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Chapter Text

Outside, the sky had opened up just enough to let a drizzle of rain begin to fall. It had began to darken outside as the sun began to set. The colours of the sky changing as the sun lowered itself further and further, until all light from the sun disappeared from the sky. Overhead, it was the dark of night that blanketed Cang Qiong Mountain. Stars scattered about like flicks of paint across a canvas.

In Bai Zhan Peak, there were only three people present. All the other disciples had joined the other peaks and attended a celebration elsewhere. Lanterns had been lit for the occasion, candles with burning flames placed carefully inside each of them. Illuminating some of the pathways, even as far out as Bai Zhan Peak. If one looked outside their window, they could see the scattered, guiding lights.

Earlier in the week, the younger disciples had set about making decorations for this night. Different pieces of coloured paper were hung up between the branches of trees, while other decorations had been set up elsewhere. A fire had been set ablaze for people to sit by to warm themselves up. The night air was chilled, everyone dressed for the occasion.

Bundled up to keep themselves warm as the cold air breezed through the leaves in the trees. Rustling some of the decorations where they'd been precariously set up. A lively atmosphere spread amongst the disciples and cultivators. Conversation and laughter spread between them, irrespective of what peak anyone belonged to. Mingling together and spending the night warming each other up with their company.

Liu Mingyan had gone out when the festivities had first begun. Even Liu Qingge had shown his face around. But Liu Mingyan, who was instructed by Qi Qingqi to make sure nobody bothered her girls, quickly tired of having to stand there and watch on. Harmless flirting didn't bother her, and she watched on as a few young disciples pushed each other around and laughed.

Egging each other on and psyching one another to go up to her and say something. Some of the more confident ones feel like they can do it, before they back down and hide behind their friends. It's not often any of them get to see Liu Mingyan, especially not so close. Many of them gathered to watch on. Mouths open as they stare her down openly.

While she has a great understanding for their actions. Enduring them is another matter, and she managed to find someone to swap out with eventually. Bidding Qi Qingqi farewell as she departed for the night. She hadn't seen her brother for a while, and he'd suffered much the same fate as herself. He'd been followed around by a small group of persistent women for most of the night.

Dolled up and gorgeous in their gowns, with makeup decorating their pretty faces. Each of them a different colour, some the lighter shades of orange and pink while a few were beautiful in darker shades of purple and blue. All of them wanted to cling to him, wandering aloud about what it is he's interested in. Each of them wanting him to look their way.

Spare them just a glance so they can tell the other girls that he looked at her. It got to a point though, and somehow Liu Qingge had managed to extract himself from the evenings events before anyone could notice. The women had lamented the loss of him, had even looked around for a while hoping to still catch a glimpse of him. But they eventually had to accept their losses and find the next best man in line.

It's how, now that the sky was completely black and the night had carried up festively, Liu Qingge had retreated to his house at the back of Bai Zhan Peak. For anyone to disturb him here would be bold and idiotic. Frankly, nobody was willing to take such a risk. Which meant once he'd escaped, he was mostly undisturbed that evening save for when his sister showed up.

Liu Qingge hadn't left alone when he came back to Bai Zhan Peak. Yang Yixuan had noticed his departure and sidled up alongside him. He kept his voice down and didn't bother his Shizun as they left. As a result, he was treated to steamed pork buns when he returned back with Liu Qingge. Pleased as he sat at the table in the lit main room of Liu Qingge's house.

When Liu Mingyan escaped and showed up, Liu Qingge prepared her sweet lotus root with osmanthus and glutinous rice. He'd more or less expected to see her, having seen how her night had been going. She'd only just come back from a mission as well. Despite her weariness, she happily sat herself down at the table and quietly ate. To be able to eat in peace was a blessing, and she was warmed by the comfort of her brother's house.

Cheeks flushed as the warm food heated Yang Yixuan well, he happily called out, "Liu-shimei."

"Hmm?"

"Isn't Shizun so dependable."

Stiffening where he stands in the kitchen preparing tea. Liu Qingge had to physically restrain himself from turning around and glaring. Instead, choosing to pretend he hadn't heard his disciple speaking. Listening to the water as it boils before taking it off the heat. Qi Qingqi had showed him a few different types of tea lately and he'd actually found one he didn't mind drinking finally.

For the most part he drank tea out of politeness. Usually, it was what he was served. Liu Qingge, for all he fancied complaining about, didn't quite like to speak out against people's well-intentioned hospitality. But finally, he'd actually found something he could brew for himself. The hot tea warmed his hands as he held his won cup and set everything on the table between them all.

"He's always been very reliable." Liu Mingyan said softly, lips stained as she ate her fill of the snack her brother had prepared.

Waving the meat bun around in his hand, Yang Yixuan rushed to say, "Of course! But he's so-,"

Gesturing around for a while, it seemed like Yang Yixuan couldn't exactly find the word he wanted to use. On top of that, Liu Qingge had finally sat down with them and Yang Yixuan didn't think he could get away with talking about this topic much further. Despite cutting himself off and the silence that followed, Liu Mingyan thought she understood his intentions well.

Although her brother had done a lot for her, and she'd been amazed by him since they were only young. There was something softer about him now. The fact that he came back to a house now, and had other people in it was such a pleasant change. Instead of spending all his evenings alone. Despite having instructed their training, the peak's other disciples didn't quite compare to having his own first disciple.

Changing him for the better and improving his image as a Peak Lord. Liu Mingyan had watched on and Liu Qingge seemed to settle into a better life than what had been laid out for him years prior. There was a bitter taste in her mouth though, as she considered the cause of this change. The person who had softened him up, just to leave him behind.

Not that she blamed Shen Qingqiu at all. His life was his own and he shouldn't feel responsible or her big brother, they were both undoubtedly adults. But Liu Mingyan had watched her brother blossom under Shen Qingqiu's attention. Not exactly changing his entire being, but softening his edges and sweetening up. Only to realize that he was not someone Shen Qingqiu couldn't leave behind.

Meaning, while Liu Mingyan as delighted that her brother was more personable then ever, even if he still had a roughness to him hat he's always carried. She knows very well, just what it took for Liu Qingge to get to this point and what it's done to him. He's more sensitive then ever, and that's why it affected him so much when Shen Qingqiu left to go adventure with Lou Binghe.

Again for emphasis, Liu Mingyan didn't blame Shen Qingqiu. She'd spent quite a lot of time staring at Binghe. He was the sweetest boy and incredibly dedicated, it was easy to see that he'd literally swept Shen Qingqiu off his feet. But she's spent time with her brother all this time since. Witnessed him mourn the loss of something he was never going to have.

Steamed pork bun still in his mouth, Yang Yixuan seemed to be half asleep at the table. Having exhausted himself during the day and left attempting to stay up late with cultivators older than himself. He'd grown since Liu Qingge took him in. Yet there as still a long way to go for him, instead of being discouraged about it, he was encouraged to do his best until he could compare to his Shizun.

"We should probably get him off to bed." With the comfortable silence lingering in the room, Yang Yixuan had given into exhaustion and Liu Mingyan couldn't bear to watch him fall asleep at the table.

"Let me just-,"

Cut off by the sound of approaching footsteps. A handful of loud knocks in quick succession sounded on the front door. Yang Yixuan shot upright and his eyes flew open, looking around wide eyed as he startled himself awake. Liu Qingge cursed under his breath as he glared towards the door, hoping the other person would catch a hint and leave if he didn't open it.

Nobody would typically be brave enough to venture out this far. Especially not to disturb Liu Qingge when he clearly didn't want to be bothered. Yet, this person was persistent as they kept knocking, and a few calls for Liu Qingge could be heard. The voice sounded familiar enough and Liu Qingge finally pushed himself up and away from the table, moving towards the front door.

Opening the door with enough force to fling it against the wall behind it, had Liu Qingge not been gripping it so hard. Liu Qingge made for quite a sight, standing in his own doorway. Dressed down for the evening with his hair loose. He hadn't quite gotten out of his usual clothes, so he didn't appear too unsightly. It still felt intimidating to meet his stare even with him looking more comfortable than usual.

"Sorry." A squeaked out apology was followed up with a full bow before the disciple rightened themselves. "I'm so sorry for disturbing you but I didn't know who else to go to."

Even with a fierce expression on his face, the words that came out of Liu Qingge's mouth were, "What's happened?"

"We were-, I mean I was out in the backwoods meeting with someone and-,"

Stammering over every few words, the disciple found it hard to explain themselves clearly. Their cheeks were dusted with pink as they tried to explain how they'd gone to meet up with another disciple. Clearly hoping to use the festivities as a cover. Slipping away to meet with someone privately. It took a while and by the end of it the disciples ears were glowing red.

"It's easier if I just take you there, I don't know how to explain it."

After explaining why they were there, they also struggled to explain exactly what happened. Their appearance as frantic though, playing with their fingers to try ease the anxious shivering thrumming through their body. Clearly, they were worried about getting into trouble. Worried about bringing a Peak Lord out to handle whatever this situation was, it was clear though, that they didn't think they had another choice.

Walking along the paths illuminated by the lanterns, the three of them collected themselves and left Liu Qingge's house together. Following behind the young disciple who wasn't from Bai Zhan Peak, who had nonetheless, used the peak to meet up with someone. They made their way along the main footpaths used, before going off the trail and finding themselves in a thick, dense array of trees.

Pushing through it as the disciple stammered out, "They seriously just appeared there, we don't know where they came from."

Through the trees, they made it into an opening. On their knees in the secluded patch of grass, was a young Bai Zhan Peak disciple. Which would explain why they'd deemed it sensible to come to this peak. Less chance of anyone wandering around, and Liu Qingge didn't make trips around his peak to monitor his disciples. With frantic arm movements, the disciple on their knees worried over something.

Clearly trying to calm down someone, if the words they kept saying over and over again were anything to go by. Basically pleading someone to not get up, to please just stay here in one spot so they could figure this out. They were apparently very worried, voice strained as they flickered through emotions. Wanting to hold the person down and restrain them, but also not wanting to lay their hands on someone.

Hearing footsteps approaching from behind, the disciple's head whipped around. Under perhaps any other circumstance, seeing the Peak Lord approaching would not fill a disciple with anything but dread. In this moment however, this was somehow the best outcome. The disciple had begged their companion to go find him while they stayed here with the person, whoever they were.

"I was so worried you weren't going to find him!"

"Don't worry, Liu-shishu is a reliable man! He came as soon as he heard we needed help." Came the anxious reply, still genuine even as they worried.

Off to the side Yang Yixuan smiled at this comment, basically glowing as he turned to his Shizun and said, "You've become so approachable. Look at these disciples, coming to you for help."

Rolling his eyes and not gracing that comments with a response. Liu Qingge approached the Bai Zhan Peak disciple who was blocking his view of the other person. No alarms had gone off, so it couldn't be that someone had broken in. An enemy approach would've been noticed, even on a night like this. People were still guarding the mountain and each of the sects properly.

"Explain it to me, properly this time." Liu Qingge said carefully, emphasizing how the earlier explanation from the other disciple hadn't cut it.

But as the disciple from his peak started speaking. Liu Qingge finally laid eyes upon the person left on the ground. Eyes a little hazy but attempting to focus on each person present, racing to take in the new people who'd approached. Sizing everyone up, and deciding who is the biggest threat. Their body language wasn't radiating any amount of fear exactly, but they were clearly on edge.

Left on the ground, the disciple properly stepped away as Liu Qingge approached. Although they were doing as asked, Liu Qingge didn't have the mind to even pay enough attention to what was being explained. What he'd laid eyes on, Liu Qingge couldn't understand. With his body now blocking the body more than the disciple's had, the two who'd come with him couldn't see.

As they moved around Liu Qingge to get a better look as well. Each of them understood what had caught Liu Qingge off guard. None of them spoke as the disciple prattled on about how they'd been out here, just the two of them. When they'd finally noticed someone out of the corner of their eyes. Messy and frightening in that moment, the two of them had decided they couldn't handle this alone.

Barely acknowledging the story being told, Liu Qingge couldn't help but uncharacteristically stutter out, "S-Shen Qingqiu?"

Chapter Text

Not even a slight flicker of recognition past over the person's face as Liu Qingge uttered that name. Even though Liu Qingge was sure of it when he said it, the lack of reaction made him falter a little in his confidence. However, the disciples around him who hadn't seen it at first, all took a closer look. Then they began talking amongst themselves animatedly, about how this one did look a lot like Peak Lord Shen Qingqiu.

Although the finer details weren't accurate to what they could remember. It was as if they were looking at an imagined version of what Shen Qingqiu might've looked like in his youth, with softer features and a smaller frame. Eyes that were focused in on them, watching but rounded and not quite as sharp as they remembered. Also, he lacked the refined air he built himself up into.

Standing leagues above the rest as a Peak Lord, Shen Qingqiu had always seemed perfect for the job. Not quite as someone who was meant to look after young children or raise disciples. But as someone who managed a perfect poker face, getting information out of his opponents without them even realizing it all the while keeping all of his own information and thoughts to himself.

Quick witted and with a sharp tongue. There was no encounter Shen Qingqiu couldn't work himself through without remaining on top. Though the years seemed to soften him again, and the man he became was gentler and less on edge. All of them could remember how he'd once been quite vividly. This version of him, if it actually was him, it seemed was a mid-way point between the man he was and the man he became.

Though he was on edge, he didn't quite give off an air of hostility or anger. More than anything his body language seemed cautious and on guard. It didn't quite lack in fierceness, and none of the disciples would dear even try their chances against this version of him. It was just that there was something about him, on the ground covered in smudges of dirt and foliage, that made them feel pity, almost.

Liu Qingge differed from these disciples though. Whereas none of them had seen Shen Qingqiu like this before, and therefore this version of him was like an image of how he could've appeared all those years ago. To Liu Qingge, he was almost the splitting image of what he looked like when they'd first met. That being said, not even the version Liu Qingge had met quite looked like this.

When Liu Qingge moved them from the outskirts of Bai Zhan Peak over to Qian Cao Peak, his thoughts were confirmed, "Visibly, he looks to be about eighteen to nineteen years old. Mentally, it's hard to tell at this stage. From what I can test, he's either unresponsive or he's lost the capacity to do most things. These things could come back to him, but we'd have to wait and see."

"Do you think it's really him?"

"It's possible, I presume." Mu Qingfang reasoned, not one to discount any options until they've been properly disproven. "We've sent word out to see if we can contact Shen-shixiong, to see if something's happened to his body. From what I've discussed with Shen-shixiong in the past, it's not entirely impossible to recreate a human's body, it's just inserting he soul into it, which can be difficult."

Looking at the version of Shen Qingqiu they were faced with, sat upon a bed to be examined. Liu Qingge couldn't help but give him another once over, something he'd done numerous times since first laying eyes on him. Left on the ground as he had been, they'd all assumed he looked so messy because he'd been outside. Perhaps lost in the nature surrounding Bai Zhan Peak.

Besides the smudges of dirt across his arms and his face. Neither himself nor Mu Qingfang had been able to completely clean him down. Pale jade-like skin, discoloured in parts across his skin. They couldn't tell if they were bruises or something else, and he didn't react when they were pressed. On other parts of his skin, an almost honeycomb pattern of light, flexible material spread across.

When Liu Qingge has stepped forward and helped him finally stand up from the floor, no longer urged to stay down by the Bai Zhan Peak disciple. It had quickly become apparent that the boy couldn't stand by himself, let alone walk. Yang Yixuan had offered to carry him for Liu Qingge, boasting about his strength. Even as he'd had to say it around a yawn, rubbing one of his eyes as the other stayed outstretched in offering.

That was when he'd remembered how late it was. Although he received refusals and complaints in return, he sent the lot of them back off to their rooms. Imploring his younger sister to take Yang Yixuan back and make sure he returns to his room. The other two disciples were less eager to fight back against Liu Qingge's orders, all too happy to finally escape this situation.

"What am I meant to do if something bad happens to you? If I'm not there with you-,"

Cutting him off with an often unused degree of gentleness, "Then I'll need you in top condition. I promise I won't need you in the next few hours, I'll keep everything under control. Don't doubt this Shizun of yours so easily. Come find me in better condition tomorrow and you can do something then, when you aren't yawning with every second word."

"Okay. I understand, Shizun."

Not wanting to actually disagree too much with the Shizun he respects. Yang Yixuan eventually gave in, trudging off after Liu Mingyan who also promised to come find him tomorrow and see how things had developed. Left alone as they were, Liu Qingge felt more comfortable picking up Shen Qingqiu into his arms. The boy startled at first, not exactly having expected it.

His body was tense as Liu Qingge carried him. But he didn't struggle out of his grip. Something that Liu Qingge was thankful for, because he didn't want to drop him on the way and have to explain it to Mu Qingfang. Liu Qingge had wanted to find some words that might comfort him, whoever he did indeed turn out to be. Nothing came to mind though, and they spent the entire walk in awkward silence.

Now, as Liu Qingge stood there after Shen Qingqiu's examination, his eyes once again went back to the odd ring of colour around the eyes staring back at him. Despite his clear apprehension, Shen Qingqiu hadn't turned his gaze away from Liu Qingge unless it was guided away by Mu Qingfang. His eyes were clear in colour but seemingly unfocused, black at the centre with a ring of green around it.

"All his reactions are mild at best." Mu Qingfang went on to explain, "It's clear that he can see, hear and respond to stimuli. But it would be a stark difference to our Shen-shixiong's results if he were to do the same thing right now."

"He's still not speaking?"

Nodding his head in agreement, "Though he's not unfamiliar with the act, when I tried with him, he looked like he was on the verge of saying something. It also appears that there's things he wants to say. Either he lost the ability to or perhaps he's regaining the ability to, slowly. If this is indeed the sun-moon dew mushroom that Shen-shixiong employed, then it's possible that this happened to or could've happened to him as well."

Given none of them were around to see Shen Qingqiu as his soul first came into that body. Nor the immediate time after he acclimated to the body, it was hard to gauge whether or not this was a normal reaction. If this was even the sun-moon dew mushroom to begin with. This wasn't a situation they'd ever had to face before, too much uncertainty and too many unknown's to take into consideration.

By the time Mu Qingfang had completely finished conducting all the tests he could think of. The sun was beginning to rise over the horizon. Lantern light fading out as the sun began to illuminate the mountain peaks. Birds stretched their wings as they pushed off their ledged and flew into the sky overhead. Qian Cao Peak was a peak full of early risers, so many of them would be leaving their bedrooms within the next hour so rustling and movement could be heard.

"I've taken up much of your time."

Though it wasn't exactly an apology, Mu Qingfang reassured Liu Qingge easily, "You needn't worry. It's not like I've had much to do lately, what with everything now quiet and reasonably settled."

Liu Qingge knew exactly what Mu Qingfang was referring to. Although they'd heard from Shen Qingqiu that there were difficulties on the demon's side. With demon's trying to rise up and face off against Lou Binghe. For the rest of the cultivators, things had gone from hectic to almost serenely peaceful. Most of the missions they've been recently called away to are simple concerns from villagers.

Help needed with the fields or delivering goods. Things they'd only been able to tend to, if they'd had a quiet moment amongst all the mess they'd been handling at the time. Now, so much of that chaos had died down that sometimes they villagers had to make up things for the young disciples to do. Letting them get out there and begin to learn the ways of the world.

While pondering what they could possibly do next, the doors to this private room were thrown open. Instinctively, Liu Qingge moved to stand in front of Shen Qingqiu and protect him. Shielding him from whatever was pushing their way into the room. No announcement had been made, just a collective of multiple bodies rushing into the room. Voices loud once they laid eyes on the two of them.

"Shidi! I heard from your sister that something's happened."

Gossip and information travels fast because Qi Qingqi hadn't come in alone. Standing behind her in the doorway on either side of her, was Shang Qinghua who'd actually been in An Ding Peak on this rare occasion, and Yue Qingyuan who hadn't yet gone to bed. Wei Qingwei stood a little further back, somehow trying to play at being not all that interested even as he'd rushed over from Wan Jian Peak.

"You found a body I heard?" Shang Qinghua almost squealed, truly hoping it hadn't been a dead body.

"Our alarm system wasn't activated, should we be concerned?"

Yue Qingyuan was the most reasonable voice amongst the loud voices of the Peak Lords. However, Liu Qingge wasn't at all pleased to hear their loud voices all at once. As they started up another round of questioning, he snapped and told them all to be quiet. What were they thinking, barging in here and acting like this. Only then did they realize he was currently holding one arm out, like he was protecting something behind himself.

Seeing Liu Qingge's displeasure, Mu Qingfang butted in to reason with the other Peak lords, "Please do keep your voices down. We don't want to startle him any further, he already seems confused and disorientated as is."

Although he didn't want to, at Mu Qingfang's urging, Liu Qingge stopped standing in front of Shen Qingqiu. Revealing the boy to the waiting eyes of the different Peak Lords who were all eager to get a look. Unlike with the disciples, these Peak Lords had all experienced a similar history to Shen Qingqiu as Liu Qingge had. Each of them had a quicker reaction time than the disciples.

Realizing, all at once, who exactly they were looking at. Sat upon the bed for examination, the smaller body of Shen Qingqiu could be seen. Not exactly how they had remembered him, but with a familiarity that pulled at something deep in their memories. His appearance so much more similar to how he'd looked when he first came to Cang Qiong Mountain. It made them consider how much he'd changed and grown since then.

"Do we know if this is our Shen Qingqiu?" Qi Qingqi asked, looking the boy over from a distance.

Waving his hands in dismissal, Shang Qinghua interjected, "This looks like a body made from the sun-moon dew mushroom. But how could this be? Cultivating the first one for him took so much effort and was a complete risk. There's no way he'd gone and done it again without anyone knowing."

"On top of that." Wei Qingwei spoke with a slight curl of disgust, "I'm sure we would've had that demon brat storming Cang Qiong Mountain if anything happened to his dear Shizun."

While his tone was unpleasant, his words did come with a certain truth to it. Nothing would've gotten between Binghe and hunting down his Shizun. He'd have known if he showed up anywhere on Cang Qiong Mountain, and he would've shown up to bring him home. If not to start a fight against the peaks in order to get his Shizun back to his side. Without that reaction then, they can assume their Shen Qingqiu is still perfectly fine.

"You think it is the sun-moon dew mushroom?"

Mu Qingfang had sidled up to Shang Qinghua for answers, "Though I could say I'm certain about it, I'm unclear about this version."

"This didn't happen to Shen Qingqiu the first time?" Liu Qingge couldn't help but ask, a bitterness sitting heavy in his throat as he remembered those past events.

Looking the boy over, Shang Qinghua shook his head. Only as the Peak Lord got closer as he inspected the boy, did Liu Qingge realize he'd started gripping onto the back of his robes. Fingers tensing in the material, like he wanted to pull Liu Qingge to stand before him again. Shielding him from all the prying eyes staring at him like some sort of oddity.

Even if Shang Qinghua's inspection could've done them some good. Liu Qingge found himself blocking the man's view without another word. Feeling the fingers gripping his robes relaxing minutely. Knuckles pressing into Liu Qingge's skin where it sits under his robes. As if he wanted to make sure Liu Qingge would stay there, right in front of him.

"Well," Shang Qinghua said with a knowing smile, making Liu Qingge uncomfortable as it was directed his way, "The way I see it, it's known to few that the sun-moon dew mushroom is fickle and fragile. While cultivating it, if not done correctly, you run the chance of losing some part of yourself even if you do successfully plant your soul into the newly grown body."

"You think he's lost something? That whoever cultivated the body, did it incorrectly?" Trying to piece it together from a medical perspective, Mu Qingfang couldn't help but ask the most questions.

"Typically, it's known that you could lose a limb or something similar. I think this situation is similar but not exactly the same. Though I can't be certain, it seems that unlike how Shen Qingqiu's body was grown before the soul was put inside. This body that this one's been gifted, seems to be growing with him. Though at what speed I can't be sure. I suspect these things will develop in time."

Discussed amongst the lot of them, they decided that the only thing they could do for now was to monitor him. At first, they thought it would be best to leave him at Qian Cao Peak where there were medics on hand. If something happened, cultivators could rush over to help out. Qi Qingqiu reasoned that if they were hoping for him to develop, it would be under stimulating to leave him in a med-bay.

With Mu Qingfang crossed out as an option. It was up to the remaining Peak Lords to be chosen from. Though it felt like an opportunity to get up to no good, Wi Qingwei conceded that he couldn't do it. Qi Qingwei cooed over the little version of Shen Qingqiu, and wished she could bring a boy into her peak. Ultimately though, she said unless there was a need for it, she couldn't bring him either.

Ultimately this left Yue Qingyuan, Liu Qingge and Shang Qinghua as the only actual options. Casting a subtle glance behind him, Liu Qingge could see that Shen Qingqiu was peering around him. Eyes showing a different depth of emotion, and they were fixated on Yue Qingyuan. No longer caught entirely on Liu Qingge as the biggest threat as they shifted over to the Sect Lord.

But Liu Qingge didn't feel like that was quite right. Unlike when he'd called him Shen Qingqiu earlier, now there was almost a flicker of recognition in his eyes. His expression didn't change dramatically, and Liu Qingge couldn't put his finger on what changed. All that he knew was that he seemed to be reacting to one of the three options the most, and that if he couldn't speak, this was their second best way of deciding.

"I think he wants to go with Zhangmen-shixiong."

Eyes widening like he was realizing something, Shang Qinghua looked between Yue Qingyuan and Liu Qingge. Mostly because he couldn't look past Liu Qingge to see where Shen Qingqiu was hiding. He seemed to be thinking things over in his mind. A fiercer, more focused look on his face then anything he usually wears even in the busiest of workdays. It made Liu Qingge uncomfortable.

Seemingly spurred on by this, Yue Qingyuan took a hesitant step forward. Though, unlike what Liu Qingge could predict. From Shen Qingqiu's body language, as he hides himself completely behind Liu Qingge again, it appears that the idea isn't their best option either. Liu Qingge stands there confused, looking back behind himself to look at Shen Qingqiu before looking up at Yue Qingyuan.

A flicker of something shoots across Yue Qingyuan's features before he hides it. Taking that one step back again, he raises his hands as if he's admitting defeat. Liu Qingge looks at him worried. Knowing that Shen Qingqiu has always been favoured by Yue Qingyuan and considered special, to be rejected like this must be something hard to stomach. But Liu Qingge can't urge Shen Qingqiu anywhere he doesn't feel comfortable.

"Then it should be Shang Qinghua."

It took a while for Shang Qinghua to even process those words because he hadn't expected them. He'd have thought Liu Qingge would've jumper at the opportunity, but he realized Liu Qingge seriously didn't even consider himself an option. As if he didn't think for a second that Shen Qingqiu would want to stay with him. Even if a part of him desperately wanted for it, he didn't see it as possible.

"You think he should come with me?" Shang Qinghua sounded truly baffled when he asked.

Confusion coloured Liu Qingge's response, "You're close with him, aren't you?"

"This isn't our Shen Qingqiu, even if it was, I wouldn't be the one he wants to spend the most time with."

"But if he doesn't want Zhangmen-shixiong-,"

As if he was gentle parenting a small child, Shang Qinghua said, "You! He can stay on Bai Zhan Peak with you. It was your peak he showed up in, in the first place. For all we know, that's exactly where he needs to be. Out of all of our sects, it looks like yours was chosen. How about you take him over to yours, and see how he settles in? If something is truly not right, we'll take it from there."

Looking stumped, Liu Qingge cast an unsure glance behind him. Shen Qingqiu wasn't looking at much of anything, situated behind Liu Qingge as he was. At Liu Qingge's attention turning around to him however, his eyes flicked up to look at him. A small tug of his robes was as much of a signal as Liu Qingge felt he was getting, a small motion of consent.

There wasn't much else to discuss after that point. The Peak Lords went over a few things, but before long they were leaving one by one. Yue Qingyuan seemed to linger in the doorway before leaving last. Which left Liu Qingge, Mu Qingfang and Shen Qingqiu by themselves once again. The noise had all died down and outside the medical room, the sounds of cultivators going about their day could be heard.

Having spent so long dealing with this situation already. Liu Qingge felt exhausted, though he didn't bring any attention to it. Knowing he still had a way to go before he could ever consider resting. A few disciples came to the room to speak to Mu Qingfang and he had them create a few things for Liu Qingge to take with him. Things that might soothe Shen Qingqiu or help with any pain flare ups Shen Qingqiu might experience.

"We still don't know the full extent of the situation. If anything terrible happens, rush him over to us but as long as you watch over him, things shouldn't get too bad. Bring him back in a few days and I'll have another look at him, see how things are developing. If we're to believe Shang-shixiong, then this Shen Qingqiu should be more like the Shen-shixiong we know in time."

"I'll have Yang Yixuan with me, I'm sure he'll be happy to help out and keep an eye on him as well."

With no more words to share, Liu Qingge said his goodbyes to Mu Qingfang. Thanking him for his aid. He helped Shen Qingqiu down from the examination bed, but his legs didn't seem all that much better. Especially not after having sat down for so long again. Though he was worried about Shen Qingqiu's notoriously thin skin, he didn't seem all that opposed to being carried again.

Once again, an awkward silence fell over them as Liu Qingge brought them back to Bai Zhan Peak. Although Shen Qingqiu's eyes were mostly downcast, staring at nothing as they walked. Liu Qingge could see out of the corner of his eye, the few times Shen Qingqiu looked around to gaze at something. Pretty lanterns that were still left hanging, even as their flames were extinguished.

Shen Qingqiu was still tall at this point, a whole eighteen to nineteen-year-old. It wasn't easy for Liu Qingge to comfortable maneuver him to carry, especially as they walked in areas populated by so many people. Nobody seemed to stare at them for too long though, not wanting to bring Liu Qingge's ire and anger on themselves. They did however, whisper amongst themselves.

Unable to get a good look at the person he was carrying, all they could do is speculate amongst themselves. Liu Qingge pressed on despite that. Carrying Shen Qingqiu was no difficulty as well, especially given how skinny the boy seemed to be. Shen Qingqiu had never been thick with muscles, but he'd packed on his strength over the years. An impressively muscled build that was lean but had its own strength.

This felt nothing like he'd experienced before. He'd carried Shen Qingqiu in the past, knew how much the man weighed in his arms. This was completely unlike that experience, and it made him appear smaller than he should. Especially as he seemed to curl up in on himself. Unfocused and just accepting the fact that Liu Qingge was bringing him somewhere else.

Pushing the half-opened door of his house further open with his foot. Liu Qingge managed to get the both of them inside in one piece. Unexpectedly, Yang Yixuan was already here. Bowls of porridge laid out on the table and water set up ready to boil but without the flame on just yet. He was muttering to himself, somehow missing the fact that his Shizun had come home already.

As the door closed with a sound, he finally looked up from what had distracted him. A moment passed before he realized his Shizun had come back, and he animatedly got up to greet him. Containing what Liu Qingge could imagine was a million questions, while carefully helping Liu Qingge get Shen Qingqiu situated on a chair. Sat at the table they'd been sitting around last night before everything had happened.

"What did he say?" Yang Yixuan finally asked.

Guesting for Yang Yixuan to boil the water, Liu Qingge answered his question, "It's possibly a body created by the sun-moon dew mushroom, but we don't think Shen Qingqiu's soul has left his body. We would've heard from that brat by now. His condition is also different to the only other instance of the mushroom's use we are aware of. We're to look after him here, until he's able to speak for himself and let us know what he wants."

"You're not going to make him your disciple, are you?"

"He's here to be watched over, not trained."

Although he wasn't really aiming to reassure Yang Yixuan, those words did just that. Sometimes Yang Yixuan thinks about his Shizun taking on other disciples, wanting for people to learn alongside. But their dynamic is special, he was the only disciple his Shizun has ever taken on. Having someone like Shen Qingqiu alongside him on top of that, would make him pale dreadfully in comparison.

No matter how regressed this version of him seems to be. If he's still anything like Shen Qingqiu, there's an innate intenseness and ability to him. Something that Yang Yixuan could never hope to compare to. Thankfully, it seemed he didn't have anything to worry about. Perhaps if this Shen Qingqiu gets better, he might feel indebted to them and offer to teach Yang Yixuan something.

When everything happened with Lou Binghe, Shen Qingqiu spent less and less time on Cang Qiong Mountain. Binghe was also fussy about his Shizun teaching other disciples and while Yang Yixuan could understand that. He'd always been intrigued and impressed by Shen Qingqiu. This could be his opportunity to learn a thing or two, so he hoped to gain this Shen Qingqiu's favour.

