Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sometimes, you’re willing to admit it. You’re willing to admit that shameful thing, that you know how to take advantage of a kind heart. You think you have a kind heart, yourself. Maybe that’s why you know what hurts, but the only reason you can ever bring herself to hurt is because in reality? Maybe you aren’t actually the saint you wish you are.

You have a husband. He’s a loving, wonderful husband that only ever cares for you in the purest way possible. You love him, too. At least, you’re pretty sure you do. But to you, love is but a flower in a garden, grown only ever so slightly after years and years of cultivation. If that’s what love is, you’re starting to get fucking sick of it.

Then one day, you stay out a little later than expected, because you know he loves you to death. You know he trusts you. You know he will not question an occasional outlier. Isn’t that nice?

“Thanks for agreeing to come here with me.” Barbara chuckles softly, arm in arm with who has grown to be her best friend, a vine around her arm that she allows to grow.

”No problem. Didn’t have much to do,” she shrugs. “Wouldn’t want you getting lonely, would I?”

Barbara nods kind of hesitantly, heavily.

As far as she’s aware, it’s a bar Melissa has gone to numerous times, to the point where she probably knows everyone and everything within its boundaries. She assumes it’ll be mostly fun for her to explore it.

”Hey, Dan!” Melissa calls out immediately as she walks in through the doors. “How’s the wife?”

Dan tips his baseball cap good-naturedly. “Wonderful as always. The usual for you?”

The usual, Barbara scoffs under her breath. Melissa has a usual?

”What’s your usual?” Barbara asks dumbly in the middle of the bar.

Melissa turns her head to Barbara, despite the bustling crowd of greetings towards her. “Whiskey, neat. And some fries on the side.”

”Sounds…heavy.” She clears her throat. “The food, I mean—“

”Relax, I know what you mean. You don’t have to get the same thing as me, you know. You ever even drunk alcohol?”

Barbara puffs out her chest. “Of course I do. Frequently.”

”Alright.” Melissa laughs and pats her back. “Alcoholic.”

Truthfully, she hardly drinks. Aside from the occasional glass of wine she has with her dinner, she sees alcohol as an unnecessary endeavor. But then again, many enjoyments in her life are unnecessary.

”I’ll take…” She hesitates, eyes darting around the bar to see what everyone else is drinking. Not a sweet, tidy cocktail in sight! “A beer.”

”What kind?”

”Just…beer.”

”Sure.” Melissa chuckles again. Frankly, it’s embarrassing. She feels she doesn’t know about alcohol to venture so boldly into a bar like this. “On me. I’ll meet you anywhere you want to sit at?”

She nods and stiffly walks to the back of the bar, to an empty seat oddly close to the bathroom. How miserable.

She taps on the table silently as she waits for Melissa to come back, shy and gentle. There is a jukebox in the corner opposite of her. She vaguely wishes she sat closer to that, instead.

”Why this spot?” Melissa walks over, having ordered for them. A waitress will probably bring it over in a few short minutes.

”Just went wherever a table was.” Barbara mumbles under her breath.

”Well, look at you. Taking initiative. I must’ve asked you to come here with me a million times before.”

Twice, only twice, Barbara remembers. She stopped asking after the second time out of respect. It’s probably a small percentage of why they’re such good friends.

”Twice.”

”Okay, fine. Two million.” She grins goofily.

Barbara doesn’t laugh at the joke, and Melissa frowns.

”Either I’m totally not funny anymore, or something’s very deeply wrong with you, Barb.”

Barbara sighs, asking to be prodded open.

”Tell me what’s wrong.” She finally says.

”I’m…bored.” She says, a poor materialization of what she feels. Yet, more words bloom.

”Of what? Of work?” Melissa asks, concern flooding her voice.

”No, of Gerald.” The words flow out heavy from her tongue. “I feel like we’re wasting our lives, being with each other.”

Melissa never once in her life thought she would hear Barbara say she was tired of her wonderful, wonderful husband.

”Don’t you love him?”

”I guess.” She shrugs. “But it’s a boring kind of love and I don’t feel much looking at him. I guess I love him, but I don’t like him.”

”Oh.” Melissa blinks. “Wow, Barb, that’s…” She trails off, unsure how to respond. Does she tell her to leave?

”I didn’t tell him I’d be out late today.” She bites her bottom lip. “I just want to feel a rush of something. Would alcohol do the trick?”

Melissa stares at the pretty waitress heading to the table. She’s never seen that particular one before.

”Yeah, I think it should.”

Barbara enjoys the satisfying thud of glasses hitting the table. Perhaps this is why people enjoy the bar so much?

”You and Gerald—“ Melissa takes a swig of whiskey. “You’ve been married for like—a million years. How come it took you this long to get to this realization?”

She doesn’t mean to sound offensive, she really doesn’t.

”Well, how long did it take for you to realize it with Joe?” Barbara asks, voice sharp and cutting.

There it is. Melissa doesn’t take any offense at all.

”Knew before I even married him.” She says matter-of-factly. “Don’t ask me why I did it, I wouldn’t know anymore.”

Barbara sighs. “I’m not like you like that. I can’t just divorce the guy. He’s a sweet man, and the church would feel quite disdained if I left him for such a trivial thing.”

”What?” Melissa snorts and slouches against her seat, legs crossed comfortably. “You think people approved of me divorcing Joe? C’mon, use your little brain.”

”It’s just different.” Barbara sighs. “I do not want to waste our time, but I don’t want to spend my time suffering here.”

Melissa almost asks who our is.

”Well,” She clears her throat. “I think whatever happens you should go for it. No point in someone being so unhappy.”

Barbara’s hand traces the rim of her glass, still untouched. “How did it feel for you? Was it really so freeing?”

Melissa wonders why she so wonders what it felt like for her. Aren’t they such different entities people question why they’re even friends? Don’t they lead such different lives they might not even see the same heaven or hell?

”Yeah, I guess freeing is…a word.” She kicks back. “But truly settling down’ll be for when I’m old and attended all the funerals I’ll have needed to attend.”

”How many funerals is that, again?”

”Twenty seven funerals and counting.” She says shockingly proudly. “And I’d like to keep it that way.”

”But one person…” Barbara sighs. “Doesn’t it sound nice? Just one person that understands everything you say and keeps you guessing every second of the day. Don’t you like the idea of that?”

”I’m not going to make this sound like some philosophical bullshit that I don’t mean.” Melissa says seriously. “But guess what, Barb. People aren’t like that.”

”I suppose it’s why I’m in this sticky situation.”

”Sure,” Melissa continues. “But I really prefer multiple people, just to stop that constant boredom you speak of. Many call it whorish, I call it human nature.”

”Very fun, Mel. I’m going to go grab the entire stock of alcohol, now.”

Melissa taps an empty spot next to Barbara’s still full glass of beer. “At least finish your…first drink, first.”

”Yeah, right…” Barbara clears her throat, embarrassed.

”Look, being unhappy is for when we’re old and boring. Let’s enjoy our lives for now, how about that?”

Barbara takes a sip of her beer. She’d never been particularly fond of that drink. “How so?”

”For starters, you could order something you actually enjoy.”

”I enjoy this!” She shakes the glass around carelessly, spilling a few drops.

”I know you very well, and the air that’s surrounding you right now isn’t an air of enjoyment.”

”You said you weren’t up for philosophical bullshit.”

Melissa smirks. “If you think that’s philosophical, I have some bad news for you.”

”You know what?” Barbara slouches in her seat. “Fine. Order me a drink you think I’ll like. I’m sure there’s more fun to be had.”

Melissa looks the woman up and down with calculating, sharp eyes. “You up for shots?”

”I don’t have such a high tolerance to alcohol as you might think.”

”Respectfully, I wouldn’t think you have a high tolerance for it at all.” Melissa waves the waitress over. “Relax, I’ll be the designated driver. Don’t worry about getting home.”

Maybe it is fun. Maybe Barbara was wrong, thinking it is such a waste of time. Well—she still does mostly think it’s a waste of time, but at least it’s a good waste of time.

”Thanks for tonight.” Barbara says, words slightly slurred as she does her best to remain poised.

”Yeah, no problem.” Melissa tells her, driving her 1969 Camaro, her baby. “You sure you don’t want to stay over? If Gerald gets pissed you’re kind of wasted right now.”

”Oh, he won’t be mad. Either way, better asking for forgiveness than permission!” She laughs.

It’s a very different side of her, so much so it almost goes into the territory of being jarring.

Melissa stops in front of her house. “Text me when you’re in bed in there. Just for confirmation.”

”Texting you from my bed?!” Barbara scoffs sarcastically. “Preposterous!”

Melissa laughs, although she can feel something is different. A feeling doesn’t always mean it’s there, though.

At the school, her workplace, people have quite a bit calling her and Barbara work wives. It fits, doesn’t it? They’d do anything for each other, they go to each other’s homes during the holidays and have every little tradition for themselves.

It’s surprisingly common for a teacher to tell Melissa that were Barbara attracted to women, they wouldn’t be surprised if they ended up together. And every time, Melissa wonders: “Do I seriously look like I’m not that fucking uncomfortable every time you tell me that?”

But alas, Barbara is drunk enough so Melissa gets out of her car to help her stumble into her house. Talk about low alcohol tolerance. For her standards, at least.

“Gerald, I’m home!” Barbara says loudly, not realizing the volume of her own voice. “Gerry?!”

“Heavens, Barb.” He comes down the stairs. “It’s two in the morning, what even took you so long?”

”Sorry.” She grins. “I was out with Melissa.” She falls into his arms.

”For this long?” He catches a whiff of her. “Were you drinking?”

”Yes! For fun, Gerald. A woman shan’t be so trapped in their work and home so much.”

”It smells quite…strong. What exactly was it you were drinking?” His eyebrows knit together, worried lines engraving his forehead.

”Just fun.”

”How’d you get back here? Taxi?”

”Melissa brought me back.” She swats his hands away. “So many questions, Gerald. What’s the damn point?”

”I was worried.” He says. “Am I not allowed to be worried that my wife wasn’t coming home.”

”If you were so worried, how come you slept?!” She says, picking a fight.

”I didn’t.” Gerald sighs, rubbing his eyes. “Look, honey, I’m not mad. We can talk about this later, but I want to know if you’ll be out late so I don’t worry. That’s it.”

He’s pretty sure they’ve discussed this before.

”Fine.” She goes upstairs, throwing off her shirt, bra, and pants to replace them with more comfortable sleepwear.

Gerald soon follows her into bed, although she’s facing the opposite direction of him. He doesn’t push it.

She manages to remember what Melissa asked of her, and she waits for Gerald to be snoring to actually pick up her phone. She’s not sure why, but there’s a swoop in her stomach as she pulls her phone out, types slowly to tell her she made it.

