Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chanhee hated being Youngkyun's friend. 

On his phone, Youngkyun made up more than half of his silenced notifications. The older boy was also the type to call rather than text. Whenever his familiar number lights up Chanhee's phone, the younger man sighs, closes his eyes and picks whatever option his finger happens to fall on. More often that not, he's caught with his phone somewhere within earshot as he repeatedly bangs his head against the nearest surface to the sound of Youngkyun's voice. 

Chanhee really hated being Youngkyun's friend. 

Whether that was because he had to listen to Youngkyun's drunken rants anytime Taeyang stepped a foot wrong, watching as the timer on his call screen ticked past the hour mark, or because it reminded him that they weren't anything more. 

Just friends. 

__

Chanhee sits in his chair, one arm propped up against the armrest as his hand is busy massaging the raging headache that grows worse and worse the longer time goes on. Youngkyun is sat cross-legged on his bed in his dirty outside clothes, complaining about whatever residual frustration his gym workout didn't get out of him. It sounds worse this time though, much worse than any other time Youngkyun had come crawling to Chanhee for company. 

Something about Taeyang being dismissive of him, something about Taeyang not valuing him. It's these kind of insights that Youngkyun bring to Chanhee that make the younger man not believe in love. They seem better off breaking up if it was going to be like this for the rest of their lives. This kind of headache was one Chanhee never wanted to find himself having. But on the other hand, he'd rather cut out his own heart from his chest than turn out anything like Jaeyoon and Inseong. Maybe he was just bitter. Because everyone he did love would end up leaving him, one by one. 

Youngkyun's voice drags him back out from his thoughts. He's riling himself up as he talks in circles around the missing sun, "And what makes him that I'll just wait on him? Just because he's so perfect and amazing, he can play around with anyone he wants? Well he's wrong. He's not the only one who can find someone else too!" 

Youngkyun stands with some renewed determination he's talked himself into. His fake bravado will last about as long as it takes for him to exit Chanhee's apartment, right before he spends the next hour crying on the floor in a pathetic heap. 

Chanhee watches him go, happy to have his peace back but Youngkyun's words seem to be harder to shake off, stuck to his brain like bubblegum moulded against the indents of his shoe. No matter how hard he scrapes, he can't seem to manage to get it all cleaned up. His hand falls to his chest, across the ring strung onto a chain, protruding underneath his shirt. Youngkyun had given the ring to him as a birthday present years ago. Jokingly, Chanhee said that he'd wear Youngkyun's ring until he found someone more precious than Youngkyun. Now, Chanhee still wore it close to his heart and Youngkyun wore a ring from another man. 

He's not the only one who can find someone else. 

__

Chanhee's mind begins to think dangerous thoughts. 

His memories begin to pull from their past of when it was only the two of them. When neither of them knew what they were doing but Youngkyun let Chanhee take his hand and lead him through anything. Chanhee had been taking care of others all his life, he'd been his own man for far longer than anyone else. And even though God had smite him by making him the youngest in his friend group, it was only natural for Youngkyun to give way to Chanhee and his whims, handing over the reins and letting him take control. 

They had fooled around together when they were younger. When it all meant nothing other than a bit of fun and a way to pass the time. A lot of firsts for the both of them were given by the other. It wasn't ever anything serious though. At least not for Chanhee. He couldn't give that to Youngkyun no matter how much the older man waited on him with those pathetic puppy dog eyes to return his affections. 

He had liked it. The attention Youngkyun gave him. How he had let himself be at the mercy of another man and went with anything Chanhee wanted just because he needed someone else's heat. The late nights they spent together, pressed against each other from end to end, chasing pleasure as they tried to keep quiet to avoid waking up the older members. But Youngkyun with his big mouth wasn't ever very good at that. Always loud and pitchy as he whined for his hyung. 

Taeyang hyung... 

Chanhee wants to stick a knife in his ears when he hears Youngkyun's voice whine drunkenly against his ear. He's ready to hang up when Youngkyun speaks again. 

Taeyang hyung you bastard. 

It was interesting to hear where Youngkyun's heart finally drew the line. To learn that even his doting had limits. He'd given his everything the moment he and Taeyang began to date. Fallen to his knees and offered his heart on a silver platter for Taeyang to do away with. Love was like that for him. It made him reckless and left him empty when Taeyang threw it all away. 

Hyung...

Youngkyun's voice trembles into the receiver, like he's on the brink of tears. He's pretty when he cries. When his lashes are stuck to his eyelids by the wet of his tears and the moonlight-reflecting pools in his eyes look at Chanhee with something that makes him want to drown in them. 