Once everyone was settled in Liu Qingge handed Yang Yixuan a spoon, "Feed him some porridge while I go draw a bath for him. Don't burn him, I don't know if he'll be able to let you know if it's too hot."

Fussing over the heat of the porridge for a few moments. Yang Yixuan was finally able to send his Shizun away to go complete his task. This was a good opportunity to help out Shen Qingqiu. Situated on the stool next to Shen Qingqiu, Yang Yixuan carefully fed him spoonsful of porridge. Every time he'd bring the spoon to Shen Qingqiu's lips, he'd bring his hands up to hold Yang Yixuan's wrist to keep him there.

As if he was worried about the food being taken away before he could finish it each time. Yang Yixuan went into it eagerly but settled properly very quickly. Taking the instructions seriously, making sure it wasn't too hot and making sure Shen Qingqiu was finished before he took the spoon away. His Shizun had entrusted him with this task, he wouldn't let him down.

Chapter Text

After those few days passed, as instructed by Mu Qingfang, the two of them returned to Qian Cao Peak. It was mid morning by the time this version of Shen Qingqiu woke up and was fed a small breakfast of a few soup dumplings. Yang Yixuan had already been instructed by then on how to spend his day. Different sword training practises to keep him occupied for a few hours.

With the sun rising in the sky, it turned out to be a fairly mild day. Although he'd offered, Yang Yixuan's robes didn't fit Shen Qingqiu's body and therefore today like the day prior, Shen Qingqiu was dressed presentably in some of Liu Qingge's own robes. Nothing too complicated and Shen Qingqiu could help out with some of his own dressing, but it was mostly up to Liu Qingge to handle.

Unlit lanterns still lined some of the pathways they walked down to make their way over to Qian Cao Peak. Disciples from Bai Zhan Peak and Qian Cao Peak alike both greeted Liu Qingge as he walked passed them. Curious and eager gazes focused on the man by his side, familiar in some ways but foreign in others. There were whispers going around and rumours.

Nothing had been confirmed though. Liu Qingge had thought it was best, that before Shen Qingqiu was properly on the path to healing, that they wouldn't start spreading around what happened to anyone that wasn't in the know. Lest something happen that could hinder his progress. Not that there had been much progress since Mu Qingfang had let them go those few days prior.

"You are spending time with him, correct?" It wasn't accusatory but Liu Qingge frowned at Mu Qingfang's words nonetheless.

"I handle everything necessary."

"And anything you deem unnecessary?"

Silent for a moment. Liu Qingge supplies, "Yang Yixuan has been spending time around him, he's eager to help."

What Liu Qingge means is anything from bathing to dressing, to checking over his vitals and administering medicine, all of that is necessary. Liu Qingge doesn't hesitate to take care of his basic necessities. Interactive day by day activities however, he's mostly left to Yang Yixuan. The boy has enjoyed being able to talk Shen Qingqiu's ear off.

Showing him different things and only feeling a little deflated when Shen Qingqiu doesn't respond with much of anything. As long as he knows Shen Qingqiu is listening to him at all, he continues on. Mealtimes often have the three of them so that Shen Qingqiu isn't forced to sit quietly. Yang Yixuan has played a few simple games with him, even sits outside with him at least once a day because Shen Qingqiu seems to like it.

"They weren't teasing you, you know. The other day? You weren't handed Shen-shixiong to make fun of you."

Out of the corner of his eye, while preparing some things, Mu Qingfang watched Liu Qingge. He was standing by the bed again, back straight and looking impassive. His face devoid of emotions. Next to him, Shen Qingqiu sat calmly with his legs over the edge of the bed. Waiting for whatever examination would come next, sparing a shy, quick glance for the man at his side every few moments.

Mu Qingfang understood that this was a complicated situation. Namely because Liu Qingge was such a complicated man. Even to himself, his feelings are often a mystery. It's why he's struggling to adapt to the situation. Although it may be obvious to anyone who sees him, he hasn't quite realized that he was in love with Shen Qingqiu. His shixiong who he adores very much.

Growing up, they didn't always get along and butted heads. But over the years they'd mended bridges together and finally united as friends, closer than any of the other peak lords without question. The two of them went on missions together, saved each others lives and confided in each other. They offered up comfort and support, being able to tease and have their own way of poking at each other without blowing up.

Liu Qingge didn't have a lot of other friends to compare this relationship to. To Liu Qingge, he was thankful that he'd been able to get so close to someone. Someone he respects like Zhangmen-shixiong is untouchable, even if they have a dependable relationship. His relationship with Shen Qingqiu was something he held close, a dear thing to Liu Qingge he couldn't put a name to.

All Liu Qingge knew, was that it destroyed him when Shen Qingqiu left. Of course he didn't accept Lou Binghe's intentions and was vocally unsupportive of the dynamic between the two of them. But he'd been able to stomach it, if Shen Qingqiu was close enough to look out for. To take care of if he needed the help. But he'd come to realize that Shen Qingqiu didn't need his help anymore, and it was plain to see when he left.

To begin with, they visited a few times for different reasons. But the stretches of time they were gone for now, made it feel like Shen Qingqiu was never going to come back, not even for a visit. Liu Qingge had been unquestionably left behind. Abandoned by the person he cared about most. It was pitiful to watch. A rejection that was hard to stomach.

Not knowing that he was in love, all Liu Qingge could understand was that he'd been rejected. In some way, he'd been deemed not good enough. As much as he'd wanted to help this version of Shen Qingqiu, he hadn't felt qualified. Even his own disciple seemed to be able to offer his shixiong things he wouldn't be able to, so he hadn't stepped in and left Yang Yixuan to do what he couldn't.

"You're quite delicate like this." Mu Qingfang murmured, mostly to himself.

"He's not getting better?" Ignoring Mu Qingfang's words, Liu Qingge asked as he brought them back to the original topic.

Coming back over to them, Mu Qingfang held an instrument in his hand. Shen Qingqiu looked hesitant even as Mu Qingfang explained that it was to test his reflexes. A look passed over his features but then he turned to look at Liu Qingge again. Not sure that he was worthy enough to give assurance, but nonetheless Liu Qingge told him that it would be okay and shouldn't hurt him.

As he worked then, Mu Qingfang spoke to Liu Qingge, "We still don't have much information to go on. Research or not though, I don't think it's a good idea to keep him in this suspended state for too long. Even if he can recover somewhat in the future, spending so long like this might hold him back. It could prove to be dangerous if we don't focus on helping him along."

"What are you suggesting I do to help?"

"Shixiong." His hand was gentle on Shen Qingqiu's leg as he worked, "Would it help if I told you I'd heard back from Shen-shixiong?"

"He wrote back already?"

"I only got it this morning, messages are slow going as you know recently."

Liu Qingge nodded his head as he listened. Eyes watching as Mu Qingfang went through and tested Shen Qingqiu's reflexes and taking note of anything he noticed along the way. Shen Qingqiu seemed happy that it hadn't hurt him, despite the tool Mu Qingfang was holding. Sitting himself still and not moving out of the way so that Mu Qingfang could continue with his work.

"Well, what did he have to say?" Liu Qingge prompted.

A shining look appeared in Mu Qingfang's eye as he spared Liu Qingge only a glance before returning to his examination, "That he hopes his Liu-shidi is doing well. He spoke about how happy he is that you're the one taking care of this body of his, and that he trusts you to make sure he's well taken care of. Shixiong said he isn't at all worried, and that they'll come back when they can to see how everything is."

"He's not rushing back?" His voice didn't hide the surprise he felt, "Isn't he worried?"

"You're not listening to your shixiong very well. Why would he worry, when he has you here to take care of him?"

"But-,"

Usually not one to interrupt his shixiong, Mu Qingfang delicately interjects, "As cute as it is, seeing this side of you. I need you to understand how serious everyone is taking this, you're not being interested to this task as a last resort or as a joke. People genuinely believe you are the best option for this, no matter what you may say or think. Even the body itself turned up on your peak, not anyone else's."

Truly, Mu Qingfang found Liu Qingge cute like this. Being able to witness Liu Qingge softening up over time, it's something Mu Qingfang will always thank Shen Qingqiu for allowing to happen. He understands why Shen Qingqiu is so special to Liu Qingge. He was the one who helped to shape this version of himself and allowed him to blossom comfortably in his presence.

"What if he doesn't want me to help him?"

Looking from Shen Qingqiu to Liu Qingge back to Shen Qingqiu, Mu Qingfang couldn't help the unimpressed look that fell over his face. Shen Qingqiu didn't quite grasp the implication, but he seemed to smile as he looked back at Mu Qingfang. Mu Qingfang shook his head, with the way Shen Qingqiu had been looking up at Liu Qingge, any other person would understand Shen Qingqiu trusts Liu Qingge like this.

Yet Liu Qingge is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. To find out that he isn't the one Shen Qingqiu wants by his side. His shixiong is a delicate one indeed, Mu Qingfang couldn't help but think. Pushing himself up once he was finished with Shen Qingqiu's reflex examination. Writing down his final findings on that, before again speaking to his delicate shixiong.

"Unfortunately, I can't predict the future, that's not the kind of doctor I am." These words were said with a lighthearted laugh despite how serious his next words were, "You'll just have to see this through, no matter the outcome. What we know, is that right now Shen Qingqiu trusts you to take care of him. When he can articulate himself, if he wants something else, we'll see to it when it happens. But I highly doubt he'll want to be anywhere separate from you."

Seeing the look on Mu Qingfang's face, Liu Qingge finally gave in and agreed, "I'll watch over him better. I just don't want him to resent me, if I get something wrong or mess something up."

"Your earnestness and desire to do the right thing is enough. These are things he can sense, especially in this current state of his. He's receptive to what you can show him and demonstrate for him, as long as your intentions are right, he's hardly going to blame you for anything."

With everything completed, Mu Qingfang handed over a particularly unfortunate tasting medicine. Shen Qingqiu was to drink it while he was there, and the look on his face was none too pleased once the taste exploded on his tongue. Doing nothing to hide his expressions or emotions, not at all like the mask he'd trained himself to wear. Liu Qingge watched every flicker of emotion with rapt attention.

"Drink this, it'll make the taste go away somewhat."

A hot cup of tea was carefully handed over to Shen Qingqiu. Clearly without fear of scalding, Shen Qingqiu quickly and carelessly brought the rim of the cup to his lips and took a gulp of it. Within seconds, it was abundantly clear that Shen Qingqiu had burnt his tongue. The rims of his eyes reddened as he brought the cup away from his mouth, an unhappy expression appeared on his face.

Mu Qingfang had already turned his back to tend to things. Liu Qingge was the one who watched it happen and was the one to carefully put the cup elsewhere. Telling him to be more careful, wiping away some of the spilt tea with his finger. Fetching him a small cup of cold water to help ease the burn, Liu Qingge tried to explain how one had to be careful around temperatures.

Whether he was following along or not, Shen Qingqiu quietly watched on as Liu Qingge spoke. Mu Qingfang looked back and mumbled to himself, asking how Liu Qingge could ever have worries about being suitable to take care of someone. He dismissed them both to leave whenever they are ready, before he departed himself. Leaving the two in the room alone for the moment.

Once Shen Qingqiu's tongue wasn't burning so painfully, they left. One of the Qian Cao Peak disciples approached Liu Qingge trying to find Mu Qingfang but other than that, they remained undisturbed until they were back on Bai Zhan Peak. he let Shen Qingqiu sit under the protection of a large tree. Branches sticking out in every different direction, offering up a lot of shade away from the sun.

Clouds dotted across the sky offering up some shade of their own. Yang Yixuan was training near by and Liu Qingge didn't pass him by without saying anything. Taking a small detour to approach. He lit up the second Liu Qingge came over, asking if he could check over his form. The way they wielded their swords was much the same, and it had gotten more and more similar the longer Yang Yixuan trained under him.

This disciple of his was easy to instruct this way. Helping him in the ways Liu Qingge is familiar with, that help himself. While he moved with Yang Yixuan, helping him out and demonstrating a few things himself. Shen Qingqiu watched in fascination. Although there wasn't much that was clear to him, he'd worried when the man hadn't seem keen on having him around. He'd tried to be unobstructive and inobtrusive.

But he'd still worried he was getting in his way. The amount of time they were together seemed less and less the more he stayed. He was grateful that the young one stuck by his side, and even though he was clearly living alongside this man. It was clear that he was more or less, not too pleased about having him there. Worried but unable to do much about it, it just ate away at him and made him feel sick.

He didn't want to be thrown out or thrown away. Things were still unclear to him and his mind was muddled more often than not. Sometimes it felt like he was inching closer to something, before he was blocked of. A hand reaching out towards a memory or action before it was hit away. Progress was almost nonexistent. Warring internally between wanting to trust this man and not wanting to get in his way made things difficult.

Zoning out again, he hadn't noticed when Liu Qingge approached him. Standing just off to the side and staring at him. The day was calm and the mood was unhurried, he considered that it wouldn't do Shen Qingqiu any good to be kept inside the house the entire time. Instead, Liu Qingge considered his other options. Like taking him down to a nearby town.

After returning briefly to dress Shen Qingqiu in something warmer, he brought the two of them down the massive flight of stairs. Worrying that it might be to strenuous for Shen Qingqiu. But he seemed eager to stretch his legs, more capable then he was that first night to do so. A lot of his physical capabilities were returning, like someone who'd been asleep for a long time easing in to developing fine motor skills and major motor skills.

Holding things was easier and his hand eye coordination was improving. Moving his own body has also gotten easier for him, just relying on Liu Qingge to do things that took a little more thought. Such as getting dressed and having to figure out how everything came together. Walking and moving around though, had thankfully not taken a lot for this Shen Qingqiu to get used to again.

A little shaky at times and Liu Qingge did have the both of them stop once they finally made it down for a small break. But they continued on in no time, with the sun shining overheard as midday came and went. The nearest town was thankfully not too far away. It wasn't a place Liu Qingge frequented if not for a necessity. So, as if he'd just thought about it, he wasn't actually too sure of where to go.

Usually, Liu Qingge visited if there was someone he needed to talk to or help out. Even attending some of the stalls for weapons or ingredients or something, but never just for pleasure. He knew there were pleasure districts on the far end of this area. Stalls for weapons were situated closest to the foot of the mountain, hoping to catch the eye of cultivators passing by.

Past that were miscellaneous stalls. A few were selling clothes, stores for men and women with some not bothering to specify. Items that looked expensively hand made, jewellery that shone and glimmered in the light that shined down on them. Arrays of different colour and materials all laid out on either side of them. Liu Qingge had barely any passing interest.

Staring forward as he intended to move them past and work their way into the restraint district. Liu Qingge almost missed this Shen Qingqiu stopping in front of a stall, something having caught his eye. He looked quite young like this, wearing an overcoat that hung off his body with his hair hanging down. Face excited as he looked down at the hairpiece one of the shop keepers was showing off.

It was a beautiful blue flower with small blue gems hanging down from where the flower meets the piece of the jewellery that goes into the hair. The shopkeeper seemed to see that this boy was interested, and handed it over for him to inspect. He went on about how beautiful it is and how any girl would swoon over him if he gifted it to them. He was grinning wild as he tried to sell the piece.

Clearly seeing his interest in this as well, Liu Qingge took a few steps back and came up to the stall himself. The shopkeeper hadn't expected a cultivator to appear and hesitated a little before going back into his spiel about how well-crafted it is. Quietly, Liu Qingge handed over the money for the hairpiece. Momentarily dazed at the money that was just handed over, he looked up at Liu Qingge with it still in his hands.

Held so gently like he was worried he could break it there and then. Liu Qingge went to walk on before his robes were grabbed, just enough to keep him in place. The shopkeeper was still going on about how the lady would love this. Clearly imagining this young man would have some madam in mind to gift this to. His words caught in his throat when Shen Qingqiu seemed to hold the piece up for Liu Qingge.

"For me?" Liu Qingge asked, a little confused.

Nodding his head in agreeance. This Shen Qingqiu lifted his hand to Liu Qingge, clearly wanting to hand it over. After recovering from his surprise, the shopkeeper clearly clued in that the blue matched the robes of this young cultivator. It wasn't intended for some young lady, but for the man he was travelling with. Liu Qingge didn't seem to catch on quite as quickly.

Assuming Shen Qingqiu was worried over the price and wanted to give it to the person who paid for it, Liu Qingge explained, "You don't need to worry about the cost, I can pay for whatever catches your eye."

While this Shen Qingqiu still seemed to want to hand it over despite this reassurance. Liu Qingge gently took around and gathered the boys' hair up carefully, he wasn't used to doing things with other people's hair. But he'd done his sisters before, so it wasn't a completely foreign practise. Putting it up all nice and pretty before he gently took the newly purchased good from the hand still holding it out.

Delicately, Liu Qingge slid it into place and stepped back to take in the sight of him. Although Liu Qingge was used to seeing Shen Qingqiu dressed in green, something about this colour on him made Liu Qingge pleased. From the expression on his face, this Shen Qingqiu didn't have any more complaints. Though he didn't take it for himself, he seemed equally as happy as this Shen Qingqiu had hoped he would, just by putting it in his hair.

"Let's keep going, we need to find a restaurant."

Was what Liu Qingge said, but they managed to stop at a few shops along the way. They didn't buy much more than that first purchase though. Liu Qingge did go into a store himself and grab something he'd been putting off for a while, but nothing too interesting. He listened to girl's giggle and whisper to each other as they looked over both of them, but Liu Qingge mostly thought that it had to be his companion catching their eye.

He looked so much more animated than he had the past few days. The robes this Shen Qingqiu wore were simple, whites and greys with a little blue mixed in. It didn't wash out his complexion though, he looked gorgeous and pretty. Eyes dark but seemingly filled with contentment as he followed along the walkway in-between he stalls. His appearance greatly complimented by the hairpiece.

Afternoon came upon them before they finally approached a restaurant. Liu Qingge had asked a shop owner along the way for recommendations. She spoke highly of her son who'd opened up a place, luxurious dishes with great taste. Explaining where they had to go and giving them the directions, it wasn't long before they set off to find it. Thankfully it was easy to come across.

Seeing a cultivator come in, the owner was eager to please. Offering them a private room upstairs. Something closed off from people coming on, but that still allowed them to hear the instruments being plaid downstairs. The place was lively and you could hear the kitchen preparing food. Loud sounds of pots and pans, steam continued to rise from the kitchen as meals came in and out.

Once their meal arrived completely, the table they were sat at was covered in dishes. Sansi salad with finely cut vegetables, sweet osmanthus lotus root and frotsky fish. Fried shrimp and eel, as well as stir-fried lotus with snow peas and wood ear mushrooms. Sweet and sour crispy fish came out to them last with fresh steamed plain rice. Small bottles of expansive wine were also placed on the table, with small cups to drink from accompanying them.

"Make sure to watch out for hot meals this time, Shen Qingqiu." Liu Qingge said aloud, only half paying attention as he grabbed his own portions.

"Why does everyone call me Shen Qingqiu?"

Spoken so quietly, Liu Qingge almost missed it in the clank of dishes and chopsticks. For a moment he sat there with his chopsticks hovering over the rice. Like his mind had gone blank and it was rebooting, he seemed to finally catch up with what happened. Eyes flitting from the dishes he'd been staring at with hunger, over to the one sitting across from him.

Having not reached for any food for himself yet. He was sitting there neatly and quietly. Save for the few words he'd just spoken, he didn't make another sound. His back was straight, and there seemed to be a hint of anxiety in his form. Like the question had been on the tip of his tongue this entire time, but now that it had finally come out, he was worried about having voiced it.

"It's your name." At the confused head tilt he received in response, Liu Qingge reworded his sentence. "It's the name you were given when you came to Cang Qiong Peak."

Though he could explain in more detail, he got the gist of it across. While it wasn't his birth name, it had been the name he was referred to by since he became known at Cang Qiong Peak. The name that everyone, including Liu Qingge himself, had known him by. Though he's stomached it up until this point, in this state he was too open and hid nothing as he made a small request.

"Can you not use it?"

"I-," Any argument Liu Qingge could formulate died instantly.

Finally, he'd been able to hear him speaking. Warmed by his coat and the good food around him, content with his new purchase and happy sitting across from Liu Qingge. He'd unlocked a part of himself that had allowed him to finally voice his thoughts. This was his first request, the thing that weighed so heavy on him that it burst out the second it could.

How could Liu Qingge possibly have the heart to deny him such a simple request. It would be difficult to adapt to a new name, after how long he'd spent saying Shen Qingqiu. But in truth, Shen Qingqiu still existed. This was someone else, whether another version or him or something else. Perhaps it had been impolite, to assume he'd want to be addressed the same way simply because his appearance was the same as the man they knew.

Not that they could've asked for his preferences much before this. Understanding that they'd finally made it to the point where he could voice things, Liu Qingge found there wasn't much to think on. He could hardly justify not respecting his wishes. As his own person, no matter what, he could ask for people to refer to him however he felt most comfortable.

"What do you prefer?"

A soft, youthful expression came across his face as he said, "Shen Jiu is my name."

There were a few thoughts that flew around in Liu Qingge's mind upon hearing this. But he kept his thoughts to himself, these were things he could consider at a later date. For now, Liu Qingge rephrased his earlier words and asked Shen Jiu to watch out for the hot meals on their table. Careful not to burn himself this time. With clear eyes, Shen Jiu made a noise of understanding before digging into the food.

Liu Qingge helped him focus on the cooler dishes while the hot dishes cooled down some. He didn't push the topic further. Shen Jiu didn't have much to say during dinner other than his initial words. Clearly it had been something he really wanted to get out. He didn't lose his ability to speak after that, but it was just something he had to work back into familiarly using.

"Thank you for the food."

His voice was soft and a little more unsure than Liu Qingge was used to hearing it. But Liu Qingge had to come to terms with the fact that the one across from him, is not the one he knows. They aren't the same person. In the future, Shen Jiu will continue to do things he doesn't expect and act in ways that differ from the version of Shen Qingqiu he'd come to know.

But that's okay. Shen Jiu isn't a replacement for the man who'd left, but another version of that man who existed as his own person. Liu Qingge didn't want to put any pressure on him or disrespect him with comparisons. If he was going to help him, he needed to be more clear headed and put his all into connecting with someone he's just met. Making sure he feels comfortable and safe.

"My name's Liu Qingge." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he felt a little silly for stating it so plainly but it felt necessary. "How old are you right now?"

Considering he can't function as if the two are the same person. He can't just see Shen Jiu as his shixiong because Shen Qingqiu is his shixiong. They were making estimates of his age, with Mu Qingfang's understanding. But if Shen Jiu was able to answer the question, it would help to see whether Liu Qingge was older than Shen Jiu or not. They also didn't have the same martial relationship anymore.

Frowning a little as he tried to think, Shen Jiu offered up an unsure, "Nineteen?"

"So I'm older than you now." Liu Qingge said it mostly to himself in wonder.

"Liu-ge."

After saying it, Shen Jiu went back to eating his food. Unaffected by what he'd just said. Pleased with how things had unfolded, and enjoying his food. Liu Qingge on the other hand sat there motionless for a while. He felt a little flustered. It was not something he was particularly used to being called. The moment lingered on between them, mostly affecting Liu Qingge.

They stayed in that restaurant well into the evening. Taking their time. But they made it back to Bai Zhan Peak before dark. Yang Yixuan had already finished his sword practises for the day and had already gone through and cleaned Liu Qingge's house. It was neat and presentable for when they returned. Though the boy wasn't there at the time they got back, having already returned to preparing for the evening.

Shen Jiu was able to speak about things that interested him on the way. He felt comfortable in his curiosity, asking Liu Qingge questions with a soft but happy voice. Though, whenever Liu Qingge tried to ask him questions, it looked like it wasn't easy to recall everything so quickly. His mind was still muddled, but Mu Qingfang was hopeful it would clear up in a few days.

Well looked after, Shen Jiu would start to improve under Liu Qingge's care. That's how Mu Qingfang saw it, so he hadn't been too worried. On top of that, with Shen Jiu able to communicate better, they'd be able to answer some questions. For now though, straining to think back and answer questions looked like it hurt Shen Jiu. So Liu Qingge didn't ask too many, keeping to mood as light as possible.

Returning back and ending their day. Shen Jiu seemed incredibly pleased, he'd not spend so much time with Liu Qingge the entire time he was here. He didn't know exactly why he felt like he could rely on and trust this Liu-ge of his. It's just that, he felt like he could. Something from the past that was too engrained in his being to forget, so he accepted it readily.

Happy with how his day turned out, he'd barely registered his own exhaustion. Basically, stumbling through the front door and having to be bodily moved off to his own bed to lay down. Liu Qingge tried to wrestle him out of his clothes, but aside from the outer coat, he seemed content to fall asleep like that. All Liu Qingge could do was carefully remove the newly bought hairpiece, so as to not break it in his sleep.

"Goodnight." His voice was soft, Shen Jiu was probably fast asleep already anyway, "We'll see how you feel tomorrow."

Chapter Text

When asked, all Shen Jiu could provide was that suddenly he'd felt aware of himself. His heart was beating in his chest and he could feel his body pulsing with it as blood moved around his veins. Everything came to him at once and it was utterly overwhelming. Shen Jiu didn't even have the words to express what that felt like, to suddenly be able to sense everything again.

At the time as well, he hadn't had a moment to take any of it in. As awareness settled in, so had the panic. Dirt weighed down on him from all sides and Shen Jiu all at once, became all too aware that he was buried. Body submerged into something that he was forced to claw his way out of. Fingers sore as he moved soil aside, his body moving upwards as he pushed and pulled against the weight of everything around him.

His first few breaths had been quiet, choked up. Fresh air cooled the sweat sticking to his skin as he made it aboveground. Moon hanging overhead and the night sky dark above him, the sight of the stars twinkling in his eyes disorientated him. Going from the darkness of being underground to the night air felt too similar, and for a while Shen Jiu sat there thinking that he still had a way to go before he could reach the light ahead of him.

Then there'd been movement. Something about him had alerted those two young disciples to his presence, they'd rushed over saying different things. They were clearly panicking but Shen Jiu hadn't had the mind to spare them any thought. Trying to collect himself as he sat on the ground he'd just freed himself from. Now he knew he was at least free.

Neither of them had allowed him to attempt to get up. But as it would turn out, he hadn't even been able to stand on his own when Liu Qingge had come and tried. The sight of the man approaching was daunting. Instinctively, Shen Jiu knew that this man was the strongest of them all. Whoever he was, his expression as he got closer wasn't all that friendly, but neither was it too cutting.

On one hand there was the understanding that this man could hurt him. With the strength he'd cultivated for himself, handling someone like Shen Jiu would be easy. A part of him wanted to curl up and make himself small. Hoping this man wouldn't try anything. Another part of Shen Jiu, though, made it so that he felt like he could trust this man.

Although Shen Jiu stiffened in his hold. When the man picked him up, he didn't fight to escape out of his arms. Actually, he could feel the care and caution he was being held with. The man could feel him tense up, and was doing his best to try make Shen Jiu as comfortable as possible. Putting him down o the nearest surface as soon as he got the chance when they'd entered a medium sized room.

Shen Jiu's thoughts were still unclear. Mostly, he was working off instinct. Trying not to give away that he was scared or weak. Though his apprehension was noticed, still, Shen Jiu tried to reign in as much as he could. Not that he had a facade to slip into, masterfully hiding away and convincing those two men of anything. They were just met with Shen Jiu's stiff pretense as he held in his bodies shaking.

"You're in Qian Cao Peak right now."

Though Shen Jiu didn't like taking his eyes off the strongest man in the room. At times, his gaze was brought away by the other man. There were some things he could follow along with and other's he couldn't. Trying to make up for his short comings but struggling to piece things together. It seemed that the man was documenting all of these reactions as he went along.

Even though it didn't hurt when his skin was poked at, Shen Jiu still had to stop himself from shivering. His skin looked mottled and unfamiliar even to himself. A splatter of misshapen green's and brown's that looked like the skin underneath should be tender or sore to the touch. Besides the discomfort of having someone touch him, there was no bursting pain for him to flinch away from.

Mindlessly, while the two had talked. Shen Jiu absentmindedly rubbed the back of his knuckles clumsily over the odd mesh like pattern clinging to patches of his skin. It made him feel like he'd just grown out of the ground. He wasn't sure how it made him feel. Staring up at the one who'd brought him here all the while, Shen Jiu had been facing away from the doorway when other's made their appearance.

"Shidi! I heard from your sister that something's happened."

Causing Shen Jiu a little bit of surprise. Acting on his own instincts, Liu Qingge stood in front of him as everyone burst in. Voices loud as each of them seemed to have something to say, holding nothing back as they spoke whatever was on their minds. Questions coming out of the lot of them. It was Liu Qingge who cut in to make all of them stop, reprimanding them.

Even after Liu Qingge begrudgingly moved back out of the way after a little time had passed. With everything settled and Shen Jiu being put in the centre of attention. Shen Jiu couldn't help but sit there a little listlessly and wonder. That part of him that was telling him he could trust this man, seemed to sound more correct the longer he spent by his side.

How curious that was. Shen Jiu could hardly expect it, when every other part of him was sure that a man like this could only cause him trouble. One of them spoke and the word mushroom came out, and it made sense to Shen Jiu to hear that. Something about his appearance and that word seemed to link up. Not that he knew what a sun-moon dew mushroom was though.

While it made sense that these people might help him clear away some confusion. As they crowded in closer, Shen Jiu felt more and more uncomfortable with how things were unfolding. He'd gladly sit unaware for the rest of his life if it meant escaping this situation. Even if they had information to offer, he couldn't help but to feel like none of these people before him could help him.

As the man stood before him but not entirely in front of him. Shen Jiu couldn't help his instincts as he reached out in front of him, fingers curling into the material at the man's back. With everything but words, somehow he'd wanted to communicate his discomfort. That he didn't like this situation. Unable to escape it with his own means, he'd been left to silently beg this man to be the one to help him out.

Thankfully, it seemed that his message was heard loud and clear. Once again, almost protectively, the man was standing in front of him again. Blocking Shen Jiu from their sight and blocking the whole lot of them from Shen Jiu's own line of sight. Able to relax himself a little, not entirely clear but feeling safer. His fingers let up from their near death-grip on his clothes.

Just simply pressed against him. Even through the layer of fabric, it was oddly comforting to be able to feel him standing there. Like it would confirm for him, that he wouldn't leave him unguarded in this situation. As the ones hidden from his sight started discussing something in soft tones. One of the voices rang out with an element of familiarity.

It had gone unnoticed earlier, with everything being so loud and mixed in together. Carefully and as subtly as he could imagine, Shen Jiu had looked around his guard and looked for the source of the familiar voice. For a second, something seemed to clear in Shen Jiu's head. Eyes glowing with that sense of familiarity. For the most part, only Liu Qingge had noticed this reaction.

Being his voice for the moment, he seemed to be offering him up to the man standing tall and powerful on the other side of the room. Just as familiarity had come to him, it had also disappeared from him. Not grasping onto anything in particular as it slipped through his fingers. He didn't have the same lingering desire to trust that he had with the one standing in front of him.

Though he could more or less guess that these two men were familiar to him. Moreso than anyone else. Shen Jiu didn't feel that he held them equally in his heart, and he tensed up at the implication of being handed over to the other man. Instead, moving to hide behind the one in front of him again. Hoping childishly, that perhaps if he isn't seen, then nothing of the sort can happen to him.

Staring blankly at Liu Qingge's back from then on. He barely took in any of the words floating around in the space they all currently occupied. Taking nothing in as he almost stubbornly made his stand, sat behind the person his body seemed willing to trust. Only when he felt the muscles move and shift in the man's back, fingers still caught up in the material, did he noticed he'd turned around to catch his eye again.

Eyes almost glowing as they flicked up to him. Tugging on his clothes, communicating once again what can't be communicated verbally. It seemed that he'd once again got his way. Before Shen Jiu knew it, he'd been taken to a comfortable house. Sat down and reacquainted with one of the small disciples who'd first appeared alongside this one. He seemed hesitant but blossomed into a lively friendliness.

It was from then on that Shen Jiu had to accept their arrangement. The young boy whose name was Yang Yixuan, tended to most of his basic needs. Shen Jiu's instincts made him feel near ravenous for food, like he had to have it then and there or else he'd go hungry. Yang Yixuan seemed to adapt to his behaviour. Reassuring him that it wasn't going anywhere, he wouldn't take it away.