2:18 a.m.:

Barbara: I’m really so glad we went out together today. You’re so wonderful, I love you

Melissa: Aw, I had fun today, too.

Barbara: We should do it again tomorrow

Melissa: Uh, sure. Might want to go a little lighter on those drinks, though?

Barbara: No need, sweetheart. I feel great

She doesn’t find it in her to possibly regret those texts the next day.

Barbara wakes up to slightly throbbing headache. Same time as always, as her body is used to.

Usually, looking at her phone directly out of bed is a huge no for her, but she can’t resist right now.

6:05 a.m.:

Melissa: Hey…sorry, fell asleep last night. Yeah, I’d love to go out again, maybe not on a school day, though... Does Saturday work?

Barbara bursts through the doors of school heroically despite the continuing headache.

”Morning.” She chirps to Melissa as she passes by her classroom, though she looks even more tired than herself.

”Hey, Barb.” Melissa sets down her chalk, having been writing down a few equations on the board she will use later. “How are you not having an absolute killer hangover right now?”

”Kind of am.”

”Then how are you here?”

Barbara shrugs. “I wanted to see you.”

”Oh, cute.” Melissa sighs. There is a vague look of regret pasted on her mouth.

”Look, I wasn’t lying when I sent those texts last night.”

”That you love me? Yeah, you better.”

”That I would like to do it again. I would like it to just be the two of us again.” She doesn’t deny that both statements are true. But then again, are enjoyment and love really the same thing?

”Alright, fine. But just so you know, you’re paying this time.”

”Sounds perfect. Friday night?” She says, negotiating with the date Melissa had set over text this morning.

”Wow, you really want to go fast. Sure, I’ll clear my schedule.”

2:26 p.m.:

Barbara: I’m going to be out late Friday with Melissa, don’t wait for me

Gerald: I imagine that means no movie night?

Right, movie night. What they do every Friday to relieve the tension. It’s a mere routine, part of what Barbara finds herself trying to leave behind.

She imagines how incredibly butthurt he is over her plans, the rage bubbling behind his eyes as he sends the message.

Well, no. He isn’t like that at all. He probably doesn’t even question why Barbara wants them to lose all control, all inhibition.

Barbara: I’ll make it up to you, sorry. No other day she’s available.

Lie, lie, lie.

Gerald: Fine. Have fun, honey. Talk to you at home

Gerald: Love you

She deletes the notification of that last message. Pretends not to see it so it isn’t real.

The long awaited second bar day finally comes. It’s considerably more exciting, now that Barbara knows what’s in it.

”So…how’d the day go?” Melissa asks as her finger traces the rim of her glass, still a whiskey neat.

”Good. Was waiting for right now, I was getting bored again.”

Melissa clicks her tongue uncomfortably. “How’s everything going with Gerald and you? Still bored? Thought taking your mind off of it for a day would’ve helped…”

”I really liked it, you know.” Barbara sighs, takes a sip of her cocktail. “I like this. We should do this more often.”

Melissa smiles. “You’ve said that before. Very recently, actually.”

”Well, it’s true. You’re…refreshing. You get it. You get it all.”

Melissa throws her head back laughing. “Isn’t it why we’re friends?”

Uncomfortable, longing silence.

Barbara sighs. “Yes. Yes, I suppose that’s why we’re friends.” She waves Dan over. “Can I get another one of these, please?”

Melissa gestures for another drink, too.

Barbara takes a large gulp of the drink she currently has in hand. “We were supposed to have our usual Friday movie night today, you know.”

”Didn’t mean to ruin it.”

”Not your fault. I planned this, didn’t I?” Barbara scoffs. “I can’t even begin to tell you how horrid it is to settle into a routine that isn’t entirely you.”

”Sounds like you’re just unhappy.”

”Not unhappy. I enjoy the man’s company, no doubt. I’ve had his children, haven’t I?”

“It doesn’t have to be that way. You could really, genuinely be happy. Not just drunk and riding around Philly with your friend.”

”How so?”

”Well, with your own initiative.” Melissa grabs her wrist so they can clink their glasses together.

Barbara laughs and takes another large gulp of her drink, hoping to grow more intoxicated more quickly.

”You two ladies need water?” Dan eyes their quickly draining glasses. “You’ll get a hell of a hangover if you keep up like that.”

Barbara looks at him and bursts out laughing, so he takes it as a no. It’ll all be worth it.

Maybe two and a half drinks in, she starts feeling a little warm, a little tipsy.

”How do you feel?” Melissa asks, largely awake. “Do you want to go home yet?”

”Never.” She leans in real close to Melissa. She can chalk her behavior up to being a lot drunker than she actually is, time doesn’t matter so much.

Melissa wonders how likely it is for anything to leave the bar. Is it like Vegas, where nothing leaves the damn place? Would it be alright if she leaned in an equal amount, too?

Just before she can, Barbara leans in and pecks her cheek. “Thank you for bringing me here, my friend. I believe I needed the spice in my life.”

1:58 a.m.:

Barbara: Thank you for tonight

Melissa: Cmon, dipshit. You were the one that paid, no need to thank me

Barbara: Wanna do it again sometime?

Melissa: Barb, I think you’re drinking too much. We could go for some ice cream or something

Barbara: A date?

Melissa: You’re married.

Barbara: You sure make it sound like one

Melissa: Look, we’re both kind of drunk, you’re married, it’s late…we can talk tomorrow when we’re clearheaded.

Melissa wonders if Barbara has somehow sniffed out the enjoyment she felt on their nights out. Doesn’t she realize? Doesn’t she realize that if they touch, Barbara betrays that man?

2:03 a.m.

Barbara: I didn’t mean for everything to sound that way but I really do enjoy our time together

She is probably in bed right now, listening to Gerald snore as they text.

Melissa: I do too

Has she gone too far? She remembers how close they were at the bar, what could’ve happened had she just leaned in.

Barbara: Ice cream works

Barbara finally puts her phone down and glances next to her. Gerald sleeps more tiredly than normally, yet he sleeps and wakes up at the same times.

Meanwhile, she does not. The late nights will probably start taking their toll on her soon, but she’d rather be out than back at her home.

She kind of feels bad for Gerald, to be honest. The man worries, yet he doesn’t even suspect how she’s more excited by her best friend than him. They haven’t properly spoken in what she’s pretty sure amounts to days. She implores it.

So what? You’re pretty sure a kiss on the cheek is normal. A normal, friendly, gesture. You’ve given plenty of people kisses on their cheek. Never meant anything, did it?

But you know this one was different. You know you wanted it to be different. You know she has been wrapped around your finger since the moment you met.

Won’t you be condemned for it? What would the church think to look at you and see you with another person like this? Much less a woman. A divorcee. A woman. But perhaps salvation is possible if she is a mistake and not a choice.

You rip out the white, untainted tulip that has sprouted out from the ground after many years and hope yet another will bloom. Deep down you know it won’t, though.

“One rocky road, one salted caramel, please.” Melissa murmurs upon looking at the tubs of ice cream present in front of them. No questions, no pondering.

Does Gerald know that Barbara likes rocky road? That she kind of likes it because of how the marshmallow is usually slightly frozen.

Melissa scoffs under her breath. Of course he does. He’s a good husband, part of what brings her so much anguish, and possibly a headache. Life would be so much easier if he was a shitty husband, and Barbara could easily rush into open arms. Hers.

”Barb, you know, I have some concerns.”

”Concerns?” Barbara says as she sticks her spoon into the ice cream. “What concerns?”

”That you’re married.”

”Never thought I’d hear you say that.”

Melissa frowns. “Asshole.”

Barbara frowns, too. “I’m sorry. That was harsh.”

”Yeah, it was.”

She sighs. “I’m not as happy with Gerald as I’d like to be. Doubt there’s anything to fix it at this point.”

”Get a divorce. Sucks, but you won’t have to live in regret your whole life.” Melissa spits out.

Barbara takes a glance at her. “Are you any better than him?”

(A punch to the gut. A heart stomped away in the dirt.)

Melissa shrugs nonchalantly. “Unfortunately probably not. He’s a good man. Takes care of you.”

”You do, too.”

”Not in the same way.”

”Be honest, you could be.”

”Jesus, Barb.” She clenches her teeth. “I’m just telling you I’m a mistake that might never erase from your life.”

(Mistake. Isn’t that what you want?)

”No, you could never be a mistake.”

Melissa furrows her eyebrows. Is she telling a lie? Worse, is she telling the truth?

Barbara sighs and walks in the opposite direction. It’s to a table, but Melissa feels it is Barbara throwing in the towel, she’s not able to be the one to break her promise of marriage to Gerald, not like this.

Fuck.

She chases after her and grabs her wrist. “Would’ve been nice for you to figure out you didn’t want to marry Gerald when we first met.”

Barbara blinks. “I wasn’t sure if I wanted to confront that feeling or not.” She bites her lip. “Don’t tell me it’s too late, now. Please.”

It was never too late. Fuck, Melissa wishes it was too late.

She tilts her head, no answer.

”Please, can we just talk later?”

”It’s always later with you.” Barbara clicks her tongue. “Can’t you just say something? Tell me I’m wasting my life. Tell me I can do better.”

Melissa holds on tighter to her wrist, unable to make the first strike.

”Barbara, I have loved you since the fucking moment I stepped into that school.”

”Then tell me it hasn’t.”

”You already know it hasn’t. It’s not a very big secret.”

Barbara retracts.

9:40 p.m.:

Barbara: You should come over for dinner sometime

Melissa: Haven’t we already gone too far? Isn’t Gerald awake right now?

Barbara: I delete my messages now

Melissa: Very comforting

It is genuinely comforting, for some reason.

Melissa: Gerald goes away on a lot of business, right? I could always just go over then. Or you come here

Barbara: If you say so

Melissa deeply wishes to curse her out, but she knows she can’t. Doesn’t have the strength to.

9:25 p.m.:

Barbara: Missing you. Watching The Devil Wears Prada and thinking of you

Melissa: Movie night?

Barbara: Yes

Barbara: Last one before Gerald’s business trip

Melissa puts her phone down and inhales deeply. Why did it take her so idiotically long to realize that she might be the person her best friend is cheating on her husband with?

The very, very first night Gerald is away Melissa kisses her. Not on the cheek, even though both actions might as well equate to the same thing. Equate to the same words: I love you. It is right there, on Barbara’s lips as they stand in Melissa’s kitchen, eating cheese and crackers directly from the plastic wrap they came in.

It doesn’t lead to anything further, but it isn’t like Barbara retracts again. She doesn’t knock some sense into her and tell her she’s a married woman, not that she expected her to anyway.

They stare at each other for a second, and Barbara clears her throat and takes a sip of prosecco. “Should we get takeout?”

It’s so casual that dread knots itself into Melissa’s stomach. It sounds like her arms are open for her, and Melissa gladly rushes in to the fangs of the beast.