Youngkyun was somewhere, lonely and needy. 

And Chanhee wanted him back. 

__

There's a bar near the old apartments where they all use to live. It's a bit run down and the food was minimal but the drinks were cheap. They also served a particular plum wine Youngkyun liked. He was a regular there, and that made Chanhee one too back when they both had time for each other. Now it's just Youngkyun who goes there, mostly alone and whenever he wanted to get away from Taeyang. Chanhee is all too happy to keep their little hideaway a secret, his knowledge coming at a high price anytime Taeyang comes asking if he knows where his troublesome boyfriend has scurried off to. 

Taeyang knew nothing, whilst Chanhee knew too much. 

By the time he makes it to the entrance of the bar, Youngkyun is already leaving. He's held up by a man on either side of him with his head tilted back towards the sky and his eyes barely open. Jaeyoon and Inseong come to a stop when they lock eyes with Chanhee. 

"Leave him with me." 

They give each other a look, one that Chanhee scoffs at. Jaeyoon is dressed to the nines, with gel in his hair and his trousers pressed at the seams. His leather shoes are clean enough for Chanhee to see his reflection in the shine of them. Inseong had his lips lined with rouge and the top button of his shirt undone, a thing his most prudish friend did when he was feeling flirtatious. It was clear that the two lovers were on some kind of fancy date night before they needed to come over to help Youngkyun. It must have been hilarious to them, to see such a sad sight and revel in the knowledge that their relationship would never stoop to such a low point.

It must be so easy to be sickeningly in love, Chanhee thinks bitterly. 

"Where are you going to take him? Back to his empty apartment? Or to yours? Can you guys even keep your hands off each other long enough to not make him feel like shit?"  

"Chanhee.." 

He pulls Youngkyun to him, the weight of his drunken body hot and heavy against him as his face lands over his shoulder. Inseong's hands fidget nervously, twitching to hold onto something that wasn't there anymore. He bites as his bottom lip and looks to Jaeyoon for help but his boyfriend is at the same loss for words. Chanhee looks between them, the bitterness swirling in his stomach, mixing with acid and rising up his throat to spit at them. He knows what they say about him. That he wasn't any good for Youngkyun. He wonders if they say the same about Taeyang or if it was just him they didn't like. 

Without another word, Chanhee takes Youngkyun away from his friends. He dumps the older man into the passenger side of his car, before getting into the driver's seat and driving them both back to his apartment. In his peripherals, he watches as Youngkyun fades in and out of consciousness, sometimes shifting in his seat and other times letting his body do as it wished without his input. His forehead is pressed against the window, staring out waywardly at the passing street lights before it starts to hurt his eyes. He turns to Chanhee.

"Where are you taking me?" 

"My apartment." 

Youngkyun shakes his head in protest as a petulant child would. Chanhee spares him a glance, clocking the print on the black t-shirt he's wearing as some egregious amalgamation of kittens and lightning. He turns back to the road, rolling his eyes at the stupid things his friend wears that only Youngkyun could ever wear. An outfit so undeniably him now that he wasn't trying to impress Taeyang. 

The rest of the drive was done in silence with Youngkyun promptly passing out in his seat. Chanhee parks his car, and hauls his friend out and up into his apartment. He unceremoniously dumps Youngkyun onto his couch, rousing him back to consciousness as the older man groans into the cushions. With great effort, Youngkyun heaves himself onto his back, his arms falling across his stomach as he tries to get comfortable. The lights on the ceiling were too bright, his head hurts and his heart even more so. And then Chanhee comes back around and throws a glass of cold water onto him. 

"Ya-ah! You bastard!" Youngkyun jerks up from the couch, spitting out water and wiping his face. 

"Go shower, you reek." 

Youngkyun curses at him a few more times but nonetheless drags himself to his feet and storms off towards the bathroom. A while later, he re-emerges, treading water all over Chanhee's clean floors and a whole of a lot more sober as he asks to borrow some of Chanhee's clothes. The younger man is leant over the kitchen island but straightens when he sees Youngkyun come back into the living room with a towel wrapped around his waist and a smaller one drying his hair. It's natural that as they've both grown older, their bodies and physiques changed since they first came to know each other. But truly, Youngkyun's body was impeccable and Chanhee couldn't deny that as he selfishly rakes his eyes over the muscle definition of Youngkyun's abs and pecs. Chanhee wasn't usually one to succumb to his desires but right now he wanted to eat Youngkyun whole. He catches himself staring too hard and forces himself to look away but his body was filling with punishing arousal that made him want to do things he will regret. 

