Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter 1:  A Gentleman Arrives

Year: 1814

Location: Somewhere just outside of Mayfair, London

“Hoy there! Watch it! Your horse damn near stepped on me misses foot!”

Colin sighed, the sounds of London echoed around the walls of the carriage as it made its way through the narrow London streets towards Mayfair. 

It would be generous to say Colin was sitting there while the carriage moved him steadily home. As there was very little on him not moving. His leg was bouncing, his head moved as if on a swivel looking back and forth between the windows. His hands kept alternating between adjusting his waistcoat and cravat and tapping on his knee. Each movement jostled the small brown bag next to him. 

The cool early spring air drifted in from the open window. His nose crinked, the air reminded him that it took time to adjust every season to the unpleasant smells of the city. He had certainly not missed the scent of London, but he supposed it was still years better than the smell of the boat he'd arrived on. He shuddered, remembering the seeming endless days of rain on the last leg of his journey. All of those bodies crammed into the hull of the ship for days on end as the heavens decided to confuse their vessel with that of Noah and his arc.

Colin was glad he’d chosen to spend last night at an Inn just outside of London. It afforded him the opportunity to freshen up and arrive at home while the day was still young. Perhaps he would even manage to get in, greet his family and leave to settle himself before Anthony arrived to sour the mood. 

Sitting up, Colin decided to close the window for the 4th time since he’d left the inn. Upon doing so he realized he was getting near to his destination, as the familiar houses of Bloomsbury appeared before him.

He resumed fidgeting with his waistcoat, and pulled fruitlessly at his now seemingly too short shirt sleeves, desperately uncomfortable in his own skin. 

This time when his movements caused his hand to brush against the bag next to his side, he decided to turn and open it. He gently pulled out a well worn leather book. 

He felt his body loosen as he started flipping through the creased pages, filled to the brim with his innermost thoughts. He turned to the beginning to read his very first entry, feeling very much like that same foolish boy. He had run off hoping to fill the void inside of him that had been growing steadily since a tiny bee ripped it open 12 years earlier.

Only the ache in his chest proved that he had failed in that as well.

October 3, 1813

I begin my voyage today heading to Greece, planning to make many stops along the way at the various port cities that line the coasts. 

Our first evening on the ship that will be my home for the next few weeks, I find myself staring off the bow towards the coastline of France. I feel the waves lift and drop the boat over and over as easily as if it were merely a toy. 

Up and down, up and down over and over. I wonder if the sea in all of its magnificent glory can sense my inner turmoil? I am equal parts invigorated, staring off towards a land I have never been before, eager to start a new adventure where no one knows me. While also equally filled with heartache and shame as I turn back towards the chalk lined coast of my homeland bathed in the reds and oranges of sunset.

The motion of the boat makes my stomach drop, bringing me back to that room where I saw the truth in Marina’s eyes. That she had lied to me, deceived me, used me like a pawn in her game. I feel as though I can no longer trust my own instincts. How could I have been so wrong about her?

Foolish, that is what Anthony called me and soon that sentiment was echoed by everyone within reading distance of Lady Whistledown! Whether they say it aloud or in their heads, I know that is how they all see me now. That foolish child who did not even notice that the woman he purported to love was baring another man's child the whole time! What a fool I have been!No! That is enough, I shall not wallow in despair. I am leaving behind that naive boy and will instead return home as a worldly and mature man! This journey shall be my opportunity to start afresh and I don't intend to squander it!

 

“Ha” he scoffed. The closer he got to home the more he realized he still felt the same as he did before he left. As that thought passed through his mind, Colin went to shut his journal only to pause at the inscription in the front. His body stilled for once as he smiled and ran his fingers over the long-ago memorized words:

”Dear Colin,

Wishing you a very Happy Birthday! You hold here in your hands, adventure, mystery, intrigue, or at the very least the potential for such. While this may look like an ordinary book, I know that in your hands it will become transformed, as you fill it with extraordinary stories from your adventures! I look forward to your return, when you can regale us with all you have seen and done! Wishing you safe travels!

Your friend,

Penelope Featherington

At least Pen is not someone who believes I am a fool, Colin thought fondly. With a smile, he returned the journal to his satchel, resting next to a stack of envelopes tied carefully together with twine and a sprig of rosemary. 

Colin felt the carriage slow and looked out the window realizing that he had just arrived at Bridgerton house. He stretched as he disembarked from the carriage and spoke with the footmen about bringing his things into the house.

Then he paused and looked to his right, there, across the square was the Featherington House. He felt a bubble of excitement in his belly at the thought of walking over there to talk to Pen. Surely, that would help him to bolster his confidence enough to don the persona that the ton expected him to be, and what he needed to do before he had to face the vultures of the Ton. 

Alas he could not go to her. He was back in proper society and that would not be permitted. He will merely have to wait to see his dear friend until whatever the next public outing he was sure his mother had planned.

With that, Colin took a deep breath, and brought the comforting image of Pen to his mind to help bolster his confidence and then turned to enter his home.

On a street surrounded by blooming flowers not far from the house Colin had just entered, were his eldest brothers, the Viscount Anthony Bridgerton and the next in line, Mr. Benedict Bridgerton.

Anthony stood in front of the grandest house in the neighborhood, the plants manicured to perfection around it. The distinctive call of the sparrow hailing the start of spring rang out around the garden.

Benedict walked up to Anthony and handed him a stunning bouquet of flowers, which Anthony took with enough force that some of the petals fell to the ground.

“Took you long enough brother, I have been waiting…” Anthony glanced down at his tightly held watch, “23 minutes. And already I have seen no less than 7 suitors enter the house smirking at me like they already have the chit eating out of their hands!”

”Well, brother, if you wanted efficiency perhaps you should have been the one to go to the florist this morning rather than force me to go in your stead,” replied Benedict with a slight twinkle in his eyes.

”Yes, well I had more pressing needs to attend to and in any case you are the purported artist, I assumed that translates to flower arrangements and not just paintings of naked women.”

“Mmm you do know that, it will be of little use just how beautifully arranged your flowers are brother, if you keep gesticulating so aggressively with them!” Benedict said as he then looked pointedly at the fallen petals With one eyebrow raised he continued, “ Might I suggest slowing down and taking some deep breaths before you go storming in there like a dog in heat?”

”Oh very funny Benedict, I am quite fine, you need not concern yourself with my countenance” Anthony scoffed.

“Good, but it is not you I am worried about,” Benedict replied with a rueful smile forming at the corner of his lips. “If you do in fact, intend to court Miss Sharma it is probably for the best that you do not frighten her off by being so, well you, on your first visit.” Benedict stated while gesturing to Anthony as he paced back and forth, jaw clenched, nostrils flared and flowers gripped so tightly there were sure to be some bent of broken stems.

Anthony pursed his lips,“It is Miss Edwina Sharma I am here to court as you well know. Not her willfully stubborn sister.” Anthony adjusted his cravat, straightened his vest and cleared his throat before continuing, “Miss Edwina is everything a young lady ought to be. She is sensible, good humored, lively, has happy manners, comes from good breeding and is truly handsome. Her character is thereby complete!”

Benedict tilted his head, while he looked at his brother with a touch of pity.

“Yes, that is all well and good brother, but you appear to have forgotten a rather important item from your list.”

”And what pray tell is that?” Asked Anthony.

’Love, brother! One might argue that is the most important characteristic in a future wife.”

“I disagree.” Anthony said as Benedict rolled his eyes. “It is only out of the greatest love of my family that I aim to choose a bride with my head and not my…heart.” Anthony clarified, much to Benedict's amusement.

“And does Miss Edwina return your…. Affection?” Benedict asked with a knowing smile

Anthony sighed and said, “Not yet…. She would have done were it not for her sister”

“Ah yes *the sister*” Benedict echoed with a dramatic flare, “She is rather thorny I take it?”

”Worry not, she need not trouble me, every rose does have its thorn after all.” Anthony replied arrogantly. ”Now if you will excuse me, I have a future viscountess to court!”

“Ah yes well brother I wish you luck with your thorny rose.” Benedict said while chuckling as he turned back in the direction of Bridgerton house.

Meanwhile, Anthony took a deep breath, straightened his jacket and walked under the stone portico and up to the beautifully carved mahogany door and knocked.

A butler answered the door and Anthony pulled out an intricately designed calling card and headed it to him with his expressed wish to see Miss Edwina Sharma.

”Right this way sir.” Replied the rather bored looking butler, who then proceeded to guide Anthony through the immaculately decorated house of the Dowager Lady Danbury. She was hosting the Sharma family this season, for which Anthony was grateful. Lady Danbury did, after all, have a soft spot for the Bridgertons that Anthony planned to use to his advantage. Especially after he’d had to put up with hers and his mother’s matchmaking nonsense last season.

“Wait here, I shall let my lady know you have arrived.” The butler told Anthony as they arrived at the end of a queue of at least 20 men. 

“Make sure you give Lady Danbury my card directly, as I know she would not like to keep me waiting.” Anthony said while giving a smile he likely thought was charming.

”As you wish my lord.” The butler replied as he made his way towards the front of the line to where a set of closed doors led to what Anthony knew was Lady Danbury’s drawing room. Just as the butler arrived the doors opened and Kate, Edwin’s elder sister, the thorn, stepped out. She was tall, laith, immaculately dressed and wearing a knowing smile on her face.

Good lord, anyone but her. Anthony thought .I will just have to make it seem like I am on her side so that she cannot turn me away. Anthony then decided it was time to start making his way past the line of gentlemen towards Kate.

As he drew closer he could just make out what Kate was saying to the line of gentlemen callers, 

“That is because my sister is so enraptured with Lord Lumley at the moment, and you would not want me to interrupt your discourse when it is your turn, would you?”

“I say we heed the young lady and wait with the grace our hostess affords us.” Anthony said with a confident smile.

”Thank you... Lord Bridgerton.” Kate replied, sounding exasperated at having to side with Anthony, even for just a moment, “I am afraid you are much too late Lord Bridgerton, you now find yourself at the back of a very considerably long queue.” 

Anthony pursed his lips and nodded, then turned so that his back formed a barrier between the gentlemen and Kate. Then he put his arm, not currently holding the flowers, on Kate’s arm and pulled her slightly away from everyone.

Anthony was a little shocked at the way his stomach clenched and indeed, it seemed his entire body came alive at precisely the spot where his fingers touched her skin. 

She too seemed momentarily affected because she allowed him to gently steer her further down the hallway away from the other suitors .

With their relative privacy he said beseechingly, “I wish to escort Miss Edwina to the races this afternoon.”

Shaking her head Kate responded, “My sister already has an escort this afternoon.” 

“Tomorrow then.” Anthony countered his hand still holding her arm even though they were no longer moving.

”She’s engaged tomorrow too.” Kate replied. A small smile started to appear on her face.

”And the day after?” Anthony inquired, his tone sounding more exasperated.

”Now that I think of it, she may be free…” Kate paused with dramatic effect.