She shrugs and Barbara leaves the room for a few minutes to order burgers, plenty of time to wallow and regret.

”Not that I chased you at all during the time we knew each other, but…it feels like my chase has come to an end.” Melissa tells her quietly as they wait tensely for the delivery guy to arrive.

”You never chased me?” Barbara chuckles.

”You were already engaged by the time we met, you gagootz.” She sighs. “And you really gave a good impression of being hopelessly in love with the man. And I get it, honestly!”

”He is a nice guy, though.”

”Yeah! I’d marry him, too, to be honest.” She jokes, rolling her eyes.

Barbara laughs. “It was a fruitless journey. Or, if there is a fruit, it’s awfully bland.”

A long, long pause. She can’t decide whether to laugh with her or not, so she doesn’t.

”Trust me, if I had known, I would’ve chased you plenty. Just happens I’m not one hundred percent a scoundrel like that.”

”Good to know.” Barbara grazes her hand with her finger. The glint of her wedding band catches Melissa’s eye momentarily. “I’m very glad that isn’t the case.”

Another long pause, less awkward this time. Comfortable, waiting silence because the delivery guy will arrive in just a few more minutes.

A knock at the door, just as Melissa shifts her weight on her feet as she starts to get bored. Simultaneously, Barbara’s phone starts to ring.

”Shit.” Melissa curses, frozen. “Who’s that?”

”Oh, relax, it’s probably just a spam call or the burger place.” Barbara gets up, leaving the phone.

”I could go pay.” Melissa says. “You’re the guest, and you appear to have a phone call for you.”

Barbara waves it off and heads away just as the phone stops ringing.

Oh, maybe it was a spam call, then.

Melissa leans back against the counter, feeling rather peaceful until the phone starts vibrating frantically.

”Barb?!” She yells as Barbara chats with the delivery guy. The woman’s too social for their own good, sometimes.

”Just a second!”

Melissa purses her lips as the phone starts ringing with a call again, so desperately that she checks who it’s from.

Gerald.

She severely doubts it’s a good idea to pick it up.

”Barb, seriously!” She yells again, and Barbara finally comes rushing over with their food.

”What in the world is going on?!”

Melissa thrusts the phone into her hands. “It’s Gerald, and an awful lot of people texting you.” She frowns.

Barbara swallows heavily and answers. “Hello? Honey?”

Melissa desires to kill someone as she calls him that, but the desire fades as Barbara’s expression quickly falls.

”Excuse me?” She bites her lip. “Is—is he alright? Should I go over there?”

She has a pause as she listens before hanging up the phone, face full of so many fears Melissa isn’t even sure if she’s staring at the same person as before.

”What happened?!” She asks in a panic, but her words fall on deaf ears. Barbara just sits on the floor and tries to breathe again.

Something inside of you wilts. You’re not entirely sure what wilts, but it does. You don’t know what might, considering you’ve ripped every last bit of flora that has decorated your soul. What weeds litter you, now, so that you can feel yourself shriveling up inside, dying?

You have to wait an hour or two before your lover, if you can call her that, believes you are sufficiently level-headed enough to make a trip to your husband at the next city’s hospital. He’s unconscious. Might be for a little while. They are going to run some tests as you drive over.

The entire way there, you ask yourself why it is that if you don’t really love him that goddamn much, why are you running back to him? Why can’t you just stay with her and forever keep your sick, stupid peace?  

Chapter Text

Here’s what you plan to tell people when you are long gone, one day. You will tell them you were preyed upon in a moment of weakness, yet you were healed of your weakness regardless.

You can tell them you didn’t even stay with her, anyway. You will always follow Him. That is what was promised, and you always try your best to not break those promises.

Barbara, I’m fine, your husband says. The tests will run and I will be fine. I work quite hard, you know.

Of course you choose to believe him. You have unending amounts of trust in him, trust you believe—no, know that he shouldn’t be reciprocating.

Do you love him? Are you sure you love him, even though you know you said you weren’t quite sure?

You remember the phrase “through sickness and health” as you sit in your home for the next few days as he recovers, as you wait for the results to come in.

Then eventually, the phone rings.

“He has cancer.” Barbara whispers in disbelief. Gerald hasn’t come home even once in a damn week. Only short visits from close family. And now, she knows why. “He has cancer.”

”Holy shit, Barb…” Melissa wraps her arms around her as she quakes. “I’m so sorry.”

She opens her mouth to speak, but no words come out. What does she even do? Does she tell Melissa she has a husband, deeply sick so she can’t do this anymore? Not a chance.

”Can you stay the night?” She whispers and Melissa immediately nods.

”Yeah. God, of course.” Melissa bites her lip. “Can you give me thirty minutes? I’m going to grab some stuff from home, if that’s alright with you.”

”Go ahead.” She says. “Take your time.”

Melissa knows very well she doesn’t mean it when she tells her to take her time. Taking her time will likely only do them both a disservice.

And thus, Barbara is left home alone, left to ponder. She sits silently at her kitchen table, weighing what could happen depending on what she does.

At this point, she is tired. Tired that she cannot run away into the infinite space known as Hell, but even then, how much worse could Hell be than right now?

Her thoughts grow too vivid to ignore so she squeezes her eyes shut and starts getting ready for bed. It’s quite early, but there’s not much else to do.

The monotony of brushing her teeth, applying her night cream and staring at every feature of hers in the mirror is a pleasure she had taken for granted for quite a while. There would always be Gerald chatting as she gets ready, telling her about foolish things and reading by the time he was in bed, much faster than her.

She wonders if she really misses that, or just the time before she discovered her love for him was but a mirage, a veil. Or more likely, the time before she learned everything would fall apart.

It’ll be inevitable, she thinks. The way empires rise and fall, everyone she has heard about going through similar things have all fallen apart, in a way.

Melissa finally knocks at the door when she is tiredly rinsing her face off, avoiding her own gaze in the mirror. She didn’t need to knock, she’s had a key since the both of them were in their thirties.

”You still here, Barb?!”

It’s her home, isn’t it?

Melissa heads to her room and leans against the doorframe. “Early bedtime, I see.”

”I’m tired.” Barbara says bitterly.

”Yeah, I bet.” Melissa throws her duffel bag down next to the bed.

She looks over her shoulder to the spot on the bed where Melissa is sitting, her outside clothes still on. Whatever.

”I don’t know what to do.” Barbara says. “Do you have a guy for this?”

”Hey, Barb,” she tilts her head, knowing her words will cut her down no matter what she does. “The guy’s strong, alright?”

”He got sick a lot as a child.” Barbara mutters. “Has a weak arm because of it.”

”He got through that, he can get through this, too.”

She purses her lips and crawls into bed. It’s different. Melissa isn’t stupid, she realizes that incredibly quickly.

”Alright, hon. Tell me what you want me to say.”

“Tell me everything will be okay. Tell me this’ll all work out and he can live, but I can still love you. Tell me that if we slept together it wouldn’t be the end of the world.”

Melissa chuckles. Takes off her jacket and shirt only to put on a different one to sleep in. “You make a lot of demands, Barb.”

”I decide I want to be happy for one second, I swear—“

She sheds her pants and stares back at her. “Unfortunately, from this point on nothing’ll be as happy as before. Not at all.”

An honest answer. Barbara accepts it.

Melissa lies down, eyes blinking closely in front of her face. “You know I’ll be here for you, right?”

She reaches out to touch her face. Soft, marred with lines of stress and worry. She does not lean in to kiss her. Not yet. Not now.

You are flying. You are soaring through the air, looking down at the world that passes by.

Truthfully, flight has never been your favorite thing. Not since you gained the privilege of knowing what a cruise is like. The scene you overlook, however, is far more beautiful than anything a cruise could provide you with.

There is grass. A lot of it. Grass that is all a shade that has been mixed with plenty of yellow, with dots of flowers and children running through as fast as they can. You want to tell them to slow down, because rushing won’t bring them any more joy than walking will.

But eventually, you pass them. The grass grows a little greener but you decide it isn’t a fun sight to see. You wonder what those children are doing, if they have stopped for even a second to see what you are doing so high in the sky.

You start to look straight ahead into the clear blue sky and imagine how you can’t fall like this. You could keep flying forever.

”You know,” Melissa starts as she pulls out a box of cereal from a cabinet. “My uncle had to go through chemo before.”

”Oh, really?” Barbara raises an eyebrow. “How’d it go for him?”

”Archie’s still kickin’!” She exclaims. “And that bastard doesn’t even deserve it.”

”I don’t see your point.”

”I’m saying Gerald’s a good man, and you gotta have a little faith in him.” She leans in real close so their foreheads almost touch.

What if Barbara does not want faith, if faith forces the two of them apart?

”Who knows? Maybe God just wants to meet the guy faster, if anything.”

She tuts. “Earth isn’t a meet and greet, Mel.”

”To him, it might as well be.” She kisses her and wipes a crumb off of her cheek. “We’re just little ants to him.”

Barbara kind of holds her there by the nape of her neck. “I might’ve left him if this didn’t happen.”

”Let’s not worry about this right now, Barb.” They clasp their hands together, their gazes both moving to each other’s eyes.

”We shouldn’t.” Barbara says so quietly she can’t hear her say it. Maybe that is what she wanted, for her to not hear it.

Melissa kisses her again, sits right above her on the chair, breathing hard.

It will perhaps be her first death of many.

”Mel—Mel.” She moans her name as kisses are slowly placed along her throat, but she doesn’t stop her. She just takes her to the couch and lays down underneath her.

”Hold still.” Melissa says throatily and allows her fingers to slip into her underwear. “Fuck—I love you.”

Barbara opens her mouth to try and say it back but she can’t. Her eyes just well up and she throws her head back at the way Melissa touches her, dancing around her inner thighs.

”Mel.” Her voice strains, too far gone to even sound like an actual word.

”Barb.” She responds, hand gripping her waist tightly.

Relinquishment.

”Hon, I really need you to…” She swallows. “Fuck me, or I’ll go insane.”

Melissa bites her lip and slips her hand into her shirt to play with a breast, her eyes that fill with concern not looking away from Barbara for even a second.

”Oh…” She softly moans into her ear, but the tears that overwhelmingly pour onto the couch’s fabric is quite difficult to ignore.

”Barb.” Melissa pauses because she has started sniffling with each thrust that sinks into her. “Barb?”

”You don’t have to stop, I want this.”

”Look, I love you, but it’s really hard to sleep with a woman who’s in clear distress the entire time.” She says softly. “Barb, please just talk to me.”

”I can’t.” She wails, clutching onto the collar of Melissa’s shirt for dear life. “If I talk to you, it makes this all real, and if it’s all real it mean’s I’m wrong about everything I said I stood for.”

”Well, staying silent won’t make it any better.”

