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Chapter Text

It’s a battle to get away from the crowd and the cameras, but Bucky needs to talk to Sam before he sees the news.  He needs to explain things while Sam is still willing to speak to him.  

Bucky pulls out his phone and his heart drops into his shoes.  There’s already a text from Sam from seven minutes ago.  Sam’s already heard.

Yelena approaches Bucky and asks, “What is wrong with your face?”

Bucky thinks of lemons and tries to get some saliva back into his completely dry mouth, but all he can picture is Sam’s angry face.  

“It can’t be that bad,” Yelena says as she looks at Bucky’s phone.  “Oh no. That is very bad. What does the message say?”

“I haven’t read it yet,” Bucky explains as he hovers a finger over the notification.  He needs to know what it says, but the dread building in his stomach is paralyzing.  Bucky will take fighting a super powered lab experiment over facing Sam’s disapproval any day.  

“Is something wrong?” Bob asks, joining Bucky and Yelena with a look of genuine concern.  “I mean… wronger than the stuff I already know is wrong?”

“We think Bucky is about to be dumped by his boyfriend,” Yelena explains.  “It is very sad.”

Bob looks heartbroken for Bucky.  “I didn’t know you had a boyfriend… maybe we can talk to him.  That’s what teams do, right?  They work together and do the impossible…”

“Yes,” Ava pipes in drily, “That’s definitely how teams work.  Who is your boyfriend?  Can we team up and bully him into not leaving you?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” Bucky snarls.  “I have a friend and he’s probably pissed off…”

“But you are hero!” Alexei yells as he joins the group, slapping Bucky hard on the back.  “Surely your boyfriend is eager for the love making times after seeing you part of such a heroic victory…”

Yelena covers her ears and Bucky is tempted to do the same.

“I guess I’m supposed to care now,” Ava sighs.  Her tone is indifferent, but her eyes are teasing.  “Who is your boyfriend, Bucky?  We are all dying to know who you're sharing ‘the love making times’ with…”  

Bucky repeats that he does not have a boyfriend at the same time that John Walker answers, “Sam Wilson.  The ‘real’ Captain America.”

Bob’s eyes open wide.  “You’re dating Captain America?”

Alexei’s eyes are equally wide.  “Sam Wilson?” he cries before giving Bucky a crushing hug.  “Such a good catch!  You must be eager for the love making times!”

Bucky almost wishes he could return to the Void where he was only forced to deal with god awful moments from his past rather than the new god awful moment unfolding around him.  

“Is this Captain America a nice one?” Bob asks before giving Walker a weak and apologetic smile.

“Yes,” Walker sneers.  “Everyone loves Sam Wilson.  He’s just the best.”

“You don’t like him?” Bob asks, looking confused.

Walker frowns, “Okay, I can see how my tone was confusing there, but, yeah, he’s actually a pretty great guy.”  

“If there is going to be a team of Avengers, then Sam is going to be the one leading it,” Bucky starts to explain, but he is cut off by the cheers of his teammates.

“Captain America will lead us all to glory!” Alexei yells, throwing his hands in the air.

“Sam is not going to be part of our team,” Bucky yells, trying to make himself heard over his teammates.  “He’s going to put together a real team of real heroes and he’s probably pissed off that we’re out here tarnishing the name.”

He instantly regrets being so harsh with his tone as the whole group seems to deflate in front of him.  

Yelena sighs.  “Yeah, that makes more sense than us being Avengers.  It was a nice idea, though.”

“At least we’ll have the photos with the signs,” Ava adds.  “Something to put in the scrapbook.”

“Yeah,” Walker huffs. “I’m going to have a whole scrap book of bullshit temporary accolades my son will never want to look at.  Fucking A.”

Bucky makes them all turn around so he can look at the message, which is actually just a booking link for Sam’s hotel and the words, Any time after 7.

“I guess he wants to talk tonight,” Bucky tells them, honestly unsure of how worried he should be.  The message is brusque by Sam standards, but Sam is most likely to send quick texts when he’s traveling.  Sam’s hotel is in New Jersey.  He must have been trying to get to the city when everything was going down.  Although Sam surely would have had some expertise to help deal with the Void, Bucky is glad Sam didn’t have to experience it.  Sam doesn’t deserve to have his past pain shoved in his face.

“He gave you his hotel room?” Yelena asks, craning her neck to see the phone screen.  “That’s good, right?  That is a good sign?”

“He probably wants some privacy while he stomps Bucky’s heart into the ground,” Ava quips before looking apologetic.  “Sorry.  Force of habit.  Maybe it’s good.  Maybe he wants… the love making times? Or maybe he wants to get married and do whatever normal people do after getting married.  Have kids or adopt a dog… mow a lawn.”

Walker slaps both of his hands on Bucky’s shoulders and looks him in the eyes before saying, “Beg.  Get on your knees and beg.  Sign over all your money to him, sign any contract he puts in front of you, do whatever it takes to keep him from getting away.  Fuck any kind of self-respect and keep that man in your life.”

Bob expresses concern that might not be a healthy suggestion, but Yelena and Ava are nodding in agreement with Walker.  

“And remember to stimulate the prostate,” Alexei adds, just to ensure Bucky feels as uncomfortable as possible.  “Do you know what prostate is?  Yelena, use your phone to find a video to show Bucky how to…”

“I am going to walk away now and we can all talk tomorrow and figure out where we go from here,” Bucky says, backing away from the group.  

“Beg!” Walker yells as Bucky leaves.  Bucky glances back just in time to see Walker holding up two fingers and demonstrating how to stimulate a prostate.  “Get on your knees and stay on your knees.  You might not get a second chance.”

The press is everywhere, so Bucky has to get creative.  He sneaks himself into the hotel in a food truck, and then crawls through an air duct to get to the right floor unnoticed.  The minor inconvenience and indignity are a helpful distraction from thinking about Sam's reaction to Val declaringing Bucky and his motley crew as the new Avengers on live television.  Even thinking about it gives him pangs of shame as deep as anything he felt in the Void.  

The worst part of it all is the way the others seemed excited by the idea, like they could actually be Avengers.  Like anyone would look at them and confuse them with real heroes.  Bucky is proud of what they accomplished and he believes they can do good, but they are not exactly ready to provide the world with a feeling of security.  Maybe someday after they’ve learned to really work as a team, and if they can find enough therapists feeling ready for a challenge…

Maybe they can find their way to standing next to real heroes, but teamwork and the magic of friendship won’t turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse.

Bucky hesitates at Sam’s door, feeling nowhere near ready to face Sam’s questions, but the uncertainty is eating at him.  He needs to know what he’s lost.

Bucky knocks twice before the door opens and Sam quickly tugs him inside.  

“How did you avoid the press?” Sam asks, his big brown eyes sparkling with amusement.  “Did you sneak in through the laundry truck?”

“Food truck.”

“Good thinking.  My phone is blowing up with people asking me to comment on your little press conference,” Sam explains, still looking amused rather than angry.  “I can’t believe you formed an Avengers team and didn’t even invite me.  Rude.  I thought we were friends.”

“Sam, I swear we had nothing to do with that…”

“I saw the video, Buck,” Sam says, cutting him off.  “And I want to hear all the backstory, but… are you okay?”

Sam is staring intensely into Bucky’s eyes, making him go a little weak in the knees.  

“I’m… fine?”

“Very convincing,” Sam teases.  He’s not quite smiling, but his eyes have a distinct twinkle to them.  “I’m serious, Buck.  I’ve been hearing things about what happened to people in ‘the darkness’ or ‘the void’ or whatever the press is calling it.  It sounds… intense.”

Bucky refuses to let himself think about what he saw in the Void, and he is not lying when he says, “I’m fine.  Nothing I haven’t thought about nonstop for years.”  

Sam gives him a sad little smile that makes Bucky want to throw his arms around Sam and protect him from all the ugliness of the world.  He settles for patting Sam’s arm and repeating, “I’m fine.  It sucked, but it didn’t mess me up any worse than usual.”

Sam doesn’t look reassured, but Bucky isn’t sure what else he can say.  The Void was terrible, but so is Bucky’s brain.  

Sam carefully pulls Bucky in for a hug, like there’s a chance Bucky might be anything but desperate for the contact.  Sam is freshly showered and Bucky breathes in the familiar scent of his body wash and deodorant.  He tries not to be weird or clingy, but Sam keeps holding him in a gentle embrace and Bucky is starting to feel a little teary-eyed.  

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Sam murmurs into Bucky’s ear.  “I tried to get there but you guys were already having a press conference by the time I got through airport security.”

“I’m glad you weren’t there,” Bucky says without thinking.  “I mean, I’m glad you didn’t, you know, experience it.  I… I wouldn’t want that for you.”

Bucky cringes at his lack of eloquence, but Sam is still holding Bucky and rubbing his back.  He hasn’t been pushed away yet.  

“Sarah told me to tell you that she and the boys are so glad you’re safe,” Sam says, pulling back slightly to look Bucky in the eyes.  “She also says, ‘What the hell, Bucky?’ and I am pretty sure she is waiting for a response.  I ordered food already, let’s have a seat and you can start spilling the tea.”

Chapter Text

As soon as Sam starts pulling out the take-out containers from a paper bag, Bucky knows where they are from; he’d recognize the scent anywhere.  He and Sam had ordered from that same little Armenian place near the hotel a little over a year ago while working on a mission.  Bucky had been filling in as ‘man in the chair’ while Joaquin was away with a family emergency.   Bucky had been nervously waiting to begin his term as a congressman, and helping Sam had sounded like a good distraction.  

Bucky remembers repeatedly declaring the take-out the best food he’d ever had that hadn’t come out of Sarah Wilson’s kitchen.  Bucky has considered going back just to see if the food is actually as good as he remembers, but figured it could only lead to disappointment.  Like the old saying goes: food always tastes better after you’ve spent a solid fifty-two hours, 47 mins, and six seconds wondering if the person you love more than anything in the world is dead (only to see him come flying out of the Hudson River with shield in hand and a cocky smile on his face).     

“Do you remember this place?” Sam asks, holding out a box of kebabs.  “You really liked the… well, the whole khorovats menu if I remember correctly.  I have a little of everything here.”

“Did you get any of the yogurt?” Bucky asks, already knowing the answer.

Sam gives him a smug smile before producing an oversized container of matzoon.  “The biggest container they would sell me.  I let them know a man gets hungry after saving the world from god-like supervillains and clinical depression, and they gave me the hook-up.”

“I was just a supporting player,” Bucky explains.  Sam smirks and continues pulling out food, and Bucky feels compelled to make himself clear.  “Seriously, Bob did the real work and it was Yelena that figured out…”

Bucky feels sick as he remembers watching Bob sliding into the Void and feeling completely helpless to stop it.  All he could see in that moment were the team’s limitations.  None of them were eloquent or inspiring or even socially-skilled.  None of them could tell a person how to avoid falling into the darkness, because they were all too busy swimming in their own darkness.  Bucky had been wishing Sam were there to make a beautiful speech that would pull Bob back from the brink, but Yelena did what Sam actually would have done if he had been there - she made a connection by being caring and compassionate.  It isn’t the pretty speeches that have Bucky tripping over himself to stay in Sam’s good graces, it’s the yogurt. It’s the little acts of kindness and thoughtfulness that make a person feel seen and cared for, that make a person feel like they matter.  

His teammates assume Bucky is on his knees for Sam (in one way or another), begging to be allowed to remain in his presence a little longer because Sam is lovely and whole and has a light that draws people in.  Any one of them would be grateful just to have someone like Sam to give them sincere eye contact and validating statements after their ordeal.  If he were to go back to the team and tell them that Sam greeted him with compassion and concern and ordered him a beautiful and thoughtful meal, they would look at him like he was John Walker - just blowing smoke to make himself look important.

And if he told Sam how profoundly envious the others would be to know that Bucky has someone in his life who takes the time to put little notes in his phone to remember his favorite foods, and who knows Bucky well enough to anticipate the ways a mission might have harmed him, Sam would look at him like he was Alexei Shostakov - a complete fucking lunatic.     

“Figured out…?” Sam prompts, pausing his movements to give Bucky his full attention.

“I’ll tell you the whole story while we eat.  It’s… complicated.  Did you get yourself some gata?” Bucky asks, not seeing any signs of a dessert among the take out boxes.  Sam doesn’t indulge in many sweets, so when he does, he savors the hell out of every bite.  Watching Sam eat dessert usually leaves Bucky feeling charmed.  And kind of horny.    

Bucky watches Sam’s face go through all the stages of grief in about 30 seconds before settling into a mournful acceptance.  

“I can’t believe I forgot the gata!  That was my favorite part,” Sam observes mournfully.  “I remember thinking ‘Don’t lick your fingers in front of Bucky, he’ll lose respect for you if you act like a gluttonous little kid’.  Then I did it anyway because that was some of the best dessert I have ever tasted.”

Bucky very much remembers Sam laughing and licking his fingers and threatening to lick Bucky’s fingers next.  He thinks about that particular memory on a daily basis.  

“When do you need to head out?  I can grab a box tomorrow,” Bucky offers.

Sam smiles and shakes his head.  “You don’t need to schlep all the way to Jersey to bring me food.  I can get it myself.”

“But you won’t,” Bucky says because he knows for a fact that Sam will talk himself out of the treat.  “And you ‘schlepped’ here from… Bolivia?  I think I can handle crossing a state line.”

“They weren’t letting anyone fly into the states.  I had to fly to… You know what?  This is a long story, too.  Start eating.”

Bucky inhales his food - it really is goddamn amazing food - while Sam gives his animated and woeful tale of trying to fly to New York, but learning that no planes or ‘persons with wing packs or other personal flying devices’ were allowed into US airspace.  

“Can you believe they specifically called me out like that?” Sam wails.  “So unnecessary.”

“But you were planning to put on your wing pack and sneak in?”

“Obviously!  And I really didn’t need the extra attention on me while I was literally hoping to fly below the radar…  But then you guys saved the world and the normal flights resumed.”  Sam throws a triumphant fist in the air, “New Avengers… nervously assemble!”

Bucky has to laugh at that.  “That’s about right.”

“One minute, I’m getting word that Congressman Bucky Barnes is flipping trucks in the desert and then you’re on the news, looking very confused - but handsome - and I am hearing that you are now a… New Avenger?  That’s such a bad name.”

“Why not just call us ‘Worse Avengers’?  Everyone knows if you add ‘new’ to a familiar title, it’s a bad sign.”

Sam is trying hard to keep his sympathetic expression, but his lips keep twitching as he tries to look serious.

“New car smell is usually a winner,” Sam offers.

“I would prefer the world calling us the New Car Smell Avengers.  That would be less humiliating.”

“You could get air fresheners in the shape of an A to wear around your necks…”

“I’ll be real, Sam… we were not the best smelling group.  A bunch of depressed people in tactical gear under constant stress?  The air was thick with the stench of flop sweat.  The air fresheners could have helped.”

“Finish your food and tell me the origin story of the New Avengers.”

“We were the Thunderbolts…”

“After President Ross?”

“No, it was unrelated but… Dammit.  New Car Smell Avengers is sounding better and better.”

Sam does his best to keep a straight face as Bucky talks about his frustration with politics.  Sam had expressed his concern that Bucky might find congress ‘tedious’, but Bucky had enjoyed being a city councilman.  At the city level, he could sometimes get things accomplished and feel good about helping people.  As a congressman, there were no little tasks he could really accomplish on his own.  It was all an endless slog and there were so, so, so many fucking boring lunches.

“I wonder if there will be months of impeachment hearings to remove me,” Bucky jokes, trying to swallow down the very real shame creeping up through his body.  All that effort to convince people he wasn’t the Winter Soldier any more, just so he could run back to playing the Winter Soldier.

“Anyone who didn't expect to eventually see Congressman Barnes dressed in leather on a motorcycle - flipping trucks and looking badass - clearly didn't research their candidates,” argues Sam.  

Sam is mostly quiet as Bucky tells the strange story of the Thunderbolts and Bob, but he can’t resist jumping in once in a while. 

“So you can do something about it now, or you can live with it forever? That's good, Buck.  I’m stealing that one.  Sorry.  Continue,” Sam says, putting his hands over his mouth.  

Sam asks a few clarifying questions, and Bucky can feel his neck get hot every time the question is about Bucky’s safety and well-being.  Sam is always thoughtful about Bucky’s well-being, that was true before they were even friends, but the way Sam seems to be sizing up the team based on how they took care of Bucky has his stomach in knots.  Bucky’s not sure why it feels like a big deal, but it feels like a big deal.  

When Bucky describes the way Bob as The Sentry nearly crushed his vibranium arm, Sam gives his left hand a squeeze.

“I was unconscious for whatever happened after that.  I woke up hanging over Alexei’s shoulder and Ava was carrying my arm…”

Bucky isn’t sure why he feels so emotional remembering it all.  It had been embarrassing at the time to realize they had all seen him broken and useless, but - looking back - it feels good to know that they had taken care of him.  

