Archive of Our Own ^beta

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tristan woke up one morning, their stomach growling. they were the first awake and started to get breakfast ready for the team. they started to get up as they heard the sleeping bag next to them rustle. “benji..?”
benji groaned as he got up. “goodmorning…” he put his glasses on and they were tilted a bit to the right. tristan giggled and fixed them. “there we go.” benji blushed a bit as tristan walked out to get some breakfast, benji following close behind.

“who do you think got sent home?” benji looked up at tristan as he said that. “who’s the most reasonable?” tristian put their hand to their chin and thought…
benji stared at their eyes as they thought about who would have been sent home last night. “hmm… the weakest link… i’d say alessio. he didn’t *really* contribute to their team.” they put their hand down and looked at benji, noticing him staring as he looked away hurriedly.

they continued on their path to find food as they talked about yesterday, the elimination, and their dreams. they reached the part of their area where the fruit was. tristan sat down next to a bush and began to eat a few before motioning to benji, a signal for him to join them on the ground.

they gathered many berries to bring back to the team and as they walked back they heard the far away voices of their teammates. one that they recognized almost immediately, with a british accent, was talking with a female voice that they recognized as jade.
was spencer… blushing? who knows? could’ve just been the light form the sunrise… benji and tristan reached the camp with the berries to see that zaid and ivy went to find bigger fruits to eat. as they ate, the whole team became enraptured in the topic that was last night’s elimination. however, they had to be quiet because diego was still sleeping.

as they talked, tristan noticed spencer looking at diego sleeping. tristan thought about why he would do that and zoned out. they are knocked out of their trance as they felt a hand on their shoulder.

benji looked at them with concern as he said “what’s wrong? are you alright?” tristan was a bit confused at first but then realized what he was getting at. “oh, i’m fine! thank you benji…” the exchange ended, but benji’s hand still rested on tristan’s shoulder. could he feel bumps..? he didn’t pay much attention to it.
his hand slowly went over to their other shoulder and he wrapped his arm around them. tristan tried to think straight. they could feel their face burning up and their limbs becoming weaker. tristan couldn’t even focus on what people were saying.

zaid and ivy finally returned and ivy gave tristan a knowing look and zaid looked at benji with a “uhh what are you doing” look. benji got embarrassed and put his arm down while ivy sat next to tristian and zaid sat between benji and tristian. weird.

the conversation ended as diego walked out of the shelter and sat next to spencer. after that, it seemed like the conversations had broken up into small ones with 2 or 3 people talking to each other. tristan got up, being one of the only ones not talking to anyone. noticing how cold it was, they were going to get wood for a fire. they walked alone into the woods to search for sticks that weren’t wet or damp.

they thought they were alone, but they heard a crinkle behind them as they were breaking a branch off a half-dead tree. they were startled when they saw it was benji. “h-hey” their breathing was heavy from the sudden rush of adrenaline. benji responded scratching the back of his neck, “hi.” there was a silence… then, “why did you leave?” benji looked up at tristan.
tristan held up the branches they are holding, “gathering wood for the fire… i thought it’d be good.” they chuckled nervously as they let their hands rest back at their sides. “why did you leave, then?” the goth tilted their head.

“i dont know, really… i just don’t like…” benji stopped. tristan looked at him straight and had a curious look. “it’s ok, you can tell me… i-if you want, of course!” benji sighed. “i don’t really like being alone, you know? like, i think that i’m alone physically… then i’m alone mentally.” benji closed his eyes, waiting to get ridiculed by tristan.

however, he only heard the dropping of wood, followed by a hand on his shoulder that was pulling him in for a hug. benji was surprised but melted into their touch. they pulled away and still gripped benji by the shoulders.

“i’m happy you felt like you could tell me. and… you shouldn’t be embarrassed about that. it’s how you feel and you shouldn’t change how you feel.” benji looked at them with a calm smile. tristan put their arms down and picked up the wood they dropped with their right hand and wrapped their left hand around their right wrist. they walked back to camp together talking. talking about whatever’s happened and what they want the other to know. *all but one thing.*

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they all made their way to the challenge where they saw everyone but allesio. tristan gave benji a goofy look and then started to pay attention when trevor and derek explained the challenge.

as red team made their way onto the train, tristan had to help benji up onto the train because he was struggling to get up there. zaid and ivy looked at them with an odd expression.

as they knew it, the challenge started and amelie was first. then zaid and ivy. benji was the next one to go up and once emily brought out his cosplays, he felt like could sink into the ground. everyone laughing at them. at *him*.

he could feel a hand on his shoulder, only to look back to see tristan there. they flashed a soft smile and benji smiled back. just as fast as it started, his challenge was over. the next was jade, and then there was tristan.
they walked up to emily very confidently. emily said, “truth or dare?” tristan was going to choose truth, they had always chosen truth but something made them choose dare. “i chose dare.”