”Yes…” Anthony replied, his eyes inexplicably pulled to her lips as she spoke.

”After December, unless of course she is on her honeymoon by then.” Kate rejoined with a look of triumph in her eyes.

Anthony scoffed.

”Did I say something funny Lord Bridgerton?” Kate asked. His pulse seemed to pick up when he heard her say his name.

”I believe you did.” Anthony started to reply when Kate cut him off saying, 

“What IS funny my lord is you here now, after not only what I overheard the other night…” 

Anthony jumped in and interrupted her saying,

”What you overheard was not for your ears.”

Kate continued as if she hasn't heard him, “But also in addition to everything I have now read of you, your dubious and libertine reputation goes before you.” 

Kate was breathing fast after this. Her chest rising rapidly causing her breasts to strain against her dress making a particularly enjoyable view for Anthony.

They both stared intently at each other. Realizing that at some point in this conversation, Anthony had dropped her arm, and they had stepped quite close together.

Anthony was surrounded by her intoxicating scent. His nostrils flared and jaw clenched . He didn't remember the last time he felt such enjoyment  arguing back and forth with someone. Much less a lady. It was markable how alive it made him feel, sparing with someone who could out match his wits.

He realized now that there was not anything he could do at this moment to get Kate to bend.  But just before he turned to leave he remembered the flowers grasped tightly in his hand and he decided to give them to Kate.

Later on, he would justify this by saying he was giving the flowers to Kate in order to soften her view of him, but at that moment, he was thinking only of wanting to make her smile.

“I  thank you Miss Sharma for your time,” Anthony said with a small bow of his head, his eyes holding her in rapture. “Allow me to take my leave and please accept these flowers as an apology for what I said the other night. Please know that I meant no harm. However, rest assured that I will not allow this to deter me from my goal. I look forward to our next encounter, Miss Sharma. Good day to you.” 

With that Anthony bowed, turned and walked out the way he had come. Had he turned around he would have seen Kate smelling the flowers with a small smile and a dazed look gracing her face.

Back at Bridgerton House

“Good morning Humboldt!” Colin greeted the Bridgerton butler as he entered the house. “It is good to see you, I trust mother and my siblings are in the morning room having some tea and breakfast?”

”Indeed they are Mr. Bridgerton. Welcome home. I have met with your footman to get your belongings settled in your room. We had your room aired out recently in preparation for your arrival. I have your man getting out some fresh clothes for you and I will get the footmen to bring up some water for a bath.”

”Thank you Humboldt,” Colin replied. “That will not be necessary, I have not journeyed far this morning and would like to see my family before I settle in.”

“As you wish,” Humboldt said with a touch of judgement on his face. When he went to bow his head he stopped midway, seeming to have only just noticed the bag Collin was holding. 

“Shall I have one of the footmen bring that satchel up to your room?” Humboldt asked.

“Penelope assist me here….”

Before Colin could respond he heard his mother’s voice saying Penelope’s name and it felt like a fist had squeezed his heart.  

Is it possible, is she really here?! Colin wondered as he took the stairs 3 at a time, glad his long legs could finally serve a purpose.

That was when he heard Pen’s voice and he knew for certain she was right there in the morning room with his family! Surely good fortune was shining upon him today!

She was just the person he wanted to see! His pulse quickened as he entered the room to hear Penelope say, 

“I believe she could and not Lady Whistledown but someone more like…Colin… ” 

His eyes met hers as soon as he entered the room which seemed to cause her words to falter.

“My brother?” Eloise asked incredulously. 

Her back was to the door and neither she nor any of the other Bridgertons saw that Colin had arrived. 

“No, not Colin,” Penelope said and she stood and gestured excitedly towards the entrance where Colin stood. “It is Colin, he is here!!”

With that, everyone turned to look toward the entrance. Violet, who had been leisurely sewing on the couch, having finished her breakfast hours earlier, turned and stood, leaving her now forgotten embroidery on the couch. 

While Penelope gazed at him, her eyes lit up, her smile wide and inviting. Her signature red curls were piled atop her head and she was wearing a butter yellow dress with pink on top. Seeing her made Colin’s chest feel warm, she was such a familiar sight, it finally gave him that warm feeling, like coming home.

“Glad to see things have not changed.” Colin said addressing the room at large.

“Brother!” Benedict exclaimed as he looked up from his plate of food, a smile stretched over his face as he stood. 

“Brother!” Eloise echoed as she saw him over her shoulder and jumped to greet him with a big hug. 

“Colin!” Violet said her face lit up with warmth, tears of joy making her eyes sparkle as she walked towards her beloved son. 

 “Could you set aside the latest family squabble and embrace me?” Colin joked and he turned toward Eloise and Penelope arms wide open.

Eloise walked quickly to envelope him in a big hug that turned him in time to receive a warm hug from his mother.

Her signature smell of violets cleared out the memories of all the awful scents of London and instead transported him briefly to his childhood at their country house, Aubrey Hall.

“I did not expect you to return so soon dearest,” Violet said as she wiped at the tears in her eyes.

It was Benedict's turn to hug Colin and he patted his shoulder as if to say he was proud of him.

“Well what can I say, I missed you all,” Colin responded.

He looked around briefly at everyone but stopped when his eyes met Pen’s. Time seemed to pause.

His heart lurched seeing her standing there looking so inviting and smiling at him like she missed him. She took a hesitant step towards him, arms loose at her sides looking like she was about to hug him and it took his breath away. His body longed to hug his beloved friend and so he had decided to do just that when from behind her he heard the sounds of his three youngest siblings, Gregory, Hyacinth and Franny yelling his name.

Gregory and Hyacinth ran around Pen and enthusiastically hugged Colin at the same time with enough force to nearly knock him over.

The more reserved Franny stood back between Pen and Eloise. A knowing look in her eyes as she looked between him and Penelope. Colin wondered if Franny knew what he had just been thinking, while Gregory and Hyacinth chatted away in his ear.

“I believe we must get you to the doctors post-haste,” Benedict said a cheeky smile on his face as he touched his chin.

“This strange, fuzzy growth on your chin is no doubt some kind of disease.” 

“And you seem to have taken to the sun too. How peculiar,” Franny joined in the teasing.

Colin chuckled, happy to be back to the familiar sounds of his family.

“I think he looks distinguished,” Penelope said, her voice barely audible next to  the sounds of his siblings musings.

“I’m now two inches taller than Gregory,” Hyacinth bragged.

“You are not!” Gregory interrupted.

Colin smiled and hugged his siblings tightly, feeling brave enough to ask his mother, “And where, may I ask, is our intrepid viscount?”

Violet began to say, “He is…” 

Anthony stormed into the room, his tension washed over all of them like a tidal wave. The warmth that had filled Colin’s chest earlier seemed to drain like a wave retreating back to the sea.

“Back from courting already?” Violet finished her thought with a puzzled look directed at her eldest.

Anthony noticed Colin and smiled, patted him on the back and said, “Colin you are returned! Even better! Family, I should like you all to ready yourselves. For we are off to the races today! We shall be attending united as one!” 

And with that Anthony turned to leave the room presumably to prepare for the family outing. The silence in the room felt deafening after his departure.

Penelope was the one to break the silence, “It seems you all have much to catch up on. I shall take my leave. Thank you, Lady Bridgerton, for your generous hospitality,” she said with a curtsy then turned to Colin and said,

“I am happy to see you have returned safely.”

“I shall see you out Penelope!” Eloise said before Colin could offer.

Penelope bobbed a curtsy towards the room then turned and she and Eloise linked arms and made their way out of the room.

If Colin thought the joy left his chest when Anthony arrived, it was nothing like the way he felt when Pen left. That was more akin to the sun being eclipsed. 

Colin shook his head and realized Hyacinth had asked him about the bag at his feet.

Ah yes, He thought, their presents, Maybe if I give them to everyone now I shall feel that familial warmth again.

It is odd that Penelope should be the one to feel most like home to him. Perhaps it is merely due to the fact that their friendship truly blossomed while he was abroad. Their letters allowed them to truly see each other without the suffocating confines of society’s many rules of propriety. 

Pushing that thought aside Colin turned to Hyacinth and said,

“Well dear sister, I thought you should like your gifts straightaway and so I carried them on my person rather than packed away in my trunk.”

“Oh yes please!” Hyacinth responded, “I cannot wait another moment, you must show me what you have brought back!”

With that Colin reached down and opened his satchel, careful to not jostle the journal and stack of envelopes he pulled out a small glass bottle and handed it to Hyacinth. Who immediately opened the top breathing in the delicious scent of perfume!

“Oh it is absolutely perfect, thank you brother!” Hyacinth reached up and kissed him on the cheek then turned to go sit next to her mother’s now abandoned sewing.

Next out of the bag Colin pulled a rolled up canvas. On it was a beautiful painting of the Acropolis bathed in delicious sunlight. 

He handed this to Benedict saying, “I saw the way this artist captured the other worldly light in Greece so perfectly and thought if there was anyone that would appreciate that, it would be you brother.” 

Benedict took the painted canvas, his eyes watering as he took in the beautiful details. He held it to his heart and said with reverence in his voice, “Thank you brother, I shall have this framed and hung in my studio as a reminder of the greatness I aspire to reach one day.”

Benedict’s words brought a flicker of warmth back to Colin. During that time he noticed Eloise had slipped back in the room and so he reached back into the back this time bringing out a small book that he handed to Eloise. 

“I thought you, of all people, would appreciate a collection of writings by the female philosopher Arete of Cyrene. I worked on translating much of her text to English for you during the voyage home but a copy in the original Greek is in the trunk with my belongings should you like to use it to practice your Greek.”

Eloise took the book, with a small smile, and Colin knew that meant she was trying not to give away just how much she appreciated his gift. I wonder if she will share this book with Pen too. Somehow the thought of Pen reading his translated text further added to the warm feelings returning to Colin’s chest.

Next he pulled out a rolled up scroll and handed it to Franny. She opened it to see music notes dancing along the page. 

“I know you have a discerning ear for music sister, but I heard this song in concert one night and it made me think of you.” Colin said with a warm smile.

Franny looked at him, warmth flooded her eyes, she came to him then, to give him a kiss on the cheek and gently squeezed his arm. She made her way over to the pianoforte to start learning the new song.

“Dearest, I do not think you have time to play at this moment. Your brother was quite insistent that we all be ready to leave for the races soon,” Violet said gently to Franny who sighed and left the music on the instrument for later.

“And for you mother, I had this engraved with your namesake” Colin said as he handed his mother a small box from which she pulled an elegant gold pocket watch with a stunningly detailed flower engraved on its back. 

“Oh Colin, it is beautiful. Thank you my dear boy,” Violet said as she walked over to cup his cheek.

“Now everyone, you heard your eldest brother, we are all going to the races so let us all go and ready ourselves,” Violet moved then to leave the room still looking at the new watch. 