Bucky looks at Sam, who is looking all soft and caring, and he plows ahead.  It’s hard to talk about the Void with Sam only inches away from him on the battered hotel couch, looking so thoughtful - knowing he is picking up on little details Bucky doesn’t even realize he’s sharing.  He glosses over the specifics of what he saw in the Void.  Sam is already looking a little shut down.  It makes Bucky nervous that Sam isn’t projecting his usual active listening face.  He keeps talking until he finally gets to the end.

“So we were going to… talk to Valentina,” Bucky explains, ignoring Sam’s raised eyebrows and knowing look, “and then we were on camera and she was calling us the New Avengers.  Then she was whisked away and I saw that you had texted…”

And then Bucky’s new team started telling him to shove a couple fingers up Sam’s ass while begging for forgiveness.  Probably best to skip that part of the story.

Sam is staring straight ahead, deep in thought.

“What was she trying to accomplish?” Sam muses.  “What does she think she has over all of you that this would work?”

Bucky can’t look at Sam any more, so he stares at his own hands. 

“Alexei and John are desperate to be back in the spotlight and feel like heroes again, Yelena needs some kind of purpose, Ava wants agency over her life and to be seen…”

“You think they might actually be on board with the New Avenger idea?” Sam asks, looking incredulous.  

Bucky feels like he’d be better able to have this particular conversation if he stepped outside and screamed for about five minutes, but he probably needs to start wrapping things up so Sam can get to sleep.

“They really want… not to work for Val obviously, but to be… You know.”

Sam has his head tilted and a question on his face.

“Heroes?” he asks.

Bucky closes his eyes.  He can’t handle Sam’s face in this moment.

“They want to do good.  They want to feel good about themselves.  They don’t know what it means to be someone like you.”

“Like me?  Branded and sponsored with merchandising rights?  

“An actual hero.”

Bucky can feel the intensity of Sam’s stare, but he can’t look at him.  

“You guys saved the world, right?” Sam says in a gently teasing tone.  “It’s not like it’s a crazy idea. Putting Val in prison would be another pretty big step in the hero direction.”

“I don’t think it works like that.”

There’s an uncomfortable silence.  Bucky dares to glance at Sam’s face.  Sam is staring straight ahead, his face devoid of any expression.  When Sam finally speaks, he asks, “And what does Val have on you?  What would make you go along with this little plan?  Even if just for a little while?”

Bucky immediately thinks of Bob, the human guinea pig turned god.  He’ll need to be protected.

And Mel.  Her best case scenario is prison, but that’s better than whatever Val will end up doing to her.  His sympathy is limited, but he can’t be indifferent to her fate when he coaxed her into crossing Val.

And Ava.  Val will want Ava’s power but not her fierce independence and rebellious heart.  Val will either try to break her down or put her back in a lab.  

And Yelena.  She has such a good heart and so much potential to do good, but she needs guidance and support.  They all do. He can’t stand by and let Ava, Yelena and Bob be exploited and dehumanized again.  He can’t let John and Alexei be manipulated by their desperate need to be seen as heroes into becoming weaponized against real heroes like Sam.  They are all so lost and needy and vulnerable to the machinations of a person like Val.  It might not be Bucky’s responsibility to shepherd them in the right direction, but it will be on his conscience if they are ultimately pulled into the darkness when they are trying to move towards the light.  

“Fuck,” Bucky curses.  “All of them.  She can hold all of them over my head.  They think they’ll be able to work things in their favor…  They won’t.”

Sam frowns.  “Has Val reached out to you, yet?”

Bucky looks at his phone and is horrified to see a whole text chain of unfamiliar numbers.  Only Walker is actually a contact in Bucky’s phone.

Bucky taps the group text, just to see if they are discussing Val.  They are not.

John Walker:  Added Bucky’s number to the chat.  

: If this is actually his number, then I apologize for calling you a lying sack of shit.

That’s probably Ava.

: Bucky?  Is this you?  Is your boyfriend still mad?

Bob.

: You took a shower before going to see him, yes?  Not to be rude but you were smelling like gym socks and shame when you left.

Yelena.

: Should we be worried he isn’t answering?  I’m worried.  Should I be?

Definitely Bob.

: They are powerful men.  They make powerful love.  No need to be afraid.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Chapter Text

Bucky quickly pulls the phone to his chest and takes a deep breath, trying to slow down his racing heartbeat.  

He glances at Sam, scanning his face for any sign that he knows.   

Sam looks a little hurt.

“I wasn’t going to read your messages,” Sam says with a smile, but his light-hearted tone sounds forced.  “I’m not trying to overstep here.”

“No, it’s not…  They’re just being crazy.  They’re all out-of-practice with having friends… or maybe some of them never really had friends…  They think…  They mean well.”

“I’m not going to judge your new friends, Bucky,” Sam teases, nudging Bucky with his elbow.  “I helped Walker move when Olivia kicked him out, and that guy tried to murder me.  It’s not like I can’t handle a degree of eccentricity.  What’s happening here?”

“Nothing,” Bucky snaps, wincing at the harsh tone in his voice.  This is how fights happen. He continues in a calmer tone.  “It’s just a misunderstanding.  I’ll clear it up.”

Sam looks unhappy at that.  “Why are you being so evasive?  I don’t like this. We don’t let things get in between us, Bucky. Nothing. Right?”

Sam says it like they are reestablishing a solemn oath, a verbal commitment.  Maybe they are.  

“Nothing gets between us,” Bucky echoes, but he looks down as he says it.  He's supposed to look Sam in the eyes for this part.  

“There is clearly something getting between us right now.  There is not enough room on this lumpy little couch for whatever is trying to squeeze in between us.”

“I promise it’s nothing.  I’m just… raw.  It’s been a lot.”

“You know you can tell me anything, or you can tell me nothing.  I’m not going to push and I’m not going to judge.”  

Sam always gives him some variation of that theme.  He's good at being a friend and partner.  He always remembers the important things.  He remembers which things are actually important.

Bucky wants to say something reassuring, but his stomach is in knots and his brain is spinning.  He feels so aware of Sam's gaze and he knows he must look crazed.  If Sam were to read Alexei’s message, he would laugh and it would be fine, but Bucky would die of shame.  It shouldn't be such a big deal, but Bucky just re-visited some of his most painful memories and he feels filthy down to the bone.  

“Maybe I can help,” Sam offers in that very calm and gentle tone that Sam uses to talk someone off the ledge.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Bucky assures him in a surprisingly calm voice.  He can do this.  He even dares a moment of eye contact.  “They’re all… we’re all a little fragile right now, and anything you say will hit about a hundred times harder than you think it will.”

Sam looks thoughtful for a moment.  “I can imagine how things might get a little messy while you’re trying to figure this out…”

“Figure what out?” Bucky asks, feeling panicky.  His brain keeps playing the sound of Alexei telling him to ‘stimulate the prostate’ and the look in Walker’s eyes as he told Bucky to beg.  

“How to close the net on Val.  I can’t pretend to be okay with a government controlled ‘New Avengers’ and it would be suspicious if I didn’t immediately push back…”

“Sam.”

“But I can release an official statement thanking the team for their good work and wait until we have a better idea of what Val is trying to accomplish before we plan our next move…”

“Sam!”

But Sam is in his head, clearly thinking hard.  “Is she trying to turn us against each other?  Or make the public think there’s a wedge between us?  You’re sure she hasn’t reached out to anyone yet?”

Bucky dares to look at his phone again.  There’s a text from Sarah Wilson.

Sarah Wilson: That statement was taken way out of context.  I would never throw you under the bus like that.

That can’t be good. 

There’s also a text from Cass.

Cass Wilson:  Mom definitely didn’t say that.

Not good at all.

“Just out of curiosity…?” Bucky aims for a casual tone, but Sam is immediately on high alert.  “Have you heard from your sister?’

Sam grabs for his phone and Bucky uses the moment of distraction to look at the group text.  He knows Sam will respect his privacy, but Sam is accustomed to quickly scanning his surroundings.  Even if he isn't trying to read Bucky's messages, the text chain is likely full of the kind of words that will catch  Sam’s eye.  

“Fuck,” he curses out loud, drawing Sam’s attention.  Bucky carefully keeps the back of his phone to Sam as he frantically types.

: DO NOT COME HERE!

“Have they heard from Val?” Sam asks, barely looking up from his own phone.

Bucky doesn’t answer, because he has no idea if Val has contacted anyone on the team.  All he knows for sure is they know where he is (because of course Yelena got the address and room number while appearing to barely glance at his screen) and they are coming to the hotel to check on him.  

: I’m talking to Sam right now.  Everything is fine.

Bob: I am so relieved! I’ve been worried sick about you.  I forgot how many feelings you have when you’re sober.  

John Walker:  God I miss getting drunk.  I can't even get a buzz since the serum.  Just sober fucking thoughts all day and night. 

Ava:  Ask Sam if this Armenian place is any good.  I could murder a kebab right now. 

: You're already here???

Ava:  We're down the road.  By the Armenian place. Obviously. 

:  The Armenian place is amazing.  Get some food and get out of here.

Bucky looks up at Sam who is shaking his head as he stares at his own phone.

:  Actually, get me some gata and then get out of here.  Leave it outside the room.  

Yelena:  We are staying at the same hotel, but don't worry.  We told the manager we are the New Avengers and they gave us the very best room - ground floor right next to the ice machine and the pool that is closed because of flesh eating bacteria.  

Ava: Both in terms of geographic location and quality, our room is as far from Sam’s as it could possibly be.  

Bucky lets out an audible groan, but quickly assures Sam that all is well.  Sam goes back to furiously typing on his own phone.

:  Why are you staying at this hotel?

Ava:  Did you not hear there was a situation in NYC today?  An all-powerful being was holding the city hostage until our sexy asses saved the day. No one can get a hotel room or a flight out of the city.  

Yelena:  Dad says we are triumphant heroes and cannot sleep in the street like we are nobodies.  We must share two queen beds and a rollaway cot in Jersey City like real VIPs.

Bob:  And they have a free continental breakfast and a waffle maker.

:  Have the five of you been together this whole time?

Bob:  Yeah!  It’s been super fun.  People keep thanking us.  We’ve gotten like $300 in tips already.  That’s how we can afford the hotel.

:  Why have you been having all these conversations by text if you’re together?

Bob:  We didn’t want to leave you out.

Ava:  Are you sure you just want the gata?  These kebabs smell amazing.

:  Sam ordered food for us earlier, but he forgot to order the gata.  He loves the gata there.

Bucky hesitates for a moment before sending the message.  There is no reason to share that piece of information except for the fact he wants to share it.  He wants someone to know that Sam thoughtfully ordered everything Bucky wanted, but forgot to get a treat for himself, because that’s Sam.  If they understand how Sam sometimes forgets to look out for himself as he looks out for the rest of the world, they will be more likely to understand why Bucky is so intense about protecting their relationship.  Sam has everyone's back and Bucky has Sam’s.  

Bucky hits send.

John Walker:  There are lots of stores around if you want us to drop off any other supplies outside the room. If you catch my drift.

Alexei:  There is a sex emporium here with all manner of items for pleasure and arousal.

John Walker:  Thanks for maintaining the subtle vibe, Alexei.

Alexei:  The sign says they have many vibes for sale to use alone or with your partner.   

Yelena:  We are going to grab food and then we will bring Captain America gifts of gata and vibrators.  This feels like a very American moment.  I feel like a Yankee Doodle Dandy.

: I wish I could be sure that this went without saying, but please do not bring any sex toys. Sam is my friend and I would like to keep it that way.

Ava:  If someone stops being your friend because you brought him a glittery red, white and blue vibrating waterproof dildo with 12 settings, was he ever really your friend?

: That sounds very specific.  Please do not buy it.   

Ava helpfully includes a photo of the “Captain Orgasm” sex toy display.  Bucky immediately deletes the picture, but he has to smile.  He always enjoys seeing people appreciate Sam’s many qualities, and it’s clear that the person who designed the packaging for the patriotic sex toy has a real appreciation for Sam Wilson.

Bucky looks at Sam, who is again shaking his head and looking annoyed.

“What’s wrong, Sam?”

Sam holds up his phone, showing him an article with the headline“Captain America’s Sister ‘Unsurprised’ by Congressman Barnes’s ‘Shenanigans’.”

Bucky is relieved to see it is a fairly mild headline, but Sarah never talks to the press.  If someone got any kind of quote from her, it was through deception.  He shakes his head and sends a quick message to Sarah apologizing for pulling her into his mess and assuring her he would never be offended by her calling out his shenanigans. 

Sarah wants nothing more than a quiet life.  Even if she hated Bucky, she wouldn’t take it to the press.  If the press hadn’t started posting photos of Sarah and Bucky with headlines implying a secret romance, Bucky would probably be living in Delacroix full time by now.  He was happier there.  He was healthier there.     

“Sarah said a customer asked her about the New Avengers and she said she doesn’t pay attention to superhero shenanigans, she only cares that I come home safe,” Sam earnestly explains, like Bucky would ever question Sarah’s sincerity. 

“If Sarah called me a fucking clown on the 6 o’clock news, I would publicly acknowledge that she has a valid point, and thank her for the feedback.” 

Sam smiles at that.  “If she hasn’t said it about me, yet, she’s probably not going to say it about you.”

“I’m sorry she got pulled into more of my bullshit.”

Sam frowns again.  “This is all too high profile.  You’re going to have to shut it down quickly.”

“Shut what down?”

“The New Avengers.”

“There aren’t going to be any New Avengers,” Bucky says, feeling like maybe he’s losing his mind.  

“It’s already happening,” Sam reminds him, holding up another article with the clear but concise title, “Huh?” featuring a picture of Bucky and the team with Val.  

“Val is probably trying to get off-grid right now…”

“You think Val is just going to give up?  She tried to create an actual Superman, killing a bunch of people in the process, and you think she’s ready to throw in the towel and live a quiet life?”

“She thought she’d be able to manipulate Bob to control him, but she couldn’t.  Her plan doesn’t work if she can’t control her creation.”

Sam tilts his head and gives Bucky a dry look.  “So you think she’d never heard of Frankenstein when she started this project?  Things went sideways this time, but she’s not going to give up on the idea of a superhero that she can use against all the rest of us.  She’s not going to let Bob just live his life when he might be the key to having nearly unlimited power.  Have you checked with the others?  No one has heard from Val?”

Bucky feels his cheeks getting hot as he realizes he hasn’t actually asked.  He was sidetracked by dessert and star spangled sex toys.  

He quickly types the question while Sam laughs.

“You haven’t asked?” Sam teases.  “What have you guys been talking about?”

Bucky double checks to make sure his phone is not viewable from where Sam is sitting.

“Seriously, what is going on?” Sam asks.  “Why do you think I’m going to spy on your messages?”

“I don’t think..”

“The last time I saw someone being that protective of their phone was when A.J. discovered manga.  I’m not going to try and put parental controls on your phone, Buck.”

Bucky winces at the joke.  That was another reason Bucky started spending less time in Delacroix.  Sarah’s sons started to move from being little kids to teenagers and they started being careful about how they described Bucky’s place in their lives and in their family.  If one of Sam’s nephews ever needs a kidney, Bucky will happily pull out one of his own and hand it over, but the kids are too smart and too kind-hearted for their own good.  They way they make a point to never make Bucky feel bad or left out is lovely and occasionally feels like a dagger in his heart.  Sometimes he feels so profoundly unworthy of their compassion and care.  It’s only a matter of time until they start digging a little deeper into his history and start to understand exactly who it is that has been spending every holiday in their home.  The thought fills him with dread.  

Sam is still waiting for an answer.

“They’re… saying a lot of things.  Dumb things.  It doesn’t mean anything,” Bucky explains, hating how lame it sounds even to his own ears.  

“Is there something I can do or say that will make this better?” Sam offers.  “If they’re talking shit about me because they think I’m shit-talking them, maybe I can ease the tension.”

Bucky blinks for a moment before understanding how badly Sam is misreading the situation.  It isn’t like Sam to be so off-base.   

“They aren’t… why would they be talking shit about you?  You are exactly what they want to be.”

Sam shrugs, looking very neutral, and says, “Someone wanting what I have is definitely a top five reason that people talk shit about me.  This isn’t my first day on the job, Buck.  I’m not delicate.  You don’t have to shield me from whatever is going on with your new crew.”

“It’s nothing like that, Sam,” Bucky assures his partner, wishing he had a way to push those thoughts right out of Sam’s head.  “No one has said a negative word about you.  You’re a big hero who is respected and loved.  They think if they could have that…”

“If they could have that?”

“They don’t know how hard it is for you.  They are imagining people looking up to them and valuing them.  They aren’t thinking about how when people start to admire you, they also start trying to knock you down and bring you back to their level.”