Shen Jiu had been taken by surprise when food had been kept for him to have again later. On top of that, at minimum he got three meals a day. Yang Yixuan was always trying to stealthily slip him little treats on top of that too. It had been so much one day, that Shen Jiu had thrown up. Yang Yixuan had been nearly in tears as he apologized to Liu Qingge for getting him sick, he hadn't meant to.

Liu Qingge had cleaned Shen Jiu up while taking his turn to reassure. Explaining that Shen Jiu's body probably just wasn't used to eating so much. That they needed to take it easy while they watched him. That it wasn't Yang Yixuan's fault. That being said, Liu Qingge had trouble limiting Shen Jiu's intake. Wanting him to be able to eat as much as he desired, while also understanding Shen Jiu didn't know his own limits.

When moving his fingers and arms felt more natural, Yang Yixuan was delighted to be able to introduce Shen Jiu to his own utensils. Shen Jiu developed his own new understanding, recognizing when he feels hungry and when his body's had enough. It was during his restraint meal with Liu Qingge where he was able to pace himself. An array of new foods for him to pick at and try.

Not all of Liu Qingge's questions received answers. On their third and most recent visit to Mu Qingfang, he'd applauded their progress. Explaining that everything now seemed to be going smoothly, and that in time Shen Jiu would begin to remember things more clearly. That old behaviours might pop up and attitudes might begin to shift as Shen Jiu come into himself.

What Liu Qingge expected, was for Shen Jiu to show all types of different sides of himself. He'd appeared so free the first day's he'd been staying with them. However, as they spent more time together. Liu Qingge found himself filled with as much worry as he did joy at Shen Jiu's changes. Mu Qingfang had been happy as he explained to them that Shen Jiu felt safe and content, so he was recovering appropriately now.

Yet the happiness Liu Qingge experienced felt limited. Worry almost permanently etched into his features in recent days. The first instance that had really concerned him had happened not too long ago. Since the first day Shen Jiu had come to stay. They'd set him up into a small room not too far from Liu Qingge's own room. At first he'd seemed utterly content.

Given housing another person in his own house was not something Liu Qingge had ever considered doing before. It hadn't exactly been the best bedroom for someone, but Shen Jiu had taken to it easily. One night, after Liu Qingge believed everything had settled, Shen Jiu had silently appeared in his doorway. Dressed only in light inner robes for sleeping, he'd looked quiet and almost hidden.

"Is there something wrong?" Though Liu Qingge hadn't exactly fallen asleep at that point, his voice was tinged with sleep.

Anxiously wringing his own wrist as he spoke, "Shouldn't I sleep in here?"

Speaking from the doorway, at first Liu Qingge had chalked up his tone to him being far away. Perhaps even Liu Qingge's own half-asleep state made him sound that way in his own head. As Liu Qingge sat up and tried to clear his head, he realized that Shen Jiu just sounded different. Everything about his body language was projecting fear and anxiety, in ways that he hadn't the previous days.

"You don't want your own bedroom?"

"I-," Shen Jiu looked lost, his eyes almost unseeing. "How could I have my own bedroom?"

"No one else stays here. You've not taken anyone's room. You can stay in there if you like."

Hesitance bleed into Shen Jiu's expression, "My master doesn't like it if I wonder off."

The way Shen Jiu was holding himself, it was like he was posed and prepared to be hit. Like he was expecting this to be a test, that if he said the wrong thing, it would justify some type of punishment. As Liu Qingge swung his legs over the edge of the bed to get up, he watched Shen Jiu take half a step back. Before realizing what he'd done, and stopping himself from fleeing any further.

"Master doesn't need to give me my own room. It's okay. I'm-," Complicated emotions showed on Shen Jiu's face as he finished the sentence, "I'm happy to stay with my master."

Having to think on his feet, understanding that Shen Jiu wasn't going to be reasoned with in this state. Mu Qingfang had warned Liu Qingge that their best hope would be memories and things of the past come to Shen Jiu while he's aware and he can digest them easily. But that if that wasn't the case, they could come to Shen Jiu in times where his mind is muddled and he loses himself.

Unable to distinguish what his mind is reminding him of, and whatever is in front of him. Placing the past over the present. Confused and disorientated, Mu Qingfang hadn't had much in the way of advice. They didn't know what to expect. All he could suggest is Liu Qingge do his best to go along with anything that isn't harmful, until Shen Jiu was calmed down and clear-headed enough to work through whatever he was remembering.

"Okay. Okay, you don't have to go back to that room. You're right, it's best if you stay here with me."

Nodding his head with a jerk. It didn't exactly seem to please Shen Jiu, but he did seem to relax a little. Like he'd passed something and wasn't so fearful anymore. With quiet steps, so unlike the usual noticeable way Shen Jiu had been moving around recently. Shen Jiu approached Liu Qingge's side. Believing Shen Jiu meant to sleep in the bed next to him, he lifted the blanket to make room for him.

An odd look came over Shen Jiu's face so Liu Qingge tried again, "Where does your master usually like you to sleep?"

Now Shen Jiu believed he was being tested again. Trying his best to be obedient and proper like was expected of him, Shen Jiu moved stiffly to the end of the bed. A look flashed across his features as he awkwardly pushed himself up. Cautious and looking over every now and again, to make sure he was doing the right thing. When his vision of his master didn't get angry, he finally settled at the end of the bed.

It looked uncomfortable and Shen Jiu didn't seem to completely relax at all. With one last look at Liu Qingge, he seemed to make a show of settling in. Obediently going to sleep at the foot of the bed. Though it made Liu Qingge uneasy, he didn't say anything. Unsure of what might set Shen Jiu off, he didn't even go off to find a blanket to put on top of him.

Neither of them really slept that night. Though, Shen Jiu fell asleep before Liu Qingge did. Liu Qingge contorted himself so he wouldn't accidently push Shen Jiu off the bed in a moment of carelessness. He laid awake for the rest of the night, thoughts racing in his mind. Although the lack of sleep made him feel groggy, he could still tell when Shen Jiu woke up and stiffened.

Body still trying to feign sleep as his thoughts worked a mile a minute. Liu Qingge could tell he was awake from the moment his body shifted, and his eyes moved under his eyelids, but he didn't call him out on it. Laying there on the bed himself, still as could be so he didn't disturb Shen Jiu. Whose breaths were louder than they had been last night. As if Shen Jiu had tried to quieten himself as much as possible.

"I'm sorry." Shen Jiu sounded mortified as he whispered it.

"Mu Qingfang said this could happen. Don't worry about it."

"But I bothered Liu-ge, and I'm invading Liu-ge's space, even more than I've already been doing."

Uncomfortable with his own actions, Shen Jiu could feel worry crushing his chest. Even though he'd only been here a short while, he'd already felt more comfortable and safer then he thinks he'd ever felt before. Though he can't exactly remember all that much, these feelings feel new. They're important to him. To embarrass himself like this felt like it risked everything he'd been granted so far.

Pulling himself into a tighter ball at the end of the bed. Impossible wrapped up around himself, like he hoped to make himself vanish. Shen Jiu couldn't help but pout at his own pathetic-ness. Memories and feelings had been coming to him in his waking moments. Some things he shared with Liu Qingge straight away, others he gives time for to work out by himself.

This had felt almost like an out of body experience. Where he couldn't feel in control no matter what he did. Yet, the next morning he was forced to remember every moment of it in excruciatingly vivid detail. Like some sort of punishment. Liu Qingge would be justified in kicking him out. Who'd want to deal with something like this over someone like Shen Jiu, who isn't Liu Qingge's responsibility.

Silence fell over them for a while and Shen Jiu was left to stew in his own anxiety. But before long, Liu Qingge patted the blanket over him and beckoned Shen Jiu to come up to him. At first, Shen Jiu just peered at him. Confused and hesitant. Though, it was clear he wasn't being kicked out, Shen Jiu didn't know why Liu Qingge would want him anywhere near him.

But that's exactly why Liu Qingge thought to do it. He had to reassure him that everything was fine, and that they could continue on as normal. On top of giving him medicine each day, Mu Qingfang had also later instructed Liu Qingge to do some generic checks over Shen Jiu whenever he could. Just to monitor him, even outside of Qian Cao Peak, it's important, he said.

Finally, Shen Jiu followed Liu Qingge's instructions. Crawling up the bed until he was awkwardly hovering over Liu Qingge. Everything besides Shen Jiu's comfort was as far from Liu Qingge's mind as possible. He didn't think anything of their position even as he had Shen Jiu sit down. From this position, Shen Jiu was looking down at Liu Qingge as they went through a few things he'd come to familiarize himself with.

"Put your hands between mine." Liu Qingge instructed as he held out his own hands, "Now push out as hard as you can."

Simple exercise to test Shen Jiu's strength and his regained mobility. Though Shen Jiu struggled to even move Liu Qingge's hands a millimetre outward, there was a lot more strength behind it then there had been the first time they'd tried. Pushing himself headfirst into the exercises also helped to clear his own mind of everything else. Biting his lip as he focused.

Holding onto Shen Jiu's hands with both of his own. Liu Qingge tested Shen Jiu's wrist movements and watched to see how well Shen Jiu could grip onto his hand as well. Most of these finer skills had come back to Shen Jiu pretty quickly. It was important though, to make sure everything continued to move and function as it was meant to just in case they missed something.

They moved through a few more. Just things they could do without getting out of bed just yet. The rest of Mu Qingfang's suggestions could be tested later on. For the most part Liu Qingge was just watching Shen Jiu closely. He was a little distracted, not knowing whether it was better to bring it up or wait for Shen Jiu to. Not wanting Shen Jiu to feel like it's shameful or something to hide.

"You're doing so well."

Voice soft and reassuring, Shen Jiu couldn't help but feel a little flustered. He can't think of the last time he'd received such direct praise. The words ringing in his head, making his skin darken with a blush Liu Qingge somehow managed to miss. Too caught up checking for any anxiety, pondering over the next best course of action for their situation.

"How about we get you something to eat before we keep going?" Liu Qingge said as he brought his hands down to rest on top of Shen Jiu's thighs, "Don't want you to get dizzy or lightheaded."

Dark smudges of exhaustion sat underneath Liu Qingge's eyes. Even if Shen Jiu wanted to argue or disagree, he didn't have the heart to right now. Easily accepting Liu Qingge's suggestion for breakfast. Anyway, breakfast always made Shen Jiu a little eager. It lit up his mood, so much so that he almost tripped over himself getting off the bed and rushing out the bedroom door.

Bringing his hands up to hover in front of his own face. Liu Qingge covered his face and groaned into his hands quietly. Now that he wasn't so focused, everything flooded into his brain at an incredible pace. How could he not feel embarrassed by his actions. He couldn't believe he'd acted so thick-skinned. Taking a moment for himself before he got up and followed Shen Jiu out into the main room.

Now, Liu Qingge didn't have to caution Shen Jiu against hot foods. Though, he still kept an eye on him to make sure he didn't burn himself. Noises of joy came from Shen Jiu, thanking Liu Qingge eagerly for the food. He'd found it easier to eat things with a spoon rather than chopsticks. So, as long as Shen Jiu could manage, he left him to eat each meal however he liked.

When Shen Jiu was almost at the bottom of his bowl it was clear he was prolonging it until he couldn't anymore, "Is Liu-ge going to ask about last night?"

"I can ask." Liu Qingge said carefully, "Or if you'd rather just tell me what you're comfortable with. Whatever works best for you, there's no rush."

Pouting at Liu Qingge for leaving the choice up to him. Half not wanting the responsibility and half feeling giddy over Liu Qingge's continued displays of respect and care. Shen Jiu muddled through his own thoughts. Though he can vividly remember everything that happened last night, why he was asking that way isn't as clear. Bits of his past and pieces of memories lingered.

Though it wasn't all that clear, Shen Jiu could more or less figure things out. It wasn't all that hard to piece together if he thought about it. Which was something he was growing increasingly not fond of. Thinking about it. The more time he spares to linger on all of these things, the more concrete and clear it all gets. Which in some respects is a good thing.

"When I was younger," His words started out slow, carefully talking through what he was piecing together. "I don't remember when or how I was taken in, but I believe I was taken in to be a household slave. The person or family that did this is still unclear but I think I was there for some time. Feels like I more or less begin and end with this period of my life. So, I think I was probably still there right before this happened to me."

Although Liu Qingge could make a guess, he still asked just to be clear, "Do you feel that they were kind to you?"

"I think someone was. In-between it all, I can picture someone talking to me. Their voice is clear and sweet, she asks me how my studies are going along and if I can read more words now."

"Can you not read?"

"No?" Shen Jiu answered the question with a worried frown. "Not really?"

"Oh."

Liu Qingge didn't mean anything bad by it. The sound he made though, it worried Shen Jiu. That he was less desirable or less useful if he couldn't read. It's not like he can't read at all, and he could be a quick learner if given the right instructions. He tried to convey this to Liu Qingge. Explaining that he doesn't feel like, in the past, he really got a chance to learn.

Spaced out for a moment, Liu Qingge realized that Shen Jiu seemed to be uncomfortable. Reassuring him that it's not disappointing or anything, it's just that he feels terrible that he hadn't gotten to it sooner. He hadn't even realized. Just the other morning Shen Jiu had offered to help Yang Yixuan with his tidying. Liu Qingge had completely missed Shen Jiu struggling to order the books on one of his shelves.

"We can help with that, if I'm no good at teaching then I'll find someone who can help."

"It's not an issue?"

Scrunching up his face as he tried to find the words to explain, "I want you to have the ability to read. It doesn't make you less than or anything, just because you can't currently read very well. But I just want to give you the opportunity to learn, you deserve that much."

Wanting to kick himself as he stumbled over his words. Honestly, Liu Qingge just felt embarrassed with himself. Assuming that everyone had the same opportunities as himself growing up is not a line of thought he should be having at this age. With all the things he's experienced over the years, he should know by now how not every single person gets to be educated and cultivate as easily as did.

"Is there anything else you want to learn? Did you get taught anything by your-," Liu Qingge looked like he was at pains to finish his sentence, "Master?"

Staring at him as he was, Liu Qingge didn't miss the expression that came and went just as quickly across Shen Jiu's face before he responded, "Nothing."

Not prying into that any further. Understanding that it wasn't the time to unpack whatever thought Shen Jiu had in his mind. Liu Qingge settled for explaining a few things and seeing if Shen Jiu would be interested in any of them. He was completely worldly experienced. Quick to adapt and mature. It's just that he'd never gotten the chance to learn to read or how numbers worked exactly.

Such a capable man, held back by his circumstance. Shen Jiu was so clearly a bright young man. Though he was far too thin and often appeared sickly, there was just still a glowing fire inside of him to keep going. He wasn't held back by the things that had disadvantaged him. Remaining curious and persistent. Liu Qingge admired him greatly for everything he'd witnessed.

But it still weighed heavy on Liu Qingge's heart. The things he's witnessed and will likely continue to witness. This is someone whose world and life experiences have clearly been marred by the actions of other people. All of these things out of his control that he's suffered under the weight of. It made Liu Qingge briefly think of Shen Qingqiu, and wonder if his story is anything like Shen Jiu's.

What part of their past diverges to have made two of them. They are separate people, but it's likely they've experienced similar upbringings up until a point. It feels invasive to know, then, that Shen Qingqiu might've suffered. That the man he became was influenced by the upbringing he'd endured. Liu Qingge considered that he might have to be more open minded in the future.

Although he'd grown over the years, there were still parts of his personality that needed improving. Shen Jiu's unwavering conviction, even as he faced new situations and experiences. It even managed to inspire Liu Qingge to want to be his best self. In a number of ways, it seemed that Shen Jiu was rubbing off on Liu Qingge in ways similar to how Liu Qingge was rubbing off on and influencing Shen Jiu.

"How about we start reading through my sword manual." The suggestion came from the fact that Liu Qingge didn't have much else to offer up in the way of light reading.

Lighting up at the mention of Liu Qingge's sword. Shen Jiu had Liu Qingge bring it out if they were going to read about its techniques. It was true that Liu Qingge wasn't the best teacher. But Shen Jiu felt comfortable at his side, even as he stumbled over identifying words. Mixing up familiar characters. He felt that he could borrow some of Liu Qingge's unwavering strength to push through it.

The bad feelings from the night before that had lingered into the morning were forgotten. Even though Shen Jiu was still piecing together his past, there were moments in his present that pulled him away from those thoughts. He valued them, and he understood that people had questions that he could only answer if he unlocked more of those hidden away aspects of himself.

It's just that, Shen Jiu valued his current experiences just as much. He wouldn't be whole just because he recovered his memories. The man he is currently is the same, he's just growing further with new experiences. Personally, he likes the man he is around Liu Qingge. Feels like it's probably the best version of himself that he's ever gotten to experience. He's thankful for it.

"You really named one of your moves this, Liu-ge?" His finger traced one of the sentences as he read it, smile forming on his face and staring at it intently enough that he didn't notice Liu Qingge's eyes watching him with a fondness anyone would be shocked to walk in on and witness.

Chapter Text

Momentarily dazed, Liu Qingge lay sprawled out on his back. A grassy field cushioning his fall. More than anything the body that had fallen on top of him had done the worst damage, but truly he hadn't felt it. Brain completely cleared of all other thoughts as he listened to that laughter. Giggling bubbling up and pouring out, light laughter that sounded pure and delighted.

There were no words to describe the sound. It was something he wanted to hear again, and again, and again. Completely carefree as the man on top of him pushed himself up onto his arms, putting some space between them finally. Eyes focusing in on nothing else other than the smile gracing Shen Jiu's face. How laughter had crinkled the corners of his eyes with humour.

Pretty pink lips spread into a wide smile, tapering of into a more subtle smile as he looked down at the man he'd fallen on top of. Liu Qingge still hadn't said a single word since they'd fallen. It probably seemed like he'd knocked his head falling down, but he was dazed by the man above him. The halo of the sun around his head making him look ethereally beautiful in that suspended moment between them.

"Sorry Liu-gege, I didn't mean to knock into you."

Up and off of Liu Qingge, Shen Jiu sat next to him before collapsing onto the ground next to him. Now laying back on the grass as well, he couldn't help his smile as it widened again. A few peels of laughter slipping out of his lips before sighing again. Still, Liu Qingge found himself utterly breathless and it had nothing to do with the fall he'd taken.

Putting a arm thrown over his eyes as Yang Yixuan bounded over. Breaking the moment between them with his delighted voice. Bouncing on his feels as he said something to Shen Jiu who was helped up from the grass. There was a few stray stains of grass on his sleeves but nothing more than a slightly disordered robe showed that he'd fallen in any way.

Most of his disheveled look had come before the fall. Although he'd gone around wearing his hair down these past few days, today he'd actually gone and tied his hair up into a high ponytail. Keeping it away from his face and clearing his line of sight. Liu Qingge had needed a moment to catch his breath when he'd seen the exposed nape of Shen Jiu's neck on display.

Earlier, he'd sent Yang Yixuan away to go practise with his sword. In the time it took to bathe himself, Liu Qingge had then realized the house was completely empty other than himself. Shen Jiu had disappeared off somewhere as well. At first, admittedly, Liu Qingge had wanted to panic. Like an innate sense of worry he always had when it came to the likes of Shen Jiu, it was only a naturally feeling.

But it hadn't taken him long to find him at all. Yang Yixuan trains in a grassy field not all that far away from Liu Qingge's house and Liu Qingge had spotted the two of them before they'd seen him. Sun not quite having risen to midday yet, still a little lower in the sky but brightening up the field. A breeze rolled by and did little more that rustle their robes.

Already sweaty and exerted by the time Liu Qingge got there. Shen Jiu had looked incredibly enthusiastic, a practise sword in hand as he stood opposite Yang Yixuan who was delighted to have someone to train against. He always carried two swords with him whenever he moved to the practise grounds. Whenever Liu Qingge had a spare few moments to help him train, he always wanted to be prepared for them.

In this case though, it had come in handy to let Shen Jiu have a go but, "You don't look like you know a single thing about sword fighting."

Those were the words Yang Yixuan was saying to Shen Jiu as he helped him up and dusted off the grass from his clothes. They were said lightly, with even a hint of laughter as his eyes glowed. It hadn't been the most beneficial spare he's ever had, usually Liu Qingge lays him on his ass within the first few minutes and he has to pull himself up to try again.

Only this time was different. Shen Jiu looked completely at a loss despite his enthusiasm. Asking Yang Yixuan to teach him and patiently watches as Yang Yixuan went through and explained the basics. Helped with his sword grip and form, although he didn't push Shen Jiu to do anything particularly strenuous or extreme. With those down, they faced off against each other in a little back and forth.

"Perhaps you've just forgotten?" Yang Yixuan tried to soften the blow this time, offering up a solution with an eager smile, "We could do some more training and see-,"

"Enough."

Just one word was enough to have Yang Yixuan snapping his mouth shut. He hadn't exactly been told off, but he understood that his Shizun wanted this subject to be dropped for now. A little clueless but eager to follow his Shizun's orders, Yang Yixuan took a step away from Shen Jiu and collected the swords. Removing the arm from over his eyes finally, Liu Qingge took one last look at the sky.

Soft clouds rolled across the sky. Drifting and passing them by in their moment. Finally, Liu Qingge pulled himself up off the ground and dusted himself off as well. Having taken the worst of the fall, his clothes were messier than Shen Jiu's had been. He didn't feel particularly bothered by that though. Despite the fact that he'd only just come from bathing.

Noiselessly approaching from the side, Shen Jiu sidled up to Liu Qingge and spoke, "Sorry, Liu-gege."

Moving his line of sight from his robes over to Shen Jiu felt like a mistake. He was looking up at him through dark lashes, round dark eyes endless. They shone with an energetic light that kept Liu Qingge's stare for a few moments. He found that he couldn't speak. Lost in Shen Jiu's gaze for the moment, losing his thoughts in the process before righting himself again.

"It's fine." The words he spoke weren't forceful, "Mu Qingfang suggested a few ways to help recover your memory. Thinking sword training would help isn't odd, but it's not a big deal that it didn't trigger anything. Compared to our Shen-, compared to what we know of our version of you, he isn't all that impassioned by sword fighting. It might not be enough to trigger any relevant past."

"Hmm." Shen Jiu hummed in understanding, blinking up at Liu Qingge.

"Anyway, you two head back for now and prepare for lunch."

Dismissed, both Shen Jiu and Yang Yixuan walked around either side of Liu Qingge. Going back the way Liu Qingge had just come a few minutes ago, all the while Shen Jiu was grinning cheekily at Yang Yixuan. They were back at the house before long, but Liu Qingge still hadn't moved from his spot. Staring out at the grassy field for a few long moments in silence.

Memory was a difficult thing, they'd come to find out. Besides helping Shen Jiu's physical body recover with activities and stretches, they hadn't seen as much in the way of mental development. His faculties were back, and he'd regained his major and fine motor skills. But it was like there was still something there, blocking most of Shen Jiu's memories from surfacing.

From what they'd seen of them so far, Liu Qingge couldn't blame Shen Jiu for not remembering. Since coming to stay with Liu Qingge, he'd found himself so comfortable and settled that things came back to him here and there. It was usually when he was exhausted from a good day of activities though. Guard down and vulnerable to what his mind would let slip.

Similarly to that first instance, things often happen when Shen Jiu's tired. Liu Qingge has been trying to keep him active and interested. In whatever moments he has free, Liu Qingge bring Shen Jiu out somewhere. Whether its for a walk around the peak or down the mountain. It's brought a liveliness to Shen Jiu, skin glowing with a pink flush that's brought colour back to his skin.

Completely smoothed out and healed, Shen Jiu looks healthy and happy. He'd even interacted with a few of the other cultivators on Bai Zhan Peak. Though his interaction with others is mostly limited to Liu Qingge himself, Yang Yixuan and stall owners who ask him questions. Doing everything he could for Shen Jiu's benefit was greatly appreciated by Shen Jiu, but it had significant drawbacks.

Things Shen Jiu had tried to keep to himself at first. He felt happiness that somehow, he just knew he'd never experienced before. How could he want to give that up for anything. But as he returned to his own bedroom at night, there was a lingering feeling of dread clinging to his thoughts. What was going to happen tonight. He would wonder what he'd have to endure.

Brain too tired to put up much of a defense. Shen Jiu would dream about an estate, not well defined but clear enough that he could remember peering out at the halls past a doorway whenever it was opened. Sat far away from the door that he couldn't peer out of it past that short view. For some reason, no matter where he appeared in the room, he was never any closer to that one point of entry and exit.

Inside the room he found himself in, there wasn't much to take note of. Shen Jiu could remember a table covered in scrolls and paper. Ink off to the side, stains of splattered black ink on the wooden table. Pots of writing utensils that Shen Jiu wouldn't know how to use. This room was somewhere Shen Jiu always remembered, but he had no idea if it belonged to him.

Something about that didn't make any sense to him. He didn't know how to read, so how could he have so many books on the shelves or how had he picked out the hanging scrolls of calligraphy. Part of him felt he didn't belong here or that he didn't want to belong here. But he could remember crawling onto the end of the bed as he'd been instructed to do, voice unclear and unfamiliar.

Each time Shen Jiu remembered vague parts of his past. The person with him was hard to distinguish, like he was being viewed through cloud or smoke. He wasn't always in Shen Jiu's line of sight, but he was always conscious of his presence. It wasn't so much that anything bad truly happened in those first few dreams. The sense of unease made Shen Jiu fee ill even long after he'd woken up from the dream.

Recounting his dreams to Liu Qingge, describing the sights to him. Nothing seemed familiar so Liu Qingge couldn't give his thoughts. Given the age Shen Jiu was at, he posed that it was likely wherever he'd been before coming to Cang Qiong Peak. Shen Jiu had simply nodded his head. Then the unease in his dreams had taken on a more physical form.

No longer did it just skirt around the edges of his unconscious mind. Shen Jiu could remember a hand striking him, vision dulled as he watched droplets of blood drip from his split lip. Could almost feel the bruise forming on his face. He couldn't hear the reprimand being yelled at him, ears ringing. Although he still remained the most unclear thing of all, it was that other person with him.

Protecting him from seeing who that person was meant that all he could focus on was the remnants of pain. But Shen Jiu didn't like to go into detail about that with Liu Qingge. Though he wasn't hiding anything from him, he explained things in simple terms. That it seemed he was unhappy there. His memories of that place seemed unpleasant, he didn't want to go back.

But as Liu Qingge stood there in that grassy field, he remembered the most recent dream. A few days ago now but it still stuck in his mind, clear as if it'd only just happened. Hearing a thud from Shen Jiu's room had woken Liu Qingge up. His anxiety on edge as it always was around Shen Jiu, he hadn't thought before rushing into the nearby bedroom to check in on him.

Perhaps it was nothing. Though it was clear and apparent that it wasn't nothing as soon as Liu Qingge pushed open the half opened bedroom door. On his knees, having scrambled from the bed in a panic. Chest heaving as he clutched at his underclothes with a fist. Knuckles white with the strength of his grip, twisting it as he held himself. Sobs forced out of him as if the floodgates had been knocked wide open.

Eyes wide, a little unclear but he wasn't out of it like he'd been that other night. When he'd come into Liu Qingge's room in a complete daze. No, Shen Jiu was all too conscious. The rims of his eyes were red, and his eyes were bloodshot. Large gulping inhales of breath, barely able to breath out as he hiccupped and sobbed. Body left shaking like a leaf.

Shivering as if he were called in the warm room. Body unable to feel anything other than fear and dread. Shen Jiu's eyes looked up at Liu Qingge, at first, they didn't seem to recognize him. To begin with, his presence only seemed to make Shen Jiu cower further. But he couldn't hold himself together like this, he was quickly falling apart even as he tried to physically hold himself together.

"Please. Please stop hurting me, I'll behave. I'll be good. Please, I can't take anymore than this. Make it stop, please." His sobs were unintelligible, murmured in some moments and almost screamed out through gritted teeth in others.

Liu Qingge could make out enough though. Eased Shen Jiu through it until his head cleared up enough to realize where he was, who he was with. Lessening he immediate fear he felt. Though it didn't erase all the feelings so easily, he still shook with fear as Liu Qingge gathered him in his arms. Trying his best to soothe him, though he'd never been good at comforting people exactly.

After that night, he hadn't wanted Shen Jiu to endure anything more alone. He'd set him up to have his own space in Liu Qingge's bedroom. At first, he'd offered Shen Jiu his bed, and that he'd sleep on the floor. Which was something Shen Jiu couldn't accept. Clear headed and better than he had been the night previous, hearing this was absurd, he wasn't going to evict Liu Qingge from his own bed.

It felt improper to suggest they both sleep in his bed as a compromise. Eventually, he was able to situate the two beds within his bedroom, and create a space for Shen Jiu in there. They'd both slept better this way. On top of that, Liu Qingge had been more diligent about how he exhausts Shen Jiu. Even taking him to Qi Qingqi's peak for some soothing, calming teas.

With the new room situation as it was though, Yang Yixuan had stumbled in one morning in search of Shen Jiu. Not having found him in the bedroom set aside for him, he had all but lost his voice when he'd watched the two of them come out from Liu Qingge's room. Tidying up their robes or putting their hair up. They'd all stopped to stare at each other in that moment.

Face reddening and unable to find the words to explain himself. Liu Qingge had truly looked like a dear caught in the headlights. There was nothing untoward about what they were doing, that was obvious between the two of them. How could they explain that to Yang Yixuan. The boy was staring at the two of them like he was on the verge of accusing them of something.

"Don't worry, your Shizun still has his virtue and dignity intact. He's being kind enough to watch over me. He wouldn't sully himself with the likes of me, silly." His voice had sounded almost cheerful, pinching Yang Yixuan on the cheek as he spoke and lead him away.

Hi voice had sounded like he'd said something similar once. Like he hadn't even meant to say it, but as if this reality and the reality of before overlapped. Making Shen Jiu explain himself for someone else's sake. Putting himself down to lift someone else up, just to put someone else at ease. It churned Liu Qingge's stomach, even as Shen Jiu put effort in to distracting Yang Yixuan.

They didn't talk about it, not exactly. It didn't seem like something Shen Jiu would want to talk about. Maybe it was something he'd remembered and hadn't brought up to Liu Qingge again. On the other hand, it could've been something that bubbled up unconsciously. Looking into it might make Shen Jiu uneasy. Liu Qingge positioned himself as someone Shen Jiu could say anything to but he didn't expected Shen Jiu to spill all his secrets.

It was difficult operating like that. Delighted any time Shen Jiu extended to him his trust, opening up about something he remembered. Discussing his pain and his worries with Liu Qingge. Comforted even by someone like Liu Qingge who didn't have much to offer in the way of softness. They tried to make it work on both of their ends, meeting in the middle.

On top of that, Shen Jiu had tried to encourage some more positive memories. Mentioning the books from that room he'd been in, and how, although he couldn't read, he'd so enjoyed looking at the painted pictures in each of them. Liu Qingge spared no effort to get Shen Jiu some books to enjoy then. No matter how thick or difficult to read, as long as they had pictures to look at, they'd work.

Lips plush and pink around a small treat Liu Qingge had brought back. Shen Jiu had sat there for a moment, not quite biting down yet. After finally chewing through a small bite, he'd explained that he remembered something tasting quite similar. It was the first delicious thing he'd ever had. The flavour easily became his favourite. That some young girl had gifted him the treat.

"Was she kind to you?"

Already making note to get foods with similar flavours to this one. Liu Qingge had inquired gently. Though Shen Jiu furrowed his brows in thought, he seemed to agree with uncertainty. She had extended some degree of kindness unto him, but it was too entwined with the one who hurt him for him to distinguish them. It was hard for him to explain, she still made him uneasy, but she'd never gone out of her way to hurt him.

Progress was hard to measure this way. Shen Jiu had developed a healthy glow to him, and his skin had even darkened just a little with how much sun he'd been under lately. Moving about and tending to his own basic necessities was easy for him. Things had gotten better for him in leaps and bounds. But there were still those things holding him back and weighing down on him.

Hours passed and the sun that had been struggling to reach is peak, had already begun its descent back down. Nighttime was wrapping around them, and Liu Qingge was in his house moving things around. Preparing tea for Shen Jiu to settle him down for tonight. Flame growing and flickering away as the water began to boil. The scent of tea aromatic and natural.

Sometimes Shen Jiu would sit himself down and stare out into nothingness. Much like what he was doing now, though Liu Qingge couldn't begin to wonder what thoughts were going on in his mind. He left him to his own devices as he prepared the tea. Looking back every now and again to keep an eye on him but not bothering him further than that for now.