She turned one last time at the threshold, to look at Colin and said, “It is so good to have you back home, we have all missed you so,” and with that the family started to make their way to their chambers to ready themselves.

Gregory just stood there as his siblings all left holding their gifts with a hurt look on his face. Colin recognized that same look from his own eyes when he felt like he could never quite fit in with Anthony and Benedict.

Colin nudged Gregory with his elbow and said, “Worry not brother, you have not been forgotten. Your gift was much too big for this bag. I am sure the footmen have had enough time to bring my belongings to my rooms. Would you like to come with me now to get it on our way to get dressed?”

Gregory’s face lit up with joy! “Oh yes please can we?! I have so many things I want to tell you about!”

With that, Colin put his arm around his youngest brother's shoulders and they walked out of the room together.Gregory excitedly telling Colin about all of the mischief he and Hyacinth had gotten into since he’d been gone. In that moment Colin felt that warmth again, like he had done something right and perhaps was not a complete fool.

Chapter Text

Part 1, Colin’s afternoon at the races:

The carriage came to a halt and Colin, Gregory and Hyacinth emerged from inside. The two youngest talked at a rapid pace, words overlapping each other neither paying any heed to what the other was saying. Colin smiled to himself, he greatly enjoyed the ease of being with his younger siblings whose greatest requirement of him was just his presence. With maybe the occasional “mmhmm” to show he was listening.

The next carriage to arrive pulled up and Colin rushed to help his mother out before the footman could get there. His swiftness and goofy grin caused Violet to laugh and pinch Colin’s cheek lovingly before placing her hand on his arm to disembark from the carriage. She was followed by a hesitant Franny and a pouting Eloise. 

“Franny dearest, would you mind going with Gregory and Hyacinth to the stands to ensure that they arrive to Benedict and Anthony with minimal disruption?”

”Of course, Mama” Franny gave her mother a soft kiss on her cheek then turned to her younger siblings. “Come along you two! Gregory, your arm if you please. The ground is terribly uneven, a proper gentleman would offer his arm to a lady to ensure she does not fall.” 

Gregory sprang over to Franny, a whole head shorter than her, and excitedly offered her his arm. They began to walk towards the stand when Hyacyth exclaimed, “Do not forget me, I will be a lady one day too!” She grabbed Gregory’s free arm with such force that she nearly pulled him and Franny over.       

With a warm smile on his face, Colin turned to give his mother and Eloise a conspiratorial look, only to find they had their backs to him as they had already linked arms and were walking towards the carts full of various wares being sold.

In what seemed like a flash Colin felt submerged back into that aching emptiness that came from being surrounded by people but still feeling so alone. He felt his body start to fidget, adjusting his hat, vest, gloves, anything he could touch as he tried to find the calm he’d had mere moments ago. 

Calm… That word brought to mind memories of reading Pen’s letters by the sea in Greece. Sun warmed sand molding around his body, the briney smell of the ocean, the sound of the waves gently lapping at his toes. The sky, more or less, surrounded him with bright vibrant colors almost as though it had been painted, the truly magnificent reds and oranges of the sunset trapped between the remarkably blue Grecian sky and the deep blues of the Mediterranean.

He shook his head and turned to walk towards the race track. He saw his siblings had reached Benedict and Anthony and looked as though they were getting settled in the stands. 

Rather than joining them, he turned towards the track itself, eyes searching the crowd for a familiar yellow dress and red curly hair. He was hoping he could have a moment with Pen before he had to return to Anthony. 

“Bridgerton! Is that you?” A male voice called out, a slight mocking tinge to his tone, “Have you returned from your voyage of discovery?”                                                        

“Lord Stanton, I am indeed back, as you see,” Colin said with an overly wide grin and exaggerated gesture towards his body.

”Ah, it seems that some time on the continent has put a new spring in your step. Tell me, did the women of Greece make your time there worth the length of the journey?” Lord Stanton asked with a sly smirk on his face, proudly displaying the fact that he found himself highly amusing and clever.

Colin, unimpressed, fought the sneer and dismissive words he very much wished he could say. Instead, he donned his charming persona. He forced out a performative chuckle. “Indeed, Greece was full of many splendid diversions” he said with a knowing look.

Lord Standon grinned salaciously and continued talking but Colin was distracted by a flash of yellow he spotted with the corner of his eye. He turned his head quickly and, aha there she is, he thought as he saw Pen walking nearby. 

Completely abandoning the men he had been conversing with, Colin turned and called out “Pen!” He could feel his mouth stretching into his first real smile since he got out of the carriage.

’”Colin!” Pen returned with her own smile that seemed to radiate from her, warming those lucky to be around her much like the equally yellow sun does. And just like the beautiful sun she unequivocally pulled him towards her like he was one of her wayward planets being pulled home. Her presence was so all-encompasing that Colin completely forgot he had been in the middle of a conversation with Lord Standon and the rest of his ilk. He just walked straight over to Pen without uttering even a single word of parting nor so much as a nod of his head to indicate he was leaving. Nothing, he just allowed himself to follow her gravitational force. The gentlemen were all non-plussed, wondering what in heaven could have caused the handsome charming 3rd Bridgerton son to purposely go off to speak with the likes of someone like Penelope Featherington of all people! The gossip between those men after Colin had left was of the sort that, it was for the best that Colin and Pen seemed so intent upon their conversation that they had not noticed. To them, the outside world just disappeared. And it was only his planet orbiting her sun, alone in the galaxy.

Colin touched the front of his hat and inclined his head in a slight bow in greeting to Pen, thus proving that he has in fact managed to maintain at least some of his gentlemanly manners. Penelope on the other hand showed no such difference to society’s rules and instead beamed at him, her smile wide enough to be considered uncouth by any rule sticklers should they notice her.

“We did not get a chance to speak this morning,” Colin said, a soft smile on his face.

With her smiling at him like that Colin realized that he had became entirely too aware of his own body.

 What is it that I am supposed to do with my hands? Have they always just hung there like that? I wonder if she has noticed how odd my arms look. I really want to reach out and touch that delicate part of her skin that is tantalizingly bare just above her elbow, right below her sleeve but above the end of her glove. Perhaps I would be able to escort her over to the races and allow my hand to causally graze her skin while I escorted her. I am sure it had to be as soft as it appeared.

“We did! I said ‘Colin!’ But then again, it was nothing of note” Penelope replied. Colin had to shake his head slightly to bring his thoughts back to the present, having been lost in thoughts of her soft smooth skin. Penelope continued, “I had wanted to hear more about your travels.”

There are so many things I wish to tell her… ask her… Blast society’s rules making it so that I cannot express myself the way that I wish, the way that we were able to talk so freely in the letters. And now it feels as though words are evading me right when I need them.

“I thought you would have been bored of my travels by now. You read and responded to more of my letters than anyone else,” Colin managed to say. Although internally he wanted to say that what he really wanted was to speak candidly with her like they do in their letters but he just could not find a way to make those words form in his mouth.   

“I suppose I did, though there was always much more to say than one can put onto the page…” 

Colin felt a rush of excitement hearing that. It sounded like Pen too wished they could be more candid and truly themselves. If only he could respond in kind.

“Pen… I… ahhh” words were failing him. Colin considered himself a fairly decent writer, words had always provided him comfort especially when he was away from home, so it felt like an especially cruel punishment to find his mind could not conjure up enough words for a complete sentence! How was he the same man who could come up with thousands of words to describe a small pool of water he found on a walk through the Greek countryside? Now, when he finally has the chance to talk to Pen the words just evaporate like water under that same Grecian sun. All he was left with was his ingrained manners which prompted him to ask a simple, “How’ve you been?”

How have you been? That was all I could come up with!?

He thought as Pen responded with, “Well, I have been well. And you?” She asked while nodding and smiling as though she couldn't see the battle waging a war inside him trying to form the right words for her. Then he noticed a distinctly embarrassed look coming over her face, mirroring the feelings Colin was currently experiencing as well.

“Do not answer that,” Pen said with a sheepish smile as she waved around her closed fan to emphasize her point. Colin felt his mouth smile as that, knowing that Pen was also feeling flustered at least in this, he was not alone.

“I know how you have been. Exploring the slopes of Mount Olympus, falconry with the Turks…”

Colin smiled, happy to see Pen remembering so much of what he had written to her. “It was quite exhilarating.”

Pen swallowed and her sparkling blue eyes appeared to widen as she asked, “And lonely, perhaps?” 

“Well I was never on my own, of course.” A fact that Colin had found frustratingly restricting on his journey. He always had to stay with his guides and could not explore on his own. He had so longed to stray from the beaten path to see what other wondrous things are out in the world. 

“I see.. you met someone…”As Pen began speaking Eloise located them and called out Pen’s name as she walked up to them saying, “Oh Pen, there you are, I finally found you!

“You always do," Pen responded with an expression on her face that Colin thought seemed annoyed. But that could not be the case, Pen and El were such close friends that oftentimes Colin thought Pen was the only person Eloise always liked and that Penelope never seemed to grow tired of Eloise the way that her siblings often would. But today Pen definitely seemed annoyed at Eloise. And if Colin was truly being honest with himself, he too was upset by the interruption.

”You’ve been back a matter of hours and yet you are already in my way,” Eloise sneered at Colin. 

Oh yes, Colin was without a doubt annoyed by Eloise, especially as she was the one now putting her arms on Penelople’s bare arm and leading her away.

I should have been the one to escort Pen to the track! 

“How I have missed you too…El.” Colin almost let it slip that he missed Penelope, right out in the open, in the middle of the day, at an enormous social gathering, with gossiping ears all around them, one of which was undoubtedly Lady Whistledown; the incredibly popular anonymous gossip columnist. Who Colin begrudgingly thought was highly intelligent and unbelievably witty but not someone he would want to point her pernicious quill at his sweet friend.

A bell chimed twice, indicating the start of the race. Colin sighed as he ambled off towards the retreating figures of Pen who was currently being dragged away by Eloise while she forcefully shoved a pamphlet into Pen’s hands. Likely one penned by the very Lady Whistledown he's just been worrying about. Colin realized that as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he should probably try to get his hands on the latest issue to get a read on what he had missed while gone.

The further Penelope and Eloise got from him the more Colin felt himself getting colder in the same way one does when the sun dips below the horizon. Once he could no longer see Pen’s yellow dress in the distance he felt his shoulders slump and he went to reach for his satchel, only to remember that he had left it at the house. He wished he had the letters with him. He needed a tactile reminder of the comfort they have brought him as well as a reminder that he had been able to talk with Pen coherently before and so it is just as likely he will do so again. There were just so many things he wished he could talk to Pen about and yet when the opportunity arose his mind went blank he could not remember a single one of them! Perhaps he should just write her a letter when they get back and that way he would have the time to let his words return to him. 

Colin signed again and this time made his way slowly over to where he had seen Ant, Ben and the little ones earlier. As luck would have it Anthony was not sitting with his siblings after all. He was a few rows up sitting between two stunning ladies. 