“They are probably going to start learning that lesson pretty quick,” Sam says in a gentle tone, his face still oddly neutral.  Bucky can tell there’s a whole other layer of conversation happening in Sam’s head, but Sam will never admit it.  “The press isn’t exactly being kind.”

Bucky snorts at that.   “That's probably for the best.  Being losers is the glue holding us together right now.”

“I can't imagine anyone calling you a loser.”

“None of those headlines mentions the ‘New Avengers’ having three failed efforts at a Captain America-type?”

Sam immediately looks unhappy, so Bucky takes that as a big yes.  Bucky has a lot of flaws, but he has no delusions about himself.  There’s nothing a person is going to say about Bucky that he hasn’t already screamed at himself in the mirror.

Sam puts his hand on Bucky's thigh (causing Bucky to lose a few IQ points as the blood rushes away from his brain) and says, “You’re a hero, Bucky.  That may not be how you see yourself, but that's how I see you and I am pretty sure your new team would agree.”

Bucky wants to push the words away, but he doesn't want to lose the moment of intimacy with Sam, so he lets the words hang in the air.  

But the kind words are soon replaced by the sound of Alexei's voice bellowing down the hall.

“Because he is Captain America!  Soon we will be on top floor!  Far from the ice machine and the flesh eating bacteria.”

Bucky puts his hand on Sam's and looks him in the eyes, pleading, “Please stay right here.”

And then he runs for the door.

Chapter Text

Bucky closes the door behind him and looks down the hall at the team walking towards him.  They are walking far too close together, looking crowded despite the abundance of room in the hallway.  He quickly shoos them backwards,  holding a finger to his lips to shut them up.  He wrangles them into the stairwell before speaking to them.

“We brought your gata,” Yelena says, holding out a cardboard pastry box, “and nothing else.”

Bucky offers his thanks as he takes the surprisingly heavy box.      

Ava shrugs, “We weren’t sure how much to get with you having the serum and Sam being all jacked and… we weren’t sure how many calories you two were going to be expending tonight…”

“It’s not like that,” Bucky snaps.

“But why not?” Walker asks, looking genuinely confused.  “The two of you are up each other’s butts in every other way.”

“Have some respect!” Alexei bellows.  “Bucky is not some toy to be used and thrown away.  He wants a commitment!”                          

‘What Bucky wants is for all of you to go to your room and stay there,” Bucky hisses.  “And stop being so loud!”

“I’m starting to think I should have gotten you that sex toy,” Ava sighs.  “We were all hoping you’d be a little less grumpy by now.”

“Go!”

Bucky feels a moment of regret as the team starts sadly making their way down the stairs, still so close they are nearly tripping over one another, but looking deflated.  It isn’t their fault Bucky is on edge. He’s trying to think of something to say to ease the tension when Yelena suddenly stops, nearly sending them all tumbling down the stairs, and looks up at Bucky.

“Did Sam say anything?” she asks.  “You know.  About us?”

“Yeah.  He said we saved the world and it was heroic and all that,” Bucky answers.  He feels uncomfortable saying it, but the team deserves to know Captain America thinks they did a good job.  Bucky’s shame issues are his own, there’s no reason the rest of the team can’t celebrate their victory with pride.

Alexei is ready to speak (or more likely yell), but Walker slaps a hand over his mouth and starts hustling him down the stairs saying, “Let’s not ruin the moment.”

“Tell Sam we hope enjoys the gata and that he’s really cool,” Bob calls over his shoulder as he follows his teammates down the stairs. “I just watched a buttload of Sam Wilson videos and I am pumped!  I am ready to get out there and… do something.  I'm not sure what, but I’ll figure it out.”

Ava adds, “Tell Sam that if he gets tired of you being a moody bitch, he can call me.”

“So you don't think you're a moody bitch?” Walker asks.

“I know I am,” Ava responds with an air of confidence.  “So I am definitely Sam’s type.”

Yelena hangs back for a moment and says, “Sam is a good catch.  Very handsome, strong, brave, compassionate.”

Bucky smiles and nods, “Yeah, he is.”

“You are those things as well,” she continues.  “Don’t forget that.”

Bucky is locked out of Sam’s room and has to knock.  Sam looks at the box in his hand and laughs.  

“You’ve got your team doing food delivery for you already?  You’ve let the power go to your head.”

Bucky shoves the box at Sam, feeling on-edge and exposed.  “They were at the Armenian place already so…”

Sam shoots him a quizzical look.  “What did you have them get?  This is way too heavy to be dessert… I take it back.  This is… a lot of gata.”

Sam glances up at Bucky for a moment and then back down to the gata.  He looks almost shy, which is odd for Sam.  Bucky suddenly feels self-conscious.  

“I don’t know why they thought you would need that much dessert.  They were trying to be helpful.”

“Tell them thank you for me.  This is…”

“Excessive?”

“It’s sweet.  And excessive.  It’s both.”

Sam looks at Bucky and then back at the dessert again. “This is really… Thanks.  I appreciate it.”

Bucky wants to make a joke to break the tension, but he can’t stop staring at Sam.  He watches Sam take a bite of pastry and tries to look very normal and unaffected when Sam lets out an obscene moan.  

“I rescind my concerns, Bucky.  This is actually the perfect amount of sweetness.  Thank you.”

After Sam has his fill of dessert, he starts asking more questions.  Especially about the Void.

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but…  What was it like?  In a practical sense.  Was it like a memory or a dream?  I can’t quite picture it.”

Bucky’s stomach twists just thinking about it.  He can hear Steve’s voice asking, “Were you fucking worth it?”

Not Steve’s voice.  The Void.  Just another trick of the Void.

“It was like stepping into a memory as an observer.  I could see myself in the memory the same way I could see Bob when I was in one of his… shame rooms is what we’ve been calling them.  It seems very real, but if you try to interfere, things get worse and if you try to get away, you eventually hit a literal wall, like they’re actual rooms.”

“And the memories in the room,” Sam asks, his eyes boring into the side of Bucky’s face as Bucky refuses to meet his eyes, “Were they your most shameful memories or were they shameful memories that were of some other kind of significance or…”

“I think I saw more than most of the team, because I kept storming straight through once I got the hang of what was happening.  I didn’t see much rhyme or reason.  There were rooms that… were really…hard.  But other rooms were things I barely remembered.  There was a room for when I was a little kid and pushed Steve into a puddle to make some girls laugh.  I remember it was the first time I felt like a bad person.  It’s probably the first time I felt shame because I wanted to be a good person and not just because I was worried about getting in trouble or going to hell.  I guess it was a foundational shame moment, but not something I would have expected to be there.  I didn't feel much of anything other than nostalgia.  Spoiler alert, but Steve and I ended up being pretty good friends.”

“The two of you went on to have a super normal relationship,” Sam deadpans, like he has any room to talk.

“There was a room of me beating Steve senseless in the helicarrier…”

Were you fucking worth it?

Sam puts his hand on Bucky’s leg.  Bucky continues.  

“It was one of the first rooms, so I didn't know how to keep moving and it kept happening and happening and I tried to stop the Soldier and then ‘Steve’ attacked me…”

Were you fucking worth it?   

Sam squeezes his leg.  

If it weren't for you, he’d still be here.   Words said by the Void in Sam's voice.  Sam never said that.  At least not to Bucky.  

“Attacked you?” Sam prompts when Bucky fails to continue.

“Um, yeah.  He physically attacked me and he was saying a whole bunch of shit Steve wouldn’t say and then it went back to repeating the memory.”

“What kind of things was Steve saying?” Sam asks before checking himself, “I’m not asking for direct quotes or anything.  What kind of things was he saying?”

Bucky rolls his neck and shoulders, trying to ease the tension that’s been building since they started discussing the Void.

“It was just my bullshit coming out of Steve’s mouth.  Even in the moment, I knew Steve wouldn’t talk like that even if…  But it was pretty realistic.”

“That sounds fucking awful,” Sam says.  

Bucky dares to look at Sam and finds him staring straight ahead with a look of horror, like he’s in a shame room himself.  

“Yeah,” Bucky agrees because… yeah.

Sam suddenly shakes his head, like he is pulling himself out of a daze.  

“I’m sorry.  That was a terrible response.  ‘That sounds fucking awful?’  That was not very supportive. I can do better than that. Let me have a do-over on that reaction,” Sam says, taking Bucky’s left hand in both of his and staring Bucky in the eyes.  Sam gives Bucky that soft and caring counselor look and says in his most mellifluous tone, “I am sorry you had to experience that, Bucky.  That sounds fucking awful.”

Bucky has to laugh, because Sam is ridiculous and the Void was fucking awful.  

And now he’s gone and all that is left for me are the burdens he left behind.

The real Sam laughs with him, but there’s something off.  Sam’s being charming, but there’s a disconnect happening.

“I really am sorry you had to go through that, but it sounds like you handled like a champ.  I’m glad the others had you there.  I’m guessing most of them aren’t as far along in their healing process,” Sam adds, looking concerned and compassionate, but something is off.

“Not everyone can be a model of good mental health like me,” Bucky agrees.  Sam doesn’t roll his eyes or give Bucky a chastising look.  He just stares ahead, clearly only half present in the conversation.  “What’s eating you, Sam?”

Sam looks surprised, which gives Bucky a feeling of satisfaction.  

“Nothing,” Sam lies, giving Bucky a warm smile.  “I’ve just been thinking about what it would be like.  It’s hard enough to think about.  I can’t imagine what it was like living it.”

“It wasn’t that bad with memories that I’ve already worked on,” Bucky explains, hating the distant look in Sam’s eyes.  He doesn’t want Sam imagining terrible things.  “It wasn’t fun, but I could look at scenes like the ones with Steve and remember that things worked out and feel good that I’m not still back there.  I’m sure you’d have been okay.  It’s not like you were ever out there murdering people.”

Sam raises his eyebrows at Bucky.  “You sure about that?”

“Whatever you’ve done in the line of duty…  You know there were reasons you had to make those choices.  You weren’t just killing people because someone told you to.”

Sam gives him a sad smile and repeats, “You sure about that?” 

Bucky feels anxiety building in his stomach.  The irrational desire to extract the ugly thoughts from Sam’s head is building and making Bucky feel feral.  If there is one good and decent place left on the planet, it’s Sam Wilson’s brain.  Sam’s brain is full of forgiveness and compassion - even for those who don’t deserve it, because Sam would rather live in a better world than see any particular person get their comeuppance.  Sam helped John Walker move when his wife kicked him out because it was safer for everyone.  When Walker was at his most fragile, Sam could have crushed the super soldier into the ground, but instead he offered hope and guidance.  Bucky knows it because he’s heard it from Walker himself.  The rest of the world was ready to laugh at Walker’s suffering after his fall from grace, but Sam did his best to neutralize the situation and to keep Walker from going off the deep end again.  Sam wants Walker’s kid to have a dad.  He wants Walker to get back to a better version of himself.

… and all that is left for me are the burdens he left behind.

Bucky takes a deep breath and tries to gather his thoughts.  He puts his hand on Sam’s leg, imitating Sam’s comforting touch earlier, and says, “I’m sure that if I walked through your shame rooms, I would see a good person making tough choices and doing the best he can.”

“But those aren’t the memories that make it to the shame rooms, are they?” Sam asks with a wry smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.  “It wouldn’t be rooms of me doing my best.  It would be the first person I shot in a panic.  It would be the kid I shot when my actual target ducked.  It would be the woman I dropped because a bullet grazed my arm.  I needed two stitches, but she’s dead because I had an ‘ouchie’ that barely left a scar but I couldn’t hold on…”

“You can’t compare accidents and self-defense to murder,” Bucky says, doing his best to emulate Sam’s I-have-confidence-to-spare-if-you-need-to-borrow-some tone that he uses when giving a pep talk.   

“How far are we extending the definition of self-defense?” Sam asks, seeming calm and collected.  “If I break into an enemy’s stronghold and kill four guards to rescue one target…”

Bucky puts his hand over Sam’s mouth.  Sam glares, but doesn’t try to resist.  He lets Bucky speak.

“I get that there’s a lot of gray area, but it has to matter that you were always trying to do something good.  You were a pararescue. Sometimes you had to do things that felt wrong to save lives.”

Sam tilts his head, looking thoughtful.  Bucky lets Sam pull his hand away from his mouth so he can speak.  

“Why are you so eager to absolve me of all my sins?  The weight of those mistakes and failures is part of who I am and a big part of why I keep trying to do better and be better, because I can’t bring anyone back…” Sam gets choked up for a moment, but then he presses on, sounding as calm and sure as ever, “...but I try to make sure it wasn’t all in vain.  There has to be a point to all that pain and loss.”

For the first time that night, Bucky wishes his teammates were in the room.  They would be loudly and vociferously letting Sam know that even the way he suffers shows that he is a good fucking person.  He drags those corpses behind him as he keeps moving towards being a better person instead of letting their weight pull him down into the abyss.  

Part of Bucky’s ‘healing process’ has been accepting that Bucky Barnes has a way higher body count than that of the Winter Soldier.  The Soldier was brought out for targeted assassinations.  Bucky Barnes was a sniper who shot people in the head, day in and day out.  That was his role and he was good at it.  Being a good sniper meant looking at the acne-covered face of some kid in his sites and then ending his life. Bucky had already surrendered so much of his humanity to being a good soldier that it must have been an easy enough task for HYDRA to wipe away what was left. The more he heals, the more he realizes how broken he was even before everything went to hell. 

Bucky presses his forehead to Sam’s, wishing he could put it all into words.  Sam tells himself he isn’t better than anyone else, but he really is.  He tries harder.  He gives more.  Bucky would give Sam everything if he had anything to give, but he has no wisdom or comfort to offer.  He doesn’t know how to make Sam feel better.

Sam doesn’t try to pull away.  In fact, he puts his hand on the back of Bucky’s neck.  The Sam from the Void keeps popping into Bucky’s head, glaring at him from where he is lying on the ground next to the bloody shield Bucky had just dropped on the ground beside him.

If it weren't for you, he’d still be here. And now he’s gone and all that is left for me are the burdens he left behind.

Bucky puts his hands on Sam’s cheeks, just wanting to feel that he is real, but Sam’s breath hitches.  Bucky keeps his hands on Sam, adjusting their faces until they are cheek-to-cheek.  Sam’s breathing a little faster, like maybe he’s excited.  He doesn't seem scared.  

Worse than the Void versions of Sam and Steve echoing their disdain in his head are the remembered words of his very real teammates. 

Beg.  Get on your knees and stay on your knees. 

You’re dating Captain America?

…if he gets tired of you being a moody bitch…

Very handsome, strong, brave, compassionate…

And remember to stimulate the prostate…

Bucky presses his lips against the side of Sam’s face, moving slowly so Sam can pull away.  

Sam doesn’t pull away.  

Bucky kisses Sam on the forehead and on the top of his head.  He waits for Sam to say something, to break the spell, but he seems as lost in the moment as Bucky.  

He doesn’t say a thing when Bucky gives him a gentle kiss on both eyelids, but the hand on the back of Bucky’s neck is trembling.  They have entered dangerous waters, but Sam isn’t retreating.  

Bucky has no idea how to make Sam feel better about the choices he’s had to make or his perceived failures.

But he knows how he can make Sam feel good.

Chapter Text

Sam is surprisingly complacent as Bucky kisses both of his cheeks.  Bucky is moving slowly, trying to savor the moment but also to make it easy for Sam to put a stop to it all.  He would love to spend the night making sure Sam doesn’t have time to think, much less ruminate over past failures, but not at the cost of losing their friendship.  Bucky has accepted that there will be less and less space for him in Sam’s life as time goes by.  The boys are growing up and they are going to start looking at Bucky differently.  They aren’t going to want to explain his presence at the house to their friends.  Sarah is eventually going to settle down with someone who probably won’t love having any random man crashing on the couch, much less the Winter Soldier.  Sam will end up leading a full team of Avengers who don’t feel compelled to ham-string themselves out of shame and fear.  Bucky thought backing out of Sam’s life gracefully and on his own terms would be less painful than waiting to be left behind again, but it really isn’t.  

Bucky wants to hang on to Sam for as long as he can, and maybe this can be a part of it.  His teammates all seem to think it is normal and reasonable for Sam to have an affair with Bucky.  Walker has spent time with Sam, he’s spent time with Sam and Bucky together, and he thinks it could happen.

The two of you are up each other’s butts in every other way.

Alexei is crazy, but he looks at Sam and Bucky and sees two powerful men who could make powerful love.  Bob laughed at the idea of Walker being Captain America, but found the idea of Bucky dating Captain America to be believable.  Yelena…  Bucky can’t think about what she said.  Ava probably thinks Bucky is punching above his weight, because he is, but she still thinks Sam might want to burn off those gata calories with Bucky. 

He kisses his way along Sam’s jaw line, running his hand over Sam’s chest. When Sam murmurs, “Bucky,” he starts sucking on Sam’s neck and gets a little more aggressive with his fondling.  He really doesn’t want to have a ‘talk’ about this.  Nothing good can come of Sam getting his brain involved in their activities, because there is no algorithm that will lead to Sam thinking this is a good idea.  