 Cautiously, he glances back at his friend who was still drying his hair and waiting on an answer. He thinks about his options carefully before throwing it all out the window and setting himself on a destructive war path that would not end well for him. 

"Do you want to get back at Taeyang?" 

The question has Youngkyun's gaze snapping up toward Chanhee, turning him into Pavlov's dog at the mere mention of his boyfriend's name. Chanhee eyes him up and down in his pathetic state, and his resolve only hardens. He walks over to Youngkyun, taking the towel in his hand and throwing it away. 

"I'll help you." 

"What do you get out of it?" Youngkyun questions, still skeptical. 

Chanhee can think of a few things. From the beginning, it should have been him. Taeyang had been an outsider, a pretty new thing that love bombed Youngkyun until the other man couldn't see the edge of the cliff he was leading him towards. With the face of a gentleman, he could fool everyone around him. Everyone except Chanhee. He could see straight through the princely façade and knew that all he wanted was Youngkyun's undying affection. To stroke his ego the very same way Chanhee had let Youngkyun do for so many years. The only difference was Chanhee was transparent about it and that made him the bad guy. Taeyang was willing to put a front of exclusivity on it, betting on their matching rings as an empty symbol that frustratingly meant the world to a stupid romantic like Youngkyun. 

Retribution, revenge, closure. Any of it, all of it. But most importantly of all, his mind supplies one thing right at the forefront. 

You back to me.

"A good fuck." 

Youngkyun chews at his bottom lip as he thinks about it. Was he really going to live his life underneath Taeyang's thumb? At the beck and call of another man who can't spare even a glance at him these days, Chanhee thought the answer would be obvious. But he can see warring states within Youngkyun and is only disappointed to learn his previous bravado really was just for show. Chanhee wants to ask if he really couldn't forget about the other man for just a second. Was Youngkyun not the one who suggested that they break up? 

In the end, Youngkyun isn't anything without Taeyang. A free man still hanging onto his cut strings. 

Tired of waiting for an answer, Chanhee pulls Youngkyun towards him and kisses him. It's wet and unco-ordinated, just like when they were younger. But the want and need for each other was still there, it hasn't changed in the slightest when Youngkyun moans softly against his lips. For too long, Youngkyun sat in the Garden of Eden as the forbidden fruit. Ripened and waiting, admired but never touched. Begging and yearning to be taken whole, but Taeyang wouldn't even take a bite.

Such precious fruit was made to be consumed lest it rot away. So Chanhee feasted. He devoured Youngkyun's lips and swallowed his pleads until saliva dripped down his chin in overwhelming bouts. He took Yongkyun in handfuls by his hair and his waist, pulled him back to where he belonged, with him. 

Youngkyun pulls away first, panting heavily with spit-stained lips and a heavy flush across his cheeks. 

"You're taking advantage of me." He accuses but doesn't back away far enough to stop Chanhee. 

"I wouldn't be able to if you weren't such an easy slut." 

And Youngkyun has got nothing to say because Chanhee was right.

Youngkyun is easy as he lets Chanhee throw him onto his bed and he's easy when Chanhee climbs on top of him, pins him down by his wrists and kisses him like he has a claim to the man beneath him. Youngkyun is a moaning mess in seconds, touch-starved and needy as he pleads against Chanhee's lips for more, desperately grinding against the younger for any friction.

And to think he would have let himself waste away, clinging onto the hope that Taeyang would still take him. How selfish of Taeyang to keep such a willing thing all to himself, only to not even take what Youngkyun offered so eagerly. 

Chanhee could fix that though. Youngkyun was his first anyways and as for Chanhee, well, he had always been quite selfish. 

He opens Youngkyun up easily as the man beneath him whimpers into his forearm and raises his hips to meet Chanhee's persistent fingers. His thick digits slide in and out as they prep him and the wet sounds of Youngkyun's hole around them were absolutely sinful. Youngkyun shakes and quivers under his touch, and Chanhee is reminded of how much Youngkyun had always liked his fingers. The way he would beg for Chanhee to stick them in his mouth as his tongue lapped at them, or wrap them around his throat and squeeze until Youngkyun could see a static-white heaven. Something about being completely dominated did it for Youngkyun, and he had been ashamed of it at first until Chanhee managed to draw it out of him and told him it was fine. It worked too well for the both of them, Youngkyun needed to be held down and fucked within an inch of his life, and Chanhee with his unchecked ego was always happy to oblige. 