This must be the reason we were all expected to be here today.

Colin wondered which of the ladies his brother was courting, surely it was not both? Tilting his head and looking closely at them he realized that Anthony seemed to be talking primarily to the tall lithe one. In fact, their conversation seemed quite passionate. That seemed to be a good omen!

Colin, having little interest in watching the actual race, leaned over to ask Hyacynth quietly if she had a copy of the latest issue of Whistledown. She peered around surreptitiously and reached into her pocket whereby she extracted a very crinkled mass of paper and tossed it at him. Before giving him a very stern look, one that would put Anthony’s to shame, and said, “you did not get this from me.” Colin nodded solemnly and worked at unfolding the crumpled up paper while scanning through it in search of familiar names. 

Aha he thought as he saw his brother’s name and began to read:

It appears the rumors are true, the Viscount Bridgerton intends to take a wife this season. You need take my word for it, as it was the Viscount's own mama who loudly declared her eldest son’s lofty intentions to marry whilst at the esteemed Lady Danbury’s ball last week. This writer admits to having some doubt as to whether Lord Bridgerton is truly looking for a match this season. For it would not be the first time an overly optimistic mama tried to force their sons away from sowing their wild oats. One would be wise to question if this particular “R” rake was truly ready to settle down. 

However, since that fateful declaration, Lord Bridgerton has been seen escorting what seemed like every eligible lady around town. Always with a notebook in hand and a very anxious looking lady trying desperately hard not to ascertain what it is he was writing about them. Would there be a lady that would satisfy his seemingly impossibly high ideals? It appeared the other night that the Queen herself managed to solve that issue for him. When at long last her Majesty named her diamond of the season to be the younger Miss Edwina Sharma as her . Formed under pressure, desired by many yet possessed only by a fortunate few there is nothing on earth quite so envied as a diamond. While this author finds Miss Edwina Sharma to be an exceptional young lady, do not lose hope in gaining a chance to win over Lord Bridgerton. For Miss Edwina has a protector unlike any other. An older sister who is determined that her sister shall marry only for love. And indeed it appears that any suitor wishing to gain an audience with Miss Edwina Sharma must first win over said sister! One imagines this shall prove quite the challenge for Lord Bridgerton, as he was also heard telling, all who could hear him in Lady Danbury’s garden, that he intends to marry only to fulfill his duty and does not believe in love at all!

A warning for all who intended to court Miss Edwina, the bard himself wrote his Kate to say “If I be waspish, best beware my sting!” Though I strongly advice not to attempt the same path those gentlemen took in an attempt to tame their shrew, for Miss Sharma seems to be not so easily fooled by the shallow flattery of men. Though were I Miss. Sharma, I would be sure to avoid any men by the name of Petruchio, for it should be no surprise that this author too has no intention of being tamed.

Part 2, Anthony’s afternoon at the races:

Anthony arrived early to the races determined to locate his old acquaintance Mr. Thomas Dorset. He had learned of the gentleman’s recent return from the subcontinent and believed it likely he could be persuaded to help distract the sister while he charmed Miss Edwina.

As luck would have it, he found Mr. Dorset rather quickly and was able to discreetly remind him of the time he’d helped cover the cost of his debts during a party at Oxford. He made an offer that he would be happy to forgive those debts if Mr. Dorset would be willing to spend the afternoon keeping Miss Sharma occupied. He seemed intrigued once Anthony explained who the Sharmas were and it seemed that perhaps his interest in Miss Sharma would not be entirely false. That should have been reassuring for Anthony, but for some reason it felt like he wanted to climb out of his skin. It felt itchy, like his clothes were too tight, something was just not right! Anthony paced around a bit, trying to shake off the feeling. He thought through his plan and nodded to himself. His next target, that dandy Lord Lumly. Taking care of him would be mere child’s play.

Anthony saw Mr. Dorset make his way over to the Sharmas and he put into motion getting Benedict to round up his siblings and bring them over to the seats he had indicated earlier to Mr. Dorset to meet at. Once his family was settled, all except of course for Colin who seemed to have wandered off by himself again. He waited for the Sharmas to arrive. It was not five minutes when he saw them take their seats just a handful of rows in front of them. 

It is remarkable how soft Kate’s face gets when she smiles. Anthony mused as he looked at her smiling at Mr. Dorset. When she noticed him watching, her face dropped and it felt like a punch to Anthony’s gut. How peculiar he thought.

Undeterred, he took a deep breath and made his way over to the group. There was Edwina next to Lord Lumly followed by Kate and Mr. Dorset. He could just make out Edwina saying,

“The helping of others is a noble interest, indeed. Mr. Dorset is much like you in that regard, sister.”   

Lord Lumly looked up and noticed Anthony standing nearby and greeted him enthusiastically.

“Lord Bridgerton! How delightful to see you!”

Anthony bowed his head slightly as he greeted them in return, "Miss Sharma, Miss Edwina, Lord Lumly”

“Lord Bridgerton,” Mr. Dorset said standing to tip his hat at the Viscount, “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Mr. Thomas Dorset.”

“A pleasure Mr. Dorset” Anthony returned with a nod, then smiled at Edwina and said “Miss. Edwina I was hoping to call on you this morning—”

Kate spoke over him saying “My sister is well aware of everything —”

“—But I promised my family I would join them for breakfast,” Anthony continued, seeming as though he had not heard Kate’s interruption “we are exceptionally close and break our fasts together regularly. Oh look! There they all are now,” Anthony indicated to Hyacinth, Gregory, Francesca, and Benedict sitting a few rows back.

Edwina who had been looking at Anthony with a warm smile turned to look at his family while Kate glared at him. Anthony could not resist smirking at Kate and lifting his eyebrows as if to emphasize his win at garnering her sister's attention. 

“One can tell a great deal about a man from his family, I rather think.” Edwina said while Lord Lumly gazed warmly down at her.

”Yes. There are many excellent, affectionate, families in the ton, not the least of which I have heard is the Lumly family. Is that not right Mr. Lumly?” Kate inquired pointedly avoiding looking at Lord Bridgerton, but instead forcing a smile as she looked to Lord Lumly to corroborate her claim.

”Indeed, Miss Sharma, though I must confess none are quite as inviting as the Bridgertons. Their hospitality is well known to be the warmest of the ton. In fact my mother has been wanting to enjoy another tea at Bridgerton House for some time,” he responded with a kind smile. 

“Well, we must gratify your wish, Lumly,” Anthony replied. “In fact I will insist upon you and your mother receiving an invitation to the infamous Hearts and flowers ball at Aubrey Hall next week,” Anthony offered magnanimously. 

“That is most generous of you, Lord Bridgerton, I am certain my mother will be honored by the invitation,” Lumly responded.

A calculating look passed over Anthony's face as he wiped at his brow, “I have noticed it is an unseasonably hot afternoon and yet I could not help but notice the ladies are without refreshments to keep cool.”

*We are perfectly content, thank you,” Kate tried to respond but Lord Lumly took the bait and stood rapidly saying, 

“Miss Edwina, allow me to fetch a lemonade for you and your sister.”

”That would be most agreeable, thank you My Lord,” Edwina responded with a slight blush blooming on her cheeks. 

Lord Lumly set off for refreshments and Anthony took that moment to squeeze into the now unoccupied space between Edwina and Kate. A satisfied smile stretched across his face. 

“Ah, it is a splendid day for a race,” he said while Kate pursed her lips and unsuccessfully hid her eye roll.

“Which one is your pick, my lord?” Edwina asked with a polite but slightly detached smile on her face.

Anthony sat up tall and took on the air of someone who thought they were imbuing some hard earned wisdom, “Ah well I have my money on Nectar. He is well-bred, highly trained,and well-favored.”

 Kate scoffed, “Nectar, really?”

Anthony turned to face Kate “Yes. I have a feeling about him.”

“A feeling,” Kate laughed.

Anthony looked affronted, “Pardon me?”

“Well,” Kate said, “you simply chose the horse everyone else has chosen. Quite a *feeling*!"

Anthony could not believe she had that gall to say that to him, “I will have you know, I made a strategic bet.”

Kate's face lit up, it was clear she enjoyed this type of back and forth, and found it as invigorating as Anthony did, that thought seemed to awaken something inside him that he hadn’t felt in years. A light bubbling sensation that started in his belly and filled his body with electricity—joy. 

“So, you've considered your horse's temperament, as well as the conditions of the track, in order to properly assess its true potential” she asked?

Edwina seemed to notice her sister’s heightened coloring and said, “It is suddenly rather warm, is it not? Perhaps we should find some more shade.”

Anthony felt his nostrils flare, distracted by the fact that he could still so clearly smell Kate’s intoxicating perfume— even over the smells of the horses below, continued as though he hadn’t even heard Edwina speaking,

“Nectar is a prize steed.”

Kate gave him a pitying look which caused his cock to stir, and his eyes drifted down to her lips as she said “Nectar ran well at Doncaster, but that was a firmer course. The weather was much cooler. Thus his size was an advantage.”

Anthony could not take his eyes from her, he felt his body respond to Miss Sharma’s soft lips and sharp mind as she dazzled them all with her knowledge,

“Today the track is soft, and it is hot, meaning he will struggle to make headway, overheat, and slow down during the final leg, giving High Flyer, a much swifter, lighter, cooler horse, the victory.”

Kate has stopped speaking and Anthony for once found his mind had gone blank and so he responded with the first thing he could come up with “You think too much about it.”

“And you, too little.” 

Anthony felt alive with the electricity between them, he was not sure which he wanted to do more, kiss her senseless while he rendered her speechless with his body, or to win in an argument with her. 

At that moment he was saved from his lust fuels thoughts with Lord Lumly returning with the lemonades

“My apologies for the delay,”  he said, handing first Kate and then Edwina their lemonades. 

Edwina smiled genuinely at him as he made room to sit on the other side of her from Lord Bridgerton. “It was most kind of you to fetch us these refreshments,” she said as she smiled up at him, “it is terribly hot out here and this is just the thing we need to help cool us down.”

Lord Lumly smiled at her, “It was my pleasure.”

Lord Lumly and Edwina smiled sweetly at each other meanwhile neither Kate nor Anthony seemed to have noticed, they were too busy pointedly looking towards where the horses had lined up for the race. Suddenly the bell rang and the horses were released; the race began.

The audience stood in anticipation cheering and shouting for their hopeful winner.

Nectar started off in the front, Anthony staring with rapt attention cheering for the horse’s victory. Meanwhile, Kate next to him was fully animated, cheering for High Flyer louder than anyone around them. 

She put her fingers to her mouth giving a spectacularly loud whistle in support of High Flyer who had just taken the lead. Anthony was completely dumb struck at the sight of Kate lost in her enthusiasm in a way that had so mirrored his own feelings moments before. But seeing her passion and lack of decorum, excited Anthony more than he could remember feeling as an adult and that immediately terrified him as well. It reminded him that this was exactly what he was trying to avoid. He did not want his emotions getting involved in who he chose to wed, that would only lead to heartache. He realized he needed to double down with his attention towards Edwina, who truth be told, Anthony hadn’t spared a thought for since he had managed to trick Lord Lumly into giving him his seat. 