The distraction works briefly, but then Sam has his hands in Bucky’s hair and is trying to maneuver him into making eye contact.

… and all that is left for me are the burdens he left behind.

“I just want to make you feel good, Sam,” Bucky whispers into his partner’s ear, “Just let me take care of you for a bit.”

Surprisingly, Sam doesn’t argue.  Instead, he pulls Bucky in for a kiss.  

It’s too much.  Bucky knew it would be too much, and he was right.  He quickly goes from a somewhat calculated effort to get Sam feeling relaxed and on-board with a little friendly intimacy to straddling Sam’s lap and trying to get as physically close as humanly possible.  He’s grinding his hips into Sam and growling while trying to get Sam out of his tee-shirt without having to end the kiss.  He’s considering the pros and cons of just ripping the shirt when Sam suggests moving from this ‘lumpy-ass couch’ to the bed.  

Bucky hops to his feet and scoops Sam up in a bridal carry, prompting his partner to give one of those warm chuckles that he’s come to crave.   

“You are really showing off tonight, aren’t you?” Sam teases.  “Saving the world, getting me five pounds of sugar for dessert, throwing me around like… oh shit!”

Sam braces for the impact, but he lands perfectly in the center of the bed when Bucky tosses him and he laughs instead of griping about Bucky using his strength on him.  Sam usually needs to be nearly incapacitated before he’ll let Bucky carry him, despite the fact Sam frequently carries Bucky while flying.  

Bucky gets back on top of Sam and gets him out of his shirt before he starts kissing his way down Sam’s chest.  He flinches when Sam puts his hand on the back of Bucky's head.  He tries to pretend it didn’t happen, but Sam is saying his name in that ‘we need to talk’ tone.

“I’m fine, it’s been a long day,” Bucky says between planting kisses all over Sam’s stomach.  He tries not to look at Sam, but he can’t ignore the weight of Sam’s gaze.  It’s ridiculous how much power Sam can wield over Bucky with just a look.  

He dares to meet Sam’s eyes and finds his partner is looking concerned, but not ‘everyone out of the pool’ concerned.  Sam’s lips are swollen and his eyes darkened with desire, and his breathing is ragged.  He looks so beautiful and fuckable and if Bucky can just keep him from talking…

“I know you don’t want me to start talking,” Sam begins, “but I need to be sure this is the inevitable culmination of years of increasing intimacy and not…”

Bucky probably doesn’t want to hear the end of the sentence, but he looks Sam in the eye and waits.

“And not just you trying to make me happy.”

Bucky kisses Sam’s belly again and wonders if he could stall for time by tugging down Sam’s soft lounge pants.  The material is thin enough that Bucky can see exactly how much Sam is enjoying their activities.  In fact, Bucky could probably get Sam off by mouthing him through the material.  

“I’ve been thinking about this for a long time,” Bucky says, because it’s true.

Sam doesn’t look satisfied with that answer, but instead of getting annoyed or giving Bucky a lecture, he pulls Bucky up for a kiss.  Sam is such a good kisser.  His lips are soft and he kisses with the same passion he puts into everything he does.  Bucky melts into the kiss and lets himself be rolled onto his back.  Sam kisses Bucky’s neck and starts unbuttoning his shirt.  While Sam is dressed for comfort, Bucky wore a button down and a blazer for Sam like it was a date, because he wants Sam to see him as a Normal Functioning Adult, as a guy who could be his partner.  

“You look good,” Sam murmurs between kisses. Bucky could lie there for ever, letting Sam treat him right and shower him with praise.  Sam is so good at making people feel good.

But this is supposed to be about making Sam feel good.  Bucky’s time in the shame rooms was a natural part of his Jacob Marley-like chain of suffering.  It’s Sam that needs to be distracted from his pain.  

Sam protests being pushed onto his back (before getting Bucky's shirt even half unbuttoned) but only for a moment.  Once Bucky starts stroking Sam’s cock through his clothes, the argument is over - at least for the moment.  Bucky takes his time kissing his way down Sam’s chest once again, this time following through with his impulse to mouth Sam through the thin material.  He can taste where Sam is leaking through the thin, soft cotton.  Bucky finishes stripping his partner and takes a moment to admire him.  It’s ridiculous that Sam is so attractive.  He’s already everything Bucky could want in a partner - passionate, thoughtful, bright, brave, quick-witted, generous - and all those qualities come wrapped in such a lovely package.

And what a lovely package it is.  Bucky nuzzles the inside of Sam’s thigh and appreciates the way Sam’s cock twitches.  Even here, Sam’s prettier than most.  Everything about him is enticing and charming.  Bucky’s sexual experiences after HYDRA have been… uncomfortable.  He’s found himself feeling mildly disgusted by things that should be exciting, but it’s different with Sam.  Every scar, stretch mark and ingrown hair on Sam seems as lovely and appealing as his doe eyes and powerful build.  He loves every part of Sam.  

Bucky continues his exploration as Sam strokes his hair and mumbles barely coherent but clearly positive statements about Bucky’s mouth and skills. Sam might be lacking his normal way with words at the moment, but he is still communicating loud and clear.   He spreads Sam’s legs a little more and gives a few experimental licks over his hole to gauge Sam’s interest.  Bucky loses a few strands of hair as Sam’s grip tightens, but Bucky has his answer.  Sam is definitely on board with a little assplay. Bucky is tempted to spend a little more time eating Sam out, but he knows it’s only a matter of time before he’s trying to shove his tongue down Sam’s throat again, so it’s probably best to stick to fingering tonight.

Bucky does not think about Alexei or Walker.  He does not think about them or their efforts at giving helpful advice.  He does not picture John Walker wiggling two fingers while telling him to beg.  He does not wonder what kind of instructional videos Alexei was hoping Yelena would find with her phone.

Bucky teases Sam with gentle licks circling the head of his cock and brushing his hair over the sensitive skin, marvelling at the way Sam moves into each touch.  It’s better than his fantasies.  He has never allowed himself to imagine Sam being so present and responsive.  He’s never allowed himself to imagine something intimate and sweet with Sam.  Bucky has imagined himself offering Sam comfort or release or serving as a stand-in for a more worthy partner, but he has never imagined himself being wanted .

When Bucky finally takes Sam in his mouth, the hands tangled in his hair clamp down and try to hold him still.  Bucky feels a wave of fondness that feels innocent and pure and maybe a little out of place during a blowjob, but he loves knowing that Sam is already on the edge.  He loves having a little proof that Sam really is spending his nights alone despite an abundance of potential suitors.  Everybody loves Sam and they flock to him and they don’t even notice they’re being held at an arm’s length.   Sam will look you in the eye and make you feel so seen and so understood that you don’t notice the connection you are feeling only goes one way.

It's exciting to watch Sam struggle for control and the idea of making Sam come too soon has a certain appeal, but it would make Sam unhappy, so Bucky adjusts his approach. He finds a rhythm of sucking, stroking, squeezing and fingering that keeps Sam right on the edge until he’s shaking and pulling on Bucky’s hair way harder than he would if he was thinking straight.  When Sam starts whimpering, “Please,” over and over again, Bucky changes his rhythm again and soon Sam is coming down his throat with a choked sob that Bucky will be hearing in his head for the rest of his life.  

Sam is weakly tugging at Bucky, trying to pull him upwards, but he’s clearly exhausted.  Bucky is surprised to find his own limbs feel like jelly.  Physically, it shouldn’t have been strenuous enough to affect him, but there is no denying that Bucky is feeling deeply affected.

He hauls himself up to Sam and gives him a quick kiss on the lips.  Sam immediately pulls him back for a longer kiss and then puts his sweaty head on Bucky’s still clothed chest.

“Call your crew,” Sam says, his voice muffled by Bucky’s shirt, “tell them I need some protein bars and a gallon of Gatorade.”

“Don’t say things like that out loud,” Bucky warns.  “You don’t want them showing up at your door.”

“Why?  Afraid they’ll catch you in here?  Sleeping with the enemy?”

“They might show up with more gata and some sex toys.  I don't think they trust me to satisfy you,” Bucky says before realizing he's definitely said too much.  Sam tries to lift his head and look at Bucky's face, but he doesn't resist when Bucky guides Sam’s head back down to his chest.  Bucky is not ready for Sam's keen eyes and uncomfortable questions.  

“Is that why you didn't want me to see your phone?  Were they talking about… us?” Sam eventually asks.  

“They maybe picked up on me having… a thing for you,” is Bucky's not completely untrue response.  

Sam presses his lips to Bucky's chest.  Bucky is not sure what to make of the gesture.  He's not sure how Sam wants him to behave.  It seems like Sam is at ease with what's happening, but Sam is so good at handling an awkward situation, that you don't always know you're in an awkward situation until it's too late to fix things. Sam can be so sweet and kind as he gently shoves you outside and locks the door behind you.  

Sam eventually musters the energy to drink some gross but healthy hydration drink and eat a couple more gata.  It’s odd that he's not trying to talk about things, but Bucky tries not to read into it. Sam’s been a little off and in his head all evening.  Bucky holds Sam and pets him and tries not to waste a moment.  He’s surprised when Sam starts kissing him. Sam still seems pretty tired, but he pulls Bucky down on top of him, spreading his legs wide and making it pretty clear what he is offering.  He tries telling Sam they don’t have to do anything, that Sam can rest, but that was definitely the wrong thing to say.  Sam ends up straddling Bucky’s waist as he doggedly tries to unbutton Bucky’s shirt with trembling fingers.

“What did you do to me, Buck?” Sam asks with exaggerated annoyance.  “You literally wrecked me.  I can barely function.”

“Then maybe you need to lay back and let me take care of you.”

“Only if you get naked first.”

Bucky feels mildly self conscious as he strips.  It’s nothing Sam hasn’t seen before, but he’s still feeling shaken up by the Void.  He already feels so exposed.

But Sam is watching him with open admiration and a hint of a smile.  He’s looking at Bucky with lust, but there’s a sweetness that is almost painful to observe.  No one should look at Bucky with that much affection, certainly not Sam Wilson.

He tries to keep things simple with a little frottage, but Sam is feeling restored enough to be bossy and demanding and Bucky ends up inside of him.  It’s clearly been a while for Sam and it’s not easy to be slow and gentle when Bucky has been aching for Sam for years, but they really do work well together.  When Bucky gets uncertain, Sam gets more demanding.  When Sam seems unsure, Bucky finds it easy to be romantic and tender, even if it feels a little shameful to put on the boyfriend act.  Fucking Sam and getting him off is one thing, but making love to him is definitely Wrong.  

Not that he could ever explain that to Sam.  Sam doesn’t use people, not even if that person is more like a weapon in human form.  Bucky could be the answer to the commitment issues Sam will never admit to having.  He can be whatever Sam wants him to be, and never ask for more.  This is one area where Bucky is happy to let Sam have complete control, just as long as he gets to stay in Sam's life, seeing himself reflected in Sam's eyes.  Whatever it is that Sam sees when he looks at Bucky seems to be a helluva lot better than what Bucky sees when he looks in the mirror.  

Bucky wakes up the same way he usually does:  confused, disoriented and ready for a fight, but he is still tangled up in Sam’s arms.  Both Bucky and Sam tend to be fitful sleepers for the usual chronic PTSD reasons.  The fact that they both seem to have managed over eight hours of uninterrupted sleep seems awfully significant.  That is something he can put in his power point presentation arguing why Sam should continue sleeping with Bucky - they coregulate each other's nervous systems like fucking champs.  He’s always felt it with Sam, but especially when they are on missions.  They are always hyper aware of and attuned to one another.  Bucky is never calmer than when he is near Sam, and on the rare occasions that Sam gets noticeably rattled, Bucky can get him regulated just by standing near him.  Maybe it's because they are meant to be together. Maybe they are both just skilled at managing their sympathetic nervous systems.

On a mission, the way Bucky is perpetually tuned into Sam can be a blessing or a curse, but in the bedroom, it is an undeniable gift.  The hyper awareness bordering on a psychic connection was strong as they made love. 

Bucky checks the time.  The sad little continental breakfast will end soon.  He carefully pulls himself out of Sam’s arms so that his partner can continue sleeping.  He quickly freshens up in the bathroom before heading downstairs to grab some coffee and anything that looks reasonably edible.  This could be another page on the powerpoint.  He can be the kind of boyfriend-type partner that will happily get up early and get Sam coffee and breakfast.  Reliable orgasms, a good night’s sleep and coffee in the morning all from one deeply damaged ex-assassin that one supervillain recently described as ‘kind of cute’.

Were you fucking worth it?

… and all that is left for me are the burdens he left behind.

“Bucky!” cries a chorus of voices. 

Bucky has no right to be surprised.  The fact that he is speaks to how one night with Sam has turned his brain to mush.

The five of them are at the table nearest the waffle makers.  It is clear from the stacks of plates that they have been hitting the modest breakfast offerings hard.  They don’t look very well-rested, but they look clean.  He’d been too annoyed by their antics last night to really think about the five of them sharing a room and a shower.  Sam certainly would have offered the use of his shower if he’d known.  Bucky had been so worried about protecting his time with Sam that he hadn’t given a thought to them, but they’d trekked all the way to Jersey City just to check on Bucky.  They’d tried to include him in their nonsense.  Bucky feels a wave of fondness for the walking disasters currently monopolizing both waffle makers.  He should try harder.  He can try harder.

Bucky walks towards their table, surprised to feel a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.  Now that they aren’t posing an active threat to his relationship with Sam, he can enjoy their somewhat intrusive shared interest in his well-being and happiness.  

“Oh shit!” Walker yells.  “You were right, Ava.  Look at him smiling.”

He’s going to have to kill them all.

Ava stands up and applauds.  “Well done, fearless leader.”

“Don’t forget that we brought the gata,” Yelena says as she stands next to Ava and joins in the applause.  “That is probably what sealed the deal for you.”

Bob looks confused, but he also stands to clap.

“Bucky does not need desserts to please his man,” Alexei bellows, standing to give Bucky a forceful hug, “but a little sugar never hurts!”

“Oh!” Bob cries.  “I get it now!  Bucky’s suddenly way more relaxed and smiling and…  good for you, man.  Good for you.”

“You all need to stop this now,” Bucky says as quietly as he can while still sounding forceful, aware of the handful of other people in the room.  “Do not create a problem for Sam.  The last thing he needs is the press… Wait.  How did you guys manage to avoid the press? They were swarming all over the hotel.”

“The New Avengers do not avoid the press!” Alexei cries, clearly horrified by the idea of avoiding the spotlight.  “We are happy to address our faithful fans.”

“What fans?” Bucky snaps, feeling anxious again.  “What did you say?”

“We didn't say anything crazy,” Ava assures him, somewhat undermining her confident tone by immediately shooting a questioning look to Yelena who shrugs.

“We didn't say anything crazy by our standards,” Yelena explains.  “But maybe we aren't the best judges of what is crazy.”

“Yeah,” Walker wryly pipes in.  “Val needs to get us some media training ASAP.  There were some definite unforced errors out there.”

Bucky puts his face in his hands.  He doesn't know where to begin with that statement. He's already tired and that conversation hasn't even begun.

“Don't talk to anybody,” he orders.  “No one.  Don't talk to Val without me.  Just stay in your room…”

“We get kicked out at 11am,” Yelena points out.  

“I'll talk to the desk, see if we can keep you there another night.  I’ll pay for it,” Bucky adds when he sees his teammates starting to shift uncomfortably.  “We need to talk about our next steps, but right now, I need to get Sam a black coffee and some protein…”

“Yeah, you do!” Walker yells, leading them all to cheer for him again.  It's embarrassing and awful, but also kind of sweet.  Bucky wishes he could tell someone about his night with Sam.  He wants someone to know how good it was.  How Sam stared into his eyes and touched his face like Bucky was something precious.  How Sam fell asleep tangled up in his arms after.  How neither of them stirred with a nightmare or night terror or woke up in a panic at the sound of early morning city noises, because they were so warm and calm in each other’s arms.  He won’t be sharing any of that information with anyone any time soon, but it is nice to know that there is a group of people that would listen and cheer him on with an absurd amount of sincere enthusiasm.

Bucky is trying to think of something to say to ensure his teammates don’t do anything to embarrass Sam when Walker suddenly yells, “Sam!  Over here!”

Bucky glances back and sees his very confused looking partner standing at the entrance to the dining area.

Bucky’s brain can barely process all the ways this is Bad.  After a night of passion with Bucky, Sam woke up alone without so much as a note.  Bucky left his phone in the room, so he doesn’t even know if Sam tried to contact him.  When Sam went looking for Bucky, he found him whooping it up with his new teammates about how they assume Bucky rocked Sam’s world.  Bucky doesn’t so much as have a coffee in his hand to prove he was doing anything other than bragging to his new team about getting laid. 