After a while, he slides his fingers out of Youngkyun's inviting hole and replaces it with his cock. When Chanhee sinks inside, it felt like coming home. The warmth of Youngkyun moulds itself around the contours of Chanhee's thick cock, welcoming it back after so fucking long. Chanhee lets out a deep sigh as he bottoms out, watching the way Youngkyun's face twitches as he's stretched so deeply. A hand comes around Youngkyun's neck, the index finger running along the length of it until it straightens out under Youngkyun's chin. 

"Hah...hyung-" 

That word that Chanhee loved to hear is called out by Youngkyun. Chanhee spent countless nights with Youngkyun in his bed chasing it, bending him over and putting him on all fours just to hear Youngkyun beg and moan desperately for his hyung. It turned him on so much when it came from between Youngkyun's lips, breathy and pathetic, his cock twitching in excitement at the thought of it coming again and again as he drilled into the fucked out body beneath him. Youngkyun was the only one who would entertain his desires and it drove Chanhee to near madness.

Chanhee slows to grab at Youngkyun's hips, pulling him closer to him as the other man spreads his legs invitingly. Youngkyun watches him, his gaze coming over him like a smothering wildfire, clouded with lust and need. His eyes follow as Chanhee's fingers take the ring around his neck and holds it between his lips. He leans forward, his cock sinking deeper into Youngkyun as he does so and the moan Youngkyun lets out is swallowed down by Chanhee's lips. Their tongues dance around the metal, the taste of their past sitting heavy on the tip of it. And Chanhee hates to admit it but he was no better than Youngkyun. A man holding onto an empty promise. 

It should have been me. 

Those dangerous thoughts begin to come back to Chanhee again. 

Back then, they fucked like rabbits. Sex was an easy past time and almost anything was a good excuse to have it. If it was too hot, if it was too cold, if they got scolded too harshly or if they were bored. They were stupid and horny, Youngkyun more so than Chanhee. He said too many things that never meant anything to Chanhee. Until one night where Youngkyun was pressed against his back, sweat still clinging to their bare, heated skin as the rotating fan did fuck all to cool them down in the oppressive summer heat. Chanhee was wide awake, too hot to fall asleep and the warmth of Youngkyun's body wasn't helping. He was debating whether or not to kick him away when Youngkyun's lips murmur against his back. 

"Chanhee, I like you." 

The heat must have melted his brain because Chanhee couldn't think of any acceptable reaction as Youngkyun's confession begins to demand the attention of his apathetic heart. This thing between them was meant to be easy. Stolen kisses in the back of the car and a quick blow job against the door of the storage closet. It was just meant to be an escape from everything that burdened them, so why did Youngkyun have to make things difficult with his affections? 

"Chanhee? Did you hear what I said? Are you asleep?" 

Youngkyun lifts his head up to check on the younger man beside him and Chanhee closes his eyes to feign sleep as he didn't want to confront his own feelings. Looking back now, it was Chanhee's only mistake and his biggest regret. The very next day, a boy with dark hair and long, pretty fingers introduced himself to Youngkyun, and Chanhee lost the only man he's ever loved. 

He thought he could forget it - the ache inside his heart that splinters each and every time he hears Youngkyun's voice calling his name. But now Youngkyun calls his name differently. With want and with need as he begs him for more, to fuck him harder and deeper until Youngkyun forgets about anyone else other than him. With their bodies molded together, Chanhee, who was watching Youngkyun's tear-stricken face stretch in overwhelming bouts of pleasure and pain, had no intention of letting him go again. 

I want you and by that alone, should mean I get to have you. Not him. 

Chanhee makes him take his cock from root to tip, making sure to stuff Youngkyun full so he doesn't have space for anyone else. Youngkyun cries out each time Chanhee thrusts back into him, wailing for hyung to 'stop', 'wait' or 'go faster'. Chanhee mocks him, imitating his moans with every thrust in as he fucks Youngkyun stupid.

Youngkyun had always been loud, with a mouth that speaks before his brain could think. He spoke candidly and cursed often, which leads to many arguements and the stray impromptu confession in the middle of a scorching summer night. Chanhee found it endearing as much as he found it annoying. 

But Taeyang subdued him, forced him into a mold that couldn't contain Youngkyun and turned him into some bland piece of jewellery he couldn't be bothered to take care of. Chanhee hated him for that. He loved Youngkyun as imperfect as he was. 

Forget him. Forget him and let the traces of my body embrace you instead. 