The cheers from the crowd went wild, the race ended and Kate jumped up in the air in triumph, for of course, it was High Flyer who had won the race. 

She beamed, haughty from her win, “I must say, I have never bested a Viscount before. Beating you feels the same as any other win but somehow smells sweeter.”

Edwina, who had been noticing the heated interactions between Lord Bridgerton and her sister, aimed to help steer Kate back into a more appropriate decorum by asking her “Does Nectar not remind you of the beloved horse I used to adore? Kate, do you remember the one I am thinking of?”

Kate smiled at her sister and said, “ Of course, how could I forget.”

Anthony, seeing his opportunity to have a moment alone with Edwina asked if she would like to go down and meet the horse, he was sure he would be able to get permission to take her down to great Nectar.

“I would be delighted,” Edwina responded.

“Ah yes, excellent idea Bridgerton,” Lord Lumly agreed and he joined them as they began walking towards the horse track.

Anthony could hear Mr. Dorst head over to ask Kate, ”Miss Sharma, I must ask. Why do you jab at Lord Bridgerton so?”

Anthony found himself slow, wanting to hear how she would respond. “If the Viscount is serious about courting my sister, is it not my duty to try his mettle?”

Why did hearing this reminder that it was her sister he was trying to court and not her leave a heavy weight in his gut?

“The Viscount does not like to lose,” Mr. Dorset replied, “he has never stomached it, even back at Oxford.”

Anthony froze, he saw understanding flood Miss Sharma’s face before Mr. Dorset realized his blunder.

“You and the Viscount know each other from Oxford?” She asked in a tone belaying her fury, “I thought you met today.”

Mr. Dorset looked ashamed, “I have said too much — he thought you'd judge me if you knew we were acquaintances. But I must assure you that my interest in you today was genuine!”

Kate scoffed, “Genuine in the sense you were sent here to distract me, all so Lord Bridgerton could get closer to my sister!” With that she turned her fury towards where Anthony had walked with her sister. 

“We are leaving at once,” she said to Edwina, who looked justifiably shocked as she had not overheard Mr. Dorset's revelation and the last time she had seen Kate she was supremely happy due to her chosen horse winning. 

Kate turned to Anthony and said in a dangerously quiet clipped voice, “Do not speak to me or my sister ever again.”

“What has happened?” Edwina asked.

“It seems a second game was afoot today, and Lord Bridgerton made certain I played the fool,” Kate said fury and humiliation battling it out on her face. “Let us go.”

Anthony, feeling like an unmitigated ass, spoke quietly saying, “I meant no harm. I only wished to spend time with you. I thought that your sister and Mr. Dorset shared much in common; and that, had I been the one to introduce them, she would not give him a chance.”

Edwina looked at Anthony with sympathy in her eyes. “I understand my Lord, however I do think it is time we take our leave. Lord Lumly, would you be so kind as to escort us back to our Mama?”

“It would be my pleasure,” Lord Lumly reply has he offered both of his arms to the two sisters. 

With that Miss Sharma and Miss Edwina were escorted away and Anthony was left feeling like the wind had been removed from his sail. He was not sure how he was going to remedy this situation, but if there was one thing he was certain of, it was that as the head of his house, he could not abide failure. He needed to prove his worth and to do so he would have to redouble his efforts to win over Sharma sisters. 

Part 3, Later that night in a semi-private room at the gentlemen’s club:

Anthony looked down at the fist size paperweight in his hand. It was a deep black, that managed to glisten with a beautiful shine and when you looked closely at it, there were white, electrical streaks throughout providing a satisfying contrast. While the paperweight was a thoughtful gift from Colin, Anthony could not help but see in it the bright eyes of Kate flashing back at him with such passion that he had seen earlier in the day. He had been equal parts haunted by the fire in her eyes when they engaged in a spirited discussion about horses, and  look of hurt and betrayal when she learned of his previous connection to Mr. Dorset. As he moved the paperweight back and forth it appeared to created a similar spark and it made Anthony’s stomach clench and his body itch with the need to do something 

He looked up at his brothers, Colin and Benedict sat across from him. Colin talking animatedly about some ruins he had come across in Greece and Ben nodding, appearing to only be half listening. Occasionally answering questions about his own grand tour.

Anthony hadn’t been able to go abroad. Looking at Colin now, young and carefree, carrying none of the heavy burdens Anthony carried like an anchor around his chest binding him to the land and his family. Anthony was happy that his brothers could both have that freedom, but it didn’t stop the burning envy sitting at the pit of his stomach that all of those experiences had been stolen from him the day their father died and he had to step into that role. He had been younger than Colin is now, and yet he had seemed decades older. What he wouldn’t give to be unburied like them. Since that was an impossibility he instead put all of his focus on the dual yoke of being the perfect lord and guardian. He would take on the responsibilities so that they and his other younger siblings didn’t have to live burdened with responsibilities like he did. It was a role he took on willingly even if, on days like today, he felt he would do anything to change places with them. To be free to explore ways to light more sparks in a very specific pair of fine brown eyes, rather than take the practical route of finding a flawless Viscountess. 

While Anthony looked over at Colin, thinking how young and green he still seemed, a group of women came through the side door. Their perfumed skin seemed to suddenly cloud the room with their heady sensuality. In previous visits to the back room at Whites, Anthony would’ve been more than happy to take one of these beautiful women upstairs to partake in their particular skills. In fact he could even see his old mistress, Sienna across the room, having already located her target for the night, Lord Fife. She sat shamelessly astride his lap as she pulled at his cravat. Anthony was happy to find that the sight of her no longer made his pulse quicken and his cock harden. If anything, seeing these women made him feel even more resentment for the role he was obligated to obey. He decided to refocus on his responsibilities! After all, it was time to encourage Colin to find his manhood. It was clear that, though Anthony hoped Colin's trip abroad would have provided the proper inspiration for him to act on man's baser needs, Colin returned just as green as he left. It was Anthony’s duty to keep Colin from making the same mistake he almost made last season because he was clearly too eager for the marriage bed. So he nudged Colin as he tilted his head towards the women.

“What say you brother, which of these lovely ladies captures your interest?” He smirked. “I would be more than happy to provide the funds for as many as you would like tonight, as a sort of welcome home celebration…”

“I don’t think I’d be much company tonight,” Colin chuckled. “I just got home this morning. I am surprised I am not already asleep under the table.”

Oh, that is right, Anthony frowned. They will have to return later in the week. He had forgotten that it was only this morning, rather than the weeks it felt like, since he’d shown up at Lady Danbury’s, flower in hand, ready to court Miss Edwina. 

“Never fear,” Benedict stated with a cheeky grin at the women around them “for I feel my paintbrush is quite inspired tonight, all I am in need of is a muse, or two!” 

“And what about you, my lord?” A black haired beauty inquired as she sat on Benedict’s knee that was closest to Anthony. While a beautiful chestnut haired older lady straddled Benedict's other knee rocking her body in a grinding motion on him.  She leaned back and whispered in his ear saying something that elicited a laughter so effortless from him that Anthony felt immediate envy for their lightness. 

Anthony remembered the times that he too would have enjoyed having two beautiful women sitting upon his lap, however that time has passed, “Well, I believe my time for revelry has passed or did you not read the latest Whistledown? I am looking for a wife this season, I don’t have time for my own interests anymore.”

”Such a shame, I heard you are a very generous lover,” the raven haired beauty said with a less that subtle glance towards his lap.

“Never fear ladies, I am more than willing to show you I am capable of satisfying you both,” Benedict said as he bit the pulse point on the raven haired women while his hand managed to free the breast of the reddish haired lady facing where Colin was sitting. Benedict took the freed breast in his hand and allowed the nipple to slide between his fingers which he pinched and pulled at, eliciting a groan from the woman. 

“I hear Miss Edwina Sharma is a lovely and accomplished young lady,” Colin said while he tried to avert his eyes from the women on Benedict’s lap, “one wonders what she might possibly see in you, brother!”

Benedict, not able to resist jabbing his brother joined in with, “And that’s not the half of it,” he smirked as he paused to bend his head in order to take the revealed nipple into his mouth and bit, while his other hand moved to grasp the dark haired woman’s arse to help guide her grinding motion on his knee. He popped his mouth off and resumed teasing the nipple with his fingers as he continued “You have quite the challenge ahead of you to win Miss Edwina's affections, as she comes with a rather unusual protector. Is that not right Anthony?”

“Yes well… I will not let her sister stand in my way,” Anthony grumbled “I am looking for perfection and I have found my diamond. And you know, once I have my mind made up, I always get my way.”

Colin, face seemed to be almost as red as hair of their neighbors the Featheringtons, and he seemed to be struggling not to watch as Benedict continued to tease the women on his lap. Colin cleared his throat and dragged his eyes back to an amused looking Anthony, "Well if today was any indication it seemed neither Sharma sister looked all together pleased when they walked away from you at the races,” Colin said and then glanced back at Benedict as the sound of the women's breathy sounds started to increase. He seemed unable to turn back as he continued, “Once they left, the rumors spread immediately that Miss Sharma and you had quite a row in front of everyone at the races? Is that not so Anthony?

“Highly exaggerated,” Anthony tried to play it off “and you would do better not to encourage gossip, especially ones that could harm the reputation of your future sister-in-law!”

“And so you mean to tell me you had nothing to do with them leaving so abruptly?” Colin asked. His eyes practically glued to the well endowed chestnut haired woman astride Benedict's leg who had started bouncing as she appeared to lose herself grinding down on Benedict's knee, her breast did make a lovely bouncing motion that had clearly hypnotized Colin. 

Interesting, Anthony thought, well at least now he knew Colin may be inexperienced but he wasn’t like some of those dandy men who only prefer the company of other men, nor did he seem uninterested in the female form. That was encouraging. In fact Anthony would bet anything that if he asked Colin whether he had a change in mind regarding getting his own up close and personal experience up with those breasts, that he would get an affirmative. “I will admit I might have been a touch misleading in how I got my time alone with Miss Edwina today. However, it was not with any malicious intent! Not even towards the sister,” Anthony sighed.

“And what do you think you will do to change their opinion of you brother?“ Benedict took a breath to ask.

“Well, it just so happens that I am already working on a plan. I had mother go to Lady Danbury’s home this evening and personally issue them an invitation to our upcoming ball. They will be the guests of honor at Aubrey Hall for the entirety of the event which should afford me more than enough time to convince Miss Edwina to accept my proposal,” Anthony gave a sideways smile, feeling proud of how he had managed to get a solution in the works before the day was even over.