"The sword is beautiful; I've seen it in action!" Yang Yixuan spoken earlier when Shen Jiu had first enquired about wielding a sword, ranting and raving about the beautiful Xiu Ya sword that the Shen Qingqiu he knows, wields.

In the safety of his own head, Shen Jiu was lost in thought about it. He'd heard people discussing the other version of himself, the one they were all familiar with and used to. The person he'd been mistaken for when they'd first discovered him. There was something about the way he made people light up, the praise they all had for him, it made an emotion get stuck in Shen Jiu's throat.

He couldn't even get the basics of sword play down. Had enjoyed his fun with Yang Yixuan, truly he had, but embarrassing himself in front of Liu Qingge had settled in his bones soon after. What he'd heard about the man, Shen Jiu thought he couldn't be anything like that. So many of his emotions were too obvious, his sensitivity and ability to lose himself were too amateurish.

As he began to wonder what Liu Qingge could possibly think of him, a thought came to mind and he mindlessly blurted out, "I think I was meant to get married."

The sound of a cup shattering completely broke Shen Jiu free from his thoughts. Eyes focusing in and sharpening, before his eyes flickered off to the side to see Liu Qingge standing ramrod straight. Wide eyed like he'd just been caught doing something. Mouth open like he was working his way around a word that he been ripped from his throat, he blinked before closing his mouth.

"Married?"

"Hmm." Shen Jiu just hummed in agreement, looking away again.

Searching his memories was an arduous task. Tiring, like wading through thick mud and peering into pure darkness. But as the thought came to him, thinking back on it, something about it rang true. He'd been set to wed someone, even at his young age. It wasn't all that uncommon, for young people to get married. It just hadn't even come to mind, that he'd had that in his past.

For all he's seen of his past and the experiences he's had, there wasn't a single person he loved back then. More than anything, he knows that to be true. There were feelings of empathy, sadness and mourning. But nothing so close to love or happiness to be around someone. He'd experienced pain, suffering and fear. All of that was true and real, it made his fingers shake as he reached for the new cup Liu Qingge handed over.

"Is that-," Liu Qingge started but felt his voice sounded a particular way so he tried again, "Is that something you want? To get married? Should you be looking for the person you were to marry?"

Without a single speck of hesitation, "No."

"You're sure?"

Even as he asked, it was like he sighed in relief. Something about that comforted Shen Jiu and solidified his response. Reaffirming his stance, he repeated that he didn't want anything to do with his past. Nothing about his memories called to him, and they offered him very little comfort. Enduring these memories as they came back to him was one thing, but he didn't wish to seek any of them out.

"I'll keep remembering, to help piece together what happened to my body and why I turned up the way I did. Outside of that though, I don't think my past has anything good to offer me. I don't want anything to do with any of it."

Although he hadn't exactly been thinking about it in such a way. He felt his words ring true and he felt oddly comforted by his decision and stance. Uncertainty and worry had pervaded him since he first gained consciousness again. Settling in with Liu Qingge had felt like a momentary fix, just until he got his memories back. But that's not what Shen Jiu wanted anymore.

Perhaps it wasn't what he ever wanted but still he said, "If you don't wish for me to stay any longer, I can-,"

"Don't. Don't go."

His words were forced out so roughly, that it embarrassed even Liu Qingge, face reddening as he said again, "I don't mean to pressure you into staying. If you want to live this new life of yours elsewhere, I can't force you to stay. But please don't feel like I'd kick you out."

It had been only a few weeks with Shen Jiu staying here. Yet the comfort he'd received was immense, if this was all his life had offered for him on his second chance, then he'd be grateful. Liu Qingge allowing him to stay longer than that, was more of a blessing then Shen Jiu had ever believed he'd receive. For him, someone wanting him to stay but not forcing his hand, he couldn't believe it.

He'd felt trapped. Locked away in that room, even as he only experienced it in his mind. He hadn't wanted to be there, but no matter how many times that door opened and closed, he'd never been able to leave. Suffocating. Being contained and controlled by someone, especially someone who seemed to hold ill feelings towards him. He couldn't help but breathe a little easier.

Off to the side, Liu Qingge looked a little anxious. Fingers coming together around his own cup, but he hadn't taken a sip. Lips drawn together, like he was waiting for a final verdict. Probably not even realizing that he'd tensed up, preparing for a blow. Shen Jiu couldn't help but spare a few moments to take him in. His cute side is incredibly endearing; it's probably one of Shen Jiu's favourites to see.

Maybe it was selfish of him, perhaps it was a little cruel. But the unease that had come off of Liu Qingge when Shen Jiu had spoken about a past marriage arrangement, had made him incredibly happy. He wanted Liu Qingge to be thinking about him. The way he'd shot out to stop Shen Jiu from leaving, as if it was something Shen Jiu even wanted to do. Made Shen Jiu feel wanted.

Not wanting to scare him off or have Liu Qingge put into words, that he's under the wrong impression. Shen Jiu kept these thoughts and feelings close to his chest. He would treasure them, and hope that maybe something would come of it. But he wasn't impatient, he'd been given what he wanted. A place to stay by Liu Qingge's side, and for now, that would have to do.

A blindly bright smile shone across Shen Jiu's features as he managed to get the words out, "Thank you Liu-gege, I'll have to keep imposing on you then."

Chapter Text

A few times here and there, when Liu Mingyan is able to find a spare moment, she's been helping Shen Jiu develop his writing. Though Liu Qingge has gone out of his way to help Shen Jiu learn how to read and expand his vocabulary. Nobody compares to his younger sister in both the fine, perfected strokes of her words and the choice of words she implements in her writing.

Whenever she goes away to help on some sort of mission. Liu Qingge always finds himself impressed by her letters back, either official to Yue Qingyuan or personal, back to Liu Qingge. It made sense, then, that she'd be enlisted to help Shen Jiu. Who'd been unabashedly grateful for her efforts. Praising her work and getting giddy at the prospect of having her over for another session.

More so than anyone Liu Qingge had ever met. Shen Jiu adapted well and learnt at an incredible pace. Both in reading and writing, Shen Jiu had quickly become more than capable of expressing himself and his thoughts and learning about new things. Though it seemed he'd never quite gotten the opportunity to learn either of these things before. It was clear he was more than making up for it now, with this opportunity.

Now they were at Xian Shu Peak. A light drizzle of rain had fallen on their way over. Water dripping off the leaves of the swaying trees, as they collected and got too heavy to stay on top of those little green leaves. Rolling down the eaves of the roof above them as well. Liu Qingge had made sure Shen Jiu travelled with a coat, so he hadn't gotten too wet.

Though Yang Yixuan had been less prepared for the rain. Rushing on ahead of both of them to a small room on the edge of Xian Shu Peak. One reserved for taking in any male guests or cultivators who needed to discuss things. It made it so that Qi Qingqi didn't have to subject her girls to a bunch of men walking about, disturbing the peace they'd created in their peak.

Sitting at a low table was Qi Qingqi with a pot of tea already prepared. Shang Qinghua was at her side, listening to her talk about something. He was moving a few slips of paper about on the table, gathering them into a pile. When they'd arrived, Liu Mingyan had already prepared a table off to the side. Plain pieces of paper laid out with a pot of ink beside it, brushes of differing sizes above the paper.

Liu Qingge was left to catch Shen Jiu's coat as he shrugged it off easily. Yang Yixuan was laid spread out across the floor over to the side. Panting after having run out of the rain. He was star fished, arms in every direction as he relaxed into the warm atmosphere of the room. A small fire pit was burning but the heat wasn't too oppressive, despite the smaller size of the room.

Wasn't quite evening, but they'd left morning behind hours ago. When Liu Qingge entered the room and caught sight of Shang Qinghua, a thought came to mind. He hadn't seen much of the other Peak Lords since he'd taken Shen Jiu into his peak. Part of it was wanting a calm atmosphere for Shen Jiu to get comfortable in. Without having a bunch of new faces around.

Invading his space and setting him on edge. The other part of his worries was concerning himself with the others saying something wrong. Shen Jiu was sensitive, but not so sensitive that he couldn't listen to a single misstep in someone's words. It's just that, Liu Qingge wanted to avoid any missteps if at all possible. Even his own words tripped him up at times, making him worried he'd said too much or the wrong thing.

Unlike her older brother, Liu Mingyan didn't hold such reservations. Catching Shen Jiu's attention with their work, and speaking with a soft, quiet ease that seemed to come naturally to her, again, unlike her older brother. Glad for Shen Jiu's attention to have been taken away though as he made eye contact with Shang Qinghua. Despite not having opened his mouth yet, the other man seemed to understand something.

Speaking in an even tone down at Shen Jiu, Liu Qingge said, "I'm going to talk outside with Shang Qinghua for a moment."

Although Shen Jiu wasn't some lost child, he's a more than capable man in his own right. Liu Qingge disappearing unannounced makes him feel uneasy. This was something that Liu Qingge had found out the hard way. Announcing he was moving out of sight, even just for the moment, was the most reassuring thing he could do. Shen Jiu was distracted though, nodding his head to show he'd heard.

Clearly understanding his summons, Shang Qinghua excused himself from Qi Qingqi's low table. As the two of them turned to walk right back out the door Liu Qingge had just come through, Shen Jiu raised his eyes to follow them. They weren't completely out of sight. Even as the front door was closed, a window to the side showed the pair of them were just standing under the eaves of the roof.

Right outside this small room. Liu Qingge had his back to the window, so Shen Jiu couldn't see what expressions he was making or watch his lips move. Without being able to see him, Shen Jiu only spared a momentary glance towards Shang Qinghua before returning to his work. The man across from Liu Qingge had a passive expression on his face as if he were listening intently.

"Anything words in particular you want to learn?"

Having covered the basics and learnt a variety of poems. Liu Mingyan pushed a fallen piece of hair behind her ear, leaning gracefully with her head tilted to wait for Shen Jiu's answer. They were about the same height at this point. Sitting side by side like this was comfortable. For a moment, Shen Jiu sat quietly and thought it over until he came up with an answer.

"Gege's name."

His words were spoken almost distractedly, like his mind was elsewhere. A short moment had Liu Mingyan puzzled, wondering who Shen Jiu was referring to until she saw his eyes stray back to the window. Gazing at the man whose back was still turned to them. His arms were folded in front of his chest, back straight and hair tied up. Liu Mingyan was quick to understand.

A soft smile graced her face, "Well that's easy enough."

With Shen Jiu's focused attention back on her, she moved her brush to demonstrate the different strokes. Her writing was clean and neat, showing each stroke clear as could be. Though Shen Jiu hadn't written Liu Qingge's name out before, he took to it naturally. Even just his first attempt was beautifully executed. Liu Mingyan was always eager with her praise, always wanting Shen Jiu to be encouraged.

She'd helped many people out during her travels. Mostly street kids in small villages or towns who didn't have the access to education they needed. Although they could have asked her for anything, many of them asked to learn simple things. Their own families names, their own names and how to write lists incase they needed to in the future. She couldn't help but think back on them.

Though it wasn't just the young she'd helped, many of the elderly she'd come across hadn't had the chance to learn in their youth. She'd come across grieving old men, wishing to write more than just their departed wives names down. Aging women who wish to learn how to write a particular poem or prayer, for their children who'd gone from this world too soon.

It hurt her heart dearly to see how it affected people, to lack the ability to read or write at a satisfactory level. There was so much, that so many people wanted to do. It's just that they'd been helped back by poverty or other circumstance. There was never an age too shameful to begin learning and further developing ones skills. She was all too eager to be the one to help people out with it.

While many of the greater threats had been defeated or dealt with. There was no shortage of situations that needed their assistance. Liu Mingyan could feel her own Shizun's eyes on her. She'd taught her no shortage of abilities, had trained her to be more capable than she'd ever hoped that Liu Mingyan would turn out. But her pride in these abilities of Liu Mingyan, her kindness and empathy, were more vivid than any other.

Crawling his way over to the low table the pair sat at. Yang Yixuan had clearly had enough of lazing about. Looking down at the different things that had been written out in ink. He pulled himself up to look down at it all, hands splayed on either end of the desk. Eyes hovering over the pages before he realized he was looking at it all upside down and came over to their side.

"Have you learnt how to write 'Shen Qingqiu' yet?"

Completely missing the way Shen Jiu stiffened at his side, Yang Yixuan continued on, "I like the way 'Qingqiu' is written, won't you try it?"

It was like Shen Jiu had been submerged in freezing cold water. A water clock over at the side could barely be heard over the dripping rain outside. Time was ticking on though, nevertheless, and Shen Jiu was just sitting there. Staring down at the paper. Blank stare barely taking in any of the words he'd written down, not even the name he'd just mastered.

"Shen-shishu is so incredible, he's as pretty as his name." His voice was light and carefree as he sidled up beside Shen Jiu. "Have I talked about the time I first met him? It's all thanks to Shen-shishu that Shizun even took me in. I'm so grateful to him, I hope he comes back soon. It's been too long since he was here, and Shizun is always so happy to see him."

Rambling away in his one sided conversation, Yang Yixuan urged Shen Jiu to pick the brush up again. Noticing that Shen Jiu hadn't written anything, he chalked it up to Shen Jiu just not knowing how to. Gently taking the brush from between his fingers with little difficulty. Shen Jiu's grip was loose anyway, the brush precariously held aloft, soon to be dropped down onto the paper.

In a messier scrawl then Liu Mingyan's neat script. Yang Yixuan performed stroke after stroke, until the name was displayed on the paper in front of them. His writing was harder to make out, but it was clear enough what each part of the name said. Shen Jiu's gaze was fixated down at the table in front of him. He couldn't help but see the name spread out.

Written specifically for his eyes. The brush was reinserted into his grip, and Yang Yixuan helpfully wrapped his fingers around Shen Jiu's hand, making sure he was now holding on tight. Unable to form any words at all, least of all to explain himself out of this situation. Shen Jiu put his brush down onto the paper, performing the necessary strokes to begin the name.

By the time Liu Qingge was coming back into the room, Shen Jiu had gotten up and was waiting for him by the door. Even as Shen Qingqiu, there had always been a height difference between the two men. Shen Jiu stood even shorter than Shen Qingqiu did. Despite this, somehow, he looked even smaller than usual. As Liu Qingge stepped into the room, Shen Jiu grabbed his sleeve.

He said he wasn't feeling well. Perhaps he was sick or just tired, but he wanted to go back. His voice wavered on saying home, he wanted to go back home but all he could get out was that he wanted to go back. His expression was worried and fretful but as Liu Qingge looked over his head at the others present, nobody seemed to know what had transpired.

Unable to find a reasonable reason to force Shen Jiu to stay longer. Liu Qingge bid the others farewell, leaving the rest of them behind as he took Shen Jiu back. He hadn't seen the paper Shen Jiu had, had in front of him. Nor had his gaze landed on the dark splotch of ink that had covered part of the name he'd been writing, the ink spreading out from where he'd dropped the brush down.

The rain seemed to pick up at this moment. But Liu Qingge hadn't had a moment to put the coat back on Shen Jiu, instead they walked through the rain hoping to get back to the peak quick enough. Shen Jiu looked drenched by the time they'd returned. Though they'd only suffered through the worst of the rain halfway through the walk, it seemed to have soaked into Shen Jiu's bones.

Yet he didn't seem to feel the cold. He'd already been slightly shivering before the rain had even fallen, not that Liu Qingge had noticed. Too caught up in his worry and focus on getting Shen Jiu back. Instead of letting the water heat up in time, Liu Qingge made a sign and warmed the water up himself. Depositing Shen Jiu into the water and letting him soak up the heat until he wasn't so chilled.

"How are you feeling?"

Leaning against the lip of the bath, staring out at Liu Qingge as he moved about the space. At that question, Shen Jiu slipped away from the lip of the tub and put himself further into the warm water. Only his eyes seemed to be visible above the water. Dark hair spread out across the top of the water. Gaze downcast and eyes a dark colour, shiny in the light.

"Did somebody upset you?"

Worrying himself over how it was his fault if Shen Jiu got sick. Letting him out when he knew it was likely to rain. A coat wasn't enough, he should've been more cautious. But at Shen Jiu's reaction to his question, all those thoughts disappeared from his mind. Replaced with the nagging sensation that something else was wrong. Though he didn't want to interrogate Shen Jiu over it.

Back turned to the man in the bathtub. Liu Qingge continued doing this and that, removing his outer layers so that they could be cleaned and dried. Instead of moving Shen Jiu along to warm himself up, he seemed content with letting Shen Jiu soak. Continuing on with that last layer of clothing, sticking to him and probably chilling his skin the longer he kept it on.

"I'm sorry." The word was quiet enough to almost go unheard, Shen Jiu lifting his face enough just to free his lower face from the water.

Lashes sticking together wetly from the bath water. Shen Jiu looked up at Liu Qingge, who'd finally turned around. Staring up at him through dark lashes, eyes shining where they caught the flickering flame of a nearby candle. Lighting up part of his expression. His hair was down, and he looked so small, in a way that had Liu Qingge's heart aching.

Moving towards the bathtub and kneeling down next to it as he responded, "You don't have anything to apologize for."

"I keep making things difficult."

Getting his memories back was a difficult process. Not just in having to remember them, but having to live with the consequences of remembering them. Bits he shared with Liu Qingge, pain halves and shared. They made him feel safer, even as he recalled painful things. But there were the things he didn't go into detail with, that he carried by himself.

How was he meant to share any of these thoughts with Liu Qingge. They were shameful. Explaining that he used to be a slave, that he'd been taken in off the streets, it was one thing to talk about that. But there was more to his past there than just beatings and being treated like an object, an animal to keep the end of his master's bed warm.

Feeling of impending doom. Like he was always counting down to something. Those lingering thoughts of marriage that he'd never brought up again, and the notion that he'd be forever tied down to this family. The shape of that name, lingering in his eyes no matter how he tried to blink it away. The sick feeling that rose up in his throat as he remembered more, and those memories became more vivid.

At first, things had been unclear and hard to focus in on. Memories shared were vague ideas, piecing together what he could and understanding what was being shared with him. Now though, he was literally faced with these memories more often than not, in a way that made him feel like he was there. No longer working on instinct, body understanding without understanding, what happened.

The sensation of hands on him. Of eyes that never strayed from him, staring down at him like he was nothing. Something beneath their boot that they can treat however they please, nobody was ever going to stop them. No one was coming to Shen Jiu's rescue. No matter how loud his voice was, nobody was helping him. He'd become quieter, his voice growing less used the longer he endured.

Blinking out of his thoughts, Shen Jiu repeated, "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize to me. Just focus on warming up for now, I'll go prepare something for your dinner while I wait for you to finish."

Seeing Liu Qingge retreating filled Shen Jiu with dread. But he held it in, still able to hear him from the other room. Could almost envision the heat of the flame as he worked to make some food. The delicious smells that came with Liu Qingge's dinner wafting through the house, creating a comforting atmosphere. How could Shen Jiu call him this way and that, while he's so busy tending to him already.

Calmly, Shen Jiu sat in that bath until the water began to lose it's heat. Only then did he push himself out of the tub and wrap himself up warmly. Footsteps light as he stepped out of the room and moved over towards the kitchen. Liu Qingge was at the stove with his back to Shen Jiu. Hair out of his face, eyes focused on the task at hand, not even hearing Shen Jiu's approach.

Which he was grateful for because he wanted the chance to just stare. Hair still damp from the bath, Shen Jiu looked on at Liu Qingge's form as he turned to do something else and finally caught sight of Shen Jiu. He tensed up before relaxing, realizing who had snuck up on him. It looked like it didn't bother him at all, that his guard could be so let down.

"We already had some things left over and I prepared some sides as well."

Pork wontons, osmanthus sticky-rice balls and eel noodle soup were heated up and prepared. Bowls of rice, finely sliced vegetables and different sauces laid out on the table. Liu Qingge promised to take only a moment cleaning up, then he'd join Shen Jiu for dinner. Despite the promise, Shen Jiu didn't start eating until Liu Qingge reappeared in dry robes and with drying hair.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know if I want to meet Shen Qingqiu."

Those words honestly took Liu Qingge by surprise. He hadn't expected that that's what had happened earlier today. Last night they'd received word from Shen Qingqiu himself, that they were finally on their way to approaching Cang Qiong Peak. That it would only be a short while until they were back. Shen Jiu hadn't seemed to react in any particular way to the news.

Liu Qingge hadn't expected him to be harbouring these feelings. Unable to figure out what to say, Liu Qingge brought the chopsticks he'd been holding out to grab onto something, up to his mouth and continued to eat. Eyes focusing on Shen Jiu, not imploring him to say more but encouraging him to if he wished. Shen Jiu held his gaze for a moment before looking down at his soup.

"Mn, Liu-ge, I promise I'm not trying to be difficult."

Swallowing his food, Liu Qingge didn't let him say more, "Whatever you want to do, that's what we'll do. You aren't selfish, you're also recovering. Don't let yourself worry about such trivial things."

"But I don't know if I'll ever be ready to see him."

"Can I ask why?"

"I don't understand how he could-,"

A look Liu Qingge couldn't decipher came across Shen Jiu's features. As he sat there, a little hunched over to eat his meal. Something about the expression reminded Liu Qingge of the time Shen Jiu asked not to be referred to by the name Shen Qingqiu. Liu Qingge could never claim to know everything. But he could understand enough, for him to grasp Shen Jiu's unease.

"You don't have to see him." Liu Qingge said easily, picking up some more food, "If you change your mind, it's no issue. But you don't have to see him, ever, if you don't want to."

"But it would probably help you guys understand my situation, wouldn't it?"

Tossing around the question in his head, Liu Qingge answered, "Perhaps, but maybe not. You are two different people. More than anything, it'd likely help to jog your memory if you have similar histories. Outside of that, it's for your sake more than our own. I'm happy as you are now, selfishly, I'm not worried about you regaining your old memories. Having you here, as you are now, is enough for me."

A flush of pink overcame his cheeks and the tips of his ears. Quickly moving to shove the food in his mouth as a distraction, looking away from Shen Jiu as he chewed on his food thoroughly. Taking so long that Shen Jiu couldn't help but smile finally. He couldn't quite explain to Liu Qingge just yet, exactly what difficulties he had with this topic.

But it made him happier than anything, that Liu Qingge was not only, just so accommodating. On top of that, that he's also pleased with Shen Jiu as he is. At the beginning, Shen Jiu felt like an incomplete person. It felt vaguely humiliating, to have these flashbacks of memory from his past and adapt to and change with what he's learnt. Like he's trying to become that person again.

To be told that the person he is right now, is okay all in all. It makes Shen Jiu's chest fill with warmth. Clutching at the material of his robes laying across his thighs, Shen Jiu couldn't hold back the pleased smile on his face. The sight of it was the only thing that drew Liu Qingge's gaze back to him. Taking a moment to stare before he started chewing his food again, finally swallowing it down.

"Not that I want to discourage you, if you want to get back all your memories." Liu Qingge said, as if a desperate afterthought to reassure She Jiu.

"Thank you." Shen Jiu murmured, although he wasn't quite sure what the thanks was for exactly, he just felt so light and giddy.

Dinner was finished mostly in comfortable silence after that. Both of them left thinking their own thoughts and trying to ease their own concerns. Liu Qingge's ever-present worry that he needed to keep Shen Jiu safe, wanting him to be happy. Shen Jiu's concerns about who he is and how others see him. They weren't enough to consume them, but they lingered in their minds.

No amount of worry could remove the pleasant feeling from Shen Jiu's chest. His heart was beating happily away behind his ribs; an immense satisfaction he'd never had the chance to feel before. Without even a hint of a nightmare or loose strand of memory pulling him in. Shen Jiu contently settled in to sleep. Falling asleep quicker than ever, long before Liu Qingge managed to prepare for bed and fall asleep.

Given, Liu Qingge did spend an extra few moments just staring at Shen Jiu's peaceful expression. They turned in fairly early that night. Meaning they didn't quite notice the messenger butterfly flying about. A second message from Shen Qingqiu had flown in through this means of communication. Unlike the night previous, they were too far into sleep to catch sight of it.

Whatever Shen Qingqiu had sent ahead of himself in that message. Wasn't received by either Shen Jiu or Liu Qingge as intended. The pair of them comfortably fast asleep, done with their day long before Shen Qingqiu was. Though they wouldn't understand the consequence of this until later. How letting their guards down and finding just a moment of peace, would lead to such an event unfolding before them.

Chapter Text

A cold chill blew through the open front door as the young lady entering spoke, "I'm sorry for not visiting sooner, I wasn't sure if you'd be happy to see me or not."

Protecting her from potential rain and the cold wind, Ning Yingying had come in from outside wearing a coat over her robes. A darker red coat draped over her shoulders and pretty pink robes with white flowers woven into the material. She looked her absolute best. Even her hair had been done up, braided and looped into an intricate or better yet, complicated, hairstyle.

Gold tipped pink flowers hung as accessories from the hairpin she'd put in earlier. Her cheeks were dusted a light pink colour that spread as she bowed, a little embarrassed and flustered despite not having done anything wrong. Shen Jiu didn't want her to feel bad, waving his hands around as if he could physically dispel any guilt she was feeling.

Ming Fan was standing back just outside the front door. Liu Qingge was out there speaking with him, their voices just loud enough to hear over the conversation being held indoors. Two painted umbrellas were leant up against the front of the house, waiting for when they'd depart. It wasn't certain that it would rain at all on that day, but they just wanted to be prepared.

Cang Qiong Mountain was big enough that travelling between the different peaks took some time. Let alone travelling down the mountain itself, by the time you arrive at the bottom, quite a bit of time had lapsed. Getting out of the rain once you're in it is difficult, so bringing umbrellas just in case is the best they can do. Leaves from the trees were rustled by the wind, a few fell off their branches and floated to the grass below.

"Please don't worry yourself." Shen Jiu was a little embarrassed himself, feeling like everyone had to treat him a particular way like he was difficult. "I'd be more worried you'd find yourself uncomfortable in my presence. Being like your own Shizun but not quite."

"When I heard what had happened originally, I'd been occupied. Then when I thought to come over, I worried about overstepping. Now I'm glad to have been able to meet you, even if it is to steal your- to steal Liu-shishu way."

Letting out a light laugh, Shen Jiu once again reassured that it was all fine. Not wanting to see Shen Qingqiu himself hadn't stopped Shen Jiu from encouraging Liu Qingge to go meet with him. Though he hadn't been sure at first, Shen Jiu explained that he'd feel horrible if Liu Qingge didn't go just for his sake. It's fine, it'll be a few hours at most.

Though it'll be the longest amount of time they've spent apart. Shen Jiu is sure he can handle it, can spend the time milling about doing this or that. Perhaps he would make the house look nice and pretty for when Liu Qingge returns. That'll surely please him. With these reasonings and thoughts, Shen Jiu finally made it so that Liu Qingge felt comfortable agreeing to go.

Given they don't get to see Shen Qingqiu, and Binghe by association, very often, the other Peak Lords would be going to Qing Jing Peak to meet with them. Liu Qingge was going down the Mountain with Shen Qingqiu's disciples to greet them. Reasoning that the sooner he saw Shen Qingqiu, the sooner he could get back home. Not wanting Shen Jiu to be left alone.

Yang Yixuan wanted to go as well. He'd been denied by his Shizun, explaining that they didn't want to overwhelm the two of them before they even made it a single step up the mountain. Although he was pouting through the explanation, he gave in to his Shizun. Bring promised that he'd be called out when the timing was good, for his chance to see the Shen Qingqiu he adores so much.

"I'll stay here while I wait then." Yang Yixuan had grinned up at his Shizun, like he was displaying the upmost obedience.

Meaning Yang Yixuan was currently sat at the table stirring around some congee. Looking pleased as could be with his meal, letting the others talk amongst themselves. Up until he was permitted to go visit Shen Qingqiu, he was content to just enjoy his own company. Shen Jiu had stared at him for a while with a look on his face before turning his attention away.

Ning Yingying was set to travel herself after this visit. It's why she's dressed up so well, that and she swore it was to look good for her Shizun returning. Cheeks blushing a fiercer red as she sneakily looked back at Liu Qingge, explaining that herself and Liu Mingyan would be going away for a short while. Nothing serious and nothing so permanent as what Shen Qingqiu and Binghe did.

There wasn't much left for them to discuss. By now the two visitors would be returning back to the mountain, and if they didn't leave soon, they'd probably miss getting to greet them at the bottom. The stair sweepers would be hard at work by this time. Methodically cleaning the steps up and down the mountain. The sun was rising in the sky, not quite reaching it's highest point.

"We'll be heading off now then."

"Mn, be safe."

Once Ning Yingying had bowed and walked back out the front door. Liu Qingge stepped back in to replace her, standing before Shen Jiu in his dark blue robes for the day and his hair tied up neatly. Unlike Ning Yingying and even Ming Fan, with his hair done up and a new expensive set of robes put on. Liu Qingge hadn't done anything out of his usual routine to go meet with Shen Qingqiu.

Though, he always looked good no matter what he did. Whether he dressed himself up or not wouldn't change the fact that he was gorgeous in whatever he wore, and he'd probably look good in any hairstyle he tried out. Shen Jiu had thought many things along those lines as he'd watched Liu Qingge get ready for the day. Sitting back to just watch as he didn't bother dressing himself in anything much considering he was staying at home.

"You'll be okay here?"

Honestly, Shen Jiu should've started counting by the third time Liu Qingge had asked him this. Perhaps by now, he wouldn't have enough fingers on his hands to count the amount of times Liu Qingge had sought reassurance. As if he was about to depart on a long journey and not just for a trip to a different part of the same exact mountain that Shen Jiu was on.

Despite the silliness of it all. Shen Jiu couldn't help but feel himself smiling. Getting to experience moments like this with Liu Qingge makes him unusually happy, it makes him feel thought about. Liu Qingge considered Shen Jiu's feelings in basically everything he did. From all Shen Jiu had recalled, nobody had considered him in such a way before.

With that in mind, Shen Jiu happily promised, "I'll be perfectly fine here."

"It won't be long until I'm back."

"Take as long as you need."

"Whatever you want for dinner tonight, I'll make it when I get back home."

This time Shen Jiu couldn't help but laugh, "Stop stalling and go already, you're probably making them wait on you as it is."

"As long as you're sure." Liu Qingge said, eyes fixed on Shen Jiu's face like he was looking for any hints of discomfort in his expression.

He brought a hand up to Shen Jiu's cheek. Still smiling, Shen Jiu couldn't help but turn his head into Liu Qingge's palm. Liu Qingge stroked across his skin gently for a moment, considering Shen Jiu. He really should be heading off though, he felt more reluctant than he'd ever felt parting from anything else. Even leaving his family home hadn't felt this monumental.

"Look after yourself." Was what Liu Qingge settled on, finally extracting his hand and turning to follow the other two outside.

Calling with a teasing lilt to his voice, Shen Jiu said, "Have fun!"

Standing in that doorway, Shen Jiu looked on until he couldn't see the three of them anymore. Their umbrellas had been brought with them but the sky hadn't darkened yet. The sun was shining, though it didn't heat the peak up all that much. The wind rushing through was chilly and Shen Jiu finally escaped it by closing the front door after himself.

A fire was burning inside that Liu Qingge had prepared before leaving. Congee was on the table, and Yang Yixuan was onto his second bowl of it. He'd come over, excited and bouncing around before he'd even had anything for breakfast. So, he'd ended up eating most of their breakfast for them when he'd come over. Pleased with himself, a calm settled over the space they shared.

Taking his own seat, Shen Jiu settled in. With all this time on his hands, he wasn't forced to rush through his mourning. Putting on hot water for himself and making his own tea. Letting it heat as he looked off into a far part of the house, unblinkingly as he fell into his own thoughts. Only brought out of his light daze by the sound of the water.

"It's odd."

Blinking a few times, Shen Jiu realized Yang Yixuan was talking to him and turned to face him, "What's odd?"

Removing the water from the heat. Shen Jiu continued to go about preparing his tea for himself. The steam coming off of the tea curled and swirled up into the air around him. Momentarily obscuring his view as he stared down at his cup. Wrapping both cold hands around it, Shen Jiu held the cup of tea close to his chest, hoping to leech the warmth from it.

"Usually, Shizun is more excited to meet with him when Shen-shishu visits. I've never seen him so hesitant before." Yang Yixuan wondered out loud, "Do you think somethings happened? Though my Shizun doesn't say it, and don't tell him I told you this, but I've always suspected that he had a crush on Shen-shishu. Most people whisper about it behind his back. I tell them off for it, but I can't help but agree."