…and all that is left for me… 

Were you fucking worth it?

Obviously not, Steve.  Obviously not.

Chapter Text

Bucky feels like a joke, and not a very good one at that.  He’s tried so hard to find a way forward and to be someone different, but he keeps falling flat on his face.  Unforced errors, indeed.  It will take more than media training to stop Bucky from getting in his own way.

He feels dejected and ready to give up, but he has learned the hard way that he can’t.  Life keeps happening whether you choose to engage or not.  You keep hurting people, you keep creating problems, and you keep suffering.  The only thing that really changes is that when you decide to try living again, you have an even bigger mess waiting for you than you had before.

Sam is walking towards them, looking friendly but scanning the area and on high alert.  Bucky feels the desire to pull into himself, maybe go into a fetal position on the floor, but he does his best to look normal.

He takes a deep breath and looks Sam in the eyes and tries to think of something, anything he can say that will make things better.  Sam is almost in speaking distance when Ava suddenly brushes past Bucky, walking towards Sam.

“O Captain, my Captain!” Ava cries as she hands Sam a coffee.  “Bucky says you take your coffee black, but if you like, I can get you some of the room temperature cream they have out. It's somehow both liquid AND flaky.”

Sam laughs, “Tempting, but I’ll pass for now.  Thank you, Ms. Starr.”

Ava looks flustered for a moment, but quickly recovers.  

“Ms. Starr is my divorced auntie… is what I imagine someone with a family would say,” Ava quips, “Ava’s fine.”

“Captain?” Bob yells a little too loudly.  “Do you want butter on your waffles?”

“Um, sure.  Thank you…?”

“Bob.  Robert, but you can call me Bob.  Or Robert.  I’m sorry.  You’re awesome and yesterday was really rough and we didn’t get much sleep last night.  Everyone was a little… on edge.”

Sam comes to stand right next to Bucky, their shoulders touching, but his attention is on Bob.  

“Bucky told me a bit of what you guys went through.  I’m sure you’re all exhausted.  Are you planning to stay here for a few days and recuperate before heading back to the real world?  Because that might be a good idea,” Sam suggests.  He's radiating calm and looks totally at ease, like they’ve all been friends for years.  Sam's good at that.  

“I just offered to get them a room for tonight,” Bucky pipes in, eager to prove he’s capable of doing something right.  

“Room?” Sam repeats, looking at the group.  “Were all of you in one room?  Was it a suite?”

“There is nothing sweet about that room,” Walker smirks.  “I shared a bed with Alexei.  Nothing sweet about that at all.”

“That’s a lot of people for one room,” Sam observes with his usual compassion.

“That’s a lot of weaponry for one room,” Bob adds, looking a little haunted by the memory.  

“That’s a lot of combat trauma and weaponry in one room,” Yelena adds, approaching Sam with a plate of fruit and yogurt on a tray. “It’s amazing we survived the night.  Here are the healthy foods that were available.  Dad is working on the proteins.”

“Natasha was a good friend of mine,” Sam says softly.  “It’s good to finally meet you.  Bucky speaks very highly of you.”

“He does?” is Yelena’s immediate response, but she quickly follows up with a more restrained, “Thank you. Everybody speaks highly of you.”

“Not everybody,” Sam demures.

Yelena smirks.  “True. Val seems to really hate you, so that’s high praise right there.”     

“I hope to continue annoying her,” Sam agrees.

“Captain America!” Alexei cries with his usual subtlety and grace.  “I have a big breakfast for you and Bucky.  A nice, healthy breakfast with lots of protein.  Lots of eggs, sausage, and bacon to keep you strong and full of energy.”

Sam looks at the absurd pile of ‘healthy’ breakfast foods Alexei has piled on the tray and says, “Look at all that food, that is…”

“Excessive?” Bucky offers.  He’s pleased to see Sam fighting back a smile.

“Kind,” Sam says.  “It’s very kind and maybe a little excessive.  You guys know I don’t have the serum, right?  I’m just a normal guy.”

“Ha!” Alexei laughs.  “Normal guy?  You are flying hero with wings that stab and slice and sometimes make a big boom…”

“It’s Wakandan technology,” Sam starts to explain, “The suit stores kinetic energy…  It doesn’t matter.  The suit makes it so the harder I get hit, the harder I can hit back.”

“Yes!  You can hit back so hard!  When you are leading your team of old Avengers and Bucky and I are leading the New Avengers, we will be able to keep the world safe and be big heroes together.”

Bucky watches Sam work his way through Alexei’s bombastic statement and sees the understanding dawning on his face.  It’s easy to laugh at Alexei’s over-the-top behavior, but the man has spent his adult life either playing a character for the government or in prison.  His life was never his own and he has spent more of that life just surviving rather than living. Sometimes Alexei’s interactions with Yelena show hints of the man he could have been under different circumstances.  He can tell by Sam’s expression that his partner can see the gaping wound in Alexei.  If he spends enough time with the group, he’ll see that same hole in all of them.  Maybe he already does.  Bucky is certain Sam clocked the way Ava and Yelena were thrown off by his kindness.  If Sam were a different kind of person, someone more like Val or Zemo, he’d probably already have all the information he’d need to manipulate the whole group.  He could have every one of them, Bucky included, doing tricks just to get a little more of his warmth and compassion.  They're already bringing him piles of food like he’s the king of super heroes.  He basically is.

“Well…,” Sam begins.  It’s rare to see Sam at a loss for words, but it’s clear he’s struggling to think of a response to Alexei’s delusions.

“Hey, Sam, do you want me to help you set up the rooms for tonight?” Walker offers as he approaches the group holding four metal covers to put over the food.  “These should keep your three pounds of wet scrambled egg product warm a little longer.”

Sam gratefully takes Walker up on his offer and the two head to the front desk.     

As soon as they are out of sight, Bucky collapses into a chair.  

“He’s even better looking in person,” Ava says with a hint of awe.

“He is,” Bob adds (with copious amounts of awe).  “He looks like a movie star.  And he’s so nice.”

“Even the way he looks at you is like…” Yelena waves her hands in the air, like she is physically trying to grab at words.

Ava nods in agreement, “I kept wanting to check and make sure there wasn’t some respectable hero behind me and I was just the dumbass thinking he’d talk to me like that.”

Bucky feels a pang for his teammates.  They aren’t used to the Sam of it all.  As much as Bucky still feels disarmed by the way Sam can make him feel like the most important person on the planet, he’s had years of experience being on the receiving end of Sam’s charm.  He can remember what it felt like when he was still in Wakanda, feeling fragile and empty and lost, and Sam would come along for Steve’s visits.  Steve would try so hard to make Bucky feel better, but Sam would just talk to him. Ask him random questions. Those moments of talking to Sam about 40’s jazz or baby goats or Wakandan cuisine were so blessedly normal.  Many people were kind to Bucky at that time, but Sam’s skill at pretending to casually shoot the shit in even the strangest situations let Bucky feel normal for a few moments at a time.  Now that he knows Sam, he’s sure Sam was analyzing the hell out of his every word and movement, but it just felt like talking and that was a gift.

“Sam appreciates what you guys did,” Bucky offers.  “He respects people who try to turn their lives around.  He’s not very judgmental.  Obviously.”

Bucky stares at the ground, not wanting to see anyone’s face in that moment.  

“Bucky,” Ava sighs, sounding so weary that Bucky has to look up.  “This is how friends stand together,” she says, indicating the foot of space between her and Yelena.  “And this is how Sam stood next to you,” she continues before shoving herself so hard into Yelena’s side that the smaller woman almost loses her footing.  “Whatever you did last night, you did it well.  Calm yourself down.”

“It’s not like that,” Bucky argues, even though it is a little bit like that.  

“But you are a beautiful, powerful man with a mechanical arm that never gets tired,” Alexei protests.  “You must have been able to satisfy Sam many times.  Many times.  So many times.”

Bucky is at a loss for words. “Alexei… no,” is the best he can manage as a response.

“No?” Alexei repeats, his face falling.  “It’s okay.  Maybe you just need help knowing how to please a man like Sam.  Yelena cannot help, she is good girl and does not do such things.”

Yelena rolls her eyes, “Dad, I am not a ‘good girl’, I’m asexual.”

Alexei gives her a fond smile.  “Yes, completely asexual.  Very good girl.  But, Ava?  Maybe you will help Bucky?”

Ava tilts her head like she is thinking hard.  “Are you asking me to have sex with Sam Wilson or to teach Bucky how to give a hand job?  Because one of those ideas has potential and the other is disgusting.”

Alexei throws his hands up in frustration.  “Why disgusting?  You said yourself Sam Wilson is good-looking man!”

They are all spared from further conversation when Bob excitedly announces that Sam and Walker are returning.  Bob is now helping people with the waffle makers and has a coffee mug with a few dollar bills sticking out of it next to him.  Apparently, Bob is once again earning tips.  

Bucky watches Sam and Walker approaching.  He doesn’t try to hear them or read their lips.  Sam doesn’t like when Bucky uses his ‘super soldier party tricks’ on him, but he can tell by Walker’s gestures that he is talking about his shield being turned into a ‘taco’.  That’s one of Sam’s party tricks.  Walker once tried to murder Sam, but now he is eager to show off for Sam and demonstrate his value to one of the few people on Earth that still seems to give a shit about him.  Sam and Walker have probably had a half dozen conversations in the years since Walker went off the deep end, but it’s been enough for Sam to turn a former foe into a fan.

Sam asked if Val was trying to create a schism between him and Bucky.  Her ‘classic hero’ comment was pretty clearly a reference to Sam, who is essentially the current king of super heroes.  He’s the face people see while most of the other known heroes are off-world or staying underground.   It’s mostly Sam and Scott Lange and everyone knows Ant-Man is Sam’s biggest fan.

If Val thinks she’ll be able to sow resentment in the group towards Sam, she doesn’t know what she’s up against.  There’s an element of manipulation in the way Sam disarms people and sucks them into his orbit, but there’s no cynicism.  Under Sam’s veneer of charm and confidence is a slightly more reserved but still pretty charming and confident man.  Sam’s best qualities may be amplified when he’s playing Captain America, but they are never manufactured.  His care is genuine and his well of compassion runs amazingly deep.  You can poke and prod at Sam, but you won’t catch him being insincere. Val could never stand up to the same level of scrutiny.  Bucky looked Val in the eyes and saw the same gaping hole in her that he sees in the other Thunderbolts.  They’ll never be able to trust her.  They only trust one another because of what they’ve shared.  They’ve each seen parts of one another that no one else was ever meant to see.  

“John has a key for a suite that is open right now,” Sam announces as he approaches the group.  “There’s an adjoining suite that will be open this afternoon.  That’s four real beds and two fold-out couches.  It’s probably better that you guys keep a low profile for the moment, so maybe it’s best to stay inside the hotel for now.  Buck and I are going to go eat this impressive pile of food and talk strategy.  John has my number if you need me.  It was good meeting all of you.  The world owes you a debt of gratitude.”

“Thank you, Sam,” Ava says, looking a little awestruck.  “Can we get you anything else?  Is your coffee watery enough?  I can add more water if you like.  Add more coffee grounds to the top?”

Sam laughs and assures her the coffee has “the perfect watery to crunchy ratio” that he likes in his free hotel coffee.

Bucky jumps up to grab the other tray of food and follow Sam as the group watches them, oddly quiet.  No threats or intimidation could throw them off as badly as Sam’s sincere appreciation.  

In the elevator, Sam laughs and slumps against the wall.  “Seriously, Buck, what are you telling these people about my appetite?  It’s because I licked my fingers after eating gata, isn’t it?  I knew you’d think I was a glutton.”

“I thought I could grab you some food and coffee before everything was packed up for the day,” Bucky begins, “but they were all there…”

“I noticed,” Sam says with a smile.  Everything about his expression and body language says that everything is fine, but Bucky can tell Sam’s putting on the charm as a misdirect.  There’s something on his mind.

“I didn’t mean to not be there when you woke up.  I thought I’d be back sooner.”

“I saw your phone was still in the room and figured you were probably getting breakfast.  When you still weren’t back after I showered, I came down to make sure everything was okay.  I wasn’t trying to check up on you and I don’t assume the worst of you.”

“I didn’t think you were,” Bucky assures him.  It honestly hadn’t occurred to him to question Sam’s motives.  “I just don’t want you to think I was telling them your business or…”

Bucky could say, “I didn’t tell them we had sex, they just guessed.”  But he doubts that will make him sound more trustworthy or discreet.

“I know you didn’t say anything about our business,” Sam says with a smirk that makes Bucky immediately regret not trying to listen in on his conversation with Walker.

“What did he say?”

“He said a lot of interesting things about Val and the team, but we should eat before we talk business,” Sam says, still looking smug.

“If you don’t tell me what Walker said, I’m going to fill in the blanks myself and then beat him to death with his own taco shield.  No court would convict me.”

Sam laughs and looks fondly at his tray of food.  “He just said no one on the team intended any disrespect to me and they don’t want to cause any problems between us.  He was good.  It was good to see him actually caring about things again.”

“What else did he say?”

Sam is clearly trying to look casual, but there is a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“He assured me that you have not said one indiscreet word,” Sam assures him, “Then he said ‘But that miserable fuck came to breakfast smiling .’ Then he gave me a high five.”

Chapter Text

Once he starts eating, Bucky realizes he's famished and he does far more damage to the heaping piles of food than he expected.  

“Maybe your crew wasn't being excessive,” Sam observes as he finishes off his waffle.  “I feel like I haven't eaten in a week.”

“They aren't my crew.”

“They definitely are,” Sam counters.  “I saw how they scurried to grab food when I came in.  You are running a tight ship whether you like it or not.”

“They were just…” Bucky can only imagine how it looked from Sam’s perspective.  Bucky was standing still, drowning in his shame and failure while every other member of the team actually stepped up to rectify the situation.  Even Alexei took better care of Sam than Bucky.  “It's all so stupid.”

“Some of my favorite people are stupid,” Sam says, flirtatiously eyeing Bucky up and down.  “Just tell me the whole story and get it over with.”

“Yelena saw me… I must have looked worried or upset or whatever when I saw you had sent a text before I could explain things to you about Val and the New Avengers and then she assumed I was being dumped by my boyfriend and then they all thought you were that boyfriend because…”

“Because everyone has assumed we’re a couple for years?”

“I told them over and over that it wasn’t like that.”

“Yeah,” Sam agrees, looking very serious.  “I’ve been telling Sarah the same thing since your first visit.”

“Are you going to tell her…?” Bucky lets the thought trail off.  He doesn’t know what words to use, what words Sam will feel comfortable using. 

“No matter what happens between us, no matter how long or how brief, I will never admit to Sarah that she was right.”

“Does that mean you’re thinking about… this continuing?” Bucky asks, searching Sam’s face for clues.  His stomach clenches when Sam looks away, suddenly fascinated by what could technically be called ‘the view’ outside the window.  It could be that Sam is fascinated by the sliver of water that can be seen around the building directly in front of them, but Bucky is pretty sure Sam is just avoiding eye contact.  

“I guess that depends on what you want,” Sam says, still staring out the window at nothing.  

“I want whatever you want,” is Bucky’s absolute shit but honest answer.   

Sam looks unhappy, but at least he’s looking at Bucky again.  “We can take it one day at a time.  We don’t need to make any big decisions today.  We can see how you feel…  I was pretty worn out last night.”

“Was it too much?” Bucky asks, anxiety creeping up his spine as he starts to question his memories of the night before, wondering what he missed. “You can tell me when I’m going too far or asking for too much, I never want to do anything that you don’t want.  Never.”

Sam gives him a fond smile and puts his hand on Bucky’s.  “Last night was amazing.  You were amazing.  Mind-blowing.  Better than I expected and I was expecting it to be pretty goddamn incredible.  You are always full of surprises, Bucky Barnes.  I haven’t slept that well in… I don’t remember the last time I slept like that.”

Bucky drinks up the praise and reassurance, but he still feels like he’s standing on the edge of a cliff in the dark.  He has no idea which direction will lead him to safety and which will send him plummeting into the void.  “I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.”

Sam smiles, but again becomes fascinated by the ‘view’.  “I’m sure you pictured things going a little differently, but we have time.  I might need another nap after all this food, but I’ll hydrate, do some stretches…”

Sam’s tone is light, but he looks vulnerable.

“Last night was better than anything I let myself hope for,” Bucky assures him.  “You can take all the time you want before we do anything else.  I’m not trying to push you into anything you don’t want.”

That gets him another smile and a squeeze of his hand.  “I know that, Bucky.  I really do and I appreciate it.  I know you’re always looking out for me.”  

‘I don’t want to be a…”  the burdens he left behind . “I don’t want to cause you any problems.  Any more problems.”

“Like starting a New Avengers team with not one but three super soldiers?”

Bucky lets out an audible moan and drops his head on the table.  He is rewarded with a pat on the head from Sam.

