy?” Josh finished for him staring directly at him. The blond took his hand from the shorter man’s shoulders, figuring it wouldn’t do him any good.

Chris bent down and picked up the roses he’d dropped, standing up right. His gaze shifted from the roses to Josh. “Brought these for Hannah and Beth.” He walked past Josh whose eyes followed the blond as he went, “I’m surprised you actually visit. I thought these were just ‘a couple of stones.’” Chris placed the roses down between the girls grave stones.

Josh made his way next to Chris. “I didn’t know where else to go.” The blond looked over, “to y’know.. mourn them.” He watched as Josh’s eyes watered and the blond instantly regretted making the jab.

‘Sorry.’ Chris shook his head, ‘he wouldn’t like that.’ So, he tried something else, “They’d be proud of you. I know Beth would.” He mentioned. Josh laughed at that.

”They’d be proud that their big brother pulled a prank that almost got their friends killed?” Josh joked. What Chris said seemed ridiculous to him.

”They’d be proud that their big brother is getting better.” The blond tried. Josh looked up at Chris who smiled that sweet smile of his.

How could he talk good about him? After all this time, how could he smile at Josh like that? The brunette felt his eyes burn and his lips quivered, upsetting him even more. He didn’t want to cry. Not in front of Chris. Not again.

The blond noticed his pained expression and panicked, “Josh? Shit—! I didn’t mean to make you upset!” He placed his hands on his shoulders, leaning in a bit to get a good look at his friend.

”I’m not.. I don’t want you to feel like you have to forgive me or l-like you have to deal with me.” Josh voiced his thoughts, finally. The blond, taken aback, shook his head confused.

‘Deal with you? Fuck..’ Chris’s brows were knitted together in frustration, ”What? Josh, that’s not what’s happening at all.” Josh had never opened up to anyone, not really. Not even Chris. The most vulnerable he’d ever been was with Sam, but with Chris? How could he?

After everything Sam told Chris some of the things Josh used to tell her and it hurt. It hurt because the brunette didn’t feel like he could talk to Chris. Confide in him. But that just wasn’t it.

Out of everyone—everyone—he didn’t want Chris to see him like this. To view him as crazy or unstable. He couldn’t. Not when everyone else did.

Chris knew of Josh’s mental health problems, but not once did he ever hear the brunette express how it actually felt. What he was actually going through.

It hurt to know that Josh didn’t feel like he could open up to Chris about what he was feeling. But to know why? To think that it was because Josh thought himself to be something that had to be ‘dealt with.’ Like a burden? It made Chris feel like a total failure of a friend, as if he didn’t already feel that way before.

“It’s okay, Chris.”

”N-no, no it’s not. Josh, you’re not something that I feel like I have to deal with, and it kind of sucks that you even think that of me. I thought we were close, man. Don’t you know me at all?” Chris’s voice was full of hurt and Josh’s eyebrows furrowed.

He opened his mouth to speak but Chris kept going, “and you know what, I do! I do forgive you for everything. All of the fucked up shit you did that night, but one thing I will never forgive is that fact that you thought I’d choose anyone over you!” Chris rose his voice, which was something he never did. “Fuck man, did you think I didn’t give a shit about you? I just.. I don’t get it.”

The saw prank. He made Chris think he killed him. Josh, with a clear mind now, knew just how fucked up that prank was. “I’m sorry.. my mind was…” Josh paused realizing something, “wait.” Green eyes landed on baby blues.

”Yeah, Josh. I chose to save you.” Chris admitted, “And then the fucking saw went towards you anyway, and I—! Fuck!” He brought a hand to his head in distress, looking away from the brunette.

”You chose me?” He shook his head in utter disbelief and confusion, “But why?” 

“I..” Chris took a deep breath, “Ash, man.. she’s great and I thought that I loved her. I really thought… but then you.. I realized I couldn’t… I didn’t want to live without you.” He managed. It was silent. Overwhelming silent. And Josh’s expression—it was unreadable. So, he kept going.

”You made me think I killed you. And then—!” He laughed in disbelief, “and then I actually almost did get you killed!” Chris shouted, looking at Josh, tears in his eyes. He calmed down, “then, we got back… we got back and I thought you were fucking dead and nothing mattered.”

Chris watched as tears fell from those sad, sad green eyes but he didn’t stop, he couldn’t, “even when I got told they found you alive. I.. I couldn’t function because they wouldn’t let me see you. I’ve done nothing this whole time! I haven’t gone to college, haven’t hung out with Ashley, or anyone mind you! I couldn’t even—! I can’t.. I just… the past year has been hell for me.” He squeezed his eyes shut, tears spilling over.

“Without you there’s nothing. So, I’m not ‘dealing’ with you, Josh. I fucking need you.” His voice was stern. The brunette just stood there, tears falling from his eyes, mouth agape. Chris took a deep breath before he came close and took Josh into his arms, locking him in his embrace. “And I don’t care if you don’t need me because you’re stuck with me. I don’t care what you say.” Chris’s voice broke into a sob, holding the back of the shorter man’s head close.

”I n-need you.” Josh admitted, voice full of desperation. His voice was quiet but Chris heard him, “I need you, C-Chris.” He repeated, his voice shaking as he held onto the blond. They didn’t part, the hug seeming to last forever.

If Chris knew one thing, it was that he’d never let Josh go ever again.