Melissa cups her face and lets her chest rise and fall with her hiccuping cries.

”Can you even believe me? I’m sleeping with my best friend while my husband is in the hospital. He could be dying.”

We are all dying, Melissa thinks. We are all dying but I would like to enjoy these moments before we do.

”Then go see him.” She tells her instead, genuinely. “He’s still your husband, isn’t he?”

”But I want to be with you.”

”Weird situation, isn’t it?” She chuckles. “I can be wherever you need me, he can’t. You’re going to have to go to him.”

Melissa only knows to say that because she knows she will always come running back into her own arms.

”He’s going to be discharged in a couple of days, anyway.”

”Barb, please.” She swipes a tear from her eye with a thumb. “I need you to either break it off with him completely or keep the act up completely. No in between.”

Gerald is just so happy to see Barbara again, eyes glowing despite the horrific bruise on his temple from when he passed out, and the crippling air around him that they know what he has is quite fatal.

”How are you?” His wife asks him as he walks slowly back into their home. “I’m sorry I couldn’t see you more, I don’t think I could have met eyes with you without sobbing.”

He sighs. “Barb, sweetheart, the chemo is going to be expensive.”

”I wasn’t saying anything about that.”

”I know…! But—c’mon, this is a big thing now.”

”It doesn’t have to be now. We could talk about money tomorrow, when we’re well-rested—“

”If the costs add up how I think they’ll add up, we might not be able to pay for Gina’s tuition this coming month.” He says somberly. “We need to know now.”

”Now?” Barbara purses her lips.

”We have things we could cut back on, to start. There are some sacrifices we could make.”

Barbara has already sacrificed many things, from what she can recall. Anything more and she might just disintegrate.

”Gerald, you’re going to be fine.”

”We don’t know that.” He tuts. “I might not be okay in the end, so I want to at least make sure you’ll be fine.”

”Gosh, don’t say that.”

”Please.” He whispers, holding onto her shoulders tightly. “I need you to trust me.”

”I trust you.” She repeats slowly, though she’s so tired she only narrowly avoids asking if he can trust her, too.

”Good.” He sighs and straightens his back. “I’d regret to say it, but I think a good first thing to cut is our yearly cruise.”

”Gerald!” Barbara gasps. “We love the cruise, we need to enjoy at least that if you get any sicker!”

”I’d rather live longer to see you.”

They do not need to finish the conversation for her to know it is the beginning of the end.

Gerald bites his lip. “I’m really sorry this is all happening so fast, but I would like to be selfish because I love you and cannot leave you.”

Barbara wants to clutch onto his jacket’s lapels and ask him why. Why is he choosing to be so selfish when all Barbara needs him to be is the same, selfless self that she first married.

”We could…” she sighs. “Sell a car, maybe. Heaven knows we could just use one together at this rate.”

A crease forms in Gerald’s forehead and he embraces her, her head tucked underneath his chin. “I love you so, so much, Barbara.”

”You don’t need to tell me that.” She hugs his waist tightly.

”Of course I need to tell you that. I should tell you that every waking moment of the day.” He pulls away, not because he is rejecting her but because he is tired. Can’t stand for as long as he could just a couple of weeks ago.

Barbara kisses his cheek and almost finds herself loving him a little more than she wants again. “Do you want an early lunch? I know your day must’ve been exhausting.”

”I’m not hungry.” He responds sadly.

Saddled.

Burdened.

Maybe burdened isn’t the appropriate word for most people, but right now they feel like the only appropriate words.

”I can’t make it to work today.” She anxiously fiddles with her shirt’s hem as she calls Ava again, as last minute as she has been for the third time this week.

”What, again?”

”You know Gerald isn’t well.”

”The kids miss you, Barb. Janine is practically bawling like an annoying little child.”

She sighs. “I know…but he’s feeling very weak because of the chemo and I’m just trying to help him adjust.”

”Yeah, I know that! We’re allowed to be frustrated, though. We deeply need you here.”

”Thanks, Ava.” She smiles weakly. “I’ll try to come back as soon as possible.”

Gerald stares at her from the banister. “You know I can take care of myself.”

”I don’t want to take any chances.”

”You shouldn’t stop yourself from going to work, I know you love it there.”

”You don’t need to remind me.” She scowls without meaning to.

”I’ll get out of your hair.” He rubs the back of his neck.

”I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry.” Barbara frowns tensely. “I’m happy to stay here to help you have a good transition.”

Gerald sits on the first steps and looks up at her. “It only gets worse from here. That’s what I feel in my gut.”

”Maybe your gut feelings have deteriorated.”

Her phone buzzes and she glances at it rather quickly.

Melissa: Hon, you’re not here again?

”Who’s that?” Gerald grumbles.

”Just…Janine. Asking where I am.”

Barbara: Come by later when Gerald is asleep

Barbara: He seems a little weaker than before today…

Melissa: As all things go

She nudges Gerald. “Back to bed? I’ll bring up some porridge, you need to eat for your strength.”

”I’m seriously not hungry.”

”Well, at this rate you’ll just starve to death.” She pinches his arm. “Look at how thin you’ve gotten, you’re worrying me.”

”Honey, please, I’ll just go to bed and have some of that porridge, lots of honey.”

”Fine.” She turns around angrily to cook.

Barbara: Please please please come by later

Melissa: Everything ok?

Barbara: I’m feeling awfully lonely

Melissa: How come? Aren’t you with Gerald

Barbara: If that’s supposed to sound condescending it’s working

Melissa: It’s not

Melissa: Listen, I’m going to drop by later, alright? But I’m with the kids right now

Barbara: Take me away somewhere quiet

Melissa doesn’t respond. Not until Barbara is sitting in front of the television, exhausted from her day.

Melissa: So is Gerald asleep yet?

Barbara: Took you an awful long time…

Melissa: Sorry, sorry

Melissa: Needed to help out for an open house and get gas, will be there in 20?

She sighs and takes a look at the clock. It’s frighteningly late and she doesn’t know how she’s still up, but right now Gerald is sleeping plenty and the alone time is nice.

Oh, right. Gerald is asleep…in their bed…that they have slept in together for years…

She swallows and burrows her face in her arms, yet the worry will melt away like it never even existed when Melissa shows up in her car with a cigarette between her lips.

She gets bored of herself quite quickly, admittedly, and she heads out to sit at her front porch to wait for the rest of the time.

The night is still and warm tonight, but so dark you wouldn’t even think twice about that.

”Hey, hon.” Melissa pulls up in front of her. “It’s not safe to be out so late, you know.”

”I just came out.”

”Waiting for me?”

”Of course.”

She smiles softly, weakly. There is pain etched into her face like a carved piece of wood. “Gerald asleep now?”

”Has been for most of the day.”

”Then can I take you somewhere quiet?” She asks.

”Always.” Barbara kisses her nose through the window and goes into the passenger seat.

Melissa stares at her warmly for a moment.

”What’s the look for?” She asks, blinking slowly.

”Nothing. Just missed your face. Missing work isn’t a usual trait of yours.”

”I couldn’t have made it even if I tried.” She leans her head back. “I find myself quite exhausted already.”

”You can sit back and relax, I’ll do the work for you.” Melissa says. “I want you to enjoy our time together.”

Barbara winces as she hears it, words she is sure have been uttered by Gerald countless times already.

”Enjoyment was for when things were easy. Now is a time where I am allowed to grieve.”

They drive in silence for a few more minutes until Melissa parks in an empty parking lot for an abandoned apartment building and movie theater, so deserted they can hear the crickets chirping peacefully.

”You shouldn’t borrow so much sadness from the future, you know.” She guides her into the backseat of the car, kissing down her satiny shoulder.

”I don’t mean to, but it’s the only thing the future offers me.” She whines softly. “And I don’t have enough of anything now to make do.”

”You have me.” Melissa pulls off her shirt and allows Barbara to stare at her, to make the details of her body in the dark. The stretch marks lined near her stomach and brown nipples on her breasts.

”I have you.”

She questions if it is at all enough.

Barbara pulls her in a little closer and possessively places open mouthed kisses along her neck.

”Hey, I said I’d be doing the work.”

”I can’t resist you.”

Melissa takes her wrist and holds it to her chest. “Then don’t.”

She hadn’t planned on it, anyway.

She pulls away her pants and moves her face down in between her legs as the moonlight glows.

Barbara has never known the exact feeling like this, where she could stay in the backseat of a car for millions of years and never tire because of who she’s with. Her legs attempt to squeeze shut but Melissa stops them

”Melissa—“ Barbara fumbles with her hands, feeling worn out and that the night is too dark to be a safe time. “We need to get sleep, I have to get home sometime.”

”We could stop by a gas station.” She says as she comes up for air. “I could get you some good old caffeinated drinks.”

”Gerald could wake up. He has nightmares.”

”He’s a grown man, Barb.”

”I know.” Barbara swallows, running her fingers through silky red hair as Melissa lazily grazes her thumb over her clit.

”Fuck, Barb.” She sighs. “We’ve barely been out here, and it’s late. We probably don’t even need to worry about that.”

Despite the heat pooling in her lower stomach, it doesn’t stop bothering her. “I’m not sure what I’m doing.”

”That’s why I’m here.”

”Not that—“ she sucks in some air. “For Christ’s sake, he’s dying.”

Melissa bites her lip, props herself up on her elbows. “Do you want to come?”

”Yes.”

”Do you want me to take you home?”

”Yes.”

You would think that after a year you would adjust and find yourself with a little more time on your hands. That is, unfortunately, where you’re wrong.

You might quit your job. Your time is so drained you’re there the minimum amount of days you can be, and you’ve started relying on the kindness of your colleagues to get your room cleaned up if you ever leave early. And you’re tired, anyway.

You should find a way to get some more sleep, Ava tells you with her hands on your shoulder.

I know, you say. I can only try, though.

Ava looks at you with worry plaguing her eyes and doesn’t ask anymore.

There are many nights where you definitely could get some more sleep, though, but you choose not to because Melissa’s contact  beckons you on your phone the moment Gerald falls asleep. You’re starting to be eaten away like a worm to the earth.

You have nightmares now, too. You can never quite remember them but you wake up wet and ashamed each time. You’re pretty sure the lack of sleep is starting to drive you insane.

”Barb!” Gerald calls out hoarsely. “Our appointment is today, we gotta go.”

”Right, sorry.” Barbara says from upstairs, putting on large pearl earrings as the final set on her lobe. She would like to look good to see Melissa again. They haven’t stopped sleeping together. “Be right there.”

”Sorry.” Gerald mumbles to her when she comes down.

”Don’t be sorry.” She brushes a thumb across his hand.

She never even remotely hopes or expects for things to look good, anymore.

She knows she did the right thing when the doctor and nurse, adorned in blue scrubs walks in solemnly to their room.