"You think so?" Shen Jiu said just to say something.

Though he desperately didn't want Yang Yixuan to keep going, nothing stopped him from continuing, "Everything from the way his eyes would follow him to the way he would drop everything to lend him a hand. Seriously, it was like he was desperate to take in as much of him as he could every time they were around each other. You don't know cause you've never seen them together before, but it was serious."

"Mn."

Choosing to take a sip of tea instead of responding. Shen Jiu brought the cup down from his mouth, lips still wet by the tea and stared down into the murky liquid. As if he could drown himself in it to escape this conversation. Without adding anything to it, Shen Jiu had naïvely thought the topic would be dropped. How much could the boy possibly have to say about it.

"I think if I was in Shizun's shoes, I'd probably have a crush too." Nodding to himself like he'd said something profound, he spoke on, "There's just something that's unmatched about Shen-shishu. They've spent so many years together as well, how could something not blossoming between two men when they have that type or relationship and connection?"

Before he could think better of it, Shen Jiu opened his mouth to speak, "I-,"

Only to be swiftly cut off by Yang Yixuan, "Shizun probably got his heartbroken. Perhaps at first he'd hoped a man like Binghe wouldn't last long in the heart of the man he loved. They're still together though, reality had to hit eventually. You're probably good for him."

"How so?"

"You can distract him from his misery, give him something else to focus on. Maybe he isn't ready for love, and that's where you come in. What're the chances of you leaving him? Probably close to zero. If he has you here, the he'll always just have you there to fall back on. Isn't that neat?"

So young and inexperienced in many things. Yang Yixuan talked openly and without thought. Simply rambling about two of his favourite people and dragging Shen Jiu into it in the process. Shen Jiu knew better than to give any of those words any weight. Yang Yixuan wasn't thinking, not really. But there was truth to some of the things he was saying after all.

With how he'd overheard people talking about Liu Qingge with Shen Qingqiu. It was easy to determine that something might've been going on between them. Even in the way that Liu Qingge himself talked about Shen Qingqiu. There was such a softness to his voice when he spoke, a fondness as he recounted a memory or two. Only bringing him up to mention a relevant story to something they were doing.

But Shen Jiu also knew Liu Qingge was holding back quite a bit. Trying his upmost to not refer to Shen Qingqiu around him because he knew Shen Jiu wasn't fond of the comparison. How many years had they even spent together. It must've been a while, considering Liu Qingge was so quick to recognize him despite his young age. He was, appearance wise, much younger then Shen Qingqiu would have looked like for at least a decade.

And who was Shen Jiu in comparison to someone like that. Liu Qingge had overcome great obstacles with Shen Qingqiu at his side. They'd spent years speaking to each other and growing familiar. Learning each other's strengths and weaknesses. Exploring what made the other happy, understanding what made the other sad. Encouraging each other and growing up together.

Even in arguments and disagreements. Those are still experiences Shen Jiu hasn't had with Liu Qingge. Despite how long it's been since they first met, compared to even the youngest of juniors on Cang Qiong Mountain, they've all known Liu Qingge longer than himself. On top of that, Liu Qingge is so careful with him. Gentle and always so cautious of overstepping.

Having someone so thoughtful and caring means the world to Shen Jiu. How could he possibly complain about someone's kindness. But he's a terrible person, undeserving of it all. Because he does want to complain. He wants to be seen by Liu Qingge properly. Not as some baby bird that you have to coddle and treat like glass about to shatter and break apart at the slightest misstep.

Shen Jiu wants to cry with him, feel anger with him. Laugh with him and spend the rest of his days with him. But Yang Yixuan is right, he's basically a glorified decoration in the house. Something that's been planted there for Liu Qingge to come home to. What Liu Qingge feels for him wouldn't be the type of love he so freely gave to Shen Qingqiu.

Completely lost in his own misery. Thoughts, logical and otherwise swirling around and making him dizzy. Nausea rising the longer he forced himself to endure those thoughts, worrying himself sick. He didn't hear Yang Yixuan call his name the first two times, only noticing the boy was speaking to him by the third. Looking up to see Yang Yixuan staring.

"Sorry, I got distracted, what's wrong?"

"Are you feeling okay?" Yang Yixuan looked concerned for a moment before returning to what he was originally calling him for, "Oh, but someone was knocking at the door just a moment ago. Are we expecting anyone over?"

"The door?" Shen Jiu mindlessly echoed, looking over just in time for someone to knock again.

Each knock sounded a little uncertain. Shen Jiu could recognize individual identifiers pretty well; an instinct honed throughout his childhood. The different ways people would walk and step, how it sounded when different people knocked. Recognizing the tone of people's voices, understanding what their body language was conveying to him. So, he knew pretty quickly that he didn't recognize this person.

Standing from his seat and dusting off his clothes out of habit. Shen Jiu took careful, measured steps towards the front door and opened it. The person behind the door didn't feel threatening. So, Shen Jiu didn't hesitate to finally open the door up. Standing on the other side was a lovely woman. Her robes of yellow and orange were brushed through with wind, setting them fluttering.

Wind was blowing her hair into her face, but she used her fingers to tuck a little behind her ear. Her gaze was down and one of her fists was still raised, like she was set to knock another few times. With the door suddenly opened, her eyes widened and she took a step back. Her head slowly raised so that she was no longer left staring at the floor.

Although time had clearly affected her. Aging her up in a way that Shen Jiu never got to experience seeing. Everything else about her was as familiar as if he'd just seen her. The shade of her hair and the colour of her eyes. The bangles jingling at her wrists, gold and inlaid with jewels. Her make up made her features stand out even more, pretty as a picture straight from Shen Jiu's memories.

"Oh."

It was as if the air had been knocked out of her lungs. Qiu Haitang had seen visions of Shen Qingqiu around this age only recently. But actually, seeing him like this in person, she couldn't find the words to describe how she felt. Some sort of agony ripped her apart. There was an instant fury that burned up in her chest before it was tempered by sorrow and a new understanding.

Frustration at her own helplessness. Confusion and insecurity about what she'd experienced, and what had been hidden from her. All the years she'd let her feelings fester and turn her warped and horrid. How her kind, gentleness had left when her one-track mind had focused solely on persecuting the boy in front of her. Well, the aged version of the boy in front of her.

Currently, the boy in front of her was the same boy she'd lived with. Had spoken to and taught new, complex words to. She'd been entertained by his lacking vocabulary because everyone else at the manor had been leagues above her education wise, except for her older brother. Though, he felt it below him to learn anything from her, so he didn't listen.

This was the first person she could teach things to. While her brother doted on her, she was still a woman of the house. More than anything else, he was focused on preparing her for marriage and other life experiences. Whereas Shen Jiu quietly sat, knees to his chest and listened as she read from a book. He learnt to recognize words from sound, although he never quite got the grasp on reading.

She's understood at the time, that her brother was teaching Shen Jiu how to read. Though, she'd come to find out, that that's not what they spent their time doing. Shen Jiu didn't occupy a space in his personal quarters so that Shen Jiu would be moulded into the perfect husband for her. It had been hard to stomach, and she'd been sent into a frenzied madness for a long time.

Her world completely turned upside down. Especially with nobody left to lean on, she'd had to push through it herself. Calming herself and piecing through what she thought were lies and fabrications at first. Eventually, she'd had to face the facts. Acknowledge the reality of which she'd been shielded from, for most of her young life and she'd only know discovered the truth or had it thrust upon her, more accurately.

At first, she thought she'd be ready for this interaction. Preparing herself mentally and psyching herself up for this fated interaction. They'd finally meet each other face to face for the first time since she'd had those memories and thoughts planted in her mind. But standing across from him, a simple doorway separating the two of them, she realized she wasn't prepared at all.

Why was it that he looked so young, she doesn't remember him looking anything like this the last time they interacted. She might've not had the stomach for it, if he'd looked this small and youthful. Qiu Haitang didn't know what to say. All her practised words left her. Similarly, Shen Jiu had been completely struck dumb. A ringing noise filling his ears.

He couldn't even force out a noise like 'oh' like Qiu Haitang had. His mouth snapped shut and stayed closed. An uncomfortable sensation crawling underneath his skin, leaving him itchy and oddly warm. Shen Jiu thought he might be sick. In that moment, all he wanted to do was flee. This wasn't what he wanted to experience. Facing his past in his dreams was hard enough.

When it's in his own head, it's one thing. But he can't have evidence of it, existing before him like this. What was Liu Qingge going to think, if he saw the sister of his former slave owner standing at his front door. His fiancé, the person he'd been instructed to marry. How pathetic must this scene be, for anyone to lay eyes on. He could hear Yang Yixuan saying something behind him but couldn't make it out.

For how cold it was, everything was suddenly too warm. Dizzy with blurred vision, Shen Jiu felt like he'd just been thrown into a hot spring. Suffocating on the steam rising up around him. Shen Jiu didn't think he could breathe like this. It was stuck in his chest, choking him. Agonizingly painful. Everything felt like it was stuck in his chest, heart beating too hard behind his ribs.

He didn't want to hear her say it, but she still asked, "Shen Qingqiu?"

Chapter Text

How could Ning Yingying put it into words. Liu Qingge wasn't her Shizun so she didn't like to have to many thoughts about him. Though she'd grown up with him in pretty close proximity, their interactions were lacking overall. More often than not, she'd had to go up against him in order to defend her Shizun or Binghe. It surprisingly hadn't left them all that awkward, just slightly unacquainted.

Over the years, with her Shizun off travelling, she saw Liu Qingge more than her own Shizun. Usually though, her most substantial interactions with him came around at roughly the same intervals every few months. When Shen Qingqiu returned from his travels to drop by Cang Qiong Peak, Liu Qingge could be found. He was a punctual sort of man, very proper even on his worst days.

Yet, he was still earlier than even the earliest disciple could hope to be. Always present when Shen Qingqiu arrived up the mountain. Despite his feelings, he'd always put on a show about only being mildly pleased. Careful in the way he held himself around Shen Qingqiu, especially with Binghe being ever-present at his side. The sight always made her stomach turn.

It was obvious to most people, just how Liu Qingge felt. An empathetic sort of despair would well up in Ning Yingying whenever she thought about it. How could anyone blame Shen Qingqiu or Lou Binghe for finding love in one another. But aside from that, how could anyone blame Liu Qingge for loving Shen Qingqiu and holding all those feelings close to his chest.

Liu Qingge matured and developed as a person. His heart-aching loving simmered down, and a softer longing lingered in him. Seeing Liu Qingge in those meetings still caused a heavy feeling to rest on her chest, but she understood that Liu Qingge himself also understood, that this is how it would be. Holding on too tightly would only heart himself, even if he couldn't completely discard those feelings.

But she watched as this man lingered at his place for so long that they were noticeably late. Running behind on their rough estimate of a schedule, she wouldn't be at all surprised if their two visitors had already made their way up by now. She kept her thoughts to herself until the house they'd just left was further away. The wind began to pick up as they walked.

Measured steps, not quite slow but not as desperate as one might suspect. They made their way towards the stairs leading up and down the mountain. The usual entrance for anyone wishing to depart from or come up to visit the peaks on the mountain. Leaves rustled on their branches as the chill wind built up around them, swirling in fiercer and fiercer gales.

"He seems settled in." Ning Yingying said evenly, a simple observation.

"It took a little to get Shen Jiu adjusted at first, but he's been strong enough to put up with me and get better."

An almost wistful look fell upon Liu Qingge's features. His steps weren't loud as he walked, grass shifting underfoot as they travelled a fair distance while talking. Ning Yingying didn't poke and prod at the topic too much. Curiosity slipping into her words as she asked about this and that. Surface level questions, things that are easy to answer without questioning if you'd shared too much.

Her earlier embarrassment had faded to the back of her mind. She'd intended to come around but she'd overthought it. Shen Jiu wasn't her Shizun, and the relationship that had naturally developed between herself and Shen Qingqiu didn't exist between herself and Shen Jiu. Though she'd heard from Liu Mingyan herself about how Shen Jiu seemed to be getting along, she worried herself sick until she just couldn't face him.

"Everyone's been curious about him." Ever the gossiper, Ming Fan joined the conversation with a light tone to his voice, unworried as he spoke, "Some people don't even draw a line between him and our Shizun, they think they're basically one in the same. Most of the gossip has progressed far enough that some people aren't even certain that they are two separate people."

Though Ming Fan typically could get in Liu Qingge's good side back in the day, he watched as the man frowned, "Shen Jiu is his own man. Please never let him hear you refer to him by such a name, that belongs to your Shizun and nobody else. It would upset him greatly."

Easing the tension that rose in the air. Ning Yingying started speaking about something entirely different, moving them along to speak about inconsequential things. Ming Fan sent her a grateful look, appearing appropriately reproached. Like he would back when he was much younger than he was now, Ming Fan went into a whole tirade about one thing or another, talking Liu Qingge's ear off.

Voice almost hoarse from talking so much. They approached the top of the stairs as the winds changed and their umbrellas shot up without another thought. By the time they were taking their first few steps down those stairs, the rain had begun to fall. Gentle, light enough that the raindrops each bounced off the material of their umbrellas. Calming as they brushed down leaves and slide across the ground to collect in small puddles.

Around them, the air was chilled and the umbrellas they held over them did their best to protect them from most of it. Ming Fan was holding an umbrella over himself and Ning Yingying, taking measured steps at a speed that matched Ning Yingying's so she wouldn't be caught out in the rain. Liu Qingge protected himself, his hand holding onto the handle of the umbrella.

With how wet the weather was, it clung to the nature around them. It was a soothing smell, and the sounds of light rain were almost calming. Carefully, they made their way down the stairs. Cautious as they kept themselves from slipping. Though their cultivation is high, overestimating themselves and letting the chance to slip up over something so silly would be a hard tale to overcome.

Holding her coat over her shoulders closed, Ning Yingying spoke evenly as they descended the steps, "We haven't passed a single stair sweeper on our way down. Have they gotten so lax as to laze about and not do their job, especially on a day we're expecting guests?"

"Don't give them too much grief." Ming Fan said, holding the umbrella above them a little higher.

"You're just saying that because you're friendly with them. A bunch of slackers the lot of you are, Shizun wouldn't be pleased at all."

"I haven't even done anything wrong!" Though he tried to reason with her, Ming Fan sped up to follow her steps as she moved further down the stairs.

By the time they were reaching the bottom, the wind seemed to howl around them. Pushing through the trees planted at the off to the side of the final steps, lining the paths leading away from the bottom of the mountain. They had only taken a few steps before the rain began to fall heavily from the sky. Although it had been raining up until now, the sky had been a clear crystal blue, dotted only by a few vagrant clouds.

Now the sky was darker and the sky was hidden behind clouds that appeared more grey than white. Heavier now, the raindrops fell and created an atmosphere that was a whole lot less calming and welcoming. As they looked around, they spotted a small overhanging of protections off to the side of the stairs. At the bottom of the Cang Qiong Mountain stairs, the stair sweepers were taking refuge.

It was likely they'd been messing around by the bottom of the stairs. Wandering around aimlessly, kicking rocks about and wasting their time. While the trio were descending the stairs and were met with heavy rain, those two stair sweepers had been shocked as the rain fell and fled for cover. Hidden away under the small awning of protection, they shivered and held themselves.

Now that they were officially on the flat ground at the bottom of the stairs, they stood on nothing but mud. Soil and dirt a mess under their shoes, wet from the rain and soaking into the soles of their shoes. Careful not to flick it up at anyone else, Ming Fan went over to go speak with the two young cultivators. A little younger than himself.

He'd taken his umbrella with him, leaving Ning Yingying to seek refuge under Liu Qingge's own umbrella. It was big enough to keep the two of them under without getting much rain on either of them. Though the fierce wind persisted a whole longer, blowing their clothes about. The sun was out but the sunlight offered overhead wasn't much to rely on, the day appeared dreadful.

Though they approached, neither Liu Qingge or Ning Yingying went to stand by the small group of boys. Leaving them to their discussions as they waited close by. In a few short minutes, Ming Fan had returned to their side. Seemingly, he'd gotten a little distracted from his earlier intentions but had gotten back on track. He shared that no men had appeared yet.

"Do you think the rain will keep up the entire time we wait?"

Shaking his head, Liu Qingge answered, "It'll let up soon. This isn't the season for long storms, it'll rain heaviest right before it stops and disappears for the day. We shouldn't have to wait in it much longer."

After a moment of silence fell over them after that, Ming Fan confidently said, "But I'm still surprised we managed to still beat them with how long we took to head out. I thought we'd never make it."

Though Ning Yingying had thought similarly, she hadn't said any of those thoughts out loud. With a quick look at Liu Qingge, she could see his expression change a little but he didn't say anything. Didn't even get angry at Ming Fan, given he was all but blaming Liu Qingge for almost missing their Shizun's arrival. More than anything, he looked almost thoughtful as he considered those words.

Opening his mouth to say something else, Ming Fan choked off his own sentence with a cough before closing his mouth. Having turned his head, his eyes finally caught sight of an approaching figure. All his other thoughts were shoved out of his head as unimportant, instead of locked in to the sight that remained hazy before his unfocused eyes. The world around them was dim with rain.

No thunder boomed overhead and no lightning rained down, lighting the sky. So, they were forced to squint through the rain and watch as someone approached them from afar. At this distance, it was hard to make anything out, especially in these conditions. Though, something became abundantly clear as they seconds ticked by. This person as approaching them quickly.

Moving at a speed faster than the average human's walk. They were outpacing the second figure they managed to catch sight of but not by much. The two of them were gaining on them, crossing distances in the blink of an eye. Fast and hurried in their movements. It was obvious that it would be Shen Qingqiu and Binghe approaching, but why were they advancing with such desperate speed.

Although Shen Qingqiu was always delighted to spend time in Cang Qiong Mountain. Being able to see his disciples and the other Peak lords who he didn't often get to see. Despite his excitement in those moments being palpable and obvious, expressed with earnestness. He'd never rushed himself through it, taking his time to ascend to the peaks of the mountain.

Greeting them when he'd finally made it to the top. It was a rare occasion to have them waiting at the bottom of the mountain for them. Perhaps that had affected Shen Qingqiu's mood on approach, maybe he sensed that he'd been missed. It had been some number of months since they last saw him, probably about half a year if not more by now, so his disciples especially were eager to see him again.

"You're-," Liu Qingge had begun to speak when the pair were only a few metres out, close enough to be within earshot even with the rain thundering around them.

Uncaring as mud splashed up and stained the bottom of his robes, feet slick with it as he'd pushed himself to move without taking a moment to consider the state of himself. Shen Qingqiu had suddenly appeared in front of them. It's when they finally noticed that he was completely devoid of an umbrella and the rain had come down on him hard, soaking him to the bone.

It felt like he should be freezing cold by now. Shivering and holding himself, saying some off handed comment and whining about how dreadful the weather was. Making himself into a pitiful state to receive everyone's mercy and pity. What was more questionable, was that even if by some chance they hadn't predicted the weather, they doubted Binghe wouldn't have something prepared for his Shizun.

The fact that he'd let Shen Qingqiu race ahead in this weather was strange. As he trailed behind at an even pace, walking fast to just keep up enough with his Shizun without overtaking him and moving too far ahead. Binghe loomed behind his Shizun when he came to a stop. Only his body heat, as it was leached off of him by his Shizun unthinkingly, created any warmth in Shen Qingqiu.

Having come to a stop and interrupted his Shidi with a look, Shen Qingqiu spoke it quick words, "Before anyone speaks, I need you all to listen to me. Tell me, did anyone receive the messenger butterflies I sent ahead? They were my last two remaining butterflies, when I come by each time it's to stock up on my spiritual tools, I didn't have any more left. I could only send two out, did anyone receive them?"

Not only was he looking at Liu Qingge when he asked this, but he also looked over towards the boys standing out of the rain. Protecting themselves in their little makeshift shelter. Shivering in the cold. The rain wasn't loud enough to drown out his voice completely. Everyone heard what he said, but everyone was about as confused as each other.

"Messenger butterfly?" Liu Qingge questioned out loud, making Shen Qingqiu's heart drop.

Turning to the boys, he said, "I sent one to the stair sweeping staff who'd be on today. Did you receive it?"

"Oh." Momentarily stunned, one of them seemed to open their mouth and close it before stuttering out, "S-Sorry, I swapped places with one of my brothers to take this shift because he felt sick. He told me that he'd received a message and that I was to be mindful of receiving a female visitor. Don't worry, I made sure to check her token and check to make sure she came in properly."

The boy at his side stared on with curiosity. He'd heard from the disciple next to him that they would have a female civilian arriving. Though there wasn't much else said, they'd been courteous when she arrived and directed her where to go. He'd even stayed behind to mindlessly sweep at the bottom of the stairs to wait for his friends return, after he'd gone up and directed her where to go before rushing back down the stairs.

Gritting his teeth, Shen Qingqiu asked, "Where did you tell her to go?"

"She said she was meant to meet with Shen Qingqiu, I'd heard that he'd been spending time in Bai Zhan Peak lately and my friend here pointed her the way at the top of the stairs."

Rumours spread round, just like Ming Fan had relayed earlier. Some talked about this man staying at Bai Zhan Peak with familiarity while some only spoke of hearing from someone else. Not everyone was completely familiar with Shen Qingqiu, and rumours usually took on a mind of their own. For these two boys, they'd hadn't known much better between then to do what they did.

Liu Qingge had out effort into explaining to those who spent time around Shen Jiu, as to how to refer to him. That list was quite small though, and although they went down the mountain from time to time, they rarely directly interacted with any disciples. Not often in his own sect and least of all in others, especially given Liu Qingge knew different paths to take to avoid people as much as possible.

"Shit." Shen Qingqiu muttered under his breath, inaudible with all the rain falling around him but those standing by caught sight of the flickers changing his expression, "I can't believe this."

His anger wasn't directed towards the stair sweepers. They were such minor characters in this whole ordeal, yelling at them would be like yelling at the tree next to them for not blocking the path and keeping her down here. With a frustrated huff, Shen Qingqiu shoved down all his anger and concern. Turning his head just enough to catch Binghe's eye, Shen Qingqiu finally pushed his wet hair back off his forehead.

Face clear for them to see as he spoke, "We don't have the time to stand around and chat. I'm sorry for rushing up on you like this, but we need to go and we need to go now. If we don't hurry, something bad could happen to Shen Jiu."

"Shen Jiu?"

Parroting the name as if on instinct. Liu Qingge was made instantly alert. Eyes widening and rounding with alarm, staring ahead at the man across from him and the complicated expression on his face. This wasn't something Shen Qingqiu would joke about. Their easily relationship wasn't like that, and he explicitly trusted Shen Qingqiu with his life, this was too sensitive of a topic to make a fool of Liu Qingge with.

Without another word. All five of them sped off towards the stairs. The stair sweepers left in a confused daze, still hiding beneath their small allowance of protection from the wind and the rain. Thankfully, much like Liu Qingge had predicted, the heavy rains let up. They still maintained careful steps even as they made their ways up the stairs far faster than the speed they'd descended with.

Trees quietened down as the breeze around them slowed. It didn't come to a stop though, and as they raced up the mountain it whipped around them. Harsh on their face and causing their eyes to sting, but none of them minded it. All signs of cold, chilled weather evaporated and a sweat built up on each of them. An anxious warmth all but burned away under their skin.

Heart beating fast, Liu Qingge asked, "Who was that female visitor? Why did she come to see you?"

"Like I said earlier, when I come back to see everyone it's timed just close enough for me to come back and restock my things. I send so many messenger butterflies keeping everyone updated that I return with enough regularity to set up meetings in advance. Anyway, do you recall the trial I was put on that landed me in the cage of the water prison?"

"I- Oh, back then?"

"Qiu Haitang met face to face with me with accusations. Though she believed her understanding of that history to be true, she'd been misguided. Things happened that nobody else was informed about, but at the end of it, it seemed that she'd been made to realize the truth that had been hidden from her. It had driven her near-mad, and it had taken her a long time to come to terms with."

"Pathetic." Binghe mumbled to himself, his distaste for her clear in his tone.

Looking at him briefly before continuing, Shen Qingqiu spoke as they neared the top of the stairs, "I received a message from her some months ago, asking if she could meet with me. Not only myself, but she wished to stand before the other Peak Lords and recover some of her dignity. Finally, she's come to terms and begun to accept and understand what she knows. She wished to clear things up and free herself of any lingering guilt, I agreed to it."

"So, you told her to come back at the same time that you'd be returning?"

"Exactly," Shen Qingqiu nearly flew over the top of the stairs and was on flat and even ground once again, "Except I'd more or less forgotten about it. It was so long ago now, and we've been busy with a number of things. As we were set to come back, I'd remembered what I'd put in place, and I worried about how it might all play out with the current circumstances of Cang Qiong Mountain."

At the bottom of the stairs, they'd ditched their umbrellas. Not wanting to worry themselves with putting them up and trying to race ahead with them dragging them back. A light patter of rain had settled on them all, but nobody seemed to mind. As they rushed across the grass, Shen Qingqiu dutifully end Ning Yingying and Ming Fan away. Mostly with good intentions, but also to part ways with them, they were sent to inform the other Peak Lords.

Separated now, Liu Qingge spoke his mind, "Qiu Haitang. I'd forgotten her name, I hadn't paid her much mind back then, not having believed a word she said against you."

There was a pink flush against Liu Qingge's cheeks as he recalled. Liu Qingge had been so honour bound to Shen Qingqiu at that point. After overcoming his own set of misconceptions against him, he'd detested anyone who questioned Shen Qingqiu or his morality. Still to this day, he'd do anything to defend this man by his side, but perhaps with a clearer head.

"Her name." Liu Qingge mumbled, "I should've put it together earlier. No wonder Shen Jiu hates even just the sound of that name."

"I'm not surprised. He has every right to feel that way. Although I don't know how similar his past is with the memories I have, if they're anything alike, then it's imperative that we keep the two of them apart."

Seemingly ashamed, there was an almost despairing note to Liu Qingge's voice, "Should've seen you're messenger butterfly sooner. This is my fault more than anyone's."

"Don't punish yourself over this. When I remembered that I'd set up to meet her, we'd tried to hurry back. Sending you a message in advance, telling you to keep Shen Jiu wherever you'd hidden him away, just to be safe. But we got caught up on the road. As much as I tried to get us through it quickly, you know how things can be in those villages. I shouldn't have let it get to the point where I had no butterflies left to send, It's my fault alone."

Shaking his head, Liu Qingge said, "He's my responsibility, I should've been more diligent."

Not saying anything, Shen Qingqiu simply spared a glance out of the corner of his eye to catch sight of his Shidi. They'd been side by side for many years, enduring many battles and hardships. Having overcome no shortage of tribulations, Shen Qingqiu adored this Shidi of his dearly. But a part of him had known where Liu Qingge's feelings for him lay.

Unable to reciprocate them appropriately, he'd mostly tried to avoid them. It was shameful of him, as the older of the two, he should've done something more for him instead of leaving him to sort through them alone. Especially with what he knew of his Shidi and his Shidi's grasp of his own emotions. Looking at him now though, he couldn't help but feel himself smiling.

He'd grown up in the years since everything had more or less settled. But this was the first he was seeing of him, where he had a glow about him. A lightness in his step even as he was filled with dread and anxiety. Before, Liu Qingge's eyes would be on him more often than not. However, now he was focused ahead of himself. His single-minded focus on someone else entirely.

Despite their terrible situation, he felt his chest loosen just enough to say, "You'll be who he needs right now, no matter what we walk into. Feel as many emotions as you want right now, wallow in your own self-pity if you must. But finish it up before we get there because when we get to him, I'll need you to think of nothing but him, okay? He needs you."

Emphasizing these words seemed to make them sink into Liu Qingge as if they were hit down with a hammer. Cementing themselves within Liu Qingge. He couldn't utter a word of disagreement, his face looked worse for wear for a moment before he seemed to settle something within himself. As they neared his house, he'd come to terms with something and straightened out.

Though they didn't come to a complete stop, they slowed their pace once they'd come close to a few metres out from the house. It was clear that they'd been beaten, gazing at the form of a woman standing just outside the doorway. Her back was straight, and her hair was being blown about by the wind. With her body positioned as it was, her face was only fleetingly familiar to Liu Qingge.

It was hardly something he wished to linger on. Especially considering his gaze quickly flickered to the figure who'd, by all appearances, thrown himself down onto his knees into the mud by the front door. One hand was holding himself up, mud caked his knees and squelched below that pale hand. While the other was clutching at his chest, curled in the material.

Even from this distance it was clear that the boy was breathing in and out too quickly. Vomit was visible on the ground in front of him. In that state, after hearing those words come from Qiu Haitang's mouth, he hadn't been able to bear it. Stumbling forward and pushing past her, he'd fallen to his knees and thrown up. Unable to keep it down, throat aching with it.

Qiu Haitang looked utterly shocked. Hand almost reaching towards him, perhaps considering offering her help. Mostly though, she looked at a complete loss of what to do. This isn't how she'd expected this to go, it had completely blindsided her. Of course, she'd considered it might not go well. Forgiveness isn't something she'd expected, but she hadn't expected to drive Shen Qingqiu to this state.

Her worries kept her on edge. In this position and upon sensing other people approaching, she shifted her gaze and looked up at the three men. Close enough now that there was only a short distance separating them. Her eyes widened with shock, her tongue useless in her mouth. Unable to form words, it was like she could only babble nonsensically to herself.

Recovering from her shock and madness. This turn of events almost threw her back into that state, only she'd only managed to claw herself out with after enduring it for so long. Lou Binghe and Liu Qingge weren't unexpected, they could often be found lingering around Shen Qingqiu as far as she knew. But the man in the middle, he looked every inch the Shen Qingqiu she'd opposed.

Unlike the younger version whose vision was dark. Almost curling in on himself on the ground. This was the man she'd expected, but she couldn't deny that the boy by her feet was Shen Qingqiu as well. The version of him that had come before Cang Qiong Mountain, the one who'd spent time with her back in her youth. She didn't know what to say, a terrible energy crackled to life among them all.

Yang Yixuan had stumbled up from his chair and come crashing into the doorframe. Having been calling for Shen Jiu, at the sight of him stumbling forward and then the proceeding sounds of retching. He'd sat there in a daze before getting himself together. Liu Qingge too, finally reacted, coming to his knees by Shen Jiu on the ground without a care to the state of either of them.

Clouds had separated overhead and the rain had almost completely let up. Raindrops clung to Liu Qingge's lashes, almost appearing like tears as he whipped Shen Jiu's face clean. Careful of the mess as he tried to catch his eye, trying to offer words of reassurance all while checking in on Shen Jiu. Hovering his fingers by his vitals to check out how his body is faring.

A monumental shock like this would do damage to anyone. Let alone someone who'd been fragile and precariously piecing himself back together, enduring harsh memories in his dreams that pieced together his past. Now his past was right in front of him, tangible and not something he could be awoken from. Liu Qingge's hand felt warm and familiar on his shoulder, like the night's Liu Qingge would try to dispel the dreams by shaking him awake.

Voice cracking and with Liu Qingge's fingers at his neck, Shen Jiu leaned into him and offered up his vulnerability as he quietly said, "It hurts."

Chapter Text

It was like the shock of everything had momentarily blinded Shen Jiu. Unable to see clearly in front of him, he had to trust Liu Qingge's presence. The familiar feel of Liu Qingge's fingers, checking at his vitals. Voice softer then Shen Jiu had ever heard it. There as barely any space between the two of them, Liu Qingge crowding into his space as if he could hide him away from everything.

Things were being said off to the side. But Shen Jiu couldn't hear any of it. Liu Qingge was using the sleeve of his robe to wipe across his mouth, trying to clean him up as gently as possible. Not minding he mess; Liu Qingge dropped his sleeve and used his thumb to swipe away Shen Jiu's tears. He hadn't even realized that tears were falling, cold tracks running down his cheeks.

His skin felt flushed and overly warm in this state. His hands were clinging to Liu Qingge. Holding on as tight as possible, like he was afraid Liu Qingge would slip away between his fingers. That this reality he'd found himself in, was all one cruel joke. Any second now, his sight would clear and he'd realize he'd never left the horrors he'd grown up in.

Perhaps this entire time he'd just been scaping from his situation. To Shen Jiu, nothing sounded more horrifying then allowing this warmth to slip away from him. So, with a fierceness he barely displayed, he held onto Liu Qingge tight enough that his fingers were straining with it. He refused to let himself wake up from a happiness like this, it would break him more than anything else he'd ever experienced.