“Don’t you mean Miss Sharma?” Colin asked. Her name alone caused Anthony’s heart to start racing and his cock to perk up. None of the women there that night had been able to cause his body to respond, but one utterance of her name and it felt like his body had been turned inside out. He had no idea what caused his brother to say her name but he tried to pay attention when Colin continued, “After all, I read in Whistledown that it is her approval that a suitor needs to charm in order to win Miss Edwina’s hand...” 

“Yes, I believe I said that earlier brother but you seemed quite taken by those bouncing tits over there.”

Colin’s cheeks managed to turn so red this time that it reached his ears. He is most certainly a virgin. Anthony thought.

Colin tried to respond with a denial, but it was at that time that the aforementioned woman with the reddish brown hair and bouncing breasts loudly gasped before she turned to the other woman and grabbed her face pressing their mouths together in an desperate open mouthed kiss, their touches visible even from here diving into one another’s mouths. A gasping shudder seemed to overcome them before they pulled apart drinking in deep breaths as Benedict looked up at them enraptured.

Anthony nudged Colin, “You know, Benedict is always willing to share, if you would like to take that chestnut haired one upstairs for yourself, I know he would not object,” While Anthony was talking the woman Anthony spoke of walked over to Colin, her breasts still spilling out, drawing Colin’s eyes to them like a magnet. She saw this and tried to take his hand to bring it to her breast while asking if he would like a touch. Colin pulled his hand away and looked away and started to swallow rapidly. If Anthony didn’t know any better he’d say it looked like Colin was about to have one of those fits of vapors like one of his sisters. He saw Colin’s hand reach for that small brown bag he carted around with him all evening. He reached his hand in and appeared to brush over something, before he shook his head. ”Tempting as the offer is, I think I must be off. It has been a very long day today.” And with that Colin stood, adjusted his trousers with a bit of a flinch. He turned to grasp Anthony’s hand and pulled him into a hug. He turned back and nodded to Benedict who was watching this all with a deeply amused expression.

“I look forward to witnessing your attempts at winning over the Sharma sisters in the coming weeks,” Colin said and then took his bag and made his way out of the club. Anthony and Benedict made eye contact and Benedict chuckled, “That was a bit odd.”

Anthony nodded, not quite able to laugh along, as the image of the panic that flashed in Colin’s eyes had him wondering what was going on with his younger brother and added checking in with Colin to his mental tally of items he needed to do. 

“Right, well I am going to convene with my muses in a place with a bit more privacy,” Benedict said as he stood wrapping one arm around each of the women. “Will you be alright brother?” Benedict asked, and Anthony just nodded and brushed his concern away. While he heard the giggles of the women and Benedict retreating up the stairs nearby, Anthony reached down for his glass of whisky and finished it in one gulp. His right hand reached back down to pick up the dark paperweight, a gift from Colin, and resumed turning it this way and that in the candle light; trying to catch a glimpse of the lightning nestled inside. Imagining that it was the eyes of a quick witting electric woman, who was certainly making him question if he had in fact been struck by lightning the moment he met her. Because it seemed his whole life had changed, and it all happened in a single day.

Chapter Text

Anthony on the day of his arrival:

Anthony had arrived a day early to Aubrey Hall in hopes of squaring things away with his steward and ensuring that the estate was running as it should. Only he had found a few clerical errors that had been made in the sums which threw off all of the last month's numbers. It took hours of him painstakingly retracing his stewards calculations to find where the initial error had occurred and then another few hours righting all of the subsequent sums. By the evening, his head was pounding in sync with the hoof beats hailing the arrival of his mother and siblings.

He sighed while he rubbed his head and stood knowing, as lord of the house, it was important to greet his guests upon arrival, even if those guests were his family. He walked to the entrance hall just in time to welcome them. 

His mother walked up to him first, and absentmindedly gave him a kiss on the cheek, barely pausing while her attention remained on the conversation she was having with his sister Daphne. Which was more than he could say for his sister, as she barely spared a moment to nod a greeting in Anthony's direction. He could hear that they were busy discussing all of the minutiae for the week and decided their rudeness was preferable to being forced to join in the discussion. 

Daphne and her husband Simon, the Duke of Hastings, were using this event as their first public outing since the arrival of their first son August, Auggie, whom Anthony had yet to see arrive. 

Unsurprisingly, leading up to this week his mother and Daphne had been writing back and forth, with plans for every moment of the event. And now that they had arrived it was likely no one would be able garner either of their attention unless it has to do with the week's festivities. He looked for his friend, her husband Simon, amid what felt like hoards of Bridgertons. There, he spotted him laughing with Hyacinth and Gregory as they appeared to talk his ear off. Simon, however, did not seem upset at it; in fact he had a warm smile on his face as he listened to Anthony’s youngest siblings chattering away. 

Simon’s own baby, Anthony expected to find with his mother or one of his sisters cooing over him, as women were wont to do. Instead when he looked around he froze. Father? There in the entryway appeared Edmund, rocking a small baby. Anthony was equal parts elated and devastated. He could feel his eyes and throat begin to burn with the need to cry out, to melt down, to beg and plead with him to never leave him again, to weep for the years they had lost. But he fought back the urge, afraid it would cause him to blink and he would lose his father all over again. 

No, it could not be him! But what other explanation could it be?

He could see their dad with his own eyes. He was right there, back in the same place that, years ago Anthony himself had carried his dying body as he screamed and begged for his mother to come and save him. Perhaps it was his father's spectre here to haunt him for failing them all. For not being enough for everyone. 

The sight of his father rocking a baby was such a common occurrence growing up that had he the same skills with painting as Benedict he was sure he could have recreated from memory. It was the most natural state to see his father in, as he always seemed to have one or more of his siblings in his arms at all hours of the day. 

The burning in his eyes suddenly grew to be too strong and he was forced to finally blink and miraculously nothing changed. So he blinked and blinked again.

Then an unexpected realization flooded him and he felt himself drowning in disappointment. This was no memory, nor was it a spectre. In fact it was not his father at all but was instead Colin. His brother was the one who was rocking their little nephew, singing the silly little song their father had made up many years ago. It made Anthony's chest ache even more thinking of how much Edmund would have loved being a granddad, and how unfair it was that he had never lived to see that day. Never even got to hold his own youngest daughter. 

Their mother had always said that Colin truly looked the most like Edmund. But Anthony had always thought Colin looked like Colin, he had never understood that sentiment of their mother’s. That was until this moment. It was truly remarkable how Colin not only looked like their father, but seemed to embody his gentle soul. Anthony felt a deep longing to once more be held and protected by their father. There was a part of him that still felt like a small abandoned child. His soul yearned for guidance, for his father to lead him through adulthood rather than be left to stumble about blindly trying desperately to learn it all by himself. All the while attempting to maintain the mask of competency his family needed from him in to trust that he could be Viscount, father and brother all at once. Yet as hard as he tried, he knew he was woefully inadequate, but what other choice did he have?

He really should not be surprised that Colin was the first to claim time with Auggie. Even before their father had passed away, it was often Colin who had been found around the nursery. Always wanting to care for his younger siblings. Then after their father died he had been the one most often holding and caring for baby Hyacinth, while Daphne nurtured the rest of them. He had not truly appreciated that at the time; his own potent grief combined with the heavy weight of his new role had often blinded Anthony to anything beyond ensuring everyone had their basic needs attended to. Instead it took seeing Colin looking so much like their father, here in the home awash in the memories of their father, that it really hit him. 

This home was where they lived most of their time when their father was alive. He had very much believed children should be raised where they can be free to explore, get dirty and not have to worry so much about social etiquette. But after his death it felt like the home had become a mausoleum to his father's hopes and dreams, and it suffocated Anthony. It was why they had transitioned to making their London home their primary residence. As a result it often felt like he had robbed Gregory and Hyacinth the chance at the same childhood the rest of them had been blessed with as well as not having a father. It was, yet again, another of his many failures that haunted him as surely as he would have believed his father’s spectre to do.

It appeared that he was right to avoid this place. The memories held in its walls had proven they were capable of tearing apart his well built armor one piece at a time; threatening to reveal the vulnerable child he still was on the inside. Yet even now, though his heart ached with the longing for his father, he also felt profound peace at still seeing pieces of his father that were always with them. Reflected back at them through the actions and words of his siblings. Aubrey Hall carried both tragedy and majesty. And right then he could feel the emotions had returned to squeeze his throat; stealing his words the way a bee had once stolen their father’s last breath. 

It suddenly felt like it was all together too much for Anthony and so he turned and fled back to the safety and predictability of his office. He bypassed greeting the rest of his family to seek a refuge amid the torrent of his memories. Practically running to his office all while swallowing back the tears that threatened to spill from his soul.

It was there, in his office, hours later that Simon found him writing missives. He had instructed his footman to be ready to take the letters he was composing to all of the properties he managed, requesting the latest copy of their books for his review as soon as it was light enough to ride a horse in the morning. 

“I hear congratulations may soon be in order,” Simon said as he reached over to pour two tumblers with the dark honey coloured brandy from Anthony’s sideboard. Grateful for the distraction, Anthony reached over to take the proffered glass and tipped the cup to his lips tasting the sweet silken liquid fire wrap around his tongue and down his throat warming him as it went. 

“Yes, well, I concede that last season you had a point about me needing to fulfill my duties and so that is what I plan to do.”

”You know, your sister would not approve of you referring to any lady as your duty.”

”I see love has addled even your mind. While I will say it brings me joy to know my sister has found love. I am even more comforted to know that you are already well aware of just how ruthless I can be in seeking revenge, should any harm come to my sister, and so you are unlikely to risk my wrath.” 

“It is indeed lucky then that we both agree that no harm shall ever come to Daphne.”

”Mmm yes, indeed.” 

Anthony took another sip of his drink and reached over to refill their glasses.

”Is it true that you have already begun counting the younger Sharma sister, the one the Queen herself named the diamond of the season?”

”It is a bit more complicated than that, but I am working on it. I merely have to take care of her sister first,” he mumbled.

”Ah, yes I read Lady Whistledown likened her elder sister to Shakespeare’s shrew. Have you not been able to win her over her with your honeyed charm, Bridgerton?”

”It is not as simple as all that. Unfortunately Kate is nothing like that Shakespearean shrew, that I could trick a fool into taming so that I may steal away her sister. Instead, she is the true gatekeeper to Miss Edwina, the one that any suitor must win the approval of just to have a chance at courting her.” 

“I see an interesting conundrum. Shall I assume that you and Kate do not get along?”

”Hardly,” Anthony scoffed, “if it were as simple as not getting along, I would be able to work at it. No, instead I loathe her and she despises me.”

Simon appeared to be trying to hold back a smile, “Indeed, well I look forward to meeting both Sharma sisters this coming week.”

Anthony nodded at that and tossed back his drink, not giving himself the luxury of enjoying the way it would feel as it curled around his tongue. 

“Now tell me, why are you cooped up in here while your family is gathered in the parlor playing charades? It is not like you to miss out on a chance at winning.”