”It doesn’t look much better.” The doctor says.

It doesn’t feel like a punch to the gut anymore. Just a constant, harrowing ringing in her ears. A ringing to the ears she has grown so accustomed to that it’s deafening.

”Doc, can you…” Gerald clears his throat. “Can you leave us alone for a little, please?”

He hasn’t asked to be left alone, before. Gerald had always been able to take the news with a straight face and soldier on.

The doctor closes the door silently because he usually knows what happens when a husband or wife asks to be left alone.

”Barb, honey.” He turns to face her, so unrecognizable he might as well be a completely different man. If her self from a year ago saw him now, she would holler because he is a different man, eyes so scarily gaunt and all life drained from his form. “I want to stop chemo.”

Barbara blinks. And then she blinks again, just in case she didn’t hear or see him correctly.

”What do you mean?”

”I’m not getting a whole lot better, and imprisoning ya’ll because I only hope to get better is…it’s just not right.”

She clenches her teeth. “The progression has slowed plenty.”

”Yes, by a few months that I’ll be suffering during.” He puts his hand on top of hers. “I’m not not ready.”

”Surely a few extra months wouldn’t hurt.”

”I have bided my time well with you, wonderful kids, wonderful friends. I couldn’t ask for very much more.”

”Time. Time is a good one.”

”I would rather you have the time so you can enjoy your good full life.”

Barbara borrows a little more sadness from the future. Resists the urge to take out her phone and tell Melissa all about it.

”You already know where the house deed and my personal documents are kept, right?” He kisses her temple and presses their foreheads together.

”Yes.” She whispers. “I know.”

He smiles. “I’ll call the doctor back in.”

Barbara: I don’t know what to do anymore

Melissa: I feel as if that’s all you ever say

Barbara: Gerald stopped chemo

Barbara: I didn’t know how to tell you for ages, I’m sorry

Melissa: Oh my god, hon

Melissa: I’m so fucking sorry

Barbara: I don’t know how to feel, Mel

Barbara tosses her phone on her bed next to her as Gerald peacefully watches the world from the front porch. She doesn’t get it. The world isn’t so interesting, and technically he still has time, whether it is borrowed or not.

”Barb, come out here!” He yells from the porch. Despite the weakness that has ravaged his body, he can still practically roar when it comes to it.

”Everything alright?!” She rushes out immediately and sees he is still peacefully sitting there.

”Actually, yes.”

”Well, what’s the matter?” She stands next to him, observing the plain sights in front of them. Trees colored pale green, houses that are lined up identically, streetlights that haven’t been turned on yet. It isn’t a beautiful thing he’s watching, in her opinion. What would be beautiful is a pale blue sea and sun sparkling down onto them. Or a flower field she has flown above before, just not sure when.

”Gina called me a while ago.” He says, smiling peacefully. “To tell me she’s changing her major.”

”To?”

”Chemistry. She wants to go to medical school, now.”

Another change, too large of a shift for anything, not even one thing to feel comfortable.

”That’s…” Barbara bites her lip, bites back bitter tears. “Wonderful, Gerald.”

”Yeah?” He looks at her, that look of love unchanging in his eyes even as he wastes away. It’s only because he does not know such traitorous acts his wife commits each time he does not see her. “Told her she didn’t have to if it’s just for me. I know how much she loves making games.”

”And you just let her?”

”I can’t stop her, Barb. Not unless the Lord see fit. You know how she is.”

”Then I’ll stop her before the Lord does.”

”She told me not to tell you.”

She crosses her arms, knowing it is probably the least of her concerns. Her phone buzzes once with a message in her pocket.

”She’s keeping changing her major from me?” She scoffs. “How long’s it been?!”

”She’ll come around eventually, but she just…said she doesn’t want you to know right now. She knows you’re stressed.”

”I’ll be even more stressed if she never tells me!”

”Give her some time, Barb. Give her time.”

”Well, when did she do it? Did she tell you late, too?”

He looks up at the sky, methodical. “Frankly, I don’t remember very clearly.”

Barbara frowns. “Liar.”

”I’m not lying. You know my memory is a little faulty nowadays. It’s aging.”

”No rough estimate?”

”Not a useful one.”

She looks at him hopelessly. “This is foolish, Gerald. I don’t think you should’ve stopped chemotherapy, not at all.”

”Really?” He looks up at her, lips curling upward slightly. “I think it was a wonderful choice. See? No regrets.”

Of course he could say that.

He looks down at his hands, bony and shaky. Chronically cold. “Can’t go back now, anyway.”

They could, she thinks. They could go back and be a baseline level of miserable instead of the declining graph.

She clutches her phone through her pocket. “Yes. I guess we can’t go back.”

She looks at him, and then the colorless trees and bland houses and tired streetlights. She looks at the wood on the porch and the pale green grass surrounding them. She wonders, she really does. How change could rush at her and take everything akin to the way a tornado acts. Her phone buzzes again but she just lets herself look at the world, unchanging.

”You know,” he says, chuckling. “I guess whatever I tell you from now, I’m taking to my grave.”

She doesn’t laugh at the attempt at humor.

The wind blows.

She thinks it’s kind of funny, the way the flowers around Gerald’s picture next to his casket look so much alike the one she saw in her dream once. The way the children run the way she saw in the dream because they are too young to understand that this is devastating, a tragedy.

”Hey, mom.” Gina kisses her cheek and hugs her, just now having gotten to the venue from her flight. Too many delays, too many irredeemable gaps made by the changes in their lives.

”Hello, darling.” She squeezes her in their hug and pretends she does not know why she took on changing her major so late. “Glad you could make it.”

”Couldn’t miss this at all.”

Taylor is right next to her, arm in arm with Paul. She is crying so hard she suspects he is holding her solely so she doesn’t fall. She had never been so good at controlling her emotions, not like Gina is.

”Mom.” She says through her tears.

”Taylor.” Barbara hugs her and feels the weight of her body shifting into her arms. Lighter than she remembers. Or heavier.

Gina stands next to her a little awkwardly, fists balled at her sides like a child. She offers a hand to Gina so she can join in and perhaps seal herself from seeing the casket for a moment.

She inhales and feels the sting in her eyes that means she has to pull away or there’ll be absolutely no chance she could keep it together the rest of the funeral, despite the fact that she is one of the people that is most obligated to sob and scream.

Someone is missing, she notices. A seat that should have been filled instantaneously has not been filled right behind hers.

It’s still too early for it to start, yet Barbara expected her to be there always. It’s strange, they’d seen each other yesterday and Barbara had cried again when her fingers were in her down to the knuckle. No explanation needed.

”Hello.” Melissa politely shows up right as they are about to take their seats. Of course her timing is awkwardly impeccable.

”Took you long enough.”

Melissa kisses her cheek and hugs her, an action so innocent no one bats an eye, yet Barbara feels the hand cupping her waist a little too affectionately and the smell of herself in Melissa’s hair.

”Needed a moment, you know?” She puts a hand to her face and stares at her. “I’m sorry.”

”I feel that’s all we ever say nowadays.”

”It’s the only thing to say.”

Barbara feels herself particularly close to tears. “Gina and Taylor—they’re going to be home for a few days.”

”So?”

”Can you stay, too?” She asks anxiously. “I doubt it’ll be weird, and I don’t want to sleep alone.”

”Yeah, anything.” Melissa tells her sweetly. “Anything at all.”

The pastor clears his throat as he steps onto his podium, the sign that the service will be starting.

”Come on.” Barbara tells Melissa, although they sit separately.

Taylor hands her a program as they sit, telling them what hymns will be sung and when prayers will occur. She has a carnal desire to embed the whole thing into someone’s brain.

”Today, we are gathered here to celebrate the life and mourn the loss of Gerald Howard.” The pastor starts. “Let us start with a prayer.”

Everyone closes their eyes, clasps their hands. Barbara, for the first time in her life, opens a single eye, just so she can see who is around her. There are silent sobs among the crowd and she wonders if they are only mourning for show. She isn’t one of them, now that she thinks about it.

”And now, a hymn.” The pastor announces once the amens are said.

Barbara knows this song well enough so she can do it in a way that is almost mechanical, but she stares at the flowers surrounding Gerald’s picture.

Did God really want to meet him so badly, or did he finally strike retribution upon her adultery?

The congregation of beautiful voices, of sweet songs do not comfort her in any way as she had hoped.

The song ends and there is a delay to how quickly she sits, lagging several seconds behind everyone else. Embarrassing.

Taylor squeezes her hand. “Gotta go up,” she murmurs. “Wish me luck.”

Oh, right. Taylor is one of the four people giving a eulogy. It’s her first, then Gerald’s best friend, then his mother, then his brother. She knows he hasn’t talked to his brother properly in ages.

”Good morning, all.” Taylor starts, voice so mature compared to the child Barbara still remembers in her heart. “Thank you for coming to celebrate the life my father had. My name is Taylor Howard, I am his oldest daughter.” She pauses before continuing. “My father was the strongest man I know—knew.” She fumbles painfully. “When I was a child I remember believing him invincible. I still believe he is, just…in a different place. He was the most considerate, powerful guy ever, never relenting and never stopping in the name of his love. Everything he did was to help someone. When I was a child, I had seen a spider. I picked it up with the intent of killing it, but he stopped me. He told me, “you can’t resort to fear and violence just because you find something a little scary. You must let it live on. You must let yourself see the fruit and gifts life bares, even the spiders.””

Barbara catches a glance of her eye. She doesn’t remember that story, but there is so much life she has seen she can’t remember that single one.

”My father was capable of love even I don’t think I can comprehend it. Even as life threw countless hardships at him, he was able to remain such an incredible person. I am the luckiest person ever, to have even known him. He was an incredible father, son, friend, husband,” she looks to different people in the crowd as she talks. “And so many wonderful things to so many wonderful people. One can only hope and imagine how many lives he has touched and changed, and I can say for sure the impact he has left on the earth will remain for the rest of our lives and more. He will be missed.” She inhales. “Thank you.”

You are hit with what can only be described as an aftermath, a shock so powerful you are left paralyzed, unmoving even though the world has not stopped moving.

But you are a mother. Not a good one, you think now that you awake in the arms of your lover only so you can be left in your bed for almost the entire day.

You have to get up, Barb, your lover tells you. She must be exhausted, too, saddled with your self that can’t even bear to make rise for a proper meal at the kitchen table.

Saddled.

Yet she stays, only stroking your hair and whispering all of these sweet nothings and comforts into your ear. They hardly make a dent in the crushed soda can that has replaced your psyche.

But you realize the girls, your wonderful children must go back to their normal lives soon. It will not be the same, but it will be normal. You get your act together for a few days before they leave so they don’t worry that you will rot in the dirt like your husband now is.

They leave you without worries, in the empty house that your lover now frequents, whether as a ghost or human.