"It hurts." Shen Jiu said again, voice rough and words broken by a harsh cough.

Liu Qingge wrapped his arms round Shen Jiu and pulled him close. Shen Jiu was curled up against his chest. It was an odd thing, tears were falling from his lashes but it was like he wasn't even crying. He was laying against Liu Qingge's chest almost motionless. His chest wasn't heaving with sobs, and he wasn't choking back despair, a line of tears just kept falling from his eyes.

As if in utter disbelief. Like he couldn't properly react to the situation, almost entirely in a daze. If he considered it too hard, he might find himself breaking down completely. It's as if his brain turned off just enough to protect himself. Shen Jiu couldn't think coherently. Left in that state, head against Liu Qingge's chest as he told Liu Qingge that it hurt.

Overheard and out of eyeshot from Shen Jiu. Qiu Haitang was in a daze, she had Shen Qingqiu in her ear saying something, but she could barely hear him. Eyes wide with shock, she finally looked away from the huddled figure on the floor by her feet and over at the man who'd appeared next to her. She'd just overcome great mental stress and incredible strain.

Yet she felt seconds away from slipping into that state again. How could she piece together what's happening around her, nobody had prepared her for this. She'd had plans to do the right thing, approached the situation with caution and care. Had reached out to Shen Qingqiu, wanting to make amends and address things. Time had past but she hadn't wanted to run away from this.

But when she appeared, everything had gone so wrong too quickly to process. Everything was too loud, and too many people were trying to talk. Shen Qingqiu was speaking to her; Liu Qingge was speaking to the one on the ground. Yang Yixuan and Binghe were both trying to say something. All their voices were mixing together. She couldn't clear her head at all.

"What's going on?"

Despite being the one who showed up. Intent on coming to Cang Qiong Peak to do what she felt was right. It was as if she'd been thrown into a situation, she hadn't spent months preparing for. Qiu Haitang felt as unsteady and lost as she had in the Holy Mausoleum. She'd fled from that situation, but she wouldn't do that this time. Finding her voice, she hadn't held herself back from asking.

Clearly realizing she hadn't heard a single thing he'd said, Shen Qingqiu tried again, "It's complicated. To summarise, he's a version of myself from around the time he lived in Qiu Manor. I assume our histories and pasts are similar enough that your arrival triggered him. He's been recovering his memories while resting here on Bai Zhan Peak. He doesn't remember everything but I'm sure he remembered enough."

His words had a pointed meaning at the end. It wasn't something Qiu Haitang missed; she understood his meaning. Whatever he remembered, if he remembered his time in Qiu Manor at all, it was probably enough to make him sick at the sight of her. Whether his story was different, if she'd done something directly to him or not. It didn't matter; she represented his greatest trauma.

Appearing in front of him, unannounced as she had. He'd had no time to mentally or physically prepare himself for that sort of shock. Believing he was free from it all, it'd been too much to bear. Heaven's only mercy on him was that Liu Qingge had showed up quickly. Had Shen Jiu been left to his own devices, things probably wouldn't be as they were now.

Shen Jiu was being held with upmost care. Liu Qingge had one arm wrapped around him, keeping Shen Jiu pressed against his chest. Knees dirty in the soil by Shen Jiu, the rainfall from earlier had made everything slick and wet. But he hadn't minded it, had fallen down to Shen Jiu's side without another thought. His other hand was cradling he back of Shen Jiu's head.

Clouds rolled overhead, casting shadows on the ground. Thankfully, the rain continued to stay away. Leaves blew in the wind and the tree branches swayed with it. An uncomfortable mood had settled over them all. Binghe had managed to get Yang Yixuan back inside the house and away from it all. Partially for his own sake, he's still so young and inexperienced.

As well as for Shen Jiu's own sake. This was a traumatizing experience, and he probably didn't want too many people present to witness it. He was still mumbling those words over and over again at uneven intervals against Liu Qingge's chest. His heart was beating so fast in his own chest, but everything else around him felt like it'd slowed down and almost come to a stop entirely.

Feeling more capable in forming words, Qiu Haitang spoke at length, "He's like you from the past? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to show up and for this to happen. I didn't realize something like this could happen, when I saw him at the door, I thought something was off. But I just couldn't have predicted that I'd see you- I mean, that I would see him again, like this."

"Why are you apologizing, silly girl? You couldn't have known."

Shen Qingqiu's voice held no touch of anger or resentment. For all Qiu Jianluo had done, Qiu Haitang had truly been kept in the dark through it all. In the beginning, it was her kindness that had given Shen Jiu any amount of comfort. Although it couldn't last, especially not measured up against the abuse he suffered at the hands of her elder brother.

But she'd never aimed to hurt him. She'd been young, like he'd been. Even younger than Shen Jiu himself, and she'd been promised a future husband. The pressure had been on her to get married, and for the first time a suitor presented before her hadn't made her feel disgusting or uncomfortable. Shen Jiu had been taken off the street, he was defensive and a little blunt at times.

It didn't impact the amount of patience he showed her. Nor did it stop him from listening to her as she spoke, something most men wouldn't bother themselves with. It wasn't often they spent time together, and she could offer him so little on her own. Perhaps what they had hadn't been love, they hadn't been in the right situation for that to blossom between them.

They'd had something though, and she'd never been able to forget that. Which is why it'd hurt her so much when she'd believed he'd just, turned on their good will. A wolf in sheep's clothing, waiting for her to soften and her brother to lower his guard. She'd always wondered why the women were left alive. But she hadn't considered anything with any real depth before, she'd been hurt and she'd been scared.

Back then, she'd been without family and without protection. Her family home was burnt down, and she didn't have her older brother by her side anymore. The fiancé she thought she'd spent the rest of her life with had destroyed everything good and warm in her life. Leaving her cold and broken in the aftermath of it all. It took her so many years to learn the truth.

Seeing the version of him that remains so close to the one in her memories. She couldn't help as the tears began to well up in her eyes, face flushed, and an expression of absolute misery come across her features. Her heart ached but she didn't know what to do. Her presence alone hurt Shen Jiu in the way her memory of him had always hurt her, it was a reminder of what had happened back then.

Looking over at the two left to hold each other. Shen Qingqiu couldn't stop a frown from forming on his face. No matter how he spoke to Qiu Haitang, it made his stomach turn. He didn't feel that it was appropriate it all to comfort or reassure her. Whether or not he thought it was correct, it hadn't been him who'd experienced all those things back then.

The Shen Jiu who'd existed before him in this body was gone. Shen Yuan hadn't experienced any of those horrors firsthand, had only remembered them when the fragmented dreams had been pieced together. Brought to life before his very own eyes. Living through the past that Shen Jiu had been forced to overcome. The only one now who had any right to dictate how things would develop, would be Shen Jiu.

Having accepted her proposal to come to Cang Qiong Peak. Shen Qingqiu had been doing it for the sake of the long since passed Shen Jiu. Though no longer alive, he had been fighting to clear his name in every way he could. Although he'd gotten people on his side over the years, he didn't want them to have unwavering trust in him just because they liked his current personality.

No, Shen Yuan wanted them to believe these things because it's the truth. Things Shen Jiu had never been able to clear up or explain for himself. In his steed, Shen Yuan had tried to do everything he could. It wasn't exactly an opportunity to accept an apology, to watch Qiu Haitang prostrate herself and beg for forgiveness. He just wanted everyone to understand, for everyone to see the truth.

"My disciples have already been sent ahead to inform the Peak Lords." Shen Qingqiu stood tall as he spoke, not letting a single one of his straying thoughts show on his face. "Binghe, let Yang-er bring our guest over. Please explain to them everything you know, clear things up for the rest of them. When I'm done here, I'll come over and clear the situation up further."

"Shen-shishu." Yang Yixuan mumbled the name, he looked younger than ever as he stood dwarfed by Binghe's much larger size.

"Don't worry about anything." He poked his finger against Yang Yixuan's forehead and cracked what he hoped was a reassuring smile, "Your Jiu-ge will be safe with me. I
need you to do this for me, and I know I can trust you with this. I still have a few things to do here before I can follow. You'll be a good boy for me, right?"

Always eager to please especially when it came to Shen Qingqiu. Yang Yixuan's usual energetic reaction was severely muted. Slowly, he nodded his head in understanding and showed he was willing to do what was asked of him. As he led Qiu Haitang away by the hand, he kept looking back over his shoulder at them. Shen Qingqiu tried to appear as calm and collected as possible until he was well out of sight.

During Shen Qingqiu's handling of the situation. At some point, Shen Jiu's head had popped up just enough that he could see passed Liu Qingge's shoulder. Liu Qingge was still holding on so tight, it felt like it'd be impossible to squirm out of his grip. So, he stayed still and tried to slow the rate of his heart. Feeling it pulse away in his chest.

Things were quieter now. The wind picked up for a second and the chill spread through all of them, before it moved on and through the nearby trees again. Seeing the weather threatening to get worse again, Shen Qingqiu thought to encourage the lot of them to head on inside. The best place to talk would be hidden away from the elements in the safety of Liu Qingge's house.

When he looked down and met Shen Jiu's shockingly green eyes. Shen Qingqiu felt stuck there for a moment. His expression was guarded and almost harsh, like he wanted his glare to do physical damage to the man he was staring at. Maybe in a different state, he'd even be baring his teeth at Shen Qingqiu. That moment hung between the two of them as Shen Qingqiu considered his options carefully.

"I know you didn't want to see me."

Though he'd been the one to start talking, he found himself unable to continue. Unsure of how to put things into words and desperately not wanting to mess up, Shen Qingqiu closed his mouth again. An expression of thoughtfulness fell upon his face. Binghe was standing off to the side staring at his Shizun. He hadn't had much to say about this situation, he'd been uncertain about a lot.

"But I want to help you." Shen Qingqiu finally settled on. "In order to help you though, I'll need to be honest with you. Completely honest with you. The level of honesty it would require, it isn't something that comes easy to me, trust me. I've kept these secrets for years, Binghe's come to understand some of it. But it doesn't feel right to hide it from you, of all people."

"Hm?" It was barely a noise of acknowledgement, but Shen Jiu was showing that he was listening.

"We're a lot more alike than you might think. Trust me, I don't just mean because of how we look or anything like that, you already know we're compared or associated with each other. Aside from all of that, we're more similar in a way that can be hard to struggle with. I found someone who could understand me, and I may be able to help you as well. If only you'll listen to me."

It was true. Shen Qingqiu had only opened up to Binghe about parts of his secrets. Having gotten married to him, making everything official between the two of them. It hadn't felt right at all to keep lying to him. Even just by omission, it didn't feel right. But explaining it all at once wouldn't make any sense, and he hadn't wanted to overwhelm or hurt Binghe in the process.

This is also the reason that Binghe doesn't know what to feel. Having Shen Jiu in front of him should make him uncomfortable or pensive. A younger Shen Qingqiu, had been harsher to him. Someone he was wary of. Even as his heart had ached for his Shizun, he'd still held fear towards him. But his Shizun had told him things weren't so clear, and that he could feel however he needed to, but that there was more to it.

Not to excuse it, but to explain the situation better. Now, Shen Qingqiu also wanted to fill Shen Jiu in on these things. While not all of the information will be all that important or relevant to Shen Jiu. Shen Qingqiu just wants to lay all his cards on the table. Explain himself and try to help Shen Jiu in anyway he can. He had to gain Shen Jiu's trust first.

Uncertainty filled Shen Qingqiu as he waited for Shen Jiu's verdict. But, miraculously, Shen Jiu eventually nodded his head and allowed Liu Qingge to help him up. His skin still had a flush of pink across it. Unsteady on his feet, supported by Liu Qingge's strong arms. He was helped up and then brought into the house. Binghe stepped out of the way to let them in, and waited for his Shizun.

"Is Shizun certain?"

Grabbing onto Binghe's hand, Shen Qingqiu gave it a squeeze. When it comes to his Shizun, Binghe has always been a worrier. Overthinking everything and making checking in with his Shizun to make sure he's certain. Shen Qingqiu's smile was real and genuine when he looked at Binghe. Despite all Binghe had come to learn, he'd stayed by Shen Qingqiu's side and loved him.

His love for his Shizun isn't altered by what he's learnt. The person he fell in love with, is his Shizun. His Shizun has taken care of him, tended to his injuries and worried about him. Shen Qingqiu has shown him kindness, softness and love. He was Shen Qingqiu, and he was his Shizun. Binghe's favourite person in the world, the man he'd married.

"It's important. Really, I should've started being more honest about it earlier. It'll be okay, if nothing else, I know I'll always have my husband." Shen Qingqiu's smile turned into a confident grin as he stepped past Binghe and entered the house.

Once inside the room, Shen Qingqiu was faced with the sight of Shen Jiu absolutely wrapped around Liu Qingge. It was as if Shen Jiu planned on using the man next to him as a protective shield. Although he was allowing himself to be moved about as Shen Jiu settled in. Liu Qingge looked frozen by this development. Shen Jiu couldn't see from where he was pressed up against Shen Jiu's side, but Liu Qingge's face was becoming increasingly more red.

Settled in and secured, Liu Qingge tentatively placed his hands on Shen Jiu. As if after all Shen Jiu did, he was embarrassed about where to put his hands. Although he couldn't see his face, with his legs thrown over Liu Qingge's lap and his head on Liu Qingge's chest again, he could hear the steady beating of his heart. It was an incredibly comforting sound that Shen Jiu kept seeking out.

He didn't even consider why Liu Qingge's heart might've started to beat faster. Though his head felt clearer than before, he was still a little muddled and unsteady. Basically relying on his instincts, and his instincts were to defend himself and trust Liu Qingge. Watching carefully as Binghe and Shen Qingqiu found themselves on seats opposite them both.

On Shen Qingqiu's face was a particular smile that Liu Qingge had to look away from. Their situation wasn't great still, but overall things had settled just enough for a teasing light to enter Shen Qingqiu's eyes. However, he'd hold himself back until he addressed everything. Nothing was more important than tending to the issue at hand. Even if he had to put off messing with his Shidi.

While Shen Qingqiu was thinking his own thoughts. Just holding himself from chucking aloud. He hadn't realized that his understanding of the situation was off. While his understanding was that Shen Jiu wanted to be protected, and that he trusted Liu Qingge to do that. Doing his best to hide behind Liu Qingge while sitting at the table with them all.

Though elements of this rang true. He didn't realize that Shen Jiu wasn't currently viewing anyone as a threat to his safety. Truly, the reason he was so wrapped up around Liu Qingge was that Shen Qingqiu was with them. Shen Jiu had become familiar with Liu Qingge and Shen Qingqiu's relationship. Had heard no end of rumours and speculation about the feelings Liu Qingge holds for that man.

Developing an understanding of their history and what they've been through. More than anything, what Shen Jiu feared was having Liu Qingge taken from him. Of course, part of it was that Liu Qingge was currently his protector. This man has been taking care of him and defending him this entire time, although he didn't have to. But, a larger part was because Shen Jiu cared for him.

Liu Qingge was his. Though he hadn't fully come around to his feelings, and he didn't exactly know how he felt. All he knew, was that he felt threatened and that the idea of Liu Qingge being taken away from him, turned his stomach bad enough to make him feel physically sick. Shen Jiu wanted to sink his fingers into Liu Qingge. An urge to grip onto him tight enough to leave marks was barely being restrained.

Shen Jiu didn't fully understand. Hadn't had a proper reason to, until now. He'd had Liu Qingge by his side, basically with his full attention on him. Until now, he'd never had a reason to be truly threatened. Sure, he'd worried himself about it. Internally, he'd battled with it. Facing off against the man himself though, really had all his internalized worries and fears clawing their way out of his chest.

Even in the short few moments they've been around each other. Shen Jiu could sense Shen Qingqiu's aura. An incredible personality that leads people, and puts people at ease. He's good at directing people and having them listen to him. He's a better, more developed version of Shen Jiu. Though Shen Jiu doesn't think, even with all the decades Shen Qingqiu has on him, that he'd ever turn out like this.

The longer he watches, the more worried he feels. Though they are similar visually, Shen Jiu could feel the difference in them as people. A part of Shen Jiu, which he kept hidden as much as he could, had hoped that perhaps being a version of Shen Qingqiu, might help him win over Liu Qingge. But even just sitting here, listening to him and watching him. Shen Jiu knew better.

It was blatantly obvious. How could Shen Jiu delude himself. Liu Qingge had spent time around the both of them, the difference would be immense. While Shen Jiu had appreciated the separation between them, and Liu Qingge seeing him as his own person. Having to face the sheer difference between them, it made Shen Jiu feel even more inferior. How could Shen Qingqiu have turned out so much different than She Jiu was now.

Warring over everything inside his own head. Shen Jiu finally realized Shen Qingqiu had been staring at him, and the feeling made him uncomfortable. The look he had on his face wasn't pressuring; it wasn't even observing him all that closely. It's just that Shen Jiu was worried all his jealousy and envy was spelt in big ugly bold red letters across his face.

"How about we start with the last thing you remember, thinking back?"

"I have to start?" Shen Jiu grumbled like he'd been put out.

Shaking his head, Shen Qingqiu explained, "I'd like to know where our stories may differ. I don't want to presume anything just from the memories in my own head."

A second of time ticked by before Shen Jiu said, "Qiu Manor was on fire. I don't remember what happened to it or why it was happening, but I could definitely see it erupting into flames. It was spreading into the surrounding grounds. Trees were alight all around me. I don't know if I was running away or stuck there, but that's as far as my memories go."

Liu Qingge hadn't known this. Perhaps it'd been something brought forth by Qiu Haitang's presence, but Shen Jiu had unlocked this particular memory. In his own head, he could see the scene in more detail. Both Qiu Haitang and Qiu Jianluo were there. Standing before him over at a distance. Their eyes trained on him. There was fire burning so high that the wall of flames stared down at him.

Thinking back to the moment he'd stumbled across Shen Jiu, back when this all began. It'd looked like nature was patchworking itself across his skin, recovering and repairing damaged skin. Liu Qingge had briefly spoken with Shang Qinghua about Shen Qingqiu's mushroom body. How it had been a completely other body that Shen Qingqiu had inhabited when he'd left his own.

Unsure but full of speculation. Shang Qinghua had posited, that perhaps the mushroom hadn't been used to create an entirely different body. Instead, it could've been used to repair a badly damaged body. Not like some perfect healing potion, but as a fungus that spread and overtook its host. Repairing and reworking the body so it would appear the same, but perhaps would never be the same as it was.

"I'll tell you what I've seen in the memories I inherited." Shen Qingqiu started, one hand on the table while the other held hands with Binghe at his side. "The man now known as Zhangmen-shixiong, Yue Qingyuan. He left after telling me he'd return for me. When time had passed and he never returned, I finally gave in. Stop waiting to be saved and took things into my own hands. I killed Qiu Jianluo and fled to serve under my master Wu Yanzi."

"Memories you inherited?" Liu Qingge's voice held notes of confusion, zeroing in on that piece of information.

While Shen Jiu was left frowning over the differences in their stories and how Shen Qingqiu's sounds stronger, Shen Qingqiu pushed through his worries to explain, "I transmigrated into this body years ago. The original owner of this body, the Shen Jiu who was born and grew into Shen Qingqiu, was replaced by myself. For the longest time, my understanding of him was superficial, but eventually I inherited his memories."

"The original?"

Although Shen Qingqiu had always predicted this would be devastating news. He hadn't quite been prepared for the absolute look of despair that came across Liu Qingge's features. Swallowing down his anxiety, Shen Qingqiu repeated himself. Explaining it a little more detail, exactly what that entailed. Describing what little he knew about it all but leaving out Shang Qinghua's story for now.

Worried that Liu Qingge would hate him or be disgusted by him. Shen Qingqiu found himself squeezing Binghe's hand a little harder. Anxious and on edge, but unable to say anything. Defending himself felt foolish. How could he force Liu Qingge to accept him. All of Liu Qingge's love and hate for Shen Qingqiu, originally started with someone other than himself, he took over and never cleared things up with Liu Qingge.

"He qi deviated? Alone?"

"From what I can gather. When his body experience qi deviation, he was swapped out with me. I don't know what he felt or experienced in his final moments, and I'm not sure if we swapped places or I just replaced him. There's not much I can say about those earlier moments, I was truly unprepared and at a loss."

Time flickered by in tense silence before Liu Qingge finally said, "Thank you for doing your best for him. It hurts to know that I'll never make it up to him, but having lived with you and alongside you, I couldn't give that up either. You're no less important to me. No matter the version of him, I've been your Shidi every time and I wouldn't give that up for anything."

Getting a little emotional at his words. Shen Qingqiu couldn't help the tears that made his eyes glossy and shiny. He cracked a little bit of a broken smile and let out a laugh that sounded too much like a sigh. An exhale, releasing all his pent up anxiety. It was like a weight off his shoulders. Admitting to this and also being accepted in return.

But this wasn't a moment to focus on himself. Blinking away the tears that had yet to fall, Shen Qingqiu brought the attention back on the topic at hand. Although his story was relevant to piecing things together and making sure Shen Jiu wasn't the only one having to divulge things. Putting them both on equal footing. He didn't want to take away from Shen Jiu at all.

"Our stories differ when it comes to how we escaped Qiu Manor. I left through murder and arson, while you were only permitted to leave through death or pseudo-death. Somehow though, your story continued on and here you are. Now, like I said, in my memories I had Qi-ge. Do you remember if he existed for you as well?"

With the focus back on him entirely, Shen Jiu shifted closer to Liu Qingge and spoke, "When Qi-ge found an opportunity to leave, he didn't look back. I don't know if you've forgiven your Qi-ge for his failure or inability to come back for you. For me, Qi-ge didn't try come back. I was abandoned by him. He wouldn't have been the one to save my body, if there was someone."

"Oh." Shen Qingqiu said with surprise.

From his time reading the novel, to his own experiences. While he hadn't always appreciated the man's actions or agreed with them. Hearing that a version of their story existed where he completely turned his back on Shen Jiu. Honestly, Shen Qingqiu could hardly believe it. But he trusted Shen Jiu. Knew that he wasn't just cursing his Qi-ge out for something he couldn't help.

"Did you ever interact with a man named Wu Yanzi?"

Shaking his head to signal no, Shen Jiu stayed silent as Shen Qingqiu kept talking, "To me, Wu Yanzi wasn't incredibly helpful. He was a difficult man, but if our stories aligned, I would've assumed that perhaps he'd gotten involved for you. If not him, then I can't think of who else there could be. The staff at Qiu Manor were all nameless and faceless for the most part, nobody would've had the power to step in."

Witnessing the effort Shen Qingqiu was putting in to puzzling this out, Shen Jiu felt himself relax his stance. Just a little though. He still couldn't fully relax himself in Shen Qingqiu's presence, not with Liu Qingge around. But Shen Qingqiu was explaining stuff from his own memories of the past, and trying to piece together an explanation for Shen Jiu.

Not wanting to be outdone, Shen Jiu tried to think about his past. Flashes of Qiu Haitang's face kept popping up in his vision, and his head was pounding. Though Shen Jiu should've been allowed to remember at his own pace. It was important now that they tried to help him recall as much as possible. Having been triggered with this interaction, Shen Jiu was shaky and unstable.

A shock like this could do great damage to his already sensitive state. Making it so that he's unsure of what's real or not, what's a threat in this reality or what calls back to his previous life. Stuck between memories and false depictions brought about by unfamiliar settings mixing with familiar features. They couldn't afford to just leave him to his own devices now.

It's for the best. So, Shen Jiu really tried to push himself to remember. Even as the fire before his eyes felt warmer and warmer, as if he could reach out and touch it's burning heat. It's flames licking at his skin, making him feel sensitive. Nerves alight with it. Qiu Haitang and Qiu Jianluo, he could still feel them staring at him. Like a physical affect against his skin.

Pushing himself, Shen Jiu tried to envision his past. Everything he'd come to recall and remember, he tried to piece it all together. Listening to Shen Qingqiu's even voice as he spoke, flashes of new memories and fragmented memories being brought back together all came to mind. One after the other, he was forced to face the reality of his past.

As they got closer to the front of his mind, it felt like they slipped back through his fingers. Things had been easier to remember in detail when he was sleeping. A memory coming to him while awake, usually they were short and specific. Not something to be looked at too deeply. In order to grasp these memories, Shen Jiu couldn't do it just sitting up, wide awake.

He still felt a little weak from earlier too. Shen Jiu's been trying to hold it together, settling his racing heart and rubbing at the wet corners of his eyes. All he wants to focus on, is not losing Liu Qingge. He wants to be the best version of himself, so he doesn't risk losing the one good thing he's ever had. All Shen Jiu wants for himself, is the opportunity to live happily by Liu Qingge's side.

Not thinking of anything more than that, Shen Jiu puts all his effort into trying to take control of himself. If he's in control, if he can remember properly, then they won't have to worry so much. He won't risk falling apart if something comes by and triggers him. Liu Qingge won't be worried that, if he leaves Shen Jiu's side, he could come home again to the sight he came across earlier.

It wasn't working in his favour. Head throbbing with the effort, eyes stinging in frustration. Shen Jiu eventually had to explain to the rest of them, that he probably wouldn't be able to recall anything too clearly in this state. Being asleep was the most immersive way to experience these memories. They would become more of a physical experience that draws him in.

Binghe finally spoke up, "Meng Mo could probably help us out, I think. He's the one whose done so in the past. If you want to experience your past in something tangible, his dreamscape can do that. But it could be very confronting, being physically there."

"If you aren't sure, we can think of another way." Shen Qingqiu supplied an out as he listened to Binghe's suggestion, understanding that it was the best course of action and a good suggestion from Binghe, didn't stop him from worrying.

"That'll take too long." Shen Jiu reasoned, shaking his head. "I don't want to drag this out."

"Don't force yourself."

Turning to face Liu Qingge's worried expression, Shen Jiu reassured him, "I'm not scared. Unlike in the past, I'll have you by my side through it this time. If it truly gets too much, I have you pull me back out, and then it won't be real anymore. You'll save me from it."

Once they were all in agreeance, Binghe was able to communicate with Meng Mo. They cleared up that Shen Jiu's memories were repaired enough to go into safely. Though, he couldn't confirm just how it would turn out. While it was safe to go into, and the dreamscape wouldn't shatter around them. The effects of being in memories with such large ties to personal trauma can be hard to overcome.

Meng Mo warned Binghe and Binghe handed the warning over to Shen Jiu. He nodded his head and agreed still, that it was the best course of action and that he was still walling to do it. The memories Shen Yuan had gone into had been traumatizing to witness, but he'd gotten through them. Qiu Haitang had experienced the same sort of memories, and it'd taken her a much longer time to overcome them.

For Shen Jiu, it could spell disaster for his fragile mind. But he looked confident in the face of Liu Qingge's worries. As if there wasn't a single thing to worry about and that'd all be just fine. Shen Jiu wanted to be strong for Liu Qingge, wanted to demonstrate how capable he is. Since he's come here, he hasn't been able to do much of that at all.

All it feels like he's been doing, is showing Binghe pathetic sides of himself. Sure, he's been healing and recovering. Making himself adapt to the world he'd come into somehow. But he'd done nothing but pathetically rely on Liu Qingge's good will. Afterall, Liu Qingge didn't have to take care of him like this. It's a thought he keeps happening, he's relying on Liu Qingge's goodwill.

What Shen Jiu wants isn't his pity. Isn't just him reaching a hand out to help someone in need. Shen Jiu wanted to be appealing to Liu Qingge, and he wanted to be able to stand by his side. With all these thoughts swirling around inside his head, he was led to the bedroom further in the house. It would be more suitable to lay down for this process, incase he hurt himself accidently while sleeping sitting up.

Once he'd been laid down on the bed. Liu Qingge half leant himself on it and pushed the hair out of his face. His knuckles rubbed against the red corners of Shen Jiu's eyes for a second, almost distractedly. Like he didn't notice where his attention had strayed to, a concerned look present on his face. But his hand moved to cup the side of Shen Jiu's face softly.

Though Binghe and Shen Qingqiu were present, they hung back for now. Trying not to listen in as Liu Qingge softly promised to be right here. He'd wake him up if there seemed to be something wrong. Shen Jiu quietly had him promise not to take him out too soon. He might struggle and be scared, but he had to endure it. He trusted that Liu Qingge would know if he really needed to be taken out.

"I'm stronger than you think." Shen Jiu said at last, a melancholy look on his face as he settled in properly to sleep.

With his eyes closed and consciousness fading away. He didn't take any notice of Liu Qingge's reaction. The devastation on Liu Qingge's face at those words. He didn't want Shen Jiu to have to be strong through this. This was all nearly too much for Liu Qingge, his heart ached for Shen Jiu. But Shen Jiu kept piling responsibility on top of responsibility onto himself.

Despite what Liu Qingge could see in his expressions and body language. He was trying to comfort Liu Qingge and be tougher for him. Liu Qingge didn't want Shen Jiu to just have to grit his teeth and bear it. When it's too much, all he wants Shen Jiu to do is be able to escape from it all. He's never felt this much distress over someone in his entire life.

Like his own heart was only beating because they were still alive and okay. When they experienced pain, so did Liu Qingge. He felt entirely connected to Shen Jiu and his worry for him was immense. Shen Qingqiu watched on from behind with great fondness. Taking in every unspoken moment between the two of them. It made him happy to witness, even in such a pensive and unfortunate moment.

It wasn't always the best times that brought people together. Shen Qingqiu's just glad that they have each other through this. He couldn't imagine having overcome anything if Binghe hadn't stuck by his side through it all. Thinking about this, Shen Qingqiu stole a glance at his husband. Unsurprisingly, finding him already staring down at him.

Binghe leant down to rest his forehead against Shen Qingqiu's. Unlike it times before, Binghe felt a sense of ease while being on Cang Qiong Mountain. Liu Qingge's attention was barely on Shen Qingqiu unless it was respectfully needed. He'd watched Liu Qingge's attention stray to and stay with Shen Jiu almost every possible moment. It made Binghe feel more secure.

An unknowing connection between Binghe and Shen Jiu. Desperate to find connection and fearing it being taken away from them. Their guiding light, their one happiness, being the man they love. Worrying themselves sick and trying to connect them in every way possible so they can't be separated. Desperation often leads them to doing foolish things.

"I'll stay right here." Liu Qingge whispered, and it almost sounded like he was begging when he said, "Please be safe."

Chapter Text

Meng Mo had experienced a lot. But entering Shen Jiu's subconscious was nauseating even for him. Though he hadn't experienced worldly things in a very long time, as he stepped into that space, he felt seconds away from burning alive. Like the heat of the blaze was seared into Shen Jiu's very soul. All around everything was alight in harsh arrays of yellow, orange and red.

The ache it left behind was both mental and physical. Meng Mo could tell that Shen Jiu tried to contain a lot of it, entirely subconsciously as he'd only just come to fully realize what'd been blocked out of his memories. It was an experience so painful that it left such long lasting scars. Looking around, Meng Mo could see the sheer amount of damage it did.

Razing everything to the ground. The atmosphere around him made him feel like he was choking with it. This wasn't the point he would start with though, and after being in that moment, motionless for a second more, Meng Mo moved backwards in time. Using his intuitive sense for it, to find the point in time they needed to go back to, to start unravelling this situation.

When Shen Jiu opened his eyes, he was outside of Qiu Manor. Though he wasn't permitted to leave Qiu Jianluo's room very often, Shen Jiu had never been explicitly told he was banned from going outside. The manor was very isolated, walled off and hidden away from sight. Patrolled by a light but diligent guard. They were a well off family but not one who'd be considered suitable targets so protection was meager.

Only a few guards patrolled the manor but the amount of stall made it so that you never felt alone. Eyes were constantly watching you. Either in scrutiny or out of curiosity. Large looming trees hung their branches over the tall wall. In the yard out the back, smaller trees grew fruit and the ground was littered with fruit that had fallen off the branches.

A small pond was pushed to the back. It wasn't well maintained and there was only a singular fish in it. Though it held a certain degree of beauty, it all felt so hollow and performative that Shen Jiu could barely enjoy it. Allowing Shen Jiu to roam free didn't concern Qiu Jianluo all that much. Not only were they a decent distance from other houses in this particular manor.

But he kept Shen Jiu underfed, injured and dependent. If Shen Jiu had ever thought of escaping, he wouldn't last long enough to even reach a quarter of the way between this manor and the next. Qiu Jianluo's confidence and assuredness was disgusting but it allowed Shen Jiu certain freedoms. So, whenever he could afford to, Shen Jiu all but dragged himself outside.