“Hmph, it seems my sister was the one who sent you to check on me, and here I thought you merely wanted to spend time with one of your oldest friends.”

“Cannot both things be true? Come, Anthony, surely your work can wait till tomorrow?”

”Unfortunately not my friend. It seems my steward had been less than accurate in his sums and so I must ensure none of my other properties are at risk. I am sending word now to all of our holdings to have them send a copy of their ledgers here, so that I may see for myself that they are all in order. And while I wait for those to arrive I plan to ride out and visit with the farmers and those in the village. You are welcome to join me should you wish to take a break from the party planning.”

Simon chuckled, “I have spent enough time away from my beautiful wife and child while tending to my own properties, Bridgerton, I am afraid you will have to invite one of your brothers if you are looking for company.”

Anthony made a non-committal sound and reached for the bottle of brandy to pour them another glass, only for Simon to shake his head. 

“I think two is enough for me tonight or I shall fall asleep right here instead of in the arms of my loving wife” he smirked at Anthony who felt like he was about to be sick all of a sudden.

“For the love of God man, she is my sister, some things a brother is better off not hearing, especially if you want to continue our friendship.”

Simon laughed and bid Anthony good night, as it was clear he would not be joining them for games that evening. After he left, Anthony poured himself a third glass of brandy and stared at its warm brown color glowing in the light, thinking of how Kate's skin had glowed similarly under candle light. He wondered if she too would melt under his tongue. He closed his eyes imagining how she would taste as he languidly opened his mouth and allowed the sweet liquor to coat his tongue, holding it there as he let the liquid fire burn him the same way he imagined her skin would set him aflame.

Colin on the day the guests arrive:

Colin paced in a lopsided circle around his room. He held a letter in his hands that he turned over and over as he wore a trail of footsteps in the golden colored rug on his floor. The letter had arrived mere hours ago just as the guests, who would stay at their home for the week, started to arrive. 

He had been at Aubrey Hall for the past three days. On the first day Eloise had casually mentioned that Marina and her now husband and two children were living in an estate not far from them. It seemed that Eloise had taken up correspondence with Marina after everything that had occurred last season. Colin was not sure how he felt about that. After learning that, he felt like there was an itch on his skin. Like something that needed to be resolved was just out of reach. He knew it was about Marina. He had spent so much of his time abroad trying desperately not to think of her and the foolish mistake he had nearly made. However it kept creeping in on him, poisoning his thoughts and weighing on his heart. 

What surprised him was that he did not so much as miss her, as he longed for the chance of being married and taken seriously. In some ways he still felt responsible for her, as though it had been his fault somehow, that she may be unhappy. He had been unkind to her in the end, and that did not sit right with him. Yes, she had hurt him and had planned to take advantage of his foolishness, but that did not give him the right to be cruel in return. What was worse was his guilt over feeling grateful that her condition had become known and they had not married. 

He knew that, had Whistledown not exposed her, he would have married her even knowing about the babes, as he would have wanted to protect them even at the detriment to his own feelings. For he realized that he did not love her, once he was away from home. He was not sure he even knew what love felt like. All he knew was from seeing how his mother grieved for years after their father died. Colin had little trouble letting go of any feeling about Marina except for shame. It was very unlikely he could have let go of his feelings for her so quickly, had it truly been love.

Now he was a mere horse ride away from the closure he had desired. So he had written to her, asking how she and the babies were doing, apologizing for how he had left things, asking if there was anything he could do to help her. He had agonized over those words for hours, writing multiple drafts before he gave up and sent something less than perfect. It left him with a head and heart full of jumbled up feelings and so he did what he often did at times like these, he wrote to Pen. Only this time he did not intend to send a letter as she would be arriving the next day for the festivities. Instead he used his journal as if he were writing to her. And suddenly his thoughts all aligned. It was always so easy writing to Penelope. Indeed, that was likely how they had come to be such consistent correspondents over their years. He knew he need not worry about saying the wrong things to her, she always seemed to understand him and never appeared to tire of his travel stories the way his family did. 

Each night after the one he sent Marina her letter, Colin wrote to Pen in his journal. ‘Till the day a response came. It just so happened to align with Pen’s arrival. Colin had been outside performing his duty of greeting the guests as they arrived. Though, truth be told, he did not mind, as he knew one would be Penelope. Somehow after just a few days away from her he was already anxious to see her again. It was hard to remember how he had managed to go months abroad without being able to see her cheeks flush after she delivered a particularly witty comment. 

Colin had been chatting with Eloise, hoping that if he preempted her trying to command Pen’s full attention, then he might get some time with Pen too. As though being summoned by his thoughts, Pen appeared at the top of the slight hill he and Eloise stood at the bottom of. When she saw them together her smile lit up so brightly he felt like he was her moon reflecting the light back at her, never able to shine with the same level as she did but always craning to keep her in his sight. She lightly ran towards them and he felt his thoughts turn remarkably ungentlemanly as the motion brought his attention right to her bouncing bosom, and he could not keep his mind from imagining how they would look bounc…No no no he had to contain his thoughts before he started to struggle concealing the way they were making his body respond. 

Let's see… unarousing thoughts, bees, penguins, glaciers, trees, grass, green grass, Pen’s beautiful green dress– no that one doesn't help– Pamphlets, Eloise, yes that works I just need to focus on what Eloise is saying he thought as he turned to listen to his sister who was middiscussion around some sort of women's rights pamphlet she had acquired by going into the less reputable parts of town. 

While Anthony would forbid Eloise from getting involved with the burgeoning women's rights movement, Colin thought it was rather brave of Eloise. He had only wished she would allow him or Benedict to chaperone her to the events but she seemed to think they would interfere with her ability to participate. He was going to offer that up again when Pen turned to address him, her gloved hand briefly touching his arm in a bid for his attention. A frisson of excitement bubbled around inside him at the feel of her touch.

“It appears your sister will not listen to me when it comes to matters of her safety; perhaps you would have a better chance at convincing her, Colin.”

He felt himself grow taller somehow, inflated by the faith Pen had in him, though unfortunately misplaced as he had never had any luck with trying to change Eloise's mind about anything for her entire life, it seemed. 

“I wish I had the same faith in my abilities as you do,” he replied with a smile. 

Eloise scoffed, “Precisely, and in any case, I am being careful Pen, you truly have nothing to worry about.”

At that moment one of the footmen walked over to Colin holding a tray with an envelope on it. 

“I apologize for the interruption, but this has just arrived for you sir and you had asked to be informed immediately should you receive any correspondence.”

Colin picked up the letter and saw his name along with the name and address of Marina’s on the back. His stomach dropped. It had arrived! 

“Thank you John, I appreciate your expeditiousness at getting this to me.”

John inclined his head in a bow and left. Colin looked up from the letter once he realized the room had fallen silent. Pen and Eloise were both looking at him as though they were waiting for him to reply, 

“Pardon me, but did I miss something?”

“Colin! Honestly, are all men as daft as my brothers or am I just lucky?”

“What I think your sister means to say Colin, is that she would like to know what letter you have received that was of such importance that you had requested its immediate delivery?”

“Oh” he hesitated, “I believe that is not something I feel compelled to answer at this time.”

Eloise bent her head around while he was speaking and exclaimed, “aha! Well you needn't hoard your secret now, for I have seen the name on your letter and I think it is quite hypocritical of you to presume anything I do is unwise, when you are clearly corresponding with the person who tried to entrap you.”

“Eloise!” He hissed while looking around quickly to see if anyone heard her. “Lower your voice, I do not need the likes of Lady Whistledown catching wind of this. She has done quite enough harm to Miss Thompson. I mean, Lady Crane, as it is.”

“That letter is from Marina?” Penelope asked with what sounded like trepidation in her voice. Colin gave a tight-lipped nod as he tucked the letter into his jacket to prevent further gossip spreading outside of their group.

“I did not know the two of you corresponded” Pen spoke, her tone a bit higher than usual. This gave Colin pause. He lifted his eyes to hers hoping her eyes would illuminate the answer, but he could discern nothing aside from the feeling that her glow seemed to have dimmed slightly. It made him feel panicky. He wondered if she felt troubled that it was her cousin who had been the one to try to entrap him. He tried to figure out a way to reassure her that she held none of the blame, when his mother's voice grew closer. He needed to move quickly, lest she find him and proceed to drag him around to greet all of the eligible ladies where he would be forced to playact a charming gentleman when he had a heavy weight pulling him down by his pocket.

“I apologize ladies, but I must be off, I shall see you both this evening,” he said with a quick bow as he made his way towards the house and away from his mother. He felt bad leaving Pen without having the chance to reassure her, but avoiding his mother took

precedence. 

He decided, with all of the guests arriving, that it would be best to read Marina's letter in the privacy of his bedchamber. He made his way to the servants stairway, where he was less likely to be interceded by any of his family or other guests who may want his attention. He did pass by the newest lady's maid on his way up but as soon as she saw him she ducked away and so it was unlikely that she would report his location to anyone, should they ask her. 

Finally in his room with the door closed, he sat at his desk where the bundle of letters he carried around with him were already resting. He moved them aside to lay out Marina’s letter. 

Dear Mr. Bridgerton,

 

I am happy to hear that you and your family are doing well. Your trip to Greece sounds like it was enjoyable. 

 

I am unsure as to why you felt you had to write to me. I do not need your apology any more than I desire your forgiveness. You and I are in the past. I can assure you that I am doing well as are my children. Lord Crane and I are content. I hold no ill will towards you or your family. 

 

It is true that I once thought it would be enough to run away with you and forget life’s problems. But what I have learned is that I do not need saving in that way. That was a fool's dream and you are foolish if you think to dwell in the past. What I needed was to make my own practical decisions and I have done so. I have left the past behind, I suggest you do the same.

 

You have always seemed to live in a world of fantasy, one in which I have no interest in. Do not look to me to be the maiden in need of your saving. I do not need it and I do not want it. I am a mother now, my focus is on my children’s safety and security, both of which Lord Crane has been able to provide. He cares for me and he is a good father. We have built a life together. I am no longer the woman you once knew and I refuse to be thrust back into such a world of fantasy.

 

I apologize for my bluntness, but I think that you need to hear it, to wake up, grow up, move beyond the past. If you would simply open your eyes to what is in front of you then you might see those there that already make you happy. You have many people who care for you, your family, your friends, my cousin. Seek them out because your future will certainly not be found in the past with me.

 

I do hope you find your way,

 

Lady Crane

Colin read through the letter a second, third and even fourth time. Each time it left him feeling like a child. It was the evidence that all of the things Anthony had accused him of were true, he was a foolish child, no one would ever take him seriously; he was too much and not enough.

That was a fools dream and you are foolish if you think to dwell in the past … wake up, grow up

You live in a world of fantasy.

Those words had continued to haunt him for the rest of the day. Words so similar to ones Anthony had said when Colin first announced his engagement to Marina. Words implied by Lady Whistledown when her writing laid bare his shame and humiliation for all the world to read. Words that followed him, whispering doubts in his heart, poisoning his tour around Greece, like a vulture eagerly watching a dying animal as it waited for death to come deliver it's next meal.  