“Just giving you a hard time,” Sam assures him.  “I know you aren’t the one trying to make me look old and weak.”

Bucky sits up straight at that.  “Old and weak?  What are you talking about?”

“Val wants to discredit me and I am sure encouraging the world to compare me to - not just you, and not just Walker, but to three super soldiers, a Black Widow and someone who can walk through walls - probably isn’t the worst way to get people thinking about me as… inadequate?  I’m sure she would have a better and also much worse word for it.”

“Ava and Bob are the only ones with non-punching related abilities and Bob is currently just… Bob,” Bucky reminds his partner.  “You can fly and slice through planes.”

“Technically, anyone could do those things with my equipment.”

“I guess that’s why the Wakandans have a whole fleet of flying soldiers.”

Sam looks annoyed at Bucky’s valid point.  “I’m sure they eventually will have their own people in gear like mine…”

“After you teach them how to use it since you’re the only person alive with this particular skill set.”

“Joaquin is already…”

“Slicing the wing off a plane?”

Sam glares at Bucky, but there’s no real anger in his face.  He’s annoyed that Bucky isn’t agreeing with him.  And that Bucky is making solid points.

“I’m sure Joaquin will end up being better than me.  I’m not getting any younger and he’ll be able to do things I can’t.”

“Probably,” Bucky agrees, “but only because you taught him everything you spent two decades learning on your own, not because there’s anyone out there who is better at your particular brand of crazy than you are.   There’s never going to be another Sam Wilson.  Where is this coming from?  What’s going on with you?”

Sam shrugs and shakes his head, saying, “There’s nothing going on with me.  I’m just getting older and slower and now I’m going to be trying to convince people who are probably a lot more powerful than me to follow me as an Avenger while a very vocal segment of the American population is going to be arguing that John Walker should still be Captain America.”

Bucky wants to tell Sam he’s being crazy, but he can see what Sam is saying.  As well-liked and well-respected as Sam is, there have always been detractors who argue that Captain America should be a super soldier.  Most people don’t say out loud the part where they also want their Cap to be white, but the implication is always hovering in the air.  

“We’re all getting older, but you’re also getting smarter and we can’t all say that,” Bucky argues, happy to get a smirk from Sam.  “I guarantee any ‘New Avenger’, including John, would be happy to be a real Avenger and work for you if that’s what you wanted.  I’m pretty sure Walker is all set with being the posterboy for white supremacy.  That’s not the legacy he’s hoping to leave for his kid.  They all look up to you, the same as most people do.  I know there are plenty of people who want to tear you down, but not…” Bucky stops short of using the word ‘us’.  That would sound like he was actually a part of the team.

“John doesn’t have to want that particular honor,” Sam argues.  “People just need to see him being called an Avenger, even a New Car Smell Avenger, and they’re going to think about how he just ‘looks the part’.  Even if he’s working for me.”

Bucky hates everything that Sam is saying, and he especially hates the ways that Sam is right.  Even Alexei is a blue-eyed super soldier.   Val’s plan suddenly seems less nonsensical.  She probably hopes to use the Thunderbolts to undermine Sam before she finds a way to get them all back in an incinerator, this time with Bucky and Alexei included.  Whatever value the New Avengers might have for her will not make them worth the hassle of trying to keep them in line.   

“You’ll form your Avengers, and we’ll take care of Val,” Bucky promises.  “It’s all going to be fine.  I won’t let her get in your way.  I won’t let anyone get in your way.”

That earns him a proper smile.  “I’m glad to have you on my side.  And not just because I wouldn’t want to be out there competing with you.”

“Seriously, Sam.  What’s happening here?  Why are you talking about being old or competing with super soldiers?  Please don't say that you're fine.”

Bucky can see Sam preparing to dismiss his concerns, puffing himself up and putting on the confident smile, but he stops himself and lets his shoulders drop.  

“Fine.  You know I’m not one to wallow in self-doubt or throw myself pity parties but…First, I couldn't get to you in time to help, and I kept thinking about the shame rooms and… all the things I make a point of not thinking about so I don't lose my shit, and then you and John were on TV being called the New Avengers, and then I started getting paranoid about you being secretive with your phone and imagining what other people might be saying about me, and feeling so much doubt and then I just barely survived getting a blow job from you and realized maybe…”

“Maybe what?”

“Maybe I can’t handle this.”

Bucky’s mouth is dry, but he refuses to freak out.  He’s definitely going over the cliff’s edge if he freaks out. He feels the weight of his feet in his shoes and forces himself to breathe normally.  “Can’t handle any of this meaning…?”

“Trying to keep up with super soldiers.  Trying to muscle my way through all my limitations and pretending I’m not constantly exhausted and in pain. When I woke up this morning and you were already off…”

“I’m sorry, Sam…”

“I’m not upset with you, Bucky,” Sam snaps, sounding very much like a person who is upset.  “You didn’t do anything wrong.  I don’t expect you to sit around for hours, watching me sleep, when your team is already up and ready for their next mission.  I always made a point of not holding Steve back, but I was younger then.  The old tricks aren’t working so well these days.”

“There’s no way you saw us this morning and thought, ‘That looks like a group of people ready for a new challenge’.  They’re all worn out and on a hair trigger, and it actually occurred to you that wasn’t a good situation and you did something about it while I just worried about myself.”

“Maybe logistics is where I belong at this point,” Sam says with a tight smile.  “You round up the super heroes and I’ll book the hotels and buy the weighted blankets and ear plugs.”

“Sam, I hate to be critical, but you sound fucking insane right now.  You’re talking about me, Walker and Alexei Shostakov.  I’m the sensible one in that group.  Me.  The assassin who thought he could be a congressman.”

“The decorated soldier and beloved hero who did become a congressman,” Sam corrects.  “I’m sure your constituents support your stance against the city being trapped in depression prison.  Your approval ratings are probably through the roof right now.”

Bucky refuses to be sidetracked.  “Being strong and healing quickly doesn’t automatically make someone a force for good, and history has shown the serum typically doesn’t have the best impact on a person’s mental health.  You know too much power is always dangerous.  If you really thought the serum would make you a better Captain America, you would have already gotten your hands on some.  You’ve always chosen to protect the best in you, no matter how hard the choice - when it put you in danger, when it put you in jail, when it put a target on your back - you’ve always chosen staying Sam Wilson over being safe or having more power.” 

Sam is glaring at him, but Bucky continues to hold his gaze.  No one is allowed to diminish Sam Wilson in Bucky’s presence, not even Sam.

Sam eventually sighs, “It’s annoying when you make sense.”

“That’s why I try to avoid doing it.  But I’m kind of an expert in why Sam Wilson is remarkable.  I’ve spent years studying.”

Sam’s face softens into a real smile that makes Bucky’s stomach do flips.  “Maybe you should spend more time looking in the mirror, because you’re pretty damn remarkable yourself.”

“For what it’s worth, I wasn’t waiting for hours. I woke up a little before you did.  I didn’t even have time to grab a coffee before you showed up downstairs.  I was trying to take care of you and I fucked up, I got distracted by their nonsense and…” Bucky feels his cheeks turning pink, but he presses on.  It’s not like Sam doesn’t know that Bucky’s ridiculous. “... and it was kind of nice that they were happy for me.  I’m sure it was embarrassing for you, but I might have needed a little validation.  I’m sorry Walker gave you a high five.  I’m sure that was weird for you.”

“Definitely weird when you’re not in high school but… I didn’t mind having a little validation myself,”  Sam admits, again fascinated by the complete lack of a view outside the window.

“Really?  Why?”  

“I know last night was a little… disappointing.”

Bucky feels like he’s slipping off the edge of the cliff as he searches his memory for signs that Sam was unhappy with what they were doing the night before. “What?  Why?”

“We’ve been dancing around this for so long, and I really wanted things to be perfect when we took that step and instead I was ready to pass out while you were still getting me warmed up for the main event.”  

“Jesus christ, am I going to have to be the sane one now?  That’s not even close to what happened.  I wasn’t trying to warm you up for anything, I was trying to keep any blood from getting to your brain so you wouldn’t change your mind and send me packing.  I didn’t have any agenda last night, I just wanted to make you feel good.  I just want you to be happy. That’s what I always want for you, Sam.” That has Sam looking at him again. Bucky decides it's probably time to just say it out loud.  He’d rather be exiled to the friend zone than have Sam spend another moment questioning if he's enough for Bucky.  “I’m just going to put my cards on the table, Sam. On one hand, I feel like a fucking joke of a human being and I think it's ridiculous to think you could ever be happy with me, that I could ever be something other than a…” burden “...but on the other hand, my therapist asked me what kind of guy I would want for you.  What man could possibly deserve you?”

“And did you .. draw a picture of yourself?”

Bucky has to chuckle at that.  “No, but I drew myself a roadmap.  I could see the things I’m already doing right and I could see a way forward.  I don't know if I'll ever feel good enough for you, but I think I can be good to you and maybe even good for you… as long as I never stop going to therapy.”

“You are good to me and good for me.  I don't think anyone has ever seen me as clearly as you do.  It can be unnerving at times... but it's good.”

“Unnerving?”

“Any time I’m trying to finesse a situation, even just a little, you start giving me that ‘Turn off your blinker, Wilson, you’re not getting over’ face.”

“I think that’s just my ‘what am I missing’ face.  I don’t expect you to tell me everything, I just don’t want to miss anything important.”  

“You don’t miss a thing.”

“I clearly do, but it’s never because I don’t care.  I just get…”  Bucky trails off as he looks out the window, the echoes of the Void ringing in his head, reminding him of all the reasons he could never be the person who makes Sam happy.  He flinches when Sam takes his hand, but Sam just pauses for a moment before speaking.

“You don’t miss a thing.  You might not always know what you’re looking at, but I know you’re always paying attention and that I can’t distract you the way I can distract everyone else.  It’s annoying as hell, but… it means a lot to me.  You mean a lot to me.  Last night meant a lot to me.”

“It meant a lot to me, too.  You mean a lot to me.  You’re everything to me.”

Bucky looks into Sam’s eyes, searching for signs that he’s said too much and hurled himself off the cliff, but Sam is smiling.

Bucky takes his time to prove to Sam that he hasn’t learned a goddamn thing.   He has no regrets when Sam asks for, “Some bacon, some IV fluids and my phone,” and promises, “I am going to rock your world just as soon as I have control of my arms and legs again.”

Bucky is feeling smug and like the kind of person who could be a decent boyfriend when Sam asks, “Did your guys have a press conference outside the hotel last night?”

If Bucky were on a literal cliff, he’d throw himself off of it.

“Fuck.”

“I take that as a yes?”

“They said something about it this morning, but I was so focused on…”

“Bragging to your new friends about how I put out after a mere three years of flirting?”

“I’ve been flirting with you a lot longer than that,” Bucky argues, trying to keep things light as he frantically searches his phone to see the damage done.  His stomach drops when he hears Yelena’s voice coming from Sam’s phone.

Sam angles his phone so Bucky can watch.  The group is looking confused and worse for wear as they huddle together in front of the hotel, blinding lights flashing in their faces.

“We’re still negotiating details,” Yelena explains to a reporter out of frame.  “I’m not sure if that will be the name we use going forward.  We still have a lot to work out.”

“Have any of you spoken to Captain America about using the Avengers name?” a reporter yells out.

Ava steps forward and says, “We have not spoken to Sam Wilson. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I would be very happy to speak to Captain America, any day, any time.  Please give him my number.  In fact,” Ava looks directly into the camera and mimes holding a phone to her face while mouthing ‘Call me!’

Bucky feels his whole body relax when Sam laughs along with the crowd.

He tenses right back up when Alexei leans into a mic.  “Captain America is a powerful man.  A beautiful man.  I hope to someday fight by his side.  The Red Guardian and Captain America joining together to fight for peace.  Anyone who wants to take away our peace, we will crush them into the…”

“What my father is trying to say,” Yelena says as she shoves Alexei backwards, taking the reporter’s mic into her own hands, “is that we have tremendous respect for Captain America.  He’s a great hero and a good man.”

“And he’s so ripped,” Bob adds.  “He doesn’t even have the serum!  I watched so many videos of him flying and fighting before I realized he’s not enhanced, he’s just jacked and crazy athletic.  That’s insane!”

“And who are you?” another reporter asks.

“I’m Bob.  Hi.”

“John Walker,” a reporter calls out, catching Walker’s eye.  “There has been speculation that your inclusion on the New Avengers team indicates you plan to return to the role of Captain America.  Is there any truth to that rumor?”

Walker grits his teeth and twitches before composing himself.  “No.  Obviously that’s not happening.  Sam Wilson is Captain America and he’s doing a great job and we all have nothing but respect and appreciation for him.  Maybe Ava appreciates him a little more than the rest of us…”

Ava leans into the mic and says, “I think Alexei appreciates him even more.”

Alexei takes the mic and adds, “He is strong and powerful and swoops into battle like the bird of prey, and he has this little space between his front teeth that is very cute.”

Yelena pulls the mic away from Alexei, looking horrified, “Yes, he’s a great hero and he has a great smile.”

“Is Sam Wilson planning to lead his own team of Avengers?” a reporter asks.

Walker leans down to the mic that Yelena is holding, “We don’t have any inside information on Captain America, you’re going to have to ask him about his plans.  We just know that he’s a great guy and a great hero and…apparently just an all-around hottie.  No more questions.  We all clearly need some sleep.”

The video ends and Bucky watches Sam’s face as his partner blinks a few times before saying, “I hate to admit it but, Walker earned that high five.”

Chapter Text

Sam wants a chance to show off his skills, and all Bucky needs to do is lie back and let the person he’s been in love with for years make him feel good.  Nothing could be easier than lying in a hotel bed and letting Sam make love to him, and yet his stupid body can’t calm down and let him enjoy himself.  Sam picks up on every flinch and tensed muscle, and his movements become slower and more gentle.  Bucky manages to relax into the feeling of Sam’s mouth on him for a few minutes, but then Sam moves his hand slightly and Bucky is pulling away like he’s been stabbed.  Bucky grinds the palms of his hands into his eyes and fights the urge to scream in frustration.  It would be awful and embarrassing under any circumstances, but it’s happening right after Sam admitted to feeling insecure about his ability to please Bucky.  He hates that he is hurting Sam with his inability to get his body and brain on the same wavelength.

When he dares to take a peek at his partner, he sees Sam kneeling next to him, looking puzzled, but not overly upset.  

“I can usually follow your lead,” Sam says, “but it feels like every adjustment I make is making things worse.”

“I’m sor-...”

“You don’t need to be sorry, you’re not doing anything wrong, and you don’t need to explain anything unless you want to.  Tell me what will work for you, and that’s what we’ll do.”

There’s no judgement or annoyance in Sam’s face or tone.  He’s being predictably kind and patient with Bucky’s inability to experience pleasure without making things weird.

Were you fucking worth it?

Who could be, Steve?  Who could possibly be worth dealing with this kind of bullshit? 

“I’ve wanted this for so long…” Bucky tries to explain, knowing damn well he’ll never be able to express his deep well of longing for Sam or the arbitrary nature of his body’s responses. “I’m just messed up from…  It’s not you.  You’re perfect.”

“Sometimes I think you might be putting me on a pedestal,” Sam teases, but with genuine concern in his eyes.  

“No, you’re perfect.”  Sam is gearing up to argue, but Bucky cuts him off, “You’re bossy and annoying and stubborn and a control freak and you put way too much salt in your rice…”

“That’s slander right there.”

“But you’re perfect.  I wouldn’t change a single thing about you and you are the only person I could… be with like this… I usually can’t…  I know that if I have a breakdown, you’ll be patient and you’ll talk me through it and you won’t make me feel bad about it…”

“There’s no reason for you to feel bad.”

“But it isn't fair for you to have to help me through every fucking little thing when you never ask for anything.  I hate putting this… burden on you.” It almost feels good to say the dreaded word out loud.  “I hate being a burden on you.”

Sam tilts his head thoughtfully.  “I’m not that great at asking for things, but when I’m messed up after a mission, you stay near me and keep me calm.  You check in on me any time things go sideways.  You sent your team to get me enough food to feed an army.”

“I asked them to get a few pieces of gata.  They’ve got their own agenda for treating you like their sovereign.”  

“Are you saying they all want to be Avengers? Or that they’re all trying to get with me?”

“Maybe both?  You saw that press conference.”

“You're always boosting me up, or scraping me off the floor, or propping me up when I can barely go on - and I mean all those things in an emotional way as well as the way you literally drag my sorry ass around when I am beat down.  You could never be a burden to me, Bucky.  I lean on you and you lean on me. We keep each other from falling.”

Of course Sam is saying exactly what Bucky desperately wants to hear.  He wants so badly to believe that what he has to offer is worth all the bullshit and baggage he invariably brings with him.  

“You keep me from falling, Sam.  You literally have wings.”

“I’ve crashed and burned in the past.  Wings can't always pull you out of a spiral.”