On this day, the sun was hanging fairly low in the sky. Light shining behind white clouds, spread out across the hidden blue expanse of the sky. Shen Jiu didn't have access to a clock so he never quite new the time of day. However, he felt content walking about in the atmosphere that permeated the manor grounds at this time. Less staff members were milling about, completing duties.

Qiu Haitang had been invited by one of her aunts to go somewhere and hadn't been back for a few days. Typically, Qiu Jianluo liked to take advantage of Qiu Haitang's absences to not have such a tight grip on Shen Jiu. He could afford to give Shen Jiu a longer leash without Qiu Haitang's curious or cautious gaze falling upon them. So, that's how Shen Jiu had found his way out again on this day.

Shen Jiu had found a small round object near one of the wood sheds. Kicking it around had entertained him until he accidently kicked it too far. Frustratingly, the object had managed to roll over weeds and knock against rocks on the ground until it flew towards one of the back walls. Incidentally, rolling through the only gap in the Qiu Manor's walls.

A round door that led out the back. When Qiu Jianluo kept his horse at this manor, the horse would be led through there by the man himself to do some light hunting. In an area like this, there wasn't too many impressive animals to hunt down but it was suitable for practice at least. He had a childhood friend whose manor was closer to more expansive hunting grounds, and the horse was now kept on their land.

With so few staff members going by, no one noticed Shen Jiu slipping out. He hadn't intended to go for anyway. There was nothing to be concerned about, his light steps on the grass could barely be heard and he'd return within a moment. As soon as he got his hands on that object. Huffing a breath, Shen Jiu had one hand on the rounded door and his head was just poking out through it.

Standing only a few metres away and now advancing towards the object Shen Jiu was searching for. A young boy, around his age or a little younger, was seen. Having not expected to see anyone, Shen Jiu's heart jumped into his throat. Coughing a few times, he held his chest like he'd just received a great shock. Not wanting to be seen like this and thought to be escaping, his rush to explain himself almost made him throw up his meager breakfast.

"I didn't mean to startle you." Although he didn't apologize, he did seem a little apologetic for his unintentional act.

Finally, he approached the object and leant down to pick it up. They weren't too far away from each other like this. Taking a look at him, Shen Jiu realized he didn't recognize him at all. Though often not for good reason, Shen Jiu had become very familiar with the Qiu Manor's household staff and guards. Especially the men. To not recognize someone meant they likely didn't belong here.

"Who are you?"

The question slipped out before Shen Jiu could think better of it. His voice was a little rough, throat dry. Having focused on enjoying his time outside, he hadn't gone in to search for a drink of water in some time. Not that he was entirely used to talking at all. It's not something he often did. Even when he was engaged in conversation, there wasn't much he could say.

It's what it made it worse when he was angry or frustrated. Having all these feelings welling up inside of him, and hardly any words to truly express himself. Shen Jiu had taken to developing his vocabulary and strengthening his sense of self. Gathering all the words he could whenever he would have an outburst. Even if it displeased Qiu Jianluo to hear, Shen Jiu didn't hold back.

Looking down at himself and then looking over at Shen Jiu. The boy titled his head to the side, like the question itself confused him. Not because he didn't understand what the question meant, but that he couldn't comprehend why he'd been asked that. As if it was obvious who he was. Almost like it was an affront that this person was suggesting they didn't know.

"You belong to the Qiu household and don't know who I am?"

Momentarily dumbstruck, Shen Jiu voiced his confusion, "Sorry. I don't know."

The boy seemed to pout. Not dramatically and not in a way that hinted to an outburst or a tantrum. He just seemed displeased to hear this. The sight of him, he was such a small little thing. Wearing robes that looked too big for him, different shades of grey stretched and falling over his less than impressive frame. A wooden sword hung at his belt.

"Even if we don't interact with other families. We're forced to learn about them. How come you don't know who I am?"

"Well." Shen Jiu started, "Do you know who I am?"

Like he hadn't considered the possibility of being asked that, the kid opened his mouth only to close it again. He seemed to struggle, trying to find an answer as he searched his mind. With a frown, he finally opened his mouth and changed the subject. Suggesting that perhaps he wasn't important enough to know, and that's why he didn't know who he was.

On the other hand, he should be important enough for Shen Jiu to recognize and know of. Shen Jiu considered this little lord in silence. Though there wasn't much of a difference between the two of them in age. Their treatment was glaringly different. Though ill-fitting, the robes on this young lord were pristine and expensive. His body held a roundness to it that showed he was well fed in his youth.

Hair silky and skin flushed a healthy red colour. In Shen Jiu's childhood, he'd never appeared like this even once. Even though he was treated to better conditions in Qiu Manor then he had access to on the streets. It still wasn't anything to write home about. He wasn't a little lord, even as a prospective partner to the young Qiu Haitang. The two of them stood at a standstill.

This would turn out to be Shen Jiu's first time meeting with Liu Qingge. They were quite young at that point. Neither of them knowing much of anything. In that first meeting, Shen Jiu hadn't learnt the young boys' name. Only that he belonged to a manor quite a way away. He'd been out with his father, travelling through the pass not too far from Qiu Manor, when he'd wandered off.

By the time Liu Qingge's father could be heard. Shen Jiu had scurried off out of sight, and when Liu Qingge had turned to look back at him, he'd already disappeared. Still holding the round object in his arms, he'd felt a little bit embarrassed. Like he'd just stolen something. Awkwardly, he'd shuffled over towards the round door to place it down, before rushing off to his father.

To Shen Jiu, a memory like this basically shone a beautiful gold. It was important and valued to him, but it'd been hidden away. Even as he'd unpacked parts of his memory as he'd begun to remember. Still, this memory had been hidden further away. Almost like it was being treasured and protected. Kept safe from everyone and any person who might lay their hands on it until Meng Mo dusted it off and brought Shen Jiu back into it.

Suddenly pulled out of that experience. Shen Jiu stood in hazy nothingness for a moment, disorientated as he'd been drawn out of a memory and put back into his own body. Once in the memory, Shen Jiu lost himself to the experience. Living out the moment just as he remembered it. Having no control to change anything. Not able to speak or move of his own accord.

In one moment he was standing still and the next he was thrown forward into something else. Once again Shen Jiu found himself outside, looking around at the blue sky that was completely uncovered. Clouds were sparse and separated. The sun was beaming down on him from up high. The sound of crickets in the grass by Shen Jiu's feet were loud and buzzing in his ears.

"He always gives me a time, as if I know when that is."

Muttering to himself, an older Shen Jiu picked at blades of grass. With his back to the far wall, he remained more or less out of sight. The main family were all occupied for the day and the staff were in a buzz. All pulled into a million different directions. They were preparing for something. Shen Jiu hadn't paid any attention when he'd overheard them discussing it.

Distracted as he was, Shen Jiu didn't hear the sound of approaching footsteps. Only realizing someone else was there, when a pair of eyes peered down at him from above him. Sat on the grass, it was easy for Liu Qingge to appear taller than him. But, unfortunately, in the years they'd known each other, Liu Qingge had shot up. Taller than him now even when Shen Jiu is standing.

This time, he was wearing robes that fit his figure far better. Shen Jiu coughed a little, an embarrassed flush light against his skin. Eager to stand up and dust himself off. He found himself shooting up almost like he'd been startled. Liu Qingge laughed a little but gave Shen Jiu face, looking over at the manor for a second as Shen Jiu sorted himself out.

It wasn't often Liu Qingge could visit him. Especially as he got older, more duties found themselves held over his head. Pulled in so many different directions that he had looked haggard at first, until he'd learnt to meet those expectations head on. Forced to grow at an incredible rate. Liu Qingge had become a man quite young, he'd stood straight in front of his father and proven himself again and again.

He'd told Shen Jiu last time that he'd appear in the time between two hours. Yet, Shen Jiu still didn't have access to any clocks or ways to keep track of time. Which left him sitting like an abandoned puppy every day by the circular door. On the day's he's allowed out, milling about back there hoping that today would be the day that Liu Qingge appeared made him look quite desperate.

"You're finally here!" Shen Jiu said with exacerbation.

"What do you mean?" Liu Qingge said with a straight face but his tone held a hint of cheekiness, "I'm right on time."

Coughing again, Shen Jiu looked in one direction then another before slipping out through the circular door. They never went far when they spent time together, for numerous reasons. Not only did Shen Jiu have to consider someone hunting him down and suspecting him of escaping if he went too far away. But also his health had never improved enough for him to travel far.

Sitting with their backs against the other side of the wall, knees touching and eyes gazing out on the stretch of woods laid out in front of them. They soaked in the rays of sunlight filtered through the trees overhead. Shadows cast about. A bird flew by with incredible speed before settling on one of the higher branches. Feathers a beautiful array of colours.

"Have you thought about what I said?"

There was an odd amount of vulnerability in his words. Like he feared rejection or humiliation. Cautiously looking to the side, taking a look at Shen Jiu before his eyes returned to stare out at the scenery. He didn't have his father looking for him this time. Telling his father, he'd gone out to practise, Liu Qingge had slipped away to come find Shen Jiu.

"You'd like to think that I think about you when you're gone, wouldn't you?" His words were a tease, slipping the conversation away from the intended serious topic.

Liu Qingge wouldn't let him get away with it this time, "I'm being serious."

With a sigh, Shen Jiu answered, "I know you are."

A moment of silence blanketed over them. Liu Qingge was holding himself very still, and Shen Jiu let out another sigh. Pulling his legs against his chest meant that his knee was no longer touching Liu Qingge's. Having pulled away, Liu Qingge couldn't help but flinch lightly. Like he'd been struck, anxious at the loss of warmth shared between the two of them.

In the next moment though, Shen Jiu had sidled up next to Liu Qingge and leant his head against his shoulder. Usually, Shen Jiu ran quite cold. It was as if his body could never retain heat. Often leaving him shivering and shaking, no matter what the weather was outside. Given the fact that Shen Jiu didn't wear shoes, it was often made worse by this.

Now though, it was clear that Shen Jiu was burning up. Not in a way that reflected the moderately warm day outside. He hadn't been pleasantly heated by the suns rays as he sat outside, patiently waiting. It was an unhealthy burn. One that made Liu Qingge want to flinch away from as it made contact with his own skin. He wouldn't allow himself to have that sort of reaction though.

Enduring it, Liu Qingge spoke up again, "You know you can trust me. Don't you?"

"Of course I know that. You're the only person I could ever trust."

"Then-,"

Shen Jiu cut him off gently, a cough disrupting his words, "I know you want to steal me and hide me away. I've never been allowed to want things, but if I could want for anything, it'd be for you to take me away from here. But you know as well as I do, that I won't last long. Qiu Jianluo doesn't share with me what medicine it is that he gives me, and I'd never survive without it."

As a punishment one time, and perhaps to cement it in Shen Jiu's reality that he'd never be free of him. Qiu Jianluo withheld his medication from him for a few short days. Even at that, it became unbearable far too quickly. Shen Jiu was dependent on whatever it was Qiu Jianluo was medicating him with. His body couldn't stand any disruptions in his regular dosage.

"My family can employ the best doctors to look over you."

"What if they can't figure out what's wrong with me? What am I meant to do? Come crawling back to Qiu Jianluo, begging for his help?"

His words sounded a little harsh, a cruel twist to each one of them. But he was just speaking truthfully, and Liu Qingge knew it. Honestly, he understood it perfectly and he didn't fight Shen Jiu on it too hard. It's just that he wished he had the ability to take Shen Jiu away from this situation. Feeling this helpless and hopeless, despite how hard he'd worked to become a powerful man, it made him feel useless.

As if all he'd accomplished over the years meant nothing in the face of one defeat. Not being able to save the person he cared for. They weren't exactly affectionate in any sort of specific way. Their life experienced were limited and disruptive. All they knew, was that they found comfort in each other. When Shen Jiu saw Liu Qingge, something inside of himself was comforted.

Feelings of content and peace settled the raging storm of confusion and worry that pervaded his mind. It was such a beautiful day, and he was curled up against Liu Qingge for the moment. Although their conversation was upsetting and refused to go anywhere, they didn't resent the other for it. They were young and powerless, what more was there for them to do but dream and hope.

Perhaps all they had was a crazy, untrustworthy spark of hope, "I read something about a mushroom."

"You're into gardening now? What's next, farming?"

Flicking Shen Jiu on the forehead, Liu Qingge continued on with a roll of his eyes, "It's some sort of magic mushroom-,"

Interrupting again, Shen Jiu laughed, "Who knew you had so much free time to mess around with such meaningless topics."

"The sun-moon dew mushroom is in Bai Lu Forests, and I suspect its near Lushui Lake. All the records I've found are inconsistent and difficult to follow but if it's real, and if it's really there. I think it might be able to help you."

"Now, what could a mushroom do for me?"

"It could build you a knew body. If cultivation is poured into it and it's shaped and tended to properly, it'll be the perfect thing for you to slip into. You'd be free from your illnesses, and in a new body, how easy would it be to escape from Qiu Jianluo's clutches?"

Although he hadn't lived long, Shen Jiu didn't hold a lot of hope in his heart. There wasn't much in this world that belonged to him. Besides terrible experiences, Shen Jiu hadn't lived through much of note. In this pathetic, lowly existence, only Liu Qingge had meant much of anything to him. If it gave him hope, and filled him with enthusiasm, then Shen Jiu couldn't just shoot the idea down.

Liu Qingge looked so hopefully as he shared this information. Expecting Shen Jiu to be excited as he was at the prospect of solving everything in one fell swoop. Shen Jiu just gave him a dazzling smile before settling in closer to Liu Qingge. Liu Qingge would promise to find the mushroom and prepare it for Shen Jiu. Shen Jiu would pretend to believe that his life could change.

Dragged out of the comfort of that moment. Shen Jiu fell to his knees in the darkness. No longer able to stand up using his own two legs. He felt misery and dread rush through him like an ice cold river. Like he'd been thrown in, and a storm had forced it to surge and grow. Crashing over him and pushing him under. Making it difficult for him to breath, unable to surface.

Shen Jiu clutched at his chest but couldn't find it in him to cry out. His throat was sore, and the sobs in him were choked up and stuck in his chest. Aching with the pain of everything inside of him. Shen Jiu wished tears would fall, so that he could express something. But a numbness kept his body from doing much of anything, it couldn't even be warmed by the golden light of his memory. Just left like a shell of himself, to feel.

This time, it felt like someone had kicked him into the next moment. Tumbling forward until he was splayed out on the floor. Looking up, he could see Qiu Jianluo in all his fierce glory, standing over him. Shen Jiu had been knocked down by a blow, and he lay there on the ground. In a daze, he could do nothing more then cough. A dribble of blood slipping past his lips and streaking over his face when Shen Jiu wiped at it.

His eyes were unfocused, but he zeroed in on Qiu Jianluo. The man was yelling something, frustration clear in his body language. Seeing that Shen Jiu wasn't rushing to get up this time, he started to pace around. Focusing in, Shen Jiu could hear what the man was saying now. Grumbling to himself, words harsh and rushing out of him as he went from sentence to sentence.

"Can't believe none of the useless staff ever saw you two together. I'm sure you thought you were so smart. That nobody would find out your secret. Well, look where that's gotten you. All that confidence went to your head, stupidity clouded your judgement. You messed up."

At first, Shen Jiu didn't know what he was talking about. It was like his mind was completely blank. Much like it had been when he'd woken up and dug himself out of the ground. Like everything had been burned away. A blackness that resembled a scorched earth left in its wake. Only then did Shen Jiu realize that he was more aware this time around.

Though he still wasn't in control. He could feel physical sensations. Ears ringing from the strike, the sticky, tacky feeling of blood. The confusion causing his head to swim. All other thoughts were wiped from his mind, he couldn't think of a single other thing. Could only vaguely focus on what came after this and he couldn't remember at all, what had come before this. All he knew was that Qiu Jianluo was angry with him.

It seemed, as Meng Mo focused in, that Shen Jiu had tried to compartmentalize his memories. Hide certain things away. Even now, he'd been protecting himself and it seemed he'd been preparing. To Shen Jiu in this moment, his youthful golden memories were all but snuffed out. A candle with a flame that he'd pinched with his own two fingers. Because that light would give too much away.

He didn't want what came next to sour what he'd experienced. Never wanted to blame Liu Qingge for anything. All that resounded in the empty space of his head, was an odd sense of familiarity and comfort for something he'd locked away. Everything else, all those memories had been jumbled and taken from him when he'd returned in that new version of reality.

Those memories of Liu Qingge had been dealt with by his own hands. So, he faced down Qiu Jianluo, feeling like he'd been truly wronged and not knowing why. Unable to figure out what his master was muttering about. Shen Jiu was lost as he'd taken each strike. They were in Qiu Jianluo's room, like they always seemed to have found themselves in. As if this is the only place he's ever known.

Locked away, Qiu Jianluo leered down at him and spat, "I'll expose him to the other families. See how they like a perverted homosexual joining their ranks. That he's been messing with another families slaves. If they don't kill him, then I'm sure his status would be torn apart. His father would be ashamed to have ever known him, and his poor sister will suffer the consequences of his downfall."

Unknowing of why he reacted, Shen jiu finally shot up and pushed Qiu Jianluo until he fell against the bedroom door. Letting out a growl of frustration, Qiu Jianluo kicked him back down to the floor. This time, he coughed up more blood than he had during his last hit. The room went black for a moment before he collected himself. That moment must've dragged on though.

Qiu Haitang had rushed to the bedroom. Her small fists banging against the door. In his daze, with his sight blacked out, Shen Jiu could smell something. When his sight returned, Qiu Haitang was standing by the door. Something had been knocked over during their fight, and a small fire was spreading in the bedroom. There were so many flammable things in this one room alone.

Concerned, Qiu Haitang had come in to save her brother and her fiancé. At her brothers words though, she'd been convinced that Shen Jiu was not to be saved. He hadn't been able to hear the reasoning Qiu Jianluo used. Whatever she'd been told, she only stood, lost, in the doorway for a moment before he brother dragged her away. The fire was beginning to spread as Shen Jiu struggled to get up.

Having pushed Qiu Haitang out of the house. Qiu Jianluo had come back inside, perhaps under the guise of cheeking for staff to evacuate. Along his way, he continued to knock things over and continue to encourage the blaze to grow. Once he'd done a lap of the house, the fire had spread at an incredible speed. Shen Jiu's lungs were filling with smoke as he struggled.

Flames licked at his skin and burns formed across his body. He struggled to make his way out of Qiu Manor but there was not much he could do. Even if he got himself out, it wasn't like they'd do anything to save him. His body ached and the pain made it difficult to keep pushing forward. Having gotten himself standing, using the burning walls to guide himself through the house.

He all but fell to his knees just before the exit. Everything that made up Qiu Manor was ablaze. Fire had even splintered off and crashed into the trees outside. All the nature around them started to burn away. Qiu Jianluo didn't flee from the scene. He stood there, staring at Shen Jiu. Qiu Haitang was standing behind his back, a little anxious and fearful.

Shen Jiu could feel every pained inhale. The way his skin stretched and pulled. Agony in his final moments. He held out though, eventually Qiu Jianluo deemed it unsafe to hang around with Qiu Haitang and they fled. The manor was mostly deserted. In his blank gaze, the burning surroundings were all he could see. The light almost seared its way into his vision.

Although Shen Jiu couldn't consciously remember more. Meng Mo was able to drag out the scene to see what happened next. Though it was more fragmented and unsure, Shen Jiu was able to look down on the perspective below them. Like he was witnessing something he hadn't experienced. The fire had alerted people, but nobody had rushed over as fast as Liu Qingge.

Perhaps he'd already been on his way over. He'd searched around, concerned and anxious. Falling to his knees by Shen Jiu's collapsed body. Bending down, he searched for signs of life. Trying to feel his breath, hear his heartbeat or see the rise and fall of his chest. Desperate and heartbroken. Liu Qingge was frantic and out of options, his face was already streaked with tears.

It was too soon; he hadn't been able to perfect the sun-moon dew mushroom. There was no new body for Shen Jiu to enter into. In his desperation, he'd poured all his cultivation into fixing Shen Jiu's body with this mushroom. Yet, that wasn't enough for him. As he could feel his core shattering with the effort and strain. Pouring all of himself into this.

What Liu Qingge wanted, was Shen Jiu's safety and happiness. He'd wanted him to be free of Qiu Manor. Bringing him back in this reality seemed too cruel, especially of he was going to be leaving it soon. Who, but himself, could protect Shen Jiu. Liu Qingge had never been particularly devoted to the god's or any higher power. But, in this moment, he felt himself begging for Shen Jiu to be sent somewhere better.

As Liu Qingge collapsed onto Shen Jiu's motionless body. Shen Jiu suddenly felt himself shooting upwards. Taking in deep gasping breaths as he recalled what moments he was conscious of next. How he'd found himself in the dirt, as his body tried to knit itself together and heal. How he'd clawed his way out, confused. Mouth full of dirt and mind completely muddled.

How he'd found himself in the presence of a man who extended his hand and extended his kindness. Shen Jiu had been taken in and cared for. What that version of Liu Qingge had wanted, had come true. Shen Jiu could hear voices. He didn't realize until his sight cleared up and focused in, that he'd woken himself up from the dreams he'd fallen into with Meng Mo's help.

Liu Qingge was at his side. Calling to him, staring at him with worry etched across his features. He was flooding him with his own qi, trying to circulate it through Shen Jiu and steady him. Who knew, that it would be so natural feeling and soothing, because his body had already been flooded with Liu Qingge's essence. Everything that had made up Liu Qingge, had been used to sustain Shen Jiu's life.

It was almost too much to bear. Words wouldn't find themselves at the tip of his tongue, he truly didn't know what to say. What could he possibly say, that would make up for or explain any of this. Shen Jiu realized that he'd been crying. Wiping the tears from his face and sucking in a few stuttering breaths. He tried to make himself appear a little less pitiful.

Giving himself only a moment of reprieve, he assured Liu Qingge that he was okay before starting to detail everything to the other three. Though he'd pieced together things from his broken and fragmented memories. Only now was everything truly pieced together. Even his most hidden memories were brought to life. His voice shaking as he went through each of these moments. The room was silent as everyone listened without interrupting.

Chapter Text

"Didn't realize we were so short on time."

Shang Qinghua had showed up at Liu Qingge's place while Shen Jiu was at the tail end of his explanation. Perhaps, to everyone's surprise, Shen Jiu had been relatively put together during his explanation. Of course, he mourned for a loved one lost, but he'd been given a second chance. At the cost of the previous Liu Qingge's life. It was clear he refused to waste it.

He was thinking quite a lot of things through. A look of concentration on his face, and that's when Shang Qinghua had arrived. Nobody had summoned him here, but after hearing a few things from all the kids who'd arrived. He knew he had to go over and explain a few things as well. Holding a bunch of paper in his arms, which he'd gone off and collected from his peak, Shang Qinghua stumbled his way over.

"Ah, sorry." He seemed to instinctively rush to apologize, before continuing on, "I started to suspect something a little while back. The other day I pulled Liu-Shidi side to collect more information, but I wasn't prepared to discuss it all around so many people."

Shen Yuan raised an eyebrow at him, "Always seems to be you at the other end of these things, huh."

"How was I meant to know this would happen, this wasn't even a finished story!"

Though his words were unclear. At least Shen Yuan was able to piece a few things together and presume about what had transpired. The other three, now moved out of the slightly cramped bedroom and back out into the main room. Sat around a table together, cups of tea placed in front of them. Those three had absolutely no idea what it was that Shang Qinghua was complaining about.

Shifting around on his seat, Shang Qinghua finally started to speak, "For those who don't know. I'm the one who created this, reality, I guess we could call it?"

With those words, he looked over at Shan Yuan to see if he'd already explained this. Though Shen Yuan had given the start to an emotional admission earlier, it hadn't been extensive and it hadn't exactly covered things like this. Much to Shang Qinghua's dismay. As now he had to explain things mostly from start to finish, though, Shan Yuan thought this responsibility belonged to the novel writer.

Trying to choose his words carefully. Allowing his creations to understand hat he's explaining. Shang Qinghua detailed about how he'd started writing a novel, and that the original ideas he'd once had, were revised and reworked until the published story became what it was. That Shen Yuan became his biggest critic, and that the both of them were sent into the novel to change things.

Although, neither had it appropriately explained to them at the time. They'd been completely dumped into this alternative world and made to fend for themselves. All of the choices they made were split between things the system wanted them to do, and the things they chose for themselves. At some point though, the system had become satisfied, and therefore didn't interfere as much.

"Or so that's what I thought. When Shen Jiu here arrived, I was completely thrown off. Shen Yuan's arrival into his world as a transmigrator, like myself, made sense to me. I couldn't place where Shen Jiu had come from though, I know my characters and I understood almost straight away that this wasn't my original Shen Jiu. After talking with Liu-Shidi about it, I remembered something else."

The sound of rain had started up again. Hitting heavily against the ground, making the earth outside a muddy mess. Shang Qinghua had trekked some of it inside, but Liu Qingge had held himself back from mentioning it. The tree's swayed noisily in the wind as the speed picked up, rushing through the leaves and making the branches snap and fall to the ground below.

Speaking over the noise outside, he continued his explanation. "When I had to change the plot of my story to fit the wants of my readers. It left my dissatisfied. Of course I had the original drafts and ideas jotted down that created hidden backstory for characters in the main plot. When I was nearing the end of my story, I mourned the loss of Liu Qingge and Shen Jiu's development."

"Ah?" Shen Yuan sounded surprised to hear this, "I didn't know you thought about things like that."

"Many of the characters didn't stand a chance in the finalized novel. Things I'd tried to include to build up characters backstories just never felt like enough. Then, one night, I was left wondering what it would've been like, had Liu Qingge come across Shen Jiu earlier. Given what Shen Jiu's characterization became, he would've never admitted that kind of backstory to anyone. So, of course Liu Qingge never knew his hardships, not really."

"Did you write a liujiu childhood friends to lovers au?" Wide eyed, Shen Yuan spoke these words that went over everyone else's heads.

"It was for my own peace of mind. As a writer, it's something I needed to explore, even if it couldn't be published like my main novel. But it seems that something I created in that story was powerful enough, that it developed a mind of it's own and the Shen Jiu from that story was also sent here. That story never got finished, it didn't have such an ending. But it also makes sense that the system saw it fit to bring a Shen Jiu into our world considering we don't have one anymore."

An empty void was filled up. Shen Jiu had been removed from this story earlier, and now the system had sought to remedy what it'd done. Neither Shen Yuan nor Shang Qinghua could tell whether it felt guilt for its actions. Perhaps it just felt compelled to make the story seem whole again. Whatever the reason, it had knit together the loose ends of a one shot Shang Qinghua wrote and brought that reality into this one.

"I don't know much more than this." Finally, Shang Qinghua's explanations were coming to an end, "What I do know though, is that once you've regained your memories, it seems you'll start to lose them again."

Having kept silent all this time, Liu Qingge finally sat forward and rushed to ask, "What do you mean?"

"Unlike Shen Yuan and I, we were transmigrated here to use our past knowledge to influence this world. Though with age, we might eventually forget here we came from. But it's not like it's being taken from us. On the other hand, Shen Jiu's existence alone is what fits into this world. He's not being entrusted to do anything, the system just wants you Shen Jiu here as he is are."

"You're saying he can't be here and remember his past?"

"From what I can understand, I don't think it'll be completely wiped out in one moment of the other. What he'll likely experience, is a sped-up version of aging. Some days he might remember parts of his past, while others he might come to realize there's holes in what he remembers. Eventually though, it'll be mostly stripped from him. He'll have a hazy recollection of events that make up his past, but he'll mostly remember his time from here onwards with clarity instead."

Liu Qingge had one hand resting on Shen Jiu's knee and he felt himself holding him tighter as he asked, "Is there anything that can be done?"

"When I started to assume the origins of this Shen Jiu. From memory, I tried to write out the entire plot of my original one shot. Given Shen Jiu's come to remember his past in its entirety, we can add anything we need to this copy and allow Shen Jiu to read over it whenever he feels like he's forgetting something. It won't be a memory anymore, not exactly, but he won't forget."

Though he'd allowed himself to listen this entire time. Shen Jiu had been spending most of his time stuck in his own head, thinking things over. The rain outside was loud as it continued to fall. Lighting was dim outside and lights had been turned on inside to illuminate the space. It was a fairly miserable day. Gloomy and fairly depressing in this kind of weather.

Shen Jiu couldn't move passed his own thoughts. Working his way through them with a look of concentration. Almost matching him completely, while Shen Yuan had also been listening along with half an ear, he'd also been thinking about things on his own. Now his attention was mostly on Shen Jiu. They were sitting across from each other, and he'd been wanting to say something to him but was holding himself back.

"Liu-Shidi?" It was a different way of addressing him, one he should be more used to but felt shockingly unfamiliar in that moment so Liu Qingge knew which of the man to turn to, "Can you do me a favour and get these two out of their wet clothes. We've all been sitting here because there were urgent matters to attend to, but I think now is a good time to warm them both up."

Not catching on too quickly, Liu Qingge asked, "What about you?"

"Hm, me?" Shen Yuan said it like he didn't know why Liu Qingge would ask, "I'll sit here with Shen Jiu."

Opening his mouth to say something, Liu Qingge was stopped by Shang Qinghua. Thankfully, Shang Qinghua seemed to catch on to the fact that Shen Yuan wanted to talk to Shen Jiu one on one. Though, he didn't want to highlight that fact and make him uncomfortable. It was a flimsy excuse, and Shang Qinghua really didn't want to get into different clothes around these men, but he sucked it up.

Dragging the other two men away, although they were only off in another room, gave them a small sense of privacy. Shen Jiu seemed to come out of his own head and watch as everyone was dragged away. There was a silence that fell over them once they were alone. It wasn't entirely uncomfortable though. It's just their first time meeting and now they're left sitting together by themselves.

"What's worrying you?"

Having let the silence linger just a little bit, Shen Yuan couldn't help but break it. He didn't want to leave Shen Jiu to this alone. More than anyone else, he could understand what Shen Jiu was going through. From what Shen Yuan could assume though, there were things he couldn't relate to as well, and could only hope to help with. But he still wanted to stretch out his hand and offer up his help.

Not expecting Shen Jiu's open honestly, Shen Yuan was surprised when Shen Jiu started talking, "I'm worried about what this means for my relationship with Liu-ge."

Cautiously, Shen Yuan asked, "Which one?"

"This one."

Following his line of sight as he stared in the direction Liu Qingge had been pulled away in, he kept the conversation going, "What's there to worry about? No matter what, he's going to support you through this. I know it must feel disorientating to be put in this reality, but you belong here now, Liu-Shidi wants you here with him and your relationship is important to him."

"I know he's been taking care of me, and that he'd continue to. That's just how kind and considerate he is."

With the way he was talking, Shen Yuan could sense a hesitation in his tone. As if he was holding something back, unsure of what it would mean to talk about it. The feelings Liu Qingge were creating in Shen Jiu were complicated. There was a lapse of silence once again as Shen Jiu collected himself. Shen Yuan was cautious, truly not wanting to push too far.

"How must it make him feel, though? They're the same person, technically, but the reason I latched onto him so easily was because subconsciously I trusted and believed in that other version of Liu Qingge. In my heart, I know that right now they exist separately for me, that what I feel for them developed in different circumstances. I just worry that it isn't enough. He took me in because I was dependent on him, over another man."

"So, you're worried that your feelings for Liu-Shidi formed because of the other?"

"Yes." Shen Jiu said with a sigh, "Can I confidently say that without that past Liu Qingge, that this would've all happened the same? Would I have clung to him and hid behind him, trusting in him completely? The Liu-ge I see in front of me is so important to me, but the guilt is eating me up inside. How can I deserve even a small bit of his kindness when it feels like I'm just taking advantage of him?"

Hitting his knuckles against the top of the table as he thought, Shen Yuan spoke to Shen Jiu softly, "Isn't it enough for you to just love him now?"

"Not without thinking that I'm being unfair to him. It's not just about how I feel about him, whether I love him or not. What worries me, is how Liu Qingge must feel about this. He must be reconsidering all he's done for me. He wouldn't go back on his word, I believe that he'd continue to care for me, but how can he trust that any of my feelings are genuine after this?"