emily read the card, her expression undefineable. it seemed as though she didn’t want to say it. “do we really have to do this?” emily whispered to a camera which she knew the hosts were looking at. emily took a deep breath a read, “tristan, i dare you to… show your scars to everyone. i’m sorry.” emily put her head down.
tristan was seemingly frozen in place. tristan had asked, “which ones?”, which shouldn’t have been asked. “the ones on your arms. i’m sorry, i can’t change anything.” after 10 seconds they wrapped their hands around their torso and turned around to meet their team. all they saw was worried faces. tristan took a deep breath.
they pushed up their sleeves and just before they would show them, a voice came from the crowd that was the red team. “you don’t have to do this, tristan. you don’t.” it was benji. “it’s what i have to do. taking one for the team, right?”

benji turned around, not looking at tristan showing their self-harm scars. the goth flipped their arms over showing the scars, being created for many years. they rolled up their sleeves all the way to show the scars on their shoulders.

tristan looked down, the embarrassment overcoming them. the blue team entered their cart and saw what was going on. tristan rolled their sleeve down in a hurry and looked at emily. “did i pass..?” tristan’s voice was breaking as they spoke.

“yes. you did.” the red team entered their next cart and tristan stayed silent for the last 2 carts, diego and spencer. when the blue team finished before red team tristan felt a wave of defeat and shame.

the walk back from the challenge was a struggle. with everything that was revealed, along with the loss by the red team. they reached the camp and tristan immediately sat down by the fire to get it started. the red team got the hint that they wanted to be left alone because of what happened at the challenge.

after what felt like years, they all walked to elimination. a vote of 5 to 3, amalie was voted out. hannah was talking to her about something, but tristan really payed attention to the smug look that spencer had on his face.

they said their goodbyes and the rest of red team returned to their camp. everyone started to get ready for bed. as benji changed, he realized he hasn’t seen tristan back at the camp since the elimination. once he got his shoes on, he went around trying to find them. they asked all of the campers, but all they responded with was “i don’t know”.

benji started to panic now. he was worried they ran off and were now lost deep into the forest. he let everyone know where he was of to, then went on the journey to find th- *his* goth.

tristan managed to slip away as everyone began to get ready for bed. they started to walk. and they didn’t stop. they thought that if they left, nobody would come to them. nobody would come to try to tell them how much of a freak they were. nobody wou-

“tristan..?” benji was out of breath as he ran up to tristan. tristan had now realized they were curled up under a tree, their head in their knees, sobbing. “are you alright?” benji got to their level, on his knees to the right of tristan looking into their eyes.

tristan sighed. “i-i don’t know…” their voice was breaking. “i just… feel like a freak.” the goth pulled their knees closer to their chest. tristan felt a hand on their left cheek. “why?”

*”why?”*

tristan seemed to have pulled up a list in their mind. “my scars are hideous, not to mention that it’s just a reminder of *everything*…” they began to list many other things, but that the last stood out to benji. “and the outside doesn’t necessarily *match* the inside.”
benji put both of his hands on tristan’s face now. “come on, tris, don’t say that.” he wiped off their tears with his thumbs. “i think…” benji’s face flushed. “i think you’re perfect.” benji turned his face, attempting to hide it.
“really..?” tristan’s arms loosened around their legs. benji looked at tristan, his face practically glowing. “*really.*” tristan started to tear up. they put their arms around benji’s neck.

benji’s heart began to race. his eyes started to glide to their lips. he managed to bring his eyes back, realizing he was supposed to be comforting tristan. “thank you… for turning away.” benji nodded. “no problem. i didn’t want to look.” tristan smiled a bit. benji’s hands went down from the goth’s cheeks to their neck.

after gazing into the other’s eyes, they let go of each other and benji sat shoulder to shoulder with tristan. they just talked. about anything… until there was a sudden silence. “how long… have you…?” benji looked up at tristan from a twig he was fiddling with. tristan sighed, “i don’t know, man.” tristan pulled down their left sleeve and looked down at their scars, letting their fingers go over the pale bumps.

their fingers set on an area overlapping with scars. “i was young. 7th grade..? i can’t remember.” tristan tried to divert the conversation to benji’s life. tristan wanted to know more about him. tristan had been taking a liking to him. could it have been.. *romantic?* they didn’t know. “what about you?” tristan pulled down their sleeve and looked at benji.

“what do you have?” tristan said it like a joke, but they weren’t really joking. benji became focused on the twig he had in his hand. “my parents… have never been the most accepting. i’m the failure of our family, never been good at anything.” tristan’s head tuned a bit.
tristan responded, “guess we have something in common.” benji looked up from the twig. benji grabbed the side of tristan’s face, releasing the twig which dropped to the ground. tristan grabbed benji’s hip and pulled him closer to their body.