Sam looks a little vacant as he speaks.  It’s only a subtle change in his expression, but it’s a familiar one. Bucky knows how to handle this.  Nothing scares Sam more than feeling out of control, and Sam never felt more out of control than in the aftermath of Riley’s death. He pulls Sam towards him until he's lying on Bucky’s chest and in his arms.  

“I was worried about you the day Joaquin was shot out of the sky.  You’ve talked about how you worry about him and about…” If it weren't for you, he’d still be here.   “…losing another partner.  But when I came to the hospital, you didn’t pretend to be fine and push all your feelings down.  You always say that's where the problems began after Riley.  You talked it all out and you kept going.  You're in a different place now than you were back then.  You won’t break down again.  Not like back then.”

“Full transparency,” Sam mumbles into Bucky’s chest, "I haven't talked to anyone else about how I’ve been doubting myself.  Not the way I talk about it with you.”

“Why me?”

“Because I trust you.  Because I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that when you decide I am too old to be Captain America, you will tell me.  You will follow me around yelling, ‘You're too old for this, Sam!’. You might act like I hung the moon when you're feeling soft, but in the field, you're putting my safety above my vanity,” Sam lifts his head and looks Bucky in the eyes.  “And I hate it.  Just to be clear, I hate that you tell me I can't do things or I shouldn't do things… but I trust you and I always take your words to heart.” 

“You usually ignore me.”

“No,” Sam argues, “I usually respectfully disagree, but I do play things more carefully if you're worried.  I do listen and I trust your judgement, but there are times that I trust my judgement more.  And I'm still alive so..”

“If anyone could survive an impossible situation just for the sake of winning an argument, it would be you.”

“So now you’re trying to appeal to my vanity?”

“That was not a compliment.”

“I respectfully disagree.”

Bucky would love to leave it there, but Sam will want to talk it all out eventually.  Sam likes to have his uncomfortable conversations with brutal honesty and full eye contact. It’s scary but reassuring.  When Sam decides to leave Bucky behind, there won’t be lingering questions.  Sam will tell him to his face why he’s not enough.

Bucky screws his courage to the sticking place and talks about his stupid fucking feelings as best he can.

“You're crazy and you’re perfect and I love you so much.” I didn’t mean to say that last part out loud. “I just want to take care of you.” And not hurt you any more than I already have . “I want to treat you right.” And not end up breaking you the way I broke Steve.   “It's hard to explain.” Because I will never, ever be worth it, but I have to try because you’re too stubborn to give up on me. “Making you feel good is easy.  It’s me feeling good that is causing problems.”

“Is that a post-Void issue or… a general Bucky issue?”

“I think this is a post-Void thing. I’ve had… different issues with other people that I don’t have with you.  I just can’t… Everything else is good.  Really good.  Really, really good.  I just can’t stop tensing up and I don’t want to hurt you.”

Sam looks thoughtful, “Is there a way I could…”

Bucky cuts him off.  “Be more perfect?   No.  You are doing everything right and my brain knows I am safe and everything is good. Really fucking good.  I’m just keyed up from everything else.”

“Poor Bucky,” Sam says without a trace of irony.  “Is there anything I can do that would… work for you?”

“What we’ve been doing has been good.”

“But that’s been about ninety percent me just kicking back and you doing all the work.”

“If there were a way for it to be one hundred percent about me taking care of you, that would be even better.”

“I want this to be good for you, too, Bucky.”

“Have you seen yourself?  It’s always going to be good for me.  It’s always going to be fucking amazing for me.”  Sam looks unconvinced, so Bucky stares hard at the ceiling and says the uncomfortable part out loud. “I’ve always been like that, even before HYDRA and all that.  I like being good to people.  Figuring things out. What someone likes. I like doing things… well.”

“Being the best?”

“Shut up.”

“Bucky Barnes has a competency kink… for himself.”

“I hate you.”

“No you don't.  You loooove me.  You think I’m perrrrrfect.”

“I have changed my mind entirely.  Is your sister still talking to that guy or is it cool for me to ask her out?”

“It took you 110 years to get your perfect man in bed, and it's gonna be wham, bam, ‘thank you, Sam’?”

“No.  Because last night you said I had to stop thanking you during sex.  Your rule, not mine.”

‘So I'm just supposed to lie here and let you pleasure me for hours?”

“That would be ideal, yes.” 

“The things I do for my man.”

Bucky has to smile at that.  My man .

“You do more for me than you'll ever know.”

“You survived over a century just to make my life complicated.” 

“And give you orgasms.  And get you gata. And coffee in the morning…”

“You are delivering like a champ in the orgasms department, but it was your team that actually got the food.  This has been a team seduction.”

“Watch what you say out loud.  They'll be outside your door.”

“Then you’ll know how it feels to be competing against multiple super soldiers, a Black Widow, a woman who walks through walls…”

“Sugar, you have no competition.  You are one in a million.”

Sam rolls his eyes at Bucky's sincere sappiness, but he looks pleased.  “It's crazy to think of all the things that had to happen for us to end up here together.”

Sam had to lose a partner to meet Captain America and he had to lose another partner to become Captain America.  

“A lot of bad luck on your part.  Lucky for me, though.”

“Poor me,” Sam sighs. “Stuck with a gorgeous and highly skilled man with an amazing body, super strength and super sex powers.”

“I don't have super sex powers.”

“I respectfully disagree.”

Bucky holds Sam and watches him sleep.  It's still early afternoon, but Bucky has been a little over enthusiastic and Sam is exhausted.  Bucky had intended to hold back a bit more so Sam wouldn’t get so worn out but then… But then Sam started moaning and Bucky’s brain went off line.  

He knows they need to talk about the Thunderbolts and Val, he knows they need to make a plan, but he doesn't want to.  He doesn't want to deal with the mess he's made of everything.  He doesn't want to think. He just wants to focus on making Sam feel good and forgetting the rest of the world exists.  When Sam is trembling and whimpering, “Bucky” and “please” and digging his short nails into Bucky’s skin, Bucky feels amazing.  He feels competent and skilled and like he has something to offer.  

In the cold light of day, Bucky knows he has made some questionable choices over the last couple of days, but it felt good to ride a motorcycle through the desert, tracking his targets.  He felt strong and capable.  Confident and prepared.  The opposite of how he’s felt every day for the past six months.  Bucky is bad at being a congressman, but he's so good at being a soldier.  And he's pretty good at sex.

He's so tired of failing.  He's tired of feeling lost.  He’s tired of being a weapon, or a puppet, or a mindless automaton. Bucky wants to do something good for the world, but most of his skills are of the death and destruction variety.  Bucky was clearly never meant to build anything lasting.  He was built for destruction.

The scene from the Void plays in his head once again.  Watching helplessly as his past self punched Steve over and over.  The sick feeling of seeing himself as a human turned into a weapon with no thoughts other than the mission and no feelings other than fear and anger.  The first time he kicked the Soldier, he’d ended up taking Steve’s place on the floor, being pummeled by his younger self.  He’d been able to fight off the Soldier, Bucky absolutely knows his own weaknesses, but then it was Steve holding him down.  The punches were brutal, but nothing compared to the look of hatred in Steve’s eyes.

“Were you fucking worth it?  I gave up everything for you. I gave up everything I earned so you could live your miserable little life and have a chance at being happy. A chance at a happy ending for the killer cyborg.  I gave up the shield, I gave up my friends, I gave up my team.  I gave up him.  For what, Bucky?  So you could sit in your apartment and pout?  So you could feel bad about all the people you killed? You didn’t even take care of him.  I gave you everything I had and you wasted it!  Now you’re doing a half-ass job of playing politician?  Sam’s out there risking his life and you’re reading packets and having business lunches instead of keeping him safe?  I should have killed you when I had the chance.  I should have killed you and then cried about it so the whole world could feel sorry for me instead of you.”  

As bad as it was, Bucky was aware that it was his own self-hatred coming out of Steve’s mouth. The real Steve never got to see how badly Bucky fucked everything up after he left.   

The Void took Bucky to some of the most godawful things that he’d ever done, truly unspeakable and unforgivable crimes against humanity, but they weren’t choices that Bucky had made.  It was horrible, but that wasn't the kind of horror that lingered after the Void.   The winter soldier only knew his mission, nothing else.  Bucky has made some degree of peace with the actions of the Winter Soldier.

Watching himself pick up the bloody shield they just had wrested from a seriously unstable John Walker and dropping it on the ground next to Sam?  That was all Bucky. That shame is his own.   It is far from his most shameful moment, but it was horrible to watch it play out over and over, unable to change it.  Sam on the ground, injured and heartbroken and desperately in need of comfort, while Bucky coldly drops the blood-covered shield next to him. He may as well have literally kicked Sam while he was at it.

Knowing how badly Sam had been hurting back then, and the ways Bucky had made everything worse, all Bucky wanted to do in that room was to comfort Sam the way he should have when it actually happened. 

But that's not how it works.  Bucky can't fix his past, he can't undo the harm, he can't erase the pain from himself or anyone else.  Every time he approached the wounded Sam of his memories, he was met with vitriol and scorn.

If it weren't for you, he’d still be here. And now he’s gone and all that is left for me are the burdens he left behind. 

The worst part is it's objectively true.  Maybe Steve thought he was giving Sam the world by handing him the shield and Bucky.  Steve was a born martyr who lived for the fight and he had known Bucky at his absolute best.  Like a dog bringing a mangled offering to its owner, Steve didn't realize his gifts were burdens - messes for Sam to clean up.

The way Void-Sam spoke the truth so coldly, like Bucky meant nothing to him, tapped into Bucky’s fear of rejection in a way that Void-Steve’s yelling abuse never could.  Steve’s gone.  Even if Steve’s decision to leave was 100% because of the pain that Bucky brought into his life… Steve left behind responsibilities Sam never agreed to carry.  Even in his most self-hating moments, he knows Steve’s decision was never all about Bucky.

But watching himself fail as a partner to Sam and then hearing Void-Sam call him a burden over and over…  It was Bucky’s self-hatred but it was also a fair description of events.  It’s how Sam should feel.  The vitriol of the Sam in the Void feels more real than the gentle support of real Sam. He can see what's happening, Bucky absolutely knows his own weaknesses, but he can't let the feeling go.  Sam has been loving and warm and understanding.  There is no reason to think he is in imminent danger of being pushed out of Sam's life any time soon, but he keeps waiting.  He keeps anticipating blows that never come.  Sam doesn’t hate Bucky, but maybe he should.  

Bucky's phone buzzes with a message. And another. And another.  He's already feeling queasy before he picks up his phone.  There are messages in the group text. There's a message from Joaquin Torres. There is a message from Sarah. And Cass.  And AJ.  And Rhodes.  

There's a text from Isaiah Bradley.   This is the fourth text Isaiah has ever sent to Bucky’s phone in the four years that they have been interacting through Sam, and the first one not to start with, ‘Sam is going to be fine’ and end with the address of a hospital.  

They are all sending him a link to the same article quoting ‘a source close to Congressman Bucky Barnes’ suggesting Bucky has ‘lost faith’ in Sam’s ability to lead and that is why he has ‘switched allegiances’.   

It's clearly Val.  Another dig at Sam, another attempt to chip away at their bond, another twist of the knife in Bucky’s back.  

Bucky knows his own weaknesses, and talking is one of them.  He’ll refute the article, but he will be stilted and awkward while Sam will be smooth but undeniably sincere. The discrepancy in their responses will fuel theories that they are no longer on the same side. Val will keep up the disinformation campaign and keep forcing Bucky into strained statements or into completely losing his shit on record.  Bucky’s failures are depressingly predictable.

Bucky places his phone and Sam’s on top of a pillow so the vibrations won’t disturb Sam’s rest.  His partner isn’t likely to sleep for much longer and Bucky isn’t looking forward to the conversation they’ll need to have once he’s awake.  Bucky wraps his arms around Sam and smells his hair and tries to stay in the moment.  Bucky has lived long enough to know that the bad times just keep coming, but moments of contentment are few and far between and should never ever be wasted.  

Sam plays it off like he’s not upset about the article.  He makes pithy jokes, but the frantic movements of his hands on his phone show his stress.  Sam doesn’t want Bucky’s apologies, but Bucky can’t think of anything else to say. He feels useless and helpless.

Then a text comes through the group chat.

John Walker:  Yelena took Alexei for a walk and he got loose.  There are four exits and four of us, but one of us is Bob, so we could use back up on the west wing.

Bob:  That!

Bucky is already out the door and in the stairwell when he gets a call from Walker that Alexei is already out front with reporters.  There is truly no way to guess what Alexei will say.  It’s unlikely that even Alexei has a clue what is about to happen.

Bucky runs to the entrance of the hotel and finds a crowd has gathered.  Alexei is yelling to the reporters as Yelena and Ava desperately try to pull him back without resorting to violence.  The effect is cartoonish as Yelena and Ava throw their full bodies into trying to make Alexei budge, but the man looks possessed.    

“These things are not true,” Alexei growls at the crowd of reporters.  “They are lies.  Ugly lies.  Captain America and the Winter Soldier are friends! They do not betray one another.  The Winter Soldier knows what it is like to be without friends.  Without family.  To be a cog in a machine he does not understand but still crushes him into dust because the machine does not weep for parts that must be replaced.  The machine keeps going while your bones turn to dust.  We have all been too much alone and it is no good.  People are not meant to be alone.  It makes your thoughts grow dark and cold.  The New Avengers do not turn on their friends.  We do not betray those who love us,” Alexei’s voice is breaking and his eyes are shining with unshed tears,  “...we do not betray the people who believe in us.  We believe in peace and in love and in friendship just like Captain America. And the new little Falcon. And Kermit the Frog. And those little ponies in the cartoon…” 

While Bucky stops, fascinated by Alexei’s revealing rant, Walker comes brushing past him and grabs Alexei in a bear hug, yelling, “No further questions,” as he drags the older man back into the building.  Yelena is looking teary-eyed and Ava is hovering near her, looking uncertain of how to offer comfort.  Bob joins the group and reporters immediately start asking him questions about who he is and why he is with the New Avengers.  

“I’m just a guy,” Bob explains.  “But I really love Captain America.  And Kermit the Frog.  And I watched a lot of My Little Pony in rehab.  Sometimes I see myself as a Pinkie Pie but other times…”

Bucky grabs Bob the same way Walker grabbed Alexei.  The reporters immediately ask him about the article and Bucky leans into the nearest mic and says, “I don’t have time for the bullshit.  The article is a bunch of nonsense…”

“Full of tiny aggressions!” Alexei yells from inside the building.

Yelena, who had been looking dazed, snaps into action and grabs one of the microphones. 

“Yes, the article is full of micro aggressions and is clearly an attempt to undermine Sam Wilson.  We want no part in that.  We only want to help people, not tear good people down.”

Bucky hustles Bob into the building and leaves him with Walker and Alexei.  He takes the stairs in leaping bounds and finds Sam standing at the top of the stairwell smirking.

“You really take stairs five at a time?  That’s just showing off.  I see you got Alexei back under containment.”

“Yelena is talking to the press, but she seems…  She’s better than Alexei or Bob.  Or me.”

“She seems like a natural leader,” Sam says, looking deep in thought.  “You can build a team around her.  You can make this work.  You’ll get Val to fund them and when Val is in jail, you can help them break all ties with the government and work independently.  They need you right now, but Yelena has some Twilight Sparkle energy.  She can lead this team.  I’ll need to keep my distance while Val is involved, but you can do this.  The one thing a person like Val is never prepared for is for people to value something more than themselves and their personal desires.  Val isn’t ready for you.  She never will be.”

“I don’t want to do this.  I don’t want…” Anything that takes me farther away from you.  Val expects people to be selfish .   It’s generally a solid bet.

Sam gives Bucky a tight hug before looking him in the eyes and saying, “We won’t let anything get in between us.”

This time, Bucky looks Sam in the eyes and agrees. “I’m not going to let anything get between us.  But, Sam… I don’t think I can handle this.”

Sam flashes that 1000 watt smile that makes it hard to think and says, “I respectfully disagree.”

Chapter Text

Looking at them now, Bucky appreciates the effect of a team uniform. The five of them are sitting far too close, squeezing together on one couch for no good reason when there are plenty of other places to sit in the suite. They are trapped in a hotel together, but still clinging to one another like they might somehow be torn apart. There is nothing openly affectionate in their interactions. They are more like puppies piling on one another for warmth.

The identical clothing emphasizes the way they move as a group. Bucky files that observation away for later.

Currently, they are all wearing tee-shirts and sweatpants emblazoned with Sam's Captain America logo. The clothes were a gift from a sportswear company courting Sam for an endorsement, and Sam generously donated a whole suitcase full of assorted clothing items so the team could wash their uniforms and be a little more comfortable.  

It never even occurred to Bucky to get them clothes. It never occurred to the rest of the team to ask.