Shen Yuan could see how complicated this all was for Shen Jiu. This wasn't something he was dealing with lightly. His heart ached over the thought of not being able to offer himself up completely to Liu Qingge. He'd been treated with such kindness, and he'd truly come to love Liu Qingge. Though what form that love took exactly, Shen Jiu hadn't been able to work through yet.

On top of how muddled he already was, this only made it worse. Now he was left to second guess himself. Eyebrows furrowed as he kept thinking it over in his own head. Desperate for a way to prove his feelings were real. But how could he do that, when even he, himself, had doubt. What of his feelings did he have the original Liu Qingge to thank for, and what belonged exclusively to his Liu-ge.

It didn't feel fair to him, to go into this half-hearted. Liu Qingge deserved more than to have Shen Jiu like this by his side. It made him truly miserable to think about. The idea of hurting Liu Qingge in any way. Honestly, the mere idea of his feelings harming Liu Qingge made Shen Jiu feel ill. Swirling around his head, all these thoughts of his had ended up at one point again and again.

"Maybe if I forgot about my past, I can prove my feelings are real. If I erase everything else, and start all over again, maybe then I can feel less like a monster."

Although he wasn't crying, tears collected at his lashes. Not yet falling down but making his eyes shine with a layer of wetness. He made for quite the miserable sight, his face looked torn between misery and hope. It's not like Shen Yuan hadn't worried about his own relationship with Binghe. What it meant that he'd lived part of his life, for as long as Binghe's known him, under the guise of being Shen Qingqiu.

How, it'd troubled him that perhaps Binghe wouldn't want him otherwise. Warring with himself over whether or not he should tell Binghe the truth. But he just couldn't live with the fact that hiding everything away only protected himself. He'd decided to be honest with Binghe, and it'd done wonders for them both. Who Binghe loved, in this world, was none other than Shen Yuan himself.

It wasn't just the body he was in or the past they'd shared, even before Shen Yuan took over. Binghe had always had a love for Shen Qingqiu, but what that love turned into, came from Shen Yuan entering into Shen Jiu's body. Their circumstances aren't simple, and perhaps this wouldn't work out so smoothly for regular couples. But it was truly just the fact that they loved each other so much, they could work through anything.

"You're so young and yet you have so many worries." Shen Yuan lamented, seeing the poor boy sitting across from him.

As he wiped the boy's tears away, it made Shen Yuan think about the original Shen Jiu of this novel. How he hadn't had the chance to be loved like this. How it had even affected the author so deeply, that he'd had to write out a little story, just to patch up a few things. Perhaps it's something about being born intertwined with Shen Jiu, that makes one so eager to pile things up on themselves and carry such heavy weights.

"Look, I'm sure Liu-Shidi has worries like this of his own. Yet, you're not judging him for any of his complicated feelings."

"Well that's because-," Sniffling, Shen Jiu went to easily excuse and explain away things from Liu Qingge's end.

Cutting him off with a pointed look, "I understand things aren't so plain and simple. Just, don't beat yourself up about this, okay? Talk to Liu-Shidi and make sure you actually listen to him. Don't make your mind up all on your own and try to shoulder everything. In the end, things might work out better than you think, and they might even be simpler than you imagine."

Their conversation died down as Shang Qinghua and Binghe returned in clean, dry clothes. Liu Qingge hadn't given them any sort of special treatment, they'd been cleaned and dried as simply as possible. Though Binghe and Liu Qingge felt like they were on reasonably better terms now, it didn't stop them from squabbling with each other the entire time, much to Shang Qinghua's dismay.

When the two men returned, Shen Yuan left to go get himself sorted out as well. Liu Qingge hadn't returned yet, and Binghe went over to the kitchen to start preparing a light meal with Liu Qingge's ingredients. Left unoccupied, Shang Qinghua returned to the table to speak with Shen Jiu. He didn't go straight in and bring up the previous topic of forgetting his memories straight away, starting elsewhere.

In the more secluded area of the house. Clearly having anticipated Shen Yuan's appearance, Liu Qingge had actually heated a bath for him. It was already ready by the time Shen Yuan made it back there. Liu Qingge was sitting precariously on the edge of the bath, eyes focused on a far wall. His gaze didn't stray a single time, and they sat almost back to back with one in the bath and one outside of it.

"He's very sensitive, you need to take good care of him."

"I can't help but think I'm making things worse for him."

Because they weren't facing each other, Shen Yuan could easily make a face and go unnoticed. He couldn't help but let out a silent, almost exasperated laugh. These two were more alike than they could imagine, so gloomy over their worries. Always thinking about the other and rarely about themselves. Shen Yuan happily absorbed the hot water's warmth into his chilled skin while he waited.

Starting to speak again, Liu Qingge's voice was oddly gentle, "Falling in love was something I thought would never happen to me."

Letting out a scoff, the man in the bath asked, "You think you're that unlovable?"

"It's not that, well, not exactly." He seemed to hesitate for a moment before continuing, "My parents weren't good people, they didn't love each other, and they didn't love their kids. It's nothing compared to what others went through but it, affected me. As humiliating as it is to admit. I took my sister away from it all as soon as I could, and the longer I've been away the less control they've seemingly had on me."

"Oh, I didn't know about your parents. Sorry, I never even thought to ask."

With so many people losing their parents or being forced to raise themselves from an early age, Liu Qingge stood out as an anomaly, "Don't worry about something like that, I wouldn't have told you anything about them up until recently, anyway. I came out of that house, a difficult person. When I came to Cang Qiong Mountain to be a disciple, I was naive and defensive."

Liu Qingge hadn't felt like his parents effected him all that much until he was mature enough to reflect on his past. Something he hadn't been able to come to terms with very well, had been how he felt about Shen Jiu. Liu Qingge lightly touched on those feelings as he spoke with Shen Yuan. It was weird talking about him as a third person now, knowing he isn't the same man as the one behind him.

Their relationship had been complicated, basically doomed from the beginning. They hadn't been allowed to exist peacefully in a timeline where they both got the live at the same time. Liu Qingge could remember moments where they depended on each other and worked together. Of course, it was largely clouded behind moments where they didn't see eye to eye or outright fought against each other.

But they'd been two broken kids. Unsure of the world, having left behind an environment of pain. Personalities prickly and defensive, not wanting to be hurt any further and cautious of someone who seemed too different from themselves no matter how many similarities they showed each other. Perhaps they had actually noticed the similarities, and that had scared them as well.

"I never thought I would have a chance with him. Whether I had realized my budding feelings or not back then. I just didn't believe things would ever work out well for me. It's hard to explain, I'm sure someone like you who attracts everyone to your side might not understand what it feels like to only attract doomed relationships to you."

Unable to ever live alongside that original Shen Jiu long enough to mend their relationship. Incapable of securing a position at Shen Yuan's side, as that place was reserved for Luo Binghe alone. His parents had long since shattered their relationship, and Liu Qingge always feared his sister being fed up with him one day. Though he'd latched onto Yue Qingyuan, they'd never developed a particularly strong bond when Shen Jiu was his main focus.

None of the other Peak Lords were all that attached to him. Only now had he picked up Yang Yixuan as his disciple, the first person to seemingly choose to stay by his side. Even then, it'd always felt tentative. Like he was watching the sand fall through the glass, counting down until the end. When he'd inevitably leave, because he just wasn't someone people stuck by.

"Growing up with those thoughts, perhaps I got desperate." Liu Qingge's hands were resting on his lap as he spoke, "I didn't think much of it at first, when he'd first arrived. When I saw how he clung to me, attached himself to me, detested being separate from me. What if I just let it all get to my head? What if I'm taking advantage of his dependency, to finally experience the attachment I've always lacked."

"You're worried you don't love him, but the idea of him?"

Shen Yuan didn't think he'd ever plaid therapist so much in his life. Usually, all his emotional intelligence went into helping Binghe work through things. He hadn't expected to be relied on so heavily by these two silly boys. He couldn't help but sigh, a small smile creeping onto his face afterwards. If nothing else, he's glad they aren't treating this lightly, they've really given these feelings some thought.

"How many versions of Shen Jiu have I felt love for? What if I'm just, confusing things and deluding myself, to justify trying to fix what's wrong with me."

"Though I really think the two of you should be talking to each other about this, I'll just say this. You aren't broken, whether or not you find romantic love in this lifetime. It isn't for everyone. Even if neither of you experienced romantic love for this other, you don't have to justify that in order to be together and spend the rest of your lives together. I think you're too caught up in the big picture."

"What do you mean?"

Thinking about it, Shen Yuan supposed, "You're focused on whether or not you can prove what you feel is romantic love. Having that entanglement bring you together and define your relationship. How about you just start simpler? You guys don't have to struggle to piece together what happened to Shen Jiu anymore, you don't have some imagined deadline to work towards. Now you can take it slow, get to know each other, focus on being friends."

"And if he doesn't want to wait for me to figure it all out?"

"You think he doesn't have his own things to figure out? You both need to give yourselves some grace, seriously. The both of you worry me to no end." Shen Yuan was mumbling to himself by the end of it, tilting his head back to look at the man sitting behind him.

Although they were doing their best to express themselves. It truly was messy for both of them, their worries and fears clouded their judgement. Concerns about what their love meant, and if the other was suffering as a result of their confusion or indecisiveness. Shen Yuan put emphasis on the fact that they needed to talk. Take things slow, be kind and understanding to themselves and each other.

Explaining that they didn't have to rush to have their first kiss or anything. Shen Yuan could reflect back to the rush that brought about his and Binghe's first time being intimate. Afterwards, they still took it slow and got familiar with each other. It'd been out of their hands; the system had messily brought them together due to unusual and uncomfortable circumstance.

Similarly, but not exactly, the two of them had been thrown together in an unfortunate way. Now, they had to figure themselves out and reach out to each other. To make this work, they had to be honest and understanding. Things didn't have to be perfect to justify them being with each other. Their lives in this world were far too complicated to cast something aside after some difficulty.

The room was quiet for some time and Shen Yuan had finally left the bath to get dressed when he heard Liu Qingge's quiet, cautious voice asking, "Does it bother you, that I love a version of yourself?"

It had been unspoken but fairly obvious that Liu Qingge had felt something for Shen Qingqiu. Though, he'd never properly figured it out himself, he'd still felt something for Shen Yuan in the end. Liu Qingge worried that it might make Shen Yuan feel weird or uncomfortable, like Liu Qingge is using Shen Jiu as a replacement for Shen Yuan and putting that right in his face.

"Do you see Shen Jiu as a different person?"

Though they share the same face, just changed by age. Their personalities didn't align at all, Shen Yuan influenced how this version of Shen Qingqiu was perceived and the differences in this Shen Jiu's past made how he was perceived, different. Although the name and the appearance could make them hard to differentiate, Liu Qingge didn't believe for a second that he could mix them up.

"Of course." Liu Qingge said without hesitation, and it was the truth.

He could consider their similarities and worry about different things. But Shen Jiu was his own person, even the way he addressed Liu Qingge was different to how Shen Yuan did. When Liu Qingge looked at Shen Jiu, he didn't feel like he was looking at Shen Yuan. There wasn't even a hint of Shen Yuan in there. The difference was all but too noticeable for Liu Qingge, and he liked how Shen Jiu was.

"Then what do you have to worry about then, silly? You're not bothering me, I'm completely unrelated, so don't worry about my feelings on the matter. But, if you must know, I'm really happy for you. However this turns out for you, I can see that you care for him a great deal. I hope you continue to care for him, because he deserves to experience that gentleness and love."

Eventually, they returned back out to the main room. Shang Qinghua had basically spent the entire time trying to lighten Shen Jiu's mood, telling him stories and creating the most vivid tales to coax Shen Jiu out of his shell. Binghe had finished preparing all the food and the table was covered in side dishes and delicious smelling main meals.

When Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge's eyes met, it was with a hint of shyness. However, thankfully, they didn't seem to have looming dark clouds over their heads any longer. They sat down side by side again. Outside, the sky began to clear up again and the rain stopped beating down so heavily. Birds could be heard in the silence that fell after the rain, the noises creating a comforting atmosphere around them.

It truly sunk in for Liu Qingge but especially for Shen Jiu as well, that they weren't alone. They didn't have to just rely on themselves. Surrounding them, were people who cared about them and worried. People who were eager to help and lend advice. They weren't alone anymore, shouldering everything by themselves just wasn't feasible. It made them feel lighter, like things didn't feel so bleak anymore.

Binghe begrudgingly handed something over to Liu Qingge when Shen Yuan asked him to. Shang Qinghua watched on with a look of fondness. Shen Jiu continued to eat through the food being piled up in his bowl by Liu Qingge, who wanted him to have as much as he wanted of the things he liked. There were still things that required their attention and things to sort out, but for the moment, they allowed themselves to sit around and take a moment for themselves.

Chapter Text

Months passed and Shen Jiu found himself to be nearing twenty years old. They couldn't be so sure exactly, it wasn't like he'd had anyone caring for him since he was born, letting him know when his birthday was or how old he'd become. The rainy months had died down, and each day no longer saw rain pouring from the heavens. Months had passed since he first met with Shen Yuan.

A version of himself that was in parts both similar and different to himself. Each day saw the sun coming out warmer and warmer, it's light casting rays against the ground. No longer soaked through with water, walking around was no longer as messy and muddy as before. Liu Qingge had decided that this was a good time to assign as a birth month for Shen Jiu.

With Shen Yuan around, Shen Jiu was able to navigate things a bit easier than he'd expected. From what he'd heard, it wasn't like Shen Yuan to stick around for very long after his visits. Thankfully though, things were different this time. While Shen Jiu doesn't know exactly what they communicated between themselves, Shen Qingqiu and Binghe had clearly come to an understanding.

It'd been something Shen Yuan worried himself over. Usually, they made their leave fairly quickly after arriving on Cang Qiong Mountain. It's a difficult thing to have to navigate, but he respected Binghe and his comforts. Leaving became easier and easier each time. Seeing where everyone had arrived to in their lives, and the unique points they'd reached in their lives.

Witnessing that, with each visit, made Shen Yuan feel more comfortable in leaving. The only one he'd really worried over, was Liu Qingge. He'd watched the man mature and blossom into such a reliable man. The difference and development was staggering, and he'd done it all on his own. Become his own person. Even though a part of him depended on Shen Yuan, he'd learnt to live alone as well.

But something truly settled in Shen Yuan when he saw Liu Qingge with Shen Jiu. It brought him a sense of comfort, seeing them together just made sense. After hearing the story of what Shen Jiu had been through, Shen Yuan just didn't think a few short days was enough. Wanted to give him more time, to stand by him and advise him as best he could.

Shen Yuan hadn't held out much hope though. Silently worrying about when they'd next leave, until he found Binghe staring at him in a peculiar way. Binghe didn't love having to stay on Cang Qiong Mountain, but his voice was soft as he told Shen Yuan that they could stay. Shen Yuan felt responsible for Shen Jiu and Binghe saw that. Enduring his stay on Qing Jing Peak.

Truthfully, it wasn't all bad. They weren't approached by any of the peak lords, all those greetings and exchanges happened during their first week of staying there. A whole flood of questions had been asked at that time. Shen Yuan had stood in front of them all and explained things in detail. There was shock, confusion and varying degrees of guilt.

Seemingly as a result though, they'd been given space. Something Binghe had been quietly thankful for, though he'd never thank any of them for it directly. Shen Yuan made sure to reassure and reaffirm Binghe as regularly as possible. He was thankful for all Binghe was willing to do for him. Binghe definitely got something out of this current arrangement, and Shen Yuan's desire to please Binghe.

With Shen Yuan able to stay on Cang Qiong Mountain. It meant that Shen Jiu had someone around to talk to about things that made him uncertain or worried. There was a lot he could approach Liu Qingge with, but some things he felt like he couldn't. Having Shen Yuan there with him was a blessing, and he'd made sure to privately thank Binghe for staying nearby.

"Ow."

At that noise, Shen Yuan cast his gaze down at the boy sitting on the ground. He was supporting himself with his arms behind him, leaning back with his head hanging down. The slow rise and fall of his chest continued as he settled himself down. His endurance and abilities had improved with incredible speed under Shen Yuan's hand but that didn't mean he was invulnerable.

"You don't have to push yourself too hard, you're still learning." Shen Yuan spoke and felt like he was reminding Shen Jiu of this for no less than the millionth time.

Taking in one deep breath, Shen Jiu finally got up off the ground and dusted himself off. Shaking his head like he wasn't taking Shen Yuan's words to heart, he picked up the sword he'd cast aside when he'd dropped to the ground. It was clear that he was worn down, streaks of blood and other substances streaked his skin and the pair of clothes on his body.

"How am I meant to prove myself to be capable if I can't even do this much?"

Tucking his hands into his sleeves, Shen Yuan reminded, "You don't need to prove yourself to anyone."

Seeing the look on Shen Jiu's face in response, Shen Yuan freed his hands to hold them up in a look of surrender. He knows Shen Jiu isn't really angry, at least not at Shen Yuan. The standards he's been holding himself to have been running him ragged. Around them were the remains of a number of different monsters, strewn about on the ground after Shen Jiu had swiftly dealt with them.

Frustrated with himself, Shen Jiu felt exhaustion hit him and grit his teeth against it. There was a decade of experience between Liu Qingge and Shen Jiu, on top of that, Liu Qingge had been raised with the belief that he'd become a cultivator, he'd had a head start on top of the decade of difference between them. Wanting to prove that he could stand on his own, and be seen as a dependable grown man, he'd thrown himself into missions.

Had Liu Qingge joined these missions. He likely wouldn't have even let Shen Jiu catch a whiff of danger, all enemies no matter how minor or insignificant, probably would've been swiftly dealt with under Liu Qingge's sword. This meant he hadn't allowed Liu Qingge to accompany him. Even if he pouted about not having Liu Qingge there with him non-stop as a result.

Instead, Shen Yuan joined him in Liu Qingge's place. Standing off to the side so as to not interfere unless the situation seriously called for it. Shen Yuan had stood and watched Shen Jiu prove his capabilities again and again. Though, nothing ever seemed to be enough for him. His confidence seemed all but nonexistent, even in the face of impressive feats.

Given Shen Jiu had only been undergoing training for a short while, he'd done more with his time than many young disciples did with theirs. Many of them believed that things would come in time. When they matured, so would their skills and abilities. However, Shen Jiu wasn't eager to sit by and wait for time to benefit him. He wanted to grab onto things now and become as capable as possible.

"Listen-," Shen Yuan had started to say something when his attention was diverted.

Moving to catch Shen Jiu before he collapsed, he managed to help him sit back down on the ground. Slumped more so on Shen Yuan, unable to keep himself up with his limbs feeling unsteady and powerless. Once again, his sword fell from his grip as he could no longer hold it in his hand. There was a look of frustration on Shen Jiu's face, but also of begrudging resignation.

"Okay." Seeing the situation as it was, Shen Yuan got them comfortable before he started speaking, "When I transmigrated, I was so worried about how I was going to be able to stand alongside the other people in this story. Though I had the foundations of the body I transmigrated into, I still had to become familiar with everything and develop my own capabilities."

"Hm."

Taking that noise as a sign that he was listening, he didn't hesitate to keep speaking, "Thankfully though, I had other people around me who helped me out. I can't tell you how many times I've been saved by Liu-Shidi, Zhangmen-Shixiong or even my own disciple. There are other people who leant me a hand, people who showed me kindness both. I wouldn't have made it this far without everyone's help."

"You're different though."

"Different?"

With a frown, Shen Jiu explained, "They see you as an equal. Even if your abilities differ or someone's stronger than someone else, they still see you as being someone who can stand next to them. I don't have that, I don't even look like you yet. It'll take my years to even become a shadow of who you are. I'm scared of being left behind or cast aside as an equal, I couldn't take it if I was never able to stand next to Liu-ge."

They'd worked through some of Shen Jiu's insecurities. Shen Yuan had found out about the comparisons that Shen Jiu had endured listening to, and had gone around and scolded everyone. Yang Yixuan had cried when he realized how awful he'd come across. They hadn't been able to separate him from Shen Jiu, clinging to his waist as he sobbed out apologies and begged for forgiveness.

Shen Jiu hadn't held it against Yang Yixuan. He's a child who idolized Shen Qingqiu, but Shen Qingqiu was elusive and not often around. Yang Yixuan had finally had a version of the man he idolized around and had gotten so comfortable he became mindless as a result. Stomaching all his own worries, he'd patted Yang Yixuan on the head and reassured him until he stopped crying, he'd worked himself up so much he made himself sick.

But it wasn't even the words of others that ate away at him. They'd bothered him at first and then died out under Shen Yuan's direction. Yet, it wasn't like he didn't see things himself. Shen Yuan was incredible, and despite their bodies having similar origins, he was able to gain such strength and resilience. Shen Jiu could feel the difference between them as stark and obvious as could be.

Many things were the same between them. The way they blushed was the same, the same of their eyes and the curve of their lips matched just as well. Even though they spoke with slight differences, sometimes it was hard to distinguish who out of the two of them had spoken. The way they looked after the person they cared for, and the gentle way they treated them was instinctual.

Because of this though, Shen Jiu had to face the ways in which they were different. When Shen Jiu had asked to take on missions, they'd looked to Liu Qingge as if they were waiting for his okay. When Shen Yuan took Shen Jiu up on his request to join him, everyone readily accepted it and understood the necessity of having him close by for the missions.

Shen Yuan's sense for things was incredible. In advance, he could alert Shen Jiu to an approaching monster and Shen Jiu would only be able to react in time because of Shen Yuan's forewarning. He was personable enough to be able to communicate with anyone they came across and he was always the person people's eyes went to first. Even if Shen Jiu had picked up the mission, it was like he was an accompanying disciple.

On Cang Qiong Mountain, who was known to be formidable and capable. A man who stood above all, powerful and dutiful. Liu Qingge was someone that other cultivators faced off against to try better themselves, and to see where they stood in comparison. He'd matured and was capable of communicating with people better than before, he was reliable and dependable.

How could he expect Liu Qingge to take him seriously, if he lagged so far behind. Curling up in on himself, Shen Jiu couldn't help but get upset as he thought through all of this again. It was something he regularly did, reminding himself of how much he lacked. In order to truly sort through their feelings, Shen Jiu wanted to be a man Liu Qingge could like, not just pity and care for.

Although Shen Yuan and Binghe both doted on each other, they also knew how capable the other was. They were able to defend each other and do all they could for one another. Shen Jiu wanted that. More than anything, Shen Jiu wanted Liu Qingge to look at him and see a partner. If he didn't improve, he felt like he'd stand beside Yang Yixuan and just be seen as another Bai Zhan Peak disciple under Liu Qingge's tutelage.

"You two are so alike." He couldn't help but say in a mix of awe and pain, "Your Liu-ge tried to push himself in the past and face everything alone. No matter how strong and capable he already was, the desire to improve himself drove him to cultivate in isolation. Do you know what happened to him?"

"What?" Shen Jiu's voice was quiet, but he was listening.

"Originally, he died. The original Shen Jiu didn't know what he was walking into, and wasn't able to save Liu-Shidi's life. When I was able to revisit the scene upon transmigrating into this world, advice given to me was able to help me handle the situation. Isolated and desperate, your Liu-ge did not prosper. It harmed him more than it ever did him any good. I'm not trying to scare you; I just want you to consider that even he would be worrying about you pushing yourself."

"But doesn't he value strength?"

Squeezing him around the waist, Shen Yuan couldn't help but laugh gently, "As long as Liu-Shidi knows your genuine, he'll put his life on the line for you. He gained strength because he wanted to be depended on. Of course he wants people to be strong and not frivolous, his peak is for training warriors and I understand what you're thinking. It's because he wants people to survive that he wants them to be focused and strong."

Looking at the doubtful look on Shen Jiu's face, Shen Yuan explained himself further, "Look, I understand your hesitation. Bai Zhan Peak is full of some characters, it can be hard to see them as anything other than hardheaded, fighting obsessed fanatics. It's just that Liu Qingge didn't know how to communicate his concerns properly at first, you should know by now how he truly feels."

"I know." Shen Jiu's voice was as soft as a sigh.

Really, how could Shen Jiu not see it when they're his favourite features on Liu Qingge. His care and his love for other people, how harshly he mourns the death of those who don't make it and the passion he has for fighting fair. Keeping people alive and working together as a unit. Liu Qingge has only grown more transparent and obvious as he's gotten older and more mature.

Perhaps Shen Jiu couldn't help but get caught up in similar early ideals as Liu Qingge. Wanting to prove to Liu Qingge that he can survive on his own so Liu Qingge doesn't have to worry over him. Concerned that if Liu Qingge has to lend a hand, that he'll see him as just someone to protect and not someone he can stand alongside as an equal, as a partner.

Having so much going on makes these things difficult to sort through. His sensible brain and the truth he knows are hard to juggle alongside doubt, insecurity and feeling unmoored. He's been feeling his memories beginning to slip through his grasp one by one, not quite disappearing but in a sense, blurring over and become hard to define and recall.

Shen Jiu's utterly worried about losing his sense of self. Becoming someone undesirable, lacking any personality. He's worried that the version of himself that he created to be loved by Liu Qingge, would disappear. Growing up alongside Liu Qingge, he'd wanted to show him the best sides of himself as best he could. He'd never quite let go of that side of himself, even as he forgot that previous Liu Qingge.

But truthfully, Liu Qingge had never hesitated to accept all of him. Caring for him when he's smiling and able to help out around the house and caring for him when he's riddled with nightmares and in a daze. It's hard for Shen Jiu to stomach the idea of being loved unconditionally. He can hardly believe it, so he's fearful of it disappearing one day.

Maybe that previous Liu Qingge still would've loved him if he saw the worst sides of Shen Jiu too. Now, he'll never know though. He'd known a Shen Jiu who put on a brave face, even though Liu Qingge knew what he was going through, he'd seen Shen Jiu as someone who could endure it all, he just hadn't wanted him to have to. Shen Jiu had shown this Liu Qingge that he couldn't endure it all alone, and yet Liu Qingge was still there with him.

With a groan, Shen Jiu sat himself up and apologized, "Sorry for making you deal with all of this, I'm sure there are things you'd rather be doing."

"I get to feel like your capable Yuan-ge. If nothing else, you're doing me a favour, so don't worry about it. How about you let me handle all the loose ends for this mission and we'll get you back home, how's that sound?"

Many days continued on much like that. Moving forward and backwards in part. Shen Yuan was effectively trying to develop Shen Jiu's sense of self, before leaving him. Having forgotten many of his more modern memories, Shen Yuan understood what it felt like to lose part of your identity. He'd basically entirely become Shen Qingqiu, with so little of his original self as Shen Yuan remaining in his memories.

As a result of that though, he understood that he needed to be gentle and patient with Shen Jiu. Reminding him that if he ever needed to, he could read through Shang Qinghua's rewritten works to piece together the version of himself that once existed. Eventually though, Shen Jiu resolutely declined. Having made peace with himself, in becoming a new person.

It's difficult to explain, and only something Shen Yuan understands after going through something similar. How you can still be the person you were but so changed into a new version of yourself. There's a disorientating disconnect, but also a comfort in being able to be loved and accepted as the new version of yourself. They'd created a support system for Shen Jiu, and things became more reliable and steadier.

Though he hadn't gotten involved much to begin with, Binghe had become incredibly fond of Shen Jiu. When Shen Yuan wasn't around, he'd even given him some advice of his own. The two could be found giggling about something in their own little world. Eventually, Shen Yuan and Binghe departed from Cang Qiong Mountain to return to how they'd been living previously.

A week after they'd gone, Shen Jiu went out on his first and only solo mission, returning with the head of an impressively powerful monster and saying to Liu Qingge, "This is for you."

Calming himself down and taking a step back, Shen Jiu had revaluated things with a clearer head. He'd lessened the pressure on himself and just focused on making the best version of himself a reality. In proving this, he was able to defeat a strong monster all by himself and return back to Bai Zhan Peak that day with its head. A clear indicator of his capability, but that's where it ended.

Liu Qingge knew he had his strength, but Shen Jiu understood that, that wasn't the most important thing. Letting Liu Qingge care for him wasn't something bad, it was actually a blessing. To be cared for to such a degree, that Liu Qingge wanted him to be safe and cared for. Shockingly, perhaps to someone, when they'd go out on any mission together, they were able to find their balance between protecting each other and defeating an enemy.

All they'd needed was time, and space to grow as individuals before coming back together. It felt like one moment to the next, in no time at all, their relationship had progressed, they prioritized communication and openness. Such a natural progression could also be seen in the way that they went from having two beds, to Shen Jiu having his own spot in Liu Qingge's bed.

That was entirely unspoken. But it'd felt so natural, that either of them had questioned it at all. One day, Liu Qingge had simply opened his eyes and seen the early morning rays of sunlight streaming into the room. It was a chillier morning, and they were pressed up against each other. Shen Jiu curled up underneath Liu Qingge's chin like he was trying to leach all the warmth from Liu Qingge's chest.

Kissing the top of Shen Jiu's head as he greeted him with a good morning. Only then did Liu Qingge seem to realize that at some point, they'd gotten this far into their relationship. It didn't alarm him like he thought it might. Truly, it felt as natural as anything. Shen Jiu woke up for a moment, mumbled out a greeting that Liu Qingge could feel more than he could hear.

Only to fall back asleep. Eyes closing and Shen Jiu settling back in util he was comfortable again, fast asleep. After coming to this realization and slightly panicking about it to Qi Qingqi who'd just laughed and told him to go for it. Only then did Liu Qingge make the two of them a nice meal and ask Shen Jiu if he'd be willing to be partners.

Chopsticks raised to his lips; Shen Jiu took a moment to sit and stare. Blinking as if he was trying to process it all before splitting into the widest grin imaginable with not a care in the world for the food he spilt, dropping his chopsticks. Launching himself over to Liu Qingge, Shen Jiu kept asking if he was being serious, if he was sure about wanting to be with him.

To the both of them, being partners wasn't about rushing to make out or have sex. Neither felt an inclination or eagerness for either, even if it was something they wanted to explore further down the line. For Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge, it was about coming together and seeing each other as one half of a whole. They couldn't be separated from each other; they were tying each other to one another.

Eager and excitable as he was, Shen Jiu managed to knock the pair of them onto the floor. Hugged against his chest, Liu Qingge could feel the rapid heartbeat, beating away in Shen Jiu's chest. Liu Qingge had never imagined someone would have this big of a reaction towards him. He'd watched Shen Jiu struggle with losing his memories of his past life, and the person he was becoming.

Thankfully, as he'd watched by Shen Jiu's side, Liu Qingge had seen Shen Jiu's fondness for him only grow, not disappear. It truly seemed that no matter what, Shen Jiu had a fondness for Liu Qingge. In this life, they wouldn't be separated. They'd finally been able to come together and love one another. Liu Qingge had supported Shen Jiu through everything the entire time and had been there for him through it all.

After all they'd had to endure in every lifetime. Finally, they'd been given grace. A chance to actually experience happiness together. Though it'd taken a lot, they deserved it more than anything. To wake up in the morning, sharing warmth and safety. Security built up around the two of them. Their hearts seemed to beat in sync. It was fate that brought them together, but they'd made themselves into what they'd become.

Standing at the now open doorway, Yang Yixuan stood there with a cheeky smile, "Jiu-ge you promised to come down the mountain with me. You're going to crush my Shizun at this rate, and then who'll we buy the present for?"

"We can share it between the two of us, I'm sure Liu-ge wouldn't mind."

Crushed underneath Shen Jiu, Liu Qingge thought that he would say he wouldn't mind if he had any air left in his lungs. His Shen Jiu was so strong, stronger than he even realized himself to be. Finally, Shen Jiu let up with a laugh and helped Liu Qingge off the floor. Breakfast was finished completely, and even though such a big moment had occurred, Liu Qingge had let Shen Jiu stumbled away with Yang Yixuan.

The two of them walked away with their heads bent. Discussing things amongst themselves, looking back once and waving exaggeratingly at Liu Qingge before hurrying themselves along. It wasn't like the road ahead of them would be without bumps or instances. They'd just promised that they'd be together, to endure it by each other's side as partners.

Liu Qingge was thankful to have been allowed to live this long. To have the chance to experience something so beautiful and fresh. A blossoming, blooming relationship that was his. He stood there even after the pair had disappeared from sight, simply taking in the warming morning air. The sun was rising higher in the sky and only the lightest breeze blew through the trees.

"How'd I get so lucky?" Liu Qingge couldn't help but murmur to himself, finally heading inside and closing the front door behind himself.