Melissa thinks it is going well, now. Seeing as Barbara is officially back to work after a long, long period of absence despite the worried murmurs of their coworkers. She is like that, but she is fine.

They haven’t slept together in a shocking while, probably months.

Well—slept in the same bed, yes. But not sleeping together in the passionate manner where they moan and scream and whine and dig into each other where another person might never even think of.

It’s fine, she thinks. As long as she has Barbara, anything is fine with her.

”Would you like to go out for dinner?” Barbara gently offers her hand as she walks out of her classroom, done with work for the day.

”Thought you’d never ask.” She grins and takes her hand. “Where are you planning on?”

”Maybe somewhere casual. I don’t want anything too fancy.”

They walk over to her car. Melissa drives them home a lot, now. Doesn’t want Barbara to drive because she knows how grief still pounds in her chest. More than her heartbeat, almost.

”So…what?” She asks as she reverses. “Do you mean like a cafe kind of arrangement?”

”Sounds perfect.” Barbara says.

”Oh. Okay.”

She steals a glance of Barbara and sees how different she is since Gerald has passed away. Frown lines, she has frown lines, but she makes them look so graceful and calm you wouldn’t even think twice about them.

Barbara stares out the window as the car moves, looking at the trees so peaceful and the roads that rush like water when you look from that speed.

“How was it today?” Melissa asks her delicately, like she will break if she touches her wrong.

”Good, actually. The kids were awfully calm today.”

”Must’ve been your energy.” She puts a hand on your thigh. “You seem calm as the ocean is blue, love.”

”I suppose I am.” She says.

There’s a cafe not far from Melissa’s house they have been to many times. Barbara orders a latte, and salad that comes with a slice of french bread. Melissa orders some red wine and a sandwich that comes on top of sourdough bread.

”Planning on sleeping late?” Melissa asks her with how strongly the latte smells of bitter coffee. It’s a nice smell.

”Perhaps I am.”

Barbara takes a bite of her salad, and Melissa can only really stare in awe at how beautiful she is, how she could love her until she is just bones.

”Taylor and Paul are finally going to get married.” She sets her fork down peacefully. “Next fall.”

”That’s an awfully long wait.”

”She’s still getting used to life, I don’t blame her.” She sips her latte. Melissa thinks the french bread would taste good dipped in it. “But I don’t worry for her. She’s become quite a responsible citizen.”

”Always knew she’d be.” Melissa washes down some of her sandwich with her wine.

”Wait.” Barbara pauses. “You need to drive.”

”It’s just one small drink.” She says sheepishly.

Barbara smiles smugly and swaps their drinks. There is a lipstick stain on the lid of the latte. “Trade.”

”Fair enough.”

The rest of the date goes in silence, Melissa munching on her slightly strange combo of a sandwich and latte, Barbara happily sipping on wine and finishing her bread. Not so eventful. Maybe eating at home would’ve yielded a better, more comfortable time.

”Wanna just stay at my place?” Melissa asks as she pays the bill.

”Wonderful. I’d love to lie down.” Barbara leans back, hands on her stomach.

”With me?”

”That’s an obvious answer.”

She burns bright red at her tone, almost enchantingly seductive. Or maybe it’s just her normal voice, but to Melissa it’s one and the same.

”Come on.” She offers her hand and Barbara takes it gingerly. “I know the days are boring but I’ll make sure tonight isn’t.”

Barbara giggles. “Mel, not in public.”

And everything, just for a moment that she knows will last, is perfect. There is color in the world and a ring in Barbara’s voice she hasn’t quite heard since Gerald died. She can only describe it as being breathtaking.

She goes almost twenty miles above the speed limit on her way home. Police officers don’t tend to hang around the area anyway.

”Melissa, slow down, we have time!” Barbara’s stomach swoops each turn she makes.

She would like to hear that more often, perhaps in a different context.

Her parking job, too, is sloppy. Her car is basically her child, but it’s so close to the hedges it almost scratches.

”Are you drunk?” Barbara asks, hysterically laughing.

On life, perhaps, she thinks. On seeing you like this.

Dust is picking up inside of her home because she’s never around to clean. Always at Barbara’s or at work. And if she is home, she just wants to sit down and relax. All she hopes if Barbara does not feel the need to sneeze too much.

”Um…” Melissa awkwardly turns on a light. “Haven’t been here in a while, yeah?”

”Looks the same as always.” Barbara says, hardly looking, just looking down at Melissa as she guides her into her bedroom.

Is it still wrong? Is it still considered some twisted form of sin when Gerald’s body is underneath their feet, chipped away at by the soil and worms?

Melissa kisses her jaw and neck gently. “I could kiss you ‘til the sun bleaches your bones white.”

”You’re hopeless.” She laughs, fingers trailing down to unbutton their pants.

”Anything for you, hon.”

Barbara can feel it, the warm breath that dots her body as Melissa moves to kiss her, to worship her. She missed this. Or—she missed something, and this is probably it.

”Fuck…” She moans as Melissa skillfully unhooks her bra, eyes never once leaving each others’ faces.

“God, Barb, you’re beautiful.”

Melissa takes her to the bed and puts a leg up onto her shoulder so she can remove her panties, lacy and dark blue.

”I could look at you for hours.” Melissa kisses just above her knee, not lying at all.

Barbara reaches out to touch her face, her own filled with a certain sense of maybe regret, of distance.

”Then look.” She says.

Melissa wakes up late at night, and really late at night. Had she had a bad dream?

She turns around in bed and realizes the other spot is cold. Oh, Barbara must be in the bathroom. She shifts to that spot to keep it warm for her. It still smells of Barbara. However, the impending sense of concern stops her from really sleeping again, waiting for Barbara to come back.

”Hon?” She yells hoarsely, scanning the dark room. “You there?”

The answer to that would be no.

She frowns, now fully awake.

”Barb, d’you leave already?”

She supposes it is a pointless question, if she is. She starts putting on some clothes, still almost naked from the night. She realizes her breath has sped up quite a bit, so she calms herself. Takes deep breaths. No reason to be hyperventilating when nothing is wrong.

Melissa: I know it’s late, but did you already go home?

Melissa: A note would’ve been nice

She stretches out and allows herself to sit for a moment.

Melissa: Was everything alright, sweetheart?

She doesn’t particularly desire going back to bed. Would this be a bad time to go to Barbara’s? Just to feel her embrace until the morning, what they’re both used to. She chuckles to herself and decides to call.

No answer. The number goes to voicemail, and that’s when Melissa’s eye catches a notification. A missed call, an earlier voicemail. She is about to brush it off to the fact that Barbara has just already left until she is halfway up her stairs.

Barbara never leaves voicemails.

Barbara never leaves voicemails.

She’s breaking a sprint to the door, to the car.

”Hey, Mel. I didn’t want to wake you—“

She can’t listen to the entire thing. Barbara’s voice is a digitally tainted sob, and the cars that dot the road tell her it is not safe for her to listen to this while driving.

”Fuck! Answer!” Melissa clenches her teeth as she tries to call Barbara for the nineteenth time, also going to voicemail.

She is in such a panic, such a rush that she doesn’t even close her car door when she parks in front of her house. Good neighborhood, anyway. She opens the door loudly, almost like she is trying to scare Barbara awake by acting like an intruder.

”Barbara!” She screams, but not a single noise stirs. “Barb!”

And to herself she is thinking, please. Please stay with me. Please do not make me kiss your bones when they are bleached and your flesh is gone.

Chapter Text

”Hey, Mel. I didn’t want to wake you. I know you’re asleep right now, I hope you have a good nights sleep as you always do. Look—I’m really sorry, Mel. I don’t know if I’m just hysterical right now or not but either way I—I can’t do this. I was thinking about Taylor and Paul and Gina and everyone and realized I wanted to talk to Gerald about everything, but I—I can’t. Mel, please. Please tell me everything will be alright, please just tell me I didn’t make a mistake every single time I went over and let you—“

(Hey, Mel. I didn’t want to wake you.)

She wakes up and the other side of the bed is cold. Not unusual, just annoying.

”Melissa?” Ava calls out gently, knows Melissa will remain a little raw and vulnerable for the rest of time. “You alive?”

She finds her on the balcony of her apartment, wearing pajama shorts, a shirt, with a light scarf draped around her. She’s definitely cold. She has to be.

”What’s bothering you this time?” Ava kisses her shoulder.

”Same thing as always. I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”

”That you’d be willing to stay in bed for a little and get some sleep. With me.”

Melissa chuckles. “Yeah, sure. Totally.”

She hugs her from behind, smells the smell in her red hair she can only describe as night. “I’m serious when I say you need sleep. I can see it when you work now.”

”Can the kids?”

”Possibly.”

”If it’s that close to being a no then I’m fine.”

”But you aren’t.” Ava tells her firmly. “This sucks ass, but it—it wasn’t your fault, Mel. You need to sleep.”

(I know you’re asleep right now, I hope you have a good nights sleep as you always do.)

She squeezes her eyes shut. “I can’t, Ava. Leave it be.”

She frowns. “You’ll kill yourself like this.”

”Better than it being anyone else.”

”You can’t blame yourself for this, please—“

Melissa pushes past her back inside. “You don’t fucking get it, Ava.”

”Pardon me for trying to help you.”

A violent, violent image in her mind. She remembers how Barbara looked when she found her, pale, ghostly, drained of life. She can’t even remember what surrounded her. Not very clearly, at least. The way a carnation’s petals fall comes to mind.

”It’s not helping, Ava. I know you want to say what helps, but nothing could ever help.” She tries to soften her voice. Doesn’t want Ava to think she is angry at her specifically. She is just angry and tired at the world now.

”Come to bed.” Ava whispers in her ear, hands dancing around her midriff.

”I’m…going to go home.” She slips on socks and grabs the few things she has left around the apartment.

”Do you want me to go on the couch? I really do want you to get some sleep, Mel.”

”It’s fine.”

”It’s still not.” She grabs her waist, stops her from reaching for the door. It’s so dark she can’t see Melissa’s face properly, but she knows she is starting to cry.

“I don’t need you seeing like this, let me go home.”

”Mel…” she sucks in some air. “I get it, I’m kind of a rebound, whatever. I need you to at least get some sleep before you go out and do anything stupid, though.”

”You aren’t a rebound.” She barks, face reddened and angry. “Nothing even fucking happened.”

“I’m not saying anything did.” Ava holds onto her regardless. “I’m fine with it, either way. Come on, please?”

A peck to her lips.

”Fine.” She grumbles but slumps against the couch. “Just take me to work tomorrow, will you?”

(Look—I’m really sorry, Mel.)

She has an earbud in as she looks out the window in the car, listening to The Voicemail on repeat. Was she really sorry?

”Whatcha listening to?” Ava asks.