Chapter Text

“can i… kiss you?”

tristan looked at benji’s lips, waiting for his response. benji could feel himself burning up. he nodded. suddenly, the space between their faces was so small they could feel benji’s breath. benji closed that tiny distance and their lips met.

at first, only their lips were touching. but when tristan pulled away, they realized that neither of them could breathe. they took a minute to breathe, then went back into a kiss. after a bit, tristan’s lips parted, making a gateway for their tounge and touched benji’s lips.

benji’s lips parted aswell, letting tristan’s tongue in. at first, it was odd to have another tounge in his mouth. their tounges danced around each other. after 2 solid minutes of making out, they forgot that they needed air. they could feel each other’s breath against one another. they leaned their forehead against each others and no-

*snap*

benji heard a snap behind him and he immediately turned around to see who it was. to his surprise, it was only a deer. benji sighed in relief. “whew…” tristan spoke, out of breath, “i thought it was someone on the team” they giggled.

benji turned back to a face he had now realized he’d fallen in love with. he had never fallen in love, was this what it was like? “i like you, benji. a *lot*” benji’s face flushed, and suddenly, the goth got nervous. benji responded,,“i-i..”. tristan giggled, “it’s alright… take your time…” tristan’s grip on benji’s hip grew tighter, but more comforting as well.

“i do too…” benji’s hand rose to meet tristan’s hair. tristan melted into the tough and pressed into it. their minds were now in sync, they had both gone in for another kiss at the same time. as they started to make out, their bodies became closer. tristan explored benji’s mouth, touching every tooth, gum, and side of his mouth.

benji had been holding down moans, however he had let one slip as tristan disconnected their mouths to bite his lip. tristan chuckled and stopped biting. a smile crept up on tristan’s lips as benji’s face began to burn up just as it was cooling down. “sorry” benji looked embarrassed, “i didn’t mean to”

“it’s alright!! i don’t judge.” they began to talk again. about anything. they talked for hours.

“TRISTAN!? BENJII!!!!”

they heard hannah and diego searching for them. “what’s going on..?” benji raised his head from tristan’s shoulder, “is that hannah?”

“i think…” tristan srached their head. benji spoke, “should we go back? i mean… they *are* searching for us…” tristan’s expression became very solemn with a bit of embarrassment. “i-i don’t know, man. just…” they sighed and shook their head, “don’t want them to see me as a freak.”

“if they saw you as a freak, would they be screaming for you to come back to camp?” tristan nodded and benji helped them up. as they started to walk back, tristan asked a question, “can we have one last kiss..? before we go back to camp?” benji’s eyes gravitated practically leaped into tristan’s arms and kissed them. they couldn’t think of anythi-

“WHAT..?!” the lovebirds broke apart as they heard hannah behind tristan. “…h-heyyy… hannah.. what’cha doing..?” tristan’s palms became suddenly so sweaty. “the REAL question is what where YOU GUYS doing?!? you have been gone for HOURS.” Diego arrived next to hannah. Tristan looked down and put their arms behind their back, trying to make them forget what the sleeves covered.

“Well..?” hannah was obviously just worried about them. hannah sighed, “at least yall are ok… it’s late. let’s go to bed.” tristan was happy that hannah and diego hadn’t brought up their scars. on the way back to camp, benji grabbed tristan’s hand, grasping it tightly to comfort them.

making it back, they saw the red team gathered around the fire. tristan muttered, “shit…” the team looked at each other, and finally someone spoke up.

“hey. um… tristan,” jade began to talk, “we just wanted to say how much we are proud of you for facing your fear today. it’s not easy to just *do* something like that.” tristan was going to say something, but the words got caught in their throat. diego spoke up, “and we feel… bad for letting you just do that… and us *not* winning.”

tristan finally spoke, “guys- it’s really alright. just… don’t mention it…” they said it as if they did a favor for them. benji grabbed their hand, “tristan. we just wanted to say how we appreciate what you did. not everyone could show self-harm scars. *you are brave.*” benji looked into tristan’s eyes that were now welling up with tears once again.

they pushed everything down and stood up, “i understand, i just don’t want it to become a big deal.” they left and got ready for bed.

they crawled into their sleeping bag that was next to benji’s. they started do drift off, but they felt and heard benji getting into his own bag. “goodnight, tristan…” they peeled their eyes open to see benji gazing sadly at their scars. once benji was caught, he turned his head away and got fully into the bag.

benji turned towards tristan to talk to them to go to bed. “hey…” tristan looked at them confused, “what’s going on?” benji responded, “nothing” he chuckled lightly “i’m just happy i met you…”

they talked for hours. so many hours. their connection felt so strong and neither of them wanted to fall asleep.
“you’re *really* funny, benji…” tristan blushes a bit. “thanks. i try to be.” “can i kiss you again?” they sat up. “you don’t have to ask, you know?” benji leaned in and kissed them lightly.

“goodnight, benji.”

“goodnight, tristan”