Of course, the clothes are all in Sam's size, so the whole team looks fucking ridiculous. Alexei’s shirt keeps riding up his stomach like a crop top while Yelena could wear her shirt as a rather modest dress. Walker’s sweatpants are several inches above his ankles. Only Bob looks fairly normal in his slightly oversized clothes. Bucky gets the feeling Bob prefers a wardrobe that affords him room to hide.  

“Tell Sam we really appreciate the clothes,” Bob says. “And the extra room. We’re all a lot more comfortable and less…”

“Ready to murder each other every time a car alarm goes off?” Walker offers.

“Yeah,” Bob agrees, again looking haunted. “That.”

“Sam is so sweet and thoughtful,” Ava sighs, looking down at her patriotic clothing. “I hate to be that girl but… the second you mess up, Bucky, I am going to swoop in and steal your man. Imagine the headlines: Captain America gets Starr-Spangled.”

“We are a team,” Yelena snaps. “There will be no man-stealing. But Starr-Spangled is pretty good. You could put that on a tee-shirt. It’s cute.”

“Captain America and Winter Soldier cannot be broken apart,” Alexei argues. “They are classic enemies to colleagues to friends to lovers story. Nothing will ever get between them.”

“Is Sam going to drop by for any of this?” Walker asks. “It seemed like he had some ideas.”

“Sam wants nothing to do with any of this,” Bucky explains firmly. “As long as we are working for the government, he’s not going to touch this team with a ten-foot pole.”

Alexei wails and drops his head into his hands, “So it is true. You are in your ‘divorce era’. I knew it! The world is a dark and cold place.”

“We’re not… Sam and I disagree sometimes. It’s not a big deal,” Bucky lies. It’s always a big deal when he disagrees with Sam. It’s probably for the best that Bucky is already squirming through their conversation. It will add verisimilitude to the apparent conflict between them. Neither Sam nor Bucky are particularly good at lying, so they have agreed to stick to half-truths and obfuscation. Sam strongly disapproves of any Avengers working for the government, and Bucky is going to lead the New Avengers. If the world assumes that means they are not actively working together… they can't be responsible for other people's assumptions. Everyone knows what happens when you assume.

“Sam’s not like… mad at us or anything, right?” Walker asks, trying and failing to not seem overly concerned. “He knows Val’s definitely trying to murder us, right?”

“She’s trying to murder you guys?” Bob asks. “Isn’t she the head of the CIA? Why would she want to kill the New Avengers?”

Everyone becomes fascinated with something that involves not looking at Bob while Yelena pats his knee and says, “There are a few little details you’ve missed out on, but we’ll fill you in. Later. Eventually. Probably.”

Bucky stares at his shoes and says, “Sam’s not mad at any of you guys. He doesn’t blame you.”

Bucky looks up and sees the whole team staring at him sympathetically. It’s kind of cute. The fact that they are all wearing Sam’s clothes only makes them more endearing. 

 “We need to arrest Val and then we need to break ties with the government,” Bucky begins.

“After we get some new gear,” John adds, “I’m thinking of a new helmet.”

“But why?” asks Yelena, “Your helmet really shows off your square jaw. It makes your whole head look very square. Cube-like. It's a very good look.”

“That old guy from the movie ‘Up’ look is so in these days,” Ava adds. “You should lean into it.”

“You can’t trust anything from Val,” Bucky interrupts before they get too lost in their banter. “Anything she gives you will be in some way compromised, including cash. We can’t trust anything from her.”

“Oh no,” Ava says drily. “I guess we’ll have to learn to launder money. I hope someone here has spent years having to scrub everything that passed through their hands. Couldn’t be me.”

“I hear there is something called a Black Market,” Yelena adds, looking wide-eyed and innocent. “None of us would ever break the law, obviously, but I guess we could look into it if we have to.”

“Val isn’t some politician with a toe in the underworld. She knows what she’s doing,” Bucky warns, concerned by the team’s apparent lack of concern. While they have all been managing to survive underground, Val has been thriving. She’s on another level.

“Yeah, she was raised in that world,” Bob agrees.

The whole team stares at Bob, and Walker asks - in his best attempt at a friendly tone, “How do you know that, Bobby?”

Bob opens and closes his mouth a few times before letting his shoulders slump. “I don’t know. I felt like I knew for a moment… but I don’t know why I thought I knew… It’s like a memory I can’t quite pull up. Maybe I’m just making things up.”  

Yelena gives Bob a sad smile and pats his leg while Alexei shakes Bob’s shoulder hard enough to make the younger man wince while saying, “Don’t worry, little man, it’s probably just the meth.”

“So if we get Val to hook us up with some new supplies and we put her in jail, then what?” Yelena asks. “We just go back to our miserable lives with some new gear?”

“Or you stay a team with a new name,” Bucky suggests as their faces fall. “If you can make some connections and build your reputation…”

“Why are you saying ‘you’ not ‘we’?”, Yelena asks sharply. “Are you going to be a real Avenger instead?”

“I’m… not sure what I’m going to do, but I don’t want to fight anymore.”

Alexei laughs at that. “Oh, Bucky,” he says, not unkindly, “The fighting never stops. Even in solitary confinement, even when you are sleeping… the fighting never stops.”

Walker and Yelena’s eyes glaze over with Alexei’s undeniably true words, but Ava shakes her head furiously. “It can be different for Bucky. He’s in love with a beautiful man with a beautiful mission and they can fight for… fine, they’re still fighting but they are fighting for something worth having. Isn’t that what we all want? Something real?”

Walker twitches, then shakes off his haunted look and narrows his eyes at Ava, “I thought you were going to steal Bucky’s man out from under him.”

“Only if he fucks up,” Ava responds in a haughty tone. “Don’t fuck up, Bucky, and you’ll be fine.”

Val doesn’t contact anyone directly, but they are all given instructions to meet at the former Avenger’s Tower. They come armed and ready for an attack, but there is no hidden trap waiting for them - just a terrified Mel who tries to stop sobbing long enough to give them a powerpoint presentation on Val’s plans for the team.  

“The New Avengers will bring hope to people who…” Mel sniffs and takes a deep breath, “... who have lost all hope and… I don’t want to die!”

“You’re not going to die,” Bob says at the same time that Yelena says, “We’re all waiting to be murdered at any moment. Crying isn’t going to change that.”

“I just wanted to do good!” Mel cries. “I never wanted to hurt anyone!”

“But that’s not how it worked out, is it?” Ava points out. “You ended up on the wrong team and now you’re fucked just like the rest of us. Take a deep breath and tell us about our first mission.”

“You don’t understand,” Mel explains, borderline hysterical. “You don’t know what she’s capable of.”

Walker rolls his eyes. “We do know and we’ve all been complicit, including you, so let’s talk about media training.”

“Why are you so obsessed with media training?” Ava sneers. “Is that all you care about? How we look on TV?”

“All that matters is how we look on TV,” Walker counters. “Trust me, the difference between getting a medal and getting spit on isn’t about what you do, it’s about the media spin.”

“I’m so scared,” Mel whimpers, covering her face like a child as she cries. Bucky is about to attempt to comfort her when Alexei walks over to her and puts a hand on her shoulder.

“We are all scared, times are very scary, but we are together. It is better to be scared with friends than to be scared and alone. Now take a deep breath… and tell us about our first mission. The New Avengers are very busy people.”

Bucky is filled with dread as he knocks on Sam’s door. It’s been months and they haven’t gotten anywhere near Val. She’s throwing missions at them left and right and sending terrified underlings to do all her dirty work for her. Nothing is working out as planned in terms of bringing the saga of the New Avengers to an end.

Bucky feels good about the team. The potential is there. Yelena has the makings of a strong leader, but like the rest of the team, she is still working on her interpersonal skills. They fight and bicker and test one another’s limits, but they have managed to stay a team. No one wants to be alone again, so they make it work.  

And that’s why Bucky can’t walk away or shut it down. They are better together. They are better fighters because they train together. They are a tighter team because they live together. They are better people because they hold each other accountable.   

Leading the team is exhausting, but Bucky knows he will miss it when he leaves. They are a handful individually and as a team, but the experience has reminded him of how far he has come in his own healing, and it feels good to be able to offer guidance and hope. It feels good to be the sanest person in a room. 

But then he spends time with Sam (almost always the sanest man in any given room) and is reminded that every bit of success for the New Avengers is a new reason for Val to want to punish them. The longer the game goes on, the more risk to everyone involved. Sam thinks Bucky has lost the plot. Bucky knows he never, ever had the plot and it was always inevitable that he would get tangled up in his own feelings.  

Bucky finds himself thinking of that first shame room, of his younger self pushing Steve to get a laugh. He spent his youth trying to never again feel the shame of being a bully. He knows how it feels to be a million miles from the person you wanted to be, and to spend your days avoiding mirrors and reflective surfaces because you don’t want to be reminded of the person you’ve become. Bucky hasn’t exactly left those days in the past, but he knows things can get better. He knows there is a reason to keep trying.

He knows it isn’t a battle a person can fight alone. They need each other, and right now, they still need Bucky.

But Bucky needs Sam.

Sam opens the door and gives Bucky a wolf whistle.  

Bucky had been so in his head about a possible fight with Sam that he forgot about his ‘new look’.  

“Prince Charming, you're going to have to get out of here, because I have a grumpy old man coming over tonight. I don't want him getting jealous catching me talking to someone that just stepped off the cover of a romance novel.”

“Val gave us makeovers.”

“Today?” Sam asks, as he pulls Bucky into his apartment. Sam is clearly making a valiant effort not to laugh at Bucky’s suffering, but his amusement is contagious.

“Yesterday,” Bucky clarifies. “I tried washing it, but this is just what my hair does now.”

“Val is a horrible person, but she does have good taste,” Sam responds, trying hard to look serious. “That haircut is bulletproof.”

“We also got new uniforms,” Bucky adds, showing Sam pictures on his phone. 

“Is that a star on your arm?” Sam asks. The laughter is gone from his eyes and he is looking at Bucky with genuine concern. Sam cares so much. It fills Bucky with a mix of joy and terror to feel so seen and understood.  

Bucky was the one who suggested some kind of matching uniform, and of course Val had him styled him as the Winter Soldier. It’s something that would have been triggering for him even a few months ago, but he has never felt farther away from being the Winter Soldier. Constantly reminding others that they don't have to be forever defined by their past helps him to feel the distance from his own. It’s better if Val is directing her spite at Bucky. He’s a lot harder to trigger than the rest of the team.  

That’s how he feels today, at least. Tomorrow might be a different story.

“Yeah. She’s the worst, but they are good tactical suits. The team is searching them for tracking and listening devices now.”

“Do you want me to ask Joaquin to take a look?”

“Yes, please,” Bucky answers, grateful he didn’t have to ask. “I don’t want to take him away from Avengers business but… yes, please.”

“Joaquin says keeping you safe is part of his job.”

“And why is that?”

“Something about me being moody when I’m in my feelings. I couldn’t hear the rest because I was shoving his face into a training mat at the time.”

“Were you guys training when he brought it up?”

“Nope.”

Bucky smirks at the mental image. He is deeply grateful for Joaquin’s technical expertise and willingness to share his gifts, but his baseline energy is reminiscent of a child after too much sugar - bouncing off the walls and talking a mile a minute. It’s hard not to feel old around Joaquin.  

Bucky pulls Sam in for a kiss. Bucky knows he puts Sam on a pedestal because Bucky’s always done that with the people he loves, but Sam is so lovely. He’s beautiful and he smells good and his voice is warm and sexy and Bucky’s romantic kiss quickly leads to him trying to get Sam out of his clothes while still standing in the living room.

Sam laughs and tugs his shirt back into place.  

“Slow down, old man, we should probably talk business before getting naked.”

“But you might not want…” me. Bucky can’t say that part out loud. “Maybe you won’t be in the mood later.”

“I don’t do that,” Sam says, looking serious and a little hurt.

“Do what?”

“I don’t withhold sex as some kind of…”

“I wasn’t saying that,” Bucky argues. It’s already going sideways and they haven’t even touched on Bucky’s lack of progress. “I don’t think that. I just mean…”

“I know it might seem like that,” Sam explains, suddenly earnest, “but that’s not what… If I’m not in the right headspace…”

“You don’t have to explain yourself. I don’t want you to do anything that feels forced. I just…” Bucky trails off because there’s no real end to that sentence. Sam doesn’t do angry sex and Sam is going to be angry with Bucky after they talk. Bucky desperately wants to be held and to forget about the real world for a bit, but he’s the author of his own pain. He knows his focus should be on bringing Val to justice, whatever it takes, but he’s a predictable sap and Val plays him like a violin. There’s always a mission he can’t ignore. There’s always a threat to a member of the team that makes him feel he needs to intervene. Bucky should be focused on his real mission, but instead he’s giving a slight degree of legitimacy to the New Avengers while Sam is catching strays as he tries to build his own team.

This time, it’s Sam that kisses Bucky, tender kisses that turn more passionate until Sam is guiding them towards the bedroom.  

As much as Bucky wants to fall into the moment, he doesn’t want to manipulate Sam into sex.  

“We can talk first…”

“If I’m not in the mood for sex later, it’s going to be because my brain never shuts up, not because I don’t love you or because I don’t want you,” Sam explains, again sounding very earnest, like Bucky has ever had a reason to question his sincerity. “I don’t want to miss an opportunity to be with you and I really don’t want to miss my chance to go to bed with all the Disney princes wrapped up in one gorgeous package.”

Bucky scoops Sam off his feet and walks him into the bedroom where he does his best to keep Sam from thinking, or speaking, for a very long while.

Bucky can’t put off talking forever. He ends up filling Sam in on all the goals he has failed to accomplish while they are still naked in bed. Sam normally likes to keep shoptalk out of the bedroom, but he’s breaking all his own rules today.

“I hear you, Bucky,” Sam says, trying and failing to not look pissed off, “but I can’t stay in a holding pattern. I’m going to have to start moving forward with the lawsuits…”

“Sam,” Bucky says before realizing he doesn’t have a single reasonable argument he can make. Sam needs to push back on Val and protect his ownership of the Avengers name. The fact that it will hurt Yelena’s feelings and bruise Alexei’s fragile ego is irrelevant. As much as Ava and Walker want to be seen as heroes, they’ve remained pragmatic. They are trying to build their skills (and arsenal of weapons) and they accept the constant criticism hurled at the team as inevitable. Yelena, on the other hand, is desperately trying to turn the tide and have the team be seen as legitimate heroes. She has pinned all her hopes of having a life worth living on the New Avengers.

Alexei wants to be a hero because he’s a broken shell of a man whose only real human connection is to the child soldier he never wanted to care about. Bucky hates the way he understands Alexei. It’s like a funhouse mirror - grossly distorted but familiar. Bucky spent years researching himself and trying to play the role of Bucky Barnes so that Steve could feel good about saving his friend. Once Steve was gone, Bucky was left to try and actually become a real person on his own and it has been a daunting task. As frustrating as it is when Alexei throws his tantrums or falls into a morose state for days at a time after a harsh media critique, Bucky understands what it is like to feel like you don't exist beyond what other people see when they look at you.

“I don’t want to undermine what you’re doing with the team,” Sam explains. He’s not making eye contact, which is never a good sign. “I can’t let Val play me the way she’s clearly playing you. I have a responsibility here that goes beyond what you want and what I want.”

“I know,” Bucky agrees. “It’s my fault I’m still stuck in the same place. I just…”

Sam kisses the top of Bucky’s head. “I know. You’re such a softie for a man that’s half-vibranium. You’ll figure it out. Val is tough and crazy, but you’re tougher and crazier.”

“I bet you say that to all the WWII vets.”

“Only the cute ones with beautiful coiffures."

“I hate you, Sam.”

“I love you, too, Bucky.”

Bucky gives Sam a quick kiss and is pleased when Sam turns his somewhat chaste kiss into something a lot more sensual. He’s surprised when Sam starts kissing his way down Bucky’s chest.

“Are you sure you…”

“The talking and thinking portion of this evening is officially over,” Sam insists, giving Bucky a heated look. “This is ‘lie there and look pretty’ time.”

Bucky is grateful that they are, for the moment, back in full agreement.

In the morning, Bucky needs to get back to his team and Sam needs to fly out for another mission. They make love before showering and again in the shower. Other than a moment when Bucky nearly loses his grip on a very soapy Sam, it’s a perfect morning. Bucky knows he’s being too much, but there’s always part of him wondering if this will be the last time he’s allowed to touch Sam. He’s always waiting for the inevitable mistake that will push Sam away forever.

Sam notices Bucky is in his head and asks what’s wrong.

“Nothing,” Bucky lies. “I’m just thinking of what to say to the team.”

Sam gives him a kiss and a 1000 watt smile. “Tell them you talked to me, and it went poorly.”

Bucky kisses Sam one more time and says, “For the record, I never came close to actually dropping you in the shower. I had complete control of the situation.”

“Tell it to the judge, baby. I’ll see you in court.”