When Youngkyun's hand comes down to tap desperately at his thigh, Chanhee stops teasing and begins to fuck him properly. He takes Youngkyun's hand and pins it above his head, using his grip around his wrist as leverage to continuously drive his cock into the man beneath him. Youngkyun begins to slur his pleads every time Chanhee's hips press flushed against his ass, drooling all over himself as his throbbing cock ached, raw, red and oh-so-ready. The wet sound of moaning fills the heavy air between them and the thwack of Chanhee's necklace swinging just above Youngkyun's eyeline in time with his thrusts turns his vision starry-white. At Youngkyun's urging, Chanhee only increases his speed, his thrusts turning animalistic as he chases his own impending release and his former feelings. His hands stretch, slotting his fingers through the gaps of Youngkyun's and holding him the way he should have years ago. In an act of pettiness and sedimented jealousy, he flicks off the tiny silver ring around Youngkyun's finger until it falls between the gaps of the headboard.

If only he had said something that night, maybe then Youngkyun wouldn't have so recklessly promised himself to another man. 

You were meant to be mine. 

Youngkyun manages to break free of Chanhee's hold around his hands, wrapping his arms around the younger's broad back and raking his nails down the tanned skin as Chanhee hits his prostate again and again with a dizzying accuracy. Youngkyun is screaming his name as his release draws closer, only interrupted by Chanhee's relentless thrusts. He was completely at Chanhee's mercy as the younger man takes his ankles and nearly bends him in half to fuck deeper into him. 

It wasn't fair for Chanhee to only have Youngkyun through midnight calls. When his friend's sleep-ladened voice crackles into the receiver and the white noise of it all becomes somewhat of a comforting thing to Chanhee. They talk, well Youngkyun talks, until the line goes dead on one of their side, the exhaustion eventually getting to someone first and the another not too far behind. Maybe one day, through that garbled frequency, Chanhee's true feelings could reach him too. 

"Young..kyun," 

I love you. 

Chanhee's fingers tighten around Youngkyun's neck as though it would keep the words in his mouth from spilling. He speeds up impossibly faster as though he could confess his sins through the drive of his cock into his best friend. He had loved Youngkyun, he had always loved Youngkyun. And right now, Youngkyun was his. He leans forward to take Youngkyun's lips, mouthing at his precious moans as Youngkyun's tight heat engulfs him. Youngkyun can barely kiss him properly, panting into his mouth as his tongue sloppily clashes with Chanhee's. He lets himself get lost in all the pleasure, lets it overtake his inhibitions as he cums inside Youngkyun with an aborted groan. He doesn't stop fucking Youngkyun, snapping his hips and painting his insides white as though staking his claim. 

Now filled with Chanhee, Youngkyun becomes more desperate for his own release. He's pushing his ass back onto Chanhee as his hand comes to furiously stroke at his own cock, left throbbing and unattended against his stomach for too long. Chanhee's hand around his neck press just a bit harder, setting his oesophagus on fire and it's enough to have him arching his back off the bed. He tightens around Chanhee, almost suffocatingly so, as he reaches his peak and, and- 

"Taeyang-!" 

Chanhee comes to an abrupt stop, his eyes forced open as a name other than his own rings in his ears. Youngkyun is too busy jerking himself through his climax to notice Chanhee reeling back, his nose tinged red as sweat drips down from his forehead. He bites at his lips, feeling the broken words of his confession go back down his throat, cutting against him like glass, a painful reminder of why he shouldn't have done this in the first place. 

Chanhee hates being Youngkyun's friend because he couldn't be anything more than that. 

He goes to pull out but Youngkyun's legs wrap around his back, heels digging into his spine to lock him in place. Hands grab at his nape and pulls him down to meet Youngkyun's lips yet again. Chanhee still takes him just as greedily as before, drowning in the shame of their shared orgasm and his multiplying misery. But he keeps his eyes wide open, to watch Youngkyun closely and remind himself not to be so stupid. There's a furrow in Youngkyun's eyebrows as he presses roughly against Chanhee's lips, like he can tell it's not who his heart wants but he's doing his best to ignore that for now. And for Chanhee too, it was easy for him to ignore Youngkyun.

He had grown up doing it, he wouldn't stop now. 

__

In the end, it's still Youngkyun who calls. He greets Chanhee like nothing happened, has erased everything from last night by daytime. He asks if Chanhee has seen his ring, the one Taeyang gave him. Chanhee, who was staring at the ring he fished out from underneath his bed sitting on his kitchen table, doesn't answer. Youngkyun doesn't think anything of it as he continues to speak like nothing that transpired between them mattered to him at all. There's so much Youngkyun has left to say, none of it anything meaningful to Chanhee as he wastes away over the phone, the headache once again growing until it's worse than the heartache. 

And Chanhee, who never calls, has nothing to say at all.