”Music.” She responds flatly.

”I think being more open would help you feel better, don’t you think?” Ava fixes her gaze on Melissa at a stoplight.

”I’m very open.” Her eyebrows furrow. “And it isn’t your business.”

”I didn’t mean to sound bitchy. It’s just a thought, I hardly actually know anything about you.”

”You know enough, Ava.” Melissa grits her teeth and takes the earbud out. “Knowing hardly anything is enough.”

”I don’t like this, Mel. I…look, I wasn’t joking about the rebound thing. I know I’m someone to take your mind off of Barb and Gerald and everything, but at least let me do that. Let me take your mind off of it.”

She resumes The Voicemail to take her mind off of Ava.

(I don’t know if I’m just hysterical right now or not but either way I—I can’t do this.)

”It’ll be time for me to retire soon, won’t it?”

”Fuck, Mel, don’t do this to me.”

”Do what?” She tries sounding coy as she shuts the car door, but she’s pretty sure she’s failing. Pretty sure she just sounds bitter and miserable.

Ava doesn’t reach for her this time.

(I don’t know if I’m just hysterical right now or not but either way I—I can’t do this.)

Melissa had been sitting practically at the very front for the funeral. Wore a modest black dress and horrified expression throughout.

“Hey, Melissa.” Taylor sat next to her, even though her seat was a few seats down. She didn’t remember the last time they talked. Too uncomfortable.

”Hey, Tay.” She responded sweetly, tousling her neatly straightened hair. “How you feeling?”

”Well, not sure how to say anything about that.” Taylor laughed bitterly.

”Yeah.” Melissa said. “I’m sorry.”

There wasn’t such a deep feeling of despair that time. Just a bit of guilt pouring out amongst the people at the venue. She can’t figure it out. It was more unexpected, Barbara knew more people when she was alive.

Taylor looked through her phone as she sat. She was going to give a eulogy yet again.

Melissa had been asked to give one, too, but she had turned it down. It would destroy her to go up there, to tell everyone how Barbara had just been the best wife the Gerald, the best friend to her. Those would be lies she would be unable to spew, she thought. So she just let Taylor go up there to say what was actually true, to them, at least.

But it turns out Gina would be sitting next to her. Weird, she figured she would sit next to her sister of all people.

”Oh, didn’t know you’d sit here.” Melissa whispered, pleasantly surprised.

”Yeah, well, Paul and Taylor’s best friend are sitting next to her. Don’t wanna disturb them.”

”You’re their sister, I doubt it’d be much of a bother.”

A few people were starting to look at them funny for talking, yet both Melissa and Gina didn’t seem to care so much.

”We hardly know each other, anyway.”

Melissa chuckled a little, made even more funny looks directed at her. “The hell you mean hardly know her? Of course you know her.”

”Respectfully, she’s like a million years older than me.”

She blinked and just let her be. Sisters. She’ll learn.

The hymn sung is one different from when Gerald passed. It’s this slow, somber song saying how good it is to join the Lord in whatever heaven there might be, but Melissa can’t help but feel so bitter about it. Was it really worth it to join Gerald? Wouldn’t he have been angry when she got up there and he discovered the infidelity? The sin as he withered and died?

He can’t possibly be that forgiving of a guy, she thought.

”Let us bow our heads in prayer for Barbara Howard.”

Melissa bowed her head but didn’t actually pray in any way. Just thought about how stupid this entire thing is, revering Barbara and wishing her and Gerald up in heaven the best.

Total bullshit. Deep down she knew how Barbara loved her more, no doubt.

The minute and forty-seven seconds spent in silence meant the reality that this really was real finally had the chance to punch through Melissa’s skin. She pinches herself so she wouldn’t, not here.

Taylor was the only one that would give a eulogy, however. Melissa gulped because that meant if she accepted, that number would still only be two. Guess they just wanted to get the damn thing over with.

”My mother’s death was a tragedy we will not recover from.” Taylor’s voice was monotone, a dam that held back the emotion of losing both parents in the span of less than two years. “But when she was alive, she gave us memories we will not lose as well. All of us gathered here today knew her as a sweet, kind, strong woman that never persisted at anything she did. She touched the lives of all she met, and she touched my life, too. She was…all I could ask for in a mother. She showed me what it means to be a kind, faithful person, and I can only hope I am able to embody what she valued, because they were great things! She was incredible. I know every time I told her I love her and hugged her it was the best decision of my life. I would like to thank all of the family and friends that have come to honor her today. While her death was a…tragedy, it doesn’t change at all how invaluable she was to all of us. She was a loving mother, friend, wife—“

Melissa winced when Taylor looked her way when she said friend. It isn’t like that, she thought. Maybe for a little, but it wasn’t like that.

”—and we will spend our lives mourning her.” She bowed her head to show it was over.

”Beautiful.” She muttered under her breath.

There was a final hymn ready for the service, but people were already looking distracted by then.

She leaned to the side to whisper to Gina. “You hungry, kid?”

”Not really.” Gina replied flatly. “I might just go to my mom’s house so we can start packing her things…”

It sounded different when she said it. “What for?”

”We can’t keep their house up and functional, Melissa. Taylor’ll be doing the work to sell it.”

”Do you—“ she cleared her throat. “Do you guys need help packing it up?”

”Maybe in a couple of days. We can’t do the bulk of work because of life stuff and just getting the worst stuff out.”

Melissa gulped, knowing she knows the dirty stuff. The clothes, photos, the most intimate secrets.

”Yeah, of course.” She said as the people started trickling out. “Call me if you need anything, you know I live close by.”

“I will…” Gina glanced at Taylor and Paul. “They’re my ride, I should go.”

”See you…” Melissa said quietly as Gina didn’t wait up. “Later.”

She was one of the last ones left, staring at the photo of Barbara surrounded by flowers, candles, heartfelt notes.

”Hey, you know the place needs to be cleaned up, right?” Ava snorted and sat next to her in the pew.

”What, you staying to help?”

”No, I’m just happening to let you know.”

Melissa hung her head. “I just need some time.”

”Yeah, I know.” She patted her back. “You had anything to eat today?”

”No, actually.”

”You coming to work?”

Melissa sighed defeatedly. “Yeah, gotta keep my mind off of Barb for a while.”

”You wanna stay with me tonight? I doubt being alone is a good idea for you. I know you were always with Barbara after Gerald passed.”

”Fine.” Melissa crossed her arms.

”Relax, no motives.” Ava said. “I’ll give you a meal and a place to sleep where you’ll have a person to comfort you if you have a nightmare. Deal?”

”Deal.”

(I was thinking about Taylor and Paul and Gina and everyone and realized I wanted to talk to Gerald about everything, but I—I can’t.)

”Not the place I thought you’d go after another funeral, actually.” Ava creeps up behind Melissa.

”Hey!” She jumps. “Can I get some privacy here?!”

”Well, you’re at your best friend’s husband’s grave. I admit I’m a little worried you might die, too. Like a curse.”

”Curses don’t exist. This just happens to be an extraordinarily shitty circumstance.”

Ava shrugs. “Same fucking thing.”

Melissa purses her lips. “I just want you to give me some time alone, will you?”

Ava purses her lips. “Fine. Be back in twenty?”

”Perfect.” She says.

Ava walks back to the car, keeping a watchful eye on Melissa as she does so. It’s nice, she thinks. She didn’t think many people would care about her now that Barbara is gone.

”Hey, Gerald.” She sighs. “Been quite a while, hasn’t it?”

She taps her thighs with her fingers, almost like she’s expecting a response. She knows better, though.

”Look, everything has been…totally eating me alive, man.” She hangs her head. “Everything has been a fucking mess since you died. Shitty move, by the way.” A pause as she thinks about it, if a confession will relieve any pressure on her mind. “Barb and I were sleeping together. While you were alive. And married. But you’re gone now, and it didn’t matter but Barb is also gone now, too. So, yeah. I guess we’ve all made kind of shitty moves, man. I’m sorry, I guess. Whatever you’re doing in Heaven, don’t get mad at Barb, though. She’s…a good woman.”

She is begging, she realizes. She needs to stop begging, otherwise she’ll go as insane as if she didn’t say anything.

”Well—um…you also missed a lot, man.” She sighs. “Taylor and Paul…they’re doing fucking great, you know? They got a kid on the way, I think. Pretty early along. And Gina’s…Gina as always.” She finds herself smiling a little at the thought of them. “You’d be really proud of them, Gerald. You’ve raised really great kids.” She sniffles and wipes her eyes. “I’m…sorry. Again. Just…I want you to know that I’m going to try to pick up whatever pieces you might have left down here.”

She sits and watches his grave.

Gerald Howard. Father, son, friend, husband. She just purses her lips and sits and watches his grave.

”Thanks for everything, Gerald. Take care of Barb up there.”

It appears Ava is shockingly good at cooking, despite her constant and active disdain for the action. It smells good in her apartment, of roasting tomatoes and meats.

”You want it spicy or not?”

Melissa shrugs. “Whatever’s easier for you.”

”Not a real answer. It’s a yes or no.”

”Fine. Don’t make it spicy.”

Ava snorts. “Suit yourself.”

”No fair. You’re making it sound like a bad option, now.”

She chuckles. “I’m not. Although making it spicy is genuinely really nice.”

Melissa slumps against a couch that faces away from the kitchen and kicks off her socks. “How the hell do you do it, Ava? How do you seem so…fine?”

”Well, I don’t look it but I’m fucking heartbroken.” She says. “I would like to sit on the floor and fucking weep, but guess what? Not an option.”

Melissa throws her jacket across the room and unbuttons her pants, which Ava starts to notice.

Another snort, like it’s amusing. “The hell you doing, stripping in the middle of my fucking apartment?” She says it like it’s as casual as breathing.

”Who cares? It doesn’t matter, I’ll die anyway.”

”Don’t make me go to another funeral, now.” Ava slices into some of the meat to see if it is cooked. “You know I don’t have time for it at this dumb fucking age.”

Melissa throws her shirt behind her so it lands relatively close to Ava. “You wouldn’t really care, would you?”

”Of course I would, Mel.” Her gaze saddens.

”Cool!” Melissa exclaims a little too cheerfully. “Well, I’m sad. Please help me.”

”I wouldn’t know how.”

Melissa thinks about the last night she had with Barbara, the most perfect night.

”You could take me to your bed and fuck me so hard I pass out.”

Ava’s knife and fork clatter to the ground, narrowly missing her feet. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear you.”

”No, you did hear me. I am asking you take my mind off of this mess.”

Ava raises an eyebrow.

”What, do you not like women?” Melissa drawls. “Fine, then ignore everything I said.”

”I do, but…c’mon.” She crouches to pick up the fallen utensils. “That isn’t a fair request.”

”How come? I want it, now I can see if you want it. Kick me out if you don’t, I don’t care.”