He imagined those same words being echoed in the minds of those people in his life that Marina said to seek out. Echoed within his mother, that kept her from ever holding him to the same level of expectations she held her brothers. It was within his closest sister, Daphne, who had looked upon him with pity and condescension when things fell apart with Marina. It was with Benedict who never seemed to truly see Colin; too young to be played with like Gregory, Hyacinth and Francesca, but not old enough to be invited to join him in his revelries like he did with Anthony. And while Anthony would invite him along, it was clear that his reasoning was as a father, trying to teach and introduce Colin to the world of men, rather than viewing him as a peer; someone to share in the moment with as he did with Benedict. 

Perhaps it was not true that all of them viewed him as such. Penelope had never made him feel small and foolish. She always seemed to reflect back whatever silly game, or witty remark he would make to her as a bid for her attention. She even reassured him that he had not been foolish to propose to Marina so quickly after knowing her, even though she herself had been the one to first try to warn him of Marina’s less than romantic feelings for him. She had never forsaken him. 

After pacing around the room for much of the day, wrapped up in his own self loathing, he decided to focus back on the one person who truly knew him: Penelope. He sat down at his desk, took out a fresh sheet of parchment, inkpot, quill and got to writing.

Meanwhile Anthony earlier that day:

Anthony, as Viscount of the house, stood with his mother, the Dowager Viscountess and his sister, the Duchess of Hastings, at the front of the house in order to greet the guests of honor. He could see over the way his younger siblings had set about enjoying the beautiful day out in the garden with the guests of their choosing. His heart twinged with envy wishing to be anywhere but here. 

It had been a good few days, getting to ride around the country and meet with the farmers and land holders. He was still working on reviewing the books that had arrived by footman from all of their holdings late last night and he resented the intrusion that having to greet guests made to his work. Yet, if he was honest with himself, where he truly wanted to be was down at the bottom of the hill with his siblings rather than playing the role of Viscount. But, like so much in his life, he knew his duty and understood that he had no choice but to be here. 

“You know brother. I have heard that your future Viscountess may be among the guests arriving today. Is that not so?” Daphne asked.

“Indeed sister, it seems you and Simon have been conversing. But you are right, Miss Edwina Sharma shall be arriving with Lady Danbury and her sister and mother to join in the festivities. They are our guests of honor as you already know,” he looked down at her cheeky grin.

“And much like you last season, she has been named the diamond of the season by the Queen. I find I quite agree with her assessment. She is gentle and intelligent which will make an excellent mother. She truly is the picture of grace, beauty and charm, a paragon of womanliness. Skilled in all of the various accomplishments desired in a young lady of good breeding. I am convinced that she shall be the ideal woman to be the next Viscountess Bridgerton.”

“That is all good and well that she possesses those qualities. But what of your feelings for her, do you love her? Does she love you?”

“I find her quite agreeable as I'm sure you will. The only difficulty I am having is with her sister who has styled herself as something of a gatekeeper. I am afraid I must ask you to help me win over both sisters. And as for love, that is not a feeling that I have the luxury of indulging in. She will make me happy and I will endeavor to do the same for her.”

He could practically feel her pitying look, which did little to help him. He felt it was infuriating the way happily married couples in love always felt the need to push their choice as being the only right one. Anthony had complete faith in his plan and none of it required love.

“Fear not Anthony, seeing as though you were such a help to me last season, it would only be fair of me to return the favor,” she smirked at him, as it was in fact the opposite last season. Unfortunately, Anthony had made Daphne’s first season out considerably more difficult than it ought to have been and he still felt an echo of shame for that. Compounded by the plethora of his many other inadequacies. He knew that their father would not have blundered it up in the same way, but he decided to push that thought back in his mind, to torment him later. Instead he chose to lean into the familiar teasing banter. “Is that a threat of a promise,” he queried with a teasing smile just as Lady Danbury’s carriages arrived and put an end to their conversation.

Out of the first carriage stepped Lady Danbury, followed by Lady Mary, Miss Sharma and Miss Edwina. Anthony stepped back to take in the full scene in order to best determine the most advantageous approach to take. 

“Good Morning Lady Danbury, and Welcome!” Violet said in greeting as she and Daphne curtseyed to their guests.

”Yes, good morning indeed, now where is my great godson! You know he is the only reason I endured such a long journey.”

”It is a joy to see you, Lady Danbury,”Daphne said as she treated her with an affectionate smile, “but I am afraid to inform you that Auggie is napping at present, but I am certain he will be happy to see you once he has awoken.”

Anthony saw his mother turning to great Lady Mary while Miss Sharma stood slightly apart, staring up at Aubrey Hall with a small beautiful smile on her face. Anthony felt his body being drawn toward her before he had even registered that he was moving. 

“Is that a smile I see?” He teased her. 

Kate responded with a dramatic sigh and cast Anthony an exasperated look. One he was certain was intended to be off-putting, but he somehow found it utterly charming.

“I see my plan to win you over is already working, if you are smiling merely from just a brief glance at one of my many properties, I should wonder how long it will take till I have fully won you over.”

“I was smiling at the view, not the house, which you are now, in fact, blocking.”

”Mark my words Miss Sharma, by the end of your stay your opinion of me will be much improved.”

“I did not think you were such an optimist, since your schemes to manipulate me are now out in the open, I suppose anything would be an improvement indeed.” Her eyes sparkled with the fire from inside of her and Anthony felt his own one spark to life; as though one flame was beseeching the other to play. 

He was staring at her so intently that he had not registered his sister walking over to them. “And you must be Miss Edwina,” Daphne turned to great Miss Sharma whose face looked confused by the mixup. 

“N-n-no!” Anthony stammered, probably a bit too forcefully. He forced himself to slow down and take a deep breath, hoping to sound less ruffled before he continued, "Excuse me, this is her sister Miss Kate Sharma. Miss Sharma allow me to introduce you to my sister, the Duchess of Hastings.”

Daphne looked back and forth between the two of them with a bit of confusion on her face, before she was able to regroup, “Forgive me Miss Sharma, and please call me Daphne.”

Kate smiled back at her, seeming unaffected by his sister's mistake, which seemed wholly unfair, as Anthony himself could feel his body reacting to the thought of Kate being the woman he was trying to court. His hands felt sweaty, and his chest pulled at him with a sense of longing. 

“Do not worry yourself. I am entirely flattered, your Grace– I mean, Daphne,” she amended when she saw Daphne open her mouth to protest the use of her title. Kate then turned around and gestured to her sister, who Anthony had only just noticed, had been right there, observing the whole time.

“Allow me to introduce my sister, Miss Edwina Sharma.” 

Edwina made a flawlessly graceful curtsy to Daphne, “It is an honor your Grace.” Daphne smiled at her, “Please, the both of you, call me Daphne. I am truly happy to meet you both.” Edwina smiled at her and Anthony noticed Daphne had turned to give him a decidedly accusatory look. But he did not have the energy to worry about what his sister was trying to communicate. 

Instead he turned to Miss Edwina and with a bow greeted her properly, “Miss Edwina, I am pleased to introduce you to my home, Aubrey Hall.” He gestured to the building behind him.

She smiled, “It is a beautiful home, my lord, it was most generous of you to invite us as your honored guests.”

”It was my pleasure, I hope you will enjoy your time here. I confess I am looking forward to having all of this time to truly get to know one another.”

”I look forward to that as well my Lord,” Miss Edwina replied with flawless manners. She curtsied and made her way toward where her mother and Lady Danbury were making their way inside.

Anthony could not resist the urge to turn and look at Kate once more before she too joined them inside. His chest clenched as he noticed that fire inside her that he had so enjoyed stoking, seemed to be banked with only a small spark left behind. He felt cold, bereft, without it. He could not remove his eyes from her as she turned to make her way towards his home. His eyes stuck to her retreating figure until he heard the buzz of a bee. 

Sudden panic; his heart rate picked up and he looked around desperately trying to locate the harbinger of death. And then he saw it land on Kate’s shoulder. 

“No!” 

He screamed as he leapt toward her, swiping at the bee. 

Not her, not Kate, not her please! His thoughts screamed through his head. Too much like they had many years ago in this very spot, as he witnessed his father’s life slowly retreat from his eyes. 

Please! Dear God not again! Not to Kate!

He could not imagine a world where he would no longer be able to see the fire that danced in her eyes.

In a blink of an eye he had taken her by the arm, looking frantically for the bee. She looked up at his startled eyes, the bee having already flown away leaving nothing to find as it had only used her shoulder to rest a moment. But that did nothing to calm the panic that held onto him, tight like a leech draining his life. 

He could not breath, could not speak, he was completely unable to let go of her. Unwilling to risk what would happen if he did.

“Lord Bridgerton, whatever is the matter?” Kate asked as his mother came up next to him, likely alerted to his distress by his shout. 

He managed to choke out, “bee.”

He could see Kate look at him questioningly while his mother’s eyes filled with warm understanding. “It is alright dearest,” his mother said as she placed her hand over his arm that was still holding onto Kate. She squeezed him reassuringly and he managed to turn his eyes towards her, “Everyone is fine, but you must let go of Miss Sharma so that she can follow her family inside. Could you give me your arm, and escort me inside?”

Her calm voice helped Anthony feel his body start to relax, at least enough to let go of Kate and take his mother’s proffered hand. Kate gave him a puzzled look, but then turned to make her way over to her sister who was standing at the door. After she was safely inside his mother helped guide Anthony back into the house and right to the sofa in his office. 

She sat next to him while he felt tears slide down his face and she rubbed his back. He looked up at the portrait of his father over the fireplace, “It was a bee, I just thought, what if–” He could not finish his thoughts aloud but it did not seem to matter as his mother was able to understand him.

“She is alright dearest,” she kept repeating to him until Anthony's breaths returned to normal. “Now my sweet boy, I need to return to great guests, but I suggest you stay in here and leave the rest of the greeting to you sister and I.”

“But what of Kate, and her family? I should find them and explain my outburst.”

“Do not trouble yourself. I shall check on them before going back out, though I am certain Lady Danbury has already discerned it for herself, I will merely help reassure them.”

Anthony nodded at that and his mother stood up, kissed him on the forehead and then left. Anthony looked back up at the portrait of Edmund and in a soft pleading voice confessed, “I thought it was going to sting her and then she would be taken away from me just like you were. I was so scared that I would lose her, I felt my very soul cry out. This was exactly what I was trying to prevent. It is why I cannot afford to love, I would never survive losing it again. I must redouble my efforts with Miss Edwina.” 

Anthony eventually got up and rang for tea as he made his way to the desk to continue working on validating the books from his tenants. It helped to give himself something he knew he was good at, because any time he took a moment to pause, he felt his mind drift back to that fire behind Kate's eyes going out and the helplessness he felt.