“Well,” Ava wipes the knife off with a towel. “Let’s face the facts. I want you to feel good. You are grieving. You are grieving heavily. I doubt you’ve been clearheaded at all within the last year.”

”How badly would you like me to feel good? How badly do you want it?”

”Very, but you know how some situations are fucking complicated? This is one of those.” She says, not quite backing away.

Melissa stands up and peers behind her so she can only glance at Ava.

”Guess what? My head is clear and I know you can do as much for me as I need.”

Ava purses her lips. “You don’t at least want food first?”

”I don’t care.”

Ava turns the stove off and softly reaches for Melissa’s figure to pull her in, kiss her lips as her hands tremble. She is beautiful, Ava cannot deny that.

”No matter what happens you can’t be mad at me for this later.” Ava gulps.

”I won’t be.” Melissa fumbles with her clothes until they are both naked, until Ava’s chest presses against her body as she plants kisses on her sternum.

It feels wrong that she is not the one pleasuring. It feels wrong to rescind herself to this woman that is not Barbara Howard.

Ava is strong, carrying her with relative ease to lie in her bed, luxurious red pillowcases and sheets adorning the mattress.

(Mel, please.)

She holds her wrists down as her fingers graze her sensitive skin and tongue flicks across her torso.

Does Ava know? Does Ava know the exact way that Barbara had touched her when they still danced around together in the dark?

”Fuck, Ava.” Melissa groans as she starts to kiss in between her legs.

It is good. It is good, but it is not Barbara.

”You like that?” Ava taunts.

”Go a little faster.” She murmurs in hopes it will grow the disparity between her and Barbara.

Does she know? Does she know when they touched it was soft and slow, so much so it was impossibly tantalizing?

She listens, holding her thighs down so hard there are marks left each time her hips buck up into her mouth.

“Ava.” Melissa’s breath hitches as she speeds up more and more, digging her tongue into her. “God, Ava.”

It isn’t the same. It’s good, but not the thing that has made Melissa scream and pant and want to go until she would sob because of how good it is.

She whines, legs tensing up.

”Just relax, Mel. Just tell me you’re okay.”

”I am.” She gasps. “Keep going.”

Melissa throws her head back onto the pillow, sweating profusely. She bets the laundry load will be huge.

Her face tenses as she comes, like the pleasure doesn’t bring any sort of relief. She would prefer it if she just felt nothing, actually.

”Fuck.” Melissa relaxes. “God, that was…great.”

”You sound a little hesitant.”

”You really went at me there, at least give me a minute.” She tuts. “It was really good, Ava, I swear.”

”Okay…” she crawls up to her and wraps an arm around her. “Look, I know today wasn’t supposed to go like this—“

”You don’t have to apologize. This was good.”

She massages Melissa’s shoulders momentarily before sitting up. “I’m going to the bathroom, be right back?”

”Yeah.” She grunts.

”You should take a shower.”

”Thanks, I got it.” She says hazily.

Ava strokes her hair and leaves her to doze off in the bed.

(Please tell me everything will be alright, please just tell me I didn’t make a mistake every single time I went over and let you ravage me.)

Melissa finally works up the courage to ring the doorbell to Barbara’s home, knowing who she wants to answer her never will.

”Hey.” Gina answers, wearing a blue flannel and sweatpants, hair tied back neatly into a bun.

”Hey. Sorry it’s been so long.”

”It’s alright.” She says tiredly, eyes unfocused from exhaustion. “Um…do you want to come in?”

”Yes, sure.” Melissa steps in stiffly. “Is Taylor here?”

”She’s getting groceries. We won’t need much, I think. We should be done in maybe a day or two.”

”I should have come sooner, kid, I’m sorry—“

”It’s fine. I get it, it’s really hard.”

Melissa purses her lips and knows she will have to remain an asshole for now.

”Well?” She dusts her hands off. “What do you guys need help with?”

”Already? You don’t want any coffee or anything?”

“Listen, your mother was my best friend and I’ll do anything for her. One of these things is trying to make sure you two are alright, I suppose.”

Gina scoffs. “We’re grown.”

”To me, you’re kids.” She shrugs. “Come on, what’ve you got?”

Gina looks over at a door near the stairs. “We haven’t sorted through some of her things from when she was younger. Old photos, childhood toys, stuff like that.”

”I’ll start. Just relax, Gina. Take a nap.”

”I’m alright.” She gathers her hands neatly into her lap. “I’ll just…be there in a second.”

Melissa knows she should get it done fast, with how devastating it might be for her or Taylor to see their mother’s childhood photos. What the woman’s life had become since she was such an innocent child.

The light inside what could hardly even be considered a room, more a large closet, flickers from age and previous overuse. It’s dusty and some of the boxes are clearly some of Gerald’s old belongings Barbara never had the heart to clear out.

She picks up the first photo album she sees and her breath is immediately blown away at how it is Barbara looking right at her. Not the one she knew, of course. She’s younger, with hair braided tightly and thin, knobby kneed. This is a version of Barbara Howard she has never known before.

She stares at it as she sorts through, in a trance until the front door flings open.

Taylor.

She jumps and scurries out of the closet.

”Taylor!”

”Holy shit—!” Taylor almost loses her grip on the paper grocery bags she holds. “Melissa? What are you doing here?”

”Helping you two to pack everything up.”

”There’s no need.” She says coldly and sets the bags down.

”Tay—“ Gina stops her. “We could use the help. It’s not easy.”

Melissa can’t help but feel intimidated. Does she know something?

Taylor runs her fingers through her hair. “Mind leaving us alone for a little, Gina?”

She shrugs nonchalantly. “Fine. I’ll be upstairs.”

A beat, a pause. Melissa clenches her teeth in preparation to be berated.

”Why’d you only come here now?” Taylor says softly, anger still brimming behind her eyes. “You want something?”

”Yes, I’d like to help you. That’s what I want.”

”What if I don’t believe you?”

”You don’t have to, but I’ll still help you.” She tosses the photo album aside for the sisters to keep.

Taylor slumps down against a wall. “You came so late it’s almost useless for you to do anything. What’s the point, Melissa? What could we possibly give you?”

Melissa looks around the house, not as irritated as Taylor is looking for. “At least just one last look of this place.”

A huff. A pause.

”Were you…with my mom before it happened?” She asks softly, eyes dazed.

Melissa’s eyes widen.

”I’m not accusing you of murder or anything, but…were you?”

Melissa’s gaze softens. She sighs. “I was, Taylor. I was.” She supposes she has been in worse rounds of questioning than this.”

”Was she happy?”

“Well,” she scoffs. “No, not for a long time she hadn’t been, but that night?” She thinks about the cafe, the car ride, the laughter. “That night was the most perfect night I’ve ever had.”

”Oh.” Taylor says disappointedly.

”What’s with the long face?”

”Look,” she starts. “I haven’t exactly been a top five daughter, and I’m starting to think I could’ve stopped my mom if I’d been there.”

”No.” Melissa gasps. “God no, Taylor, this was not your fault at all.”

Taylor splays out on the floor before responding. Thankfully, the place has been cleaned up nicely enough. “We wouldn’t know. She’s gone.”

It’s my fault, Melissa thinks. Blame me.

”Kid…your dad had a huge toll on her and life was catching up to us. I tried caring for her every step of the way, but…I didn’t think we’d be here today either.”

”Thank you.” Taylor tells her.

”What for?” Melissa holds onto what appears is a childhood toy of Barbara’s, hardly listening.

”Giving her some of whatever happy moments she may have had before she died, obviously.”

(I’msorryIloveyou)

She purses her lips. “That was hardly me, kid. That was hardly me.”

”It was all you.” Taylor eyes the growing piles. One for storage or disposal, the other to keep in some way.

”Then I’d have to thank her for making life so fun while she was here.”

”I think you’ve done that enough.” Taylor takes one of the boxes from the disposal pile of random clothes that don’t particularly look like Barbara or Gerald’s. “You get stuff done fast.”

”There’s not much to sort through.” She holds the first photo album she picked up in her palms. It is weighty and leather-bound.

”You wanna keep that?” Taylor purses her lips.

”Oh, it’s yours, Taylor.” She hands it to her in a mild panic.

”I think it’d gather dust if we kept it.” Taylor skims through it quickly. “I’d rather you have it, you could have more use out of it than we ever will.”

Melissa nods, tucks the photo album under her arm. “Thanks.”

That version of Barbara she never knew flashes in her mind again.

”Do you want help getting all this stuff in your car or something?” Melissa gestures to the pile to throw away or store elsewhere.

”Nah, we got it.” Taylor props herself up on her elbows. “Thanks a lot for your help, Melissa.”

Melissa bites her bottom lip, guessing this might very well be the last time she would be in Barbara and Gerald Howard’s former residency.

She moves the photo album to be tucked under her other arm and reaches her other hand out to shake Taylor’s.

”You can always call me if you need anything, and I mean anything.”

Taylor looks at her a little sadly. “I’ll be sure to.”

“I miss her, too, kid.”

”I know.” Taylor says. “You gonna look at that album once you get home?”

Melissa looks down at it again. “Maybe just keep it around. You can let me know if you ever want a look at it.”

”I think I’ll pass.” She says bluntly, knowing the memories will not help her of all people. “But thanks.”

Gina rushes out of the door. “You guys didn’t tell me Melissa was leaving!”

”Sorry.” Taylor chuckles. “Got a bit wrapped up in the moment.”

”Yeah you did.” She huffs, frustrated.

”No need to be so angry about it. I live here, kid. I’m sticking around.”

Gina laughs like she said something funny. She doesn’t particularly recall. “Now that everything’s wrapped up, we might have to go back to where we came from in a couple of days.”

”Oh!” Melissa’s eyes widen. “Almost forgot about that.”

She almost wants them to ignore they have lives. She wants them to stay in the house and pretend everything is normal, at least for a little while longer.

”We’ll call if we’re ever back in town.” Gina tries to sound reassuring, but they all know it’ll be an extraordinary amount of time before they even fathom coming back.

Taylor unlocks her car and climbs into the driver’s seat.

”I’ll be there in a second!” Gina calls out and exhales deeply, still standing next to Melissa.

”You’re not going to help her?”

”I will.” She says. “Just…in a second.”

Melissa crosses her arms. “You’ll be okay. I can come back later today.”

”It doesn’t feel real.” She clenches her teeth. “Feels like friggin’ yesterday I was chatting with her about regular stuff.”

”Me too.”

She could have sworn just a minute ago they were in her bed together, leaving her to sleep peacefully until Barbara’s side of the bed went cold.

Taylor honks the horn to let Gina know they need to leave soon.

”Well?” She turns her head to Melissa. “How do you feel?”

She laughs so neither of them can tell if she is joking or not. ”Guilty.”